Baby related words

Professor Woodrow Wilson once said that every man sent out from a university should be a man of his nation as well as a man of his time, and I am confident that the men and women who carry the honor of graduating from this institution will continue to give from their lives, from their talents, a high measure of public service and public support.
"There are few earthly things more beautiful than a university," wrote John Masefield in his tribute to English universities--and his words are equally true today. He did not refer to spires and towers, to campus greens and ivied walls. He admired the splendid beauty of the university, he said, because it was "a place where those who hate ignorance may strive to know, where those who perceive truth may strive to make others see."
I have, therefore, chosen this time and this place to discuss a topic on which ignorance too often abounds and the truth is too rarely perceived--yet it is the most important topic on earth: world peace.
What kind of peace do I mean? What kind of peace do we seek? Not a Pax Americana enforced on the world by American weapons of war. Not the peace of the grave or the security of the slave. I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations to grow and to hope and to build a better life for their children--not merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women--not merely peace in our time but peace for all time.
I speak of peace because of the new face of war. Total war makes no sense in an age when great powers can maintain large and relatively invulnerable nuclear forces and refuse to surrender without resort to those forces. It makes no sense in an age when a single nuclear weapon contains almost ten times the explosive force delivered by all the allied air forces in the Second World War. It makes no sense in an age when the deadly poisons produced by a nuclear exchange would be carried by wind and water and soil and seed to the far corners of the globe and to generations yet unborn.
Today the expenditure of billions of dollars every year on weapons acquired for the purpose of making sure we never need to use them is essential to keeping the peace. But surely the acquisition of such idle stockpiles--which can only destroy and never create--is not the only, much less the most efficient, means of assuring peace.
I speak of peace, therefore, as the necessary rational end of rational men. I realize that the pursuit of peace is not as dramatic as the pursuit of war--and frequently the words of the pursuer fall on deaf ears. But we have no more urgent task.
Some say that it is useless to speak of world peace or world law or world disarmament--and that it will be useless until the leaders of the Soviet Union adopt a more enlightened attitude. I hope they do. I believe we can help them do it. But I also believe that we must reexamine our own attitude--as individuals and as a Nation--for our attitude is as essential as theirs. And every graduate of this school, every thoughtful citizen who despairs of war and wishes to bring peace, should begin by looking inward--by examining his own attitude toward the possibilities of peace, toward the Soviet Union, toward the course of the cold war and toward freedom and peace here at home.
First: Let us examine our attitude toward peace itself. Too many of us think it is impossible. Too many think it unreal. But that is a dangerous, defeatist belief. It leads to the conclusion that war is inevitable--that mankind is doomed--that we are gripped by forces we cannot control.
We need not accept that view. Our problems are manmade--therefore, they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings. Man's reason and spirit have often solved the seemingly unsolvable--and we believe they can do it again.
I am not referring to the absolute, infinite concept of peace and good will of which some fantasies and fanatics dream. I do not deny the value of hopes and dreams but we merely invite discouragement and incredulity by making that our only and immediate goal.
Let us focus instead on a more practical, more attainable peace-- based not on a sudden revolution in human nature but on a gradual evolution in human institutions--on a series of concrete actions and effective agreements which are in the interest of all concerned. There is no single, simple key to this peace--no grand or magic formula to be adopted by one or two powers. Genuine peace must be the product of many nations, the sum of many acts. It must be dynamic, not static, changing to meet the challenge of each new generation. For peace is a process--a way of solving problems.
With such a peace, there will still be quarrels and conflicting interests, as there are within families and nations. World peace, like community peace, does not require that each man love his neighbor--it requires only that they live together in mutual tolerance, submitting their disputes to a just and peaceful settlement. And history teaches us that enmities between nations, as between individuals, do not last forever. However fixed our likes and dislikes may seem, the tide of time and events will often bring surprising changes in the relations between nations and neighbors.
So let us persevere. Peace need not be impracticable, and war need not be inevitable. By defining our goal more clearly, by making it seem more manageable and less remote, we can help all peoples to see it, to draw hope from it, and to move irresistibly toward it.
Second: Let us reexamine our attitude toward the Soviet Union. It is discouraging to think that their leaders may actually believe what their propagandists write. It is discouraging to read a recent authoritative Soviet text on Military Strategy and find, on page after page, wholly baseless and incredible claims--such as the allegation that "American imperialist circles are preparing to unleash different types of wars . . . that there is a very real threat of a preventive war being unleashed by American imperialists against the Soviet Union . . . [and that] the political aims of the American imperialists are to enslave economically and politically the European and other capitalist countries . . . [and] to achieve world domination . . . by means of aggressive wars."
Truly, as it was written long ago: "The wicked flee when no man pursueth." Yet it is sad to read these Soviet statements--to realize the extent of the gulf between us. But it is also a warning--a warning to the American people not to fall into the same trap as the Soviets, not to see only a distorted and desperate view of the other side, not to see conflict as inevitable, accommodation as impossible, and communication as nothing more than an exchange of threats.
No government or social system is so evil that its people must be considered as lacking in virtue. As Americans, we find communism profoundly repugnant as a negation of personal freedom and dignity. But we can still hail the Russian people for their many achievements--in science and space, in economic and industrial growth, in culture and in acts of courage.
Among the many traits the peoples of our two countries have in common, none is stronger than our mutual abhorrence of war. Almost unique among the major world powers, we have never been at war with each other. And no nation in the history of battle ever suffered more than the Soviet Union suffered in the course of the Second World War. At least 20 million lost their lives. Countless millions of homes and farms were burned or sacked. A third of the nation's territory, including nearly two thirds of its industrial base, was turned into a wasteland--a loss equivalent to the devastation of this country east of Chicago.
Today, should total war ever break out again--no matter how--our two countries would become the primary targets. It is an ironic but accurate fact that the two strongest powers are the two in the most danger of devastation. All we have built, all we have worked for, would be destroyed in the first 24 hours. And even in the cold war, which brings burdens and dangers to so many nations, including this Nation's closest allies--our two countries bear the heaviest burdens. For we are both devoting massive sums of money to weapons that could be better devoted to combating ignorance, poverty, and disease. We are both caught up in a vicious and dangerous cycle in which suspicion on one side breeds suspicion on the other, and new weapons beget counterweapons.
In short, both the United States and its allies, and the Soviet Union and its allies, have a mutually deep interest in a just and genuine peace and in halting the arms race. Agreements to this end are in the interests of the Soviet Union as well as ours--and even the most hostile nations can be relied upon to accept and keep those treaty obligations, and only those treaty obligations, which are in their own interest.
So, let us not be blind to our differences--but let us also direct attention to our common interests and to the means by which those differences can be resolved. And if we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity. For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.
Third: Let us reexamine our attitude toward the cold war, remembering that we are not engaged in a debate, seeking to pile up debating points. We are not here distributing blame or pointing the finger of judgment. We must deal with the world as it is, and not as it might have been had the history of the last 18 years been different.
We must, therefore, persevere in the search for peace in the hope that constructive changes within the Communist bloc might bring within reach solutions which now seem beyond us. We must conduct our affairs in such a way that it becomes in the Communists' interest to agree on a genuine peace. Above all, while defending our own vital interests, nuclear powers must avert those confrontations which bring an adversary to a choice of either a humiliating retreat or a nuclear war. To adopt that kind of course in the nuclear age would be evidence only of the bankruptcy of our policy--or of a collective death-wish for the world.
To secure these ends, America's weapons are nonprovocative, carefully controlled, designed to deter, and capable of selective use. Our military forces are committed to peace and disciplined in self- restraint. Our diplomats are instructed to avoid unnecessary irritants and purely rhetorical hostility.
For we can seek a relaxation of tension without relaxing our guard. And, for our part, we do not need to use threats to prove that we are resolute. We do not need to jam foreign broadcasts out of fear our faith will be eroded. We are unwilling to impose our system on any unwilling people--but we are willing and able to engage in peaceful competition with any people on earth.
Meanwhile, we seek to strengthen the United Nations, to help solve its financial problems, to make it a more effective instrument for peace, to develop it into a genuine world security system--a system capable of resolving disputes on the basis of law, of insuring the security of the large and the small, and of creating conditions under which arms can finally be abolished.
At the same time we seek to keep peace inside the non-Communist world, where many nations, all of them our friends, are divided over issues which weaken Western unity, which invite Communist intervention or which threaten to erupt into war. Our efforts in West New Guinea, in the Congo, in the Middle East, and in the Indian subcontinent, have been persistent and patient despite criticism from both sides. We have also tried to set an example for others--by seeking to adjust small but significant differences with our own closest neighbors in Mexico and in Canada.
Speaking of other nations, I wish to make one point clear. We are bound to many nations by alliances. Those alliances exist because our concern and theirs substantially overlap. Our commitment to defend Western Europe and West Berlin, for example, stands undiminished because of the identity of our vital interests. The United States will make no deal with the Soviet Union at the expense of other nations and other peoples, not merely because they are our partners, but also because their interests and ours converge.
Our interests converge, however, not only in defending the frontiers of freedom, but in pursuing the paths of peace. It is our hope-- and the purpose of allied policies--to convince the Soviet Union that she, too, should let each nation choose its own future, so long as that choice does not interfere with the choices of others. The Communist drive to impose their political and economic system on others is the primary cause of world tension today. For there can be no doubt that, if all nations could refrain from interfering in the self-determination of others, the peace would be much more assured.
This will require a new effort to achieve world law--a new context for world discussions. It will require increased understanding between the Soviets and ourselves. And increased understanding will require increased contact and communication. One step in this direction is the proposed arrangement for a direct line between Moscow and Washington, to avoid on each side the dangerous delays, misunderstandings, and misreadings of the other's actions which might occur at a time of crisis.
We have also been talking in Geneva about the other first-step measures of arms control designed to limit the intensity of the arms race and to reduce the risks of accidental war. Our primary long range interest in Geneva, however, is general and complete disarmament-- designed to take place by stages, permitting parallel political developments to build the new institutions of peace which would take the place of arms. The pursuit of disarmament has been an effort of this Government since the 1920's. It has been urgently sought by the past three administrations. And however dim the prospects may be today, we intend to continue this effort--to continue it in order that all countries, including our own, can better grasp what the problems and possibilities of disarmament are.
The one major area of these negotiations where the end is in sight, yet where a fresh start is badly needed, is in a treaty to outlaw nuclear tests. The conclusion of such a treaty, so near and yet so far, would check the spiraling arms race in one of its most dangerous areas. It would place the nuclear powers in a position to deal more effectively with one of the greatest hazards which man faces in 1963, the further spread of nuclear arms. It would increase our security--it would decrease the prospects of war. Surely this goal is sufficiently important to require our steady pursuit, yielding neither to the temptation to give up the whole effort nor the temptation to give up our insistence on vital and responsible safeguards.
I am taking this opportunity, therefore, to announce two important decisions in this regard.
First: Chairman Khrushchev, Prime Minister Macmillan, and I have agreed that high-level discussions will shortly begin in Moscow looking toward early agreement on a comprehensive test ban treaty. Our hopes must be tempered with the caution of history--but with our hopes go the hopes of all mankind.
Second: To make clear our good faith and solemn convictions on the matter, I now declare that the United States does not propose to conduct nuclear tests in the atmosphere so long as other states do not do so. We will not be the first to resume. Such a declaration is no substitute for a formal binding treaty, but I hope it will help us achieve one. Nor would such a treaty be a substitute for disarmament, but I hope it will help us achieve it.
Finally, my fellow Americans, let us examine our attitude toward peace and freedom here at home. The quality and spirit of our own society must justify and support our efforts abroad. We must show it in the dedication of our own lives--as many of you who are graduating today will have a unique opportunity to do, by serving without pay in the Peace Corps abroad or in the proposed National Service Corps here at home.
But wherever we are, we must all, in our daily lives, live up to the age-old faith that peace and freedom walk together. In too many of our cities today, the peace is not secure because the freedom is incomplete.
It is the responsibility of the executive branch at all levels of government--local, State, and National--to provide and protect that freedom for all of our citizens by all means within their authority. It is the responsibility of the legislative branch at all levels, wherever that authority is not now adequate, to make it adequate. And it is the responsibility of all citizens in all sections of this country to respect the rights of all others and to respect the law of the land.
All this is not unrelated to world peace. "When a man's ways please the Lord," the Scriptures tell us, "he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him." And is not peace, in the last analysis, basically a matter of human rights--the right to live out our lives without fear of devastation--the right to breathe air as nature provided it--the right of future generations to a healthy existence?
While we proceed to safeguard our national interests, let us also safeguard human interests. And the elimination of war and arms is clearly in the interest of both. No treaty, however much it may be to the advantage of all, however tightly it may be worded, can provide absolute security against the risks of deception and evasion. But it can--if it is sufficiently effective in its enforcement and if it is sufficiently in the interests of its signers--offer far more security and far fewer risks than an unabated, uncontrolled, unpredictable arms race.
The United States, as the world knows, will never start a war. We do not want a war. We do not now expect a war. This generation of Americans has already had enough--more than enough--of war and hate and oppression. We shall be prepared if others wish it. We shall be alert to try to stop it. But we shall also do our part to build a world of peace where the weak are safe and the strong are just. We are not helpless before that task or hopeless of its success. Confident and unafraid, we labor on--not toward a strategy of annihilation but toward a strategy of peace.

Everything at once, right? Another friend passed from fent laced stuff.
But bad can't be the only thing or there would be no gauge on what's good except by comparison. It's relative by nature maybe? I don't want to get too dicey here, I'm just in a hole.
I do have a phone interview for a life changing position either today, tomorrow, or Monday. I count that as a win. My baby is thriving despite me not doing great symptom-wise, wife still holds title of best mom ever so throw out your coffee mugs, these are wins. We got to decompress and see some music, total win. My bestie is coming to visit, huge win for me bc I have like no local friends.
Life itself is mixed so hard I barely know how to deal. But I focus on the stuff that's going good, and get little glimmers of "woop woop" moments. I should follow my own advice, but those little cool things that happen shouldn't be overlooked. Chalk up your wins.
Woop woop.

Recent discussions here referred to the fact that some local Network pastors were downplaying the role of the Network, Steve Morgan, and Network Leadership Team. It would be a good idea to revisit this topic to know more about these Network leaders and their roles.
Overview of the Network
The Network by-laws provide some documentation for the Network Leadership Team (NLT) and their role. The by-laws refer to the NLT as a corporation known as the “Network”. This is interesting on two fronts. There is no evidence that the Network actually exists as an official corporation filed with a state agency and the federal Internal Revenue Service. It is believed that Network related funds and payroll are run through Joshua Church’s accounts and 501(c)(3) non profit status. According to page 10, the Network budget is overseen by the NLT and may be delegated to a local church and board.
They use the term “Network” to refer to themselves. This was their choice of words leading to the broad use of the term in public.
The first eight pages of the Network by-laws are devoted to outlining the beliefs and values of the Network culminating in the Apostles and Nicene creeds. These beliefs mirror many evangelical churches.
Purpose and Role of the Network Leadership Team
According to the by-laws, the Network Leadership Team leads the group of churches (p. 10). Local Network churches willingly affiliate with the Network as affirmed by each local board of overseers, allow the NLT to provide support and agree to their coaching, and agree to send 5% of the local tithes to the Network. But local church boards and pastors are not entitled to vote on Network decisions.
According to the by-laws, the Network exists to provide local churches with the following services:

1. Coaching
2. Training
3. Relationship
4. Support
5. Accountability
6. Assistance with planting new churches

In practice, the NLT members provide the above services to local churches through site visits, regional meetings, phone calls, emails, pastor retreats, church retreats, curriculum materials like small group leader topics, and counseling.
Network Leadership Team Members
The Network Leader, also known as the Network President, is Steve Morgan. According to the by-laws, he appoints members of the NLT who are then ratified by the other members. The Network President can only be removed by the NLT. If the NLT is not unanimous in voting for his removal, a majority vote of the local church pastors can remove him.
In 2019, the NLT consisted of Steve Morgan, Sándor Paull, Tony Ranvestal, Luke Williams, Justin Major, and Aaron Kuhnert. But according to a recorded team meeting by Sándor Paull in 2022, Justin and Aaron are no longer members and James Chidester was added. No reasons for these changes were given. Below is information about the current NLT members.
Steve Morgan - Network President. Much has been written about Network President Steve Morgan including a page devoted to Who is Steve Morgan. Given his role on the NLT and part of his salary being sourced from Network funds, there may be a conflict of interest.
Sándor Paull - Network Vice President. He met Steve Morgan at the Student Rec Center at SIUC when Sándor was an undergraduate student and Steve was an instructor. Steve asked Sándor to join the fledgling Vineyard Community Church early on after starting the church in 1995. Sándor is currently Network Vice President and Lead Pastor at Christland Church. As the Network Vice President, he is second in command behind Steve Morgan. Church plants sent by Sándor include High Rock, Cedar Heights, Valley Springs, North Pines, Rock Hills, Rock River, and Isaiah. There’s been plenty written about Sándor but this article in the Texas A&M newspaper gives an apt description of his practices. He likely serves as regional overseer for churches in the midwest regions.
Tony Ranvestal - He met Steve Morgan at Vineyard Community Church while a graduate student at SIUC. Tony was James Chidester’s small group leader at Vine Church in the early 2000s. After graduating, Tony went to the Champaign Vineyard Church and served as a pastor intern there under Vineyard Regional DirectoLead Pastor Happy Leman. He planted River Vineyard Church in West Lafayette, IN, eventually pulling his church out of the Vineyard to join Steve Morgan’s fledgling network. River Vineyard was renamed Clear River Church. Church plants sent from Tony and Clear River include Vida Springs, Oaks, South Grove and Ascent. Tony is currently Lead Pastor at Vida Springs Church. Tony is the second most senior leader behind Sandor. He likely serves as regional overseer for churches in the south and east regions.
Luke Williams - He met Steve Morgan at Bluesky Church when he was a freshman at the University of Washington. Luke came on staff at Bluesky as a maintenance worker while an undergraduate and then was hired as a staff pastor after graduating. He is currently Lead Pastor at Vista Church in San Luis Obispo, CA. Luke has not sent any church plants. He likely serves as regional overseer for the churches on the west coast.
James Chidester - James is the least known of the NLT members, is not public facing like the pastors, and deserves a bit of background information. James met Steve Morgan at Vine Church while an undergraduate student at Southern Illinois University Carbondale. Upon graduating and at the age of 22, James was made an Overseer at Bluesky Church in 2004 by Steve. James was Luke William’s small group leader at Bluesky. In 2017 he joined Steve Morgan in planting Joshua Church in Austin, TX. He was at one time, and still may be an Overseer at Joshua. He completed a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Seattle Pacific University. He is a licensed clinical psychologist in Washington state (WA License # PY60361570) and Texas (#37511), James currently serves as a counselor to the Network pastors and their wives. His salary and full benefits comes from the Network funds each church sends but his payroll and taxes are run out of Joshua Church so he’s technically an employee of Joshua. He also runs a private counseling service in both Texas and Washington state at three websites: http://www.providence-counseling.com/index.html, https://www.austinsportpsyc.com/, http://www.seattlesportspsychology.com/About-Dr--Chidester.html. James attends all pastor retreats and when he is gone for those meetings, the Network reimburses him for lost appointments from his private counseling business. Pastors and wives are also sent to James in Austin for counseling and he may now conduct sessions virtually. Given his role on the NLT and his salary being sourced from Network funds, there may be a conflict of interest.
These five NLT men provide leadership, oversight, and direction for all Network churches. They play an integral role in the Network as all beliefs and practices flow from this group. Any statement to the contrary is counter to both the by-laws and historical practices.

