Desi aunty fuddi and mumma

• your Hindi/Urdu comes in clutch for those youtube videos on concepts you don’t know
  
• mummy ji lets u dissect goat organs so you can learn anatomy LMFAOOO, ngl tho this helped me in understanding heart chambers 💀💀
  
• always dealing with that one cousin who scored crazy high on the MCAT and trying to not seem dumb in front of him/her
  
• using desi parties to network and get shadowing with uncles
  
• avoiding the question “what are you doing now” in ur gap year by those nosey aunties/uncles.
  

Insert your desi moments below lmao.

hi everyone, this is going to be a long post but basically i (18F) met my now boyfriend/ex (19M) when i was 15 at a family friend's house. the day we met each other, it was like love at first sight. i remember the day i met him, i just knew that one day he was going to become important to me. for the next year and a half, i was obsessively crushing over him. i only saw him every couple of months when we would go to family friend parties. for context, we are both pakistani muslim so we only ever saw each other with other pakistani muslims. i went a little crazy and stalked him all over the internet, just because i wanted to see more of him. then one day in december of 2021, we both get invited to a mutual friend's 16th birthday party, where no aunties and uncles were allowed. i was so nervous because i didn't know many people at this party, and i knew he was going to be there and wanted to make a good impression. instead of being cute and social, i sat in the corner because i quite literally had no friends. i was so embarrassed because i thought he was going to think i was a loser. but instead, he came up to me and struck up a conversation. i was so shocked, this was officially the best thing that had ever happened to me. we ended up talking in the corner of the party for an hour and exchanged socials and numbers.
since that day, we texted every day. i was so happy, the guy i was crushing on for a year and a half actually liked me back. but, when my mom found out about this, she was mad. she told me to cut him off immediately, that she didn't like him and didn't want me to be associated with him in any kind of romantic way. i told her we were just friends, and that it was nothing to worry about because i was so excited to be talking to him i didn't want to let it go. i also genuinely thought that eventually she would warm up to it, and that she was just being protective because i was only 16. so we kept texting, and i downplayed how serious it was to my mom and brushed it off as friendly. seven months later, we decide we want to make things official. at this point, i knew my mom wasn't going to be happy with this, so i told him we have to hide it. he said he was ok with it because he really liked me, so we did. a couple weeks later my mom caught us falling asleep on facetime, and confronted me about how this definitely is not platonic anymore. i told her i really really really liked him, and she said she didn't care because she hated him. she wants me to be with someone who is going to become a doctor, and my bf is not on that track. i decided to lie and tell her i was cutting him off, and kept texting him behind her back. in the span of about a year, we got caught about 3 times, and every time i lied and said i cut him off.
fast forward to the end of 2023, we're both graduating high school and somehow still hiding this relationship. both extremely happy, finding a way to make things work even though we couldn't see each other. we still had date nights by watching movies together and giving each other gifts by making slideshows for each other about how much we love each other. sometimes, i would find ways to sneak around just to go see him for an hour. anyways, i found out i had earned a full ride scholarship with a 1% acceptance rate to the university he happened to be committed to. before earning this scholarship, i had plans to attend a college 3 hours away and to just keep doing long distance like we had been, but that he would visit every so often. but plans changed when i got the scholarship, and we were both going to college together and were finally able to be together in peace, since i had been unable to see him all this time. then, the summer before we go to college, his parents get a divorce, and other scandalous things happen that gave his family a bad reputation. this made things even worse, as my mom even further emphasized that i absolutely cannot have anything to do with him because of his family. i was heartbroken because this had nothing to do with our relationship, it was all family matters that was out of our hands. i decided to keep the relationship going because it had nothing to do with him as a person or our relationship, and we were attending the same college anyway.
we get to college and a lot of things go downhill for us. we had never been in a normal, in-person relationship and it took a lot of adjusting. both of us were immature and were not good at navigating this. on top of that, tensions with our parents were getting worse and worse. my mom inserted herself into all the drama with his family and smeared their name even more because she knew i liked him and had been involved with him, and didnt want the rest of the community finding out and thinking differently of me. so she decided to try to smear their family's name so hard in order to drive them and my bf further away. she went around calling my bf an obsessed loser who wont leave me alone, even though we both wanted to be with each other. these tensions on top of us not being able to navigate our own personal relationship problems led to him breaking up with me in november of 2023. at this point, i was so incredibly heartbroken that i came clean to my mom about everything because i felt like i had nowhere else to turn to. in my first semester of college i was so consumed with trying to fix our relationship that i didnt create a community for myself and ended up completely alone with no friends. so, i turned to my mom for support through my breakup. she accepted my wrongdoings and told me she would help me get over him. so for the next 4 months, that's what we worked toward. she got me a therapist, a gym membership, and offered a lot of support for me to better myself which i am eternally grateful for.
then in april of 2024, my then ex bf broke no contact. he said breaking up with me was the worst decision he ever made. for context, when we broke up, he told me he was going to turn toward religion and better himself because he felt like our relationship failed because of the stress of our families, and because he wasn't good enough. but, that spring, he ended up rushing a fraternity and turning towards alcohol and partying and talking to other girls. when i heard of this, i felt so betrayed and hurt and decided to forever close that chapter of my life. i spent a lot of time working on myself, creating a life for myself at my college that i didn't have before, and trying to move on in the same way he was by talking to other guys and drinking and partying. i felt soulless and empty and lost in life. i had never drank in my life until the breakup, and i felt like i was going down a dark path. not to mention my gpa fell extremely hard. but in another way, i had achieved a lot of peace in not stressing about family matters and rebuilding my relationship with my mom, and overall worked toward a healthier mindset and worked on my shortcomings that i saw in the relationship.
