Insert abysses emoji here:
I’ve spent
My entire life
speaking to
people who
weren't even there
A hole in my head
or whomever
went there
Matter fought
Torn, turned
strewn
With spirit
interwoven
yet from one
comes two

Of course
blood speaks
claws and
crowns unique
My oh my
what big teeth
Just you wait
you’re in
for a treat

Past
Forgotten
Memories
Became
Future
Fantasies
All not seen
Is history
kingdom
come
To speak
and glean
all figured
round about
and above
it’s just so
Here we are
all evolved
with nowhere
to go

You think
I am
therefore
you think
You be
you seem
awake
torn the
screen
Unseen
but heard
in turn
baffling words
don’t know when
or where’s now
who cares
what how
It seems it’s
always been
this way
as long as
I’m here
to stay,
I have to
Then ask
is somebody,
anybody
present?

Not particularly
slouched perception
of reality
given, gone
to gravity
that
no one can
uphold
But come and go
no matter what
the story told
doesn’t change
the puppet show
nothing here
to heat or hold
Yet you can
almost see
the seams
the strings
like pixels
on the
bloody
screen

Broadcasting
noisy days
of whores and wars
Profits tend the
flocks and herds
who always
Beg for more
Fuck me!
Fuck you?
They say that too
on repeat now
and forever,
Past unhearing ears,
beyond imprints
of cosmic fear,
what would anyone
in a few short years
care to even
remember?

Anything at all?
The grass was green,
the buildings tall
Wake up
Wake up
Paved dreams
as far as the eye
can wonder

Who were they?
Why were they like that?
Who am I?

Fossils
Fragments
Embodying
our god
Lost in layers
Forgot the cause
A spider man
noble and true,
he saved me
and he can save you
and all the
good people
of NYC
They say
he sailed
with the winds
like insects
on the breeze
just as
winter
come to freeze
over the rest
of the children

Sleight of hand
with twisted knuckle
Gaslit tin cans
young minds buckle
break, snap
icy crack
And chuckle
broken, choking
suns
and daughters
content forfeit
muses slaughtered
nuked and smeared
imagination
ripped from all
New Years
Inched
to edge
afoot, all fears
Manufactured
through the
tears
Mankind
by the neck
Not a
Question
Aion’s shadow
suffer & strife
they say now
they got it right
Or at least they will
come next time

Veritable
redundancy
from past
to eternity
Deeper asleep
the more
we scream
A dreadful
sort of destiny
Paradise
milk and pharmacies
As far as the mind
can pretend
it’s free
Manifest
inevitability
the blood will
spill and flow
like no one’s
seen or known
The future
a vision
to behold

Hands up
inheritance
thumbing down
the reptile bends
evolving into
primate friends
forever
and ever
our means
our end
No good
or gods
can survive
our timely
squander
pain to tend
minds to wander
the death
of minutes
this death
of ours
gone to all
a man
and
more

R.I.P.
The past
exempt
from memory
Kept alive
on drip I.V.
myth is cheap
delusion free
For all this
future rotten
branching tree
Endless carbon
larceny
vestigial minds
to break and take
but gone
is our
handy tale

Of which
We swap and curse
And spit, switch
This fever pitch
changes with
the season
Gone insane
chasing reason
off the
cliff of
Nothingness
Secrets macabre
to confess
vivisection of
eustress
And husk remains
to explain itself away

But the other
side of awake
a supposed
reflection of sapience
to those existing
in the mirror
might recompense
Some imagination
of infinity
Banged out theories
of cosmic Singularities
Against abyss
to which
a self confess
is who or what
contrast to nothingness?
More names and numbers
any sane animal
obviously and
actually knows
(and of course, and you’re the stupid one)

Or it goes,

From no thing
came some thing
Of course we
clearly see
visions in a skull
simply called
reality
Exist for a spot
then you don’t
Some will it fierce
Some can’t or won’t
From two comes one
and one comes too
eye to eye
See through
and threw
Measured in
staggering
metrics

After all,
nothing else here
subscribes
or can pronounce
“Pound of flesh”
ounce for ounce
Surely a jest
No
just count
It out

Zero
Me
You
Too?
One
Done
None
other
animal
can derive
the sum
or divide
the whole of those
whom try to see
or make believe
with simian
ingenuity
The trees here
bare of leaves
shit smeared
where we
sleep and breathe
painted paws
grasping
starry sky
projection screen
Real to what,
or whom?
Or just you
And me?
our
shadows unseen
below so above
sights obscene
An I for an I
a me for a me
Buried in “truth”
in all that we do
there is no you
the lights are off
the flesh is rued
None are home
all are dead
Psychology of an
empty head
A story
once true
is false
and false
now true
On it goes
cuz from one
comes two

Which is
not to say
we’re not sentient
Just what’s lost
is sentiment
And as humor
Goes to shit
the joke is
that’s what
splits it all
right in two

for unity
is a crime
to confess
we love hate
our hates
the best
Unconditionally
full of shit
means never
ever
a moment’s
rest
from
her, him
them,
me and
you
smash
together
one into one
from two
No need to think
it’s just what
animals do
pretending
to live
outside
the zoo
someone forgive
who says what and
what says whom
Now gone
to earth
such
time
as great man
never
returns
spiting
smiting
desperate
reveries
of ghostly
sorts of
certainty
gone now
but heard
and herd
as echo
through
the ages

Fictitious
fragments
of a real
phenomenon
seeing god’s
guts burst out
across the
milky way
-the views!

Splendor
Grandeur
Impressions
Unknown
You hope
You see
Your will
You won’t
How do you feel
illusion it’s called
But the pain
the fear
is oh so real
You can see it
in the loudness
of an animal's
eyes
They don’t lie
only crucify
their gods
pinned
in the sky
But prey
deserves
it’s lot,
Or so
the
story's
told

A dream
beyond dreams
that requires
no questions
No point needed
We heed
no lessons
Life never
needs logic
Or a reason
The story
writes itself
with the seasons
a tale told by
its idiot self
sound and fury
on a dusty shelf

Flies in eyes
Pain on sunny days,
Happiness is madness
Have it your way

Ring, ring
beep, boop
Dropped call
closed down mall
People laughing
before and after
our universe
torn asunder
Right is left
and up
is not over
down is not
the same as under
Mutant from mud
on ground and wall
This ape stands up
and speaks tales tall
no place lower
left to "fall"
Into red roses
and bruises blue,
I think I know me and
I know I know you
Because obviously
from one comes two
THE END

Pavianin race:
Creature type: humanoid
Ability Score Increase: -Dexterity: +2
Size: You are Medium or Small. You choose the size when you select this race.
Speed: Your walking speed is 30 feet, and you have a climbing speed equal to your walking speed.
Dexterous Feet: As a bonus action, you can use your feet to manipulate an object, open or close a door or container, or pick up or set down a tiny object.
Baboon’s fang: You can use your fangs as natural weapons. When you hit with them, they deal 1d6 + your Dexterity modifier piercing damage.
Sub races:
Mountain Pavianin:
Ability Score Increase: -Strength: +1
Powerful build: You count as one size larger when determining your carrying capacity and the weight you can push, drag, or lift.
Ferocious: You are proficient in intimidation
Intimidation tactics: As an action, you fold your upper lip back revealing your red gums and large fangs you gain advantage on intimidation checks, you can keep this facial expression for 1 minute, until you die, or until you revert to your normal appearance as a bonus action. When like this you have a -2 to your Armor Class but you fang do 1d8 instead of 1d6. Any creature you bite and that see you must succeed on a Wisdom saving throw or become frightened of you until the end of your next turn. The DC of the save equals 8 + your proficiency bonus + your Charisma modifier. You can use this trait a number of times equal to half your proficiency bonus per long rest but regain 1 use on a short rest.
Jungle Pavianin:
Ability Score Increase: -Wisdom: +1
Speed: Your walking speed is 35 feet, and you have a climb equal to your walking speed.
Prehensile Tail: Jungle Pavianin have adapted to have a long, flexible tail that the Pavianin can use to pick up or carry objects. The Pavianin cannot wield weapons with the tail, but it allows them to pick up a small, unattended object or retrieve a stowed object carried on their person as a bonus action.
Natural Nimbleness: You are proficient in acrobatics
Spooked reactions: You have honed your reflexes to survive in the jungle. You can move up to 10 feet as a reaction when an enemy ends its turn within 5 feet of you. This reactive movement doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks. You can use this trait a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus per long rest. You can also expand 1 use of spooked reactions to gain advantage on a dexterity of an effect you can see as a reaction.
City Pavianin:
Ability Score Increase: -Intelligence: +1
Dimensional grasp: You can reach through dimensions and have your hand come out anywhere you can see within 30ft this works like mage hand. You can concentrate on this indefinitely but if you break concentration, you can’t use the feature again until you take a short or long rest.
Arcane understanding: You are proficient in arcana
Pavianin magic: You know the prestidigitation cantrip. When you reach 3rd level, you can cast the spell silent image once with this trait and regain the ability to do so when you finish a long rest. When you reach 5th level, you can cast the knock spell once with this trait and regain the ability to do so when you finish a long rest. Intelligence is your spellcasting ability for these spells.

