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I can't sleep, and I have some truth to spill.
A few months ago, my colleague and I argued because he wouldn't take my advice over a DeWalt drill, we use all Makita tools here, and it seems meaningless to buy new chargers and batteries for a different line of power tools. I shared that question here, and oh boy I got smacked in the face. https://www.reddit.com/Dewalt/comments/1clmntl/are_they_trying_to_dupe_me_universal_power_tool/
Now, I'm over that. He can get whatever he likes, that's his right, I understand that. BUT! Why there're so many of y'all are defending the Youtuber and that third-party battery brand?
discombobulated38x has 3 upvotes cuz he mentioned that he trusts Dean and TTC? Kubuntu55 got 5 upvotes cuz he said these youtubers did a lot of tests? Oh my gooooood,. No-Names-Left-Here got 36 upvotes cuz he said "I'd trust that youtuber over you too." Don't you see this is a personal attack on my specialty? because of what? A third party battery?
Universal Power Tool Battery in concept is good, but there is no way it's good, I don't even need to watch youtube videos or visit their website to know how ridiculous this product is bad.
Nothing good comes along without loyalty, you are loyal to your friend, and he will give you a hand when you are in need, that's the same with your relationship with the brand! My dealer gives me a 5% cut every time. Expensive batteries mean good batteries, unlike that stupid "universal battery" which I saw a facebook post today, you know what they did? 50% off discount! no sh*t! Any reliable brand ever does that? It only makes me more skeptical. My advice to you all! If you see a "universal power tool battery" with 50% off like this, run off! I can't recall when is the last time I'm wrong. You will thank me later.

Here. And I’d like to start by noticing that Steve Sailer is obviously Delicious Taco’s dad. Having said this.
Good episode. Lots of engagement which I suppose is a net positive for all involved. Obviously a lot of the injury stems from a distortion. The episode’s content fantasized and in fantasy warped into something constituting a threat (no, an outright assault) to the listener’s person. One can simply listen to the episode and see that some (in fact the bulk) of the negative responses are from people reacting to some spectral absent-presence rather than to the people actually saying over the course of the 2 hour long episode and to what was being discussed. The voices and the discourse have instead been shaped into sonic receptacle containing the reflection of something wildly ugly. Injuriously ugly.
Past few days have been brutal. Found myself doom-viewing the main sub, should know better at this age. Feels like I’ve been transmogrified into an absurd and wretched thing. Must've transgressed against a gnome or something. Fascinating to think about.
I would like nothing more than to shame you.
Miami Summer is a killer. Urine is blood-orange. My mother deserves better sons.
Why would A&D do this?
Witnessing the rankest comments. In bygone age I’d found them tolerable. Having imagined them delivered by high society homosexual. A damned dandy; chubby, sinister, and flamboyant. Capri on a stick limply held between index and middle fingers, twirling wrist ash’ing on expensive Persian rug. The blurry ghosts of his mother and the kid brother who drowned in the pond all those years ago glaring at him from far-off corner. Clearing throat he launches into sing-song slander head peeling back cackling at his own wickedness. Vile and venomous but charming. Instead what we get is 30+ year old mentally-ill men. Men whose Twitter activity has atrophied their cock and balls. Genitals withering away like the Worker's State, in its place a gasping cloaca, worry not I can clock em from miles away. The odious cloaca-havers are soon joined by ruined drug-addled children and the other women. They talk about A&D in disgusting ways. This is unfair and nasty. I confess to being angry. Sweating blood-specked kerosene. Let the scent fill up the empty air between us. My rage singing those overgrown nose hairs.
Of the two I think Anna is the one that inspires the harshest parasocial spite. So much so that I’d recommend she take some protective measures against evil eye and tongue. Maybe take baths with hyssop herb, rose water perfume, and holy water.
It’s as if Anna Khachiyan is a Giant Floating Vagina with teeth and a noticeable overbite. Viewed from another angle it transforms into a Madonna encircled by cherubim. Perhaps we are cruel to Anna in order to be kind to our mothers.
All very pre-Oedipal.
Had to step back and parse it out. Anna draws a comparison between herself and Sailer while also asking him a great question,
07:12-07:49
Anna: “I started reading it during the pandemic because it was the pandemic. I was pregnant and bored and I really relate to you as a person who everyone thinks is like evil and monstrous on the internet, but is actually like quite agreeable and mild mannered in real life. And I was going to ask you this question last, but I may as well just ask it now. How do you feel about your new found popularity? And especially, how do you feel about the fact that you have been effectively adopted by or identified with the hard right?”
The first part of the above extract, the sympathetic recognition, brings to mind a bit of 20th century Hermetic theory concerning harmful thought-forms. Our unconscious self-destructive impulses animating the fantasy-phantasm of the other. Inhabiting their shape. Gaining a degree of autonomy. This artificial entity is vampiric by default, provoking what the Czech magician Franz Bardon calls a "magical persecutory complex"... He goes into detail about such entities in Step VI of his seminal work, Initiation into Hermetics. Describing different types of artificial elementals and phantasms along with details on how to consciously go about creating and dissipating them. One of those artificial psychic entities, the one that concerns us, he calls the schemata. Bardon details two variants, one connected with paranoid persecutory fantasies and the other with erotic obsession. The first type comes about when someone who is “easily excitable, easily influenced or self-important” (Narcissist?) has a run in with another person who has, to put it mildly, a memorable visage and dark personality. The schemata is born from the phantasm modeled after this demonic-looking disagreeable person. The victim begins to attribute all kinds of minor inconveniences to the influence of the ugly person. Deludes themselves into thinking that the ugly/disagreeable person is a powerful black magician. Everything appears to reinforce their paranoid delusions. The schema grows in power feeding off the anxieties of their creatohost. The person might end up committing suicide. This was the persecutory schemas desire, having achieved its goal Bardon notes, “how great is the shock when such a spirit realizes on the mental plane that he has committed a very successful magical suicide. What a bitter disappointment! The demonic looking person, however, has no idea what happened; he was actually only the means to an end.”
God gave us eyes so that we might notice things.
The way I see it:
Being social animals the subject of our fantasy, of our fixations, is the fantasy of the other. What makes the human Human is not that we desire but rather that we desire the desire of the other. An excess desire. We fantasize about what the other is fantasizing and enjoying. Our fantasy of the fantasy of the other is the outlines a fundamental lack within our person, a negativity. Experienced as a splitting of consciousness. Intuiting this lack, becoming aware of it, and attempting to articulate it, we are self-consciousness. This negativity or void is in psychoanalytic terms, the unconscious. We likewise intuit that there had once been some original state. One without lack and contradiction. A state of fullness, without the division between self and object. A harmonious whole. A pure consciousness or as Freud refers to it in Civilization and its Discontents an oceanic feeling. The Original Desire, one that is authentically my own, which was not the desire of the other but which unites our desires in itself. This desire is the extinction of all desires.
The eye that perceives the lovely is at once the eye that perceives what I lack. Perceiving this lack, which explains my present condition, I covet. This is an evil eye. The lover’s gaze is of the same type as the infirm or pathic gaze. Reminded of Zizek’s formulation of one of Hegel’s insights, “Evil resides in the very gaze which perceives Evil all around itself" itself a variation of Meister Eckhart’s “the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me.” The recognition of evil, the ability to see and judge evil, stems from our ability to recognize disparity. This disparity is already present within our own person, the split-consciousness. The feeling cognized, the awareness of our condition as beings separated from the whole. The clairvoyance of the tyrant and the philosopher.
Suppose that psychopathology is born from our inability to recognize an image as an image.
I intuit something more in this person, something they’re hiding. It can’t just be envy, no. It has to be because I can feel that this thing they’re hiding is sinister. It can’t just be that I feel animosity towards this person, no. It has to be because this person is evil and not just an isolated evil but rather a symptom of a much larger evil. An evil that is responsible for all the suffering in the World, for why my World isn’t the way it should be. It can’t just be attraction, no. It has to be that I intuit something more in this person, something hidden, that I must destroy in order to go on living.
If vile shit comes to mind (as vile things often do, especially when one is immersed in ambient algorithmically-summoned vileness, namely outrage and atrocity porn) they won't affirm it to themselves or try to justify or rationalize it or present it as a rational political stance. And they don’t abstract this particular form of vileness into the primary lens through which they view and interpret cultural phenomena. Unreflexive racial animosity is ugly and fetid. We’re capable of recognizing it, feeling it, as something pathological. We’re also capable of laughing at it. Laughing at ourselves. Look at what our ladies have to say about Stuart Seldowitz (the dude who went viral harassing a halal street vendor) in I’ll Be Missinger. “He sucks,” “he’s a loser,” “he’s obviously sick,” and that he gives the impression of someone who lives alone, will die alone, and will be found weeks or even months after the fact.
Perhaps Red Scare is special in how it manages to elicit absurd, wildly inappropriate responses from listeners. Vulgar and revelatory was it? Steve Sailer elicits a similar response and has become an expert in turning said absurd reactions to his advantage. Generally the cooler-head in any given exchange. While the other person shouts obscenities at a ghost, smashing fists against the post, looking crazy, like a proper hysteric. Sailer breaks the fourth-wall, making eye-contact with the would-be noticer, with a little shake of the head, a little chuckle, a little shrug… “you’re noticing right? See what I have to put up with? Imagine these people defining my legacy.” Still he seems to take it with the good humor of an uncle who will still call you on your birthday, despite your drunken outburst during holiday get-together he will admit to not having resisted the temptation to provoke you, it use to be fun, recall all the cool bands I introduced you too? We use to be best buds, “do you really think anything I’ve said merits this sort of response? Honestly?”
Has to be a cheap trick. A technique employed by an old trickster in decades long honing of craft. Maybe not. Maybe what we see is precisely what we get. Most of the very upsetting things being jokes sincerely intended to lighten the mood. Steve Sailer doesn’t care about the particular political orientation of his audience. He just cares that he has an audience. Grateful for the fans he has. Nonetheless happy that they’re not seething malcontent racists. Even if one disagrees with the methodology, the heuristic, the conclusions. That’s secondary, perhaps even tertiary to the recognition sought. His craftsmanship as a writer.
Why I loved his conflict with Will Stancil. Stancil inspired a lot of pondering for me. Putting things in place…
01:29:22-01:29:28
Anna: “You come for the race science and stay for the prose-styling and vivid story-telling.”
In trying to survive as a writer exiled from Mainstream Conservative media (ConInc) during the Bush Jr years. In fact, correct me if I’m wrong but the cancelation that actually impacted Steve Sailer, setting him down the path we find him in, was brought about not by blue-haired hall monitor millennial leftists but by his “fellow” Conservatives. I imagine that he just went with whoever was willing to take him adapting to the editorial standards and audience sensibilities of the publications willing to provide him succor. Not charity mind you but an ability to engage in his own little labor of love.
Read some Sailer. Might get into that later. But that’s the initial impression I got from Steve. Would be utterly mortified if memorialized as a Racialist Ideologue rather than as an entertaining and thought-provoking journalist. Think I also benefited from seeing how he’s actually received by people who are navigating through (or in certain cases, are mired in) the marginal “Hard Right”-spaces or the Rightwing Digital Ghetto. End up realizing that he isn’t hateful, that what you see is precisely what you get, that he privileges craft over ideology, that his reception and exile from Neocon dominated media outlets (remember these are the people gushing ecstatic over the US invasion of Iraq, manufacturing consent for our adventures in the Middle East) was exceedingly unfair but that he nonetheless managed to persevere. And that he really never goes beyond Norm McDonald in terms of his sardonic wit or The Boondocks animated series in terms of his criticisms. His normality is a great source of stability and comfort for his readers; “noticing” and speculating about these topics doesn’t necessarily lead to one becoming a seething racist.
Returning for a moment to Will Stancil, this was what he inspired:
As the last man standing I spend countless hours immersed in detailed fantasies about the coming apocalypse and my enemy's bliss. A dumb and wicked happiness proportional to my suffering. Easy to imagine other people happy. Hearts unbroken. Unburdened, hydrated, sexually satisfied, debt-free, lucky, successful in all business endeavors. Brute, jezebel, schemer, parasite, rival, betrayer... the whole lot of them thriving. Frolicking in my mind's eye. When the time comes I won't forget that they were happy while...others...suffered.
Find that trying to void your mind of all thought or sit perfectly still for 10 minutes. End up feeling like something requires much less energy from us than nothing. Causes coalescing. Conspiring, to what ends?
You see. The very same principle appears to be at work here. Same pathological base that undergirds genuine racial or ethnic animosity. Fantasizing about the other’s enjoyment and being unable to distinguish between the persecutory Phantasm and the actual human being whose shape it appropriates.
Had a friend recommend forgetting. Forgetting is a dialectical exercise, first you have to acknowledge the thing living rent free in your head and acknowledge its origins... then you have to take the steps to stop feeding it. Letting the thought-form dissolve. Let it be put to rest. Reminded of the practice Orthodox Christian contemplatives call Nepsis.
Other approaches as well, acknowledging the presence of anima veiled in shadow.
But listen…
The podcasts I consume, are a reflection of me as a person. Being what I associate and consume. What does it say about me in particular? Reveal about me? That they should have Steve Sailer on the pod. Settling down. Perhaps some responses could be understood in this light. That a Sailer episode reflects poorly on the listener. Constituting a great betrayal of the love and energy and time I have dedicated over the years to you.
I’m not a racist.
Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are. The most punitive and brutal god. The idea of the AI nu-god being this, utilizing that standard, is horrifying. Show me your likes on Twitter and I’ll tell you who you are, everything you are, and whether or not you qualify to live.
Shamed, I quietly remove the upvote I gave to the hysterical person and the downvote I gave to him.
Hysteria like a yawn is an empathic contagion.
Back to Anna it’s not because she’s ugly and it sucks that she might nurse this delusion. I actually think Anna is really pretty. Rather I think it’s because she’s a mom. She registers as a maternal figure. That’s one of the reasons I think people respond to her the way they do. As stated earlier. We are cruel to Anna in order to forgive our moms.
[To be continued: Wherein I say horrible things that should never be said to the people I claim to love. Will also interrogate Sailor Socialism]

