Update #3 appears at the bottom.
Due to numerous disparaging comments by multiple individuals, I have reposted my article.
Heckling does not change what occurred. People need to know these truths, especially those who have experienced the same. They need to know they are sane, that such things are indeed being perpetrated, and the perpetrators use shame to silence them and protect their activities.
I write to encourage them not to listen to disparaging people who speak without knowledge.
February 10, 2024
I am Joseph Cafariello, a Canadian citizen and ex-member of the Canadian military. Of sound mind, not on medication, not a drug user, not a marijuana smoker, not an alcohol drinker, with no mental disorders.
I recently posted to this Liberty subreddit experiences of harassment by Vancouver's police and fire departments (Vancouver, BC, Canada). I’m the fellow who was repeatedly ordered by police to stay out of Vancouver’s Stanley Park, and was continually harassed whenever I visited the park (which I do every second day on my early morning walks).
Immediately following that post, they changed some of the techniques they use in my case. They were either informed of my post or found it themselves, seeing as my internet activity, and phone activity for that matter, are under continuous surveillance (plenty of proof which I will not include here to avoid running off-topic).
In this post, I would like to shed some light on other harassment which is still ongoing, since it occurs in private, away from potential observers. It involves the Canadian and US militaries.
Havana Syndrome
In 2016, numerous employees of the Canadian and US embassies in Havana, Cuba, started experiencing head injuries ranging from mild headaches to concussions. It happened in their sleep, and came to be called Havana Syndrome.
Wikipedia explains (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Havana\_syndrome):
“Havana syndrome is a cluster of idiopathic symptoms experienced mostly abroad by U.S. government officials and military personnel. The symptoms range in severity from pain and ringing in the ears to cognitive dysfunction and were first reported in 2016 by U.S. and Canadian embassy staff in Havana, Cuba. Beginning in 2017, more people, including U.S. intelligence and military personnel and their families, reported having these symptoms in other places, such as China, India, Europe, and Washington, D.C. The U.S. Department of State, Department of Defense, and other federal entities have called the events "Anomalous Health Incidents" (AHI). Of over a thousand purported cases, the majority of US investigative bodies found only a few dozen cases to be suspicious.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I can tell you exactly what happens, because I have been experiencing this since I first joined the Canadian military back in 2002, and am still experiencing these “torments” (as I call them) to this day, already 3 years after leaving the military.
I go to bed. In about 15 minutes, just as I am on the cusp of falling asleep, a hear and feel a heavy thud reverberate and ultimately strike my skull. My body releases a sharp burst of adrenalin, my heart starts racing, and my blood’s circulation speeds up significantly. Depending on the severity of the blow, it can take me anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep again. Though there have been times I could not return to sleep for more than 2 hours.
A strong headache is felt immediately, and lasts for hours. There have been times when my heart felt like it was going to burst, having been startled as such.
The pulse to the head sometimes reverberates through the wall and my bed’s headboard. I distinctly feel as though I have been hit on the top of my skull. At other times, it feels as though the pulse has come through the air, striking the side of my skull.
This is not a sleep disorder, for it does not occur regularly. At times, my sleep is disturbed in this manner 3 or 4 days in a row. At other times, there is no disturbance for up to a week. But they never let me go more than a week without such interruptions to my sleep.
Neither is it sleep apnea, as I do not awaken gasping for breath. The pounding headaches, sudden release of adrenaline, and heart palpitations I experience are caused by external impacts of sound waves or air bursts.
Sonic Weapons
How these pulses are produced is not easy to identify. As Wikipedia explains:
“Once the story became public, various U.S. government representatives attributed the incidents to attacks by unidentified foreign actors, and various U.S. officials blamed the reported symptoms on a variety of unidentified and unknown technologies, including ultrasound and microwave weapons.”
Sonic weapons have been in use for many years by militaries, and by police in crowd control. As Wikipedia explains (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic\_weapon):
“Some sonic weapons make a focused beam of sound or of ultrasound; others produce an area field of sound. As of 2023 military and police forces make some limited use of sonic weapons.”
(Do not believe the 2023 timeline. The Canadian military has been using these weapons since the early 2000’s at the latest.)
Wikipedia continues:
“Extremely high-power sound waves can disrupt or destroy the eardrums of a target and cause severe pain or disorientation. This is usually sufficient to incapacitate a person. Less powerful sound waves can cause humans to experience nausea or discomfort.”
The users of these technologies must also be using thermal detection equipment to monitor the target’s sleep. As I mentioned, I most often feel these blows the moment I am falling asleep. Body temperature drops when we sleep, and brain activity slows. Heat-detection equipment is likely being used to identify the point at which the target is falling asleep.
Why they prefer to strike at the start of someone’s sleep as opposed to the middle of their sleep, I do not know. Perhaps their intent is to deprive the body of early sleep, limiting the amount of deep sleep available to the person before their alarm rings in the morning.
Ordinary Hammers
Not all such “torments” (as I call them) are caused by high-tech equipment. I have heard and felt distinct hammer strikes running along the 2x4 beams inside my walls. These strikes can be a single hard strike, or several strikes in a row. It is definitely caused by a person with a hammer because the intervals between strikes are equidistant in time; that is, the time spacing between strikes is not random and does not change from strike to strike, but is constant between strikes, exactly as when someone is hammering. And no, it is not someone hanging pictures at 1:30 am, multiple times a week, for years.
On one occasion, when I was standing at my kitchen sink, I felt the floor-board directly under my feet pulse so sharply it felt like a brick had struck the soles of my feet. In this case, my military neighbour likely used a hammer to strike the floorboard on his side of the wall. It is the only plausible explanation.
Surveillance
This leads to surveillance of one’s activities at home. I have plenty of proofs of that. They seem insignificant on an individual basis. But when you put them all together, they present a clear picture of home surveillance.
My laptop computer’s lid cracked one night, at the bottom left corner of the screen. The next day at work, I heard my military supervisor relate to another co-worker that the night before, his laptop computer’s lid cracked at the bottom left corner. I swear to the Lord in Heaven, I am being truthful.
I tested my suspicion of being surveilled. At home one night, I blurted out-loud, “VW Passat. What an ugly sounding word, ‘Passat’”, I said. A few days later, my military colleagues at work started playing a card game at lunch, invented by one of them. The name he gave his game was “Passat”, and when he spoke it, he looked at me for a reaction. If you ever contact the Halifax military base, ask for the Claims Department and ask them if they are still playing Passat.
On another occasion, at a time when I frequented the gym every second day for a few years, I suspected my van had been fitted with a listening device. I suspected so because a number of things I had spoken with people about on my phone while in my van (nothing illegal) were repeated by people at the gym in conversations among themselves. Too many times, parts of other people's conversations matched parts of conversations I had had with others while I was in my van.
I already knew my phone was being tapped, but I also suspected my van was bugged. So one evening while driving in my van, I blurted out-loud a number of things I said I hated. "I hate (this or that)"; "I hate it when...". One of them was, "I hate when people chew gum with their mouths open." I then vocalized an exaggerated gnawing sound, "Gnaw. Gnaw. Gnaw."
The very next time I went to the gym, 2 days later, while I was at an exercise, a fellow sat at an exercise directly behind me. And sure enough, he started chewing with his mouth open, vocalizing that gnawing sound, "Gnaw. Gnaw. Gnaw." I didn't look behind at him, because I knew what was going on, and I wanted to avoid playing into his hand. So he repeated himself again and again until I was done and moved to a different station. Now, honestly, who chews gum at the gym? You can't. Or you run the risk of choking for the heavy breathing, not to mention when laying down on benches. And with precisely the same exaggerated vocalized gnawing sound I had made in my van just 2 days prior.
Their whole intent is to let you know you are being surveilled. They want you to know, as both a warning and a provocation. They want you to say something, to launch accusations, which they would readily deny, making you look paranoid. If you react too strongly, they could even have you diagnosed with some kind of disorder, and put you on medication, which further plays into their hand. (More regarding medications in the last section of this post.)
This is why, as I mentioned in my previous post, they would park their cars shining their high beams on me as I walked past them during my morning walk. And why on some occasions, a group of 3 or 4 would exit their cars and stand on my path just as I approached, forcing me to go around them. They would then remain standing on the path until my return trip through, and after I had passed by the second time, then would then return to their cars - making it absolutely clear I was their interest.
Their intent is not only to make me aware, but also to present themselves in close proximity to me, within easy reach, in the hope I would confront them, resulting in an altercation that could land me in a lot of hot water - 4 witnesses against me, all pleading innocence.
Again, it is all designed to make you look bad, and to warrant some kind of legal measure against you - preferably a medical diagnosis, discrediting you in everything you say about them. If they can't refute your claims, their only remaining option is to discredit you. That's what all of these tricks are designed to accomplish. Who would believe anything you say, once you have been diagnosed with a disorder?