I’m a fucking wreck today.
I distracted myself as much as possible, as I’m usually amazing at doing. My schedule is jam-packed, which I will usually complain about to seem somewhat normal. “Ugh, I have so much to do this week…” as if I didn’t plan every single thing.
It’s harder to feel down when you’re always on the go. When you look good, when you stay in the gym, when you surround yourself with friends and family, when you work your ass off… at least that’s what I’ve always told myself. That’s what works for me.
Usually works. About once a month or so, my feelings catch up. It doesn’t matter where I’m at or what I’m doing – they’ll catch up. Suddenly I’m overwhelmed and I cry. Female rage consumes me and I scream in the car. I’ll try to push through when I get where I need to be – sometimes it’s work, sometimes it’s running errands. Today it was the gym. But my energy leaves me high and dry.
My bright aura is no longer with me and I’m numb. My eyes that were once filled with tears are now narrow. I cut my day short and I get back into my car because when my energy leaves me, I listen to my body and my soul. I need a minute to sulk. My drive home that is normally a full-blown concert is now silence, and it’s never been louder.
I run a hot shower when I get home in which I sit down and cry. I bury my head into my knees and I hug my legs until I feel ashamed because I live a privileged life. I dry off and before I put on any clothes, I go to the kitchen and pour a glass of red wine. Priorities. Just one glass, I say.
I cook myself a nice dinner. Nothing cures sadness like self care, wine, and a good TikTok binge, right? Tonight it was loaded baked potato soup – and it was incredible. The wine was also incredible. So incredible that one glass turned into two.
I layed out on the couch and laughed my ass off at TikToks. Temporarily, I was happy. Then I got a text from someone I really don’t even talk to – “I know what you’re going through. I’m here if you need anything.” Suddenly I’m overwhelmed again – I’m grateful and I’m sad. Grateful because I am lucky enough to always have people in my corner, but sad because somehow I still always feel alone. I think it’s an immediate response because no matter how many times people have said that, I always go through it alone.
My mom is never there, my friends are never there, my dad is never there. I feel like since I was eighteen years old, the only person that has ever truly looked out for me is me. The only being that has ever been there for me since then is my dog. So my immediate response is, I’m alone in this.
Granted, I love my parents and my family and my friends. They’re there in the good times, and they make the good times so much better. Most don’t know about these times, except for my mom. I’ll call my mom occasionally, only to be disappointed that it never makes me feel better. Worse actually. It’s never her fault, we just don’t connect like that. We never have for as long as I can remember. I always make the mistake of thinking that one day, we can get on that level. My delusion often results in disappointment.
One glass turns into a hefty three and suddenly I’m writing. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and I feel better now. I feel numb again. My feelings have left me high and dry as I type and I drink. Tomorrow I’ll wake up early, put on a pretty ass outfit, do my makeup, and act like this never happened. I’ll make my matcha and romanticize the fuck out of my life.
I make it seem like I’m doing great, like my life is perfect. But once a month, I remember that I am 26 years old and I’m alone. No matter how much I travel, no matter how much I spend, no matter how good I look, there’s this overwhelming feeling that consumes me at least once a month. I cry so hard I fall to my knees, I laugh maniacally, I drink myself to sleep, and then I wake up in the morning like everything is okay. Because it is. It’s just a monthly wreck.

33M, caucasian, non-smoker, social drinker, history of SVT with overall low risk factors. Currently taking Pantapropozole, Carvidolol, Multivitamin, Iron, Miralax. I'll attempt to make this short-winded and hope this counts as appropriate for this subreddit!. Around ~August 2023, I suddenly started having random spikes/drops in my sugar levels, as well as fatigue and notable weight loss (40 pounds over 4 1/2 months). My previous PCP started the workup and over the next ~3 months, I was in and out of hospital admissions/countless doctor visits. Over this time I started to develop more symptoms, most notably night sweats, increasing GI issues, and worsening fatigue/tiredness.
Because the symptoms were mostly non-specific, I had pretty broad, general workups with few things off (my hemoglobin dropped several points in November then slowly recouped back to 15.5. Saw a hematologist and he basically just said "you had a bleed, it clotted off and now you're recovering. If it drops again come back to me"). Full body CT w/contrast, MRI of spine/brain, colonoscopy/endoscopy, spinal tap, echo, CPX, countless blood tests which I would fail to mention all of, but including endocrine/rheumatological and autoimmune markers, as well as viral potential causes.
At some point in December my gp basically threw his hands up and said "we don't have anything to work with, the few abnormal things are recovering". Fast forward to February, I end up in the ER with severe nausea and a dull pain below my lower left rib cage. They do a repeat CT and mention that my spleen is still "minimally enlarged" but there are no noticable masses, and my liver is "no longer slightly enlarged". These are two things I was never told about, I suppose because they felt they weren't significant enough? But made me realize I needed another opinion/better guidance. The radiologist also noted on the report that I had "mild haziness near the mesenteric root of the pancreas level", but "pancreas unremarkable otherwise" as well as normal lymph nodes in the area. He recommended checking for pancreatitis and/or mesenteritis.
I go into a new GP in March. She's fantastic - extremely thorough and importantly doesn't immediately try to blame this all on the easy things. She gets me into GI and hematology (had another GI doctor but she wanted me to get another opinion, as the old one basically said your colonoscopy/egd are normal, come back in 7 years). Hematology came first, and he basically said objectively, you acutely then chronically bled, used up all your iron stores which caused excess fatigue (fatigue/tiredness is still a primary issue for me but is substantially better than a month ago when I started iron supplementation) and now you're recouping. We can do a bone marrow biopsy or a PET scan, but I can tell you what they will show: nothing. I asked about the spleen/livemesentery involvement and he just said "your blood work and scans show no sign of a mass, if malignancy were making you this symptomatic, it would be more obvious and you wouldn't have seen any improvement. In addition your liver has reduced in size and your spleen is still barely enlarged with no signs of mass, malignancy doesn't act this way".
I leave the visit at least more optimistic about the situation, but still feeling awful and like this is some type of GI related malignancy that's killing me, frankly. (As a side note, symptoms became so problematic that I had to stop working full time which has obviously been another stresser during all of this).
Then the GI visit comes (about 2 weeks ago now at this point). We go over everything and he just basically says "let's skip the MRI and go for a pillcam to get a closer look at your small intestines, and an endoscopic ultrasound to take a closer look at your pancreas and this inflamed part of your mesentery". Sounds great to me! I know people go years looking for a diagnosis sometimes, but the last 8 months have been the most exhausting/stressful/longest of my life and he seemed adamant about getting to the bottom of this.
Here's where my concern/question comes in: back in December in my last hospital admission, the hospitalist asked what I thought this may be. I pretty quickly said PC, because of the way things progressed and the initial, non-specific symptoms + sugar issues (which seem to have mostly gotten better? I've also regained 30 pounds since, which is a "good" sign I know). He kind of laughed and just said "your pancreas has been imaged and looked at twice by two separate radiologists and neither saw anything to worry about" (this was before the February scan showing mesentery involvement). I kind of gave up on that idea/worry for a long time because of the assured way he answered my concern over it, but now I've got it in my head that that's what has been the culprit all this time and have been told CT's miss signs of PC pretty frequently, and the mesentery/spleen findings are a result of pancreatic tail or body involvement that's spread, which the GI did mention it was unlikely to be in the head as you'd almost certainly see bile duct involvement/jaundice evidence at this point, or the classic pale/clay stools, which I haven't had.
I know there is pretty strong evidence to this point to suggest it isn't a pancreatic tumor, given 3 contrast CT's now over 9 months with no sign of it, improvement in some symptoms (night sweats are virtually gone, fatigue is significantly better), some of the more obvious/common symptoms not being there, like the stool/jaundice, but instinctively this just feels like the right place to look. I'm not terrified of a diagnosis at this point, but I'm absolutely mortified that this is going to get worse before I have the chance to even figure out what it is because of the things that have continued to worsen (nausea/malaise in the morning especially, tiredness/dyspnea... Well, the dyspnea has improved since the iron supplementation as well, but considering I could get up and run five miles 9 months ago and now a small flight of stairs whip me...). The idea of losing ~6 months of valuable time if I'd pushed this concern harder back in December is also a hard pill to swallow. Speaking of, the pillcam is Thursday, and the EUS is the 28th. I tried to move it up but they are booked out (I feel like I they suspected pancreatic cancer they would have got me in sooner as well) and I don't want to push it anymore in the case that it isn't that, and I potentially take someone's spot that needs it before I do. I guess I'm asking for someone to talk me off this ledge and trust that something obvious wasn't missed, or even recommend I continue to push this as maybe it sounds like a familiar situation someone has witnessed in the past where it ended up being something like PC. I think I've mentally accepted almost every potential outcome of this situation except for that one, which likely has to do with me being intimately familiar with what it looked like in the end for a friend.
That was... Long-winded. Sorry, I tried haha. I wish you all the best of health moving forward!

Hello, first time here.
To make long story short, I finished my MSc back in the end of 2017. I stayed in college for a few months as an unofficial lab assistant while we waited on some new funding that would open a proper spot for me to work, but unfortunately that did not happen. By 2018 I had to return home to assist with care for my elderly grandmother, while also working at my family's restaurant to help. Then the pandemic happened and months turned to years as we struggled to make it through.
Back to the present, I have growing feelings of unfulfillment regarding the career I left behind. I'd like to find a way to get back to it, but I'm feeling uncertain about it. I didn't get much experience at all once I finished my MSc and as a result my CV is unimpressive. I have also lost contact with the people I worked with back then, so I have no one I can personally ask about all this.
Does anyone here have any recommendations or pointers on how I could go back to my career or at least make good use of my education? Is there any actual hope for someone like me, with so little work experience and with a huge gap in his CV? Would trying to apply to entry level Lab Assistant positions be my best choice?
I appreciate any advice you may have to share with me. Thank you.

