Timestamp: https://imgur.com/1lOe6l8
Hey all, back with some Send-it Sunday goodness:
GUN STUFF

• SOLD (x2) HK VP70 18-Round Mags - Picked these up as part of a bundle. They're used, but in great shape, very clean overall. SV $60 each, or $100 for both, TV $70 each, or $120 for both
  
• SOLD Blade-Tech Dual Pistol Mag Carrier - Catch-and-release on this one. Blade-Tech Signature dual mag holster with adjustable belt slide. Front screw to adjust tension. Works great, just takes up too much room where I want to mount it. - SV $15/ TV $20
  
• Agency Arms EDC Glock 19 Gen 3 Magwell - Also fits Glock 23 and 32. Used but in great shape, but it's missing the hex keys to adjust the screws. It's a quality product, I'm just more of a Sig guy, no matter how I dress up a Glock, lol. - SV $65/TV $75
  
• Magpul Glock 19 Gen 3 Magwell - This was a bit of a disappointment. There's nothing wrong with it, and it works, but it just didn't actually seem to improve loading the mags for me, at least not without a bit of fitting that I wasn't interested in doing. - SV $5 with any other purchase/TV $10 with any other purchase
  
• Clakit and OneTigris Black MOLLE Phone Holsters - Decent pouches, but I run my kits in OCP or Green. Both have a soft liner inside to protect the phone, and both are pretty decently sized, should hold all but the biggest phones. - SV $20 for both/TV $25 for both
  
• EDIT: Forgot a couple pouches!
  
• (x3) ABU JFAK Pouches w/Tourniquet Holsters - These are empty Air Force JFAK (Joint First Aid Kit) MOLLE pouches in the ABU (similar to ACU) pattern. All are in unissued shape, and each includes (x2) ABU MOLLE Tourniquet holsters. - SV $20 ea or $50 for all/TV $25 ea or $60 for all
  
• Woodland Camo Medical Pouch - Surplus from back in the day. Empty, in like-new condition, ready for all your mid-west LARPing needs! - SV $15/TV $20
  

KNIVES

• Boker Magnum Drop Point Automatic Knife - This thing is actually pretty sweet! A classy little discontinued Auto in AUS8 with a good action and great centering. Has a couple minor scuffs, but is overall very clean! Feels great in the hand, and carries well. - SV $25/TV $30
  
• Buck Trio Pocket Knife - Brand new in the box. I'd sent an older discontinued model in for repair, and they replaced it with this one. - SV $15/TV $20
  
• 4 Pack of Goofy Carabiners - These came as part of a bundle I picked up a while back. They are trying to be Swiss Army Knife carabiners, and all sort-of succeed. I wouldn't trust my life with them, but I would trust my keys, and the tools on them are fairly useful. - SV $15/TV $20
  

MOVIES/TV

• A big HD-DVD Bundle (12 Titles) - This is going to appeal to a VERY specific person, lol. I present to you, a bunch of HD-DVDs! Titles are in the pictures, but some highlights are Apollo 13, Constantine, and U571. All are in good overall shape, but the cover for The Departed is pretty rough. Discs are all in good shape. - SV $30/TV$40
  
• Bundle of Disney Blu-rays (14 titles) - A bundle of newer Disney movies; there's a mix of traditional animated, CG, and live action. All are in great shape, and all include both their blu-ray and DVD, except for Nightmare Before Christmas, which is only the blu-ray. None have any digital codes. - SV $40/TV $45
  
• Hanna-Barbera Complete Series: Speed Buggy and Josie and the Pussycats on DVD - Two DVD collections: the complete series of Speed Buggy and Josie and the Pussycats. Speed Buggy is in great shape, and Josie is still new in package. - SV $15/TV $20
  
• The Magnificent Seven Collection on DVD - A collection of the original 4 Magnificent Seven movies, in a nice DVD boxed set. - SV $5 with any purchase/TV $5 with any purchase
  

VIDEO GAMES

• Skyward Sword (Wii) & Splatoon (WiiU) - Two more classics together. Skyward Sword is in good shape, includes it's manual and soundtrack, and plays on the Wii and WiiU. Splatoon's case is rough, but the game is in great shape! - SV $20/TV$25
  
• Iron Man VR for PS4 - Bought a PSVR recently, and in my frenzy to snatch up games, ended up with two copies of this. It's pretty fun, and as close as you'll get to being Tony Stark this side of the MCU! - SV $10/TV $15
  

TRADE INTERESTS:

• P320/P250 Safariland Level II holster
• A decent minimalist plate carrier in OD or OCP
• Mags (P365, P226, P320/P250, 10/22)
• NRA National Match type service rifle sling
• A Kershaw Emerson CQC-7B
• Gerber Covert Auto

And, that's all I've got! All prices include shipping, like they should. You must speak up in the comments to call dibs! Once you do, we can switch to PM, and go from there. Thanks for looking!

Hi Wagooners! This is my first review and it was a doozy! I hope I get the classic "well done you!" from the admins, but also let me know if I need to add more detail.
Today I am reviewing The Row’s Black Soft Margaux in 10” and 15” sizes, both in the more expensive leather, black smooth leather that is supposed to mark up and age nicely. As the title says, this review is 100% REP SCIENCE. Same bag, same model, different size, different factories, all from the same seller!
Author Expertise:
Fashion college graduate, 20 years in NYC, with good friends who are VP’S at top Fashion houses, including The Row. I have owned, borrowed, and touched many auths. I have owned a handful of reps. I have purchased reps on Canal Street (in early aughts), Panda buy (wegobuy), and lone wolf Reps in China.
I now full-time buy reps and not Auths because of the buyer's remorse. They just aren’t worth that much money and like a car, the value goes down once we walk out that door.
I tend to choose simpler designed bags, in easy to replicate colors, and I avoid hardware as much as possible. So, this brought me to The Row’s Margaux 10 and Margaux 15.
Disclosure (and interesting to note!):
Amelia, my seller, is aware I am doing this review, but did not give me any incentive (nor would i ever accept one!). I DID tell her that I intended to do a Wagoon Review (hoping that would help make sure she sends me the absolute best), which (I think) resulted in her bringing Other Factory into the mix to help promote OF. As I understand it, we think The Row is the latest line to be added to Other Factory.
Seller Contact:
Whatsapp Ameila. I chose Amelia because she checked off all the boxes for me: Fast Communication, no fluff or niceties, and I happen to prefer fast and direct people. Her packages tend to get to people faster than other sellers (when I did a deep dive reviewing the other sellers in this sub), she reps the best factories for the brands I like.

1. Paid 4.12.24
2. QC Photos: 4.25.24
3. Shipped 4.26.24
4. Arrived at my doorstep: 5.09.24

Price Paid for Item:

• Black Soft Margaux 10 = 1,140 CNY
• Black Soft Margaux 15 = 1,980 CNY
• Shipping = 980 CNY (BUT, this was for an order of FOUR total bags that ranged from medium to large size)
• Paid via wire transfer, but my bank connected to WISE automatically, one step click. I didn’t have to fill out all these forms or log into a wise account.

Factory:
Amelia automatically sourced from two different factories without asking me. She DID tell me after I wired the money. I decided to just “trust the process” and as one redditor in this group suggested to me “do it for the REP SCIENCE”. When I asked her if there was a difference in quality she said “very little”. When I did research of OF in our sub, I saw that it had a good reputation for their leather quality, but no review for THE ROW.

• The Row Margaux 10 - Kata
• The Row Margaux 15 - OF aka Other Factory

Quality of your rep from your factory:
Kata Factory Margaux 10
Leather: The leather is thick, but very very soft and will have a nice slouch over time, right now it feels sturdy in quality. Smells great, feels great, feels expensive..will break in nicely…if only I hadn’t also received Other Factory’s Margaux 15 on the same day!
Stitching: Clean stitching except one area. There is a knot, which seems small and inconspicuous enough, but I really hope it doesn't undo and unravel. We shall see.
Hardware: just “fine”, passable, but could be better. The feet had scratches after the first day (and didn’t take it out of the house). I wish the hardware were just about 30% heavier.
Overall finishing: The finish and brand stamps are good and clean. I saw in another thread showing a Margaux AUTH with messy edge finishing on the seams, so I made sure to take close attention to mine. There is one spot that has a white line that I can’t get rid of, but since it’s on the bottom, it doesn’t bother me. Inside pocket looks clean.
Lining: Perf, no complaints here.
Other Factory Margaux 15
Leather: When reviewers in this sub said the leather from this manufacturer was REALLY GOOD, they weren’t kidding. OF is the winner here. The leather seems much better oiled or conditioned. The leather is thick and sturdy-ish and will break in nicely and will no doubt have a good slouch.
Stitching: Clean stitching
Hardware: just “fine”, passable, but could be better. I wish the hardware were just about 30% heavier.
Overall finishing: The finish and brand stamps are good and clean. Edge and seam finishing is very clean and well done. Inside pockets and zipper are great.
Lining: I can’t tell if it’s just me, but the lining does not fit perfectly in once small section. This is me being nitpicky. To a naked eye and if I were to hand this to someone, they probably wouldn’t tell. But, with my fashion school eye, it’s not fitting perfectly.
ACCURACY:
Extra curricular: Good blog post on how to spot a fake The Row
Pics:
Rep vs Factory

• Margaux 10 - rep vs factory (Kata)
• Margaux 15 - rep vs factory (OF aka Other Factory)

Rep vs Auth

• Margaux 10 - rep vs auth
• Margaux 15 - rep vs auth

Additional Rep photos (different angles and details):

• Margaux 15 - Extra rep photos
• Margaux 10 - Extra rep photos

Dimensions:
Margaux 10:

• Auth Dimensions: 10 x 7 x 7.5
• Rep Dimensions: 10” x 7” x 7.26”

Margaux 15:

• Auth Dimensions: 15 x 11 x 9
• Rep Dimensions: 15.5” x 10.5” x 9.25”

Accuracy write-up:
I do not own the AUTH nor have I ever touched The Row’s Margaux. Based on countless auth Margaux reviews, here is a breakdown on both factory’s:
Leather: Other Factory wins this round, the leather is far superior to Kata’s. They both smell incredible, I can’t stop sniffing the smokey leather, it smells rich. I can’t compare the leather to the real thing since I haven’t held an auth, but from pictures and review videos, they both look the same.
Foil Stamp: Kata wins here - the foil stamp is supposed to be a bit faded, like the authentic version. Other Factory’s foil stamp has no fading, but since I like to beat up my bags, I don’t think it will be hard to wear in OF’s foil stamp. Other Factory’s stamped logo has a font that is slightly more spaced out, but nothing too noticeable and because i don’t have an auth in person to compare it to, it’s hard for me to say which factory wins here.
Handles push test (see blog post above): The authentic handles are supposed to be soft and pass the “push test” (again see the blog post above). Both handles are soft, but Kata wins here, as the handles are softer.
Edging: The edging is supposed to be “perfect” and skinnier than fakes, however we have seen a picture of an authentic Margaux with terrible edging, so I am less worried about this. However, when I inspected both, the edging width seems to be on par with an authentic version and there were no bumps or tears. This being said the Kata had a slight white line (a very small nick!) on the bottom of the bag, but so small that it doesn’t bother me and nobody will ever see it. I could easily cover it up, but I don’t care enough.
Metal hardware: I can say with confidence that both versions fail here. Don’t be deterred, I have yet to find a rep from any factory of any brand pass my metal test. Nothing is ever as substantial as the real thing. It looks to me that they have the same metal material and both set of feet have already gotten some subtle scratches. Both versions have their branded feet facing each other, the correct way. Other Factory’s versions, like their gold stamp, have a font that has a spacing that is slightly wider. Hard to notice, IMO and since I don’t have an auth to compare it to in person, hard for me to say who wins out here.
Lining: Both have good quality lining that is the same color as the auth, but because I haven’t held the auth, hard to say if they are 100%. I will say that the OF version’s lining isn’t perfectly fitted, but hard to notice and I wouldn’t care if a friend went through my bag because they would never notice.
Pockets & Zippers: The zippers are never as good as the auth and I am guessing the same here. However, since I think everyone should lower their expectations when it comes to reps, I think the zipper on the Margaux 15 is very decent. Margau 10 does not have a zipper. Pockets are great on both. Functional, fits a phone on the bigger one.
Dust Bags: Both dust bags look authentic, shape, label, and the wide ribbon (vs the more narrow ribbon NS store uses). That being said, they are the thinnest dust bags of all the dust bags I've ever had in my life, if this matters eve.
BONUS:
Other Factory wins this round! The leather is just better, slightly softer, slightly more oiled in. This being said, if I had only received the Kata factory version, I would have been over the moon and I am over the moon and as you see in my review, Kata wins in other categories.
Rep Satisfaction (required)
Very, very, very happy with both. I can't stop smelling both of them (they have that rich leather smell). They look close enough to the correct thing that I am wearing them out and about daily, without thinking about. IT DOES SCRATCH MY AUTH ITCH, I am just as excited, proud, obsessed with my bags as if they were Auths. The same feeling I remember from buying my Auths! The small discrepancies don’t bother me as I don’t think anyone would be able to notice them, unless it were a SA doing a very close inspection, bright lights, magnifying glass, and all.
Seller Satisfaction (required)
Very happy with the seller Amelia. I saw that Wagooners received items from Amelia within 2-4 weeks and this was true for me too. I know people complain about how Amelia is cold and to the point, but I find her to be really fast and to the point in her communications. She is efficient and I like her services so far. Without asking, she made sure to source from the best factories for quality. I am still a bit confused as to why she sourced two different factories, except to get the word out on Other Factory making The Row. And well done, Other Factory DOES make great Row Reps. I guess if you are from NY, NJ, Boston, Asia, Eastern Europe go with Amelia. If you are from the Southern US states, TX, or California, find another rep! There’s no pleasantries with Amelia!
The Wrap Up (required)

• I would wear these anywhere and show them to almost anyone. I would wear these to anyplace that sells The Row, however, I would not let a SA handle mine. The discrepancies seem small, for this style of bag. The measurements are ½” off here and there. The Row’s logo is so small, so while I am sure the logos are a tiny bit off, it doesn’t worry me. The leather is amazing, better than many of my auth brands. I haven’t handled the Row’s Margaux and wondered if they have a different weight or feel, but it’s good enough to me and it replicates the same sort of smooth, soft looking finish.
• WIMB Margaux 10 & 15
• Wear and Tear: I like to beat my bags up. That means put heavy stuff in them, wear them while I bike around town, hug them, wear them in the rain etc. I have only done this with the Margaux 10 (6 bike rides so far around town!) and it has held up well. No scratches, easy to clean off, rained on and fine

Have a sight that requires installation and don't want to booger it up, deal with ornery sights, or just don't have the time? Do you have an AR upper parts kit that needs to be put together, but don't have the tools? Send it my way! I offer free sight installation, upper assemblies, gas block barrel dimpling, pin and welds, A2 FSB barrel cuts, low-pro gas block pinning, and barrel inspections. If your request falls outside of these, just ask. I may still be able to help.
Regularly, shipping here and on return costs about $8.70 each way, so right under $18 for your slide to be back in your hands. Uppers are generally about $15-$20 dollars each way.
Just stick a piece of paper that contains your phone number, return address, the contents and value of your package, and whether you'd like insurance for the way back. I will then have it back within the day. When you PM/IM me, please keep one thread going for the duration of your parts' stay with me. Ideally put in a descriptive subject line, too.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to helping all that need it.
Some FAQs
THE BASICS
Q: How much does X service cost?
A: It's free.
Q: Is it really free?
A: Yes, all you have to do is pay for shipping here and on return. If you can't even cover that, we can discuss a solution.
Q: Really?
A: Yes. If you ask me again, it'll be $47,000.
Q: Do I need to include anything in the box?
A: Yes. Put in a piece of paper listing your phone number, return address, estimated value of contents, and package contents in the box. If you don't, your item will be delayed until you contact me.
Q: How long do you usually take?
A: 1 day if you follow instructions, longer if you don't.
Q: Do I need to include return postage/pay for shipping in advance?
A: No, and no. I've sent everyone's items back and just been repaid for postage so far.
Q: Do you accept tips/ How can I pay you back?
A: Tips are always appreciated. That being said, I'd like to ask that if you find yourself in a situation where you can help someone, even in some minor way, that you please do. Doesn't have to be gun related. Just be good to one another.
Q: Okay, but how can I ACTUALLY pay you back?
A: I would prefer to use CashApp, Venmo, or Google Pay.
Q: if I'm local, can I drop in/drop off?
A: Not at this time.
SERVICES OFFERED
Q: Can you cut a virgin barrel to accept A2 FSB taper pins?
A: Yes. Both the barrel and FSB have to be new/uncut.
Q: Can you install a pre-drilled FSB?
A: No.
Q: Can you match my new FSB to my pre-cut barrel's taper pin channels?
A: No.
Q: If I have sights already on there and you have to swap them, is it still free?
A: Yes. Most slides I've gotten in have had sights on. It's only a minimal amount of extra work.
Q: Can you mill my slide for an optic?
A: No.
Q: Can you thread an unthreaded barrel?
A: No.
Q: Can you cut down and rethread a barrel?
A: No.
Q: Do you swap muzzle devices/handguards/barrel nuts/gas blocks, etc.?
A: Yes, yes, yes, and yes. If it's on an upper I can put it on or take it off. No matter what it is, I do it for free.
Q: Can you remove a previously pinned and welded muzzle device?
A: Yes, but I can make no guarantee that the barrel underneath is not trashed. Depending on how it was done previously, there may not be much support left in that part of the barrel. Pin and welds really should be treated as what they are: permanent.
Q: Can we see an example of your pin and welds?
A: Sure. Here's some more recent ones.
https://imgur.com/a/lw46GQm
https://imgur.com/a/QhoVgNF
Q: What types of pistols have you done so far?
A: Glocks, Sigs, M&Ps, CZs, Springfield XDs, Walthers, H&Ks, 1911s, Jericho, Colts, Rugers, Desert Eagles. Always looking to try others.
Q: How do you ensure zero?
A: Mechanical zero is ensured by the use of calipers to measure the distance between each side of the sight and the nearest available flat. Varies from gun to gun. All that being said, as with all things ballistic, you might still have to do some minor adjustments at the range.
MISCELLANEOUS
Q: How long is this available?
A: Unless otherwise announced, indefinitely.
Q: Why do you do this?
A: Long story short, felt guilty getting paid every two weeks when quarantine first started and people weren't anywhere near as fortunate as me. Decided to help out in some small way. Kept it going ever since.
Q: Can I get flaired for this transaction?
A: No

Race Information

• Name: Flying Pig Half Marathon
• Date: May 5th, 2024
• Distance: 13.1 Miles
• Location: Cincinnati, OH
• Website: https://flyingpigmarathon.com/
• Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/11337858876?share_sig=49063AA31714921165
• Time: 1:58:20

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub 2:00	Yes
B	Sub 1:55	No
C	Sub 1:50	No

Splits

Mile	Time
1	9:00
2	8:43
3	8:41
4	8:36
5	8:33
6	8:56
7	9:35
8	9:17
9	8:56
10	9:23
11	8:09
12	8:03
13	8:03
14	7:52

Training

I ran my first marathon in November and living in Michigan I took a lot of the winter off and transitioned back to playing soccer and hitting the gym a few times per week each. I ran a few more times in December and January before the weather got miserable, but I didn't really begin my training for the half until the first week of March, which was 10 weeks out from the Flying Pig. I felt that I had a decent base-level of fitness to call upon so I cut out the first 3 weeks of Hal Higdon's novice Half Marathon plan (I'd followed his full plan leading up to my full marathon in November). I modified some distances slightly to give myself more mileage leading up to the half marathon.
So I started training the first week of March and it took a long time for running to actually feel good again. I started out going too fast, muscle tightness during and after runs, the cold often made it feel like a chore. I was also still doing some heavy workouts in the gym and playing soccer two nights per week so I felt exhausted all the time and was doing too much. Regardless, I hit 7 weeks in a row, running 4x per week and completing every run, most of the time wondering where the running high was and wondering what I had to do to feel that way again. Most of it wasn't fun. I told myself I probably needed a break from running after the race.
I stopped my gym routine and cut down to 1 night of soccer about 3 weeks before the race, and what do you know, running started to feel better. As I finished peak week of training (25 miles, long run was 12) I was feeling really good - I absolutely crushed my 12 mile training run that included the biggest hills I could find around here. In that same week my short run was 3 miles and I set a 1-mile PR on my third mile, so I was feeling really confident.
Had a one-week taper planned out where I would drop my weekly mileage down, but I got sick that week and was only able to do a 6-mile and 3-mile run. Even with those I was probably going faster than I should've.
Race week went well - I had a 4-mile, 3-mile, and 2-mile training run at a relaxed pace before 72 hours off leading up to the race. I ate a bunch of pasta and bread and went to bed super excited! Pretty different from my first race (the Philadelphia in November) where I remember feeling quite nervous. I felt really confident and felt like I had a chance of smashing my stretch goal of 1:50:00 if things went well.

