Continuing…
I figured that if I could re-seat the pump head, I could tighten up the metal-to-metal seal, kill the fire and get it back in production in one fell swoop.
So, that was the plan.
I beat and bashed that flange with the 18 pound sledge and though there were some creditable chips flying, the seal remained just tantalizingly out of alignment.
I did have a load of necessary explosives, but with this job, cooler heads needed to prevail.
I did, instead, use a logging chain to connect the pump jack to the back bumper of my truck.
A few high speed runs, a lot of swearing and just a few more tappy-taps with the sledge.
Roughly an hour and a half later, the pump jack was seated, sealed and back in production.
After resetting them, I ran some barbed-wire around the four posts that the mower had also knocked down. San Juan Gas Well 12-78B was well and good back in production.
Funny. I said it took me about an hour, plus or minus, and I showed up at the County Fairgrounds just 2 hours after I left the house; but I’d still be billing all concerned for 12 hours plus parts.
I don’t kid around when I say that emergencies get triple billed.
Plus, it looked like it might rain.
Somewhere in the county.
So, they get billed for inclement weather service.
After the call for Es’ car insurance, I’m going to have to hire the county mower dude to knock over a few wells a month just to pay her premiums…
Anyways.
Back at the fairgrounds and I’m shocked and amazed to see what the crew has done in my absence.
The place looks like it’s ready to go...the ballpark has been repainted, renovated and brought into the 21st century. The parking areas were freshly bladed and painted. The Porta-San farm was off to one side and gleaming. The beer garden, ticket booths, first aid station, everything done according to plan.
I was very wary. Certainly things like this are unable to go on without at least one major fuck-up.
But, no!
So, we got to the point of the pre-opening day dry-run.
There’s an enormous amount of work yet to do: basically, there’s games, food court, baseball diamond and park, bingo field, Porto-san farm, beer garden, parking lots, entrance gate, ticket takers and hand stampers, ticket sales, first aid, shuttle busses, security, and carnival rides.
Some of this is sub-let out, such as the carnival rides, food court and loo farm, but the rest are our creations and needed manning for the two days we’ll be open. Plus, there was one additional ride that no one would have guessed. That appears tomorrow just as the park opens.
Anyways, in the main office, I call a general meeting and we begin to, for the lack of a better term, ‘storyboard’ the park, timings and operations.
Tickets are a dollar, US currency only. We get loads of Mexican pesos and even a few Canadian loonies and toonies, but I have no desire to worry about international exchange rates. We determine that all attractions will run in ‘whole dollar’ units; i.e., a beer will be USD$2/16 oz. Games are set by the owner, but usually ‘x attempts/dollar’. Entrance fees will be set at children 0-4: free, 5-13: $1, 14-18: $2, adults: $3. Must have hand stamped to return. It’s free and multiple-entry, but will change daily.
The entrance to the ball games is free. Food, beverages and such prices are determined by the vendor.
You get the general idea. I’ll not describe every activity/cost, but I’m sure you all have been to a county or state fair and that’s the general model we chose to follow.
Inside the cyclone fence, we’re not longer a democracy, but a dictatorship. What we say, goes. We have the rules of the house printed up on 4’ x 8’ plywood sheets and distributed around the park in strategic areas; particularly at the front gate. Nothing too onerous, other than if you displease us, we have the authority to toss you out of the park, ban you, trespass you, forbid your re-entry or hold you for the local constabulary.
In other words, have fun, but we don’t suffer fools lightly.
Also, no firearms. This state is concealed carry, but we’ve checked with the local law dogs and we can forbid them. I’m still toting a 10mm, but I write the rules, so you know how that goes.
Just in case.
Also, no fireworks, explosives or other detonating/deflagrating nasties. I’m the only one licensed for these items, so just take a load off, have a beer or five and let us do the heavy lifting.
It was a late night when I wearily plopped into the Jacuzzi that night before the grand opening. We’d been so busy building the park and tending to minutiae, that we never supposed it wouldn’t fly.
“What if the place is a bust?” I worried worriedly.
The Keeper reminded me that “Wrong thinking is punishable; right thinking will be as quickly rewarded.”
“Enough with the negative waves, Moriarty.”, I snuffed as Khan unceremoniously capsized me with an over-enthusiastic greeting.
Finally, it was D-Day. I kissed Es goodbye and ignored her protestations that it wasn’t even dawn yet. I made certain I had enough cigars, a change of clothes and my super-secret shoulder holster for my 10mm.
I needed to get to the location early as there was still a bit of dozer work I wanted to finish before the gates opened at 1000.
But first, stop for a thermos of coffee at the local cafe, and well, those Danish look really nice. Just one won’t hurt, I lied to myself.
I was at the park first light and pleased to see more than half the crew (and their families) had arrived. Yes, free park doings for all park employees. Since we’re only open 2 days, one-half worked opening, the other half was slated for closing. However, families were welcome on both days, free admittance.
I mean, hey, we’re not savages.
A couple of the baseball teams had already arrived and were being bussed to their respective arena areas. We had a parking area set aside just for their busses and such, but it was a ways away, so we had shuttle busses laid on just for them.
I liked the modular aspect of the park: the baseball pitch was more or less self-contained with immediate access to the rest of the park. All the food trucks were in the food court, all the merchants were set-up in Merchant’s Alley, a name they chose themselves. The Porto-san farm was off on one side and proved to be placed in the proper orientation for the local winds. The Beer Garden was the first thing you saw once past the entrance gate. 6 lines, little waiting, as 4 were for beer and 2 were for soft drinks. Behind the Beer Garden was Security and First Aid.
Ah, First Aid.
Thanks to a little conniving, cunning and cuteness, we had one of the local hospital’s Medi-Vac helicopters parked just behind and a hundred meters away from our First-Aid station.
I did a couple of demolition jobs for the Chairman of the hospital and he was more than pleased to be strong-armed into loaning out one of his helicopters.
It was good advertising and could prove to be a life saver.
They also had 4 others that were in service to cover our tri-county area so this one wouldn’t be missed unless it was a full-on exchange. So, I think we’ll be OK for a couple of days.
Besides, I could fly the thing in a pinch.
Anyways, we had our early morning meetings and rode around in the golf cart that someone had appropriated from the local links to check in with the merchants, food court operators and others up and working at this ridiculous hour.
Unbelievable as it seems, things were actually humming along in sync and there were no major disasters. I decided to get my dozer work completed before the crowds appeared so I nipped off to the northern edge of the park.
1000 rolled around and I looked to see the car park better than one-third full. Most all workers and sub-contractors parked in the facility lot to the south so that meant that there were actual people things arriving to partake of our little scheme.
No one was more amazed than me.
Many were there for the baseball matches, but many we also strolling around, partaking of the beer garden, the food courts and games of skill much like any other fair. Later that afternoon, there was to be a battle of the bands for local performers which should draw even larger crowds. These would take over the baseball diamond once the games were complete.
We were going to run 3 Bingo games that day. One at 1300 hours, one at 1500 hours and them the big one at 1800 hours. We had no idea how long each game would take, but we figured a couple of hours each. The first two games were conventional Bingo (fill out the word Bingo with your card numbers; first one wins the game). The last, and biggest purse, was “full card”. First full card wins. Depending on the gate take, the prize for that game was 3 times the first two.
Many people were interested in the Burnt Bowling Ball Bingo games and were buying up Bingo cards at the rate of knots. Since I was going to be the Bingo shooter, I enlisted Parker to be the game’s Master of Ceremonies. He was a closet ham and once I shoved a cordless microphone into his hands, he was a natural born Bingo caller.
I was farting around on the dozer, trying to clear a recalcitrant patch of aspens when a couple of kids stood by the cyclone fence and were shouting at me.
“Whaddya want?” I yelled back.
“How much for dozer rides?” one of the rangier kids asked.
“Not a ride.”, I said, “I’m actually doing real work here.”
“Aw, man!”, on of the kids objected, “I always wanted to see what it was like to ride a bulldozer.”
A light bulb went off inside my skull.
“You kids got tickets?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah!”, they shouted in unison and held up long links of tickets in today’s crimson color.
“Just wait a few minutes”, I said to them as I throttled the old dozer down.
Within 15 minutes, we had a gate installed in the cyclone fence, an enclosed table and ticket-taker’s area right out front and a sign with still wet-letters reading: “Dozer Rides: 5 tickets.”
Hell, I don’t mind if the little fart rides shotgun while I tend to some light landscaping. I can even let them run some of the controls for an extra thrill.
And that’s how Dozer Rides became one of the most popular rides at the fair. I’m seriously thinking that we get a hold of some old construction equipment, like a backhoe, wheel loader, walking cat, and such; find an acre or seven that needs a bit of work and charge folks a set price per hour to go out and play with the heavy equipment.
I’d bet that would be a money-making machine. Then I thought of liability and injury laws.
Nah. I’ll stick to detonics and demolition.
“$20 to set and detonate a stick of dynamite. Nitro Extra.”
Anyways.
It was about noon as I sipped a cold local libation and walked around the fairgrounds. One baseball game had concluded (the home team lost) and another was gearing up. The food court was bustling and the merchants, of everything from CDB oil to rain gutters, were doing a brisk business.
“Hellfire and dalmatians”, I thought to myself, “It looks like this is actually going to work.”
The crowd ranged from kids in strollers to geriatrics in their Electroscoots. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, and with the Rig Pig’s security presence, there was not a note of dissension to be heard. Everyone behaved themselves and was having a good time.
One o’clock rolled around and we began the first bingo game. B-6 was the first number to be called and Parker was having a good time hamming it up as he called the numbers, I was taking in a good amount of currency when people thought they could aim better them me, and the ball hustlers out in the field learned quickly to avoid incoming balls and yet were right on top when the ball impacted.
The first game lasted about an hour and a half. The purse for the first game was $750, and the little old lady that won was over the moon when we confirmed her card was indeed the winner.
Another half hour, and game 2 of the day would begin. The purse here was $1,250. We almost ran out of Bingo cards, but Father Rivera of the local Catholic Church helped us out by ‘loaning’ us 5 gross more. I was on the phone with the printers ordering a rush job for tomorrow of another 10 gross.
The printers both hated and loved us.
The crowds waxed and waned and before the third game of the day (The BIG Game), but about 1730, the lost were filling rapidly and the shuttle busses making runs every 10 minutes.
The purse for the day’s last game, based on our take for the day overall and my donation of all Dozer Ride funds, was $7,500.
That ain’t chicken feed and it was even broadcast over the local radio. Suddenly, we went from sparsely populated to fucking inundated.
The game kicked off precisely at 1800 hours. I was having a grand old time, really getting into the spirit of the event. Parker was getting very happy being so close to the Beer Garden and was really a natural-born comedian and game caller. He stuck in some local stories, that if the Beer Garden hadn’t been open so long probably would have resulted in fisticuffs.
But, it was all in good fun.
And the bloody game took almost 3 hours. I looked like an 18th century chimney sweep and Parker had almost gone hoarse. Finally, someone filled the card, had it verified and was awarded the comically huge check.
Come 2145, it was time for the evening’s fireworks finale.
“When the fireworks are done, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
“Beer Garden open for another 10 minutes, after that, it’s closed for the evening.”
We had a Mayan-style pyramid of empty beer barrels out back of the Beer Garden. Their shiny silver skins reflected the fireworks grandly. Got to hand it to the Mexican pyrotechnicians, they made great fireworks. Not a single misfire or dud and the last one, a horribly expensive 18” shell, was everything they said it would be, and more.
Triggering every car alarm in the parking lot just seemed like the perfect end to a long, though fun and profitable, day.
Plus, the best part?
I get to do it all over again tomorrow.
I’m old and tired. I got in my truck and headed home. I’m going to try this “diversify and delegate” business. Let someone else handle what needs to be done tonight.
Garbage detail.
Beer delivery and empties return.
Food service.
Economics. Profit and loss. Tallies.
Security.
ad infinitum.
I kissed Khan goodnight, mussed Es’ hair and collapsed into a well deserved coma. I had the strangest dreams that something just wasn’t quite right…
Up with the chickens the next day and I decided I might as well just wear what I wore yesterday. I was going to smell like a diesel mechanic and pyrotechnics operator again anyways.
After an impromptu shower and a new set of duds, thanks to Es’ insistence, I pulled out the first cigar of the day and lit it while traveling to the fairgrounds.
Deja vu all over again.
I parked my truck and wandered over to the office. Security buzzed me in and relieved me of a few of my nicer cigars.
Parker greeted me with a fresh coffee, an ashtray and a huge smile.
“OK”, I said between sips of Kona’s best, “What’s the secret?”
“Well”, he grinned, “Even with paying off everyone, we still cleared enough to finalize the bowling alley”.
“Even after our charitable contributions?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah”, he smiled. “Today’s gonna be lagniappe”.
“Does that include payment to your silent partner?” I asked.
He handed me a green tally book.
“Damn.” I said slowly, looking at the numbers. “Even with over $10k in prize money, we still made enough…”
“Yep”, Parker beamed. “’Bowling Ball Bingo’. Sheesh. Who would have thought…?”
“And the Beer Garden’s just opened.”, I smiled, “C’mon, I’ll buy you some liquid breakfast.”
We had several, as the morning was still young and we deserved it.
I had the guys take over the Dozer Ride, and they had a great time building fortresses out of old timber and river cobbles. They had better times destroying them, especially to the whoops and hollers of the kids riding with them.
I spent an hour or so getting the fireworks set for the opening and closing ceremonies. It was Sunday, so I waited until 1030 before setting off the official “We’re open for business” volleys.
However, today was quiet. It was dead compared to the previous day.
Parker began to fret. “What if everyone came yesterday and no one shows today?”
I stood by, lit a cigar, and pondered.
Then Hector and Zach wandered up.
“Senor”, Hector said, “What is today?”
“Sunday”, Parker and I replied.
“And what do many people do on a Sunday morning?” He asked.
“Recover from a hangover?” I offered.
“Get the wife to… ah, make breakfast?”, Parker added.
Hector and Zach just closed their eyes and shook their heads.
“How about ‘Go to church’?” they both asked in unison.
“Of course”, we said. “How could we forget?”
“Enjoy the quiet”, Zach said, “Because when services are over, I’ll bet you a Benjamin there’s going to be traffic jams in the parking lot and a rush on the gate.”
“What makes you think so?” I asked.
“The prize for the final Bingo game got leaked.”, Hector said, “These people would walk over you for $20k.”
“How did this get leaked?” I was going to ask, but didn’t.
“Um”, I said, thinking out loud, “Man your battle stations. It’s going to get messy around here in an hour or so…”
The battle I lines were drawn and everyone was at their post one and one half hours later.
The two nearest lots filled within 30 minutes. The two auxiliary lots took the overflow, but threatened to burst. Luckily, the shuttle busses were operating in fine form.
“Looks like I owe Zach a hundred”, I said to no one in particular.
Parker grinned like the cat that had eaten the canary. “You’ll never miss it after today.”
The first game, with a purse of $1,000, went off without a hitch.
The second game of the day, worth $2k, went off fine. We had to call in breweries from southern Colorado as we had basically drank this part of the Southwest dry over the last couple of days.
Food trucks were coming dangerously close to running out of food. The gamesters of the fairway were getting down to their bottom of the barrel prizes. I finally shut down the Dozer Ride as the old girl needed a well deserved rest.
Then it was time for the announcement.
“Full Card Bingo will commence in 15 minutes. First prize: $20,000. Card sales end in 10 minutes.”
People bought cards like they were dinner portions on Jakoo. Some had over 100 cards each, which proved to be a logistical nightmare if there was even a slight breeze. But, buy them they did and we finally ran out of cards only 5 minutes before we closed down sales.
I had the full team helping me on this last game. We’d rotate running and calling with loading and firing. It proved to be a long night, well until 2145 before we had someone call “BINGO!”.
They didn’t have the full card, and were freaking out when Security arrived and calmed them. We once again explained the rules and if everyone still agreed, we’d continue.
We did. They did and we had another potential winner after only 3 more shots.
This time, the card was correct.
Never before was there more whoops, hollers and groans then when Parker announced that we had a big winner.
The winner’s grin was only matched by the size of the comically outsized award check.
The band struck up a spiffy little number and there was one final rush on the Beer Garden. Luckily, I had foreseen this eventuality and sent the guys, in secret, to procure us a few of the locally brewed fermented malt beverages before all the hoo-ha.
There were toasts and draughts, as I let my minions run the fireworks finale for the evening. I was right on deck if something went awry, but I’d tested and galved the set-up several times so I knew nothing would go haywire.
A sincere thank you to all that made it this far, and the final firework of the night zoomed skyward.
Sure, it cost around US$2,500, but it was one of the loudest and most amazing thrice-color changing, lightning bolt and bloom fireworks I’ve ever seen.
The applause by the remaining crowd indicated they appreciated it as well.
And then, it was done.
I did my needful, said goodnight to all and remembered to tell everyone to be at the post-show meeting tomorrow morning, around 1100.
We were all pooped and needed some time to recuperate.
The next day, everyone assembled as per orders.
Parker was grinning in that most disconcerting manner of his. Either it was good news or he had set a new record for homicide. It was hard to tell which.
First off, thanks to everyone and disbursement of the employment checks, all with healthy bonuses.
Then, there was the matter of disbursal of funds to various charities. Healthy disbursal.
Finally, an overall profits and loss announcement.
We’d made enough to cover all investors, with a nice little 5.5% addition. All vendors and participants had been collected or disbursed. The new bowling alley was totally funded, even with a 10% slop JIC (just in case).
We were also slated for the local news as both TV and newspaper wanted interviews.
Parker handled that. I passed as I needed to load up the dozer and figure out what to do with four bowling ball cannons.
I was able to home the cannons in the yard of National Oilfield Services, as they owed me. The dozer is back in it’s shed at home, and I am watching the sun set as Es, Khan and I relax in the hot tub.
“So”, Es started, “You call this retirement? I have seen you for more than 10 minutes at a stretch for weeks.”
“Very true, m’dear”, I replied, “But it was all for good causes”.
“Yes, I agree”, she said, “But you can’t continue like this. You even found time to knock out a well fire that I didn’t even hear about until it was over and done.”
“Guilty as charged”, I said, “But, I am slowing it down. I can’t just stop and whang it into reverse.”
“But you are going to take some time off”, Es demanded, “I insist.”
“OK”, I replied and handed here an envelope.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Your cut”, I replied.
In the envelope were two tickets for First Class state rooms aboard the Viking cruise line for the “Grand European Sojourn”, 18 days down the Danube River. Something Es has always wanted to do.
“And the dates are open. Just choose when and we’ll go”. I noted.
I haven’t heard such a school-girly “Squee!” in decades.
Little did I realize that I now needed a tux and Es needed a new travel wardrobe.
All this and I get to wear a penguin suit.
Life, I swear, sometimes….