There are plenty more examples. But who would really believe them? I’ll save them for the future.
Home Invasion
Both during and after my military service, I have had my apartments entered without any signs of break-ins. How? Lock-picking and duplicate keys. Indications? Missing objects; ie: money, phone adaptor, etc. Nothing major. Just something to make us understand we are being watched, and to make us understand what they can do.
But it is always something small, something for which you would be ridiculed for divulging.
Two more examples: I found my razor, which I always lay-down razor-end to the wall, turned around, razor-end toward me. Also, in one of my house slippers I found a small shoe sticker on the up-side of the heel. I had those slipper for years, and never had any shoe stickers on them. Yet there it was, clearly visible on the top surface of my slipper, not the bottom. Could I have stepped on a shoe sticker when barefoot in my apartment, only to have the sticker transfer itself to my slipper when I wore it? How many shoe stickers do you have laying around your apartment that you can accidentally step onto?
If I had stepped onto a sticker in my apartment and had it stick to my heel, that means the sticky side was up against my skin. This means the sticker would have had to flip upside down such that the sticky side would then be down, allowing the sticker to stick to the slipper. Do you really think that happened? That sticker was not there when I left my apartment, but it was there when I returned. And it was the wrong sticker, wrong brand, wrong size.
Again, what is their intent? To make someone look ridiculous so no one will believe them should they speak of other more sensitive things.
Staged Incidents
The above incidents clearly point to coordinated and staged events (at my work, my home, on my walks, etc). This is so frequently met with incredulity. "But that would require coordination on the part of so many people," the public dismisses. "They wouldn't do that."
Oh yes they would, and they have, as explained in https://fightgangstalking.com/. Note the documented cases involving the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS, Canada's equivalent to the US' CIA) and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP, Canada's national police force) in the second quote, which were reported in national newspapers.
From https://fightgangstalking.com/:
“Disruption operations often involve tactics which are illegal, but difficult to prove. These tactics include – but are not limited to – overt surveillance (stalking), slander, blacklisting, “mobbing” (intense, organized harassment in the workplace), “black bag jobs” [home invasions], abusive phone calls, computer hacking, framing, threats, blackmail, vandalism, “street theater” (staged physical and verbal interactions with minions of the people who orchestrate the stalking), harassment by noises, and other forms of bullying. Many of these tactics were used by the FBI during its illegal COINTELPRO operations, as documented by stolen official documents and subsequent Congressional investigations.
"Although the general public is mostly unfamiliar with the practice, references to “disruption” operations – described as such – do occasionally appear in the news media, even though that fact would apparently be news to the editors of The New York Times. In May 2006, for example, an article in The Globe and Mail, a Canadian national newspaper, reported that the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) used “Diffuse and Disrupt” tactics against suspects for whom they lacked sufficient evidence to prosecute. A criminal defense attorney stated that many of her clients complained of harassment by authorities, although they were never arrested."
She can add me to that list too.
For the Benefit of Others
The experiences I have recounted here seem so trivial, so insignificant, they make you look ridiculous if you talk about them. But if we don’t talk about such things, no one will ever know about them. Other people have experienced the same, and are forced to endure such torments in silence. They need encouragement to talk about their own experiences, and so I write about mine in the hope they will talk about theirs, even if I do look ridiculous. The perpetrators are more ridiculous for doing them.
I remember a military colleague being hauled away by military police one morning, as she was struggling and having a violent fit. A fellow on her floor told me she was throwing chairs at her walls screaming, “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!”. When he mentioned that, I knew exactly what they had done to her. She was considered unruly, and was being watched intently. They wanted her out, and that is how they accomplished it. Through wall tapping and sleep deprivation, they push you to the breaking point. And when you finally lose control and do something rash, they pounce on you, and you’re out. Now she has a criminal record, considered a criminal when in reality she was a victim. Welcome to the Canadian military, and other militaries besides, I am sure.
There are dozens upon dozens of experiences I could present. But who will really read them? Worse still, who will really believe them? I overheard my military supervisor in Halifax whisper to another, “Do you think he knows?”, after I had mentioned one of the many “coincidences” I experienced, but with a tone of my being aware it was not a mere coincidence. As I turned my face to my computer screen, I whispered under my breath, but still loud enough for him to hear, “Yes, (rank) (name), I know.” A few minutes later, as he walked past my desk, he leaned in by my ear and whispered, “We’re just trying to help you.” I should have pressed him for answers right then and there, but you just don’t know how much trouble you can get into when making such accusations in the military. So I let it go. But I will never forget.
Should anyone reading this ever decide to launch some kind of inquiry, I can mention names of over 100 people to contact, including military personnel, family members, neighbours, building managers, and others who have been contacted by military personnel with false narratives about me. They flash their ID’s and other credentials, and people believe anything they say. They turn family, friends, co-workers and neighbours against you, even recruiting their participation. Your acquaintances not only participate, but actually feel justified and emboldened playing tricks on you. It isn't their fault, though; they have been misled. I would reference them solely for corroboration.
As a final thought, here are explanations of two military programs in which certain persons (sometimes military, sometimes civilian) are kept under constant surveillance, and are in some cases subjected to conditioning in an attempt to turn them into what is called a “sleeper agent”. Almost all of the tactics presented below have been experience by me, including constant surveillance (ie: my previous post here regarding being harassed on my morning walks) and sleep deprivation (as per the top portion of this post, which other military members in Cuba and elsewhere around the world have also experienced).
Pentagon’s Signature Reduction Program
See Newsweek’s article: https://www.newsweek.com/exclusive-inside-militarys-secret-undercover-army-1591881
Some excerpts from that Newsweek article, plus more background information on the Pentagon’s Signature Reduction Program, can be found here: https://fightgangstalking.com/
“The largest undercover force the world has ever known is the one created by the Pentagon over the past decade. Some 60,000 people now belong to this secret army, many working under masked identities and in low profile, all part of a broad program called “signature reduction.” The force, more than ten times the size of the clandestine elements of the CIA, carries out domestic and foreign assignments, both in military uniforms and under civilian cover, in real life and online, sometimes hiding in private businesses and consultancies, some of them household name companies.
“…a little-known sector of the American military, but also a completely unregulated practice. No one knows the program’s total size, and the explosion of signature reduction has never been examined for its impact on military policies and culture. Congress has never held a hearing on the subject. And yet the military developing this gigantic clandestine force challenges U.S. laws, the Geneva Conventions, the code of military conduct and basic accountability.
“…The signature reduction effort engages some 130 private companies to administer the new clandestine world. Dozens of little known and secret government organizations support the program, doling out classified contracts and overseeing publicly unacknowledged operations.
"Federal spy agencies are using Americans to spy on their fellow citizens – the same approach to governance famously employed by communist East Germany."
How to Develop a Hypnotic Sleeper Agent
By Dantalion Jones / Masters of Mind Control
The following “was” on the web, but has been removed. Surprise, surprise. But I saved its web files to my computer years ago, knowing that sooner or later it would be removed. I made a jpeg image of the web page as it once appeared, attached here.
Note that I have experienced almost all of the tactics described below, including the stalking I mentioned in my previous post here (regular walks in the park), the sleep deprivation noted at the top of this post, and the surveillance and intrusions described here as well.
Quoting the now-removed webpage: “How to Develop a Hypnotic Sleeper Agent” (from here to end of post):
Amid all the conspiracy theories one of the most feared is that there exist "sleeper agents" in our society who are programmed to come into service when they are triggered by a phone call or key word.
These alleged sleeper agents don't even know they are programmed to become saboteurs, soldiers, suicide bomber, etc because of the thoroughness of their programming. They are the feared "Manchurian Candidate" that the movies portray.
The question is "Are they real?"
If they are true sleeper agents there is no way of telling until they are activated. One can however theorize exactly how they are made.
Indoctrination
Using indoctrination a person can be made to embrace a religious or philosophical belief that would make becoming a sleeper agent possible.
This would be a person so committed to an ideal they would be willing to wait patiently as a member of society until they are called into action. These people would know their mission and consciously hold it secret while interacting with the rest of society.
Conditioning
Conditioning is a repetitive process where the desired responses are enforced and rewarded and unwanted responses are punished. This can be done consciously as part of training drill and it can be done subconsciously using hypnosis or drugs to create amnesia.
Hypnosis
It has been demonstrated that hypnosis can create "amnesia walls" in which the subject has no conscious memory of what happened in the hypnosis session. It has further been demonstrated that hypnosis can give post hypnotic instruction to be carried out automatically in the waking state without the subject knowing it or questioning the behavior.
What follows is conjecture and theory based on testimonials of people who were alleged to be sleeper agents and soldiers.