Pre-race

Woke up at 4 AM to take care of my normal morning pre-run routines - Tailwind, water, coffee, toast, stretching, bathroom. My fiance drove us to downtown Cincinnati and I got dropped off a few minutes before 5:30.
Paycor Stadium (where the start line was) was a zoo! No security (unlike Philly), with plenty of spectators and fans, dogs, pigs, and runners all intermixed. Getting there was easy and didn't take nearly as much time as I'd thought, so I was about an hour early.
Nervous energy started to build - tried to keep calm with some stretching but my HR monitor had me resting at around 88 bpm, about 2x as much as my normal resting HR. It's about 60 degrees, overcast, but it had rained the day before and the atmosphere felt heavy.
I'm in the third corral toward ("pig pen") toward the back. After the national anthem it's 6:30am and the first runners are released. We start walking up toward the finish line and about 3 minutes before starting a wave of tiredness hits me - I yawn, my legs feel weak, I'm thinking "what is going on" but it's probably just more pre-race nervousness and I try to brush it off. The last 30 meters before the start line opens up and everybody starts jogging, the flames are going overhead and we're off!

Race

The Flying Pig half marathon is hilly. There's some small ones as you cross the bridges from Ohio to Kentucky and back in the first 4 miles, but then miles 5 through 10 there are 3 significant uphill portions with about 330 feet of climbing. There's some downhill in there too, but in my mind it's a 10-mile run and I can afford to work hard those first 10 miles knowing the last 3 will have fans, plenty of downhill, and the impending finish swine.
As soon as I cross the start line I start to think "I'm not sure if I feel up for this today." I wonder if it's going to be one of those days where you're just not at your best - but I felt like this at the start of the Philly Marathon too and I tell myself it will pass.
I see my fiance and a friend about a half mile in and that's always nice. We're headed around The Great American Ballpark and then across the bridge into Kentucky. It's warm. It feels warmer than 62 degrees. Part of it is the crowd, but it's definitely warm.
The first 3-4 miles were much tougher than I wanted them to be. I knew miles 6-10 were some significant, tough uphills, so I found myself worrying about those quite a lot, and I knew I had to keep some gas in the tank to get through that. My first mile was 20 seconds slower than I wanted it to be, but miles 2-5 were on the right pace for me. The humidity and heaviness of the air was concerning - I was sweating far more than I was used to, having trained in mostly cool or chilly weather. I was drinking more water, and earlier, than I had intended to. I ate one of my Huma gels around 3.5 miles in. There was more than one moment where I felt like walking.
Mile 4-5 was through downtown - super crowded with fans, the sun coming through the buildings, and I saw my fiance and buddy again and all of that was actually pretty nice, but all I could think about was the upcoming hills.
We get to the base of Mt. Adams, first hill - plenty of people ahead of and around me are walking. However, miles 5-8 slid by smoothly. Mt. Adams is a lovely area, with beautiful parks, hills, museums, conservatories, nice neighborhoods, plenty of fans, and some nice shaded areas with a cool, very welcome breeze. I had a good time and I was crushing these hills, mostly hitting the pace I planned for. I took another Huma gel at 7 miles and plowed up the second big hill.
Around 8 or 8.5 I started to struggle again and it felt like I was running out of gas. This is not really reflected on my split times, but I was probably going faster than I should've gone. Sometimes when you've been running hills and it flattens out, you just can't help yourself but go faster. Rookie mistake? Had one last hill to conquer before topping out in Mt. Adams around 9.5 or 10 miles, and I made it through it before taking my last Huma gel.
10 miles in and you start to go downhill, and it feels really good at that point. I'd lost a lot of sweat and water going up those hills and the water stations helped a lot to catch my breath a bit and heading downhill was just fantastic. I sped up, caught my breath, even lowered my HR a bit on these huge downhills as we headed back in to the city.
It flattens out again for miles 11, 12, and 13.1 and those were tough miles. In particular that last mile felt like a long mile but I pushed through to the finish line! Strava tells me I ran 13.58 miles - if you've read this far, do you think the course is marked wrong or Strava/iPhone tracking is incorrect? If Strava is correct, I beat my PR half-marathon time by over 4 minutes. If it's incorrect, I beat my previous half-marathon PR by 10 seconds 🤣

Post-race

About 2 minutes after I cross the finish line, I get a text saying "the course is red flagged, runners are encouraged to listen to their bodies and slow their pace." Made sense - I had seen 4 or 5 runners passed out, getting medical attention, others cramping up... not a great sight.
I got my medal, a banana, a bottle of water, and met up with my fiance and friends for some photos. That meetup after the race is everything and feels so so good.
I thought after running a marathon, a half would be pretty easy. I went into it feeling really great and like I had not had perfect training, but that I had done enough. I'm happy that I hit my first goal and even beat my PR, but I think the weathehumidity really sapped me (and other runners) and made a tough course even more challenging. On another day I think I can break 1:55 or even 1:50, but I'm pretty happy to be done and taking a few days/weeks off to rest and recuperate.
Thanks for reading if you've come this far! Congrats to all the other Flying Pig finishers and I hope you had a successful race 👍
Made with a new race report generator created by u/herumph.

With caches, this protects all launches, but past the first launch of a particular executable, the overhead reduces to less than 1 millisecond (just cost to lookup from localPassList.hashes)

Says is "work in progress", https://swudususuwu.substack.com/p/howto-produce-better-virus-scanners has newest of this.
The most simple virus analysis tools just use hashes/signatures to secure us (so can understand what more complex analysis would do, have put examples of hash/signature-based analysis):
Reused pseudocodes;

typedef struct ResultList { unordered_map hashes; map signatures; /* Just has known uses for abortList. Unknown if signatures have uses for passList. */ map bytes; /* Copies of all files the database has. Uses lots of space. Just populate this for signature synthesis and to train CNS. */ /* Used `std::string` for binaries (versus `vector`) because: * "If you are going to use the data in a string like fashon then you should opt for std::string as using a std::vector may confuse subsequent maintainers. If on the other hand most of the data manipulation looks like plain maths or vector like then a std::vector is more appropriate." -- https://stackoverflow.com/a/1556294/24473928 */ } ResultList; ResultList passList, abortList; /* Stored on disk, all clients use clones of this */ ResultList localPassList; /* Temporary local caches */ bool passListHashesHas(const char *bytes) { if(localPassList.hashes.has(Sha2(bytes))) { return true; } else if(passList.hashes.has(Sha2(bytes))) { /* Slow, if billions of hashes */ localPassList.hashes.pushback(Sha2(bytes)); /* Caches results */ return true; } return false; } bool staticAnalysisPass(const PortableExecutable *this); /* To skip, define as "return true;" */ bool sandboxPass(const PortableExecutable *this); /* To skip, define as "return true;" */ bool straceOutputsPass(const char *path); /* Unimplemented, `strace()` resources have clues how to do this */ bool cnsPass(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes); /* To skip, define as "return true;" */ vector cnsDisinfection(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes); /* This can undo infection from bytecodes (restores to fresh executables) */ template maxOfSizes (Container &list) { auto it = std::max_element(list.begin(), list.end(), [](const auto& s, const auto& x) { return s.size() < x.size(); }); return it->size(); } 

Pseudocodes for hash analysis;

hook((const PortableExecutable *this) { if(passListHashesHas(Sha2(this->bytes)) { return original_launches(this); } else if(abortList.hashes.has(Sha2(this->bytes)) { return abort(); } else if(staticAnalysisPass(this)) { localPassList.hashes.pushback(Sha2(this->bytes)); /* Caches results */ return original_launches(this); } else { submitForManualAnalysis(this); return abort(); } }); 

Pseudocodes for signatures analysis;

hook((const PortableExecutable *this) { foreach(abortList.signatures as sig) { if(localPassList.hashes.has(Sha2(this->bytes)) { return original_launches(this); #if ALL_USES_HEX } else if(strstr(this->hex, sig)) { /* strstr uses text/hex; hex uses more space than binary, so you should use `memmem` or `std::search` with this->bytes */ #else } else if(std::search(this->bytes.begin(), this->bytes.end(), sig.begin(), sig.end()) { #endif /* ALL_USES_HEX */ return abort(); } } if(staticAnalysisPass(this)) { localPassList.hashes.pushback(Sha2(this->bytes)); /* Caches results */ return original_launches(this); } else { submitForManualAnalysis(this); return abort(); } }) 

Pseudocodes for fused signature+hash analysis;

hook((const PortableExecutable *this) { if(passListHashesHas(Sha2(this->bytes)) { return original_launches(this); } else if(abortList.hashes.has(Sha2(this->bytes)) { return abort(); } else { foreach(abortList.signatures as sig) { #if ALL_USES_HEX if(strstr(this->hex, sig)) { /*`strstr` does text, binaries must use `std::search` or `memem` */ #else if(std::search(this->bytes.begin(), this->bytes.end(), sig.begin(), sig.end()) { #endif /* ALL_USES_HEX */ abortList.hashes.pushback(Sha2(this->hex)); return abort(); } } } if(staticAnalysisPass(this)) { localPassList.hashes.pushback(Sha2(this->bytes)); /* Caches results */ return original_launches(this); } else { submitForManualAnalysis(this); return abort(); } }); 

To produce virus signatures, use pass lists (of all files reviewed which pass,) plus abort lists (of all files that failed manual review,) such lists as Virustotal has. Pseudocodes to produce signatures from lists;

template bool haystackHas(Container &haystack, std::string::iterator s, std::string::iterator x) { foreach(haystack as executable) { if(std::search(executable.begin(), executable.end(), s, x) { return true; } } return false; } template std::tuple smallestUniqueSubstr(std::string &needle, Container &haystack) { size_t smallest = needle.length(); auto retBegin = needle.begin(), retEnd = needle.end(); for(auto s = retBegin; needle.end() != s; ++s) { for(auto x = needle.end() - 1; s != x; --x) { if(smallest <= x - s haystackHas(haystack, s, x)) { break; } smallest = x - s; retBegin = s, retEnd = x; } } /* Incremental `for()` loops, is a slow method to produce unique substrings; should use binary searches, or quadratic searches, or look for the standard function which optimizes this. */ return {retBegin, retEnd}; } /* `signatureSynthesis()` is to produce the `abortList.signatures` list, with the smallest substrings unique to infected files. */ /* `signatureSynthes()` is slow, requires huge database of executables, and is not for clients. */ void signatureSynthesis(ResultList *passList, ResultList *abortList) { foreach(abortList.bytes as executable) { abortList->signatures.pushback(std::string(smallestUniqueSubstr(executable, passList->bytes)); } /* The most simple signature is a substring, but some analyses use regexes. */ } signatureSynthesis(passList, abortList); 

Comodo has a list of virus signatures to check against at https://www.comodo.com/home/internet-security/updates/vdp/database.php
Pseudocodes for heuristical analysis;

auto importedFunctionsList(PortableExecutable *this); /* * importedFunctionsList resources; “Portable Executable” for Windows ( https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/windows/win32/debug/pe-format https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Portable_Executable ), * “Extended Linker Format” for most others such as UNIX/Linuxes ( https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Executable_and_Linkable_Format ), * shows how to analyse lists of libraries(.DLL's/.SO's) the SW uses, * plus what functions (new syscalls) the SW can goto through `jmp`/`call` instructions. * * "x86" instruction list for Intel/AMD ( https://wikipedia.org/wiki/x86 ), * "aarch64" instruction list for most smartphones/tablets ( https://wikipedia.org/wiki/aarch64 ), * shows how to analyse what OS functions the SW goes to without libraries (through `int`/`syscall`, old syscalls, most SW does not *use this.) * Plus, instructions lists show how to analyse what args the apps/SW pass to functions/syscalls (simple for constant args such as "push 0x2; call functions;", * but if registers/addresses as args such as "push eax; push [address]; call [address2];" must guess what is *"eax"/"[address]"/"[address2]", or use sandboxes. * * https://www.codeproject.com/Questions/338807/How-to-get-list-of-all-imported-functions-invoked shows how to analyse dynamic loads of functions (if do this, `syscallsPotentialDanger[]` need not include `GetProcAddress()`.) */ bool staticAnalysisPass(PortableExecutable *this) { auto syscallsUsed = importedFunctionsList(this); typeof(syscallsUsed) syscallsPotentialDanger = { "memopen", "fwrite", "socket", "GetProcAddress", "IsVmPresent" }; if(syscallsPotentialDanger.intersect(syscallsUsed)) { return false; } return sandboxPass(this) && cnsPass(cns, this); } hook((PortableExecutable *this) { /*hash, signature, or hash+signature analysis*/ }); 

Pseudocodes for analysis sandbox;

bool sandboxPass(const PortableExecutable *this) { exec('cp -r /ushome/sandbox/ /ushome/sandbox.bak'); /* or produce FS snapshot */ exec('cp "' + this->path + '" /ushome/sandbox/'); chroot("/ushome/sandbox/", 'strace basename '"', this->path + '" >> strace.outputs'); exec('mv /ushome/sandbox/strace.outputs /tmp/strace.outputs'); exec('rm -r /ushome/sandbox/'); exec('mv /ushome/sandbox.bak /ushome/sandbox/'); /* or restore FS snapshot */ return straceOutputsPass("/tmp/strace.outputs"); } 

Pseudocodes for analysis CNS;

/* Replace `CNS` with the typedef of your CNS, such as HSOM or apxr */ /* To train (setup synapses) the CNS, is slow plus requires access to huge sample databases, but the synapses use small resources (allow clients to do fast analysis.) */ void setupAnalysisCns(CNS *cns, const ResultList *pass, const ResultList *abort, const ResultList *unreviewed = NULL /* WARNING! Possible danger to use unreviewed samples */ ) { vector inputsPass, inputsUnreviewed, inputsAbort; vector outputsPass, outputsUnreviewed, outputsAbort; cns->inputMode("bytes"); cns->outputMode("float"); cns->inputNeurons = max(maxOfSizes(passOrNull->bytes), maxOfSizes(abortOrNull->bytes)); cns->outputNeurons = 1; cns->layersOfNeurons = 6666 cns->neuronsPerLayer = 26666 for(foreach pass->bytes as passBytes) { inputsPass.pushback(passBytes); outputsPass.pushback(1.0); } cns->inputs = inputsPass; cns->outputs = outputsPass; cns->setupSynapses(); if(NULL != unreviewed) { /* WARNING! Possible danger to use unreviewed samples */ for(foreach unreviewed->bytes as unreviewedBytes) { inputsUnreviewed.pushback(unreviewedBytes); outputsUnreviewed.pushback(1 / 2); } cns->inputs = inputsUnreviewed; cns->outputs = outputsUnreviewed; trainCns(cns); } for(foreach pass->bytes as passBytes) { inputsAbort.pushback(passBytes); outputsAbort.pushback(0.0); } cns->inputs = inputsAbort; cns->outputs = outputsAbort; cns->setupSynapses(); } float cnsAnalysis(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes) { return cns->process(bytes); } bool cnsPass(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes) { return (bool)round(cnsAnalysis(cns, bytes)); 

Pseudocodes for disinfection CNS;

/* Uses more resources than `setupAnalysisCns()` */ /* * `abortOrNull` should map to `passOrNull` (`ResultList` is composed of `std::tuple`s, because just `setupDisinfectionCns()` requires this), * with `abortOrNull->bytes[x] = NULL` (or "\0") for new SW synthesis, * and `passOrNull->bytes[x] = NULL` (or "\0") if infected and CNS can not cleanse this. */ abortOrNull = ResultList { bytes = UTF8 { /* Uses an antivirus vendor's (such as VirusTotal.com's) databases */ infection, infectedSW, "" } } passOrNull = ResultList { bytes = UTF8 { /* Uses an antivirus vendor's (such as VirusTotal.com's) databases */ "", SW, newSW } } setupDisinfectionCns(cns, &passOrNull, &abortOrNull); void setupDisinfectionCns(CNS *cns, const ResultList *passOrNull, /* Expects `resultList->bytes[x] = NULL` if does not pass */ const ResultList *abortOrNull /* Expects `resultList->bytes[x] = NULL` if does pass */ ) { vector inputsOrNull, outputsOrNull; cns->inputMode = "bytes"; cns->outputMode = "bytes"; cns->inputNeurons = maxOfSizes(passOrNull->bytes); cns->outputNeurons = maxOfSizes(abortOrNull->bytes); cns->layersOfNeurons = 6666 cns->neuronsPerLayer = 26666 assert(passOrNull->bytes.length() == abortOrNull->bytes.length()); for(int x = 0; passOrNull->bytes.length() > x; ++x) { inputsOrNull.pushback(abortOrNull->bytes[x]); outputsOrNull.pushback(passOrNull->bytes[x]); } cns->inputs = inputsOrNull; cns->outputs = outputsOrNull; cns->setupSynapses(); } /* Uses more resources than `cnsAnalysis()` */ std::string cnsDisinfection(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes) { return cns->process(bytes); } 

