I'm someone born in the late '70s. But I feel like I should have been born in the 1940s. I wish I never lived to see this era at all.
As a kid, I had all the 'fancy' 80s tech. digital clock radio, 13" TV, NES, all the Speak n' stuff (Spell and Math) a TI-99/4A computer with like 50 or so game carts. I had an IBM PC XT later on. But I spent a lot of time with my great grandparents because both my parents worked for a living and were in the medicine (dad a doctor and mom a nurse) so they would attend long medical conferences leaving me for weeks with my great grandparents. Their home was stuck in the 1950s--black and white two-knob console TV, record players, AM radios only, flip clocks, old school belt-driven 50s fridge, the entire house was a time capsule to the 50s. I always enjoyed it there. I would find old stuff they had far more interesting than so-called 'modern' (as in 80s and 90s) stuff.
That still holds true today. My home is a trip back to the 50s-60s combined with parts of the 90s-2000s (can't go all the way back--can't even find a console TV these days, not able to find old replacements for EVERYTHING) I work as a mechanic (same as my great grandad) and use only vintage tools (including metal drills and power tools from the 50s--like really ancient Craftsman stuff) and try the hardest to stick to old Made in USA leftovers I find in vendor malls. I just love old things and can't stand new things.
Then smartphones happened. I resisted as long as I could, holding onto a late 90s Nokia 5185i into late 2010 until its battery and all the leftover batteries I came across could no longer hold charge, and boss handed me a iPhone 3GS and said 'use this or you're fired'. I then fell into the rabbit hole that was smartphones for a few years (made easier due to the rather fun to use skeuomorphic UI at the time)
Then in 2013 and 2014 the UI became flat, boring, and empty. I tried hard to cling to really old phones like an HTC Thunderbolt that could do calls/texts and play offline songs just fine (which is all I wanted to do anyway so it was a great detox tool) plus it looked neat compared to the sea of black slabs everywhere. But in 2022, they shut down the network it used and now I'm stuck with a 'modern' one. I would give it up and tried, but I unfortunately live in an area that decided to make everything digital to the point you can't exist without the latest phone and 'apps.'
Go the library this sub said in past posts...Can't. They demolished our old library and built a 5000K-lit, brutalist modern one in its place. Even the card catalogue is digital, and you need a darn smartphone app to check anything out as they don't do library cards anymore.
Can't find an old boxy landyacht car either. I am stuck with a 2005 Saturn I hate, and it blends into the sea of modern cars. At least it lacks the garbage known as infotainment--I am driving to the park, not landing on Mars. But still, I would prefer an old '70s car that rides like a cloud over something I feel every bump in the road in. But nothing earlier than 1999 exists anymore (thanks for nothing, Obama with your damned Cash for Clunkers)
Can't shop normally either as everything there is digital. Kroger and Walmart are ditching cash as an option and hardly open up a non-self checkout anymore. Dollar Tree has banned using cash entirely. Every store in my immediate area is a modern, brightly lit, retina-searing hospital clinic.
The only salvation I have is a small 'pocket town' (see: Mayberry) that's 20 miles from me that still looks straight out of the '60s. Gas station with mechanical pumps, grocery store that is so old it's got wood floors and is built like Sam Drucker's from the Green Acres series. But sadly everything I need isn't available there (such as rabbit feed for my pets, or vegan alternatives for myself, or an auto parts store, hardware store).
I tried and failed to find closer or other pocket towns like it. But I would be happy back in the '60s, but can't go back. Society forces me into this digital hellscape without a means of escape. They are already talking about 'smart shopping carts' with screens on them. Yet another screen in our faces we never needed.
"Listen to the radio" they said. I got an AM radio, straight out of the 50s at home, tubes and all, Two of them one in the kitchen and one in the garage. A late 60s Zenith with clock at work. But what's on the radio? Well, you got two choices, classic rock or classic country. Which would be nice enough if not for one thing--the DJs tend to talk about 'modern' society that breaks the illusion--such as mentioning their app, Facebook or the like, or bring up statistics or blerbs about up and coming tech like the aforementioned shopping carts. Things like that make me want to be dead before 2030 (yea I read that book, Covid 19 the Great Reset and it looks like that is happening as we speak and it ain't a conspiracy theory!!!)
I want so badly for society to go back to the 50s technologically, wishing for someone to set off and EMP to wake everyone up from the matrix, but it ain't happening. The solar storms didn't even make a dent. What can I do? Everyone is a smartphone zombie, nobody can even utter the phrase 'i do not know' because they just google it on their phone in front of me. Even folks older than me (who should know better) are sucked into them, including my mother.

i think i have visual snow as the posts match up to what i have im just confused and for a long time i thought i was going blind i can see static but i can see through it if it makes sense if i close my eyes it doest go black it goes dark static pixely and there like floater thingys when my eyes arent closed i can see well relatively well as im short sighted it gets prominent when im in my toilet and everything is white in my pheripherals theres like shadows there and idk how to explain it its shadowy but i can see the thing is if i look into a mirror i can see pretty well but if i look at white or lightly toned things there slight pixelation and shadows wtf do i do this predates any drugs ive taken and all ive done is taken a weed vape once ive had this for like 2 years mildly but its more prominent now
edit: didnt realise this also due to visual snow but for extra info i do have brain fog and extremely rarely ill have stuff move when it doesnt move it happens at night rarely

As much acclaim as Hendrix gets for his phenomenal playing, (at the time) new techniques and theories in recording and his development of some of rock and rolls effects (crybaby, Fuzzface, rotovibe, etc etc), there is one aspect of his career that often goes discussed and did eventually lead to his death. In addition to the song “Manic Depression” Jimi’s often three to four day recording sessions had many people convinced that he was in fact manic depressive, or, bi-polar. During the building of Electric Lady Land Studio and the recording of the Electric Lady Land album it was rumored he went two weeks without any sleep before crashing into his one bedroom Manhattan apartment, that was painted solid black and had all the windows covered to keep out the light. Inside the right hand side of his cape, was an inside pocket. Here he kept a small plastic baby bottle with screw on/off nipple-top. Inside he had pure methadrine crystals, or, crystal methamphetamine. Yes, we’ve all heard the rumors of his experimentations with LSD, but, face it; No one is functioning good enough on acid to orchestrate music as timeless as Hendrix’s. He does hint at it in “Manic Depression” and “Burning of the Midnight Lamp” and in live concert footage he always seems to be chewing on something although he never has anything in his mouth. His death came about when he realized he hadn’t slept in four days and had a 10:00AM flight the next morning. Being he hadn’t ate in a while, he had an empty stomach. The hotel he died at had provided him with a bottle of champagne upon the arrival to his room. He ordered a package of sleep-aid from the concessionaire. Those old sleep-aids were very similar to Alka-Seltzer, as in they were and alkaline effervescent tablet sized with antihistamines among other things. The carbonation of the champagne mixed with the fizzy bubbles of the sleep-aid caused his affixiation resulting in his death. I know everyone seems to wanna run down anyone they even suspect of being in meth. It’s the popular type of person society can all rally together and cast aside, belittle and insult. But, as you can clearly see and hear, not all meth addicts are stealing building materials cans trying to sell TV’s they found in a dumpster. Not all of them are living with dangerous combustible labs in their house that go up in flames while they are plowing their sister. Some are just troubled artists, mechanics and lawyers and ER doctors. Fighter jet pilots and special forces personnel. Truck drivers and cooks at Denny’s. Tired people trying to keep up with a world that constantly demands MORE! More time. More service. More cowbell, and, more sleep.

