Mo

By Copious Garlic Bread (not putting my irl name here for privacy)
Era 0
Suicide Mo
In the second floor of a 5-story apartment complex lay the utterly fucked body of a man that looked, somewhat comically, identical to Richard Nixon. Mind you this wasn’t Richard Nixon at all but rather some man who happened to look a lot like him. This is not a form of symbolism, I just thought I might mention it.
Non-Nixon’s head was, for all intents and purposes, not present. It may be strange to give someone the attribute of Nixon-like if you can’t even see their face but the police has identified the man, and back in the times when he was alive and had a face he did indeed, look like Richard Nixon.
Non-Nixon killed himself approximately 2 weeks ago give or take, with the help of a 12 gauge. It’s doubtful he experienced pain for long before the lights went out. However I wouldn’t know this because I haven’t killed myself yet, pretty apparent by me writing this manuscript you fucking shithead. While the police took like 30 minutes to get there and found his ID almost immediately, a little DNA testing doesn’t hurt. Very quickly, the case was ruled out as a suicide. They had been correct.
Non-Nixon’s brains were splattered across several corners of the room. One of the strandules kinda looked like a weiner which made one of the blaséd crime scene cleaners have a hearty little giggle. The landchad that owned the complex wasn’t too happy about the holes in the ceiling.
In the second floor of a 5-story apartment complex, at around 9:08 PM EDT, Non-Nixon shot himself in the head with a 12 gauge shotgun because life wasn’t going quite well. No-one really cared but the people that lived in the apartment complex bought him some plastic flowers and someone put a cross at his door and another even laminated a google slide memorial for him to tape at his door which was promptly taken down once the landlord figured out all the shit he caused with the lease. Non-Nixon did not have any living family or friends, and no real funeral was held.
In the second floor of a 5-story apartment complex, at around 9:08 PM EDT, Non-Nixon shot himself in the head with a 12 gauge shotgun because life wasn’t going quite well. As his head was split apart like sticky, undercooked pancake batter in a pan, his synapses fired one last time, trying to make sense of things that couldn’t be made sense of. Frequently-traveled thought patterns struggled to make a whole cohesive thought when they were flying towards shitty drywall at mach 10. Despite this, Non-Nixon birthed a brief existence before the lights went out. An entire universe emerged and died, because that's the only thing that he could make sense of in the fleeting moments of hyperawareness.
When Non-Nixon killed himself, it, for a brief place in time, rented out the throne of God.
Era 1
Birth
𒀭 (Diĝir) was taking a ridiculously fat fucking piss in the innerwall northwesteast bathroom. He was actually pretty surprised that the stream didn’t cut through the porcelain like a cheese wire through a malleable butter. Needless to say the little urinal sponge did not survive the offensive.
𒀭 walked out. 𒀭 did not wash his hands, the dirty fucking animal. Not like he could even if he wanted to, the plumbing was shitted to 3 weeks from Sunday, not enough funding was going into building upkeep.
𒀭 arrived to class. It’s his first day here so as per usual in the life experience of all, traversing an unknown campus tends to take up time people generally do not have.
𒀭 reached out his hand to open the door, but it opened before him. This is because he was going to open the door anyways, so the door didn’t see why it should bother waiting for him, especially given his tardiness.
As the door opened and 𒀭 entered, several students in the lecture hall glanced over to him in a reaction to the door opening, and promptly recalibrated their attentions to the lecturer, who in lieu of the students glanced over at 𒀭 as well. He annoyedly ordered 𒀭 to sit down, to which he began traversing to the closest unused seat.
It took 𒀭 972 months to reach his seat.
By the time 𒀭 reached his seat, class has long since ended. In fact, not only has class ended, but the college in which 𒀭 was enrolled in has seen its demolition, firstly bombed, then from the rubble arose an apartment complex, which was bombed again. The lecturer’s desk remained, as did the lecturer himself.
“𒀭, please take no more steps. You’ve shown me you aren’t effective at traversal” said the lecturer.
𒀭 felt shamed yet angered at the absurdity. “Sir- I believe you saw me approach the nearest desk. I do not understand why it took me such a long time but I was on the fastest available route” said 𒀭.
“And yet it took you 972 months to do so. Not to mention your tardiness in general isn’t a good look. Look around you, the university doesn’t even exist anymore. We stand among rubble” said the lecturer.
“I do not understand”, said 𒀭.
“And neither do I. You and I exist in 0 dimensions. It should take you non-time to arrive anywhere, really” said the lecturer.
“This is my first time on campus. I don’t have any previous reference of the layout” said 𒀭.
“I reinstate, traversal in 0 dimensions is trivial. Literally just arrive” said the lecturer.
“How does one simply arrive if it takes time to walk to a location?” said 𒀭.
The lecturer took an amusing sort of astonishment from the stupidity of the student. A freshman at university, especially one as hard to get into as this one, is absolutely a peculiar sight.
“I believe you may be asking the wrong question. We do not exist on a one, a two dimensional plane- nor one of three, four, or more. In fact dimensional space does not exist in the way you’d think it should. Therefore arriving anywhere is an instantaneous process given that there’s no real space to traverse. Your non-acquaintance with our campus does not hinder this process. Just arrive to class. Preferably in the time in which the class still exists” said the lecturer.
“That doesn’t explain why it took me 972 months to reach my desk when I was already inside the lecture hall” said 𒀭.
“Well, obviously reaching a place that's further away from oneself takes more time. Not that long, though” said the lecturer.
𒀭 stood on-top the shiny vinyl plank floor, rendered unreflective by the dusts of once-pink insulate and finely mashed concrete. He thought about the logistics of what the lecturer set forth. T
he lecturer bent over, his back cracking and him emitting a discomforting grunt of age. Behind the lecturer’s desk emerged his hand clutching his duffel bag full of whatever items lecturers tended to drag around.
“Have a nice day, 𒀭. I’d advise you to vacate the building, your enrollment period’s long gone. As is the university itself. I’m going home, my wife said she cooked me filet mignon tonight” said the lecturer.
The lecturer went home in an instant- as in a literal instant, clearly showing the trueness of the 0-dimensional traversal which he lectured to 𒀭. At the same time, 𒀭 had no trouble at all seeing him slowly shamble and awkwardly step over haphazardly placed miscellaneous chunks of was-university and was-apartmentcomplex and head down the street, and into the metro station adjacent to the rubble building. As 𒀭 stayed stood, an air raid siren slowly picked up its wail which was the final prompter telling 𒀭 to get moving.
In an instant, or maybe it took a couple years, 𒀭 left the debris.

How do I (F19) deal with a fight that occurred with my bf (M20)?
Recently, me (F19) and my bf (M20) of 2.5 years are both done with finals and decided to go to a park and get ice cream and catch up a bit more since we haven’t spent a lot of physical time together. I am also leaving for an internship to help me with med school in a few days so I wanted to make sure that I spent a lot of time with him before I left. He picks me up and he talks about how he feels like he doesn’t have everything figured out and feels behind when comparing himself to others in his age group, he also wants to pursue an M.D. He was also speeding, slammed the brakes, and honked that the other car for no reason. I reassured him and it seemed like he was getting hangry so we stopped to get some food.
Then after we went to the park, we we’re having a good time. Fast forward, he gets a call from his mom about car troubles. He didn’t know when to change the oil in his car and his mom was explaining the process to him and he thought she was saying that, in his own words, “he was stupid and doesn’t know how to do anything” I tried to reassure him and tell him that she just wants him to know to check his oil. He then hangs up on her and I told him to call her back because what he did was rude. He then calls her back and says, “because of when the majority told me, I called you back” and I thought that was even more rude! I don’t know what his mom said, but he just told me to get to the car to drop me off. We get in the car and he was speeding again. I don’t remember exactly what was said then but he was stressed about the car and changing the oils, he then almost hit another car and began to punch the steering wheel. I told him that he needs to pull over and we found a parking spot. I told him that he needs to calm down because this is not safe.
He then tells me because he doesn’t have his metal music on he’s acting this way since I don’t like that genre of music. I told him that if he had on he would still act this way and he has before every time he’s upset in the car. I was thinking to myself, just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to tell you to not play it in your own car. He then starts yelling at me about how he always does things with music since middle school. At this point I started to just say, “I don’t care” I know I should’ve said something better but when people yell at me I’m not going to yell at you back and I will just stonewall because that’s something I don’t tolerate and we have had multiple conversations that I do not tolerate yelling. Then told me to get the f out and I did, I started to break down and the only thing I could say was f you to him and I got out. I pulled out my phone and began to order an Uber. He then yelled at me again and then sped off.
I was lucky enough that I was at a location I was familiar with and went inside a Walmart to wait for my ride. As soon as I was inside I started to block him on everything. His mom called me and asked if I needed a ride and I told her that I already got one. She followed up the question with saying that, “he’s melting down” and “doesn’t want to lose me.” Additionally, “he has ADHD so it’s hard for him to interpret emotions and everything that’s going on” however she was also saying that she’s been in similar situations so she can empathize with me but he’s not making excuses for him?
I just thanked her for calling and told her I just need some space. This isn’t the first time he did this. The last time he was speeding and I told him that I felt unsafe and he stopped the car and told me to go, it was late at night but luckily I was in my neighborhood to walk back home. I don’t know how I can navigate/put up with this? If I should talk to him before I leave for my internship since it’s out of state? I know I’m in the wrong for saying f him and saying I didn’t care. I just want to know what do I do now? I’m too out of sorts to actually determine if it’s just a really bad fight or not so I’m out sourcing.
TLDR: Boyfriend is stressed about that future and recklessly driving in the process. When other issues are involved he also gets stressed which leads to another instance of speeding. Then when trying to intervene it leads to him yelling, something I don’t tolerate and he yells at me to get out of the car and speeds off. I had to find other ways of transportation and want to know what to do now?

I was reading some texts by Foyan when he mentioned Seng-ts'an and his writings. I decided to share and comment on the whole poem which is called Hsin Hsin Ming. The poem is huge, so buckle up!
On having no preferences.

The Perfect Way is only difficult for those who pick and choose; Do not like, do not dislike; all will then be clear. Make a hairbreadth difference, and Heaven and Earth are set apart; If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between "for" and "against" is the mind's worst disease; While the deep meaning is misunderstood, it is useless to meditate on Rest. It [the Buddha-nature] is blank and featureless as space; it has no "too little" or "too much;" Only because we take and reject does it seem to us not to be so.

If you support and objectify something outside yourself, that is already a preference. And then you will reject any view that denies your view of truth. However if you do not have such an object to look towards, what will you do? What would it look like not to fight against another view?
On taking things as they are.

Do not chase after Entanglements as though they were real things, Do not try to drive pain away by pretending that it is not real; Pain, if you seek serenity in Oneness, will vanish of its own accord. Stop all movement in order to get rest, and rest will itself be restless; Linger over either extreme, and Oneness is for ever lost. Those who cannot attain to Oneness in either case will fail: To banish Reality is to sink deeper into the Real; Allegiance to the Void implies denial of its voidness.

There is no use to clean your glasses with your own fingers, it will only smudge them more. By trying to fabricate states or change your current state hoping to have a nicer experience, you will only get further estranged from yourself. By reacting to emotions, you will create even more emotions. Why force rest or peace? Why prefer something more real? How can something other than this experience be more real?
On intellectualization.

The more you talk about It, the more you think about It, the further from It you go; Stop talking, stop thinking, and there is nothing you will not understand. Return to the Root and you will find the Meaning; Pursue the Light, and you will lose its source, Look inward, and in a flash you will conquer the Apparent and the Void. For the whirligigs of Apparent and Void all come from mistaken views;

This reminds of the monk who got to go on a walk with his master and they watched the sunset together. At one point the monk could not help himself and said "How beautiful!". His master never allowed him to go on a walk with him. Of course, this is an extreme case, but by expressing / looking for the beauty in words, it is no longer the same beauty. It is, as if, examined by one and no longer of-itself.
On duality of "Is" and "Isn't".

There is no need to seek Truth; only stop having views. Do not accept either position [Assertion and Negation], examine it or pursue it; At the least thought of "Is" and "Isn't" there is chaos and the Mind is lost. Though the two exist because of the One, do not cling to the One; Only when no thought arises are the Dharmas without blame. No blame, no Dharmas; no arising, not thought.

From the One Mind are born "this" or "that". It can flower in any direction, but don't consider it your own and see it as an arbitrary view.
On me and you.

The doer vanishes along with the deed, The deed disappears when the doer is annihilated. The deed has no function apart from the doer; The doer has no function apart from the deed. The ultimate Truth about both Extremes is that they are One Void. In that One Void the two are not distinguished; Each contains complete within itself the Ten Thousand Forms.

One void, not two, not me, not you. So tell me, who knows more than others? Who has views that others don't see? Who argues with another?
On having no fixed path.

Only if we boggle over fine and coarse are we tempted to take sides. In its essence the Great Way is all embracing; It is as wrong to call it easy as to call it hard. Partial views are irresolute and insecure, Now at a gallop, now lagging in the rear. Clinging to this or to that beyond measure The heart trusts to bypaths that lead it astray. Let things take their own course; know that the Essence will neither go nor stay; Let your nature blend with the Way and wander in it free from care.

Only a fool would try to put a nail in the sky. What is subtle and what is surface understanding? There is a point where they no longer mean anything separately. What then? When things are seen for what they are, as appearances in the One Mind, all boundaries begin to crumble. In nature some branches grow short, some long, all is the body of Buddha.
On splitting the hair in half.

Thoughts that are fettered turn from Truth, Sink into the unwise habit of "not liking." "Not liking" brings weariness of spirit; estrangements serve no purpose. If you want to follow the doctrine of the One, do not rage against the World of the Senses. Only by accepting the World of the Senses can you share in the True Perception. Those who know most, do least; folly ties its own bonds. In the Dharma there are no separate dharmas, only the foolish cleave To their own preferences and attachments.

Don't sit in your meditation or emptiness and reject everything. Don't sit with your Zen texts and reject what is not in your Zen texts. There is One Dharma and it manifests as all. Estrange yourself from your perceptions and senses and you will estrange yourself from the One Dharma.
On no differentiation.

To use Thought to devise thoughts, what more misguided than this? Ignorance creates Rest and Unrest; Wisdom neither loves nor hates. All that belongs to the Two Extremes is inference falsely drawn- A dream-phantom, a flower in the air. Why strive to grasp it in the hand? "Is" and "Isn't," gain and loss banish once for all: If the eyes do not close in sleep there can be no evil dreams; If the mind makes no distinctions all Dharmas become one.

I see this as river, it does not look for the best course, it just flows into the best course. It does not blame rocks for being in the way, it just goes over them. What do you blame? What is it that you want to accomplish and what is it that stands in your way?
On the end of complication.

Let the One with its mystery blot out all memory of complications. Let the thought of the Dharmas as All-One bring you to the So-in-itself. Thus their origin is forgotten and nothing is left to make us pit one against the other. Regard motion as though it were stationary, and what becomes of motion? Treat the stationary as though it moved, and that disposes of the stationary. Both these having thus been disposed of, what becomes of the One?

When you wake up from a dream in the morning, it instantly becomes unreal. In the same way, when all subjective complications are forgotten once and for all, the only flow of existence is revealed to have never ceased. Eternally This, ever flowing.
On freedom.

At the ultimate point, beyond which you can go no further, You get to where there are no rules, no standards, To where thought can accept Impartiality, To where effect of action ceases, Doubt is washed away, belief has no obstacle. Nothing is left over, nothing remembered; Space is bright, but self-illumined; no power of mind is exerted. Nor indeed could mere thought bring us to such a place. Nor could sense or feeling comprehend it. It is the Truly-so, the Transcendent Sphere, where there is neither He nor I.
For swift converse with this sphere use the concept "Not Two;" In the "Not Two" are no separate things, yet all things are included. The wise throughout the Ten Quarters have had access to this Primal Truth; For it is not a thing with extension in Time or Space; A moment and an aeon for it are one. Whether we see it for fail to see it, it is manifest always and everywhere. The very small is as the very large when boundaries are forgotten; The very large is as the very small when its outlines are not seen.

Thusness is the place of non-abiding. No one does the non-abiding so we can say that it happens of itself. This is the freedom that is sought after through endless kalpas of thoughts and emotions. Who would have thought that even thoughts and emotions are of themselves, part of it.
William Blake says:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour. 

On the futility of words and trusting the Heart.

Being is an aspect of Non-being; Non-being is an aspect of Being. In climes of thought where it is not so the mind does ill to dwell. The One is none other than the All, the All none other than the One. Take your stand on this, and the rest will follow of its own accord; To trust in the Heart is the Not Two, the Not Two is to trust in the Heart. I have spoken, but in vain; for what can words tell Of things that have no yesterday, tomorrow or today?

Here we meet the paradox of being and non being, of using words to describe the word-less. What does it really mean to trust the Heart? We cannot convey that in any direct way using language. To be honest, we cannot convey much directly using language. Seeing things as not two, or not separate is to have trust in the Heart, or to put it in another way, not closing yourself off via intellectual analysis or emotional reactions is to have trust in the Heart. What is your take on all of this?

First off let me state that I'm a straight guy.
I was about to spill a lot of details about my history, but you all don't need that.
Basically, I just want some advice on how to advocate for women's issues without dishing out similar stereotypes against my own gender.
I REALLY hate to bring this subject up, but the "Man vs Bear" was a perfect example. Like, women feeling safe is a big issue to me, and one of my main insecurities is that I would make women feel unsafe.
But this is also why I just couldn't get past all the stereotypes about what the average man is like, the erroneous statistics or assumptions, and the arguments that just really wouldn't fly in any other context. It amplified my exact insecurity, and I can't talk about that without being "the problem".
When a message about women feeling unsafe is tied with stereotypes of men, you can't defend men without it sounding like gaslighting women. And you can't defend women without doubling down on stereotypes about men.
I feel like I run into that conundrum all the time. I didn't think about it too much until I faced horrible rumors, then false accusations, then death threats and (technically) an assault, by a group of women who didn't want me joining theatre in college.
And there were eerily familiar comments. "Well you must have been intimidating them." "I mean, what do you expect trying to join theatre? That's on you." "Women don't lie about this stuff. If they say these things, we should assume they are true unless you can prove otherwise."
And it really twisted the knife after when some of the women's groups I was in would say things like "Maybe innocent men SHOULD go to prison. As a man, there's no way he was truly innocent in the situation."
And then I had a manipulative/abusive girlfriend who would always have me apologizing for everything, then say I deserve it "because of what your gender does."
It's like....clearly something is messed up there. But I can't call it out because of this assumption that I have so much more control of the situation than I do. Or assuming that me calling out this stuff means I oppose women's issues.
I just want to be an ally to women without it being some walking apology destroying my self-esteem, or putting a target on my back.
I could probably use some advice from women's perspective on how to juggle this stuff.
EDIT: whelp, I did a bit of history spilling anyway.

TL;DR
I broke up with an avoidant partner whom I was nothing short of everything for. Will he regret his decision not trying hard to salvage what we had? Did he ever love me at all? For avoidants out there, do you ever look back and regret avoiding what you should have tried harder for?
Background
I (35M) just broke up with my boyfriend (29M) of 1.5 years. I've had 3-4 'dedicated' relationships in my life, lasting from 6 months to 2.5 years. I try to be a very introspective, growth minded individual. I am not perfect, I have my flaws. But this was the first relationship where I really, really gave it my all.
About me, about him
I have a naturally anxious attachment style, borderline avoidant. If something scares me, I grab tight. If it really scares me, I run. My ex was classic avoidant. He has moved from city to city, having been in several relationships that he leaves in his wake. He is a very selfish person, unable to bend for others without feeling like he needs to get something out of it too. He also uses people, consciously or subconsciously, to take what he can from them without offering anything back. Not just with me, but with his friends, family and those around him. It's something I never loved about him, and should have been red flags I stomped out from the gate, but alas..
There were several key moments that resulted in him hurting me: cheating, (even though we were in an open relationship, so you figure that one out), unable to support me emotionally at a basic level in a particularly hard moment in my life, even not wanting me to go to his mom's wedding in which his own mother invited me to.
We had amazing connection, great sex, similar hobbies and interests. He's extroverted, I'm introverted - both almost to a fault. I thought the beauty of our relationship was symbiotic: He pulled me out, I pulled him in. We spent a lot of time together, he was always present, and helpful in these small, tangible things that ultimately gave him validation for himself. It never really felt like he did something for anyone out of pure, unconditional kindness and love. Despite it all, I think he's a beautiful person that is on the road to improving himself, and with time and experience, will learn and be better than he is today. We all have to go through shit and grow.
What happened
The fatal flaw was he does not have his shit together. He is an emotional wreck - so to speak - who has spent his life avoiding challenges and problems. He is so privileged that he quit his job because it was too much work. He's able to live without one for over 9 months, constantly complaining about having to find work, and how he is getting rejected time and time again. His backup plan is to leave the country to go back to school, where he can focus on building his career. Selfishly, I never wanted that, but objectively, I think its best for him.
This had been a discussion (not even, because he wouldn't confront or talk about it) for about 5-6 months before the BU. The last few months felt us both pulling back, stop talking about future plans, etc. I still, though, thought that if this one problem could be fixed (find a job) he would get his fulfillment back, and we can continue to try to build the relationship. I have been nothing short of patient, helpful, understanding, as well as provided him the space he needs to figure things out.
However, his inability to communicate with me what he's thinking, leaving me in the dark, subconciosuly acting different, pulling back, began to show me he was slipping into that avoidant pattern I knew he had in him all along. I finally ended it, but still in love with him, hoped he would try to make it work. He didn't. He wants to be single, figure out his stuff and work on himself without the pressure of a relationship. He can freely decide what his next move is, without me being a consideration. This makes sense, but it's a hard pill to swallow, being that i never asked much of anything for him, and devoted a lot of time to helping him through these past 9 months in particular. He was so good for me in so many ways, but also so bad for me.
My question
I know there is no way anyone can tell me for sure, but do avoidant types like him ever regret these decisions? Or do they warp the story so far in their head that it becomes true for them, just to live with what they've lost? I just can't believe that despite how good I was to him, and how much he appreciated me and our time together, I am just another piece of collateral damage on his life's path.
I can objectively say this was for the best, but I can't help but feel angry that he never put in any effort to figure this thing out, and let external stress and factors that he is unable to confront ultimately tear us apart.

