A lot of this stuff may have already been covered but I just want to give my two cents.

1) We need female ai and player enemies. To be honest I didn’t check the character creator enough to verify, but all I ever see is dudes on the game. I would really enjoy having a ‘cartel muscle mommy’ as a n enemy boss.

Good now I have your attention…

2) The AI are super broken. We all know it. The aimbot hip fire kills across a zone of interest are starting to get on my nerve. Like I get 5 seconds of continuous arm stamina to pull off maybe one or two headshots on stationary AI while I’m stationary, and the ai is just like, ‘React, Spin, Hipfire Kill.’ And it seems like it’s only gotten worse since ai reach level 29.

3) The suppressors have to actually do something for the ai for me to use them. From what I can tell, the ai is aggravated regardless of the use of suppressors. The ai should become suspicious, not immediately activated by the sound of the suppressor unless they were hit or they were in direct eye line of another enemy ai. The ai should aggro even more if they find a body. At this point the only thing the suppressors do is alert enemy players that I am in the area. I know because that’s what I do against the enemies.

4) LZ camping. Easy fixes include random placements within a certain area with smoke discharge from helicopter.

5) Fratricide. My proposed fix is after two instances of friendly fire (does not have to result in kill could just injure, i.e. if a total of 200 friendly HP damage - assume each player has a total of 100HP is dealt within a single life) the player is now marked as AWOL. A bounty is placed on the AWOL allowing all friendlies to hunt. At the same time a group of guard AI from the base get into a helicopter and fly to the nearest LZ to eliminate the AWOL. The guards are killable and only one helicopter of guard AI will be sent out.

6) Base Raids. They should be more fun and flushed out. There should be an ability to initiate an official raid on an enemy base after having trekked from a preexisting LZ. When the raid is initiated (either by flare, task, timed event, etc) two friendly LZs should spawn in proximity to either the enemy starting town or base. These LZs will remain active for the use of 3 to 5 reinforcement helicopters each and one exfil chopper from each of the newly spawned LZs.

7) General bug fixed and optimization. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been killed by an ai that’s stuff in a wall, floor, or ceiling and can shoot through it.

8) Gear FeaEconomy/Loot Pool. It’s too easy to get gear. Maybe that’ll change with the introduction of new lootable items and gear. I don’t think I’ve dipped below 200k since level 7.

9) AI health and seeming invincibility. Maybe it’s a server issue, but holy cow… you dump a full 60rd M855A1 into an unarmored skinny and they’ll still spin around and one tap you. That NEEDS TO BE FIXED.

10) Faction ID. We need to be able to better distinguish teammates. Optional armbands would be a start. Also dog tags would be awesome for tasks or collection.

11) More task variety. I’m level 29 (~100hrs) and I still haven’t gotten any specifically PVP missions.

12) Stamina. Give me some way to improve my stamina without having to take the in game drugs

13) Helicopter Speed/redirection. The meta is already to switch servers if waiting for a pick up takes just as long as finding a new server. Speed it the heck up or give more chopper. Also give us the option to redirect the helicopter when on the helicopter. Also to see where a chopper is heading to prior to it landing at base camp.

14) Coma. Allow me to activate a beacon friendly visible within 250m so that as a solo I don’t always waste my Coma state.

15) Logs, Roots, twigs & pebbles, need a rework so that I’m not getting caught on every single thing while walking in the forests .

These are the things that irk me right now. Feel free to add in the comments.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Remarkable_Treat_636. He posted in AmItheAsshole
Trigger Warnings: miscarriage; depression; addiction
Mood Spoiler: tentatively hopeful ending?
Original Post: May 6, 2024
I (20m) and my sister (23) have been very close since she lost her baby. She lost the baby at the end of 2022, when she was about 5 months pregnant. Obviously our whole family was shocked and very supportive initially. However I really tried to help her through this and get her back on her feet. Coming to her apartment to clean, and cook her food. It also doesn’t help that her baby daddy left shortly after. My sister was unable to work because of her depression, so my family would help chip in and pay her bills. She remained like this for about 7 months when my parents told her that they couldn’t no longer support her, when all she does is lay in bed (and smoke a lot, like 24/7, but they don’t know that), and that she at least needs to look for a job. She lashed out and said she needs their support now more than ever. Regardless of them, I began to solely supporting her. Mind you I still live with my parents and attending school.
That brings us to last Friday, I have about 3 semesters left of school and money has been getting tight. I told my sister that I really need to start saving, and that she needs to get a job, or just move back in. She lashed out on me, saying that I could never understand (100% true) and that I was a terrible brother for even mentioning it. I said excuse me? I’ve paying for your bills for over a year, and have been the only one trying to help her get over this. She began yelling at me and calling me terrible names. I just snapped and said idgaf about her dead baby. I did none of this for that baby. I helped her because I love my sister, I want what’s best for my sister, I want her to recover. I told her this and just she started attacking me. I just left.
The next morning my parents sat me down, and told me what I said was very wrong and rude. I explained what happened and how I still continued paying her bills after they stopped. They just were quiet, and then just left. My mother grabbed my shoulder and told me that my sister started apply for jobs.
I really feel bad, but also to a certain degree it worked and she is at least looking to work. I know my sister will forgive me eventually but I still feel bad. AITA?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: You shouldn't have said you don't care about the baby... but. But she was clearly in a hole she had no intention of climbing out of, and sometimes the only way to help people like that is to toss in a stick of dynamite and blast them out, which is precisely what you did. The question is how much did it help, and I have a feeling the answer is "not a whole lot".
ESH, especially your parents for essentially letting your sister vegetate in a pot of grief rather than get her into some kind of counseling or therapy.

OOP: Yk you bring up an off topic point. She has been in therapy since shortly after losing her baby. So I’m wondering why the therapy has had no progress and how is her therapist just fine with her like this, without offering additional help. Idk sorry
OOP clarifies in a different comment: Btw I have paid for my sister therapy (off and on) since she lost the baby. And solely after my parents cut her finically

Commenter (downvoted): Are you a child? You have to be if you think therapy is a cure all. Many folks spend the rest of their lives dealing with problems in therapy.

OOP: No, personally I don’t think therapy is for everyone. But it’s annoying thinking how I paid for her appointments to see no progress.

Commenter: Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.

OOP: Yeah but when you pay for it for a little less than a year, you’d want to see some progress. Idk I’m not mad at her, rather the waste of money I used on therapy. Regardless I’ll see her tonight and I’ll ask if she feels any improvement from the therapy

Deleted Commenter: Even if there is 1% improvement, it should be worth it. Something like this can take months or years of forever. YTA for expecting grief to be 'fixed' with your set time limit and talking about 'wasting money' when you claim you spend money out of love. You also probably ruined her progress of getting better by what you said to her.While I get that it's frustrating on your end financially, there are better ways to express that. Perhaps you might need therapy as well.

OOP: I think my tone was off. Honestly idc about the therapy or even paying for it. In my mind I rationalized the price of the therapy for the improvement of my sister. But when you see that price it just looks terrible when you don’t see improvement in over a year. I’m not mad at her or the therapist, just aggravated yk?

Commenter: I’m going to be the odd ball and say yes AH, with that being said I totally get why you snapped but as someone that has miscarried before it was the most painful thing I had ever gone through.

OOP: Hey don’t feel odd or outcast of your opinion. All the comments benefit me and help reflect.

OOP ends with:
My sister going to come for dinner, where we will fs talk about what happened. If you guys are interested in an update lmk.
OOP is voted ESH- everyone sucks here
Update Comment: May 7, 2024 (Next Day)
UPDATE
I am very thankful for all the women who shared their experiences and gave me an insight on how my sister is feeling that I would’ve never been able to have. For that I am extremely grateful.
My sister came over for dinner, we didn’t make much contact in the beginning. Our parents didn’t try to make us talk nor bring up our last argument. Dinner was very awkward with very little conversation. We finished eating and my parents left to clean the mess. Which left me and my sister, we made some small talk when I just offered to go outside to talk.
Once we were outside I immediately apologized for what I said, but she cut me off before I could finish. She said she was thankful for me and everything I have done for her. We continued to talk till it was late. She brought up how she applied for 3 jobs in our area. We ended our conversation talking about how stuff happens and sometimes you can only do anything besides pick yourself and move forward , and try not to look back. She hugged me, (no tears) said thanks and left.
I will still continue to pay her bills till she gets back on her feet. The bad blood seems to be gone. At this point I’m not sure if regret what I said, but the damage doesn’t seem impactful. I appreciate all the people who commented.

Hi guys! It's my first time posting in this subreddit and i genuinely need some validation and advice on what I should do.
I currently go to college and live with 3 other roommates: My boyfriend, Kevin and Tom (I used other names for privacy). Kevin and Tom share a room together (remember this). Tom have always been a disturbing individual to all of us. In October, he started screaming, cursing saying things like, "I fucking hate this place", "I'm gonna fucking kill them" and kicked the garbages and slammed the kitchen cabinets and doors, broke the fridge and microwave. Nobody provoked him. I was in my room, my boyfriend was out with his friends, Kevin was gaming. Kevin asked him what was wrong, but Tom didnt reply and just went on with his tantrums
Another incident happened in December where he came home drunk at 3AM, started talking to himself and was puking all over the bathroom, screaming and crying in their room. He was whispering under his breath that he was going to kill "them" and everybody. He said he was going to fuck "them" up. He was facing the wall and rocking himself back and forth on the bed. I could swear he was on some hard drugs because he was also leaning over as if he was using heroin or meth. He was constantly whispering and rocking himself til 5-6AM. Kevin recorded what happened and him screaming. He was really scared and concerned for Tom.
According to Kevin, Tom does not shower nor do the laundry. We also know this because whenever we see him in the living room, the entire living room smells of him. He wears the same clothes everyday with the same stains. Tom's bed is literally stained brown, gray and yellow. He does not wash his sheets and his clothes are all over the floor with alcohol bottles. He does not clean after himself after he uses our things (pans, dishes, supplies).
Tom frequently smokes marijuana and we have caught him smoking INSIDE the unit several times. Kevin has health issues and told Tom to stop several times, especially at night, but he usually just ignores Kevin and doesn't reply. REMINDER, KEVIN AND TOM SHARE THE SAME ROOM
Kevin is mostly awake in the middle of the night from 11PM-3AM and in the living room he paces, growls, laughs, makes "WOOO" sounds like hes watching a game all to himself. We can hear him through our rooms and its hard to sleep.
We have tried to talking to Tom several times through instagram and asked him what's wrong. We were very accommodating with him about his family situation and said if he needed anyone to talk to, we were there for him. We were always really generous whenever he needed something from us and never expected anything in return.
Yesterday, at 3AM, Tom was smoking again in the room while Kevin was trying to sleep. The same thing happened the other night. Kevin asked him to stop but Tom didnt reply as usual. Kevin got mad and started cursing at Tom (imho, i dont know why he didn't curse at him sooner after everything Tom did). Tom got in Kevins face, threatening and yelling at him. Kevin told him to back up but it got him even more angry and Tom striked Kevin. They both started fighting and my boyfriend had to split them up. We tried to calm down the situation but he started to verbally attack my boyfriend and i, saying I "was a problem since the beginning" (Im not aware of this). I ran downstairs to call the cops and when they came, Kevin was up in my boyfriends face yelling at him and saying shit like how he's always makes things a problem and other shit...
The cops did nothing. They said it was a civil dispute even though the same officer spoke to all 3 of us individually. We told him we were genuinely afraid of him and how he says he wants to kill everyone and how he takes drugs and drinks a lot. They just moved Kevin to the living room and told him to sleep there
For some context, I have PTSD, so I didnt come back to the house til 7-8AM. I sat in the apartment gym for 4-5 hours because I was afraid of Kevin. We are all afraid of him, we even hid the knives in the kitchen. It's gotten to the point where I changed my room door lock, added a sliding bolt lock, and one time i barricaded the door during one of his episodes (of growling and laughing in the living room).
I need advice on: Am I crazy for being scared? What would you do in my situation?

I have struggled with major depressive disorder and anxiety for my whole life. I remember being as young as 6 or 7 and thinking that everyone I knew would be so much happier without me, especially my parents... like they'd be happier with my younger siblings being their only children, because they always favored my younger siblings.
When I was a teen, my desire to end my life became more and more prominent. I was raped by someone I trusted. It happened the day of or the day after I was released from a 3 day inpatient hold for attempting suicide. I didn't tell anyone for over a year. I regretted throwing up all of the pills I took to attempt suicide (changed my mind last minute), and wished I had succeeded ever since.
I had further traumatic events and abuse leading into college and my early adulthood. I've been in therapy for more than half of my life now (on and off because doctors have left their practices, I've moved states multiple times, etc). I've been on so many different drugs and combinations of drugs, I can't even keep track of them all. I've tried everything that is available to me to feel better.
I've turned to religion and realized that was bullshit. I have tried medications and eventually end up in the same place mentally. I've done group and solo therapy. I haven't done longterm inpatient or some kind of rehab facility, because I'm in the stupid US (and a red state, to boot!) and I've never been able to afford it - even with insurance, it is unrealistic and unattainable. I can't drink alcohol because I have 0 tolerance; I even tried becoming an alcoholic for about a year, and it just never worked (I know, I know, that sounds stupid... who wants to be an alcoholic? Someone who wants the pain to stop). I don't do drugs (aside from what's prescribed, and only within the last 3-4 years have I started smoking weed. Weed, surprisingly, helps with the majority of my symptoms. My CPTSD, anxiety, OCD, etc all chill the fuck out - but my depression is always a constant) because I've always been a goodie-two-shoes and I've never known anyone to get drugs from. It was easier to find a weed connection because it's so available now. I've tried being an absolute health nut, but it just triggers my eating disorders and I fail. I've tried meditation, yoga, finding new hobbies, being outdoors, being indoors, occupying my mind with learning or creativity. Nothing makes it stop.
And all that to sum up my history, just to bring us to now:
I've spent my whole life wanting to die. I'm actually very well educated (I had that privilege, though it didn't help with obtaining any decent jobs), but as soon as I say I want to die, any chance that people see me as intelligent and of sound mind flies out the window. The idea that a suicidal individual must be ~out of their right mind is so baffling to me. I've... always been completely sober and capable of making sound decisions when I've been at my darkest points. I kind of which I hadn't been, because then it would at least give me hope that it might "get better." I've stayed out of guilt, not wanting someone to find my body, not knowing who would take care of things I leave behind.
Recently, however, things have become unbearable. The person I thought I'd spend my life with ended things abruptly (and for no reason - they actually just spooked themselves, and because of how they handled it and how they've handled it since, it's something we can't come back from). I don't have friends; the people that say they are my friends are nowhere to be found. I've been open and honest with my "friends," said I'm in a really dark place and NEED them to check in on me. Hasn't happened. I truly believe it's just too difficult being friends with me because of my depression - which sucks, because I'm generally an overall happy person. My job is hell; I've had a slew of really bad job experiences (I've had some great ones, too! But the bad ones were... very bad), and I've lost hope in trying to find a job that actually treats me well, appreciates that I work my ass off, and pays me a livable wage. Up until the pandemic, I had 3-4 jobs simultaneously. For YEARS.
So... here I am. Heartbroken, alone, barely able to afford to live (ha, I only still have a roof over my head because the ex still lives with me, I don't make enough to afford my own place anymore because of inflation the past few years), and I'm pretty sure I have enough prescription medication to end things. Because I went through 6-7 different medications over the past year - and tried different doses of some of them - I have a bunch of unused pills. Prozac, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, 5 different ADHD drugs, some tramadol from a car accident.
I'm just... scared it won't work.