Continuous Supervisions
Continuous supervision doesn't mean that the subject is cut off completely from society. It means that they are constantly overseen and every aspect of their lives are managed (without their knowledge or consent) to support their hypnotic programming.
This would include:
• Repeated reinforcement of all hypnotic conditioning.
• Handlers. Handlers are people who help maintain the subjects environment to maintain all the programming. They can play the role of family, friends, lovers, psychologists, coaches or any roll the subject perceives as supportive. The truth is the handlers are their to support the successful fulfillment of the programming and not the subject as a person.
• Minimal sleep so that the mind/brain does not process all the sleeper conditioning during sleep.
• Creating constant environmental challenges like unemployment or poverty. This gives the subject something other than their programming to focus on.
• Frequent hospitalization. This gives overt opportunity to sedate the subject for conditioning. If the subject has a history of hospitalizations for mental disturbances all the better. No one will take them seriously.
Joseph Cafariello
PS... Today is the second day after this post (February 12, 2024). A garbage truck just slammed into my parked car.
PPS... I finish writing this post because I am satisfied with its shape and content; not because of what happened to my car.
It is similar to when you are reaching for your coat, and someone tells you, "Take your coat." Since you have to take your coat, your brain tells you it's ok to obey them, and you comply. They just created an instance where they led you, and you followed them. And your brain accepted it.
It's a technique the military uses all the time. It trains you to accept instructions from that person or group. Done enough times, you become comfortable obeying them.
I just say, "I take my coat because I choose to, not because you tell me to." It's important to make that clear, to block the conditioning and affirm our self-governance; not just to them, but to ourselves as well. Now our brain realizes we took our coat by our own choice; we are still in command.
So too, I say regarding today's event. "Thanks for the warning, but I had already finished writing my post. I finished by my own choosing."
UPDATES 1 & 2: February 26 & March 07, 2024:
My apartment was once again entered while I was out. Either a key was used or the lock was picked. This may or may not have included assistance from building staff. Home invasions are included in the list of their techniques noted above, referred to as "black bag jobs".
All tenants on my floor received new fridges a couple of weeks ago. I removed the tape securing the bins inside my new fridge, and also removed all styrofoam pads from the corners of the glass shelves when I repositioned them.
The person(s) who have been invading my living space on a regular basis have struck again. As you can see in the photo below, the styrofoam pads on the corners of my fridge's shelves were restored when I was out of my apartment. I had removed all pads when I repositioned the shelves. Yet now they are back.
It is a tactic used to undermine our observational awareness in an attempt to make us second-guess and doubt ourselves. The aim is to cause people to feel less sure not only of the things we have done, but also feel less sure of the things others have done. They want us to question the accuracy of our observations and memory.
The idea is to train you to dismiss any anomalies you may observe as being your own misperception of things. Once they convince you not to trust your own judgement, they are free to do whatever they want to you, and you will simply accept it without questioning.
UPDATE 3: May 18, 2024:
Confrontations with individuals keep occurring, at times potentially violent. Following are just 3 such encounters as of late.
1 - Kick-boxer in the park:
As I parked my car in one of the parking lots in Vancouver's Stanley Park one night, another vehicle drove up behind me and parked several spots away. A tall man exited that vehicle, and walked hastily along the path I always walk, down some steps to the water's sea wall path. I took my time and followed my usual walk, also down the steps down to the sea wall. The man knew my routine, and was in a hurry to get ahead of me.
As I walked along the sea wall, I saw the same man sitting on a bench, playing a loud religious sermon in a foreign language on a device I did not clearly see. As I walked past him, he called out to me to stop and chat. I ignored him and continued walking past. He rose and started walking behind me.
I opened my umbrella, turned, and walked past him the other way, returning to the stairs back to the parking lot. He also turned and continued following me. I started running. He also started running. I ran up the steps, as did he.
Being taller than I am, his legs are longer than mine, and he quickly caught up to me on a grassy patch at the top of the steps. I turned to him and asked, "Why are you following me?" He did not reply, but stood profile to me, the same stance a kick-boxer uses when ready to kick someone. He was tall, thin, and in excellent physical shape as you would see in a kick-boxer.
He did not speak at all, but was just waiting for me to make a move. I turned, entered my vehicle and left. The encounter continued with a chase through the park in our cars. Yes, that is correct. He chased me out of the park in his car.
2 - Told to keep quiet:
The perpetrators need to operate with as little detection as possible, and they repeatedly warn their subjects to keep their mouths shut about their experiences.
On another of my recent nightly walks, a man stood on the sidewalk ahead of me about half a block away, looked at me, and shouted into the sky at nobody, giving the appearance of being a homeless person shouting for no reason. He then started walking in my direction. I continued walking straight. As he passed me, he leaned into my face and shouted into my ear, "Shut the f_ck up!" I continued walking in my direction, and he resumed walking in his.
The idea is to make it seem as though he is just a deranged man wandering the streets at night, shouting at nothing, so that when he shouts at me, any observer would simply dismiss his actions. But in reality, he was sent to send me a message to stop publishing posts like this, which I had done many times on many sites, and continue to. They don't like it when we reveal their methods. But the truth must be known.
3 - You'll be sorry:
On another occasion, while returning from grocery shopping one afternoon, I walked past a man sitting by a storefront. He was clean-cut, wearing clean clothes, without any carts or wagons or any belongings of any kind. As I passed him, he asked me for some spare change. I replied, "I'm sorry," and continued walking past. He replied, "You will be."
There are numerous other experiences, like two seemingly unassociated men standing on the sea wall about 100 meters away from each other, each of them spitting just as I walked past each one.
There are too many experiences to mention. Looking at each experience individually, one would easily dismiss them as being unrelated and simply coincidental. But put them all together and a picture starts to form, like putting together the pieces of a puzzle.
As I hand you each piece of the puzzle one by one, you dismiss each piece, saying, "This could be anything." And you discard it. You keep discarding each piece as I hand it to you. By the end of it, you look down at the table and say, "You have nothing." That's because you looked at each piece as a separate item and threw it away. But if you leave the pieces on the table as I hand them to you and do not hastily discard them, you will see they form a clear picture when put all together.
We must look at all these events as a whole. Individually, each one could be anything. But when all of these experiences are put together and considered as a whole, they form an undeniable picture. Do not be quick to dismiss each piece. Leave the pieces on the table and look at the whole. The picture I present is sound. Remember, I have all the pieces; you do not. I see the picture more clearly than you do.
https://preview.redd.it/we31ymcsm91d1.jpg?width=966&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3d56ac3dd3558a60d477ba9315104d1b66b139f8

https://i.redd.it/lnq1hwinb91d1.gif
In a bright yellow wig, her hair up to high heavens, and a massive black coat with a pair of matching black boots that go up to cover above the coat, Molly Moppit walks in. With a smile on her face, Molly Moppit looks up at the pink wallpaper of the room. “I want that.” Molly smirks, ripping off her coat to reveal a minidress made out of the same pink wallpaper of the werkroom. “Mopped it!”
Molly looks around at the empty room. “…and nobody here to see me stun.” She shrugs. “Pity for them!”
Molly Moppit: “I’m Molly Moppit, and I’m here to run away with the competition.” Molly winks.
“This table’s cuuute.” Molly looks over at the table, before running to a sculpture on the side of the workroom and trying to pull at the sculpture, before realizing it’s glued to the floor. “FUCK!”
Molly Moppit: “I am currently based in New Jersey, but I'm a New York staple, as well.” Molly grins. “First and foremost, I’m a NEW JERSEY DRAG QUEEN.”
“What about the…” Molly swipes at a coat hanger, tucking it behind her back.
Molly Moppit: “Being an Atlantic City Queen means being ready to do what you can to survive. It’s a cutthroat lifestyle, and that’s fine. It taught me to host, perform, serve looks, make ‘em laugh… and it’ll help me to win.”
“You saw nothing.” Molly smiles.
A lone tumbleweed rolls into the werkroom as clouds of red dust fill the entrance. There are two loud bangs, and on the far wall of the room, two bullet holes tear into the eyes of a hanging portrait of Chronologica.
Molly looks over as the portrait falls to the ground, the glass of the frame shattering loudly. When she looks back, a masked bandit stands amidst their midst, blowing smoke from his old-timey pistol. In a cowboy hat, long black jacket, beaded vest, and denim chaps, Ethan Angel-Eye glowers, his nose and mouth hidden behind a vigilante’s black bandana.
The room is silent for a long moment.
Molly Moppit: “It’s a Mexican Stand-Off. And I’m NOT talking.”
