Demographics: Male, Age 40, 5'6", 205 lbs. White, in Northwest USA. Preexisting conditions: Congenital heart defects (bicuspid aortic valve, coarc aortic arch), autism Current medications: Valsartan (see below), Fluoxetine (5mL daily).
I was recently (last 3 months) diagnosed with very high blood pressure (resting it was around 170/105) and mild heart failure. We did an echocardiogram and are planning further tests this summer to pinpoint a cause and determine treatment options.
My #1 priority is getting my blood pressure down, as some tests cannot even be performed with it this high. But I cannot swallow pills, which has limited my options for meds.
My doctor wants me on an ARB and a diuretic, so they put me on Valsartan (320mg) with Hydrochlorothiazide (25mg) which comes in a single tablet. I have been crushing it and mixing it into pudding but it's not having much effect, perhaps because it's being crushed.
It is much easier for me to take liquid meds than pills, so the cardiologist suggested researching ARB options that come in liquid form. Valsartan is available as a solution but at 4mg/mL the daily dosage would be like 1/3rd of a cup, which is way too much. I can replace the diuretic easily with a solution if I can find an ARB to go with it.
My questions:
Are there any ARBs that come in a liquid solution at a higher concentration than the 4mg/mL that Valsartan does? If not, is there another ARB in tablet form that performs better when being crushed?
Any advice, suggestions, or creative approaches would be very welcome. Thanks!

Its a long post so for anyone that will read it or reply thank you so much :)
All my issues started 2 years ago, there was alot of stress and I think that triggered my pelvic pain. I didnt know what was going on with me why did I experiance pain in my PF and penis so I was really lost.
The pain went totally away after ive calmed down after 1.5 months but it was brutal. Then I got sick and had some kidney issues and I got floxed with cipro. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks because of the pills. My body felt weak, my chest felt compressed and it felt hard to breathe. Amogst these symptoms I had many more.
I discovered soon that this was caused by cipro and found subreddit where people helped me. One of the things that really scared me about being floxed is that any stress on the body is not good while recovering... and tendopathy that alot of floxies talked about.
So that caused me a fear of moving. I wanned to get better as soon as I can cause side effect frightened me alot so I was resting alot and just going for short walks... and I think thats where my core weakness started to kick in.
That was going on for few months until I started to get better and I thank God that I did. I had few flares but that way it.
My pelvic pain wasnt gone tho so I wanned to understand what is going on with me but this lead me to alot of stuff (prostatitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, PN...).
So I did alot of reading and after a yeaf of ups and downs I realized I have tight pelvic floor. Ive read what to do but there was too much information with too much different opinions. Some people said engaging core is bad and should be avoided because it strains PF muscles. Some say strenghtening causes flares and that relaxing and stretching should work. So me being stuck in this and wanned to get better have stoped using my abs... and that made weaknes even worse.
I then found pelvic floor PT in another country since we dont have any here and went there. They gave me some exercises and told me to eleminate my stress as much as possible.
And I had 3 days without any symptoms. Then they came back but they were very mild I bearly noticed them. Eventually they almost fully went away for like 2 months until I had some back pain. Then they came back again. But that was again very mild and went almost fully away again for 2-3 months.
Then 6 months ago my back pain started suddenly and MRI showed inflamed facet joints. My pelvic pain came back but not that bad. I visited PT for back muscles and they told my my core is really weak. So they had me do some core exercises and after about 5 visits it somehow helped my pelvic pain quite alot I would say.
I had in total 10 visits, would go for more if I could afford but sadly cant.
My pain was mild and also gone for few days in between for 2 months again until recently. I had some stomach issues and I had diarrhea. And I think this could be causing my current flare.
My symptoms:
mainly just irritaton feeling, tight feeling and some pain. Its not constant I have better days and worse days. Sometimes pain just comes for no reason ? Sometimes i bearly feel anything or even nothing.
I have no other symptoms besides that.
Trough out the day the pain is not constant. Stress definetly makes it worse. And walking helps tons and also some stretching.
In those 2 years in total I had 1 month of pain free at the begining. I had around 7 months of almost 0 pain, most of the time I was totally okay but had few moments where I would feel it just a tiny bit again. Ive had few days or weeks without pain aswell but I dont really remember exactly.
Im VERY anxious person and I stress about my pelvic pain alot... always thinking everything does damage to me like certian moves, some straininh, laughing, core strenghtening exercises... and I just keep on searching for the cure. What am I doing wrong, is this even fixable
My questions:
-What should I do to get better, can I fix this?
-Should I stretch?
-Should I strenghten ? What exercises are safe for back ?
-Why does core strenghtening exercises cause flare ? (Glute bridges, bird dog...)
-Why Is pain sometimes on left side and sometimes on right ?
I just wanna be pain free im only 25 I should be enjoying life and working and im just stuck in this cycle.
My biggest fear thats in my head everyday is that this is forever thing and it makes me so damn sad...
Is this curable after 2 years ?
If you came this far I honestly wish you fast recovery and thank you for reading ❤️

I've been using the Saint Jane sunscreens for a while now (face sunscreen for a few months, body sunscreen for about a week as it was just released) and I love them. They're a rare mineral sunscreen face and body combo that sits matte on my skin and plays beautifully under makeup. I thought I'd share some of the pros / cons below in case anyone is considering these. Also, please share if you have any negative experiences!
(My skin context - I have very pale, rosacea prone textured skin with pink undertones that tends to the dry side)
Unless otherwise specified, the bullets apply to both the Luxury Sun Ritual Pore Smoothing Face Sunscreen SPF 30 and the Body Ritual Hydrating Mineral Sunscreen SPF 30.
Pros

• Filter type: Mineral sunscreen (zinc oxide), with no white cast (on my pale face which doesn't say a ton I know)
• Scent is nonexistent (on the body sunscreen) and briefly floral but not long lasting (on the face sunscreen)
• Texture on skin is completely matte. The face sunscreen has a pore blurring effect and sits beautifully under makeup. I use it as a primer as well. The body sunscreen is a bit more hydrating but dries down quickly (<5 min) and is completely matte to touch.
• Clean at sephora labeled, if this matters to you (it doesn't to me, but I thought I'd mention)
• Skin soothing ingredients. Some are your herbs and spices that may or may not do anything (jasmine, hibiscus), but it does have green tea leaf oil which has some evidence behind it.
• Really lovely packaging which won't matter to everyone but I really enjoy - the gold leaf on black bottle looks lovely on the counter
• Elegant formulations that feel nice to use and feel nice on my face. I've never noticed any pilling.

Cons

• A little bit drying on my already dry skin, especially the face sunscreen. I use a hydrating toner on days I wear it which helps a ton. For oily skin - this would be excellent.
• Scent on the face sunscreen may bother some people
• SPF is kinda low. SPF 30 is solid but not as high as I'd want if I were spending the day at the park. I consider this my office daily / wear under makeup sunscreen. I would not wear it in any kind of sweaty activity or to the beach.
• Price point is higher, but it has lasted me a long time. On sephora right now, the face sunscreen is $38 for 50 ml, and the body sunscreen is $48 for 120 ml. For this reason I do plan to try the body sunscreen on my face because it is so nice on my body!
• The name seems a bit silly like we know, it's luxury, you don't have to put it in the name OK? It's also more in the mid tier anyways so this is amusing to me. Feels a bit OTT. If this is my biggest nitpick with the product though that says a lot 😂

Overall I would definitely recommend this to people who want a mineral sunscreen that is matte and plays nice under makeup. There is also a sample of the face sunscreen in this year's Sephora sun screen bundle, which is always a nice deal. For those with oily skin you may really love it, for those with dry skin like me be prepared to add another hydration layer underneath.

I don’t even know where to post this because I have so many factors in the mix. In November 2023 I went off of the hormonal birth control pill and 100mg of Spiro on the same day. I wanted to go off of birth control and because of that I came off of Spiro. I had been on Spiro almost 4 years and birth control around 7 years.
For some background- I loved Spiro. It worked beautifully on me and for 4 years I lived with perfect normal skin. Not too oily. Not too dry. Never got acne. Minimal side effects outside of potassium problems. And looking back I think it did make me gain weight Long term. I think spiro is a life changing drug. But it’s temporary.
I had worked up a very strong tolerance to Tretinoin and thought that would keep my skin clear. I also consulted a gut and hormone Dietician to help me get my diet and supplements right when coming off.
It wasn’t until around February 2024 that I noticed things really start to change with my skin. I was getting incredibly oily. I can’t keep makeup on my skin is so oily. And I was breaking out in a ton of closed comedomes in my chin and forehead. Some of them will become inflamed and turn into a pimple and eventually come to a head.
Now in May 2024 I’m starting to get a few cystic spots. I simplified my routine and am down to using tretinoin as my only active. My derm also prescribed me Azaleic Acid as well.
I’ve been eating dairy free and low sugar for 3 weeks now. I think I’m doing everything right.
But HOW do I control the oil? The oil seems to bother me almost more than the acne bc it is making me feel and look so gross. Is this the classic androgen rebound? Does it calm down ever?
I’m hoping to TTC in this next few years so I’d like to be off birth control and Spiro to hopefully level off my body and hormones and not need to rely on them anymore.
Any help or experiences you have with this would be appreciated!

BerbaPrime Berberine offers notable benefits in blood sugar regulation and metabolic enhancement, making it a viable option for those looking to manage diabetes-related symptoms or improve their metabolic health.
However, its effects on weight loss and appetite control are somewhat moderate, and it may not live up to the expectations set by its strong marketing claims, which can feel a bit hyped up.
For weight management & appetite suppression, I would rate it at 3/5.
For those specifically seeking more effective appetite suppression and weight loss, alternatives like PhenQ or Instant Knockout, which contain glucomannan—a soluble fiber that promotes a feeling of fullness—might provide more direct and noticeable results in these areas.
In my opinion, these alternatives are better designed to tackle weight management more robustly by directly suppressing appetite and enhancing metabolic rates than Berbaprime alone.
If you're exploring Berberine as a supplement to manage your blood sugar and potentially cut down on your appetite, here's my honest scoop from firsthand use. It works along similar lines as Metformin by affecting the same metabolic pathway, which is a big plus if you're familiar with diabetes treatments.
However, it's gentler on the stomach compared to Metformin. But keep in mind, if you're already on Metformin, adding Berberine could be overkill, so it's crucial to consult your doctor first.
Also recommend this article on Medium on recommended berberine supplements.
I've noticed some immediate effects, like a bit of a loose stool at first, but this side effect tapered off pretty quickly. More importantly, it significantly cuts down my appetite, although NOT as strongly as other potent appetite suppressants.
This was a real game-changer for me, especially during mid-day cravings that used to be my downfall. If you're on a specific diet like keto, it might be a boon for managing those pesky carb cravings, making it easier to stay on track with your dietary goals.
Lastly, not all Berberine supplements are created equal. I switched to a dihydroberberine form from a slow-release tablet, which was more effective and way easier on my gut compared to the standard Berberine HCL capsules that gave me a hard time with stomach pain.
This type of Berberine is more bioavailable, meaning you get more bang for your buck at lower doses.
If you're juggling other medications, especially statins or thyroid meds, heads up—Berberine could mess with their effectiveness. Always discuss with your healthcare provider before starting it, treat it like any other serious medication, because it really can impact your health regimen significantly.
Nopal cactus or Glucomannan based weight loss pills seem to have much better safety profile, so if you’re looking for better & safer solutions, stick to those.

