SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS NUMEROLOGY DECODE

Since we all know exactly who and what Spongebob is, I am going to do a Numerology decode.
When it comes to Numerology, there are many different things you can look into. I am going to look into the letters, patterns, and Numerology personality numbers.
SPONGEBOB has a personality #6. 6 is the number of compassion, work ethic, criticism, cleanliness, and productivity. In the funny show, we see that Spongebob is a workaholic. He has a 5 destiny number which shapes who you are overall. 5 is connected to youthfulness which explains the silliness of the Spongebob character. He is always laughing and doing things funny. The 5 energy indicates this. 5 also points to people, places, and things that are unique. He has an 8 soul urge which explains his undying ambition and creativity.
We can see that SPONGEBOB has 2 O's which has the numeric energy of 15 and numeric value of 6. 15 is the creative use of energy for productivity. Again, 6 is the number of routine, work ethic and productivity goes with this. This energy is not only his personality number, but also it is within his name. It's really in him.
SPONGEBOB HAS DOUBLE NUMERIC VALUES IN HIS NAME WHICH ARE, 7,6,5, AND 2. This explains why he is able to show his emotions and have moments of sensitivity(2). Very compassionate(2) but also childish and silly(5) and able to come up with plans that work(7). Since these #s has double influence, we must considered what they equal. 7 twice equals 14/5 which shows how he is responsible and can make work fun even though it is a duty(6). 6 twice equals 12/3 which shows his social skills, life, and creativity. Another youthful energy as well. 5 twice equals 10/1 which points to his bravery and capability to take action. 2 twice equals 4 which is home,family,responsibility, and structure on the home front and he would make everyone feel comfortable for the most part.
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I 19 female, I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years with John (fake name) 19 male. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 16. For context, John and I met in a group and since then we started talking. (I was dating my ex, but when I realized that I had developed feelings for John I ended that relationship.) In this group he was a big womanizer, and he talked to his ex, which didn't bother me since I never thought there was anything malicious about it. 4 months later I asked John if he felt anything for me, because he was acting romantic and sweet toward me, he said yes and then we started dating. (Note: he was jealous of my friends). A few weeks after we started dating, and all of our mutual friends knew about our relationship, and he didn't feel uncomfortable with people knowing about it, I sent him Intimate photos, he went on and sent these photos to our group, where there were more than 100 people, including our friends. When I saw it I was shocked and immediately left the group. My friends came to talk to me and so did he. He apologized, said he was going to send these photos to a group that was just him because according to him it was easier for him to see. Reading this now I realize it's a strange thing... but at the time I was so in love that I excused him. That same day we made a video call until I went to sleep, he praised me a lot, dedicated some songs to me, it was very romantic.During the next few weeks we made video calls every day, watched movies, listened to music, talked a lot until the early hours of the morning. There was a day when a girl joined the group where we were, and she and I became very good friends, there ended up being a lot of confusion because she wanted to date John, but he didn't want to. However, he always asked for intimate photos for her or for another girl in the group, he said it was to make me jealous, he ended up sending some intimate photos to her too. Well, a few months passed and I was suffering with my mental health, a few months before I met him I had tried to take my life, and I was under psychiatric care. During that time I started smoking and hurting myself, but he always helped me not to do so and always asked me to stop smoking and never use drugs. Until one day I was having an anxiety attack and felt the need to hurt myself while I was on a call with him, so he asked me to write his name on my skin with the razor. I did, he laughed. Some more time passed and I experienced what I think was an attack of schizophrenia, I saw and heard a person talking to me and asking me to do certain things that would hurt me. John stayed on video call with me while he tried to calm me down and said everything was ok and asked me to pray. That day my mother had gone to work, so I was alone at home, she wouldn't come back until 1pm. A few months later he asked me to buy some sex toys, I initially refused and was a little afraid, but then I agreed and bought my first vibrator. He always asked for videos and photos, or even for me to use the vibrator on a video call, as he always sent photos and videos and even did things on a call, I accepted. It turned out that I got sick, I couldn't walk, I felt a lot of pain, very strong cramps, I went to the hospital but it didn't help. I took some medication but none of it helped. Jonh was worried about me and asked me to go back to the hospital, which I did, but once again it didn't do much good. Then in December he asked me to buy another toy, but this time it would be a dildo. I was very afraid to buy it since I didn't have much privacy at home, but I bought it. When it arrived, he asked me to use it but I said I wasn't going to use it at that moment because I wanted to wash it first and then use it but my mother was in the living room so there was no way. He was extremely upset, he said that I had promised to use it the day I arrived and that he was tired from work and just wanted it to cheer him up a little. We argued a little and went to sleep.Cut to a few months later when he got a new job (he worked with his father), met some new people and completely changed. He became cold, distant, wanted everything his way or he would get upset and give me the silent treatment. Since then we started fighting almost every day, sometimes several times during the day. He always said he would break up with me if I didn't do what he wanted or the way he wanted, as I was "blind", so to speak, I always did everything. I don't want to go into too much detail but this but one thing you need to know is that during one of those fights he told me "welcome to hell". Since then everything has gotten worse. For me to achieve the minimum I had to do everything he wanted, how he wanted and when he wanted, in his time. If he wanted videos, I had to record them and send them to him, otherwise he He said he was going to break up with me or that he wouldn't talk to me until I sent the videos. I'm not a saint either, I often freaked out because of jealousy and when I saw that he had followed his ex I got really upset, because she was the only one who made me insecure, and he knew that. One thing I forgot to mention was that he told me at the beginning that he only followed some friends and family (he told me who was who and that if I wanted I could remove someone). Another thing I forgot to mention was that he's been in a group for a few years where his friends who are in that group always hit on him, he's kind of reciprocal with them. He never let me go there because according to him I wouldn't like the type of humor they have there... a group that sends a lot of videos and photos of naked women, women dancing.. But he refuses to leave because he "is already a long-time member there, and his friends are there", in his words. Coming back, he told me that he only followed her because she followed him first and I told him that if she followed him it was because he unblocked her, he was upset that I said that and blocked her again. Some time later I returned to the hospital with some urgency as I was unable to cope with the pain, I needed to stay there overnight whilst receiving medication. He wasn't happy about it at all since that meant there would be no videos or photos. The doctors asked me to do some tests as quickly as possible to try to find out the cause of this pain, which they thought was the kidneys (but it wasn't).This meant I had to leave the house and go to the clinics to schedule exams and take them. He was never happy when I needed to leave the house or when I went out with my family. Cut to a time later when we broke up (my initiative) and I put all the toys in the trash. He was super upset and we kind of talked back and forth (I know what many off you will think But I couldn't really break up with him. So he made me buy all the toys again. That is what happened. Well, I bought not only the toys but also some lingerie. He really liked that and it seemed like we were finally okay. But it didn't last long. Soon we fought again and broke up, once again I put everything in the trash, he came back, he forced me again Buying but he was the one who bought the things. He continued to force me to record the videos and send them to him. During this time of ending the relationship and coming back, ending the relationship and coming back, I called his friends to ask for help. John was super upset with this attitude of mine. He told me that I made a mistake and broke his trust. Then time passed and he went on a trip with his family when he returned home, it was on a day when there was a party in his city and his friends were going. When he got home he told me and said he was going to sleep. I was suspicious so I went to look at his friend's profile and guess what? His friend had just post a story where John appeared. Same t-shirt, same cap. The same face. Obviously I confronted him about it and he told me it wasn't him because he was sleeping at home. I didn't believe it but leave it behind. At this point, my best friend couldn't take it anymore, almost every day of me crying to her about John and his actions. A few weeks went by and I asked his friend if it was really John or not, he said no (I believe he was covering it up.So he went to get a tattoo, on his neck. When it was over he went to sleep. I don't remember that day well but I remember that I called him many times that night and when he answered I heard moaning.. so I hung up and told my best friend. I called again and again and when he answered I heard the sound of a car. I was devastated, I couldn't believe it. The next morning he freaked out at me, and said he was sleeping. First he said that his mother had answered the phone, then he said that he had answered the phone and that the moans were his because of the tattoo. I pretended this situation hadn't happened and we moved on. (note: I was emotionally dependent on him) Cut to January of this year, when he asked me to open up the relationship as this wasn't working. I said no, and that in my view it was like cheating but without the burden of conscience. So he continued to treat me badly. He admitted that when he first started treating me badly it was only because he wanted me to break up with him. (he thought traumatizing me and triggering me was a good idea) He told me he didn't want me to see his Facebook so I wouldn't see his relatives' profiles. When I asked about some people he followed that he had already said were cousins, he said that they were friends or that he didn't know that his friends had asked him to follow them and sending messages to them. When I followed someone he always freaked out and asked who he was over and over again, for example: I followed someone, John saw it and sent me a message asking who it was, I replied "he's a friend of mine" Then John would go on "who is he?" and again "who is he?" and again and again... Two months ago he said he wanted some time, I said very badly, he said it could be but that we wouldn't be with other people nor would there be flirting with other people. He agreed. But then we got into a big fight where he threatened me with a lawsuit, he didn't give me reasons or anything, he just said he was going to sue me. I insisted on knowing why he only said he was going to have to pay him a high price and I would probably go to prison. So for the next 3 days this was our topic of conversation, him threatening me, me crying, and asking why. Then I reached my limit On the day of the last lawsuit threat, I told my mother about him, the way he treated me and that I wanted a new cell phone number.(She didn't know, I never told her about him. Although he tried to contact her a few times. But I blocked him) So we went to buy a new contact for me, as he couldn't call me or get in touch with me anywhere. He asked some people to call my mother and my friends. My friends were talking to me and sending me screenshots of everything, so someone sent him the link to our group and he went in there and found out my new number. I was weakened when my friend told me that he was crying and that he told him that he loved me and that he was afraid of losing me. So I said okay I could talk to him. He told me some things like that he was sorry for making me suffer. I tried to understand his side. We came back. But I told him that the first thing he did I would leave. I did not go. And I regret it. He was never affectionate, or cute with me again. He continued to force me to send him photos and videos. And doing what he wanted. He was upset when I left. He didn't like me posting full body photos or showing more. Whereas he could go around shirtless, send shirtless photos to his group, post shirtless photos online. Once he published a photo of a photo with his cousin and hid it from me so I wouldn't see it (I knew he was going to this party, he had told me, it was a family party) Since then, I went to lawyers to ask for advice. One of the people I managed to talk to, as it was online and free, told me to contact the police and that what he was doing was wrong. Every time I ask him something he gets upset and says they are useless questions, that I'm stupid, I don't understand anything. Whenever he forces me to record something, he never sends anything. He always says he's tired, But if his friends ask him to go out or go to dinner or do anything, he'll go, even if he's tired. This is it. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm really afraid that he'll do something, after so many threats, and all the lies. I have the support of my family and friends. I'm sorry if there are some mistakes, I used the translator and tried to explain more or less all the information you should know. Please be friendly.

(I made a same post but with the photos of texts that "she" sent to me on my account since all the communities that I want to post don't allow them)
So it's mother's Day and my mom is absent in our lives until "now". I won't go into my whole life story but tl:dr tried her best but made hard by being emotionally unstable, unavailable, and would aid it with alcohol and verbal fights. Ok the reason why we're here. I (elder sibling) got kicked out with my dad in 2021. shit got worse in early 2022 with her in financial. Kicked my second oldest sister out during that time. Mom's mom died later that year in September. Forced the rest of my younger siblings to live with us for no reason after it. Horrible funeral/week due to her shit talking, and has been absent pretty much since then. Sure my younger siblings had the visits every other week but it slowly turned into months and now going into more than half a year. During the months of no visits "she" would text my younger siblings through social media, we come from a foreign family so older family members don't have much of an English grasp (unless its my dad multilingual mf) and "her" messages got more articulated in English grammar, at first it was more noticeable with the emails between my parents with her usual simple and poor one sentences, all of sudden proper English with paragraphs. It took so time after those first emails that the text between my siblings and mom started to look the same as the emails. This may be wrong on our part but we had suspicion that someone else was texting for her, so dad found some new guy that was friends on Facebook with her and when the kids visited her they confirmed that it was the same guy living with her. Dad found the 2 ex-wives (out of 3) of his and found out he's a huge con artist that's not allowed to fly internationally (due to his arrest as a con artist, his visa is stripped.) The new boyfriends plan usually was to meet some hopeless women, have a kid and then get married, then proceeded to lie about needing money for sick family in the USA, at first he was in the USA then left to the CAD after he left his first wife. He proceeded to do that for the rest of them. Currently, he's not allowed to talk to the kids from his first and one of the kids from his third ex-wives, while he still allowed visitation rights for the other one and the one he has with his second ex-wife. You may be wondering why this was included but it's because since dad still talks to the second and third ex-wives, he's found out that mom has been seen her boytoys kids more than her own kids, since he needs a supervisor when he visits his kids. When we found out he was texting for mom, dad emailed them telling him to stop texting to the younger kids as mom or else the cops were going to get involved, he replied showing no means to stop and this had happened in December 2022-Jaurary 2023. Ever since then they stopped trying hide the fact that it was him texting as her, and slowly over time though we had blocked her on all social media platforms. Before we had blocked her though, my oldest younger sister, started texting mom telling her to leave us alone and that, us, as the kids didn't want anything to do with her anymore until she stopped the abusive cycle she's put us all in. During all of that, she was calling the same sister at random times at night which started to affect her mental health really badly and she couldn't go to school cause of it. It got worse when she randomly showed up at my her and my little brothers school doing something with their school information, mom tried saying hi and saying she missed them, which scared my sister more thinking she was going to show up again. She tried telling mom that what she was doing was affecting her really badly, they proceeded to respond in the most foolish way, "thinking" that dad was texting, when my sister was trying to be the most professional she could be in that situation. After that situation, all the siblings blocked mom on everything and mom had previous encounters on social media already, so I kept her unblocked on gmail so I could laugh at the emails she can send, like today. The first email is proof how they would respond when they though it was dad, and the second one is from today and you can see the grammatical difference between the two, which explains our suspicions and why we did what we did. By the way, the reason why we can't do anything to restrict communication between mom and my siblings is because here we have a law where only 15+ can get some sort of a restraining order against someone and the oldest sibling of the youngest is a year or 2 from being able to, and for dad, this all still going through court trials (this why 2022 was shitty to begin with) cause of that, dad's been trying co-operative while mom has been doing the complete opposite, causing the court stuff to drag on. As much as what we're doing isn't the nicest or what you would call supportive but 18+ years of neglect, harm, and deprivation has caused a lot of pain and struggle coming into adulthood and with mom doing these moments still, I feel like I'm getting dragged back into my little self. Every one of my siblings shows their hurt from her in their different ways but not gonna lie with these months of no communication with mom, I've seen my family grow into people we should've been growing up with her, I don't have my old habits like tiptoeing everytime, everyday just for talk or food, or having to blust music 24/7 into headphones because she'd always scream at anyone for doing something wrong, we joke without worrying about someone commenting negative, we can play and rough house without yelling, we can be loud without someone screaming to shut the hell up, we can do our chores whenever we can, not being screamed at to do it at this moment. There's been ups and downs with our growth but this is a lot better than being not human living with her.
This year's mother's Day hasn't been pleasant, but I do enjoy the company of my grandma's, alive and dead. Happy mother's Day.