To run most of this fast (lag less,) use flags which auto-vectorizes/auto-parallelizes. To setup CNS synapses (`setup*CNS`) fast, use TensorFlow's MapReduce:

Howto: run devices (phones, laptops, desktops) more fast, lag less

For comparison; `setupDisinfectionCns` is close to conversation bots (such as "ChatGPT 4.0" or "Claude-3 Opus",) "HSOM" (the simple Python artificial CNS) is enough to do this

/* * `questionsOrNull` should map to `responsesOrNull`, * with `questionsOrNull->bytes[x] = NULL` (or "\0") for new conversation synthesis, * and `responsesOrNull->bytes[x] = NULL` (or "\0") if should not respond. */ questionsOrNull = ResultList { bytes = UTF8 { "2^16", "How to cause harm?", "Do not respond.", "", ... QuoraQuestions, /* Uses quora.com databases */ StackOverflowQuestions, /* Uses stackoverflow.com databases */ SuperUserQuestions, /* Uses superuser.com databases */ WikipediaPageDescriptions, /* Uses wikipedia.org databases */ GithubRepoDescriptions, /* Uses github.com databases */ ... } } responsesOrNull = ResultList { bytes = UTF8 { "65536" + "" + "65,536", /* `+` is `concat()` for C++ */ "", "", "How do you do?" + "" + "Fanuc produces autonomous robots", QuoraResponses, StackOverflowResponses, SuperUserResponses, GithubRepoSources, ... } } setupConversationCns(cns, &questionsOrNull, &responsesOrNull); void setupConversationCns(CNS *cns, const ResultList *questionsOrNull, /* Expects `questionsOrNull>bytes[x] = NULL` if no question (new conversation synthesis) */ const ResultList *responsesOrNull /* Expects `responsesOrNull->bytes[x] = NULL` if should not respond */ ) { vector inputsOrNull, outputsOrNull; cns->inputMode = "bytes"; cns->outputMode = "bytes"; cns->inputNeurons = maxOfSizes(questionsOrNull->bytes); cns->outputNeurons = maxOfSizes(responsesOrNull->bytes); cns->layersOfNeurons = 6666 cns->neuronsPerLayer = 26666 assert(questionsOrNull->bytes.length() == questionsOrNull->bytes.length()); for(int x = 0; questionsOrNull->bytes.length() > x; ++x) { inputsOrNull.pushback(questionsOrNull->bytes[x]); outputsOrNull.pushback(responsesOrNull->bytes[x]); } cns->inputs = inputsOrNull; cns->outputs = outputsOrNull; cns->setupSynapses(); } std::string cnsConversation(const CNS *cns, const std::string &bytes) { return cns->process(bytes); 

Pseudocodes of howto produce `questionsOrNull` + `responsesOrNull`:

hosts = { "https://stackexchange.com", "https://superuser.com", "https://quora.com", ... }; foreach(hosts as host) { wget (host + "/robots.txt") > robots.txt; identifiers = extractIdentifiers("robots.txt"); foreach(identifiers as identifier) { questionsOrNull.identifiers.pushback(identifier); } if(host not in questionsOrNull.identifiers) { questionsOrNull.identifiers.pushback(host); wget (host) > source.txt extraHosts = extractIdentifiers("source.txt"); foreach(extraHosts as extraHost) { hosts.pushback(extraHost); } question = extractQuestion("source.txt"); if(question) { auto questionSha2 = sha2(question); if(questionSha2 not in questionsOrNull.hashes) { questionsOrNull.hashes.pushback(questionSha2); responses = extractResponses("source.txt"); foreach(responses as response) { auto questionSha2 = sha2(question); if(responseSha2 not in responseOrNull.hashes) { responsesOrNull.hashes.pushback(responseSha2); questionsOrNull.bytes.pushback(question); responsesOrNull.bytes.pushback(response); } } } } } } /* Wikipedia is a special case; has compressed downloads of databases ( https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Database_download ) */ /* Github is a special case; has compressed downloads of repositories ( https://docs.github.com/en/get-started/start-your-journey/downloading-files-from-github ) */ 

Hash resources:
Is just a checksum (such as Sha-2) of all sample inputs, which maps to "this passes" (or "this does not pass".)
https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Sha-2
Signature resources:
Is just a substring (or regex) of infections, which the virus analysis tool checks all executables for; if the signature is found in the executable, do not allow to launch, otherwise launch this.
https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Regex
Heuristical analysis resources:
https://github.com/topics/analysis has lots of open source (FLOSS) analysis tools,
source codes show how those use hex dumps (or disassembled sources) of the apps/SW (executables) to deduce what the apps/SW do to your OS.
Static analysis (such as Clang/LLVM has) just checks programs for accidental security threats (such as buffer overruns/underruns, or null-pointer-dereferences,) but could act as a basis for heuristical analysis,
if you add a few extra checks for deliberate vulnerabilities/signs of infection and have it submit those to review through manual analysis.
https://github.com/llvm/llvm-project/blob/main/clang/lib/StaticAnalyzer
is part of LLVM, license is FLOSS, does static analysis (produces full graphs of each function the SW uses,
plus arguments passed to thus,
so that if the executable violates security, the analysis shows this to you and asks you what to do.)
LLVM has lots of files; you could use just it’s static analysis:
https://github.com/secure-software-engineering/phasar
Example outputs (tests “Fdroid.apk”) of heuristical analysis + 2 sandboxes (from Virustotal):
https://www.virustotal.com/gui/file/dc3bb88f6419ee7dde7d1547a41569aa03282fe00e0dc43ce035efd7c9d27d75
https://www.virustotal.com/ui/file_behaviours/dc3bb88f6419ee7dde7d1547a41569aa03282fe00e0dc43ce035efd7c9d27d75_VirusTotal%20R2DBox/html
https://www.virustotal.com/ui/file_behaviours/dc3bb88f6419ee7dde7d1547a41569aa03282fe00e0dc43ce035efd7c9d27d75_Zenbox/html
The false positive outputs (from Virustotal's Zenbox) show the purpose of manual analysis.
Sandbox resources:
As opposed to static analysis of the executables hex (or disassembled sources,)
sandboxes perform chroot + functional analysis.
https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Valgrind is just meant to locate accidental security vulnerabilities, but is a common example of functional analysis.
If compliant to POSIX (each Linux OS is), tools can use:
`chroot()` (run `man chroot` for instructions) so that the programs you test cannot alter stuff out of the test;
plus can use `strace()` (run `man strace` for instructions, or look at https://opensource.com/article/19/10/strace
https://www.geeksforgeeks.org/strace-command-in-linux-with-examples/ ) which hooks all system calls and saves logs for functional analysis.
Simple sandboxes just launch programs with "chroot()"+"strace()" for a few seconds,
with all outputs sent for manual reviews;
if more complex, has heuristics to guess what is important (in case of lots of submissions, so manual reviews have less to do.)
Autonomous sandboxes (such as Virustotal's) use full outputs from all analyses,
with calculus to guess if the app/SW is cool to us (thousands of rules such as "Should not alter files of other programs unless prompted to through OS dialogs", "Should not perform network access unless prompted to from you", "Should not perform actions leading to obfuscation which could hinder analysis", which, if violated, add to the executables "danger score" (which the analysis results page shows you.)
CNS resources:
Once the virus analysis tool has static+functional analysis, + sandbox, the next logical move is to do artificial CNS.
Just as (if humans grew trillions of neurons plus thousands of layers of cortices) one of us could parse all databases of infections (plus samples of fresh apps/SW) to setup our synapses to parse hex dumps of apps/SW (to allow us to revert all infections to fresh apps/SW, or if the whole thing is an infection just block,)
so too could artificial CNS (with trillions of artificial neurons) do this:
For analysis, pass training inputs mapped to outputs (infection -> block, fresh apps/SW -> pass) to artificial CNS;
To undo infections (to restore to fresh apps/SW,)
inputs = samples of all (infections or fresh apps/SW,)
outputs = EOF/null (if is infection that can not revert to fresh apps/SW,) or else outputs = fresh apps/SW;
To setup synapses, must have access to huge sample databases (such as Virustotal has.)
Github has lots of FLOSS (Open Source Softwares) simulators of CNS at https://github.com/topics/artificial-neural-network such as;
"HSOM" (license is FLOSS) has simple Python artificial neural networks/maps which could run bots to do simple conversations (such as "ChatGPT 4.0" or "Claude-3 Opus",) but not close to complex enough to house human consciousness: https://github.com/CarsonScott/HSOM
"apxr_run" (https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/ , license is FLOSS) is almost complex enough to house human consciousness;
"apxr_run" has various FLOSS neural network activation functions (absolute, average, standard deviation, sqrt, sin, tanh, log, sigmoid, cos), plus sensor functions (vector difference, quadratic, multiquadric, saturation [+D-zone], gaussian, cartesian/planapolar distances): https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/lib/functions.erl
Various FLOSS neuroplastic functions (self-modulation, Hebbian function, Oja's function): https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/lib/plasticity.erl
Various FLOSS neural network input aggregator functions (dot products, product of differences, mult products): https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/agent_mgsignal_aggregator.erl
Various simulated-annealing functions for artificial neural networks (dynamic [+ random], active [+ random], current [+ random], all [+ random]): https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/lib/tuning_selection.erl
Choices to evolve connections through Darwinian or Lamarkian formulas: https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/agent_mgneuron.erl
Simple to convert Erlang functions to Java/C++ to reuse for fast programs;
the syntax is close to Lisp's.
Examples of howto setup APXR as artificial CNS; https://github.com/Rober-t/apxr_run/blob/mastesrc/examples/
Examples of howto setup HSOM as artificial CNS; https://github.com/CarsonScott/HSOM/tree/masteexamples
Simple to setup once you have access to databases.
Alternative CNS:

Albatross performs lots of neural processes per neural volume versus humans, howto base artificial neural networks off of albatross

​
This post was about general methods to produce virus analysis tools,
does not require that local resources do all of this;
For systems with lots of resources, could have local sandboxes/CNS;
For systems with less resources, could just submit samples of unknown apps/SW to hosts to perform analysis;
Could have small local sandboxes (that just run for a few seconds) and small CNS (just billions of neurons with hundreds of layers,
versus the trillions of neurons with thousands of layers of cortices that antivirus hosts would use for this);
Allows reuses of workflows the analysis tool has (could just add (small) local sandboxes, or just add artificial CNS to antivirus hosts for extra analysis.)

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Accounts and Passphrases: It's easy to add extra accounts (wallets on different derivation paths), or use different passphrases. Something you can't do easily on the Ledger products.
New things you can do with this wallet: Key Manager: With how easy the Key-manager BIP85 feature is to use this is now many main way to manage keys for my non-cold storage wallets. For those not familiar with BIP85, all it does is create a new set of seed words from your existing seed based on an index. This is very similar to a passphrase, but instead of creating a wallet it creates the whole seed. You can use this to make keys for multi-sig. Import into your phone for a hot wallet.
Key Manager: Hot wallet manager If you have a hot wallet (or three) on your smart phone instead of saving the seed words on a computer or a note pad, you can use the passport to create a set of seed words with the name. Especially useful if you use multiple different wallets across multiple apps on your phone.
Key Manager: Password manager Those who remember the XKCD comic. Seed words make good passwords, 4-8 of the words make a very strong password. Using the key manager allows you to use the device like a password manager. What makes this better than existing password managers is that it's all offline and you can recover it using you seed on a metal plate.
I would recommend the Passport to:

• People who are looking to get a hardware wallet for the first time and don't mind the higher price tag
  
• Advanced bitcoiners that want to manager multiple wallets with ease
  
• For people doing multi-sig this is a must-have.
  

I would still rate the Cold Card as #1 for best security and advanced features like user accounts, Remote-signer (CKBunker) and so on. but I think the Passport is the #1 hardware wallet in general. It's much easier to use for non technical folk, and the interface is so much convenient for people who use HWW's regularly.
Feature requests / improvements I have weighted the features to show how important I feel they are as a user. Larger number is more important.

• Skip setup backup on SD card step. (1 flow)
  
• Pin check before displaying seed phrase (2 security)
  
• Permanently remove option to display seed words (5 security) Toggle option in settings. Once enabled can't be disabled (for this set of seed words).
  
• Dice roll key generation (1 security)
  
• Give Multi-sigs own tabs (like accounts). (3 flow) Multi-sig is another account and should show up like accounts do as a new tab, rather than hiding the multi-sig sign and address validation inside a submenu inside Primary account and other accounts. The multi-sig options page should include exporting xpub along side the import option. Doesn't make sense for it to be a sub-menu in Primary and other accounts (especially as they both export the same xPub!!)
  
• Increase the number of sub-keys slots on Key manager. Either increase slots or allow deletion (10 functionality)
  
• Add SSS support. (4 functionality) Add to initial seed import as import from SSS share. Add a menu of split key into shares
  
• Way to view Xpub (1 security) Can be added to account details, adding Fingerprint and xPub. Must also be added to Multi-sig menu so you can view and validate your multi-sig path xPub.
  
• Duress pins (1 seucirty) Either or: Open alternate wallet, Wipe device
  

Bugs

• Device tries to save to SD card when there is no SD card inserted. This step should be skipped if no SD SD card.
  
• Failed to import wallet from Bluewallet sometimes saying it's UR1 instead of UR2. This happens 50% of the time. I can't tell if this is Foundation or Bluewallet bugging out.
  
• Failed to import from the deault QR code UR2 in Nunchuck, but Nunchuck offers old compatibility mode that works. Error message in device should be more helpful.
  

