I have my pre-op appointment on 5/28, and my surgery day is two weeks after on 6/11
I had already had the first apportionment with my surgeon early in April, when I decided to go ahead and have the surgery with his clinic. That day he recommended to me the best procedure for my body (I'm in between a mini-TT and a TT), discussed pros and cons, and shown me pictures of his patients before and after. I agreed to get a mini-TT with lipo of flanks and some MR which they always do during TT surgery, and that if during the surgery he thinks I will be better with a TT he can go ahead and decide to "upgrade me" for regular TT. The quote I got would be the same for both procedures, and he told me that recovery was comparable and the length of the scar would be the same for me.
On the 5/28 I have several appointments:
1 - blood test (fasting) - not sure what they are looking for here
2 - anesthesia check - including electrocardiogram
3 - later that day, appointment with my surgeon to review the results of those tests and go over questions and informed consent forms.
I want to make sure I don't forget any important question. After reading a lot in reddit I know that I want to tell him or ask him:

• It is important for me to address the area above my belly button (B belly), so I would prefer to get a TT rather than go for the mini and go through the whole thing only to fall short.
  
• Confirm that he will do MR (I have much abdominal distension, no babies but from weight gain and loss, and it affect not just my hanging belly but my very bad pelvic floor)
  
• Discuss how low/high he creates the scar. The day of the first appointment i thought I would only get a lipo so the TT proposal came as a shock and I didn't pay attention to that in the pictures.
  
• Confirm what compression garments I need to buy and what they will provide me with. So that I have time to buy them. I might ask this to his assistant, she is wonderful and will be the best for those details.
  

For the first meeting the idea of getting a surgery was just sinking in, so I appreciate this second meeting to ask more questions and clarifications. When are your pre-op appointments coming up and what are your top questions to discuss?

