LF: Singapore, Chinese, F, 23-26 y/o (pref), searching for long-term RL, and who doesn't mind the slower-paced "random supper adventures and long walks on the beach" approach to dating.
Standard ASL first. I'm a 27 y/o Chinese (M) living in SG and generally ok as far as lifestyle, beliefs, and the genetic lottery is concerned. I'm not built very athletically (173cm, ~58kg & more on the skinny side), but I'm also not wafer thin. Mostly introverted at first, but will get more extroverted and expressive once I'm comfortable with your company.
Work-wise, I have a relatively stable 9-5 office job which pays the bills and leaves more than enough left for rainy days plus the occasional midnight Haidilao.
As for my interests, they're straight-up geeky. FGO (lots of bonus points for this!), Pokemon, Anime TCGs - anything goes. Aside from that, I also enjoy hunting for good cocktails (in moderation, of course), the occasional karaoke session on weekends, and I like to think I can hold my own in the fantasy literature aisle. Mostly. XP
Anyway, drop me a DM (with your ASL preferably) if you want to:
1. Talk about basically ANYTHING.
(Can be your crappy work day, your new favourite song, that one annoying guy talking loudly on the MRT, etc.)
2. Not be judged for your interests.
(Look, I'm basically an adult guy playing a children's card game, so you can rest assured that this pot won't be calling any kettles black.)
3. Share shitposts, memes, and most of all, puns.
(No quotas for these. Nuff said.)
Thanks for reading my entire GP Paper. As for pictures, if you send me one of you, I'll gladly send one back when I can (keep this clean for now, though). Not exactly the most responsive on Reddit (WA/Tele is more my thing), so please be patient. Looking forward to meeting whoever's out there :)

Platform(s): Web browser
Genre: 2D Exploration with a focus on 2D Point and Click Puzzle (with a tone of horror)
Estimated year of release: 2012-2019
Graphics/art style: Dark and mysterious. Art style wasn't pixelated. It was fairly detailed to where I could clearly make out the character's facial expression and approximate age.
Notable characters: You control a teenage girl with orange hair wearing a white robe with modern shoes (she has a nonplussed look on her face). She was the only character featured in the demo.
Notable gameplay mechanics: Story is you are taking part in a type of trial imposed on you by your religious community (most likely a cult). If you can't complete it, its implied you'll die.
During gameplay, you are confined to a small room with a door (elevator maybe) leading up, a puzzle in the center, and a dooelevator leading down to the next level. When near the puzzle, you would interact with it and the screen would change to zoom in on it; from there, you used the mouse. I believe the puzzles were a type of sliding puzzle, where there were crisscrossing tracks (think train tracks, but indented) you could move the circular pieces with a symbol on them along the tracks and match them up with other symbols. I feel like I'm missing a crucial detail with the mechanics as the puzzles could be fairly difficult. The puzzles had a gold hue to them.
On the ground, you can find documents talking about various things, like letters of support addressed to previous trial takers and notes from trial takers (it's implied that the trial might be rigged to silence some people). There would be collectables on the ground and laying on top of the puzzles that you can just click to collect (it hints that these can lead to an escape from the cult). One of the collectibles you'd often find was red, maybe a gem or feather?
At one point, one of the puzzles has a piece of paper on it saying the puzzle is broken and you can go to the next floor. If you tear off the paper, it reveals the puzzle can be completed and doing this can aid you in escaping the cult.
Other details:
The game was a free demo for a full game that was either already out or would be out soon (I can't remember where it was going to be sold though). I believe I played the demo on a game site like Newgrounds, Kongregate, etc, though I tried looking on Newgrounds and couldn't find it.

First impressions: Excellent! This shit is gonna be good, I just know it. The aroma from the bag is nice and rich, a little bit chocolately, a little bit woody and a little bit sweet (that would be the Turkish) The cut on this stuff is amazing, awesome for tubing. Even better than Top. Seriously, this should be the cut of a premium brand like American spirit instead of loose flaky bits. Lots of long long strands of dark brown, medium brown and light brown. Moisture level = exactly where it should be. This is the most impressive bag o' baccy I've opened yet. The long chunky cut makes it easy to tube loosely or tightly, versus a flaky cut which almost always packs tight, or a shag cut which will pack very unevenly if you don't feather it out beforehand.
Flavour wise, yep it's an American cigarette tobacco. Very good quality, no off-putting smells or flavours while smoking. Definitely lighter compared to something like Top or Bugler blue. Again, I'm in Canadadadada, so my access to and experience with American cigarettes is pretty limited, I imagine this would be similar to a Camel light/blue. This would be good choice for someone who likes "light" or "gold" cigarettes as the nicotine is a little lower than some I've tried. Flavour is also subdued a little compared to a "full flavour" type, but not weak at all. Comes with a pack of Bugler papers. Haven't tried hand rolling it, but I think the chunky cut would make hand rolling a bit tough. Use a roller machine.
Does it clove? It's OK, needs more dark tobacco for that true kretek experience.
Would I buy it again? Hell yeah, this stuff is really good quality. In fact I'd bump Top tobacco off my list in favour of this. Gonna try the Bugler blue next week

