This holiday marks 3 years since you walked out of our apartment and out of my life after the better part of a decade of us being all but married. When we first got together, you told me you were the kind of guy that couldn't sleep with a woman unless you had a strong emotional connection with her. It was true back then and it was one of the things I loved and respected most about you, as never once in those years did I have to worry about you being disloyal. You were a good man, a good boyfriend, a good brother, and a good son and, for as much as we argued, I was so proud to call you mine.
Over the years, you leaned away and into the manosphere, began parroting soundbites from "alpha" talking heads, grew a disdain for women and began to believe that women's place is beneath that of men's. I spent a long time wondering if it was because you and I argued so much and if I could've done more to prevent you from becoming what you are now.
It's only been a little over 3 months since we tried to date again. In that month of dating, you told me of how high a standard I set for the women that followed - all 11 of them, you made sure to tell me - and stressed how none of them could come close to me, and how you felt you were almost entirely responsible for things falling apart between us - all words that were a shock coming from you.
After hearing such a number of women in so short a timespan, I asked what happened to being connected before sex, and you said that's how you used to be, that now, you understand what it is to be a man and that men have no issue separating sex from emotion. I didn't believe you, and as the truth bled out over time, it became obvious that you'd gotten your feelings jumbled and left pieces of your heart with at least a few of these women.
For a brief time before that, I thought you'd missed me as much as I'd missed you since you said things that the man who walked out on me would've sooner died than ever admit. Because I could see that bit of growth in you, despite your haughty attitude, I wanted to believe you. You were begging me for marriage and a child, lamenting how you were tired of dating women who consistently disappointed and how you just wanted to settle down with a good woman and start a family. It was a pitiful plea, but I still loved you. So, I told you if you were serious, we could work towards rebuilding trust and see what happened from there.
That was my first mistake. My second was not listening when you initially told me that you'd become a worse person.
Since you were so dead-set on marriage and children as fast as possible, rushing to plan every detail of your timeline with a vigor you'd never once shown in the years we spent together, I wanted to make it work, wanted to believe that there was still good in you reaching out to the good in me. So, I indulged the fantasy, hoping this was your way of making up for lost time.
But a fantasy is all it was.
You initially told me you were single only to later admit, after I had to ask upon seeing her things in your bathroom, that you were juggling me with other women. You told me how you manipulated "pick-me"s to get what you want from them, got mad when I told you I had no intention of competing with them for you, and when called out on these awful actions and opinions, you just said, "I told you I don't think I'm a good person anymore," as if it were some sort of get-out-of-jail-free-card.
To your credit, you ended things with her when I threatened to remove myself from your fantasy future and you never tried for anything more than a goodbye hug with me during the entirety of this attempt at dating so your conscience, or maybe guilt, was present in some capacity, at least.
I asked you why you've chosen to knowingly become a worse person and all you could say was that you didn't feel respected back then, that you didn't know how to be a man, and that you do now and how being a good person as a man just gets you walked all over. I told you I knew this tough-guy alpha business was just a facade. You admitted it was a mask but said that you wear it so often that it's basically glued to your face, now.
What you couldn't answer was why you deserve a good woman like me if you, yourself, aren't a good man. Regardless, you're convinced that you're some magnanimous prize to be won, yet don't see the reality of how you've only reduced yourself to a fuckboy that dangles the carrot of family, marriage, and stability in front of unsuspecting women to your own selfish ends, hoping they'll fight and compete for a love you have no intention of giving, seeing as that's "pick-me" behavior to you.
I should've thrown you away a dozen times over but I didn't because, just like in the past, I could see the confused and hurt boy in you crying out when you lamented how your family no longer enjoys having you around and how thrilled you thought they'd be if we got back together - how you want to be close-knit with them again, like things were when I was still in the picture.
The funny thing is, when they found out we were seeing each other again, they weren't thrilled, instead they stressed for me to be cautious and take things slow because they know what you've become and how you treat women now.
Your family is full of good people that tell me how they love me far more than they like you. They find your opinions deplorable and dislike how quick you are to ruin special occasions to fight them over said opinions. In all honesty, my heart broke for you a little when I heard that you weren't included in the Mother's Day plans while I was.
You said you wanted to regain the gravitas that being established with me and being the dutiful son and brother gave you back then, but you forget how you only showed the worsening side of yourself to me at the time. I kept it from them, but it was you who showed the full truth of your beliefs to them after you left. It was you who lost your family's respect and threw away the close bonds you had with them.
Despite all this, I stubbornly stuck this attempt at reconciliation out after our second-to-last date where the mask slipped and you unintentionally showed me, without a doubt, that there was still a deep well of love and affection for me in you. I think it scared you to realize, too, that your gruff exterior was cracking and that you were softening to me.
For our next date, you came to my place for the first time and saw everything from the life you left behind. I know it rushed you with emotions you weren't prepared to handle, so I figured you'd need time to sort out your feelings, but didn't expect you to end things then and there.
In that final discussion, you repeated that I'm your ideal woman in every way, but that you can't continue with us because you were afraid of stepping back into our old life and becoming the person you were when we were together. That you didn't like that version of yourself - the version of you that at one point-in-time was a far better person, better son, better brother, better boyfriend, and better man.
So here, 3 years later, and 3 months later, I've come to accept that I will never not love you, no matter how awful you become. No matter how many times I move on, in every timeline, every universe, every reincarnation, I will always miss you, love you, and genuinely want the best for you.
These things will never change, but one thing has: the beaming pride I once felt for you has turned to solemn pity.

I'm struggling. My flair says reconciling, but it's on a low arc and approaching failure. Or maybe it's still false. I don't know.
Married 19 years, together for 25; two teenage children with severe emotional problems coming out of the pandemic.
D-Day was 16 months ago, the night before Thanksgiving. AP was literally an alcoholic unemployed late 40-something living in his mom's basement. They had met at a funeral she hadn't bothered to ask me to go because I wasn't leaving the bed in those days and I'd have said no. The night I discovered his clingy, mooning texts lamenting their inability to spend the holiday together, my life - already a terrible, depressive, lonely black hole of a mess and following the sudden, unnecessary death of a parent on Christmas Day - just imploded.
Upon confrontation after Thanksgiving dinner, the response was the worst in all ways possible. WW was high on limerence, and was fiercely unapologetic. She didn't want to separate but demanded an open marriage. She 'deserved to be happy', and felt good about her having told this unplanned encounter that went from EA to PA in 72 hours that she'd never leave me.
She had eschewed having intimacy for years before this. We had been poor to each other over the years, but I fell off a cliff after our kids faded from the world and my parent died. She was legit shocked and belligerent when I refused, and said that if you pursue this I will have to leave.
We made some temporary agreements (ones she did not keep), and started seeing a counselor. I started IC for the first time in my middle-aged life. We were however 'not aligned', as she'd say. She didnt want to give up her boyfriend, and I refused to stay if he was in the picture. I cringe to think back to how I said, 'you can maintain a friendship if you absolutely must but you must reinvest back into working on our relationship'.
This was a no-go for her for a while. She'd meet him. He'd sleep in her place of business. SHe lent him our car. (He crashed it while drunk, btw.) There was a moment when I had the kids in Puerto Rico, and she returned early for a funeral, and she went to the funeral with him and probably had sex after. Meanwhile I was stuck in an airport, trying to get home after a cancelled flight and just threw lots of money at the problem to curtail the time she had with him. She had in the three month relationship began introducing him to family friends, people who knew me.
With someone living a state away, she somehow managed to squeeze in more sex in 3 months than we'd had together in 10 years. In my mind, she was working on replacing me with AP but didn't want to separate for the sake of our kids.
Come January, she claimed to have decided to break things off. I didn't really believe her. I made a surprise visit to her place of business on a weekend, and found him there asleep on the couch with no pants on.
We had words, and despite being beside myself with rage and grief I was able to take his measure. In many ways, I wish I had met him right after D-Day. It was clear he was a narcissistic dumpster fire with pretensions of intellectuality. There were signs of some bipolar behavior. He made clear his intentions was to stay, and to convince WW to leave me. And he still had our car, and keys to her business site. (We live in a large city and don't need multiple vehicles, or even the one car if I'm honest.)
She realized where I was going due to my phone location and ran after me, but got there after I had 15 minutes with the joker. She asked him to leave, but still let him keep our car. She had no words, which has been a theme throughout our marriage. She can't easily access her feelings or articulate them, and she's afraid to express them for fear of my response. I told her after having met him, noted his instability and his intentions, i said I can no longer accept any contact between them. She reluctantly agreed.
From mid-January through to August followed a sequence of false representation of wanting to work on reconciliation and cycles of lying about not having contact. She was in love with him, she claimed, but seemed to go cold turkey overnight. She neither engaged with me nor took steps to reconcile, but claimed how difficult it was and that she was working on our relationship.
We quit the MC we started to see. We eventually found another several months later. We're still with the 2nd MC. In the meantime began a kind of surreal hellscape life for me, as she would say the barest of minimum things, and usually nothing at all about where she was, how she felt, and what was she willing to do to rebuild our relationship. She took no steps to reassure me, or show she wants me. She would say she did, but simultaneously be cold, distant, and - as i soon discovered - was still in contact with AP.
He gave her a burner phone. I found it within 2 days and threw the brand new phone into the river. Cheaters really need to not let unknown devices onto the home wifi networks of the technically literate. We had it out again, she promised to really try. A few weeks later I found unusual call patterns in our cell account. AP had provisioned a new phone number. Following that blow up was the WhatsApp phase, which really began to take the wind out of my sails.
She expressed no remorse. She was resentful of my 'intrusions into her privacy'. She genuinely thought it would be comforting to hear that the affair had nothing to do with me. She would be visibly annoyed when I asked for confirmations there had been no new contact - and even more so when in retrospect when there had been.
There were at least five discrete cycles of deception. AP escalated by getting five phone numbers and cycling through them. Towards the end, she had hid these numbers as secondary numbers of people they knew in common but didn't regularly have contact with. AP would write texts from the perspective of different personae.
Then there were the people who knew, and of those there were people who fully supported her behavior. There were people who aided and abetted it, lending her their apartments, or hoping she finds some comfort. One particularly egregious one, early on, tried to convince Amanda to really try to convince me to find someone else to be happy in an open arrangement. She's still in regular contact with this person.
The culmination of the PA/EA with the AP happened last summer. He eventually returned the car, but only after he had reclaimed it from the police impound lot. He did not pay for the repairs. Or his tolls when coming to and fro to fuck my WW. I did.
I had been fairly successful in identifying his phone numbers and having them blocked at the carrier level with some gaps in time, and diverting his email and voicemail. During ths period where all his means of contact were being closed soon after being opened, he was starting to rage and unstable. WW upon the latest confrontation (i was pretty calm and matter of fact about it) admitted she could not control her behavior, and didn't understand why she was doing it.
AP was a controlling person, with hints of WW's clinically narcissist parent. He wrote a letter and entered her business after hours to leave it. Because he wrote an email saying he was doing this, I ill-advisedly went there to call the police on him. I didn't find him, but I did find the letter. He knew I had been there - either he had been outside or he went back after I left - and complained bitterly about my interference.
His only means of influence had dropped to emails, and he just kept pounding with the short, imperative statements that described outcomes favorable to him. He had started to convince her that I was a threat to her, and trying to convince her I was a threat to our children (for whom I'd die in fire every day).
His tactical error was trying to play up his inability to contact her as a screen for concern. He tried to get the cops to perform a wellness check. He called WW's sister to convince her I was a threat, and that WW was in danger. (She told him off.)
Finally, he threatened to show up at our door with friends and 'free' her. I knew he owned a shotgun; while I didn't actually think he would show up (he had made smaller-scale threats of this kind before and I only realized they had happened days after his 'deadlines'.) I shared this new development with WW. We had agreed to handle it together. However, while I was out one day, she went to her sister's and called him to tell him she was fine but to never call or contact anyone in our family again. It was a muted, brief exchange. I was angry she hadn't stuck to our agreement.
Since then, he's only made a handful of contact attempts soon after the break that really were more for insulting me. I believe on an intellectual level they have had no contact since last summer. I emotionally continue to not feel safe about her intentions.
Since then, it's been difficult. There have been very limited conversation coming from her outside of the MC sessions, and those have trended light on her content. Very recently, she's expressed more. But it's still seemingly grounded in some unhealthy premises. Amongst them:

