Last updated 5/13/24
About a month ago I literally went through every single community server, empty/full/whatever, and added any that sounded interesting, and didn't have crazy ping to Favorites (I'm in North east US- NJ, US FYI). There are still a bunch of good ones out there (I've also had many solid ones in my favs for quite some time).

Scroll down a few lines to my "To keep it simple.." header for the best ones but the following is a full list I will update when I have time:

(The green line ones are my seal of approval, pink line ones I haven't checked out as much but seem to be ok.)
Server page 1: https://i.imgur.com/NQujz3H.png
Page 2: https://i.imgur.com/c7GkvGm.png

To keep it simple, I think the best ones right now (for me are):

tiny kitty's girl pound- friendly community, runs really solid, nice-looking custom maps, meme maps wednesday is a blast (played 3 hrs last night without loadouts), always has people in it, just be wary of nsfw furry sprays (yeah I know...put cl_spraydisable 1 in console to disable)
1st server: 74.91.115.12:27015
2nd server: 74.91.113.115:27015
OPRAH's PETROL STATION - Friendly community, always has people in it, no goofy instant respawn which has no place in payload yet half of all community server owners see fit to do that, pre-round scramble
108.181.63.51:27015
-EOTL- Payload - same deal
74.91.114.223:27015
redsun.tf - This community is the poster child for tastefully modded custom game modes, and is very active. It's very well maintained & polished and even though I may not enjoy every game mode I've been very impressed by this server network (esp. as a former highly modded community server owner). The EU one fills up most of the time, and I deal with the ping because it's a cool community (it even runs a battle royale mode that is surprisingly well-made)
EU (actually gets players) 141.95.28.56:27015
US - 66.206.13.139:27015
Trigger Happy Gamers (EU) - Trigger Happy Gamers have been around forever and even though they are in the UK I deal with the ping to play with them because they are a solid community. Their 28-pl server gets reliably full from around 1 PM - 3 PM EST every day, and on the weekends a little longer. Their Nocrits server also gets full Saturday
main: 87.98.254.85:27015
Nocrits (gets full Saturdays @ 1 PM - 2 PM)
Fucked in the Head - Another community that has been around forever. To be honest, they have equal respawn on red & blu, even for payload, which I hate with a searing passion, HOWEVER, the regulars are entertaining af and give off vibes of drunk buddies goofing off and not giving a fuck that it almost offsets it. It's also decently populated.
216.52.148.223:27015
Skial servers- I never got the hate for this server network, decent spawn times, halloween mode year round, no power tripping admins, feels like a bunch of randoms having a good time. The Payload+ EU in particular has some really chill/cool regulars, Dustbowl+ US some interesting/funny peeps. Payload US generally decent also:
Payload+ EU 91.216.250.226:27015
Dustbowl+ US 91.216.250.12:27015
Payload+ US 91.216.250.11:27015
Uncletopia - Pretty standard Casual experience except the skill level is generally higher, though it seems to be evening out honestly. And tbh from my experience people in these servers seem pretty cool. If you're looking for Vanilla I'd say this is your best bet.
https://uncletopia.com/servers
Southern Cross Gaming (Rainbow Swirl in particular) - Stumbled across this & played 1 round with these guys running a cool custom mode but apparently they run stock maps as well as custom maps/game modes. Their rules had a huge emphasis on keeping it fun & being respectful and everyone seemed really cool & laidback. It was full at peak time on the weekend. They also have other servers, even in other games & seem to have been around awhile:
IP: furfortress.com:27016
Site: https://www.scg.wtf/servers#team_fortress_2
ciggyland 18+ LGBT+ Furry server run by puppygirls
Funny, chill vibes, lots of custom maps. Seems to get full around peak time. Another diamond in the rough I discovered recently.
74.91.115.82:27015
The Furry Pound - Some people list this one as one of the best non-UT for Vanilla TF2, however the one time I decided to give it a try I was met with some weird overly dramatic BS happening in Voice chat, and I heard someone else give a similar criticism the other day here. BUT, I've also seen people swear by them. It might depend on the day, IDK:
Main server: thefurrypound.org:27015
Bad Weapon Rehabilitation (Vanilla US)
A really solid rebalancing of all weapons in-game. Nothing really feels overpowered or underpowered anymore, also fun things like flames stay on surfaces & I think spy or engy can radar enemies within a few feet or something to his team? It's really fun and gets full. Here's the site with IPs and stuff (The US server gets full around peak time, esp. on weekends)
74.91.126.159:27015
redstar.gg - Arena server, the owner ComradeYazoo seems pretty dedicated to starting it up and I hop in whenever I can. Believe it or not it's still very fun with little people but it's gotten pretty packed a couple times. It also has like every good custom arena map, and scrambles if a team wins 3 in a row. North America I believe.
204.12.240.186:27015
UGC High Tower servers - They run no carts, so it's the TDM High Tower everyone's always dreamed of. They also run Instant Respawn and on any other map I hate that setting with a searing passion but because it's reworked as TDM I feel it actually improves the gameplay (put "high tower" including the space, and without quotes in the search box for a list of 'em in the following link):
https://www.ugc-gaming.net/servers/tf2/
UGC also runs other servers which I cannot vouch for but might be worth looking into.
GFL Clan (maybe???) - Someone said these guys are chill too, though I hate 2fort with a passion:
https://gflclan.com/forum/26-team-fortress-2/
Kogasatopia if you're desperate. They run some really fun mods, and solid (especially good gimmicky) custom maps, but their community is 4chan edgelords that like to say racial slurs. Just mute chat & voice I guess- hud_saytext_time 0;voice_enable 0
Custom Weapons servers (including a guide to the best one via TF2Classic)
More Arena Servers
pic of a dog