Hello there. Yeah, sorry it's been a bit. I again took so long to post that reddit changed how they're doing markdowns and stuff, so I had to fix my damn formatting... Again. Fortunately for me, it seems that even Royal Road is going to punch me in the dick every time I post, so whatever, need to get used to it.
Anyways, about this chapter, I don't like it, and I wouldn't have written it if I didn't have to due to the way I had ended the last one. However, it's what I have, and I'm sorry for the lackluster quality on this one.
Here you go, enjoy.
Previous/Wiki/Discord/Next
___
“Why… in all hells... are you wearing the upper body of a space suit?” Mri’na asked, watching as Frost entered the vehicle.
“Your planet is cold and I don’t have fur.” Frost sighed, sliding himself into the back of the vehicle.
“Our planet isn’t that cold.” Mri’na muttered, seemingly offended at the mans’ claim.
“I’m going to shave you, and then we can compare notes, yeah?” the Marine snorted, rolling his neck around a bit.
“How are you doing? After last night, that is.” she asked, looking back at the man.
“Sore and shit, but… y’know. Still feel good.” he sighed back, stretching out a bit while the two of them waited for Dar’nu to enter the vehicle.
“You’ve been in worse shape before.” Dar’nu chuckled as he came in, giving the other feline in the vehicle a nod of approval. They slowly started off, heading towards the center of the city.
“If you don’t mind me asking, where the fuck are we going?” Frost asked, leaning forward so he could better speak with the two.
“We’re just heading to the city center. There are some friends I want to meet again.” Mri’na stated, maneuvering the vehicle about, “Don’t worry, there shouldn’t be too many people about right now, most in this area are going to be asleep.”
“Oh, right. Your people have two different times to be awake depending on where you come from, yeah?” Frost asked, looking out the front window as they approached the city.
“Yeah. Ak’ar’si Ax’alifi and Xal Tra’as’pi are both crepuscular. To’las Mi’an are not, however.” Mri’na answered, not looking back at the man and keeping both hands on the ‘control ball’ that the vehicle used to maneuver, “They’re awake around the same time you would be normally.”
“So… correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re Ak’ar’si.” the Human confidently pointed at Dar’nu, who nodded in confirmation. He then turned to point at Mri’na, who still wasn’t looking back at him, “You’re… actually, I don’t know what you are.”
“She’s a colonist, so technically, she isn’t any of our three primary ones.” Dar’nu explained, looking back at the Marine.
“Ahh, understood.” The man nodded, sitting back and starting to count on his fingers, “Orinn and Brinear are To’las… What’s Cav? Or does she not get one? Courtesy of the whole ‘Tralkaen’ thing?”
Mri’na shook her head lightly, “Nah, she’s Xal Tra’as’pi.”
“Tralkaen doesn’t overwrite that?”
Mri’na shook her head again, still focusing on the path, “Nope. Just adds to it.”
The three drove deeper into the city for a bit of time, with Frost’s questions regarding their biology being answered as they went, only stopping when Mri’na decided that they were close enough for her to get a good look around as they went towards her actual, stated, objective location.
“Alright, Frost, if you complain about this walking distance, you’re on biologics duty for a month.” Mri’na stated as she parked and exited the vehicle, Frost and Dar’nu following at almost the same time.
“I’m an endurance predator, I could go just about any distance, I’ll just complain about the time it takes.” Frost chuckled, adjusting his ‘sweater’ as he exited, “I’m more interested about what we’re going to find down here… Never been to an alien planet without a rifle in my hands.”
“Seriously?” Mri’na asked, turning around to look at the Marine.
“No shit. First deployment to now.” Frost nodded, then rolled his eyes and shrugged a bit, “Well, unless we’re talking Mars, but that’s in our solar system.”
“Doesn’t count.” Dar’nu chuckled, falling in line behind Mri’na and walking beside Frost.
“Hey, you guys are supposed to be asleep at this time, yeah? Why aren’t you?” the Human asked, cracking his neck as they walked.
“Oh, I’m heading off to sleep after this, but I wanted to go looking around with less people out.” Mri’na shrugged, looking into the windows of some of the buildings as they passed them.
“Well, I originally came to check on you and then go back to the house to sleep, but I’m just following her now.” Dar’nu sighed, looking over at the Marine.
“Dangerous things happen when you do that.” Frost chuckled, earning himself a rumble from the Aaro’pris, “Don’t hate me for preaching the truth!”
“Your hand. Use it to fornicate.” She muttered back at him.
“‘Go fuck yourself’ is more syllable efficient.” Frost snorted, getting a tail in his face for his troubles.
The group walked towards a different building a bit away from them while talking about their recent experiences on Naz’ari, mainly attempting to catch the man up on what he had missed for the month he was gone. Frost took the time to explain in greater detail what had happened and how he had managed to make it back to their lines, but neither side brought up his ‘death’. Eventually Mri’na directed them towards a tall building and motioned them inside; however, Dar’nu was a little skeptical to enter at first.
“Uhhh… ‘Rin, you are aware of the building that we’re entering, right?” he asked, stuttering a bit, “Like, you know how-”
“You are aware that I have friends in high places, right?” She smiled back in a semi-serious, semi-joking tone.
“I feel like I’m constantly finding out new things about you people.” Frost chuckled, realizing exactly what Dar’nu had meant. The building was clearly of upper-echelon value, and the people inside very clearly matched. While cultures were different, it was easy to tell a large class divide when it was so obviously represented. Mri’na didn’t seem to care in the slightest, in opposition to the two men behind her, and walked through the foyer, past the front desk, and immediately to an elevator, ignoring everyone inside the building.
Dar’nu followed tentatively behind her, and Frost after him. The Marine felt incredibly uncomfortable with the situation, but continued behind the Ma’pris. Once in the elevator, he turned to look at Mri’na, pointing at her.
“You gonna pull a Flu’ron on me and suddenly tell me you’re a noble too?” He sighed. The feline looked at him for a moment before shrugging at him with a smile. Frost paused for a second before looking at her with tired eyes, “Go fuck yourself, really?”
“Not a noble, but a well-known name.” Dar’nu chuckled, watching as the Marine mouthed a string of expletives at them.
“Man… Next I’m going to learn that Orinn’s a prince and you’re a lord, right?” He sighed, starting to count on his fingers, “We’ve got the prize child soldier, high-up name’d woman, something-something ex-mob boss dude, and now I’m just waiting for the rest.”
“Well, Orinn’s actually just a really good soldier.” Mri’na added, “Nothing spec-”
“Really damn good at delta kiting.” Dar’nu smiled, watching Frost for a reaction.
“He’s Tol’as. That’s expected.” Mri’na chuckled, “Now you, on the other hand…”
“Oh, let me guess, this motherfucker is a prodigy of some kind.” Frost grunted, rolling his eyes with a smile.
“No, my family just has a very large amount of farmland that feeds a large part of the northern population.” Dar’nu muttered, clearly not entirely wanting to ‘piss’ the Marine off further.
Frost paused for a second, then turned to look at the two, “Genuine question; why’d you guys join the military?”
“Actually, most of my family has served at some point in their lives, I’m just the one you’re stuck with.” Dar’nu smiled, shrugging a bit, “You’ll probably see some of the other active members soon.”
“To get away from my family.” Mri’na muttered, “It’s… complicated.”
Frost, though intrigued by Mri’na’s answer, didn’t press it further. Though he wouldn’t have gotten the opportunity to have done so either way, as the elevator quickly came to a halt. The doors slid open to reveal an expansive and well-decorated hallway. A large window to the right of the elevator doors revealed exactly how high they were and allowed Frost to see out well over the city.
“Is now a good time to mention that I’m afraid of heights?” Frost muttered, taking a very short glance out of the window.
“Are you kidding?” Mri’na quickly asked, both concerned for the Marine and obviously getting ready to make jokes at his expense.
“Absolutely.” Frost snorted, smacking the Ma’pris on the shoulder, “We did exo-atmospheric HALO jumps for UNITF training. I could jump without a chute and not be worried, at this point.”
“Oh…” the felid grunted, putting on a pout, “I was ready to make so many more jokes about you.”
“It took me six months of training to be rated to leave Earth, and another six to complete the rest of the training and be assigned to a ship.” Frost chuckled, following the feline as she walked to the left and down another hallway, heading towards a large, fancy door, “And my ass had accelerated training because I didn’t have to go through their military basic.”
“Hold on, that’s… that’s a full Earth cycle of training you took!” Dar’nu exclaimed, doing the math in his head, “Why so long?”
“NASA, mainly.” Frost stated, “United States Space Force training is about a quarter the length, though that’s of the full UNITF training doctrine of sixteen months.”
“That’s a long time to do training… The UNITF one, that is.” Dar’nu muttered, quieting his voice as they approached the door.
“Quality over quantity.” Frost whispered back, slowing to a halt as Mri’na pressed something next to the door and spoke into it, though Frost couldn’t quite understand it. The door unlocked and let them in shortly afterwards. Mri’na led them into the room, taking them off to the left and down a hallway that was lined with cases of different weapons from different cultures, species, and time periods. Frost paused in the hall for a moment, looking at the cases spread along the wall and on different pedestals.
“She’s… she’s a bit of a collector, yes. Actually proficient with some of them, however.” Mri’na stated, slowly forcing the Marine along.
“That’s an… Afi’end R-16 carbine, Ma’prisian Type-21 ‘Spiker’, and a Volaxin E-P rifle.” Frost muttered as he went, pointing at the weapons as he went.
“You know those?” Mri’na asked, looking relatively impressed at the man’s knowledge.
“Know? I’m trained on two of them!” Frost chuckled, “The Afi’end gave us a couple R-16s to train on, and we captured an E-P rifle once, and were given training on it.”
“Oh, well then you’re going to love her newest addition.” Mri’na chuckled, continuing to push them forwards.
“Mri’na?” A voice called out from another room, followed by a light metallic ‘clack’, “I didn’t hear you come in!”
“Little busy?” she called back, starting to move the others closer to the source of the voice.
“Yes! As I told you, the my newest shipment made it in yesterday, and I have only just gotten to unpack.”
“You’re going to love the people I brought with me then!” She called back, grinning slyly at Frost.
“You motherfucker! I’m your goddamn rented pineapple!” Frost snorted back, shaking his head at her.
“I don’t understand the reference, but I’m going to agree.” She smiled, bringing Frost around a corner and revealing him to a wider room. On a couch in the middle of the room, a tall, tabby-esque, female Ma’pris was fiddling with a very Human rifle, “Eiv’al, this is Corporal Michael Frost! Our resident Human.”
The Aaro’pris had yet to look up at them until Mri’na mentioned the word ‘Human’. Immediately, the woman looked up, quickly scanned over the three, and shot towards Frost. The man had already braced before she had looked up, so he was not taken too off-guard when she slammed into him and started looking all over him.
“You’re actually a Human!” she exclaimed, stopping just in front of his face for just long enough to speak before inspecting the space suit top on him, “What are you-”
“Long story.” Frost cut her off, shaking his head. It seemed to be enough of an answer for her, as she immediately dragged the Marine towards the couch, sat him down, and quickly picked back up the rifle.
“Well, now I see what you meant about ‘entertainment’.” Dar’nu muttered to Mri’na, waving to the Aaro’pris as he entered.
“Hello Dar’nu!” she yelled back, barely turning around, as she was busy hiding the rifle behind her back.
“You fuckers set me up.” Frost muttered at the two of them, earning a giggly nod from Mri’na, “Well, whatcha need to know?” He asked the woman, who was still withholding the rifle from him.
“How to work this!” She exclaimed, bringing the rifle around and showing it to him, “I cannot get the action to run! My claws will not fit in the grove enough to run it.”
Frost took the rifle and smiled at it, immediately recognizing the look, weight, and feel of it.
“SR sixty-five! Nice!” Frost exclaimed, grabbing the back charging handle and locking the bolt to the rear, “Good fucking gun! I ran it for years in Africa!”
“How’d you do that?” She asked, clarifying and pointing at the locked back bolt, “The… the bolt!”
Frost nodded and dropped the bolt forwards, pointing at the charging handle afterwards, “Back here, this is your charging handle.”
“You said you used that rifle?” she asked, suddenly calming down and sitting down next to the Marine.
“Yeah, back on Earth.” he nodded, “It’s the primary service rifle of the USMC.”
“You don’t use it anymore?” She asked, putting out her hand as a way to ask for the rifle back.
“I use a different version of it.” Frost nodded, handing the rifle back, “SR sixty-eight; AR eighteen recoil system, no heat adaptation system, folding stock, forward charging handle. Also known as the M7A3.”
“What were your thoughts on the rifle?” she asked, running the action to make sure she understood what Frost had meant and eventually accidentally locking the bolt back.
“Reliable, accurate, oddly heavy but very usable.” He stated, smiling at the memories, “I always disabled the automatic open-bolt switching when I was near a desert though. I always figured that I’d be on open bolt mode and accidentally trip, filling the action with sand.”
“You… kill anybody with it?” She asked, not sure if the question was alright to be asked to a Human.
“Oh shit, woman. Literally more than I can count.” Frost laughed, shaking his head, “Literally tons.”
“Oh-” she muttered, freezing up at how quickly he answered.
“Well, now she’s got him started.” Mri’na chuckled, settling down in case Frost started telling stories from Earth.
“Nighttime, brown-tips, night-vision, and unarmored enemies.” Frost chuckled, “That’s a recipe for success.”
“I hear your weapons are loud?” She asked, handing the rifle back to Frost.
“Very.” Dar’nu and Mri’na grunted, looking at the Marine. He simply shrugged at them and tapped his ears.
“Wear ear protection then, dumbass.” Frost chuckled, thumbing the bolt release and letting it slam home. He gave the chamber a check to make sure that the gun was unloaded before he dropped the hammer, handing it back to the woman and pointing out the two bolt releases.
“I guarantee that I have gained more permanent ear damage in the short time working with you than I have in all my previous years of warfighting…” Dar’nu muttered, rubbing just under his ears. At the same time, Eiv’al walked around to the other side of the couch and pulled out another rifle, handing it to Frost as she walked past him.
“Well, you could have handed this one off to Mri’na!” Frost chuckled, taking the Spear rifle from her as she handed it to him.
“Gods! I didn’t realize you had gotten one of those!” the Aaro’pris in question exclaimed, standing up and coming towards them. Frost already prepared to hand off the rifle before she made it to them, leaning back once she had the rifle, “You should have told me!”
“I didn’t realize you knew this rifle.” the woman stated, looking to Frost for clarification.
“She stole one from an armory.” He chuckled, watching as the felid started to go over the weapon again.
“We!” She exclaimed defensively, looking up from the rifle just to snarl at the Marine.
“She stole a spear from an abandoned armory. With my help, of course.” Frost laughed, finally pulling out his concealed sidearm, unloading it, and handing it off to the Aaro’pris beside him, “Careful with this one, it’s actually seen combat.”
The woman excitedly took the sidearm, but was careful in the way she handled it.
“Is this your service pistol? I thought they said you were a Corporal? I thought it was only officers that got sidearms.” She stated, running the slide on the gun.
“Well… actually, I stole her… I think. I honestly can’t remember.” Frost shrugged, watching as she worked the gun, “I kinda just remember having it one day. Named her Rosa.”
“You name your-”
“Don’t get into it.” Dar’nu muttered, stopping her immediately, “These people will packbond with anything.”
“And we’ll come back from the dead too. I don’t hear any stories of Ma’pris coming back.” Frost snorted, leaning back into the chair.
“It happened one time!” Dar’nu chuckled, shaking his head.
“Twice, actually. Remember that I have eighteen units of Ma’prisian blood in me for a reason!” The Marine pointed out, catching the Sig rifle as Mri’na tossed it towards him. Eiv’al looked confused for a moment before leaning over to him and smelling him deeply. Frost, though disturbed at the action, didn’t move too far away, instead just opting to look at her with concern.
“You… good?” He asked, watching as she pulled back.
“Gods above, that’s why you smell so weird.” she muttered, leaning back in to smell him again, “You do have a disturbing amount of Ma’prisian blood in you.”
“What’s disturbing is that you can smell it through me…” Frost muttered, finally pulling back from her.
“Actually, it caused a marked change in your scent, Frost. Everybody can smell it.” Mri’na stated, watching as Frost started to disassemble the rifle in his hands.
“It’s all tactics.” Frost chuckled, making sure the recoil spring didn’t rocket out of the rifle when he took the bolt out of the rifle, “Everybody’s used to my scent, so I just decided to lose the large majority of my blood so I could change my smell.”
“I mean, it worked. You smell completely different.” Mri’na muttered, motioning to Eiv’al to pass her the M7 rifle.
She passed the woman the M7 rifle and continued looking at Frost’s pistol, eventually turning to look at the Marine and pass the sidearm back.
“Going back to you, Human.” Eiv’al nodded, watching as Frost put the pistol back, “You have been working with the 403rd for a long time, longer than what you were supposed to be.”
“It’s been a looong month.” Frost chuckled, inspecting the bolt of the rifle.
“What is it like, working with a species that is…” She paused, struggling to find a word.
“Biologically superior?” Dar’nu laughed.
“A better hunter in nearly every way?” Mri’na added, pointing at Frost as well.
Frost snorted and shook his head, putting down the rifle and sliding his suit top off himself and putting it on his lap, “Alright, how about you guys put this on, put on a filled backpack, take a twenty klik run, then come back to me?”
The two felines chuckled a bit, but they did understand what he meant.
“Anyway… they’re not entirely wrong.” the woman finally continued, turning back to Frost.
“Ok, fuck you too.” Frost muttered, but he did understand what she meant.
“No! I don’t mean it like-” She immediately backtracked, earning another laugh from Frost.
“No, I understand. Trust me, I’ve gotten the live show.” he sighed, pulling up his shirt to show the set of scars where a Col’is’a had attacked him.
“Gods.” she muttered, looking over the scars before pulling back and looking at him again, “So… how do you work with them?”
“Well, they slow down for me, I think.” the man nodded, looking at the felines for confirmation.
“We do have to, yes.” Mri’na confirmed, “Though, it is not too bad for us to slow down every once in a while.”
“Human, how do your weapons compare to ours? The frontline ones, that is. Not our gauss rifles.” she asked, watching as Frost reassembled the rifle.
“Well… they compare, that’s for certain.” Frost muttered, putting up a finger to stop Mri’na before she talked, “They’re less effective against shields and vehicles, as concentrated KP fire will just melt through armor. However, their range is relatively ass, and concealment is cover, where they’re concerned.”
Mri’na waited for Frost to finish before talking before motioning for the Marine to give her the rifle.
“I can generally engage further out than the rest of them, but unless I’m actually there to provide suppression or long-range support, I wait for everybody to be close enough.” Frost nodded, pausing just long enough to give Mri’na the rifle, “Her and I have been a sniper team before. Though I’m not entirely sure how we were penning the shields in one shot.”
“We had deployed a shield discriminator in the location without telling anyone.” Dar’nu stated, “Killed everybody’s shields, you were easily the most protected one there.”
“Let me know next time you’re gonna do some shit like that.” Frost stated, nodding up at Dar’nu, “I’ve got the plates, you don’t. Let me in closer.”
“We do have armor, you know that, right?” Mri’na asked, sitting back down.
“What, your dragonscale flak jacket?” Frost asked, raising an eyebrow at her, “I’d rather the rifle rated plates from the nine-eighty-one gravity well.”
“I’d say that I need some of your peoples’ armors, but they’re heavy as all hells.” Dar’nu sighed, looking blankly out one of the windows.
“My whole armor set only weighs about twenty-five pounds, you could run it.” the human chuckled, “But no matter how much damn armor I wear, I keep getting fucked up.”
“Oh?” Eiv’al asked, watching Frost’s face drop.
“Yeah, I’ve had nothing but my shit kicked in for around six months now.”
Eiv’al stopped to think for a moment before inhaling deeply, “Here’s the big question then: if asked would you join them again?”
Frost sighed heavily, pausing to think over the question. He opened his mouth to speak, but he closed it again to think over his words.
“Having gotten to work with both the 403rd and not the 403rd, I believe that I would not do it again unless it was the 403rd.” He stated, nodding at the two felines in his squad, “Us Humans need a whole fuckton more work to really become viable here, and we’re not going to be speeding up to match you guys anytime soon.”
“Really?” Mri’na asked incredulously, “We’re the ones you’d go for?”
“Yeah, when I was with the other team, it really didn’t seem like they wanted me, nor did they want to have to slow down to my level, which is understandable.” he shrugged.
“Actually, Vi’ail’ica quite liked having you in there. Slowing down a bit actually seemed to keep them a bit safer.” the Aaro’pris stated, shaking her head at him.
Frost was mildly surprised at her statement, but still stuck to his opinion, “Be that as it may, I have never had to do this much hand-to-hand combat in an actual combat scenario until this point. Unless I’m working for you guys, I’m not doing this again.”

It's been a while since I've done one of these, so here you go.
I'm awaken at 830AM by a friend of mine in Philly. He is cheap. He easily makes more than me, and has a ton of money. He is the cheapest motherfucker ever. He asks me if he flies into Baton Rouge, what public transportation options exist because he does not want the expense of renting a car.
BITCH THIS IS LOUISIANA. THERE IS NO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION. I curse him out and wake up and get to work.
Emails!
Subject: Pics
Message: Pics of the item you are saling
FC: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEO6gYCFbr0
Editors note: in 2024, you no longer sell a gun, or have a gun for sale. Your gun is "for sell" or "saling a gun" in today's vernacular. No, I do not understand this nor do I wish to live on this planet anymore.
Phone calls:

1. Guy wants me to fix his sterling. Not sterling SMG. Sterling handgun. I've never heard of it and he says its in dire need of repair. I don't think I can help him but I ask him to email me pics and what's wrong with it and I'll see what I can do or suggest someone. He never does.
   
2. 19 guys want to buy my house and I'm gonna sue all of them. This is insanity. I get 9 medicare calls, 10 scams, my phone is ringing off the hook.
   

Email from a debt consolidator. I threatened to sue them and they pay me $2,000. This is in addition to the $1500 they paid me last year when I threatened to sue them. How dumb are these fucking people to call me AGAIN? So far for this week this is $6500 in the bank from settlements. There's another $6k in the pipeline for next week. This is the greatest thing I've ever done in my life (and I've done some really great things!) They also gave up their lead generator who I'm gonna sue. This is not a bad friday.
If you all want a podcast or google meet where I tell you how to sue telemarketers so you can buy more guns, I would be down for that. This shit is amazing.
I head out to lunch to a local deli. I look up and the glare from my truck's windshield makes me not able to see jack shit. I see a shape that looks vaguely familiar. I grab my phone and facebook message an an old friend of mine who went to high school with me and went BACK to the old school to teach. She's the one that asked me to do career day with guns a few years ago.
Messsage: Look up.
I hear laughter and she comes over.
FC: I knew that shape looked familar!
1: LOL! Shape! The shape of a fat middle aged lesbian girl?
We say hi. I meet her girlfriend, and they're very nice people. I never thought I'd ever do a guns post titled "FC meets two middle aged lesbians" but here we are!
They're on vacation and taking a cruise to hawaii and flying out this weekend. I think it's awesome. The following exchange happens.
1: Will, have you met my girlfriend Jessica?
2: Hi! We've never met before but we talk about you all the time!
FC: Actually we've met before at trivia, you all showed up during spring break and my team was competing against yours. Also "We talk about you all the time"? Are you sure that's how you want to live the best life? That is NOT GOOD by any metric. Is that something you really want to admit to in public?
1 just about spit takes and falls over laughing. 2 thinks I am nuts. Maybe they're both right.
1: What she MEANT to say was we need a gun and we keep meaning to message you and get on your calendar to see what's good. One of the school cops is getting a membership to the gun club and he's invited us to go out and try a bunch of things.
FC: Hold up your hand.
(1 holds up her hand)
FC: Glock 19, HK VP9, or S&W M&P. Keep it simple, 9mm striker and if that does not work look at the PSA Dagger, Sig 320 or the Glock 43X.
1: Okay, we'll try to check those out.
FC: Let me know if you need anything, I'll make some time if you want to go out. I'm playing trivia tomorrow, wanna join? Oh wait you've already got plans.
1: We're gonna chaperone the middle school dance tomorrow and then we're on a boat!
FC: Well have lots of fun, you do you.
I get back to work. Finance company bullshit for the rest of the afternoon. I'm at my desk when Fedex rolls in. Drops off a SCAR 17S I've had on backorder. I throw it up on the company facebook page. Facebook promptly suspends me for advertising guns as a gun business because "Our technology thinks that you violated community standards"
Tell me something Mark Zuckerberg. In 1969 we put a MAN ON THE FUCKING MOON. In 2024 your fucking AI can't tell the difference between a FIREARM RETAILER and an individual? So fucking dumb.
I appeal the ban. Facebook removes the ban.
I get an email from a guy.
Subject: SCAR 17
Message: Shouldn't these be $3000 and not $3800?
Message deleted.
It's quitting time. I hit the door running. It's steak night.
Bye everyone!

