The following is a comparative study of the Wan Ling Record, other wise known as the Wan-ling Lu, as translated by John Blofeld compared to Jeffrey M. Leahy.
Please note this is the final section as it relates to the comparison. Up until this point I have utilized Blofeld's numbering for the text, however since this remaining section is actually quite long I will be shifting to numbering the remaining sections according to how Leahy broke up the text. Which will leave us with a few parts to this section, 26-1 through 26-10 for example.
Another note, Blofeld's translation continues into what he titles "THE ANECDOTES", and the Chinese versions of the Wanling Lu I have found end with this last section, as seen in Leahy's work which also ends at this section.
云何識自心。即如 今言語者正是汝心。若不言語又不作用心體。如虛空相似。無有相 貌亦無方所。亦不一向是無有而不可見。故祖師云。真性心地藏。 無頭亦無尾。應緣而化物。方便呼為智若不應緣之時。不可言其有 無。正應之時。亦無蹤跡。既知如此。如今但向無中棲泊。即是行 諸佛路。經云。應無所住而生其心。一切眾生輪迴生死者。意緣走 8 作心。於六道不停。致使受種種苦。

Blofeld:

Q: How, then, does a man accomplish this comprehension of his own Mind? A: That which asked the question Is your own Mind; but if you were to remain quiescent and to refrain from the smallest mental activity, its substance would be seen as a void—you would find it formless, occupying no point in space and falling neither into the category of existence nor into that of non-existence. Because it is imperceptible, Bodhidharma said: ‘Mind, which is our real nature, is the unbegotten and indestructible Womb; in response to circumstances, it transforms itself into phenomena. For the sake of convenience, we speak of Mind as the intelligence; but when it does not respond to circumstances,! it cannot be spoken of in such dualistic terms as existence or non-existence. Besides, even when engaged in creating objects in response to causality, it is still imperceptible. If you know this and rest tranquilly in nothingness—then you are indeed following the Way of the Buddhas. Therefore does the sutra say: ‘Develop a mind which rests on no thing whatever.’ Every one of the sentient beings bound to the wheel of alternating life and death is re-created from the karma of his own desires! Endlessly their hearts remain bound to the six states of existence, thereby involving them in all sorts of sorrow and pain.

Leahy:

"It is said, 'How does one understand one's own mind?' This, which today has spoken those words, is truly your own mind. If you do not speak and also do not make effort, the mind-essence thus appears like the empty sky. Non-existence has no features and also has no dimensions. Isn't it always non-existent and also cannot be seen? For this reason the Patriarchal Master said, 'The true nature of mind is Ksitigarbha. There is no head and also no tail. It transforms beings according to their conditions. As an expedient means, it is called wisdom.'¹
If it is uncaused, it cannot be said that it exists or does not exist. When it responds to causes, it also does not leave footprints. Just understand in this way. Today I only direct you to abide in silence. This is practicing the All-Buddhas-Vehicle. The sutra says, 'You should give birth to a mind that is without anything upon which to stand.'² All of the sentient beings in the wheel of birth and death; thinking causes them to move along the wheel. Create thoughts and you will be endlessly within the six paths. This will cause you to be afflicted with suffering and all kinds of bitterness."

• ¹ This is a four line verse attributed to the twenty-sixth patriarch, Puryamitra. See the Zongjing lu.
• ² This quote is from the Diamond Sutra

Parts: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7], [8], [9], [10], [11], [12], [13], [14], [15], [16], [17], [18], [19], [20], [21], [22], [23], [24], [25]
Reference material:
Huang Po on the Transmission of Mind by John Blofeld Page 86
The Wanling record of Chan Master Huangbo Duanji by Jeffrey M. Leahy Page 42
《 黃檗斷際禪師宛陵錄》CBETA No. 2012B

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

First off, I'm just a bozo on the internet so maybe this has all been discussed already. Regardless, I had a thought about how to fix the issue of the U.S's Supreme Court and wanted to share it.
What's the issue? Supreme Court justices are life time appointees. The main conceit of this is to avoid partiality or political influence. This simply doesn't work and has recently become apparent how much this doesn't work. (And before you say it, yes, this has always been the case. This does not make it not an issue.) Its not good when it works against you and its not good when it works for you. An appointment office of this power, magnitude, and duration MUST be as actually impartial as possible or be an elected position. Of course campaigning for this position in an election would be a disaster that would lead to a whole rabbithole of intentionally politically motivated disasters too numerous to get into or speculate on. So what do we do?
The shower thought:
I'd like to put out the idea that the Supreme Court justices become sort of monks of law, an American clergy of judges post-term. By this I mean justices will be appointed to a term with a limit, but their obligations are life-long. Following their term they will remain under the same rules of ethics (tangentially this relies on actually creating a code of ethics for the Supreme Court) and serve as constant "friends of the court" and potentially continue to be in charge of and involved with other low-stakes activities pertaining to the court.
They will continue to receive justice pay their whole life, BUT, they will be forbidden from working outside the justice system. This will be part of the deal when becoming a Supreme Court Justice. It is a tough rule but similar to a clergy's vow of celibacy, it is a vow of duty to the constitution and no other political entity. At least financially. We would also of course clamp down on gifts or incentives or favors towards the retired and active justices so that they cannot gainfully benefit from political influence. (I know there's a litany of holes in this part. The most law-knowledgeable people in the nation will find their way around loopholes, but ideally it would be hard and limiting.)
This should also be paired with some common-sense practices like ensuring some consistent appointment quantity per presidential term. Two justices per term for example would be a somewhat reasonable procedure I think. This would make a justice term 12 years. Long enough for consistency, but not long enough for complacency.
Furthermore, if a justice dies or retires in office, it should be made law that the next presidential term will fill the additional vacancy. In this way the process would at least be thrown back to the American people. In the intervening time perhaps a temporary justice from the pool of ex-justices can step in or some non-president body can appoint a temporary judge.
The result? This would maintain the lifelong appointment concept aimed to deter partiality. But it would also allow a slanted court to course correct a bad judge in some time period that isn't a lifetime. A single president's influence in the Judicial Branch would only last 12 years post-term at max (which is still fairly long). It would hopefully reduce the incentive to be politically motivated or swayed by a party or interest group. It would potentially eliminate geriatric justices (you ideally wouldn't appoint someone you don't expect to survive a 12 year term). It would prevent justices from intentionally retiring when their party is in power so they're replaced with someone of their own political leaning. And importantly it would stop any single president from having an undue amount of power over the court and the country for so many years to follow (the recent example of this being 1-term president Trump, who lost the popular vote appointing 3 Justices while his 2-term twice popular-vote-winning predecessor only appointed 2 justices.).
What do y'all think?

i’ve known that i was autistic for a long time. i feel like i should feel relieved. i don’t know why it’s affecting me so much. i thought it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. i also have so many co-diagnosis’s i feel like it’s insane :( one of my main reasonings for seeking an autism diagnosis in the first place is because i thought there was no way i had all of these different diagnosis’s, (bipolar 2, borderline, ptsd, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder) and i really thought everything could be summed up into just autism, gad and maybe ptsd. but it’s not. i got a full neuropsychological test and all of the previous diagnosis’s remained and autism and adhd just got added to it. i am so overwhelmed. i know this is just a place for autism but, i don’t know. i feel like things aren’t ever going to get better for me. i don’t know how to cope with this :( (don’t worry i am okay and i can contract for safety.) i know nothing has changed, and nothing will change, but i’m just nervous about my life going forward. for some reason i feel like things are going to be different. i feel like people are going to look at me differently or not take me seriously, like my family and partner, they told me they don’t but i’m just having a hard time believing it. does this make sense at all? how did you feel after your diagnosis? did anything change after your diagnosis? (for the better or the worse) do you have any tips for how to cope or just words of comfort to share with me? i only have my aunt and my partner and they don’t have experience with any of this, and while i appreciate their efforts i feel like they just don’t get it. thank you for reading. ❤️

Hello! I recently had a stint with sars cov2. I just tested negative yesterday and today. So I’m guessing the virus is out of my body. I have a mild congestion remaining and a slight headache.
I finally measured my BP today after a little over a week (didn’t measure while sick). It’s at 140/109. Prior to falling sick, it was 115-120/96.
I started medication recently and my BP was on the decline. But now I’m worried that it won’t go back to the numbers previously.
Would anyone be able to share their experience with this? How long does it take to recover? Am I being too naive expecting it my blood pressure to recover this quickly after falling sick?
I just feel horrible because I honestly just started to see some actual progress with my numbers. My diastolic was finally in the double digits and progressively going down. And now I feel it’s not going to get better.

Hello all -- first time poster here. Sorry for the really long post, I guess part of this is therapeutic for me just to write out.
I've really been struggling recently, as my wife has come to absolutely despise by 67 year old mother, and I'm not sure if there's anything that can fix it.
A little bit of my history. I've always been very close with my family. I grew up in a south Asian household (although I always felt we integrated nicely with a lot of American culture -- both me and my sibling have lived in a large US city our entire lives and consider ourselves American both in culture as well as nationality). However, as in many Asian cultures, respect for elders is extremely important. I always had a parent-child relationship with my parents (meaning that they were in charge, and not interested in being my friend, but rather my mentors and provided invaluable guidance over the years). Both of my parents sacrificed a lot for me and mysibling, but especially my mom who chose to forgo advancing her own career, and to work part time in order to raise my sibling and I. I've always had a good relationship with my mom, although we've had our share of fights over the years (we're both pretty stubborn), but they typically last no more than a 3-5 days on average and then things are completely back to normal. I would say this happens an average of 1-2 times per year at most. I do feel very close with my mom (& my dad as well, but my wife doesn't seem to have any issues with my dad so I'm not focussing on that part). I do believe that much of the success I have achieved in life is directly attributable to the sacrifices my mom made as well as the time she spent raising and teaching me. I have always respected my parents, which is typical of Asian culture. By respect, I mean things like not talking back, valuing their opinions, and trying to make their life easier or happier in small ways (visiting them on weekends, going out to dinner together -- we live roughly 40 minutes apart).
A bit of my wife's history -- she grew up with her parents being divorced from a young age. Both of her parents are wonderful people who I really adore, but they were extremely lenient with her growing up (they were not on top of her with regards to schoolwork, she would talk back to them at times without getting in much trouble, she was able to sneak out of her house as a teen, etc.). These are by no means egregious offenses, and I suspect many kids do the same at that age. However, there was a clear difference in her relationship with her parents -- there was no real enforcement of rules or punishment for breaking rules. Through my lens, it seems that this has manifested as a lack of respect for her own parents, as well as her elders. She mostly has a good relationship with both of her parents, but when she does disagree with them, she talks to them in ways I could never imagine speaking to my own parents (talks back, hangs up on them, etc.). She says that she needs to "put them in their place" at times, which I also find rude. Overall, I would say she grew up much less "family-oriented" than I did, for what it's worth.
My wife is also somewhat of a nomad (mostly not by choice). She moved a few times growing up (within the same state, but different areas), and then went out of state for college, only to leave after 1.5 years and finish at a local state school (in a different state) where her mother lived at the time. Because of this, she has very few close friends, and the ones that she does have are spread out all across the country on different coasts. This is in stark contrast to me. I've been lucky to maintain the same group of friends that I've had since we were 8 or 9 years old. On top of that, most of them have stayed in the same area that we grew up in (where my wife and I now live). I think the lack of a social circle has affected my wife since she moved to my city, but I'm not sure what solution there is for that since there is no city we could live in where she would have a group of close friends or family (her parents live in different states and split time between different states, her 3 closest friends live in 3 different states).
I've known my wife for 8 years and we've been married for 2.5. I love her. She is a great person; she is kind, compassionate, loving, and at her core truly does care deeply about others (though I feel that this does not always come across in the way she talks to her own parents). She's funny, adventurous, and up until recently, I was always happier around her. We were recently blessed with the birth of our son, who is now 11 months old. Our son is the best thing that has ever happened to us, but his arrival seems to have simultaneously strained our relationship in ways I did not anticipate. I knew that the sleep deprivation would be hard, and our lives would change drastically. What I did not envision was a deepening hatred that my wife has developed for my mom.
Prior to the birth of our son, my wife did not have much of an issue with my mom other than thinking she was "needy" for wanting to see myself and my sibling once a week, even if it was just for a dinner (again, we live roughly 40 minutes apart, and my parents are typically willing to drive to us, meet us at a restaurant, or have us over). My mom does tend to be picky with where we eat out (she doesn't eat most meat, and prefers vegetarian options), but that never really bothered me, though it seems to bother my wife that my mom is "getting her way", even though this was at most 1 meal in the week.
I know that my mom can certainly be stubborn and hard to deal with at times, but I know her very well, and I always felt that she was inclusive of my wife, and never did anything that warranted being strongly disliked. The one exception to this was during our son's baby shower. We had planned a large party with a lot of family and friends that my parents hosted (their house is large enough to accomodate a party of that size). During the baby shower, my mom helped arrange catering of food, ordering tables, chairs, tablecloths, and hiring a bartender (my parents also paid for all of this). My wife did not like my mom's taste with regards to tablecloths and chair decorations and she was irritated that my mom wanted to help and be involved in the planning (though to her credit, my wife did not outwardly show this discontent to my mom, though it was certainly made known to me). My wife handled the floral arrangements and other decorative pieces such as a backdrop, and spent a lot of time and effort getting them exactly how she wanted. I kind of sensed that my mom felt that she was being taken for granted and underappreciated by my wife (she did take care and pay for a lot), and my wife felt that my mom was being overbearing with planning, and also felt that my mom was purposefully spiteful (my wife claims that every other member of my family commented on how nice the floral arrangements were, but my mom never did). This culminated in a "fight" where my wife wanted a decorative piece in one part of the yard and my mom wanted it in another part. There was some exchange of words at the time, though I did not witness this. This left my mom feeling that my wife was "disrespectful" and left my wife hating my mom for not honoring her decision about where to place the decorative piece, since this was her baby shower. This led to a very upsetting experience for my wife and I as we really did not enjoy the baby shower at all (although this was not evident to our guests or other family members, as we were able to "fake it"). My wife was particularly upset after the baby shower when we drove home since she felt that it was supposed to be a special day for her, and my mom ruined it, which I mostly agreed with. To her credit, my mom did apologize to both my wife and me the following day, and told us that she had been under a lot of stress with many family members staying at their house, taking care of meals, sleeping arrangements, etc., and her stress got the better of her. I was willing to accept her apology and move on, but my wife has always held a grudge since that time, and feels that the apology wasn't genuine. Again, I've known my mom for a long time and she would rather not apologize at all than do so disingenuously. My wife however insists that she can read my mom better than me, since I'm biased. Nonetheless, we moved forward.
After the birth of our son, my parents and my wife's parents were overjoyed (he is all of their first grandchild). Again, we live near where I grew up so my parents are much closer to us than my wife's parents are. After the birth of our son, my wife's mom rented a place near us for 4 months to help with the baby and chores, etc. I never had any issue with this, even when she would come over multiple times a day, or even unannounced at times (this was not something that bothered me). My parents were (& are) also very eager to spend time with their grandchild, and initially were coming over every other day to see the baby, which then decreased to about twice a week, since he has been 3 months old. My wife has begun having major issues with my parents coming to see our son twice a week now. Perhaps what is most irritating to me is the fact that I anticipated this issue beforehand. I specifically asked my wife when our son was 1 or 2 months old "how often would you be okay with my parents coming to see him?", and her answer was "I would be so happy if it was just twice a week", (which she felt would be a huge improvement over the every other day they were initially coming when our son was a newborn). I assured her that twice a week was very reasonable and she said she'd be happy with that.
Fast forward to now -- my mom comes to visit twice a week for 3-4 hours and my wife says its too much. She says it's suffocating, that she shouldn't have to live her life around my mom seeing our son (which my wife does not, she always tells my mom which days to come, and they are different each week depending on what my wife wants to do), that she feels like she had a kid just for my mom to play with. Again, my mom is never insistent on what days or even times to see our son. She certainly appreciates seeing him regularly, and I always wanted my son to have a close relationship with his grandparents (both sides), as both myself and my wife did growing up. However, my wife's parents do not live near us (and don't come to visit that often). I think this plays a role in terms of her being irritated that my family sees him regularly, but I don't see any solution. Her family is financially able to visit us (very regularly) if they wanted to, but they don't make it a priority. Again, her parents are wonderful people, but they seem to be more interested in their own lives and relationships than they are in forging a deep connection with our son, their grandson (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, but it's the opposite of my family who really want to be close with their grandson, even if it's at the expense of time with their own friends).
I should also add that for the past 3 years my wife has not worked. This started prior to us getting married. She left her job because she hated it, and I am lucky to be in a position to financially support us on my own. However, she always told me she would (& wanted to) get a job in a field that she was more interested in, though she has never been able to articulate what that field would be (actually she was adamant that she would have a job before we got married). I tried to encourage her to find fields that appealed to her, even advised her to take risks with entrepreneurship, to see if she could make a career out of something she considers a hobby. I've paid for countless courses, certifications, etc. (90% of which she did not complete -- things like real estate certifications, social media certifications, photography lessons, camera lenses, etc.). Furthermore, I paid for her to see a therapist of her choosing for a few months hoping it would help her gain clarity with regards to what she wants to do career-wise (it did not). All in all, I've probably spent in the neighborhood of 7-8K on online courses, certifications, and she does not have anything to show for it. Once we got pregnant, we agreed that she would take on more of a domestic role (which is what she said she wanted as well, I did not force her into this -- and she was also not doing anything else for work anyway). The point I'm making here is not that I feel she needs to work, it is just that she gets to see our son all the time (it's not like she's going to work and handing our son off to my mom). Also, many times my wife will say "Oh why don't you come on Monday" when we see my mom (which my mom will then do). Then Monday rolls around and my wife is texting me at work all day constantly complaining about how my mom is interacting with our son (she doesn't watch him closely enough, or she doesn't put him in his crib to nap, or she feeds him when she's not supposed to, etc.), how long my mom is staying, how she feels trapped in the house when my mom is there, etc. She basically wants my mom to come over for no more than 2 hours and then leave (again we live about 40 minutes apart).
This issue she has with my mom seeing our son a couple of times a week for a few hours, has started to cause bigger and bigger fights between us. Part of me understands that my wife's lack of her own social circle of close friends, and not having family nearby is contributing to her unhappiness with our current situation. But the other part of me can't help but feel like I've done everything in my power to help, and it feels that she is just complaining about my mom because she's unhappy with where she is in life. I have tried helping her find a career that she would like, I have tried telling her she can remain a stay at home mom if she wants, I have tried getting her a therapist to help her work through her issues, I have tried encouraging her to join mom & baby classes to meet new friends (which she now attends, but hasn't made any real friends during them), I have offered to joint local couples meetups with her to meet new friends if that would make her more comfortable, I have encouraged her to invite the few local friends she does have over for dinner or even go out with them while I watch the baby, I have offered to move to a part of the city that is even further from my parents, and I've even offered to move cities altogether to be closer to her own family (although her family does not reside in just 1 city, they split time between a few). I've also told her to voice her issues to my mom and hash out whatever the issues are, but she says my mom will see it as disrespectful and "make things even more awkward" (which may in fact be true, but in that case I've told her we would just see my mom less, which is what she wants anyway...). Each time I suggest something, I feel that it is met with resistance or some excuse as to why it won't work (for instance when I suggest moving cities, she says no because I'll "use that against her" in the future if we fight). I'm just not sure where I can take it from here. I'm sure couples counseling has to be a part of the solution in some way, but I'm not sure what they are going to be able to offer that I haven't already tried.
I guess I'm just looking for advice. My guess is my wife wants me to just straight up tell my mom she can't come over twice a week anymore (but I could see my wife having a problem even if it was just once a week), for no good reason. My mom has no idea my wife despises her, and me just randomly telling my parents they can't come over anymore for no apparent reason would cause a rift between me & them. I love my parents and they're only getting older. They're not going to live forever, and I would feel awful if I told them they just can't come to see their grandson because my wife doesn't like my mom for no particularly legitimate reason.
Thanks in advance to whoever read through this, and for whatever advice you can provide.
TLDR - I feel like I've bent over backwards to make my wife happy but she still has a major issue with my mom that I don't know how to resolve.