Continuing…
They all know who I am and as they say “RHIP”, or rank has its privilege. They’re all Oil Patch and know that I’ve been around the block a few times, handle explosives with the greatest of ease, and ran more rigs and drilled more meters than most of them have had hot dinners.
All salt of the earth types. I just lay a few ground rules; such as no firearms, no excessive drinking and if there’s a major problem, they come to see me first. These guys are true Oil Patch and guarantee me that all shall be done as I require.
Besides, I’ll be running the Bowling Ball Bingo show and the only one with access to explosives. They know all about field explosives and are as wary of it as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. That I can handle the stuff with deft and aplomb, they both respect and admire that.
“It’s good to be the king”, I think, recalling a line from a favorite Mel Brook’s movie.
I’ve got the guys off setting up the checkerboard for bowling ball bingo.
“Y’know”, I said after a week or so of farting around designing and building everything, “We’ve not had a shakedown on the punt guns (bowling ball mortars)”.
“That’s right.”, Kit agreed. I toss him my truck keys and he and half the guys take off to Madden’s place to pick-up the cannons so we might test them.
Earlier, I figured that each square of the 8×8 matrix I’m working on could be 1 meter square. However real BINGO numbers go to 75, so I’d have to use an odd shape, like 5×15 target area.
First, we need to see how the cannons are going to work.
Luckily, I’ve got a lockbox in the bed of my truck. In there I have a nice little selection of black and gun powder, dynamite (40-50-60-70% Herculene Xtra-Fast), some bricks of C-4, RDX, PETN and the usual assortment of blasting caps, cannon fuse, variable millisecond delay caps, blasting cap super-boosters, a couple of galvanometers, as well as a few handheld and floor-model detonators.
Some combination of these should put the bowling ball up in a ballistic trajectory where it’ll come down somewhere on the grid. That area will be flagged and the number read out by the guys who will be riding quads out in the field. I’ve researched the innumerable types of games one can play with bingo (remembering to order the Bingo Cards), and chosen 4 to be run, to keep it somewhat simple. We have to determine the cost of cards and the types of payouts.
I’ll run by and see Father Rivera at the local Catholic Church. He should be a fountain of bingo knowledge. He was helpful to the idea that each cash payout had to be larger than the last, so plan accordingly.
The guys show up with the finished cannons, all painted a different color (red, green, blue and black) and half a trailer full of slightly scorched bowling balls.
We use a boom arm off the Cat to pick up the cannons and site them sort of where we plan to put the ‘shooting gallery’. I walk back from my truck with an assortment of explosives and explosive paraphernalia.
“School’s about to commence, guys. Gather ‘round.”, I say to all present.
I go through about an hour’s worth of explanation and discourse on the care and feeding of explosivores. I show what small samples of every explosive I carry does in both confined and unreconstructed areas.
I do think I got their attention when I made a full 40-ounce beer bottle simply disappear with the addition of one of my home-brew binary liquids.
Don’t worry. It was just Old English Malt Liquor. No great loss.
I supervised the setting up of a cannon with some black powder. We could ignite electrically or just use some cannon fuse.
“Cannon fuse? What do you use that for?”
“My cannons.”
Obviously.
So, I estimated that a half-pound of Fourxxxx would give the first ball the proper trajectory. We aligned the thing the best we could (as it had no sights, this was being done solely by seat-of-one’s-pants trial and error), charged the cannon, added a projectile and made certain it was seated snugly, but not too tightly. We ran over the full-fledged Safety Dance, cleared the compass, tootled the area with our airhorns and at the count of FIRE!
I had Kit light the ceremonious first fuse.
“K-BLAMMMM!”
Not too bad. Except we overshot the grid by ~550 yards and the only way we could estimate the landing area of the bowling ball was by the splash and irritated trout of the Lower San Juan River.
“And that, my friends,” I said seriously, “Is why you have dry runs and an open firing range.”
The rest of the day was taken up with both testing different combinations of explosives and recording the results. We had a couple of quad bikes on loan from the local sand rail company, so I had the guys take turns going out, running down the ball’s landing zone and calculating the distance and accuracy.
Around ball number 12, we were getting consistent results with both C-4 and PETN. All it took was a bit of gimbaling on the cannon’s major axis and we had the problem well in hand and the cannons dialed in pretty damn well.
I figured to make a buck or two extra, we could charge folks a small donation to tilt the cannon one direction or another and maybe, charge them for upping or reducing the charge volume.
“Step right up, folks”, I can imagine, “Drop a dollar for a degree and a fiver for the charge.”
Thinking that if people were really watching their cards, they’d want any sort of edge to get that final number, especially with a growing jackpot.
We had contracted one of the electrical shops in town to build a tote-board 5×15 with the letters BINGO alight. That way, people could see where we were hitting, what numbers were officially “off the board” as we’d light a LED on that particular square and where they might shift a cannon to hit one or more preferred numbers.
We also devised a ruler, of sorts, that was divided into quarters. Any question of the bowling ball impacted in one number or another, we’d employ the divider. Whichever had the greatest coverage, well, that was the number.
This was set up in the rules beforehand and posted at the shooting gallery and other areas around the park.
Since this was to be a more-or-less charitable event, we had to figure out the cost for parking (turned out to be free), cost of various beers (between $1 and $4), our take from the food court (we decided on 25%), how much to pay security (the voted and did it for free beer of which my say was absolute), and various other things like “which charity?”
Most everyone was donating some time or effort or materials, so no one wanted any pay other than free admittance. We even had a couple of farmers almost come to loggerheads as to who could provide a more elegant petting zoo.
The organizers held a conclave and decided that the bulk of the funds accrued would go to the local kid’s sports collective. Another chunk of change was to go to the recently closed (for financial reasons) public natatorium in town to get it back up to specs and operating, as well as another portion going to the Oilfield Widows and Orphans fund, and the last going to the library to update their rather meager collections.
What we didn’t expect that once word got out about out little plan, that more of the local businessmen wanted space in the park to peddle their wares.
Their wares being CBD, pot, edibles, and other such botanicals in this most enlightened state.
We said “Sure, but we don’t have a lot of room. We never expected this sort of interest”.
To which, they replied that they don’t need a whole lot of room and would set up between the already established vendors.
The upshot was “Fine. Come one, come all. Just check to see if this is all legal and come on down. First come, first served.”
It was all taking shape, and we even found a printer in town that would print up posters for the soiree and help with their distribution.
We actually had to turn away vendors of such things as mobile phones, double-glazed windows and gutter cleaning services.
We had run down all the legalities when Zach mentioned that his cousin was a local police officer, and that we should let them know of out plans.
“Sure”, I said, “Why not?”
We still had a section of dying trees that needed attention so one bright and early Thursday morning, everyone assembled over by the trees and the old tree cemetery that probably extended back centuries.
I started in by knocking down a couple of ancient, though riddled, elms. These were big trees, some 1.5 meters in diameter, 100’ tall and heavier than a whore’s conscience. Even with the renovated Cat, they were just too massive and uncooperative to drop and get horizontal.
“Alf”, I said, tossing him my keys, “Go bring my truck over. We’re going to have to change tactics here a bit.”
He was back within minutes, and was wondering what I was now pulling out of my truck’s lockbox.
I produced a 2-cycle gas-operated SkilDrill, complete with Forestry Suppliers extendable drill/augecore bits.
It fired up almost instantly and I instructed where to drill on the old trees to best facilitate the reception of a few sticks of the detonating chemical persuasion.
Kit worked the dozer on some of the outlying trees, and even with its new overhaul, it just couldn’t quite muster up enough oomph to shift some of the larger trees.
While some of the still standing Live Oak were larger than the poor, afflicted elms.
“Better living through chemistry”, I snickered.
I charged and primed a couple of the larger trees and a couple of the more ancient stumps. I wanted shattering, detonating explosions, so I went with liquid binaries (an old Moldovan recipe) on the stumps and a combination of RDX and PETN on the still standing, though leaning, elms.
I decided that this was the place that fuses would be best used. I wanted the binaries to fire first and then, the elms and their charges.
Kit and crew took off in my truck and parked a good 750 meters away. I had an idling quad as I set to the business of lighting off various fuses in their proper sequence.
Just as I lit the final fuse, I jumped, well, got in a hurry, on the quad. I headed for Kit and the crew when I see a number of local constabulary and their new cruisers headed my way. If they didn’t abort soon, we’d intersect at a point less than 100 meters from ground zero.
Not good.
So, I drove at full tilt towards them and waving like a madman, convinced them to reverse and perhaps not park so close to a few hundred tons of afflicted, and smoldering, wood.
We rendezvous over by my truck, with Kit and crew hunkered down on the lee side. I yelled for the cops to do likewise. An errant 250-pound piece of dead oak or elm tree could certainly muss up one’s day.
There were 5 of them and they were all carping about how we didn’t do this or have that when suddenly, everybody standing lost their footing.
“Great!”, I exclaimed, “Those binaries work a treat!”
The police were just about to get up and dust themselves off when there was a series of mighty roars, all being liberated at over 19,000’ per second from my handy-dandy RDX-PETN mixtures.
“That’s six”, I said as I stood, “That’s all of them”.
I grabbed some binoculars and looked to the west. There were several large smoking holes, several huge hunks of tree stumps and not a single tree left upright.
“It worked great!”, I said to Kit and crew. “Beats hacking away with chainsaws, especially in this weather.”
“Who is responsible for all this?” one of the cops I didn’t recognize said apoplectically.
“That would be me”. I said and extended a hand for a manly handshake.
“And who the hell are you”, he asked.
Kit, the crew and the rest of the cops looked at him like he sprouted cabbages.
“I am Doctor Rocknocker. BS, MS, MS again, PhD, DSC and holder of International Master Blasters Certifications. Want to see the paperwork?” I asked, slightly huffed.
“Oh, ah. No”, He sputtered. “We were told to come over here and get a briefing on what you all were planning.”
“Or you could have gone to city hall and view the documents there.” I said, slightly perturbed.
“You plan to do this for your upcoming festival?” He asked.
“No”, I replied, “we’re using much smaller punt guns to launch bowling balls.”
“Then what was that?” he exclaimed as he pointed to the still smoldering pile of trees.
“That”, I replied, “Is my partial payment to the landowner here for use of his property.”
I stayed to chat with the police, as Kit and the crew took the Cat over to see what they could move around now.
Everything turned out fine, as they missed my red warning flags indicating that I was planning on doing some blasting.
“Gents”, I said, “Are you not trained in the finer points of high explosives?”
Then there was the issue of the SIDE TRIP.
Es and I were going to take a day or 5, go down to Mexico and procure the opening/closing fireworks
Dramatic carsone: My truck: 2023 Dark Red (Burgundy) Dodge Ram 3500. Cap for bed. AKA: “The Pig”.
Es’ car: 1997 Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet Value: AKA: “The Brown Bitch”.
Es was growing tired of her old Porsche. Especially when I was off in my truck doing oilfield things and she had to stuff 250 pounds of recalcitrant Khan into her car for a quick vet trip.
“But you always told me you wanted a Porsche.” I complained.
“Yeah”, Es replied, “I did, but that was then. This in now. You’re gone a lot and I need a bigger vehicle.”
“OK”, I replied, “Your call. What are you looking at?”
“Well”, Es smiled, “There’s this Old Cutlass that I’ve had my eye on...”
I looked at the Internet ad.
Oh, sweet baby Jesus...
Look, I may be a Boomer Gearhead, but my wife eclipses that many-fold.
She’s looking at a fucking serious muscle car.
I got over muscle cars when I blew the 401CI V-8 out of my ‘77 Gremlin years ago.
Now I look for heavy duty, relative large comfort, and ability to haul tons of stuff.
So, off we went to Erdemont, OK.
We found the owner of the car out in the depths of an ancient barn. It appeared he had lived here his entire life.
“You want to be looking at my Olds?” He inquired.
“Yeah”, I replied, “My wife wants to step up from her old Porsche.”
He went over and inspected Es’s car.
For some reason, it was a cream-puff he had to have.
I told Es to go look at his other cars. I needed room to schmooze.
He wanted $105k for the Olds.
He would give $85k for Brown Bitch.
He dropped to $90k and upped BB to $90k.
I lit a cigar and produced a bottle of Kentucky Rye whiskey.
An hour later, we swapped pink slips.
Es is still over the moon.
In case you’re wondering, here’s the details on Es’s new ride: 1984 Hurst/Olds Cutlass: Blocked and blueprinted 455 CI V8, Offenhauser heads/valve covers/blower riser, Jahn’s racing pistons, 4.526-inch bore and 4.75-inch stroke cam, Series 08/61 S/S Crager rims, Mickey Thompson Sportsman S/R 17130QT 325-50D-15 radial ‘RunHot’ DOT Tires, Holley Double Pumper twin 4-barrel carbs, twin Precision on-demand turbos, +36 psi boost, NOX system, and Wilwood racing brakes.
The car’s V-8 dynos at 873 horsepower and around 777 pound-feet of torque. Hurst Lightning Rods Triple Shifter: far right performs the shift from first to second gear. To get up to third gear, use the middle lever. Or leave the lever on the far left in either “D” for Drive or “OD” for Overdrive. One lever could get the job done with the four-speed overdrive automatic; but where’s the fun in that?
It sports “47 coats of hand-rubbed Candy Grape deep purple” lacquer. Button-tucked custom chrome-gray leather interior.
“Deep Purple”. Its new moniker.
Plus it sports an 8-track player.
It was the 8-track player that pushed me over the line.
So, we are now cruising from Oklahoma at near warp-speed towards the Mexican border.
“Are you really this tired of life or are you just seeing what this thing will do?” I asked as we passed a defunct Weigh Station at 123 mph.
“I’m just trying to sort this all out”, Es smiled a mile wide. “Hang on, I’m going to hit the blowers...”
Very much of the scenery between Oklahoma and Mexico passed as a painted blur.
“Pulled out of San Pedro late one night.
The moon and the stars was shinin' bright.
We was drivin' up Grapevine Hill
Passing cars like they was standing still.
Now I thought she'd lost all sense
And telephone poles looked like a picket fence.
I said "Slow down! I see spots!
The lines on the road just look like dots."
We passed an ICE immigration post at 147 miles per hour; the car purring like a Cheshire Cat with a deep, dark secret.
“Es, darling. Could we slow down a bit?” I implored.
“Well, OK”, Es replied. “Spoilsport. I never got the second turbo to kick in...”
Remind me to phone Geico when we return home and up our policies…
Down in Mexico, we purchased enough ordnance to stockpile a third-world nation. If fact, the trunk was so full, we put the spares in the backseat. We then lined the backseat with more aerials, ground effects and boomer-busters than should be allowed.
It took some serious talking and hand-outs to get back into the US.
“No, really”, I explained. “It for my research. Into seismic events. In the San Juan Basin.”
“No, really”, I explained, “I am globally fully certified Class-A explosives expert.”
“No, really”, I explained, “I’m just getting supplies for the Fourth of July.”
Well, that didn't work worth a shit, so I slipped them a couple of new Benjamins and the next thing you know, we’re in Truth or Consequences dawdling over a breakfast of enchiladas, burritos and smothered tacos.
Now, driving home from Mexico to New Mexico with fireworks can be a thrilling yet potentially risky endeavor. So what if you take a few risks? That’s where the fun is…
Anyways, it's more or less essential to be aware of the regulations regarding transporting fireworks across borders, as they can vary between countries and states.
Here are some key points to consider:
Legal Regulations: Make sure you're aware of the laws regarding fireworks in both Mexico and New Mexico. Transporting certain types of fireworks may be restricted or even prohibited. However, this doesn’t apply if you’re certified internationally and well known in this part of the world.
Safety Precautions: Ensure that the fireworks are properly secured and stored during transit to prevent any accidents or damage. Keep them away from any potential sources of ignition. Don’t leave them in the sun, near ashtrays or next to smoldering cigars. Words to live by...
Documentation: Carry all necessary paperwork, including receipts or permits for the fireworks, especially if they are large quantities or commercial-grade. Or, just be certified and pay bribes. Eh’. Either way.
Border Crossing: Be prepared for possible inspections at the border. Declare the fireworks to the customs officials and follow their instructions. Failure to declare or attempting to smuggle fireworks across borders can lead to serious legal consequences. More bribery. Or, as I like to call it, “pump priming”. “Benjamins, mis amigos!”
Transportation Vehicle: Ensure that the vehicle you're using for transportation is suitable for carrying fireworks safely. Avoid overcrowding the vehicle or storing fireworks in a manner that could cause them to shift or fall during transit. Make sure it’s runs like a raped ape. Speed thrills or something like that. Faster and faster ‘till the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death.
Route Planning: Plan your route carefully, taking into account any restrictions or regulations regarding the transportation of fireworks. Avoid areas with high fire risk, especially during dry seasons. Or, just stick to the blacktop superslab when trying to establish new land-speed records.
Emergency Preparedness: Have a plan in place in case of emergencies, such as a fire or accident involving the fireworks. Carry fire extinguishers and other safety equipment in the vehicle. Or just jettison that which is smoking when it shouldn’t be. Scares the hell out of returning coyotes and nervous cartel members.
Local Regulations: Upon reaching New Mexico, familiarize yourself with any additional state or local regulations regarding the storage and use of fireworks. Or just drive like hell and get the car in the garage as soon as possible and avoid all the paperwork frivolities.
Remember, safety should always be the top priority when transporting fireworks. If you're unsure about any aspect of the process, it's best to seek guidance from authorities or legal experts to ensure compliance with all relevant regulations. Or just use common sense, drive mostly at night and carry large, heavy caliber sidearms. Equip your ride with ample cup holders and ash trays.
We blew past Socorro, Albuquerque and Bernalillo like they weren’t even there. We did slow down in Cuba to stop at the Cuba Cafe for Navajo Tacos, Fry Bread and Liver and Onions.
Best damned liver and onions this side of my kitchen.
Further north and somewhat west, Es lightly tapped the brakes, spun us in a slick 180⁰ degree Bootlegger Spin, and backed perfectly into our garage.
I was secretly thrilled when the garage door clattered closed as Es’ car rumbled down like the old Adam West-version Batmobile. Sure, it cost a ton in gas, but once I get this record ratified, we’ll have something else to charge after…
Khan was pleased once we got all of the ordnance out of the new car as he staked his claim on the Old’s back seat; something he couldn’t do in the Porsche Brown Bitch.
Also, someone once again borrowed my truck without telling me.
I hope.
Enough of this nonsense. Everything’s locked in my two back yard explosives sheds (Yes. 2 sheds…) and I need a stiff drink or seven, a new cigar and a few laps around our new Jacuzzi. Es and I designed one around a South West US fire-pit, bar-be-que, wet bar, and media center.
It’s already 0300 and we’re floating in our own personal worlds. Es has granted me the necessary time to complete our ball park-Bingo Hall mission, but that’s for tomorrow. And in the words of the famous philosopher Felix E. Feist, ‘tomorrow is another day’.
G’night, all. YAWN.
The dawn broke ridiculously bright and sunny as so often happens when there’s no mesotropical storms in the area. The sky was blue as a newborn baby’s veins and the dawn clear and uncluttered as a fake royal lineage.
I woke, looked out side and grumbled: “Bloody weather”.
I’m often a grumpy curmudgeon before my first coffee.
Bolstered by a large, black Kona, an equally large and black Camacho Triple Maduro, along with a phone call from Rick that he had my truck, the morning was shaping up to be something that might not only be tolerated, but potentially actually enjoyed.
Khan was already fed and had his walkies. Luckily our next-door neighbor’s kid Igor loved walking Khan.
Seems no one gave him the tiniest bit of shit when he’s out walking Khan.
Es had run into town to secure some floss or twine or barbed wire or something for her latest needlepoint project. This should keep her busy for hours.
The guys worked diligently while Es and I were out and about. Good thing, too, as the festival night was rapidly approaching.
I wondered about another coffee when my goddamned work phone began to warble.
“Shit, shit, shit!”, I growled. “Not now. Go call someone else...”
“Yeah?”, I said gruffly into the rap-rod. “What do you want?”
It was the County Commissioner.
“Yeah, Jerry?”, I said.
Well, some county employee had mown too close to a small gas well, of which there are about 800,000 in the San Juan Basin.
Clipped it, upset one or another metal-to-metal seals and the damn thing caught fire.
“Just what the fuck I need.” I groused.
“Where, when and how?”, I asked Jerry.
“Yeah. OK. I know the area. As soon as I can retrieve my truck, I’ll go out and handle it. What? No, this one I’ll handle alone. Get your check writing machine going, Jer, I charge triple for emergencies.”
As far as oil-gas well fires go, this one was a sparkler compared to some of the 48” Japanese shells I’ve handled. Got a hold of Rick and he hotfooted it back with my truck (after he cleaned out the empties and cleared the ashtrays). The fire was about 12 miles distant and after I dropped Rick off at the fairgrounds, I gave him orders for the day.
“I’m out of pocket for a few hours”, I informed him. “You’re in charge until I get back. You know the routine. Get everything up and running, I want a dry-run when I return.”
Rick appreciated that when I put someone in charge of a project, I mean it. I also me that if you do well, you’ll be handsomely rewarded. If you fuck up, however, then the 2,000-pound shithammer’s gonna fall.
I trust Rick and the rest of my crew. I fully expect everything to be standing tall and looking good when I return.
I jump in my truck, smell the inevitable aroma of some Mexican Agriculture (which is very legal hereabouts) and notice my truck has recently been run through the local Pep-Boys cleaning and detailing service.
Fair dinkum, mate.
On my way to the well, I made a series of calls. I let the operator know that I was on the job, I let Jerry know I was en-route. I let the others, whom shall remain nameless, sit and stew.
“Listen, Agent Rack”, I said into my brand new, Government issued cell phone telephone, “I know it’s been a while and you and Agent Ruin are champing at the but to get back in the field, but after that last little tadoo in Russia and Ukraine, I’m not so sure I want to be associated with you types.”
Both agents gasped in disbelief. They were well trained, by some of the greatest divas in the business, how to feign emotions and act all put out when they were really just bored and wanted out of the office.
“OK”, I finally relented, “This job is a doddle. Even if I dawdle, my pipe won’t even get to the dottle on this job.”
“OK, fine”, I finally relented. “If I’m not working on this little blowout, then you can meet me over at the County Fairgrounds and help me run through the exhibits and games. In fact, that’s be a good use of your time here. That way, I can write all of this off and have the Agency foot the bill.”
They readily agreed and noted they’d be seeing me in no less than 4 hours.
“I can hardly wait”, I replied to what I suspected was already a dead phone.
“Kids...”, I said in head-shaking amusement as Rack and Ruin, Senior Agents all, we fully 20 years my junior.
And I never let a moment pass when I could remind them of this temporal anomaly.
I knew just about where the fire was by the density ripple emanating off the smooth plain. I drove up to the wee little pumpjack and say it was still burning.
“Pfft.”, I pffted. “Only 400 pounds on the static gauge.” No oil. No condensate. Just a gasser that blowing out of a small orifice created when some county knothead mowed too closely to the thing and bumped it off kilter.
I decided that I could handle this by myself.
I got into my hot suit, the spiffy super-reflective silver one with the internal air conditioning, and picked out a likely-looking sledgehammer.
To be continued…