Molly and Ethan stare at each other.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “Please welcome the best performer this side of the Mississippi, your very own Apache-Dakota bandit vigilante drag king, and the only person here who actually needs to win. I’ve beaten Kaneq and Vitória in lip sync competitions, I’ve out-danced professionally trained celebs; I’m unstoppable onstage and I’m always providing that debonaire dastardly Western rogue fantasy. I’m Ethan Angel-Eye, and I’ve got my eye on this crown.”
“The fuck are you supposed to be?” Ethan asks, looking Molly up and down as he strides into the room, his voice low and gravelly.
“I’m Molly Moppit, what the fuck YOU supposed to be?” Molly raises an eyebrow.
Molly Moppit: “Are we cosplaying as ugly men this season?”
“Cute.” Ethan brushes past Molly, and then hops up on one of the werkroom tables, sinking into a menacing squat and looming over the space like a vulture.
“It’s pinker here than I thought it’d be.” Ethan glares, looking at her wallpaper look.
Molly scoffs. “Course it’s pink. Do you watch the show?”
“Do you watch the show?” Ethan parrots back, doing a crude impression of Molly’s voice. “I breathe this show.”
Ethan Angel-Eye: “I am not a pretty faerie princess, and I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but I know how to win this, in and out. Some petty little bitch isn’t getting in my way.”
“Ooooh, he’s a hater. Love.” Molly laughs, looking up at Ethan as he perches on the table. “What’s your name, my little masked bandit? Here to take some shots at me?”
“Ethan Angel-Eye.” Ethan cocks his head to the side. “My shots don’t miss.”
“Neither do mine.” Molly smirks.
Ethan looks around, as he realizes a button of his top has gone missing.
A tall, proud Indian woman struts out from the werkroom entrance, with many elaborate blue hair clips and a strikingly long blue gown which cascades in wave-like shapes behind her into a long train. She gestures broadly with her hands, emphasizing each syllable of her words as if they’re the most important thing anyone’s ever said. “WA-TER-FALL!!!!”
Niagara Halls: “New York in the HOUSE what-what!! Hey divas, it’s me, your Desi-American god-DESS of season 6, here to bring upstate pageantry and that Canadian border flair to your screens. I KNOW I’m serving as a pageant fashion icon in this entrance look, you can’t tell me otherwise. Don’t I look GORGEOUS?!”
Niagara Halls twirls, the blue gown’s long train wrapping around her feet, then swirling back out again, where it smacks Molly in the knee.
“Um, hello, waterfall woman.” Molly exclaims, pulling away to avoid being smacked again.
“Hello, hello!” Niagara Halls waves an emphatic wave to Molly and Ethan before daintily picking up her gown’s train with one hand and gently striding to sit at the werkroom table Ethan is perched on. “How are we?”
Molly reaches over and snatches a hair clip from Niagara’s hair, causing several long brown locks to tumble into Niagara’s face.
“Oh! You–” Niagara looks baffled. “So it’s gonna be THAT kind of season!”
Ethan rolls his eyes, looking decidedly down at the two girls.
Molly laughs. “No, oh my gosh! I just love these clips! Where’d you get them?”
Niagara pulls the fallen hair out of her face and clips it into another one of her clips, chuckling. “You WISH I would tell you. You could use the help with that mop!”
“MOP!” Molly bursts out laughing. “You don’t even know!”
“What’s your drag, what’s your name, who are you both? I need to know who I’m demolishing here.” Niagara smiles a huge smile, talking with her hands again.
“But where is the clips from?” Molly asks.
“I-” Niagara looks into the mirror.
“...You didn’t buy the clips?!” Molly says dramatically, putting on a gasping face. “Who did?!”
“What’s your names?” Niagara smiles awkwardly.
Niagara Halls: “My Drag Mother helped with the outfit! I don’t know!”
“I’m Molly Moppit.” Molly grins. “Atlantic City roya–”
Ethan interrupts. “Ethan Angel-Eye. And you’re Niagara Halls.”
Niagara enthusiastically tosses her hair (and all of its clips) back and forth. “I KNOW you know me, that’s right, that’s right!”
Ethan nods. “You lost Miss Toronto to Vitória Benedita.”
Niagara gasps.
Niagara Halls: “How did this MAN KNOW me?!”
Ethan Eagle-Eye: “Does no one look at reddit on their way to the season? Scope the competition out.”
A mysterious black mist seeps through the entrance of the werkroom, followed by a devilish laugh. Lokii struts in, and flips a green cape, revealing their face and leather-clad body. Golden horns, almost corrupted with black veins connected to his face, just from Lokii’s forehead. In thin black hands, Lokii holds a corrupted golden scepter and a smoke machine. She smirks, and her Londoner accent is obvious when she speaks. “I am Lokii, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.”
“We’re all stealing something, aren’t we?” Molly jokes.
“I don’t get it.” Niagara says.
“Loki. Marvel.” Ethan says gruffly.
“Welcome, nerd.” Molly smiles, as Lokii runs over.
Lokii blushes deep red. “Oh my gosh. Hello!”
Lokii: “I’m Lokii, and low-key? Aye, I’m pretty bloody psyched to be here! I’m 22 years old, visiting from across the pond by way of South London, and like, I’m pretty new to drag, but cosplay has been a huge part of my life since I was really young, and I’ve felt really called to take it in this new direction!”
“So are you really called Lokii? Like the Norse god?” Molly investigates every inch of Lokii’s outfit.
“The… Disney character?” Niagara ponders. “I don’t watch superhero movies.”
“They are.” Ethan flexes his ankles, looking at Lokii with an intense stare. “You’re the Tumblr cosplayer, right?”
Lokii nods, smiling. “Yeah! Loki was the first character I did in cosplay. We have a long history, he and I!”
“And so you came to Chronologica’s Drag Race dressed up in your little Marvel cosplay character!” Niagara chuckles nastily.
Lokii laughs awkwardly, making their way to the table. “Yep!”
“You look incredible, by the way.” Lokii smiles at Niagara. “This is a really beautiful garment.”
“I KNOW, baby, thank you.” Niagara smiles daggers. “You’re pretty new, right?”
Lokii looks surprised. “Oh, I–”
“JUST teasing!” Niagara laughs.
Lokii: “I have.. Not been doing drag, that long. But I have been crafting, designing and MAKING things for years. I think that’s my edge…” Lokii smiles slightly awkwardly.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “So far, the girls are…childish.”
“Wait, what’s this?” Lokii picks up a brown paper bag on one of the werkroom tables and reads something written on it in sharpie. “Barf bags…for if you gag too hard?”
Niagara makes a face. “What the fuck?”
Suddenly, in a sculpted silver one-piece with sharp ridges and bulky shoulders, a stylized mop of blonde and pink curls, super-shadowed fierce makeup and chunky black boots with chains, Lady Gag arrives. In an exact recreation of one of Lady Gaga’s looks from the 2009 VMAs, she purrs. “Dirty pony, I can’t wait to hose you down.”
Ethan makes an obvious look of disgust. Niagara stops laughing very suddenly. Molly laughs even harder.
“HEAVY METAL LOVER!” Lokii yells, before covering her mouth as if she is in fear of being too loud.
Lady Gag: “When our Lord and Saviour Gaga said ‘No matter gay, straight, or bi', lesbian, transgender life?” Lady Gaga smirks. “She was talking first and foremost about me. Are you gagging? I’m Lady Gag, foremost Gaga impersonator of Miami, Florida, and the most gag-worthy woman known to man. Mama I am known to man, if you know what I mean.”
Lady Gag strikes poses in the entrance, twisting her arms into strange shapes and cocking her head at strange angles. “Everyone, just imagine Alejandro is playing over this.”
“I’m imagining it.” Molly says, smiling and still laughing.
Niagara looks nonplussed, Ethan looks dismissive, and Lokii looks shy, but Molly warmly greets Lady Gag with a firm handshake.
“Welcome, Miss Gaga, welcome! You’re giving very 2000 and late! I’m Molly Moppit. Atlantic City roya–”
“MRS. Moppit.” Lady Gag stops her, putting a hand up. “Don’t try to read me with those smile lines and bags under your eyes. I’m 2000 and fresh off the boat if you ever saw it. You will not be coming for me on this, the day of my arrival.”
Molly’s jaw drops. She looks thrilled.
Niagara smiles softly. “You’re going to talk about her looks when you’re a copy-and-paste baby? LOVE to see a tiny little fighter.”
Niagara Halls: “The good thing about doing drag that’s literally on the Canadian-American border is that I can leave the worst of both sides behind. Canadians, watch out: I will NOT be apologizing for my shade! And I can say THIS… who the fuck is Lady Gag?”
“Your shade needs work, I think.” Lady Gag says. “It’s about as dark as midday in FLORIDA. I would know.”
Ethan’s eyes give away his smile. He sits back on the table, relaxing for the first time, to listen to the girls snip back and forth.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “I’m watching these girls, and I think, good. Let them fight. If this is the energy first day, they’re never gonna be able to focus on a challenge, and that’s perfect for me.”
