Having read a comprehensive book detailing the Hart Family/ Stampede Wrestling, as well as books by Bret Hart, Bruce Hart and Dynamite Kid, I can say it was great to hear from someone who was spoken about in all those books. It is fascinating to see all the intersecting points of view when it comes to anything Hart Family related.
Bret Hart book
Bruce Hart book
History of Stampede Wrestling book
History of the Hart Family as documented in various books
Dynamite Kid book
This book was short and a quick read, but you could tell it was written with honesty and truth. She doesn't shy away from her own mistakes and issues while detailing the own POV on a relationship where most people have only heard from Bret.
As always, it's done in chronological order. I hope you find it as interesting as I did...
Julie had a truly wild and horrific youth experience between being sent to juvenile detention centers and dealing with genuinely abusive step parents. She is honest and critical of her own behaviors as well and doesn't like the choices she made. I grew up in the area where she spent her teenage years, and I can confirm that the seedy ghetto areas of Saskatchewan are genuinely gross and terrifying places to be when you're young and directionless.
She talks about how she was r*ped while hitchhiking as a teenager and got pregnant. She gave the baby up for adoption and tried to press charges but got cold feet and ran to another neighboring city. She was afraid the man who assaulted her would escape the charges and come after her again. She was young and naively thought that if she had just switched towns, she could escape everything. When a cop found her, he accused her of running because she was lying about the assault. This type of bullshit is why women don't come forward.
Julie was working in Regina, Saskatchewan, at the arena where wrestling was held when it came in town. That's where she first saw Bret Hart, and Bret saw her too. He ended up asking her boss Gil to introduce the two. Bret spoke about this in his book, too, how Julie caught his eye while he was in the ring. Gil later warned Julie that dating a wrestler is risky because they have a lot of "stops on the road." Julie didn't understand that Gil wasn't criticizing or accusing Bret of anything, but how he knew how wrestlers were on the road, in terms of meeting women.
Julie speaks favorably on how Bret treated her younger sister Michelle (the future wife of Dynamite Kid) but I remember in Bret's book, him describing in detail how attracted he was to the underage Michelle when he met her. Julie says Bret treated her like a sister, and her book came out after Bret's, so I'll take her word for it.
Julie moved in with Bret in Calgary just a few months into their relationship and she remembers being a wreck of nerves and anxiety ay the start, unable to cook or even attend the big Hart Family Sunday dinner. Eventually, Bret got her out to the Hart house where she met Stu and Helen Hart. Helen was a sweetheart, but she remembers Stu eying her up and down, with Julie saying, "He gave me the once over." Adding, "Stu judged women on their teeth and legs." She said Stu stared at her teeth and legs as if she were a race horse he was inspecting.
Julie remembers how Stu would turn any conversation into something about wrestling. She mentioned being a Saskatchewan Roughrider fan (Canadian football team), and Stu went on a rant about Gene Kiniski, who briefly played for the Edmonton Eskimos This made me chuckle as Stu and Gene had a but of a rough relationship since Stu gave up on Gene when he was a rookie and hurt his knee. Gene went to Toronto where "Whipper" Billy Watson essentially turned Gene into the big name star he was known for.
In Bret's book, he described the first night Julie came to the Sunday Hart dinner and when Julie passed on the salad, Bret's sister Diana Hart snapped on her saying, "What, you're too good for fuckin' salad!?" Bret says his mom responded by saying to Julie, "So you met Bret's sister Diana." In Julie's book, she describes this event as well but doesn't mention the funny line from Helen. She says Bret just took Julie and decided to leave immediately. Bret's other sister, Georgia, followed them outside and apologized on behalf of Diana and excused Diana by pointing out how pregnant Diana was at the time.
Julie actually puts over Diana quite a bit and says she actually came to admire Diana for how outspoken she was. She says Diana had a great style and was a gifted artist. After reading so many Hart related books, it's refreshing to hear something positive about Diana. Diana is the "Black sheep" who married "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith. Diana would write a scandalous and legal minefield of a book in 2001 called "Under the mat." It was quickly pulled from shelves after Owen Hart's widow Martha threatened legal action over what was said about her and Owen. Bret and Bruce Hart also denounce the book, calling it mostly lies, but not everything can be written off as fiction, including stories, some wild stores about Dean Hart. I desperately need this book.
Julie said she never got over the sight of Bret Hart eating an avacado as if it were an apple.
While Bret was in Japan wrestling with his brother Keith, Julie said she spent a lot of time with Keith's girlfriend. It was Keith's girlfriend who smartened Julie up to how wrestling works. Up to this point, she believed it to be legit, and even Bret had been selling it like this to her. She was furious, and when Bret called, she told him they were done and hung up on him. The next day, Bret's older brother Bruce stopped by to help her understand kayfabe and how silly it all was. Julie says she ended up feeling bad for reacting like that and yelling at Bret, but she says he forgave her immediately. Bret tells this same story in his book, adding details of how Julie would worry and stress about Bret Hart being brutalized every night.
Here's something I dont remember from Bret's book. He knocked up Julie very early into their relationship, and Julie got an abortion. She said they both weren't ready for being parents, but Julie says she was deeply saddened by their choice. She never expressed these misgivings with Bret, and assumes Bret was relieved, she didn't make it any more difficult on them. To Bret's credit, maybe he didn't mention it in his book for Julie's benefit. Or he did mention it very briefly, and I missed it.
Julie remembers accompanying Bret on a trip overseas where they went to a freaky sex show place where they had "baby tigers and lions and torture rooms."" She says at one point Bret got tied up on a table and was playfully whipped.
On this trip, Julie remembers a woman hitting on Bret right in front of her and had to yell at her to back off while Bret laughed. Julie was pissed and made them go back to the hotel. Once there, Julie was mouthing off to Bret before he grabbed her and "bodyslammed" her into the flower bed. He offered to help her up afterwards but she told him to fuck off.
A week later Bret came home smelling of perfume and Julie says she just snapped. She said she grabbed him and dug her finger nails into his face and eyes. She says Bret later would tell her that he never saw her the same after this incident. I don't remember Bret describing Julie ever getting physical like that in his book, but he did describe a lot of shouting matches.
Julie says she and Bret got married after her younger sister and Dynamite Kid. She says they got married in secret because Bret didn't like his siblings much and said they didn't deserve to be part of it.
When Julie was pregnant again this time they felt ready to start a family. Though Bret made Julie not tell anyone for the first 5 months of her pregnancy and when he "told" his parents, it was through a letter he left on their bed before he left for a wrestling tour. Julie remembers feeling hurt by this because Bret would say his parents always wanted their children to start families with someone who had money, a significant name and an education. Julie had none of those things and while she doesn't say it, you get the feeling that she thinks Bret was ashamed or embarrassed by her.
When she got pregnant again, she says Bret was mad at her for not being more careful with birth control. She says she became very irritable and bitchy throughout the pregnancy and always found something to be mad at Bret for. She is super critical of her behavior here and doesn't excuse it.
The night she gave birth, Bret left to go out for drinks, despite Julie asking him not to in case her water broke. When she woke up at 5am to her water breaking, she was furious that Bret didn't come home yet and had to call a friend to get her to the hospital. Bret was a no-show for her entire delivery and missed his second child being born. Julie says she was furious and seriously considered divorcing him then.
When Bret started touring with WWF, he was gone for much longer periods of time and this strained their marriage. Working for WWF really put a strain on Bret and filled him with confidence issues as well. She said between his self doubt and her loneliness, their marriage was barely holding on.
She remembers how Bret would call from the road and bemoan about how lonely he was. I'm reminded of his book, how he would complain about feeling lonely, then complain that the guilt of cheating on Julie was too much.
Julie says she got a literal itch and went to a doctor who told her that she caught "something" from a public washroom. A suspicious Julie went home and threw all her bedding in the garbage and then thought to check on her suspicion. She looked through their phone bills to find that Bret was placing a ton of calls to a girl from New Jersey and that he even kept the receipt for a Christmas present he bought this girl!
Julie describes how Bret called and she just screamed "I want a divorce!" Before she hung up and ripped the phone cord out of the wall. Eventually she agreed to go meet him and they started yelling at each other in a parking lot after a show. She says at one point Bret through a can of budweiser at her head, hitting her! She says wrestler Les Thorton got between the two and tried to calm them down. She remembers screaming how she won't get in the car with Bret and Bret yelled back, "Don't be stupid, get in the car! Your embarrassing yourself!" She says Bret later said the girl meant nothing to him and Julie should be greatful that Bret isn't addicted to drugs. Wild. At one point when they were back in the hotel room, a girl called the room asking for Bret and Julie snapped, breaking a lamp.
In Bret's book, he described how he decieved both Julie and this girl from New Jersey, neglecting to tell this side girl that he was married until she was head over heels in love with him. Bret talks about how tough this was for him and says that Stu and Helen Hart talked Julie out of leaving him.
Julie says their relationship was never the same after the affair. She couldn't trust him again.
Julie says when her grandmother died a few months after the affair, Bret was calling her everyday to check in but she said "I couldn't have cared less about those calls."
Julie says it was around this time that she and Bret started to regularly do cocaine. She said the coke helped her not think about the affair and how she would ask Bret to score some if she couldn't get it out of her head. She said she would do coke and sleep in the car just to avoid Bret. She suggests this all slowed down when Vince started cracking down on coke use with drug tests.
She speaks highly of Vince McMahon, this book was written in 2013, and she is greatful for what Vince was able to provide for her family and the opportunity he gave Bret. She says when she first met Vince, he was wearing a suit and sneakers. When she asked Bret why he wore sneakers, Bret said "so he can get around." During the show she noticed Vince was all over the place during matches, never sitting still and always running around from one person to another.
Julie remembers meeting Ozzy Osbourne at Wrestlemania 2 and "marking out" because he was her idol as a teenager. After the show, she says Ozzy was present as everyone had drinks at the hotel and Dynamite Kid spiked her drink. She said she could barely stand and Dynamite just laughed at her the whole time.
Julie notes how devoted Bret was to making sure his kids had the best toys, and how Bret would drive to every toy store before Christmas and find what the kids wanted. She appreciates this but also wishes Bret didn't miss so many plays and dances and activities due to his schedule. She was starting to really resent wrestling and wanted Bret to quit. She hated having this big house that felt empty most of the time without Bret home. In Bret's book, he wanted her to get a job to fix her loneliness.
She says her 3rd pregnancy was easier than her second and Bret was very sweet to her and praised how good she looked.
Julie brings up how devastated Bret was when his brother Dean died in 1990. She remembers watching him wrestle the next night at Survivor Series ppv and seeing the pain on his face. Bret talks about how tough this was in his book and how much shame he felt. Dean needed a kidney transplant and none of the Hart brothers stepped up. Bret didn't want to derail his career. Though you can't blame anyone more than Dean himself, who was stubborn and often went against doctors orders, so even with a mew kidney, Dean may have still died.
Julie talks about continuing her partying and drug lifestyle into the early 90s when she would party with a local band and inviting them to live at her house. She said Bret was very understanding and never pushed her for details on those nights out. Some nights Bret would watch the kids all night while Julie was getting fucked up and partying.
On of those musicians, Marc, was very close with Julie and while Julie never says she hooked up, she does say her younger sister Michelle did hook up with Marc, a bunch of times in secret. She doesn't specify if this was before or after Michelle left Dynamite Kid, but she says Marc did move in with Michelle and help her with the kids. This would have been after Dynamite went back to UK, since I'm sure Dynamite would have kicked the door down and attempted to murder Marc if this were in the final months of of Michelle and Dynamite's marriage.
Julie's brother committed suicide and Julie didn't have the support system around to prevent her from spiraling into heavy drinking.
In 1996, Bret Hart was filming a movie (Sinbad) in South Africa and halfway through, asked Julie to come join him. Julie is very honest about how she was self sabatoging her life at this point but was still deeply in love with Bret. She was excited to read an early draft of some Shakespeare work that was at a museum, but Bret couldn't be bothered to go with her so she went by herself.
She says her and Bret shared a perfect moment watching the sun set, but Bret got mad at her when she decided to record it.
Julie describes sneaking cigarettes because Bret didn't know she picked the habbit up again.
The trip ended when Julie was asking Bret something but he just ignored her several times in a row. When she finally looked at what had his attention, she saw he was gawking at a topless sunbather on the beach. She stormed off to the hotel room after telling Bret to show her more respect than that. Julie says Bret followed her to the room, with him saying she always ruins these trips. When Julie started packing her bags, she says Bret pushed her hard onto the bed. She started spewing insults at him, before, she says, Bret grabbed her by the hair and threw her from the bed and onto the floor! Julie says she started crying and demanding that Bret get her home immediately or else she would find someone who would. Bret screamed at her "Get the fuck out! I've had it with you! We're fucking done! I will put you on a plane tonight, but don't expect to win me back!"
Having read Bret's book, he does mention the trip to South Africa where he filmed the Sinbad movie. But Bret makes no mention of inviting Julie on the trip and instead points out how it coincided with a WWF tour in South Africa at the same time. Bret does talk about how the Dutch found the area and how beautiful itnwas there, which was something Julie mentioned as well that Bret talked about. Bret does mention getting a lot of ladies phone numbers on the last few days of the trip and seeing a drunk Yokozuna swapping spit with some South African PR woman when they were both very drunk. Bret makes no mention of Julie being there or how he got physical with her.
The Hart's always try to shy away from controversial truths, just ask any one of them where Bruce Hart met his wife. They will all say at a wrestling show, and neglect to mention how Bruce Hart was a 33 year old substitute teacher who knocked up his 17 year old student. Gross. (I'll never not bring this up when talking about the Hart's btw)
Julie talks about Mathew Hart, Georgia and BJ's son who died in 1996 from Necrotizing Fasciitis, a legitimate flesh eating virus. From everyone's account, the poor boy suffered for 2 weeks until he died. Julie says she and Bret took their kids on vacation when the poor kid died. A lot of people act as though the Hart Family curse started at the Screwjob in 1997, but really it started with Dean in 1990 and Mathew in 1996.
Julie remembers how gleeful Bret was when he called her up and bragged about giving a drunken Vince McMahon his tag team finishing move. Julie warned Bret that Vince wasn't the type to forget that and she suspects that it played a part in the screwjob. This sounds silly imo but what do I know, I found it an interesting and unique take if nothing else.
Julie remembers the morning of the 1997 Survivor Series ppv, someone warned Bret that Vince and Shawn were seen the night before talking and getting into an elevator together.
Julie says she and her lawyer were sitting somewhere in the arena as the Montreal Screwjob happened. Julie says she got up, looking at the monitor and said, "Holy shit, that's not supposed to happen!" And her lawyer, also shocked, said, "No, it is not."
Julie says she and the layer had to sprint to catch up to Bret and Vince and she describes her scolding of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, saying the words just poured out of her. It's maybe the most memorable scene of that documentary, watching Triple H and HBK shrink into children as Julie dresses them down.
Julie says the 1997 holidays were anything but cheerful and says she was boozing a lot and doing coke "from time to time."
Julie wanted to get a nanny or house keeper but Bret refused and put his foot down on the subject.
Julie says Bret asked for a divorce in early 1998 and she handled it poorly. She is critical of her immediate response to run away from home and stay at a hotel. When she returned home for clothes, her confused daughter asked her what was going on and a rageful Julie said "Your dad wants a divorce and I can't stay in the same house as him anymore! Julie says she was so blinded by her anger she didn't see the damage she was doing then.
Julie says that the Wrestling with Shadow's documentary crew needed Julie and Bret to reshoot something that didn't come out right when they originally shot it. So Julie and Bret had to pretend to be a in a marriage again talking things out about Bret's career. Julie says her and Bret slept together after they shot the scene and she was hurt when Bret said afterward, "One for the road, I guess."
The next time she heard from Bret, he told her to get a lawyer because he had one already.
Julie says she and Bret spent many nights yelling at eachother over the phone, with Bret calling her a whore and saying he didn't take all those bumps so Julie to take all his money. This is a statement Bret would repeat a lot to Julie over the years of them fighting. He would call her a money grabbing whore and how he didn't take a bunch of bumps so Julie could end up with the money.
Just as Julie was ready to sign custody papers, Bret's personal assistant contacted Julie and told her that Bret had been seeing some girl in the States for months. The assistant said she felt guilty arranging their meetups behind Julie's back. Julie said she later told Bret that she isn't signing shit and she needed to contact her lawyers with the new developments. She said Bret first tried denying it, calling his assistant jealous and a liar. Then Bret blamed Julie because Bret said he "couldn't get past her traumatic past." What the fuck Bret, I'm pretty sure he is referring to Julie being sexually assaulted as a teenager. (He makes this clear later in the book) Then he bragged about his new girl looking better than Julie and being younger than Julie, with Bret also saying the kids will love the new girl. Bret even later said Julie was getting heavier and letting herself go.
Pretty wild story here. Julie says that Bret started neglecting the kids, even when he was in town, and often skipped out on seeing them altogether. For Canada Day 1998 Bret promised to take them out and to the fireworks. Julie says they waited all day, expecting a fun evening with their dad. But Bret didn't show up with their friend Dean, until after 9pm, (stoned and drunk according to Julie) after Julie tried to call Bret repeatedly and got no answer.
Julie isn't proud of this, but says before Bret arrived that night, Julie had sat the kids down and told them Bret was off smoking pot with a new girlfriend. Julie knew immediately she shouldn't have said it, she saw her kids starting to cry and knew she tarnished how they look at their dad.
Bret was pissed off that Julie decided to take the kids to the fireworks, and when Julie had herself and the kids in the car, an enraged Bret started punching the drivers side window until Julie agreed to get out and talk.
Bret grabbed and dragged her off around the corner of the house where Julie defiantly told him that the kids know he smokes pot and is seeing someone else.
Julie says Bret snapped, slammed her hard up against the wall and yelled, "You bitch! I hate you! I hate you!" Then Julie claims that Bret grabbed her by the throat and slammed her on the ground where he continued to choke her until their son Blade came around the corner and screamed at Bret to get off his mom!
As Julie was catching her breath, their friend Dean, who was still there and in shock, tried to help Julie up. Bret took off with their son Blade and a panicked Julie called the police. She foolishly said to the 911 opperater that her husband pro wrestler, Bret Hart, had taken her child againt her will. The police arrived and seemingly didn't know who Bret was, tried to get Julie to press charges. The police were able to call Bret and convince him to bring the kid to the police station, so the cops could bring him home. Bret makes no mention of this in his book.
Julie says Bret stopped by the next day and apologized and tried to ask her to sit down for coffee. Julie explained how they scarred their children for life the night prior and she wasn't interested in speaking to him in friendly terms yet.
Julie defends Bret a bit by saying she could see in person that she wasn't the cause of his anger and that he was just deeply angry and disappointed with things. This would be 1998 and even Bret describes how bitter and despondent he was at this time. Julie says he stopped being around the kids and it hurt them, especially their boys Blade and Dallas who started getting a chip on their shoulders and seeking conflict. One time Julie asked Dallas about Bret and Dallas said, "He never calls and is never around."
Julie says things were getting stable but she and Bret started secretly sleeping together again and complicated things. She says Bret would pick her up and drove to a seedy part of town before casually dropping her off at home after. She says she was initially amused by this but eventually began to wonder how many other women Bret does this with. It made her feel uncomfortable to say the least.
One time as she was being dropped off, Julie asked Bret if he was happy. Bret said no and that he couldn't get happy. Then Bret asked if Julie was seeing anyone, but didn't let her answer, he just said "of course you are." Julie realizes now that Bret was suffering some deep depression and at the time she mistook codependency for love.
Eventually Bret's other girlfriend caught wind of his and Julie's rendezvous and made Bret break things off. Julie could hear the woman on the other end of the line when Bret called to inform Julie that they need to set boundaries in their relationship now.
Julie says Bret once called her to say he tested for hepatitis and that Julie should get checked out as well.
Julie later found out that the girl Bret was seeing was nearly the same age as their daughter.
Julie says her and Bret continued to sleep together behind his girlfriends back though, with Bret always asking for "coffee" before making a move, which Julie always reciprocated.
Bret would break up with his girlfriend near the end of 1998 and ask Julie if he can spend the holidays with her and the kids. Julie relents, and soon they seem to be trying to salvage their relationship with Bret more present then he ever has been.
Soon after the new year, Bret and Julie take a trip together to Hawaii. Julie finally builds up the courage to ask Bret what he thinks of them getting back together, and Bret says he doesn't want to get "trapped" again. Julie snapped and said, "That's it I'm done, I can't keep playing these games with you!"
During this conversation, as Julie was walking away, Bret randomly said, "My therapist said that sometimes girls, like the ones your age when all that stuff happens to you, they like it." Julie burst into tears and ran out of the room. What the fuck Bret, to imply that that when his wife was a 16 year old girl, she liked getting r*ped!
Helen Hart died a few weeks after 9/11 in 2001. She was from New York, and Julie remembers how devastated Helen was following the September attacks. Helen went back to New York a few weeks later to visit her sister, but due to the border concerns, she was held up for hours after her plane landed back in Calgary. She wasn't able to reach her insulin and eventually went into a coma.
Helen was on an off ventilation a few times while at the hospital, and one day Alison (Bret's sister) called and told him to come visit asap, because Helen was back on a ventilator and it wasn't looking good. Bret thought Alison being an alarmist and decided to visit the next day. Julie says she wishes they had visited that night, because Helen passed away a few hours later.
One afternoon, Julie came home to find her son Dallas on the phone, when she asked him who he was speaking to, Dallas said, "It's dad, but he sounds drunk." Bret told Julie that he fell off his bike and couldn't get up. He wasn't speaking clearly and couldn't properly explain where he was. Julie and her daughter Beans, drove around looking for Bret based off his perception and directions.
Julie and Beans found him laying casually in the grass, as if he was resting. She said one of Bret's eyes was wide open and the other was closed, and half his mouth was dropping. She struggled to move him as he slurred his words and insisted he was fine. Eventually an ambulance was called and Bret was loaded in.
Julie says the stroke changed him, made him mooder and more depressed. She isn't casting judgment, just pointing out changes she noticed as she spent every day at the hospital with him, helping to feed and cloth Bret, even helping him to the bathroom.
Julie remembers one night that Bret confided in her that he feared he got a stroke as punishment for all the bad things he done. He told her that the morning he got a stroke, he was planning on signing the divorce papers.
Several months later, with Bret moving aorund more, he spent Easter with Julie and the kids, but Julie found an email from some woman in Italy, directed to Bret and it suggested some heavy sexual stuff. Julie felt stupid and used again. When she confronted him on it, he denied anything and she reluctantly believed him.
A week later as Bret prepared for a trip, she found a plane ticket to Italy, when she asked Bret where he was going, he said England. Julie drove him to the airport and told him to get the fuck out.
Bret went to Italy to be with a fan he met at a contract signing, who was obsessed with him since she was a little girl. Julie says she is exactly what Bret needed to feel like the Hitman again. After reading Bret's book, this assessment is completely accurate.
The Italian woman's name was Cynthia and she was also just a year older than Bret's daughter Jade. Julie said Jade had the hardest time accepting Cynthia, whom Bret was determined to integrate into the family.
When Bret's dad Stu died, Julie remembers how she, Bret and Stu's granddaughter Jenni all stood by the bed and watched as he passed. She remembers how she kissed his cheek and told him he could go see Helen now, he didn't need to be here and longer. I remember the speech Stu gave at Helen's funeral, with one line in particular staying with me, "I'm glad for the time I had with her," he said full of love, but his pain was on display too, "Ill never get over this" he finished solemnly, "I don't have enough time."
Julie remembers one day that their son Blade called her from Bret's house, begging for her to pick him up. Blade and Bret started arguing about Cynthia, with Bret saying to his own son, "Don't make me pick between you and Cynthia, because I'll pick Cynthia! And if you don't like it you can get the fuck out!"
Julie started calling Bret "Hitman" when he acted like this to his children, with Julie telling them that their father still loves him and not to worry about what The Hitman says, because it's coming from a broken mind.
One day after Julie bought a house, Bret randomly showed up with a turkey and tried to hit on her. Julie found it amusing and asked him if Cynthia knew he was there. Bret tried to make a move on her but Julie made it clear that won't happen so Bret left. As he left, he told Julie, "I still have cravings for you and I'm not sure I'll ever get over them." To which Julie just cooly responded with, "You will."
After Bret left that day, Julie called his assistant who confirmed that Cynthia was literally on a plane back to Italy right then. Julie laughed at how pathetic it was for Bret to say goodbye to Cynthia and then an hour or two later, show up at Julie's with a turkey and looking for sex.
Bret secretly married Cynthia and months later told the kids after the fact. Their son Blade was so furious he could barely speak to Julie when he got home and eventually blurted out, "Dad married that girl!" Their other son Dallas was also furious and explained how Bret callously told the kids "tell your mom, make sure you tell your mom." He was clearly trying to hurt Julie and used the kids to do so.
When Bret was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2006, Julie insisted on going and told Bret if he doesn't find a way for her to be there, then she would call Vince McMahon herself and arrange it. Bret promised her she would be there but asked her to be discreet about it.
Julie got asked to do an online interview leading up to the Hall of Fame, and she let slip that she would be at the show to support Bret. Later, an irate Bret called her, yelling about how she was supposed to be discreet. Julie clued in on the fact that Bret didn't tell his new wife yet about Julie coming and now he was in hot water. In the end, Bret refused to allow Julie to come to the Hall of Fame to support him.
In Bret's Hall of Fame speech, he just talked about his new wife and how Cynthia was there for him after his stroke and just put her over big. He didn't mention Julie and only mentioned 2 of his 4 children. She says her children were extremely hurt by this and calls it the ultimate betrayal.
Julie started running low on money in 2008 and even attempted to be on a reality show. It was all a BS scam though and she had to invest money into it and eventually it all fell through. She speaks of this with a bit of shame while framing it as something she learned from.
Julie was facing bankruptcy and foreclosure on the house, so as a last resort, she called Bret. She asked him for 9 grand to cover 3 mortgage payments so she can sell the house. Bret chastised her for having money problems before ultimately saying no. He suggested that she rent the house out or have the kids pay rent. As they left, Julie warned him that if she loses the house, Bret may need to take the kids at him place. She doesn't say what he said to this, but she does say, "His response was too cruel to put into writing." Good lord, considering all she told so far, I wonder what Bret said that was so bad, Julie didn't want to even write it down?
Julie does point out that Bret didn't owe her a damn thing and she was in this situation by her own doing. Julie felt like she was letting her kids down most of all.
Julie would move in with her daughter Beans where they split the rent together. She got a job making $14/hour working as a janitor at a local middle school and Julie notes that she was living well below the poverty line.
Julie remembers how absurd it was for her to show up to her janitor job driving a Lexus.
Julie ended up selling her Lexus to her daughter Beans, and Julie bought herself a 1999 Sunfire. It was the first car she ever bought with her own money.
Julie's father died in 2012 and Julie says she wrote a letter to him, promising to make him proud, and stuffed it inside his coffin.
Julie says she spends most of her days being a grandma to Jade's daughter and how grateful she is to be close to her kids still.
Bret can't say the same, Julie notes how he travels alone or with his wife and never offers invites to his kids. She says it breaks her heart to see how far Bret drifted away from their children, even if all her kids insist that they don't care. This was in 2013, so potentially Bret and his kinds could have a better relationship by now.
Julie spends the last several pages of the book detailing her kids and all the ways she loves them. You can tell she is a mother first and foremost, you can tell she loves them unconditionally. Jade, Dallas, Beans and Blade, weird names for kids but I also have a weird name so I can't judge.