i thought i was over him until he reached out, and asked if there was every any hope of us getting back together. i wanted to ignore the family issues and what my mom wanted to figure this out for myself, because if i truly wasn't over him then it wouldn't be fair to the next person im with if i never tried as hard as i could to make things work with my ex. so i left my mom's opinion out of it and decided to give him the opportunity to prove that he had changed and wasn't going to make the same mistakes as last semester. our main problems last semester was that i was anxiously attached and he was avoidantly attached, and i always wanted to spend time with him and he ended up constantly ditching me for his new friends. but in any time that he slipped up, instead of handling things maturely i used to yell at him and call him names, which was also extremely toxic. anyway, i gave him a list of things that he needed to change before i would reconsider. to be honest, he completed this list perfectly. he made time for me, made me his first priority, all the things i had ever wanted him to do. i could see that he was actively working toward changing and being better for me, and even started going to therapy. i had also improved a lot over the course of our breakup, and was able to handle any setbacks a lot more calmly and maturely. but i was still wary because it had only been a month, so i was still trying to gauge if our relationship as individuals was even going to work out in the long run before i got my mom involved again. so i started to lie again, just as i did before. then, my mom noticed that we refollowed each other on instagram (i guess that was kind of stupid of us but i didn't know she was actively checking my following). ever since she noticed, she became suspicious of us rekindling and started calling me multiple times a day to see what i was up to. which, rightfully so, because i was in fact lying again. but again, i was trying to figure this relationship out for myself to see if it was even what i wanted, and i didn't want to bring any family matters into it since that was a big reason why we had broken up in the past. i wanted to see if we could work as individuals. and honestly, this past month has been absolutely amazing, and i have felt a lot more grounded and focused in life, and my grades were even getting better.
last week, my mom started texting his dad telling him to keep his son away from me. she had no tangible evidence of us being together, but somehow she just knew. his dad knew we were talking again and was ok with it, and lied for us so we could protect our peace. she kept texting him every week. yesterday, i moved back home because the semester was over and she looked through all of my things and found an extremely vulnerable note he wrote me while we were working things out, stating how sorry he was for everything and how he loved me so much and wanted to make things work. i was unable to lie to her anymore when she told me she found the note, and i was once again caught redhanded. she called my ex and cussed him out, telling him to stay away from me and that no matter what he does, no matter how well he treats me, she will never, ever accept him. she told him that the day he broke up with me was the best day of her life and she wishes it stayed that way, which was honestly hurtful to hear considering it was an extreme low point for me. she then called his dad and told her she doesn't understand why her son likes me, because i'm lazy and stupid and would be better off getting married off and being pulled out of school. she told me im a disappointment to the family and im a desperate loser who is dragging her family name into the gutter. she said im filthy and dirty and have no faith in Allah, and she thinks im devious and evil for lying straight to her face for all these years. she has threatened to get my father involved (who none of us have a good relationship with because my parents are also divorced) and also my grandfather.
i am really torn and don't know what to do. i know my ex/bf isn't perfect and has made a lot of mistakes in the past, but i really truly do love him with all my heart and know deep down, he is a good person who wants to become better. all of my friends who know him personally speak so highly of him and can attest to this. it feels unfair that i can't figure out my own life without my mom's interference, all because she just doesn't like him. i guarantee that if a guy that she liked for me treated me 10x worse, she would tell me to make things work as much as possible. i have asked her her reasoning on why she hates him, but she gives me none, just that she does and she always has and always will. her reasoning doesn't even involve his mistreatment of me during the relationship or the fact that he broke my heart, it is just because of her hatred for him. so i really feel like it's not for my best interest as she claims, but it's just because i'm not doing what she wants. does anyone have advice? especially from any desis/muslims who have also had to deal with the whole brown community and reputation thing?

I've grown up seeing teenagers and young women criticized heavily and treated with suspicion for doing "fashion", yet the things I've heard my own family members say about women who were overweight, "ugly" etc is so crude and vulgar I'm glad I don't speak good enough Urdu to remember exactly and repeat it. Seriously, its gross and totally unexpected given the clear hypocrisy in their mentality, but it's just part and parcel of the layers of double standards and contradictions in this community/desi culture. I've seen so many older women give "advice" to younger women like, you're going to have difficulty getting married because you're overweight and dark, or you're going to have difficulty getting married to someone with a similar educational background because you're so short and study too hard (like look too tired and thin), etc. They'll make these comments about married women too, even in photos where the person looks objectively good, and just be comparing people in the same photo for no reason whatsoever, which is why WhatsApp is such a disease lmao.
When I first started "looksmaxxing" aka lost weight and wore makeup for the first time at my cousin's wedding, the difference was pretty drastic and I got a lot a lot of positive feedback. I even thought, hey, maybe the desi community isn't that bad! Like, after all, they might be mean to your face but they can also be nice if you look good. Except this was very temporary. Even my cousins, one or two who are exceptionally beautiful, don't get overt compliments as much as they do mild indifference and backhanded compliments/jealousy, and the occasional bad rishta thrown at them. The thing about them is that they absolutely do put a lot of effort and money into their appearance, but they do it for themselves and not for the positive reinforcement they get by aunties or society, which is something I'm learning. Neither are married atm and are focused on getting professional health-adjacent Master's degrees which make good money. And just to get this off my chest, I've never met a smart, beautiful woman that wanted to get married young or to simply find a man to provide for her. She's always smart enough to know her beauty and youth give her power and that it's not a good idea to rely on a man for your livelihood. It's the not so attractive ones who sometimes joke about finding a rich husband, but I just think it's cringe to even make jokes about that given the likelihood of that happening is zero (not solely bc of their appearance, just the statistics overall).