Introduction
If you are on the lookout for a natural way to suppress your appetite and aid your weight loss efforts, you might have come across BerbaPrime Berberine. This supplement boasts a high-strength Berberine HCL at 97% concentration, each dose delivering a hefty 1500mg.
What sets it apart from other berberine brands is not just its strength, but also its claims of supporting a healthy metabolism, managing cholesterol levels, and keeping blood sugar in check.
All these features sound great, especially if you are trying to manage or prevent issues linked to metabolic health. But let's take a look into what it's like using BerbaPrime daily, from a real user's perspective.

Pros & Cons of BerbaPrime Berberine as a Natural Ozempic Alternative

Pros:

• Blood Sugar Control: Highly effective in regulating blood sugar levels, mimicking some of the glucose-management effects of Ozempic.
• Metabolic Health: Activates AMPK, supporting improved metabolic processes and potentially aiding in weight management.
• Inflammatory Response Reduction: Offers anti-inflammatory benefits that can enhance insulin sensitivity and overall metabolic health.
• Gut Health Support: Positively impacts the gut microbiome, promoting a healthier digestive system which is essential for overall metabolic health.
• Safety Profile: Generally well-tolerated with a good safety profile, manufactured in facilities that follow high-quality standards.

Cons:

• Limited Energy Boosting: Does not significantly enhance energy levels, which may affect motivation for increased physical activity.
• Moderate Appetite Suppression: Less effective at directly suppressing appetite compared to Ozempic, impacting its efficacy in weight management.
• Variable Weight Loss Results: May not directly lead to significant weight loss, with effects on weight being less consistent and less pronounced.
• Initial Digestive Discomfort: Some users may experience gastrointestinal side effects such as stomach upset, especially when beginning the supplement.

Evaluation of BerbaPrime Berberine as a Natural Ozempic Alternative
1. Blood Sugar Regulation: 4/5 BerbaPrime Berberine effectively aids in stabilizing blood sugar levels, mimicking some of Ozempic's effects, due to its potent berberine content which activates AMPK, an enzyme crucial for glucose metabolism. Alternative: Cinnamon supplements are another natural option, known for helping to improve insulin sensitivity and lower blood sugar levels.
2. Appetite Modulation: 3/5 While BerbaPrime Berberine can help stabilize blood sugar, which indirectly aids in controlling appetite, it is less effective at directly suppressing hunger compared to Ozempic. Alternative: Glucomannan, and Nopal cactus are dietary fibes, that might be more effective in creating a feeling of fullness, helping to reduce overall calorie intake.
3. Metabolic Enhancement: 3/5 BerbaPrime Berberine activates AMPK, which can enhance metabolic health by improving how the body uses energy, though its impact may not be as substantial or immediate in terms of boosting calorie and fat burn as Ozempic. Alternative: Green tea extract, which contains catechins and caffeine, has been shown to increase metabolic rate and fat oxidation.
4. Energy Optimization: 2/5 BerbaPrime Berberine may support better glucose utilization, which can indirectly contribute to increased energy levels; however, it does not directly enhance energy in a noticeable way that supports increased physical activity like Ozempic might. Alternative: Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) supplements can boost energy by enhancing cellular energy production, particularly beneficial for increasing vitality and endurance.
5. Weight Management Support: 3/5 BerbaPrime Berberine can aid in weight management by improving metabolic health and reducing insulin resistance, which helps in the fat reduction process, but it may not directly cause significant weight loss. Alternative: Nopal cactus, Glucomannan, Garcinia Cambogia. Garcinia has been popular for its hydroxycitric acid content, which can reduce appetite and inhibit the production of new fats, offering more direct support for weight loss.
6. Safety and Tolerability Profile: 4/5 BerbaPrime Berberine is generally safe for most individuals when used as recommended, with its high-quality manufacturing practices ensuring product purity and safety. Some users may experience gastrointestinal discomfort initially, but it is typically well-tolerated. Alternative: Magnesium supplements are well-tolerated and offer numerous health benefits, including better blood sugar control and reduced insulin resistance, with minimal side effects.
7. Inflammatory Response Reduction: 3/5 BerbaPrime Berberine has anti-inflammatory properties that can contribute to reduced systemic inflammation, potentially improving insulin sensitivity and metabolic health. However, its effectiveness in significantly lowering inflammation compared to direct anti-inflammatory supplements is moderate. Alternative: Turmeric, especially when combined with black pepper (which enhances absorption), is highly effective at reducing inflammation due to its active compound curcumin, and it supports overall metabolic health.
8. Gut Health Improvement: 3/5 BerbaPrime Berberine can support gut health by modulating the gut microbiota, promoting the growth of beneficial bacteria, and reducing the population of harmful ones. While it offers some benefits, it may not be as potent or direct in improving overall digestive health as other specialized gut health supplements. Alternative: Probiotics are a direct and effective choice for enhancing gut health, improving digestion, nutrient absorption, and can also positively impact weight management and metabolic health.

Quick Summary

Luma Nutrition Berberine offers a high dosage of berberine hydrochloride aimed at supporting weight loss, appetite control, and blood sugar regulation. However, user feedback reveals mixed results, with some experiencing significant benefits while others report no effect or adverse side effects such as gastrointestinal distress and dizziness.
I think overall, it's a decent berberine supplement for various berberine related health effects.
But given the variability in effectiveness and the potential for severe side effects, it appears that Luma Nutrition Berberine may be overly hyped, especially for those looking for consistent and safe results in weight management and metabolic health.
For appetite suppression & weight loss, I'd rate it at 3, I'd rather recommend something like PhenQ and Instant Knockout for appetite management & weight loss (both are better appetite suppressants than Luma), while Blood Sugar Optimizer does a better job in blood sugar management , being my top pick as (Berberine + Ceylon cinnamon supplement).
Introduction
If you've stumbled upon Berberine while searching for natural supplements to aid weight loss or control appetite, you might be curious about what it actually does.
Berberine is a compound found in several plants that is often used in traditional Chinese medicine. It’s known for its potential to impact blood sugar levels and improve metabolic health. Recently, it's also been gaining attention as a weight loss and appetite control aid and as a natural supplement that cna have some ozempic like effects..
Luma Nutrition is just one of many brands offering Berberine, but they promote their product with some pretty appealing features like being all-natural and vegan-friendly.
If you're curious about trying Luma Berberine, especially for controlling blood sugar and cholesterol, it might do some good.
Now different people have different kinds of expereinces with Berberine.

From my own year-long experience with berberine, not Luma specifically but a similar product, I found that it really helped with things I wasn't even targeting initially—like my chronic migraines pretty much vanished, and to my surprise, my thinning hair got thicker. It also worked wonders for my sleep; I can pretty much clock out the minute I hit the pillow and get a solid 7.5 hours without a hitch. But don't expect miracles in weight loss—I didn't shed pounds, and frankly, it didn't make a dent in my appetite at all.

Now, it's important to talk about how you might feel when starting out and as you continue.
Early days, you might notice some mild stomach issues like gas because your body's getting used to it.
Berberine is tough to absorb, so take it on an empty stomach, about 30 minutes before you eat, to get the most out of it. Luma is no exception!
As time goes on, if you don't give yourself breaks from it, you might see some downsides.
For some people , taking it continuously may lead to some sexual dysfunction and mess with gut health, so I switched to a schedule—500 mg once daily for five days a week and then a break every few weeks.
This routine keeps the side effects in check and helps maintain the benefits without overwhelming my system. So, if you're planning to try it, consider a similar approach to manage any potential issues effectively.

Pros & Cons of Luma Nutrition Berberine

Pros:

• High Dosage: Each dose contains 1200mg of pure berberine hydrochloride, which is higher than many other berberine supplements on the market.
• Sugar-Free and Diet-Friendly: Suitable for individuals on vegan or gluten-free diets, and the capsules do not contain sugar, unlike gummy alternatives.
• Quality Assurance: The product is 3rd party tested for purity and quality, ensuring that what you consume is safe and effective.
• Made in the USA: Manufactured in GMP certified facilities, which guarantees a high standard of production and product safety.
• Veteran-Owned Business: Supports a veteran-owned business that is committed to providing customer support and addressing any product-related inquiries.
• Convenient Supply: Each bottle provides a 30-day supply, ideal for monthly subscriptions to maintain a regular intake without running out.

Cons:

• Potential Side Effects: Some users report side effects such as dizziness, intestinal distress, and heart palpitations.
• Inconsistent Effects on Appetite and Weight Loss: While some users experience benefits in terms of appetite suppression and weight loss, others see no effect, indicating variability in individual responses.
• No Return Policy on Amazon: The product cannot be returned if purchased through Amazon, even if unopened, which might discourage first-time buyers.
• Subscription Issues: There are reports of subscription delivery problems, including delays and receiving fewer capsules than promised.
• Does Not Suit Everyone: Not all users can tolerate the product; some report severe adverse reactions necessitating medical consultation.

Overview of Luma Nutrition Berberine
Luma Nutrition's Berberine comes in capsule form, which I found pretty standard for most dietary supplements. Each bottle contains 60 capsules, with a recommended dosage of two capsules per day.
This means each bottle is essentially a one-month supply if you follow the recommended dosage. The capsules themselves are a bit on the larger side, which might be a concern if you have trouble swallowing pills, but I managed fine.
One of the big selling points Luma Nutrition pushes is that their Berberine is made from all-natural ingredients, is vegan-friendly, and manufactured right here in the USA.
These are nice boxes to check off for anyone who's mindful about the ethical aspects of their supplements. They also claim that their product contains no GMOs, and is free from artificial fillers or dyes—something I appreciate since I try to keep my consumption of unnecessary additives to a minimum.
An independent company has verified the contents and safety of the product, which helps in building trust, especially if you're cautious about the purity of supplements. I found these details important not just for peace of mind but also because when it comes to supplements, you really want to make sure you're ingesting something safe and as advertised.