“I BET you would know Florida pretty well!” Niagara shoots back. “That contour job looks pretty Florida Man to me.”
“I am a WOMAN and you will treat me with respect!” Lady Gag yells dramatically.
Niagara looks confused, almost as if she is unsure if Gag is playing into the shade or not.
Molly chuckles. “Girls, girls, oh my gosh! This is gonna be fun as fuck.”
Lokii looks utterly horrified and speechless.
There’s a sound of heels approaching, and the contestants turn to look at the entrance.
“Please give me another crazy bitch,” Molly joke-pleads. “Please!”
In a heavy, blood red reconstructed kimono covered in pearlescent white beads, Shiseido Red slowly struts into the werkroom. Her hair is bold, black and sculpted upwards into a towering beehive, and her silhouette is intricate, yet the restructuring of the kimono lets her show off her legs. “Paint the town red?” She cackles. “Baby, just paint these lips.”
Shiseido blows a kiss. Lokii whoops.
Ethan’s eyes glint with recognition. “An old bitch. Thank goodness.”
Niagara vigorously applauds. Lady Gag still looks caught up in the fight from before. Molly looks concerned, before putting on a smile.
“Oh, it’s YOU!” Molly yells.
Molly Moppit: “I know Shiseido from the New York scene. I travel around the area, and she doesn’t.” Molly smiles.
“Ahh, you’re here!” Shiseido ignores the others around her, looking straight at Molly. “Would you take my bags to that corner of the werkroom over there?” Shiseido asks, pointing to the farthest (and largest) dressing alcove.
“I’d rather not.” Molly drops the playful facade for a moment, as the two look at each other.
Shiseido Red: “Darlings. I’m Shiseido Red, and I’m no spring chicken. I am 45 years old and proud–I have a long legacy in New York City that will outlive any of these basic-bitch children. I was a princess of the 90s club scene and now, I’m their grand duchess. In my scene, we’re all about originality, ingenuity, innovation. So… nothing like what most of these kids are wearing.”
Lokii scurries over to Shiseido. “This kimono is incredible.”
Shiseido smiles curtly. “It’s certainly one step up from a costume, yes.”
Lokii looks awkwardly.
Molly tries to roll one of Shiseido’s suitcases from where it’s parked near the entrance and fails to move it despite pulling with all her strength. Nobody seems to notice.
Molly Moppit: “Damn it, I was going to take half of her shit- subtly!”
Niagara waves a broad hello. “HELLO NEW YORK! I’m SO glad you’re here, these girls are all WHORES so far.”
Niagara goes in for a hug, but Shiseido moves away.
“I’m sorry…do I know you?” Shiseido asks, clearly baffled.
Lady Gag loudly guffaws. Niagara laughs once, awkwardly.
“Oh, yes!” Niagara blushes, pulling away from her failed hug and gesturing wildly with her hands. “I’m Niagara Halls, mama. We worked together at–”
“All you young girls blend together for me.” Shiseido shrugs. “Name doesn’t ring a bell.”
Molly, laughing under her breath, opens Shiseido’s suitcase while she’s distracted and snatches a blonde curly wig.
Molly Moppit: “I don’t get along with Shiseido. But I know this- she has good wigs… and I KNOW that old lady is a smart bitch. Whether or not she actually knows Niagara, she won’t admit it. Throw the girl off. I see you, mama.”
“Aha.” Niagara looks put off. “No worries. It was just last year when–”
“Hello, children.” Shiseido addresses the group like a troop leader. “I fear you look as bland as expected.”
Lady Gag starts up again. “GIRL, this is not–”
It’s Drag Time!
Chronologica steps into the werkroom, and the gathered contestants gasp in shock–except Ethan, who looks over passively.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “Interrupted at 6. So it’s a split premiere…which hasn’t happened since Season 3. Just, of course…of course it would be…”
Molly hurriedly closes Shiseido’s suitcase and tucks the stolen wig into her top. Lady Gag, Niagara, and Lokii rush over towards Chronologica excitedly, while Shiseido and Ethan take their time, making eye contact as they do.
Hello, racers! I’m thrilled to welcome you to the fantabulous Season 6 of Chronologica’s Drag Race! Here, you’ll be competing for the chance to win a spectacular crown and scepter from Moxie Maniac jewels, plus an extra-special grand prize of $100,000.
Everyone cheers and applauds.
One of you could become the next Drag Superstar…orrrr one of the other bitches who shows up next week could snatch the crown away from all of you. This week is your chance to prove your worth before any of those nasty skanks come and get in your way.
Lady Gag: “Quite simply, yes. We ALL know Gaga is THE queen. I can guarantee I’ll be the one to get her her crown!”
For your very first challenge, you’re putting on a premiere talent show. Show us what YOU can do that no one else can, and show us who you are. First impressions count! And you’d better hope it’s not a countDOWN…good luck! And don’t fuck it up!
Shiseido Red: “Believe me, for some of these baby girls? The countdown’s already started.” Shiseido smirks. “I’m prepared for a talent show. I’ve been talented since I was born.”
~
Later, the monarchs strip out of their entrance looks and claim their dressing areas.
Shiseido Red: “For this week’s maxi challenge, it’s time for us to showcase our abilities in a talent show. But first, it’s time to get to know each other.”
Without a word, Ethan picks up Shiseido’s heavy suitcases and moves them to her preferred corner.
“A gentleman.” Shiseido smiles, looking at Ethan’s bandana. “My faceless guardian.”
Ethan chuckles. “No. You’re just not my mark today.”
“Your mark? Alright. You’re an assassin, of sorts.” Shiseido ponders. “Mhm.”
Shiseido Red: “Ethan is giving some sort of Bessie Big Sky-Jupiter Sterling story…but evil? It’s a very specific take, I’ll give him that…I’m at least…curious.”
Ethan looks serious. “Assassin. You could say that.” Ethan retrieves his own bags and puts them next to Shiseido’s, just as Lokii enthusiastically hurries up towards the two-person dressing alcove.
“Oh, sorry!” Lokii says, chuckling awkwardly. “I would love to uh, room with Shiseido, here, uh, the other girls are kinda mean and–”
Ethan looks over, one eyebrow raised.
Shiseido makes a face. “Baby. You’re not old enough to be here.”
Lokii blanches. “No worries, then.” She scurry off.
“...If she bantered back, I’d have had her.” Shiseido responds.
“The baby queens can’t take it. No surprise.” Ethan grumbles.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Niagara, Molly, and Lady Gag each make for separate adjacent dressing stations. Lokii stands awkwardly in the middle of the room.
Lokii: “The producers very clearly told us that we had to share 4 of the dressing rooms, two racers per room. But none of the girls are willing to share with each other… what’s … happening right now? Where am I supposed to go?”
Niagara carefully changes out of her blue gown and puts on a comfortable yellow sweatsuit, then starts picking the clips out of her hair one by one. She watches Ethan and Shiseido across the room as Ethan takes off the bandana covering his face for the first time, then lets out the loudest gasp imaginable and throws her arms to the side, shocked. Blue butterfly clips fall to the ground everywhere.
Lady Gag gives Niagara a look in between racks of hanging clothes. “Diva, what the FUCK are you doing?”
Niagara whispers loudly. “Looooook!!!!” She aggressively points at Ethan, who is currently changing his shirt. Ethan very clearly and visibly has scratchy scruffy facial hair, and no makeup on the bottom half of his face.
Niagara looks gagged. “That’s a MAN, Maury!”
Niagara Halls: “I didn’t expect him to look like that, out of drag… kinda tracks, THOUGH!” Niagara cackles.
Lady Gag yells across the room. “Mister Ethan!”
Ethan looks over as he takes off his beaded vest and reveals his bare chest, clearly showcasing obvious top surgery scars.
Lady Gag looks back to Niagara. “Queens recognize kings. Are you gagging yet?”
“Not on your copy-and-paste eleganza.” Niagara shakes her head, then takes a step and slips on the fallen butterfly clips, awkwardly plopping on her butt.
Niagara Halls: “We’ve had many trans divas compete in this competition- me included. But is this the first trans man here?” Niagara ponders.
While Niagara has fallen, Molly sneaks in and grabs some more blue clips off the ground.
I’m ba-ack!
Chronologica waves from the entrance. Lokii returns the wave. Everyone else hurriedly finishes changing.
Our producers let me know that we’re having some trouble getting into our dressing stations. We do actually need you to share space, here, now.
Lokii: “I kinda was just waiting around- when they came in. I guess I kinda looked.. Awkward.” Lokii exhales. “This is a lot.”
Lokii nods. Lady Gag and Niagara roll their eyes. Molly tuts excitedly.