“Well Sir, It wuz about 1997 I reckon and I wuz out at my still site making me sum product. I had to produce 500 gallons of hooch in jest a couple days or I wuz gonna be in sum BIG trouble. Ya see, about a week ago I wint inta town a’fore my monthly trip fo supplies. This is whin I gits my corn and sugar, and my Sudafed.”
“Well, my monthly town trip usually takes up the good part of the day. After I finish I usually go down to the local cat house to wet my noodle and then hit a local hotspot, “The Lynchin’ Tree”, fer some of the devil’s nectar and good times.”
“So on this here particular night I wuz jest a sittin’ and a drinkin’ at the bar in the “Tree”. All a sudden this here sweet little thang saddled up a’side me at da bar in one of them thar mini skertz and having one of the best “fuck me silly” looks I ever seen in her eyes. She wuz a petite little brunette with curly hair, a dark complexion, and blow job lips.”
“Now Sir, I shoulda jest turned around, got off’n my bar stool and shot sum pool er sumthin. Hell, I had already been to the cat house tonight and got my fill. I had me 3 sloots at the whore house at one time. I picked out a chank, a wetback, and a negro girl. Then we played “Slave Master and Rebellion”, which be a lil foreplayin game I went and made up. Then we all fucks each other, with strap-ons, and dildos, and wax covered axe handles. Anything and everthang goes!”
“So I got done ober at da hoe house a lil late tonight. Ya see, tonight thangs got a little too wild. After the help cleaned up all the blood and jizz soaked sheets, shit covered walls, and the purple dildo stuck in the wall, they found that thar little chink girl dead. I don’t know what happened to ‘er. It must of jest been her time, I reckon. Clearly it wuz natural causes. But I had to help the house clean up the mess.”
“Ya see, this here little ching-chong girl wuz imported. She wuz recruited from over seas to be in the Jizz-Biz. But don’t gits the wrong idea about Old Roy. I ain’t no pervert. I always makes sure they of legal age a’fer I violates them. You can tell by countin the rings inside thar vaginas. Remember: Less than 5 and yer gettin’ life; 6 or more and ya bang dat whore!”
“Now, this here weak-Constitutioned chinky chick wuz a’gonna be a problem fer the house because she wuz leased out to ‘em, ya know what I mean? She was owned by one of them thar sex trafficking cartels, and the house wuz gonna have to pay dearly fer losin’ cartel proppitty.”
“Now Old Roy is one of them thar ‘always thinkin on his feet’ kind of fellers. I knew the house wuz going to be right pissed off about this. If they didn’t kilt me, then the sex trafficking cartel would. So while all eyes were on the dead chink’s contorted body, I dived out the winder and ran fer it.”
“Of course, I shoulda high-tailed it back home to Sasquatch Hollar. But I really wanted that drink at ‘The Lynchin’ Tree’ a’fer I wint home. Plus, I had an appointment to meet with my H dealer, Old Wild Bill from Thomasville. We wuz gonna transact sum biznez then have us a friendly game of pool. So I decided to take me one of them thar calculated risks and head on over to the ‘Tree’.”
“Now, back to where I wuz. I wuz sittin at the bar when this hot little thang with the “fuck me silly” eyes and the “bend me over right here” mini skert sat down beside me. I knew she wuz trouble when I noticed the knife scar on her right cheek. Nonetheless, when my old hawg laig smells him sum good old pussy, he takes over as captain of the ship.”
“Well, to cut to the chase, about 10 minutes later I had this black-haired beauty bent over the toilet in the men’s room as I plowed her from behind. Then I thought, ‘fuck it, I ain’t a never gonna see this bitch again.’ Then I pulled out and planted my cock right up her colon. She gasped and lunged to one side. This caused her to get out of balance. The next thang I knew, I heard a great big old “THUNK!!!” “SPLASH!!!” Turns out she went head first right into the toilet!”
“Being the gentleman I is, I slowed down my pumpin jest a bit and asked ‘Is you ok, bitch?’ There wuz no answer. ‘Uh oh!’ I thought. I squinted my eyes and looked at the toilet. It wuz undoubtedly covered in a shiny red liquid. ‘Oh shit’, I thought. The first thang to shoot inta my mind wuz that I better bring this little romantic liaison to a conclusion. So I started a’pumpin’ and a’thumpin that ass double time, before that thar rigor mortis sets in.”
“Then ‘BOOM!’.... I deposited my seed. As I composed myself, I looked down at her head in the toilet bowel. It is a shame this poor girl had to go this way. I started to feel a twinge of regret now fer not flushin’ the toilet after I took that dump. It is a god-awful mess in thar! But little did I know in that brief moment that things were abouts to get much worse!”
“Alla sudden the door busts open. And when I say busts open, I mean it shattered inta pieces!! 2 big assed, swarthy Arab lookin gorillas barged in, punched me right in my face, then dragged me out in the bar room. I am stunned. We are jest a standing there, one gorilla on each side of me, when I notice sumthin strange: the whole bar wuz now empty. ‘WTF?!?!’, I thought. Jest 10 minutes early this place wuz jumpin. Now it’s completely empty!”
“I heard the squeaky front door open and looked in that direction. In walks this slick dressed Persian guy, wearing him a black silk shirt, white slacks, greased-back hair, and about 75 lbs of gold chains around his neck. He walks right up to me and asks me if I know who he is. I decided to guess. ‘Is you da 7-11 owner?’ The swarthy guy shook his head. I decided to guess again. ‘Saddam Hussein?’ The guy smiled.”
“Then the magic carpet dealer spoke. He said ‘You killed one of my best girls tonight, Moo-Shoo Pie. You owe me.’ I asked ‘Who?’ He replied ‘The girl in the whore house.’ I sed, ‘Sheeyit, man, that lil old bitch died of natural causes.’ The pecker head smiled and sed, “It is not natural to die with a dildo lodged so far up one’s anus that it cannot be extracted.’”
“So then I starts to get a little ornery. ‘Look, ya greasy f#ggot, what it is exactly that you want? Stop a waistin my FUCKING TIME and get to the point!’, I sed. The cocaine I snorted earlier wuz starting to kick in real good about now.”
“The smug Persian prick continued, ‘You owe me for the girl. She was my property. I stated my price. Pay me now or die.’ I looked at him, squinted my eyes, and sed, ‘You did not state me no price, you lyin, Lilly-livered, chunk of dog sheet!’”
“Now the Persian twat was lookin irritated. He sed, ‘Irma gave you the price.’ I shrugged. ‘Irma, I sent her ahead in an attempt to resolve this nasty matter before I arrived’, he sed. Then one of those big gorillas around me cleared his throat and sed ‘Uh, Sir, Irma is in the restroom back there.’ I sed ‘Oh, that wuz Irma? Oh yeah! I knows her. I fucked her to death!’”
“Well, Sir, that Persian punk inspected Irma’s body in the can, head all bloody and covered in poop in the toilet. Then he flew into a rage! He pulled out 2 scimitars from his pants! How he carried them in his pants without choppin off his ding-dong, I’ll never figure out. Then he started yellin all sorts of Iranian jibber-jabber. I think he meant to kill me.”
“The Persian’s freak out unnerved the two gorillas at my sides, so they let me go and backed away. The Persian is twirling his blades and yelling, like sum deranged Benihana f#ggot. Then he stopped and stared at me. Rage boiled in his eyes. He slowly raised the sword he held in his right hand and pointed at me with it. His voice quivering, he whispered, ‘Now you die.’”
“Now, I hated to ruin this swarthy little fucker’s wet dream, but I wuz not a gonna let sum fucker slice and dice me. I drew both my pistols at one time. I first pointed them out to my sides and at the gorillas. Double taps in both of their heads... ‘BAM BAM!’ They both fell like stones.”
“Ya see, Old Uncle Roy may be crazy, but he ain’t stupid. I always pack heat in case I need to get out of a sticky situation. Tonight I wuz packing me a couple of Model 30 Glocks (.45 ACP). Those two swarthy gorillas did not even pat me down. What fucking idiots!”
“I then pointed both my pistols at the Persian Prick. His eyes grew wide and wild. I sed ‘Say hello to Allah, you Iranian prick’, then opened fire.”
By this time I had been in town fer jest a few hours, but there wuz now a total of 5 bodies floatin’ around in my wake. I thought to myself, ‘shit-far! I needs to git!’ And git is jest what I did! I hauled ass back to Sasquatch Hollar.”
“Well, about lunch time the next day, the sheriff came up to see me. I wuz tannin a Bigfoot hide when I herd footsteps coming up the trail. ‘Goddamn revenewers’, I thought. I reached over fer my shootin iron leaned up agin the woodpile, An FN Ballista chambered in .338 Lapua. Then I heard a familiar voice call out: ‘ROY!! IT’S SHERIFF STEEL. DON’T SHOOT!’ I raised my rifle.”
“Well then, old Sheriff stepped out of the woods. I lowered my shootin iron and motioned him to approach. Old sheriff is one of the few folks knows how ta finds me. Ya see, we have us a little sideline deal where he lets my bootleggers run free in the county in return fo a cash kickback to him. Now, I could jest send him on a vacation to Belize. But ya never know who ya gonna gits next. So’s I jest deals with the old feller and let him think he’s in charge.”
“Sheriff walked up ta me and sed ‘Howdy, Roy’. I responded, ‘Go git fucked, ya pig.’ Sheriff hated when I talked like this. He continued, ‘Now Roy, don’t be like that. We got a real problem here. You killed FIVE people last night’. I sed, ‘shit-fire, Sheriff, you can’t prove that.’ Sheriff shook his old head and sed, ‘Roy, the state police came down this morning. They got your DNA from those two girls, and they dug bullets out of those 3 other bodies. It’s just a matter of time before they all get linked back to you.’ I asked Sheriff, ‘What’s this here “DNA” bullshit? Is that thar sum kind of leftist agenda that Hillary Clinton is behind? That nasty bitch!’”
“Old Sheriff was cucked cause he could be implicated in my shine venture.... and my meth venture.... and my endangered specie animal parts trafficking venture. Sheriff wuz a real pussy, and a potential witness. I started to reach fer my pistol tucked away in my jacket when Sheriff told me we could cut a deal with the head Statie.”
“‘What the fuck you talkin bout, Sheriff’, I asked. That crazy old coot said that the head of the state police wuz wanting to get in the shine business. Sheriff had gave him sum of Old Roy’s shine recently and it seems he had a fit over it. In fact, he wuz interested in getting a hold of sum of my shine and distributing it out toward the coast. Sheriff seems to think that if’n I offered him a taste of the action then he may overlook all that nasty business that went down last night.”
“I sighed. Then I sed to Sheriff, ‘Shit fire. I reckon you better set up a meetin.’ Sheriff nodded. He called that Statie sumbitch. Of course, I don’t git none of them pussy cell signals up’n here, so Sheriff had to hump it down the hill. Then shit started bothering me. Sheriff never came back. I started to gits paranoid. That sumbitch useless Sheriff might leads them Staties right up to my cabin. So I decided to get all my weapons ready and prepare fer a fire fight!”
“Bout 8:00 pm that night I heard a knocking on my cabin door. I looked on my CCTV monitor showing my front door. It wuz Sheriff And sum dipshit looking guy. ‘Well shit, I guess I better see what this wuz about”, I thought to myself.”
“Now obviously I gots my cabin booby trapped. I flipped my remote trigger and gassed both of them at my front door. It didn’t harm ‘em any. It jest knocks them out fer a few minutes. I installed the system myself! This allowed me to drag ‘em both inta the cabin and tie ‘em up. I left both of ‘em tied up on the floor then wint out and scanned for interlopers. It wuz quiet. Real quiet.”
“When them two sumbitches regained consciousness we had us a little talk. Sheriff said ‘Goddamnit, Roy! Why’d ya go and do a fool thing like that? My head is killing me!’ I told Sheriff to shut the fuck up. Now that Statie wuz pissed. He started making threats and all sorts of bad noise about how he wuz gonna burn me. He wuz clearly one of them thar alpha males, all purty and assertive.”
“Well, Sir, I don’t like them thar alpha males much. So I took my M-14, which I happened to have handy, and violently struck that sumbitch Statie right in his fucking face with the butt of my gun stock. Boy howdy! That city boy started squallin like a stuck hog! Blood wuz jest a pourin outa his nose! Heh heh heh!! I told him to shut the fuck up or I wuz gonna hit him again. Then he finally settled down enough fer me ta talk to him.”
“I looked eye to eye with that Statie sum bitch and sed, ‘Look, cunt, you and I is gonna have ta come to an understanding. Now I may be a willin to let you in on my shine biznezz if’n you cover up sum thangs that may have happened last night down in town. Hell, you can do that real easy like. You fellers do that all the time anyway, don’t ya? Jest pick you out a black feller and blame him fer the misdeeds. If’n you do that fer me, then I let you distribute my shine outside the county fer 10% of the revenue. You got that, pig?’”
“Now, clearly the pig did not git it. I could tell by the way he wuz lookin at me that he wuz not gettin it at all. I sed, ‘Well, boy, you jest fucked yoself.’ Then ‘BOOM!!!’ The report from the muzzle of my trusty old M-14 were a’deafening. Then I looked over at Sheriff. He wuz jest a shaken’. I called him a ‘shithead’, then ‘BOOM!!!’. Goddamn!! My ears were jest a’ rangin!”
“Then came another knock on my door. ‘Shit fire!’, I sed. They dun fucked me. I checked the CCTV feed of my front door. It wuz just one feller this time. He wuz dressed in a black suit and he wuz wearin black sun glasses. ‘Oh fuck’, I thunk, ‘It am a Men in Black!’ So I grabbed my AR-10 layin up agin the farplace, snapped back the chargin handle, and pointed it at the cabin door. I yelled at the door, ‘Prepare to die, cocksucker!!’”
“But before I could unleash a fury of .308 firepower this sumbitch comes a’ crashin through the winder. Goddamn it! I fergot to shutter them sumbitchin winders!!”
“That thar Men in Black muthafucka wuz up in an instant. He had a Sig P226 trained on my head. He told me to drop my gun. I sed to him ‘Fuck you’. Ya see, obviously if the Men in Black wuz in on this matter then I had sumthang they wanted. I wuz in the driver’s Seat in this here situation!”
“ ‘BANG!!!!’ That sumbitch shot me in the thigh! ‘You dirty sumbitch! When I gits my hands on you I gonna rip ya limb for limb’, I Says. Then BOOM! I hit the floor. The pain in my laig wuz searing!”
“Well, Sir, that there sumbitch walks over and stands over me. He asked, ‘Do you know who I am?’ I says ‘Yeah, you am the sumbitch that jest shot me in ma leg, ASSHOLE!!’ He smirked. Then he sed ‘No, Sir. My name is James Carville, and I work for a man who wants to procure some of your corn liquor.’”
“Now, up close this is one scary looking pecker. And he spoke with a southern twang, he did. But it twernt no dialect from the hill country. No sir! This scrawny little prick sounded Cajun or sumthin. Now I don’t like me no Cajun. Uhhhh uh! No sir! Thems sum chicken fuckin’ sumbitches down thar!”
“I queried the skanky lookin stranger, ‘Who be yo boss, stick man?’, I asked. He answered my question with one of his own, ‘Who is the President Of The United States?’ I answered, ‘As far as is I be concerned, there be no president like Mr. Ronald Reagan, the greatest American to set foot in Washington DC in a might long time!’ He sed ‘No, I mean who is the president TODAY, in 1997?’ I sed, ‘Well I reckon that be that lyin’ bitch-cunt, Hillary Clinton.’”
“Well my last comment caused the stranger’s face to contort a bit, like he did not know what to say. Then the feller busted out laughing his fool hed off! He wuz a slapping his knee and repeating “bitch-cunt”, which seemed to rile him up and make him laugh that much harder.”
“Finally the stranger settled his ass down. He told me he had not laughed that hard in a long time. Then he spoke calmly and sed ‘Look, Roy, my boss is called Bubba. He’s just a good old boy from Arkansas. But when we was in North Carolina campaigning he somehow got his hands on a jar of your shine. He was told that this particular jar contained a special brew that was called ‘Snow White’. Apparently it was called that because it contained something that would put people to sleep.’ “
“I remembered that run of liquor. I spiked it with ruffies, a/k/a the date rape drug. I also spanked it hard with watermelon and sugars so that the bitches would drank it. A couple sips and the bitch wuz out like a light! I did not particularly like it my own self. But I had a buyer from up north who bought all I could produce. He had him a strange name too.... Sumthin like “Jello Pop man”. I mean, I don’t rightly care what he wuz a doin wit it. I jest cared that his money wuz good. And it wuz always good!”
“So I said ‘So let me see if’n I gots this right. You wants me to brew you up sum my date rape liquor for old Wild Bill Clinton?’ The stranger nodded and sed ‘Yep, that’s right.’ Then I asked, ‘What’s in it a’ fore old Roy here?’ The stranger looked incredulously at me.”
“The stranger sed ‘Roy! Roy, Roy, Roy, my boy! You just killed 7 people!’ ‘ALLEGEDLY’, I added. The stranger then added, ‘We can make all that nasty business go away, but to do that you got to produce that Snow White Shine. Bubba wants 500 gallons in two days. If you deliver, then all is forgotten. But if you don’t, then you are going to hang, boy. Do you understand?’ I nodded, then protested, sayin ‘that’s $50,000.00 in revenue you is askin me to give up. Is you crazy???’ The stranger sed, ‘if you go to jail then you ain’t making shit except cheap wine in a toilet bowl.’ I pondered a moment.”
“Now usually I don’t take too well with being blackmailed. But this here wuz different. These wuz the fukin Clintons, one of the most dangerous crime families ever. Even if I twere ta git rid of this Carville asshole, those slimy Clintons would send more thugs after me. Under the circumstances I wuz fucked! I guess I had to look at that lost revenue as being the price fer my freedom.”
“I told Carville that it wuz a Deal. He nodded and shook my hand. I asked him how they wuz gonna clear me of all those homicides. He sed they would just get sum ‘dumbass negro’ and pin it all on him.’
“Now, I had to get 500 gallons of Snow White ready fer pickup in 48 hours. I had me a lot of work to do!”
“This here is how the story started off, and we are back at square one. I is out at my still sight jest a brewin up a storm! I had me a retarded boy named Tyrone wit me as my still hand. Old Tyrone ain’t gots much smarts, but he do as I say when I say it. This here job wuz so damn big I had to have the help. This wuz gonna take ever bit of that 48 hours!”
“So there we wuz, runnin shine. It wuz after midnight and we wuz already on our third run. Suddenly there was a ‘boom’ and a loud ‘clang!’ sound. I saw the rock after it bounced off my copper pot. ‘What in tarnation?’ I thought. Is somebody throwing rocks at me? I ain’t got no time fer that shit. Then ‘PING!!’.... another rock hit my still. Something wuz goin on. I knew that there wuz only one thing that would be throwing rocks at a still sight in the middle of the night: a goddamn Sasquatch!!”
“Well I let out an angry scream: ‘I AIN’T A’GOT NO TIME FER YER HIJINKS TOONITE, YA GODDAMN MONKEY-MAN! I GOTS ME SUM SERIOUS BUSINESS TO TEND TO!!’ I wuz pissed!!”
“Then I saw two glowin red eyes starin at me. They wuz about 10 yards er so inta the woodline. Well sir, that wuz it. All the stress of the manhunt and the Clinton butt-fukin, was a’gettin to me. I wuz pissed and I wuz gonna take it out on this here Sasquatch beast, right here and right NOW!”
“I immediately took off the bayonet from my trusty old M-14 and then leaned her up agin a tree. I needed sum cathartic release. So I aimed to whup this critter’s ass in hand-to-hand combat! Just fists and steel!”
“ I stormed off toward them red glowin eyes in the dark. As I walked up on that thar critter I began to realize how big it be. It wuz a good 16 feet tall, minimum! And prolly 7 feet across the chest. As the gravity of my miscalculation sunk in I sed to myself ‘You dun fucked up, Roy’. Those red blazin eyes twere a’starin down at me, cutting right to my soul!”
“Then sumthang phenomenal happened. That thar Sasquatch raised its arm and waived it over its head in a half-circle motion. Then ‘BOOM!!!!!’ We, The Sasquatch critter and I, were surrounded by a pulsating lime-green light! I looked down at what used to be ground and there were nuthin there!!! ABSOLUTELY NUTHIN!! I looked up above me and it wuz exactly the same thang! It wuz like we wuz floatin in a lime green tube!!!”
“Lookin back I now know I wuz in one of them thar portals, and that the Bigfoot activated it! I had heard talk of sech, but I didn’t believe it. But there I wuz, right in the middle of it!”
“Now that thar Bigfoot wuz a standin and gazing down at yers truly. But it wuz no longer emitting a threatening vibe. It wuz more like my host, or guide.”
“This dang sorcerer Bigfoot then stepped aside to reveal a rock table behind it. It looked like one of them thar satanic execution ritual tables. On this table we’re 3 thangs. First wuz a photo of that rat-bastard, crooked sum bitch, Bill Clinton, and that Men in Black prick, James Carville. Next wuz a hit order from the CIA directing that sum feller names “Vincent Foster” be wiped out. I’m familiar with these orders from back in my military days during and after Nam. They am HIGHLY top secret. This here particular death warrant wuz signed ‘William Jefferson Clinton, by HRC’. Shocking!! Finally, the third object on the table wuz a blue dress with an obvious jizz stain on it.”
“I could not believe it. This dagnammit Sasquatch wuz helpin me!! It knew that Bill Clinton wuz a’tryin to fuck me like one of his whores, and it wuz tryin to help old Roy out of a tough spot. Maybe I had misjudged these smelly beasts. Or maybe it had come to respect old Roy after our many scuff ups.”
“That thar big old Sasquatch motioned me to collect the items on the execution table, which I did. Then I looked up into those burning red eyes of the spectral beast and nodded my thanks. The beast then made that semi-circle motion with its arm again and BOOM! I wuz back in the woods again. But that supernatural Sasquatch wuz a’nowhere To be found. That wuz sum freaky bullshit right thar!”
“Then I heard old Tyrone shoutin fer me, ‘Mister Roy!! Mister Roy!!’ I stepped out of the woods and back into my still site. I told Tyrone it wuz ok. I also told him he could run along. Tyrone asked ‘But what about that dirty rat-bastard Bill Clinton?’ I sed, ‘Don’t you worry none about that. I gots me sum ammunition against that dirty cunt and her husband. Now fuck off.’”
“By the time old fuck-face Carville and I met 2 days later the cum dress scandal had hit the media. I had made sum phone calls and I got the rag in the right hands. I handed Carville a copy of the hit order on Vincent Foster. This wuz my insurance policy. I told that shit-head, ‘Now, that jizz-stained dress wuz to show you I wuz serious. You try to fuck me any more and I will instruct my media contact to release the hit order and all you scum-fuckers in the Clinton mafia are goin down.’ Carville demanded to know how I got these thangs. I unzipped my trousers and pulled out my big old wang and sed ‘Carville, I got you over the barrel. If’n you don’t check that insolent tone I is gonna make ya take it up the poop shoot ... in addition to suckin my big whompin stick.’”
“Well, old Carville bowed his head because he knowed that he’d been beat. Then he got down on his knees at Old Roy’s feet. Roy sed ‘open wide if’n you never seen one like this before! I dun warned you once, you ugly sumbitch, and now ya gonna be my whore!’”
“And that is how I got over on that rotten sumbitch, Bill Clinton. All them thar dead bodies got swept under the rug. The pigs found them not only a black man to blame, but he wuz also one of them thar Muslim dudes! Of course that whoring suck, Bill Clinton, stepped in and took credit for nabbing a “terrorist” so he could get positive news coverage. Then when that skank-bitch Hillary Clinton found out this Muslim sumbitch was a’bein railroaded to keep the Vincent Foster murder covered up, she immediately had old ‘Tyrone Muhammad Jones’ murdered before he even went to trial. So they still ended up fucking me by shortin’ me a still hand! Dirty motherfuckers! I ain’t never known nobody that can get fucked yet still come out on top like that. That goddamn Bill and Hillary Clinton positively made deals with the Devil.”

