My boyfriend and I met in December 2023, started dating February 2024, and have now been together for almost 3 months. We live three hours away but see each other 2-5 times a month and call every day.
In January 2023, both my boyfriend and I went through long term breakups with our first loves. I had been with my ex boyfriend for 3 years, and he had been with his ex girlfriend on & off for 4 years.
When they were broken up, he was still very much obsessed with her. He would date and sleep with other people, but never seriously. He would leave relationships for her and block people once she would tell him she wants him back.
Their relationship was a toxic, vicious cycle that neither could break. But she was always the one that had the most power over him and would initiate all the breakups, while he would come back to her any time she was done dating other people for a little while. The final time she came back, he even proposed to her and they were engaged for a few months.
My past relationship, on the other hand, was a consistent one, and I didn’t have much dating experience after we broke up. My current boyfriend is my second relationship ever, so I’m still learning how to love someone while we both have pasts.
He acts obsessed with me. Super in love, always taking pictures of me and posting me on his social medias, spending so much money to visit me, calling me every night, making a private couple Instagram devoted to our pictures, but still brings up his ex a lot. We both had that problem a bit, but I slowly stopped doing it as often when I realized it wasn’t healthy. However, he always compares me to her. “() would do this.” “() liked this kind of music.”
Well in March, after a year of no contact between them, she (like always based on what he said) finally texted him just to see where he lived now and tell him she’s back in their hometown, asking how he is. He told me they had a short texting convo. I was a little jealous, but since he told me about it and it seemed small and short, I didn’t think too deeply. But it sent him into days worth of a spiral thinking about it. I tried not to bring it up too much.
Then one time in April, he got super depressed and wouldn’t tell me anything. I figured it was about his ex, as he still seems sad about her sometimes and talks so often about her. He got so bad that he drove the 6 hours back to his hometown where his parents live, took days off of work, which is also where she’s from and they met, and stayed with his parents.
I was dumb and suggested that he calls her to finally get some closure. He didn’t tell me if he would or not, until a week later after he was a bit himself again, he confirmed they talked but said “it’s just between me and her.” I said okay and didn’t bring it up even though it bothered me to know what the talked about.
We’ve been doing good since then, but he gets REALLY jealous of me talking with any guys at all. Like REALLY jealous. He likes to look through my phone and read my messages sometimes, which I don’t mind bc I have nothing to hide. But he don’t let me see his. Then two weeks ago, I got curious to see if he did really meet with his ex, and I saw the dreaded messages when he was sleeping (I know, it’s not good but I had suspicions).
During that time he was depressed, they didn’t call but he asked if they could meet in person. It seemed like she was really distant and not interested before or after their meeting, but he texted her things after they met up like, “I would’ve really regret if I didn’t get to see you before going to work abroad for 3 months.” And, “Are you sure you don’t have any feelings for me?”and, “I could never hate you, why would you think that? Please talk to me, I want to hear how you’re feeling.”
I tried to silently leave his apartment while he was asleep, but he woke up and cried, begging me to stay and that he’s over her, he loves me, he just needed closure to confirm she doesn’t have feelings for him so he can move on.
But it hurt me that he needed to know she doesn’t have feelings before he could continue a relationship with me. It makes me feel like if she wasn’t so distant and did have feelings, he would’ve left me immediately. I feel like a placeholder.
He also never told her about me, and told me that the reason he’s taking a work trip abroad for 3 months is because she always comes back in the summer and is scared she’s gonna final his new city and address and he won’t be able to turn her away. That was his explanation while crying to me and begging me to stay. And I said, “So the reason I’m losing my boyfriend for 3 months is because you think your ex will come back again like usual, find your new address, and you won’t be able to say no?”
It caused a huge fight, him sending her a message saying he’s with someone new now and loves me, wants to be with me, and is saying goodbye to their relationship forever.
But then after saying he blocked her, I saw a few days ago he didn’t and only hid her chat. He also sent her contact to a no name social media account that I think is his second account so that he has another way to contact her when he’s away for three months, but he says it’s not.
He said it’s the account of a friend that liked her while he was dating her and wanted to get with her if they ever broke up, so he sent her contact to this friend (which is still weird). But there’s no call or chat history with this friend. Just her contact.
So I’m wondering, should I break up with him? Is he still attached to his ex and I’m the idiot rebound?

Hi everyone,
I could really use some advice right now. I'm an English major with an MA in Contrastive Literature, and I've been feeling lost lately.
Where I come from, there aren't options for 'major' and 'minor' studies like in some countries, so I've solely focused on English. I've always been passionate about writing and literature, which is why I pursued my MA with the intention of working in editing, proofreading, or copywriting.
However, internships in these fields are scarce where I live, and my university didn't provide many opportunities for hands-on experience. I'm trying to find remote internships, but I haven't had much luck yet. In addition, my institution did not have a local paper or other writing-related activities.
I tend to overthink and be hard on myself, and this uncertainty about my future is causing a lot of anxiety. Will I ever find a job in something related to my field? What steps should I be taking right now?
My only experience so far has been as a private English tutor, which I did occasionally while studying. However, I've realised that teaching isn't something I enjoy or want to pursue as a long-term career.
I would really appreciate any advice or insights you might have. I apologise for any poor writing in this post; my mind is sort of scrambled right now.

I like to think of the poor saps in jjk who have a completely underwhelming CT compared to all the powerhouses we've seen (i.e. dude who can just stop wounds from bleeding). Of course CT's are what you make of them, but some obviously have more potential then others. So I thought it would be fun to make a few that are still viable but also just so straight forward and not too flexible. Here's a few:

1. Replenishing inventory inventory

-CT: The user doesn't have to breath, they automatically exchange CO2 and O2 like osmosis with the nearest source of air, they also don't have any issues with not being able to "breath" fast enough when exerting themselves.

1. Fashionesta

-CT: The user gets stronger the more fashionable near by people think they are, depending on their own preferences. Said people cannot control whether they think the user is fashionable, but they're opinion can be changed.

1. phantom opera

-CT: the user can cause the overwhelming sound of an orchestra to play directly into the ears of near by targets but only as long as they properly conduct whatever song that is playing, with a baton and everything.
4.Chill out
-CT: the user can form snowballs in their hand that can lower the temperature of people or things that they hit. For every hit of a snowball, not over time. A grade 1 sorcerer will lower things temp by around 10C per hit.

1. Steampunk

-CT: The user is completely immune to fire, the more fire they are hit with makes their body hot like how steel is effected by heat, and allows them to spew an amount of hot steam from their mouth relative to their temp. Of course they also cool off over time.
I didn't elaborate on any of these CT's DE's, RCT's, etc, because this isn't suposed to be that serious and you can probably guess what they'd be.
Not to mention that I've had the idea to make weaker CT's in general for while, since this sub is made up of generally good, all round useful CT's.

Charlie is seriously turning the tables on Heaven and she is hoping more get redemption. She is undeniable. So what if Heaven throws a wrench in the plans and accends Charlie to Heaven out of reach of Hell!? Now that would be wild cause on the one hand her plan worked. On the other she’s be like, umm not me, not ME!! I have more work to do! “Haha to bad, welcome to heaven dear!”
Now how does she get out ?

Throw away account, just in case. But this is a very unique situation so if the other party ever sees this, they’ll know it’s them…[for reference my ex and I are both in our early 20’s and this all takes place in Virginia] I (F) was with my ex (M, well call him Tom) for about 5 years, we were married for the last 2 years of it. We had a daughter together before we got married as well. We separated back in fall of 2023, my choice for many reasons including I was tired of parenting a 20 something year old, we lived in his family’s home and with years of manipulating I became totally isolated, I was a stay at home parent and had little to no access to finances, and by the end of it his anger issues got the best of him and he became violent and physically abusive towards me and our daughter. I left for our own safety and to gain back some of my independence again. I’ve posted that story on Reddit as well in more detail, on a separate account.
Toms current living situation involves him, he maternal grandfather, maternal grandmother (both in their 70’s), and first cousin (M, preteen aged, well call him George ). They all live in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom and they’re all living their full time. Tom’s sister lives two doors down with her husband and four sons.
George’s parents have their own living situation, it’s his mom, his dad, his sister, and his brother, and they live in a motel room that is setup like a hotel room that would have two queen beds and maybe a small living area in the same room. They don’t keep George bc they don’t care to parent his ASD and have pushed the responsibility onto the grandparents, but not legal guardianship or anything like that, so that the parents can still benefit from him on tax returns or state benefits. George’s dad is a tier 3 sex offender that was convicted for taking indecent liberties with a minor, in the early 2000’s. Unfortunately George, his two siblings, along with Tom’s sisters kids, have all shown signs of learned sexual behaviors, or sexual abuse, or violent and destructive behaviors, but no one takes action bc their family doesn’t want to start drama.
Tom, and his entire maternal family have sexual or violent offenses or histories including the one above, 911 calls for violence within the family, all the way to murder committed by two of his immediate family members. To say the family is insanely unstable and unpredictable is an understatement. So now we’re at today…
Just over a week ago my daughter went to Toms overnight and when she came home she said George had touched her private areas, we have had a talk about how she should always tell me if anyone ever does xyz and she knows who her safe people are etc. I had a throughout conversation with her letting her lead anything that was said and I just asked her to elaborate on things. She knew exactly what she was wanting to tell me and she never strayed from her story or any details. She’s young, but she’s very smart and aware, I trust that she’s telling the truth. She also said her and George share a room, Tom has told me George sleeps on the living room cough whether my kid is there or not but she’s said this many times and has even said there’s 2 beds in her room. She says George also spanks her, yells at her, and hits her, but that her dad just tells him no and that it continues…
I talked to her more than once but after deciding for myself that she’s telling the truth and isn’t mixing her story up, I called CPS. I did also call Tom so he knew what she had said but he said our daughter was lying, it never happened, and showed no concern. I made the report with all the details above, the next day a family member of mine said I should also make a police report so I did. That turned into a second county CPS being sent the report and the police department opening their own investigation. Two days after that I was able to go to the court house and get a preliminary protective order, which was granted.
I have to go back to court this week for the hearing for the protective order. Today I called both CPS’s for updates and they both said they can’t investigate it because the abuse or neglect wasn’t done by the care giver directly, I don’t understand how that makes sense in this situation bc they possibly share a room and her father is ordered by our custody agreement not to leave her with anyone unless I personally agree to it. In the past his family has put my daughter in harms way and I don’t trust that they’re attentive enough to watch her and all the other small children there, especially due to the grandparents ages.
I am currently pursuing a show cause because he’s been late on child support and hasn’t paid the full amount, has left our daughter at home with family while he went to the strip club and got absolutely plastered, George’s dad is also ordered in our custody order to have no contact whatsoever with our daughter and has been at Tom’s house when she’s there. He also neglects to change her diapers before she rashes, doesn’t care to buy underwear despite her potty training currently, doesn’t bathe her properly or at all, doesn’t wash her clothes before returning her back to me. There’s more to that, but that’s the basics of it all.
So now my hands are tied, there’s two court orders. Our custody order, and a protective order. I don’t know which one I legally am meant to uphold to first. George lives at her dads house so she can’t go there without breaking the protective order, but if I refuse to give her to Tom, I may be at fault for breaking the custody order… I called the court to see if an emergency custody order was possible but they said not if I already have a custody order in place. What do I do? I’m still waiting on updates from the investigators and looking for more answers elsewhere, I feel like my hands are tied. She isn’t due to go back to Tom until the dry end of this month or early next month. What should I do?

I’ve been trying to wear my natural hair more often and I’ve been watching tutorials on different styles + how to take care of natural hair. The issue isn’t learning how to do something with my hair but rather I physically cannot do anything to my hair without it causing me a lot of pain. I can’t have my hands up for too long and my wrists start to go limp on me.
I’ve tried to look further into it, hoping I can find people with similar issues as me on YouTube but I can’t find anything. I would have no problem paying someone to do my hair but in my area people want to charge an arm and a leg despite not having any type of professional licensing.
Also, I’m having issues with finding the right hair products for my hair. I’ve pretty much tried everything under the sun (no type of gel slicks down my hair, most products flake up in my hair, a lot of products dry out my hair or make my hair feel rough)
For reference:
I have 4a/4b hair texture + my hair is really coarse in the back of my head.
My hair is really thick
I’ve mainly used products from the Mielle line but i only use the exfoliating shampoo and hydrating conditioner because any other products makes my hair dry out.
Any advice + recommendations will help

Race Information

• Name: Eugene Marathon
• Date: April 28, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Eugene, OR
• Website: https://www.eugenemarathon.com
• Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/11285376078
• Time: 2:46:46

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	2:41-2:44	No
B	PR	Yes

Splits

Mile	Splits
1	6:08
2	6:23
3	6:24
4	6:15
5	6:15
6	5:55
7	6:19
8	6:04
9	6:23
10	6:39
11	6:23
12	6:13
13	6:12
14	6:12
15	6:14
16	6:19
17	6:19
18	6:04
19	6:37
20	6:44
21	6:10
22	6:31
23	6:40
24	6:34
25	6:45
26	6:34
0.2	1:27

Training

After racing the Tokyo Marathon in early March, I had 8 weeks before racing Eugene Marathon, which was my second spring marathon. During those 8 weeks, I ran the NYC Half, the Cherry Blossom 5K and Cherry Blossom 10 Miler, and was either recovering from those races or doing my usual runs and workouts to keep my fitness sharp. The workouts and my race results during this time (finished in 1:19 high at the NYC Half on tired legs two weeks after Tokyo, and finished the Cherry Blossom 5K in mid-17s plus turned it around in less than 24 hours after to finish in the low 59 minutes range at the Cherry Blossom 10 Mile Run) suggested that I was in shape to go for a sub-2:45 marathon.
Ultimately, I settled on aiming to finish Eugene somewhere between 2:41 and 2:44. Because this was my final marathon of the spring training cycle, this was my last opportunity to run a fast marathon. Based on my recent race results plus observations from my coach, I was in PR shape; Eugene has ideal weather, and the course was ideal to make such an attempt. Or so I hoped.