Special thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.
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I'd also like to thank u/xskipy10 for their awesome fanart of the main cast as well as their recent Tohba meme and their fanart of Michael baysitting. You're work is a treasure!
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Thank you as well to u/Accomplished-Golf-59 for his take on Michael, Teylim, and Tohba in his submission for the Banner Art Contest, and u/Spacer_Catgirl4969 for their awesome music video featuring a pixel-art Dohkar in his bar. Be sure to give ALL of these awesome creators your love and support.
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And let's not forget u/Guywhoexists2812 who has been an awesome source of memes as well as sick pixel art, such as THIS and THIS!!!! And even THIS!!!!!! And how could I forget THIS!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!
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Today, we join Dohkar as he finally completes his mission and puts an end to the horrors of the Five Meadows Guild once and for all. Now all that's left...is to pick up the pieces...and prepare for whatever comes next... And finally...a family is made complete... LETTUCE...continue...
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First
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Previous
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Songs Mentioned/Used: N/A
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Memory Transcript Subject: Dohkar, Venlil Bartender Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I’m not sure what I expected to see or experience when I finally caught up to Albiel, but it wasn’t this. What I saw before me had me completely off-guard. Albiel, on the ground, with a plasma burn straight through his knee, and standing above him, was…
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“Jerrick…put…the gun…down…”
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I held my paws up, doing my best to talk him down. I hadn’t even SEEN Jerrick since the concert. Honestly, I hate him for what he tried to do to Mike, but looking at him now…all I felt as pity…
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His fur was stained from dirt, grime, and stars know what else. Just like Teylim, he had a collar around his neck, and his ears weren’t so much as pinned back, as they were just play glued back from all of the filth he’d no doubt been wallowing in this whole time. Albiel really did just lock him away in a cell the moment her was no longer useful.
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“HE DESERVES IT!!!”
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“I know. Believe me, I know. But this isn’t the answer.”
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Sure. I hated Albiel. I despised him. I detested him. And yes, I wanted to kill him, too. But for people like him, death alone isn’t enough. And it certainly wouldn’t help Jerrick in the long run.
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“Jerrick, listen to me. You’ve been through this exact situation before. At the concert, remember.”
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He flinched as soon as I mentioned that paw.
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“You could’ve hit that shit dead on. You and I both know it. But you missed on purpose, didn’t you?”
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Jerrick’s shaking got worse and worse. I could see the conflict happening behind his eyes. I could tell I was making progress when I saw the small twinkles building up in the corner of his eyes.
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Poor kid… Just a kid…
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“I…I-I just wanted a… j-just wanted him to-“
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“Be a father. I know… That’s what we all wanted. We were just pups, with no one to love us, to care for us, to help us grow.”
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At this point, I felt like I was talking to both of them now. I slowly took a step toward them, and then another, and another. I looked down at the pathetic monster at my feet. Bleeding…broken…and for the first time I think in his life…afraid…
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“We didn’t want some ‘grand purpose’. We didn’t want to inherit some empire. We just wanted a family.”
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I looked at Jerrick. I’d managed to get right next to him. I didn’t grab for the gun. I simply kneeled down beside him, and spoke calmly…
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“That’s why you missed, isn’t it? You saw what Mike had. You saw what you’d be taking away from them.”
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“It’s not fair… It’s just not fair…”
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“It never is…but you have to understand that you CAN still have that. I’m the proof. If I was able to walk away, and have a chance at a life and a family, then so are you.”
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For the first time, his eyes left his target and met mine. At that moment, I saw Jerrick for who he was, without any of the dogma, arrogance, or misplaced loyalty. He wasn’t an exterminator, PD patient, or a murderer. He was a child, just a child who lost his way.
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“You didn’t have to pull the trigger then, and you don’t now.”
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It was only then, that I held out my paw, and with more than a little hesitation, Jerrick handed it to me. Before I was tempted myself, I threw the thing down the hall. Before I could do anything else, I heard that same, smug, arrogant, if slightly choked up laughter coming from the absolute disgrace behind me. I turned to face my father, my abuser, my monster as his signature look of pride came back, his stupid horn glinting in the light of the building’s ceiling lamps.
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“So that’s it, then? Just like that? Where is all that rage and fire I saw in your eyes, when I held that sub-sapient primitive in my grasp, and threatened to find and kill that spawn of hers?”
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He’s baiting you.
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I know.
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“Even when you’re saving my life, you’re still a disappointment, Dohkar.”
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“I’m not saving your life, I’m just prolonging your death.”
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I held an arm out to shield Jerrick. I wasn’t going to let him bait me into attacking. Instead, I’d turn his stupid trick against him, and I wanted to make sure Jerrick was safe.
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“You don’t deserve to die, Albiel. You deserve to LIVE, to sit in a cell and rot just like all the others whose lives you’ve helped ruin, and watch as everything you built crumbles down around you. You’re no leader. You’re just a pathetic disgrace to weak to stand on your own if you aren’t stepping on someone else to feel taller. And I’m going to make you live with that fact for the rest of your miserable life.”
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And then, just a moment, the mask slips one last time…
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“I’LL KILL YO-“
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Whrp-prrrck!!!
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Before he can lunge at us with the last of his strength, my tail wraps around his neck, and before he can choke out another word, his head is slammed into the ground…at just the right angle…to snap that horn of his at the base.
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SLAM!!!
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CRACK!!!
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Just like that, it was over. Jerrick let out a shaky breath, staring down at our unconscious father figure. Before he broke down completely, I pulled him into an embrace. We just sat there, him crying, and me holding him in what was probably the first real hug he’d ever recieved.
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“It’s alright, son. It’s over… It’s over…”
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Eventually, he finally ran out of energy, and fell asleep. Once everything was calm, I placed a finger to my ear piece.
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“This is 1-2 Dohkar. VIP subdued. Objective complete. Patients evacuated. Hostages secured. All hostiles neutralized. Mission accomplished. Over and out…”
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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My head was slightly foggy. I was barely paying attention to what any of the medics around me were saying. All I knew was my leg hurt, my ribs hurt, my pretty-much-everything-else hurt…and I missed my joeys…
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“There you are! I was hoping I could catch you before they moved you.”
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I turned my head and saw a pleasant, familiar, face approaching the cot I was laid out on.
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Heeheehee. Handsome face…
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These painkillers must be really something…
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“Dohkar! You’re alright.”
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“Yeah… Mission accomplished. It’s finally over.”
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“Good. Wait. W-what about Tohba, Michael, and Khornel? I heard them over the loudspeakers but-”
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“Easy, Teylim. Don’t strain yourself. They’re fine. They’re already on the way here.”
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My mind was instantly put at ease for the most part. My body protested as I took in a long breath and let it out in a relieved sigh. They were alright. My joeys were alright.
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[Transcript Time Progression: 15 minutes…]
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“So I don’t think I’ve EVER seen YOU cry before.”
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“I’m never living that down, am I?”
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“Oh, absolutely not. The great, brave, oh so stoic Dohkar putting on the waterworks for Little Ol’ Me!”
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“Pfft. Please. I was just sobbing in despair over getting stuck with two pups to take care of.”
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“Ha Ha.”
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Before I could chuckle at our stupid banter, my body quickly reminded me why that was a bad idea.
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Ow! Ow. Yep. Still hurts to laugh.
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Dohkar looked up for a moment and looked off into the distance.
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“Huh. Speak of the devil.”
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“MAMAAAAA!!!!” “TEEEEEYYY!!!!!” “MS. TEYLIM!!!!”
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MY BABIES!!
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We need our joeys.
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YES!
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With some effort, I turned my head in the other direction, and almost broke down instantly at what I saw.
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My joeys…all three of them. I felt a paw on my shoulder before Dohkar left.
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“I’ll…leave you to it… I still have to visit Clem and a few others.”
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After a moment, the soldiers guarding the field hospital let them through, and they immediately sprinted to my side. I couldn’t have them in my arms fast enough. After a solid minute of their voices combining into a jumbled slurry of “Are you okay”s and “I’m so sorry”s, things finally calmed down enough for a full conversation.
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“Mama….”
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“My precious…”
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Michael slowly lowered my Tohba into my arms, and as soon as he clung onto me, it felt like a massive piece of my heart and soul had been restored. He was alive! He was safe! They found him! And now he was back in my arms!
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“MAMA!!! MAMAAAAAHAAAAA!!!”
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“I’m here, Precious. Mama’s here…”
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It hurt. My body protested against the weight of my joey. My arms burned and my breaths were still ragged, but I didn’t care. I held onto my Tohba like I hadn’t held him in cycles, placing lick after lick on the top of his head. Once I was content with my grooming, I held an arm out to bring my other two joeys in.
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“Michael… Khornel… Thank the stars, you two are alright…”
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“Tey…” “Ms. Teylim…”
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“I heard you two over the loudspeakers. You did so well. I’m so proud of you…”
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We stayed like that for a while. As much as holding them hurt, I just didn’t want to let go. We did finally break free of our group hug however, when one of the soldiers came along and gave Khornel a salute.
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“Are you Ms. Khornel?”
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“Y-yes… That’s me…”
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“One of the other patients is asking for you. Clem?”
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“YOU FOUND GRANDFATHER?!”
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“Yes. He’s currently receiving medical attention but he’s stable. I can take you to him if you like.”
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Khornel jumped to her feet and almost sped off right there, but hesitated after looking back at the rest of us. Michael simply gave her a nod.
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“Go. We’ll catch up.”
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Every single feather she had ruffled in excitement before she let the soldier lead her away. I tried to listen as she got further and further away. Eventually, I was able to hear her.
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“Grandfather!”
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“Little ‘Nel! My Little ‘Nel!”
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I couldn’t help but smile.
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I’m so happy for you, Dear.
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And speaking of dears, I looked back up at Michael. We were alone now, just the three of us. He’d been remarkably silent this whole time. Now though, once he was sure no one else could here, he broke down completely.
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“I’m sORrY, TeY. I aM so, SO, SorRY…”
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“Sssshhhh… It’s alright. Whatever for?”
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“I sHouLD’Ve bEEn tHeRE. I ShOUld’Ve BeEN aT tHe hOUse. I shOuLdN’T hAve-”
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“Hey… Hey… None of that… Michael, sweetie look at me…”
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Michael sniffled and wiped away his tears, doing his best to hold it together. His bright blue eyes were filled with regret, regret that was entirely undeserved. All I had to do to prove it was point out the joey in my arms, fast asleep.
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“You found Tohba. You kept him safe. You agreed to stay behind even if you didn’t want to. And when the time came, you all found a way to help without putting yourself or the others in danger. You could NOT have handled yourself better today.”
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I strained to raise up my free arm and cup the side of Michael’s face in my paw, wiping away another tear streak with my thumb. I looked into my son's beautiful eyes with all the love I could muster.
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“I am SO…proud of you.”
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Without another word, he held my paw in his hand, nuzzling into it with his cheek. I finally had my boys with me again. And for the first time in a long time…everything felt like it was going to be alright…
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Memory Transcript Subject: Tevis, Magistrate Intelligence Operative Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 16, 2137
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I walked around the grounds of the field hospital. All around me, human medics and professionals were tending to the patients and hostages. The raid had been a success.
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Albiel was in custody… UN Custody…
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Many of the other exterminators were deaf from WHATEVER THE HELL that human did over the intercom.
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I watched as a large Krakotl was led to one of the elderly patients by a soldier.
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“GRANDFATHER!!!”
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“Little ‘Nel!!!!”
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The two embraced, the smaller Venlil running his claws through her feathers.
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“My Little ‘Nel…”
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“I missed you so much, Grandfather. I’m so sorry I let you get-”
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“Don’t you dare blame yourself. I’m just glad you’re alright…”
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I shook my head and continued moving. So that’s another family that will need housing. Pretty much every patient here is going to be a personal settlement case all on their own, with, more than likely, PLENTY to say about the state in which they were held in…
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I watched a frantic looking Gojid enter the hospital constantly looking around.
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“Scolina?! Has anyone seen my daughter?! Scolina?!”
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The Gojid eventually made their way closer towards the Krakotl and old Venlil from before. One of the Gojid patients on a nearby bed seemed to hear his call.
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“D…Daddy…?”
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The two made I contact, and the younger Gojid was almost immediately tackle hugged by the elder.
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“‘LINA!!! My sweet little ‘Lina, I’m so sorry!!!!”
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“DADDY!!! DADDY!!!”
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They broke away from the hug for a moment as the older Gojid looked in horror at the burn scars covering the girl.
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“Oh, ‘Lina what did they do to you?”
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“They…said it would fix me… Am… Am I fixed now, Daddy?”
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Just hearing the words seemed to make the man break down entirely all over again.
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“There was never anything wrong with you… I should never have sent you to this place… It’s all my fault…”
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“Daddy…”
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Judging from the girl’s speech patterns, she must’ve been taken in while she was a pup, which meant lots of special education as well as whatever this human “therapy” was.
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What a load of sanctimonious-
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I calmed myself before I could go on a rant.
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After doing the rest of my rounds, watching more and more people reunite with their family members, I walked off and went make a call back to HQ. As far as I could tell, this was the rundown: The bar was now filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, the Guild Office was filled with dead and/or dying exterminators, Albiel was now in custody, there were still exterminators on the Guild roster that were MIA, pretty much all the patients were now out and able to give testimony, and I had a LOT more paperwork than usual to take care of.
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Yep! Just about NOTHING has gone to plan.
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Time to change that…
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[Warning!: You Are About To Access Restricted Files: Continue?: Y/N…]
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[The Following Is A Clip From A News Broadcast Archived By Magistrate Intelligence…]
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[The clip opens up on a well-groomed Venlil reporter behind a desk with the logo of “Prime News”...]
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“Tensions rise once more in the Soulroot District as events continue to heat up in their border village of Five Meadows. We here at Prime News have been following the events of what is now being labeled, ‘The Five Meadows Incident’ over this past month, starting with the failed assassination of a human refugee and seemingly ending with the temporary shutdown of the Five Meadows Extermination Guild as a whole. However, while the crisis with The Guild does seem to have passed, things are still not well in that small border town. We go now to our newest seeker, Rose McDermott, out in the field. Rose?”
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[The camera changes to view a female human reporter standing in front of what appears to be a border checkpoint…]
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“Thank you, Talen. As anyone who has been following this incident with us would know, just two weeks ago, I was just actually IN the town of Five Meadows, just outside the former Guild Office, watching as patients, hostages, and soldiers alike were treated for their injuries and traumas. However, before we could get any interviews, we were quickly escorted from the premises by Interim Guard officials. And while The Soulroot Magistrate HAS released a public statement regarding the situation, their actions have led many to question their intentions, this checkpoint behind me being one chief example. As said in their public announcement, The Magistrate is now enforcing a full lockdown of Five Meadows, stating their intent to track down any exterminators who escaped the raid on their office and are still considered, “at large”. However, after the events of the Five Meadows Incident, many incriminating recordings being leaked online, as well as the upcoming election, many are wondering if The Soulroot Magistrate truly had the people’s best interests at heart. Back to you, Talen…”
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[The camera changes once more to show the Venlil reporter. They seem to take a breath before reshuffling the papers on the desk…]
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“Now…you all watching are more than aware of my opinions on such things as Extermination Guilds and Predator Disease Facilities. But…this is a news station. We can’t just sit here blindly theorizing and getting lost in conjecture. My opinions aside, and leaving just the facts alone, it is clear that what has happened in this small town is nothing short of tragic. And we here at Prime News will continue to cover these events as they unfold. And to any who are in or even from Five Meadows, our hearts and minds go out to you, and we hope you remain strong in these uncertain times. This is Talen with Prime News…signing off…”
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[Clip ends…]
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 24, 2137
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“I’d like to thank you for joining us today, Ms. Teylim. I do hope you’re healing well.”
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I gave a smile to the kind man on the monitor as I shifted on the motel room bed.
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“Thank you. It’ll still be a little while before my leg is able to be walked on normally, but otherwise, I’m healing well. Thank you, Dr. Jacobson.”
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“I’m glad to hear it. Now then, onto the reason why I asked for this group session. It appears there’s been a slight breakdown in communication between you and Michael…”
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I gave a confused look to Michael, sat on the other bed in the motel room. He shifted uncomfortably and simply looked down at his hands.
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“What kind of breakdown?”
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“It seems that ever since things have been…brought out in the open between you two, he’s stated that he’s been experiencing ‘guilty’ feelings whenever trying to express affection.”
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“Is this true, Michael?”
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“It’s just… I don’t know what it is. I felt like…like I was wasting your time…”
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“Wasting my time?”
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“Tey… Be honest… When…exactly…did you start thinking of me like your son?”
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I did my best to think back. Honestly, after the first time he sang for us was probably the first time I felt something like that, but at the time, I just thought it was leftover mom hormones from having Tohba.
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“Honestly, the first time I felt something akin to motherly love for you was after you sang for us the first time. You just…looked so sad, lost, confused, and scared, and I just…gravitated towards it. Afterwards, things calmed down somewhat, but when I really started feeling it was Thanksgiving.”
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“Oh. I wasn’t aware that you tried having Thanksgiving. It makes sense in a way, though. That holiday, along with Christmas the following month, have great emphasis on spending time with one’s family.”
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Suddenly, a horrifying realization popped into my head.
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“Oh no! Michael, we forgot to celebrate Christmas!!”
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“Tey, it’s fine. All the present deliveries got canceled, anyways.”
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“It is not ‘fine’! We are celebrating Christmas! I don’t care if I have to drag a tree into this room myself!”
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“Ugh… Fine…”
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After a moment of laughing at ourselves, Dr. Jacobson continued.
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Well, we’ve established that one end of these feelings truly began around Thanksgiving. What about you Michael? When would you say you truly started seeing Teylim as a mother figure in your life?”
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“Honestly…I don’t know… Not for sure, anyways. In some ways, it feels like she’s always been that way to me, but maybe that’s just because even after just meeting her, she was already treating me better than my own mom did.”
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Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. A part of me was giddy that he’d apparently always thought of me as a mother to him, another part was completely shattered by just how much his birth mother had affected him. It was like hearing his tale of abuse all over again.
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“I think…once I got used to actually calling her that in my mind, that was when the idea actually became real. That’s when I really started thinking about her as my mom. Not A mom…My mom… But even then, I just…couldn’t say it, no matter how hard I tried. Like I said, in some ways it just…always felt like she was my mom. So when I think about how long it took me to actually start acknowledging it and expressing it… I just…feel guilty. I wasted so much time…”
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I turned and sat facing toward him. I couldn’t let him truly believe that.
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“Michael, it could’ve taken three days, three months, or three years. I would’ve accepted your love whenever you were ready.”
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“But you shouldn’t have had to! You shouldn’t have had to wait for me just to get over myself.”
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“Michael…”
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“The fact is…you were right. That egg donor that gave birth to me isn’t my mom…you are…”
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My heart skipped a beat as he looked straight at me, my mind filling with just those last two words.
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I…am…
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“You’ve done more to raise, love, and nurture me in three months than my birth mom did in TEN YEARS. And you DESERVE a son that’s actually capable of accepting your love and giving it back. And I just…wasn’t able to do that…”
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I felt my heart breaking more and more. I had no idea he’d been feeling this way, and I wanted nothing more than to help him through it.
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“But that’s over now. I’m done blaming myself for something that wasn’t my fault. I’m done letting the words of a monster dictate what I am. That’s why I want to keep having sessions with you and Dr. Jacobson. I want to get better. So that I CAN be the son you deserve.”
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Oh, Michael. If only you knew. You already are.
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With some mixed feelings, I pulled over my satchel. There was something I’d been meaning to give him for a while now.
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“Michael, you are already a wonderful son, one I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’ve already said that much. And I’m so happy you’re committed to getting better. There is nothing I want more than your happiness. When you were about to leave, before the concert, I was so scared I was about to lose you. The way you so easily gave up like that…it scared me. It felt like…like I failed.”
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“Tey, I-”
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That’s why…”
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I slowly opened up my satchel and pulled out a small packet of papers. They were a bit torn and faded after fishing them out of the wreck that was my office, but I managed to find them.
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“I got these for you.”
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I handed him the papers and watched intently as he read them. I won’t lie, most of it is legal mambo jumbo that even I can’t fully understand, but I could tell exactly when he got to the important bit. I’d memorized that one beautiful line:
​
I, Teylim Andrews do hereby fully and officially acknowledge ________________ as my-
​
“Tey… Are these…adoption papers?”
​
“You’re only half right.”
​
He looked up from the papers, his eyes full of shock and awe.
​
“You ARE a full, legal, adult, by both human and Yotul standards, so I can’t technically ‘adopt’ you. BUT, what we CAN do, as legal, consenting adults, is BOTH agree to sign these papers, fully acknowledging each other as family, me as your mother, and you as my son. This does a LOT of weird, quirky things involving Venlil law, mostly involving inheritances and insurance. BUT the most important thing, is that by legally becoming a part of my family, the door is open to you for FULL. CITIZENSHIP. You won’t have to be a refugee anymore.”
​
Michael was speechless, just looking back down at the papers.
​
“Tey, I… I don’t know what to-”
​
“You don’t…have to sign if you don’t want to…”
​
He looked back at me, waiting to hear me out.
​
“At the time, I’d only gotten these to show you as proof, proof that I really AM serious about this. I truly DO see you as my own, Michael. And paper or no paper, that much will never change. I truly, completely, and purely…love you. And I want nothing more than for you to be happy…”
​
I looked down at my own paws. I knew that presenting him with this choice meant having to accept the fact that he might say no. So, I just curled in on myself and braced for it…just in case.
​
“But…I know that you’re still healing. I was going to give these to you after the concert. But then you got shot, and even after that, you were still recovering. I wanted to make sure things were slightly calm again before going through with it. Now, I know it’s a big decision and I completely understand if you don’t feel comfortable-OOF!!!”
​
Before I could even react, I was pushed backwards, fully wrapped up in a giant hug.
​
“MIchael! What are you-”
​
“I’ll do it… I’ll sign…”
​
With just those five words, I found myself struggling to find a response. My heart was racing and I couldn’t even tell if I heard him right.
​
“You… You mean-”
​
“I want to sign! I want to be your son!”
​
For a moment, I was still paralyzed. My rapidly wagging tail was the first part of me to move before I practically dove into him.
​
My son! MY SON! MY SON!
​
“OH, MICHAEL!!!!”
​
I couldn’t contain myself. I hugged. I squeezed. I nuzzled. I licked. I kissed. I held…my son. MY! SON! And soon, not even a government official would be able to say otherwise.
​
And then…as if I needed any more confirmation. He uttered four more words. Just four. Four words that I’d never heard him say before, at least not together, and not toward me. Still, hearing him say those four words…the last time I remember being that happy…was when my Tohba was born.
​
“I love you, Mom…”
​
Did he just call us…?
​
Mom… Mom… MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!!! HE CALLED US MOM!!!
​
“I love you so much, my joey! Mama loves you so, so, so much! Never forget that.”
​
“Mom…”
​
Our lovely, perfect moment was then interrupted by the only thing that could’ve made it more perfect. A small, adorable yawn came from the small crib behind us.
​
“Mama…? Whad goin’ on?”
​
I turned to see Tohba peeking through the bars at us. It appeared our little moment had woken him from his nap.
​
“Hmmm… Tell me, Michael. Now that things seem like they’re becoming official, is there anything you’d like to say to young Tohba as well?”
​
“\sniff** Yeah… I think there is…”
​
I watched with bated breath as Michael walked over and plucked Tohba from his crib, before sitting next to me. Tohba, for his part, looked really worried, probably because we were both complete sobbing messes.
​
“Mikey zhad?”
​
“No, Bud. I’m not sad. I’m happy, happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
​
Tohba didn’t seem entirely convinced yet. He only seemed to get more worried when Michael composed himself and took on a somewhat serious tone.
​
“Bud? There’s something REALLY important you need to know. So, I need you to listen real close, okay?”
​
Tohba’s fear only seemed to grow. The last time Michael said something like that was when he left for Twilight Valley.
​
“Tohba… You…are the BEST…baby brother a guy like me could ever ask for. You hear me? The BEST…”
​
Tohba’s fear and worry seemed to go away for the most part, only to be replaced with partial confusion.
​
“Mikey…bwudhew…?”
​
We both almost broke again just from that one, adorable word. Michael was quick to confirm it, nodding frantically as he tried to hold it together.
​
“That’s right… And your big brother, Mikey loves you SO much, Tohba. SO…much… More than you’ll ever know…”
​
“Mikey…beeg bwudhew…”
​
Tohba seemed to take a moment to think, trying to truly comprehend the words he just said. Once he understood however, it was impossible to hide his excitement. His tiny tail became a blur behind him as his eyes lit up with glee. Before he could react, Tohba used his still developing hind legs to launch himself into Michael’s face.
​
“BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
​
“OH, JEEZ!”
​
In a flash, Michael was knocked onto his back, laughing as Tohba licked and nuzzled every inch of his face.
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“MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW! MAMA! MIKEY BEEG BWUDHEW!!!!”
​
That was it. That was what finally broke me. I sobbed openly and clapped as my Tohba shared the amazing news with me. Mikey IS beeg bwudhew.
​
Once his energy had wound down, Tohba saw fit to simply snuggle into Michael’s arms, letting out a long, contented sigh, as if anything that could’ve possibly been wrong in his tiny, perfect world had been made right again.
​
“Wuv you, Mikey… Wuv you Beeg Bwudhew…”
​
“I love you too, Bud. I love you so much.”
​
I couldn’t hold back any longer. I rushed forward…and held my boys in my arms. And in this one…perfect moment, I could only think one thing.
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I love my boys. I love my family. I love my life.
​
Next