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

Nothing like kicking down Women amirite fellas? Jokes aside, I enjoy plenty of Female Artists, but im specifically talking Mainstream here, I would even argue Women are POSSIBLY better vocalists, debatable but still
Here are the highest selling Female Artists ever, Rihanna, Taylor Swift, Beyonće, Madonna, Britney Spears, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Adele
Now we get to the highest selling Male Artists, Michael Jackson....the Beatles, Led Zeppelin....Elvis.....Rolling Stones.....Pink Floyd.....Prince.....Elton John.....Queen......Stevie Wonder......Eminem.....Jay Z......Kanye West
While I absolutely respect a lot of the music by those Women listed, there is no denying that those Male Acts made greater music, sure Rihanna's great, but does she have an Album that goes toe to toe with Thriller? Abbey Road? Led Zeppelin IV? Dark Side of the Moon? Purple Rain? Does Beyonće, Swift or Madonna have an album at the level of those? Does Beyonće have a song on the level of Stairway to Heaven? Does Gaga have a Billie Jean level Pop song? Does Britney Spears have a song as good as Sympathy for the devil?
When you look at the best Albums of all time list, it's dominated by Men, best Guitarists? Drummers? Best Rappers? Best Producers? Male Dominated,
This is just a random list but if I was to name a top 10 "Greatest" acts ever? I seriously doubt a Woman gets in there, maybe Madonna scumbags her way in based on how iconic and influential she is? But other than that Men make better music, look I love Women, I love Music made by Women, I'm just having a bit of "Gender Battle" cheeky fun, I do think Males make better music overall