1. She at one pointed expressed she regretted the pain she caused, but doesn't regret the experience because (I kid you not) 'she learned so much about herself' and 'many positive elements have come out of it'. (I lost 50 pounds in the first three months post-Dday, and lately I've been hovering around 70. I did have it to lose, having used food to soothe myself over the decade of gaslighting and lack of explanation for her disengagement, and unwillingness to work on it.)
2. She continues to resent my intrusion into her phone call history. She disagrees with the oft-raised best practice of open-phone/account policies. Her feelings around her lack of privacy unsettle her, and get in the way of engaging (she says).
3. she doesn't see the value in 'forcing closeness'
4. she keeps wanting me to 'ratchet it down a notch', but it's not clear what she thinks that means
5. she finds my sadness and pain to be an impediment to rebuilding closeness
6. She claims to have read content about rebuilding marriages after infidelity, but to my knowledge she's done hardly anything to rebuild trust. I said it'd be better if you hadn't read it, because to think that you're walking around having read it but still don't do anything feels worse.
7. She has not taken lead in the reconciliation process, or really done much except endure my periodic/every-2-weeks or so expressions of disappointment and hurt and anger

I'm sure no one has read this far. This is my dilemma. What I'm trying to do here is leave no stone unturned in my efforts to save our marriage. I want to sleep well at night, and I won't be able to do that in a healthy way without going through this.
Yesterday wa the first time she said that he was responsible for destroying my world and my brain, several times over, with the elaborate deceptions (as I'm prone to describing it). I welcomed it and thanked her. But it was only precipitated by a conflict we were having about a mistake I made, where I rubbed her face in my phone snooping by adding unflattering profile pictures to the blocked contacts for the AP. (If they're not there, he could still call her and leave a voicemail when she's on wifi.)
She has had low to middling chronic health issues since April of last year, following her second round with COVID. And if it's not her, it's her parents. Or my surviving parent. Or my brother almost dying. Or the DOL is threatening to reclassify all her contractors as employees. (They should.) Everything just magically seemed to be prioritized over her talking to me.
It's literally, literally been something every other week. She's always tired, always in pain, and I really try hard to stay empathic about it. To hold a space for her. I have taken care of her when she's ill all throughout this horrible time. And she's really appreciative of how well I've supported and cared for her with no promise or signs of reciprocation.
But she still won't have sex with me, and wont talk to me about why she flinches sometimes when I touch her. Or worse, she fakes interest and then I find out otherwise later. Clearly, we have trauma to work through from before the affair. She's not intentionally being cruel. I've expressed remorse over what little she has hinted at, and want to make amends. I love her so much. It's always been my intent to die married to her, and hold our family together.
But it's getting harder to hold onto that empathy. I'm just so tired of feeling hurt, of not having my needs met, and feeling so deeply disrespected in this low-contrition (but maybe trending up) context we're living through.
She seems to evoke a sense in me that everytime I am hurt or express anger, her willingness or energy resets to near zero. Which in and of itself is newly infuriating!
My dilemma is that part of my tenacity in this ridiculous situation that saints would have left three times over already is tied to the idea that by sticking with it and not making it 'easier' for her I'm upholding my self-respect.
But am i? Am I just punishing her by saying I can't let go of my pain until she demonstrates remorse and effort? Being married, a husband and a father of simple small family is a big part of my identity.
It all went to shit a long time ago, but I never checked out. I just didn't understand what was happening, how a wife could treat their partner this way, and I didn't have the maturity or the emotional language to navigate it alone. So I grew resentful and depressed, and just low-level angry all the time. While she would just smile, and say nothing. In public, she'd be affectionate.
In private, it'd be back turned and motionless to my hunger for connection (and release). I turned inward. She, a very social, community-building gem of a human being, checked out and switched to Potemkin mode whenever anyone was looking. I felt like I was constantly being gaslit. Even when I tried to talk about our problems, she'd act as if I had said nothing at all. It was the damnest thing, and I had no words for it.
Maybe she's starting to see the light and be empathic to my pain. But, if that's what's happening, I'm just running out of steam and hope. Hope isn't necessary for me to stay the course, but motivation is beginning to lag.
Any advice?

Hello everyone. You can find the rest of the story on my previous post.
My husband is doing better and our relationship is slowly getting back to what it was. I know it will take a lot of time to repair the damage I caused, but I am willing to give him all the time he wants and do anything he asks out of me.
The bitter irony of this whole story is that he told me he had been thinking about reaching out to his mother, but on his terms and time. By going behind his back I almost destroyed that chance of reconciliation and imploded our marriage. I am working on myself and will start seeing a therapist next month so I never do something like that ever again and more importantly, never betray his trust ever again. Also, with my husband's knowledge and consent, I apologized to MIL for leading her on with false promises and she has forgiven me.
As for him and MIL, they started talking to each other, have met a couple of times in public and yesterday my husband invited her over for dinner so that in his words we all can try to start over properly. She's a very sweet woman and she's eager to reconcile with him and get to know me. My husband said that for now he wants for all of us to get a bit used to each other, then he and MIL will get to work on their traumas (his words).
He says she's not the "villain" in what happened, but he needs to come to terms with her poor decisions and his own feelings of guilt for her losing her baby. MIL on the other hand is very apologetic and extremely sorry about what happened (in my husband's opinion, sincerely so) and doesn't blame him at all for the miscarriage.
As for me, I just sit aside and do my best to rebuild the trust with my husband and become a better and safe partner. He started being affectionate with me again and we are no longer on thin ice, but I can't stop thinking I almost lost him because I thought I knew better than him.

Whether it's getting ducks in a row or attempts at reconciliation.
I'm on the verge of declaring it over but I'm 6.5 months pregnant on bed rest with mild preeclampsia with a 5 year old and 7 year old hoping my short term disability gets approved.
We've been married 12 years. Our finances are completely combined. He is not physically or financially abusive.
I cannot have any kind of "discussion" or argument with him without him reasoning me in circles and goal post shifting till I give up and he "wins" so I haven't bothered with talking about the issues in our marriage.
I've been using this profile to post some things I need to get off my chest.
Are there any remote counseling services that people have used either individually or as a couple(for reconciliation or to get thru a divorce). I'm our only childcare. Family all live over an hour away.

When I found this forum about a month ago I was reading the back posts and weeping the whole time.
Background:
I have processed this in therapy, made my peace, and have empathy for the situations that made her who she is.
I don't want to cause her harm, and fortunately I am really bad at relationships, and do not have children. Because it would be very painful if she had grandchildren that she has no access to. My sister and BIL can't have kids. (Details omitted for TW)
I work in the MH field, I'm an Nurse Practitioner. I worked as part of a DBT team. I am not DBT trained or certified but I got really good at boundaries, and sensing manipulation, without having an emotional response.
Before I went NC I would directly and clearly set limits. I stopped her when she would try to split my Sister and I, or gossip about her. There were several times every visit where I would stop her, and explain how I would not engage, did not want to hear, or set a reasonable expectation. Her reply a few times was "Don't analyze me."
Which is amusing because after the last estrangement, I asked her to go to therapy.... never happened.
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Current Situation:
My Mother visited my Uncle who is dying of cancer and has by his estimation about 2 months to live.
My Mother sent me a text that I should visit him that she was down there and he does not have much time to live. I forgot I hadn't blocked her number on the new phone.
I have been NC for 9 years other then sending her a 9th Step (AA) letter. I intend to be NC for the rest of her life or mine whichever ends first.
I asked if she was present in the room. She left the morning of him calling me. I said I appreciated him not doing "One of those Ophra type interventions" as it's usually destructive.
I asked about visiting. Everyone has been invited down but me. He says he would like a visit.
He wants me "As a personal favor" to reconcile with her. I should mention he's a retired corporate attorney. Yes it's not amateur hour on either side of the phone. He said she was "Distraught that I would not talk with her."
I said let's address the second item, as you may not want me to visit depending on how I answer.
I would prefer having this conversation in person and to not have this conversation on a 2 sided Cell phone call either.
I said "no."
He pushed back and said this was not normal. I explained how it's more common then you would think both from people I know and also from being in clinical practice for almost 20 years.
He said "I can hear it in your voice that you want to reconcile." (Defining my feelings) I said I am speaking to you in the same tone I use with my patients.
I said that I will not be interacting with her for the rest of our lives. That this was a carefully made and considered decision.
I said we can discuss my reasons if you would like.
He said that was not his concern that it was between my Mother and I.
My mind formulates, "So no matter what happened, there is no reason that would cause you to find estrangement acceptable." Secondly you are implicating that I am being unreasonable, or worse yet cruel.
This goes in circles.
He bounces off a few boundaries, answer stays the same.
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I figure I am going to let him know some of the situation. Because he's dying and I don't want him to think I am just being unreasonable and stubborn.
I then explain a little of how our childhood was. The abuse that my mother and I got. I also said I suspect my sister getting other abuse. Left that one hanging out there... Remember this is what I do for a living so that should have significant weight.
The things I did that I regret, and have made amends, as well as going to therapy, stopped drinking, worked the steps, and so forth.
I mentioned my sister goes to Trauma therapy, partially because of me.
Which also puts out there "Has your Sister ever had any therapy for all the stuff she has been through?"
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He says "I can hear you are angry at your mother.." (defining feelings again) "
"Help me understand why do you feel that way."
"Based on what you said (above)" I said back, I am not angry at her. I have accepted and made my peace with this situation. I only listed my part in it, and what I have done to become a better person."
Which floats the unsaid question "What is her part in this?"
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I said the offer is on the table to talk about this, or not talk about it. That is up to him. If you do want to have this conversation then it needs to be scheduled so I can have my notes.
The offer of a visit is "We shall see, and depends on how I am doing, check back in a week." I know the answer already. I also explained if I visit I will be getting a hotel room and a rental car, and that it's probably better if we do 2-3 hour visits so I don't tire him out.
The unsaid part is I want to be able to leave if I need to immediately, I want to be able to go to daily AA meetings, I want my own space process this coming loss. I
wrote a poem about this situation and read it in at my AA homegroup (The meeting you go to most and help keep it going.) I haven't written a poem since HS writing class. I've been weepy about the whole situation on and off.
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I have a letter penned to my cousins, who I am in contact with explaining that he is a father figure in my life, that this is a very painful situation for me anticipating his passing, and that I apologize for not attending major life events in their lives and their children's lives because of this estrangement. That I won't be attending his service because it's the place for my Mother to mourn her last living sibling.
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Conclusion:

1. That firstly he feels that there is nothing that would justify estrangement.
2. That my Mother probably said she has no insight into why I estranged her.
3. Based on #2 I am guessing that she has had no therapy. A good therapist would turn that around and use certain questions to help her develop insight.
4. That he feels I am angry and I want to reconcile.
5. Defining my feelings is a huge red flag for me.
6. I bet he didn't expect me to be calm, collected and give a rational and consistent dialogue.
7. Having to hear about his Sister's home life probably hurts. The fact that he probably had no clue until my father passed, he has a lot of guilt.
8. He's formally trained and skilled in negotiation tactics.
9. He's dying so he has a huge ability to guilt me.
10. I gave him the option to understand, that I would visit if asked, that I would limit exposure, and that we did not have to address this, or we can look at photos and tell stories, etc. What is not on the table is reconciliation with my Mother.