Indrajaal successfully demonstrates the curtain of the misconception which is created by the Indian God Indra. The miracle of the net enables taming of the creatures and amassing the power to enslave and command other living beings by bending their minds. In the ancient India, Vashikaran was the great technique that used to be the ruler’s and suitor’s invincible tool for gaining power over another person along with the help of the mystical ways. Sur Indrajaal Vashikaran includes the mind, emotion, relationship, and magical event manifestation through the using of mystical or supernatural powers.
Indrajaal Vashikaran
Origins and History
Indrajaal Vashikaran is believed to have been born in the Indian lands from the very ancient times. When the wandering sages and saints invented rituals, sorcery, black magic and charms, they intended to gain mastery over the happenings and people. Also, the Hindu holy books and texts as well as the ancient western spiritual traditions present such references as to mind control techniques. Through generations, the masters of the hidden vashikaran, handed down the techniques that were based on oral communication which was guarded day and night until today.
Back in the medieval ages, kings and rulers wanted to be the magical masters to do yog sadhanas and control their enemies. Myths describe us of their special rituals which are reserved for powerful witches of their tribe used dolls, artifacts, gems and herbs. Kath Bahador was even a court astrologer of the emperors of the Mughal dynasty, who was full of magic and mysticism that was used to gain access to their superiors.
Not only the smart people could communicate with the spirits using such spells. And outside the professional level, people too experimented: for instance, to repair their love, relationships, riches, and success, they used vashikaran. The last variable we can mention is the esoteric science of Indrajaal Vashikaran which is the most used science in Indian subcontinent.
How It Works?
Indrajaal Vashikaran is based on the idea that there is a cosmic energy that binds everything in this universe together. Through meditating one could achieve this by unconsciously concentrating all one's spiritual power without following any specific types of poojaas, havans, rituals or the meanings of the mantras and other objects to the desired person.
And so, one can assert that social interaction is not merely about picking up someone's belongings such as hair, nails, or clothes but it also involves an act of ritual in which the energy linkage is believed to be formed. Not only the services of phantom chants, yantras, crystals or photographs but also they play an amazing role in this process. I through equal parts of devoted belief, visualizing images vividly, and praying to either gods or their opposites, the process of shrinking the will of the other person begins.
The Practitioners
There are people who are born to be good practicing black magic in some parts of the country and are known to be Vashikaran specialists. They are known as masters of the mental manipulations. Many let the word vashikaran be associated with them and others take baba, guru and magicians as conjurers and shoddy magicians. Apart from them different assemblies and love spells employ the same methods such as tying lemons, chilies, using ashes and so on.
When it is about the extraordinary means to make a living and the turning points of one's career, one may need to be informed with something specific and personal only. These tantriks are the invisible asset in the policy of the conspiring politicians during elections in favor of their desirable candidates to produce a satisfactory result. Altogether, there are ornaments that have privacy related to gemstones, rudrakshas, money, wealth, and relationships.
In this area there exists the misgivings of frauds and cheats where a person promises something that never happens. To have entanglement with a good person right from the beginning is vital if you are going to look for a vashikaran specialist.
Controversies Around It
In spite of the fact that astrology has been practiced for many years, this conflict remains an issue whose point of contention is just as valid as always. The argument put forth by her opponents is that it is unethical magic, which is manipulative and is performed against the person who has no free will.
Furthermore, the instances of people being financially abused to think that vashikaran is a technique which can be used to control others are now many. The lady is involved unfairly in the Vashikaran which she has nothing to do with rather she is the one that is charged with the serious accusations.
But, they admit that the Olympians do not interfere with someone's being or fate unless needed. This is how they see it: undoubtedly the use of one's brain, desire, and lead conduct into the way another person think. A child thinks about a parent the exact way as a parent thinks for a child. Teachers play a central role in a student's achievement helping them gain more knowledge.
Those participants treat each other imaginatively as they can just to please one another. We can say that vashikaran is a concentrated form of this nature power that can be described by the metaphor in the poetic form, manifesting in the physical and mental levels both of the sorcerer and the target person.
The offbeat element of Indrajaal Vashikaran has been to inspire my thinking with attention for a long time. The same thing applies to both the small and the strong powers; they must rely on wisdom and caution so that the evil of good is not done.
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A subliminal is something that will work regardless of a mindset. What it does is it reprograms your mind by replacing your old beliefs with new ones. But why do people still don't get results? 1) Maybe they're not consistent? (They switch playlist often) 2) Maybe they have a strong resistance (negative thoughts towards their desire or the subliminal itself) 3) Not having faith in Subliminal at all?
4) Fear of not getting results if stayed consistent to a certain sub (and thinking that they wasted their time doing that)
5) Always seek perfection
The technique that you can add up to your day to day routine.
1) Make a new chat or group chat in your Whatsapp or Telegram or you can even create a new email and name it "Universe" (or "God" if you're religious). And act as you're writing a mail to the Universe/God. Thanking them on how grateful you are. How happy you are about your desires, Describe how they helped you in your journey, how you always get results. Inshort, take it this way, you're a person who met God/Universe months ago and they gave you a blessing for your successful life and now everything works in your favor. So what you do is write them as if you're writing an email to God/Universe on how great your journey is going and how thankful you are to them.
Once you do this, use text to speech to convert it to audio, I would recommend https://www.dupdub.com/text-to-speech
They have emotive speech. Which means the words are emotionally charged, which will help the subconscious grab better. Now use that audio and make a silent subliminal by following Rasen_God's post. https://www.reddit.com/useRasen_God/comments/z5r7iu/how_to_create_a_subliminal_audio_requires_pc/ Yes you can use a theta audio and layer it. Note: i wouldn't recommend layering affirmations, you can do it but max two should be fine.
And now comes the fun part, once you download that audio, now use it as your alarm at 3:33 am. The reason I said 3:33 am is because every person has different sleep schedule. And here comes another interesting part, there's something called REM(Rapid Eye Movement) period: "The phase of sleep in which most dreams occur. During REM sleep, a person’s brain activity, breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure increase, and the eyes move rapidly while closed. The muscles in the arms and legs become temporarily unable to move. REM sleep is thought to play an important role in memory and learning. During normal sleep, a person goes through four to five sleep cycles that last about 90 minutes each and include both REM sleep and non-REM sleep (light to deep sleep). Also called rapid eye movement sleep."
And the REM period doesn't happen consistently it lasts up to 90mins each cycle. And i feel like the most common will be around 3am.(3:33 is just for being fancy - angel number). Altho You can use multiple alarms but i believe one should be good n enough. What i feel like the sub will work the best in REM period.
An example of the script: I feel so good today. I love myself so much. I just love everything about me Thank you universe. i’m so grateful to you for making everything work in my favour. thank you universe, thank you for helping a lot in my journey. I am an expert in manifesting now. I usually get all the results within 24 hours now. Sometimes i get results instantly. isn’t that impressive? I recently used a subliminal for clear skin and guess what! i got results only within just a few minutes. Isn't that so coooool? life is so easy now. my skin is so clean and clear now. i am so handsome and good looking. thank you universe, thank you for making my skin so clear. i remember, few days ago a girl came up to me and said that i look really very attractive and i have a glass skin. she also said that my face was the most glowing and charming face that she ever saw in her entire life. i am just so happy today. I'm so grateful to the universe for making everything work out perfectly, I'm so full of love and laughter, it's like I have a giant smile on my face constantly."
I am so happy i finally understood detachment. I don’t expect results anymore. its funny to see how i just don’t care about them anymore. thank you universe. thank you for making me detach from all of my expectations and making me live in the end every time. I am also having a very good quality sleep these days. And you know what? I get super vivid lucid dreams everyday about my desires and i love it. Yes, you heard it right, i lucid dream every night. I feel so fresh and energetic waking up early morning. I feel so confident every time. My life has improved a lot, so much improved that if i listen to a particular subliminal topic today, i get results within 24 hours anyhow regardless of anything. Isn’t that cool? I'm bursting with gratitude and joy, the universe has done such an amazing job and the results are mindblowing!. I have the best life ever, my life is so good, i am so happy, thank you universe, i love you.
------What to include in the script----- 1) self love
2) detachment
3) gratitude and joy
4) an example of how a person complimented you 5) you've become expert in manifesting now
there's an option to select what emotion you want. I personally like "excited" and "cheerful"
You see the bold paragraph? if you choose to layer, make it a bit different than than the first para. I know some people say using same voice for layers still works but i like to play safe, so use different voices for each of them
One tip from me: Control your emotions, Yes you heard that right. If you had a bad day, be happy still. Always be happy no matter how bad the situation is. I know its hard to now show up the actual emotions but that's what sorts out the winners from the losers. When you learn to control your emotions, you get more n more stable. Your subconscious is no more messed up now, i believe it aligns with the conscious (which makes it easy to manifest).
-----------The End-------------
Also, i have started using subliminals now. I've just been following knowledge all these days. I'm 2 months into subs, i haven't been consistent with any of the subs, i enjoyed researching more than listening to subs. I'm now kinda done with all the study(will still do a lil bit everyday).
This will be my routine.
I divided it with two phases. 1) Morning 2) Night
before that, i want to say that i'm kinda interested in v1er's subliminals rn. Yes i know making your own subs are better but still, idk i really liked v1per's style of making subs and affirmations. 1) Morning
I will listen to MOAB 1.0 and then my playlist 3x-5x
2) Night
I will listen to MOAB 2.0 and then my playlist Note: If you're using v1per's subs as me, use the LION formula for night, i do that too. So listen to 2.0 once and then LION playlist once.
That's all
Yes i know MOAB 1.0 and 2.0 both in a day might be overkill but i have a solution for that 😉
(S Module)
{S} = {MOAB 1.0 Legacy[ItsaKid(2024)]} X {MOAB 2.0[ItsaKid(2023)]}
{R Module}
{R} = {MOAB 1.0 Legacy[ItsaKid(2024)]}
{R} = {MOAB 2.0[ItsaKid(2023)]}
{E Module}
{E} = {MOAB 1.0 Legacy[ItsaKid(2024)]
-obsession
-crying
-mental breakdowns
-nightmares
-sweating
-eating more
-pain
-headache
-sore throat
-negative thoughts}
{E} = {MOAB 2.0[ItsaKid(2023)]}
-obsession
-crying
-mental breakdowns
-nightmares
-sweating
-eating more
-pain
-headache
-sore throat
-negative thoughts}
Yes you can use the A module for a certain sub and add a magic formula there. Here's the magic formula:
example:
{A]= { Clear skin [Synergy(2017-ish)

• heal scars
• pale skin + overnight results }

note: these are just my theories that i came up with. and its experimental. I haven't tested it yet. I just have tested the MOAB E module thing and it worked for me, i didn't feel a single side effect at all. Sometimes i felt a few of these, but that just lasted like a few seconds lol. The E module is powerful.
Upvote if you like the post, your upvotes make me feel like it was worth writing the post and it inspires me to write more such. :)
peace