Anyone know any good magic focused romance books where both the heroine and the hero's magic powers are powerful but different from eachother. Bonus: prefer elemental magic
I already know a song of wraiths and ruin.
I already know fit for the throne series
I want the fmc to be black but hero can be any race.

I don't necessarily like venting to my family or the little friends I have anymore about this since I don't want them to know how weak of a person I am because this breakup killed me back when it first happened. This all basically starts in 2019, I had just graduated highschool, started college in the fall and was heading into 3 years of being with my at the time highschool bf, now ex, and things were kind of weird. Maybe it was the high emotions of being launched into adulthood or maybe I was going insane who knows, either way I started getting really depressed that summer. So many things were happening all at the same time like my cat dying/running away, losing friends, health issues, etc. and it felt like the order of my world was crashing down. I felt crazy because I also felt like a child with so much on my plate and to be quite honest I still do. I loved my ex boyfriend I really did and I still have some love for him present day but we had already had some tensions built up from previous matters that I started just piling and piling up in my head and there was only so much more I could take honestly. The first time he really broke a piece of me was when I had to go to a scholarship acceptance banquet and they completely fucked me over so I left crying and since I went there expecting to eat I left hungry so I went to get food and drove to see him after his shift and we ate in my car or more like he ate in my car while I cried and he kind of listened because in the middle of ranting he turned up the music in the car because "it was a good song", mind you I was still crying. After this anything he did that slightly pissed me off started getting added into my pile of grievances. Also in my eyes after we graduated from Highschool he did start to seem distant at times, one of the habits he grew was constantly being on his phone while on dates, sometimes even texting a girl I told him to block because I felt insecure. I know what you are probably thinking, another girl that just won't let her boyfriend have a chick friend. You know yea basically but one thing that got me really insecure is he would constantly play games with girls and be all chummy with them but when I asked to play it was always "maybe later" and well later never came except for one time when he asked me to play minecraft with him so I bought minecraft just to play,even though I know it gives me severe motion sickness, and we played for maybe 30 minutes until he was tired left and we never played again even when I asked for it. After a couple more incidents of him just not caring about my feelings I won't lie my eyes did start to wander off of him a little, I never acted on this because this really scared me due to being with my ex for so long and only knowing him and all I could think of was how could I possibly be so cruel and just leave him like that, so I continued to stay and at this time I still had the motivation to work things out. A couple months pass and I am still pretty depressed and suddenly I start having this feeling of no emotion at all. I feel like maybe this is what some might call desensitization but I haven't looked into it all that much. I felt like I couldn't feel happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety, basically any emotion I had ever encountered was now gone out of nowhere even love was gone. This loss of emotion affected everyone around me not just my ex, I literally didn't even love my parents, that is how bad it was. Our anniversary passes and I'm going through out it but we make it to 2020. Of course like most people this is where shit starts going south because well 2020 was the year of the pandemic. I'm in my second semester of freshman year and I'm still struggling internally without telling anyone about what I am going through mentally. Worst thing about this was that I could barely tell my ex about it because he in the past made fun of his best friend for having to be in a psych ward, which was another addition to the pile might I add. Due to the nature of him casting me and my emotions aside once the pandemic was in full swing I slowly implemented my way of casting him aside slowly but surely to give him a taste of his own medicine. Was this petty yea but did I do it... yea. So during the pandemic of course we would talk but I spent more time playing games, doing exercise/losing weight, and getting back into my hobbies. At this time I don't think it bothered him that much because I was still giving him his doses of attention and he was giving me mine so like whatever I suppose. But then at some point during this shift I remember being on snapchat after hours after he said he had gone to bed and checking where all my friends were on snapmaps, and thats when I see him in the middle of a parking lot alone around 2-3am in the morning. I start trying to make rational thoughts like maybe thats the last place he was when he opened snapchat before going home to bed so I just snap him out of curiosity and I can't remember what I said but it was something along the lines of "i cant sleep miss you send a pic" and he opens it right away and I really couldn't tell where he was in the picture. I open the snap map again and he's still in the parking lot and I ask him what he is doing and he just says trying to sleep. Obviously not.... To this day I don't know what was up with that, sometimes I want to think he was maybe getting weed or something late at night but lying to me because neither of us did substances of any kind at that time but I suspect he was cheating maybe. This was like a huge break in my sanity and after this I became even more distant and sometimes I wouldn't even text him during the day and sometimes he would do the same for me too. Something completely snapped in me a couple of weeks later and when he was hanging out with his friends I decided I needed to call a break. I think this is truly where I messed up and where things could've gone positively for me if I didn't do what I did next. We met up a day later and he was crying while I explained to him everything I had/was going through and how all the things he did were finally getting to me and I remember looking at him crying and feeling nothing but telling him it was a break and that I just needed time to think and that we would more than likely get back together. The beginning of this break was like heaven to me. I felt pure bliss and it felt like everything that was wrong had washed away in an instance. I remember sunbathing outside with my cousins maybe a day or two after that meet up and just being so happy about just breathing outside. I don't remember texting my ex that first week much as my dad had also gone through emergency surgery and I was dealing with that. Second week we started just checking up on eachother a little and third week I think is when we met up and I once again told him we would get back together soon and it didn't feel like a bad idea anymore to be honest. I genuinely think I just needed a little time and space. After that we saw eachother once a week and we'd just chill and talk and at some point we started getting physical with eachother again and genuinely I felt pretty good about getting back together this time around. One of the last times I spoke to him in a loving way I remember him not having his glasses on and telling him how glad I was to be able to see his eyes without glasses on and how pretty his green eyes were... Then the next week we broke up because I found him, in my opinion, emotionally cheating on me with someone over the internet, which he denied. The way I reacted to finding this out was crazy, I felt so insane and don't even understand all the things I said and did but I did them. I was pissed off at myself because there was no way I had let myself get vulnerable all over again with him and regaining my emotions just for him to fuck me over like that. I was utterly devastated, especially thinking that I couldve broken up with him and ended up emotionally okay but then I let him break up with me. This breakup was a huge rift in our circles, my friends hated him, his friends hated him and some of them even asked me out after this, which was weird and still is considering these people are still friends with him but I digress. Although at the time of our breakup he acted like there was potential for us dating again and how he would always have a place in his heart for me he actually moved on rather quickly to the person I caught him texting. Felt like I gave him so many chances but he gave me zero. If anyones gone through a breakup they know that deep sinking feeling straight in the chest. I felt that shit from June to November nonstop everyday. I was going insane being in my own body. I became anemic and developed an ED because of how little I was eating. My mom tells me about how when I slept in her and my dads room the first month she would watch me sleep because she could see how much of a toll the breakup took on me, she said it looked like my eyes had completely sunken in and that my collar bone looked like it was cutting through me. Basically I looked like a walking lifeless corpse was how bad I took it. I won't lie I stalked my ex hardcore the next couple months because I couldn't fathom him being so happy when I was in so much pain. Thankfully once my birthday arrived I didn't feel as bad anymore and I was able to celebrate with a smile on my face with my family. Once 2021 hit I vowed to let go and stop checking up on him and start living my life and it was honestly going really good... at first. Because once I stopped stalking him he decided to make multiple accounts to stalk me. I immediately knew it was him and I won't lie I entertained it, I enjoyed the attention I received from someone who now probably regretted his decision. I let it go on a little until I sabotaged it, because in my mind if I exposed him to his partner at the time maybe just maybe he would come back to me. WRONG COMPLETELY WRONG. He lied his way out of getting into trouble somehow after I confronted him and his partner at the time and it left me feeling more drained than ever. This time it started a downward spiral for me so bad that I had to start antidepressants and to this day I still take. Yet after all of this I still miss him. I know I am weak and stupid and everything else inbetween but that's just who I am. I hate myself for wasting my early twenties to being depressed over this but I can't do anything about it now. I've been single ever since and he's on his second partner now since me. I didn't start finding people attractive again until the middle of 2023 and since then I have entertained the idea of bumble and tinder but I cannot fathom it. I want an organic relationship with some new but sometimes I want lovers to enemies to lovers again with me ex idk. The only reason I'm venting about this was because I went on facebook and one of my friends memories had him in middle school in it and I lost it. Hope someone can be entertained by my stupid love story or maybe someone can feel not so alone in this evil love filled world.