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(It got too long, sorry, but I needed to explain) I (27F) met this INTJ online (28M) and we talked for about 3 months. Our messages were really deep and we exchanged and shared many values and it felt like we developed a deep connection and shared many views or future visions (marriage, kids etc).. we became closer until we almost every day alept on the phone (he is from another country). He said so many seeet things which even surprised me and I'm a bit shy in the beginning to say such things. But he made me thaw and open up more and more until we both became kinda lovey dovey like a couple. (But wanted to wait till we meet) I wanted to go to his country again anyway, but he gave me another reason to look forward to it a lot. It seemed so obvious that we will start a relationship after meeting that we even searched for Airbnbs together (like for 2 people).
So I went there, he was picking me up from the airport with flowers. But within the first days of my 1,5 month stay he told me he thinks he can't have a relationship now.
Now about all the more confusing things (only the things he did): - He said he started to worry earlier, so not just suddenly. But to me he kept the lovey dovey behaviour up till we met. He even kissed me the first weekend we stayed together. And he cried in my arms while talking about the not being together. - He still spent my whole stay together with me everyday, even though he had to come late after work. He cared so much for me, always asked me if I'm hungry and brought food etc. or cooked for me - Everyday before and after his work we hugged each other and wished us a good day - He told his mom and brother about me during my stay, how kind I am etc and told me his mom said she wants to meet me (why would he mention that though?) - Even though he mentioned one worry is money and time he invited me to eat out a lot and always insisted to pay except for the times I managed to give my card earlier. Even though I told him I don't care about money or his job. We all started somewhere. And I care about him as a person. - I asked for more reasons and he said there are so many worries, more about himself and that he can't tell me everything - He mentioned that I have so many "perfect girlfriend" attributes and something a man would want and wife material, but maybe some men could also think they are not good enough (maybe he also thought that?) - I told him that I usually don't like situations like this, like couple behavioubeing close like this without relationship. He agreed but he said that I am different/we are different. And when I mentioned that maybe because of that we shouldn't stay together in one place he looked really sad and in the end we stayed together till the end and I tried my best to maybe lose his fears/make him feel comfortable and enjoy time with him - He has nobody to talk to other than his family and me, because he prefers to be alone and has no friends. so it meant even more to me that he spent so much time and seemed to like me. - He said I'm a gift to him, the biggest one in his life - He told me how precious I am to him - He said he wants to always help me - He called me "cutie" in my language a lot - We practiced our languages together - Towards the end he opened up more and became more and more comfortable with me, he also mentioned then that he doesn't know if he is deserving of a relationship and when I told him that he seems quite confused he admitted that - He also became more "close" Like hugs or cuddling (not more), like initiated by him - Sometimes he said things quite randomly/surprisingly, like when we were outside he one time said that usually when he is alone he feels nothing, but with me he is happy. Later he also said that multiple times again, that with me every moment was happy and he thanked me for that - He said he also feels guilty, but guilt is not a big reason to spend time with me, if he wouldn't like spending time with me, he wouldn't - Till the end I was in his phone as "My home " with a emoji with the hearts around the head - He made me a very expensive gift in the last night before I left (even though he mentioned that his job isn't that great etc), he thought about it from before I went there - he held my hand when we went to the airport - He said I shouldn't worry too much and we will meet again and can still text, call and maybe videocall
All this effort and how he thinks about me, but being so unsure about his feelings confused me so much. I always wondered why would make someone such effort even after rejecting someone and spend so much time? So I believed in his words and I thought he is just confused and very unsure about himself and his life, from what I felt.
After I left the country he wrote things like he wants to go home together and how thankful he is and happy he was etc. We still texted afterwards but I also always kept the hope, even afterwards. He said I can't change his decision easily, but why are his actions so different from his decision? I asked him clearly if we really won't be ever able to be together, because I thought it's easier for me to accept it and move on after a clear statement. But even the response to that was unclear. Because he said something like "For your sake I think it's right to say that this is right. But you also could feel my heart"
I left him a birthday gift before I left, becaus his birthday was upcoming. And he sent me pictures after opening and also longer messages how it's touching and to thank me a lot. And also saying that I am luck to him and etc. It made me happy that the personalised gift seemed to mean a lot to him. But some days later I noticed he texted less and his responds took so long. (for the first time in months) So I asked him if he is OK? And that I thought he maybe wants to not text that much anymore or that there is a problem.. but it made him go into lecture mode, that I shouldn't assume things, because that's not the case etc. So I felt a bit sorry to express my feelings but I also told him that he also can always tell me when he needs space or something and I just try to understand him better. But he also told me he wished I wouldn't try to understand better. In my case I think an effort to understand each other better is needed though for human relationships. He later also apologised in the middle of the night, that he never wanted to hurt me but did now and that he just doesn't want me to hurt alone anymore. And I also thanked him for caring about me (since his lecturing way is also one of his ways of caring and it also helps me).
He also said if he wouldn't want to text with me or value me he wouldn't do this lecturing and just not respond. After that we exchanged a few longer positive/appreciative messages for 2 days and onto my last one he only put a heart reaction and didn't reply anymore. He liked my story when I wrote a poem in his language which was about him (nobody would know) and saying he shouldn't be too hard on himself. He still looks at my story and didn't change the stickers on his profile (which represented us) etc. I wondered if I should reach out, because it's on my mind everyday too much. Since almost 3 weeks now. But I also said and did everything I could during our time. And I also want to give him space to figure himself and his life out because he spent so much time on me before and he seems very confused about what he wants in life.. I still don't think he is someone who just says meaningful things easily..
I feel like it can't be the end like this.. Do you think he would come back by himself after some time?

The death of a person close to us is the most terrible thing one can experience. It can be very disheartening when a relationship you loved suddenly ends, and your partner decides not to accompany you anymore. Your life consists of days of awful memories of the sadness and nostalgia you had that showed love.
If the relationship was lost because of circumstances or your own mistake, despite this know that breakup may not be the story’s last page. There are a lot of Muslim rituals called wazifas that can help to bring back a lost love.
Why Is 'Wazifa for Lost Love Back' So Popular?
Wazifa is a ritual of submission to Allah in the form of communion in Isalam. Wazifas, through the use of Allah’s names or attributes, are recited in a spoken, repeated form. Their power comes from the intensity and the focusing on their performance.
Wazifas is usually carried out for a prolonged duration of time to functionally bring about a certain objective. It is a fact that if recited with a true purpose and a rich belief, a wazifa can achieve the impossible in the areas of life such as love, marriage, career, health, and so on.
Let me know how Wazifa can help you to get your relationship back on track?
Dua or Wazifa for lost love invokes the mercy and compassion of the almighty Allah. They could be that melody that somehow make an estranged love recognize your presence and appreciate your gifts.
The pleas and the powerful reverberations of this ritual penetrate their consciousness, so that they remember the bond that you once shared. If the affairs, arguments or misconstructions were the reasons for the split, a wazifa can remove any negativity.
Rather than making them ache and get angry, it will rekindle their memories and feelings, making them glad to be with you.
Strong wazifa is capable of working on even the most hopeless cases where your ex has already moved on. The rhythm that touches their heart ignites happiness, which makes them remember their deep love and passion for you. Through music, the two of you will be connected for life.
Wazifa For Lost Love Back
Past transgressions or estrangements, in turn, lose all sense of being of no importance because of what they realize about that devotion. The heart begins to shake and the confidence in their current choice fades. What wazifa does is that it makes them realize by using spiritual intentions that they should rather stay and give the marriage another chance instead of leaving you new partner.
Under some circumstances, it can even abort a potential marriage to the opposite person. This is the amazing strength of the continuous and sincere prayer.
For achieving what you want in this particular case of getting back your love, this Wazifa is telling one how to do.
Top 7 Facts About Wazifa for Lost Love Back

1. Carry out the ablution rites and sit with your back towards the Holy Kaaba in Mecca.
2. Mentally recite Durood Shareef (prayers extolling Prophet Muhammad) 11 times.
3. Say the verse, "Ya-Wadudu" (O Affectionate One), or "Ya-Jami" (The Restorer) 1001 times with all of your being, your emotions, and your deep conviction.
4. Imagine you’re sitting there, and your companion walks in cheerfully, with a smile and an even happier heart.
5. Express your thanks to Allah as you finish.
6. Blow three times into a dish of your favorite dessert (any kind) with the intention of infusing your will into it.
7. Eat the sweet food and share it with your family after you have finished the wazifa.

Keep on with this method of daily practice without any stopping or hesitance to achieve the reconciliation you are seeking. Always believe that Allah will do the right thing for you, he will definitely do so and his destined miracles will reflect on your life.
Faith as the Source and Healing Reality
The loss of love can be a very dark experience, but the hope should always shine brightly. Wazifa shows a holly way of mending the ties that have been weakened by the events or our own shortcomings Drive the faith and passion that are the legacy of the days of old into the ceremonial rites that can complete the mission.
Let the pure intention of the holy week be the reason why all the obstacles will be gone as the divine grace of God is the one that will touch your life with a joyful new beginning.
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I’m a month post filing, after discovering my stbeh affair with his co-worker and previous divorce filing (he used it as a coveexcuse to have the affair even though I wasn’t aware). My family knows of the situation and my brother , who’s been married for over 20 years has been fully supportive of me to file for divorce. At one point during the discovery, I was in hopes of reconciliation since we have two small children, own property , and I haven’t been as attentive to my husband’s needs to due taking care of our children/work/aging parents. My brother let me know that he would never want to see my husbands face again due to his disrespect to our family, which I understood, but made the situation a little difficult if the reconciliation fully transpired.
Fast forward a few months later, I had decided to file for divorce due to my husband’s continued lies and deceits , lack of transparency and accountability post affair. My brother was fully supportive of the filing , but has never checked in on me to see how I’ve been during this process. Today, out of all days, I was hoping to hear from him on Mother’s Day but did not receive a text. I’m his only sibling and the only Uncle to my children , so it has gutted me that there hasn’t been any support.
The irony I say in this is that my Mom , almost 17 years ago, saw an old childhood friend of hers that is a psychic. She told my mom that my brother’s wife would divorce him soon and leave him, and that her daughter (me) would marry and have a beautiful life. She said other things (which actually came true) with the exception of my brother’s marriage and mine.
I feel jealous, because my life as well as my children’s has forever changed. I’ll always remember who was with me and my children during this difficult time.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAWifePics2 posting in relationship_advice
Ongoing as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 1st May 2024
Update - 3rd May 2024
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1 New Update
Final Update - 11th May 2024
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Caught My(35m) wife(34) sending pics to BIL(40m) is our marriage is salvageable at this point?
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My wife Jessica (34) and I (35m) have been married for 3 years, and we dated for 2 years before that and we have two year old daughter. Jessica has two sisters, the eldest one (38f) is married to Jake (40m).
A week ago, I came home from work early and wanted to scare Jessica. I tried to be sneaky, but somehow I slipped and accidentally hurt my back. Jessica came to my rescue. I went to the bedroom, and she went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. Her phone was by the bed, and a WhatsApp notification came from Jake saying, "You've got the best pair I've ever seen."
I immediately knew what was happening. I unlocked the phone and saw that she had just sent some pics and video of her t*ts to Jake, and there were no previous chats before that. When Jessica came back to the room, I showed her the chat and asked, "How long?"
I have known this woman for 10 years, and I have never seen her so mortified. Her eyes got teary, and she said, "Babe, I am sorry, but I can explain" so I said go on.
According to her, at the end of 2019, she was struggling with money, and Jake suggested he would help her out. He hinted that he would like to see her pics. So she did sent him pics and it continue over the years, She swears there was nothing emotional or physical involved—it was purely transactional. I didn't believe any of it, but she showed me on Venmo, that MF paid her $300 yesterday.
I then told her, "It's been 5 years. Try to remember if anything physical happened". For me, if even half of what she is saying is true, how could something like that not become physical? She started crying and told me she could prove it tomorrow because Jake would get suspicious if she tried to talk to him now.
I took her phone, went to a bar, got wasted for the night, and when I came back, she was still there crying. I just slept on the couch. Next day morning I gave her the phone she called Jake, conversation goes something like this
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• Jessica: Hey, I was wondering if you want some more pics?
• Jake: I'm short on money, yesterday, I spent all of it.
• Jessica: We can do something more this time and meet in person. I've changed my mind on that.
• Jake: No way. How much are we talking about?

​
I felt like I was going to puke, I told her that we are done and left for office. I am not a very wealthy dude, but I would consider myself a stable guy who could take care of his family. Now I just feel like I have failed as a man, who's wife had to sell her body to meet her expected lifestyle.
When I got home that night, she looked like shit, I asked Jessica why she kept taking money from him after we got married and why she didn't ask me while we were dating. She said she didn't know how to stop and that it was easy money. I left my home that night and told her she can keep the home and the car but I want 50/50 custody of my child.
So here I am now, haven't told anyone about this. It's been a week since, staying in a hotel. I go home in the evening to play with my daughter. I'm speaking with divorce lawyers, and Jessica is constantly talking about marriage counseling.
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Comments
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thesocialmediadetox
Her sister deserves to know.
Elegant-Channel351
Gather the evidence. Contact an attorney. Follow the attorneys advice AND tell your SIL and all of the family (not the kids). Your marriage is over.
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Update - 2 days later
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Before getting to the update, some people were asking me to get a paternity test. I don't need one, I know she is my daughter because I am Indian and Jessica(my wife) is white, and my daughter looks like me.
Now for the update
After I made that post, I shared my situation with my cousin sister(30f), she is the only family member I have living in the States. I visited her place the next day, and she knocked some sense into me. I realized part of me still didn't want a divorce because I basically married Jessica against my parents' will, they wanted me to have an arranged marriage. So, my failed marriage would hurt my ego.
She also arranged a meeting with a divorce lawyer and no I am not giving up my house, I was just emotional at that time. From what I understand, in our state, adultery has pretty much zero impact on the assets, so it will likely be a 50/50 split. However, there is a high chance I can get better custody of my daughter because I have a job, and Jessica doesn't. She is also involved in "sex work" at this point, which could work in my favor.
My father-in-law called me last evening, and he was crying. He told me he didn't know what to say to me and that if he were in my place, he would have left her. Apparently, Jessica got scared and told her family everything after I didn't visit home for 2 days and had blocked her everywhere. I guess I should have done that a little while ago and jake is out of his house also.
So, I think I will go for a divorce because there is no point of reconciliation at this point when the whole relationship seems fake to me.
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Comments
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HelloJunebug
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you have a good path forward and I wish you the best with custody and all that. Can I ask what happened with Jake and his wife? Sounds like she kicked him out?