My Ratings Evaluation of Luma Nutrition Berberine as a Natural Ozempic Alternative

Blood Sugar Regulation

Rating: 4/5
Luma Nutrition Berberine contains 1200mg of Berberine HCI derived from Berberis aristata per serving, which is known for its potent effects on lowering blood sugar levels. Clinical studies have shown that Berberine can be effective in managing blood sugar, making it a strong natural alternative for mimicking some of the glucose-regulating effects of Ozempic. However, it might not be as consistently powerful as Ozempic, hence the deduction of one point.

Appetite Modulation

Rating: 3/5
While Berberine is primarily known for its impact on blood sugar and cholesterol, its effects on appetite are less direct. Some users report reduced appetite possibly due to better blood sugar control, which can decrease cravings and help with weight management. However, it's not specifically an appetite suppressant like Ozempic, so it scores a middle range for this category.

Metabolic Enhancement

Rating: 3/5
Berberine is reputed to have positive effects on metabolic health, primarily through the enhancement of glycolysis, which helps the body break down sugars more efficiently, and by improving insulin sensitivity. These actions can contribute to a higher metabolic rate indirectly. However, compared to Ozempic, which has a more direct role in enhancing metabolic outcomes, Berberine's effects are more moderate.

Energy Optimization

Rating: 2/5
While Berberine has been noted for its metabolic benefits, it is not primarily known for directly boosting energy levels. Users may experience increased energy indirectly through improved metabolic health and better blood sugar control, but it does not inherently contain energy-boosting properties like caffeine or other stimulants. Therefore, its capacity to support increased physical activity and vitality is limited and not as pronounced as the effects you might see with Ozempic.

Weight Management Support

Rating: 4/5
Berberine has shown promising results in supporting weight management through its ability to improve insulin sensitivity and enhance the breakdown of fats and sugars in the body. This can lead to reduced fat accumulation and support gradual weight loss, which aligns well with some of the weight loss mechanisms seen with Ozempic. While not as directly impactful as Ozempic, which is specifically designed for weight management in diabetic patients, Berberine holds its ground as a supportive supplement for natural weight management.

Safety and Tolerability Profile

Rating: 4/5
Berberine is generally considered safe when used appropriately, with common side effects being gastrointestinal discomfort such as cramps, diarrhea, or constipation. These side effects are typically mild and can often be managed with dosage adjustments. It is well-tolerated by most individuals, making it a viable alternative for those looking for natural supplements with minimal adverse effects. However, like any active compound, it's important to consult with a healthcare provider, especially for those with existing health conditions or those taking other medication.

Inflammatory Response Reduction

Rating: 3/5
Berberine has demonstrated some anti-inflammatory properties, which can contribute to overall health improvements, including enhancing insulin sensitivity and metabolic function. These benefits are crucial for managing conditions like diabetes and obesity, which are often accompanied by chronic inflammation. However, the anti-inflammatory effects of Berberine are not as extensively documented or as potent as those of some pharmacological treatments like Ozempic, which have broader systemic impacts. Therefore, while Berberine supports inflammation reduction, its effectiveness in this area is moderate compared to more targeted treatments.

Gut Health Improvement

Rating: 2/5
Berberine's impact on gut health is less clear and direct. Some studies suggest that Berberine can alter gut flora, potentially leading to improved gut barrier function and reduced permeability, which can indirectly support nutrient absorption and overall gut health. However, these effects are not as well studied or as pronounced as its effects on blood sugar and metabolism. Therefore, while there may be some potential benefits to gut health, they are not a primary function of Berberine, making it less effective in this category compared to Ozempic, which can have more noticeable effects on metabolic health and weight management through gut-related mechanisms.

Gonna freely spoil main series games up to AJ and the Chronicles Duology.
At this point in the rankdown, we're left with heavy hitters. Even the bit parts, the Caidins, the Menimemos, etc.- they all pull pretty crucial weight in bringing the often cacophonous story of DGS to life. (except olive green, but i don't have that cut in me right now). So now, it is time to kill our darlings.
Let's begin!

There Goes My Hero

Travis Touchdown: "Wait a sec. You want me to tie up all these loose ends? I don't think so." Henry: "You're the protagonist. I'm just a cool, handsome foil who happens to be your twin brother. Hate to say it, but it's your job." -No More Heroes

For all the good the medium has done us it's often hard to deny the mainstream appearance of the visual novel as something of an artistic ghetto (especially when directly compared to its non-visual counterpart). Even a reader who attributes no value at all to prose or literary theory can't deny that, for example, the prevalence of casual sexual violence in visual novels is at the very least a bad look. At risk of belaboring the point- this isn't a Japan thing, or at least not entirely. Visual novels specifically, with so much of their artisanal and traditional roots housed in good old 1990s ecchi and dojinsoft, have evolved let's call them "adaptational features" that linger even in the genre's gelded contemporaries. Even nonsexual, "serious" VNs like sci;adv still retain things like heroine routes and adapted reputation systems from the dating sims of yore.
Horny media in general has a protagonist problem. I'm not gonna go through the mechanics of it, but if even the neanderthals in animemes have figured it out, I'm comfortable taking it as a given. Let's be honest with ourselves, this trope extends far outside the explicitly pornographic. While SAO Kirito and John NGNL aren't literally faceless, their lack of distinct identity outside of the power fantasy they're designed to conjure is plain as day. This tendency to starve protagonists of distinguishing features so that a player can more easily see themselves in them is narrative poison, as far as I'm concerned. Joel and Ellie from the Last of Us are fifty times easier to put my shoes into than Yu Narukami or Byleth, because the former two are humans that interact dynamically to their surroundings in a tangibly compelling way and the latter two are factitious wooden planks that drain the intrigue and charisma from every scene they're heavily involved in.
All this to say, the term VN protagonist is not a compliment. And the term "VN protagonist" fits Ryunosuke to a T.
I'm going to write a pretty extended breakdown of this guy over the course of two pretty damn long games, but for the sake of a hypothetical uninformed reader, I want to make it explicit that for the vast majority of his time onscreen Ryunosuke's presence is an extremely functional one. Maybe this paragraph is the only one you need to read, because to keep it a buck fifty most of the stuff Ryunosuke does is, like, seeing zany stuff and going, "What the crap!?" or being in trouble and being like "Oh jeez, this is tough!" or articulating the logic the player has already figured out. If a quip needs to be said to reset the emotional tone of a scene, more often or not it's coming out of Ryunosuke's mouth. If the case wants to remind the player of an old clue, the writing team's first instinct is to have Ryunosuke think it to himself. When the game wants to instruct to you how it wants you to feel about a character, Ryunosuke will make some remark about how he feels. This stuff is the blood and bones of storytelling, but honestly Chronicles is so much more inelegant at exposition than most other games in the series and that often hurts Ryunosuke the most. Whereas a lot of Phoenix's dialogue simultaneously serves 2 or 3 purposes, basically everything his ancestor says is uncomfortably on the nose.
Ryunosuke is himself one of the duology's primary selling points, that being his nature as the genesis of the Wright dynasty. Even as a teenager I was kinda skeptical of this premise. I was satisfied with the fact that Wright derived his legacy from Mia Fey and Miles Edgeworth- two people who, by circumstance, came to defend him when he was at his most helpless. The fact that Phoenix was a living soyjak before the grace of his defenders elucidated him to the value of protecting the weak and awakened a burning desire for truth and justice within him was really powerful to me. But I was willing to trust the plan with Ryunosuke, and I was even excited to see how this theme would be iterated on in a different environment. So you can imagine my fucking surprise when Ryunosuke is tricked into defending himself in court and spontaneously realizes that yelling Objection feels uniquely right. The game even goes out of its way to describe this feeling as animalistic, to make it even more clear that this desire within Ryunosuke is part of his inbuilt biology instead of like related to anything sentimental or any bullshit like that.
I also found his presence and banter with other characters really limp. Phoenix and Maya are a classic-style straight man funny man duo, but the dynamic is layered and lived-in. It becomes evident that while Maya is legitimately eccentric she is poignantly aware of the levity her eclectic behavior provides to Phoenix's life, and it's her way (and an effective way at that) for protecting and caring for him and the found family they establish. Phoenix's relative seriousness isn't him being a hardass, but instead comes out of the neuroticism that keeps him rooted as a rookie defense attorney throughout the first three games, which is essential to his characterization as every part of the trilogy relies upon the assumption Phoenix is not yet a fully-formed defense attorney. Chronicles reverses this dynamic, placing Susato as the by-the-books straight man, and Ryunosuke as the weirdo in their interactions together. But what this often results in is the milquetoast facets of Ryunosuke's personality being hyperaccentuated, and the two leads don't really have any chemistry. Ryunosuke does play the straight man to Sholmes, Iris, and Gregson, but none of them have an interesting back and forth. In G1 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird!" and in G2 the other character does something and Ryunosuke is like "wow, that's weird! gotta love it, though."
If there's one thing I've seen people heap praise onto Ryunosuke for it's his "emotional journey." I don't see it. I would absolutely love to ignore it to further facilitate my point, but seeing as this is the penultimate writeup I'll make for this rankdown, I suppose it's worth some due diligence.