Molly Moppit: “I live for this drama, honestly. It’s so stuuupid I love it. I’m gonna make this shit eat up as much time as I can.”
“Our space is set, Miss C.” Shiseido says assuredly.
Great. So, which one of you three wants to share space with Lokii?
“I KNOW you’re not equating Miss GAGA to a Disney gay–” Lady Gag smirks.
Niagara shakes her head. “Well, I don’t think our visions are exactly aligned–”
Molly winks, looking at the others. “I’m not cut out for sharing…” She says cheekily.
Lokii stands awkwardly, a bit embarrassed.
Okay, fine. Which two of you want to share with each other?
Niagara scoffs. “The impersonator? That raggedy-ass mop bitch? I am not–”
Girls.
Chronologica looks annoyed.
Okay. Let’s be serious.
“No, of course, I’d love to work with Lokii in our space.” Molly smiles.
Molly Moppit: “I am a playful artist, but I do take this seriously- and I look around, and Lokii looks like a deer in headlights. It’s a competition. But I’ll make her feel welcome. I mean, she’s better then the Gaga impersonator and fucking Niagara Halls.” She takes a sip of her drink.
…
Molly Moppit: “Can we circle back to Lady Gag as a name? Like be inspired and be an orignator but LADY GAG?! I DON’T GET IT!” She bursts, interrupting herself from finishing her drink.
Shiseido and Ethan, who have returned to their corner, give each other a look.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “It’s just like the last few seasons. All the kids are incompetent. No surprise.”
I’ll leave you to it. Now. I’ll see you on the main stage. Let’s keep it professional, alright?
Chronologica departs, and Molly drags her singular small suitcase into Niagara’s dressing station. She drops the bag heavily, and all of the butterfly clips Molly has stolen spill out of it onto the floor.
“Where’s my clips?!” Niagara yells.
Lokii and Molly look at each other, and Molly giggles.
~
Chronologica goes to visit the racers.
Hello, Mr. Angel-Eye.
“Chronologica.” Ethan says gruffly.
Now, you’re drag family, right?!
The other’s ears pick up, as Ethan nods.
“Yeah, I used to be related to Bessie Big Sky. But we’re not talking about that, we’re talking about my talent show.” Ethan says, clearly displeased.
Shiseido Red: “Oh… Inteeeeerersting.” Shiseido purses her lips. “This makes a lot of sense.”
Totally. Well, tell me then, what ARE you doing for the talent show?
“I’m from Montana. We’re not basic-ass pageant queens, who haven’t fought for anything a day in their life-“
Niagara’s head turns over to Ethan’s conversation as she has caught interest, clearly offended.
Niagara Halls: “Wow.” Niagara is looking in a complete state of shock in her confessional room. “… Alright.” Niagara nods.
“…because life’s hard,” Ethan continues. “I was a rez kid, I was in the foster care system, I been through some shit. And I’ve picked up a few skills along the way. So I will be doing a Projectile Weaponry Showcase.”
Interesting. What does that entail?
“Pistols, throwing knives, bow and arrow, shotgun.” Ethan nods. “I’m a good shot, no matter what I’m shooting.”
Fuck yeah.
Ethan smiles for a moment, before nodding.
I was raised at my local gun club, over in La Perouse, Sydney. I know a good few weapons. How are you going to make it dragged up?
“I do it my way. Ethan Angel-Eye is the evil Indian from cowboys and Indians. He’s a vigilante bandit, and these are a bandit’s weapons. I’ve got a story. I know what I do in my performance space- to me, the art stands for itself. I don’t need bells and whistles, because this has never been done before.”
If you keep us excited, well that’s all that matters.
Ethan nods. “I will.”
…
Niagara Halls.
“Chronologica.” Niagara smiles.
Now, you’re a pageant Queen. How is that going to impact you in this competition?
“Well, MAMA!” Niagara says excitedly, talking with her hands. “For me, it’s about serving. I’m pretty, I’m gorgeous and I am not scared to CUT a bitch when I want to.” Niagara draws a line across her throat with one hand.
Chronologica chuckles.
Tell me, what are you doing for the talent show?
“Yodeling.” Niagara smiles brightly.
…Yodelling? Are you a singer?
“NOT at ALL.” Niagara shakes her head. “Like, I’d probably say I am a bad singer.”
Then…why are you yodeling?
“For me, it’s about standing out. I wanted to deliver something no one has really done, make it camp, and then stun on the runway.” Niagara tongue pops.
But do you feel like you are able to do this well? If you’re not a singer-
“I feel like it’s an opportunity to showcase what I can do, and make it fun.” Niagara smiles.
Okay. Well, good luck…
….
Molly Moppit!
“Shhh.” Molly whispers, pointing Chronologica to outside.
I-
“Let’s chat outside; I don’t need them hearing.” Molly whispers, as the two walk to the smoking area outside.
The others look confused as the two disappear.
“Cigarette?” Molly hands one to Chronologica.
Is that from my packet- Okay, tell me, Molly, what’s your talent show?
“For me, I do really take my drag seriously.” Molly smiles. “But I don’t need them all to know that, initially.”
I get it. So, what are you doing for the talent show?
Molly whips out a packet of notes.
Chronologica grins.
“I’ll be presenting onto the main stage, MOPPING DUTY. It’s a live freestyle Diss Track of the Cast of Season 6.” Molly smirks. “And I’ve got the notes for it.”
Why is it called… Mopping Duty?
“Because I am about to wash these bitches out and mop the crown, duh.” Molly chuckles.
Chronologica bursts into laughter.
I think that’s a fantastic idea.
“I don’t want them to know what I’m doing, because part of the work here is centered around making them react. I’m great off the cuff- and planned, secretly. So, for me it’s really important to get to embrace all of that.”
I am really excited to see how you do it, Molly.
Molly grins. “I am too.”
Molly Moppit: “I am going to blow these bitches out of the water, they just don’t know it yet.” Molly winks.
~
The next day, the racers twirl into the werkroom and get ready for the talent show.
Lady Gag: “It’s time for the talent show, and I’m ready. Are these girls ready? Well, they should be, because… I’m coming for them.”
“So, what are you bitches doing for the talent show?” Lady Gag asks, plaiting her hair. “I mean, I know some…”
Niagara starts to yodel.
Ethan rolls his eyes.
Ethan Angel-Eye: “Bitches. The way these children talk.”
“I’m not a bitch, first of all.” Shiseido says. “So let us start there, lookalike.”
“Okay, I was just talking like us girls do.” Lady Gag scoffs.
“Do you know actual Drag Queens?” Shiseido asks.
Lady Gag rolls her eyes.
Lokii whispers under her breath. “So much shade…”
“I’m doing a Stand-Up show.” Lady Gag flicks back her hair. “I’ve been told I’m a funny bitch, so-”
Everyone looks surprised.
Molly Moppit: “She’s a comedian?” Molly bursts into laughter. “Oh, let’s be honest, her biggest joke is her name!”
“Have you done comedy?” Lokii asks.
“Actually, yes.” Lady Gag smiles. “In my room, to my family…”
“Love.” Niagara clicks her fingers. “Werk, bitch, creativity…”
Shiseido Red: “I am starting to notice something. These girls claim to be experienced, knowledgeable- but then, you speak to them, and suddenly they’re like ‘I’ve done this… at home.’ Lacking experience. It SHOWS.”
“I am a designer and club kid.” Shiseido smiles to herself.
“I’d love to hear about what that was like.” Lokii interrupts.
“Well, if you survive the first week, you might hear it.” Shiseido says swiftly.
Lokii looks to the left, then down.
“I’m doing a megamix to 90s club anthems, and designing a look all the while.” Shiseido nods.
Shiseido Red: “This will allow me to put my best foot forward instead of dancing the stage up and down, something I… can’t do as well anymore.”
“That sounds… fine.” Niagara shrugs.
Niagara Halls: “Like, BORING…and honestly, I don’t see it for her?!” Niagara laughs. “OH, the shade of ME!”
Niagara giggles to herself.
“What are you two doing, Molly and Lokii?” Ethan says, surprising the two.
“I’m not talking about it.” Molly winks. “You can wait and see.”
Ethan purses his lips.
“I do wonder if it’s going to be anything of note.” Shiseido says.
Shiseido Red: “Molly has a…not-so-great reputation, in New York. I’ll be honest, she’s never been notable to me, though. Beyond the theft jokes.”
“Well, you gotta wait and see.” Molly winks.
Molly Moppit: “Keep it fun… until you make the move.” Molly smirks.
“I am a bit of a nerd.” Lokii says.
“What a surprise.” Lady Gag jokes.
“...Finish your thought.” Ethan looks at Lokii.
“I’ll be repeating the plot of star wars, with puppets.” Lokii grins.