This is a long post. I'm sorry, I just don't really know who to talk to about this.
My husband and I got married 9 years ago when we were fairly young (24 years old) and had no money and no place to live. My parents are poor and we knew that any wedding we had would have to be really simple and inexpensive.
I've always wanted a big wedding with all my family and friends there, I wanted to wear a black tulle ball gown, I wanted a sit down dinner with everyone and lots of music and dancing. I made so many concessions for our wedding because of budget and time.
We had planned to get married in July on a day that is really important to us, but nothing was working out. So we ended up changing our date to May of the same year because it seemed like the only way things were going to work out which meant that a bunch of people who'd RSVP'd were unable to come. Most of my husband's family wasn't able to be there which was a huge bummer, and some of my out of town family wasn't able to get time off work or change travel plans.
At the time we were engaged I was sleeping on the floor of my mom's room in a two bedroom apartment that we shared with my two brothers and my dad. There was not enough space for all of us, and I wasn't making enough money to move out on my own. My husband and I both come from very religious families so moving in together before marriage was out of the question. We knew we'd get married eventually so we figured why not now. That way I could get out of the cramped apartment. (Plus there was a lot of stress with my dad, and I was on my way out of my religion which was causing more contention at home). Which is why we moved the date up rather than back.
My mom and my aunts basically DIY'd our whole reception which was AMAZING. We had a short and sweet ceremony on the beach near where we live, and had a short open-house type reception at a community center near by. There was no dinner, no dancing, and it was only a couple of hours long.
I need to preface the rest of this by saying I'm suuuper grateful for the wedding we had! Our families put so much work and effort to make sure we had a nice celebration that was affordable. We had a really fun time celebrating and taking photos during and after the event. I have really fond memories of the day and I love looking through our pictures of the day and remembering how exciting and fun it was.
Now I need to explain where I'm coming from.
Even though the community center worked great for the type of reception we did, it just didn't look that nice and I was pretty bummed out that that's all we could afford.
The food consisted of appetizers and cake. We never ate any food because we were running around saying hi to everyone and thanking them for driving the 1.5 hours to the coast to celebrate with us. The only cake I ate was the tiny slice we cut and then was shoved in my face. We had bought 3 cakes for everyone to eat and the smallest one which was 8" was sent home with us because everyone thought we wanted it for our 1st anniversary. It was a spice cake which cream cheese frosting that we ordered because some of our family really loves spice cake. So it never got communicated that we didnt want to take the whole cake home, but that we wanted our guests to eat it.
The dress was an issue. Like I mentioned before, I really wanted a black tulle ballgown. Everyone one in my family hated the idea and said I would regret wearing black when I saw my wedding photos. (And the photos were the only thing we splurged on so I didn't want to regret those). They also said a ball gown wouldn't make sense for the beach so I should go with something else. My mom and dad wanted me to be modest so I tried to find a dress with short sleeves that would be comfortable to wear in 80° weather on the beach. I was really loving the off the shoulder and sleeveless dresses and at the time they had more details I was looking for. I hated white, and I wanted to go for ivory instead as a compromise but I was told that a bride shouldn't wear anything other than pure white. So I felt super stuck, and ended up feeling super confused and frustrated. I bought a $200 dress online that was pure white, but had tulle cap sleeves. Which was also a house disappointment because I had always wanted to go try on dresses with my mom and grandma and best friend. But because of the timing of the wedding, it wasn't possible and there was nothing we could afford in stores. The dress I bought ended up being too big in the bust and too tight in the hips so we took it for alterations. Seamstress was able to alter the bust so it fit properly, but the hips didn't have enough seam allowance to be taken out at all. So on the day of the wedding I couldn't even sit or go to the bathroom. I will say the dress did look really beautiful and I love my pictures, but everytime I think about it I'm just frustrated that I allowed so much control over what I wore. I wasn't comfortable in the dress or how I looked because I hate wearing whitr and the previously mentioned sitting/bathroom issues.
I had originally wanted my makeup done professionally by a woman I worked weddings with, but when we had to move our date up she had another wedding already booked. So instead I did some lessons with her and did my own makeup the day of.
My family knew about all of the concessions we were making for the wedding and everyone said that in the future we should do a re-do and throw the wedding we wanted originally.
So we planned to do this for our 10 year anniversary which will be next year.
Now, we're in the midst of planning. We've seen so many venues, I've gotten so many quotes for services, and everything is so expensive that my husband is scared off of doing the big wedding I wanted. We've had to cut our guest list, and we're back on track to DIYing a bunch of stuff. The other day we were talking and I felt the way I did when we were getting married originally. Like I'm making all of these concessions for other people and because of money. We've saved money for a while and if we threw the wedding we want, we'd blow through our savings. I'm just feeling frustrated and I don't want to wait another 5 or 10 years to do this. Prices will still be going up and I'm thinking we'll just never be in a place to afford the wedding I had envisioned.
I really wanted this re-do to be a celebration of our relationship as well as a thank you to our friends and family for the support and all the work they did for our wedding. I don't want to ask them for help because I just want them to enjoy the event and not stress. But I'm also feeling conflicted because I want to enjoy the event with my husband rather than running around to make sure things run smoothly. We can't afford a wedding coordinator, DJ, or catering staff, we'll be doing a lot of the work ourselves.
It's looking like we're back to engaged and cutting our guest list as well as DIYing decor and probably running the whole event.
My husband doesn't want to spend $10,000 on the event anymore which is what we had discussed and agreed on. But he also hasn't come up with a new budget and everytime I suggest a number he says no, or says nothing. So I feel stuck. I don't even know where to start looking for a venue. I don't think this is going to happen anymore and I'm feeling really upset. I feel stupid that I care so much about this dumb party, and I feel like an ungrateful brat even though my family hasn't said anything about it and they support the re-do.
I guess I'm just looking for comfort, or perspective. Do I need to reevaluate my feelings on this? Should I just let it go and put the money toward something else like investing or something? I have no idea..

