Buy here pay here car lots in south bend indiana

I'm a master's student graduating in December, and I need a car to work an internship over the summer. I'll have around $4 grand that I'm willing to spend in the week leading up to the date mentioned in the title. However, I will be making $30 an hour over the summer in addition to one last $2000 installment which I will receive from the teaching assistant role in which I currently work. I will be living with my parents during that time, so will only have to spend the $600 a month plus utilities on the apartment in which I currently live. I have to pay ~$6,000 for my last semester in the fall. I have ~30,000 in student loan debt which I will have to begin paying during the summer of 2025, as well as a probable increase in rent considering I plan to move to a bigger city upon graduation. Here are the options I am considering:
- Use the full amount (or ideally less) to buy a car that will hopefully last until I can afford an upgrade
- Finance a car in the $9,000 - $12,000 range to mitigate the likelihood of the car dying on me before I am prepared for it to do so
I should note that I will have no emergency savings should I spend the full 4,000 on the car.
​
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
​

As of now I am f24 and H is M32. SOrry for such a long post but i think its important for context.
Marriage on June 10, 2022
Þ 5-6 days later, they gave me the laptop and told me to fill in the PR application.

Þ They were adamant on filling the application and would decline dinner parties so time would not be wasted.

Þ June 26, 2022, we went to Australia. I had a visitor visa for 3months, and H was on a student visa.
o H was doing uber for a living while doing school which was online
o We both stayed with my sister and her husband in Australia

Þ During this time, H asked me for money as a loan to help with his expenses.

o He didn’t pay any rent as we were staying with my sister. He never spent a single penny on anything. I never asked for any money from him.

o I had no money to give as I was a student back Canada and refused to give money. He verbally abused me to a point where I called his parents. I told them I am coming back to Canada and H is asking me for money. They defended him by saying he handled all the expenses of the wedding and it’s okay if you give money.

o I gave $500 from my haq mehar I got during the Nikkah just so we can get past this issue.

Þ I ended up staying in Australia for another 3months because my sister was having baby and I wanted to spend time with H.

Þ End August – Beginning of September we submitted the PR Application

Þ We planned for a trip to bali as a short honeymoon. He would make all the plans, find places to visit in Bali. But the next day, the situation is changed and he would say I have no money.

Þ After several back and forth, my brother in law booked my ticket to New Zealand just so I can leave the country and come back as the Visa was valid for 1 year and I could make several entries in that year.

Þ H at first was happy about the fact that we would get to spend another 3 months together. But exactly within 24 hours, he would say the opposite such as financial burden on me and with me staying in Australia would cause more debt on him. And that he spent so much money on the wedding.

Þ H paid the loan of the ticket to my brother in law after some time

Þ In these 6 months, there were a lot of arguments and so much verbal abuse where he would say something different every time we spoke on the issue. I was so stressed to the point where I had such high blood pressure.

Þ I went back to Canada on Dec 2, 2022, on a ticket my mom paid for because he claimed to have to no money. He was making close to 5k every month on Uber and was also not paying anything to sister for staying at her house. And I never asked for any money.

Þ He has not returned the money for the ticket.

Þ After my return to Canada, I stayed with my parents. My in laws were staying with their daughter in the basement.

Þ We met on events and occasions and I could feel the resentment from them. Their behaviour was always cold for example, they would never introduce me to people.

Þ H and I used to talk on the phone almost everyday. Most days were good most days were spent on why there is no decision made on the PR application.

o As I finished school in April of 2023, I asked him if I could move back to Australia with him so we could be together and wait for the PR application decision.

o At first, he was excited and would send me rental apartments and would tell me to find some as well. I got really excited about this and had already made up my mind to come to Australia.

o But then there was change in his behaviour. He refused by verbally assaulting and demeaning my character. He said that I should be grateful that his family never asked for dowry (common in Pakistani culture). And that my parents were just trying to get rid of their daughter so they married him off to the first guy they found.

o He would joke if I am really a citizen of Canada. He said that I should show him my passport again so he verify that its valid.

Þ I always compromised and just listened to him yell at me on the phone.

Þ He used to deposit money every now and then to the Melb joint bank account, but I never took any money out of it, only on occasions when the money was being spent on his family.

Þ He would also take the money out as well for his own expenses. He would say I added this money so I can also take it out, it’s my hard earned money.

Þ We spent 13 months away from each other.

Þ He got his Canadian PR in July 2023. He didn’t want to come right away as he wanted to stay in Australia and earn some money for savings.

Þ He landed in Canada on Dec 25, 2023, and with no savings. We moved to my in laws apartment 2 bed and 2 bath.

o He paid no rent money to his parents. Even on the first on every month, they (in-laws) would be talking about expenses and how the bills have increased so much since we (H and I) have come.

o Grocery items were often counted to see how much everyone was eating.

o I got a full time in October 2023 and have been working 9-5. A lot of pressure was on my by everyone in his family to find a job.

o H would verbally threaten me every other day to help his mother with household chores or else he would complain to my parents. I worked until 5pm and they expected me to leave work and make them food.

o I had to leave a few work calls just so I can go do house chores because I wanted to avoid arguments with H.

o During my lunch break, when I should be eating, I cleaned the washroom, which was used by me, H and his father. I had gotten comments from the mother in law that I am dirty person and washroom is always dirty. I cleaned the washroom and my bedroom every other day.

Þ H wanted to start uber here as well until he could find a job in his field, I applied for every single job for him, which was an expectation set by every single person in his family. They would send me job postings to apply for him.

o To get uber, he needed to pass class 4 exam which was 20$. So, in the meantime, he did ubereats, which required no exam.

o He would leave the house early morning with his mother and go for uber eats for almost all day. They expected me to cook food by 11am and feed the father in law lunch. And clean the apartment because the mother was very particular about cleanliness.

o So almost every day, there was only me and the father in the apartment.

o He asked me for money and threatened not to tell anyone. I had given him about $700 during our 2.5 months.

Þ The only time we really got to spend together was during the night. I went to bed at 9pm and he would be watching a tv with his mother almost every night and would come to bed late.

Þ Even when I would be sleeping, and he would shake me awake and verbally abuse me for not making the food properly or I didn’t clean the living room today.

Þ Ramazan started on Sunday March 10. I cooked all the sehri for everyone and washed the dishes. I changed my work hours to 8-4 so I could help the mother in law with iftar.

Þ The first 2 days went well. On the third day, I made all the sehri (morning meal) and washed dishes but I wasn’t feeling well and would throw up.

Þ I asked H if I could sleep after work for an hour and I would wake up at 5pm and help with iftar(sunset meal) He said okay. I slept through my alarm and woke up at 6. I immediately went out but the iftar was ready but I could see the anger on the mothers face.

Þ It was iftari time and I could barely eat anything. I ate one samosa and threw that all up. I was just handed cleaning supplies and was told to clean.

Þ There was a huge confrontation between the mother, h and brother in regards to me sleeping and not helping the MIL cook.

Þ The brothers were arguing and I was so annoyed that they were talking about me like that so I questions hassan by saying this is where you wanted to live. Then the MIL yes he will stay here this is his house all angerly. She said some pretty nasty thing about me and us.

Þ I went to my room and stayed there until Hassan came and said that I should go out and say sorry. I said sorry in hopes that we would move past this issue. I had learnt my lesson.

Þ The next day, my mom calls me and says that MIL called her and complained about me that I don’t cook, clean or help around house and that I am always annoyed. My parents then decided to come visit and see what the issue is.

Þ The same afternoon, I could hear the MIL and FIL talking about how ever since I have come there is no peace in the house and that this car( analogy that our relationship wont last) won’t run for long. We should all move back to Pakistan take H with us. We need to make a decision about this.

Þ After hearing all this, I asked my parents to take me away from here bc this is toxic behavior and I cant live like this. So my parents came and there was a huge confrontation. I went home with my parents and haven’t gone back since.



We met on 3 different occasions.
· 1^st meeting: I went with a clear head and wanted to see where his was at. All he did was tell me how I disrespected his parents especially the mother and I shouldn’t have threathen them with police and PR cancellation (which by the way I said with a lot of anger during the confrontation with our parents)
o He said we can move out do 50-50 but he will do walmart job from 6-2 and 2-9 would be uber and he will go have dinner with his parents at their place and will only come to the separate apartment with me to sleep
o He left me crying at Tims bc he had to pick dad up.

· 2^nd meeting: He came with to me with 2 options : I can pay the rent of 4-5 months until he can get on his feet and start earning and after that 4-5 period he will start contributing OR I can stay at my parents house for 405 months until he can start earning. After 4-5 months of savings he said we can get a separate apartment we both do 50-50.

After these two meetings, I knew I was done. My parents were done. I went to a couple lawyers and had stated the divorce process. But then his sister reached out to me and said a lot of supporting things that made me think that I can give it a another try.

· 3^rd meeting: I again after a talk with his sister, I felt like I could try again. But he started talking about how I said this to his mom and dad. They are so stressed. He said that I should stay at parents house until September bc his family is insecure of how easily I threaten them with police.

· My parents have left it to me to decide what I want. H and his family are lairs, they deny things that were said in front of everyone, they are manipulators. But then I think what if he is different after he gets a job and stops depending on his parents. What if once we are away from parnets and have space for ourselves he could be a whole different person. A lot of things had been said by his mother and father about me but he never takes responsibility of what they said to me or my parents. Its all about My family and I for him.

Alright so for a little explanation my (18F) best friend (19 enby) has a lot of chronic pain issues. This has stopped them from having a job and since we’ve graduated high school they pretty much have just done some work for family friends to get extra cash, but are living off of what their family can provide. This is important for later. Basically when we saw that Sony was doing a celebration and re-running Spider-Man in theaters we got super excited because we both love the Andrew Garfield movies and it sounded like a cool way to hang out. I’ve been struggling as a part time worker with my hours massively cut so about 1/2 of my paycheck is going to just gas alone to get me places I need to be (I have a huge tank and gas is $5/gallon here so it costs me at least $60 to fill it all the way). We agreed we would go when the movies came out and lately they’ve been asking me about going but I’m filling with a sense of dread. Not because I don’t want to go or don’t want to take them but because I just full stop don’t have the money to afford paying for their ticket. Ticket + snacks + gas to get there adds up really quickly. I’m feeling stressed because I don’t want to disappoint them and let them down but I really can’t afford to pay for their stuff and they can’t pay for it either, so do I just tell them I can’t go? What’s the best way to approach this situation? I know the payment falls on me becausese I have a job but like I said hours are shit lately, but I have a job interview upcoming so hopefully that will get fixed, just not in time for the movies. Oh and they can’t drive either I pick them up in my car which is why gas is an added expense because they don’t give me $$$ for that either. I try to be understanding but I’m not in a much better situation.

Has anyone here tried Lucky Detroit Coffee? Lucky Detroit Coffee What did you think? It looks like they have a few locations in the area, but I am utterly confused by the links at the bottom of their website for things like "Buy Junk Car No Title" and "Handy man near me." And a lot of the text on the site sounds like it was AI-generated: "Our Hand Roasted Coffee is here to satisfy all of your wildest caffeine cravings." Is this a legit coffee roasting company/cafe? Because it looks amazing, but it also looks a bit fake. I would love to hear about any experiences!

I've done several lists involving Dhar Mann characters, like worst parents, over punished, under punished, etc. But one area that isn't talked about as much is stupid characters. These characters aren't horrible people per se, but they just had a severe lack of judgment or did something horrendously idiotic. If you were hoping for me to rant about Jay, Mikey, or their parents, sorry, they’re not on this list. While Fart Bucket could easily top this list for thinking her schemes still work, it’s frankly getting kind of old ranting about her. On with the list:

1. Nelson(Nerd Throws Party Behind Parent's Back): There are a lot of nerdy characters in Dhar Mann who are being used by a hot girl/guy and are too stupid to realize they're being used in spite of being harshly rejected at first, but this is the worst example of this in my opinion. It was beyond obvious that Shannon, the other "hot" girls, and the jocks were using him to throw a party, but because Nelson is an incel, any girl giving him attention makes him lose common sense. He for some reason let Shannon take HIS WHOLE FUCKING WALLET to buy alcohol(thankfully, his goody two shoes friend took it from her), and let her have the key to his dad's Porsche, her telling him she wouldn't drive it was enough. I know people don't always think straight when they're in love, but holy shit have some common fucking sense.
   
2. Charlie(Foster Mom Won't Let Kid See Birth Mom): Driving Will somewhere 2 hours away to see his dying birth mom was a nice gesture for sure, but.....
   YOU'RE SERIOUSLY GIVING THE ABUSIVE FOSTER MOM 20 FUCKING GRAND??!! Just call CPS on the woman and then take Will. This video could've been good, but they fucking ruined it.
   
3. Eric(Boy Rejected in Front of School): Another incel type character. Eric wants to ask his crush Victoria out on Valentine's Day, and the bully Jamie, who also has a crush on her, agrees to "help" Eric, but is really giving him awful advice. Later, Jamie ruins Eric's drawing, writes a song insulting Victoria to Eric to sing, and tells him he needs to sing it IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING SCHOOL. Eric fucking listens to Jamie and sings the song insulting her and doesn't even bother looking at Jamie's drawing before showing Victoria. He gets rejected as the title implies because in what world does insulting your crush get them to like you? She forgives him of course because this is a Dhar Mann video. I understand being a laughing stock isn't fun, but he kind of deserved it for having no fucking judgment.
   
4. Angela(Guy Uses Plus Size Girl for Cash): Hey, at least Michelle Lebo has a personality here, the only problem is her character has no common sense whatsoever. Her wannabe rockstar "boyfriend" Jack tells her band practice is members only, then two girls tell him how much fun they had at practice. So Jack tells Angela they are band members and she believes him. Not too bad so far, but Jack tells Angela there is a festival(that is also band members only) and asks Angela to pay for all four of their tickets. So your boyfriend asks you to pay for four tickets to an event he's not inviting you to. What does she do? She pays for them. Then she pays for his car and dinner that he said was on him, before FINALLY coming to her senses after seeing him flirt with a waitress.
   
5. Jackson(Kid Tries to Kill Mom for iPhone 14): If your little brother is scamming people out of thousands of dollars and pretending your mom is dead, you should probably do more than tell him "this is a bad idea". I also love how he tells Daniel "Don't do this because mom will find out" and not "Don't do this because it's very wrong and you'll go to juvie". This character is the epitome of "guilty by association".
   
6. Defense Attorney(Prosecutor Sends Innocent Black Man to Jail): This list has a lot of characters with stupid judgment, but you know what's much worse than that? Negligence. This man couldn't find anything to prove Robert was on the other side of the fucking country from where this crime happened? No cell phone tracker? No credit card statements? No bills? Nothing? Then the prosecutor's lawyer found loads of evidence with little to no effort, thank god someone in this video had some common fucking sense. That's ignoring the loads of other legal inaccuracies present in this video.
   

That's my list. What are your thoughts? This will probably be the last "top x" list I do for a while. Most of my major posts from now on will be full video reviews.