also I kept some things out because I don't want to embarrass myself more than I already have

Soft piano love song…bird cover art. Upbeat house…bird. Heavy metal…bird in black and white. Psychedelic synth wave…neon bird! I guess it’s good that suno is focused on the music generator and not the image generator. Just cracks me up seeing all these musical fowl.

(For anyone who doesn't want to read this whole thing, how do you differentiate Techno, especially newer techno since it sounds nothing like the old stuff?)
I am posting here since well I'm not active in the Techno subreddit and don't know anything about Techno besides the sounds and the fact Gabber is Hardcore Techno
For all of you who are into Techno:
Energy Flash - Joey Beltram
Can anyone explain to me Techno because I come from Hard-dance and Breakbeat subgenres/genres and recently stumbled across a song called 20 Hz, I knew it was techno but after a deep dive on the history and old school techno, it sounds super different compared to what people call techno now, old school sounds very heavy on the drum machine tr909-808-303 type sound, examples:
Vamp - Outlander
Wisdom to the wise (Red 2) - Dave Clarke
comparing that to newer songs, obviously some artists are different subgenres like Hardtek, Hard Techno, Minimal Techno, ect. but I've never really learned why new artists sound so different, obviously you have a leap in technology and music production but still what happened to the early sounds of techno, why does modern techno sound so different, and how can I differentiate between the styles?
Sound S66 vs Orion
I am not against newer techno and I actually enjoy a lot of it but what I've realized is old techno has a charm newer doesn't it could just be my taste in music since I've always enjoyed this type of music.
Jump Off the Fuck-in' Roof - Carpenter
Ninedump - The Flashbulb
Newer Techno/Hard Techno/Hardtek just feels super repetitive and feels like the same song again and again with a little bit of a twist.
(Sorry for the incoherent mess of a post, it's not really clear what I was trying to ask, but how would one differentiate Techno now since newer stuff really sound like their own genre, correct me if any of this is wrong I'd love to learn more about the genre)
Side note: I do know the warehouse sounds and other things are a big give away especially 303 sounds but sometimes I don't know DVS1 Black russian was one I was super confused about until I was told it's minimal techno

Gimme Black Forest Cake, Vanilla Crazy Cake, all the cakes listed in Hey Two! (Cake at Stake song) and all cakes listed in GLaDOS' psychotic breakdown (except Black Forest Cake and Vanilla Crazy Cake)

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PRs: u/anakist & u/BroDogIsMyName
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It had been a few weeks since Altier was brought to the run-down shack that his black-scaled companion likely called home, and he could now comfortably say he was accustomed to the…household’s routine. The kobold typically left at the crack of dawn, returned a little after noon, and occasionally left again to forage until nightfall. When the weather was bad or there wasn’t a particular need for something, they half-heartedly chased their rabbit around for a bit, which usually ended with a bout of quiet petting while everyone got ready for the night. It was always amusing to see the energetic side of what he had come to know as a relatively lazy loaf of an animal. As for the routine of the ferrorabbit in question… Well…it was at least more interesting than expected.
Hoppit would begin his own series of activities as soon as his caretaker left—the first of which being a check of every nook and cranny in the shed. He sniffed at anything that caught his interest, varying from morning to morning, but he gave every object or corner its due attention. Once he was satisfied with that, he would eat some of the ragged plants that made up most of his diet, take a drink from his bowl, then jump onto the tro— table and plop himself down, his ears pivoting towards the door. It was hard to say if the lounging spot had been established before Altier’s arrival, but it was somewhat amusing to pretend that the little rabbit was standing guard over his core—if it wasn’t for one particular part of the morning ritual, that is.
Indeed, the ferrorabbit had a habit of licking the obsidian orb that sat in the middle of the room, which thankfully didn’t seem to perturb the system enough to give Altier a headache. He was confused when it first happened, but it was commonplace enough now that he barely acknowledged it. A part of him liked that he was getting attention as a core, even if it was delivered via a strange grooming method. The closest he got to being acknowledged as something other than ‘the dungeon’ was through an unfortunate misunderstanding that he could never properly rectify. He supposed that was hardly worth thinking about now, though; too much time had passed for there to be anyone left to correct. The little oddity of his mornings would have to suffice.
There wasn’t much to comment on as far as the rest of the day’s happenings. Hoppit would end his loafing by shaking his head and ears in a way that filled the silence with soft clacks, give the core a customary tongue bath, then jump off the table to nose his way out of the shed through a hole that was hidden by the storage cart against the wall. Where the rabbit went was anyone’s guess, but he always returned before anyone noticed he was gone, and often did so while covered in small cuts and scratches. Any blood from the lacerations was quickly licked off before it could be seen by the kobold, and in the event that the scaly caretaker happened to return earlier than expected, Hoppit would scurry over to the bundles of blankets to finish the cleanup in secret.