Everyone once again looks around awkwardly.
“Well, I’m excited for MY own talent show, because it sounds like I’m winning.” Lady Gag says.
“Don’t count your chickens yet, Miss Copypasta.” Ethan responds.
Lady Gag rolls her eyes for what appears to be the 10th time.
Lokii: “I… don’t think anyone gets me here.”
“The cosplay newbie… and the puppets.” Shiseido whispers, shaking her head to Ethan. “The impersonator who does stand-up in her bedroom. The tone-deaf girl singing, and the thief who probably doesn’t even have talents of her own. Great.”
Lokii: “But I have crafted an entire concept. I’ve sewn and made these puppets, made a comedic story and saga- and if there’s one thing I do believe in, it’s the lore. It’s my knowledge in the cosplay, nerd space…”
Lokii giggles, playing with her puppets.
Lokii: “Lokii, you can do this…” Lokii gulps. “I think.”
“Who’s.” Niagara claps. “Gonna.” Niagara claps. “GO HOME FIRST?!”
“You, bitch!” Lady Gag snaps her fingers.
“RUDE, RUDE!!!!!” Niagara yells.
“Not me.” Molly whispers into the camera and winks.
~
Stats
Voting
Spreadsheet

Now I know a lot of people seem to really either like or despise the matchup. Well here's what I think about Madoka vs Sailor Moon as a matchup.
I made this btw
Madoka vs Sailor Moon is a great matchup and.....................
https://preview.redd.it/soax4c9sz21d1.jpg?width=2048&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3cc221727b5305610bba8058967348dc0ce1a587
Whoops I've must've caused an outrage from the community. Well before you guys get mad at me and get your pitchforks and torches at me, let me just tell you guys on why I think this is a really good matchup.
Connections: Two main protagonists from popular magical girls anime with different take (Sailor Moon being inspiration for modern magical girl genre while Madoka Magica being deconstruction of modern magical girl genre). Both of them started as normal middle-school girls who life completely changed (for better or worse) after met alien "cat" (Luna for Usagi & Kyubey for Madoka), With massive contrast that Luna geniunely care for Usagi while Kyubey simply just using Madoka for his own "selfish" goal. Both of them later gained superpowers to become magical girls (Sailor Moon & Puella Magi). Both of their main color are also white. Both of their powers came from special jewel/stone/crystal (Silver Crystal & Soul Gem). Both of them become members of magical girl team (Sailor Guardians & Holy Quintet) though while Usagi & her friends officially called their team as Sailor Guardians (IIRC), Madoka & her friends never called their team as Holy Quintet (IIRC, Again). Both of them fighting against dangerous monsters (Yoma & Witches). Both of them are best friends with blue-haired girls with "water element" (Ami Mizuno & Sayaka Miki), Along with being friends with mysterious, Dark-haired girls who seemingly emotionless but actually has harsh past (Hotaru Tomoe & Homura Akemi). Both of them later found out shocking truth but very opposite & different truth (Usagi & rest of her team members being reincarnation of previous sailor guardians from ancient time, With Usagi being reincarnation of Princess Serenity, Princess of Moon Kingdom while Madoka & other magical girls found out that the witches that they always fight are actually magical girls who turned into monsters after their soul gems corrupted by negative emotions such as despair). Both of them has winged forms (Super Sailor Moon & Ultimate Madoka). Both of them also have defeated powerful cosmic entities that want to destroy humanity (Chaos & Kriemhild Gretchen). Interestingly, Usagi is destined to stop Chaos & bring peace (IIRC) while Madoka was actually destined to become most powerful & destructive witch AKA Kriemhild Gretchen. Both of are known as cheerful girls but Usagi is sarcastic person compared with Madoka who is more polite (IIRC, Again!). Both of them also has twin-tail hairstyle. Yellow vs Red (Because pink is actually just lightish red).
Now the connections might not be trust able, but I think the connections are good enough. Now before you think some of the connections are wrong well keep a reminder there was Machamp vs Goro on Death battle because of the battle of the four arms champions. So if battle of the Four Arm Champs is allowed to exist, then so can Madoka vs Sailor Moon.
While this is from Rewind Rumble listen to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km2-LOVVhQA&t=127s it shows that you don't need big connections for a fight to exists. Ok for that being said let's move on to something important.
Animation Potential: Imo the fight potential...................................... surprisingly is really freaking fantastic. Not only would their magical abilities make a good clash with the arrows and beam shots, but so can their transformations. Before you say (Madoka can only shoot arrows), remember their's a rumor that Madoka might have abilities from other magical girls. Also Madoka's multiple arrow shots according to the anime and game could have great counter to Sailor Moon's other impressive magical abilities. It's like Sailor Moon is in a Touhou fight which fits the fight dynamic perfectly. Fun fact, the Death battle team talks about the Archetype vs Twist, and Billy from the team sees the potential to incorporate the bizarre art styles into the fight. My reaction to their reasons is "Finally someone who actually sees that the matchup's fight potential is insane." So yeah once the matchup happens, the episode itself should be great if not awesome. Considering how important the fight animation is to me, I'm excited to see how this fight will turn out to be especially when the Team actually likes the matchup a lot. I also think the story behind this fight is great and emotional, similar to Tanjiro vs Jonathan and Spongebob vs Super Friends Aquaman.
Now I'm gonna address some of it's flaws I see people bring up.
"Connections aren't very good."
I just showed you the connections and Ahmad2345Light was the one who actually discovered there was more between these 2. And like I said, not every matchup needs big connections.
I know some people like Full_Metal_Douchebag brings up "Madoka became a god in order to prevent the suffering of all magical girls throughout all of time. Having her fight another magical girl misses the point of her character."
I'm gonna be honest with you guys, but I really hate that argument so much. My real issue with this argument is that Madoka only wants to stop and prevent magical girls suffering, but there's no rule saying Madoka can't fight another magical girl. She fights other magical girls in the magia record game and anime, heck she even fought the other members of the Holy Quintet in the Battle Pentagram portable game, so therefore she has fought magical girls. And before you say "What if the fight ends brutally? Wouldn't that be out of character for Madoka to ultimately murder Sailor Moon?" Well the fight would end in death, but no the fight wouldn't end in a brutal way. If you read this https://deathbattlefanon.fandom.com/wiki/Usagi_Tsukino_vs_Madoka_Kaname#HyperSsonic then you can actually see that Madoka vs Sailor Moon's fight potential actually ends on an emotional state. Once Sailor Moon dies, Madoka can give her a peaceful Death and show her the sailor scouts. So yeah I really hate it when people say "Madoka fighting another magical girl misses the point of her character" because if she fights another magical and possibly wins, then she can give them an emotional and peaceful death. I mean remember Goku vs Superman 3? That fight was a friendly battle and at the end, both Goku and Superman were friends even when Goku died. If Goku vs Superman 3 can do that, so can Madoka Kaname vs Sailor Moon and I wish people would really understand this. Heck I didn't even want Goku vs Superman 3, but that episode was still good, so Madoka vs Sailor Moon can have the same thing (And the fact that Sailor Moon vs Goku being planned as a Death battle was so hilarious imo). I'm not gonna mention the whole "Abilities are limited" because remember there's a rumor saying Madoka has abilities from other magical girls, and I just explained the fight potential, and I think the multiple shot arrows are more than enough to make the fight potential good.
Also let's not forget the fact that Autobots from Transformers can't harm humans. But if you watch this video (I don't care if you dislike AnimationRewind, he makes a good point about Autobots having to fight humans) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaHfcxri1I8 then Autobots might have no choice but to fight humans. So Madoka might not have a choice but to fight Sailor Moon, and I already mentioned the emotional ending (Or the Goku vs Superman 3 ending).
Now I don't want Madoka vs Sailor Moon just yet. The reason why is because the new Madoka Magica movie isn't out yet, and we don't know what other feats Madoka will be doing yet. So for that said, let's wait for the new Madoka Magica movie to come out because I want to see Madoka's new abilities and feats.
Music potential: Well since Madoka Magica was composed by Yuki Kajiura, the music potential speaks for itself so no reason to talk about the music potential.
Alternatives: I'll just go with Sailor Moon's Alternatives first (And no I'm too lazy to do TN's for these matchups, and I don't want to take other people's TN's)
Sakura Kinomoto
I'm gonna be honest, I think this is an ok matchup. It's not horrible, but I'm just not super interested in it. I think Sakura Kinomoto has better like Illyasviel (Kaleid) and Yugi Muto, so Sailor Moon just doesn't interest me. Plus I'm not sure how the ending will be like, so that I'm a bit curious on. I also heard PitTheSwordMaster the same guy who has Sakura Kinomoto as one of his favorites thinks Sailor Moon vs Sakura doesn't fully work. I don't know of his opinion on that matchup, but I don't really care since Sailor Moon vs Sakura doesn't concern me.