I'm struggling with some guilt and second-guessing myself after a fresh breakup about our stance on kids.
I (32F) had been happily dating someone (36M). We met online, where my profile states "Does not want kids". On our first date HE brought it up, and even said "I don't think I want kids". I was relieved and expressed that I do not want to be a mother.
He recently initiated a conversation about our future, leading with the revelation that he not only wants kids, it's his purpose in life (it came to him in a recent mushroom trip) and he would go as far as to pursue adoption as a single father if he ends up single. The second he uttered the words if felt like the blood drained from my body. Apparently he thought I was ambivalent about kids this entire time. I had a very negative reaction.
We've since had a mature follow-up conversation where I apologized for being reactive but told him I stand by what I said. Today I'm questioning everything, but it's because I miss him. We agreed that we argued more about the hypothetical logistics of children, but it still stands that we want different things in life.
You hear about certain women -"I didn’t think I wanted kids until I met my partner, now we have to agree on how many we want!". Is that just confirmation bias? I have this feeling that me not being maternal means I'm cold and self-sabotaging of relationships. But the truth is I have never felt the urge for motherhood and I actually can't relate to people who want them. If feels like navigating life as a single woman would actually be easier if I wanted kids like everyone else seems to.

(Please bear with me. This is kind of a long story.)
I have an aunt from my dad’s side who I don’t really get along with. She says and does hurtful things to me. Let me give a few examples:

1. I was being bullied at work by my managers and coworkers, which unfortunately continued after I stood up to them and told my boss everything. When I told my aunt that, she said, “That’s why you don’t go tattle.” I felt like, by her saying that, she was telling me that it was my fault that I got bullied, or that I deserved it. I tried telling her that it wasn’t tattling, but she insisted it was and told me I “wasn’t gonna change the world.” That didn’t help at all. In fact, it just made me feel worse. She called me a tattletale and also a tittybaby. When I was telling her the story again one day, I got to the part where I was telling her about how I begged the assistant manager to go home, on the verge of tears, while two of my coworkers were yelling and swearing at me. At that point, she said, “That was being a tittybaby.”
   
2. One night, I was talking to her on the phone and I said that I was having pizza for dinner. Then she sarcastically said, “You can’t live off of pizza, Taylor.” I replied, “I know.” “Well just a couple of days ago, you were eating pizza.” I had pizza twice in a week. So what? What’s the big deal? And what’s it to her anyway? Why is it any of her business? Besides, I didn’t plan on it, it just kind of happened. Honestly, I felt insulted. That’s the best word I can use to describe it.
   
3. I told her my parents were going out of town for a camping trip on my birthday, and she said, “Oh, that was nice. They couldn’t have waited until after your birthday?” implying it was a crappy thing for them to do. I never thought of it that way until she said that, then I accepted it as true. Several days later, I told her that she wasn’t alone in feeling that way, because I told a couple other people about it and they agreed that sucked. Her response? “Taylor, quit whining about it. You’re 22 years old.” She said one thing and then she said something else that contradicted the first thing. I was confused. I didn’t think I was whining about it. It’s not like I told 50 other people about it, just two acquaintances, and the only reason I said that was because the subject of my birthday came up in conversation.
   
4. Sometimes, when I call her, she answers the phone with, “Yeah, Taylor?” in an annoyed tone. Y’know, in a way that sounds like I’m disturbing her from something she’d rather be doing. I feel like she might as well be saying, “What do you want?” or something like that.
   
5. She badmouthed my friend, essentially calling him a shitty, untrustworthy person, all because I told her he told me that a couple of the people we worked with called me retarded and one said to the other, “Hey, let’s bully Taylor into quitting.” Here’s the thing, though: she told me that my mom was a drug addict from the moment her parents died until her death a few years later. She had been struggling with depression and would ask around for pain medicine and, later on, money from family so she could buy it herself. Every few Saturday morning, my mom and I would go to Walmart really early in the morning. For the longest time, I thought I was just innocent motheson bonding time, but because of my aunt, I found out that the real reason behind that was so she could meet her dealer in private. My aunt knew all of that would hurt my feelings, but that didn’t stop her from telling me about it. She argued, “What positives came out of him telling you that?” Well, what positives came out of me finding out that my mom was a drug addict? Hmm? Hypocrisy.
   Because of all this and more, I decided to go no contact with her. I thought that it would only be healthy for me to keep some distance from her. So from January until April this year, I didn’t reach out to her at all. A month or so into this, I even blocked her number. And honestly? It was relieving and peaceful, like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
   April rolls around and, on a Friday, her husband (my uncle) tries to call me, but I don’t answer because I’m at work. Two days later, I called him back, and he answered. My aunt was talking in the background. Immediately, she confronted me about how she hadn’t heard from me in months, saying that it was wrong and very immature of me to do that and that I can’t just cut people out of my life because they said or did something that I didn’t agree with or pissed me off. Especially family. I told her about a couple of the grievances that I had with her and we got into a heated argument.
   According to her, when she said, “That’s why you don’t tattle,” what she was trying to convey was that there’s repercussions around everything that you do. In other words, actions have consequences. She could punch all of those people in the face because of how they treated me, she would. I asked her if she would say the same thing to a child that continues to get bullied after they told the teacher about it and she said that a child that school and an adult at work are two different scenarios. When you’re an adult and it’s your job, you have to weigh things out and be very careful about what you tell your boss because most of the time, it will backfire and you will get treated worse. And I warned you about this, yet you still did it, so that’s part of the reason why I called you a tattletale, because I was upset and frustrated that you did something opposite of what I said.
   She never said that to me. I don’t remember that AT ALL. I feel gaslighted.
   Her other defense for her using the words tattletale and tittybaby was that I was talking about something that we had already talked about, so her patience was running thin. Then she at least should’ve said, “Taylor, you’re being a titty baby right now,” that way, I would’ve known that she was calling me a titty baby in the present moment and not because of how I acted in the past. But ofc, she still would have been calling me a name. (Btw, I looked up the definition of titty baby, and it means someone who is unusually whiny, timid, or cowardly.)
   The reason why she told me to quit “whining” about my parents going out of town on my birthday was, again, that I was talking about an already-discussed thing and she was just in a bad mood and having a bad day.
   The conversation didn’t go well and we had to end it. An hour later, she sent me a long text message saying that her emotions are raw and her feelings are so hurt. I come to find out that these past few months have been pretty rough on her because her son had a heart attack and almost died and had to spend weeks in the hospital. She felt like she deserved an apology because in that time that I went no contact with her, I could have been at the hospital with her. She said that it’s never her intention to hurt my feelings and that if she did she was sorry. She’s always loved me like one of her own children and how other people treat me are her foremost worry.
   Later, I discovered that she tried to call me and left a voicemail a week before.
   

“Well hey, Taylor. This is your long lost aunt and I was just wondering that I guess I must’ve really said something or didn’t agree with you about something for you to totally shun me for the last couple months. Russell had a heart attack and almost died and things have gone on, yet you haven’t reached out or nothing with me. I love you, but I find it weird. Bye.”
Lemme also note that I’ve tried talking to her about these things and how they made me feel before, but those conversations didn’t really go anywhere. She justified them.
AITAH?
[TL;DR I kept distance from my aunt for a months-long period because she said and did hurtful things to me on multiple occasions and she got upset about it.]

Inspired by kinda opposite question on arrAskALiberal "Do you think the right has a point that there are not enough babies being born?"
It seems to me that, at least on arrAskALiberal, the most common notion there is that we are actually overpopulating the planet and birth rates below replacement rate (2.1 births per female) are desirable outcome.
Concerns about the economy are met with sayings like "Less people means more resources for everyone" or "It only makes sense to reorganize the economy now while it's still relatively easy to account for that".

DISCLAIMER: I did not transcribe this myself, though I could. I had a machine do it, and then the machine threw up afterwards -- but I did go through and add some bullety points while Jamie shot off her mouth. It's a total word salad, but one has only to skim through and see the number of ways she yawns and yawps and contradicts herself ... and does not take a breath, so there is very little punctuation. Again it's a run-on slog and the AI program chose to only use periods to end 70-some sentences because of all the run-on "like ... you know ... and ... but" instances as she ran with it -- with NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOVER. I did take out the kids' names, and I did search-and-replace all instances of "to" with "tuh" because that IS how they talk!
ENJOY -- and I use that word lightly:
AND SO IT BEGINS WITH Doug wishing Happy Mother's Day … and immediately Jamie corrects him, "Well, not really Mother's Day …" since they are recording after Mother's Day. Got get those Doug corrections in toot sweet, lest he thinks he has a mind of his own.
They note they tend to be "a little late on things," but they are "trying to get better about that." Doug says they had a fantastic Mother's Day, and he asked her if she had a good time. She said she had a great time. Doug wrote Happy Mother's Day on some cards and the kids drew on them. He gave her an eyelash waxing and noted probably a bad idea. She said it wasn't that she wasn't thrilled as she did mention that pregnancy makes her eyebrows bushy, but she was scared, maybe just mentioned she'd need to tweeze, but oh, well, yes, she likes his gift.
Jamie noted that it was "just the four of us" and of course, the babies in her belly, and that was fine with her – until her son's birthday of course, when she noted that their entire families suck!
So onto her son's birthdays and THESE GEMS AND THOUGHTS: I think it's just pregnancy hormones, but honestly, like, I just, I just can't, like, I don't know why, like, I guess, like, you know, ever since I was little, I've always really, really wanted family, like, so badly, like, I wanted just, like, deep connections with people who truly love me, and I truly love them, and we just really, truly support each other, and just, I don't know, I think, like, just pregnancy hormones made me think about it, but, like, yesterday for Son's birthday, and just family members who just completely forgot, and they just don't care, and I'm like, is it me? Is it him?
Like, and I don't want my son tuh grow, like, he doesn't know, and he'll never know, because I'll make sure, I mean, I spent every second, that boy had no second tuh think yesterday, like, I picked him up from school, and I took him tuh the library, because that's where he wanted tuh go, and then we, like, you know, we really love surprises in this family, if that's not clear by now, and so Daughter and I surprised him with a splash pad, like, we went tuh the splash pad for the first time, and we never do things like that on a school night, and so, and then he got tuh go pick out a cake that he wanted, and then Doug had dinner already at home, and then also we had decorations in his bedroom, which I was, like, hoping tuh have for the morning, but then Doug was, like, at, like, midnight, when we're, like, thinking about starting tuh blow up the balloons, Doug is like, Jamie, let's just surprise him tomorrow after school.