Growing up in this community created a lot of cognitive dissonance for me and this is just one of the reasons why. Marriage wasn't a huge topic growing up but definitely emphasized, and you get told that looks (and income to a certain degree) don't really matter much for either gender but what really matters is religiosity and characteristics like your education, personality, work ethic, etc. This is actually cope and they're trying to mask the fact that arranged marriage is a huge compromise 99% of the time. I'm not actually against arranged marriage, but we in this subreddit know about the inefficiencies and inequality in the rishta nata system well. While I don't see myself getting a traditional arranged marriage or staying in the jamaat, I've seen the same emphasis on looks in marriage and how it's the go-to insult in every single culture.
For women (and men) of colour, it can be deceptively easy to opt-out of making an effort on your appearance because you won't fit the beauty standard anyways, maybe because you aren't light enough, or don't like your ethnic facial features, or are too short, but we really have to make the best of what we've got since none of us can opt out of the overall influence appearance has in how you are treated and the opportunities you get. I'm not advocating for vanity but I obviously have seen a lot of benefit from making an effort to enhance my natural beauty and not live in the delusion that I'll get anything handed to me, within or outside of this community, and will need to get out there and earn it myself. It's also about improving your confidence and being allowed to take up space, and can be a way to take your power back as a woman if you are considering leaving the community since beauty=power, etc. Looking at the data there's a very strong relationship between a women's income and thinness, and other ways in which this is relevant particularly for women.
P.S. How on Earth is everyone here finding people outside the jamaat to get married? I see a post about getting permission to marry xyz everyday!

I know at least 5 different families where the siblings will have an age gap of 14-16 years. As an adult now, it’s pretty obvious that aunts and uncle had an accident. But I find this so off the wall for desis.
First, I think desis are more liberal with abortions. I don’t think they have any religious implications like they do in Abrahamic religions.
Second, it seems weird that at that age, they’d have unprotected sex know what the consequences would be.
Third, “log kya kehenge “? I mean, won’t it be pretty obvious that a) auntie/uncle still get freaky b) it was clearly an accident?

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Okay so we're a joint family of 10 people my dad and uncle are real brothers and my mum and uncle's wife are real sisters. So uncle's son got married 2 years back (april,22). It was an arranged marriage and from what i hear and see he isn't very satisfied with the marriage (even though he's trying it's not working out). Uncle's children and us(me and my 2 siblings) we live like real siblings and yk that "real sibling" thing never came between us. So coming back to the topic why i'm writing all this, so bro's wife, we all told her that for us there's no difference between our mum and aunty( we call her badi mumma) but she didn't respect this fact, in the duration of two years she did cause incidents where that "real sibling" thing was an issue (if you understand what i'm saying) but this was just us also like we(me mum dad and 2 siblings )just sleep on the second floor otherwise all things like food,laundry, etc. we do it together with them . Problems started arising when she disregarded my mum like for example an incident which my mum told me, mum asked her to wash the casserole as it was dirty (she told her 10 days straight hoping she would do it) but she didn't do it , then mum told badi mumma about this then when she told her to do it she did it the next day. incidents like these kept happening Ik you may think i'm just overacting and making such biggie out of nothing. BUT how long can we feed ourselves with "oh prolly she forgot, prolly she didn't hear" . A recent incident my mother was terribly sick, she asked her(bro's wife) if she could make her dinner, she said it again and again and again and the 4th time she replied "i'm feeling nauseous I can't." 5 mins later badi mumma asked her about dinner, she went straight into the kitchen and made her dinner Mum tore apart . you know she suffers from depression, epilepsy, Alzheimer's. Things like these affect her so much she said prolly it's for the best we have to start making dinner for ourselves. Earlier today she (bro's wife)came upstairs and started shedding her crocodile tears "i didn't do anything, why are you behaving like this" you know being so innocent infront of her mother in law, we siblings talked about this with badi mumma that how she's(bro's wife) is so different infront of you and how she's with us , but idk what went wrong. I saw mum cried yesterday day before yesterday today . I stopped talking to her(bro's wife) too. It's getting hard for me to just live here , i just started my 12th grade and idk what the future holds for me.