To start it of with context, Some of us are new to D&D, I have played a few games but not a Full campaign before this yet (right now I have 2 other campaign lined up that I just started playing on with this one so this is my very first full campaign). and so previously this is after the 2nd session of the campaign, we were levelled up to 5 (from 2nd level to 5 for campaign purposes) and for some of us (including me) this was our first time being in that level. it's a magic academy themed and we're like adventurers who are chased by a powerful evil mage cult, so we seek refuge in a magic academy due to an acquaintance that we formerly helped. so we transitioned from a normal D&D to magic academy homebrew stuff.
I'll get to the point, so at first this is like 3rd session together, DM gave us a test that went horrible for us (since we're new, so no strategy talking and trying to avoid metagaming obviously) against High-levelled AC enemies with super high damage for some reason that barely any of us can hit (we're also forced to be in a Spellcasting subclasses) so we failed and died one at a time, at first that was understandable like hey it's a test on the first day of the academy. after that DM talking to us as an NPC Bard Professor character, telling us that we were supposed to do something ridiculous about it (like dance with the enemies, even though we have no bards) and yeah it's the first day so we failed on this. and some plot things happened like devices that were sabotaged and stuff for other students who also failed almost died.
So then the DM introduced a Downtime mechanic(Text based like solo RPG ) we get to do adventures alone or with a +1 member sometimes, and it's like everything we do on downtime is failing or going horrible for some reason. even though we get High rolls? nah sorry the checks are higher so we should've rolled a 20+, I had an 18 Roll last time but the roll that I needed was 19 DM said. want to go to a normal smith shop? sorry all of them are full of customers go to this suspicious shop alley way and check out this homebrew that I did that is a scroll that is RNG for a weapon which cost most of your money. want to do a normal quest? here some shit reward quest where you can barely buy/get anything or get in line to a guild attendant for a good quest that is long that it will take ages before you get to it. and lastly since it's text it was easy to get misunderstood, can't even convey right emotion on the the text thing, and get misinterpreted the wrong way, realized that when a friendly ghost librarian suddenly went angry at my character and chased him out.
and to summarize it "DM gave us exhaust most of the time (disadvantages on rolls and other debuffs), Powerful enemies that we can't handle at all, and NPC's that are hard to trust or like" (Cause DM gave us trust issues 1st session when we encountered a Changeling that manipulated us), so from exhaust he decreased our rolls, decreased money for economy changes or he either inflates it, and he spit on our characters dignity like now they look pathetic that I don't even wanna play him anymore, it's only been a few sessions in and it's been rough. I don't know about the others who did their Downtime alone (heard that some are also was not having a good time) but I am not having fun with this Campaign at all. barely any rewards, nothing good has happened to our party yet, and it's either bad rolls or bad actions due to being inexperienced. compared to the other campaign I played this is horrible, this one is just torture for me and not fun at all. I even tried to be creative on my spells, but it either fails due to enemy "high AC" or "high levels" that skill checks won't do crap, DM even manipulating the story for us to fail anyway (it felt like it, since I HAD HIGH ROLLS most of the time)
I don't want to end the campaign because of disputes or to leave the campaign just because I don't agree with DM on what's happening. it is my first ever campaign and I also felt bad for my character since nothing has turned out good to him, so I'm just venting here.

Hi, I'm a refugee living in Belgium for the last few months.
And here's the thing. The war started, we moved here, I lost my job, and my fiance now earns much less money because of higher taxes.
Actually, I don't have my own money. If I want something, I can ask for it, but the first strategy is economy, and that drives me crazy.
So yeah, I need a job, BUT I don't know Dutch/French. I've just completed Dutch A1, and it's OFC not enough for a normal job.
Also, I had real health issues because I got a strange disease after moving here that blocked my vestibular system. (It seems like Belgium doesn't like me at all.)
And here are several options:

1. Start attending Dutch full-time university courses

• Pluses: 6 months and I'll have B1, friends (probably), some kind of integration • Minuses: no money, no time

1. Work for my home country remotely (near 1500 euros) + attend evening courses

• Pluses: free time, money, possibility to travel • Minuses: lack of integration, B1 gained in one year, no language practice

1. Start working with mentors who will help me find a job in Belgium with English

• Pluses: free time for my additional education, kind of integration, maybe I'll find a job, integration and language practice • Minuses: I don't know if it actually works; if it doesn't, I'll lose the time.
There's a chance (a little chance) we'll be pushed from here because our "temporary protection" ends on March 25, and there's no guarantee for renewal of documents. So imagine I'm finishing a university Dutch course and being pushed from here, -6 months. Dank u.
I don't know which way to choose to live. This is a stupid question, I know, but I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons, and there's still no answer nor in de heart, nor in de braine
I will appreciate any advice. I know the real pros of money/job, but I don't know if the language will help me survive here that much. I feel like Im a loser right now and there s no right solution..
FYI, I'm an IT worker, technical writemarketeQA. If it's matters

🎒𝗗𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻 𝗘𝘅𝗮𝗺 𝗼𝗿 𝗣𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗿? 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗼 𝗶𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂! 𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝗺𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗰𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻:
(** 𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀 𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐋𝐘 **)
Name: Edwin
Phone: 310-990-6314 (** 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐭 **)
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𝐌𝐘 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐌 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐊𝐒 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔:

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Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

Sections are broken down by purpose/use. Look up firearm safety rules before buying! Preferably try to rent and shoot the handgun before you buy it!
I'm not trying to gatekeep here or something so if you have experience shooting something or have really looked into a handgun that you think should be added to the list let me know or just mention it in the comments section below.
​
Hunting
(As of now, I do not have experience in this area and haven't looked into it much at all. I'd say I'm uneducated on handguns for hunting purposes so for the time being I'll leave it to others in the comments section to provide sufficient advice)
​
Self Defense

• Sig Sauer P365
• Springfield Hellcat

The Sig Sauer P365 is such a solid option. I have at least 2,500 rounds through mine and I've never had an issue. The recoil is surprisingly low. The muzzle jump is surprisingly low. The night sights that come standard are great. This is personal but the ergonomics and controls are great for me.
I've never shot the Springfield Hellcat, but the multiple videos online of the 10,000 round tests without failures cannot be ignored. The ergonomics aren't for me, but I would trust it with my life.
Many people might suggestion the Glock 43x, but the muzzle jump is quite a bit more than the Sig. If your hands get sweaty, or wet in general, you would have to get Talon grips or something for the G43x because Glock frames lack worthwhile stippling/grip. And again, the Sig has that covered.
​
Home Defense

• Smith & Wesson M&P M2.0
• Springfield Echelon
• Canik Mete (the Rival or TP9 are pretty similar and fine options too.)
• H&K VP9
• Sig Sauer P320
• Walther PDP
• CZ 75-SP 01
• Arex Zero 2 S
• Beretta PX4
• CZ P10F