TW: mentions of suicide, self harm, brief mentions of physical, mental and child abuse along with a few other things that might trigger people.
I, (13-15 female) have a small group of friends. (All around 13-15, mainly female) But there has been some major drama in our friend group and I need advice on what to do.
I've had this friend who we'll call Sam. Sam and I have know each other since we were around 6 yrs old. We met in YeaPrimary 2. (For all the people not from the UK, that would be 1st grade)
We have known each other from then all the way until now. But this is when the drama starts.
For context, My group of friends has 4 people in it. (Including me) and one of these friends, who I'll call Rich, wanted to meet sam. But since Rich lives at least 4 hours away from us, I decided to set up an online game for us to play and for Sam and Rich to get to know each other and ask each other questions.
Sometime into the game I get a private message from Sam.
That's when Sam told me she had a crush on Rich. (We were less then 10 minutes into the game aka less then 10 minutes knowing each other) And she asked if she should tell him. I was (mostly) happy for my friend as she hasnt dated for a few years and told her to shoot her shot. And turns out, Rich liked Sam back. So they started dating.
BTW, Sam had just ghosted someone she dated online and did role-plays with, a few days before this happened. (Keep this in mind)
So some background, our entire group of friends play online role-playing games (In a private server) since we all like being able to make role-plays and storylines, except Sam. (She can be really picky)
This is how Sam and Rich basically went on dates. They also invited me to join them sometimes so they had someone else to play the "extra characters" in their role-plays. Their role-plays mostly consisted of guy x guy, mafia bosses and the typical cringe gacha storylines from 2018. I hated the 'maifa guy buys a slave' type tropes they did but I did it with them anyway because Sam always ended up getting mad and ignoring me if I said no or suggested something different.
This whole role-playing thing went on for a few months. That's when I saw Sam online with Mike. (Mike is the name of the person Sam dated online before Rich, I was friends with Mike and still was at the time despite their break up) I decided to join them and see what they were doing on a server together. (Sam had told me and Rich several times that she hated Mike and she always said he was a "alpha bad boy wannbe")
Once I joined I looked in the chat I saw a bunch of messages like Kisses softly (From Mike) and "You're sexy~" (From Sam) I was extremely confused and decided to ask Sam about this later when she wasn't on the server. She said something along the lines of "I was joking around, I never actually broke up with Mike 🤣".
So I was extremely confused and asked Rich if he knew about this.
That's where it all went to shit afterwards. (Don't worry, it gets worse)
To give a short rundown since this post is already long, Sam was cheating on Mike with Rich while also cheating on Rich with Mike as they both though that Sam dated them and had blocked the other person. When Rich 1st confronted her she said they were in a polyamous relationship. (They were not) This kept happening until eventually Mike blocked everyone (Except me) and really didn't talk to any of us. (Or so I thought.)
I always thought that Rich and Sam shouldn't be dating but I stayed out of it because Sam is the only friend I can really talk to and hang out with, without feeling anxious.
Then I found out that Sam was cheating on Rich AGAIN with a girl from her class called Jaime. Then she cheated AGAIN with a girl from my class who I'll call Autumn.
So not only did Sam cheat on Rich with 3 different people. She did it SEVERAL TIMES WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
I eventually distanced myself from the group as a whole. (I also was in hospital which helped me to ignore all of the drama as I was recovering from surgery)
That's when I found a message in the group chat. (The group chat had me, Sam, Jaime and one of Sam's friends in it as well) The message said "Imagine if Rich knew about you dating me and Autumn 🤣💀" from Jaime.
I told Rich literally everything including screenshots and evidence I had. He didn't believe me until he asked Sam which to that she laughed about it and told him that her adhd made her do bad things. Rich then went into a major depressive episode and he wouldn't respond at all to anyone.
Rich even cut himself and attempted suicide. (He has home issues and several mental illnesses, which Sam knew of) Thankfully he survived.
But here's the thing, Sam and Rich GOT BACK TOGETHER AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.
I was absolutely fucking horrified by this as it seemed to be a severely toxic and maybe even abusive relationship (Psychologically) since Rich had Bipolar and Sam used to blame him for acting weird and blamed him for her cheating.
Here's where I think I became the asshole.
I made a throwaway account and took screenshots of everything and sent them to Jaime, Autumn, Rich, our group of friends and basically everyone who knew of the drama. Which included most of the school. (And even random people from other school that knew some of the gossip)
Then it got revealed that Sam had ONLINE SEX WITH MIKE AND RICH WHILE SAM WAS DATING BOTH OF THEM AND AFTER MIKE SUPPOSEDLY BLOCKED HER!!
And then it turns out that Sam, who is bisexual, called Richs gay BFF( I'll call him Matt) a gay bastard and the F-slur. TWICE.
Ans then it turns out, after Sam had cheated on Rich the first or second time, Rich started DATING MATT AND THEY ONLY BROKE UP BECAUSE RICH FELT GUILTY.
Then Sam and Rich got into a massive fight which lead to Rich attempting suicide again. Sam said, and i quote, "womp womp🙄" when told about Richs second sucide attempt and also then Rich told her that his cat had died.
They then broke up and he blocked her on everything.
I felt horrible. I felt like I shouldn't of told everyone what Sam did and I shouldn't of put myself into their relationship..
I felt really depressed and guilty and I thought (and still do) that it was all my fault..
I honestly think I'm the asshole and I shouldn't of done anything considering I don't have any dating experience at all and I don't have any of the disorders Sam or Rich has...
But I've always been told to get a second opinion on everything so I wanted to ask Reddit. (Not the most logical way to do it but I'm desperate af)
So Reddit, AITAH?
I'm sorry if the spelling or wording is off, I'm writing this at 3:13 am and I have school at 8:30. But I am desperate to hear someone else's opinion on this as I feel i am going insane. I'll try and answer any questions as best as I can.
(Ps. Sam has dyslexia and supposedly has adhd as well which she uses as an excuse for why she cheated and blamed Rich. She also used the excuse that her home life is terrible. Which it is. Rich has autism, adhd, bipolar, lack of awareness and is physically and metally abused by his parents. And before I forget, my mother was walking home from work one night and saw Sam HITTING her MOTHER with a stick and laughing about it)
I will honestly appreciate ANY help or opinion given on my situation..