So Long story short I stumbled onto a Post by u/pigsonbroadway talking about their take on The Mollusk. and in that thread was a very rad post by u/alwayspolite1999 where they spun a very interesting full story to go with the album that really inspired me. I spent the last 3 hours typing up this response but i think the thread is locked because it wont let me comment. I will post my long thoughts about it here for anyone that might appreciate it. Stay cool yall.
Hey hey, I know I'm nearly 7 years late on this, but thank you for giving me a framework for a very rad hour long relaxing daydream. I changed a few things in my head from this plot but i think it's safe to say you've irrevocably altered this entire album for me. Well done mate.
I wanna share my take on it, just in case you're feeling it or someone else likes it.
I'm imagining a story a lot like yours, about a man growing up and dealing with processing trauma, finding love, and ultimately watching his child leave. I kinda cut the Narrator character and replaced him with a thematic recurring violent masculinity "character" of sorts, like no one character is to blame for the protagonist's continued trauma and misfortune. I couldn't help but also imagine it as a play, so here goes.

1. Dancing in the show tonight: A montage of sorts, with a young boy being raised by a mother and father, as the father slowly loses interest, neglects the child, and displays acts of violence, that are sometimes seen, but sometimes obfuscated from the boy by his mother. Eventually he experiences it directly at his father's hand. Blood/Violence, and subsequently the boy's traumatic thoughts, would be depicted with swirling red ribbons around him, fabric dancing about, etc, and these moments are all intrinsically tied to the ocean/beachside, where they live. By the end of the song, the boy's father gets on a boat and leaves the two on the beach, establishing a dreadful feeling for the viewer and character tied to the ocean. These events don't exactly suit the tone of DitST but that's part of the experience and ties into the ending.
   
2. The Mollusk: The boy, slightly older, finds a little mollusk, seeding some type of positive connection with the ocean that could counteract his trauma, and perhaps (foreshadowing ;) ) represent his ultimate positive reconciliation with the ocean. He is desperate for a father figure and finds himself spending time around a few these untrustworthy and unsavory seamen. Perhaps they are mocking the boy by the end, tossing the mollusk around. The boy gets the mollusk back eventually and takes it back to the beach and lets it go. I hate that the whimsical nature of The Mollusk lends itself so well to a dissonance like this. In a vacuum The Mollusk is a very peaceful lovely song.
   
3. Polka Dot Tail: The boy comes close to experiencing another traumatic situation, involving one of these drunken sailor men, but as you wrote, escapes and runs, trailed by the telltale red cloth setting in place further a lifelong discomfort/trauma response to the ocean. He returns home to his mother, who packs up everything and they move far away from the ocean, leaving their traumatic past behind, running somewhere.
   
4. Jonny on the Spot: A Montage of the boy, now older, working hard, helping his mother, exhausted, a young man but already turning to getting wasted, staying out late, and associating with the wrong people, filling a hole somewhere in his heart. Eventually he does crash his car, stumbling out onto the beach, anxious, and running into a nearby bar, looking back at his fucked up Chevy.
   
5. Mutilated Lips: A chaotic bar scene, surrounded my men, most outfits incorporating the color red somewhere. The Boy haunted by his pervasive trauma in this place. Until, while he's downing glasses, a waitress brushes his hand and sees his scratches, and meets his gaze. The drunkenness of course paints the scene as a merpeople atlantis ass underwater scene, bringing back ocean imagery to tie to the Boy's pain. The waitress has got some type of trauma as well, a cloth or ribbon or light effect (how do stage shows do mental effects like this? lol.) in her own color, let's say blue. They share a long passionate loving night together in her beachside shack, understand each other's pain and loneliness in a way the typical crowd at this seaside bar dont. They symbolize this my giving each other a piece of that fabric, trading blue for red. The blue and red cloth tangles and mingles in a new way and they're draped in purple, finding a peace.
   
6. The Blarney Stone: They return to the bar and the girl he met gets pulled into song and obnoxious drunken partying, the two young protagonists submerged in a loud, crass scene. She plays her usual role in this, though can't help but glance over at her new love. He starts to see her as part of this world, untouchable, so closely associated with this oceanic world of pain for him that he can't handle it. He panics and tries to leave, starting up his messed up car. She runs out to try to stop him but almost lashes out at her, realizing his aversion to this place and these people brings up too much agony, and associating her with that would be unfair to her, and he leaves. Realistically you dont fall in love with someone and run away in one night but it makes a good play.
   
7. It's Gonna be Alright: The Boy wanders out, into a warped undersea version of the previous beach scene with his crashed car. He kinda hits an emotional rock bottom after experiencing the first thing he could consider love or companionship and fucking it up, assumedly. He feels broken, and stares out over a deep dark chasm of fish and kelp and shit as he tries to convince himself he did the right thing, staying there all night. Meanwhile, throughout the song, the Girl goes back to her shack, looks at an old ring she keeps in a box, and by the end of the song, while Boy finds himself in the darkest place, she takes the ring and goes out to the beach, seeing a ship approach as she holds it.
   
8. The Golden Eel: A majestic Golden Eel appears to the Boy, it comes to him in... a vision? A mental realization? a spiritual awakening? He's face to face with this beautiful creature. Slowly all his red cloth is taken from him. It's wound up by the eel and wrapped around him, turning to his new outfit, the red effect that represents the trauma replaced by a strengthened gold cloth resolve that now accompanies him. The Eel swims away. He wakes up on the beach (we drop the underwater imagery here) and finds the Girl's blue scarf tucked into his jacket, and jumps up and starts running back. (mirroring the scene earlier with him as a child running away on the beach, but this time he's in control, running towards something.) He gets back to the bar and the owners point out to a boat leaving, sailing away. He's just missed her.
   
9. Cold Blows the Wind: Meanwhile, we go to the flashback to the Girl, (back to the aquatic imagery from here on out until She Wanted to Leave.) before her facial disfiguration, a montage of her being courted by some other fish sailor man. He's wearing bright cobalt blue. They're sailing together with a crew, and they're very close, eventually him proposing and giving her a ring. Immediately after, their ship gets hit by a cannonball and there's a big battle with another ship. Everything's on fire, she gets injured, and her love dies, as he hands her his bloodstained blue scarf. Later, she makes him a grave, and is wearing the ring still, eventually finding that same seaside bar. She starts working there, all the men there draped in blue fabric, reminding her of her pain. Present day, we see her on a boat, holding the Red scarf. She takes the ring and throws it into the water.
   
10. Pink Eye: The Boy, renewed with zest and energy to go find the Girl, works on his "Car", making a wild looking boat. He says goodbye to his mother then he just starts sailing.
    
11. Waving my Dick in the Wind: Fun upbeat montage. He sails around, showing people the scarf, and every time he meets some new wild sea person, they point, as if they're slowly leading him to her. He grows a beard, becomes a captain, slowly picking up a colorful crew of people helping him. By this point he's fully embraced the red, but wears that blue scarf everywhere. He sails his wild Chevy boat around. Song culminates in ol "Jimmy Wilson" doing a crazy tap dance, and at the end, informing the Boy about the woman, and showing him a picture of her and her Child (without and eye).
    
12. Buckingham Green: (This is my favorite song on the album) We go back to the girl being born, living with her mother somewhere. Lets say the child is missing one eye rather than both, half her face disfigured. Her mother tries to protect her, perhaps too much from judgmental eyes, telling her stories, raising her kindly, but one day she opens her (supposedly) missing eye and it shines gold, and they decide to hide it. Meanwhile, The Boy braves a fierce storm, following a golden glow on the horizon towards where the Girl and the Child are, even helped through the worst of the storm by the Mollusk (Hell yeah). Eventually he arrives and meets the child, and there's a big dramatic ass reunion scene with the Boy, the Girl and the mollusk and all the fish people. The Boy and the Girl wrap their scarves together and put them around the girl, and the scarves transform into a golden one, symbolizing the Boy's commitment to love his child and break a cycle of neglect, and the Girl's closure, being able to move on from her lost love and onto this new family. (or something, idk) The girl opens that other eye and it glows gold again. and The Golden Eel bursts out of the Mollusk as everyone celebrates. The Boy and Girl get their new Opalescent Mollusk outfits and everyone gets hype. Bring in Boy's mom too, fuck it. How all this is supposed to happen in 3:18 i dont know but that's for the director to figure out.
    
13. Ocean man: Exactly as you described. No fucking notes. Hype ending. Maybe this part starts with the Eel haha.
    
14. She Wanted to leave: Now the girl is older. The story of course takes a somber turn where, a tale as old as time, a sailor comes along and woos the young lady. The Boy dips back into his trauma a little bit, swearing revenge, practically begging his girl to stay, going through the throes of a parent watching his child grow up and leave him behind. She obviously refuses, following her new life and her new path, apart from him. Not as heartlessly as he'd like to imagine though. Its melodramatic.
    

14b. Dancing in the Show reprise: This time though, instead of being alone in his pain, his mother and wife can be there to hold his hand, pick him up, and wave goodbye to the sailors' ship together as it leaves for sea. She waves back happily from the deck. Its a sad departure but doesn't have to be a hopeless goodbye like the ones the characters felt in their youth. It can end with the three of them sitting on the beach together and then settling back into their home, the red and blue and gold scarves are hung up somewhere on the roof of something as the sea breeze blows through them.
I don't know who you are but I'm really glad your interpretation touched me in the way that it did. Whoever you are I hope you're having a good life, and rock on.

Using a throwaway account for this in order not to bring wreckage into my personal life.
I live not too far from one of the proposed temple sites that’s recently been in the news. I’m not in that specific neighborhood — but close enough that I’ve taken a serious interest in following the controversy.
I’ve found myself really, really irritated and disgusted with — what appears to me — to be the absolute, entitled refusal of the Church to negotiate any aspect of the temple’s size or design with the local community. It does not help that the temple is, frankly, hideous no matter how tall the ridiculous spire is. But putting that aside, I’m surprised at just how mad I am.
This controversy has really brought my long standing resentment against the Church to the surface and I need a place to express those feelings. I was not raised LDS. I was raised in a mainstream Protestant denomination, in fact my father was a minister. (I told my in-laws this in an effort to get them to stop trying to convert me once very early in my marriage, which was the first time I realized that being very clearly already Christian is apparently NOT enough.)
My husband was Mormon — until he left the faith over 20 years ago. He is the only one in his family to have made this choice & his decision created such a rift in his family that he was asked to leave the family home before he was even 18.
Not so shockingly, being forced to live in a car while still in high school & ostracized by his loved ones caused him incredible pain. It’s not a wound that’s been healed.
And instead of respecting the fact that my husband does not want, for obvious reasons I think, to be a member of the Church & is hurt by what happened to him — we continue to be pursued by the Church (urged on by his estranged family). We get missionaries at our door to this day — and it’s been 20 years! We’ve moved 6 times! More than once it’s not just missionaries but some dude in a suit who ironically wants to talk about family togetherness (I don’t know the titles, sorry).
It’s so frustrating & it causes my husband — and by extension me — so much irritation and pain. I can’t figure out a way to deal with it except to cut contact, which I naively never wanted to do for various reasons. We have now, mostly. But to bring it full circle, it just seems like another case of entitlement. It doesn’t matter what we want, clearly, or what’s in our best interest. The Higher Purpose is more important.
It’s all so intrusive and draining. And seeing that attitude play out in the public arena is upsetting. And it boggles my mind when current members of the Church present themselves as unaware of the wreckage that gets left in their wake sometimes. You don’t understand why I’m not jumping at the opportunity to join you or think that your virtuosity may not be real? I don’t know what to tell you, look around.
(Thanks for being my therapist, Reddit. I don’t really need advice, this is more of a vent. Thanks for hearing me out.)

Welcome (Back?) to Fallout 76

I have seen tons of new players coming in to the game lately, and even more returning to the game much like myself. I won't say I'm the smartest and best informed Fallout 76 player, but I have had tons of help from some people I can say probably are some of the smartest and best informed in the game. So I've decided to compile this handy yet vauge-ish leveling guide to some things you might be curious about, or might find helpful, or whatever! First off, however, let's go over some things the new players might not know: Etiquette in Fallout 76!

Etiquette of Appalachia

While this is a game about lawless chaos in a hell-like wasteland, there are some rules you really should follow!

1. If you don't want to engage in PVP, turn on pacifist mode in the settings and read the popups on your screen about contesting workshops!
   
2. Don't start events until the very last ~30 seconds! Give other players a chance to make it to the event so it's easier to complete and everyone gets loot/xp from enemies!
   
3. Don't go overkill and destroy everything in public events! Killing everything before anyone gets a chance to do any damage to the enemies makes it so nobody else gets any XP or loot.
   

AFAIK those are the big three rules of this game, some people have their preferences and morals and such but IMO, to each their own beyond these big three.

Leveling Up

This is probably your main way of getting poweutility; through leveling up and collecting those sweet, sweet perk cards. I'm just gonna tell you how it is and say hey, don't shoot the messenger. Unless I told ya wrong, then shoot me a message so I can correct it.

How to Increase Your XP Gain

First off, lets go over how XP Bonuses are calculated. First, there is the base XP of an enemy. Then your INT stat will add to that base at 2.072% per point of INT you have. Then the resulting number is multiplied by the percentage base XP buffs you might have active such as the Leadership Bobblehead, Lunchboxes, or Well Rested. Here's the formula:
(Base XP + (Base XP * (INT * 2.072))) + ((Base XP + (Base XP * (INT * 2.072))) * %Buffs)
CALM DOWN!!! To make it easier on you folk out there who aren't running Egghead IRL, your INT stat essentially makes your base XP reward higher so your lunchboxes can give you way more XP.
So how does a fella max their INT? Well I'll tell ya! Other than the obvious idea of maxing it out by respeccing your S.P.E.C.I.A.L. stat allocation, you have armor slots that can all roll legendary star stats such as boosting your INT by +1 per piece, and if you don't mind running a low health build while power leveling, the Unyielding affix that can roll on any non-power armor can give players a whopping +15 INT at +3 INT per piece equipped (body, arms, legs.) Also, you can wear the Casual Shielded Underarmor OR the Flannel Shirt for another +3 INT. Also, there's chems and foods that can temporarily boost your INT, though you can have only one of each type active at the same time. Some of the best ones to run for boosting INT are Brain Bombs for food and Berry Mentats for chems. All of these things can be purchased from other players too! Also, if you run mutations like Egghead and Herd Mentality, the Charisma Perk Card Strange In Numbers can boost your INT by another +4 so long as you're in a party. Which you should be, because forming a bond with 3 players in a Casual team will net +4 INT as well! And last but not least is the Mechanical Derby Game some players have in their C.A.M.P. which boosts your INT by +2 for 30 minutes!
Now how about boosting XP via percentages to multiply that huge INT boosted base XP you worked so hard for? I've got you covered! Same as before, some things stack but some don't. In this usage case, the Live & Love 8 (+5% XP) magazine doesn't stack with Live & Love 3 (Boost Effects of Food), for example. Same with the Intelligence Bobblehead (+2 INT) and the Leadership Bobblehead (+5% XP). Lunchboxes can stack only up to 4 times and if you pop a lunchbox around other players, the other players all get a boost too! Same if someone pops one near you, free XP boost! Lunchboxes grant +25% XP per box popped, so with four popped, that's double XP! You can also get a whopping +15% XP boost from the Charisma Perk Card Inspirational, and the event going on now, the Mothman Equinox, gives you another +15% XP for an hour if you interact with the purple eyed moth at the end. Also, the easiest bonus to get is your Well Rested/Kindred Spirit/Lover's Embrace buff that gives you +5% XP and is obtained by simply resting in a bed for a bit.
In conclusion and to wrap up this part I want to clarify that you will typically get MUCH more XP in a Casual Team over an Events Team because for a majority of the events, you will be killing tons of enemies and missing out on a +8% boost to the BASE XP of all enemies, ya know, before the multiplier boosts which adds up to be much more XP than you get from the completion reward, even when its doubled. Daily Ops is a different case because you are typically trying to run it fast and skip over fights if possible, but otherwise don't sleep on Casual Teams.

How to Farm XP

So now that we've written a small book on how to boost our XP, how are we going to actually GET the XP? Well the best ways is to kill enemies with a high base XP reward, and lots of them. For example, the super mutants at the famous WesTek Research Center provide a high base xp reward and so do glowing enemies, like ghouls, which can be more or less "made" by dropping a nuke on Whitesprings. Events are great for this as well, especially Radiation Rumble and Eviction Notice, but typically all of the events have a good amount of enemies to kill and reward you with exclusive rewards, so its typically savvy to hit the events as they come up unless you know what it has to offer and just don't need it.
Now hold on there, pardner! You don't actually have to do all the work when it comes to killing the enemies to get their XP. And to squash any rumors going around, doing more damage does not, in any way, net you a higher amount of XP!!! You simply have to do 1% of the damage to an enemy to get its FULL XP reward, and yes this applies to every single enemy, even bosses. Really all you have to do is shoot each enemy maybe once or twice and you'll be drowning in XP during those big events. A great weapon for this is the Tesla Rifle because it chains to nearby enemies when you hit something, allowing you to tag multiple enemies while only having to aim at one! Also, Nuka-grenades have a massive AOE, just make sure you aren't boosting explosive damage or anything so you aren't one shotting everything (and yourself.) And try to make sure your party is there doing the event with you because if they happen to get a kill you missed, you still get a little bit of XP which is better than nothing.
That's all for now though, and do let me know if I missed anything or messed up any info!

Hi Everyone! I've been getting some DM's after the score release thread yesterday, and it seems like it might be helpful for some to hear my experience with the test, so here we go.
BACKGROUND: I'm a US MD student at a T20 who is not top of the class in anything.
THIRD YEAR: Throughout clerkships, I used a pretty standard way for studying for every shelf exam. I would do all of the anki found within the most up-to-date version of the AnKing step 2 deck, did all the Uworld for the clerkship once, re-did all of my wrongs on uworld, then took as many CMS's for that subject as I could. I'd throw in a couple review videos from Emma Holliday and Divine here and there, but overall this was the setup. Generally scored about 85th percentile or so on those, and ended up scoring 74% on this first pass of uworld.
DEDICATED: Gave myself 5 weeks to study for it just to have a little more flexibility in how hard I went each day. On average I bet I spent around 8 hours studying each day, except for practice test days where it was more like 12ish.
Anki: I reset the step 2 AnKing deck at the very beginning of dedicated and set the due date for two days before my test. This came out to ~800-1200 review cards/day, which I mainly did at the gym while on the treadmill or in between sets. I also made anki cards for my wrong answers on Uworld and NBME's, which came out to about 800 cards total.
Practice Questions: Uworld is still king. I did around 80-120 questions/day on timed testing mode nearly every day that I was not taking a practice test. I would do all of these questions in a row in the morning and review them later in the afternoon at lunch. For reviews, I would honestly skim through the ones I got correct unless there was a knowledge gap, and read through everything on those I got wrong + make an anki card. Ended up getting through 45% and scoring 85% on this. Only other practice questions I relied on were the AMBOSS high yield risk factors, ethics, 200 concepts, and vaccine/screening blocks, which I did during my first week of dedicated.
Practice Tests: Do as many of these as you can. Both UWSA's and NBME's are great, but if you're in a bind and can't do both, I would focus on the NBME's since questions seem more alike to those seen on the test. I also tried my best to take and review the tests on the same day so I had a better recolleciton of my thinking during questions, but idk if this helped that much and it was brutal getting through on some days. Here's the order I did them and my scores:
NBME 9: 244 (35 days out), NBME10: 253 (28 days out), NBME11: 260 (21 days out), UWSA 1: 260 (18 days out), UWSA 3: 255 (13 days out), Old New Free 120: 91% (11 days out), NMBE13: 264 (10 days out), NBME14: 261 (7 days out), UWSA 2: 268 (5 days out).
I did these in this order based off the recommendation of some friends who had taken the exam previously, but I don't think there's a right answer. I also didn't take NBME 12 because I heard horror stories (I'm just a scared little guy) or the old old Free 120 since I heard it wasn't super representative at this point. SUPER IMPORTANT BOLDED POINT - I would normally take 1-2 days following my practice tests doing uworld specifically on the areas that were weaker based on my test result. I think doing this really helped keep things efficient.
Podcasts: Divine Intervention and Emma Holliday are the truth. For DI I listened to the rapid review series (there's a good spotify playlist if you type in "divine intervention rapid review") and the QI episodes. I also listened to all the Emma Holliday episodes by the end of dedicated. I mostly did this passively while exercising or cooking.
Day before test: This video right here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJgjMZk8\_To) is sweet. I followed a lot of the tips and found them helpful. Waking up early at 5 am and exercising helped a lot in terms of sleeping and calming my nerves. I also did NOTHING to study that day and recommend you do too. If you have to do something, try to keep it relatively light.
Day of Test: Got to the testing center half an hour early. I also had plenty of water with me and tons of different protein bars (shoutout kirkland brand protein bars) which I ate from during each break. The video I linked recommends having just a small cup of coffee before the exam to keep nerves stable, but if you're like me and a straight up caffeine junky you can do what I did and take caffeine pills before and during the test. I ended up taking one (200 mg) right before, another (200 mg) after three blocks, and a final (200 mg) after six blocks. Yeah I know that's a lot stop looking at me like that. For breaks I took my first after two blocks, one after the third, a longer one after the fourth, one after the sixth, and a final short one after the seventh. I will bold the following because I think this is what gives people an edge on test day, try to poop before the test begins. Nothing worse than thinking about that while trying to perform. Other than that, just be nice to the testing center folks.
OTHER STUFF: Try your best not to burn yourself out studying. Only you know what your capacity is, so strive towards maxing that out and no more than that no matter what those around you say. Also, try your best to eat healthy and exercise at least 3 days a week. Doesn't matter how you exercise, but just getting some movement is super helpful. I found going to the gym and mixing in anki was effective and efficient, but you do what's best for you. Last thing, try to find a hobby you can do at night after you're done studying. Mine was video games and seeing friends, but you do whatever makes you happy.
FINAL THOUGHTS: This test sucks man. It's long, the questions can be vague, and its stressful. That said it's also doable (especially compared to Step 1). The most important part is just doing your studying consistently and keeping yourself sane. That's easier said than done, but its definitely possible to do it. In the end, a lot of what happened in my case was just the form I got falling into my strengths, but being consistent with your studying and working on your weak areas through Uworld sets you up to be lucky.
tl;dr: 80-120 uworld questions/day, reset step 2 anking and set due date to near test date, take NBME's and UWSA's, hit weak areas, find a stress reliever, be cool to yourself, poop before test.
Put the word out that we all back up. Hope this helps someone.