Tapas Part 3 - Bliss Upon Bliss

Recap
Part 1 covered the concept of tapas, or spiritual austerities, and how you can use tapas to magnify and enhance the sexual energy created through semen retention into tejas, an "inner radiance, fearlessness, majesty, and authority".
It also covered the concept of syntropy, which is how a system is able to conserve, increase and synchronize energy within itself, which is the reason why you get so many benefits from semen retention. Yoga, meditation and tapas all increase syntropy as well.
You can find Part 1 here.
Part 2 detailed how to use tapas to overcome craving, both for the urge to masturbate and for all cravings in general. It detailed some of the science behind why yoga and breathing exercises are just about the most syntropic things you could ever possibly do, by regulating both the endocrine and nervous systems, and activating and clearing out your energy body, called the pranamaya kosha in yoga. Then I introduced some new yogic techniques to introduce more prana and tejas into the system.
You can find Part 2 here.
In this post, we will cover :

• A quick section on "limbic friction";
• How to make good use of the power of resolves, or "strong determinations", in order to boost confidence in yourself, to become the one person you can always count on, and to strategically release dopamine and testosterone in order to rewire your brain to be oriented towards resilience and success;
• Why proper meditation is even more syntropic than the postures and breathing exercises of yoga;
• The process by which meditation purifies the nervous system/mind/consciousness;
• How deep states of meditation, known as jhanas, create the highest level of syntropy within the body-mind system, as well as unbelievable amounts of bliss;
• The relationship between the energy gained from semen retention, the bliss and syntropy of jhana, and how the two relate to tantric sex.