The root potentials are not differentiated. By reciting the Name, a rebirth is confirmed.
‘differentiated’ here means pick and choose. The Buddha does not pick and choose the root potential of living beings. As long as he recites Namo Amitabha Buddha, he will attain a rebirth.
第十章 不擇根機 稱名必生
「擇」是選擇、挑選。對任何根機的眾生不加選擇，只要稱念彌陀名號，必得往生。

1. The Dharma Door of Amitabha recitation pervasively gathers in the myriad potentials.

(1) The doubts of living beings
The Pure Land which we desire to be born is truly pure and adorned. How about every one of us? After we have learnt the Buddha Dharma, we contemplate ourselves especially and we know that we are the defiled man who is filthy and sinful, who is impure with greed, hatred and delusion. After further thinking, doubts arise in us: I am this defile man of impurities, with heavy karmic hindrances. Are you sure I can attain a rebirth in such a Pure World of Ultimate Bliss? Standing from the angle of a mundane, this doubt is unavoidable.
一、念佛法門廣攝萬機
（一）眾生的疑慮
我們所嚮往的淨土，是那樣清淨莊嚴，而我們每個人自身呢，特別是學佛之後反觀內省，就知道自己污穢、罪垢，貪瞋癡三毒不淨。這樣想一想，難免起疑惑心：像我這樣一個染污不淨、業障深重的眾生，果然能往生那麼清淨的極樂世界嗎？
站在凡夫這一邊，難免有這樣的疑問。
(2) ‘living beings of the ten directions’ refer to the living beings in the nine Dharma realms.
In other Dharma Doors, only the man with superior good roots and sharp wisdom are able to cultivate the path. Those who are with inferior root potential and low mentality are unable to learn the Dharma. Anyhow, some living beings will be left out. But in the Dharma Door of Amitabha recitation, it pervasively brings in living beings of the superior root nature, the mediocre and the inferior ones. None will be left out. It is the Dharma Door for all men. So, it is thus described, ‘The one Dharma which gathers in the myriad potentials.’ The six syllables Name is the one Dharma which can rescue all living beings.
‘The one dharma which gathers in the myriad potentials’ has its evidence derived from the 18th Vow when it is thus stated, ‘living beings of the ten directions.’
（二）「十方眾生」即九法界眾生
其他法門，上根利智能夠修學，下根劣智就學不來，總有眾生遺漏在外。可是念佛法門，上、中、下三根普攝，無一人不能修，無一人不當修，所以是「一法攝萬機」——以六字名號一法，救度一切眾生。
「一法攝萬機」的根本依據，就是第十八願當中的「十方眾生」。
‘living beings of the ten directions’ is an expansive scope. ‘Ten directions’ means it is not limited to our Saha world only. It is inclusive of all the empty space in the ten directions, all the living beings in all the worlds pervade the Dharma realm. ‘Living beings’: Other than the Buddha Dharma Realm, the other nine dharma realms belong to living beings. These living beings include the Bodhisattvas of the Equal Enlightenment and also those in the Avici hell. Everyone is inclusive.
「十方眾生」包括得很廣泛。「十方」，不限於我們娑婆世界，而是十方盡虛空、遍法界一切世界的眾生；「眾生」，除了佛法界，九法界都屬於眾生，上至等覺菩薩，下至阿鼻地獄眾生，通通包括在內。
In the passage on Vows, these words are stated, ‘except for those who have committed the five rebellious acts, who slander the Proper Dharma.’ It seems that the Buddha will not save those who have committed the five rebellious acts, who have slandered the Dharma. But Great Master Shandao has clarified this point based on the Contemplation Sutra, the lowest position of the inferior grade, saying that these are words of preventive measure, giving warning to the living beings so that they will not commit such severe offences. But if they have committed these offences, the Buddha will still save them.
願文裡雖然有「唯除五逆，誹謗正法」八個字，似乎五逆謗法的人不救，但善導大師已經根據《觀經》下品下生說明這是抑止意，警示眾生不要犯此重罪；如果已經犯了，還是要救。
In the Adornment Sutra, another version of the Sutra of Immeasurable Lifespan, it has clearly stated the rescue of living beings in the three evil paths:
Living beings from the realms of hell, hungry ghosts and animals are born in my Land after receiving my Dharma Transformation. They will attain Annutaraksamyaksambodhi very soon.
《無量壽經》異譯本《莊嚴經》明確說明救度三惡道眾生：
地獄、餓鬼、畜生，
皆生我剎，受我法化，
不久悉成阿耨多羅三藐三菩提。
In the ‘Great Amitabha Sutra’ it is thus stated, ‘All the man and devas, the flying insects and wiggling worms, who on hearing my Name are filled with compassion. They are excited and joyful. All of them are able to be born in my Land.
《大阿彌陀經》說：
諸天人民、
蜎飛蠕動之類，（蜎ㄩㄢ；蠕ㄖˊㄨ）
聞我名字，
莫不慈心，歡喜踴躍者，
皆令來生我國。
‘The flying insects, the wiggling worms’ refers to the worms which fly and crawl. These living beings are most stupid and deluded. Throughout hundreds of thousand Kalpas, they are unable to leave transmigration. Dharmakara Bhikshus talks about these living beings and says, ‘They will all be born in my Land.’
「蜎飛蠕動」是指飛蟲和爬蟲。像這樣的眾生，是最極愚癡的，百劫千劫無法出離。而這樣的眾生，法藏比丘說「皆令來生我國」。
2.Great Master Fa Zhao’s verses: Transforming the tiles into gold
(1) Prelude
At the causal ground, that Buddha has brought forth these magnificent vows, ‘I will surely come forth to welcome you if you have heard my Name, if you are calling my Name.’ He does not differentiate if you are poor or rich, if you are with low mentality or are very talented. He does not differentiate if you are greatly learned, that you have upheld the pure precepts. He does not differentiate if you have transgressed the precepts and are heavy in sinful roots. As long as you turn over a new leaf to recite lots of Namo Amitabha Buddha, even the broken tiles can be transformed into gold.
This is the Great Master Fa Zhao who has made use of the verses of Great Master Ci Min to explain the meaning of the 18th Vow in the Sutra of Immeasurable Lifespan.
二、法照大師「變瓦成金之偈」
（一）引文
彼佛因中立弘誓，聞名念我總迎來；
不簡貧窮將富貴，不簡下智與高才；
不簡多聞持淨戒，不簡破戒罪根深；
但使迴心多念佛，能令瓦礫變成金。
這是法照大師引用慈愍大師的偈文，解釋《無量壽經》第十八願的含義。
(2) Explanation
（二）釋義
‘At the causal ground, that Buddha has brought forth these magnificent vows’: That Buddha Amitabha Buddha was known as Dharmakara Bhikshu. He has brought forth the expansive and magnificent great Vows. Generally speaking, the magnificent vows refer to the forty-eight Vows. Here, Great Master Fa Zhao has specially pointed out the 18th Vow. ‘Magnificent’ means expansive and limitless, inclusive of all living beings. ‘On my attainment of Buddhahood, if…’ refers to the vows. ‘if they cannot attain a rebirth, I will not certify to Proper Enlightenment.’ ‘If living beings in the ten directions cannot attain a rebirth when they call my Name, I swear that I will not accomplish Buddhahood!’ This is called ‘swearing’. It is known as the ‘taking an oath, making Vows.’ It is a serious matter.
「彼佛因中立弘誓」：彼阿彌陀佛因中叫法藏比丘，建立了弘廣的大願。「弘誓」，總的來講，指四十八願；法照大師在這裡特別指第十八願。「弘」是廣大無邊，任何眾生都包含在內。第十八願：「設我得佛」就是願；「若不生者，不取正覺」——「如果十方眾生稱我名號不得往生，我誓不成佛！」這叫「誓」，合稱「誓願」，非常殷重。
‘I will surely come forth to welcome you if you have heard my Name, if you are calling my Name.’ This is a brief explanation of the 18th Vow. The merits and virtues of hearing my Name is inconceivable. Living beings who recite my Name Namo Amitabha Buddha are all welcome by him to his Western World of Ultimate Bliss. No one is left out. ‘surely’ means no one is left out.
「聞名念我總迎來」：這是簡略地解釋第十八願。聽聞我的名號功德不可思議，念我阿彌陀佛的名號的眾生，通通被迎接到西方極樂世界去，沒有一個遺漏在外。「總」是一個不漏。
Below, four verses are used to explain the ‘living beings of the ten directions’ in the 18th Vow.
‘He does not differentiate if you are poor or rich:’ ’differentiate’ means to pick and choose. ‘or’ means whether, either. Dharmakara Bhikshu has brought the vows, ‘I will surely come forth to welcome you if you have heard my Name, if you are calling my Name.’ He does not differentiate, choose or pick, saying, ‘This is a poor man. I will not save him. That is a rich man, I will save him.’ This is not the way! There is no differentiation in poverty and wealthiness.’ This is the meaning of ‘he does not differentiate if you are poor or rich’
下面用四句話解釋第十八願的「十方眾生」。
「不簡貧窮將富貴」：「簡」是挑選、揀擇，「將」是又、且。法藏比丘「聞名念我總迎來」的誓願，並不分別、挑選：「這個貧窮的，我不救；那個富貴的，我救」——不是這樣！沒有貧富的差別，這叫「不簡貧窮將富貴」。
‘If you are with low mentality or are very talented’: ‘with low mentality means a man with inferior root potential who is lacking in wisdom, who is not knowledgeable. ‘talented’ refers to a man with great wisdom, who is of superior root and sharp wisdom. According to Dharmakara Bhikshu, he has vowed that, ‘Whether you are with little wisdom or are very talented, if you have heard of my Name and are mindful of me, I will come forth to welcome every one of you.’
「不簡下智與高才」：「下智」，下等根機、智慧低劣、無智無識的人；「高才」，高等智慧、上根利智的人。法藏比丘的誓願，「不管是下智人、高才人，你聞名念我，我通通來迎」。
‘He does not differentiate if you are greatly learned, that you have upheld the pure precepts. He does not differentiate if you have transgressed the precepts and are heavy in sinful root.’：You are well-learned and you recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, I will come forth to welcome you. You have little learning but you recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, I also come forth to welcome you. You uphold the pure precepts strictly and recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, I will come forth to welcome you. If you have transgressed the precepts, that you are very sinful. But if you recite the Buddha’s Name, I will also come to welcome you. Amitabha Buddha does not choose and pick. He does not differentiate who you are as he bestows his Great Kindness equally to all. This resembles the sun which shines on the good men and it also shines on the evil men. Amitabha Buddha lights of kindness shine forth equally, taking pity on all Amitabha reciters, rescuing all Amitabha reciters. For a wealthy man whose richness is the greatest in the country, if he does not recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, he cannot attain a rebirth. For a beggar who does not have any money if he recites Namo Amitabha Buddha exclusively, he can arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss.
「不簡多聞持淨戒，不簡破戒罪根深」：你廣學多聞念佛，我來迎；少學寡聞念佛，我也來迎。你嚴持淨戒念佛，我來迎；破戒罪深念佛，我也來迎。阿彌陀佛沒有選擇，沒有分別，平等大慈。如同太陽的光明，照著善人，也照惡人。阿彌陀佛平等慈光憐憫、救度一切念佛人。富翁，富可敵國，不念佛，不能往生；乞丐，不名一文，專修念佛，能到極樂世界。
‘As long as you turn over a new leaf to recite abundant Buddha’s Name,’ ‘As long as’ seems very simple. ‘As long as you act this way’. ‘Turning over a new leaf’ are important words. It means that you have a change of mind. You have turned around from the former thoughts which rely on self-effort. Now, you only rely on Amitabha Buddha. You do not feel inferior, neither do you become arrogant. All the poor men, rich people, men with little wisdom, talented men, men with wide learnings, with little learnings, people who uphold the precepts, who have transgressed the precepts should have a change in mind. ‘To recite lots of Namo Amitabha Buddha’ means to recite exclusively, continually. They enjoy and love to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha.
「但使迴心多念佛」：「但使」，聽起來很簡單，「你只要這樣」；「迴心」這兩個字很重要，迴心轉意，迴轉原來靠自己的心，來靠阿彌陀佛，既沒有下劣想，也不起高慢想。貧窮、富貴，下智、高才，多聞、寡聞，持戒、破戒，都要迴心。「多念佛」就是專念佛，相續念佛，念佛不嫌多。
‘lots’ is a general trend of practice, without limitation. This is because the root potential of living beings is different. Some are busy while others are relaxed. If we set ten thousand as lots of recitation, some might not reach it. While others might feel too little.
「多」，是一個大致的方向，沒有限定。因為眾生根機各有不等，時間各有忙閑，如果定一萬句為多，有人達不到，還有人嫌太少。
So, here is only a general trend in practice. We have to set a demand on oneself. As it is spoken by Great Master Shandao, ‘Setting a demand on yourself to recite diligently throughout the whole life.’ This is known as ‘lots of recitation.’
所以，這裡只是一個大方向，自己要求自己。像善導大師所說的「勵心克己，畢命為期」，這叫「多念佛」。
The poor man might feel this way, ‘I do not have money to accrue merits and virtues. I am afraid I cannot attain a rebirth just by reciting the Buddha’s Name.’ Is this the right way of thinking?’ The answer is no! We must turn around and let Amitabha Buddha decide, ‘I am poor and I cannot afford to give a lot. But I recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. Amitabha Buddha will surely come to welcome me!’ It is unnecessary to spend lots of money. Amitabha recitation is a Dharma Door that a poor man can afford to practise. We do not have to spend money to buy this Name. Talking about this, if we need to buy the six syllables Name, how much money should we spend? So, it is not because of being poor or rich. The poorer the man, the more we need to rescue him, to relieve him. Dharmakara Bhikshu has thus said,
‘In the immeasurable Kalpas, if I do not become a great donor to relieve the poor pervasively, I vow not to accomplish the Equal Enlightenment.’
貧窮的人會覺得「我沒有錢作功德，像我這樣光念佛怕不能往生吧」，這個心對不對呢？這個心不對！要迴轉過來，任憑阿彌陀佛：「我雖然窮，不能大布施，但是，我念阿彌陀佛，阿彌陀佛必定接引我！」不用花錢，窮人能修得起的法門，就是念佛法門。這句名號不用花錢買。話講回來，這句六字名號，如果花錢買，花多少錢能買得來呢？所以，不在於我們是貧窮還是富貴，甚至越是貧窮的越要救濟。法藏比丘說：
我於無量劫，不為大施主，
普濟諸貧苦，誓不成等覺。
All of us are the poor men who are lacking in wealth, lacking in merits and virtues. We do not have the merits and virtues of Dharma wealth. As long as we can recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, Amitabha Buddha will rescue us to the World of Ultimate Bliss. If we have to rely on building the temples, cultivating the merits and virtues only we can arrive at the World of Ultimate Bliss, only the rich men are qualified to be born there. This is not the case.
不論在財富上，還是在功德上，我們都是窮人，沒有功德法財。只要念佛，阿彌陀佛就會救度我們到極樂世界去。如果靠建寺院、作功德才可以到極樂世界，那麼，只有富人才有資格了——不是這樣。
Even the rich men must also have a change of mind. As it is said, ‘It is not easy for the rich to practise the path.’ These words are true indeed. When a man is rich, he is high in status and he is honoured by others. It will be difficult for him to learn the Buddha Dharma. One reason is that he is very arrogant, feeling that he is higher than others, that he is very special. Another reason is it is not easy for him to encounter the genuinely Good Knowing Adviser. He might have many friends but they come not because of learning the path. They come for money. Internally, he is arrogant and externally, there is a lack in good affinities. Besides, as he is rich, happy and at ease, he will only fall into enjoyment. This is very difficult for him to cultivate the Path. The rich men feel this way, ‘I have donated lots of money. I have accrued lots of merits and virtues. So, I am qualified for a place in the World of Ultimate Bliss.’ Can this be the proper view? This is improper. He must have a change of mind, ‘Though I have cultivated lots of merits and virtues in the Buddha Door, they are the merits and virtues with leakage. They are incomparable to the merits and virtues of the six-syllables Buddha’s Name.’ So, a rich man must put down the mind to rely on his own effort. He must learn to be humble, to have a change of mind to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha sincerely.
富貴人，也要迴心。「富貴學道難」這句話確實不假。有錢，地位顯貴，難以學佛。一方面是因為他有驕慢心，覺得自己高人一等，比別人優越。另一方面不容易遇到真善知識，雖然有許多朋友，但不是為道而來，而是為錢而來。內存驕慢，外缺善緣，加上富樂自在，耽於享受，這樣學道就很困難。富貴人覺得「我布施了多少錢，作了多大的功德，所以我到極樂世界有分」，這樣的想法正確嗎？不正確。要迴心轉意：「縱然我在佛門裡作了功德，但這還是有為有漏的功德，與六字名號的功德無法相比。」所以，富貴人要把那種自我倚仗的心放下來，謙卑下來，迴心老實念佛。
A man with little wisdom is often enveloped in inferiority. He is thinking, ‘I am so stupid and deluded. I have no wisdom. How am I going to attain a rebirth?’ He must also have a change of mind. The rescue of Amitabha Buddha does not depend on how cultured you are, how many Sutras you have read, whether you are a university lecturer. These are not taking into consideration. Even though you are stupid, deluded, low and inferior, there is no difference for you to attain a rebirth in the Pure Land. People who are simple -minded, deluded, with little wisdom can believe in the Pure Land Dharma Door easily. Great Master Yin Guang has thus said, ‘Two types of people can have faith in the Pure Land Dharma Door easily. They can easily become the honest Amitabha reciters. Who are the two types of people? The first type is the wise men. The second type refers to people who are simple and a lack of wisdom. These are the two extremes: the wisest and stupidest.
下智的人往往心存卑劣：「我這樣愚癡，沒有智慧，怎麼能往生呢？」這樣的心要迴轉。阿彌陀佛的救度，不是看你有多少文化、讀了多少經典、是不是大學教授，不是看這些。雖然愚癡卑劣，往生淨土沒有差別。愚癡少智的人往往比較容易和淨土法門相應。印光大師講：淨土法門，兩種人最相應，最容易成為老實念佛人。哪兩種人呢？一種是上智的人，一種是下愚的人——最上智慧的和最下愚癡的，這兩個極端。
Only the wisest and the stupidest would practise Amitabha recitation persistently.
Once these two types of people are resolute and firm in the exclusive cultivation of Amitabha recitation. No one can change them. Why is this so? The wisest men have widely studied all the teachings and Sutras, penetrating all the Dharma Doors. They know that only the Dharma Door of Amitabha recitation is the best. So, they can be honest in their practice, reciting the Name of the Buddha, relying totally on the Original Vows of Amitabha Buddha without taking a side glance. These wisest men are such like Nagarjuna Bodhisattva, Vasubandhu Bodhisattva, Great Master Tan Luang, Great Master Dao Chuo, Great Master Shandao. Why do those who are stupidest recite Namo Amitabha Buddha honestly? They say, ‘I do not know much. I can only recite Namo Amitabha Buddha!’ Can you still remember the story I have told you previously, the story ‘Do have mercy on me, Amitabha Buddha’?
唯上智與下愚不移。
這兩種人一旦專修念佛了，他的志向堅定，不能改變。為什麼呢？上等智慧的，廣研一切經教，通達一切法門，知道唯有念佛法門最好，所以他能老老實實專念這句名號，仰仗彌陀本願，心無旁騖，像龍樹菩薩、天親菩薩、曇鸞大師、道綽大師、善導大師。下愚的人為什麼可以做老實念佛人呢？「我什麼都不會，我只有念佛！」上次講了「阿彌陀佛你可饒了我」的故事，大家還記得嗎？
There was an elderly lady who had put in lots of effort trying to attain a rebirth. She heard people saying this, ‘If you cannot recite the Sutras, you cannot attain a rebirth.’ She was illiterate. She did not want to trouble others to teach her just in case they might get irritated. So, she asked her daughter, ‘Please check the dictionary for me and tell me how to pronounce this word.’
Her daughter is not a Buddhist. She asked, ‘Mum, you are so old already. Are you taking examination in the Buddhist University?’
‘You do not understand! Just tell me how to pronounce it.’ So, she spent lots of effort learning Amitabha Sutra. Then she learnt a Mantra. It is so hard for her. Later, she had a chance to learn the Pure Land Principles as explained by Great Master Shandao, and understood that whatever kind of potential a person can be, if he recites Namo Amitabha Buddha exclusively, he will attain a rebirth. Immediately, she turned to the western direction and hit her head hard on the ground three times, ‘Oh, Amitabha Buddha, you have mercy on me! You have mercy on me!’ For the sake of attaining a rebirth, she copied the Sutra every day, memorized the Sutra, checked the dictionary. It is truly hard for her. She was so afflicted.
有位老太婆，為了往生，費了好大勁。聽說不會誦經不能往生，她又不識字，問人家又怕人家不耐煩，就問她女兒：「幫我查查字典，告訴我這個字怎麼讀。」
她女兒還沒入佛門，說：「媽，你這麼大年紀了，你還要考佛教大學啊？」
「你不懂！你告訴我怎麼念就好了。」她費了好大勁，學了《阿彌陀經》，還學了一個咒，非常辛苦。後來她聽了善導大師闡釋的淨土教理，得知任何根機專修念佛一定往生，她馬上向西方磕了三個響頭：「阿彌陀佛，你可饒了我了！你可饒了我了！」她為了求往生，每天抄啊，背啊，查字典啊，非常艱難，非常苦惱。