Pre-race

I flew over to Portland on Thursday night and spent a couple of nights at my friends’ place and got to hang out with them, plus walk around Portland and check out the sights with them as well. On Saturday, my friends and I drove over to Eugene and we went straight to packet pickup at a hotel around downtown Eugene. The packet pickup was quite smooth, and I was able to pick up my packet and spent some time browsing the vendors at the expo afterwards. The rest of the day was chill; my friends and I did a bit of exploring around downtown Eugene, and we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory that evening. Before heading to bed that night, I laid out my race kit and prepped my gear bag so that I could get dressed and head out to the shuttle pickup area as soon as I woke up that morning.
I woke up on 5 AM on race day, had a quick breakfast, got dressed and headed out of my hotel towards the designated shuttle pick up point. Got on the shuttle bus and we arrived at Hayward Field around 6:20 AM. I quickly took care of business in the bathroom, then went over and dropped my gear bag at the bag check area. I ran into a friend at the gear check area and we went inside Hayward Field so that we could take a look at the famous venue. We then made our way to the start area, and we did a quick warm up jog nearby before entering the start corrals themselves and lining up close to the start area. I took half of a Maurten 160 gel before starting, and I had plans to consume the remainder after the first six miles.
After the usual pre-race remarks and the singing of the National Anthem, the race started at 7 AM and we were on our way!

Race

Start to 5 miles

The course was a bit crowded at the beginning, primarily because the marathoners and half marathoners started at the same time. There was quite a bit of rolling hills during the first 5 miles and so I focused on getting into a groove and going by effort and doing what I could to try to not go out too fast. My bladder was feeling a bit full at the start and I ended up taking a quick pee break after mile 2 and lost 20 seconds in the process.
Otherwise, this stretch was uneventful. We went through some really nice neighborhoods within Eugene during the first two miles, and saw some scenic stretches along the way while heading south towards the first turnaround point. I crossed the 5 mile mark in 31:17

5 miles to 10 miles

As we headed back north towards the center of Eugene, we overlapped a bit with the marathoners and half marathoners coming through in the opposite towards the mile 3 marker. I held my efforts relatively steady on this stretch, and I still felt quite good so far. I took my first gel sometime mile 7, and I was fueling every 30-40 minutes or so throughout the race. After going through the mile 9 marker and running past Hayward Field and the start area (which had been taken down at this point), my stomach started to feel a bit weird and I realized I need to find a porta potty at the next aid station to take care of this, and soon. Fortunately, I did not have to wait too long; there was a porta potty half a mile ahead, and I went straight to it and took care of business there, losing about 20 seconds in the process.
Besides the untimely bathroom stop around mile 9.5, nothing else happened to me on this stretch. I went through the mile 10 checkpoint in 31:23 (1:02:40 elapsed)

10 miles to 15 miles

After passing the mile 10 marker, we went onto the bike path along the Willamette River, before easing back onto Franklin Boulevard. I saw signs telling half marathoners and marathoners that the half/full marathon split at mile 10.75 was coming up; seeing that, I mentally prepared myself to run a good portion of the races with not many runners around me. At mile 10.75, the half and full marathoners split off, and I headed east, crossing the river into Springfield and looped through there for a mile before heading west to continue the rest of my race. Most of this stretch was quite flat, and I got comfortable easing into my goal pace and ticked off the miles. I took another gel sometime after mile 12 and was hitting up almost every water stop along this stretch. After mile 14, we went onto the wooded bike paths, where we would spend most of the second half. The crowd support started to diminish, and this was going to set the tone for the rest of the race.
I went through the 15 mile checkpoint in 31:16 (1:33:56). The organizers did not set up an official halfway checkpoint but based on watch data and the paces from the 5 mile splits, it was likely that I came through the halfway point a few seconds under 1:22.

15 miles to 20 miles

Besides briefly crossing paths with the half marathoners after the mile 15 mark, things started to gradually get tough for me. I was mostly running by myself on the wooden bike paths, with few runners ahead of me or behind me. And the crowd support was sparse too, which did not help; I only saw small crowds every few miles or so. Pace wise, I was holding on, but I was starting to increasingly feel the fatigue and I began to negotiate with myself. Which isn’t what I needed at this point. I wasn’t feeling too great somewhere between the mile 19 and mile 20 markers, and I ended up taking a quick 10-15 second breather at the aid station to catch my breath, take a caffeinated gel and grab some hydration, and put myself back together before continuing.
I went through the mile 20 split with a 32:05 split (2:06:01 elapsed). With a 10K to go, it was going to get harder for me the rest of the way.

20 miles to Finish

What I do remember about the last 6.2 miles, unfortunately, was how hard this was for me. Admittedly, this felt much harder than the last 6.2 miles at the Tokyo Marathon. It was giving me a lot of deja vu, which was not what I needed. My legs felt very heavy and there were times where it felt like I had leg weights tethered to my legs. My legs did not have any life left in them either. I wasn’t feeling too great either, even after taking a quick stop a moment ago. Realizing my predicament, I decided to break the remaining distance up and focused on getting to the next mile marker(s) as a way to keep me motivated the rest of the way. One mile at a time. Then two miles at a time. As I was gradually fading the rest of the way, I remember at least 8-10 runners passing by me during this stretch and clearly they were having a better day than I was having. It didn’t feel great seeing that happen to me but there was nothing I could do about it. Crowd support continued to be sparse up until less than a mile out from the finish at Hayward Field. I took my final gel around mile 23 so that I had enough left in the tank to take me the rest of the way.
It felt like forever, but I finally got to the mile 25 marker, and I remember telling myself “only 1.2 miles left to go”. Soon after I crossed the mile 25 marker, the marathon course merged with the half marathon course and half marathoners were running on the left hand side of the road making their way to the finish, while marathoners were running on the right hand side of the road. I navigated through an underpass, and after coming out of the underpass I saw solid crowd support for the first time since the first half of the race. Lots of spectators were lined up along the road leading to Hayward Field. Completely exhausted at this point and my legs feeling like lead at this point, I interacted with the crowds as best as I could while holding onto the pace the best that I could.
I crossed the mile 26 mark and saw Hayward Field in the distance. I made a right hand turn to enter the track at Hayward Field and took it all in: I am running on Hayward Field itself. What an incredible feeling to experience. With 150 meters to go on the Hayward Field Track, and with the finish line now visible, I picked up the pace and waved to the crowds at the stands as I covered the last 100 meters to the finish.
I crossed the finish line in 2:46:46, finishing 7 seconds faster than the time I ran at Tokyo two months prior. I knew it was going to be close, but talk about cutting it quite close! The 7 second marathon PR that I set at Eugene is now my smallest marathon PR, beating the 9 second marathon PR that I set at the 2021 Chicago Marathon. My result was good enough to place within the top 100 overall, which is quite nice I must say!

Post-race

After crossing the finish, I took a moment to catch my breath, and then took in the moment. I was standing in Hayward Field, where numerous high profile track meets were hosted. And I got to run on the small part of the track on my way to the finish. How cool is that?!
Walking through the chute, I collected my finishers medal and ran into running friends who were either spectating in the standards or crossed the finish line behind me and had quick chats with them. While getting post-race pictures at Hayward Field, I noticed a stain on my singlet and I realized that I experienced significant nipple chafing to the point that my nipple bled. So much for having nice finishing line and post-race photos! And it was the first time that it happened to me. I picked up my post-race food in the Hayward Field stadium tunnel, and gradually made my way out of the stadium towards the gear check area; I eventually reunited with my friends who came with me to Eugene to support me there. Eventually we ran into some of the same running friends at the gear check area and we sat around chatting about how our races went.
My friends and I drove back to Portland later that afternoon, and after I got myself cleaned up, we went over to a nearby bar to celebrate.

Final Thoughts and Updated Marathon Progress

While it was a bit disappointing that I faltered down the stretch and did not hit my goals, I am glad that I held on and squeeze out a small PR of 7 seconds at Eugene; it could have gone a whole lot worse. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but when I was comparing my pace data and elevation data, it appears I went a big aggressive with the paces and took a bit of a risk there. Much of the rolling hills were in the first 5 miles of the race, and chances are I might have overcooked myself on that stretch; if I had done this differently, I would have told myself to relax on the paces on the rolling hills and not overcook myself in the process.
Above all, I am very grateful to make it through this long (and sometimes weird!) training cycle mostly intact, did not experience significant injuries along the way (!), did not burn out along the way (very important!), and picked up numerous PRs along the way: 10K (en route, twice!), 10 mile, half marathon, and full marathon (twice!). And I think it is fair to say that many people would kill for the kind of success that I’ve had during this training cycle.
That said, I learned a few important lessons throughout this training cycle. First, it appears I got into peak shape during the training block leading up to the Tokyo Marathon, and I did not make any subsequent fitness gains afterwards. It probably did not help that I was recovering from Tokyo or recovering from the shorter distance races that I raced during that 8 week period between Tokyo and Eugene. I’m not getting any younger with every passing year, and I probably need to be more diligent with recovery from races moving forward. That said, I have no regrets about doing those races because I still got solid results out of them. And finally, I realized that I prefer shorter training cycles – specifically ones that are between 12 and 16 weeks in duration – and I peak out at anywhere between 10 and 13 weeks into a training cycle, and I’d like to take advantage of my peak fitness soon after and not any longer beyond that. I’m grateful that I was able to handle a 20-week training cycle so that I could stay in shape for both Tokyo and Eugene, but admittedly this was a bit too long for my tastes. Lessons from this longer-than-usual training cycle will have a significant impact how I plan out my training cycles and races moving forward.
The road ahead for me will only get harder, and I vowed at the beginning of the training cycle to trust the process and not let sub-par workouts or sub-par race results drag me down and cause me to lose sight of the bigger picture. And I am still committed to doing that for myself.
For now though, I’m taking some time off training, running for fun, and looking forward to having a social life and enjoying life in general for a bit before transitioning over to summer outdoor track season. And I look forward to what is next for me!
With that said, here’s the updated version of my marathon PR progress within the past few years.

• 2017 - 5:07:32 (Marine Corps; debut)
• 2018 - 4:03:43 (Chicago)
• 2019 - 3:53:20 (Los Angeles) / 3:31:00 (Berlin)
• 2020 - 3:09:54 (Rhode Island)
• 2021 - 3:09:45 (Chicago)
• 2022 - 3:03:20 (Hartford)
• 2023 - 2:58:06 (London) / 2:50:28 (Berlin) / 2:49:16 (Chicago)
• 2024 - 2:46:53 (Tokyo) / 2:46:46 (Eugene)

Introduction

ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION, Zepp Tokyo for \"Quarter-Century Tour\"

^(\This article is an updated version of my "Sound Like" article from 2021. I have reposted this article due to difficulties editing the original version*, and have included additional information and recommendations based on the increased popularity of amp simulator pedals*)*

Hello fellow musicians and Ajikan fans!
I have been a fan of ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION for roughly 16 years and as a guitarist was greatly inspired by the band's alt rock sound.
After a few years of research I have written a series of "sound like" articles for ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION. The purpose of these articles is to provide context on how the band create their signature sound, and to support beginning musicians or tribute acts who may wish to replicate it.
At the end of each article I have drafted a Budget Rig, which you could use for both at home and in a live environment. I have also provided some general amp settings to tweak and try, which are based on the band's live sound and be can used to help replicate their tones.
This is a 3-part series and if you enjoy this article I would recommend checking out the other articles:
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Sound Like Part 2: Kita : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Sound Like Part 3: Yamada : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)

^{Please note that the article focuses on the band's live sound, which will be different to the albums and can vary depending on the venue. Also (and is a cliché} every musician and instrument will vary slightly due to small differences in play style and build, so also be mindful of that.)

To help you recognise the individual guitar tones, Gotch's guitar parts are normally panned to the left earphone and Kita's are panned to the right earphone on the band's albums. (On 2016's Sol-Fa, Hometown and some of the Planet Folks singles the panning was swapped, with Gotch instead in the right ear and Kita on the left)

Masafumi Gotoh

Gotch live at the 02 Islington, London, 2013
Let's start off with lead singer and rhythm guitarist Masafumi Gotoh, or "Gotch" for short. Gotch's was massively influenced by the 90's alternative rock, Power Pop and the Britpop scene, and has previously highlighted Oasis, Weezer and Number Girl as key inspirations.
As Ajikan's main songwriter, Gotch follows the principle of "less is more" - keeping the arrangements simple for listeners, but combining pop hooks & traditional Asian melodies with the band's punk rock and indie influences.
Gotch's playing style follows this principle, as he primarily uses chord shapes, bar chords or repeated phrases to anchor the band. (The simple approach also makes it easier for Gotch to sing while performing)
Occasionally, Gotch will use "octave chords" (more on octave chords below) or play riffs with open strings notes, to add further depth. A good example of this is the opening riffs to Easter, where he plays an open D string while also playing the 3rd and 5th fret of the A string.

^{Octave Chords: Octave chords is famously used in punk rock and alt rock riffs, and is when you play the same note in two different octaves. Try play a bar chord on the 4th fret of the A string, and lifting your ring finger off the D string. You should get a "C# octave chord" and will recognise it from the intro of Haruka Kanata. Octave chords are used in many Ajikan songs and by many bands, so they are good to practice!}

In more recent albums, Gotch has also experimented with moving chord shapes across the fretboard. For good examples, check out the opening of Caterpillar or the bridge section of Kouya Wo Aruke.
Gotch's guitar tends to be lower in the overall mix, with Kita acting as the band's lead guitarist and Gotch as the anchor for each song. However, Gotch tends to improvise with ambient sounds during live performances and occasionally will take on the lead role in songs like Hold Me Tight.