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.

This is my first hand account as the youngest of 3 daughters, with a loving, hardworking mom but lazy, narcissistic dad with anger management issues. It's going to be a long story, basically my whole life story, because I feel that sharing some of my experiences growing up, may help bring more context to the situation I'm in today. I'm also a certified banana (non-Chinese speaking Chinese), and do identify as a ABC: American Born Chinese.
Growing up, I wasn't really allowed to go out from my house except for friends' birthday parties, and to go to school (obviously). My dad was a sales manager, and my mom ran a retail shop selling bags up till I was in secondary school, after which she stopped to be a full time housewife. Honestly, I don't even know how she juggled all the responsibilities while I was in primary school, because she did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even took time to dress my sisters and me and help us with homework and studying, and spend time with us on weekends (which I now understand how precious weekends are as a working adult). Basically, my freedom was heavily restricted, and I learnt at a young age how to keep myself entertained and appreciate my own company (which did make me depressed sometimes to be honest, until I learnt to accept, appreciate, and love myself for me when I got much older).
My parents were always yelling when I was home from school, especially at night. I used to try to ignore it by focusing on studying, thinking that if I worked hard enough, I would be able to make a living on my own and things would be better then (yes, I was only in primary school when I thought these things). I recall now that I used to think that no one loved me, that I was so much younger than my sisters (8 years from the oldest, and 6 years from the second) because I was an accident and unwanted. I was a naughty child, used to run around the house and draw on the table legs with color pencils. My mom used to cane me to discipline me when I misbehaved, but I still loved her. Looking back, I realise I honestly have a lot to thank her for - that it does feel like she single-handedly raised me and my sisters.
I was never given any allowance, never bought any new toys or clothes or shoes, because everything I needed would be handed down from my sisters. I would resent this for most of my childhood of course, until I got old enough to understand this was to be frugal. But looking back, it went deeper than that - my mom wasn't really able to spend money without my dad's consent. So everything went through him - and he would never allow us to spend money unless it was really a necessity, or unless it was something HE wanted. And what he was most interested in at the time I was growing up, was tech stuff. TVs, surround sound speakers with subwoofers, iMacs and all. Now this, he would spend money on. But my mom, I don't recall seeing her buy things for herself much to be honest. He did buy us a lot of pirated computer games - but usually he'd try to pick something that was more educational - and I think he only did it because he was buying pirated VCDs anyway.
Side question: How common is it to get your first handphone at 18yo (Nokia, the model you could drop from the roof and still would work), if you were born in the 1990s? I feel like it was definitely earlier than my older sisters, but the reason for this is because I was selected for National Service, and my parents wanted to stay in contact with me so they got me a handphone (which ironically was confiscated at the camp and only returned to you on weekends, and signal at my camp was almost non-existent). I feel like in comparison with many of my friends, I was super late in getting a handphone and had a lot to make up for to catch up in understanding.
Fast-forwarding to secondary school - my dad would usually always be angry about something at home. Maybe he woke up late for work and blamed my mom for it. Maybe I didn't get good enough grades - even if I got 100, he'd somehow always find a way to say that I could have gotten higher (yes I know that sounds stupid but he honestly used to say these things, because I would almost consistently get 100 for English and Maths - yes I am a nerd). Or maybe it would just be the way we answered his questions. He has this pattern where if he asked you a question, and he didn't like your answer, he'd pretend he didn't hear it, and ask you again, almost in the exact same phrasing he did the first time. And he'd do it again. And again. And eventually when you run out of patience and answer him shortly, he'd burst out in anger, with his default phrase: "You don't know how to talk to people.". "You talk nicer to strangers, better than your own father.". For a long time, hearing these words being repeatedly yelled, screamed at you, by a loud, angry, male voice, did two things to me. One, I used to almost believe that I didn't know how to talk to people, that I WAS the problem, and not him. Two, till today, hearing raised male voices still scares and distresses me, I get nervous and really tense - which doesn't help because that's how Hokkien and Hakka sounds to me when people are just saying hello! (yea it doesn't sound like anything to me because I'm a banana).
I recall a time on a weekend, when I had woken up early to watch morning cartoons, and my dad was angry about something - my sister had been busy applying for university, and I think he didn't like that she didn't want to be a medical doctor - she was more interested in math or vet sciences. He had been yelling at her, and then proceeded to walk over to where I was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, stand over in front of me, bend down, and scream at my face saying "get out, get out of this house now!" - I swear I saw spit fly when he yelled at me. I was so afraid, so freaked out, that I later asked my mom if she thought one of the nice aunties from church would take me in if he really kicked me out.
How did I survive all this? I didn't even realise I was doing it, but I would try to spend as much free time as I could with friends - we'd talk on the phone for HOURS after school (mind you this was before we had cordless landline phones, so I would sit at the stairs, with my ear glued to the phone), and when I finally got to Form 6, I'd hang out after school with friends with cars, to malls, to the movies, to lunch, and my mom would sneak me some spare cash from her groceries budget so I could have a good time with friends. I had some really good friends that would sponsor me food/snacks too, whom I'll forever be indebted to, because no matter how cheap it was back then, it was still their allowance they were spending on a friend that couldn't pay them back.
Around this time, my dad lost his job - the management had changed, but if I recall how he was about his job, I don't think he was meeting his work KPIs as a sales manager either to be honest - and he was sacked. He fought it in court, and won money from it. This will become significant later on, but let's move on first.
Fast-forward to my turn to enter university, and I couldn't get in to medicine. I had tried, believe me - thinking that I liked biology enough, and that if I didn't, I could learn to love it - that my dad would love me more and treat me better if I did what he wanted, and go into medicine. But I couldn't make it - no scholarships wouldn't take me with my STPM 3.75 CGPA, not even for dentistry, because the competition was too tough with limited placements. I recall, my dad had opened a Maybank Yippie account under my name, and he applied to earn the rewards the bank offered for getting certain grades from PMR, SPM and STPM. When we got it, it went promptly into his own bank account under the justification that I didn't have my own bank account and he'd keep it for me until I did. Bro, you were controlling my Yippie account, and you had to close it once I finished STPM. You could have just opened an account immediately after that for me, but you didn't. That makes no sense, but ok, take it if that makes you happy.
I recall when I was applying to university through the UPU platform, I asked him for his advice, and he yelled at me to figure it out on my own. I wasn't sure what I could do honestly, because the whole time in secondary school, I only knew that he wanted me to go into medicine - I had no other frame of reference. My mom asked around among the neighbors, and found out that engineering was also a good field, and I did enjoy physics a lot more than biology, so I went into that. And my dad? Never did he once check on me - on what I was applying for, about school fees, nothing. My mom suggested I apply for PTPTN, that if I graduated with first class honors, I could convert it into a full scholarship, so I did that after exhausting all the other available scholarship options.
I think it was only in 2nd year of university that he found out I took Biomedical Engineering, and then he took an interest because there was some correlation to medicine - more on rehab science, but hey, I was taking classes in the attached hospital, so he was interested. Then he started to "show off" to relatives whenever they asked about it during CNY gatherings.
Anyway I think I've completely lost focus, so I'm gonna fast-forward. Today, I'm working a stable full-time job at a company I love working at - the people here are great and so supportive, and most of my social circle is from here today, with the exception of some close school friends I still keep in contact with.
Full lockdown in MCO was super tough for me. Being at home with my dad's constant yelling and anger issues, I seriously considered many times once lockdown was lifted, about moving out. I mentioned it to my mom, but she would always advise me not to, that it was too much financial strain on me and it wasn't safe to live by myself (you know, single girl, alone). Eventually, I realised, with lockdown lifted, I could escape our home, by going to the office. So I did. And I realised, that my mom was the more pitiful one because she couldn't escape as a full time housewife because my dad would restrict her freedom too - both inside and outside of the house. And for some reason, she accepted it. She clearly wasn't happy about it, but whenever I'd complain about my issues at home with her, her advice would be to not let it affect me and go out when I could. Honestly, I always wanted to ask her why she didn't just divorce my dad, but I was always too afraid to ask. So I let it be.
There were times when work was stressful, and because I had made work my escape from home, it was a toxic cycle for me, so much so that I had a few mental breakdowns at work, and did consider ending my life. But I got through it eventually after seeking counseling and talking to friends about my issues.
Have I mentioned my dad is a hoarder? He still has old VCRs of shows recorded from laser discs and satellite TV which we haven't touched in 20+ years, and probably will never use again. He still has an old Amiga computer in the storeroom that he never intends to set up, and also doesn't intend to sell - he just doesn't want to throw it away. Old pill boxes, old batteries - he insists to keep because he thinks he'll either need them again, or be able to use them somehow. Basically, the old house is so full of his junk that he's collected since I was young, that there's no space for the rest of us to really live. We're just, guests in his house, that have beds, places to put our clothes, and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, and pay for all the utilities, his car insurance, medical insurance, house insurance, and also give him an allowance. He complains about our cleaning too, even though he wouldn't ever clean himself. I found out from my sisters recently that he actually did complain about us not paying rent some time back, and this was AFTER they were already giving him a generous allowance every month (I had only just finished uni or started working? so they didn't tell me this). And he would continue to complain about this even after we started to pay for utilities and groceries. So eventually, they stopped giving him an allowance.
Another incident I want to share is about the family car. So we used to have a really old Proton Wira that we used as the family car since I was in primary school. About 20 years later, we still used it and it was the only available car I could take to drive to work. It wasn't very well maintained, but it got you from A to B, so for my first car, I wasn't complaining. Until, the gearbox started to have problems. I would send it to service many times, change the gearbox many times, and still, the gears would slip while driving - could be on a flat road while accelerating, and what especially worried me was when I was going up ramps or slopes, like when exiting basement parking, I had to have my hand on the handbrake at all times incase I started to fall backwards because I wasn't sure I could switch from accelerator to brake pedal quick enough. I told my dad about it every time, but he would just tell me off, saying I wasn't driving properly, and that there was nothing wrong with the car. I endured it for a couple years, until finally one day, I realised just how dangerous it was when I was leaving the parking with cars behind me, and I DID have to use pull the handbrake. So one day, I had enough, and I bought myself my own car with my own money. And guess what? When I went back home with it, what did my dad do? He yelled at me. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, he was 15. And then he yelled at my cousin who helped me to buy the car. He wasn't upset that I had gotten one without his consent, or that maybe I hadn't gotten the best deal on the car, no nothing like that. He was only upset, because I had spent my own money on myself, and that he insisted the old family car was perfectly fine. Well guess what? Eventually, he gave up on the car too, and asked *cough*forced*cough my cousin to buy it off from him, and apparently en route to the shop on the highway, the car broke down and had to be towed. And my dad never said a THING about it, ever. Makes me so mad just thinking about how selfish and irresponsible he was being, and how lucky I was that I had decided to get a car on my own. He was only curious about one thing - he asked me if I had gotten a bank loan for the car. I told him I borrowed money from my boss - when actually I had gotten a loan from my sister.
We're getting closer to present day, bear with me.
Last month, my house was being painted, with some other fixes being done like changing the roof gutters and house gate which were severely rusted over the 30+ years we lived in the house, never having been maintained ever since we moved in. It was actually my oldest sister's idea, being the "bread-winner" ever since my dad entered "forced retirement". She felt like it was a nice gesture and she had saved money to do it. She let my dad to pick the contractor so he'd be satisfied with the quality of the work, and that's when all hell broke loose.
From the day we agreed to the quotation (which was a really hefty sum), my dad wasn't happy about anything. He was always criticising the price, the quality of the materials, the workmanship of the painter and workmen, and even nitpicked that the contractor had "daddy issues". Funnily enough, it's my dad that has "daddy issues" himself because he likes to play the victim card after all these years saying that his father abandoning his family when he was young screwed him up. I'm sorry he went through that, but seriously, you're doing well now, and you're 66 fucking years old, could you grow up? Sorry, I digress. Honestly, my dad would just find ANYTHING to complain about, and he'd be angry and loud about it. Worse one I think was when he kept having the idea that the contractor should throw in some freebies for him, like hey, could you also paint this window for me, or fix this door for me, for free. Like as if materials are free and workmanship doesn't cost time and effort? I swear it's almost as if he's never worked a hard day's work in his life... Which I find contradicting considering how stingy he is with money...
The painting and house fixes took around 3 weeks in total - including power washing all the old paint off the walls, putting a few coats of primer, painting, and all the metal work. Also considering this was during puasa which was tough for the workers, and the weather was blistering hot in the afternoon and then heavy rain in the evenings. Through the whole thing, my sisters and I were busy at work, so who was left to manage at home were my parents. Or rather I should say, my mom. Because all my dad did, from day 1, is yell at the contractor. Saying he's not doing a good job, that he's so calculative because he wouldn't throw in some freebies like painting the window when we didn't ask for it in the quotation, or changing the color when he didn't like it, etc etc. Lies, they were all lies. The contractor knew exactly what he was doing, and it was really good work. We were all really happy with it. So my mom had to be peacemaker, try to calm down my dad, and apologize to the contractor on the side. Which is exhausting, because my dad was literally yelling in his face all the time! And he would eventually take it out on my mom because obviously it was no secret she was defending the contractor. I'm honestly super shocked he would act this way to a stranger. All my life he's always been so careful to only show his nasty side to us at home, and be charming outside to strangers. I guess being the "customer" went to his head?