OOP: Yeah she kicked him out yesterday I didn't ask about them that much but it sound like my SIL is sure she is getting divorce.

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UnusualPotato1515
Any update on your SIL’s relationship with Jessica?

OOP: It sounds like everyone is trying to cut off contact with both Jessica and jake, but I think only my MIL is talking to Jessica, she was at my house last night.

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l3ex_G
What happened with the sisters marriage ?

OOP: I think my SIL is fixated on divorce at this moment.

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l3ex_G
What was the excuse BIL gave? The fact he took money from their home and gave it to your ex is crazy. I hope she can heal from that and does divorce him.

OOP: I didn't really ask, I was too overwhelmed by my father-in-law's response, he was crying nonstop.

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**New Update*\*
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Update 2: Caught My(35M) wife(34F) sending pics to BIL(40M) is our marriage is salvageable at this point? - 8 days later
​
I think it will be my last update:
In-short: I caught my wife exchanging nudes with her brother in law for money and I was going for a divorce.
TL;DR: we are not getting a divorce anymore bye.
Before getting to the update some people were cursing me in my DMs saying I might not earn enough and accusing me of financially abusing my wife and taking advantage of her. I dont think this is the case for me, my salary is close to mid six figures, and we have a joint account where I put half of my in-hand salary and we don't even spend that much.
For those who were confused about the relationships in my post, my wife was exchanging pics with her brother in law(her sister's husband) not mine.
Now to the update:
After the day Jessica told everyone about the situation, my mother-in-law called and wanted to talk. She was with Jessica after the whole thing happened. I returned to my home later that evening, and her parents and her sister Josy(38F jake's wife) was there. After I got there, Jessica wanted to talk alone.
According to her, Jake was trying to pursue her since she was about 16-17. (For context, Jake and Josy have been together for 20 years now) This continued for almost 2 years. He used to make suggestive comments about her body, and she told Josy about it. But, Josy didn't believe Jessica at that time and told her she was doing this for attention. Jessica didn't tell her parents either because, according to her Josy was their parents' favorite, so nobody would have believed her.
Jake didn't do anything between those years besides casual flirting until 2019 when Jessica was having problems with rent and the whole transactional thing happened. I asked why she didn't ask me about it, and she said we were only one month into dating and it could have looked bad. She swears nothing happened after that until last year when Jake and Josy started having problems in their marriage, and he started messaging Jessica again.
She didn't entertain him at first, but she had gained some weight from pregnancy and thought I was ignoring her because of it, which I was not. At that time, I was working close to 13-14 hours a day to change my niche to another tech stack, massive layoffs were also going on, so it was a pretty bad time. Now she admitted that she liked the attention and validation this time(she called herself an attention 'whore'), but she didn't had any feelings towards him. They started exchanging pics and money and this happened three times. Then she admitted it was cheating although there were no emotional or physical actions from her side, but She said that she shouldn't have done it.
I asked her why she didn't tell me about Jake harassing her when we first met or started dating. She said she thought I wouldn't have believed her and that it was in the past. Then I asked why she didn't tell me the first time I found out about this. Her answer was the same: she believed I wouldn't have believed her because nobody else knew about this. I was just sad about the fact she doesn't trust me enough to tell me such a horrific incident.
Now, I did something I am not very proud of. I asked her about a paternity test. I know it was stupid, but emotionally I was in a weird place at that moment. She was totally emotionless throughout the whole conversation, but after hearing about the test, she broke down crying and started hyperventilating, I started crying too. After about ten minutes or so, we stopped crying, and she said okay, then asked me if we are getting a divorce. I said I don't know. josy conformed about the story jessica told me.
She then said we should get a postnup before I do something like that. That line felt like a tight slap to my face, I was like "you're not even gonna convince me not to go through with it?". Then she left with her parents. The next day, she called crying, asking not to get a divorce, and to start marriage counseling. Obviously I said ok.
So here we are now after some weird couple of days, still getting the postnup, Her IC starting next week, Our MC starting next month. Hopefully, trust will return someday.
Also Jake is denying all that according to him Jessica "seduced" him for money and my SIL is getting a divorce.
I know some people are gonna call me a doormat, but I don't care.
​
EDIT: I'm not surprised by the comments.
Maybe my decision doesn't seem obvious to anyone because I haven't talked about my emotions the whole time, and I'm not good at discussing them. I'm getting a paternity test and doing the postnup to protect my assets. Divorce isn't off the table, one misstep and it's going to happen. Maybe you guys expected the ending where I hook up with her sister for revenge—yeah, if you believe those stories, you have a long way to go in life. Anyway, I'm logging off. Don't forget to touch some grass fellas.
​
Comments
ampliny

Obviously I said ok 😳.

intotheocean5
narrator: it was not obvious at all
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Kuranes_ov_Celephais

I know some people are gonna call me a doormat

That's because you are. She's lied to you from the start, and you will certainly discover other lies she's told to you. Hopefully you actually are going through with the paternity test.
Marriage counselling is to help couples that can't communicate effectively talk to each other with a neutral arbiter. It won't actually make her care about you or value you. It's not going to make her into a person with different values. She lied and betrayed you for cheap validation and a small amount of cash. That's what she did and who she is. The tears are because of consequences. The mismatch in values isn't going to change.
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BakerLovePie
Not going to slag you for being a doormat. Doormats are good things. It prevents the men who will be coming over to be with your wife from tracking mud on the floor.
You stayed, you know she's a cheater so what happens from here on out is on you.
​
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

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Hello guys,
My ex-girlfriend (24F) and I (24M) met in high school. We were together for over 5 years and had been close friends for 8 years. Our relationship was beautiful, filled with fond memories, and we had future plans together (including marriage). We were very happy until 3 months ago when we broke up. About 4 months ago, a guy from my girlfriend's class started getting closer to her. They became friends, and eventually, the guy developed feelings for my ex-girlfriend. Since he knew the negative aspects of our relationship, it didn't take him long to win my ex-girlfriend's interest. He left the doors wide open, even suggesting that he accepts my ex-girlfriend while still loving me. Three months ago, my ex-girlfriend told me that she thinks she's in love with this guy, and she wants to break up with me. At first, I refused, but when I couldn't change her mind, I said, "I'm leaving. You'll regret your decision a lot, but it'll be too late." Then I left her apartment (the last time seeing her face to face. From here all of the conversations were on the phone.). At that moment, her feelings and thoughts completely reversed, and she tried to get me back. She said, "I don't love him, I don't want him, I want you, I love you etc." Although I was initially firm, 2 days after I said, "I can give you another chance." She was happy at first, but an hour later she said, "I don't know, I need some time to think carefully." So, I told her, "You can't make me an option and keep me waiting," and I gave up. She asked for another chance again. This cycle repeated three times, and 10 days after the breakup, I said that I don’t want to reconcile again and burned the bridges. (I deleted messages, photos, sent our memory box to her, unfollowed all her social media accounts, etc.)
She constantly called and messaged me. Although she sometimes acted as if she wouldn't reconcile with me, most of the time, she showed that she wanted me back. (hot and cold but most of the time hot) She didn't delete anything related to me. She said things like, "I want you; I don't know why I put us through this," etc. During this process, she had a half-friend, half-flirt relationship with that guy. She talked about me to him, saying that I was everything to her, like family, etc. (I'm sure she wasn't lying). When I burned the bridges, I didn’t want her to be with him. So I told her that all her actions would be forgivable as long as she didn't have a relationship with that guy but also I can’t be with her while this guy is around her. There were 4 months left until she finished school, and after that, she wouldn't see him again. Their hometowns were far apart. So, I told her that if she didn't do anything irreversible (sex, starting a relationship), after school, we could reconcile. My goal was to prevent her from being in a relationship with him during these 4 months. I never thought of reconciliation. For about 2 month, I faithfully followed this plan and talked to her on WhatsApp. She constantly expressed a desire to reconcile, and I politely refused, but I didn't make her to give up hope.
Four weeks ago, I gave up my plan during a conversation and told her that I no longer wanted her in my life in any way. I blocked her on the phone, WhatsApp, Instagram, and Telegram. She tried to reach me by email and sending money to my bank account (saying that she can’t live without me, she is in a great pain, she literally begs for everything). After 24 hours, I sent her an email asking her to give up her efforts and that I could never forgive what she did. She wrote another e mail for begging, and I said, “I won’t reconcile with you ever again.” Then she finally stopped reaching me. Since then, she hasn't written to me. 2 days ago, I realized that she had mistakenly subscribed to Amazon Prime with my credit card 3 months ago. I unblocked her on WhatsApp and asked her to cancel the subscription and delete my card. She did what I asked and sent back the money from the previous months. But I didn't block her on WhatsApp again, thinking it would be strange. Right now, she's not blocked on WhatsApp.
To me, she is having a great deal of dilemma and she want two of us in her pocket so she can freely choose whenever she wants. But when I run away from her, she chased me with everything.
What do you think about my ex-girlfriend's emotional and mental processes? What is she thinking right now? What could her future with this guy be?
Thank you for your comments.

Hello guys,
My ex-girlfriend (24F) and I (24M) met in high school. We were together for over 5 years and had been close friends for 8 years. Our relationship was beautiful, filled with fond memories, and we had future plans together (including marriage). We were very happy until 3 months ago when we broke up. About 4 months ago, a guy from my girlfriend's class started getting closer to her. They became friends, and eventually, the guy developed feelings for my ex-girlfriend. Since he knew the negative aspects of our relationship, it didn't take him long to win my ex-girlfriend's interest. He left the doors wide open, even suggesting that he accepts my ex-girlfriend while still loving me. Three months ago, my ex-girlfriend told me that she thinks she's in love with this guy, and she wants to break up with me. At first, I refused, but when I couldn't change her mind, I said, "I'm leaving. You'll regret your decision a lot, but it'll be too late." Then I left her apartment (the last time seeing her face to face. From here all of the conversations were on the phone.). At that moment, her feelings and thoughts completely reversed, and she tried to get me back. She said, "I don't love him, I don't want him, I want you, I love you etc." Although I was initially firm, 2 days after I said, "I can give you another chance." She was happy at first, but an hour later she said, "I don't know, I need some time to think carefully." So, I told her, "You can't make me an option and keep me waiting," and I gave up. She asked for another chance again. This cycle repeated three times, and 10 days after the breakup, I said that I don’t want to reconcile again and burned the bridges. (I deleted messages, photos, sent our memory box to her, unfollowed all her social media accounts, etc.)
She constantly called and messaged me. Although she sometimes acted as if she wouldn't reconcile with me, most of the time, she showed that she wanted me back. (hot and cold but most of the time hot) She didn't delete anything related to me. She said things like, "I want you; I don't know why I put us through this," etc. During this process, she had a half-friend, half-flirt relationship with that guy. She talked about me to him, saying that I was everything to her, like family, etc. (I'm sure she wasn't lying). When I burned the bridges, I didn’t want her to be with him. So I told her that all her actions would be forgivable as long as she didn't have a relationship with that guy but also I can’t be with her while this guy is around her. There were 4 months left until she finished school, and after that, she wouldn't see him again. Their hometowns were far apart. So, I told her that if she didn't do anything irreversible (sex, starting a relationship), after school, we could reconcile. My goal was to prevent her from being in a relationship with him during these 4 months. I never thought of reconciliation. For about 2 month, I faithfully followed this plan and talked to her on WhatsApp. She constantly expressed a desire to reconcile, and I politely refused, but I didn't make her to give up hope.
Four weeks ago, I gave up my plan during a conversation and told her that I no longer wanted her in my life in any way. I blocked her on the phone, WhatsApp, Instagram, and Telegram. She tried to reach me by email and sending money to my bank account (saying that she can’t live without me, she is in a great pain, she literally begs for everything). After 24 hours, I sent her an email asking her to give up her efforts and that I could never forgive what she did. She wrote another e mail for begging, and I said, “I won’t reconcile with you ever again.” Then she finally stopped reaching me. Since then, she hasn't written to me. 2 days ago, I realized that she had mistakenly subscribed to Amazon Prime with my credit card 3 months ago. I unblocked her on WhatsApp and asked her to cancel the subscription and delete my card. She did what I asked and sent back the money from the previous months. But I didn't block her on WhatsApp again, thinking it would be strange. Right now, she's not blocked on WhatsApp.
To me, she is having a great deal of dilemma and she want two of us in her pocket so she can freely choose whenever she wants. But when I run away from her, she chased me with everything.
What do you think about my ex-girlfriend's emotional and mental processes? What is she thinking right now? What could her future with this guy be?
Thank you for your comments.