**Sorry for the lengthy post in advance*\*
My car was sideswiped on the right side on May 7th. I was driving straight when the other Driver tried to merge into traffic after being stopped beside a yellow curb. Somehow the other Driver didn't see me as she went to pull forward and she hit my car hard enough to take her front bumper almost clean off (was still hanging just barely on the right side) and my right side passenger door will no longer open, giant gash all the way down the right side of my vehicle. I called the police, took photos of the scene (had to move my car because it was hindering traffic directly, cars were lining up), and gave a statement to the officer. He checked both drivers for "suspected at fault" on the police report, but in his narrative, he clearly stated that the other driver "Unit 2" was determined to be at fault. This is where things started getting difficult..
Accident happened on Tuesday 5/7. I called the police immediately, my insurance, took photos, provided them to both insurance parties- everything I was supposed to do on day one. Meanwhile, two days go by before the at-fault driver makes contact with their insurance at all. I had called Wednesday and Thursday to find out if their insurance had heard anything from the driver- nothing. Finally, Friday 5/10, after I'd been called them early that morning and left a voicemail, their insurance calls me back around 5:00PM (you know, when everything's basically closing for the weekend.) I'm told by an agent assisting with my claim (not the agent who was handling it "directly") that there was nothing they could do because "The police report shows you to be at fault" (he was reading an ACCIDENT INFORMATION FORM and NOT a **POLICE REPORT**) and that he'd spoken to their insured driver "yesterday" about it. Well, awesome, they let a whole two days go by without telling me they'd heard from their insured while I'm having to cancel plans to pick up my Mother for Mother's day that weekend (she's 75 and I frequently drive 8 hour long trips to pick her up for family events. My passenger door again won't open and she can't ride in the backseats.) I managed to get in contact with the police department customer service line just before they closed for the weekend and they informed me that the **police report** hadn't even been completed yet, that it wouldn't be released until the following Monday lol. So, the genius who told me that they had a **police report** screwed up because they in fact **didn't have one yet**, and didn't know wtf documentation he was even looking at, which seems extremely unprofessional at best and in bad faith at worst. Either way, not good to tell me they have official documentation when they don't.
So, Monday morning rolls along, 5/13. I call in and get the **actual** police report from police customer service. It shows myself and the other driver "Unit 2" to be at fault, both of our names checked for "suspect at fault" but in the narrative it clearly states "Unit 2 determined to be at fault but not cited." I send this to their insurance. They call me the next day, Tuesday, and come at me with a double standard about the report. They claim that because the officer was not there, that they cannot go off of his narrative as proof... but they can take his word on the two checked boxes where I'm "suspect at fault" along with their insured lol? Okay.. well, the officer **also** wasn't there to attest to either of us being qualified as "suspect at fault" because he didn't see anything. This is ridiculous, and I understand it's how things go with insurance, but lol. It's a clear double standard: take one part of the evidence to your benefit and leave the other part out. They told me since there was no video footage, I was out of luck. When I asked the adjuster to provide me with any proof they'd been given and a written statement about what story they'd been given by their insured, the adjuster got really rude with me and hung up on me and wouldn't return my call back. So, I called my insurance agent (I had reported the accident to her initially but told her I would be going through the at-fault's insurance, she said that's fine and my premiums will remain the same) and I informed her of all this just to be honest and keep her updated. By this time, I was also waiting on the police to get in touch with me about getting my police report amended to remove the check box showing I was "suspect at fault".
From Tuesday 5/14 to Thursday 5/16, I spend days calling the police, trying to get in touch with the officer who responded to the scene, keep getting told I'll hear back from him or a sergeant, nope. I go to 4 different police precincts and 2 different courthouse buildings TRYING to figure out who the hell I can get to just amend the report for me, each location pointing me somewhere else... I eventually speak to a sergeant who informs me he'll get the police report amending process "expedited" (still haven't heard back from him lol) and he tells me I might need to request approval for the footage from the county sheriff........... SO, after realizing I was basically on my own, realizing that my only recourse was that surveillance footage, I just went straight to the location where the accident happened outside of by myself (it actually was outside one of the courthouses I went to for information...) and they fucking handed me over a disc with the surveillance footage the following morning, Friday 5/17. No police escort needed, no court order, no county sheriff..! The woman working the front desk happened to also be outside when the accident happened on May 7th, and she remembered me and knew exactly what I was there for! I sent this video footage to my insurance agent and she said she would send the video file to the other insurance party herself and try to get the ball rolling for me about getting all of this settled.
Thank you for anyone that has read this far. This is my first time dealing with this kind of thing and it's been more leg work than I expected. I don't mean to come off as blunt to anyone reading, just trying to handle this as assertively as I need to not get myself ripped off by anyone, as I thought this would be a very straight forward proceeding and thought that the other driver was very clealy liable. At this point, what should I do to proceed? Does the other insurance company sound like they dropped the ball a few times or am I being too brash in thinking this? They basically lied or didn't know what they were telling me about when they stated prematurely that they had a police report, and let me go on indefinitely with bad information that I had to figure out on my own wasn't true. They had an entire department from another state handling my claim in the beginning that apparently wasn't "legally allowed" to handle my claim because of whatever red-tape explanation they gave me, I cannot recall.. but more time wasted. I know insurance agents get swamped, I understand you all work very hard, but I felt pretty disregarded by at-fault's insurance when I was trying to seek answers about their reasoning. It is now Tuesday 5/21 and I have yet to hear from their insurance, their website still says I am liable for the accident, and there's absolutely no way lol. They have the video, they've had to have watched it by now, it absolves me of any liability plain as day. I feel like they are still collating this information and sitting on their hands. At what point should I press for escalation of this issue? Should I hire a pro bono lawyer? Or should I just relax? I feel like the adjuster hanging up on me and trying to move forward with no explanation provided and just writing me as liable isn't right. I'm also out of work now for the past two weeks (I do rideshare and also help take care of my father in-home hospice care with my sister.)
Any advice is appreciated. I'm not trying to gouge anyone or upset anything, I just want to get compensated correctly and get this over this. I am very confident in that I am not liable, I have photos and video to back this up. I am just wondering how should I be handling the at-fault's insurance from here on?

TLDR. AITA for not wanting to continue a relationship with my nesting partner because they are in a relationship with my ex?
(keeping everything gender neutral)
NP and I started dating first; a few months later we met someone else together and ethically formed a triad. We will call them E. We all moved in together a few months after that. 1.5 years full of turmoil, emotional abuse from all sides including me. I was a terrible partner to NP, choosing E while wrapped up in NRE and the idea that they were everything I’d been missing in life. A lot of secrets and lies between us and NP. At one point NP and I took a break from our relationship because I was not capable of being a good partner to them. We all continued to live together, and I started weekly therapy that I have been in for 9 months now. E and NP, and E and I continued our respective relationships during that time. Eventually NP and I reconciled.
3 months ago (and 6 months since NP and I reconciled) NP and I kick E out of the house for a number of reasons. Intense manipulation, gaslighting, general fuckery. I went (mostly) no contact with them, despite my continued love for them. I tried to reach out a few times and was met with “I do miss you, but I can’t ever go back to that”.
If NP had said they were going to continue to be in a relationship with E after kicking them out, I would have been the one to leave.
NP drastically reduced communication, but has a trauma response in not being able to let people go. After the first month of NP and E retaining communication I brought up how difficult and hurtful that is for me. That I couldn’t continue our relationship if they were together in any form. NP assured me that it was casual conversation, and that they were working towards letting go of E. Doing a lot of therapy, and making great progress from what I knew. I swallowed my feelings about it with the idea that eventually they wouldn’t be in regular contact.
Yesterday I found out that they are not only still in daily contact, but romantically in contact, proclaiming how much they miss each other and using their dynamic pet names. I went to my therapist that afternoon and talked out how I was going to broach this with NP. I went home, and I did my very best to remain calm, although I cry about everything so that is inevitable. I brought up how it makes me feel, ex. sad, vulnerable, scared, hurt. NP tells me that E is “trying to be better for them”. Regardless of if that is true, or another one of E’s manipulations, I can’t support them being together in any capacity beyond casual friends. What I was met with was less than ideal. A lot of you’re selfish, my relationship with them has nothing to do with you, you’re an abuser too, why does your hurt trump mine, etc. All things that I even told my therapist that’s what would be said. When I brought up that I was also scared for NP that E was going to hurt them more and more like they have done to us for the last year and a half, NP said that felt like a cop out, like I am trying to make excuses for my feelings about it all. Which isn’t true, I had discussed all of that with my therapist prior.
Baseline is I can’t spend my life with someone who is in a relationship with my ex. Especially with everything that we had gone through as triad. I still love E, and am I very jealous of NP for E “trying” with them and not with me. NP says that is because I am combative and volatile with E, and it’s easy for them. How can NP and I work long term if that is the case?
NP was, and is my first choice for someone to spend my life with, but I cannot realistically imagine a future where I am not resentful of this. While I understand where NP is coming from, not wanting to lose a person they love so much, it is not my responsibility to put up with the hurt that that relationship is causing me.
Any advice is appreciated. Although “just leave” isn’t an option, as our lives are entangled and I don’t have any other housing options that allow me to remain close to my children. Plus I just really don’t want to. I want to be with NP. I want to marry them. But at what cost to my already fragile mental health?
If I am wrong, please tell me.

DAY: MAY 20 2024
5-20-2024

Why nightmares and ‘daymares’ could be early warning signs of autoimmune disease

An increase in nightmares and hallucinations—or ‘daymares’—could herald the onset of autoimmune diseases such as lupus, say an international team led by researchers at the University of Cambridge and King’s College London. The researchers argue that there must be greater recognition that these types of mental health and neurological symptoms can act as an early warning sign that an individual is approaching a “flare,” where their disease worsens for a period.
5-20-2024 Yoga and meditation-induced altered states of consciousness are common in the general population, study says
Yoga, mindfulness, meditation, breathwork, and other practices are gaining in popularity due to their potential to improve health and well-being. The effects of these practices are mostly positive and occasionally transformational, yet they are known to sometimes be associated with challenging altered states of consciousness. New research by a team including investigators from Massachusetts General Hospital reveals that altered states of consciousness associated with meditation practice are far more common than expected. Although many people reported positive outcomes, that were sometimes even considered transformational, from these experiences, for a substantial
5-20-2024 Examining the benefits of out-of-network care for pediatric moyamoya
Total in-episode expenses and resource use before the index surgery (preop) and including/after the surgery (postop). The comparisons are separated for analysis into (A) single institution cohorts (1 and 2) and (B) multi?institution cohorts (3 and 4). Moyamoya disease is a rare condition that affects the blood vessels in the brain, especially in children. Narrowing and blockage of vessels significantly increases the risk of stroke and requires surgical revascularization for treatment. Although research shows that outcomes of revascularization are better
5-20-2024 Study explores links between social media use, mental health and sleep quality
The more time you spend on social media, the greater the likelihood of having unpleasant social-media related dreams that cause distress, sleep disruption and impact our peace of mind. Flinders University’s Reza Shabahang says that the vast and rapid adoption of social media has the potential to influence various aspects of life, including the realm of dreaming. “As social media becomes increasingly intertwined with our lives, its impact extends beyond waking hours, and may influence our dreams,”
5-20-2024 How are asthma and heart health linked?
Although the heart and lungs are neighbors in your chest, people may think of them as separate entities with unrelated problems. But a growing body of evidence suggests that asthma—one of the most common lung disorders—is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease. Asthma is a serious chronic disease in which airways are inflamed, often in response to specific triggers. It affects about 25 million people in the U.S., including nearly 5 million children, causing millions of annual visits to doctors’ offices and emergency rooms. “We call these major changes
5-20-2024 STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
Trust in one’s physician drives positive health practices. In a scoping review, SUNY Poly Professor of Sociology Dr. Linda R. Weber discovered new developments in the measurement of trust, identified those measures of trust that have known reliability and validity, and compared those instruments’ conceptualizations, dimensions, and indicators. The paper is published in the journal PLOS ONE. Weber explains that 10 dimensions emerged from the study: fidelity, technical competence, communicative competence, interpersonal competence (i.e., caring), honesty, confidentiality, global, behavioral, fairness, and system trust/accountability. In addition, these findings provide the foundation
5-20-2024 TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
Living a busy, fast-paced life can make it hard to find the motivation to cook a healthy meal at home. However, learning some shortcuts in the kitchen can keep your healthy eating goals on track and help you avoid grazing on unhealthy snacks, grabbing the first thing you see in the fridge or going out for fast food. Why cook at home? Research shows that maintaining a healthy weight is challenging when you eat out too frequently. Restaurant portions often are super-sized
5-20-2024 UNDERSTANDING PERIMENOPAUSE VS. MENOPAUSE
Menopause marks a significant transition for women, yet understanding its precursor, perimenopause, and its symptoms can be complex. Dr. Stephanie Faubion, director of Mayo Clinic’s Center for Women’s Health and medical director of The Menopause Society, says experiencing perimenopause and menopause can be confusing for some. She says it is not only patients who may find it confusing, but medical providers as well, due to lack of training in menopause management. “Menopause is defined by no menstrual cycle for a year,” says Dr. Faubion.
5-20-2024 LOW-DOSE IRON SUPPLEMENTATION HAS NO BENEFIT FOR BREASTFED INFANTS, SHOWS STUDY
The American Pediatric Association recommends iron supplements to all healthy infants who breastfeed longer than four months, while its European counterpart, Society of Gastroenterology, Hepataology and Nutrition, does not recommend it. These deviating guidelines stimulated researchers to design a new study. Breastfeeding is strongly recommended, and the proportion of children are breastfed during the first half of life is high. The researchers wanted to determine whether breastfeeding babies could benefit from extra iron.
5-20-2024 ALLERGY MEDICATIONS COME WITH HAZARDS: BE AWARE
People with seasonal allergies often turn to over-the-counter and prescription medicines to relieve symptoms like coughing, sneezing, runny nose, congestion and itchy eyes, nose or throat. But they often aren’t aware that these meds—including antihistamines—have as much risk for potential side effects, drug interactions and overdose as other drugs. “All medicines have side effects associated with them even when they are taken appropriately and according to dosing directions on the label,”
5-20-2024 I CAN’T AFFORD OLIVE OIL—WHAT ELSE CAN I USE?
If you buy your olive oil in bulk, you’ve likely been in for a shock in recent weeks. Major supermarkets have been selling olive oil for up to A$65 for a four-liter tin, and up to $26 for a 750 milliliter bottle. We’ve been hearing about the health benefits of olive oil for years. And many of us are adding it to salads, or baking and frying with it. But during a cost-of-living crisis, these high prices can put olive oil out of reach. Let’s take a look at why
5-20-2024 Researchers uncover biological trigger of early puberty
Heather Brenhouse, associate professor of psychology, says disrupting the caretaker relationship can really traumatize a child or a developing rodent. Credit: Ruby Wallau/Northeastern University New research conducted by the Brenhouse Lab reveals how early life adversity triggers early puberty and late-life anxiety, paving the way for potential interventions. The onset of puberty has been creeping downward for decades. In the United States, the average age of girls reaching puberty ranges from 8.8 to 10.3 years old. The early start of puberty, which is associated with many health risks, can be
5-20-2024 Bioluminescence and 3D-printed implants shed light on brain–spinal interactions
Brain-spinal cord duet’s neurodynamic symphony is now accessible to scientists via novel multi-organ implants. Credit: Dmitrijs Celinskis A sensory process such as pain is no ordinary phenomenon—it’s a symphony of neural and vascular interactions orchestrated by the brain and spinal cord. Attempting to dissect this symphony by focusing on a single region is like trying to understand a complex melody by listening to just one instrument. It’s incomplete, potentially misleading, and may result in erroneous conclusions. Enter the Carney Institute’s team of visionaries. Their mission? To develop tools that allow
5-20-2024 New thesis explores cancer treatment that can prevent relapse
. What is the main focus of your thesis? Relapse following initial treatment efficacy remains a major clinical challenge for many cancers. The focus of my thesis has been to explore the therapeutic impact of immune cells in patients with blood cancer (leukemia), by first investigating which cells
5-20-2024 New study reveals health and social benefits of car-free living
Participating in a three-week car-free challenge has enhanced the health and well-being of Oxford residents, according to research conducted by The University of Bath’s Centre for Climate Change and Social Transformations (CAST), in partnership with climate charity Possible and Low Carbon Oxford North (LCON), conducted this research project. After ditching their cars for three weeks, 10 out of the 12 drivers across Oxford who participated said they plan to continue with reduced car use beyond the project. The findings of this research project show that: Day-to-day transport emissions were slashed
5-20-2024 Research shows linked biological pathways driving skin inflammation
A certain biological pathway—a set of linked reactions in the body—drives the inflammation seen in the skin disease psoriasis, a new study finds. The work could lead to improved therapies for all inflammatory skin diseases, including atopic and allergic dermatitis and a type of boil called hidradenitis suppurativa, say the study authors. The findings are published in the journal Immunity. Inflammation is the body’s natural response to irritation and infection, but when out of control, it can lead to the reddish, flaky, itchy lesions that
5-20-2024 Prescription co-payments linked to more hospital admissions in New Zealand, study finds
A new study from researchers cautions that bringing back the $5 co-payment for prescription medicines could see a jump in hospital admissions. The study analyzed health data for 71,502 people and found those who didn’t pick up a prescription because they couldn’t afford the $5 fee had a 34% higher rate of being admitted to hospital.
5-20-2024 How a simulation is informing COVID-19 vaccine policy after our ‘return to normal’
As the saying goes “There is no such thing as normal” and this has been especially true after the pandemic. Before the emergence of the omicron COVID-19 variant, countries like the U.K. had high vaccination coverage along with widespread exposure to COVID-19 in the population. This combination of vaccine and infection-derived immunity is termed hybrid immunity and is different to vaccine immunity or infection immunity alone. In contrast, other countries, including Australia, New Zealand and those in the Western Pacific, had a very different pandemic experience.
5-20-2024 Researchers find intriguing connections between Alzheimer’s disease and other common conditions
A study has found that while some medical conditions appear to increase our likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s disease, others appear to decrease the odds. The study, led by Dr. Yijun (Nicholas) Pan and Dr. Liang Jin, analyzed data from 2,443 older Australians living in Melbourne or Perth who are part of the Australian Imaging, Biomarker and Lifestyle (AIBL) study, an internationally recognized cohort for dementia research. “We found anxiety and other neurological disorders are associated with increased likelihood of Alzheimer’s disease,” Dr. Pan said.
5-20-2024 Prepping autistic or sound-sensitive kids for cicada noise
As Chicagoans await the emergence of the cicadas, parents of children on the autism spectrum and/or who have sensitivities to sound can take a few steps to prepare for what is expected to be a loud summer. “Some children on the spectrum can struggle with loud or unexpected noises, such as toilets that automatically flush, fireworks around the Fourth of July or the emergence of a large number of cicadas,”
5-20-2024 Study highlights importance of screening for rare inherited iron metabolism defects
Over 40% of cases curated based on stringent clinical and laboratory criteria from the Indian subcontinent have an inherited iron metabolism defect on comprehensive genomic evaluation, report investigators in The Journal of Molecular Diagnostics. Although iron deficiency anemia is the most prevalent form of anemia globally,
5-20-2024 Study finds tyrosine kinase Csk promotes germinal center B cell survival and affinity maturation
The authors found that Csk (a tyrosine kinase that attenuates B cell receptor signaling) is required for germinal center maintenance and efficient antibody maturation. The immune system strikes a fine balance by identifying and neutralizing disease-causing agents while carefully avoiding destruction of healthy tissues and cells. Now, researchers from Japan have shed new light on one of the processes that helps train immune cells to act only against genuine threats.
5-20-2024 Significant gaps between science of obesity and the care patients receive, say experts
As research continues to produce evidence about the underlying causes of obesity and optimal strategies to treat and manage obesity have evolved, there are disparities in application of the latest scientific advances in the clinical care that people with obesity receive. Widespread adoption of current findings, consistency of care and expertise in obesity care varies by health care professional and institution.
5-20-2024 Improving online depression treatment
Symptom course of depression for individuals who dropped out of treatment and those who completed treatment. In the dropout group, there is an initial decrease in symptoms while the patients were still in treatment, which tapers off as they drop out. For completers, there is close to a linear change over time. This suggests there is a relation between the more that an individual continues to participate in ICBT and their depressive symptom improvement.
5-20-2024 Women face worse chronic kidney disease management in primary care
Women receive worse primary care-based chronic kidney disease (CKD) management than men, according to a research letter adult patients with CKD receiving primary care at 15 practices using electronic health record data to examine sex disparities in guideline-based CKD management
5-20-2024 Bisoprolol does not reduce exacerbations in at-risk COPD patients
For patients with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), bisoprolol does not reduce the number of self-reported exacerbations treated with oral corticosteroids, antibiotics, or both, according to a study
5-20-2024 Anticancer potential of CLK kinase inhibitors 1C8 and GPS167 via EMT and antiviral immune response
The diheteroarylamide-based compound 1C8 and the aminothiazole carboxamide-related compound GPS167 inhibit the CLK kinases, and affect the proliferation of a broad range of cancer cell lines. A chemogenomic screen previously performed with GPS167 revealed that the depletion of components associated with mitotic spindle assembly altered
5-20-2024 Study sheds light on bacteria associated with pre-term birth
Researchers from North Carolina State University have found that multiple species of Gardnerella, bacteria sometimes associated with bacterial vaginosis (BV) and pre-term birth, can coexist in the same vaginal microbiome. The findings, published in mSystems, add to the emerging picture of Gardnerella’s effects on human health. Gardnerella is a group of anaerobic bacteria that are commonly found in the vaginal microbiome. Higher levels of the bacteria are a signature of BV and associated with higher risk of pre-term birth, but it is also found in women who have no sign
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations
5-20-2024 New AI model uses federated learning for multi-organ segmentation based on medical image data
Researchers have successfully developed the technology that can accurately segment different body organs by effectively learning medical image data used for different purposes in different hospitals, which is expected to greatly contribute to the development of large-scale medical AI models in the future.
5-20-2024 Second Phase 3 clinical trial again shows dupilumab lessens disease in COPD patients with type 2 inflammation
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients with type 2 inflammation may soon gain access to a new drug—dupilumab—that showed rapid and sustained improvements in patients in a pivotal Phase 3 clinical trial, researchers report in the New England Journal of Medicine. This monoclonal antibody is the first biologic shown to improve clinical outcomes in COPD. The data supporting the use of dupilumab in COPD will be reviewed by the United States Food and Drug Administration in June. The disease improvements—as measured by a significantly lower annualized rate of acute exacerbations