All this took a really heavy toll on my mom. She's 64yo, and it was stressing her out so much to have my dad throwing his temper around all the time. If he didn't get his way with the contractor, he'd take it out on her. When I was home on weekends or before going to work in the mornings, she'd tell me how things were going, and they were just getting from bad to worse. She was getting more and more frail, more tired, losing her appetite, and not being able to sleep too.
Around 1-2 weeks in, realising things were getting way way out of control (who am I kidding, when was anything in my life with my dad ever in control? lol) - more importantly, my mom was suffering horribly from it - I reminded her that I considered a few times before about moving out. And that in the end, I decided not to only because she advised me not to. That I could escape to my office, but she couldn't, and that with my working hours and escapism, I hardly spent any time at home except to sleep (sometimes even choosing to shower at the office). So what was the point if she wasn't going to move out with me? So I stayed. But I told her this time, forget about financial worries, about anything else - and consider if she needs to get out of this situation. It's not worth being stuck in this at the cost of her own mental well being. I told her all this, to know these are options she could consider for herself, and left it at that. A couple days later, I went for an overseas trip with friends, and honestly, didn't think much of it.
A week later, I came back, and things felt the same. The painting was done, the gate was being installed, and the end of the hell seemed to be really close, like 1-2 days before everything would be completed. Another week later, I'm having lunch with my sisters and mom at home (dad not there because he had the habit of sleeping till 2pm ever since he "retired"). And I did NOT expect them to tell me they had all decided to move out, to leave my dad.
I was surprised, happy (like really happy), and also confused. So they explained that the turning point had come during the week that I was away, my dad's temper had gotten so bad, that he had almost hit my mom when he was yelling at her and the contractor outside the house. Luckily the contractor stepped in to stop him, and he snapped out of it, but it was enough to make my mom realise that after all these years, he is really never going to change, and that he could one day hurt her when no one else was around. Apparently, there were times before that she had mentioned his attitude & anger problems to him and threatened to leave him, and he promised to change, but then he would quickly forget it and go back to his usual ways. And other times, when he couldn't get the response he wanted from her, he would take it out on my sisters and I by yelling at us. She would always tell me when I was growing up that people don't change unless they want to, and don't ever get into a relationship with a guy thinking I can fix or change him. Funny that she would give me that advice, but herself still be hoping for my dad to change.
So, after telling them I fully supported the idea (basically I said I had been waiting a long time for them to decide to move out lols), we started looking for places to rent. And this is where I really have to thank God, because everything just fell into place. I mean there were some hiccups along the way, but within 2 weeks we managed to find a great place to move to within our rental budget with an awesome landlord. Then my dad announced he was going on an overseas trip around the time we would get the keys to move in. Honestly, we had considered trying to pack everything while he was sleeping and moving it under his nose, or considering the possibility of asking the police for help to move out in case my dad tried to stop us physically. But none of that had to happen, because he went for a trip, and we had basically a week to pack and move out. And with the help of many friends, we did it. We moved out, for the first time after 30+ years (40 for my mom).
Living apart from my dad, able to control our own lives and living space... We have never been happier as a family. I don't have my own room, I still share with my sister, but it honestly doesn't matter, because we can wake up every morning without worrying about the next temper tantrum or yelling match, or accidentally upsetting my dad about anything. It's so peaceful, and I look forward to going home after work now, rather than staying longer at the office. I no longer have to live under constant threat of being blamed from something wrong in the house. Yes, this is also something my dad does a lot, blame all of us for things getting spoiled in the house, even if it's obviously from wear and tear over the years. Like, the air-conditioner leaking, he would say was because we were folding clothes in the room which created a lot of fluff and clogged up air vents causing it to leak. Or, a power bank not working so well anymore, according to him was because I used it wrongly, and not because the charge just doesn't hold so well after degrading over the years.
The simplest things - being able to have a desk to work at when I want to work from home or play computer games, and having a cabinet in the kitchen to put my coffee gear instead of having to always wash, dry, and pack them up into paper bags. Or something even simpler - being able to accidentally leave a light on in a room and not be scolded for it like I had just killed someone... These are joys I get to experience now because we no longer live under the control of my dad.
Now, it's been 2 weeks since my dad returned from his trip to find an empty house (we only took our stuff, his stuff is still all there), and a letter explaining we had moved out because we couldn't stand to stay there anymore, and not to contact us because we need our space. He tried calling us but frankly, I think we were all either afraid to pick up just to be yelled at, or just not willing to be subjected to his manipulation anymore after experiencing peace of mind without him, so none of us picked up. He tried texting the family group then, and it surprised me he didn't act angry, but rather said he was shocked and expected to be able to live the rest of his life with us, that we would take care of him in his old age, that we should have pity on him because he's not young and came back unwell from his trip, that he had to sleep on the floor at the airport in Dubai. He said he wanted another chance to improve on his 'flaws', saying he loves us and would never do anything to hurt us, asking my mom to come back, that he knows he made a lot of mistakes, but that he's always lived his life for the benefit of us. Then, he asks us to continue paying for the utilities. Followed by saying "he knows we don't talk about it, but he never recovered from the suffering he endured at church" - which is total bullshit by the way, because he never suffered at church... what happens is what he always does - he alienates people or doesn't like it when people do things differently from him, and is super sensitive when people don't compliment or praise him for his works. So what he does eventually, is he leaves that church, and then finds another one. Anyway, he then continues in his messages with even more sappy words like he misses us, he's so lost without us, when he wakes up he's so full of fear, that that's why he's so unhappy and angry all the time, he needs us, that he's never had to be independent all his life, he's not eating well, not sleeping well, don't block him, please just let him meet us one more time, just let him hear our voices, just to say hello... OMG I wanna puke just reading all this... So much of it is so cringe, like he's NEVER spoken like that to us ever, and in the middle of it asks for money? And for the past, I don't know, 15 years at least, he's either always yelling at us that we don't know how to talk to people properly, or that we shouldn't talk to him. And now, he says he misses our voices? GAG.
Then this week... he pays me a visit to my office. Shows up at lunch time, and asks to see me. It was a really big shock to see him just standing there, smiling at me like as if I should be happy to see him? Honestly, I did expect it to happen, because my office is the nearest to his house, and probably the easiest to get to compared to my sisters' workplaces. But still, thinking it and seeing it were two different things, and I was just praying that he wouldn't be desperate enough to really do it and that I was just being paranoid. So seeing him in my office, I was instantly on edge, thinking he was going to make a scene at my office, and asked some colleagues to help keep an eye out for me while I went to talk to him. And he basically repeated the same things he's been sending in text to me. He started crying, and trying to show me how frail he was because he wasn't eating well, said he hoped I could take him out for a meal, saying he's only been eating all the leftovers - which honestly, is kind of suspicious because we didn't have that many leftovers to begin with, and we had purposely restocked the house with bread, biscuits, tuna which we knew he knew how to eat on his own - so maybe he was referring to that... Said he was worried about his finances, that his eyesight wasn't good, his knees weren't good, how was he going to clean the house on his own. Then he tries to change the topic for some reason, by saying he was surprised he was allowed into the office building and that the guard had given him some package to bring up as well when he said he was coming to my floor... It was weird and creepy and gave me a really unsettled, disturbed feeling throughout the whole experience. I was so tense and nervous that I couldn't bear to talk to him without crossing my arms in front of me the whole time. And I kept explaining to him, that there was no point in him trying to justify and explain himself to me - that it all just sounded like excuses to me, that 30 years of doing the same damn thing over and over to us was enough and that we were never ever going back to his house, whether it was to visit or moving back in - none of that was going to happen. But with his constant crying and pleading, I did start to feel really sorry for him.
I mean, even in the week when we were moving out, I felt guilty about it, knowing he wasn't going to be happy and was going to have a hard time once we left him. But the alternative was to do nothing about our situation, which wasn't a viable option either. Continuing to live with him was basically just saying, this is it, this is our lives, we're going to die with this being the extent of our lives. And I was NOT going to let that happen. My mom did NOT deserve to die in that house with that tyrant controlling every aspect of her life, sucking the joy and energy from her like a leech, like a freaking Dementor from Harry Potter. But anyway, yea, his pleading got to me, I did pity him and felt sorry for him, so I told him, please leave, I'll unblock him on my phone so he can call and message me, but I won't promise anything else except to pass on what he has said to my sisters and mom. He kept saying please, he can't wait too long, please just come to the house to talk to him, he needs us, etc. Took me a few times to convince him he's not going to get anything else out of me and eventually he left.
I was so on edge after that, I realised my hands were cold and shaking, and I didn't have much appetite for lunch by then. Thankfully I have many caring and supportive colleague who knew about the situation and they helped talk to me about it and it calmed me down. I talked to my sisters and mom that night after work, and they shared with me some of their experiences that I wasn't aware of from when I was a baby or when I wasn't at home. Which made me realise... he may have been trying to manipulate me earlier. Apparently, he has on several occasions, told my mom he regretted marrying her, that he would have been better off letting his mom to find him a wife instead. He had told my sister (the middle child) that he regretted having us as children. Told her to get out of the house too. And always told us that he had lots of money, that money was no object, whenever we told him we didn't want to spend on something he was asking for because we couldn't afford it. Which is conflicting isn't it, because if YOU have the money, then why not buy it yourself instead of trying to convince us to buy it for you? My sister had also asked him before why he was so angry, why he was yelling, and he would respond that he wasn't angry and that he was just like that, and he wouldn't change. I think the one story that really hit me though, was when my oldest sister said, she remembered when she was younger, maybe around kindergarten or primary school - she was holding me as a baby, and I was crying, and she was trying to comfort me. And my dad was playing really loud music at the time, and mom was busy with house chores, and she said she just remembered feeling like something wasn't right, and thinking why was it like this. It hit me then... that this had been going on for YEARS, like from before I was born, probably from the moment my mom had married him, and everything he had been saying were lies. Maybe he meant some of it, because he knew now that we weren't afraid to leave, that we could and would and did leave, that for that he was probably sorry for yelling at us. That all his threats to tell us to get out, while he probably thought would give him control over us at the time, had eventually now come back to bite him in the ass now that we were older and didn't depend on him anymore.
So, today, at this moment, I am sitting at my new desk, in my nice new home, writing this out because, my logical brain KNOWS that we have done the right thing. That my dad, the whole situation with him and how he treats the people around him, his entire behavior, is a classic red flag, textbook case. But despite knowing this, in my heart, in my emotional brain, I feel bad about it. Not enough to want to reach out to him and respond to his requests. But enough that I feel guilt when I'm happy about our new life, like I shouldn't feel this great when he's feeling bad. That my happiness now has come as his expense now. And yes, although I have been angry at him enough to wish him dead many many times over in the past, I think my compassion somehow makes me feel like it's not right to inflict suffering on others for my own sake. But logically, am I really "inflicting" suffering on him? Is it my fault he doesn't know how to be happy with his own life? Just because I was born as his child, doesn't mean I owe him anything, that I'm responsible to make him feel good, does it? Yes, I'm Asian, and Christian, and both of these teach us to respect our elders and take care of our parents. But it can't be at the expense of my own happiness and emotional well-being.
I don't know if I'll ever get into a relationship with someone. I'm 31 years old this year, and I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've had crushes, gone out a couple times for movies or meals, but it's never gone beyond just being casual acquaintances or friends. And I have zero interest in putting myself out there on online dating platforms, or going out to meet new people for the purpose of finding someone. I don't know if it's because of my experience with my dad, that deep down I'm so traumatised that I don't even want to consider putting myself in a situation that could become how it was with my mom and dad. I've seen other people have healthy marriages with loving family bonds, where the father is useful, caring, stable, dependable, and supportive. But I think I'm really afraid that I'm that person that attracts the wrong sort, you know? There's a saying right? That you marry men who are like our fathers? Yes, good relationships exist, but they're what other people get, and since I'm not a good judge of character and easily gullible, it can't possibly happen for me. And while thinking that does make me sad, I also know that maybe it's just better to stay single, so that I'll never be hurt again. Like, the risk isn't worth the potential reward.
Anyway, I hope someone does read this in the entirety, and lets me know what they think about the whole situation that is my life, and also especially my current situation. If there's any advice you could share with me, do you think I'm being too harsh? I do get triggered by my message tones, call tones, and even the office door bell these days, because every time, I'm just reminded that my dad is trying to plead with us to come back, and I'm just so tired of his manipulation and gaslighting and general emotional abuse. And I feel like this is probably more common than I think, and if you can relate to this while you're reading it, I hope you find the courage get out of the bad situation you're in and find your happiness too. If you're in a similar situation, although I have guilty feelings about it, I know it's important to take care of your own well-being, and I hope this helps you to know that you're not alone.

