Rash with goosebumps

I (30yo male) have been suffering from chronic illness for coming up a year, the past few months I’ve been bedbound and had a myriad of tests done, most of which have been clear other than low folate, pancreatic insufficiency (likely related to my celiac disease) and being diagnosed with postural tachycardia. For months is was labelled as somatic or anxious, mostly by ED doctors, leading to delayed treatment and investigation.
My symptoms are complex but the most debilitating are

• constant dizziness and occasional vertigo
• Ataxia
• Fainting episodes
• Severe fatigue
• widespread body pains(nerves, joints and muscles)
• Consant sinus pressure and pain
• 24/7 headaches and migraines
• digestive issues, appetite loss and stomach pain
• Tachycardia in line with POTS
• severe nausea, especially in the morning
• Rapid weight loss (10kg with 6-7 months)
• constant tinnitus
• ear pain
• paresthesia
• neuropathy
• Red goosebumps like rash all over legs, especially thighs and knees
• Chills with sweats
• confusion, brain fog and memory loss - muscle weakness, especially in my limbs, back and hands and predominantly on the right side.
• recurring visual issues, particularly blurring, double vision, black spots and halos.
• Bubbling sensations under the skin, usually around neck, legs and head
• Personality and mood changes
• Potential clonic and focal seizures (my doctor wants to trial me on gabapentin)

Recently I saw a private ENT surgeon due to ongoing sinus and facial pain who suggested I may have a form of ANCA vasculitis due to positive ANA and ANCA (something missed by my GP) test results, along with the symptoms.
Since then based on the advice of a GP I’ve started taking 40mg per day of prednisone until I can see a rheumatologist, which may take months.
My doctor has now suggested a brain and neck MRI with contrast which I have to self fund due to the public waiting list being a nearly 12 month wait.
My biggest concern currently is if it is the correct avenue as my research online suggests that a procedure known as an MRA may be more suitable for what they are looking for, my GP isn’t familiar with rare autoimmune conditions so I am wondering if the MRI is going to be a waste of time and money.
I have four questions -

1. Should I continue with the MRI or postpone it until I can find out more about how about one would get an MRA?
   
2. Would a contrast MRI show any abnormalities should ANCA vasculitis be present in the CNS?
   
3. Should I wait until I see a rheumatologist before going ahead with any type of scan?
   
4. Will the relatively low dosage of prednisone risk masking any potential issues? I’ve been on them for just over a week.
   

In the past 6 months I’ve had two clear CT brain scans without contrast, only showing signs of inflammation within my sinuses, I saw a neurologist too who put my symptoms down to “stress” and refused any follow ups, however the ENT said the recent ANA and ANCA positive results were of concern and said I should be reevaluated by a neurologist again.
It’s been a very challenging time for me and I’m rendered bed bound without the ability to much other than stare at the ceiling or sleep, and getting answers from specialists has been a rollercoaster.
Other conditions I was suggested at having in recent months were;

• Connective tissue disease (eg.EDS)
• Fibromyalgia
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Refractory celiac disease
• Various forms of cancer (I had a clear ct colonoscopy, chest X-ray and ct angiogram a couple months back)
• Thyroid issues

I am on the waiting list to see the following specialists,

• Cardiologist
• Gastroenterologist
• Rheumatologist
• Vestibular physio
• Pain specialist
• Eye specialist
• Rereferred to neurology

Sorry for the long read, I greatly appreciate any input or advice as the MRI will cost more than I can really afford after dealing with my illness for so long and being declared disabled and relying on benefits.

The last blister in my rash finally closed up this week, so I'm just left with the horrid scars for now, as well as an almost complete lack of sensation everywhere the rash existed (but still itchy, because why not?).
I just noticed new bumps last night, though, that are way more itchy than the area has been. They don't look like the rash did when it started - they almost look (and feel) like goosebumps, but they're colored and along the rash. They look like they're in the same location some of the smaller red spots were when the rash was active. They're extremely itchy. I've been good about not scratching, though.
I'm on gabapentin 600mg 3x a day still, and hydroxyzine for the itching.
Tried to take a picture, but I can't get one where they're real visible. They don't look any worse than last night, but they're still there. Is this something to worry about?

Dark, cold air nipped at my cheeks and ears as I biked the seven-mile trek home to my aunt’s house after work. I was tired and my legs ached. My muscles felt as though they were being branded with hot irons.
My manager had dared me to try some of the tequila-pickled peculiarities we had recently gotten in for a few extra bucks before I left for the day. The extra 20 dollars in my pocket didn’t feel worth it in the slightest. My stomach roiled from the brine as it sat like gasoline in my gut. The nausea sent chills up and down my spine like icy waves.
I couldn’t make it up the driveway before spewing two days worth of half-digested cheap take-out all over Aunt Joyce’s garden and falling headfirst into her patch of perennials. She treated those stringy flowers better than her own children. I remembered laying there in the dirt, watching the stems of the flowers bend and sway in the dark— admittedly feeling a little jealous. The flowers didn’t have to worry about rent or working. Or even having to find food. They didn’t know pain or grief. All they needed was water and sunshine.
Had I not been totally plastered, I’d have felt pretty bad; I helped tend the garden myself when there was nothing else to do. Needless to say, I got my ass handed to me the next morning when she found the garden half-flattened and smelling like a carton of expired milk.
That was the first thing I thought about as I swayed back and forth slowly like a perennial in the night. The only difference between then and now being that I was swaying what seemed to be miles off the floor of an indoor forest like a shitty Halloween prop by my ankle.
Vertigo had taken up residence in my head from the blood rushing to my brain, face, and fingers.
I could hear Ana and Fred bickering above me, spitting creative insults at each other. I couldn’t help but feel like a tool for leaving him like I did; I wouldn’t have made it this far to answer that stupid phone without…
The phone… The sharp reminder that I had maybe one more shot at answering the phone was enough to turn my stomach.
I wiggled and spun, trying to loosen the grip of the vine wrapped around my foot. After not even 15 seconds of writhing and doing my damndest to get free, I was as winded as a seasoned smoker. I’d like to think I’m pretty fit being in my early 20s, but if this is supposed to be me in my prime, I'll be bedridden by 40.
The twisting I had done sent a stinging reminder of the patch of stripped skin on my tailbone. Pain surged up my spine, enough to leave me limp again.
The sting came with a rush of strange sounds and sensations that are hard to describe. It was as though the crescendo of noise and the electric pulse through my nerves were one and the same. All I could do was hope that like a suspicious rash, it would go away on its own.
Coldness tingled up in my toes and crept down my leg, almost like an advanced case of toilet leg. I looked up…or down? I looked wherever the ground was supposed to be and saw a foggy abyss. I used to entertain daydreams of living my own Eldritch adventures, but now that I was staring into it, I think I preferred the slice-of-life monotony more.
A brush against the back of my arm caused me to yelp. The sudden shout made both myself and whatever it was that touched me flinch. It took a few awkward and uncomfortable rotations, but I faced the wall of foliage and was met with a strange Gerbera daisy-looking… thing. It was no bigger than a normal daisy, with fluorescent purple petals that fanned out from its middle, as posh as a peacock. It blinked a blue, bulbous eyeball at me from the green curtain it was anchored into. I stared at it pensively and couldn't help but begin to feel a little frustrated at all this Wonderland bullshit. The 20 bucks an hour now felt like chump change, and man, was I the chump. I pinched myself and found that I was definitely still awake, with the added bonus of another sore spot.
Then, of course, I let my intrusive thoughts win. I poked it… right in its huge eyeball which it, understandably, wasn’t the biggest fan of. The daisy shrieked like a pissed-off baby, which summoned a tiny death squad twelve-strong of those floral fucks from the brush. The flowers began to hiss and snap at me with tiny mouths filled to the brim with tiny needle teeth.
“OW!” One of them managed to nip right through the vine holding me suspended in the air. That was one way to do it. The vine cracked and creaked like old rope. “This is gonna hurt—” When the vine finally broke, I made an attempt at grabbing for the wall. I missed every goddamn time and was left to plummet downward, but not before taking a handful of the little bastards with me.
They squeaked and squealed, and for a second I thought they might be enough to hold my weight.
“Yes!” Then followed the snap, snap-snap of their roots ripping and coming free. Their little screeches pierced my damaged ears, but I only let go when I could hear and feel the same snaps, crackles, and pops in my legs. Then gravity did what it does best.
The fall wasn’t as far as it looked, but it wasn’t short either. Upon impact, I heard a mighty CRACK and felt the knuckles of my left hand touching the outer side of my arm. Either the bones in my hand had been turned into small bags of croutons or it was almost definitely broken.
Prodding with my other hand revealed that yep, it definitely was broken. I think I might have still been partially numb from the pitcher plant slurpee because I sure couldn’t feel it yet.
There’s something really upsetting about seeing your own hand wobble like an al dente pasta noodle. I did my best to splint it with a stick that hissed at me when I pulled it off a nearby tree. My fingers began turning purplish, and I opted to wrap up the whole thing and just not look at it. I held my wrist close to my chest and hoped that whatever benefits I got from this job would cover my steadily-growing medical bills.
Looking up from where I had taken the plunge, I could barely see the pitchers from here. Wherever I had fallen, it was darker than the rest of Garden. The foliage was denser and looked downright hostile. If it wasn’t covered in big spiny leaves, it had spikes or bright colors announcing that it was no-doubt poisonous. If I really focused, I could hear layers of voices, as if I was standing in the middle of a city with crowds that only spoke in hushed whispers.
That was probably just the concussion talking, though. Or the onset of stress-induced psychosis. Maybe sleep deprivation? Perhaps it was a fun and fruity cocktail of all three.
At that point, even if I did find the phone, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to escape. Typically, when my shift was over, I’d be blipped out of my department and end up somewhere in proximity to where I was when I had been clocked in. But I wasn’t in my department this time. The thought of being stuck here and becoming a zombie pod person like Ana scared me. But looking back, it didn’t scare me nearly as much as it should have.
I mean, considering the other ways there are to die in here… maybe becoming a plant puppet wouldn’t be so bad?
Like Ana’s words, that idea came easy. It didn’t race around in my head like the million and one other worries I had. It was like sap that was slowly leeching into the crevices of my mind and hardening like amber. The thoughts felt safe but I also knew they were out of place. But did that make them wrong? Maybe the flower drugs hadn’t worn off yet.
I was tempted to just lay back down on the forest floor and let whatever was going to happen go ahead and happen, when a shrill sound pierced the canopy. It wasn’t the sound I was expecting. It wasn’t the page. It was a scream followed by a barrage of Fred-branded swears.
“You spider-mite havin’, photosynthesizin’, finger-lickin’, hottopic shoppin’ trashwagon! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!”
These creative jabs were followed quickly by Fred… or half of Fred falling through the trees and vines, landing with a hollow THUNK.
“Fred! Holy shit! Are you okay?!”
In the short time I’d known him, I had never been so happy to see that plastic idiot. But he didn’t respond, which was a first. There was a prolonged silence between me and his upper body.
“Fred? You alright over there?”
Still nothing.
“…Fred?”
I made my way over to him slowly, keeping my eyes on the canopy above us in case Ana decided to show up again. As I approached Fred, I could see his sweater had almost been shredded to pieces. There were deep scratches in his plastic, so deep it showed the white plaster underneath. But what caused my heart to sink was seeing that his head was now completely missing.
“Oh…oh no…”
With that heavy realization came the last sliver of hope I had of getting out of here. So I laid down on the moss bed beside my dead friend who was dubiously alive to begin with and closed my eyes.
I waited for the laws of retail-distributed natural selection to come and take me.
And waited.
And waited some more…
I had waited for about five minutes before getting bored and sitting back up.
“Hey! What’s a guy gotta do to get some service around he—“
My quiet acceptance of mortality was interrupted as another shrill scream rang out from the canopy, followed by something round being fastballed downward and making hard contact with my face. I won’t bore anyone with the details of how much that sucked, but I made a mental note to add that to my list of comedic inconveniences that have happened to me working here thus far.
“Holy franks on a flatbread! That was one hell of a ride! Maxy, did’ya see that?!”
I had been hit in the face with Fred’s head. The treetops and vines above me spun and swayed for like the second or third time. The real gusher of a nose bleed I had caused me to spit and sputter.
“You jackass! I thought you were dead or… or some mannequin equivalent! You crazy freaking l hunk of plastic!”
Fred’s head rolled over to face me. It was in similar condition to his torso; the paint of his titanium white teeth had almost been scraped off completely. But the sly grin plastered across his face didn’t falter despite the damage. He gave a sharp gasp and giggled like a deranged schoolgirl.
“Maxy! You think I’m a hunk?”
I picked him up and fought the urge to shake the shit out of him. Or maybe, if I was feeling extra spicy, punt him hard enough to disband the entire NFL. It wasn’t until he spoke that I was reminded I was now hard-of-hearing. Or at least I was supposed to be. Fred’s voice was clear as a bell. It would have been hard to read the lips of a guy whose lips don’t move.
“I should get paid just for dealing with you.” I stuck him under my arm and hobbled with the fervor of an old man over to his torso that had somehow moved while I wasn’t watching.
“It’s funny that’cha say that. There used to be a guy with that job.”
“Oh yeah? And what happened to him?” I grumbled, and gently sat his head down next to his neck socket. Looking closer I could see little black fibers in his… neck hole? They slowly angled themselves like therafluid towards his head. Cool? But also, ew?
Fred fell quiet for a moment as his eyes pointed toward his other half, then back to me. His voice fell a few octaves to a tone I have yet to hear him use since.
“We ate him.”
“You… you what?”
At first I wasn’t sure I actually had caught what he said right, but the way his eyes began boring into my own, he knew he didn’t have to repeat himself.
Fred stared just long enough to make me reconsider if I should be afraid or not. The tension finally broke when he started howling with laughter.
I quickly pressed his face into the moss bed to shut him up.
“Shhh!”
He continued to laugh in a muffled frenzy for a moment longer before shaking himself free from my hand “Sorry, sorry! You should have seen your face! I’m just yankin’ your chain; we didn't eat him. Probably wouldn’t have tasted that good anyway. Beings with higher brain function usually taste like burnt chicken.”
A poorly hidden sigh of relief escaped me, and I dutifully ignored the implication of that last part. “Was he fired or something?” I asked as I tried and failed to stick him back together.
“Nah, you don’t get fired at ThetaMart. He was disassembled and repurposed. Just cause you don't thrive in one position doesn't mean you can't in another.”
“That’s… an oddly positive way of looking at it.”
To hear that getting fired wasn't a means of escaping this place hit me harder than I let show. There might not be a way out of my contract other than surviving it. The only other option would be, well…
Would be not to.
“This is probably gonna sound stupid but…”
I took a moment to really consider if I wanted the answer to this question. But the idea of not seeing it coming was just as horrifying, if not worse. I sat Fred up and began trying to push his neck joint back in place with all the strength I could manage one-handed.
“Is uh… is that what’s going to happen to me?”
“Nah, believe it or not, you’re actually doin’ okay. Not great, but okay. You should probably answer that page, though.”
“Yeah… I’m working on it.”
I wanted to feel at least a little comforted by Fred’s words. Sure my light could be snuffed out at any second, but at least I was okay at my job. Unfortunately, my unofficial performance review did nothing to lift the looming dread of my abysmal circumstances being realized in waves about as heavy as the fog around us.
I finally managed to get Fred back into one-ish piece, but not before discovering mannequins are ticklish. Using my apron straps, I crafted a make-shift baby björn and strapped him to my back.
“I bet I could make a career change to become a CPR dummy, if I could get past not having any limbs. I’ve definitely got the looks for it.”
“You can try, but you can bet your right arm I wouldn’t give you the kiss of life, dude.”
I managed to find my box cutter and the pruning shears Janis had given me. My phone unfortunately looked like it would be in tomorrow’s obituaries. The screen glitched in its death throes as it closed and opened apps on its own.
“Well, that sucks…”
I could feel Fred peeking over my shoulder. “Worst case you can come live in Sporting Goods with me!” I looked around to see if I could try to spot any of the other walls to follow back to the entrance. Even walking through a single department in ThetaMart made a labyrinth look like a linen closet.
“Thanks, but if I’ve got a choice, I think I’ll pass. You’ve probably got a giant, flesh-eating tennis ball running the place over there.”
“Oh boy, do I wish.”
Everything looked the same, as if the foliage purposefully covered anything that could be a landmark. “How the hell am I gonna get out of here…”
“Have you tried stopping and asking for directions?”
He asked. For a guy with not a joint to spare, he sure was wiggling around a lot.
I honestly couldn't tell if he was joking or not.
“I wish it were as simple as asking a plant for directions.”
“You got hooked up to the mycorrhizal network, dude! I’m sure you can hear them now.”
The throb in my wrist was quickly climbing from an annoying pinch to a debilitating throb. I quickly began to wish I could go back and get some of the plant-grade Tiger Balm I had been swimming in.
“The microwave network? What are you talking about?”
“The mycorrhizal network. Y’know, the plexus of threads that allows flora and fungi to share nutrients and recourses over a series of distances. Kinda serves as nerves and neurons that connect large systems of the plant life here to communicate information seamlessly ‘cause it’s cheaper than getting walkie-talkies.”
I struggled to unpack whatever the hell it was he just said. And failed.
“What?”
Fred sighed impatiently.
“Butt tube!”
“Oh, you mean the stupid vine!? That thing took the first two layers of skin off my tailbone? Which still really hurts, by the way!”
We walked into what I assumed was probably the garden tools area.
“That checks. It was trying to integrate with you my guy.”
I grabbed a gardening hoe, ignored Fred’s immediate comment of ‘nice hoe,’ and used it as a walking stick as we ventured mostly aimless through the self-contained jungle.
“Well I don’t speak plant, and I’m not turning green or growing any leaves… last I checked, anyway.”
After some time, we came to what could be called a clearing. In the middle sat a beast of a tree, with winding branches and large clusters of verdant vines that rooted deep in the floor and breached the surface again in arcs like the body of a coiled serpent. But from what I could see, it had no canopy.
Maybe this is where all vines lead to…
Cautiously we approached it. I gave it a gentle kick, braised myself for it to hiss or scream. When it didn’t I sat Fred down and leaned against it. His head swiveled in a similar fashion to mine. We were both expecting something to spring out of the shadows the moment we relaxed enough.
“I think we’ve made it to the center. I’ve never been this deep in Garden before. I can’t help but think Ana did that on purpose.”
“That sucks,” I said, finally relenting to the ache in my knees and slumping down by his side.
“Yeah, Ana sucks.”
“I thought she was pretty nice at first. What happened to her? Why does she… you know—”
“Look like the Corpse Bride? Well, for starters, she’s been a supervisor since before even I arrived.”
“So… is she actually dead?”
“Unless you get creamed by a Manager, you ain't dead. Just in suspended animation, carrying out the will of the store. Like Ralph.”
“What about you? You’ve never tried to hurt me. I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for you.”
Fred’s chipped smile seemed to broaden a bit. “Guess you could say I got my own agendas. Plus you’re pretty solid company, Maxy.”
“Thanks. Fred?”
“Yes, my good buddy?”
“I uh…I’m sorry for leaving you behind.”
Fred was quiet for a moment but I could still feel him staring.
“It’s okay… I was more worried about what Ana would do to you if she found you than anything she could’ve done to me. I can be put back together. You can’t.”
My mortality was something that had hung over me like an anvil ready to crush me at any second since I started this job. I didn’t expect Fred to really understand what that was like, but he spoke with the weight of concern in his voice. It caught me by surprise. I’m not sure why, but it scared me. It made the fact I could actually die here so much more tangible. Those questions every one of us more morbidly minded individuals entertained fired off one after another in my mind, each more vividly than the last. The image of me they would use on my missing poster? Who would bother coming to my funeral? How long would it take for the police to convince my sister that I wasn’t coming home and it was probably my own life choices that landed my photo in an empty coffin to begin with?
My thoughts reeled like a steam engine, but all I could say was “yeah… guess you’re right”.
I leaned my head against the pillar of vines and I could have sworn I heard deep, steady breaths, as if something was snoring. The rhythmic sound caused my eyelids to become heavy, like they were pulling themselves closed by no will of my own.
I hadn’t been this tired since exam week of senior year. It wouldn’t hurt to just rest my eyes for a minute, right?
It might have been a few seconds. It could have been an hour.
I woke to Fred lying in my lap, desperately thrashing and bashing his head into my stomach.
“Max! Max! Wake up!”
My eyes snapped open again. I was expecting there to be some Demogorgon things looking to make a not-so-vegan meal out of us, or Ana ready to string me up like a meat marionette. Compared to what happened next, I’d have preferred either. You can’t run from sound.
A strange sensation filled the air. I lifted my arm and saw that my skin was breaking out in goosebumps. The atmosphere shift made the hairs on the back of my neck and arms stand at attention.
“Fred, of all the things to worry about… lightning can’t strike us indoors right?”
“Oh, it’s not lightning, pal. This is gonna be the thunder.”
“I’m assuming you’re not talking about the song, right?”
“For the love of— Max, stick your head in my torso!”
“…what?”
“My endoplasmic lining is sound-proof!”
“Your what is what?!”
“Has your hearing actually gone or are you confused? I don’t get where I’m losing you here!”
The charged sensation grew with the passing seconds, something in the prehistoric, self-preservational part of my brain told me that if I didn’t do as Fred instructed, I was gonna become premium compost.
I took his torso and held it above me, held my breath and quickly shoved my head inside.
The hole of Fred’s torso was wide enough to swallow me down to my shoulders. It was unexpectedly cold, unnaturally dark, and unpleasantly moist. It felt like I had stuck my head inside of a defrosted turkey.
“It smells like old bologna sandwiches in here…”
Fred said nothing, I wondered if he could even hear me.
There was a moment of stillness, before the auditory assault let loose outside. I couldn’t hear the page this time, but I sure as hell could feel it. The sound was so loud, I could feel the words followed by the dial tone in my fucking ribs. The syllables blared at such a high volume it caused my skin to sting, like standing in the middle of a dust storm. It took intense effort to even breathe. The base felt like it had a death grip on my entire body cavity. I tightened my hold on Fred as my knees buckled. The soles of my shoes kicked up dirt and grass as I seized. I had no control over my body. The damaging decibels had me struggling like a rabbit in a snare. It felt like every inch of me outside of the torso was almost disintegrating. I almost accepted that my organs and every inch of exposed skin would be boiled from my bones by sound alone.
The sound finally started to creep in as the plastic pressed against my fingertips began to give. Fred was melting; I could feel it under my fingernails. A slightly oily, sticky goo began collecting at the base of my neck. I could hear Fred screaming from outside of the shell. Turns out that mannequins could feel pain after all…
After the page had finally stopped, I laid still for longer than I needed to. I was afraid of what I would see upon exit.
When I finally pulled my head out of Fred’s torso, it was as bad as I had imagined. He looked like a half-melted, man-shaped candle. The whole left side of his face now sat on his cheek, his smile was lopsided…and it was all my fault.
“Y’know Maxy, being your deus ex machina isn’t as fun as I thought it would be…”
“Why did you do that!? Why didn’t you use some mannequin magic to save yourself or something?!”
Fred giggled, but I could hardly see what was so funny.
“Boy, I sure wish I had Mannequin Magic. Maybe then I could grow back an arm to scratch this nose itch I’ve had for the last hour.”
In retrospect, I wish I had thanked him. To have said something, other than call him an idiot. Felt something other than a quiet resentment for what he did. Because what came next was a beast far larger than the elephant that stood between Fred and I.
From the silence left in the wake of The Page, came the sound of cracking. Thigh-thick vines creaking and groaning like ancient ruins giving way to time and collapsing in on themselves. The sounds echoed like explosions, bouncing against the other three walls of the department that we still had yet to find.
There was a voice, like the cyclopsian daisy but deeper, angrier. I was certain of it now, it was coming from inside my head and it was accompanied by what I could only describe as a surge of electricity shooting up my spine from where the pitcher plant had been attached.
It didn’t speak, but I could hear it. Whispering curses and its full intention to rip me to pieces. A shape in the fog took form. It moved like a predatory cat, on all-fours and almost as tall as the shelves around us. Atop of the massive body was an enormous, strikingly beautiful flower. I had never seen colors so vibrant and I couldn’t help but freeze in awe. That was, of course, until I saw its maw. The creature was endowed with jaws large enough to clamp down on a car and strong enough to make quick work of it. The body was made of clusters of vines thicker than fire hoses, together as thick as a tree trunk. Pinned to its chest was a name tag that read in bold, black font: Garden Manager Maully, how may I help you?
As awe turned into… something else, I could only stare; the batteries to my metaphorical alarm bells had long since died. “So, the store has carnivorous flower dragons and speakers loud enough to kill someone, but not a phone for each department?” Fred made a sound like a clothes tag being snipped from a sweater which I assumed was the mannequin’s version of a tsk.
“You think we have the budget for that?”
“If I survive this contract, I’m suing…”
I could feel the monster eyeing me, probably wondering how hard it would have to bite down to get to my tootsie-roll center. I slowly grabbed Fred and my walking hoe, then got to my feet trying not to make any sudden movements.
The creature leaned in, barring its rows and rows of barbed and serrated teeth.
“THAT ONLY WORKS IN THE MOVIES…”
Its low, growling voice bubbled from the recesses of my mind and sent prickles up my back.
I didn’t even have to vocalize my thoughts. The moment it was in my brain, Maully already knew what I was going to say.
“Can we have a ten second headstart?”
Maully made an expression somewhere between a grin and a snarl. Its breath smelled like mildew and pondscum.
“RUN, FRUIT FLY…”
They didn’t have to tell me twice. I took off in a sprint down the nearest aisle with hoe and gardening tool in either hand. The foliage moved and writhed like snakes, making it increasingly harder to figure out where we were going and where we had been. With every stride, Fred would slip a little in my grip. The oily, semi-melted plastic layer on him made it almost impossible to keep hold of him. But I owed him now. I wasn’t gonna leave him behind again.
“Stop slipping,” I snapped, “what do we do?!”
“I know I make jokes about being a knight, but I never said I was a dragon-slayer!”
I could hear the vines of the creature rip and snap like a tree falling in a storm as it pursued us. With every pop and crack I could feel in my nerves, muscles, and tendons, It was getting a little hard to deny the fact that I might be hooked into whatever plant WiFi this place was running on. If I was a smarter man, I could have used it to my advantage somehow. But hindsight is 20/20.
Maully followed quickly and with singular purpose, hot on our heels and making a mess of things as they plowed through every solid object that got in their way. It was as though they knew every move I was going to make even before I did.
“YOU CAN’T RUN FOREVER, FLOATER!”
Its voice inside my head hissed like toxic gas from a broken valve. The chill caused my shoulders to seize up toward my neck.
I wanted to say something equally imposing back to hide the fact that I was two seconds from pissing my pants, but all I could muster was, “I’m submitting a complaint to HR!”
“You hear that Maully?! If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your psychic channels shut!” Fred yelled over my shoulder as his sticky plastic film caused him to sink lower and lower in my arms as we ran.
“If you could grow a third arm to not drop me, now would be the time to do it!”
“Half our problems could have been solved a third appendage ago! Stop slipping!”
Fred looked at me, still sliding from my grasp. I couldn’t take the now searing pain in my wrist any longer. I had no choice but to let him fall.
“Sorry, Fred!”
I took the hoe and used it like a dangerous putter to whack him forward as I ran. If this wasn’t one of the scariest moments of my life, it would have been a fun play on mini-golf.
“MAX—” Thunk! “I’m gonna get Shaken Mannequin Syndrome!”
There was a sheer drop in the floor, like the store had completely forgotten to load itself in, and we were speeding right towards it. I backpedaled, trying and failing to stop in time. My Chucks made a sound like a record scratch as Fred and I sailed over the edge with Maully quickly in tow. We fell, being flipped and snagged and thrown all the way down before becoming suspended in a web of vines. Some had sharp thorns that pricked and scratched my skin if I tried to move. Some were connected to flowers loaded with spines as thick as pencils in the center. They slowly positioned their blossoms at me, seeming eager to turn me into a human toothpick sculpture.
Maully roared as they crashed through the canopy overhead. Their heavy body caused the lattice of vines to snap and shake until the beast was just as tangled as Fred and I. They hung contorted in the air angled downward. Those car-crushing jaws I mentioned earlier were more or less a few feet and a few seconds of bad luck away from my face. I held my breath as I peered into the gaping, green chasm at the center of its blossom. Green strands of weed-dragon drool dripped on me in gluey, warm sheets and stained my apron. Fred stared at me wide-eyed and just as silent. Just as frightened.
I held my breath till I saw stars, but with how loud my heart was pounding, the sound of it probably would’ve made little difference. Maully knew I was there. They just wanted to see how long I’d last before I’d lose my composure.
Up close and still, their colors were hypnotic, like Ana’s eyes. Their petals were textured like the eyes of a mantis, but with the vibrant colors of a white and speckled violet orchid. The longer I stared, the more I realized their spots shifted and pulsed in tandem with my breath and heartbeat…
Maully huffed and hissed waiting for me to make a mistake— to shift just close enough for them to snatch me up.
This game they played was becoming increasingly harder as an itching and burning sensation began to bloom from every inch of my body that made contact with Maully slobber, the desire to begin wiggling and shifting with discomfort was nearly unbearable. Between that and the thorns… I’d have paid every cent I had to crawl out of my skin.
“LITTLE FRUIT FLY, STUCK IN THE WEB. THE THORNS HURT, DON’T THEY…”
When they spoke, it wasn’t like hearing a foreign voice in my head. It was like hearing my own thoughts, my own voice. But I knew none of it belonged to me. Sinister messages rose to the top of my mind like bubbles forcing themselves to the surface. They were loud… so loud. The longer time went on, the more impatient and intrusive Maully became.
“I CAN SET YOU FREE, YOU KNOW. I CAN MEND YOUR WOUNDS. THE THORNS WON’T HURT YOU IF YOU BECOME A PART OF THEM.”
Maully pushed against a cluster of vines, causing the part that held me suspended to tighten. The thorns slowly pressed further and further into my neck, chest, and arms, dragging along my skin like snakes. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe.
“POOR LITTLE SPROUT. LEFT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD TO WITHER AND DIE. NO ONE TO TEND TO YOU. HELP YOU GROW. YOU BECAME A WEED, WAITING TO BE RIPPED FROM THE ROOT…”
There was something poking around in my head. Tendrils slinking around in the cracks and creases of my mind to anchor themselves. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head trying to get them out.
“Fuck you! Just eat me if you’re gonna!”
“...WASTEFUL.”
A sharp pang of fire erupted in my side. My eyes flicked from Maully only long enough to see the cause. I immediately regretted it the moment my brain realized what I was seeing. It took everything in me… not to start screaming.
One of those fucking vines had embedded itself in my skin with the precision of a hypodermic needle, and it was spreading. Another pinch, then another. I could feel roots beginning to crawl under my skin, like worms wriggling around and burying themselves in fertile soil. The vines cocooned themselves around me. My body grew more slack by the second, and my throat clenched, parched and sore. My mouth began to move on its own. I sounded like I had been gargling gravel. ”Ripped out at the root…” I echoed. Flashes of moonlit perennials began to play across my mind. They sway in the breeze… no pain. Just water and sunshine.
Just sunshine…
The closer Maully got, the more they salivated. It was like having my head under a hot, smelly slime tap now. My eyes began to roll back. Weighted eight-balls in my head feeling impossible to control. With the strength I had left, I twitched, trying to fight the sensation of the coils snaking around in my insides. They poked past my stomach and brushed against my lungs.
The connection to the plexus now felt raw and real. More real than myself or any of my memories. For a moment, I questioned if I was ever separate from it to begin with. The sensation of their insatiable desire to integrate everything I was rippled across my nerves. To learn all that I knew, to show me the power of nature and how small I was. I was just a simple cell, a tiny spark in the grand microcosm of the organism that lived within these walls. My life was so small. insignificant in the grand scheme of the plexus… of Maully.
Just a little fruit fly.