The Tale of Ryunosuke Naruhodo

"Men who are trapped by the chains of ‘maybe’ will never reach their dreams." -Ancient Chinese Proverb

The first two cases of the duology are honestly some of the most bizarre storytelling in the entire series in terms of the protagonist's arc. Through an insanely convoluted set of coincidences that would make the Soseki cases balk, Ryunosuke Naruhodo has the dubious honor of being the only AA MC to accidentally become a defense attorney. That doesn't bother me by itself, but it's a frankly bizarre amount of effort to establish this specific relationship between Ryunosuke and the law by the beginning of G1-3. In short: Naruhodo has demonstrable talent with the law, but he's still a fish out of water, and he's largely doing it out of devotion to his past and present friends. The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles takes about 10 hours to get to that point. Ace Attorney 1 gets there in less than fifteen minutes.
The rest of Ryunosuke's arc in the first game sidelines his devotion to Asogi to focus on how he learns to pursue the truth at any cost. Ryunosuke's first trial upon arriving in London is a tragedy, and it drives him to unceasingly chase the truth, even at the cost of his own immediate prestige and legal career. It might just be me, but this arc feels extremely unearned. Every single other protagonist in the series also doggedly pursues the truth. Perhaps more importantly, Ryunosuke never really personally struggles with finding the truth or the consequences of him doing so. He accepts blame in G1-5 for allowing injustice to happen in G1-3, but it's an empty gesture. There's just no way to read G1-3 in a way where Ryunosuke is complicit in injustice coming to pass. Like, what the hell was he supposed to do? Refuse to defend this guy because the vibes were off? The judge literally ends the trial prematurely in McGilded's favor as you stand there helplessly. Because of that, Ryunosuke accepting the blame for what happened two cases later reads a lot less like reconciling any sort of personal values and a lot more like he's just letting the system fuck him in order to save Gina. I guess he also reveals state secrets? But he just gets like a finger wagging at that lol gotta love London.
He doesn't really fare that much better in the second game either, treading water for the first few cases. Ryunosuke's exile presents a unique opportunity- to explore a declawed AA protagonist, to see how they navigate the world when they are not just separated but completely divorced from their beloved Lady Justice. The first game even opened the door for this by having a case without any trial segments and expanding the meaningful interactions that can happen during investigation. Naturally, G2 timeskips over this period straight into another case that Stronghart gives him.
G2-3 does feature what is probably Ryunosuke's most memorable moment in the driver's seat, when he chooses to go after Sithe even after he's already proven Harebrayne innocent. And I want to make it clear that this moment is absolutely phenomenal. The way the music, animation, and the puzzle-solving come together produces a moment with blinding white hot energy that makes my blood pump harder than maybe anything else in the damn game. But, again, for the purpose it plays in Ryunosuke's journey as an AA protagonist, it's pretty fucking disposable. AA has played around with the idea that there's more to finding the truth than just getting your client declared innocent since like, Turnabout Samurai day 3. And choosing to pursue Sithe isn't even Ryunosuke's idea- Sholmes has to have a mysterious moment of seriousness where he has to spell it out to Ryunosuke in advance.
A lot of ink has been spilled about how Susato essentially disappears as a character with agency after the sixth case out of ten, and that's true yeah lol. But I'd invite you to seriously consider how little Ryunosuke's decisions matter in the second game. There's just so much going on, so much to watch, so much to barely keep a lid on, that Ryunosuke ends up just standing where people tell him to stand for the length of the game. His relationship with Asogi, Sholmes, and Stronghart adds a lot of emotional weight to the final trials, but scarce little comes from what Ryunosuke actually does. Instead, it's that he happens to be there at all, vaguely doing lawyer things. Even in the final climactic sequences of the game, it often doesn't even feel like Stronghart is really fighting you, more often he's fighting Asogi, Van Zieks, or one of the other witnesses. And don't get me started on the very very end. For all that people argue Phoenix Wright takes the wind out of Apollo's sails in 4-4, at least Phoenix doesn't literally show up in the climax of the case, dance around, and personally deliver the final blow to villain.
Listen, it's not impossible to to weave a meaningful, even interesting story out of the shit that happens to Ryunosuke. But I keep finding myself wondering whether any of this shit actually has anything to do with Ryunosuke as a guy or just the inherent consequences of the circumstances he's found himself in. At all parts of Ryunosuke's arc, the writers wanted to have their cake and eat it too. The game expects you to believe that Ryunosuke has a near-divine aptitude for the law as he discovers something akin to a bloodlust for the truth in G1-1, and yet at the same time he's a reluctant entrant to the legal system who makes his decision to pursue the law in order to fulfill the legacy of a friend. Ryunosuke has to learn a vital lesson and accept blame for the truth being lost in the past in G1-5, and yet the game is too afraid of making him any rougher or less relatable to make him actually culpable of anything going wrong in the tragedy of G1-3. The game thematically positions him as the humble, foreign cure to the disease spreading in London, and yet at the same time it feels reluctant to give him any distinct value or trait that makes him successful at what he does.
Every part of Ryunosuke's journey is prescribed to him. Yujin tells him to raise his hand up in G1-1, he's forced to defend himself in G1-2, Asogi leaves behind the perfect spot for him to fill, and Stronghart assigns him to McGilded in G1-3. He's handed desperate, transparently innocent clients that are ingrained into his immediate social vicinity in G1-4, G1-5, and G2-2. In G2-3, he's handed Harebrayne's case by Stronghart, and he has his important decision dictated to him by Sholmes before the second day of trial. The finale of the game being to defend the edgelord prosecutor (who's really not so bad of a guy after all) does not do anything to dispel the feeling of going through the motions. And then he goes back to Japan.
Did he really gain anything in London? Did London really gain anything from him being there?

The End of a Hero

"The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world." -Skibidi Toilet

The widespread response to Ryunosuke kinda... shocks me? Even given everything I've written, I don't think bro is like bottom 5, but I've seen people say that Ryunosuke is like one of the best characters in the game. And, like, what? I legitimately believe that Phoenix is one of the strongest characters in the OT, but Ryunosuke? Did I play the same game as everyone else?
His banter on occasion feels a little bit more lived in than Ryunosuke's, but for every remark he makes that expands the world, he'll make 3 more that recap obvious information and pad for time. He often feels like he collects points with the community simply by being around, but his presence never feels crucial. When the player is placed in Maya's sandals in 2-4, there's an extra layer of discomfort from being distanced from Phoenix's perspective that adds to Maya's anguish. When the player occupies Mia's perspective in T&T, it adds a layer of uncanniness to the proceedings that finally reaches its cartharsis in the tragic end of 3-4. But it never feels unnatural to leave Ryunosuke's perspective to do a filler case as Susato or do a set piece as Sholmes and Mikotoba. Ryunosuke's presence is never missed.
At the end of the day, I don't need a protagonist to be deep. The phrase "simple but effective" is perhaps considered blasphemy around here but the enduring power of Indiana Jones and Rocky Balboa is not lost on me. But I do need a protagonist to be something. What did they really do with Ryunosuke? He was sold as a rebirth. When I first played the games, I felt he was a rehash. Having matured in my love for the franchise, he feels like a regression.
There's a cruel, brutal pragmatist in me that has been playing the Devil's Advocate in my head the entire time I've been writing this cut. While this whole rankdown business is about separating characters and evaluating them purely as individuals, no individual part of a story exists exists without context. At the end of the day, the goal of writing a character isn't necessarily to make them the intrinsically "best" character possible, but instead to elevate and make the best possible contribution to the story they're a part of. It's an unsexy thought for sure, but there's wisdom in it. If you caught me on vacation with a beer in my hand, you might even get me to admit the following- in a story that's more about a place than it is about any one person, perhaps the most functional protagonist is one that can most efficiently witness the environment around them. After all, being an avatar for the player is perhaps the single most important role for a video game protagonist, and so it's okay for a hero to exist largely as a focal lens.
And perhaps that's true. But I'm not gonna be putting them on any of my top 10 lists.