Now that the Flyers know they will be picking 12th Overall I wanted to take a look at who the Flyers could have the opportunity to pick there. As many of you may know, this draft is pretty topsy-turvy with little consensus beyond Celebrini going first overall, but as Bob McKenzie pointed out, that doesn't mean there isn't some agreement where some guys should land. There is some agreement that after Celebrini there are five players (Ivan Demidov, Sam Dickinson, Artyom Levshunov, Cayden Lindstrom, and Anton Silayev) that are typically seen as a tier above the next group. Not saying these guys will go picks 2-6, but they will all very likely be top 10 picks.
After that is when things get harder to predict with a large group of about 7 players that are all in a tier of their own. I'll also mention that Bob McKenzie on twitter gave an explanation as to why his recent draft ranking went to 15 and not 16, saying that he asks scouts for their top 10 and there was more consensus among the scouts he surveyed for those top 15 players. He mentioned he could have put a 16th skater, there were just fewer people that had that player in the top 10. I won't focus on McKenzie's 14th and 15th ranked skaters (late rising Beckett Sennecke and Trevor Connelly who comes some concerning off-ice issues), and instead focus on the players Bob McKenzie has ranked 7th-13th, but who could potentially be drafted anywhere between 2nd and 15th. I'll also add in one player who isn't listed on McKenzie's rankings, but I could see the Flyers picking up (if he is even on the board when they pick).
I'll list them in order of McKenzie's rankings but also give their Elite Prospects (EP) consolidated ranking, as well as the range of where they are ranked on other lists. I'll then give who I think who will be available when the Flyers pick.
Zayne Parekh - 6'0 RHD - Saginaw Spirit (OHL) EP consolidated ranking: 10, Range: 3-13 Parekh got on a lot of radars last year by setting the record for most goals by a 16 year old defenseman in the OHL. He followed that up with the highest scoring draft year for a defenseman in the OHL in over 30 years. Parekh is arguably the most offensively dynamic player in the draft after Celebrini. He has great speed that he pairs with very fluid skating, similar to someone like Cale Makar, and he pairs that with great hands and great shot, and amazing offensive vision and instincts. He can create offense on the rush, standing at the point, and reading the opportunities and collapsing in to overwhelm defenders. While is offense is off the charts his defensive zone play is quite the struggle. You see this narrative a lot with these types of defenseman, but with Parekh I feel like if he was even just a little bit better at D he would be in that next tier up where bigger guys like Levshunov and Dickinson provide high level defense as well as put up great offensive numbers. Parekh has drawn comparisons to Erik Karlsson, but there is a thinner line than you'd expect between Erik Karlsson and Tony Deangelo. And the line between those guys isn't as much about how they correct their defense, but if their offense can really reach another level.
Zeev Buium - 6'0 LHD - Denver Pioneers (NCAA) EP Consolidated: 9, Range: 5-16 Buium was a late riser coming out of a solid, but not exceptional 16/17 year old season with the NTDP. That changed when he got to Denver where he started taking minutes from more established players, eventually becoming the team's top D in route to a National Championship. He also played a major role in helping the US win Gold at the World Juniors. While he doesn't have the insane offense of Parekh, he is still likely the second best offensive defenseman in the draft. Buium has the added benefit of being much more sound defensively than Parekh, with Buium's defensive awareness that may not put him on a level of someone like Sam Dickinson, but it's still an attribute and it's highly likely he'll be able to improve his defense going forward. He isn't very physical and can lose puck battles against bigger and stronger opponents, and he doesn't have the nasty streak that sometimes pops up in Parekh's game, but beyond that it's hard to find holes in his game.
Konsta Helenius - 5'11 C - Jukurit (Finland) EP Consolidated: 8, Range: 3-19 Helenius is one of the most well rounded forwards in the draft. He has high marks in pretty much every attribute, skating, shooting, vision, defense, compete, even physicality with is a lot of an undersized guy who has spent the majority of the last two seasons playing in a pro league that has, of recently, not been friendly to underaged players - or at least to their draft stock. In the last ~5 years Finns would come in ranked highly then see their draft stock fall over the year as they didn't put up numbers in the SM-liiga. Aatu Raty famously went from a projected top 10 pick to being drafted halfway through the second round. Raty is now back to being considered a strong prospect and the guy who turned him around was former NHLer and Jukurit coach Olli Jokinen. Jokinen has done a good job reaching younger players, including helping Samu Tuomaala getting back on track, which explains why Helenius scored at a rate similar to former 2nd Overall picks Kaapo Kakko and Patrik Laine. One player that Helenius reminds me of from last draft is Dalibor Dvorsky, a player that has high marks in everything, but no one defining attribute (Dvorsky is also 2 inches taller). Dvorsky is a player I'd have been happy with the Flyers taking if Michkov didn't reach them, and if Helenius falls to them he could be a great steal.
Tij Iginla - 6'0 LW - Kelowna Rockets (WHL) EP Consolidated: 13, Range: 6-23 A lot of times, the sons of famous players don't play a similar style to their fathers, Max and Tie Domi being the most obvious example. Iginla, though, does have a lot the attributes that made Jarome a Hall of Famer. The most noticeable is the shot, while his name has always drawn attention to him, his shot is what has kept eyes on him. A heavy shot with a quick release and accurate to boot. Also like his dad, he's a hard worker, the kind of player that can be tough to deal with no matter where on the ice he is. He mixes with that a level of toughness that doesn't usually result in massive hits, but the ability to win puck battles and fight through hits to get to space. While he can snipe, he doesn't rely on staying away from contact to score goals. He also has a high hockey IQ which makes him a pretty dangerous player, even though he is not particularly fast. Of the players in the top part of the draft he is probably the one who is the most raw all around. This could be an attribute with a high growth potential (his dad also famously bloomed a little late), but it could also lead to harsher judgement of those shortcomings considering his name brings with it high expectations.
Berkly Catton - 5'11 C - Spokane Chiefs (WHL) EP Consolidated: 6, Range 3-15 Catton is on the top of a lot of people's wish lists going into the draft and it's obvious to see why. He's a dynamic skater with great both great speed and excellent mobility. He's got a great shot and a quick release which helped him score 54 goals in 68 games in the WHL this season. But he is likely a better playmaker than he is a scorer, as his great vision, crisp passes, and maneuverability could make him an elite player at the next level. He is closest player to Claude Giroux in this draft year which would immediately endear him to Flyers fans. But one issue could be last year's most Giroux-esc player, Zach Benson, who fell from being ranked in the 5-7 range to being picked at 13th Overall. This could show teams don't value undersized centers, but given Benson's immediate impact for the Sabres in his draft I think a lot of teams will be more open to taking this type of player. That said he has been slipping down rankings recently, partially because of a slightly underwhelming playoffs (he got 4 points as Spokane was swept) and was too old for the U18 tournament so he couldn't make a lasting impact.
Carter Yakemchuk - 6'3 RHD - Calgary Hitmen (WHL) EP Consolidated: 16, Range: 10-24 Yakemchuk is interesting, because while he should be right in the Flyers wheelhouse (Ranked 12th in McKenzie's ranking, 14 of 17 rankings still have him available when the Flyers picked) but I actually think Yakemchuk will likely go a lot higher than people may expect. The draft is stacked with defenseman, even defensemen that combine size, physicality, and offense, so it could be easy to see why Yakemchuk is slightly further down the list, but some of his attributes could make him jump over some of the guys in the next tier up. Yakemchuk was better than point per game in the WHL, he was also the first draft eligible defenseman in the league to score 30 goals in over 20 years. While not the most fluid skater compared to some of the other D, he has great puck skills and great straight, paired with his size and line speed that allows him to rush the puck up ice easily. He mixes this with good physicality that makes him tough to deal with in the defensive zone (but would likely bring the dread "they picked a Flyer" comments on the draft broadcast). There is some question in his decision making, whether that is an Achillies heel or just something to work through will be something the Flyers have to decide. But that is the big lynch pin, if it's a fixable issue Yakemchuk is a 1st pair D, if it's not he could be a NHL/AHL tweener.
Cole Eiserman - 6'0 LW - USNTDP EP Consolidated: 14, Range: 2-16 Eiserman is probably the most interesting name on the list. Coming into the season he was the clear number 2 with some even speculating that he could overthrow Celebrini by the end of the year. Instead he has a precipitous drop, in McKenzie's midseason rankings Eiserman was 4th, he's now sitting at 13th. So what happened? Eiserman is potentially the most unbalanced player in this section of the draft, he is great at somethings and below average in others. His shot is second to none and he could even up being a 50-60 goal scorer in the NHL, which is why he was ranked so high in the first place. But other things like his speed which is lack luster, his compete in all zones, and decision making are questionable. He can compete in board battles, has great hands, and a crazy fast release, but there are questions if he is too one dimensional or too much of a passenger at his current level, let alone the next level. There are some things to keep in mind, as a project top pick for a while now he is under more extreme scrutiny than other players. With very high expectations, if a player doesn't meet or frankly exceed those expectations their highs will rarely out shine the lows. It's comparing apples and oranges a bit, but someone like Silayev who rocketed up the charts this season won't face the same scrutiny. There is also something I've noticed a bit more lately out of the USNTDP, they undoubtedly produce excellent players, but their you rarely see them rounding out their games between their U17 and U18 seasons. Players skills are sharpened but the weak points in their games typically aren't fixed, and they don't start becoming more well rounded until their next stop. This usually gets overshadowed by the super high end skill in the players second year in the program, but for Eiserman who only did marginally better and was outshone by James Hagens, the issues are more glaring. I think there are areas of concern, being a passenger and having questionable decision making can be big red flags, if you can fix those issues he's Nikita Kucherov, if you can't he's Nail Yakupov. But you can't help but think about if another elite talent fell into the Flyers lap way later than previously expected.
Michael Brandsegg-Nygard - 6'1 RW - Mora (Allsvenskan - Swedish 2nd league) EP Consolidated: 12, Range: 7-29 We get to the only player I'm discussing that wasn't on McKenzie's list, but that's not to say the Flyers won't pick him at 12, or that he can't go higher with some prognosticators bullish on him sneaking into the top 10. Brandsegg-Nygard is a well rounded, high hockey IQ player with the shot and skating to make him both an offensive threat and a defensive powerhouse. At the WJC he was the engine of the outmatched Norway team, able to make plays and win battles against some of the best U20 players in the world. Playing in Sweden's second league he's been able to carve out a role while putting up respectable numbers. Brandsegg-Nygard will be the highest drafted Norwegian ever, but his background is one of the things that I think make him a pretty intriguing pick. There are some rough elements to his game, but those are typically smoothed when you get to higher levels in most of North America and Europe, Brandsegg-Nygard already excels at the difficult parts of development like speed and smarts, making his mechanics more crisp and adding a little bit of physicality to his game could provide huge dividends. Another interesting aspect is that he is a good candidate to move to center, speed, smarts, good size on top of being a strong shooter and a good playmaker make him an idea candidate, but his pathway has made him more of a wing so far in his career. If Konsta Helenius is off the board, Brandsegg-Nygard is next best thing, if not having the potential to surpass Helenius.
So Who are the Flyers Taking?
Since the Flyers are at the back of the pack for this tier their actual decision for who they will pick will likely come down to one or two players. It will make the 30 minutes before their pick incredibly stressful, but it when it comes time to make a decision it will probably happen fast.
While this draft is going to be hard to predict, we can look at the young core/prospects of the teams directly in front of the Flyers to see if can show players they are less likely to take. I have a feeling the Flyers will be left with a choice between Parekh, Eiserman, and Brandsegg-Nygard, with a chance that Helenius falls to them. It depends what other teams prioritize either trying for a home run or trying for a safer pick, with the three teams directly in front of the Flyers likely prioritizing safer picks.
I'm not sure the Flyers would lean towards Parekh unless he has a big time champion in the organization. The reward is sky high, but there is also a high risk, and as I mentioned the difference between him reaching his peak isn't about correcting his mistakes, but whether or not he has generational offensive talent. He's also not typically the kind of defenseman the team takes so high. Also, not for nothing, there are a bunch of similar style defenseman available later in the round when the Flyers pick again but obviously no guarantees.
In previous years I worried about the Flyers passing over highly skilled players for safer or more "Flyers" picks. I don't really have that fear this year given the due diligence this front office put in to Michkov, as well as the whole Gauthier situation I think they'll put in the leg work to determine if Eiserman has the right head to be a 50-60 goal type guy, or another Nail Yakupov. If they pass on him for a safer pick I'll be fine with it knowing that they have a clear picture of the players future that you can't get from stat sheets and highlight reels.
That said, I think it ultimately will be Cole Eiserman the Flyers pick. I think the talent is there, the team has shown an ability to teach guys a more complete game, are establishing a strong culture, and have another high end piece to pare him with. If Eiserman is off the board I think the most likely guy to fall to them would be Konsta Helenius who I would also be really happy with.
Thanks for reading, I am planning on doing another one of these for the Flyers second pick in the first round when the Panthers season ends and we know where that pick is.

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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
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PPV FLO SPORTS TV 16 : 2024 GHSA Outdoor Championships 3A/4A start:2024-05-10 01:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 16 : 2024 GH Black vs 93 Hockey Red start:2024-05-10 14:50:00 stop:2024-05-10 18:50:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 17 : 2024 GHSA Outdoor Championships 1A-DI/6A start:2024-05-10 01:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 17 : 2024 Coastal Elite vs Ground Zero start:2024-05-10 14:50:00 stop:2024-05-10 18:50:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 18 : 2024 Florida Everblades vs Orlando Solar Bears start:2024-05-10 01:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 18 : 2024 The D2 Summit start:2024-05-10 15:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 19:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 19 : 2024 Thursday Night Thunder at Marshalltown Speedway start:2024-05-10 01:45:00 stop:2024-05-10 05:45:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 19 : 2024 AMG Grey vs Mole HC start:2024-05-10 15:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 19:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 20 : 2024 Americans vs Trolls start:2024-05-10 03:30:00 stop:2024-05-10 07:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 20 : 2024 Eeels Grey vs Prestige Green start:2024-05-10 15:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 19:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 21 : 2024 Brew Crew vs Mites On Ice start:2024-05-10 03:45:00 stop:2024-05-10 07:45:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 21 : 2024 Phil Portuese Northeast Regional Champs start:2024-05-10 16:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:00:00
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PPV FLO SPORTS TV 22 : 2024 Surrey Eagles vs Alberni Valley Bulldogs start:2024-05-10 04:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 08:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 22 : 2024 NMAA Outdoor Championships 1A-3A start:2024-05-10 16:00:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 23 : 2024 Team NA White vs SSK Gold start:2024-05-10 16:20:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:20:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 24 : 2024 Power Play vs JRC 1 start:2024-05-10 16:20:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:20:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 25 : 2024 Btwn Bucket vs SHC start:2024-05-10 16:20:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:20:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 26 : 2024 Rapid BJT vs Edge start:2024-05-10 16:20:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:20:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 27 : 2024 GH Green vs Bulls start:2024-05-10 16:20:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:20:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 28 : 2024 NCAA Softball Regional - #3 start:2024-05-10 16:30:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 29 : 2024 US Express vs Hollydell start:2024-05-10 16:30:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 30 : 2024 PAL White vs NS Green start:2024-05-10 16:30:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 31 : 2024 TSH vs Little Rhody Jr A start:2024-05-10 16:30:00 stop:2024-05-10 20:30:00
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== AUSTRALIA STAN PACK ===
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 01 Club Brugge V Fiorentina Uefa Europa Conference League Semi Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Wed 8 May 5:40pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:40pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 02 Real Madrid V Bayern Munich Uefa Champions League Semi Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Wed 8 May 7:35pm // ET Wed 8 May 2:35pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== UK DAZN PACK ===
UK DAZN UK 01 Total access may 6 // UK Mon 6 May 11:58pm // ET Mon 6 May 6:58pm
UK DAZN UK 02 Reims vs. Psg // UK Wed 8 May 3:28pm // ET Wed 8 May 10:28am
UK DAZN UK 03 Fleury 91 vs. Montpellier // UK Wed 8 May 3:28pm // ET Wed 8 May 10:28am
UK DAZN UK 04 Chess.Com masters day 1 // UK Wed 8 May 5:28pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:28pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== UK VIA PLAY PACK ===
UK VIA PLAY 01 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Wed 8 May 8:00am ET Wed 8 May 3:00am
UK VIA PLAY 01 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Wed 8 May 4:00pm ET Wed 8 May 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 01 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Thu 9 May 12:00am ET Wed 8 May 7:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 02 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Wed 8 May 8:00am ET Wed 8 May 3:00am
UK VIA PLAY 02 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Wed 8 May 4:00pm ET Wed 8 May 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 02 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Thu 9 May 12:00am ET Wed 8 May 7:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 03 LALIGA Laliga news // UK Wed 8 May 2:00pm ET Wed 8 May 9:00am
UK VIA PLAY 03 LALIGA Viva laliga // UK Wed 8 May 6:00pm ET Wed 8 May 1:00pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
UK VIA PLAY 03 NHL Florida boston // UK Thu 9 May 12:35am ET Wed 8 May 7:35pm
UK VIA PLAY 04 NHL Nhl tonight // UK Wed 8 May 2:00pm ET Wed 8 May 9:00am
UK VIA PLAY 04 NHL Vancouver edmonton // UK Thu 9 May 3:05am ET Wed 8 May 10:05pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== CANADA DAZN PACK ===
CA DAZN CA 01 Rome open day 2 session 1 08th 5:00am/Chesscom masters day 1 08th 12:30pm
CA DAZN CA 02 Club brugge vs fiorentina // UK Wed 8 May 5:45pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:45pm
CA DAZN CA 03 Rome open day 2 session 2 // UK Wed 8 May 7:30pm // ET Wed 8 May 2:30pm
CA DAZN CA 04 Real madrid vs bayern munich // UK Wed 8 May 8:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 05 Peterborough vs oxford // UK Wed 8 May 8:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 06 Real madrid vs bayern munich (commentaires en français) // UK Wed 8 May 8:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 3:00pm
​
Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA DIRTVISION PACK ===
US DIRTVISION 01: Lincoln Speedway (PA) Its time to start the World of Outlaws vs. PA Posse rivalry for the week with the Gettysburg Clash. // UK Wed 8 May 11:15pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:15pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA TRILLER PACK ===
US TRILLER TV 01 AEW Dynamite Episode 1924 // UK Thu 9 May 1:00am // ET Wed 8 May 8:00pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA PEACOCK PACK ===
US PEACOCK 01 GOLF Pga works collegiate rd. 3 // UK Wed 8 May 8:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 2:00pm
US PEACOCK 01 SOCCER Chivas vs. Toluca (espanol) // UK Thu 9 May 1:00am // ET Wed 8 May 7:00pm
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA NBA PACK ===
US NBA LIVE 01: Indiana at New York 8:00 PM ET
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA NHL PACK ===
US NHL LIVE 01: Boston at Florida 7:30 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 02: Edmonton at Vancouver 10:00 PM ET
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA MLB PACK ===
US MLB LIVE 01: Texas at Oakland 12:05 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 02: LA Angels at Pittsburgh 12:35 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 03: Toronto at Philadelphia 1:05 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 04: Detroit at Cleveland 1:10 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 05: NY Mets at St. Louis 1:15 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 06: Milwuakee at Kansas City 2:10 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 07: San Diego at Chi. Cubs 2:20 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 08: Miami at LA Dodgers 3:10 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 09: Arizona at Cincinnati 6:40 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 10: Baltimore at Washington 6:45 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 11: Chi. White Sox at Tampa Bay 6:50 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 12: Houston at NY Yankees 7:05 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 13: Boston at Atlanta 7:20 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 14: Seattle at Minnesota 7:40 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 15: San Francisco at Colorado 8:40 PM ET
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Screwdatt, [5/8/2024 7:00 AM]
=== USA MILB PACK ===
US MILB 01 Dayton Dragons vs Lake County Captains // UK Wed 8 May 4:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:00am
US MILB 01 Worcester Red Sox vs Buffalo Bisons // UK Wed 8 May 10:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 5:05pm
US MILB 01 Inland Empire 66ers vs Lake Elsinore Storm // UK Thu 9 May 2:05am // ET Wed 8 May 9:05pm
US MILB 02 Lynchburg Hillcats vs Down East Wood Ducks // UK Wed 8 May 4:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:00am
US MILB 02 Buffalo Bisons vs Worcester Red Sox // UK Wed 8 May 10:10pm // ET Wed 8 May 5:10pm
US MILB 02 Spokane Indians vs Hillsboro Hops // UK Thu 9 May 2:05am // ET Wed 8 May 9:05pm
US MILB 03 Delmarva Shorebirds vs Kannapolis Cannon Ballers // UK Wed 8 May 4:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:00am
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US MILB 03 Binghamton Rumble Ponies vs Portland Sea Dogs // UK Wed 8 May 11:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:00pm
US MILB 03 Stockton Ports vs San Jose Giants // UK Thu 9 May 2:30am // ET Wed 8 May 9:30pm
US MILB 04 Wilmington Blue Rocks vs Jersey Shore BlueClaws // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 04 Somerset Patriots vs Altoona Curve // UK Wed 8 May 11:00pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:00pm
US MILB 04 Rancho Cucamonga Quakes vs Visalia Rawhide // UK Thu 9 May 2:30am // ET Wed 8 May 9:30pm
US MILB 05 Indianapolis Indians vs Louisville Bats // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 05 Lansing Lugnuts vs Great Lakes Loons // UK Wed 8 May 11:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:05pm
US MILB 05 Modesto Nuts vs Fresno Grizzlies // UK Thu 9 May 2:50am // ET Wed 8 May 9:50pm
US MILB 06 Rochester Red Wings vs Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 06 Palm Beach Cardinals vs Jupiter Hammerheads // UK Wed 8 May 11:30pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:30pm
US MILB 06 Everett AquaSox vs Vancouver Canadians // UK Thu 9 May 3:05am // ET Wed 8 May 10:05pm
US MILB 07 Harrisburg Senators vs New Hampshire Fisher Cats // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 07 Clearwater Threshers vs Tampa Tarpons // UK Wed 8 May 11:30pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:30pm
US MILB 07 Tri-City Dust Devils vs Eugene Emeralds // UK Thu 9 May 3:05am // ET Wed 8 May 10:05pm
US MILB 08 Cedar Rapids Kernels vs South Bend Cubs // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 08 St. Lucie Mets vs Bradenton Marauders // UK Wed 8 May 11:30pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:30pm
US MILB 09 St. Paul Saints vs Toledo Mud Hens // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 09 Nashville Sounds vs Durham Bulls // UK Wed 8 May 11:35pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:35pm
US MILB 10 Richmond Flying Squirrels vs Erie SeaWolves // UK Wed 8 May 4:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:05am
US MILB 10 Lakeland Flying Tigers vs Daytona Tortugas // UK Wed 8 May 11:35pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:35pm
US MILB 11 Tennessee Smokies vs Chattanooga Lookouts // UK Wed 8 May 4:15pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:15am
US MILB 11 Fort Wayne TinCaps vs West Michigan Whitecaps // UK Wed 8 May 11:35pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:35pm
US MILB 12 Tennessee Smokies vs Chattanooga Lookouts // UK Wed 8 May 4:20pm // ET Wed 8 May 11:20am
US MILB 12 Carolina Mudcats vs Fayetteville Woodpeckers // UK Wed 8 May 11:35pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:35pm
US MILB 13 Akron RubberDucks vs Bowie Baysox // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 13 Hartford Yard Goats vs Reading Fightin Phils // UK Wed 8 May 11:45pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:45pm
US MILB 14 Mississippi Braves vs Rocket City Trash Pandas // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 14 Syracuse Mets vs Lehigh Valley IronPigs // UK Wed 8 May 11:45pm // ET Wed 8 May 6:45pm
US MILB 15 Greensboro Grasshoppers vs Bowling Green Hot Rods // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 15 Brooklyn Cyclones vs Rome Emperors // UK Thu 9 May 12:00am // ET Wed 8 May 7:00pm
US MILB 16 Birmingham Barons vs Pensacola Blue Wahoos // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 16 Asheville Tourists vs Winston-Salem Dash // UK Thu 9 May 12:00am // ET Wed 8 May 7:00pm
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US MILB 17 Montgomery Biscuits vs Biloxi Shuckers // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 17 Fredericksburg Nationals vs Charleston RiverDogs // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 18 Amarillo Sod Poodles vs Corpus Christi Hooks // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 18 Charlotte Knights vs Gwinnett Stripers // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 19 Oklahoma City Baseball Club vs Sugar Land Space Cowboys // UK Wed 8 May 5:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:05pm
US MILB 19 Dunedin Blue Jays vs Fort Myers Mighty Mussels // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 20 Peoria Chiefs vs Beloit Sky Carp // UK Wed 8 May 5:10pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:10pm
US MILB 20 Augusta GreenJackets vs Myrtle Beach Pelicans // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 21 Peoria Chiefs vs Beloit Sky Carp // UK Wed 8 May 5:15pm // ET Wed 8 May 12:15pm
US MILB 21 Hudson Valley Renegades vs Aberdeen IronBirds // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 22 Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp vs Omaha Storm Chasers // UK Wed 8 May 6:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 1:05pm
US MILB 22 Norfolk Tides vs Memphis Redbirds // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 23 Arkansas Travelers vs Wichita Wind Surge // UK Wed 8 May 6:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 1:05pm
US MILB 23 Salem Red Sox vs Columbia Fireflies // UK Thu 9 May 12:05am // ET Wed 8 May 7:05pm
US MILB 24 Albuquerque Isotopes vs El Paso Chihuahuas // UK Wed 8 May 6:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 1:05pm
US MILB 24 Tulsa Drillers vs Midland RockHounds // UK Thu 9 May 12:30am // ET Wed 8 May 7:30pm
US MILB 25 Columbus Clippers vs Iowa Cubs // UK Wed 8 May 6:08pm // ET Wed 8 May 1:08pm
US MILB 25 Wisconsin Timber Rattlers vs Quad Cities River Bandits // UK Thu 9 May 12:30am // ET Wed 8 May 7:30pm
US MILB 26 Hickory Crawdads vs Greenville Drive // UK Wed 8 May 7:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 2:05pm
US MILB 26 San Antonio Missions vs Frisco RoughRiders // UK Thu 9 May 12:35am // ET Wed 8 May 7:35pm
US MILB 27 Sacramento River Cats vs Salt Lake Bees // UK Wed 8 May 7:05pm // ET Wed 8 May 2:05pm
US MILB 27 Las Vegas Aviators vs Round Rock Express // UK Thu 9 May 1:05am // ET Wed 8 May 8:05pm
US MILB 28 Springfield Cardinals vs Northwest Arkansas Naturals // UK Thu 9 May 1:05am // ET Wed 8 May 8:05pm
US MILB 29 Tacoma Rainiers vs Reno Aces // UK Thu 9 May 2:05am // ET Wed 8 May 9:05pm

Alright, call me an optimist but I have been thinking about it and if the NHL draft is rigged, I think that the pick makes the most sense going to the Sharks, and here are my reasons:
1: It is common perception that Chicago is going to jump the Sharks to get back-to-back 1OAs. The best way to get away from the fact that the draft is predetermined is to predetermine that the Sharks are the ones to get the first pick. No one would even question it because statistically, it should go the way of San Jose.
2: The Bay Area is not a small sports market. It is a top 10 market in the country and the Sharks don't have to share it with another team like LA and NY have to. There is a lot of money that the NHL generates when the Sharks are good, so getting them Celebrini is in the NHL's best interest so that they can start getting money from fans in NorCal. They already boosted Chicago's market last year with Bedard, and getting another top pick isn't going to make the NHL as much net money as if the Sharks were to win it.
3: The story of Macklin coming to play for the same area that his Dad works at is a really good narrative for the sport to market. Not only will they be able to talk about his time playing for the Junior Sharks, but the fact that they already have stories from Warriors players talking about how they would watch Macklin when they could is just great publicity. You might see Warriors players making consistent trips to watch games in San Jose and that would be great for outreach to NBA fans that the NHL would be silly to miss out on.
4: Hockey is better when rivalries are active. Games are way more fun to watch when two teams that hate each other are good. People will tune into Pitt v Philly to watch them go at it, Calgary vs Edmonton is always a fun matchup of hate. The 2010s were great because of the California scraps that would go on. The NHL just feels a little boring out west right now because it is just LA that is competitive. The sooner the Sharks can start throwing punches again, the better it is for hockey. The best way to speed up their timeline is to give them 1OA.
Those are my reasons. I know statistically we are more likely to get the 3rd pick, but if it is rigged. I think it just makes more sense to let the Sharks get the pick over Chicago. Thanks for coming to my TIDE Talk.
Edit: just added some spacing between points because I didn't realize how God awful it was to read on mobile.
Edit 2: I don't actually think the draft is rigged. This is just a fun argument because otherwise the only thing to talk about is our set odds which is a pretty boring post. But when almost every pick since 2000 has gone to a Canadian team, and Original 6 team, or a team in the New York market, people have the right to at least joke about how it is rigged.

Lifetime - Staked: 876.65u, Profit/Loss: +27.79u, ROI: 3.17%, Parlay Suggestions: 168-64 Dog of the Week: 13-15
2024 - Staked: 229.55u, Profit/Loss: -5.57u
As always, scroll down for UFC St. Louis Breakdowns. The following is just a recap of last event’s results.
~UFC 301 (PREVIOUS CARD)~
Staked: 10.75u
Profit/Loss: -0.29u
Parlay Suggestions: 4-1
It may be chalked up as the slightest loss, but the Pereira/Rebecki parlay rolling on means this one could end up in the green in hindsight, so I’m happy with how things went really. Shoutout to Joanderson Brito for a great gameplan, he never let Shore into that fight and I don’t think it really mattered that it ended under strange circumstances. Borralho dominated as expected. Lucindo could have been more live for a submission if she’d had more time in round 1, but her striking was too superior. Drakkar Klose did what he does best. On to the next one.
✅ 5u Caio Borralho to Win at -275 (won +1.8u)
✅ 2u Michel Pereira + Mateusz Rebecki to Win at -105 (rolls on to upcoming event)
✅ 2u Drakkar Klose to Win at -137 (won +1.46u)
❌ 2u Jack Shore to Win at +140
❌ 1u Iasmin Lucindo to Win by Submission at +350
✅ Arb on Martinez/Aldo (won +0.2u)
❌ 0.25u Parlay Pieces
❌ 0.5u Trixie

~UFC St. Louis~
From a fan perspective this card is a bit dry, but from a betting perspective I think it’s got a lot of opportunities and it’s one I’m really looking forward to. At the time of writing, the event is in nine days and I’ve already placed five moneyline bets! It’s nice that there will be a crowd too, the Apex is boring.
Lots to say, so let’s get into it!

~Derrick Lewis vs Rodrigo Nascimento~
Very surprised by the betting line here. Derrick Lewis cannot be trusted to defend a takedown at this stage in his career, and that really isn’t a secret at all.
In my opinion, unless Derrick Lewis is facing a pure striker with equally low output, or a massively inferior level of competition, he shouldn’t be the betting favourite against anyone in the UFC. Of course he’s the most prolific knockout artist the UFC has ever seen so he cannot be too much of a dog either, but he’s literally KO or bust in every single fight. Betting is a game of probabilities, and I think it’s difficult to really argue that Lewis should be favoured to find the KO 50% of the time in a five-round fight. Especially when he faces an opponent that has the capabilities to put him on his back. look how easily Serghei Spivac justified a -225 pricetag against Derrick Lewis! No significant strikes absorbed, and a submission win inside three minutes. How Jailton Almeida didn’t manage to do the same, I’ll never know…but it still was very dominant.
Rodrigo Nascimento may not come to the Octagon with a singlet on, but he’s quite reliable to shoot takedowns when necessary – Such as against Tanner Boser, another heavyweight with notoriously bad takedown defence. Another important facet to his style is his BJJ. It’s been some time since we’ve seen him win by submission, but a heavyweight that looks to finish the fight on the mat will always be better than one who just lays and prays once they set up a dominant position (such as a Curtis Blaydes or a Carl Williams). Lewis is surprisingly durable on the mat, which gives him the opportunity to have another crack at the KO when the next round starts, but a submission threat like a Spivac or perhaps a Nascimento can look to get the fight stopped before that happens.
Nascimento isn’t a bad striker either, and whilst I certainly don’t recommend it, I don’t think it’s super crazy to imagine him possibly winning a striking battle here by playing the range game and out-voluming Lewis – at the very least he will keep it competitive whilst he’s conscious. This isn’t going even going to be as binary as the Spivac fight, where extended periods on the feet are so clearly in favour of Lewis.
Lewis has faced a lot of grapplers recently. He was +370 against Jailton, +180 against De Lima, +190 against Spivac, +300 against Blaydes…so why is he a favourite against an opponent that can also land takedowns against him? And also one who is probably the second best striker amongst those aforementioned names!? I know that Nascimento isn’t a pure grappler like some of them…but surely it would take about 30 seconds of gameplanning to realise that grappling is definitely the route to take here? We’ve seen him go 15 minutes and have control time for more than half a fight before. I also know that Nascimento hasn’t fought a level of opposition anywhere near this experienced or ‘high level’, but given the gap in skills I think there are regional
I’m not saying Nascimento is a vastly superior UFC fighter or someone destined for great things, but he’s well-rounded and capable of executing a very obvious gameplan. I will therefore be playing him for 2u at +140 or better. This is purely a bet based on number I’m getting on Nascimento, and I think everyone should be on it. Perhaps I am putting too much stock into the intelligence of a fighter (something I never like to do), but this really is a must bet. I do not believe you can mathematically justify Derrick Lewis being expected to win more than 50% of the time against an opponent that is better than him at everything except pure power.
I decided to pull the trigger as the more I think about this, the more I think this betting angle is obvious. There’s a risk in going early as Lewis is obviously a popular name, but I think the +137 is clear value, so I took it for 2u.
How I line this fight: Derrick Lewis +125 (45%), Rodrigo Nascimento -125 (55%)
Bet or pass: 2u Rodrigo Nascimento to Win (+137)
Prop leans: None, though Nascimento Submission is the very obvious lean

~Joaquin Buckley v Nursulton Ruziboev~
Late notice fight announcement but glad to see Buckley got himself a co-main spot on a home card. Buckley’s slowly growing into a decent fighter, and has proven to be much more than just the hard-hitting muscle-man that he was originally thought to be. Seeing him get a win over Vicente Luque is pretty mad, I even thought he’d struggle with Alex Morono.
Nursulton Ruziboev’s brief UFC career has seen him win by KO early in round one both times. Yeah, he hits hard. What else? I don’t really know. Buckley can live and die by the sword if you want to go full rabies with him (plenty of KO wins but also KO losses to Di Chirico, Holland and Curtis).
I’m sure this one will be fireworks, but I don’t really know how you could approach betting this one, other than targeting the clearly juiced FDGTD. We got Guskov/Spann at -20000 a few weeks ago, so I wouldn’t hold your breath. Onto the next one. Excited to see the fireworks though.
How I line this fight: No idea
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Terrance McKinney vs Esteban Ribovics~
Terrance McKinney is always an interesting fighter to look at from a betting perspective, because he’s got that unique 5 minutes of danger before falling off a cliff. It’s kind of funny to me how the UFC had to clearly cut back on the level of competition they’d been feeding McKinney, because he hit his ceiling pretty hard in the Sadykhov and Bonfim fights.
The front-runner style therefore makes his fights easy to get creative with, props wise. Basically, you go McKinney R1, or Ribovics R2/3. So which one do you go for? Well, that’s unfortunately where the confident opinions start to run out. McKinney should definitely be live for that R1 finish though, because I think Ribovics will struggle to contend with his power and physicality whilst they’re both fresh. His takedown defence against Radzhabov was not up to par either, and the scrambles could see him get caught in a submission against the opportunistic McKinney all the same.
However, if the fight does make it past that opening round, Ribovics certainly looks spirited and gritty enough to turn up the heat and force McKinney to capitulate like he usually does. It’s one of those weird capitulations where he doesn’t seem gassed or mentally checked out – it feels like he swaps places with his twin brother that’s not a fighter whilst on the stool. Kind of like Alex Hernandez.
So yeah, I’ll do what I usually do in these spots and see what kind of price I can get by building a McKinney R1 or Ribovics R2/3 prop for myself…but other than that I don’t think we’ll be finding any sort of value anywhere here. The McKinney prop narrative is pretty well documented at this stage. Though the live-betting angle will always exist because the 3^rd party people have no idea what they’re watching.
In terms of a moneyline, Esteban obviously has to be favoured due to the higher finishing potential across the available 15 minutes (he could win in R1,2, or 3). Definitely not interested in playing anything than that McKinney 1 or Ribovics 2/3 combination.
How I line this fight: Terrance McKinney +175 (36%), Esteban Ribovics -175 (64%)
Bet or pass: Potential single bet on McKinney R1 or Ribovics R2/3
Prop leans: See above