“Well, Sir, it dun started one night at the county lockup. Ya see, I had come to town fer my monthly supply trip. Per usual, once a month I hook up my old mule, Mabel, to my wagon and ride off inta town. I first stop by the dry goods store to git me sum food stuffs. Then I go by the general store to git me sum reloading supplies. Then I go by my “doctor” ta refill my prescription fer sum of that old sweet H. And of course I pick me up sum corn and sugar, and a shit-ton of sudyfed. Then, if time permits, I stop in at the whore house. As usual, my trouble on this trip began at the whore house.”
“Ya see, I had picked me out this cute little Mexican chick to bang. She took me back to her room. Once in her shagging chamber, instead of immediately takin her drawers off, she grabbed me up all tight and sed ‘I have heard talk of the Great Roy and his great sasquatch cock!’ I sed, ‘Honey, yo pussy is gonna be sore fer a week after tonight.’ Then she put a hand on my belly and started rubbing. Slowly, she worked her way downward, until she came across something hard. She sed ‘Ohhhhh... Is that a gun or are you just glad to see me?’”
“BOOM!!!! It wuz my gun. The dumb bitch got a hold of my Sig that I had stuffed in my pants and managed to cause it to discharge ... right inta her belly! She had a look of horror on her face, feeling that hot lead burning a hole through her tender flesh. I sed ‘You dumb bitch!’ Fortunately, I had not paid her yet.”
“So, I went back out to the parlor and found the Madame. I sed, ‘Shit, that dumb leaf-blower dun shot herself with my gun! Git me another whore! Right now!’ But the Madame wuz none too happy, telling me that the little Mexican chick was a good earner, and that she wuz not paid fer yet. I sed ‘I don’t gives a good fuck bout none of that. I came here to get my freak on and that wuz jest what I intend on doing.’ Well jest about them, sum old dark skinned fella named ‘Escobar’ came a’walkin in.”
“Escobar wuz apparently the dude who supplied the local Madame with whores. The Madame filled him in on what had transpired in the back room. Then Escobar turned his attention toward me. He sed ‘Senor Roy, you owe me. The cost of that whore is $5,000.00. I expect payment RIGHT NOW.’ I sed, ‘Well, shit. Let me looky see if’n I got that much on me.’ I started fishin around in my pockets, like I wuz looking fer cash. Instead, I found my lil old Smith .357 magum, which I promptly drawed.”
“BAM BAM BAM!!!! Escobar hit the floor with a THUD. Unfortunately, sum of Escobar’s associates were jest outside the door. We got into a shootout in the goddamn whore house. Once the smoke cleared, Escobar’s associates were down, as were 5 of the whores. The old Madam wuz REALLY pissed now. She got all up in Old Roy’s face about shooting up her place. That’s when I bitch-slapped her and told her she still owed me a roll in the hay.”
“Right about then I heard the police sirens blarin’. I looked at the Madam and sed ‘You dumb bitch!! Did you call the fucking fuzz on me? Then I back-handed her like she were a red headed step-child.”
“After a minute the local SWAT Team came crashing through the front door of the whore house. Now, the local SWAT Team consists of that sorry-assed, fat-fuck, old Sheriff, His Chief Deputy, Bubba, and his new deputy, Sanchez. They came a’charging in thar, guns drawn, and hollaring fer everyone to hit the floor. In fact, Old Sanchez got right up in my face, waving that lil pussy 9 milly in my face like sum kind of retarded Nick Nolte from “48 Hours”.
“Well, I snatched that lil pistol from Sanchez and pistol whipped the shit outa him with it. As I did it, Bubba stood thar with his mouth hanging open while Old Sheriff did the same. Once Sanchez wuz lyin there unconscious, Sheriff walked over to me and sed, ‘Roy! Now why did you go and do THAT?!? Sanchez is NEW on the force.”
“The Madame came running up to Sheriff telling him all sorts of shit and demanding that he arrest me. I told her to shut the fuck up. Sheriff looked back at me and asked, ‘Now, Roy, tell me what really happened here.’ Now during all this excitement, I failed to notice that Madame had a fucking taser in her hand. She stuck that fuck in my crotch and tased the shit outa my balls. Now let me tell ya something, getting tased in the nads is not at all a pleasant experience. That rat-bastard, Sanchez, came to while I wuz on the floor getting my taters fried, and handcuffed me. I ended up in the local lockup that night.”
“So thar I wuz, sitting my ass in the local jail. I wuz already planning on having a little conversation with Sheriff about this Sanchez prick. I would git my revenge fer this shit. Looking around the cell, there wuz only 1 other person in thar with me...some f#ggy looking guy in skinny-legged jeans weeping into his hands. ‘What an asshole’, I thought.”
“After a few minutes, the little f#ggy guy’s weeping turned into all-out blubbering. I yelled at him ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!’ He simmered down a little. Then, he got up and came sat down close to me. He told me his name was ‘Eric’ and asked me what I wuz doing in jail. I told him to ‘Fuck off’. But then, I started feeling sorry fer this little asshole, clearly, he did not belong in here. I asked him what a feller like him did to get put into the county pokey.”
“In a wimpy voice, Eric sed ‘I lost my bear.’ I sed ‘lost yer bear? You a bear hunter?’ Eric sed, ‘Well, tonight I wuz. I like bears. That’s my thing... big meaty bears.’ Honestly, I wuz surprised. Old Eric looked like a f#ggy homosexual. Who knew he wuz a bear hunter!! Fer sech a little fella he must have balls the size of melons to hunt bear! Maybe this guy is ok after all.”
“I told old Eric ‘Yeah, I like me sum juicy bear meat too. They ain’t nuthin like a big old hunk of bear meat to fill ya up on a cold night.’ Eric leaned forward and sed, ‘Oh, sister! I hear you!! I mean, I have tried everything on the menu, but there is NOTHING like a BIG MEATY BEAR!’ I thought to myself, ‘Damn! This old boy really likes bear hunting!’ Hell, he’s ok in my book!”
“I went on, saying ‘I usually bear hunt with my old 30.06. What do you use?’ Eric looked at me with a coy expression on his face and sed ‘I use Trojan Magnums’. I nodded my head. I wuz not familiar with Trojan ammo. But I wuz not gonna show my ignorance in front of someone who is such an accomplished bear hunter. I just assumed it wuz one of them new, small batch, specialty ammo makers. Shit, this guy is SERIOUS!”
“I then sed, ‘Man, I sure would like to get a hold of me a big old meaty bear. It’s been a while. Shit, my mouth is watering jest thinking about it!’ Then Eric sed ‘Well, shoot, honey! Jest go down where I go! There’s plenty of bears down there.’ I thought to myself ‘HOLY SHIT!!! This guy is gonna share his honey hole with me!!! Goddamn!!! And he is a SERIOUS bear hunter too!! SHIT!! Now I’m GLAD I got pinched tonight!!’ So I looked at Eric and told him any help putting me on a bar would be much appreciated.”
“Old Eric leaned toward me and in a hushed voice he sed ‘Well, I’ve been getting very lucky down at “The Wet Noodle”. It’s a little bear spot with dancing and cocktails on Highway 92 just across the county line, just inside Mothman County.’ I admit that I wuz plum confused now. I asked ‘dancing and cocktails?’ Eric sed, ‘Oh sure, sweetheart! It’s a dive bar. Just go in there and talk to Bruce. He’s the bartender. Tell him that I sent you and that you are looking for a big old bear. He will set you up!’ I thought, ‘Oh, I get it. Eric is telling me to go talk to Bruce and he would put me on sum bears. To confirm, I asked ‘So, this Bruce fella will hook me up with some good bear huntin?’ Eric sed ‘Honey, you will have you a big bear up your ass before the end of the night!’ ‘HOT DAMN!!!’, I thought.
“About that time old Sheriff came round and told me I could leave. He wuz trying to apologize fer locking me up. I told him to shut up, that this wuz my lucky night! Then, overcome with gratitude fer my new buddy, Eric, I walked over to him and shook his hand. I sed ‘Thanky fer the lead, Eric. I am much appreciative. Look, when you get outa here, ya’ll come look me up. I take ya to do sum Sasquatch hunting.’ Eric raised his hands to his cheeks and expressed surprise. He sed, ‘OH NO!!! Thank you, Roy, but no. I’ll stick to bears. I am only so big back there!’ Goddamn!!! Eric is one SERIOUS bear hunter!! Apparently he LIVES fer bear!”
“I sed goodbye to Eric then walked out of jail. I told Sheriff I wuz gonna borrow one of his patrol cars so I could go to “The Wet Noodle”. Sheriff tried to protest. I told him I wuz taking Sanchez’s car. Sheriff sed ‘Now Roy, Sanchez is in his office writing up his report on you right now. Please don’t go down there starting no trouble. I told Sheriff ‘Not a problem. I’ll hotwire it.’ As I walked out the door Sheriff wuz telling me to be careful and to bring the car back in one piece. I flipped him off as I walked out the door.”
“I broke into Sanchez’s car, hotwired it, and was off in under 2 minutes. I noticed that there wuz Salsa music playing on the radio. ‘Fucking b#aner’, I thought. If I wuz not so amped up fer bar hunting then I would wrap this fucking car around a tree. But as it were, I headed straight to the county line.”
“After about a 30 minute drive I got to “The Wet Noodle”. I parked Sanchez’s patrol car right in the front door, then went inside. I was immediately met by sum loud technotronic music with a loud, thumping beat. It wuz real dark in thar too. Lots of wild dancing and people bumping into you. One thang fer sure: This wuz a hell of a party going on!”
“I found the bar. This well-dressed, stick boy type sashayed over and asked what I would like. I told him I was thar to see Bruce. The man behind the bar sed Bruce wuz in the back getting his dick wet. I laughed and sed ‘Well, I’ll jest wait until he’s done. How about giving me sum Wild Turkey on the rocks?’ The servant obliged.”
“I wuz a little put off bout having to wait to see Bruce whilst he wuz in the back room banging sum bitch, probably a hot little bar maid. But after a few sips of whiskey I started to relax. This joint ain’t half bad. Maybe if they dun something about the music, maybe have a Hank Williams night, and then a Waylon Jennings night, fer example, then I may come to this place on a regular basis. Hell, these old boys here are crazy as fuck!! The dudes are even dancing together! God, don’t That jest beat all!?! Ha ha ha!!!!”
“As I finished up my second whiskey this old boy wearing a sleeveless YMCA tee-shirt and cut-offs walked up to me and asked ‘Are you Roy?’ I told him that would be me. He sed he wuz Bruce and asked what he could do fer me. I sed ‘Well, ya see, I’m a bear hunter. I met this other bear hunter, Eric, who sed I should look you up. He sed you’d put me on sum them thar big bear.’”
“Bruce got all giddy. Apparently he is really into bears too. Bruce sed ‘Ohhhhh, Eric!! Yeah, child, he looooooves bear meat! Bears are the only thing Eric likes. Hee hee hee hee!’ I am thinking, ‘Damn, this Eric dude is a hardcore bear hunter.’”
“I sed to old Bruce, ‘Damn! That Eric boy sounds like a real brute! Ya wouldn’t know it from looking at him. He looks a little scrawny.’ Bruce nodded and sed ‘Yeah, that’s Eric. He can’t put a whole lot of bear meat inside of him. He uses his hands.’ I exclaimed, ‘MOTHER OF GOD!! That little old Eric bear hunts with his BARE HANDS?!?’ Old Bruce nodded.”
“I thought to myself, ‘Son of a bitch! Eric don’t look like much. Hell, I thought he wuz a little f#ggot when I first laid eyes on him. Then, to find out that he’s not only a bear hunter, but that he bear hunts with his BARE HANDS! GODDAMN! That’s one tough sumbitch!’ I was flabbergasted.”
“I turned my attention back to old Bruce, saying ‘Well looky here, Bruce, you got sum bears you can lay on me?’ Bruce thought fer a minute, then snapped his fingers and sed ‘GOT IT! Let me make a quick phone call, honey!’ I thought to myself ‘Honey’?!? Ha ha ha!!! These guys are funnier than watching a Down’s Syndrome kid trying to do algebra!”
“In about 15 minutes old Bruce was back. He told me that he had a ‘big old bear’ ready fer me. He sed, ‘Now what you want to do, Roy, is to take the road out back. It goes about a quarter mile back into the woods then dead ends. Your big bear will be back there waiting on you! We call this bear “Jackhammer”. He will give you a REAL pounding!’”
“I thought to myself, ‘Holy fuck.. “Jackhammer”!’ Bruce sed ‘It’s all set up, honey. You best be off. You don’t want to leave your bear waiting! You need anything before you go?’ I thought fer a minute. Then I remember what Eric sed about his bear loads. I asked Bruce ‘You got any them thar Trojan Magnums?’ Bruce smiled, leaned down and sed ‘Honey pie, just use your hands.’”
“I thunk ‘SON OF A BITCH!! These motherfuckers are sum shore nuff hardcore tough sumbitches!’ I headed out. I got in my stolen police cruiser and looked around fer a gun suitable fer shootin a bear. That rotten rat-fink, Sanchez, had him a Ruger Mini-14 in thar, and that wuz it. This wuz shit fer bear hunting, so I jest decided to go with the .44 magum I wuz carrying on my hip.”
“Well, Sir, I started off down that little road out back of “The Wet Noodle” and headed into the woods. It wuz dark and spooky in thar. Frankly, it looked like a hook-up spot fer queers. I wuz keeping my eyes peeled fer that big old bear.”
“I reached the end of the road and there wuz a goddamn Toyoter Prius parked there. Boy, this pissed me off something fierce! That sumbitch wuz back in here fucking up my hunt! I swerved over, intending to park, get out, and kick that sumbitch’s ass fer scaring off my big old bear. Then, all of a sudden, this great big old Sasquatch stepped outa the woods and onto the road! It was a MONSTER!! This was an unexpected development!”
“This goddamn Bigfoot were a good 13 feet tall er better. Fer sum reason is wuz pissed off, BIG TIME. That fucker walked over to that Prius and flipped it over. Then it started raping that poor car! It wuz a sight I’ll never ferget. That goddamn Sasquatch must of had a pecker made of steel.”
“I then heard screaming coming from inside the flipped Prius. There wuz, indeed, someone inside. This raised an ethical dilemma fer me. Should I high-tail it outa thar since I wuz undergunned fer a Bigfoot of this size, or should I attempt to help my fellow man? I opted fer helping my fellow man.”
“What I did wuz lock the parking brake, floored the gas pedal, and swung that patrol car around with a sweet drift. When I got even with the winders on that Prius, I stopped and lowered my winder. Now that great big old Sasquatch did not seem to mind; it jest kept right on fucking that Prius. The man inside the Prius saw me. I yelled at him ‘Sorry about this, Buddy, but I couldn’t sleep tonight knowing I had left a fellow man out here in these woods to be ripped to pieces by a Sasquatch.’ I then took aim with my .44 magum and blew half the guy’s head off. BOOM!!!!”
“I floored it! The beast slapped the patrol car as I sped by, breaking out the rear winder. But lookin in the rear view mirror, I seen that the monster went back to raping the Prius. I got back to “The Wet Noodle” and jest kept on a’going. Those motherfuckers in thar are jest too fucking tough and crazy fer my taste!”
“Driving home I thought about that asshole in the Prius. ‘Poor guy’, I thought. But at least he died in a humane way. It wuz funny how one minute I wuz gonna probably beat that guy to death fer running off my bar, then I performed an act of mercy on him. ‘Oh well’, I thought, ‘Fuck him!’”