(Notice she takes no breath … and also they were super-last minute when it came tuh getting ready for his birthday, versus, what we have all mentioned, that isn't so when it's a gender reveal or a party or pickleball or something FOR HER.)
HERE, DOUG ASKS … "WHY, ARE WE GONNA DO THIS NOW?" AND THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST EFFORT HE MADE tuh STOP HER BECAUSE SHE WENT ON WITH: Yeah, because it was so late, but I was like, I just have, like, this vision that I just wanted for him, because, you know, I'm just trying tuh give them the childhood that, like, I would have wanted, that any little kid would want, and really all that involves is truly just two loving parents who are there, and, like, that's really all that really involves, but if I can go a little extra, you know, and surprise him, and I, then I want to, you know, and so, you know.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE DOESN'T THINK THEY KNOW ANY DIFFERENT, AND HE CONTINUES WITH: I don't think they really know any different, you know, and I know, I know it's, it's tough, and I think, especially with, like, little kids, you know, they, they won't necessarily feel the impact and that want, you know, and, and I know that you do, and it, it hurts me that, you know, you would, you would want people tuh care enough to, tuh reach out, and I think, you know, for, for me, I, that's, I don't really set my expectations or, or give those expectations tuh son and daughter.
JAMIE BLASTS BACK, SUPER-DEFENSIVELY: Oh, I do not either, though. I do not at all. I don't say a thing tuh them about anything, because, you know, sometimes people miss their – you know, and that happens sometimes, but when it's, like, over, and over, and over again, and, like, it's just so obvious, and, and people ask us why we moved tuh Florida, and don't we want tuh be near family, and, you know, tuh be very honest, this is why.
Like, we, you know, I, we would fly up there tuh try tuh prove, like, hey, listen, we're not just trying tuh leave, though. Like, we, we, I want that family connection so badly with your family, with my family, and it's just, you know, unfortunately, it's, people are in different stages of life. I try tuh make excuses, like, for them, and, you know, for us, and it's probably not personal, but the point of the matter is, is that whether it's not personal, and people are busy, and whatever the case may be, we don't have that family connection.
We just don't, and I'm, I try tuh nurture it, and, um, you know, and we do with some family members, and then just others, you know, you just, it's just. Well, you can't help but be disappointed. Yeah, and, like, I guess my heart hurts, because I want our son, and our daughter, and our children tuh have just so many people who love them, and want tuh be around them, and who will encourage them, and support them, and.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE THINKS FAMILY KNOW ALL OF THIS AND THAT THEY, THE KIDS KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEM, AND ALL THE EFFORTS THEY PUT FORTH, AND HERE HE SAYS, "Especially you," AND THAT ALL OF THIS IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Yeah, I know, but Doug, what I'm trying tuh say is that, like, what I would want for them is them tuh have many people who love them, and, like, you know, like, I always wanted, you know, it's not even a secret, like, way back, I'm married at first, like, the one thing I wanted was tuh marry into a family, like, a big loving family that would welcome me as their own, and, and I'm really thankful for your family, and, yeah, but, like, I just feel like, like, I want that for our kids. Like, I wanted them tuh have people who loved them, who wanted tuh come around them.
Like, my, my siblings and I really didn't have many aunts or uncles or grandparents who, I mean, you know, it's kind of, it's so long, because, like, there are some people who were there, but it was, like, toxic, and aye, aye, aye, it's just, you know, it's just, at the end of the day, I'm pregnant, and it's just hormones, and I know our kids feel nothing but loved, but it's just really evident, like, on a birthday or holidays, like, people who, who actually, like, family who actually truly cares for us, and, like, all I've ever wanted was just our, like, I, I don't know why I care about these people caring about me, when, like, they don't care, and it's okay, and that's, that's, it's okay.
Like, it, I'm trying so hard tuh just be, like, accept it, girl. Like, you know, you can't force family tuh love you.
JAMIE TRIES TO DIFFUSE THE TIMEBOMB SITUATION THAT IS HIS WIFE, CLEARLY GOING OFF ON EVERYBODY BY SAYING HE KNOWS THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS FOR THEM BUT THAT THEY, THE KIDS, DON'T EVEN NOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Well, I know they don't, and so, at the end of the day, I was, like, sitting in bed crying earlier, and I was, like, what is wrong with me, because I know my son had a great birthday yesterday. Like, I made sure of it.
DOUG NOTES SHE "KILLED IT, YESTERDAY."
JAMIE BLASTS ON: At the end of the day, I think, like, it's a personal thing, because it's, like, they don't care about me, and therefore, they don't care about my son, and that hurts, you know? Like, it's just hurtful, and not, because I care about them, and I love them, and I've tried so hard tuh be part of them, and, and try to, like, I've tried changing my ways. I've tried tuh adapt tuh be more like them.
I've tried all these different things. At the end of the day, nothing I do, like, I may as well just be myself, and, and, because if I have tried tuh be like them, they don't like me. If I try tuh be myself, they don't like me.
Like, no matter what, like, I don't feel like, I feel like they're, I'm just kind of judged by them in the way that I live my life, and anyways, it's fine, but.
DOUG COUNTERS IT WITH THE FACT THAT JAMIE GOES "ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR EVERYBODY," AND THAT IT'S TOUGH THAT SHE "WANTS OR EXPECTS THAT IN RETURN," BUT NOTES THAT THIS IS ALSO MAYBE WHERE THE "BOUNDARIES" LIE … cool, they now have a title for the podcast!
JAMIE CONTINUES tuh BLAST: Well, no, of course, and this is exactly why I'm also crying happy tears, because for so long, I just really tried tuh nurture, like, a true, like, true family, and deep connection, and like, try tuh be, like, really close, and, and it's like, well, if you're the only person nurturing that, you're bound tuh get hurt. It's bound, it's not going tuh happen ever, because it has tuh be a two-way street, and so, unfortunately, like, I started putting up boundaries, and I knew it was going tuh hurt, and like, here it is. It's, it's hurting, you know, like, and then inevitably, they'll be like, you know, you moved tuh Florida, but even when we didn't live in Florida, let's be honest, like, we didn't see family very often, unless, like, it was, it just, unless it was us going places, and then even when we moved here, I would fly up there.
I flew up, we were flying up there, like, once a month. It was so expensive. It was so taxing, but I just wanted to, tuh kind of prove, hey, listen, like, but, you know, I'm so glad we moved here, because at the end of the day, you know, even if we never even find our own people, like, our focus is on our core family, like, we had zero distractions for Son yesterday, like, his birthday was the hundred, like, and it's just, that feels good, because normally, we wouldn't have that. Yeah, normally, I would be cleaning the house, trying tuh prep for people tuh come over, who I would have called 10 times, make sure they remember that he's coming, and it's like, or that his birthday is coming, and it's like, it's just, you know, this is such a vulnerable, I don't even know if I want tuh share any of this, because it's just so personal, but.
DOUG NOTES THAT ALL REFLECTS MORE ABOUT OTHERS AND NOT AN ATTACK ON JAMIE.
AND YET JAMIE CONTINUES TO DEFLECT AND ATTACK: No, I don't think it is either, but it's just very evident where people, like, if people care about us and our family, I don't think they actually, that's the thing, is they don't, like, and so, they're not thinking about it one way or the other, it doesn't even matter tuh them, and that's what hurts, because I wish that they cared about us the way that we cared about them, but they don't, and so, that's why I'm trying tuh have the boundaries tuh be like, find people who will care about you then, or just focus on your own family, and if people wonder why I want so many kids, well, there you go. People constantly say, why don't you love the two you have?
Oh, of course I do, and I'll tell you what, I want tuh have 10 more, because I want tuh raise them in a way where we love each other, we're always there for each other, we don't forget. It's just silly little milestones, it's not about presents, it's not about anything other than just love, and remembrance, and just, like, celebrating each other, and I am going tuh raise my kids tuh just really love each other, and tuh know that their parents love them, but God forbid, one of us are taken, and then, then it's like, I think about things like that, and I'm like, who do they have if they don't have us? Like, seriously, and that scares the crap out of me, because there are very few people who even remember, like, and tuh me, it's just a birthday, I know, it doesn't really matter, but like, that's of significance tuh that child, and people just don't care, like, they just, our fam, so many of our family members just don't care. Well, we make, we make it, and then I'm like, am I making a mountain out of a molehill, but like, and am I?
DOUG ALSO THINKS ABOUT THEM "DEPARTING EARLY" AND WHAT HAPPENS tuh THEM.
JAMIE BUSTS BACK IN, AND STARTS tuh TALK ABOUT "ESTATE PLANNING," WHICH SORT OF MADE ME SIDEYE BECAUSE SHE GOES ON tuh TALK ABOUT THE KIDS AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM, AS IF THEY WERE PART OF THE "ESTATE," BUT I GUESS SINCE THEY ARE THE MONEYMAKERS SHE THINKS OF IT MORE IN THAT WAY THAN GUARDIANSHIP PAPERWORK … AND SO SHE CONTINUES: Well, when you think about estate planning, and then who you're leaving your kids to, and I'm like, who can I leave my kids to, who are really going tuh love them, and the people right now didn't even call tuh wish him happy birthday, they didn't even call tuh wish him a happy birthday, they didn't send a gift, and it's not even about the gift, but it's about the thought, who do we have in our life, Doug? I don't think it's, you know, I ask if I think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but then I, like, I almost, like, talk, like, convince myself that, no, I'm not, like, I'm really trying tuh make sure that our kids are taken, like, loved and taken care of, and sure, we've got it out, down pat, but what happens, like, then what?
And like, I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole, and I'm sure this is all pregnancy hormones, and I'm just exhausted and tired, so, but I just think about these things, and then, and then people wonder why I am so thankful for our followers, for those of you listening tuh the podcast, and those of you who follow us on Instagram and YouTube, and who are just excited for us, because a lot of our own family members aren't, like, it's just wild, and so, yeah, and so thank you for those of you listening, and for those of you who comment, and just, you know, just are excited to, like, like, tuh be part of our family, like, because we have forever been looking for that, and, like, our family's just not that interested, and we could try, and try, and try.
DOUG: Out of sight, out of mind.
JAMIE BINGOS!!!!! THAT THOUGHT AND CONTINUES: Yeah, it's, and it's fine, but I'll tell you what, I genuinely do appreciate every single five-star review, every single, like, nudge that you just, every single moment that you take out of your life just tuh be like, hey, what's up with Jamie, you know, and that's why I try tuh do giveaways, and I try to, you know, like, read your five-star reviews, and I try tuh show you that I genuinely care about you, too, because I really think that it is a two-way street with everything in life, like, so whether it's, you know, family, it's friends, it's working, it's, we're colleagues, like, if someone is showing you a lot of, you know, any support, or encouragement, or care, like, then that's the person that you should then go show love, support, and encouragement, and care to, whether they're family or not, and unfortunately, if family doesn't seem tuh show you that, well, then you do have tuh set up boundaries, and it hurts, like, h-e-l-l, because then you'll start to, when you stop reaching out as much, well, then you'll start seeing that your relationship becomes even more distant, but you can't constantly break your back tuh try tuh make relationships.
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY EITHER STEP UP OR DON'T, AND THAT’S WHERE IT LANDS.
JAMIE CONTINUES: Yeah, but from what, from my experience, from what we've experienced, you know, no one really steps up, and it's pretty evident when you start, when you realize you have tuh make a boundary with a person, like, just know in your heart that it's gonna hurt, like, you know, and I'm sure that we're, I'm not the only person going through this, and that's, I think, why it's important tuh share, is that, you know, because it's hard tuh share these things.
It's embarrassing. It's, I feel, it's almost, like, belittling. It's like, like, you know, it's like you're, you're sharing that you're rejected, essentially.
Who wants tuh share that? Like, who wants tuh admit that? But the truth is, is that we all have been there, and so I think that the biggest way tuh heal, and what I've learned is, of course, tuh find, to, like, lean in on the people who don't, like, desert you, betray you, talk behind your back.
I mean, that's the thing, is people who also, who are there, but they're really, like, kind of a snake in disguise, and, like, it's, like, like, they, it seems like they're there for you, but then behind, but you're walking on eggshells around them, because you know that they're saying things behind your back, and that's not, that's not healthy either, and so what I've really tried tuh do is really just focus on people that have really just been loving and nurturing, and the more people are loving and nurturing tuh me, whether they're family or not, the more I will lead, like, reach into them, and...
DOUG BUSTS IN TO TAKE A "QUICK PAUSE" FOR AN AD, IRONICALLY ABOUT INVESTING AND GOOD FINANCIAL HYGEINE.
JAMIE GETS RIGHT BACK TO IT: Of course, holidays and birthdays are tough because like you want like my mom like I mean forget it but like I love her and she's doing the best she can but like you know it's like I don't know I guess it's because I'm pregnant and then like when you become a mom and you just think about this relationship and it's like I just have always wanted that relationship with my mom and of course I know real like logically it's not gonna happen but anyways it's um it's just hard but anyways what I was trying tuh say tuh you though listening is like if you're going through this type of situation like just know that you're doing the right thing by kind of putting the boundaries up and then kind of you know you got tuh focus on gratitude more than anything else and so I consistently try tuh remind myself tuh be thankful that I am alive I'm able tuh be there for my kids my son has no idea who remembered and who forgot his birthday but of course he knows who he talked tuh but like you know I, I know that he had the most spectacular day yesterday and I made darn well sure of it and it literally cost me like zero dollars tuh it's not like it has tuh be expensive it wasn't extravagant we went tuh the library which is free and then we went tuh a free splash pad that's in our city and slash playground yeah, yeah and he had a great time so it's like people it's because the other thing people say well if you can afford tuh give them that it's like it doesn't you can find ways tuh live tuh like really bless your family and your kids without having tuh spend boatloads of money um but the biggest message and takeaway of this all and I guess of like I we never planned on sharing any of this we were planning on sharing about mother's day and
DOUG DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT tuh SAY, BUT SHE NEEDS tuh KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH …
SHE THANKS HIM QUICKLY AND THEN GETS ON WITH HIS always getting by my side and like when I'm thankful for you when I started you know going tuh therapy and, and I mean forever ago I'm telling you forever ago when we were first married and I first started going tuh a therapist outside of married at first sight she told me she looked me in the eyes and she said Jamie like they might be family but they're not your people and you gotta go find your people and I didn't want tuh believe her I didn't want I literally just said you know thanks but no thanks essentially and I'm gonna try my best tuh turn this family into mine because I want this connection and I want this and I wish I could have saved myself all those years by just listening tuh her and you know finding my own people who, who do love and support me for who I am who I don't have tuh like I can just don't have tuh walk on eggshells I don't have tuh try tuh be anybody else I can just be myself and they'll see like the good in that and they'll like it you know and, and not everyone's for everyone and that's okay and I just try tuh remind myself that but anyways um yeah you've always stood by my side so thank you I see you I'll always be by your side I just like sometimes doubt like if like you know like, like, like what have I done like am I a bad person like did I like what have I done this has nothing
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY'D FIND PEOPLE "DOWN HERE" IN FLORIDA, AND THAT THEY BOTH KNEW IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, THAT REALLY MEANINGFUL BONDS TAKE TIME, BUT THEY ARE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE POSITION TO BUILD A COMMUNITY AND MAKE STRONG FRIENDS THEY CONSIDER TO BE FAMILY, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND THERE ARE KIDS TOO, AND THEY CAN WATCH EVERYONE GROW UP TOGETHER … AND HE THINKS, "That's kind of the point of, of moving tuh Florida find community find our people and also find out you know who would be there with us and for us and …"
JAMIE BLASTS BACK: It has nothing tuh do with you or who you are well the truth is, is obviously it does because these people don't enjoy being around me so then therefore they don't enjoy remembering our kids and or me whatever I guess I think I'm just really hormonal and emotional but I guess I just feel incredibly rejected and like I've done something wrong but I also know at the same exact breath that this has been happening for years and years and years where I've really
DOUG NOTES JAMIE HAS "TRIED SO HARD" AND THAT IT'S NOTHING THAT SHE DID.
JAMIE BLATHERS BACK THAT IT'S NOT REALLY THAT THEY'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG, BUT … we just don't jive and I guess you know we have different we're different people and we can't force it yeah and so there's very little control that we have over it other than us being us yeah and so but you know but I guess this is like the healing part that everyone talks about with boundaries that's so painful like it's so painful because when you want something so bad and like I think it's like wired in me because it's family and like I really want tuh support family and love family and be there for them and but then it's like but it's just not there in return and you could just spend your whole life searching for it and or you could kind of put up a boundary and, and stop allowing that tuh continue tuh hurt you and find people who are genuinely happy tuh be around you and so needless tuh say for those of you listening if - if you're in this boat with someone whether it's parents siblings aunts uncles cousins I don't know or even long-time friends who you think are quote-unquote friends but you know things change or who knows I mean it's so darn hurtful but I really believe at the end of the day that I mean I was I spent years and years and years trying my darnedest and now I'm like if I, If I could give like an inkling of that effort tuh someone who gives an inkling of the effort back tuh me like the just the joy and happiness that could come from that or just like the stability and also like I did try changing myself tuh kind of be more like them tuh have more in common with them and it just I can tell you right now if you're trying tuh do that that's not gonna work either like it's hard unfortunately you just gotta be yourself in this world you gotta love with your whole heart and, and be selfless you know you can't expect people tuh just care about you if you don't care about them of course you gotta show up for people you gotta really like put yourself out there for them but if you consistently do that and you're not getting any of it in return you gotta change your path and it's the hardest thing in the world tuh do but you know tuh be very, very honest like going tuh bed with Doug last night after Son's birthday and like just everything that went down and whatnot I was just like and this is why we live in Florida this is why we moved here because this this served our core family more so than trying tuh fit a round peg into a square everyone else's schedule and everybody else's lives it's just you know and it's and I'm incredibly thankful tuh your sister and tuh your mom and your dad of course because they did reach out and that's just really, really kind like they called and they just show that they really care and that really means the whole wide world tuh me and like regardless of what they think of me like they love our kids and that's really all that
DOUG NOTES WHAT MATTERS IS-AND MAYBE THEY NEED TO BELIEVE IN SOME KIND OF "HIGHER PURPOSE," BUT HE DOESN'T CONSIDER IT ALL "WASTED TIME OR ENERGY," AND THAT IT MAYBE HAPPENED THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AND FOR JAMIE TO GIVE …
AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF TO SAY THAT THIS MESSAGE CAN help others. I've really kind of like avoided being this vulnerable lately because I feel like there are some people who just really don't like me and it's been brought tuh my attention and just no matter what I do they really don't like me and I guess like everybody has quote-unquote haters but it hurts my heart a little bit and I don't know but, but the truth is, is like just like I said before what I learned in this the certain boundaries that I've talked about before is that you really can't change who you are in the hopes that people will start tuh approve of you because they're never like the people who just choose that they don't like you and they just choose tuh find your faults will always like they will always see your faults and they will always yeah there's no convincing them otherwise and that's and if you're listening tuh this like this is the truth for all of us is that when you're looking for the good in life you're gonna find the good and you can focus on that and try tuh get like more of that and garner more of that but if you're focused on the negative whether it's in life or with your spouse or with a friend or at the workplace you're gonna find that and so if so sometimes if you've you know if you see that you're consistently feeling like you have quote-unquote bad luck or that this person's being wrong tuh you or they're not caring about you will try tuh think about the good that they do and, and, and so truly like for me with these whole boundary things like I've tried just I tried tuh kind of I've already tried that with some of these family members that just don't seem tuh care and um and, and so that's and then that's when the hurt comes is you know when you realize oh yeah you're actually all right and you are onto something and for whatever reason their life isn't aligning with yours and it's and that's okay but it doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt a little bit for the person who like wants it tuh be there but that's when you go out and find someone who wants tuh align their life with you or maybe their life already aligns and they just and you can serve each other you can love each other you can be there for each other and whether it's blood related or not like that will serve you better in life and so that's kind of where I think Doug and I are right now um but also for, for you listening if, if you're just finding yourself in this situation too just try tuh make sure you're not just trying tuh find the fault in someone because you don't want tuh get caught in that rabbit hole and there are people out there who just want tuh find the negative and then there are people out there who cut that down like don't allow that tuh happen tuh yourself because you will be miserable your whole life hating on someone else and just constantly finding their faults and constantly complaining about them is never going tuh bring you true happiness it really isn't and so think about you know yourself and like what you can do differently and try tuh bring the positive and so yeah I haven't been as vulnerable lately because it's been hard tuh be very honest tuh just share like my heart and then people are just going tuh attack me for it you know I'm sure but um but my goal in sharing this if we end up sharing this is that it helps the one person out there or I'm sure several really who are in the same exact boat who are you know trying tuh keep a friend that they've had forever but that friend's just not there or trying tuh maintain a relationship with one of your parents or your siblings or it shouldn't be hard it shouldn't be and you shouldn't have tuh change who you are and if you do then that's really just not the right person for you and, and you can talk tuh them about it of course and then if they're just combative, at the end of the day, I just say the best advice is find a therapist, and this book called Boundaries, and it's a little religious, and also a little kind of like, whoa, but I'm telling you, Chapter One, just give it – if you don’t' like it after that, don't even try, but like Chapter One, I was like, wow, I can see so much of myself in this, and I can see how could change, and I've got tuh promise you that it's been hurt along the way, but I have – we have, and our family has more positive days now than stressful, trying tuh like pull people in who don't really want tuh be there, trying tuh help them remember because they're gonna forget, like it's just – like yesterday was like the least stressful day ever, and we didn't have one person coming tuh our – or even Mother's Day, it was just us four, and you know, before I had kids, and I think – I saw someone else write this, but like before I had kids, I looked at the world as like everyone I encountered, and how can I be helpful tuh them, and that – like, but now it's like my world is my husband and my children. My world is within my four walls, and how do I love them and support them the best that I possible can, tuh help them become good – eventually like good husbands, a good wife, good mothers, good fathers, and good, good family members, and so …
DOUG IS SO PROUD OF HER AND THINKS SHE SHOULD ALSO BE PROUD OF HERSELF BECAUSE OF "HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN FROM PEOPLE STARTING TO COMMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, AND YOU TRYING TO BRING THEM BACK OVER TO YOUR SIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE TOXICITY OF IT, AND SETTING BOUNDARIES." HE HAS TO TELL HER THAT IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, SHE HAS "SPREAD MORE POSITIVITY, IN MY MIND, THAN ANYBODY, FOCUSING ON BEING THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL," AND A MESSAGE SHE IS PASSING ONTO THE KIDS WHO ARE REALLY STARTING tuh THINK ABOUT IT AND FOCUS ON IT, AND IT'S "DRIVEN BY YOU."
MORE RASPY WHINY TEARY VOICE: Oh, Gosh, Doug's that's the nicest comment that I could have ever received because I really want that for them … yeah, because I – because we could all fall into that where you see the negative and you just kind of focus on that, and I'm trying so hard not to, and tuh just – you know, pray more, and even meditate, and that has nothing tuh do with prayer, but like just rewire my brain tuh like the positive things and finding the positive and helping others, also because – honestly, and I want tuh raise my kid where they are not seeing the negative, they're seeing the positive in situations because life, regardless of who loves you, how much money you have, what home you live in, what car you drive, life is so much better when you're able tuh see the positive and you're able to, like lean into that more, and you're able tuh then attract people who are like that, and the Negative Nellies are just going tuh always be there talking their smack about you, and that's fine, but like, if you can find the positive, you can focus on that, and you're going tuh have such a happier life, and the Negative Nellies, unfortunately, like I still pray for them, I still hope for them, because it's sad – like they're not living a happy life. You can't be a hater tuh all these people and be happy. It's sad.
DOUG THINKS THEY ARE "living proof of it, because once we started tuh focus on happy, once we started focusing on being thankful and grateful, the people that we attracted are the people that we would want tuh be with … didn't happen overnight, but as soon as we started tuh rethink that, and really try tuh be positive and do positive things, and our prayers and with the kids and being thankful and finding good, and gratitude, you know, we attracted people into our lives that, you know, are going tuh be there – I mean, I feel these are now lifelong friends, and you know, all of that was attracted, and there has got tuh be something tuh that."
THE END, THEY MUST GO PICK UP THEIR DAUGHTER BUT ONLY AFTER THE FIVE-STAR REVIEW AND THEN "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"
DELUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSIONAL – THE BOTH OF THEM! And according to the AI program Jamie talks more than 90 percent of the time, and Dud, hardly ever.