~Alonzo Menifield vs Carlos Ulberg~
Zo Menifield is a better fighter than many give him credit for, but I think this might be a terrible stylistic fight for him. He’s going up against the much more technical and quick striker, who can also hit pretty hard. For Zo to do the work he wants to do on the feet, he’s going to need to get inside, and for every moment he’s not there he’s going to be on the end of Ulberg’s superior straight shots. He’s basically going to have to get hit twice, to land one himself.
Before I started looking into this fight I was intrigued by Menifield’s potential path to victory via wrestling, but the stats he’s currently averaging 0.67 takedowns per 15 minutes, and just beat a kickboxer across 15 minutes in Dustin Jacoby without landing one. Not sure why I had it in my head that he looks to grapple.
That Jacoby fight does give some credit to Alonzo and indicate that he’s not as outmatched as you’d expect a less technical tank to be. The same logic I used in the opening paragraph really should also have applied to Dustin Jacoby, but DJ’s not a particularly reliable striker and is prone to some moments of stupidity.
So yeah…I think Zo’s got a chance, but it’s going to be an uphill battle that he loses more often than not. The line’s a bit too wide for my liking as Ulberg is flavour of the month at LHW, but either way I see no value to bet either guy here.
How I line this fight: Alonzo Menifield +200 (33%), Carlos Ulberg -200 (67%)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Tabatha Ricci v Tecia Torres-Pennington~
Another fight where I am very confused by the betting line. Yes, Tecia Torres has been out of competition whilst having a baby with Raquel Pennington, but it looks like she’s already back in ridiculous shape and I think the narrative of doubting/fading mothers is pretty overblown. Enough WMMA fighters have come back having given birth and looked fine. I asked a few mothers I know who work out and they didn’t think they suffered much of a set back once they shifted the initial weight. I take my research very seriously, you see, and if this bet loses it’s all their fault.
So I’m going to (perhaps foolishly) assume that the Tecia Torres we get for this fight is the same as the one from tape…and that woman absolutely should not be the underdog to Tabatha Ricci. She’s got a great mixture of speed and volume on the feet, and is more than capable of keeping herself safe in the grappling department. There are very few fighters outside the top five that I’d think should be a favourite against Tecia. And that’s even before considering that this fight is a decent matchup for her.
Comparatively, Tabatha Ricci has struggled whenever she’s faced an opponent that she can’t out-grapple. She put together a great run against Gillian Robertson, Jessica Penne, Polyana Viana and Maria Oliveira, but landed between 3-5 takedowns in all of those fights and either had a significant amount of subsequent top control time, or was the superior striker anyway. After that run, she faced Loopy Godinez in her most recent fight, where her takedowns were shut down and she was forced to strike against an okay-ish striker. It went to a split, but the majority of media scorecards were were in favour of Godinez for her superior striking. Not being able to differentiate yourself in the striking department against Godinez isn’t a very good sign really.
When it comes to decision heavy WMMA fighters, I think the statistics are at their most reliable (and I’m not much of a statistics guy usually). The stats here clearly paint the picture that Tecia Torres is the superior martial artist on the feet. She lands more, she gets hit way less. She has much better accuracy, and she defends more. And she got all of those superior stats from going 15 minutes against Marina, Namajunas (x2) Andrade, Joanna and Weili, whereas Ricci has padded hers by teeing off on Gillian Robertson and Jessica Penne.
If Torres-Pennington is able to get back to anywhere near the same level as she was before the pregnancy, I think the betting line is massively wrong here. God bless Alayah Torres-Pennington for this betting line! 2u on Torres-Pennington. I moved in when it was +137, but the line has shifted since. It’s always a good idea to consider playing WMMA underdogs, so this one was a no brainer to me.
How I line this fight: Tecia Torres-Pennington -150 (60%), Tabatha Ricci +150 (40%)
Bet or pass: 2u Tecia Torres-Pennington to Win (+137), perhaps an extra 0.5u on Torres Decision
Prop leans: Torres by Decision is a very reliable MoV

~Sean Woodson vs Alex Caceres~
Alex Caceres is a really tricky one. He has improved so, so much in the last few years, and I’d never have believed he’d make it this far. He was a contestant on TUF 12, the show most recent to when I started watching MMA (which also brought us Michael Johnson). Those who have been watching prelims for many years will remember when Alex was nothing more than a veteran that couldn’t wrestle for shit, and was constantly being used to further the careers of submission based fighters (Kron Gracie, for example). Somehow, during the lockdown break, he managed to sharpen the takedown defence and completely re-invented himself as a fighter. He’s 7-2 in his last nine, and the losses have come against Sodiq Yusuff and Giga Chikadze. A very respectable body of work.
Sean Woodson’s career has also had its ups and downs. He was touted as a prospect to look out for back in the day of Glory MMA & Fitness and everyone’s favourite UFC gambler, James Krause. Unfortunately for the gangly and unorthodox Woodson, he couldn’t handle the pressure and ended up having all of his hype destroyed by Julian Erosa. He won a few more fights, but then drew with Luis Saldana, and by that point everyone thought he was a busted prospect that couldn’t be trusted to win against anyone. Then he pulled off an upset against Charles Jourdain recently, and now we don’t know what to think.
So this is basically a bout between two guys who have blown hot and cold in different stages of their career, and they’re therefore guys I often look to gloss over when I see that they’re fighting because I know they can easily oveunder perform in relation to expectations. Woodson should be the more diverse and unorthodox fighter of the two to be able to win minutes against Bruce Leroy, but the power that Caceres has on the return very much could turn the tide in an instant. Woodson isn’t defensively sound and relies on his length too much, and we have seen him fumble winnable fights before.
I don’t have much confidence in this one at all, but I understand why Woodson’s the slight favourite, given his tricky style and frame, and the fact he’s a bit younger. The books have lined this one correctly though, using their vig to price either side out of being an appealing price. I’m not really sure how someone has a strong opinion on this one really.
How I line this fight: Sean Woodson -137 (58%), Alex Caceres +137 (42%)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Jake Hadley vs Charles Johnson~
Another Charles Johnson fight, another anti-grappling gameplan. I’m getting a bit bored of seeing the exact same fight really, it would be cool to see Johnson stand and trade with someone for 15 minutes.
In fairness to Hadley he’s hardly one-dimensional, but he’s definitely best as a grappler that uses striking as a means to an end. We have seen what he looks like when he can’t have significant top control time, or when he goes up against a guy that can put him on his back. And it shows him to be a great hammer but a bad nail.
Charles Johnson’s resurgence has been a very interesting turn of events! If you’re a regular UFC bettor, you’ll know Johnson as one of the most untrustworthy guys on the roster, who fails to put his stamp on rounds and only seems to be able to produce a maximum of 55% of superiority per round. That was, until he fought Azat Maksum last time, where his tenacity was enough for him to turn the fight on its head in the latter half, finally providing a Charles Johnson fight where we had confidence on what the judges’ scorecards were going to look like!
Johnson is a very hard guy to finish though, because he doesn’t have any actual major weaknesses that aren’t based on self-sabotage. That is going to turn into his biggest strength here against Hadley, whose 2-2 decision record paints a clear picture. In a fight where a finish is going to be hard to come by, I think this one is going to run very close, in typical Charles Johnson fashion. In short, Johnson’s skills nullify Hadley’s greatest skill, so this one should run closer than it might look on the wikicap.
Therefore, your only options are probably to hold your breath and bet Johnson as the +130 underdog for a bit of value, or pass completely. A bet on Hadley is definitely not adviseable at – money.
I was lining up to play the overs/FGTD, but I’ve seen that the Over 2.5 Rounds sits at -250…which is far too steep for me to entertain. Those bookies are sharp!
How I line this fight: Jake Hadley +100 (50%), Charles Johnson +100 (50%)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: Either man’s decision prop could be an interesting way to bet this one.

~Jared Gooden vs Kevin Jousset~
Kevin Jousset makes his third appearance for the UFC, having impressed in two victories against Kiefer Crosbie (can) and Song Kenan (decent enough fighter). His output and diversity in the latter fight was really what caught my attention, as I was personally unsure he would be able to hang with UFC calibre opposition. I did bet him in his debut against Crosbie because his opponent that day has no business being in the UFC, but even the way he looked in that one had me questioning if he was up to the challenge.
On the subject of having ‘no business being in the UFC’, Jousset faces Jared Gooden. I know Gooden is a long time friend and associate of Dan Levy (HalfTheBattle) so I’m always hoping he does well, but honestly he’s proven countless times that he’s not good enough to be here. Of course, he’s a powerful guy, and in a cagefight that attribute is going to result in a couple of upsets…but Gooden has been competently outgrappled and outstruck on too many occasions for me to believe in him. Plus, he finally hit that KO path to victory against Wellington Turman, who is notoriously untrustworthy and shocking on the feet. If I remember correctly I was very adamant that people shouldn’t bet him there.
Jousset is a well-rounded guy as well. He’s not the most devastating striker but he does good defensive work (which is key here). He’s also more than happy to mix in takedowns and grappling when he deems it necessary, which is another advantageous asset here.
In short, whilst I’m still kind of suspicious of Jousset’s overally capabilities and whether or not he’s going to make anything of himself in the UFC, I can definitely see this one being an advantageous stylistic fight for him as the more well-rounded man. If Jousset can stay safe from Gooden’s power, he should have an easy enough victory on his hands.
In terms of the betting line, I would have put Jousset anywhere from the -200 to -250 range, which is pretty much where he’s landed. Makes sense to me. I’m glad I don’t have to consider betting this fight, because trusting either man with my money doesn’t feel good.
How I line this fight: Jared Gooden +225 (31%), Kevin Jousset -225 (69%)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Chase Hooper vs Viacheslav Borshchev~
Probably the most binary and therefore divisive fight on the card, which makes it possibly the most exciting one. Hooper’s a great grappler that can’t strike. Borshchev is a great striker that can’t defend takedowns.
I always land on the same conclusion when it comes to this kind of conundrum, and it’s because of our good friend Mackenzie Dern. Your BJJ doesn’t really mean shit if you have no wrestling (aside from pulling guard or catching submissions whilst standing, both of which don’t really happen often at all), and Chase Hooper doesn’t really have much wrestling. Of course, Slava Claus has bad wrestling defence…but I’d rate Hooper’s wrestling as clearly inferior to that of Mike Davis, Marc Diakiese or Nazim Sadykhov, so there aren’t actually strong guarantees that Chase can even consistently land takedowns here.
Obviously I think you have to make Borshchev the favourite here, as all fights start standing and his grappling defence seems solid enough that he shouldn’t get instantly submitted if he does get forced to the floor anyway. If that’s the case, I think he can clearly do damage and win fights off the scoring criteria. Hooper’s a tough kid, but when he eats shots they all look like fight enders with the amount his head snaps back. I genuinely think cutting his hair was a good strategic move for him. Also, this fight will have a live audience, and that plays ever so slightly into the metrics of the KO threat, not the grappler (because people still boo takedowns sometimes).
The books have it lined pretty where I would expect, with a small to moderate lean in Slava’s favour, so I don’t really think there’s any point in forcing a bet here. Both men have legitimate paths, it’s just that the Russian’s is slightly easier to land and will be more definitive. A win for Hooper likely sees him outgrapple his opponent for 15, whereas Borshchev can do it with one punch. Betting Slava KO would probably be the smartest play available, because that’s most of his win condition, whereas Hooper could win by all three methods.
I have noticed since writing that Slava may be moving down to -150, which is where I grade him without vig. If that price does solidify market wide, I may be interested in playing him to win by KO, or perhaps KO/DEC Double Chance. It would only be a 1u thing, but watch this space.
How I line this fight: Chase Hooper +150 (40%), Viacheslav Borshchev -150 (60%)
Bet or pass: 1u Slava KO or Slava KO/Dec…we will see.
Prop leans: None

~Trey Waters vs Billy Goff~
I honestly can’t remember a thing about either guy, I was surprised to see this wasn’t a double debut. From looking at Tapology I vaguely remember their last fights, with Goff steamrolling that Japanese guy on the South Korea card and Waters styling on Josh Quinlan.
I need a lot more info than that to be able to decipher this one. Info I honestly cannot be bothered to go and find, considering the most I could get would be a low-confidence opinion. I’mma pass on this one and admit I just couldn’t be arsed. I’m quite confident I wouldn’t have felt comfortable betting it anyway, so that’s probably some time saved. Check out Slayer’s breakdown on Wednesday/Thursday, he’ll have the goods.
How I line this fight: Didn’t do tape
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Waldo Cortes-Acosta vs Robelis Despaigne~
I’ve been a consistent Waldo hater since he came to the UFC. He’s a fat guy who strikes, but his power actually looks to be severely lacking. In fact, the only thing he actually does well is a leg kick. Seriously, how can you be that size, that young, and still not KO 2024 Andrei Arlovski? Don’Tale Mayes did it. Waldo also lost a round to Chase Sherman and Jared Vanderaa ffs. I have every reason not to understand why he’s looked at favorably.
Robelis Despaigne’s UFC debut was short lived but impressive all the same. That stuff doesn’t tell us much at all, but he’s a very credentialed combat sports athlete (Lonon 2012 Olympic Bronze Medalist). I can’t really say it with super confidence, but this does feel like it should be a very winnable fight for him.
A lot of people are immediately quoting Despaigne’s MMA record and highlighting his inexperience, but my counter to that would be to consider what experience and tools he is actually going to need here?
I don’t think Cortes-Acosta will have any interest in grappling or attempting takedowns, and I also think he’s the inferior fighter from a power perspective. In a fight like this, what more do you really need?
I’m surprised Despaigne is only around -170 here. I get that he’s inexperienced in MMA but he’s far more experienced than Waldo in professional competition. Maybe I’m being too basic with my analysis here and Waldo actually has something for him, but I was expecting -250 at least. I did initially hesitate on whether or not I wanted to play Despaigne here, given I’ve not got a whole lot to offer in my analysis other than Olympian vs fat boi….but I don’t think Waldo brings anything uniquely MMA to the table that Despaigne is going to struggle with?
I scoffed at that Jhonata Diniz guy making his debut -250 to Austen Lane few weeks ago because I saw a clear angle for an MMA based opponent to capitalise on a skillset that the vastly more credentialed striker wouldn’t be well versed in dealing with. Given what we saw there, I’d say I was absolutely right. Diniz still got the job done, but Lane was able to weaponise MMA experience. Waldo probably won’t. Honestly it wouldn’t even surprise me to see Robelis try and show off some of his MMA improvements and shoot a takedown on fat boi.
2u Robelis Despaigne to win at -163. This could age terribly because I know I’m going against my principles here…but this betting line could look like an absolute gift in hindsight.
How I line this fight: Waldo Cortes-Acosta +250 (29%), Robelis Despaigne -250 (71%)
Bet or pass: 2u Robelis Despaigne to Win (-163)
Prop leans: None

~Carlos Diego Ferreira vs Mateusz Rebecki~
Very simple fight to break down, I think. Rebecki’s a very dominant wrestler with the topside grappling ability to keep you there once he grounds you. We haven’t seen him fight a super high level of competition yet, but I think we’ve seen enough to be excited by him as a prospect.
The above description of Rebecki’s style sounds a lot like a fella called Gregor Gillespie. We saw him face Carlos Diego Ferreira back in 2021 and ultimately force a stoppage by using his style to overwhelm CDF until the ref showed mercy. Mateusz Gamrot, an equally impressive grappler (but with worse top control time than Rebecki and Gillespie) also managed to get CDF to tap to strikes (which is a big, big red flag). Beneil Dariush, though not a pressure wrestler or big ground striker, was able to ground CDF and ride out top position to win comfortably against the Brazilian on two separate occasions. In short, CDF is a prime victim for Rebecki’s style.
And to make matters worse, all of those three aforementioned fights of CDFs happened three years ago. The Brazilian is now 39 years old, and we’ve only seen him compete once since the trio of losses. That was against Michael Johnson, in a fight he was quite clearly losing and was looking terrible in before his power and Johnson’s A+ capitulation managed to gift him a win. Sad for me as I was on the underdog there and felt it was a great bet, but really anyone who bets on a flake like Michael Johnson gets what they pay for.
I felt that -250 was just not a steep enough price tag for Rebecki here, so I bet him heavy a week ago. I fully believe in the guy’s abilities as a grappler, and CDF is ripe for the picking when looking to execute that kind of style. That’s not to mention CDF looks fucking old and clearly on his way out, and is being fed to a 19-1, 31-year-old beast that can get another dominant win on his record against a veteran with a recognisable name (if you don’t recognise CDF’s name, you a casual). I played Rebecki for 3u at -250, then parlay’d him for 2u more with Michel Pereira against Ihor Poteiria last week. That’s 5u in total riding on Rebecki.
I’ve noticed that the betting line has now moved into the -300s since then. I’m a bit sick of harping on about how much of an edge you get by working ahead, but there’s yet another example.
How I line this fight: Carlos Diego Ferreira +400 (20%), Mateusz Rebecki -400 (80%)
Bet or pass: 3u Mateusz Rebecki to Win (-250), 2u Mateusz Rebecki to Win (-105, parlay’d with Michel Pereira last week)
Prop leans: None, but CDF’s ability to wilt on bottom would make me believe Rebecki can finish him here, most likely via KO

~JJ Aldrich vs Veronica Hardy~
JJ Aldrich has historically been a bit of a money train for me, because she doesn’t get the respect she deserves for her skillset. I arb’d out of a bet on Aldrich when I confidently bet her at the opener against Montana De La Rosa (admittedly I got spooked by the line movement and the face I was on an island with that one). I also bet her against Na Liang (she underperformed there, in fairness), Gillian Robertson and Vanessa Demopoulos too.
Her style ain’t pretty, and it doesn’t blow your hair back…but Aldrich is a very competent striker that also has very good takedown defence. If you aren’t an above average striker, you’re therefore likely to struggle against her. Look what she did against Erin Blanchfield – she competently won most of the minutes in that fight and could have easily gone on to beat Erin were it not for that very lucky guillotine (not to discredit a good win from Erin, but it was fortuitous). Yes it’s easy to say that in hindsight, but it’s a testament to the skills Aldrich has, and the fact she’s not really faced too many steps up in competition over the years actually makes her quite underrated.
Veronica Hardy has been a bit of a strange one since she came back to competition. Everyone faded her (myself included) against Juliana Miller, which was possibly the squarest bet I have ever placed in my life. She looked good there, but I think her performance that day was flattered by how awful her opponent was and how much she overcame the betting odds and the lay-off. It felt like the perfect storm for Veronica, so the fact she overcame it kind of bolsters that win when in reality she beat a non-UFC calibre fighter. Miller is also purely a grappler and couldn’t get her takedowns going, so there isn’t really a whole lot of comparison to make for that fight anyway because that’s not JJ’s style.
Hardy’s last appearance came against Jamey-Lyn Horth, a then 6-0 Canadian fighter who hadn’t done anything remarkable in her career, other than beat the equally average and non-UFC calibre Hailey Cowan. The fight was razor close, with both women incidentally landing the exact same number of significant strikes and takedowns. A split decision was understandable there, it was a hard one to score. Wasn’t impressive.
Back to this fight, and I am once again very confused by the betting line, because I think the market is massively underrating JJ Aldrich, as always. She’s faced the much better level of competition in recent years, and the only fighter that’s gotten the better of her in the striking is Ariane Lipski.
Even if you’re just wiki-capping this fight, you should conclude that Aldrich deserves to be favoured. So what does Veronica Hardy have that bridges that gap and pushes her to be the slight favourite? Is it popularity? The fact that she’s hot? Her affiliations to Dan Hardy? The fact she’s a personality outside of MMA? I don’t know but I genuinely think it’s more likely to be any of those things than anything we see on tape! Because I didn’t see anything.
Honestly I think it’s quite likely that those are the factors. A fight like this isn’t going to get a lot of action, and any casual making a 12-fold parlay is more likely to recognise Hardy’s name? Idk, it’s a weird one but either way I’m betting Aldrich for 2u here at +125. I think she should be -150 at least.
How I line this fight: JJ Aldrich -150 (60%), Veronica Hardy +150 (36%)
Bet or pass: 2u JJ Aldrich to Win (+125), 0.5u JJ Aldrich to Win by Decision (+175 or better)
Prop leans: Likely an Aldrich decision

Bets (Bold = been placed)
1u Rodrigo Nascimento to Win (+137) (cashed out of a unit as Nascimento didn't take his Tshirt off at scale and that a huge red flag for me lol)
2u Tecia Torres to Win (+137)
0.25u Tecia Torres to Win by Decision (+170)
1u Terrance McKinney to Win in Round 1 or Esteban Ribovics to Win in Round 2 or 3 (+130)
2u Viacheslav Borshchev to Win (-137)
3u Mateusz Rebecki to Win (-250)
2u Mateusz Rebecki to Win (-105) (parlay with Michel Pereira from last week)
2u JJ Aldrich to Win (+125)
0.25u JJ Aldrich to Win by Decision (+170)
2u Robelis Despaigne to Win (-163)
0.25u Parlay Pieces (+420)
Parlay Pieces: McKinney/Ribovics Under 2.5 Rounds, Ricci/Pennington Over 2.5 Rounds, Aldrich/Hardy Over 2.5 Rounds, Viacheslav Borshchev, Mateusz Rebecki, Robelis Despaigne
Dog of the Week: JJ Aldrich
FUTURE BETS
2u Edson Barboza to Win (+125 or better)
2u Angela Hill to Win (-137)
2u Piera Rodriguez to Win (-120)
2u Kleydson Rodrigues to Win (-175 or better)
1u Abus Magomedov to Win & Under 1.5 Rounds (+100 or better)

As Napalm
It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.
Part 5 Liu
I’m a missile from Zhengzhou
Where my face is printed with flowers
Left university with hope
A blimp
To be ripped
Abrasion and termites
Eat me whole until I undo
Caught to the wires around me
Laying flat
Hoping for something new.
My name is Michelle. I had been at the local foreigner bar. I was raided in Zhengzhou. I lost my job recently. I’m 22 and wanted to work in business, but it will not do. Lost
Now I was working at a TikTok farm. I’m a busy ant.
I can’t remember much. My anti-convulsion meds make my mind feel muddy. I spend nights playing with my tarot cards wondering what I got to do to get to a place better.
Driving me crazy taking meds because my face started to hurt me. Feels like a bolt to my face—absolute torture!—suicide disease—that is what the doctors told me.
So I had an attempt and all my coworkers thought I had an affair.
All the gossip was like blitzkrieg so I ran away—I quit. And I need to make money because I’m sick and don’t want the nerve pain. Hoping surgery can save me. So I found myself working making money on live streams doing ASMR. I put on beautiful hanfu and paint flowers on my face. I’m waiting for gifts. But my boss hates me. Maybe because I don’t fit the picture. It’s not in my character to lay flat.
I speak English fluently. So my boss thinks I’m perfect for something new. I go on WeChat waiting for strangers to go on the social app looking for affairs. Foreigners that are easy to pull likes moths to lights. I flirt with them. Ask them to me in the middle of the night. We go to predestined positions. Guys thinking they are getting something that night. A couple larger men come to force the unexpected men to pay an astronomical bill that is not just for the snacks served.
This became my routine. But onetime it really bad. A Canadian I met in the street did not act right. He appeared to be bouncing and deranged. Like he was on some kind of upper. Offered me white powder. My sensors went off. I’m a missile. I know when something is off. Ready to do what I have to. He came close. I shoved him. I was near the location for the setup. My colleagues heard the commotion. Hands went. The crazed Canadian fell to the ground and never woke up again. Not knowing what to do. I went off like a missile and ran. The fear…
Part 6
I thought of it as I got lost. I’m a butterfly from Zhengzhou. From the center of Henan in China. I float off. Cause I’m stuck. No symmetry in my fate. Came under the ground as a Cicada. Went looking for something great but I’m not far. Just stuck, like a sun that won’t rise up. Call me Liu.
I developed the suicide disease when I was 19. It leaves my facing in tremendous pain on the left side. Makes me fall down and want to die. 26% will commit suicide. I often painted flowers on the side to grant some beauty to what happens to me. This disease caused all my teeth, gums, and entire left side to turn to intense electrical stabbing pain. There would be no warning before an attack. Paranoia of not knowing when the next one will come.
Had a decent job that seemed to be fit and good for me. The attacks brought me to my knees and made me eat carpet. Brought me to a frantic spell that caused me to overdose. Rumors spread at work that it was due to shame I had for having an affair with a married man.
I left the career devastated. I was shamed out of it.
I had temporarily found myself stranded into a career on a TikTok farm in Zhengzhou performing ASMR.
I was transplanted to a new career after a horrible incident. I had ran off to Guangzhou to where my cousin lives.
I want symmetry in my life. There is none. Just instability and pain.
Do you believe in the transplantation of thoughts? I do.
Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Learned about it before in a book. My friend beside me nodded after having taken their fentanyl based medicine earlier. Tiring doing odd jobs to pull off getting ahold of things.
I walked by and entered my workplace. I walked into the studio that was based in Guangzhou. I was handed my flyers. I headed to the street and began passing them out to advertise for a local KTV with women wearing little to no clothing on them.
A man walked by on the sidewalk. Some man looked like someone I must know before. Ever ad that feeling? But I could not know for sure or remember exactly. I awkwardly stared him up and down.
The man I had a hard time recognizing started to feel all too familiar. It was like I could read his thoughts. I have a projector head. Sometimes I can see everything. I feel it like rays of the sun on my skin—so natural and calling. Like Chang’e on the moon so far away looking down on a lover she misses—this man was sending radio signal signals from his marrow. A special type of attraction. Need attention like the world has been cruel to me. A world that has abandoned me.
The books were right that I had been reading. He must of noticing my odd staring. He took a flyer from me. Stumbled a bit while trying to understand what was going on. I pointed at the establishment I worked and told him he should visit. He gave a smile before departing it. I’m sure heaven can talk—gave orders to lift the anchors to provide transportation to a new fate.
It was exciting to know I might get to meet him, but I had concerns. In the evening I would work within the KTV. Depending on the occasion I would sometimes get to dress in hanfu, which I enjoyed. I sometimes search for distraction as there is something wrong with the way my thoughts transfer. When you live a life under threats and violence—feelings of being trapped in life—you naturally see people with masks. They either pose a threat or are safe and you must view them in black and white. There is no time to see things in grey—too much danger in doing that. I must have a negative perspective on the world around me like a cocoon to stay safe. Like a butterfly I go to faces to see if they bite or have pollen. I believe the man today had pollen. I truly can read minds.
Part 7
Black and white thinking originates like an atom bomb. It tears a mind into a black hole of horrible events. Leaves craters like hole as cheese in the brain—provides the surface to create something that absorbs like a sponge. Pain that radiates through to create the velocity of irritated atomic steam engine that can send signals out. It burns. Cheese head with holes right through like a particle accelerator went right through. Fox holes in the brain when it feels in danger. A life of a perpetual civil war. It is painful.
Such thinking with holes causes one to be prone to have memories fall through black holes and be forgotten. Never can be found. Blanks.
The man that thoughts transpired to earlier in the day went by the name of Muchen. It was like seppuku in attraction. Fusion. We met at the designated room he had gotten with his friends to rent out to have there to host. Drinks are bought as a form of payment. Transplanting of thoughts wears the brain like sandpaper waves of abrasion.
I don't trust you as the reader. You been holding for a long time And I feel attachment with you that makes me very unsafe. I don’t trust you anymore. I rather you stop putting eyes on me. It makes me run off very fast. I’m uncomfortable. The most benign things come across as dangerous to me. And I want you to step away.
Part 8
I like this man I met. He makes me whole. He is the light for everything dark around me. My boss made me feel what I never felt before. He is so nice! Not like the other guys who talk with words that split my insides. I can do the same. Like a cycle hate goes around in love.
He get so lonely at night. But I have the right company.
I’m feeling so nice
Everything just so happy
Tapping away on my phone
Writing poetry
Because my heart grows
Swell like a balloon
Don’t you want to pop it?
Simmer
Like acne to pop.
I kept writing poetry about my feelings of this man. I could not get him out of my head. The strength of transplanted thoughts. I keep going forever. Like a phony I feel. My boss was the man I transplanted thoughts with. He worked at a local host club. For where women and gay men could go and pay drinks for male hosts to sit with them and keep them feeling loved and entertained. I fused to him like atoms in the sun. He was a host at this club. I would host at my location and meet him. We were each other’s. Eating ourselves together.
to be continued..

So I'm in Bye Bye Birdie for the first time. There are SO many references that I feel like I had to do research to figure out. I can't believe how much I miss of the references and context. The only place I found these compiled was this text-based personal website last dated 16 years ago, and even then it's only a few (though really key ones!) and some of them don't show up in my 2024 copy - I wonder if they were pared down. Regardless, figured I'd make a context and reference list based on the copy I have!
I can't fit it all in one post, I exceed the text limit, so we'll start with Act 1 with general context stuff and the second post will be Act 2 only :)

Context

How Dated Was the Musical When Released?
Bye Bye Birdie is famously a direct reference to Elvis Presley getting drafted in 1957 and the stir it caused. But note the musical was written and published in 1958, and went on Broadway in 1960. It's like if a musical went on Broadway this year (2024) about a blonde-haired pop star named Tay-lee Quick (instead of Taylor Swift) who performed a world tour, but didn't initially book any dates in Canada, causing a massive outcry, leading to several Canadian officials and the president "Justice Troodoo" to beg her to stop there and... something else silly happens involving her, then she gets punched by a jealous girlfriend, and silliness ensues.
That is how on-the-nose this musical really is. There are many references to what would have been VERY modern events in this musical. For that reason, I'll try to give some equivalences of how the references in the musical would sound if it was written today.
Elvis' Perception in America
This extensive Wikipedia article does a great job of saying in many words that Elvis was insanely influential and deeply controversial. 1956 was a major year of stardom for Elvis -
Phone Calls
Phones are obviously a huge part of this musical! Wanted to combine all the phone references here.
Kim's Phone Number: Kim's number is, according to Rosie in Act 1, Scene 1, "Capitol 7 - 8820". In the 50s, the previous system which used 6-digit phone numbers started to be replaced by one that used an "exchange prefix" and 5 digits after. (Source) (Source) At the time, phone numbers that didn't connect to anyone were given out for shows like I Love Lucy, so that may be what happened here as well, though I don't know.
One Phone Line to Share: Kim's mother asks her to get off the phone early in the play so she can take a phone call. For a long time before cell phones, each home had a "home number" and you couldn't use it at the same time. This is why Kim's mother is asking her to finish up her call so she can call someone and eventually get a phone call as well.
Picking Kim's Number: Rosie uses a rolodex she randomly flips through to pick Kim - which would have been very standard in the 1950s.
The Operator Trying to Get Through: Calls were pushed through using real people, usually women, plugging lines into a "switchboard" to connect them manually. So when Kim's mom says the operator has been trying to get through for nearly three quarters of an hour, she's been trying to not get a busy signal when manually connecting the lines for 45 minutes! That's dedication!
Mr. MacAfee Frustrated with Long Distance Calls: Cost of international calls at this time was per-minute - so calls to New York, Chicago, Fairbanks, Alaska, and Hong Kong would have cost a pretty penny - over $100 for the first 3 minutes in a similar estimation! It sounds like Conrad and Albert didn't really offer to cover this cost, so you can see why Mr. MacAfee is so cross.
Getting Pinned/Going Steady
"Going steady" referred to, in short, being exclusive with someone. "As Time reported in 1957, "Boys and girls who go steady dance together exclusively (cutting in is frowned upon), sip their sodas, absorb their double features and spin their platters in each other's company or not at all. Steady-going girls indicate their unavailability in various ways, [like] the old-fashioned fraternity pins." (Source) It's mentioned in other sources that this could also be school pins, or rings. Something to show your commitment. One of the heads of my production described it like a "promise ring". It's definitely a firmer promise and commitment then just going out with someone, but not quite an engagement.
However, why, if this is such a sweet gesture of romantic love and commitment, would everyone be freaking out about it, and Kim's parents potentially not reacting well to "getting pinned" or "going steady"? (Kim has a line where she exclaims to her mother that she thinks her dad took the announcement "awfully well"). Truth be told, going steady in high school was actually highly discouraged by adults and especially church at the time. This article/Reddit thread sheds some light. I'll copy the first comment here by u/Gfrisse1. "It was felt that going steady would encourage the relationship to develop into one of physical intimacy, something parents wished to avoid. On the other hand, dating a wider, more diverse number of individuals would give them the experience of being exposed to a greater number of character and personality types, thereby helping to hone their mate-selection skills for later on. In the meantime, the short-term relationships were not expected to get much beyond the first- or second-date stage of intimacy. (One-night-stands, or casual hook-ups were not as common-place as they are today.)"
Cigarettes/Age
There are many references to smoking, cigarettes, and how old you should be in this play. It's complicated, but just know that in the 1950s, EVERYONE smoked. Everywhere. In the early 1950s, though, the first studies were coming out with the link to lung cancer, and tobacco companies used every trick in the book to try to squash that. It's genuinely fascinating (and terrifying) how much money and strategy was poured into this misinformation campaign. Read about it here. Anyway, what this means is in the late 1950s, it's not like most were giving up smoking, but because tobacco companies had started more explicitly advertising to minors, several states were in debate about the smoking age. It varied from 21 to 16, but just know that Kim was not considered old enough to be doing it. (Source.)) However, MANY minors did. Think of it like underaged drinking today as the best analogy. There's some specific cigarette references that will pop up in specific scenes, but just know that's the standard.
Patriotism
Fresh(ish) off of the victory of World War II, which was filled with MASSIVE pushes for increased American patriotism (to the degree that Disney even got in on it!), love for the USA was very culturally acceptable and a way to show you were a good person! It was easy to rally around (especially if you ignored the growing civil rights movement of Black people trying to achieve equality, which many white people at the time were very happy to do until they could no longer ignore it - obviously, not touched on in this musical, but significant. Several racist references have been either removed or are requested to be removed by current versions.) But that's why we hear so many classic American anthems in this play!

References by Order of Appearance (Act 1)

Almaelou Music Corporation

This is the end of Almaelou Music Corporation!

Almaelou may very well be a parody of Aldon Music, which would fit due to its major success being in the late 50s, and it's influence in music written for teen girls at the time.
Arpege

Rosie: A five-dollar raise in 1954 and a bottle of Arpege last Christmas.