Introduction

Hello and welcome to another Minion guide! We have seen some very big changes to our boney boys and I wanted to try and help Necromancers new and old have a deeper understanding moving into Season 4. As a forewarning, I would like to state that I am not an absolute authority on all things Minions nor do I know beyond a reasonable doubt that anything posted in this guide is 100% accurate. However, I will try to be as concise and forthcoming as possible with reliable sources and materials.

Minion Changes

• Skirmisher Upgrade 2: No cooldown on the empowered critical strike or damage.
  • Still not worth using over Reapers.
• Reaper Upgrade 1: Special attacks now reduce an active cooldown by 3 seconds.
• Defenders Upgrade 1: Every 6 seconds your Skeletal Defenders taunt nearby enemies.
  • This made thorns warriors viable!
• Defenders Upgrade 2: Now reduce damage by 99%
  • There isn't really a use case for this unless pits is smoking our army and it shouldn't be.
• Shadow Mages: Attacks now Pierce!
  • Something I have wanted for a long time.
• Shadow Mage Upgrade 1: 3%[x] Universal damage multiplier for every Shadow Mage active.
  • Up to 18%[x] with all 6 total Shadow Mages.
• Shadow Mage Upgrade 2: Now fires on every 3rd attack instead of 4th.
  • Amazing dps increase for a mage focused build.
• Bone Mage Upgrade 1: Bone Mages now cast Bone Splinters or Bone Spear every 6th time they attack.
  • Coupled with extra attack temper and extra projectiles tempers this isn't a bad option and opens up some interesting build paths.
  • Abilities cast by your Bone Mages act as if they were cast by the player.
  • Can trigger Lucky Hit Chance, Deathless Visage, Overpower, etc.
• Blood Golem Upgrade 1: 15% Damage Reduction > 30% Damage Reduction.
  • A massive singular source of DR in a now DR limited world.
• Bone Golem Upgrade 1: Now spawns 5 corpses when using the active.
  • Great synergy for builds that need to activate Flesh Eater.
• Bone Golem Upgrade 2: Every 3 seconds upon taking damage your Bone Golem deals 123.2% x [Weapon Damage] and applies vulnerable to surrounding enemies for 4 seconds.
  • Great if you are vulnerable starved as a thorns necromancer. Not much purpose or use outside of this as Iron Golem is better.
• Iron Golem Upgrade 1: Casts a shockwave dealing 154% x [Weapon Damage] after every 2 attacks.
  • The best Golem choice unless the Blood Golem multiplier is needed to one shot bosses after potential nerfs.
• Iron Golem Upgrade 2: Pulled enemies are now also vulnerable.

Minion Skill Damage

Skeletal Warrior

• Skirmisher: 18.2% "30%[x]"
• Defender: 18.2%
• Reaper: 50.4%
• Warrior Count: 5 - 8

Skeletal Mage

• Shadow: 51.6%
• Cold: 51.6%
• Bone: 78%
• Mage Count: 3 - 6

Golem

• Bone: 76.7% (Passive 123.2%)
• Blood: 76.7% (Active: 140%)
• Iron: 76.7% (Active: 200%) [Upgrade 1: 154%]
• Golem Count: 1

Attack Speed

Cap 1

• Andariel's Visage: 15%[+]
• Aspect of Moonrise: 4-20%[+]
• Assault Elixir: 4-20%[+]
• Artillery Shrine: 100%[+]
• Cult Leader "Puppeteer + Magic Nodes": 10%[+]
• Paragon: 5%[+] "Flesh Eater - Culler"
• Attack Speed (Gear): 11-81%[+] "Lowest to Highest roll from one item"
• Minion Attack Speed (Gear): 20%[+] "Possibly Higher with Greater Affix"
• Kalan's Edict: 3%[+] "Per active minion up to 45%[+]"
• Hulking Monstrosity Paragon: 25%[+]
• Bone Golem Sacrifice: 10%[+]

Cap 2

• Rapid Aspect: 15-30%[+] "Basic Only - Does not help minions."
• Aspect of Rathma's Chosen: 50-100%[+]
• Aspect of Frenzied Dead: 30-45%[+]
• Enhanced Reap: 30%[+]
• Accelerating Aspect: 10-25%[+]

Caps Explained
Attack speed has two seperate caps as of testing in season 3. Cap 1 can go up to 100% and Cap 2 can go up to 100%. This means a player can reach a technical total attack speed limit of 200% hard cap. While we do not as of yet know the attacks per second break points from attack speed we are working to decipher its mysteries. Involving minions, what does this mean for you? Cult Leader is supposed to cap at 100% attack speed or a damage bonus of 150%[x]. During the PTR this was bugged and surpassing the cap allowed for additional damage gains. It is "as of yet" unknown if this will be fixed moving into the start of Season 4. If you are only looking to reach the max damage potential of Cult Leader, stop at 100% from either Cap or a mixture of them both. If you are trying to increase your attacks per second, take each cap to 100% for a total of 200%.

Stat Inheritance

This one is rather easy now. Minions receive 100% of the Necromancers stats! Gone are the bygone days of calculating 30% of a given stat!

Lucky Hit Chance

Minions have no Lucky Hit Chance. Any effect that they do trigger that says it is a Lucky Hit is in fact an "bug?" interaction of that skill or ability procing off of direct damage.

Aspects

Almost all Aspects on gear are working as intended with the exception of a select few. I will try to get confirmation about these and update as new information is available.

• Aspect of the Damned: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Possibly fixed at season start."
• Conceited Aspect: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Probably Intended, Minions don't get barriers"
• Aspect of Grasping Veins: Critical Chance working, Critical Strike Damage not working. "Possibly fixed at season start."
• Edgemaster's Aspect: Not working as of Season 3 / PTR. "Probably Intended"

Skills / Paragon / Glyphs

Some skills, paragon, and glyphs are less useful now that our Minions gain 100% of our stats. Season 4 testing is required to determine base values for Armor, Resistance, and Base Life values of each minion type. So far it is only known that each minion has its own separate base life value. "Tested by Seetod and Bactyrael hitting each other's minions for a long time." With this in mind, you may or may not need the added bonuses from the following. (See Bone Golem Note Thorns Users!)

• Skill - Death's Defense: 4-12%[+] Armor and 8-24%[+] All Resistance to Minions. "With the new Armor cap of 9230 and resistances usually being over capped, this seems worthless for us now." (See Bone Golem Note!)
• Glyph - Mage: 35%[+] All Resistance to Minions. "184%[+] Mage damage is worth it in some contexts over another multiplier."
• Glyph - Warrior: 30%[+] Armor to Minions. "Basically never worth taking in any context" (See Bone Golem Note!)
• Paragon Nodes- Minion Armor: Requires testing but it is assumed Minions will receive the new cap of 9230 and no long need these paragon nodes. (See Bone Golem Note!)
• Paragon Nodes - Minion All Resistance: Requires testing but it is assumed Minions will receive our Resistances at 100% value and as such be capped.

Damage, Attack Speed, Maximum Life, and Damage Reduction all seem like worthwhile investments and will most likely be required to push into higher levels of the Pit. A lot of this section is unknown territory and in an attempt to not steer you down the wrong path, I would suggest testing your own mileage from these investments. I will do my best to update this segment as new information becomes available.

Suggestions / Notes / Opinions

• Bone "Thorns from Armor" Golem: Armor increases from Death's Defense, Paragon, and Glyphs, (with the Exception of Total Armor%[+] while golem is active from Hulking Monstrosity) all seem to increase the Armor and in effect thorns that the bone golem receives. Further testing is required when Season 4 launches to confirm this.
• Minions Inherit Thorns: Whether we are taking the generic, warriors, mages, or golem temper from the Thorns Army temper manual. It is assumed but not yet confirmed that this is an additive bucket that increases the total thorns from the player to Minion/s. I did not get the manual during the PTR to test so I will update this section if needed when S4 begins. Thorns the Golem gains from Armor should be separate from the value this bonus gives.
• Kalan's Edict: As you can see from the Attack Speed segment, It is almost never in our best interest to take this Keystone. Blighted Aspect along with Gloom, Terror, Shadowblight, and Apothic Aspect are all net damage boons to almost every Minion build. I personally believe it should be changed to provide unique functionality such as a Mendeln type effect or act as an actual keystone instead of a stat stick. My Suggestion "easy solution" to the developers would be to make this give 7%[+] Attack Speed per active minion for a total of 105%[+] at 15 minions which is the most we are able to have out at one time. This would allow us to ignore attack speed rolls on gear and max out Cap 1 at 100% from our army.
• Aspect of Frenzied Dead: Great aspect, super nice being able to buff up Cap 2. Please make it 50%[+] instead of 45%[+]. You have made it so we can't reach the 100% cap 2 breakpoint by 10% while using a two hander and stop us from reaching 100% by putting this aspect on an amulet for 70%[+] and Enhanced Reap for the remaining 30%[+]. Overall this is really a quality of life change I would like to see addressed. Outside of this we are required to fill that remaining 2-10%[+] with Accelerating Aspect or Rathma's Chosen. Which is a serious over investment in stats.
• Unyielding Commander's Aspect: It is getting harder and harder to justify taking AotD or this aspect. Minions are incredibly resilient with 100% of our stats and there are plenty of instances where bone storm provides more value. I think it isn't as much a fault with this Aspect as with Army of the Dead being the worst ultimate for our class and one of the worst in the game.
• Skirmishers: They don't really have a place in a build path for us as of right now. Perhaps a crit variant will come along that competes with reapers far superior skill damage and utility? They are currently good to stack Kalan's or would be good in a Shadowblight Minion hybrid build if reapers didn't trigger more procs with their AOE and special attacks. My suggestion to the developers is to simply increase their base skill damage to either be equal to Reapers at 50% or greater than this. They should also have access to Area of Effect damage. Minions can not focus fire a target, so it feels redundant to willing choose a single target only variation when AoE choices exist.
• Bone Mages: The novelty of them killing themselves has been lost on me after a beta and 3 seasons. And because Bone Spear / Splinters deals substantially less damage than Shadow Mages, they are an inferior option. We will have to see how the meta evolves over time. Currently I wish they would remove the Emo factor.
• Ring of Mendeln: There just isn't a feasible way to scale this super well. With mages and even warriors able to hit higher numbers, it will take a serious nerf to bring this back up as a viable option.
• Deathspeaker's Pendant: Blood in general is in a bad place this season. I probably wouldn't use this but it is one of our most creative uniques. Haven't seen the damage potential but I think other amulet options or stats on an amulet will replace the want to run this. I think this should be turned into a unique focus so that it can pair well with running doombringer. And we won't be fighting between banished lord's and this.
• Mage Glyph: The Mage Glyph is now not worth taking over any other multiplier with additive damage attached such as the Amplify or Control Glyph. Previously it was one of the only ways to get additive damage for our mages at 100% value besides vulnerable damage. Now that we have 100% scaling, it is an inferior option. Once again I suggest taking the Amplify or Control Glyph for Additive Damage%[+] and a 10%[x] multiplier over this glyph. I would also like to note that minions are now resistance capped at the same time we are, we do not need the 35%[+] Minion All Resistance from the Glyph. My suggestion to the development team would be to change the bonus to a multiplier such as was done with the Golem Glyph.
• Warrior Glyph: Just like the Mage Glyph the Warrior Glyph is in the same boat of providing too little stats for too little pay off in comparison to the Essence or Exploit glyph. And just as before we no longer need the 30%[+] Minion Armor. My suggestion to the development team would be to change the bonus to a multiplier such as was done with the Golem Glyph.

Builds

Minion Leveling (1 - 100) - Seetod

• https://maxroll.gg/d4/plannema6ms0xb#1

Shadow Summoner (Endgame) - Seetod

• https://maxroll.gg/d4/plannet46pg0wv#5

Thorn Golem (Endgame) - Bactyrael

• https://maxroll.gg/d4/planne89930wc4#1
• After each Taunt, use Corpse Tendril and Corpse Explosion to enable multipliers.

Credits / Special Thanks

• GMS Seetod: Skill Damage, Aspects, Attack Speed Caps, Bug Finding, Putting up with me.
• GMS Team: A group of awesome players who are helping make Diablo 4 as great of an ARPG as we want it to become!
• MacroBioBoi: Shout out to our Boi for all of his hard work and communication with the development team. A lot of what we do would mean nothing without a voice and awareness. Thank you!
• Sanctuary Discord: A lot of awesome people who challenge us to find and improve our metrics of testing and approach issues from a new light.
• Bactyrael: Hey that's me! Thank you for reading this far.

Conclusion

If you would like to have your build added to the Builds section or have a specific build you want to see, please DM me. If you have any questions regarding Minions, I will try to do my best to address it. Happy hunting and good luck in Season 4!

I’ve recently moved across the country and have had to find a few new barns. I wouldn’t say my past experience with trainers has been negative at all; my trainers were always kind and educational, they helped me grow to become confident in my riding and put me on appropriate horses to further excel my skills. However, for the past two years I feel like I’ve been stuck in a loop where the only profit I get is 40 minutes in the saddle and $80 down the fucking drain.
The first barn I joined just so happened to be the first of the few I’d initially looked at. No outward health concerns beside the fact that the place was a little run down. I always rule this out as something normal, because maybe I’m not in the price bracket to be affording nice barns. My very first session I noticed she had a few horses tied in the cross ties for hours on end. And I say hours on end because she loses track of time very easily. Sometimes she would have me in the saddle for over an hour. The horses were always tacked up before I got there. I guess this wasn’t unusual; traffic makes it hard for me to get there early but I was always on time. I prefer to tack up on my own, but I realized it was because after the lessons I had she usually had another student hop on right after…
She would smoke during lessons, which can’t be good for the horses or the kids. She was very confusing and often barked orders at me in the middle of doing a line. She favored certain students and constantly ignored me. (Either because they were frequenting or paid more.) She stuck me on the same PA/QH cross every single lesson I had. It was certainly annoying because I do have long legs. For context, I went to that barn for a consecutive 3-5 months. I’ve been riding on and off since I was 7 and am a junior in high school. She also put inexperienced students on horses who were too green. In my case, I got a horse that was too desensitized. And I know what everyone says, it’s not the horses fault it’s the rider, but lots of lesson horses are desensitized to leg cues, no matter how hard you try to work with them.
I am not someone who wants to spend my paid lesson kicking a horse and being told to stop being shy. Shyness is not my problem. I can be a demure person but I’m not an ignorant one. It is very frustrating constantly being told to take control, when what I need is a willing partner. The one time I ever rode a different horse at that barn just happened to be an OTTB gelding. By no means a bad horse, I adored him absolutely even though he was finicky. I later learned that she has been leasing him out to someone who was mistreating him. Quite blatant dental issues because of the leaser’s harsh hands on the bit. It was disheartening to me because it was obvious she valued money more than the welfare of her horses.
I switched barns after that, in hopes to find a better place to eventually start showing. I do not show because it is not really something I want, nor can I afford it; I take lessons because I do not have a horse of my own and this is really my only passion. But in order to prove I was serious about riding I felt I had to start showing. This new trainer was going well in the beginning. The only catch was her lessons were way more expensive for way less time. I thought this would be better as long as she was more professional. Well, it turns out my old trainer was also in kahoots with these ones. Thankfully, I never saw her; it would’ve been awkward.
I got a bit more freedom to tack up but was still kept on an otherwise tight leash. I rode the same horse majority of the time, again very old, very slow. I would not have a problem with either of these things if I was a beginner, but I’m not. This trainer was a college student, who I felt was simply trying to finagle me for money too. She would discreetly vape during lessons, which I thought was hilarious. She took phone calls and had conversations. She would charge for ‘anatomy’ lessons after calling a rain check and having me come out? (Arena was either too wet or cold) Coincidentally on one of these anatomy lessons, she brandished a wall of twisted bits, saying these are only for the naughtiest of horses. She would act as if I was excelling, yet in the next lesson we’d do something totally rudimentary on the same horse. I have to clarify because I don’t want to seem ungrateful, I’m appreciative of my lessons but when I’ve been doing the same thing for so long it starts to feel like I’m going nowhere/being taken advantage of. My legs were routinely aching after lessons because I spent the majority trying to get the horse to be active.
It makes me feel like It’s my fault and makes me unmotivated to even continue the sport. I don’t have many things that actually make me happy and at this point I feel like selling all of my equipment and quitting. Although I love it, it’s just starting to get too expensive and not worth it. I don’t know how to find a good trainer without spending hundreds of dollars. And even if I did, how do I know they’re not corrupt? (Sorry this is so long, I hope someone reads it.)