Hello all, I'm never really sure how to start these. Generally I keep everything in so this is new. Please forgive my rambling, I'm kind of just doing a stream of consciousness right now. I should get to the point though, right? Okay, so a bit of background, I've been dating this girl for about 4 years now. I'm definitely light, I was underweight for a few years at the start but with a change in work environment and going to the gym more frequently over the past year or so, I've started to get a fairly okay physique. This is relevant because my girlfriend has been the opposite. When we started dating she was a bit overweight but was still able to do things like hiking, skating, jogging, stuff like that. It was fine but after a year or two she focused more on sedentary things which led to a lot more weight gain. She's been talking about how she wants to lose weight and that it really bothers her. She's no longer able to walk long distances, hike, she can't run anymore, she has put on a lot of weight. Around October of last year we made a plan to expedite our fitness so that she can get back to a comfortable weight and I can more quickly fix some of my joint issues. She was active for about 2 weeks and lost about 3 pounds doing so. Since then she's stopped. Gained another 20, and cries to me that she's gaining weight again. I don't know what more i can do for her, we've tried short and long term goals after weightloss milestones. Weve tried exercising together, I've tried cheering her on as she diets and tries new exercises, but recently I'vefelt more resent because i feel likeI've exhausted everything I can do to encourage her to feel good in her body but she won't put in the consistent effort to do it. When she complains about it now I feel I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying anything because I no longer know what I can do.

FUCK you. I quit the game before finishing chewing you out. 4 of us drop on lvl9 on penta and immediately are next to 2 jammers and an artillery. What do these geniuses do? Leave me to solo both while they burn 75% of our lives on the fucking artillery. I suggest they move on which they agree, and never make it more than 200m from the artillery. I solo the WHOLE MAP. had probably 25-30 samples on me.
The final objective is the opposite side of the map and literally all that’s left is to blow up the research center. They finally make it to the extract and I’m thinking cool. At least they’re gonna call it in and it’ll be there by the time I arrive.
Nope.
I’m halfway running back to extract when it lands. I probably have another 200m to run, idk like another 30s max before I get there. The fucking muppets leave without me. Mind you these are all 50+ rank.
Long story short, if this is you, please never procreate.

I was just wondering if I have any options legally speaking. I have MS and disclosed it when I was hired and in the interviewing process, I gave my employer a doctors note and April 2023 for an accommodation request for a new chair because of the one I had making my legs fall asleep and causing back and neck issues that I believe drastically affected my performance and concentration. After months of asking, I was finally told in NOVEMBER 2023 that I needed a more specific note detailing exactly what kind of chair I need so long story short it took eight months for my accommodation request to be granted and for me to get a new chair. Now I’m being singled out and on a two week performance review where my employment will be determined at the end of the two weeks. I’m just wondering as far as the accommodation request asking for a second note 6 months later is egregious in a sense and if I should file an anonymous complaint with the EEOC?

I'm almost 40 years old. I am disabled and, yes, I live with my mom.. but since my dad died, and since she had a stroke a year ago, her obsession? over my life has gotten way out of control. I love my mom... but I'm tired of her bullshit.
I am poly and started a new relationship a month ago (with someone I've known for 25 years). Shortly after that, I ended my 12-year relationship with my (now ex)boyfriend. The two things had nothing to do with each other, and yes I probably should have waited some time between them - but if I didn't break up with him then, I would have lost my nerve and it wouldn't have happened. He's a good guy, in general, and I want to remain his friend - but he was disrespectful to me and I just wasn't happy. We were 7,000 miles apart and in 12 years, had seen each other in person 3 times. It was just too expensive. He didn't respect my pronouns or gender identity, any time I tried to bring up that I'm agender, he would respond "I'm a straight guy" - great, good for you, I'm not a girl. He liked to annoy me to the point of me blowing-up in anger. He thought it was hilarious.
So I'm better off not dating him. And I've explained all this to my mom (her responses included denying my gender identity). In all honesty, I think probably the biggest problem is that my ex-boyfriend is a lot like my dad.. and my dad died 2 years ago. I think mom saw her own relationship in ours.
She is still pissed off at me, thinks my new date-mate is to blame (they're not)... Today she went behind my back to message my best friend and ask her questions, because I purchased plane tickets to go visit said best friend and, while there, go see my date-mate as well a few states over. My uncle helped me purchase the plane tickets, and mom believes I lied to him to get him to help me. I didn't.
She talked to my brother today, and he had to tell her to not go behind my back and try to talk to my date-mate's parents.
I'm fucking embarrassed at her behavior.

Reddit, please help! Lately I'm always feeling like a failure. My partner (29 M) supports me in my self care & work & hobbies & loves to boost me up so much, but he also frequently tells me things I've done wrong. I'd always rather he be honest about his feelings, but i feel like it's very frequent and isn't resolved briefly either. Something comes up at least twice a month where he says he doesn't feel listened to or valued or "like a partner" in our relationship and things blow up. This has happened for 3 months now. I have tried really hard to fix previous tangible concerns like letting him know when I'll be away from my phone for a while or making changes to not be late to things. We have had some really good strides where I've been able to tell him sorry for things I say that sound inconsiderate asap and asking what he means about things to avoid miscommunications. But somehow the last 48 hours have been a nightmare even with my growth and progress. I'm sorry this post is lengthy but I'll try my best to explain the most recent example
Sunday my bf slept through his brother coming to visit on accident. He woke up and texted me and said he was spiraling a bit about feeling bad about it and would be okay but just needed a "5" to show him I was there. (this is supposed to be a call back to us saying I love you 5 ever in the past)
I didn't see his text for 30 minutes and then told him l was soo sorry I didn't see this sooner and that I was really sorry he slept through his alarm and missed that, but his body must have needed rest. He said it's okay, it's just my brother.
We spoke for 40 minutes about mothers day and other stuff and then he said "hey you never sent a 5" and I said "oh shoot, 5". It then was shared that it really upset him that I hadn't read and replied to that part of his text. It made him feel not listened to, he said, that I chose to reply how I wanted instead of doing what he asked for. I apologized and also said sorry I didn't say a 5 sooner and that I wish I had seen his text and sent a 5 right away. He got upset that I was apologizing for not texting him right away. He said apologizing for the thing he's not even upset about (not replying for 30 minutes) takes away his agency and takes away from him feeling heard.
He then explained it wasn't fully about the 5 - it was that it hurt that I didn't ask more about his feelings and just changed the topic after he said "it's okay". I think sometimes I forget people say "it's okay" to try to be strong when really they want to talk about their feelings. He emphasized he wished I had asked about his feelings and I said I definitely should have and need to be better about asking more follow up if he opens up and says he's spiraling.
I apologized a ton Sunday night and called him and cried to him on the phone about how much I cared and how much I didn't want to hurt him. He told me it was going to be okay and he even told me he felt loved and cared about. He showed appreciation when I took accountability and I said things like "I totally see how it made you feel not heard that I didnt do a small thing you asked for" and "I really should have followed up by asking more about your feelings or why you were spiraling".
Monday he got upset again once he woke up and said I was defensive yesterday and it hurt and that I talk at him and not with him (I did get defensive a bit by saying things like "I didn't know you weren't still okay and I took it at face value when you said you were okay" or saying "I told you I know I messed up and I shouldn't have ignored you opening up to me" when he brought up again how hurt he felt. But sometimes he repeated how hurt he was and how he wished I would hold myself accountable. So I would at times get defensive by saying "well I tried telling you that I'm sorry I ____"
I didn't know what to keep saying besides sorry and that I messed up. I tried keeping my answers brief after he said i was making things about myself (being emotional in my guilt) because i didnt want to risk monopolizing the conversation. Then he told me I really hurt him because he shared 2 paragraphs about how hurt he was and I gave a 10 word answer. I apologized multiple times for my 10 word answer. I said I only kept it short to keep the focus on him. He said it felt like I wasn't even trying. I tried asking what else he needs or what I could do to help and he told me I'm just Asking "out of self preservation". Then when I said I wish I knew what I could do to help he said "did you ask". Three different times when I said I wish I could make him feel better or things like I am trying to give thoughtful answers he would say "did you ask" and then I would say "ask what?" And get frustrated when he didn't give me a straight answer. When I got upset for not getting an answer to my question, he said I was making it about me again.
At some point he asked for examples of me asking accountability. I sent screenshots of when I said I messed up and hurt him and I should've done differently and he got upset and said "those are from yesterday and don't impact how I feel today". I tried taking accountability again today in multiple sentences. He seemed grateful that I did and was glad to hear me list the things I messed up and take the blame for. But then when I brought up something i was hoping we could still do (a surprise party for him) he got really upset and said I was only thinking about what I wanted (to see him and get him to the surpise) instead of what he wanted (to not go out). This led to him skipping his own surprise party today. We haven't had a conversation since he skipped it.
A chunk of yesterdays convo, word for word: M: "I felt so small when you gave me a 10 word response I felt like I didn't explain enough or wasn't good enough . And to not really have a response, it hurt me so bad."
F: "I'm sorry for hurting you so much and giving so small of a response. I'm really sorry for the things I did to make you feel small."
M: "thats not what I'm worried about or bothers me"
F: "What are you worried about or bothered by? You shared it Made you feel small when I sent a 10 word response, so I thought that was a part of the problem."
M: "Not really related and makes me feel worse about getting the love I need/want"
F: "i don't understand. You brought up how much hurt you and how low it made you feel, how is it not related?"
M: "Did you ask?"
F: "I'm asking now"
M: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you being hurt negated everything I've felt?"
F: "What? Where did I say I'm hurt?"
M: "You're asking a question so you could feel good or secure but I dont feel I'm afforded the same"
A convo chunk from today:
M: i spend so much energy and get so little in return. When I reach out and ask for help everything gets focused on how you felt. When do I matter?
F: I'm sorry. I hope you can get to feel like you matter now. I have been trying to do what you need and put very little focus on myself and I'll keep trying
M: If you can't try or listen to what I'm saying or asking for just leave me alone and make this whole situation easier. I'm exhausted and tired from giving you grace and somehow things always focus back on you.
_--- Then In several texts asked him if he explain how things kept coming back to me and he said the focus just keeps coming back to me.because I won't take accountability. He is embarrassed and doesn't feel good enough. Because I don't show him support when he needs it and don't show i care in the ways he wants or needs the way he supports me when I'm low.
F; I'm sorry and I wish I had afforded you the same. I'm trying to give thoughtful answers, sorry if they have to be short because I'm at work. Can you explain how you feel like the focus has been coming back to me in today's convo. M: did you ask? F: ask what? M: dude we aren't doing this again F: dude I asked for clarification becuase I don't get your question M: It's not about you. I don't think you're ready or capable of loving me the way I want or need. I feel like I've given you grace and afforded you the space to make or acknowledge mistakes. I can't keep begging to be heard and feel like I'm overreacting or misunderstood. It's fine to ask for clarification, but when you do it hijacks the conversation and we never revist what I said.
F: because I don't get an answer so it's hard to revisit the topic when I'm still confused
M: I'm sorry , I didn't realize that me spiraling or being in a bad place was only continued because you didn't get a response. This isn't about you.
I want to get him to couples therapy because I care about him SO much and he has a really big heart and a good soul. But once he feels hurt, it's like he's stuck being the victim and can't see how horribly irrational our conversations are going. I am not perfect at conflict either - I get defensive if he keeps talking about being hurt, and I end up crying a lot to him about how bad I feel for hurting, and sometimes he has to help me calm me down from my intense crying over the problem I caused, which is draining for him. But I think at least in this case he is really stuck in a victim complex where he isnt doing any wrong and I'm not doing much right to him. I genuinely feel like therapy could really help, I want to support him, but I'm nervous to just outright ask for it. What do I do? How could I ease into the topic?
TL;DR: Although I have tried to be very patient and take accountability there are a lot of things I do that hurt my boyfriend. I have worked on improve some concrete things but our most recent conflict (detailed above) has me feeling anxious and lost because I try taking accountability throughout but he is still upset no matter what I say. I don't think he knows how to handle conflict and I'm not perfect at it either but i am very willing to name everything I do wrong and try to change it. I want to suggest couples therapy so he can see we can both do better. Not sure how.