Part 4 will cover :

• How tapas trains circuits within a primitive part of the brain, which, when strengthened, allow you to have built-in, automatic discipline;
• The importance of disciplining oneself with ethics, how it benefits your semen retention practice, and how it is both foundational to success in meditation, as well as a powerful form of tapas;
• A type of meditation on fire itself that quickly builds powerful levels of concentration and can even lead to some trippy experiences. And of course, it greatly increases syntropy and tejas.

Giddy up!

Limbic Friction

Tapas will take your semen retention practice, as well as the rest of your life, to entirely new heights. Tapas involves overcoming limbic friction - the uncomfortable feeling your nervous system creates to try to convince you to stay in your hazy comfort zone, to avoid doing the difficult things.
You know, the things that will allow you to grow.
Limbic friction will also pop up when you try to not indulge in the thing you’re craving.
Limbic friction just keeps you trapped in your tidy little box of comfort. While it may be comfortable and familiar, no real growth can occur inside this box.
Everything you’ve ever dreamed of is on the other side of fear and discomfort.
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." - Seneca
The goal of tapas is to simply feel that limbic friction, to fully accept it, and then proceed ahead anyway. That’s it.

Gain Confidence and Boost Testosterone with Resolves

While we’re on the topic of pushing ourselves, let’s discuss the power of making resolves. In the 3rd post of the series on overcoming craving, Becoming a King with Equanimity, we discussed how they make great use of “strong determination sits” in Goenka-style meditation retreats.
This simply means that when you sit for meditation, you make a vow to sit perfectly still for the entire hour of your meditation session - you can’t move your hands, your feet, or open your eyes once the sit begins.
Not only does this up the level of discomfort, forcing you to either develop equanimity or die trying, it also increases your confidence in yourself. You say you’re going to do something tough and you prove to yourself that you can do it.
Strong determination sitting is a powerful practice, but the real point is making a resolve to do something difficult and then sticking to it no matter what.
This practice is called adhitthana, and it is one of the Ten Perfections of Theravadan Buddhism that a person aspiring to awaken must master in order to bring about awakening.
For a beginner meditator, the resolve should be only be to sit every day, with out fail - even if it's just ten minutes.
It’s easy to see why this practice goes hand in hand with tapas. Let's say you are a beginner meditator, and you make a resolve or "strong determination" to sit every single day, for at least ten minutes. For someone who has never meditated, that's actually a pretty tough thing to stick to.
But then, one fine spring Friday afternoon, you meet up with your buddy and grab a couple of beers (or insert whatever your temptation is). You get home and look at your meditation cushion and even ten minutes seems like too much.
This is your mind being a little bitch!
But you're a retainer practicing tapas, and having made this strong determination to sit for ten minutes every night means there is no backing out. To back out is to admit defeat, to let yourself down, and to prove to yourself how unreliable you are.
Barring utter catastrophe, you will do your evening ten minute sit.
So you sit, and even though the meditation drags on and on because you’ve had a couple, you make it through and viola - a big check is deposited in your “confidence and dependability” account.
Making resolutions and sticking to them is a powerful method to make progress fast, not just with your semen retention/yoga/meditation practice, but in life in general.
In a world of uncertainty, when people seem to get more and more flaky and unreliable, be the one person who you can always depend on.
It’s a promise you must keep in order for it to pay off, otherwise you’re just reinforcing the habit that it's ok for your mind to take the easy way out.
Start with small resolutions, resolutions you know you can hold yourself to. You want to set up a positive feedback loop of winning. These successive small wins lead to more wins, as each win increases dopamine and testosterone - a phenomena known as The Winner Effect.

Scientists have found that when we win something, regardless of how small, the brain releases dopamine and testosterone, chemicals associated with confidence, attention, and mood. Interestingly, studies have shown that the brain can rewire itself for success over time.

It's a match against yourself - who will win? Your old lazy self, or the new and improved self?
Strong Determinations in Practice
Once you’ve proven to yourself you can rely on yourself, slowly start upping the ante. Don't try to jump immediately from a slovenly wimp to the Olympic-level athlete of austerities or meditation, because you’ll simply fail - and that's proving to yourself you aren't dependable.
And remember, you can make resolutions with anything, not just yoga and meditation:

• Resolve to not look at your phone for the next hour;
• Or to not get on Reddit at all tomorrow;
• Or to take weekends off of Discord;
• Or resolve to clean your entire room, top to bottom, in one stretch.

Or how about actually starting your workout routine and sticking to it? Or resolve to give up whatever your crutch is, and actually follow through this time? The smart man would be sure to build up with some smaller wins before you try to drop your big crutch.
The goal is simply to stick to your resolutions!
Start off making them small and manageable.
Each time you stick to your resolution will be a win, dopamine and testosterone will be released, and overtime this will rewire your brain towards badassery. Your confidence and strength will grow and grow. Only when there is no more limbic friction from the original resolution do you add another or increase the intensity of the original resolution.
Prove to yourself that you are dependable and watch your confidence skyrocket. I've included a video at the end of this post talking about the benefits of strong determination and resolves as they relate to meditation, but remember - these resolves can benefit you in regards to any behavior.
The late and great Anthony Bourdain

Meditation for Tejas

As we covered in Part 2, yoga, with its postures, breathing exercises, and energetic locks and seals, is easily the fastest and almost the most effective manner of increasing tejas.
What about meditation? Well, let's all be honest, for most beginners, meditation is a bitch. It's difficult to sit down, stop the constant doing, disengage from all that thinking in your mind and focus on one object to the exclusion of all others.
But once you're good at meditating, it is perhaps the most syntropic thing you can possibly do. Stilling the mind is the epitome of conserving energy - your body isn't moving and now, even your mind has reached stillness.
And once you get really good at meditation, a positive feedback loop occurs in the mind, magnifying energy in the body-mind system many times over - so much so that it starts producing an intense bodily bliss and mental happiness, respectively called piti and sukha.
When piti (rapture) and sukha (joy, mental bliss) start arising, you can be sure that you're on the precipice of what is known as jhanas in Buddhism, and dhyana/samadhi in yoga. These are meditative absorptions that are extremely purifying and endlessly praised by the Buddha, not only as one of the proper ways to meditate, but as the one and only type of pleasure to actively seek out.
And believe it or not, the pleasure of jhana can exceed even the pleasure of sex, and can last much, much longer.
You know how people with anxiety get stuck in a loop of rumination that just magnifies their anxiety? Jhanas are the opposite of this anxiety loop.

"Anxiety can capture attention, which can lead to more anxiety, which can capture more attention, and so on, leading to a physiological response (e.g. heart rate changes, sweating, in the extreme case a panic attack). Jhana meditators create a similar positive feedback loop between attention and pleasure." Jhourney - These are guys who led the metta retreat where I was first able to achieve jhanas

Once you can get to this level in your sits, then some real juice is added to your meditation, and tejas will start overflowing.
Thy cup will runneth over, as they say.
And as we'll see in an eventual post in the Craving Series, once you get to the point of reliably reaching jhanas, you can say bye bye to pretty much any and all cravings. Why? Because why would you want to masturbate, getting only 5-10 minutes of pleasure, when you can sit down and hang out in a much more pleasurable jhana for 20 minutes to 2 hours?
And that pleasure, ease and joy follows you around the rest of the day, coloring everything you do. It's difficult to crave when you're already deeply satisfied.

Purificatory Fire of Meditation

But that leaves us with the problem of getting good enough at meditation to achieve those states of bliss, and now that I've mentioned how amazing some of these higher states of meditation can be, I may have inadvertently caused you to crave them.
And you cannot reach jhana from a place of craving. In fact, jhanas are all about letting go. More on that in the Craving Series.
However, worry not! Just beginning on the path of meditation starts working wonders for the purificatory process, no matter how "bad" you may be at it.
Recall how in Tapas Pt 2, I mentioned how effective yoga asanas and pranayama are at cleaning out the gunk and detritus from the nervous system/mind/energy body?
Meditation does the exact same thing, even if you think you're doing it poorly.
So, as a beginner or someone who thinks they "can't meditate", understand that each time you sit down and do metta, or focus on the breath, or do vipassana, or recite a mantra, or whatever, even if you think you aren't meditating well, as long as you know your technique is proper, you're doing great, and it's having quite the purifying effect on the brain/mind/nervous system.
Recall in the previous post how I mentioned that once the gunk is cleared from the system, that it is like living life as a child again? Perceptions become crisp and clear, wonder and joy are always right around the corner, and things become "feather light and paper thin" - meaning things feel less solid, and more vibrant, vibratory, alive.

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern.” - William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

Here are a few key quotes from one of my favorite books on meditation, The Science of Enlightenment : How Meditation Works by Shinzen Young. I highly recommend this book, especially for science-oriented types. The "fixating forces" he mentions in the following quote are our deeply ingrained habit patterns of chasing after the pleasant and running from the unpleasant (tanha, craving) and the word kleshas refers to the three defilements#Three_poisons) of craving, aversion and ignorance.

"So if, as many believe, we really are imbedded in spiritual reality, why don't we see it? Why isn't every vision beatific? It's because of fixating forces deep down in the subconscious. And our job, according to a plethora of self-help paradigms, is to become free from these forces.
"In the Buddhist, Hindu, and Abrahamic contemplative traditions, the process of becoming free of those limiting forces is sometimes referred to as purification (vishuddhi in Sanskrit; catharsis in Greek). Purification could be described as the process that breaks this material up, digests it, metabolizes it, and (pardon the metaphor) excretes it. Purification is what it 'tastes like' as we are getting free from those limiting grooves. It's a sort of immediate reward. You sense that the limitations of the past are being metabolized and a bright future is being created because of the way you're experiencing a certain something in the present. Once you learn the taste of purification, your growth goes exponential. The ability to taste purification is the sign of a mature spiritual palate.
"From a Buddhist perspective, that old material gets worked through by pouring clarity (mindfulness) and equanimity into the experience of the moment. That clarity and equanimity percolate down into the subconscious and give the subconscious what it needs to resolve/dissolve its issues."
"Through meditation, we smelt away the kleshas (craving, aversion, ignorance). We refine the ore, and we are left with what always was - the pure gold of consciousness."

So three important notes to end on

1. If you're new to meditation, or even if you've had a practice, realize that there are no bad sits! If your mind wanders 100 times in 10 minutes of meditating, and you brought your mind back to its object 101 times, that means you've done 101 "reps". That is a successful sit!
2. Do not crave results! Just focus on the right inputs, and eventually the right outputs appear on their own. The right inputs here being that you sit consistently and with proper technique, in a relaxed and un-expectant manner. Focus on the inputs, the results will come.
3. That sense of struggle that you must overcome to sit on the cushion, plus the subtle (or not so subtle) struggle while you're actually meditating is the taste of purification! That feeling is the feeling of tapas itself! You may not enjoy the feeling (yet), but you can at least know that you're engaging with powerful, purificatory tapas each and every time you sit. Even more so if you start using resolves.