This is probably a stupid post to make, but I wish I was ASPD or a narc.
I'm just an avoidant person - I do want things like money, plastic surgery, and a life of mostly freedom but mainly because I want to be so independent and not have to ever let anyone in again and I do like the idea of being so unattainable and being the "dream girl" of every guy - not in a purely sexual way, but actually being the girl he desires and sees as trophy wife enough to move me to the hamptons. I like telling myself secret lies that I have never been in a relationship simply because men don't think they can ever pull a woman as good as me.
I don't have to be the "most powerful" in the room, but I want to be associated with power and have the ability to get along with higher ups.
All my life I've been abused when all I ever wanted and craved was deep intimacy and to be seen and nurtured. At the same time, I contradict myself - I used to view relationships as purely transactional but of course, when the other party did not meet my emotional needs, I ghosted. I wish I was like that Shera lady on YouTube who talks about being super detached from men, and not giving a fuck if they yell at you or call you names because, at least you're getting money and she is so full of herself despite being financially dependent on her husband. I couldn't live like that, I cannot have respect for myself if other people are disrespecting me - but sometimes it takes "humility" or at least playing the humility card to get the things you want - and it seems like Narcs are really good at playing on this.
My parents are both narcs and they treated me like shit until I got a car and moved away from home for 3 years..when I started treating my mom like the way she treated me when I was 13, she started acting sweeter and more docile. My step mom got her karma - she used to sit back and watch my father abuse me, but when I moved away from home she became his next victim. A huge part of me feels guilty and sorry for her, because dealing with my dad is a soul crushing experience I don't wish on ANYBODY no matter what they have done to me - but another small part of me is thankful that she's getting her medicine for being such a fool and believing that acting like a loyal lap dog to a man would benefit her somehow.
My father is constantly trying to pry information out of me about my personal life - especially weird intimate details about guys I sleep with. I just don't trust my father at all, and I try to tell him things he wants to hear to avoid conflict. Recently we got in an argument though, and I blocked him and deleted his number like I always do when I leave people.
I just want to be largely unaffected by most things and situations, I don't want to be so insecure and hate every thing about myself, I just want to be able to interact with people and have the upper hand or be unaffected by their absence. I want unwavering respect and admiration.

Could anyone advise what's the best way to use talcum powder to the perimeter of the formicarium?
My Lasius Niger colony is starting to build up its numbers now and feeding them is becoming quite a chore with escapees.
I can't seem to work out what sort of talc is best or what type of alcohol would be best to use with the powder as well. I'm in the UK so if anyone knows any particular brands/products that can be purchased in the UK it would be most appreciated.
Thank you

Context: I had gone on a few dates with Felix (fake name) prior to this one, and they were all really great. And till this point, there nothing negative about him at all. Even though we are in the same uni, we are in different departments and different dorms, so until our date I have never seen/interacted with him. My friend/roommate (Evelyn/fake name) is the one who set me up with him (this will be important later).
On our 4th date, we had gone to watch a play at our local theatre, and we had a great time. We were going to get an uber back to our dorms when I suggested let's get some dessert, so we can end the day on something sweet. So we went to an ice cream shop and were standing in line to order.
In front of us was a couple with their baby, and the dad was holding the baby over his shoulder, so the baby was looking at us. The baby was giggling and waving so I waved back and the couple turned around. We had small talk, and during this Felix was quiet. He didn't talk to them and he looked uncomfortable. I wrapped the convo quickly as I noticed this. I though maybe he doesn't like kids or something. The couple left, we paid for dessert and left. As we were walking to our spot for the uber, I mentioned " the baby was very cute," He muttered a small yes, I didn't care too much for his reaction and was scrolling on my phone while we were waiting for the uber. Our converstion then transpired like this.
Felix: The kid's dad is black while the mum is asian
Me: Huh? I mean yes?
Felix: That's a shame
Me: What do you mean that's a shame?
Felix: Why did she have a kid with a black dude? There are other Asian guys out there yet she goes for black men
Me: I had no words, I was speechless
Felix: Look, you don't get it, I have trauma from this. My ex gf was also stolen by a black guy
Me: What are you going on about? What does your ex gf being "stolen" have anything to do with that lady and her family.
Felix: You don't understand, asian men have to deal with this all the time. All the asian girls like either white guys and black guys.
Me: I was dumfounded hearing this, he was sounding like a red pill podcast You may have had bad experiences in your dating life but that doesn't mean you can be hateful and rude towards random people or generalise an entire group of people because one person was wrong towards you. You are being racist and I don't think I have it in me to deal with this. I think it may be for the best if we don't keep in contact.
I ordered a separate uber and left. I blocked him and left it at that. When I came back to the dorms, I was visibly upset and my friend asked what happened, so I told him. Somebody must have overheard and now our entire dorm knows he's a racist. Evelyn now is angry at me for blocking him and spreading this situation.
I told her what happened and she said well he has trauma so maybe that may have been a response to it. I said you are stupid if you think I'm going to waste my time dealing with a racist, when there are other people I can date. She said he's a good person and that I should give him a second chance. She's trying to rally our other friends to convince me and thankfully they are not putting up with her bs.
But then Felix's friends reached out to me and said he's had a difficult life and that's he doesn't mean what he said, and now people are harassing him for being a racist. I'm now so annoyed at this entire situation.
So AITAH for blocking him?

Hello there! I'm new here :)
I always wanted to express my inner goth but as a kid it was pretty hard for me (no goth shops, no money, insecurities abt the way I could've look ect). Now I'm 26 with a work and I don't give a damn abt how people perceive me! :D so now I'm fulfilling my desire and embrace a more goth look. But there's a particular accessory I can't really match with the rest of my outfit.
And I'm talkin about the shoes. I really like vampire/gothic/romantic goth so I think a "delicate" kind of shoes would be perfect. But I also need shoes for everyday life as for going to the grocery stores or to work.
I'm actually using Mary Janes, I think they're pretty adorable and even if they're a little platform it's not a problem (I usually don't like platforms) but I would like to change shoes from time to time.
Unfortunately I really don't like the most used shoes: Buffalo, Demonia ect are just too much for me XD and I don't like how I look with pikes on... But these shoes seems to be the only ones suitable for a goth look according to people on the internet 😩
So what kind of shoes could I buy? Are there alternatives to the big, high and studded shoes? I would like to know more the type of shoes (I mean names like Mary Janes, Pikes, Chelsea ect) than brands. If I know the typology I can choose the brand then :D
Sorry for my broken English and thank you in advance ♥️

We live in a lovely neighborhood with a lot of families who we see every day at the bus stop, playing outside, walking from school, etc. I’m having my second baby after seven years - I had a serious illness that kept us from having more children for a long time and we thought we couldn’t have anymore kids, so this just feels like a huge miracle.
We’re the only family in our neighborhood who has had an only child. All the families know about my illness (I was basically dead and in and out of the hospital getting treatments for like 1.5 years, followed by a long recovery). Almost everyone has been wildly supportive and kind.
However, one of the couples we see makes CONTINUOUS comments about us “finally” having a second baby, constantly hinting that we have “no idea” what parenthood is like because we’ve only had one. On Mother’s Day I sent a group text to all the moms, saying “love you ladies - so fortunate to be in a neighborhood with such great moms!” Everyone else wrote back kind texts to the whole group. This mom felt the need to single me out and say, “[my name], soon you’ll actually understand the joys of motherhood that come with breaking up fights all day!”
Please bear in mind that I do or say ZERO things to instigate these comments - I NEVER compare parenting and in general I have a “you’re doing great, parents need to support one another” attitude. It also was a massive trauma to be infertile for several years, and it took emotional work on our part to accept and be happy that we might only ever have one child. Having a second now feels surreal, it’s so wonderful, and it’s so crummy that this couple feels the need to put us down all the time.
My question: do I say something about these comments? One or two would be easy to brush off but it’s honestly every day at this point. The Mother’s Day text made me really sad because it’s like… I’ve been a mom for seven years. I wanted to have more kids much sooner and went through hell to get to this place. And why am I being singled out as “oh just you wait until you ACTUALLY understand motherhood” texts on a friendly, supportive group text?