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.

CANCER ZODIAC GETS MYSTERIOUS SURPRISE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXMEaNCO7FU
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I (23F) grew up in an extremely rural, non diverse area. When I was younger ( around 15) I moved to a more diverse area and started working at a chain resturant. One of my coworkers (25 Ish at the time) who was a black woman, always wore her hair natural but on this day she had straightened her hair. I am someone who compliments people a lot. If I see someone wearing something that I like, I will always go out of my way to give a quick “I love your shoes!” or “Your makeup looks beautiful!”. So, noticing that she had seemingly put in extra effort to do something new to her hair, naturally I said “You did your hair different! It looks pretty!” I didnt think twice of it, but she turned around, gave me the nastiest look, and said “Just an FYI, most black women actually DONT like it when you comment on straight hair.” I was taken aback, because I didnt mean to offend her, and because I didnt grow up in a diverse area, I had no idea that this would be seen as offensive. I gave her a quick apology, just saying “Im sorry, I didnt know that comment was offensive, thank you for letting me know.” I havent thought about that interaction in YEARS, seeing as Ive moved on in life, moved to a different city, and had many phases of life (graduating highschool, graduating college, starting my career, literally a lifetime) given its been nearly 8 years. Me and her are still mutuals on social media. I was scrolling through twitter when I saw that she had quote tweeted a post. The OG post was “What is the dumbest thing a YT person has ever told you?”, she quote tweeted the story, but added a lot of derogatory launguage about my weight at the time (I was nearly 200 pounds, I have since lost over 90 pounds), saying that the “fat white bitch needed to worry more about what she was eating than what I was doing to my hair.” I am genuinely confused. I understand now, as a woman in her early 20s with much more life under her belt, that its better to not comment on black peoples hair, but I really dont think this two second interaction that happened when she was in her mid twenties and when I was a sophomore in high school warranted this kind of hate. She also commented on my hair at the time (I went through an “emo phase”, deciding to dye my hair pink and black) saying that at least she could afford to go to a hair salon, instead of having to resort to “cheap ass” home methods. I am at a loss, we were pretty cool other than that small interaction and have not talked in years. AITA? Was my comment really that offensive?

I’ve been lurking here for a few years, trying to find ways to deal with my partners extreme mood swings and anger. This is my first post, so if that’s inappropriate, I’m sorry. I'm also sorry if the tone of this post is inappropriate, I just need to get it off my chest with people who may have experienced similar things. I want to also clarify that I know Bpd doesn’t MAKE you an ass, my ex just loved to use his diagnosis as a reason to abuse me and not take accountability for it.
He has a 9/9 presentation and it was constantly taken out on me. For 10 years. I feel like a few months ago I finally got the ick for how he was treating me and then eventually reached my boiling point and we had a blow-out fight a few days ago where I finally screamed and yelled at him. I really got in his face and didn’t let him not respond and just kept yelling. Then when he acted upset and hurt and “scared” by it I quoted him directly and went ”Oh, so I’m just NEVER allowed to be ANGRY?? Can’t ever have a negative emotion?” and he seemed to really not understand that that’s what he says about twice a week while he slams shit around the house and terrifies our pets and me. I can’t tell you how nice it was to let it all out. I don’t even care that I have to pack up 26 years of shit in 30 days because I just feel so awesome about not getting treated like that every day and waking up at 7am to him already being a whiny baby about nothing.
I feel so free. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt this relaxed and content in my life. I feel like I was developing more bpd symptoms the longer I endured his treatment and it already feels like it's melting away because I'm just out. I’m not paranoid anymore (cheated on me constantly - my friends literally think his secret gf is pregnant and that’s why he was fucking with me so bad the last few weeks 😂 to get me out of the house and move her in) I feel good about my body, I’m sleeping better than I have in years, and not to be nsfw, but without someone pawing at me 24 hours a day and constantly being vulgar towards me I FINALLY feel like my sex drive is coming back. I’ve literally only been out of his house for like 3 days and I already feel like that was months ago. I’m hanging out with new friends and enjoying going on nature walks and exercising without someone leering at me and trying to touch me. I’m excited to see what life is like away from the abuse he put me through constantly. I’m excited to just not be treated like shit and then get blamed for it cause he “can’t help it with his Bpd!” But then also won’t to therapy regularly, won’t take meds, won’t even do a goddamn work book on his own cause it’s “too hard” - as if being around someone who regularly acted like he couldn’t stand me was easy. Literally the only part about this I’m currently feeling negative about is the 3 pets who are used to me being home almost all the time and him working 12 hour shifts + sleep gives him maybe a few hours to care for them properly daily. They will suffer and be lonely and he will probably keep staying out til 2am anyways to get plastered with his divorced alcoholic “friend”that he claims to hate and cut off but always crawls back to, probably because he’s so similar to my exs own mother.
Everything just feels so exciting. I get to find a new place to live and decorate and unpack and organize only how I want to - nothing has to go on top shelves where I can’t reach. I can read without someone saying I’m “intentionally trying to seem busy so we can’t talk” I can watch tv shows and movies without someone walking in and getting butthurt cause they wanna watch it, too, now that I’m 4 seasons in or whatever. I can wear whatever I feel like and no one’s going to be gross about it in my own home. I don’t have to worry when he’s out with friends that they’re talking shit about me and instigating a fight without me even knowing - this spineless and easily swayed, angry man is gone from my life and I am FREE