I am a 13 year old and female from the Philippines, no I do not find anti-social disorder cool and mysterious, no I do not crave attention, and no I am not one of those anime kids who think they’re real life characters. I am asking this cause I am concerned for myself, please do not judge these are all my unfiltered thoughts and feelings. Firstly, I feel no guilt or empathy what so ever, I imagine my mom dying I don’t feel an ounce of sadness, or any relative for that matter. I’ve stolen before I was caught not by the store but my cousins who told on me, my parents gave me a lecture, about the poor employees having to pay for that, I didin’t give a damn nor did I feel sorry for them. I’ve been in relationships wherein I just want to hurt the person I’m in a relationship with, I’ve done things like replace them with their friend, ignore them then suddenly be all lovey dovey, and other stuff that can hurt someone’s feelings, I’m aware kids my age shouldn’t be going into relationships. Also, I’ve been intimate before (I’m still a virgin) things like making out, petting, just all that with 2 different people, my classmate and my 15 yearold ex boyfriend, when my parents found out both of them cried, I tried to care, trust me I really did, but nothing I still felt nothing just blank. I know it’s selfish and disgusting, but I think the only person I truly cared for was my 14 yearold ex, he left me, he was scared of my parents, but during our time together I still cheated with no remorse. To add to that, I’ve ran away from home about 4 times now, and I still constatly think of doing it again. My mother crying has no effect on me, my baby brother in pain has no effect, my dad’s despair for me to change also has no effect on me. It’s not that I’m all bad, I simply don’t feel any guilt for anything I do, to put it simply I don’t care about anything or anyone. I want to fix this, I wanna feel normal, I wanna stop the constant thought that I am the best, that everyone except me is stupid. I’ve done therapy before but it doesnt seem to work, I always end up thinking that the therapist is just some dumb person blabbing cause it’s their job. Don’t get me wrong I can still function as a normal person in society but it’s all an act, I am charming and funny to my friends, classmates and everyone except family and those who I do not want to please. I’m evil as my dad says, I wanna fix this, I wanna become better, I’m aware of how bad I am, I don’t wanna use anti social disorder as an excuse, I just wanna find ways to be better and I wanna be able to feel guilt or genuine concern for those around me.
( I am not proud of anything I have done here, I shared it to show you just how twisted the way I think is and I know it’s disgusting )

My (25f) bf (28M) of soon three years can only get off from oral or handjobs, and he cant keep it hard for piv. He is the second man I have been with. Our relationship is turbulent but we are deeply in love, somewhat codependent. A few months before we met I had been SA’d by a man with a large member, it was traumatising and I had suppressed much of it. In the early days of our relationship, my bf asked me if he was big and I wasn’t able to answer the question to his satisfaction. He then asked if I was bigger than the previous guy (who he had met once), and I answered “I think so”. This angered him as he has previously been complimented immediately by other girls for his size. I have had a conservative religious upbringing with a lot of shame around sex and sexuality, as well as only 1 previous sexual male partner, and multiple SAs, I am openly bi but generally not very experienced especially with men and am several years behind my age in maturity when it comes to navigating hetero relationships). he believes my hesitation and my lack of sincere validation about his size is a sign that he is not enough for me or that I think he is small. My only other PIV experience was with a man significantly smaller. This has been a recurring argument for 2 years and it even reached a point where he suggested I ask the guy who SA’d me for his nudes because to my bf my words were clearly not consistent and I was not being believable. I did it out of desperation to reassure my bf so I could prove the size difference was negligible and finish the discussion. Upon seeing the pics I realised actually my bf is a lot bigger. He disagrees based on the pictures but I know the truth based on memory (that I have been forced to relive again and again). So he is still is convinced that I have been lying all along, that I am consistently coming up with new lies to keep his ego safe, and that my reality is that I secretly want bigger. He has developed body dismorphia because of this. He does not understand how the initial context of my life at the time could have led me to not being able to validate him. In the two years I have learned that yes I definitely have been brainwashed by society to not know what is average and what is big and have a warped view through porn and media. But ultimately I only want to be with him, he is everything to me, and I have never been occupied about the size and I am not a size queen. I feel bad but now it is two years of the same recurring argument, all stemming from me not doing what other girls did and my failure of saying “wow so big” at first. He has taught me and made me aware that objectively that he is in the 95th percentile+, but he still thinks I do not validate him in a believeable way. he is in therapy for this and on medication for OCD thoughts and he has since then just asked that I do not bring it up and just leave him to deal with it, but when I told him I want him to understand that this has been difficult for me to relieve the original SA and not be believed, he says that it doesn’t compare to the anxiety I have created in his life as I have destroyed his relationship to his body. We have broken up once before but reconciled after a few months because he said he loves me more than anything and only wants to be with me. But now he puts a lot of pressure on the both of us during sex, both in terms of frequency and in quality , I can see he is stressing to perform and thinking about this issue and struggles to stay hard (unless I use my hands or mouth). Despite it being clear he is stressing, I am not allowed to bring it up since he just wants to deal with it alone. He has had experience with men, and women, and has enjoyed gay porn more than straight - although now we both do not watch porn. I am objectively a very very attractive woman, but due to little experience I do not know if it is “normal” for a bi/straight man to consistently only be able to get off to completion via hand or mouth, and that PIV is basically never enough to sustain an erection. I feel like I am missing the bigger picture, and am somewhat blinded by love. I think maybe all this is connected or relevant - I just do not know. He also does not take me out on dates because he says it is not how he shows love and this his sacrifice of moving to another country to be with me after we got back together, and working a temporary job way below his education level is enough of a sign of what he is sacrificing for me to be his woman. I am a ride or die wifey type so I can understand that logic, and I don’t necessarily want dates but maybe there is something I am not seeing?
TLDR: my (25f) bf (28m) can’t sustain erection or finish unless it’s oral or hand. he has developed body dysmorphia about his penis (very large) because of comments I made (read for context). he is therapy and on meds for ocd. i am bi and he has experimented with me. before, not sure if related. but now we are not able to discuss this, despite me hoping he will understand how my past SA is related to my comments. has toxic masculinity robbed men of being able to share their emotions, is trauma of penis size expectations this serious on men, and how can men learn to be emotionally vulnerable?

tldr 1 - im looking for any advice/ some reassuring/ validating/ seeing im not alone as im shitting bricks for my upcoming appointment following an abdominal mri months ago to rule anything out before possible surgery, and i have ptsd (which is heavily related to my fears about this appointment and possible surgery) , autism and quite probably some medical trauma.
longer version/ context - im 22 and have had every endo symptom in the book since my first period and obviously has gotten worse and worse over the years, ive been going to GPs since i was at least 13 for extreme period pain and have been put on many different meds including NSAIDS, birth control, all the usual and nothing has ever helped. i also have PTSD due to sexual assault and abuse trauma and ASD so they make me more nervous about appointments for obvious reasons. more recently i have been more insistent on something being wrong and that i need to be listened to and believed and investigations need to happen.
so i had another gynae referral to a male consultant at a private hospital, about october-ish last year. The appointment was extremely fast, i came in he said so you think you have endo and i said yes, he asked if i had pain during sex, painful bowel movements and that was basically all he asked about symptoms.
i said im on the evra patch birth control as i went to another consultant privately (it went horribly i wont go into detail) prescribed it to me and said i had no other choice and that i had to, i did not want to, i hate the hormones, but ive been on it for a year and a half and i bleed every single day since, and the pain is still there but i can function and work with the pain most days of the month so i continue to use it because without it i cannot work as the period pain is so horrendous. i tell him she did an ultrasound and all she said was that i have a retroverted uterus, (she tried to force me to do a pelvic exam but i explained prior that i have diagnosed PTSD and absolutely cannot let her do that she was horrible to me about it).
He asked if i have any other conditions and i said ive recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and said what medication im on. I forgot to mention i have autism as i was so scared and my brain just forgot it haha, i dont know if he has me medical record and already knew? but i did not mention it.
He then after those few questions that took maybe two minutes said he was ordering me an abdominal MRI, and depending on the results of that, that i may need a laparoscopy. I had the mri last year in december and my follow up appointment is on the 20th of may in a few days. I assume he will tell me the results of the mri and i have no idea what else.
Im terrified. for so many reasons, what will the mri show? what will it mean? what if he just says it showed nothing or something and i dont think its endo? what if he says i need surgery and then i get a date for the surgery and i have no fucking clue what it entails, what will happen, the process of it all? obviously i have been researchign and learning about endo since i was 16 but i am so scared of surgery and any internal things like pelvic exams, like what if i have to have one before the surgery? I know you have a bladder catheter for surgery i think? Will that HAVE to happen when im awake? that is almost out of the question for me i couldnt go through that. And i know you have to pee before you can leave after the surgery and if you cant they have to put the catheter back in and ill be awake i cannot cope with that, that thought terrrifies me to my bones. And im pretty sure while youre under they have to go in your vagina to move your cervix and uterus around to see around it am i correct? i know ill be unconscious but ill wake up knowing that that happened and that will be a triggering thing i am so scared to feel that way knowing that happened.
But ive wanted this surgery since i was 16 and i might need it? What if it comes to the surgery and its not endometriosis and it actually HAS been all in my head for the past ten years and im just sensitive or a baby who cant handle the pain everyone else can ignore. but i also know that some people have three surgeries before they find stage four endo was hiding there all this time and the doctors keot missing it and not looking correctly. I think the thought of it not being endo is the most awful thing that could ever come of this because then it will mean ive been wrong this whole time and i genuinely am just a wimp, i dont know how ill cope with that.
Im crying writing this im so scared and i dont know what to do. Im also scared that i will shut down during the appointment like last time and forget to ask the questions or he will make me feel small, im a nervous person with ptsd and obviously autism and male doctors terrify me, like what if he doesnt answer my questions or answers them in a way that doesnt make any sense or shrugs my concerns away. My best friend will be going with me so i am going to come up with all of my questions and write them down and give them to me and them incase i forget or am too scared. and what if i have to have the surgery but no one cares about my concerns. I realise i must have some sort of medical trauma from all the doctors who have laughed in my face over the years, crossed my boundaries and told me its all in my head and the pain is just something you have to live with or to have a baby at fucking 14 so it reduces the period cramps after having a baby, i know im not the only person in this subreddit who has been told that surely. I also feel like if i say yes (if i even get the choice) to the surgery im also saying yes to the possibility of them finding no endo (whether that’s because i don’t have it or they just don’t find any) and like i’ve said im terrified of that too, not because ill be ‘wrong’ im not scared of being wrong, just scared that it will have been ten years of going to the doctors and being dismissed for nothing, and will mean there is no answer for the pain i feel so it will feel like it really has been in my head this whole time and i just have to move on still in insane amounts of pain for the rest of my life with no solution.
FINAL TLDR :)
Im just asking for advice from people who have been through this process, and can help answer any questions, or reassure and affirm that my fears are valid and okay and i am in control of what happens to my body :(. And that i am strong and able to stand up for myself and advocate for myself. Im so bloody terrified i just want someone to hug me and hold my hand and tell me it is going to be okay. Im so sorry for this awfully long post i just dont know where else to turn to im so so afraid. If you read all this thank you so much :,( <3

My (25f) bf (28M) of soon three years can only get off from oral or handjobs, and he cant keep it hard for piv. He is the second man I have been with. Our relationship is turbulent but we are deeply in love, somewhat codependent. A few months before we met I had been SA’d by a man with a large member, it was traumatising and I had suppressed much of it. In the early days of our relationship, my bf asked me if he was big and I wasn’t able to answer the question to his satisfaction. He then asked if I was bigger than the previous guy (who he had met once), and I answered “I think so”. This angered him as he has previously been complimented immediately by other girls for his size. I have had a conservative religious upbringing with a lot of shame around sex and sexuality, as well as only 1 previous sexual male partner, and multiple SAs, I am openly bi but generally not very experienced especially with men and am several years behind my age in maturity when it comes to navigating hetero relationships). he believes my hesitation and my lack of sincere validation about his size is a sign that he is not enough for me or that I think he is small. My only other PIV experience was with a man significantly smaller. This has been a recurring argument for 2 years and it even reached a point where he suggested I ask the guy who SA’d me for his nudes because to my bf my words were clearly not consistent and I was not being believable. I did it out of desperation to reassure my bf so I could prove the size difference was negligible and finish the discussion. Upon seeing the pics I realised actually my bf is a lot bigger. He disagrees based on the pictures but I know the truth based on memory (that I have been forced to relive again and again). So he is still is convinced that I have been lying all along, that I am consistently coming up with new lies to keep his ego safe, and that my reality is that I secretly want bigger. He has developed body dismorphia because of this. He does not understand how the initial context of my life at the time could have led me to not being able to validate him. In the two years I have learned that yes I definitely have been brainwashed by society to not know what is average and what is big and have a warped view through porn and media. But ultimately I only want to be with him, he is everything to me, and I have never been occupied about the size and I am not a size queen. I feel bad but now it is two years of the same recurring argument, all stemming from me not doing what other girls did and my failure of saying “wow so big” at first. He has taught me and made me aware that objectively that he is in the 95th percentile+, but he still thinks I do not validate him in a believeable way. he is in therapy for this and on medication for OCD thoughts and he has since then just asked that I do not bring it up and just leave him to deal with it, but when I told him I want him to understand that this has been difficult for me to relieve the original SA and not be believed, he says that it doesn’t compare to the anxiety I have created in his life as I have destroyed his relationship to his body. We have broken up once before but reconciled after a few months because he said he loves me more than anything and only wants to be with me. But now he puts a lot of pressure on the both of us during sex, both in terms of frequency and in quality , I can see he is stressing to perform and thinking about this issue and struggles to stay hard (unless I use my hands or mouth). Despite it being clear he is stressing, I am not allowed to bring it up since he just wants to deal with it alone. He has had experience with men, and women, and has enjoyed gay porn more than straight - although now we both do not watch porn. I am objectively a very very attractive woman, but due to little experience I do not know if it is “normal” for a bi/straight man to consistently only be able to get off to completion via hand or mouth, and that PIV is basically never enough to sustain an erection. I feel like I am missing the bigger picture, and am somewhat blinded by love. I think maybe all this is connected or relevant - I just do not know. He also does not take me out on dates because he says it is not how he shows love and this his sacrifice of moving to another country to be with me after we got back together, and working a temporary job way below his education level is enough of a sign of what he is sacrificing for me to be his woman. I am a ride or die wifey type so I can understand that logic, and I don’t necessarily want dates but maybe there is something I am not seeing?
TLDR: my (25f) bf (28m) can’t sustain erection or finish unless it’s oral or hand. he has developed body dysmorphia about his penis (very large) because of comments I made (read for context). he is therapy and on meds for ocd. i am bi and he has experimented with me. before, not sure if related. but now we are not able to discuss this, despite me hoping he will understand how my past SA is related to my comments. has toxic masculinity robbed men of being able to share their emotions, is trauma of penis size expectations this serious on men, and how can men learn to be emotionally vulnerable?