Roll…roll…roll…
KER-SMASH!
“Good one, Rock. One more and you’ve got yourself a turkey.” Parker Markle, owner of the bowling establishment, noted.
“Thanks, Parker”, I said, thankfully accepting another longneck, “You still going on with your renovations here?”
“Damn straight!”, he replied, “I’ve got me investors, I’ve got me plans, and I’ve even got me real building permits this time…”
Two weeks later, we’re standing out in front of Parker’s still smoldering bowling alley and Parker is on the verge of tears.
“God damn shame”, I said, trying to commiserate my friend.
“Fucking squatters. Can’t even start on the renovations without these bastards…We chuck’em out of your place and the fuckers burn the place down. Hear from the local constabulary yet?”
“Yeah”, he snuffs, “Fucker’s ain’t got a hard dollar among them; nor two cents in their heads. Sure, I can sue, but to what purpose? Look at the place. I had my investors…I had plans…I’m well and truly fucked, Rock.”
“How much you out? “I asked, “How much you need to rebuild and remodel?”
“Oh, fuck me”, Parker trembled, “At least $55-60 thou. Where the fuck am I supposed to come up with that sort of scratch?”
Ker-ching!
I chucked my empty into the bin.
SPANG!
Parker immediately, without asking, dips into the ever-present cooler and hands me an icy-cold one.
In return, I hand Parker my business Rhodium American Express card.
“What’s this?”, he asks.
“It’s my entry into the world of keggeling and conspicuous consumer consumption” I chuckled.
“What the fuck?”, Parker asked, brow furrowed like the early spring marijuana fields hereabouts.
“Use it to order your needful things”, I said, “I’ve got way more than 60 thou free on the card. I mean, let’s not go nuts…”
“You mean?” He asked, quizzically.
“Yep.”, I replied, “Your wishes have been answered…sort of.
Parker looks at me with wide, wondering eyes.
“I’m your god-damned partner.” I smiled as I lit a huge Oscuro cigar; channeling Marion Ravenwood.
“Oh, fuck”, Parker suddenly breaks into a mile-wide smile. “We’re going to be the first bowling alley to have a walk-in humidor, aren’t we?”
“Fuckin-A, Bubba.”, I chuckle, “Plus a Class-A liquor license. Enough of this Class-B slinging beer for bucks bullshit, we’re going to have us a real tavern here on the green…”
“Let me get my plans”, Parker laughs, “I never thought of going the Class-A direction.”
“We’re going to serve more than pre-nuked wings and slate-board pizza.” I said, “We’re going to have 75 lanes, a full-service tavern, walk-in humidor, 80s arcade, and real fucking food. I remember you going on and on about it before the fire. Well, I haven’t forgotten what you’re dreaming about, so fuck it, let’s just do it.”
“It might go a bit past 60 large”, Parker said, slightly uncertainly.
“Let’s just keep it under 100k and for the love of grog, don’t say anything to Esme…”, I pleaded with Parker.
“I’ll do my best”, Parker said, as a manly handshake ensued.
“This could be the start of a beautiful friendship” I nattered.
Between my American Express card and Parker’s insurance pay out, we’ve got more than enough to start selecting contractors and hire us a security team. We’ve had the plans drawn up, had all the blueprints drafted, reviewed and OK’ed by the various governmental departments.
We are ready to tear down what remains of the old place, groom the land, and begin our re-build.
But first, there’s this little problem neither of us had foreseen.
What the fuck are we going to do with over 1,500 scorched pins and 800 or so blistered bowling balls?
We’ve already ordered all new pinsetters, pins and balls; so, what to do with all the leftovers…?
What to do?
What to do?
Of course! We hold a pre-opening carnival and sell tickets to a bowling ball mortar game.
No shit! Carve out a big-ass target out in some field, and fire bowling ball mortars. The closest ticket to where the ball lands wins.
We can worry about the details later.
First, I need to gin-up a set of bowling ball mortars. We’re going to introduce the southwest to Bowling Ball Bingo!
Hell. We’ll make it a huge pre-opening event: bowling ball punt guns, food trucks, local music, games of skill, food trailers, local brewery participation, drinking and merry making.
Still going to need some bowling ball cannons.
But first, we’ll need a place to hold the festivities.
No worries.
Y’see. I know this guy…
Now, in town, there’s been a lot of building. In fact, it looks overly developed.
However, go outside of town a couple of miles, and it’s heavily rural, fallow, and all agrarian.
Then there happens to be an old Junior League baseball diamond that’s been closed for years and in an advanced stage of neglect and derelictitis. However, it’s right off the main exit highway and nestled up closely to the San Juan River. Loads and loads of area to expand and have a nice little festivity.
I know the owner, the venerable ol’ bean Gilberto Cabrera.
So, I load up with beer and cigars and drive over to see Gilberto.
He’s outside his one-up, two-down, three across shotgun shack, sipping warm Modeles and cursing every aspect of life he’s currently been assigned.
I roll up and Gilberto instinctively reaches for his trusty double-barreled Ruger, gauge of 12.
“Whoa!”, I shout. “Just me, Gil. Kindly ol’ Doctor Rock.”
“What the fuck do you want?”, he growls.
“Hey!”, I yell, “Use low tones, or you can’t have any of the goodies I brought back from Canada.”
He props the shotgun over in a corner and being the avaricious old bastard he normally is, he bids me over to the porch to have a rag-chew and he a rifle of my truck’s built-in humidor.
I wander up and present him some pure maple syrup, fresh from Walmart, a half dozen cigars and a cold 12 pack of straight from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s (“The beer refreshing”).
We sit and catch up with each other. He’s an old widower and never had time for kids, so he’s grateful to have someone at least approximately his age to rabbit on with. He’s either 70 or 125, or somewhere in between.
It’s hard to tell with some of these old, wrinkly types.
Anyways, I broach the subject of ‘borrowing’ his land in and adjacent to the old ballpark.
“What fer?” He asks.
“Well,” I reply between sips of some recently obtained Kentucky Firewater, “Parker Markle and I are partners in a new rebuild of his bowling alley, which the squatters burned to a crisp once we got the local fuzz to chuck’em out.”
“Aye?”, he scowls, “Bastards. What does that have to do with me?”
“We decided to hold an impromptu festival, a couple of days, for grand re-opening, where we’d get some folk in to cater the event, with music, maybe some carnival-type rides, local food trucks and trailers, petting zoo for the kids, maybe a pick-up softball game or two and (saving the best for last) Bowling Ball Bingo.”
“What the hell’s that last one?” He wondered.
“Well, we’ve got nearly 1,000 old and slightly scorched bowling balls from the fire. Parker’s got new stock coming in with the insurance money. So, what better way to dispose of old bowling balls by building a couple of cannons, firing the balls skyward and have them fall on some prepared ground? The ground with have a checkerboard of letters and numbers, and instead of popping up little balls at the local Catholic Church, we use bowling ball cannons to choose?”
“Gil looks at me and scoffs, “Y’know, it’s not been really too quiet around here since you moved in. I know you’re a Master Blaster, but what do you really do?”
“Nothing too exciting,” I snicker, “I just snuff oil and gas well fires.”
“Hrumph”, he snorts, “No wonder it’s like the Fourth of July hereabouts every weekend.”
“A man’s gotta stay in practice”, I chuckle back.
We both have a snort and I produce new cigars. We spend the next few hours drafting up an agreement where we can use his land to hold the festival.
But the land and facilities are in a sad state of repair.
So, I promise to fix it up if he loans it to us for pre-opening weekend.
OK, but the facilities need paint, weed removal, blading for parking, Porta Johns, marking of parking areas, etc.
I tell Gil that’s fine. We’ll do all the work necessary to get his 40-acre donation ready for the big weekend. I also agreed to cede the finished area over to the Junior League baseball concern when we’re finished. As well as give the Jr. League 5% of the take, as the area is impoverished and any little help would be smiled upon greatly.
Gil also wants a nice, little honorarium to the tune of 5% of the gate.
“Sorry, Gil”, I replied, “But that’s a NCD (No Can Do). But I’ll let you sit in the security shack and keep an eye on the gate and warn about any potential trouble”.
He seemed less than amused.
“The gate will be right next to the beer garden and I could arrange it so that you could receive free beer in exchange for your time and sharp eye.” I noted.
The ink on the agreement wasn’t yet dry when Gil stated calling for his free beer.
“In a couple weeks, Gil”, I said, handing him a 12-pack of Blatz. “This’ll hold you until then.
He was deliriously happy. Free beer. Free cigars. A minuscule dose of power over his neighbors.
“Today is going to be a long day”, I noted to myself as I pulled out of Gil’s driveway.
First order of business was getting my old D-6 Caterpillar Dozer up and running. However, it needs some work.
I’ve got an idea, but the more it fleshed out, the more I felt like Hawkeye Pierce trying to get a new pair of boots from the Army.
I think I can nuke several birds with one stone: A trip to see Clay Smith about pipe for four bowling ball cannons.
I’ve known Clay for years and he’s one of the reasons we’ve settled in the area. He runs a fabricating/machine shop and that means I don’t need to buy an outbuilding to build my own metal shop.
After the obligatory handshakes, beers and cigars, we get down to brass tacks.
Well, CRA monel steel actually.
Found some 12.000" OD {A} x 8.600" ID {B} x 3.400" Wall {C} DOM Steel CRA casing, actually from the US Navy and once was part of a battleship’s complement; unknown which boat was the donor.
Perfect for 4 cannons.
CRA refers Corrosion Resistant Alloy; special pipe composited by two different materials including inner pipe and outer pipe. Inner CRA layer (0.25~26.0mm) normally such as Stainless steel, Duplex, Nickel alloy, Titanium, Hastelloy, Monel, etc., which are suitable for high corrosion environment.
Outer base material could be seamless or welded, SAWL, SAWH, ERW, HFW, or DSAW carbon steel pipe. The carbon steel substrate provides the required strength and the CRA cladding/lining provides the adequate corrosion resistance to the product being transported. The dissimilar metals that are present through the thickness of the pipe wall bring certain challenges to welding of clad/lined pipes, because welding of such pipes is usually carried out from the outside, using a single-sided welding technique
Clay needs some welding consumables, and will cut and polish the pipe for me if I find him a special CRA cutter-welder.
So, off to see Madden Martin at his welding shop.
“Madden, I need to borrow your CRA welder.” I notify him.
“Sure, what for?”, he asks.
“I’m building bowling ball cannons.” I replied.
“Oh. OK”, retorts Madden, thoroughly nonplussed with the day’s turn of events.
Sure, I can borrow the welder, all I need is to get him some good Wisconsin beer.
After a trip to the house, Madden loads the CRA welder into my truck after he offloads 2 cases of Blatz Light Cream Ale, 2 Cases of Leinenkugel’s, 2 cases of Point (“When you’re out of Point, you’re out of town”) and 2 cases of Spotted Cow from New Glarus.
I drop off the cutting welder to Clay and Javan Elliott, his second in command. We sit and chew the rag for a while, as his minions, of which he has thousands it seems, do the needful.
With the flick of the forklift, they load the 4 cut sections of the bowling ball punt guns in my truck.
Back to see Madden and we discuss his “kids” (apprentices) that are going to be helping me make the bowling ball cannons.
All it cost me was another couple of cases of beer and a box of ridiculously expensive cigars.
There are 6 “kids”:
2 Native American (Navajo): Shizhe'E (Navajo), Atsidi (Navajo),
2 Hispanic (by way of Old Mexico): Hector Manzanares, Richardo Sanchez (really) and,
A pair of local Heinz-57 variety Norteamericanos: Zachary Gibson and Alfie Walsh.
They all spoke passable English, and with my intense Oilfield Spanish, we could still communicate.
First, came the really dirty work. The pipe sections needed to be swaged, that is, drifted to see if they were the proper dimensions.
Any underage had to be filled with weld and then ground to specs. Any overages had to be ground down to specs.
This steel is about a 65-68 Rockwell hardness.
FYI: Rockwell hardness refers to how resistant a metal object is to penetration and permanent deformation from another material. It’s a measuring system of non-destructive metallurgical testing that determines how hard and strong steel truly is.
Truth is, it’s tougher than hammered nails. Way tougher, more like high-speed steel in circular form. However, it’s great for lateral compression and tension resistance, but prone to quench cracking. Quench cracks result from stresses produced during the transition from austenite to martensite, which involves an increase in volume. The martensitic transformation starts at the outermost surfaces of the part being quenched.
In other words, when there’s a phase change in the steel, it must be tempered or annealed slowly. So, a temperature shift greater than 300C must be done slowly or the metal cracks like an old soft-boiled eggshell.
I spent the rest of the day designing the cannons, and once that was done, explaining the blueprint to the gang of 6. They listened intently, asked non-stupid questions and generally came to impress me with the knowledge and work ethic.
The next day, I dropped back over to Madden’s and viewed the finished products.
They built the cannons beautifully. I checked them over and they were in specs every single measurement. They had acid-dipped them to get rid of the mill scale and then, went ahead and laid out the jobs.
It seems trivial, but many, even older hands, will do that in the opposite order. Here’s how errors creep in and begin to multiply.
I swaged each bore with a bowling ball I’d liberated from the old alley and it snugged into each like a Joey snugs into Mamma Roo.
I figured I could use these guys to help renovate the ballpark. I ask Madden if I can poach them for the duration of the build.
Madden readily agrees.
As long as they’re OK with a new boss and I’ll pay their way:

1. Beer.
3. Cigars.
5. $350/day.
6. Plus, I needed to teach them the basics of detonics.

Since this was Friday, I paid up for their day’s work and told them to meet me, bright and early (~0800) at the ballpark.
Six voices, in unison and several languages, agreed they’d be there with bells on.
That, I thought, would be interesting to see…
Saturday morning; I had my boon friend, Cat-skinner and all-around good guy, William “Kit” Carson come to the house and help me maneuver the old Cat 6 onto its trailer.
The beast is an old 1977 D6D model, with 140 original horsepower. The D6 is a versatile machine that can be used for a variety of tasks. It is commonly used in construction, mining, and agricultural applications. It is a great choice for clearing land, grading, and road building. It can also be used for digging and pushing materials, as well as for light demolition work. The machine is capable of pushing large loads and can handle most types of terrain.
I took it in trade for a job I did leveling out an old, abandoned limestone quarry that the owner was standing to lose via fines some ~US$50,000/day. He procrastinated and postponed, but did none of the US Government required remediation to the old rip-rap quarry once he finally wrung every peso out of that old hole.
It cost me a few cases of dynamite, a shitload of ANFO, a water well rig and a number of shotholes; but once we were finished, the place resembled a Kmart parking lot rather than the dark side of the moon.
But he didn’t have the cash to pay me and my crew, so I took his old D6 to hold while he generated some cash flow.
He died intestate some 14 months later. I submitted my bills to his estate and they basically said to keep the Cat, they’d sent the proper documents for title transfer, and we’d all call it a day.
So, I had a tinker item. I’d have Kit drop by when I was out of pocket and he could futz with the old girl and see if he could get her up to specs.
We replaced virtually every part on the tractor at one time or another. We stroked and bored the old powerplant and took her from ~140 BHP to around 500. Added a new turbocharger, since now we were residing at over 6,000’ AMSL. New tracks, pinions, trunnions, idlers, ripping hook, roller carrier, ad infinitum. New hoses, clamps, hydraulic cylinders…virtually jacked-up the radiator cap and inserted a new machine underneath.
She still was a cranky old bitch, and had to be kept warm and dry otherwise she’d sit and spit, sputter and smoke.
Yes, we were kindred spirits.
We teased her up onto the trailer and I backed my truck into the drive to hook-up. Luckily, the ballpark was less than 3 miles distant, as even my heavy-duty dualie truck was near it’s limit when it came to towing as the dozer tipped the Toledos at just over 37k pounds.
We all met over at the park and I immediately laid out an impromptu office on the hood of my truck. I had topo maps, aerial photos of the park, and after covering the maps over in vellum, I dragged out my drafting gear and started to sketch dimensions, and where things were going to go.
Kit had backed the dozer off the trailer and I battened everything down with old oil company map magnets and pulled my rig out of the way. I chose a spot under a copse of old-growth elms and live oak. The elms were afflicted with Dutch Elm Disease and the oaks had nasty cases of Live Oak Decline.
They were going to be removed and burned as per NOAA and BLM and half a dozen other alphabetic soup governmental agencies.
Besides, this is where the bingo board was to go.
Kit spent the best part of the day keeping the Cat running and training all of our international proteges. We took frequent breaks to go and rescue the Cat when Ricardo forget where the brake was and damn near drove into the Lower San Juan River or to ensure my charges were staying well hydrated.
The beer was locked in a cooler for when the drinking light was lit after 1700 hours.
Between them taking turns on learning how to speak “Cat”, Kit and the others often came by with ideas, comments and flat-out ridicule for how I was designing the park. Often, this required the liberation of some of my prime cigars.
Parker dropped by and informed me he had lined up 12 local food trucks for the two days, so we’d need parking, Porta Johns, running water and power for these guys.
“Fine”, I replied, “We now have a food court.”
“And well need parking”, Kit noted.
“How many cars at once? “, I asked.
“Best make it a thou”, He replied.
“Hmm…”, I hmm’ed. “The average car is a bit under 7′, but if you are driving them in, you need to park them far enough apart to allow exit on the driver’s side. So, allow 10′ width per car.
The average length is just under 15′. You can certainly park them close enough to allow 18′ per car, for backing and pulling out purposes.
While each acre of land contains 43,560 square feet, a simple mathematical computation shows if each parking space requires 180 square feet, 1 acre of land would accommodate 242 parking spaces. Of course, this assumes no turning lanes and each parking space is right next to each other. If a field that is 180 feet by 242 feet (approximately 1 acre) is designed with six rows of parking spaces with each parking space being approximately 10 feet by 18 feet and the traffic lanes are 24 feet wide, approximately 150 spaces can be designed. Therefore, there are three pairs of parking rows, each containing 48 spaces. The one-way traffic lanes are 12 feet wide and the two-way traffic lanes are 18 feet wide.”
“OK, I said aloud, “It looks like for a thousand cars at once, we’ll need about 7 acres. No problem. We’ve got nothing but space out here.”
“Problem”, Atsidi cautioned, “7 acres represent a long walk. Come in late and too far to drag the kids.”
“OK, clever dick”, I replied, “You and Shizhe’N are tasked with finding some shuttle buses. 25 or 30 person coaches that can just drive an ellipsoidal track around the parking areas. Let me know when, where and how much.”
“For two days?”, he asked.
“Nahh”, I said, “Let’s get them here a day early for a dry run. 3 days.”
“OK, bossman”, he smiled, “But we’ll need some greenery to grease those wheels…”
I peeled off a series of Benjamins from my wallet and gave them to them along with a register to sign.
“Everything on the up and up.”, I said, “I need receipts for everything. I’m going to keep sharp tabs on how much everything costs. Savvy?”
“Oh, yeah, Rock”, they both smiled, “We savvy goodly.”
“Wise-asses.” I snickered.
After lunch, we all sat around smoking and chatting. There were ideas being bounced all around. Some quite good, some a bit silly and some downright laughable.
To give you a rough idea of the layout, it all centered around the ballpark. It had bleachers, a bullpen, dugouts, rudimentary concession stands. And the ball diamond. The park was originally built for the local Little League, with base paths 70’ and pitching distance 50’. Over the years, it had been revived and now had 90’ base paths and 60.5’ pitching distances.
We decided that a fresh coat of paint would revive the old park and make it look more festive (and real). I reached out to several local businesses, and most bought advertisements on the outfield back fences. They’d supply the either canvas banners or plywood sheets with all the pertinent information about their company. Only cost $50/weekend, and it was tax deductible.
It was tax deductible since Esme pointed out our whole endeavor could be umbrellaed under as per the internal revenue code, a 501(c)3 is a nonprofit organization for religious, charitable, scientific, and educational purposes.
Donations to 501(c)3 are tax-deductible.
That helped grease the skids well and I had the lads out hammering and trying off canvas from the gusty Santa Ana-type winds that swept the area.
I won’t go over each and every event we had set for the park, but between Kit, myself and the guys, we had bladed down to the top Kirtland Shale roughly 8 acres for parking facilities. Kit took a turn and angled the main blade and inserted gutters around each acre of parking to facilitate drainage.
I built a Porta San farm that was close enough to the beer vendors yet far enough from the Food Court to be a convenience to all and a detriment to none. I even got the local Honey Wagon drivers to donate their time for a passel of free entrance and drinks tickets.
We had taken out ads in the local trades and dailies; as well as someone on the Internet built a page for the event.
We had a LOT of interest and actually had to turn away some potential partners as this was only a two-day affair. Evidently, a few groups had tried before, but never more that reviving the Little League and park. We went whole hog and decided it was going to be something with all the flavor of a State Fair, but we decided early on that a petting zoo for the kids was enough. I mean, the state actually still runs a real State Fair.
OK, we had a functional ballpark for Little through Senior League. Even had water piped in for the showers and real toilets, rather than Porta Johns. Along one side of the diamond, closer to the river, was the games and attractions area. A rectangle of ‘ping pong ball in the bowl to win a goldfish, to balloon shooting galleries and guess your weight/age’ type of attractions; along with some very, very sedate rides; carousel, mini-scrambler and a Squirrel Nut Zipper, as I recall.
Along the other side of the diamonds, was the food court. We had now some 18 trucks and trailers committed to the festivities. We were going to have funnel cakes, roast turkey legs, pickle-on-a-stick, some Mexican bakeries with all their delectables and one, oddly enough, all the way from Baja Canada hawking huge, ‘it takes two hands to handle’ cream puffs.
How that last one got wind of our little soiree was going to remain a mystery…
Then there was the entrance with ticket taker-sellers.
Of course, I had put in a specialty tent, with the help of no less than 7 local micro-breweries; a Beer Garden. We decided to just go with a Class B license and avoid all the potential nasties of both glass bottles (we only sold draft beer in Solo cozy-red cups) and high proof liquor.
There were, of course, a battalion of Porta Johns in close proximity to the Beer Garden.
We had a couple of the local oilfield service companies donate a fully functional and kitted out First Aid Station as well as a Security office.
Taking notes from the Chicago 1969 Republican party in Chicago, we put out feelers for large, tough people to enforce security if such was needed.
Thanks to Hector and Rick, we had the local motorcycle club, “The Rig Pigs” volunteer their services as security. These are guys that not only work in the Oil Patch but are also motorcycle aficionados. I know or have gotten to know every one of them, from Roughneck to Toolpusher to Rig Manager.
To be continued…