Everything above is really reliable, has a good trigger and good sights. The only clear negative with something in this list is the muzzle jump of the Walther PDP. If you get a PDP and struggle with controlling that muzzle jump I highly recommend getting a weapon light (as you should have anyways for all home defense firearms), a tungsten guide rod from Walther, and a brass backstrap from LOK Grips.
I don't think Glock is worth getting anymore because all of the striker-fired guns above have similar reliability to a Glock, but also have better sights and trigger. Check out the other options above as far as ergonomics and controls go.
​
Competition (which competition? - revolver? IDPA? USPSA (which division?)?)
You could use the handguns in the Self Defense section above in IDPA, that's what that competition is geared towards anyway. The below two are solid options for something like USPSA Limited Division)

• CZ Shadow 2
• G34 (a good cheaper option compared to the CZ Shadow 2, but it'll need more work out of the box... trigger, sights, I like tungsten guide rods and talon grips as well)

I'm all ears if anyone has anything in mind for better value, but the CZ Shadow 2 was one of those guns I honestly wanted to hate. I've always loved the looks of 1911's/2011's and so when I got into handguns and learned top competitors are often using a 2011 or a CZ Shadow 2 I just needed to find something to hate about this gun to put it behind me and never look back. It just never happened though. This pistol is incredible. The trigger is amazing. The grip, as ridiculous as it looks, is very practical. Super reliable, like any other CZ.

Im taking the june 1st SAT and in the practice test i wrote yesterday i got a 1320. I took the sat last year and got a 1200. Im trying to get a 1400 this time.
My plan for the next 17 days is to solve QAS reports everyday and take practice tests from bluebook on the weekends cuz i got 2 more left. Is that a good idea to get a 1400?

I'm stuck
Hi, I'm a refugee living in Belgium for the last few months.
And here's the thing. The war started, we moved here, I lost my job, and my fiance now earns much less money because of higher taxes.
Actually, I don't have my own money. If I want something, I can ask for it, but the first strategy is economy, and that drives me crazy.
So yeah, I need a job, BUT I don't know Dutch/French. I've just completed Dutch A1, and it's OFC not enough for a normal job.
Also, I had real health issues because I got a strange disease after moving here that blocked my vestibular system. (It seems like Belgium doesn't like me at all.)
And here are several options:

1. Start attending Dutch full-time university courses

• Pluses: 6 months and I'll have B1, friends (probably), some kind of integration • Minuses: no money, no time

1. Work for my home country remotely (near 1500 euros) + attend evening courses

• Pluses: free time, money, possibility to travel • Minuses: lack of integration, B1 gained in one year, no language practice

1. Start working with mentors who will help me find a job in Belgium with English

• Pluses: free time for my additional education, kind of integration, maybe I'll find a job, integration and language practice • Minuses: I don't know if it actually works; if it doesn't, I'll lose the time.
There's a chance (a little chance) we'll be pushed from here because our "temporary protection" ends on March 25, and there's no guarantee for renewal of documents. So imagine I'm finishing a university Dutch course and being pushed from here, -6 months. Dank u.
I don't know which way to choose to live. This is a stupid question, I know, but I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons, and there's still no answer nor in de heart, nor in de braine
I will appreciate any advice. I know the real pros are money/job, but I don't know if the language will help me survive here that much.
FYI, I'm an IT worker, technical writemarketeQA.

DC Next Proudly Presents:

THE NEW TITANS

In Shadow of Kestrel
Issue Nine: War Dove
Written by AdamantAce, GemlinTheGremlin & PatrollinTheMojave
Edited by Deadislandman1 and Voidkiller826
 