Then, there is another lotus friend. What does she study? She is nearly seventy and she is learning the ‘Expansive Treatise of the Sequential Bodhi Path.’ She has already no time to learn all these! What time does she have, with impermanence before her eyes, with the yellow mud nearly covering up her neck? What she should swiftly do is to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha! For the sake of doing her assignment, every night she studies the book and takes notes. The next day, she must answer questions. She said, ‘I wake up at three every morning. At night, I have to study until very late. I was so tired, sweating all over!’ All these happen just because she can read. If she cannot read, she will surely recite Namo Amitabha Buddha honestly, am I right? This happens all because she does not understand the root, the source of the Dharma Door. If she can understand, people with little wisdom can simply recite Namo Amitabha Buddha just like us, in accord with our identity. This is good enough.
還有一位蓮友，學什麼呢？快七十歲了，在學《菩提道次第廣論》。學這些，來不及了！無常就在眼前，你現在黃土都快埋到脖子了，哪來得及啊？要趕緊念佛！結果她為了交作業，每天晚上都要看書，還要做筆記，第二天要回答問題。她說：「三點鐘就要起床，晚上有時要學到半夜，累得渾身是汗，太累了！」就因為她認識幾個字，她要是不認識這幾個字，不就老實念佛了嗎？這都是不瞭解法門的根源。瞭解了，下智的人就以我們的身分老實念佛就好。
In Xuan Cheng, an old lady by the Name Yao Chun Lin attained a rebirth in the Pure Land at 84. She is an illiterate and she is very pious. As her ancestors have faith in the Buddha, she is influenced by the Buddha teaching from a very young age. But she does not understand the Buddha’s principles and she only knows how to pray with incense and bowing. During the Cultural revolution, no one is allowed to believe in the Buddha, no one can make offerings to the Buddha. So, secretly she burnt incense in the hole of the mud stove, to make offerings to Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva. As the kitchen stove belongs to the Kitchen God, she prayed to the Kitchen God and said, ‘Kitchen God Bodhisattva. I do not have a place to burn incense for Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva. Do you mind if I burn the incense at your place?’ It looks as though she is very stupid. Actually, she is very kind, abiding by her position. After the Cultural Revolution, people are free to have their own faith. At the beginning, she was quite worried, that the law of the Government prohibits her faith. So, she still conducts her prayer secretly. After some time, her daughter told her, ‘What era is it now, that you are still hiding your prayers? Now, we are free to believe in the Buddha. Mother should simply make offerings to the Buddha openly.’ Only then did she bring the Bodhisattva out to make offerings. But she still does not know the aim of learning the Buddha Dharma. She only knows she must be kind and accrue virtues, besides helping others. Later, a lotus friend told her, ‘Old lady is so sincere in your prayers. How come you do not recite Namo Amitabha Buddha?’
宣城有位老太太叫姚春林，八十四歲往生淨土。她一個大字不識，人很虔誠，因為祖上信佛，所以從小受過佛教的影響，但是不明佛理，只是燒香拜拜。「文革」時期不准信佛，不准供佛。她就在土灶的鍋洞裡偷偷地點香供觀音菩薩。因為灶上屬於灶王爺的地盤，她就跟灶王爺打招呼說：「灶王菩薩，我沒有地方給觀音菩薩燒香，就借你這個地方燒一燒，你沒有意見吧？」她這個心，好像挺愚鈍，其實很善良，很本分。「文革」之後，信仰自由了，一開始她還有點怕，還怕政策再不讓信佛，還是偷偷的。日子久了，她的女兒說：「這都什麼年代了，你還偷偷摸摸的？現在信佛自由了，你可以放心大膽供佛了。」這樣她才請菩薩來供。但是，她還是不知道學佛的目的，只知道行善積德，為人要善良。後來一位蓮友對她說：「老人家這麼虔誠！你怎麼不知道念佛啊？」
She asked, ‘What Buddha should I recite?’
‘Recite Namo Amitabha Buddha!’
‘Oh! Recite Amitabha Buddha, but I am praying to Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva.’
‘Besides making offerings to Avalokiteshvara Bodhisattva, you should recite Amitabha Buddha, to seek a rebirth in the Western World of Ultimate Bliss.’ Only then that she managed to hear about the World of Ultimate Bliss. At that time, she was already eighty-one -year- old. After another two months only then she began to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha at home, phrase after phrase. Besides, she also got herself a recital device. She still continued to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. But in her heart, there is still some doubts. A lotus friend came to tell me, ‘The elderly lady Yao is a very pious woman. But she is still very worried about her qualification to go to the World of Ultimate Bliss. Besides, she has not met with any left home people her whole life. Now, she is very ill. I think it will not take long. Can Shifu go to see her as she wishes so much to see a Shifu.’ I listened to this and felt that she was a worthy lady. I went to see her. On seeing me, she put her palms together respectfully and we started chatting.
She said, ‘I am afraid that I am not qualified. I am illiterate. I do not know any Sutras either. Do you think Amitabha Buddha want people like me?’
I told her, ‘Yes, Amitabha Buddha wants you! As long as you recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, Amitabha Buddha will take all in! He welcomes you to go as you are his precious child!’
On hearing this, she was so happy and said, ‘It is so good! It is so good! It is so good!’ She exclaimed three times. You see, this is having ripe good roots. After hearing my words, she has no doubts at all. She continues to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha whole-heartedly.
她問：「念什麼佛啊？」
「念阿彌陀佛！」
「哦！念阿彌陀佛——我供的是觀音菩薩。」
「供觀音菩薩，你也要念阿彌陀佛，要求生西方極樂世界。」她這才聽說極樂世界。這個時候，她已經八十一歲了。又過了兩個月，她才開始念南無阿彌陀佛，一句一句在家裡念，還請了念佛機。念歸念，她心裡還是有疑惑。一位蓮友就來跟我講：「這位姚老太太，人很虔誠，但是就怕自己不夠格，不能到極樂世界。另外，她一輩子沒有見過出家人，她現在病得很重，估計差不多快要走了。師父是不是去看看她，她很想見見出家人。」我一聽，感覺她很可貴，我就去了。她一看見出家人，就恭敬合掌，然後就跟我聊上了。
她說：「我怕不行啊，我一個字也不認識，什麼經都不會，像我這樣的人，阿彌陀佛要嗎？」
我說：「阿彌陀佛要啊！你只要念佛，阿彌陀佛一個不漏！非常歡迎你去，把你當寶貝！」
她一聽就高興了：「那就好！那就好！那就好！」連講三遍。你看，這就是善根成熟了，講了她就不懷疑，就專心念這句名號。
She was down with the last stage of liver cancer. Liver cancer (Hepatocellular carcinoma) is a very painful disease. But she did not have the pain. She only felt numbness in the area around the liver. When the two daughters came home, she would ask them to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. One day, the two daughters were sitting by her side. The younger daughter recited softly but the eldest daughter was silent. The old lady was not happy, asking her the reason for not reciting. The eldest daughter was shameful when her mother asked her and answered, ‘Mother, I recited in my heart.’
她是肝癌晚期——肝癌是很痛的，但是她身上一點痛苦都沒有，只是肝部有點麻木的感覺。兩個女兒一回來，她就叫她們念佛。一天，兩個女兒在旁邊，小女兒小聲念，大女兒沒張口，老太太就不高興了，問她怎麼不念佛。大女兒被媽媽這一問，不好意思了，說：「媽，我在心裡念。」
‘What do you mean you are reciting with your heart? Why can’t you open your mouth?’ She did not allow her to recite in her mind, asking her to open her mouth to recite.
Her children are mostly very filial. Once they reached home, she would say, ‘Everyone recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. Do not talk other nonsense.’ So, everyone also recited Namo Amitabha Buddha. After sometimes, she was too ill. The lotus friends went over to conduct aided recitation. At that time, the weather was especially hot, around August. The lotus friends recited six syllable words she would recite six syllable words. The lotus friends recited four syllable words she would recite four syllable words, ‘Amitabha, Amitabha… ‘When the recitation was loud, she would be loud too. Sometimes, she even sat up to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha, following our recitation. In such a situation, it looked as though she was leading the lotus friends to recite Amitabha Buddha. Though the weather was so hot, lotus friends who joined the aided recitation said instead, ‘This is the only old lady who have made us so energetic in aided recitation!’ No one was talking. Everyone recited Namo Amitabha Buddha for the whole session.
「什麼在心裡念？你為什麼不能開口啊？」她不許她在心裡念，叫她開口念。
她家裡的孩子都挺孝順的。一回到家裡，她就說：「你們都念佛，其他事不要閒扯。」大家都念佛。這樣過了一段時間，說是不行了，蓮友們去助念。那時候天氣特別熱，我記得是八月分。蓮友助念，她隨你怎麼念：你唱六個字，她也唱六個字；你念四個字，她也念四個字，「阿彌陀佛，阿彌陀佛……」；你要是念大聲，她也念大聲。有時候她還坐起來念佛，跟著我們的聲音。那種情形，簡直就是她在帶蓮友念佛。雖然天那麼熱，助念的蓮友卻說：「這樣的老太婆，我們為她助念，感到就是有勁！」大家一句閒話都沒有，一句佛號念到底。
I was getting ready to go to Nanking the next day. So, I do not have the chance to send her. On that day itself, she passed away early in the morning. Later, I went over to see her and she looked very good. She had passed away in the most supreme way, in the most adorned manner! Her hands and bones were softer than baby just as if she was boneless. Everyone went forth to shake hands with her. After the cremation, there appeared the relic, the relic flowers. After such an experience, her two daughters started to have faith in the Buddha. The whole family including the old and young members, males and females come to a few tens in number take vegetarian food for forty -nine days on her behalf. She is truly a very wonderful lady! This is a lady with low wisdom. She is illiterate but she has attained a rebirth in the Pue Land. So, we can see it does not depend on our cultural level to attain a rebirth.
我當時要準備第二天去南京，就沒有機會送她走。就是那一天，她清早往生了。後來我去看她，她的面色、氣韻非常好，走得非常殊勝，非常莊嚴！手和骨節簡直比嬰兒還柔軟，就好像沒有骨頭一樣，所有的人都跑去跟她握手。火化之後，還得到舍利子、舍利花。有了這個經歷，她的兩個女兒都開始信佛了，家裡的男女老少，大大小小一共幾十口人，都為她吃素四十九天。所以，她也是很了不起的！這就是下智的人、沒有文化的人往生淨土。可見，不是靠我們的文化程度去往生。
There is another interesting story. In Zhejiang, Cixi, there is a Upasika by the surname Yan. Her hometown is Zhejiang Yu Yao. Her neighbour at her hometown is an old lady, by the surname Chen. So, she calls her Chen Po. Chen Po is different from other people. Ever since she was young, Upasika Yan has been seeing Chen Po enjoy Amitabha recitation. She recites on her own, without any guidance. Anyway, who is going to teach her Amitabha recitation? Maybe it is passed down from her ancestors, that she knows there is the Buddha Dharma. But she does not know about the attainment of a rebirth in the World of Ultimate Bliss. She only likes to recite, ‘Amitabha, Amitabha, Amitabha…’throughout the days and nights. One day, Upasika Yan has learnt the Buddha Dharma and she thinks of the old lady in her hometown. She went home to visit her mother. Then she said to Chen Po, ‘A Po, it is good to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha! Do you know about the World of Ultimate Bliss?’
還有一個故事也很生動。在浙江慈溪，有一位姓嚴的居士，老家是浙江余姚。她老家隔壁有一位阿婆，姓陳，她就喊她「陳婆」。這位陳婆跟別人不一樣，嚴居士小的時候就看見陳婆喜歡念佛。她念佛也沒有人教，那時候誰教她念佛呢？她大概 也是祖上帶來的，知道有佛法，但是不知道往生極樂世界，就喜歡念佛，「阿彌陀佛，阿彌陀佛，阿彌陀佛……」一天到晚念。嚴居士後來學佛了，就想起老家還有這麼一位老太婆，回去探望母親的時候，她就對陳婆講：「阿婆，你念佛好啊！你知道極樂世界嗎？」
Chen Po answered, ‘I do not know.’ Upasika Yan is very expedient in her way. She knows A Po believes that a man will go to hell after his death. So, she asked, ‘Do you know after passing away, we must go to see the King Yama?’ ‘Yes, I know.’
陳婆回答：「我不知道。」
嚴居士比較善巧，她知道阿婆相信人死後有下地獄這回事，就問：「你知道人死了要去閻羅王那裡嗎？」
「那我知道。」
Again, she asked, ‘Are you afraid to go to see the King Yama?’ She answered, ‘That is not good! I do not want to go there.’
She said, ‘The World of Ultimate Bliss is a good place. It is better than the heavens. If you go to the World of Ultimate Bliss, then, you do not have to go to the place of King Yama. Do you want to go?’
‘Yes, of course, I want to go!’
她又問：「去閻羅王那裡怕不怕？」
「那當然不好！不願意。」
她說：「極樂世界是非常好的地方，比天上還好。到了極樂世界就不用到閻羅王那裡去了。你要不要去呀？」
「那好啊，那我當然要去！」
Chen Po is that simple. She knows there is the World of Ultimate Bliss. She does not want to go to the place of King Yama to undergo judgement. With this kind of mind, she recited Namo Amitabha Buddha, Namo Amitabha buddha… from morning till night. This is the first time she has heard about the World of Ultimate Bliss, that by reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha, we can go there.
陳婆就很簡單，知道有一個極樂世界、不要到閻羅王那裡去審判，就懷著這樣的心念佛——南無阿彌陀佛，南無阿彌陀佛……一天到晚念。這是她第一次聽到念佛可以到極樂世界。
Later, Upasika Yan went back to her hometown again and her mother told her, ‘Our neighbour A Po is sick. She is on the bed. Do go and take a look at her!’ Upasika Yan went over to see her and found that she did not recite Namo Amitabha Buddha on the bed. Upasika Yan asked, ‘A Po, you like Amitabha recitation so much. Now, why are you not reciting?’ She asked, ‘Can I recite Namo Amitabha Buddha while lying on the bed?’
後來，嚴居士又回老家一趟，她媽媽說：「隔壁的阿婆病了，躺在床上，你去看看吧！」嚴居士就去看她，見她躺在床上不念佛。嚴居士說：「阿婆，你這麼喜歡念佛，現在怎麼不念佛啊？」
她說：「躺在床上也能念佛嗎？」
Upasika Yan told her, ‘No problem! You are sick now. So, it is inconvenient. Amitabha Buddha does not mind. You can lie on the bed to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha.’
She said, ‘I am worried that I should not recite on the bed. I wanted to recite but I dared not do it. It is so good for you to tell me this. I believe in you. I have seen you growing up before me and I know you will not lie to me.’ Good! She started to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha again.
嚴居士就跟她說：「沒關係！你現在生病不方便，阿彌陀佛不嫌棄，你躺在床上也好念佛的！」
她說：「我就怕不能念佛，我想念還不敢念。你這樣告訴我就好了，我相信你講的話，我從小看著你長大的，知道你不騙人。」好！她又開始念佛。
After the passing by of one more month, Upasika Yan’s mother told her, ‘Our neighbour A Po has already passed away. She has left in such a supremely wonderful way.’
又過了一個多月，嚴居士的媽媽說：「隔壁的阿婆走了，走得非常殊勝。」
No one in the old lady’s home believes in the Buddha. Before she left, she told her daughter the time she would be leaving.’ But her daughter did not believe in her. She said, ‘Mother, you look so good. Where are you going?’ She did not take her words seriously. So, she passed away silently, with no aided recitation. When her daughter came back and found that her mother had already passed away. But her body is still very soft. She was very frightened because she had no faith in the Buddha. She did not know what has happened. She ran to see Upasika Yan’s Mother, her neighbour and said, ‘Do come and see what has happened to my mother. Is she death already or still alive? Why is her body so soft?’ You see, this is a very common old lady who is not cultured, who only recite Namo Amitabha Buddha exclusively. She took care of her recitation and she left in such a supremely wonderful way.
老婆婆家裡沒有人信佛，她走的時候提前告訴女兒她什麼時候要走。女兒不相信：「你精神好得很，你往哪裡去啊？」沒當一回事兒。她是一個人悄悄走的，沒有人助念。她女兒跑回來一看，媽媽死了，身上還是軟的，就害怕了，因為不信佛、不瞭解怎麼回事，就跑到隔壁找嚴居士的媽媽：「你看看我媽怎麼回事，是死還是沒死？怎麼身上是稀軟稀軟的？」你看，就這麼一個平常的老太太，沒有文化，專修念佛，守著這句名號，走得非常殊勝。
Great Master Yin Guang said that he had been travelling tens of thousand miles to and fro from the south to the north. He has met with lots of people. In most cases, Amitabha reciters who are honest, simple will pass away peacefully and at ease, even though there is no manifestation of lights or auspicious marks. But those who has penetrated the sects and teachings, who look down on the Pure Land practitioners, who are very well-known often leave the world in a pitiful and chaotic way. At the last moment of life, the well-versed ones, the wise ones suffer a loss in comparison to the uneducated ones, the ones with no wisdom. You may be winning now, but at last you will lose. This is not good.
印光大師講，他走南闖北，往返萬餘里，見過很多人，往往是老實愚癡的念佛人，即使走的時候沒有什麼放光動地的瑞相，但最起碼都走得安詳自在；那些通宗通教、蔑視淨土的人，雖然有很大的名聲，但是走的時候總是呼爹叫娘。到最後，有學問、有智慧的人反而輸給沒有學問、沒有智慧的人。大家不要現在贏過人家，到最後輸給人家，那就不好了。
Of course, if the wise ones are not proud of his wisdom, in the way just as described by Great Master Yin Guang, that he is able to put down his body and mind, that he recites Namo Amitabha Buddha sincerely just like the common old ladies, his wisdom will be much more supreme. This is because not only he can attain a rebirth, he can also propagate the Dharma to benefit living beings. This is much better.
當然，有智慧的人如果不倚恃自己的智慧，像印光大師所說的，也能夠放下身心，老老實實學一般的老太太來念佛，他的智慧就更加殊勝。因為他不僅可以自己往生，還可以弘法利生，那就更好了。
The ones with great learning should have a change of mind. They should not be so proud of their knowledge that they refuse to recite Namo Amitabha Buddha. They should think this way, ‘My knowledge and understanding are very limited. Even Manjushri Bodhisattva, Samantabhadra Bodhisattva are also seeking to attain a rebirth in the Pure Land of Ultimate Bliss, what is more so for a common man like me?’ They should transform the mind of arrogance to seek a rebirth in the World of Ultimate Bliss.
多聞的人，也要迴心，不要認為自己廣學多聞，就可以不念佛。應該說：「我們的智解很有限，文殊菩薩、普賢菩薩都求生極樂淨土，何況我這個庸庸凡夫呢？」迴轉高慢的心，求生極樂世界。
Those who uphold the precepts should also have a change of mind to seek a rebirth in the Western World of Ultimate Bliss. By doing so, their Brahman conduct will be guaranteed. They are confirmed to attain Buddhahood.
How about those who have transgressed the precepts, who are deep in sinful karmas? Most of them will feel that they are finished, ‘I am finished. I am sure to fall down!’ May be Amitabha Buddha will not rescue people such like me.’ This type of thinking is improper too. They should have a change of mind. With a mind of regrets and repentance they should say, ‘I am heavy in sinful karmas. With a root potential like me, I am sure I will fall down! Only Amitabha Buddha who is Greatly kind and Compassionate can rescue me with this root potential. So, I will have a change of mind to rely totally on Amitabha Buddha. In every thought, I am mindful of the Buddha, reciting His Name to seek a rebirth in the Western Land.’ People such like are confirmed to attain a rebirth too.
持淨戒的人，也要迴心求生西方極樂世界，這樣才能保證梵行清淨，決定成佛。
破戒的、罪業深厚的人呢？一般會覺得「完了，我要墮落了！我這樣的人，阿彌陀佛可能不救。」這樣的心也是不正確的，也要迴心轉意。應該懷著慚愧心和懺悔心：「我罪業深重，以我這樣的根機，肯定要墮落！現在只有阿彌陀佛大慈大悲，能夠救度我這樣的根機。所以，我的心迴轉過來，投靠阿彌陀佛，念念念佛，求生西方。」這樣也決定往生。
During the Song Dynasty, there was a monk by the name Ying Ke. It was recorded in the ‘General records of the Buddha.’ Dharma Master Ying Ke had left the homelife. But he did not abide the Buddha’s precepts and pure rules and had many transgressions.
宋朝有一位出家師父，名叫瑩珂，在《佛祖統紀》裡有記載。瑩珂法師雖然出了家，但是在戒律方面毀犯很多，沒有按照佛法的清規戒律來做。
After some time, he realized his faults, ‘Oh dear! I am in troubles. I continue to drink wine, to eat meat. Besides, I have transgressed many other precepts. I am indeed leaving the homelife in vain. I am very sure I will fall into the evil paths!’ He was very frightened as he had not bothered to learn any Dharma Door. In fact, his mind was not on the Path. Now he had an awakening and he borrowed a book from his Dharma brothers. It is the ‘Biography on attaining a rebirth.’ After he had read the book, he heaved a sigh of relief, ‘I see! By reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha I can attain a rebirth in the Western World of Ultimate Bliss!’ He immediately had a change of mind and became very diligent in Amitabha recitation. He swore that he would not eat nor drink for seven days, ‘My sins are too severe. It is most frightening to fall into the hell! Since I can go to the West by reciting Namo Amitabha Buddha, I have better go now, reciting the Buddha’s Name now!’ After bringing forth this mind, he closed his doors and recited Namo Amitabha Buddha by himself in the room.
過了一段時間，他良心發現：「麻煩了！像我這樣子，酒肉也沒有斷，其他戒也多有毀犯，我豈不是白白出家一場！豈不是要墮落惡道！」心中就很恐慌。他沒修學過什麼法門，因為沒有道心嘛。現在醒悟了，他就向同住的道友借了一部《往生傳》，看過之後非常感慨：「原來念佛可以往生西方極樂世界！」他一轉變過來，就勇猛念佛，發誓七天不吃不喝：「我造罪太重了，墮落地獄不得了！念佛能到西方，乾脆現在就念著佛去！」發了這樣的心，就把門關起來，一個人在房間裡念佛。
After three days, he had a dream of Amitabha Buddha who came to tell him this, ‘You can still live another ten years. After ten years, I will come again to welcome you. You should be diligent.’
Ying Ke Dharma Master said, ‘Amitabha Buddha! I am this man with inferior root, with no wisdom. I am afraid after such a long time I might lose my Proper mindfulness and start to commit sins of decay. Please help me, Amitabha Buddha who is kind and compassionate. Do bring me along earlier. I do not want to live another ten years.’ This is the genuine mind to seek a rebirth in the Western World of Ultimate Bliss. This is bringing forth the courageous mind of diligence.