Hi everyone, this is my first post like this and English is not my first language so bare with me... I'm writing this after a dinner I had with my mother and my two grand parents from her side where another and I think final rift was exposed...
INTRO: To give some background my grandpa's family had an ancestral business that was passed down from first male child to first male child, for at least 4 generations that I know of, that until half of my grandpa's leadership was a thriving establishment with international contracts spreading 3 continents, and that gave that side of the family the possibility of owning a great number of houses around our country. Around 30 years ago this establishment was robbed, nothing big but I've always being told It was something like a catalyst that marked the decline of the business. Something like 5 years later that business failed, the factory was closed. After a couple years my grandpa and my uncle decided to rebuild it in a smaller capacity and to found it they roped in my grandma, my mother, my aunt (uncle's wife) and wife's parents and a bank (with some loans). This time the thing started slow and never really exploded but managed to keep some of the previous clients and was still a little profitable. 10 years ago started the problems, debts from the previous business and from the new one started piling and one after the others they started liquidating the houses and ended up with only three of them ( first world problem is what you are thinking and I guess you are right) but still there was a hole, at the same time relations started to break first between my father and my uncle and then my uncle and his wife's parents because they all felt like they were roped in a shipwreck. In the meantime my grandpa reached retirement age and handed the reigns to my uncle while always backing him up (this was before the really bad debits arrived btw sorry for the confusionbut after the business was no longer bringing in profits), he was waiting for this to happen and accepted. So at this point we are close to now and the assets list is three houses: one in the city one by the sea and one in the mountains; and a little factory. The city house was split in two and the two parts went one to my uncle that started living there and one to my mother that was already living with my father and so my grandparents kept it so practically my uncle got already part of my grandparents will. A couple years ago there was another problem and to get cash my uncle sold half of his house to a friend and kept living in it whereas my grandparents sold completely the other half that was supposed to go to my mother and renting it from the people they sold it to, my dad was furious (understandably) because the house was a masterpiece and demanded that since that house was supposedly my mother's that she had to be compensated somehow and the choice was between getting half of my uncle's half or getting the seaside one that was still less than the quarter of my uncles house to give you an idea, we chose the second option so we didn't have to share with my uncle and to sweeten the deal she still would keep ownership of the furniture of her city house part and at same time she was bought out of the shares of the company for what they were worth at the moment ( a fraction of what they were worth at the start but that would free her from that mess). At the same time tensions between my uncle and aunt peaked and they separated wich was hard on my little cousins and her parent's and her wanted to be bought out of their share and that created another hole. Last year my grandparents asked my mother if they could sell a painting from the ones in the city house and that were supposed to be hers and she accepted with the exception that no money from the sell was supposed to go to the business but kept for living expenses and the payout was good and the painting went to auction for 140k € of Wich 50 we to to my mother. Sorry for this enormous intro but it was necessary and if you lasted until here KUDOS.
THE MATTER AT HAND: Last week we were contacted because there was an unpaid bill for the gardener that was the only remaining bill my grandparents had to pay from the summer house and the fact that it was not paid by them worried us, not because we had to pay it but because it meant something happened to the remaining of the sell of the painting... So my mother wanted to have a chat with her parents and asked if someone was willing to go with her and my father who couldn't take anymore refused so I went because I was informed of the previous matters and I'm the oldest nephew and they usually listen to me. After the dinner we got to talking and we learned that nearly 65k were put in the business behind my mother's back and she was furious and without words so I pressed on the matter to learn more and apparently my uncle begged them to put more money in it and they did.
The problem is that when it was time to defend themselves only my grandpa spoke but using a "pluralis majestatis" that really ticked me off especially since my grandma was silent and looking at her feet, he went on about how he needed help and that he is going through a bad period with the separation and that my aunt wasn't collaborating, and that he doesn't know what would happens if the business closed because my uncle is 50 and worked only there and who knows if he can find employment, that they helped her with us kids so now they can't turn their back on him his final point was that they had no problem continuing with their "war economy" . The thing is my aunt is not keen on sign the divorce papers because they are living like divorced people but he can't marry his new partner he brought up a month after the separation until the papers are signed and she is clearly resentful because some of us are of the idea that the new partner was there before the separation, my uncle's job was mostly maintaining and creating new relations with clients and dealers so he can be a consultant for similar businesses, the help he means was that when i was in highschool i spend three nights a week there since their house was 5 mins on foot whereas mine was 1 h of public transport but my cousins pratically live there and eat at least one meal a day there and rely on them for going and getting back from football pratice four days of the week and for the "war economy" they go around with patches on their clothes and count cents at the end of the day...
I don't know why he has his eyes closed like this, after this discussion my mother seemed more pissed than ever and I think we are on the brink of collapse, is there a way to mediate?

So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves.
There was a time when it wasn’t uncommon to use a piece of string to guide words that otherwise might falter on the way to their destinations. Shy people carried a little bunch of string in their pockets, but people considered loudmouths had no less need for it, since those used to being overheard by everyone were often at a loss for how to make themselves heard by someone. The physical distance between two people using a string was often small; sometimes the smaller the distance, the greater the need for the string.
The practice of attaching cups to the ends of string came much later. Some say it is related to the irrepressible urge to press shells to our ears, to hear the still-surviving echo of the world’s first expression. Others say it was started by a man who held the end of a string that was unraveled across the ocean by a girl who left for America.
When the world grew bigger, and there wasn’t enough string to keep the things people wanted to say from disappearing into the vastness, the telephone was invented.

From the novel The History of Love, by Nicole Krauss.
And this tale which begins

Well, there was this fellow walkin along the riverbank, see? He come on a lump a string. Simple ordinary string...And when he pulled at it...

My now ex-boyfriend and I met on Facebook dating in September of 2022. We hit it off like I’ve never done with anyone else. I thought the age difference would be an issue but turns out it’s just a number. We never ever argued. We got along great. We always had a great time together. So many laughs. So much banter. So many jokes. I thought I’d found the one.
I have a history of being abused; physically, mentally, and emotionally. So needless to say being with someone who was so nice and caring to me was foreign territory. Deep down I thought I didn’t deserve it but as time went on I got used to it. I never let my history get in the way of our relationship.
I have always been supportive of him and his dreams, I never judged. I never talked down. I never nagged. I treated him like I wanted to be treated. I was his biggest cheerleader. He always said our relationship was the best he’s ever had.
Fast forward to this past January: I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked because I didn’t think I could get pregnant again. Plus I follow my cycle like a hawk. I waited a couple of days to tell him because I was a pile of nerves.
He didn’t believe me at first. Asked me to see the test then asked if termination was an option. I said absolutely not. He proceeded to tell me he wasn’t ready to be a dad (even though he is very well-off). I said OK. I will handle this on my own. I mean what do you say to that? Not ready to be a dad? Then don’t do things that can lead to a pregnancy.
To my surprise he walked in from work a couple of days later and the first words out of his mouth were “we are done”. I was shocked. Hurt. I didn’t even know how to react. I nearly passed out. He also said “I want you to be the one but you aren’t”. And a bunch of other things I can’t remember right now.
Four days later I ended up in the ER and I miscarried. He was there with me. I didn’t have the strength to drive in the middle of a blizzard. I have never cried so much in my life. I feel like I died inside. He cried with me, held my hand.
We ended up talking and he said he wanted to give us another shot. We “cleared the air” as he put it. I thought we were doing fine. We ended up going to couple’s therapy and I thought we were on the same page.
However, this gut feeling just wouldn’t go away. I thought maybe I was stressed over the loss, over work, over whatever and I was just reading into things that were no big deal to begin with.
No matter how many excuses I made for my feelings, it just wouldn’t go away. It led to many panic attacks, thoughts of ending my life, (yes it was that bad), feeling guilty over the loss of my baby. I was a mess. I thought it was all my fault.
So this Sunday I did something I never thought I’d do: go through his phone. I was not shocked at what I found. He had been sxting this woman whom he went on a date with before we met. Of course he used Snapchat. I loathe that app. I knew about her and it never sat right with me. Up until that point he never gave me a reason not to believe him.
To make a long story short: today I broke up with him. I told him I knew he was lying. He blamed the girl for sending him pictures without him asking. I said “that’s funny because your last message to her was “holy fuck”. Doesn’t sound like someone who is upset to be getting nudes.
In a way he tried to blame me and of course I called him out on his bullshit and said “nah, this is all on you”. There is no excuse for cheating in my eyes. None. Zero. And I refuse to take the blame. None of this is my fault.
He said he didn’t want to hurt me, that we weren’t meant to be, all kinds of bullshit.
My heart is in a million pieces. He was my best friend. He knows my deepest secrets, he is the only person in my life who knows about my past sucdal thoughts (I felt comfortable telling him because he struggled with the same thing as a teen). I felt so loved when I was with him. He was so affectionate all the time. It is something I had never experienced before.
Please please tell me it will be okay. Please give me any advice you can to help me move on from this without losing my sanity?
Tl;dr I need help dealing with the loss my partner and best friend. I never thought this day would come.

My Grandmother has eight grandchildren and I'm not the brightest of them all, but at times she puts me down as if I'm a burden. It's been a daily occurrence since my childhood, she was on phone with a relative and started to talk about our education qualifications. I didn't pay that much attention until she described me as "slow and bad", By no means do I consider myself an intellectual but I always believed myself to go down the path which will suit me. I was genuinely hurt as she went ahead to describe my cousins as rather gifted and opposite to me. My dad on the other hand, tells me not to pay much of attention to her words, yet they always manage to sting me and put my other achievements down. I feel worthless and useless. I need advice on how to get through this phase.

(continuation of part 4)
I already considered this piece the second greatest musical evidence for Clerith after the London Symphony Orchestra’s Final Fantasy VII Symphony’s second movement “Words Drowned by Fireworks” and its guide, but now that I know about the Clerith reunion that was baked into the ending, the gap between the two is narrower. Each time I hear Cloud begin to call out for Aerith in part 3 (3:04), I immediately start crying. It sounds so much to me like Cloud’s voice in the dark saying “Aerith…?”, meek and scared. If you’ve read everything so far, you know how long Cloud has been looking for Aerith, lost without her, searching relentlessly for decades in real-life time. Through FFT, DFF, Advent Children, MFF x FFVII… all of it spent looking for his Promised Land. In OG, Cloud was so tormented by Jenova’s manipulation and so consumed by the chase for Sephiroth that he could not realize what or how much he felt for her until she was taken away forever. The piece we’ve just analyzed tells the story of Cloud and Aerith intertwining and separating against their will, and you can truly feel Cloud’s anxiety as he struggles to wrench Aerith out of fate’s cruel grasp. Perhaps it is because of Aerith’s ultimately fatal responsibility, inherited from her mother, that this iteration of her theme is called “The Cetra”.
Though in part 5, Cloud and Aerith reunite… could this reunion symbolize their meeting again in Remake, or something more permanent? I think it’s meant to leave us wondering.
I’m very sensitive to music, and as I’m typing this, I’m crying a bit. I wanted to share my interpretation of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” with you very badly, because it makes me feel so much and really enhances Clerith’s story. I’m overjoyed to have found out about the reunion at the very end. And it’s all because you guys showed love for my last analysis! You guys are giving me gifts every day.
V. b) i. 3) Combined Analysis
Please listen to and watch the scene of Cloud’s MOTF 6 (4:21-8:46) again, and consider section “V. b) i. 2)”. What is Uematsu telling us? Similarly to how main world theme of FFVII informs us that Jenova is sabotaging Cloud’s identity far before it becomes a plot point in OG, “Aerith’s theme - The Cetra” is telling us what not even Remake Cloud consciously knows at this point: he’s been searching desperately for her, and fears losing her once more.
As if that wasn’t proof enough, the timing of the shots and musical phrases is absolutely damning. Recall that part 3 of “Aerith’s theme - The Cetra” specifically symbolizes Cloud’s anxiety surrounding Aerith’s safety. It is this particular part of the piece that plays for the entirety of Aerith’s allusions to her murderers and her death (7:25-7:54), including the very moment where “Cloud feels his chest constrict tightly” (7:51-7:54). What’s more, part 5 the piece, which specifically Cloud freeing Aerith from the restraints of fate, coincides with the moment Tifa grabs Aerith’s hand and pulls her out from the circle of Whispers closing in on her (8:42-8:45). This moment leads me to believe that the reunion in part 5 of the piece indeed symbolizes Cloud succeeding (perhaps with Tifa’s help) in saving Aerith from her tragic fate and reuniting with her for good.
It’s heart-wrenching and brilliant. Our theory stands strong.
V. b) ii. Credits: Piece Inclusion
I find it very telling that the character themes included in the credits of Remake are Cloud’s “Hollow” (0:00-5:24), an orchestral arrangement of Aerith’s theme (5:24-9:24), and an orchestral arrangement of the main world theme, (9:24-14:27) which of course includes Cloud’s true theme. No other character themes appear during the rest of the credits (14:27-18:09). This is telling: the credits are communicating to us that Remake is about Cloud and Aerith. Our Mission Theory only gets stronger.
V. b) iii. Showing Relationships Through Music: Intermingling Character Themes
This doesn’t have to do with the Mission, but here’s a pretty good anti-Cloti argument while we’re here.
As shown in section “V. a) i.” where we explored the roles of Cloud, Jenova and Sephiroth’s themes within the FFVII world theme, the way character themes interact in a piece can tell you a lot about those characters’ relationships. This is certainly the case in “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” as well (see section “V. b. ii. 2)”).
I’d like to mention that in all of my listening to the Remake OST and rewatching playthroughs of Remake, I’ve never encountered a single piece that united Cloud and Tifa’s themes. Not once. Let alone a piece that depicts them as intimately or emotionally as “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” depicts Cloud and Aerith. Even the most Cloti cutscenes in Remake aren’t supported by pieces mixing or even juxtaposing Cloud and Tifa’s themes. I can’t find any of Cloud’s motifs anywhere during the orchestral arrangement of Tifa’s theme that plays during her resolution scene in chapter 14. I can’t find either of their motifs in the track the plays when Cloud calls Tifa beautiful at Seventh Heaven in chapter 3. A motif from Tifa’s theme does appear in the track that plays during the childhood promise scene in chapter 4, (0:00-0:25), but it never plays at the same time as or even near Cloud’s motifs (1:23-1:47 and 2:03-2:29). They’re distant or otherwise unaffiliated.
The only exception is that an altered version of Cloud’s theme’s section A phrase 1 appears in the background of Tifa’s theme (1:17-1:23). This symbolizes her connection to Cloud and how much of her attention and worry revolve around him— a reference to how she cares so much that it borders on dependency. Of course, it doesn’t go both ways: Tifa isn’t in Cloud’s theme at all. To me, this lack of reciprocity concerning the inclusion of Cloud’s motif in Tifa’s theme signifies that the only time Cloud and Tifa are together is in her head. She does think about him a lot, which we witness in her chapter of Trace of Two Pasts. Tifa loses sleep over him even two years after he left Nibelheim, despite the fact that she barely knew him at all:

“The moment she heard the word “Soldier”, the few memories she had with Cloud Strife came flooding back. He never contacted her after they parted ways two years ago […]. She tossed and turned all night. When she counted them again, her memories with Cloud were so surprisingly few that others might find it hard to believe that they grew up as next-door neighbors” (Trace of Two Pasts, translated by pekotranslates on Tumblr).

FFVII Remake Ultimania also comments on the superficial nature of Cloud and Tifa’s water tower promise, and how regardless of its naïveté, it became fundamental to Tifa:

“Though rooted in a jejune heroine fantasy of being rescued in a pinch by her hero, this promise is clearly etched in Tifa’s memory” (Tifa’s profile in section 01 of “Character & World”, “An Enduring Childhood Promise” in “Topics of Tifa” page 20).

You could argue that “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is only one song wherein Cloud and Aerith’s themes interweave, but you’d be proven wrong by the Rebirth OST…
V. c) The Rebirth OST
Unfortunately, the full Rebirth OST isn’t out and available where I can listen to it right now. However, based solely on the incomplete OST that’s available to me right now, I can tell you with certainty that the composers were told to incorporate Clerith into the musical storytelling: Cloud and Aerith’s themes intermingle in multiple pieces. I can’t imagine what else I’ll discover once I listen to the full OST. For now, I checked out what was available on YouTube and listened to cutscene audios. This section would be eternal if I included every time Cloud and Aerith’s motifs interact, especially in chapter 14. Trust me, I’d love to talk about every single one, but this thing is long enough already, so let’s just address what pertains to our Mission Theory specifically rather than stopping at every single Clerith reference in the OST.
V. c) i. Ending Cutscene Music
Ending cutscenes are often used to address the next step the characters will be taking as well as their emotional and mental state. They also open up new questions to make the player curious. Indeed, Rebirth’s ending cutscene (18:56-25:00) gives us an impression of how the party members feel by the end of the game: everyone misses Aerith. Barret looks upset and confused at the mention of her (19:35-19:45), the girls are crying and Nanaki is mourning (19:58-20:35). Additionally, we are shown the empty White Materia and Black Materia in Cloud’s possession (20:40-21:24), foreshadowing that they will come to be important in part 3. Cloud and Aerith share a warm goodbye, and exchange promises: Aerith will send smoke signals if something happens to her so a worried Cloud can remain updated on her well-being and she will stop Meteor, and Cloud will stop Sephiroth (23:00-25:00). The fact that this scene is animated in CGI is enough to tell us that the devs consider it narratively important, just like they do Bugenhagen’s observatory and the party’s advance into the Forgotten Capital CGI cutscenes. What did the composers decide to communicate with us about the end of Rebirth and the plot going forward?
Big surprise: Clerith.
During the entire cutscene, only two themes play: Cloud’s and Aerith’s. The cutscene’s music begins only when Cloud notices Aerith among the party members and begins watching her (19:21). She interacts with the rest of the party without their knowledge, different segments of her theme playing one after another. Her theme only stops when Cloud finally looks away from her and to the empty White Materia in his hand (20:45). The music focuses on the mystery and ominousness of these materia, only returning to Aerith once Cloud hears her voice and repeats her message to the party (21:30).
Cloud’s theme appears when he asserts that Barret needn’t worry about him (section A of Cloud’s true theme, 22:41), though soft and tentative, only swelling when Barret and Tifa climb aboard the Tiny Bronco and Cloud finds himself alone with Aerith again (22:57). As he asks Aerith if “[she’ll] be okay getting back” (23:08), the final phrase of section A of his theme plays, but without its concluding note, the tonic. He waits for her to answer him as his theme waits for hers to complete and answer it, that final note dragging long over the seconds (23:09-23:13). She answers with a teasing remark that references their unwillingness to part from each other back in Remake’s Evergreen Park:

“[Cloud has] a chat with Aerith, from whom he’s reluctant to part” (chapter 9 in section 04 “Scenario”, “Main Story Digest”, “4. Saying Goodbye”, page 275)”.