Hello, when I was a teenager I moved into my fathers home for the first time in California. I had some paranormal experiences in this house, that I often now joke about with friends, as I believe it 100% was my own fault. I recently shared this story on another reddit group, but was encouraged to share here as well. I haven´t shared with many strangers or people who may have insight - so here goes.
My stepmother would always say her deceased father was around and would mess with things whenever my father and her got into an argument - like misplacing his things during the night so he would be late for work the day after etc. I never really believed this, as I wouldn't put it past her to hide his things herself. But my stepmother and I would often talk about the paranormal and ghosts. We didn't come from a religious family or anything, so it was always a very open discussion.
Our house was right next to a cemetery on the other side of our fence. I was 16 and loved listening to scary stories on YouTube whilst painting, doing homework etc. My stepmother and I had talked about Ouija boards, and since I was an, i guess, "edgy" teenager, I bought one. I spoke to my friends about it and they were all very intrigued with the idea of trying it.
The first time we tried playing with it was Halloween night at the cemetery next to my house. The security was amped up this night, so my 3 friends and I found a large tombstone to hide behind and play - so we wouldn't be seen from the road. Absolutely nothing happened this night, which gave me this kind ego about it, where I took it even less serious.
The second time I tried it was also my last. Once again this was a group effort with my 2 friends, both with the same name, which can be kind of confusing, so I will just call them C and R.
We did a more "official" seance, and did a quick Google how to search beforehand. We lit candles, and planed to have me and R holding the planchet with blindfolds on, so C could read out potential responses. We asked a few questions with no response, but suddenly the planchet moved around. I had assumed that R and C were trying to fool me, so I wasn't scared or believing it completely. We asked for the entities name, and I cant for the life of me remember it, but it sounded like an old, old hebrew name. We got bored eventually after a few more boring responses, said goodbye - and that was that.
After this time of playing with the board, things started to happen in our home. It started out so small I don´t even remember much of the stuff in the beginning or a chronological timeline of events.
I started waking up in the middle of the night and would feel this strong presence in the corner of my room by the door. I oddly never felt frightened, as the energy felt, i dont know, "female". I would just roll over and fall back asleep after starring into the dark for a bit. I would also feel strange in the guest bathroom, and would avoid going in there at all costs. I thought at the time it was the lighting, that was strange. It was very bright and reminded me of a Sephora or makeup store - it would just make me feel extremely aware and anxious.
The event that started amping up the activity was when I fell sick for 2 weeks. I almost never get sick, but was incredibly unwell and ended up going to the doctor, who gave me antibiotics I turned out to be allergic to, so I got more ill and had a bad rash all over my chest and stomach. During the time I was sick I stayed in the guest bedroom, as my parents were redoing their bathroom, and they also, did not like the guest bathroom - so they used mine.
I hated being in the guest room when I was sick. I was in the most confusing fever dream at all times, and felt like I was being watched and that the energy was being sucked out of me. I felt like a huge, dark weight was on me when lying down. I would feel better if I left the room and slept on the couch or snuck into my room. I heard voices speaking to me in the dead of night, that despite being sick I could brush off - as I was self aware enough to know I had a burning fever and probably was hallucinating.
When I finally got better and got my room back, I slept like a baby the first night. Until the energy followed me in there. I would wake up every night and the energy in the corner of my room, would suddenly feel threatening instead. I would hear new noises in my room, that had never been there before. I know exactly what the AC sounded like, how often it turned on, the noise the door would make when it would turn on - or my dogs would lay up against it on the other side. I started hearing noises from behind me, which made no sense as it was just a wall. It sounded like scratching, and had eventually complained about it so much, we ended up getting our house checked for a rodents.
Around this time is when I would get touched, when I would walk down the hallway past the guest bathroom. It was always so subtle, that I wouldn't realize it until I had walked into the kitchen. I also started listening to music 24/7 at home, so I wouldn't react if the spirit or spirits would speak to me. I felt like acknowledging it would make it worse, so up until this point I had tried to ignore all of this and brush it off.
One night my parents went out for dinner and would get me something to go on their way back, so I could stay at home and chill. I was standing in the laundry room which is right by our open concept livingroom and kitchen. I was scooping dog food for my 2 German Sheppards who were hovering over their bowls next to me. Suddenly I heard a lady say "hey T". T is the nickname my family uses for me, and since it was a womans voice I turned towards the door and go "yeah" - thinking it was my stepmother. My gaze automatically locked on the hallway that proceeds the kitchen straight across from me, when I realized I was home alone. I looked down at my dogs next to me and they also had their eyes glued, to the same spot as me, and reacted at the same speed. I walked a few steps out and my dogs followed timidly, which was strange. Suddenly like I was in a cheesy horror film. My dogs ball rolled from behind the kitchen counter and stopped when it hit the wall ahead of us. Keep in mind my doggos were sat right next to me, so they couldn't have dropped the ball and it rolled. My dog who is crazy for balls also didn't immediately leap for the rolling ball, which was out of character of her, and gave me some strange comfort that at least I wasn't the only one freaked out. I was so in shock but remembered my family had the Life360 app, where we can see each others location. So I check, and my parents were going well over the speedlimit on the freeway 20 minutes away. I didn't even know what to do, so I just fed my dogs with tears in my eyes and went to hide by my desk in my room.
The scariest event that happened although terrifying and sat with me for a long time, I still take with a grain of salt as I had smoked some weed a few hours before. I hadn´t tried it many times before that, but had gotten home and took a nice warm shower and listened to some music. I normally got super paranoid when high, but I was coming down from it and more relaxed than usual. I was so relaxed I even walked around my room naked after I had gotten out the shower, which is something I never do - as I am extremely reserved and find clothing comforting. But I was walking around my room and wanted to move my bowl of sewing pins from my dresser over to my desk. I dropped the bowl, and had to bend down and dig into my nude carpet to find all of them again. As I bent down, all naked and vulnerable, I suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on me and heard whispers from I guess the walls. It was coming from all around, so I was hurrying to pick up the pins. My vision also started to blur and I was feeling a tightness in my chest. Suddenly I heard a deep growl from right over my shoulder, that made my entire body tense up, all the hairs on my body raise and instant goosebumps along with tears in my eyes. I jumped into my bed, to feel a sense of comfort and hide my body from this invisible thing. I laid in my bed and hid like a little kid even though I was 16 years old. I have never been so frightened in my life. I laid there for so long and had to pee so bad but dreading having to get up again. I FaceTimed my best friend to comfort me and explain what had happened, so I felt safer getting up, quickly throwing on some clothes and went to the bathroom. This experience scared me so bad I also didn't touch weed for over 2 years, but when I hit Uni I became a functional pothead during exams, and have never had any experiences like this again when high.
After this event, nothing major and scary happened again. I would still hear a womans voice from time to time, and our kitchen sink would turn on so I could hear it from my room. But that was the last time I was scarred of anything paranormal. After my family moved to another state nothing else has happened to me since. My stepmother threw my Ouija board out during the move so it never got to touch base in the new house.
I feel that from playing with the Ouija board I opened up some sort of contact that otherwise wouldn't have been known. I have tried to psychoanalyse the situation and the living situation I was in. My family was extremely emotionally toxic, and we had our issues thats for sure. So I have considered if the mental toll of my family dynamic manifested itself in some anxieties for this unseen force. However, in the new house nothing has ever happened - and our family dynamic became worse there, so I dont believe thats the cause.
I´d like to hear what you think? Was I just a paranoid and anxious teen with some family troubles and interest in the paranormal that then made me believe things were happening around me? Or did I open some communication with R and C through the board that one night? Or a whole third option?
I seriously doubt anyone has made it this far in my story, as it is very long - but if you are reading this, then thank you for the time of day.