https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bykm11/anaia/
https://www.reddit.com/GriefSupport/comments/1bxzqi4/siste
About a month ago, I posted two separate posts on this subreddit about my younger sister, Anaia, who passed away on March 17th, 2024. In one post I gave photos, and in the other I wrote about her addiction, but I don't think I've really talked about myself.
It has been nearly two months since my little sister passed away, and I wouldn't describe it as grueling or depressing, just unusual. On April 22nd, it was confirmed to my family that Anaia died as a result of fentanyl toxicity, which was the reason I always assumed but to have it confirmed was very depressing. Yesterday, I went to my grandmother's house and there were a few copies of Anaia's death certificate, in the onset interval to death section, I said minutes. When talking to my mother (me and my parents talk all the time, my dad sits in my room and plays games while we talk about Anaia or something random, and me and my mother will talk about random things as well as Anaia too.), she told me her perspective of that morning. Long story short, around 11:45AM, I woke up to my mother screaming my sister's name and she soon realized she was unresponsive, me and my father woke up soon after and I called 911, and that's the short version. I assumed my sister was in her covers sleeping and fentanyl overrid her system, but no, my mom told me that when she walked into Anaia's room, she was laid flat out on top of all of her covers, arms outstretched to the side. Learning that was a major shock to me, and I'll explain why.
Sure, Anaia's death was nearly instant. But hearing the details of what my mom said really drove him that once it happened, it didn't matter whether we went into there at the right time or later, there was likely nothing that could've been done. From my understanding, it was almost as if she was up one second and collapsed the next. There was dried vomit on clothes next to her bed, making me assume that after vomiting, she just collapsed instantly after and died. After calling 911, my mother demanded out of fear for me to help her perform CPR, and I didn't hesitate to do so. But, anyone in that situation could tell, with no details given, that there was nothing that could've been done. The typical signs of a deceased body were very present, and even I (doing the mouth resuscitation) knew that if I felt no air coming back onto me, and touching her neck didn't give a pulse, I quickly understood that this was it, like there was nothing me or my parents could've done. When the paramedics arrived at 12 exactly, it took them a minute or two for them to tell us that there was nothing to be done, and ultimately, Anaia had died long, long before we got to her. They said roughly 6-8 hours, meaning at the earliest 3am, and at the latest 5am. It's a disheartening fact for him, and even my father expressed to me too a few nights ago, but we wished that at least there was a chance for us to get to her beforehand. Maybe if he and I or my mom went into her room for no real reason in the middle of the night, we would've been able to save her. What really struck me when my dad was telling me that was him acknowledging that while he and my mom were watching TV, he couldn't bare to imagine that simultaneously Anaia was dying. I felt the same way, I was awake around 3-3:30AM, and if she died during that time, I was totally unaware scrolling through my phone.
I wish that there was something to be done. During her time alive, and when she started doing street dealt percocets, I warned her about fentanyl, and ultimately I wish she had heeded my warning and stayed off them when she did quit in December. I'm a sociable person, and I'm one of those people that have a wide different variety of groups and friends I hang out with, and I may not be in extracurricular activities but even those that are popular in my school know me. As a result of being so sociable, I know people that do drugs, and only a set few who do percocets, one of my closest friends used to be a heavy percocet user and I used to tell her as much as I did my sister to quit. My friend and my sister quit, but one returned and one didn't. One is still here, and one is not. It doesn't matter how many people I told not to do percocets, of course I would've wanted my sister to be the one to really listen to me. But ultimately, the person I wanted to save the most didn't make it. I've saved others, but with my sister, it almost made my words feel like nothing after she died. No matter however many times I told her to please find something less dangerous and more beneficial, to not risk her life, she kept using and lost her life. Said friend and two other friends of my sister (I know both of them) were also at some point active percocet users, and they told me that they felt it like it should've been them, seeing my mother made them see that that could've been their parents, their siblings, their friends and relatives, etc. I told them bluntly that it in fact could've been them in Anaia's position, I told them that just because Anaia's clock stopping running doesn't mean there's has to, they can avoid being in her position. Then it got me thinking, there's plenty of other people who overdose on purpose, who overdose 9 times, who overdose and suffer long term effects like paralyzation, but still remain. Anaia overdosed once, and that was the final time. I believe in God and Jesus but I'm not a preacher, I believe and keep it pushing but I'm not religiously based. I believe in the concept of everyone having a time and a date, but sometimes I find myself questioning that if that's the case, are we just here to live a predetermined fate that we have no control over? At the end of the day, was I meant to go through this? Thinking like that plagues my mind, but I settle for it being her time to go, as seeing other drug users made me wonder what they may be here to prove on earth that Anaia could not. I don't like questioning others' lives and why they get to live longer, that's not me, and I'm glad they've been granted more chances, it just sucks my sister wasn't granted that chance in the grand scheme of things. Predetermined or not, there was so much she could've lived for, but I believe there's a reason time can't be reversed, and there's many unexplained miracles that somehow eases me into thinking that I shouldn't throw myself into a hole of questioning why she didn't get a chance, and just accepting that her race ended earlier than mine. I believe things happen for a reason, it's an insensitive statement depending on the situation, but things happen for people to learn and grow from them, but no one really knows why. I've just had to come to the conclusion hat my sister is okay, she's safe, and I have no reason to continue to question her life and worry about her if she's not here with me anymore, you feel?
From a brother perspective, it sucks. It feels somewhat lonely, to live and breathe as an only child. I've become accustomed to being an older brother to a younger sister, but I turned 16 without her, and that's how it'll be for the rest of my life. At her visitation on March 30th, I didn't cry, but seeing her body just made me shake my head. She looked very nice, the funeral home did an amazing job, but it hit me that this was really her. There were distinct things I saw that she had in life that made me come to that conclusion that that was what was left my little sister, and at the funeral + burial the next day, watching her being lowered into the ground left my head empty. No thoughts, she watching as her casket covered in a white sheet was lowered into the ground, and that'd be it. I grew up with this person, and now I have to look down on this person and go through life without this amazing person. I never imagine something like this happening, especially not like this. I always wanted to die first because I was older, a thought I feared ever since I was a child. That didn't get to happen, and milestones man. She'll never get to graduate the year after me, never get to have that lovely relationship with that special one that she always wanted, she never got to be an aunt, a mom, nothing. One day, I hope to have children and I will tell them about Anaia, but do I wish they'd have been able to meet her if that time came. Everyday, I walk past her room, sometimes I go in there and sometimes I don't. Two weeks after her death, her mattress was taken out by me and my dad's friend, up until a few weeks ago, her room was left scattered the way it was when she died minus the mattress, and now, everything has been cleaned up. It's empty, and the emptiness is another reality check. I'll never see Anaia again, and in the potential next life I believe I will, but the fact I can't now is a hard concept to grasp. No more walking to the bus stop, no more barging into her room or vice versa, no more waiting forever for her to complete her makeup, no more random room hangouts, no more of her asking me to flash a light for her Instagram pictures for an excruciating ten minutes, none of them. Her physical presence is gone, I come home everyday and instantly the thought of her being gone hits me. Riding in the car with my parents, being at school, going out, it doesn't feel the same knowing in the back of my head she's gone, no matter how much fun I have. Regardless, I've returned to normal life, matter of fact, I started going to school every day instantly after the funeral, and during the two weeks of March 17th-March 31st, I showed up to school here and there. It didn't take a toll to do so, because I've accepted that though Anaia died, I'm still alive? I don't stop when she does, that'll have more of an effect. Life still goes on, time doesn't stop for no one no matter how much I may want it to. I honestly sit my current happiness at like a 6.5-7, higher than one may expect. I still have my parents, my friends, and all of my relatives, an important chunk is just missing but I still have my people. I only feel alone in the sibling aspect, but in reality, people make me happy everyday and still continue to. I joke how I've always joked, people have said I look much better than how I did initially, there's notable sadness on my face, but I look happier. If that's true, then I hope it stays that way. I still go out to these afterschool events, outside friend hangous, they bring joy. I just miss my sister 25/8, but I've learned to appreciate life just a little bit more now. If she's okay, I'm okay.
Lastly, I wanted to mention dreams. People say they have dreams of deceased loved ones all the time, I personally haven't yet, would like to, but until then that hasn't been the case. I'm not talking dreams with the person in them, I mean direct communication dreams. My mother has had two, my dad's friend has had one, and my close friend mentioned earlier has had one, but the one that sticks out the most is my little cousin's dream. My mom has a younger sister herself and in 2018, she had her first child, his nickname is JP. During 2021-2022, me and Anaia lived with my grandmother due to losing our apartment (our parents stayed separately at a grouphome my dad worked at, they work for my grandmother's company), and my aunt as well as JP stayed with my grandma. JP essentially became me and Anaia's little brother that we didn't have, and vice versa for him, he sees me and Anaia has his older siblings. Seeing him seem so heartbroken after Anaia died was very sad, as you can see written on this five-year-old's face that Anaia was someone who truly mattered to him and he was so sad about it. However, in his dream, Anaia came to him and told him she loved all of us, that she regretted not seeing him grow older, and that what happened to her was an accident. The part that got me was that Anaia told him that where she was was beautiful, he asked to see it, and she told him he couldn't see it yet. Kids just don't make things like that up in my opinion, and he worded it very detailed for a kindergartener, and JP is at the age where his words don't conflict with other things he's said, he's consistent with it and he tells me the same thing he told me the first time when I ask him here and then. He can see it one day, but he can't see it, not yet. What that tells me is that if life is so hard, death must be so beautiful afterwards, and that there is an afterlife. Even if I believed in a separate religion, or if my current religion isn't the truth, I will always believe in an afterlife. I refuse to believe that this world is it, and kids just don't pull stuff out their butt in a serious situation. I believe him. If that's the case, then I'll gladly wait. It doesn't matter how many people die during my lifetime, whatever remains of it, and how many new people I might meet in my life. If my hope of living to elder age and I meet someone and create a family, and even if said wife and or children die before me if that plan does happen, there's only one person I wish to greet me. I hear that people see a loved one before they die, and I hope Anaia is the one that comes to see me when it's all over. Forever, no matter who else passes before me, Anaia's will stay the worst, the most impactful, and that's a strong statement to make but I'm sure of that. I have plenty of goals I have for myself, but my end goal once the others are done is to get past 70, pass peacefully, and have my sister wait for me there. I hope that wouldn't be much to ask for.
That's it.

I’ll just drop more things I’ve noticed about the house during the first 3 days of me living there.
1.) the tour was different from the actual move in
2.) I was told we were going to have assigned cleaning dates to clean the house.
3.) the kitchen that I was shown was actually more dirty and I am not allowed to clean anything in the kitchen or be in it.
4.) the entire living room and everything on the first floor is the landlords.
5.) texts about last minute rules came in after I got in trouble for cleaning the orange build up on the fridge with hydrogen peroxide which fixed that problem.
6.) I offered to pay her back for the cleaning product use and I still got into trouble.
7.) she insults my mother as a joke which is a serious offense.
8.) she keeps the back door open barely with the lock on but would get angry with me for opening the front door to sometimes air the house out of the smell that’s left behind that goes into my rented room.
9.) she’s the only one with the mail key so if I need to find any mail I can’t access it because she didn’t get a copy for anyone else their.
10.) my mail that came in (car parts) had rips and was tossed onto the inside stairs.
11.) things change up in the house
12.) landlord will have late night dates under my room in the main after curfew as if we don’t have other neighbors.
13.) the overnight guests have to pay 70+ a night according to the landlord’s new idea she told me
14.) she has a small dog that she keeps in the garage that I always see with an empty bowl.
15.) The night before my motorbike got stolen, her dog got out and was running around. (Not too relevant but something I saw as she didn’t even notice…)
16.) Her dog doesn’t go outside that much and she’s barely home most of the time.
17.) There is/was sugar all over the countertop behind the WiFi router.
18.) My other roommate even admits to her not being clean.
19.) My bedroom doorknob is on backwards and the door is not the right size.
20.) I live with other 420 smokers… so it’s iffy already. Even though I’m one.
21.) the washing machine is broken and the dryer is unplugged. Even though everyone else around us has both working ones in their garages.
22.) She leaves her food out and it gets a day old or two.
23.) Didn’t send me a text going mia, until later then she had gotten a new number after I had tried to contact her, previously many times about getting my mail out of the mailbox.
My only issue is how people want to act like we stoners think alike. We don’t. Some see things others don’t and this is one of them. While she’s smoking and spending, seeing her bfs, she could be saving for a washing machine as well. And not only that walk your dog..? I’m sick of seeing a dog that isn’t mine going to me for responsibilities that i don’t pay for. Remember, she said I pay for the room. Not to take care of her dog but it hurts me because I feel like I’m gonna be in trouble for just giving the dog water in his empty bowls. Dudes dehydrated and you can see it when he goes out for his droppings. Let alone his slight limp on the hind left leg. I don’t mind paying an extra few hundred bucks for it… really but now I’m going to look elsewhere to live whether things go good or not. The way things are here are so unstable. This isn’t the only things there’s more and I can keep updating everyone.

Could I set up my old Technics SA-5 receiver from the 80’s up to my modern receiver? The old receiver has a rack with a tape deck, record player, and radio and they are all connected using a proprietary cable. I want to use them all together but outputting to my new Yamaha receiver. How I am planning on doing this is by having the speaker wire from the old receiver go into an adapter (speaker wire to RCA) then running that with another RCA extension cable to the new receiver that is hooked up to a 7.1 surround sound setup. Would that be too much to handle for anything in the system/start a fire or sparks, smoke, or anything bad really? All of the speakers are 8 ohms and everything works right now how it should.

Could I set up my old Technics SA-5 receiver from the 80’s up to my modern receiver? The old receiver has a rack with a tape deck, record player, and radio and they are all connected using a proprietary cable. I want to use them all together but outputting to my new Yamaha receiver. How I am planning on doing this is by having the speaker wire from the old receiver go into an adapter (speaker wire to RCA) then running that with another RCA extension cable to the new receiver that is hooked up to a 7.1 surround sound setup. Would that be too much to handle for anything in the system/start a fire or sparks, smoke, or anything bad really? All of the speakers are 8 ohms and everything works right now how it should.