For my entire life (37M) I have been stuck with the burden of caring for my ailing and sick family members since I was a teenager.
My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and gradually wasted away over a six year period during my teens. During that time, my grandma was the one that cooked and cleaned the house while everybody else went to work or school. I was the youngest so I stayed home with her. I had to help her when she got more and more bedridden and naturally I took up the duties of cleaning and cooking. It got to the point where if I didnt cook, nobody ate that day or If I was too tired the house would pile up with trash. I had to roll her over to check for bed sores, change her clothes, bathe her, feed her, made sure she took her medications and neglected doing normal things a teen should be doing at my age.
When she eventually passed away it took a huge toll on the entire family, which lead to the downfall of my aunt and uncle. They were so dependent on my grandmother emotionally that they all ceased to function and in turn let themselves go entirely. My aunt was a chronic alcoholic with a smoking addiction and had serious type 2 diabetes and other chronic health issues. She was also a nurse, so trying to get her medical help was like pulling teeth from a cat. It was only four years after my grandmothers passing that I had to take care of her next after she became ill and bedridden enough to require medical attention around the clock. It got to the point where multiple appendages had to be amputated. I cooked, cleaned, bathed her, changed her clothes, made sure she took her medications and ignored any normal things a normal 20 year old would be doing like going to college. During this time I was in control of the finances, since nobody in my house can be trusted to handle money responsibly, I was forced to learn how to pay utility and mortgage bills at 16 years old.
When she eventually passed away, I was 22 years old and had no idea what real life was like outside of my home. I now had to keep a household together while dealing with fallout from the insurance money and the relatives in my life now congregating over my aunts corpse like flies. I was now a homeowner with four occupants that didnt understand that bills needed to be paid, and food needed to be bought in order to survive. My mom just drank and smoke till she passed out, my brother was a bi-polar psychopath who had tried on multiple occasions to kill me, my uncle was a dead beat alcoholic that drank a six pack in the morning, a 12 pack in the evening, and a 24 pack for dinner.
What I found out after my aunt passed away was that she was paying a 99% interest mortgage loan because she bowered against the original house back in the 90s and spent it on some fucking bullshit she was always buying from the QVC channel. it explained all the fucking garbage knicknacks and dolls she had cluttering her room and closet.
I tried to fight this in court, so I got to learn how the courts worked at 23, while dealing with relatives I never even heard of before coming at me for money, or a place to stay while paying a mortgage that barely even touched a percentage of it's initial debt. I had no idea what I was doing, and the mortgage company refused to even sniff in my direction. She left no will, or any sort of document detailing what to do in case of her death and If I didnt pay off the mortgage somehow I would be evicted.
I had to sell the house after getting a document claiming me as the inheritor of her estate after 3 years of playing back and forth with the courts but I only had a six month window to sell it before it expired. In the meantime I was going to college and living on my own, so when I went back to the house it was like walking into a dumpster fire. The entire house was like dilapidated and the floors were warped from where my brother and my uncle just pissed where they pleased after so much drugs and alcohol.
I had to leave my own place, drop out of college and fix the place myself. 98 bags of trash later, four months of work I fixed it as best I could. replaced the floors by hand, rebuilt the bathroom, rebuilt the backyard, fixed the roof, sanded and painted the interior and redid the plumbing. all the while living there and having to deal with my uncle and brother being crazy and violent. My uncles health started getting progressively worse at this time to the point where my dinning room ceiling would cave in repeatedly.
A process I documented when It was happening here with pictures https://www.neogaf.com/threads/i-live-with-the-most-disgusting-person-on-earth-long-ass-ranting.592776/
I sold that house after a long grueling and mentally and physically exhausting ordeal while dealing with a mentally unstable brother who refused to do anything but be a blockade in my attempts to sell the house since he saw me as the one who had taken his property and house that he never contributed to but had this inflated sense of entitlement to it because my family for some reason prioritized the first born as being special. Thats a whole other can of worms.
I move into a new place, and unfortunately my uncle is such a vile human being at this point nobody else would take him. Im once again thrust into the job of taking care of him. I refused to ever buy him alcohol no matter what but my mother and brother had no such claims. So I would come home from school and work and of course I was the only one who had to change his diapers, change his bandages, and pick him up off the floor and clean him of his own shit and vomit. IN MY OWN HOUSE. A year of this and one day, he's so drunk and fucked up he wanders off in the middle of the night crawling on his belly for the liquor store that he gets vivisected in half by a high speeding motorcyclist who is understandably traumatized for life by not expected to have cut someone in half that was face down in the middle of the highway at 4 am in the morning.
Not even a couple months from my uncles death my mom agrees to take in an uncle I've never even met before who had been in jail for 25 years with severe health issues and COPD, and the same process happens all over again. Im forced to care for this man I've never interected with before who has serious health issues and I need to bathe him, clean him, make sure he gets fresh oxygen, create specialized foods for him since his diet is very sensitive, change his diapers, change his bandages and chisel away at the dead skin the builds up on his calves every week or they start to smell like festering ass.
But he hated be taken care of, and always asked to get him beer, cigarettes, fatty and salty food. to the point where he called the cops on me for taking care of him as abuse ( My uncle, my aunt, and my mom also did the same things to me repeatedly. taking care of their health they translate as torture and absue) He opted to rather live in a halfway house for ex cons than live with me and be healthy. And not even a week later he was fucking dead because he neglected his health.
Fast forward to now, for the past 8 years my mom retired after serious health issues mainly regarding her alcohol abuse. (it's not an issue, she's not an alcoholic of course not...she's just has a few drinks here and there...two 64 oz bottles of wine is nothing) she has advance cirrhosis and kidney damage, she has now gotten to a point where she's in a state of constant confusion and can barely stand let alone know where she is. I have been picking her up off the floor of my home every day after work and doing the same routine I've always done, bathe her, clothe her, help her go to the bathroom, clean up, cook, make sure she gets medicine.
I recently started improving my own health, I have a great job as a chef at a country club, I met an amazing woman who has injected nothing but positivity into my life but now my mom is at a state of where she doesnt even know who I am anymore and im losing my fucking mind, I dont know what to do. My family has abandoned me and ghosting me in all my calls and texts.
The doctors are telling me Im going to have to just take care of her myself, and I cant do it anymore. I feel like im going to fucking explode. I just want to run away, I want to fucking run and never look back and just leave it all behind.
I want to just jump off the fucking planet, I cant do it any longer. it's killing me. It's my mom, I know. But I cant do it anymore, not again.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

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★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

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★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

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★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

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★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

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★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

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★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

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★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

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★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

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★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

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★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

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★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

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★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

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★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

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★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

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★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

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★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

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★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

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★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

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★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

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I currently own a Rubbermaid 7' X 10.5' Resin Outdoor Storage Shed With Floor and am getting ready to replace it with a (likely custom) 12' X 16' all wood shed as soon as I am able to get it all together.
First, a question about the Rubbermaid 'Big Max Ultra' shed that I own. There are 'built-in, molded' brackets for installing 2 X 2"X6" lumber along the length of the roof. The instructions state that this is to add structural support to the roof. Does anyone have any idea how much weight something like that might hold? This is important since we intend to keep this shed (It's been awesome for the past 17 years, but I need a bigger space). I am getting ready to move it to a different area on our property to make way for the new, upcoming shed (which I hope to complete this summer).
Thank you in advance for any thoughts on this.

Our house came with a pole-barn style boat shed, roughly 12' x 32'. Open on one end, raw dirt floor, beams on big concrete pilings, basic roof, walls "framed", sheathed in OSB, and finished with vinyl siding.
I don't own a boat and know better than to get one, but I do need shop space. So I added studs to the walls to get something that approximated 16" on centre, put in a suspended floor, and framed the open end for an 8' garage door.
The suspended floor is 2x10 beams attached to the barn poles with structural screws, then Simpson Strong-Tie joist hangers on these beams, floor joists 2x10 24" on centre.
For the subfloor, we were in the middle of COVID plywood shortages so all I could get was 1/2" plywood, which I figured would be enough. It's a woodshop, not a residence.
And it isn't. The floor is fine right over the joists, but in-between joists it's just too springy. Maybe if I had gone with a tighter joist spacing it would have worked better, but I didn't, and so here we are.
I am going to have the underside of the floor spray-foam insulated this fall, and while that should add some stiffness, I still feel like I need to thicken the subfloor up.
My choices are:

1. 3/4" OSB tongue-and-groove;
2. 5/8" Spruce plywood tongue-and-groove; or
3. 1x8" pine shiplap planks.

The idea here is that I would screw this down over the existing plywood, but offset so that seams don't line up.
I suppose I also need to put down some form of wear surface if I use OSB, probably roll vinyl flooring.
Thoughts?

Warning: This is a long write-up because it's complex but once you understand it I think it's pretty clearly undervalued.
Watkin Jones was founded in 1791! A very old company.
Excerpt from their website:

The Watkin Jones' first family business was founded in Bangor, North Wales in 1791. Starting out in carpentry, the business later moved into building and construction. Now known as Watkin Jones plc, the company was at the heart of the growth of the local area, even laying the first stone of the new Bangor University College Buildings. Watkin Jones plc moved into the residential sector in the 1920s, building private homes in North Wales, before expanding in the 1990s with a new homes division.
In 1999, Watkin Jones plc completed its first student accommodation development and, following the 2008 financial crisis, the company went from strength to strength. The business transformed from a regional developer to a national name in student accommodation, before floating on the London Stock Exchange in 2016. The Watkin Jones family exited the businesses in 2018 to concentrate on Watkin Property Ventures but remain minority shareholders.

So the modern Watkin Jones company that we know today really started from 1999 with the switch from residential to student accommodation.
This still makes up nearly 50% of their revenue as seen here:
The second biggest slice of revenue belongs to the BTR (build-to-rent) category which they are focusing on more for the future and will become a bigger slive of revenue % in the coming years I predict.
BTR is a fairly new thing in the UK where it was first done in 2012. You can read more about BTR here:
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/essentials-build-rent-uk-theupperkey-ovike#:~:text=The%20History%20of%20Build%20To,in%20the%20property%20investment%20sector
There are a few different ways of funding doing BTR's, watkin jones uses the forward funding financing type, here's forward funding explained (using chatgpt help for this part):

Forward funding for BTR is a financing approach where an investor or fund (legal and general, grainger plc etc) agrees to provide capital for the entire development project, not just the land. This involves purchasing the land and committing to finance the construction of the property. The process usually unfolds as follows:
Pre-Development Agreement: The investor or fund enters into an agreement with the developer before the commencement of the project. This agreement outlines the terms, including the purchase of the land and the provision of funds for the development.
Land Acquisition: The investor or fund purchases the land from the developer or a third party, securing the location for the development.
Development Funding: The investor or fund provides the necessary capital to the developer to finance the construction of the project. This can cover various costs, including materials, labor, and other expenses related to the development.
Project Completion: Once the development is complete, the property is handed over to the investor or fund. The developer earns a profit based on the pre-agreed terms for their role in completing the project.
Rental Operations: The investor or fund then takes over the property, managing it as a rental asset to generate income.

This approach has a big benefit, it allows immediate cash flow immediately for the developer to begin building. This means they don't build it and are then stuck with an expensive building they can't sell and have to manage themselves which is a different industry.
This is why their stock price was trading at £2.4 in 2019, investors liked this model and the big cash flows that came up front and presumed it was all de-risked.
However, their is a HUGE risk with this type of financing that investors overlooked called cost build inflation and fast interest rate spikes, if inflation rises quickly in a short period of time (like 2022) then the cost of building the sites skyrockets and the developers margins go down the drain because they have already signed the contract with the investor to sell it at a pre-agreed price (note: i have no idea if they have provisions in the contracts to de-risk inflation or not, presumably they didn't but should do going forward given the risk).
Also the side-effect of interest rates rising rapidly means that institutional investors now have no appetite for BTR's because the property valuations dropped and the cost of financing debt rose a lot which makes them taking on debt to finance these purchases a lot less attractive (note: this is slightly offset by rents rising at a rapid pace and improving yield % on the properties). This meant that institutional investors stopped purchasing BTR's from Watkin Jones and started buying 4% UK government bonds.
The forward funding market 'dried up' (due to the large cost of financing debt now) and that also hurt them.
There's also another huge issue which hurts watkin jones and that's cladding provisions. In 2016 their was a huge fire in Grenfell which was caused by poor fire safety cladding in the walls. Since then all properties over x amount of floors have to be checked by law to have proper cladding in the walls, and if they fail that check then they have to replace the cladding or abandon it/tear it down. This is a hugely expensive process and in 2022 the government made developers such as WatkinJones even more responsible for this.
This has resulted in £30m provisions for fire cladding initially being recognized on their balance sheet in 2022 and being upped to a total of £66m in 2023 (£11m in reimbursement means a net provision of £55m). This provision still has material uncertainty around it given that it seems hard for watkin jones to tell how many properties are affected or not and the expanded scope of legisliation in 2022. This provision will mean £60m cash flow is reduced over the next 5 years from WJG free cash flow and spent on maintenance CAPEX on this.
Page 24:
https://watkinjonesplc.com/media/2bqdqf3i/watkin-jones-group-plc-fy23-results-final.pdf

After 2020, Watkin Jones added a £15m~ provision for 15 properties. This was based on the initial 12 year contractual period (from 2008) for the following:
2) Buildings above 18m in height that featured high pressure laminate (‘HPL’).

In Jan. 2022, more responsibility was put on homebuilders by the government with the 2022 BSA act:
i) extend the scope of developers’ responsibility to 30 years;
ii) increase the scope by including buildings above 11 metres; and
iii) expand the scope to incorporate life critical safety defects.
The issue is that homebuilders do not take records of apartments outside of the 12 year contract period. And this is where estimations come in as they have to do surveys of every building.
Watkin jones made a further £30m provision for these costs related to 18 additional apartment blocks.
Then in Sep. 2023, secondary legislation (called RAS) was passed which mostly affects leashold buildings, WatkinJones only has 13 leasehold buildings (as BTR and PBSA are different) and 5 of these buildings were further added to the provision.
One key thing from here:

However, as set out above, the RAS does not specifically apply to PBSA and BTR properties, noting that the overall objective of the government policy was to protect individual leaseholders in the wake of the Grenfell Tower fire

So if the government does more legislation then this will hurt WJG further.
There's also a 4% additional tax charge on big homebuilders profits over £25m and a new building safety levy on most buildings (50% discount on brownfields), this cost should be passed on by developers by reducing the amount they pay for the land they purchase. However it will hurt watkin jones near-term margins by 100bps around probably due to margin supression as they have an existing land bank of £100m~ to go through that they bought when the levy didn't exist.
Why is it undervalued then?
BTR is here to stay in the UK in my opinion, the costs from cladding will be passed on to the consumer.
https://propertyindustryeye.com/big-increase-in-value-of-uks-build-to-rent-sector-predicted/
It will grow rapidly once interest rates come down and the forward funding market comes back (the UK is projected to slash interest rates 3 times by end of 2024). I personally live in a BTR myself and I can tell you right now that it is FAR superior for upper-middle class and international students than normal private landlords, the quality of the build, the amenities like onsite supermarket, gym, cinema room, co-working space, rooftops, 24 hr concierge is really great.
It costs like 30-50% more than the equivalent non BTR but you get what you pay for. The ratings on BTR's by renters are very high. See for yourself here on one of the property managers sites: https://modaliving.com/
Institutions have liked BTR's (before the interest spikes) because they have a higher yield %, clients are more likely to pay on time (due to being more affluent) and stay for longer because they like the quality and amenities.
BTR builds in progress have fallen after interest rate spikes (you can read about it here from one of the clients: https://corporate.graingerplc.co.uk/sites/graingerplc-corp/files/2023-11/grainger-ara23-23-11-21.pdf), combined with the recent rent yield spikes, this should provide a good market imbalance in supply/demand was interest rates fall in watkin jones favour in the coming years.
Student accommodation has a serious under-supply, not all students can get accommodation guaranteed when going to university. International students fuel a lot of the demand as well.
See here:

New analysis of the PBSA sector from Savills shows that shortfalls in student accommodation mean that the UK needs 234,000 extra beds to reach 1.5 full-time students per bed. London has the largest need for student accommodation, with almost 100,000 beds required to make up the shortfall

This sector is obviously heavily tied to university student numbers. Projected HE students in UK:
This should provide a secular tailwind that means Univesities will continue to demand student accommodation.
Note: This projection is subject to change depending on government policies, see here for example : https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cd11xy2g5elo
Rishi Sunak recently backtracked on a tougher crackdown on student visa regulations but it's still a risk.
Competitors:
Competitors aren't really a big thing in this market as a risk. It's not like a new tech company can come in and up root the industry. It was also very hard to actually find other builders that focus on BTR, student accommodation so I can't give much infomation here. The only real one I could find was Grainger PLC who is more of an investor in BTR's.
See page 25 of their 2019 AR for more detail.
Risks:

• Fire safety cladding provision could be increased again, reducing free cash flow and margins potentially. If this happens and WJG bear case happens then it could also mean they breach their debt covenants (as they say in their FY23) although this is unlikely.
• WJG recognises revenue and profit as they progress through the build (AFAIK) so this requires some estimations until completion, so there's more accounting risk in this company as it's easier to fake numbers by management when estimations are possible.
• Inflation doesn't go down or spikes again = prolonged pain for watkin jones as they won't be able to sell properties. This inflation spike has exposed the weakness in WJG business model and why it was most risky when it was actually at £2.4 a share.
• Interest rates don't go down for whatever reason such as the unlikely case the UK goes through an economic boom like the US (unlikely).

My DCF & Notes:
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fwatkin-jones-lse-wjg-100-year-old-house-builder-in-uk-v0-k5limbko4y2d1.png%3Fwidth%3D1538%26format%3Dpng%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D25286ad890b1b935a20cf95481b3c4e7af656d5e
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fwatkin-jones-lse-wjg-100-year-old-house-builder-in-uk-v0-9fioyzhs4y2d1.png%3Fwidth%3D2017%26format%3Dpng%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D4f8dee6bde3f73e4252ab52f3406c33b6b5e2788
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fwatkin-jones-lse-wjg-100-year-old-house-builder-in-uk-v0-5ax9gxcy5y2d1.png%3Fwidth%3D2356%26format%3Dpng%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D139cef71711c462cecccb293b70051f4b6b1fb70
Homebuilders have a unlevered beta of 0.97, I gave WJG an unlevered beta of 1.37 to reflect new risks around legislation in the UK on an ongoing basis, this is just essentially guessing though as betas are already really hard to do. This results in a WACC of 12%.
I've taken into account the new building levy (by reducing near term margins on WJG existing land banks), new 4% homebuilders tax, provision cladding (by reducing FCFF).
They are highlighted in yellow mostly.
The above assumption presumes that WJG normalises at a lower EBIT margin than historical due to new legislation of 12% (historical was 16%+) with a new higher tax rate.
I did a reverse DCF as well and I really cannot arrive at the 50p the market is pricing WJG at, for this scenario to happen, you would need a huge margin deterioration terminally of like 7% with no or terminally declining growth and an increased provision in cladding.
Here you can see a reverse DCF:
https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fwatkin-jones-lse-wjg-100-year-old-house-builder-in-uk-v0-zay7na076y2d1.png%3Fwidth%3D2362%26format%3Dpng%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3D3c1c4b4d7f00636e88e2828ca9513d8ec0c2d7cb
I increased provision to 100 from 55, did 0% growth and 7% oper. margins which also results in a much lower ROIC.
That's what the market is pricing in, I don't see how you can expect margins to be so low and growth to be 0% like this when BTR and PBSA are growing med-long term. Makes no sense. 7% margins is only 3.5% above where they are right now in FY23 and that doesn't add up because margins in this year have been killed by inflation, rates and the forward funding market stopping.
Any risks on increased cladding don't really affect the DCF too much as long as WJG stays solvent within debt covenants (they should they have a good balance sheet).
Thoughts? WJG is my biggest holding at 16% of portfolio now.
Directors have been buying at around the same price in 2023 as well.
Thanks

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★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

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★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

⎯

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

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★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

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★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

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★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

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★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

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★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

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★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

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★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

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★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

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★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

Some items on the list may no longer be available or are still locked, visit My Inventory for more details.

Send a Trade Offer for fastest response. I consider all offers.

Add me for discuss if there is a serious offer that needs to be discussed.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

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★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

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★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

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★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

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★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

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★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

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★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

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★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

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★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

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★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

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★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

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★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

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★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

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★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

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★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

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★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

Some items on the list may no longer be available or are still locked, visit My Inventory for more details.

Send a Trade Offer for fastest response. I consider all offers.

Add me for discuss if there is a serious offer that needs to be discussed.