1/ A format like A day in my life follows the same structure as TV Pilot. If any influencer is organically recording their day. Our Character established an intent in their mind to tell a story and when they want, they comeback to highlight new events. And at the end, they leave audience hanging because now the audience is hooked to know the details.
Example; Beauty and Fashion Products highlighted in GRWM & A day in my life Content when influencers get invited to an event or have something special to do.
2/ A format like Online Rant follows another framework of TV Pilot structuring. In this format, audience is left wondering what provoked the starting rant in a short form video, and by the near end. Our Influencer has a relatable story and character mystery to engage people in taking an Action.
Example; Movie Criticism on Youtube always leads you to influencers recommending ‘Mubi’, A Streaming platform focused on having great movies only.
I can name many other influencer formats following Pilot Episode Model because it works and many brands are winning at performative influencer marketing with them. I think if you care about performance and RPI, You shouldn’t end your process at bulk influencer outreaches, instead you should build a universe around your influencers. If you want Disney-like profits, thinking about ROI is only a small part of the strategy.
Complete Guide: https://thesocialjuice.substack.com/p/a-deep-dive-into-influencer-marketing

Wade took a breath as he picked up his old duffel bag, now loaded with his DD uniform and a few other items from the Ceres mines as he slotted it to his side, with the large band handle around his neck. Having gathered his belongings, he joined Tina, who was waiting near the ship's open bay door as he walked over to her. The couple watched several of the other troopers inside marching out as well, some carrying crates of supplies and items out of the craft as they departed for the base outside. Kelly was one of the last ones still on board, checking on a section of the cargo bay as she did what Wade presumed was some maintenance work.
With the way now clear, Wade and Tina stepped off the transport, glancing at the massive base around them as they touched the roughened pavement. Throughout the large landing port were several more chameleon dropships, their crews disembarking with similar items and loads of rescued drones aboard. Beyond the ships were several hangar bays and fighter craft, mostly A-20s and their space-borne cousins docked in lines going across the pad. And beyond the landing zone, towering over several buildings at the base, were the few cruisers docked to the large clamps holding them in place.
Walking ahead with Tina, Wade observed some of the departing Coalition troops as they neared one of several tents stationed near an inactive group of planes, the military personnel interacting and exchanging the crates with the Coalition officers upon reaching each other. Hearing a low roar of engines from afar, the lover drones looked upward to see the large USN warship that was present at the factory earlier, having followed the transport convoy home and now was beginning to descend for landing. Wade gave a silent gasp as he caught a glimpse of the ship's name and SIC number at the side, remembering it from the ship he and Ron saw while returning to Earth.
"Always a wondrous thing to see, isn't it Wade?" Tina said as she and her boyfriend watched the ship slowly come lower to the unoccupied dockyard clamps below it.
"Sure is, wonder how they built those babies?" Wade replied as the two looked upon the landing starship, the former worker drone smirking as he added, "I could've swore I saw that same exact ship over Henderson when Ron and I came back, before we got mugged earlier."
Tina glanced to Wade with surprise as she spoke up on his claim. "Really? Well, that had to be the one that helped our friends here back at the factory. I think I saw the same name on it too!"
"Wouldn't surprise me, seeing all that's happened today." Wade replied as he chortled a bit, Tina doing the same as the former spoke further. "I wonder, what kind of ship is the... Vickers again? You know?"
"Autumn class, dear. A heavy destroyer variant, not as strong as those enormous Yamato dreadnoughts or Adelaide battlecruisers, but she'll put up a good fight for whatever comes at her." Tina explained as she held back another chuckle, thinking of her education on various USN craft as she teased Wade lightly. "You know, I may just have to grab one of those ship roster tabs when we get in the base. I'd love to show you all they got in their arsenal."
Wade chortled again as he gave his thoughts on the idea. "Well, it wouldn't be bad to have a little more knowledge in ship-story."
Tina almost burst out laughing at his crude pun, Wade smiling at her as F and Nathan jogged over to the two, the latter carrying his own backpack behind him as he spoke. "Well, not a bad place, huh? You guys heading to the clearance station?"
"Oh yes, we were just admiring the ships around us while we walked." Tina said with a stifled laugh, easing herself as she chatted with her new friends. Wade, however, was quickly overcome with panic as he remembered something. Checking his pockets, his fears were confirmed as he failed to find one of his key possessions: his ID card. Wade felt he must have lost it when he was stripped of his old clothing while in the factory.
Oh no, guys? I don't think I can pass through." Wade said with greenish-yellow circles for eyes as Tina and the others looked to him in concern, the drone feeling through his pockets once more before stating his issue. "My ID, they must've taken it off me when they turned me into a disassembly drone!" Wade began to hyperventilate lightly as he grew fearful of the potential outcomes when they reached the security gate ahead. "Oouuugghh, if I don't have my ID, they'll have to keep me lo-"
"Wade, Wade... it's okay. I'll have them make a pass for you, surely we can get them to after getting them to understand what's happened." Tina stated as she put her hand to Wade's chest, who eased his panic as he looked to his girlfriend.
"Yeah, and besides Wade, those people over there went around gathering what ever items the company stole from the drones during their conversion. I'm sure that once they find it, they'll have it sent off to be given back to you!" Nathan said as F nodded in agreement, shunting Wade's panic out of him with their words as he replied to the hopeful responses.
"Right, yeah, they should do that. Sorry." Holding Tina's hand, Wade spoke to her once more. "Lead the way."
Tina nodded to Wade before the two began to walk over to the security gate nearby, several people, drones and humans alike, already in the line as they checked themselves in to the base to relax after the hard-fought battle. Once they reached the line, the four stood together as they waited for the line to slowly go up, more troops and rescued drones coming over to add to the long line. During the wait, a loud, mechanical 'SLAM' erupted through the air, prompting Wade and Tina to glance over to the direction of the noise. The two felt at ease once more as they saw the Vickers finally landed at the base, the loud clang being the docking clamps attaching to the ships hull just moments ago.
As the line moved up further to the gate, Wade and Tina caught sight of a pair of A-20 aircraft passing over them, the two watching as the planes slowed down while descending onto the runway nearby. The four drones' collective viewing of the fighters landing ceased as they caught sight of J, who took flight as she departed the transport nearby before flying over to the tents near the hangar bays.
"Huh, wonder what she's over there for?" Nathan said as he observed J landing onto the ground in front of one of the tents.
"Probably checking on the drones we got back, or meeting up with one of those commanders there." F said as she motioned an arm towards the tents, J walking under one as she made her way to one of the soldiers coming over to her. "Seems like the latter, from the looks of it."
Wade shrugged as he responded to the group's pondering over J's actions. "Well, she'll be here with us if we need her, right? Shouldn't be much to worry about."
Returning their focus to the line ahead, Wade and his team waited as the line moved up over the next few minutes, moving impressively fast as the people in front cleared themselves in one at a time. Eventually, the four of them were up, Tina stepping up to show her ID for clearance. "Hello, it's been a busy day, hasn't it?"
The security agent smirked at Tina's small-talk. "Hah, not too busy here until you all showed up."
As the guard finished scanning Tina's ID, she handed the card back to her as she raised a finger to begin her request. "Oh, um, there's a little issue we need to resolve." Putting a hand to Wade's arm, Tina explained her boyfriend. "This is my dear friend Wade, Wade Carter. We both managed to escape that blasted factory with the help of those Coalition folks there." Wade gave a pleading look as Tina continued. "Unfortunately, Wade was converted into a disassembly drone before he was rescued, and it seems those people at the company took all his belongings he had on him, including his ID. Do you think there's... anyway you could write up something to let him by?"
Stepping forward, F gave her end of the story. "I can vouch for him, Ma'am. Wade and I we're among the teams helping in getting the worker drones out of the factory during the operation." The disassembly drone pulled out a pair of cards as she finished her explanation, one of them being her company-issued Disassembly Service Passcard, which resembled a normal civilian ID in appearance, save for the 'JCJenson (In Spaaace!) Logo on the top left and hazard markings around the rim of the card. As for the other card, it was a well worn, still legitimate ID card, showing F as how she appeared when she was a worker drone. At the side of her picture was a name with an initial. "FELICITY A LEE"
Taking the two cards in her hand, she looked them over and scanned them as Nathan tried to back Wade up as well. "So can I, Ma'am! I helped there too, when he was under the company's control. We all got him out of the factory so we could get him back in order." Pulling out his own ID, Nathan handed it out as the guard returned F's IDs to her.