Hello everybody. I’m making this post because I’ve been feeling pretty lost these past few months. I would like some guidance or recommendations as to what I should possibly do career wise given my current situation.
I’ll start if by stating that when I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer as I had a lot of passion for the field and I was an amazing debater. However, due to family pressure (that still continues to this day), I was put off the field and told that “I would never be able to get a job apart from being a secretary”. To add to this, I was pressured to become a doctor and study medicine (something that I did not want to do). The resulting predicament was that I lost my identity because where once I was excellent at English and languages and public speaking, I was pushed into the sciences. I did well in biology and chemistry but it wasn’t my passion.
Then, I attended university where the plan was to go into medicine. I had no idea what I was doing so when a family member recommended me to major in Microbiology, i gladly obliged. I HATED by time studying the degree and greatly dreaded labs. I would have panic attack after panic attack and I hated lab work.
Then came graduation and I thought “you know what I hate working in a lab let me figure out something else to do”. Because of my background in microbiology, I had taken some public health papers and the field kind of interested me but I wasn’t so familiar about it. I went to grad school and majored in public health. I graduated and worked for 6 months for my local district health board. However, I was not in the best place mentally and ended up at the doctors and I had to resign from my position. I had severe mental health issues.
Then, I decided to say screw it and I went back to university and worked part time to support myself. I studied for a year towards and English literature post graduate degree and I graduated with honors. When I graduated I couldn’t find a job so I’ve been in sales for the last 9 months.
I hate my job and I want to change careers. I want to have a good job. But I don’t know who I am and what I should do. I thought maybe teaching but hearing people’s short or stories has scared me. I have a passion to explain and help people understand processes. I can teach subjects like English, history, biology, and chemistry. I was thinking perhaps combining education with my passion for reducing inequities (I learnt a lot of the process used to reduce inequities in public health) in vulnerable populations. But I don’t know. I’m feeling very depressed and would like some further information. Do you think educational policy would be for me?
Can somebody kindly suggest what the heck I should do so I don’t feel like a burden and failure?

Hey all. Seven years ago I discovered what a hemorrhoid was and probably had at least 5 banding procedures. About a year or so ago I started getting hemorrhoids that came out with bowel movements but if I stretched a certain way I would feel them go back in. More recently though, they stopped going in on their own and I would need to push them back in.
A little over three weeks ago after pushing them back in I got off the toilet and saw the water was a color you never want to see unless you've been eating beets. Starting that day I started getting at least 30 minutes of exercise, upping my fiber intake mostly through whole foods but also adding supplements, drinking at least 120 ounces a water a day, and most importantly, only using the toilet when I absolutely felt the urge which drastically limited my amount of time in the bathroom. Things got better for a day but then next day and the day after that, every bowel movement, no matter how effortless and quick it was, resulted in the water changing color.
Long story short, it was finally yesterday that my GI was able to see me and after I described my symptoms, and he examined me, he was a bit surprised to not see a "smoking gun". He said I had 3 hemorrhoids but they weren't as bad as he was expecting given the symptoms I had. Still, he banded the one he thought was the culprit and I went home practically dancing, thinking that my problem was finally over.
Well, today I had my first bowel movement since the procedure and things appeared the same, which was a bit of a bummer. That said, for anyone who had the same symptoms of bleeding with every bowel movement, and had banding done, were the results immediate or did you have to give it the full 7-10 days to see results? I left a message with his office but they haven't gotten back to me so I guess I'm just looking for a little hope. Thanks!

My Vyvanse works great, absolutely. At one point I was on five psychiatric meds, and now I am down to just this one. I've made a lot of progress.
But the thing is, I feel like at some point I should reach some level where I don't need it. I frankly have all the success I could possibly want at this point in my life and lots of great management skills. However, I can still feel in the morning when I don't take it, I am very unproductive and lazy and hungry on days I don't take it, etc.
I get that, well, I have a disorder, but isn't the point of these medications supposed to be that they are short term, get you back on your feet, and eventually you just don't need them anymore? That's what happened with every other psychiatric medication that I took, but it feels like not this one. The shortage is frustrating, the process for maintaining a prescription for a controlled substance is annoying, and I want to be able to get pregnant one day.
My psychiatrist really doesn't give me a lot of actual ADHD advice, and I don't expect her to. I mean, my medication works and does its job and I'm not really addicted because there are days I forget, so as far as she is concerned, I'm doing just fine. She would call me crazy for wanting to come off it. And I know my dosage is right, because any lower and I have massive cravings and it does not last the whole day.
But I am wondering what y'all have experienced. How did you eventually not need this medication? What does the process of getting there even look like? How can I just one day get to the point of not needing Vyvanse like I did with antidepressants or other psychiatric meds? I've been on Vyvanse almost 2 years with no change and that would be the longest I have been on a psychiatric medication with no improvements.

3.0. THE THIRD BUDDHIST COUNCIL:

Venerable Moggaliputta Tissa Thera led the 3rd Buddhist Council of Theravada School. That was not a schism as the outsiders were not the true members of the Sangha. However, the king supported them like the members of the Sangha.

Because it helped promote tolerance and mutual respect, Asoka desired that people should be well-learned (bahu sruta) in the good doctrines (kalanagama) of other people's religions. [The Edicts of King Asokaan, English rendering by Ven. S. Dhammika © 1994]

King Asoka was supporting everyone who claimed he belonged to the Dhamma-Vinaya community (the Sangha) established by the Sakyamuni. However, they did not join the Dhamma-Vinaya community, nor know, nor care the Buddha's teaching.
Venerable Moggaliputta Tissa Thera determined that "the Vibhajjavāda alone contained the teaching of the Buddha."

Rest of the monks who were true believers, told about the doctrine of the Buddha, that it was Vibhajjavāda i.e. the religion of analytical reasoning. This answer was supported by Moggaliputta-Tissa who was present there. He told that the Buddha was Vibhajjavādin (analyser). The Thera was made the gurdian of the Order. To purify the Sangha, the king requested to hold the Uposatha ceremony.

Uposatha

uposatha : [m.] Sabbath day; observance of 8 precepts; biweekly recitation of the Vinaya rules by a chapter of Buddhist monks.
Mūḷuposatha sutta (AN 3.70), (Bhikkhu Bodhi)

“There are, Visākhā, three kinds of uposatha. What three? The cowherds’ uposatha, the Nigaṇṭhas’ uposatha, and the noble ones’ uposatha [...] (3) “And how, Visākhā, is the noble ones’ uposatha observed? The defiled mind is cleansed by exertion. And how is the defiled mind cleansed by exertion?

The mentioned uposatha ceremony is for the monks to recite the Vinaya rules. It cannot be observed with the participation of the public, including the monks (and priests) from other religions.

[Uposatha (Thanissaro Bhikkhu)] The monastic observance may be held in one of four ways, depending on the size of the Community in a particular territory: If four bhikkhus or more, they meet for a recitation of the Pāṭimokkha; if three, they declare their mutual purity to one another; if two, they declare their purity to each other; if one, he marks the day by determining it as his uposatha. In addition to these regular observance days, the Buddha gave permission for a Community to recite the Pāṭimokkha only on one other occasion: when unity has been reestablished in the Community. This, the Commentary says, refers only to occasions when a major dispute in the Community has been settled (such as a schism—see Chapter 21), and not to occasions when the uposatha has been suspended for minor reasons. Thus there are two occasions on which the bhikkhus are allowed to meet for the uposatha: the last day of the lunar fortnight and the day for reestablishing unity.