She is the mother of my half big brother so that’s why she is still in the family. I hope I’m allowed to post here, if not I will delete my post.
I think she might be a narcissist because of several signs:

1. She never apologizes and has only done it once in my big brother’s life time (he is 45 years old now)
   
2. She always smokes inside despite knowing I have a heart condition and I can’t tolerate the smoke
   
3. She always blames me and my dad for using her, even though she wants to get going and sort things out
   
4. She blames her friends for using her when they literally bought her a car and said she could pay them back by doing food shopping for them every now and then and they didn’t even give her a deadline for the payback
   
5. She has a constant Mr. Jekyll & Hyde behavior, one moment she is calm and the next she wants to sort out everything and then gets angry and blames us for being lazy
   
6. She always criticizes me for being slow, I can’t walk fast due to my heart condition. If I’m not fast enough she gets angry and upset. When we are going food shopping she gets angry and very impatient and stressed if I’m just a bit too slow. I also have autism so I need time to make decisions while food shopping
   
7. My dad’s dog had to be put to sleep last week and the first thing she does is calling me to tell me I’ve never done enough for the dog, but that’s not true I’ve done more than my siblings because they are always busy, I’ve learnt him tricks and petted him a lot and gave him love this way. She also said she was angry because I was in my room and that I SHOULD stay with my dad, but I was with him when his dog was put to sleep and it was a very emotional and difficult moment. But I did it for my dad. So I needed to process what happened in my room. And my dad also said it was completely understandable
   
8. The next day she sent a love bombing message where she said she was sorry to hear about his passing but she didn’t apologize for her behavior. But she also said that “you won’t get over this pain, just like losing your mother” as if these pains can be compared wtf. These griefs can never be compared, my mum died of cancer 5 years ago and now she is using that against me too to remind me of that pain
   

It’s not only these instances that makes me feel like she might be a narcissist, she has always been like this, but only to her close family and usually not to friends or outsiders
What do you think? And how do I deal with her in a healthy way?

Hello! Please, whoever has the patience to read would help me enormously, as I have been suffering for 7 months. Sorry for bad english!!! I'm only 18 years old, I don't want my life to end or be like this. I had my first panic attacks around October 2023. I didn't know how they felt, I had them from calcium drops but they manifested differently. I went to the psychiatrist where I received Serlift 0.5 mg per day, but after 5 weeks I abandoned them because I could hardly tolerate them, I had nausea, constantly dilated pupils, imbalance, etc. On top of that, I also had swallowing difficulties which were quite rare but became more and more frequent. In December, I had already reached the point where I could no longer swallow solid food, and in January (2024) I started not being able to feed myself even with mashed things, purees, etc. I was eating somewhere around 2-3 teaspoons of soup per hour, somewhere around 2 bowls of clear soup. I went to a gastroenterologist where they did a digestive endoscopy, without a biopsy, and there was a wound caused by acid on the esophagus at the bottom, so their diagnosis was reflux + a hiatal hernia. I received treatment with Nexium (one pill in the morning) but I did not feel any improvement. At the same time, I went to the ENT because I felt like I couldn't breathe and they said that I have hypertrophic chronic rhinitis, which doesn't go away, so if it continues like this I will have to have laser surgery, it's quite an easy operation and minimally invasive, but they are worried back the nasal turbinates. The difficulty in swallowing decreased for a while, but it appeared again, stronger that I could not even swallow saliva and water without drowning. I then went to the doctor in Cluj where they redid my endoscopy and manometry. The manometry came out normal, but at the endoscopy, this time with a biopsy, I had reflux esophagitis. I received nexium treatment in the morning and in the evening and in addition to that I also did acupuncture and everything is almost back to normal, I still have a difficulty with bakery products and with seeds, meat. Rather, the problem remained that I feel how it slowly flows down my throat, but it's ok. During the investigations I went to the lungs and the heart. They discovered adult asthma in my lungs (I didn't have asthma as a child but I had many pneumonias) and since then I received treatment with foster and an antihistamine in the evening (Aerius). I felt that I was breathing hard (that I was inhaling hard), but I quickly understood that this is also anxiety, because many times my oxygenation was good. I haven't given up smoking since I have asthma, I've reduced it but now I want to quit because I feel that it's hard to EXPIRE the air outside, or I feel that when I want to inhale, I exhale. Or when I exhale deeply forcefully (because I have to force myself) I feel a pressing pain like a punch between the chest and the neck but rather towards the neck. The therapist said that these are NOT signs of anxiety, but the doctor I go to knows my problems with anxiety and often leaves it to her. I went to the heart because I had low blood pressure, but I also had anemia and that was also a cause (I have a very white face and palms). He said it could be a sinus tachycardia. But more recently, I feel as if my left breast is trembling or aching. The problem with breathing worries me the most, I'm afraid that there might be some hidden pneumonia. I had lung x-rays almost 2 months ago, but then I did NOT have those symptoms. I'm not saying that it's not possible for something to have appeared in such a short time? I keep thinking why do I have these moods? The therapist says that she does NOT think it's anxiety because even in the neurofeedbeek device (the one that measures the stress delta wave) I have low waves after the therapy. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to live my life because I don't have any worries or stress. If this time too everything looks good on x-rays and ultrasounds, what tests should I do? What lack of minerals/vitamins or what deficiency can cause such ugly conditions? Note: I think I know how to explain batter. I feel like i keep the CO2 in my lung instead of letting it go out.

Content Warning:Mentions of Child Abuse & Gore
They called me a colic baby, meaning I was a seemingly healthy baby that was distressed for an unknown reason. The fits of crying mostly dissipated by six months, but they'd crop up every now and then into toddler-hood. When I became capable of babbling a few words, I would summarize my pain in a few words: belly hurt. Belly HURT!
My parents didn't have much money, but they took me to the doctor for a checkup anyway. After running a physical exam and blood test, they determined that I was merely an excessively gassy little girl and should probably eat a more gut-friendly diet. They also prescribed some medicine which would eliminate the gas and relieve my pain.
It was from that moment on that my parents gave me the nickname "Gas Girl" (which I despised). The name stuck for several years, and anytime I'd get a little stomach ache my mom or dad would say, "uh, oh. It's not Gas Girl returning, is it?" I'd glare at them with my arms folded and pout, saying, "I'm not Gas Girl. I'm Wonder Girl!" My parents would share a look, then burst out laughing. Just as I was about to shout a retort, my dad would open up his arms and bend down in that familiar pose which signaled liftoff, and all my childish rage detached like a racing sticker as I leaped into my dad's arms and he flew me around the living room shouting "Who is it? It's Wonder-girl! Here to save the day from Gas Girl!"
Anyway, just as the nickname wore off, the pain returned. I was about 7 or 8 when I had my first big episode. I was in second grade, and the class was cutting out shapes. The pain came on so suddenly I remember lurching back and falling out of my seat. The next few hours were a blur of adults: my teacher, the nurses, the principal, my parents. I remember how cold and alone I felt despite being surrounded by grown ups, and my stomach hurt so much I was crying pretty much nonstop.
My dad bought a bunch of OTC medicine to try and settle what he thought was a really bad gas episode. My mom laid at the side of my bed and did bicycles in the air with me. Hours passed in pain as my adolescent imagination conjured up images of an evil little elf blowing thousands of bubbles in my belly. I consciously pictured myself popping them, but every time I did, more were blown. My dad scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next morning, and my mom stayed at my side until I was able to fall asleep sometime late in the night.
I dreamed vividly a horrific nightmare. I was strapped to a black, metal box. A surgeon donning blue scrubs with white gloves and a mask entered the space in my peripheral vision. The air was cold but crisp, as if every bit of dust had been scrubbed out of existence. I could feel my breathing, my heartbeat, even my skin. The doctor stepped forward and I could see the distortion of a smirk in the folds of his mask. I expected him to say something, to tell me what he wanted, but instead he lifted my shirt so my belly was exposed. "It's cold", I said in a mumbly voice. He lifted his hand in the air, and I saw behind it off in the back of the room was what looked like the glass wall of an aquarium. I was confused for a second, but only a second. The surgeon plunged his hand into my stomach like a spear, splitting through the flesh as if it were the skin of a ripe fruit. The previously silent man began to cackle like a maniacal villain as I nearly passed out from the pain. I felt his fingers swimming through my guts like parasitic worms. My body shook as cold sweat and blood began to ooze from my pores. I wanted to scream but I couldn't make a sound. I could only lay there, paralyzed, as the evil doctor explored my insides.
Somehow I lost consciousness in the dream, but when I woke up, the memory came flooding back, and I screamed with all the force of a thunderstorm. My parents skipped the appointment and rushed me to immediate care, but by the time we arrived, the pain was gone. I explained my dream to the doctor, but he said it was normal to dream up reasons for the pain. They recommended a CT scan to screen out the possibility of an ulcer or internal bleeding. Despite my parents' scarce savings, they agreed to run the test. However, something deeply entrenched in my mind thought of the dream with the surgeon and I protested. "I don't want a test!" I screamed. "But, honey, how are we going to know what's wrong?" replied my mom. "Nothing's wrong now. I don't want a test."
Looking back now on my persistence, it should have been obvious that there was something wrong with me, but my parents, who were thinking of their finances, allowed themselves to acquiesce to my demands. The pain would continue into and throughout my teenage years, and the one benefit that I can credit to it was that it taught me how to endure pain and hide it well before puberty started. Compared to my childhood cramps, period cramps were around a B+. Very bad, but not end of the world bad. However, they'd stick around more reliably, and eventually the two began to combine until I could no longer discern between them. Occasionally I would have a nightmare and wake up with a pain that was a little higher in my stomach, almost approaching my chest, but it would always disappear by breakfast time, and the chaos of a teenage girl's life would once again reassert itself in the form of an outfit that didn't look quite right or the memory of every word of a conversation with a guy I liked or how my teacher was out to get me. Basically, I had become normal.
And then two weeks after I turned 16, my dad passed away from heart failure. Apparently the stress from a paycheck-to-paycheck life in sales added onto a bad diet and a penchant for alcohol was a recipe for disaster. He was only 49. I was crushed.
The weeks and months following his funeral were filled with teenage anger and resentment. I directed most of it at my mom, who I held accountable for not being strong enough to step up and help with the bills. One day, when I was searching the drug cabinet for some painkillers to deal with some bad cramping, I noticed a new prescription for a drug with a really long name. I looked it up. It was an antidepressant. From that moment on I stopped giving my mom shit, but I grew a bit distant from her. I started spending a lot more time with my friends. I became reckless, adopting a drinking habit and unsafe sex practices. I smoked a bit but I didn't really like it. I guess I was just trying to find a way to move on, as naive as it was.
Fast forward to my present situation, and I'm a college student. A junior to be exact. I ended up scrounging up enough money from working two restaurant jobs to see a therapist on my own dime, and managed to make peace with my mom before leaving. We both talked out all of our trauma and cried together, and from that moment on, I haven't had a drink. About six months ago I got on the pill. I was starting to see one guy consistently and I wanted to be safe, but also I wanted to know what it felt like to not have stomach cramps anymore. It was freeing. I remembered my dad lifting me up into the air as a child, and I figured it kinda felt like that. I still cry thinking about him, although I don't let anyone see.
Anyway, about a week ago I started having really bad pain again, but this time it was in my chest. I would wake up in my apartment (I share a 3-bedroom with some friends from the college) with heart palpitations. My heart felt like a snake had wrapped around it and was trying to choke it out. The pressure would give way to a burst of fast ba-dum's, then settle, then start again. I remembered my dad's prognosis and started to get really scared, so I scheduled an appointment with the on-campus doctor for the next day through the online health platform.
They told me that chest pain is no joke and scheduled to have me scanned at a nearby hospital. This was four days ago. My boyfriend, Kevin, drove me there even though I said I'd be fine going alone. I think I already knew our relationship wasn't going to work out long term, so I was kind of checked out. I felt bad about it though because Kev is actually a really good person, but our personalities just don't match. He's very introverted and doesn't like to go out, whereas I thrive in group settings. Anyway, he drove me and I ended up getting an X-ray. The doc came in to share the results and I was immediately put off by the dubious expression on his face.
"What do you mean the images are blurry?" I asked.
"Well, it's just… that. They're blurry. It's very unusual for this to happen unless you have a pacemaker or some other device implanted. Do you know if you have something like that?"
"No, never," I said with a quaver in my voice. For some reason I thought back on my childhood dream with the surgeon and felt the urge to vomit.
"Well, let's run a CT scan and see if we can make anything out." He soothed.
Normally the CT and MRI dock was booked for a week out but the doctor happened to have an open space for me that same morning, so I waited about an hour and then got in the big tube machine that took pictures of my chest and abdomen. He said he should have the results by Thursday. That was Yesterday.
I was driving onto campus for my 9AM class when I got the call.
"Hello, this is Dr. **** calling for Josie **** ." (names redacted for privacy reasons)
"Oh, yes, this is Josie," I said and fit the phone between my shoulder and ear as I tried to find a comfortable posture."
"Yes, hello," the male doctor said in grave way which made me feel like this wasn't going to be a short call. "I wanted to see if you were available to come in today for some more tests."
"More tests?" I asked. "What about the first ones?" Images of blocked heart valves and cancer presented themselves on my mental screen.
"Yes, well, I wanted to discuss the results with you in person. There was a bit of a … well, an inconsistency, and I didn't want to upset you—"
"Upset me!?" I blurted, my free hand flying out over the steering wheel, swerving my car toward the curb. I corrected, then lowered my voice, "sorry, I don't mean to be …" be, what? This is completely absurd. "Could you at least give me some indication of what's wrong with me? I'm just kind of panicking here."
The doctor was quiet for a moment, then returned. "Sorry, Josie, I didn't mean to spook you. Both the X-ray scan and CT scan are picking up interference which is unusual. It's possible it's just a flaw on our end, so that's why we wanted you to come back in—to do an MRI and really verify what the issue is. This one would be free of charge and we'd get you results same-day as we feel bad about the issues with the machinery. Do you think that would be possible?"
I took a deep breath. I still felt uneasy, but at least now there was some kind of explanation I could lean on. "Okay, yeah, I can come in. I have class until 9:50AM, but I can drive over after and be there around 10:15, 10:20-ish. Would that work?"
"That would work great. We'll see you then."
I spent the whole of my communications class thinking about what could be wrong with me, doodling my ideas down on a notebook. Heart disease. Cancer. Some kind of peptic ulcer. Maybe it was the pill? The drinking? Was this some kind of cosmic retribution? I didn't know.
An hour later I was back at the hospital. I expected to be ushered into the MRI prep room, but instead I found myself in one of the normal patient rooms, sitting upright on a bed. The nurse did the preliminary height and weight measurements and medical history. I asked about the MRI, but all she said was that the doctor will discuss that with me. Before she left, she handed me an assessment to fill out. It seemed to be a list of questions about the medical history of my family, specifically about our mental health. Does your family have a history of Schizophrenia? Have there been any instances of domestic abuse? Did you have vivid nightmares as a child? Etc. I marked the boxes, then set the clipboard down.
At last I heard the fated knock on the door, and my doctor came in holding an Ipad. The door was only open for maybe a couple seconds, but I could see multiple nurses and technicians peeking their heads in my direction, as if they were trying to catch a glimpse of me. That can't be good.
"Hello, Josie," the doctor said and clicked on the little TV screen. He didn't even look at me. I could see dried sweat along his hairline.
"What's happening? I thought I was going to get an MRI…"
"Well, actually we aren't sure if that's the best course of action." the doctor said as he clicked the screen and pulled up a series of images.
"Can you look at me, please?" I snapped.
The doctor raised his head and tilted it in my direction. His mouth was agape, his eyes wide as if only realizing I was here at that moment. "I'm sorry, Josie." He took a deep breath, preparing some kind of canned presentation, then let it out and said, "It's just easier if I show you." He pulled up the first global image from what I presume was my CT scan. It was a front-shot. I could see my organs as little geometric shapes and—
"Wait, what is that?" I asked, pointing at the screen.
"That—is the problem."
I spent the next minute just staring at it. Somehow, in between all of the organs, there was some kind of cylindrical mass—I thought it was my spine at first but quickly realized it was too wide and there weren't any vertebrae—and at the head of the mass was, very clearly, a hand.
"What the fuck is that" I said in a tone that was at once forceful and pointed.
"It appears," the doctor started, looking away again. "It appears that there is a mechanical hand in your chest cavity. It's attached to a piece of a forearm that begins at your stomach, here," he pointed, "and continues up until, well, it appears to be holding your heart."
Ten seconds passed in silence. Then I was hit with the equivalent of the laughing gas they give you at the Dentist's office. All the blood in my body surged to my forehead and I felt light as the very thin hospital air. "Hahaha!!! You expect me to believe that? What kind of fucking clown-show hospital is this? Am I at the circus?' I stood up and started toward the door. The doctor body blocked me.
"Please, Josie, that isn't it."
"Oh?" I said sarcastically. "Please, do tell."
"Could you have—oh, okay, okay,, let me explain."
I stood there with my arms folded, unrelenting.
"When we first had you do the X-ray there was a big blur. It was clear that something was blocking us from seeing the image. The CT scan was able to take some actual pictures of it. I know it seems, well, unusual—"
"Wait, what the hell is that?" I asked, gesturing toward the clipboard.
"What?" The doctor looked disoriented.
"Those questions. Are you trying to insinuate that my mom and dad implanted some kind of mechanical hand in my body?"
"No," the doctor raised his hands. "We were just trying to gather some more information… Josie," the doctor said as I once again headed for the door handle. "Please, there's more. From the blood test we conducted it seems that you're pregnant."
I was so done. "I'm on the pill, asshole." I sneered and swung the door open, ignoring the sets of eyes trained on me as I scurried to the end of the hall, ran outside, and climbed into my car. I expected to see a bunch of people in white coats running after me, but there was no one. I started the car as tears began to stream from my eyes. Fuck them, I thought and sped out of the parking lot.
I couldn't return to my apartment. I ended up driving for hours, working my way back to my hometown. I spent a long time thinking about all the things I had experienced growing up. The stomach pain, slowly working its way up to my chest. The vivid dream of the surgeon feeling around my guts. Was it really that crazy to think my body was trying to tell me something? Why had I decided against having a CT scan all those years ago? Why now? I didn't—couldn't believe what was happening to me. But was that just because I didn't want to believe it?
And then there was the pregnancy. I was definitely on the pill. I knew it wasn't Kev's, or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. We haven't been having sex for a little over a month now. But did that mean that something else didn't impregnate me? My paranoia was at its peak. I considered the possibility that maybe it was me that was Schizophrenic. None of this made any sense. I wanted my dad. I missed him. I considered going to see my mom, but despite making up with her, I still didn't feel close enough to her to own up to everything. I wanted to be alone—needed to be alone.
I ended up getting a Motel about 10 minutes away from my house. It was around 1AM when I finally opened the door to my room and laid down on the bed. After hours of thinking, a single thought occurred to me like a kind of defense mechanism: if I really am pregnant, I'm not keeping the baby. I want it out.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard the notification sound go off on my phone, which was odd since I was sure I had set it to vibrate. I turned and grabbed it, unplugging it from its charging dock. I had received a text message from an unknown, 5-digit number: 66669. This is what it said.
66669: If you terminate my baby, I will crush your heart.
***
I haven't been able to sleep since. It's now 6AM and I've drafted this as a cry for help. Please, let me know what you think I should do. I'm too "in it" to see the details clearly. I feel alone and scared and paranoid. Someone or something is watching me. Maybe it has been my whole life.