Ok this is a long one but here goes, my bf at the beginning of our relationship did a lot of crap that honestly freaked me out. During an argument he would try to stop me from leaving or take my keys away from me, he’s said stuff before that rlly hurt me. There was one time the cops even got called to my apartment complex because he was chasing me around the halls to try to convince me to talk to him.
He’s not a bad guy just really stubborn and has some growing up to do. He’s an only child and lived with his parents before me, I’m also his first relationship so I tried to be patient with him for a long time.
When he first moved into the apartment (that I already had before him) I thought it was going to be like us combining our lives, but it instead felt more like he took over my life. When he moved in he only brought over a tote of his clothes and his pc. Treats all of my stuff like it’s his, he had a car that his parents pay for, but he only uses mine that I pay for myself. He also completely stopped talking to his friends and family?? Which he told my sister was because they would tell him to break up with me and that really weirded me out.
Now it’s been a full year that he’s been living with me and a year and a half that we’ve been together. I’ve had COUNTLESS talks with him about these things that bother me, each time he would tell me he’d be better, but nothing ever changed. However, about a month and a half ago the cops talked to him about the whole chasing me and not letting me leave, and I started to see some results. When I ask for space now he gives me it, and he finally started speaking to his friends and family again.
I don’t know why though, I still feel really shitty and alone, I had kind of already given up on the relationship. I’ve tried breaking up with him at least three separate times but he keeps convincing me that if I wait until we get our own place everything will get better. The lease is up in a month but everytime I think about moving in with him on the lease I just feel super sick. Like a feeling of dread. I don’t know if I’m just holding resentment or if its really a bad idea to keep this going. I still love him just not in the same way anymore…
TDLR: My bf was shitty to me at the beginning of our relationship but now that he’s changed I still don’t know if I want to be with him

We all know by now that dating apps do not have loyalty towards their proposed purpose and have loyalty instead to their shareholders. And now that they've spent years growing in popularity and becoming mainstream, they want to squeeze every last dollar out of you.
This is an unregulated space, and no one seems to notice how unethical it seems to be that it's of course in direct conflict of interest with the purpose that they're supposed to be fulfilling, because they don't ever want you to leave the app! Instead, they are designed now to manipulate and use as leverage the desperation of lonely men to get them to pay more and more, and they don't even have to really deliver results for what you pay them for because those results are arbitrary and up to their design behind the scenes.
I used them for 13 years and have been successful with them, have had plenty of great experiences, and even went through three separate long-term relationships using them. But now it seems that they have changed and I am no longer able to achieve the same results from them.
I have even gone so far as to purchase Platinum subscription and to see how it works thereafter, and I have to say that it only gets worse, because once they know that you're willing to pay for something like that, they are going to keep trying to get you to pay. So even with Platinum, they will then resort to trying to get you to buy superlikes and boosts endlessly. How? By throttling your account in some secret way, only to provide enough sporadic drops of dopamine here and there to keep you slightly dissatisfied and wanting to buy, but not fed up enough to walk away.
I have never had results with superlikes and boosts. First of all, boosts do not guarantee that you match with the people that you actually want to match with. It seems that the app matches you with a max 10-20 people per boost, and they're usually not who you've already swiped right on.
Anyways, this is all to say that I no longer want to be a part of these apps, and I want to get off them and try to find new ways to date. Although I am lost with how to do that in this day and age, and when I've had so much success with the dating apps in the past, I don't feel like I'll have nearly as much success in real life. Not that I don't think I'm attractive, but because of the logistical aspects of it. It's inconvenient because you don't know who's single, you don't know a person's age, and you have to find those things out when you see someone that you're attracted to, and the only setting to do that appropriately is either in a bar or a club or some social setting that interaction with strangers is expected.
So what I'm asking is, is anyone in a similar boat? or has advice with how to approach trying to date off apps? And I know it's a question that gets asked a lot because people just simply are lost with trying to navigate it. And I think it's hard for people that don't typically go to bars or clubs or want to spend a lot of time in those types of settings because they're busy or they have other hobbies or goals that maybe don't involve a lot of new people/strangers that they can interact with.

I don't even know if this is something I can get advice with, or if I'm just complaining.
I spent the last several months saving up from my job so I could fix my car and get an apartment to be closer to my at-the-time boyfriend. We broke up, but we spent so much time saving and looking forward to seeing eachother after 6 months apart in an LDR that we decided would've been nice to at least see eachother before I move on. My car got totaled 20 minutes from his place at the very end of a 12 hour drive.
All the money I saved fixing it up, gone. All the rent money I was taking with me will be gone trying to get a replacement. And now I have nowhere else to go.
Everything is just so fucking hard. I have $1500 to work with and its not even enough to just get a shitty beater. Every used car is like "Needs new engine/needs brakes/needs windshield/ asking $1000/no lowballs" and like, I literally cant afford to get a car AND repair it just so its drivable.
I feel like my whole life just keeps falling apart over and over and over again. Everything I work towards ends up blowing up in my face.
Last year, I became a flight attendant. It lasted 3 whole months out of training, because I literally just didn't have the money to uber or lyft to-and-from work AND rent my room. My fault, 100%. I didn't have as much money saved as I should have, so that's my fault.
The year before that, I decided to pursue my long-term dream of being a tattoo artist and started an apprenticeship. My "mentor" was literally just a fucking scum bag and was constantly inappropriate towards me. To making jokes about wanting to tattoo my clit, having to deal with him and his gf make fun of my tits and saying I needed a boobjob, trying to tell me I HAD to let him tattoo me if I wanted to finish my apprenticeship. Every time I had to tell him not to talk to me in a certain way, he would just escalate a week later. It finally came to an end after he locked his hands around my neck and pretended to strangle me. Like, he didnt squeeze but his hands were locked tight enough that I literally couldn't step back when I tried. Then the shop owner blamed me for it when I told him about it, saying I should've "established that boundary".
I'm so estranged from my family. My dad has made it very clear he doesn't care about our relationship. He hasn't called me in 8 years, except twice where I had called him and the call dropped. The last straw was last Thanksgiving when I had to invite myself to his house after he ignored ALL my texts. To the point where I was begging him to just tell me if I had done something wrong. When I got there, his wife didn't even introduce me to people as his daughter. "His step-daughteex's kid/whatever". He's been my dad since I was a baby. He's let me call him Dad my entire life. I never pulled the "you're not my real dad" fucking ever. He's been my dad.
My mom and I have always had a strained relationship. She had a mental break that lasted for several years and it did a lot of irreparable damage. She never got help with it either, so just being in proximity to her for too long means she'll go apeshit over nothing and convinces herself I am just lying to her constantly when I'm not.
My sister is caught in an on-again off-again physically abusive relationship, so I can't come to her with anything or support her in any way. She just ghosts me for weeks at a time. The last time we hung out, I was making us pasta and she just peeled out of the house to go argue with her boyfriend bc she thought he was cheating again. I literally can not be close with her because she just doesn't allow it. It doesn't matter how many times she gets out, how much support is offered.
I'm sorry, I'm just complaining.
Its just, this relationship was the last thing I had. It was everything I was working towards. It was the thing that, to me, was going to make all this bullshit worth it. And it just fell apart. I was too depressed, too insecure. I made it harder for him when he was also going through a lot. He couldn't take it anymore and broke things off.
I had myself hospitalized. I had already been having thoughts of suicide, but when I realized it was over, I felt I had nothing else to live for. When I got out on the 16th this month, I had a game plan that gave me hope. Get my car fixed, see him one last time, drive far away, and get myself an apartment and start over.
And then my fucking car got totaled. I should've replaced the brakes and the headlights too, because driving at night in the rain was impossible. Couldn't see shit, couldn't brake in time, ended up fucking up the whole frame of the car when I slid off the road and hit a culvert encased in concrete.
All the money I spent fixing it up, gone. All the money meant for the apartment, meaningless.
My ex's family is kind enough to let me stay while we try to get something figured out. I'll probably end up buying my ex's car if we can get it running. But even so, I'm here mourning our relationship and the future I was planning and its just too fucking much. I cant get a job until I have a way to get to it, and its so rural there's really nothing around. So even then, I'll just have to choke down everything while I'm saving again. And its just painful.
I just.. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take it anymore. I don't have a way out anymore. I don't know what to do. I just wanted to have a home. I just wanted to belong somewhere, and I don't belong anywhere. Every time I take a chance trying to improve my life, or pursue my goals, I just fall flat on my fucking face every time. I don't have the courage or strength to keep going. I am a shell of the person I was. I am nothing, and I just want to go back to being nothing.