Arpege is a perfume that was released in 1927 and remained the best-selling perfume of well-loved fashion line Levine for decades. (Source) Albert is quoting a commercial tagline tied to the perfume that was very well-known at the time. It continued to be used in commercials for many years. (Commercial example). It was possible to see 1/2 oz bottles at the time (Source), but Albert gave her a laughably small amount at 1/16 of an ounce. You can still buy this perfume today!
A five-dollar raise in 1954. Secretaries in metropolitan areas could earn around $75 a week. (Source) A five-dollar raise bringing that to $80 a week would, ironically, be about a 1/16 increase in earnings. Also, Rosie is pointing out in an earlier line she has put in 90 hour weeks and hasn't gotten a raise in four years.
Modern example:

Rosie: My last raise was four years ago and you got me that jewelry from Kay Jewelers once
Albert: "Every Kiss Begins with Kay", Rosie. Rosie: Not when that "Kay" is a .25 karat discontinued friendship ring!

Music Business Bum Vs. English Teacher
This is related to the prestige of being an English teacher who is helping people learn a scholarly subject vs. the "seedy" music industry.
Ugga Bugga Boo

"When you wrote Conrad's last hit 'Ugga Bugga Boo' then I knew this was it/You were thru with English forever."

Ugga Bugga Boo is a real song released 1947. It's a comedy song, written by voice acting legend and radio host Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny, Porky Pig, and many others) for his comedy radio show. I do wonder if Elvis had a song in this vein, as the Jetsons did a similar parody with an Elvis expy a few years later, but I couldn't find one.
Geoffrey ChauceWilliam Morris

"It was goodbye, Geoffrey ChauceHello, William Morris"

Geoffrey Chaucer is considered one of the greatest English writers, specifically poets, of all time. Born in the 1400s.
As for William Morris, this could be two references, possibly combining.
William Morris Agency was an incredibly famous music talent agency that would have likely been known by some audience members in the 1950s. They've represented tons of major talent. This is what I believe is the most likely reference given the song context.
However William Morris was a man also considered a legendary poet during his life, born in the 1830s. However, he also made wallpapers and textiles. After his passing, he became infinitely more famous in the public eye for his wallpaper designs than he did for his poetry. This is could be a dig at that Alfred could be great in the English world, but like Morris, his legacy will be for something "silly" instead. (Important to note that his works, both art and poetry, had great impact - and this may just be a coincidence reference, I don't know)
Bliss! Kiss! That rhymes! I wonder if anyone's ever used it before?
Many people had and have, this is a joke of him being unaware of current trends. Dean Martin had a #1 song in 1955 with this very rhyme for instance that audiences may have remembered at the time.
Dentifrice

Albert: Oh one last kiss; it gives so much bliss... what is your dentifrice! No, that's too clinical...

Basically, toothpaste. Which is, kind of, related to kissing? It could actually be a paste or powder for cleaning the teeth, though in the 50s it wouldn't have been the default way to refer to what you used it seems from my research, like in this commercial. May be a way to show off that Albert really does have an excellent English teacher level vocabulary!
A modern example may be "do you use fluoride? No, that's too clinical..."
"What's the story? Morning glory?"
This is most likely a reference to the song "What's Your Story, Morning Glory?" by jazz legend Ella Fitzgerald released in 1958, another topical reference. It's very possible Helen, the teen who says this line, would be aware of the song because Ella Fitzgerald in 1956 had released her "Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Song Book" album, her attempt to pull in a non-jazz audience. (Source on Ella's Discography)
"What's the tale, nightingale" is most likely an original line to match the "Morning glory" one, same with the hummingbird line.
"Go to a fancy night club and stay out after ten!"
A nightclub was different from what we think of today. Think tables and chairs, late night musical performances (not the NSFW kind), and in some of the most famous like the Copacabana night club, rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. And drinking, of course! Source on Nightclub Definition
18 in World War II

Mr. MacAfee: I am not an old man! I was 18 in World War II.

This is one that may get a bit better with time. WWII ended in 1945, but the play is in 1958 at the earliest. It's better to demonstrate with a modern example written for 2024. "I am not an old man! I was 18 when Facebook first launched." Not quite the same impact as WWII, but the timeline is similar. Essentially this is not a flex and just shows he definitely is old to a teenager.
No Smoking 'Till You're 14

Albert: Remember the Conrad Birdie Creed dear. No smoking till you're fourteen.

As mentioned in my blurb above, 14 was too young to smoke. A modern version may say "No drinking 'till you're 16" or something. Similar to the line "and stay out of the bar!" later on.
"Go down to Track 12"

Albert: Why don't you girls go down to Track 12 and I'll talk to her.

This is one of the many train tracks that must have run through this station. This station is located in New York, so it would make sense for there to be at least 12.
Wear your rubbers

"Keep your money in your inside pocket. Wear your rubbers. And eat a hot lunch..."

While "rubber" as slang for a condom definitely did exist in the 1950s, I believe it's far more likely Mae is referring to overshoes due to the context, though to be fair, I can't find a source to this being "official slang" besides casual mention in posts like these. Something tells me Mae is not randomly mentioning condoms lol.
A Plain G.I.

Albert: Proud to be a plain G.I.!

Mentioning this because it's faded away from current use and surged in usage most recently at WWII, this is just referring to being a soldier. (Source) Hence, G.I. Joe, if you're old enough to remember that.
Appealing for the Draft

Albert: And that's why he volunteered for...

Men were drafted to join the US armed forces until 1973. (Source)
Jerries

Albert: "Say Mr. Peterson," he cried eagerly, "Do you suppose I can get assigned to the front-line trenches? That way I'll be sure to get one of those dirty jerries..."

"Jerries" is slang for German soldiers and was most popular during WWII. The joke here is that WWII is over at this point - the enemies Conrad would be facing at this time would be the Vietnamese, not the Germans. When Rosie tries to correct him, he just says "whoever's dirty this time!".
2024 equivalent: "Conrad said 'Is there any way I could be placed on Seal Team 6? That way I'll be sure to get that Osama Bin Laden for sure!'" "Albert!" "...Or whoever the terrorist is this time!"
Rosie + Albert's "Origin Stories" for Conrad
Just a few references from Rosie's and Albert's stories in "Healthy Normal American Boy" that may be interesting.
Old Virginie - This may be known as a historical fact for people in Virginia, but Carry Me Back to Old Virginny was popular enough in the state of Virginia that it was the state song starting in 1940. In 1940, the version that became the state song had "Virginia" instead of "Virginny", but people watching the musical would definitely be familiar with the original version as this play was only 20 years later.
Indo-China - An eastern territory that got independence from France claim in 1954, and comprised Cambodia, Laos, and parts of Vietnam. Audiences would have been very aware of what Indochina was - according to Wikipedia, "The events of [Indochina getting independence in 1954 through the Geneva Convention and the political tensions of that between S/N Vietnam and other countries] marked the beginnings of serious United States involvement in Vietnam and the ensuing Vietnam War." (Source) Remember, that's the current war during the events of the play!
Dirty Hong Kong moon - We had a complicated relationship with Hong Kong in the 1950s-60s. Read more here. Though I'm not sure if this is meant to be a mis-insult like when Albert said "dirty Jerries".
A wire to New York

Another Reporter: I'll make sure we've got a wire to New York.

This is almost certainly setting up a telegraph communication to New York, which was still happening (though declining in popularity) by 1960. (Source)
I mean I really feel that girl

Conrad: When I sing about a tree/I really feel that tree!/When I sing about a girl,/I really feel that girl,/I mean I really feel sincere!

This isn't necessarily specific to the 50s or 60s but I think this joke gets missed because it seems so tame today. A huge part of Elvis' appeal was his explicit sex appeal at the time (in the form of - gasp! - hip thrusts!) so he's slipping in accidentally a reference to "feeling up" a girl%20for%20sexual%20pleasure) here. Yeah, that slang started in the 1930s!
Mr. MacAfee's Speech
Just know that this is a lot of great historical references, nothing specific to 1950 - 60.
Ed Sullivan
Ed Sullivan was the nationwide sensation that lead The Ed Sullivan Show, a TV program considered one of the most iconic of all time in US television history. You have to understand just how influential and huge the Ed Sullivan Show was at this time. It's genuinely difficult to think of an equivalent in 2024 - today, people get entertainment from tons of sources on the internet, TV, etc. but in 1960 there were THREE television channels. That was it. THREE. To be fair, there were many, many more radio stations that could deliver information and entertainment, but by 1960 it was a TV nation - as the Library of Congress says, "In 1950 only 9 percent of American households had a television set, but by 1960 the figure had reached 90 percent." The Ed Sullivan Show was well watched and well loved by all of the United States. (And Albert saying that they would appear on Sunday at 8:05 was right, as that's when it aired in real life!)
One reason Ed Sullivan is specifically picked is the absolute bombshell of a privilege to be a normal family on this show beamed in practically every household in the United States. But another is Elvis' relationship with the show. When Elvis finally appeared on the show in 1956, it set a record of the most-viewed TV program ever in the US. In fact, it still holds the record TODAY of having the highest share of TV viewers in all of television history in the US. No other TV program has ever had a higher percentage of people tune in vs. other stations. (I mean, that's helped by the fact that there were only 3 choices, but still!) So yeah - this was a cultural phenomenon that was easy to reference in this show!
Margo out of Shangri-La

Mrs. Peterson: She looks like Margo when they took her out of Shangri-La.

Going to take this one right from that personal website I referenced above!

In the 1937 [movie] "Lost Horizon)" [...] a group of travelers are stuck in a utopia called Shangri-La, somewhere in the Himalayas. One of the residents of Shangri-La is Maria, played by Margo), a Mexican dancer and actress. When the travelers finally escape, Maria insists on going with them. But outside the realm of Shangri-La, her youthful beauty can no longer be maintained and she reverts to her true age, causing her to die and her appearance to transform to the hideously withered, wrinkled features of someone who has lived way beyond a normal life span.

You can watch the movie free with ads here, if you're curious! Also, according to the synopsis, Maria never actually escapes Shangri-La. She just dies and "reverts to her true age". AKA looks very very very decrepit. I'm guessing this is more of an easy thing to misremember and better shorthand, though. See the face at 2 hr 3 minutes in abouts!
Suwannee River

Gloria: Mae, can you hum Suwannee River?

While this is a nice convenient copyright-free tune, it would definitely have been publicly known at the time. It had been sung at least partially by Bing Crosby, on the Honeymooners, etc. in recent years before the musical premiered. Unsure if this is what they were going for, but the original lyrics are racist - no wonder it was Mae's "favorite selection".
Ruby Keeler

(Stage direction) Gloria tap dances as Mrs. Peterson hums gaily. Sort of Ruby Keeler-ish steps with a lot of feet-slapping.

Ruby was a well known actress and dancer in the 1920s-30s (and then later after a break). Here's some footage of her dancing! Interestingly, in her early career she was cast in a musical called Bye, Bye, Bonnie. In a newspaper article review, it seems the plot wasn't very similar to Bye Bye Birdie, though it did involve someone going to jail. (Source)
The Touch System

Mrs. Peterson: I'll find you a typewriter (Exits) Albert: [TO GLORIA] Do you use the touch system? Gloria: Whenever possible.

Albert is just referring to the touch system of typing - basically, not looking at the keyboard while you type. Still relevant today, though not with typewriters, which were standard until the 1980s, so that fits here. Of course, Gloria is of course referring to, uh, something a bit more sensual. (Read: She wants to touch him and not like a friend.)
Kodak Ad

Sullivan: So remember: your surest way to the best in color slides is to insist on the new Kodak! And now, the young man you've all been waiting to see.

Just like media today, the Ed Sullivan Show certainly included ads. This included ad deals where Ed himself would promote a product, kind of like YouTubers do with "This video is sponsored by...". And, as you can guess, one of those products was Kodak cameras and camera related products. Kodak was still a huge brand at the time (there were not cell phone cameras as competition, so it was way more likely your home owned a camera or two), Kodak absolutely was sponsoring the Ed Sullivan show and had been for a few years (Source). Here's an example from the time period. What you may miss about this ad in the musical is that it's not actually advertising a camera! Cameras at the time required physical film be loaded into them, and wouldn't you know it, Kodak released a new high-speed color film in 1959! (I think this may be a coincidence, as Kodak had been selling color film for quite a bit before this) Yet another reference that's right on the nose of the current times (of the time)!
Wear it in good health

Albert: Who let that kid in here? Rosie: I did Albert. Albert: Rosie! Rosie: It's a sort of farewell present to you and Miss Rasputin. Wear it in good health.

Not invented in the 50s by any means, but this phrase really isn't used as much today I think. There's not really a deeper meaning here besides sarcasm that I can find - it's just wishing someone well. Obviously, the sarcasm is dripping here lol.
Dinah Shore

STAGE DIRECTION: ...as Mr. MacAfee throws a tremendous Dinah Shore kiss to the audience.

Dinah Shore was an actress and entertainer that had been popular for years at that point. Super interesting career if you want to give it a read. This is referencing her famous "Dinah Shore kiss" that she would give at the end of her show broadcasts and was a huge part of her brand. Here's an example!
Stay tuned for Part 2! :)

I did not know they made those in Canada too.
For context, I am a young university student. I have two phones, one which is an old Huawei model that I use for school and work. It's quite slow but has all my authenticator apps for school, years of notes, the email I use for work and my work number on it. It runs okayish well but is horrible in terms of processing speed and storage, yet I'm a lazy shit and keep putting off transferring all the data to make my future self's life easier. My second phone, on the other hand, is a newer Iphone 14 Pro max model and it has all my games, friend contacts, social media, etc. on them.
This occurred back when classes were still in session, but reading all these stories jotted my memory, and now I finally have time to share it too. Everything is still so vividly detailed in my head that I basically can't get it out, since everything was so absurd.
Anyways, onto the story.
Onto the bus I go, a normal ride for me which I take every day. I take two connections, one which is an express bus from the University to a Skytrain station, and the second from the Skytrain station to home. the second bus is where I encounter this entitled parent. I sit down at the back of the bus where I always sit, and a woman who's on her phone and talking very loudly, gets on the bus with a noisy kid who is screaming and crying and throwing a hissy fit for god knows why.
I sigh, realize it's going to be one of those rides, and try to ignore the commotion. little did I know, the little one has climbed up next to my seat and staring at my screen, while her mother is nearly five seats away still in heated conversation about god knows what. Out of nowhere, I hear a
"do you have games on your phone?"
I spin around, and there he is. this little kid, perhaps seven or eight, is gazing DEEP into my soul, on his knees on the seat, and inches from my face. I lean back because, well, I don't function well with people up in my face, and this kid leans CLOSER. foolishly, I reply.
"...yeah?"
"can I play on it?"
"no. go away."
"but I'm bored."
"I don't care. go away."
the kid pouts and runs off. I thought that was the end of it. then, a shadow looms over me. I hear an ahem. then again. I try to ignore it, but it was like an unskippable bossfight cutscene. then, out of the corner of my ear-
"YOUNG MAN!"
I look up. great. it's the crazy lady.
"yeah?"
"why did you tell my son he couldn't use your phone?"
"because it's MY phone?"
"you kids are always glued to the screen these days. you can do without it for a single bus ride."
at this point, I am stunned. so I don't respond for a few seconds, then slowly reply:
"what I do with my phone is none of your business."
this lady recoils in shock and anger as if I had just buried a puppy alive.
"how dare you talk to me like that! show some respect!"
she then sees my second phone (my work phone) and says:
"you have two phones! just give him one! you can use the other one."
"no, lady. I'm not giving some stranger's kid my phone."
"but you don't neeeeeeed two phones!"
"lady." I was annoyed at this point, and my tone was starting to get aggressive. "it doesn't matter that I have two phones. they are MY phones. I won't be giving them to your son. no means no."
she rolls her eyes and walks away, her son screaming and clutching the legs of her pants. I tune out the commotion once more, stricken with disbelief and still wondering what in the world just happened, open up some offline games to decompress. I thought that was the end of everything.
how foolish I was.
I feel a tug on my backpack as I zone out. I instinctively look from my screen, and this little piece of shit is under the seat, REACHING INTO MY BAG trying to pull out my second phone. I panic, smack away his hand, and shout:
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
Now, I am normally a very calm and reserved person. However, having served six full years in the Royal Canadian Army Cadets and currently being a Drill Instructor, my voice was LOUD when I wanted it to be. The kid winces and cowers, freezing for a solid moment before crawling out from under the seat, and runs to his mother crying. I sigh to myself.
yep. she's back. before the kid even reaches her, she's up and storming over.
"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO MY SON LIKE THAT!"
"your son tried to STEAL MY PHONE!"
"let him have it! stop being a brat. you can stay off your phone for a moment. it's not that big of a deal."
I was seething with rage. boiling with anger. without skipping a beat, I spat back:
"well, if it's not such a big deal, how about you let him have YOURS? that way, you can keep an eye on your little 'precious angel' and start being a responsible parent for once. your kid being bored is not MY responsibility."
she turned red and demanded, "are you calling me a bad parent?"
and I responded with, "if you were such a good parent, your kid wouldn't be off trying to STEAL OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF!"
now, our shouting match had drawn quite a commotion. I heard a few "ooh"s and "damn"s from the back of the bus. she grew visibly red and SNATCHED my phone from my hand. not my work phone, the one in my hand.
"Give me that! you brats don't deserve these!"
I was stunned for a second that she actually did something so incomprehensibly stupid. looking back, I knew I should have done something better. but I sprang up, wrestled MY phone from her grasp, and knocked her down in the process.
shit hits the fan.
she starts wailing like a banshee, screaming that I assaulted her, her son is crying and he's punching me in the legs. the bus screeches to a halt, and the driver comes running up. now, seeing the situation, me towering over the screeching mother and holding a phone, he assumes that I was the perpetrator. This is quite a long bus, joined together with two sections, so I assumed that he hadn't heard or saw exactly what was happening, only noticing the commotion in his rear mirror and seeing me knock Karen down after snatching the phone from her grasp.
so he says, "sir, return that device at once and leave the premises, or I will be forced to call the pol-"
before he can even finish the sentence, the entire bus EXPLODES with several other passengers speaking up at once, defending my case and telling the driver what had actually happened. The driver held up his hand, backed up, and tried to get everyone to calm down, which took quite a while (especially because the Karen kept screaming that she was going to have me arrested, that she was going to sue me, that she was going to press charges, etc).
once everything finally calms down, I begin to speak. however, the Karen interjects with "sir, he stole my phone from me! I demand to have this [insert racial slur] arrested!"
"Ma'am, please don't use that language here."
He looks like he's about to say something else, but I sigh and hold up my hand, and in the most calm voice I can muster in the moment, reply
"sir, this phone is mine. if you will allow me, I will unlock it."
I hold up the phone. it's got an Anime wallpaper on it, certainly not something middle aged women with children would have. I type in the password, and the screen is unlocked. the Karen starts screeching AGAIN.
"HE SAW ME TYPE IN MY PASSWORD! THAT'S HOW HE KNOWS!"
"LADY." a clearly annoyed man in the back speaks up in a booming voice. "there are cameras on the bus. everything is recorded."
at the mention of cameras, she turns white as a sheet. then, without skipping a beat, she drags her crying son to the back door and begins POUNDING on it, demanding that she be let out, all while screaming obscenities and threatening that she's going to sue, that she's going to file a complaint with Transit, blah blah blah.
THAT wasn't even it. in the commotion, despite threatening to by the Karen, someone had ACTUALLY called the cops. right on cue, so two officers roll up to the bus with flashing lights. the Karen throws herself at the officers as they are let in and start spinning some sob story when she's cut off at once by a very annoyed police officer (this was something like 8 at night and was probably nearing the end of his shift or something, because he had an expression like he was absolutely DONE).
long story short, the bus was halted for something like an hour and forty five minutes, a second one pulled up which all the other passengers filed off into (not before giving a witnesses' statement), the camera feed was pulled, and Karen was placed into the back of a cruiser after she slapped a police officer. one says that they arrived because there was a report of someone being assaulted on public transport.
the police get my contact information, my ID, etc, and tells me that they'll contact me if anything else needs to be done. I have no idea what happened to the kid, because I didn't stick around for the aftermath and just wanted to get the hell out of there.
The worst part?
My parents who was always displeased with me coming at home late, unfortunately, did not believe my story. They thought it was an excuse.

TOTAL SCAM!! I was contacted through Whatsapp about a online job reviewing apps through Vog Developers, which is a legitimate company based in Calgary as far I can tell. They send you a link to vogcanada.com, which is not the same as vogappdevelopers.com (the real company), get you to sign up and start reviewing apps which you get paid commission for through e transfer. Seems legit at first but then you get a "bundle" of apps to review and they want you to transfer money in to this account with this explanation:
"According to the legal requirements of Canada, the data provided by our company must be real, so we need to purchase the app before boosting the data, because there is a purchase record in order to prove that it is real, so the amount will be frozen before boosting, and after completing the boosting the amount and commission will be returned to your balance."
I had already seen a few things that made me suspicious, including the "Canadian" women with whom I was communicating using strange expressions and repeating word for word her explanations when I asked questions. Hilariously when I asked if this was a scam, she replied "impolite" and "uncultured thing" haha. When I searched "vog canada scam" I found out their website is less than two months old and registered in Albania. When you open vogcanada.com from a computer not from a mobile browser the poor quality of the website is evident. NOT a very well designed scam as they asked me to transfer them money on my first day, I mean at least try to gain my trust first, ya know??
Luckily I did not fall for it so didn't lose any money, but they did waste a bunch of my time which is annoying. I was contacted by "Catherine" from a BC phone number. Anyone else?

This is really just my notes from watching the game. I'm very amateur so don't read too much into my thoughts. Unless there's an amazing save or something, don't expect much commentary on goaltending. I know some terms and I understand the basics of it, but goaltending's really voodoo to me.
Victor Eklund (William's brother, 2025 eligible) is on the Swedish team.
The top line for Canada isn't 2024 eligible - McQueen and Martone are 2025 eligible and Gavin McKenna is 2026 eligible.
Jett Luchanko opened the scoring with a nice shot. The announcers were comparing him to Nick Suzuki.
Alfons Freij made a bad drop pass at the tail end of the power play that went straight to another 2025 eligible for Canada, Malcolm Spence (was ranked 11 on the Athletic's 2025 rankings..misses 2024 draft eligibility by a week) who scored (technically not a SHG by about half a second). Freij did have a teammate in the vicinity but it was a bit in the teammate's skates and Spence was right there so he skated it into the zone, looked off a pass, and had a nice snipe.
Iginla's been all over it, getting to the net, generating a lot of chances.
Henry Mews has made a couple of really nice passes. The commentators highlighted that he sees the ice really well and knows his move ahead of time when he's getting the puck.
Zetterberg (no relation, tankathon has him as mid/late 3rd round, biggest knock is probably that he's 5'8", 159 lb) takes advantage of a pick by Freij, navigates around some the defense and then gets a seam pass to Fernstrom (late-ish 2nd for Wheeler, mid-3rd for tankathon) who is wide open at the faceoff circle and he scores to make it 2-1.
Eklund's noticeable for Sweden, fighting hard in the corners, forechecking hard, getting a few decent shots attempts away. Not sure if any are on net.
Bad penalty for Leo Sahlin Wallenius. Cross check seemingly for no reason that rode up to the head. The ensuing power play runs through McKenna, he gets a decent shot away and Martone grabs the rebound, gets it back to McKenna, it gets passed a few times and ends up to Martone below the goal line on the left wing side, he gets a pass through the crease to McKenna who rips it immediately from the right faceoff circle to bring it to 3-1. Commentators comparing McKenna to Kucherov.
McKenna scores again, skates around a defender, looks like he's going to shoot, delays, then shoots it right under the bar. 4-1 Canada.
Start of the 2nd period, puck kind of bouncing around around the Canadian net, Canadian goalie (Carter George, one of the top draft eligible goalies this year) tries to push the puck out, Brunicke can't quite get it so it ends up on Fernstrom's stick, he passes it across the slot to Zetterberg who shoots it before George can get across. Canada's lead is down to 4-2.
Another really nice play by McKenna finding a path to skate to the net through traffic, saved by the Swedish netminder.
Commentators talking up Sahlin Wallenius - great skater, playing big minutes. Not directly comparing but mentioning Axel Sandin Pellika in the discussion.
Sweden ended up with a 4-on-3 that became a 5-on-3 which was run through Freij. He got it to Zetterberg a few times but he either opted not to shoot or missed (one was a post). When it was back to a standard PP Canada got the puck back but before they could leave the zone Eriksson stripped the puck from Brunicke and got it across the crease to Zetterberg directly in front of the net and he scored to make it 4-3. Commentators comparing Zetterberg to Tyler Johnson.
Vanacker had a breakaway and was fouled pretty heavily (a couple of hooks and a trip), it was probably going to be a penalty shot, but during the delayed penalty Martone generated some chances and Matthew Schaefer (2025 LD, ranked 14th on Athletic's early list) scores. 5-3 Canada.
Martone seems like the type of player you love if he's on your team but you hate on opponents. Says something to a Swedish player on the faceoff and gets a slash for it, seems like he'll draw some penalties by getting under people's skin. The commentators likened him to Corey Perry.
Another great play by McKenna, gets the puck behind the net and weaves around a defender and gets the puck to a teammate who gets a shot away.
McQueen hit Zetterberg knee on knee and Zetterberg's down on the ice/in pain. 5 minutes and the game for McQueen. Zetterberg stayed on the bench, not down to the locker room and he came out about a minute into the power play.
Nice seam pass by Eklund, nothing came from it.
Zetterberg created a great chance, got the puck to a teammate down low behind the goalie but the shot went right through the crease.
Commentators talking about the goalie (George) so I'll parrot what they said. He made a nice save with a player skating from below the goal line and they were talking about the good form with the reverse VH, but later there was a scrambly play crashing the net and they referred to it as throwing form out the window to make the save and get on the puck and that's where goalie's determination shows itself.
5-3 after 2, still about a minute and a half of the major to go.
Luchanko won the draw to start the 3rd, skated up the ice and got it to Iginla for a good chance 4-on-4. A bit later Iginla got the puck in his own end, skated it across to the other end and got another shot away that didn't miss by much.
McKenna and Martone work together to steal the puck in the Sweden end. McKenna gets a shot away but he heels it and Sweden gets the puck back.
I'm laughing at the commentators. Apparently there was a penalty on Sweden at the end of the 2nd but they didn't notice it so they're having a long discussion about how power plays don't seem to work out at the start of periods despite it being 4-on-4. They were finally notified of it I think about 2 minutes later and apologized.
Luchanko killing a penalty used his speed to get Sahlin Wallenius to hook him to nullify the penalty.
Freij gets the puck behind the Canada net, loops around to the blue line, then McKenna smacks his stick as he's at the blue line forcing the turnover to Martone who passes it back to McKenna creating a breakaway chance that was saved (showed five hole and then closed it).
Eklund briefly won a board battle in the offensive zone, then when the puck was back in his end he blocked a shot.
Nice give and go between Martone and McKenna including a between the legs pass (nothing comes from it).
Ryder Ritchie and Iginla teamed up for a steal in their end of the ice and created a breakaway but when Ritchie got the pass he was skating backward at the blue line and it was called offside (I think in the NHL it's probably considered onside, the puck was on his stick before he got completely across the line).
Cole Beaudoin with a dangerous check a few feet from the boards with both guys coming in with speed gets a minor.
Luchanko showing off his speed to win a race to a cleared puck against Freij, burns some time off the PP clock.
Nice passing play by Eklund to create a chance right in front for Hesselvall (ranked 73 by FC Hockey, 56 for EU skaters by NHL Central Scouting).
Martone chasing a Swedish player on a breakaway, dives and swats the puck to the corner from behind just as he was getting toward the net.
With the goalie pulled for Sweden the puck gets popped into the air by Luchanko, Iginla gets to it over Sahlin Wallenius and passes it to Carson Wetsch who scores the empty netter.
Final score 6-3 Canada.
Announced player of the game for Sweden: Zetterberg
Announced player of the game for Canada: McKenna.
Players that stood out to me: McKenna and Zetterberg obviously, Martone, Luchanko, Iginla, Eklund, and Mews. Canada seemed to outmatch Sweden a lot of the game and there was a lot of rough stuff both ways. Sahlin Wallenius seemed like he was almost always out there (at the start of the second they mentioned he'd played 20 minutes so far) and Freij made a few bad plays.

Paul ODonovan had a decently fast time, too bad it was 3rd in his heat of the heavy single
Czech team with multiple boats underweight...
I was shocked to see GBR LW2x lose but then realized it's a new combination, Bates and Grant.
Romanian women's pair and Ger+Rou men's doubles are flying.
NOR W2x is super fast, beat the Romanians? The Canadian LW2x has been training with the team so maybe they'll pick up some of that speed!
Happy to see Greeks doing well.
Tight racing in the PR1W1x

The draft is TOMORROW folks I can’t believe we finally made it. Doing this series has been fun, I think my favorite part has been all of your comments about random memories of this player at the game you went to, seeing Tommy Kramer at a bar, getting an autograph, etc.
I’d say my top 3 favorite players to learn about so far have been (in no particular order).

• Chris Kluwe
• Rick Fenney
• Greg Coleman

Funny that two of them are punters. I’ve kind of learned that kickers and punters are like goalies and are almost always weird / interesting dudes.
Enjoy the draft everyone, hopefully we can all rally around whatever QB we take, and at least give him a shot if you’re not happy with the pick.
About Warren Moon from Wikipedia:

Early years

Born in Los Angeles, California, Moon was the middle child amongst six sisters. His father, Harold, was a laborer and died of liver disease when Moon was seven years old. His mother, Pat, was a nurse, and Warren learned to cook, sew, iron and housekeep to help take care of the family. He decided early on that he could play only one sport in high school because he had to work the rest of the year to help the family. Moon chose to play football as a quarterback since he found that he could throw a football longer, harder, and straighter than anyone he knew.
Moon enrolled at Alexander Hamilton High School, using the address of one of his mother's friends to gain the advantages of a better academic and athletic reputation than his neighborhood high school could offer. Moon had little playing time until his junior year, when he took over as varsity starting quarterback. In Moon's senior season in 1973, the football team reached the city playoffs and Moon was named to the all-city team.

College

Moon attended two-year West Los Angeles College and was a record-setting quarterback as a freshman in 1974, but only a handful of four-year colleges showed interest in signing him. However, Offensive coordinator Dick Scesniak of the University of Washington in Seattle, was eager to sign the rifle-armed Moon. Adamant to play quarterback, Moon considered himself to be perhaps a slightly above-average athlete who lacked either the size, speed, or strength to play other positions.
Under new head coach Don James, Washington was 11–11 in Moon's first two seasons as a starter, but as a senior in 1977, he led the Huskies to the Pac-8 title and a 27–20 upset win in the Rose Bowl over Michigan. Moon was named the game's Most Valuable Player on the strength of two short touchdown runs and a third-quarter 28-yard touchdown pass to wide receiver Robert "Spider" Gaines.
Despite his collegiate success, Moon was led to believe he would only be a late-round NFL pick and was fearful that would lead to a limited opportunity to make it in the NFL.