The public uposatha is open to everyone, including non-Buddhists. The participants are expected to observe a set of uposatha sīla, either 8, 9 or 10 (aṭṭha-sīla, navanga-sīla or dasa-sīla).
uposathika : [adj.] one who observes [uposatha] precepts.

Aṭṭha-sīla 8 (Uposatha, Uposatha-sīla): 6. Vikālabhojanā veramaṇī； 7. Naccagītavāditavisūkadassanā mālāgandhavilepanadhāraṇamaṇanavibhūsanaṭṭhānā veramaṇī； 8. Uccāsayanamahāsayanā veramaṇī;

On the basis of not-Dhamma as ‘Dhamma’… Dhamma as ‘not-Dhamma’… not-Vinaya as ‘Vinaya’… Vinaya as ‘not-Vinaya’, Emperor Asoka expelled the non-Vibhajjavādis who could not observe the uposatha, including the Sarvāstivādis, from the Sangha.

[Schism (Thanissaro Bhikkhu)] Ven. Upāli: “‘A split in the Community, a split in the Community (saṅgha-bheda)’ it is said. To what extent is the Community split?” The Buddha: “There is the case where they explain not-Dhamma as ‘Dhamma’… Dhamma as ‘not-Dhamma’… not-Vinaya as ‘Vinaya’… Vinaya as ‘not-Vinaya’… [...] a light offense as ‘a heavy offense’… a heavy offense as ‘a light offense’… an offense leaving a remainder as ‘an offense leaving no remainder’… an offense leaving no remainder as ‘an offense leaving a remainder’… a serious offense as ‘a not-serious offense’… a not-serious offense as ‘a serious offense.’ On the basis of these eighteen grounds they pull away, pull apart, they perform a separate uposatha, perform a separate Invitation, perform a separate Community transaction. To this extent the Community is split.”—Cv.VII.5.2

Devadatta caused the first schism on the basic of Vinaya rules. The Vajjian monks caused the second schism on the same ground. The Sangha established by the Sakyamuni was attacked several times from within.

Vibhajjavādi Dhamma Missions

Emperor Asoka sent forth nine missionaries to nine different countries to propagate the religion of the Buddha and crowned it with success... also the Bhikkuni Sangha in Aparantaka, Suvannabhumi and Ceylon.

Emperor Asoka sent his son and daughter, Arahant Maha Mahinda Thera and Arahant Sanghamitta Theri, to Sri Lanka, where the events of the 3rd Buddhist Council were recorded.
"Arahant Mahinda, who introduced the Buddhadhamma to Sri Lanka, is the Redactor of the Buddhapåjàva in Sinhala Buddhism."
Sri Lanka became a foothold of the Dhamma-Vinaya Tradition. Suvannabhumi was also a foothold where Thera-vada Buddhism thrives presently.

Vibhajjavādi Dhamma Paṭisambhidā-ñāṇa

Analytical Knowledge (Paṭisambhidā-ñāṇa) allows the arahants to reason and teach in detail analytically. Understanding the nature of the Teachings of the Buddha and the Sangha, Venerable Moggaliputta Tissa Thera described them as Vibhajjavādis. That is Theravada, the doctrine of the arahants. Dhamma paṭisambhidā-ñāṇa is the ability to analytically and in detail explain the nature of reality.
The Buddha as an awakened sage is neither a theorist nor a philosopher. Theravada is not philosophy. The Buddha is an arahant.
The Buddha's disciples, who are also arahants, know the Four Noble Truths through their own observation and release from delusion. Knowing modern views and modern science is not their task. They are not philosophers and philosophical scholars. They do not claim to possess omniscience.

Titthiya Sutta (Sectarians):

[The Buddha advises the monks,] you should answer those wanderers of other sects in this way, ‘Friends, passion carries little blame and is slow to fade. Aversion carries great blame and is quick to fade. Delusion carries great blame and is slow to fade. [Thanissaro Bhikkhu]

3.1. Kaccānagotta Sutta (Right View)

Kaccānagotta Sutta Pali:

‘sammādiṭṭhi sammādiṭṭhī’ti, bhante, vuccati. Kittāvatā nu kho, bhante, sammādiṭṭhi hotī’’ti?... ‘‘‘Sabbaṃ atthī’ti kho, kaccāna, ayameko anto. ‘Sabbaṃ natthī’ti ayaṃ dutiyo anto. Ete te, kaccāna, ubho ante anupagamma majjhena tathāgato dhammaṃ deseti – ‘avijjāpaccayā saṅkhārā; saṅkhārapaccayā… L. Feer, Saṃyutta-nikāya,V. 16 —[copied from Early Buddhism: A New Definition (Vijitha Kumara, page 130)]

• sammādiṭṭhi : right view
• What is the right view, bhante?

Sarvāstivāda

Sarvāstivāda means "those who claim that everything exists" [...] the Sarvāstivādins suggest that "everything," that is all conditioned factors (dharma), "exist" and can exert causal efficacy in the three time periods of the past, present, and future. [Sarvastivada And Mulasarvastivada (Encyclopedia.com)]

The main Sarvāstivādi concept 'all dhamma exist in all three times' was familiar to the Buddha, not because He taught it, but because He rejected it.

'Everything exists': That is one extreme. 'Everything doesn't exist': That is a second extreme. Avoiding these two extremes, the Tathagata teaches the Dhamma via the middle: From ignorance as a requisite condition come fabrications (saṅkhārā). From fabrications as a requisite condition comes consciousness. [Kaccānagotta Sutta (SN 12:15) (Thanissaro Bhikkhu)]

Somehow, that concept, despite the Buddha's famous rejection, came to associate with Buddhism once again, not because the Buddha taught it, but the outsiders made it as if the Buddha accepted it.
We, too, must reject the notion of 'everything exists' just the way the Buddha rejected it. The rejection is also present in the paṭicca samuppāda, as He explains:

Imagine two sheaves of reeds the one leaning against the other. In the same way consciousness depends on named-shapes, named shapes depend on consciousness [...] birth depends on existing, aging and death depend on birth — the coming into existence of upset, grief, lamentation, pain and misery. [...] If, however, friend, I were to remove one of those sheaves of reeds one would fall down if I were to remove the other the other would fall down. — SN 5.67 [Dependant Uprising, Downbound Dependent Own-making (Dependent Origination, Conditioned Genesis, The Causal Law),

The Paṭicca Samuppāda provides two sheaves of reeds that support each other, but one of them can be removed to topple them both. When they are toppled, we cannot say everything exists. The Buddha's Dhamma, which shows us the four Paramattha, is nothing like a "dharma theory" that was created by the Sarvāstivādis.
Kaccānagotta Sutta continues:

[The Buddha:] By & large, Kaccayana, this world is supported by (takes as its object) a polarity, that of existence & non-existence. But when one sees the origination of the world as it actually is with right discernment, 'non-existence' with reference to the world does not occur to one. When one sees the cessation of the world as it actually is with right discernment, 'existence' with reference to the world does not occur to one. "By & large, Kaccayana, this world is in bondage to attachments, clingings (sustenances), & biases

3.2. Vibhajyavāda & The Present Dhamma

The Tibetan Buddhist Encyclopedia:

vibhajyavāda; A school of thought doctrinally opposed to the Sarvāstitvāda. holds that the present dharma-s alone exist. However, some among them like the followers of the Kāśyapīya, concede that the past karma that have not yet given fruit (adatta-phala) can also be said to exist.

Here is a part of Magganga Dipani by Ledi Sayadaw:

kammassakata samma-ditthi Sabbesatta kammadayada, kamayoni, kammabandhu kammappatisarana yam kammam karissanti kalyanam va papakam va tassadayada bhavissanti. Sabbe satta kammassaka: There exist such properties as elephants, horses, vehicles, cattle, fields, buildings, gold, silver, jewels, etc. Those properties can be said to belong to us in the present existence before we pass away. But when we pass away those properties do not accompany us beyond death. They are like properties which we borrow for some time for our use. They are liable to destruction during the present existence. As those properties which beings possess do not accompany them to their new existences, they cannot be claimed as properties belonging to those beings. The Buddha therefore said, 'sabbe satta kammassaka.' The only property of all beings that accompanies them is their own volitional action... [Ledi Sayadaw explains the entire thing here.]

• Venerable Mogok Sayadaw warned us to avoid sassata ditthi, the belief in permanence (nicca), 'eternity-belief'. Based on his explanation: A kamma (action) exists while it is happening between the start and the end. For example, feeding an animal: this action exists only while that animal is fed. That action cannot exist before and after that animal is fed. However, as if following the doers, the potential effect of certain wholesome and unwholesome kamma (volition) is inevitable.

Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

Furthermore, bhikkhus, this is the dukkha ariya·sacca: jāti is dukkha, jarā is dukkha (sickness is dukkha) maraṇa is dukkha, association with what is disliked is dukkha, dissociation from what is liked is dukkha, not to get what one wants is dukkha; in short, the five upādāna'k'khandhas are dukkha.