There's a lot of text here. Read if ya want to learn more, it's not anything like a normal server (else we wouldn't keep hosting our own!) Don't worry, it takes us months to find the right people to play with, but our worlds last years, and the longest we've gone without playing together is 2 weeks. Else we meet once a week minimum.
How is that possible? By this vomit of text below. It's a lot to cover, but we state it clearly to avoid confusing the many people who think this is a flash in the pan group.
What makes us (our group) different?

• Only 16 members are ever allowed (Why 16? 1 per colour in game, only 8 openings remain)
• We share resources, and work together (we don't run off and do our own thing to show and tell later)
• While applications are open, we have the creative world open to members.
• Once applications are closed we meet up and play a series of 'team building' maps that challenge us to communicate and work together, THEN we finally launch into the Survival world!
• Our application requires each member to complete (before joining) a build submission. This is shared with everyone to get first impression (no voice interview, or 80 questions, we want to see how you play in game, what does it look like when you care)
• No experience is required
• We're working adults, and so we make time in our schedules for each other. This isn't a "I keep joining on and no one is online, so get more players." we set time in our schedules for each other. Doesn't matter where in the globe, we all have to accommodate the lives of each other.
• We don't compete in combat, or farm building, because we aim for the game play that comes after the farms are built. The real creative adventures. (Though only once have we activated all 128 strong holds!)
• Our builds aren't 'function and nothing else'. We set them up, get them working, make the results clear to see and navigate, have auto sorters, and in 1.21, auto crafters. We set up a Overworld path connecting, and a nether hub to connect as well.
• The wold is shared with anyone when they leave the group, or more common, every 3 months (This is determined by group vote)

Base Game Settings:

• Survival SMP
• Hard Difficulty
• No World Border
• Reduced Debuginfo = True
• Inventory loss on death

Personal Custom Settings:

• Tab to display health of members
• No Bedrock Breaking (We work together and make a highway just below the roof level, and connect all portals in decorated rooms/hallways)
• No "Anti-Greif/X-Ray/Cheat/etc." This is a cooperative server. A benefit to one is a benefit to all. IF anyone has done so in the past decade, we haven't noticed nor have we had issues from it. As well, we've never had any ugly exits.
• No Coordinates/Mini-Map/F3 location/Dynamic Map/positions etc. We like to get lost, it helps us stay connected and makes exploration risky, you may travel far, but you always need to be able to find your way back. Thankfully, there's LOADS of tools. (And yes, we have a fun training map we play in small groups to teach how to navigate consistently back to base, compass is your friend!)
  • This also means our over world paths, are even more important, because when you get lost, if you head back, you'll be happy for that path that connects the 3 strong holds together and other locations.
• No economy/stores/etc. etc. We have a who boat load of reasons why not to do these, they don't lead to long term social servers. Just show & tell empty burnt out shops
• 1.12 Villager trade mechanics. We're adults with lives, we don't want to wait artificially for a timer to count down. And as server owner, there's no benefit to having 30 villagers replace the job of one villager. Again, we play cooperatively, and our goal is the post-farm phase.

Potential Custom Settings (These are VOTED ON by the members, all are present in the Creative world for test driving)

• Day/Night Chimes (to help us remember to get into bed!)
• TNT Duplication Permitted (Typically has been in past years)
• Husks Drop Sand
• Goat Horn call tamed mobs (One for Wolves, Horses/Donkey/Mule, Llama, Parrots, Cats - this was developed to stop wolves from attacking players they shouldn't be)
• Change weather builds ('sacrifice' a Lightning Rod/Water Bucket/Spectral Arrow to change the weather)
• Equip Vehicles (Horses/Donkey/Mule/Skeleton Horse/Zombie Horse/Llama) with Frost Walker II boots
• Invisible/Outlined Vehicles (So we can see through our horses while riding them)
• Bell outlines near mobs when run by player (helps to identify mobs and caves underground, same as the 'raid' bell, just with every mob)
• Custom Crafting/Renewable Resources (Enchanted Apple, Pottery Sherds, Music Discs, Unpack Ice/Nether Wart/String, etc.)
• Respawned Dragons drop Elytra (Not the 1st one though)
• Librarians can Learn Enchantments (They don't sell any until they're 'taught', via selling, what books to enchant multiple times.)

General Survival Progression:

1. Day 1 Iron farm
2. Villager Trades (ArmoTools/Enchantments (which with the Learning mechanic means a lot of exploring early on)
3. Food/Farmer Farms (Golden Carrots)
4. Nether Highway hub, and Cardinal Directions laid out (If Librarians are taught, this happens much earlier)
5. Dragon
6. Ender XP farm
7. Wither Skeleton Farm
8. Shulker Farm

• Ocean Monument Farm
• Raid Farm
• Witch Farm
• Slime Farm
• Creeper Farm/Firework Farm
• Sugarcane Farm/Paper Farm
• Sheep Colourd Wool Farm
• Flower Farm
• Warden Farm
• Sculk Farm
• etc. etc. etc. (Anything that can be farmed, for producing decorations blocks, is farmed)

Each farm exists in a unique location, outside render distance of others builds. Each has homes/hotels for everyone/food/mini-xp farm (normally afk fishing, something to do while waiting for others, or for farms to fill), Enderchest ATM, everything cleaned up (no chest monsters)
Privacy is very important to us. We respect the privacy of others. Questions are welcomed, responses are accepted as is. I.E. If a person doesn't want to share a personal detail, we don't press them on it. This also extends to the right of any user to delete their messages or images, we don't look down on that as Digital Footprints are a thing.
We promise, we're not nearly as boring as this, heh. Just the formality of trying to find people like we always have. 14 years and running!

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

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★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

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★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

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★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

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★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

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★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

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★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

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★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

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★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

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★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

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★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

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★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

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★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

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★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

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★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

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Theme: Moonlight
800 years before the third millennium. The World has created the True Ancestor Princess, undisputed royalty of the Earth's force against humans. Arcueid Brunestud was a pure paradigm of white light, untainted perfection. But all perfect things must end, and Arcueid's virgin existence was bathed in blood after the human mage Michael Roa Valdamjong made her suck his blood in an attempt to pursue immortality. Arcueid, frenzied by the blood transfer, massacred the True Ancestors, and with the last of her strength, chained herself in sleep, deep in the bowels of her castle, only waking when Roa rears his head in his next reincarnation.
In his 18th reincarnation, Roa appeared in Misaki Town, Japan, and Arcueid emotionlessly traveled forth from her castle once more. A strange event occurred as she stalked the streets: she was murdered, cut into seventeen pieces by Shiki Tohno. After reconstituting herself, she impressed Shiki into paying her back for the murder, and the two hunted vampires together after dark. And she discovered there might be an entire side of life she had not yet known…
Information
Likes: movies, cats, at-home dates, Shiki's verbal abuse
Dislikes: Roa, boredom, pollution, Shiki's verbal abuse

Key

Ordering
Feats involving the visual novels will be grouped by route in the commonly accepted playthrough order: Arcueid > Ciel > Satsuki, arranged in chronological order, not medium order, with manga and anime being considered most similar to Arcueid route and placed there. There is a large difference in the power levels of Arcueid route Arc (weaker) and Ciel route Arc (stronger). Post-Tsukihime feats are also in chronological order. Tagged feats will be placed at the end of a section.
Note that almost all Kagetsu Tohya feats take place in Len's dream world.
Sources

Abbreviation	Source
Unmarked	Tsukihime (Visual novel, 2000)
TM	Lunar Legend Tsukihime (Manga)
TA	Lunar Legend Tsukihime (Anime)
KT	Kagetsu Tohya
MB	Melty Blood (Game)
MM	Melty Blood (Manga)
RE	Melty Blood Re-ACT
A2	Melty Blood ACT:2
AC	Melty Blood Act Cadenza
AA	Melty Blood Actress Again (Current Code)
BA	Melty Blood - Back Alley Alliance Nightmare
MX	Melty Blood X
EX	Fate/EXTRA (and materials)
GO	Fate/Grand Order
CP	Carnival Phantasm
PP	Tsukihime Reader Plus Period
SR	Staff Roundtable
TK	talk.
CM	Character Material
AO	Various Interviews/Magazines/WoG

Tags
[Bad End] refers to feats that take place in non-canon endings where Shiki dies one way or another, but are likely still capabilities achievable by Arcueid. [Good End] refers to feats that happen in a possible, but false end. [Limit] refers to a feat Arcueid fails to do, but still strong enough to not be deemed an anti-feat. Hover over an anime or manga link to see the episode/chapter of occurrence.
Related Threads

• Archetype Earth
• Arcueid Brunestud (Remake)
• Ciel
• Manga-exclusive Arcueid
• Neco-Arcs

Strength

General

• TATARI copies are generally at the same level of strength as the original, so she should be similar in power to Red Arcueid^MM
• She only stops restraining herself in Castle Brunestud^MM
• Similar in power to Vermillion Akiha^PP
• The most incorrigible character in the story^PP

Lifting
Objective

• Bats a wolf into the air^TA
• Struggles to keep an airborne Dead off of her^TA
• Can't get her foot out from under a pile of girders^TM
• "It should be easy for her to rip off [Shiki's] arms and legs
• Pins Shiki
• Uses Sion's etherlight spiderweb as rope to uproot a few trees and throw them at Sion^MM
• Knocks up a hatch in the Tohno lawn^A2

Scaling

• Rips Nrvnsqr's wolf out of her arm^TA
• Snaps a Dead's arm while it chokes her^TA
• [Limit] Can't escape when she's wrapped in snakes and trapped in a pool of Nrvnqsr's Soil of Genesis^TM
• While giant, struggles with G-Ciel^MX

Piercing
Objective

• Possibly slashed through chains^TM
• Uses her claws to slide down the side of the Century Hotel while holding Shiki in her other hand^TM
• Digs into Shiki's shoulders^TM
• Presumably left huge gouges in the ground fighting Ciel
• Slashes down a hallway^TM

Scaling

• Kills Nrvnqsr's wolf^TM
• Kills two of Nrvnqsr's wolves^TA
• Kills three of Nrvnqsr's leopards
• Bisects a Dead^TM
• Kills a horde of Dead^TM
• Ferally tears up Roa^TM
• Kills Roa
• Tears herself open repeatedly
• Snaps Ciel's neck with one arm while the other gouges out her organs
• Rips out Ciel's heart

Striking
Objective
Material

• Busts the exterior wall of the hotel with a swipe of her claws^TM
• Slams Ciel into a brick pillar, crumbling it^TM
• Pulverizes the front of the school^TM
  • Better look at the destruction^TM
  • The school has a Bounded Field set up so that any magic in its boundary is drained
• Hurls Roa through concrete and a courtyard into the classroom across the way^TM
• Beat Ciel incredibly easily, choking her against a concrete crater that she embedded Ciel in
• Folds tree trunks^MM
• Hits a volleyball into Ciel's face multiple times^CP

People

• Shoves Shiki into a wall with one arm
• Punches Ciel across the park
  • Does it again
• Donuts Shiki
• Launches Arihiko^KT
• Decapitates a corpse with a stomp^MM
• [Bad End] Launches Shiki

Scaling
VS Dead Apostles

• Pulverizes Nrvnqsr's panther, cratering it and exploding its head^TM
• Crushes a Dead's skull
  • Manga^TM
• Ravages Nrvnqsr's menagerie
  • Manga^TM
• Bisects Nrvnqsr
  • Manga^TM
• Literally disarms Nrvnsqr^TA
• Defeats a squad of Dead^TA
• Kills three of Nrvnqsr's dogs in one strike^KT
• Sion can barely block her slash^MM

VS Other

• Equal to Ciel
• Knocks out Ciel with a punch that draws blood
• Tries to donut Ciel
• KO's Riesbyfe with a sucker punch^XD
• [Limit] Can't break Mecha-Hisui's barrier^A2

Other
Objective

• Numbs Shiki's shoulders with her grip
• Bounds over Misaki's skyline^TM
• Spears Roa on a thrown pole which nails him to concrete^TM
• Destroyed a classroom fighting SHIKI (note that he is very much her superior in this fight)^TA
• In under a minute, travels from the park to the school and shakes the entire building with her entrance
• Cracks Shiki's skull
• Breaks a section of pavement with an energy surge^TM

Scaling

• Rips Nrvnqsr's lion's head off
• Throws a Dead into a wall hard enough to kill it^TM
  • Anime^TA
• Killed every True Ancestor in Millennium Castle^TM
• Crushes the remains of TATARI in her hand^A2
• Smashes a door into Satsuki^MX
• Stomps an innocent Neko-Arc^CP
• Can blow away something at the level of White Len's Dream Bounded Field with one hit after calling in help from Gaia^AO
• [Limit] Can't break Shiki's glasses as they were created by Aoko

Durability

Blunt

• A pile of girders falls on her and while she is trapped, she seems relatively fine^TM
• Kicked in the face by a Dead
• Takes a powerful kick from Ciel that sends her skidding away^TM
• Possibly punched hard enough to shatter the windows of two different floors of a building^TA
• Punched by Ciel^KT
• Took a barrage of blows from Kohaku^A2
• BFR'd by G-Akiha when she's punched through the wall of the Tohno mansion, but she takes no damage from the hit^A2
• Drops down a manhole^BA

Esoteric
Death Lines

• Butchered by Shiki
  • Anime version^TA
• Details on her Death Lines specifically
• She can't heal the wound received from Nrvnqsr due to the lingering effects of them being cut
• Her Death Lines are available during the day because there is a possibility she could be killed then^TM
• Stabbed by Roa, who can see the Death Lines, but perceives them as "tethers to life" rather than immediate death
  • Manga^TM
• Shiki can't see Death Lines while trying to kill her at night
• Even from close range, Shiki cannot see a Death Line on her
  • This changes over time as his eyes strengthen and she weakens^TM
• Blasted by Ciel's lightning while completely unprepared^TM
• When Shiki tells her something to let her guard down, a Death Line appears, which he cuts, and instead of dying, Arcueid enters a state of such rage that she eats her organs to frenzy herself further while she waits for her regeneration to catch up
  • Regenerates
• When Shiki cuts the World's Death Line, she loses her invulnerability at night and he can see her Death Lines

Other
Electricity

• In the center of a huge explosion of Roa's lightning, tanks it^TM
• Blocks a bolt of his lightning with her forearm^TM
• [Limit] As the fight drags on, his lightning heavily affects her^TM

Endurance

• The effort of fighting and escaping Nrvnqsr left her bedridden the next day^TM
  • The more time she spends around Shiki in Arcueid Route, the weaker she becomes, compared to Ciel Route
  • As of the final skirmish with Nrvnqsr, her spirit is weaker than that of a Dead
    • Manga^TM
• It's hard for her to resist consuming Shiki's blood when she sees it^TM
• A six kilometer jog is easy
• About 700 years old
• Had the same regen as Roa before Shiki cut her Death Lines^TA
• Outlasts every girl in Tsukihime in a volleyball tournament^CP

Temperature

• Direct sunlight is "only a little hot"^PP
• "Would be fine even with just a shirt in the chill of midwinter"^KT
• Would probably be fine standing on a grill, unless Arcueid is that stupid^CP
• In a snowstorm on the seafront wearing only a two-piece^CP

Other

• Resistant to Kabbalah and Runes, and most types of magic provided she's seen it before, save for Shinto and South American
  • However, neither of those are capable of dealing as much damage to her as Shiki's Mystic Eyes
• Only a few Conceptual Weapons can harm her
• Resistant to Nrvnqsr's absorption^TM
• [NSFW] Has...regeneration, or something, Shiki guesses based on them having sex
• Only stunned by Sion's Barrel Replica - Obelisk, which creates a light that can be seen through the entirety of Misaki Town^MM
• Not affected by the "bad luck" befalling everyone during TATARI's phenomenon^MB
• No resistance to memory manipulation^TK
• [Good End] Even with the Black Barrel, Ciel cannot kill Arcueid, only seal her

Piercing

• Chomped by Nrvnqsr's alligator
• An Executor couldn't scratch her in her prime
• Nrvnqsr's animals draw blood^TM
• Smashed by Ciel's Keys hitting her "like a car"
• Deflects Ciel's Key barehanded
• Slashed across the chest, through the thigh, and has her arm cut off by Shiki
• Healing the wounds she sustained fighting Shiki requires going to Millennium Castle
  • She fades away
• Shot^KT
• [Good End] Sent flying by a volley of Ciel's Keys
  • She is, of course, pissed
  • This attack would kill a normal vampire six times over

Speed

Agility

• Saves Shiki from being devoured by Nrvnqsr^TM
• Claims she could easily jump to the third story of the school
• Easily moves along tree branches
• Vaults her way to the top of a building from an alley^TM
• 30m is within her attack radius^KT

Movement
Objective

• Disembowels Shiki at supersonic speed
• Hits Sion's bullets out of the air^MM
• Runs away while Mecha-Hisui fires finger guns at her^A2
• [Limit] Can't move faster than light^A2
  • However, Akiha is able to move while Mecha-Hisui's lightspeed lasers fire, soooo...who can say^A2

Scaling
Ciel

• Dodges Ciel's trident^TA
• When her eyes turn red, she moves completely out of the path of Ciel's thrown keys, then blitzes her^TM
• Dodges Ciel's jabs^KT
• Lands a punch on Ciel^KT
• Fights Ciel
• Shiki can't track her movements and only sees a white blur when she fights Ciel for the second time
  • He also can't see her while fighting her even when Roa has boosted his physicals

Others

• Pushes Shiki out of the way of Nrvnqsr's wolf^TA
  • The wolves run at around 5m/s
  • Manga version^TM
• Faster than Nrvnqsr (or so she claims)
• Obliterates Nrvnqsr's animals
• When he's finally forced to confront Shiki, Nrvnqsr moves as fast as she does
• Confident she could move faster than Shiki can cut^TM
• Even though Sion can predict her movements, she's not fast enough to actually keep up with them^MB
• Faster than Sion^MM

Reaction

• Reacts faster than Shiki can to Roa's dog charging
• Dodges Sion's bullet without realizing^MM

Travel

• Mr. X's Shiki
• Easily faster than a full-sprint Shiki
• Sidesteps Roa's mid-air lightning^TM
• Shiki wouldn't feel safe even if he was 100m away
• In under a minute, travels from the park to the school and shakes the entire building with her entrance
• 30m would take "no longer than a breath" to travel^KT
• [Bad End] Can move 70m in an instant
• [Good End] Tackles Shiki like "a speeding motorcycle"

Skill

Combat
Statements

• Doesn't kill humans, though she has no qualms with superhumans
• Would probably defeat Touko Aozaki^XD
• A match for G-Ciel^MX
• She is in a league of her own as a True Ancestor, capable of standing up to Crimson Moon^SR
• Capable of 1v1'ing Servants^AO
  • At 30% power
• 30% power Arcueid is roughly equal to 4 Servants combined, though she still has bad compatibility against fighters like Gilgamesh^AO
• Strongest in the Nasuverse (as of 2007)^AO

Actual Evidence

• Has killed every incarnation of Roa for the past 800 years
  • Manga^TM
  • This includes Elesia
    • Manga^TM
  • Anime version^TA
• Has killed Ciel in the past
• Gains more power as she fights Ciel, going from being overwhelmed to obviously the better of the two
• Has killed eleven of Roa's Dead
• Effortlessly beats Shiki, even though his body has become like that of SHIKI due to the Roa transfusion
• Killed Einnashe^TK
  • She needed help to do this^KT
• While she didn't definitively beat Aoko, she did beat her up to the point that Aoko retreated^RE
  • However, as she is in Tsukihime, she would probably lose^TM

Melty Blood
Frame Data (Actress Again)
Note that green boxes are areas that deal damage, red are where she takes damage. Moves are ordered from least to most damaging unless sequential. This is only here to represent the idea of how fast her physical attacks are in relation to one another, ie: a punch is only a little slower than a kick.