Recently I decided to gave sobriety a real chance and now I have thoughts looking back on 6 months of sobriety, which I want to share. More recently, I started drinking again, which I'm afraid of. For some background, I have had around 15 years of what I would call “higher-than-normal” alcohol use, often peaking to very high levels and sometimes what I would call crisis levels. Sometimes I wish the crisis levels would have been higher so that I could have better identified them earlier. I generally enjoy alcohol and strive to be in a state where I am completely altered from my sober self: which is a person who is funny and a joy to be with. I think my sober self is rather harsh and negative, and not someone that anyone would want to spend time with.
I believe that a lot of my personal negativity came from my studies in International Realtions, and readings on wars, slavery, and colonialization. Utlimately you will have to decide based on the account below. My alcohol use would average around 5 pints of strong beer (~7.5%), or about 2 bottles of red wine. Sometimes it would get higher than I could count.
Alcohol use starting in 2023
Early in 2023, around march, I decided to stop drinking for a reason I can’t remember, and I had a good 2 months being alcohol-free. During that time I also decided to try out Betterhelp (tm) for a month or two and find a counselor with experience in addication. However, I had already set my mind on sobriety before I sought out the counselor, and she was just there to support my journey.
After 2 sucessful months of soberiety I received some bad news about a job I was excited about, and I was back to drinking for about 5 months. I would drink on average my usual quantity about 3-4 times per week, which was actually an improvement from before. In late September, the 5^th month, I started to read something that would be very important.
*Below I am about to summarize poorly a book by an expert on a subject which I am not an expert on. Please consult this book or other experts on sleep if you have any questions.
When I finally read the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker, something finally clicked about the damage alcohol was doing to my sleep, and why quality sleep was important for both phsyical and mental health. Most importantly, according to Walker, because of alcohol’s quality as a sedative, it puts you into a state of sedation, but this is only the first stage of the very important sleep pattern that our minds have evolved to use. The most important stage of our sleep, the NREM (non-rapid eye movement) sleep, which is our particular variant, is blocked in a state of sedation. During a sedated state, you are only experiencing a very low state of sleep that is ultimately useless and will result in feeling tired and a lack of sleep the next day.
Have you ever heard anyone say any variant of: ‘I can’t sleep without alcohol’? They are sedating themselves, and ultimately the lack of good sleep will catch up with them. But they probably can’t perceive it at that moment.
So finally I decided to stop in early October of 2023. What happened during those 6 months? During the first 3 months I started dreaming again. I started fairly well as far as work is concerned also. After only a few weeks, lo and behold, my sleep improved drastically and I began to dream like I had not for a long time. No longer did I think about how tired I was all the time, and finally I was able to devot time to the things that I wanted to.
Alcohol use in 2024
Eventually, January came around. January started great (and I actually regularly hit the gym during this time), but something else was missing. I began to feel a real absence in my life, and I wasn’t hesitant to tell those around me about it.
After the death of an aunt and a week of getting involved in an old past-time of video games, I was lost. A game by an independent developer with passion for his craft created Songs of Syx, which lets you build and manage a city of thousands of people with several different races of different creatures with their own preferences and personalities. Who could resist?
I love art. I love (some) video games, and consider them a form of art, but now I cannot deny that games can become a sort of addication as well.
But this and other less interesting distractions came at the cost of my personal growth. Soon I was lost in distractions again whether they be good or bad. In March I started having dreams where I would drink again, albeit mildly. In April, we had the first very nice day in a very long time. I was finally feeling better, and I desired a beer.
I spent months in these distractions, thinking of calling out to the people who had supported by sobriety but too ashamed to tell them the reality of what I was actually doing. ‘Well, this is better than drinking,’ I had told myself. And in a way, it was. In another way, this replacement deprived me of what I really wanted. I started painting, and listening audiobooks while I painted. All this was great, but I still somehow felt empty inside.
In mid-April, I had a beer for the first time in six months. I had lost 10 kg, the alcohol was much more effecitive on me in producing creativity. Everything felt right again! Until the next morning, when I essentially lost a day, which would be a prelude to several upcoming lost days…
So why did I start drinking again? A bit due to genetics, I’m fairly certain. In part because the weather was nice, and the thought that having a beer would be nice. In large part I’m certain that I wanted to be released from the negative thoughts that I have to deal with by myself. In my situation, there’s nothing better than seeing smiling faces and shaking a bunch of hands, and alcohol helps me feel that joy on my end, so that it’s not just a forced smile from my end but a genuine one. And that is a nice feeling.
My own health be damned for the moment, I suppose. But the feeling of connection is enough to keep me going. My only current hope is that I have at least demonstrated that I am sincerely commited to joining my lacent sober desire for connection with my my stupid drunk execution of it.
Appendix: On drinking and creativity
I’ve always told myself that I have the ‘Mark Twain’ syndrome when it comes to drinking. Mark Twain is a considered a classic among American authors, and he was known to drink a lot, especially while writing. I also like to drink and write, and I often do while my sober self is less productive. Now I have to ask myself at this point in my mid-30s, where are the publications? Where are the books? I have one co-authorship on a publication in an economics journal.
Was this ‘Mark Twain’ syndrom a lie that I told myself to continue drinking? As for Mark Twain and other writers who were infamous drinkers, were they brilliant because of or in spite of their drinking? Does the same hold for other drug use like pot smoking?
My personal thoughts are that any drug, whether it be alcohol or methanphetamine, gives its primary benefits near the start of use, but when an addiction starts to develop the creative potential of the drug drowns in just desire for the drug. Some people are apparently able to keep themselves in the state of "desire for the drug" which they are able to harness for creativity, but I have come to think the more likely outcome of the drug use is addiction and waste of creative potential.