Canadian Football League

Six weeks before the NFL draft, Moon signed with the Edmonton Eskimos. He and Tom Wilkinson shared signal-calling duties from 1978 to 1981, winning four consecutive Grey Cups during this span.
Moon became Edmonton's No. 1 quarterback midway through the 1980 season. That year, the team won their third consecutive Grey Cup, and Moon won his first Grey Cup Offensive MVP award as Edmonton defeated Hamilton 48–10.
In 1981, Moon started his first year as Edmonton's No. 1 quarterback with Wilkinson, who would retire after the season, as the team's No. 2 quarterback. Moon was moved to the reserve list for Edmonton's game against Ottawa on October 12. During the Grey Cup, Moon was struggling and Edmonton was trailing Ottawa 20–0 in the second quarter. At this time, Moon was replaced by Wilkinson. Moon returned in the second half and directed drives for three touchdowns and the game winning field goal with three seconds remaining in the game. Edmonton defeated Ottawa 26–23 to win a CFL record fourth consecutive Grey Cup.
In 1982, Moon became the first professional quarterback to pass for 5,000 yards in a season by reaching exactly 5,000 yards. Edmonton would recover from a 3–5 start to finish the regular season 11–5, and first place in the West Division for the sixth consecutive season. The team qualified for the Grey Cup for the sixth consecutive season, and won the Grey Cup for the fifth consecutive year. Moon was named the Grey Cup Offensive MVP for the second time in his career.
In his final CFL season, 1983, Moon threw for a league-record 5,648 yards and won the CFL's Most Outstanding Player Award. However, the season was not as successful for the Eskimos as they finished with an 8–8 record. Having barely made the playoffs (which they would have missed altogether if not for a loss by the Calgary Stampeders to the last place Saskatchewan Roughriders in the last week of the regular season), Moon's Eskimos were throttled in Winnipeg by the Blue Bombers in the West semi-final.
In his six years in the CFL, Moon amassed 1,369 completions on 2,382 attempts (57.4 completion percentage) for 21,228 yards and 144 touchdown passes. He also led his team to victory in nine of 10 postseason games. Moon was inducted into the Canadian Football Hall of Fame in 2001 and the Eskimos' Wall of Honour. In 2006, he was ranked fifth on a list of the greatest 50 CFL players presented by Canadian sports network TSN.
#NFL / Vikings
Moon spent 10 seasons with the Oilers, whom he led to seven playoff appearances, and made an eighth postseason run with the Vikings before retiring in 2000.
Moon was traded to the Minnesota Vikings after the 1993 season, where he passed for over 4,200 yards in each of his first two seasons, but missed half of the 1996 season with a broken collarbone. The Vikings' starting quarterback job was given to Brad Johnson and Moon was released after he refused to take a $3.8-million pay cut to serve as Johnson's backup.
Warren Moon had a passer rating of 82.8 with 10,102 yards, 58 touchdowns and 42 interceptions in 39 games for the Vikings in his career.
Combining his NFL and CFL stats, Moon's numbers are nearly unmatched in professional football annals: 5,357 completions in 9,205 attempts for 70,553 yards and 435 touchdowns. Even if his Canadian Football League statistics are discounted, Moon's NFL career numbers are still exceptional: 3,988 completions for 49,325 yards, 291 touchdown passes, 1,736 yards rushing, and 22 rushing touchdowns.
Moon also held individual NFL lifetime records for most fumbles recovered (56) and most fumbles made (162), but this was surpassed by Brett Favre in 2010.
Moon was in the top five all-time when he retired for passing yards, passing touchdowns, pass attempts, and pass completions.
Accolades:

• NFL OPOY (1990)
• NFL Man of The Year (1989)
• 2nd Team All-Pro (1990)
• 9x Pro Bowl
• 2x NFL Passing Yards Leader (1990,1991)
• Bart Starr Award (1994)
• 5x Grey Cup Champion
• 2x Grey Cup MVP
• Pro Football Hall of Fame

Charity Work

In 1989, he launched the Crescent Moon Foundation, which provides college scholarships for economically disadvantaged students. Moon also supports various charitable organizations including the United Negro College Fund, Ronald McDonald House, Muscular Dystrophy Association, Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, American Heart Association, and Cerebral Palsy Foundation.

Top 6 Updates of the Week:
​

• Youtube launches a new ad format for short-form content, “Select Shorts”. (NS)
• TikTok’s Notes App is officially launched in multiple regions, including Canada & Australia. (MS)
• Meta AI gets integrated into Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp. (TW)
• X plans to charge an annual feee for all new accounts to fight bot sign-ups. (NS)
• Snap adds AI watermarks to increase transparency measures. (AI)
• LinkedIn is testing a new subscription plan for Company pages that provides AI tools to businesses & other features. (AT)

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Trending
​

• EU is looking to make Meta’s “Pay or Consent to tracking” model illegal with new legislation. (DF)
• Snapchat shares a new report about performance of brand campaigns. (CK)
• Frontline19’s Channel 4 continuity takeover highlights NHS Workers’ Mental Health Campaign. (BT)
• Pinterest hosted their first activation at Coachella. (NS)
• MKBHD’s review of Humane AI is causing a huge controversy. (TC)
• Stagwell acquires PROS Agency, Digital PR Leader in Brazil. (TC)
• Amazon introduces shoppable ad-supported channel to Prime Video and Frevee. (MD)
• Tesco Mobile launches new brand platform. (CM)
• Experimental: Papa Johns launches edible candle made out of its garlic sauce. (GE)
• Netflix added 9.33 Million customers in Q1, the success of password crackdown. (MW)
• John Deere is looking for Chief Tractor Officer to run TikTok Channel & Travel for $200k. (read)
• Joan Creative trolls Nike’s Women’s Olympics Team uniforms, the brand was also met with internet trolls on IG & TikTok. (US)
• The Cast of Office stars in AT&T Business’s new campaign ‘Dream with Rainn’. (WP)
• Discord finally launches chat polls. (US)
• Palantir is pitching ad agencies on its AI technology. (CL)
• Coca Cola twists its logo for Recycle Me Sustainability Campaign. (PR)
• Kraft Heinz rebrands Mio Liquid to utilise Gen Z wellness Trends. (MB)
• Jimmy Butler stars in Essentia’s latest ad campaign: Hold My Hydroboost. (D5)

TikTok 🎶
​

• TikTok is testing a way for news publishers to attach links to organic videos. (NS)
• TikTok ban bill passes through the US House of Representatives House again. (FG)
• TikTok shares new data about Canadian users on platform. (TG)
• TikTok is now rolling ‘Account Check’ feature for creators to check if they’re complying with Community Guidelines. (NS)
• TikTok and AXS announce Global Ticketing Partnership. (ST)
• CapCut now allows you to record your voice to use across different videos. (TB)

Instagram & Threads 🗂️
​

• Meta’s AI tool is now powered by Llama 3 model. (TR)
• Meta is testing DMs on Threads App. (FD)
• Instagram generates more ad revenue than YouTube. (RT)
• Threads to temporarily shut down in Türkiye. (TR)
• Instagram Stories added interactive Polaroid Frame for Coachella. (RO)
• Threads is now testing ‘Top’ and ‘Recent’ search filters. (TS)
• IG’s Brand Marketing Lead shares Lil Yachty’s Close Friends list campaign was organised by Meta. (LH)
• Instagram is testing ‘Creator AI’ program to turn the best influencers into AI versions. (AV)

Meta 😅
​

• Meta shares insights about lead generation ads. (AB)
• Meta releases Llama 3 claiming its the best in the market. (JL)
• Meta rumoured to launch ads on Threads later this year. (view)
• Facebook now allows you to pin ads in your ad account on desktop. (AG)
• Meta is rolling out automatic post removal tool for Group admins. (MN)
• WhatsApp launches new filters to find messages faster. (OB)

X (Twitter) 🕹️
​

• X is working on a swipe to response functionality. (ST)
• Hyundai pauses ads on X due to Ads displaying alongside harmful content. (LK)
• Elon Musk again polled about bringing Vine back. (GA)
• X got banned in Pakistan amid political tensions.. (EM)
• X Is having a webinar on 24th April about Advertising on platform. (NS)
• DoubleVerify apologies to X and advertisers for misreporting X’s brand-safety rates. (ST)
• X is offering new incentives to attract brands for Verified Organisation plans. (DL)
• X is now promoting creator subscriptions. (VW)

Youtube 🕹️
​

• YouTube gets strict with Ad blockers, announcing even more restrictions on third-party Apps violating their guidelines. (AP)
• Youtube testing ‘most relevant’ subscriptions feed and simplifies members-only shorts upload. (TB)

Google 🔦
​

• Adsense launched new Ad Intents format for Auto Ads. (SL)
• Google Demand Gen Ads introduces GenAI Image creation. (SJ)
• Google Search Console security update improves management of ownership tokens. (View)
• Google shares Ad Strength not used in Ad Rank. (CM)
• Google Ends Video Carousel Structured Data Test. (SJ)

Agency News
​

• Digitas launches Generative AI Platform. (AG)
• Psycho Bunny selects Astronomie as its media AOR. (PR%20after%20a%20competitive%20review.))
• Ogilvy appoints Rafael Rizuto as Chief Creative Officer. (LB)
• Anomaly London to handle Revoult’s EU advertising account. (ML)
• Red Brick Road Agency wins Skipton Building Society account. (CL)
• Former Walmart and Disney Creative Execs launch DANG Creative Consultancy. (CL)
• Red Antler purchases majority stake in Austin Agency Fat Earth. (GB)
• Leo Burnett hires Kimberley Gill and Bethany Manning as creative directors. (BM)
• University of Sydney appoints CHEP Media. (GB)
• HypeJar appoints ROAST and Kitty for Digital Services. (BL)
• Republic Airways names MKR as its agency of record. (LB)
• Alliance Pharma appoints UM Bristol as New Media Agency. (LB)
• Barclays UK appoints Born Social to run social media account. (TB)
• The Shipyard acquires Fahlgren Mortine, an integrated communication agency. (CP)
• The Out, luxury car rentals appoints Cream, Indie full service agency (PN)
• Hawke Media acquires Social Thrive, digital marketing agency. (AB)
• MoneyGram announces new Agency partners to lead creative, brand and media. (MC)

Brands & Ads 🏓
My Fav; Dove’s new pledge to never use AI in advertising and the message of highlighting real-beauty in new ad is chef’s kiss.
​

• Cheetos launches new campaign sharing most consumers eat Cheetos with their dominate hand. Do you? (MB)
• Beko’s insurance launches new fun ad spot about grandfather’s most prized possesion. (LB)
• Chili’s launches new espresso martini and ad campaign creative from MischiefUS. (MB)
• Heineken partnered with Bodega to launch ‘The Boring Phone’ targeting Gen-Z’s nostalgia love. (View)
• In new Ad spot, KFC South Africa tests how far will people go for the taste of KFC? (BC)
• ChildX launches new ad campaign raising awareness about Pedos using gaming avatars to groom children. (MN)
• McDonald’s back with new campaign & AR filter utilising the ‘Mmm’ brand word. (MD)
• Southwest Airlines launches new brand campaign ‘The Big Flex'. (MD)
• Rubicon’s latest ad campaign tries to fix London’s bad weather: Release the Sunshine. (FG)
• Toyota launches ‘Start Your Impossible’ Campaign ahead of Paris of 2024 Olympics. (MD)
• SiS, Nutrition brand launches its new platform: ‘You can’t beat science’ with stunning visuals. (BS)
• UPS’s new ad spot highlight diverse small businesses supporting each other. (LB)
• AMV BBDO and COPI launches new ‘Smear Campaign’ to call out illegal sewage dumping. (LB)
• Usain Bolt stars in the latest Persil ad campaign for the launch of Persil Wonder Wash . (BL)
• Hellmann hands out empty sandwich packages to raise awareness about saving sandwich ingredients for future. (LB)
• Apple’s new campaign in India asks consumers to Relax & Trust the product. (NT)

AI 🤨
​

• AnNahar launches the World’s first AI President in Lebanon. (HR)
• Impact Media launches Guaranteed Attention Suite. (AO)
• Amazon Music launches Maestro, AI playlist generator. (CF)
• Poe adds new feature that allows you to chat with multiple bots at the same time. (AW)
• Adobe plans to add AI tools like Sora in Premiere Pro. (MT)
• PubMatic partners with GroupM to launch First-of-its-kind AI generated Cohort modelling capability for Advertisers. (TC)
• Webflow acquires Intellimize to add AI-powered webpage personalisation. (OA)
• Nothing integrates ChatGPT in new earbuds. (SA)
• Slack rolls out its AI tools to all paying users. (EG)

Microsoft & LinkedIn
​

• Microsoft Research Asia unveils a new experimental Visual AI tool, VASA-1. (SF)
• LinkedIn shares a new infographic on best video content practices. (SL)

Marketing & AdTech
​

• Brave Browser launches AI search engine. (TB)
• Netflix announced new partnerships with Ad measurement providers: Kantar, Cint and NCSolutions. (HN)
• Twitch is rolling out their TikTok-style feed to everyone this month. (AD)
• LiveScore partners with Permutive to launch new Audience Data platform. (MB)
• P&G increased their ad spending by 14% but organic growth slows. (AT)
• WPP received 64% more complaints to its whistleblower helpline in 2023. (LB)
• GrowthLoop and TransUnion partner to improve advertising spend optimisation and audience reach. (LV)
• 6 leading agencies partner with Day of Wrk to run campaigns pushing demystification of creative job roles. (MB)
• Mozilla improves Firefox page load speed by 10%. (RT)
• Wix partners can now sell templates in Wix Marketplace. (AA)
• System1 wins more than 250 new clients in FY2024. (WA)
• Qualtrics appoints Gurdeep Singh Pall as President, AI Strategy. (MN)
• Specsavers launches a new Roblox Obstacle Course. (EG)
• The Sun and Daily Mail receive highest amount of monthly print and digital reach across the UK. (PR)
• ASA shares Green Food ads mislead consumers with eco ‘halo effect’. (MB)
• Forbes launches Annual Entrepreneurial CMO 50 list. (SG)

Top 6 Updates of the Week:
​

• Youtube launches a new ad format for short-form content, “Select Shorts”. (NS)
• TikTok’s Notes App is officially launched in multiple regions, including Canada & Australia. (MS)
• Meta AI gets integrated into Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp. (TW)
• X plans to charge an annual feee for all new accounts to fight bot sign-ups. (NS)
• Snap adds AI watermarks to increase transparency measures. (AI)
• LinkedIn is testing a new subscription plan for Company pages that provides AI tools to businesses & other features. (AT)

Trending
​

• EU is looking to make Meta’s “Pay or Consent to tracking” model illegal with new legislation. (DF)
• Snapchat shares a new report about performance of brand campaigns. (CK)
• Frontline19’s Channel 4 continuity takeover highlights NHS Workers’ Mental Health Campaign. (BT)
• Pinterest hosted their first activation at Coachella. (NS)
• MKBHD’s review of Humane AI is causing a huge controversy. (TC)
• Stagwell acquires PROS Agency, Digital PR Leader in Brazil. (TC)
• Amazon introduces shoppable ad-supported channel to Prime Video and Frevee. (MD)
• Tesco Mobile launches new brand platform. (CM)
• Experimental: Papa Johns launches edible candle made out of its garlic sauce. (GE)
• Netflix added 9.33 Million customers in Q1, the success of password crackdown. (MW)
• John Deere is looking for Chief Tractor Officer to run TikTok Channel & Travel for $200k. (read)
• Joan Creative trolls Nike’s Women’s Olympics Team uniforms, the brand was also met with internet trolls on IG & TikTok. (US)
• The Cast of Office stars in AT&T Business’s new campaign ‘Dream with Rainn’. (WP)
• Discord finally launches chat polls. (US)
• Palantir is pitching ad agencies on its AI technology. (CL)
• Coca Cola twists its logo for Recycle Me Sustainability Campaign. (PR)
• Kraft Heinz rebrands Mio Liquid to utilise Gen Z wellness Trends. (MB)
• Jimmy Butler stars in Essentia’s latest ad campaign: Hold My Hydroboost. (D5)

TikTok 🎶
​

• TikTok is testing a way for news publishers to attach links to organic videos. (NS)
• TikTok ban bill passes through the US House of Representatives House again. (FG)
• TikTok shares new data about Canadian users on platform. (TG)
• TikTok is now rolling ‘Account Check’ feature for creators to check if they’re complying with Community Guidelines. (NS)
• TikTok and AXS announce Global Ticketing Partnership. (ST)
• CapCut now allows you to record your voice to use across different videos. (TB)

Instagram & Threads 🗂️
​

• Meta’s AI tool is now powered by Llama 3 model. (TR)
• Meta is testing DMs on Threads App. (FD)
• Instagram generates more ad revenue than YouTube. (RT)
• Threads to temporarily shut down in Türkiye. (TR)
• Instagram Stories added interactive Polaroid Frame for Coachella. (RO)
• Threads is now testing ‘Top’ and ‘Recent’ search filters. (TS)
• IG’s Brand Marketing Lead shares Lil Yachty’s Close Friends list campaign was organised by Meta. (LH)
• Instagram is testing ‘Creator AI’ program to turn the best influencers into AI versions. (AV)

Meta 😅
​

• Meta shares insights about lead generation ads. (AB)
• Meta releases Llama 3 claiming its the best in the market. (JL)
• Meta rumoured to launch ads on Threads later this year. (view)
• Facebook now allows you to pin ads in your ad account on desktop. (AG)
• Meta is rolling out automatic post removal tool for Group admins. (MN)
• WhatsApp launches new filters to find messages faster. (OB)

X (Twitter) 🕹️
​

• X is working on a swipe to response functionality. (ST)
• Hyundai pauses ads on X due to Ads displaying alongside harmful content. (LK)
• Elon Musk again polled about bringing Vine back. (GA)
• X got banned in Pakistan amid political tensions.. (EM)
• X Is having a webinar on 24th April about Advertising on platform. (NS)
• DoubleVerify apologies to X and advertisers for misreporting X’s brand-safety rates. (ST)
• X is offering new incentives to attract brands for Verified Organisation plans. (DL)
• X is now promoting creator subscriptions. (VW)

Youtube 🕹️
​

• YouTube gets strict with Ad blockers, announcing even more restrictions on third-party Apps violating their guidelines. (AP)
• Youtube testing ‘most relevant’ subscriptions feed and simplifies members-only shorts upload. (TB)

Google 🔦
​

• Adsense launched new Ad Intents format for Auto Ads. (SL)
• Google Demand Gen Ads introduces GenAI Image creation. (SJ)
• Google Search Console security update improves management of ownership tokens. (View)
• Google shares Ad Strength not used in Ad Rank. (CM)
• Google Ends Video Carousel Structured Data Test. (SJ)

Agency News
​

• Digitas launches Generative AI Platform. (AG)
• Psycho Bunny selects Astronomie as its media AOR. (PR%20after%20a%20competitive%20review.))
• Ogilvy appoints Rafael Rizuto as Chief Creative Officer. (LB)
• Anomaly London to handle Revoult’s EU advertising account. (ML)
• Red Brick Road Agency wins Skipton Building Society account. (CL)
• Former Walmart and Disney Creative Execs launch DANG Creative Consultancy. (CL)
• Red Antler purchases majority stake in Austin Agency Fat Earth. (GB)
• Leo Burnett hires Kimberley Gill and Bethany Manning as creative directors. (BM)
• University of Sydney appoints CHEP Media. (GB)
• HypeJar appoints ROAST and Kitty for Digital Services. (BL)
• Republic Airways names MKR as its agency of record. (LB)
• Alliance Pharma appoints UM Bristol as New Media Agency. (LB)
• Barclays UK appoints Born Social to run social media account. (TB)
• The Shipyard acquires Fahlgren Mortine, an integrated communication agency. (CP)
• The Out, luxury car rentals appoints Cream, Indie full service agency (PN)
• Hawke Media acquires Social Thrive, digital marketing agency. (AB)
• MoneyGram announces new Agency partners to lead creative, brand and media. (MC)

Brands & Ads 🏓
My Fav; Dove’s new pledge to never use AI in advertising and the message of highlighting real-beauty in new ad is chef’s kiss.
​

• Cheetos launches new campaign sharing most consumers eat Cheetos with their dominate hand. Do you? (MB)
• Beko’s insurance launches new fun ad spot about grandfather’s most prized possesion. (LB)
• Chili’s launches new espresso martini and ad campaign creative from MischiefUS. (MB)
• Heineken partnered with Bodega to launch ‘The Boring Phone’ targeting Gen-Z’s nostalgia love. (View)
• In new Ad spot, KFC South Africa tests how far will people go for the taste of KFC? (BC)
• ChildX launches new ad campaign raising awareness about Pedos using gaming avatars to groom children. (MN)
• McDonald’s back with new campaign & AR filter utilising the ‘Mmm’ brand word. (MD)
• Southwest Airlines launches new brand campaign ‘The Big Flex'. (MD)
• Rubicon’s latest ad campaign tries to fix London’s bad weather: Release the Sunshine. (FG)
• Toyota launches ‘Start Your Impossible’ Campaign ahead of Paris of 2024 Olympics. (MD)
• SiS, Nutrition brand launches its new platform: ‘You can’t beat science’ with stunning visuals. (BS)
• UPS’s new ad spot highlight diverse small businesses supporting each other. (LB)
• AMV BBDO and COPI launches new ‘Smear Campaign’ to call out illegal sewage dumping. (LB)
• Usain Bolt stars in the latest Persil ad campaign for the launch of Persil Wonder Wash . (BL)
• Hellmann hands out empty sandwich packages to raise awareness about saving sandwich ingredients for future. (LB)
• Apple’s new campaign in India asks consumers to Relax & Trust the product. (NT)

AI 🤨
​

• AnNahar launches the World’s first AI President in Lebanon. (HR)
• Impact Media launches Guaranteed Attention Suite. (AO)
• Amazon Music launches Maestro, AI playlist generator. (CF)
• Poe adds new feature that allows you to chat with multiple bots at the same time. (AW)
• Adobe plans to add AI tools like Sora in Premiere Pro. (MT)
• PubMatic partners with GroupM to launch First-of-its-kind AI generated Cohort modelling capability for Advertisers. (TC)
• Webflow acquires Intellimize to add AI-powered webpage personalisation. (OA)
• Nothing integrates ChatGPT in new earbuds. (SA)
• Slack rolls out its AI tools to all paying users. (EG)

Microsoft & LinkedIn
​

• Microsoft Research Asia unveils a new experimental Visual AI tool, VASA-1. (SF)
• LinkedIn shares a new infographic on best video content practices. (SL)

Marketing & AdTech
​

• Brave Browser launches AI search engine. (TB)
• Netflix announced new partnerships with Ad measurement providers: Kantar, Cint and NCSolutions. (HN)
• Twitch is rolling out their TikTok-style feed to everyone this month. (AD)
• LiveScore partners with Permutive to launch new Audience Data platform. (MB)
• P&G increased their ad spending by 14% but organic growth slows. (AT)
• WPP received 64% more complaints to its whistleblower helpline in 2023. (LB)
• GrowthLoop and TransUnion partner to improve advertising spend optimisation and audience reach. (LV)
• 6 leading agencies partner with Day of Wrk to run campaigns pushing demystification of creative job roles. (MB)
• Mozilla improves Firefox page load speed by 10%. (RT)
• Wix partners can now sell templates in Wix Marketplace. (AA)
• System1 wins more than 250 new clients in FY2024. (WA)
• Qualtrics appoints Gurdeep Singh Pall as President, AI Strategy. (MN)
• Specsavers launches a new Roblox Obstacle Course. (EG)
• The Sun and Daily Mail receive highest amount of monthly print and digital reach across the UK. (PR)
• ASA shares Green Food ads mislead consumers with eco ‘halo effect’. (MB)
• Forbes launches Annual Entrepreneurial CMO 50 list. (SG)

I hope this helps you to plan your week ahead.

I split all splitable titles
​ *Disney hd unless marked* ​

• 101 Dalmatians (MA/gp)
• 101 dalmatians patchs London adventure (ma)
• A Wrinkle In Time (4k iTunes)
• Aladdin animated (hd gp/MA, iTunes 4k)
• Aladdin 2 prince of theives (MA, gp)
• Aladdin 3 return of Jafar (ma/gp)
• Aladdin live action (gp,4k iTunes)
• Alexander and the terrible horrible day (GP, MA)
• Alice through the looking glass (gp, ma)
• Antman (gp/ma hd, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Antman & the wasp (gp hd, MA hd, 4k iTunes) (gp/ma)
• antman quantumania (MA HD)
• Avengers 1 (gp, MA 4k)
• Avengers age of ultron (gp hd, iTunes 4k, MA 4k)
• Avengers infinity war (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, MA 4k)
• Avengers endgame (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, MA 4k)
• Bambi (ma/gp)
• Bambi 2 MA
• Beauty and the beast animated (gp/MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Beauty & the beast Live action (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• The BFG (ma/gp)
• Big hero 6 (HD gp hd MA, iTunes 4k)
• Black Panther (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, MA 4k)
• black panther Wakanda forever (4k MA, gp HD)
• Black widow (MA hd, gp HD,, 4k ma)
• Brave (4k MA, gp hd)
• Bridge of Spies (MA)
• Call of the wild (gp hd, MA hd, 4k MA)
• captain America the first avenger (4k MA, gp hd)
• Captain America Civil War (HD MA/gp, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Captain America winter soldier (hd gp/MA, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Captain Marvel (HD gp/MA, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Cars (gp/ma, itunes 4k)
• Cars 3 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Celebrating mickey (gp, MA)
• Cinderella Live Action (HD MA, 4k iTunes)
• Coco (gp/MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• cruella (gp, MA HD, 4k MA)
• Disney Nature Monkey Kingdom (Full)
• Disney Nature Born in China gp
• Disney Shorts Collection 2015(MA/gp)
• Doctor Strange (HD gp/MA, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Dr strange 2 multiverse of madness (gp, MA)
• dumbo classic (hd gp, ma)
• Dumbo 2019 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• eternals (MA, gp,, 4k ma)
• Fantasia (gp MA)
• Fantasia 2000 (gpor MA)
• Finding nemo (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Finding Dory (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• the finest hours (gp, MA)
• Fox and the hound 2 (MA)
• free guy (HD MA, gp HD, 4k MA)
• Frozen (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Frozen 2 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes,, 4k MA)
• eternals (MA hd, gp hd)
• the good dinosaur (gp, MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Guardians of the Galaxy 1 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, 4k MA)
• Guardians of the galaxy 2 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes,, 4k MA)
• Hercules 1997 (gp, MA)
• Hocus Pocus (gp, MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the hunchback of Notre dame (ma)
• the hunchback of Notre Dame 2 (gp, MA)
• The Incredibles (GP/MA hd, itunes 4k)
• The Incredibles 2 (gp/ma hd, itunes/MA 4k)
• Inside out (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Into The Woods (gp, MA)
• iron Man (hd gp,, MA 4k)
• Iron man 2 (gp HD,, MA 4k)
• Iron man 3 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes,, 4k MA)
• Jungle book 2016 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Jungle Book animated (gp, ma)
• Jungle book 2 (MA/gp)
• Lady and the Tramp (GP, MA)
• Lady and the tramp 2 (gp, MA)
• The light between oceans (gp)
• lightyear (MA/gp)
• Lion King animated (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Lion King 2019 (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• The Little Mermaid (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• the lone ranger (gp, MA)
• macfarland USA (gp hd, MA hd)
• Maleficent (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Maleficent 2 (HD gp, 4k MA)
• Mary Poppins (gp, MA hd)
• Mary poppins returns (gp, MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Moana (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Monsters inc (gp)
• Monsters University (gp/MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Mulan animated (MA, gp)
• Mulan 2020 (gp, MA)
• Muppets most wanted (MA, gp)
• the new mutants (gp, MA)
• nightmare before Xmas (gp)
• the night house (MA, gp)
• Nutcracker four realms (HD gp/MA, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Onward (gp, MA hd, MA 4k)
• Oz great &powerful (gp, ma)
• Peter pan (MA, gp)
• Peter Pan 2 return to neverland (GP, MA)
• Pete's Dragon (ma/gp)
• the Pirate Fairy (ma/gp)
• Pirates of the Carribean dead men tell no tales (GP)
• Planes (ma/gp)
• pocahontas (MA, gp)
• Pocahontas 2 (gp, MA)
• queen of katwe (MA, gp)
• Ralph breaks the internet (gp/MA hd, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Raya and the last dragon (CA gp. Us gp, MA hd)
• Robin Hood (gp hd, ma hd)
• Ron's gone wrong (MA hd, gp hd)
• The Santa clause (gp)
• the Santa clause 3 (gp)
• Saving Mr Banks (ma/gp)
• Shang chi (gp, MA hd, MA 4k)
• Sleeping Beauty (MA, gp)
• Snow White (ma/gp)
• Spiderman Homecoming (4k ma)
• Spies in Disguise (gp, MA)
• Soul (4k MA, hd gp)
• Star Wars: A new hope (gp)
• Star Wars: Force Awakens (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes)
• Star Wars:Last Jedi (HD gp/MA, 4k MA, 4k iTunes)
• Star wars: rise of Skywalker (iTunes 4k, hd ma/gp, 4k MA)
• Star Wars: Rogue One (HD gp/MA, 4k ma, 4k iTunes)
• Star Wars: Solo (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, MA 4k)
• Super Buddies (MA)
• The Sword in the stone (gp/MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Tangled (gp HD, MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Tarzan special edition (ma HD, gp)
• three musketeers mickey Donald and goofy (MA, gp)
• tinkerbell legend of the never beast (MA, gp)
• thor (4k MA, gp HD)
• Thor the dark world (gp hd, MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Thor Ragnarock (gp/MA hd, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Thor love and thunder (gp, MA)
• tomorrowland (gp, MA)
• Toy Story 3 (HD GP/MA, 4k MA, itunes 4k)
• Toy Story 4 (gp, MA hd, 4k MA, iTunes 4k)
• Toy Story of terror (MA, gp)
• Wall-E (gp)
• west side Story (MA hd, gp hd, MA 4k)
• willow (HD ma, gp)
• Winnie the pooh springtime with Roo (gp)
• a wrinkle in time (4k MA, gp HD)
• Zootopia (HD gp/MA, 4k iTunes, 4k MA)

​ *hd unless marked* ​

• back to the future 4k MA 1 code
• Bond Daniel Craig collection hd vudu 4 movies
• bond Daniel Craig 4 movies collection 4k vudu
• bond Dr no, from Russia with love, goldfiner (vudu)
• bond Roger Moore vol 1 vudu
• bond Roger Moore vol 2 vudu
• fast & furious 8 movie set (MA)
• Friday the 13th 1 - 4 (vudu)
• John Wick 1 & 2 single code (vudu, gp)
• magnificent seven 4pack ('60, '66, '69, '72)(vudu)
• predator 1-3 hd set (MA)
• Sony pass
• Spiderman homecoming/far from home double feature (ma)
• xmen trilogy (first class, days of future past, apocalypse) hd MA