I am a girl in my late teens and I live in India. I live at home with my parents and I am a single child.My dad works a corporate job and my mom is a housewife.I would say I have a very good relationship with both my parents, they are great parents and have sacrificed a lot for me. They got married against their families' wishes and in India back in the early 2000s that used to be a big deal. We've had rocky relationships with both sides of the extended families so they're all I have, they're my biggest support system and my best friends. They've never treated me like they are my parents and I'm their kid. At home we all treat each other as equals and everyone's opinion is heard. Since they got married against their families' wishes my mom always told me one thing and that was if I wanted to marry someone I just had to ask and they would support my decision and welcome my future husband into the family with open arms which is a gesture I deeply appreciate. Although I have never felt like I want to get married recently me and my childhood best friend got into a relationship and I really feel like he could be the one but we have no intentions of getting married now we have atleast 10 years ahead of us which is a long time but I am becoming more open to the idea of marriage and being someone's wife. My friends at college often tell me that their parents are not as open to the idea of marrying for love with some of them also giving sly hints that if we don't do well in terms of grades then they will set them up to get married with someone after crossing legal marriage age. As I mentioned before I'm a single child which meant I got all the love and affection from my parents but at the same time they expect a lot from me academically speaking which I understand in today's world you have to be competitive. So lately I've been preparing for an entrance exam which is in June I've been doing my best waking up early studying for hours and sticking to my schedule as much as possible. Last week I had just had my lunch and was watching TV which I only do when I have my lunch and dinner. I was sitting on the couch when my mom walks in with no prior warning just says to me that you know how u tell me that your friends parents often tell them that if they don't do well they will be married off in an arranged marriage, we'll have to do the same if you don't clear this exam. At first she said it so calmly I almost thought it was a joke and I replied with what. She looked at me like she meant it and I told her I'm sorry but if you want I'll move out of the house ( just so u know in India kids don't usually leave their parents house unless they're getting married and even then the boys will stay with their parents and take care of them along with their wives) but I won't marry against my will. She looks at me and goes I'm not giving you a choice honey. I immediately left the room and went back to mine it took me a good 15 minutes to realize what had just happened and when I did I just started crying and couldn't stop for a good hour or so I felt sick to my stomach. My first thought was how she would never say this to me if I was a boy I felt humiliated that after all that I have done for you this is what you're reducing me to. Today was mother's Day and I hadn't spoken to her for almost a week I would speak to my dad after he got home but generally I avoided speaking to her. Usually on mother's Day I would go out and buy her some earrings from my pocket money and prepare some sort of a greeting card for her. Last year I wrote her a poem and she loved it. I wished her when I woke up in the morning and went on with my day she didn't say anything and neither has she shown any remorse or regret for saying that to me. My dad knows that we had a fight but doesn't know what happened exactly so he thinks it's just a small bump in the road. I'm sure he'll react the same way I have if I told him which I haven't yet. The only reason I have been doing well is because I have been speaking to my childhood friends almost everyday I wasn't in contact with them until very recently it seems like they are the ones that have saved me from this hellhole of a living situation. Today I spoke to one of my other friends who lives in the same building as me and told her about this situation at home she empathized with me and asked me to try and resolve this for the sake of my own mental health and sanity. Also with the upcoming exam stress I should keep myself composed which I agree with. But something inside me keeps telling me to not give in. We argue every now and then and it's usually because of something I did to which I immediately apologize and still she givese the silent treatment sometimes inspite me apologizing I want to resolve it but this time I'm deeply hurt and can't help it. What should I do? And AITA?

For what it’s worth, I wanted to tell my story. This subreddit has kept me around since the start of the year, so if I can help return the favor to anyone, here it goes.
I wanted reconciliation with every fiber of my being.
My(f) husband(m) and I (both in our mid 30’s) are each other’s biggest fans and incredible teammates. We get along so well and were genuinely happy together for nearly 10 years.
Unfortunately, this dynamic has not been enough to prevent something as catastrophic as cheating from happening. I thought we were bulletproof but he had some very deep seated (secretive) sexual preferences that he was “too ashamed” (his words) to express and work through as a married couple. This lead to him seeking validation/sex outside of our marriage. Which was shocking, because we did not have a dead bedroom by anyone’s standards.
When he confessed, I was devastated and felt blacked out for months. During this time, I was steadfast about R. Nothing was going to stop me from keeping my marriage in tact. However, as the shock lifted, I began to view my husband and our marriage in a completely different light.
I realized that we both deserve true fulfillment. He clearly didn’t get that with me.
Because of his actions, my fairytale was ruined. The most special relationship I ever had in my entire existence was reduced to unmet sexual gratification.
He is doing all of the “right” things to make R work, but it takes 2 and I am not part of the equation anymore.
I’ll leave you with the wisdom my therapist bestowed upon me when I told her I was going to work towards R and give the relationship time. Because I’m a people pleaser, she said:
“You owe yourself time to know how you truly feel. You may also use this time to watch the actions of your spouse and judge if there is true remorse, or if this is part of a tactic to keep you pacified.
Just know, whatever actions of his you observe, no matter how positive, they don’t mean you owe him R. You still get to decide your boundaries and what is best for you. He can do things perfectly and you can still walk away.”
Although I never imagined I would be divorced, I know it’s “ok” that it’s happening. I really gave it my all, but too many boundaries have been crossed.
Thanks for everything.

Framing this as a story to try to keep things objective while asking for advice for the couple and reconciliation. TIA!
George (34 M) and Georgina (34 F) dated for 9 years before deciding to get married. They had previously lived in Texas, DC, and then Seattle. They seem very happy with their lives and with each other. After getting married, Georgina gets her dream job in her home country so they decide to move abroad to Italy. They have been married for two years and have no children yet.
George is pursuing a doctorate and hasn’t been working because of health issues and later legal issues with residency in their new home country. As a result, Georgina covers the majority of their bills so that George can finish his graduate research. George spends most of his day working from a coffee shop or at home. His days are long and he has been dealing with anxiety and depression for a while. He is frustrated with how much time he has been putting towards his research and not making progress. He is also stressed because he sees how his partner basically has to cover everything financially. It also doesn’t help that he feels that Georgina is tired all the time and doesn’t want to hang out with him despite him putting in the effort to prepare dinners for her, suggesting date ideas, and setting aside time to watch their favorite shows together.
Georgina starts to share with her coworkers/friends that she is becoming resentful of George since he is still working on his research and not working in a full-time job yet. Her coworkers are fun, social, and contribute to a positive working environment. She quickly becomes close friends with them, eating lunch together, going out for beers after work, etc. She tries to invite George but it’s a bit inconvenient for him to meet up with them since they work in different towns. She starts to sense that one of her coworkers likes her but she isn’t sure. They start to talk more at the office and love DMing each other memes, funny pictures from the office, and life updates. Before she knows it, she starts to develop feelings for her coworker, Jean, because he’s easy to talk to, fun, and not as stressed out all the time like George is. She talks about Jean with her other coworkers to try to figure out if Jean really does like her. She doesn’t share any of this with George, saying she is messaging with her coworker group whenever he asks who she is messaging at night.
Eventually, George suspects that Georgina might have something going on with one of her new coworkers/friends. He asks her and she repeatedly denies that anything is going on until the end of the day when she reveals that she has started to develop feelings for Jean. However, she insists that nothing happened, she and Jean are “just friends”, and she was planning on limiting her interactions with Jean in the coming weeks anyways. George finds this hard to believe given how close they have become. He asks her to please break off her “friendship” with Jean as he feels their frequent communication, sharing of personal relationship struggles, and inside jokes could be contributing to an emotional affair between the two of them. Georgina says there is no affair and she wouldn’t cheat on George, however, she refuses to accept the idea of an emotional affair, sticking to the definition of a physical affair as what would be considered cheating. Georgina decides to permanently delete her conversation with Jean as she is worried that George may take their conversations out of context, further spurring his feelings of betrayal. And to appease George, she goes out with Jean over tea to explain to him that she can no longer hang out with him as much anymore (despite wanting to) because it has upset her husband and he is already stressed.
George is hurt and feels betrayed. George thought that he and Georgina could address his relationship with Jean together, but Georgina thought she should handle it on her own terms since it was her friendship and didn’t want to admit her feelings for Jean. So George feels unsure if an emotional affair actually happened (because when he asked to see her conversation with Jean, Georgina refused to share) or if he is being too sensitive to Georgina’s friendships with her coworkers and with Jean in particular. George tells Georgina that he is heartbroken and he feels lost as to whether or not they can move forward together in their relationship.
Georgina is tired of being the breadwinner in their marriage. She feels like she is doing everything to keep them afloat. She sees George as overreacting over nothing rather than choosing to focus on his graduate degree because in her mind, she didn’t do anything physical like kissing or sex so she couldn’t have cheated on George. And it wasn’t like she was only going out for beers with Jean; the whole coworkers/friends group would go together. She tells George that she loves him, but has been unhappy in their marriage for a while. She feels she hasn’t been doing what she wants, but rather just doing what is the natural next step. She reveals she has felt this way since they were living in DC, and she has come to the realization that while she loves George, she is no longer attracted to him and doesn’t feel “in love” with him anymore. She feels he has let himself go after he gained 5 kg and she lost 5 kg from marathon training. As a result, she doesn’t know what she wants in their relationship.
In the coming days, George and Georgina have a deep discussion over the issues they have in their marriage and whether Georgina did anything wrong as well as why George is not finished with his studies yet so that they can start to have a better and comfier life together. They mostly just share their feelings with each other and discuss what they feel are problems in their marriage. George asks Georgina what she needs to figure out if she wants to continue to be with George, and Georgina asks for space to figure things out. George asks for time to heal a little. They decide to take a break and reflect on their marriage and what they each want and need (individual counseling, marriage counseling, etc).

1. Georgina keeps thinking that things will get better once George finishes school and has a job. Do you think given where they are now, that will be the case?
2. Did Georgina have an EA? Or is George overthinking their relationship?
3. Can George and Georgina achieve R and move forward in their marriage? Or should they divorce?
4. Any advice?

TLDR; George and Georgina are both upset towards each other, George is upset because he thinks that Georgina had an EA with a coworker and Georgina thinks George isn’t working hard enough to finish school and get a job. Is R possible?
UPDATE #1: 1 month post D-Day Update on George and Georgina:
George is unsure if R is the right step for him because of how Georgina handled the situation with Jean and because of what Georgina shared with him during their discussion. He feels like if Georgina has just been going through the motions for more than half of their relationship and because of the recent lies combined with the lack of attraction, it is possible that she didn’t even want to get married with George to begin with and was doing it because it was what was expected of her. So he just feels like he’s waiting for his wife to decide if she truly wants to be married to him or not. He can’t help but feel anger.
Georgina later admits to George that she looks forward to going to the office largely because she will get to see Jean, but says she doesn’t look forward to coming home to George. George is trying to give her the space she asked for, but a mutual friend tells him that Georgina started messaging with Jean again and has confessed to continuing to delete their messages because she doesn’t want to give George anything to worry about when the break is over in case he asks to see her phone. Because of their discussion before the break, she tries to limit her social time with Jean to only group settings to minimize the risk of acting on her feelings. She wonders if she should tell George when she goes out with the group and Jean is present but decides that it might just stress George out more. She loves George so much but now that they are on break, for the first time in a while, she feels at peace and not resentful.