Have you ever wondered about things you’ve lost? That toy car you remember having as a kid. That ring you had, tight on your finger as you dove into the sea, but gone when you got out. That braided phone charger, your middle-school homework book, I could go on.
No need to answer. Everyone’s lost something, at some point, and never found it again. Their stories, without conclusion.
Most of us simply forget. We accept the fact that these things are lost, and quickly adapt to life without them. Just think… what a wealth to be found if one were able to recover what is lost.
Don’t be fooled, though - this isn’t inane conjecture. For the wanting man, there is indeed a way to stick your hand into the lucky dip, and wrench something back into existence, all for yourself. To keep.
To bind you.
As far as I can tell, there’s no one strict name for this ritual. Call it whatever you want - perhaps its true name has, too, been lost. The place you’ll be opening a gateway to, however, I’ve heard referred to mostly as the Cellar. Or the Basement, the Crypt, but at the end of the day, these are just labels, and aren’t conducive to getting what you want. What matters is that it’s the mausoleum of all things lost. If Hell is the absence of the light of God, then the Cellar is bereft of the light of reality itself - for what is lost, may as well not exist.
The constraints of our universe hold little sway there, and become as fluid as the ocean.
Before I get to the steps you’ll be following, and the risks posed to your wellbeing, it’s best to learn exactly what you’re going to need. Do NOT skip out on any of the following items: * A candle. Well, you don’t need a candle and wick per se, just any wax you can melt by hand. * A seal or mold of some kind. A signet ring is preferable, but the shape of the imprint you leave behind is mostly arbitrary - though I’d advise something circular, like a coin. * A pair of bound objects. This can, really, be anything, although I’d advise going with something you probably couldn’t separate by hand; a pair of heavy chainlinks, for example. * A driving tool, preferably a hammer and chisel. * Human tears. Arguably the most difficult ingredient to procure in a sufficient amount, because not only do you need a good 10ml of the stuff to be safe, the tears cannot be those of pain. And no, you can’t cut an onion and expect those tears to work, nor can they be those of depression or despair. They must be tears of grief, for grief is the hoarse, wailing voice of the lost, and when you call out, you might get an answer. * An heirloom of someone who has passed - even better if they were someone you were close with. A lover, a parent, a sibling, or a dear friend, just as long as you went through grief at their passing. Technically, this one is optional, but it sure as shit boosts your chances at a successful ritual. * An offering. You don’t actually need to have it with you at the time, but make sure you have something important to you that can be put up for grabs.
You’ll also need to find a rift. Now, don’t overthink this. You don’t need to go to the grand canyon, and you don’t need to find a portal - you’ll already be making one, in essence. All that matters is that you’re able to pour wax into it: a crack, a split, hell, you could use a pothole if you’d like. Not recommended, though. No point in performing the ritual if you get turned into pate by a garbage truck halfway through.
And as these things always go, try to be somewhere away from the noise. No need for interruptions. In any case, the Gatekeeper will demand your full attention - you don’t want to lose in his game. I’ve seen what happens to those who do, and trust me, you’re better off slitting your neck on the spot.
One more thing before I teach you how to go rooting around in the Cellar: even with a perfectly executed ritual, risk still remains. In the Cellar, rules of reality are fluid, broken and rewritten every second, which you’ll remember from earlier if you have an attention span wider than the hairs on your head - if not, you shouldn’t be here at all.
When lost things are left to fester down there, they may serve as the base for a random, chaos-borne physical (or metaphysical) property that doesn’t exist up here. To avoid clunky lingo, you can think of them as curses. Cultures of conceptual mold and algae that cling fast to their host.
Yes, curses. Don’t let that word scare you away - a curse can just as easily be a blessing, depending on whose hands it falls into. You might retrieve a jar that perpetually rains tiny diamonds from no apparent source, or a teddy bear that imbues you with superhuman levels of confidence. But, you could also get a compass that kills any living creature on the direct opposite side of the Earth from you, or a fog machine that you can’t turn off, and drains your blood to vaporize into mist, regardless of where you are.
Because you are bound to it.
Now let's get to the steps:
First, find an isolated location and a hole or crack in the ground. Place the two linked objects on the left side of the hole, and if you’ve brought an heirloom of a dead loved one, place it on the right. You'll need enough wax to melt and pour to fill the cavity you’ve chosen. Bringing a portable stove or a blowtorch is ideal to melt a large quantity of wax at once. Pour the wax into the hole, and sprinkle it with the tears of grief you've obtained while it's still fluid. If the wax sets before you can add the tears, the ritual is over. Allow the wax to cool until malleable, then form an imprint with your stamping object of choice, like a signet ring.
You can take a break here while you wait for the second sigil to appear beside your imprint. Once it has fully formed, drive the chisel into it with the hammer, as deep as you can. When you feel it can't be pushed any further, twist the chisel in place. You should hear a distinct sound - really, you can't miss it. The gate is now unlocked and will open.
If you’re wondering why I’m sharing this information, the answer is simple. The more seekers, the more you and I stand to gain. And for those compelled to search for what they’ve lost can anyone hope to stop them? Might as well make sure they’re well-informed, so I’ve chosen to document my last dive into the Cellar.
I chose an abandoned building on the outskirts of town where I was certain no one would interrupt. The moment I completed the ritual, a miasma began to spread and unfold from the cracked floor, and in the blink of an eye I was plunged into the depths. The first thing to greet me was the Gatekeeper.
Though his appearance can change, he most commonly takes the form of a decrepit old man covered in sores and scabs. His robes might’ve once been regal but now they were tattered and filthy. He wore a rusted battered crown and carved into his forehead, weeping and scarified was the word “KING.”
You cannot enter or leave the Cellar without a wager and challenge. You get to set some parameters for the challenge, so play to your strengths. If you’re smart, you can ask for a game of riddles or logic; if you’re athletic, you can ask for a test of strength or stamina. I always chose a game of hide and seek where I had to avoid capture for a period of time set by the Gatekeeper. I was good at it, and had always emerged from the Cellar unscathed.
As for the wager, what you stand to lose can’t be trivial. Could be your ability to walk, a loved one, even your life… Now before him, as I had done every time, I wagered the thing I value most. With empty eyes and a ravenous smile, he let me pass.
The Cellar always looks different and varies from person to person; you might find yourself in an ancient library stretching into infinity, every bookshelf lined with items long lost, or in an endless prairie with artifacts scattered about at random. Maybe it's a metaphysical space, partly shaped by your mind, I don't know. Just a theory. This time it was a dingy thrift store consisting of narrow corridors that wound and twisted around themselves to create a multi-story tangle of shelves, junk piles, and showrooms of old furniture. The air was rank, each inhale an acrid sting, and the lighting was dim orange.
A draft snaked its way through me, sinking bitter cold fangs into my bones, being here was a small agony unto itself. But the endless possibilities of what I might find drove me forward. I rummaged through some piles of lost things and found the usuals. A metric ton of socks, countless kitchen utensils, old photos, and anything else you can think of.
I’ve found ancient lost tomes and scrolls if you care to parse lost knowledge and mysticism. The only caveat is that they're all in long-dead languages. Relics and archaeological treasures are common too but I’ve never had any interest in them. Then there are the cursed objects, the ones almost all seek. You know when you’ve found one, the air is poisoned with a rancid odor and malice radiates outwards from them. Holding one in your hand should feel wrong, and deeply unsettling. Your blood runs cold, your chest tightens and your stomach twists itself into knots. You’ll ask yourself what the hell you’re doing here and what this thing is capable of.
All I can say is if you choose to pocket a cursed item you need to be incredibly cautious and aware from that moment forward because God knows what it can do. They’re unpredictable so carrying one around for an extended amount of time is a gamble and here time is inconstant and ever-shifting.
The one I found on this trip was a silver pendant with a black gemstone at its center. I snatched it and quickly and cautiously snaked around an aisle toward a new room. That’s the trick, never linger too long and always be on the move. There are things here… I don’t know what they are. Maybe they’re searching too or maybe they're part of the lost. But they’re never friendly, so try not to spend too long in any one area, five minutes maximum and move on.
Looping back around to a room to search again is improbable since this realm is prone to shifting and warping around. Which is why multiple trips are common amongst those who delve. I want to say it gets easier every time but consistently something new reveals itself to me, always malicious.
This time, winding around a corridor into a larger chamber, it was a black room. As in the light here was negative, inverting every color. My eyes strained and my head thrummed at the sight so I pivoted around to leave and find another way through. But things never go to plan in this place.
I froze at the threshold, pivoted to look behind me and glimpsed it for a mere moment as it ducked behind an alabaster wall. Tendrils like wisps of black smoke coiled out of sight. Stalker. I’d rather face the negative room and its unknown than an abyssal stalker and so I turned back around and stepped into the anti-light.
The darkstone pendant shone with a warm, greenish-yellow light in the black room, like a luminescent moss. Examining it more closely as I turned it in my shaking hand, a surge of recognition hit me of a sudden: a New England beach town, my first love. Mariel.
We’d decided to take a trip there for a few days in fall during college, and she’d given it to me as a memento of our first trip together. A small hunk of some glassy, black material, probably onyx or obsidian, with a thin, red fissure running through it, all hung on a delicate silver chain, as tenuous as love itself. A heart had been carved or chipped into the black stone, the red stripe coursing through its center.
It had gotten misplaced some months later in our apartment, the loss sparking our first row. First of many, truth be told. In my mind, this fight was linked to our inevitable (and, to my mind - wholly avoidable) breakup. But, the bond we shared, Mariel and I, had been broken. What happened to her after we split was not something I could let my mind delve into - too much to do right now to let that distract me, and fear made me stay on task in this unnatural place.
If lost items took on an infectious, almost fungal nature here in this moldy place of living nightmares…what would happen if I moved deeper? Could it be reversed? Could the depraved, parasitic nature of the lost things become…a thing of hope? Or reunion? I dare not wish for such a thing. Mariel was lost to me and it was folly to think she should ever become mine once again. For if she did, would she be the same as I once knew her, pale and kind, sweet as a bud in spring? Or would the trickery and deception of this dank place transmogrify her into something inhuman? I didn’t have the time, or the wits, to think on it further,
I pocketed the charm and listened for the spectral being I had seen in the alabaster room. Was this being the Gatekeeper I had heard of when I first learned of how to unseal and delve into this forbidden place? Or was it something worse, and far more defiled, that dwelled below the Cellar?
Though I may have heard a faint scraping sound, no lumbering beast appeared, nothing slouched towards Bethlehem to be born, so I crept onward on tremulous legs. As I left the black room, I noticed a small group of moths flying away from it on dusty wings. It was that dark.
The next room was again lined with shelves, brick walls dancing with candle light. The shelves sagged with row upon row of dusty books, ornate sketches of unholy words in rolls, small jade figurines, dozens or hundreds of other items. The light in here was of the same quality as the obsidian pendant gave off in the black room; warm, slightly yellow, a shade of sickly green mixed in. This room in the old shop smelled of candlesmoke and old paper - a smell I had always loved, since my family ran a small bookstore in Virginia. Alongside this familiar smell was one of corruption, acidic rot, a foul sense of loneliness and abandonment. I think the fact that the Cellar plucks relevant ideas from your life to construct its space was what made it form this room for me, but it added its own hint of malice alongside it.
As I explored this new space, I was acutely aware of a sudden drop in temperature and my skin broke out in a rash of goosebumps, my armhair standing erect. Nothing moved in the shadows, but I was aware that I was once more not alone, and the feeling unnerved me. A soft sweeping sound, fabric moving against rough brick, perhaps, seemed to emanate maliciously from behind me. I glimpsed another of those smoky tendrils as it slowly crawled across the floor and curled around my ankles, like an evil cat cozying up to you in a cursed bodega.
The brick room seemed to go only up - the short hallway I was in ended in another brick wall, two wrought-iron sconces holding dripping, flickering candles. The ceiling seemed impossibly far away, disappearing into a foul gray mist hundreds of feet up; no escape there. I scoured the shelves for anything that might aid me in evading the cursed definitely-not-a-bodega-cat creature.
The sibilant sound intensified slightly behind me, and more dark, malevolent spirals appeared on the floor. I rifled through the items on the shelves hurriedly; a hunk of greenish glass, cracked and crazed, that seemed to glow subtly in the dimly-lit room; a cloth child’s doll, string hanging where the button-eyes had been plucked out, rough black thread sewing the red gash of a mouth shut. The last one made my bowels shake with fear, though I could not have confessed why, even if I was held at knifepoint.
The temperature dropped a few more degrees and a tremulous shiver ran through me. As I sifted through the items on the rough, wooden shelves, my shaking hand closed on something even colder than the room itself; a strange chrome hammer with a very small head and a long handle, the word FREEMAN stamped on it. Sitting next to it was a long, sharp metal object, ending in a small, flat blade with a mean edge. It was about the size of a standard household screwdriver, but this was nothing you’d ever find in your old man’s toolbox, even if he did handiwork in Hell. Danvers State Mental Hospital: Ward 9 had been etched into the haft of the object.
A thought began to form in the back of my mind.
What if I…
No, I countered (myself) - It won’t work - it’s utter madness.
My reveries were interrupted by an intensification of the sound behind me and a thickening of the black fog, now swirling around my knees. My fear swelled and deepened.
Moving quickly, I grabbed the small hammer and screwdriver-looking object. I approached the brick wall, the dark, swirling shapes now seeming to tug at me. My legs felt the way they do in bad dreams, as if walking through switchgrass or wading in deep water. I reached up for one of the candles, lifted it out of the sconce with trembling hands and leaned in to examine the wall.
*There. *
A small fissure in the mortar between bricks. The bricks on either side of the crack stuck out just enough to make a small shelf. The rift was no larger than a pencil, but it would have to do.
Now, I know there are rules here in the Cellar, and I know I don’t have all the requisite items with me. But, perhaps, I had enough of them. Perhaps the fact that everything… changes down here, that even this place doesn’t follow its own rules, might let me bend whatever guidelines there were just enough that I could pull it off.
A thought came to me in this dank and mildewed place, filling me with a new species of fear: what lies beyond the Cellar?
I quickly separated the black pendant from the silver chain and hung the chain to the right of the crack. The rough, uneven bricks provided enough purchase that the tiny chain could be suspended, although the grip was tenuous at best. (Much like my current grip on reality, I thought). The pendant itself would have to serve as the seal.
Another quick scan of the shelves turned up nothing that could be described as anything linked. No chains, no cufflinks, no…
Hold up.
I quickly snapped two links from the silver pendant chain and held them in my shaking palm. In all my years of performing the ritual, I had never seen anything so small, so pathetic. But, it was all I had. I put them on a wee outcropping of brick to the left of the crack, carefully so as not to drop them, although my quivering hands meant that I had to try three times before they settled into their place. They looked as small and as fragile as two hummingbird eggs.
The black smoke twisted and grabbed around my waist as I tipped the candle and dripped the wax into the small void between bricks. I completed the next steps of the ritual and stepped back.
And waited.
Nothing happened.
I don’t know if my half-assed version of the ritual didn’t work once you were already in the Cellar. Perhaps the linked items didn’t work, or the seal was wrong. Of if my thinking itself was wrong and the rules that applied in the world also applied down here, but I didn’t have time to find out.
Whatever had been stalking me had just turned the corner, leaving me trapped in the brick-lined hallway as the black smoke seemed to turn solid and root me to the floor.
I braced for the impact I knew was coming any second now. With the hammer in one hand, and that screwdriver thing in the other, I kept my eyes peeled on the fog. I was in flight or fight mode, and the flight option had been taken from me.
The scraping I’d heard earlier paled in comparison to what I was hearing now. The sound of the scraping was intensified, and beneath it was another sound entirely. It was a sound I’d only ever heard in movies, all squishy and fleshy. The kind of thing a foley artist would get from peeling off chunks of raw meat and rubbing them together vigorously.
Next came the smell, all toxic and rotten. It made my eyes burn and water, clouding my vision. It burned my nose and throat, leaving a strange acidic taste in my mouth. Fear gripped my spine. Whatever this thing was had more or less disabled me and I hadn’t even seen it yet!
Just as that thought settled in my brain, it slowly emerged from the fog before me. No description I can provide here will truly do it justice, though I’ll do my best.
It was all tea leaves and Rorschach to me. Shapes that should make sense to my brain, but for whatever reason weren’t. Its structure was somewhere between melted wax and slime, so even if some semblance of shape was briefly recognizable it was always shifting.
The only thing that made sense was its mouth, as far as enormous rotting maws full of goo dripping razors made sense anyway. Unable to focus on the rest of its face, that’s what I stared at.
So, there I stood, unable to move and facing my impending doom. In that moment, I did what any sane person would do in that situation…I pissed myself. Most of it was from fear, but there was a tiny little voice on my head that insisted it was in defiance. If it was going to eat me, the least I could do was make myself smell and taste less appealing.
It scraped and oozed its way ever closer, until it was standing directly in front of me. It places ruined and vaguely hand-shaped things on my shoulders and leaned in. The tea leaves and Rorschach shifted again, this time creating some semblance of a face as its structure hardened.
Two endless pits appeared where eyes would have been in a normal face. From them seeped the same greenish-yellow light I’d seen earlier. Two slits appeared below them as it leaned in to sniff me.
Suddenly, my senses returned to me, I raised the hammer and… I’m going to start calling this thing a pick now. Typing the words screwdriver thing just isn’t doing it for me. So, yeah, I raised the hammer and the pick as it leaned in. I quickly positioned the pick in the center of its forehead and slammed the hammer down on the flat edge of it, driving that pick right into the creature’s brain.
With the lobotomy achievement unlocked, I took a moment to breathe. I’d done it! I’d…made it angry. Its mouth opened wider and a roar ripped from its throat with all the effects of a concussion grenade. My hearing was shot and my brain was acting like I was under water. My feet suddenly came free from the floor and I stumbled backwards and fell onto my ass.
It continued to roar as it moved forward, slime still dripping from the razors in its mouth. My ears were ringing so hard I couldn’t even hear the scrape and squish from earlier. I scooted backwards until my back hit a wall. There was nowhere left to go.
Closer it came, looming over me now. The slime coated my face as I stared up into that roaring maw. I could feel it burning my skin. I lost myself in the endless pools of sickly light as I waited to die.
The hand-like shapes grabbed my ankles and tugged hard as it turned, dragging me behind it. I could feel every crack of the uneven floor as it tore my clothes and scraped my skin. I ditched the hammer, useless without the pick still stuck in the creature’s skull. I was on the lookout for anything I might be able to use when I noticed the pendant and its broken chain. I palmed it, chain and all, as I slid by it.
On we went, it dragged me through the maze of rooms and corridors to some mysterious destination. Some floors were smoother than others, and for those sections I was thankful. My clothing was being quickly reduced to shreds, and if this journey went on much longer I feared the same would happen to my flesh.
I’d seen things that might be useful as we went, but nothing that was within my reach. The creature never stopped, and there was no way to increase my height while in a constant state of movement. I managed to hold the pendant above my head. It glowed much more strongly now, and it illuminated the creature dragging me away. Except, what I saw was not a monster. A frail, naked woman, gripping me with impossible strength. Just before I gave up and closed my eyes, she turned to me, and the fraction of a second my eyes remained open was enough for me to recognise the face that stared back. And good God, it scared my brain blank.
By the time it released its grip on me, we’d just entered an area that emanated pure darkness. With the sheer amount of pain I was in, I almost didn’t realize the pressure around my ankles was disappearing. The floor here was smooth and cold, soothing my aches just enough to sober me, but not enough to take them away.
I stayed that way for a while. It’s impossible to say how long I was laying there in the darkness. My hearing was slowly getting back to being useful, and I neither heard nor felt any sign of the creature’s presence now. Eventually, the adrenaline fled my system and the pain took over completely.
Just as my eyelids began to droop from sheer exhaustion, a bright light flooded the room and nearly blinded me. It shocked me awake and I scrambled to get my legs beneath me. I turned to look around the room on wobbly legs, trying to determine from which direction the danger would come from next.
As my eyes adjusted, the light seemed to dim and become stained with the same tint I’d seen in the creature’s eyes - sickly, sallow green. The first thing I could identify was far above me. Hanging, like a chandelier from a ceiling drenched in shadow, was a black moon. Beams of glowing midnight fanned out from it, revealing that the Cellar’s structural elements were gone. Only one structure stood before me.
A great podium of pockmarked ashen rock, perhaps basalt, rose about three stories high, with a spiraling staircase hewn from it, coiling to the very top. The tower rested on nothing, and a sudden wave of vertigo took me when I noticed chunks and chips from the tower, suspended in motion below it, below where I was standing, as if God had pressed pause at the moment of its ruin and forgotten to press play again.
Placed on the flat peak of the tower, sunworn with most of its spindles either snapped or missing, was a chair. Maybe oak, but it was too far gone to tell. And atop that, resting in the chair as if it were a notice of reservation, I saw a battered crown. A crown better fit for melting down than to be worn with any dignity. And yet, past the ugly skin of it, I sensed temptation, so deep and eternal it inspired an almost primal sense of want - no, better yet, need. I had to have it, without being sure why.
On the periphery of this void space, I detected movement. Figures wreathed in dark, shifting and shuddering. I had no fear, I simply ignored them and approached the bottom of the stairs, entranced.
A few steps, and I hissed in pain. My palm burned. The pendant, yes, I’d managed to grab it while being ferried to this place. Now, in the presence of the black moon above, it radiated both light and searing heat. I threaded the broken chain through the loop affixed to the pendant and held it up in front of me.
Like an oil lantern, I thought.
The light… it had a special quality about it. I remembered how it illuminated the creature’s face, and–
My skin flushed. No, that wasn’t real. A trick of the mind, of the light in the Cellar. That’s all. That reasoning was made ever more flimsy when I shone the pendant on the tower. It looked different in the light. At first I was unable to distinguish what stood before me, so I took a few steps back.
A skeleton. Two skeletons, in fact, entangled in death. The first and largest of the two appeared to be that of an enormous, winged humanoid, an outstretched hand serving as the chair in which the crown was nestled. The second was that of an equally massive serpent, coiled around the first skeleton, its head trapped beneath the winged humanoid’s reaching hand.
I hadn’t appreciated the thick silence until it was broken. A voice rang out, saying,
“Is one such as thee so uncaring, or simply aloof?”
Without needing to see its source, I knew exactly who that voice belonged to.
“Nope. Just bored and curious.”
The voice erupted into a dry cackle, and the void moon in the sky pulsed in rhythm. I tore free a hanging shred from my shirt, all ripped up thanks to that creature, and used it to swaddle the pendant, muffling the sight of the two skeletons. Again, I saw a stone tower, and I promptly made my way to the staircase and began to ascend.
I soon reached the top, a plateau that suggested the tower had once been much taller, but at some point, was cleaved apart. I tried not to think of what could have possibly done such a thing, instead turning my attention to the chair.
It was occupied. Sitting in it was a man, facing away from me, wearing that same battered crown. The tattered ribbons of his robes seemed to float, as if underwater, and parted to make way as I rounded the chair to stand in front. The man’s eyes looked so empty. The scars on his forehead spelling the word “KING” wrinkled in a scowl, and those eyes remained unfocused as he spoke again.
“At least you know now.”
“Know what?” I replied.
“That this is all there is. You can go no further. There is nothing beyond this accursed tomb. Regardless, you did something you should not have. Did you come here with a death wish?”
“I…”
The gravity of the situation came crashing down. Here I was, in the Gatekeeper’s domain, utterly helpless to do anything but listen as his voice emerged again like crackling embers, reignited by the wind.
“There, in thine hand. You cannot hide it from me, you know.”
I stuttered, fighting for air. At this, the Gatekeeper’s lips stretched into a cracked and inflamed smile.
“What else? Is this fool dissatisfied with his new plaything?”
“Yeah,” I said, surprised by my own aplomb, “I guess I’m looking for something else. Rest assured, this here pendant is the only thing I’ll be leaving with, physically speaking.”
His smile fell to a smirk, accompanied by a cocked eyebrow.
“And again I ask; art thou without empathy, or simply lacking sense? You would stand there, in front of me, whilst the wager is in my hand, and think nothing of it?”
“But I haven’t lost yet, have I?”
“You were going to leave with… show me.”
I shielded the cloth-wrapped pendant from view.
“Why?”
“I beseech thee, show me!”
Reluctantly, I extricated it from the layers of cloth, and presented the pendant, chain and all. On seeing it, the Gatekeeper devolved back into a rasping chuckle.
“Ah, that. How coincidental!”
“How so?” I asked cautiously.
“Thy wager, maggot. That which you love most, and hold most dear to thy glassen little heart. Do not deceive thyself; you saw her, didst thou not? That pendant is a special relic indeed.”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. That creature…
“I… I saw… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Immediately, all the smugness dropped from his face. His sore-ridden skin contorted with anger, lined by warty ridges. He shot up from the chair, a way that didn't seem to utilize three dimensions. Made my head hurt. It was as if he’d vanished and materialized standing face-to-face with me. He spoke in a growl of controlled wrath.
“Oh? Hast thine eyes become foggy? Then let it be made clear: last time, I let you believe you won. You did not. Thus, the wager for this visit - being the same one you’ve used every time - was, how to put it… expired. What– who you love most. Well, loved most.”
The Gatekeeper threw his head back and snorted. The very thing I hadn’t wanted to accept crawled down my throat and settled in my stomach, heavy as molten lead, and shrouding my head in a contradictory haze of confused clarity. Then, the Gatekeeper made my fears into reality.
“Oh Mariel! Be a dear and come up for tea.”
Out there in the shadows, one of the shifting figures changed. It crept into the light, became more real somehow. I didn’t turn to look. I couldn’t. Whether it was from some occult force or sheer terror, my muscles wouldn’t budge an inch.
But I could hear it. Wet, frictional, and strangely manufactured, a sound hailing an overpowering stink, growing stronger with every encroaching step, mustard gas, rotten eggs. My eyes began to water from the stench.
My arm rose up with a mind of its own, directing the pendant towards the top of the stairs. Black moonlight burned darker still to resonate with it, invigorating it, and bathing the newly emerged figure in light. For a moment, a fraction of a second, it was all Rorschach and swirling tea leaves again. Teeth like stalactites dripped with secretions below a pair of deep, glowing pits.
The creature entered the light, and stopped.
She looked so, so unhappy. Standing there, naked and withered, all her hair, gone. Her teeth too, leaving behind rotten, puffy gums. Only one eye had been plucked out - not because of any mercy, no. It was more like a punchline. A perverted joke. But one eye was all she needed to convey a kind of anger I’d never seen before. A kind of anger that needed no coal to fuel it. A kind of anger that can never be extinguished. If it weren’t for her emaciated body, she’d have flown into a rampage - and even if she could, no catharsis would ever be enough. She’d have torn me to shreds, she’d have skinned my mother alive in front of me and still it wouldn’t be enough. I barely felt the tears streaming down my cheeks under the scrutiny of that single eye.
Tears right for the ritual, I thought.
I tried to speak, to say anything at all, but my throat was tight shut. Either way, the Gatekeeper was satisfied.
“I may be one to withhold information, but I am no more a liar than you are honest to thyself.”
He paused to gaze at her. At my love. At the thing I valued most, and it really hit me then. The magnitude of what I’d lost. Not just Mariel, but my trust in… everything. Gone.
“Okay, Mariel. That will be plenty from thee.”
With a flick of his wrist, the Gatekeeper sent her tumbling through the air, off the tower, and back into the dark, where she will remain until the stars themselves are lost.
“Worms, the lot of them. They don’t understand the purpose of this place, of why it was made. Of what it houses. It is something demons covet, and that God sent angels seeking for. Do you seek it, sojourner?”
I felt whatever force that held me in place lift from my body, and I wheeled around to face the Gatekeeper again, staring him down with my smoldering indignance. The pendant, as if empathizing, flared, bright as a tungsten filament, more than enough to illuminate the face of the man before me - and his, too, was a facade.
Gone was his giddy rictus, bloated with greed and derision. The eyes now staring deep into my own were dour and heavy - not with wrath, but misery. It made Mariel look quite comfortable by comparison. It was the face of the first to grieve, of one whose eyes have cried themselves dry as salt.
His voice underlined that sentiment. A withered croak that told of ancient ruins lost beneath desert sand and, above all, sounded unequivocally honest.
“I… it is no treasure they seek. Power it is not, nor any blessing of the sort. I have been its keeper for… since… I don’t know. Too long.”
The Gatekeeper laughed, but it was hollow and came out more as a flurry of gasps.
“Do you want to know?”
A cold chill flushed my entire body. I know the right choice would’ve been, “no,” but the only thought running through my mind was, “I’ve come this far.”
So I nodded.
“What could have such value, that God Himself cannot already conjure? Well, in a way, He did create it. But it was an accident. A side-effect, a natural byproduct of the creation of something that lives on to this day, something that continues to exist within all of His children on Earth. It is the shadow of that, and also the relinquishment of it. I speak with you now freed from its grasp - the one you have been speaking with is not me. I do not– cannot control this vessel. I can only observe as it acts on its own.”
“Just tell me!” I yelled, not out of impatience, but mounting terror. The Gatekeeper continued as if he hadn’t heard me.
“ I still don’t understand why it does the things it does. It shouldn’t be doing anything, because it is the anti-will. The shadow of agency, the counterpart that was necessary to be born to allow the freedom of choice, the very same you used to decide to visit this place. I don’t know what that pendant is, but oh, it is good to breathe again. To speak. The ones who covet the anti-will… perhaps I’m too small and insignificant to comprehend their motives. Why, God? Why would you want to abandon yourself? Please, my friend, you have to free me, you–”
I’d heard enough. In one shaky motion I drew back the pendant, and no sooner had I stashed it away than the Gatekeeper leapt at me, all his rage and hunger returned. I understood now. The entity before me was impossible, and yet here it was. The emptiness where a will should be, not only acting by itself, but grabbing me by the throat to pull me in close.
“Answer me! Wilt thou, or wilt thou not?”
I strained to force words past cold fingers tightening around my windpipe.
“W-what? Will I what?”
“DAREST THOU TEST ME!?”
Had some hidden conversation taken place when I was speaking with the Gatekeeper - the real one? Had something been asked of me? I didn’t have time to rationalize, all I knew was my vision was turning black, so I did all I could think of to release myself.
“Yes, okay, yes I will, I–”
With that, he let go, spilling me onto the ground where I clawed at my throat and gasped for air.
“Very well. Thou hast come far, and so I bestow upon thee this gift. Remember, one thing at a time, so I will be taking this. Don’t be greedy.”
He bent down and snatched the pendant, still glowing dimly. Without pause, he straightened, and pointed a finger directly upwards, at the black moon hanging above. On cue, it burst like a popped water balloon, raining a supernova of shadow down on my shivering body. I felt the ground disappear from under my hands. I rose, up and up towards an empty filament, and with one final glance, I saw the Gatekeeper. The power released from the shattered moon reinvigorated the pendant and it shone on his face. That tired, eternally tortured face. It was smiling. His body seemed to decay in time lapse into flakes, flittering away in an unfelt breeze. With the last vestiges of his strength, I heard him whisper something that sounded like,
“Thank… you… from the bottom of my heart…”
A dark tunnel filled with blinking lights - or eyes - and the sensation of something worming its way inside my body.
Then, I was back. Back in the abandoned building on the outskirts of town. I checked myself, no pendant, as I expected. Was the Gatekeeper telling the truth? The anti-will? I didn’t understand. Had I reAlly bEEn givEN THE DEATH OF CHOICE???
STOP THIS I suppose the Gatekeeper must have punished me for breaking the rules, and forced me to leave empty-handed. Yes, that’s it; empty-handed.
Now, most of you reading will have thought by now: why share this experience? How does it provide any significant insight into the ritual itself?
I think it’s as simple as being prepared. Would you go skydiving without seeing some footage beforehand? Would you tempt the wolves, not knowing their predilections? If so, well, fools are still welcome in the Cellar, but it’s more fun when there’s a challenge.
I’m running out of time. If I want to get this out there, it needs to be done now. I’ve inherited such a terrible curse wonderful gift, and what is a game without the gamemaster?
So come on, plunge your hands into the lucky dip, take your pick and GET OUT LET ME OUT go home a little richer. Or perhaps you’ve lost something - in which case, I know just the place to search, so come and take back what is rightfully yours. Or something that isn’t. THIS IS NOT M Serendipity, I say.
I look forward to the fun we are going to have.

Hello, when I was a teenager I moved into my fathers home for the first time in California. I had some paranormal experiences in this house, that I often now joke about with friends, as I believe it 100% was my own fault. I´ve never shared my story with strangers or people who might have insight - so here goes.
My stepmother would always say her deceased father was around and would mess with things whenever my father and her got into an argument - like misplacing his things during the night so he would be late for work the day after etc. I never really believed this, as I wouldn´t put it past her to hide his things herself. But my stepmother and I would often talk about the paranormal and ghosts. We didn´t come from a religious family or anything, so it was always a very open discussion.
Our house was right next to a cemetery on the other side of our fence. I was 16 and loved listening to scary stories on YouTube whilst painting, doing homework etc. My stepmother and I had talked about Ouija boards, and since I was an, i guess, "edgy" teenager, I bought one. I spoke to my friends about it and they were all very intrigued with the idea of trying it.
The first time we tried playing with it was Halloween night at the cemetery next to my house. The security was amped up this night, so my 3 friends and I found a large tombstone to hide behind and play - so we wouldn't be seen from the road. Absolutely nothing happened this night, which gave me this kind ego about it, where I took it even less serious.
The second time I tried it was also my last. Once again this was a group effort with my 2 friends, both with the same name, which can be kind of confusing, so I will just call them C and R.
We did a more "official" seance, and did a quick Google how to search beforehand. We lit candles, and planed to have me and R holding the planchet with blindfolds on, so C could read out potential responses. We asked a few questions with no response, but suddenly the planchet moved around. I had assumed that R and C were trying to fool me, so I wasn´t scared or believing it completely. We asked for the entities name, and I cant for the life of me remember it, but it sounded like an old, old hebrew name. We got bored eventually after a few more boring responses, said goodbye - and that was that.
After this time of playing with the board, things started to happen in our home. It started out so small I don´t even remember much of the stuff in the beginning or a chronological timeline of events.
I started waking up in the middle of the night and would feel this strong presence in the corner of my room by the door. I oddly never felt frightened, as the energy felt, i dont know, "female". I would just roll over and fall back asleep after starring into the dark for a bit. I would also feel strange in the guest bathroom, and would avoid going in there at all costs. I thought at the time it was the lighting, that was strange. It was very bright and reminded me of a Sephora or makeup store - it would just make me feel extremely aware and anxious.
The event that started amping up the activity was when I fell sick for 2 weeks. I almost never get sick, but was incredibly unwell and ended up going to the doctor, who gave me antibiotics I turned out to be allergic to, so I got more ill and had a bad rash all over my chest and stomach. During the time I was sick I stayed in the guest bedroom, as my parents were redoing their bathroom, and they also, did not like the guest bathroom - so they used mine.
I hated being in the guest room when I was sick. I was in the most confusing fever dream at all times, and felt like I was being watched and that the energy was being sucked out of me. I felt like a huge, dark weight was on me when lying down. I would feel better if I left the room and slept on the couch or snuck into my room. I heard voices speaking to me in the dead of night, that despite being sick I could brush off - as I was self aware enough to know I had a burning fever and probably was hallucinating.
When I finally got better and got my room back, I slept like a baby the first night. Until the energy followed me in there. I would wake up every night and the energy in the corner of my room, would suddenly feel threatening instead. I would hear new noises in my room, that had never been there before. I know exactly what the AC sounded like, how often it turned on, the noise the door would make when it would turn on - or my dogs would lay up against it on the other side. I started hearing noises from behind me, which made no sense as it was just a wall. It sounded like scratching. I had complained about it so much, we ended up getting our house checked for a rodents.
Around this time is when I would get touched when I would walk down the hallway past the guest bathroom. It was always so subtle, that I wouldn't realize until I had walked into the kitchen. I also started listening to music 24/7 at home, so I wouldn't react if the spirit or spirits would speak to me. I felt like acknowledging it would make it worse, so up until this point I had tried to ignore all of this and brush it off.
One night my parents went out for dinner and would get me something to go on their way back, so I could stay at home and chill. I was standing in the laundry room which is right by our open concept livingroom and kitchen. I was scooping dog food for my 2 German Sheppards who were hovering over their bowls next to me. Suddenly I heard a lady say "hey T". T is the nickname my family uses for me, and since it was a womans voice I turned towards the door and go "yeah" - thinking it was my stepmother. My gaze automatically locked on the hallway that proceeds the kitchen straight across from me, when I realized I was home alone. I looked down at my dogs next to me and they also had their eyes glued, to the same spot as me, and reacted at the same speed. I walked a few steps out and my dogs followed timidly, which was strange. Suddenly like I was in a cheesy horror film. My dogs ball rolled from behind the kitchen counter and stopped when it hit the wall ahead of us. Keep in mind my doggos were sat right next to me, so they couldnt have dropped the ball and it rolled. I was so in shock but remembered my family had the Life360 app, where we can see each others location. So I check, and my parents were going well over the speedlimit on the freeway 20 minutes away. I didn't even know what to do, so I just fed my dogs with tears in my eyes and went to hide by my desk in my room.
The scariest event that happened although terrifying and sat with me for a long time, I still take with a grain of salt as I had smoked some weed a few hours before. I hadn´t tried it many times before that, but had gotten home and took a nice warm shower and listened to some music. I normally got super paranoid when high, but I was coming down from it and more relaxed than usual. I was so relaxed I even walked around my room naked after I had gotten out the shower, which is something I never do - as I am extremely reserved and find clothing comforting. But I was walking around my room and wanted to move my bowl of sewing pins from my dresser over to my desk. I dropped the bowl, and had to bend down and dig into my nude carpet to find all of them again. As I bent down, all naked and volnurable, I suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on me and heard whispers from the walls I guess. It was coming from all around, so I was hurrying to pick up the pins. My vision also started to blur and I was feeling a tightness in my chest. Suddenly I head a deep growl from over my shoulder, that made my entire body tense up, all the hairs raised and instant goosebumps along with tears in my eyes. I jumped into my bed, to feel a sense of comfort and hide my body from this invisible thing. I layed in my bed and hid like a little kid even though I was 16 years old. I have never been so frightened in my life. I laid there for so long and had to pee so bad but dreading having to get up again. I FaceTimed my best friend to comfort me and explain what had happened, so I felt safer getting up, quickly throwing on some clothes and went to the bathroom. This experience scared me so bad I also didnt touch weed for over 2 years, but when I hit Uni I became a functional pothead during exams, and have never had any experiences like this when high.
After this event, nothing major and scary happened again. I would still hear a womans voice from time to time, and our kitchen sink would turn on so I could hear it from my room. But that was the last time I was scared of anything paranormal. After my family moved to another state nothing else has happened to me since. My stepmother threw my Ouija board out during the move so it never got to touch base in the new house.
I feel that from playing with the Ouija board I opened up some sort of contact that otherwise wouldn't have been known. I have tried to psychoanalyse the situation and the living situation I was in. My family was extremely emotionally toxic, and we had our issues thats for sure. So I have considered if the mental toll of my family dynamic manifested itself in some anxieties for this unseen force. However, in the new house nothing has ever happened - and our family dynamic became worse there, so I dont believe thats the cause.
I´d like to hear what you think? Was I just a paranoid and anxious teen with some family troubles and interest in the paranormal that then made me believe things were happening around me? Or did I open some communication with R and C through the board that one night? Or a whole third option?
I seriously doubt anyone has made it this far in my story, as it is very long - but if you are reading this, then thank you for the time of day

Dangerous Love 6
Nathan loved Megan to the moon and back. She had filled his heart with beautiful love. When it was cold at night, she breezed through the air more subtle than a celestial being in heaven, cuddled him with her soft body, and kept him warm before he found himself alone with his arms wrapped around his own body like a political prisoner in Guantanamo Bay. Nathan could nether adapt nor get used to the idea of spending the rest of his life without Megan; he was feeling a bit down in the dumps and his mind tried to downplay the gravity of his obsession, as though it was a walk in the park, but his heart wouldn’t allow it. It wanted to get the secret out; his love for her was unconditional and he yearned for her day and night. He needed her like the air that he breathed in. The voices in his head told him that it wasn’t the end of the world to keep the hope alive; he should move on, but he thought that it was Armageddon: the showdown between good and evil. He was between heaven and the deep blue sea. Having her in his life was a blessing; he could never get enough of her, but not being able to be with his soulmate was torment. Suddenly, a dreadful thought crossed his mind. God forbid what if she got sick, diagnosed with a terminal illness, and gave up the ghost before he saw her again. He didn’t really believe in a past life or reincarnation before. But ever since he met Megan, everything had changed. He thought that it would be a shame if she only lived one life and checked out. A beautiful girl like her deserved billions of lifetimes if not eternal life in the kingdom of Heaven whether she committed a sin or not. Her beauty was mind-blowing. If William Shakespeare had met her by chance in a past life, he would have immortalized her with a sonnet.