Pegasus Seiya
Now this is a pretty cool matchup. Not only is this thematic, but the fight potential can be pretty cool. I'm aware of it's flaws from the fight potential, but I think this can work out well. Also yes I know Toei would likely get mad at Death battle for doing this matchup, so why not just watch this animation, it can help save you the trouble of getting Pegasus Seiya vs Sailor Moon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPuhmbwTuLg And no it may not be Death battle, but seriously do I need every matchup to be a Death battle episode? I don't think so. I mean I love Sonic vs Goku, but look how awesome the fight on Studio B was, like do I need it to be a Death battle? So let Pegasus Seiya vs Sailor Moon stay on Luis Animation, it saves the trouble of getting that matchup as an animation.
Sora
I mean Sailor Moon vs Sora is................. there I guess. I'm fine if people love this matchup, but since Sora has like many good fight animations that I like (Sora vs Joker on Rewind Rumble was sick), I'm not interested in Sora coming back in another vs animation again. Plus if I want a Sailor Moon vs Kingdom Hearts matchup, why not Sailor Mars vs Axel? PitTheSwordMaster likes it and created it, so why not have that matchup instead (He also isn't a fan of Sailor Moon vs Sora and I'm honestly with him on that one).
Goku
It may not seem like it's worth mention, but I'm gonna have to mention because of these reasons. Goku vs Sailor Moon was surprisingly planned to be a Death battle episode. But they thought Goku had gotten stronger and wasn't comfortable with Goku beating the crap out of a teenage girl. Which is why they went with Superman in the 3rd round. Can you believe it that this match-up was actually planned instead of Seiya vs Sailor Moon? Yeah that's crazy. I do love Goku and all but I'm not a fan of Goku beating up a teenage girl as well (Similar to another matchup I'll get to in a little bit).
I'm not gonna discuss her other alternatives since they aren't important to me.
So let me start talking about Madoka's alternatives.
Reimu Hakurei
No need to explain, read this https://www.reddit.com/DeathBattleMatchups/comments/1bjr4el/why_i_like_madoka_kaname_vs_reimu_hakurei_and_why/
Nanashi
I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again, I'm not really a big fan of this matchup. The only best thing I can see this matchup having is connections (Even if I think some of it is wrong). Other than that, it just exists. The fight potential is fine, but the ending will just come off as generic. Since Nanashi is a silent protagonists, there's no dialogue potential and I want Madoka to fight against characters with actual talking and sensible words. And this is just my opinion, but I find the fight potential a little iffy and way too over hyped. Like Madoka's magical arrows and possible abilities from other magical girls against Nanashi's elemental attacks and YHVH abilities (Which also uses elemental attacks) doesn't feel like the best fighting style mesh in my own personal opinion. So yeah I'm not really into this matchup, and thankfully it's not that requested so that's a relief. Now I don't dislike Nanashi as a character, he does have great matchups but out of all his matchups, Madoka is rather in a lower tier to me. And I'm gonna be honest, I'm not comfortable with an edgelord beating the crap out of a cute character (similar with Goku vs Sailor Moon reasons), and Nanashi vs Madoka is that same reason. Similar to why I don't like Doomguy vs Kirby since I've noticed how much stronger Doomguy got and I'm not comfortable with Doomguy beating the crap out of Kirby.
Jade Harley
This matchup does work well. It has connections, and I think the fight potential can work. I may not know Homestuck too well, but I can see this being a great fight. I'll want AnimationRewind to do this matchup since he's done Homestuck before.
Knull
Now I don't hate this matchup, but I think it works better as both a Record of Ragnarok and AnimationRewind. Since this is known to be a joke matchup, then AnimationRewind can handle this since he's done joke matchups before (Goku vs Dora says hi). Also I don't believe in Knull being high outerversal, he should be Multiversal+ in my opinion, so the fight should be close to me at least. If Knull wins, then it'll be the same reasons to why I wouldn't want Madoka vs Nanashi as Knull is an edgelord as well.
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Now unlike Sailor Moon vs Sakura Kinomoto, I actually love Madoka vs Sakura Kinomoto so much. Yes it's not my preferred, but I really like and vibe with this matchup. And of course the ending can end off emotionally so that works great. I also prefer Madoka to fight a magical girl, so that's why I vibe with Madoka vs Sailor Moon, so I can also vibe with Madoka vs Sakura as well. Also Sakura Kinomoto should be Multiversal+, so this fight is closer than you think.
Wadanohara
I'm surprised to see how much people actually know about this matchup. Not only is it close, but the fight potential is great. My friend Salttheshark77 can explain the matchup better than I can so you can discuss with him.
Kamen Rider Gaim
Now this is a really cool matchup that I can vibe. Not only is it thematic but the fight itself is pretty close. I'm aware if Madoka either wins or loses this fight. But if Madoka loses, at least it's not an edgy character so that's something. And whoever wins, the fight can end emotional since both characters have good strong feelings. The fight potential would be solid, tho I've heard some people say it might not be the best, but who knows I think this fight could work. Gaim uses martiel arts, but Madoka can use her bow as a melee weapon so I think it can work well. But who knows, maybe some other vs channels like Super Powered Beatdown can get their hands on this matchup and see it working well.
Arceus
Now these 2 don't have a lot in common besides being 2 gods with a demon counterpart. However what I really like about this matchup is it's actually insane fight potential. After rewatching Arceus and the jewel of life, I can't believe I'm saying this but fight potential actually works better than a lot of Madoka's other alternatives. Madoka's arrows and Arceus judgement would have an insane counter towards eachother. And if Madoka has like abilities from other magical girls, and Arceus can use other moves that isn't judgement, then the fight potential is even more insane. The story would be interesting with Arceus getting mad while Madoka will try to calm Arceus down and see what his problem was. Whoever wins, Madoka can probably show Arceus the truth and the fight ends peacefully. How is this possible that the fight potential is just so good for Madoka vs Arceus? The fight potential surprisingly works even better than the likes of Nanashi, Kamen Rider Gaim, Jade Harley, Knull, and other of Madoka's alternatives and I actually like Madoka vs Jade and Gaim more as matchups. At times matchups with way less connections have better fight potential, and Madoka Kaname vs Arceus is one of them. It worked with Shadow vs Sakuya https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PF4NF6gROs and I'm not even a big fan of that matchup, but it works insane so that's a huge surprise. How do I feel about the matchup in general? Well Madoka vs Arceus is a fine matchup in my opinion. But due to the fight potential being great, I'm impressed Madoka Kaname vs Arceus can actually work super well. Also Arceus and Madoka should be close in power so yeah the debate also somewhat makes up for this matchup as well in my opinion. So yeah in fight potential, Arceus is easily one of the best for Madoka Kaname, and that's a surprise for a matchup with little connections.
Conclusion: In all seriousness Madoka Kaname vs Sailor Moon is a great match-up with good amount of connections, and absolutely amazing potential that even the Death battle team knows this. I also want the ending to be sweet and emotional, or have the Goku vs Superman 3 ending. It's also a legacy matchup so that makes it even better. My favorite matchup personally for Madoka is Wadanohara, but I can save that for someone like AnimationRewind. Considering that Madoka vs Usagi has a high chance, that makes it more the winner. Once that matchup happens, I don't need to defend it anymore since it's already an impressive animation. Madoka vs Sailor Moon is also a matchup that will help me finally regain my interest for Death battle. I didn't say I dislike Death battle, but I just want to finally like Death battle even more often once Madoka vs Sailor Moon happens. That or Tails vs Coco Bandicoot (Since I want Tails to get a good fight that isn't Luigi rematch) which either one can help me like Death battle more. So I hope to see Madoka vs Sailor Moon soon and if it happens (Which is possible), then case is closed and I'm all set. Reimu is also Madoka's legacy so who knows she might also be a possible choice for Madoka to fight on Death battle. Also the reason why I want Madoka vs Sailor Moon to happen is because I want Madoka to fight a magical girl. That's what I've always wanted to see and "Madoka fighting a magical girl is against her character" will always come off as BS to me, as the fight itself can just end in a peaceful death and touching ending. So yeah and it's also a matchup that will possible happen in the future especially once the new Madoka movie comes out.
Now if you're wondering why I mention other vs channels like AnimationRewind, well it's because I like watching variety fights and not just Death battle. I mostly want to see Madoka (And other characters from Madoka Magic as well as Fate) get good fights and it doesn't need to be a Death battle. I can just let Death battle do Madoka vs Sailor Moon, and just let other vs channels handle Madoka's other matchups. Madoka vs Sailor Moon being on Death battle tho will help save me the trouble of Madoka Kaname getting a good animated fight.