Our fights where built from the bricks of the family house we demolished.
The pool you where so desperate to drown in, was really just the kids tears.
They heard us shout.
The day you left was the day you became nothing more than the memory of an old song.
As they replayed a distorted CD through their minds of the lullaby you use to sing to them.
They missed your voice,
No.
They missed half your voice.
They hated the half that had sharp, broken, glass-like edges at the rim.
They hated the way the glass would shatter as you let out a guttural insult at poor old Mum.
And yet i watched as they held onto the half that would tell them 'It's okay Dads here.'
I watched as they preserved it in a locket.
Rusted shut from the broken promises you left.
Soon they'll grow up.
They'll go on a hunt for old dad.
Armed with shotguns and bullets;
Bullets with shells made of contempt.
They'll hit you hard.
But god dammit you'll survive.
Like a deer in head lights, you'll look at them eye to eye.
Frozen in the ice of they're blue eyes that you gave to them.
The same eyes that you should have looked into.
At that Farther daughter dance.
Their graduations.
Marriages.
And an infinity of events.
And like a deer.
You'll run away again;
Deep into the wilderness.
Honestly, I do not relate to this poem, I found the topic deeply sad and so I decided to write a poem on it.
Feedback

1. https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/comments/1cp5uxs/comment/l3m38p2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
2. https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/comments/1coxgv8/comment/l3m404k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

I didn't know about twinflame until this month, but is learning like crazy. Lots of dots start to connect. For me, almost all important event in my life is associated with a doubled digits, 11, 111, 22, xyxy, xyzxyz, etc.
Today, I read Alexander Pope's profile on Wiki. Am I just overly sensitive to the numbers? or do you feel the same?
Here are the thing caught my eyes:
Alexander Pope was born in London on 21 May 1688
In 1700, his family moved to a small estate at Popeswood
An Essay on Criticism, published in May 1711
Around 1711, Pope made friends with Tory writers Jonathan Swift, Thomas Parnell and John Arbuthnot, who together formed the satirical Scriblerus Club.
A folio containing a collection of his poems appeared in 1717, along with two new ones about the passion of love
His father passed away in 1717
his friendship with Teresa ended in 1722
His mother passed away 1733
He died at his villa surrounded by friends on 30 May 1744

Major works

• 1709: Pastorals)
• 1711: An Essay on Criticism^\41])
• 1712: Messiah) (from the Book of Isaiah, and later translated into Latin) by Samuel Johnson)
• 1712: The Rape of the Lock (enlarged in 1714)^\41])
• 1713: Windsor Forest^\6])^\41])
• 1715: The Temple of Fame: A Vision^\42])
• 1717: Eloisa to Abelard^\41])
• 1717: Three Hours After Marriage, with others
• 1717: Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady^\41])
• 1728: Peri Bathous, Or the Art of Sinking in Poetry
• 1728: The Dunciad^\41])
• 1731–1735: Moral Essays
• 1733–1734: Essay on Man^\41])
• 1735: Epistle to Dr Arbuthnot

Other works

• 1700: Ode on Solitude
• 1713: Ode for Musick
• 1715: A Key to the Lock
• 1717: The Court Ballad
• 1717: Ode for Music on St. Cecilia's Day
• 1731: An Epistle to the Right Honourable Richard Earl of Burlington
• 1733: The Impertinent, or A Visit to the Court
• 1736: Bounce to Fop
• 1737: The First Ode of the Fourth Book of Horace
• 1738: The First Epistle of the First Book of Horace

Hello. I was served divorce papers but I didn't respond because I had sincerely hoped for and worked for reconciliation. I took him to on several weekend trips, including a marriage retreat in hopes of working things out. Additionally, my husband has taken control of all our assets and I don't have any money at my disposal for an attorney. My husband has been hot and cold, making the appearance of gentility one minute then picking fights and becoming belligerent the next. So then I got a default judgement which proposed to award him100%of our assets and I realized that my husband was trying to bide his time so that the default would go through, as well as trying to drain my resources so I couldn't hire an attorney. So then I filed a motion to set aside the default. The hearing for the default was last Friday and the judge had my motion before him. The judge smiled at me and told me that it's very rare for one party to be awarded 100%of the assets in a 29year marriage. I took that to mean that he wouldn't allow that to happen.
My question is, are my reasons for failing to answer enough to set aside the default: 1. My sincere hope for reconciliation and 2. Not being able to hire an attorney due to the financial stranglehold my husband has me in.
Thank you.

I honestly just need to vent. That's all.
Yet I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. After your partner cheated, if you tried reconciliation, did you start to realize you also don't like their family?
I am currently remaining in my marriage because I am unable to leave financially at the moment, but the long game is for me to leave. However, during the past year-plus, since WH's EA, secret dating app use, and ongoing lies and contact with his EA, I have slowly realized that I also do not like his creepy family. They've never done anything at all to harm me, but I just don't like them.
The dad. His identity is that of a cowed, subservient, browbeaten old man who gives in to all of his wife's whims. He has no voice, no interests, and no relationships. WH likes to cosplay that he is just like his dad, but that is bullshit. WH gets whatever he wants in life, from where he gets to live, all but dating other women while married, whatever cars he wants, vacations with his sister when he wants, control over the money, and so on.
The mom. For whatever reason, everyone is terrified of "upsetting" her. She goes on long, rambling monologues for literal HOURS. They're exhausting, but WH has told me we must not cut her off. At Thanksgiving, she spoke for 45 minutes straight, blocking the kitchen, and we "had to!" eat cold food, as it was a requirement we do not move or say a word as she told an impossible-to-follow monologue. She is also a compulsive shopper and a low-level hoarder. Her disabled husband has trouble getting around the house because of her "stuff." Her children have done multiple hoard cleanouts, but she also "gets upset" when they actually need to get rid of things.
The sister. She is in her late 40s and has never dated or had a serious relationship. She has a bit of a creepy relationship with WH. They are more like spouses with each other, and he prioritizes her wants, needs, and comfort over everyone else's including mine. They lived together, he makes sure he takes time off from work for her, insists she come on all vacations (even supposed 'romantic' ones with me), is always her plus-one, they have a joint bank account (I didn't have one with WH until last year), they make plans to purchase a home together in the future without including me in their searches…I could go on.
20 years ago when WH and I got married, my son was a kid. The mom was supposedly so excited to get a grandson. Well, she accused him of not sending thank-you notes for some gifts she got him. I checked. He sent them. But that was enough to decide to never have any contact with him again.
They're a very insular group of four who have no interest in anyone other than their tiny group.
I am sure their son's/brother's behavior has colored my view of them, but I think they're icky and creepy, and I no longer want to be around them. Once I forced him to confess his EA and dating app use, they stopped including me in family gatherings anyway, so I guess it's for the best.

I'm in need of an outside perspective here. Little bit of background about us, we are both early 30's, no kids, married 5 years, together 8.
Last summer I found out my wife posted on reddit asking for advice, and said post was 2 years old. Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just paste the content on here. She had deleted it but the detective in me found a way to retrieve it. I apologize if this is a long read.
Does he lust for me or not? HELP
"Hi, I am kinda needing some advice regarding a man who I work with. Just a bit of background, we do not work at the same company - he has an office next to ours and is in the army. I am 28f, married, good looking. He is 41m, married, and decent looking. I'm very friendly so we started talking about random stuff like metal music which we are into. It's evolved into this "flirty" type discussions. He's asked me lots about my life like my age, where I live, what my husband does for work, etc. I figured he wanted to know more about me. The other day I was in his office talking and he casually gets up and grabs his lotion and starts applying it on his leg (he pulled his pants up) and he has a bunch of tattoos on his leg. Was this showing off or just applying oil to his tattoos mid conversation? Idk. He is married but never talks about his married life. He smiles at me when I come by to see him. He must be flattered a 28 yr old is interested in him. We've talked for long periods of times and his body language is always relaxed like leaning against his door or in his chair. So there COULD be signs of a 'crush'. how can I know for sure he is interested and how would I know how far he is willing to go?
I am happily married but dig his attention, he's charming, decent looking and I am somewhat crushing on him too, though I don't think it'll go anywhere. But I can't tell you how I would react if he kisses me - will I back off and set that boundary or pounce on him with raging hormones because as a woman we love that attention and to be desired? The wonders of the unknown.
Men, what do you think? How can I find out how he sees me without asking in a direct way?"
The comments themselves were not deleted. She wrote in one of them:
"I'm shy and don't think I'll make any move but I'm not sure if he'd try. I don't think so unless he is really sure I like him and not just flirting. Sometimes it's only me and him on our floor down in the basement of the building - so it's easy. I know I am playing with fire but I don't know why I love the attention and flirty discussions with him. Growing up my dad never gave me attention, my exes left me when I was overweight and my husband is great but that "gleam" in his eyes in the beginning has disappeared, he isn't enamored by me anymore which happens in most marriages after the honeymoon phase. I'm good looking for my age and in shape now so I have more confidence this time and I like flaunting it with him"
Another comment : "lol chill girl I wasn't the one who stole your man, and like I mentioned on my post 'it might not go anywhere' and 'I dont know what I'll do if he kisses me' maybe i'd automatically feel guilt and will ask him to stop...IDK. I am just wondering if by the signs I mentioned above - he is interested. He is a Christian with kids and has morals so who knows if he would even go that far - but I have not dated in a while and wondering what are the signs a married man is interested in another woman. Geez. Flirting is flirting and we dont talk personal stuff, its mostly music, our work, food, etc just general topics for now"
Now, along with this, I also found "progress pictures" she had posted a few months prior to this, also on reddit. First post was legit, but the second was a nude she had sent me while I was overseas, with her privates edited and covered by some hearts. Her inbox had a few horny dudes who messaged her, and she flirted back with a couple of them.
We are now 10 months after I found all of this out. I still cannot believe this all happened, it feels like someone else wrote this, not my wife. On that day I fucking blew up, told her I needed time to reflect on all this. After questioning her she insisted nothing happened, she was just fantasizing and regretted it immediately after she posted it. That the guy in question used to call her "kid" and had no romantic interest towards her. The pictures were because she felt the need to be validated, and that she hardly remembered posting these. I eventually told her to move out and that we were going to live apart for a while, because that's what I thought I needed. We stayed in contact the whole time, which I now realize was probably a mistake.
She has recently issued an ultimatum, by next month I have to make the decision of getting back with her, or we are done. She said it in a friendly way, which I think fucks with my mind even more. She keeps saying that we have to work on our marriage together to save it, and that living apart is not solving anything. Asking me to read relationship books on how to be a better partner, article about love languages, things that have nothing to do with what she did. Telling me about guys that hit on her, like this shit is supposed to help her gain my trust back.
We were trying for a kid before all of this happened. Her biological clock is ticking, so I understand that she won't wait several years in limbo waiting for me to get over what she did. I know she will want to start trying for a kid again if I agree to reconcile, as she made that pretty clear. For me that is way too early to even consider that kind of commitment.
She has broken something that I am not sure can ever be fixed, but at the same time I still love her deeply, and deep down am hoping that there is a slim chance reconciliation might be possible. What the fuck is wrong with me? Has she found a way to hack my brain, or am I just being a chump? Since last year I have pretty much not been sober for a single day, drowning all of this with heavy drinking. Now 2 weeks sober, with a clear head and starting to see things in a different light. Realizing it might be over, and it hurts so fucking much. IC is out of the question for me due to financial reasons, so I guess I just needed to share this and get some outside perspective. Thanks for reading if you made it to the end.
EDIT: Forgot a couple things since I was trying to keep this short.
We are now living in another state, so her job and co-worker at the time is out of the picture, if that means anything.
According to my wife, her need for validation and fantasizing was due to my lack of attention towards her, mostly due to my line of work and stoic personality. There was a lot of tears, apologizing and telling me she had looked for it in all the wrong places. At the time the post was made (3 years ago), I was working a very physical job in the trades and either coming home physically exhausted, or working late doing side gigs. I won't deny the fact that I could've dedicated more time and effort towards our marriage instead of work, but at the same time I would've liked her to bring this up to me at the time and ask me to get my shit together, instead of trying to find that attention outside our marriage.
She has done some counseling on her end, maybe 2-3 sessions total and has not really shared what came out of it with me. She wanted us to get couple's counseling but I refused at the time. I just wanted time by myself to decide if this was the person I wanted to share the rest of my life with and have children, not work on our relationship. Not sure if that was the right call but that's the one I made. She has read books, mostly relationship and self help, and says we both need to work on our flaws. According to her, mine is not sharing my feelings and showing enough affection. There might be some truth in that, as I tend to not be the love letter and flowers type, at least not as often as she'd like. Again, if that was such an issue it could've been something for me to work on.
She has not admitted to anything else other than what I found out on my own, and insists that she would've never done anything to risk losing me. That is probably the part that bothers me the most. I am either very good at finding shit out, or there is more than I will probably never know.
Also, I have told her since day one that any infidelity on her part was a one and fucking done deal. She knew it, and I expected the same from myself. Yet here I am today. Easier said than done I guess.
Thanks a lot for all the great input internet strangers.