The pain was the worst thing`Dominick Mason had ever known…and he knew what it felt like to die. It felt like his brain was in a blender, being chopped to liquid for a Jeffery Dahmer smoothie and though it seemed melodramatic, he imagined he could feel himself losing brain cells by the minute. The sun, Merrick told him, would not burn him, but it would decay him faster, so sleep or rest during the day. With the sick, throbbing agony in the center of his brain, however, that was impossible. He spent most of the day curled up on his side, hugging his knees, and moaning. He had flashbacks to dying in his apartment, and that made things even worse. The room became too small, too close, the air too stale. His heart, filled with the blood of last night’s meal, pounded in his chest, and he went from slightly chilly to hot and feverish as blood was forced through his circulatory system. It mixed with the embalming fluid and left him feeling full and constipated. He didn’t want to get up, but he also didn’t want to go on lying there. He was the definition of miserable.
Before long, the pain became too great and he got up to pace, pressing his hands to the sides of his head and gritting his teeth. Merrick, who slept very little if at all, sat in his chair and watched, trying his best to talk him through it. “It’ll be over soon,” Merrick said. “The pain receptors in your brain are the first to go. When they burn out, you won’t feel anything.”
“When?” Dom asked, his voice raising with the tide of pain.
“A couple days?”
“A couple days???”
“The pain will lessen gradually,” Merrick said, “this is the worst of it.”
Dom believed that this was, indeed, the worst of it, but he doubted it would lessen gradually. For the rest of the day, the pain got worse and worse until every light blinded him, every sound turned his stomach, and the smell of anything made his gorge rise. The cloying smell of the embalming fluid, the light but unmistakable odor of dead flesh, and the scent of stale blood sitting in decomposing stomachs made him want to vomit, but he was afraid to. He didn’t think he could handle the sight of blood rushing from his mouth and splattering the floor. He still possessed enough of his facilities, he believed, to go insane.
Pain has a way of darkening one’s mood, and by the time the sun began to set, Dom was in the most sour mood possible. Even Merrick’s calm, fatherly voice was beginning to get on his nerves. When he took the oath to him the day before (or was it the day before that?), he turned his faith and trust over to Merrick entirely. He was finally accepted, included, finally had the love and fellowship that, in the pit of his soul, he had always wanted. Merrick understood him, Merrick was kind to him.
But deep down, Dom realized that he didn’t fully trust him. He said that his brain didn’t rot because he was “lucky.” That sounded like some bullshit to Dom. Why wasn’t Joe a blithering idiot too? Was he lucky as well? Did lightning strike in the same place twice? In life, people had done nothing but hurt and lie to Dom. Why would death be any different? He thought back to the strange liquid that always seemed to leak from Merrick’s nose, and Joe’s. He thought it was embalming fluid, but it never leaked from his own nose, or from anyone else’s. He tried to tell himself that it was far too soon to judge, but once he began to doubt something, his mind raced away. He felt a twinge of guilt, as Merrick had done absolutely nothing to deserve his doubt, but goddamn it, his head was on fire and he wanted it to stop. Anything to make it stop.
Just after sundown, the music began as Club Vlad opened for the night. It throbbed in the center of Dom’s head and made him want to claw his eyes out. When it became too much for him, he slipped away and stumbled into the sultry summer night. He came out in the alley running behind the club, clutching his head and breathing through bared teeth. He staggered, bumped into a metal trash can, and roared at the top of his lungs, as if he could purge himself of the pain by screaming.. His voice echoed and came back to him, making the pain worse.
Merrick was lying. He knew it. People always lied to him. His brain was rotting and PEOPLE WERE LYING! Flashing with anger, he slammed his fist into the brick wall of a Chinese restaurant. He barely felt anything so he did it again and again until his hand was lumpy and shaking. He sat heavily on the ground and pressed his hands to his head. It felt like maggots were burrowing into his brain, and he was suddenly terrified that they really were. He needed to stop this awful pain, but how?
An idea came to him.
The funeral home.
Maybe there was something there.
He was on his feet and lumbering there before the thought had even finished reverberating through his mind. It was a long shot, but he was desperate. On the way there, he stuck to the shadows, staying out of the light cast by the streetlamps and avoiding people. When he passed them, he kept his head down. When he reached the funeral home, he went to the back door where he and Jessie had gone the other day. He tried it, and it opened.
Inside, he bounced off the walls like a pinball, knocking over an end table and tearing at the flesh of his head, pulling it away in long, gray strips. He panted like a wild animal, his body a raging tempest of emotions. It was reaching a crescendo, he thought, his brain was about to go supernova. The world dimmed, things got really echoy. The young man he’d picked the embalming fluid up from was there, looking scared.
Flashing, Dom grabbed him by his shirt and slammed him against the wall, knocking a painting of a flowery field to the carpet. Everything seemed to go in slow mo. “How does Merrick keep his brain from rotting?” Dom heard himself demanding from far away. “How does he keep the pain away?”
The man trembled. “I-I-”
Dom slammed him again. “Tell me or I’ll make you like me.”
“No!” the man wailed. He shook his head from side to side, his eyes wet with fear.
“How?”
“He-He uses a solution,” the man stammered. “Some kind of special thing. It preserves his brain. That’s all I know.”
An idea occurred to Dom.
Holding the man by the back of his neck, Dom dragged him into the embalming room and pushed him against the table. His head felt like it was swelling. Hot, screaming, getting ready to explode. He looked around, found the embalming machine, and grabbed the hose. There was a sharp tip on it so that you could jam it into a body. He held it in his hand, hesitating for just a moment before pressing it to his temple. The man watched in horror as Dom slowly shoved the tip into his head. It tore his flesh, broke through his skull, and sank into his brain. He felt no pain, only pressure, but cried out anyway. His eyes rolled up into his head and a shudder went through his body.
“Turn it on!” he yelled.
“That’s not what he -”
“TURN IT ON!”
Starting, the man turned the machine on. Cold embalming fluid squirted directly into Dom’s brain. Almost at once, the pain began to ebb away, replaced only by a fuzzy sense of numbness. His knees buckled and he sank to the floor, looking for all the world like an addict taking a hit of his favorite substance after a long and trying day. Fluid leaked from his nose, ears, and eyes and dripped down the back of his throat.
The man waited for a long time, then turned the machine off.
The pain was gone.
At least for now.
“Tell me again,” Dom said.
The man did. Merrick used a special preserving agent to keep his brain intact. Joe, the man suspected, got it as well. So Merrick had lied to him.
Dom felt betrayed.
And angry.
Leaving the man (Dom realized that he didn’t even know his name), he walked back to Club Vlad, his hands fisted in his pockets. All his life, he had been hurt, lied to, and ignored. All his life, people had done wrong to him. And all those years, he just took it.
He resolved not to be so accepting in death.
At last, he was going to stop being a sniveling little bitch and stand up for himself.
When he reached Club Vlad, he slammed through the back door and took the stairs two at a time. At the top, he called out Merrick’s name. The old man was sitting in his chair, being attended to by Jessie and Matt. He looked startled when Dom came in. “You lied to me,” Dom said, stalking over to his benefactor.
“What are you talking about?” Merrick asked, doing his best to sound innocent.
“You lied to me!” Dom screamed. He bent over and got so close to Merrick’s face that he could have kissed him. “You told me there was no way to save my brain, but that’s not true. You’re pumping your head full of shit and letting the rest of us rot.”
A dark shadow flickered across Merrick’s face. “Watch your tone when you talk to me,” he said. His voice was low, menacing.
“Fuck you,” Dom said. “I should k -”
Suddenly, Dom was being grabbed from behind and yanked back, an arm around his neck. He cried out in alarm as Joe swung him around and slammed him face first into the wall. He heard his nose crunch, felt his teeth shatter. Next, Joe wrestled him to the glitter-sprinkled floor and wedged his knee between his shoulder blades.
Merrick watched with a sneer of disgust, his hands gripping the arms of his chair. He wheeled himself over, Jessie holding his IV stand steady and following behind. “Listen, you son of a bitch,” Merrick said, “you’re lucky to be a part of this family.”
Cold fear filled the pit of Dom’s stomach, yet he wouldn’t back down, couldn’t back down. He had lived his entire life like a mouse in a burrow, he wasn’t about to live his entire death the same way.
“Fuck your family,” he said defiantly. “And fuck you.”
Merrick’s face darkened and he sat back in his chair. He looked at Jessie and nodded. She went away and came back a moment later holding something in her hand. Dom’s eyes widened when he saw what it was.
A wooden stake, one end honed to a razor point.
Why they had one of those lying around, Dom didn’t know; it’d be like Superman keeping a piece of kryptonite on the mantle over the fireplace. Merrick directed Max and Matt to hold Dom’s arms down/ Joe pivoted, kneeling on his head now so that Dom’s back was exposed. Dom’s heart slammed with terror and tremors raced through his body.
“Is this what you want, Dominick?” Merrick asked. “To die? To truly die?”
Dom swallowed hard. No, it wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to live, to love, to have a family one day. He wanted a happy, normal life, the life TV and social media had been promising him since he was a little boy.
But all of that went out the window the night he died in his little apartment. There was no life anymore, just a grotesque parody of life. What was there for him other than death? Clinging desperately onto life for decades like Merrick? Stuffing himself full of embalming fluid and moth balls? Grinding for one more minute just so he could sit hooked up to a machine?
Dom spoke.
“What?” Merrick asked, not having heard.
Dom licked his lips. “Just fucking do it.”
For a moment, nothing happened. Expectation hung in the air. Finally, breaking the tension, Merrick nodded to Jessie. Kneeling down, she brought the stake up, and Dom closed his eyes.
This was it.
He braced himself for death.
Jessie brought the stake down just as a shot rang out, deafening in the small space. Her head whipped back, embalming fluid, skull fragments, and gray, sickly pieces of brain showering from the back of her head. She flopped back and landed on the floor with a sickening thud.
A woman cop, her black uniform in stark contrast to the burning white light, stood in the doorway to the hall, her gun drawn. Everyone did, indeed, freeze, more out of surprise than respect for authority. They all looked at her, their dead mouths agape, resembling children who’d been caught doing something wrong.
“Everyone on the ground!” she barked.
No one knew what to do. They hadn’t expected to be raided by the police so had not prepared. She jerked her gun and everyone instinctively flinched. “On the ground!” she repeated. To Max: “You too, bone boy.”
The first one to react was Joe. He sprang at her like a big, undead frog. She brought the gun around and fired, but he was already crashing into her. The shot went wild and struck the IV bag next to Merrick; he ducked and let out a sound of fear. The others rushed her, and Dom got quickly to his feet. Jessie lay on the floor, her mouth open in a silent scream and her bony fingers frantically examining the ragged hole in the center of her forehead. For a moment, he was frozen; everything was happening too fast. Then, when Merrick saw him and cried, “Stop him!, he came alive. Jessie tried to grab at his leg, but he kicked her hand away and stomped on it like it was a giant spider. On the other side of the room, Matt, Joe, and Max had forced the cop to the ground. Perhaps excited by all the action, perhaps just hungry, they began to tear her apart. She howled in pain, and the last thing Dom saw before he fled was her open, blood-filled mouth. Her eyes were filled with pain…with terror.
After that, Dom ran.
***
When the interloper was dead, Merrick directed Joe and Matt to dispose of the body. “Get rid of it,” he said wearily and rubbed his temples, “make sure it isn’t found.”
They rolled her into a carpet from the office, and the way her feet stuck out may have been comical under other circumstances.
Goddamn it, this was bad. Merrick’s entire philosophy rested on avoiding detection. He had done well in that regard. Whereas other vampires had attacked their villages and gotten themselves dug from the ground and staked, he had made it four decades. He never shat where he ate, and there is no bigger turd than killing a cop. They might dawdle on all the boys who’d gone missing - taken because their blood was stronger and more robust than the blood of girls - but they would not take a cop dying lightly at all.
Merrick owned various businesses around the country. He and the others would simply move on. Tomorrow night, they would disappear into the night. They had done it before and they would likely do it again. Once things were settled at their new base of operations, he would have Joe killed for all the trouble he’d caused.
And Dom?
Let him go.
The little rat wouldn’t last a month on his own.
“Jessie?”
Jessie sat against the wall, gazing into space.
“Jessi…start packing. We’re leaving tomorrow.”
She didn’t move, didn’t seem to hear. The shot had all but lobotomized her.
Damn it.
Joe backed the van up to the back door of Club Vlad, and then helped Matt carry the carpet-rolled body down the stairs. They loaded it in and closed the back doors. Together, they drove around looking for a place to dump it. Merrick wanted it to go unfound, but Joe doubted there was anywhere isolated enough in the city. On a whim, he drove to Washington Park, a vast expanse of green trees and shadows. There was a large pond there. It seemed the best option. They were leaving tomorrow anyway, so did it really matter?
Joe backed the van to a railing overlooking the dark water and put it in park. He and Matt got out, fetched the body, and carried it to the railing. They lifted and heaved it over. It splashed. Thus, they rid themselves of Vanessa Rodregiez.
***
Bruce sat anxiously up in his easy chair and waited for his cell to ring.
Parked in front of the TV by warm lamplight, a beer wedged between his legs, he’d been watching the 11’o’clock news when the phone rang. He picked it up and it was Vanessa. “Hey,” she said, “I think I found our body?”
“Which one?” Bruce asked and took a drink. “We have a lot of those these days.”
“Dominick Mason.”
Bruce sat forward in his chair. “Dead Dom? Where?”
“He just came out of a funeral home, ironically enough.”
“That sounds about right,” Bruce said. “Where are you now?”
“I’m following him east on Central.”
“Are you sure it’s him?” Bruce asked.
“I think so, but I’m not sure. I’ll call you back when I’m done.”
Bruce sat the phone aside and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
At some point, he fell asleep sitting up, his head lulled to one side and his mouth open. He snorted himself awake, rubbed his eyes, and sat up. He checked his phone and was perturbed to see that it was past 2am.
Vanessa hadn’t called.
He dialed her number and let the phone ring until it went to voicemail. Sighing, he ended the call, then waited a few minutes and called again.
Still no answer.
It was possible she had forgotten. Maybe the guy turned out to not be Dead Dom after all. She followed some random guy around, realized it, and that was that. Hell, she was probably too embarrassed to call and tell him about it.
Something told him that wasn’t right, however.
There was something else going on here.
Something…darker.
Just before 3am, his phone rang. He snatched it off the end table next to the chair and answered it. It was Burt, the night sargent. “Rodriguez is missing,” he said simply.
Bruce’s heart sank. “Missing?”
“Yeah, she hasn’t checked in for hours and she isn’t answering calls.”
“I’m on my way,”
Bruce tore through the house, pulling on his uniform, socks, and shoes in less time than it took a Daytona 500 pit crew to service a car. In ten minutes he was speeding down 787, the Albany skyline rising in the distance. As he hurried to the station, he thought back to his last conversation with Vanessa. She’d found Dom the Dead Man, the “corpse” who’d scared Ed Harris out of a 20 year career. Despite all their talk about vampires and the living dead, Bruce didn’t believe it, not really. Even so, he was sure that Dominick Mason had done something to Vanessa.
He checked in at the station before doing anything else. They had triangulated Vanessa’s last known location via cell towers. Cops were already out searching the streets for her. Bruce went out as well, intending to start from her last known position and work his way east on Central. The closest funeral home was Tebbutt and Frederick on Central. There was also Lasak & Gigliotti on North Allen Street. Bruce didn’t know which one Vanessa had seen Dom come out of, so he checked both.
Both were deserted at this hour.
Undeterred, Bruce drove up and down Central Ave. At one point, he noticed a shape in an alleyway that looked human. He hit the brakes, jumped out, and pointed his gun at it. “Freeze!”
An old wino stepped out of the darkness. “Alright, you got me,” he said, hands up. “I started COVID. It was an accident, I swear.”
Bruce sighed and put his gun away.
For two more hours, Bruce searched the streets of Albany for Vanessa. At 4am, he spotted a squad car abandoned in the rear parking lot of an abandoned gas station on lower Lark Street. He called it in and the desk sergeant confirmed that it was the one Vanessa had signed out that night.
Still there was no sign of Vanessa herself.
Just after dawn, as the city came alive and CDTA buses began lumbering up and down the streets, Bruce got a call on his cell. “A jogger found a body in Washington Park.”
Bruce was in his personal car. He had no bubble light, no siren. Even so, he sped through the streets like he did, blowing through red lights and stop signs with little care to himself or anyone else. When he got to Washington Park, he found an army cops by the pond, the scene cordoned off with yellow crime scene tape. He slammed on the brakes, threw open the door, and jumped out without even turning off the engine.
The body was rolled up in a carpet and lying on the bank. Two beat cops unrolled it at Bruce’s direction. “We should wait for -” one of them started, but Bruce cut him off.
“Do it.”
They compiled, and at the carpet’s center, like a rotten cream filling, was the body of Vanessa Rodregiuez. Her head was tilted to one side, her eyes wide and staring. Her throat had been mangled and ripped away, her head nearly severed. Even in the black and red mess, Bruce could make out the teeth marks and puncture wounds. They may have looked like something else to anyone else who saw them, but he knew, in that moment, what they were dealing with.
A sharp pang of horror sliced through him, and his knees went weak.
“Jesus Christ,” one of the beat cops drew.
Bruce fell to, rather than knelt on, one knee. He bent over the body, a mixture of horror and grief welling his throat. He wanted to reach out, to comfort her in death, but he stayed his hand. Instead, he visually examined the body. She had bruises on her face, defensive wounds on her hands, and her gun was gone. Whoever had attacked her, she put up a fight.
Something glinted on her pants.
“What’s that?” one of the cops asked.
“I dunno,” the other replied, “but it’s all over the carpet.”
Indeed, there were glinty little specks all over it, winking like mocking eyes. Nice work, eh? We really fucked her up, didn’t we? Wink wink.
“It looks like…”
The other cop cut him off. “Glitter.”
Bruce flashed back to his visit to Club Vlad the other day.
There had been glitter everywhere.
Bruce stood up.
He had work to do.
***
Instead of going back to the station to start his shift, Bruce went to Lowes. There, he bought a mallet, a gas can, and a dozen sticks of wood. An employee in a blue vest used a machine to sharpen them to a wicked point and he took his purchases to the car. Next, he drove over to the Mobil station and filled the gas can. He was so hellbent on revenge that he sprang for premium, the good stuff. No expense shall be spared.
His final stop was at a Catholic church. He filled a canteen with holy water from the marble font by the door, then swiped a crucifix from the wall. He stopped by the station, went inside, and grabbed a black duffle bag with POLICE written across the front in yellow. He opened the gun cabinet in his office, took out a shotgun, and loaded it with shells. He grabbed a handful from the box and stuffed them into his pocket.
He was just finishing up when Bertha came in. “There you are,” she spat, “I’ve waited long enough for you to do something. I demand -”
Bruce shoved the duffle bag into her arms. “Make yourself useful.”
“What?” she demanded.
“We’re going to get your granddaughter,” Bruice lied. Kind of.
Bertha’s demeanor changed. “Good. It’s about time. I was starting to think you were a complete incompetent.”
Bruce didn’t answer. Outside, he plucked the bag out of Bertha’s hands and tossed it into the backseat. He slipped behind the wheel and Bertha sat in the passenger seat. “Where are we going?” she asked.
“Club Vlad,” Bruce said and started the engine.
“I want all of them arrested.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Bruce said.
She barked orders the entire way there. Bruce was so deep in his thoughts that he barely heard her. The image of Vanessa’s ruined throat and terror-twisted face haunted him, and he felt a lump forming in his throat. Hot tears filled his eyes but he blinked them back and forced himself to calm down.
I’ll cry when I’m done killing, he thought.
A few minutes later, he pulled to the curb in front of Club Vlad. It was a hot and sunny day and the place seemed even more ominous because of it. The windows were black, the front cast in perpetual shadows by the old marquee from when it used to be a theater. The place was surely closed, but Bruce could hear music still playing from inside, some techno dance bullshit. “Alright,” he said, “let’s go.”
Getting out, he slung the dufflebag over his shoulder and carried the shotgun, the canteen full of holy water clasped to his belt. Bertha carried the gas can, looking confused. “Why do we need this?” she asked.
“We’re burning the place down.”
Bertha blinked in surprise…then an evil grin carved across her face. “That’ll show the bastards.”
Unlike last time, the door was locked. Bruce used the butt of the shotgun to break the glass, then reached inside and unlocked the door, being careful not to cut himself. This was the point of no return. What he had in mind would probably get him kicked off the force or even thrown in jail - and we all know how tough jail can be for a former barnaclehead. The memory of Vanessa’s contorted face pushed him on, however.
He’d suffer any consequences he needed to just so long as he got the sons of bitches who did this to her.
Inside, the club was cool and cave-like. Strobe lights flashed, on and off, black and white, dazzling Bruce’s eyes. The bartender was at his station, cleaning up from the night before. When he saw Bruce and Bertha come in, he started. Bruce pointed the shotgun at him. “Don’t fucking move,” he commanded.
The bartender hesitated, then reached for something under the bar.
The shotgun kicked in Bruce’s hands, and the bartender flew back, turning as he crashed into the barback. Bottles, glasses, and mugs crashed to the floor along with the bartender. Bruce racked the gun, and the shell flew out. He moved low and fast now, expecting to be swarmed by vampires, living thugs who worked for vampires, or vampire thugs who worked for themselves.
Though the shot had been like thunder, no one came.
Bruce had no idea where to go, but he imagined that vampires were naturally gravitate to the lowest part of the building. Was there a basement? Shit, he should have looked up the building plans at city hall. Damn, this is what happens when you go off half-cocked. He searched around a bit, opening doors and sweeping the rooms beyond with the shotgun. He found no basement, only stairs leading up. “Stay close,” he said to Bertha.
In the lead, Bruce crept up the stairs, the flashlight on the shotgun providing a cone of clean, white light. At the top of the stairs, he went right, and came to an office and a store room. Backtracking, and bumping into a bungling Bertha, he went into the next room. It was large and open with a vaulted ceiling, almost like a ballroom. Here the same strobe lights throbbed on and off, making him dizzy. Was this to dazzle prospective vampire hunters?
Either way, this was the place. Bodies lay strewn across the floor, some curled up on their sides and others in the classic vampire pose: Flat on their backs with their hands laced over their chests. In the center, like the sun to the planets, Merrick Garvis lay slumped back in his wheelchair, his neck exposed for any potential assassin to come and cut. Not that it would kill him. At least Bruce didn’t think it would.
“They’re all dead,” Bertha whispered. She looked around and gasped. “There’s Jessie.”
Jessie lay on her back, her hands folded on her chest. She had a ragged bullet hole in the center of her forehead. “Oh, God,” Bertha wavered, “someone shot her.”
He hoped it was Vanessa. And he hoped it fucking hurt.
Looking around, Bruce couldn’t find Dominick Mason. Was he the one who killed Vanessa? Was it a group effort? He wanted the little son of a bitch bad, but it looked like he’d have to go on without him. They didn’t have much time.
Unshouldering the duffle bag, he knelt down and rummaged around. “Start splashing that gas on the bodies,” he said.
“But -”
“Just do it,” he snapped.
There must have been a harder edge in his voice than normal, because Bertha jumped and did as she was told. She upended the can and began to splash gasoline onto the sleeping forms, the smell of it acrid and strong.
Taking out a stake and the mallet, Bruce went over to Merrick and knelt down. He gripped the stake in one hand and placed it firmly against Merrick’s chest. He brought the mallet up and hesitated, the gravity of what he was doing finally reaching him. What if he was wrong? What if -
Merrick’s head whipped up and their eyes locked.
Too late.
Bruce brought the mallet down as hard as he could. The stake drove deep into Merrick’s heart, and the vampire let out a howling screech that rang through the chamber like the cry of a banshee. His bony fingers clawed at the stake and his head whipped from side to side, his back arching and his robe coming open. In the quick strobe pattern, Bruce was shocked to see that his body was little more than a wood frame, chicken wire, and cotton balls. His blacked heart was hidden behind a screen of mesh that the stake had easily torn through. It throbbed, seemingly in time with the strobe lights, and Merrick let out another wail.
Bertha screamed, and Bruce jumped to his feet.
The vampires, drawn by their master’s cries of distress, were rising to their feet. Two, four, six of them, pale and ethereal like ghosts in a gothic mansion. They came toward Merrick, and Bruice fell back a step. The old man had gone still and lay slumped to one side, his eyes open and his mouth slack, embalming fluid leaking from the corner of his lips. Jessie bent over him and touched his face. Though she moved like a zombie, with no human emotion, Bruce was crazily sure that it was a touch of tenderness and love. Merrick didn’t stir.
He was dead.
Jessie looked at him. Yellow liquid leaked from her eyes like tears. Instead of attacking him, she turned on her grandmother and slammed her against the wall. Bertha screamed and dropped the can. It landed on its side, its contents sloshing out onto the floor. A man that resembled the pictures Bruce had seen of Joe Rossi only deader rushed him, slamming into him and knocking the shotgun aside. It hit the floor and skidded away. Joe grabbed Bruce around the throat and squeezed. Still the lights flashed, off and on, off and on. The walls thrummed with the mechanized beat of dance music, pierced only by Bertha’s screams as Jessie ripped out her throat.
Joe leaned in, his fangs wicked and glowing in the light. Bruce clawed at the monster’s face, tearing away strips of dead flesh. Joe turned his head to the side, and Bruce kneed him in the groin. Even dead, getting kicked in the balls hurt like hell, apparently. Joe’s grip loosened and Bruce was able to shove him off. Bruce unclasped the canteen and frantically screwed the cap off as Joe recovered. Joe sprang at him again, and Bruce splashed him in the face.
A sound like sizzling meat filled the air, and Joe screamed at the top of his lungs. He pressed his hands to his face and danced around the room, his skin liquifying and oozing between his fingers. The others were coming now, led by a terrible skeletal thing. Bruce scooped the shotgun off the floor, brought it around, and fired. The blast hit the thing dead center, tearing it literally in half. The top half flew back, an all too human look of surprise on its face, and the bottom half fell over with a wet thud. Another vampire came at, and Bruce slammed it across the face with the butt of the gun. He heard its jaw crack, saw teeth flying.
Bertha lay dead on the floor, Jessie bent over her. The smell of Bertha’s blood attracted the others, who seemed to forget about Bruce, Merrick, and everything else. Joe was on his knees, wailing in pain, and the skeletal thing was pulling itself toward Bertha. A feeding frenzy broke out as vampires fought to get a piece of her the way piglets might fight over their mother’s teat. Bruce watched in a mixture of horror and fascination, but recovered himself. He grabbed the gas can from the floor and dumped the rest of its contents on Merrick’s body, the feeding vampires’ backs, and the floor, using the last of it to make a little trail to the door. He tossed the can aside, bent down, and stuck a match.
A huge, fiery whump filled the room, and fire streaked along the trail. The vampires all went up in a huge ball of flames, and fire shot up Merrick’s body, catching his robe, his hair, and the wooden frame that had kept him semi upright for God knows how long. Letting out inhuman screams, the vampires broke from Bertha’s corpse. One stumbled around, bounced off the wall, and fell; another toddled toward Bruce before falling to its knees. The half skeleton kept drinking from Bertha’s neck even as it burned.
The heat was enormous, baking. Bruce backed away, and the last thing he saw before smoke obscured his vision was Merrick Garvis.
He was literally melting.
***
Dominick Mason tried to go home, but he no longer had a home. All of his worldly possessions sat on the sidewalk in front of his building, discarded coldly as easily. His key didn’t work in his door and there was a FOR RENT sign on it. Why would it be any other way? He was dead. Sooner or later, everyone forgets you when you’re dead, and all the things you held so dear wind up in the trash. It was a hard pill to swallow, but most people aren’t around to see it after they die.
He was.
From his building, he walked east toward Washington Park. In the distance, thick, black smoke billowed into the air, and sirens rose. He barely noticed and wouldn’t have cared even if he did. No more rubbernecking for him. That was for the living.
The pain that had plagued him so the previous day came back, only less this time. Maybe he was imagining it, but it was getting harder to think. Not that he cared, really. What was there to think about anyway? How he had no one to mourn or miss him? How he died and not one single person, except for maybe his mother, cared, or even noticed? How he had done nothing with his life? Even to the women he’d slept with, what was he? Just another dating app hookup. They probably didn’t even remember his name.
Merrick had been right about one thing. Death was easy. It was life that was hard…life that hurt.
With that in mind, Dominick made his way to Washington Park. It was a vast and deep place with many small caves and thickets. Kids played on the playground, their cries of laughter scenting the still air. It had grown cloudy and began to rain. Still, smoke poured into the sky in the direction of Club Vlad. Dom didn’t wish ill on Merrick and the others, didn’t hope it was them burning. He didn’t care anymore. Not about them, not about anyone. For better or worse (and he would argue it was worse), his life was over. His time came days ago, he just missed the boat.
Picking out an isolated little area, Dom sat against a tree with his legs splayed out in front of him. He titled his head back and closed his eyes. Yes, thinking was hard now. His mind felt sluggish, cold. He was thirsty…so, so thirsty, but he ignored it.
Slowly, the bugs found him. Flies buzzed around him and laid their eggs in his skin. Beetles scuttled over him, followed by worms.
Next, it was the birds. They ate out his eyes and nibbled at his blue, bloated skin.
The animals came last.
Their appetites were bigger.
And they left little remaining of poor, outcast Dominick Mason.
***
That night, Bruce sat alone in his little trailer, a bottle of whiskey wedged between his legs and unshed tears in his eyes. He stared at his reflection in the darkened TV set and took long swallows from the bottle. He planned to drink until he forgot or passed out, whichever came first. He tried to not think about Vanessa, but in his addled state, he couldn’t control himself, and began to cry. When that storm passed, like the others before it, he chugged from the bottle.
As distant church bells clanged the hour - midnight - a feeble knock came at the door. Bruce took another drink and it came again. Getting up, he stumbled, nearly fell, and gripped the bottle tightly. He didn’t want to lose one precious drop.
Again, the knock.
“I’m coming,” Bruce slurred. He staggered to the door and fought with the lock. He was dizzy and seeing double.
When he got it, he opened the door.
The bottle dropped from his hand and clanked onto the floor.
Vanessa, clad in a puke green hospital gown, stood on the step, her hands pressed to her chest and a look of anguish on her milk white face. Her head tilted to one side, the wounds on her neck cleaned but open, gaping. Her dark eyes shone with tears. “I’m dead,” she said.
Breaking down in tears, she collapsed against him and they sank to the floor. She was cold and smelled. Bruce wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest anyway. “Shhh, it’s alright,” he said drunkenly. “Hey, it’s alright.
“I’m dead,” she repeated, and her voice broke. “I don’t want to die.”
Bruce held her close, trying to warm her icy skin. He didn’t know what to say, so he cried with her.
“You’re safe now,” he said, “it’s going to be okay.”
“I want blood,” she said and sobbed harder, “I want to hurt people.”
“Shhh,” Bruce said again. “It’s okay.”
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a utility knife. He flicked the blade across his wrist and searing pain shot up his arm. “Here,” he said and offered her his blood, “drink this.”
He did this without care and without thought. She needed him, and one barnaclehead always backs up another.
Vanessa hesitated, looking from his face to the oozing blood, unsure.
“Go ahead,” he told her.
Vanessa brought his wrist to her mouth.
And began to drink.