Next Issue > Coming Next Month
 
 
“Raven!”
Slade’s gruff voice pierced through the deafening, wave-like roars in Raven’s head, but the rage was too much to bear. Her hands sizzled as hellfire danced in her palms, her body readying for another attack. She locked eyes with a reptilian soldier, dismounting his simian steed and charging on foot, but as she lunged forwards to strike him, she watched a man fly into her path. Slade Wilson caught the young Titan’s hand and pushed, throwing Raven backwards.
“Come on, kid, snap out of it!” But as Slade’s words fell on deaf ears, he felt the familiar sting of a fist to his jaw, a crack echoing in his ears. He recoiled from the attack but powered through his injury and stood his ground. Sinking his heels into the ground, he locked eyes with the girl before him. Her face seemed contorted and uncanny, as if all of the rage she was feeling was pouring out of her. She groaned angrily as she thrusted her head downwards, her forehead making contact with Slade’s teeth, before pulling her head back up again in preparation for another attack.
Before she could make one, however, one of the lizardmen had almost reached the warring duo’s sides, and as he lunged forward with his long spear, he made contact with Raven’s side. A small rip formed in the side of Raven’s outfit, which seemed to only anger her further. However, it did seem to distract her enough; Mar’i fired off a single Starbolt which struck only the ground - a warning shot.
“Raven! Please!” the half-Tamaranean cried out. But the Raven she knew was buried under unfathomable amounts of fury; she ignored her teammate’s call and instead flew forwards and swung out at the reptiloid. The strike glowed with red flame, sending the creature skidding across the floor, barely conscious. Slade spotted a flash of something else on her face, as if she was finally able to fight back against the endless rage - pain, perhaps, or anguish. But in an instant, it was gone.
That flicker of something other than white-hot anger was enough for Slade.
He clutched his side as his still open wound began to ache, the bandages feeling wet with fresh blood. His jaw felt crooked, and as he gritted his teeth, it felt as though they sat differently atop each other. And yet, he clutched his staff tightly in one hand, and with the other he beckoned to Raven.
“Kid, you’re fighting it, I know you are!” Slade felt his mouth filling with blood rather than saliva.
Within a moment, Raven’s attention was locked on the white-haired man once again. She fired bolt after bolt of black and red flame, but Slade was still dextrous despite his pain. He dodged and dived, weaving through the fire, until he finally managed to make contact with his opponent. He drove his staff into her chest and pushed his weight against the weapon, forcing her backwards. She rose into the air, a black mist pouring from her arms and over her face, a large ghostly corvid taking her place. He felt the deathly cold shadow of the bird’s wing fall over him, his feet leaving the ground as she scooped him into the air.
He looked down at the ground far beneath him. A fall from this height would kill anyone, he thought, let alone someone beaten half to death.
Then, as a verdant bolt of energy struck it in the side, Raven’s Soul Self shrieked and the shadows retreated inwards. Slade felt himself falling through the air for a second, then two, before he felt his back collide with something soft and cushioned. As he looked up, he met the gaze of Conner, who soared to the ground in an instant, placing the snow-haired man on the ground and giving a swift nod.
Raven let out a pained, frustrated yell as she returned to the ground, aided by a grappling line expertly positioned by Tim, and in response, Conner jetted off towards the sound of her cries. Slade’s feet faltered beneath him, and he stumbled to keep his balance. His breathing was laboured and his vision was becoming fuzzy. It felt as though, he realised, all the blood loss and violence he had suffered over the past few hours were finally catching up to him. Was this what dying felt like?
“Slade!” shouted a voice, followed by the dulled drumming of hurried footsteps. Slade pulled his hand across his face to wipe away the mental haze and drops of blood. It was Don, sprinting towards him. When Slade felt Don clasp him by shoulders, he realized just how slowed he was by his injuries. “Plan?,” Slade coughed out.
“You’ve seen what she can do. I only see one way out of these without one of the kids getting hurt. I’d do it myself, but I’m out of practice and this is too important to leave to chance.” Don looked around anxiously, his face betraying that he had a lot on his mind. “I’m giving you the powers of a god.” Slade opened his mouth to ask a question, a million came to mind. He glanced across the battlefield. Through a blurry film, he saw Raven’s Soul Self bat Conner away with its wing. He careened into the trunk of a thick tree, uprooting it with a deep crunch. “Are you sure?,” Slade asked, breathless.
“I’m not losing another Titan.” Don squeezed his eyes shut. His grip on Slade tightened as pale, almost blinding light enveloped them. It felt warm. No, better than that: it felt peaceful. With his enhanced senses, Slade could hear his erratic heartbeat slow. Fleeting visions bubbled up in his mind, opening up his awareness beyond the wildest dreams of Project Veritas. He felt rivers of magical energy flowing through the air and earth. Each of them spiralled towards a depression. Towards Raven, he knew instinctively. Iridescent blue light spread outward from his shoulders. It washed over his body armor, bleaching the jet black panels until his entire body shone with radiance. The pain from wounds old and new faded, replaced by serenity - and power. Don opened his eyes again and sighed gently; a concoction and joy, relief, and quiet mourning.
“There,” Don remarked. Slade felt lighter, less angry, less burdened. He looked down at the iridescent light enveloping his body. Magical energy buzzed against the surface of his skin. “The powers of the Dove - officially yours.”
Slade sucked in a nervous breath. “Don…” Even rejuvenated, he was still lost for words.
“They’re yours now,” Don smiled weakly. “Now go earn them. There’s a Titan in dire need of our help.”
Conner floated out of the dense jungle, rubbing his forehead. “Is Slade glowing or do I have a concussion?”
Slade looked over at Raven. She seemed less erratic, her movements driven by her brain rather than her gut. Tim’s staff batted fiercely against her, each strike buffeting her back more and more, but it was clear to Slade that Raven was not any weaker physically - her mind, however, was another story.
Slade began marching towards her, the ache in his side dulled. “Raven. You’re strong. Fight this rage inside of you.” Raven glared at him, a spark of something in her eyes, as she swooped in towards him at top speed. As she neared him, however, Slade readied his staff, stretching it out in front of him. As the tip of the weapon struck Raven, a beam of white energy coursed through her, as if she had been struck by lightning, and her body was flung backwards across the dirt.
Slade danced a hand over his rifle, but something felt different. He pulled it into his hands and inspected it swiftly; nothing seemed out of order. Raven rose slowly from her supine position, snarling softly to herself. Her movements had slowed, the expression on her face becoming closer to horror than rage. She was doing it.
“You’re nearly there, kid,” Slade soothed, his words suddenly like butter. He watched Raven’s shoulders start to relax. “That’s it. Just fight this, Raven. You’re almost there.”
Despite her tremendous progress, Raven’s blistering fury won out once more, and she charged a large bolt of hellfire in her hands. Slade fiddled with his rifle and crossed his fingers. There was a standstill between the two. Slade analysed his rifle again; there was something different about the barrel, as if it had been swapped out for another similar model. The stock felt lighter, too, as if the weight had been–
Raven roared at him, swiping wildly with glowing fists, and in an instant Slade instinctively pulled the trigger.
What fired from the gun was not a silvery bullet, but a familiar glowing bolt of white light, cloud-like in appearance. As it struck Raven, she sucked in a deep breath, the energy engulfing her. Her face softened and her posture relaxed. Then she swung out for the man’s weakened side, his bandages poking through the aura of light. And yet, as he stayed steadfast, not even attempting to dodge the attack. Sparks flew from the point of contact. Slade just readied another shot and fired.
Her body swayed with the blow. Slade closed the gap between them and focused on the new warmth he felt, concentrating it into his staff as best he could. Then, as he held it out in front of him at arm’s length, he swiped at Raven and struck her in the side of the shoulder. Each blow seemed to be more effective than the last, but as Raven’s movements continued to slow, Slade held fire.
“You’re doing it, Raven,” Slade encouraged. He watched as the other Titans surrounded Raven, each of them ready for any further attacks. Everyone watched with bated breath as their teammate and friend thrashed and recoiled from the hit. Her breathing was rapid, although it felt closer to panic than unabashed fury. She clasped her hands over her head, groaning. Then, suddenly, she stopped.
Her face had softened completely, her jaw slack, and tears filled her vision. She looked up at Slade with a comfort in her eyes. The aura emanating from him was pervasive and contagious, and although she had felt lost in a sea of impossibly vast emotions, its warmth and comfort cut through. The anger was still there somewhat, the last remaining dregs still working its way out of her system, but the comfort, the peace that Slade was providing was the anchor for her to stabilise herself. She had only ever seen this kind of power when Don…
Raven’s eyes widened as she realised what that meant. She collapsed to her knees, suddenly feeling the bone-deep fatigue her rage had suppressed. Her teammates rushed in around her. Mar’i dropped to a knee by her side and put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s OK. You’re safe. Everyone’s OK.”
“Don I’m—” She wiped away a stream of tears, stumbling her way out of the emotional vortex she’d been sucked into. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. I’ve lost control before, but never like this.”
Don looked older. Creases ran across his forehead and around his eyes. His smile hadn’t changed. “Raven, my brother and I got those powers when I was a kid. We didn’t ask for them. We weren’t ready for them. We didn’t know how to use them, let alone control them.” He laughed dryly, recalling Hank. “I don’t regret anything. Giving my powers to Slade is the best thing I’ve done with them in years. I know Hank would feel the same way.”
In the moment of silence that followed, Raven rose to her feet and pulled her cloak tightly around herself. She was still shaking. Tim’s eyes drifted from her to Slade. “Something’s gnawing at me. Kestrel’s powers are weakened in Skartaris. Don’s…” He coughed, “Slade’s powers are amplified. If this place is what affected you—”
Mar’i’s face flashed with recognition, “—your powers must be tied to the Lords of Order and Chaos!”
Tim furrowed his brow. “Maybe.” He hardly had time to consider further when a thundering crack tore open the sky. Two bolts of swirling energy - one red and one blue - met above them, forming a swirling portal at their vertex. The Titans readied their weapons, expecting the worst.
“It’s them.” Slade murmured, still put off by his uncanny awareness. Terataya and T’Charr descended from the sky, one wreathed in mist, the other, magma. The two elementals stopped a few feet above the ground, hovering.
Terataya was the first to speak. Even at a whisper, her voice reverberated through the air. “I don’t usually care for surprises, Don, but this was a pleasant one.” A thin smile appeared on her face.
“Slade Wilson.” Terataya’s neck turned at an unnatural angle to face him. “You wield the powers of Order with great skill. Who understands the dangers of unchecked War better than a soldier. Become my champion. Protect the balance.”
Slade took a step back, then glanced at Don.
“She’s right.” Don said, with only a hint of hesitation. “It took me years to use the powers like you used them today. You’re a natural.”
Slade looked at his hands, still gently pulsing with pale blue light. “Thanks.” He allowed himself a weak smile. “But no thanks.”
“What.” T’Charr’s voice boomed.
“It doesn’t take Zatanna to realize an old soldier like me makes a piss-poor Avatar of Peace. I fight for a living, and I’m not deluded enough to think that makes me good at anything but fighting. If you want someone who understands the need for balance, Don just sacrificed everything special about him for it.”
Don raised an eyebrow. “None taken.”
“His actions today were noble, but they do not make up for years spent squandering the gift.”
“Squandering? The Titans wouldn’t exist today if he hadn’t pulled them together. Everything they’ve done. Everything they’ve achieved for your balance wouldn’t have happened without him, including stopping that monster you made.”
“Watch your tone, mortal.” T’Charr threatened.
“There may be a vein of truth to his words, lover.” Terataya said. “But *if we were to restore Don Hall’s power, we would need assurances. His indecision led down this path.”*
Rocks ground against each other as T’Charr landed beside Don. “You would have weeks, not years, to select a counterpart and return to your duties.”
Don’s response was instantaneous. “I’ve made a decision.”
“You’ve decided if you’ll take up the mantle of Dove again?”
Don nodded. “And who should be the new Hawk.”
Terataya giggled. “Full of surprises today. T’Charr?”
“We should discuss this.” He said. “In private.”
The three of them vanished, leaving the Titans and Slade alone on a battlefield riddled with bits of dino meat and ape fur.
 