• "Shall I compare thee to a rose in the Garden of Eden?
• Thou art more beautiful and more divine:
• Heavenly flowers do wither like the Honeysuckles in Sweden,
• And their petals fall too soon to be considered fine;
• Sometime too untouchable thorns on the stem sprout in disarray,
• And often is its pink complexion lose its luster;
• And every glamor from glamor sometime dew droplets melt away.
• In case, time ruins nature and gets all in a fluster;
• But thy eternal beauty shall not dwindle in the snow,
• Nor lose ownership of that beauty thou possess;
• Nor shall death touch thee with its lifeless shadow,
• Thou live for eternity with sonnets that lips bless:
• And so long as the stars shine in the universe
• or heart can do what it loves to do,
• So long as poetry lives for better or worse,
• and this gives everlasting life to you."

Yet, eternity could wait. Megan had touched his heart in ways he couldn't explain. Nathan thought that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He loved her more than words could ever express. But his heart was injured. It had been searching for her day and night and it had fallen into a ditch and broken every spirits in its body, as if his soul was made of glass. Megan made his heart skip a beat. She had turned the blood in his heart into wine and his soul into stardust. Nathan wished that she returned to him safe and sound. They would have kissed under the moonlight and made the stars in the sky jealous, which continued to look at them without consequence. Megan had him drunk with love and handed him to wretchedness. His heart had fallen ill. He wanted her to come and nurse his heart like a nurse, who worked at Cleveland Clinic - the top U.S. hospital for cardiology and heart surgery. At least, she should wish him well wherever she was at. It wouldn’t have weighed on him like that. But love had no medicine unless her eyes met his eyes and her lips touched his, and the two paramours locked lips in a passionate kiss. If tears should leave from his eyes that loved her more than life itself and fall down by his cheeks, he wouldn’t dry them till she returned to him; let it burn his face, it was a token of love. His life was dark without her. Nathan once thought that a man could live on bread alone, he didn’t need fruits from the trees of heaven to feed his soul. He then met Megan - an angel of God and he knew that he could not live without her. She was delicious and he loved her so deeply; he gorged on her love like a fox that hadn't ate anything for days, but she took it away before he was full. Now, her love was sitting in his belly like broken glasses and cutting his intestine without remorse figuratively speaking, but he was head over heels in love with her and there was not a word in the dictionary or a star in the milky way for how much he loved and adored her and he missed a lot and longing was tearing him apart like a shark. What kind of love was that? Maybe, it wasn’t love at all. It was a monster who didn’t know anything about love but pain. Nathan might be better off pursuing it vainly. But the truth was he couldn’t help it, it was not up to him, it was up to love. He felt electricity throughout his body when he first laid his eyes on her. It was love at first sight. She was in his heart, consuming his soul like a beautiful creature that came from an exotic planet.
Nathan hoped that he would be fine soon and God would give him strength to carry on. He shouldn’t dwell on it. It was not healthy. His health mattered, didn’t it? Ironically, she was the only person who could restore his heart to health. Her kiss was medicine. It would have given his heart a new life and allowed his heart to beat faster than ever. She had flowers within her beauty, her beauty was unique; it was one of a kind, she was precious to him. When he was with her, his heart took pleasure in seeing her face. Nathan could have gazed at her eyes all day long if he had thought that she would let him get away with it, but he worried it would make her uncomfortable. He truly wished that she hadn’t gone far away from his eyes. His heart had missed her badly. His soul continued to wander, searching for her love in a fruitless quest. How long this suffering was going to last? If it were in its power, his heart would break one of his rib bones, use it as a knife, cut his chest from inside, and jump out of his body. It would then scour the earth, find her, and be where she was at. Nathan knew that he could never get accustomed to eat, drink, sleep, get up in the morning or live without her. She completed him like how oxygen completed the earth, roses completed the Garden of Eden, and angels completed heaven. He thought they fitted together like puzzle pieces. He loved her with every fiber of his being. Nathan wished that he had shared the joy in his heart with her; his heart was like a garden that had a pond. Every time his soul came to the pond and looked at its image on the blood. It saw her face. It tried to kiss her but kept drowning like Narcissus... except it wasn’t falling in love with its own reflection. She had become his soul. His soul and she were one. His soul kept screaming from top of its lungs, but there was no sound but echo. She was the force that made his heart beat.
Nathan knew nothing but love. Whenever he thought about her smile, he got goosebumps. His skin developed rashes. He transformed into a different creature like a mutant in x men. In case, he had nervous breakdown, went mad, removed his clothes, and ran in the street naked, they would mistake him for a giant chameleon and keep him in a zoo. She might come there and visit him without knowing that she had something to do with why he was in the cage in the first place. He was slave to love. Love had sold him to her and she was making his heart work overtime for what it was worth. His heart continued to sing blues, He loved her more than life itself, she was the only thing that had been missing in his life and there was nothing that she could do to prevent him from loving her unconditionally; he loved her with all his heart and he would continue to love her till hell freeze over. People told themselves that there was peace in the world and continued to live their lives without fear of death. They laughed at their own jokes. They ate till they were full. They drank till they quenched their thirsts. They danced till they felt tingling in their feet. They slept without nightmares. They waked up feeling safe and happy. They found things that interested them and did what they could. They thanked god for all his blessings to them and their families for the strength he gave them each day and for all the folks around them who made life more meaningful. But Nathan was at war with love. Love had waged war when he kept bringing her face to his memories. There was no peace in his heart but sadness, melancholy, and nostalgia. He didn’t eat enough. He didn’t drink to quench his thirst but to forget her. He didn’t dance. Lovesick feet had no rhythm same as guilty ones. He dreamed about kissing her under the Eiffel Towel, but a tiger attacked him right after she walked away; the tiger tore his chest with its claws, snatched his heart out of his body, and ate it. Nathan woke up in the morning with fever, sweat and headache. He didn’t bother to thank god for the strength he gave him because he was getting weaker and weaker by the minute. A reminiscence of good old days and a girl, whom he loved madly, had taken a toll on him. His heart favored her more than anything else in the world. What should he do?
Each day, Nathan cut his heart in the shape of a rose, plucked a petal, and threw it in the air whenever her face came to his eyes like how a child plucked a petal of a daisy and played: "she loves me," and "she loves me not." Megan danced in his eyes from dawn to dusk and beyond. Nathan's heart was like a rose. In the morning, it was fresh and full covered with dew droplets like a Scarlet Tanager in the rain. He thought about her all day; yearning and searching for her love in vain. His heart became dry, he became thirsty, something in his soul screamed for her kisses. He was in pain. His heart had always quenched its thirst with her kisses... sweet as the wines in France. He had always counted on her to provide him with basic needs of his heart and emotional support. Love brought her beautiful face to his eyes and his heart continued to scream to no avail and the flowers in his heart withered when the sun set. The petals fell in his tummy, turned into poison, and killed the butterflies in his belly. He felt empty, but that didn’t bother him at all. What troubled him was the thorns. They were like barbed wire. At night, they grew in his lungs fiercely, shredded his respiratory system to pieces, and forbidden him to breathe. Nathan tossed and turned and barely managed two hours sleep and when he waked up in the morning, his heart was full again covered with dew droplets like a Rose in Madrid. New cycle of love and pain began before he even got up from bed.
Nathan couldn’t get her out of his mind. Wind had blown between them; and love didn’t disappear but she vanished. He didn’t know where to look for her. If his soul should continue to leap out of his body and search for her, he might run into her. Megan had turned his soft heart into cotton, spun it with a spindle, converted it to yarn, knitted it into a dress by interlacing the fabric of his heart, and worn it without bras and underwear, as if it were the new fashion trend. It fitted every curve, twist, and turn on her body. She was a goddess of love and sex... Sometimes, Nathan could feel the heat that her body was producing, as though his heart and her body invented the biochemistry of telepathic connection. If the birds heard about love, they would pull off the feathers on their skins and fly in the sky without a single drop of feather; If the butterflies tasted love, they would flap their wings vigorously and cause typhoon on the spot. And if Megan felt the love in his heart, she would have gone mad, removed her skirt, and run in the street naked... except they would not confuse her with a chameleon and put her in a zoo. They would just mistake her for an angel that fell from the sky, put her in a museum and gaze at her eyes till they closed the gallery, but Nathan would hide in the Custodial Closet, come out, and kiss her till he was out of breath...
Nathan's life was a fairy tale. His memories were like a photograph album. Every page had her face. His soul liked to go through them. It would never get bored with flapping the pages and looking at them. In fact, it was like motion picture. Her hypnotic eyes, her aphrodisiac lips, her radiant face, and her enigmatic smile had brought joy, great energy, enthusiasm, and enjoyment to his soul but made his heart worry beyond measure and it had left him with sweet misery. Longing was pain in the heart. It took him by surprise. Maybe, it didn’t take him by surprise; he remembered when he kissed her for the first time, he knew that he couldn’t breathe without her; she belonged to him and he belonged to her from there to eternity. Nathan thought that love was created for the sole purpose of making someone’s life a living blues, in other words, burning a man with blue flames. Yearning had scorched him to his bones. He could see her in his eyes, he could taste her on his lips, he could smell her in his soul, he could hear her in his head, he could feel her in his heart, she vibrated in every cell in his anatomy with mystique, rhapsody, fondness, and beauty; it was a matter of time before his spirit separated from his flesh, floated in the air, left earth’s atmosphere, turned into a star, burst in space, and became a blue Nebula. He saw a star in a grain of sugar and a heaven in a rose, held infinity in the palm of his hand and eternity in his heart even though it was for a short period of time. He understood how William Blake felt till she slipped through his fingers and his world fell apart.
Nathan was in heaven; when he kissed her, his heart absorbed the sweetness in her essence like a brand-new sponge and held it dearly, as if his life depended on it. Soon, she left him high and dry. Longing squeezed his heart till it was empty. The love in his heart dropped in his pelvis and danced flamingo in his belly. It was her. The fiber of his being trembled like a Spanish guitar and his soul fell in his tummy and danced tango with her. They spoke the language of passion, made the law of attraction work in their favor, produced electrical pulses and waves of tenderness, and read each other’s thoughts while dancing with the rhythm of seduction. His soul then kissed her, lifted her in the air and brought her back to his heart. It was quite an experience or rather a drama. William Shakespeare once said, "All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts." That was very true. But his heart played only one part. It was love. Nathan couldn’t get enough of her even though she had left him with a broken heart. He wouldn’t dare part with her by means of simple farewell like lovers, who would wish the best for each other, hope everything went well for them, say goodbye, and drift away from each other. Megan lived and breathed inside of him. Every cell in his heart, every gram of his soul, every neuron in his brain, every ripple in his blood, and every fiber of his being were screaming for her. She made his heart suffer beyond pain and misery. His world had turned upside down.
Nathan thought that it was selfish on her part and if she knew anything about love, she wouldn’t have left him this way; she walked away from his life like how people walked away from a movie theater after they watched a romantic comedy and that was not even the saddest part. She took his heart with her. The heart that he had in his chest was a replica. His soul grew it from scratch to keep things in perspective, but it felt pain just as the original. What should he do? Every atom in his body had showed an unfair predilection for her, but whatever hope that he had in his heart was dwindling away. Longing had chained his soul like a slave that kept running away and made him build a cathedral in his heart that was head and shoulders above Saint Sophia Cathedral in Kyiv, so every fiber of his being could worship her more than ever. When he died, he would become her guardian angel. He thought that the road of life had probably ascended to fulfill her desire, the wind was always at her back... except when she was in a convertible driving in the streets of Beverly Hills; it gusted on her face gently, and she smiled without a care in the world while her hair was blowing in the air, and the sun shined sweet upon her beautiful face, The rains fell the softest upon her garden, the roses blossomed gloriously, but the thorns grew fierce, and she did whatever she pleased, and there was nothing God could do about it. He could only watch her as she set the world on fire.
Basically, the world was her oyster. She did anything that she wanted to, went where her feet took her, blew everybody’s mind, broke hearts, and ruled all mankind. On the other hand, Nathan kept running into problems. His soul went hither and thither in the streets of yearning like a refugee in Rome, got thirsty, entered a blues bar, drank true love with an empty stomach till his liver turned into indigo, and returned home (to his beloved fantasy) wobbling, as if he got hit by a car while trying to cross the street, but he walked it off. Nathan even thought that he got hit by a car; it was a hit-and-run, and the driver was Megan. He would file a lawsuit against her and demand that she should be held accountable for her action. She had injured his heart and he was suing her for one million kisses. He thought the punishment would fit the crime. That was just 1 problem. His heart was so anxious. It couldn’t tell the difference between pain and glory. He longed to be with her. He wished that gravity didn’t apply to him; he himself could have floated in the air, left earth’s atmosphere, grown a rose on the moon, cut it, returned to earth, and given it to her without his feet touching the ground. That was the least he could do for her beauty. When he saw her smiling, his soul exited from his body and danced in the air. His heart made a promise that he would die for her. But nobody told him that love would drive him crazy. Perhaps, love was not so much cruel as yearning or they could be the same thing. One couldn’t exist without the other, could they? They were two sides of a same coin. Nathan thought Pablo Neruda must have met Megan in the past life. He wrote Sonnet XI for her. Sonnet XI was written in Spanish. Nathan changed few words (here and there) to make it rhyme in English.

• I crave your kisses, your voice, your hair.
• Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
• Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me like toxic air.
• I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps,
• As night falls quiet and day heats.
• I hunger for your sleek laugh and fairy tales,
• your hands the color of a savage sun in the beach,
• hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
• I want to gorge on your skin like a peach.
• I want to gorge on the sovereign grace on your radiant face,
• And the sunbeam flaring on your lovely body.
• I want to gorge on the fleeting shade of your lashes,
• And the scintillating heavens in your risqué eyes
• that are bawdy.
• And I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight of a lily,
• hunting for you, for your hot heart,
• like a puma in the barrens of Chile.

Inspired by Pablo Neruda, Nathan thought that he could come up with something original. "I yearn for the stars in your eyes, I yearn for your kisses, your touch, your scent. Wounded and thirsty, I let my soul roam in the city of melancholy without my heart’s consent. Consumed with desire, I meditate on your beautiful face and give myself to devotion. And knowing I can never be free, I have allowed my heart to set my feelings in motion. Water can’t quench my thirst, the blue-sky bores me. Dreams don’t feed my soul anymore, as if they were nothing but white lies. I’m addicted to your love potion. Nothing makes me happy but the rays in your beautiful eyes. They live in me like the tempests in the Pacific Ocean. It doesn't matter whether love was sweet or sour. Something beautiful has left my body in bright daylight, searching for the perfume of your being, as though nobody told it the limits of its power. And my aching heart refuses to sleep at night, longing for the aroma of your flower. My mind keeps wandering like the wind in Sahara desert. It doesn't know what love is, but understands why I'm hurt. My soul screams like a butterfly that got stung by a honey bee. It couldn't help but exit my body in the count of three, and continues to search for thee, So, he could possess your heart like a demon, who masters the art of romance from A to Z, And bring you back to me. I want to kiss you till I quench my thirst with the philter in your essence that embellishes your beautiful face with splendor and grace. I would not part my lips till my spirit separates from my flesh and disappears without a trace. Your lips are like sugar volcanos erupting beyond love and death. I am addicted to them like whiskey and meth. They hurl defiance at the delight of heaven, The sweetness of Venus, and the fatality of Morta. My heart bleeds for them like a deer that got shot in the aorta. I want to kiss you, deplete the sucrose from your heart, invade the garden of your essence, and steal a red rose. I would decorate my soul with petals like how the angels steal lights from the stars and wear them like clothes. I long for the Hibiscuses on your cheeks. God created the world in 7 days but your cheeks in 2 weeks. I get weak in the knees when they reach scrumptious peaks. Your high cheekbones are dazzling and sharp, as though they were created for climax. When I think about them, Lust cuts my heart in half like an ax. I crave for the celestial golds on your collarbones. They make ivories and pearls seem stones. Just the sight of them changes the structure of my hormones. I get overwhelmed with beautiful feelings whenever I look at your sparkling eyes. They are sweeter than Pecan pies. I want to kiss you and empty the elixir in your soul, which has beautified your irises with magic and hue beyond sunset and sunrise. I will brew a love potion on my lips and trick you into quenching your thirst with true love and making you feel whole like how you cast a spell on me, kissed me where Nobody had ever kissed me before, And took a hold of my soul. You will be addicted to me and refuse to let me go like how you had me at hello. I will turn your pain into passion and your tears into glee like how you swept me off my feet, transported me over the moon, and set my soul free. You wouldn’t know what enters your heart Like how I didn’t know what woke me up with a start. I’ll hunt your love like Cupid, and take you to be my soulmate, to have and to hold from that day forward for beautiful and bad, to love and to cherish, till eternal fire do us part."

https://ibb.co/GWZnh8B https://ibb.co/MR2bfg0 https://ibb.co/fF7K3yd https://ibb.co/z8h3LN3 https://ibb.co/SnCq9dp https://ibb.co/kG8wGQt https://ibb.co/5s9rHF4 https://ibb.co/m5BRZMw https://ibb.co/vJwR2vy https://ibb.co/BZYjLBx https://ibb.co/pvbJBH4 https://ibb.co/R9YGL6w https://ibb.co/g9CV9xK https://ibb.co/3MrLpd3 https://ibb.co/t21c4SP https://ibb.co/qnd8Y3L https://ibb.co/J2Kn8cN https://ibb.co/BjmJsV2 https://ibb.co/GR0DVTn https://ibb.co/fpRq7CV https://ibb.co/grSy1F4 https://ibb.co/6H1mBV9 https://ibb.co/kczRf8b https://ibb.co/59vqqj3 https://ibb.co/S0G0FBX https://ibb.co/b5sVxsT https://ibb.co/nRJJvGR https://ibb.co/CJVnTMf https://ibb.co/WHSqcr8 https://ibb.co/MPF0D2G https://ibb.co/56nFdVX https://ibb.co/52zTg2q https://ibb.co/PDXCdRy https://ibb.co/j5tG6pC https://ibb.co/N2Gz5ZH https://ibb.co/YcNzZyr https://ibb.co/hfRsHzp https://ibb.co/f8Brv3k https://ibb.co/gzfYJ3Y https://ibb.co/fCqDb1J
My 2yo has been having blood in his stool since feb 10th. He eats a ton but also is still nursing. He has a bowel movement every 2-3 days or so. I have ibs symptoms when I take my adderall that actually look similar to the photos below of the person who apologized for posting poop. I was prescribed it 8ish years ago
Here’s the tea
8 years of autoimmune symptoms
I have been suspected of lupus for 8 years
I am baffled because the first doctor I went to after starting this medication 8 years ago was the allergist and told them I think I am allergic! Told me it was unlikely and diagnosed me with chronic idiopathic urticaria. I have developed so many symptoms since then and have been to so many dam doctors.
I am positive I am allergic to my medication, and I’m so concerned now because I breastfeed and my son has exhibited the same rash induced for both of us by heat when I take my medicine (which isn’t everyday unless I need it) except for me even when I don’t take it now I get these hives anytime in the sun or hot shower etc. I several times have asked his doctor, my doctor, my psychiatrist, the pharmacist if this could be from my medicine. Again, unlikely is their response. He constantly has these “viral infections” that he never seems to get over. He is 2 and it feels like since he was like 10 months he has not stopped being sick and like 4 months when he started getting the heat rashes. I think he was 3 months when I went back on this medication.
He gets fevers of unknown origin, constant rashes, wheezing, so many boogers like constant booger crust, constipation, and bloody stool, random vomiting a few times, excessive coughing that sometimes makes him throw up, and sometimes sneezing, sometimes extreme fatigue. He’s literally developed 104.5 fever and rash in the past, over his trunk, arms and groin, shoulders and neck before after I took my medicine for the first time after a few days of stopping it, maybe a couple weeks I stopped. It was always just blown off as a virus. As of this week conjunctivitis in both eyes. Took him to the doctor this week and his ears, throat and eyes looked FINE. To her despite the bit of redness, crusting and puss. She said prob viral once again, nothing to do but wait.
The gag is, my fiancé nor I have gotten conjunctivitis or are sick. Yet at the same time that he developed conjunctivitis I felt like my neck was so sore it was killing me in the back of my neck and the next day the sides were hurting. I noticed the right cervical lymph node was a bit swollen and so painful when I would touch it. I had a severe headache mainly in the right side and when I swallowed the side of my neck where the lymph’s are hurtttt. I also felt I had a pill stuck in the back of my tongue. I check my throat and my uvula is swollen and touching. This is called uvulitis, and yet I’m not sick? Literally no other symptoms no boogers no coughing besides the cough iv has for months, no body fatigue. Tongue felt a bit tingly too which started recently. Every doctor is literally baffled by my skin symptoms, swelling and everything else.
They thought over the years iv had lupus, RA, urticarial vasculitis, seizures, stoke like symptoms etc etc but nothing absolutely nothing comes up. My white blood cells and lymphocytes are usually always high and except on occasion and my neutrophils low since starting this med.
So I start looking up uvulitis and my medicine and bam. Drug induced allergic reaction
I came across kounis syndrome and DRESS. Dress and mimic systemic disease but says it starts 2-8 weeks after the allergic drug is administered but it’s been 8 years!!! I can’t find anything on if it can be present for longer but my first symptom weeks after my first prescription of this drug was hives induced by heat.
My symptoms have been heat hives, I had panic attack symptoms and felt like I was going to pass out so I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with sinus tachycardia. I get bruising on my veins, specifically my hands, wrists and feet and it’s always in the same spots when it happens. I had what presented as urticarial vasculitis in 2018 where I would get random bruises on my legs that would appear in minutes and look like I just got beat. They would disappear in minutes too, only on my legs. Saw a derm who saw this in action and biopsied the area as well biopsied the eczematous patches I also got around the same time two years after administration on both shins and she is the one who tested and suspected lupus or RA. Came back negative for lupus, ra and the vasculitis. She told me it could take 6 years to diagnosis lupus. The patches on my shins came up as spongiatic dermatitis.
Anyway more symptoms of mine included palpitations, chest pain, dyspnea, diarrhea with mucous sometimes just mucous and straining, muscle weakness, muscle spasms, muscle tension and pain, muscle contractions, I was diagnosed with severe muscle spasms in my neck this year, joins swelling and pain with red surfacing and hot to the touch, mainly hands, knees and feet. My lower legs get this redness and hotness as well and sometimes it travels. Pretty much RA symptoms. My ears get this hotness and redness as well and sometimes my cheeks. The spongiatic dermatitis that I got 6 years ago which never ever went away and flares and gets red and severely itchy during flares, Raynauds symptoms, dizziness upon standing too fast or moving too fast, hot flash or chills or both, feeling like I’m going to pass out, tingling/pins and needles in limbs, stress induced dystonia which I think may be takotsubo syndrome due to the fact I just had a heart monitor because my ekg showed left ventricle abnormalities. This happened about 5 times within the last 2 years and the last time a couple months ago happened the worst. It lasted about 30 minutes and I was having joint flaring and so I went outside to cool it down. When I stood up and walked inside I got extremely hot, dizzy and nauseous and felt I was going to pass out. I saw the black spots (stars) so I went to my room took my emergency lorazapam and tried to lay down and breath. I started to get numbness in my arms and legs which is always how it starts, then my stomach started to vibrate, my entire body following and then I started to feel like it was hard to breath and chest pain and before I knew it my hands were doing 🤌🏻🤌🏻 on their own and I would only move my neck slightly. My feet were pointing and it just felt so painful and like my hands were closing more and more and my feet were pointing more and more even tho they weren’t. I literally couldn’t move. My fiancé said eventually my hands were turning purple and my face was translucent like you could see all the veins in my face. My heart monitor results haven’t come back yet. My stress test and echo were normal but I didn’t take my medicine that day where as I did when I went to the cardiologist and got an ekg. Iv had tongue numbness, confusion, eye twitching and loss of speech or mixed speech, twitches in my chin below my mouth, I get numbness that shoots up the back of my neck at times, temple pain, headaches, goosebumps that would randomly come without being cold on only one patch of one arm and then go away. Nausea, for two years in 2019-2021 I was vomiting for no reason I lost so much weight I was 92lbs at 5’2 usually I’m 110. Ibs symptoms which include diarrhea that always has mucus and right lower abdominal pain just in the inside of my hip bone. I now recently have had extremely low blood pressure at times, at the hospital the nurse asked me if I took any benzos, I think it was like 90/60. When I was at my stress test and echo a few weeks ago it was 86/62. This never happened to me before. I went in for the temp paralysis always diagnosed as “panic paralysis” and this was the first time they drug tested me. Neg for everything but my adderall. I had symptoms of uti and blood in my urine but no uti or bacterial growth. Bladder pain, kidney pain no infection (I have had chronic kidney and uti infections since 3rd grade so I know how it feels) Uhm pain in my butt a few months ago that traveled down my thigh to behind my knee and down to my foot so bad that I felt I could barley walk and pick my leg up. I get shaky at times, severely fatigued, brain fog, slurred speech at times, cuts on my hands that come up in the same spots when I have flares and go away when I don’t. Mainly on my knuckles and I also have petechiae on my elbows, shoulders, legs, arms that just stay. Iv noticed my son has petechiae too.
There’s so many more symptoms but this is already long.