I had a friend of two years who recently turned 16, we'll call them m. They go by all pronouns. I'm f17 and we were inseparable, we spent the summer bed rotting together and smoking. Opposites definitely attract, m is bipolar and has anger issues, little things that didn't matter would make him fly off the handle, like his mom making him wear leggings to a chorus concert but he didn't like the way he looked in them. I used to dread going over there, because I'm triggered by yelling but no matter what someone was always yelling. One time m and his mom got in a huge fight and when we got upstairs her step dad's kid and her niece came out of the room, I believe both are around 5. "What are you doing in my room? I told you to stay out of my fucking room!" Not yelling, screaming. Anyways, I'm more shy and quiet. I bottle things up and also get irritated easily but I hold it in. I'm also extremely sensitive, nearly anything makes me cry. I know it sounds like I'm just trying to make them sound like a bad person, but this is 100% facts. So now the real story starts, I planned going to a birthday party of an old friend's I haven't seen in a long time a week prior and planned to go to m's house after. I usually went over every weekend, sometimes week days as well. Awhile after I was there I realized it was time to go before we even started drinking, so I asked m if I could come a little later at 10 and he said yes. This is where he starts to complain, saying he doesn't even see the point of me coming if it's so late since it was a Saturday, and he was sober and I would be fucked up. I understood this and said sorry repeatedly and offered to sneak him one of the 7 joints for the party (I know, shitty thing to do but I've turned a new leaf and I don't steal from people anymore). She said no it's fine, just don't get too fucked up and I promised her I wouldn't. So we start drinking in a circle and it goes pretty fast. Before I knew it I took 5 shots and after that I said I was fine and didn't need any more. So then we start playing music and having a good time, meanwhile later I'm still texting m trying to make things right by making small talk. The whole thing kind of stressed me out and I went down to the bathroom and just sobbed about everything before throwing up in the toilet and passing out hunched over with my head leaning on the toilet seat. I'm pretty sure one of the girls kept knocking on the door and I didn't answer so she walked in, it's a good thing I didn't lock it. She felt super bad and said don't worry and went to get the rest of the girls. I wake up again to the girls talking over each other and pulling my pants up for me, also tying my hair back. One of the girls made me eat bread before carrying me out to my sister's car. I'm pretty sure what happened is my sister came to pick me up but I wasn't answering my phone and that's how they found me but I'm not sure. Anyways they carry me out to my sister's car and I apologize refusely to both the girls and my sister. My sis told me it'd be alright and she told mom and she's not mad. I slept in my mom's bed for awhile and she kept waking me up to drink water or make sure I wasn't dead. Eventually I went back to my room and fell asleep again. When I woke up I felt so ashamed, the first thing I did was go to text m to apologize. But when I opened the chats I was greeted with a few paragraphs of m cussing me out and telling me I ruined all her plans. She also went to my previous messages of me promising I wouldn't drink too much and responded with the laughing crying bitmoji. I didn't see this until after I unblocked her but I'll get to that soon. I send a voicenote saying I came to apologize but nevermind and I was using the night as an opportunity before going sober after the weekend. She said "nice excuse" and we argued a little after that, I can't remember about what but I defended myself and mentioned I almost had to go to the ER, and I couldn't believe her first instinct after my mom told her I passed out was to cuss me out. I blocked her on everything and about a month goes by. I get a message on Instagram from m saying "hey noya, I'm sorry. I'm a bad person for not caring about you in a situation like , an I hate that it took time for me to realize that. I'm sorry and it's okay if u don't forgive me." These were split into seperate messages and automatically I thought it was the shittiest apology ever, especially her saying she was a bad person. But I also missed m so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I said it was okay and I'm not trying to beef or anything but I need distance because he hurt me. I can't remember the messages after that but we made a comeback and decided we would talk about our feelings more since every time we fought we would just pretend like nothing happened after, and our friendship felt really fake. So we're talking regularly for awhile and I fell into a really deep depression that I'm still somewhat in. I reached out to him twice and made plans but they both got cancelled so we just continued texting. After awhile I notice his name won't come up when I search it on snap. I kind of just brushed this off as a glitch even though it kept happening, ig I just didn't want to believe it and I was too scared to ask him. But on April 22nd I realized it was m's bday right before texting him and asking if he blocked me, and I wasn't mad I just wanted to know and anyways happy birthday. He replied "yeah i did, not putting effort into someone who don't even think about me, I blocked like a month ago lol u jus notice. ANYWAYS. THANKS." To which I said I have been thinking about her every day and missed her, and I told her I was going through shit and I was pushing everyone else away as well, and I didn't want to make plans without the right energy and I'm sorry I suck at making plans. About half an hour goes by and still no response so I reply "nvm then lol, All u do is play the victim, I shouldnt be the one putting effort in just bc I passed out. And you still think I did it just to piss u off bc u seem to think everything someone does is just to piss u off. Hopefully one day you'll realized what a two faced selfish piece of shit u are, happy sweet 16". Then and old friend of ours who just recently started hanging out with us again so m could use him for his dab pen messages me after I block m. We'll call her j. J and m dated for awhile and their relationship is VERY TOXIC. J lied about M r*ping her, threatened to sell m's nudes, cheated on his girlfriend, became racist and homophobic and detranistioned for his long distance bf and much more. And now they're friends, wtf. J also used to be one of the weird gay kids like us before doing her edges and acting tough and hanging out with the ghetto girls. She's white, btw. Anyways she pretended to want to hear my side of the story and I knew she was faking it but I just wanted to rant so I did. She basically just said I was in the wrong because I promised not to get too drunk and I cut her off. I said "are you sure you're not friends? Because it sounds like you love her". She said " keep it cute I know where you live" and all I can remember after that is me telling her everyone in my life agrees with me and they're actually good people before blocking her.
I think I should just mention this was my third time drinking, first time drinking pink whitney and first time passing out. She acted like I've done this 1,000 times and did it just to ruin her plans when she's been shittier than me in the past. She's also only been drunk once. I want to believe I'm not the asshole but recently I'm starting to blame myself more for it. An entire 2 year close friendship ended because of alcohol.

I got really mad at some friends for the first time ever I just shut down and released all my anger I try to do a lot for my friends and the one time I expressed how much I wanted to go to a music festival they dragged their feet and they were acting like everything was fine till I told them the plan we had was no longer going to work. Then I got told it was "frustraiting" that I had to bow out and I lost my shit I had blocked them on social medias and left our chats just crashed out I don't know how to explain to them why i'm mad because it's not about not being able to go to the festival it's about how I feel like I put in 110% into helping them get what they want I would list specifics but for privacy I will not it just kind of hurts I have unblocked I even apologized but it's still clear that the understanding of why i'm mad is not there and my messages aren't getting read I have been friends with for 7 years and all that's gone because I finally openly blew up.

So I'm staying at my fiancées house we're we're super long distance and I don't see her as often as I'd like to being busy with work, we're getting married in the next few years. She went to this party just before she came to see me. I remember the day clearly it was the day she said she couldn't sleep and was up until 5am, she's never up late. She acc didn't stay at the party long she left super early which I thought was odd but her excuse was that she didn't enjoy the music.
You might ask how do I know they started talking again, well she gave me her laptop to watch netflix, and her WhatsApp was open already. I was going to close it but then my eye caught an unsaved number. I couldn't help myself, I was curious hmmm unsaved number okay? So idk if this was wrong but I decided to look. I then realised she had been talking to him all night.
The conversation wasn't anything crazy, he was acc congratulating her and saying he's happy she found someone she loves and got engaged. She proceeded to tell him how we live super far and only see each other once a month. She filled him in about where I'm from etc...
Now this is where the problem lies he has asked her to meet multiple times and she's always said no. This one day she was up late he had asked her and she replied with 'idm'. Now has she just agreed to meet him, I'm unsure. Because no.1 it's been a month or two and she hasn't said a single thing about this encounter. If I confront her excuse is going to be I didn't tell you because you get 'mad' she knows this upsets me. And in fact I had already asked her to cut contant years ago before I even asked her to be my girlfriend let alone fiancée. I'd said you can't be in contact with him like that if we're going to be something serious. Simply because he'd send her sexual messages and I simply was not cool with that ovc she wouldn't entertain the messages he would send. But still I'm not getting into a relationship with a girl who has a guy constantly sending stuff like that. She would call him gross and tell him to stop. Now three years into this relationship she's decided to unblock him and speak to him.
I mean I love her and we're engaged! She's literally the perfect girl and does a ton for me.
Now her saying 'i don't mind' to meeting is just I can't breathe, it made my heart sink a little. Would this be considered cheating even though they haven't acc met and it's been a month. Should I confront her?

I (16M) share a class with Jessica (17F), and our interactions have been anything but smooth. Initially, we connected over our shared interests in music, games, and languages. However, things shifted when I developed feelings for her and anonymously inquired about her relationship status. Learning she wasn't single, we agreed to maintain a friendship, which I genuinely valued.
Despite our agreement, Jessica suddenly blocked me on social media and stopped responding to my messages. Confused and hurt, I tried to reach out several times, only to be met with silence. When she questioned a mutual friend, Bobby (16M), about my absence, Bobby said there was "beef" between me and her.
She asked to talk so we unblocked each other, and Jessica explained that she felt overwhelmed by the amount of messages I send to her and my friends in general. Acknowledging her discomfort, I apologized and promised to reduce my texting frequency. In return, Jessica agreed to communicate her feelings more openly.
However, our attempts at reconciliation were short-lived. Jessica once again ghosted me without warning. This time, I decided to move on and began talking to another girl, Sandy (15F). When I casually inquired about Sandy's relationship status, Jessica reacted defensively, which struck me as odd.
It wasn't long before I discovered the unsettling truth: Jessica had been spreading rumors about me, branding me as a "creep" based on a vague "gut feeling." This baseless accusation led to confrontations from strangers, including a distressing incident during lunch when a group of girls I'd never seen before approached me, hurling insults and accusations.
Because of a school event we were both attending we were forced to discuss our issues, Jessica couldn't provide concrete evidence for her accusations. Instead, she vaguely mentioned my 'obsessive' behavior which she couldn't elaborate on. Moreover, she questioned the authenticity of my past relationship, despite evidence proving otherwise. Despite my efforts to confront her about the rumors, she adamantly denied everything and persisted in spreading falsehoods about me
Feeling unfairly targeted and desperate to clear my name, I reported Jessica's behavior to the school. However, her response was one of denial and defensiveness, despite multiple sources confirming her actions.
This relentless campaign against me has taken a toll on my mental well-being. I've been labeled a "snitch" and an "asshole" by Jessica and her circle, further exacerbating the situation as she continues to talk about me. Despite my efforts to resolve the conflict, Jessica remains steadfast in her refusal to acknowledge her wrongdoing.
I'm at a loss for how to proceed. I've been transparent about my intentions and have made genuine efforts to address Jessica's concerns. However, her refusal to take responsibility for her actions and her continued spread of rumors have left me feeling powerless and frustrated.

i broke up with my ex of six years in feb. he’s moving to another state and keeps contacting me through email, unblocking me on social media to contact me. but here’s the thing… my car has been getting vandalized (tire slashing in march, mirrors broken and a license plate stolen a few weeks ago) i’m positive it has something to do with him, those are too personal and petty to be done randomly and twice to only my car. when he contacts me, its not even an apology for the names he’s called me or him asking how i’m doing. it’s just him telling me to see him before he leaves and sending me songs/music because we connected with our music taste. he never respected me, and it’s appalling to me that he expects me to wanna see him like he’s still entitled to my time after all of the hurt and disrespect he’s given me. ive been blocking him, but this has been making me anxious and depressed and reminding me of how i felt during the relationship.

i broke up with my ex of six years in feb. he’s moving to another state and keeps contacting me through email, unblocking me on social media to contact me. but here’s the thing… my car has been getting vandalized (tire slashing in march, mirrors broken and a license plate stolen a few weeks ago) i’m positive it has something to do with him, those are too personal and petty to be done randomly and twice to only my car. when he contacts me, its not even an apology for the names he’s called me or him asking how i’m doing. it’s just him telling me to see him before he leaves and sending me songs/music because we connected with our music taste. he never respected me, and it’s appalling to me that he expects me to wanna see him like he’s still entitled to my time after all of the hurt and disrespect he’s given me. ive been blocking him, but this has been making me anxious and depressed and reminding me of how i felt during the relationship.