I’ve never posted on here so forgive me.
I’m trying to figure out if I should keep renting and travel or continue to buy this house…
Backstory: I’m 28 and I’ve always loved to travel and was tied down to my state for college (had 3 jobs while on a scholarship). So after college, I took time off from my jobs when I could and traveled a lot. Then I got a remote job which made this even easier. I was traveling every two weeks to different states and countries. It got extremely lonely though being by myself. Even if I met new friends out etc. I also started really solidifying my friend group when I was back home and seeing my family more. I always said up until this year that I would never stay in my state (it’s very conservative and I’m gay). But after moving to the main city and nourishing these relationships, I feel extremely sad to leave them and what I’ve built.
I met my partner last year after traveling and now I can’t imagine doing anything without her. We’ve been together a year and are planning on moving in together in the next 6 months or so.
Here are my problems:
I work from home and have been for 2 years. I live in a 600 sq. ft house and my office is in my room. I don’t love it being in the same area but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore. My rent is extremely cheap though at $800/month for the area.
My company actually got acquired last year and I got a major payout for it. A little over $100k. I’ve had a lot of money saved up before this so this is kinda just icing on the cake and I actually said if they would’ve given me $200k, I would’ve quit and just traveled full time.
My partner is just now graduating college and doesn’t intend to look for a job until the fall which makes it very difficult for us to travel together now.. though we’ve managed a couple of trips.
This money has been sitting in a HYSA so it’s been making some interest but I also feel like it’s not doing the most it can by just sitting there. (A little bit of burning a hole in my pocket). Which is why I started looking for a house. Although that’s never really been a dream of mine…
I was loosely looking for a house in my area and ended up finding one that’s not “too” bad price wise, has ample space and even a pool! Everything went so fast and now I’m set to close in 3 weeks. But now I’m going back and forth on if I should even do this or not. I’m not sure if it’s nerves of a massive purchase or what but I’m freaking out doing this alone.
Can you buy a house and still travel? Is that realistic? My mortgage with my down payment is gonna be $1600 (7.25% interest rate). So it’s really only doubling what I pay now but with utilities it’s half what I make a month. Idk if I’m screwing myself with this (since I’ve been financially very free the past few years) or making a good investment for my future.
Any advice on things you’ve done or would’ve done differently?

22-minute read to cover the latest developments in Armenia beyond headlines.

Azeri public continues to discuss the possible return or exchange of Armenian exclave Artsvashen currently under Azerbaijani control

Context in Monday news digest. A ranking member of Azerbaijani parliament suggested returning Artsvashen to Armenia in exchange for the Azeri exclaves, or swapping them so each side can keep what it currently controls. An Azeri analyst called it dangerous to allow Armenians to return to Artsvashen because he believes it would make the entire territory of Azerbaijan "up to Ganja" vulnerable.
AZERI JOURNALIST (Fatima Movlamli): There are currently [Azeri] military positions near the entrance of the village [Artsvashen]. Although the local population is not strictly checked upon entry and exit, some control appears to be in place. The army checks "strangers". The village is also observed from far away. All the houses are empty; they are crumbling. There is no one around. The only people you see are nearby villagers who take their cattle to [Artsvashen's] pasture.
NEARBY AZERI VILLAGER: I visit the [Armenian] village to feed my cattle and my family. If they give it to Armenians, it will be my end. This is our source of bread, and these areas will no longer be safe for us. Many of us rely on these territories for a living. There is total unemployment and none of us have other jobs. We will have to emigrate if they give this village.
NATIN JAFARLI (ReAl party): There are two reasons why the village was not populated [by Azeris, after the capture in 1992]. The first is for legal reasons because Armenia could claim it's their land and demand compensation. There are also socio-economic components that have forced the population to migrate to Baku over the past 30 years. If there was a normal socio-economic policy, there would be no migration. It's not easy to create social infrastructure in Bashkend [Artsvashen] for natural reasons. If we decide to swap the enclaves, then referendums must be held in both countries. Can you imagine the Armenian police or army marching 30 kilometers deep into Azerbaijan? It doesn't sound realistic. The same about Azeris entering the exclaves inside Armenia. How will you guarantee the population's food, banking, communication, gas, etc.? It doesn't seem realistic.
ELKHAN SHAHINOGLU (Atlas research center): Even if Armenians return our 4 villages [presumably within Azeri exclaves], it will be difficult for Azeris to live in them because we will be forced to reach the villages through Armenia. The same is true if we transfer [Artsvashen] to Armenia. Therefore, I believe this issue can be resolved if the lands are exchanged.
AZERI RESIDENT: I used to work as a nurse in [Artsvashen]. I remember how I attempted to save the lives of the soldiers who captured it. I don't want it to be returned to Armenia because I'm concerned that the same events will repeat. Nothing good will happen if Armenians return here. This place connects Shinikhi to the entire Ganja region. Should we allow Armenians to stand between the two? I'm 65 so the future generations will have to live here but no one will dare to come if they hear about the presence of Armenians.
source,

Azerbaijan is still reluctant to include the Almaty Declaration in the final peace agreement despite the April 19 separate agreement to use it for border demarcation

FM MIRZOYAN: Recently we agreed that the demarcation should take place on the basis of the Almaty Declaration and the Regulations of the border commissions should also refer to the Almaty. This is one of the principles, and if we manage to include Almaty in the peace agreement, then we will get very close to a final resolution. Our neighbor is still reluctant to make a clear reference to the Almaty Declaration in the peace treaty, which is a more comprehensive document.
The second issue is with the unblocking of communication routes. Armenia is ready to become a part of the international transit route. The Crossroads of Peace will benefit Armenia and the entire region. Turkey and Azerbaijan would also benefit by connecting East and West. If this is implemented, it will be another interesting way to connect the Persian Gulf countries with the Black Sea economic region.
QUESTION: You froze your participation in CSTO. Do you plan to join NATO?
MIRZOYAN: We do not want to be part of a dysfunctional mechanism [CSTO]. But we are still a CSTO member so it's necessary to take steps to make it function; we are discussing the issues on the AM-RU agenda. Simultaneously we have launched a process to strengthen AM-West relations and to diversify Armenia's economy.
source, video,

interview with Azeri opposition activist-in-exile Arif Yunusov

REPORTER: Azerbaijan had long refused to use 1991 Almaty for delimitation but on April 19 they agreed to launch the process based on Almaty. Why did they change their position?
YUNUSOV: Because of the problems Aliyev developed with the West. When Blinken makes a phone call, that means extensive work was done prior to the call. The issue of sanctions raised earlier this year was also raised after months of work. The collective West is pressuring Azerbaijan. We have entered the decisive phase of the West-Russia confrontation. The physical fights are taking place in Ukraine, while diplomatic wars rage in the South Caucasus.
Russia attempted on several occasions to destabilize Armenia's internal stability by using Azerbaijan but their efforts have failed and there hasn't been any serious escalation on the AM-AZ border. Pashinyan was not exaggerating the possibility of a war in Tavush a few months ago; there was indeed a real threat. However, the likelihood is much lower now and Azerbaijan has given its approval to launch the delimitation process. The ongoing delimitation process is part of the effort to regulate AM-AZ relations and push Russia out of the region.
REPORTER: Blinken spoke on Sunday with Aliyev and Pashinyan. I'm under the impression that this AM-AZ delimitation, despite being called "bilateral", is actually being moderated by the US.
YUNUSOV: Absolutely agree. Aliyev has a lengthy history of rejecting many Western efforts and being close with Putin, so the fact that he didn't reject it this time indicates serious pressure from the West. By the way, Aliyev became president in February but Biden hasn't congratulated him yet. For Aliyev, it's very important to receive a congratulation personally from Biden.
The US is moderating this process step-by-step. This process began in 2022 when Pashinyan recognized Nagorno-Karabakh as part of Azerbaijan; that was part of the US plan to normalize AM-AZ relations. Under this plan, Azerbaijan announced the formation of a commission to "integrate" Nagorno-Karabakh Armenians. Obviously, it all changed later and the US officials began to raise the issue of Aliyev being too close to Russia and about a need to pull him away from Putin. It appears the US is gradually getting what it wants because the US's role in this demarcation process is huge.
REPORTER: Is this also why Azerbaijan asked Russia to withdraw its military base from Nagorno-Karabakh? Was it under the US pressure?
YUNUSOV: I'm not entirely sure about the full details behind their withdrawal. I don't even know if they are truly being withdrawn because there is a motive to calm the Azerbaijani public that's anti-Russian.
There is also the fact that Russia was unable to deploy those peacekeepers on the AM-AZ border and push out the EU border monitoring mission from Armenia. Russia attempted to achieve this in December 2023 during a meeting in St. Petersburg but Pashinyan rejected Putin's efforts. Moreover, Pashinyan said that Armenia is no longer interested in the fate of Russian peacekeepers in Nagorno-Karabakh and that this topic must be resolved between Russia and Azerbaijan. This was followed by Pashinyan's order to remove Russian agents from Yerevan's airport by August 2024. So Russia's effort to pressure Armenia with the hands of Azerbaijan has totally failed.
It's a strange situation, the withdrawal of peacekeepers. We don't know how many were removed and how many remain. I do not have information that the US pressured Azerbaijan to remove the Russian peacekeepers. [audio cuts off] The US is only strong when there is Armenia, during meetings, and we tend to receive information whenever Armenia is part of a negotiation process, whereas Azerbaijan-Russia talks are more secretive.
It appears Russia is withdrawing the equipment first because they need it ahead of the May offensive in Ukraine, before possibly a wider withdrawal by September.
Regarding the demarcation of the AM-AZ border, Russia understands that if the parties reach an agreement, that could mean the end of Russian presence in the South Caucasus. The AM-AZ border is a geopolitical issue. Russia will publicly formally welcome the delimitation efforts but it's not in their interest.
REPORTER: Why is France silent about the April 19 delimitation agreement?
YUNUSOV: France has adopted the correct position. First of all, Western states coordinate their policies [including on delimitation], but in each region, each Western state takes up a different position. For example, on the Ukraine issue, France provides support to Ukraine but the main locomotive is the US. In the South Caucasus, it's the opposite: the US provides the moderation efforts while the main locomotive - in this case, support for Armenia - is France. There is a crisis in FR-AZ relations. So France doesn't want to hinder the delimitation effort by intervening; they let the US handle it. There is currently an anti-French hysteria in Azerbaijan. The French endorsement of the AM-AZ delimitation agreement would be a big blow to the process.
full,

ruling party rejects opposition's motion to conduct the AM-AZ border delimitation based on 1993 "de facto" borders instead of 1991 Almaty borders

Context and debates in April 23 news digest. The opposition is against delimiting borders with the 1991 Almaty maps.
The opposition accuses the ruling party of serving Turkey's interests while the ruling party accuses the opposition of attempting to derail the 1991 delimitation process so they can drag Armenia into a new conflict before bringing the Russian "empire" as a savior to establish their rule in Armenia.
One thing that struck the ruling party's nerves was the opposition's narrative that "Armenia ends where the Armenian soldier stands". The ruling party believes that this principle is both dangerously expansionist [in the case of 2.5 Azeri villages] and would also endanger the fate of occupied Armenian lands. "We have a clear border with Azerbaijan, and it must be reproduced on the ground," said a ranking ruling party MP. Yesterday the government said over 50% of the task was done on a section of the Tavush-Gazakh border.
In response to the opposition's accusations that the ruling party serving the interests of Azerbaijan by "surrendering lands", a ruling MP accused the opposition of pressuring the government to surrender a corridor to Russia and Azerbaijan.
RULING MP: Mr. Sharmazanov [ex-president Serj's party] routinely says the quiet part out loud. At first, he spoke about the need to give a corridor [to Azerbaijan and Russia, via Syunik], and more recently he made another fantastic statement. Sharmazanov said "a homeland is eternal while a state is variable. The state's borders can expand or shrink." This stems from their mentality that today they are MPs of the Armenian parliament but tomorrow they could just as easily be Russian Duma MPs, representing the Armyanski Oblast. This is the clash of values: a stable state with borders vs. a "homeland" with variable borders. For us, the Republic of Armenia is irreplaceable and the independence of Armenia is non-negotiable. //
source, video, source, source,

the independent TV & radio regulator was summoned to parliament to report the 2023 activities