That feeling of resistance is none other than our friend limbic friction. When you feel that limbic friction pop up, and then you do the thing anyway, remember - that's gunk being burned out of the system!

Jhanas, Orgasms, and Tantric Sex

Now, there will be an upcoming post in the Craving Series that will be a deep dive on the style of meditation that produces this bliss and happiness.
If you guys are interested, I made a recent post on metta meditation, which is arguably the easiest way to get into these states. While I think the whole thing is worth reading, feel free to skip to the end for instructions. This was the style of meditation that finally allowed me to begin accessing these states of absorption and bliss, after 13 years of trying to do so.
On the other hand, feel free to skip my post entirely and head straight to one of the links I've included at the end of this post for guided metta meditations.
Metta is a fantastic method for jhana because the feeling of loving-kindness itself is inherently pleasant. Because it is pleasant, your mind will focus easily upon it; because your mind focuses easily upon the pleasant sensation, the pleasantness grows; the mind is able to concentrate more easily upon this increased pleasantness, which then causes the pleasantness to grow even more, on and on and on, until bodily bliss (piti) and mental joy (sukha) start arising and you're blasted into the first jhana.
The Joy of Jhana
What does "being blasted in the first jhana by bodily bliss and mental joy" feel like?
Well, the best way to describe jhana is somewhere between an extended orgasm and being on the love drug MDMA/ecstasy.
"Hold up - that sounds like it would be debilitating to all this energy we've been cultivating... Surely there will be devastating consequences to our semen retention practice, right?"
Orgasms drain you of energy, not just due to the release of prolactin which lowers dopamine and testosterone, but also because of the effect on your nervous system. As you get more and more sexually aroused, energy builds up in your nervous system. Once your nervous system can no longer handle the energy and stimulation, you orgasm, at which point prolactin is dumped into the body and the nervous system starts shaking off all the energy that has accumulated inside.
Toes curl in, eyes roll into the back of the head, and your nerves fire like off like its the Fourth of July, right? You get hormonal dampening, and a good portion of the energy you've been building up and conserving through semen retention, wise use of energy, tapas, yoga, pranayama and meditation gets literally shivered away and shook off.
Jhanas, on the other hand, allow for a very slow build up of energy within the nervous system, (one that doesn't involve your Johnson), but instead of that build up resulting in a big explosion of energy that the nervous system shakes off, it is all contained within and sustained for long periods of time!
This pleasure, which is simply a build up of energy, is extremely purifying to the entire system.
And when the jhana is over, you're left feeling invigorated and refreshed, not drained and depleted, because your nervous system remains supercharged with energy and bliss. Not only will you be radiating good vibes everywhere, but you will be supercharged with our friend tejas, that "inner radiance, fearlessness, majesty, and authority".
The Tantric Sex Connection
This is also one reason why tantric sex is such a powerful adjunct to semen retention. In tantric sex, you build up energy within the nervous system and don't release it - but in this case, the energy comes from sex, not from meditation.
And all of this is even more reason to have a strong yoga practice, because it is only through yoga (or qi gong/tai chi) that you begin to slowly build up prana within yourself, training your nervous system and pranamaya kosha to be able to handle higher and higher amounts of energy.
Through yoga, you also purify the channels, called nadis, through which this energy flows, as well as the chakras, the "power transformers" of the energy body.
If these aren't purfied and opened up, the energy will remain stuck and unable to participate in the feedback loop of jhana, nor of tantric sex. This is a major reason why guys are unable to make it very long with retention - their bodies can't handle the build up of sexual energy, so it seeks release and homestasis the only way it knows how - through orgasm.
Again, I refer you to Can You Handle the Power? if you'd like to read more about the concept of being able to handle more and more energy.
Better yet, skip the reading and get to practicing.

Resources

A quick note on guided metta meditations - you kind of have to shop around to find one you really enjoy. There are many different ways of doing metta, and when you multiply that by the way some teachers sound, whether there is music or not, and the quality of recording, well... Some are hits, some are huge misses.
My recommendation is to find one you like and either stick to it, or better yet, simply do the meditation yourself.
A 30 Day guest pass to the Waking Up app - Amazing resource with 3 different metta modules under the "Practice" tab - Compassionate Awareness is one module, Metta (loving-kindness) is another, and Metta for Everyone.
Shinzen Young on Strong Determination Sits
18 Minute Metta Meditation with Samaneri Jayasara - My favorite of the guided meditations here. She is a fantastic resource, and she has plenty of readings and guided meditations on her Youtube.
35 Minute Metta Meditation with Jayasara - I did not check this video out, so if it isn't great, well..
23 Minute Tonglen Meditation by Tara Brach - Tonglen comes to us from the Tibetan Buddhists, and combines metta with compassion.
14 Minute Guided Metta Meditation with Ayya Khema - This one is interesting.
Rob Burbea Metta Retreat - These are the recordings of a metta meditation retreat led by Rob Burbea, a phenomenal teacher. These include some theory and are all longer sits though - great for strong determination sits!
A great 3 month course for the seriously-inclined beginner meditator, with a section on metta.
A great interview with the guy I learned jhanas from, describing their benefits.

My cat is about to turn a year old in June. He is a flame-point Siamese with no health issues or anything of that sort. I’ve had him since he was a baby. I’m writing this post because I honestly do not know what to do about his behavior.
He gets into everything, and I mean everything. He digs his claws into everything. He rips things up and scatters them all across the floor. He carries poop out of the litter box and scatters it everywhere/plays with it. He kicks piles of litter out of the litter box. He scratches up all of the furniture. He tries to play with dirty dishes in the sink after dinner. He has even figured out how to open closet doors.
I just had to buy child locks for all of the closet doors in my house because he will open them, knock everything over in them, get into things in there, bring poop onto the clean towels and bedding, will get his fur all over the clean towels and bedding, etc.
I don’t understand why he does any of this. I ensure the litter boxes are always clean, he has fresh food and water available to him at all times of the day/night, he has had multiple scratching posts (we have 5 currently) available to him constantly ever since he was brought home, he has dozens upon dozens of toys (all of which are a variety), we have two other cats he can play with, he gets interaction and play from us of course, etc etc.
He could play with the other cats, but instead chooses to smack them upside the head and chase them around until they hide from him. I’ve woken up to paper towel rolls ripped apart all over the floor. He has ruined the drapes by digging his claws in them and trying to climb them, which is what he also did to our shower curtain and so we now ensure he no longer has access to our bathroom.
I’m not sure what to do or why he is doing this. I have tried to ensure he has a variety of things to play with and scratch and I make sure he gets plenty of interaction. My other cats used to play with him, but quickly got tired of him smacking them and chasing after them and now they just hide from him. I will spend a lot of time trying to get his energy out with laser pointers, the feather pole toys, throwing toys for him, etc etc and he still does all of the above.
Am I doing something wrong? Is there a reason behind this behavior or is he just a mischievous young cat? Is there anything I can do to stop the behavior or manage it somehow? I would never dream of re-homing him, he is with me for life and so I want to know how I can manage this so he’s happy, but also not destroying everything in our home and terrorizing our other cats.