• The Buddha introduced the Dukkha Sacca in His first sermon.
• Vedayita-dukkha: The truth is dukkha are birth, aging, death, association with what is disliked, dissociation from what is liked, and not to get what one wants.
• Bhayattha-dukkha: The truth is the constant fear of these dukkha is also dukkha.
• Due to the past wholesome and unwholesome kamma, one gets birth, aging, death, etc.
• However, Beings born in the sugati-loka do not suffer from birth, aging, and bodily pain (kayika-dukkha), as these dukkha do not exist there.
• The past unwholesome kamma do not affect these beings during their existence in sugati-loka, especially the arupa-brahmas.
• The Buddha understood the followers of Nigaṇṭha (the Nigaṇṭhas) did not know the existence of the sugati-loka. Thus, they were speculators who fell into sassatavada (eternalism) and ucchedavada (nihilism/annihilation). Details can be read here: The Buddhist Critique of Sassatavada and Ucchedavada: The Key to a proper Understanding of the Origin and the Doctrines of early Buddhism (Y. Karunadasa).
• In the Devadaha Sutta, the Buddha pointed out the mistakes of these Nigaṇṭhas.

Devadaha Sutta (the Law of Kamma)

[MN 101] “‘So, friends, it seems that you don’t know that you existed in the past, and that you did not not exist… you don’t know what is the abandoning of unskillful qualities and the attainment of skillful qualities in the here & now. That being the case, it is not proper for you to assert that, “Whatever a person experiences—pleasure, pain, or neither pleasure nor pain—all is caused by what was done in the past. Thus, with the destruction of old [kamma] through asceticism, and with the non-doing of new actions, there will be no flow into the future. With no flow into the future, there is the ending of [kamma]. With the ending of [kamma], the ending of [dukkha]. With the ending of [dukkha], the ending of feeling. With the ending of feeling, all [dukkha] will be exhausted.” (Thanissaro Bhikkhu)

• If the present is completely conditioned by the past [kamma] and if we could not break that condition to do new kamma in a condition not determined by the past, then at this present we could not even do anything intentionally (kamma) as our action would be restrained by the past kamma.

A Vibhajjavādi cannot accept Sarvāstivāda's notion of the three times:

all dharmas exist in the past, present and future, the "three times".

Past and future exist at this present moment implies they merge with the present time. Yesterday and tomorrow are today and they are so every day without meaning one can live yesterday and tomorrow today. If one's injury healed yesterday, both injury and healing exist today, right now. For three times doctrine (Sarvāstivāda), dead people are dead, alive and exist at all stages and every moment of time. Even though one has reborn countless times, one still lives in the past lives and also the future lives. One has lived the past infinity and the future infinity. As the future has also been lived, there is no way to change the future, so what will happen will happen — according to the God one believes. After one passes away, one will relive the same life again and again countless times in the past and the future. Someone who will become a Buddha is already a Buddha. Someone who will go to hell is already in hell while living this life as a human.
Rational and irrational people, including the physicists, philosophers, writers and filmmakers, took the doctrine of three times seriously and imagined time machines.
Assuming kamma (action) exists constantly (past, present and future) constitutes sassata ditthi (eternalism). Assuming actions and their effects do not exist constitutes ahetukaditthi (view of uncausedness) — see the 8th question on page181 of this book: Milindapanha: kammaphalaatthibhavapanha. King Milinda asked many questions about kamma. The answers of wisemen and philosophers of the time did not satisfy the king. He got the answers only when he met Venerable Nagasena; see A SEARCH FOR THE LEARNED (TALENT HUNT), pages12-16.
Venerable Nagasena explained how the future is yet to exist:

Can anyone point out the fruits that a tree has not yet produced, saying: “Here they are, there they are”?” [See 3.2. QUESTION REGARDING VALIDITY OF FRUIT AND RESULT OF WHOLESOME AND UNWHOLESOME]

Real is the present; the past is gone; the future is yet to exist. That is the knowledge of the arahants.
Every action has the process of existence: birth, decay and death. Understanding anicca can abandon sakkaya ditthi.
Sakkaya ditthi is a sense with which one perceives a nama-rupa complex as me, you, he, she, it, cat, dog and so on.

Right View according to the Sakyamuni

The Buddha and His disciples visited Vesāli, the capital of the Vajjians, several times, and many arahants were made there. Saccaka, who the Buddha addressed as Aggivessana, was a famous Jain teacher of the Licchavi rājās. They accompanied Saccaka when he went to challenge the Buddha. There a famous debate on anattavada occurred, as recorded in the famous Cula-Saccaka Sutta.

[The Buddha asked,] “Well, Aggivessana, when you say that [rūpa] is self, do you have power over that [rūpa]. Can you have your [rūpa] be any different than it is?” Saccaka could not answer and remained silent [...] “Released they are endowed with unsurpassed Right View, unsurpassed practice, and unsurpassed release. Released, they honor and respect the Tathagata in this manner: The Buddha teaches the Dhamma for awakening (to Four Noble Truths), the Buddha teaches the Dhamma to develop restraint, the Buddha teaches the Dhamma for developing tranquility, the Buddha teaches the Dhamma for ending samsara (ignorance). The Buddha teaches the Dhamma for total unbinding.” (John Haspel).

• [rūpa]: The four mahabhuta (solid, liquid, gas, heat), each changes according to its nature.
• Self (atta) means the owner or arbitor of the five aggregates of clinging.
• do you have power over that [rūpa]: None of the five aggregates is self (atta).
• Vesāli became a Buddhist capital after the debate. But not all the Nigaṇṭhas were happy. Their attack on the Buddha and the Sangha never stopped. They succeeded only after a few centuries later.

3.3. QUESTION REGARDING VALIDITY OF FRUIT AND RESULT OF WHOLESOME AND UNWHOLESOME

(kammaphalaatthibhavapanha page181) 8. King Milinda said: “If, O Venerable Nagasena, with the (present) Mind-body-complex (nama-rupa) either wholesome or unwholesome kammical actions were performed where will the fruit and result of those actions (kamma) be located?” “The fruit and result of kammical actions tend to follow the Mind-body-complex, O King, like a shadow that never leaves it.” (So replied the Elder.) “Now what do you think, O King? Can any one point out the fruits which a tree has not yet produced, saying: “Here they are, there they are”?” (So asked the Elder.) “Not possible it is, O Venerable One.” (So replied the king.)

• Shadow means the potential. As long as the tree exists, the potential of fruiting of that tree exists. The fruits will be on that tree, not elsewhere. The potential never leaves the tree.
• Mahayana created the concept of Ālayavijñāna (storehouse consciousness).
  • Ālayavijñāna is also regarded as the store house of vāsanas and karmic tendencies (vāsanāparibhāvita and sarvabījaka). However, it is neither the permanent identity of a person nor a form of collective unconscious. Continuous build-up and discharge of karmic tendencies cause the ever-changing nature of ālaya-vijñāna. [Wisdom Lib]
• Compare ālayavijñāna with indestructable buddha-nature. Buddha-nature is also vijñāna/citta. Awareness is Buddha-nature.
  • [Breakthrough Sermon, Bodhidharma:] The Sutra of the Ten Stages says, “In the body of mortals is the indestructible buddha-nature [...] Our buddha-nature [the self-nature of Buddha] is awareness: to be aware and to make others aware. To realize awareness is liberation.
  • be­cause garbha (which nearly always means 'embryo' in Sanskrit) is translated by ts'ang, ( = 'womb'; lit. 'storehouse'), a certain vacuum was created in the Chinese vocabulary which the terms fo hsing and fo hsin ( = buddha-citta) neatly filled. [Rawlinson, Andrew. "The Ambiguity of the Buddha-Nature Concept in India and China."]
  • Ālayavijñāna belongs to or a part of buddha-nature (buddha-citta).
  • According to the concept of citta-matrata

THE NIYAMA-DIPANI The Manual of Cosmic Order Mahathera Ledi Sayadaw

[Kamma-Niyama] The moral order--Kamma (action) is that by which men execute, deeds, good or evil, meritorious or the opposite. What is it ? It is volition (cetana), moral or immoral. We are told in the Pali texts: 'By action, Bhikkhus, I mean volition. It is through having willed that a man does something in the form of deed, speech or thought.'

The nama-rupa process, which occurs according to the law of paticcasamuppada (Pratītya-Samutpāda), is like a tree; See 2.3. PATICCASAMUPPADA. The nama-rupa process, which occurs due to the niyama(s) other than kamma niyama, is outside the law of paticcasamuppada but not unrelated.

Naked Kassapa

The ascetic Acelakassapa put forward four theories of origination of suffering and wanted to know Buddha’s answer to them. [Dependent Origination and the Buddhist Theory of Relativity (Kottegoda S. Warnasuriya (page 154)]
"'He who performs the act also experiences [the result]' — what you, Kassapa, first called 'suffering caused by oneself' — this amounts to the Eternalist[3] theory. [Acela Sutta: Naked Kassapa]

An action was done by a doer, not someone else. However, the doer and the action (kamma) can exist only during the action is being done, not before or after. The doer happens to exist because of doing. The doer and doing exists at the same time. Action and doer don't exist outside doing or before or after the action is done.
Saying there is no doer falls into ahetukavada and probably uccedavada, too, as 'no doer' means 'nobody is responsible' to take the consequences. When the action is done, it becomes a seed that grows into a tree (as nama-rupa process) according to the paticcasamuppada law. The fruiting or consequences of volition (kamma/seed) will appear on this tree.

Of Causal Genesis [Mahathera Ledi Sayadaw (contrinues)]

Paticcasamuppada is Causal Genesis or Dependent Origination (Process). The key words are depdendent and process. The process depends on the action done by the doer, which no longer exists by the next stage of the process. For example, a sound comes out after the drummer hit a drum with a drumstick. The birth of the sound is dependent on the hitting process, but the sound itself is independent to be in the law of impermanence—no butterfly-effect here.
That is how things exist, but not "everything exists".