As the title says let's be real! What bottle does everyone love but it's actually bottom shelf feel free to list your bottom middle and top shelf and this is solely based off of flavor and and mouthfeel not price. I'll go first with some that I've had that are actually bottom shelf or mid shell teetering to drop according to my taste buds.
First I'll say just to get some hate eagal rare yes I would say flavor wise it's mid-shelf but it's the bottom of that midshelf same for a Woodford double oak. Next up don't let people kid you it's cheap and it may be bang for buck but Evan Williams bottled in bond is in fact bottom shelf and Jim beam white label is bottom of the bottom.
Edit: I should mention what made me think of this. I was watching a video by "it's bourbon night" and they kind of let it slip and I've seen plenty of YouTubers do this with other whiskies. But they said knob Creek 9 tasted like bottom shelf. Lots of people rave about it say it's good I wish there was more transparency out there things may be good but are they bottom shelf. I'm tired of being tricked I don't want bottom shelf anymore. Yes I have had kc9 and thought it was good but that doesn't mean it's mid-shelf or top shelf quality

In fact,William should be hated.trying to kill your own daughter and 2 fetuses because you didn't want your grandkids to be related to a Russian that treats your own daughter better than you did and that's probably why she left after becoming 20..I wouldn't be surprised at all.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Since there was many people who decided to confront, harass, or downright misinterpret the message, I am putting out this open letter addressing every concern addressed to me holistically:
Open Letter to Faculty, Staff, Students, and the General Community Addressing Concerns Regarding the May 13th ASUW Newsletter
NOTE: These are my thoughts and feelings solely as Jacob Feleke, not intending to represent the ASUW.
I wanted to take a moment to thank you all for sharing your concerns about the recent ASUW newsletter. Your insights are invaluable, and they resonate deeply with my own commitment to promoting inclusive dialogue within our university community.

1. Malcolm X Quote: The acknowledgment of the sensitivity surrounding the use of a quote from Malcolm X, with the claims of anti-Semitic rhetoric in the past, struck a chord with me. As someone with Jewish ethnicity and Semitic myself, I fully understand the importance of ensuring that our messaging remains sensitive and respectful. However, I do want to include the fact that Malcom X began his transformation after his pilgrimage to Mecca in 1964, where he experienced and interacted with people from diverse racial backgrounds and realized faults within himself. Following his journey, Malcolm X underwent ideological shifts, moving away from separatist and divisive teachings. I do not include Malcom X to incite or aggravate, but rather to show the change people exhibit in their teachings. “Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve done” - Bryan Stevenson, Just Mercy.
2. Alleged Misuse of Power and Political Bias: I want to emphasize the significant impact of ASUW legislation, which, while not legally binding, influences every aspect of student life, from social functions to the allocation of student funds. As the democratic voice of students, ASUW engages the campus community through programming, services, and advocacy. We amplified the students who brought forward the divestment bill, which underwent rigorous (and a bit vociferous) questioning to reach its final form. The students who presented or supported the bill, some being Jewish themselves, were subjected to ad-hominem attacks being described as “self-hating” by students and described as “ignorant” by faculty and staff along with threats of not being able to find a job after college. Through their trials and tribulations, the approval of this bill by ASUW Student Senate and its presentation to the Board of Directors, and later the Board of Regents on May 9th, as Official Student Opinion underscores our commitment to representing student perspectives in our decision-making processes.
3. Portrayal of Conflict and use of the word 'martyr': I fully appreciate the significance of promoting balanced and respectful discourse. The emphasis on understanding and addressing the concerns of all members of our community has been an issue as the entire campus, and the world is virtually polarized. From the Black Student Union sit-in at Gerberding Hall in 1968, and the May 1970 Antiwar Strikes, these events on our campus occurring simultaneously with the rest of the world did indeed cause students to be martyred for their activism. I emphasize the term ‘martyr’ as we see other universities today engaging in increasing repudiation and silencing of students, which I fear may escalate to lives lost if matters escalate from outside agitators, law enforcement, or universities themselves.
4. Alleged Lack of Representation: The allegations regarding the lack of representation of Jewish students on the ASUW is quite frankly a matter that I am not at liberty to discuss, out of privacy for the students, nor is a well researched allegation. Again, as a semitic individual myself, with Jewish heritage, coupled with a Hebrew name ‘Jacob’, I share the dedication in ensuring that every student's voice is heard and represented within our student organizations. The calls for greater inclusivity and representation in the ASUW mirrors my own aspirations, for our own university community.
5. Questioning of the Peaceful Dialogue: The skepticism about the peaceful nature of the encampment protests underscores the urgent need for transparency and accountability within activist movements. I am deeply committed to ensuring that the activism in the ASUW is conducted in a manner that respects the rights and perspectives of all individuals. The concerns serve as a reminder of the importance of upholding principles of nonviolence and inclusivity in our advocacy efforts. We all want to support activism, and it's crucial to make sure it's done in a way that respects everyone's rights and opinions. In the same breath, I will not condone or tell students to stand silent when being harassed.