○○ Ⓣ ○○
 
“You don’t think they’re gonna come back in like, 200 years, right?” Conner asked. He sat beside the depowered Slade Wilson, who was downing aspirin to make up for the sudden deficit in peace energy.
“I don’t know.” Tim said. “But we should give them more than fifteen minutes.”
As if on cue, the skies opened again. Again, the chromatic energy lit the sky and again a portal opened its swirling maw. This time, however, it wasn’t two elemental Lords to descend. Raven squinted to make the figures out.
“Oh my god.” Conner said, having a far easier time with his super-vision.
“What? Who is it?” Tim asked.
“Donna!” Mar’i shouted. She shot off the ground towards her. Her black combat armor was replaced with a crimson and white bodysuit studded with stars that seemed to twinkle as the light shifted around her. The sword at her side was gone too, replaced with a coiled loop of rope suffused with the same brilliant energy. The two collided into an embrace, spinning through the air as they held each other tightly.
Don was the first to land, restored with the powers of Dove. He looked stronger than ever, and maybe more importantly, happier. Even Tim’s typical thoughtful brooding has been pierced by an unimpeachable joy.
“I don’t understand,.” Raven said. “S-She’s alive. How is this possible?”
“I knew there was only one person who could be trusted with the powers of War, with Hank’s abilities.” He scratched the back of his neck, a bit guilty. “And she’d been staring me in the face for years. It took some doing, but eventually T’Charr and Terataya saw that too.”
Donna landed beside him, Mar’i only a step behind. By now Conner had stepped forward. He tried not to choke over his words. “I’m sorry. If I’d—”
Donna didn’t let him get the words out before pulling him into a grapple-turned-hug that quickly grew as the rest of the team piled in. Slade flicked another aspirin into his mouth.
“Danyah!” A voice called out from over the ridge. It was Travis, mounted atop a fanged reptilian creature in the vague shape of a horse and flanked on either side by his gold-armored honor guard. He broke into a gallop, stopping just short of the Titans. “When I saw the skies, I feared the worst. Is it really you? Has sorcery brought you back to us?”
“It’s me, Travis. A Lord of Chaos brought me back.”
“Not to interrupt,.” Slade said, still nursing his wounds. “But did either of you ask them to bring us back to Chicago?”
“I…” Don grimaced. “Donna, how do we get home?”
“How did you get here? Surely you could return the way you came.” Travis said.
“No, we can’t.” Tim said, pressing a few buttons on his wrist’s holographic display. “Whatever magic pervades Skartaris is also causing some extreme time dilation. I can’t guarantee we’d return to the 21st century, or even to Earth.”
“I spent a decade in Skartaris and returned to Earth nearly two centuries later. It’s the influence of Chaos. We’d need a Skartaran mage of overwhelming power to stabilize our return.” She spat the word mage with disgust. Travis’s expression seemed to confirm the reputation of Skartaran spellcasters.
Before their anxiety could spiral, the sky above began to churn. Moments later, the ground shook as a violent bolt of lightning cleaved the air, striking with such ferocity that all but Conner and Donna were flung backward. Mar'i skidded across the damp undergrowth, her senses overwhelmed by the acrid scent of ozone. Her mind was racing; their victory was hard fought, and she doubted they had much left in the tank for another confrontation. She dug her hands into the ground and pushed herself up as she choked from the smell. The Warlord Morgan and his military guards snapped to attention, forming a protective ring around the crater that now marred the earth.
From the smoking pit, a figure rose, unfolding from a crouch like something out of Terminator. Adorned in a red and white jumpsuit that accentuated his lithe build, the young man's appearance was marked by a red cowl and goggles, with sandy brown hair rebelliously spilling out.
Conner squinted through the dissipating smoke, murmuring under his breath, “A speedster?” The Flashes had had a variety of different sidekicks and other allies over the years, but none of them recognised this one
With a nonchalant flair that seemed at odds with the charged atmosphere, the newcomer greeted them. “Hey, everyone chillax. I'm here to get you guys back home.”
Donna, ever the leader, stepped forward and spoke with a commanding curiosity, now emboldened with the war aura of Hawk. “And who are you exactly? Why should we trust you with such a claim?”
Flashing a cheeky grin, he tilted his head and responded, “Well, I’m a speedster for one. Name’s Impulse. If I run fast enough, then I can… well, I guess bend time.”
Behind Donna, the group exchanged sceptical glances. Raven's face remained shadowed by recovery, Mar'i and Conner braced for action, and Tim discretely checked his gadgets, no doubt for something that he could use on a speedster should the need arise.
“Yeah, we figured that much,” Don cut through the tension, his voice calm yet insistent. “Who sent you?”
Impulse chuckled, his demeanour remaining unfazed by their scrutiny. “Look, the details aren't the fun part. Trust me, I can get us back.”
As a silence thick with doubt and scepticism settled over the group, Impulse seemed to realise his casual assurances weren't sufficient. With a theatrical sigh, he reached up and removed his mask, revealing a face familiar to both Mar'i and Raven.
“Brody!?” Mar'i exclaimed, her surprise echoing through the clearing as she stared at the boy who had once hobbled through their college classes with his leg in a cast.
The young man’s grin widened, his eyes sparkling with mischief and a hint of pride. “Actually, it’s Bart.”
 