Today looked to be following the usual pattern. The kobold left bright and early with various gardening tools and a wooden pail, and Hoppit had since set off into the great unknown for one reason or another. Hopefully, he returned less injured than usual. It was frustrating to admit that Altier had begun to grow rather fond of the fluffy creature, and seeing the thing come back hurt was bothersome. Was it off looking for food? There wasn’t a whole lot given to it, so that was a possibility, and it could be getting into fights over whatever it found. That still didn’t explain why the animal was so thin, and Altier didn’t have enough to go off of to think of a potential solution. He wanted to help it in some way, like by summoning a creature to act as an escort, or maybe just by manifesting something edible like he once could. No, he could only stare at the ‘Synchronizing…’ that occupied his menu, wishing he had more information to work with.
He never thought he would miss the bombardment of notifications and their lingering presence that filled the edge of his mental vision; at least with that he could surmise enough to hazard some kind of action. Even knowing why the menu was acting the way it did would be a start. Yet, try as he might, there wasn’t a history for him to reference anymore, and he had nothing to work with. He was confident the last message had asked him to ‘accept’ something, then took his befuddled ponderance as an answer, but he was no closer to an explanation for what it wanted, nor why it prompted him in the first place. He just didn’t have another experience to compare against, since nothing like that had ever happened before. Not that he was ever in much of a position to allow it.
The entire purpose of having Altier inhabit a core was for him to become a dungeon of Decay, which entailed all the skeletons, poisons, acids, and whatever else came to mind when one pictured the concept. ‘Living’ creatures were something he only had the chance to experiment with near the beginning of his new existence, though he never dabbled past the first few insects before transitioning to the mindless undead. Having a thinking, feeling, breathing entity touch his core was a rite reserved only for the adventurers and soldiers that bested his trials, and that was usually a painful experience. Now, he had spent what he could only guess was hours being held by a kobold, followed by having a rabbit bump against him, and neither felt like what he came to expect. Instead, both had led to a completely novel reaction from the system. The strange circumstances put him at a bit of a loss as to what it all meant for him.
Sure, he could dismiss the deluge of errors from his companion’s involvement by pointing to the numerous ‘corrupted’ messages before it, and Hoppit was a part of mostly unexplored territory, but the lack of clarity nagged at the back of his mind constantly. Being exposed to activity after potential decades or centuries of unchanging solitude made him despise the informational dead end. If he couldn’t make sense of the rabbit’s circumstances, then he didn’t have much hope of deciphering the reason for why his system was misbehaving so terribly. He also didn't know much about the one who owned the decrepit holdings he was housed inside.
He still wasn’t sure what drove the kobold to take him from the cave. His suspicion of becoming traded goods fell flat after the first week or so, and he hadn’t noticed any cult-like behaviour, which was promising. Granted, a lack of nefarious behaviour didn’t mean there was a lack of nefarious intent, but he didn’t get the impression his companion held that either. The kobold itself didn’t seem quite settled on an opinion of his core, though it was up for debate if the hesitation was due to knowing what he was or not. They seemed to mull something over before bed each night, yet never reached a satisfactory conclusion, staring at the obsidian orb through weary grey eyes until they eventually forced themselves into sleep.
Whatever the underlying reasoning for his abduction was, he had observed enough to know that the kobold didn’t deserve to live in destitution. As beaten as the shed might be, they cared for it as best they could, and did so without a single groan or grimace of complaint. The floors were cleaned with a tattered rag and fresh water, dust was removed regularly, and any stray mess that Hoppit made was dealt with promptly. They even took the time to wipe off his core, which was possibly where the ferrorabbit got the idea to start licking him. The only time Altier had seen discontent from the kobold was when they didn’t find much during their foraging, and thus couldn’t give any treats to the excited and bouncy herbivore.
He wasn’t aware that a creature’s face could make such a painfully broken expression, and he was quick to decide that he never wanted to see it again.
Vexingly, his metaphorical hands were tied; a dungeon could only influence their Domain, and given the state of his system, not even that option was available to him. All he could do was glare at the rotting wooden beams that held up the roof and remember when such an issue didn’t exist. It would have taken a mere flicker of thought and a paltry sum of mana to mend the struts when he was a proper dungeon. He could even outright reinforce the structure by weaving in other materials, leaving the appearance as it was while making everything stronger than iron. Well, he once could. Working with other affinities was something that came to him after absorbing the coloured motes left behind by adventurers, and the accursed stone that stole his mana had taken that ability as well.
An attempt was made anyway, his will ordering the deteriorated wood to absorb any trace metals from the ground, but it was no use. He couldn’t feel the iron or stones beneath the shed like he would have been able to before, all but confirming his suspicion that his connection to the Earth element had slipped away. Nature was much the same; the only way he knew when Hoppit had returned most days was from the subtle noise and the essence of injury. The other attributes—Air, Flame, Luma, Shadow, and so on—were ones he never experimented with to any real extent, so it was less noticeable when he lost his grasp on them. Perhaps they faded early. Either way, all he had left was a waning cognizance of his own alignment, and that wasn’t of much use to him. If he had any appreciable mana income, then perhaps he could do something, but he wasn’t even sure what the upkeep of his current Domain might be. It was entirely possible that he was running on a deficit, which would offer a reason for why his system had been so—
[Do#$@n Ex@#d$%^&d! CRe@#r H-H-H-HoPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP—]
[Errrrrrr—]
[Sy$%^hroni%^$zing…]
[Creeee-tu— Hoppit ha@$ esttttb-hed terrrrrrr-ity f^#% t$e dun@&$n!]
- - - - -
“Well then,” he mumbled to himself, taking in the strange scene behind the shed. For one, he could actually view a small distance beyond the structure now, and two, there was a rather proud-looking Hoppit sitting on his haunches before a pair of significantly less prideful examples of the species. They looked quite a bit bigger than the lazy loaf Altier had come to know, yet they were more cut up and dejected than his furry friend. That answered where the injuries had been coming from, he supposed. Hoppit was probably running off to bash heads with whatever animal population existed here beforehand, and they had only just reached a consensus on who was in charge. Impressive.
One of Hoppit’s ears turned back towards the shed, his head following suit as he gave a lagomorph’s approximation of a ‘Look what I did!’ smile. Altier blanked out mentally, but didn’t have time to question anything before the new leader of the local rabbits imperiously pointed a paw towards the surrounding forest, which was equally surreal to witness. Most surprising of all, the…subordinates? The other ferrorabbits did as commanded, keeping their forms small as they took off into the foliage. Soft clacks came from Hoppit’s pleased shake of his head, then he too left the area with only a slightly lopsided bounce to his stride.
The man-turned-core could only gape at what he saw. Were animals always so…expressive? Had Hoppit heard him? What in the world was happening? Why had Hoppit’s personal conquest led to Altier’s Domain expanding?
He lamented not having fingers, nor temples to rub with them. His system was a garbled mess of errors and inconsistent messages, his residence was falling apart at the seams, his companion was someone who abducted him from the dungeon, yet never did anything past that, and his first real experience with an animal was turning out to be more confusing than he thought possible.