As the last orange light of day drained from the sky, the living dead in Club Vlad rose. Max the skeleton and Jessie the…not skeleton…sewed up the gaping Y-shaped incision on Dom’s chest under Merrick’s direct supervision. Dom sat there, feeling nothing, thinking nothing. He’d woken with a headache and a feeling of cold, and even now, he could feel the dull throb above his left eye. It felt like someone was tearing his brain apart with a fork. He had told Merrick, and Merrick had nodded sadly. “Is my brain rotting?”
“Most likely,” Merrick had said.
There was a certain peace in the idea of losing his cursed humanity. As Merrick had said, he would feel no pain, know no quandaries. He would live only for the night and for his master. On the other hand, watching someone like Matt sit and stare into the distance, drool coursing down his chin and nothing happening behind his dead eyes, scared Dom. He didn’t want to be a braindead idiot. He didn’t care about keeping his emotions, he just wanted to function.
Like Merrick.
There wasn’t much he could do, however. He was dead and that was the end of it.
Once Dom was patched up and dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie, Merrick called his children before him. “I have done my best to love and protect all of you,” he began. “Jessie, you were miserable with your grandmother, were you not?”
“Yes,” Jessie said tonelessly.
“You were depressed, bipolar, and cut yourself. Now you’re happy.”
“Yes,” she replied again.
“Joe, you were a two bit nobody staring down a ten year stretch in jail.”
“Yes.” Thin yellow liquid dripped from his nose.
“But now you are free.”
“Yes.”
“You appreciate what I’ve done for you.”
“Yes.”
Merrick flashed then, slamming his fist onto the arm of his wheelchair. “Then why do you keep fucking up? The police were here earlier. They have messages between you and Jessie. I told both of you to delete those. Then I find out that you bit someone and turned them despite my orders. We have an endless supply of blood here but you still went off on your own. How many are there?”
“Just one,” Joe said.
“Are you being honest with me?”
“Yes.”
Merrick sagged back in his chair, looking somehow older. “Joe, take Matt and go to her. Bring her back here before she causes any more problems. God alone knows how many people she’s changed. Too many vampires without a father will bring heat on us, and you know what happens in that case? We get pieces of wood shoved in our chests.”
Turning to Dom, Merrick said, “I have a job for you and Jessie. We’re nearly out of embalming fluid. You haven’t had your first dose and the rest of us are starting to get ripe as well. I have a contact at a funeral home. He texted earlier that the order he placed on my behalf has come in. I want you to pick it up and to pay him.”
Dom had never been picked for anything in his whole life. No one had ever wanted him on their team and no one had ever placed their trust in him the way Merrick was now. He was honored, proud, and would do anything to not let Merrick down.
“That cop who came here might be a problem,” Merrick went on. “We may have to deal with him, but we’ll leave that for another night. In any case, I want this place cleaned from top to bottom. If the police come, I want them to see nothing out of the ordinary.”
Now that everyone had their marching orders, they dispersed. Merrick handed Dom an evelope stuffed with cash, and Dom slipped it into the pocket of his hoodie. The other team - Joe and Matt - left, while the remaining vampires began tidying up.
A fleet of vehicles waited in the parking lot behind Club Vlad. Dom and Jessie took a black pedo van with no back windows. They drove in silence, the radio off. Dom did not want to hear music, nor did he wish to speak to Jessie. Their kinship was one of blood and circumstance, not one of words and emotions. He had no questions for her and wished to answer none of his own. The only thoughts he had were of the mission ahead and of the growing pain in his skull. He thought of the staring stupid Matt, of the decayed Max, and a shiver went down his spine.
What was left of his humanity recoiled at the idea of becoming like them.
The pain grew hotter, more intense. He forced it away and focused on driving.
The funeral home was on North Allen Street, next to a restaurant called Pepperjack’s. A tall, white house with dark shutters and a sign out front, it looked like a quiet, peaceful place. “Pull around back,” Jessie said.
Dom pulled the van around back and parked under a balcony, killing the headlights. They got out and went to the back door, Jessie in the lead. He assumed that she had done this before and that the seller would recognize her. She knocked, and a few moments later, the door opened. A youngish man with a shaved head appeared, wearing an apron and gloves. He saw them and tensed a little. Dom could smell, rather than sense, his fear, and his throat panged with thirst. “Come on,” the man said quickly. He stepped aside and allowed them to enter. Dom noticed that he walked behind them, wary of putting his back to them. “Do you have the money?”
“Do you have our order?” Jessie countered.
“Yes,” the man said, “I’m really risking my neck for this. They don’t just give embalming fluid away, you know. They keep track of it and if they realize I’m over ordering, someone from the state’s going to come down here and check.”
He led them into an embalming room. Three boxes sat on a table. Dom gave the man his money, and he and Jessie carried the boxes outside, loading them into the van. The whole time they were there, the man was edgy, like he was afraid they were going to attack him. Dom would be a liar if he said that the hot smell of the man’s blood didn’t excite him. Perhaps once his brain rotted away, he wouldn’t be able to control himself, but for now, he could.
A lightning bolt of pain shot through his head and he nearly dropped the last box onto the ground.
Once the man was paid, Dom and Jessie drove back to Club Vlad. In fifteen minutes, they were drinking side by side from two passed out partygoers, their reward for a job well done.
Meanwhile, across the city, Joe and Matt weren’t doing as well. They were standing outside of Heather’s apartment. Joe, slightly annoyed (anger being another emotion vampires could feel, along with fear) pounded on the door. He knew she was in there; he could smell the putrid odor of decay. “Let us in,” he said. “We won’t hurt you.”
Joe could barely remember changing her. He didn’t mean to, it just…happened. Like an unwanted pregnancy. You can bite someone as much as you want and drink as much as you want, but if you take too much at once and they die, you get the vampire equivalent of a baby. Joe liked the hunt. It was exciting. Having his meals brought to him Club Vlad didn’t arouse the same level of excitement. It was like shooting an animal tied to a tree. Or hiring a prostitute instead of wooing someone. No real satisfaction to it.
That was probably his greatest downfall. He had lured Jessie the same way, though Merrick was indeed interested in rescuing her from her grandmother. People you have saved obey just as well as people with no brains.
He felt fluid on his upper lip and sniffed. “Come on, let us in,” he said.
No response.
He looked at Matt and nodded to the door. Together, they rammed their shoulders against it. It shook in its frame. They were both dead and weak, but modern American architecture is even weaker, and the door eventually slammed open. The apartment beyond was dark, messy, and reeked of death. They searched high and low, and eventually found Heather huddled in a corner, trying to hide. She was naked save for a pair of panties, her body bloated and beginning to turn black. Her skin hung from her frame and her eyes were filled with blood and fear. It was a wonder no one had called the police yet. The smell was overpowering. “We’re here to help,” he said. “You have to come with us.”
She shook her head and trembled. Maybe she remembered that he was the one who did this to her. Maybe her memories had rotted away. Those were usually the first to go. Then your emotions, then your personality. Finally, your capacity for higher reasoning. “I’m sorry I did this to you,” he said. That was a lie. He was not remorseful. Nor was he proud, for that matter. It just happened. Like rain. “But I want to help you. We can fix you.”
No amount of coaxing or conjoling could induce her to move. Joe weighed his options. He doubted anyone would call the cops even if they heard the door coming down - people who lived in places like this rarely called the cops, which helped Joe and his cause immensely. Even so, there was the possibility. Every minute they spent here was a minute that something could go wrong, and Joe had a lot to lose.
So, too, did Merrick.
Giving up, Joe took out his cellphone and called Merrick. “She refuses to come,” he said simply.
The line was quiet for a moment, then Merrick’s voice came back. Cold. Calculating. “Then do what you must.”
That was the go ahead.
Hanging up, Joe looked around the apartment and found a wooden chair in the kitchen. He lifted it over his head and slammed it on the counter, shattering it into a million pieces. He selected the longest, sharpest, and sturdiest looking one. He went back into the room and directed Matt to hold her down. She fought, kicked, and spat, but she was weaker than even they were. They had been embalmed. She hadn’t.
Matt pinned her hands above her head and Joe straddled her. Animal terror filled her eyes and she whipped her head from side to side. Joe lifted the makeshift stake with both hands, and brought it down as hard as he could, driving it deep into her heart. Her eyes bulged from their sockets and a high, otherworldly scream ripped from her throat. She bucked, thrashed, and kicked her feet. Her resistance began to ebb away until she was twitching…until she was still.
Heather from OKCupid was dead.
Truly dead.
Joe couldn’t help wondering what it was like.
Pulling the stake out, he tossed it aside and got to his feet, Matt doing likewise. A soul petrifying scream might be cause for even the tightest of lips to start talking. “Let’s go,” he said. And together, he and Matt fled, leaving the poor, dead body of Heather behind.
***
As it turned out, one of Heather’s neighbors did call the cops. At 10;13pm, Vanessa Rodregiez arrived with two patrolmen and found the front door of Apartment 237 knocked down. Guns drawn, they entered, Vanessa at the head. The first thing she noticed was the smell. It jammed itself into her nostrils, shoved its tongue down her throat, and violated her - all without even buying her dinner first.
Vanessa hadn’t been at this as long as her buddy Bruce had, but she knew a dead, rotting body when she smelled one. They searched the premises, and sure enough, they found a vic in the bedroom, lying in the gap between the bed and the wall; it looked like the former had been moved, perhaps in a struggle. Vanessa knelt down to check the vic’s pulse, but stopped.
There was no need.
The vic - who looked like a female but could have been an overweight male - hadn’t had a pulse in a very long time.
Examining the body, Vanessa found a wound in the chest, just above the heart. Black, stinking goo leaked from it, and Vanessa gagged. She fisted her hand to her mouth, retched, and then ran for the kitchen sink. Her partner for the night, Jim Walsh, stared down at the stiff before him, and his face turned a sickly shade of green. He avoided puking because he didn’t nose fuck the wound like Vanessa had, but he wasted no time in getting out there, dry heaving in the hallway where the air was somewhat fresh.
After leaving her lunch in the sink, Vanessa radioed back to headquarters, and before long, the place was crawling with cops. The assistant medical examiner - who had taken over after Ed Harris quit the previous night - knelt over the body and studied it. A solidly built black man with a mustache, his name was Leon and he knew death just as well as his old boss, so when he said the vic had been dead nearly two weeks, Vanessa accepted it.
That begged the question: Who broke in and screamed just now? A relative? The caller clearly heard screaming and peeked out her door to see two males fleeing on foot. Maybe they found the vic and freaked out? Or maybe they were the killers returning to the scene of the crime. After all, the vic had clearly been murdered.
In fact, they found a likely murder weapon. A long sliver of wood soaked in black goo. Blood turns black after a while, but there was something different about this stuff. “What is it?” Vanessa asked Leon.
“I’m not sure,” Leon said and pulled off a pair of Latex gloves he’d donned to examine the vic, “could be blood or…”
“Or what?” Vanessa asked.
“Or something,” Leon said. “Give me a few hours.”
And a few hours it was. Just before 1am, Leon called Vanessa at her desk. “I think you should come down here,” he said.
Fifteen minutes later, Vanessa stood over Leon as he pulled the vic’s chest open with a pair of tweezers. “That’s the heart,” he said, “whoever stabbed her scored a direct hit, but this…this is what concerns me.”
He prodded a furry lump with the tip of his scalpel.
“What is it?” Vanessa asked.
“I don’t know,” he said, “it looks like mold.”
That word - mold - triggered a memory in her brain. “Ed said something about mold last night. He found it in -”
“The Mason boy,” Leon finished.
“Yeah. The one who got up and ran off.”
Leon turned away from Vanessa and looked at the dead woman - for it was a woman. Vanessa got the impression that he didn’t want her to see his expression. “I’ve known Ed ten years. I know something happened last night, but a stiff getting up and walking off? I thought he was confused. Now…I don’t know. That makes two bodies in 24 hours. And get this. The chest wound? It was done post-mortem. I can’t find a cause of death anywhere. Except maybe blood loss but it’s hard to tell at this point. And speaking of blood…”
“What?” Vanessa asked quickly.
“When I opened her stomach up, a whole shit load of blood spilled out. And a lot of it was a lot fresher than she is.”
Vanessa furrowed her brow in confusion. “You mean…?”
“It’s not hers,” Leon said. “I can’t be 100 percent sure until I run tests, but I’d put money on it.”
Vanessa’s head spun with information both new and old. You know that full, heavy feeling you get when a poo is brewing in your guts? That’s kind of what Vanessa was feeling, only in her head instead of her stomach.
Leon was just as mystified by the whole thing as she was and stayed up late to run a few preliminary tests. By sunrise, he had confirmed that the blood inside of Heather’s stomach was not hers. In fact, it had come from at least three different sources. “Is it human?” Vanessa asked over the phone.
“Yes,” Leon said, sounding troubled, “it’s human.”
In the cobalt hour before sunrise, Vanessa sat at her desk and tried to piece this whole thing together. They had:

1. A corpse that (allegedly) woke up and dipped out
2. A dead girl who’d been stabbed in the heart with a piece of wood after somehow ingesting the blood of three different people.
3. Some missing kids
4. Oh, and both bodies - the girl’s and the runaway corpses’ - had the same weird fungus in their heart cavities.