GUITARS:

When it comes to guitars Gotch almost exclusively plays Gibson Les Paul Jr's with P-90 pickups, and has been his preferred guitar since 2004. The P-90 pickups have a bright midrange sound in comparison to the muddier humbucker sound, which makes them better suited for Gotch's focus on chords.
Gotch main guitar is the 1959 Gibson Les Paul Special
The Les Paul Jr is also lighter and have less sustain and power compared to a normal Les Paul, which leaves space for the other instruments to stand out in the mix.
Gotch's main guitar is a 1959 Gibson Les Paul Special, which he plays in E Standard tuning and uses for both recording and live performances. Gotch also uses a 1961 Gibson Les Paul Jr (with the pickguard missing) or a 2000 Gibson Les Paul DC (with a gloss yellow finish) for songs in Eb/D# tuning, such as After Dark or Soredewa, Mata Ashita.
Gotch's is also famous for using a 1975 Gibson Marauder during the band's early years. Gotch has mostly retired the guitar (due to the "lack of volume" for larger venues), but it regularly appears in MV's, band merchandise and occasionally during special events, such as the 10th anniversary shows in Yokohama.
Gotch's Gibson Marauder
Gotch occasionally uses a few rarer guitars live, such as the Gibson Custom Les Paul Junior John Lennon model (Gotch has number 54 of 300 such guitars made), and is normally played with a capo for songs such as Maigo Inu To Ame No Beat.
Gotch has also used a Gibson Hummingbird for acoustic numbers, and can be seen used in Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol.6 for the band's performance of Kaigan Doori. Gotch likes to use Tortex Flex .88mm & Tortex Flex Triangle .88mm guitar picks, which he swaps between depending on the song.
If you are looking to sound like Gotch, the best place to start would be a Les Paul Jr guitar with P-90 pickups.

AMPLIFIERS:

After originally touring with a Roland JC-22, Gotch has almost exclusively played Fender amplifiers since 2004. Gotch uses two amps when playing live, one for his "clean" sound and the other for his "heavy" sound.
The band's often implement a "quiet/loud" dynamic into their song writing, so Gotch will often switch between his amps during live performances, using a custom made footswitch on his pedalboard. (A good example of this is Mustang or Solanin)
For his clean tone, Gotch uses a Fender 65' Twin Custom Twin 15. It can be heard on Korogaru Iwa, Kimi ni Asa Ga Furu, Solanin and Wonder Future. Occasionally, Gotch will combine the Twin Reverb with a boost pedal or overdrive pedal for more clarity, with Wonder Future a good examples of this.
(1) Fender '65 Twin Custom 15 (clean tone), (2) Fender Vibro-King Custom, (3) Fender Super-Sonic 60 Head (which uses the Vibro-King as a speaker), (4) Fender '63 Spring Reverb (which runs in between the pedal board and the Super-Sonic 60, and is toggled on or off by a switch)
For his heavier tone, Gotch primarily uses a Fender Vibro-King Custom for recording and appears in most of the band's MV's. The Vibro-King/Twin Reverb was Gotch's main setup during the 2000's and can be seen together on Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol. 6.
In 2009 Gotch started to use a Fender Super-Sonic 60 Amp Head and still uses it now. Until 2022, Gotch would use Vibro-King as a "cabinet", acting as the speaker unit for the Super-Sonic. Gotch now uses a Shinos & L Rocket Head for live shows, but has kept the Vibro-king for recording sessions and MVs.
Since 2022 Gotch has used Shinos & L Rocket amp & cabinet instead of the Fender Vibro-King
Gotch "heavy" amps for songs such as Re:Re:, Haruka Kanata and Rewrite. It is important to note that Gotch prefers to use his amps to create his distorted tone, but will occasionally add an overdrive pedal for heavier tracks such as Blood Circulator & Easter.
Alongside the Twin Reverb and Super-Sonic, Gotch is known to use a Fender 63' Spring Reverb Unit. This unit only runs into the Super-Sonic and is used for additional reverb to "thicken the sound". Gotch can control the 63' Reverb with a on/off switch on his pedal board.
Other notable amps that Gotch has used are the Matchless C30 & Bad Cat 30R Head. Both have been used exclusively for recording, most notably on Wonder Future. Gotch is also known to use VOX AC15 amps for recording.
Gotch's '63 Spring Reverb Unit, along with a selection of Vortex Flex .88m picks

In terms of mics, Gotch seems to use a Shure SM57 for his Fender Twin Reverb and a Shure SM58 on his Vibro-King or Shinos Rocket. When you are trying to emulate his sound with modelling or profiling amps, it is worth experimenting with mic positioning and different mics.

If you want to replicate Gotch's amp sound then you should look to replicate his Fender amps. However the Vibro-King is a key component and are unfortunately rare, notoriously loud and expensive. For that reason, I have put together some alternatives that should get you close.

PEDALS & EFFECTS:

During Ajikan's early years, Gotch combined a Roland JC-22 with a ProCo RAT to create the "quiet/loud" dynamic of the band's early records. After buying the Fender Vibro-King in 2004, Gotch no longer required the RAT, but kept a simplified pedalboard to achieve certain tones for live performances.
Gotch's 2004 pedalboard, which includes the ProCo RAT and Ibanez TS9 Tube Screamer
We will cover two different pedalboards that Gotch has used during the band's career. Regardless of which pedal board you look at, Gotch's has always included an overdrive or boost pedal, a phase pedal and a delay pedal.
The boost/overdrive is used to "lift" his clean sound during ballads (Solanin, Wonder Future) or to thicken his sound for heavier tracks. (Senseless, Dororo) Gotch will normally set the drive or gain low and the volume high.
The phaser is a more sparingly used pedal to add texture and colour, but can be heard on Shinkokyū, Blue Train and Rewrite. I will include more detail on Gotch's use of delay in the sections below.
Gotch's "Classic" Pedalboard
Gotch \"classic\" pedalboard, used between 2006-2013, with Gotch's custom made footswitch on the bottom left to control the amps
Gotch started to use this "classic" board during the Fanclub tour and continued to do so until the 10th Anniversary shows in 2013. This would be the easier and more affordable board to replicate for newcomers.
Gotch's setup started with a BOSS TU-3 tuner, which he also used as a "mute" pedal in between songs. From there, his chain would run into the Ibanez TS808 Tube Screamer, the BOSS PH-2 Super Phaser and the BOSS DD-20 Giga Delay. During the Magic Disk tour, Gotch also added a Custom Audio Tremolo.

^{The BOSS DD-20 has been Gotch's main delay pedal for twenty years and is set to "warp". On the warp setting, Gotch can keep his foot on the pedal to create swells of delays. Gotch's standard setting is 173-179bpm (beats per minute} on 1/4 (quarter) notes and then he has four presets. These are 137bpm on 1/4 (for the intro of Blackout), 154bpm on 1/4 (for Kakato de Ai o Uchinarase), 177bpm on 1/2 (for Solanin and the intro of Siren) and finally 177 on 1/4. (For the second half of Siren))

Gotch also included two footswitches for his board; The first one was a handmade footswitch, which he used to swap between the Twin Reverb and the Vibro-King/Super-Sonic. The other footswitch was a BOSS FS-5L, which he used to control the '63 Spring Reverb Unit.
Gotch's "Modern" Pedalboard
Gotch's \"modern\" pedal board.【Pedal List】(1) api/TranZformer GT (compressoequalizer) (2) BOSS/TU-3 (tuner) (3) Spaceman Effects/Atlas III (preamp) (4) BOSS/DD-6 (delay) (5) Spaceman Effects/Voyager I (tremolo) (6) EarthQuaker Devices/Avalanche Run (delay/reverb) (7) Mu-Tron/Mu-FX Phasor 2X (phaser) (8) Caroline Guitar Company/KILOBYTE (9) BOSS/DD-20 (delay) (10) Handmade/Line Selector (11) FAT/514.D (booster)(12) strymon/Zuma R300 (power supply) (13)BOSS/EV-30 (Expression Pedal) (14) BOSS/FS-5L (foot switch)
During the recording of Wonder Future and his first solo album (Can't Be Forever Young), Gotch began to experiment more with boutique pedals, and has resulted in a more complex board since 2014, allowing more ambient experiments on the band's records and during live performances.
Gotch has added a API Tranzformer GT to the start of his chain, only using the E.Q. section and tweaking the settings for each venue.
Gotch's "Modern" board now includes a variety of delay and reverb pedals, such as the Earthquaker Device Avalanche Run and the Caroline Kilobyte Lo-Fi Delay. These are combined with his DD-20 to create the ambient sounds heard on Empathy & the outro of Demachiyanagi Parallel Universe.
The BOSS DD-6 Digital Delay is set to the "reverse" mode and is used during the intro of Re:Re: and the bridge of Rewrite. Gotch has removed the Tube-Screamer from his board and has experimented with multiple alternative pedals, which includes the Xotic Effects AC Plus and JHS Superbolt.
He currently uses the Atlas III Preamp Booster and the FAT 514.D for his overdrive sounds. The 514.D only runs to the Super-Sonic to help "thicken" the distorted tone of the Super-Sonic.
Gotch has also replaced the Super Phaser with the MU-FX Phasor 2x and is using a Voyager I Spaceman for his tremolo. (UCLA & No Name are good references for the tremolo) Finally, Gotch has added an BOSS EV-30 expression pedal, which he uses to control the delay of the Avalanche Run.
If you are looking to replicate Gotch's pedalboard, the best place to start would be a phaser, delay and a boost/overdrive pedal, which would cover most of Ajikan's Discography.

Sound Like Gotch...On a Budget

Now that you are up to speed on what Gotch uses for his guitar rig, we can start to look at replicating his sound. The idea of this section is to offer affordable suggestions to replicate Gotch's tone that can be used for home use and for small live venues.
I would like to highlight that I am just writing as a fan and the equipment I recommend are purely my own recommendations. I do not have any sponsors (I wish I did sometimes) and if you find alternatives that work for you, go for it!
Gotch performing in 2022, during the Quarter Century shows in Yokohama
To buy Gotch's current pedal board alone would cost roughly £2,500 and would be unrealistic for most readers to purchase, however there are options that can get us close to Gotch's tone without breaking the bank.
The key elements to this rig are:

• A Gibson style guitar with P-90 pickups
• A Fender amp with decent distortion
• A Tube-Screamer style overdrive
• A flexible Delay pedal

Let's start with the guitar, which is both important for the P-90 tone. You should always feel comfortable when playing the guitar you pick, so I recommend trying out the guitar when possible before buying.
GUITARS
As an affordable guitar, I would suggest looking at the Epiphone Les Paul Jr. It is the entry level price for Gibson guitars (Epiphone would be the equivalent to "Squier" for Fender) and includes P-90 pickups as the standard setup. You can buy one for around £380 and should also be fairly easy to modify & similar to Gotch's sound.
Epiphone Les Paul Junior
If you do have a higher budget to work with, I would recommend the Gibson Les Paul Special Tribute DC. These were released in 2019 and you can normally find a 2nd hand version for roughly £650 - £800. (It is also the guitar I currently use!) Failing that, you can also look at the Gibson Les Paul Special for around £800.
Gibson Les Paul Special Tribute DC
AMPLIFIERS
We are looking to replicate Gotch's Fender amps, so the affordable option to start with would be the Fender Mustang GTX. The newer Mustang amps are an improvement on the original and have simulations of the Twin Reverb, the Vibro-King and the Super-Sonic.
The GTX 50 (which has a smaller speaker) is roughly £390 and the GTX 100 (which includes a footswitch) is about £510, but you should be able to find both versions for a reduced cost second hand.
Fender Mustang GTX 100
If you do have a higher budget or prefer to use a tube amp, I would recommend going for the Fender Super-Sonic Combo or the Fender Hot Rod Deluxe for a solid distorted Fender tone.
Alternatively, you could consider the Fender Blues Junior, Fender Tone Master Twin-Reverb or Roland JC, and combine them with a ProCo RAT to replicate the tones from Houkai Amplifier and Kimi Tsunagi Five M.
PEDALS
To keep the list of suggestions short and simple, we will use Gotch's "classic" board as a reference and will cover most of the band's discography.
For a budget rig, I would recommend the Ibanez Tube-Screamer Mini, which is a miniature version of the standard Ibanez Tube-Screamer and sound great for the price. You could pair this up with a Boss Phase Shifter and a BOSS DD-6 Delay for around £309 brand new to get a very similar Gotch board. (You could buy them for as low as £110 combined on the 2nd hand market)
The Tube Screamer Mini is a cheap, effective overdrive pedal based on the classic TS808
For a more expensive pedalboard, the JHS Superbolt V2 was used by Gotch extensively between 2015-2019 and was once described by Gotch as "the Ajikan sound" on his blog. You could also buy the TS808 Tube Screamer that Gotch actually used for many years or the JHS Bonsai 9 which emulates multiple tube screamers.
For modulation sounds (phase, tremolo) the AmpliTube X-Vibe is one of many great multi-effect pedal on the market. If you have the money for it, you could buy a BOSS DD-20 second hand or the BOSS DD-200 to emulate Gotch's delay sound.
If you decided to go with the Mustang GTX, you would also have a selection of effects built into the amp.
THE TONE MASTER PRO? (and amp simulators)
As a final recommendation, Fender have recently released the Tone Master Pro (TMP), which is a multi effects and amp simulator.
It can be used as a device for home recording, but also as multi effects pedal in front of a standard amp or as your main amplifier when played through a IR cabinet. (I'll go into more detail in a bit!) The TMP are not cheap at £1400, so I would only advise buying one if you plan to use it as your main amp and effects board.
If you have the budget and was starting your rig from scratch I would consider checking it out, as it includes great simulations of the Twin Reverb and Vibro-King. They are also easy to transport & the Fender IR cabinets only weigh 12.5kg. (For comparison, my VOX AC15 weighs 30kg and is a nightmare to transport for shows)
The TMP is Fender's first amp simulator pedal and from what I understand the Quad Cortex DSP, the Line 6 Helix series and the Headrush Pedalboard are more popular choices. However, for the purpose of "sounding like Gotch", I would start with the TMP for its Fender selection and simplicity
The Fender Tone Master Pro can be used to simulate multiple amps & as a pedalboard for live performances

^{If you decide to buy a Amp Simulator Pedal, there are 3 common ways to use it for band practices & live settings. (Outside of just using headphones or running straight to front of house at a venue})
^{Option 1: Only use the effects on the Amp Simulator and run it into a standard amp. (Make sure to not use the cabinets settings within the pedal when doing this} You could still use the amps, however it will not always sound great with a normal amp)
^{Option 2: Use the Amp Simulator as your main amp and combining with a standard guitar cabinet. In order to do this, you will need to buy a separate power amp pedal to run in between the amp simulator and the guitar cabinet. (Otherwise you will not have any volume or oomph when you play through the cabinet})
^{Option 3: Buy a IR Cabinet. The difference between this and Option 2 is that you would not need to buy a separate power amp pedal to run into the speaker. The Fender FR-10/12 & Line 6 Powercab are good examples.}