• 5-20-2024GALLBLADDER CANCER RISES AMONG BLACK AMERICANS AS CASES DECLINE IN OTHER GROUPS
• 5-20-2024US PEDIATRICIANS REVERSE DECADES-OLD ADVICE AGAINST HIV-POSITIVE MOTHERS BREASTFEEDING
• 5-20-2024UK REPORT FINDS COVER-UP OF DECADES-LONG INFECTED BLOOD SCANDAL
• 5-20-2024ASTRAZENECA TO BUILD $1.5 BLN CANCER DRUG FACILITY IN SINGAPORE
• 5-20-2024CHEMO FOR GLIOBLASTOMA ENHANCED BY TAPPING INTO CELL’S DAILY RHYTHMS
• 5-20-2024RESEARCH SHOWS THAT FERROPTOSIS, A FORM OF CELL DEATH, OCCURS IN SEVERE COVID-19 PATIENT LUNGS
• 5-20-2024BODY’S ‘MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE’ DELIVERS TARGETED CANCER TREATMENT
• 5-20-2024EARLY BLOOD GLUCOSE CONTROL FOR THOSE WITH TYPE 2 DIABETES CRUCIAL FOR REDUCING COMPLICATIONS, PROLONGING LIFE
• 5-20-2024GRID CELL RESPONSES TO THE ILLUSION OF SELF-LOCATION
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER TOP-DOWN SIGNALS IN BRAIN CIRCUITS REGULATING DEPRESSION
• 5-20-2024BENIGN NAIL CONDITION LINKED TO RARE SYNDROME THAT GREATLY INCREASES CANCER RISK
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS REVEAL PROMISING TREATMENT TARGET FOR RESISTANT BRAIN CANCER
• 5-20-2024NEW MECHANISMS UNDERLYING TUMOR VARIETY IN BRAIN CANCERS DISCOVERED
• 5-20-2024STUDY EXPLORES PATIENT TRUST IN PHYSICIANS
• 5-20-2024MOTIVATED BY LACK OF DIVERSITY IN NEUROLOGICAL STUDIES, SCIENTISTS LOOK TO ENSURE EQUITY IN BRAIN RESEARCH
• 5-20-2024FLUORIDE EXPOSURE DURING PREGNANCY LINKED TO INCREASED RISK OF CHILDHOOD NEUROBEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-20-2024STUDY SUGGESTS BOTH STEP AND TIME-BASED EXERCISE TARGETS ARE EQUALLY BENEFICIAL
• 5-20-2024MEDICAID ‘UNWINDING’ DECRIED AS BIASED AGAINST DISABLED PEOPLE
• 5-20-2024TIMESAVING TIPS FOR COOKING HEALTHY MEALS
• 5-20-2024UNDERSTANDING PERIMENOPAUSE VS. MENOPAUSE
• 5-20-2024LOW-DOSE IRON SUPPLEMENTATION HAS NO BENEFIT FOR BREASTFED INFANTS, SHOWS STUDY
• 5-20-2024IS IT BIRD FLU JUST AN ANIMAL THING, OR CAN PEOPLE CATCH IT?
• 5-20-2024SCIENTISTS USE NEW APPROACH TO DISABLE BRAIN CANCER CELLS’ ABILITY TO SURVIVE
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHER FINDS MOTHERS LIVE LONGER AS CHILD MORTALITY DECLINES
• 5-20-2024U-SHAPED LINK DETECTED BETWEEN ADOLESCENT BMI AND MENTAL HEALTH
• 5-20-2024AI CHATBOTS SHOW HIGHER EMPATHY, READABILITY IN RESPONDING TO CANCER QUESTIONS, STUDY FINDS
• 5-20-2024ALLERGY MEDICATIONS COME WITH HAZARDS: BE AWARE
• 5-20-2024GENETICALLY ENGINEERED PIG HEARTS TRANSPLANTED IN TWO BRAIN-DEAD PATIENTS REVEAL MORE ABOUT IMMUNE RESPONSE
• 5-20-2024I CAN’T AFFORD OLIVE OIL—WHAT ELSE CAN I USE?
• 5-20-2024HOW NEWBORN CHICKS ARE HELPING TO SETTLE A CENTURIES-OLD DEBATE ABOUT COGNITION AND OUR SENSES
• 5-20-2024STOMACH PARALYSIS RISK MAY RISE IN PEOPLE TAKING OZEMPIC AND SIMILAR DRUGS
• 5-20-2024WHY AUTISTIC PEOPLE MUST BE AT THE HEART OF AUTISM RESEARCH
• 5-20-2024OUR BODIES DON’T JUST MAKE GALL AND KIDNEY STONES—FROM SALIVA TO TONSILS, THESE ARE OTHER ONES TO LOOK OUT FOR
• 5-20-20241 IN 4 PARENTS SAY THEIR TEEN CONSUMES CAFFEINE DAILY OR NEARLY EVERY DAY
• 5-20-2024EX-CIGARETTE SMOKERS WHO VAPE MAY BE AT HIGHER RISK FOR LUNG CANCER
• 5-20-2024DOING DAILY CHORES AROUND THE HOUSE IS BEST ACTIVITY FOR INDIVIDUALS RECOVERING FROM COVID-19, SAY SCIENTISTS
• 5-20-2024NEW AI ALGORITHM MAY IMPROVE AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE PREDICTION AND THERAPIES
• 5-20-2024ALCOHOL USE DISORDER CAN BE TREATED WITH AN ARRAY OF MEDICATIONS—BUT FEW PEOPLE HAVE HEARD OF THEM
• 5-20-2024VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY TIED TO WORSE OUTCOMES WITH EARLY KIDNEY DISEASE
• 5-20-2024NEGATIVE LINK SEEN FOR OXIDATIVE BALANCE SCORE WITH CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE
• 5-20-2024ANDEXANET YIELDS BETTER CONTROL OF HEMATOMA EXPANSION THAN USUAL CARE, FINDS STUDY
• 5-20-2024STUDY FINDS FAT CELLS INFLUENCE HEART HEALTH IN CHAGAS DISEASE
• 5-20-2024PEDIATRICIAN EXPLAINS WHY INFANTS NEED BABY FORMULA INSTEAD OF COW’S MILK
• 5-20-2024HOW TELEHEALTH HAS IMPROVED THE LIVES OF PEOPLE WITH SUBSTANCE DISORDERS
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DEVELOP FIRST HUMAN MINI-BRAIN WITH FULLY FUNCTIONAL BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER
• 5-20-2024FROM INFECTION TO CHRONIC ILLNESS: LEARNING FROM LONG COVID
• 5-20-2024PLATELET BIOMARKERS SHED LIGHT ON POTENTIAL RISK FACTORS FOR SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME
• 5-20-2024DO PATIENTS WITH DEVICE-DETECTED ATRIAL FIBRILLATION AND PRIOR STROKE BENEFIT FROM ANTICOAGULATION?
• 5-20-2024CONTRACEPTION OPTIONS SHOULD BE GIVEN WITH ORAL RETINOIDS TO AVOID SERIOUS HARM TO UNBORN BABIES, SAYS STUDY
• 5-20-2024STUDY REVEALS INEQUITIES IN MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES FOR JUSTICE-INVOLVED YOUTH AS THEY AGE
• 5-20-2024STUDY SHOWS EXERCISE SPURS NEURON GROWTH AND REWIRES THE BRAIN, HELPING MICE FORGET TRAUMATIC AND ADDICTIVE MEMORIES
• 5-20-2024RESEARCHERS DISCOVER BRAIN NETWORK THAT RECOGNIZES EMOTIONS
• 5-20-2024PHILLY HEALTH OFFICIALS DETECT A VETERINARY SEDATIVE MORE POWERFUL THAN XYLAZINE IN DRUG SAMPLES
• 5-20-2024PARC MODEL OF CARE ASSOCIATED WITH FEWER DEATHS AMONG VETERANS POST-ICU
• 5-20-2024CAR-T THERAPY IN PEDIATRIC LEUKEMIA
• 5-20-2024SPIROMETRY CLINICAL TRIAL ELIGIBILITY MAY DIFFER WITH RACE-NEUTRAL EQUATIONS
• 5-20-2024CAN PINK NOISE ENHANCE SLEEP AND MEMORY? EARLY RESEARCH DRIVES A COLOR NOISE BUZZ
• 5-20-2024NEW CRISPR SCREENING METHOD COULD REVEAL WHAT DRIVES BRAIN DISEASES
• 5-20-2024IS A GLOBAL PANDEMIC PREVENTION PACT WITHIN REACH?
• 5-20-2024NEW DEVICE HELPS PARAPLEGICS REGAIN PARTIAL USE OF HANDS
• 5-20-2024RELATIONSHIP STUDY SAYS PARENTAL ACCEPTANCE IN CHILDHOOD PREDICTS ABILITY TO FORGIVE AS ADULTS
• 5-20-2024SIMULATION-BASED TRAINING PROGRAM IMPROVES EVALUATION OF UNDESCENDED TESTICLES
• 5-20-2024UPTAKE OF FLU, WHOOPING COUGH, AND COVID-19 VACCINES REMAINS LOW AMONG PREGNANT WOMEN
• 5-20-2024NEW TOOL FLAGS HIDDEN SEXUAL STRUGGLES IN FEMALE PARTNERS OF PATIENTS WITH PROSTATE CANCER