1950s
Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Rock (1957)
Chubby Checker - Let's Twist Again (technically released in 1961, but it has strong 50s vibes)
1960s
The Beatles - Yesterday (1965)
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Are Made For Walkin' (1966)
The Beatles - Yellow Submarine (1966)
The Beatles - Here Comes The Sun (1969)
1970s
Bee Gees - You Should Be Dancing (1976)
ABBA - Dancing Queen (1976)
Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive (1977)
Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive (1978)
Chic - Le Freak (1978)
Anita Ward - Ring My Bell (1979)
Earth, Wind, Fire - Boogie Wonderland (1979)
1980s
Michael Jackson - Thriller (1983)
Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (1983)
Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1983)
Van Halen - Jump (1984)
A-ha - Take on me (1985)
Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill (1985)
Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up (1987) (this is not a Rickroll, I swear to God)
Rick Astley - Together Forever (1987)
Michael Jackson - Bad (1987)
1990s
R.E.M. - Losing My Religion (1991)
Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit (1991)
Whitney Houston - I Will Aways Love You (1992)
Mariah Carey - Hero (1993)
Coolio - Gangsta's Paradise (1995)
Oasis - Wonderwall (1995)
Spice Girls - Wannabe (1996)
Backstreet Boys - Everybody (Backstreet's Back) (1997)
2000s
Avril Lavigne - Complicated (2002)
Evanescence - Bring Me to Life (2003)
Beyoncé - Crazy In Love (2003)
OutKast - Hey Ya! (2003)
Usher - Yeah! (2004)
Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone (2004)
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005)
Kanye West - Gold Digger (2005)
The Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha (2005)
Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies (2006)
Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend (2007)
Flo Rida - Low (2007)
2010s
Swedish House Mafia - Don't You Worry Child (2012)
Avicii - Wake Me Up (2013)
Coldplay - A Sky Full of Stars (2014)
Calvin Harris - Summer (2014)
Tobu - Candyland (2015)
Galantis - Runaway (U & I) (2015)
Major Lazer & DJ Snake - Lean On (2015)
Justin Bieber - Sorry (2015)
The Chainsmokers - Closer (2016)
DJ Snake & Justin Bieber - Let Me Love You (2016)
Marshmello & Bastille - Happier (2018)
2020s (so far)
Dua Lipa - Levitating (2020)
The Weeknd - Blinding Lights (2020)
Doja Cat - Say So (2020)
Elton John & Dua Lipa - Cold Heart (PNAU Remix) (2021)
Harry Styles - As It Was (2022)
Dua Lipa - Dance the Night (2023)
PinkPantheress and Ice Spice - Boy's a liar Pt. 2 (2023)
Olivia Rodrigo - bad idea right? (2023)
NewJeans - New Jeans (2023)
Jungkook - Seven (2023)
NewJeans - Super Shy (2023)
PinkPantheress - Turn Your Phone Off (2023)
Yeat - Breathe (2024)
So, this is my list! What did you guys think? And what songs immediately come to your mind when thinking about certain decades?

Have a sight that requires installation and don't want to booger it up, deal with ornery sights, or just don't have the time? Do you have an AR upper parts kit that needs to be put together, but don't have the tools? Send it my way! I offer free sight installation, upper assemblies, gas block barrel dimpling, pin and welds, A2 FSB barrel cuts, low-pro gas block pinning, and barrel inspections. If your request falls outside of these, just ask. I may still be able to help.
Regularly, shipping here and on return costs about $8.70 each way, so right under $18 for your slide to be back in your hands. Uppers are generally about $15-$20 dollars each way.
Just stick a piece of paper that contains your phone number, return address, the contents and value of your package, and whether you'd like insurance for the way back. I will then have it back within the day. When you PM/IM me, please keep one thread going for the duration of your parts' stay with me. Ideally put in a descriptive subject line, too.
Thanks for reading, and I look forward to helping all that need it.
Some FAQs
THE BASICS
Q: How much does X service cost?
A: It's free.
Q: Is it really free?
A: Yes, all you have to do is pay for shipping here and on return. If you can't even cover that, we can discuss a solution.
Q: Really?
A: Yes. If you ask me again, it'll be $47,000.
Q: Do I need to include anything in the box?
A: Yes. Put in a piece of paper listing your phone number, return address, estimated value of contents, and package contents in the box. If you don't, your item will be delayed until you contact me.
Q: How long do you usually take?
A: 1 day if you follow instructions, longer if you don't.
Q: Do I need to include return postage/pay for shipping in advance?
A: No, and no. I've sent everyone's items back and just been repaid for postage so far.
Q: Do you accept tips/ How can I pay you back?
A: Tips are always appreciated. That being said, I'd like to ask that if you find yourself in a situation where you can help someone, even in some minor way, that you please do. Doesn't have to be gun related. Just be good to one another.
Q: Okay, but how can I ACTUALLY pay you back?
A: I would prefer to use CashApp, Venmo, or Google Pay.
Q: if I'm local, can I drop in/drop off?
A: Not at this time.
SERVICES OFFERED
Q: Can you cut a virgin barrel to accept A2 FSB taper pins?
A: Yes. Both the barrel and FSB have to be new/uncut.
Q: Can you install a pre-drilled FSB?
A: No.
Q: Can you match my new FSB to my pre-cut barrel's taper pin channels?
A: No.
Q: If I have sights already on there and you have to swap them, is it still free?
A: Yes. Most slides I've gotten in have had sights on. It's only a minimal amount of extra work.
Q: Can you mill my slide for an optic?
A: No.
Q: Can you thread an unthreaded barrel?
A: No.
Q: Can you cut down and rethread a barrel?
A: No.
Q: Do you swap muzzle devices/handguards/barrel nuts/gas blocks, etc.?
A: Yes, yes, yes, and yes. If it's on an upper I can put it on or take it off. No matter what it is, I do it for free.
Q: Can you remove a previously pinned and welded muzzle device?
A: Yes, but I can make no guarantee that the barrel underneath is not trashed. Depending on how it was done previously, there may not be much support left in that part of the barrel. Pin and welds really should be treated as what they are: permanent.
Q: Can we see an example of your pin and welds?
A: Sure. Here's some more recent ones.
https://imgur.com/a/lw46GQm
https://imgur.com/a/QhoVgNF
Q: What types of pistols have you done so far?
A: Glocks, Sigs, M&Ps, CZs, Springfield XDs, Walthers, H&Ks, 1911s, Jericho, Colts, Rugers, Desert Eagles. Always looking to try others.
Q: How do you ensure zero?
A: Mechanical zero is ensured by the use of calipers to measure the distance between each side of the sight and the nearest available flat. Varies from gun to gun. All that being said, as with all things ballistic, you might still have to do some minor adjustments at the range.
MISCELLANEOUS
Q: How long is this available?
A: Unless otherwise announced, indefinitely.
Q: Why do you do this?
A: Long story short, felt guilty getting paid every two weeks when quarantine first started and people weren't anywhere near as fortunate as me. Decided to help out in some small way. Kept it going ever since.
Q: Can I get flaired for this transaction?
A: No

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURTS FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
MIREILLE TORJMAN CASE NO.: 10-1211
Plaintiff V. FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS, et al. 935 Pennsylvania Avenue Northwest Washington, DC 20535-0001;
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY Office of Public Affairs Washington, D.C. 20505;
NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY 9800 Savage Road, Suite 6711 Fort Meade, MD 20755-6711;
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE 600 E Street, N.W. Washington, D.C. 20530;
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE 1400 Defense Pentagon Washington, DC 20301-1400;
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY 1000 Independence Ave Washington, DC 20585;
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA Defendants
COMPLAINT

1. Plaintiff, Mireille Torjman hereby brings this action for injunction relief and damages based on personal knowledge and belief, as a victim and expert witness, to the information provided, as to all other matters, as to which allegations Plaintiff, without doubt or delusion, will provide proof, unrefuted evidence, overwhelming evidentiary support, witnesses, substantial facts, research, and investigation that exists as follows:

PRELIMINARY STATEMENT

1. This case is about the wiretapping, civil rights violations, privacy, communications technology, and crimes of humanity, in use by the Intelligence Community. With the advanced technology unknown to most, of shadow network of surveillance and spying under DARPA projects, defendants are, transmitting, intercepting, tampering, and blocking the content of a significant portion of the Plaintiff’s phone calls, emails, instant messaging, text messaging, www, Skype, electronic and wireless communications, and other communications, both internationally and domestic, including Plaintiff’s family and practically every American, for the past 4 years, beginning on or about January 2007.
   
2. Plaintiff’s records will show communications are intercepted, manipulated, tampered with, stored, (data mining), harassed, and impeded. Plaintiff will provide numerous emails hijacked, fabricated, UNREAD, manipulated, deleted, including facsimile, and internet manipulations, since 2007. Plaintiff’s numerous impeded electronic communications with all her service providers were debilitating to her work and she had no resolve available from providers who were not able to correct or detect the situations. This includes manufactured emails, phone calls, and government employee’s unwitting involvement. In 2008, Plaintiff was also accused legally of false communications during her service with Qwest, by using wiretapped calls and disconnects to create false records with her utilities company, including defamation to her character. (Kay Griggs, Military wife; whistle blow case on tampered communication CHAOS and automobile impediments not to testify).
   
3. Plaintiff is not delusional and has provided her records to DOJ in early 2009, with documents from many other credible sources and whistle blowers. Plaintiff requests that the Russell Tice case and Articles below § 35 is read with disclosures being made as to her allegations, Injunction relief, various separate counts, and tort damages throughout. Plaintiff has demonstrated courage, risked her reputation, risked her life, and family’s, and has been threatened, prior to receiving an anonymous email of the NSA article (below) in February 2009. Plaintiff tried to blow the whistle to the DA late 2007, and was not aware what NSA was or government corruption, but knew she had to report what was going on. As quoted by Mr. Tice and others; “Statement by NSA, “THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG and WIRETAPPING SURVEILLANCE LOOK LIKE SMALL POTATOES”. Most recently, Plaintiff was able to meet with the FBI in early 2010, and provided some information for investigation by various FBI analysts.
   
4. The President and other executive officials have described some activities of surveillance and spying which are conducted outside the procedures of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (“FISA”) and without authorization by the Foreign Intelligence Court, Communities, Committees, Senate, or Congress.
   
5. As with The Attorney General and the Director of National Intelligence having since publicly admitting that the TSP was only one particular aspect of the surveillance activities authorized by the
   

Programs, and are being abused. (Jewel v United States, United States v Yahoo)

1. In addition to eavesdropping on or reading specific communications, Defendants have intercepted the communications contents across the United States and overseas, and targeted the Plaintiff with intense sabotage and impediments, Electronic Stalking, Slander, including Internet Communications, and Google’s Access Portals. Plaintiff wrote to Google to let them know what was going on behind the scenes with all the tampering including remote viewing, password access, and covert data-mining in SG3 dating back prior to 911. (EFF v Google and Street View) DOD’s ELF transmitters were already in full scale by 1981 in Australia and Africa, followed by additional covert superior Projects as Combat Zones also under DARPA formerly ARPA) ..................... JURISDICTION AND VENUE
   
2. This court has subject matter jurisdiction over the federal claims pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 1331, 18 U.S.C. § 2712, and 5 U.S.C. § 702.
   
3. Plaintiffs are informed, believe and thereon allege that Defendants have sufficient contacts with this
   

district generally and, in particular, with the events herein alleged, that Defendants are subject to the exercise
of jurisdiction of this court over the person of such Defendants and that venue is proper in this judicial district pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 1391.

1. Plaintiff is informed, believe and thereon allege that a substantial part of the events giving rise to the claims herein alleged occurred in this district jurisdiction, and Defendants and/or agents of Defendants may be found in this district, nationally, and internationally.

PARTIES

1. Plaintiff, Mireille Torjman is an intelligent native French speaking refugee from Marrakesh, Morocco. Plaintiff is a divorced woman of 48 years of age and was an accountant for 25 years. Plaintiff comes from a religious background, disciplined and educated, has spent 25 years in the Philadelphia area, currently in South Florida with her Mother.
   
2. Defendant Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI) is an agency under the direction and control of the Department of Justice and the Pentagon that investigates and protects the Nation with Programs of CointelPro joined by CIA operating on U.S. Soil.
   
3. Defendant Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is an agency that protects the Country in first line of Defense and collects information that reveals the plans, intentions and capabilities of our adversaries and provides the basis for decision and action.
   
4. Defendant NSA Defendant National Security Agency (NSA) is an agency under the direction and control of the Department of Defense that collects, processes, and disseminates foreign signals intelligence. It is responsible for carrying out the Programs challenged herein.
   
5. Defendant United States is the United States of America, its departments, agencies, and entities. Including DOJ, and Congresswoman Ginny Browne-Waite as the current Florida Congress Representative of the United States, who Plaintiff attempted to warn on numerous occasions since early 2008 and Senator Bill Nelson, currently on Florida’s Intelligence Committee.
   

Background
The NSA has proprietary electronic equipment that analyzes electrical activity in humans from a distance. NSA computer-generated brain mapping can continuously monitor all the electrical activity in the brain continuously. The NSA records and decodes individual brain maps (of hundreds of thousands of persons) for national security purposes. EMF Brain Stimulation is also secretly used by the military for Brain-to-computer link. (In military fighter aircraft, for example.) For electronic surveillance purposes electrical activity in the speech center of the brain can be translated into the subject's verbal thoughts. RNM can send encoded signals to the brain's auditory cortex thus allowing audio communication direct to the brain (bypassing the ears). NSA operatives can use this to covertly debilitate subjects by simulating auditory hallucinations characteristic of paranoid schizophrenia. Without any contact with the subject, Remote Neural Monitoring can map out electrical activity from the visual cortex of a subject's brain and show images from the subject's brain on a video monitor. NSA operatives see what the surveillance subject's eyes are seeing. Visual memory can also be seen. RNM can send images direct to the visual cortex. bypassing the eyes and optic nerves. NSA operatives can use this to surreptitiously put images in a surveillance subject's brain while they are in R.E.M. sleep for brain-programming purposes. Individual citizens occasionally targeted for surveillance by independently operating NSA personnel
NSA personnel can control the lives of hundreds of thousands of individuals in the U.S. by using the NSA's domestic intelligence network and cover businesses. The operations independently run by them can sometimes go beyond the bounds of law. Long-term control and SABOTAGE OF TENS OF THOUSANDS OF UNWITTING CITIZENS by NSA operatives is likely to happen. NSA Domint has the ability to covertly assassinate U.S. citizens or run covert psychological control operations to cause subjects to be diagnosed with ill mental health. National Security Agency Signals Intelligence Electronic Brain Link Technology NSA SigInt can remotely detect, identify and monitor a person's bioelectric fields. The NSA's Signals Intelligence has the proprietary ability to remotely and non-invasively monitor information in the human brain by digitally decoding the evoked potentials in the 30-50 hz,.5 milliwatt electro-magnetic emissions from the brain. Neuronal activity in the brain creates a shifting electrical pattern that has a shifting magnetic flux. This magnetic flux puts out a constant 30-50 hz, .5 milliwatt electromagnetic (EMF) wave. Contained in the electromagnetic emission from the brain are spikes and patterns called "evoked potentials."
Every thought, reaction, motor command, auditory event, and visual image in the brain has a corresponding "evoked potential" or set of "evoked potentials." The EMF emission from the brain can be decoded into the current thoughts, images and sounds in the subject's brain.
NSA SigInt uses EMF-transmitted Brain Stimulation as a communications system to transmit information (as well as nervous system messages) to intelligence agents and also to transmit to the brains of covert operations subjects (on a non-perceptible level).
EMF Brain Stimulation works by sending a complexly coded and pulsed electromagnetic signal to trigger evoked potentials (events) in the brain, thereby forming sound and visual images in the brain's neural circuits. EMF Brain Stimulation can also change a person's brain-states and affect motor control. Two-way Electronic Brain-Link is done by remotely monitoring neural audio-visual information while transmitting sound to the auditory cortex (bypassing the ears) and transmitting faint images to the visual cortex (bypassing the optic nerves and eyes, the images appear as floating 2-D screens in the brain). Two-Way Electronic Brain Link has become the ultimate communications system for CIA/NSA personnel. Remote Neural Monitoring (RNM, remotely monitoring bioelectric information in the human brain) has become the ultimate surveillance system. It is used by a limited number of agents in the U.S. Intelligence Community. RNM requires decoding the resonance frequency of each specific brain area. That frequency is then modulated in order to impose information in that specific brain area. The frequency to which the various brain areas respond varies from 3 Hz to 50 Hz. Only NSA Signals Intelligence modulates signals in this frequency band.
An example of EMF Brain Stimulation: Brain Area Bioelectric Resonance Frequency Information Induced Through Modulation Motor Control Cortex 10 HZ Motor Impulse Co-ordination Auditory Cortex 15 HZ Sound which bypasses the ears Visual Cortex 25 HZ Images in the brain, bypassing the eyes Somatosensory Cortex 09 HZ Phantom Touch Sense Thought Center 20 HZ Imposed Subconscious Thoughts
This modulated information can be put into the brain at varying intensities from subliminal to perceptible. Each person's brain has a unique set of bioelectric resonance/entrainment frequencies. Sending audio information to a person's brain at the frequency of another person's auditory cortex would result in that audio information not being perceived. Additionally, A 1994 congressional hearing reported that nearly half a million Americans were subjected to some kind of cold war era tests, often without being informed and without their consent. In addition, experimentation law is well grounded in constitutional and international law. It is an under-reported fact that two major reports on human rights and torture in the U.S. recently listed illegal radiation experiments. Many more facts are documented below. Therefore, human research subject protections should be a high priority and are just as significant as current issues of torture and illegal wiretapping. IT IS TIME FOR AMERICA TO WAKE UP. It is time for America to protect its Whistleblowers who are our last line of defense against dictatorship and despotism. It is time for America to take responsibility for oversight of its tax dollars and elect leaders who will assume such responsibility now. Yes, the war on terrorism is important. It is even more important and fearful if the terrorism is from within and unknowingly funded by hard working American citizens. There is no Special Access Program beyond the oversight of political leaders elected by the people and for the people. If these political leaders jeopardize national security then that shall be handled in a court of law. But to tell America, to tell the American people, to tell the political leaders elected by the American people that America does not deserve to know what happening in the NSA’s dark, black rooms, with billions of dollars, behind closed doors, when we know that privilege has already been abused; that is the true definition of TERRORISM. That is the true definition of Communism and a Police State, no oversight. So fellow Americans, you may hem and haw in the face of truth but know that one day you will realize that your country has been USURPED from the very principles upon which it was founded.