Recommended Amp Settings

The following amp settings are based on photos gathered from live performances or from photos of Gotch's social media. Every amp will slightly differ based on your guitar or playing style, so you may need to tweak with your settings to find the right blend.
My personal advice is to not put the gain too high and to start with getting the treble and bass settings where you feel comfortable, before tweaking the mids. The P-90s have a strong midrange attack, so bear that in mind as well.
Gotch's Vibro-King and Super-Sonic
Fender '65 Twin Custom 15:
(Plugged into Vibrato 1) Vol: 3, Treble: 3.5-4, Mid: 6.5, Bass: 3.5
Fender Super-Sonic 60 Head:
Channel 1: Vol: 3.5, Treble: 4-4.5, Bass: 5
Channel 2: Vintage setting ON, Gain 1: 4, Gain 2: 0, Treble: 5-5.5, Bass: 4.5-5, Mid: 5.5, Vol: 5.5-6
Fender Vibro-King Custom (as cabinet):
Plug into the speaker input at the back of the amp, with FAT switch on.
Fender Vibro-King Custom (as amplifier):
(FAT ON) Vol: 3, Treble: 4.5, Bass: 4, Mid: 5.5 (Based on Eizo Sakushin Shu Vol.6 settings)
OR
(FAT ON) Vol: 4.5 Treble: 4 Bass: 5 Mid: 4.5
Shinos & L Rocket Head:
Gain: 7, Treble: 8, Bass: 3, Reverb: 0, Master: 7

Conclusion

I hope this has been helpful for you guys, as it has been on my bucket list for some time! Please provide some feedback as it is always appreciated and if you would like more details about the effect settings let me know.
[Update] I have now written a post on Kita's rig and Yamada's rig, which you can read below:
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Sound Like Part 2: Kita : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)
ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION Sound Like Part 3: Yamada : AsianKungFuGeneration (reddit.com)

Looking for a (weird?) wife, and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to have multiple wives or not I am saying this for your due consideration.
I have dark hair white skin, am underweight 5’6 with acne scars
NSFW questions in DMs bc Idk if its allowed to talk about on this sub. details in DMs for this reason unless i get confirmation that it's ok.
I have autism, OCD, ADHD, synesthesia and others (all self diganosed but i have obvious things idk if i should get into that)
I don’t mind piercings, I enjoy them, but someone is not more or less attractive for not having them. I don’t like gauges and some of those extreme circles and cuts. I don’t have any body modifications nor had planned to make any.
I don’t mind tattoos at any place either besides health concerns n I doint have any either.
I don’t like when ppl have big round lumps of flesh that stick out, I do mean big, small/medium maybe ok or even attractive
Need to find her attractive without make up – yes I do mean without make up and there are women who I find attractive without and I do mean without make up of any age. I don’t think I care if she wears make up or not, but I have concerns it’s toxic and the other one if I turn out to be hypersensitive or irritated by it because I am autistic.
I don’t care about race or ethnicity or nationality or anything or location.
I don’t mind how she decides to cut or dye her hair, besides that im concerned about toxins and damage, but I am not imposing on her.
I like appreciate and enjoy alternative fashion (and before it was cool), ive also liked fashion that some alt people have called “too basic" (which may partially be their own insecurity), i just like what looks good. There is fashion I find too basic and kind of anti fashion in that sense too maybe bc I feel like is what people who don’t want to be judged for being anything thats not basic would wear. I don’t like it when people are mean to others based on what they wear or other pointless hierarchical stuff like that.
I don’t recall ever saying “cover up” (regarding clothing), especially wouldnt say it in an imposing way I don’t like to talk in impositions that kill a person’s invidivuality or there’s smth like you know that feels like it kills you when someone commands you. I don’t like to impose on people in that way.
If she cheats, Im not gonna attack, physically emeotionally or otherwise abuse , im not looking to hurt someone I love (besides BDSM and that stuff you know). Men have been allowed to have many wives but wives only 1 husband. I didn’t become christian bc I wanted to opress or restrict women but I believe bad things happen when you sin.
Is reflective and tries to not mistreat others
body count? Isn’t it irrelevant if she’s the right one, I never cared if she’d be a virgin until I understood more about christianity and the spirit world.
I need to be properly emotionally supported, and I want and hope to be good in her life too. I can also have irrational emotions where ik now something is not so but I am procsesing those emotions a certain way you know.
I am interested in very dark and mature topics and things, even if there are times where I may not be able to handle them properly.
Ive been interested in esoterics, occult and c0n5p1r4c135 and I do believe the c0n5p1r4c135 are real and this is important to me.
I don’t care if she talks to others to men or has male friends, idk if I even carei if she’s flirting, there’s no intention to cheat so why would I care??
I can flirt with others too but I haven’t done it much out of concern of leading them on + it doesn’t by itself have any intentions to do anything further. i can be possessive but it will be in the cute way and it can be fun to tease or be teased like that maybe idk but i dont want ot be abusive posessive.
i have female friends she can have male friends that doesn't mean anything and i find the discussions regarding that ridiculous, maybe very low vibrational or of low conscience. i havent done anything with any of them ever except with 1 who is kinda like a relationship but there's painful and difficult topic and even then not physically tho we never met physically.
If its God’s will for her to be with me and she messes up then I will just forgive her. I don’t care to check her phone besides out of curiosity, I think all those games are very below me and maybe obviously should be below anyone who claims to be in a christian marriage, granted im careful regarding eating my words.
I have to eat mostly carnivore diet with vegetables, some fruits and carbs sometimes for my health, but I have nothing against vegans if they are actaully healthy, also I know a lot of ppl can not be healthy on a vegan diet based on long story also some even on the carnivore maybe, im open to sharing details at some point but maybe not worth it here.
ethically wild, I can handle dark humor, I have enjoyed it and used it a lot myself, im not legalistic christian (if you know what that is) but im still trying to be right than wrong so I want discernment on the issue and how to handle it, if smth is actually wrong then I will try to just not do it.
I don’t care if she shaves or not.
I don’t like it when ppl make the same kind of jokes or have the same locked in interests that don’t evolve or aren’t inherently somehow stimulating and genuine. For example ofc I understand enjoying the same food or listening to the same music (except ofc that can get old at some point). I understand what feels samey to a person can vary between people and across time, but I don’t think I mean that. If a bunch of ppl make the same kind of jokes and turn it into something hierarchical and baisc, like they think everything else is dumb cuz theyh aren’t open to perspectives, ideas, growth and improvement hence they fixate on doing the same thing thats too bland over and over.
A lot of ppl have very juvenile if thats even the right word mentality to look down on others for vapid reasons including interests, when you don’t even understand them. while ive had those intrusions I figured its wrong and foolish to just give into such a lowly hostile urge, whilst I understand being overwhelmed and misreacting/just getting mad at smth for no raeson but u can figure out u shouldn’t be mad or its not that deep.
Ive looked donw on ppl for thing I saw as them being lowly about it like getting high off of the same joke instead of improving ur brain cuz I think u can even feel like when u are stupidifying urself and ingoring improvements just to do the same thing over and over again, like u can prolly feel like smth inside telling u maybe u should look elsewhere now or this could be betteur losing cognition bc ur stupidifying urself. I understand again being overwhelmed and looking for some stability but I don’t think that susually it. Al ot of those ppl may be doing the same stupid things to be liked by others and t hus disingenuous to their real self, bc as soon as u start growing improving going in different directions ppl start getting weirded out and ostracizing u. I look down on that.
I don’t need her to shave. Idk if I wont find some body hair too extreme, but so far I haven’t
! respect boundaries. If one of us doesn’t want something or anyhthing at all be it months or years even that should be respected. This is for love first not exploitation. Not any exploitation from either side and look for each other’s well being.
I want to have her walk around the place flashing me, trying to tease me and show off her body in various and subtle ways. She can be naked too if she wants or wear anything she wants
I think how someone moves can be very attractive and also developed, this goes for me too
I want to learn to dance so we can have fun and I can arouse her
I think women have qualities and do things in a way I value, enjoy and admire
I think men and women have different patterns in positive and negative ways (with individual differences of course too) and analysing them and acknowledging them with honest attempt to understand is not wrong, while exploitation abuse and denial is wrong.
if im smarter than her I recognize she can have important and valuable things to say, similarly if she’s smarter than me she also doesn’t know everything and isn’t abusive about it
about money, I have wanted money to help myself and others, not out of greed I think.
I have thought of if I need or have to or if its better to to live in the right kind of community. Takes a village to raise a child but maybe even to function, maybe the people who function not in it are the abnormal ones. I don’t think of a cold community or one that forces warmth and makes you sick, there’s a kind of higher understanding or spirituality.
I don’t mind if she’s richer smarter or more competent than me. I however want to be richer smarter and more competent regarding improving myself and growing, not to feel less insecure than her, and of course I want those things so ican be able to support her and others too anyway.
I don’t mind if she’s a girlboss or not or whatever I think its irrelevant and If she has gifts and drive and doing God’s will why would that be bad? Of course I don’t want her to be stressed out
I don’t wear deodorant or fake odors, maybe if they were natural or non toxic. I also don’t like perfume and would prolly prefer if she doesn’t use it but idk.
I think children are a very serious matter, over time in my life I was thinking about how I’d do things differently and how I’d treat children and communicate and teach them, and I’d feel like I’d see how other ppl are failing children and also children are not attempting to learn how to treat their future children or other children or ppl better like it’s weird but I think someone is going to get what I mean. Bc of my physical and mental issues I am concerned how well I wil lbe able to take care of children of course I hope to improve and God to heal me.
I don’t want my weird movements adjustments or whatever to be judged.
I don’t mind pets or maybe even can enjoy them but again am a bit concerned about my health issues. I don’t have allergies to animals that I know of. I don’t like making their health worse I don’t like selective breeding for that reason unless you’re selecting for improving health maybe.
I am usually not afraid of bugs but I don’t like killing them. If its pests like bed bugs or some kind of infestation it can make sense, but I don’t like killing random harmless spiders or others. Maybe if harmful even I’d prefer to take them away. No im not afraid of bees or wasps esp if they are alone or very small numbers, tho I may prefer to not be around a hive.
emotionally sophisticated and doesn’t criticize my whining, while my whining isn’t attempting to get her attention, pull or control her. If I need some sort of emotional support I can ask and if she is able to provide it then she is, and if she has to prioritize something else I understand and I mean I genuinely understand. Emotional support should be mutual and not leeching. I understand it may not be completely equal or if its not possible to be, but we should both care as much as we can in our respective situations.
needs to care about her health, I don’t mean exercise and exercises can be damaging and forced too, thus again neesd to care to even know of that/unless she’s managing to be really fine anyway. I am not against smokers or alcoholics, but I’d prefer it if she stops. I want her to be happy and healthy.
If she’s over or underweight bc of health issues I understand
I don’t drive part related to health issues and concern it may be too dangerous for me to drive.
God first. I don’t believe anything works without him.
I won’t k1ll her if she cheats nor 4bus3 her. I am saying bc I thought some men hide things and reveal them after they are deep. I don’t want ot be like that.
Ive had emotional and rage issues about perceived injustices (towards me and others, even when im not lcose to them or don’t know them. I have thought and speculated maybe I care more with strong emotions about ppl that I’ve never met or are very far away than most people directly that I have observed and felt out of place for it.) and I know sometimes I wasn’t actually right other times I wanted to know what is the right thing to do say and experss cuz I had thoughts like if I hurt them they wont get better, they may even get worse, I don’t even enjoy hurting ppl especially in the brain or if its smth permanent (even if I believe God can heal, ive even had angry thoughts ofc like if He can heal why don’t I beat these wrong doers up cuz they have no qualms about doing it to others unfairly He can just heal them, I also thought if I had the right words and perception I could lead them away from their wicked ways) , and sometimes I wasn’t able to, ive physically hurt people out of being pushed too much and rage and with that I think I have let people off and not confronted them a lot in part bc I wasnt sure if I was even right to confront them other parts bc ofc of fear they will mistreat me if I reveal I think what they did or said was wrong instead of discussing it and thinking about it/ they already expressed they didn’t care or justified it in twisted ways that im not sure I could argue with or if thats even human.
I have to live and I think everyone in a spacious place. Too narrow will cause muscle issues and variety of issues that will worsen over time you are not sick becaues you are old you are sick because you ignroe and distort your body. I didn’t last long at all, some ppl last longer than me just to make excuses that im lazy + their brain melts and they don’t use it much anyway so superficially they last.
Im anti v4xx I think a lot of health info is a scam and ive experienced it and saw others experience it, I think some things can be true or not have better ways at a moment to deal with some issues but it doesn’t mean its not inherently flawed or manipulated information to make u a lil bit less sick or make u sick in a different veiled way even if it makes it “better” in some kind of way, I don’t mean its ok to let someone die or suffer more bc of too much skepticism, my point is I believe in honesty and integirty cuz u cant heal soemone with lies,
and medicine like other sciences is corrupted . be careful and discerning unfortunately u cant leave ur health in the hands of conventional doctors u have to research and fight for urself.
I have experienced various synchonicities. I think God has helped me and guided me.
Throw things away and tidy when we’re ready to. Tired or health issues is not the same as lazy. No tartorship or tyranny about it. Im not growing black mold either ofc
if a woman gets SA’d, and she doesn’t want to tell exactly what happenned, but she wants help, is it right for her to be upset at you and hide information, provided you live in the 20^th century without internet and much media information, and if you don’t have personal experiences with SA or almost anyone has ever talked about it to you in your life, and you are just confused at why this person is refusing to communicate, and u have to take care of this and that issue, yet u don’t know if they are mad at u even for something that’s not even your fault or related to you if that happens a lot, then then u pressure her too much and now she’s hurt, you didn’t even think to make the situation accessible bc u’ve never even heard about that. If someone has an issue and they don’t tell your previous experiences and imagination so far suggest that they have stolen smth or messed up smth and don’t want to talk out of selfishness, not even bc they are scared of you.
I think I have went through humiliation, and doing things I didn’t want to, and failure to do what I wanted and weakness, to the point of not being able to process things and I think losing braincells and personality bc of it, trying to recover it and my functioning and health. I think most ppl are too fake and superficial, not learning anything maybe. Not reflecting, not trying, if they have gone throuhg something like that I think some people amy be just letting themselves go insane and hurt others while in denial instead of processing it, while I understad how difficult is to process it especially when people around you shame you and oppress you for it. I think I need someone who has at least the cognitive understanding for that. I don’t want to put others down for enjoying things.
Ive liked variety of media and art over time, vareity of criticising it and ideas of improving it too, and lately after understanding more about the world and Jesus Christ some of it was interestingly seen in different light. Also over the years I may have seen media nad the world in different light. I have synesthesia autism, adhd and maybe some form of OCD, besides maybe others. I’ve beebn able to induce things in my mind and some information that seemed so obvious to me others had said they realized from psychedelics, you have probably already heard some people’s minds can work like that too. Well some of the media is ofc immature since it doesn’t align with christian principels that seem true after trying to understand more and and a lot of the media is for brainwashing
ive wanted to do art music dancing and others but have struggled with health issues that I hope to resolve. If she wants to do any I am generally worried about toxicity from paint so I wouldn’t use it and wouldn’t recommend using it.
Semi ex astrologer. Bc im not sure if its all considered divination since I’ve had synchonicities related to it that I’ve felt like or wondered if God sent them to me. I do think He communicates with us somehow in various ways.
I think its importan tto be able to explain to a child why something is or isnt a certain way, bc I felt alienated from a lot of christians who just seemed to “know” things and judge things as evil or whatever with no explanation and cringe when I ask for one. I als orealize it can be hard to talk about, both bc of the content, how traumatising can be to think about again and again from an adult’s perspective + being too busy or struggle too much, not able to expalin anyinthg and everything one thinks.
I have health issues that can make it hard to think or process emotions bc of maladjustment in my cranial bones related to the whole body and pinched nerves and wiring issues, that I hope to resolve , and may need miracle healing for some of the damage, this is also why i write this way in the state i am its difficult and straining to write and use the exact corrects words and format everything in perfect order
I don’t want to hold her back from God in any way.
I sought for spiritual answers if spirituality was real until I started figuring out more and then about witchcraft, but I observed patterns in my life regarding a sin I was commiting and other reasons that made me think that it can’t be a coincidence any more + someone claiming he stopped m4g1c p0rt4l by saying “Christ is King” (but I will say Jesus Christ) and that the bible was telling the truth. The bible had upset me before in part due to things taken out of context and difficulty understanding, and of course Jesus does things a bit differently than the old testament, even if the law is still important, He teaches forgiveness.
I care a lot about the gifts of the spirit and the presence of God in my life but also in everyone else’s.
I think awareness or pcoessing of emotional nuance and self control are attractive as well as being free spirited but not exploitative
I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs I don’t even take medicine nor intend to for the most part, I don’t judge anyone who does but I’d discourage them. If my wife does I’d discourage her, I wont pester her about it unless I get discernment that I should and that it will be helpful, but I won’t judge her and I never judged anyone who did, except when they were hypocrites. I have never ingested more than a small cup iirc, if even that from alcohol and only on occassions, and then barely on any occassions. I have never smoked a cig or a joint or anything besides 2^nd hand air. I stopped taking medication for illnesses years ago and I only took sweet drugs as a child bc they were sweet after being told not to.
I have however engaged in various parts and ways of PMO for various reasons
I think everything we have is given to us by God, or if we eorked for it opportunities or what was needed to achieve it was also given, so no one can be proud.
I have done weird things for health, personal amusement and other reasons includingi finding people who may relate and enjoy them but have been accused of attention seeking and I find that deeply repulsive because im sorry for trying to find people to connect with? I didn’t push things that others arent intersted in on them, I was jst trying to exist, some ppl don’t make the difference bc they have a really small world and don’t even think about others much and why they do what they do thus make the wrong assumtpions and attempt to harass and antagonize you. I find that very repulsive simultaneously ive known what other people’s intentions and results of actions and thoughts would be, and they would be confused and hostile towards me for acting like I know them, but I DID. And what I thought would happen happenned so I was just used and hurt and bc they are soo deep in to their own mess they don’t realize what they are doing wrong and a lot of the time don’t even remember that I said what would happen. Ive spent too much time and effort on ppl hoping they would change. I am not looking to be used up by a partner nonetheless. I don’t pretend to know everyhting or be perfecct but I think some ppl are so lost, esp after ive been also judged for my mistakes and not explained like I deserve respect so many times.
Narcissist abuse mention below line warning. Hoenstly you shouldn’te ven read it because I am concerned it may just upset you. I am posting it because I think its important to show that I am aware. Specifiaclly mentions narcissistic “whatever” podcast men who project it on the women.
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Ive had a habit over the years of engaging with media that infuriates me bc I overthink how to react in those situations bc I don’t understand how that in front of me can be a human being with a brain who cares about others and if I showed distress or anger I’d be judged and harassed for it again, despite them being harassers and controllers I nthe first place, and I am afraid of forgetting about it and walking into such situation and being unable to control it. For example the “whatever” podcast the narcissist men were saying in an imposing way how a woman only thinks for herslf bc she wanted to be aborted bc her mother didn’t have neough money to raise her. Obviously u need money to raise someone properly for various reasons, and if he himself odenst understand that a lot of ppl like that are controlling demanding and imposing, while bitter about the sacrifices their toxic environmetns forced them to make (or they made out of their own inferiority hopelessness and lack of faith) or weere actually spoiled, but bc of that they imposed themselves on other people bc I know such ppl and how they grow up and how they treat other children, and are “thankful for being alive”, but obviously don’t have enough empathy for someone who is emotionally intelligent and has struggled to not be exactly like them, bnc those ppl also harass and abuse minorities and vulnerable groups and I have storie about that dotn wanna get into, and they pretend they don’t know what im saying when I do. No I shouldn’t have to remember everything u did and ddi wrong with ur life to expali nto you how you are mistreating me and beg for you to stop. This is a narcissist. I don’t like abortion after understanding that it’s actually alive very early own and has a soul already I think or smth, but before I didn’t know that when I was more justifying it, but I can explain to someone, instead of abusing them into making them lose any ounce of respect for themselves, bc growing up in harsh environment can also often invite other people to mistreat you, even if not always the case.
Bc of ppl like that cotnrolling my own life Ive also had a lot of bitterness and thoughts of revenge and this is part realted to my health issues, and there’s evil that I don’t know if ppl do it just bc they don’t understand genuinely, bc its demons or bc they have to be done something actually important for. I knew better as a child than 30 something year old men, and I have all these issues and I am still better, how can they justify it now? So I have wanted discernment regarding what should be done about various issues. No I will not talk to you or bother you with the dark stuff over and over again I even try to avoid it or build self control bc it can make you go insane im just putting it here to show that I am at least aware and thoughtful of that.