In summary, I am truly grateful for everyone's thoughtful critiques and the dedication to fostering a more inclusive and respectful dialogue within our university community. Your insights have sparked important reflections on the implications of our actions and messaging, and I eagerly anticipate working together with everyone to address these concerns constructively.
Sincerely,
Jacob Feleke

If you’re hearing this, then it means you’re all wearing pink & I’m not here anymore, please don’t cry 😢 it’s Okies ! In life we always have choices, this was mine!
No one commits suicide because they want to die." "Then why do they do it?" "Because they want to stop the pain.
There are so many things I will never have, I’ll never have someone to love me unconditionally, i will never have someone to wipe away my tears, hold my hand and weather every single storm, I’ll never be a mum, I’ll never grow old I will always be 35 & frozen in time! It takes so much more courage to continue to live than it does to decide to end your life, anyone that knows me, knows that I’m like the lion from the wizard of Oz, I’ve always been a bit of a coward, but The bravest thing I ever did was freezing myself in time before cryogenics was ever a thing!! my favourite Sylvia Plath quote is “The thought that I might kill myself formed in my mind coolly as a tree or a flower”
once the seed were planted the thought started to occupy my mind more and more until my mind was a greenhouse filled with the most beautiful stargazer & tiger Lillie’s at their roots was my demise!
Robert Harris once said, “suicide leaves everyone feeling guilty”, please don’t feel guilty this was completely my choice, nothing you could say or do would have stopped me, you all know how stubborn I am! I always believed in soulmates, the minute I lost mine, I knew that I would never find someone to love me like that again! I didn’t want to continue to go through life sad and resentful! I hate cats so it’s not like I could be a crazy cat lady, although I’m an amazing crazy person! Don’t be sad or angry at me for leaving, for there will always be a part of me with you in your heart, every time you see a butterfly I want you to smile fondly and think about how I’m finally free! Butterflies are sent from heaven to let us know that our loved ones are always thinking about us & believe me no matter where I am, I’ll always be thinking of all of you….Always!
Xxxxx

My gut is telling me that Kate is on life-support and is all but dead. It seems like William has moved on and hates having to play pretend that Kate is on the mend or getting treatment or what have you. Just at a loss for where Louis and Charlotte are. I think they saw things they shouldn’t have. Curious what psychics are picking up.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/ Hello! This is an essay analyzing the themes of FF7 Rebirth through a psychoanalytic lens, while also critiquing the execution of the game's writing. Moreover, it's a personal reflection on my journey with the game, and the complicated feelings that got tangled up with that. Please give it a read if you have the chance.
Previous articles: FF7: Reflections of a Traumatized Generation (2020)
I Need to Talk about Final Fantasy VII Remake or My Head Will Explode (2021)
Excerpt: “A confluence of worlds… and emotions. Loss, chief among them. It engulfs fleeting moments of joy, transforming them into rage, sadness, hatred.”
– Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024), speaking to me, specifically
*The following contains spoilers*
I. Memoirs of a Neurotic Fan
Hoo boy.
It’s been a long four years since Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) released, and I don’t think I have ever before devoted so much emotional energy to deciphering how I truly feel about a piece of media. Initially, I enjoyed my return to a reimagined world of lovable characters, but unfavorable writing choices and a mind-boggling finale left me feeling torn. Despite striving to maintain an optimistic outlook at the end of my previous essay, my perspective on the game only darkened as the years wore on. Developer interviews constantly oscillated back and forth as to whether they would remain faithful to the original FF7 (1997), or, as the ending of Remake indicated, strike out on a brand new “unknown journey.” That’s not to mention the downright radioactive discourse among fans, combined with the litany of harassing messages I received for the most tepid criticisms.
Eventually, I grew to despise Remake. The positive emotions and ecstatic love I had for parts of the game sunk beneath my waves of ire toward its creative divergences – as well as what they represented to me. And I fed that hate. I hated its ponderous navel-gazing about the nature of adaptations. I hated its self-congratulatory insinuation that asinine story decisions like the “Baby’s-First-Metacommentary” Whispers and the resurrection of multiple deceased characters somehow constituted “bold” storytelling. I hated the uncritical portion of certain audiences that fell for this illusion of transgressive storytelling, all the while embracing a game that went out of its way to barrage the player with fanservice and puerile pandering. I hated the frequent argumentation that “it’s not a remake, it’s a sequel” was somehow seen as a mitigating factor, when it actually further aggravated my problems with it. I hated Remake’s emphasis on novelty, its subversion without meaning, its arrogant alienation of new audiences that wanted to experience a classic story, and its implicitly cynical view on thousands of years of storytelling tradition for the sake of “surprise.” To quote director Naoki Hamaguchi:
“When you try to remake a game and make it an entertaining game, having the exact storyline as the original would lack the excitement and surprise. I was looking for an essence to add to the story, and Zack was chosen to be this essence because in the original, there wasn’t much story about Zack, but in Crisis Core, he had a huge character development.”
But that lonely ember of hope persisted; after all, I had loved Remake at one point. I hated that stubborn attachment most of all. By the time Rebirth was fully unveiled, I wanted only one thing from it: to repulse me to my core, to be something so egregiously offensive to my sensibilities that I could never associate the project with anything positive again. “Perhaps if things get stupid enough,” I thought, “others will also see the emperor’s nakedness.” Pain and despair morphed into objects of desire for me. They were my keys to escaping these contradictory feelings of love and hate.
As you can see, I am quite well-adjusted and able to engage with art in a healthy way.
Continue Reading