Hey people. I wanted to share my long ass story about how nitrous used to be one of my most favorite things in the world and now my relationship with it is complicated and twisted.
A lot of this will tackle interpersonal relationship dynamics, but I’m trying to illustrate to the reader the progression of how this drug took my ex’s mind. This is more of a thorough essay about my experience than a rant. When I was going through what I went through at the time, I wished there was a story like this out there to help me know better and understand. This is how I watched the love of my life melt away his brain on this drug.
I will try and keep this brief, but it probably won't be. I wish to convey the addictiveness this drug can have and the toll it can take on your mind and body. In the summer of 2022 I met my then bf who introduced me to the rave scene and drug scene he was a part of. He really only used K and Nitrous (which I will refer to as N going forward). He told me about his 1.5 years of being addicted to K, but did not inform me of his also 1.5 years (at the time) addiction to N. He told me after meeting me he didn’t want to abuse K anymore so as far as I knew when we started dating he got better about that.
It all started very early in the relationship. We went to a weekend festival together and both found doing N together was so fun. We continued on using and abusing N every weekend, and sometimes many weekdays. Probably going through 6 or 8+ tanks a week, this went on for like 3 months. Sadly, I do look back on those days fondly, despite what would happen later down the line. We had so much fun together and yes sadly it bonded us in this weird way. Using it causes you to feel more open and positive in the beginning, and we had so many heartfelt and deep conversations. And it felt like a little special world we could go into together.
At the time I had no clue how much those small-medium sized tanks cost ($65 and up for just one where we live). And he never told me how much they cost, and didn’t ask me to chip in, so I had no idea he was throwing himself into financial ruin buying them all the time. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t ask, I just figured they were only $25 or something, or his friend was giving them to him, and I was aware it was probably a poor financial decision, but figured he could bounce back after the summer. You have to understand I thought I had him figured out, but I didn’t really know him that well at this point, or know about the drug scene at all. Before this I really only drank and smoked weed with the occasional cid or shrooms trip.
Three months into us dating and abusing N we come to the conclusion we just need to stop and take a break from N as this had all become quite excessive. Still he doesn’t explain to me how much debt he is in from buying all of those tanks over the summer. Two months into the break and he’s starting to crack, asking for me to be okay with us using it regularly. I tell him that I think it’s okay for us to just do it once and awhile. It was hard to not cave in because truthfully I missed it as well, I myself was starting to feel the addictiveness of this drug, so I reserved it so that I only ever did it with him. We go back to doing it occasionally on the weekends. Over the span of 1 month my bf started to constantly complain of having nerve issues, his feet and legs and hands were numb, I also noticed that he seemed really depressed. This is when he started to experience the vitamin B deficiency, although both me and him didn’t realize this at the time.
Around this time is when he finally and unceremoniously reveals to me how much these things actually cost. This is the tricky aspect of his personality I would go on to experience more of. It was clear he was resentful towards me, that I had no idea how much money he was spending, but the reality is if I had known how much those things cost I would have ended it a lot sooner. I didn’t even understand how he had the ability to spend so much money, I don’t even want to do the math. I would find out later he would just take out credit cards and max them out. In addition to him doing them with me occasionally, he was also doing them behind my back, which I had caught him doing several times and was always forgiving over this.
So, because of this constant spending he was in a substantial amount of debt. What he told me at the time was around $6,000. Knowing him, this was probably a generous assessment. This is definitely a point in the story where I should have left him. Clearly he was developing this addiction towards N and spent an ungodly amount of money that was beyond even my comprehension. But, I was head over heels and believed that he could figure this out. People go into debt all the time, I would tell myself. But I told him, this all needed to outright stop. No more N, not even occasionally. Unfortunately while he of course agreed to my face I have to suspect now, he was doing it behind my back all the time. Around this time he wouldn’t come home from work until 7 or 7:30 which didn’t make sense as his hours at work would fluctuate from time to time, but he was usually always off at 5. He would lie and say his work was very busy and made him stay later, which I believed at the time.
Maybe about a month later we are in bed together sleeping, it’s the middle of the night. He wakes me up and explains he literally cannot feel his feet or legs and has been having trouble walking for the past several days. I take him to the ER that night. This night and the following weeks after were some of the most heartbreaking and emotionally terrifying times of my life so far. At this time neither of us had any idea or reason to suspect N was the reason for this. We actually talked to the doctor there and ran tests for over 3 hours, he got an MRI and a spinal tap which was so hard to watch being done to him. It wasn’t until I desperately did research on my phone in the hospital room and suddenly see all of these remarks and reddit posts and studies about N causing paralysis and nerve damage. I tell my bf and the doctor and they have no trouble assessing that is what is causing this. They give him a regiment of vitamin B shots as you typically do in this situation. The doctor even said that they hope they can stop permanent damage from happening, because if not he may lose control of his legs and it may spread to his pelvic area (IE dick don’t work) etc, he had to do physical therapy and see a drug counselor.
The following days and weeks after I was constantly on edge worrying and wondering if my bf and love of my life would lose his ability to walk. Thankfully, the treatment took and he didn’t even end up needing physical therapy. This is when I truly believe or would like to hope he actually quit and wasn’t doing N behind my back. Unfortunately it wouldn’t matter, as I’ve learned, a lot of symptoms of N abuse don’t show themselves until after you stop. Shortly after this event is when our relationship took a nosedive. He had also ditched the drug counselor. To compensate for no N he was drinking so often. He started to become aggressive and violent. I remember it all started in a fight where he got real close and in my face and stared me down to try and intimidate me. In a way it was both terrifying and laughable (because he’s only a few inches taller than me), I couldn’t even comprehend the kind of person he had turned into. After that came the months and months of never ending name calling, insults, degradation, and constant arguments over every little thing I did. He became so addicted to the high of his power trip of making me feel small and weak he would find any excuse to fly into a rage at me, even when we were tripping on mushrooms together.
Nothing was ever the same after that. We didn’t go out, didn’t do dates, and every activity together felt like it was all a big chore to him. I could look in his eyes and see he was constantly thinking about N, and when he would do it next. He really changed, and what I am now realizing is he was probably starting to experience the effects of pure brain damage. My close friends who knew him even agree with me that there is a huge change in his demeanor around this time in April of 2023.
I also want to add more info about his bizarre behavior. He started to develop an unhealthy obsession with social media, scrutinizing what I posted and what he posted. He started to obsess over current events of any kind, any breaking story or ongoing conflict and he would rant and rant about the current state of the world and destruction of humanity all the time. He started to get obsessed with mental health and psychology and pathologize me and himself and other people in our lives. He would send me 10 videos everyday about mental health and relationships and expect me to reply and have a response for every single one like a book report. This obsession with the destruction of humanity turned into a paranoia about the world, he would often say no one understands him, and he is all alone. He turned on his best friends of several years because he was paranoid they were racists or had bad morals (they were all pleasant and nice people who enjoy edgy humor from time to time). There was no more middle ground for anything, you either loved something fully, or hated it fully. Somewhere down the line he actually got his account banned on Instagram for the craziest reason. He couldn’t stop or control himself from having heated arguments with random strangers in comments sections, of almost any video of any topic. He would insult people there constantly.
Here is another big mistake I made.I allowed him to live with me, and we moved in together. At this point we had been dating for a year. Before this I lived on my own and didn’t want to renew my lease, and he was living with his dad who was abusive and financially took advantage of him. At the time I was convinced that this bad behavior would go away if he could get away from his dad and his toxic household. Well the toxicity only followed. That summer we went to another weekend festival and he revealed to me when we got there he had purchased N and brought it. I was so conflicted as I myself had missed it quite a lot, and I had to deny myself my healthy regulated usage of it in order to not trigger him. I caved again and said we could do it only for this weekend. You may not at all be surprised to learn it didn’t end that way.
After the festival everything truly fell apart. He continued to buy tanks of N and do them behind my back constantly. He would say he was just going to his car to talk to his friends, or his mom, and be gone for hours. Because he was totally abusing me and I had no idea because I was under his spell of manipulation, I had no recourse. Any comment of mine asking why he was gone for so long, why can’t he just talk to his friends inside our apartment, I’ll go in the other room for privacy, was only met with complete indifference. These questions only pissed him off. He would say it’s because I was so exhausting and demanding he needed a break from me. When I would call him when he’s on one of these “excursions,” he would every so often mute the call while I was talking or in a silent moment. I eventually realized he was hitting the tank every time he muted himself. When I finally called him out on this he gaslit me and told me he just does this all the time because he coughs and clears his throat, fyi he had never done this before in our relationship. Because I had no recourse I just had to agree and move on. And because his mind was deteriorating more and more each day he would go on to make randomly muting himself in calls as a common, thing so as to keep up the facade he told me. Actual crazy behavior.
He even started doing K again, he would clearly be f-ed out of his mind by both K and N, and stumble around our apartment with crazy red bulging eyes and again and again tell me he was just drunk. Around this time is when he finally divulges to me not only had he been abusing K for the 1.5 years before he met me, he had also been abusing N for 1.5 years before he met me. And it wasn’t actually the case that he only “began” to become addicted to N when we started dating and doing it together. This really started to put a lot into perspective for me, and it made sense how he had almost paralyzed himself over this, now at this current time 3+ year addiction to these substances, and it made me realize how psychologically and cognitively he was failing based on changes in his personality. You also have to understand he explained to me before he met me, he was doing 1.5-2 grams of K or more and N, EVERYDAY.
And still at this time the name calling, insults and manipulation continued. He of course was no longer experiencing any true “high” from the N anymore, it would just simply dull his senses. It was like a stereotypical violent alcoholic husband comes home from the bar and berates his wife, kind of situation, except with N. And I became obsessed with figuring out how to get him to stop and go back to the loving person I remembered meeting and loving. I began to do very toxic things, going through his backpack, going through his car, and constantly always finding tanks and balloons and all kinds of paraphilia everywhere. I would find tanks in our recycling bin, like he actually thought I wouldn’t notice. I would come home late from being with friends and catch him passed out on the couch with an empty tank in his hand. He couldn't be left alone anymore. If he wasn’t with me, 100% of the time he was sitting in his car doing N. At this point in time there was no forgiveness, I was completely broken. I would yell and scream at him or wake him up and demand he stop and choose me or the drugs, all terrible things to be doing. I know that.
Eventually it got so bad I felt I had no other recourse other than to call and inform his mother of his behavior and what he had been doing all this time. Me doing this is probably what saved his life, as there was never anyway I was going to get through to him myself. But it did not save his mental health. Even having his mother involved didn’t stop any of it. He still went out and bought it behind my back like nothing happened. Another painful painful aspect of how his personality had changed is he would constantly have crazy back and forth mood swings, one minute showing me the sweet man I had fallen in love with, thanking me and praising me for having stepped in and put a stop to this, the next minute he hated me and I was the worst thing in his life and I could never tell what was even real anymore.
But did I leave, oh no, that would have been the smart thing to do.Instead at the time I was seeing a therapist who also specializes in couples therapy. I get us started with counseling and during our second session he gets called out by my therapist and yells and screams and berates her, it was actually insane. That is when things really ended between us. He moved out and moved into his moms apartment 30 minutes away that night. Even though the breakup was traumatizing and painful I still had hope that even if he isn’t with me, now he will receive help from his mother. Well, she didn’t place him in any special drug counselor program or rehab, she just severely cut off his finances so that he could pay off his debts, which she had bought back from several banks so it would not gain more and more interest. I do believe now his debt may be somewhere in the $10,000-$20,000 range. So now he, as an almost 30 year old man, needs to ask his mother in order to buy or purchase anything. Somehow, despite all of this I would learn he was continuing to do N and K.
Amazingly, we still tried briefly to even make our relationship work after he moved out. At this point he has mastered the art of manipulation and being fake, and convinced me he was getting better, he had even started to look better too, but he was still up to his old BS. He came over to the apartment once for us to have a mini date. Because he went on and on about how he was getting more and more into walks he said he was going to take a quick stroll around the block to get some fresh air. Well a quick stroll turns into 30 minutes, and I start to notice his car is gone from our street. I call him and he says now he is sitting in his car talking to his mom, I tell him I don’t see his car and it’s been a long time, he clearly had left to buy N. He becomes irate and claims he simply moved his car down the block for “reasons” and I was in the wrong for being accusatory and not trusting him. P.S. I went down the block and he just was not there. This guy is either absolutely crazy or thinks I’m some kind of imbecile, or both. It basically ended from there.
We tried to be civil, but he cannot control himself from completely going ballistic on me anymore, or his mother. And it is so painful when he is remorseful and doesn’t remember all the things he said to me. At this point I have had to realize I am basically talking to and trying to reason with a mentally disabled person. The fun loving, easy going, creative, altruistic, thoughtful, smart and attentive man I met doesn’t exist anymore, and I don’t think he will ever come back. All that remains is the shell of a confused and angry person.
Some small things to address, how it came to be that he abused these drugs all the time before he met me is because his best friend was a drug dealer and in the beginning would give him all of these things for free. Once he was hooked and doing it everyday it seemed he would stop at no end to spend money and buy them. Yes K was definitely a contributor into his mild psychosis but I still think it would have happened even from the N abuse alone, based on research I’ve been doing lately. And yes I have to admit I think he had bad and malignant psychological traits before abusing drugs, and doing that made it all worse.
So that is the story of how I watched this man ruin his life, and scare away maybe the only person who could withstand experiencing all of his BS and still wanted to love and help him. There are SO MANY things I too should have done differently. There is also an age gap between us of 3 years, so I naively thought he had a better handle on his life than he really did. I do find it hard to understand how people can be so addicted at times, but in the end like my ex, everyone is trying to chase some kind of feeling or experience that came with it, rather than the drug itself.
Thank you for reading if you made it to the end.
TLDR: Two years ago I started dating a guy who wasn’t honest with me about his 1.5 years of Nitrous abuse before we started dating. He was a sweet and honest and caring man when I met him. Sadly most of our relationship was spent on doing lots of Nitrous together. He eventually developed health problems like a vitamin B deficiency and even almost got paralysis and permanent nerve damage, which was hard for me to watch and witness. His health issues didn’t deter him away from Nitrous and he was constantly buying tanks and doing it behind my back. The more he abused Nitrous the more abusive towards me he became as a person. Our relationship crumbled and not even getting his mom involved helped. He was also clearly experiencing psychosis and mental deterioration. We broke up because he yelled and screamed at my therapist and he had to move in with his mom. Moving in with his mom didn’t stop his addiction even though she cut off his finances.
Even when we tried to make the relationship work he still abused it anyway. I would now consider him a mentally disabled person and I don’t recognize who he even is anymore after 3+ years of abusing Nitrous almost everyday. Please use Nitrous responsibly or don't at all.

A friend of mine posted the following wall of text on Facebook. I feel the need to respond somehow but I’m not sure what to say. All these years later I still fear Hell and this post bothers me on a moral level.
Should I counter with “why would a loving god do this?” Should I refute the quotes which I doubt? Should I ask why Christians seem to relish the idea of people going to Hell?

“FAMOUS ATHEISTS' LAST WORDS BEFORE DEATH: 1. ANTON LEVEY—Author of the Satanic Bible and high priest of the religion dedicated to the worship of Satan. One of his famous quotes was: “There is a beast in man that needs to be exercised, not exorcised”. His dying words were: "Oh my, oh my, what have I done, there is something very wrong. . . there is something very wrong.”

1. GANDHI—At his death, he said, “For the first time in 50 years, I find myself in the slough of despond. All about me is darkness. . .I am praying for light.”
   
2. THOMAS PAYNE—The leading atheistic writer in American colonies: "Stay with me, for God's sake; I cannot bear to be left alone , O Lord, help me! O God, what have I done to suffer so much? What will become of me hereafter? I would give worlds if I had them, that The Age of Reason had never been published. 0 Lord, help me! Christ, help me! No, don't leave; stay with me! Send even a child to stay with me; for I am on the edge of hell here alone. If ever the Devil had an agent, I have been that one."
   
3. SIR THOMAS SCOTT—Chancellor of England: "Until this moment I thought there was neither a God nor a hell. Now I know and feel that there are both, and I am doomed to perdition by the just judgment of the Almighty."
   
4. VOLTAIRE—famous anti-christian atheist: "I have swallowed nothing but smoke. I have intoxicated myself with the incense that turned my head. I am abandoned by God and man.” He said to his physician, Dr. Fochin: “I will give you half of what I am worth if you will give me six months of life." When he was told this was not possible, he said “Then I shall die and go to hell!" His nurse said: “For all the money in Europe I wouldn’t want to see another unbeliever die! All night long he cried for forgiveness.”
   
5. ROBERT INGERSOLL—American writer and orator during the Golden Age of Free Thought: "O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!" Some say it was said this way: "Oh God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul, from hell, if there be a hell!
   
6. DAVID HUME—Atheist philosopher famous for his philosophy of empiricism and skepticism of religion: He cried loud on his death bed "I am in flames!" It is said his desperation was a horrible scene.
   
7. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE—French emperor who, like Adolf Hitler, brought death to millions to satisfy his greedy, power-mad, selfish ambitions for world conquest: "I die before my time, and my body will be given back to the earth. Such is the fate of him who has been called the great Napoleon. What an abyss between my deep misery and the eternal kingdom of Christ!”
   
8. SIR FRANCIS NEWPORT—Head of an English Atheist club, to those gathered around his deathbed: "You need not tell me there is no God, for I know there is one, and that I am in his presence! You need not tell me there is no hell. I feel myself already slipping. Wretches, cease your idle talk about there being hope for me! I know I am lost forever! Oh, that fire! Oh, the insufferable pangs of hell! Oh, that I could lie for a thousand years upon the fire that is never quenched, to purchase the favor of God and be united to Him again. But it is a fruitless wish. Millions and millions of years will bring me no nearer the end of my torments than one poor hour. Oh, eternity, eternity forever and forever! Oh, the insufferable pangs of Hell!”
   
9. CHARLES IX—The French king. Urged on by his mother, he gave the order for the massacre of the French Huguenots, in which 15,000 souls were slaughtered in Paris alone and 100,000 in other sections of France, for no other reason than that they loved Christ. The guilty king suffered miserably for years after that event. He finally died, bathed in blood bursting from his veins. To his physicians, he said in his last hours: "Asleep or awake, I see the mangled forms of the Huguenots passing before me. They drop with blood. They point at their open wounds. Oh! That I had spared at least the little infants at the bosom! What blood! I know not where I am. How will all this end? What shall I do? I am lost forever! I know it. Oh, I have done wrong."
   
10. DAVID STRAUSS—Leading representative of German rationalism, after spending a lifetime erasing belief in God from the minds of others: "My philosophy leaves me utterly forlorn! I feel like one caught in the merciless jaws of an automatic machine, not knowing at what time one of its great hammers may crush me!"
    
11. JOSEF STALIN—Soviet Georgian revolutionary and politician. In a Newsweek interview with Svetlana Stalin, the daughter of Josef Stalin, she told of her father's death: "My father died a difficult and terrible death. . .God grants an easy death only to the just. At what seemed the very last moment, he suddenly opened his eyes and cast a glance over everyone in the room. It was a terrible glance, insane or perhaps angry. His left hand was raised, as though he were pointing to something above and bringing down a curse on us all. The gesture was full of menace. . .the next moment he was dead."
    
12. CAESAR BORGIA—Italian nobleman, politician, and cardinal: "While I lived, I provided for everything but death; now I must die, and am unprepared to die."
    
13. THOMAS HOBBS—Political philosopher: "I say again, if I had the whole world at my disposal, I would give it to live one day. I am about to take a leap into the dark."
    

BELOVED, compare these last words from atheists, with these last words, from these saints of God:
THE APOSTLE PAUL: “O death, where is thy sting?”
KING DAVID: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no Evil.”
AUGUSTUS MONTAGUE TOPLADY (1710-1778): Toplady will ever be famous as the author of one of the most evangelical hymns of the eighteenth century, "Rock of Ages," which was first published in 1776. During the final illness, Toplady was greatly supported by the consolations of the gospel: "The consolations of God, to so unworthy a wretch, are so abundant that he leaves me nothing to pray for but their continuance." Near his last, awaking from a sleep, he said: "Oh, what delights! Who can fathom the joy of the third heaven? The sky is clear, there is no cloud; come Lord Jesus, come quickly!" He died saying:"No mortal man can live after the glories which God has manifested to my soul."
Lastly, JESUS CHRIST said: “I Am the Resurrection and the Life. He that believeth on Me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.”
Only fools never learn from history, and it's amazing that even in our days, with all these facts on our fingertips, someone with a mind can devote his entire life to a delusion, and want everyone to know that there is no God. No wonder the bible says,
"Only fools say in their hearts, there is no God." (Psalm 14:1).“
Copied from Christian Page

Several people have approached me that they might have endometriosis. Lifelong warrior so thought I would share my tips and tricks I put together for my friends and family to share with you :) Hope this helps someone!
ENDOMETRIOSIS SURGERY FACTS

• EXCISION SURGERY! I cannot stress this one enough. If you have an ablation, it will grow back and likely quick (but consult with your doctors on your case 100%). Excision is when they cut it out vs. it gets burned off. You will have a better success rate and slow rate of growth if they excise. Not all cases can be depending on location so again, please talk with your doctor about your situation. This is not the same for everyone.
• If your doctor cannot do excision surgery. Skip and move on to the next! Trust me, well worth the time to research and find the right doctor. You will thank me later for this one too haha.
• Finding a doctor is stuff. Also tough to find resources. If you cannot find an Endometriosis specialist in your area who does excision, you may need to look out of state, but one tip is exploring gynecological oncologists. Some will take benign cases, but not all so do your research. But it’s a good avenue for help in your area or you want insurance coverage.
• Nanny’s Nook is a good resource for online information regarding endometriosis: https://nancysnookendo.com/
• Dr Seckin’s book called The Doctor Will See You Now is also worth the read (https://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Will-See-You-Endometriosis/dp/1681621126)
• Definitely look into Egg Freezing before doing any permanent surgeries. The ovaries are more intact when there is a uterus in place, so I recommend immediately following any excisions with Egg Freezing if you can and if it’s part of your plans. I found my AMH levels low (1.2) but still retrieved 25 eggs, so never be discouraged if this is your future planning path.
• My Symptoms: I experience bloating, constipation, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting as the main culprits. I have irregular periods in regards to the number of days and if it comes or not (even with an IUD). Pelvic pain is probably the worst of all since it accompanies these symptoms and is present a majority of the time. Others may have different symptoms, and there’s many others I didn’t list but wanted to paint the picture of some I’ve experienced.