All of this was after an unknown amount of time spent commanding legions of undead to strengthen the very people who he would later learn had lied to and manipulated him, making him into a nightmarish entity just to bolster the power of their forces. He almost missed the days spent gazing out of a mossy window. At least then he knew what to expect.
Nothing made sense anymore.
= = = = =
The soft sound of roots ripping free from soil suddenly stopped, only to be followed by a dull thud of Ceele’s palm slapping against the ground to catch her fall before she landed on her rear. She righted herself with her tail and tossed the stubborn weed into a pile with the others. No matter how many mornings she did this, they always seemed to replace themselves faster than she could remove the pesky things. A sigh slipped from her muzzle as she set about grabbing the next one embedded in the vegetable garden.
Aches and spreading stiffness flared up, but went ignored as she neared the end of her duties, though she was well aware that they would come back with force once she tried to settle down for the day. The impending soreness was an inevitable byproduct of spending so much time working. Still, she knew that if it wasn’t for the kindly old couple that allowed her to call their shed home, she would still be sleeping beneath the stars while making sure nothing tried to get at her Hoppit. Even if it was just a part of the deal, they were owed this much in return, and she would see it done properly.
The sun bore down on her back as she did her usual tasks, which was a departure from the slightly overcast weather as of late. It looked somewhat promising when she checked in the wee hours of the morning, yet as her gardening duties dragged on, so too did the intensity of such a clear sky. A disappointed glance at the empty wooden bucket on the edge of the field was quickly corrected. She hadn’t thought to refill it at the river after watering the crops, and her parched throat was making its protests known, while also reminding her that there wasn’t much water left at home either. One more thing to take care of when she was done.
A gruff cough brought her attention towards the old kobold resting his back against a tree some distance away, safely shaded from the unforgiving rays beaming down. Her displeasure at having yet more to do was hastily wiped away. She was undecided on what to think of the detached audience, but looking so sour while upholding her side of the agreement wouldn’t reflect well on her. Hopefully, he hadn’t seen it. Not that she could tell if he did; he always had the same expression when he watched her work. The elder kobold’s arms were crossed, a finger tapping absently against his bicep, while his tail sat motionless on the grass, the muddy red colour of his scales standing out amongst the greens and browns. ‘Makis,’ was his name, assuming her memory served.
Makis had taken to observing her every so often, usually propping himself against this or that at a distance, the unwavering scowl being as unnerving as it was belying of his age. Somewhat loose skin sagged a bit around his jowls and neck, yet the rest of his face was still taut from how much time he spent examining red-hot metal, and his arms were marred with countless burns and cuts from his profession. He held an oppressive aura, though the crinkles around his eyes and muzzle suggested he smiled as frequently as he glowered, even if Ceele was yet to see the former. There was only the same judgmental expression aimed at her when he was around. She could only hope that he didn’t take offence to some unintended slight, but she didn’t know him well enough to say what might be considered one.
They hadn’t spoken since she took up residence on the outskirts of his land. His wife was the one to introduce them, but it was quickly established that he had no intention of being a chatty individual. He led Ceele to the shed hidden amongst the trees on the edge of the property, then dismissed her with only a grunt coming from the elderly kobold. She supposed that it was for the best. Her experience in socializing was centred around convincing others to employ her, and there hadn’t been much of an opportunity to expand her horizons while living a life on the road. If that had been the end of their interactions, she would have swiftly written the terseness off, but he appeared every few days, taking up residence beneath the shade as he watched her work, never speaking a single word. At least he didn’t openly protest her presence, yet she figured that would be easier to manage. He wouldn’t be such an enigma then.
There wasn’t a whole lot she knew about him besides his penchant for ‘supervision,’ and anything beyond that was what his wife had volunteered during the rare opportunity they had to chat. She was told that Makis worked the smithy out front, and although he had retired from doing so in an official capacity, she could still regularly hear his hammer as she tended to the garden, so she figured he kept himself busy most days. It made her wonder what was so interesting about a vagrant like herself, but when there was so little else to do, she could see how anything could be made worth the attention. It was just him and his wife living in the once bustling home, after all; the couple’s children had long since grown up and made families of their own.
She noticed his gaze shift elsewhere as she tugged yet another stubborn intruder from the soil, his arms falling from across his chest and the perpetually worn displeasure melting to that of curiosity. He wandered off shortly after, and she had to make an effort not to fall onto her tail as the pressure on her shoulders unexpectedly evaporated. Did something happen?
Ceele shook her head free of the distracting thought. It wasn’t her business if he grew bored with watching her work. As long as no one voiced any complaints, she could only assume that she was doing a satisfactory job. Maybe he finally decided that he didn’t need to be so watchful because she was doing well! That could be it, right?
A glance at the somewhat sloppily maintained garden erased the false confidence from her face, but she was just as quick to focus on finishing up, unwilling to allow darker musings to fester. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be anything else that needed her intervention. The weeds were all uprooted, the soil was appropriately dampened, and her check for pesky insects or wildlife turned up nothing to worry about. She was free for the rest of the day!
…Or she would be free—as soon as she finished the last of her tasks, anyway.
The black-scaled kobold got up from her crouch unsteadily, shivering and wincing from the pins and needles in her legs. She would have to remember to stretch more often; it was far too easy to forgo that kind of thing just to make the overall work go slightly faster. Her hand reached out to grab the pile of weeds and put them into the bucket as she ran through what needed to be done before she could properly relax. Hoppit’s food needed to be washed, she needed to bathe, and they were running low on water anyway, so she would have to visit the river. Just the thought of dragging herself into the forest again made her muscles protest, but she wouldn’t have the energy to do it later. She forced the smile that had started to fall and took the first of many steps.
- - - - -
The river wasn’t too far away, only taking a few minutes of traipsing through the dense woodlands until she reached her destination. It was an idyllic little spot. The trees thinned out to allow a grassy bank along the water, and there was an appreciably gentle slope from shallows to depths, making for a convenient place to take care of various needs. She had discovered this place during her travels, and it was where a kind older woman found her.
Ceele was washing off at the time, with Hoppit safely taking shelter from the outside underneath the bundled blankets while he waited. The trickle of the stream brushing against rocks covered the sound of footsteps, so she was rather surprised when an aged voice called out to ask if she was okay. Her first reaction was to distance herself and apologize—the why didn’t matter, but she had learned that most people were more lenient of her presence if she seemed apologetic for it, and she usually was. The elderly kobold just laughed at her scrambling, tacking on an assurance that there was no need for modesty. The woman was blind, apparently, which explained how Ceele’s blackened colours hadn’t deterred her.
Strangely enough, there was a comforting sense of ease around the one who introduced herself as Hira. It was a sort of presence that Ceele could only vaguely remember, and it drew her close enough to speak as she finished bathing. The conversation wasn’t anything profound, of course—they hardly delved deeper than surface-level small talk—but Hira lost her smile as she listened to the younger kobold. By the end of it, the old woman posed a series of questions with a dark inflection to her voice, and Ceele struggled to find an answer.