○○ Ⓣ ○○
 
When Slade emerged from the shower, his skin was glistening with moisture, the water tracing the contours of his scars. He wrapped a stark white towel around his waist, and crossed the plush carpet to sit on the edge of the hotel room bed. He released a slow, deep breath; it was a good job the speedster kid arrived when he did. The notion of being stranded in an alien land or, worse, a different time had gnawed at him with a ferocity that was hard to admit. Without Bart’s intervention, every one of Slade’s meticulously crafted plans would have been utterly dashed.
Facing him, a wall-mounted mirror caught his rugged reflection. Drawn to his own image, Slade studied the scars that mapped his trials, the slick white hair that crowned his head, and the deep lines etched into his face. A familiar discomfort nagged at him, focusing his attention on his right eye. Unable to alleviate the irritation through the skin, Slade exhaled heavily and carefully removed the eye altogether. The movement, fluid and practised, spoke of years of adaptation.
He placed the prosthetic gently on the bed beside him and as he massaged the socket, a decades-old habit, his mind wandered. He wasn't accustomed to keeping the prosthetic in for extended periods. Showering with it had been an uncomfortable experiment in necessity - he didn't like it, but understood the importance of maintaining the facade. The Slade he would have people believe he was would have never lost an eye, because that Slade had led a life far from by the darker paths Slade had truthfully trodden.
His thoughts wandered to his brief time wielding the potent powers of Dove, and Slade felt a twinge of regret at their loss. The clarity and strength those powers had provided were intoxicating, yet he recognised that he had a more important goal, one he couldn’t compromise. His current role demanded not the accumulation of power but the perfection of his deceit, ensuring that all believed he was not the Slade Wilson they knew, but a Reawakened, more innocent doppelganger.
Now, with the glass eye resting beside him, Slade stared at his unmasked visage. Maintaining the myth of the noble Slade was critical. The ruthless mercenary, the World’s Deadliest Killer - those identities had to remain buried. The Titans had believed him enough to entrust him with divine powers, their faith a testament to his performance, but the game was far from over; in fact, it was entering its most critical phase.
 
 
Next: Return to normality in The New Titans #10
 

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Hi everyone!
It’s finally here! I was waiting for this for such a long time. Ever since the likes of Demi Rawling, Sharida M, Josephine from Jus the Rose and many other fragrance YouTubers raved about this perfume being a dupe to the oh-so popular gourmand legend - Bianco Latte from Giardini Di Toscana, I was invested!
It’s available on Paris Corner India’s website for 1699/- and you could get discounts as well at checkout if you have a code. I am excited to give this one some time today and test it out.
For a mini review, I can say that it’s creamy, caramelly, vanilla with a dash of milky note on my skin. I’m surely letting this one macerate after today as it’s a new batch, manufactured in.
I don’t have a sample of Bianco Latte to compare this with, but I already know I am going to like this one a LOT. I’ll update my full experience in the evening.
Till then, all I can say is for a fragrance at this price point, it’s 100% worth it.
See you in the evening or night for a deeper look at this beauty ☕️🍫
Smell good. Feel good.

Throughout the years he has lost basically all his food allergies, but he is still allergic to dozens of environmental allergies.
The highlight of my day was my son (9 yo) getting to hold a kitten for the first time in his life. He is deathly allergic to all animals with fur so much so that he requires an epi-pen, and he started allergy shots only a year ago. He is still very allergic, but the allergist encouraged me to give him antihistamines and then let him pet a cat to test what his reaction would be. He got a little itchy, but was overall fine. This is pretty incredible! In the past his eyes would completely swell shut, be leaking, and he would be snotting. He would break out in a severe rash all over his body and would start puking and have to go to the emergency room.
We will do 3 more tests before I will feel comfortable enough to start taking him to stores again (because everyone brings their pets into stores, not just service animals, but everyone). Next test will be a full grown cat that has never been around dogs. The third test will be a puppy or dog that has never been around cats. Last test will be both at the same time. If he doesn't have serious reactions to any of these tests it means we can change the way we live. We can go to parks again, and he can go trick or treating for the first time. We will be able to ride on airplanes again, and go on hikes in the woods.
The allergist informed me that he would add even more cat and dog allergen into the shots this year so hopefully we could speed up the process. My son has been carrying around a little stuffed dog he named Oreo for the last 2 years in anticipation of the day he can have his own pet. He takes such good care of it. When it's cold outside, he even puts it under his coat to keep it warm.

Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

[Rant]
So I had applied for the role of a frontend dev at a top banking company (has the word Morgan in it).
I gave the Round1 - it was a hackerrank test, it wasn’t easy but wasn’t too hard either, they asked a few trick JS questions and asked me two frontend coding questions (one was about completing a half implemented throttle question, the second one was implementing some logic in a banking system. I scored well in it (not sure on what basis they scored it, but I passed all the hidden test cases)
Had a technical interview for round two. It lasted almost 1.5 hours, where we discussed a few of my projects in depth, I was asked to code two problems by sharing my screen (one was to implement a JS array function from scratch. The other was to create a small game). The interviewer was quite happy, and honestly the interview couldn’t have gone well. He said he was really impressed with my work, projects and that he had a really positive interview experience.
The HR called me to schedule the R3 interview, this time with a VP. But two days before the interview, she is now calling me to say that she is cancelling it because they are having some sort of restructuring and they are not sure right now if this role will still be available. Man, I am so pissed right now.
I am from a shitty tier 3 college and joined a MNC. This was my chance to finally work at a dream company - even it if meant moving away from family and putting in a lot of hard work. I have about two years of full time experience, along with a year of internships and 3 freelance gigs so far , so to get an opportunity like this after just 2 years was really important for me.