The guard accepted Nathan's ID as she spoke over what to do with Wade. "Well, normally it takes clearance from higher ranked personnel here to allow someone inside without a legitimate form of identification. We can't just take someone's word on things like this, after all." Tina seemed to frown in disappointment as the guard explained her protocols, Wade looking down at the ground as he felt his worries were about to be proven correct. Going over Nathan's ID further, she gave an intrigued expression at the card before continuing. "Huh, interesting. Got two veteran folks here, I see?" She glanced to Nathan and F as she said that, taking into account their former military background as the former spoke up.
"Three, actually. My pal Kurtis is somewhere back there, I think. He should be heading down here later this evening." The guard glanced back at Nathan's ID as she took in the veteran drone's reply, sighing as she decided to make a slight amendment to the issue put before her and the four friends.
"Well, seeing you two here, I believe I can write something up. The Major won't be happy with me for this, but I think I can trust you with appropriate behavior." Taking a small sticky name-tag, the woman pulled out a pen before starting to write on it. Initially, she glanced to Wade, who stated his name again before she began to write his name on the tag. Once she was finished, the guard gave the tag to Wade, who slapped it onto his jacket before she spoke to him. "You should be fine to enter for the most part, just stick close to your friends and don't cause any trouble. Understood?"
Wade gave a stern salute to the security officer, who held back a chuckle at the honest, yet amusing effort the disassembly drone showed to her. Giving a simple nod and a flick of her hand, she permitted Wade and his friends entrance to the base, the four walking past the walkway barricades as they made their way past the gate.
Wade let out a heavy sigh of relief as he thanked his allies. "I owe you both so much for this, thanks!"
"Don't mention it, Wade." F said warmly as she and Nathan laughed at his joyful face.
"Yeah, just doing what any good friend should." Nathan said as Tina wrapped an arm around Wade, holding him tightly as the two walked together.
Looking to his girlfriend, Wade spoke to Tina about what to do next. "Well, since we're in, you wanna go fi-" He ceased his words as he remembered that there was someone else they needed to find amongst the base. "Oh, I almost forgot about her,"
"Jasmine!" Tina and Wade said aloud together as the former remembered her sister, Wade's words snapping her mind to Jasmine in an instant. "We should look for her, you think she might be here somewhere?"
"Probably. If they got Ron after they captured me, they have to 've picked her up too." Wade stated, Nathan raising a hand as he offered to help.
"I could go looking for her! You know what she looks like?" Readying a holo-projector, he tried to display an image of Jasmine from one of his many memories of her. The picture was, while pixelated and under a blue hue, incredibly well-detailed. And for Nathan, that was all he needed to see to note Jasmine's appearance in his memory. Nodding, he spoke again to his friends. "Got it! I'll see if she's around!" Then, turning to run down one of the paths leading to a nearby base facility, he stopped as he asked one more question. "Oh! One more thing, you got a smartcomm on ya, Wade?"
Readying one from his holo-projector hand, he nodded as he spoke into it. "Seems so, though I don't seem to have all my contacts added in."
Running back over, Nathan pulled out his own smartcomm before putting it up against Wade's hand one, allowing the two devices to exchange information. Upon the devices beeping, Wade and Nathan nodded to each other, the former ignoring a pop-up that stated, "New Contact Added" while the latter spoke once more. "Okay, I'll call you once I spot her!" With that, he began running down the path once more, intent on finding Tina's sister at the base, wherever she could be.
"Fowley! Her last name's Fowley!" Tina said aloud to the departing Nathan, hoping he heard her words before turning away from the miner drone and facing Wade and F again.
As Tina sighed in partial relief, Wade put his own arm around her before asking the question he tried to ask before. "So, uh, with that out of the way for now... You wanna go look for one of those ship tabs?"
Putting a hand to Wade's chest, Tina smiled as she replied. "Oh, certainly." Then, as the three began walking down a different path that Nathan hadn't taken, the pilot drone continued with a chuckle. "I hear they have a place here that sells model kits too!"
...
Jasmine sat in silent sorrow as she took another gulp of her glass of Proxi-Vodka, a tasty, but heavy alcoholic beverage produced at the colony of Proxima 2... and one of Jasmine's preferred drinks to have when she wasn't in a good mood. When she awoke after being stunned by the station guards, she found that she was just recovered by a group that called themselves the 'United Earth Coalition', and that her drone friend, Tina, was unfortunately taken by the JCJenson corporation to be turned into one of their horrid disassembly drones. While the people that saved her offered to help her find Tina, so far there had been no luck in doing so. No successful calls, no response from Wade nor Ron, nothing.
The whole situation widdled at her like scrapes to her form, slowly draining any bit of hope that she had in finding her sister. And once the mission at that factory was over, the ship began heading back to the Nellis Base to escort the recovered drones back to a safe area. Unfortunately for Jasmine, Tina's presence was not given confirmation. Alone, she walked off to one of the bars down at the base, specifically Drexler's Cantina, one of the more popular bars down at the military starport. Thankfully, though she didn't openly exhibit feelings of wanting to be alone in her wallowing, she was glad the place was nearly barren of patrons, with only a few at a couple of tables within the bar.
The stage at the back of the bar also had a few singer drones performing aloud, the lead singer girl reciting the words of a quiet, yet exciting song that, instrumentally, consisted of a strange mix of bass, techno, and a hint of opera. The song itself was one Jasmine had heard a good many times before in her life, known as, 'You Complete My World' by a decades old Earth band by the name of HeartStar. The song, as Jasmine and many others who'd heard it interpreted it, was about someone who described their world like a puzzle, and that the one whom the main singer cared for beyond all was the only thing that could keep their world from shattering into ruin before them.
An oddly fitting tune, given what had just happened on the JCJ Central earlier. For all Jasmine knew, Tina was either alive beyond her knowledge, hopefully searching for her wherever she could, or, the answer Jasmine feared... Dead.
Not wanting to even consider the thought, the human pilot took another swig of the colonial Vodka, relishing in its taste before forcing herself to swallow, almost gagging from the strength of the drink. Easing herself, she glanced out to one of the windows of the bar, taking the faint glimpse of night into her eyes. Then, looking to the clock at the wall ahead of her, she saw the time was about a little over an hour to 10 pm. Jasmine gave a sigh to herself, certain she would be alone for the rest of the night.
Unbeknownst to her, however, Jasmine had been spied upon a little while ago. Nathan, in his search for the woman Tina called Jasmine Fowley, had spotted a woman matching the physical appearance of the target. Knowing Jasmine wouldn't know who he was if he tried to talk to her himself, Nathan immediately went looking for Wade, easing his return to his team by calling the former worker drone and signaling him about his findings.
Deciding to check on the news, Jasmine slowly pulled out her smartcomm, resisting her urge to press the contacts button as she tapped the news app. Looking through it, she spotted a recent story that was posted just over an hour ago, titled, "JCJenson 'Recall' effort sabotaged by joint Government/Militia forces! The Truth Exposed!" Above the article was a video, a play button in front of it teasing Jasmine. Curious over this sudden development, she pressed the button, her attention in complete focus on the video as it began to play.
After the news station's logo appeared on-screen for a short few seconds, the current host for the story, Mrs. Tiffany Joy, appeared at her seat before beginning the story. "Good evening, this is Nevada-78, I'm your host, Tiffany Joy. Tonight, we start with a rapid development for the 'drone recall' incidents propagated by the business conglomerate JCJenson In Space. Throughout the afternoon up to now, several advanced factories under the ownership of the corporation have fallen under violent assault by various militarized forces, ranging from official United Nations operatives to private militia groups with varying goals." The small screen to Joy's left shifted to show the state of Nevada, zooming into it to show a portion of the Mojave desert as Joy continued her story.
"Among these facilities, one such factory based right here in southern Nevada has recently succumbed to the successful efforts of the USN Defense Force and a group by the name of the United Earth Coalition, an alliance consisting of humans and automatons working to create a unified world for both species." The screen shifted again to show the logo for the UEC, which appeared as one half of a human head outline and another of a drone's, along with two arms behind the heads belonging to both beings pictured. "With the attack having concluded just hours ago, we have reporters gathering at the New Nellis Staryards near Henderson City to bring you the aftermath of the conflict. We go to Mr. Jelico, on the scene in five."