This is not about me but son (let’s call him Harsh) of my father’s (let’s call my father Neeraj) erstwhile business partner (let’s call him Rakesh). My father used to work with Rakesh, when we were hand to mouth and did not even have 20k in bank. Father used to struggle in paying school fee too. Their business was basically some shady or ineffective property dealing stuff. But eventually we got better and we have joined the upper middle class strata (I’m grateful to god for all this). In 2020 Rakesh (Harsh’s dad) passed away suddenly while he had gone to washroom in the night and upon his sudden demise, Harsh got orphaned (though he must be 20-21) and his mother, diabetic got widowed. Rakesh already did not have any business while he was alive but still could arrange some 50k per month for his family and were living in rented accommodation. However Harsh initially used to take extreme care of his widowed mother and worked really hard, used to wake up @3:30 am go to Azadpur Mandi and dealt in fruits and vegetables then in the evening engaged in sale purchase of used cars. However since last 3-4 months he has changed badly. He has taken away phone from his mother. They don’t have a house to live. They take room for one day or two when they get money or else sleep in their small second hand car. Harsh has stopped giving money to her mother except for rent and there have been days when his mother did not eat (now it’s not the same gladly). Basically today Harsh’s mother came to our house on her own on a rickshaw. She wanted to talk to my mother or probably wanted to ask money but she just couldn’t. She is a heart patient as well, goes to RML hospital for treatment and is right now arranging her documents to get pension (Harsh’s Nani had a govt job so she is trying). Right after Harsh’s dad passed away, within 2 yrs, Harsh’s Nani and Massi also passed away. Now Harsh’s mother has no one except her own son who also has taken phone away from her (probably because he doesn’t want her to talk to anyone or because people were calling aunty as Harsh used to borrow money from people on the pretext of her mothers sickness and did not use to return). When me and mumma told this to papa today (he was not home when aunty visited) papa said to mummy that she should have given her 5-10k on her own. My father also has offered to get him a job or even a business (his mother says he would even not want to do a job🤦). My mumma has asked me to call him home tomorrow and she wants to talk to him and give a shot at their family’s betterment). All this made me feel grateful to have my parents, own house (apart from all the other materialistic stuff) and a good functioning brain. How can we help this Harsh and at the same time how do I disassociate myself with this tragedy of someone else. I am really affected by their state, specially aunty’s (for no reason or what).

This is not about me but son (let’s call him Harsh) of my father’s (let’s call my father Neeraj) erstwhile business partner (let’s call him Rakesh). My father used to work with Rakesh, when we were hand to mouth and did not even have 20k in bank. Father used to struggle in paying school fee too. Their business was basically some shady or ineffective property dealing stuff. But eventually we got better and we have joined the upper middle class strata (I’m grateful to god for all this). In 2020 Rakesh (Harsh’s dad) passed away suddenly while he had gone to washroom in the night and upon his sudden demise, Harsh got orphaned (though he must be 20-21) and his mother, diabetic got widowed. Rakesh already did not have any business while he was alive but still could arrange some 50k per month for his family and were living in rented accommodation. However Harsh initially used to take extreme care of his widowed mother and worked really hard, used to wake up @3:30 am go to Azadpur Mandi and dealt in fruits and vegetables then in the evening engaged in sale purchase of used cars. However since last 3-4 months he has changed badly. He has taken away phone from his mother. They don’t have a house to live. They take room for one day or two when they get money or else sleep in their small second hand car. Harsh has stopped giving money to her mother except for rent and there have been days when his mother did not eat (now it’s not the same gladly). Basically today Harsh’s mother came to our house on her own on a rickshaw. She wanted to talk to my mother or probably wanted to ask money but she just couldn’t. She is a heart patient as well, goes to RML hospital for treatment and is right now arranging her documents to get pension (Harsh’s Nani had a govt job so she is trying). Right after Harsh’s dad passed away, within 2 yrs, Harsh’s Nani and Massi also passed away. Now Harsh’s mother has no one except her own son who also has taken phone away from her (probably because he doesn’t want her to talk to anyone or because people were calling aunty as Harsh used to borrow money from people on the pretext of her mothers sickness and did not use to return). When me and mumma told this to papa today (he was not home when aunty visited) papa said to mummy that she should have given her 5-10k on her own. My father also has offered to get him a job or even a business (his mother says he would even not want to do a job🤦). My mumma has asked me to call him home tomorrow and she wants to talk to him and give a shot at their family’s betterment). All this made me feel grateful to have my parents, own house (apart from all the other materialistic stuff) and a good functioning brain. How can we help this Harsh and at the same time how do I disassociate myself with this tragedy of someone else. I am really affected by their state, specially aunty’s (for no reason or what).

Life changes exponentially once you cross 25. Till then you were just single, now you're desperately single. And if you're not desperate, that itself would make everyone around you even more desperate.
I am 27, two years past the prime 25 and still single. That means, everytime my parents look at me, they see a very old man, inching towards his grave, with no one to secure his bloodline.
Every morning when I wake up and get out of my room, I'm welcomed by the sight of my dad sitting on the sofa, his head totally submerged in the newspaper. He would briefly tilt the newspaper to a side and have a look at me. A staredown, which can be translated to "what a waste, at your age I had 3 offsprings (all my own) walking on this earth."
I ignore that look religiously, because other than giving away his property to his siblings and selling off my mother's gold for "business ventures" this is his only achievement. Also because I don't have a death wish and nor am I suicidal.
My mumma has quite a different approach though. The other day I was busy with my laptop, she came sat next to me. With an extra pinch of motherly love, she stuffed a slice of orange into my mouth. And then another one, and then another. Then she started speaking "You know I'm your mom right?" I just nodded without taking my eyes off the laptop screen. "you know you can share anything with me right" I nodded again, even though I could smell something fishy! "Anything I mean, anythingggg" I turned towards her "What is it mumma?!"
"Nothing, I was wondering, if you can't find a gf because.."
'because?" 'because you're...that" I'm what? "...gay?"
WHAT?! "I mean it's alright! why would I care if you like it up your ..."
"Oh good god! Don't the people in this house know any modesty?! Thankyou mumma, but I'm not gay"
She left out a sigh! She was clearly relieved. Okay then, eat this yourself" she said while banging the orange on my table before leaving.