As soon as Aerith answers Cloud’s question with this romantic callback, her theme answers his too: section C of Aerith’s theme begins with the key’s tonic, resolving Cloud’s incomplete phrase (23:13): she gives him resolution. He chuckles, getting her reference, and the music swells (23:16). The music ebbs and flows thusly, following the rhythms and underlying emotions of their conversation. Finally, the piece ends with phrase 2 of of section A of Cloud’s true theme, following a strong repetition of the first half of Aerith’s theme’s section A. The two make their promises to each other, and “No Promises to Keep” begins, leading us to the credits. This is most definitely a Clerith song, but more on that later.
What this shows us is that Cloud and Aerith’s relationship is fundamental to the plot of Rebirth and will also be fundamental to the plot of part 3: they are isolated one one-on-one in this cutscene, and the music depicts their warm, sweet interaction as well as the strength of Aerith’s character to contrast with Cloud’s somewhat meek personality. The composers are telling us that these two, specifically, together alone, are hugely important to the plot here. This was already true in OG, but no such emphasis was ever placed on their interactions and relationship in its music. Something is different, deeper, more intense now. The Mission Theory explains why. It also suits our theory that the composers are emphasizing the centrality of Clerith in the plot of the Remake trilogy. Cloud’s love for Aerith is the reason for the trilogy’s existence, and it will be the greatest motivator for Cloud in part 3. It’s a grand announcement.
Just like in Remake, I could not find a single instance of Cloud and Tifa’s themes interacting in Rebirth, apart from at the end of the intimate Skywheel date— but every girl receives this treatment in their intimate dates, so each of these instances can be crossed out. Additionally, the Tifa date is not the canon one, but I digress…
V. c) iii. Credits

1. Piece Inclusion

Once more, I find it very telling that of all the pieces included in the credits of Rebirth, the only character themes are Cloud’s and Aerith’s. We start with a song about Aerith’s point of view to mirror *Remake’*s “Hollow”, “No Promises to Keep” (5:18-11:10), followed by the FFVII world theme (11:10-16:12) which of course contains Cloud’s true theme, then we move into a piece whose unofficially translated title is “Parade Battle Ceremony - The Dawn of a New World” as an arrangement of the parade ceremony theme from chapter 4 (16:12-19:03), followed by a theme for the Lifestream springs whose name I don’t have (19:03-21:38), “Junon - Fortified Metropolis” (21:38-24:28), and finally, a gorgeous arrangement of Aerith’s theme (24:28-28:47). No other character is referenced in the credits music: the credits are telling us Rebirth is about Clerith. Our Mission Theory explains why.
V. c) iii. 2) “No Promises to Keep”
At the very end of this song written and performed by Aerith, we’re treated with a sweet little piano conclusion (10:46-11:10): it begins with a variation on Aerith’s theme’s section A (10:46-11:01), and concludes with two ascending arpeggios, each four notes long (11:01-11:10). Each of these ascending arpeggios is a variation of the phrase 1 of Cloud’s true theme’s section A. The differences are minimal. The phrase is usually five notes long rather than four, the first arpeggio ends on the tonic rather than Cloud’s iconic subtonic, and the second arpeggio starts on the subtonic rather than the tonic. The song Aerith wrote concludes with Cloud’s most famous motif. This is also the case in her Gold Saucer performance (3:31-3:41).
V. c) iii. 3) Arrangement of Aerith’s Theme
The final piece in the credits is an arrangement of Aerith’s theme (24:28-28:47) which has noticeably similar elements to the version of her theme that plays during the Jenova Lifeclinger battle in chapter 14 (0:12-3:36), such as the female choirs. Since these female choirs are only heard in the Forgotten City version of Aerith’s theme, and since the credits arrangement of her theme plays at the same time as clips from her chapter 14 pseudo-death roll across the screen, I estimate that this credits arrangement specifically reflects the event of Aerith’s pseudo-death. Recall that composers had access to the credits video as they composed, meaning this piece is specifically written for Aerith’s pseudo-death in Rebirth.
What I find fascinating is that, just like the arrangements of her theme that play during Aerith’s pseudo-death and the Jenova Lifeclinger battle, this credits arrangement contains the sound of Cloud’s pain, rage and protest. Phrase 1 and the first three notes of phrase 2 of Cloud’s true theme section A play on the strings and brass quite loudly and insistently, just as Cloud blocking masamune appears on the credits screen (25:11-25:21). Sephiroth’s dissonant, high and screechy violins appear just as his face comes onto the screen (26:33), and almost as a protective response, phrases 1 and 2 of Cloud’s true theme’s section A return (26:47-27:00). Finally, similarly to what we hear in part 5 of “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra”, a slightly modified section A phrase 1 of Cloud’s true theme play along with section C phrase 3 of Aerith’s theme (oh wow section A and C section Aerith for Cloud’s theme and section Cloud for Aerith’s theme I just realized that’s such a cute coincidence), though unfortunately they do not meet in the middle like last time since they start two octaves apart (28:20-28:25). I’ve recreated it for you once more here so you can really appreciate it. The fact that their motifs don’t truly reunite like in “Aerith’s Theme - The Cetra” is sad, but the very last thing you see onscreen is Aerith’s goodbye to the Tiny Bronco (27:10-27:42), so it makes sense that this piano conclusion implies that Cloud and Aerith aligned, but not yet reunited for good. That’s exactly what you get from the ending cutscene. It does seem to imply that they will be reunited in part 3, as both the ending cutscene and this piano conclusion read as a “till we see each other again” rather than a “farewell”.
VI. Textual Evidence
Now that the musical evidence is done, let’s compile some textual story evidence that supports our theory!
VI. a) Remake Trilogy (Thus Far) Handholding Explained?
As I’m sure you’ve noticed, handholding is a motif in Cloud and Aerith’s relationship— and an extremely symbolic one at that! When researching for info to validate my theory, I found that this Clerith motif was extremely helpful! Its inclusion in the Remake trilogy, and especially in Rebirth, is hugely significant in my eyes.
VI. a) i. Pre-Remake Trilogy: Aerith’s Initiative
Before examining the significance of Clerith handholding in Remake and Rebirth, we should establish the meaning of this motif in OG and Advent Children.
Cloud and Aerith have reached out to take each other’s hands many times since 1997. Aerith used to literally drag him by the hand a lot, shocking the cold and distant merc, before she left. After her death in OG, Cloud surely longed to be able to feel her hand take his again, cursing himself for not enjoying it while she was alive, and for never being the one to grasp her hand first: he never got to tell her how he feels about her, or to save her. It was always her reaching out for him, saving him.
This is why the scene in OG when Aerith reaches for him from the Lifestream after Cloud defeats Sephiroth in chapter 3 of disk 3 is so touching: Cloud sees her hand and reaches out to take it, so close to finally establishing that mutual connection, but she soon fades, and replaced by Tifa’s hand in the tangible world. He doesn’t get to hold Aerith’s hand again.
That is, not until Advent Children, where near the end of his battle with Bahamut Sin, he sees Aerith reach out to him once again (1:08-1:30). Cloud finally gets to hold her hand for the first time in two years when he lost her. This moment was given extra importance by the devs. In fact, Nojima told us the following:

“The ending scene of the battle with Bahamut, the scene where Aerith reaches out her hand, is an homage to the last scene from a previous production. It was [Nomura]'s idea” (FFVII Reunion Files, “Story Digest”, “Summoned Beast”, page 113).

VI. a) ii. The Remake Trilogy (Thus Far): Cloud’s Initiative
As I’ve said before, if I’m right that Remake is all about Cloud stepping up to be more attentive and active in his relationship with Aerith in order to save her, there should be concrete evidence of this in the Remaketrilogy thus far. If OG Cloud’s memories of and love for Aerith exist somewhere within Remake Cloud’s subconsciousness, then Remake Cloud should be far more active in the Clerith dynamic than OG Cloud was— after all, he’s supposed to know better this time around. Thankfully, the motif of handholding can help us evaluate this. Since we know pre-Remake Cloud was quite passive when it comes to handholding, Cloud initiating handholding in the Remake trilogy would be a strong indication that our theory has validity. Keeping this in mind, let’s see what we can find thus far in the Remake trilogy in relation to handholding, and if Cloud is indeed more active than he was in OG.
VI. a) ii. 1) Hollow Hands
Remake’s theme song “Hollow” makes allusions to the handholding motif: “This time, I will never let you go” is pretty clear. And so is “No Promises to Keep”, wherein Aerith speaks of Cloud “[taking her] hand and never [letting her] go” multiple times. Interestingly, these theme song lyrics seem to suggest that Cloud will be much more active in the Remake trilogy than in OG. “Hollow” even promises that Cloud will come to his senses and take charge of the situation: “this time, [he] will” be the one to offer his hand to Aerith, unlike in OG and Advent Children. This makes a lot of sense with our theory: now that Cloud has lost Aerith once, “this time for sure, [he]’ll” be the one to reach for Aerith’s hand, take initiative and save her the way she saved him.
Even though theme songs are extremely telling of a game’s main themes and intentions, lyrics are still all talk and no proof. What about the game itself? Do Remake and Rebirth deliver on this promise? Let’s see!
VI. a) ii. 2) Resolution Hands
The only significant time Cloud initiates handholding in Remake is during Cloud’s resolution scene in chapter 14 (5:18-5:40), wherein he tries to grab Aerith’s hand but is unable to keep her with him. He fills with determination and tells her in no uncertain terms that he’s coming for her. Just as we predicted, Cloud is the active participant in this iteration of the Clerith handholding motif: he’s even explicitly insisting against Aerith’s wishes that he should “get a say in all this” and that he’s “coming for [her]”. Let’s not forget that Cloud’s resolution is meant to reflect not only Aerith’s kidnapping by Shinra, but also her fated death. Nojima implied this by commenting the following on Aerith’s “Even if you think you have, it’s not real” line:

“Those who know what befalls Aerith later on will find the line really heart-wrenching” (FFVII Remake Ultimania, section 08 “Secrets”, “Development Staff Interviews, Part 2: Tetsuya Nomura, Yoshinori Kitase, Kazushige Nojima”, page 744).

Given this note by Nojima, it looks like we’re supposed to watch Cloud’s resolution scene with Aerith’s fated death in mind. Considering this, Cloud’s “I’m coming for you” line sure seems like an subconscious promise that he will save Aerith from her tragic fate. This subconscious promise could be the result of post-OG Cloud’s feelings and intentions rising to the surface. Nevertheless, he’s absolutely determined and he’s staying true to the promise he made in “Hollow”. I think it’s fair to say that this instance of the handholding Clerith motif does indeed fit perfectly with our theory. This is only one strong example though, and we need a pattern in order to pat ourselves on the back on this. So, let’s keep looking! There isn’t any handholding initiated by Cloud beyond that point in Remake. At this point in my research, I moved on to Rebirth to go digging for handholding there.
Hoo boy. I was not disappointed.
VI. a) ii. 3) Golden Hands
Let’s begin with the obvious. In their high-affinity gondola date in chapter 12, Cloud bravely interlaces his fingers with Aerith’s: Cloud’s taken charge not only of handholding, but the most intimate kind of handholding. I’m sure you’ve encountered the phrase “こいびとつなぎ” or “koibito tsunagi by now (literally translates to “lovers’ tie” or “lovers’ connection”); this is the term used in Japanese to refer to the type of handholding Cloud initiates with Aerith on the Skywheel. It’s considered the most intimate form of handholding. In Japan, skinship is normally considered quite significant and indicative of the closeness between two people— you could say it’s a big deal. Cloud also offers Aerith his hand when they step off the Shywheel, once more making the first move. Though some might say that the Skywheel dates shouldn’t be counted as canon, I believe Aerith’s date is indeed canon (I have my reasons but this post is long enough). Even if we discount the Skywheel date however, Clerith's use of the koibito tsunagi returns in a non-optional scene we will touch on later.
For what it’s worth, Alfreid offers Rosa his hand in the Loveless play too. I can prove that Aerith is the canon Rosa too, but I’m going to save that for my next analysis! You can take my word for it now, or just wait for that analysis to drop. Take it or leave it!
VI. a) ii. 4) Meta Hands
However, the narrative weight of these Clerith handholding instances doesn’t even come close to my very favorite iteration of the handholding motif in Rebirth. I’m referring to what I consider a severely underrated Clerith moment in chapter 13. First, some context: Sephiroth manipulates Cloud into giving over the Black Materia. Cloud seems to be firmly under Sephiroth’s control. However, the sight of Aerith being swarmed by Black Whispers snaps Cloud back into the driver’s seat: he breaks out of Sephiroth’s grasp to run to her and save her. Aerith gets knocked off into a fatal free-fall by a Black Whisper before Cloud can reach her, but he won’t have it: he lunges forward, hand extended. What results is a beautiful shot of their outstretched hands (56:25-56:27).
Let’s analyze this great shot. Notice how the seconds where Cloud is reaching downwards to grasp Aerith’s hand are treated. This key moment is stretched longer by a slow-mo effect, building up the tension and drawing the audience’s focus to the distance between their hands before Cloud actually catches Aerith’s in his, fulfilling the promise he made in “Hollow”. Their hands take up the whole screen in a deliberate close-up shot. All the ambient noises of the scene go quiet: Aerith’s theme is all we hear as Cloud reaches desperately for her. These are blatant audiovisual cues, signalling to the audience that whatever is happening on screen is especially significant. We should therefore examine this specific instance of the Clerith handholding motif to see what the devs are trying to tell us, and maybe it will fit with our theory!
We should begin by comparing this Clerith hand-reach shot to previous ones. If you compare it to the Advent Children’s hand-reach that occurs during Cloud’s battle against Bahamut Sin, it’s evident that Cloud and Aerith’s roles are reversed: just as our theory states, Cloud gets out from inside his head and reaches for Aerith this time. She saved him and the world in OG, and now it’s his turn to save her. This change becomes especially evident when you juxtapose the two scenes and notice how their hands have switched places, reaching from above and below, from left and right. I think the Rebirth hand-reach was deliberately made to look like the Advent Children one —and even the OG one in disk 3, chapter 3—, just to highlight this role reversal.
This Rebirth hand-reach is my favorite out of all because it shows that Cloud is much more conscious and attentive toward Aerith in Rebirth than he was in OG. At this point in OG (disk 1, chapter 25), Cloud is meant to be beating Aerith up at Sephiroth’s command, to the horror of the rest of the party. In fact, a few minutes before Cloud rushes to save Aerith in Rebirth, he has absolutely no problem violently shoving Tifa to the ground when she gets in Sephiroth’s way (53:27-53:33). This shove and Cloud’s earlier attack on Tifa in Gongaga (Rebirth, chapter 9) proves that Sephiroth is just as capable of making Cloud hurt his party members as he was in OG… though Sephiroth can’t seem to make Cloud hurt Aerith. Why is this? Why is it that Cloud beats Aerith in OG, but doesn’t even lay a finger on her —and snaps out of Sephiroth’s control at the mere sight of her in trouble— in Rebirth?
Our theory provides the answer. In disk 1, chapter 25 of OG, Cloud had not yet realized he loved Aerith. Sephiroth was therefore able to make him hurt her. But things are different in Rebirth. The Cloud we see in the Remake trilogy has gone through the OG timeline and traveled back in time, kicking off Remake as his second try at the OG timeline— and he did this precisely because he loves Aerith. His love for her is clearer and stronger in the Remake trilogy than in OG because Remake Cloud is an amnesiac, post-OG, time-traveler Cloud. He’s been through the OG before, has fallen in love with Aerith and realized it before, so this time around, he can’t even lay a finger on her. This is made evident by how closely the moments where Cloud pushes Tifa and saves Aerith are juxtaposed, separated by mere seconds of gameplay. Merely seeing Aerith in trouble wrenched control from Sephiroth and put it in Cloud’s hands again— Sephiroth probably couldn’t have gotten Cloud to attack Aerith if he tried.
This isn’t the only time we get evidence of this though! As Cloud approaches Aerith’s praying form in the Forgotten City, Sephiroth’s Black Whispers swirl around the buster sword: Sephiroth is trying to kill Aerith with it, while Cloud’s struggle to wrench it away plays out visibly on his face. Interestingly, Cloud is not being controlled by Sephiroth here. We know this because we can quite literally see the Black Whispers trying to move his sword, but also because every time Cloud is being controlled by Sephiroth in Rebirth, he has an empty-eyed, zombie-Cloud look on his face. Either that or he laughs or smiles somewhat maniacally. There is never any resistance on his part. To see an example, simply pay attention to Cloud’s blank face as he attacks Tifa in Gongaga in chapter 9 (19:20-20:30). You’ll see the very same expression on his face if you watch this video of Cloud following Sephiroth’s orders in chapter 13 (53:36-54:15). Additionally, look at how strangely Cloud smiles (41:01) as he grasps the Black Materia. Cloud makes none of these faces as the Black Whispers try to take control of his sword: quite the opposite. Cloud looks like he’s trying his hardest to pull his weapon back down and away from Aerith, a horrified look on his face as he grunts from the effort. Once more, Sephiroth is unable to make Cloud hurt Aerith.
Back to my favorite handholding moment. Think about this devs intention for this shot for a minute. The devs have been teasing us as to whether or not Cloud will succeed in saving Aerith in the Remake trilogy since it was first announced, and this slow-mo shot of Cloud catching Aerith’s hand as she falls to her death is a reflection of this tension. The audience holds their breath during those slow-moed seconds, all that hope and fear hanging in the balance. This instance of the handholding motif is a meta way for the devs to reassure us that Cloud will indeed save Aerith. I firmly believe this.
VI. a) ii. 5) Self-Sacrificing Hands
Alright, alright, enough about my favorite! Let’s move to chapter 14 of Rebirth! There’s evidently a lot going on with Clerith in this chapter. Let’s address the Sector 5 date. The handholding is first initiated by Aerith as she tugs him toward the candy vendor and Cloud reacts with a quiet gasp (4:07-4:17). Soon, it becomes a reciprocal embrace: Cloud holds his hand out for Aerith’s and tightens his fingers around hers, smiling at her before they head to the photographer (7:07-7:17).
Then of course, when Aerith pushes Cloud into a portal in her church, you can see Cloud reach his hand up toward her desperately as he falls (17:38-17:58). What I find particularly emotional about this moment is that Aerith pushing Cloud away from her is kind of the opposite of reaching for his hand: it symbolizes Aerith accepting her fate and giving up on a life where she can be with him. This Aerith seems to be a post-OG Aerith who exists separately from the main world we experience in Rebirth, meaning she knows all too well that her fate is to die. In fact, it looks like she is the very same or a similar Aerith to the one who appeared to Cloud in his resolution scene in Remake. By literally pushing Cloud away, just like she figuratively did in Cloud’s resolution scene, she is sacrificing both herself and the happiness she could share with Cloud. She’s going against her heart’s wishes, just like she did in Cloud’s resolution scene when she would not let Cloud take her hand. Indeed, post-OG Aerith seems to be resigned to her fated death and completely devoid of hope: she only wants to ensure the planet’s survival, because she thinks she knows there is no way she can or should be with Cloud. In contrast, Cloud reaches his hand out toward Aerith as he falls into the portal, and even though he does not know that her push symbolizes her self-sacrifice, his outstretched hand represents his protest. So far, our theory is fitting beautifully.
VI. a) ii. 6) Grieving Hands
Later in chapter 14 of Rebirth, after Aerith’s death/non-death, there is more handholding. As Cloud cradles Aerith’s body close to him at the Forgotten Capital, Aerith places her hand on his cheek. Cloud covers it with his, curling his fingers around it (1:03:33-1:03:53). Before he leaves her lying down on her back to go fight Sephiroth, he squeezes her hand as he tells her “I got this”— or, per the Japanese version, “Wait for me”, meaning he’ll reunite with her once he’s done (1:04:56-1:05:10).
VI. a) ii. 7) Hero-Heroine Hands
Next, the koibito tsunagi returns as Cloud and Aerith interlace fingers back to back in a classic hero-heroine pose, right after their two-versus-one fight against Sephiroth. This time, they both reach for each other simultaneously (7:42-8:18), without even having to look down at their hands or talk to each other, as though perfectly in sync. As you can see, Aerith and Cloud are now on the same page. This is different from post-OG Aerith’s attitude in the Sector 5 church earlier in chapter 14, as well as in Cloud’s resolution scene in Remake— my interpretation of this mutual koibito tsunagi is that both of them are agreeing to hold onto each other now, with neither of them pulling back or being inattentive of the other: their priorities are now the same. It seems now they are aligned, and hopefully this means that Aerith will be working together with Cloud so they can reunite again in part 3. Even if she doesn’t prioritize her life and happiness though, we know for sure Cloud will.
VI. b) Blocking Masamune Explained?
Another piece of evidence that Cloud has been through the events of OG before is the fact that he is able to block masamune. Cloud looks up and sees Sephiroth descending with his blade poised to kill Aerith. Screaming, Cloud instantly rips the buster sword from the Black Whispers’ hold and successfully blocks masamune. Hatred and determination fill his eyes as he rallies his strength and successfully pushes Sephiroth away, saving Aerith’s life (6:00-7:26)— at least, in one reality.
Obviously, something about Cloud is different in Rebirth from in OG, otherwise, the events of Rebirth’s chapter 14 would be the same as the events of OG’s disk 1 chapter 28. In my opinion, what happened here is that upon seeing Sephiroth swoop down with masamune, Cloud remembered Aerith’s death in OG, and the post-OG Cloud’s determination to stop it came surging up from within him. This is frankly the very best proof there is that Cloud is far more ready, stable, determined, and clear-headed about Aerith in the Remake trilogy than in OG. Our theory explains why! In fact, this very moment is what our entire theory banks on: Cloud saves Aerith in one reality, as is shown by the rainbow effect produced by the event, and just like that, the promise made in “Hollow” has been fulfilled! However, now we face the question of how to make sure that Aerith is alive and by Cloud’s side when the multiverse converges again into one protected timeline. I’m sure it will be done; we will see how in part 3.
VI. c) Theme Song Lyrics
What the theme songs’ texts have to say about the trilogy so far is quite important, as they summarize the feelings of the characters they represent: Cloud and Aerith. We can glean a lot from their perspectives that could help support the Mission Theory.
VI. d) i. “Hollow” Lyrics
“Hollow”, Remake’s theme song, was written about Cloud’s feelings and rumination. Nojima confirmed that, when he was given directives for the lyric-writing, “Nomura just gave [Nojima] the keywords: ‘told from Cloud's point of view’ and ‘standing in the rain’. [Nojima] interpreted that as ‘a ballad for a man who lost something/someone important’” (Nojima and Uematsu interview “‘I wanted to put the word ‘empty’ in the theme song of Remake. That was how it started’ - Music-Related Interview Part 6: Kazunari Nojima”, by Famitsu). Our theory is about Cloud’s motivations and mission to save Aerith, so “Hollow” is especially relevant.
Let’s run through the lyrics and analyze, starting with the song’s first verse:

“I would be lost, drifting along
Floating up high, time after time
And there you'd be, shining brightly
Your smiling face to guide my way
Bloody and bruised, brought to my knees
When beaten down, when broken up
You would appear, reach out to me
Heal every wound and make me whole”

Makes sense with our theory in mind, doesn’t it? This is post-OG Cloud remembering Aerith and what she means to him. “Hollow” seems to be told from the perspective of the post-OG Cloud hidden somewhere in Remake Cloud: a suppressed or eroded part of him that remembers Aerith clearly. Or maybe it’s told by Cloud after the events of the MFF x FFVII Remake collaboration and before the start of Remake, asserting his mission to save Aerith.
Next, here are the pre-choruses:

“Was it all, a dream? Will I never know?
Foolish and blind to everything
Had I realized, had I thought it through
Would you be here in my embrace?”

&

“With your every smile, hiding something more
Dark mysteries lurking beneath
But I was consumed with this emptiness
This selfishness, this void to fill”

(continued in

Hi,
I used Notion for many years and later moved on to Obsidian which I've been using for about 2 years now. I find it useful but not perfect, and I have reached a stage where there is some functionality I am missing.
On top of what apps like Obsidian already offer, I was looking for something that would also have features like:

• Having an option to find notes based on their similarity to other notes. Basically determining potential relationships without me having to manually link them. These potential relationships can be based on words found in the body of the notes and their frequency. This could even be a feature available in the equivalent of an Obsidian local view that can be turned on or off.
  
• Similar to the previous item, an overview of topics I've written about would also be useful. For instance, something that can tell me that I created, let's say, 10 notes this month that include the some kind of "key" noun like "decentralization" and provide other insights like how when I produce notes about "decentralization" I also discuss "deregulation". And by key nouns I mean essentially words that are not every day words or even words that I explicitly define as key terms.
  
• Something that showcases how two notes are linked in the graph view. Meaning, instead of there just being lines or arrows, the line itself explains the relationship between the two notes. For instance, in Obsidian I can filter the graph view and search only for the items in my "Van Gogh" folder. And now I can see that the Vincent van Gogh note links to the Theo van Gogh note and to the Van Gogh Museum note. But the only way (as far as I can tell) that I can define the relationship between these items is with tags. So I can make a group for items tagged as "family", and the Theo note can then be pink. The "locations" tag can also have a group and be green instead. But what if I wanted to visualize, say, the date of something, like when someone was born and when a museum was inaugurated? I can't sort the graph view based on date or any other tag or property (though I'm sure I could make a Dataview table for that). But if I had tags for dates and I wanted to group items based on that, I now really have no way of knowning how these items relate. So something that makes these relationships visibly clearer would be super helpful (along with features that allow for more ways to sort notes on the graph view).
  

I have an issue which should be apparent by now and that is that I don't know much about programming or coding, I can barely put my ideas above into words. I imagine that if I knew more about programming I would probably be able to make something that does what I described but being limited in that skill sort of forces me to look for apps or plugins.
I know the Graph Analysis plugin for Obsidian is supposed to sort of do something similar to what I described, especially the Bag of Words and Louvain settings, but because it cannot distinguish between the importance of different nouns and it cannot distinguish nouns, verbs, or adjectives from prepositions and articles, it is not very useful.
After doing some Googling it seems that a tool that does what I described needs to either contain some kind of AI or something called "semantic ontology".
Someone in this Obsidian forum recommends capacities.io and it does have a couple of features I like, for instance, a note/object can have a property has is itself an object, such as a date, but if I want only the year I must put in a number which does not look like it can be its own object. I also did not find any way to add filters to the graph view at all, so it was more limited than Obsidian in that regard.
Anytype.io, which was recommended by the same user, allows you to define what type of object belongs as what property for each object type, which is already far superior but, as with Obsidian, it is quite complex so I don't fully know the extent of what can be done with the app and its potential issues.
Hopefully, I have done an OK job with explaining what I am looking for. Does anyone have any clue what kinds of tools I should be looking into that have features similar to what I described above? My university research is becoming quite complex and with Obsidian I feel like if I forget to link two notes (which becomes harder to remember as the vault expands and eventually linking similar ideas to a shared "main" note starts to get messy and deafeat the purpose) I end up not making full use of connections that could be helping me expand my understanding.

The gray wolf sits in the darkness. She looks back to see a blue crystal clock. The clock turns once and lands on one. One blue flame is lit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuZbmLLv1vM

As the moon started to set on the city, the sun started to rise from behind the mountains. A cool brezze flower through Mk’s window; waking him up. He lifts himself up in his sleepy state and looks around, seeing that it was early morning. 

“It’s seven? Might as well get up now.” He got up from bed and walked over to his window. He looked outside to see the moon out while the sun was still rising. “Oh cool. The moon is still out.”

Mk walks out the door and get’s in his car. He drives to the mountain. Once he arrives at the mountain, he walks up the stairs to Monkie King’s (Sun Wukong) training dojo. 

“Monkie King? Are you here?” Mk looked around and didn’t see Monkie King anywhere. “That’s strange…. He said he would be here.”
“And I am”, Sun said from behind Mk. Mk jumped and said, “Don’t do that!”
“Sorry, Sorry”, Sun said. “Ready for training?” Before Sun could take another step, he heard Mk’s bag ball to the ground. He looks back and sees Mk about to attack. “Guss that means yes.” Sun got into his fighting stance and started training in an instant. Mk and Sun continue to fight until Mk stands victorious.
“Yes!”
“Your getting better”, Sun said, picking himself up. He brushed off the dust and dirt from his clothes. “And your powers are getting stronger.”
“Maybe, but they’re not as powerful as you”, Mk says, giving praise to his teacher. Before Sun could say anything else, a crash could be heard from the city below.
“Not again….!”

My jumps down from building to building until he sees a huge demon roaring. 

“Oh come on…. Another demon”, Mk says in annoyance. Before he could act, a shadow figure enveloped by the sun jumps down and lands on a nearby building. They look up at the demon.
“This is gonna be fun.” The gray wolf raises her arm to the side of her and summons a claw-like weapon. “Now it’s time to go back to where you belong!” She jumps up and lands on one of the demon's extra arms and runs up to its face. The demon tries to shake her off, but the gray wolf jumps onto a nearby building and looks down on the demon. She jumps down once again and claws the demon’s face. From the impact of the blow, the wolf jumps up to the same building she was on before; her feet sliding against the roof. The demon roars in pain and agony until it disappears into the shadows. Magic surrounds the wolf’s claw-like weapon and it vanishes. “And that is how it’s done.”
“Wow, Monkie King, that was–”, Before Mk could say another word, he falls back. The gray wolf, wearied out by the situation, tries to walk away, but Mk reapers in front of her and says, “That was amazing Monk– O-Oh, your not Monkie King.” The gray toned wolf blinked a few times and then chuckled.
“Clearly.” The gray wolf looks at Mk’s staff and realized that the staff belong to Monkie King. She thinks, “How does he have Sun’s staff? He must be his apprentice.” She gathered her words and said, “You must be Monkie King’s apprentice. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You have”, Mk asks.
“Yes. You're the talk of the celestial realm as of late”, The wolf says. She starts to walk away and says, “I’ll see you around, Mk.” Mk looked back at the mountain and then back at the wolf walking away. He looks at his staff and runs up to the wolf.
“Can you teach me that move”, Mk asks, his eyes growing big like a puppy. The wolf looks down and smiles. She then looks back up at Mk and says, “I’m sorry. I can’t. You already have a teacher. You shouldn’t go behind his back.”
“Oh… well, will I see you again”, Mk asked. The wolf looked back and smiled, then said, “Maybe one day.”
“When?”
“Let fate decide.”

“She what?” 

“She killed the demon on her own”, Mk explained to Mai. “I think she was from the Celestial Realm.”
“What did she look like”, Mai asked.
“She was gray toned and she had a pendant that looked like the moon”, Mk described. “She had gold eyes too.” Sun almost dropped the scroll he was reading and looked away. He could feel a bead of sweat running down his face.
“Hey, Monkie King, do you know who she is”, Mk asked.
“I-I have no idea who she is”, Sun said, acting ignorant. “And IF she was from the celestial realm, she wouldn’t have come down here. Beings from the Celestial realm don’t travel to Earth.” As Sun went back to reading his scroll, a bright blue light caught the side of his eye. The trio looked over and saw a blue lit portal.
“What the?” Mk walks over to the portal and puts his hand through. He goes to pull his hand back out, but the force of the portal pulls him in.
“Mk!” Mie and Sun try to pull Mk out of the portal but they all get pulled in.

A portal appears in the celestial realm and Mk falls from above. He hits the ground. He rubs the back of his head and looks around. 

“Is this… the celestial realm?”
“Mk?” Mk looks back to see the gray wolf looking at him from above. “What are you doing here?”
“It’s you again”, Mk says. “Am I in the celestial realm?
“You are”, the gray wolf says. “But right now, you're in the celestial forest. This is my domain.”
“I’m not here alone”, Mk says. “My friends are here too.”
“Your friends? Does that mean Monkie King is here too”, the wolf asks.
“Yes.” The wolf looks around for a moment and says, “Alright. I’ll help you find your friends. Follow me.”

Mk follows the gray wolf into the forest. Leaves the color yellow and gold fell to the ground. The yellow grass flows as the two walk. 

“Do you live here”, Mk asks.
“Indeed, I do”, the wolf says. “I am this domain's protector among all things.”
“Really?”
“Yes. do you know what an embodiment is”, the wolf asks.
“No”, Mk answered.
“Well, an embodiment is in charge of keeping balance in three places”, the wolf continues, “The celestial realm. Earth. And the lunar realm. There are many embodiments have different responsibilities for what they are named for.”
“So what’s yours”, Mk curiously asks.
“I am the embodiment of Luck and misfortune”, the wolf answers. She looks back and says, “We found them.” Mk looks down and runs over to Sun and Mai.
“Monkie King! Mei!”
“Mk!”
“Thank goodness you're alright”, Sun says. “How did you find us?”
“She helped me.” Sun looks up and sees the gray wolf looking down on him. Sun’s face turned somewhat not convinced and said, “So you came out of hiding, huh?”
“What are you talking about”, the wolf says. “I keep on the low because I don’t like to make a scene.”
“And look at what you did back on earth.”
“Mad that you didn’t kill a demon?” Mai and Mk look at each other and ask in unison, “Do you two know each other?” Sun and the wolf looked at each other for a moment.
“I will slap you, Sun”, the wolf murmured. Sun sighs and says, “She’s my sister.” Mei and Mk looked at both Sun and the wolf and said in unison and surprise, “WHAT?!”
“Yup, I’m his sister”, the wolf days.
“Little sister”, Sun clarified.
“You two don’t look related”, Mei pointed out.
“She looks more like our father and I look more like our mother”, Sun says.
“How did you even get here”, the wolf asked. “Last I checked, the only way to get up here is through the celestial gate.”
“A portal pulled us in here”, Mei said.
“Ah, I see”, the wolf said. “Those would be realm portals. They tend to pop up every now and then.”
“Can you get us home”, Mk asked.
“Well, you can’t go through the celestial gate”, the wolf said. “But there is a way to get you all back on earth. Follow me.” The wolf leads the trio to a wall. The wolf waves her hands in the shape of a moon and a portal opens. “There you go: one portal back to Earth.”
“Thank you”, Mei says. She runs over to the portal and goes through. Sun does the same.
“I guess I’ll see you soon, Mk”, the wolf said. As Mk was about to walk through the portal, he stops, turns around and asks, “What’s your name?” The gray wolf looked at Mk for a moment and smiled.
“Mischief. Mischief Wukong”, she said. Mk smiled and said while waving his arm, “I’ll see you soon, Mischief!” Mk runs through the portal while Mischief waves goodbye. Mischief, the gray wolf, looked at the wall for a moment and then walked back to her home. While she walked, a blue light whispered into her ear.
He’s the one….

Two young cheetah girls run to the front of a traditional, yet modern, Chinese house supported by a platform. 