I met a girl at a pub close to four years ago and we banged three times that night. We immediately became FWBs (my first proper one) and were so for around 3 months. I then met my now girlfriend, we said we'd stay friends, and then just faded away. It probably didn't help my drunk friend blocked her on my Facebook in front of my girlfriend, so the FWB probably just felt used. I unblocked straight after, so as far as she's concerned she was just deleted probably thinking me saying friends was just taking the piss, even if she actually thought we would in the first place and wasn't just being polite.
I'm not really sure what it was, but the whole experience was novel to me. As a bigger dude my whole life, I never really got attention from chicks. I lost 110 pounds and became a chick magnet. Sex was almost too easy to get. So when I had this chick always down it felt amazing. I didn't just hang with her for the sex either, we would watch movies and music videos together, get food delivery, get drunk even on weeknights. Makes you feel like a stud when you're getting calls and messages at 1am for you know what. She had a pretty cool female housemate too, so it felt pretty rad to be a dude hanging out with chicks at their house, drinking, talking about girl issues then going out and partying. We'd even send each other memes, share movie recommendations and just photos of what we were doing in everyday life. When I was with her, I never felt the need to check my phone.
I'm not really sure what it is, but I kind of miss the friendship? As in, I think I'd love to be friends with her or atleast find out what she's been up to and see how she's been, without the sex? Like, I get a lot of people, especially my girlfriend, would find that inappropriate given the circumstances however it's been this nagging feeling for the past 6 months.
I've tried reaching out a few times recently to no avail. I added her on Snapchat when I temporarily made an account when I was bored, no add back. I text her, and she said "who's this?", as if to imply she had deleted my number and all our texts. I text back being stoic saying I was surprised but I respect your decision and to take care, but damn I was hoping for a different outcome. (I didn't mention it was me and I'm unsure if she knows it's me to this day). I'm almost certain she saw me at a shopping centre and was like, 30cm away from me, but she didn't say anything. Perhaps it's because my GF was there.
I don't know what to do. I feel I'm usually the one people ask for life advice and yet I'm stuck here myself. I was so drunk last night and I saw her online in my Facebook Messenger and I was so close to sending something but I didn't. I feel unless I can get over this it'll continue to eat me.
I should also say that while we were FWB I did ask if she had feelings and she said no. I believe that. I didn't either. I felt no compulsion to try and date.
Am I being delusional that I actually cared about her as a friend and not just wanting the sex? If so, why did we hang out and send dumb memes? There wasn't a time I saw her that we didn't have sex, and to be frank I'm not really sure I would have hung out with her if I wasn't getting it either. Yet now I think that I would, but then I think "what would we even talk about?" Or am I being delusional about even that? Did I actually have feelings or feel something was left unresolved? Why am I feeling like this? Why do I want so badly to find out how she's been and what she's been up to? How can I overcome what's now dominating my thoughts?
Thank you in advance. Like shit, I'm even wondering if she ever thinks of me.

I met a girl at a pub close to four years ago and we banged three times that night. We immediately became FWBs (my first proper one) and were so for around 3 months. I then met my now girlfriend, we said we'd stay friends, and then just faded away. It probably didn't help my drunk friend blocked her on my Facebook in front of my girlfriend, so the FWB probably just felt used. I unblocked straight after, so as far as she's concerned she was just deleted probably thinking me saying friends was just taking the piss, even if she actually thought we would in the first place and wasn't just being polite.
I'm not really sure what it was, but the whole experience was novel to me. As a bigger dude my whole life, I never really got attention from chicks. I lost 110 pounds and became a chick magnet. Sex was almost too easy to get. So when I had this chick always down it felt amazing. I didn't just hang with her for the sex either, we would watch movies and music videos together, get food delivery, get drunk even on weeknights. Makes you feel like a stud when you're getting calls and messages at 1am for you know what. She had a pretty cool female housemate too, so it felt pretty rad to be a dude hanging out with chicks at their house, drinking, talking about girl issues then going out and partying. We'd even send each other memes, share movie recommendations and just photos of what we were doing in everyday life. When I was with her, I never felt the need to check my phone.
I'm not really sure what it is, but I kind of miss the friendship? As in, I think I'd love to be friends with her or atleast find out what she's been up to and see how she's been, without the sex? Like, I get a lot of people, especially my girlfriend, would find that inappropriate given the circumstances however it's been this nagging feeling for the past 6 months.
I've tried reaching out a few times recently to no avail. I added her on Snapchat when I temporarily made an account when I was bored, no add back. I text her, and she said "who's this?", as if to imply she had deleted my number and all our texts. I text back being stoic saying I was surprised but I respect your decision and to take care, but damn I was hoping for a different outcome. (I didn't mention it was me and I'm unsure if she knows it's me to this day). I'm almost certain she saw me at a shopping centre and was like, 30cm away from me, but she didn't say anything. Perhaps it's because my GF was there.
I don't know what to do. I feel I'm usually the one people ask for life advice and yet I'm stuck here myself. I was so drunk last night and I saw her online in my Facebook Messenger and I was so close to sending something but I didn't. I feel unless I can get over this it'll continue to eat me.
I should also say that while we were FWB I did ask if she had feelings and she said no. I believe that. I didn't either. I felt no compulsion to try and date.
Am I being delusional that I actually cared about her as a friend and not just wanting the sex? If so, why did we hang out and send dumb memes? There wasn't a time I saw her that we didn't have sex, and to be frank I'm not really sure I would have hung out with her if I wasn't getting it either. Yet now I think that I would, but then I think "what would we even talk about?" Or am I being delusional about even that? Did I actually have feelings or feel something was left unresolved? Why am I feeling like this? Why do I want so badly to find out how she's been and what she's been up to? How can I overcome what's now dominating my thoughts?
Thank you in advance. Like shit, I'm even wondering if she ever thinks of me.

22-minute read to cover the latest developments in Armenia beyond headlines.

Azeri public continues to discuss the possible return or exchange of Armenian exclave Artsvashen currently under Azerbaijani control

Context in Monday news digest. A ranking member of Azerbaijani parliament suggested returning Artsvashen to Armenia in exchange for the Azeri exclaves, or swapping them so each side can keep what it currently controls. An Azeri analyst called it dangerous to allow Armenians to return to Artsvashen because he believes it would make the entire territory of Azerbaijan "up to Ganja" vulnerable.
AZERI JOURNALIST (Fatima Movlamli): There are currently [Azeri] military positions near the entrance of the village [Artsvashen]. Although the local population is not strictly checked upon entry and exit, some control appears to be in place. The army checks "strangers". The village is also observed from far away. All the houses are empty; they are crumbling. There is no one around. The only people you see are nearby villagers who take their cattle to [Artsvashen's] pasture.
NEARBY AZERI VILLAGER: I visit the [Armenian] village to feed my cattle and my family. If they give it to Armenians, it will be my end. This is our source of bread, and these areas will no longer be safe for us. Many of us rely on these territories for a living. There is total unemployment and none of us have other jobs. We will have to emigrate if they give this village.
NATIN JAFARLI (ReAl party): There are two reasons why the village was not populated [by Azeris, after the capture in 1992]. The first is for legal reasons because Armenia could claim it's their land and demand compensation. There are also socio-economic components that have forced the population to migrate to Baku over the past 30 years. If there was a normal socio-economic policy, there would be no migration. It's not easy to create social infrastructure in Bashkend [Artsvashen] for natural reasons. If we decide to swap the enclaves, then referendums must be held in both countries. Can you imagine the Armenian police or army marching 30 kilometers deep into Azerbaijan? It doesn't sound realistic. The same about Azeris entering the exclaves inside Armenia. How will you guarantee the population's food, banking, communication, gas, etc.? It doesn't seem realistic.
ELKHAN SHAHINOGLU (Atlas research center): Even if Armenians return our 4 villages [presumably within Azeri exclaves], it will be difficult for Azeris to live in them because we will be forced to reach the villages through Armenia. The same is true if we transfer [Artsvashen] to Armenia. Therefore, I believe this issue can be resolved if the lands are exchanged.
AZERI RESIDENT: I used to work as a nurse in [Artsvashen]. I remember how I attempted to save the lives of the soldiers who captured it. I don't want it to be returned to Armenia because I'm concerned that the same events will repeat. Nothing good will happen if Armenians return here. This place connects Shinikhi to the entire Ganja region. Should we allow Armenians to stand between the two? I'm 65 so the future generations will have to live here but no one will dare to come if they hear about the presence of Armenians.
source,

Azerbaijan is still reluctant to include the Almaty Declaration in the final peace agreement despite the April 19 separate agreement to use it for border demarcation

FM MIRZOYAN: Recently we agreed that the demarcation should take place on the basis of the Almaty Declaration and the Regulations of the border commissions should also refer to the Almaty. This is one of the principles, and if we manage to include Almaty in the peace agreement, then we will get very close to a final resolution. Our neighbor is still reluctant to make a clear reference to the Almaty Declaration in the peace treaty, which is a more comprehensive document.
The second issue is with the unblocking of communication routes. Armenia is ready to become a part of the international transit route. The Crossroads of Peace will benefit Armenia and the entire region. Turkey and Azerbaijan would also benefit by connecting East and West. If this is implemented, it will be another interesting way to connect the Persian Gulf countries with the Black Sea economic region.
QUESTION: You froze your participation in CSTO. Do you plan to join NATO?
MIRZOYAN: We do not want to be part of a dysfunctional mechanism [CSTO]. But we are still a CSTO member so it's necessary to take steps to make it function; we are discussing the issues on the AM-RU agenda. Simultaneously we have launched a process to strengthen AM-West relations and to diversify Armenia's economy.
source, video,

interview with Azeri opposition activist-in-exile Arif Yunusov

REPORTER: Azerbaijan had long refused to use 1991 Almaty for delimitation but on April 19 they agreed to launch the process based on Almaty. Why did they change their position?
YUNUSOV: Because of the problems Aliyev developed with the West. When Blinken makes a phone call, that means extensive work was done prior to the call. The issue of sanctions raised earlier this year was also raised after months of work. The collective West is pressuring Azerbaijan. We have entered the decisive phase of the West-Russia confrontation. The physical fights are taking place in Ukraine, while diplomatic wars rage in the South Caucasus.
Russia attempted on several occasions to destabilize Armenia's internal stability by using Azerbaijan but their efforts have failed and there hasn't been any serious escalation on the AM-AZ border. Pashinyan was not exaggerating the possibility of a war in Tavush a few months ago; there was indeed a real threat. However, the likelihood is much lower now and Azerbaijan has given its approval to launch the delimitation process. The ongoing delimitation process is part of the effort to regulate AM-AZ relations and push Russia out of the region.
REPORTER: Blinken spoke on Sunday with Aliyev and Pashinyan. I'm under the impression that this AM-AZ delimitation, despite being called "bilateral", is actually being moderated by the US.
YUNUSOV: Absolutely agree. Aliyev has a lengthy history of rejecting many Western efforts and being close with Putin, so the fact that he didn't reject it this time indicates serious pressure from the West. By the way, Aliyev became president in February but Biden hasn't congratulated him yet. For Aliyev, it's very important to receive a congratulation personally from Biden.
The US is moderating this process step-by-step. This process began in 2022 when Pashinyan recognized Nagorno-Karabakh as part of Azerbaijan; that was part of the US plan to normalize AM-AZ relations. Under this plan, Azerbaijan announced the formation of a commission to "integrate" Nagorno-Karabakh Armenians. Obviously, it all changed later and the US officials began to raise the issue of Aliyev being too close to Russia and about a need to pull him away from Putin. It appears the US is gradually getting what it wants because the US's role in this demarcation process is huge.
REPORTER: Is this also why Azerbaijan asked Russia to withdraw its military base from Nagorno-Karabakh? Was it under the US pressure?
YUNUSOV: I'm not entirely sure about the full details behind their withdrawal. I don't even know if they are truly being withdrawn because there is a motive to calm the Azerbaijani public that's anti-Russian.
There is also the fact that Russia was unable to deploy those peacekeepers on the AM-AZ border and push out the EU border monitoring mission from Armenia. Russia attempted to achieve this in December 2023 during a meeting in St. Petersburg but Pashinyan rejected Putin's efforts. Moreover, Pashinyan said that Armenia is no longer interested in the fate of Russian peacekeepers in Nagorno-Karabakh and that this topic must be resolved between Russia and Azerbaijan. This was followed by Pashinyan's order to remove Russian agents from Yerevan's airport by August 2024. So Russia's effort to pressure Armenia with the hands of Azerbaijan has totally failed.
It's a strange situation, the withdrawal of peacekeepers. We don't know how many were removed and how many remain. I do not have information that the US pressured Azerbaijan to remove the Russian peacekeepers. [audio cuts off] The US is only strong when there is Armenia, during meetings, and we tend to receive information whenever Armenia is part of a negotiation process, whereas Azerbaijan-Russia talks are more secretive.
It appears Russia is withdrawing the equipment first because they need it ahead of the May offensive in Ukraine, before possibly a wider withdrawal by September.
Regarding the demarcation of the AM-AZ border, Russia understands that if the parties reach an agreement, that could mean the end of Russian presence in the South Caucasus. The AM-AZ border is a geopolitical issue. Russia will publicly formally welcome the delimitation efforts but it's not in their interest.
REPORTER: Why is France silent about the April 19 delimitation agreement?
YUNUSOV: France has adopted the correct position. First of all, Western states coordinate their policies [including on delimitation], but in each region, each Western state takes up a different position. For example, on the Ukraine issue, France provides support to Ukraine but the main locomotive is the US. In the South Caucasus, it's the opposite: the US provides the moderation efforts while the main locomotive - in this case, support for Armenia - is France. There is a crisis in FR-AZ relations. So France doesn't want to hinder the delimitation effort by intervening; they let the US handle it. There is currently an anti-French hysteria in Azerbaijan. The French endorsement of the AM-AZ delimitation agreement would be a big blow to the process.
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ruling party rejects opposition's motion to conduct the AM-AZ border delimitation based on 1993 "de facto" borders instead of 1991 Almaty borders