Considerations on Sexual Immorality, Gender Identity, and my friends Non-Denominational Church.
A good friend of mine from a fairly conservative evangelical background is considering becoming a pastor at his non-denominational church. As part of the evaluation process, they asked him to write a paper on these topics that he is not an expert on.
He asked for my opinion and I offered to share it online to solicit constructive criticism, notes of encouragement, and or reading recommendations on these topics.
I believe his goal is to be faithful to the scriptures, loving to those outside the church, and challenging to those inside the church, as most of us could do better.
What he wrote is in the quotation marks below.
“1: Scope of the Issue
Sexual immorality has become a besetting and ubiquitous issue in our culture and in our churches. While many aspects of it are not novel or unique to this time and have clear scriptural input, there are others that bring challenges to our church for which we don’t have obvious precedent. The main point of these comments is to try and answer three questions with some degree of specificity: (1) how do we make ourselves a place where people who do not know Christ will feel welcome to come and learn of Him regardless of where they come from, (2) how do we pastorally care for people who have come in to the church with pre-existing circumstances related to sexual immorality, and (3) how do we equip our members to represent Christ to those in their lives that are dealing with these issues. We want to do this in a way that does not “walk a tight rope” or compromise to appease, but honors Scripture in its commands to both show compassion and exhort and correct. We must recognize that every individual circumstance is unique, and many will require careful and prayerful consideration, but this is meant to give a framework for that consideration.
2: Scriptural Basis for Corporate Response
There are many references we can point to that discuss and define sexual immorality throughout Scripture and many of these will be used below as we consider specific examples and situations. Let us start, however, by looking at passages that deal with corporate response rather than individual sin. It is clear that the Corinthian church had significant issues in this area, and much of Paul’s first letter was devoted to it. In chapter 5, Paul states that when sexual immorality is discovered in the church we should “mourn” over it and “not to associate with immoral people.” Importantly, he also makes clear in vv. 9-13 that these comments only apply to those “who bears the name of brother.” He explicitly writes, “not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world…for what have I to do with judging outsiders?” This is key in informing our response to those who are not members of the church. If it is our desire to see sinners come through our doors and come to know our Savior through our ministry, then we must be welcoming, accepting them where they are. This is not to say we hide or compromise the biblical position, but it is not an issue on which we want to filter people at the door. There are three categories of people in sexual sin that we need to form a response for. First, those just coming to the church who have not committed to it – these should be treated the same as any we are reaching out to with Christ’s love. They need Jesus, not behavioral change. Next, those who have recently joined the church but have pre-existing sexual sin patterns. This can and should be addressed with patience, dignity, and love. There are often many sin areas in the life of a new believer, and it is prudent to discern how and when to address each of them. Lastly, those who have been members in the church for some amount of time and fall into sexual sin. This is the group that Paul is primarily addressing in 1 Corinthians. While sex within marriage is a private issue, sexual sin cannot be a taboo topic. It needs to be addressed regularly and clearly. We need close enough relationships within the church that such problems do not fester in the dark. We must avoid the typical church pattern to vilify the first group, never see the second group, and pretend the third group doesn’t exist until it all blows up in scandal. May it never be.
3: Consistency Issue
There is a tendency in our Christian culture to treat some sexual sins as worse than others. Like the Corinthians, some things we seem to have accepted as just ubiquitous parts of our culture. Knowing the prevalence of promiscuity and fornication among teens and single adults and usage of pornography even within the church, we tend to address these as issues of indwelling sin, similar to anger or fear of man, with offers of accountability and understanding when someone falls. By contrast, when it comes to homosexuality or adultery, it is often a church discipline issue. We view homosexual marriage as a major problem, but remarriage after a non-biblical divorce is rarely addressed. These inconsistencies lead to stigmatization and polarization and should have no place in the church. The criterion for escalation should be unrepentance, not the nature of the sexual sin. It is clear from 1 Corinthians that all should be taken seriously, but none should be vilified above others.
4: Culture and Identity
The major underlying problem with many of the sexual sin and gender issues is that they have come to be culturally bound up with people’s identities. This is not a new phenomenon and is not unique to this issue. As far back as Acts 19, you see people becoming “enraged” because Paul had threatened the Ephesians’ cultural identity as worshipers of Artemis. People continue to find their primary identities in their employment, hobbies, sports teams, or families rather than Christ. None of these should be accepted, but none should be reviled either. If a person does not know Jesus, they are dead. How they identify themselves is of no concern. Once they have been made alive, they can be taught that “whose” they are is more important than “who” they are. All identity outside of Christ is not sinful, but if it takes paramount importance, it may become so. A person who recognizes a tendency toward same sex attraction may label themselves as gay or lesbian. This should not be considered a sin issue unless it becomes, for them, their defining characteristic or leads to sinful actions. We should recognize the difficulty of this struggle and support such a person rather than get hung up on labels. There must be clear distinction between identifying same sex attraction and engaging in homosexual behavior. These should be the guiding principles underlying everything that follows are regards individual cases.
5: Public Facing Information, Guests, and New Attendees
Considering what we have discussed, and Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 5 that we ought to reserve judgment on sexual immorality to those we call brother, I would submit that public facing information regarding the church (i.e. website, app, etc) should not publish a position on sexual immorality, marriage, and gender identity. Doing so effectively places the filter at the door so that people who do not know Christ may be turned away from it. This is not tantamount to tacit approval. In appropriate contexts within the church, these topics should still be discussed and addressed, but I do not believe it is consistent with a biblical treatment of unbelievers to place it in a public facing forum. If we have guests or new regular attendees who appear to be engaged in a cohabitating or fornicating relationship, a homosexual relationship, or other sexual sin, this should not be a priority to address unless we have discerned that they are believers and join the church. Even then, it is important to draw a distinction between someone who deals with same-sex attraction and someone who engages in homosexual behavior. The next seven points are meant to discuss, in broad terms, how we should address those who join the church with pre-existing relationships or identity issues:
6: Promiscuity, Cohabitation – Hebrews 13:4, 1 Cor 7:1-2, Ex 22:16
Much of the biblical discussion on promiscuity is by inference. Clearly, sex was meant to be inseparably linked to marriage and outside of that context should be considered immoral. For those who join the church already in a sexual relationship who are unmarried we should apply Exodus 22:16 and encourage them to marry as soon as possible. If they do not wish to marry, they should be encouraged to separate. Paul acknowledges in 1 Cor 7:2 that marriage is the best remedy for “temptation to sexual immorality.”
7: Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage – Matt 5:32, Matt 19:9, 1 Cor 7:10-11
This issue is given much more explicit biblical instruction but is often glossed over in our Christian culture due to the messy landscape of divorces and remarriages. In cases where non-biblical divorce has occurred, if reconciliation is possible, this should be pursued. If reconciliation is impossible because one or more parties have remarried, it would not be sensible to divorce again in order to achieve reconciliation. The principle to apply here, I believe, is from 1 Cor 7:17-24 summarized in verse 20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” This is not an ideal circumstance, but it is the best way forward in an imperfect world. Of note, polygamy was common in the culture of the early church, and while not ideal, was accepted by the church, as evidenced by the qualifications for elder to be “a husband of but one wife.” We have polygamous cultures even within our local community and if they came to Christ, we should not counsel them to divorce all but one wife and thus disrupt their social structure. It is not ideal and would disqualify them from eldership, but they should remain as they are. Whether marriage after unbiblical divorce in the past disqualifies a man from eldership is a case-by case question for the eldership.
8: Pornography, Sensuality, and Lust – Lev 18:6-18, Matt 5:28
As mentioned above, use of pornography has reached a high saturation point within our culture and within our church. While once thought of as simply a male issue, there is a growing trend toward gender parity in pornography usage. It is an issue that should be discussed with some frequency within our church. For those that join the church and view pornography regularly, it needs to be made clear that while the world has largely destigmatized it, it is still sexual immorality. Furthermore, this isn’t just limited to nudity and pornography, but any sensuality that leads to looking at someone “with lustful intent” is the heart equivalent of adultery according to Matt 5:28. In our culture, it is not possible to avoid such things by just turning away. We need to address the heart issues of idolatry, selfishness, and satisfaction in Christ. Practically, how should we deal with those who have on-going struggles with pornography, sensuality and lust? Should this preclude them from eldership? From deaconship? Taken strictly, this would preclude nearly all men from eldership. These require individual evaluation from the elders, but a guiding principle should be, if the person is repentant and there is evidence of growth in their life, we should consider more responsibility and continued discipleship.
9: Homosexuality – Lev 18:22, Lev 20:13, 1 Cor 6:9, 1 Tim 1:8-11
From the above references and others, it is evident that homosexual behavior is sexual sin. We cannot equivocate on that point. As we have discussed above, if a person who is already a believer and in the church and struggles with same sex attraction, we should approach them as we would handle anyone who is sexually attracted to someone to whom they are not married. If such a person decides that homosexuality is not sinful and begins sexually immoral activity, we should deal with them in the same way as any member who falls into unrepentant sin and go through the processes of correction and, if necessary, of church discipline. It is important that we draw a distinction between same sex attraction and homosexual behavior. We can do tremendous harm by demonizing same sex attraction and creating a taboo around it. A person who is struggling to abstain from homosexual behavior should be supported and encouraged. I believe Paul’s strong statements about not associating with sexually immoral people applies to those who remain unrepentant. Much more nuanced is the issue of how we address those that join the church already in a homosexual relationship. What about the married homosexual couple who join the church with their adopted child? Should we break up their family? I believe, in this case, the same principle should apply as to those who have gone through an unbiblical divorce in the past. We should apply 1 Cor 7:20: “Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.” We can recognize that this is not ideal, but it is the best we can do in a fallen world just as we do with someone who is married after unbiblical divorce. Whether should apply to a homosexual couple in a long term committed relationship who are not legally married would be an individual discussion with the elders. Again, these are nuanced cases that will need individual prayer, discussion, and discernment. I believe a great deal more patience is called for when a new believer joins the church that has a history or present reality of homosexuality, even if they are unrepentant at first, believing that homosexuality is not sinful, than we would demonstrate to a person who has been in the church for a period of time and then decides to pursue a homosexual relationship.
10: Bisexuality – Heb 13:4
Bisexual attraction is no more or less of an issue than anyone who finds that they are sexually attracted to someone other than their spouse. This is not a rare or unique circumstance, even within the church. Someone who is practicing bisexuality is, by definition, not confining sex to the marriage bed, and this, therefore, qualifies as sexual immorality. The issue, here again, is one of identity and cultural acceptance. If a person “identifies as bisexual,” the real issue is not the bisexuality, but the fact that they identify themselves primarily by their sexual desires, and not by Christ. It would be equally a problem if they “identified as heterosexual” and that was seen as their defining characteristic. If such a person were to join the church, our priority should be in helping them see their identity in Christ rather than focusing on renouncing their sexual preference.
11: Transgenderism/Non-binarism – Psalm 139: 13-15
It should be noted that the next two points should not be considered in the category of sexual immorality, but as they are connected to the same cultural moment will be discussed here. It should further be remarked that transgenderism is a modern issue with no direct reference in Scripture. It is a challenging issue that often falls prey to oversimplification and scapegoating. It is not sufficient to simply state that a person should identify with their born gender. There are those born with ambiguous genitalia and those born with sex chromosome abnormalities such that “born gender” is not necessarily accurate. These occur with a frequency of 1 in 448 births on average which is not particularly rare. The majority of people who consider themselves to be transgender do not fall into these categories, but the fact remains that these categories exist. Unless we plan to embark on genetic testing, we must be careful how we assert someone’s gender assignment. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that much of the gender confusion in our culture is due to a distortion of biblically accurate masculinity and femininity in our culture of which the church has been widely supportive for generations. Many transgender and non-binary individuals consider themselves so because they do not fit into the traditional boxes our culture has created for the genders. The church can start by recognizing that these boxes are incorrect. We can also acknowledge that gender differences and roles are far less important than most human cultures perceive. Christ himself challenged many gender norms in his ministry and Paul maintains “…there is no male or female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28b) It is much more difficult to recognize this issue as a sin issue than many of the above concerns. If someone wishes to be addressed by different pronouns than they once did or dress differently than they once did, this does not amount to immorality. Once again, this can be an idolatrous identity issue if the person sees it as the central characteristic of their lives. There is often an inherent pride in asserting that such a person does not feel they fit in the body created for them, but if they come to love Jesus and understand and believe that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made” then this issue may become moot. Whether or not they revert to dressing differently or using pronouns they did when they were younger is largely immaterial. This also addresses the issue of people who may have undergone permanent physical changes. While we should not endorse such modification if it is being considered, there is no reason to reverse such a thing in order to return to a base state. We must recognize that this is a group that has a high propensity toward mental health concerns, instability, and suicidality. They need love, support and prayer, not scapegoating and extra-biblical expectations of conforming to a cultural norm. We must further note that this group as well as the homosexual group have often experienced psychological and even physical harm from others in our culture, sometimes in the name of Christ. We must foster an environment of champions physical and psychological safety for these people.
12: Asexuality – 1 Cor 7:25-38
Asexuality also should not be considered sexual immorality. There is, in fact, wide support in Paul’s letters such as in 1 Cor 7 for people, if they are able, to remain unmarried and be “anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” We tend to champion the model of the nuclear family in our Christian culture, but Paul sees chaste singleness as a better way. There should be no pressure from the church to make sure that single people pair off and get married because it is expected of them. As this state has been culturally identified with the LGBTQIA movement, it is seen on the same spectrum as the sexual immorality and gender issues discussed above, but it is not. It can still fall prey to the same issue of an idolatrous identity as some of the above issues, but it need not be so.
13: Glass Ceiling
In the event that God sees fit to bring people from these subgroups into our church, there would inevitably be a glass ceiling. The question is at what point. The four logical points are: regular attender, member, deacon, and elder. Regardless of their background or position, all should be welcome to be a regular attender. It is also clear, from the biblical requirements for eldership, that on-going problems or engagement in any of the sexual sins would disqualify them from that post. The middle two are less clear. I would submit that the bar for membership should be very low. This step, in my opinion, is when they would “bear the name of brother” and not before. Even if they disagree about the sinful nature of homosexuality, this should not disallow them from becoming members as long as they agree to submit to the churches position and not cause division. Allowing them to become members gives us the pastoral authority to speak into their lives, and we would hope that over time the Spirit would work in their hearts to convince them of the truth. Putting such a person in a deacon role would probably not be wise but would need to be evaluated prayerfully on a case-by-case basis. The difficulty here is that, while a position on homosexuality is not a salvific issue and should not be considered a core doctrine in the same way as the deity of Christ, for example, it is a sin issue. There is a limit to how far we can “agree to disagree” and still uphold our duty to root out sin in our midst. Once again, we should also distinguish between a struggle with same sex attraction and engagement in homosexual behavior when we consider our response. There is also a glass ceiling when it comes to marriage. While I believe we should not break up existing homosexual marriages, we should not participate in creating them. The marriage covenant between a man and woman was created, in part, to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph 5). This should not be co-opted to excuse or normalize immorality.
14: Nuance and Edge Cases
The above outline is by no means meant to be exhaustive or definitive. It is meant to provide a lens, supported by scripture, through which we can view these issues and consider corporate and pastoral responses. It should inform how we view the people that walk through the door from a wide range of backgrounds and how we equip those in our church to be Christ’s ambassadors to those in our community. Every person and circumstance, history and baggage will be different, and any non-nuanced position would be inherently evil. I pray we have many opportunities to talk, think and pray through specific situations that God would bless us with the chance to be a part of. What an honor it would be to be used to reach into broken lives like these with the Gospel of Grace.
15: Action Steps
As we consider practical and philosophical ways of responding to the above, I believe we should start from a position of corporate repentance. If we wish to truly reach out and touch the lives of broken people in need of a Savior who live a life of same sex attraction or gender dysphoria, we need to begin by recognizing that a great deal of harm, emotional and physical, has been inflicted on this group by the Church for generations. There are homeless people living in our area who were kicked out of their homes by parents holding a Bible. There are those who have been subjected to horrific methods that amount to torture under the guise of “Conversion Therapy” from Christian organizations. The only “conversion” we should concern ourselves with is to a regenerate heart. Attempting to change someone’s sexual attraction is very much beside the point. We cannot hope to be a place where such people can hear about Jesus unless they feel safe to enter our doors. We must also fight the tendency to consider sin in this area as something worse than others, even in non-Christians. James 2 says “…For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become guilty of all of it….So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” As we consider corporate and pastoral responses to the argument above, we must start by removing our own planks and repenting for the historical actions of the Church.
Practical steps that we could consider taking would include: removing the statements from the website about marriage and sexuality, especially directly under our Core Beliefs. Again, this is not meant to hide or equivocate on the truth, but not to set such a barrier before someone even walks through our door. Secondly, we should consider how to address these topics within the church. A Sunday morning sermon is not ideal as it is time limited and a unidirectional conversation. A small group course format would be a consideration. We need to equip parents and family members of adolescents, teens, and adults with language to talk about these things in loving, humble, God-honoring ways. In the longer term, we need to consider how we can make our church a place where people would feel comfortable inviting friends and family who look, think and act differently than we do. We need to find a way of projecting safety and inclusion even in our public facing information. This isn’t a balancing act where we must make it clear early and often that we “love the sinner but hate the sin” as the saying goes. We just need to love the sinner. Dealing with the sin can come later God-willing. A third application point is to be mindful of what we say and what we allow to be said without being checked. Certainly, joking at the expense of those who are dealing with these issues is unacceptable, but we also need to work to avoid getting dragged in to pseudo-political discussions on bathroom issues, sports issues or other divisive concerns that have no bearing on the church.
I recognize that these proposals have the potential to divide the church. There are some who may leave the body over these sorts of changes. I would argue that it is our responsibility to them as well as to the unreached in our community to have those discussions and risk some of them leaving over it. These are not all things we should change overnight but after ample opportunities for discussions and prayer.
16: Conclusion – Mark 2:15-17
At its core, these are not issues of who someone loves, sexual attraction, or even specific sex acts. The core is idolatry and identity. When acceptance by others, self-determination, or physical pleasure become the central force driving our lives then we have become idolators. Though our idols take on different shapes, the struggles in this space are shared by all. Whether you are identified by your profession, your family, or your gender identity, you are not being identified by your Master. Building fences around or within the church because someone sins in a different way than us cannot be allowed. Making the excuse that we are somehow “protecting our children” by shielding them from people in our community who desperately need a Savior will not show our children who Jesus is. Within the church, we cannot be afraid to “speak the truth in love.” We need not and cannot shy away from sin in the church, but we must recognize that the Spirit works in each of our lives. Often this happens over a period of time. We should be prepared to walk alongside our brothers and sisters in this journey for as long as they need.
There is a significant correlation between this community and their relationship with religious groups, and the “tax collectors and sinners” that Jesus sought out in His ministry and their relationship with the religious leaders of the day. Our heart should reflect His. Jesus responded: “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Mark 2:17) If our church was filled with transgender people and gay families that loved Jesus, God would be glorified.”
Thank you in advance for any constructive criticism, notes of encouragement to and or reading recommendations on these topics that I can pass along.