(An animation shows black and white clouds parting) Charles: (Off-screen) Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshipped good and shielded all from evil. Lucy was one of these angels. She was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But she was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt her way of thinking was dangerous to the perder of their world. So she watched as the angels began to expand the universe in their ways. From the dust of Earth, they created Eve (I couldn't think of a female name that looked like Adam) and Lilian. Equals as the first of mankind, but despite this, Eve demanded control and Lilian refused to submit to her will. He fled the garden. Drawn in by his fierce independence, Lucy found him and the two rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love. Together, they wished to share the magic of free will with humanity, offering the fruit of knowledge to Eve's new groom, Adam, who gladly accepted. But this gift came with a curse. For the single act of disobedience, evil finally found its way into Earth. With it, a new realm of darkness and sin. And the order Heaven had worked to maintain was shattered. As punishment for their reckless act, Heaven cast Lucy and her love into the dark pit she had created, never allowing her to see the good that came from humanity, only the cruel and the wicked. Ashamed, Lucy lost her will to dream. But Lilian thrived, empowering demon-kind with his voice and his songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power. Threatened by this, Heaven made a truly heartless decision. That every year, they would send down an army, an extermination to ensure Hell and its sinners could never rise against them. But Lilian's hope remained. And his dream was passed down to their precious son, the Prince of Hell. (The prince shuts the "Story Of Hell" book) (On-screen) Don't worry, Dad. I'll make you proud. (He holds a key) Vagner: Charles? Charles: Augh! (The key turns into a cat) Oh, shit. Did you hear all that? Vagner: Uh... Yeah, I was right there. Charles: Sorry. I get worked up after an extermination happens. This story helps. Vagner: (chuckles) I know. Don't worry. I enjoy your theatrics. Are you okay? Charles: I'm fine, just...Thinking, ya know, family stuff. Vagner: Did you hear from your dad yet? (Charles shakes his head saying no) Vagner: Oof. How long has it been now? Charles: Not that long, only...Seven...Years...Off something important, I'm sure. But this kingdom was something he really cared about. Something I care about. Vagner: Well, at least you aren't alone. Charles: I just hope what I'm trying to do here will work. Vagner: It will. I have faith in you. (The cat hopes on Charles) Vagner: All right. Come on. Alice says she has something to show us. (Vagner heads to the door and Charles look out of the window and see Hell on fire and goes) (A commercial plays) Alice: Well, hello there you wayward sinner. Do you like blood, violence and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do. That's why you're in Hell! But what would you say there was a place to stay that had none of that? Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded five days ago by Lucy's delusional son Charleson Morningstar! Come place your fate in his inexperienced hands as he tries to work through his mommy issues by fixing you! Here, we offer fun thing! Such as somewhat functional staff! And 24 hour Pest Control! Custom rooms, and just look at this tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular resident. Wow! All this and more at the Hazbin Hotel! You last desperate attempt at salvation starts here. (The tv suits off) Alice: So, what'd ya' think? Vagner: I'm sorry, what the fuck was that?! Charles: Uh, yeah, one note...Alice, I mean...First off, thank you so much for making this, seriously, amazing, but um...maybe the tone is a bit...Off? We want people to want to come here, this makes it look...ummm... Vagner: Bad. The word you're looking for is "bad". Alice: Funny, I was going for hilarious! Vagner: It didn't explain anything about how we're trying to save demons from extermination, which is the whole fucking point. Charles: Vagner is right, Alice. The commercial was to let sinners know we are trying to help them. Alice: Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The proper medium to express oneself! But YOU insisted on this noisy picture box adversiment! So I had a little fun with it. Vagner: Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? (Stand on the sofa) Well, this is not what we want to represent us. When you showed up here a week ago, you told us you would help run the hotel! Instead, you're mocking us. Nobody's going to want to come to a place that a powerful overlord like you thinks is a waste of time! (A demon on a sofa raises her hand) Vagner: What? Angela: If'n ya filmin' a commercial, can I suggest you take better advantage of the talented celebrity you have right here? Vagner: Angela, you're a porn star. Angela: A famous porn star. I'll have the horniest sinners knockin' these walls down to get in. Vagner: We are not filming a porn as a commercial. Angela: Why not? Sex sells, don't it? I swear if you film me goin' at it with mistress fancy talk-creepy voice here, you'd rollin' in participants willin' to stay at this tacky hotel. Alice: Haha! Never going to happen! Charles: Angela, I appreciate you wanting to use you special skills to, um, attract folks to the hotel, but...I really don't want to exploit you, in that way! Angela: Oh, please, baby. This body was made to be exploited. I got the arms, I got the stamina, I got the legs. I got the lung capacity-- Oh-oh I got the legs! The gag reflex, the holes... (Charles laughs uncomfortably and his phone rings with his mom calling) Angela: The small tits that make everyone think I'm a man... Charle: Uhhh, hold that thought. I'll be right back! (Walks away) Angela: I could keep goin' all night, baby. (Charles breathes and answers the phone) Charles: Hello? Mom? Angela: Hey, I have a question. If freaky face over there is so powerful, then why can't she just make people stay here? Alice: Oh, trust me, (ominously) I can! Hisky: Why the hell do you think I'm here? (The camera goes to Hisky) Hisky: You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles and listening to you fuck's bitches moan all the time if she wasn't forcin' me? Niffter: I like being forced! Hisky: Keep that to yourself, Niff. Angela: What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers? Hisky: Call me "Whiskers" again and I'll that bottle down your throat. Angela: Kinky. But I like pussies. But keep talkin' dirty. Vagner: Ugh, Angela, let Hisky do her job. And no, we can't force sinners to stay here. They need to choose to. Angela: I'm choosing to be here, and I think is all stupid. We're in Hell, toots. It's kind of the end of the road, ain't it? Vagner: Well, maybe it doesn't have to be. Just because nobody has made it before doesn't mean is not possible. (Angela pust her arm in his shoulder) Angela: Hey, whatever means I can keep crashin' here rent free. Crack is expensive. Charles: (excitedly) Yeah, I acn totally. Yeah, I'll head over there right away...Okay. (Turns off the phone) Hah! YES! YES!!Hahahaha!! Vagner! Holy shit! Vagner: Ahh! What?! Charles: (through closed mouth) Get over here! (Vagner sighs and goes to where Charles is) Vagner: What's going on? Charles: (Inhales) My mom just called. She said that the leader of the Angel Army wants to meet. She asked if I could go instead. (Breathes deeply) Vagner: But... But-- But tbe extermination just happened. What would they want this soon after... Charles: (Singing) I can do this. Somehow, I know it I'll get Heaven behind my plan! Vagner: Charles, hold on. Charles: There's just no way I could blow it. Not this once a lifetime change! Vagner: It's just a meeting. Charles: To change their minds. And touch their hearts. Or whatever angels have. Vagner: This could be bad. Charles: Cheer up, Vagner. This could be swell. Something tells that today will be a happy day in Hell! Vagner: Okay, but just don't... sing to them. Angela: That motherfucker is halfway down the street. Vagner: Is he... Angela: Oh, he's dancin'. Vagner: Ugh, no. Charles: There's a warm fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air! Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare. It's a realm so appealing it beats anywhere! If you don't mind the smell! It's a happy day in Hell! Hi, miss! Demon: Go fuck yourself! Dead Sinner #1: There's a endless trash fire that's burnig my soul! Charles: Hello! Imp: There's a lot of barbed wire to shove in her holes! Charles: Uh, excuse me... Executioner: Doing what is required we all have a role! Dead Sinner #2: I'm not doing well! Ensemble: Another shitty day in Hell! Charles: If I can show them the dream I've dreamed, that any soul can change! Vagner: Those angels minds are hard to change! Charles: Then they know that everyone can be redeemed from the evil to the strange! Vagner: They're bloodthirsty and deranged! Charles: I can hear all their stories, the lost and the displaced! And I know that they're of an acquired taste! But if I open the door and give them a place at my Hazbin Hotel it'll be a happy day in Hell! (Jumps in the back of a truck) From the porn studio where the cinephiles go to watch award winning demon bukkake shows to the Cannibal Town where they don't wear a frown 'cause...Holy shit, ew, my gosh, why?! And I don't give a crow that her brains got in my eye! Cause I know I can spare them from Heaven's genocide! I can do this... Dead Sinner #1: There's an endless trash fire... Charles: I just know it! Dead Sinner #1: That's burnig my soul! Chorus: Ah! Charles: I'll get Heaven behind my plans! There's just no way I could blow it! Demon Sinner #3: I kinda like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole! Charles: Not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds! Trenchcoat Demon: And touch my parts! Charles: Oh...No, thank you. I'm just gonna...Fullfill my destiny! Trenchcoat Demon: Your loss fucker! Charles: I can already tell! Today is gonna be a fucking happy day in Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell! (Charles enters at the lobby) Charles: Hello? (echoes) Hello? Creepy...(He goes to the reception, rings the bell in the table and a paper and a feather pen appear in front of him) Oh, okay! Also creepy. (Signs the paper) (Elevator doors open, Charles goes to them and enters in a dark room) Charles: Hello? Is anyone here? (The lights turn on) Eve: 'Sup? Charles: Holy shit! (Falls in the floor and gets up) Hi, I'm Charles. My mom asked if I could meet you. Eve: Yeah, I know. Charles: Okay, well, it's nice to meet you. (Stands his hand) Eve: Totally. Nice to meet you, too. (Stands her hand) (Charles hand passes through Eve's hand) Charles: Ahh! Eve: Ha! I fucking got you! Did you fuckin' see that? (Luther shaves his head in yes) Eve: Good shit! Charles: Uh, so wait, you aren't here? Eve: No, you think I'd come down there? (Laughs) No. I mean, I love the vibe, totally, I love your tunes. Pretty fuckin' hardcore, don't get me wrong. But, it's such a bummer, man. Everything down there's just so "eugh" ya know? (Chuckles) Ew. Charles: Right. So I'm happy we got this opportunity to meet. There's a project I've been working on that I really want to talk to you about...(Eve puts her finger in his mouth) Eve: Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We got time. How about we get to know each other, mm? How about some lunch? You hungry? I got you! (Shows a plate with ribs) Here's my personal favourite. You'll love it. My husband's receipe. Charles: Uh, thanks! (His arms passes through the plate of ribs) Eve: (Laughing) I got you again, fucker! Haha fuckin' hilarious! Haha! (Back at the Hazbin Hotel, everyone is at the lobby) Vagner: Okay, so Charles is dealing with something very important, so while he's gone, we are making a new commercial. One that representants his vision and what we're doing here. So we need a camera. Alice? (Alice snaps her fingers and an old camera appears in Vagner's hand) Vagner: a video camera. Alice: Hmm? (Snaps her fingers) (A video camera appears in Vagner's hand) Vagner: All right, let's do this! (Vagner films Angela sitting at the bar) Vagner: And...Action! Hisky: "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, can I help you with anything?" Angela: "I've been a bad girl. And I need a big strong mommy to put me in my place...On the path to redemption!" Hisky: Ugh! "Well, you come..." Angela: "Oh yes!" Hisky: (boredly) "To the right place!" Vagner: Cut! Okay, Angela, I need you to be less horny, if possible. And Hisky, can you maybe not have a script in front of your face? Hisky: (Angrily) I ain't no actress, I can't memorize this shit! Angela: Well, we could improve this shit, baby cakes! (Purrs seductively and Hisky push her out of the counter) Ahh! Hisky: Whoops. (Drink a bottle) Vagner: Hisky, come on! (Meanwhile, Charles is bored) Eve: So I was playing this gig, and for some fucking reason this virtue boy was digging on the drummer, and it's like, do you know who I am? I'm fucking Eve. I'm the original pussy! All pussies descend from me. You think you drummer pussy? No way, I'm the Pussy-fucking master! (Eats sloppily) So anyway, then we fucked, and it was awesome. What'd you do this weekend? Charles: Wait, your name is Eve? Like the first woman? That means you...Ohhh...(Enlightened) That explains so much. Eve: I know. I fucking rock. Charles: Well, Eve, ma'am. Mrs. Eve, ma'am. Eve: Call me Pussymaster. Charles: Eve, you seem like a smart...well, stand up girl. Eve: (With the finger in her teeth) Uh-huh. Charles: And I know you are the leader of the angels. And you are a bigger, a revolutionary, a...A genius! Eve: I maen, yout words, babe. Charles: Who would really her name on something. Eve: Fucking love putting my name on shit! Shit's the best! Charles: It's a solution to our biggest problem! Eve: Oh, herpes. Yeah, that's a bitch. Charles: No! Our other biggest problem. Eve: Oh, uh...Ugly people? (Looks the camera) Math? Global warming? Nah, wait that's Earth's problem. Umm... (At the hotel, a bug walks in the floor and a needle tries to stab it) Niffter: Hehehe. Stab. Stab. Stab. Vagner: Alright Niffter. Niffter? Niffter! (Stops him) Your line is "We have the cleanest rooms". Okay? Niffter: Got it. I'm ready. Vagner: (Turns on the camera) Action! (Niffter looks at the camera with his pupil constricted and Angela and Vagner look at him confused) Vagner: Uhh...Cut. (Turns off the camera) (Niffter smiles again) Niffter: (Giggles) How was that? Vagner: Well, Niffter, you actually have to say the line. So let's roll again. Niffter: Okay! Vagner: Action. (Niffter stares deeply at the camera) Angela: You're doing great, Vaginer! Vagner: Cut! Alright, um, maybe wr can try to fix it in the post. Angela: Do you even know what that means? Vagner: (Angrily) I'll figure it out! (In lobby, Vagner is watching the video with the camera connected to the tv) Hisky: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel. (Vagner groans, covers his eyes and Alice appears in his side) Alice: Seems like you're having a bit of trouble there, hm? Vagner: Ugh, esta pendeja...Why are you even here? Alice: For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job! Vagner: (Turns on the camera) And here is Alastor, the egocentric piece pf shit that... (Alice gets static on the camera and it starts to spark and Vagner screams and knocks the camera down) Alice: I wouldn't try that, my darling. (Sinisterly) This face was made for radio. Vagner: (Gets angry) That's it! I don't care who or what you are! If you are staying here you are going to make this work! Beause it won't be so "entertaining" to watch an empty hotel will it, shitass?! (Turns around and walks away) Alice: Fair enough. I'll tell you what. Let's make a deal. Vagner: Pft! You think I'm that stupid? Making a deal with a demon like you. Alice: Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you, and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or...Charles can come back to absolutely nothing! Your choice. Vagner: (Sighs) Fine. (Gets the video camera and raises in Alice's hand and green ghosted skulls fly around it) Alice: Now then! (Makes the camera disappear and snaps her fingers) (Angela, Hisky and Niffter, a lot of filming materials and a ghost recording team appear in the lobby and everyone gets tailor clothes) Vagner: Alright, everyone! Let's make a fucking commercial. (Meanwhile) Eve:...When you take him out for the fifth time and he still expects you to pay the check, but you're like, (In deep voice) "Hey I thought you wanted equality"! Charles: (Frustrated) No! Our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell! Eve: (Normal) Ohh! Well, that's not a problem! We got that covered! Luther, how many demons did you kill this year? Luther: Got a good 275 this year, ma'am. Eve: 275? Whoa, badass! Awesome job, danger dick! Pound it. (Punch fists with Lute) Charles: Uh, no, not awesome. Those are my people, you know that, right? Eve: Ohhh, yeah...That must suck for you. Pft...Hahahaha! Charles: But these are souls. Human souls, just the same as the ones you have in Heaven. Luther: They're not the same. They had their chance and they earned damnation. Charles: You're wrong. Sinners made mistakes, sure, but everyone makes mistakes. Luther: Angels don't make mistakes. Charles: You really think that? Luther: I know that. Eve: Yeah, I've never made a mistake in my fucking life. Luther: The only reason you're still here is because Mommy gave you and your Hellborn-kind a pardon from an exorcist blade. How does that feel? To know how little you matter. (Charles shrinks back) Eve: Oops, almost out of time. Guess we should get into it... Charles: Oh! Fuck!...(Get up from the chair) Okay. I've a lot to get through and not a lot of time and I feel like you weren't really hearing before, so here goes. (Clears throat) (Singing) I know Hell's population is out of control. It's a bad situation, it's taking a toll. If we rehabe these sinners and cleanse all their souls at my Hazbin Hotel! (Normal) Wait I'm getting ahead of myself! Right! Extermination! (Singing) I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year. And it must be annoying to schlep all the way here. If they join you in Heaven that trip disappears! You can wave that chore farewell! (Deep breath) It'll be a happy day in... Eve: (Singing) Let me stop you right there, save us all precious time! Charles: (Normal) Okay? Eve: If what you're suggesting is letting them climb! Up the ladder. Oh they rather cross the Pearly Gates! Sorry, sweetie, but there's no defying in their fates! 'Cause Hell is forever wheter you like it or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! 'Cause the rules are black and white there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! Charles: Okay, but... Eve: Just try to chillax, babe, you're wasting your breath! Charles: (Nervously) Hehe... Eve: Did I hear you imply that they deserve death? Are they winners? Are they sinners? 'Cause it's cut and dry! Charles: Actually, if you take a look... Eve: Fair is fair, an eye for an eye! And when all's said and done! (Said and done) There's the question of fun! (Fun) And for those of us with divine ordainment, extermination is entertainment! (Imitates guitar) Guitar solo, fuck yeah! (Imitates guitar) Hell is forever wheter you like or not! Had their chance to behave better now they boil in a pot! Charles: Where all this people come from? Eve: 'Cause the rules are black and white, there's no use in trying to fight it! They're burning for their lives until we kill them again! (materializes a guitar and play it) Fucking Hell is forever and it's meant to suck a lot! So give up your dumb endeavor 'cause you don't have a shot! (Charles groans, his paper gets on fire and his hair moves in the air and horns appear in his head) Eve: Long as I've got your attention, I guess In should probably mention that we made a determination (Shows a contract) To move up the next extermination! Charles: Can't wait a whole year to slaughter those little cunts! (Hold Charles' wrist) I know is just been a week, but we'll be back in six months! (Spins Charles out of the room and plays her guitar) Charles: Um, wait, didn't you...(Goes at the door, but it closes) Awh, shit! (Punches the door) (Charles returns sad to the Hazbin Hotel) Vagner: Charles! (Hugs him) How did it go? Did they listen? Charles: Oh, uh...They sure did...hear it! But, um... Vagner: Oh! Come here. We have something exciting to show you! (Holds Charles to the living room) Alice pulled some strings, and it's about to air. Alice: I pulled a few limbs too! Hahaha! Charles: Wait? The commercial? You all made a new one? Angela: Yeah, one of my better performances, if I do can say so myself. Charles: That's...That's amazing. Angela: Shh! It's starting! Vagner: (On TV) Welcome to the Hazbin Hot... (The TV changes to the 666 News channel and everyone complains) Kallie: (On TV) Breaking news in Hell today! We have just received word from the Heaven Embassy that the next extermination is happening sooner than ever before! Do you know what that means, Tomita? Tomita: No. What does that means, Kallie? Kallie: It means we are all royally fucked! (The clock in an hourglass changes to 176 with everyone screaming) Angela: Wait...What? Why?! (A drone laser scans a headless body of an angel laying in Hell and Eve and Luther see then from the ship) Luther: We found the body, ma'am. They've never managed to kill one of us before. We should just go down there now and destroy them! Eve: No, no. We can't risk them catching on. But don't worry, when we come back, there won't be a demon left to pull a stunt like this again. (Breaks the projector and her eyes and mouth glow in the dark) (The end credits start playing)
Sorry, Vivziepop, I had to