Context and debates in April 23 news digest. The opposition is against delimiting borders with the 1991 Almaty maps.
The opposition accuses the ruling party of serving Turkey's interests while the ruling party accuses the opposition of attempting to derail the 1991 delimitation process so they can drag Armenia into a new conflict before bringing the Russian "empire" as a savior to establish their rule in Armenia.
One thing that struck the ruling party's nerves was the opposition's narrative that "Armenia ends where the Armenian soldier stands". The ruling party believes that this principle is both dangerously expansionist [in the case of 2.5 Azeri villages] and would also endanger the fate of occupied Armenian lands. "We have a clear border with Azerbaijan, and it must be reproduced on the ground," said a ranking ruling party MP. Yesterday the government said over 50% of the task was done on a section of the Tavush-Gazakh border.
In response to the opposition's accusations that the ruling party serving the interests of Azerbaijan by "surrendering lands", a ruling MP accused the opposition of pressuring the government to surrender a corridor to Russia and Azerbaijan.
RULING MP: Mr. Sharmazanov [ex-president Serj's party] routinely says the quiet part out loud. At first, he spoke about the need to give a corridor [to Azerbaijan and Russia, via Syunik], and more recently he made another fantastic statement. Sharmazanov said "a homeland is eternal while a state is variable. The state's borders can expand or shrink." This stems from their mentality that today they are MPs of the Armenian parliament but tomorrow they could just as easily be Russian Duma MPs, representing the Armyanski Oblast. This is the clash of values: a stable state with borders vs. a "homeland" with variable borders. For us, the Republic of Armenia is irreplaceable and the independence of Armenia is non-negotiable. //
source, video, source, source,

the independent TV & radio regulator was summoned to parliament to report the 2023 activities

REGULATOR: Last year the broadcasters under our watch operated freely, without government intervention. The TV outlets stated that they were not pressured or obstructed by any branch of the government to limit their freedom of expression.
The issue persists with misinformation and hate speech, but our 3-year-long monitoring reveals that this negative content has been significantly reduced in public multiplex. This positive trend has multiple reasons, including our Committee's fight against the abuse of "freedom of speech". This type of negative content has, by in large, moved from television to the internet and social media.
We are strongly against the government's electoral code amendment that required private media outlets to allocate a limited number of free hours to candidates during electoral campaigns. How is this different from requiring gas stations to provide free gas to candidates? The media outlets are deprived of hours that they could use to generate income.
We've been calling for reforms in the law regulating the media. The 2020 law on liberalizing media regulations is a welcoming change. The field is free, with minimal intervention from the Committee (regulator) or the government.
However, this liberalization also endangers Armenia's media security. For example, foreign channels broadcasted over Armenia's public multiplex and cable often spread content illegal under Armenian law and against the Republic of Armenia's interests. The law does not grant the Committee enough powers to curtail this. At the moment, the Committee has jurisdiction over public multiplex TV and licensed radio channels only. This creates an uneven competition field with channels broadcasted over the net, which do not have to follow the same rules. Under European directives, a minimal level of regulation of internet content has become a requirement for European countries. We advise the government to follow European practices.
The public often wonders what share of cable TV content is in Armenian or made in Armenia. Our research reveals the content based on the country of origin: Armenian 71 (vs 68 last year), Russian 174 (vs 167), European 75, American 38, Other 15. As you can see, relevant parties should take steps to increase the share of Armenian content.
We have very important progress in another metric: Armenian-language programs aired over Armenian channels, nationwide or in Yerevan. The Armenian-language programs accounted for 95% of the air. This includes foreign content translated into Armenian or with Armenian subtitles.
2018: <60%
2020: 79%
2021: 81%
2023: 95%
We have progress in another important area. Over the last 3-4 years, on the public multiplex, the share of partisan ideological content has been gradually replaced by content more beneficial to the general public. For example, (1) we now have a sports program that promotes the development of local sports and provides coverage of local events. (2) We have a family channel called Noor available in Yerevan. Despite some challenges and flaws, they are doing their best to establish themselves as a family channel. (3) We have an educational channel Bun. (4) We have a music channel Dar21.
By in large, the public multiplex still falls short of delivering what we envisage. We believe the time has come to adopt a new state strategy on media to prevent a crisis. We could have a crisis because the state has too many regulations and not enough incentives to allow channels to use their slots to generate income and produce quality content.
We fear that during the next auction for slots in 2027, several slots could be left uncontested, which could pave the way for the entry of propagandistic channels or clearly weak channels unable to deliver quality content. If the channels fail to generate income, they could also be sold to foreign buyers. Therefore, some channels could begin to serve the interests of foreign states and serve foreign propaganda to Armenian citizens.
We advise the government to...
(1) reduce the number of channels on public multiplex. It's an unreasonably high number for a country size of Armenia. Fewer public multiplex channels means each channel would receive more ad dollars, which would raise the quality of content.
(2) establish a media assistance fund to incentivize quality content over the public multiplex.
How do we monitor media channels for compliance? The monitoring phase lasts 2 months per year. In Lithuania and Georgia, it's 1 month. The rest of the time the monitoring is done by NGOs, the public, and other institutions.
We penalized 34 companies for broadcasting pirated content. This is a shamefully high number. There are unfortunately companies that do not respect intellectual property. The only option left is to ramp up the enforcement. The atmosphere of impunity among channels is driven by the fact that the size of the penalty is only $130, which is a lot less than what they'd spend on obtaining the rights to the content.
We've been enforcing rules more vigorously, and in 2023 alone there were 64 administrative proceedings. In comparison, between 2011-2018 there were a total of 17 such proceedings.
2011-2018: 17
2021: 84
2023: 64
Reasons for administrative proceedings: copyright violation, illegal ads, content harmful to children, gore & violence, cussing on air, failure to meet the minimum threshold of 20% for certain types of content, etc.
In December we made a decision to suspend the re-broadcasting of [Russian] Sputnik Radio for a month. We were accused of violating their free speech [by Armenia's opposition factions], however, the radio's leadership visited Armenia, apologized for their content, and agreed to exclude the violating show [Kremlin propagandist Tigran Keosayan] from their programming aired in Armenia. We lifted the suspension.
Once again, the Committee reminds that it will suspend any foreign outlet that broadcasts content that spreads hatred towards the Republic of Armenia or its people, interferes with Armenia's internal affairs, questions Armenia's sovereignty, or engages in provocative actions.
Along with increased enforcement, we also have more complaints filed against our decisions in courts, which shows that the enforcement & appeals process is functioning freely. Sometimes we lose these trials. We learn and gain experience.
We recently signed the first-ever agreement with a country outside Eurasia. The agreement with friendly Argentina's state media agency will allow Armenia's public channel to film a big սերիալ.
The Committee is cooperating with the high-tech ministry to use AI in our work to save resources and raise efficiency.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: The law requires television to provide content in the Assyrian language. Similar programs exist for Yezidis but not Assyrians.
REGULATOR: The law requires the content to be either in Assyrian language or about Assyrian culture. The latter requirement was met.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: But we would like to hear content, speech, in Assyrian language.
REGULATOR: We want to do that by requiring local television channels [presumably where Assyrians mostly live] to provide content in Assyrian language, rather than requiring the public channel to broadcast that content nationwide, because the vast majority of nationwide consumers would not be able to consume content in a language they do not speak. It should be more targeted. Assyrian subtitles on public nationwide channels are also an option so submit your suggestion and we'll negotiate with H1.
RULING MP: I welcome your decision to take action against [Kremlin's] Solovyov and Keosayan for their anti-Armenian and anti-Armenian Republic content, but people wonder why you don't take similar measures against others, like [Kremlin's] Kisilyov. What have you done in this regard and what suggestions have you sent to the high-tech ministry?
REGULATOR: Our Committee has the authority to suspend re-broadcasted radio channels, as in the case of Sputnik, but we cannot suspend television channels. We can only send complaints to the high-tech ministry so they can take action against TV channels based on the AM-RU interstate agreement. We have been frequently sending reports to our high-tech ministry, and after 3 years of inaction, they finally decided to take steps recently. You already know about their actions against Solovyov's content. The ministry is working with Russia to replace the [empty] Solovyov timeslot with other cultural or entertainment content. You can forget about Solovyov. As a reminder, this program was banned in Armenia not for being "anti-Armenian", which is a vague term, but for violating specific laws of Armenia. They often call for violence, incite steps to launch a war, etc. Even Armenian channels are not allowed to broadcast such content. We need to revise the AM-RU interstate agreement to grant the Committee more powers to regulate foreign channels as well. In the future, we should entirely ban all foreign channels on Armenia's public multiplex.
RULING MP: What is Shoghakat TV, who owns it, and does its content meet the requirements? [It's the channel operated by the church]
REGULATOR: Shoghakat was formerly called a religious-cultural channel. Under the new law, it must broadcast cultural-educational content; its genre legally is not religious-cultural. A recent study shows that the share of religious content is too high and it must be reduced by raising the share of cultural-educational programs to meet the requirements. The channel is receiving funds from the state and must therefore meet the cultural-educational programming requirements.
RULING MP: In other words, Shoghakat is a public channel, at least in part financed by the taxpayers, and does not provide the content it is legally required to? Religious content is not a bad thing but we must be mindful of the state resources.
REGULATOR: It's co-financed by the church and state. Shoghakat is also operating from a building owned by the church, and not the public TV.
OPPO MP: Isn't it time to also regulate the TV channels' social media accounts on Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok? They get more views than the content aired over the public multiplex. Children consume dangerous content on YouTube and TikTok. There are countries that are attempting to regulate it. Can Armenia do this? There are also unlicensed channels on the internet that spread whatever they want. How do we regulate all of this?
REGULATOR: This morning the EU's Ursula von der Leyen announced the possibility of banning TikTok in the EU. The same about the US. Even the most democratic states restrict platforms that pose a danger to their societies. It will be expensive to technologically restrict these platforms in Armenia but we must consider any measure that would protect the Armenian society. Armenia is falling behind the EU directives in terms of content restrictions.
OPPO MP: Today a 9-year-old boy sees as many naked girls in one day as the world's richest sultan throughout his whole life. This is going to have a negative impact on children. The same about narcotics. When are we going to amend the law to regulate this?
REGULATOR: In the case of the 9 y/o boy, the most important institutions are the school, parents, and the surrounding environment. As for regulating the media field, I've been saying this for 4 years and this appears to be a bipartisan issue so let's get together and decide how to regulate it.
RULING MP: Under the existing media regulation law, foreign companies are not allowed to operate a cable service in Armenia. Why is Rostelecom able to operate? Should we lift the ban on all foreign firms or should we ban Rostelecom?
REGULATOR: I believe they meet the requirement by not owning over 49% of the company shares. I believe 51% of their shares belong to an Armenian resident company. In their defense, Rostelecom has voluntarily banned Solovyov's show in Armenia.
full report, source,