My car was sideswiped on the right side on May 7th. I was driving straight when the other Driver tried to merge into traffic after being stopped beside a yellow curb. Somehow the other Driver didn't see me as she went to pull forward and she hit my car hard enough to take her front bumper almost clean off (was still hanging just barely on the right side) and my right side passenger door will no longer open, giant gash all the way down the right side of my vehicle. I called the police, took photos of the scene (had to move my car because it was hindering traffic directly, cars were lining up), and gave a statement to the Officer. He checked both drivers for "suspected at fault" on the police report, but in his narrative, he clearly stated that the other driver "Unit 2" was determined to be at fault. This is where things started getting difficult..
Accident happened on Tuesday 5/7. I called the police immediately, my insurance, took photos, provided them to both insurance parties- everything I was supposed to do on day one. Meanwhile, two days go by before the at-fault driver makes contact with their insurance at all. I had called Wednesday and Thursday to find out if their insurance had heard anything from the driver- nothing. Finally, Friday 5/10, after I'd been called them early that morning and left a voicemail, their insurance calls me back around 5:00PM (you know, when everything's basically closing for the weekend.) I'm told by an agent assisting with my claim (not the agent who was handling it "directly") that there was nothing they could do because "The police report shows you to be at fault" (he was reading an ACCIDENT INFORMATION FORM and NOT a **POLICE REPORT**) and that he'd spoken to their insured driver "yesterday" about it. Well, awesome, they let a whole two days go by without telling me they'd heard from their insured while I'm having to cancel plans to pick up my Mother for Mother's day that weekend (she's 75 and I frequently drive 8 hour long trips to pick her up for family events. My passenger door again won't open and she can't ride in the backseats.) I managed to get in contact with the police department customer service line just before they closed for the weekend and they informed me that the **police report** hadn't even been completed yet, that it wouldn't be released until the following Monday lol. So, the genius who told me that they had a **police report** screwed up because they in fact **didn't have one yet**, and didn't know wtf documentation he was even looking at, which seems extremely unprofessional at best and in bad faith at worst. Either way, not good to tell me they have official documentation when they don't.
So, Monday morning rolls along, 5/13. I call in and get the **actual** police report from police customer service. It shows myself and the other driver "Unit 2" to be at fault, both of our names checked for "suspect at fault" but in the narrative it clearly states "Unit 2 determined to be at fault but not cited." I send this to their insurance. They call me the next day, Tuesday, and come at me with a double standard about the report. They claim that because the officer was not there, that they cannot go off of his narrative as proof... but they can take his word on the two checked boxes where I'm "suspect at fault" along with their insured lol? Okay.. well, the officer **also** wasn't there to attest to either of us being qualified as "suspect at fault" because he didn't see anything. This is ridiculous, and I understand it's how things go with insurance, but lol. It's a clear double standard: take one part of the evidence to your benefit and leave the other part out. They told me since there was no video footage, I was out of luck. When I asked the adjuster to provide me with any proof they'd been given and a written statement about what story they'd been given by their insured, the adjuster got really rude with me and hung up on me and wouldn't return my call back. So, I called my insurance agent (I had reported the accident to her initially but told her I would be going through the at-fault's insurance, she said that's fine and my premiums will remain the same) and I informed her of all this just to be honest and keep her updated. By this time, I was also waiting on the police to get in touch with me about getting my police report amended to remove the check box showing I was "suspect at fault".
From Tuesday 5/14 to Thursday 5/16, I spend days calling the police, trying to get in touch with the officer who responded to the scene, keep getting told I'll hear back from him or a sergeant, nope. I go to 4 different police precincts and 2 different courthouse buildings TRYING to figure out who the hell I can get to just amend the report for me, each location pointing me somewhere else... I eventually speak to a sergeant who informs me he'll get the police report amending process "expedited" (still haven't heard back from him lol) and he tells me I might need to request approval for the footage from the county sheriff........... SO, after realizing I was basically on my own, realizing that my only recourse was that surveillance footage, I just went straight to the location where the accident happened outside of by myself (it actually was outside one of the courthouses I went to for information...) and they fucking handed me over a disc with the surveillance footage the following morning, Friday 5/17. No police escort needed, no court order, no county sheriff..! The woman working the front desk happened to also be outside when the accident happened on May 7th, and she remembered me and knew exactly what I was there for! I sent this video footage to my insurance agent and she said she would send the video file to the other insurance party herself and try to get the ball rolling for me about getting all of this settled.
Thank you for anyone that has read this far. This is my first time dealing with this kind of thing and it's been more leg work than I expected. I don't mean to come off as blunt to anyone reading, just trying to handle this as assertively as I need to not get myself ripped off by anyone, as I thought this would be a very straight forward proceeding and thought that the other driver was very clealy liable. At this point, what should I do to proceed? Does the other insurance company sound like they dropped the ball a few times or am I being too brash in thinking this? They basically lied or didn't know what they were telling me about when they stated prematurely that they had a police report, and let me go on indefinitely with bad information that I had to figure out on my own wasn't true. They had an entire department from another state handling my claim in the beginning that apparently wasn't "legally allowed" to handle my claim because of whatever red-tape explanation they gave me, I cannot recall.. but more time wasted. I know insurance agents get swamped, I understand you all work very hard, but I felt pretty disregarded by at-fault's insurance when I was trying to seek answers about their reasoning. It is now Tuesday 5/21 and I have yet to hear from their insurance, their website still says I am liable for the accident, and there's absolutely no way lol. They have the video, they've had to have watched it by now, it absolves me of any liability plain as day. I feel like they are still collating this information and sitting on their hands. At what point should I press for escalation of this issue? Should I hire a pro bono lawyer? Or should I just relax? I feel like the adjuster hanging up on me and trying to move forward with no explanation provided and just writing me as liable isn't right. I'm also out of work now for the past two weeks (I do rideshare and also help take care of my father in-home hospice care with my sister.)
Any advice is appreciated. I'm not trying to gouge anyone or upset anything, I just want to get compensated correctly and get this over this. I am very confident in that I am not liable, I have photos and video to back this up. I am just wondering how should I be handling the at-fault's insurance from here on?

GOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING SUPERSTONKERS! HAHA. It's me again. Yeah, i slipped past the defenses again to drop this off so you can all refresh yourselves on the state of FUD and disinformation in this protracted fight against the legal larcenists doing their best to try and get you to sell. Please spread this amongst the holders, the more people know the less power they have over us holders. We don't sell until we get a call from marge, and that's always been the play.
TLDR: This is a set of tactics used by the Alphabet Boys(CIA, FBI, DEA) to control and manipulate us into drama to collapse our communities and movements. And should be read in full by anyone willing and wanting to learn how these things work.
I've come to notice recently, people keep asking me to repost this for the sake of keeping the new people abreast on what needs to be done to protect the holders of GME. Beneath here will be a detailed account on what you need to be aware of in your online interactions, to avoid being taken for a fool!
_______________________________________________________________________

1. COINTELPRO Techniques for dilution, misdirection and control of a internet forum
2. Twenty-Five Rules of Disinformation
3. Eight Traits of the Disinformationalist
4. How to Spot a Spy (Cointelpro Agent)
5. Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

_______________________________________________________________________
COINTELPRO Techniques for dilution, misdirection and control of a internet forum..
There are several techniques for the control and manipulation of a internet forum no matter what, or who is on it. We will go over each technique and demonstrate that only a minimal number of operatives can be used to eventually and effectively gain a control of a 'uncontrolled forum.'
Technique #1 - 'FORUM SLIDING'
If a very sensitive posting of a critical nature has been posted on a forum - it can be quickly removed from public view by 'forum sliding.' In this technique a number of unrelated posts are quietly prepositioned on the forum and allowed to 'age.' Each of these misdirectional forum postings can then be called upon at will to trigger a 'forum slide.' The second requirement is that several fake accounts exist, which can be called upon, to ensure that this technique is not exposed to the public. To trigger a 'forum slide' and 'flush' the critical post out of public view it is simply a matter of logging into each account both real and fake and then 'replying' to prepositioned postings with a simple 1 or 2 line comment. This brings the unrelated postings to the top of the forum list, and the critical posting 'slides' down the front page, and quickly out of public view. Although it is difficult or impossible to censor the posting it is now lost in a sea of unrelated and unuseful postings. By this means it becomes effective to keep the readers of the forum reading unrelated and non-issue items.
Technique #2 - 'CONSENSUS CRACKING'
A second highly effective technique (which you can see in operation all the time at www.abovetopsecret.com
) is 'consensus cracking.' To develop a consensus crack, the following technique is used. Under the guise of a fake account a posting is made which looks legitimate and is towards the truth is made - but the critical point is that it has a VERY WEAK PREMISE without substantive proof to back the posting. Once this is done then under alternative fake accounts a very strong position in your favor is slowly introduced over the life of the posting. It is IMPERATIVE that both sides are initially presented, so the uninformed reader cannot determine which side is the truth. As postings and replies are made the stronger 'evidence' or disinformation in your favor is slowly 'seeded in.' Thus the uninformed reader will most like develop the same position as you, and if their position is against you their opposition to your posting will be most likely dropped. However in some cases where the forum members are highly educated and can counter your disinformation with real facts and linked postings, you can then 'abort' the consensus cracking by initiating a 'forum slide.'
Technique #3 - 'TOPIC DILUTION'
Topic dilution is not only effective in forum sliding it is also very useful in keeping the forum readers on unrelated and non-productive issues. This is a critical and useful technique to cause a 'RESOURCE BURN.' By implementing continual and non-related postings that distract and disrupt (trolling ) the forum readers they are more effectively stopped from anything of any real productivity. If the intensity of gradual dilution is intense enough, the readers will effectively stop researching and simply slip into a 'gossip mode.' In this state they can be more easily misdirected away from facts towards uninformed conjecture and opinion. The less informed they are the more effective and easy it becomes to control the entire group in the direction that you would desire the group to go in. It must be stressed that a proper assessment of the psychological capabilities and levels of education is first determined of the group to determine at what level to 'drive in the wedge.' By being too far off topic too quickly it may trigger censorship by a forum moderator.
Technique #4 - 'INFORMATION COLLECTION'
Information collection is also a very effective method to determine the psychological level of the forum members, and to gather intelligence that can be used against them. In this technique in a light and positive environment a 'show you mine so me yours' posting is initiated. From the number of replies and the answers that are provided much statistical information can be gathered. An example is to post your 'favorite weapon' and then encourage other members of the forum to showcase what they have. In this matter it can be determined by reverse proration what percentage of the forum community owns a firearm, and or a illegal weapon. This same method can be used by posing as one of the form members and posting your favorite 'technique of operation.' From the replies various methods that the group utilizes can be studied and effective methods developed to stop them from their activities.
Technique #5 - 'ANGER TROLLING'
Statistically, there is always a percentage of the forum posters who are more inclined to violence. In order to determine who these individuals are, it is a requirement to present a image to the forum to deliberately incite a strong psychological reaction. From this the most violent in the group can be effectively singled out for reverse IP location and possibly local enforcement tracking. To accomplish this only requires posting a link to a video depicting a local police officer massively abusing his power against a very innocent individual. Statistically of the million or so police officers in America there is always one or two being caught abusing there powers and the taping of the activity can be then used for intelligence gathering purposes - without the requirement to 'stage' a fake abuse video. This method is extremely effective, and the more so the more abusive the video can be made to look. Sometimes it is useful to 'lead' the forum by replying to your own posting with your own statement of violent intent, and that you 'do not care what the authorities think!!' inflammation. By doing this and showing no fear it may be more effective in getting the more silent and self-disciplined violent intent members of the forum to slip and post their real intentions. This can be used later in a court of law during prosecution.
Technique #6 - 'GAINING FULL CONTROL'
It is important to also be harvesting and continually maneuvering for a forum moderator position. Once this position is obtained, the forum can then be effectively and quietly controlled by deleting unfavourable postings - and one can eventually steer the forum into complete failure and lack of interest by the general public. This is the 'ultimate victory' as the forum is no longer participated with by the general public and no longer useful in maintaining their freedoms. Depending on the level of control you can obtain, you can deliberately steer a forum into defeat by censoring postings, deleting memberships, flooding, and or accidentally taking the forum offline. By this method the forum can be quickly killed. However it is not always in the interest to kill a forum as it can be converted into a 'honey pot' gathering center to collect and misdirect newcomers and from this point be completely used for your control for your agenda purposes.
CONCLUSION
Remember these techniques are only effective if the forum participants DO NOT KNOW ABOUT THEM. Once they are aware of these techniques the operation can completely fail, and the forum can become uncontrolled. At this point other avenues must be considered such as initiating a false legal precidence to simply have the forum shut down and taken offline. This is not desirable as it then leaves the enforcement agencies unable to track the percentage of those in the population who always resist attempts for control against them. Many other techniques can be utilized and developed by the individual and as you develop further techniques of infiltration and control it is imperative to share then with HQ.
_______________________________________________________________________
Twenty-Five Rules of Disinformation
Note: The first rule and last five (or six, depending on situation) rules are generally not directly within the ability of the traditional disinfo artist to apply. These rules are generally used more directly by those at the leadership, key players, or planning level of the criminal conspiracy or conspiracy to cover up.
1. Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. Regardless of what you know, don't discuss it -- especially if you are a public figure, news anchor, etc. If it's not reported, it didn't happen, and you never have to deal with the issues.
2. Become incredulous and indignant. Avoid discussing key issues and instead focus on side issues which can be used show the topic as being critical of some otherwise sacrosanct group or theme. This is also known as the 'How dare you!' gambit.
3. Create rumor mongers. Avoid discussing issues by describing all charges, regardless of venue or evidence, as mere rumors and wild accusations. Other derogatory terms mutually exclusive of truth may work as well. This method which works especially well with a silent press, because the only way the public can learn of the facts are through such 'arguable rumors'. If you can associate the material with the Internet, use this fact to certify it a 'wild rumor' from a 'bunch of kids on the Internet' which can have no basis in fact.
4. Use a straw man. Find or create a seeming element of your opponent's argument which you can easily knock down to make yourself look good and the opponent to look bad. Either make up an issue you may safely imply exists based on your interpretation of the opponent/opponent arguments/situation, or select the weakest aspect of the weakest charges. Amplify their significance and destroy them in a way which appears to debunk all the charges, real and fabricated alike, while actually avoiding discussion of the real issues.
5. Sidetrack opponents with name calling and ridicule. This is also known as the primary 'attack the messenger' ploy, though other methods qualify as variants of that approach. Associate opponents with unpopular titles such as 'kooks', 'right-wing', 'liberal', 'left-wing', 'terrorists', 'conspiracy buffs', 'radicals', 'militia', 'racists', 'religious fanatics', 'sexual deviates', and so forth. This makes others shrink from support out of fear of gaining the same label, and you avoid dealing with issues.
6. Hit and Run. In any public forum, make a brief attack of your opponent or the opponent position and then scamper off before an answer can be fielded, or simply ignore any answer. This works extremely well in Internet and letters-to-the-editor environments where a steady stream of new identities can be called upon without having to explain criticism, reasoning -- simply make an accusation or other attack, never discussing issues, and never answering any subsequent response, for that would dignify the opponent's viewpoint.
7. Question motives. Twist or amplify any fact which could be taken to imply that the opponent operates out of a hidden personal agenda or other bias. This avoids discussing issues and forces the accuser on the defensive.
8. Invoke authority. Claim for yourself or associate yourself with authority and present your argument with enough 'jargon' and 'minutia' to illustrate you are 'one who knows', and simply say it isn't so without discussing issues or demonstrating concretely why or citing sources.
9. Play Dumb. No matter what evidence or logical argument is offered, avoid discussing issues except with denials they have any credibility, make any sense, provide any proof, contain or make a point, have logic, or support a conclusion. Mix well for maximum effect.
10. Associate opponent charges with old news. A derivative of the straw man -- usually, in any large-scale matter of high visibility, someone will make charges early on which can be or were already easily dealt with - a kind of investment for the future should the matter not be so easily contained.) Where it can be foreseen, have your own side raise a straw man issue and have it dealt with early on as part of the initial contingency plans. Subsequent charges, regardless of validity or new ground uncovered, can usually then be associated with the original charge and dismissed as simply being a rehash without need to address current issues -- so much the better where the opponent is or was involved with the original source.
11. Establish and rely upon fall-back positions. Using a minor matter or element of the facts, take the 'high road' and 'confess' with candor that some innocent mistake, in hindsight, was made -- but that opponents have seized on the opportunity to blow it all out of proportion and imply greater criminalities which, 'just isn't so.' Others can reinforce this on your behalf, later, and even publicly 'call for an end to the nonsense' because you have already 'done the right thing.' Done properly, this can garner sympathy and respect for 'coming clean' and 'owning up' to your mistakes without addressing more serious issues.
12. Enigmas have no solution. Drawing upon the overall umbrella of events surrounding the crime and the multitude of players and events, paint the entire affair as too complex to solve. This causes those otherwise following the matter to begin to lose interest more quickly without having to address the actual issues.
13. Alice in Wonderland Logic. Avoid discussion of the issues by reasoning backwards or with an apparent deductive logic which forbears any actual material fact.
14. Demand complete solutions. Avoid the issues by requiring opponents to solve the crime at hand completely, a ploy which works best with issues qualifying for rule 10.
15. Fit the facts to alternate conclusions. This requires creative thinking unless the crime was planned with contingency conclusions in place.
16. Vanish evidence and witnesses. If it does not exist, it is not fact, and you won't have to address the issue.
17. Change the subject. Usually in connection with one of the other ploys listed here, find a way to side-track the discussion with abrasive or controversial comments in hopes of turning attention to a new, more manageable topic. This works especially well with companions who can 'argue' with you over the new topic and polarize the discussion arena in order to avoid discussing more key issues.
18. Emotionalize, Antagonize, and Goad Opponents. If you can't do anything else, chide and taunt your opponents and draw them into emotional responses which will tend to make them look foolish and overly motivated, and generally render their material somewhat less coherent. Not only will you avoid discussing the issues in the first instance, but even if their emotional response addresses the issue, you can further avoid the issues by then focusing on how 'sensitive they are to criticism.'
19. Ignore proof presented, demand impossible proofs. This is perhaps a variant of the 'play dumb' rule. Regardless of what material may be presented by an opponent in public forums, claim the material irrelevant and demand proof that is impossible for the opponent to come by (it may exist, but not be at his disposal, or it may be something which is known to be safely destroyed or withheld, such as a murder weapon.) In order to completely avoid discussing issues, it may be required that you to categorically deny and be critical of media or books as valid sources, deny that witnesses are acceptable, or even deny that statements made by government or other authorities have any meaning or relevance.
20. False evidence. Whenever possible, introduce new facts or clues designed and manufactured to conflict with opponent presentations -- as useful tools to neutralize sensitive issues or impede resolution. This works best when the crime was designed with contingencies for the purpose, and the facts cannot be easily separated from the fabrications.
21. Call a Grand Jury, Special Prosecutor, or other empowered investigative body. Subvert the (process) to your benefit and effectively neutralize all sensitive issues without open discussion. Once convened, the evidence and testimony are required to be secret when properly handled. For instance, if you own the prosecuting attorney, it can insure a Grand Jury hears no useful evidence and that the evidence is sealed and unavailable to subsequent investigators. Once a favorable verdict is achieved, the matter can be considered officially closed. Usually, this technique is applied to find the guilty innocent, but it can also be used to obtain charges when seeking to frame a victim.
22. Manufacture a new truth. Create your own expert(s), group(s), author(s), leader(s) or influence existing ones willing to forge new ground via scientific, investigative, or social research or testimony which concludes favorably. In this way, if you must actually address issues, you can do so authoritatively.
23. Create bigger distractions. If the above does not seem to be working to distract from sensitive issues, or to prevent unwanted media coverage of unstoppable events such as trials, create bigger news stories (or treat them as such) to distract the multitudes.
24. Silence critics. If the above methods do not prevail, consider removing opponents from circulation by some definitive solution so that the need to address issues is removed entirely. This can be by their death, arrest and detention, blackmail or destruction of their character by release of blackmail information, or merely by destroying them financially, emotionally, or severely damaging their health.
25. Vanish. If you are a key holder of secrets or otherwise overly illuminated and you think the heat is getting too hot, to avoid the issues, vacate the kitchen.
_______________________________________________________________________
Eight Traits of the Disinformationalist
1) Avoidance. They never actually discuss issues head-on or provide constructive input, generally avoiding citation of references or credentials. Rather, they merely imply this, that, and the other. Virtually everything about their presentation implies their authority and expert knowledge in the matter without any further justification for credibility.
2) Selectivity. They tend to pick and choose opponents carefully, either applying the hit-and-run approach against mere commentators supportive of opponents, or focusing heavier attacks on key opponents who are known to directly address issues. Should a commentator become argumentative with any success, the focus will shift to include the commentator as well.
3) Coincidental. They tend to surface suddenly and somewhat coincidentally with a new controversial topic with no clear prior record of participation in general discussions in the particular public arena involved. They likewise tend to vanish once the topic is no longer of general concern. They were likely directed or elected to be there for a reason, and vanish with the reason.
4) Teamwork. They tend to operate in self-congratulatory and complementary packs or teams. Of course, this can happen naturally in any public forum, but there will likely be an ongoing pattern of frequent exchanges of this sort where professionals are involved. Sometimes one of the players will infiltrate the opponent camp to become a source for straw man or other tactics designed to dilute opponent presentation strength.
5) Anti-conspiratorial. They almost always have disdain for 'conspiracy theorists' and, usually, for those who in any way believe JFK was not killed by LHO. Ask yourself why, if they hold such disdain for conspiracy theorists, do they focus on defending a single topic discussed in a NG focusing on conspiracies? One might think they would either be trying to make fools of everyone on every topic, or simply ignore the group they hold in such disdain. Or, one might more rightly conclude they have an ulterior motive for their actions in going out of their way to focus as they do.
6) Artificial Emotions. An odd kind of 'artificial' emotionalism and an unusually thick skin -- an ability to persevere and persist even in the face of overwhelming criticism and unacceptance. This likely stems from intelligence community training that, no matter how condemning the evidence, deny everything, and never become emotionally involved or reactive. The net result for a disinfo artist is that emotions can seem artificial.
Most people, if responding in anger, for instance, will express their animosity throughout their rebuttal. But disinfo types usually have trouble maintaining the 'image' and are hot and cold with respect to pretended emotions and their usually more calm or unemotional communications style. It's just a job, and they often seem unable to 'act their role in character' as well in a communications medium as they might be able in a real face-to-face conversation/confrontation. You might have outright rage and indignation one moment, ho-hum the next, and more anger later -- an emotional yo-yo.
With respect to being thick-skinned, no amount of criticism will deter them from doing their job, and they will generally continue their old disinfo patterns without any adjustments to criticisms of how obvious it is that they play that game -- where a more rational individual who truly cares what others think might seek to improve their communications style, substance, and so forth, or simply give up.
7) Inconsistent. There is also a tendency to make mistakes which betray their true self/motives. This may stem from not really knowing their topic, or it may be somewhat 'freudian', so to speak, in that perhaps they really root for the side of truth deep within.
I have noted that often, they will simply cite contradictory information which neutralizes itself and the author. For instance, one such player claimed to be a Navy pilot, but blamed his poor communicating skills (spelling, grammar, incoherent style) on having only a grade-school education. I'm not aware of too many Navy pilots who don't have a college degree. Another claimed no knowledge of a particular topic/situation but later claimed first-hand knowledge of it.
8) Time Constant. Recently discovered, with respect to News Groups, is the response time factor. There are three ways this can be seen to work, especially when the government or other empowered player is involved in a cover up operation:
a) ANY NG posting by a targeted proponent for truth can result in an IMMEDIATE response. The government and other empowered players can afford to pay people to sit there and watch for an opportunity to do some damage. SINCE DISINFO IN A NG ONLY WORKS IF THE READER SEES IT - FAST RESPONSE IS CALLED FOR, or the visitor may be swayed towards truth.
b) When dealing in more direct ways with a disinformationalist, such as email, DELAY IS CALLED FOR - there will usually be a minimum of a 48-72 hour delay. This allows a sit-down team discussion on response strategy for best effect, and even enough time to 'get permission' or instruction from a formal chain of command.
c) In the NG example 1) above, it will often ALSO be seen that bigger guns are drawn and fired after the same 48-72 hours delay - the team approach in play. This is especially true when the targeted truth seeker or their comments are considered more important with respect to potential to reveal truth. Thus, a serious truth sayer will be attacked twice for the same sin.
_______________________________________________________________________
How to Spot a Spy (Cointelpro Agent)
One way to neutralize a potential activist is to get them to be in a group that does all the wrong things. Why?
1) The message doesn't get out.
2) A lot of time is wasted
3) The activist is frustrated and discouraged
4) Nothing good is accomplished.
FBI and Police Informers and Infiltrators will infest any group and they have phoney activist organizations established.
Their purpose is to prevent any real movement for justice or eco-peace from developing in this country.
Agents come in small, medium or large. They can be of any ethnic background. They can be male or female.
The actual size of the group or movement being infiltrated is irrelevant. It is the potential the movement has for becoming large which brings on the spies and saboteurs.
This booklet lists tactics agents use to slow things down, foul things up, destroy the movement and keep tabs on activists.
It is the agent's job to keep the activist from quitting such a group, thus keeping him/her under control.
In some situations, to get control, the agent will tell the activist:

• "You're dividing the movement."

[Here, I have added the psychological reasons as to WHY this maneuver works to control people]
This invites guilty feelings. Many people can be controlled by guilt. The agents begin relationships with activists behind a well-developed mask of "dedication to the cause." Because of their often declared dedication, (and actions designed to prove this), when they criticize the activist, he or she - being truly dedicated to the movement - becomes convinced that somehow, any issues are THEIR fault. This is because a truly dedicated person tends to believe that everyone has a conscience and that nobody would dissimulate and lie like that "on purpose." It's amazing how far agents can go in manipulating an activist because the activist will constantly make excuses for the agent who regularly declares their dedication to the cause. Even if they do, occasionally, suspect the agent, they will pull the wool over their own eyes by rationalizing: "they did that unconsciously... they didn't really mean it... I can help them by being forgiving and accepting " and so on and so forth.
The agent will tell the activist:

• "You're a leader!"

This is designed to enhance the activist's self-esteem. His or her narcissistic admiration of his/her own activist/altruistic intentions increase as he or she identifies with and consciously admires the altruistic declarations of the agent which are deliberately set up to mirror those of the activist.
This is "malignant pseudo identification." It is the process by which the agent consciously imitates or simulates a certain behavior to foster the activist's identification with him/her, thus increasing the activist's vulnerability to exploitation. The agent will simulate the more subtle self-concepts of the activist.
Activists and those who have altruistic self-concepts are most vulnerable to malignant pseudo identification especially during work with the agent when the interaction includes matter relating to their competency, autonomy, or knowledge.
The goal of the agent is to increase the activist's general empathy for the agent through pseudo-identification with the activist's self-concepts.
The most common example of this is the agent who will compliment the activist for his competency or knowledge or value to the movement. On a more subtle level, the agent will simulate affects and mannerisms of the activist which promotes identification via mirroring and feelings of "twinship". It is not unheard of for activists, enamored by the perceived helpfulness and competence of a good agent, to find themselves considering ethical violations and perhaps, even illegal behavior, in the service of their agent/handler.
The activist's "felt quality of perfection" [self-concept] is enhanced, and a strong empathic bond is developed with the agent through his/her imitation and simulation of the victim's own narcissistic investments. [self-concepts] That is, if the activist knows, deep inside, their own dedication to the cause, they will project that onto the agent who is "mirroring" them.
The activist will be deluded into thinking that the agent shares this feeling of identification and bonding. In an activist/social movement setting, the adversarial roles that activists naturally play vis a vis the establishment/government, fosters ongoing processes of intrapsychic splitting so that "twinship alliances" between activist and agent may render whole sectors or reality testing unavailable to the activist. They literally "lose touch with reality."
Activists who deny their own narcissistic investments [do not have a good idea of their own self-concepts and that they ARE concepts] and consciously perceive themselves (accurately, as it were) to be "helpers" endowed with a special amount of altruism are exceedingly vulnerable to the affective (emotional) simulation of the accomplished agent.
Empathy is fostered in the activist through the expression of quite visible affects. The presentation of tearfulness, sadness, longing, fear, remorse, and guilt, may induce in the helper-oriented activist a strong sense of compassion, while unconsciously enhancing the activist's narcissistic investment in self as the embodiment of goodness.
The agent's expresssion of such simulated affects may be quite compelling to the observer and difficult to distinguish from deep emotion.
It can usually be identified by two events, however:
First, the activist who has analyzed his/her own narcissistic roots and is aware of his/her own potential for being "emotionally hooked," will be able to remain cool and unaffected by such emotional outpourings by the agent.
As a result of this unaffected, cool, attitude, the Second event will occur: The agent will recompensate much too quickly following such an affective expression leaving the activist with the impression that "the play has ended, the curtain has fallen," and the imposture, for the moment, has finished. The agent will then move quickly to another activist/victim.
The fact is, the movement doesn't need leaders, it needs MOVERS. "Follow the leader" is a waste of time.
A good agent will want to meet as often as possible. He or she will talk a lot and say little. One can expect an onslaught of long, unresolved discussions.
Some agents take on a pushy, arrogant, or defensive manner:
1) To disrupt the agenda
2) To side-track the discussion
3) To interrupt repeatedly
4) To feign ignorance
5) To make an unfounded accusation against a person.
Calling someone a racist, for example. This tactic is used to discredit a person in the eyes of all other group members.
Saboteurs
Some saboteurs pretend to be activists. She or he will ....
1) Write encyclopedic flyers (in the present day, websites)
2) Print flyers in English only.
3) Have demonstrations in places where no one cares.
4) Solicit funding from rich people instead of grass roots support
5) Display banners with too many words that are confusing.
6) Confuse issues.
7) Make the wrong demands.
8) Compromise the goal.
9) Have endless discussions that waste everyone's time. The agent may accompany the endless discussions with drinking, pot smoking or other amusement to slow down the activist's work.
Provocateurs
1) Want to establish "leaders" to set them up for a fall in order to stop the movement.
2) Suggest doing foolish, illegal things to get the activists in trouble.
3) Encourage militancy.
4) Want to taunt the authorities.
5) Attempt to make the activist compromise their values.
6) Attempt to instigate violence. Activism ought to always be non-violent.
7) Attempt to provoke revolt among people who are ill-prepared to deal with the reaction of the authorities to such violence.
Informants
1) Want everyone to sign up and sing in and sign everything.
2) Ask a lot of questions (gathering data).
3) Want to know what events the activist is planning to attend.
4) Attempt to make the activist defend him or herself to identify his or her beliefs, goals, and level of commitment.
Recruiting
Legitimate activists do not subject people to hours of persuasive dialog. Their actions, beliefs, and goals speak for themselves.
Groups that DO recruit are missionaries, military, and fake political parties or movements set up by agents.
Surveillance
ALWAYS assume that you are under surveillance.
At this point, if you are NOT under surveillance, you are not a very good activist!
Scare Tactics
They use them.
Such tactics include slander, defamation, threats, getting close to disaffected or minimally committed fellow activists to persuade them (via psychological tactics described above) to turn against the movement and give false testimony against their former compatriots. They will plant illegal substances on the activist and set up an arrest; they will plant false information and set up "exposure," they will send incriminating letters [emails] in the name of the activist; and more; they will do whatever society will allow.
This booklet in no way covers all the ways agents use to sabotage the lives of sincere an dedicated activists.
If an agent is "exposed," he or she will be transferred or replaced.
COINTELPRO is still in operation today under a different code name. It is no longer placed on paper where it can be discovered through the freedom of information act.
The FBI counterintelligence program's stated purpose: To expose, disrupt, misdirect, discredit, and otherwise neutralize individuals who the FBI categorize as opposed to the National Interests. "National Security" means the FBI's security from the people ever finding out the vicious things it does in violation of people's civil liberties.
_______________________________________________________________________
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression
Strong, credible allegations of high-level criminal activity can bring down a government. When the government lacks an effective, fact-based defense, other techniques must be employed. The success of these techniques depends heavily upon a cooperative, compliant press and a mere token opposition party.
1. Dummy up. If it's not reported, if it's not news, it didn't happen.
2. Wax indignant. This is also known as the "How dare you?" gambit.
3. Characterize the charges as "rumors" or, better yet, "wild rumors." If, in spite of the news blackout, the public is still able to learn about the suspicious facts, it can only be through "rumors." (If they tend to believe the "rumors" it must be because they are simply "paranoid" or "hysterical.")
4. Knock down straw men. Deal only with the weakest aspects of the weakest charges. Even better, create your own straw men. Make up wild rumors (or plant false stories) and give them lead play when you appear to debunk all the charges, real and fanciful alike.
5. Call the skeptics names like "conspiracy theorist," "nutcase," "ranter," "kook," "crackpot," and, of course, "rumor monger." Be sure, too, to use heavily loaded verbs and adjectives when characterizing their charges and defending the "more reasonable" government and its defenders. You must then carefully avoid fair and open debate with any of the people you have thus maligned. For insurance, set up your own "skeptics" to shoot down.
6. Impugn motives. Attempt to marginalize the critics by suggesting strongly that they are not really interested in the truth but are simply pursuing a partisan political agenda or are out to make money (compared to over-compensated adherents to the government line who, presumably, are not).
7. Invoke authority. Here the controlled press and the sham opposition can be very useful.
8. Dismiss the charges as "old news."
9. Come half-clean. This is also known as "confession and avoidance" or "taking the limited hangout route." This way, you create the impression of candor and honesty while you admit only to relatively harmless, less-than-criminal "mistakes." This stratagem often requires the embrace of a fall-back position quite different from the one originally taken. With effective damage control, the fall-back position need only be peddled by stooge skeptics to carefully limited markets.
10. Characterize the crimes as impossibly complex and the truth as ultimately unknowable.
11. Reason backward, using the deductive method with a vengeance. With thoroughly rigorous deduction, troublesome evidence is irrelevant. E.g. We have a completely free press. If evidence exists that the Vince Foster "suicide" note was forged, they would have reported it. They haven't reported it so there is no such evidence. Another variation on this theme involves the likelihood of a conspiracy leaker and a press who would report the leak.
12. Require the skeptics to solve the crime completely. E.g. If Foster was murdered, who did it and why?
13. Change the subject. This technique includes creating and/or publicizing distractions.
14. Lightly report incriminating facts, and then make nothing of them. This is sometimes referred to as "bump and run" reporting.
15. Baldly and brazenly lie. A favorite way of doing this is to attribute the "facts" furnished the public to a plausible-sounding, but anonymous, source.
16. Expanding further on numbers 4 and 5, have your own stooges "expose" scandals and champion popular causes. Their job is to pre-empt real opponents and to play 99-yard football. A variation is to pay rich people for the job who will pretend to spend their own money.
17. Flood the Internet with agents. This is the answer to the question, "What could possibly motivate a person to spend hour upon hour on Internet news groups defending the government and/or the press and harassing genuine critics?" Don t the authorities have defenders enough in all the newspapers, magazines, radio, and television? One would think refusing to print critical letters and screening out serious callers or dumping them from radio talk shows would be control enough, but, obviously, it is not.

## /MementoMoriGacha Weekly Discussion Thread
Welcome to MementoMoriGacha weekly questions megathread! This thread should be used for general questions such as:

• Team composition and team building advice
• Understanding game mechanics and events
• Should I pull?
• How does the gacha work?
• What do abbreviations mean?

As this is still a fledgling community, there will be no mandate that all questions must be posted in this megathread, so feel free to submit any questions as their own post (please use the "Question" link flair). Also, everyone is welcome to join the unofficial discord server for MementoMori, linked below, which is another avenue for asking questions and getting advice.
Be respectful of other users and follow Reddiquette. Please do not downvote people for asking common questions. Discussion here should be limited to the scope of MementoMori, but off-topic discussion is allowed as long as it remains civil and friendly.
If you have suggestions for improving this subreddit, or need help setting up a user flair, please message the mods through modmail!
Unofficial discord - https://discord.gg/mmUPtSqWP5

Before getting into the Photos app, it would be best to explain how computers typically delete data. The way deletion works is that the data is simply unallocated and unindexed in storage. While the content disappears from the user in the OS, it is still technically written in storage until some other data overwrites it down the road. Now since the data and filesystem is encrypted with the on-device encryption key, the only way the content can come back is if the OS can decrypt the data stored.
With 17.5.1, an explanation given for photos coming back is "database corruption". "Database corruption" makes sense in this context because people who have been using the same device for a long while have the same on-device encryption key. Whenever there are significant changes to first party apps, there's database upgrades that happen in the background to ensure the content remains, and updating to 17.5 likely caused a bug where it reindexed and reallocated the deleted photos because they hadn't been overwritten on storage (and were written to storage with the same encryption).
As for the photos coming back after erasing the device and giving it to someone else, something needs to be cleared up: as far as I've seen, there has only been one reported instance of this happening, by one user on reddit, not more. People love playing a game of telephone but this does nothing but stir things beyond the facts. This is still a serious problem, but stretching it beyond the facts just spins up a lot of nonsensical conspiracy theories and nothing useful comes out of it. I also can't find the original comment as it seems they deleted it.
Now, assuming that this single claim was legitimate in the first place, the only plausible explanation is when the device was restored/erased, the on-device encryption key changed and became the exact same key, or it never changed during the restore process (which is a serious problem if it is true). Combine this with the bug in the Photos app specifically, it likely managed to reindex and reallocate the deleted photos because of the key remaining the same, thus the content being legible.
Now this is all from my own understanding of how it all works, and could very well not be fully accurate, it's just the most logical explanation for why any of this is possible without giving any conspiracies the spotlight. Hopefully it all makes sense.