​ *HD unless marked* ​

• 2 guns (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• 3 from hell (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• 8 mile (iTunes 4k)
• 10 Cloverfield lane (4k vudu, hd vudu, iTunes 4k)
• 12 rounds 3 lock down (vudu)
• 12 strong (MA)
• 12 years a slave (ma)
• 13 Hours ( iTunes 4k, HD vudu)
• 1917 (MA hd, MA 4k)
• 21 Jump Street (MA)
• 22 jump street (MA)
• 24 hours to live (vudu)
• 31 (vudu)
• 40 year old virgin unrated (MA)
• 47 meters down (vudu)
• 47 meters down uncaged (vud, iTunes)
• 47 ronin (hd MA, iTunes 4k)
• The 5th wave (MA)
• 80 for Brady (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• A Quiet Place (iTunes 4k, vudu hd, vudu 4k)
• a quiet place 2 (4k vudu, 4k iTunes)
• abominable (4k ma)
• About Time (MA, iTunes)
• Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter(MA)
• Ad Astra (MA 4k)
• the Adams family 2020 (4k iTunes)
• The adjustment bureau (iTunes)
• Adore (vudu, itunes)
• After Earth (MA)
• Age of adeline (vudu, iTunes)
• Air Strike (vudu)
• Alex Cross (vudu, iTunes)
• alien (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• aliens (MA HD, 4k iTunes)
• aliens 3 (MA)
• alien resurrection (ma)
• Alien V Predator requiem (SD ITUNES)
• Alien Covenant (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Alita battle angel (MA hd, ma 4k)
• All Eyez on me (Vudu hd, itunes hd)
• Allegiant (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Allied (iTunes 4k, vudu hd, vudu 4k)
• almost Christmas (MA)
• almost famous (4k vudu, iTunes)
• Aloha (MA HD, SD)
• Alpha (MA)
• Alvin &the Chipmunks: The Road Trip (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Amazing spiderman (MA)
• amazing Spiderman 2 (MA hd, 4k MA )
• ambulance (MA)
• American Assassin (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• American gangster extended (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• American girl Isabelle dances into the spotlight (MA, iTunes)
• American hustle (MA)
• American made (MA)
• American pie unrated (MA, iTunes)
• American reunion unrated (MA, iTunes)
• American Ultra (Vudu, iTunes)
• Anchorman 2 ( vudu, iTunes)
• and so it goes (MA)
• angel has fallen (4kvudu, 4k iTunes)
• angry birds movie (MA)
• Anna (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Anna karenina (iTunes)
• Annihilation ( iTunes 4k, vudu hd, vudu 4k)
• animal house (MA hd 4k iTunes)
• anomalisa (vudu, iTunes)
• Antebellum (hd vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Apocalypse now 4k vudu, 4k iTunes, HD vudu
• a quiet place (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Arrival (HD vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Arthur Christmas (ma)
• the artist (ma)
• the art of racing in the rain (MA)
• as above so below (iTunes)
• Assassins Creed (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• assassination nation (MA)
• Atomic Blonde (vudu/MA HD, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• avengers confidential black widow & punisher (MA)
• August Osage County (vudu)
• bad boys 1 (MA)
• bad boys 2 (ma)
• bad boys for life (4k MA, HD MA)
• baby driver (MA hd, MA 4k)
• Bad Grandpa (vudu, iTunes)
• Bad Moms (iTunes, MA)
• Bad words (MA, itunes)
• back to the future trilogy hd (MA, individual codes iTunes 4k, 4k MA)
• the bank job (vudu)
• barbe great puppy adventure(MA)
• Barbie in the pink shoes (ma)
• Barbie in princess power (MA)
• the batman ( 4k MA)
• battle Los Angeles & lockout (ma)
• battle of the sexes (MA, iTunes 4k)
• Battleship (ma HD, 4k ma, iTunes 4k)
• Battlestar Galactica blood and chrome unrated (iTunes us, UK code)
• beautiful day in the neighborhood (HD MA)
• begin again (vudu)
• Ben Hur (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Best Man Holiday (vudu, MA)
• the big lebowski (MA HD, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• The Big Short (iTunes, vudu)
• the big sick (vudu, iTunes)
• The big wedding (vudu, itunes)
• the birds (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• birdman (MA)
• black Adam(ma)
• black and blue (HD MA)
• blackhat (MA, iTunes)
• Blackkklansman (MA)
• the black phone (MA)
• Blair witch (iTunes)
• the Blair witch project (vudu hd, iTunes)
• bleed for this (MA)
• blindspotting (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• the bling ring (vudu)
• the blues brothers (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Bohemian Rhapsody (MA hd, MA 4k)
• book club (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the book of life (MA)
• booksmart (MA)
• book club (HD vudu, 4k iTunes)
• the book thief (MA)
• the boss unrated (iTunes)
• Boss Baby (MA)
• boss baby 2 movie collection (MA)
• Bourne 5 movie collection (MA HD)
• Bourne Identity (ma hd, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Bourne Legacy (4k MA, hd MA, 4k iTunes
• Bourne Supremacy ( MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Bourne Ultimatum (ma 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the boy (MA, iTunes)
• the boy next door (iTunes)
• Boyhood (vudu, itunes, Canada gp)
• Bram Stokers Dracula (MA)
• braven vudu
• Braveheart (4k vudu, iTunes 4k, hd vudu)
• the breakfast club (MA, itunes)
• breaking in unrated (MA)
• Bride of Frankenstein (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Bridesmaids (iTunes)
• Bridget Jones Diary (itunes, gp, vudu)
• Brooklyn (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• bullet train (MA)
• Bumblebee (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• bye bye man (itunes)
• Cabin in the woods (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the call(MA)
• Call me by your name (MA)
• Captain Phillips (MA)
• Captain Underpants (MA)
• carlitos way (MA)
• Carrie 2013 (vudu)
• casino royale (vudu, gp)
• cats (MA)
• cell 2016 (vudu)
• chaos (vudu)
• chappie(MA)
• charade (MA, iTunes)
• chasing mavericks (ma)
• chef (itunes)
• Childs Play 2019 (vudu, itunes)
• the choice (vudu)
• Christine (MA)
• chronicle (MA)
• chronicles of Riddick directors cut (MA, iTunes hd)
• clerks 3 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Clifford (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2 (MA)
• Clueless (vudu, iTunes)
• coal miners daughter (HD MA, iTunes)
• Cold Pusuit (vudu hd iTunes 4k)
• the collection (vudu)
• Colombiana unrated (MA)
• the commuter (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• contraband (iTunes)
• Coming to America (hd vudu, 4k iTunes)
• Cooties (vudu hd will send first in case sd)
• Countdown (iTunes 4k)
• Courageous (MA)
• Cowboys & aliens (iTunes ->MA)
• Crawl (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• creature from the black lagoon (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Criminal (vudu)
• Crimson Peak (iTunes)
• The Croods (MA)
• Crouching tiger hidden dragon (MA)
• The Crow (vudu)
• a cure for wellness (MA)
• the da Vinci code (MA)
• Daddys home (vudu hd, itunes 4k)
• Daddy's Home 2 (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Dallas buyers club ( iTunes)
• Daniel Craig 4 bond movies (vudu)
• Daniel Craig 5 bond movies (4k vudu)
• Danny Collins (iTunes)
• darkest hour (MA)
• the darkest minds (MA)
• The dark tower (MA HD, 4k)
• Dark Skies (vudu)
• date night (MA)
• dawn of the dead unsure if unrated, Theatrical (iTunes)
• Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• The Day After Tomorrow (ma)
• dead in tombstone unrated (MA, iTunes)
• Deadpool (HD MA, 4k iTunes)
• Deadpool 2 (hd /4k MA )
• death race beyond anarchy unrated (MA)
• death wish (vudu)
• Deepwater horizon (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Den of thieves (itunes)
• Despicable me (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Despicable me 2 (MA hd, itunes 4k)
• Despicable me 3 (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the devil inside (vudu)
• The Devil wears Prada (ma)
• diary of a wimpy kid dog days (MA)
• Die Hard 1 (MA)
• Die Hard 3 (MA)
• Die Hard 4 (MA)
• Die Hard 5 (foxredeem)
• the dilemma (MA)
• dirty dancing 30th anniversary (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Dirty Grandpa (Itunes 4k)
• Divergent (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Django Unchained (vudu)
• a dogs journey (MA)
• a dog's purpose (MA, iTunes)
• a dogs way home (MA)
• dolittle (MA)
• doom unrated (MA)
• don't be afraid of the dark (ma)
• don't breathe (MA)
• Dora and the lost city of gold (vduu hd iTunes 4k)
• Downsizing (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• downton abbey (MA)
• downton abbey a new era (HD ma)
• Dragonslayer (4k vudu, 4k iTunes)
• dreamgirls (vudu)
• Dracula 1931 (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Dracula Untold (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Draft Day ( vudu, iTunes)
• Dragged across concrete (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• dragon blade should be HD (vudu)
• dragon heart battle for the heartfire (MA, iTunes)
• dream house (iTunes)
• dredd (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Drive (MA)
• Dr suess how the grinch stole Christmas (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• The Duff (vudu, iTunes)
• dumb and dumber to (iTunes)
• dumb money (ma)
• Dungeons & dragons (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the edge of seventeen (MA, iTunes)
• Edward Scissorhands (ma)
• Elysium (MA)
• elysium & district 9 (ma)
• Endless Love
• Ender's game (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• end of watch (iTunes)
• enough said (MA)
• Epic (MA)
• equilibrium (vudu)
• The equalizer (MA)
• the equalizer 2 (MA)
• the equalizer 3 (4k MA)
• Erin brockovich (MA)
• escape from planet earth (vudu)
• Escape plan (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• escape room (ma)
• E. T. (ITUNES 4k, MA HD, MA 4k)
• everest (HD MA, 4k iTunes)
• Evil Dead 2013 (MA)
• Evil Dead 2 (vudu)
• evil dead rise (MA)
• Ex Machina (vudu hd, 4k)
• the exorcist believer (4k MA)
• expendables 2 (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• expendables 3 (4k vudu, HD vudu, iTunes4k)
• Expendables 3 unrated (iTunes)
• expendables 4 (4k vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Ex machina (vudu)
• extraction (vudu)
• face off (vudu)
• fall (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Fantastic 4 2017 (hd ma, 4k itunes)
• fast & furious 8 movie collection (MA)
• fast & furious 9 movie collection (MA)
• Fast & furious 1 (HD, 4k ma, itunes 4k
• Fast & furious 2 (HD, 4k MA, itunes 4k)
• Fast & furious 3 (HD ma, itunes 4k)
• Fast & furious 4 (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Fast & furious 5 (ma, iTunes)
• Fast & furious 6 (HD ma, itunes 4k, 4k MA)
• Fast & furious 7 extended (HD vudu, itunes 4k)
• Fast & furious 8 (HD vudu, iTunes 4k, 4k MA)
• fast & furious 8 directors cut (MA)
• fast & furious 9 f9 theatrical and ext (MA)
• fast & furious Hobbs and shaw (MA hd, MA 4k)
• fast times at Ridgemont high (iTunes)
• father stu (sd MA)
• the fault in our stars (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• The Favourite (ma)
• fear and loathing in Las Vegas (iTunes)
• fences (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• ferris beullers day off (vudu, iTunes)
• field of dreams (iTunes 4k)
• Fifty Shades of Grey unrated ( MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Fifty Shades Darker unrated, rated (MA hd, ITunes 4k)
• Fifty Shades Freed (ma)
• The Fighter (vudu, iTunes)
• fighting with my family (iTunes 4k)
• first man (4k MA)
• five feet apart (iTunes 4k, vudu hd)
• The Five Year Engagement (iTunes)
• the flash (ma)
• flatliners (MA)
• Flight (vudu, Tunes)
• Footloose (vudu, iTunes)
• Ford v ferrari (HD MA)
• the forest (iTunes)
• the forever purge (MA)
• Forrest Gump (vudu HD, itunes 4k)
• Foxcatcher (MA)
• fury (MA hd, 4k MA)
• Free Fire (Vudu)
• Free Guy (gp, MA, 4k ma)
• free state of Jones (iTunes)
• the French dispatch (ma, gp)
• Fried Green Tomatoes (itunes)
• Fright Night 2 unrated (ma)
• frozen ground (vudu)
• the Fugitive (4k ma)
• G. I. Joe retaliation (vudu hd iTunes 4k)
• the gambler (vudu, iTunes)
• gangs of new york (vudu, iTunes)
• Garfield (MA)
• Gemini Man (vudu 4k, vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Get on up (itunes)
• Get Out (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• ghost in the shell 2017 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Ghostbusters (MA)
• Ghostbusters 1&2 (MA)
• Ghostbusters 2 (HD MA)
• Ghostbusters afterlife (MA
• Ghostbusters answer the call theatrical + ext. (MA)
• Ghostrider spirit of vengeance (MA)
• ghost team one (vudu, iTunes)
• the gift (iTunes)
• Gifted (MA)
• the girl on the train (MA hd, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the girl with the dragon tattoo (MA)
• Girls Trip (vudu, iTunes)
• glass (MA)
• the godfather (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the godfather 2 (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the godfather 3 (vudu hd, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Gods Not Dead a light in darkness (ma)
• God's Not Dead 2 (vudu, iTunes)
• gods of Egypt (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Godzilla Mechagodzilla 2 & Godzilla VS Space Godzilla (MA)
• gone baby gone (vudu)
• Gone Girl (UK gp, MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Goodbye Christopher Robin (hd ma, itunes 4k)
• good boys (MA)
• goosebumps 2015 (MA)
• goosebumps 2 (MA)
• gran turismo (4k MA)
• the grand Budapest hotel (MA)
• the great wall (MA HD, 4k itunes)
• the green knight (vudu)
• greenbook (MA)
• the greatest showman (MA)
• Gretel and Hansel (vudu)
• the Grey (ma, itunes)
• the grinch 2018 (MA)
• grown ups 2 (ma)
• Grudge Match (MA)
• the guilt trip (vudu, iTunes)
• the gunman (MA, iTunes)
• hacksaw Ridge (vudu hd, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Hail, Caesar (MA, iTunes)
• Halloween 2018 (MA)
• Halloween kills extended (MA HD)
• Halloween the curse of Michael Myers producers cut (vudu)
• hands of stone (vudu)
• Hanna (iTunes)
• Hansel & Gretel unrated (vudu, iTunes)
• Happy Feet 2 (MA)
• hardcore Henry (MA, iTunes)
• Harriet (MA)
• the hate u give (MA)
• the hateful eight (vudu/gp)
• a haunted house (iTunes)
• the haunting in Connecticut ghosts of Georgia (vudu)
• Heat definitive edition (4k MA, HD MA, iTunes 4k)
• the heat (MA)
• Heaven is for Real (MA)
• hell, high water (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Hellboy 2004 (4k ma)
• hellboy 2 (itunes 4k)
• Hellboy 2019(4k vudu, iTunes 4k, HD vudu)
• hellraiser judgment (vudu)
• Hercules (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• hereditary (vudu)
• Hidden figures (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• the high plains drifter (MA)
• Hitchcock (MA)
• hit man agent 4k (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the hitmans bodyguard (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the hitmans wife's bodyguard(vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Hobbs and shaw (MA)
• Holiday Inn (ma)
• Home Alone (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• home alone 2 (MA, iTunes)
• Homefront (MA, iTunes)
• the homesman (vudu)
• Hop (vudu, iTunes)
• hopesprings (ma)
• hostiles (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Hot tub time machine (SD Itunes)
• hot fuzz (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• hotel Mumbai (MA)
• Hotel Transylvania (MA hd, sd)
• hotel transylvania 2 (ma)
• hotel transylvania 3 (MA)
• the house with a clock in its walls (MA)
• how the grinch stole Christmas 2000 (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• How to train your dragon 2 (MA)
• how to train your dragon 3 (MAhd, ma 4k)
• Hugo (vudu, iTunes)
• The Hunger Games (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Hunger games catching fire (vudu/iTunes 4k)
• The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay Part 1 (vudu/iTunes 4k)
• The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 2 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• hunter killer (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k, HD vudu)
• Huntsman Winters War (MA hd, iTunes/MA 4k)
• hustlers (4k iTunes)
• I can only imaging (vudu, itunes)
• I feel pretty (iTunes)
• I, Frankenstein (vudu, iTunes)
• ice age collection (4 movies)
• Ice Age (MA, iTunes)
• Ice Age Continental Drift (MA)
• ice age dawn of the dinosaurs (MA)
• ice age the great eggscapade (MA)
• ice age mammoth Christmas special (MA)
• Identity Thief (itunes)
• the imitation game (vudu)
• the impossible (vudu)
• in a valley of violence (MA, iTunes)
• Independence Day resurgence (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Indiana Jones crystal skull (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Indiana Jones and hre dial of destiny (HD MA)
• Indiana Jones last crusade (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Indiana Jones Temple of doom (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Indiana Jones Raiders of the lost ark (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Inferno (MA)
• infinite (HD vudu, 4k iTunes)
• inside Llewyn Davis (MA)
• insidious 3 (MA)
• Insidious the last key (MA hd, sd)
• Instant family (vudu hd of iTunes 4k)
• instructions not included (ma)
• Insurgent (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• the internship (ma)
• Interstellar (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the interview (MA)
• the intruder (MA)
• The Invisible Man (ma)
• Isle of dogs (MA)
• it comes at night (vudu)
• it follows (vudu USA, gp Canada)
• it's a wonderful life (vudu 4k, vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• J. Edgar (MA)
• jack and Jill (ma)
• jack reacher (HD vudu, iTunes 4k)
• jack reacher 2 (HD vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Jack Ryan Shadow Recruit (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Jackal (itunes)
• Jackie (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• jacobs ladder (vudu)
• jarhead 2 (iTunes)
• Jason Bourne (ma hd, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Jaws (hd MA, 4k MA, iTunes 4k, UK gp)
• Jaws 2, 3, 4 (1 code ma)
• Jay and silent bob reboot (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• the jerk (iTunes)
• Jessebelle (vudu)
• Jesse Stone 4 Film Collection sd? vudu
• jigsaw (vudu HD, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• John Wick 1 & 2 single code (vudu, gp)
• John wick (vudu hd, 4k, iTunes 4k )
• John Wick 2 (vudu hd, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• John wick 3 (gp hd, vudu 4k/itunes 4k)
• Jojo Rabbit (ma)
• joy (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Judy (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• jumanji (MA)
• Jumanji welcome to the jungle (MA hd, MA 4k)
• jumanji the next level (MA HD)
• jurassic world 6 film collection (MA hd, MA 4k)
• jurassic park/world 5 film collection (MA hd)
• Jurassic Park (MA HD/MA 4k/iTunes 4k)
• Jurassic Park the lost world (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Jurassic Park 3 (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Jurassic World (MA HD, iTunes 4k )
• Jurassic world fallen kingdom (MA hd/MA 4k)
• jurassic world dominion theatrical/extended (4k MA)
• justice (MA)
• kick ass 2 (MA, iTunes)
• kill Bill volume 2 (vudu)
• kill the messenger (iTunes)
• Killing them Softly (vudu)
• Kin (hd vudu, 4k iTunes)
• the king and I (MA, iTunes)
• the king of Staten Island (MA)
• King Kong 2005 ( MA HD, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Kingsglaive Final Fantasy xv (MA)
• Kingsman The Golden circle (MA HD, 4k iTunes)
• Kingsman The Secret Service (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• knight and day (MA)
• knights of the zodiac) MA)
• Knives out (4k vudu, iTunes 4k, vudu hd)
• Knock Knock (vudu)
• krampus (iTunes)
• kubo and the two strings (iTunes)
• Kung fu panda 3 (MA)
• La LA land (vudu 4k/hd, iTunes 4k)
• labor day (HD vudu, iTunes)
• labyrinth HD MA, 4k MA)
• lady bird (vudu)
• the land before time (iTunes)
• Lara croft tomb raider (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Lara croft tomb raider cradle of life ( iTunes 4k)
• the last dragon (HD MA)
• last stand (vudu, iTunes)
• Last Vegas (MA)
• last witch hunter (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Lawrence of arabia (MA)
• the legend of Hercules (hd vudu, iTunes 4k)
• legion of the super heroes DC animated (MA)
• leon the professional theatrical & ext (MA)
• leprechaun 7 movie set (vudu)
• Les Miserables (MA, iTunes 4k)
• let's be cops (HD MA, iTunes 4k)
• let's be cops, the sitter, me myself and irene, super troopers one code. (HD MA)
• Life (MA)
• Life of pi (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the lighthouse (vudu)
• The Lincoln lawyer (iTunes SD, iTunes 4k from fanflix)
• Little Rascals Save The Day (ma, itunes)
• little women 2019 (MA)
• Lockout Unrated (MA)
• lock stock and two smoking barrels (MA, iTunes)
• Logan (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Logan lucky (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• London Has fallen (vudu, iTunes)
• Lone Survivor (vudu, itunes 4k)
• The Longest Ride (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• the longest week (vudu)
• The Lorax full length movie (ma, itunes )
• Long Shot (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• looper (MA hd, MA 4k)
• the lost city (vudu HD, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Love actually (MA, iTunes)
• love and mercy (vudu)
• Love and Monsters **4K vudu, itunes)
• love, Simon (MA)
• Lucy (MA 4k, HD, iTunes 4k)
• The Lucky One
• Ma (hd Ma)
• machete kills (iTunes)
• Madagascar 2 (ma)
• Madagascar 3 (MA, itunes)
• Magnificent seven remake (vudu hd, vudu 4k)
• magnificent seven 4pack ('60, '66, '69, '72)(vudu)
• Mama (itunes)
• Mamma Mia 2 movie collection (MA)
• mamma Mia 2 here we go again (MA HD, 4k MA)
• Manchester by the sea (itunes, ma hd)
• Mandela long walk to freedom (vudu)
• A Man named otto (SD MA)
• man with the iron fists (iTunes)
• marauders (vudu)
• the marksman (MA)
• the Martian extended (HD MA)
• The Martian (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Master And Commander (MA)
• maze runner 1 & 2 (ma)
• Maze Runner (ma hd, iTunes 4k)
• maze runner scorch trials (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Maze runner the death cure (MA HD)
• me earl and the dying girl (HD MA, 4k iTunes)
• mechanic resurrection (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Me3an Megan extended and Theatrical (HD MA)
• The Meg 2 (HD MA)
• megan Unrated/theatrical (MA)
• Megan leavey (iTunes)
• men in black 1 (MA)
• Men in black 3 (MA)
• men in black international (MA)
• the menu (ma)
• Middle school the worst years of my life (iTunes)
• midsommar (vudu)
• midway (itunes 4k, vudu 4k, vudu hd, gp hd )
• Mike and Dave need wedding dates (MA)
• mile 22 (itunes)
• Million ways to die in the west unrated (itunes)
• Minions (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• minions rise of gru (hd MA)
• missing (hd MA)
• missing link (MA)
• Mission Imp 1 (vudu hd/ iTunes 4k)
• Mission Imp 2 (vudu hd/iTunes 4k)
• Mission Imp 3 (vudu hd/ iTunes 4k)
• Mission Imp 4 Ghost Protocol (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Mission Imp 5 rogue nation (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Mission Imp 6 fallout (vudu HD, 4k , iTunes 4k)
• Miss Peregrines (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• moms night out (MA)
• Moneyball (MA)
• monster high 13 wishes (ituens)
• Monster trucks iTunes 4k
• Monty python holy grail (vudu)
• Monty python meaning of life (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• The Monuments Men (MA hd, sd)
• moon (Canadian code)
• moonfall (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• moonlight (vudu)
• Moonrise kingdom (MA, iTunes)
• Morgan (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• mortal engines (MA)
• Mortal Instruments city of bones (MA)
• A Most Wanted Man (vudu)
• mother (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• mother's day (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the Mountain between us (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Mr. Holmes (vudu)
• Mr Peabody & Sherman (MA)
• much ado about nothing (vudu)
• Mud (vudu)
• the mule (MA)
• the mummy Trilogy (ma)
• the mummy 2017 (4k iTunes, HD MA)
• Murder on the orient express (MA)
• My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (iTunes)
• my cousin Rachel (ma)
• my life as a zucchini (iTunes)
• Nebraska (vudu, iTunes)
• Neighbors (iTunes, vudu)
• nerve (vudu, iTunes)
• news of the world (MA HD, 4k)
• night at the museum 1 (MA)
• night at the museum battle of the Smithsonian (MA)
• night at the museum secret of the tomb (MA hd, 4k iTunes)
• nightcrawler (iTunes)
• night hunter (vudu HD, iTunes)
• night school unrated (MA)
• Noah (vudu, iTunes)
• no Country for old men (vudu)
• no time to die (iTunes 4k)
• nobody (ma)
• Nobody's fool (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• nocturnal animals (iTunes)
• non-stop (MAor iTunes)
• Norm of the North (vudu, iTunes)
• No Strings Attached (itunes/ vudu)
• No Time To Die James Bond (4k itunes)
• nottting hill (iTunes)
• now you see me 1&2 (vudu)
• Now You See Me (vudu, iTunes)
• Now you see me 2 (vudu hd, 4k)
• the nut job (itunes)
• Oblivion (4k iTunes,, hd MA)
• office christmas party (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Olympus has fallen (MA)
• Once upon a time in Hollywood (CA gp, MA hd, MA 4k)
• Operation Finale (itunes)
• the other woman (ma)
• ouija (HD MA, 4k iTunes)
• ouija origin of evil (itunes)
• overlord (vudu 4K , vudu hd, iTunes 4K)
• Pain & Gain (vudu, iTunes)
• Paranormal activity (vudu, iTunes)
• Paranormal activity 2 (vudu, iTunes)
• paranormal activity 3 (vudu, iTunes)
• paranormal activity 4 (vudu, iTunes)
• paranormal activity marked ones (itunes)
• Paranormal Activity Ghost Dimention (vudu, iTunes)
• Paranormal Activity Next Of Kin (vudu, ituens)
• Paranormal Activity unknown dimension (vudu, itunes)
• paranorman (iTunes)
• Parasite (MA)
• parental guidance (MA)
• Passengers (MA hd, MA 4k)
• Patriots day (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Paul (itunes)
• the peanut butter falcon (vudu, iTunes)
• The peanuts movie (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• penguins (ma)
• peppermint (iTunes)
• Percy Jackson sea of monsters (MA)
• The perfect guy (MA)
• Perks of being a wallflower (vudu, iTunes)
• Pet Semetary 1989 (vudu)
• pet sematary 2019 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• philomena (vudu)
• THe Pirates Band of Misfits (HD MA)
• pitch black unrated directors cut (MA, iTunes)
• pitch perfect (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Pitch Perfect 2 (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• pixels (MA)
• planes trains & automobiles (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• poltergeist 2016 extended (MA, iTunes)
• Pompeii (ma)
• popstar (itunes)
• The possession (iTunes)
• the possession of Hannah grace (MA)
• the post (MA)
• Power Rangers ( vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the predator 4 film collection 4k (MA)
• predator 1, 2, 3 (MA)
• predator 1987 (4k MA)
• Predator 2018 (MA)
• Premium Rush (MA)
• pretty in pink (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• pride and prejudice and zombies (MA HD)
• **the princess bride (iTunes 4k)
• Project almanac (vuduor iTunes)
• Prometheus (hdMA, 4k iTunes)
• Promised land (itunes)
• promising young woman (ma)
• Psycho (MA 4k, MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• pulp fiction (vudu, gp)
• the Punisher (vudu)
• The Purge (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• The Purge Anarchy (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• The purge election year (iTunes 4k, MA hd)
• puss in boots last wish (MA)
• The Pyramid (HD MA)
• quantum of solace James bond (vudu)
• a quiet place (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• A Quiet place 2 (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the raid theatrical and extended (MA)
• the raid 2 (MA)
• Rambo 5 film collection (vudu)
• Rambo first blood (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Rambo last blood (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Rango (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Ray (ma hd, itunes hd)
• reality bites (iTunes)
• Rear window (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Red 2 (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• red dawn (hd vudu)
• red sparrow (MA)
• Redemption (vudu)
• renfield (ma)
• reservoir dogs (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• resident evil final chapter (4k MA)
• resident evil retribution (MA hd, sd)
• The revenant (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Riddick directors cut (MA, iTunes)
• ride along (MA, iTunes)
• Ride Along 2 (MA, iTunes)
• Rings (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• rio (MA)
• Rio 2 (MA)
• riot (MA)
• R.I.P.D. (MA, iTunes 4k)
• Rise of the guardians (MA, iTunes)
• rise of the planet of the Apes (MA hd, itunes 4k)
• risen (MA)
• Robin hood 2018 (vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Robocop 2014 (vudu, gp)
• robots (MA)
• Rocky Horror Picture Show (MA)
• Rocketman (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• Rogue (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Room (vudu)
• rules don't apply (MA)
• Rush (MA, iTunes)
• the rhythm section (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Saban's power rangers (vudu HD, 4k, iTunes 4k)
• sabotage (iTunes)
• Safe (vudu, iTunes)
• Safe house (MA, itunes)
• saige paints the sky American girl (MA)
• Sausage Party (MA hd, sd)
• savages unrated (iTunes)
• Saving Private Ryan (hd vudu, 4k iTunes)
• Saw (4k vudu, itunes 4k)
• Saw 7 movie collection (vudu)
• scarface (MA HD, 4k iTunes)
• Scary stories to tell in the dark (vudu 4k, HD, iTunes 4k)
• Schindlers list (iTunes 4k, MA hd)
• scorpion king 3 (MA, iTunes)
• Scott pilgrim vs the world (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• scouts guide to the zombie apocalypse (HD vudu, 4k iTunes)
• scream 1996 (vudu hd, gp options, iTunes 4k)
• scream 2022 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• scream 6 (vudu 4k, iTunES)
• the second best exotic marigold hotel (MA)
• secret garden (4k iTunes)
• Secret Life Of Pets (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Secret life of Walter Mitty (MA)
• seeking a friend for the end of the world (iTunes)
• See No Evil 2 (vudu)
• selfless (iTunes)
• Selma (vudu)
• serenity 2005 (Canada?, US MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the sessions (MA)
• seventh son (iTunes)
• seven psychopaths (ma)
• sex tape (MA)
• The Shallows (MA)
• The shape of water (MA)
• Shaun of the dead (iTunes 4k, MA hd)
• She's the man (vudu, iTunes)
• Sherlock Gnomes ( iTunes 4k)
• The Shack (iTunes)
• Shrek 4 movies (1, 2, the third, forever)
• Sicario (vudu hd, vudu 4k, 4k itunes)
• sicario day of the soldado (MA)
• side effects (iTunes)
• the signal (iTunes)
• silent hill revelation (iTunes)
• Silent House (itunes)
• Silver linings playbook (vudu)
• sing 1&2 (MA)
• Sing (iTunes 4k, hd MA)
• Sinister ( vudu, iTunes)
• sisters unrated (ma, itunes)
• sixteen candles (MA hd, iTunes hd)
• the skeleton twins (vudu)
• Skyfall (vudu/Gp)
• skyscraper (4k MA, HD ma)
• Slap Shot (itunes)
• sleepless (iTunes)
• Slenderman (SD MA)
• Smokey and the bandit (MA)
• snake eyes gi Joe origins (4k vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Snowhite and the Huntsman (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Smurfs 2 (MA)
• Smurfs 3 the lost village (MA)
• snatch (4k MA)
• Snitch (vudu hd, itunes 4k)
• snow white and the huntsman (MA, iTunes 4k)
• some kind of wonderful (vudu, iTunes)
• song of the sea (iTunes)
• Sonic (4k iTunes, vudu 4k, vudu hd)
• Sonic 2 (hd vudu, 4k itunes)
• sorry to bother you (ma)
• the sound of music (MA)
• South Pacific(MA)
• Southpaw (vudu)
• Spartacus (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• Spectre (hd vudu, itunes 4k)
• Speed (4k ma)
• Spiderman raimi trilogy (MA)
• Spiderman 1 (MA)
• Spiderman 2 theatrical & extd (MA)
• Spiderman homecoming/far from home single code (ma)
• spider an across the spiderverse (4k MA)
• Spiderman into the spiderverse (MA hd, MA 4k)
• Spiderman far from home (MA HD, 4k)
• Spiderman Homecoming (MA hd, 4k MA)
• Spiderman no way home (MA hd, 4k MA)
• Split ( MA hd, MA 4k, iTunes 4k)
• SpongeBob SquarePants movie (vudu, iTunes)
• spongebob movie sponge out of water (iTunes HD, vudu HD)
• spotlight (iTunes)
• spring breakers (vudu)
• spy unrated (MA)
• The Spy who Dumped Me (vudu hd, itunes 4k)
• St. Vincent (vudu)
• The stand up guys (vudu
• Star Trek (itunes 4k, vudu hd (might redeem 4k but unsure))
• Star trek into darkness (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Star Trek beyond (vudu hd, vudu 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the sting (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• stoker (ma)
• straight outta Compton directors cut (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Suburbicon (iTunes 4k)
• Super 8 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• super Mario brothers movie (ma)
• super troopers (MA)
• super troopers 2 (MA)
• taken trilogy (MA)
• Taken 2 (MA)
• taken 3 unrated (MA)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Texas chainsaw 2013 (iTunes)
• Ted 1 & 2 unrated (MA)
• Ted unrated (MA, iTunes)
• Ted 2 unrated (MA, iTunes)
• terminator (vudu)
• Terminator 2 (4k iTunes, 4k vudu)
• terminator dark fate (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• terminator genesis (vudu 4k, vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Texas chainsaw 2013 (vudu, iTunes)
• that's my boy (MA)
• the theory of everything (iTunes)
• the thing 2011 (MA, iTunes)
• this is 40 (MA, iTunes)
• this is the end (MA)
• three billboards outside ebbing Missouri (MA)
• tin tin (vudu, itunes)
• titanic (vudu hd, 4k vudu, iTunes 4k)
• to kill a mocking bird (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• top five(iTunes)
• top gun (vudu 4k vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• top gun maverick (vudu HD, vudu/iTunes 4k)
• Total Recall old (4k vudu, vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• total recall 2012 theatrical & extended (MA)
• Tower heist (itunes)
• Trainwreck (itunes)
• Transformers (iTunes 4k)
• Transformers 2 (vudu HD)
• Transformers 3 (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Transformers 4 age of extinction (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• Transformers the last knight (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• transformers rise of the beasts (4k vudu, 4k iTunes)
• Transporter 3 (vudu)
• triple 9 (iTunes)
• Trolls (MA)
• trolls band together (4k MA)
• Tron Legacy (SD ITUNES)
• True Grit (vudu, iTunes)
• the trust (vudu)
• TUlly (HD MA)
• turbo (MA)
• Twilight (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• twilight new moon (vudu)
• twilight eclipse (vudu)
• Twilight breaking dawn part 2 (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Tyler perry's a madea Christmas (vudu)
• ugly dolls(iTunes 4k)
• umma (MA)
• the unbearable weight of massive talent (vudu HD, iTunes 4k)
• Unbroken (MA, iTunes)
• uncharted (MA)
• Uncut Gems (vudu)
• Under The Skin (vudu)
• Underworld awakening (MA hd, sd)
• underworld blood wars(MA hd, 4k us, UK)
• unfriended(MA, iTunes)
• unplanned(movie spree)
• the untouchables (4k vudu, iTunes)
• upgrade (MA)
• Us (MA 4k, MA hd)
• valerian and the city of 1000 planets (vudu)
• van helsing (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• the vanishing (vudu)
• venom (MA 4k/hd)
• venom let there be carnage(MA)
• Vertigo (ma hd, iTunes 4k)
• the visit ( iTunes)
• War for the planet of the Apes (MA HD, iTunes 4k)
• War Room (MA)
• warcraft (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• Warm bodies (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the watch (MA)
• the way way back (MA)
• there's something about Mary (MA)
• weird science (MA and iTunes)
• welcome to marwen (MA)
• werewolf beasts among us unrated (MA)
• where the crawdads sing (MA)
• whiplash (MA)
• whiskey tango foxtrot (iTunes)
• Whitehouse down (MA)
• the whole truth (vudu)
• Why Him? (ma hd, iTunes 4k)
• Widows (4k MA)
• the wild life (vudu)
• Winchester (vudu, ituens)
• wish I was here (iTunes)
• the witch (vudu)
• the wolf man (old) (MA hd, ma 4k, iTunes 4k)
• the wolf of Wallstreet (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• the wolverine (MA)
• the woman in black (MA)
• the woman king (4k MA)
• wonder (vudu hd, iTunes 4k)
• The World's End (4k iTunes)
• World War z (vudu, iTunes 4k)
• Xmen apocalypse (MA hd, 4k iTunes)
• xmen (MA)
• x2 (MA)
• xmen first class (MA hd, itunes 4k)
• xmen the last stand (MA)
• Xmen trilogy xmen, x2, the last stand (MA)
• Xmen trilogy (First Class, days of future past, apocalypse) (MA HD)
• xmen dark Phoenix (MA HD)
• Xmen days of future past (MA hd, iTunes 4k)
• xmen origins wolverine (MA)
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I’m not a thrill seeker. I spend most of my free time in a secluded comfort zone - usually in bed with my girlfriend. Having someone to love and hold is the only thing that doesn’t make me feel cold anymore. I am grateful for it, truly, I am. Sleep has never been so good for me and I can’t imagine it ever will be if I lose this.
Yet, there is no escaping some things. Not for me anyway.
There are nights I wake up and remember it so clearly that I think, just for a moment, I returned to that place beneath the ice. I can imagine the concrete ground, the thin walls, and the cold steel beams. I can hear the straining ceiling and the distant ruptures.
I can only really make sense if I start at the beginning.
Four years ago, I went to the North Pole with a friend of mine, whom we will call Jake. Jake was the thrill seeker. He had the personality, not so much the funds, to pursue the next big thrill. Whenever he had enough cash to fund his latest impulse, he would spend it. It was no surprise to me, or anyone who knew him, that his relationships were often short-lived.
He was attracted to the same kind of people, but impulsive people rarely hold onto their values. He was cheated on many times, and before you feel sorry for him, he cheated on women many times. Eventually, it reached a point where his friends could be counted on one hand. Against my better judgment, I was one of those friends.
He called me up one day to tell me about this big opportunity to see polar bears in Northern Canada. I was interested. Spending all my life in England, I never went further in this world than Scotland, which turned out to be as equally miserable as the city I was living in. I had free days I wanted to take advantage of and my life just felt like it was going nowhere - in short, I was feeling weak and impulsive.
It didn’t take much convincing for me to bite the bullet. Jake screwed up most of his life, but at least he had some good photos to show for it. I needed something like that to look back on, even if it filled me with regret.
“Screw it,” I said as I facetimed him. “Let’s go see some polar bears.”
“Hell yeah,” Jake said. “We leave tomorrow.”
“What? I need to get tickets!”
“All covered. A guy I met will fly us there, only a small stop in Greenland, then we will bounce to Canada. Or skip, whatever. Pack warm, but pack light.”
“Oh, shit, I think I have some clean clothes…when will you pick me up?”
“About two in the morning,” Jakse said as if that didn’t make my heart drop already. “Plane leaves at three-thirty, so, yeah.”
*
Taking the cheap, easy route isn’t always legal. The less said about the flight arrangements the better. I just trusted the fact that nobody would check our passports when we arrived, and luckily, they didn’t. I guess if you know people, there are a lot of things that are never checked or recorded.
One thing I knew for sure, I would be going back the usual way. The plane we were in was like a small mail plane. Just boxes of envelopes, and hard cases. It was also cold. No proper insulation, no proper seats. We spent our flight shaking in blankets that Jake’s friend gave us.
Once off the plane, we were guided through the small airport until we made it into the town itself. Free and ready to find transport to our first destination. I let Jake guide me the whole way and I will say this much, he knew how to make it look like it was all planned.
We found a nice place to stay, we saw the polar bears, and we saw beautiful mountains and forests. I guess I never really knew anything about Canada. I just imagined cold, gray cities with cold, gray people.
“Nah, that’s Eastern Europe,” he told me. “Canada is great. Good food, friendly people, beautiful country…if you go to the right places.”
“Speaking of which,” I said as I looked through the photos I took at the polar bear reserve. “Where to after this? I have two more free days until I have to go back to work.”
“Hmm, can’t you call in sick after that? There’s still time to warm up in Mexico, mi amigo.”
“Jake, por favor, no more sketchy flights. Let’s just make the most of tomorrow, then let’s head home, okay?”
“There’s nothing really in range, you know? I mean, we could try ice-fishing in this cabin my old girlfriend has. Ah, better still, we can rent some snowboards, go to the-”
“I will take the ice-fishing, thank you.”
*
It was chaos. Not being locals, we didn’t pay attention to warning signs, or the news. We rented a truck with these chains wrapped around the tires and started our journey towards the cabin. The weather was ballistic, and visibility was low. The whole time I was worrying if we would ever make it back to the town we left, let alone the cabin.
Jake tried to stay upbeat about it, but it was clear he was worried as well.
We turned off real roads onto a dirt path through the forest, but that too was getting covered in thick snow. We listened to the radio, mostly country rock which would only be played in lousy bars. It did little to ease my nerves. I just kept refreshing the news portion on my phone, hoping a connection would get through.
“We should be there soon,” Jake said with a smile, turning the truck just in time to avoid a tree. “I recognize this area.”
“So do I,” I muttered. “I’ve been seeing snow-covered forest for the past twenty minutes.”
My words must have started it. Light sarcasm to break the Karma camel’s back. The truck continued for a few more seconds then there was this sudden, lurching drop. The side of the trick I was on dipped noticeably, then rose before it ground to a halt. I looked at Jake and he looked at me.
I sat back as he tried to get the truck to keep going, but it was beached on something and the ground was too slippery. It needed all four wheels on the ground and the back left tire. We both got out of the truck, the sheer wind cutting through our jackets as we walked to the back and examined the large rock. It was jagged, its point pressing against the frame, but not by much.
“Just need a little lift and it will get off,” I said.
“A careful lift,” Jake clarified. “I didn’t pay the insurance.”
“Why do you care? You didn’t show them any ID and paid in cash.”
“I actually did show them my ID…it was necessary, you know?”
Jake looked at me nervously. My face felt that much colder.
“What happened to not leaving a paper trail?” I questioned him.
There wasn’t any time to shout at him. We had to get the truck off the rock. Luckily, the rental place didn’t just give us chain-bound tires, which seemed to be clumped up with snow, but they also had a tool kit in the back of the truck. I took the largest piece of metal, a pry bar, and wedged it between the rock and truck frame.
With as much patience as I could muster, I told Jake to pump the accelerator a little, so the truck didn’t roll back. Being squashed by the red behemoth was the last thing I wanted.
So, that’s what we did. Being as strong as I was, I lifted the truck just enough that the two front wheels were able to pull the truck forward. The weight slipped off the pry bar so suddenly that I almost fell forward. The truck dropped, the frame hit the tip of the rock but bounced forward.
Out of sheer fear, I stumbled back, the brutal crunch of that metal on rock made my heart jump. I saw the truck on all four tires as I stumbled back. I think I even heard Jake’s whooping over the roar of the storm. As my ass hit the ground, I felt an emptiness to my right. I tried to place my hand there, thinking there was ground to keep me steady, but all I did was shirt my weight the wrong way.
I fell into darkness. I heard the whistle of wind above me, but also the rush around my ears as I fell. I heard the clattering of metal. The pry bar fell with me. A dull thunk. My leg hit something, causing me to twist. Then I hit the ground. All of this happened in the space of a few seconds, each second I was in such shock I didn’t react.
And then I couldn’t.
*
I woke up to a shooting pain in my right leg that seemed to run up my side as well. My head didn’t feel sore, but it wasn’t easy getting up either. It felt like my insides were just one fragile piece of pasta, waiting for that pressure to make it all snap. Yet, I willed myself to sit up and look around, as well as remind myself to breathe.
With that first painful inhale, my teeth ached and my tongue was dry. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw I was in a tunnel. The walls and ceiling curved into each other, making this half-moon shape against the flat concerted ground. Steel struts added to the support, and separated the rooms that diverged away from the tunnel I was in.
I saw lights far ahead, a glowing speck in the distance. I instinctively reached for my pocket to get my cell phone to use the flashlight, but that was nowhere to be found, I recalled leaving it in the truck to charge.
I sat there for a moment, energy fast returning, but all of it focused on my growing panic.
I had fallen. I could see the hole in the roof above, but I couldn’t see the surface. Water droplets dripped onto and around me. In a hoarse voice, I called up but received no response. I couldn’t even hear the blizzard. What I did hear was creaking and cracking.
The panic told me to stand up. My foot bumped the pry bar that fell with me. I picked it up and started walking towards the distant light. The whole tunnel seemed to make those unsettling noises, but otherwise, it was silent. My footsteps were the only accompaniment. My eyes searched the darkness for something as I walked, my logic-bound mind seeking something that could help me - like a phone.
When I couldn’t see one, I started inventing reasons for the tunnel I was in. Old subway? It didn’t look like one. Part of the infrastructure, like a sewer or electrical thing? No, that was crazy - it looked too good for either of those. Old war bunker? I doubt the Canadians built something so large during the war.
After who knows how many minutes, I heard something collapse and it shook the tunnel. Looking back, I could make out concrete falling, and steel struts snapping and buckling, right where I sat. The tunnel was struggling and losing. Section-by-section, it was caving in towards me. I wasn’t slow to start. I ran for my life.
I don’t know how movies could get the sensation so wrong. You don’t have time to scream and run. You could only do one effectively, and obviously, it was the latter. I ran until I reached the light, the collapse only increasing in speed, catching up to me. I tried to turn the corner sharply, but I only ended up slipping.
My head bounced off the ground and fear pushed me to my feet again as I ran down a lit tunnel. The collapse reached the corner, but that’s where it stopped. When the ground no longer shook, when that rumble faded, I looked back to see the wave of dust settle. The way back was gone.
I was standing in a new section of the tunnel, which was much more like a maze of hospital hallways. The fact the lights were on made me hopeful, but not as much as a green exit sign hanging from the ceiling in one hallway.
Sweating, I took off my huge puffy jacket and folded it under my arm. With the pry bar in my other hand, I started my fast walk towards the way out.
*
I drank from a water cooler. The dust and cobwebs that covered it told me how long the place had been abandoned, yet the lights told me that it still had power. Did those who built the place forget about it? Or was there some long-lasting backup power system?
I passed by several empty offices, labs, and even surgery rooms, with weird observation rooms above them. I know now that it’s common for students and even family members to observe a surgery, but I was thinking of something else at that moment.
And when I say these rooms were empty, I mean it. A desk, a few shelves, some tables and hospital bed frames, and no mattresses, were all that filled the space.
There is only one exception - the rooms I couldn’t get into. There were these keycard-protected doors, with some heavy-duty bars braced against them. Bolts kept those doors together, not screws. On everyone was a gas mask symbol. Air-tight chambers for different kinds of experiments, I guess.
While I searched, I continued to hear the groan of the pressure above. At least it sounded much more stable, so I didn’t have to worry about a mountain falling on top of me.
My only concern was how long it took me to reach the exit. I kept following the signs. I wasn’t going in circles - the rooms to my sides were different.
I tried to not let my imagination play tricks on me. Like making sounds that weren’t there, or that I saw people, maybe even a head, staring at me from around a distant corner. That seemed to happen a lot more than I care to admit.
What settled my thoughts was an obstacle.
A door with chains, but not on my side. I could see through a narrow window the heavy chains that kept the handle in place, the massive lock that was used. I opened the door as much as I could - it was just enough to fit my pry bar.
I looked around. The sound of the metal echoed, but I didn’t see anything. The hallway to my left - empty. The hallway to the right - empty. The hallway I came from had a single flickering light and a few of those rooms I couldn’t open, but it was empty too. I dug the pry bar and tried to find a good position to use it. I made the mistake of trying some sort of levering to snap a chain, but what worked was twisting it into a tight position first, then prying at a single link.
It still took a while and I worked up a sweat, but the link broke. Gravity pulled the chains down with a clatter. I pulled the door open and stepped into a stairwell. I was at the top. The exit sign was pointing down.
“No,” I remembered the word escaping my lips. That was the first thing that didn’t make sense to me.
Why would the exit be deeper into the facility? I didn’t think about it for too long. It was still the only way I could see, so I took it. I started my journey down the steps. I passed several keycard-protected doors on my way down, nothing that I could open. With each one I saw, I was afraid that the exit would be behind another keycard-protected door.
My descent was gradual enough that I could let those worries slip to the back of my mind. I would say it was close to fifty levels below where I started when the lights turned off.
I didn’t notice the hum of the facility until it stopped. In darkness, I had to use the glow-in-the-dark strips on the ground and walls to keep me from stumbling. I could still see the keycard-protected doors, their card reader screens still running on some kind of backup power, because they were lit even then.
I was approaching one when I saw the screen shift for a brief second to a green tone, before going black. Before power ran out completely, a mechanical sound could be heard and there was the sound of the seal around the door being broken. The door shifted open slightly as the seal broke but went no further.
My heart was pounding. The door appeared so much darker, the yellow gas mask symbol looking a lot more threatening.
I became painfully aware of how loud my steps were when I heard something shift beyond the door. My mouth was open, my breath halted right at the start of my throat. I didn’t want to be found, I didn’t want to be heard. I didn’t feel alone anymore. My jacket made a sound I didn’t like, so I put it down, abandoning it completely. While I was kneeling, I also took off my shoes and continued forward in socks. I held my shoes in my left hand, while my right hand held the pry bar like a club.
I passed by several more doors, some regular, but locked. I didn’t reach the bottom before I found a door with a green exit sign above it, the words themselves glowing in the dark. I looked through the vertical window and saw a glimmer of light. I reached for the handle and pulled it open - no locks.
I stepped into a subway system, although a lot smaller. There was no mistaking what I was looking at - a train, a tunnel, and even the crappy tiles that covered most subway walls and pillars.
The train sat there, empty, with the doors open, but its lights were on.
I breathed a sigh.
Click.
It was the smallest sound. The sound of a door being pushed just a little before the frame stopped it. I turned around to look at the door, more specifically, the window in the middle of the door. A face pressed against the glass, too dark to identify even with the lights from the train. Yet, I could see its eyes, and those eyes told me that it wasn’t human.
Reflective, like that of some kind of predator. Those eyes were so glossy, yet murky, they reminded me of a fish's eyes. I took one step back, my breathing halted by shock now. I whined as I coughed to breathe. My body never struggled that much to function since I was a kid.
It got a lot worse when the creature hit the door. It wanted to get through. I count myself as one of the luckiest guys in history and the door was one of those push-pull doors. The sound of its strikes grew louder, encouraging me to move faster as I ran towards the train.
Once inside, I saw that the seats and everything were bare minimum. Public transport looked better than what I was standing in. I ignored the fact it reminded me of the plane I shivered in to get to Canada and just ran towards the controls at the front.
The driver's seat was a basic metal chair, with a set of flick-button controls, levers, and a number system I didn't understand. I played with the dial and the number changed, counting up and down, the lowest being five and the highest being fifty-five.
I was panicking, my hand dancing above the controls, not sure what to do. I heard something breaking. I don’t know if it was the door or the frame it was attached to. I just knew that whatever was beyond it was out.
I saw a button with the door symbols. I pushed it and watched the train doors shut. The soft sound of the rubber seals meeting was comforting, but not the sound of fleshy thumps hitting the doors.
I turned back to the controls, scanning them again, then noticing a paper stuck to the wall. It was an information stick, mostly torn and rubbed away. I saw rows and scratched out names and numbers. Only one remained - a set of numbers saying forty-five. It was all I had, so I trusted my life to it.
I played with the dial until the number said forty-five.
I then started pulling levers and pushing buttons. I found more buttons on the side of the panel as well. I was cautious about some, but the sound of glass breaking pushed me to take a chance on them.
The train hummed to life and then lurched forward. When I turned around, I saw the door closest to me shaking, being slowly pried open. I dropped my shoes and approached it with my pry bar. Hands curled around the inside of the sliding doors, if they could be called hands. It was like a pair of talons, two dark, bone-like hooks for fingers.
With the realization that I was going to die if I didn’t do something, I lifted the pry bar and started beating on the claws. I heard a scream, bird-like, it reminded me of an eagle. It was being drowned out by the sound of the train’s grinding wheels. The train sounded like it was struggling.
I didn’t have time to address it. The door opened a little wider and an entire arm thrust inside and reached for me. One of the claws scratched the back of my hand. It was trying to grab for me and hitting it with the pry bar didn’t work. I shifted the position in my hand and brought the jagged part down towards its forearm.
The metal wasn’t razor sharp, but still sharp enough to break the scaled skin of the creature. The screeching scream was much louder and it withdrew its arm. I turned back to the controls, trying to make sense of why the train wasn’t going any faster. I then noticed a lever that wasn’t all the way up. Pushing it, I realized it was the brake lever and the train sped up. I heard thumps all along the train going towards the back, and small screams all the way.
I tried catching my breath. The only sounds I heard were that of the train charging onward. I looked back at the controls and saw that small metal slides shifted into place, locking levers and hiding buttons. A digital screen above the dial lit up with the words, “DESTINATION SET.”
I sat down on the ground and everything hit me at once. I yelled to let it all out until I was left with small cries that bubbled up with my breathing. I just felt tiny. I was tired, hungry, and sore. Those small cries were my only relief.
*
It was a long train ride - a few days. I found a trash box at the end of the train, which contained mostly little, but I found a couple of bottles that still had water and stale soda in them - one orange soda bottle that was half-full.
It tasted awful, it made me feel a little sick, but I was desperate.
I tried stopping, but it was impossible. I would break the controls before I got them to do what I wanted. I could wait and hope that I was still alive when it stopped. When it finally did, I didn’t dare touch any other controls than the one that opened the doors. I stepped out and saw what appeared to be the same station I left days before.
I approached a push-pull door, pushing it open, and saw a set of stairs. I climbed the stairs, not seeing any sealed doors. I kept going to the top, following a dark hallway until I came to a set of doors locked with chains. I used the pry bar, the end of which was stained with a black gunk, to break a link.
More hallways, more doors, and a feeling of dread settling in my stomach. I then breathed what had to be fresh air. I had climbed another set of stairs, then a ladder, finally opening some kind of trap door that was left ajar. My hands touched sand, dry grass, and rocks - but mostly sand.
I climbed out into an open desert, the night sky practically shining compared to the dark I had to trudge through. I saw a distant car driving away - a road. I walked towards it. I walked and walked until I was following the road.
*
I woke up in the bed I sleep in now.
A woman, a brother, and her mother found me on the side of the road. A true, honest, loving family that nursed me to health and I didn’t understand a word they said. They spoke Spanish. I was in Mexico. The train took me to Mexico. No wonder it took so many days.
And here I have remained for the past four years. I learned the language, mostly from the woman who found me. We grew close. Close enough to make me want to stay instead of returning home, then so close that I never wanted to leave.
I contacted Jake and told him I was still alive. He visited me to make sure it was me. Technically, I shouldn’t be here, but I shouldn't have been in Canada, the Arctic, or that underground facility either.
I am happy here. I’m happier than I was in dreary England, although I do sometimes miss it.
I’m leaving this experience with you. Maybe with it out there, someone else can take it off of me. Maybe just talking about it like this will be enough to help me escape those nightmares.