I’m a 22 year old female he’s a 48 year old male. I’m a basic and he’s a paramedic. We’ve both been in the game for about 3 years. He’s a horrific driver (tried to fucking kill us), likes to diagnose patients with zero imagining, has no capacity recognize that he might be wrong, and is disrespectful as hell as to anyone and everyone.
When we met, he explained to me that he was working on being less of a perfectionist and less nitpicky to his partners. He told me that he had a lot of issues with partners at a nearby company and eventually left for whatever reason. I took into account that he is a perfectionist, but I didn’t fully grasp the extent of his “perfectionism.” I’m a super open and accepting person. I can work with just about anyone. This guy is insane. He has two DUIs, an open container charge, and a felony. He also has a legal guardian. The reason for his conservatorship isn’t pubic but I’m going to assume it has something to do with the fact that he’s fucking crazy. His ex wife has a restraining order against him.
He’s PHYSICALLY abusive. I asked him (kindly) to stop pushing the gurney into me. He kept running into me with it and it was impacting our ability to cohesively operate the gurney. I was more than willing to work on resolving the issue, but I was met with hostility and aggression. He then intentionally pushed it into me MORE and pushed me into the pole to type the code in outside of the hospital (with both of the patient’s bare feet pressed against my arms and my butt pressed against the gurney). I had already requested if we could switch sides and he states “I guess you’re not even capable of holding a gurney” in a condescending tone. He did not let me switch sides. Another time, instead of asking me to move over or saying “excuse me” while I was in his way, he threw an elbow into me. This was the point where I began to see that he was frustrated with me. The reason he was frustrated is because he asked me to put the patient on the monitor and fire told me to wait until we got her downstairs (she was on fire’s monitor at the time). I listened to fire’s direction since he had exited the room to retrieve something from the truck. I thought that he would understand. He was unable to see that I took direction from the other paramedics on scene and he viewed this as disobedience/disrespect.
His “perfectionism” seems to be rooted within the inability to recognize an alternative perspective. For example, he tells me that he places IVs into the external jugular vein “all the time.” An RN at the hospital tries to call his bluff and he DOUBLES DOWN on his claim. The RN explains how this is incredibly risky and should only be done in dire situations. He argues that it’s not risky and that people even request them. The RN explains to me that he was a paramedic for several years before becoming a nurse, and that my partner should NOT be doing EJs as often as he says he is. He continues to argue and the nurse challenges him on his IV skills. The nurse brings out an ultrasound and asks him to use it to get an IV on a tough stick. He agrees and tries to use the ultrasound machine to get an IV on a random person after we had already been status checked (when we’ve been at the hospital for 30+ minutes and dispatch wants us to go available). He was ultimately unsuccessful.
He thinks that I cannot help lift patients. We had a call where a 255lb woman fell and couldn’t get up. I got into the typical front lifting position, he got behind her, and then he told me to step aside because he’ll be the only one lifting anyway. Another time we were at the hospital doing a sheet transfer with an average weighted male. He got on one side, I got on the other, and he said “I can’t do this by myself, I’m gonna need some actual help.” He did this another time on a call when we were going to move a patient to the gurney. He asked a fireman to grab the left leg, the fireman was on the other side of the room and I was right there, so I took the initiative to grab the leg. He was really irritated about it. Nobody else was. It was an easy lift.
Horrific and dangerous driving: He opposed traffic at a high speed on a one lane airport ramp and narrowly avoided being hit. He told me to go to airport arrivals (after I objected!!). I let him know that the clearance was too low and I no longer feel comfortable navigating the situation. He proceeded to oppose traffic at 30-40mph down the worst possible path. It was a one-way ramp with a very narrow lane along a curve with zero visibility and zero space to pull over. Another vehicle began driving in reverse and the car behind that one had to swerve to avoid rear ending them. I yelled at him to turn around. He yelled back and said “there’s no room.” I told him to “make a 12 point turn if you need to.” He insisted on NOT using sirens to do this and I turned them on anyway. Not a single car on that ramp would be able to see that we were traveling head-on towards them at a high rate of speed due to the curve, but they’d be able to hear us with sirens. He complied and made a multiple-point turn (he fully backed into the curb while doing so), then drove into oversized parking. He proceeded to tell me (at the top of his lungs) to “shut the fuck up,” and yelled “I’m so done with you.” I explained to him that it was reasonable for me to be scared when he put us in a very dangerous situation. He screamed at me some more, we went into the call, got cancelled, then he called the supervisor. I went into the back of the ambulance for a minute to process what just happened, my partner was nowhere to be found, so I got in the driver’s seat and relayed cancel 851 by fire over the radio. He ripped open my door and said “get out. I’m driving.”
He told me I’m “disgusting” when I asked what I did wrong. He told me I was disgusting the day prior as well. I actually recorded the second one (I was recording because I was TERRIFIED and he was angry)
Became wildly offended when I let him know that he left a IM syringe+needle on the back of the gurney and that it fell out on the floor at the hospital. The nurse noticed it and became concerned. I didn’t say this with any sort of intention of offending him, but it did indeed offend him. Not only did he recap the used needle, he threw it on the back of the gurney and forgot about it.
He likes to sit in the EMS room and write his report while getting status checked multiple times as well. A supervisor even called him while we were in the EMS room and he lied to them by saying “we’re just now getting the patient off the gurney, we’ll go available soon.” We had unloaded the patient long before that and were completely ready to go available several minutes prior. This was the first time we worked together. On the 3rd shift we had together, I went into the EMS room and asked him if he knows that we have 30 minutes to go available (we had gotten status checked). I figured that he might just not be aware of the rule since he is still new to the company, but he took great offense to my question and stormed off. I thought that he was storming off to go available, but no, he was storming off to sit in the back of the ambulance and attempting to transmit his vitals. The service is poor at this particular, so vital transmission is slow IF it actually goes through. He somehow blames this on me, even though I’ve explained to him that they’ll transmit in an area with better reception. Obviously I still hit the ‘retry’ button several times to make him happy.
He became frustrated on our first shift when I preferred that we post within 1 mile of our post. He wanted to get food and I explained to him that we have to post within 1 mile of our assigned post. He called me a goody-two-shoes and I explained to him that I don’t want to get in trouble for posting more than a mile away.
He told me that he has been “warned” that I’ve been written up multiple times for behavioral issues as a means to justify him telling me to “shut the fuck up” about him opposing traffic in a very dangerous situation. I have never ONCE been written up for a behavioral issue. I asked if he was mistaking me for someone else or if he had received misinformation, but he continued to stonewall me. All forms of communication where he was not screaming at me, he was stonewalling me.
He never had my back. He waited in the truck while I was in a woman’s second floor apartment ama’ing her by myself. I was up there for a while because she was very talkative, and he never once came back up to check on me. On a different call, an ETOH male patient would not stop hitting on me. He saw that I was very uncomfortable and I motioned to him for help. He walked away without saying a word. This was a very unique experience, as just about every other provider that I’ve worked with had my back (male or female) when situations like this arose.
He accused me of flirting with the fire department instead of paying attention on calls. I don’t even know how to flirt. I just thought it was common courtesy to be friendly & helpful with the people you run calls with. I read the patient’s medications to fire when they asked if I had them which upset my partner as well.
Each time I tried to speak he intentionally raised his voice to talk over me and cut me off. I was not allowed to speak to patients whatsoever. I was to be seen not heard.
A fire crew complained to me about him on a call saying that he wouldn’t even let them finish the assessment they started. I do agree with them fully. Every time they tried to speak he just kept talking very loudly over the top of them.
Issues with a respiratory distress call for a 30/40 year old female: He got upset when he asked me to grab him an end tidal and I handed him a booger. Apparently he wanted the end tidal that connects to CPAP but did not verbalize this. On that same call, he asked fire to give the pt albuterol through the CPAP. The fireman asked for clarification on where the albuterol is supposed to go and he ignored it. The fireman dumped it into straight into the mask instead of the nebulizer and the patient started screaming that they swallowed all of it. He then stated that her lungs were completely full of fluid (to me, fire, and the hospital staff) and had me drive code 3 to the hospital. We got to the hospital and he starts shouting “where’s the bed, where are we taking her?!?” in a frantic tone. He does not wait for a response before we take her into a random room (that they did not agree to) and get her on the bed. Rapid imaging was done on the pt and the doctor said (in front of everyone at the nurses station) that the pt didn’t have any fluid in her lungs & it was an anxiety attack.
He accused me of playing “games” and pulling shenanigans throughout the entirety of our shift. Stonewalled me when I asked him to explain what/why/how I was pulling shenanigans because I was truly unaware of what I was doing that caused him to treat me so horribly. Communication was non-existent