Context for reviews: I posted a haul of mineral-based sunscreens a few weeks ago and wanted to share my thoughts so far! My goal this summer is to find at least one alternative to Dr. G (my HG, see below) since sometimes it's harder to find in stock, and the other goal is to find a water-resistant sunscreen, possibly mineral, that doesn't irritate my skin; this review post does not includeany water resistant products. Hope to post part 2 in a couple weeks after I can test more!
My skin seems to react better consistently to zinc oxide-based sunscreens for daily use. (Typically, not so good with titanium dioxide as the primary SPF ingredient, that has been drying for me.) I haven't totally ruled out all chemical sunscreens, though I've had reactions of irritation, break outs, flushing or burning with some chemical-based sunscreens (including the oh-so-lovely BOJ Rice + Probiotics, Skin1004 hyla-cica sun serum, HaruHaru Wonder airyfit, some Skin Aqua products). Mineral sunscreens also seem to help reduce shine/oil on t zone.
I opt for products that are fragrance free (I find it distracting on my face but also some concern for irritation) and avoid or minimal use of essential oils.
Skin type: Combination, acne-prone, sensitive, rosacea type 1. Mid 30s. Pale skin.
Climate: "Mediterranean" according to google, extra hot and very dry spring/summers, mild winters.
Relevant routine notes: I typically apply a daytime moisturizer under sunscreen and sometimes a serum, such as Aestura Hydro Soothing Cream and Cos De Baha Tranexamic Acid + Niacinamide Serum. I also double cleanse most nights using a cleansing balm and a water-based cleanser. I do try to reapply SPF every 2 hours in direct sun and before going out for walks during the workday. I don't often wear makeup beyond concealer.
Skin concerns: barrier care, acne, redness, PIE
KEY: WRNP = Would Not Repurchase. MRP = Might Repurchase. WRP = Would/Will Repurchase. HG = Holy Grail/Multiple Repurchases/I Rely On This!
Note: All of these sunscreens contain butyloctyl salicylate, which seems to be generally considered an unregulated chemical sunscreen ingredient; some ingredient sites consider it an "emollient" and others a "sunscreen booster." I don't seem to react negatively to this ingredient but I do consider it worth mentioning, given the various factors that many folks seek out mineral sunscreen options.
Isntree - Hyaluronic Acid Natural Sun Cream SPF 50+ PA++++
Ingredient list (from Olive Young): Water, Zinc Oxide, Cyclohexasiloxane, Butyloctyl Salicylate, Propanediol, Propylheptyl Caprylate, Isododecane, Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Niacinamide, Caprylyl Methicone, Methyl Methacrylate Crosspolymer, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Magnesium Sulfate, Triethoxycaprylylsilane, 1,2-Hexanediol, Polyglyceryl-2 Dipolyhydroxystearate, Lauryl Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Glyceryl Caprylate, Caprylyl Glycol, Ethylhexylglycerin, Adenosine, Tocopherol, Sodium Hyaluronate (10 ppm), Betaine, Inositol, Panthenol
Use time: about 1 week of daily use in springtime.
Overall Impression: Creamy in texture and fairly moisturizing. It does have kind of an extreme white-cast. It takes a fair amount of rubbing in to reduce for me, it's a dedicated process, hah! I noticed it most around my nostril creases and uhhh my mini mustache. My partner who has a deeper skin tone found the white cast intolerable, TBH. That said, it has a decent pore blurring effect if you get it rubbed in enough, heh. I found it to be non-drying. I originally thought I could possibly skip moisturizing with this but I noticed some days when I didn't reapply in the PM, my forehead looked more dehydrated than usual. I think it's a dewy-ish finish. I didn't experience any irritation while using, so that's also good.
Rating: WNRP as I think there are better options out there! I will use up what I have later this summer.
Torriden - DIVE IN Mild Suncream SPF 50+ PA++++
Ingredient list (from Olive Young Global): Water, Zinc Oxide, Cyclohexasiloxane, Butyloctyl Salicylate, Propylheptyl Caprylate, Propanediol, Dicaprylyl Carbonate, Isododecane, Lauryl Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Caprylyl Methicone, Sodium Hyaluronate, Hyaluronic Acid, Hydrolyzed Sodium Hyaluronate, Hydrolyzed Hyaluronic Acid, Sodium Acetylated Hyaluronate, Sodium Hyaluronate Crosspolymer, Potassium Hyaluronate, Dimethylsilanol Hyaluronate, Hydroxypropyltrimonium Hyaluronate, Sodium Hyaluronate Dimethylsilanol, Panthenol, Allantoin, Trehalose, Ceramide NP, Hamamelis Virginiana (Witch Hazel) Extract, Portulaca Oleracea Extract, Anthemis Nobilis Flower Extract, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil, 2,3-Butanediol, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Magnesium Sulfate, Triethoxycaprylylsilane, Methyl Methacrylate Crosspolymer, Polyglyceryl-2 Dipolyhydroxystearate, Lauryl Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Glyceryl Caprylate, Caprylyl Glycol, Butylene Glycol, Tocopherol, Ethylhexylglycerin, 1,2-Hexanediol, Melia Azadirachta Leaf Extract, Melia Azadirachta Flower Extract, Coccinia Indica Fruit Extract, Solanum Melongena (Eggplant) Fruit Extract, Aloe Barbadensis Flower Extract, Curcuma Longa (Turmeric) Root Extract, Corallina Officinalis Extract, Ocimum Sanctum Leaf Extract, Camellia Sinensis Leaf Extract, Malachite Extract
Use time: about 2 weeks of mostly daily use in springtime
Overall: I really enjoy this sunscreen! It's quite cosmetically elegant and I would say very very easy to apply. I do sort of apply in layers a bit. It is a slightly gel-creamy texture, the texture feels "plump" for lack of a better word. The white cast disappears much faster and with less rubbing in than most mineral sunscreens for me, though I have to be mindful of white cast along my hairline more than I'm used to and it takes longer when reapplying. It dries down fairly well, feels both moisturizing and hydrating somehow! My skin feels extra soft at the end of the day. I can use it interchangeably with my HG below, which for my sensitive skin is saying somethin'. I would say it's a more dewy or maybe satin finish. Extra plus, it comes in a cute narrow tube that is quite convenient in my packed purse!
Rating: WRP for sure
Dr. G - Green Milk Up Sun+ SPF 50+ PA++++
Ingredients (from Olive Young Global): Water, Zinc Oxide, Propanediol, Butyloctyl Salicylate, Propylheptyl Caprylate, Coco-Caprylate/Caprate, Cyclohexasiloxane, Caprylyl Methicone, Isododecane, Lauryl Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Methyl Trimethicone, Methyl Methacrylate Crosspolymer, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Magnesium Sulfate, Triethoxycaprylylsilane, 1,2-Hexanediol, Polyglyceryl-2 Dipolyhydroxystearate, Lauryl Polyglyceryl-3 Polydimethylsiloxyethyl Dimethicone, Polymethylsilsesquioxane, Glyceryl Caprylate, Caprylyl Glycol, Ethylhexylglycerin, Sodium Hyaluronate, Butylene Glycol, Tocopherol, Centella Asiatica Extract, Caesalpinia Spinosa Fruit Extract, Pinus Pinaster Bark Extract, Kappaphycus Alvarezii Extract, 7-Dehydrocholesterol, Houttuynia Cordata Extract, Ectoin, Buddleja Officinalis Flower Extract, Lactobacillus Ferment, Hydroxycinnamic Acid, Rutin
Use Time: about 1 year with pretty regular use as a daily sunscreen, all seasons
Overall: This is a slightly loose, more liquidy texture but not runny. It applies easily and dries down pretty quickly. There is a distinct white cast that for me disappears effectively once rubbed in and after it settles; it gives a nice pore blurring effect. I find this non-drying, non-irritating and reliable. I don't seem to notice white cast around my hairline, in comparison to Torriden, and find it easy to reapply. While it does have more plant extracts than I typically aim for, I've had no issues so I'll keep using! It's a bit plain -- which is great for sensitive skin, but I admit I find the Torriden just a bit more fun somehow. I do think it is the best matte finish with nice oil control.
Rating: HG always want to have a backup at the ready
Next on my list: Biore UV Kids Pure Milk (water resistant - spoiler: didn't have a great start on day 1&2, broke out immediately), Biore BarrierMe (water resistant), Axis Y No Stress Physical Sunscreen, Benton Mineral we'll find out if I can tolerate rosemary oil.
Any other suggestions to try? I've tried Haruharu's mineral SPF but wasn't a fan of the texture or white cast, and I've used the hybrid Skin Aqua Moisture Milk (seems to break me out, boo).
Thanks for reading! Let me know any questions!