All of this - even the missing kids, Vanessa felt - was related. She just didn’t know how. The only answer that half way fit was that both of those bodies were vampires. Like…what’s a vampire but a dead body that gets up and walks around at night? And how do you kill a vampire? Why, you drive a piece of wood through its heart.
The idea that vampires were real was dumb, but the more she turned it over in her mind, the more she became convinced that it was at least an option. A lot of things people thought were fantastic and made up turned out to be real, so why not vampires too?
Shortly after 8, Bruce came in. He was just sitting down when Vanessa came in and slapped her report on the desk. “Buckle up, bitch,” she said, “things just got weirder.”
He stared up at her with one of those grumpy - but cute -expressions he was so good at putting on. As he read, however, his brow knitted. “Jesus,” he muttered to himself. He pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a weary sigh.
“I have a theory - kind of,” Vanessa said, “but I don’t want to say it.”
“You might as well,” Bruce said. “It can’t be more kooky than reality these days.”
“Okay,” Vanessa started, “what if - and I’m just thinking out loud here - what if there are vampires in Albany?”
She expected Bruce to give her a dirty look, but he chewed it over, actually taking it seriously. “And those missing boys are victims?” he asked finally.
“Yeah,” Vanessa said. “That girl’s been dead two weeks. Maybe she bit Dominick Mason and he came back for revenge after realizing he was cursed to be a goddamn shit sucking vampire forever.”
Bruce nodded. “Yeah, but who turned her?”
“I don’t know,” Vanessa said, “I don’t know.”
***
Before dawn painted the eastern sky, Merrick Garvis sat in his chamber like a withered king, a mess of IVs hooked into his arms and neck. The vault was silent save for the soft noise of the machines as they filtered out the old embalming fluid and replaced it with new embalming fluid. Embalming fluid always made him spacy, like a drug. The others had gone first, and even now lay near comatose around him like addicts in an opium den.
As far as he knew, Merrick was the oldest vampire in the world, perhaps, even, the oldest vampire to ever live. Though he was not fully honest with Dom, he was not lying when he said that vampires rotted like any other dead thing. Conditions considered, you had a few weeks tops if left untreated. There may be living vampires in remote corners of Egypt or the northern most reaches of Russia, where the climate preserved dead things, but unless you made it to one of those places, you were pretty well fucked.
Merrick was not a proud man, nor was he concerned with saving face - the dead have no need for that. He was being truthful when he said that he feared death. What’s more, he feared being helpless. Deep down, vampires are people, and people don’t exactly have the greatest track record with caring for their infirm. He read once that the first sign of a civilization was a broken leg that had healed, as it showed that someone stayed with and cared for a fellow human long enough for them to get well again. In Merrick’s opinion, that was true…and thus there was no civilization. Merrick was fifty-one when he died in the year 1982. In his lifetime, he had seen The Great Depression, World War II, and a million small acts of cruelty and selfishness in between. He’d seen beggars starving in the streets, abused children shuffled out of sight and out of mind, and disdain for the poor and the weak.
The living were awful, and the living dead were no different. Once their humanity rotted away, they cared only about filling their stomachs. They were like ticks - they would drink until their bellies literally ruptured…and then keep on drinking.
That left him in a precarious position. He was old, his body was weak. He couldn’t stand unassisted and if left to fend for himself, he would decay into a pile of bones within days. He would be cursed to lay in one spot for all eternity, aware and hungry, little more than a ghost tethered to a black and still beating heart.
He refused to let that happen to him. Thus, he had created a family, a clan of vampires loyal to him and to him alone. He did this through acts of simple kindness and understanding…but also through deception. He knew, for instance, how to preserve the brain. He’d figured out how to do it early on - you pickle it. Like a fetus preserved in a jar. He sawed off the top of his own head and filled it with a special solution that kept his brain - and his intelligence - intact. It slowly drained out through the nose and ears in a thin, yellow liquid, but it worked well enough. He couldn’t save everything, however, and had lost vital things in the process, such as most of his human memories, his sense of humor, and some motor functions. He shared this secret with only Joe, and a few others before, because he needed a strong captain. He kept the others in the dark because vampires - like people - are easier to control when they don’t think for themselves.
Right about now, however, Merrick was beginning to regret sharing the formula with even Joe. Joe had brought him nothing but grief. Joe, you see, could think for himself. He could make decisions. He could go behind Merrick’s back. Joe had something called free will, and free will is a worse affliction than vampirism. Free will is messy, free will is dangerous.
Free will could very well turn Merrick into a pile of bones.
That was, of course, if they weren’t discovered first. Joe had made several mistakes lately, not least of which was the turning of Heather. Sitting there in the predawn hour, attended by Tony, his gay bartender and human familiar, Merrick decided to have Joe killed. There are only two ways to kill a vampire: The stake and the flame. The latter seemed somehow appropriate in this case. After Joe, there would be no more captains, only him, one father with absolute power. That was how it had to be. One man, one vision. Democracies didn’t work. That was especially clear today. Everyone was so divided and nothing ever got done. If the humans had one strong leader, they might go in the wrong direction, but at least they would go somewhere. Instead, they stagnated.
Merrick didn’t particularly look forward to killing Joe, but it had to be done. To protect the family. To protect him.
And Merrick would do anything…anything at all…to protect himself.
***
Vampires.
Bruce kept coming back to that single wor, hoping each time that he would chuckle at the absurdity of it.
But he never did.
Did that mean he believed it? Not necessarily, but damn it, he considered it a possibility, and that alone was enough to make him feel like a fucking clown. All the evidence he had pointed to vampires, but then again, it might point to other things as well. Like aliens.
But let’s say the whole vampire thing was real. Who, like Vanessa asked, was patient zero? Who started this whole mess?
A name came to mind.
Merrick Garvis.
He had not had time to check into Garvis the previous day, but by God, he was going to do it now. He ran his name and social through the system and everything seemed to check out. Merrick Garvis was born on June 31, 1963 in -
Wait a minute. Weren’t there only 30 days in June?
Bruce checked, and there were, indeed, only 30 days in the month of June. Hm. Bruce did a little digging and found something out. Before 1987, social security numbers weren’t issued at birth. You had to sign up, using other forms of ID. Merrick Garvis applied for his in April 1984 and the date of birth on his state issued driver’s license was June 31. Bruce spent an hour on the phone with the DMV and learned that they had never issued a license to a Merrick Garvis. He then spoke to the Social Security Administration, and after much wrangling and frustration, he managed to get a photocopy of the license Garvis used to get his social security number. It was dated 1983.
The face staring back at him was almost exactly the same face he’d seen at Club Vlad, except maybe a touch less stiff and waxy. Though not as rough looking, there was no way in hell Garvis was 20 in that picture. It had to be a fake,
Bruce thought back to the events of the previous two days. Missing bodies, staked corpses, hearts that still beat after death.
Vampires didn’t seem like such a crazy explanation.
And if anyone was a fucking vampire around here, it was Merrick Garvis.

The people involved (names are changed):
Jake – me
Tom – my flatmate
Kath – Tom’s girlfriend
Emily – Kath’s flatmate
TLDR (but context is very important for how the situation develops):
· Me and Emily get with each other at a party.
· It turns out Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me. Since Emily went and did it anyway, Kath falls out with her.
· Kath ends her friendship with Emily. Me and Emily continue seeing each other.
· When I plan to go to see Emily at their apartment, Tom tells me that Kath is in a really dark place mentally, and the thought of me and Emily being there together while Kath’s there is triggering her anxiety, so he asks me not to go over.
· Me and Emily follow these instructions for months, all whilst Tom and Kath continue coming and going to either of our apartments as they please.
· Emily eventually gets in touch with Kath to try and understand exactly why me coming over is an issue, since Kath has no problem coming to my place. Kath has a meltdown due to this and it makes her suicidal.
· Tom falls out with me because I knew about the messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
(Skip to 'Late April' if you want to go straight to the crux of this post, but I do think it's quite an entertaining read).
Background Context
Me and Tom (both mid-twenties) have lived together in our apartment since I moved to the city last year. I’ve known him for several years and would put him in my inner circle of closest friends, so living with him was all just good chill vibes as expected - or at least it was for the first six months.
I met Tom’s girlfriend of several months, Kath, for the first time pretty soon after moving in. Although she was kind of shy, I thought she seemed nice enough. I noticed that Kath would seem to lean on Tom a fair amount when it came to support for her mental health (she had been diagnosed with anxiety), which of course is normal as her boyfriend. On one occasion, she had a particularly bad anxious episode during a group hangout, with Tom consoling her about it afterwards. Following this, Tom seemed exhausted, saying to me “I’m not a professional, I’m not equipped to deal with all this mental health stuff. She needs help from someone who can adequately help her deal with these thoughts. When she blows things out of proportion and she stresses out to me about her anxiety, it just ends up making my own anxiety worse”. He also said that he had even offered to pay for therapy for Kath, but she didn’t want to accept it.
I just felt bad for Tom, especially since I had some understanding of what he was going through. I had previously had a girlfriend who had anxiety/depression/BPD and put all her mental health issues on me. That girlfriend was also very manipulative and would mention suicidal thoughts any time she started feeling like she was losing control over me (just to be clear, there was no indication that Kath was acting in a manipulative way towards Tom at that point). In my experience, when you end up in a situation where you’re essentially acting as someone’s full-time personal mental health counsellor, it hardly ever ends well.
At some point in January, I met Kath’s “bestie” flatmate, Emily. I remember thinking she was cute, seemed nice and easy to talk to. We all hung out as a group a few times that month and I thought there may have been a little bit of a vibe between me and Emily.
So as you do, I slid into Emily’s DMs and basically let her know I was interested. I messaged her a week or two before our party that her and Kath were coming to, but her response was lukewarm so I just thought she probably wasn’t interested.
For context, I had recently broken up with my girlfriend in January, who had just got back from travelling for the last 6 months. Things in that relationship weren’t great before she even went travelling, and during the months she was away I had come to terms with the fact that it was best to end it. I waited until she was back to say it in person, as I didn’t want to drop that on her while she was travelling and ruin that once in a lifetime experience. However, deep down I knew I had wanted talk to other girls and explore new connections for the last few months, but obviously I didn’t want talk to anyone until it was cleanly over. Me messaging Emily was only a few days after breaking up with her, which I guess isn’t great, but in my head I had been ready to move on for a while, I saw no point in putting an arbitrary time limit on myself. I made sure to explain this context when I messaged Emily so that she was aware of my recent circumstances.
The Party (End of January)
So me and Emily end up getting with each other at the party. Initially, when I brought up me messaging her, she said “I think you’re cute, but I think it’s best we just be friends for the next couple months, since you just recently got out of a relationship, and we can see what happens afterwards”. But as the night went on, I guess Emily changed her mind, because as we kept talking it got increasingly flirty and we ended up getting together. Perfect end to the night, right? Not exactly.
At one point when Emily goes to the bathroom, she comes back into my bedroom saying “Kath is furious at me”. I ask why, and she says that Kath had basically forbidden her from getting with me.
Back when I first messaged Emily, she had of course shown Kath the messages straight away. It turns out Kath for some reason had a really intense reaction to this and was like “I can’t believe he has the audacity to hit on my best friend right after breaking up with his girlfriend! It’s so disrespectful using you as a rebound, it’s disrespectful to his ex and it’s disrespectful to me for hitting on my best friend like this! He was the only one of Tom’s friends that I actually liked but he’s ruined that too now!”.
Apparently, Kath had been used as a rebound before and this was triggering for her, so she didn’t want her best friend to be used as a rebound. She said “you can’t get with him, Emily, that’s my boundary.” Emily was a bit taken aback by the intensity of this reaction and was just a bit like “umm okay…?”. She tried a few times before the party to understand a bit more about why Kath had such a problem with it but didn’t get much further explanation than that.
Now, I agree that Emily was in the wrong for saying to Kath that she wouldn’t get with me and then went and did it anyway, and Emily also acknowledges this. Emily should have said from the start she wasn’t okay with this weird “boundary” Kath had set. It was a bit cowardly. Although given how intensely Kath overreacts to things, I can understand why Emily initially just agreed to whatever she was saying to calm her down. I can also understand how when you’re at a party having fun, drinking and realise that you do actually have a good vibe with the person, in the moment you might change your mind and be like “actually fuck that, who the fuck is she to tell me who I can and can’t get with?”.
Kath saw this as Emily having no respect for their friendship, by choosing some guy she’d just met over her. From Emily’s perspective she was choosing herself, choosing not to follow these nonsensical rules that had been imposed on her, and she was just tired of Kath overreacting to everything and trying to control her.
In my opinion, being this controlling for no good reason is pretty disrespectful in itself. Given that Kath’s reason for telling Emily not to get with me was because she didn’t want her to be used as a rebound…well that’s Emily’s risk to take, isn’t it? I can see how from Emily’s perspective, she knew Kath might not be happy about it, but it’s also not some deep betrayal, since based on the reason Kath gave, the consequence would only be on Emily herself. Emily had the exact same knowledge about my recent relationship status as Kath did, so why did Kath think she can tell her what to do?
As we get to further into this post and the real reason why Kath set this “boundary” is revealed, you will see why I actually think any argument Kath has against Emily for getting with me at the party is automatically void, but we will learn these details as they come.
Start of February
After the events of the party, Kath didn’t want to talk to Emily the next day when she tried to initiate communication via message (Kath tends to avoid in-person confrontation). Fair enough, Emily gave her space. Me and Emily spend the next day together just talking and getting to know each other more, and it’s clear that we vibe together and both feel very comfortable with each other, which is pretty rare for both of us.
I don’t see Tom for the first few days after the party, as he had been staying at Kath’s. When I do, I’m a bit surprised that he didn’t think much of Kath’s reaction at the party. He says “yeah I probably should have warned you about this beforehand”. We both agree that Emily was in the wrong for going back on what she said, but also that Kath shouldn’t have tried to control her like that. He did say “sorry I know this put you in an awkward position”.
A few days after the party, Emily again tries to get in touch with Kath via message.
Emily’s message essentially apologised for her actions, saying she was in the wrong for going back on what she said, and that she should have said from the start that she wasn’t happy with this “boundary”. She also said that Kath shouldn’t have tried to dictate her life and tell her what to do, especially when it’s something that’s none of her business, and that she is going to continue seeing me, taking the risk of being a “rebound”.
Kath’s response essentially said the whole incident at the party was only a small part of why she exploded so intensely, this was just the last in a long line of things Emily had done in the past which she had not forgiven her for. This was just the last straw for Kath because “it hit so close to home, so close to the love of my life”. She wanted things to be civil between them until the end of their tenancy, but this was essentially the end of their friendship.
Okay good, Kath flipping out so badly now finally made a bit more sense to me. Obviously, I wanted to know what Emily had done that was so bad to cause this, as any indicators of bad character would inform whether I choose to keep talking to her.
Emily went through these, explaining that these were incidents from their past that they had discussed at the time, dealt with and moved on from. I have cut these out for the word limit as they don’t add much to this post, but it was the most minor, nonsensical things (I can explain in the comments if anyone wants details).
In any case, I wasn’t particularly interested in what mistakes Emily might have made months or years ago, I was more interested in what her character was like now and going forward.
Early/Mid February
So here’s where the main situation we’re in now starts. For context, Kath and Emily’s apartment is in the city center, close to where both mine and Tom’s offices are, so it would make sense to go over in the evening and go into work from theirs the next morning, as Tom has been doing once or twice a week for the last few months.
It's worth noting that ever since the party right up to the present moment, Emily and Kath have not been interacting at all, avoiding each other in their apartment, only messaging for things like bill payments.
The first time I planned to go stay round Emily’s place was early/mid-February. When I mention this to Tom, he tells me that Kath has been having a really bad time mentally since the party, and the thought of me and Emily being there together triggers her anxiety. He asks me not to go over to their apartment for the next couple of weeks or so while she’s in this particularly bad phase. I don’t really understand what me going over and seeing Emily has to do with Kath’s anxiety (and Tom says he doesn't really understand it either himself), but I say okay fine it’s not that big of deal, I won’t go over for the time being.
Now, a valid question for myself is why I decided to keep seeing Emily, despite knowing that Kath had fallen out with her and therefore knowing it could potentially cause fiction between me and Tom. I don’t think I did anything wrong for several reasons:
· I suppose there’s the general visceral reaction against being told what to do. Like mind your own business, it’s not my fault Kath decided to get involved in my business. Why should she get what she wants when she’s the one being unreasonable? Why should we deny ourselves the opportunity of getting to know someone we seem to vibe with just because Tom’s girlfriend doesn’t like it?
· Before I even knew there was any issue at all, it was already too late; I had already gotten with Emily, they had already fallen out, and Kath already thought I was a dickhead. So what good would it do now to not see each other? Kath already didn’t like me (and she had also previously told me that once she doesn’t like someone, there’s no going back, they’re finished in her mind).
· In the initial first few days after the party, both me and Tom were kind of expecting that Kath’s reaction would blow over in a few days after she had cooled down. How could I have predicted that her reaction would instead continue getting increasingly intense as the situation went on?
· Frankly, I was annoyed at Tom at this point. He knew how Kath had reacted to me messaging Emily, so why did he just bend over and enable his girlfriends’ controlling, unreasonable behavior without question? If it was my girlfriend acting like this generally, I’d be like “why are you getting involved in their business, just let them do what they want?”, and especially so if it was directly affecting one of my close friends.
· Fundamentally, there’s no inherent reason why there had to be any issue at all? Okay Kath has ended her friendship with Emily and might not like that we’re seeing each other, but there’s no need for there to be any continued drama. Obviously we won’t all be hanging out as a four having fun like I had initially hoped, but that doesn’t mean we can’t just exist as adults and be civil? The only reason this continues to be an issue in the first place is because Kath is making it an issue for everyone else involved.
· Finally, I actually like Emily – from the first few days it was clear it wasn’t just going to be a FWB situation. If it felt like more of a superficial FWB situation, then yeah I probably would have just thought it’s not worth the drama, even though I thought Kath was the one in the wrong.
Late February
Over the month of February, me and Emily keep hanging out and getting closer. Whilst I was keeping a very close eye on her for any sign of character flaws (it was still possible that Kath could be in the right, even though her side of it didn’t make much sense to me), the more I got to know her, the more it seemed my initial judgment of her was accurate. I saw how she acted with her other friends, they all seemed to really value and appreciate her. I saw her helping out her friend in need of a fairly large amount of money without a second thought, I saw her going to accompany her friend for a medical scan they had, and generally she was really nice and thoughtful with me. Not exactly the behavior of an inconsiderate person.
Sometime in late February, Emily messages me completely baffled. She couldn’t believe that Kath had invited over a girl from their social circle, Dianne. The reason why this is a bit scandalous is because Kath is always talking shit about Dianne behind her back. And it’s not just “she can be a bit annoying sometimes”, it’s an explicit sentiment of how much she dislikes her, how much of a bad person she is and how much she wants her removed from her life. And she does this frequently, I barely speak to Kath and even I’ve heard her rant about how much she doesn’t like Dianne. So, she’s constantly saying this kind of stuff behind her back, and here she is now inviting her round for tea acting all friendly. I just found that so two-faced and this inevitably shaped my perception of Kath being deceptive.
Not long after I heard about this, Kath was round our place over the weekend. Me, Tom and Kath were heading off to our friend’s housewarming party later that day, with me driving us. At one point when the three of us are all in the kitchen, Kath speaks to me properly for the first time since the party, basically to clear the air. She says she doesn’t want there to be any bad blood between us and that her problem wasn’t with me, it was with Emily. I just say that I was cool with her, I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me or when coming over to our apartment, and that the situation between her and Emily was between them and not my business.
I wasn’t entirely convinced with her “clearing the air”, given that I had seen she apparently has no issue with being two-faced, but at the time I thought it was best to stay cool with her for the sake of me and Tom’s friendship and also I didn’t particularly fancy spending the rest of the day and a long car ride with awkward vibes.
End of February
At the end of February, Tom asks me how things are going with Emily and basically advises caution with her. He says that from what he’s seen she’s basically not a good person and she’s generally inconsiderate. I tell him I find that surprising from what I’ve seen of Emily, but I know it’s possible she could have just been putting on a front for the last month. I openly accept this, saying “I want to hear what you have to say, obviously you’re my friend and I respect your opinion”.
Essentially, he doesn’t bring up anything that I hadn’t already been told.
When I question Tom on why Kath thought she was a mind reader and assuming what my intentions were with Emily at the very start of this whole thing, Tom reveals he had since found out that the real reason Kath had forbidden Emily from getting with me in the first place actually wasn’t really to do with me recently breaking up with my girlfriend/using Emily as a rebound (Tom said this was a minor part of the reason, more of an excuse to base it on). It was more that Kath already knew beforehand that she wanted to end her friendship with Emily and was essentially trying to prevent her still being part of her life (i.e. by getting close to her boyfriend’s friend/flatmate).
Now it all made sense why Kath tried to “ban” her from getting with me in the first place. I’m not sure if Tom thought telling me this would make me more sympathetic to Kath’s side of it, but if anything, this deceptive behavior was even more of a red flag to me. As far as everyone (except for Kath) was concerned, her and Emily were best friends. Kath had even said to Emily a couple of weeks before the party that “she was like a sister to her”.
Tom didn’t seem to have much issue with this, saying something along the lines of “yeah I know she shouldn’t have kept all this stuff bottled up, but she doesn’t like confrontation, it makes her really anxious”.
After learning this, I think any argument for Emily being in the wrong for disobeying Kath’s instructions at the party is automatically void: Imagine having the audacity to be like “yeah I know I tried to control you by framing it as me being a protective friend looking out for you, but actually it was really because I wanted to end my friendship with you anyway teehee 😊”. In my view that is just so manipulative. No wonder the reason given to Emily for not getting with me made no sense to her.
When I revealed this to Emily, she said that she had been suspecting that was the case anyway, but it still really hurt to hear it confirmed.
Form her perspective it was like: “So was Kath holding all these grudges all the times I was consoling her for whatever mental health issue she was having at any given time?” (I wonder if Tom was thinking what a bad person Emily was when it was him and Emily staying up till stupid o’clock trying to console Kath who was crying about job applications a few weeks before all this kicked off). There are many other examples of things she had done for Kath in both the recent and more distant past.
Kath also knew that Emily’s best friend had killed herself a few years prior, and after going through the loss of her best friend, Emily had always said she was super hesitant to call anyone her “best friend”. Kath knew about this and still let Emily believe they were best friends, whilst she clearly didn’t really mean it, which I think is quite cruel of her.
Despite what I had seen of Emily so far, I still took what Tom said into account, and continued to watch her carefully.
Mid March
Another couple of weeks pass and given that my last interaction with Kath was her clearing the air with me, I thought everything was now cool between us. I mention to Tom at the start of the week that I’m planning to stay at their apartment later that week and he says “okay cool”. However, later that same evening, he once again asks me not to go over to their apartment. Apparently when he told Kath that I was going over, she started having a panic attack at the thought of me going there.
At this point I’m really started to get frustrated at this situation and again I try to understand exactly what the problem is, because this entire time Kath and Tom have been coming and going to either apartment as they please, so Kath clearly doesn’t have a problem coming to my apartment while I’m there. Tom again says that he doesn’t fully understand it himself, and that Kath doesn’t want to feel this way either, but she’s in a really bad place at the moment and me being there with Emily is really triggering her anxiety.
This makes no sense to me or Emily, because we obviously wouldn’t do anything to make Kath uncomfortable, and from our perspective this is just enabling her dysfunctional way of dealing with this situation.
Even though I still don’t understand what the fuck me seeing Emily has got to do with Kath’s mental health, I’m obviously not going to barge my way into someone’s home when I’m not welcome. So once again, I do as I’m told and say I won’t go over. But I do tell Tom that this situation isn’t going to continue going on like this indefinitely, and to me it feels to me like I’m being walked all over, in the sense of “oh yeah no worries, you two carry on going to either apartment as you please, I’ll just sit here like a dickhead and follow my instructions, don’t worry about it 😊”. He does say sorry and that he knows it’s inconvenient for us, but it's an even bigger inconvenience for Kath.
It’s worth bearing in mind that at this point, I could have responded to this situation by saying that if I’m not welcome at her apartment, Kath is not welcome here (or equally Emily could say to Kath “you can’t bring Tom round”). Whilst yes, it’s a bit petty, I think this would be a completely justified response to prevent a situation where we are being walked all over. Because what would be the alternative? They just carry on doing as they please indefinitely whilst Emily is told she isn’t allowed to have equal use of her own apartment? Now obviously telling your friend that his girlfriend isn’t allowed to come over is really a last resort and would definitely put a big dent in our friendship, and generally I have no desire to control what anyone else does, so of course I didn’t respond in this way.
Despite my frustration at this entire situation, I do feel bad for Tom because I can see how uncomfortable he seems during these conversations with me, he obviously doesn’t want to give me these unreasonable instructions. I can only assume he’s just trying to do whatever he can to keep his girlfriend afloat and prevent her next meltdown. I’ve been there myself dealing with a girlfriend with mental health issues, so I don’t want to actively make things worse for my friend either. However, I’m also worried that it’s likely to get worse for him the more he feeds into it and gets sucked into it.
At this point, the cynical side of me couldn’t help but wonder if Kath was being a bit manipulative and leaning into all the mental health stuff to maintain control of the situation.
· She seemingly is unable to give a reason for exactly why me and Emily being in her apartment makes her so uncomfortable. To me, this was completely indistinguishable from her just hating the fact that we’re together.
· All this reminds me of exactly the same kind of manipulative behavior I saw with that ex-girlfriend.
· She’s shown she has no problem with being intentionally deceptive – maybe if the entire basis of this situation hadn’t started off with Kath being manipulative she would have a bit more credibility in my eyes.
I know this kind of behavior is often not even intentional, and that it can be subconscious where the person doesn’t even realise they’re being manipulative.
(Still Mid March)
Now we get to the part that pisses me off the most in this whole situation. Only a few days after that conversation with Tom, for some reason Kath comes to stay in our apartment for the weekend while Tom was away at a house party. As in, it’s just me and Kath in my apartment.
Personally, I couldn’t imagine having the nerve to say to someone they aren’t welcome in my home because their presence triggers me, and then only a mere few days later actively choosing to go stay the weekend at their place while it’s just us two in the apartment. Like either my presence triggers you or it doesn’t?
Now to be fair, Tom had asked me a week or two beforehand if Kath could come to our apartment to hang out with someone from our friend group while he was away, and I said that was cool. Anyway, those plans fell through, but Kath still came over by herself.
But the main thing that pissed me off about this is that Tom, after knowing that I was already feeling like I was being taken for a mug in this situation, apparently didn’t even think it was worth bothering to check with me if it was still cool with me that Kath came round, given our conversation a few days prior.
If he’d at least checked in like, “I know it’s a bit weird that she’s coming to stay round by herself after having just said that your presence triggers her anxiety”, I still would’ve said okay, because I have no desire to control what anyone does. But it was just the fact he didn’t seem to care, saying “btw Kath is gonna stay here tonight” moments before leaving to his party.
To me it felt like he had spent the last month or so basically giving me instructions to make sure everyone caters to his girlfriend’s feelings, and yet didn’t give the slightest consideration to how this would make me feel. Part of me was thinking does he even see me as a friend or just as an inconvenience to his relationship at this point?
I spoke to Tom in the week following this, expressing how I had felt about Kath staying round. He did apologise and acknowledged he could’ve checked in with me, but he didn’t really seem to understand why her coming over like that was such a kick in the teeth for me. He said Kath doesn’t have a problem with me, it’s only a very specific situation that triggers her (i.e. me and Emily being in her apartment together).
Again I try to understand exactly why it’s a problem. Ever since the party, Emily’s presence in their apartment has consisted of her quietly staying in her room, quickly cooking her food and going straight back to her room. She doesn’t spend 2 hours in the kitchen making food like Kath and Tom sometimes do when he’s there.
Tom again says he doesn’t fully understand it himself. From what he understands, it’s triggering because her home is her safe space and if we’re both there it’s like there’s two hostile presences in that safe space. He reiterated that she is in a very dark place at the moment, and that she’s been having frequent panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.
Tom then says that Kath would be prepared to leave the apartment if me and Emily wanted to meet there, and Kath would basically get out of the way and come to me and Tom’s apartment instead. This did give me a bit more confidence that Kath wasn’t just purposefully making things difficult.
If Kath genuinely meant this, then of course that’s really appreciated, but I’m obviously not going to make her leave her own home and come all the way to ours to then have a 2 hour commute to her work. It’s so over the top and needless. I think that this clearly isn’t a functional solution going forward. What if one day when we want to meet up, Kath has had a long day at work and doesn’t feel like leaving her apartment (obviously, fair enough!), what if she’s got plans with friends in her apartment that evening? In any case, it’s still a situation where rules are being imposed on us, I can never just spontaneously decide to go see Emily one day after work or something. We still can’t come and go freely in the same way they have been doing for the past two months. It would be much better to understand why exactly it’s such a problem and see how we’re going to find a long-term solution, instead of Kath just running away from it.
The cynical side of me was wondering if Kath was just saying this knowing that neither me or Emily are realistically going to make her leave her own home, and if we do agree to it, then she can say “oh look how inconsiderate they are, making me leave my own home just so that they can be in the apartment”, ensuring that she keeps Tom firmly on her side.
Logically, I would’ve thought as time goes on, Kath would eventually get used to the situation and just accept it. Conversely, is it not quite understandable that the longer we have rules imposed on us, the more frustrated we become?
Once again say that I won’t go over and tell him that I won’t press this issue for the time being.
Late April
So now we get to the latest development in the situation, which is the crux of this post.
For the next month or so after that conversation with Tom, me and Emily have just been following our instructions and not pressed anything, whilst they continue coming and going as they please. One weekend we’re talking about the whole ‘Kath situation’ and we say “okay we’ve left it for a while now, it’s probably time to see how we’re going to move forward with this”.
In that next week, Emily sends Kath the following message:
“Hey, I appreciate this message might be uncomfortable but we need to discuss the fact that Jake can’t come here while you’re at home because I know that him and Tom have spoken about this but we’ve never addressed it with each other and I think it’s unfair that they’ve been largely absorbing this conflict this whole time. Can you please tell me what the exact problem would be and how we could make it work? At the end of the day we both pay equal rent here and I should be allowed to bring someone over, especially considering that Tom comes here whenever you want. We’re nothing more than just 2 housemates now and if you were living with a stranger from Spareroom such restrictions couldn’t have existed. I think I’ve let it slide and should have addressed it earlier, but it’s time we come up with a fair solution and I’d like to know if there’s anything reasonable we can do. I don’t want to go into other conversations about our fallout cause that’s done and dusted now, I want to strictly address this issue. Would you like some notice before he comes? I can’t always guarantee how far in advance I can let you know but I will do my best to give you enough time.”
Kath’s response:
“hey, I do not really appreciate this conversation being brought up 2 days before my birthday and I wish we can settle it today and not drag it on. And I do not appreciate you using Tom as a weapon to guilt trip me either. Please let me know if he is coming over tonight so that I can go somewhere else. As u probably already know I am in a really bad place at the moment and being in the apartment with both of you makes me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. I’m already struggling to be there and I have been discussing with the agency about terminating the contract early, the terms have only been made clear to me today so I was going to message you about it. By paying a fee of £660 (£330 each) we can terminate the contract 12^th of June and I wish u will consider this. I will be gone from the apartment for 2 weeks. I would really appreciate it if you do not bring him over in the next few days as I said it will be my birthday and I will be gone for 2 weeks after if you decide to do so after this, please let me know at least 2 days in advance so that I can leave (pack clothes and everything), but do not take advantage of this as it is extremely difficult for me to commute to work – it takes me 2 hours on the bus”
Emily’s response to this:
“I don’t appreciate you using your birthday as a “weapon” to paint me as an inconsiderate person once again as you’re saying you were going to message me anyway about terminating the contract. You always have Tom round without any notice, without ever considering if it was ever uncomfortable for me given what’s happened - but now you expect me to organise our schedule around you? We can’t ever do something spontaneous or simply make plans the day before? Jake won’t be coming tonight or in the next few days until you’re away. I was hoping we could talk about why exactly this makes you uncomfortable and unsafe as it’s quite clear we wouldn’t interact with you or do anything to purposely upset/annoy you. You also had no problem being in his apartment with him without Tom there, so clearly his presence must not be that big of a problem. I am going to get back to you about terminating the contract as I have to figure out where I would go, but I’d love nothing more than to leave this apartment as early as possible too.”
There was no response after Emily’s second message.
Tom comes back to our apartment the next day and ignores me all day until the evening when he asks “Did you know that Emily was going to send those messages?”.
I say “Yes, obviously?”. He responds with “Right, okay” and starts walking back towards his room.
I ask him what was wrong with the messages, and he comes back and says “what the fuck is Emily doing sending messages like that to my suicidal girlfriend?”. He essentially thought the tone of the messages, the proximity to Kath’s birthday and the fact that we’re once again bringing up this issue of me coming round was out of order. He also said that Emily’s 2^nd message was implying that she was just going to bring me round without any notice anyway (looking at the message, no it wasn’t? It was just highlighting the unfairness of Kath expecting us to organise our schedule around her? None of the messages say that I’m going to come over, they are essentially just trying to understand exactly why it makes Kath uncomfortable).
We also did note that it was Kath’s birthday on the Friday (messages were sent on Tuesday). Maybe that wasn’t ideal, but we thought what real difference does it make? This is nothing new, it’s the same situation that’s been ongoing for the last 3 months anyway (and personally, I thought that up until the moment Kath says “okay sorry, I shouldn’t have imposed rules on you” then she shouldn’t expect that this won’t be brought up to her?).
I was a bit shocked at how angry he was and explained that we’re just trying to understand exactly what her issue is, because it still doesn’t make any sense to us. I bring up the general point about Kath imposing rules on people and expects everyone to cater to her feelings, whilst zero consideration has been given to how Emily has felt over the last 3 months, when not only does it make her uncomfortable as well that there are two “hostile presences” in her home, but especially given that those hostile presences have told her she’s not allowed to have equal use of her apartment she also pays rent for.
Tom responds with “but it’s not making Emily feel suicidal is it? Kath was having convulsions on the fucking bed last night after those messages. Why do you keep focusing on this tiny issue of coming to the apartment when my girlfriend is literally suicidal? She’s already said she’d make arrangements to leave the apartment for when you want to come over, and yet you keep pressing the issue and triggering her further”.
In that moment I was a bit taken aback and didn’t have much of a response. I kind of just sat and processed that for a few minutes, thinking “fuck, have I actually been in the wrong this whole time?”. Tom looked exhausted and stressed out, he must have been dealing with Kath’s meltdown the whole of the night before.
I say to Tom “tell Kath not to worry about me coming over while she’s there, I’m not going to, I’ll just leave it for good and won’t press this issue anymore”. Tom doesn’t give much of a response, but I think he says “I appreciate it”. He leaves for his two-week holiday shortly after.
I felt really bad that evening, thinking I had caused Tom to have to deal with whatever horrible meltdown because of me pressing this issue. Maybe I had been overly cynical of Kath, and she genuinely was just trying her best and not meaning to be manipulative.
When Tom got back from his holiday, he basically confirmed our friendship is over because I had known about those messages that caused his girlfriend to feel suicidal.
I’ve thought about the situation a lot since he left for his holiday:
· Looking back at the messages Emily sent, I think the tone is completely fine? Every single person I’ve shown the messages to has said they are actually quite kind and empathetic, and way nicer than they need to be given Kath’s behavior over the last 3 months.
· Tom’s reaction was essentially “how dare Emily have the audacity to ask for a reason why she hasn’t been allowed to have equal use of her own apartment for the last 3 months!”
· It’s true that Tom had mentioned that Kath had been having some suicidal thoughts a month prior, but I didn’t know that this would directly impact that, especially since I thought the message was quite nice and sensitive. Just the weekend before this Tom and Kath were out clubbing, having fun and they were going on holiday later that week. So obviously I didn’t realise she was still feeling so bad. How could anyone expect that simply asking the question of “why does this make you so uncomfortable” would result in this reaction.
· As soon as I did realise how intensely Kath had reacted, and what Tom had had to deal with as a result, I backed off straight away, saying that she doesn’t have to worry, I’m not going to press it anymore.
· Realistically, if this is how Kath reacts to being asked for basic fairness, then I think really she needs to be in a mental health crisis center or hospital, not just carrying on with everyday life as if everything is fine, and certainly not in a situation where she’s imposing rules on people.
· At the end of the day, Kath’s mental health is not my responsibility, nor is it Tom’s responsibility. I think it’s unfair of Kath to have made it his problem to such a large degree.
Logically, I don’t think I’m in the wrong, and yet Tom’s reaction to this makes me feel like I’m going crazy. That’s why I wrote out everything’s that’s happened from start to finish to “audit” myself and evaluate each of my actions throughout the entire situation.
I’ve looked back and don’t think I’m in the wrong for anything I’ve done. The only explanation I can think of is that Tom has been so deep in all of Kath’s mental health stuff 24/7 that he’s just not thinking clearly about this situation.