‘Are you tired of looking for something that only slips away? Are you tired of running? Do you really want to be scared and alone?’
If the silence bothered Hira, then it didn’t show. She had simply held out a hand and offered Ceele a way of life that didn’t involve wondering where she would be spending the night, nor entailed cowering in the brush while fearsome predators roamed freely. It would be a simple existence of few fortunes, but it was safe, and it was honest. All she had to do was say yes.
Ceele denied it at first, partially because she knew most people despised Hobbit's species, and partially because she couldn’t shake the offer being too good to be true. Hira was quick to propose a compromise; Ceele could take residence in the gardening shed that had fallen from use, and to satiate the nagging sense of an unfair deal, she would be put in charge of maintaining the garden itself. All Hira wanted was to ‘see’ her favourite space bloom again, since she couldn’t take care of it anymore. The black-scaled kobold stared longingly at where Hoppit was, his little body shivering from the prolonged cold and fear that he would be hurt if he left the blankets hiding him. It was with a heavy guilt that she accepted Hira’s offer, keeping quiet about her true reason for doing so.
That was in the past, however, though she thought about it every time she stopped by and saw the smooth rocks where she and Hira first met. Eventually, she might gather the courage to admit that she was housing a ‘pest’ and beg for forgiveness. Until then, she would just work her hardest to prove it wasn’t a mistake to give her a home. That her endless efforts weren’t meaningless. That Hoppit deserved to be more than a ‘pest.’
That Ceele was more than something she had no control over being.
She cleared her head a bit and started on the reason she came all this way. Her dress was rather easy to wash in the meandering water, and the trees provided a suitable place for it to dry in the sunlight and light breeze. The weeds were fine with a thorough rinse near in the shallows, but taking care of her own hygiene required her to wade farther in, though it only came up to her chest in the middle of the rill. Still, she could scrub off the soil and grime, which was all she really needed. Perhaps some simple soaps would help rid her of the pervasive black that stained her skin and scales, but that was beyond her meagre means for the time being, as well as being mere wishful thinking.
She worked past the dreary mindset that settled in when she allowed it, focusing on how serene the river was. The soft birdsong from the trees helped make for a peaceful experience, and she could feel the somewhat chilled liquid basically pour into the aches and pains throughout her body, washing away the stiffness from spending so long under the unerring sun. It was nice to escape reality and let thoughts drift while held buoyant by calmer waters.
Yet the bliss was short-lived. Even if winter was gone, spring was still far from warming the waters enough for her to laze about for too long. She dragged herself from the soft current and fetched her dress from the low-lying branch she left it to dry on. It was still a touch damp, but it wasn’t anything a bit of time in front of the fireplace wouldn’t fix.
Ceele was only a short distance away from home when she heard a gravelly male voice, but it was the flicker of sight between the trees that made her drop what was in her arms and lunge into a sprint.
Makis stood just outside the gardening shed, a ferrorabbit held at arm’s length by rusty crimson hands placed on the scruff and haunch, the rabbit’s little ears flattened as fear filled its tiny face. Her eyes widened further when she noticed the small stains of blood in his light brown fur. They found out about him. Ephemeral claws of blackness clutched at her soul, ripping the very fabric she was made of as an unseen beast smiled, eager to take yet one more thing from her. Her Hoppit. Her baby. Her everything.
“Hoppit!” she shrieked, her words all but tearing out of her throat in desperation. Frozen blood coursed through her veins, yet poured into exhausted limbs. She broke through the treeline with no regard for the branches slashing against her flesh, panic making each sting fade before it could be processed. The grizzled glare of the older kobold snapped towards her, his usual scowl picking up an actual air of intensity that she never thought could be absent, the promise of violence lurking in his eyes. She skidded to a stop a few paces away, the lump in her throat threatening to clog her airway. “S-stop hurting him!”
“Didn’t,” he barked back, his tone even yet firm. “Cuts ain’t me. I’d’a done worse if’a had ta mind ta.”
The blatant declaration snapped her from blind panic, although his apparent anger didn’t do her fear any favours. “B-but… Then how…”
“‘Hoppit.’ Named it, did’cha?” he grunted, ignoring her confusion and bobbing the rabbit to get her attention again. His gaze shifted back to the animal, the flames of ire cooling slightly. “I was wonderin’ why yer plots ain’t dead yet. Suppose this critter’s why.”
One of her hands hesitantly reached out until she pulled it back, while the other clutched at her chest to stop her heart from hammering against her ribs. She couldn’t act rashly. Not while her baby was in his arms. “I—”
“Soft thing, ain’t it,” the elder kobold commented curiously, cutting her off.
“Y-yes?” she returned reluctantly, struggling to stop herself from lashing out to reclaim the ferrorabbit in his grasp.
“Like fine silk.” Makis tipped and tilted the animal, inspecting this and that with a deep-seated frown, all while Hoppit silently looked to her for help. The pit in her stomach grew. She needed to get him back, but how?
Ceele swallowed the dense dread as she tried to formulate some sort of plan, stumbling over her words and forced smile. “I-it’s nice! Isn’t it nice?”
His eyes snapped back to burrow into her own with hatred. “Wasn’t a compliment, girly.”
“B-but you—”
He released Hoppit’s lower half to jab a claw at the various spikes around his body, plying them with minimal force. “Look. See this? These’r suppose ta break bone. ‘Specially when he’s stiff like this. Ain’t no way I should be able ta bend ‘em. He’s barely more than a walkin’ carcass—all skin ‘n stick. He’s gonna get picked up by a wandering pecker if he keeps pissin’ about out ‘ere. It’s a wonder he’s still kickin’. What’cha feeding ‘em?” His gaze dropped from her face to the rest of her, disgust curling his muzzle into a snarl. “N’ver mind. I can guess.”
She felt the dampness build at the edges of her vision, unprepared to not only worry for Hoppit's immediate health, but also to face such harsh criticism while she was so vulnerable. “I… I try to make sure he has…”
Makis crouched to release the ferrorabbit onto the ground, Ceele dropping to her knees the moment he did. The terrified lagomorph wasted no time, bolting towards his adoptive mother and leaping into her arms, shaking uncontrollably. The rust-coloured ‘bold stared as she started soothingly stroking the animal’s back.
“Yer given’ em the weeds, aren’t ya?” he stated rather than asked. She gave a teary nod when her voice wouldn’t respond for her. The old kobold drew a breath, letting it go in an exasperated sigh as he stood back up, his expression becoming more impatient than antagonistic. “What else?”
“I— Um…”
“What. Else?”
“W-whatever I c-can find!” she sputtered out. Hoppit tried to hide against her neck, prompting her to tighten her hold. She couldn’t stop herself from shrinking, the guilt and confusion pulling her head down. “R-roots, vegetables, fruits… I give them as often as I can.”
His glare continued unimpeded, his cadence cold. “That it?”