Hello Reddit. First time to post here. I badly need advise but dont want to tell my friends and family about this.
My partner (37m) does not love me(30f) at all. We’re together 7 years and we have a son (5m) Im trying to figure out what his love language is, and I realized that the reason why I cant figure it out is because he doesnt feel anything for me.
I feel so trapped in our relationship even if we’re not married. I dont want my son to not have a father. But Im not happy anymore. I feel so little and so lonely and so unloved.
Just this mother’s day, he wouldnt have greeted me if I havent reminded him to greet his mom. When he’s away for work, (he’s an owneoperator of our van rental) he would never update me but I could see his messenger that he updates his friend group about his whereabouts. I told him many times to atleast update me whenever he stops somewhere because I worry about him, but he always says that he’s busy driving (but he could update his friends. Lol). So I stopped bothering him when he’s away. We used to argue about this but I taught myself to not care so much cause he doesnt.
One time he went to his aunt’s funeral for 2 days without updating me. (My son and I couldnt go). No calls, no texts, no chats. None at all. But I saw from his brother’s facebook live that he’s always holding his phone. When he got home, I asked him if it is so hard for him to check up on me and our child. Of course his response was that he’s busy with whatever he is doing there. I pointed out that I saw him holding his phone all the time but not once did he bother checking on us. He snapped at me and I dropped the issue.
He’s never intimate with me. Im not just talking about sex, but in all aspects. He doesnt like talking to me, he’s always on his phone. He doesnt hug or kiss me, I dont even remember a time when he held my hand, or walk beside me whenever we’re out. He never looks at me when we’re crossing the street. Whenever I ask him to pass me something, he wont give it to me directly, he will set it down within my reach even if handing it to me is easier. He always avoid my kisses and hugs. Either telling me that he havent showered yet or that the weather is too hot for all that. Lol. Sex was never great. He’s selfish.
I could never cry in front of him. When my father died in 2020, he wasnt even there for me. He left for work when he could’ve given the booking to one of his friends. Months after my dad died, I am still grieving and he asked me what Im crying about. He sees crying as weakness. He’s so insensitive to my feelings that I run and hide whenever I cry about something.
We dont really argue anymore. The only reason that our relationship is quiet is because we dont talk about our issues, instead we bury it. He is more like a roommate to me than a partner.
I always wonder what our lives would be once I leave him, but my heart really aches whenever I think of my son. He is still a loving father to him.
I dont really know what to do or how to start again. I dont believe in love and in marriage because of him. I dont know how to endure more years of this torture. I feel so trapped and drowing from all this negative emotions that I tried to hide from everyone. Both our families ask me when we would get married. I really dont know how to answer them so i would just change topic. If I get cornered, I just end up raising my voice telling them that I DONT WANT TO.
I know people will tell me that im stupid for staying despite of what Im feeling but my heart would ache more if I see my child asking about his father. They are close. I dont want to take that love away from my son.
I badly need advise as to what i can do. I feel lost. Please help me find my way again. Thank you.

My bf and I have been officially dating for 6 months but have been seeing each other for 9/10 months. My bf and I got into a big fight a week ago which he took 4 days of space. He was being a bit petty during the space but we talked it out and had a very productive conversation last Monday. This week he came over and left his phone in my bedroom where I was doing therapy. After therapy, I looked in his deleted text messages and found an access code from tinder from the Monday after we hung up the phone. I looked in his emails and saw the same day he logged into his onlyfans account. I saw he was on tinder till the day we officially started dating and I also saw he logged into his onlyfans ( cause it said he changed his password) in may and April after he told me he deleted it in December. I asked him about the access code and he told me that it was probably something he hit in his email. I told him that’s not how it works and kinda went in on him. He said that he didn’t download tinder but he was trying to delete it so it wouldn’t be a problem in the future. I was like oh ok. I tried to download it on his phone and use his phone number to log in I handed his phone to him and made him put in his email and he clicked back and I don’t think tried to put his email in so I could see if he completely deleted the account or not. I’m not sure if I can trust him because he lied about being on tinder while we were talking (and told me he thinks our official start of the relationship date is much later than what he wouldve considered us to start dating). He got upset and asked why I’d look through his phone and I said because I was curious what he was doing when we weren’t talking and I was afraid he’d download apps or start talking to random girls. As far as I’m aware there is nothing that he has done so far that makes me believe he is cheating or would cheat. He accepted my apology and it didn’t turn into a fight and he kept saying to me when I apologized that it wasn’t a big deal. I’m not sure how to feel about all of this…. I need some advice and to figure out if I should believe him or if this seems like a huge crock of BS.

Hello all! I’ve been looking into trying my hand at writing, and want to try something for litRPG for a Pokémon-style tale. I’m trying to do some research into this, but from what I’m seeing, no real conversations about this particular genre have taken place for years. Knowing this, I have a couple questions for the community:
1) What could have happened to cause a fall-off, if there even is one? 2) What does the community want to see? I see a major problem with the genre is typically the writing or the MC lacks common sense (I guess is the term I want to use?) and makes dumb choices. Is there anything else that is a common gripe? 3) Should I even attempt this/continue down the path of a Pokémon style litRPG? I was thinking about combining aspects of Pokémon and Bakugan with some inspiration from other franchises I’ve played/watched in the past. Is this something that could be plausible?
Thank you to all who choose to reply and help the newcomer here! Feel free to put down some stories I could read to gain further insight or if you have writings of your own you feel could help me understand what I could be getting into! I would love any advice anyone has to spare!

Hello folks, I have been trying to get into watch repair and had my first try on this DD3285 clone GMT movement. I took it apart and managed to put it back together after servicing.
At first the watch was running smoothly but after a while the second hand started to skip/ shutter. I opened up again and use a digital microscope to check the train wheels but I couldn’t figure out what is causing this issue as every contact points between wheels are normal, as I was suspecting some debris were stuck in between wheel’s teeths.
One thing for sure is that there is a small sliver friction spring that I didn’t put it back into the movement as I cannot locate where it was supposed to be. I have looked up some of the older movement that use friction spring to maintain the second hand position but the mechanism looks totally different then what I have here. Would be grateful if anyone knows/ encountered something similar can guide me thru this process! Thanks in advance!

I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head and everyone else’s reactions and I still don’t know if I did the right thing. Did I do too much? Not enough? I’m hoping maybe some parents in here that work in healthcare can give me an unbiased answer.
So daughter is 4 (turning 5 in June). She was diagnosed at birth with septo optic dysplasia and optic nerve hypoplasia. Long story short, she has very low vision and developmental and verbal delays. She is otherwise healthy as a horse, active, very strong, followed by specialists at a children’s hospital nearby, gets therapy through school, all that good stuff. We’ve never had issues with allergies, she’s been stung by a wasp (barely phased her), eats peanut butter, has had cooked egg and stuff made with egg and no issues. So this was alarming to say the least.
We live out in the country and have chickens so there’s no shortage of eggs that are laid out around my kitchen on a daily basis (obviously not anymore). About a month ago she grabbed one off the counter, broke it, and got egg all over her arms and hands and some on her face. I didn’t think much of it, it had happened before plenty of times. I cleaned her up, wiped up the floor and went on making dinner. She went and played in her room and when she walked back out I noticed she had little bumps popping up on her face and arms where the egg got on her. She didn’t seem bothered at all, I put some hydrocortisone cream on her, gave her a dose of Claritin just to be safe and it was cleared up in less than 10 minutes. I mentioned it to one of her teachers the next day at school and asked if they had ever noticed anything when they would have eggs for breakfast and they said no and told me they’d keep an eye out. And that was it. I didn’t think too much about it after that.
Fast forward to yesterday. Same scenario, I’m about to make lunch and she manages to grab an egg that I was sure was out of her reach, she dropped it, I immediately went over and checked her. It wasn’t even that much that got on her that I could tell. I got everything cleaned up and not even 5 minutes later her entire face is swollen, eyes swollen shut, bumps all over her legs and face. I am internally panicking at this point because it was so sudden and not something I ever expected to deal with. Plus we’re home alone and the nearest ER is at least 30 minutes away. There is a local clinic less than 5 minutes from our house so I called them, explained what was going on. Her face was swollen but she was still in good spirits, breathing fine, didn’t seem to be in distress. They told me to go ahead and bring her in. I just assumed the quicker I could get her to medical professionals, the better. I did consider calling for an ambulance but we’re in a rural area with one ambulance to service the entire county and I knew I could get her to the clinic faster than the ambulance could get to me. We get to the clinic, I’m filling out paperwork, nobody at the front really seems phased, they see her face but not really acting like it’s urgent. Nurse takes us back, gets her weight and height, gets history from me. She tried to get Daughter’s vitals but she has never tolerated any of that since infancy. Blood pressure cuffs send her into a full meltdown, she won’t keep a pulse ox on her finger. I always feel so bad for healthcare workers having to deal with her because as sweet as she is, she is EXTREMELY difficult at doctor visits. I can tell the nurse is getting frustrated with us. So then the NP comes in and looks at her and asks me, “So is there a reason why you didn’t just go to the ER?” My heart dropped and I tried to stay calm and told her I came here because it was a lot closer and I did call first and explain the situation and they said it was fine to come in. She then proceeded to tell me that they weren’t really equipped to handle anything like this and I should have just gone to the ER. I guess that was my first dumb mistake, assuming that a clinic with a full pharmacy attached could handle an allergic reaction. I just figured they’d give her a shot of Benadryl and we’d be good. But apparently not.
Other than the swelling and hives, Daughter wasn’t showing any other symptoms. The NP listened to her chest, said everything sounded good but she still wanted her to be monitored in case something happened and we’d be best off taking the ambulance to the ER. They gave her a dose of oral Benadryl and called the ambulance for us. Thirty minutes later the ambulance gets there, and we head to the ER. They were very kind and understanding, Daughter was actually having a good time riding in the ambulance, laughing and singing. She wouldn’t let them hook up any monitoring equipment still but they kept a close eye on her. I start feeling a little bad at this point because she’s still not in any distress and other than the severe facial swelling, seems totally fine, so I started feeling guilty for wasting local resources and peoples time.
We get to the ER and they get us to a bed and one of the nurses comes over and I can just tell right off the bat that she doesn’t even want us there. She was very short with us and kept talking at my daughter telling her that she’d have to leave if she didn’t act right. I kept mentioning that she was low vision and had verbal delays but I don’t know if she was listening. I was beyond stressed at this point and so was Daughter and she was admittedly being difficult yet again and not keeping the pulse ox on her finger. I just mentioned to the nurse that we have to go to the children’s hospital a lot and they’ve only ever managed to get her vitals once when she was sedated for an MRI. I guess at the time I was just trying to acknowledge that yes my kid is difficult and let the nurse know please don’t feel bad because she’s like this with everybody. I wasn’t trying to tell her how to do her job. She glared at me and snapped “I am NOT sedating your child just to get her vitals!” and stormed back over to the nurses station across from our bed and repeated the same thing loudly, “I am NOT sedating someone to get their vitals that’s just RIDICULOUS!!”
I’m trying not to break down and cry at this point. I feel like I should just apologize to everyone for wasting their time and leave. Like I’m that dumbass that went to the ER for no reason and took up space that a real emergency could have used. A different nurse came over and was very sweet. She used a different monitor that taped to her toe and we were able to get a quick reading just to verify that her stats were good. The doctor came in and listened to her heart and checked her out for any other symptoms. Said she seemed stable but he wanted to watch her for a couple of hours to make sure the Benadryl was working and she continued to improve. So after we hung out for an hour and watched PBS kids, her hives went away and her face cleared up and her eyes opened back up. The doctor came in and cleared her, pharmacy tech came in and brought us her Epipen prescription and gave us instructions on what to do next time (Benadryl, blue to sky, orange to thigh, straight to ER). Paid $300 and went home.
Daughter is perfectly fine. I however am not. I barely slept last night between getting up to check on her and replaying the whole scenario in my head. Part of me feels like I didn’t do enough and the other part feels like I overreacted and wasted peoples time. I apologize for this being so long. It’s just all been so heavy on my mind and I needed to get it out and get another perspective on the whole situation. Much thanks to anyone that managed to read all of this.