BoxOfficeTheory Presale Tracking
USA Showtimes As of May 10
Presales Data (Google Sheets Link)
BoxOfficeReport Previews
DOMESTIC PRESALES
Back to Black Thursday Comps/Predictions: $0.35M/$0.37M

• abracadabra1998 ($0.35M Thursday comp. Probably looking at EA around $100k from these numbers, it's limited to Dolby only though so it's quite tiny (May 15). Yikes bikes (May 12).)
  
• crazymoviekid ($0.39M Thursday and $1.21M Friday comp. We're back up to $.3M-$.5M Thursday while Friday is pretty consistent, still around $1.15M-$1.4M. Estimated OW: $4.5M-$5.5M (May 16). Knocking this down to $.25M Thursday. Despite relatively strong sales, comps are low around $1.25M for Friday (May 15). Not great. Let's say $.3M (May 14).)
  
• el sid ($0.38M Thursday comp. Average tomorrow will probably be around 400k (May 15).)
  
• filmlover (Looking at the sales even for the early shows on Wednesday it's on the anemic side (and nothing that's likely to boost it over the next days). Feels like we're about to see how low a biopic about a famous musician can go (May 10).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex ($0.38M Thursday comp.)
  
• Relevation ($0.26M Thursday comp. And for how shitty IF did, Back to Black cratered even harder, and likely would've been the worst selling movie I've ever tracked had I not run numbers a little late. Sub-$300K THU and a $2.5-4M OW (May 15).)
  
• Rorschach (Zero tickets sold on Thursday and only four on Friday. I don't think I'll be missing much (May 13).)
  

IF Thursday Comps/Predictions: $1.72M/$1.80M

• abracadabra1998 ($1.5M Thursday comp. Really good update here, FINALLY! Been waiting for this. This is encouraging for sure. With this growth now maybe shooting for a finish near 1.75 or maybe even approach 2. Eek. Zero sales day only a few days before previews, when you're dealing with a very low baseline. I'm not sure what's happening here (May 15). Most comps did move the right direction. If it keeps trending up perhaps I can see a finish around $1.5M Thursday. One thing to peep at: the MTC1 ratio (59%) is unusually large compared to other family releases. At T-2, other releases' MTC1 % was at: KFP4: 51%, Migration: 34%, Wonka: 59%, Wish: 35%, Trolls: 24%. So much more comparable to Wonka and KFP4; maybe something to think about when looking at keyser's numbers and thinking of the ratio there (May 14). My model has been pretty good for animated/family releases in the past, hence why every comp is so eerily similar. Still, looking at others' numbers and how much lower mine are, I am wondering if summer break might be something to consider here; from what I am aware, here in Minnesota most school districts don't start break until June (May 13). Hoping for some real acceleration this last week but not looking good (May 12). One week out, not impressed in the slightest (May 9). Rising against comps as expected, due to the short release window, but I am still failing to see anything that suggests the numbers given by some other outlets (May 5).)
  
• AniNate (All I can say is if you look at Tinseltown Canton presales the IF projections ($30M+) seem pretty reasonable. I will grant they might've booked more screens than necessary for it (May 16). I'm gonna guess that Nick IP spot for IF this morning ratcheted up interest, Fri-Sun sales at Canton now close to 200. Also of those 200 about 50 were for XD. Not the usual overwhelming presale split but not insignificant for a kids movie also playing on two standard screens (May 13). 45 sold at the five nearest Cinemarks for Thursday previews so far, so yeah there's evidently some kind of regional variation (May 13). I definitely haven't seen as much of a rush here with Garfield as with IF (May 11). I dunno, I have no comps but I feel like local presales is a pretty sizable haul a week in advance for an original non-Disney kids movie (May 9).)
  
• crazymoviekid ($2.43M Thursday and $8.49M Friday comp. Not a great day. Back down to $1.75M-$2M Thursday but pretty good day for Friday, bumping up to $7M-$7.5M. Estimate OW: $27M-$29M (May 16). Comps mostly are up. Adjusting up to around $2M-$2.25M Thursday. Unless this plays like Elemental, we're aiming around $6.5M-$7M Friday. Estimated OW: $25M-$27M (May 15). Definitely looking around $1.75M Thursday for now (May 14).
  
• DAJK (Selling pretty well so far here (May 4).)
  
• el sid ($2.4M Thursday comp. Friday up so-so 116% since last Monday. I chose Jungle Cruise, Dolittle, Elemental, Minions 2 and Sonic 2 as comps (always counted on Monday of the release week for Friday) and the true Friday number for IF would be 6.6M at the moment. In this case the comparison numbers were very similar, around 6-7M. Overall it was a boring counting today which lasted too long for so few action. And judging from some random samples Garfield also saw no significant jumps (I also didn't expect much, it's still too early IMO). Thursday up 92% since last Monday. I hoped for a bit better jump till today :( but it's also not too bad. So for Friday no big numbers but up 75% since last Monday (and the jump must have happened pretty recently) (May 13). Up 73.5% since Monday (where it had 143 sold tickets). Best sales in California, not doing too bad between the coasts. The number today is ok to me (May 12). Not really signs for a breakout for Friday so far, but very solid. It will not really get 4-6M Thursday e.g. compared to Migration but from most comps the number could be pretty decent (May 7). Looked good for the film, both on Thursday and on Friday (May 6).)
  
• jeffthehat ($1.90M Thursday comp. Slipped a little vs. comps. Sub-20% growth seems bad at this stage and opening size for a family film. But maybe walkups are better than presales suggest. Thinking $1.8m +/- $0.2m tomorrow (May 15).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex ($1.62M Combined SizeAdjusted+GrowthModel Thursday comp. $1.50M Santikos Thursday comp. Sticking to the 1.5m - 1.75m range. I'm looking for a +40% final day that would finish at 1.8m avg comps and 1.62m growth forecast. I'm not ruling out 2m, but it would need to have a very good day (May 16). Raising my expectations to 1.5 - 1.75m range. I don't really have a good feel for what age this is playing to (May 15). Thinking somewhere in the 1.2m-1.5m Thursday range despite a couple of higher comps (May 14).)
  
• keysersoze123 (Friday pace is promising (May 16). Dont think even if it doubles the gross, 2m is locked. But even if it does, it would barely do that much. Let us see how walkups go tomorrow. Pace is really meh for T-2. $1.75m ish for previews. OW should be similar to what I saw yesterday for now (May 15). I would say it should hit 2m previews or even more if walkups are strong. OW probably in mid to high 20s for now. Its Friday sales are not that much higher than thursday for crazy IM like say Panda 4 (May 14).)
  
• Relevation ($1.18M Thursday comp. IF completely tanked here, brutal comp average with no good comparisons at all. $1.2-1.5M THU and something in the ballpark of an $18-24M OW? (May 15).)
  
• RichWS (15 screen theater near me is giving IF peak Marvel number of showings. I know it's short and the market is quiet, but damn (May 14).)
  
• Rorschach (Good growth for IF, especially after Tuesday's abysmal sales (May 15). Even with no comps to go off, this growth seems pretty weaksauce. I guess we'll see how it goes tomorrow (May 14).)
  
• Shawn Robbins (The pre-sales I'm seeing in multiple markets are little better than I think some expect here. I wouldn't be shocked with a number between 2 and 2.5 for Thursday, as well as big jumps on Friday and Saturday. The flip side of that coin is the reviews... although kids won't care. Could see 40 happening if this plays super strong in family markets and outside coastal cities like I suspect it could, but I'm surprised the studio didn't low ball it a little more to be safe... especially since we had been very publicly keeping our range in the high 20s/low 30s from the bottom end (May 15).)
  