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Synopsis:
Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.
Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.
Chapter 239: Standing Start
A wine bottle rolled against the side of my boot.
Amidst a gallery of stunned faces and open mouths, it was easily the second most lively thing here.
The first was a clockwork doll clutching at her stomach in pain.
“Ahahahha~ ahahaha~ ahah … uck … ack … ughh … ahahaha~”
I pursed my lips.
Still, I said nothing.
For one thing, this was precisely what happened when one ate the mouldy cinnamon rolls combined with any grass growing by the side of the road. If Apple refused to eat something, then so should she.
But for another–
“What … What is this … ?”
It was because the first response was reserved for the baroness.
Her words came out in a quivering tone, matching the disbelief upon her face.
Frankly, she had to do better than that.
Only the wine from the bottle I nudged away dribbled into the soil. And also the line of drool from a comatose farmer. But I didn’t want to think about that.
Still, it was an excellent benchmark. Until her tears could properly overpower the sour aroma from the Château de Riaré Hensoise, I would deem her bawling to be incomplete.
She had a long way to go.
“How … How are you still …” she began, slowly rising from her seat. “This … This is impossible–”
I offered a tidy smile alongside a flick of my hair, relishing in the moonlight adorning my figure.
“I agree. It shouldn’t be possible. But I assure you, my skin is 100% natural.”
“E-Excuse me … ?”
“No magical enchantments. No unicorn elixirs. No witchly glamors. Just a healthy sleep schedule of however many hours I desire and a diet of fresh strawberry shortcakes.”
The baroness mouthed silently at my secrets being revealed.
A strange way of offering her gratitude. Other princesses hounded my door for this knowledge. Given her pale, blotchy skin and lips as dry as a pond in a desert, she should be pleading for more.
Instead, she pointed at the fallen drunk beside us.
“This … This shouldn’t be possible … no, wait … the clockwork doll … did she–”
She suddenly snapped towards Coppelia, her eyes widening.
“Uuh … ahaha … ugh, it hurts ... ahaha … it hurts so much … ahaha … my tummy … aha … oh no … I’m … I’m seeing daisies … aha … I … ugh … I think I need help …”
Coppelia hugged her stomach, writhing like a freshly hatched caterpillar. Her eyes darkened as hiccups of laughter assailed her defeated form.
The baroness pursed her lips.
Then, she turned to Renise instead.
“Did you–”
“A-Amazing! … I … I have no idea what you did … but it wasn’t just wonderful … it was beautiful! The colours! The warmth! It was like a rainbow come to life!”
With a smile worthy of any attendant, the maid brought her hands together in polite applause. Naturally, to be praised for my brushwork was nothing new to me. Nor was the sight of stars shining in her eyes with greater brightness than any in the night sky.
Why, that even came whenever I left my bedroom.
“You … how did … how did you defeat him … ?”
The strands of the baroness’s golden hair began to frizzle as she turned towards me. All I saw were her tonsils. Bright red and healthy. She should be pleased.
“This was … this was no common man … do you know who he is … ?”
Without offering a chance to ignore her, she stamped a foot, pointing at the fallen drunk with maddened jabs. The man offered no defence, now as spent and drained as the bottle beside him.
I raised a brow.
“Indeed, I do. He’s a farmer who made poor life choices. And between leaving his farm and offering his pitchfork to an overly ambitious baroness, the greater was you. My congratulations on being the superior mistake. I acknowledge your triumph.”
Bwam.
The baroness promptly slapped her palms down on the table.
“This man … is Willem of Hagel,” she said, her teeth gritted together. “A man desperate and cursed.”
“Yes, well, to be a peasant is a dire thing. But it could be worse. At least he isn’t nobility.”
A mouth further widened before me.
Indeed, this was a terrible time to realise her affliction. But I was no famed angel of healing for nothing. There was a cure for ambition. And it involved copious amounts of tears.
I was still waiting.
“There is no world in which you should have been able to defeat him … not if half the tales about him prove true … he is a famed opponent … all the while you are … you are …”
Suddenly, her eyes left my face for the very first time.
No longer feeling that my cheeks were in danger of being poked, she swept her eyes upon my person, as though hoping to find some blemish to signify I was as false as a field of corn.
She stopped at the sword by my side.
And also–
“A copper ring,” she said softly.
Suddenly, my 29th house of cards I was subtly constructing collapsed.
… T-The ring!
The blot on my finger! The insidious badge of shame! The symbol of the Adventurer’s Guild!
Why, I’d taken it for granted that my masterful disguise was impervious! But this was no ordinary noblewoman I was seated across!
This … This was one I’d previously sat across before!
I’d made a terrible mistake!
I was mesmerising! A beautiful princess as charming as I was modest!
There was utterly no scenario in which I’d be forgotten!
I … I should have removed the copper ring!
“O-Oho … ohoho … w-what copper ring?” I said, my hands vanishing below the table at a speed con artists could only nod at. “Ah, do you refer to the ruby inlaid ring I often carry on my hand? The one which changes colour depending on the longitude and latitude? In that case, you may very well have briefly spied something which resembled a copper hue. But it is in fact a thing of unparalleled beauty and craftsmanship. Not a disgraceful copper ring.”
The baroness slowly looked up at me, her eyes blinking.
“No. I wasn’t mistaken. I … I recognise that ring. It is a copper ring, the same size and shape as those worn by … adventurers.”
My mouth widened in horror.
At once, I immediately sought a plant pot or a heavy book. Something to immediately erase the past few seconds of her memory.
Why … if she knew my secret, then the shame would haunt me all the way until I’d found something weighing at least equivalent to a standard hardback!
“I see,” she mumbled, as much to herself as me. “I understand now …”
The baroness removed her palms from the table.
She stood up straight, a hard expression upon her face. One which calculated with each passing moment the optimal way to exploit this devastating information.
Then, she took in a deep breath–just as I began assembling the playing cards into a thick pile.
“… it must be a legendary artifact.”
As I began eyeing her temple … I blinked in non-understanding.
“Excuse me?”
She nodded, her frown harsh enough to permanently crease her skin.
“To wear such a plain, ugly and shameful ring … one which utterly demeans your history, your worth and your pride, destroying any semblance of dignity you possess–”
My hand went to my stomach, struck by as much pain as Coppelia had experienced in a single moment.
“–indeed, to wear a ring so easily mistaken as one belonging to adventurers, the vermin of the world … it must be a truly terrifying artifact.”
I blinked.
And then–
“Ohhho … ohoohho! You … You see the truth of it!”
The baroness squeezed her fists by her side.
“I knew it.”
I nodded, my bangs bouncing against my forehead.
“I-Indeed … ! This ring I carry on me … it is a masterful item of supreme quality, passed down along generations of my family! Why, its appearance matching those of rings worn by adventurers is no coincidence! Theirs are based on this very design! Although they have since tarnished it, it was forged back in the first days of the kingdom when copper was greater than gold! Poured within it is knowledge now lost to time! A power beyond compare, called upon from the depths of the Royal Vault!”
The baroness sucked in a hateful breath.
“Then that explains it,” she said with bitterness ringing throughout her voice. “You were able to defeat such a powerful adversary through the use of your family’s ancient heirlooms.”
“Indeed, this powerful ring with a rare ability I cannot disclose defeated a terrifying farmer! Therefore, there’s no need for you to relay any suggestion that I’m anything but a princess, as far removed from the Adventurer’s Guild as hygiene is to their members!”
The baroness gave no response.
A respite which lasted far too short.
“... I see, then it means the plan continues. Different, yes. But I’ll not be deterred.”
She smiled, the familiar sight of aristocratic opportunism mixed with an utter denial of facts shining within her grey eyes.
I could only react with horror.
“Plan?” I replied, convinced she was well and truly several sandwiches short of a picnic. “Do you mean the plan currently lying in a fallen heap beside us? Did you not just say I defeated your farmer? Your only plan now is to decide which part of the ground you wish to offer your forehead to.”
The baroness shook her head with renewed confidence.
“I think not. To defeat Willem of Hagel, you must have expended every effort you had available. Not a crumb of power could be spared, for to underestimate him would have resulted in your certain loss. Meaning …”
Without hesitation, she gave a multipurpose wave of her hand.
“... You’ve nothing left but a sword you cannot wield, and two retainers against all of mine. One of whom is incapacitated. The other a maid.”
She continued to keep her hand raised. Her simple call to arms.
It took several moments before she cared to even look around her.
A sad thing.
If she had, she would have realised the curiosity of her hoodlums was less than their prudence.
She would have noticed the eyes without loyalty, seeing only the fallen figure of a drunk they’d been led to believe was more than a farmer now watering the ground with his drool.
And she would have noticed the state of her dress, as dishevelled as her ambitions as those she relied upon slinked away in search of newer gutters to inhabit, following instincts she could learn as the last of their feet shuffled into the darkness.
The baroness paled.
It was far too early for that. She had no idea Apple was currently resting in her tavern, and wouldn’t be helping her haul all of the goods which needed delivering to a place less damp than here.
But I could sooth her forthcoming backache with a smile, at least for the assistance already provided.
“You have my gratitude,” I said, brushing a speck of … countryside from my lap. “For so long as the nobility continues to concoct slapdash schemes with no hope of success, the kingdom can continue to assign blame on you when all else goes wrong. When the mobs come calling and heads start rolling, it ensures a steady queue of necks can be offered before ours are reached. That is why the nobility continues to exist, you see, despite the ceaseless treason. So allow me to offer a word of advice when next you wish to survive in a position of responsibility. When fleeing, the best defence isn’t to run faster–it’s to trip the person beside you. And this means better hiring practices.”
I glanced pointedly around me.
All this empty space and not even a single eyepatched second-in-command to use as a distraction? An amateur mistake. One the baroness now realised as her mouth opened wordlessly, the realisation of her solitude only now dawning upon her.
Yet all it invited was a newly wrought defiance.
“I do not mean to flee,” she said, her fists tightly clenched. “I am Arisa Sandholt. And even should I be captured here, you would not be afforded a night’s rest. I am not alone. Whether tonight or tomorrow, this kingdom will fall. I am not alone in planning its demise.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, please. Planning my kingdom’s demise is what everyone does.”
“What?”
“If it’s not being actively planned, it’s because someone’s in the middle of planning how to formulate a plan. And then once they’ve finished planning, they wonder why their plan didn’t work as planned. This is not a cause for concern. It’s a sign the world is still spinning the correct direction.”
The baroness feigned a dignified silence.
It was far too late, of course. By default, nobility had no dignity.
Still, I accepted the effort, and filled the silence with a tidy clap of my hands.
“Now, since you’ve no intention of fleeing, you can be useful instead. I’ll require a full inventory of your stock. I intend to requisition every single item you have in your possession. Every grain. Every crown. And every odd piece of tableware, carpet, candleholder and painting you might have.”
I pointed at the barn. A tragic thing to requisition. But if I was fortunate, it’d grow lacquered tiles and bay windows in the short steps between here and there.
Suddenly, the baroness’s eyes widened. The needless defiance dropped alarmingly from her face.
“Wait … what do you mean by that?”
I paused for a moment, puzzled by her reaction.
This was hardly the complicated part.
“I mean exactly what I mean. This should come as no surprise. I will be emptying every corner of the property you’ve misappropriated, including whatever manner of tunnels you’ve carved for your use. Rest assured, I’ll be employing the talents of my retainers extensively. With or without your cooperation, every single inch of your abode will be inspected by myself for the Royal Treasury’s benefit.”
She blinked between Renise and Coppelia. Although one was dressed as a maid and the other now appeared to be napping on the ground, their skills when it came to matters of unearthing valuables in my kingdom’s underbelly was not one I doubted.
Nor, from the way the baroness gulped, did she.
“I can do it,” she said suddenly.
I looked at her in confusion, uncertain what ploy this was.
“... Excuse me? Do what?”
“The items of value. I can bring them out. There’s no need to personally see to such a thing yourself.”
“While I’m in full agreement, I can hardly trust your reliability in this manner. And besides, I’ll hardly be playing the mule. I shall be supervising while closely assessing every item.”
Once more, the tonsils came out.
An appalling disregard of decorum. There was only one time that nobility was permitted to look so horrified in my presence. And that’s if they were copying my own after I discovered a list of marriage suitors posing as a napkin beneath the dessert spoon again.
“E-Even so … as the one who wronged you, I insist on not troubling a princess any further. If you give me a few moments, I can acquire the most important valuables for you in a fraction of the time you’d spend on finding them.”
“A few moments to hide them, you mean. No, I’m afraid that anything you wish to stuff beneath a floorboard will need to be appropriately examined first.”
I leaned away in mild alarm as a bead of sweat ran down the baroness’s face.
A moment later–
She finally did what only someone in her position could.
Adhering to the instincts of all nobility, she swept up her dress and suddenly dashed away.
Except it wasn’t towards the dark forest, to be lost amidst the shadows and the jaws of whatever awaited her there. It was back towards the barn.
I watched as she stumbled several times before even reaching the steps.
“... A desperate sight, no?” I said, with a sad shake of my head. “To throw away all semblance of the image she’d hoped to craft. Now she flees like a frightened towngirl. She should know that escape is now impossible.”
Beside me, Renise let out a hum.
Far from chasing after the baroness, she collected the pack of cards I’d assembled for memory wiping purposes. She began to build a house of cards.
I looked at her in puzzlement. She gave a strangely pained smile in reply.
“I believe we can offer her a few moments.”
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Found in the back of park view classroom
Message me if you lost airpods