ENDOMETRIOSIS LAPAROSCOPIC SURGERY (WHAT TO EXPECT)
PRE-SURGERY

• List of questions to ask your doctor
• Insurance Information and ID
• Necessary forms or paperwork the doctor requires
• Make sure any medical records are sent that would be relevant

POST-OP PREP

• Eat smaller meals and simple foods days beforehand. If bowel prep is necessary, they also recommend taking a laxative in the days leading up to help prep.
• Pack a bag! Not every surgery is an overnight stay but even if you have a day-of surgery, back an overnight bag. Here’s the essentials:
  • Phone/Headphones/iPad/Kindle/Books
  • Device Chargers
  • Medications that you currently take
  • Glasses (do not wear contacts day of)
  • An extra pair of underwear
  • Sanitary Pads or Always Discreet
  • Comfy pants with light elastic band around the waist
  • Non wired bra
  • Slip on shoes (this is clutch! Recommend slides -https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BL7LJKZW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1).
  • Layers - Sweatshirt, Long Sleeved Shirt etc. - Hospitals are cold!
  • Toothbrush and tooth paste
  • Hairbrush
  • Face wipes, wash cloth, small towel and bar of soap.

SPACE PREP

1. Make sure your bed or couch is prepped. I stayed on the first level for the first 2ish days before feeling well enough to stay upstairs.
2. I used a pregnancy pillow on the bed to help me stay on my back while sleeping and help you feel cozy.
3. Stock the house with foods that will be light for your stomach. Think soups and casseroles! Saltine crackers, broths, rices etc..
4. If you have a raised bed, get a step stool to assist. It’s best to sit on the side of the bed and slowly lay your upper body down while bringing your knees up and over to your back. You will need to use arm strength the first couple of days to get you up and over since you can’t use the abdomen.
5. Water and Beverages stocked at all times. I have a reusable water bottle and avoid carbonated beverages for the time being. They fill you with gas for the procedure so it may make those symptoms worse.
6. Netflix, Kindle, Puzzles, Craft Projects…visits with friends. Whatever makes the time pass, set it up ahead of time so it’s handy.
7. Items to Keep on Hand: Baby Wipes, heating pads, pads/diapers, candles, essential oils, things that smell good haha

BOWEL PREP
This is dependent on the type of surgery you are having, but its good to have Gatorade, Magnesium Citrate (liquid), laxatives and enemas on hand just in case you need these.
ON SURGERY DAY
It’s important to follow the instructions on what to stop taking and/or eating/drinking prior to the surgery. Wear comfy clothes (wide elastic waistband) and slides with cozy socks. Double check your to go bag and breath.
AT THE HOSPITAL

1. Do your check-ins and keep your people with you as long as you want.
2. Make sure to read all the consent forms and ask any questions upfront. Make any advance directives clear.
3. Just try to remain calm as there’s a lot of down time while they do intake. It is about 2 hours of prep before they bring you in for the surgery itself.
4. They will ask you the same questions over and over again, that’s normal and trust me, you want to confirm it’s all being done properly.
5. If you need something for anxiety, they will be sure to give you something if you ask :)
6. You will be wearing a gown, socks, funky underwear and a cool hair net haha wear the gown backward so you keep warm and keep the butt covered.
7. Vitals will happen and the anesthesiologist will come and speak with you to make sure they prep the right meds beforehand. Bring up any concerns here with them!
8. You may be wheeled or walked into surgery. I’ve only ever walked in and laid on the table myself.
9. They will then put the IV in your arm and sometimes will put on a mask, they will then ask you to count backwards and before you know it, you will be awake again!

RECOVERY

• You will wake-up and feel groggy. Totally normal and you will be in a different room. They will likely say a lot really quick about your surgery. Before leaving ask for them to walk through it or see if you can speak with the doctor again when clear headed. RECOMMENDED!
• Your throat will be sore, that’s normal from the tube.
• Just relax and sleep it off if you want, the goal is to be relaxed and pee once before leaving.
• Before you go, eat and drink and pass smoke urine. They’ll provide you with the meds and you’ll be good to go.
• Make sure someone brings you home after :)
• Make sure you have a bag for vomit in the car.
• Bring a small pillow that can be strapped between the car belt and you for maximum comfort on the trip home.
• Pain Med Management: This one is important. I messed up night one and didn’t take it soon enough and was in too much pain so make sure you stick to the schedule the doctors give you to ensure you are comfortable.
• Keep Walking: It seems unnatural to have a surgery then walk, but the sooner you get up and keep moving around the house, the better. Just avoid heavy lifting and immense bending like movements. Stairs are also ok but also consult with your doctor!
• Gas Build Up: I did feel pain in my shoulders from the gas. Just keep moving! It will help get that out of the system but this pain is normal.
• Relax and let people take care of you! Don’t be too quick to recover.
• Keep an eye out for fever, increased vaginal bleeding, or feeling terrible.
• Keep all post op appointments and follow all post op instructions!

ENDOMETRIOSIS MAINTENANCE
Here’s the tips and tricks I found helpful for maintaining my pain and symptoms (GI and back pain related):

1. Pelvic Floor Therapy: This is important for keeping the muscles in your pelvis healthy and strong to maintain your structure and also help manage pain. Consult with your doctor on whether this is right for you.
2. Physical Therapy: I do PT for my back and pelvic floor since it’s all related. We focus on Myofascial Release Therapy to help break up the adhesions and give me more mobility. This helps with temporary pain relief (reduction in number), but that is always welcome :)
3. Acupuncture: I swear by Acupuncture. I don’t know what it does or why, but it works. It’s not a cure by any means, but it's great for relaxation, fertility, digestion, endometriosis, sleep, etc.. I can go on, but it’s not covered by insurance plans all the time so you will need to check and see what you’re able to take on.
4. Diet/Exercise:
   1. Eating high protein, lower fat/carbs (not none just low) helps your body, but overall learn your trigger foods! This will go a long way.
   2. Ginger, turmeric and fennel all help with bloating. I like to drink them in tea form when I’m feeling particularly hard stomached as it’s a good natural way to decrease the bloat. Peppermint also works for some, for me it irritates my GERD.
   3. Chamomile for relaxation
   4. Walking and movement are important. I cannot do anything high impact due to my sacroiliitis diagnosis, so I stick with light yoga and walking.
5. Alcohol/Other Substances: Don’t do it. Don’t touch it. You’ll thank me later on this point.
6. Sleep: Insomnia is a very real thing. I think I went 2 or 3 days at its worst one time and I cannot say enough how important trying to keep the same sleep schedule will benefit you. Waking and sleeping around the same time each day will still feel exhausting but at least you know your body is getting the most sleep it can get.
7. Medications/Supplements:
   1. Ibprofuern: This does NOT work for me. I have GERD and ulcers so I cannot take NSAIDs, but with that in mind, NSAIDs are supposedly the best pain medication over the counter to help you manage it.
   2. Pain Killers: These are AS NEEDED. I try to refrain and leave these for the TRULY bad days which I try to spread out. Not even worth it sometimes, because I don’t like how I feel and sometimes vomit after taking them. But they do help the pain!
   3. IUD/Orilissa: An IUD will NOT do anything. If you are diagnosed, ask your doctor about Orilissa or similar medicines instead of birth control methods. This will not stop the growth, just suppress it. There are side effects and it is only a short term solution.
   4. Linzess: This worked well for me for constipation symptoms when they got severe. Definitely recommend bringing this to your doctor if you’re truly suffering and they have not yet mentioned. I also resorted after trying magnesium citrate
   5. CBD Lotions/Salves: For my pelvis, I use Healing Rose CBD Salve in Orange and Lavender (https://www.thehealingroseco.com/product/orange-lavender-with-chamomile-herbal-salve-300mg-cbd/). For my back, I use a medical grade CBD lotion with menthol (https://cbdclinic.co/clinical-strength-series/). I also use a CBD massage oil from Healing Rose of the same scent when doing myofascial release at home. I also use Somedays Cramp Cream (https://somedays.com/products/period-cramp-cream?variant=42062153842853).
8. Heating Pads and Ice Pack: I have several varieties of heating pads. A cordless travel heating pad (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09FPTJL4G?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details), a plug-in heating pad (lhttps://www.hsn.com/products/pure-enrichment-purerelief-xxl-heating-pad-with-9-cord/22188460) and stick on patches (https://www.thermacare.com/ - I use the back patches but reverse them to the front for better coverage). For hot flashes and night sweats (also if you need to relax while anxious) place an ice pack over your chest to help cool or calm down.
9. Self-Care: No joke, massages, facials, epsom salt baths, sound baths, reiki….anything that you find relaxing. Do it. Try it! They also make CBD bath bombs Ive been wanting to check out.
10. TENs Machine: I really want one, don’t have one, but people swear by them (the heating pad linked to MyObi has a TENs version - https://myobistore.com/en-us/collections/my-obi-belts/products/apollo-2-0).
11. Pregnancy Pillow: This one sounds so lame, but I bought a pregnancy pillow for my first endometriosis surgery since I’m a side sleeper to help keep me on my back during recovery. It changed by life! It helps my anxiety and makes me comfortable while sleeping. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08YYVRXLM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1)..
12. Heated Blankets/Cozy Blankets: Make yourself feel better with a cozy blanket. Do it, I dare you!
13. Endo To-Go Bag: Includes heating pads (travel, plug-in and patches), medications, balms/salves, essential oils and pads/protection items, change of clothes, wet wipes.
14. Sex Life: I’m single, I don’t have a partner to worry about communicating this issue with at this point, but go slow and communicate given eventually this will have to be a conversation. What I have learned is that if you do have sex and feel pain. Immediately stop! If you associate sex with pain mentally in that moment, it may cause fear in doing so down the line so it’s best to stop the moment you feel any pain occur.
15. Work Life: I work a demanding job so it was not working with the appointments and care I needed to manage pain. Always get FMLA from your doctor for intermittent leave based on your company's policies. This protects you from flare-ups and appointments. Short Term Disability is based on your situation with work so talk with them about any leave of absence for surgery and recovery and ensure the medical providers fill out the paperwork appropriately.
16. Friends/Family: This one is the worst. I have to cancel and make plans all the time based on how I feel. I like to line up a bunch of plans for three months out and do my best to make them happen at the beginning of the month when I know I’m most likely to feel good. I just say I’ll make things up to them when I get better and those who have stuck around have been truly amazing friends, but don’t be upset that some might be over the day in and out of what you’re going through. It’s hard for you and sometimes others and it’s just a part of the relationships we’re meant to experience in life. Most people (unless they have endometriosis) don’t understand it so it can feel isolating, but there’s others out there who know what you’re going through and are willing to chat. Just gotta find them and reach out on social media, online etc..
17. Journaling Symptoms: Guilty of not being the best at this always, but it's good to track your symptoms to see how they work and operate. It helps not only you plan for it, but also your doctors in how best to handle your care. Take photos of things that make sense to show your doctors! Discharge, bowels etc..can sometimes help diagnose or judge with the images.
18. Next to Bed Kit: Make sure your nightstand is stocked with the essentials for your bad days. Makes it easier to access the items you need when you just can’t get up and get it.
19. Squatty Potty: Another thing that is majorly life changing on constipation days! Get one or you can make your own :) Take a stack of books and stack them at equal heights on each side and put your feet up. The trick is making sure you’re in a squat with your knees high to your ears.
20. Clothing: Dressing for this is key but you still want to look cute! Joggers with a stretchy waist are my go to pants, but wide leg trousers with a stretchy waist help with ease of removal but also comfort and brings some style to the look.
21. Pads: I wear Always Discreet vs. pads. I find when you need to wear them full time for incontinence it just makes it more comfortable. They have different cuts and styles so definitely check them out!

Several people have approached me that they might have endometriosis. Lifelong warrior so thought I would share my tips and tricks I put together for my friends and family to share with you :) Hope this helps someone!
ENDOMETRIOSIS SURGERY FACTS

• EXCISION SURGERY! I cannot stress this one enough. If you have an ablation, it will grow back and likely quick (but consult with your doctors on your case 100%). Excision is when they cut it out vs. it gets burned off. You will have a better success rate and slow rate of growth if they excise. Not all cases can be depending on location so again, please talk with your doctor about your situation. This is not the same for everyone.
• If your doctor cannot do excision surgery. Skip and move on to the next! Trust me, well worth the time to research and find the right doctor. You will thank me later for this one too haha.
• Finding a doctor is stuff. Also tough to find resources. If you cannot find an Endometriosis specialist in your area who does excision, you may need to look out of state, but one tip is exploring gynecological oncologists. Some will take benign cases, but not all so do your research. But it’s a good avenue for help in your area or you want insurance coverage.
• Nanny’s Nook is a good resource for online information regarding endometriosis: https://nancysnookendo.com/
• Dr Seckin’s book called The Doctor Will See You Now is also worth the read (https://www.amazon.com/Doctor-Will-See-You-Endometriosis/dp/1681621126)
• Definitely look into Egg Freezing before doing any permanent surgeries. The ovaries are more intact when there is a uterus in place, so I recommend immediately following any excisions with Egg Freezing if you can and if it’s part of your plans. I found my AMH levels low (1.2) but still retrieved 25 eggs, so never be discouraged if this is your future planning path.
• My Symptoms: I experience bloating, constipation, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting as the main culprits. I have irregular periods in regards to the number of days and if it comes or not (even with an IUD). Pelvic pain is probably the worst of all since it accompanies these symptoms and is present a majority of the time. Others may have different symptoms, and there’s many others I didn’t list but wanted to paint the picture of some I’ve experienced.

ENDOMETRIOSIS LAPAROSCOPIC SURGERY (WHAT TO EXPECT)
PRE-SURGERY

• List of questions to ask your doctor
• Insurance Information and ID
• Necessary forms or paperwork the doctor requires
• Make sure any medical records are sent that would be relevant

POST-OP PREP

• Eat smaller meals and simple foods days beforehand. If bowel prep is necessary, they also recommend taking a laxative in the days leading up to help prep.
• Pack a bag! Not every surgery is an overnight stay but even if you have a day-of surgery, back an overnight bag. Here’s the essentials:
  • Phone/Headphones/iPad/Kindle/Books
  • Device Chargers
  • Medications that you currently take
  • Glasses (do not wear contacts day of)
  • An extra pair of underwear
  • Sanitary Pads or Always Discreet
  • Comfy pants with light elastic band around the waist
  • Non wired bra
  • Slip on shoes (this is clutch! Recommend slides -https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BL7LJKZW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1).
  • Layers - Sweatshirt, Long Sleeved Shirt etc. - Hospitals are cold!
  • Toothbrush and tooth paste
  • Hairbrush
  • Face wipes, wash cloth, small towel and bar of soap.