անախորժ միջադեպ պառլամենտի բակում

The bodyguard of Armenia/ARF MP Levon Kocharyan, the son of ex-president Robert Kocharyan, is accused of punching and knocking down a journalist in the backyard of the parliament building after the outlet's criticism of opposition churchman and his portrayal as a corrupt agent of Russia.
REPORTER (Davit Levonyan, civic.am, affiliated with ruling party): After finishing an interview with a ruling party MP, I noticed that Levon Kocharyan's assistant/bodyguard Arthur Sukoyan was waiting nearby. He approached me and asked to speak for 2 minutes. I asked my operator to stand a bit further from us so we could talk. The bodyguard attempted to provoke a fight. He was unhappy about my opinion about churchman Bagrat [the co-organizer of the opposition's road closures in Tavush] and he said my actions were blasphemy. I said dear Arthur I have the right to free speech and I don't force my opinion on others, and that he can express his own opinion and that I don't really care about his opinion. He went on to escalate it into a physical fight in a way to present it as "two boys fighting" rather than hooliganism. He began to cuss at me. I said, "If you think I'm that type of person then I can say the same about you". I never punched him, knowing well that it was a provocation. He punched me and knocked me to the ground. I got up and cussed at him but chose not to fight. I told him that "you and the likes of you will answer for this". I wanted to verify whose assistant he was so he said Kocharyan's, and he invited me to his office to "settle the dispute". I told him to get the hell out of here and that he will answer later pa lyubomu.
QUESTION: Were there witnesses and is there a video recording?
REPORTER: My operator witnessed it and it was in front of the parliament building's security cameras. //
The alleged suspect, Arthur Sukoyan, is the son of Judge Alexei Sukoyan whose duties as a judge were terminated by SJC last year for "severe violations".
OPPO MP (Mher Sahakyan): That guy has no right to be called a journalist because I've seen his video [about the opposition churchman] and as a Christian Armenian, it's prosto unacceptable for me. Are you telling me you can describe a representative of a church any way you like and not answer for it? //
MP Mher Sahakyan himself was arrested last year after punching a ruling party MP and forcing him to get stitches.
What was the outlet's report that angered Kocharyan's bodyguard? The outlet accused the churchman of serving Russian interests and owning a meat production business in Tavush. A fact-checker has found that the churchman is indeed reported as a 25% shareholder of the company but the company says the churchman hasn't received profits. The ruling faction accuses the church of unethically using the church's media resources to advertise the "churchman's meat business".
source, source, source, source, source, source, source, source,

PM Pashinyan hosted the European Commission's Director-General of EU Neighborhood and Enlargement Negotiations

Pashinyan considered the AM-EU-US high-level meeting held in Brussels on April 5 as key and emphasized the need for effective implementation of the agreements reached.
Koopman noted that the European Commission is ready to contribute to the implementation of the priorities of the Armenian government to strengthen the resilience of Armenia and its economic growth.
Koopman expressed confidence that Armenia-EU relations will continue to develop and expand dynamically. The interlocutors discussed a wide range of issues related to Armenia-EU cooperation.

... On Tuesday Armenia, the EU, and Germany signed an agreement to reduce the Armenian rural population's reliance on imported Russian gas

They want to help low-income villagers and municipal buildings of Tavush, Shirak, Gegharkunik, and Syunik provinces to switch to solar energy. It will include solar water heaters, etc.
EUROPEAN COMMISSION rep.: The EU-Armenia relations are stronger than ever and the EU's dedication to Armenia is reflected in the agreements reached on April 5 in Brussels. This is a 3-year program worth €12.5 million.
GERMAN EMBASSY: Why not use the sun's energy for daily activities? Yesterday we noticed on our faces and skins how powerful the Armenian sun is. [please SPF 100 yourselves]
source, source,

World Bank’s Board of Executive Directors approved a $116 million program for Armenia to enable reforms aimed at promoting green, resilient and inclusive development

It includes a $100 million loan from IBRD and a $16 million grant. This budget support will help the Government of Armenia to build climate resilience and reduce vulnerabilities to future shocks, as part of the 2021-2026 plan.

It includes actions that will fortify anti-corruption measures by implementing a robust framework with a whistleblowing system and gift monitoring mechanism for public servants. Further, it is aligned with the Paris Agreement.

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Azerbaijani regime arrested another pro-democracy activist as part of a crackdown on an independent outlet

Mammadli, the head of the Election Monitoring and Democracy Studies Centre, had his home raided by the police and was detained on Monday on charges of smuggling.
EUROPEAN UNION: This detention is the latest in a series of arrests of independent journalists & activists, and a matter of concern for the EU. All those imprisoned for exercising their fundamental rights should be released.
UNITED STATES: We are deeply concerned about the ongoing arrests of representatives of the Azerbaijani political society, in particular, Anar Mammadli. We call on the government of Azerbaijan to immediately release all those unjustly arrested. We continue to call on the government of Azerbaijan to respect the human rights and fundamental freedoms of all.
source, source,

Armenia's Ambassador to the US Lilith Makunts met the experts of the US-based analytical center RAND that recently advised the West to provide defense assistance to Armenia and not to pressure Armenia to cut all ties with Russia prematurely

Ambassador Makunts presented the latest developments in the AM-AZ peace process and the Crossroads of Peace logistics process.
source, source,

Hungary is blocking the €10 million military assistance to Armenia

Context in April 17 news digest. Hungary is so far preventing the transfer of European Peace Facility resources to provide Armenia with a mobile field camp capability for a battalion-size unit, including a medical treatment facility as well as relevant services and facilities
Armenia submitted the application for funding in 2023. Georgia had earlier received €30 million in assistance as part of the same fund. They received equipment for controlling artillery divisions and engineering equipment.
Hungary, led by Turkish-Azeri-Russian ally Orban, demands that Azerbaijan receive assistance with demining activities in exchange for authorizing the transfer to Armenia. However, since Azerbaijan has not formally requested assistance with demining, it's possible the process could reach a dead end. The internal negotiations continue.
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Armenia's Defense Minister discussed AM-FR defence cooperation and army reforms with a French Senator

MOD Papikyan hosted Ronan Le Gloyot from the French Senate Committees on Foreign Relations, Defense, Armed Forces and European Affairs. The parties discussed AM-FR defense ties, the AM-EU ties, the Armenian army reforms, etc.
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Armenia and France discussed cooperation in military industry and aerospace (🤔)

High-Tech Minister Mkhitar Hayrapetyan hosted the French Senate delegation led by Ronan Le Gloyot. They discussed cybersecurity, digitization, the establishment and operation of French high-tech firms in Armenia, defense, military industry, and aerospace cooperation.
source,

France donates 4 diesel power generators with 100 kW to city halls and hospitals in Syunik

source, source,

Saudi Arabia's ethnic Armenian Prince Abdulaziz bin Talal Al Saud will visit Armenia

The agreement was reached during the recent visit by Armenia's Labor Minister to SA. The Prince and the Minister also agreed to establish cooperation between the Prince's AGFUND and Armenia's labor ministry.
source,

Armenia's Central Bank continues to cut the refinancing rate

2020: 4.25%
2022: 10.75%
2023: 9.25%
Jan 2024: 8.75%
Mar 2024: 8.50%
Apr 2024 8.25%
source, source,

Armenian migrant workers are sending fewer remittances from Russia and could find working in Armenia more beneficial

The net inflow of individuals' remittances from Russia in Q1 2024 amounted to $656.6 million compared to $1.1 billion in Q1 2023.
CENTRAL BANK: There is a decline this year due to economic and geopolitical issues, the exchange rate, and the ratio of salaries. It is necessary to have an understanding of whether Armenian migrant workers plan to continue working in Russia. Some prefer to return to Armenia and work here, as the difference in salaries now is much smaller than, for example, 10 years ago.
source, full,

agreement is signed to build a World Trade Center in Yerevan

Details in September 7 news digest.
Construction company RenShin presented the $212 million project to the government for approval. It's expected to create 10,000 jobs. There will be 4- and 5-star hotels as well.
PASHINYAN: It will be in place of the HayPost [post office] building on 22 Saryan St. Modern construction standards will be introduced in Armenia. Since our independence, there has never been a complex of this scale. It will help Armenia raise the "we are open for business" flag.
MHER GRIGORYAN: Armenia is the only country in the region without a World Trade Center. Being the last means we can have the best quality and newest technology. //
Armenia-based Renshen will invite the international architectural giant Norman Foster, known for developing the Apple Park in California, Germany's Reichstag Building, New York skyscraper Hearst Tower, the City Hall of Southwark (London), Millennium Bridge in London, Bilbao Metro, and more.
Who will own the complex? 50% investors, 30% HayPost, 20% Government. The company will buy HayPost's shares within the next 5 years. The revenue will help develop HayPost. It will have a new modern sorting facility to handle more parcels.
source,

16-year-old boy survives a fall from Kievian Bridge

source,

Yerevan's Yeritasardakan subway station has new lighting: VIDEO

It's the first of several to come.
video,

(Rant+Brainstorming)
-Make another social media space? -Maybe one of us or collectively we could make a youtube channel. -Ya'll who are artists could try making and publishing manga/comics with GNC characters -If anyone wanna make music videos i can help write songs cuz i have done poetry and writing since 5th grade. -I also write so if i get time i could find some publishing agency and have some books published in hard copy. -Anyone who knows how could make websites and blogs detailing GNC experiences -We could choose a common social media/messaging service and make a chat group
What else? Idk I'm just hurriedly putting out rough ideas for this. The point is to let our experiences be more known and for people to be aware of such group of people.
Think of how many people who may be GNC may not know what they are and be struggling to live with themselves.
I mean, i only found out what i was exactly only last year and when i did, it was a whole load off my shoulders. I was afraid that maybe i was completely romantically repressed due to my conservative background cuz i never had crushes, desires for relationships and did not relate to the concept of love.
It was very frustrating but when i first came across this sub and some others, it felt like my eyes had been open. It felt like i could actually feel romantic feelings and for the first time in my life so many things made my face warm, gave those fluttering feelings in my stomach and made my heart beat faster. It felt the same as if i could breathe more easily after your nostrils unblocks. Its like my romantic side was unblocked and pouring out.
Note; I desperately want to take things into my hand and do almost all the above but i am a veryyy busy person (i have two part time jobs + studying) Also, to note, i have not come out as GNC to a single person irl.
They don't even know what it is and even if i explain they have such limited view their minds would be blown. People just know me as a tomboyish woman but my family still expects me to settle down and have kids. If they come to know what sort of men i am into...i don't know what will happen, really. They won't disown me but i will surely won't hear the end of it and they'll keep trying to 'correct' me.
My mother is a bit progressive. She says marry or not, no problem, as long as i have a financially stable job and a house but i suspect she would want grandkids (she can have my cats)

It's been a month exactly since we last spoke and 4 months since we ended and I felt like I was getting stronger and managing to cope without you J.
But then something happens and I just wake up randomly with this huge feeling of missing you like crazy.... for almost 3 weeks now I've managed to accept that our almost 2 years of getting on amazing never wanting to spend a minute without talking to each other situationship must of been a lie for the fact one day your telling me we have something special and your routing for me to be the one with feelings stronger than you can tell me to 3 days later after going away with your guy devaluing me and cutting me off before reaching out a month later following up with telling me I have traits you don't like that you couldn't be with even if single.
We never meant for us to happen I get that and that's why it hurts I've never fallen for someone else or even remotely had interest in someone else while taken you just appeared through your dad and through work and grabbed onto my soul, we both tried to resist and couldn't.
Now I'm left with the guilt of us even though as bad as it still is we never physically did anything wrong even though emotional is still as bad.
I am also left with this tether I can't release... I saw you the other day when I had to drop something off for your dad at work and I thought I was ok but then have woke up with floods of feelings of missing you wether it was false on your end or not from my side it was real I fell for you.
I hope one day this disappears I struggle with it I genuinely thought you were going to become my life... now I'm just reminded of you constantly by my own thoughts or memories or by music or simply by your dad speaking of you because he's not aware of us. He did tell me one of the guys you worked with on another site is coming to work with you this week and because of the way your feelings cut off for me i try not to believe it but all I think is was he another person you sucked in. I don't want to believe it but it's hard to believe what was real or what wasn't or even if you can be trusted... you evaded and ended us after causing the final arguments with your coldness which inevitably caused our end (I was also to blame by how I flipped and told you home truths which you didn't like) but I hold no animosity when I'm low about you I can only think of the perfection we had for 18 months even under the circumstances.
Maybe karma got me but you vacuumed me in why am I being punished when I held true to my words we never wanted to be involved that way but our feelings got too strong.. you begged me to never use you or play games because of how strong you felt and how it could spiral your mental health to the extremes and I never broke i fell in love with you.
Yet you seem to be able to carry on asif I never existed or like it hasn't effected you at all posting videos of you and your guy saying how in love you are with him and happily standing infront of me at work while I'm talking to your dad listening in with absolutely no emotion and blank faced... I could see in your face I meant nothing to you anymore.
I'm sorry I couldn't accept friends and I asked you to block me and not unblock me unless you wanted me but you blocking and unblocking all the time was ruining me and the false accusations like calling me a stalker because I noticed you unblocked me on spotify or when you said I was using manipulation on you by removing my profile picture on whatsapp to get to you or putting statuses on it. I was watching the boxing i put it on my status for me and my friends to talk about. And as for the picture you know when I'm having a crap week at work I tend to remove my picture so people think I've got rid so they don't message me on it.
I know this is long I just feel I have to write my thoughts somewhere... you will never read this (I don't think) but yeah you crushed me you knew all of my secrets and all of the hurt I went through in a past relationship losing a child etc snd still proceeded to end us rather than communicating... you couldn't remotely fight for us and now I spend my life fighting myself not to breakdown over you.
B