10,000 Stolen Days

May 10, 2024 marked exactly 10,000 days since Sophie’s life was taken. 10,000 days which had they not been stolen from her in December 1996, must have seemed to be filled with possibility .1996 had been a banner year, she had achieved so much in the previous 6 months, setting up her production company "Les Champs Blancs", and producing three different productions, with more on the way. But it had been exhausting few months with all this work and travel, and although Christmas is a holiday, it is not always a relaxing one.
Christmas had often been a difficult time for Sophie. She walked out her first husband Pierre Jean at Christmas 1981, so suddenly, she left her infant son behind and had to steal him back with a ruse involving a relative. She broke up with Bruno Carbonnet over Christmas in 1993. leaving him a puzzling note;
“Je suis partie là où tu n'a jamais été, là où tu n'iras jamais".
“I have left there where you have never been, there where you will never go”. This didn’t make much sense to Bruno. He waited alone for two weeks in the apartment hoping she would return, he a had bought a bicycle for Pierre Louis for Christmas. In January he left to teach in Le Harve and when he returned the locks had been changed and all his stuff was on the landing. Sophie was deliberate about change in her life she didn't just let things happen to her. Her agenda year planners reflect this. She was meticulous in recording meetings, calls, contact details and travel plans. She brought 1995, 1996 & 1997 year planners with her. There are notes and reminders stretching into February 1997. She even tore off the little perforated corners as each week passed. It's a poignant reminder of how abruptly her life was cut off in full flow - the week beginning 23/12/1996 still has its corner intact.
Sophie’s style was austere, almost minimalist. Her cottage was painted white inside and out, with a except for the ground floor, which was black slate with a shiny varnish. The only decorations were a few sprigs of holly placed by the housekeeper to welcome her. A traditional Christmas week filled with loud music, tinsel and overconsumption was the diametric opposite of her character.
Worse there is the prospect having to trade pleasantries with tiresome relatives.
That Christmas Daniel had decided for the first time to have a big family Christmas inviting his extended aristocratic family to his chateau in Ambax in the South of France. For Sophie, who even after six years of marriage barely knew Daniel’s relatives, this was an easy choice and a hard no.
She bought her ticket on the morning of her travel planning to spend nearly a week in Ireland including Christmas Day and return on the 26^th. It may be that this was the only return flight she could get at the time. Or it may be, as she told her aunt Madame Opalka “she was going to go to Ireland to spend Christmas there, because the house in Ambax was full of people”. From what Daniel has said, and from what others have said, it may be he tried to persuade her to come to Ambax for Christmas and convinced her. Sometime during the weekend she got an itinerary by fax at the cottage confirming her flight back on the 24^th. But even on Sunday afternoon she told friends she had not made up her mind which flight she would take.
It is difficult to say how well their marriage was going at that time because the reports vary. Daniel said it was "harmonius and peaceful" which was far from accurate. There are several biographies of Daniel Toscan du Plantier, and they paint a vivid picture of a man who though incomparably charming, lived his life his own way without much concern for his family. He married four times and in three cases his wives were already pregnant before they got married. When he married Sophie, his eldest son and daughter were not even told about it, they only found out later in the summer when Sophie turned up at events.
Some witnesses including Daniel said was it was the happiest period, others say she was basically “an official wife” and that “their open marriage was an open secret”. The truth was probably somewhere in between. She had visited Ambax in November and collaborated closely on the documentary Europa 101 with Daniel. Whatever their personal arrangement, Daniel was deeply affected by her death, even though he refused to come to Ireland. His daughter Ariane wrote how she spent months taking care of him, feeding him sedatives and sleeping pills. He was clearly overwhelmed, so Sophie must have been more than an "official wife" to him. Was their marriage "open"? They clearly had a high degree of independence from each and had affairs in the past.
Nevertheless, Sophie may have balked at spending Christmas in Ambax. For one thing, it was far away from Paris, where her friends and family lived. For another, Daniel’s family and entourage knew very little about her. Apart from his second son Carlo, who was friends with her son Pierre Louis and some servants, she would have been on her own. Christmas in Paris would have been tolerable, she could escape and visit her parents and friends whenever she wanted, but in Ambax, she would be cooped up with nowhere else to go.
There is a question of whether Daniel was having an affair at the time. According to a Garda memo, French journalist Caroline Mangez said that Daniel was with a female film producer. However the files are full of unsubstantiated rumours and lies. Even if he wasn’t having an affair Sophie may have suspected he was. If Daniel had invited a mistress, or even a former mistress, or a former wife to Ambax, it would be unbearably awkward for Sophie. Daniel had uncountable affairs, and many of his mistresses knew each other, some remained on good terms.
Daniel may have been faithful at that time, perhaps he was telling the truth when he said their marriage was harmonius, but in any case Sophie had other reasons to skip Christmas. She had wanted to come to Dunmanus for months, but work got in the way. The heating had just been fixed and she needed to pay the plumber and her housekeeper. They preferred cash.
And if Daniel was unhappy that she wasn’t going to be there for Christmas, they were going on holiday together in the New Year to Dakar, Senegal. It would be much easier for Sophie to be with Daniel by himself than his whole family. This trip to Ireland would be a breather for her. She didn’t want to be alone, she asked at least 8 different people to accompany her, including 2 former intimate partners, though there is no evidence that she was having an affair or intended to have an affair.
There is a post-it note with a message in Sophie's hand seemingly inviting someone to spend Christmas: "Je vous laisse le choix : venir ou de refuser histoire que vous passiez un bon noel"
"I leave you the choice: come or refuse just so you have a good Christmas"
Whoever that note was written to, it was to someone she addressed as "vous" so not one of her closest friends or family.

Work

If she had another relationship, it is not obvious from her diary and it was unknown to her friends. What her diary does show though is that she had thrown herself into work.
Apart from her agenda she kept a working notebook, a red hardback book which is filled with a tantalizing mash of different references to famous works of art, music, and contacts details of artists and philosophers. She had recently completed work on three different films. The first work was a documentary on African Art. The next was Europa 101, a documentary written by Daniel showcasing the wealth of European cinema. This was Daniel’s pet project, he loathed US cinema and the dominance of Hollywood. He once likened his wife’s death to a “bad movie”. His life’s work was a “struggle against cheap portrayals of violence, which is what leads to deaths like this” (Irish Independent 12/07/1998). This project involved gathering interviews and footage from dozens of famous directors and actors, including John Malkovich, Ingmar Berman, Pedro Almodovar, Werner Herzog, Nanni Moretti, Jean Luc Godard and many others. It was broadcast on December 8, 1996.
The third was an art house movie called “He sees folds everywhere”, a concept movie exploring the idea of folds and creases in everyday life, in hanging clothes, paper, wrinkles on skin, folds of a human brain. This was a project of the director Guy Girard, and it was the work to complete this that delayed her trip to Ireland. But she had other projects in train in her notebook. She was researching Greek folk music, Rebetiko. She had a project or projects in mind which were somewhat dark in nature.
She was in contact with George Didi-Huberman who had written a book called “The Invention of Hysteria”. This is a photographic history of how Jean Marie Charcot – one of the giants of 19c French science – locked up thousands of women for the imagined maladies of hysteria, lethargy, catalepsie and experimented on them, deliberately photographing them in contrived and frightening poses. It is a very weird and frightening history.
Her next project seems to have been based around human fluids. Her final notes are filled with references to human flesh, death and the four medieval humours of blood, phlegm, black bile, yellow bile. There are extensive notes to what seems to be a lecture given by linguist Jean Claude Milner on the subject of melancholia. Note that “melancholia” is a synonym for “black bile”, one of the four humours.
She was researching the avant garde Irish/British painter Francis Bacon, who was known for producing uniquely disturbing images. She references “Three Studies for the Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion”. There was a Bacon exhibition in Centre Pompidou in 1996 and Sophie must have attended it. Her notebook contains her jottings from a lecture on Bacon by writer Philippe Sollers which seemed focused on blood.
"Why does painting touch the central nervous system?" "We are carcasses of meat, meat above all" "The canvas bleeds, blood spurts red" "Dostoyevsky had a crisis in front of the 16^th century Hans Holbein’s painting “The Body of the Dead Christ in the Tomb She jotted down a quote from the play Libation Bearers from Aeschylus:
Orestes sees the Furies coming and exclaims "O Lord Apollon look! Now they come in troops, and from their eyes they drip loathsome blood!"
The last entry reads "research the Furies"

Friday

Having failed to convince anyone to join her in Ireland for Christmas, she went alone. She telephoned Josephine on Tuesday 17^th, told her she would be arriving alone on Friday. She called her again on Thursday to ask her to make sure the house would be warm.
She went to the airport on Friday morning, bought a ticket with the return date on the 26^th, carrying with her a rather hefty bag filled with clothes, including some eveningwear. Perhaps she envisaged visiting people at Christmas time. She expected to stay nearly a week. Later, possibly on Sunday she changed her ticket, she called the Aer Lingus ticket desk in Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris and got a return flight for the 24^th. She received the itinerary details by fax, as she had a machine in the cottage.
She was not in a good mood when she arrived. She had some words with the woman at the Avis counter who passed her to her colleague. The photos on CCTV show a woman looking tired and drawn, something which was remarked upon by the Avis rep, who estimated she was in her forties, a little older than her 38 years. But nobody looks their best walking off an aircraft. She had also attended the Unifrance Christmas party the night before. This was a lavish party held in “Les Bains Douche”, a unique Paris nightclub combined with a swimming pool. Apart from the late night, the social effort must have been tiring. There was a rumour that Sophie had a row that night at Les Bains, a row with one of Daniel’s mistresses, but I have never heard that confirmed. But other reports say that those who met her there found her "radiant", "in good form", "playful". "She went arm in arm to see friends," one guest at the party told Paris Match, "but she always came back to the table where Daniel was sitting." (Paris Match 09/01/1997) Daniel was quoted years later by Michael Sheridan - “She spent some hours having an intense, passionate conversation with a film-maker” - Alain Terzian, producer of Les Visiteurs, one of the most successful French comedies of the 1990s.
Strangely though, Daniel’s first statement said she left on Wednesday. So perhaps it didn’t register with him that she was at the Unifrance party with him on Thursday 19^th, or perhaps he had forgotten the party altogether.
Sophie was captured on Cork Airport CCTV at 14:41 pushing a trolley through the arrivals gate. The scheduled arrival time was 13:20, but because of almost an hour’s delay in departure it didn’t touch down until after 2. It would have taken about 15 minutes to pick up baggage from the carousel.
Cork is a small airport and it is quick to get through the arrival hall to the car hire desks, only a matter of a few meters away.
Sophie hired a silver Ford Fiesta and would have been on the road by 14:50.
The quickest route to West Cork would have been via Bandon and Dunmanway but it is more likely she went via Clonakilty and Skibbereen. She stopped in Ballydehob to buy kindling. She may have stopped in Skibbereen to buy petrol. A pump attendant reported seeing a woman matching her description driving a silver Ford buying petrol. He also noted a tall male companion in the passenger seat. The Gardai discounted this sighting because they accounted for the petrol in the car when it was hired and the mileage thereafter. There were also some discrepancies in the vehicle’s appearance and its description in the statement. Also the Ballydehob sighting is more reliable as the woman got a chance to talk to her. It would seem odd to stop in both Skibbereen and Ballydehob, both petrol stations.
But she seems to have stopped again in Schull because she bought bread and cheese in the Courtyard Deli, and this was most likely on Friday. She talked with the proprietor, Denis Quinlan to ask if there would be live music. At this stage it would have been around 4:30pm and after this she went to the cottage. She called her caretaker Josephine at 5:15, so she must have been at home by then. We don’t know if she went out after that point. She may have stayed in. At 10:15 she called her friend Agnès Thomas and spoke to her for half an hour.

Saturday

Sophie’s whereabouts on Saturday morning are unknown. Perhaps she stayed in, perhaps she went out. Finbarr Hellen was working on his land nearby and saw her car outside the house 12 to 1pm. He didn’t see her and thought it was unusual for her not to come out and say hello. He also remarked her car was parked in an unusual place. He did not elaborate more than this.
The next event we know is that she bought some groceries in Brosnans supermarket on the main street in Schull and took £200 out of the ATM.
For the curious, her shopping list is listed below:

Item	Price
Firelighters	0.85
Independent Newspaper	0.85
EP Televised "Chopped" & Her	0.52
Parsley	0.40
Low Fat Yoghurt	1.90
Ballygowan Natural Spring Water	0.85
Napolina Penne	0.75
Rashers	1.26
Courgettes	1.23
Chicory	1.79
Onions	0.09
Fox's Classic Biscuits	0.83
Flat Mushrooms	0.65
Pepper Coated Salami	0.85
Cooked Turkey	1.89
Mushrooms	0.34
Avonmore Leek & Potato Soup	0.99
Monini Olive Oil	3.45
Ballygowan Natural Spring Water	0.85
Avonmore Carrot & Coriander Soup	0.99
Ballygowan Natural Spring Water	0.85
	22.18