1. Courtesans and the Crown: I will be playing M! I am also open to potentially playing a MxM version. (1530s) Benjamin, the illegitimate son of a King, lives a life of luxury without any of the consequences that come with royal blood. He indulges in fine clothing, gambling and is a frequent patron of brothels. At sixteen, he met a courtesan named Antonia, who was five years his senior. Unlike the other women he had encountered, Antonia was beautiful, kind, and captured his heart. While they both share a deep love for each other, they face their own challenges. Benjamin is still learning the ways of the court at the age of eighteen, while Antonia holds a great deal of influence over him due to her life experience. From encouraging him to invite her to tea to spite his royal parentage and even convincing him to petition for legitimation to take his sister's throne, she is ready to shake things up, disguising their power-hungry nature as love. What started as a quiet and humble relationship has now turned them into vicious antagonists towards themselves and others, but their love for each other remains strong. Even though the character's name is Antonia, feel free to create your own character with a courtesan theme. I even encourage it!!!
2. Our Father, who art in Heaven: I can play M or F! (1450s) Through a combination of extortion, torture, and occasional bribery, Pope Castello has ascended to the Papal throne. Despite his vow of celibacy, his illegitimate offspring roam freely in the town, behaving as though they were the offspring of a monarch. His son, in particular, plowing through any woman with a pulse, loses vast sums of money gambling, and harbors his own dark secrets. Meanwhile, his father strives to elevate him to the rank of cardinal. However, what will happen when his son encounters the same fate as his father? Will he fall in love with a noblewoman and violate his church oath? This woman has her own secrets and a father who is eager to marry her off to the wealthiest suitor available. The resulting whirlwind will leave blood on the floor and lipstick stains on collars, reminiscent of The Borgias, but without the incestuous undertones.
3. Of course, Your Majesty: I will be playing M! (1500s) Your protagonist is the eldest child of a powerful monarch, destined to become the next Queen. During her childhood, she formed a close bond with the son of a Lord who was a bit older than her. As they grew up, their feelings for each other became more than just friendship, prompting them to explore a romantic relationship. However, it is the heavily religious 1500s, and fearing that their relationship would compromise her purity and jeopardize her chances of marrying another royal, the Lord's son was sent away to a chateau. Despite the distance, they kept in touch through letters and other means. But, a dramatic shift in the court's dynamics has brought him back, much to the chagrin of your character's father. He is willing to disrupt the status quo for the sake of love and occasionally for his own gain.
4. The Lost Princess: I will be playing F! (1480s-1520s) Princess Margery was adored by her subjects and set to ascend the throne one day. However, her fate changed drastically when, at the tender age of four, her carriage was attacked by bandits. In a desperate bid to survive, Margery pretended to be dead in the frigid snow of the forest. She wasn't certain what happened next, but she eventually found herself in the care of two kind-hearted parents who renamed her Elizabeth and raised her as their own daughter. As Elizabeth came of age, she began searching for potential suitors. But what happens when a young man uncovers her true identity? How does she make her way back to the castle, and what challenges await her upon her return? Most importantly, where do you fit into this tangled web of intrigue and deception?
5. For Our Kingdoms: I am open to playing M or F! (1530s) An arranged marriage between a prince and princess from neighboring kingdoms looms on the horizon. Is she a timid princess, suddenly thrust into the role of heir apparent, seeking a partner to bolster her claim to the throne? Or is she merely a commodity being sold off to the highest bidder? Regardless, what happens when two royals who are less-than-enthusiastic about the arrangement are forced to wed for the betterment of their kingdoms? With an unkind and brash prince making every quip in the book as he rises to the throne, she must find a way to make her marriage work. Will they find common ground, or will they be at each other's throats? Only time will tell.
6. Shadow in Stage Lights:I will be playing M! I am also open to potentially playing a MxM version. (Post-WWII 1940s) In the smoky haze of post-war Hollywood, where dreams are traded like currency and the past casts long shadows, Jack Turner returns from the frontlines of battle a shattered man. Once hailed as a literary luminary, he now struggles to find his place in a world that has moved on without him, haunted by memories he can neither escape nor forget. Enter your character, a radiant starlet whose ascent to fame is as swift as it is dazzling. Cast as the lead in Jack's latest play, she embodies the very essence of the character he once envisioned, igniting the stage with a brilliance that eclipses his own. But as the spotlight shines ever brighter on YC, Jack finds himself consumed by a bitter resentment, his heart seething with anger at the injustice of it all. In a world where shadows lurk behind every smile and fame is but a fleeting illusion, Jack and YC must navigate the treacherous waters of love and ambition, forging a path forward that leads them out of the darkness and into the light.
7. The West was Wilder: I will be playing M or F! (1830s) A young man is a moonshiner and owner of a notorious saloon in a small frontier town. With a reputation for brewing the finest illegal whiskey in the region, he walks a fine line between outlaw and respected member of the community. Meanwhile, a young lass is new to town and is seeking change. She has a tough exterior, but there is a vulnerability that draws folks in. As their paths cross in the dusty streets and dimly lit saloons of the Wild West, sparks fly between them. Whether it's a fiery confrontation over a poker game gone wrong or a chance encounter in the dead of night, their chemistry is undeniable. But with danger lurking around every corner and secrets waiting to be uncovered, their burgeoning romance is anything but smooth sailing.
8. Underneath the Bald Cypress: I will be playing F! (1930s) Amidst the sultry streets of New Orleans, the daughter of a wealthy sugar cane baron, finds herself torn between societal expectations and her own desires. Engaged to a controlling man of her father’s choosing, she longs for true love. Her path collides with your character, a jazz singer, a man of color, or something else entirely, sparking a forbidden romance that defies family secrets. As their love blossoms amidst the city's vibrant nightlife, she must choose between the safety of convention and the allure of a life filled with passion and uncertainty, where forbidden love and hidden truths threaten to unravel the world she knows.
9. Revolution or Run: I will be playing F! (Fallout Fandom) In Vault 47, life appears idyllic, with its inhabitants blissfully unaware of the horrors unfolding beneath the sterile corridors. Your character, recently assigned to a coveted scientist position, stumbles upon a hidden lab deep within the vault, where ghastly experiments are conducted on unsuspecting fellow dwellers. Amidst it all, your character finds help in a resourceful maintenance worker with a knack for uncovering secrets. With the weight of responsibility heavy on their shoulders, they must navigate a treacherous path, torn between loyalty to their community and the pursuit of justice.As tensions escalate within the vault, they must decide whether to ignite the flames of rebellion from within or to venture into the unforgiving wasteland beyond the vault's walls.
Linked here is my writing sample and lore explanation.
I am also open to sending a master list of my current OCs with their vague descriptions!
When you DM me, please send me the answers to these questions!

1. What is your name and pronouns?
2. What RP are you interested in?
3. Are you comfortable playing on Discord?
4. What gender are you interested in playing? (for scenarios 2, 5, and 7 only!)
5. What are your hard boundaries for writing? (i.e. unwilling to write gore/abuse/etc)
6. What is your biggest roleplay pet peeve?
7. What is your paragraph min/max?
8. What is the most important thing to you in RP?
9. Are time zones important to you? If so, what is yours?
10. Is ooc essential to you?
11. Are you okay with a fade-to-black romance style?
12. What is your typical romance speed? Slow/Medium/Fast Burn?

I will answer these questions back! Thanks for reading!

Part Two: The Solitude of This Fire
Chapter 6
Location: Hust Forge. Hust Henarald's conference room
POV: Kellaras
After making Kellaras wait some days, Hust Henarald finally grants him an audience and says "One day, I will be a child again". These words seem to be nonsense to Kellaras. While waiting for his audience he noticed the Hust Forge never stops working. Henarald goes on to say we all war with two parts of ourselves and both make weapons from anything at hand. Henarald asks Kellaras if Anomander simply wants a sword or to join the Hust Legion. He doesn't think Urusander's Legion would like that very much. Kellaras says he knows the request of a sword is unusual at this time. Henarald responds by saying others will see it as political. Perhaps even a secret allegiance. Kellaras is put off balance by Henarald's pragmatic responses and then shifting into ending each with "One day I will be a child again." Henarald asks for specs and Kellaras says Anomander wants the sword to be silent. Henarald responds by asking if he would prefer a gagged weapon and if Anomander will hide it's origin. Kellaras tells Henarald that Anomander wants his swords spine to be quenched in the purity of Darkness itself. Henarald muses on power and says those with the most power have the greatest fear and that means power is meaningless and delusional. Kellaras counters that the Forulkan would have enslaved the Tiste with their power had they won, but they lost to the power of the Tiste. Henarald responds, "A triumph in solitude makes a hollow sound, and to every glory proclaimed the heavens make no answer".
Kellaras reiterates that his master requests a sword. Henarald responds "To take the blood of Darkness". Kellaras is surprised by this as Mother Dark is not Azathanai. Henarald asks how she feeds her power and if now that Anomander knows the secret of House Hust if he will use it for political gain. Kellaras says his Lord is the ultimate secret keeper. Henarald agrees to forge Anomander's sword, but requires that he be present at the quenching of it by darkness to witness if it is blood Mother Dark uses. Kellaras tells him he won't be able to see anything and leaves the chamber trembling mostly upset by Henarald's repeated assertions that he will return to childhood.
Kellaras goes to the main hall where there is feast taking place. He pushes aside his doubts and is proud that he got Henarald's agreement to make the sword. He searches out Galar Baras and finds him leaning against a pillar staring at a woman that had just entered. Kellaras sees her see Galar Baras and watches her stiffen. The woman is Toras Redone. Kellaras notes that even grimed from hard travel she is beautiful and makes his way to Galar. Galar asks if Henarald spoke to Kellaras of childhood. Kellaras says yes, but does not understand. Kellaras invites Galar to join a table and Galar accepts though he tells him he can't drink. Galar tells the captain that the childhood thing troubles them all. Kellaras asks him to call him by his name and not rank. Galar says that Henarald claims that he is losing his recent memories, but no one can see any evidence of this. Galar tells Kellaras of a sickness called Loss of Iron that afflicts smiths. Kellaras tells Galar that in his meeting Henarald was sharp and focused. No evidence of a crumbling mind. Galar asks if he will tell Anomander of this. Galar says it has no bearing on the creation of the sword and says his master would likely just say returning to childhood isn't a bad idea.
POV: Galar Baras
Kellaras gets drunk and stumbles off and now Galar has to be alone with his thoughts and heartache at the presence of Toras Redone. She was still holding court at one of the tables and after a while she shuffles over to him. She comments on her husband transferring as far away as he could. She tells Galar that he is a pariah in the citadel. That people think him arrogant and dismissive. She knows that's not him, so is puzzled. She says he should have sex with the priestesses. That celibacy is not for soldiers. He should feed his appetites. Galar responds by asking if she is well fed. The barb slides off of her and she says well enough. She says she is certain that her husband stays true to her and that leads her to infidelity. Galar does not understand this. She changes the subject and says she has missed him. She tells him to go to bed, but he knows he won't be alone for long. He compares himself to Toras Redone's husband, Calat Hustain, knowing that both spend their nights alone, "because it was in their nature to choose it: to remain alone in the absence of love"
Location: Neret Sorr
POV: Kadaspala
With Osserc and Hunn Raal gone, Kadaspala is having a more enjoyable time having dinners with Urusander. The painting however was still irritating to him. He doubts anyone will see below the surface of his painting. He is finished and will leave in the morning. "There is but one god, and its name is beauty. There is but one kind of worship, and that is love. There is for us but one world, and we have scarred it beyond recognition". Kadaspala now truly sees Urusander and is terrified. Urusander asks him why he chose to accept this request. Kadaspala says he's denied hundreds, but if anyone can prevent a civil war, it's the man in the portrait. Although his thoughts imply that that may not be the same man standing before him.
Location: House Enes lands
POV: Cryl Durav
On his short self-imposed exile from the wedding preparations, Kryl finds the antlers of a long dead Eckalla. A symbol of triumph. Cryl thinks the triumph is hollow. Hunting for food was once a necessity, but that necessity bred traditions that resulted in the extinction of this animal. Thinking back on his youth he dreamt of discovering a new world free of Tiste where he could become prey and know the thrill of fear. Enesdia was also present in these fantasies. He thinks, "He had been trained for war just as he had been taught how to hunt and how to slay, and these were deemed necessary skills in preparation for adulthood. How sad was that?".
His horse notices some movement and he sees a troop of Tiste riders approaching. This makes no sense as there is no reason for them to come here on there way to somewhere else. Cryl rides to meet them and sees that they lead a score of Jheleck children. There were no chains. The captain of the company asks why Cryl is out this far and Cryl tells him who he is. The captain breaks in and says Cryl is probably fleeing the frenzy of the coming marriage. The captain introduces himself as Scara Bandaris and says there are two reasons for him being here, one trying to figure out what to do with the Jheleck hostages and two to attend the wedding. Cryl agrees to escort them all to house Enes. Scara perceptively guesses that Cryl is out here because he is in love with Enesdia. He says he will say no more on the subject.
There are 25 Jheleck children. Scara says they will raise wolves in these children. Cryl says he's heard they are more like hounds. Scara says hostage taking may come back to bite them. Scara laughs at his own joke and forces a smile onto Cryl's face. Cryl feels a little better.
Location: House Enes
POV: Enesdia
Enesdia is upset that Cryl has been gone for a few days. She searches out her father and overdramatically asks him why they are shirking their responsibility to their hostage. She says, "For all you know he could be lying at the bottom of a well, legs shattered and dying of thirst" Jaen responds "Dying of thirst in a well?" he tells her he sent him on a search for Eckalla. She says that's a hopeless quest. Jaen says Cryl's familiar with those. Enesdia asks what he means. Jaen responds that his time with House Enes is ending. It has only now struck Enesdia that her companion will not be at her side much longer. Enesdia laments the fact that Cryl's family has only one occupation. He will be a soldier like his only living brother, Spinnock. She muses that she could ask Andarist to offer Cryl a commission in the citadel, far away from fighting. Cryl would never know, but he would be safe.
Location: House Drukorlas
POV: Orfantal
Orfantal is standing near the estate road with Wreneck, a stable boy that used to be his friend. They are also standing near an old nag horse. They have been standing for some time. They are being circled by 3 feral dogs that have smelled the food that Orfantal carries. Orfantal wished he knew why Wreneck stopped being his friend, but it seemed impossible to ask now. Orfantal has all of his possessions in a trunk. They are not much. Orfantal thinks he could fit in there too, ready to be discarded. Wreneck is 10, Orfantal is 5. His grandmother is sending him off somewhere to learn how to grow up. He knows there will be a time when unhappiness comes into his life as it does with every boy. A wagon pulls up. It will be his ride to wherever he is going. Wreneck makes sure they know that he is going to the citadel and that he is nobleborn. Wreneck tells Orfantal that the old horse is blind in her left eye, so don't let anything ride on that side of her. Orfantal says goodbye to Wreneck and Wreneck waves dismissively and leaves.
POV: Wreneck
Wreneck turns from some distance to watch them leave with tears running down his face. He resolves himself to return to the "evil hag" and now he doesn't even have Orfantal to make his life easier. Nerys Drukorlat had forbidden him from playing or even speaking to Orfantal. She would fire him if he did. His mother and father and sisters relied on his income. He wished he could have played with Orfantal this entire morning and hugged him goodbye, but he was afraid of the evil hag.
Location: Toras Keep. On the road to the Citadel
POV: Orfantal
The party makes camp and the scarred old man who loaded Orfantal's trunk says that this is likely his horse's last journey. Orfantal is sad to not even know the horses name and wonders what things she has seen in her life. He decided that she had been a warhorse and saved her rider many times, but not from the betrayal that finally killed him. The leader of the troop introduces himself to Orfantal as Haral and tells him not to call him sir. He tells him he guards merchants and that's all. Orfantal asks about bandits. Haral says there are some Deniers. Haral tells Orfantal that he will be sharing Gripp's tent. The man who took care of his horse. He says that Gripp can be trusted and not some of the other men in the party.
Haral says after this he will be joining House Dracon's houseblades. Orfantal asks if he was a soldier once. Haral says few weren't in his generation. Orfantal introduces himself. Haral asks why she named him that. His name is a Yedan dialect. The holy language of the monks, Shake. Narad, one of the guards, says it means unwanted and laughs. Haral tells him to keep his mouth shut on this journey and tells Orfantal his name doesn't mean unwanted, it means unexpected. Narad laughs again and Haral savagely kicks him in the face then punches him. He then walks away from the unconscious guard. Orfantal is trembling and his heart is beating fast. Gripp comes over and calms him down. He says it's discipline and Narad was pushing for weeks. Orfantal now has a face to put to all the faceless betrayers in his war games. Narad. Gripp shows Orfantal how to raise a tent.
Location: Within sight of Dracon's Hold
POV: Ivis
Ivis and Sandalath are riding towards the hold. Ivis tells her that Draconus will be gone for several weeks still. Her body tells him that she probably had a child, but that's none of his business. She is now a hostage at House Dracon's and she will be treated well. Sandalath asks where Draconus comes from. Ivis says even his servants do not know, but he proved his worth in the war. Ivis is upset at the discipline now presented by his houseblades and resolves to fix it. Sandalath is being led to a warm bath and thanks Ivis. He responds, "My pleasure, milady". Hilith the head of the house maids does not like him calling her a lady as she is only hostage now. She lets him know it. Ivis says, "Old woman, you are no queen to so command me. I will choose the honorific our guest deserves. She rode well and without complaint. If you have complaint, await the pleasure of our lord upon his return. In the meantime, spit out that sour grape you so love to suck on, and be dutiful." Hilith says this isn't over. Ivis responds with a command to leave his courtyard and if he hears of her being miserable to the hostage that it will in fact not be over.
Location: Dracon's Hold
POV: Sandalath
Hilith tells Sandalath to come with her to the bath. Sandalath asks if the water is hot. and asks her if there is wood ready just in case. Sandalath challenges Hilith and says she is to treat her as if she was the lady of the house. Hilith bristles but agrees. Sandalath remembers her first stint as a hostage and the horrible hag that made her life miserable until Andarist found out and got rid of her. If Hilith turns out to be the same, she will tell Draconus. A younger maid escorts her to the correct bath, not the one Hilith had prepared for her. Sandalath says if Hilith is her enemy, then Sandalath should have many allies. The maid smiles and says thousands. Sandalath asks the maid about Ivis and if she finds him handsome. She says he is old, but Sandalath doesn't think so. Sandalath tells the maid she feels welcomed by this house and feels born anew.