If this is what a career oriented, dashing and Pavam gentleman has to face at home, imagine how ruthless society would be once he steps out of home!
One time at a family wedding, Mumma took me to introduce me to her lady gang. Since Im mostly out of state, I'm usually unavailable during family events. But whenever I attend one, she leads me on a procession, like a Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, to every aunties and random old dudes. Some of them so old, that I often wonder if angel of death has forgotten about their existence! But you know who hasn't? My mumma! She would take me to each and every soul. Dont you remember this aunty?! Her daughter was your crush when you were in KG. Oh of course you would know Seema aunty, You've even peed on their bed.
At such an event, once there was this aunty, whose face I don't remember now, because with the amount of foundation on her face, I couldn't have seen it anyway. She resembled a mime character. And she went on " All your friends are getting married, when are you giving us the biriyani for yours?"
The urge to punch her filthy white face was rushing out of me, like a freshly opened soda can. With great effort, I contained it inside, because with that amount of foundation, she wouldn't have felt a thing anyway. I told her, "aren't you getting enough free food already aunty?" She went on "oh that's all fine, but I'm interested in yours"
And i said "well if you insist, why don't you ask your daughter to marry me, and we can settle this matter right away"
All that foundation wasn't enough to hide the shock on her face!
Even before I could finish, I felt a sharp pinch on the back of my hand. my dear mumma, with her strategic move, pulled me to the next aunty in raw. In the middle of it, she whispered in my ears, "Behave yourself! Do you even know who she is?.. ....she isn't even from our same caste. What if she said yes?!"
By this point I wasn't in a position to afford any damns. I wasn't surprised. Life post 25, is different. You can never be ready for this. You would think, you will be highly independent, and would be able to make mature decisions for yourself. But in reality, it is like having to poo immediately, and you rush to the washroom. After flushing the biggest load out of your system you realise, there is no water nor any tissue. So now it's just you and your shit. Deal with it!

to score some drugs, as one usually does.
Yeah, I know it's Ramadan, I was gonna wait until after Iftaar to do them, duh.
Anyways, he ain't seen me in ever, so he didn't clock my mug. Almost.
Just as he was done ringing me up, he gave me the old Ebenezer Scroogesque over-the-reading-eye-glasses look, and asked, "Did you get into residency?"
"Well shieeeee . . . et tu?" I thought to myself. Even the dealer is rooting for me, least of all because he's eyeing a new addition to his $cript cashing turf.
I gave him the lowdown, and saw the salivating gleeful look vanish from his face as my words shattered the lucrative dream his enterprising mind has just conjured.
It broke my heart to break his so, but that's just the way it goes. Maybe next year dealer bro, in-shaa-Allaah.
~~~
In case the cheque bounced:
I went to the pharmacy. I bought some legal, prescription-grade pharmaceutical medication. Dealer Dude is a Desi Chacha from round the block.
Brown people know brown people, that's just how brown folk get down, there's no escaping the Internationally Affiliated Auntie-Uncle Mafia Network, not even on the other side of the planet.
You can only be polite. As Skipper says, "Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave."

As a fan of this subreddit, I thought it would be fun to share my own AITAH story, which happened a few years ago.
I'm an Indian guy, born and raised in Houston, Texas. When I graduated high school, my parents really wanted me to go to the University of Houston, so I could live at home while I went to school. Instead, I got accepted to the University of Texas at Austin. I was really happy about this, because I wanted to live on my own. My parents did not like this at all, but didn't stop me. My mother gave me a bit of advice. Guard your reputation at all costs, because if you lose your reputation you will bring shame to yourself and to the family. Whatever, Ma.
Well, my parents worst fears came true. I started dating a white girl (gasp) and she soon became my girlfriend. My parents found out, because they are Indian parents and are incredibly nosy. My parents expected me to call every night, and I missed one night. I was at the movies and put my phone in do not disturb mode. Well, my parents had called like twenty times in a panic, and then when I finally called back the next day, I gave up my whereabouts under interrogation.
My parents came by that weekend, and decided to discuss "the situation". My mom told me that white women are whores, and that by associating with them, I would bring shame to myself and the family. My dad was cool about it. He told me to sleep with as many white women as I wanted, and when I was ready, they would find me a nice, pure Indian girl to marry. My mom smacked my dad on the shoulder, and told him he shouldn't me teaching me such "bad morals".
I wasn't sure which was more offensive: my mom calling my girlfriend a whore, or my dad treating my girlfriend like a glorified sex toy. I told them to stop talking shit about my girlfriend, or they could leave.
They dropped the issue, and I did not reveal any more information in future interrogations, so I flew under the radar. I figure they thought I was going through a phase, and that she'd either break up with me or she would cheat on me. Apparently, in my parent's eyes, white women have no honor. That's why the divorce rate is so high, or something. Do I make my parents sound racist? They kind of are, but I guess I'm just used to old school Indian uncles/aunties being lowkey racists (they're just telling it like it is).
Well, joke's on them. We stayed together through college. When I graduated and got a job, and she got accepted to medical school, I thought it would be a good time to pop the question. She accepted!
My parents were pissed, but went along with it, as long as we did a "white" wedding and an Indian wedding. We did the "white" wedding at my girlfriend's father's ranch. A small affair, just close family. It did not go well. My dad is a liberal who thinks conservatives are evil, and my girlfriend's dad is a conservative who thinks liberals are mentally ill. They got into a huge political argument at the reception. My mom basically sneered at everyone the entire time, as if my girlfriend's family were a bunch of country bumpkins that were beneath her.