The camera shifted after the countdown of five to show Mr. Jelico in front of the camera, the cameraman filming a large tent housing several worker drones being tended to by the base soldiers. "Alright, Jelico here, we're on station at New Nellis. What you're all seeing here are some of the recovered worker drones, many of them were pretty spooked by the events that unfolded in that factory earlier." As the camera panned over the lot of drones, some of them looked to the camera, curious at the news crew filming them as Jelico continued. "A few of them are real glad to be here, Joy. Seems like they feel safe here, as far as I can tell."
As the camera moved to show Jelico again, a plane could be seen taking off as he spoke. "Yeah, these people did them quite a service. The staff here are working to find their original owners and families, it'll probably be a little bit before they can get them all home." The camera switched once again to another view of the base, the lights of various buildings illuminating the night as the news story continued.
At the entrance, Nathan pushed open the door to the bar, the chime failing to catch anyone's attention as he, Wade, F and Tina stepped inside. Carefully pointing at Jasmine, he whispered to Tina, "That's her, from the looks of it. She's been here for a good minute!"
Taking another drink of the Proxi-Vodka, Jasmine listened further to the story. "The authorities didn't just recover a majority of the worker drones taken into the factory, however. A recent update provided by Mrs. Yuka, shows her interviewing a disassembly drone who claims to be among the unfortunate drones the assault force failed to save before their conversion."
"Jasmine!" Tina called out, the voice instantly grabbing the woman's attention as she paused the news story. Swiftly turning her head, her heart began pounding with immense excitement as she saw her drone sister, who grinned upon seeing her face.
"Tina!" Jasmine said aloud, somewhat weakly from her previous wallowing as she tried to run over to her sister, landing on her knees as the two embraced in a flush of emotions. Wade and his friends stood behind the two girls as they hugged each other, clinging onto one another as tightly as they could give. Jasmine seemed to erupt with a pained cough as she allowed some of her sorrow out of her heart, Tina carressing her back in a comforting manner as she held back her own tears. The sisters held the hug for a long moment, not daring to let go of one another for fear of losing each other again. Eventually, however, they did, the two sisters taking heavy breaths as Jasmine spoke up while wiping her face. "I thought I'd lost you."
"Can't say I didn't feel the same way, love." Tina replied as she broke out in light laughter, glancing to Wade before continuing. "But, fortunately, those Coalition boys helped out quite a bit. Though, not as much as my knight in his new armor."
Standing herself up, Jasmine took Tina's helping hand as she looked to the one her sister spoke of. A grateful smile formed on Jasmine's face as she saw Wade, standing in front of her and Tina as he returned the expression. Looking upon her family friend, Jasmine noticed something... different about Wade. He was taller now, his arms were shaped like white cones rather than the silver bendy tubes he and Tina normally had. As for his face, his pure green eyes were replaced with a set of greenish-yellow ones, and above his forehead was a band holding five yellow bulbs that she didn't know the function of.
While the pieces started to click together in her head, Jasmine took Wade's held out hand as she spoke to him. "Wade, I'm so glad to see you! You look different, too. Did something... happen to you?" She already guessed it by this point, but feigned confusion as she opted to hear Wade's take on the matter.
"Yeah, I hope you don't mind your sister dating a vampire from now on." Tina chortled in amusement at Wade's comment at himself, Jasmine raising an eyebrow in confusion at the former worker drone as he returned his expression to a more sincere smile. "The company got me too, and unlike the workers we got out... they managed to turn me into a disassembly drone. From now on, I'm gonna need to take in more oil than I usually did before I was turned. My cooling system's not as good as it should be, from what I've heard." Pulling out his two full canteens, Wade finished his partial explanation. "Don't worry, though. I've got some to keep me down."
Jasmine took in the news with immense surprise, noticing the hazard stripes at the rims of Wade's arms as she replied to her friend. "Oh... Well, if Tina's fine with it, then I see no problem with that, Wade." Admittedly, she was a bit unnerved by the change, concerned for both him and Tina's safety due to this supposed oil coolant issue. Trying to sound as nice as she could on the matter, Jasmine hesitantly asked Wade, "Though... I am a bit concerned with that bad cooling problem you mention. You... don't think you would-"
"Hurt Tina?!" Wade assumed, understanding Jasmine's concern as he gave a horrified glance to the two sisters. Standing with his fists to his hips, he gave his answer to Jasmine's presumed question. "Don't even say such a thing, Jasmine. I'd rather overheat than dare strike her."
Admittedly amused as well as concerned for Wade's selflessness, Tina chuckled at him before speaking up on the matter. "Now now, Wade. It won't be so bad. We'll manage."
Jasmine nodded as she agreed with her sister's optimistic view on the problem. "Indeed we will, we always do." Then, taking notice of the other two drones in the room, Jasmine smiled at them before speaking again. "Ah, I see you brought some friends too."
Wade and Tina glanced over to Nathan and F upon Jasmine's statement, the two friends smiling pleasantly as Wade spoke up. "Oh, yeah. These are some of my work buddies from Ceres, Jasmine. This is Nathan, I first met him when Ron and I came to the mines, showed us around a bit too." Putting a hand on F's shoulder, Wade introduced her too. "And this is Serial Designation F, or, just F. She was one of the guards keeping watch on the place while we worked."
F seemed to blush out of embarrassment as she remembered her and Wade's first meeting. "I... did come off a little rough on them when they first came in, though. Stopped Nathan's touring run too. Just following colony protocol."
Nathan patted F's back as he tried to ease F's guilt. "Oh, it's nothing F. We had to start work in a few minutes anyway. Besides, it's a bit more fun exploring the place yourself without a guide." He winked at the others as he finished his praise. "Trust me, it really is."
Wade, Tina and Jasmine all chuckled at their friend's amusing words, F joining in as she replied to Nathan's encouragement. "Alright, alright."
Walking up to the two, Tina put her hand onto Nathan's as she gave her own praises. "And they may not look like it, dear, but Nathan and F were both formerly in the military, from what Wade's told me."
Jasmine gave a proud smirk at the two as she responded to her sister's claim. "Well, that's quite something. Did she tell you we used to fly for them some years back?"
"Oh, she did, Mrs. Fowley." Nathan replied as he chuckled lightly, F giving a smile of her own as she added her own part to the story.
"Yeah, and given what's happening now, maybe they might call you back for service again. Wade told me you two were excellent pilots."
It was now Jasmine's turn to blush as she chuckled from the compliment, knowing Wade's high praise for her and her sister's flying as she replied. "Well, I can't say that's wrong, Tina saved the day during the flight back here. We ran into an asteroid cluster while in the middle of a jump."
Wade patted Tina on her back as he quietly cheered his love on. "That's what I'm talking about, she's a wonder among the stars, I'm telling you!"
The group fell into an excited fit of laughter at the conversation, a few of the bar patrons taking notice of the bunch as they eventually ceased their joyful moment.
As everyone calmed down, Jasmine spoke up, intending to bring the discussion to another place. "Well, with all that said, it feels great to see you all here. It was such a terrible day after all those company folk showed up." Then, as she scanned the group of friends around her, she noticed someone else missing from this puzzle. "Hey, uh... is Ron here? Did he head off somewhere?"
The mood was quickly put down to a mournful aura as Wade and Tina glanced to the floor in sadness, Nathan and F giving uncomfortable postures as they awaited for someone to speak up on the matter.
Eventually, Wade was the one to open his mouth, breathing steadily as he tried to speak to Jasmine. "Um, Jasmine? Things, uh... really took a nose dive after we got captured. You think we could find a place to sit? It's a lot to talk about."
Looking to the four drones with concern, Jasmine eased her returning fear as she nodded to Wade in agreement. "...Sure, there's plenty of space at the table here." Pointing her arm to the table, which was surrounded by a U-shaped seating bench, Wade and his friends began to move to the table as Tina spoke up.
"I can get us some drinks for the talk, you all want anything?"
"Just some oil, thanks. "Wade answered as F and Nathan gave their own nods to Tina, the drone girl walking over to the bartender near the stage as she went to purchase some beverages.
Sitting down, Jasmine picked up her smartcomm from the table, glancing to it as she spoke up on her half-finished drink. "Heh, and to think I was drowning myself in this drag of a drink before. Probably have to find a different glass."
"Proxi-Vodka? Haven't seen you touch that since we lost Aunt Susan." Wade said solemnly as he examined Jasmine's drink, sighing as he reluctantly continued. "Well, maybe it can go for a few more sips."
Looking to the vodka, Jasmine nodded as she put her smartcomm in her pocket. "I figured, I didn't think this was gonna sound good."
"I wish it did." Wade replied as Tina walked back to the table, a plate of three oil glasses resting on her careful hand as she set it down.
After delivering the drinks, Tina took a seat next to Wade, holding his hand as Jasmine spoke up. "So, where do we start this terrible story?"
Wade gulped a bit as he began to recount the events that transpired today. "Well, it all started when Ron and I came back from the mining colony."