https://ibb.co/GWZnh8B https://ibb.co/MR2bfg0 https://ibb.co/fF7K3yd https://ibb.co/z8h3LN3 https://ibb.co/SnCq9dp https://ibb.co/kG8wGQt https://ibb.co/5s9rHF4 https://ibb.co/m5BRZMw https://ibb.co/vJwR2vy https://ibb.co/BZYjLBx https://ibb.co/pvbJBH4 https://ibb.co/R9YGL6w https://ibb.co/g9CV9xK https://ibb.co/3MrLpd3 https://ibb.co/t21c4SP https://ibb.co/qnd8Y3L https://ibb.co/J2Kn8cN https://ibb.co/BjmJsV2 https://ibb.co/GR0DVTn https://ibb.co/fpRq7CV https://ibb.co/grSy1F4 https://ibb.co/6H1mBV9 https://ibb.co/kczRf8b https://ibb.co/59vqqj3 https://ibb.co/S0G0FBX https://ibb.co/b5sVxsT https://ibb.co/nRJJvGR https://ibb.co/CJVnTMf https://ibb.co/WHSqcr8 https://ibb.co/MPF0D2G https://ibb.co/56nFdVX https://ibb.co/52zTg2q https://ibb.co/PDXCdRy https://ibb.co/j5tG6pC https://ibb.co/N2Gz5ZH https://ibb.co/YcNzZyr https://ibb.co/hfRsHzp https://ibb.co/f8Brv3k https://ibb.co/gzfYJ3Y https://ibb.co/fCqDb1J
My 2yo has been having blood in his stool since feb 10th. He eats a ton but also is still nursing. He has a bowel movement every 2-3 days or so. I have ibs symptoms when I take my adderall that actually look similar to the photos below of the person who apologized for posting poop. I was prescribed it 8ish years ago I’m scared I’m having drug induced hypersensitivity all these years and it’s passing to him.
Here’s the tea
8 years of autoimmune symptoms
I have been suspected of lupus for 8 years
I am baffled because the first doctor I went to after starting this medication 8 years ago was the allergist and told them I think I am allergic! Told me it was unlikely and diagnosed me with chronic idiopathic urticaria. I have developed so many symptoms since then and have been to so many dam doctors.
I am positive I am allergic to my medication, and I’m so concerned now because I breastfeed and my son has exhibited the same rash induced for both of us by heat when I take my medicine (which isn’t everyday unless I need it) except for me even when I don’t take it now I get these hives anytime in the sun or hot shower etc. I several times have asked his doctor, my doctor, my psychiatrist, the pharmacist if this could be from my medicine. Again, unlikely is their response. He constantly has these “viral infections” that he never seems to get over. He is 2 and it feels like since he was like 10 months he has not stopped being sick and like 4 months when he started getting the heat rashes. I think he was 3 months when I went back on this medication.
He gets fevers of unknown origin, constant rashes, wheezing, so many boogers like constant booger crust, constipation, and bloody stool, night sweats, random vomiting a few times, excessive coughing that sometimes makes him throw up, and sometimes sneezing, sometimes extreme fatigue. He’s literally developed 104.5 fever and rash in the past, over his trunk, arms and groin, shoulders and neck before after I took my medicine for the first time after a few days of stopping it, maybe a couple weeks I stopped. It was always just blown off as a virus. As of this week conjunctivitis in both eyes. Took him to the doctor this week and his ears, throat and eyes looked FINE. To her despite the bit of redness, crusting and puss. She said prob viral once again, nothing to do but wait.
The gag is, my fiancé nor I have gotten conjunctivitis or are sick. Yet at the same time that he developed conjunctivitis I felt like my neck was so sore it was killing me in the back of my neck and the next day the sides were hurting. I noticed the right cervical lymph node was a bit swollen and so painful when I would touch it. I had a severe headache mainly in the right side and when I swallowed the side of my neck where the lymph’s are hurtttt. I also felt I had a pill stuck in the back of my tongue. I check my throat and my uvula is swollen and touching. This is called uvulitis, and yet I’m not sick? Literally no other symptoms no boogers no coughing besides the cough iv has for months, no body fatigue. Tongue felt a bit tingly too which started recently. Every doctor is literally baffled by my skin symptoms, swelling and everything else.
They thought over the years iv had lupus, RA, urticarial vasculitis, seizures, stoke like symptoms etc etc but nothing absolutely nothing comes up. My white blood cells and lymphocytes are usually always high and except on occasion and my neutrophils low since starting this med.
So I start looking up uvulitis and my medicine and bam. Drug induced allergic reaction
I came across kounis syndrome and DRESS. Dress and mimic systemic disease but says it starts 2-8 weeks after the allergic drug is administered but it’s been 8 years!!! I can’t find anything on if it can be present for longer but my first symptom weeks after my first prescription of this drug was hives induced by heat.
My symptoms have been heat hives, I had panic attack symptoms and felt like I was going to pass out so I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with sinus tachycardia. I get bruising on my veins, specifically my hands, wrists and feet and it’s always in the same spots when it happens. I had what presented as urticarial vasculitis in 2018 where I would get random bruises on my legs that would appear in minutes and look like I just got beat. They would disappear in minutes too, only on my legs. Saw a derm who saw this in action and biopsied the area as well biopsied the eczematous patches I also got around the same time two years after administration on both shins and she is the one who tested and suspected lupus or RA. Came back negative for lupus, ra and the vasculitis. She told me it could take 6 years to diagnosis lupus. The patches on my shins came up as spongiatic dermatitis.
Anyway more symptoms of mine included palpitations, chest pain, dyspnea, diarrhea with mucous sometimes just mucous and straining, muscle weakness, muscle spasms, muscle tension and pain, muscle contractions, I was diagnosed with severe muscle spasms in my neck this year, joins swelling and pain with red surfacing and hot to the touch, mainly hands, knees and feet. My lower legs get this redness and hotness as well and sometimes it travels. Pretty much RA symptoms. My ears get this hotness and redness as well and sometimes my cheeks. The spongiatic dermatitis that I got 6 years ago which never ever went away and flares and gets red and severely itchy during flares, Raynauds symptoms, dizziness upon standing too fast or moving too fast, hot flash or chills or both, feeling like I’m going to pass out, tingling/pins and needles in limbs, stress induced dystonia which I think may be takotsubo syndrome due to the fact I just had a heart monitor because my ekg showed left ventricle abnormalities. This happened about 5 times within the last 2 years and the last time a couple months ago happened the worst. It lasted about 30 minutes and I was having joint flaring and so I went outside to cool it down. When I stood up and walked inside I got extremely hot, dizzy and nauseous and felt I was going to pass out. I saw the black spots (stars) so I went to my room took my emergency lorazapam and tried to lay down and breath. I started to get numbness in my arms and legs which is always how it starts, then my stomach started to vibrate, my entire body following and then I started to feel like it was hard to breath and chest pain and before I knew it my hands were doing 🤌🏻🤌🏻 on their own and I would only move my neck slightly. My feet were pointing and it just felt so painful and like my hands were closing more and more and my feet were pointing more and more even tho they weren’t. I literally couldn’t move. My fiancé said eventually my hands were turning purple and my face was translucent like you could see all the veins in my face. My heart monitor results haven’t come back yet. My stress test and echo were normal but I didn’t take my medicine that day where as I did when I went to the cardiologist and got an ekg. Iv had tongue numbness, confusion, eye twitching and loss of speech or mixed speech, twitches in my chin below my mouth, I get numbness that shoots up the back of my neck at times, temple pain, headaches, goosebumps that would randomly come without being cold on only one patch of one arm and then go away. Nausea, for two years in 2019-2021 I was vomiting for no reason I lost so much weight I was 92lbs at 5’2 usually I’m 110. Ibs symptoms which include diarrhea that always has mucus and right lower abdominal pain just in the inside of my hip bone. I now recently have had extremely low blood pressure at times, at the hospital the nurse asked me if I took any benzos, I think it was like 90/60. When I was at my stress test and echo a few weeks ago it was 86/62. This never happened to me before. I went in for the temp paralysis always diagnosed as “panic paralysis” and this was the first time they drug tested me. Neg for everything but my adderall. I had symptoms of uti and blood in my urine but no uti or bacterial growth. Bladder pain, kidney pain no infection (I have had chronic kidney and uti infections since 3rd grade so I know how it feels) Uhm pain in my butt a few months ago that traveled down my thigh to behind my knee and down to my foot so bad that I felt I could barley walk and pick my leg up. I get shaky at times, severely fatigued, brain fog, slurred speech at times, cuts on my hands that come up in the same spots when I have flares and go away when I don’t. Mainly on my knuckles and I also have petechiae on my elbows, shoulders, legs, arms that just stay. Iv noticed my son has petechiae too.
There’s so many more symptoms but this is already long.

Part 2
Part 1: (https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/197npng/the\_things\_in\_the\_woods\_part\_1/)
The memory of Charlie's disappearance lingered like a dark cloud over my life. Despite extensive search efforts, Charlie was never found. Not even a trace according to his father. The authorities speculated about wild animals or a tragic accident, but Marcus and I knew the truth. We knew what happened that night. We knew something had taken our friend, had dragged him off into the night, and done god knows what to him. I guess that was the one blessing of this whole thing, that out of everyone at least one person, Marcus, believed my story.
I was nervous to tell anyone about what had happened, and at first I said nothing but eventually he was the one I told. We’d been out searching when I recalled the story to which he then demanded I tell everyone, but unfortunately, the adults weren’t as quick to believe as my friend. Some of them never did, actually, none of them ever did.
Marcus and I grew distant, our friendship strained by grief and guilt. After we finally stopped searching we stopped seeing each other together, and as time passed his belief in my story faltered and eventually faded. He started to tell kids at school the tale, and any sense of community with my classmates was shattered. I was turned into an outcast by one of my very best friends.
For me, the trauma of that night manifested in relentless nightmares. Whenever I closed my eyes, I was haunted by the image of that long, hairy arm reaching into our tent, pulling Charlie away into the unknown darkness. Some nights I’d just see his horrified face staring at me, pleading for me to help him, but I never would, I never could. I couldn't shake the feeling of helplessness, the suffocating dread that consumed me as I listened to the sounds of his abduction. I don’t think that night ever left me, and I don’t think it ever will.
Depression became my constant companion, a shadow that followed me wherever I went. I withdrew from my friends and family (the ones who hadn’t already abandoned me), retreating into myself as I struggled to understand what happened. The world seemed colder and darker as if the light had been extinguished when Charlie vanished. Nothing seemed to matter besides what had happened. Solving the mystery seemed to become an obsession, as I spent sleepless nights replaying the events of that night over and over in my mind, searching for some semblance of closure or understanding. But the truth remained elusive, buried beneath layers of fear and uncertainty.
I never gave up though, no matter how many people told me I was wrong or that I hadn’t seen it right I didn’t care I knew what I saw. I knew something had taken my friend. My investigations eventually led to me pursuing journalism in High School, but it didn’t take me long at all to realize that career path wasn’t suitable for my aspirations. Journalism was grounded in reality, and what I was after was supposedly nothing more than pure fiction. So I got into the private sector and eventually joined a small news site type thing for the paranormal and the strange.
Finally, I would be allowed to pursue and write about the very things that I wanted to. Due to living in the Pacific Northwest, I focused primarily on sasquatch although some other cryptids, myths, and other oddities slipped through the cracks.
I’d been working on a report about a rash of crawler sightings in British Columbia when I first came across the headline during my online research: THREE TEENS STILL MISSING, FRIEND CLAIMS IT WAS BIGFOOT. This was the first time I’d come across a report where the cryptid was actually involved in some sort of official investigation. I was so set on investigating it that I didn’t even care that I’d have to drive all the way up to Alaska.
-
Amidst the dense canopy of an ancient forest of towering trees, my old Ford truck rumbled along. It was an old lumber road I had to use, and it sure felt like one. The road was narrow and neglected long since past its prime. I had to drive slowly to not send us careening into one of the massive pine trees.
The engine spurted and growled in a vain attempt to get me to stop. The truck shuddered and shook with every bump in the road momentarily lifting me from my seat, but nevertheless, I continued, this was normal. My calloused hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel as I peered through the dusty windshield at the trees that loomed to either side of me casting eerie shadows over the dilapidated road.
As the truck lumbered forward, hissing in ever-persistent protest, I looked at the ominous clouds in the sky. They were dark and I could occasionally hear or feel their distant rumbles. I knew there was a storm to come, which only made me want to get to my destination faster. A loud thunderclap echoed through the valley and sent chills through my bones. I had to hurry.
Despite the worsening weather and the deteriorated old road, I continued more persistently than before. With every bend in the windy road, the truck lurched and swerved to either side, as if fighting some invisible force that wanted to sway me off course.
My knuckles whitened as I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my muscles tensing and my heart racing at every inevitable swerve of my truck. I cursed under my breath, my frustration with this situation growing with every second, but with that frustration, I felt the unease growing. Yet, my determination steered me forward, a stubborn refusal to surrender despite the ominous atmosphere this imaginary force was manifesting.
As my journey continued it grew darker and the forest felt like it was closing in around me. The trees seemed to creep closer and closer to the edge of the road as if all of them were cooperating to stop me. The air grew thick with tension, and paranoia began to grow in my mind.
A loud thunderclap vibrated my truck momentarily making me freeze with fear. The truck let out another growl of protest, and if I could I felt the truck would just pull over and not let me continue but I did.
The rain started coming down all at once. The droplets come down in a cascade making a cacophony of noise that quickly fades into a steady rhythm. Each droplet drummed on the thin metal roof of the truck with varying intensity. Normally the cadence of the rain would have been gentle and tranquil, but in this circumstance it was horrifying.
Within only minutes the rough dirt road felt more like a slip-and-slide than a road. The sound of the tires on the dirt now sounded closer to a mixer churning butter. I began to panic, worrying the truck would get stuck, and I wouldn’t make it but it didn’t. The ole’ trooper continued forward his growls hardly audible above the sound of pouring rain.
Not too much further down the road, I reached the turn-off onto the paved road. Relieved I turned off and began making my way down the road. I told myself I wouldn’t take another shortcut like that, but I knew that was a lie. This road was still windy but not nearly as bad as the dirt road. Eventually, the road led into the town I was looking for: Coltsdale.
Coltsdale was a very old town settled deep in the Alaskan Rockies. It was originally a mining and lumber town but had now become a tourist destination due to the nearby national forests.
As I drove through I saw many old west-style buildings that looked ancient and smirked. I’d been to a town like this before and I knew their scam. Despite their claims none of these buildings were original. They were all fake timber facades built to mask the modern design of the buildings. It’s pretty easy to spot when you’re looking for it but to the untrained eye not so much.
Signs for motels, shops, and restaurants passed by until I pulled in front of the town diner. Macie’s Diner it read in big light-up neon signage. It was quite odd to see the retro sign on a building that otherwise looked over a hundred years old. The façade was your typical old rural western building, although with much larger windows.
The parking lot was full of mostly old cars from the 80s, which was odd to me, combined with the sign it almost felt like I’d time-traveled. It was also odd because my old 1980 Ford F150 always felt out of place, but here in this old town it felt right at home. I pulled up the hood of my poncho before stepping out and pulling my satchel out with me.
I hurried across the parking lot trying to get as little rain on my pants and satchel as possible. I was in such a hurry I didn’t even look inside until I was drying my shoes on the mat. That’s when I noticed the floor was alternating black and white tiles. I looked up and it hit me all at once. The bright colors and strange retro vibes. The interior of the diner was built like one you’d see in the 80s, and suddenly the sign fit in a lot better now. That’s when I noticed the music, it was a song by Michael Jackson, I’m not sure what song but I recognized his voice clear as day.
The diner was a mix of what seemed to be tourists and locals and was actually quite busy considering the size of the town.
“Hullo, what can I do for you?” A young woman asked in an accent I couldn’t quite catch.
I looked around only to see a smiling young woman right next to me. She looked to be around 18 to 20, and she was wearing the typical outfit you’d see a waitress in the 80s wearing although instead of a skirt she wore slacks. Other than that she had long wavy red hair, bright green eyes, and a cute freckled face.
“Uh, hi,” I said awkwardly, “I just need a booth, I’m meeting someone here.”
She nodded and smiled at me, “Aye, right this way.” As soon as she said “Aye” I realized that she spoke with a Scottish accent.
You know I didn’t think about this before, but her voice was kind of paradoxical. The Scottish accent always comes from a strong-voiced male, so we prescribe it as a strong manly accent. That’s why it was so odd for me to hear it coming from this soft-spoken girl.
She led me to an empty booth against the front window. I sat down on one side of the booth throwing my satchel into the other seat and opening it. I pulled out my journal and tape recorder setting it in front of me.
Then I noticed she was still standing there: “You want anything to start with?” She asked.
“Uh…” I stammered awkwardly quickly scanning across the menu, “A ginger ale with a burger, no lettuce, no tomatoes, nothing but meat and cheese.” I explained.
She nodded before hurrying off to another table.
-
I sat there for a good long while. I’d been entertaining myself by looking at the missing posters on the nearby bulletin board to see if I recognized any of the faces. Needless to say, I didn’t recognize any of them.
Somehow I’d engaged myself so much I didn’t notice when the person I came here to see slipped into the booth across from me.
“Hi Detective,” Will said, his voice somber and weak.
I looked over to see Will Gardner. Will Gardner was 15, with long shaggy blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and freckles everywhere. From all reports, he was a very happy kid, but the impression the boy was giving off was far- far from happy. He had bags under his eyes, he looked dirty and unkempt, and I couldn’t blame him. After what had happened to him, what I was here to talk with him about, frankly I was surprised he agreed to meet at all.
“Hello Will, how are you?” I asked, hoping my genuine concern showed through.
“Like shit,” He mumbled weakly.
I paused unsure what to say, I was the youngest of six, and I’d never been good with kids partly because I’d never had the experience.
“I’m- I’m sorry for your loss,” I muttered, knowing in my head that probably did nothing, and was probably a shit response.
“So you want to know what happened?” He asked coldly.
I was surprised that he’d been the one to bring it up first, “Yes- yes I’d like to.”
“Welp, what's another person that doesn’t believe me,” He joked, although it was more to himself than me.
“I can assure you…” I started before I was cut off, “Eh, I’ve heard that response before, you probably won’t believe me, but frankly I don’t care I am telling it how I saw it.” He said.
“I know you won’t believe me, but I believe you,” I said, hoping my truth showed through.
He nodded, I clicked on the tape recorder, and he began his tale.
“We all went up to Coltsdale forest, it was me, Matt, Ava, and Kelly, Kelly was my girlfriend. We- we were just going go up, make a bonfire, and drink some of the beers Matt stole, but that’s obviously not how it went.” He said, his face grim, his eyes dark and wet.
“We were all sitting around the bonfire, we were having a great time. Matthew was telling one of his great campfire stories. I can’t remember what it was- but like all of his stories, it was a great one.” A chill ran down my spine, and for a moment I flashed back a decade, and that face, Charlie’s face was staring at me again. I still remembered that amazing story he’d told that night. I shook that away and continued to listen.
“The story had the girls all shaken up, and I had to comfort Kelly. That’s when Bluebell, Matt’s dog, let out a bark. Man, I’ve never heard a dog bark like that. It sounded scared, but offensive, as if she was telling whatever she was telling to get away. The closest thing I can compare it to is the yell my dad made when a grown man cat-called at my older sister in a mall once. A mix of anger, disgust, and fear.” He explained, a disgusted look on his face when he talked about the man and his sister.
“Matt turned, got up, and looked into the dark treeline where Bluebell was looking. I thought it was odd because she was looking up, like way up, like whatever it was had to be in the canopy. Now I know dogs can just be weird sometimes, but I don’t know what the hell lives up in the canopy that could piss off a dog like that. Now I know black bears can climb trees, but you don’t see black bears much around here. I think- it’s cause we’re so close to the ocean. Only brown bears in this area.” He explained, and I was a little impressed at his know-how.
“Bluebell barked, then kicked up dirt with her back leg. I think we all thought she was about to run because we all flinched then Matt grabbed her collar. She let out another loud “get the hell away” bark. This one was so loud it kinda dazed Matt, and he reached up with his free hand to rub his ear. Even my ears were ringing so I wasn’t surprised, I was just worried about what the hell the dog was barking at.” He said, the confusion and fascination showing through the grimness in his voice.
“That’s when I heard something, I think we all heard it. It was this strange sound- I’ve- I’ve never heard anything like it- I’ll try my best to describe it to you, but I don’t think I’ll be doing the sound much justice. It’s something you had to have heard for it to have its impact. It sounded kinda like a coyote, or like I always imagined a hyena to sound, but not quite. It had a similar sound to laughter, but the low parts of the call were too low for a hyena and the high parts of the call sounded too high. In a way, the call reminded me of a bird, or at least the high parts did. The way I best describe it is this droning animalistic laughter with low-low growls in between. But even though I describe it as laughter it didn’t sound like laughter. It was more structured like laughter. I- I don’t know how to explain it.” He said, the confusion clear in his voice.
“That’s ok, you tried your best,” I said, in my mind, I focused on the word droning. Droning in my head was the only way I could describe the way the call that night so long ago just kept going and going.
“The “laughing” just kept going, there wasn’t like a pause, at least not for a while.” He said, “We were all just frozen with fear, unsure what to do. I think- I think most animal calls only last a couple seconds?” He said, although his tone made it sound like a question.
“Yeah most of them are pretty short,” I said affirming his conclusion.
“Right, well, I think this one- I think it lasted twenty, thirty, maybe forty seconds!” He said, “And that whole time we were all as still as statues, so scared we couldn’t do nothing. Then Kelly said we needed to run, we needed to get out of here, and Ava said something similar, but Matt was still over by Bluebell shaking as he stared into the treetops.”
“That’s when Bluebell barked again, and then again, she started going off like a madhouse and yanking at Matt and her collar. Matt was about to wrap his arms around her and pick her up when SNAP! Bluebell sprinted off into the forest, and before I could say anything he followed.” His face turned grim, and for a moment he said nothing. I was about to tell him he could take a break if he needed to, but he continued, “Ava started screaming for Matt, but all we heard was panicked yells for Bluebell and her barks. The barks didn’t seem to grow further, and I thought I could hear her claws scratching at tree bark. Then a new sound, or rather a lack of one. The calls stopped and were replaced by an ominous and oppressive silence. Even Bluebell had stopped barking.”
He paused to order a root beer and a large fry. I asked him if he wanted a burger but he said no. After the waitress came back with his order he continued, “I thought- I thought I could hear something moving through the trees, but I don’t know for sure.”
He paused eating a few fries before he spoke up again, “We were all so worried that Ava finally spoke up. She screamed Matt’s name a few times, he responded and we realized he wasn’t that far away. I reached down for the flashlight and aimed it into the woods. It showed Matt standing at the foot of a tree looking down at the now silent and cowering Bluebell. He was clearly confused about the situation, we all were, but we were more so scared than he was.”
He paused again, I could tell just the retelling was getting to him. I didn’t judge I was getting goosebumps just hearing the story partially because I already knew the ending. He ate a few fries and took a long slurp before he spoke, “You ever have recurring nightmares detective?”
“Yes,” I said slowly, wondering the possible lines of thought he could be going down.
“What happened next, it- it- I’ve never- every night since it happened I’ve had a nightmare about this moment.” His eyes teared up, “The moment when something appeared at the top of the circle of light above Matt. At first, I just thought it was a weirdly shaped branch, but then it moved. I know this is weird, but it moved like a snake. It was this big long hairy arm, but- but it moved like a snake. It slowly reached downward toward him, and as it did I saw more and more of its arm. One feet, two feet, three feet, and then four.” He paused taking a long slurp the sorrow in his expression, “It- It grabbed his hair. Now I know you’re gonna say I should have yelled, but from the moment I saw it, to the moment it grabbed him was probably only five seconds.”
“After it grabbed him by the hair he started screaming, and Bluebell started going off again. I didn’t see what happened next cause I dropped the flashlight. It broke on the hard forest floor. The girls both started screaming their heads off, Matt was screaming, and Bluebell was barking like a damn hellhound. Two things happened quickly. A loud crack silenced Bluebell, and Matt went quiet.”
Tears rolled down Will’s cheeks and he requested a break. During that, I added questions for later to my notes.
After a few minutes, he continued seemingly having gathered his composure, “I just- I just panicked, and grabbed Kelly’s hand and just started booking it. We ran through the forest as hard as we could, eventually, Kelly got ahead of me, but I didn't mind to me it meant she was safer than I was. Then I- then I tripped. I don’t know what happened next, because I blacked out. I woke up the next morning, I had what felt like a broken ankle and a horrible gash on my head, but I made my way down the trail only to find that the car was still there.”
He gave me a nod, and I understood that he’d finished his story.
“So, you can take a break if need be, but I have some questions for you when you’re ready,” I said, looking down at my notes and the inquiries listed within them.
“I’m ready, no use waiting,” he mumbled.
“Oh- ok then,” I said a little taken aback by his forwardness about it, “Did you hear anything when Bluebell first started barking? Or any other weird sounds at all that night, or in those woods in general?”
“Um… I… I don’t think so… The only other thing that was odd was at some point that night the crickets and owls went silent,” He explained.
“Interesting,” I said, jotting it down, “Do you have a guess when?”
“Uh- no, it was some point after we got there, but before Bluebell started barking.”
“Ok, next question then, you mentioned you thinking it wasn’t a black bear or brown bear. What animal do you think could’ve done this?”
“An Ape,” He answered simply and matter-of-factly.
“Why do you suspect an ape?” I asked, having come to a similar conclusion but curious to see how he got his.
“Well, for one I saw that arm, and well I think that’s the only thing that could’ve made those sounds.” He explained, and I shivered at the mention of the arm, remembering the arm that haunted my nightmares.
“Speaking of the sounds, can you better explain them? Also, you described the sounds as hyena or bird-like, how do you think an ape could’ve made them?” I asked, once again very curious to hear his answer.
“Well, um…” He stammered, clearly thinking very hard about it, “It’s like they had the rhythm of a laugh, kind of like how Hyena calls have the rhythm of a laugh, but when you really listen they don’t sound like a laugh. Then the call had really high shrill parts to the laugh that almost sounded like a bird, but it also had really low growling-like sounds in between them. And well I don’t know if you’ve listened to many ape or monkey calls, but they seem like some of the only animals that can have that much variation.”
I nodded then asked, “Can you elaborate on the growls?”
“Uh- yeah, they kinda sounded like- well it’s hard to explain. I’ve listened to a lot of animal calls since that night, and oddly the growl sounds like the mix between a purr, like a tiger purr, and the cough of a smoker. I know that’s a weird combination, but in my head that’s the only way you can describe them.”
“Ok,” I said drawn out like I was trying to Frankenstein together the sounds he was describing in my head, but I just couldn’t seem to comprehend them.
I shook my head noting down the description before continuing with the next question, “You said the arm moved like a snake, what do you mean by that?”
“Well, I guess it didn’t move like a snake necessarily. It’s just that’s what I thought of. The way it slowly lowered, slowly reaching lower and lower, it was eerie and the first thing I thought of was a snake.” His face was scrunched up, like describing all of these things was hurting his brain in some strange way.
“What did the arm look like, and did you only see the arm?” I asked.
He responded instantly to this question: “That was one of the most uncomfortable things about it. I only saw the arm, no shoulder, no legs clinging to the tree side, just the long creeping arm. And as for appearance, it- it had dark- dark skin which looked to be mostly covered in dark brown or black fur. And the fur- it looked greasy.”
I took note of it.
“Ok, final question, has anyone had any similar strange experiences in the woods? Or has anything happened before or since that you find relevant?” I asked, pausing between each question to let him take them in.
Will thought for a long moment seemingly taking a great amount of time to comprehend the question, as if he was scraping the very back of his mind for a long-lost memory. Then at last the boy spoke, “I think there might be something related- a couple months before-” He paused taking a long heavy breath, “a couple months before my friends- before the thing happened, another kid disappeared. I- I think his name was Pike, yeah- Pike McNairy.”
I nodded noting down the name, “What makes you think Pike is related?”
“Well, he disappeared in the forest, just like my friends there was never any sign of him,” Will said grimly.
Will told me how to contact Pike’s father then thanked me for the food and drink before leaving. I found myself staring out the window. It had grown later, and darker, yet the rain still poured down as hard as ever. I imagined if my car had gotten stuck in that treacherous storm. I’d be out there in the dark forest, rain pouring around me, and that thing- the image of the hand popped into my head, and in fearful reaction, I slammed my fist into the table. A few people looked over with confused glances, before rejoining their lively conversations. I turned back toward the window. Trying to push the thoughts about the case that were creeping into my head.
As I stared out I watched the small figure of Will make his way across the parking lot, over to the sidewalk, and begin walking down the street. I felt angry I hadn’t offered him a ride home, but I guess I’d just assumed he had one.
“Um… sir,” the waitress said.
I turned around toward her, and she gave me an awkward grin, “I’m sorry to say, but if you’re not going to order anything else my boss wants you to leave.” She motioned with her head to an angry-looking man behind the counter wearing a striped shirt.
“Oh, um- in that case, I’ll get a slice of pumpkin pie,” I said flashing her a smile.
She smiled back, seemingly jotting the order down, “I’ll be back with your order shortly.” She said, before turning on her heel and walking away briskly.
In the meantime, I pulled out my laptop and started compiling my notes and the recorded interview into the post you are reading now. As I did, as I relistened to that interview the thoughts crept back into my mind, and before I could stop them they’d manifested into a single phrase: “They’re so similar aren’t they.” Uncontrollably, obsessively my brain almost subconsciously scanned through the details of both cases. The arm, the call, they- it had to be the same creature. It had to be. I had to find out.
“Your pie, sir,” She caught me so off guard I had to use every ounce of willpower to not yelp or react in fright.
I then looked toward the slice of pie in her hand. It was a large perfect slice of pumpkin pie with a swirl of whipped cream at the top. It looked delicious.
“Thank you!” I grinned, “and please,” I said, noticing what she’d called me, “Call me Tate.”
She smiled back, and this time it seemed genuine, “Ok- Tate, enjoying your pie,” She flashed another even larger grin before once again disappearing into the diner at the turn of her heel.
Huh, she’s cute, I thought as I made my first cut into the pie.
Unfortunately, this momentary jovial interaction did not distract my mind for long, nothing ever could. I knew- I knew after years of searching I’d finally found something that connected, something that showed it wasn’t some horrible vision, and I swore an oath as I took my first bite of pie that I would pursue this case until I found the truth, until I found out what happened to Charlie Baker.