There were a million things Ceele wanted to say. A part of her wanted to beg him not to kick them out of the first safe place she had in longer than she could remember, but she couldn’t find the words. She wanted to deny the judgmental tone that stabbed into her insecurity surrounding how good of a job she was doing with Hoppit, but the deadened void in her chest swallowed her pride whole. She knew he was right to critique her. That she was failing in the only thing that mattered anymore. That the feeling of loss would return.
“I try,” she whispered through the beginnings of a sob. “I try to find more, but he needs someone around, and I have to work the garden, so there’s only so much time I can spend looking. He won’t even eat all of what I bring back…” Tears dripped off her cheeks as she aimed a desolate smile at her furry friend. “He wants to make sure I have some too.”
“Yer killin’ em,” Makis pointed out plainly, crossing his arms. “He’ll be dead ‘fore the summer at this rate.”
“I know!” she shouted, forcing back the memories of insidious murmurs that lurked in the back of her mind, eager to creep into her ears again. The hate-filled stares that followed her, the rumours that arrived in towns before she had the chance to make an impression, and the guilt that loomed over her like an executioner's axe… “I know I am… I just… I don’t know what he needs. I don’t know how to make him happy…but I try. I’m trying…”
“…Yer an idiot, girly.”
She looked up to see the elder kobold walking away without another word. Her eyes fell to Hoppit, the ferrorabbit pressing himself against her as much as he could. He was small, thin, soft, and growing weaker by the day, but he never let it keep him down for long. No, he always showed his best for her, giving her joy that wasn’t provided anywhere else. She saw the thin cuts and dried blood, though she didn’t know where they came from, nor how he got out of the shed in the first place. But that was okay. Hoppit was okay, and she had Hoppit, so everything was okay, right?
…But how much longer would everything stay okay? How much longer until her efforts weren’t enough, and she was left desperately reaching for fading memories of what once was? How much longer until she killed her baby too?
How much longer until she was alone again?
Soft footsteps drew near, pulling her from the spiralling thoughts that threatened to gnaw at her soul. Damp, blurry eyes fell on Makis returning with a small wooden crate, the older kobold stopping a few steps away. He dropped the box, a deep, rattling thud produced as it impacted the ground, making Hoppit flinch in her arms. Ceele blinked as she kept him calm, then blinked again, looking up at the man for answers.
“The name, girly,” he spat in irritation. “Ferrorabbit. Ther’ Earth aligned creatures; they need metals. They don’t care where they get it, but they need lots of it. Iron, copper, tin, lead—raw crystal, if they can find it. You name it, they’ll take a chunk out of it. It's why they bother farmers so much; the best soil’s usually top’a gem deposits, ‘n the little bastards have no issue burrowing deep to get it. Dries up the element’s energy ‘n makes the crops weak.”
Ceele’s mouth opened and closed, each unsuccessful attempt to speak making her feel smaller and smaller. More and more lost. Why was he telling her this? How did he know? What was in the—
He kicked the crate with the side of his foot. “Scraps. Don’t’cha look at me like that. I’m a smith, girly. I might be old and retired, but I still work a forge. Now, this ain’t anything pure—it’s just slag and hunks—but I’m sure the critter won’t mind. Your little gardenin’ project pays off, ‘n I’ll see which of my contacts can get in some better ore.”
She ripped her eyes away from the box and met the perpetual scowl of the old kobold, seeing a warmth behind the hostility that she had never noticed before. “…Why?”
He scoffed in amusement, which looked somewhat menacing on such a hardened expression. “Yer a touch stupid, girly, but the missus adores ya, ‘n yer a good worker.” A shadow of a smile formed on his face. “Hira spent more evenings asking ‘bout how the plots are doin’ than I got time in the day. She’d bite my head off if I noticed a critter like that sufferin’ and didn’t lend a hand. ‘Specially when it’s obvious you ain’t tryin’ ta hurt the thing.”
“B-but the garden… Isn’t he a problem?”
Makis rolled his eyes, turning with a dismissive wave of his hand. “If he was, he’da killed it by now. I’d say he’s been keepin’ the others clear ‘n got scratched up for the trouble. That’s more reason to feed ‘em right in my eyes; pay the poor bastard his dues.” He paused after a few steps, shooting her one last incredulous glance. “‘N the rabbit’s right. You’re not much better off than he is. Eat. Before the missus takes my head, preferably. I ain’t need ta hear her worryin’ over you more than I already do.”
And with that, he walked off back to the house, leaving Ceele to sit stunned on the ground with Hoppit quietly nuzzling into her.
“Hoppit…?”
The ferrorabbit perked an ear and gently licked her collar. Fresh tears ran rivulets down her face, yet they didn’t weigh her down. They felt freeing. She adjusted her hold on the rabbit and held him out, taking in the small cuts and numerous other injuries she had never noticed before. He stared back at her with worried eyes.
“You’ve been busy, huh?” she cooed quietly, doing her best to keep her voice from cracking. He shrunk in her hands. “I told you to stay home, baby. What if something happened to you? I wouldn’t know where you went, and…”
Her protests died out as she saw what was unmistakably guilt on his little face. She brought him back to her chest and cleared her throat.
“It’s alright, Hoppit. If… If you want to help momma, then we can work together, okay? Just…please don’t go off getting hurt… I don’t know what I’d do without you…” The rabbit didn’t reply, and she was pretty sure she had never heard him make any sounds that weren’t his happy little ear clacks, but she chose to interpret the nuzzling as an agreement. “Such a smart boy…”
She took a breath and wiped off the excess moisture from her cheeks, setting Hoppit down on the ground. “Let’s bring Mr. Makis’ gift in, and then I need to go get more water so we can clean you up, okay?”
He bounced his way to the door of their home, waiting patiently for her to lug the surprisingly heavy crate into the shed. He was even still behaving himself by the time she returned from picking up the things she dropped in her haste. There wasn’t a single protest from the ferrorabbit as she washed over his wounds with warm water, nor when she asked him to wait as she cut up a small salad for him using an extra portion of her rationed vegetables. Finally, once everything else was gone, she tentatively sifted through the box until she found a chunk of something that didn’t look so sharp, then offered it to Hoppit skeptically.
As startling as it was to see him bite through metal without issue, she couldn’t help but tear up again at how pleased he looked with the bizarre addition to his diet. He munched through the first piece, then stared at the box while pawing at the air, asking for more. She obliged through wet laughs, feeling lighter than she had since he first gazed at her from his burrow, alone and afraid, just like she was.
Her little baby was happy, and that made it okay.
Next
—
A/N: Thank you to my Patrons, new and returning! No Thanks, Emmanuel, and Megathor join the others who get to read 1 chap ahead!