I told my wife, I just want to be married to you, let's get out of here. We literally headed for the hills (our honeymoon was in the Texas Hill Country).
My parents were not happy that I abandoned them, and that they weren't given the position of "honor" that is traditionally given to the groom's family in Indian culture. At this point, I was tired of the drama and didn't want to get married "again", and I just wanted to start my life with my wife.
So my entire family considers me an asshole in this situation. In India, marriages aren't between only two people, they are "alliances" between families. My making my marriage only about my wife and me, I am being supremely selfish. By living separately and keeping my distance (thank god we live in Austin, far enough away from Houston to keep my family from dropping in all the time), am I "breaking up" the family.
My wife is not thrilled with my family, but she is a family kind of girl. She doesn't get along with her parents (she is a godless liberal who moved to the People's Republic of Austin), but keeping relations with her family (a QAnon type) is very important to her. So, she's willing to put up with my family's insanity if I am. I'm not so sure, but I'm also the classic ABCD (American Born Confused Desi), and while I lean more to the American (independent) side, my Desi side compels me to indulge my family to some degree.
Anyways, I don't think I'm an asshole. But, is being an asshole is in the eye of the beholder, since assholery is culture dependent?

This is all complicated but I hope I've managed to simplify things.
So I've known this person for many years now and we've been wanting to get married for a long time. Let's call him A.
Our education is both done alh and we are now both 28/29. I have been caring for my schizophrenic mum and sibling since 2018 alh. His parents are in India. They are professionals, middle class and big on "what will people say" like most desi families. My family on the other hand - our family is broken. My mum has mental illnesses, parents have been divorced since I was a baby. I also have a little kid brother I care for too, but his dad is not in the picture. 2 of my older siblings live with my dad, whilst me and my eldest brother (who I don't get along with) were raised under my mum.
My family: So our situation is very complicated enough already with my family being so dysfunctional, but on my side - A has met my mum and my dad, and one of my brothers so far. My dad has given his blessing alh. The brothers who live with him are happy for me too. My mum is happy with him, but wants me to only marry on her timeline i.e. "in 2 years time" when she gets better (iA she does but generally schizophrenic patients can't be cured). My mum has been refusing the marriage and is not happy about it because of how much my marriage will change everything in our lives. My eldest brother is in the view that I should not ever get married because I can simply look after my mum and little brother until I'm old (he actually said that to me). He is married so it is convenient for him if I don't marry at all. Now because of my family dynamics, I've decided to keep my aunties and a cousin sister in the loop and they have been helpful with their guidance and advice.
His family: As a family they're perfect in every way alhamdulillah. They have a reputation to uphold so as you can imagine, when A told his family about me, the dad was not happy at all. The dad went as far as saying that if he married, they will only attend the wedding as an obligation and that's it. The dad has commented how my parents are divorced, how I'm not working (because I'm a carer...), how we're not Indian (we are Bengali), that British girls are bad and have a lot of haram relationships and blah blah blah. Basically everything he can use against me and my family, he did. Bottom line with A's family is that they won't really accept me and be happy with the marriage. 😞
The other problem is that logistically it is extremely hard for us to get married because of how A's family live in India, and mine in the UK. His family will have to meet mine - they won't even consider a marriage unless that happens. My mum or other family members can't go India to see them so it would have to be his family coming to the UK. That obviously requires a visa and overall a lot of money they don't have. Plus we don't know when they can even come here. Me and A have known each other for nearly 10 years so we just want to get our nikkah done already. But A is refusing to do it unless it is the "proper way" of his family meeting us etc etc. Saying his family are well respected and what will people say if we just get a nikkah done. People will be sus about it. I do understand his perspective but at the same time I've explained at this point we just need to get the nikkah done already to please god. Above all that is what we need to strive for. He keeps bringing up how his family didn't work hard all their lives just for him to ruin their reputation with this love marriage. That my family is an insult to his. As harsh and insulting as it sounds I know it is the truth. Obviously nobody wants their child to marry into a messed up family like mine.
Just want to say A is a lovely person who has been there for me since the day we met. He is very protective, kind and caring. He is my best friend. Please don't judge his character based on the comment about my family being an insult to his.
I've prayed istikhira tonight. I'm just very lost. I don't want to wait 2 years more to get married. Ideally by the end of 2024 would be nice iA. But ofc nothing ever goes to plan so even if we do get married it could take even more years. I suggested we do a video call with his family but he doesn't really want to as both families need to meet in person. How and when and if that will happen, only Allah knows.
If anyone has any words of advice/wisdom or been in a similar position, please tell. Otherwise I ask that during this blessed month of Ramadan - may Allah Almighty grant us all the ability to fast and do good deeds and worship in this month - that you make dua for me and A, that we get married soon without any obstacles in our way iA
Thanks for reading

During my stay in London I used to visit a South Indian temple in East Ham as it made me feel less home sick. I always found many people of non- Indian ethnicity inside the temple which is totally cool. Recently I learnt that there is a group run by Desi Uncles and aunties with an aim to expose non Hindus to Hindu traditions and culture which includes a visit to temple and encouraging them to participate in activities, which is again a nice thing. There are many comments on their Instagram pages where many people ask them if they can visit the temple and they respond back saying everyone is welcome. Which is again a very warm thing.
Cut back to India, I recently visited couple of temples in South India and I was welcomed with a board saying ONLY HINDUS ARE ALLOWED.