39F, white, 5'2", 57kg, Canadian, no alcohol or tobacco use.
This is quite long.... but I am desperate for help and have run out of options. I need someone to solve my medical mystery. Photo album with dates and descriptions uploaded to Imgur. Lab results is last photo of album: https://imgur.com/a/vmhCgSM. Flick link if Imgur won't open: https://flic.kps/43Pt3w
Swollen lymph nodes - July-Aug 2021, I first noticed feeling something on the right side of my neck when I turned my head. Then I started feeling one swell on the left side, sort of under my jaw. Sometimes my neck feels sore. On September 10, 2021, I had a neck ultrasound and one of the lymph nodes on the left measured 1.6cm. The same node on the opposite side was enlarged even worse at a follow up ultrasound a few weeks later. I had a CT November 21, 2021, and the swelling had resolved. It has come and gone in various neck lymph nodes since then. I am not aware of swelling in any of my other lymph nodes in my body.
Fatigue - started Aug 2021 and I experience it most days. I sometimes wake up dead tired, even if I sleep through the night. I’ve maintained a 9:00-10:00pm bedtime for several years now and it makes no difference to how refreshed I feel. By early afternoon, my eyes are heavy, and I feel like I could sleep for hours.
Face flushing - I started noticing red flushing on my nose and cheeks in Aug 2021, it was just occasional, then was happening at least once most days. This symptom has reduced in severity the last several months.
Raynaud’s - I started noticing this in July-Aug 2021 too, but some days were worse than others. Now it happens everyday, almost all day. Both my hands and feet are affected. Discolouration in arms (webbing or lacing?) and legs too, they go reddish-purple with white blotches. My fingers and toes go white, and it hurt terribly, even if I am out walking in the summer. Temperature regulation - started feeling extremely cold all the time around Aug 2021, and I often get a quivering feeling under my skin. Like when the hair stands up on the back of your neck, but all over, under my skin and it persists for several minutes at a time. I will be sitting in the summer sunshine and be shivering with goosebumps. My nose is constantly running and red and my fingers and toes hurt they are so cold. Unfortunately, warmth increases the burning sensations I feel (detailed below), making it impossible to be comfortable. In Jan 2022 I started occasionally having periods of extreme hot flashes, mostly around my torso. No sweating and no fever that I could tell. Feeling hot generally occurs in the evening. But I am painfully cold 99% of the time. See album.
Eyes - this started around Oct 2021. My eyes feel watery, like I must blink to clear them, and my vision is often a bit blurry. I had an annual optometrist appointment in December 2021. The doctor gave me drops and said I have a focusing issue, likely from daily computer use for work. In September 2022, I noticed this was worsening and I started getting double and sometimes triple (top and bottom) vision on tv subtitles. This symptom has improved some over the last year.
Itching - This is where my symptoms start becoming intolerable. The itch started on my abdomen in the early morning hours of Jan 3, 2022. I remember having an intense itch in the middle of the night and when I woke up, I had scratched myself terribly. The rest of that day was fine, no itching. Then the itching went to another level that evening, and I ended up covered in bloody welts by the time I went to bed that night. Scratching always results in immediate bright red marks, sometimes they are quite puffy/inflamed, and occasionally result in large welts. Additionally, pressure results in redness, like if my cat sits on my lap, I will almost immediately have red impressions of her feet on my legs (she is 12 lbs). Warm showers do not induce the itch, though sometimes being hot does, like when I exercise or am particularly stressed. The itch is not relieved with scratching, and it can be anywhere, head to toe, and moves around often. For example, I’ll be scratching a spot on my thigh, and then I’ll get an intense itch on my arm, or head, or back, etc. Even my mouth and eyes sometimes get insanely itchy. It is an intense itch that is not relieved with scratching. Scratching, even briefly, often produces severe skin inflammation. Cetirizine helps a lot if I take 20-40mg/day, but I still have some itching throughout the day. If I stop taking Cetirizine, the intense itch returns within 24-36 hours. Exercising is unbearable. The severity of the itching increases and decreases at times, but I’ve not been able to pinpoint what causes the change. It’s never gone away entirely though, as in, I’ve not had a day without it since it started. See album.
Burning - The burning sensation on my skin started Jan 11, 2022. It’s a very painful burn and feels superficial; like it’s just below or at the surface of my skin. It feels like a physical abrasion-type of burn or a maybe a chemical burn, not a sunburn. Happens in sporadic locations but also affects everywhere. Some spots more frequently than others, like the back of my neck and my abdomen. Sometimes it happens from contact, like when I am dressing/undressing or the pressure of undergarments against my skin, even light touch. Scratching instantly results in an intense burning sensation, like I have scraped the entire top layer of skin off with my nail. Just having a heavy blanket or the pressure of my cat sitting on my lap causes extreme discomfort most of the time. It can also occur randomly, without contact. This continues daily. I can’t even compare the pain to anything I’ve ever felt.
Pain - Mid-January 2022 I started getting aches and pains in my arms and legs, like dehydration cramps, but I am well-hydrated and supplement my magnesium. My chest also often feels like I have a bit of congestion and I get some aching pains. The muscle pain has reduced quite a bit in the last several months.
Rashes - I first noticed this on Jan 13, 2022, they occasionally appear on my joints, sometimes large, like my entire knee or sometimes just a few little spots on my knuckle. My joints are not particularly warm when I notice these spots. There have been a couple of occasions that I felt the burning sensation described above and when I checked my skin, I had a visible rash. Once was on my abdomen and the other time I found a quarter-sized patch on both knees. See album..
Numbness/tingling - I first noticed a lot of numbing and tingling on Jan 11, 2022, with a three-week period of constant tingling and prickling sensations in my hands, sometimes my feet, it’s worse when I exercise. The stinging felt like the pain after touching a stinging nettle. Now the numbness and tingling only happens occasionally, and I don’t have the stinging anymore.
Nausea and feeling faint - started Sep 2022. At times, I have had to sit down in the middle of doing things because I was afraid that I would pass out. This symptom has reduced over the last several months.
Bruising and Beau lines - started late summer. I often scratch through my clothes, or use my clothing to rub an itchy spot, and it tends to result in patches of bruising on my skin. I seem to bruise a lot easier. I started noticing beau’s lines on my nails about a year ago. Mostly my thumbs and index fingers. Recently, I also started getting splinter hemorrhages in my index fingernail. See album.
Specialist Appointment History
Rheumatologist - no arthritis, offered meds for Raynaud’s. Suggested possibly MCAS, lupus, or CFS, but no diagnosis.
Allergist - tested for all common allergies and confirmed to have NONE! I have been referred to allergy again and am awaiting another appointment.
Internal Medicine - several appointments with IM yielded no diagnosis. However, my IUD was brought up at one appointment and I promptly had it removed. Some symptoms improved, but sadly, not all. IUD details below.
Family doctor - initially thought it was somehow a reactivation of mono. No other possibilities suggested.
Psychotherapist - I saw a psychotherapist weekly for several months to help work through a trigger from a childhood trauma. We dedicated several weeks to exploring if my symptoms were associated with my anxiety. We determined that while stress and anxiety make my symptoms worse, they are not the cause.
*I have seen my GP at least two dozen times. Neuropathic pain and itch keeps coming up, but I have not been referred to neurology yet.
IUD - I had a Mirena IUD for 5 years without any symptoms. I had it changed in September 2020. I asked the pharmacy for a lot number and all they could tell me was the expiration date was Sept 30, 2022. They said this only refers to the date it must be inserted by. I had it removed Nov 21, 2022. I’ve tried to determine if the severity of my symptoms change with my cycle, but honestly, I’ve had awful days before, during, and right after my period, so I don’t know.
Moderna COVID-19 vaccines:

1. May 14, 2021
2. July 2, 2021
3. December 22, 2022

Medication History
Note: I have come to hate pharmaceuticals. I feel like doctors keep throwing drugs at me without any concern for the side effects they are causing. For a while, I couldn’t tell what a symptom was and what was a drug side effect. I made it a goal to stop as many medications as I could to get back to a baseline. I am not currently taking any of these prescriptions, just the magnesium and B12.
Sertraline 100-150mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Zopiclone 3.75-7.5mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Prednisone – GP prescribed January 2022 – had no therapeutic effect.
Lyrica 25-75mg TID – discontinued due to side effects initially, though it provided some relief from the burning. Restarted briefly as recommended by IM but couldn’t increase dose enough for therapeutic relief so stopped again.
Cetirizine 20-40mg – took daily from January – November 2022, then discontinued use due to constant headaches. Now I only take it when I absolutely cannot tolerate my itching.
Lorazepam – 0.5-1mg – took for several weeks Nov 2022 to help with symptoms and
resulting stress. Now very occasionally on my worst days.
Rupatadine 10mg OD – tried instead of Cetirizine due to headaches – discontinued after no
relief.
Nifedipine 30mg OD – discontinued after 3 weeks due to persistent migraine.
Duloxetine 30mg OD - helped with the random burning, but not what I’ll call “secondary”, like from scratching. Caused severe insomnia. Doctor stopped since the benefits did not outweigh the side effects.
Magnesium citrate 150mg OD
B12 2000 mcg/week I only started taking this a few months ago, when I eliminated animal products from my diet.
I have tried topicals for the itch and burning without success, including calamine lotion, Polysporin itch lotion, Icy Hot (Doc suggested – bad idea!), and calming body washes and lotions.
Testing History:
Sept. 10, 2021 - neck u/S – lymph node on right measured 1.6cm.
Oct. 28, 2021 - 6-week f/u neck u/S – lymph node on left measured 2.2cm.
Nov. 21, 2021 - neck CT – swelling resolved and showed no lymphoma.
Aug. 5, 2022 - chest X-ray – reported as all clear.
I was also tested for Lyme, mold, HIV, all the hepatitis', and STDs, etc. All negative.
Lots and lots of labs… results at the bottom of the Imgur album.
Additional medical history that may or may not be relevant:
• Suffered childhood trauma and raised in poverty which resulted in some mental health issues (ACE score of 9). I have worked through my trauma with a therapist and feel that was successful. Parents are deceased and I am now comfortably in the middle class.
• Psoriasis of the skin and nails. It was quite bad in my youth but resolved 15-20 years ago (shortly after I stopped smoking). I have had several surgeries on my right foot to remove the nail bed of my big toe and baby toe, beginning when I was a child (a toenail became infected from psoriasis and turned gangrenous when I was a toddler). When I was a teenager, my fingernails started blistering and peeling too. This also eventually resolved.
• I was diagnosed with IBS by a GP about 15 years ago. It was also around that time that I was diagnosed with severe GAD and insomnia. Interestingly, the IBS symptoms have seemingly been resolved by not eating animal products.
• I have had several occurrences of stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Though not in the last few years.
• In 2015 I had several days of heavy “abnormal uterine bleeding” that resulted in a trip to the ER. I was on oral contraceptive at the time and a miscarriage was suspected, though several HCG tests were negative. I had a Mirena IUD inserted shortly thereafter and did not have any other issues. The IUD was changed on September 15, 2020. When Internal Medicine suggested a potential link to the IUD, I had it removed on November 21, 2022. The itching and fatigue improved within weeks, and I stopped losing large amounts of hair (which I had not realized I was losing until it stopped).
• An endocrinologist diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s in 2017 after several years of investigating issues with my weight, etc. (labs showed high thyroid antibodies). I go for routine bloodwork to monitor my TSH and so far, it has been normal. I have never been on or required hormone replacement therapy.
• I had a lipoma removed from my inner thigh June 26, 2021 – it was about the size of an egg. The incision healed quickly and without complication.
In case it is relevant, though all the doctors I have seen have told me it isn’t: In October 2020, I began a weight loss journey by making substantial dietary changes – I eliminated all sugar and highly processed foods from my diet, and significantly reduced my intake of
carbohydrates. I started keto, but quickly educated myself on nutrition as much as possible. I began October 2020 at about 90 kgs and by July 2021, I was 54 kgs. Since then, I have maintained my weight (+/- a few kgs) and no longer limit carbs. In fact, I eat 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, healthy grains, beans, etc. now and recently, I completely removed animal products from my diet. Basically, reverse keto. I have been assured that my dietary changes did not cause my symptoms, but I will try anything, and more plants can’t hurt. I have also tried reverting to my old diet” to see if it helped, but it did not. One doctor told me to try limiting carbs even further (<15g/day) to see if that would help. It did not.
If anything needs clarification or more information, please let me know. I am grateful to anyone who can help.

39F, white, 5'2", 57kg, Canadian, no alcohol or tobacco use.
This is quite long.... but I am desperate for help and have run out of options. I need someone to solve my medical mystery. Photo album with dates and descriptions uploaded to Imgur. Lab results is last photo of album: https://imgur.com/a/vmhCgSM. Flick link if Imgur won't open: https://flic.kps/43Pt3w
Swollen lymph nodes - July-Aug 2021, I first noticed feeling something on the right side of my neck when I turned my head. Then I started feeling one swell on the left side, sort of under my jaw. Sometimes my neck feels sore. On September 10, 2021, I had a neck ultrasound and one of the lymph nodes on the left measured 1.6cm. The same node on the opposite side was enlarged even worse at a follow up ultrasound a few weeks later. I had a CT November 21, 2021, and the swelling had resolved. It has come and gone in various neck lymph nodes since then. I am not aware of swelling in any of my other lymph nodes in my body.
Fatigue - started Aug 2021 and I experience it most days. I sometimes wake up dead tired, even if I sleep through the night. I’ve maintained a 9:00-10:00pm bedtime for several years now and it makes no difference to how refreshed I feel. By early afternoon, my eyes are heavy, and I feel like I could sleep for hours.
Face flushing - I started noticing red flushing on my nose and cheeks in Aug 2021, it was just occasional, then was happening at least once most days. This symptom has reduced in severity the last several months.
Raynaud’s - I started noticing this in July-Aug 2021 too, but some days were worse than others. Now it happens everyday, almost all day. Both my hands and feet are affected. Discolouration in arms (webbing or lacing?) and legs too, they go reddish-purple with white blotches. My fingers and toes go white, and it hurt terribly, even if I am out walking in the summer. Temperature regulation - started feeling extremely cold all the time around Aug 2021, and I often get a quivering feeling under my skin. Like when the hair stands up on the back of your neck, but all over, under my skin and it persists for several minutes at a time. I will be sitting in the summer sunshine and be shivering with goosebumps. My nose is constantly running and red and my fingers and toes hurt they are so cold. Unfortunately, warmth increases the burning sensations I feel (detailed below), making it impossible to be comfortable. In Jan 2022 I started occasionally having periods of extreme hot flashes, mostly around my torso. No sweating and no fever that I could tell. Feeling hot generally occurs in the evening. But I am painfully cold 99% of the time. See album.
Eyes - this started around Oct 2021. My eyes feel watery, like I must blink to clear them, and my vision is often a bit blurry. I had an annual optometrist appointment in December 2021. The doctor gave me drops and said I have a focusing issue, likely from daily computer use for work. In September 2022, I noticed this was worsening and I started getting double and sometimes triple (top and bottom) vision on tv subtitles. This symptom has improved some over the last year.
Itching - This is where my symptoms start becoming intolerable. The itch started on my abdomen in the early morning hours of Jan 3, 2022. I remember having an intense itch in the middle of the night and when I woke up, I had scratched myself terribly. The rest of that day was fine, no itching. Then the itching went to another level that evening, and I ended up covered in bloody welts by the time I went to bed that night. Scratching always results in immediate bright red marks, sometimes they are quite puffy/inflamed, and occasionally result in large welts. Additionally, pressure results in redness, like if my cat sits on my lap, I will almost immediately have red impressions of her feet on my legs (she is 12 lbs). Warm showers do not induce the itch, though sometimes being hot does, like when I exercise or am particularly stressed. The itch is not relieved with scratching, and it can be anywhere, head to toe, and moves around often. For example, I’ll be scratching a spot on my thigh, and then I’ll get an intense itch on my arm, or head, or back, etc. Even my mouth and eyes sometimes get insanely itchy. It is an intense itch that is not relieved with scratching. Scratching, even briefly, often produces severe skin inflammation. Cetirizine helps a lot if I take 20-40mg/day, but I still have some itching throughout the day. If I stop taking Cetirizine, the intense itch returns within 24-36 hours. Exercising is unbearable. The severity of the itching increases and decreases at times, but I’ve not been able to pinpoint what causes the change. It’s never gone away entirely though, as in, I’ve not had a day without it since it started. See album.
Burning - The burning sensation on my skin started Jan 11, 2022. It’s a very painful burn and feels superficial; like it’s just below or at the surface of my skin. It feels like a physical abrasion-type of burn or a maybe a chemical burn, not a sunburn. Happens in sporadic locations but also affects everywhere. Some spots more frequently than others, like the back of my neck and my abdomen. Sometimes it happens from contact, like when I am dressing/undressing or the pressure of undergarments against my skin, even light touch. Scratching instantly results in an intense burning sensation, like I have scraped the entire top layer of skin off with my nail. Just having a heavy blanket or the pressure of my cat sitting on my lap causes extreme discomfort most of the time. It can also occur randomly, without contact. This continues daily. I can’t even compare the pain to anything I’ve ever felt.
Pain - Mid-January 2022 I started getting aches and pains in my arms and legs, like dehydration cramps, but I am well-hydrated and supplement my magnesium. My chest also often feels like I have a bit of congestion and I get some aching pains. The muscle pain has reduced quite a bit in the last several months.
Rashes - I first noticed this on Jan 13, 2022, they occasionally appear on my joints, sometimes large, like my entire knee or sometimes just a few little spots on my knuckle. My joints are not particularly warm when I notice these spots. There have been a couple of occasions that I felt the burning sensation described above and when I checked my skin, I had a visible rash. Once was on my abdomen and the other time I found a quarter-sized patch on both knees. See album..
Numbness/tingling - I first noticed a lot of numbing and tingling on Jan 11, 2022, with a three-week period of constant tingling and prickling sensations in my hands, sometimes my feet, it’s worse when I exercise. The stinging felt like the pain after touching a stinging nettle. Now the numbness and tingling only happens occasionally, and I don’t have the stinging anymore.
Nausea and feeling faint - started Sep 2022. At times, I have had to sit down in the middle of doing things because I was afraid that I would pass out. This symptom has reduced over the last several months.
Bruising and Beau lines - started late summer. I often scratch through my clothes, or use my clothing to rub an itchy spot, and it tends to result in patches of bruising on my skin. I seem to bruise a lot easier. I started noticing beau’s lines on my nails about a year ago. Mostly my thumbs and index fingers. Recently, I also started getting splinter hemorrhages in my index fingernail. See album.
Specialist Appointment History
Rheumatologist - no arthritis, offered meds for Raynaud’s. Suggested possibly MCAS, lupus, or CFS, but no diagnosis.
Allergist - tested for all common allergies and confirmed to have NONE! I have been referred to allergy again and am awaiting another appointment.
Internal Medicine - several appointments with IM yielded no diagnosis. However, my IUD was brought up at one appointment and I promptly had it removed. Some symptoms improved, but sadly, not all. IUD details below.
Family doctor - initially thought it was somehow a reactivation of mono. No other possibilities suggested.
Psychotherapist - I saw a psychotherapist weekly for several months to help work through a trigger from a childhood trauma. We dedicated several weeks to exploring if my symptoms were associated with my anxiety. We determined that while stress and anxiety make my symptoms worse, they are not the cause.
*I have seen my GP at least two dozen times. Neuropathic pain and itch keeps coming up, but I have not been referred to neurology yet.
IUD - I had a Mirena IUD for 5 years without any symptoms. I had it changed in September 2020. I asked the pharmacy for a lot number and all they could tell me was the expiration date was Sept 30, 2022. They said this only refers to the date it must be inserted by. I had it removed Nov 21, 2022. I’ve tried to determine if the severity of my symptoms change with my cycle, but honestly, I’ve had awful days before, during, and right after my period, so I don’t know.
Moderna COVID-19 vaccines:

1. May 14, 2021
2. July 2, 2021
3. December 22, 2022

Medication History
Note: I have come to hate pharmaceuticals. I feel like doctors keep throwing drugs at me without any concern for the side effects they are causing. For a while, I couldn’t tell what a symptom was and what was a drug side effect. I made it a goal to stop as many medications as I could to get back to a baseline. I am not currently taking any of these prescriptions, just the magnesium and B12.
Sertraline 100-150mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Zopiclone 3.75-7.5mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Prednisone – GP prescribed January 2022 – had no therapeutic effect.
Lyrica 25-75mg TID – discontinued due to side effects initially, though it provided some relief from the burning. Restarted briefly as recommended by IM but couldn’t increase dose enough for therapeutic relief so stopped again.
Cetirizine 20-40mg – took daily from January – November 2022, then discontinued use due to constant headaches. Now I only take it when I absolutely cannot tolerate my itching.
Lorazepam – 0.5-1mg – took for several weeks Nov 2022 to help with symptoms and
resulting stress. Now very occasionally on my worst days.
Rupatadine 10mg OD – tried instead of Cetirizine due to headaches – discontinued after no
relief.
Nifedipine 30mg OD – discontinued after 3 weeks due to persistent migraine.
Duloxetine 30mg OD - helped with the random burning, but not what I’ll call “secondary”, like from scratching. Caused severe insomnia. Doctor stopped since the benefits did not outweigh the side effects.
Magnesium citrate 150mg OD
B12 2000 mcg/week I only started taking this a few months ago, when I eliminated animal products from my diet.
I have tried topicals for the itch and burning without success, including calamine lotion, Polysporin itch lotion, Icy Hot (Doc suggested – bad idea!), and calming body washes and lotions.
Testing History:
Sept. 10, 2021 - neck u/S – lymph node on right measured 1.6cm.
Oct. 28, 2021 - 6-week f/u neck u/S – lymph node on left measured 2.2cm.
Nov. 21, 2021 - neck CT – swelling resolved and showed no lymphoma.
Aug. 5, 2022 - chest X-ray – reported as all clear.
Lots and lots of labs… results at the bottom of the Imgur album.
Additional medical history that may or may not be relevant:
• Suffered childhood trauma and raised in poverty which resulted in some mental health issues (ACE score of 9). I have worked through my trauma with a therapist and feel that was successful. Parents are dead and I am now comfortably in the middle class.
• Psoriasis of the skin and nails. It was quite bad in my youth but resolved 15-20 years ago (shortly after I stopped smoking). I have had several surgeries on my right foot to remove the nail bed of my big toe and baby toe, beginning when I was a child (a toenail became infected from psoriasis and turned gangrenous when I was a toddler). When I was a teenager, my fingernails started blistering and peeling too. This also eventually resolved.
• I was diagnosed with IBS by a GP about 15 years ago. It was also around that time that I was diagnosed with severe GAD and insomnia. Interestingly, the IBS symptoms have seemingly been resolved by not eating animal products.
• I have had several occurrences of stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Though not in the last few years.
• In 2015 I had several days of heavy “abnormal uterine bleeding” that resulted in a trip to the ER. I was on oral contraceptive at the time and a miscarriage was suspected, though several HCG tests were negative. I had a Mirena IUD inserted shortly thereafter and did not have any other issues. The IUD was changed on September 15, 2020. When Internal Medicine suggested a potential link to the IUD, I had it removed on November 21, 2022. The itching and fatigue improved within weeks, and I stopped losing large amounts of hair (which I had not realized I was losing until it stopped).
• An endocrinologist diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s in 2017 after several years of investigating issues with my weight, etc. (labs showed high thyroid antibodies). I go for routine bloodwork to monitor my TSH and so far, it has been normal. I have never been on or required hormone replacement therapy.
• I had a lipoma removed from my inner thigh June 26, 2021 – it was about the size of an egg. The incision healed quickly and without complication.
In case it is relevant, though all the doctors I have seen have told me it isn’t: In October 2020, I began a weight loss journey by making substantial dietary changes – I eliminated all sugar and highly processed foods from my diet, and significantly reduced my intake of
carbohydrates. I started keto, but quickly educated myself on nutrition as much as possible. I began October 2020 at about 90 kgs and by July 2021, I was 54 kgs. Since then, I have maintained my weight (+/- a few kgs) and no longer limit carbs. In fact, I eat 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, healthy grains, beans, etc. now and recently, I completely removed animal products from my diet. Basically, reverse keto. I have been assured that my dietary changes did not cause my symptoms, but I will try anything, and more plants can’t hurt. I have also tried reverting to my old diet” to see if it helped, but it did not. One doctor told me to try limiting carbs even further (<15g/day) to see if that would help. It did not.
If anything needs clarification or more information, please let me know. I am grateful to anyone who can help.

39F, white, 5'2", 57kg, Canadian, no alcohol or tobacco use.
This is quite long.... but I am desperate for help and have run out of options. I need someone to solve my medical mystery. Photo album with dates and descriptions uploaded to Imgur. Lab results is last photo of album: https://imgur.com/a/vmhCgSM. Flick link if Imgur won't open: https://flic.kps/43Pt3w
Swollen lymph nodes - July-Aug 2021, I first noticed feeling something on the right side of my neck when I turned my head. Then I started feeling one swell on the left side, sort of under my jaw. Sometimes my neck feels sore. On September 10, 2021, I had a neck ultrasound and one of the lymph nodes on the left measured 1.6cm. The same node on the opposite side was enlarged even worse at a follow up ultrasound a few weeks later. I had a CT November 21, 2021, and the swelling had resolved. It has come and gone in various neck lymph nodes since then. I am not aware of swelling in any of my other lymph nodes in my body.
Fatigue - started Aug 2021 and I experience it most days. I sometimes wake up dead tired, even if I sleep through the night. I’ve maintained a 9:00-10:00pm bedtime for several years now and it makes no difference to how refreshed I feel. By early afternoon, my eyes are heavy, and I feel like I could sleep for hours.
Face flushing - I started noticing red flushing on my nose and cheeks in Aug 2021, it was just occasional, then was happening at least once most days. This symptom has reduced in severity the last several months.
Raynaud’s - I started noticing this in July-Aug 2021 too, but some days were worse than others. Now it happens everyday, almost all day. Both my hands and feet are affected. Discolouration in arms (webbing or lacing?) and legs too, they go reddish-purple with white blotches. My fingers and toes go white, and it hurt terribly, even if I am out walking in the summer. Temperature regulation - started feeling extremely cold all the time around Aug 2021, and I often get a quivering feeling under my skin. Like when the hair stands up on the back of your neck, but all over, under my skin and it persists for several minutes at a time. I will be sitting in the summer sunshine and be shivering with goosebumps. My nose is constantly running and red and my fingers and toes hurt they are so cold. Unfortunately, warmth increases the burning sensations I feel (detailed below), making it impossible to be comfortable. In Jan 2022 I started occasionally having periods of extreme hot flashes, mostly around my torso. No sweating and no fever that I could tell. Feeling hot generally occurs in the evening. But I am painfully cold 99% of the time. See album.
Eyes - this started around Oct 2021. My eyes feel watery, like I must blink to clear them, and my vision is often a bit blurry. I had an annual optometrist appointment in December 2021. The doctor gave me drops and said I have a focusing issue, likely from daily computer use for work. In September 2022, I noticed this was worsening and I started getting double and sometimes triple (top and bottom) vision on tv subtitles. This symptom has improved some over the last year.
Itching - This is where my symptoms start becoming intolerable. The itch started on my abdomen in the early morning hours of Jan 3, 2022. I remember having an intense itch in the middle of the night and when I woke up, I had scratched myself terribly. The rest of that day was fine, no itching. Then the itching went to another level that evening, and I ended up covered in bloody welts by the time I went to bed that night. Scratching always results in immediate bright red marks, sometimes they are quite puffy/inflamed, and occasionally result in large welts. Additionally, pressure results in redness, like if my cat sits on my lap, I will almost immediately have red impressions of her feet on my legs (she is 12 lbs). Warm showers do not induce the itch, though sometimes being hot does, like when I exercise or am particularly stressed. The itch is not relieved with scratching, and it can be anywhere, head to toe, and moves around often. For example, I’ll be scratching a spot on my thigh, and then I’ll get an intense itch on my arm, or head, or back, etc. Even my mouth and eyes sometimes get insanely itchy. It is an intense itch that is not relieved with scratching. Scratching, even briefly, often produces severe skin inflammation. Cetirizine helps a lot if I take 20-40mg/day, but I still have some itching throughout the day. If I stop taking Cetirizine, the intense itch returns within 24-36 hours. Exercising is unbearable. The severity of the itching increases and decreases at times, but I’ve not been able to pinpoint what causes the change. It’s never gone away entirely though, as in, I’ve not had a day without it since it started. See album.
Burning - The burning sensation on my skin started Jan 11, 2022. It’s a very painful burn and feels superficial; like it’s just below or at the surface of my skin. It feels like a physical abrasion-type of burn or a maybe a chemical burn, not a sunburn. Happens in sporadic locations but also affects everywhere. Some spots more frequently than others, like the back of my neck and my abdomen. Sometimes it happens from contact, like when I am dressing/undressing or the pressure of undergarments against my skin, even light touch. Scratching instantly results in an intense burning sensation, like I have scraped the entire top layer of skin off with my nail. Just having a heavy blanket or the pressure of my cat sitting on my lap causes extreme discomfort most of the time. It can also occur randomly, without contact. This continues daily. I can’t even compare the pain to anything I’ve ever felt.
Pain - Mid-January 2022 I started getting aches and pains in my arms and legs, like dehydration cramps, but I am well-hydrated and supplement my magnesium. My chest also often feels like I have a bit of congestion and I get some aching pains. The muscle pain has reduced quite a bit in the last several months.
Rashes - I first noticed this on Jan 13, 2022, they occasionally appear on my joints, sometimes large, like my entire knee or sometimes just a few little spots on my knuckle. My joints are not particularly warm when I notice these spots. There have been a couple of occasions that I felt the burning sensation described above and when I checked my skin, I had a visible rash. Once was on my abdomen and the other time I found a quarter-sized patch on both knees. See album..
Numbness/tingling - I first noticed a lot of numbing and tingling on Jan 11, 2022, with a three-week period of constant tingling and prickling sensations in my hands, sometimes my feet, it’s worse when I exercise. The stinging felt like the pain after touching a stinging nettle. Now the numbness and tingling only happens occasionally, and I don’t have the stinging anymore.
Nausea and feeling faint - started Sep 2022. At times, I have had to sit down in the middle of doing things because I was afraid that I would pass out. This symptom has reduced over the last several months.
Bruising and Beau lines - started late summer. I often scratch through my clothes, or use my clothing to rub an itchy spot, and it tends to result in patches of bruising on my skin. I seem to bruise a lot easier. I started noticing beau’s lines on my nails about a year ago. Mostly my thumbs and index fingers. Recently, I also started getting splinter hemorrhages in my index fingernail. See album.
Specialist Appointment History
Rheumatologist - no arthritis, offered meds for Raynaud’s. Suggested possibly MCAS, lupus, or CFS, but no diagnosis.
Allergist - tested for all common allergies and confirmed to have NONE! I have been referred to allergy again and am awaiting another appointment.
Internal Medicine - several appointments with IM yielded no diagnosis. However, my IUD was brought up at one appointment and I promptly had it removed. Some symptoms improved, but sadly, not all. IUD details below.
Family doctor - initially thought it was somehow a reactivation of mono. No other possibilities suggested.
Psychotherapist - I saw a psychotherapist weekly for several months to help work through a trigger from a childhood trauma. We dedicated several weeks to exploring if my symptoms were associated with my anxiety. We determined that while stress and anxiety make my symptoms worse, they are not the cause.
*I have seen my GP at least two dozen times. Neuropathic pain and itch keeps coming up, but I have not been referred to neurology yet.
IUD - I had a Mirena IUD for 5 years without any symptoms. I had it changed in September 2020. I asked the pharmacy for a lot number and all they could tell me was the expiration date was Sept 30, 2022. They said this only refers to the date it must be inserted by. I had it removed Nov 21, 2022. I’ve tried to determine if the severity of my symptoms change with my cycle, but honestly, I’ve had awful days before, during, and right after my period, so I don’t know.
Moderna COVID-19 vaccines:

1. May 14, 2021
2. July 2, 2021
3. December 22, 2022

Medication History
Note: I have come to hate pharmaceuticals. I feel like doctors keep throwing drugs at me without any concern for the side effects they are causing. For a while, I couldn’t tell what a symptom was and what was a drug side effect. I made it a goal to stop as many medications as I could to get back to a baseline. I am not currently taking any of these prescriptions, just the magnesium and B12.
Sertraline 100-150mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Zopiclone 3.75-7.5mg OD for many years (stopped recently)
Prednisone – GP prescribed January 2022 – had no therapeutic effect.
Lyrica 25-75mg TID – discontinued due to side effects initially, though it provided some relief from the burning. Restarted briefly as recommended by IM but couldn’t increase dose enough for therapeutic relief so stopped again.
Cetirizine 20-40mg – took daily from January – November 2022, then discontinued use due to constant headaches. Now I only take it when I absolutely cannot tolerate my itching.
Lorazepam – 0.5-1mg – took for several weeks Nov 2022 to help with symptoms and
resulting stress. Now very occasionally on my worst days.
Rupatadine 10mg OD – tried instead of Cetirizine due to headaches – discontinued after no
relief.
Nifedipine 30mg OD – discontinued after 3 weeks due to persistent migraine.
Duloxetine 30mg OD - helped with the random burning, but not what I’ll call “secondary”, like from scratching. Caused severe insomnia. Doctor stopped since the benefits did not outweigh the side effects.
Magnesium citrate 150mg OD
B12 2000 mcg/week I only started taking this a few months ago, when I eliminated animal products from my diet.
I have tried topicals for the itch and burning without success, including calamine lotion, Polysporin itch lotion, Icy Hot (Doc suggested – bad idea!), and calming body washes and lotions.
Testing History:
Sept. 10, 2021 - neck u/S – lymph node on right measured 1.6cm.
Oct. 28, 2021 - 6-week f/u neck u/S – lymph node on left measured 2.2cm.
Nov. 21, 2021 - neck CT – swelling resolved and showed no lymphoma.
Aug. 5, 2022 - chest X-ray – reported as all clear.
Lots and lots of labs… results at the bottom of the Imgur album.
Additional medical history that may or may not be relevant:
• Suffered childhood trauma and raised in poverty which resulted in some mental health issues (ACE score of 9). I have worked through my trauma with a therapist and feel that was successful. Parents are dead and I am now comfortably in the middle class.
• Psoriasis of the skin and nails. It was quite bad in my youth but resolved 15-20 years ago (shortly after I stopped smoking). I have had several surgeries on my right foot to remove the nail bed of my big toe and baby toe, beginning when I was a child (a toenail became infected from psoriasis and turned gangrenous when I was a toddler). When I was a teenager, my fingernails started blistering and peeling too. This also eventually resolved.
• I was diagnosed with IBS by a GP about 15 years ago. It was also around that time that I was diagnosed with severe GAD and insomnia. Interestingly, the IBS symptoms have seemingly been resolved by not eating animal products.
• I have had several occurrences of stomach ulcers and kidney stones. Though not in the last few years.
• In 2015 I had several days of heavy “abnormal uterine bleeding” that resulted in a trip to the ER. I was on oral contraceptive at the time and a miscarriage was suspected, though several HCG tests were negative. I had a Mirena IUD inserted shortly thereafter and did not have any other issues. The IUD was changed on September 15, 2020. When Internal Medicine suggested a potential link to the IUD, I had it removed on November 21, 2022. The itching and fatigue improved within weeks, and I stopped losing large amounts of hair (which I had not realized I was losing until it stopped).
• An endocrinologist diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s in 2017 after several years of investigating issues with my weight, etc. (labs showed high thyroid antibodies). I go for routine bloodwork to monitor my TSH and so far, it has been normal. I have never been on or required hormone replacement therapy.
• I had a lipoma removed from my inner thigh June 26, 2021 – it was about the size of an egg. The incision healed quickly and without complication.
In case it is relevant, though all the doctors I have seen have told me it isn’t: In October 2020, I began a weight loss journey by making substantial dietary changes – I eliminated all sugar and highly processed foods from my diet, and significantly reduced my intake of
carbohydrates. I started keto, but quickly educated myself on nutrition as much as possible. I began October 2020 at about 90 kgs and by July 2021, I was 54 kgs. Since then, I have maintained my weight (+/- a few kgs) and no longer limit carbs. In fact, I eat 8-10 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, healthy grains, beans, etc. now and recently, I completely removed animal products from my diet. Basically, reverse keto. I have been assured that my dietary changes did not cause my symptoms, but I will try anything, and more plants can’t hurt. I have also tried reverting to my old diet” to see if it helped, but it did not. One doctor told me to try limiting carbs even further (<15g/day) to see if that would help. It did not.
If anything needs clarification or more information, please let me know. I am grateful to anyone who can help.

Got diagnosed 8 months ago w a shitty primary OB
Had another one 3 months after that was 1/10 the severity and only had a rash on the outside (I’m a girl) took less than a week to heal
Having my 3rd outbreak 5 months later from #2. Looks like a cluster of swollen goosebumps that are itchy and a little sore to touch. I think it’s probably the same severity as last OB. Hopefully will heal fast
Hopefully as time goes by my next OB will take longer and longer to arrive with smaller and smaller rashes. I think that’s how it works idk.
Posting for my sake. Read If you want.

HELP!!! I’m going insane!
I once posted on here about what I was going through with the bumps on my skin and the repeating patterns. I don’t recall how but eventually it wen away last time and I didn’t take medicine or do the permethrin cream, just told myself it was a stresss rash, was extra cleanly and eventually the symptoms subsided.
Fast forward 6 month - Like last time, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up with intense itching on my wrist and right away noticed the burrow line on my wrist. As the day went on I started feeling more itchy. Once on my elbow and later on the side where my arm touches my bra strap. When ingot home from work I took my clothes off and noticed all the bumps on my skin and immediately felt the blood rush to my head and get goosebumps and the scabies phobia/ obsession loop started. I’m clearly allergic to whatever is in my couch because when i scratch they turn into welts. And again, my roommate and boyfriend are fine and we are very touch. The only difference is they didn’t sleep on the couch either time it happened.

About a month ago I switched to Rybelsus because of the shortage. (Started Ozempic in July) About 10 days ago I noticed my back, neck, shoulders and arms feel like I have a sunburn. Light touch + movement hurts quite a bit (touching the skin with no kind of friction seems ok) It started mild, but over a couple of days got much worse. Clothes moving over my skin would give me chills and goosebumps constantly. I have no rash at all. No markings whatsoever.
I've seen some posts here regarding this. One theory I saw was that it's actually a paradoxical reversal of diabetic neuropathy...so it could be related to neuropathy improving, then it goes away. I am not, and never have been diabetic. My last A1C was 5.2 (a while ago, but never another reason to test it)
I emailed my endocrinologist, and he pretty much ignored that part of my email (I had a couple of questions within the email). I had a phone consult with a GP, and he was useless. I switched back to Ozempic yesterday because, thankfully, it's available again. This was the only thing the GP could think to recommend and said if it doesn't get better to call back.
It's getting really annoying and frustrating. I don't even want to accept hugs from my husband because it hurts unless he stays completely still. 😟
I'm really hoping it's just the semaglutide and not some other weird neuropathy.
Anyone who has had this, can you please share how long it lasted, how long after starting you noticed it, and whether you are or were diabetic.
Also, if you have had this happen, please report it to Novo Nordisk and your government health agency. It's not currently a recognized side effect, probably because people don't know they can report. (I reported to NN and Health Canada)

My main feelings that i am experiencing when its flaring up:
-It’s random and not triggered by mental or physical exercise
-it causing dissociation feeling as i’m observing reality more simplier and without a depth. I can’t visualize and be creative. Dpdr.
-i feel the goosebumps inside my brain
-Cognitive decline
-Weight on my eyes, body, limbs. Sleepiness and fatigue. Slight Tinnitus. Red Rashes.
-i also feel like it causing me difficulty breathing, as i’m breathing thru the straw and thru a long episode of asthma.
From what i observed, it incubates every 1-2 weeks and lasting the same. For example, i felt 80% last 4 days, however it was still dpdr but not as much as I’m experiencing today.
Valtrex 2000 mg a day. Not helping with this type of hepres, only helps with ebv and hs1-2, and i treated them last two very well, as my temperature, lymph nodes and some cognitive impairment stabilized and recovered.
However, how to treat hv6? Anybody who experiencing the same? I’m so down. And yes, i do have this on my blood work and pcr, but doctors don’t want to help.