What was once the pride and beating heart of Nagorow now reduced to desolate landscape, with the ancient structure barely stands from the impact. Whatever artillery piece was that, I hope I never encounter it again, added with gov'ness telling me to get away from here as quick as possible.
Easy for her to say, when I am carrying her whole weight while she stares at the sky. My suspender was doing well in supporting the binds of her to me, the movement helps little in giving me hopes that my skill with ropes was sufficient, and though my chest began to cool, my back is sweating from the skin contact with her.
My watch barely works anymore, it ticks in place, wasting the battery inside, but the sound it made kept me company when gov'ness herself seems awfully silent from when I met her first. The silent of the woods and the encroaching night force us to rest and made fire, some more challenge.
The gov'ness brows draw her emotion well, as she sees me easily ignites a fire with nothing but Rylanor's knife, leaf, and the head of my belt.
"I apologize if there are no food to be made, gov'ness" I sat and watch the woods, making sure that I am not looking at her indecency.
"There's no need, Musa" her stammers indicate something, but I do not dare to look "you were- you were efficient, to say the least"
I must be doing a poor job up until now, it seems, no reason to argue with the higher-ups, sergeant taught me that.
"That's not to say you were insufficient, I admire how-" does commander of legions that conquered the stars rarely say gratitude? Lucius' reason for jealousy was understandable then "I admire how you took the task at hand and done appropriately, if not better"
"Gov'ness you may rest, I trust you won't wander the woods alone" idle chat with nobility that never saw their underling will grind my head, if kept going, and so I stand and enter the woods, with a torch, to forage the forest's bed
"Of course" her tone shift to something akin to a disappointed child, but I didn't look back.
When you live your entire childhood in strict community, you'd eventually improvise on the go, especially when your family is a cook, the duty in making rations for my village naturally falls into our hands. Those experience taught you what plants was edible and so are mushrooms. And those very experience brought me back to camp with a handful of fruits, as many as one arm and a pair of pockets may allow. I made sure to walk backwards when I reach nearer to the camp.
"I brought food, gov'ness" I roll a round fruit across the camp, hoping the sound of the impact was made by her "we could make a bait for hunting with this" I do not know the merit in telling her I brought mushroom.
Silence greet me, and for a moment I thought she already slept, but the quiet was almost unnatural.
"Gov'ness?" I called, and when that didn't work, I finally brave myself to look at her place. What I thought to be her resting in place, was betrayed the moment I found dragged dirt heading to the woods "Gov'ness!" Rylanor's knife was already in hand as I stand.
And yet I stopped just a foot from the fire, something is weighing me down and it wasn't bounding me physically. Rather, my own mind betrays me, by shackling my feet in place, trying to tell me something, in which I have no choice but to listen.
What's the point of this? Nagorow and the Sejm are no more, the war is no more, and gov'ness' people will eventually came here and enslave us, brought us into compliance as they sent us across the star to die by the hand of monster beyond our imagining. She indirectly killed Maria, she indirectly caused the capital to be blown by that artillery, and now she's running away even when I tried to help her.
Goodness me, I am beyond an idiot. I accept the fact that I am an idiot, my face instinctively being wrapped by my palms as I dropped the knife, instead gripping tightly at my hair, trying to blot out any of these strange feelings with pain. Was it loneliness? Grief? Confusion and rage? A breaking point in insanity? To suffer all my life and finally seeing the end of it?
And before I even noticed, I already knelt on the ground, hands still gripping my hair as I fought the needs to scream, producing pathetic squeals akin to a dying animal. I want it to end, being forced to fight in a war where I would find no benefit, threats of death but never dying. It was a miracle I even managed to refocus back at the capital, after seeing the carnage, but now it would take more than that to distract me from this.
A loud growl of a beast in the woods knock senses into me, and once again my mind betrays me as it quickly pull the knife close to my chest, even when not a moment ago it thought that being dead would finally be relieving. The roar gets higher in tone, meaning its fighting another beast of its own so deep in the night, even deeper in the woods. Moving from the spot could be beneficial if I want to avoid it, and there's nothing holding me back anymore. Not when a familiar voice of a certain commander that her companion calls mother, suddenly rang between the roar.
Not thinking any longer, I quickly grab the torch and run my way to the voice, the cold of night be damned. Does my mind betrays me once again? Not this time, now it is my conscious choice that I made, even knowing that the result would be pointless. If anything, she's the only one I got left.
When the sound of the fighting was near, I can see the gov'ness wrestling a furry beast, and losing quite the blood. The beast throws her to the nearest tree it can swing, before swiping their hands trying to get past her defensive hands. Now or never, then.
My feet ran first, lunging so high that I was able to hook my arm to the neck of the beast, intending to distract it from gov'ness. The beast retaliate, hooking their short yet powerful paws into my left shoulder, the claws piercing my skin and flesh, before throwing me to the tree. And yet I didn't give in, and with a kick, I already ran to the beast, knife in hand as I made body contact with it, plunging my knife between the thick fur and even thicker skin. I knocked some wind out from the beast when we made contact, causing it to stagger, which I used as I wildly stab across its body.
That end when with one swipe from its arm, I was thrown like a doll back to the ground, my knife finally escaped my hand. The beast didn't hesitate to use the advantage as it jump to my position, intending to flatten me out, when I barely escaped it when I pull a root of a tree and slide on the wet ground. Doing so left me with no more escape, as the beast simply stands and gaze over me, with primal hate and anger. If this is to be the end, then good riddance it finally came.
As the beast prepares to flatten me yet again, something crawls on its back, causing it to roar in pain. Strands of silver hair juts out occasionally behind the beast's back as it assuredly went for the neck of the beast. The face of gov'ness, even tattered and ridden with mud, is still as majestic when I first saw it. She finally reach the neck of the beast, efficiently slitting the throat, before another swing and the beast's head escaped its neck and went to her hands.
The beast rolled over, the final semblance of consciousness slowly slip away as it stiffen the muscle. I didn't even noticed gov'ness stumbling away from the beast, even without legs, she's able to wrestle an apex beast, naked, at night, and even killing it. No wonder she's trusted with a legion to conquer planets and stars, if she can do this unarmed, compared to me, I am a speck of harmless dust.
"Musa, you came?" she finally speaks, her hands grabbing the torch to light up the night "Musa, I- I can explain" she stammers as she watches me slowly stand and stumble across to her "truly, I have an explanation for this, and it was not base on selfish -"
I ignore everything and went to gently wrap her neck with my hands, the pain on my shoulder didn't stop me as I clung my weak and fragile form to her. My barely muscular body to her finely tuned body, hers heating over my increasingly cold body. After everything, she's the only thing I know, the only thing I respect, and its enough for me to cherish it before I could die. Fate was never kind anyway, its a good thing to finally spite it after so long.
"Let's get back to camp, gov'ness" I knew the futility in this, we could die here after wrestling a beast, or she could ran away yet again.
"But the beast! I hunted the beast so we could eat, something for the-"
"Gov'ness, please" I went to the tattered remains of my belt and makeshift rope, tying it to her so I could carry her "let's just return and rest"
"Of course, apologies" I didn't notice the way she's facing and I could care less in fixing it, her breath warming my neck along with her body with mine "I dearly apologize, Musa, truly I do" she wraps her arms to me, more heat for me as I stumble in my return to the camp, the lingering effects of adrenaline slowly depletes. I was lucky that the effects were gone once we finally made it to camp.
I collapse on the ground, tasting the wet soil as the cold night slowly consumes me, making me forgot to sat gov'ness down. I was useless and inefficient right to the very end, and I hope what I did was enough for everyone involved,

This is going to be long, apologies in advance… And thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.
A few days ago, I approached my HM with my frustrations over not having a set schedule (my on-duty hours often fluctuate depending on the family’s needs on the day of). I am extremely disappointed in her response, and am seriously considering leaving early as a result.
Honestly, I also just really need to rant about this to anyone who might have some experiencing either hosting au pairs or participating in an au pair exchange who can provide some insight. For context, the au pair regulations of the country I am staying in do not allow au pairs to work more than 30 hours per week (6 hours maximum per day) and mandate 1.5 days off per week. While I don’t think any of these rules are technically being broken, I am really frustrated, disappointed, and upset at my current situation. Also important to note is that my contract does not specify exact hours of work (my own fault/oversight, apparently).
Without revealing any personal details about the HF for privacy’s sake, I want to share a little bit about what my agreed-upon versus actual duties were/are.
The household duties that were discussed during the video interview(s) were: * Assisting with breakfast in the mornings and helping the children get ready for school/daycare. * Accompanying the youngest to daycare. * Washing, hanging, and folding the children’s laundry. * Maintaining order in the youngest’s playroom (which is also the main living area). * Cooking lunch for the family twice a week. * Preparing a simple dinner for the children on a daily basis. * A weekly house-clean, together. * Groceries, as needed. * Tidying the youngest’s room with her at the end of each day. * Loading and unloading the dishwasher.
Additional household duties I have been tasked with since arriving: * Vacuuming mouse shit from behind bookshelves and inside the children’s play drawers (once). * Releasing caught mice into the nearby green space from the household live traps (three times). * Cleaning the cat shit from the outdoor sandbox (once). * Taking the recycling to the local depot (regularly). * Washing, hanging, and folding the entire family’s laundry (regularly). * Dropping off and picking up the family’s dry cleaning (seldom). * The kitchen has been assigned to me as “my area of responsibility”. This means that the family often leaves their dishes on the counter as well as pots and pans on the stove from when they cook, regardless of if I have eaten with them or not. I am also sometimes tasked with random kitchen-related duties. For example, taking out the pots and pans to vacuum the drawers, or cleaning the windows. * On a few occasions, the family has had guests on my designated lunch days. I have also cooked for these guests (1-2 extra adults).
My weekday hours are generally 6:30am to 8:30am and 4:00pm to 7:00pm. As I mentioned, these hours often fluctuate. For example, sometimes one of the parents takes the youngest to daycare, which means I’m only on-duty until 8:00am. Twice a week, the youngest also has programming, which I have come to understand does not constitute my “working hours” in their eyes. This mean that while I pick her up from daycare and walk her to her program, the hour that she is actually in the program is considered my “off” time.
Approximately twice a week, I also return home mid-day to cook lunch for the family. I budget about 1 hour for this, not including grocery shopping, which I often do on the way to/from the daycare. I also mop and vacuum the entire home, with the exception of the parents’ study rooms, once a week. By necessity, I do this when the children are out of the house (so also during the day).
This means that my weekdays include between 4 and 6 hours of “work” hours across a 12 hour window. I have been given the flexibility to complete the above tasks whenever I want, so I typically spread these out throughout the week in order to maintain some balance between my workdays. The days I am responsible for cooking on are decided on at the start of the week, and sometimes change mid-week if the parents schedules change (typically communicated on the day-of). Based off this, I’d say I typically work about 25 hours between Monday to Friday.
Now, weekends:
I have one day off per week. Up until now, this has been respected and I appreciate that. The family has noted that either Saturday or Sunday works well for them, as long as we consult with each other on plans before I choose the day to take. I feel that this is a really nice approach,
BUT…
Alongside my sporadic weekly schedule, I am really struggling with what is supposed to be my other half day “off”. For example, let’s say Saturday is my full day off and Sunday is my half day off. I am given little to no structure/expectation for when I will be watching the children beyond things like “a little in the morning” and “a little in the afternoon/evening”. I feel that I’ve really had to push for even a general realm of what hours I need to be on-duty for. Oftentimes, I am told that my start time is 8:00am and am asked to take the youngest to a park for the morning. If the youngest isn’t dressed/emotionally prepared to leave the house until 9:00am or 9:15am, that is when we leave the house and that is when my (for example) two hour childcare block begins. If we arrive home at 11:00am, and her mother hasn’t completed her morning tasks that require a child-free house, this means that I remain on-duty until these tasks are complete (ie. household cleaning, grocery shopping, work tasks, etc.). Once my morning shift is complete (whenever that ends up being) I typically make myself unavailable by leaving the house to study/read at a coffee shop. I always make sure to ask what time they would like me back, and I arrive when I am requested (because my half day on weekends is also almost always a split shift).
Sometimes this day might look something like this: -8:00am “start” that doesn’t seem to really begun until an hour later (so 9:00am to 11:00am) -2:00pm-3:00pm -5:00pm to 7:00pm
If the kids last minute have a play date, my 2:00pm-3:00pm might get cancelled, but this also means that it might extend the 5:00pm-7:00pm block.
This past Sunday I arrived home at 5:00pm, only to find out that at 5:15pm that the youngest was spontaneously joining a friend on an outing.
The morning shift is also often blocked off so that the mother can assist the eldest with homework, but if he sleeps in and they don’t start until later, this also affects my start and end time.
Obviously, this sucks.
I brought this up in a way that I feel was respectful and fair, and was more or less told that “this is how we’ve always done this, so I don’t see us changing. Our weekends aren’t scheduled ahead of time, and this is part of the flexibility of having an au pair. If we wanted someone to watch the kids for a block of time, we would hire a babysitter.”
I was honestly shocked at this response, because I personally do NOT see this as how an au pair should function. I reiterated that it is unreasonable and shitty to have someone on-call for a twelve-hour stretch for what should theoretically be a maximum of 6 hours of work. Her response was that they are only asking for one day of flexibility per week, and so I should plan to be home with the expectation that I won’t be working the entire day.
I also asked if there was any way to receive (at very least) a more specific timeline than “morning” or “afternoon”. Her response was that they can try to plan something ahead of time, but will have to reconfirm the morning of. She said that if I make plans and then my work hours change, it would be really shitty/look really shitty for me to cancel. This was presented as a compromise, but I feel like it’s no different than the current situation.
I am now less frustrated by the scheduling issue than I am by the blatant disregard for my personal time and life outside of my au pairing duties this shows.
TLDR: My contract does not specify exact work hours and host family will not provide a set schedule, expecting me to be available for the entire day until they decide when they need me on the day of. How would you proceed?
Edit: I am located in Germany.

In this clip CEO of Nvidia presents a country's language, culture, and intelligence as a resource they cannot afford not to exploit by feeding them into Artificial Intelligence. This immediately brings to mind Martin Heidegger's 1954 essay The Question Concerning Technology wherein modern technology is described as a framework that transforms our way of understanding things away from a stand-alone essence and into an instrumental, standing-reserve of a resource.
In this post I'll articulate why I think the Nvidia CEO is saying something monstrous and awful by suggesting that we challenge-forth language and culture. Leaning on Heidegger's understanding of Technology, I will primarily make use of a critical distinction he makes in the relationship between humans and nature, which is that of bringing-forth and challenging-forth. I will summarize some key concepts form the essay so you don't have to read it in full.
The primary distinction between bringing-forth and challenging-forth is whether the essence (or if you prefer, identity or understanding) of some thing remains as a stand-alone existence unto itself or if it is subsumed under the essence of the process that extracts a resource from it.
Bringing-Forth is likened to an old wooden bridge across the Rhine river. The bridge is revealed as a way forward, as a space and a road and an object, but not in a manner that the Rhine is now subsumed under it. The Rhine is not reduced (in our understanding) to the waters that go under the bridge, the bridge brings-forth a way across the river, but the Rhine is still, in essence, still understood as a thing unto itself, independent from any need that water run under the bridge.
By contrast, Heidegger brings up a hydroelectric dam on the Rhine.

"The hydroelectric plant is set into the current of the Rhine. It sets the Rhine to supplying its hydraulic pressure, which then sets the turbines turning. This turning sets those machines in motion whose thrust sets going the electric current for which the long-distance power station and its network of cables are set up to dispatch electricity. In the context of the interlocking processes pertaining to the orderly disposition of electrical energy, even the Rhine itself appears to be something at our command. The hydroelectric plant is not built into the Rhine River as was the old wooden bridge that joined bank with bank for hundreds of years. Rather, the river is dammed up into the power plant."

To Heidegger, it is not just the physical flow of water in the river that is dammed and disrupted, but rather our understanding of the river is dammed. We are no longer seeing it for itself but rather as something within our control, something from which we can challenge-forth to give "maximum yield at the minimum expense". The Rhine is now the smaller part to a process whose essence has overtaken the essence of any one part.
In order to enable this process to continue Heidegger says that "Everywhere everything is ordered to stand by, to be immediately on hand, indeed to stand there just so that it may be on call for a further ordering." The dam is our order to the Rhine that the gravitational energy of the cubic meters of water that it has stand by for future use, in a manner that the bridge does not order the Rhine to flow underneath it.
This quote from Ayn Rand's Fountainhead neatly encapsulates how challenging-forth encourages the framing of the world:

"He looked at the granite. To be cut, he thought, and made into walls. He looked at a tree. To be split and made into rafters. He looked at a streak of rust on the stone and thought of iron ore under the ground. To be melted and to emerge as girders against the sky. These rocks, he thought, are waiting for me; waiting for the drill, the dynamite and my voice; waiting to be split, ripped, pounded, reborn; waiting for the shape my hands will give them"

Rand is (expectedly) writing in praises of this framework, but to the view of Heidegger, this is a monstrous thing, the tree and the granite and the rocks are all robbed of an essence, an understanding of themselves as they are and transformed into something that must be ordered around to stand by for an endless process of revealing, regulating, and securing.
What then, does this have to do with the Nvidia CEO's claim? Well, quite clearly, AI has made it possible for people to issue the order of standing-reserve not just to the forces of nature, but to things inside ourselves, such as language, culture, intelligence. These things, that embody the inner lives of people, our relationships, and our histories, are challenged-forth are to be ordered.
The writer, unlike the model, brings-forth something from language, she cannot hope to control language, merely to reveal some finite thing from it in the manner that the bridge revelas away forward from the Rhine. She cannot order language to be "immediately on hand" to be endlessly revealed into something whenever desired, because her limited and phenomenological perspective makes her attempts subordinate to the size of language as an entity larger than herself. She understands language as something with an essence that she cannot wield in its totality and in that relationship the essence of language is preserved, as something greater than her desires to make writing from it, but nonetheless able to yield to her enough for her needs.
This here is what distinguishes AI from other tools that relate to language, culture and intelligence. AI finally enables us to treat the great corpuses as a standing reserve we can challenge-forth and industrialize, that we can subsume those things permanently under the endless cycle of revealing. If our language, thought and intelligence are a river, AI is the dam. The river still flows, but it is subsumed as the resource from which the dam extracts something, as the thing the dam challenges to produce.
Like Heidegger, I see a certain monstrosity in this, and it is especially awful when it invades this realms of the inner lives of people.
Heidegger argued that man was the first resource to be ordered in this manner:

"Only to the extent that man for his part is already challenged to exploit the energies of nature can this revealing that orders happen. If man is challenged, ordered, to do this, then does not man himself belong even more originally than nature within the standing-reserve? The current talk about human resources, about the supply of patients for a clinic, gives evidence of this. The forester who measures the felled timber in the woods and who to all appearances walks the forest path in the same way his grandfather did is today ordered by the industry that produces commercial woods, whether he knows it or not. He is made subordinate to the orderability of cellulose, which for its part is challenged forth by the need for paper, which is then delivered to newspapers and illustrated magazines."

But indeed, with the ability to challenge-forth culture and language and intelligence, man is made infinitely and completely subordinate to industry. And that, I think, we should never allow.