• TheFlatLannister ($2.39M Thursday comp. Really not much going on. Don't think walkups will be super strong either (May 13). Not much growth (May 10). Pace is collapsing a bit. Continues its downward trend (May 7). After a strong start, this has cooled off quite a bit (May 4).)
  
• Tinalera (Pretty quiet Vancouver and Calgary area (May 13).)
  
• vafrow ($0.6M Thursday comp. Well, we finally got something. It still lags behind comps, and if I could be bothered to track walk ups, I'm guessing this will do okay. But it's still lagging some very reasonable comps by a large margin here (May 16). It's going up, but slowly. The thing that hit me looking at the numbers is that the most popular format so far is the VIP theatres, which are 19+. With such low sales, you can't read too much into anything, but it kind of speaks to how this isn't grabbing the family crowd (May 14). Some marginal movement, but we're running out of time for this. At this stage, I expect my market is an anomaly, but I still hope and expect it will close the gap in the final few days (May 13). Still nothing (May 12). Still nothing happening. I did check Friday sales, and it was a lot stronger with 51 tickets sold. That's better, but still not tremendous. I also checked the wider radius, where it's pretty much exactly where Haunted Mansion was, which hit $3.1M opening (May 11). Still nothing really happening here (May 10). Since the last update, they released full showtime sets, and it actually lost two showtimes rather than gain. From the sound of it, it might be doing better in other Canadian markets, particularly BC (May 8). Numbers are still really low, making the standard track fairly useless. I did do a larger 100km radius track, encompassing the broader southern Ontaro market (~8M population, MTC4 being about 70-80% of the market). Even against Haunted Mansion, which underindexed here, it's not doing well (May 4).)
  
• YM! (So far in the four Wisconsin theaters I’ve tracked, IF is at about 45% of where Wish was at in the two theaters I’ve tracked 30 minutes before previews. Think it could get to something similar before preview time (May 16).)
  

The Strangers: Chapter 1 Thursday Comps/Predictions: $1.49M/$1.37M

• abracadabra1998 ($1M Thursday comp. Perhaps this will follow the Nun and the Exorcist comps, but I am not fully convinced. I'll just go with the average here and call it a day with my prediction: $1 Million, +/- 0.2. Not much movement here (May 15). Not a good update at all but I am wondering about the summer break deal here as well. For Back to Black it shouldn't affect it much I would think (May 13).)
  
• crazymoviekid ($1.24M Thursday and $4.35M Friday comp. Decent day. Feeling an inch past $1.25M Thursday but much better comps for Friday, aiming now between $4M-$5M. Estimated OW: $14M-$17M (May 16). Comps leveling off. Adjusting up to $1M Thursday and wouldn't trust Friday comp ($10.05M) (May 15). Weird comps. Let's go for $.5M-$.75M Thursday comp.)
  
• el sid ($1.9M Thursday comp. Nice surprise. Up very nice 67.5% since Monday (May 15). From what I saw, it had an ok jump till today but the jump till Wednesday will be way more important. But so far, decent presales (May 14).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex ($1.54M Combined SizeAdjusted+GrowthModel Thursday comp. $1.82M Santikos Thursday comp. Keeping on track to match IF tonight (May 16). We could have a preview battle on our hands! (May 14).)
  
• Relevation ($1.85M Thursday comp. The Strangers: Chapter One sold surprisingly well here, even somehow knocking IF for best selling movie of the weekend. Comps are hovering in the $1.5-2.2M range and I don't have a clue how walkups play here, but I suppose the $1.85M THU average my comps spit out sounds pretty right, combined with a $15Mish OW (May 15).)
  
• Rorschach ($1.09M/$4.68M/$5.23M Thursday/Friday/Thursday+Friday comp. Decent day for Strangers. Didn't quite continue off yesterday's big bump, but still holding well against the Tarot comp (May 15). More than double from yesterday's count. Curious to see if it keeps up the momentum going forward (May 14). Tarot had more tickets sold for Thursday compared to its Friday showings when I checked the Monday before it came out; hence, why the comps are so all over the place at the moment. The Thurs + Fri comp does appear to be a reasonable middle ground (May 13).)
  
• TwoMisfits (TMobile deal for May - $5 ticket to The Strangers Chapter 1 next Tuesday (May 9).)
  

Furiosa Thursday Comp: $4.31M

• abracadabra1998 ($5.46M Thursday comp. GxK obviously really propping the average up but for now I could see that settling at around $5 Million, still good pace! (May 12). Really good stuff in this market (May 9). Reallyyyyyy good day 1 here. I want to note that: NO I do NOT think preview numbers will be that high; it's just highlighting the fact that this is likely a movie that will be running hot in my market, as cinephile blockbusters usually do. Next update I will have T-14 comps, which will be a lot lower due to the short release window (May 8).)
  
• AniNate (Encouraging to see the weekend fill out a bit. Been seeing a lot of promotion during the basketball playoffs so general awareness has to be getting there now. (May 15). Skimmed through ThuFri and Valley View (Cleveland vicinity) has sold roughly 60 Furiosa tix so far while Tinseltown (Canton) has sold 40. I'm guessing the upfront audience does lean more toward the urban/cosmopolitan sensibilities (May 9). Presales show there's definitely some hype for this. Regal gonna irritate trackers again, offering no upcharge IMAX for Furiosa (May 8).)
  
• Charlie Jatinder ($3.05M Thursday comp.)
  
• el sid ($5.8M average Thursday comp (without Exorcist 2) (May 12). Furiosa continues its strong performance in "my" theaters. The movie yesterday had already 1.310 sold tickets (for Thursday, May 23). Up 15% in ca. 24 hours which isn't bad at all after the first rush. Already comfortably in front of The Fall Guy's final sales (it had 1.071 counted on Thursday for Thursday) and almost on par with Civil War's final sales (1.357) and also the Apes finally had not more than 1.657 sold tickets in my theaters (May 11). I also can't complain about Furiosa's presales in my theaters, not at all. Already 1,138 sold tickets (in all of "my" 7 theaters) for May 23. 14 days left. Promising start. Civil War on Thursday of the release week for Thursday had 1,357 sold tickets and The Fall Guy finally had 1,071 sold tickets (May 9).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex ($3.51M Thursday comp.)
  
• keysersoze123 (Definitely chugging along. I am feeling good about 5m+ previews (May 15). It has way stronger sales than Garfield and that is expected. I am thinking of 5m previews for now (May 14). I think this is a solid OD presales. With a short PS window its probably looking at 5m+ previews (May 9).)
  
• TheFlatLannister ($4.44M Thursday comp. Keeps climbing at a strong pace (May 11). This continues to grow at an excellent rate (May 10). Really strong day 2. The short presales is for sure a factor (May 9). Not seeing much of a breakout. Still pretty solid start to presales (May 8).)
  
• vafrow ($2.9M Thursday comp. Comps are showing as steady since the last update, but it actually dipped quite a bit this week before rebounding today. Advance ticket buying has been so off in this market recently for some reason. Holding pace with Apes is a good sign (May 16). It had a good day (May 12). Mediocre day 2 (May 10). Not the hottest start. IMAX is the format of choice though, so, ATP will be high (May 9).)
  

Hit Man

• vafrow (Getting a theatrical release up here in Canada, and early signs are that it might get a pretty decent screen count. Not super wide or anything, but a pretty decent amount for a weekend that has a lot of other releases (May 14).)

The Garfield Movie EA+Thursday Comp: $2.24M

• abracadabra1998 ($0.76M EA comp and $1.19M Thursday comp. Still not really accelerating, and the EA is falling against comps (May 12). Good EA numbers, but many of these comps were PLF-only EA, which this is not, so I think the ATP will be quite lower and that should be adjusted for (May 9).)
  
• AniNate (EA sales look decent now, but this does feel rather weak compared to the IF presales. Not 100% certain what's going on here but based on this I buy the trades' opening estimates over the forum vibes (May 15). I definitely haven't seen as much of a rush here with Garfield as with IF (May 11).)
  
• el sid (The very even sales are a good sign (May 7). For Sunday, May 19, I can already report that also in my theaters it looks very good for Garfield. They will for sure add shows soon. It has so far only 1 show/theater and the shows are almost sold out, between 1 and 4 seats are still available. So my guess still is that this movie if it's not totally bad (and first reviews here were quite positive) will become a (big) hit. Seems not much on Thursday but it's a step in the right direction (May 6).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex ($2.52M EA+Thursday comp.)
  
• keysersoze123 (Its definitely weaker than even Elemental. That said these movies tend to finish strong and so I am not writing it off so early. Just that the long PS window is irrelevant for them. They could rather start presales like a week before release and it would be all the same. Meh. We have to wait until next week to gauge where its going to finish. It has very low ATP as well and actual would be even lower as its going to see tons of kids tickets (May 14). Early shows are regular digital shows at 1PM this sunday. So ATP will be very low. I think 500k ish at best. Preview let us see how things go in the final week. Presales at this point are almost non existent (May 13).)
  
• TheFlatLannister ($2.14M Thursday comp.)
  
• vafrow ($0.4M Thursday comp. Comps don't paint a pretty picture though. EA shows are doing okay (May 11). Still no sales for my core sample for previews. But I did the larger sweep, which shows the interest right now is the Sunday early access shows. Looking at sales patterns, it's mainly blocks of 3/4 tickets, so likely families grabbing some. It's worth noting that the May holiday in Canada is the weekend of May 17-20th, not the weekend after with Memorial Day. I can see families prioritizing getting out the holiday weekend when they have more time (May 4).)
  

The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Re-Releases (June 8-10)

• BoxOfficePro (Fathom Events has also announced that select Regal Cinemas will present the films in 4DX on June 22/23/24 for Fellowship/Towers/Return respectively (May 14).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex (Up to ~1,400 shows now with new locations picking it up and others adding a second showing. LotR1 has sold 831 seats OD, LotR2 sold 715 seats OD, and LotR3 sold 735 seats OD. For comparison, Phantom Menace didn't break 800 tickets until T-3 and we're still over a month out. JW3 comp is currently around 9m (it was at 1,670 tickets sold at this point!) (May 6).)
  

Inside Out 2 Average Thursday Comp: $8.14M

• abracadabra1998 ($3.67M Thursday comp. Holy numbers of shows and seats! Multiplexes are really expecting a lot here. Sales off the bat not amazing here sadly, but we shall see where it goes (May 15).)
  
• AniNate (It is encouraging that Canton is already giving me something to work with with 12 Thursday preview sales. Same number for Fri-Sun. I do see nine sales for first Thursday at Canton now and I think that's a pretty solid start (May 15). I do see a few 1-2 spots for Inside Out on Saturday. Think some M-F workweek adult fans might be putting down money for that (May 14).)
  
• charlie Jatinder ($11.84M Thursday comp at MTC2. $16M Thursday comp for Kung Fu Panda 4 (May 15).)
  
• katnisscinnaplex (Already at 180 shows for previews in my areas and still has a few theaters left to post. For comparison, Godzilla x Kong finished with 197, Kingdom of Apes 190, and Kung Fu Panda 205 (May 14).)
  
• keysersoze123 (At least the show counts show Plexes are expecting a big OW. I dont remember when we last had a animation movie start with so many shows. I wont count Mario as that was a fan driven movie. Definitely not great presales but this is not a fan driven movie. Let us see where things are in the final week (May 15). Too early to judge presales as ticket sales just started early this morning. Families dont book tickets on weekday mornings. Wait until evening today to judge it. From a release perspective its way bigger than all animation movies seen recently including Panda 4. Easily the biggest I have seen in a long time. Only movie which is not comparable is Mario but that was not just a family flick (May 14).)
  
• Porthos (VERY BAD COMPS: $8.83M Thursday comp. I really do not have good comps for this movie. Like, at all. Especially for D1. With that in mind, I did some digging and did manage to get the Elemental D1 numbers out of the old Tracking thread: IO2 = 5.45946x Elemental on D1 [13.10m]. Now will Inside Out 2 be as backloaded as Elemental? Well it's tough to literally sell 5.5x times the amount of tickets on the final couple of days that Elemental did, so perhaps not. But it does show how fracking backloaded purely kids animation is. Anyway, this is 30 days out and it isn't a CBM film (like AtSV) or CBM-adjacent film (like Incredibles 2). The Sonic 2 comp is perhaps a little concerning. On the other hand, nearly a weeks more of pre-sales so not exactly a great comp. 3.5% of presales are 3D and 40.1% are PLF (May 15). On the Saturday of release weekend (ie NOT EA) there is a special event screening for IO2: INSIDE OUT 2: FUNKO FAMILY EVENT! (2024) Sat June 15th. Might boost the OW slightly, depending on how wide this event is and how much more these tickets will presumably cost (May 11).)
  
• TheFlatLannister ($8.20M Thursday comp. This is a super super strong day 2. Probably just Orlando overindexing, but yeah starting to lean towards something big brewing. Florida presales are somehow even crazier. Sold 2357 seats and is getting a blockbuster rollout in terms of showing allocations. Kung Fu panda comp day 2: gives me $8.50M (May 15). Well, I can't really tell if this is a breakout or not yet. Looks very good especially in the first few hours. These are probably terrible comps, but might as well try something (May 14).)
  
• TwoMisfits (I'm kinda shocked at the opening set from my Cinemarks... 2 screens (1 PLF, 1 not) and 6 showings at my PLF 14 for Thursday (and 11 showings on the same screens once it runs full day - 7 PLF b/c 1 is 3d on the reg screen, 4 not)... 3 screens (.75 3d, 2.25 not) and 9 showings at the non-PLF 12 for Thursday (and 12 showings on 2.25 screens once it runs full day)... So, 2 and 2.25 screens for the weekend presale sets... Disney must be charging a huge % for themselves b/c this is an Elemental opening set at my PLF...a little more generous for Thursday at my non-PLF, but then they too drop to an Elemental opening set after the adult Disney base Thursday rush... (May 14).)
  
• vafrow (No new sales. Whatever glitches in the system on day 1 didn't push sales to day 2. I still think the lack of base ticket options will push families to wait. Cineplex has jacked up the cost of premium formats, plus they're throwing in an increase for opening weekend of major releases. It adds up quickly for families (May 16). With the site glitching yesterday, it might account for the slow start. But, what's interesting is the format breakdown. Nothing is being made available in anything close to a regular showtime. The one non 3D showing in Dolby is a matinee showing. Everything else is carrying a hefty premium. They'll likely release regular showtimes closer to release, but right now, it's priced to get eager fans to pay the premium formats (May 15).)
  
• YM! (In fairness it's only been an hour but yeah sales are softer than I expected. However, it is a month out and will largely skew more towards kids than say TLM/Across so wasn't expecting a blitz like them. Here at Marcus theaters are going all out for IO2 with it having the lion share of PLFs with it getting both screens when there is two PLFs with tentpole like levels of screens (May 14). Was taking a look at Marcus Cinemas to see that they have preloaded Inside Out 2 showtimes which seem to start at 3:00 pm on a Thursday. It seems like Marcus is going all out on it as judging from showtimes it's taking away all of Bad Boys’ PLFs in that theaters that have two+ PLFs are giving all to IO2 (May 11).)
  

Domestic Calendar Dates (last updated May 3):
MAY

• (May 16) Presales Start [Bad Boys Ride or Die]
  
• (May 16) Thursday Previews [Babes + Back to Black + If + The Strangers: Chapter 1 + The Blue Angels IMAX]
  
• (May 17) Presales Start [Ezra]
  
• (May 19) Review Embargo Lifts [Garfield 9 PM EST]
  
• (May 20) Opening Day [Monday: Spider-Man Homecoming Re-Release]
  
• (May 22) Presales Start [The Watchers]
  
• (May 23) Thursday Previews [Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga + Hit Man + The Garfield Movie + Sight]
  
• (May 26) Presales Start [Bikeriders]
  
• (May 27) Opening Day [Monday: Spider-Man Far From Home Re-Release]
  
• (May 30) Thursday Previews [Ezra + Haikyu!! The Dumpster Battle + Robot Dreams + The Young Woman and the Sea]
  

JUNE

• (June 3) Opening Day [Monday: Spider-Man No Way Home Re-Release]
  
• (June 5) Presales Start [Despicable Me 4]
  
• (June 6) Thursday Previews [Bad Boys: Ride or Die + The Watchers]
  
• (June 8) 1-Saturday Re-Release (1st day) [The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition]
  
• (June 9) 1-Sunday Re-Release (1st day) [The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition]
  
• (June 10) 1-Monday Re-Release (1st day) [The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended Edition]
  
• (June 13) Thursday Previews [Inside Out 2]
  
• (June 15) 1-Saturday Re-Release (2nd day) [The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition]
  
• (June 16) 1-Sunday Re-Release (2nd day) [The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition]
  
• (June 17) 1-Monday Re-Release (2nd day) [The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King Extended Edition]
  
• (June 20) Thursday Previews [The Bikeriders + Janet Planet]
  
• (June 27) Thursday Previews [Blue Lock The Movie -Episode Nagi- + Horizon: An American Saga Chapter 1 + A Quiet Place: Day One]
  

JULY

• (July 2) Opening Day [Wednesday: Despicable Me 4]
  
• (July 4) Opening Day [Thursday: Possum Trot]
  
• (July 4) Thursday Previews [MaXXXine]
  
• (July 11) Thursday Previews [Fly Me to the Moon + Untitled New Line Horror movie]
  
• (July 18) Thursday Previews [Twisters]
  
• (July 25) Thursday Previews [Deadpool and Wolverine + Didi + Fabulous Four]
  

AUGUST

• (August 1) Thursday Previews [Harold and the Purple Crayon]
  
• (August 8) Thursday Previews [Borderlands + Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us + Cuckoo + The Fire Inside + Trap]
  
• (August 15) Thursday Previews [Alien: Romulus + Horizon An American Saga Chapter 2 + Ryan’s World the Movie: Titan Universe Adventure]
  
• (August 22) Thursday Previews [Blink Twice + The Crow + The Forge + Slingshot]
  
• (August 29) Thursday Previews [City of Dreams + Reagan + They Listen]
  

Presale Tracking Posts:
April 23
April 25
April 27
April 30
May 2
May 4
May 7
May 9
May 11
May 14
Note: I have removed most tracking data that has not been updated for 2 weeks. I think there is value in keeping data for a week or two but at a certain point they start to lose their value and should not be treated the same as more recent tracking data.

Yesterday I was served my papers. Dismissed after 3yrs at the company. My performance was stellar. I received constant praise for things I did. Was liked by most everyone. But at the end of the day, it's all about money. Company had "limited work", and they needed to make cuts. What better department than the IT department. We're not revenue generating, and an easy target.
I was the sole systems admin on a 4-person team. I managed the server and cloud environments. I did the "Tier 2 and 3" troubleshooting. I was hands-on with the c-suite giving them "white glove treatment". I also would 3D print stuff for the company. Whether it was stuff used in the shop for when they made cranes and trucks, or for events. I was working on wall mount brackets for our WAPs so they were mounted horizontally. I managed the security camera system. UPS', network, you name it. We had an entire year of updates planned. Moving to SharePoint and eliminating an old on-prem file server. Finally getting rid of our last 2 Server 2008 R2 boxes. Upgrading the building security and HVAC control systems.
Despite all that I did, all that I was involved in, it didn't matter. Company needed to cut costs, and I was next on the chopping block. When I arrived yesterday morning at work, I put my keys on my desk, removed a print from my printer to see how it turned out (if you know anything about 3D printing, TPU is not easy to work with), and went to grab a coffee. As I'm at the machine, I hear a "Morning" from behind me. It was my boss. He didn't look happy. Said he needed to talk to me in my office. Then I heard another "Morning" from behind me. It was the CFO. That's when I knew something bad was happening.
We went to my office, I put my coffee on the desk and heard the door close. Was told I was being laid off due to a "lack of work". Was nothing performance related. The CFO gave me a hollow "thank you for your help and all that you've done" and shook my hand. Told me that they can give me a glowing reference if I want. Once he left and it was just my boss and I, I could tell how furious he was over this decision. He told me that he argued hard against this, and that he only found out late the day before. In the end, it fell on deaf ears.
Boxing up everything off my desk was such a weird feeling. I had moved offices a few times, but this was different. When I had all my stuff boxed up, it was almost 8am. Boss mentioned that people were rolling in for the day and asked if I wanted to wait to go out to my car. I told him "fsck that. I want as many people as possible to see this." and he told me he liked that attitude. I held my head high and walked out to my car carrying a box, by boss behind me with another box. Had a few people see me and have shocked looks on their faces. Had one lady come back as I closed my trunk and asked to give me a hug. I always liked her. She's Spanish and has that awesome mom vibe. She hugged me so tight and said she was sorry this happened. Boss shook my hand, and told me how sorry he was. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow because there are some big discussions to be had. He also told me that there are a few people who will be reaching out to me to discuss job opportunities. The amount of support I've received from him even after this is nothing but amazing. He was by far the most supporting and helpful boss I've ever had.
This morning is when it really hit me. Woke up at 930. House was quiet. Slowly went downstairs, got my coffee, and sat down at my computer. I opened my resume to start updating it, and realized that I just couldn't do it. And that's when everything came rushing out.
Decided I'm going to take some time for myself instead. The wound is pretty raw still, and I need to collect myself before I work on anything. Had a friend reach out to an audiobook company to see if they need any male VAs and they do, so maybe this could be a good time to focus on my VA career which went on the back burner. Plus I have a lot of lines to record for a DCS World campaign. Also have some 3D print projects to work on. Adding a runout sensor to the extruder on my k1 max, and printing Obi-Wan's lightsaber from Ep3 to go on my shelf of geeky things. Some things to do around the house as well.
No matter how hard you work. No matter all the good you do for the company, at the end of the day you're nothing but a number on a spreadsheet. And the higher up on that sheet you are, the bigger a target you become. They will discard you like yesterday's jam without nary a thought. Don't kill yourself for your job. Set up your boundaries, and work within them. It's not worth your energy, your sanity, or your well being to kill yourself for your job.