Before you all come at me, temples in London are tiny, moment you step inside you are literally standing in front of the shrine and they don’t have outer court yards, so yes non Hindus could walk right upto places where Hindus would stand to worship the god.
Looking back made me question if god hates you only if you are a Non- Hindu brown Indian and is cool with Non- Hindu foreigners. Dual nature of Hindu temples being the most accommodative and discriminative in different places is truly mind boggling.

Hi, so I'm a Punjabi girl and for as long as I can remember growing up, I have always felt very different and isolated from brown people. I'm a neurodivergent brown girl and it's very hard because people just look down on me. Obviously when you are different from everyone you stand out but in the brown community people aren't willing to accept you if you're different. I have no brown friends, most of my friends are all non-brown because they are more understanding and accepting of who I am. People in my folks just look down on me like I'm some sort of a disease and no brown person wants anything to do with me. I remember growing up an aunty that knew my mom said she didn't want her daughter talking to me because I'm neurodivergent. It wasn't a good feeling, so because of this I've just started drifting away from my culture. I've started to not want anything to do with my culture because it's just too toxic. It's also very hard to find other brown people who are also neurodivergent because everyone looks fucking normal so I just feel like an alien. Since my parents are Punjabi they came from a village and they are hardheaded so they don't know what "neurodivergent" means, they just deny my problems when I'm the one living with this hell in my head. It just feels very isolating because I have to live with something I didn't choose to live with and then being looked down upon by others from your community is sad. How do other neurodivergent desis deal with hate from the community?

Imagine this: you've crafted the most exquisite jewelry, designed clothes that would make even Sabyasachi weep, but your audience is smaller than a pearl stud. Sounds tragic, right?
But why, you ask? Here's the tea, served piping hot with stats and real-life desi examples:
1. Bye-bye, Geography! Hello, Global Glam!
Forget the limitations of a physical store. With digital marketing, you're selling lehengas in London and kurtas in California. Think of it like having a magic portal that transports your creations to fashionistas worldwide. Remember Raniwala 1881, the Jaipur-based jewellery brand? They used Instagram marketing to showcase their heritage pieces, reaching a global audience and growing their sales by 400%! Imagine the sparkle in their eyes (and the jingle in their pockets!).
2. Target Like a Sharpshooter, Not a Blindfolded Archer:
Remember that aunty who keeps gifting you neon green sweaters? Yeah, you don't want that with your marketing. Digital tools let you target the exact audience you crave, whether it's millennials obsessed with statement earrings or brides searching for the perfect kundan necklace. Take Zariin Jewellery, for example. They used Facebook Ads to target specific demographics and interests, increasing their website traffic by a whopping 700%! Now that's some serious digital dhanteras!
3. It's Like Having a Chatty Parrot (But Way More Useful):
Social media is your direct line to your audience. Engage with them, answer their questions, and make them feel like they're part of your fashion fam. Just like Anita Dongre, who uses Instagram to showcase her latest collections, interact with followers, and even run fun contests. The result? A loyal community and a brand that feels as real as that heirloom necklace passed down through generations.
4. Content is Queen (and King, and Everything in Between):
Create blog posts that delve into the history of your designs, share styling tips, or even host virtual fashion shows. Educate, entertain, and position yourself as the fashion guru everyone trusts. Remember The House of Tara? Their informative blog about sustainable jewelry choices not only attracted eco-conscious customers but also established them as an industry thought leader. Now that's some serious content carat weight!
5. Data is Your Magic Mirror:
Gone are the days of guessing what your audience wants. With digital marketing, you get insights into what they click, what they buy, and what makes them swoon. Use this data to refine your strategies, personalize your offerings, and become the ultimate trendsetter. Just like Amrapali Jewels, who analyze their website traffic to understand customer preferences and tailor their collections accordingly. Now that's some data-driven desi diamonds!
So, what are you waiting for, fashion and jewelry fam? Embrace the power of digital marketing and watch your brand shine bright like a diamond! Remember, it's not just about selling; it's about building a community, telling your story, and making your fashion dreams a reality (with a dash of humor and some killer stats, of course!).
P.S. Don't forget to have fun! Experiment, be creative, and let your brand personality shine through. After all, in the world of fashion, a little sparkle goes a long way.
Now go forth and conquer the digital fashionverse!

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAOld-Town4994 posting in TwoHotTakes
Ongoing as per OOP
2 updates - Medium
Original - 18th February 2024
Update 1 - 19th February 2024
Update 2 - 22nd February 2024
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Update 2 was added after this was first posted
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My (27F) girlfriend wants me (28M) to hide my accent when I meet her parents
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I'm from India, but have lived in the US for the past 4 years. I came here for my Masters, and now work in Chicago.
I've been dating this girl for the past 4 months, and she wants me to go visit her parents with her next weekend. For context, she's white and born and brought up in the US, her family has been here for 6 generations.
I still have hints of an Indian accent. I don't think I had a very strong accent to begin with, and it's reduced over time, but it's definitely still noticeable. I am not ashamed of it, but it's just naturally changed over time and I'm also able to pretty much neutralize it if I really need to, though I try not to do that because I concentrate more on the accent then and less on what I'm speaking about.
Yesterday, my girlfriend asked if I could please "make sure my accent is more American" when I meet her parents. I asked why, she said they're not used to meeting Indian people and are already unfamiliar with the culture and I shouldn't "give them another excuse to dislike me" and she then laughed. I kinda saw where she's coming from but ngl I was also a bit offended.