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I had always remembered my deeply rooted envy at a girl at my old high school. Alyssa Howard, Home Room 207. It hadn't been long since I graduated there. I was in Class of '22, in a homeroom that I simply didn't fit in. It was isolating since everyone in my homeroom was in groups of friends, everyone was their own designated groups.
Alyssa was in the Choir group, consisting of 8 girls. They were girls that were a part of Choir Class, an elective that made no sense why I took it. Along with Alyssa Howard, there was Brianne Becker, Fiona Figueroa, Leslie Smith, Hannah Klidford, Emma Kelly, Mandy Lake, and... Karla Reyes. Karla Reyes was one of them I knew very well. In fact she is the reason why I'm typing this out.
Karla was my childhood friend, we met in 5th grade. Her family was from around Texas, and she recently moved to this small town of Meadows Dale. I didn't have friends at that age since most kids thought I was...well weird. I didn't comprehend why I was weird to them at the time, I just simply thought I wasn't cool enough. I remember vividly that I was walking far from the rusty playground, to a hill that pretty much if going more up north, you'll be at the Centennial Park of the town.
That sunny day in 5th grade felt like it was just yesterday. I was walking up a hill, my Elsa shoes making every step feel like a chore. I sighed, looking down at my shoes, feeling embarrassed that my mom had gotten them for me. All the other kids in my grade were wearing Converse or cool sneakers, and here I was, stuck with sparkly, princess-themed shoes. I flopped down on the grassy ground, feeling like the biggest outcast in the world.
I sat there, lost in my own thoughts, I noticed a girl with dark hair and tan skin walking towards me. She looked a bit nervous, fidgeting with her hands as she approached. I recognized her from my homeroom class.
"Hey," she said, trying to sound casual. "These hills look like a pair of butt cheeks, don't they?" She giggled, and I couldn't help but laugh too.
I signed back to her, using my hands to mimic the shape of hills and then making a silly face to show that, yes, they did look like butt cheeks. Karla laughed, and I was surprised. Not many people in my class knew sign language, and it was nice to have someone to communicate with in my own way.
"Do you know sign language?" I signed, curiosity getting the better of me.
Karla nodded, her dark hair bobbing up and down. "Yeah, my aunt was born deaf, so I learned to communicate with her."
I signed back, asking her if she thought it was cool that I knew sign language too.
Karla grinned. "Yeah, that's really cool! I'm Karla, by the way."
“Lily,” I signed my name, and Karla sat down next to me on the grass. We chatted for the rest of recess, discovering that we had a lot in common. We both loved DreamWorks movies better than Disney, and our favorite music group was Fifth Harmony. I was obsessed with them back then, and Karla was too. We both wanted to be like Camila Cabello when we grew up.
From that day on, Karla and I were inseparable. We'd sit together at lunch, partner up for group projects, and even started a Fifth Harmony fan club in our class. Karla would always lend me an earbud so we could jam out to our favorite songs together. Our friendship was effortless, and I felt like I'd finally found someone who understood me.
It was perfect until the start of Freshman year of Meadows Dale High School. I held my scheduler tightly in my hands as I climbed the stairs to the kitchen, my stomach twisted in knots. My heart sank as I scanned the pages, taking in the fact that most of my classes were designated for students with special educational needs. Homeroom and choir were the only exceptions.
I made my way to the living room where my mom was seated, tears brimming in my eyes. "Mom, why do I have to take these classes?" I signed, frustration etched on my features. "I don't need this kind of help. I can handle regular classes just fine."
My mom looked at the schedule, her expression sympathetic. "I know you don't seem to need help, sweetie, but the school requires you to take these classes. It's just protocol."
I sighed, feeling a wave of frustration wash over me. "I'm going to feel like even more of a freak than I already do," I gestured angrily, trying to hold back tears.
From the living room doorway, my father's deep voice cut through the silence. His ears perked up from the conversation. "Hey, kiddo, what's going on?" he asked, his voice gentle.
I signed again, rapidly gesturing my fingers "I don't want to take Special ED classes, Dad. I can do normal classes. I can hear the teachers very well!"
My dad walked over to us, his eyes scanning the schedule. "I know it's tough, Lily, but the school is just trying to help. Plus, You're not a freak. Not in our eyes, anyway. If anybody gives you trouble, I'll personally see to it that they regret it." His tone was lighthearted, but his meaning was clear. He was the sheriff, after all, and his reputation preceded him.
I rolled my eyes, signing, "Dad, please. You're only making things worse."
Ignoring my pleas, he ruffled my hair affectionately before leaving the room. I retreated to my bedroom, collapsing onto my bed in a heap of tears. The night passed in a blur, and soon enough, it was time for me to wake up and face another day.
I woke up to the sound of my dad calling me from downstairs. "Lily, time to get up! First day of school!" I groggily got out of bed, still feeling the emotional hangover from the night before.
My dad drove me to school in his police cruiser, which only added to my embarrassment. I remembered feeling weird being in the cruiser, with its flashing lights and sirens. As we pulled up to the school, my dad turned to me and said, "No matter what, you'll always have me and Mom, okay? We love you, and we're proud of you."
He hugged me tight, and I felt a lump in my throat again. I nodded, trying to hold back tears, and got out of the car. Finally me into the world of Meadows Dale High School.
The enormity of the building hit me hard as I stepped inside. The halls were bustling with activity, and the noise level was overwhelming. The classes flew by, and I couldn't help but feel like my Special ED classes were too easy for me. The teacher aides were sweet, but they were busy helping other students, leaving me to feel like I was just going through the motions.
As I walked out of my Literature class, I noticed a boy sitting alone next to a locker. He had ginger hair and was a bit overweight, and he was using a big headset to listen to music. There was something about him that drew me in, so I walked over to say hi.
He removed his headphones, looking up at me with a nervous smile. "Hi," he said, his voice a little shaky.
I signed back, "Hi."
He laughed, a little awkwardly. "Sorry if I'm a bit awkward. I'm not really used to talking to people."
I signed, "You're not awkward at all."
He smiled, looking relieved. "Thanks. I'm Matt Weston."
I nodded, signing, "I'm Lily."
Matt's eyes lit up. "Sweet. What's your homeroom?"
"207."
Matt's face brightened up. "No way, that's my homeroom too!"
I smiled, feeling a sense of excitement. "That's amazing!"
Matt stood up, walking towards a bookshelf. "Homeroom's next class. Want to walk with me?"
I nodded, following him as the bell rang. We exited the class, and suddenly we were swept up in a sea of students pushing and shoving to get to their next class.
We finally arrived at class 207, which was already filled with students. I saw Alyssa sitting in the back with her group of friends, looking like a star athlete. Matt went to sit in the front seat, and I sat next to him.
Just as we were settling in, one of the guys from Jr high football, Ryan Peterson, hit a football at Matt, saying, "Can't believe we got 'Butterball' in our class."
Matt rolled his eyes, saying, "At least I don't have a father who cheats and spreads gonorrhea."
Ryan's friend, Warren, said, "Ohhh sick burn,"
Ryan huffed, whispering to Matt, "Just because you're special doesn't mean everybody likes you."
I got mad, flipping Ryan the finger, which made him laugh. "You're lucky I ain't telling the teacher, because I don't want any issues with your old man!" Ryan walked away with Warren, leaving me feeling annoyed.
The homeroom teacher arrived, a young guy in his 20s with cedar brown hair and a pair of glasses. "Hello Students! Like that you are all sitting in neatly placed groups. My name's Mr. James and I'll be your homeroom teacher for Freshmen till Senior Year. Hope you excited as I am!"
Just as he was about to start writing on the white board, a beautifully dressed Karla emerged late, looking older and more mature with a lot of makeup on. I looked up, happy to see her, only for her to not notice me and sit down next to Alyssa's group.
Matt whispered to me, "Do you know that girl?"
I signed, "No."
Matt nodded, looking curious. "She looks familiar, but I don't know her name. Was it Kayla or Karly?"
"It's Karla," I shrugged, feeling a pang of disappointment. It seemed like Karla had moved on to a new group of friends, leaving me behind. I don't know how this change happened, since Karla and I went on a trip to Orlando, Florida, three weeks ago. I thought we had the best of our life's during that trip.
I was stumped, watching from afar as Karla chatted with Alyssa and her friends. I felt a twinge of jealousy and sadness as I realized how easily Karla had seemingly moved on and found a new group to hang out with. I mean, I thought we were best friends. It felt like Alyssa had stolen her from me.
I turned my attention elsewhere, not wanting to dwell on it. That's when I noticed a teenage boy sitting alone a few rows in front of me. He had jet black hair and there was something familiar about him, although I couldn't quite place it. I wondered who he was and why he was sitting alone.
"Hey, Lily," Matt said, following my gaze. "Do you know that guy? He looks kind of like a mini Detective Loomis."
I shook my head, signing that I had no idea who he was, but now I was curious too. Detective Loomis had been a family friend for years, and I knew he had a son, but I hadn't seen him in a while.
Matt chuckled nervously and waved his hand as if to dismiss his own question. "Just wondering. He kind of looks like him, that's all."
Just then, the boy turned around in his seat and our eyes met. He raised an eyebrow, clearly having overheard our conversation. "Yeah, that's my dad," he said, a hint of challenge in his voice. "Why?"
Matt shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearly not expecting such a direct response. "Oh, um, no reason. Just curious, that's all."
The boy, Brandon Loomis, as I now knew him to be, nodded slowly, as if accepting Matt's explanation. Then, to my surprise, he introduced himself with a small smile. "Brandon Loomis. And you are...?"
"Lily Anderson. Nice to meet you, Brandon."
“I'm Matt by the way,” Matt chimed in.
A flash of something—was it pain?—crossed Brandon's face, but it was quickly replaced with a smile. "Nice to meet you both. Your dad's a good man, Lily. He helped me out a lot."
I could only imagine what Brandon had been through. I remembered hearing snippets about his kidnapping a while back, but I had no idea what he must have endured. No wonder he hadn't been in school until now.
"Well, I hope the rest of the year goes well for you," I signed sincerely.
Brandon smiled at me again, and I felt a warm glow spread through my chest. "Thanks, Lily. I hope so too."
As the homeroom continued, Mr. James had us all introduce ourselves and played some icebreaker games to help us get to know each other better. It was actually kind of fun, and it took my mind off Karla and her new friends for a while.
One of the things we had to do was share a fun fact about ourselves. When it was Matt's turn, he revealed that he was the son of Mayor Weston and a great friend of my dad's. No wonder he seemed so familiar! I knew my dad would be thrilled to hear that Matt and I had become friends.
Before I knew it, the homeroom was over, and Matt, Brandon, and I headed out into the hallway together. I was relieved to find out that we all had B lunch, so I wouldn't have to eat alone.
"So, where do you guys usually eat?" Brandon asked as we made our way down the crowded hallway.
"I don't know about Lily, but I usually just grab something from the cafeteria and eat outside," Matt replied.
I signed, "That sounds good to me. I like being outdoors."
Brandon nodded. "Yeah, me too. Although, I usually eat my lunch at Dillard's Diner since I work there after school. You guys should come by sometime. The food's pretty great."
"Definitely!" Matt said enthusiastically. "I love diner food. And hey, maybe we can even help you out sometime if you're short-staffed."
Brandon laughed. "Sure, why not? It can get pretty crazy on the weekends, so any extra hands would be appreciated."
As we made our way to the cafeteria, Matt started talking about his favorite band, Deftones. I had to admit, their music was a little too heavy for my tastes, but Matt was so passionate about it that I found myself getting drawn in.
"You know, you should check out their album 'White Pony,'" Matt said. "It's a classic. My dad actually introduced me to them, and I've been hooked ever since."
I signed with a smile, "My dad's always trying to get me into his favorite bands too. He's a big fan of The Beatles and Queen."
"Oh, those are classics," Brandon chimed in. "My dad's more of a country music guy, but I've definitely grown to appreciate some of the older stuff."
While we ate lunch, I pulled out my sketchbook and started drawing, something I often did when I was feeling nervous or needed a distraction. Matt and Brandon were curious and asked to see my drawings. I showed them some of my anime-style sketches, and they both complimented my work.
"Wow, Lily, these are amazing!" Matt exclaimed. "You're gonna be like Picasso one day."
I signed, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. "Thanks, Matt. That's really nice of you to say."
Brandon nodded in agreement. "Seriously, you're really talented. I wish I could draw like that."
As lunch came to an end, Matt and Brandon suggested that they walk me to my next class. I was surprised but pleased that they wanted to stick together. My next class was Choir, and thankfully, it was just down the hall.
"So, Lily, do you sing?" Brandon asked as we walked.
I signed, feeling a little self-conscious. "A little. I mean, I really want to sing, but I'm not sure I'm any good."
"Don't be shy, Lily," Matt said with a grin. "I bet you have a great voice."
I felt my face flush again, but I was glad that Matt and Brandon seemed so supportive. As we reached the choir room, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for whatever the class might bring. I slowly pushed open the door to the choir room, unsure of what to expect. The room was dark, but as my eyes adjusted, I could make out the outlines of rows of chairs facing a small stage. The room had a strange beauty to it, with its blue and white color scheme and intricate design carvings. I made my way to an empty chair near the exit, wanting to keep a low profile.
Before long, a flood of girls began to pour into the room, chattering and laughing. I recognized many of them from the Meadows Dale Advanced Academic Program. My heart sank a little as I spotted Brianne Becker, one of the most popular girls in school, deep in conversation with Meg Peterson. They were giggling about some guy they both apparently liked. Brianne's eyes suddenly landed on me, and her smile faded. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, feeling self-conscious under her gaze.
Alyssa entered the room, and the atmosphere seemed to brighten. Brianne's face lit up, and she rushed over to give Alyssa a hug. "I'm so happy you're in this class!" she exclaimed. Alyssa smiled back, her warm hazel eyes shining. I felt a small sense of relief seeing her friendly face.
Following Alyssa were Mandy, Fiona, Leslie, Hannah, Emma, and Karla. They all seemed to be deep in their own conversations, and I felt even more alone. Karla was telling Fiona about getting her nails done, and Fiona was expressing her dislike for acrylics. I stood up and waved at Karla, trying to get her attention. She had been one of my few friends in middle school, but something had changed between us lately.
Alyssa, however, made her way over to me and offered a genuine greeting. "Hi, Lily! It's so great to see you in this class," she said, her eyes sparkling with sincerity. I felt a small smile tug at my lips. At least there was one person here who didn't seem to mind my presence.
Entering through the red velvety curtains of the stage, a woman with brunette hair, who looked to be in her early 40s, emerged from behind the stage. She had an air of enthusiasm about her as she introduced herself as Mrs. Becker, Brianne's mother. I remembered hearing that they were related, and at the time, I had thought it was sweet that a mother and daughter shared the same class.
Mrs. Becker instructed us all to take our seats and explained that this class was for girls only. She then asked each of us to come up on stage and recite the Do-Mi-Re-Fa-So syllables so that she could group us into sections of eight. My heart sank as I realized I would have to sing in front of everyone.
One by one, Mrs. Becker called each girl up to the stage. Some of the girls had okay voices, while others were truly talented. Then it was Brianne's turn. Her voice was like an angel's, a beautiful soprano that filled the room. Fiona and Emma also impressed me with their deep, rich alto voices. Mandy, Leslie, and Hannah had high-pitched, yet well-controlled voices that blended beautifully.
Alyssa and Karla were the last to go, and they both had perfect voices. Alyssa's voice was like honey, smooth and warm. But it was Karla who really stood out. She sounded like a pop idol, her voice clear and powerful. I found myself getting lost in the music, forgetting my worries for a moment.
Then Mrs. Becker called my name, and my heart sank. I nervously made my way up the stairs to the stage, my hands trembling at my sides. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. As I opened my mouth to sing, an awful, screeching noise escaped. My throat instantly sting, as the aftertaste of metallic overwhelmed my mouth. It was so bad that Mrs. Becker immediately cut me off.
"Why are you in this class, Lily?" she asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice.
I looked at her sadly and signed, "I don't know. I didn't choose this class."
Mrs. Becker softened a little, seeing my dejected expression. "Well, you better discuss these matters with a counselor about switching, because there are better candidates out there who want a spot in this class," she said bluntly.
I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment as I made my way back to my seat at the very back of the room. I could feel the eyes of the other girls on me, and I heard their stifled laughter. Karla's laughter rang out the loudest, stabbing me like a knife. Alyssa was the only one who didn't join in, her face a mask of disappointment. I wasn't sure if she was disappointed in me or in the other girls' behavior.
It was next week, I got out of my algebra class heading towards the office. I had to wait till Monday, since during the first few days, my assigned counselor was not available. I was already antsy of finally getting out of that Choir class, I couldn’t deal another day with a class I clearly didn’t fit in. My schedule in my hand, I pulled the door open, being greeted by the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip muffins. Nervousness ran through me, wondering what type of counselor Dr. Wells would be.