On New Years Day, 2024, after the balloon drop in a nightclub, I saw a hot girl with her hot friends dancing and grinding on men and each other. The girls shared kisses with each other, too. I wanted one of Jane’s (fake name for privacy) hot friends, but after dancing with her for a minute, I pivoted to Jane. She was giving me bedroom eyes and after we danced for a minute, she gave me a giddy smirk, closed her eyes, grabbed me and made out with me. Her lips tasted like alcohol, literally. I was in shock she was kissing me and I eventually kissed back. After a couple hot seconds, Jane pulled back and said I was hot. I am nervous as this was my first kiss since like middle school (I know, I know). We dance and kiss more. All of a sudden I felt panic because again, I tasted alcohol on her lips. “Is she drunk?” - I thought to myself. She was talking pretty normally with ditzy flourishes here and there. She wasn’t stumbling or anything (I actually saw her friends and her enter and leave the vicinity so many times before I pursued her friend. They were very lively and entered dancing every time).
Anyways...after Jane and I tongue kissed on the dance floor while embracing, I pulled back and asked Jane how many fingers I was holding. I remember out of like 4 or 5 times I did the finger test consecutively in that moment, she got 1 wrong. I corrected her. I told her I didn’t want to take advantage of her and she told me that she wasn’t drunk, just “lit”. Jane then put her hand on my shoulder and thanked me for keeping her safe. I then told her that I wanted to make sure she was in control and she was safe (earlier that night, I helped a clearly drunk girl who fell into me find her friend (I did the fingers test on her and she did NOT respond, just glassy eyed, drunk stare and stoically shitfaced) so I already had safety at the forefront of the mind even more from that point). Jane’s response was that she was in control.
We then went to the patio and sat down. She then called me cute in a ditzy way with her giddy smile. We introduced ourselves and actually had a nice conversation. She then proceeded to say she wanted to have sex with me and if I was top or bottom. I told her that I wasn’t interested in sex with her (I was paranoid about STD’s since a relative of mine is a doctor, so I told her that if we were to do it in the future (not that night or the day after due to just being there for vibes, settling into the new year right, New Year’s Day streets were gonna be chaotic with drunk drivers and wild attitudes, I also didn’t bring protection), then I needed paperwork of when she last got tested after sex.
We got each other’s IG’s and planned Tuesday for us to hang out and have sex. Obviously it didn’t work out because my scaredy cat self didn’t create enough comfort and connection compared to attraction in the club. So she saw me as another cute guy who she made out with to 000’s crunk. Jane told her hot friends that I was a good guy and that I was looking out for them.
After we grinded with her friend, Jane and I shared more make out sessions (after she said I was hot and that she loved me) She then told me to tie her up and do naughty things to her. I just laughed and we danced and kissed the night away. The day after, her texts were very favorable and full of encouragement and positivity (we were talking about self improvement). We still follow each other on IG but ceased contact for now. Guess the emotions wore off. It’s all good.
I couldn’t help but make this post because I have generalized anxiety, sensory integration disorder, and non verbal learning disorder. I’m currently getting screened for autism at my regional center. Am I overthinking this whole event and thinking that I coerced her into kissing and shit (when she couldn’t get one of the finger holding rounds right)? I had a serious nervous breakdown over it in March. I deal with a lot of toxic shame and guilt but I don’t know what’s real and what’s not when it comes to truth or narratives that I create for myself. Whether they are healthy or not, am I ducking my ego? I don’t know please help!

I wrote about how my LO came back into my life after being stuck with her in my mind for 10 years and worried about sabotaging my 7 year relationship over it: Topic is here
Anyway I just need to write it out today because I feel like I am losing my mind as so much happened in the span of a short time.
I finally spoke to my Therapist about it yesterday, My therapist didn't know what Limerence was which surprised me. She's been doing this now for many years and very qualified, after explaining to her what I felt she likened it to infatuation, but after explaining in detail everything I felt, the obsession, the drive, the feelings etc. I am unsure if my therapist understands the situation fully.
My therapist was asking me questions such as "How would you feel if you bumped into LO in this place?" and my answer was always the same "I would be happy". It feels like my therapist believes I am unhappy with my SO which to be fair there was a big question over if my needs were being met by my girlfriend anyway. So I get the impression my Therapist thinks I am in love with my LO (which I probably am) and it's a reason why I am unhappy in my current relationship.
My Therapist is under the impression I am testing the waters and infatuated because my needs aren't being met by my SO. Which could be true as I do struggle at times with my SO and don't feel a magical connection a lot of the time.
Next session we're going to work on my self esteem as my Therapist did say during the explanation I expressed a lot of self blame and guilt for my feelings. She's under the impression if we can root out this self blame, build self esteem and take away my fear of making difficult decisions then things will fall into place over time. I don't know how I feel about this but I do need to work on this regardless.
Now moving onto my LO, She's stopped talking to me. She's reconnected with someone who I know she calls the one who got away. I tried to hold it together because the pain was unbearable in my stomach like an intense jealously which is obviously inappropriate as I am in a relationship. I shouldn't care, my rational brain knows this.
A few days after she got back in contact with this person, she stopped talking to me abruptly. I am heart broken in a sense but also relieved? I am trying to see it as at the end of the day if she doesn't want contact with me that's fine and I do need to heal from this connection anyway, the pain is quite something. I have considered reaching out to my Dr to ask for some antidepressants but question if this is the right choice and I just need to ride out these horrible feelings.
I get quite sad thinking about her and this other person getting together and I wish it was me who she was with. Again, inappropriate I know.
I think most of the problem also boils down to not only am I losing my LO but also a very good friend. If you take out the limerence, me and my LO actually get on very well, we can talk for hours in each others company without a problem. We're on the same wave length in things and yeah we have always got on very very well, that's not even the limerence talking.
I decided it's time for me to move out the way if she doesn't want to talk to me, it's for the best regardless of the pain and I don't want to be selfish as I am tired of hurting people.
Writing this all out is quite therapeutic, I really hope I can break this spell. Sometimes I do wonder if it's an element of genuine love I feel for this person, I can objectively see her for who she is (flaws and all) but I can rationalize that we wouldn't work together... but who knows. Life is complicated like that.