• Crescent Moon Style
  • Standing
  • Crouching
  • Aerial
  • Command
• Half Moon Style
  • Standing
  • Crouching
  • Aerial
  • Command
• Full Moon Style
  • Standing
  • Crouching
  • Aerial
  • Command

Special Moves

• You're in the way!: Barrage of rapid-fire hits
• What are you doing...!: Barrage of rapid-fire slashes
• Ready... Go!: Ascending crossup ending with a downward spike
• Quiet!: Arcueid juggles her opponent in the air
• It's useless!: A wave of energy erupts from where she slashes
• How's that?!: Draws up a wave of energy from the ground
• Last Arc - Shall we play around a bit?: An orbital laser (unless she is fighting Shiki, in which case it becomes 18 slashes)

Senses
Intelligence

• Knows how close Shiki is to death due to his MEoDP
• Bandaged Shiki's wounds (while this might seem like a non-feat, she tried to bandage herself using duct tape the day before)^TM
• Knows everything there is to know about the current Twenty-Seven Dead Apostle Ancestors
• Zepia Eltnam Oberon's intellect neared hers^MM
• Intuits that the remains of TATARI are inside Kohaku^A2
• Calculates the dimensions of the enormous pyramid sprouting in Misaki Town^MX
• Wasn't always an airhead^SR
• [Good End] Kisses Shiki in an attempt to make him drink her blood
• [Good End] Has knowledge of the Black Barrel
• [Good End] Knows Shiki can't see her Death Lines at night

On Phenomena

• Noticed a Dead before Shiki did
  • Manga^TM
  • She has to sense their presence, so Shiki's Mystic Eyes are capable of finding Dead faster^TM
• Feels the power in Shiki's glasses^TM
  • She's able to tell that Aoko made them
• Senses Nrvnqsr entering the hotel from the ground floor while in her room^TA
  • Manga version^TM
• Caught Shiki's scent walking around town
• Knows something is up with Akiha^TA
• Knows Sion is already a vampire^MM
• Realizes that Yamase Maiko is not Shiki but an aspect of Nrvnqsr, something even Ciel couldn't recognize^KT

Other

• Broke into Shiki's room
  • Manga^TM
• Impressed by Shiki's Kaiji impression^A2

Recreation

• Wins a claw machine^TM
• Won five hands of poker in a row against Neco-Arc^MX
• Eats 14 servings of curry before reaching her limit^MX
• Defeats Ciel in a curry eating contest while she has channeled the spirit of Curry du Marche, a Dead Apostle who was Ciel's curry master, to change the taste of curry to the taste of "curry," as well as used Marble Phantasm to become of similar size^MX
  • Though, Curry du Marche was really just White Len
• Spearfishes multiple squid^CP
• Forcefully takes a pig from Nrvnqsr^CP

Physiology

True Ancestor Biology
Physical
Power

• Her powers only recover with the passing of time, rest is ineffective
  • Manga^TM
• The full moon is when their power is at its peak
• While True Ancestors are biologically immortal, they become eternally comatose after suppressing their bloodlust for too long^PP
• Letting go of all restraint turns her into a Demon Lord/Fallen Ancestor^TM
  • If a True Ancestor becomes a Fallen Ancestor, it is completely impossible for them to be defeated by a human^PP
• Night of Wallachia can't perfectly incarnate into her form^MM
  • Trying to hold it causes him to have an episode
• Quality, Quantity, and Composition of her Magic Circuits^AO
• Other Incarnated Elementals are considered to be at the level of True Ancestors^GO
  • These include the Zhenren from China (Yu Mei-Ren), Lugh Beowulf, Tengu (Kiichi Hougen), the A-Ray Faeries (Artoria Caster, Morgan le Fay, Woodwose, Cnoc na Riabh), and Anastasia Romanov's Familiar Viy

Other

• Her bodily makeup only has a few "small differences" to that of a human^TM
• Doesn't eat food^TM
  • Her appetite is more akin to lust, but she can suppress it
• Permanently in her bodily prime
• Were she to die, no remains would be left
• Grows her fingers into claws^TM
• Stops her bodily functions when she sleeps^KT
• Could grow her own dick (but does not)^AO

Mental
Strains

• Gets knowledge from the surrounding era but must update it herself as needed^KT
• The longer she lives, the stronger her urge to consume blood gets^TM
  • Her bloodlust is palpable^KT
• Cannot wake up from her comas under her own volition; only when a Dead Apostle rears its head does she awaken
• Each time she awakens, she loses the memories of her previous bursts of consciousness because they don't matter for her mission^TM
• Her weakness is Shiki not cooking breakfast^MM

Miscellaneous

• Created with a mind similar to a human^PP
• She can't dream^TM
• Sent a goodbye to Shiki via a dream^TM
• Has memory of Archetype:Earth entering Sion's simulation^BA
• Can enthrall people with her mind, according to a rumor Riesbyfe mentions^AC

Dead Apostle Connections
General

• The bite of a True Ancestor irrevocably poisons the soul

Roa

• When Roa is erased from existence by Shiki, the portion of Arcueid's power he stole returns to her and allows her to revive
  • However, she only stays long enough to say goodbye to Shiki
  • Manga^TM
    • Manga
• Turned Roa into a vampire
  • This process happened immediately^PP
• Knows Roa has taken Shiki to be his nineteenth reincarnation
• She can easily tell who Roa has taken over since it's a portion of her power that he has
• By vampirizing Shiki, he would have the strength needed to suppress Roa's will completely
• Roa, using her power as her Dead Apostle, genocided the True Ancestors
• When she's in a murderous haze, Roa's soul inside Shiki also strengthens
• Were she to reclaim the power Roa stole from her, Ciel would have to continue living until Arcueid died
• Roa was able to defeat Altrouge thanks to owning Arcueid's power^PP

Others

• Giving Shiki her blood would allow him to heal from being donutted in addition to a fractured skull
• [Good End] Giving her blood to Shiki allowed him to overcome Roa's soul (for now), and since she didn't bite him, he is not a Dead Apostle
• [Good End] Were she to "go too far," her drop of True Ancestor blood inside Shiki would overwrite his DNA and destroy him, but due to practically being a vampire already, he should be fine
• [Good End] With only one drop of blood in him, all it would take Shiki is some willpower and he could resist her commands

Mystic Eyes
General

• Enchantment function activates when someone looks into her eyes, not just whatever she looks at

On Shiki

• Shiki feels weakened when she uses her Mystic Eyes on him
• Her eyes were active when she was in a frenzy
• Traps Shiki in semiconsciousness while she makes her goodbyes
• Immobilizes Shiki
  • Manga^TM
  • Anime^TA
• Her golden eyes put the fear of god in Shiki
• Gaze makes it hard for Shiki to breathe
• Can see the struggle between Roa's and Shiki's souls, and dubs the two about even
• [Good End] The simple act of breathing for Shiki is made difficult by the hostility in the air

On Others

• Would have figured out Nrvnqsr's power if she used them
  • Manga^TM
• Mindwipes a catcaller^TM
• Poisons the air with her vampiric will
• Mindwipes Hisui
  • Manga^TM

Other

Magic

• Absorbs Nrvnqsr's familiar to heal Shiki
  • Manga^TM
• Sent Len to give Shiki a wet dream
  • Manga^TM
• Taught Shiki a little magic^KT
• Threatened to curse the Tohno family if she wasn't invited to their game of tag^KT
• A fan of David Copperfield^A2
• [Bad End] Telepathically tells Shiki she will murder him

Wealth

• Rented out an entire floor of a hotel
• Gets free gold^SR
  • This is in turn given to Merem Solomon, who spoils her^PP
  • She can offer a metric ton while submitting something to the Tohno family game^KT

Marble Phantasm

Marble Phantasm is the ultimate ability of the True Ancestor race, and a few select others as well. The power to reshape the World, it differs from a Reality Marble in that while a Reality Marble is a domain in which one's impermanent will is manifested onto the World, Marble Phantasms are the World carrying out the will of the individual. Parasitic vs symbiotic, in a sense. Arcueid only uses the Marble Phantasm in times of absolute emergency, but her horizons are practically limitless.
General

• Creates whatever Arcueid imagines^PP
• Because it is accepted rather than rejected by the World, humans can wander into it^PP
• Marble Phantasm works on the "clustering illusion" theory of probability^SR
• Reality Marbles are a subset of this, though that doesn't mean Marble Phantasm is capable of achieving the same results of a Reality Marble^AC

Self-Applied

• Revived herself after Shiki cut her Death Lines
  • It took all night and 80% of her power
  • Required rebuilding her body, as the cuts refused to heal
  • Three days will rejuvenate her
• Fixed herself after Shiki cut her Death lines, the process taking an entire night^TM
  • It will be two days before she's back at full strength
  • Required restructuring her body, as the cuts made on her Death Lines wouldn't seal no matter what
• Gigantifies herself to take on G-Ciel in a curry eating contest^MX

On Others
VS Dead Apostles

• Killed Nrvnqsr's dog familiar
• When fighting Roa before she was killed by Shiki, she was capable of cutting off Roa's access to the World^TM
• Turns Roa into a bloodstain, the effort taking the last of her strength
  • If it weren't the night of a full moon, he would have lost his tether to the World and reincarnated again
  • Manga^TM
    • Manga^TM
  • Anime^TA
• Killed Roa via reformatting the atmosphere around him^PP
• The only thing that could kill the phenomenon TATARI^MB
• Attempted to freeze Yamase Maiko in place, but because her power is so close to the real Nrvnqsr, it fails^KT
• [Limit] Nrvnqsr claims that even her full power would fail to surpass his Soil of Genesis and compares doing so to affecting a continent

VS Other

• When threatening Shiki, it feels like the world itself is targeting him
• Protects her from Sion's etherlight trap^MM
• Claims she could resurrect Ciel^AA
• Gameplay version^AA

On Objects
Large Scale

• Created Millennium Castle^PP
  • Millennium Castle "feels hostile" as Shiki sprints through it, though it's Archetype Earth pursuing him and not Arcueid^KT
  • The Witch Swift Umbrella in Notes. is a prison formed from the original Millennium Castle, which is capable of holding Ado Edem, the A-Ray who slew Type-Jupiter, and it's said that standing from the throne requires the power to destroy the castle^CM
• Could materialize a small village in the mountains with her uncapped Marble Phantasm, but being closer to human civilization would require her to destroy it first^SR
• Forces a Crimson Moon into existence to revert TATARI back into Wallachia^MB
  • Manga version^MM
    • She did this by summoning the Crimson Moon from a thousand years in the future, to end the timespan of Wallachia's contract with Altrouge
    • She can't move while it's in effect
• Pulls down a meteor to crater a beach^CP
• Blows up a portion of a city with Saber^CP

Small Scale

• Duplicates cash when she's short^TA
• Created Sion and Riesbyfe's swimsuits, and offers Akiha one^BA

Continued in the comments!

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

⎯

★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

⎯

★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

⎯

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

⎯

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

⎯

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

⎯

★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

⎯

★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

⎯

★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

⎯

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

⎯

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

⎯

★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

⎯

★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

⎯

★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. 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P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - 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https://preview.redd.it/o738uxdl7t2d1.jpg?width=3072&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=93a9597eadcb04358bb17d77846a1eb1681f99c1
First of all: thank you everyone for the really helpful feedback in my prior post here.
The advice that resonated the most with me was:

• Try to maximize the space, don’t have too much wasted floor space.
• Increase the bench width for lying down (shoot for 28” if possible)
• Consider using a sturdy foot bench to have more flexibility with the space.
• Reconsider the Harvia Cilindro because the US version is suboptimal due to the sides being partially blocked. It’s a beautiful heater but also quite tall, so may not perform great.
• Swing the door out - duh!

Second: I apologize for the caveman drawing/floorplan.
I hope it’s not too confusing in the drawing but the dotted lines are where the bench will overhang underneath the bench above it. So for (A) for example, the lowest bench there will be 12” wide, but begin 2” under the middle bench there (B), so only 10” of it protrudes past (B) but there’s more space for plating your foot when walking up. Similarly (B) begins 4” under the upper bench (C) so it’ll be 26” wide for those who want to lie down on a middle bench. I didn’t do the solid/dotted lines cleverly enough but (B) is meant to be 26” wide and 74” long.
The heater I’m thinking of going with is the Harvia Virta HL110E 10.5kw (the regular, not the Combi - and not necessarily from this vendor, just using this link because the information is readily available), which is 16” x 13” x 33”. I think some guards around it would be functional and look nice, and I like the way u/RMRCAP has it here - see more info in his original post here). So leaving up to 4” around each side, 24” x 24” for the heater seems reasonable and gives me flexibility if I want to swap heaters down the road.
I feel like this L-shaped layout allows me to maximize this space by:

• Having at least 4 people sit comfortably (maybe 5?), or
• Having 3 people lie down comfortably (2 on each upper bench, 1 on the middle bench (B))
• Having an option for lying down on a middle bench for those who prefer less heat (like my wife)
• Accomplishing the above in an 8’ x 7’ x 8’ (450sq ft / 41.8sq m) space, so that it heats up faster with the 10.5kw heater but still enough space for 4 people.

I can definitely increase the space, but kind of want to keep it on the more compact so that it heats up faster. 98% of the time it’ll be 1-2 people using it, so I’d prefer to optimize for fast heat up times rather than more space for more people. The stool will of course be wider than the 4” of space it is occupying in the diagram - the intention is that it’ll be comfortably wide but be able to be tucked down under middle bench (D) when not in use.
My questions are:

• 1) What am I overlooking? Any ideas for improving this?
• 2) How can I make the back rest comfortable for the middle benches? I’ve seen pictures of backrests for the upper bench which attach to the wall and will likely be using those, but how can I make it comfortable for people who want to rest back if sitting in the middle bench? Do I need to extend the benches/space some?
• 3) Should I increase the space a bit anywhere? I am of course trying to optimize for a smaller space, but I don’t want any parts of this to be particularly uncomfortable, where it would make more sense to make some of those modifications now.
• 4) It's not reflected clearly in the diagram but I'm planning on having (B) be 26" x 52" and (D) be 22" x 52". - both of these are middle benches. Does that make sense and would it be straight forward to attach to the wall / build support for the benches? As you can see I don't have an engineer's brain so seeking feedback here.

Thank you in advance to all the helpful sauna elves on this sub.