REGULATOR: Last year the broadcasters under our watch operated freely, without government intervention. The TV outlets stated that they were not pressured or obstructed by any branch of the government to limit their freedom of expression.
The issue persists with misinformation and hate speech, but our 3-year-long monitoring reveals that this negative content has been significantly reduced in public multiplex. This positive trend has multiple reasons, including our Committee's fight against the abuse of "freedom of speech". This type of negative content has, by in large, moved from television to the internet and social media.
We are strongly against the government's electoral code amendment that required private media outlets to allocate a limited number of free hours to candidates during electoral campaigns. How is this different from requiring gas stations to provide free gas to candidates? The media outlets are deprived of hours that they could use to generate income.
We've been calling for reforms in the law regulating the media. The 2020 law on liberalizing media regulations is a welcoming change. The field is free, with minimal intervention from the Committee (regulator) or the government.
However, this liberalization also endangers Armenia's media security. For example, foreign channels broadcasted over Armenia's public multiplex and cable often spread content illegal under Armenian law and against the Republic of Armenia's interests. The law does not grant the Committee enough powers to curtail this. At the moment, the Committee has jurisdiction over public multiplex TV and licensed radio channels only. This creates an uneven competition field with channels broadcasted over the net, which do not have to follow the same rules. Under European directives, a minimal level of regulation of internet content has become a requirement for European countries. We advise the government to follow European practices.
The public often wonders what share of cable TV content is in Armenian or made in Armenia. Our research reveals the content based on the country of origin: Armenian 71 (vs 68 last year), Russian 174 (vs 167), European 75, American 38, Other 15. As you can see, relevant parties should take steps to increase the share of Armenian content.
We have very important progress in another metric: Armenian-language programs aired over Armenian channels, nationwide or in Yerevan. The Armenian-language programs accounted for 95% of the air. This includes foreign content translated into Armenian or with Armenian subtitles.
2018: <60%
2020: 79%
2021: 81%
2023: 95%
We have progress in another important area. Over the last 3-4 years, on the public multiplex, the share of partisan ideological content has been gradually replaced by content more beneficial to the general public. For example, (1) we now have a sports program that promotes the development of local sports and provides coverage of local events. (2) We have a family channel called Noor available in Yerevan. Despite some challenges and flaws, they are doing their best to establish themselves as a family channel. (3) We have an educational channel Bun. (4) We have a music channel Dar21.
By in large, the public multiplex still falls short of delivering what we envisage. We believe the time has come to adopt a new state strategy on media to prevent a crisis. We could have a crisis because the state has too many regulations and not enough incentives to allow channels to use their slots to generate income and produce quality content.
We fear that during the next auction for slots in 2027, several slots could be left uncontested, which could pave the way for the entry of propagandistic channels or clearly weak channels unable to deliver quality content. If the channels fail to generate income, they could also be sold to foreign buyers. Therefore, some channels could begin to serve the interests of foreign states and serve foreign propaganda to Armenian citizens.
We advise the government to...
(1) reduce the number of channels on public multiplex. It's an unreasonably high number for a country size of Armenia. Fewer public multiplex channels means each channel would receive more ad dollars, which would raise the quality of content.
(2) establish a media assistance fund to incentivize quality content over the public multiplex.
How do we monitor media channels for compliance? The monitoring phase lasts 2 months per year. In Lithuania and Georgia, it's 1 month. The rest of the time the monitoring is done by NGOs, the public, and other institutions.
We penalized 34 companies for broadcasting pirated content. This is a shamefully high number. There are unfortunately companies that do not respect intellectual property. The only option left is to ramp up the enforcement. The atmosphere of impunity among channels is driven by the fact that the size of the penalty is only $130, which is a lot less than what they'd spend on obtaining the rights to the content.
We've been enforcing rules more vigorously, and in 2023 alone there were 64 administrative proceedings. In comparison, between 2011-2018 there were a total of 17 such proceedings.
2011-2018: 17
2021: 84
2023: 64
Reasons for administrative proceedings: copyright violation, illegal ads, content harmful to children, gore & violence, cussing on air, failure to meet the minimum threshold of 20% for certain types of content, etc.
In December we made a decision to suspend the re-broadcasting of [Russian] Sputnik Radio for a month. We were accused of violating their free speech [by Armenia's opposition factions], however, the radio's leadership visited Armenia, apologized for their content, and agreed to exclude the violating show [Kremlin propagandist Tigran Keosayan] from their programming aired in Armenia. We lifted the suspension.
Once again, the Committee reminds that it will suspend any foreign outlet that broadcasts content that spreads hatred towards the Republic of Armenia or its people, interferes with Armenia's internal affairs, questions Armenia's sovereignty, or engages in provocative actions.
Along with increased enforcement, we also have more complaints filed against our decisions in courts, which shows that the enforcement & appeals process is functioning freely. Sometimes we lose these trials. We learn and gain experience.
We recently signed the first-ever agreement with a country outside Eurasia. The agreement with friendly Argentina's state media agency will allow Armenia's public channel to film a big սերիալ.
The Committee is cooperating with the high-tech ministry to use AI in our work to save resources and raise efficiency.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: The law requires television to provide content in the Assyrian language. Similar programs exist for Yezidis but not Assyrians.
REGULATOR: The law requires the content to be either in Assyrian language or about Assyrian culture. The latter requirement was met.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: But we would like to hear content, speech, in Assyrian language.
REGULATOR: We want to do that by requiring local television channels [presumably where Assyrians mostly live] to provide content in Assyrian language, rather than requiring the public channel to broadcast that content nationwide, because the vast majority of nationwide consumers would not be able to consume content in a language they do not speak. It should be more targeted. Assyrian subtitles on public nationwide channels are also an option so submit your suggestion and we'll negotiate with H1.
RULING MP: I welcome your decision to take action against [Kremlin's] Solovyov and Keosayan for their anti-Armenian and anti-Armenian Republic content, but people wonder why you don't take similar measures against others, like [Kremlin's] Kisilyov. What have you done in this regard and what suggestions have you sent to the high-tech ministry?
REGULATOR: Our Committee has the authority to suspend re-broadcasted radio channels, as in the case of Sputnik, but we cannot suspend television channels. We can only send complaints to the high-tech ministry so they can take action against TV channels based on the AM-RU interstate agreement. We have been frequently sending reports to our high-tech ministry, and after 3 years of inaction, they finally decided to take steps recently. You already know about their actions against Solovyov's content. The ministry is working with Russia to replace the [empty] Solovyov timeslot with other cultural or entertainment content. You can forget about Solovyov. As a reminder, this program was banned in Armenia not for being "anti-Armenian", which is a vague term, but for violating specific laws of Armenia. They often call for violence, incite steps to launch a war, etc. Even Armenian channels are not allowed to broadcast such content. We need to revise the AM-RU interstate agreement to grant the Committee more powers to regulate foreign channels as well. In the future, we should entirely ban all foreign channels on Armenia's public multiplex.
RULING MP: What is Shoghakat TV, who owns it, and does its content meet the requirements? [It's the channel operated by the church]
REGULATOR: Shoghakat was formerly called a religious-cultural channel. Under the new law, it must broadcast cultural-educational content; its genre legally is not religious-cultural. A recent study shows that the share of religious content is too high and it must be reduced by raising the share of cultural-educational programs to meet the requirements. The channel is receiving funds from the state and must therefore meet the cultural-educational programming requirements.
RULING MP: In other words, Shoghakat is a public channel, at least in part financed by the taxpayers, and does not provide the content it is legally required to? Religious content is not a bad thing but we must be mindful of the state resources.
REGULATOR: It's co-financed by the church and state. Shoghakat is also operating from a building owned by the church, and not the public TV.
OPPO MP: Isn't it time to also regulate the TV channels' social media accounts on Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok? They get more views than the content aired over the public multiplex. Children consume dangerous content on YouTube and TikTok. There are countries that are attempting to regulate it. Can Armenia do this? There are also unlicensed channels on the internet that spread whatever they want. How do we regulate all of this?
REGULATOR: This morning the EU's Ursula von der Leyen announced the possibility of banning TikTok in the EU. The same about the US. Even the most democratic states restrict platforms that pose a danger to their societies. It will be expensive to technologically restrict these platforms in Armenia but we must consider any measure that would protect the Armenian society. Armenia is falling behind the EU directives in terms of content restrictions.
OPPO MP: Today a 9-year-old boy sees as many naked girls in one day as the world's richest sultan throughout his whole life. This is going to have a negative impact on children. The same about narcotics. When are we going to amend the law to regulate this?
REGULATOR: In the case of the 9 y/o boy, the most important institutions are the school, parents, and the surrounding environment. As for regulating the media field, I've been saying this for 4 years and this appears to be a bipartisan issue so let's get together and decide how to regulate it.
RULING MP: Under the existing media regulation law, foreign companies are not allowed to operate a cable service in Armenia. Why is Rostelecom able to operate? Should we lift the ban on all foreign firms or should we ban Rostelecom?
REGULATOR: I believe they meet the requirement by not owning over 49% of the company shares. I believe 51% of their shares belong to an Armenian resident company. In their defense, Rostelecom has voluntarily banned Solovyov's show in Armenia.
full report, source,

անախորժ միջադեպ պառլամենտի բակում

The bodyguard of Armenia/ARF MP Levon Kocharyan, the son of ex-president Robert Kocharyan, is accused of punching and knocking down a journalist in the backyard of the parliament building after the outlet's criticism of opposition churchman and his portrayal as a corrupt agent of Russia.
REPORTER (Davit Levonyan, civic.am, affiliated with ruling party): After finishing an interview with a ruling party MP, I noticed that Levon Kocharyan's assistant/bodyguard Arthur Sukoyan was waiting nearby. He approached me and asked to speak for 2 minutes. I asked my operator to stand a bit further from us so we could talk. The bodyguard attempted to provoke a fight. He was unhappy about my opinion about churchman Bagrat [the co-organizer of the opposition's road closures in Tavush] and he said my actions were blasphemy. I said dear Arthur I have the right to free speech and I don't force my opinion on others, and that he can express his own opinion and that I don't really care about his opinion. He went on to escalate it into a physical fight in a way to present it as "two boys fighting" rather than hooliganism. He began to cuss at me. I said, "If you think I'm that type of person then I can say the same about you". I never punched him, knowing well that it was a provocation. He punched me and knocked me to the ground. I got up and cussed at him but chose not to fight. I told him that "you and the likes of you will answer for this". I wanted to verify whose assistant he was so he said Kocharyan's, and he invited me to his office to "settle the dispute". I told him to get the hell out of here and that he will answer later pa lyubomu.
QUESTION: Were there witnesses and is there a video recording?
REPORTER: My operator witnessed it and it was in front of the parliament building's security cameras. //
The alleged suspect, Arthur Sukoyan, is the son of Judge Alexei Sukoyan whose duties as a judge were terminated by SJC last year for "severe violations".
OPPO MP (Mher Sahakyan): That guy has no right to be called a journalist because I've seen his video [about the opposition churchman] and as a Christian Armenian, it's prosto unacceptable for me. Are you telling me you can describe a representative of a church any way you like and not answer for it? //
MP Mher Sahakyan himself was arrested last year after punching a ruling party MP and forcing him to get stitches.
What was the outlet's report that angered Kocharyan's bodyguard? The outlet accused the churchman of serving Russian interests and owning a meat production business in Tavush. A fact-checker has found that the churchman is indeed reported as a 25% shareholder of the company but the company says the churchman hasn't received profits. The ruling faction accuses the church of unethically using the church's media resources to advertise the "churchman's meat business".
source, source, source, source, source, source, source, source,

PM Pashinyan hosted the European Commission's Director-General of EU Neighborhood and Enlargement Negotiations

Pashinyan considered the AM-EU-US high-level meeting held in Brussels on April 5 as key and emphasized the need for effective implementation of the agreements reached.
Koopman noted that the European Commission is ready to contribute to the implementation of the priorities of the Armenian government to strengthen the resilience of Armenia and its economic growth.
Koopman expressed confidence that Armenia-EU relations will continue to develop and expand dynamically. The interlocutors discussed a wide range of issues related to Armenia-EU cooperation.

... On Tuesday Armenia, the EU, and Germany signed an agreement to reduce the Armenian rural population's reliance on imported Russian gas

They want to help low-income villagers and municipal buildings of Tavush, Shirak, Gegharkunik, and Syunik provinces to switch to solar energy. It will include solar water heaters, etc.
EUROPEAN COMMISSION rep.: The EU-Armenia relations are stronger than ever and the EU's dedication to Armenia is reflected in the agreements reached on April 5 in Brussels. This is a 3-year program worth €12.5 million.
GERMAN EMBASSY: Why not use the sun's energy for daily activities? Yesterday we noticed on our faces and skins how powerful the Armenian sun is. [please SPF 100 yourselves]
source, source,

World Bank’s Board of Executive Directors approved a $116 million program for Armenia to enable reforms aimed at promoting green, resilient and inclusive development

It includes a $100 million loan from IBRD and a $16 million grant. This budget support will help the Government of Armenia to build climate resilience and reduce vulnerabilities to future shocks, as part of the 2021-2026 plan.

It includes actions that will fortify anti-corruption measures by implementing a robust framework with a whistleblowing system and gift monitoring mechanism for public servants. Further, it is aligned with the Paris Agreement.

source,

Azerbaijani regime arrested another pro-democracy activist as part of a crackdown on an independent outlet

Mammadli, the head of the Election Monitoring and Democracy Studies Centre, had his home raided by the police and was detained on Monday on charges of smuggling.
EUROPEAN UNION: This detention is the latest in a series of arrests of independent journalists & activists, and a matter of concern for the EU. All those imprisoned for exercising their fundamental rights should be released.
UNITED STATES: We are deeply concerned about the ongoing arrests of representatives of the Azerbaijani political society, in particular, Anar Mammadli. We call on the government of Azerbaijan to immediately release all those unjustly arrested. We continue to call on the government of Azerbaijan to respect the human rights and fundamental freedoms of all.
source, source,

Armenia's Ambassador to the US Lilith Makunts met the experts of the US-based analytical center RAND that recently advised the West to provide defense assistance to Armenia and not to pressure Armenia to cut all ties with Russia prematurely

Ambassador Makunts presented the latest developments in the AM-AZ peace process and the Crossroads of Peace logistics process.
source, source,

Hungary is blocking the €10 million military assistance to Armenia

Context in April 17 news digest. Hungary is so far preventing the transfer of European Peace Facility resources to provide Armenia with a mobile field camp capability for a battalion-size unit, including a medical treatment facility as well as relevant services and facilities
Armenia submitted the application for funding in 2023. Georgia had earlier received €30 million in assistance as part of the same fund. They received equipment for controlling artillery divisions and engineering equipment.
Hungary, led by Turkish-Azeri-Russian ally Orban, demands that Azerbaijan receive assistance with demining activities in exchange for authorizing the transfer to Armenia. However, since Azerbaijan has not formally requested assistance with demining, it's possible the process could reach a dead end. The internal negotiations continue.
source,

Armenia's Defense Minister discussed AM-FR defence cooperation and army reforms with a French Senator

MOD Papikyan hosted Ronan Le Gloyot from the French Senate Committees on Foreign Relations, Defense, Armed Forces and European Affairs. The parties discussed AM-FR defense ties, the AM-EU ties, the Armenian army reforms, etc.
source,

Armenia and France discussed cooperation in military industry and aerospace (🤔)

High-Tech Minister Mkhitar Hayrapetyan hosted the French Senate delegation led by Ronan Le Gloyot. They discussed cybersecurity, digitization, the establishment and operation of French high-tech firms in Armenia, defense, military industry, and aerospace cooperation.
source,

France donates 4 diesel power generators with 100 kW to city halls and hospitals in Syunik

source, source,

Saudi Arabia's ethnic Armenian Prince Abdulaziz bin Talal Al Saud will visit Armenia

The agreement was reached during the recent visit by Armenia's Labor Minister to SA. The Prince and the Minister also agreed to establish cooperation between the Prince's AGFUND and Armenia's labor ministry.
source,

Armenia's Central Bank continues to cut the refinancing rate

2020: 4.25%
2022: 10.75%
2023: 9.25%
Jan 2024: 8.75%
Mar 2024: 8.50%
Apr 2024 8.25%
source, source,

Armenian migrant workers are sending fewer remittances from Russia and could find working in Armenia more beneficial

The net inflow of individuals' remittances from Russia in Q1 2024 amounted to $656.6 million compared to $1.1 billion in Q1 2023.
CENTRAL BANK: There is a decline this year due to economic and geopolitical issues, the exchange rate, and the ratio of salaries. It is necessary to have an understanding of whether Armenian migrant workers plan to continue working in Russia. Some prefer to return to Armenia and work here, as the difference in salaries now is much smaller than, for example, 10 years ago.
source, full,

agreement is signed to build a World Trade Center in Yerevan

Details in September 7 news digest.
Construction company RenShin presented the $212 million project to the government for approval. It's expected to create 10,000 jobs. There will be 4- and 5-star hotels as well.
PASHINYAN: It will be in place of the HayPost [post office] building on 22 Saryan St. Modern construction standards will be introduced in Armenia. Since our independence, there has never been a complex of this scale. It will help Armenia raise the "we are open for business" flag.
MHER GRIGORYAN: Armenia is the only country in the region without a World Trade Center. Being the last means we can have the best quality and newest technology. //
Armenia-based Renshen will invite the international architectural giant Norman Foster, known for developing the Apple Park in California, Germany's Reichstag Building, New York skyscraper Hearst Tower, the City Hall of Southwark (London), Millennium Bridge in London, Bilbao Metro, and more.
Who will own the complex? 50% investors, 30% HayPost, 20% Government. The company will buy HayPost's shares within the next 5 years. The revenue will help develop HayPost. It will have a new modern sorting facility to handle more parcels.
source,