It seems like every day I see at least one comment in this sub about how some people value the software business at $0, or at least say it's "not really worth anything".
A year ago, I would have agreed that the software valuation was a slow grind down.
Today, with the advancements in AI, that couldn't be more wrong.
Here's why:
There are several players in this business, but the "market leader" is Microsoft's Power BI offering.
Power BI works differently than MicroStrategy. In Power BI, dashboards are built individually as "workbooks" similar to Excel workbooks. They used this framework to make usability similar to their Office platform for a better user experience. Each Power BI dashboard might have an "Income" measure, but the calculation for that measure may be different in each dashboard. This means that Dashboard A might define "Income" as "revenue - advertising costs" but Dashboard B might define it as "revenue - cost of goods - taxes". This allows a higher degree of customization from one dashboard to the next, but it could cause an AI to get confused when you ask it to tell you sales for last month. In Power BI, measures are defined at the "workbook" level using DAX functions.
MicroStrategy uses a different architecture known as the schema layer. In MicroStrategy when you create a metric, that metric is a global object. The definition for "Income" is defined once at the environment (actually called "project") level. Then when you create a dashboard, you drag in that pre-defined metric. This makes it very difficult for "non-experts" to create new metrics. It requires a completely separate application to define metrics in MicroStrategy (called "MicroStrategy Workstation"). Joe in marketing cannot just go in and define "Income" like he could do easily in Power BI. A year ago I saw this as a major disadvantage for the MicroStrategy ecosystem because why wouldn't you buy the system that is much easier to use (i.e. Power BI)??
Overall, MicroStrategy does require more technical skills to be able to develop in; whereas Power BI and Tableau were designed to be easier to start developing in at the cost of what's known as "data governance". This is why a lot of organizations have gone with Power BI / Tableau, because they don't require as highly-skilled (expensive) consultants to get set up.
Why does this matter? Because of MicroStrategy's schema-based approach to their software, that makes AI integration much simpler. In fact, Power BI has not really integrated customer-focused AI, which I suspect is for this exact reason. If I ask Copilot what my quarterly sales trend looks like, it can't go to a pre-defined schema layer to determine those values. If I ask the same question to an AI connected to MicroStrategy, it can look at the "Income" metric in the schema layer, break it by quarter, and give me the result. It is a lot more seamless.
Based on this, I feel the software business is poised to solidly beat expectations and enter a stage of strong growth.
I encourage anyone interested to check out Power BI vs. MSTR's latest AI offerings. You can decide on your own which one you think will sell more.
Microsoft has integrated Copilot into Power BI for development, but it doesn't really work at the user facing level.
https://learn.microsoft.com/en-us/power-bi/create-reports/copilot-introduction
MicroStrategy has integrated OpenAI at the user-facing level. Meaning end-users (not developers) can ask questions about data and get results. This cannot currently be done in Power BI and because of it's architecture, it's going to be difficult if not impossible for Microsoft to achieve this.
https://express.microstrategy.com (note that they ask you to sign up for the "free trial", but they don't ask for a credit card or anything so you won't be charged when the trial ends).

My homework from my therapist is to have a friend keep me accountable on my eating. Due to high amount of stress going on in my life, it's been REALLY difficult to eat. Mostly dealing with lack of taste and nausea. I mostly give up or just don't have much of appetite. My therapist thinks it would be best to have a trusting friend to keep me accountable and check in if I'm really eating. I understand why but I can't help but feel stress about putting someone in that spot. I did reach out to my friend about it but I worry that when she does check in, I might react badly or get super defensive. I'm awful at accepting help and this is why it's my homework. Does anyone here deal with friends keeping you accountable? If so, do you have any advice? Also is there anything your friends do that is super helpful? I just don't want to put too much on my friend. It's kind of a fucked up ask of someone x.x I'm super self conscious.

Ok, love is not the right word, I just wanted to stick with the spirit of the Sellers inspired title. Here's the timeline, sordid details following:
5/8-5/24/23 - Job offered, finger printed, E-qip done, soft credit pull, no interim 7/?/23 - Interview scheduled with investigator, this was probably mid month, my in-laws were in town 8/14/23 - follow up interview w/ the same investigator, by video 10/20/23 - received LOI for things previously discussed with investigator - immediately retained safetyblitz44 4/24/2024 - finally turned in all documentation required by LOI
I waited 3 weeks to contact the FSO from the hiring company. I received a call back from the program manager pretty fast - they profusely apologized that I should have been notified 11 months ago that they were on a hiring freeze and could no longer offer me the position.
I let them know that this was OK and understandable - BUT, that I had still been in contact with DCSA, had an interview, LOI, etc. and that regardless my case should reflect that. They asked me to send my resume and told me they'd call back.
Not even 2 hours later, they call and let me know that YES I have been adjudicated favorably BUT that's when the company dropped my case. I will remain in this status for about 6 months total, during which time I need to find a job to activate me. This is not the end of the world, the PM referred me to a sub and I'm interviewing next week and I am reaching out to my network - someone is going to pick up a software engineer ready to be cleared, that's probably a non issue. I'm very lucky to find myself in this position at all.
Long version...
I was unemployed from late 2021 to early 2023 when I finally bit the bullet and went back to cleared work. I'm a software engineer and I've been cleared before, I didn't think it would be a huge deal, but I was wrong.
I have filled out the SF-86 a lot, I'm in my 40s and it started in the army in 1999. I have had cleared roles without much issue but I never really had red flags either.
This time I had some IRS issues and I checked "yes" to the having used drugs box. It was weed and I had stopped during the pandemic - it was a social thing and the pandemic sucked all of those aspects right out of it. Sharing seemed to make sense til then and I was never one to sit around getting high alone so it naturally tapered off more than a conscious effort to quit. But, I have no intention of doing it again, so giddyup.
When I met with the investigator for an interview it became clear why I hadn't gotten an interim this time but not why it never came up before. They asked me about "an arrest in March 1997" and all I could say was "HOLY SHIT, THAT'S ON THERE?!"
Now, having re-read the SF-86 a ton, I still can't quite figure out where I would have listed this other than at the end because all of the arrest questions from rev 2016 are "past 7 years" but, some way, somehow I will list this in the future because this was 26 years prior when i was 15.
When I was 15 I was at a bus stop by the school in my city when a friend drove by and stopped - a bunch of us got in. I was sitting shotgun and saw the vehicle we had just entered had no ignition and realized it was stolen and we were all going to get arrested, which we did. No charges, none of us stole a car, including the driver - she was riding in a second hand hot car - we were just in the thing. It was teenage stupidity all the way down. I never thought of it again other than as a hilarious anecdote because we were arrested and released to our parents and that was the end of it til that interview! LOL!
The investigator told me in no uncertain terms that this was why i needed an interview. They said they would have never had to do it otherwise. But, I'm still not sure where I would have listed it or what would have made me think of it. They showed me the FBI report that just said it was an arrest assumed felony. There's an EVER question about being charged with a felony but I was not charged. That was no issue after I explained it and I assume the FBI finally followed up with the rest of their report.
Otherwise we just talked about the stint with MJ use, long over, my IRS issues, and I brought up a bench warrant that I had in another state but explained there was really nowhere on the form to list it and that it was for an unpaid ticket from the year 2000 (misdemeanor) with no statute of limitations. I had only found out about it right before the pandemic, it became a low priority real fast. Same with the IRS stuff. I had stopped filing for a bunch of years just because I couldn't afford the 1099 I had been on one year. When you don't file once it's easy to keep not filing! But, in 2021, before the layoffs, I had hired an accountant to help me get it all straightened out. I just needed to file the missed year but I wasn't sure if that was the right move or not. I owed but I was broke and dealing with layoffs plus the IRS hadn't said anything - it's only human to hope they never do! LOL. I never did find any real sources to corroborate a time limit on failing to file, though, so I didn't really want to push that envelope.
When I got the LOI it was only for the 2 tax years I hadn't filed and the bench warrant. Just the words "bench warrant" told me I should get a lawyer and I did. Getting those tax returns processed and getting the warrant lifted took 7 months. Each time a deadline came up from DCSA I submitted everything I had - screenshots, correspondence w/ the attorney working on my bench warrant and the state the case was in - and each time they extended me further.
I ended up needing 2 lawyers - I initially hired the user mentioned above and they found someone who was bar'd in the state I needed. The bench warrant was for an unpaid parking ticket (that I could swear on a stack of bibles was paid at the time, but I can't prove that, so). It took several months to get proof. Same with the IRS stuff. I sent a large payment on the 2nd of January and it took til April to fully reflect on my account. It was excruciating. If you owe taxes and it's a one off, do yourself a favor and call the people who can waive the penalties. I was able to make reasonable payment arrangements online and THEN get 1/3 of my bill cut.
Mainly the lawyer made sure my "final" packet - the one I turned in for the first due date with all of my statements - was clear and correct and would reflect the steps I was taking. Wording on the LOI response is crucial to success along with proof - they will help make sure you are addressing the issues as requested by the LOI without overthinking it. I'm not a terrible writer but that isn't exactly the point. Once I hit that juncture I really wanted to be as sure as I could be that I was doing the right things. They can also help you put your case in perspective - they have experience with weirder or worse than yours. Plus, if you found them on reddit you can respond to them in gifs and memes and know they'll get it. All told for 7 months of counsel, an entire additional lawyer, and including all fees from that process, this cost $2500 and my retainer remainder was refunded as soon as we closed. No hearings or court time necessary, everything was remote and asynchronous.
One of the best parts of this outcome is how great it feels to know I'm truly "squeaky clean" again. It doesn't take too long, depending, I guess. If you look at my account you'll see one of the last weed plants I grew in 2015. Cultivation is one of those "in the past 7 years" questions and I was in year 8 which I may always get a silly kick out of. I did let the investigator know as it was relevant to some other info - but, I'm a horticulturalist at heart, which is also fully reflected in my hobbies. I have no desire or need to grow weed again but it's a thing I have done and have experience with which is nothing to be ashamed of.
Be honest - with yourself AND investigators. Don't be too squeaky of a wheel when it's taking a long time - sometimes that's a really happy accident. Get another job while you wait or keep your current one. File those late taxes now, not later. Old warrants for misdemeanors are cheaper than you think. Sometimes stuff really does come up that you had no reason to list but it isn't necessarily the end of the world.
Oh, and I've been naked on the internet and no one cared.

I know this is unnecessarily long, so if you are not in the mood for reading, I understand. But I would greatly appreciate anyone who would take the time to read my story that is probably TMI and badly in need of some editing. I just really need some advice from people whose heads are less cloudy than mine.
My fiancé M/42 and I F41 have been together for about 4 years and have known each other since high school. I knew he was a recovering addict when I got together with him but I fell head over heels in love and didn’t see the relapse on the horizon that would occur shortly after the honeymoon phase and would eventually almost kill me - I took a swipe of some mystery powder and touched it to my tongue (fentanyl) thinking it would help me get through the most stressful day of my life as i was ceaning out his place while I was packing him up for detox. It was a total freak accident, I’m not an addict, never done anything like that in my life, I’m a single mom and a kindergarten teacher, but I loved him so much I just followed him down the rabbit hole and honestly just became so disoriented in this world I (naively) didn’t understand or even realize I had signed up for.
Anyway, He literally saved my life, and said I also saved his, because that day is what motivated him to get and stay clean for good despite being an active heroin addict for the majority of his life.
He worked an incredibly thorough program, and he gained more friends, money, and more overall success in 2 years than I’ve been able to scrounge up in an entire lifetime. And it’s no surprise honestly. He’s a special person. Absolutely brilliant, charismatic, driven, and has a heart of gold.
Within a year of getting sober, he moved me and my daughters into a gorgeous home adjacent to a golf course, bought luxury vehicles for both me and him, convinced me to quit my teaching job which was making me miserable, so I could finally be fully present for my girls, and then put a giant diamond ring on my left hand. He completely spoils us. We went from having nothing to having every tangible thing, we could possibly need.
The stability that he provided for us meant the world to a single mom who was barely making ends meet, but it was always just the icing on the cake for me. He’s my best friend in the world, he makes me laugh so hard my mouth hurts from smiling, he show me that he loves even the parts of myself that I don’t find lovable. I found my soulmate.
His program started slipping after 2 1/2 years (last November). He was already struggling in his role of being a stepfather, and we were fighting a lot about parenting stuff. He has a lot to learn, has little patience, and seems to have very unrealistic expectations of my kids. He wanted Parenting to be this effortless thing, and he just doesn’t get that it’s not. And that kids are not always going to behave themselves and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. so we were fighting a lot.
In December, he started complaining about his chronic back pain again (a real issue for him as he’s had five back surgeries due to a snowboarding accident in his early 20s-this was during that height of Purdue Pharma and what got him hooked on pain meds)
While I know he was legitimately in pain, it was also a red flag because pain was the culprit for his last relapse. He decided to go in for a sixth surgery and was told he would have to wait three months. He found a surgeon who has made a lot of profit off of him over the years (as he’s a PI attorney) and was willing to prescribe him generous amounts of pain pills to get him through the three months of increasing pain that he was experiencing. He spent the next three months in bed, depressed, checking out, taking pills depressed, checking out- as I became increasingly suspicious that his behavior was much too loopy for the amount of medication he was being prescribed. I fell into the role of his nurse, and his babysitter. Making sure he didn’t text to nonsense to clients, making sure he didn’t fall and make his back worse, making sure he wasn’t interacting with the kids, etc
I knew he wasn’t being honest with me, but he just kept gaslighting me. It honestly felt like he was psychologically tormenting me, treating me as though I was totally paranoid, heartless and out of line. I thought after the surgery, it would finally get better. I made a promise that I would be there for him because he had never had anyone there for him for the previous surgeries and it had been a really traumatic experience for him in the past. I really stepped up and tried so hard to his rock. The hospital experience was horrific, mainly because no amount of diloted was relieving him of the pain. None of the nurses understood why he needed so much more than everyone else, but I think his tolerance had just become so high.
After that nightmare was finally over I was really counting on things getting better, as the plan was for him to taper off the meds, live pain-free, and get back to normal. It didn’t go that way. It just kept getting worse and no matter how many times I told him that I didn’t trust him he just had an excuse for an explanation for everything. He is a master manipulator and I listened to him do it to everyone, doctors, the pharmacist he formed a “friendship” with, literally everyone.
On Mother’s Day, it got to a point where he couldn’t hide it anymore. He disappeared for the day, Ended up, passing out at a gas station and was unreachable for hours, when he finally came home, the car was all fucked up and he claims it was someone else’s fault. He went straight to his home office and I didn’t see the rest of the night until I walked in on him smoking crushed up pills. After that, he confessed everything to me, including the time that he told me not to check the mail because he had a special surprise for me to thank me for all the love and support I gave him To help him through his surgery. it turned out he had drug dealers sending him drugs in the mail. Needless to say there was no surprise for me me. Just heartbreak and betrayal. I felt like a fool.
I was still processing this the next day when , after insisting on taking a photo of me in these designer sunglasses he purchased for me out of guilt. I asked him not to take my photo, because I had tears in my eyes, but he insisted. He was napping next to me and I opened his phone to erase the photo. we’ve always had each other’s passwords, and have looked through each others photos before for various reasons, sharing photos, etc. I cannot emphasize enough how much I trust his loyalty to me when it comes to anything other than drugs.
But for some reason, all of my photos, the ones I was taking on my phone were showing up in his feed. I was so confused, so I started scrolling through deleting unflattering double chin pictures of myself when I came across that menu photos organized based on face recognition. One of them was his ex. I remember him telling me he deleted all of his photos of her the first time he told me he loved me.
I opened it and scrolled through hundreds of pictures of their happy life together. The pictures got more and more sexual, one of her with her legs spread, another another of them in the bathtub together, her kissing him while he had his hands around her neck, another screenshot of her naked in the shower with a thumbnail shot of him in the corner obviously jerking off to her on FaceTime. Because I’m a masochist I decided to take it one step further and look in his video folder. I found a There I found a thumbnail shot if a close-up of him penetrating her. I watched it and it just completely crushed whatever was left of me.
I’m normally a really passive person, and I just completely lost my mind. I reacted as though I had caught him cheating on me. I just couldn’t handle the physical evidence of such a close up shot of him being inside another woman. It’s stupid because I know, like me, he has a past. Obviously he’s been with other women. Obviously he’s been attracted to them. But it just scarred my brain, I literally haven’t even been able to eat since because I’ve been so nauseous. I know it’s ridiculous, because this is a reality I was well aware existed, but seeing it with my own eyes… I don’t know what to say. Other than that I need a lobotomy.
He says he erased all of those videos and photos from his phone, and something weird happened where all of his photos from the cloud just re-uploaded when he got a new phone. He’s not a technical person and I actually believe him because, aside from being a complete liar when it comes to drugs, he has always show me the upmost, integrity, love and loyalty. So it’s not that I don’t believe him. I just can’t get that image out of my head.
I can’t tell if this intense emotional reaction I’m having would be the same reaction anyone would have if they saw what I saw, or if I’m combining the feelings of betrayal over the gaslighting and the relapse…, the last four months of feeling completely invisible, hopeless, and like he was choosing drugs over me. My mind is like mush and I seriously can’t differentiate between these two very separate issues. I’m so confused, but that’s what gaslighting does to you. It makes you question your reality.
He said that he’s finally willing to go into detox, so at this point, I have waited this long, it would be silly not to stick around and see if he’s finally going to put an end to this. What’s getting me is that he’s still making excuses, still not seeming very remorseful, and is still so deep in self-pity that he doesn’t seem to have any awareness of how badly I’m hurting because of him. It feels like he just doesn’t care. anyone who’s ever loved an addict knows that feeling well.
I’m in Al-anon, and I’m well aware of all of the things I should be doing, focusing on myself, etc. but I’m just not doing well, and I can’t seem to find my way out of this dark hole. Anyone who has made it this far deserves some sort of a Reddit badge of honor. This was more of an autobiography than a simple question. I just wanna hear some outside input because I don’t trust my own mind right now. I’m willing to take your criticism, just please be kind. I know I’ve made mistakes, I’m just hurting so badly. I can’t seem to sort through this. Thank you so much if you took the time to read all of this and still want to respond. You have no idea how much it means to me.

My 18 year old daughter is suddenly very entitled.
As many people in North America did on Sunday, we celebrated Mother’s Day. We stayed in, my husband, daughter and stepson, and watched movies and had snacks. The day was pretty relaxed and comfortable. Syepson had to go back to his moms for supper, my husband took him late afternoon. Then my husband and I made a big family dinner and his parents and our oldest son and his girlfriend came to enjoy with us. Mother’s Day has always been a strange day for me. I’ve always said all I want is to have a chill day with my family and enjoy each others company. There has not been one single year that has happened. In the past, my oldest son was usually bent on ruining the day for me some how. He would do things like sleep all day, say he forgot or just not even acknowledge the event. It was really hurtful and my oldest daughter, now 18, used to hey so upset with him when he behaved this way.
So this year, I was hoping for a miracle. As I said, the day went well and the evening was set up to be really good too. Everyone was chatting and supper turned out amazing, no bickering or snippy remarks between my in laws, the kids all seemed to want to be around, it was kinda perfect.
Now, in our house we’ve always had the rule that if you didn’t cook you help clean up. Fairly standard practice from what I can’t tell, compared to other families we know. It’s never even been a question, just get to it and many hands make light work.
Apparently all the kids just forgot that was a thing. Everyone left, just walked by my husband who stepped up to do the washing and didn’t give it a second thought. I followed the kids out to the front street and did an exaggerated shrug, got their attention and told them I was disappointed they were just leaving everything for us. This was no small dinner, it took several days of prep to brine and smoke the delicious turkey we served. Even after chasing them out to object, they both just drove away. Since I had already confronted them together I decided to discuss my issue with each of them separately. Since my son is out in his own now, I wasn’t as hard on him.
But here’s the thing, my daughter lives here full time and does nothing at all to help anymore. She was often at work in the evenings or with her boyfriend, until just recently when she stared a 9-5, so she didn’t have supper at home often. Because of her schedule, I would bring her dinner every night she works, making sure she had at least one decent meal a day. I didn’t expect her to come home at 9 pm and clean up, only to help out when she’s home. Now she’s home for supper most nights but still doesn’t lift a finger without being asked. And the attitude when she does have to pitch in is atrocious.
Now back to Mother’s Day, when I confronted my daughter I told her I was disappointed in the both of them. I told her her behaviour has been selfish and that I need her to start participating around the house. She refused to come home to talk that night. Monday she texted me to tell me she was coming over after work. That put me off further, you don’t come over to your own house. Her language made me feel like she doesn’t appreciate the free and supportive roof over her head. When we talked Monday evening my disappointment turned into anger and hurt. This kid had the audacity to say that having to help with dishes is me treating her like staff.
I am beside myself in the massive failure I feel about that. She grew up in a divided family situation but has two sets of parents to lean on and grow from. Her stepmother is a control freak and as a result, my daughter didn’t have chores over there. I knew that but made my expectation clear about our home, from the start. I just feel so helpless in this situation. If anyone has any advice or reminiscence of their own teenzilla, I’d love to hear it.

This isn't hate at all. I happen to think that the ideology Robert has crafted for himself to be a very good one, but I don't see how it's inherently a rejection of ideology. To be honest, I'm not sure the rejection of ideology is possible.
Robert says in the latest episode that he thinks people need to create certain lines in the sand that they won't cross (and gives examples like "don't kill children" and "don't rape children"). He also says that becoming self-actualized is a bulwark against being taken advantage of by ideologues. I think these are two really good moral guidelines to live by. There have been other episodes where, like this one, he talks about the dangers of following your specific ideology blindly. It's a major theme in his work. But I'm struggling to see how, from a descriptive standpoint, his "lines" are different from a communist who rejects or accepts certain behaviors based on if they think it follows the science of Marxism. Robert's ideology may be more ethical or moral than other ideologies, but wouldn't it still be an ideology?
Sorry if this is getting too freshman dorm-room philosophy, but I'm asking this because Robert does seem to be an influential person in niche spaces, and I think, at a certain point, suggesting lines that your ideology shouldn't cross becomes itself a way of thinking, even if it's never labeled as such. An ideology that rejects labeling itself as an ideology could even become dangerous because it sets itself apart from other ideologies, putting itself above discussion or critique.
Nothing Robert has suggested as part of this non-ideology-ideology is objectionable. This isn't a question about the merits of deciding for yourself what lines you think should never be crossed, or that harming children is ever okay. I think having a hard line where you decide to never kill or sexually abuse children is good, and I think questioning established thought is good. The question I have is whether it's really a rejection of ideology. Isn't Robert technically just pledging fealty to a new ideology that he made up for himself, and, like everyone who's ever created an ideology before, thinks is better than all those other ideologies that are imperfect or wrong?