Like I said, if I need to, I can neutralize the accent but that's for things like 30 min Zoom calls at work. I definitely want to be myself and not bother too much about my accent when I'm speaking with my girlfriends parents, who might be family one day.
I could just bite the bullet this one time, but I'm thinking of having a conversation with my girlfriend after the weekend to let her know that it offended me. What would be the best way to do this?
EDIT since this has come up in a few comments. Her parents have lived all their lives in a small town with not much racial diversity at all. Their impression of India and Indian people is negative due to stuff they've heard or read about in the media, Indian scammers etc. So my girlfriends reasoning is that having a more American accent would make them less wary and be more accepting of me.
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Comments
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framedbyvise
It took 4 months to reveal this—- at least it wasn’t four years….. you should speak exactly as you normally would. This is her issue, not yours. It is not your job to alleviate xenophobia or racism. Not now, not ever. It’s your responsibility to be an awesome dude and in this case a good boyfriend.
tofuspirit
What’s next? Make your skin a different shade because her parents are not used to meeting people who aren’t white?
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Update - 1 days later
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Thank you to everyone who responded. I decided to address this with my girlfriend last night, and not until after meeting her parents. Pretty much refused to do this, and said I would rather be myself while meeting them and that her request is unreasonable and frankly a bit demeaning. I also flipped it around and asked how she would feel if I asked her to speak in an Indian accent in front of my family. She said she would never do that because it could be seen as mocking the accent.
She did see my POV, but insisted that she loved me for who I am and didn't want me to change. Her parents are, in her words 'difficult' and she wanted to make sure they liked me because she really likes me and wants this to work. I told her this is something she needs to address with them and if they need more time, that's fine.
So for now we've decided I won't go with her to meet them next weekend. She's going to speak with them first and then make the intro a couple months later.
I'm kind of happy I stood up for myself, but I'm also hoping this works out. I really do like her and want to believe her and that her parents are good people. Hoping for the best.
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Comments
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PNL-Maine
What does that mean that her parents are “difficult”? Did she give you examples of how/why they are difficult? This is too vague. I think you two are delaying the inevitable.
She is concerned about something when introducing you to her parents (accent, racist?). You gotta get to the bottom of this.
After her visit with her parents, you need to discuss with her and get specifics.

OOP: I've elaborated in my other post, but they're not used to people who aren't white/like them. They're unlikely to accept me at the moment, but my girlfriend is going to work on that before introducing me to them.

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PNL-Maine
Oh OP, her parents won’t change. I would just get it over with and go with her to meet her parents now. And be yourself, accent, skin color, etc. The sooner you bring this issue to light, the quicker you can decide if this relationship is right for you.
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Sheba_Baby

I really do like her and want to believe her and that her parents are good people.

Her parents are not good people.
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thegreatbrah
People said it in the original post, her parents are racist. She doesn't want to accept this.
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leftytrash161
Because shes a racist too. Expecting your indian boyfriend to not sound indian instead of expecting your racist parents to not be racist is, in fact, racism.

OOP: She is not like them. She's had her world view expanded through travel, living in a multicultural city and going to college with people from all walks of life and ethnicities. She's had to do a lot of work to break out of the mindset she was raised in.

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WitchesofBangkok
The fact she asked you to change such a fundamental aspect of who you are indicated she still has a lot more work to do I wish for you a person who will love you as your are and who will protect you from unkindness and intolerance
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UPDATE 2: My girlfriend and I have broken up - 3 days later
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What a crazy few days it's been. After our conversation a few days ago, we decided to carry on and that she would speak with her parents. I wasn't entirely comfortable with the scenario and something wasn't sitting right with me especially after reading through all the comments here.
We were out for drinks with friends yesterday and she brought this up. We were all a bit tipsy but she told them EVERYTHING about how she wanted me to change my accent, made fun of me for feeling bad about it, and made it seem like she was doing me a favor by speaking to her parents about me.
She said every relationship needs 'compromises', our friends also chimed in saying 'I'm lucky that she's doing this for me'. It honestly felt surreal and like I was in high school and being bullied (a post for another day).
Anyway, I didn't want to do anything while tipsy, but broke up with her this morning. She is trying to blame it on the alcohol, but I've decided that this is just not going to end well and it's best we go our separate ways.
So this relationship is over! Thank you to everyone who read and commented, I truly appreciate it.
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Comments
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BaetrixReloaded
time to enter the auntie network to get a nice desi girl sent your way!
jokes aside, proud of you man. stay strong, and you are bound to find a girl who accepts you for the person you are, and you deserve nothing less.

OOP: Look out for me on the next season of Indian Matchmaking

allupinyourmind23
Wow, friends are trash too glad you got rid of them though
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Genuine question. My father since the 1990s sent financial, labor, and consulting support to his brothers/sisters back in Chichawatni for over 20 years and brought them into the United States with their children. Ever since they’ve been here, they’ve stirred up drama with local friends we knew, are hyper-competitive against us in academics with aunties that WE brought from dirt poverty undermining us, and don’t even give my dad a single phone call/visit. I just can’t comprehend how people, especially his own siblings, can actually turn out like this. Instead, they now accredit their own achievements and successes to themself and claim that they would’ve came to the United States by someone else anyways, which is just beyond objectively false. Don’t get me fucking started on these desi fucking cousins who only keep in touch with me just to see how I’m doing academically so they can compete. I fucking hate Desi culture, on god man. Can anyone answer if this is the fucking norm in families nowadays or is this just Desi shit??