Leonardo Momento Zero Grande Dutch Pen Show 2022, F nib [B]

• Verification and image album: https://imgur.com/a/PKnBABd
  
• Limited edition, sold exclusively by participating Dutch retailers at the 2022 Dutch Pen Show, made of selected rods of Jonathon Brooks' Peacock Koi resin. This is the version with rhodium-plated trims, numbered 074/100.
  
• The pen's body demands your full attention, with captivating swirls of white and blue, and even shades of purple, with shimmering and chatoyant regions scattered about. The model name and edition number are discreetly engraved on the barrel, while the Dutch Pen Show logo, a quill and ink bottle, is engraved on the nib.
  
• 14k gold Jowo #6 fine nib: tuned by Anabelle Hiller, with moderate flow, and pleasantly toothy feedback. Comes with matching blue ebonite feed.
  
• Lightly used. Some microscratches on the resin, but difficult to distinguish against the busy pattern of the resin. Comes with box and papers, plus an unopened ink bottle.
  
• Price: £309.99. SOLD!
  

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Price is in GBP. The pen will be shipped from the United Kingdom with free worldwide tracked and insured postage.

Does anyone know where in the city I could get wafer paper (sometimes known as rice paper, but not the kind for making spring rolls)? It is edible paper used in making candy like torrone. I can fnd it on Amazon, but I'd rather avoid them if I can.