SPACE PREP

1. Make sure your bed or couch is prepped. I stayed on the first level for the first 2ish days before feeling well enough to stay upstairs.
2. I used a pregnancy pillow on the bed to help me stay on my back while sleeping and help you feel cozy.
3. Stock the house with foods that will be light for your stomach. Think soups and casseroles! Saltine crackers, broths, rices etc..
4. If you have a raised bed, get a step stool to assist. It’s best to sit on the side of the bed and slowly lay your upper body down while bringing your knees up and over to your back. You will need to use arm strength the first couple of days to get you up and over since you can’t use the abdomen.
5. Water and Beverages stocked at all times. I have a reusable water bottle and avoid carbonated beverages for the time being. They fill you with gas for the procedure so it may make those symptoms worse.
6. Netflix, Kindle, Puzzles, Craft Projects…visits with friends. Whatever makes the time pass, set it up ahead of time so it’s handy.
7. Items to Keep on Hand: Baby Wipes, heating pads, pads/diapers, candles, essential oils, things that smell good haha

BOWEL PREP
This is dependent on the type of surgery you are having, but its good to have Gatorade, Magnesium Citrate (liquid), laxatives and enemas on hand just in case you need these.
ON SURGERY DAY
It’s important to follow the instructions on what to stop taking and/or eating/drinking prior to the surgery. Wear comfy clothes (wide elastic waistband) and slides with cozy socks. Double check your to go bag and breath.
AT THE HOSPITAL

1. Do your check-ins and keep your people with you as long as you want.
2. Make sure to read all the consent forms and ask any questions upfront. Make any advance directives clear.
3. Just try to remain calm as there’s a lot of down time while they do intake. It is about 2 hours of prep before they bring you in for the surgery itself.
4. They will ask you the same questions over and over again, that’s normal and trust me, you want to confirm it’s all being done properly.
5. If you need something for anxiety, they will be sure to give you something if you ask :)
6. You will be wearing a gown, socks, funky underwear and a cool hair net haha wear the gown backward so you keep warm and keep the butt covered.
7. Vitals will happen and the anesthesiologist will come and speak with you to make sure they prep the right meds beforehand. Bring up any concerns here with them!
8. You may be wheeled or walked into surgery. I’ve only ever walked in and laid on the table myself.
9. They will then put the IV in your arm and sometimes will put on a mask, they will then ask you to count backwards and before you know it, you will be awake again!

RECOVERY

• You will wake-up and feel groggy. Totally normal and you will be in a different room. They will likely say a lot really quick about your surgery. Before leaving ask for them to walk through it or see if you can speak with the doctor again when clear headed. RECOMMENDED!
• Your throat will be sore, that’s normal from the tube.
• Just relax and sleep it off if you want, the goal is to be relaxed and pee once before leaving.
• Before you go, eat and drink and pass smoke urine. They’ll provide you with the meds and you’ll be good to go.
• Make sure someone brings you home after :)
• Make sure you have a bag for vomit in the car.
• Bring a small pillow that can be strapped between the car belt and you for maximum comfort on the trip home.
• Pain Med Management: This one is important. I messed up night one and didn’t take it soon enough and was in too much pain so make sure you stick to the schedule the doctors give you to ensure you are comfortable.
• Keep Walking: It seems unnatural to have a surgery then walk, but the sooner you get up and keep moving around the house, the better. Just avoid heavy lifting and immense bending like movements. Stairs are also ok but also consult with your doctor!
• Gas Build Up: I did feel pain in my shoulders from the gas. Just keep moving! It will help get that out of the system but this pain is normal.
• Relax and let people take care of you! Don’t be too quick to recover.
• Keep an eye out for fever, increased vaginal bleeding, or feeling terrible.
• Keep all post op appointments and follow all post op instructions!

ENDOMETRIOSIS MAINTENANCE
Here’s the tips and tricks I found helpful for maintaining my pain and symptoms (GI and back pain related):

1. Pelvic Floor Therapy: This is important for keeping the muscles in your pelvis healthy and strong to maintain your structure and also help manage pain. Consult with your doctor on whether this is right for you.
2. Physical Therapy: I do PT for my back and pelvic floor since it’s all related. We focus on Myofascial Release Therapy to help break up the adhesions and give me more mobility. This helps with temporary pain relief (reduction in number), but that is always welcome :)
3. Acupuncture: I swear by Acupuncture. I don’t know what it does or why, but it works. It’s not a cure by any means, but it's great for relaxation, fertility, digestion, endometriosis, sleep, etc.. I can go on, but it’s not covered by insurance plans all the time so you will need to check and see what you’re able to take on.
4. Diet/Exercise:
   1. Eating high protein, lower fat/carbs (not none just low) helps your body, but overall learn your trigger foods! This will go a long way.
   2. Ginger, turmeric and fennel all help with bloating. I like to drink them in tea form when I’m feeling particularly hard stomached as it’s a good natural way to decrease the bloat. Peppermint also works for some, for me it irritates my GERD.
   3. Chamomile for relaxation
   4. Walking and movement are important. I cannot do anything high impact due to my sacroiliitis diagnosis, so I stick with light yoga and walking.
5. Alcohol/Other Substances: Don’t do it. Don’t touch it. You’ll thank me later on this point.
6. Sleep: Insomnia is a very real thing. I think I went 2 or 3 days at its worst one time and I cannot say enough how important trying to keep the same sleep schedule will benefit you. Waking and sleeping around the same time each day will still feel exhausting but at least you know your body is getting the most sleep it can get.
7. Medications/Supplements:
   1. Ibprofuern: This does NOT work for me. I have GERD and ulcers so I cannot take NSAIDs, but with that in mind, NSAIDs are supposedly the best pain medication over the counter to help you manage it.
   2. Pain Killers: These are AS NEEDED. I try to refrain and leave these for the TRULY bad days which I try to spread out. Not even worth it sometimes, because I don’t like how I feel and sometimes vomit after taking them. But they do help the pain!
   3. IUD/Orilissa: An IUD will NOT do anything. If you are diagnosed, ask your doctor about Orilissa or similar medicines instead of birth control methods. This will not stop the growth, just suppress it. There are side effects and it is only a short term solution.
   4. Linzess: This worked well for me for constipation symptoms when they got severe. Definitely recommend bringing this to your doctor if you’re truly suffering and they have not yet mentioned. I also resorted after trying magnesium citrate
   5. CBD Lotions/Salves: For my pelvis, I use Healing Rose CBD Salve in Orange and Lavender (https://www.thehealingroseco.com/product/orange-lavender-with-chamomile-herbal-salve-300mg-cbd/). For my back, I use a medical grade CBD lotion with menthol (https://cbdclinic.co/clinical-strength-series/). I also use a CBD massage oil from Healing Rose of the same scent when doing myofascial release at home. I also use Somedays Cramp Cream (https://somedays.com/products/period-cramp-cream?variant=42062153842853).
8. Heating Pads and Ice Pack: I have several varieties of heating pads. A cordless travel heating pad (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09FPTJL4G?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_product_details), a plug-in heating pad (lhttps://www.hsn.com/products/pure-enrichment-purerelief-xxl-heating-pad-with-9-cord/22188460) and stick on patches (https://www.thermacare.com/ - I use the back patches but reverse them to the front for better coverage). For hot flashes and night sweats (also if you need to relax while anxious) place an ice pack over your chest to help cool or calm down.
9. Self-Care: No joke, massages, facials, epsom salt baths, sound baths, reiki….anything that you find relaxing. Do it. Try it! They also make CBD bath bombs Ive been wanting to check out.
10. TENs Machine: I really want one, don’t have one, but people swear by them (the heating pad linked to MyObi has a TENs version - https://myobistore.com/en-us/collections/my-obi-belts/products/apollo-2-0).
11. Pregnancy Pillow: This one sounds so lame, but I bought a pregnancy pillow for my first endometriosis surgery since I’m a side sleeper to help keep me on my back during recovery. It changed by life! It helps my anxiety and makes me comfortable while sleeping. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08YYVRXLM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1)..
12. Heated Blankets/Cozy Blankets: Make yourself feel better with a cozy blanket. Do it, I dare you!
13. Endo To-Go Bag: Includes heating pads (travel, plug-in and patches), medications, balms/salves, essential oils and pads/protection items, change of clothes, wet wipes.
14. Sex Life: I’m single, I don’t have a partner to worry about communicating this issue with at this point, but go slow and communicate given eventually this will have to be a conversation. What I have learned is that if you do have sex and feel pain. Immediately stop! If you associate sex with pain mentally in that moment, it may cause fear in doing so down the line so it’s best to stop the moment you feel any pain occur.
15. Work Life: I work a demanding job so it was not working with the appointments and care I needed to manage pain. Always get FMLA from your doctor for intermittent leave based on your company's policies. This protects you from flare-ups and appointments. Short Term Disability is based on your situation with work so talk with them about any leave of absence for surgery and recovery and ensure the medical providers fill out the paperwork appropriately.
16. Friends/Family: This one is the worst. I have to cancel and make plans all the time based on how I feel. I like to line up a bunch of plans for three months out and do my best to make them happen at the beginning of the month when I know I’m most likely to feel good. I just say I’ll make things up to them when I get better and those who have stuck around have been truly amazing friends, but don’t be upset that some might be over the day in and out of what you’re going through. It’s hard for you and sometimes others and it’s just a part of the relationships we’re meant to experience in life. Most people (unless they have endometriosis) don’t understand it so it can feel isolating, but there’s others out there who know what you’re going through and are willing to chat. Just gotta find them and reach out on social media, online etc..
17. Journaling Symptoms: Guilty of not being the best at this always, but it's good to track your symptoms to see how they work and operate. It helps not only you plan for it, but also your doctors in how best to handle your care. Take photos of things that make sense to show your doctors! Discharge, bowels etc..can sometimes help diagnose or judge with the images.
18. Next to Bed Kit: Make sure your nightstand is stocked with the essentials for your bad days. Makes it easier to access the items you need when you just can’t get up and get it.
19. Squatty Potty: Another thing that is majorly life changing on constipation days! Get one or you can make your own :) Take a stack of books and stack them at equal heights on each side and put your feet up. The trick is making sure you’re in a squat with your knees high to your ears.
20. Clothing: Dressing for this is key but you still want to look cute! Joggers with a stretchy waist are my go to pants, but wide leg trousers with a stretchy waist help with ease of removal but also comfort and brings some style to the look.
21. Pads: I wear Always Discreet vs. pads. I find when you need to wear them full time for incontinence it just makes it more comfortable. They have different cuts and styles so definitely check them out!

So on 02/02/2023 I was involved in a car accident. I was the front passenger (21), my younger brother (19) was behind the driver (21) and the driver was a friend that I'd been to school with and good friends with for a few years. It was a swooping corner where the speed limit for the road was 50mph. I don't remember the accident because of the extent of my injuries, which I'll talk about further on, but my brother seems to remember it like it was yesterday. I'm not going to get into all the nits and grits because I'm not here to talk about that. From my brothers recollection she was going 60/65mph. Now this corner is a corner that most people take going about 35-40mph fastest so when it was hit with this speed, she lost control. The car flipped twice and caused driver and bro to pass out for a second. Now me, me on the other hand, I got fucked up. So, unconscious and the fire brigade had to cut me out. Ambulance got to me after that and I had a seizure in the ambulance. This is all on a corner 5 minutes away from my home, maybe not even that so my mum had quickly attended. The ambulance had to give me 4 pints of plasma and 4 pints of platelets on scene so, damn I've lost more than half of my blood on scene so yeah oof ok. I was unconscious the whole time, sent to the Trauma ER, thank god, and well that's where it begins in a way.
I'm sorry to bombard you guys with this as my first post, I've got accounts I just didn't want to put time into logging in. So, injuries I'll list em head to toe:- Major head trauma: Skull fracture, Right side perforated ear drum, Fractured spine (C6), Broken clavicle, Broken elbow, Broken ribs x2 (4L, 6R, I believe), Nerve damage of the entirety of my left side: Nerve damage to the eye caused double vision as the nerves in the eye couldn't move the eye as well, Due to the perforated ear drum I now require a hearing aid because it's damaged and doesn't work as well. I was in a coma for 5-7 days (can't remember how long),The major head trauma caused me to forget a good chunk of the year before and the memory loss got more sparse the further it went back so I remembered childhood shit but not much of 2022, Kind of most of 2021, then it drains off and None of 2023. I got a good amount of 2022 and 2023 given back to me through other people telling me memories. My family were all in the hospital within an hour, they were told by the doctors that they didn't know if I would survive but if I did that there was a high chance of me having a disability of some sort or not remember them. Even in ICU when I started to twitch and move the way my family's used to seeing me move, they'd always be like 'It might just be her reflexes' n shit like that.
This is where it gets deep. That's the first thing I had to learn to deal with, I had short term memory loss from the brain injury so I had to rely on the memory of others. Before the crash I was smoking weed, didn't have a reliable job that I wanted yet and I was free. I'd broken up with my first girlfriend of 4 years and I spent the whole of January finding girls to shag (I slept with 3 from after Christmas till the crash) and I had no commitments. Nada. I remember feeling fucked with not knowing what to do but feeling great about the fact I was free. It had it's ups and downs. After the crash I was in hospital till mid march, I got my neck brace off in Jul/Aug, I got a girlfriend in August (one of the ones from January that I'd been chatting to in hospital and shagged in my neck brace) and then come round to September I manage to have the energy for a few shifts at the pub. Then, since January, I've been working full time, 5 days a week at a Primary school. One thing that no one can understand is what it feels like to come from being that weak, so weak that anyone around you doesn't want you to carry anything to in the gym better than before. I look fine now. Believe it or not the only visible injuries that say I nearly died are my hearing aid, my neck scar from my hospital tube and a wonky broken finger (but that happened in hospital because the nurses weren't watching me when they were told 24/7 watching so it's fucked). I look fine but I'm not fine. I think part of what I'm sick of is people seeing that I've healed physically so they assume I'm fine and better than before but no, I'm worse. I feel worse than I did when I was fucked up, neck brace on 24/7, Oramorph at night as well as literally 12 other pills. 12 pills 3 times a day. No one will ever know what it was like to have to take all of that. They all had a purpose, every single one 3 times a day had a FUCKING PURPOSE. I'm only taking 4 a day now but that's because I've been diagnosed with ADHD and I'm taking meds for that. Only ones from hospital I'm still taking is Propanalol but I'm due for a review. All of these appointments. CT scan, MRI scan, finger check up, clean neck brace, get your hearing tested, do a teaching assistant course, learn to be a SEND teaching assistant on the job, check up for your health condition, confirm with the doctor you can drive. ALL THIS SHIT BECAUSE MY FRIEND OFFERED TO DRIVE AND I SAID YES, WHEN I WAS GOING TO DRIVE.
Moral of this is, if literally anyone has had anything similar or something they thing they should say about their experience that might help me with all of this. I'm not gonna read back through to check for grammar errors or make the story come across perfectly. At the moment it just feels like the only thing that's stopping me top myself is knowing I've got money coming my way. It's hard though because how far can someone be pushed until money isn't worth living for.