The door was wide agape, leading me into the source of that muffin smell. Sitting there on a working desk, was a man typing on his laptop. He looked a bit exhausted, almost to the point that he slumped on his chair. Tilting my head, I nudged on his shoulders, trying to shake him awake. I couldn’t help but feel warmth radiating in my cheeks.
“Huh? Oh, hello there Lily. What brings you here?” Dr. Wells jolted up, probably noticing how close I was to his face. I backed away, sitting down on a red couch next to him.
“I want to change classes please.”
Mr. Wells nodded off, scooting his chair back towards his mahogany desk. He searched up my schedule, turning his laptop to my view. “Oh, I see. In what class do you want to change?”
I nervously let out a breath, as I finally let out what emotions I was holding. “I don’t know why you assigned me Choir, but everyone in that class hates me. I really need that class changed, Dr. Wells.”
I saw my counselor's lip repeatedly twitched a bit, before he gathered his composure. Dr. Wells looked up from his desk, his kind face softening as he saw me. "Lily, I want to apologize profusely for putting you in that situation."
I signed, feeling a little comforted by his words. "It's okay. I did want to be in that class, but I just... I felt so out of place with all the other girls laughing at me."
Dr. Wells sighed and rubbed his temple. "I'm truly sorry, Lily. I was told you loved music and thought you would enjoy the class. But it's clear that it wasn't a good fit. Do you have another class in mind that you'd like to take instead?"
I nodded and signed, "Art class. I heard my friend Brandon is taking that, and I've always loved drawing."
Dr. Wells typed something into his laptop. “Consider it done. I'll have the change processed by tomorrow, if not sooner. In the meantime, help yourself to a muffin. The library teacher made them for me, and they're delicious."
I smiled and took one of the muffins, taking a bite. "Are you and the library teacher... a thing?" I asked, feeling a little bold.
Dr. Wells laughed, a deep, hearty sound that filled the room. "No, no, nothing like that. Just colleagues. She knows I have a sweet tooth, so she often shares her baking creations with me."
I felt a wave of relief wash over me. It was probably one of the few times I'd developed a crush on someone, and as usual, it was harmless and something I'd get over quickly. Dr. Wells was one of those crushes indeed. I stood up from my chair, feeling much better than when I arrived. "Well, thank you, Dr. Wells. I better head to class soon."
Dr. Wells smiled and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Of course, Lily. And remember, if you ever need someone to chat with, my door is always open."
Later that day, during lunch, I made my way to our usual table with Brandon and Matt. They were already deep in conversation about their morning classes.
"PE is a nightmare," Matt was saying. "All the athletes make fun of me because I'm not as fast or strong as they are. It's frustrating."
Brandon nodded sympathetically. "I heard you beat Ryan on the pacer test, though. That's impressive."
Matt shrugged, taking a bite of his apple. "It was just luck, honestly. Ryan got too cocky and sprained his knee on the seventy-ninth lap. I just kept a steady pace.”
I signed to Matt, "You should still be proud. I bet your dad was happy."
Matt smiled. "He was. It's not every day I get to impress him, especially when it comes to sports. You know how Mayor Weston was a star athlete back in his day."
I laughed, and then took a bite of my sandwich. "Speaking of impressing people, I have some news. I'm switching out of choir class and into art elective. Hopefully, I'll be in the same class as you, Brandon."
Brandon's face lit up. "That's great! I'm so glad you'll be joining us. Art class is a lot of fun.”
Matt nodded in agreement. "I'm happy for you, Lily. But why are you leaving Choir? I thought you loved singing."
My smile faltered, and I looked down at my lap. "It's just... it's not the right fit for me," I signed.
Matt frowned, chewing on his apple. "Is Mrs. Becker too mean? I've heard she can be hard on students who aren't part of the popular crowd."
"No fair," I signed, my eyes pleading with him to understand.
Brandon nodded. "It really isn't fair, Matt. That's why I prefer to keep a low profile. Popularity contests aren't worth the hassle.”
Just then, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned to see Karla standing there, a sad look on her face. "Lily, can I talk to you?" she asked, her voice soft and hesitant.
I hesitated, signing, "Why?”
With a strand of hair tucked behind her ear, she leaned in and whispered, "I want to talk to you in private."
I glanced at Matt and Brandon, signing, "I'll be back, okay?"
Matt nodded, his eyes curious. "We'll be here. Take your time."
I followed Karla to the girl's bathroom, my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure what this was about, but I sensed it was important to her. Once we were inside, Karla pulled out a juul vape from her pocket and took a hit. The sweet smell of watermelon filled the air.
"Want a hit?" she offered, holding it out to me.
I was curious, so I signed, "Sure."
I took a cautious drag, expecting to choke, but surprisingly, I didn't. Karla laughed, "I guess you already know how to smoke. Not so innocent after all, huh?"
I rolled my eyes. "I learned from watching Effy in Skins. It's not like I've never seen it before."
Karla laughed again, a genuine sound that seemed to break through the tension between us. "Look, Lily, I wanted to apologize for what happened in the choir. I shouldn't have laughed. It was mean, and I'm sorry."
I stayed silent, unsure of how to respond. A part of me wanted to accept her apology, but another part was still hurt by her earlier behavior. Before I could say anything, Karla cut in, "I know it doesn't make up for it, but I want to make it up to you. How about I take you to the skating rink this evening? It's one of our favorite places, remember?"
I hesitated, considering her offer. Finally, I signed, "Okay, I guess."
Karla's face lit up, and she gave me a quick hug. "Great! I'll text you the details. See you later, okay?" And with that, she left the bathroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I walked back to the cafeteria, my mind racing. Matt rushed over to me, his eyes full of questions. "How did it go? What did she want?" he asked.
"It went okay," I replied, signing as I continued. "Karla invited me to the skating rink this evening."
Brandon's eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know, Lily. Karla hangs out with those choir girls. I don't think we can trust her, especially after what happened."
I bit my lip, understanding his concern. "What if I sneak you and Matt in too? That way, if anything goes south, we'll be together."
Matt's eyes lit up. "That's a brilliant idea! I'm in."
A small smile tugged at my lips. "It's settled, then. We're going skating."
That afternoon, I waited on the porch for Karla to pick me up. The sun was starting to set, casting a warm glow over everything. My dad emerged from the house, dressed in his sheriff's uniform. "Why are you wearing your uniform on your day off?" I asked, curious.
He chuckled, patting my back. "Got called into work. Something strange is going on. Don't worry, I'll be fine."
I signed, "Be safe, Dad."
“I will, honey. Have fun with Karla, okay.” He smiled and gave me a thumbs-up before heading off. A minute later, a black Chevy pulled up, and I recognized it as Mrs. Becker's car. Karla leaned out the window and waved me over.
I took a deep breath and climbed into the back seat. Besides Karla, there were a few other girls from the choir class—Mandy, Hannah, Emma, Leslie, Fiona, and Brianne. Alyssa was noticeably absent.
Noticing my curious glance, Karla explained, "Alyssa had track practice. She couldn't make it."
I signed, "That's nice."
Brianne turned to Mrs. Becker and asked, "Can we get some McDonald's shakes? Please?"
Mrs. Becker smiled. "Of course, sweetie. Does anyone else want one?"
Everyone nodded eagerly, and Mrs. Becker placed an order for nine shakes. Emma and Leslie wanted vanilla, Brianne wanted the seasonal spice pumpkin flavor, Hannah and Fiona requested strawberry, Karla and Mandy chose chocolate, and Mrs. Becker asked about my preference.
"Mint, please," I said, making a gesture of a mint leaf.
Mrs. Becker smiled. "Mint it is. Anything for my girls."
I felt a warm glow spread through me. Maybe, just maybe, they were starting to like me. I took a long sip of my mint shake, savoring the cool, refreshing taste.
"Chocolate is definitely the best flavor," Mandy declared, taking a sip from her own shake. "Nothing beats the classic."
"Pumpkin spice is where it's at," Brianne interjected, taking a sip of her pumpkin spice shake. "It's got that perfect blend of sweet and spicy. It's like autumn in a bite."
"Are you kidding?" Mandy scoffed. "Chocolate is timeless. It's the ultimate comfort food. Pumpkin spice is just a fad.”
"Oh c'mon! Pumpkin spice is leagues better," Brianne retorted. "It's a limited edition for a reason."
The other girls joined in, each defending their favorite flavor. I snickered at their playful bickering, feeling a sense of warmth despite the earlier tension.
About ten minutes later, Mrs. Becker pulled into the parking lot of a magenta-colored building. The girls piled out of the car, and I followed them inside, curious about our destination. Mrs. Becker turned to Brianne and said, "I'll pick you girls up at 8 pm sharp. I need to head home and take care of your little sister."
Brianne gave her mom a quick hug and yelled out, "Okay! Love you, mom!" Then she joined the choir group, whispering something in Karla's ear that made her smile in an unsettling way.
Karla walked over to me and whispered, "Hey, Lily, I want to take you to our hiding spot. It's been a while since we hung out there."
I brightened at the idea, signing, "I've missed that place. We used to act like it was our studio booth."
“Uh-huh,” Karla led me to an abandoned janitor's closet that was blocked off with a "Do Not Enter" sign. She opened the door, and I slid inside, feeling a rush of nostalgia. I slid inside the small, dimly lit closet and sat criss-cross on the floor, my heart racing with anticipation. Karla joined me, and for a moment, we just sat there, our knees touching, the silence comfortable between us.
"I've missed you, Lily," Karla signed, her expression softening.
"I've missed you too," I signed back, my heart warming at the sentiment. "It feels like it's been ages since we really talked." I looked down, my smile fading slightly. "I've missed the old Karla. The one who was always on my side, no matter what."
Karla furrowed her eyebrows, her face a mask of confusion. "What do you mean? I haven't changed, Lily. I've just matured."
I scoffed, shaking my head. "Matured? Making fun of someone less popular than you isn't mature, Karla. It's just mean spirited."
Her eyes widened at my words, and I could see the hurt flash across her face. "I haven't been making fun of you, Lily. I—"
"Yes, you have," I interrupted, my anger bubbling to the surface. "I know exactly what you and your new friends have been trying to do. You've been pretending I don't exist, like I'm not even worth acknowledging.”
Karla's face contorted with frustration. "That's not true, Lily! You always have to make everything about your disability. If anyone's changed, it's you. You used to be so happy, always laughing and joking around. Now, you just cry and complain when things don't go your way."
I signed angrily, my hands moving frantically. "How can you say that, Karla? I don't mind if you want to be more popular, but you're acting like you don't even know me. You're trying to pretend we're not friends."
Her eyes filled with tears, and her voice shook. "Maybe I don't want to be friends with you anymore, Lily. Maybe you're too held up in the past, too stuck in your own little world. You're a sad, pathetic sap, and I—"
Before she could finish her sentence, I punched her squarely in the face. The force of the blow knocked her back, and she stumbled, her hand flying to her nose.
"I wish I'd never met you, Karla!" I angrily figured my fingers around, my breathing being audible in the small space. "I wish you'd never been my friend! I wouldn't care if you dropped dead right now!"
Karla's eyes widened in shock, and tears began to stream down her face. Without another word, she turned and ran out of the janitor's closet, leaving me alone in the dimly lit space. I trembled as I crouched down in the corner, my heart pounding in my chest. I had never hit anyone before, and now I wished I could take it back. It was rather immature of me to end that way with Karla. Especially when this was the last memory I had of her alive.
Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream pierced the silence, freezing me in place. It was Karla. My eyes widened in horror as I realized what I had done. I rose to my feet and ran out of the closet, my heart pounding in my chest. As I turned the corner, I came face to face with a masked man. He was tall and imposing, his mask was painted like a 1940s woman with green eyeshadow, vibrant red blush, and blood-red lips. His copper-blonde wig fell in sleek waves, contrasting with his all-black suit.
The man walked slowly towards me, his gloved hand reaching out. I kicked him in the abdomen, my fear fueling my strength. But he was too strong. He grabbed me by the waist, his gloved finger pressing against my lips.
"My little flower, I am so happy to see you." he whispered, his voice deep and gravelly.
Before I could scream or struggle, he covered my mouth with a rag. It took a while for the chloroform to finally take effect, as I remembered my last thoughts were about Karla. Sometimes I wished this encounter was just an elaborate prank played by Brianne. However it is never the case.
When I woke up, I woke up to the sound of a girl's voice, soft and melodic. My eyes felt heavy, my body sluggish as I tried to lift my head. The singing was familiar, reminding me of Karla. My heart stirred at the memory of my friend, and I tried to shake off the grogginess that clouded my mind.
As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I realized I was restrained to a bed, my wrists and ankles bound. Panic surged through me, and I struggled against my bonds, my heart racing.
The singing continued, and I finally located the source—a television mounted on the wall across the room. My eyes widened as I recognized the singer. It was Karla, her face bruised and beaten, her eyes closed as she sang "Once Upon a December" from the animated movie "Anastasia." Her voice was shaky but serene, and tears pricked my eyes as I watched her performance.
I opened my mouth to scream, but only a weakened screech escaped my throat. I tugged at my restraints, desperation fueling my strength. I had to get out of here. I had to help Karla.
Catching me off guard, the door swung open, and the masked man from my encounter at the janitor's closet stepped into the room. My heart sank at the sight of him, and I shrunk back against the bed, my breath coming in short gasps.
He carried a plate of applesauce, his gloved hands setting it down on a table by the bed. "Good morning, my little flower," he said, his voice deep and distorted by the mask. "Your friend has a lovely voice," he remarked. "Have you ever wanted to sing like that?”
I shook my head, my eyes never leaving his face. I mouthed the words, "Let her go.”
The Masked Man smiled sadly. "Your friend has been let go. Don't worry, she's no longer suffering.”
I wanted to scream, to demand that he release me, but my voice failed me. The masked man approached the bed, his eyes cold and unfeeling. He picked up the spoon and dipped it into the applesauce, then brought it to my mouth.
"Open up, sweetie," he cooed. "You need to keep up your strength."
I turned my head away, my body rigid with fear. I didn't want his help, I didn't want anything to do with him.
"Now, now, none of that," he chided, his gloved hand gently tilting my chin back towards him. "You need to eat. And one day, my little flower, you will sing too. And it will be the most beautiful voice anyone has ever heard."
Tears slipped down my cheeks as he forced the spoon into my mouth, the applesauce tasting bitter on my tongue. I choked down the food, my throat constricting with fear and anger.
The masked man set the plate down and pulled me into a tight embrace, his gloved hands stroking my hair. "Shh, my little flower. Everything will be alright. I'm here to take care of you."
I sobbed into his chest, my body shaking with grief and terror. I had no idea where I was, no concept of how much time had passed since I had been taken. All I knew was that Karla was in danger, and I was powerless to help her. The masked man held me until my sobs subsided, then gently laid me back down on the bed. "Rest now. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow."
With that, he turned and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I closed my eyes, my mind reeling. The next time I woke, it was to the sound of my mother's sobs. I blinked groggily, my vision blurry as I tried to focus. I was in a hospital room, my mother sitting by my bedside, her face wet with tears. Matt and Brandon, my closest friends, were also there, their faces etched with concern.
"Mom?" I raised one of my hands, my fingers weak and stiff.
My mother's head snapped up, and she rushed to my side, her hands grasping mine. "Lily, oh, Lily, you're awake!" She smiled through her tears, her voice shaking. "I thought I'd lost you.”
I placed my palm to touch her cheek, my throat too dry to speak. Matt and Brandon stood by silently, their eyes filled with relief.
I then asked the big question, signing, "What... happened?"
Matt nervously stuttered, "We... We found you inside an old shed near the skating rink. You were... you were unconscious, and we called for help right away."
Brandon added, "Before that, you were missing for roughly 33 hours. We searched everywhere for you.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, unable to meet my gaze.
"You're safe now, Lily," my mother said, stroking my hair. "That's all that matters. There's nothing to worry about anymore."
I shook my head, my eyes flying open. Where was Karla? I signed, "Where's Karla?”
My mother's face crumpled, and fresh tears slid down her cheeks. "She's... she's still missing, Lily. We don't know where she is."
I closed my eyes, the weight of my guilt crushing me. If I hadn't fought with Karla, none of this would have happened. It was my fault she was still out there, alone and in danger.
The days turned into weeks, and Karla remained missing. The police conducted an extensive search, but there were no leads, no clues as to her whereabouts. I blamed myself, replaying the events of that fateful day over and over in my mind.
Three weeks after my rescue, the news channel delivered a devastating blow. Karla Reyes, aged 15, had been found dead, her body buried near the Yellow Rock River. She had suffered multiple bone fractures, and the unsettling detail—she had been missing her vocal cords and larynx.
I recalled the day vividly, the sun shining brightly through my hospital window as the news anchor delivered the grim update. I had broken down, sobbing uncontrollably, the reality of what had happened hitting me like a ton of bricks. I remember wanting to just die, to pay for what I have done. If I hadn't had my friends Matt and Brandon, I wouldn't have been alive writing this. And yet, I never told anyone about The Masked Man or what had transpired that day—until now. Sometimes I wonder if Karla could hear my prayers, wishing that she deserved better than this, and I'm sorry for causing her death. I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I needed to say next.
Karla Reyes may have been the first victim, but she certainly wasn't the last. There were 7 more Choirs Girls left.