I am so unsure about my wife.

Dear Reddit. I come to you with my hat in my hand as I do not know what to do. I am split down the middle in terms of self respect, love, and fear.

I 36(M) have known my wife 35(F), since we were 18, and have been married since 2016

We have 2 kids M(8), F(9), a house, jobs, cars, dogs.

But things from the past have now come back to haunt me, and I am unsure about everything, about respect, love, pride, attractiveness, safe to say my mind is in the biggest turmoil it has ever been. I’m going to cut straight to the chase, with a little about me in order to get my point across as clear as I can.

We met young, and I found my soulmate with no prior experience with woman. She was my first everything, while I know that she has had a few sexual partners. This didn’t bother me at first, but years down the line I found out that while I was head over heels for this girl, she met with a random guy and had sex. (We were not a couple then, but became a few weeks later) She has not had many sexual partners; from what I’ve been told I am her 7th partner.

I must admit still to this day that, this episode doesn’t affect me much anymore, but with all that has/is happening right now its re-surfaces and stings like a needle.

Throughout our relationship she has done things that crosses my boundaries. Let me come with the examples here:

1) We were at a party with mutual friends, and one of our friends was hooking up with a guy, we went into their room and started teasing them as they were making out. Out of the blue, my wife, then girlfriend, grabbed his crotch and said “It’s not even hard” right in front of me, I obviously got furious, and we had a fight but made up over a few days.

2) During her school year, she had to travel to Germany with her class, and be with a German family as part of her education, sort of like an exchange student. While she was in Germany she went out with her entire class for drinks, and from what she says there was a few guys that was making moves on her, and since she got drunk and had no way to figure out how to get home safe to her exchange family, she decided to head home with one of her male classmates to his exchange family and went to sleep in his room. As she put it, he slept on the floor, and she slept in the bed. And he was a friend, not one of those making moves.

3) We were once again with mutual friends at a BBQ and was later heading out into the cityLife to hit up bars and discos. Me and my best friend were on the toilet, putting wax in our hair, putting on fresh cologne and all that jazz. She the suddenly burst in, saying she really needs to pee, proceeds to pull down her pants and thong, honestly from what I remember you could see everything. We had a big fight about this again.


4) This episode was last summer during two mutual friends that got married. She was the toastmaster, and after all was done, she needed to do a wardrobe change. We went to our hotel room; she got changed to another more comfortable dress. While walking back, we could see some of our mutual friends with their husbands, and she decided to lift up her entire dress up to the start of her bra and do a silly side-to-side dance. Everyone saw it no questions asked. I again got furious, and I told her calmly, that I will not tolerate this, and be disrespected like this, there is other men seeing what only I should be seeing. She apologized immediately, and I said, I don’t want to talk more about this now, as I don’t want to ruin the night. We didn’t talk about it afterwards.

5) This is a month ago. She was celebrating her 35 birthday and went out with all her girls. One of her girlfriends is addicted to social media, and she must post everything. I have a very strict rule when it comes to nights out, this goes both ways.

1. Don’t dance with other men!
2. Don’t go away from the venue alone!
3. Don’t take a pirate taxi, or a normal taxi home, call me instead!
4. Don’t flirt (This is a grey area, you cannot define flirting so if she flirts a little it’s fine, but don’t overdo it kind of way)
At this party I saw a video from the social media addicted girlfriend of hers on her snapchat story of my wife dancing and having a blast, she looked so good, and so happy, and I smiled when I saw it, quickly my smile faded away as a guy approached holding out both his hands towards my wife, and she looked different then, I can’t put it as to why, it’s like her personality changed, she looked very keen on going with this guy, to the dance floor, the exit, the toilets I don’t know because I could not see much from the video. What happened next is one of her other girlfriends grabbed her hard and pulled her away from the guy and the video ended.

I was the designated driver that night, so when she would call me in the night, I would come pick up her, and girlfriends and drive them home safely. But I got a call from one of her girlfriends that they could not find my wife anywhere and that she has been gone for like 30 minutes, they asked if I could track her from “Find my iPhone” but I have not saved her location so I could not. I got scared that she broke rule nr. 2 and that something bad might have happened.

Also in my mind, I thought about the video I saw, and then all else mentioned above. All the instances where she crossed my boundaries came flooding in. I am not proud of it. My first thought was her safety, the second thought was, did she envelope with this guy, and is doing something a married woman should not. Her girlfriend that called me, called me back 10 minutes later, saying they found her, and that she was just escorting the social media addicted girlfriend to her car, as she was not drinking, she basically broke rule nr. 2. I got relieved she was ok. But the pit in my stomach was still there.

I later picked them all up, and on the whole drive my wife obviously drunk, kept talking about nothing than men/boys “And then there was this guy” “And this guy looked like name of a friend we know” “and this guy reminded me so much of our boy” on and on, I was upset at this point, not showing it, but in my head I wanted to scream. All these emotions, all these times my line was crossed, the sex she had with another guy while I was in love with her. I know this is some sort of PTSD.

We got home, I put her to bed. And a few days went by, where I was silent, hurt, and went to the gym as much as I could as I could not look at her without being sad, hurt, angry. After about a week when we were lying in bed, I told her not to say anything but just to listen. It went something like this (it was not smooth at all, but I needed to get it out)

“In all our time together, you have touched a man’s crotch in front of me, went with another man and slept in the same room, not that I think anything happened between you two. You have basically shown your lady part, and butt to one of my best friends with me being present, at the wedding you decided to flash nearly your entire body to your girlfriends and their husbands in front of me, and lately at your birthday party (I explained the video) and then you were gone for like 40 minutes with no one knowing where you were. I’m not saying you did anything, but can you see how all of this puts a boulder in my stomach?”

She cried and said we have talked about this before, and we have, many times. I let say her piece. But in my mind, it went something like this:

“Yes we have talked about it many times before, but you keep triggering everything by crossing my boundaries, and you know it, so don’t cry and play the victim, this is your fault, and just because we have talked about it 2-4 times doesn’t mean that my feelings just disappear, feelings takes times, and when you constantly say sorry but then do it again, how am I suppose to heal?” I know I should have said this out loud, but I just got so small in the moment, as I opened up about some deep feelings.

This brings me to now. Why I am reaching out for external inputs on how to proceed.

I feel emasculated as a man, I feel disrespected, I do not feel like the most important person for her, I’m angry, hurt, and all of this has led me down following options none of which I want to do, but I feel like I must in order to respect myself, and say enough is enough.
1) I have been thinking of divorce.
2) Swallow my pride and move on, maybe talk it over with a professional.
3) Continue as always.
4) Give her an ultimatum, that if she crosses any of these in the future, I am gone for good.
It’s all very hard, because I love her so much, I love my kids, I don’t want to destroy everything. But I can’t handle being disrespected and emasculated any longer, and have my boundaries crossed again.

I trust her fully when she says nothing has ever happened, she is not that kind of girl, but you can always be surprised down the road.
Am I controlling, is this all justified in your eyes, am I wrong?
Any help, tips, how to proceed, personal opinions is welcome.
TL;DR Wife keeps crossing boundaries in the relationship, should I leave or stay?