https://t.me/Screwdatt
https://trustiptv.biz/
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
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Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
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​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 05 : 2024 UAlbany vs Providence start:2024-04-18 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 05 : 2024 Ridgewood (MS) vs Glen Rock (MS) start:2024-04-19 01:45:00 stop:2024-04-19 05:45:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 05 : 2024 Olympic Trials Watch Party start:2024-04-19 17:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 21:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 05 : 2024 Villanova vs DePaul start:2024-04-19 21:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 05 : 2024 Season Opener at Marshalltown Speedway start:2024-04-20 01:45:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:45:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 06 : 2024 Revelstoke Grizzlies vs Saanich Predators start:2024-04-18 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 06 : 2024 Tulsa Oilers vs Kansas City Mavericks start:2024-04-19 02:05:00 stop:2024-04-19 06:05:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 06 : 2024 UIL Region 1-4A and Region 1-5A start:2024-04-19 17:30:00 stop:2024-04-19 21:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 06 : 2024 William & Mary vs Charleston start:2024-04-19 22:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 02:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 06 : 2024 Kansas City Mavericks vs Tulsa Oilers start:2024-04-20 02:05:00 stop:2024-04-20 06:05:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 07 : 2024 Mount St. Vincent vs Drew start:2024-04-18 21:30:00 stop:2024-04-19 01:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 07 : 2024 Ridge Meadows Flames vs Kimberley Dynamiters start:2024-04-19 03:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 07:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 07 : 2024 AI Owens Classic start:2024-04-19 18:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 22:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 07 : 2024 Davenport vs UW-Parkside start:2024-04-19 22:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 02:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 07 : OWA State Championships 2024 start:2024-04-20 03:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 07:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 08 : 2024 Catholic vs Goucher - Tennis start:2024-04-18 21:30:00 stop:2024-04-19 01:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 08 : 2024 MPSF Semifinal - Highest-Seeded QF Winners start:2024-04-19 04:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 08:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 08 : 2024 Towson vs Stony Brook start:2024-04-19 20:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 00:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 08 : 2024 Idaho Freestyle & Greco State Championships start:2024-04-20 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 09 : 2024 Scranton vs Wilkes - Doubleheader start:2024-04-18 22:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 02:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 09 : 2024 Campbell vs Hofstra start:2024-04-19 20:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 00:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 09 : 2024 Maine Mariners vs Adirondack Thunder start:2024-04-20 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 10 : 2024 Davenport vs UW-Parkside - Doubleheader start:2024-04-18 22:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 02:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 10 : 2024 UNC Wilmington vs Northeastern start:2024-04-19 20:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 00:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 10 : 2024 Norfolk Admirals vs Trois-Rivières start:2024-04-20 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:00:00
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 11 : 2024 Highlands Black vs Marauders (Squirt) start:2024-04-19 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 04:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 11 : 2024 Towson vs Monmouth start:2024-04-19 20:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 00:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 11 : 2024 Wheeling Nailers vs Indy Fuel start:2024-04-20 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 12 : 2024 USA Cheer STUNT National Championship (NAIA/Club) start:2024-04-19 00:30:00 stop:2024-04-19 04:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 12 : 2024 UConn vs Seton Hall start:2024-04-19 20:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 00:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 12 : 2024 Trenton Golden Hawks vs Collingwood Blues start:2024-04-20 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 13 : 2024 Florida Everblades vs Jacksonville Icemen start:2024-04-19 01:00:00 stop:2024-04-19 05:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 13 : 2024 Grand Valley State vs Wayne State (MI) start:2024-04-19 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 13 : 2024 Spring Nationals at Ponderosa Speedway start:2024-04-20 01:15:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:15:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 14 : 2024 Creighton vs Butler start:2024-04-19 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 14 : 2024 Kalamazoo Wings vs Toledo Walleye start:2024-04-20 01:15:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:15:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 15 : 2024 Creighton vs Villanova start:2024-04-19 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 15 : 2024 Generals White (Varsity) vs Shamrocks start:2024-04-20 01:15:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:15:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 16 : 2024 Utah Freestyle/Greco State start:2024-04-19 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 16 : 2024 Smiths Falls Bears vs Navan Grads start:2024-04-20 01:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 17 : 2024 Ridge Meadows Flames vs Revelstoke Grizzlies start:2024-04-19 21:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 01:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 17 : 2024 Fort Erie Meteors vs Listowel Cyclones start:2024-04-20 01:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 05:30:00
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 18 : 2024 Xavier vs Seton Hall start:2024-04-19 22:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 02:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 18 : 2024 Evansville Thunderbolts vs Peoria Rivermen start:2024-04-20 02:15:00 stop:2024-04-20 06:15:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 19 : 2024 Mercer County CC vs Drew - Tennis start:2024-04-19 22:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 02:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 19 : 2024 Reapers Black vs Tropics (Varsity) start:2024-04-20 02:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 06:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 20 : 2024 Anderson (SC) vs Lenoir-Rhyne start:2024-04-19 23:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 21 : 2024 North Carolina A&T vs Charleston start:2024-04-19 23:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 22 : 2024 Hofstra vs Delaware start:2024-04-19 23:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 23 : 2024 Hampton vs Elon start:2024-04-19 23:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 24 : 2024 Northern Michigan vs Davenport - Womens Lacrosse start:2024-04-19 23:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 25 : 2024 Wayne (Peewee) vs Generals (Peewee) start:2024-04-19 23:15:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:15:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 26 : 2024 Generals White (MS) vs Hockey Farm (MS) start:2024-04-19 23:30:00 stop:2024-04-20 03:30:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 27 : 2024 Catawba vs Coker start:2024-04-20 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 04:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 28 : 2024 Newberry vs Lincoln Memorial start:2024-04-20 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 04:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 29 : 2024 Limestone vs UVA Wise start:2024-04-20 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 04:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 30 : 2024 Carson-Newman vs Wingate start:2024-04-20 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 04:00:00
PPV FLO SPORTS TV 31 : 2024 Delaware vs North Carolina A&T start:2024-04-20 00:00:00 stop:2024-04-20 04:00:00
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== AUSTRALIA STAN PACK ===
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 01 Fiorentina V Viktoria Plzen Uefa Europa Conference League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 5:40pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 12:40pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 01 Fijian Drua V Western Force Super Rugby Womens Semi Final 2024 // UK Fri 19 Apr 5:30am // ET Fri 19 Apr 12:30am
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 02 Lille V Aston Villa Uefa Europa Conference League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 5:40pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 12:40pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 03 Atalanta V Liverpool Uefa Europa League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:35pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 04 Paok V Club Brugge Uefa Europa Conference League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:55pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:55pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 05 Fenerbahce V Olympiacos Uefa Europa Conference League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:55pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:55pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 06 Roma V Ac Milan Uefa Europa League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:55pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:55pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 07 West Ham V Bayer Leverkusen Uefa Europa League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:55pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:55pm
AU STAN SPORT AU EVENT 08 Marseille V Benfica Uefa Europa League Quarter Final Leg 2 2023/24 // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:55pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:55pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== UK DAZN PACK ===
UK DAZN UK 01 The dazn boxing show live press conference // UK Thu 18 Apr 6:58pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 1:58pm
UK DAZN UK 02 Pfl 3 weighin // UK Thu 18 Apr 10:58pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 5:58pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== UK NATIONAL LEAGUE PACK ===
UK NATIONAL LEAGUE 01: Halifax Town vs. Oldham Athletic // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 1:45pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== UK NRL PACK ===
UK NRL LIVE 00: Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne // UK Thu 18 Apr 10:48am // ET Thu 18 Apr 5:48am
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== UK PDC PACK ===
UK PDC EVENT 01 : 2024 betmgm premier league night 12 english // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:00pm
UK PDC EVENT 02 : 2024 betmgm premier league night 12 italian // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:00pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== UK VIA PLAY PACK ===
UK VIA PLAY 01 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00am ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00am
UK VIA PLAY 01 FIVB Volleyball World Beach Pro Tour Elite16 tepic // UK Thu 18 Apr 4:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 01 FIVB Volleyball World Beach Pro Tour Elite16 tepic // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
UK VIA PLAY 02 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Thu 18 Apr 12:00am ET Wed 17 Apr 7:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 02 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00am ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00am
UK VIA PLAY 02 FIVB Volleyball World Beach Pro Tour Elite16 tepic // UK Thu 18 Apr 4:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 02 FIVB Volleyball World Beach Pro Tour Elite16 tepic // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
UK VIA PLAY 03 Asian Tour Saudi open // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30am ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30am
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
UK VIA PLAY 03 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Thu 18 Apr 4:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 03 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 2 watch now // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:00am ET Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 04 NHL Nhl on the fly // UK Thu 18 Apr 2:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 9:00am
UK VIA PLAY 04 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Thu 18 Apr 4:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 11:00am
UK VIA PLAY 04 24/7 Channel Stream Viaplay sports 1 watch now // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:00am ET Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 05 LALIGA Laliga news // UK Thu 18 Apr 2:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 9:00am
UK VIA PLAY 05 LALIGA Viva laliga // UK Thu 18 Apr 6:00pm ET Thu 18 Apr 1:00pm
UK VIA PLAY 05 NHL Minnesota seattle // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
UK VIA PLAY 05 NHL Los angeles chicago // UK Fri 19 Apr 3:35am ET Thu 18 Apr 10:35pm
UK VIA PLAY 06 NHL Winnipeg vancouver // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:05am ET Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm
UK VIA PLAY 07 NHL Calgary san jose // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:05am ET Thu 18 Apr 9:05pm
UK VIA PLAY 08 NHL Colorado edmonton // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:35am ET Thu 18 Apr 9:35pm
UK VIA PLAY 09 NHL Vegas anaheim // UK Fri 19 Apr 3:05am ET Thu 18 Apr 10:05pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== CANADA DAZN PACK ===
CA DAZN CA 01 Rouen open day 4 18th 5:30am/Lille vs aston villa 18th 12:45pm
CA DAZN CA 02 Stuttgart open day 4 18th 6:30am/Fiorentina vs viktoria plzen 18th 12:45pm
CA DAZN CA 03 The dazn boxing show live press conference // UK Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 2:00pm
CA DAZN CA 04 Atalanta vs liverpool // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 05 Roma vs ac milan // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 06 West ham vs leverkusen // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 07 Marseille vs benfica // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 08 Atalanta vs liverpool (commentaires en français) // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:00pm
CA DAZN CA 09 Pfl 3 weighin // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:00pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:00pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== USA DIRTVISION PACK ===
US DIRTVISION 01: ThunderHill Raceway The World of Outlaws Late Models kick off a three night swing at ThunderHill Raceway. // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:45am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:45pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== USA MILB PACK ===
US MILB 01 New Hampshire Fisher Cats vs Portland Sea Dogs // UK Thu 18 Apr 5:05pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 12:05pm
US MILB 01 Toledo Mud Hens vs Rochester Red Wings // UK Thu 18 Apr 9:05pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 4:05pm
US MILB 01 San Antonio Missions vs Corpus Christi Hooks // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 02 Louisville Bats vs Iowa Cubs // UK Thu 18 Apr 6:08pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 1:08pm
US MILB 02 Reading Fightin Phils vs Binghamton Rumble Ponies // UK Thu 18 Apr 10:15pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 5:15pm
US MILB 02 Visalia Rawhide vs Lake Elsinore Storm // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 9:05pm
US MILB 03 Durham Bulls vs Worcester Red Sox // UK Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 3:05pm
US MILB 03 Erie SeaWolves vs Akron RubberDucks // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
US MILB 03 Vancouver Canadians vs Eugene Emeralds // UK Fri 19 Apr 3:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 10:05pm
US MILB 04 Reading Fightin Phils vs Binghamton Rumble Ponies // UK Thu 18 Apr 10:20pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 5:20pm
US MILB 04 Modesto Nuts vs San Jose Giants // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:30am // ET Thu 18 Apr 9:30pm
US MILB 05 Toledo Mud Hens vs Rochester Red Wings // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:05pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:05pm
US MILB 05 Tri-City Dust Devils vs Hillsboro Hops // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 9:35pm
US MILB 06 West Michigan Whitecaps vs Great Lakes Loons // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:05pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:05pm
US MILB 06 Everett AquaSox vs Spokane Indians // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 9:35pm
US MILB 07 Tampa Tarpons vs St. Lucie Mets // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:10pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:10pm
US MILB 07 Fresno Grizzlies vs Stockton Ports // UK Fri 19 Apr 3:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 10:05pm
US MILB 08 Buffalo Bisons vs Columbus Clippers // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:15pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:15pm
US MILB 08 Tacoma Rainiers vs Las Vegas Aviators // UK Fri 19 Apr 3:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 10:05pm
US MILB 09 Hickory Crawdads vs Greensboro Grasshoppers // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 10 Delmarva Shorebirds vs Down East Wood Ducks // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 11 Clearwater Threshers vs Dunedin Blue Jays // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 12 Lakeland Flying Tigers vs Palm Beach Cardinals // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 13 Daytona Tortugas vs Bradenton Marauders // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 14 Richmond Flying Squirrels vs Harrisburg Senators // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:30pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:30pm
US MILB 15 Greenville Drive vs Wilmington Blue Rocks // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 16 Altoona Curve vs Bowie Baysox // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
US MILB 17 Brooklyn Cyclones vs Jersey Shore BlueClaws // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 18 Lansing Lugnuts vs Lake County Captains // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 19 Aberdeen IronBirds vs Hudson Valley Renegades // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 20 Rome Emperors vs Asheville Tourists // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 21 Lehigh Valley IronPigs vs Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 22 Hartford Yard Goats vs Somerset Patriots // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 23 St. Paul Saints vs Indianapolis Indians // UK Thu 18 Apr 11:35pm // ET Thu 18 Apr 6:35pm
US MILB 24 Montgomery Biscuits vs Tennessee Smokies // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:00am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:00pm
US MILB 25 Syracuse Mets vs Charlotte Knights // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:04am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:04pm
US MILB 26 Memphis Redbirds vs Gwinnett Stripers // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 27 Carolina Mudcats vs Augusta GreenJackets // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 28 Lynchburg Hillcats vs Salem Red Sox // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 29 Jupiter Hammerheads vs Fort Myers Mighty Mussels // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 30 Kannapolis Cannon Ballers vs Myrtle Beach Pelicans // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 31 Norfolk Tides vs Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 32 Fort Wayne TinCaps vs Dayton Dragons // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 33 Columbia Fireflies vs Charleston RiverDogs // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 34 Fayetteville Woodpeckers vs Fredericksburg Nationals // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 35 Rocket City Trash Pandas vs Pensacola Blue Wahoos // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:05pm
US MILB 36 Peoria Chiefs vs Quad Cities River Bandits // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:30am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:30pm
US MILB 37 South Bend Cubs vs Beloit Sky Carp // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 38 Omaha Storm Chasers vs Nashville Sounds // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 39 Frisco RoughRiders vs Arkansas Travelers // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
US MILB 40 Winston-Salem Dash vs Bowling Green Hot Rods // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 41 Chattanooga Lookouts vs Biloxi Shuckers // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 42 Round Rock Express vs Sugar Land Space Cowboys // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:35pm
US MILB 43 Cedar Rapids Kernels vs Wisconsin Timber Rattlers // UK Fri 19 Apr 12:40am // ET Thu 18 Apr 7:40pm
US MILB 44 Mississippi Braves vs Birmingham Barons // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:00am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:00pm
US MILB 45 Sacramento River Cats vs Oklahoma City Baseball Club // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm
US MILB 46 Midland RockHounds vs Northwest Arkansas Naturals // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm
US MILB 47 Tulsa Drillers vs Wichita Wind Surge // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm
US MILB 48 Springfield Cardinals vs Amarillo Sod Poodles // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:05am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:05pm
US MILB 49 Reno Aces vs Salt Lake Bees // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:35pm
US MILB 50 Albuquerque Isotopes vs El Paso Chihuahuas // UK Fri 19 Apr 1:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 8:35pm
US MILB 51 Rancho Cucamonga Quakes vs Inland Empire 66ers // UK Fri 19 Apr 2:35am // ET Thu 18 Apr 9:35pm
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== USA MLB PACK ===
US MLB LIVE 01: LA Angels at Tampa Bay 1:10 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 02: Texas at Detroit 1:10 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 03: Cleveland at Boston 1:35 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 04: Miami at Chi. Cubs 7:40 PM ET
US MLB LIVE 05: Arizona at San Francisco 9:45 PM ET
​
Screwdatt, [4/18/2024 7:34 AM]
=== USA NHL PACK ===
US NHL LIVE 01: Seattle at Minnesota 7:00 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 02: Vancouver at Winnipeg 8:00 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 03: San Jose at Calgary 9:00 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 04: Edmonton at Colorado 9:30 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 05: Anaheim at Vegas 10:00 PM ET
US NHL LIVE 06: Chicago at Los Angeles 10:30 PM ET