Failing school + I want to disappear
So…..idk how to start this. Well I guess, I should start with… imma fail gym 😍. Meaning I won’t graduate 😝 but my gpa is a 5.01 cuz the semester grades haven’t gone in 🥲. I really wanna graduate (duh) but I haven’t done my hours for gym. I just can’t— I hate my body so so so much…but like I still eat whatever the heck I want and then I feel bad about it cuz I CAN LITERALLY SEE MYSELF BECOMING FATTER as I eat more junk food. My mom comments on my knees a LOT. So, atp I just want to like ummmmmm have nice knees I guess? But like I don’t want to go to the gym because my dad wants me to wear shorts or atleast joggers. But, shorts show my knees and joggers I have trauma since I was bullied and I always wore jogger back then so now I can’t wear joggers without melting down. Also, my chest area is kinda heavy and I’m short…so it looks really weird if I’m not wearing a really tight bra. AND I HUST CANT STAND PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME IN GYM 🥲. I feel like they’re judging me, my knees, my height, my obesity, the cuts on my arm (oh yeah, I have depression ✌️), and my lopsided face. I clean of cutting for weeks until just now…I used pencils 🥲 so I’m pretty sure I won’t be trusted with anything anymoreeeee. But anyone have suggestion on non cutting methods, besides rubber bands because I feel like people just know that ur suicidal if you have a rubber band on ur wrist 🙃. Sorry for my excessive totally off topic emojis. I guess it’s my way of expressing humor and I use humor to mask the pain. Also I feel like a total piece of shit cuz my dad’s paying for a therapist and like I’m still not comfortable completely opening up to her even though it’s been 4 months…I just don’t like someone pitying me or giving me reallllllyyyy obvious solutions to my problems. Communication problems? Communicate ✌️ well actually she’s not a bad therapist…just maybe that therapy isn’t for me.

Hello everybody. I’m making this post because I’ve been feeling pretty lost these past few months. I’m 25 years old and I would like some guidance or recommendations as to what I should possibly do career wise given my current situation.
I’ll start if by stating that when I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer as I had a lot of passion for the field and I was an amazing debater. However, due to family pressure (that still continues to this day), I was put off the field and told that “I would never be able to get a job apart from being a secretary”. To add to this, I was pressured to become a doctor and study medicine (something that I did not want to do). The resulting predicament was that I lost my identity because where once I was excellent at English and languages and public speaking, I was pushed into the sciences. I did well in biology and chemistry but it wasn’t my passion.
Then, I attended university where the plan was to go into medicine. I had no idea what I was doing so when a family member recommended me to major in Microbiology, i gladly obliged. I HATED by time studying the degree and greatly dreaded labs. I would have panic attack after panic attack and I hated lab work.
Then came graduation and I thought “you know what I hate working in a lab let me figure out something else to do”. Because of my background in microbiology, I had taken some public health papers and the field kind of interested me but I wasn’t so familiar about it. I went to grad school and majored in public health. I graduated and worked for 6 months for my local district health board. However, I was not in the best place mentally and ended up at the doctors and I had to resign from my position. I had severe mental health issues.
Then, I decided to say screw it and I went back to university and worked part time to support myself. I studied for a year towards and English literature post graduate degree and I graduated with honors. When I graduated I couldn’t find a job so I’ve been in sales for the last 9 months.
I hate my job and I want to change careers. I want to have a good job. But I don’t know who I am and what I should do. I thought maybe teaching but hearing people’s short or stories has scared me. I have a passion to explain and help people understand processes. I can teach subjects like English, history, biology, and chemistry. I was thinking perhaps combining education with my passion for reducing inequities (I learnt a lot of the process used to reduce inequities in public health) in vulnerable populations. But I don’t know. I’m feeling very depressed and would like some further information. Do you think educational policy would be for me?
Can somebody kindly suggest what the heck I should do so I don’t feel like a burden and failure?

So…..idk how to start this. Well I guess, I should start with… imma fail gym 😍. Meaning I won’t graduate 😝 but my gpa is a 5.01 cuz the semester grades haven’t gone in 🥲. I really wanna graduate (duh) but I haven’t done my hours for gym. I just can’t— I hate my body so so so much…but like I still eat whatever the heck I want and then I feel bad about it cuz I CAN LITERALLY SEE MYSELF BECOMING FATTER as I eat more junk food. My mom comments on my knees a LOT. So, atp I just want to like ummmmmm have nice knees I guess? But like I don’t want to go to the gym because my dad wants me to wear shorts or atleast joggers. But, shorts show my knees and joggers I have trauma since I was bullied and I always wore jogger back then so now I can’t wear joggers without melting down. Also, my chest area is kinda heavy and I’m short…so it looks really weird if I’m not wearing a really tight bra. AND I HUST CANT STAND PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME IN GYM 🥲. I feel like they’re judging me, my knees, my height, my obesity, the cuts on my arm (oh yeah, I have depression ✌️), and my lopsided face. I clean of cutting for weeks until just now…I used pencils 🥲 so I’m pretty sure I won’t be trusted with anything anymoreeeee. But anyone have suggestion on non cutting methods, besides rubber bands because I feel like people just know that ur suicidal if you have a rubber band on ur wrist 🙃. Sorry for my excessive totally off topic emojis. I guess it’s my way of expressing humor and I use humor to mask the pain. Also I feel like a total piece of shit cuz my dad’s paying for a therapist and like I’m still not comfortable completely opening up to her even though it’s been 4 months…I just don’t like someone pitying me or giving me reallllllyyyy obvious solutions to my problems. Communication problems? Communicate ✌️ well actually she’s not a bad therapist…just maybe that therapy isn’t for me.