Been on Propecia for 5 years, had tons of regrowth and stabilization since. Thing is, I have to get the brand name from treated.com, which costs me a lot of money.
I can get TEVA generic finasteride 1mg for waaay cheaper at my pharmacy. I've switched a few times, but every time I've shed a bit and the itch came back, so I've chickened out and switched to Propecia again.
I have been relentlessy googling but I can't find any case of anyone get just a little bit of regrowth with Teva finasteride alone, even though people say it's "trusted". In fact, most guys here have written "stabilized and then i lost some volume" so I don't actually think it's working very well at all. Propecia has been a godsend for my aggressive hair loss.
So I'm asking: has any of you had regrowth with Teva? Or at leeeeeast maintained without regressing further? Otherwise I think I'd rather work a couple extra hours a month to not lose my hair. Thank you!

Hello Reddit community!
I’m embarking on an exciting journey to launch a funny Belgian brand and I’m in search of a talented apparel and accessories designer to join me on this creative adventure. Whether you’re a seasoned professional with a portfolio to show or simply a passionate hobbyist with fresh ideas, I’d love to collaborate with you!
What I’m Looking For:

• Expertise or interest in fashion design, particularly in creating a cohesive look for a brand.
• Ability to brainstorm and finalize the front-end design of our brand name, ensuring it’s eye-catching and memorable.
• A keen eye for color schemes that will make our accessories and clothing line stand out.
• Creativity to infuse unique designs onto our existing product range, adding that special touch that defines our brand’s character.

About the Brand: The brand is all about fun and personality, reflecting the quirky spirit of Belgium. We already have a concept for the brand name and a line of products ready to be spruced up with your creative flair.
If you have the skills or the enthusiasm to contribute, please reach out! Let’s create something amazing together.
Looking forward to your responses and portfolio links!
Cheers!

Hello Reddit community!
I’m embarking on an exciting journey to launch a funny Belgian brand and I’m in search of a talented apparel and accessories designer to join me on this creative adventure. Whether you’re a seasoned professional with a portfolio to show or simply a passionate hobbyist with fresh ideas, I’d love to collaborate with you!
What I’m Looking For:

• Expertise or interest in fashion design, particularly in creating a cohesive look for a brand.
• Ability to brainstorm and finalize the front-end design of our brand name, ensuring it’s eye-catching and memorable.
• A keen eye for color schemes that will make our accessories and clothing line stand out.
• Creativity to infuse unique designs onto our existing product range, adding that special touch that defines our brand’s character.

About the Brand: The brand is all about fun and personality, reflecting the quirky spirit of Belgium. We already have a concept for the brand name and a line of products ready to be spruced up with your creative flair.
If you have the skills or the enthusiasm to contribute, please reach out! Let’s create something amazing together.
Looking forward to your responses and portfolio links!
Cheers!

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INTA stands for the International Trademark Association. It is a global organization dedicated to supporting trademarks and related intellectual property to promote consumer trust, economic growth, and innovation worldwide. INTA brings together brand owners, trademark professionals, government officials, and academics to collaborate on issues related to trademark law, policy, and practice. The association provides educational resources, networking opportunities, advocacy efforts, and research initiatives to help its members navigate the complexities of trademark protection and enforcement. INTA plays a crucial role in shaping the landscape of intellectual property rights and fostering best practices in trademark management and protection on a global scale.

A few years ago I was living in a flat in Manchester with a couple of friends. A guy and a girl. The girl we will call 'L'
When I first met L I wasn't in a great place. I'd been through a lot in my life: parental neglect, childhood sexual abuse, rape in adulthood, sex work. I was damaged and alone and I needed a friend. When I met L she scooped me up, would hang out with me almost every day, message me every day, introduced me to her friends and I thought my life was starting to get a bit better.
Quite early on in our friendship I started to feel a bit anxious. L had said I was her best friend, but we had only known eachother maybe a month or 2 and so I said to her that I didn't feel ready to say it back. I was worried she was love bombing me. But as time went on and we moved into a flat together we became very much best friends.
I think one of the reasons we bonded so much was because we had both experienced sexual violence and abuse in our lives. L was also quite traumatised by what she had been through in life.
L had been violently raped by an ex boyfriend. The assault had left her hospitalised. We will call the ex bf 'O'.
The assault from O had happened a few years prior to me and L meeting. She told me all about it. But, while we were living together, L made the decision to invite O over to our flat for sex. Yep, the guy that had violently raped her. She invited that man in to our home. I thought it was pretty clear from this that L had some real issues, so I chose not to pass judgment and to instead show love and compassion. L told me to keep what she had done a secret as she said that if people found out they wouldn't want to know her anymore. So I kept it a secret for months, to protect her.
Fast forward 6 months. I'm dating a guy, we will call him 'C'. We'd been on one date and had been talking for a couple weeks. He was an incredible person. He did charity work, he was a creative like me, he had clearly done a lot of self work and appeared to be the perfect guy. I felt a connection very quickly.
Then one day I decided to google him. And I found the article that would change my life forever. I found an article about C, stating that he had spent time in prison for stalking and harassment.
As I'm sure you can imagine I was completely and utterly shocked by finding that article. I've been through a lot in my life but when I saw that headline my ears started ringing and my brain just stopped for a moment. This is what trauma feels like when it's happening.
After a few moments to digest this information I burst out of my room in tears and called out for my best friend L. I needed her so badly. I needed my friend.
When I showed L the article about C, she became angry. Angry at me! She demanded that I block him immediately and started making comments about how I was inviting a dangerous person in to our lives. She accused me of this after inviting her own rapist over for sex! L also made comments such as 'what if he attacks me' as though this was happening to her. She turned herself into the victim.
I had spent time with C and although the article was truly awful, I just couldn't understand how this was the same person. He seemed so genuine and kind and compassionate. I contacted him after finding the article. I was still in quite severe shock at this point. I asked him about the article and his response was that he wished he could have told me about it himself. He explained to me that he used to have a severe drinking problem, he'd done awful things in his life which he had paid for. He spent 3 months in prison for what he did. And he hadn't touched alcohol since. All of this had happened 3 years before we met. He had been sober for 3 years. I admired him for managing to make something of himself despite having such a scathing mark against his character floating around on the Internet for the world to see.
Within 48 hours of me finding that article L called everyone we knew and told them about it. She even contacted people close to my family to tell them I was 'dating a rapist' even though C had never actually physically hurt anyone.
Within 48 hours of me finding that article Ls friends were openly picking on my and excluding me. She had worked so quickly. It actually reminds me of something I heard about called a 'narcissistic attack' in which the perpetrator purposefully turns people against someone in order to socially ostracise them.
I lost almost everyone.
I very much believed C. I chose to continue dating him. But the hell L was putting me through made it difficult for the relationship to work. Me and L were still living together. She had said I wasn't allowed to bring C anywhere near the flat. So ofc I agreed. L was making my life a daily misery, with off hand remarks, social isolation and verbal attacks. She turned all the new people I had met against me. She branded me as the 'girl who would date a stalker'. And all these people I used to consider friends jumped on the band wagon. Not a single person came to my defense.
I continued to date C for 6 weeks after finding the article. I broke up with him in the end because what L was putting me through was creating resentment that C couldn't possibly handle. He'd been through enough. We did remain friends though. And to this day he is still sober and very much a changed man.
People make mistakes in life. Some people make awful mistakes. I chose to accept C for who he was in the moment, not who he had been years previously. I chose to act with compassion and understanding and the person that was supposed to be my friend completely betrayed me.
I have been through a lot in my life but to be so betrayed by a friend is very traumatic. Especially after putting faith and trust in that friend. Especially after being there for that friend when she had done far far worse.
It's been over 2 years since this all happened and I'm still dealing with the PTSD. It's the public humiliation that has been so damaging to me. It's the going to a friend for support in a time of need and instead of them being there for me they tried to destroy me.
It's been over 2 years and I still have nightmares and wake up in tears.
And to this day I havnt told any of her friends about what she did with O. I was going to tell everyone about it at first but I made the conscious choice to not be that person. And instead I just walked away.
Looking back I really wish I had stood up for myself more. Maybe then L would have realised what she was doing.
I still get so angry. It's so hard to move on. I can't go a day without reliving what she did to me. I'm so tired.