Is it just a Bobby Portis quote that caught fire? Now all the fanbases say it? Who celebrates when they are losing a game? 99% of all celebrations happen in sports when things are going well. I hate this narrative mostly because it makes no sense.

https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/ Hello! This is an essay analyzing the themes of FF7 Rebirth through a psychoanalytic lens, while also critiquing the execution of the game's writing. Moreover, it's a personal reflection on my journey with the game, and the complicated feelings that got tangled up with that. Please give it a read if you have the chance.
Previous articles: FF7: Reflections of a Traumatized Generation (2020)
I Need to Talk about Final Fantasy VII Remake or My Head Will Explode (2021)
Excerpt: “A confluence of worlds… and emotions. Loss, chief among them. It engulfs fleeting moments of joy, transforming them into rage, sadness, hatred.”
– Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024), speaking to me, specifically
*The following contains spoilers*
I. Memoirs of a Neurotic Fan
Hoo boy.
It’s been a long four years since Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) released, and I don’t think I have ever before devoted so much emotional energy to deciphering how I truly feel about a piece of media. Initially, I enjoyed my return to a reimagined world of lovable characters, but unfavorable writing choices and a mind-boggling finale left me feeling torn. Despite striving to maintain an optimistic outlook at the end of my previous essay, my perspective on the game only darkened as the years wore on. Developer interviews constantly oscillated back and forth as to whether they would remain faithful to the original FF7 (1997), or, as the ending of Remake indicated, strike out on a brand new “unknown journey.” That’s not to mention the downright radioactive discourse among fans, combined with the litany of harassing messages I received for the most tepid criticisms.
Eventually, I grew to despise Remake. The positive emotions and ecstatic love I had for parts of the game sunk beneath my waves of ire toward its creative divergences – as well as what they represented to me. And I fed that hate. I hated its ponderous navel-gazing about the nature of adaptations. I hated its self-congratulatory insinuation that asinine story decisions like the “Baby’s-First-Metacommentary” Whispers and the resurrection of multiple deceased characters somehow constituted “bold” storytelling. I hated the uncritical portion of certain audiences that fell for this illusion of transgressive storytelling, all the while embracing a game that went out of its way to barrage the player with fanservice and puerile pandering. I hated the frequent argumentation that “it’s not a remake, it’s a sequel” was somehow seen as a mitigating factor, when it actually further aggravated my problems with it. I hated Remake’s emphasis on novelty, its subversion without meaning, its arrogant alienation of new audiences that wanted to experience a classic story, and its implicitly cynical view on thousands of years of storytelling tradition for the sake of “surprise.” To quote director Naoki Hamaguchi:
“When you try to remake a game and make it an entertaining game, having the exact storyline as the original would lack the excitement and surprise. I was looking for an essence to add to the story, and Zack was chosen to be this essence because in the original, there wasn’t much story about Zack, but in Crisis Core, he had a huge character development.”
But that lonely ember of hope persisted; after all, I had loved Remake at one point. I hated that stubborn attachment most of all. By the time Rebirth was fully unveiled, I wanted only one thing from it: to repulse me to my core, to be something so egregiously offensive to my sensibilities that I could never associate the project with anything positive again. “Perhaps if things get stupid enough,” I thought, “others will also see the emperor’s nakedness.” Pain and despair morphed into objects of desire for me. They were my keys to escaping these contradictory feelings of love and hate.
As you can see, I am quite well-adjusted and able to engage with art in a healthy way.
Continue Reading