This is part of what's become a somewhat sprawling fan fiction project that I posted a version of some other material from well over a year ago, on a now deleted account with a user name I can't even remember. That original effort ended up ballooning, splitting apart into multiple pieces, with each of those also in turn growing further. Like cancer. I suppose you could call it fluff background for a homebrew regiment (or it would be if I bothered to play the actual tabletop game, which I don't), but it's expanded beyond that to world building that doesn't even loosely connect to anything to do with the regiment.
I've been working on these off and on for months, and decided now was as good a time as any to start posting them. Feudal Japan seems to be an evergreen setting; there's a baseline of people who are always interested in it, but it seems to be especially popular right now, between the immense success of the new Shogun show and numerous recent and upcoming releases in the video game world. It's also the season of Dune, and I feel elements of its use of language have echoes here (for better or worse; I know some will find it obnoxious).
The influence is obvious of course, but if people just want 'Samurai in 40k', this isn't that. That already exists anyway; Graham McNeill played with many of those stereotypes with his Yasu Nagasena character. This is adjacent to, and chronologically after in terms of themes, such a thing. In fact, if people are burned out on that kind of thing, perhaps give this a chance, because within this world that kind of standard portrayal is essentially bullshit (though within the setting some people believe it to be true).
This is an early piece I've never been fully satisfied with, but it serves as an origin story. It provides a foundation for what follows.
******
"There is often an inverse ratio between the competence of an individual and the level of authority they achieve. A true meritocracy, if it can ever exist at all, inevitably breaks down in the face of elite nepotism. Most 'high performers' are just better parasites.
The citizens of the Imperium would shudder if they truly understood the average calibre of the dreck that is vomited up by the Schola Progenia and the War Colleges, and which pretends to defend them." - Kayil al-Haqiqat al-Mulim, Commentaries on Our Betters, samizdat, circa 864.M41, author declared Excommunicate Traitoris 866.M41. Perusal of this document below the Inquisitorial rank of Master is punishable by death.
"Attack is the secret of defence; defence is the planning of an attack." - Taiyoukeian Military Maxim
++++++Thought for the day: Doubt breeds dissent.++++++
I was never supposed to command a regiment. No onna-bushi ever is. Oh, we have ranks and are in the chain of command. But it's also understood that we're last in the pecking order; officers from every other company take priority.
But then again, it was also never supposed to be that the entirety of the upper officer corps, including all of the company captains, except for those of the units already heavily engaged on the perimeter and unable to attend, of not just one but six regiments are killed when an unlucky heretic super heavy artillery shell manages to penetrate through all 250mm of the plasteel reinforced ferrocrete of the command bunker. A one in a thousand chance. But that's precisely what happened after Colonel Tanaka, Kohi rest his soul, in his great wisdom, insisted that everyone attend a face to face meeting to coordinate the defence of the spaceport.
Everyone that is except me, as well as another captain whose company had been deployed on a training patrol, and who hadn't been heard from since the traitors made their sudden planetfall, as well as the commanders of the companies already mired in combat. No one even bothered to summon me from where I was on the other side of the compound, inspecting the siwa mounts. The plan would be decided without my input and my orders would be relayed to me afterward. Now, to be completely fair, my company and I were only technically part of the 39th, having been temporarily attached to the regiment solely for the duration of our trip to Zaebasha Epsilon, where we were to be assigned as auxilia to the Order of the Tearful Dahlia.
Given the steady stream of cultists currently pouring from the general direction of where the Adepta Sororitas Convent is located it's probably safe to assume that assignment has been rendered moot.
I should probably provide a bit more context. Zaebasha Epsilon is a relatively inconsequential Imperial world; a minor regional trade hub. Not so minor though that a significant traitor fleet didn't deem it worth a full-scale invasion. One they'd clearly been planning for a while, as the assault began with an uprising of heretofore unknown cultists hidden among the civilian population and the Planetary Defence Forces.
Interestingly, the traitor units among the PDF didn't include the garrison of the spaceport. Instead, most of that force had simply abandoned their posts and fled at the first word of the approaching enemy. Yurusenai. The fact that their retreat required them to run straight into the enemy vanguard could probably be said to be inga balancing the scales. Certainly it bought us a little more time to prepare.
The traitor fleet sent down an initial force of dropships and landers, but no more have since followed. Presumably the Imperial Navy has proven more of a challenge than the enemy anticipated and has disrupted any further landings.
Following the shattering of the command bunker, I, Captain Asakura Tomoe, as the highest ranking officer left alive on the scene, am apparently the next in line to command fifty thousand guardsmen against what must be at least half again as many traitors. Sho ga nai.
First things first: inform the junior officers of the regiments that I'm the only one left in a position to do the job and that I'm taking charge. So far it's...not going well.
"Like hell I'm going to follow the orders of some up-jumped tayuu." snarls Lieutenant Nakano, leader of a platoon from the 39th's 3rd Company, 1st Battalion, 2nd Brigade.
We're standing outside the remains of the bunker. Upon my entering the adjacent courtyard, the situation was complete mayhem. With the entire command structure currently under a pile of twisted rubble, organization within the regiments had effectively devolved entirely to the platoon level. Lieutenants and sergeants either shouted orders to their men with no sense of coherent purpose, or else stood around not even pretending they had any idea what to do. Step one was to send out runners to bring as many of the nearest platoon officers here as possible to inform them of my assumption of command. An argument could be made that I risked a repeat of Tanaka's folly, but given the circumstances I chose the most expedient course of action. Meanwhile I'd directed Fuuka to round up every vox operator she could find and begin making contact with as many companies as possible.
Right now I'm surrounded on all sides by a milling crowd of troopers and junior officers from all six regiments. Immediately behind me stands the command platoon of my own onna-bushi company. In the distance the sound of explosions and the varied snaps, cracks, and bangs of assorted las, stubber, and bolter fire can be heard. We don't have time for these bureaucratic games.
"I'm the next in the chain of command, lieutenant." I say calmly, ignoring Nakano's frankly pathetic attempt at an insult. During my previous brief interactions with him he'd struck me as a disagreeable sort. That earlier verdict is currently being confirmed.
"You're not and you know it! Have you and your little band of maiko ever even been off world before?"
"Otanomoushimasu, arsehole." Shizuka mutters from off to the side. I groan internally. Being from one of Chuoko's many hanamachi districts, she'd clearly taken particular offence. This isn't helping.
"What was that, kisama busu?!"
Rather odd combination of phrasing, that. Anyway, okay, time to put a stop to this.
"Urusai! Enough! The other surviving commanders are tied up in holding the line. I am taking command of the defence. If you won't accept that, we'll refer the issue to the kenpeitai."
All Taiyoukeian eyes now turn to a clearly overwhelmed Junior Commissar Mayoi. Poor kid, I'm sure he didn't wake up this morning expecting to have to play kingmaker. His previous duties didn't extend much beyond paperwork. I think at one point I had heard something about him wanting to be a kokutai scholar, before the Schola Progenium selected him for the Commissariat.
"Well?" Nakano snapped. "What's it going to be boy?"
"I...", Mayoi stammers. Everyone in the crowd stares at him expectantly, including those from the non-Taiyoukeian regiments, whose eyes have by now followed those of my countrymen. Though the gaijin can't follow the language of the debate, the gist of the issue is obvious to all.
"Boku wa..." Mayoi stammers out again, before his expression changes and he corrects himself. Clearly he's finally stumbled on some element of inner resolve. "No, ore wa...rather, the Commissariat, will back Captain Asakura's claim, and acknowledges her temporary assumption of the authority of a Colonel. Any who continue to dispute the issue will be considered guilty of treason and subject to summary execution."
He says Colonel, but thinking about this further, wouldn't being in command of multiple regiments technically make me a Major General? Wakaranai; kinishinai.
"You can't be serious." Nakano sneers.
"Hold!" I shout as Mayoi begins to reach for his laspistol.
I turn to Nakano. "If you're seeking death, I can give you the chance at an honourable one in combat."
His eyes narrow.
"Regardless of what you may assume about onna-bushi, I have no intention of simply cowering behind the walls of the port. I intend to make a spirited defence with all the means at my disposal."
"With no chain of command left?"
"We'll piece it back together as we go. Starting with you. I'm field promoting you to Captain and placing you in command of the 3rd Company."
"Can you even do that? Self-appoint a higher rank and then give out field promotions?"
We both glance at Mayoi. He throws his hands up. "This whole situation is...unusual. The regulations aren't entirely clear given the circumstances."
I return my gaze to Nakano. I already regret this; he doesn't remotely have the temperament for company command, but I don't have the luxury of time to find someone better, and I need him on my side.
"I need officers. Do you want the job or do I find another 3rd company platoon leader?"
"...fine."
"Good. Coordinate with my chief vox operator. She's temporarily set up in the southeast storage room. Inform your company that you're taking command, then get a sitrep from all of your platoons."
Nakano, begrudgingly, I think, salutes and leaves.
I turn to the crowd. "Ai amu komando...teking...". The crowd stares blankly. Someone in the back coughs.
Kuso. I always was hopeless at speaking foreign languages. Oh, I can read Gothic fine, but my pronunciation is incomprehensible. How the language sounds in my head and how it sounds in practice bear almost no resemblance to each other. For that matter, I find how gaijin insist on speaking their language nearly as unintelligible. And of course all the official regimental translators were killed along with the rest of the staff officers.
"Kaneshiro, where's trooper Kaneshiro?", I call out to my entourage. She's the one who had always had an ear for Low Gothic, wasn't she?
A young woman, short even by Taiyoukeian standards, and with, somewhat abnormally, brown hair, steps forward.
"Here, Capt-, ah, Colonel. It's read Kanagusuku by the wa-"
"Midori, was it?" I interrupt.
"Emerald."
"...nani?"
"It's written Midori, but it's pronounced Emerald, Colonel. Eh-mi-ra-ru-do."
My brain completely stalls for a second.
"...fine, whatever. Stick with me, you're translating today."
"Ah, hai!"
I return my attention to the crowd, slowly turning in a complete circle as I speak.
"I am taking command of the defense. As of now my authority is that of a colonel. The Commissariat has endorsed my authority. Accept this, or you will be shot. Follow my orders, and you might survive. All enlisted men are to return to their platoons, and all platoons to their companies. All first platoon lieutenants are hereby field promoted to the rank of captain and given command of their companies. Defer command of your former platoons as you see fit. You have fifteen minutes to inform your men and to get their situation reports via vox. You are then to return to your companies, where you will organize your chains of command as best as you can in short order, with the exception of the captain of each first company. These are promoted to command of their parent regiment. We're forgoing the battalion and brigade layers entirely; there's no time to organize them. These new regiment commanders are to report back to me in twenty minutes in the- is the command tent set up yet? No, don't bother translating this part. It is? Fine. In the command tent to the west of the bunker. These orders will be transmitted to those not present immediately after this. Dismissed."
Eme...Emi? No, there are already two Emi's in the company...Midori, stumbles slightly in her translating.
"...to those not present...er...presently. Dismissed."
A few in the crowd immediately leap into action, but most stand around stunned. Some of them have just jumped multiple ranks to command of thousands of troopers. None of us have time for this.
"Hayaku shite!" I shout. "Mubu!" The crowd snaps out of its stupor and scatters.
Two minutes later we're in the improvised vox station set up inside the storage room. Natsuki has just finished repeating my orders over the vox, and I've just informed Fuuka she has to move all her equipment for the second time this morning, this time to the command tent. She is visibly displeased by this. Gomennasai, Yamagishi-san. Sho ga nai.
Now I have command. The Taiyoukeian troops clearly aren't happy about it, but will accept it for now. The gaijin regiments seem much more sanguine about the whole affair.
Step two: find out what the hell the battlefield situation is.
We're standing around a large table inside the command tent. 'We' being myself and the four other newly promoted regiment commanders, a scattering of similarly newly promoted staff officers, and Midori for translation.
The battlenet is trashed, with the entire central cogitator stack having been taken out along with the command bunker. Fortunately, someone was able to find a physical map in an untouched storeroom inside what's left of the bunker. So at least we have some sense of geography.
From what Fuuka has been able to pull from the vox however, we can forget air support or reinforcements any time soon. Every orbital asset is currently engaged with the traitor fleet, including the squadron of Taiyoukeian escorts that accompanied our transports to Zaebasha Epsilon, which have been retasked as a mobile force. Every outer system picket vessel has also been recalled, and 60% of Naval assets in nearby systems are being redirected from their existing deployments to the Zaebasha system. Our job is to hold out until they can arrive.
Based on the sitreps trickling in from the companies, the enemy is pressing hard against the outskirts to the northwest of the port. Most heavily against four companies of the Munisipice Fusiliers, who have been holding the enemy back for almost two hours. But they're light infantry, and have already sustained extreme casualties. The conventional strategy would be to relieve them with heavier troops. But then what? Merely delaying the inevitable by continuously throwing troops into the meat grinder isn't going to cut it here; we don't have the numbers or firepower for a drawn out, stand up fight. 'Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.' We need to blunt this traitor assault in a meaningful way if we're to have any hope of buying enough time for the fleet to send us reinforcements. Assuming the fleet can win its own battle, of course. Best not to think about that variable.
So, terrain: the spaceport is at the top of a mountain, which makes a kind of sense. The mountain is an extinct (or at least I hope it's extinct anyway) volcanic caldera, which makes less sense. I wonder which Mechanicus Adept signed off on building a spaceport in a hole at the top of a hill? Though I have to admit it does seem to confer substantial defensive advantages. To the south and east the edges of the caldera are nearly sheer, so little risk of assault from those directions. To the north the slope is steep, but climbable; the enemy can assault up it if they must, but it won't be ideal for them. They'll prefer the more gradual incline that the main road follows to the west. Sort of obvious, since that's what they're currently attempting to force.
Beyond the slopes, relatively flat land where the enemy is currently setting up their siege infrastructure and staging their formations. Once finished they'll be able to simply send one unit after another in until we break, while their super heavy guns demolish us from a distance and we have no ability to respond. The destruction of the command bunker was wrought by a single shell fired from just one siege gun. The accuracy of such weapons is generally poor; as mentioned earlier that was a lucky shot, or perhaps one guided by darker forces. But a battery of them wouldn't need much in the way of accuracy to hit the walls.
As I look at the map I can see the entire battle ahead, and its inevitable conclusion. Not because of some extreme military prowess or foresight on my part. But because I've seen it all before. Or, well, read about it anyway. When you're in charge of a largely ceremonial unit whose regular duties don't extend much beyond feeding and grooming oversized deer, you have a lot of downtime. The Imperium has a vast array of histories, studies, war journals, and after action reports available to its officers for study. Given how sparsely populated the libraries and cogitator terminals always seemed to be when I visited them, it seems these resources are seldom utilized. Oh well. 'Fools learn from experience; the wise learn from history', as some dead Jermani reprobate or other supposedly once said.
This exact scenario, or ones nearly like it, has played out thousands of times before, on as many worlds. On-ko-chi-shin.
Specifically my mind turns to the fate of the Cadian 879th, butchered to the last man while bravely 'holding the line' on Pytanix, holding out for a relief force that never came.
The spaceport defences cannot hold. They simply can't. Without reinforcements the walls will be breached, and the garrison slaughtered. Relief could come from the fleet above before that happens, but that possibility can't be relied on. In fact it would be utterly irresponsible to do so. 'Hope for the best, prepare for the worst', as it says in the Imperial Munitorum Manual that apparently no one but me bothers to read. If the enemy finishes their preparations and can bring up their heavy equipment, we all die.
So don't let them finish. But how to stop them? Between our slowly buckling perimeter and their staging ground must be at least what, seventy thousand traitors already in or heading for the attack. At least this vanguard seems to mostly be the more rabid and disorganized insurgent troops. They've sent the rabble in first as fodder, so we have that to our advantage.
Obviously we have no time, much less the ability, to work out a carefully calculated strategy. No elegant joint operation execution formulated OPLAN. Whatever we do it'll be clunky and unrefined.
A sudden assault right into their teeth could work, if we had enough heavy armour...which we don't. Well, what do we have? Fortunately Kaede was able to find me a complete deployment manifest, in Taiyoukeian. The most relevant bits are:
Yamatainaian 39th: 20 Scylla Light Tanks
40 Taurox Armoured Personnel Carriers
40 Kokusan Armored Cars
160 Kyuho Mortars
72 Teppo Howitzers
110 Type 97 AT Guns
650 Siwa Mounted Cavalry, including my 130 women.
Hofun 401st: 30 Chimedon Assault Vehicles
50 Taurox Armoured Personnel Carriers
60 Kokusan Armored Cars
180 Kyuho Mortars
48 Teppo Howitzers
96 Type 97 AT Guns
Hiyokunan 62nd: 60 Taurox Armoured Personnel Carriers
40 Kokusan Armored Cars
1,560 Siwa Mounted Cavalry
120 Kyuho Mortars
72 Type 97 AT Guns
767th Munisipice: 120 Salamander Scout Vehicles
36 Scout Sentinels
360 Chimera Armoured Personnel Carriers
90 Light Mortars
223rd Carnelian: 30 Salamander Scout Vehicles
48 Armoured Sentinels
80 Leman Russ Battle Tanks
120 Chimera Armoured Personnel Carriers
48 Griffon Heavy Mortar Carriers
24 Basilisk Heavy Self-propelled Artillery
Veru 361st: 40 Salmander Scout Vehicles
240 Chimera Armoured Personnel Carriers
96 Lampago Light Mortar Carriers
Though, I made sure to remind myself, from the above remove 130 riders, because Captain Higashi's patrol hasn't been heard from since the start of the invasion. Regrettably, he and his men are likely already dead.
Not to mention Tarantula sentry guns in both heavy bolter and lascannon variants; 500 of them all told between the various regiments.
And the wall guns, 155mm mounts...naruhodo. Oh, not in the manifest, obviously; the spaceport wasn't where any of us were to be posted. The garrison duty was assigned to one the PDF regiments who up and fled. But I'm also not blind. The wall guns are the key. The best offence is a good defence, is it?
Well, here goes. I give my first battle order: "Alert the Fusureri...Fusu... the hinawaju, to begin preparations to pull out."
"We're abandoning the front line?" asks Colonel Kest of the 767th.
"No, not the whole thing. Just the main road. Agario, order the Carnelian 2nd company up to cover the pull back. They won't be staying long; the 767th already have many wounded, and they'll need time to retreat. The second the evacuation is complete, the 2nd will also pull back. They will move to join with the Munisipice 5th, 7th, and 8th, along with the PDF garrison units that didn't flee, as well as the Hofun 401st's anti-tank elements, in defensive positions outside the main gate."
"You want us to abandon the high ground of the perimeter?"
"Yes."
"Will we at least have a covering artillery barrage? Smoke?"
"Not on the final pull out, no. I want the enemy to clearly see the retreat and pursue it without hesitation."
"And what's stopping them from spreading to their flanks and enveloping the rest of our line from the rear? My men will be completely exposed." Kest clearly isn't enthused by my plan.
"I'm counting on the enemy being ill-disciplined fanatics and remaining focused on the 'fleeing' enemy before them." I hope Midori can convey my tone adequately.
"And retreating helps us how, exactly?" Colonel Yamashita of the 401st interjects. Altogether a much more reasonable man than Nakano, but still clearly not pleased to be taking orders from a woman. "I know you onna-bushi love your walls, but I say we counter-attack."
"I agree. And this is how our counter-attack starts."
"Uh, does someone want to explain what's going on?" says Colonel von Henvik of the Veru 361st. What? Shit. Yamashita and I had been speaking in Taiyoukeian.
Midori, obviously unsure if she should be translating this one-on-one conversation, hadn't, leaving the gaijin colonels with nothing to do but stare blankly.
"Midor-"
"Emerald."
"Kaneshiro! If you would, please. Arigatou. The reverse slope is the perfect killing ground. If we clearly retreat we can lure a large number of the enemy quickly into range of the wall guns, which, along with the deployed units, will be able to hold them for a while."
"The wall guns are something, but the Fusiliers are light infantry. And those Type 97s of yours are of limited effectiveness."
"They'll have to do. Because we'll need our heavier units for the next stage."
"So you're knowingly condemning many of my men to die?" says Kest.
"If that's what is required, yes. If we continue as we are now we all die anyway. Now, if I may continue? Thank you. After we lure the enemy in we hit behind a portion of their vanguard with a creeping barrage of every artillery piece we can muster, in order to separate a sizable section of their assault from the rest of the body. Afterwards, the Beru 36-"
"Veru." Midori corrects me.
Help me. Is this going to be a recurring thing with her?
"Beh...lu."
"Veh-ru."
Shizukani, anata wa hidoi senohikui josei, I think with exasperation. I make sure not to say this out loud, of course. Honne and tatemae, and all that.
I resume where I had left off. "...the 361st goes in with all of its Chimeras loaded with every Tarantula turret they can carry and rapidly deploys them in the gap along the ridgeline created by the artillery."
"And what will stop the rest of their vanguard from simply swarming this newly planted turret line?"
"The fact that they'll be too busy being slaughtered by our all out assault. A third of every company holding the trenches will turn inward to reinforce the turret line and help contain the enemy there, while the remaining men will advance. They'll be joined by every trooper, vehicle, and mount we can muster, which will be massed behind the front on the extreme right."
"You want us to assault THAT?!" Agario shouts in disbelief.
"Their numbers are large, yes, but the enemy has yet to bring up their best troops. We're still mostly fighting a mob. If we hit them now we still have a chance of punching through to their landing zone and disrupting their main deployment."
"And you plan to do this with an incomplete chain of command slapped together on the fly?"
"'The obstacle is the path.'"
"Is that one of your inscrutable native sages?" sneers Kest.
"No, it's one of yours." That seems to bring him up short. "Look, this is very simple: we either succeed or we die. We have no other options. Either the men and officers rise to the challenge, or they don't."
Thinking quickly, I add.
"If it makes you feel better I can put this in 'native sage' terms: yuu-oh-mai-shin."
"...eto-"
"No, Kaneshiro, don't even bother."
"You seem awfully certain that our defences can't hold, or that the fleet won't be able to come to our aid. Some would consider that heresy." says Agario. Fuzaken janee yo? Furaku bakayarou.
"Because the defences can't hold." I say flatly, managing to restrain myself. "Objectively, they can't. It's simple arithmetic and logistics. As for the fleet, I'm in no doubt that they'll turn the tide, eventually, and send forces to relieve the planet. The issue is will we still be alive when they do. And if we aren't, not only is that bad for us, but it means the Imperium will have been deprived of a vital port, which will make resecuring the planet that much harder for the Navy and the Guard. For now, the only responsible course of action is to act on the assumption that we are our only hope."
I'm met with a wall of silence in response.
von Henvik finally speaks up. "I'll note that you seem to be putting trust in the walls and the wall guns for your plan."
"Only if we enact it soon. They'll serve against the enemy vanguard, but won't hold if they're able to bring up their main force and their heavy siege equipment. Look, we either hit them first, and hard, or they grind us into dust. And if we don't hit them soon, we won't have the weight to break through their reinforced mass." Tamerai taiteki.
Finally, Kest sighs. "Agreed."
I eye the others. One by one they assent.
"And one more thing." I add. "Agario: don't you ever question my loyalty to the Kohi again. Dismissed."
After they leave I turn to Tamako. "Alert the company to begin preparations to move out."
"Taisa?"
"It's all hands on deck for this one. If we depart soon we'll likely be able to join the fight just behind the first wave of armour. Fuuka you're the only one staying, to relay as clear a picture of events over the vox as you can."
"Understood." She's clearly not happy about being left behind.
Agario isn't wrong. It is too complex a plan, with too many moving parts and variables. Too many obvious points of potential failure. It's the type of thing you would normally only attempt with regiments that have had weeks or months to practice together beforehand. But there's no time for any of that. We go now, or not at all. So we went.
The first part of the plan, the feigned retreat, essentially went off without a hitch. The enemy also obligingly took the bait. The decapitating artillery barrage also, more or less, worked. It wasn't the most coherent affair; not every gun fired in reasonable unison, but it got the job done. It was when it came time for the turret deployment that things started to go wrong. Fully fifty of the Chimeras were lost when they misjudged the timing of the conclusion of the barrage and drove right into a not yet fully concluded bombardment. But the remainder made it through, dodging the wreckage of the first wave of APCs to deploy their turrets amid the dust kicked up by the assault and the newly smoking wreckage. If anything, the smoke added to their concealment, I suppose.
With the enemy vanguard at least temporarily neutralized, there was only one real step left. By this point the entire company was on the move, pausing just long enough that I could relay via Natsuki's bulky backpack vox unit back to Fuuka for transmission to the entire field.
"Imperial assault force: attack like lightning!"
The vox reports gave a grim impression of events after that, though it was only much later that I would learn from the detailed AAR just how fraked parts of the attack had gone. Some companies advanced too soon and were torn to shreds. Others missed the launch signal and went too late, attempting to cross the field without support on their flanks. Some never got out of their trenches at all. A company of the Hofun's assault vehicles quickly got bogged down in an armour duel and were effectively removed from the greater fight. But enough advanced that it worked. The enemy second tier elements, suddenly deprived of their vanguard, hadn't been expecting to directly engage in combat so suddenly, especially not from their flank.
The 223rd Carnelian in particular made a frankly glorious account of themselves. Leman Russ tanks aren't super heavy armour; they generally aren't expected to lead this kind of charge entirely by themselves, at least not when there are so few of them. But that day they did. They punched a hole right through the enemy mass, though it cost them dearly; as we advanced behind their spear tip we traveled through a wasteland of burnt out wreckage and corpses, a twisted mix of both traitor and Imperial. The field was a nightmare. Unit cohesion broke down quickly in the chaos of battle, especially as the battalion and brigade organizational layers were entirely absent. We had an advantage in that the enemies coordination, likely never having had much coherence to begin with, degraded even more as they came under unexpected assault.
After the initial breakthrough, there were no detailed objectives. My orders for after the charge had been extremely basic and straightforward: advance on the enemy landing zones, with the principle objective being to eliminate the enemy siege guns. Either by smashing the control mechanisms, spiking the barrels, or simply igniting as much of the ammo stores as possible. Beyond that, soldiers were free to destroy anything they could find. Green smoke signals were to be fired upon destruction of something important, at the discretion of individual unit commanders.
As we approach the main enemy landing zone, I disburse my company as platoons, with instructions to spread as much damage as possible. I keep 4th platoon and the command squad with me, and begin hunting for the enemy command post. It isn't particularly hard to find; the huge blood soaked banner hanging from a giant humanoid shaped skeleton made of assorted human and animal bones attached to the roof of a rusting, crudely assembled modular structure is something of a clue. The relative skill and quality of equipment of the guards outside is another.
It's an even enough fight, at first. Until from out of the smoke a hulking giant with a goat's head emerges. I let out a heavy, resigned sigh.
"Subarashi. They have a beastman."
"Ajin-tachi." Yuko corrects me, as two more giants emerge, flanking the first. It's clear at a glance that we're on our own, the other onna-bushi squads, as well as several other Imperial units whose neighboring combats have begun to spill over into our area, all being fully occupied with cultists and traitor guard. The rest of the squad can sense what is coming and is already spreading out in formation.
"Right." I say, extending my naginata in a kuridashi anti-cavalry stance. Given the size of the enemies, it seems the most appropriate style. Training never covered this kind of scenario specifically.
"Let's get to it. Meirei shotai: totsugeki!"
It went about as well as could be expected, I suppose. Three dead: Natsuki, Yuko, and Tomoyo. Four more injured, two critically; Erika losing an arm. I got off with just losing an eye and receiving a diagonal scar across my face. In exchange all three beastman were killed, which actually doesn't seem that bad a ratio, all things considered.
After taking the slash to the face I blacked out for a while. Feeling like your entire head has been split in half can do that to you.
After we, well, my squad, had dispatched his trio of beastmen, the enemy commander himself had come out, accompanied by a further two of the hulking monsters, intending to finish off the now crippled Imperial unit. At that point Yanikawa Airi and what was left of her 3rd squad arrived, backed up a handful of troopers from the Veru 361st. There was some dispute about who actually landed the killing blow on the enemy leader, but Airi and Haneko eventually agreed to share credit. I missed the whole thing.
Eventually I regained consciousness to find a medic standing over me, with what appeared to be the remainder of my command company nearby. There seemed to be a lot fewer of them than just a few hours ago. Just off to the left a pair of Chimera APCs were unleashing furious suppression fire at a target I couldn't make out. Once I'd regained my bearings enough I was able to start comprehending the reports being made to me.
"Ushinawa reta mono ka?" I ask.
"No way to tell, but they must be heavy. Units are scattered everywhere, and most we've been able to contact have been badly mauled. Vox is a mess, but we've been receiving a steady stream of units claiming successful destruction of vital targets."
Smoke signals too, as more and more green plumes filled the sky.
The enemy commander was dead, and the super heavy guns were either mostly or maybe even entirely out of commission, with a great deal of other damage to the enemy infrastructure besides. Mission successful; the spaceport was safe.
But as for us...the enemy was in complete disarray, but our forces were shredded, and we were in the heart of the enemy camp. Eventually the foe would recover and begin to piece itself back together. We'd punched a hole straight through the enemy mob, but it had been in service of a mad dash to the enemy landing fields. Most of the enemy forces were still intact and in the field. There were klicks between us and the walls of the port, and I was in no condition to be commanding anything.
It's a good thing then, that as I was giving the order to dispatch couriers to begin rallying units that couldn't be recalled via vox, Captain Higashi chose that moment to arrive on the scene. Later I would learn the full story, that his training patrol had escaped the initial enemy assault, and that they'd been creeping around the edges of the enemy host, picking off stragglers while waiting for a chance to inflict some real damage. Unusually circumspect for someone who tries to maintain some form of bastardised hageboku ideals; usually they're overeager to throw their lives away in some glorious affirmation of their 'honour'.
Seeing the enemy camp burning around us, he didn't bother to dispute my claim to leadership, though he offered his services in commanding the withdrawal, an offer I took him up on, being in no condition to do it myself. All in all he managed the task admirably, getting the remainder of the Imperial force back to the safety of the walls, picking up scattered units along the way, with only another 10% or so losses.
Once inside there was little more the enemy could do to us. Without their siege equipment the walls and guns were effectively immune to any assault they could muster. It would be another week before the Imperial fleet finally gained the upper hand in orbit and a relief force was landed.
The final tally was brutal. Across all of the forces involved in the attack there had been 46% total casualties, dead and wounded combined. The 401st took the worst of it, suffering nearly 70% losses. That was it for them then. Completely combat ineffective until massively replenished, but with that much of the core of the Regiment destroyed the normal course of action would be for the Munitorum to simply disband the formation.
It would take command a while to sort out what had happened, but once they did, and after the ceremony to remember the many dead, among them Colonel von Henvik and Captain Nakano, what was left of the regiments were loaded onto transports. I don't know what the fate of the three gaijin regiments will be, but it's been made clear to me that the 39th, 401st, and 62nd are to return to the Taiyoukei system to be merged into a reformed and expanded regiment, under my command. Butcher a few tens of thousands of men, and they reward you for it. I've been given carte blanche to choose personnel and equipment, within reason. I'll at least be making Higashi my second in command.
But that's in the future. Right now I need to focus on figuring out my way around this new bionic eye. And a stiff drink.