This list does suggest she was buying just for herself, but also that she planned to cook moderately elaborate meals with parsley, courgettes and chicory. Together with the cheese, bread and fruit already in the house she had enough food on there to last a few days. This quantity of food suggests she had not decided to travel home on the 24^th at this stage.
The till recorded a time of 2:49pm.
Sometime after this or perhaps before Sophie entered Tara Fashions, the clothes shop run by Marie Farrell. What Marie Farrell saw that day and subsequent days has been subject to revision, retraction and details seemed to be added with each telling. But I think the most reliable report is the first and all the subsequent revisions cannot be trusted. Farrell called the Gardai on the 25^th but they didn’t get around to taking a statement from her until 27^th. Even so we can assume her memory was fresh. Here is her statement, verbatim.,
On Saturday the 21st December 1996 I was working in my shop at Main Street, Schull, Co. Cork. Between 2p.m. and 3p.m. I noticed a weird looking character across the road from my shop. He was approx 5’10” in height, late 30’s, scruffy looking, long black coat, flat black beret, thin build, sallow skin, short hair. He was there for about 10 minutes. On Sunday morning at 7.15a.m. approximately I noticed the same man on the road at Airhill. When I saw him he was walking towards Goleen on the right hand side of the road and I was travelling in the opposite direction. When he saw me he stopped and put up his hand to thumb a lift. I did not see this man before or since. On Saturday the 21.12.1996 at approx 3p.m. there was a woman in my shop. She did not buy anything. I now know that this woman was the deceased woman from Goleen. I recognised her from the photograph on the television.
There is also a record of her questionnaire which may have been taken earlier than this statement.
In reply to question no 8 When/where did you last see him/her alive? She replied "saw her in shop. She bought a "Carrig Donn" aran sweater aran nap coloured, rolled neck late Sat aftemoon. Paid £39.00. Questions No. 9, 10, 11 & 12 were left blank. In reply to question No. 13 "any other help?" Marie Farrell replied "saw a man on Sat afternoon hanging around street. Desc late 30's, 5'10" very short hair wearing black beret. Saw him again Sun morning @ 7.20am walking towards Airhill but thumbed her.
In a later questionnaire, Farrell said the sweater was too big and she didn’t buy it.
What is interesting her is that Farrell does not draw any explicit linkage between the weird character in the long black coat and the woman in the shop. They were just there at approximately the same time. Farrell did say in later statements that the man followed her up Ardnamanagh road, but this was many years later. Her statements that she saw the same man at Kealfadda bridge at 3am on Monday are untrustworthy, but we won't go into this here.
A farmer, Frank Lannin, saw Sophie driving towards Schull from Goleen around 3pm. She saluted him as she passed him in his tractor. The time or the direction of travel must be wrong here.
The final sighting on Saturday she was seen in the Courtyard pub, eating a crab sandwich and left at 3:30pm. Sally Bolger went to feed her horses on Alfie Lyons land at 4:15pm and says she saw Sophie’s car at her house.
Saturday evening is a complete blank. Nobody saw her, she may have called people on the phone but we don’t have precise details. Her husband said she called him twice on Saturday, but we don’t have any confirmation of this.
At some point Sophie changed her ticket home. Her diary has a number listed as “O’Mahony” and the number was the line to the Aer Lingus ticket desk in Charles-de-Gaulle Roissy airport. The new itinerary was faxed to her in her cottage. The reason why she decided to come home early is not known. Her friend Jean Senet said her husband Daniel persuaded her. For his part Daniel said there was no particular plan and he was to pick her up from the airport at Toulouse at 8pm. Another report tells that she came home early to meet her father, so she could help him with his taxes.

Sunday

For Sunday morning we don’t have any reports.
She called to Dunlough at in the early afternoon, perhaps around 1pm. Sophie had walked here several times before. It is a spectacular headland featuring a lake and three crumbling castles. It was cold and dry at the time, good weather for a walk, if bracing. It is necessary to pass the farm to walk the headland and when Sophie did so she met Tomi Ungerer. This was the second time they had met. Sophie had called here in April but it seemed Tomi and his wife were having a row at the time and Tomi had not paid much attention. Daniel said that Sophie feigned a puncture as an excused to call to the farm. In June Sophie had sent Tomi a fax about the death of a mutual colleague, Gilbert Estève. She may have been seeking information or just making contact. Sophie made a habit out of making contacts with important artists and thinkers. It was one of the things that a colleague said of her, she knew all the right people. It is possible that Tomi was one of the people Sophie wanted to meet for a while. Tomi invited her in for a drink after she had finished her walk. She returned an hour later and they had a conversation over two glasses of wine.
Tomi was a renowned visual artist, with a keen eye and a professional interest in culture. Born in Alsace he was marked by World War II and had seen the ravages of the Nazis and the backlash from the French afterwards. He worked for as a cultural ambassador to improve Franco German relations.
The statement that Tomi gave is remarkable in the insight it gives to Sophie’s character her interests and state of mind.
“She was saying how great Ireland was for literature and education compared to France, how France had thousands of books published every year but that there was no good Authors there, how Ireland was vibrant as a centre of literature for a small Country. She discussed her family, moreover her children and their education in France. She indicated that the reason she was here in Ireland was she wanted to be alone for Christmas. I considered this strange but I sometimes like to be alone too. We talked about books and culture and how the language here was more meaningful and truthful compared to the superficial nature of the French.”
“She seemed a very genuine person, a fine person, not pretentious or snobby. I thought she was deep and intelligent, so much so that I made notes of some things she said, “In a language there should be no need of the use of cuteness” “The problem of France is her lack of modesty”. I wrote those saying they might be useful for my work in the futre. I wrote the quotes on a card in which we exchanged addresses before she left. On hindsight now I would go as far as saying she was not beaming, that she had something on her mind. It’s hard when you do not know someone well to say. I offered her a third glass of wine but she did not take any. We gave her some eggs to take with her, half dozen for her supper. We have hens.”
The word “genuine” is telling. Tomi was struck by Irish people, how the highest compliment an Irish person can give about another, is to say that person is “genuine”.
Tomi described her appearance:
“She was wearing some type of black leather expensive looking pants, brown suede hiking boots, a white/cream ribbed polo necked sweater and a beige wool blazer and a navy blue wool jacket with belt and a navy wool cap and red suede gloves, wine/red gloves. She was dressed very well. She had her hair tied back.”
As to her demeanor, this seems to have grown with the telling. The documentaries made much of the legend of the lady of the lake, whose appearance is reputed to be a harbinger of death. This lurid tale does not feature in the early Garda statements. Tomi remarked that “she was not beaming”, that she may have had something on her mind. His wife Yvonne turned up while they were chatting.
“While we were chatting, Sophie told me that while she was up at the castles she felt this great anxiety almost fear. This is not an uncommon feeling for people who visit the castles. She wasn’t in a cheerful mood but she wasn’t really glum either. She talked about her plans for the future and we spoke about meeting up in Paris in the Spring. She seemed happy to be here and she wanted to be here. She said she liked it here but her husband didn’t. She said she would be back at Easter. We made vague arrangements to meet over the next three days. I gave Sophie some eggs and she left here at about 5.45 p.m.” Yvonne’s estimate of the time she left must be an error. It is more likely she left at around 3:45.
After leaving Dunlough Sophie went to Crookhaven to Sullivans pub, a legendary stop. Here she spoke with the proprietor Billy O’Sullivan and his son Dermot, both of whom speak good French and knew Sophie from prior visits. They also knew her friend Alexandra Lewy. One time Alexandra had arranged to buy a cast iron church gate for Sophie’s birthday, Sophie was fond of antiques and bric-a-brac. Dermot had carried this gate up to the cottage. Sophie asked about getting logs for her fire. Dermot recommended she go to a filling station. She said there was only kindling at the filling stations.
It is interesting that so much of Sophie’s alleged stops and conversations were about fire, kindling, logs etc. Despite this, the photos from her house show she had a lot of fuel. There is a stack of logs, several bales of peat briquettes, what looks to be a 40kg bag of coal and one, perhaps two baskets full of kindling. She had enough for days of fires, unless she lit both hearths, which would be unlikely considering the second hearth did not draft properly, and she was arranging to have it fixed. The kindling may have been bought from Camiers Garage when Kitty Kingston reported meeting her on Friday.
She told her friend Alexandra before she left that she was going to sleep in the guest room because it was the warmest room, being directly above the oil range. There was also a brass bedwarmer found next to her bed. All these details point to Sophie being acutely aware of the cold.
A witness heard her discussing the old Coastguard houses with the Sullivans. These are a prominent landmark visible from O’Sullivan’s pub across the water. The witness left before Sophie did at 4:30pm so she must have returned to the cottage no earlier than 5pm.
The witness noted she was wearing “black leather pants and brown suede desert boots and a long chunky jumper”. This matches well with Tomi Ungerer’s account.
Note the "desert boots" seen by this witness and the "suede hiking boots" mentioned by Tomi Ungerer are probably not the hiking boots she was wearing when she died. The hiking boots she was wearing were very worn, the laces had snapped and had been tied halfway down the lace holes. It looks to me she shoved them on without untying/tying the laces. Sophie would not have visited Schull wearing old worn-out shoes. A pair of dark brown suede "desert boots" are visible at the bottom of the stairs in the garda photos. These match better with the shoes seen by the witness.
It’s 25 minutes drive from Crookhaven back to the cottage so if Sophie left at 4:30 she would have been back home before 5pm.
We know she most likely went home, because at 5:32pm she called her friend Agnès Thomas to wish her a happy birthday. Agnès was out so Sophie left a message.
The postman called at 6pm and noted the lights were on. Presumably he was doing a Sunday shift to cope with the Christmas rush. He didn’t see Sophie’s car, but as he only went as far as the lower gate, it is quite possible he missed it.
At 7:30pm she called her housekeeper Josephine but she was out. She tried her again at 9:10pm but again she was out. Josephine returned and called her back at 10pm. Sophie told her she would be leaving on the 24^th, not the 26^th as she originally intended. They arranged to meet the following day at noon.
Sophie’s phone records were not available, as the exchange she was on was a traditional analogue exchange, with no recording facility. Schull was one of the last places in the country to have such an old system. Days later Garda technicians tried to retrieve call details from her cordless phone but its batteries were flat and nothing was found.
At around 10:30pm she called her husband Daniel, who said he couldn’t take her call. He said he was in a meeting with Unifrance associates. As it was nearly midnight in France, this an unusual time to have a work meeting. Daniel called her back “about twelve minutes later”. He said she was sleepy and probably in bed. Given that the cordless phone was found next to her bed, this seems plausible. He also said that she told him about her visit to the Ungerers and had formed a work project with him. He said she told him she returned home at 9:30pm, but he could be wrong about this. The phone calls to her friend and housekeeper strongly suggest she was at home from 5:30pm.
This was the last anyone heard from Sophie until her body was discovered at 10am the following morning.
From this point all we have is are the police photos and the story they tell is ambiguous, there are multiple possible interpretations.
The fire was lit that evening and there was an empty wine glass on the mantlepiece with dregs of wine in it. There was a loaf of bread, a white crusty “basket loaf” which had been sliced and left open. This is odd as there are no crumbs visible on the table and no plate. Would Sophie have gone to bed leaving the bread out? It’s possible. Another possibility is that the bread was sliced in the morning. But if so where is the plate that she used?
Conceivably Sophie may have left these items from another evening, but it is more likely she consumed the wine that evening, possibly with some cheese she had in her pantry, and the bread she had cut. There was a book open on the table, propped open by a jar of honey next to an empty teacup. However as the cordless phone was found by her bedside, it seems likely this was all left from the previous evening.
It seems the most likely Sophie spent her last night reading, went to bed and then took the call from Daniel.
The book propped open was not a Yeat’s anthology. There is a tale repeated by many true crime authors that Sophie was reading a Yeats poem called “A Dream Death”. It contains the lines
I DREAMED that one had died in a strange place Near no accustomed hand,
Ralph Riegel titled his book after this poem. But this is not the poem she was reading, if any. Yes there was a Yeats anthology found on her bed, but not the bed she slept in, it was on the bed in her personal room which she didn’t use that weekend. The anthology is “Quarente-cinq poèmes suivi de La Résurrection”, a collection of later Yeats poems translated by Yves Bonnefoy. It does not contain the poem “A Dream of Death” but it does contain a poem called “Death”, a meditation on how animals die versus men.
Nor dread nor hope attend A dying animal; A man awaits his end Dreading and hoping all;
But the Yeats anthology is not open on the bed, it is closed in the police photos. Unless the Gardai picked it up before photographing the room, then we cannot be sure what poem or poems she read. As regards the book propped open on the kitchen table, it’s prose and it is French. Journalist Lara Marlowe wrote that the book open on the table was a book about lighthouses.
Among the exhibits the Gardai took are three books

1. Le Coeur Battant – “The beating heart” – this is the title of a 1960 French movie.
2. Le Tenes Vert – Unknown – looks like a transcription error by the Gardai, could be “Les Terres Vertes”
3. Le Cine Monde – World Cinema

Other books in the house seem to correspond well with what we know of her character. On the landing there is another book from an Irish writer, Sean O’Casey, “Les Tambours de Dublin” in French.
On the shelf in her box bedroom we can see a book by Virginia Woolf, the title itself is illegible in the photo but Woolf’s distinctive profile photo is visible on the spine. I wonder if the book might be “A Room of one’s Own”. This essay advocated that a woman writer could never accomplish anything unless she had financial independence and her own space to work in. Even if it was some other book by Woolf, this essay would have been known to Sophie. It hints at what the white cottage meant to her. Her tiny box room tucked under the gable and raised single bed was a quasi-monastic cell - a creative space, a room of her own in West Cork.