Canada appears on the verge of a nuclear-power renaissance instigated by the need for reliable carbon-free energy, with the provinces and the federal government putting their weight behind a wide range of initiatives. How did we get here and what could be next for Canada’s nuclear fuel structure?”
This is the question poised by Dr. Esam Hussein, a nuclear engineer and a professor emeritus at both the University of Regina and the University of New Brunswick.
In a recent memo to Canadian nuclear observers, Hussein highlights Canada’s imminent renaissance in nuclear power and the critical need to fortify the nation’s nuclear fuel supply chain.
“To date, the only full supply chain available in Canada is for natural uranium that fuels CANDU reactors. There appear to be no explicit policies yet in Canada on enriching uranium,” the letter explained.
Hussein wrote that historically, Canada has been a trailblazer in nuclear technology, notably with the pioneering CANDU-reactor design. This system, unique in its utilization of natural uranium and heavy water, has been a hallmark of Canada’s nuclear energy landscape. However, as global standards lean towards pressurized and boiling water reactors reliant on low-enriched uranium (LEU), Canada faces a pivotal juncture in its nuclear evolution.
The professor further explained that of the 47 pressurized heavy water reactors worldwide, 19 are operational within Canada, providing a significant portion of the nation’s energy grid. These reactors, strategically positioned across sites like Pickering, Bruce, Darlington, and Point Lepreau, NB, rely on a robust supply chain for natural uranium. Mined in Saskatchewan, this uranium undergoes domestic refinement before being transformed into fuel pellets and bundles for CANDU reactors. Despite Canada’s status as a leading uranium producer, the majority of this resource is exported, underscoring the need for a renewed focus on domestic nuclear infrastructure.
While Canada has not commissioned new reactors since the 1990s, Ontario Power Generation’s forthcoming BWRX-300 small reactor signals a potential shift in this trend. Yet, this shift brings fresh challenges as the BWRX-300 necessitates enriched fuel, a resource currently sourced from overseas enrichment facilities in the US, Europe, and the UK.
Additionally, Ontario’s aspirations for a new nuclear generating station at the Bruce Power site, alongside ventures into microreactors in collaboration with Saskatchewan, underscore the diverse demands facing Canada’s nuclear industry. These endeavors, particularly those reliant on high-assay low enriched uranium (HALEU), highlight the urgency for a comprehensive domestic supply chain.
The development of innovative reactor designs such as the ARC-100, X-Energy, and Moltex further accentuates Canada’s nuclear ambitions. However, the absence of policies governing uranium enrichment and spent fuel reprocessing presents formidable hurdles.
“As a first step, the federal government should clarify its policies on uranium enrichment and the processing of spent fuel. Governments should also continue to support domestic nuclear-related industries, to add value to our valuable uranium resources,” Hussein added.
Can it be done?
These sentiments have been echoed by Sasha Istvan, a Calgary-based engineer with Census Energy, with experience in both the nuclear supply chain and the oil and gas sector. In an op-ed, she relayed that Canada stands at the precipice of a nuclear renaissance, propelled by a robust domestic supply chain and ambitious plans for the future of nuclear energy.
“The pledge from 22 countries, including Canada, to collectively triple nuclear capacity by 2050 drew cheers and raised eyebrows at the United Nations Climate Change Conference last fall in Dubai. Climate commitments are no stranger to bold claims. So, the question remains, can it be done?” she wrote.
With successful refurbishments underway in Ontario and plans for small modular reactors (SMRs) in several provinces, Canada’s nuclear ambitions are taking shape, said Istvan. The infrastructure required for nuclear energy production necessitates not only advanced technology but also a resilient supply chain. Over five decades of nuclear generation have enabled Canada to cultivate a world-class supply chain, primarily servicing CANDU reactors, with the potential now to expand into the realm of SMRs.
Istvan also said that she can attest to the readiness of Canada’s nuclear supply chain to meet the challenges of tomorrow’s energy landscape.
“The CANDU reactor is the unsung hero of the Canadian energy industry: one of the world’s safest nuclear reactors, exported around the world, and producing around 60 per cent of Ontario’s electricity, as well as 40 per cent of New Brunswick’s,” she added.
She further explained that Canada’s advantages in the global nuclear arena are twofold. Firstly, as a major producer of uranium, Canada boasts unparalleled reserves in northern Saskatchewan, positioning itself as a crucial contributor to the success of the global nuclear renaissance. Secondly, Canada’s established and active supply chain, nurtured through ongoing refurbishments and innovative SMR projects, provides a solid foundation for future growth.
The commitment to SMRs represents the next phase of nuclear technology, offering scalability and modular construction benefits. Investments in SMR supply chains now position Canada for substantial economic gains in the future.
“SMRs are the next phase of nuclear technology. Their size and design make them well suited for high production and modular construction. Investing in the supply chain for SMRs now positions Canada for significant economic gains,” Istvan wrote.
While Ontario currently hosts the bulk of Canada’s nuclear supply chain, other provinces are investing in local capacity development, ensuring a decentralized and resilient nuclear industry across the nation. This flurry of activity positions Canada as a first-mover in the global nuclear market, poised to capitalize on the burgeoning demand for nuclear components and services.
A study in 2019 showed that it contributed $17 billion to Canada’s GDP and created over 76,000 jobs. Most of these jobs were highly skilled, and many workers were under 40 years old. Another report found that building just four small nuclear reactors could add $15.3 billion to the GDP over 65 years and keep 2,000 jobs each year.
People are starting to like nuclear energy more. In 2023, 57% of Canadians wanted to see more nuclear power, up from 51% in 2021. Even the Business Council of Canada supports expanding nuclear because it sees the benefits.
“While the critical minerals and manufactured goods required for batteries, wind and solar energy rely heavily on China and other politically unstable or authoritarian countries, nuclear provides energy independence. Canada is well positioned to help our allies improve their energy security with our strong, competitive nuclear supply chain,” Istvan concluded.
Canada plans to speed up approval for new nuclear projects to help with energy and climate goals. Energy Minister Jonathan Wilkinson says they’ll make the process faster without skipping environmental checks, as Ontario wanted. The move follows a Supreme Court ruling about the process crossing provincial lines. Changes to the law will try to fix this without slowing things down with long talks. Wilkinson says they’ll balance speed with environmental safety.
#Uranium
Original Article link

Canada appears on the verge of a nuclear-power renaissance instigated by the need for reliable carbon-free energy, with the provinces and the federal government putting their weight behind a wide range of initiatives. How did we get here and what could be next for Canada’s nuclear fuel structure?”
This is the question poised by Dr. Esam Hussein, a nuclear engineer and a professor emeritus at both the University of Regina and the University of New Brunswick.
In a recent memo to Canadian nuclear observers, Hussein highlights Canada’s imminent renaissance in nuclear power and the critical need to fortify the nation’s nuclear fuel supply chain.
“To date, the only full supply chain available in Canada is for natural uranium that fuels CANDU reactors. There appear to be no explicit policies yet in Canada on enriching uranium,” the letter explained.
Hussein wrote that historically, Canada has been a trailblazer in nuclear technology, notably with the pioneering CANDU-reactor design. This system, unique in its utilization of natural uranium and heavy water, has been a hallmark of Canada’s nuclear energy landscape. However, as global standards lean towards pressurized and boiling water reactors reliant on low-enriched uranium (LEU), Canada faces a pivotal juncture in its nuclear evolution.
The professor further explained that of the 47 pressurized heavy water reactors worldwide, 19 are operational within Canada, providing a significant portion of the nation’s energy grid. These reactors, strategically positioned across sites like Pickering, Bruce, Darlington, and Point Lepreau, NB, rely on a robust supply chain for natural uranium. Mined in Saskatchewan, this uranium undergoes domestic refinement before being transformed into fuel pellets and bundles for CANDU reactors. Despite Canada’s status as a leading uranium producer, the majority of this resource is exported, underscoring the need for a renewed focus on domestic nuclear infrastructure.
While Canada has not commissioned new reactors since the 1990s, Ontario Power Generation’s forthcoming BWRX-300 small reactor signals a potential shift in this trend. Yet, this shift brings fresh challenges as the BWRX-300 necessitates enriched fuel, a resource currently sourced from overseas enrichment facilities in the US, Europe, and the UK.
Additionally, Ontario’s aspirations for a new nuclear generating station at the Bruce Power site, alongside ventures into microreactors in collaboration with Saskatchewan, underscore the diverse demands facing Canada’s nuclear industry. These endeavors, particularly those reliant on high-assay low enriched uranium (HALEU), highlight the urgency for a comprehensive domestic supply chain.
The development of innovative reactor designs such as the ARC-100, X-Energy, and Moltex further accentuates Canada’s nuclear ambitions. However, the absence of policies governing uranium enrichment and spent fuel reprocessing presents formidable hurdles.
“As a first step, the federal government should clarify its policies on uranium enrichment and the processing of spent fuel. Governments should also continue to support domestic nuclear-related industries, to add value to our valuable uranium resources,” Hussein added.

Can it be done?

These sentiments have been echoed by Sasha Istvan, a Calgary-based engineer with Census Energy, with experience in both the nuclear supply chain and the oil and gas sector. In an op-ed, she relayed that Canada stands at the precipice of a nuclear renaissance, propelled by a robust domestic supply chain and ambitious plans for the future of nuclear energy.
“The pledge from 22 countries, including Canada, to collectively triple nuclear capacity by 2050 drew cheers and raised eyebrows at the United Nations Climate Change Conference last fall in Dubai. Climate commitments are no stranger to bold claims. So, the question remains, can it be done?” she wrote.
With successful refurbishments underway in Ontario and plans for small modular reactors (SMRs) in several provinces, Canada’s nuclear ambitions are taking shape, said Istvan. The infrastructure required for nuclear energy production necessitates not only advanced technology but also a resilient supply chain. Over five decades of nuclear generation have enabled Canada to cultivate a world-class supply chain, primarily servicing CANDU reactors, with the potential now to expand into the realm of SMRs.
Istvan also said that she can attest to the readiness of Canada’s nuclear supply chain to meet the challenges of tomorrow’s energy landscape.
“The CANDU reactor is the unsung hero of the Canadian energy industry: one of the world’s safest nuclear reactors, exported around the world, and producing around 60 per cent of Ontario’s electricity, as well as 40 per cent of New Brunswick’s,” she added.
She further explained that Canada’s advantages in the global nuclear arena are twofold. Firstly, as a major producer of uranium, Canada boasts unparalleled reserves in northern Saskatchewan, positioning itself as a crucial contributor to the success of the global nuclear renaissance. Secondly, Canada’s established and active supply chain, nurtured through ongoing refurbishments and innovative SMR projects, provides a solid foundation for future growth.
The commitment to SMRs represents the next phase of nuclear technology, offering scalability and modular construction benefits. Investments in SMR supply chains now position Canada for substantial economic gains in the future.
“SMRs are the next phase of nuclear technology. Their size and design make them well suited for high production and modular construction. Investing in the supply chain for SMRs now positions Canada for significant economic gains,” Istvan wrote.
While Ontario currently hosts the bulk of Canada’s nuclear supply chain, other provinces are investing in local capacity development, ensuring a decentralized and resilient nuclear industry across the nation. This flurry of activity positions Canada as a first-mover in the global nuclear market, poised to capitalize on the burgeoning demand for nuclear components and services.
A study in 2019 showed that it contributed $17 billion to Canada’s GDP and created over 76,000 jobs. Most of these jobs were highly skilled, and many workers were under 40 years old. Another report found that building just four small nuclear reactors could add $15.3 billion to the GDP over 65 years and keep 2,000 jobs each year.
People are starting to like nuclear energy more. In 2023, 57% of Canadians wanted to see more nuclear power, up from 51% in 2021. Even the Business Council of Canada supports expanding nuclear because it sees the benefits.
“While the critical minerals and manufactured goods required for batteries, wind and solar energy rely heavily on China and other politically unstable or authoritarian countries, nuclear provides energy independence. Canada is well positioned to help our allies improve their energy security with our strong, competitive nuclear supply chain,” Istvan concluded.
Canada plans to speed up approval for new nuclear projects to help with energy and climate goals. Energy Minister Jonathan Wilkinson says they’ll make the process faster without skipping environmental checks, as Ontario wanted. The move follows a Supreme Court ruling about the process crossing provincial lines. Changes to the law will try to fix this without slowing things down with long talks. Wilkinson says they’ll balance speed with environmental safety.
#Uranium
Original Article link
​

As Napalm
It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.
Part 5 Liu
I’m a missile from Zhengzhou
Where my face is printed with flowers
Left university with hope
A blimp
To be ripped
Abrasion and termites
Eat me whole until I undo
Caught to the wires around me
Laying flat
Hoping for something new.
My name is Michelle. I had been at the local foreigner bar. I was raided in Zhengzhou. I lost my job recently. I’m 22 and wanted to work in business, but it will not do. Lost
Now I was working at a TikTok farm. I’m a busy ant.
I can’t remember much. My anti-convulsion meds make my mind feel muddy. I spend nights playing with my tarot cards wondering what I got to do to get to a place better.
Driving me crazy taking meds because my face started to hurt me. Feels like a bolt to my face—absolute torture!—suicide disease—that is what the doctors told me.
So I had an attempt and all my coworkers thought I had an affair.
All the gossip was like blitzkrieg so I ran away—I quit. And I need to make money because I’m sick and don’t want the nerve pain. Hoping surgery can save me. So I found myself working making money on live streams doing ASMR. I put on beautiful hanfu and paint flowers on my face. I’m waiting for gifts. But my boss hates me. Maybe because I don’t fit the picture. It’s not in my character to lay flat.
I speak English fluently. So my boss thinks I’m perfect for something new. I go on WeChat waiting for strangers to go on the social app looking for affairs. Foreigners that are easy to pull likes moths to lights. I flirt with them. Ask them to me in the middle of the night. We go to predestined positions. Guys thinking they are getting something that night. A couple larger men come to force the unexpected men to pay an astronomical bill that is not just for the snacks served.
This became my routine. But onetime it really bad. A Canadian I met in the street did not act right. He appeared to be bouncing and deranged. Like he was on some kind of upper. Offered me white powder. My sensors went off. I’m a missile. I know when something is off. Ready to do what I have to. He came close. I shoved him. I was near the location for the setup. My colleagues heard the commotion. Hands went. The crazed Canadian fell to the ground and never woke up again. Not knowing what to do. I went off like a missile and ran. The fear…
Part 6
I thought of it as I got lost. I’m a butterfly from Zhengzhou. From the center of Henan in China. I float off. Cause I’m stuck. No symmetry in my fate. Came under the ground as a Cicada. Went looking for something great but I’m not far. Just stuck, like a sun that won’t rise up. Call me Liu.
I developed the suicide disease when I was 19. It leaves my facing in tremendous pain on the left side. Makes me fall down and want to die. 26% will commit suicide. I often painted flowers on the side to grant some beauty to what happens to me. This disease caused all my teeth, gums, and entire left side to turn to intense electrical stabbing pain. There would be no warning before an attack. Paranoia of not knowing when the next one will come.
Had a decent job that seemed to be fit and good for me. The attacks brought me to my knees and made me eat carpet. Brought me to a frantic spell that caused me to overdose. Rumors spread at work that it was due to shame I had for having an affair with a married man.
I left the career devastated. I was shamed out of it.
I had temporarily found myself stranded into a career on a TikTok farm in Zhengzhou performing ASMR.
I was transplanted to a new career after a horrible incident. I had ran off to Guangzhou to where my cousin lives.
I want symmetry in my life. There is none. Just instability and pain.
Do you believe in the transplantation of thoughts? I do.
Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Learned about it before in a book. My friend beside me nodded after having taken their fentanyl based medicine earlier. Tiring doing odd jobs to pull off getting ahold of things.
I walked by and entered my workplace. I walked into the studio that was based in Guangzhou. I was handed my flyers. I headed to the street and began passing them out to advertise for a local KTV with women wearing little to no clothing on them.
A man walked by on the sidewalk. Some man looked like someone I must know before. Ever ad that feeling? But I could not know for sure or remember exactly. I awkwardly stared him up and down.
The man I had a hard time recognizing started to feel all too familiar. It was like I could read his thoughts. I have a projector head. Sometimes I can see everything. I feel it like rays of the sun on my skin—so natural and calling. Like Chang’e on the moon so far away looking down on a lover she misses—this man was sending radio signal signals from his marrow. A special type of attraction. Need attention like the world has been cruel to me. A world that has abandoned me.
The books were right that I had been reading. He must of noticing my odd staring. He took a flyer from me. Stumbled a bit while trying to understand what was going on. I pointed at the establishment I worked and told him he should visit. He gave a smile before departing it. I’m sure heaven can talk—gave orders to lift the anchors to provide transportation to a new fate.
It was exciting to know I might get to meet him, but I had concerns. In the evening I would work within the KTV. Depending on the occasion I would sometimes get to dress in hanfu, which I enjoyed. I sometimes search for distraction as there is something wrong with the way my thoughts transfer. When you live a life under threats and violence—feelings of being trapped in life—you naturally see people with masks. They either pose a threat or are safe and you must view them in black and white. There is no time to see things in grey—too much danger in doing that. I must have a negative perspective on the world around me like a cocoon to stay safe. Like a butterfly I go to faces to see if they bite or have pollen. I believe the man today had pollen. I truly can read minds.
Part 7
Black and white thinking originates like an atom bomb. It tears a mind into a black hole of horrible events. Leaves craters like hole as cheese in the brain—provides the surface to create something that absorbs like a sponge. Pain that radiates through to create the velocity of irritated atomic steam engine that can send signals out. It burns. Cheese head with holes right through like a particle accelerator went right through. Fox holes in the brain when it feels in danger. A life of a perpetual civil war. It is painful.
Such thinking with holes causes one to be prone to have memories fall through black holes and be forgotten. Never can be found. Blanks.
The man that thoughts transpired to earlier in the day went by the name of Muchen. It was like seppuku in attraction. Fusion. We met at the designated room he had gotten with his friends to rent out to have there to host. Drinks are bought as a form of payment. Transplanting of thoughts wears the brain like sandpaper waves of abrasion.
I don't trust you as the reader. You been holding for a long time And I feel attachment with you that makes me very unsafe. I don’t trust you anymore. I rather you stop putting eyes on me. It makes me run off very fast. I’m uncomfortable. The most benign things come across as dangerous to me. And I want you to step away.
...... to be continued....

As Napalm
It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.
Part 5 Liu
I’m a missile from Zhengzhou
Where my face is printed with flowers
Left university with hope
A blimp
To be ripped
Abrasion and termites
Eat me whole until I undo
Caught to the wires around me
Laying flat
Hoping for something new.
My name is Michelle. I had been at the local foreigner bar. I was raided in Zhengzhou. I lost my job recently. I’m 22 and wanted to work in business, but it will not do. Lost
Now I was working at a TikTok farm. I’m a busy ant.
I can’t remember much. My anti-convulsion meds make my mind feel muddy. I spend nights playing with my tarot cards wondering what I got to do to get to a place better.
Driving me crazy taking meds because my face started to hurt me. Feels like a bolt to my face—absolute torture!—suicide disease—that is what the doctors told me.
So I had an attempt and all my coworkers thought I had an affair.
All the gossip was like blitzkrieg so I ran away—I quit. And I need to make money because I’m sick and don’t want the nerve pain. Hoping surgery can save me. So I found myself working making money on live streams doing ASMR. I put on beautiful hanfu and paint flowers on my face. I’m waiting for gifts. But my boss hates me. Maybe because I don’t fit the picture. It’s not in my character to lay flat.
I speak English fluently. So my boss thinks I’m perfect for something new. I go on WeChat waiting for strangers to go on the social app looking for affairs. Foreigners that are easy to pull likes moths to lights. I flirt with them. Ask them to me in the middle of the night. We go to predestined positions. Guys thinking they are getting something that night. A couple larger men come to force the unexpected men to pay an astronomical bill that is not just for the snacks served.
This became my routine. But onetime it really bad. A Canadian I met in the street did not act right. He appeared to be bouncing and deranged. Like he was on some kind of upper. Offered me white powder. My sensors went off. I’m a missile. I know when something is off. Ready to do what I have to. He came close. I shoved him. I was near the location for the setup. My colleagues heard the commotion. Hands went. The crazed Canadian fell to the ground and never woke up again. Not knowing what to do. I went off like a missile and ran. The fear…
Part 6
I thought of it as I got lost. I’m a butterfly from Zhengzhou. From the center of Henan in China. I float off. Cause I’m stuck. No symmetry in my fate. Came under the ground as a Cicada. Went looking for something great but I’m not far. Just stuck, like a sun that won’t rise up. Call me Liu.
I developed the suicide disease when I was 19. It leaves my facing in tremendous pain on the left side. Makes me fall down and want to die. 26% will commit suicide. I often painted flowers on the side to grant some beauty to what happens to me. This disease caused all my teeth, gums, and entire left side to turn to intense electrical stabbing pain. There would be no warning before an attack. Paranoia of not knowing when the next one will come.
Had a decent job that seemed to be fit and good for me. The attacks brought me to my knees and made me eat carpet. Brought me to a frantic spell that caused me to overdose. Rumors spread at work that it was due to shame I had for having an affair with a married man.
I left the career devastated. I was shamed out of it.
I had temporarily found myself stranded into a career on a TikTok farm in Zhengzhou performing ASMR.
I was transplanted to a new career after a horrible incident. I had ran off to Guangzhou to where my cousin lives.
I want symmetry in my life. There is none. Just instability and pain.
Do you believe in the transplantation of thoughts? I do.
Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Learned about it before in a book. My friend beside me nodded after having taken their fentanyl based medicine earlier. Tiring doing odd jobs to pull off getting ahold of things.
I walked by and entered my workplace. I walked into the studio that was based in Guangzhou. I was handed my flyers. I headed to the street and began passing them out to advertise for a local KTV with women wearing little to no clothing on them.
A man walked by on the sidewalk. Some man looked like someone I must know before. Ever ad that feeling? But I could not know for sure or remember exactly. I awkwardly stared him up and down.
The man I had a hard time recognizing started to feel all too familiar. It was like I could read his thoughts. I have a projector head. Sometimes I can see everything. I feel it like rays of the sun on my skin—so natural and calling. Like Chang’e on the moon so far away looking down on a lover she misses—this man was sending radio signal signals from his marrow. A special type of attraction. Need attention like the world has been cruel to me. A world that has abandoned me.
The books were right that I had been reading. He must of noticing my odd staring. He took a flyer from me. Stumbled a bit while trying to understand what was going on. I pointed at the establishment I worked and told him he should visit. He gave a smile before departing it. I’m sure heaven can talk—gave orders to lift the anchors to provide transportation to a new fate.
It was exciting to know I might get to meet him, but I had concerns. In the evening I would work within the KTV. Depending on the occasion I would sometimes get to dress in hanfu, which I enjoyed. I sometimes search for distraction as there is something wrong with the way my thoughts transfer. When you live a life under threats and violence—feelings of being trapped in life—you naturally see people with masks. They either pose a threat or are safe and you must view them in black and white. There is no time to see things in grey—too much danger in doing that. I must have a negative perspective on the world around me like a cocoon to stay safe. Like a butterfly I go to faces to see if they bite or have pollen. I believe the man today had pollen. I truly can read minds.
Part 7
Black and white thinking originates like an atom bomb. It tears a mind into a black hole of horrible events. Leaves craters like hole as cheese in the brain—provides the surface to create something that absorbs like a sponge. Pain that radiates through to create the velocity of irritated atomic steam engine that can send signals out. It burns. Cheese head with holes right through like a particle accelerator went right through. Fox holes in the brain when it feels in danger. A life of a perpetual civil war. It is painful.
Such thinking with holes causes one to be prone to have memories fall through black holes and be forgotten. Never can be found. Blanks.
The man that thoughts transpired to earlier in the day went by the name of Muchen. It was like seppuku in attraction. Fusion. We met at the designated room he had gotten with his friends to rent out to have there to host. Drinks are bought as a form of payment. Transplanting of thoughts wears the brain like sandpaper waves of abrasion.
I don't trust you as the reader. You been holding for a long time And I feel attachment with you that makes me very unsafe. I don’t trust you anymore. I rather you stop putting eyes on me. It makes me run off very fast. I’m uncomfortable. The most benign things come across as dangerous to me. And I want you to step away.
...... to be continued....

As Napalm
It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.
Part 5 Liu
I’m a missile from Zhengzhou
Where my face is printed with flowers
Left university with hope
A blimp
To be ripped
Abrasion and termites
Eat me whole until I undo
Caught to the wires around me
Laying flat
Hoping for something new.
My name is Michelle. I had been at the local foreigner bar. I was raided in Zhengzhou. I lost my job recently. I’m 22 and wanted to work in business, but it will not do. Lost
Now I was working at a TikTok farm. I’m a busy ant.
I can’t remember much. My anti-convulsion meds make my mind feel muddy. I spend nights playing with my tarot cards wondering what I got to do to get to a place better.
Driving me crazy taking meds because my face started to hurt me. Feels like a bolt to my face—absolute torture!—suicide disease—that is what the doctors told me.
So I had an attempt and all my coworkers thought I had an affair.
All the gossip was like blitzkrieg so I ran away—I quit. And I need to make money because I’m sick and don’t want the nerve pain. Hoping surgery can save me. So I found myself working making money on live streams doing ASMR. I put on beautiful hanfu and paint flowers on my face. I’m waiting for gifts. But my boss hates me. Maybe because I don’t fit the picture. It’s not in my character to lay flat.
I speak English fluently. So my boss thinks I’m perfect for something new. I go on WeChat waiting for strangers to go on the social app looking for affairs. Foreigners that are easy to pull likes moths to lights. I flirt with them. Ask them to me in the middle of the night. We go to predestined positions. Guys thinking they are getting something that night. A couple larger men come to force the unexpected men to pay an astronomical bill that is not just for the snacks served.
This became my routine. But onetime it really bad. A Canadian I met in the street did not act right. He appeared to be bouncing and deranged. Like he was on some kind of upper. Offered me white powder. My sensors went off. I’m a missile. I know when something is off. Ready to do what I have to. He came close. I shoved him. I was near the location for the setup. My colleagues heard the commotion. Hands went. The crazed Canadian fell to the ground and never woke up again. Not knowing what to do. I went off like a missile and ran. The fear…
Part 6
I thought of it as I got lost. I’m a butterfly from Zhengzhou. From the center of Henan in China. I float off. Cause I’m stuck. No symmetry in my fate. Came under the ground as a Cicada. Went looking for something great but I’m not far. Just stuck, like a sun that won’t rise up. Call me Liu.
I developed the suicide disease when I was 19. It leaves my facing in tremendous pain on the left side. Makes me fall down and want to die. 26% will commit suicide. I often painted flowers on the side to grant some beauty to what happens to me. This disease caused all my teeth, gums, and entire left side to turn to intense electrical stabbing pain. There would be no warning before an attack. Paranoia of not knowing when the next one will come.
Had a decent job that seemed to be fit and good for me. The attacks brought me to my knees and made me eat carpet. Brought me to a frantic spell that caused me to overdose. Rumors spread at work that it was due to shame I had for having an affair with a married man.
I left the career devastated. I was shamed out of it.
I had temporarily found myself stranded into a career on a TikTok farm in Zhengzhou performing ASMR.
I was transplanted to a new career after a horrible incident. I had ran off to Guangzhou to where my cousin lives.
I want symmetry in my life. There is none. Just instability and pain.
Do you believe in the transplantation of thoughts? I do.
Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Learned about it before in a book. My friend beside me nodded after having taken their fentanyl based medicine earlier. Tiring doing odd jobs to pull off getting ahold of things.
I walked by and entered my workplace. I walked into the studio that was based in Guangzhou. I was handed my flyers. I headed to the street and began passing them out to advertise for a local KTV with women wearing little to no clothing on them.
A man walked by on the sidewalk. Some man looked like someone I must know before. Ever ad that feeling? But I could not know for sure or remember exactly. I awkwardly stared him up and down.
The man I had a hard time recognizing started to feel all too familiar. It was like I could read his thoughts. I have a projector head. Sometimes I can see everything. I feel it like rays of the sun on my skin—so natural and calling. Like Chang’e on the moon so far away looking down on a lover she misses—this man was sending radio signal signals from his marrow. A special type of attraction. Need attention like the world has been cruel to me. A world that has abandoned me.
The books were right that I had been reading. He must of noticing my odd staring. He took a flyer from me. Stumbled a bit while trying to understand what was going on. I pointed at the establishment I worked and told him he should visit. He gave a smile before departing it. I’m sure heaven can talk—gave orders to lift the anchors to provide transportation to a new fate.
It was exciting to know I might get to meet him, but I had concerns. In the evening I would work within the KTV. Depending on the occasion I would sometimes get to dress in hanfu, which I enjoyed. I sometimes search for distraction as there is something wrong with the way my thoughts transfer. When you live a life under threats and violence—feelings of being trapped in life—you naturally see people with masks. They either pose a threat or are safe and you must view them in black and white. There is no time to see things in grey—too much danger in doing that. I must have a negative perspective on the world around me like a cocoon to stay safe. Like a butterfly I go to faces to see if they bite or have pollen. I believe the man today had pollen. I truly can read minds.
Part 7
Black and white thinking originates like an atom bomb. It tears a mind into a black hole of horrible events. Leaves craters like hole as cheese in the brain—provides the surface to create something that absorbs like a sponge. Pain that radiates through to create the velocity of irritated atomic steam engine that can send signals out. It burns. Cheese head with holes right through like a particle accelerator went right through. Fox holes in the brain when it feels in danger. A life of a perpetual civil war. It is painful. Such thinking with holes causes one to be prone to have memories fall through black holes and be forgotten. Never can be found. Blanks. The man that thoughts transpired to earlier in the day went by the name of Muchen. It was like seppuku in attraction. Fusion. We met at the designated room he had gotten with his friends to rent out to have there to host. Drinks are bought as a form of payment. Transplanting of thoughts wears the brain like sandpaper waves of abrasion.
I don't trust you as the reader. You been holding for a long time And I feel attachment with you that makes me very unsafe. I don’t trust you anymore. I rather you stop putting eyes on me. It makes me run off very fast. I’m uncomfortable. The most benign things come across as dangerous to me. And I want you to step away.
...... to be continued....