16-year-old boy survives a fall from Kievian Bridge

source,

Yerevan's Yeritasardakan subway station has new lighting: VIDEO

It's the first of several to come.
video,

Hello everyone!! This has been on my mind for a very long time so here I am presenting my case before the Honorable Judge Charlotte. First off this is my first time on Reddit so please be a little kind secondly, English is not my first language, so I am sorry in advance if there are any grammatical errors. I am sorry if this is too long.
So, I (21 F) met this guy, let's call him Ken, at an event when I was in university. He was the roommate of my best friend's boyfriend and we clicked instantly when we met. We became almost inseparable to the point where my roommate started teasing me about it but from the very first day, I had a very clear idea of a purely platonic friendship with him. We became closer he always used to tell me that I reminded me of his older sister. We used to hang out all the time and had the same group of friends. At the same time, I had another very close friend let's call her Sally. I always thought Sally was the kind of sweet, innocent, and naive girl who has always lived in the protection of her parents and knew less about the outside world. We had some things in common and we became great friends. We lived in the same hostel, and she became very close to me to the point that I told her she was like a younger sister to me. I am an only child, and I lost my younger sister when she was an infant, hence, it was sort of a big deal for me.
Sally was part of the same friend group as Ken and started to develop feelings for Ken. This kept on for a while and one day Sally asked me if I liked Ken, and I said I didn't and then she confessed to me that she had a crush on Ken. The next day I subtly started to enquire Ken if he had feelings for her, which I thought he did, and he said yes. I urged him to pursue her, and they ended up together. I was beyond ecstatic. Everything was in place I had great friends and amazing grades; this was the reason Ken would ask me to help him out with his assignments. I was a freelance writer and had a good command of language and academic writing. I always said yes to him because he was my best friend. Sally seemed a little salty about that but when confronted she would always deny it. Our friendship was thriving I got her a summer internship in my home city and took her to my house and a family wedding, she also developed a close bond with my family.
Everything seemed amazing until we returned from the summer break, Sally started being distant, especially after Ken's birthday celebration, and I did not understand why. I was told later that it was because Ken loved my gift a lot. My best friend and my roommate were both telling me these were the red flags. I did not pay much mind to it as it was third-party information.
One day out of nowhere my best friend Meg and her boyfriend, Ken's roommate, told me that Sally was cheating on Ken. I did not believe them at first but then he showed me screenshots of Snapchat conversations he took when he confronted the guy with whom she was cheating. He told me the guy, who was a senior in Ken's class and friends with Ken told him that Sally was trying to woo him when he was drunk. Meg's boyfriend was smart enough to take the pictures on his phone of the chats. I was speechless, he asked me if we should tell Ken as we were both his good friends, and he had the right to know. I was conflicted for a while because it would ruin Ken and Sally's relationship but then decided he had the right to know.
When we told Ken he was livid. He decided to confront Sally. He asked us to be with him in the college cafeteria when he did that, but we decided to give them some space and sit at a different table. After 5 or so minutes we saw that they were hugging each other, Ken came to us and told us that Sally confessed and apologized and that the guy must have led her on. I wanted to say something, but I did not because Sally was throwing me dirty looks. By this point, Sally was insistent that I should stay away from Ken. To satisfy her insecurities Ken set me up with a guy, it was technically my first relationship, but things did not work out between us, and we broke up in a month. During that one month, we went on a trip together, three couples me, my boyfriend, Meg and her boyfriend, and Sally and Ken. Sally had some financial issues so I paid for half of her very expensive hotel room and car rental price because I did want to make her feel. It did not seem like much at the time as my parents covered my part of the trip and I was making a good sum of money through a part-time job. During that trip, Sally constantly tried to sideline me and one-up me even before Meg. By that time, I was under the impression that if I offended her, I would end up offending Ken so I let it slide.
The next year Meg's roommate moved to another place so there was an empty bed in her room. We decided to let Sally move in and that turned out to be a mistake. Once Sally moved in with Meg who lived right in the next room to me. After she moved in Ken started getting more and more distant, he only ever talked to me when he was either drunk, very sad, or needed me to do one of his assignments. I confronted Sally about it and it resulted in a huge argument. Ken was a little apologetic about it and told me he would make it up to me and we decided to go watch a movie the next day, but on the next day, he again ditched me because, surprise, surprise, he was with Sally, and she needed him that day. (During this time, I started seeing this amazing guy we liked all the same kinds of things, on our first date he gifted me a book by my favorite author. I loved fantasy novels, and I am a sucker for Greek Mythology books, so needless to say that book was special to me). I missed my best friend and I always said yes to help him with assignments. Even on the day of our farewell party in my senior year of college, I was making a presentation for his project and did not even have time to get ready properly when everyone in my class, including Sally, was looking spectacular and I was not. Even after the Party I had to stay up for a while to do his work.
What happened the next day of the party was the last straw. Meg had been complaining about her cash being missing from her wallet for the first few times we thought she must have misplaced it but then more things started to go missing. My roommate lost some cash, a watch that we gifted to her along with a very expensive perfume. One day I realized the book I got from my date was missing, there were other things, the keychain gifted to me by Ken, and one more Keychain that was shaped like Luna Lovegood's wand. I told Meg and she told me about her missing cash and some other cosmetics. We complained about it to the Hostel warden, and she checked our cupboards and found all of these things in Sally's cupboard hidden under her clothes, except for the cash. She stole from us.
She started to make all sorts of excuses and blamed us for bullying her but it was of no use she was caught red-handed. She moved to another room with one of her other friends. Within the hour of this happening Ken blocked me on all the social media platforms. He avoided me altogether. He would change his path if he saw me coming. It was heartbreaking but at this point, I was pretty much done with all the drama and decided to focus on my final exams. I decided to go back home as soon as I was done with my exams and wait to get into the master's program. Even on my last day on campus, I waited to see if Ken would come to bid me goodbye but to no avail. He never showed up. I thought we would never speak again and was okay with it.
Two months ago, I received a call from him, I did not recognize the number as I deleted his number. I did recognize the voice though. He greeted me like everything was normal and then proceeded with a half-hearted apology mixed with blaming me for abandoning him, bullying his girlfriend, and accusing her of stealing. I explained to him that I neither bullied her nor accused her of anything. She was caught red-handed. He changed the topic and requested me to unblock him. I thought he genuinely wanted to reconcile and unblocked him, but I was not too keen on trusting him this time. It went on well for a while. But then a couple of days back I got a call from him, he was ranting about how Sally was not sure about their future and went on a date with a guy on Tinder. I sympathized with him and let him rant for a while then I ended the call as my shift was about to start. The next day he called me again and told me he and Sally were back together and then went on about how Sally was not happy with him telling me about their relationship and started bitching about Meg, my best friend, and proceeded to tell me how she was a bad friend, and she poisoned our friendship and how she and her boyfriend talked shit about me behind my back. This was my last straw I told him I would not hear anything about my best friend and how my friendship with her was very strong as we had been real friends to each other, unlike him who was shallow and selfish and had no backbone. I told him never to call me again even when his shitty gf cheated on him again. He tried to defend himself, but I told him I was done with him, and I ended the call and blocked him from everywhere.
So, AITA for blocking my guy best friend when he tried to reconcile with me?
​

Throwaway account.
Read through before anyone says "YTA for telling your mother to pound sand."
So I (41m) am getting married to Alex (32f) who is what you might call a "dream woman." She is everything I want in a woman: beautiful, smart, kind, likes many of the interests that I have. She even took an interest in the same music as me, which is amazing all in itself. We both work in the tech sector, and met through the dating section of a certain social media site. I hit "like" fully thinking "No girl is too beautiful for any man," she messaged me back, we exchanged info, met for the first time and that was that. Less than a year later I proposed and she said yes. :)
One important detail is that shortly before we met, I was the lucky recipient of a rather large financial uplift (That's all I am willing to share). I decided to still work at my job as it's a great gig and the money is good, plus I get along well with everyone. I was able to buy my own home free and clear plus get a nice new daily driver and a weekend ride. Alex knows my financial situation and has never asked for a dime of my money. Being she is my partner, I have helped her out, the most recent being paying off her student loans (That was a benefit to me as well, because when we get married her debt becomes our debt and I didn't want it to affect my credit). Before this, we were invited to a charity gala by her uncle and she went dress shopping. She fell in love with one but nearly cried when she saw the price. I insisted on paying for the difference because she looked way too pretty in it to pass up.
Fast forward to now. It's a month before the wedding and I get delivered a large envelope, with "from mom" on it. Now back when I bought my house, I paid off the remainder of my parent's mortgage and they decided to stay where they were, which I was fine with. I opened up the envelope, saw the word "prenup" and immediately froze. I am against prenups because I think they're for narcissistic hollywood types that cannot handle a partnership. So I called my mother and asked "what the hell?" She apparently had the son of a friend who is a lawyer draw up a prenup. Well since I don't understand legalese I didn't even open it.... I let a friend who is also a lawyer look at it.
Basically, this prenup was written with my uplift taken into consideration and totally screw Alex if we were to divorce. The house would belong to me, the cars would belong to me and any wealth split would be based on the income difference when we first met, which would mean I would get 80% and she would get 20%, if that. But there was also a clause in it about pregnancy and childbirth. Now Alex is what she calls "personally pro life but not pro-suffering," meaning she would never terminate a healthy pregnancy herself, but if something happens where her health is threatened or the fetus tests positive for a disability that will affect its quality of life, she will terminate (She is personally against the abortion bans, if you must know). This prenup basically stated "any pregnancy that threatens the health of Alex and/or tests positive for a quality of life altering disability must be terminated." It also had a infidelity clause that would reduce Alex's share to zero. Yes, you read that correctly.
Needless to say, I was pissed. I drove over to my parent's house and I demanded an answer from mom as to why she would have such a shitty prenup drawn up, even if I was willing to sign in. She then let loose with apparently everything she wanted to say since me and Alex first started dating:
It's all lust on my side and I am using Alex's flat tummy, hourglass figure, pretty face and big tits (her words) to prop up everything else about her. It's all money on Alex's side because apparently women that look like her don't go out with guys that look like me unless they have a ton of money. Apparently, it's because I am not muscular (I go to the gym but to stay healthy, finely tuned muscles are not on my priority list) and have short hair with a bald spot. When I said that Alex is not a gold digger and has never once asked for a dime of my money and she makes her own, mom said "Of course she doesn't have to ask, you bail her out of everything anyway." I asked her about the pregnancy clause and she said, "Alex says that she would terminate a downs syndrome pregnancy but I don't believe her. A friend of mine has a mentally challenged grandson and it's hell. I don't want you to be stuck with a retard." (Sorry for using that word, but that's what she said) Mom finished by saying that if Alex refuses to sign the prenup, she is a gold digger and if she does she is genuinely in love with me.
I finished by saying I am not signing it and it's going in one place: The paper shredder. I go to it and shred it. I tell mom we love each other and we are *not* signing a prenup, end of story. Mom says, "Hope her letting you fondle those D cups is worth it when she leaves you for a Brad Pitt clone and takes all your money." That's when I tell her to go pound sand and she just killed her chance of being invited to the wedding.
Since then, people on mom's side of the family have called and texted me to tell me that I was way too harsh to my mother and she was only looking out for me. But I don't think I am. AITAH here?

So for a bit of context my wife (40) and I (43) along with our 2 kids (f12, m3) moved into my mother's basement and one of the upstairs bedrooms 6 months ago. She is 80 and had been asking us to live with her for several years as her house is too big (3 bedrooms and a developed basement) to manage by herself and she's always enjoyed our company whenever we've visited for holidays and birthdays.
For context my mother was divorced from my dad. She took the savings (without his consent) and left him the house under the condition that he couldn't sell it and it should go to the 3 children (myself and my 2 siblings) after he passed on. 10 years after the divorce my dad had suffered several strokes and wasn't doing great. My siblings and I agreed to sell his house and give my mother the money to buy a bigger place so she could take him in and take care of him. She sold her condo and put her own money in too. After another 6 years or so he became too much for her to take care of and he went into a home for the rest of his days. My mother kept the house and had always considered it hers.
Fast forward to us moving in at her request. The 2 deciding factors for us was we needed more space and we could help her out and look after her and the house in her old age. My siblings were also fine with this arrangement as it meant we could all hang out regularly. We moved into the basement and I proceeded to put in 30k worth of renovations to improve our living conditions down there. We pay my mum rent although it's below market rate and I give extra if any of the bills become to high.
My wife is very particular about cleanliness and spends a lot of time cleaning the house. This includes the kitchen and all the bathrooms on the main floor as well as the the bathroom my daughter uses and the 2 bedrooms upstairs that my mum doesn't use. One of them was intended for our 3 year old but he never uses it, so he just keeps some toys there in a box. My wife makes sure it's always tidy and everything is vacuumed.
My mother however is not happy with just about everything we've done since we've been here. She's complained about us bringing our stuff in the house. Complained about moving her stuff to make room. She wants to know everything in the kitchen we're adding and everything we want to move of hers. We've tried to accommodate but it's been a struggle. She shows no appreciation of my wife's cleaning and had actually treated her as more of a maid, complaining about small things like putting creased hand towels in one of the bathrooms or telling her she should fill the dishwasher properly before putting it on (it was her that told my wife to start the dishwasher). She also expects us to do things she wants without actually telling us she wants them done. When we tell her she should let us know she refuses and says we should already know without her telling us.
Since then we keep to ourselves in the basement as much as possible but coming up to cook. Things have been going fairly well and everyone is pleasant again but we don't go out of our way to see her.
Today she was in a bad mood and complained the upstairs bedroom is a pig sty. This upset my wife as the room is actually spotless. The bed is made, floor is vacuumed, all toys are neatly in a box... there's literally nothing out of place. My mother said there should be a side table in there with a lamp and because there isn't it's a pig sty. She's expecting guests in a few weeks so I guess this was her way of telling us what she wants done to the room.
The final straw today was when she complained that there's pork in the fridge and she doesn't want pork in her house (she's Muslim). I told her that while we'll put the pork items in our tiny fridge in the basement, we'll eat what we want and she doesn't get to dictate that. She can choose not to eat pork and we choose to eat it. Well as you can imagine she flipped out. She won't have pork in her fridge! I pointed out I paid half for the new fridge. Then she said if you want to eat pork you can leave. Now we uprooted our whole life because she asked us to move in. Today the story became we asked her to move in and she allowed us to. Now we're not respecting her rules in her house. I said it's not your house, half was paid for using money that belonged to me and my siblings and we won't be moving but we'll say downstairs as much as possible. She said then you'll hear from my lawyer. I said fine once you get a court order to evict us you'll never see us again but until then we're staying. Heated words were exchanged and now we're all ignoring each other. Are my wife and I the AHs?

Hi folks,
I am a 30 yo first time buyer here in the uk. I and my girlfriend make approx 120k anually and we want to get a mortgage and buy a flat in Stratford (E15) in London. We currently pay 2300 for rent in east village london.
I have found a good flat/ new build with a price of 600k for 75 sq.m. directly from the developer which has 2 beds; 2 bads; large balcony and nice kitchen and living area.
I found a mortgage adviser who gave me a deal for 30 years at 4.6% . Property Value: £600,000.00 New Mortgage: £508,000.00 Deposit: £92,000.00 Repayment Type: Repayment. Term: 30 Year Term.
Questions for you: 1. Do you consider this as a good opportunity to buy a flat and live in it? ( monthly mortgage payments will be around 2500, which is just slightly more than I currently pay)

1. Could i eve possibly sell this flat for example in 10 year time and make a profit? Or it will never be worth it because I have to pay so much money back to the bank?
   
2. If I can afford paying that mortgage fully in 10-15 years how can i calculate how much money I would be paying in the end? ( assuming the current mortgage rate)?
   
3. What tips would give me for choosing my mortgage?
   
4. Are you aware of any powerful mortgage calculator which i could use for making simulation? I would like to simulate how much money will i pay back if i pay it back in 10/15/20/25 years ( assuming the current rate)
   

I would really appreciate some advice ! Thanks a lot.
C

YSK: Do not buy a car from a mom and pop used car lot, without having a professional perform an inspection first.
Why YSK: First off, my experience is in Ca and it’s entirely possible things work differently elsewhere. I worked for a Lexus dealer for over 9 years and this is what I learned about used cars. First of all, a certified pre-owned car is typically the best value for your money, they’ve been fully inspected and come with a warranty so it’s in the dealership best interest to sell a decent car. Most manufacturers have some sort of certified program, when you’re purchasing a used Lexus from Lexus, or Audi from Audi etc. What this YSK is about is buying off brand from a dealer ie an Audi from a Lexus dealer, or more specifically from Ted’s Dream Machines Used Car Lot ^TM These off brand cars come from a couple sources, trade-ins or more commonly auctions. They will not have a warranty, but of course you will be offered and expensive 3rd party warranty should you want one. A dealership buyer and Ted do not share the same auction privileges, or buying power so here’s where you wan to avoid Ted. The dealers get first crack at the cars at auction. They inspect first and will snap up all the A, B, and C rated vehicles before Ted gets his shot at them. So Ted is left with the leftover Cs and Ds to choose from. These are the cars with mechanical issues and previous body work including major repairs. So that 2019 Ford Explorer at the Chevy dealer is probably a safer bet than the 2021 at Ted’s. At the very least, have a mechanic you trust take a look at it first. We know how to spot body work from accidents and can pick up on issues in the engine, drivetrain, and suspension generally on a relatively short test drive. Also, we know how to drive a car to induce a check engine light, which Ted may have sneakily cleared earlier that day. Also, Carfax is a scam, it can’t be trusted. A clear carfax just means the body shop and or owner didn’t report the repair. It’s incredibly common. This post was inspired by the post I just saw, poor guy bought an 09 mini cooper drove it for 20 minutes and now needs an engine. Don’t be that guy. TL;DR don’t buy a used car without having a mechanic check it first.

1. The housing crisis: housing at this school truly is a lottery. If you submit everything on time for freshman year, it is pretty much guaranteed that you will get housing but no one likes to use that word here. After your first year, housing is a scramble. On-campus housing is definitely not guaranteed so you need to apply for apartments at the same time if you want to live on campus (in case you aren’t offered it). Apartments are also difficult to get, so most people start looking and applying around NovembeDecember.
   