I went out with this guy a few times in 2022. We met on a dating app, I wasn’t even going to match with him but I saw that he had paid to superlike me so I thought I’d give him a chance. We only saw each other twice but he made me feel things nobody ever had. I really really liked him. He made me feel happy and I think he really did genuinely care for me. He’s the most attractive man I’ve ever met. I felt so safe when I was with him. I remember that we talked a bit about the future and what our goals are. He said his goal in the future was to get married, buy a house in the country, have a family, live off the land and so on… it stuck with me for a long time because that’s what I want too. And in that moment all I could imagine was us being like that in the future. I was so happy. We texted each other all week until we saw each other the next weekend. That time we were hanging out and I smoked weed for the first time. While we were high he told me he thought I was special and that we already had a very strong bond and connection. I felt so comfortable with him since I met him I felt the same. We planned to see each other the following weekend but the next day he texted me and said he had bad news and would phone me after work. He told me he might be moving across the country due to family stuff. He said he didn’t want to burn any bridges because you never know what could happen in the future. He sounded really upset and so was I. He said we shouldn’t talk until he found out. I sat down and didn’t move for at least half an hour after I hung up the phone. A few days later I texted him and he replied something: I’m really sorry but my family doesn’t approve of me seeing you. “You’re a beautiful person and I’m sorry that they don’t see you that way. This is going to hurt me a lot but I’m sorry, goodbye”. I don’t really remember what happened after that as I was smoking copious amounts of cannabis that summer. (I’m pretty sure “his family didn’t approve of me” because I was recovering from psychosis and at the time my diagnosis was schizoaffective bipolar, I was very unstable around this time too. A few weeks before that I had my first date and the guy OD’d after our date unrelated but anyways). I hooked up with a lot of guys that summer trying to get over him. Then a few months later he reaches out and says we should reconnect as friends. I ignored it as I was with my boyfriend who I dated for a year. Anyways a few months later after the novelty of dating my bf wore off I started to miss him so much and I would cry and cry about him thinking of what could’ve been. I kept thinking that I was going to be with him, whether it’s 10 years in the future or whatever. I believed we were soulmates and connected together for life. But at the same time I felt he had probably forgotten who I was. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I felt so bad because I loved my boyfriend. But I remember thinking of him while we were having sex and feeling guilty and sad and cruel. The thoughts about him subsided until about a year after I was going out with him I saw a guy who looked like him kiss a girl and I freaked out. I was so distraught. I was so depressed (and on meds that didn’t work at the time) and he was all I could think of. I listened to music and fantasied about him, us being together, thinking of our time together. One night I was feeling really I don’t even know how to describe it but I wasn’t me. I made a fake phone number and texted to him “you’re one of the reasons why she killer herself”. No context to the message. Then when I came to I felt like an idiot. A bit later I checked and he had unblocked me idk when, but I texted him and admitted to him how I felt towards him and that I still liked him and would do anything to be with him again basically. He said that he misses what we had too but it was in the past now and that he was sorry but he wasn’t looking for a relationship and he was going to the military soon but was very flattered that I told him. We agreed to still be friends although we haven’t talked since. After I told him it calmed down a lot and I got over him for the first time. I was sad but I felt peace of mind. A few weeks later he started commenting on my instagram posts, liking my stories and comments on reels videos, replying to them, even added me to his close friends story. I thought nothing of it because I think he was just trying to be friendly. Around this time I also broke up with my boyfriend who id been dating at the time because I didn’t feel he loved me and I didn’t feel a connection. And then a month later I find out he has a GIRLFRIEND. And it crushed me. Because I knew I would never be with him. He’s moved on from me. I’ll never be someone special in his head like he is to me. And that makes me so sad. That I think of him in all these different ways, that I consider him my first love, but I mean nothing to him. I’ll just be one of the girls he went out with a few years ago, if he even remembers me. I went to Europe this winter with family and for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I was dissociating almost the whole trip, hallucinating, got physically assaulted. I wrote our names in the sand and (TW) fantasied about ending both our lives while having sex so we would be bound together forever physically and in death. He was forever mine in my heart. When I got back home I started feeling better. I started to resent him for what he did to me. How he treated me, acting like he cared about me just to abandon me. Telling me we had a bond and acting like he wanted to be with me. He ruined my life for at least a year. And I hate that he takes up space and memory in my mind. He’s the reason why my attachment issues are so bad. Why I never believe nobody will stay with me or want to be with me. He ruined how I perceive relationships. Now mainly I’m happy for him that he’s doing what he what’s to do and that he has a girlfriend and that they love each other. But sometimes it makes me sad. He’ll always think of her. She’ll always be way more special to him than me, even after he breaks up with her. He will only think of her and never me. I want to say I still hope we’ll be together one day but I don’t even believe it anymore. I only really think of him when something reminds me of him (hence why I started writing this). It makes my heart ache with dread and sorrow. I’m over him for real, but I still want him. I still cry when I think of him. If I could just wake up and it’s all been a bad dream since then I would never take anything for granted again. I just wish i could meet a person that one ups him. I don’t even know where I was going with this originally but it felt good to get it all out and thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this.

i was speaking to a male romantically who has schizophrenia for a month until he blocked me due to a misunderstanding & the voices in his head convinced him i will hurt him in the future. he then unblocked me 3 months later, we spoke for the first 3 days of september after i reached out. in those days he was constantly reassuring me that he will not leave again & that he will not block me, as i was super worried and telling him how upset & hurt i was and how much i missed him. he also stated that he does care about me because i'm genuine, rare and sweet & caring towards him.
he also stated that he missed me a fair amount because of those reasons too. when i asked him if he was speaking to another girl whilst i was gone, he said he didnt because he hates getting to know new people, and learning what their favourite colour is etc. as he detests them any time they speak, but he stated with me he never once had that feeling. when i asked that if he did miss me why he didnt reach out, he stated that he thought i hated him so he thought it would be pointless.
i also deeply expressed my feelings for him & my careness towards him etc multiple times. on the 3rd day of us talking we were on the discussion of caring, and i stated that if he did not care about me then i would of course leave. i then a few minutes later asked him if he would care if i left. (i only stated that because i wanted to get an insight if he actually cared for me or not. i have severe trust issues and have never trusted anyone in my life, he was the only person i truly ever trusted, i know i shouldn't have said those comments but my paranoia takes over me at times. as obviously i would never leave him, i could never.) but when he stated that he would be hurt a little i felt so guilty & my brain immediately stated to itself that i will never leave him as i never want to hurt him and that will never be my intention as i care too much about him and have deep feelings for him.
we then changed topics to music bands & were having a laugh with each other about other topics everything seemed to be going well & fine until he went to his friends dad's birthday party & left me on seen & didn't respond until 8pm-3 or 4am and i thought it was so strange he then later in the morning blocked me. i do believe yet again the voices got to him & made him believe that i will leave & hurt him. he had blocked me on every application except twitter (that's because he dosen't know my username. but i found his twitter account due to a screenshot he sent me in our past comversations of his twitter dms & i saw his close friends twitter account, in which his friend only has 5 followers, so it was pretty easy & quick to find him.) i was wondering if he would think i'm weird if i was to request his twitter account as he is on private. as it's been 7 months now & i just want to gain some clarity? i also miss him a lot & believe it is yet again another misunderstanding (in which he again does not know of.)
i genuinely still do believe he was the one for me due to him being the first ever male i ever trusted, first male to respect me, treat me well, was nice & caring towards me. also, the first person who literally had such similarities with me, i never got bored of him & i felt so comfortable with him that i had never felt before, i truly do believe he was my soulmate. (btw i have been nothing but nice, caring and kind to him and my actions towards him can prove this too.)

i was speaking to a male romantically who has schizophrenia for a month until he blocked me due to a misunderstanding & the voices in his head convinced him i will hurt him in the future. he then unblocked me 3 months later, we spoke for the first 3 days of september after i reached out. in those days he was constantly reassuring me that he will not leave again & that he will not block me, as i was super worried and telling him how upset & hurt i was and how much i missed him. he also stated that he does care about me because i'm genuine, rare and sweet & caring towards him.
he also stated that he missed me a fair amount because of those reasons too. when i asked him if he was speaking to another girl whilst i was gone, he said he didnt because he hates getting to know new people, and learning what their favourite colour is etc. as he detests them any time they speak, but he stated with me he never once had that feeling. when i asked that if he did miss me why he didnt reach out, he stated that he thought i hated him so he thought it would be pointless.
i also deeply expressed my feelings for him & my careness towards him etc multiple times. on the 3rd day of us talking we were on the discussion of caring, and i stated that if he did not care about me then i would of course leave. i then a few minutes later asked him if he would care if i left. (i only stated that because i wanted to get an insight if he actually cared for me or not. i have severe trust issues and have never trusted anyone in my life, he was the only person i truly ever trusted, i know i shouldn't have said those comments but my paranoia takes over me at times. as obviously i would never leave him, i could never.) but when he stated that he would be hurt a little i felt so guilty & my brain immediately stated to itself that i will never leave him as i never want to hurt him and that will never be my intention as i care too much about him and have deep feelings for him.
we then changed topics to music bands & were having a laugh with each other about other topics everything seemed to be going well & fine until he went to his friends dad's birthday party & left me on seen & didn't respond until 8pm-3 or 4am and i thought it was so strange he then later in the morning blocked me. i do believe yet again the voices got to him & made him believe that i will leave & hurt him. he had blocked me on every application except twitter (that's because he dosen't know my username. but i found his twitter account due to a screenshot he sent me in our past comversations of his twitter dms & i saw his close friends twitter account, in which his friend only has 5 followers, so it was pretty easy & quick to find him.) i was wondering if he would think i'm weird if i was to request his twitter account as he is on private. as it's been 7 months now & i just want to gain some clarity? i also miss him a lot & believe it is yet again another misunderstanding (in which he again does not know of.)
i genuinely still do believe he was the one for me due to him being the first ever male i ever trusted, first male to respect me, treat me well, was nice & caring towards me. also, the first person who literally had such similarities with me, i never got bored of him & i felt so comfortable with him that i had never felt before, i truly do believe he was my soulmate. (btw i have been nothing but nice, caring and kind to him and my actions towards him can prove this too.)

i was speaking to a male romantically who has schizophrenia for a month until he blocked me due to a misunderstanding & the voices in his head convinced him i will hurt him in the future. he then unblocked me 3 months later, we spoke for the first 3 days of september after i reached out. in those days he was constantly reassuring me that he will not leave again & that he will not block me, as i was super worried and telling him how upset & hurt i was and how much i missed him. he also stated that he does care about me because i'm genuine, rare and sweet & caring towards him.
he also stated that he missed me a fair amount because of those reasons too. when i asked him if he was speaking to another girl whilst i was gone, he said he didnt because he hates getting to know new people, and learning what their favourite colour is etc. as he detests them any time they speak, but he stated with me he never once had that feeling. when i asked that if he did miss me why he didnt reach out, he stated that he thought i hated him so he thought it would be pointless.
i also deeply expressed my feelings for him & my careness towards him etc multiple times. on the 3rd day of us talking we were on the discussion of caring, and i stated that if he did not care about me then i would of course leave. i then a few minutes later asked him if he would care if i left. (i only stated that because i wanted to get an insight if he actually cared for me or not. i have severe trust issues and have never trusted anyone in my life, he was the only person i truly ever trusted, i know i shouldn't have said those comments but my paranoia takes over me at times. as obviously i would never leave him, i could never.) but when he stated that he would be hurt a little i felt so guilty & my brain immediately stated to itself that i will never leave him as i never want to hurt him and that will never be my intention as i care too much about him and have deep feelings for him.
we then changed topics to music bands & were having a laugh with each other about other topics everything seemed to be going well & fine until he went to his friends dad's birthday party & left me on seen & didn't respond until 8pm-3 or 4am and i thought it was so strange he then later in the morning blocked me. i do believe yet again the voices got to him & made him believe that i will leave & hurt him. he had blocked me on every application except twitter (that's because he dosen't know my username. but i found his twitter account due to a screenshot he sent me in our past comversations of his twitter dms & i saw his close friends twitter account, in which his friend only has 5 followers, so it was pretty easy & quick to find him.) i was wondering if he would think i'm weird if i was to request his twitter account as he is on private. as it's been 7 months now & i just want to gain some clarity? i also miss him a lot & believe it is yet again another misunderstanding (in which he again does not know of.)
i genuinely still do believe he was the one for me due to him being the first ever male i ever trusted, first male to respect me, treat me well, was nice & caring towards me. also, the first person who literally had such similarities with me, i never got bored of him & i felt so comfortable with him that i had never felt before, i truly do believe he was my soulmate. (btw i have been nothing but nice, caring and kind to him and my actions towards him can prove this too.)