Hello everyone! I meant to release this guide yesterday but life decided that wasn't going to happen. Anyways, this guide is part of the guides I'm working on to help everyone prepare for the DLC. This guide is an improved version of my old +9 Special Weapon Early guide. It is optimized to be even easier than the old guide and can potentially make you even more powerful than the old guide did.
For those that haven't read the old guide, it explained how to get a +9 Somber Weapon without killing any enemies. However, it didn't last long before being patched so that the it became harder and then even harder to perform. At this point the same guide would require using the Ruptured Crystal Tear which means killing an enemy. This guide contains an alternative workaround through a glitch, grabs the majority of flask upgrades along with a few easy Crystal Tears just because and shows how to easily get level 80 through an exploit. Given that not everyone will want to use glitches or exploits, there are 3 Main Sections to this guide.
Section 1: No Glitches or Exploits. You will end with a +6 Weapon and 12 +10 Flasks along with several Crystal Tears. All without needing to kill a single enemy.
Section 2: Wrong Warp Glitch into Leyndell. You will go up to a +9 Weapon, still without needing to kill anything.
Section 3: Optimally Exploit Elder Dragon Greyoll. You will get Death's Poker without an actual fight and then kill Elder Dragon Greyoll over and over for large amounts of experience. You can very easily get to 60 and fairly easily get to 80. You can keep going higher but it gets slower the longer you go.
WARNING: So long as you follow the warnings/notes in this guide, you will still be capable of easily getting all quest rewards without issue. Even if you should mess up though, you will at most be locked out of the Spread Out Emote, Boiled Prawn and Boiled Crab.
I hope everyone enjoys the guide and please let me know if you have any suggestions, fixes or feedback!

Section 1:

Limgrave/Weeping Peninsula/Caelid

1. Start with Golden Seed Keepsake (potentially optional if you go through the effort of getting one of the other seeds, though they are a bit out of the way)
2. Grab the First Step Grace
3. Go North to grab the Church of Elleh Grace
4. Continue North to grab the Gatefront Grace and acquire Torrent
   1. Optional: Teleport to Church of Elleh for the Spirit Calling Bell. This will be available at the Twin Maiden Husks later if missed.
5. Go East to grab the Map: Limgrave, West, Whetstone Knife and Agheel Lake North Grace
6. Go East across the bridge and South a little bit to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 1 from the corpse on the chair near the edge.
7. Go East across the road and onto the cliff above to grab the Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot beneath the crucifix.
8. Continue South to grab the Agheel Lake South Grace
9. Continue further South across the bridge, grabbing the Stonesword Key and Bridge of Sacrifice Grace
10. Go further South to grab the Morning Star from the caravan chest
11. Keep going South to grab the Castle Morne Rampart Grace
12. Even further South to grab the Map: Weeping Peninsula and then West to grab the Golden Seed
13. Climb the rocks going North and West until your past the wall then go North and East into the church to grab the Flame of Frenzy Incantation and Sacred Tear
14. Go North from the church and grab the Ailing Village Outskirts Grace
15. Make your way down on the western side(you can use the Spirit Jump to bypass the bridge) then head West then North to grab the Church of Pilgrimage Grace and Sacred Tear
16. Go South-West to grab the Fourth Church of Marika Grace and Sacred Tear
17. Fast Travel back to the Agheel Lake South Grace and head North-East to use the Spiritjump then head East to grab the Fort Haight West Grace
18. Go up the hill to grab the Golden Seed and then up to the top of the fort to grab the Dectus Medallion (Left) from the chest.
19. Head North-West from the fort to grab the Greenspill Crystal Tear and Spiked Cracked Tear from the altar beneath the large tree and then the Map: Limgrave, East near the Rune Bear.
20. Head into the building slightly East and take the lift down to the Siofra River Well Depths Grace
21. Head North-East past all the enemies to take the lift then head East to grab the Siofra River Bank Grace
22. Go East to grab the Map: Siofra River then head North to a small island to grab a Somber Smithing Stone 2 and take the Portal
23. Climb the rocks to the North then cross the rock bridge West to grab the Golden Seed and the Stonesword Key from the other end of the nearby structure
24. Optional: To avoid missing the easier chance to get the Triumphant Delight Emote from Alexander do the following.
25. Fast travel to Agheel Lake North and head North-East to grab the Murkwater Coast Grace
26. Continue North up the river and use the Spirit Jump to grab the Saintsbridge Grace
27. Go up the cliffs to the West and South to help Alexander and receive the Triumphant Delight Emote
28. Fast travel to the Siofra River Well Depths Grace and ride the lift back up then follow the road North to grab the Third Church of Marika Grace and the Wondrous Physick, Crimson Crystal Tear and Sacred Tear
29. Use the portal in the pond to the North-East to grab the Bestial Sanctum Grace
30. From here you will have access to Roundtable Hold, but you can cancel out of going until you choose to enter.
31. Go South down the road to grab a Golden Seed and further South for the Farum Greatbridge Grace
32. Cross the bridge and then head South-West behind the Minor Erdtree to Spirit Jump and grab the Fort Faroth Grace.
33. Enter the building and climb the ladder to grab the Dectus Medallion (Right) from the chest
34. Optional: If you don't intend to use the glitch in section 3, you can kill Greyoll now. DO NOT perform this step if you intend to use the Infinite Rune Glitch. Use the Morningstar to bleed Elder Dragon Greyoll. Once are very close to killing it, use the Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot and then finish killing Greyoll to receive 87,555 Runes which will allow you to get to level 33 regardless of class.
35. Note: Again, don’t kill Greyoll yet if you plan to use the Infinite Rune Glitch method to kill Greyoll multiple times to farm runes.
36. Use the Spirit Jump to the South-West to grab the Stonesword Key
37. Use Spirit Jump to head South-West and grab the Church of the Plague Grace and Sacred Tear
38. Head North-West to grab the Sellia Backstreets Grace
39. Jump over the wall to grab the Golden Seed and head South-West to grab the Sellia Under-Stair Grace
40. Continue South-West to grab the Inner Aeonia Grace
41. Go North into the canyon to grab a Somber Smithing Stone 5
42. Fast travel to the Inner Aeonia Grace and head South-East to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 4 then continue South to grab the Southern Aeonia Swamp Grace
43. Go South-West to grab the Map: Caelid
44. Follow the road South to grab the Golden Seed and then into the pit North-East to grab the Windy Crystal Tear
45. Fast travel to the Gatefront Grace and follow the road West up the hill to grab the Golden Seed and Stormhill Shack Grace
46. Grab the Stonesword Key nearby and talk with Roderika to receive the Sitting Sideways Emote and Spirit Jellyfish Ashes

Results:

• 8 Golden Seeds = 8 Total Flasks + 2 Seeds Leftover
• 5 Sacred Tears = +5 Flasks
• 4 Stonesword Keys
• Sombers 1, 2, 4 & 5
• Greenspill, Spiked, Crimson and Windy Crystal Tears
• Dectus Medallion
• Level 33

Liurnia Lake

1. Follow the road North to the end of the bridge then follow the cliffs North-West to grab the Lake-Facing Cliffs Grace
2. Go into the church South-West to grab the Sacred Tear
3. Go down the slope North-West to grab the Liurnia Lake Shore Grace
4. Head North to grab the Map: Liurnia, East then North-West to grab the Laskyar Ruins Grace
5. Go North-West to grab the Scenic Isle Grace
6. Head West to grab the Dexterity-Knot Crystal Tear near the Albinaurics then North to grab the Boilprawn Shack Grace
7. Go North-East to grab the Map: Liurnia, North and Academy Gate Town Grace
8. Head West/North-West to grab a Golden Seed
9. Go South-West to grab the Fallen Ruins of the Lake Grace
10. Head North-West to grab the Temple Quarter Grace
11. Continue North to grab the Academy Glintstone Key and then North-East to grab the Crystalline Woods Grace
12. Head North-East to grab the East Gate Bridge Trestle Grace
13. Go North-East and grab the Somber Smithing Stone 3 then use the Spirit Jump to grab the East Raya Lucaria Gate Grace
14. Use the nearby gate to grab the Main Academy Gate Grace then go North-East to grab the Golden Seed
15. Fast travel to the East Raya Lucaria Gate Grace and head North-East go grab the Bellum Church Grace and Sacred Tear
16. Go through the hole to the North and head down the slope North-East to grab the Golden Seed and Ravine-Veiled Village Grace
17. Fast travel to the Bellum Church Grace and head North-East to grab the Grand Lift of Dectus Grace
18. Head South past the tower and grab the Frenzied Flame Village Outskirts Grace
19. Go North-West through the village and up the slope to grab the Sacred Tear and Church of Inhibition Grace
20. Fast travel to the Stormhill Shack Grace and grab the Golden Seed from where Roderika was

Results:

• 4 Golden Seeds – 1 Extra Flask
• 3 Sacred Tears
• Somber 3
• Dexterity Knot-Crystal Tear
• Academy Glintstone Key

Total:

• 12 Golden Seeds – 10 Total Flasks
• 8 Sacred Tears - +8 Flasks
• Sombers 1-5
• Greenspill, Spiked, Crimson, Windy and Dexterity Crystal Tears
• Academy Glintstone Key
• Dectus Medallion

Altus Plateau

WARNING: This will not cause any problem IF DONE CORRECTLY. I emphasize this because questlines only progress when certain flags are triggered. The most common flag is grabbing a Grace in a zone. These flags do not trigger if the Grace is in an area that can’t be teleported out from. This means caves, graves, tunnels and tombs are all safe to grab the Graces in but if you grab any others then you will trigger the flag that progresses several questlines. So be careful and only grab the correct Graces.

1. Fast travel to the Grand Lift of Dectus Grace and use the Grand Lift of Dectus
2. Head far North to the ruins then over the side to grab the Golden Seed below
3. Go up the hill to the North then up past the ruins North-West to grab the Wyndham Catacombs Grace inside
4. Go down the cliff West then head North-West to grab the Golden Seed
5. Fast travel to the Grand Lift of Dectus Grace and use the Grand Lift of Dectus again
6. Follow the road far North-East then North to grab the Golden Seed and Map: Altus Plateau
7. Head South-East while hugging the cliff to grab the Perfumer’s Grotto Grace inside the cave by the plant.
8. Make your way up the stairs to the East and through the doors to grab 2 Golden Seeds and the Map: Leyndell, Royal Capital
9. Go up the slope North-East to grab 2 Golden Seeds
10. Follow the road North-East past the catapults to grab the Golden Seed
11. Go far South down the slope, past the grace and around the back of the mountain to the use the Spirit Jump to grab the Sacred Tear in the church to the West
12. Carefully fall down the cliff to the North-West behind the church then cross the road and go down the cliffs to the North-West to grab the Sacred Tear from the church.
13. Go down and then up the cliffs to the North and use the Spirit Jump to get to the bridge.
14. Cross the bridge West and hug the cliff while continuing West to quickly climb the tall ladder near the Iron Virgins
15. Head up the slope to the East to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 6
16. Note: This stone is optional if you plan to use the Wrong Warp glitch to reach Leyndell early.

Results:

• 8 Golden Seeds = 2 Extra Flasks
• 2 Sacred Tears = +2 Flasks
• Somber Smithing Stone 6

Total:

• 20 Golden Seeds – 12 Total Flasks
• 10 Sacred Tears - +10 Flasks
• Sombers 1-6
• Greenspill, Spiked, Crimson, Windy and Dexterity Crystal Tears
• Academy Glintstone Key
• Dectus Medallion

Section 2:

Wrong Warp Glitch to Leyndell

This section will use a glitch to Wrong Warp into Leyndell for the Somber 6 and 7 there. Following this section will cause Gideon Ofnir’s dialogue to change early but will not affect any questlines or rewards. Technically you can do this without causing the dialogue skip/change in Gideon by not grabbing any of the Graces I mention. However, if you die then you have to Wrong Warp and run all the way back again.

1. Fast Travel to the Fourth Church of Marika Grace then head South-East to the tower and open the chest at the top to grab the Divine Bridge Grace
2. Fast Travel to the Roundtable and Force Close the game (Alt+F4 on PC) just as the loading bar is full. If you Force Closed early, you won’t have moved when you load back in. If you Force Closed late, you will be at Roundtable Hold. It may take a few tries to get the timing right, especially on consoles.
3. Once it works, continue forward to grab the East Capital Rampart Grace
4. Go outside and run South past the enemies, hugging the right-side and jump down to the path below.
5. Jump onto the rooftops and head West to the road.
6. Run South-West past the Erdtree Avatar to grab the Avenue Balcony Grace through the doorway.
7. Run North-West down the stairs and jump over the South railing onto the roof then North-West onto the ground and around the building jump down the well.
8. Make your way through the gate, past the rats, down to the ground below going East and into the room on the left to to grab the Underground Roadside Grace
9. Leave the room and head East then fall into the opening in the wall on the South side
10. Get on the pipes and make a right at the first turn.
11. Hop down onto the pipe below on the left to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 6 while dodging the Imp behind you.
12. Run up the pipes in front of you until you hit the wooden planks, then fall down onto the pipe far below you. Either direction works but left takes less damage.
13. Fall down to the bottom, crouch and hide behind the fallen pipe.
14. Wait for the lobster to the North-East to walk away with it’s back behind you and then start running while crouched to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 7, but be careful of the second lobster to the East.
15. Optional: Go past the second lobster to get into the room on the right and grab the Leyndell Catacombs Grace. You can then easily grab Mohg’s Shackle from behind the second lobster. This will save you effort later.
16. Fast Travel to the Fort Faroth Grace and head far West past the dragons while hugging the North cliff to grab the Somber Smithing Stone 9
17. Go back up the slope and further West to grab the Map: Dragonbarrow then head North to kill the Scarab for a Somber Smithing Stone 8 but be careful as it will explode.
18. You can get it to fall off the cliff to avoid the explosion more easily.

Results:

• Somber 7-9
• Potentially: Mohg’s Shackle

Total:

• 20 Golden Seeds – 12 Total Flasks
• 10 Sacred Tears - +10 Flasks
• Sombers 1-9
• Greenspill, Spiked, Crimson, Windy and Dexterity Crystal Tears
• Academy Glintstone Key
• Dectus Medallion
• Potentially: Mohg’s Shackle

Section 3:

Exploit Gravity for Death's Poker

This section will exploit the map to kill the Deathrite Bird that drops Death's Poker so that Greyoll can be quickly and easily killed with minimal stat or time investment.

1. Fast Travel to the Southern Aeonia Swamp Grace and rest at it until nightfall to spawn the Deathrite Bird.
2. Head South-East, past the bird and hide under the cliff of the small hill next to the birds. It will be a very narrow spot.
3. Wait here and the Deathrite Bird will accidentally jump over the edge of the cliff and you will acquire Death's Poker.
   1. Honestly, this may take a few tries as it's a little random. Sometimes the bird will jump over the edge immediately. Sometimes it will hit you and knock you off the edge over and over. With practice, you can dodge the few attacks that can hit you and vastly improve the chance of a good outcome, but it will work eventually even if you do nothing but go to the correct spot. Just keep in mind it's random and may take longer than you think or no time at all.
4. After acquiring Death's Poker: Use the Runes from the Deathrite Bird to get 15 Strength, 17 Dexterity, 11 Intelligence and 16 Mind. You will need the full Strength requirement as it must be one-handed for this method to work easily. The Mind is so that you can do 4 attacks between flasks instead of 3 so it isn't strictly necessary but speeds things up.
   1. You will only need 10 Strength, 12 Dexterity, 11 Intelligence and 16 Mind if you equip Radagon's Soreseal from Fort Faroth.

Optimally Glitch Infinite Runes from Elder Dragon Greyoll

This section will optimize the Infinite Rune Glitch. The glitch can be failed so make sure to pay attention while doing it or you might accidentally lose access to the glitch.
Make sure that you have the following so that you perform the method.

• Torch: Purchased from Merchant Kale near the Church of Elleh Grace.
• Death's Poker: Gotten in the previous sub-section.
• 15 Strength, 17 Dexterity and 11 Intelligence
• Optional - 16 Mind
• Optional - Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot: There are 5 available fairly easily. If done optimally, each can be used for 3 kills which means they are worth 45000 runes each.
  • 1 can be found while going through Section 1. It's the one East of the bridge on the cliff and below a crucifix
  • 1 can be found at the bottom of the cliff behind the First Step Grace. Go South from the First Step Grace and use the Spirit Jump to reach the bottom of the cliff to grab the Foot.
  • 3 can be purchased from Patches after meeting him in Murkwater Cave, which can be found by following the river North of bridge near Agheel Lake. They cost 600 each.

Once you have everything you need, here is how to perform the method.

1. Setup your equipment.
   1. Equip Death's Poker in your first Right Hand slot.
   2. Equip the Torch in your second Right Hand slot.
   3. Convert all of your flasks to Flasks of Cerulean Tears and put them on your pouch/item wheel.
   4. Put the Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot in your pouch.
   5. Make sure Torrent is in your pouch so you can quickly get on him.
2. From the Fort Faroth Grace: Run over to Greyoll, ideally on the small pile of mushrooms as that is the most consistent spot to hit from.
3. With Death's Poker, L2/LT then R1/RB to use it's special attack then create a line of flames.
4. Swap to the Torch and, as soon as you see Greyoll's healthbar take a spike of damage from the Frost proccing, hit with the torch to reset the Frost effect.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you run out FP. With 16 Mind that means 4 times. Stop on a Torch hit so that the flames continue accumulating Frost.
6. Drink a Flask to recover FP and repeat steps 3-5 until Greyoll is one or two Frost procs away from death.
7. When Greyoll is near death, use the Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot.
8. Finish Greyoll off as quickly as possible but be VERY careful to try to finish her with an L2/LT without an R1/RB. This is important because the second hit will waste time.
9. The second her healthbar hits zero, get on Torrent and RUSH to the Grace to rest at it. Once you rest at it, you will receive the Runes, but if you take too long then Greyoll will die and you will no longer be able to do the method.
10. Assuming you did it correctly, get back behind Greyoll and do it all again. However, don't use the Gold-Pickled Fowl Foot again until the effect runs out. If you do this correctly, you will be able to get 3 kills out of a single Foot.
11. Assuming you got all 5 Feet, you can easily get level 80. If you only grabbed the 2 that aren't purchased by Patches, you can easily get level 60.

Bonus Section AKA Good/Early Somber Weapons

With all the previous sections complete, you have the option for a +9 Somber Weapon but you may not have any you want to use. Below are some good options depending on your build and where to acquire them.

• Death's Poker: Gotten during Section 3, this weapon is great for an Intelligence Build that isn't purely focused on casting spells. The Frost effect and wide area of damage from it's special makes it extremely powerful for a starting weapon and will continue being great into the end game.
• Bloodhound's Fang: Reward for killing Bloodhound Knight Darriwil in the Forlorn Hound Evergaol, South of the Agheel Lake South Grace in South-East Limgrave. This weapon is great for Quality or Faith-Buff builds. It's natural bleed and great special ability makes it an amazing starter weapon and is widely considered the best beginner weapon and is also one of the weapons of choice for speedrunners.
• Reduvia: Reward for killing the Invader outside Murkwater Cave. This weapon is generally undervalued but is an amazing Bleed weapon for Arcane Builds. The special attack alone makes this weapon worth using to the end game on anything that can bleed, however it becomes almost useless against anything that can't bleed so it will require other weapons to cover it's weaknesses.
• Golden Halberd: Reward for killing the Erdtree Sentinel near the First Step Grace. It's a great starting weapon for Faith/Strength builds, but it is unlikely to follow you to the end game.
• Dragon Communion Seal: Reward from killing a specific Banished Knight located inside the Fringefolk Hero's Grave behind the Imp Statues next to the Stranded Graveyard Grace at the beginning of the game. This weapon is the best Seal in the game for Arcane focused Faith casters. It allows an Arcane Build to cast powerful Incantations with minimal Faith investment. It is especially effective at casting Dragon Communion Incantations so it can easily follow you to the end game once you have the Incantations to use it with.

With this, you will be powerful enough to take on the end game with only having killed 3 enemies, or mid game without having killed any. I hope everyone enjoyed the guide and be sure to check out my other Guides.