dear bean
yknow i know you definitely will not care about this and you will probably tell your friends and say how desperate or annoying or needy or shitty I am, and its fine - say what you want. because honestly I couldn't care less about how you think about me but I just want to be heard from your end one final time. and yea I did say that a couple times, I've tried reaching out a couple times, I've tried being a mature person even though I was actually breaking inside. so yea, I'm sorry I lied, sorry I said it would be my last time contacting you but breaking that promise every time, but this time it really will be the last time.
honestly, I think we had a good run for the what, 4 months we were friends? i have nothing bad to say about you, and even though it was hell after whatever you would call that, I still don't dislike you or hate you or feel negative feelings towards you, cause at the end of the day, we're all humans living life and we can decide when someone isn't worth being in our life anymore (that might sound passive aggressive, it wasn't supposed to sound like that, just read it like I understand the feeling). if you're annoyed by this email - don't keep reading, I'll just go on and on and I guess this email (that I will never send) is just a way for me to reflect and understand my feelings while also giving you, the bean that I knew, a chance to come out one last time before shutting me down once and for all. yea so if you're gonna go beserk from this email, dob me out to all your friends, then I suggest you leave before I pour my heart and soul out.
you were actually really cool in my eyes, talented and smart, it was hard not to admire the determination you had and the willingness to do things. and I hate admitting it, and I know my friends hate hearing me talk about it, but I miss you and your presence. yes, sue me, no I'm not in love with you, yes you made that big of and impact on me. i was scared of you when you first joined honk, you had very sharp and cool eyes. and again - you were talented which intimidated me. but overtime, I understood that you weren't scary, you were actually so sweet and funny and really silly. i liked how you pushed yourself to try harder and new things, like clarinet 1 in honk. i don't even know how we started chatting, I think you were looking for some sheet music or something. honestly it was nice talking to you, even from the beginning. it was fresh talking to someone new, I didn't have high expectations of where this friendship would go but I was happy enough to enjoy the moment while it lasted.
and well, that moment lasted a while. we talked for a week and I could already tell that my crappy feelings would complicate things - I just never met someone so like me before. even though I didn't have strong feelings, I knew they were there, but I still chose to talk to you. how foolish right? i mean we had the same interests, music (clarinet!!), txt, twisted tales, it was a coincidence meeting someone who was like a mini me. and of course, when we started talking about crushes, I felt adrenaline and just kept going until I just puked my feelings over you. I'm not sure how you felt then when I admitted I liked you, but if it was hard for you or if it made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. putting you in that position must have been hard so i'msorry. you said you weren't ready for anything serious, but I was just excited, too happy to find someone finally, that it didn;t occur to me how fast i might be going.
we had our issues, but i thought that we loved each other. i loved you so i thought that even though i had issues, talking it out with you was always the best way to work things out. communication is key, that's what i told myself. i guess it wasn't key, unless it's the key to making friendships break apart. i guess i just tricked myself into thinking you loved me just as much as i loved you, so i thought you had the same idea of communication as i did. and honestly i think a part of me was right, because you did try. but it was my fault, i kept bringing in other little small things that affected me and you had to put me back together. and i guess that must've been annoying cause at some point you just stopped trying. I'm not saying that that's an issue or that it was your problem, I'm under the impression it was all my doing.
looking past that, i seriously loved you so much. i neglected a lot for you - again not blaming you, i did it because i really really loved you so much and i wanted the best for you in every circumstance (even if it didn't seem like it). i left my friends a lot, my mum noticed i was getting more distant and well, after things ended i got into touch with my loved ones again, so I'm in a way grateful for you for doing that.
love is hard to describe. but i knew i had love for you. i said i loved my other crushes. but they were absolutely nothing compared to what i had for you. i had love for you that was comparable to my best friend (don't tell her that). mayve you can tell but words could not describe how or what i felt after things ended. not sure what your breaking point was, but it must have been a big point. i have 3 main points regarding this end of whatever we had:

1. what is it we even had? you said we were just friends - i accept that - but i feel like it was definitely not what i saw. and yes, maybe this is subjective BUT i don't think friends hold hands (well they do but they're not afraid to), they don't celebrate "months of friendship" (recalling every month we were "together" we would celebrate) and friends don't kiss each other's foreheads like that (and if they didn't like it, they'd stop each other). honestly, I'm cringing recalling the fucking embarrassing things i did but it needs to be addressed. i have to ask you - and there's no shame in being truthful because i don't care anymore - what did you see us as? was i a one time fling? was i seriously just your friend? did you have feelings for me then realise i was too high maintenance to handle and dropped me? or maybe there was another factor. that brings me to my next point.
2. was there another person who you realised was better? again, while an average person might see this as morally incorrect - i do not care - you're human and you can feel whatever you want for whoever you want. But i’m genuinely asking, did you? Was it the guy you liked in year 6? The one who bullied you? Call me a detective but, i remember seqc calling one night after things ended, i was back from vietnam and had slightly accepted the idea of the situation. you pulled out some messages from a boy on discord, it was of him admitting he liked you back in year 6. i looked at the date, it was the 6th of january 2023, 9 days before you had the courage to break it off with me. Did he maybe have a part in this? Did you maybe feel things weren’t working out with me and realised you had a chance with someone else so you took it? AGAIN NO SHAME - you do whatever you want to do in life, i’m not shaming you or judging you I just genuinely want to know. I also saw you posting about a boy on your story - not sure if its the same boy but if it was, i hope it went well for you. Sorry these were all the conspiracy theories i made up to cope - crazy right? Imagine what a person can do to you.
3. why did we stop being friends? Even though things didn;t work out romantically (or what i thought was romantic, you thought of as friendship), i don’t know what happened to us. You told me you wanted to be friends. I also wanted to be friends. The only reason that kept me alright was the idea that even though you don’t think of me more, i could still keep you as a friend - someone i could share my passions with and geek out over txt music with. Thats why i tried to stay friends with you. I really and truly did try to make ‘friends’ work with you. But the more i tried - the more annoyed you got. Or i think you were getting annoyed. I wouldn’t know because you didn’t tell me how you felt afterwards. I tried to make it work because you said we could be friends but you gave up on me. I think that’s what hurt me the most - breaking your word. I keep saying it, but you’re entitled to do whatever you want, but it left an emotional scar on me. I don’t want to admit it, but on the days you started at (bean's new school name), i woke up early just to talk to you, to keep you company on the bus on your first few days. Yea cringey i know, bare with me please. I thought I owed you that, i thought that being friends with you after you ended ‘things’, i had to earn my right so i tried, i really tried to be my best for you, so you felt that maybe it was worth keeping me around. And maybe, maybe i was still in love with you then. But i think you saw talking to me for three days straight at 7am was annoying and you were probably uncomfortable because it was me. I feel like you saw me as a creep - almost like a pedo. But i tried and you gave up on me, and there was a time a couple months later where we were perfectly fine, but then things just went again.

you might think I just had silly little feelings for you. but I didn't. i really had feelings for you. and I don't know if you genuinely didn't see me that way, or you didn't have feelings for me, if you just thought it was a silly little thing we had going on or if you're hiding the fact you did like me at some point. I just know that losing you as a friend really crushed me to pieces. and yes you told people you never want to talk to me or talk about me - which is fine you're entitled to your own rights - but I just wanted to get this off my chest. one last time - I promise.
I don’t know if this will get to you. It probably won’t, theres a bit too much that i wrote in here. Do you care about this still? Definitely not (I’m assuming). It’s embarrassing how much I think about this and how much i regret not letting my feelings out before you removed me as a friend on instagram and discord (or even blocking me on spotify, not sure how spotify was a way for me to get to you but whatever works i guess). This issue has been taking up my mind for the last few years, and it really does suck. But I’m gonna let it out, so im sorry if you got up to here.
Not sure how much this means to you, but you can contact me anytime if you want to let out your feelings (of life, not about this or me), i want to support you as much as i can. I can also help you with coping with school - again i don’t think you’d take me up on that but it’s always an option if you need it. I won’t make it weird, i wont bring this up again, i’ll talk to you like you’re one of my friends.
I haven’t heard much about your feelings in this - feelings of anger, regret, sadness. If you do want to share (you most definitely don’t have to), email me, text me, contact me and we can talk about how you felt too. This email was for me to finally write down what i wanted to let out and finally let go of what happened (even if you think it was miniscule, it wasn’t for me).
Life is hard, and I learnt that through you and the experience of you. So thank you for teaching me this. Thank you for showing me what love felt like, and thank you for being my first love. You made it very hard for other people because i only compared them to what I had with you. But in saying that - I made life long friends who helped me cope. And I hope you found some life long friends as well.
I hope you have a good life (in saying that, i am assuming we will never meet each other ever again - but if we do meet again disregard this).
Thanks for everything (and nothing as well) (while that sounds bitter, its more like a thank you for what you taught me - life lessons and all - but also thanks for the pain i had to feel afterwards, while that pain was not enjoyable, it was what taught me).
kind regards,
toad
to readers: i censored the names for privacy, but i called her bean (as a nickname - it really suited her), and i was known as her 'toad', hence the names.

Hi, so I'll just get straight into it - I have been with my bf for the past 3 years and ever since i have met him it's like he has the worst luck ever - over the past 3 years his grandpa has died, his close family friend who he called uncle died, both his dogs died, another close family friend that was his age died cand last week his grandma died. On top of this he has ADHD which affects him to a great extent in terms of sleep and anxiety (he has panic attacks often) and he works in the most physically and mentally toxic environment where there is a lot of verbal abuse and he works with a lot of dust and chemicals that are probably cancerous. It really just seems like he's going through a tough time all the time and to be honest I don't really blame him. This has all caused him to turn to drugs and when i first met him i knew he used drugs recreationally but he always said how much he hated it and wanted to stop and i thought after a few months he had but then about a year into the relationship he had been acting really strange when i hung out with him like always wandering off without saying anything and forgetting very basic stuff. I questioned him about it but he would just say he had a lot on his mind. Eventually his family (the loveliest family ever) found out that he had been taking drugs and convinced him to tell me. I was upset that he didn't tell me and lied about it but i was willing to help him through his tough time. He stopped doing drugs... or so i thought until he took it too far and was completely out of it and wasn't making sense - this has happened 3 times in the last 6 months. After the second time i told him its too stressful and i dont want to deal with it any more but he begged me to stay and promised me he will become sober. Then the third time was the day his grandma died and so that was his excuse and i felt like an awful person ending things then. We did talk about it though and he apologised and said next time things get hard he will talk to me instead and did all the same talking he did last time. I don't believe him tbh. I love him so much and wish things were better for him but it is impacting my mental health ...it just feels selfish to break up with him? But he also has been so distant recently since his grandma passed away, like he will pull away from holding my hand and he still hangs out with me but will be on his phone most of the time and not say much and messages me less than before. I know this is all just his mental state but i feel consistently unhappy, i think because i let the clear boundary i set be walked over. But i also want to have some empathy because he and his grandma were very close - they lived together so she was pretty much immediate family. Its also a really bad time because its his birthday friday and we are planning an overseas trip. I have talked to him about it but he gives the answer i knew he would which is just say that he is sad about his grandma - he has said he stays up at night thinking about it because it doesnt feel real. I just really need some advice as i feel like i am just unhappy every day but i cant blame him.
TLDR: bf has a history of substance abuse when things get tough. i set a boundary with my bf telling him to stop doing drugs or i will leave but he overstepped that and i let it happen because his grandma who he is very close with passed away. He has become very distant since her passing and the combination of all this has impacted me in a very negative way. Do i end things?

I had a good mom, a single parent who sacrificed much for me to give me a childhood full of positive memories. Even though I was raised as an only child in a single-parent household, outside of what I guess is a normal amount of frustration that comes from homework and school bullies...it was fine. My childhood was fine. I felt loved. My home was safe.
My mother died 16 years ago, almost to the day. In a twist of sardonic fate, it was on mother's day, that year that she passed. And it was there that my CPTSD began, at fifteen years old, with the series of family members and family "friends" that I ran away from home from or escaped to. Emotionally abusive, manipulative, truly unempathetic wastes of flesh that opened my eyes to nothing besides that the world is a vast, venomous pit full of snakes and liars.
I posted two years ago about wanting to die, and the comments here encouraged me to keep going. I pressed on, spent even more money, but finally found myself in a situation that was better than I could have dreamed, and started to heal. A whole year I got, having peace, feeling creative again, making small progress on my health, having hope.
A month and a half ago it all went to shit in a way so specific to me and my struggles that it feels as though some unseen entity is stalking me, ensuring that I suffer just enough to continuously generate it despair to feed off of. I guess hope just exists only to make the pain that much harder when it vanishes. At this point I no longer believe it is possible for me to keep trying to find what I need, and I'm done. I'm sick of trying, sick of being ill. I can't keep pushing myself, I can't keep allowing myself to hope just to get disappointed, to put faith in a universe that clearly has it out for me to only torture me, to prevent me from stabilizing my life and moving forward on all of the hopes and dreams I've carried and sat on in the hopes I could survive long enough to bring them to fruition one day.
I'm so, so tired. I have given life almost everything I can think of. There are still technically options, but I don't have the inner resources to access them. I simply cannot. I don't want to do this anymore. Even a cancer diagnosis would have been easier. Sadly, I'm being evaluated for that, too.
I'm writing a fanfiction with a friend, promised her I'd finished it, but I'm hanging on by a thread. A human can only go for so long, can only try so much before they just throw up their hands and give up.
I see so many people on here convinced that they won't pass their trauma on to their children. That they will do the work, that they won't abuse them, that they will make sure they are loved. And that's a laudable goal. My mother was raped, emotionally abused my her own mom as a child, beaten by previous partners, and despite all this, I know she loved me, and I appreciate her. It did not negatively effect her parenting me.
But she wasn't the only human in my world. And even if I had no other caregiver, even if my environment had been supportive despite her death, anything can cause CPTSD. Not just a parent's lack of love. Siblings. Abusive partners. Cruel bosses at work. School bullies. Displacement. Being perpetually poor. Spending decades lost in chronic illness.
This might be controversial, but I have to say my truth.
Being a good parent is not enough to stop your child's suffering. And when you bring them here, in the this world of endless madness and unequally distributed trauma, remember that that's what you risk. Their pain, their misery, their anguish, their desire to die, and even, eventually, their very death, caused by factors entirely out of your control. Do not bring a child here unless you are sure you can live with this reality. Do not bring a child here if you are not prepared to feel guilty.
This isn't a suicide note. But in three months when my friend and I finish this fic, I can't say with confidence that that will any longer be true. I read u/f1nal-exit's post. And then I took a break, waited a few days, and read the comments. And it became clear to me then, that the people who care can't help me, and the people who could help me don't care.
My mother birthing me was the cruelest mistake of her life. I wonder how she would feel now, knowing the daughter she birthed no longer has desire for little more than to die.