2. You don’t need to bring your car. Unless you have a job somewhere farther off campus, it is super easy to get by without a car. Parking on campus can also cost $500-700 per year. Everything within Isla Vista is walkable/bikeable, and there are a lot of buses that go from campus to downtown SB and marketplaces. The bus is free for UCSB students. If you are worried about visiting/going home, there is an Amtrak train 10 minutes from campus that going south all the way to San Diego, and buses that go to SLO. The SB airport is also 6 minutes from campus.
   
3. Lectures and discussion sections: if you are a new student, registration might sound confusing. For me, it was. Lectures are basically the allotted classes that you attend and take notes in (you cannot choose the time you want, unless there are multiple options). For Discussion sections, there are usually 5 or 6 different times you can choose from, depending on the size of the class. These are usually an hour long and once a week. Contrary to popular belief, they are NOT optional unless your TA says so. Attendance at lecture and discussions are usually pretty strict, and a lot of professors incorporate attendance into your grade for the class.
   
4. Party scene: usually there are parties happening every weekend, but you don’t always have to go. If you feel like you want to go to UCSB but aren’t interested in the party scene, it is still very easy to make friends who don’t party and don’t pressure you to. If you do want to party, it would be helpful to have a friend in greek life who can get you into more parties, because most of them require wristbands.
   
5. Your bike will get stolen. It is a right of passage for it to happen, and this problem is ever-increasing. People will cut your lock, take your wheels, take the basket, seat, etc. So if you rely on a bike, DO NOT take an expensive one.
   
6. Food is expensive!!!
   

First post: https://www.reddit.com/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cd8ltl/
Thanks to everyone who left comments and advice on my first post. It gave me a lot to think about and strengthened my resolve that we could not continue this way. Many folks suggested the first step would be to have a more serious, sit-down discussion rather than getting into an argument before bed. My wife and I were speaking again by Friday evening, and I suggested we let her parents take the kids to the zoo on Saturday and get breakfast at one of our favorite places.
At breakfast, I took many folks’ advice and apologized for refusing to help her up on Thursday, while also emphasizing my belief that she needs to see a doctor and make some changes. She was resistant to this idea and felt they would just lecture her about her weight. She said she knew she’d gained weight and had been making changes in the prior weeks. I didn’t buy this, so to prove my point, when we got home I asked her to list out everything she ate Friday. She had eaten two bowls of cereal for breakfast, got an Iced Mocha from Starbucks while dropping the kids off, had ate leftover hummus and pita chips for lunch, had almonds and Cheez-its for an afternoon snack, broccoli, pasta and Italian sausage for dinner, and strawberries and some of our daughter's Teddy Grahams after dinner. The total was 2615 calories.
That's a lot, right? Except she had lied. I had checked our banking app on Friday and inadvertently saw a purchase at Chick-Fil-A, which she didn’t mention. I confronted her with this, and she admitted she went before picking up our daughter. I put in her order, (spicy sandwich, fries, 4-count strips, sweet tea, and several dipping sauces) and it brought the total to 4559 calories. To be clear, this wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary day for her, she eats like this all the time. Neither of us have ever really counted calories, so I think seeing the number was a big eye opener.
This was upsetting for me and for her, not only because it was more than twice as much as what an average person eats in a day, but also because she was embarrassed that I caught her lying. I then showed her our weekly charges for Uber eats/ restaurants. We kept talking and she admitted that she felt cooped up at home and that being a stay-at-home mom made her feel stressed. She never really adjusted after losing her job in 2020, and we both think her getting back out into the world would be a good thing. I have been partly at fault here: she said she has been reluctant to travel recently because of how anxious I got about COVID during the height of the pandemic.
The conversation went pretty well though. I emphasized how much I love her, and that this would be something we fight together, and that she is not flawed or at fault. I eventually convinced her she needs to see a doctor and a therapist to help her along this journey.
The doctor part was easier. I had already talked to my GP’s office Friday—there were no annual exams open until July, but they said if it was for the hip problem we could come in for a same-day appointment Monday. I took the morning off from work, we dropped our kids off and went to the appointment together. She was very nervous about weighing herself, so I offered to get on the scale first to ease her fears. I’m 227 lbs., which makes my BMI 25.6, so I also have some weight to lose!
Her weight was a lot higher than we expected. (Her BMI is almost three times mine.) She was quite scared by the number. She cried and we hugged while we waited for the doctor. Her blood pressure was 131/75, so slightly elevated but not terrible yet. The doctor suggested a firmer mattress would help her hip pain, but he feels her weight gain has caused the problem, so he talked to us about tirzepatide. Once we check with insurance/ possibly see an endocrinologist she will start taking Zepbound.
The doctor also ordered bloodwork, which we were able to do at their lab onsite. They had trouble finding a vein, which was embarrassing, but her CMP came back normal this afternoon. Her glucose was 101, but the doctor said it might be misleading since she wasn’t fasting. They’ll test again in a couple of weeks. Overall, he said she’s lucky to be young and healthy enough to fix this.
Overall, I think this went well. She’s finally on board with weight-loss drugs after seeing how heavy she’s gotten. We’re going to find a therapist, she’s going to start looking for a job, and we’re planning a real family vacation this summer. We've also set aside some time later this week to look for a new mattress and bed frame that is firmer and less low to the ground. I'm particularly excited for this, as I've always struggled with back pain. This will be a journey for both of us, in more ways than one: I need to lose about fifteen pounds as well, so we're starting our diet together. We've both been looking up healthy recipes, and I'm going to take a more active role in helping in the kitchen starting this week.
For the people who suggested modifying our car seat/ steering wheel, we are both pretty tall so the seat is already far back, but I have moved the steering wheel up to accommodate her.
Thanks again to everyone who commented.

24M just recently started a new job where I 2.5xed my previous pay. Used to make $1000 a week after taxes, now make about $2600 a week after taxes. It feels amazing to be making so much more money and is kind of surreal as it puts me around 150k gross income.
But I gotta say… damn it is hard to resist the lifestyle creep. Part of me wants so badly to buy a big ass house and buy a sports car but I know that’s not a good idea and will greatly impact my FIRE goals. In a way I feel like I have “made it” as I am now pretty much maxed out earnings wise in my career field especially at such a young age.
I just don’t have anyone to share this with irl and I want to let everyone here know that it may seem dumb from an outsiders perspective when we see people fall for lifestyle creep but it can be very tempting and sneak up on you irl.
So far I have only spend an extra $60 per week on a meal delivery service subscription to save time and energy, so far it’s worth it.
How do you guys cope with the urge to want to make huge cool purchases just because you can? Obviously I’m not going to though.

Long time lurker, first time poster. This happened a number of years ago and this is the perfect place for my Boomer story.
I took a study abroad trip to various European countries in college. Our last stop was in Amsterdam and our group went around to all the touristy areas during the day. At the end of the day we got on the streetcar to take us back to our hotel.
It was around 5 (so rush hour time) and there were a lot of people getting on and off at each stop. The streetcar was so full that everyone was standing and packed like sardines. Not that big of a deal to us, just part of riding the streetcar through a busy area at a busy time.
As we get to the biggest stop, there is this little old lady yelling at us and the rest of the bus in Dutch, waving her hands around and pointing. The bus driver is yelling at her back in Dutch and waving his hands in the air also. This goes on for several minutes and our group has no idea what’s going on or being said. The old lady finally gets off a few stops later, still yelling and pointing at all us and waving her hands everywhere. At this point the bus was less crowded so I made my way up front and asked the driver what was going on.
He apologized and said the old lady was being very rude to our group. Apparently she was frustrated how the bus was full of Americans. She was saying how she lived here her whole life and pays taxes that operate the street car and how she should have a guaranteed seat when she gets on. The old hag was also saying how Americans should have to give up their seats for residents like her or should be made to sit in the back of the bus. The bus driver was defending us saying we were just as welcome as she is.
Never thought I’d experience some civil rights shit on a trip abroad, but it just shows that Boomers gonna Boom no matter where you are.

Morgan, and THT fam, no one else has offered any advice. So I’m finally posting here. Please be kind. It’s a lot going on right now. I’m looking for constructive advice.
I posted this initially in Infidelity subs because that’s what this ended up starting as.
Here’s some info for the shorthand: WS(Wayward spouse - the person leaving or cheating)
AP(Affair Partner)
Just really looking for outside perspective. Now to the story.
I’m really unsure how to move forward.
My WS, B(f41) and I(m36) are currently taking it day by day. Know each other for 14 years, together and dating for 9, 8 years married. 12 years since we had our first kid.
Some back story, obviously there were issues in the marriage. Some I thought I was working on or making progress on. Others I was stagnant on.
We had 1 separation prior to this. It was the culmination of trying to have an open marriage and B falling for her partner, and me being me.
We got back together about a year and a half later, and have been together since(2021).
I thought we were moving forward until an ex gf of hers came back into her life. The ex turns into the AP.
So now I’m 2024 I think we’re doing okay. Rocky in some areas but okay. I was wrong. AP texted B in early Feb saying AP’s sister had died, someone who B had once been close too. AP and B would go out and I would be irritated or annoyed because AP also has a partner. I didn’t understand why APs partner couldn’t support her, why it needed to be my wife, when she’s(AP) an ex. It just made me uncomfortable and I let that boil over and accused her of stuff. She says nothing happened before 3/24 but I’ve found things that contradict that. That she may have actually cheated before they slept together after she asked to leave.
Long story short, APs sister had died but they were also talking about getting back together and how horrible and controlling I am etc. while also being physical. Kissing. Staying out late. Sexting. With AP and trying to tell me nothing was going on.
Now I won’t deny and say I haven’t been a shitty husband. I have been. Even currently up to Feb, I was slacking. I was okay pretending I was making an effort. Doing 1 small step to her 10.
Likewise I was dismissive over the years and never really “heard her” until this whole situation happened.
So they start hanging out more and more and suddenly she wants a divorce and wants to go out with AP every other day. Planning a life. Looking at apartments. Etc.
There’s a few things wrong with this: AP has openly stated she doesn’t like kids. We have 3. AP has openly stated she doesn’t like most pets. We have several. AP is a drug addict. Her drug of choice are narcotics, Vicodin and Oxy. She says it’s for her chronic pain on which, her prescription of Tramadol does nothing. So she “supplements” by buying illegally (supposedly only from family friend).
Anyways, 3/29 I found a photo of the drug use(a text from AP to B that was a tin of pills. There were 8/9 Vicodin and 3 Oxycodone), sent to B, saying she has one to give her too. B is a recovering addict. 13 years clean. Almost accepted. Said “You’re so good to me.”
B and AP try to play off the drug use as pain and pain management clinics not being helpful. Which I can’t speak to. I don’t have chronic pain. So I spoke with Law Enforcement, showed them what I was worried about and asked about an Order for Protection/Investigation. I did this before confronting her or before asking her about it. I wanted to be sure that if things went sideways I had a plan in place to protect myself. So I couldn’t be blamed for the drug use. Etc.
Confront her. Ask her. She flies off the handle and turns it around on me. Saying that it’s my fault and that I went through her iPad. (She changed her passcode well before this so I don’t have it. She left it unlocked and it was one of the first messages I saw that evening.) and that I should’ve come to her first.
Fast forward and we’re planning the divorce (income split, kind of an idea what we need to do moving forward, etc) and I’m saying that because of what I found, I’m not willing to let AP be around the kids until she can pass a UA and is sober for at least a year. I’d like that in the divorce decree. At this point we had been working together and I hadn’t moved on the OFP. I had been transparent.
Which leads us to the issue. She wasn’t. She was telling AP basically that we’d be divorced and she’d be good. Once I told B, that this was going to happen, either through the courts or through us agreeing on something, but it wasn’t something I was going to move on.
She said I was threatening her and forcing her to do what I say. I said only in this regard. Move. Leave. Here’s a list of items you’ll have to pay for, Etc. but I’m trying to keep my kids safe, and that means not being around someone currently abusing narcotics.
Then she says I shouldn’t worry about the kids because she’s their mom and she’ll take care of them. And that I’m an asshole for even suggesting she would jeopardize them.
She called the cops. Told them I was controlling and threatening and intimidating. They came. I showed them everything I had, told them my concerns, expressed what I said to her. They said it seemed like I was doing everything right. Tho they advised I file the OFP and turn over names and dates etc.
They told B, at the end, that because of her job and the kids that she “needed to stop fucking around with this shit.”
Well I guess that may have struck something in her because she said she’s done with AP. Tho she has still been talking to AP, AP found out what happened and has been going pretty low contact. Often leaving B on read. I know this because B has shown me their messages because she wants me to know I can trust her. Including through today.
She admitted the night the cops came that she had actively been lying to me. That she had orchestrated a text message convo to look like I was going to be getting what I wanted (something previously both she and AP had been against, a drug test).
So she admitted to lying about that. To deleting shit. To gas lighting me. This isn’t something she’s ever done before. Admitted to lying to me. Even when she’s been caught mid-lie. It’s always been dismissed or played off. This is the first time she’s actually been honest with me. And since then she and AP have had low contact.
She’s told me she doesn’t know now if we’re separated or going to divorce. That she wants to take it day by day. She says that if in the coming months, the changes I’m making to myself stick, and things get better, that she may stay. I’m unsure how to feel about this. We have 3 kids. I love her more than anything. But? I don’t think she would be so cold that she’d use me until she and her AP could be together.
On that note. She and AP are talking still, but everything has been platonic. She’s shown me her messages and I know she hasn’t deleted anything. We even spoke today and she admitted that sometimes she slips up and says “I love you” or whatever. But that’s because of how quickly she let her walls down. Let AP back into her life. That hurts. You know. Because I feel even now taking it day by day, I’m not being chosen. I’m an option. Yet the fact she’s still here, being engaged, etc. It can’t be an act right? I mean it could but I don’t imagine she would with how serious I am about the kids and having things documented.
I’m in therapy now. I’m on new meds for my anxiety. I’m seeing another Dr. to hopefully get a diagnosis of ASD or something so I can learn to interact more appropriately with her and my peers. I’m listening to her. Actively. Keeping in mind that words are not always words and I should look at the context and possible emotional context in the words. That’s been difficult but I’m learning that sometimes when she says that she’s broken, it’s because she wants a hug or physical comfort. I shouldn’t need to ask if she wants one or what I can do to comfort her. I am trying to listen more and act versus asking questions and then acting on the answers.
She felt she was always needing to tell me what to do or say. it’s been a sticking point in our marriage at times. Even though I am truly unsure at times what the appropriate course of action is. Hence being in therapy now.
We’ve slept together 3 times this month. Which is crazy because before it was once every few months. If at all. I think that’s a good sign?
I’m trying to help more around the house. Did a deep clean and threw a bunch of shit away. I’m committed to this change. To being better for her but also for me.
But I also don’t know if she’s doing this just to appease me. She’s said thank you. She’s slept with me. She’s more talkative and engaged with me. More fun like we used to have. But on the flip side she had no where else to go. No backup plan. She just started working FT but she doesn’t think she’ll be able to afford anything on her own.
I’m not sure where I stand. Or if I should take it day by day. I know I say I want to be with her and I think, I know that’s true. Even if I don’t want to admit I may lose her, act like I’m okay taking it day by day, the thought of her not being in my life as my partner, is terrifying and sad. So I know, if she asks to reconcile, I will. Because I love her. Because I know that while I’m not responsible for her cheating or lying etc, I’m responsible for the way I behaved and acted.
Idk if we can’t survive this. I love her more than anything. Even now I love her. I don’t want to lose her. Still I don’t think I should have to be a choice. I understand how it came about, and I understand she was or maybe is even now, ready to walk, and I’m just being delusional.
Yet she’s trying. Or appears to be. (This is what’s so hard for me).
I guess on paper it looks like we should divorce. My mother says so. My therapist says I should consider it.
Yet it seems like there may be something here worth trying for. The things I’m doing around the home and for the kids seem to make her happier. To see I’m trying to be consistent. She says it’s helped taken the pressure off her. That in our talks she’s happy I finally acknowledged things. Apologized for things. Actually listened and agreed with her. She’s appreciated that.
My therapist says whatever I do I should do for me. My counter was a lot of the stuff we’re doing now (splitting income by % earned, me actively cleaning every night with her, laundry, etc) is not something I’ve done or we’ve done before. Nor have I made any moves on therapy until recently, or to control my MH more.
So if I/we try this and still fail? Sure. It’s doomed, but at least I can say I took all the steps I, me, the Betrayed, to fix myself for myself but also for my marriage and my family. But this seems like it’ll have a shot. Like it could work. If you’ve made it this far thank you. ANY advice would be welcome.
It’s a fluffin’ mess. I know that. But any advice. Thanks.
~Ish