BRIGHAM YOUNG AND JOHN D. LEE, THE EXECUTOR OF THE MOUNTAIN MEADOWS MASSACRE, WERE JOINED AT THE HIP
THEY WERE “BIRDS OF A FEATHER”
Part III - B
Disposal of Property:
Brigham Young gave cattle stolen from the emigrants during the Massacre to John D. Lee. What to do with cattle in the possession of Brigham Young’s militia (for whatever reason) was a decision Brigham Young was asked to make and made. The Indians were supposed to have ambushed the emigrants all by themselves, yet Brigham’s soldiers ended up in charge of the spoils. Those rewards included seventeen children of tender age later recovered from southern Utah Mormon homes, where they were placed after their parents were murdered. Initially, John D. Lee had charge of Charley Fancher. “I told the Indian to let the boy alone. I took the child up in my arms, and put him back in the wagon, and saved his life. This little boy said his name was Charley Fancher, and that his father was Captain of the train. He was a bright boy. I afterwards adopted him, and gave him to Caroline. She kept him until Dr. Forney took all the children East.” (John D. Lee, “Last Confession and Statement of John D. Lee,” p. 16-17). The possessions of the Arkansas Company were a literal treasure trove of the kinds of things urgently needed on any frontier. Much of what had belonged to those unfortunate emigrants, who were beautifully equipped, was placed in the hands of Phillip Klingensmith, a Mormon Bishop in Cedar City, Utah. Bishop Klingensmith had been a prominent participant in the multi-day attacks against the Fancher party at Mountain Meadows. He would later ignore his dreadful oath and put his life at risk to publicly reveal the disgraceful details of that great American crime.
The cattle assigned by Brigham Young to John D. Lee, after the massacre, were clearly those taken from the murdered emigrants at Mountain Meadows. “At Lee’s first trial [he was saved by a hung jury], Klingensmith testified, and reaffirmed his story under cross-examination, that he and Charles Hopkins had accompanied Lee to the home of Brigham Young while they were in Salt Lake City to attend the October Conference [in 1857], and that President Young told him [Bishop Klingensmith] to give the cattle to Lee to use for the benefit of the Indians and the mission. Klingensmith added that Young also cautioned them, ‘What you know about this, say nothing about it.’” (Cleland and Brooks, Diaries of John D. Lee, Vol. 1, 319 n 18). “Charles Hopkins, a former member of the Mormon Battalion,” settled in southern Utah. “Present at the Mountain Meadows Massacre [and one of the speakers at the council held at the scene of the crime], he was also with Lee and Klingensmith when they discussed the disposal of the emigrants’ cattle with Brigham Young.” (Cleland and Brooks, Diaries of John D. Lee, Vol. 1, 320 n 22).
“If there isn’t a hell, there ought to be.” (Baskin, Reminiscences of Early Utah, 149). Young was a recipient of a carriage stolen from the Mountain Meadows emigrants. It was used by the Mormon leader in Salt Lake City as late as ten years after the crime. R.N. Baskin: “One day in 1867, when I was walking up Main street in Salt Lake city with John Chislet, one of the persons who crossed the plains with one of the celebrated hand-cart trains, but who afterwards apostatized from the church, he pointed to a carriage which was approaching at a few yards distance, and said: ‘That man in the carriage with Brigham Young is John D. Lee, the leader of the Mountain Meadows massacre, and the carriage in which they are riding is one which the emigrants had owned.’ That was the first time I had seen Lee. The carriage was accompanied by Brigham’s mounted, sacred guard. The next time I saw Lee was at his first trial, and I recognized him as the man whom I had before seen in the carriage with Brigham Young.” (R.N. Baskin, Reminiscences of Early Utah, 138-39).
Young lied again, under oath in an affidavit, when he “denied any knowledge of the disposition of the emigrants’ property.” (Baskin, Reminiscences, 116). Brigham Young Affidavit, under oath, July 30, 1875: “Eleventh: Did you ever give any directions concerning the property taken from the emigrants at the Mountain Meadows massacre, or know anything as to its disposition? Answer: No; I never gave any directions concerning the property taken from the company of emigrants at the Mountain Meadows massacre, nor did I know anything of that property or its disposal, and I do not to this day, except from public rumor.”
It was claimed that “Young as Utah’s Governor failed to have Lee arrested . . . oversaw the church appropriation of the spoils, and allowed Lee and Haight to act in the legislature despite his knowledge of their guilt.” (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 393). “Lee claimed Brigham Young told a Cedar City congregation that members of the Fancher party had persecuted the Saints and ‘killed our prophets in Carthage Jail.’” (Bagley, Blood of the Prophets, 249). With hundreds of head of cattle and stolen spoils, the Church’s acquisition, all by itself, puts lie to the claim that the Indians, and not John D. Lee and his minions, did the dirty work. “ . . . ‘Young had the benefit of the property of the murdered Emigrants and defrauded the United States’ by claiming it as his gift to the Indians.” (Prosecutor Sumner Howard informed the U.S. Attorney General “of his belief,” cited at Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 396).
The First Trial – Joined at the Hip:
George Hicks, a brave dissenter in a sea of Saints, was excommunicated for “sending a letter to the Salt Lake Tribune noting that Lee rode his horse ‘by the side of Brigham’s carriage.’” Hicks implied that Young shared in Lee’s well-known guilt. (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 391). An 1874 meeting, after Lee’s excommunication, was the last time the old warriors met. For all of his life – John D. Lee’s life, at least into the 1870s – Brigham Young protected him from apprehension. Lee knew secrets which, if once exposed, threatened the life of Brigham Young, and the future of the Church he ruled from about 1844 to 1877, the date of his death.
Marshall William Stokes captured Lee, found hiding in an animal pen near his house in Panguitch. “Young was clearly worried about his own legal jeopardy.” He “asked Daniel Wells to find the copybook containing his September 10, 1857, letter to Isaac Haight ‘and put it into a safe where it will be secure and at hand if called for.’” (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 391). It is not noted that he requested the same disposition for Haight’s September 7, 1857, Letter to him. He would later deny, under oath, that he could produce his letter to Haight, even after a diligent search, probably because it tacitly encouraged the Indians to do as they liked. The letter to Haight, which was never produced during Young’s lifetime – though he clearly knew exactly where it was – was produced in 1884, after his death. Isaac Haight’s September 7, 1857, Express to Brigham Young, the Mountain Meadows equivalent of the eighteen-and-a-half-minute gap on the Watergate tapes, has never been produced. That letter, perhaps the most important letter the prophet ever received, has been destroyed, concealed or suppressed (like the 1832 first and only Holographic Account of Joseph Smith’s First Vision of the Son without the Father “brought to light” from Joseph Fielding Smith’s office safe in 1965). The loss of Haight’s Letter bespeaks the absurdity of the claim, made by the authors of Vengeance Is Mine, the long-awaited apologetic Church-aided publication of the history of the cover-up, who say that they have received, unlike anyone else ever on earth, one hundred percent of the documents, many held from public view for more than a century by the less-than-transparent Church. Documents seen to pertain to the cover-up of that great American crime. When the Government tried to ascertain in the nineteenth century where the bear hid the honey, pages were removed from dozens of histories and documents, including some from the diaries of John D. Lee. And most particularly Haight’s Express to Young prepared and sent before the final solution at Mountain Meadows ever occurred.
The Second Trial – Brigham Young Betrays His Most Obedient Servant:
“Brigham Young gives unsuccessful order to prevent massacre but becomes accessory after the fact. He later tells participants that he approves of the massacre and lets them know he expects them to exonerate each other in [a] court of law. He publicly intimidates anyone who is inclined to give evidence against Mormon participants. He refuses to give federal authorities information that would implicate nearly all [of the] adults of [a] small Mormon community in [the] massacre and division of victims’ property. Then, when total denial becomes impossible, Young scapegoats three men through excommunication and arranges for participants to testify against (and jurymen to convict) only John D. Lee, Brigham Young’s adopted son and Council of Fifty member.” (Quinn, Extensions of Power, 755-56). Lee challenged the excommunication and asked for a hearing. Young promised him relief. In a letter from Apostle Erastus Snow delivered by one of Snow’s sons, that Lee “knew” had been “written by orders of Brigham Young,” Lee learned that Brigham Young didn’t mean what he had said about the excommunication. He had told his colleague, “I am your friend and not your enemy. You shall have a rehearing.” (Lee, Confessions, 265). The letter, however, told Lee, “You will not press an investigation at this time . . . . Our advice is to make yourself scarce, and keep out of the way.” (Ibid., 266). “When I read the letter, I knew I had nothing to hope for from the Church, and my grief was as great as I could bear. To add to my troubles, Brigham Young sent word to my wives that they were all divorced from me and could leave me if they wished to do so. This was the greatest trouble that I had ever had in my life, for I loved all my wives.” In consequence of Brigham’s advice, “eleven of my wives deserted me . . . .”
A verdict in a second trial, following a hung jury in a first trial, convinced Lee that Church leaders had selected him to be the “scapegoat.” “In Lee’s mind, Young had decided to offer his blood [Lee’s blood] as an atonement for the sins of all those complicit in the massacre.” “The verdict dissolved the fidelity Lee had long maintained toward his surrogate father.” (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 394). Daniel H. Wells, a weasel, close to the prophet and the militia, traveled south to superintend the cynical process, reporting the facts back to his boss. The deceitful plan was intended to direct criticism (and punishment) elsewhere.
Lee insinuated Brigham Young’s guilt for the Mountain Meadows Massacre in a brief but fiery speech delivered to the crowd assembled to view his execution in 1877. Two weeks later, at the dedication of the St. George temple, Brigham Young worried that he too might be arrested “after Lee’s insinuation of his guilt.” (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 404). Lee’s intransigence surfaced at the execution, and in his end-of-life account, Mormonism Unveiled. Brigham Young noticed, and was shaken by, his adopted son’s criticism. Approximately six months after the execution of his previously trusted servant, Brigham also passed the torch. Perhaps, in the halls of a Mormon heaven, a disentangled John D. Lee, who dismissed his previously precious Master on the day of his death with an embittered reprisal, may have something further to say.
As evidence of the final break between the two old warriors, as reflected in Lee’s end-of-life concerns, Young and Daniel H. Wells gave an interview to a New York Herald correspondent. Lee is dead, and Young and Wells can say whatever they like without fear of rebuttal. “Lee,” they said, “and a few other sinners took advantage of the emigrants’ boorish behavior and the unsettled state of the territory to gratify their desire for plunder.” (Turner, Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, 397). It was an ultimate insult, the unkindest cut of all. A cruel and thoughtless postmortem. Young’s biographer, John G. Turner, noted, by way of response that, “No amount of friendly journalism or further statements by church leaders would have removed the dark stain the Mountain Meadows Massacre had left on Young’s reputation.” (Ibid., 397). There had been no punishment for two decades, and when the reckoning came, one fanatic paid with his life for the deaths of one hundred and twenty emigrants, men, women and children. Every other offender skated, avoiding responsibility for that great American crime. There was no impartial investigation. There was no ecclesiastical punishment for more than a hundred people implicated one way or another in the atrocity at Mountain Meadows. And until, and even until some time after 1870, Brigham Young protected his subordinate from efforts to bring even him, one man, to justice.
A Final Analysis:
John D. Lee, because of his privileged access to Brigham Young, was not just a local leader. He was Young’s southern Utah alter ego. As the southern Utah emissary of the supreme leader, his jurisdiction, like that of Porter Rockwell (another notorious enforcer with notches on his belt), may be seen as that of a deputy at large, as an agent without boundaries. No southern Utah leader – not Haight, Higbee, Dame, Klingensmith, or any of very many others – had John D. Lee’s “cojones,” or equal access to the prophet’s ear. The bonds between the violent leader, and his most obedient servant, were eternal. The thought that these two men were ambivalent about their shared objectives, at odds with each other and dishonest in their personal communications, one with another, is farcical. As is the notion that the sly fox was deaf and dumb and blind for more than a decade. Lee was Brigham Young’s strong southern Utah competence, the man among men who knew what his master required. Young’s harsh rhetoric, violent to extreme, George Albert Smith’s harsh rhetoric, equally ugly, Young’s incitement of the southern leaders and chiefs, his invitations to Indian allies on the northern and southern routes to steal the emigrants’ cattle, martial law, the Prophet’s restrictions on overland travel, and his indifference to his militia’s murders and beheadings of Indians and dissidents hardly bespoke tender feelings capable of ever being “harrowed” up.
After it became apparent to everyone that the old story (the Indians did it, the Mormons did not) had no legs, that longstanding “official lie,” told to everyone everywhere many thousands of times until 1869 was abruptly abandoned. “The Salt Lake Tribune later noted the policy change. For twelve years [1857 to 1869] their voice [the voice of the Church] was one of indignant denial that any Mormons were engaged in the affair.” By 1869, any person who believed that tall tale was deaf, dumb, blind or devious. “[After a few hesitating admissions in 1871], ‘the whole Mormon people [turning on a dime] changed front as suddenly as a well-drilled regimine,’ the paper noted caustically. LDS newspapers had furiously denounced the Tribune for accusing Mormons, but the denunciations were now aimed at Haight, Higbee and Lee. ‘The defense they then had for all the Mormons they now reserve for Brigham Young and the heads of the Church,’ the Tribune noted.” (Bagley, Blood of the Prophets, 270-71). To understand that ignominious policy change is to understand the central theme of the new book on the cover-up, Vengeance Is Mine. Blame anyone else for whatever you will, but protect the tyrant Brigham Young. The book, by faithful Mormon authors, with the assistance of the Church, is just the latest effort to put that burr on someone else’s saddle. The Tribune spoke the truth to the Saints in 1873. “If they were so badly mistaken in the former case, is it not just possible that they are mistaken as to Brigham’s innocence?” (Salt Lake Tribune, cited at Bagley, Blood of the Prophets, 271).
“Called to be the presiding elder of the branch at Harmony on December 22, 1861 [four years after the massacre], he [Lee] was sustained with the typical unanimous vote and invited everyone in the settlement to a great Christmas feast. Before the celebration ended, it began to rain. It would not stop for forty days . . . . The upper story of Sarah Caroline’s house collapsed and crushed two of Lee’s sleeping children, killing them.” “Lee, who saw the hand of God in everything, blamed himself for the catastrophe.” (Bagley, Blood of the Prophets, 299). “Great torrents ripped through the fields of Mountain Meadows and cut the trace of Magotsu Creek into a deep arroyo. The resulting disruption of the water table changed the valley from a luxuriant oasis into a sagebrush plain, a transformation that helped to inspire the local belief that God had cursed the place.” (Ibid., 250). “[Juanita] Brooks reported that 857 families had lived in Cedar City in 1857, but two years later only 386 were left. Official church records indicate the depopulation was even more dramatic, that only about twenty families remained in Cedar City in April 1859.” (Ibid., 242).
In the final analysis, this buck stopped with Brigham Young, and with the right-hand man attached to his hip in a Mormon temple. And to the shared history and experiences of two fanatical rascals. To those a disappointed George Hicks, a man who had weathered many storms, was heard to call, for the best of all good reasons, “Birds of a feather.”
Website: MormonismUnderTheMicroscope.com

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