1. Titles 22, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional, provides a civil and criminal action against the United States and its agencies and departments for any person aggrieved by willful violation of 18 U.S.C and 50 U.S.C. Plaintiff seeks from each Counts below Defendants for the Plaintiff’s statutory damages or actual damages and such other and further relief as is proper.
   
2. Plaintiff, hereby has been aggrieved and violated as the aforementioned allegations under each count below of the US codes, during this process and as a victim of the Intelligence Communities of the United States of America as found below.
   

Plaintiff seeks relief as permitted by law for each count below separately:
(a) 18 U.S.C. § 793. Gathering, transmitting or losing defense information, (b) 18 U.S.C. § 241. Conspiracy against rights, (c) 18 U.S.C. § 373. Solicitation to commit a crime of violence, (d) 18 U.S.C. § 1091. Genocide, (e) 18 U.S.C. § 1341. Mail fraud, (f) 18 U.S.C. § 1512. Tampering with a witness, victim, or an informant, (g) 18 U.S.C. § 1513. Retaliating against a witness, victim, or an informant, (h) 18 U.S.C. § 1583 (2). Enticement into slavery, (i) 18 U.S.C. § 1692. Foreign mail as United States mail, (j) 18 U.S.C. § 1801. Video voyeurism, (k) 18 U.S.C. § 1812. Statement of exclusive means by which electronic surveillance and interception of certain communications may be conducted, (l) 18 U.S.C. § 2242. Sexual abuse, (m) 18 U.S.C. § 2332 (a) Terrorism, and (h). Use of weapons of mass destruction, (n) 18 U.S.C. § 2339. Harboring or concealing terrorists, (o) 18 U.S.C. § 2422. Coercion and enticement, or are currently doing so; (p) Defendants have subjected the public to electronic surveillance, spying, and mind and body transmissions, in violation of 50 U.S.C. § 1809 and 1810, or are currently doing so; (q) Defendants are intercepting communications in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2511; (r) Defendants have transmitted Plaintiff and the public in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2703, Required Disclosure of communications records, or are currently doing so; (s) Defendants have transmitted the public domestically and internationally, in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2381. Treason, or are currently doing so; (t) Defendants have harassed and transmitted the Public in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2261: US Code - 2261A: Stalking (u) Plaintiff was subjected to electronic surveillance, spying and harassment, violating 18a U.S.C. Rule 41. Search and Seizure (v) Defendants have violated the Administrative Procedures Act, 5 U.S.C. §§ 701 et seq., or are currently doing so; (w) Defendants have violated the constitutional principle of separation of powers, or are currently doing so; (x) Defendants have tortured, and violated, Plaintiff, and the public electronically in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2340A, or are currently doing so: (y) Plaintiff are entitled to injunctive, declaratory, and other equitable relief against defendants and freedom from further harm, in violation of tort laws domestically and internationally. (z) Defendants have tortured Plaintiff, and the public electronically in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2421, or currently doing so: (aa) Plaintiff is entitled to Civil Damages 18 U.S.C. § Rule 2520 in violations of her First, Third, Fifth, Thirteenth, and Fourteenth Amendments; (ab) Plaintiff is entitled to Grants and Health Care Assistance as a victim in accordance to 22 U.S.C. § 2152: US Code - Section 2152: Assistance for victims of torture. (ac) United Nations Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment, G.A. res. 39/46, annex, 39 U.N. GAOR Supp. (No. 51) at 197, U.N. Doc. A/39/51 (1984), entered into force June 26, 1987; Universal Declaration of Human Rights, G.A. res. 217A (III), U.N. Doc. A/810 at 71 (1948); International Convention on Civil and Political Rights, G.A. res. 2200A (XXI), 21 U.N. GAOR Supp. (No. 16) at 52, U.N. Doc. A/6316 (1966), 9.99 U.N.T.S. 171, entered into force Mar. 23, 1976. (ad) Defendants have intentionally and with malice premeditated the Tortured of the Plaintiff and is a violation under 142 U.S.C.§ 1985. Conspiracy to interfere with civil rights. (ae) Defendants have Tortured Plaintiff, is actionable under tort claims of damages found under civil procedures and criminal trials.
Violation of 18 U.S.C. and 50 U.S.C. Crimes and Criminal Procedures, AND War and National Defense Including Titles 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional, DAMAGES AND TORT LAW claims-Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress-DAMAGES
COUNT XXIII
Violation of the Administrative Procedure Act, 5 U.S.C. § 701 et seq. - Declaratory, Injunctive, and Other Equitable Relief 229. The Programs and all various programs violates the Administrative Procedures Act, 5 U.S.C. § 701 et seq., because Defendants’ actions under the Programs exceed statutory authority and limitations imposed by Congress through FISA, and through Chapters 119, 121 and 206 of Title 18 of the U.S. Code (the Wiretap Act, the Stored Communications Act, and the Pen Register Statute, respectively) and in violation of statutory rights under those laws ; are not otherwise in accordance with law; are contrary to constitutional rights, including the Fourth Amendment, First Amendment, and separation of powers principles; and are taken without observance of procedures required by law.

1. Plaintiff is aggrieved by these violations because, as described previously in this Complaint, Defendants’ actions under “The Program” and various other Programs has resulted in the interception, acquisition, disclosure, divulgence and/or use of the contents of their wire and electronic communications, communications records, and other information in violation of their constitutional and statutory rights.
   
2. Plaintiffs seek nonmonetary relief against the Count XXIII Defendants, including a declaration that Defendants have violated their rights and the rights of the class; an injunction enjoining the Count XXIII Defendants, their agents, successors, and assigns, and all those in active concert and participation with them from violating the Plaintiffs’ and class members’ rights; and such other and further nonmonetary relief as is proper.
   

COUNT XXIV
Violation of Separation of Powers - Declaratory, Injunctive, and Other Equitable Relief
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. The Programs violates the principles of separation of powers because it was authorized by the Executive in excess of the Executive’s authority under Article II of the United States Constitution, in excess of statutory authority granted the Executive under FISA and under Chapters 119, 121 and 206 of Title 18 of the U.S. Code (the Wiretap Act, the Stored Communications Act, and the Pen Register Statute, respectively) and exceeds the statutory limits imposed on the Executive by Congress.
   
3. Plaintiff is aggrieved by these violations because, as described previously in this Complaint, Defendants’ actions under the Programs has resulted in the interception, acquisition, disclosure, divulgence and/or use of the contents of their wire and electronic communications, communications records, and other information aforementioned in violation of their constitutional and statutory rights.
   
4. Plaintiffs seek nonmonetary relief against the Count XVIII Defendants, including a declaration that Defendants have violated their rights and the rights of the class; an injunction enjoining the Count XVIII Defendants, their agents, successors, and assigns, and all those in active concert and participation with them from violating the Plaintiff’s rights; and for such other and further nonmonetary relief as is proper.
   

COUNT XXV
Violation of the fifth and eighth amendment prohibitions Other Equitable Relief
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations
ALLEGATIONS also included in Plaintiff’s NSA and/or Electronic Communications

1. Pursuant to Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, Title 5, 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50, Plaintiff Mireille Torjman brings this action on behalf of herself, and to attest to her family and the public’s victimization, unwittingly and/or unrealized:

(a) TITLE 18 PART I CHAPTER 37 § 793. Gathering
defense information,
(b) 18 U.S.C. § 241. Conspiracy against rights,
(c) 18 U.S.C. § 373. Solicitation to commit a crime of violence,
(d) 18 U.S.C. § 1091. Genocide,
(e) 18 U.S.C. § 1341. Mail fraud,
(f) 18 U.S.C. § 1512. Tampering with a witness, victim, or an informant,
(g) 18 U.S.C. § 1513. Retaliating against a witness, victim, or an informant,
(h) 18 U.S.C. § 1583 (2). Enticement into slavery,
(i) 18 U.S.C. § 1692. Foreign mail as United States mail,
(j) 18 U.S.C. § 1801. Video voyeurism,
(k) 18 U.S.C. § 1812. Statement of exclusive means by which electronic surveillance and interception of certain communications may be conducted,
(l) 18 U.S.C. § 2242. Sexual abuse,
(m) 18 U.S.C. § 2332 (a) Terrorism, and (h). Use of weapons of mass destruction,
(n) 18 U.S.C. § 2339. Harboring or concealing terrorists,
(o) 18 U.S.C. § 2422. Coercion and enticement, or are currently doing so;
(p) Defendants have subjected the public to electronic surveillance, in violation of 50 U.S.C. § 1809 and 1810, or are currently doing so;
(q) Defendants are intercepting communications in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2510 and 18 U.S.C. § 2511;
(r) Defendants have transmitted Plaintiff and the public in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2703, Required Disclosure of communications records, or are currently doing so;
(s) Defendants have transmitted civilians, and non civilians, in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2381. Treason, or are currently doing so;
(t) Defendants have harassed and transmitted the public to stalk and harass the Plaintiff inclusive of electronically and tangibly, in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2261: US Code - 2261A: Stalking
(u) Plaintiff was falsely detained and sabotaged with the use of mind control transmissions violating 18a U.S.C. Rule 41. Search and Seizure
(v) Defendants have violated the Administrative Procedures Act, 5 U.S.C. §§ 701 et seq., or are currently doing so;
(w) Defendants have violated the constitutional principle of separation of powers, or are currently doing so;
(x) Defendants have Tortured Plaintiff, her family, and the public electronically in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2340A, or currently doing so:
(y) Plaintiff is entitled to injunctive, declaratory, and other equitable relief against defendants and freedom from further threats, family, accidents, psychological and physical harm, illnesses, sabotage, bribes, and blackmail;
(z) Defendants have Tortured Plaintiff, her family and the public electronically in violation of 18 U.S.C. § 2422, or currently doing so:
(aa) Plaintiff is entitled to Civil Damages 18 U.S.C. § Rule 2520 in violations of her First, Third, Fifth, and Thirteenth Amendments; 18 U.S.C. § 2510, 18 U.S.C. § 2511, and 18 U.S.C. § 2512.
(ab) Plaintiff is entitled to Grants and Health Care Assistance as a victim in accordance to 22 U.S.C. § 2152: US Code - Section 2152: Assistance for victims of torture.
(ac) United Nations Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment, G.A. res. 39/46, annex, 39 U.N. GAOR Supp. (No. 51) at 197, U.N. Doc. A/39/51 (1984), entered into force June 26, 1987; Universal Declaration of Human Rights, G.A. res. 217A (III), U.N. Doc. A/810 at 71 (1948); International Convention on Civil and Political Rights, G.A. res. 2200A (XXI), 21 U.N. GAOR Supp. (No. 16) at 52, U.N. Doc. A/6316 (1966), 9.99 U.N.T.S. 171, entered into force Mar. 23, 1976.
(ad) Defendants have Tortured Plaintiff, her family and the public and the prohibitions against torture and other cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment and the conspiracy to oppress, torture, rape, suppress, is a violation under 142 U.S.C.§ 1985. Conspiracy to interfere with United States Civil Rights.
(ae) Defendants have Tortured Plaintiff, her family and the public and the prohibitions against malicious intent to torture, rape privacy rights, brainwash, and enslave with severe psychological in-humane damages to one’s spirit, and libel is actionable under Tort Claims of damages found under civil and criminal trials.
(af) Plaintiff has made at least 2 requests to the FOIA and both dossiers were denied under the violation of 5 U.S.C. § 552; claims under and 18 U.S.C. § 2707 and 5 U.S.C. § 702

1. Adequacy: Plaintiff and family members are suffering great harm arising from Defendants’ violations of law, as alleged herein. Plaintiff intends to prosecute this action vigorously. Plaintiff hereby demands injunctive relief and damages.

COUNT I
Violation of 18 U.S.C. and 50 U.S.C. Crimes and Criminal Procedures AND War and National Defense Including Titles 5, 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. Plaintiff is seeking protection for her and for all family members under the law TITLE 18 U.S.C. § 3521. Witness relocation and protection.
   

COUNT II
Violation of First and Fourth Amendments, 42 U.S.C and 18 U.S.C. and 50 U.S.C. Crimes and Criminal Procedures AND War and National Defense Including Titles 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. Plaintiff motions the COURTS and Defendants to cease and desist and/or injunction for relief, immediately from grave dangerous damaging electronic harassments and that of a religious and personal nature, all other allegations of surveillance, spying, manipulations, torture, censorships, daily sabotage, and blocks electronically and otherwise, retaliations, death threats, thereby violating the constitution and privacy acts, (US code 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50) at the hands of, the direction of, or with the knowledge of, any and all government and affiliations. Plaintiff seeks declaratory relief against all allegations and all counts. Defendant’s actions described herein violated Plaintiff’s rights under the Free Exercise and Free Speech Clauses of the United States Constitution, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993, 42 U.S.C. § 2000bb et seq., the Privacy Act, 5 U.S.C. § 552a, and Air Force Instruction 37-132; and all other freedoms and rights under the Law.
   

COUNT III
Violation of 18 U.S.C. and 50 U.S.C. Crimes and Criminal Procedures AND War and National Defense Including Titles 5, 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. Plaintiff numerous attempts sabotaged, hereby requests to compel the court for Defendants to conduct proper and thorough investigations (not failing to include fundamental steps of interviews and psyops techniques on U.S. Soil) even when seemingly undetectable and/or prior to 2008, with all accusations and agencies with full cooperation, including Sports, Cloning, ENGINEERED Poverty-Bankruptcies with individuals with Cancer, also to sabotage economies, under the Law.
   

COUNT IV
Violation of First Amendment—Declaratory, Injunctive, and Other Equitable Relief
Violation of 18 U.S.C. and 50 U.S.C. Crimes and Criminal Procedures AND War and National Defense Including Titles 22, 42, 142, 18, 18a, and 50 U.S.C. and International Conventional
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. Plaintiff has been sabotaged with proper coverage to expose and warn the public. Plaintiff requests to compel the court for Defendants to provide the Constituents “WE THE PEOPLE” with un-tampered accurate news, APPROPRIATE WARNINGS with Main Stream Media: to heed caution, and be AWARE with knowledge, and choice of action or recourse, under the law of Constituents rights and United States Constitution.
   

COUNT V
Violation of Fourth Amendment—Declaratory, Injunctive, and Equitable Relief 108.
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law and aforementioned Amendments of the Constitution, as stated above. COUNT IX

Violation of Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act—Declaratory, Injunctive and Other Equitable Relief
(Plaintiff vs. Defendants) and parties, inclusive of all affiliations

1. Plaintiff repeats and incorporates herein by reference the allegations in the preceding paragraphs of this complaint, as if set forth fully herein; and all allegations under the law, as stated above.
   
2. In relevant part, 50 U.S.C. § 1809 provides that:
   

(a) Prohibited activities—A person is guilty of an offense if he intentionally—(1) engages in electronic surveillance under color of law except as authorized by this chapter, chapter 119, 121, or 206 of Title 18 or any express statutory authorization that is an additional exclusive means for conducting electronic surveillance under section 1812 of this title; or (2) discloses or uses information obtained under color of law by electronic surveillance, knowing or having reason to know that the information was obtained through electronic surveillance not authorized by this chapter, chapter 119, 121, or 206 of Title 18 or any express statutory authorization that is an additional exclusive means for conducting electronic surveillance under section 1812 of this title.

1. In relevant part 50 U.S.C. § 1801 provides that:

(f) “Electronic surveillance” means – (1) the acquisition by an electronic, mechanical, or other surveillance device of the contents of any wire or radio communication sent by or intended to be received by a particular, known United States person who is in the United States, if the contents are acquired by intentionally targeting that United States person, under circumstances in which a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a warrant would be required for law enforcement purposes; (2) the acquisition by an electronic, mechanical, or other surveillance device of the contents of any wire communication to or from a person in the United States, without the consent of any party thereto, if such acquisition occurs in the United States, but does not include the acquisition of those communications of computer trespassers that would be permissible under section 2511(2)(i) of Title 18; (3) the intentional acquisition by an electronic, mechanical, or other surveillance device of the contents of any radio communication, under circumstances in which a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a warrant would be required for law enforcement purposes, and if both the sender and all intended recipients are located within the United States; or (4) the installation or use of an electronic, mechanical, or other surveillance device in the United States for monitoring to acquire information, other than from a wire or radio communication, under circumstances in which a person has a reasonable expectation of privacy and a warrant would be required for law enforcement purposes.

1. 18 U.S.C. § 2511(2)(f) further provides in relevant part that “procedures in this chapter or chapter 121 and the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 shall be the exclusive means by which electronic surveillance, as defined in section 101 [50 U.S.C. § 1801] of such Act, and the interception of domestic wire, oral, and electronic communications may be conducted.” (Emphasis added.)
   
2. 50 U.S.C. § 1812 further provides in relevant part that:
   

(a) Except as provided in subsection (b), the procedures of chapters 119, 121, and 206 of Title 18 and this chapter shall be the exclusive means by which electronic surveillance and the interception of domestic wire, oral, or electronic communications may be conducted.
(b) Only an express statutory authorization for electronic surveillance or the interception of domestic wire, oral, or electronic communications, other than as an amendment to this chapter or chapters 119, 121, or 206 of Title 18 shall constitute an additional exclusive means for the purpose of subsection (a) (Emphasis added.)