Over the last year I (20F) have been really explosive to my parents, everytime they reprehend me I can't help but yell, cry and have some sort of nervous mental breakdown. I always feel they are angry at me and I think my attitude is cause of always feeling defensive?
I have been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder (I never heard of this before but apparently is like anxiety and depression?) but my mom does not believe my psychiatrist nor my diagnosis at all. I am taking 1 1/2 pills of citalopram everyday but a few weeks ago she wanted me to stop 'just to see if the pills are making something'. I have returned to them around a week ago but now I don't feel their subtle effect they had before. Today my mom sent me to the neurologist to see if I had something going on but when I told the doctor about this abrupt emotions changes and some trouble I have concentrating recently he didn't really say anything about it.
I have never fought with any of my friends in my whole life and I have never exploded with anyone else except them. This gets me to the point than even hearing my parents talk it makes me so stressed.
I really do not know what to do to stop this, I don't really enjoy always being in a fight. I feel so desperate like I'm gonna go crazy or the feeling like I'm sinking down in a hole with no bottom.

Avocado 🥑 “Specially large hass mexican” or american , While African Avocado has no effect on me
There is no food boost my brain like it … prob this then dark chocolate… everything else is way way lower …
If I eat in the morning with EV olive oil and boiled eggs ;
I am Filled with excitement , positivity, joy, feeling of well being , and being motivated, I feel a live “and its very noticeable feeling” , everything becomes more interesting than its
No other food gave me this effect and my diet is 90-95% healthy !!
Why ?? 🤔
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If I eat Avocado with those after 16 hours fasting , I feel high as f ;

• Olives
• 4, or 5 Boiled eggs
• 2 tbsp EV olive oil
• Boiled and Roasted chicken breast
• Salad
• little of Pumpkin seeds
• Pecan Nutts
• Carlson omega 3 oil The very Finest 5-8ml “Beginning of the meal”

I feel alive and feel optimistic, positive and extremely happy and its a rush of happiness with huge smiles 😄 that comes into waves , one after the other after the other … without any stop at all !!
Imagine you have huge smiles like maybe 30 times in a row or above , and every 3-6 seconds or so, one pops out its like into waves with pure happiness every time !! And every smile its huge and euphoric like you never had ever the same smile before in your entire life !! And it feels so good !!
I never had this in my life !!
I remembered I smile for 25-30 min straight while I try to resist not to smile but I couldn’t take my huge smile away 😀… I tried my best to stop but I couldn’t !!
Its not you that I want to smile … its like your brain 🧠 is making and forcing you to have a huge smile and feel very euphoric and happy. 😀
Because these are two completely different things !!
And it’s like you don’t really have any control at all whether to smile or not !!
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So Food gave me happiness, joy with smile that lasted for 30 min !! That probably nothing in my life gave me this is really shocking to me
Even substances like Wxxx, alcxxxx , nicotine, Caffiene didn’t give me a that level of happiness that meal gave me that day … !!
I am really impressed and shocked as well … !! 😅
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With good sleep, The day is tremendously better than my normal day for my mood … and I love it ❤️ With those things !!
Cold shower , Coffee , Dark Chocolates 88-92% , avocado , banana, pumpkin seeds , beef or steak , eggs , olives oil, green leafy and vegetable salad, jogging or Running. Omega 3 oil and vitamin D3 supplements
The best days I felt in this year was a combination of those to be in my day !!
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First Question:
So why it does have this effect on me ?! And what are neurotransmitters are more likely involved in this one ?!
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Second Question ;
Does avocado have vitamins and micro nutrients that I am more likely deficient in … and is that the reason I am feeling the effect more so or not ?! Or are these effect happening to everyone when they eat avocado 🥑 ?!
Because if that is the case I will try to use supplement or focus more on getting it from my diet ?!
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