27M. Height - 167 cm. Weight - 67 kg. Race - caucasian. Primary complaint - feeling of swelling, numbness (without loss of sensation), goosebumps, burning of the forehead, temples, eyebrows, eyelid of the right eye for over three months and sometimes the opposite, feelings of cold, menthol. Any existing medical issues - graves' disease, hypothyroidism after radioiodotherapy. Current medications - Euthyrox (l-thyroxine) 150 mcg in the morning one hour before meals, Fevarine 100 mg at evening, Teralijen 1/at bedtime. I don't drink alcohol, I don't do drugs. I smoke disposable electronic cigarettes. I'm from Kazakhstan.
In more detail:
Hello! I am very worried about my condition, which has been going on for more than three months and makes my life simply unbearable. I am very much asking for help to understand what is happening to me.My story will be very long and detailed and in chronological order as I don't want to miss any symptoms that might be of significance.
In early May 2022, I underwent radioiodine treatment for Graves' disease. After I started hormone replacement therapy and my TSH came back to normal, I felt just fine. My endocrinologist said I could now live a normal life and not deny myself anything. The only issue, in July 2022 I had shingles on my chest and back which cleared up in 2 weeks and caused no complications. Over the next year, I worked out regularly three times a week at the gym, maintained an active lifestyle, changed jobs. I felt great.
From February 2023 to August 17, 2023, I took 150 mcg of l-thyroxine daily in the morning before meals. In addition, as part of my healthy lifestyle, I took the OPTI-MEN supplement from Optimum Nutrition at a rate of 1 per day. Also Omega-3, but not every day. Also whey protein from a local manufacturer. No alcohol, but smoked vape (electronic cigarette) regularly and a lot. I've also been addicted to xylometazoline drops since childhood. Without them, my nose doesn't breathe and swells.
On August 17, during a routine check of my TSH, I found it to be 0.38 µME/mL. After consulting with my endocrinologist, they decided to switch to 125 mcg of l-thyroxine instead of 150 mcg. A couple days before that I felt a slight discomfort in my throat, but didn't pay attention. On August 17, a feeling of itching of the skin of my throat in the thyroid area added to the discomfort. I found a slight redness of the skin in this area and also a little lower in the chest area.Since I had been to a fish restaurant a couple days before (which happens very rarely as I have disliked fish since childhood), my girlfriend recommended I see a dermatologist. The dermatologist thought it was an allergy and prescribed dexamethasone intravenously and calcium gluconate intramuscularly for 5 days.
I did a blood test. The abnormalities are as follows:NEU# 6.02 10 * 9/L; EOS# 0.002 10 * 9/L; EOS% 0.2%Eosinophilic cationic protein 30 mcg/L.Total IgE was normal (<2.5 IU/mL).I also had an ultrasound of the abdomen. No abnormalities were found (except small diffuse changes in the pancreas). I did serologic blood tests for antibodies to parasites, no abnormalities found. Stool analysis is also without abnormalities.After injections manifestations of allergies went away. I had already managed to almost forget this incident, but on August 27, I felt a feeling of stiffness of the skin, numbness (but without loss of sensitivity) and went to a neurologist. On examination, the neurologist found no abnormalities and said that my feelings were from anxiety and worry and that I needed some rest. I refused to take any sedatives.I continued to work out at the gym and live a full life, but the sensations began to bother me slightly. On September 1 at work, I discovered that I had a rash on my hair in the temple area with purulent contents. Since I already knew what it felt like to have shingles, and the rashes appeared almost in the same place where the unpleasant sensations were, I suspected shingles and went to the dermatologist again. Since the rashes were on both sides, and the sensations spread to the entire line of hair growth on the forehead and temples, shingles remained in doubt, but still decided to prescribe treatment - Valacyclovir 3000 mg per day. I attach a photo of rashes on Imgur: https://imgur.com/a/QHLCRW6. I took a skin scraping for Varicella-zoster DNA - the result was negative.
For two weeks I took valacyclovir and thought I had shingles again. The numbness sensation started to be replaced by a burning sensation, especially before bedtime. As a result, on September 30, because the burning and numbness were causing a lot of discomfort and the rashes had not gone away, I went to the dermatologist again. A diagnosis of shingles was ruled out. I was diagnosed with contact dermatitis and folliculitis of the scalp. But since my sensations were exhausting and too uncomfortable, I was referred to a neurologist again. The neurologist prescribed Hydroxyzine 12.5 mg before bedtime as a sedative. Sometime during this period I began to notice that in the evenings I had a temperature of 37.0 - 37.2 degrees Celsius, and my sleep became much worse. I began to wake up in the morning with a feeling of extreme anxiety because of these sensations.Taking hydroxyzine did not improve the situation, nor did it improve my sleep or take away the feeling of anxiety. The feeling of anxiety became unbearable. Since I did not understand what was happening to me, and the feelings did not go away for a single day for a month, I began to think that I had some much more serious disease. Like multiple sclerosis. I stopped sleeping at night, falling asleep in the morning and waking up 3 hours later. I started to feel discomfort and burning not only along the hair growth line on my forehead and temples, but also in the area of the whole forehead, eyebrows and a feeling of swelling of the right eyelid.
It was starting to drive me crazy. The sensations would subside and then come back in the evening. It could be almost non-existent throughout the day and even before I went to bed, then I would fall asleep almost fine, but in the morning the burning and swelling/numbness of my forehead would start again. Discomfort and dry eyes appeared. The stools worsened significantly, becoming liquid and frequent. It was also maddening to constantly feel a slight fever and discomfort in my throat. I was waking up at night because of feeling hot, my head started to sweat terribly in my sleep, my pillow could be squeezed out.On October 3, I had an MRI scan of my brain and orbits of my eyes due to panic. No abnormalities were found. Only a small cyst in an appendicular sinus of the nose.
On October 8, I went to another neurologist to clarify the abnormalities on the MRI. He also found no abnormalities. But he prescribed me a course of escitalopram and gave me a referral to a psychotherapist. I continued to drink Hydroxyzine at night.Within a week of taking escitalopram, my condition worsened even more. The burning before bed became even more painful. The fever became constant. On October 14, I saw a psychotherapist by referral. The therapist changed the regimen:Removed escitalopram and replaced it with fluvoxamine. Canceled hydroxyzine and prescribed etifoxine as a cover.My sleep did not improve again, I could not sleep well. I kept waking up in a sweat. It became unbearable to work, so I switched to remote mode. But it didn't help, my concentration was at a minimum, I was constantly disturbed by the feeling of swelling, numbness, burning and thoughts that something was wrong with me and I was seriously ill, and doctors couldn't understand and didn't believe in the seriousness of my problems because of my age and lack of significant external manifestations of the disease. Urination became frequent, once an hour. Daytime sweating of armpits, hands and feet appeared.Stools also did not improve. Started going to the toilet very little. Started losing weight. I went from 73 kg to 67 kg. I constantly thought that after going to the shower I saw some rashes, redness on my forehead. But everyone around me convinced me that my skin is normal and I have no skin problems except folliculitis.November 7 came up to see the results of my l-thyroxine dosage adjustment. My TSH was 19.16 mEd/L (after 0.38 mEd/L on August 17). There were also other abnormalities in my blood work: eosinophils, % - 0.6. Creatinine - 105 µmol/l. After consulting with an endrocrinologist, they decided to return the dosage to 150 mcg of l-thyroxine. I thought that maybe finally my feelings and anxiety would go away when my hormones stopped "bouncing", but today, December 13 I still feel just as awful.
In late November I went to see a gastroenterologist as my stools were not improving and was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome and prescribed treatment. The stools have improved and are back to normal now. In addition to this I have done other examinations - chest CT scan, bladder and kidney ultrasound, ECG. Everywhere without abnormalities.But after two months of taking escitalopram with increasing dosage up to the therapeutic dosage, I do not feel any improvement in terms of burning sensations, swelling, itching. My entire forehead, eyebrows burn regularly before bedtime. Sometimes it may not burn, but just a feeling of swelling in different places. Lately I have started to feel as if I have hot flashes to my right eye. The feeling of swelling in my nose has been added.The therapist says the sensations should go away on their own soon. Sometimes it happens that the sensations do not bother me much during the whole day and it seems to me that the disease finally recedes, but then by the evening of the next day before going to bed they come back again and stay the next day. It fluctuates like this throughout the day. I don't understand what could be causing them. I've tried to be relaxed and calm, tried to intensify them by mentally concentrating on them, tried to ignore them. Nothing helps.I'm really tired of living like this. These forehead, temples, eyebrows sensations are driving me crazy. I still think they are caused by some kind of skin disease or something worse, but I don't know how to fix it or who to go to. The 37 degree celsius temperature, terrible sleep, anxiety, sweaty hands and feet, frequent urination persist. I feel hot and cold all the time. I feel these hot flashes to my eye. The sensations then burn, then there is just a feeling of swelling. It's scary. So I am really asking for help from you guys. I have many pictures of my forehead. Lots of all sorts of blood tests. I can send you any information you need. Please help me figure out what is happening to me. I can't figure out if I'm really sick or if all the things described are manifestations of my mental health. My life has literally gone to hell in three months. My relationships and career are falling apart and my physical and mental state is getting worse every day. I can't do anything but search for the causes of my condition. I was really hoping that antidepressants would help, but they seem to be making things worse.

[Part 23]
[Part 25]
“You want some gravy with that?”
I looked up halfway through my fourth biscuit to see Chris nudge a round cast-iron pot filled with creamy pork gravy my way.
Any other time, I might have been terrified to gorge myself in front of a guy, much less an entire crowd of people who sat elbow-to-elbow in the firelit yard of the church, but my stomach became a bottomless pit the instant food was set before me. I hadn’t been this hungry in years, and the only dish I had yet to touch was a bowl heaped with orangish-brown apricot jelly, the substance too close to spider mucous for my imagination to handle.
“Yes please.” Gulping down another glass of water, I made an apologetic half-smile. “Also . . . are there any more of those links?”
Jamie passed a plate my way, wearing the same wry grin as everyone else, the platter filled with finger-length brown sausages. “You can have a whole pig if you want. After downing four Echo Spiders, I’d say you more than earned it. Pretty sure that’s a record.”
A record for sheer dumb luck.
My face heated up like an iron, the praise still so foreign to me, and I shrugged as I speared several more sausages. “I almost blew myself up in the process. Besides, I didn’t stick around to see if they all died or not. If it hadn’t been for that guy in the chemical suit, I never would have made it out.”
Adam put down his fork and eyed me curiously from across the long rug. “You said he was all alone? And unarmed?”
I bit down on another peppery sausage and thought about those kind silver-colored eyes behind the gas mask. “Uh huh. It’s like nothing scared him, or even knew he was there. He just walked in out of nowhere and scooped me up.”
Eve’s golden eyes glittered with wonder, and she picked at her rather sparse plate of toast and apple slices with an absent-minded swirl of her spoon. “Did he ever tell you his name?”
“No.” I scraped more butter over another fluffy white biscuit, the man’s silver eyes flashing through my mind once more. “All he had on his suit was a number. Thirty-Six. I figured he was with ELSAR, but honestly . . . I have no idea who he was.”
From somewhere down the line to my right, Aleph handed Jamie a bowl of oatmeal and the conversation drifted into other things, which suited me just fine.
I’d been delighted to find that the strange citizens of Ark River loved to eat breakfast food at dinner, a custom that was not lost on me. Pancakes and eggs, sausage and gravy, biscuits by the pound, all were laid out in rich quantity, thanks to the countless fields and herds that surrounded the remarkable village. Everything New Wilderness lacked, Ark River had in triplicate, cows, sheep, pigs, and entire hillsides covered in late-harvest grain. Creamy milk from their dairy cows filled one pitcher, cold spring water another, and a third held some kind of tart purple juice squeezed from a mutated fruit they called a Rudgar Apple. We sat on cushions and furs, the coverlet from the bed still draped around my shoulders, and with several campfires alight nearby, I felt warm enough that I no longer shivered. I’d been given another vial of Lantern Rose nectar for my various wounds and had watched in awe as the bruises faded away like magic. It was the best I’d felt in days, and the only thing that could have made it better was a hot shower, and a phone call home.
“You’re sure I can have more?” I blinked at Adam’s offer of baked apple slices with caramel sauce on the side, my stomach already near bursting.
“God has been good to us.” He set the trencher beside me, not nearly as threatening without his armor and sword. “With Eve’s companion planting, the mutants don’t bother our crops, and the livestock we caught from abandoned farms in the valley. Go on, take as much as you want.”
I bit into a crisp piece of apple and relished the burst of sweetness it gave, and noted Eve’s bland plate with a furrowed brow. “Aren’t you hungry?”
Her golden eyes lit up, and Eve’s pale cheekbones tinged a rosy pink. “I have to be careful what I eat. Rich food tends to come back up.”
Eve’s hand brushed the contour of her stomach, the fabric pressing tight to reveal a slight bump, barely noticeable on her slender frame. Adam tucked an extra blanket around her shoulders and nudged a few more bits of toast her way, the two of them beaming at each other like kids at a fireworks show. Being an only child, with Carla as my closest influence, I’d always thought pregnancy to be something I wanted to avoid, a hindrance to all the amazing things I wanted to do in life. But sitting there, watching the way Eve positively glowed with happiness, showered with adoration by Adam in every passing glance, tugged something loose in my subconscious.
They’re both so happy. Even when talking about vomit. To be loved like that . . . wow.
“Congratulations.” Doing my best not to be inwardly envious, I wiped my mouth with a napkin and set my apple slice down. “How far along are you?”
“A month.” Eve bit her lower lip in excitement, as if she could barely contain herself from giggling. “It’s the first one for our kind, so naturally I’m—Lazarus, leave her be!”
Her sudden shift in tone sent ice through my blood, and I whirled to look at what drew Eve’s ire.
A cry of alarm choked me, and I froze in place.
Right at my elbow, a huge brown head munched not inches away, a black nose snuffling at my unguarded apple slices. Long curved antlers glowed green in the night, and a pink tongue swathed at the last of the caramel. Without its metal armor, the deer almost appeared stuffed for how fuzzy its coat was, chestnut brown in thick tufts along its back and flanks.
At Eve’s command, its head jerked up to blink back at her in feigned innocence, and titters of amusement rippled through the rest of the onlookers.
Eve jumped to her feet and marched around out section of rug to wag a finger in the animal’s face, hands on her hips in scolding. “You jumped the corral again, didn’t you? What did I say about getting out? What did I say?”
The deer lowered its head with a bashful huff, and tried to lick a smear of the caramel sauce from its coal-black nose.
“Don’t think I didn’t see that.” Eve crossed her arms with indignance and tapped her foot on the lush grass of the yard. “You should be ashamed of yourself, stealing from our guests. Poor Hannah was having a lovely time, and now she has no apples left.”
Adam chuckled, hazel eyes shining at his wife. “He only started doing that when you began feeding him your scraps. I’m afraid this is learned behavior, amica mea.”
Non-plussed by Adam’s loving quip, Eve jabbed a finger at the deer with a stern look. “You apologize, right now.”
Apologize?
I glanced at Jamie in bewilderment, but she jerked her head back to the scene with a knowing grin. “Put your hand out.”
With a slight tremble to my fingers, I stretched out my hand, and swallowed a nervous lump in my throat.
Our eyes locked again, and the deer watched me with deep, soft brown eyes that were disarming for how innocent they looked. He sniffed at my skin, cautious, and despite his impressive size, this creature appeared to be just as wary of me as I was of him.
The deer stuck out his tongue, and gave my hand a gritty, inquisitive lick. It tickled like slimy combination of sandpaper, and I slid my hand over his long snout to pat his silky fur. I’d never been this close to a wild animal before, certainly not one this big, and I felt the corners of my mouth turn upward in childish glee.
Cool.
“Silly creature.” Eve gave in to her own pleased smile, and rewarded Lazurus with a few scratches behind his large mousy ears. “Bone-Faced Whitetail love sugar. This guy ate five pounds of it the first few days after he woke up. Then again, I can’t blame them. I ate like a fool after my redemption as well.”
Her words brought my thoughts to a screeching halt, and I stared at her.
Redemption? I that some kind of religion thing? Since when did Bible-thumpers worship deer?
“Miss Brun, a word?” Adam’s eyes were on me, and he got to his feet, my black backpack in one hand.
Unsure what he wanted, but certain that it was a request I shouldn’t refuse, I got up, and left the fur coverlet behind. Chris and Jamie threw each other brief glances, but neither followed, and Eve remained beside Lazurus, her petite face a mask of contemplation.
I caught up with Adam, and we walked toward the double wooden doors at the front of the church, the path lined with stones in decorative intervals. At first, we didn’t speak, the low murmur of dinner faded into the background, crickets chirping in the cool night air.
He slung one of the cut straps of my backpack over his shoulder, and Adam hooked the opposite thumb into his sword belt. “I’d rather we have this conversation in private. My wife is a gentle soul, stronger than she lets on, but explaining her condition to outsiders has always made her feel awkward. You understand, I hope.”
Did I upset her?
Cringing at my social clumsiness, I kicked at a stray blade of grass in our path. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. You guys just seemed so happy about the baby, I figured it was okay.”
We reached the church steps, and I climbed the sandstone blocks alongside Adam, my ears perking up at the faint chorus of singing from inside the church doors.
“Please, Hannah, you’ve done nothing wrong. Besides, I didn’t mean Eve’s pregnancy.” Adam stopped by the light-stained wooden doors and faced me. “Tell me, how long have you been in Barron County?”
“Around a week.” I tried to count the days in my head, and a horrible realization struck me.
My birthday. It was in two days. I’d promised Dad I’d be home, he’d been looking forward to this for weeks on end. Just the thought of them, waiting by the phone for me to call sent shards of pain through my soul. I’d left my phone in Matt’s car the night we’d come here and hadn’t heard from the outside world since. Service at New Wilderness dropped off in sporadic bursts, and Dr. O’Brian hadn’t been able to reach anyone with her few preserved electronics.
I should have called Mom and Dad when I had the chance, instead of Matt and Carla.
“Jamie tells me that you came with two friends?” Adam’s face formed into a sympathetic grimace, and it seemed he’d already been told my unfortunate story.
“Yeah. But they’re not my friends anymore.” I dug the toe of my shoe into a dimple in the stone porch and tried not to let my internal agony show. “Not like Jamie and Chris.”
Silence reigned between us for a moment, wind swished in the nearby distant trees, and a few of the Bone-Faced Whitetail bugled from their corral several houses away.
“I came all the way from Iowa, alone.” Adam gazed out over the happy party in the church yard, both eyes on his wife as she led Lazarus back to his pen. “My first wife, Stacy, died last year, and I had no other place that needed me. When I first arrived, there was nothing here save for this church, and a little wooden garden shed in the backyard. To make matters worse, no one even came to my first Sunday service.”
Puzzled, I looked out at the houses that ringed the chapel, the expanse of fields beyond the wall. “So, what happened?”
“The Lost Ones, the creatures you call ‘Puppets’, showed up.” He rubbed the pommel of his sword with one thumb, and Adam’s face bore a wistful expression. “You know, at first I thought they were demons from Hell. They were everywhere, screaming like banshees, and they tore up my car so I couldn’t leave.”
A snippet of anxiety tightened in my chest at the thought of being cornered out here all by myself, with hordes of Puppets outside my window, and I looked up from my shoes. “What did you do?”
Adam let slide a pained, sad smile, and shook his head at himself, like an old man reliving his rash youth. “I was frightened and didn’t know any better, so I shot at whatever ones came close. Thankfully, I didn’t have much ammunition, or I would have continued in that way. But if we Stirling men are good at anything, it’s being stubborn, and so one day I decided to trap one of the creatures in my shed to study it.”
His eyes gleamed, and Adam gestured to the willowy form of Eve, who had returned to the feast and sat chatting with Jamie over the scraps of dinner. “And just like that, God brought Eve into my life.”
Wait . . . what?
My jaw dropped, and I shuddered at a sudden chill, a jumble of thoughts falling into place in my head. The painted faces on their armor. The uniform, unnatural hair and eye color. The lack of old people, or little ones. Eve’s words about being the first of ‘her kind’ to get pregnant. Suddenly, it all made sense in a bizarre upending of everything I’d come to accept as normal for this place.
“She’s . . .” I stuttered, my skin clammy, goosebumps over my arms. “She’s a Puppet?”
That same tender affection flooded Adam’s features once more, and he drank in the sight of his wife like water in a desert. “She was, yes. By the grace of God, now she’s flesh and blood, just like you and I. There’s a reason the Lost Ones only come out at night. Sunlight changes them, resets their memories, and makes them human. It’s a painful, dangerous process, and one out of every four won’t survive it, but those that do are welcomed into our family, to do the work of our Lord.”
“Which is?” I hugged my arms around myself again, not so cold as unnerved, this blissful sanctuary not at all what I’d first thought it to be.
“Redemption.” He pushed through the double doors, and I slipped through after him, into an overpowering aura of light and sound.
My parents had never been particularly religious, and so I’d only ever been inside a church once or twice in my life, mostly for weddings. They’d always struck me as one of three extremes; huge, elegant cathedrals filled with people who were only there for familial ties, little bland chapels with a huddle of elderly people who turned their nose up at my blue jeans in disapproval, or blocky modern mega-churches that attempted to turn every service into a concert, with throngs of people who barely knew each other. This had somewhat soured my view on organized religion, as I’d never felt like I belonged in any of those places, and my friendship with the rabidly atheistic Carla cemented those feelings.
But somehow, as the double doors of the church in Ark River glided shut behind me, I found myself mesmerized with a sensation of awe that I couldn’t place.
Candles lit up the room with a pulsating glow that filled every corner, shadows a foreign concept among the exposed wooden ceiling beams and stained-glass windows. Gorgeous scenes adorned each window, of a man and woman in a garden, of animals and sea creatures frolicking in the sunshine, and even a few that looked like dragons soaring in the sky. Similar carvings were scrawled over the long oaken benches that lined the walls, and the center of the floor thronged with row after row of people, interspersed among the bolt holes in the floor where the pews had originally been. They sat on ornate rugs, two to a section, one man and one woman each on their knees side by side. Their weapons lay sheathed in neat rows by their sides, and the worshipers sang with their eyes closed, each couple holding hands. I couldn’t understand a word of their chorus, but it floated in a lofty chant that reminded me of the old medieval movies I’d watched in history class, an almost otherworldly rhythm that needed no guitar band or subwoofers to make its presence felt. No one seemed reluctant to be here, and every face beamed with a calm that I couldn’t help but admire, a peaceful contentedness that rivaled any family reunion I’d ever been to. At the front of the room, a single, plain wooden cross hung from the wall, all lights focused on a name etched into the grain, outlined in gold paint.
Adonai.
I remembered to breathe and couldn’t help but let my eyes be drawn to the name in gold. God had been something of a mythical figure for me, someone I referred to in jest, or thought about only when I was afraid. Discussing religion with Matt and Carla had been a sure-fire way to end up in a heated argument, and I’d never bothered to think about it otherwise. But now, standing here in this bizarre hall with the Gregorian-style mantra dancing in my ears, a small part of me dared to wonder, to think, to reach out from behind the barricade of my comfortable disbelief into a terrifying unknown.
Are you really out there?
“Faith is an interesting thing.” Adam spoke quietly in between the bars of the singers and motioned for me to sit beside him in an empty spot along the wall. “In our modern times, it seems most believe they don’t have it, which is an ironic form of faith in and of itself. We humans think we’re masters of the whole world, with our lights, planes, and skyscrapers. Yet it takes only the smallest microbe, the flick of a switch, the push of a button, and we’re right back to what we once were . . . blind, hateful creatures that kill anything we don’t understand. In that way, we’re not so different from the monsters outside our walls. Only light, God’s light, can redeem us, and save us from ourselves.”
I sat beside him on the old bench and chewed my lip in a blizzard of thoughts. The face of the wounded soldier floated up into my mind’s eye, and guilt wormed its way through my heart in a nasty twist.
“I’m not sure I believe in God, to be honest.” Avoiding his gaze, I picked at a chunk of dried mud on my pantleg.
“Did you believe in monsters before you came here?” Adam reclined against the backrest of the pew with a patient expression, his hands folded in his lap.
“Well . . . no.” My face seethed with heat. “But even if he is real, I don’t think he’d want to talk to someone like me. I’m not a good person.”
“No one is.” Adam pointed at the cross. “That’s kind of the point.”
Tears rose in my eyes, and I fought them with hard blinks. I’d learned not to share things with people over the years, and I’d only ever been this vulnerable with Jamie once. But something about these people, with their heartfelt smiles and easy mannerisms chipped away at my internal walls. They all seemed so . . . genuine, and try as I might, I realized that I wanted to tell the truth.
“I killed someone.” I whispered, my throat closing in a sob. “I didn’t mean to, but it just happened so fast. Now I can’t stop thinking about it, and I feel like . . . like a murderer.”
Adam leaned forward, his elbows on both knees, and observed me without a sign of judgment in his expression. “This new world we find ourselves in is just as harsh and cruel as the one we left behind, Hannah. Often that means we have to do things to survive that tear at our soul. The fact that you feel so guilty is testament that there’s still hope for you.”
“How?” I wiped at my eyes and shook my head in shame. “Every time I try to help, I end up in more trouble. I went in after that stupid box, and it turns out Chris and Jamie didn’t even need me. The only reason I survived was because of that guy in the chemical suit, and what good did it do? My birthday is supposed to be in a few days, and my parents don’t even know where I am. If God exists, then he must hate me.”
I expected a rebuke, for him to shame me, or demand my repentance. More than one of the ‘religious’ people I’d met in school had been that way, pushy, easily offended when I questioned their beliefs, and vindictive when I refused to see things their way. In this place, with its magical ambience, it wouldn’t have surprised me if my lack of faith had been met with condemnation.
Instead, Adam pulled out a red pocket handkerchief, and handed it to me with a sigh. “My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts.”
Blowing my nose into the soft crimson cloth, I rested my face in both hands, misery overtaking my previous joyful emotions. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tears of his own brimmed at his eyes, and Adam stared ahead at the cross, with a sincerity in his tone that even I couldn’t doubt. “It means that God does things we don’t understand to bring us to the places we never knew we needed to go. Sometimes that means losing people we love, enduring pain, suffering through horrible, unjust things. But if we listen, if we follow his guidance, God rewards us with a life truly worth living. If God hadn’t taken Stacy from me, Eve would still be walking on all fours and eating raw flesh in the woods. He gave her a new life, incredible intelligence, and instincts beyond my own. She was the one who learned Latin from my old seminary books and taught it to everyone else. She was the one who learned how to use the native plants to protect our crops from the mutants. She was the one who tamed the deer so we could ride them.”
He turned and placed the backpack in my lap and gave me a comforting pat on my shoulder. “God brought you here for a reason, Hannah Brun. He led you to this box, sent that man in the chemical suit to rescue you, and let us find you before the pirates did. He doesn’t hate you. He’s giving you a chance to start over.”
I wanted to argue, to snap at him, to tell him I didn’t believe in any of it, but the truth was, I didn’t know what to think. My mind was a wreck, my heart a shredded mass of unknown fear, and more than anything, I just wanted someone to help me make sense of it all.
A week. My world was normal, sane, and reasonable a week ago.
Clutching the backpack to my stomach, I sniffled, and offered him his handkerchief back. “I . . . I need to get some air. But thank you. This means a lot to me.”
Adam smiled and leaned back in his seat. “Of course. Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready, I’m sure Eve would love to draw that bath for you. I’ll be here, if you need anything.”
I strode back to the double doors of the church and looked over my shoulder one last time at the beautiful interior, with its fantastical scenes, devout congregants, and that plain wooden cross hanging at the forefront of it all. How many times had I cheated death since I’d come here? How many times had I escaped a terrible fate by sheer luck? Could it all have been a coincidence?
My eyes locked onto that name, written in the dried crossbeam of the crucifix in the same color as the eyes of the people who had once been monsters.
Adonai.
Like a clap of thunder, the silver eyes of the strange man from Collingswood slipped into my mind, and my heart flip-flopped inside my chest.
I pushed through the doors back into the night, no longer hungry, and gripped the pack with shaking hands. It had to be exhaustion, fatigue from my delusional trek out of that cursed town. One good night’s sleep, and I’d be alright again.
At least, I hoped so.