“Do you think she’s here”, one of them asks.
“I don’t see her”, the other said. From the right side of the building, Mischief opens a sliding door. The twins smile and say, “Mischief”, In unison. Mischief looks over and smiles when she sees Clock Wise and Wise Clock.
“Hello you two”, she says, walking down the steps to the fence where the twins hunh off. “What brings you here?”
“We were playing in the forest, but we found something”, Clock Wise said.
“What is it”, Mischief asked.
“We don’t know”, Wise Clock answered. “But it was black, and it was covering the mushrooms and trees.”
“Black? Can you take me to where you saw it”, Mischief asked. Clock Wise and Wise Clock take Mischief’s hands and lead her into the west of the forest. Clock wise and Wise Clock point over to the tree covered in the black substance. Mischief walks over to the black covered tree and leans down on one knee. She looks at the black substance and her blood runs cold.
“Mischief? What is it?”
“Clock Wise. Wise Clock. Go home and don’y come back until I tell you it’s safe”, Mischief says. Clock Wise and Wise Clock nod their hands and run back to their home. Mischief gets up and summons her claw-like weapon. Black-like mist rolls in and stops at the infected tree. Mischief walks to the right side of the tree and yells, “Show yourself! You are in the domain of luck and misfortune!” Mischief stood in her defensive stance waiting for a attack. She narrows her eyes in agitation; her pupils becoming slits.
“So it is you. At last we meet again, Embodiment of Luck and Misfortune.” Mischief’s hair stood as she slowly looked behind her to see a bug-like demon smiling demonically at her. Mischief’s point-of-view goes dark.

The moon from above started to disappear from the rain clouds rolling in. Its brilliant light slowly becomes nothing but a dark shadow. Tang looked up at the sky as the rain started to come down. 

“I don’t think It’s gonna stop raining”, Tang says, walking back inside.
“I don’t remember the forecast saying it would rain today”, Pigsy pointed out.
“Well, what can you do”, Mei said. She looked over at Mk, looking up at the sky. She walks over to him and asks, “Are you still thinking about Mischief?”
“I don’t know why, but when I looked at her, it looked like she was in pain”, Mk said. He looks over at Sun and asks, “How come you never told me you had a sister?”
“You never asked”, Sun said. “And Mischief doesn’t associate with anyone outside her domain.”
“Right….” Mk looked out into the rain and saw a person walking to the entrance gate. But the person wasn’t normal. They had wolf-like ears and a wolf-like tale. A thunderbolt struck through the sky and showed Mischief hurt and beaten. Mischief looks up with her gold eyes as the lightning strikes through the sky and she mouths, “Help me….” Mischief falls to the ground. Mk and the others run over and help Mischief into the sanctuary. They lay Mischief up ugenst a wall.
“Mischief, What happened”, Mk asks with concern.
“He’s back….”
“Who”, Sun asked.
“The demon king”, Mischief answered in a hurt voice. “He’s the king of all demons on Earth and hell.” Mischief lifts herself up and walks over to the opening. “The embodiment of harmony banished him to the Lunar realm.”
“How did he get out”, Tang asks.
“I don’t know”, Mischief says. “He shouldn’t have been able to escape. He’s in the celestial realm, trying to destroy it.”
“Why?”
“Revenge, Sun”, Mischief says in annoyance. “He wants to destroy the celestial realm for what the embodiment of Harmony did. Mk, Sun, you two are the only ones who can destroy him.” Mk looks at Sun and says, “We have to go.”
“Mk, I don’t think this is–”, Before Sun could say another word, Mk interrupted and said, “This is your home we’re talking about! Mischief can't fight The Demon King. We have to.” Sun looks at Mk and then Mischief. He could see a lost and conflicted look on her face. He knew how much Mischief dedicated her life to protect the celestial realm. It was her home. It was his home too. He wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to the celestial realm. Sun sighed and said, “Alright. Me and Mk will deal with The Demon King.”
“I can take you to the celestial realm”, Mischief says. She takes one step but holds her arm in pain. Tang and Pigsy held Mischief up to her feet. “I’m fine. I can still lead you there.”
“No, you can’t”, Sun says. “Stay here and rest. We have more than one way to get to the celestial realm.”
“I’ll go with you”, Mei says.
“Be careful”, Mischief says. Sun looks at Mischief and puts his forehead to hers.
“I promise, I’ll come back”, Sun said. He looked at Mischief one last time before creating his cloud. Mk and Mei jump on and the three of them fly to the celestial realm.
“Please be safe…”
“They’ll be fine, Mischief”, Sandy says. Mischief looks up into the sky and thinks, “I hope you're right.”

The trio fly down to the ground and look around to see the trees and ground in a darken state. The trees were nothing more than shadow, and the ground was a dark shade of purple. 

“What happened here”, Mk wondered.
“I’m not sure”, Sun responded. “But this isn’t Mischief domain anymore. It’s not supposed to be like this.” Mei looks over and sees a trail of darkness leading to the upper side of the forest.
“Looks like the dark energy is going upward”, Mei says, pointing to the upper forest.
“Then let’s not waste any time”, Mk says.

The trio make it up to the forest edge and look around. Sun and Mk’s hair stands. They look behind them and see three glowing red eyes looking at them. Mei looks back to see Sun and Mk in a worried state. 

“You two alright?” Mei looked in their direction and saw a red face. The demon growled and charged up the hill.
“Run!” The trio run to the open hill. The Demon King whips one of his tales around and hits the trio back into the forest. Mei hits the ground while Sun and Mk both hit trees. Mk looks up and sees Sun in pain.
“So that useless embodiment sent you here”, The Demon King said, a demonic laughter following after. Mk lifts himself up and takes out his staff. The Demon King looks down at Mk and says, “The staff of Ra? Oh you have got to be kidding m–” Mk jumps up to The Demon King’s face and hits the top of his head. The Demon King holds his head in pain.
“What in infernos throne?!” Mk hits The Demon King back and he falls on his side. Mk goes for the finishing blow when The Demon King uses his over sized claws to pin him to the ground. “I have faced warlords, kings, and gods, and this is what I face? To think you could have been more than what you are now.”
“MK!”
“Mischief?” Mk gets up with what little strength he has left and looks up to see Mischief ghost-like rendition. “H-How? Are you dead?” Mischief rolls her eyes and shops the top of Mk’s head.
“I’m not dead”, Mischief exclaims. “It's an astral projection.”
“O-Oh.” Mischief looks to the left and snaps her head up to see The Demon King.
“Is that The Demon King? He wasn’t this big when I saw him”, Mischief says.
“I thought you fought him like this”, Mk said.
“No”, Mischief exclaimed. The ground from below starts to rumble. “There’s not much time. Mk, I can give you my power for a short amount of time, but you have to make the last strike count.”
“Are you sure?”
“You're more powerful than you think. If you can master Monkie King’s power, then you can handle mine”, Mischief says, holding Mk’s hands in her own. She lets go of his hands and takes a few steps back and moves her hands in the kanji moon. “Your will becomes strength, and my will becomes your power.” Blue and silver magic flows into Mk’s being. His staff turned blue. Mk’s eyes glow a brilliant blue and he looks up at The Demon King. “Now, Finish him off!!!” The Demon King looks down in confusion and sees Mk covered in a blue mist like magic.
“What?!” Mk jumps up and punches The Demon King multiple times and pins him down to the ground.
“This ends now!!!” Mk dashes down and destroys The Demon King in one strike. The Demon King looks over to Mk in a weakened state and thinks, “So the moon has chosen their champion…..” Mk lands on the ground and holds his head. The blue and silver magic flies off of Mk and returns to Mischief’s astral form.
“You did well”, Mischief said. She looks up and sees the sky start to become a light blue. She smiles and says, “Thank you, Monkie Kid. I'll see you back on Earth.” With that said, Mischief’s astral projection fades away.
“Mk!” Mk looks back to see Sun and Mei run up to him.
“Are you two okay”, Mk asks.
“Aside from the hurting back, I think we’re good”, Sun says.
“You fought The Demon King without me”, Mei projects.
“Sorry”, Mk continued, “It was happening so fast that I didn’t really think.”
“At Least The Demon King is gone”, Sun says. “Let’s go home.”

Sun raps up the last of Mischief cuts. 

“That should do it”, Sun says.
“Mischief, is there a reason you where on earth”, Mk asked.
“Yeah, I was wondering that too”, Sun says. “You never leave your domain unless it’s to see the council of balance.” Mischief looks away and sighs.
“Well, Since you did save the celestial realm, you deserve to know why I was on Earth”, Mischief says. “I didn’t come to earth to fight a demon. That day, when we met, I was looking for an apprentice.” Sun blinks a few times and says, “An apprentice? Are you sure The Demon King didn’t knock your brains loss?”
“I mean it, Sun”, Mischief says. “I was going to travel outside the city, but when I saw you, Mk, your power was far more powerful than I thought. Mk, I have chosen you to be my apprentice.”
“Hold Up!” Sun hugs Mk in a protective manner and says, “You are not taking Mk to the celestial realm! And plus, Mk already has a mentor: Me.” Mischief rolls her eyes, pushes Sun’s nose and says, “I don’t plan on taking Mk to the celestial realm, you goof. I plan on staying here on earth and at night, I will train Mk. And plus, the celestial realm has gotten a bit stale. You have room for one more?”

Mk’s hand glows a soft red from magic. Mischief’s crest appears and hovers on Mk’s back. Once the spell is done, the crest fades away. 

“That’s it? Mk is your apprentice now”, Mei asks.
“Yes”, Mischief says. “He is now my apprentice. What were you expecting?”
“A light show”, Mei answers.
“ Sorry to disappoint you.”
“Are you sure you're okay with this, Monkie King”, Mk asks, holding his right hand with his left.
“I’m cool”, Sun says.
“Don’t you mean hot”, Mischief teased. She laughed and Sun chased after her.

A being covered in shadows and mist looks at several maps with multiple dates on the top left corner. A red light whispers in the beings leopard ear. The being laughs and says, “So she’s finally chosen an apprentice. This changes nothing. I will have my revenge, and the moon will pay for what she did to me.” 

Here is the first chapter of Monkie Kid: Animal Fury. After seeing the fifth trailer of Monkie Kid season 5, I gave me the boost I needed to work on my AU story.
Monkie Kid: Animal Fury takes place in between season 1, and 2 of Monkie Kid.
Summary: As the journey begins, Mk meets Mischief, the little sister of Monkie King, Sun Wukong and their fate become intertwined.

This is going to be a long one but I’m going to try and give as much detail as I can.
My BF and I, Jeremy, have been long distance for four years. One of the first things that was mentioned when we started dating is that we would eventually have to move- whether that be one it both of us.
The relationship was fantastic and at the year mark, while visiting him, I decided that I would move to him. This would be cross country, going from west coast to east coast. Additionally, I would have to sell my house.
At the time, fall of 2021, I decided that I would move in the spring of 2023. This was the plan. I was looking into houses in Jeremy’s area. I had talked to my work and they would allow me to work remotely from there.
Everything was going according to plan until fall 2022. While I was visiting Jeremy, i was working remotely and I found out the company had been bought and I no longer had a job. This obviously created many problems in the plan.
For some background information, I’m on the west coast. I own a house and have the things one would need in a house. Jeremy lives with his parents (which isn’t a bad thing) on the east coast. He had moved in with his parents when he got out of a previous 7 year relationship in a different city. He moved back to his home town and has been there since. He had looked into getting his own place, but with my move being planned, it seemed silly to get an apartment when we were going to buy a house. Now back to the problem.
I lost my job in September 2022. I instantly was applying for jobs, in both my area and Jeremy’s area. Finally, in December 2022, I landed a kick ass job. This is a corporate position in my field, paying me very good money to do something I love and enjoy immensely. It’s one of those you’ll have this job for life jobs.
Instantly told Jeremy about accepting the job. He was excited, for about 30 seconds, then was mad and questioning what would happen with moving. There was an argument and skip to 6 months later we’re still long distance. I finally bring up that with my job, he’d have to move to me.
Around summer of 2023, the distance was being brought up a lot. The stated goal was that he would move by the end of the year. That gave plenty of time to work through and obstacles. In October of 2023, he found out he has an office literally down the street from my work. As such, he starts working on a transfer to that office. In November, he finds out that if he stays through the end of the year, he has a 15k bonus at work he will get. Obviously, a couple months isn’t that big of a deal, so we agree after the first of the year. The timeline at this point is before March 1st.
We get to December and I’m not hearing anything about the transfer. I have to ask for updates, which is like pulling teeth, and the response is that the man in the west coast office ghosted him, but Jeremy is still holding onto hope as he loves his job.
Skip to just after the new year, 2024. I ask what’s going on and I’m not really told much. I ask what the plan is and I’m told nothing. It’s the same unreliable, wishy-washy statements he’d been saying for a while. I state that he has till March 1st to be here.
Background Info: At this point we had been arguing a lot. There was never an initiative or an excitement from him. When I was going to move, we would talk about houses and I would bring up jobs and things about the city. Jeremy doesn’t do this. He wouldn’t bring things up. He would say if he was applying for jobs. I got no information ever. I was just in limbo constantly.
We get to February and I’m consistently saying that he has till March 1st. And this is like an every other day it’s being said. I’m tired of being apart and I want us to physically be together. Valentine’s Day rolls around and I bring up March 1st. Jeremy says that he can’t be there by then. That’s in two weeks.
At this point, I completely lost my cool. It was not 2 weeks when it was said months prior. We argued over the weekend and the following week I broke up with Jeremy, well we went on a week break.
I truly believe this is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. My future is only him. Our kids, our life, that’s what I see. Still, I asked for the break. On the last day of the break, I come home to see, you guessed it, Jeremy.
Although he was there, I was livid. It took all of this yelling and arguing, and going on a break, to get this man to decide to be in the same state as me. The week was an awkward tense week as anytime we talked it was just me crying and trying to explain what was happening in my mind. And the truth of it is I was overwhelmed with emotions. The fact that it took a break for him to realize how serious I was about needing him here, and that’s what got him here? Not my love for him, or the life we would have together.
On his last day, he gives me a birthstone ring. He says that he should have done things like this sooner and more frequently. I point out that, if not for the distance, he probably would. But because we’re not around each other really ever, he doesn’t think of these things.
After that week break, I ended the relationship. I knew that he would truly not take me seriously if this didn’t happen, and Jeremy agreed with that.
We’re now 2 months past the breakup. Jeremy and I have been talking. We’ve talked about our issues, relating to the move and others. 90% of the problems we have with the relationship revolve around us not being together. We don’t do anything as a couple and, to this day, we’ve never been on a date. These things can’t just be fixed with him moving, but that does help the situation.
Here’s the advice I need. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I want to work on these things with this man, but in Jeremy’s words, he wants to make sure we’re in a happy and good place to ensure things are okay going forward.
What does that mean? From my point of view, I have been clear, for years, about these things. I need him here. I like to do things together. Dates are a good thing to do. All of the problems we had have had been brought up multiple times over years. And if he were here these problems literally wouldn’t exist.
I don’t know if I should just sit here and wait. I didn’t want to wait past March 1st, and at this point, it seems like it’d been another year before Jeremy would feel okay to move. I understand there are things to be worked on, but how does 2 months of a breakup equate to another year of “working on things”?
I do understand what he’s saying, but I don’t know how to explain my part. I’m in limbo. I’ve been here for years. I can’t move forward with my life because he’s not here. In my opinion, if he truly wanted to be here, sometime in the last four years, why would he have not shown up by now? My mind is broken because I want this man in my life. He truly is everything to me. And even though he wants that too, he wants time to go over things and make sure we’re okay.
Jeremy said we could take the week to decide what we want and how to move forward. And that was could talk about it on Saturday. I don’t have any idea what to say or what to respond with. Help.

Hi everyone,
Just for full disclosure I am currently carnivore (did half a year carnivore, few months AB, now back to carnivore, all for health reasons).
Anyway, I have a little bit of meat fatigue if I'm honest and just really wanting some variation to keep me sane. The couple months A.B. did help with that somewhat, but not entirely, and my gut wasn't responding well to carbs.
I thought at this point my cravings for regular foods would be gone but... they're not.
I miss r_ce (apparently that word is banned lol) potatoes, tomatoes, curries, etc. etc. It would be a very long list lol.
So two questions:

1. Would the occasional cheat meal, where I ate a relatively "healthy" food that I am craving be much of an issue? I do have gut and autoimmune issues but when I say occasional I mean maybe once a month, or fortnight. I used to make a thing that was basically just onions, garlic, bell peppers and tomatoes with r_ce and bacon and it was my favourite thing ever.
2. Let's say the above is a bad idea even occasionally - are there any recipes with low-toxic, animal-based foods that aren't just... meat and avocado, meat and fruit, meat and bananas. I guess I'm craving flavour and texture - sauces, crunchy onions, etc. I saw those miracle kojac noodles and thought maybe I could use them for something, idk.

Any thoughts appreciated thanks!
P.S. One other element to this is that I might have mast-cell activation, and I notice that if I don't eat a food for a long time, my reaction when I do eat it again is way worse, so I wonder if retaining the ability to digest a variety of foods might actually be a good thing, in small quantities.

So let me start out. I am so happy to have seen baby's heartbeat today. It was as beautiful as I could have expected.
Now here comes the hard part...my husband has been having blood when he wipes after he poops for the past three weeks. We went to urgent care the other night and they said it is probably~ internal hemorrhoids (they couldn't see any on the outside) so they gave him a suppository and referred him to a GI.
I know I am being crazy, but I can't stop crying. I am so scared. We are finally getting the family that we always wanted and the anxiety of something happening to him is destroying me. I know that a lot of this is pregnancy hormones, but the anxiety feels so real and it's stopping me from being excited. One of the side effects I was already having was extreme emotions, this certainly hasn't helped.
I literally have to make it to 4 pm EST when he has his appointment today, but I am struggling. Does anyone have any advice? Words of wisdom?