https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/ Hello! This is an essay analyzing the themes of FF7 Rebirth through a psychoanalytic lens, while also critiquing the execution of the game's writing. Moreover, it's a personal reflection on my journey with the game, and the complicated feelings that got tangled up with that. Please give it a read if you have the chance.
Previous articles: FF7: Reflections of a Traumatized Generation (2020)
I Need to Talk about Final Fantasy VII Remake or My Head Will Explode (2021)
Excerpt: “A confluence of worlds… and emotions. Loss, chief among them. It engulfs fleeting moments of joy, transforming them into rage, sadness, hatred.”
– Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024), speaking to me, specifically
*The following contains spoilers*
I. Memoirs of a Neurotic Fan
Hoo boy.
It’s been a long four years since Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) released, and I don’t think I have ever before devoted so much emotional energy to deciphering how I truly feel about a piece of media. Initially, I enjoyed my return to a reimagined world of lovable characters, but unfavorable writing choices and a mind-boggling finale left me feeling torn. Despite striving to maintain an optimistic outlook at the end of my previous essay, my perspective on the game only darkened as the years wore on. Developer interviews constantly oscillated back and forth as to whether they would remain faithful to the original FF7 (1997), or, as the ending of Remake indicated, strike out on a brand new “unknown journey.” That’s not to mention the downright radioactive discourse among fans, combined with the litany of harassing messages I received for the most tepid criticisms.
Eventually, I grew to despise Remake. The positive emotions and ecstatic love I had for parts of the game sunk beneath my waves of ire toward its creative divergences – as well as what they represented to me. And I fed that hate. I hated its ponderous navel-gazing about the nature of adaptations. I hated its self-congratulatory insinuation that asinine story decisions like the “Baby’s-First-Metacommentary” Whispers and the resurrection of multiple deceased characters somehow constituted “bold” storytelling. I hated the uncritical portion of certain audiences that fell for this illusion of transgressive storytelling, all the while embracing a game that went out of its way to barrage the player with fanservice and puerile pandering. I hated the frequent argumentation that “it’s not a remake, it’s a sequel” was somehow seen as a mitigating factor, when it actually further aggravated my problems with it. I hated Remake’s emphasis on novelty, its subversion without meaning, its arrogant alienation of new audiences that wanted to experience a classic story, and its implicitly cynical view on thousands of years of storytelling tradition for the sake of “surprise.” To quote director Naoki Hamaguchi:
“When you try to remake a game and make it an entertaining game, having the exact storyline as the original would lack the excitement and surprise. I was looking for an essence to add to the story, and Zack was chosen to be this essence because in the original, there wasn’t much story about Zack, but in Crisis Core, he had a huge character development.”
But that lonely ember of hope persisted; after all, I had loved Remake at one point. I hated that stubborn attachment most of all. By the time Rebirth was fully unveiled, I wanted only one thing from it: to repulse me to my core, to be something so egregiously offensive to my sensibilities that I could never associate the project with anything positive again. “Perhaps if things get stupid enough,” I thought, “others will also see the emperor’s nakedness.” Pain and despair morphed into objects of desire for me. They were my keys to escaping these contradictory feelings of love and hate.
As you can see, I am quite well-adjusted and able to engage with art in a healthy way.
Continue Reading

https://planckstorytime.wordpress.com/ Hello! This is an essay analyzing the themes of FF7 Rebirth through a psychoanalytic lens, while also critiquing the execution of the game's writing. Moreover, it's a personal reflection on my journey with the game, and the complicated feelings that got tangled up with that. Please give it a read if you have the chance.
Previous articles: FF7: Reflections of a Traumatized Generation (2020)
I Need to Talk about Final Fantasy VII Remake or My Head Will Explode (2021)
Excerpt: “A confluence of worlds… and emotions. Loss, chief among them. It engulfs fleeting moments of joy, transforming them into rage, sadness, hatred.”
– Sephiroth, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth (2024), speaking to me, specifically
*The following contains spoilers\*
I. Memoirs of a Neurotic Fan
Hoo boy.
It’s been a long four years since Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) released, and I don’t think I have ever before devoted so much emotional energy to deciphering how I truly feel about a piece of media. Initially, I enjoyed my return to a reimagined world of lovable characters, but unfavorable writing choices and a mind-boggling finale left me feeling torn. Despite striving to maintain an optimistic outlook at the end of my previous essay, my perspective on the game only darkened as the years wore on. Developer interviews constantly oscillated back and forth as to whether they would remain faithful to the original FF7 (1997), or, as the ending of Remake indicated, strike out on a brand new “unknown journey.” That’s not to mention the downright radioactive discourse among fans, combined with the litany of harassing messages I received for the most tepid criticisms.
Eventually, I grew to despise Remake. The positive emotions and ecstatic love I had for parts of the game sunk beneath my waves of ire toward its creative divergences – as well as what they represented to me. And I fed that hate. I hated its ponderous navel-gazing about the nature of adaptations. I hated its self-congratulatory insinuation that asinine story decisions like the “Baby’s-First-Metacommentary” Whispers and the resurrection of multiple deceased characters somehow constituted “bold” storytelling. I hated the uncritical portion of certain audiences that fell for this illusion of transgressive storytelling, all the while embracing a game that went out of its way to barrage the player with fanservice and puerile pandering. I hated the frequent argumentation that “it’s not a remake, it’s a sequel” was somehow seen as a mitigating factor, when it actually further aggravated my problems with it. I hated Remake’s emphasis on novelty, its subversion without meaning, its arrogant alienation of new audiences that wanted to experience a classic story, and its implicitly cynical view on thousands of years of storytelling tradition for the sake of “surprise.” To quote director Naoki Hamaguchi:
“When you try to remake a game and make it an entertaining game, having the exact storyline as the original would lack the excitement and surprise. I was looking for an essence to add to the story, and Zack was chosen to be this essence because in the original, there wasn’t much story about Zack, but in Crisis Core, he had a huge character development.”
But that lonely ember of hope persisted; after all, I had loved Remake at one point. I hated that stubborn attachment most of all. By the time Rebirth was fully unveiled, I wanted only one thing from it: to repulse me to my core, to be something so egregiously offensive to my sensibilities that I could never associate the project with anything positive again. “Perhaps if things get stupid enough,” I thought, “others will also see the emperor’s nakedness.” Pain and despair morphed into objects of desire for me. They were my keys to escaping these contradictory feelings of love and hate.
As you can see, I am quite well-adjusted and able to engage with art in a healthy way.
Continue Reading