Trigger warning - religious differences
I always bragged about how awesome my extended family was. NO family is perfect, but I heard horror stories and always counted my blessings that I had strong ties with my Aunt and uncles since I was raised an only child. That was until a few months ago when my last living Aunt, whom I considered a second mom, shattered me.
Ok, some backstory here. My aunt is a Jehovah’s Witness. Now before you get all judgy, I have always loved her, my uncle and her son with all of my heart. I still do. I respect that they have found faith and live by this code on the daily. I have met many people from their congregation and loved them all (ok, a couple of exceptions). I also appreciate the community they have and love they all show each other. If it weren’t for the religion itself, I would have converted.
I, however, am pagan and have always been since I was about 5 (even the first book I signed out from the school’s library was about witchcraft). Not raised that way, but always found spiritual comfort in nature and the natural world. I have a very strong connection and dedication to my Powers That Be and work every day to help the world be a better place. My Aunt did not know my religion until about 7 years ago. That being said, she and I would have very philosophical conversations when we hung out together. Even at the age of 8, I would listen to her preach to me and ask questions to which she never had answers. I remember her telling me how only 144,000 people would be allowed in heaven and didn’t I think that would be wonderful knowing that our whole family could be together again after we died. We’d all be in heaven if we were all Jehova;s witnesses. I had gone with her many times to do field service (door to door) and asked her why they do that if there’s only a certain number of people allowed. Didn’t that lessen her chances of getting in because I’m sure there were many people more deserving than myself. How did she know for sure she’d be one of the ones to get in and was that fair to keep bringing people into the religion when all the spaces were probably already filled up?
At 8 years old, I had many questions and was just trying to figure these things out. Since she was an adult, I figured she had the answers. My questions were not with malice, just for a want of better understanding. When she didn’t have the answers, I'd ask my mother and grandmother. While they were extremely amused, they said they never understood either. They never said anything bad about her or her attempts to get them to convert, just allowed me to explore religion and spirituality as I wished so I could make my own decision of what was right for me.
Once I was an adult, I avoided talking to her about religion, but found that if I didn’t ask questions and just let her talk, it made her happy. I know she’s a good person at heart and that’s all that matters. After my Mom passed, my aunt and I talked almost every week. I loved talking to her and she became even more like a mom to me. She gave me encouragement and we supported each other through health and emotional crises. I’d make it a point to try and visit at least once a year for a few days so she could visit with my daughter and I. We’d always do lunch with her friends and I loved it. I fell in love with some of the people in her congregation and wished we could live closer to hang out more. I, however, never wavered on my spiritual beliefs, but I have never cared about the religion, race, or sexuality of anyone. If we got along, we were friends and that was that.
My aunt and I had come to an understanding that I would not convert and that we would love and respect each other regardless. Religious talk was off the table for the most part until both of my uncles (my aunt’s two brothers) passed and she had a very hard time dealing with it. She was the last surviving sibling and she was sinking into a depression. I’d talk to her at length and listen to her as she mourned the fact that she would never have contact with them (and my mom) in heaven because they never converted. When she asked me what I believed, I told her that I believed that the soul lived on after the body died and that I believed in reincarnation. I explained my beliefs were closer to hindu and buddhism than christianity (so she had context). We had very long talks and she expressed that she respected my views and actually found comfort in talking with me.
That was until my daughter and I opened our store about 3 years ago. It’s a metaphysical shop and we have crystals, teas, gifts, jewelry, candles and more (about 10% strict;y pagan). My aunt was happy for us until it dawned on her that we might sell pagan stuff. I told her what we sold and she asked me if I was a witch. I replied that I suppose that was one way to describe me, but, again, I considered myself spiritual and that I followed a path closer to buddhism, hinduism, native american. I sent a couple of pictures of the jewelry that we made and she said when we came down, we should bring the jewelry making.
We did, I brought down our best crystals to wrap and bracelet materials and my daughter and I made her a necklace with a very expensive stone (A $200 piece). She brought her friends over and they picked out crystals that they wanted, made bracelets and such. We had fun and I was happy to do it, though I wasn’t expecting people that I had never met before. Still, we had fun. My daughter and I also brought her a basket with local items from our hometown, (Raw honey, handmade stoneware mugs, cutting board, herbal tea and some other items made by us as well) She was thrilled. My aunt and uncle had taken a couple of bad falls a few months before and so my daughter and I made them hand carved cedar walking sticks as well because we knew they went for regular walks and thought it would help their balance. It felt amazing to lavish expensive and heartfelt gifts on them as I has struggled so long with money. I was finally in a place that I could do it. To say the gifts probably totalled in excess of 1K is on the low side, but I was still happy to do it.
Besides the fact that they tried converting my daughter when I wasn’t around, it was a lovely visit. The only problem I had was with a new person my aunt introduced us to. This woman, we’ll call her Dee, ignored me and only talked to my daughter. She was my age if not older, but conversed with my daughter, 17, like I wasn’t there. They traded contact info and Dee insisted that they keep in touch while my daughter was in college. Dee said she was going to keep an eye on her. I thought that was odd, but I did enjoy the feeling of having an extended family sort of since I actually had no family besides my Aunt.
Let’s jump forward to the following year and we were struggling financially. Not horrible, but unable to lavish the gifts that we did the year before. Instead, I created a beautiful aromatherapy candle, some delicious herbal teas and we found a couple of very rare antique tea cups that had amazing value to them (about $100 a piece). We made a basket for her and I decided we would cook for them. (gluten free, soy free, dairy free etc). Our visit went so well, it was great to see them. We just enjoyed hanging out with them and talking. They loved the meal we made for them and the dairy free organic chocolate I made. Everything was great until the day we were leaving. Dee showed up and again ignored me, talked to my daughter and chastised her for getting a pet snake as that was an animal associated with the devil. My daughter is one to push the envelope a bit and said how she wanted to get a tattoo as well, one of a snake. Both my aunt and Dee were shocked and said she should never get a tattoo.. Again related to the devil, I went to the bathroom as I was not involved in the conversation and knew my daughter could hold her own. Little do they know that my daughter is also trans. I told her not to say anything to them just yet. I came back to them talking about how college was going and I thought my aunt and Dee would faint when she said her college roommate was male. She quickly explained that it was fine because he was gay and how awesome he was (he is btw). She quickly realized what I meant when she saw their reaction to him being gay. It wasn’t that she was living with a boy, it was that he was gay and “why did he choose to be gay.” I tried redirecting the conversation a couple of times, but they ignored me.
They finally let it go, but just after Dee left, we were getting ready to depart as well. My aunt returned the basket I made for her (minus the expensive tea cups). She said she could not accept them as they were touched by the devil. Shocked, I asked what she meant. She said that because they came from my store, they carried Satan's influence and she could not have them in our home. Truthfully, I explained that I made those items for her and that the only things that came from the store were the teacups. She was confused why I had gotten upset. When I explained that I gave her a gift and if she didn’t want it, she could regift it or throw it away. That gift came from my heart with all the love I have for her and that I didn't need to know her opinions about the gifts because It insinuated I, myself, was evil and it was extremely hurtful. She basically continued on insisting that I was just not aware of how much Satan had a hold of me. All I could do was tell her how much I loved her and leave.
I didn’t take her calls and cried about this for over a month. I finally felt strong enough to talk to her and again she insisted that because those items touched my hands, they were influenced by satan and she wished I could understand how they just can’t have that influence in their home. Frustrated, I asked how she could shop at grocery stores or buy anything from department stores because she can’t guarantee that those items didn’t touch hands that were influenced by satan. Also , I asked her how they could have eaten the food I prepared for them and why did they even invite me into their home to begin with if that’s the way she felt about me. She suddenly needed to go.
We talked a few times since then but it always came back to religion. At one point I asked her again why she would even invite us to her home if she felt that way. Her response was to save my daughter. The pain and heartache she has inflicted is immense, but I cannot bring myself to argue the point because I’m afraid if I make my point to her, it will break her. She’s in her 80’s and I believe has the beginnings of dementia. Her religion brings her comfort and I don’t want to say anything that might make her doubt her religion at her advanced age.
I’ve decided it is probably best for both of our mental health to stop all contact with her( with the exception of sending cards telling them how much I love them) even though I’ve always seen her as a second mom. AITA for making this decision and not trying to work things out with her or allow her to believe that I still might convert?
*** Please understand this is not a bash on any religion. Everyone has the right to believe in whatever religion they wish. That includes me, so if you feel the need to bash them or me for our spiritual choices, you can move along ***
I have never felt like I needed to hide any part of me from my friends, family, and the public in general. Not until now. Buckle up, this is a bumpy ride.
I've always been kind hearted, almost to a flaw. I took care of my grandmother, my step-dad, my mom and helped with a family friend during long term and terminal illnesses. I had my daughter and, without her father's help, raised her on my own with very little to no support. I helped friends with their farm who left me homeless in the end because I want interested in an extramarital affair. I lost my home and all that I loved including my husband because he lied to me and never paid it mortgage while I was recovering from an illness. In short, I have had a tough life, but it has never made me turn my back on anyone who needed help or in difficult family when they were ignored by the others. That's just some background before I tell you this situation.
Three years ago, after a bout of covid, my daughter was suicidal. She had been in the top three of her HS class and yet at that point almost failed her junior year. Not knowing if she would have the emotional strength to face college and adulting in general, I set up a plan B for her. I started a store in her name and that way she'd have something at least to fall back on if she was unable to function in the m-f 9 to 5 world. We started slow by doing craft fairs, seeking crystals, candles, jewelry, and gifts. We were kicked out of one because the person running it assumed we were witches. She was not wrong exactly as we identified as pagan, but we lived our life closest to the Buddhist and Hindu traditions, not traditional wicca. These were people who knew us for years and were considered acquaintances if not friends.
Our business flourished and we ended up opening our brick and mortar that fall after remodeling our garage/ barn and turning it into a store front. Even though I run it for my daughter, it is hers and we work together to keep it going.
In the past few years I've lost my mom, and two uncles. I have no family besides my mother's sister and her husband which we were pretty close. My aunt knew that I was pagan and had tried recruiting me into her religion since I was 5. Even at that tender age her religion never made sense and I would ask her questions to which she never had answers. I accepted her and respected her and her religion even though I didn't agree. I loved the people she introduced me to that were in her church and I always got along with them. That is until we visited the year after we started our store. My aunt was thrilled about us bringing crystals down and making jewelry with her. We met a new friend of hers (middle aged woman) who ignored me completely and oozed affection on my daughter. She got my daughter's contact info and contacted her frequently. Trying to convert and ”save” her. My daughter wasn't having it as even though she was in a delicate state, she is very level headed and strong willed.
This year we visited and we brought herbal tea, candies, and rare vintage tea cups for my aunt. The day we were leaving, she handed back everything but the vintage tea cups and told me she couldn't accept them because they were touched by Satan (aka made by my hands). To say I was devastated is an understatement. This woman was always like a second mom to me and we had grown closer after my mom passed away. It was a 20 hour drive home and I cried most of the way. I cried for weeks after a well. Thinking of it now still brings me tears. As she was telling me that Satan had a hold on me and that she was trying to save me, all I did was remind her how much I loved her and my uncle. Every time since then that we have talked, she says the same thing, but now she told me I was a lost cause. I feel like trying to stay in touch is detrimental to her mental health ( and my own). I don't want to give up or abandon the last of my family, but I can't talk to her and endure the endless insinuations that I'm evil because I don't believe in her religion. She took a bad fall and broke her arm. The last time we spoke, she talked as if it was my fault for bringing the devil into her home.
While I could usually brush this off as delusional ranting, it hits hard because the same day she fell, my dad died. I know the Powers That Be only give as much as we can handle, I just wish they didn't have so much faith in me.
They are in their 80s. I know in all the pieces of my broken heart that they'll never be able to accept my daughter and I unless we change religions and it has crossed my mind just to say we have to put her at ease, but I can't lie like that to them and we cannot betray ourselves like that either. By

I’d like to preface this by saying I am currently seeing a neurologist and have been seen for the current issue at hand and they have not been able to figure out the issue as of yet. I am asking for advice, knowledge, or anything that could help me figure it out. Thank you!
From the ages of 13-18 I had chronic debilitating migraines every day. The type where you wake up and fall asleep with them. I got countless tests and medicines prescribed nothing worked and no issues were ever found on the root cause. One day I woke up and they just disappeared, then I joined the Military. I’m still in the military and have frequent headaches and migraines here and there, not nearly as bad as it was.
Also of note, my mom had a Chairi Malformation and needed brain surgery, which is hereditary I believe. I was tested and they were unable to find this issue.
As of lately, I have this weird thing that whenever I sleep on my right side of my body, I have this loud ringing in my ears/head that actually causes pain. The only thing I could think of comparing it to is like the ringing sound in movies people have after a bomb goes off and they are regaining their hearing. It’s not EXACTLY like that, but the only thing that comes close. Which this issue, it happens right when I fall asleep. When it happens, I can’t wake up right away, almost like a sleep paralysis feeling for about 5 seconds. When I wake up and open my eyes it stops and I’m too tired to move that I just try and go back to sleep. Right when I close my eyes again though, it happens again and again until I flip over onto the left side of my body and it stops. It does not happen any other time, only when I sleep on the right side of my body. This problem freaks me out and almost makes me not want to sleep because it hurts a lot and is a terrible feeling. This issue has only been present for the last year or so. It’s been about 6 years since I had chronic migraines.
Any help would be greatly appreciated! I know it’s a weird one, but I’m hoping someone has had a similar experience and was able to figure it out ?? Thank you!

I’m a guest advocate, 5 days straight I was scheduled to work the positions that require the most talking and running around. Everyone in my store has been well aware that I despise being talkative all day long and tend to not talk at all when I’m drive up unless I’m with a guest or grumbling profanities cause my stuff isn’t done properly or my times have gone down. I go on a lovely week long trip tomorrow and have a concert while I’m on my trip that I’ve been trying to see for over 5 years. Well. Having to be in check out and guest services 4 days straight and in drive up for one 6 hour shift killed my feet and throat. Unfortunately drive up day was rough, I had called my roommates trying to figure out who was going to be taking care of my cats as my hire backed out while I was at work and was fuming and cussing pretty heavily. So last night I felt my throat get sore and my nose all runny. I woke up and to nobody’s surprise my lymph nodes are swollen and I’m in severe pain. I called out last night because I knew this would happen, whenever my throat is sore from talking too much my lymph nodes swell. My TL called me in a panic/fit of rage at 7:30 am- half an hour before my shift was supposed to start. I couldn’t talk so I handed my phone to my wife on speaker and had her explain that talking and swallowing hurt and that I’ve gotten sick and just need to rest. My TL demanded that I have to be the one calling out if I’m sick. I called out through the app and my wife was aware of this, she quickly told TL to check my time for target for my call out and said once again that I’m sick and called out properly.