i (18y) have been abused by my parents and grandparents for as long as i can remember. my first memory is my grandad approaching me as i was sat down on a potty (one of those weird plastic toilets toddlers have) and picking my up by my shoulders. he screams something at me before he puts me down and slaps me across the face. i was about 3 years old. i feel the best way to talk about this lifetime of abuse is to tell it in chronological order from the best of my ability (my memory surrounding certrain things is hazy as for a while i tried to forget as much of this as i could)
firstly i think its important to give some information about my mum and dad. my dad was 17 when i was born and i believe my mum was 21. he lied to her about his age. my dad is addicted to weed and i know for a time he was addicted to coke too. i remember he would often get arrested a lot. he would also say he was leaving us but return hours later very clearly off his face on coke and whatever else. my mum is a very manipulative and emotionally abusive woman. when i was 7, i witnessed her kiss another man in front of me. we later on found out that they had been seeing each other for ages behind my dads back. i havent been able to forgive her for that. it's also important to note i have many siblings (i wont say how many as i have already given a lot of telling information and do not want my family to know ive typed and posted this, many of my family members use reddit).
from the age of 5, i remember getting beatings almost daily from my mum or dad. these would be for the most minor of things such as forgetting to flush the toilet or turning the tv up a little bit too loud. these weren't little taps either, i got fully manhandled and punched. often i remember my dad pinning my down so my back is facing upwards, he would hold my hands around my back while my mum would hit me on my ass until it was red raw. no one can justify that. sometimes it wasn't always my parents though. sometimes they would call my grandad. for such a long time the word grandad evoked so much fear in me. when i was told he was coming over i would run to my room, but on as many layers of clothes as i could and hid under my blanket. when he arrived, he would berate me about how much of a disgusting little cunt i was before he would punch me in my face and all over my body. often i would have bruises as a kid, i dont know how teachers at school didn't pick up on it. i remember one Christmas eve my xbox account wasn't working (cant remember why) and this understandably upset me, i was 8 after all. my dad called my grandad over, and i did the same routine. clothes on, over the covers and pray he doesn't hit me too hard this time. this time was different though. he came into my room and pulled me out of my bed by my arm and threw me down the stairs. i ran into the living room where my nana was. she slapped me in my face so hard i fell to the ground. i tried to run out of the room only for my grandad to push me back into it. i was made to sit on the couch while i got called the most horrific names. i was so scared i wet myself and couldn't stop shaking. i was 8 years old.
not long after Christmas, it was my birthday. i got disney infinity and a bunch of the little figures to go with it. for months this was my hyper fixation, i would play it daily and completed everyone one of the story set things i had. one day my grandad came over, and he started his usual borage of insults. he turns to my organized disney infinity figures resting upon my xbox 360 (jesus im old) and kicks them all over just avoiding the xbox. he then turns around and leaves. he broke so many of the figures, i cried for hours and hours in my room alone. no one came to check on me. the figures being broken hurt so much more than the beatings i was now used to.
from this point onwards, things are a little fuzzy. i move house a few times and am now in secondary school. im 13 years old, and questioning my sexuality heavily. i get into fights both inside and outside of school and have started smoking cigarettes. the physically abuse had stopped, but the emotional abuse had got worse. at the time i was a very fat kid. i would eat to feel better. my dad would often call me fat and insult me for everything i did. every song i played, booked i read and film i watched. he would rip into me daily for no reason at all. he would often say if i wasn't his kid and he saw me when he was a kid he'd beat the fuck out of me. when i was 15, life started to get a bit better. i found a group of friends that liked me, i was no longer questioning my sexuality and was fully comfortable saying i was pan-sexual. i also started to smoke weed with my best friend, which has given us some of the best memories. in the summer of that year, we got evicted from our home and had to move into an emergency house. this was hell, and one of the worst times of my life. i slept on the couch and my pc was in the kitchen where often my little siblings would throw food on it and try to tip if over. my parents did nothing to stop this. the insults still followed and i was made to feel so insignificant and small. the most i slept in the 4 months we lived there was 5 hours a night. one time my dad was berating me and he got in my face because i said something back to him. he pinned me against the wall by my t shirt. for the first time, i felt all of the rage i had kept bottled up since i was a kid overflow and i punched him square in the face. he fell back and looked at me in shock. my mum rushed to his defense and screamed at me to leave. i left for a few hours until my dad called me and told me to come home. we haven't spoken of it since.
now i am 18. i am in the last few days of college then im off to university. the emotional abuse still continues and there are so many things that im leaving out for the sake of length. i could genuinely write a novella about all of this shit. i am not sure what to do moving forward. i really want to block them out and live my life peacefully and free. however, whenever i think about doing this i feel really guilty. luckily i have an amazing and supportive partner who is helping me make sense of all of this. the scars still feel fresh. for anyone who is in a similar situation but has years to wait before they can leave, keep your head up. right now i know it is hell and it seems like there is no end. my best advice is find something you love and cling onto it, passion is found in the darkest of place. in my case, it was films. you are not crazy or being sensitive, it is abuse.
any question feel free to ask, thank you for listening.
EDIT: sorry if some of this makes no sense im dyslexic haha

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Laura Jane Grace - Stay Alive - $20.00
Los Crudos - 1991 - 1995: Los Primeros Gritos - $15.00
Los Crudos - Canciones Para Liberar Nuestras Fronteras - $20.00
Los Crudos - Discografía 2x LP - $25.00
Los Crudos - Spitboy - $20.00
Metallica - 72 Seasons (2x LP Black) - $15.00
Minus The Bear - Acoustics II (Tri Color) - $25.00
Minus The Bear - Lost Loves (Clear) - $20.00
New Found Glory - Forever & Ever x Infinity (Green) - $15.00
New Found Glory - Makes Me Sick - Deluxe - $20.00
New Found Glory - Resurrection: Deluxe Edition 2x LP - $20.00
Norah Jones - Chasing Pirates EP - $10.00
Notorious B.I.G - Ready to Die (Silver, 2x LP) - $25.00
NOFX - Ribbed (Red / Black) - $25.00
OST - A Charlie Brown Christmas Vince Guaraldi Trio - $20.00
OST - Almost Famous - $20.00
OST - Eddie Murphy 1982 Comedy Special - $15.00
OST - E.T (Music By John Williams)
OST - Footloose (Magenta) - $15.00
OST - Home Alone Christmas - $20.00
OST - Lost in Translation - $20.00
OST - Music from the X-Files (Glow in the Dark Vinyl) - $20.00
OST - Space Jam (Red / Black 2x LP) - $20.00
OST - Stand & Deliver - $25.00
OST - Transformers: Dark of the Moon - $20.00
OST - Watchmen Vol. 1 (Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross) - $20.00
OST - Watchmen Vol. 3 Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross) - $20.00
Outkast - Ghetto Musik (12” Single) - $10.00
Panic! At the Disco - A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out (Silver) - $20.00
PUP - The Unraveling of PUP - $20.00
Prince - Sign o’ the Times (Clear w/ White Swirl) - $20.00
Rodrigo Y Gabriela - Mettal EP - $15.00
Senses Fail - Hell is in Your Head - $15.00
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Silversun Pickups - Physical Thrills (2x LP Purple Vinyl, Indie Store Exclusive) - $20.00
Simple Creatures - Strange Love (White / Black Vinyl) - $20.00
Snail Mail - Valentine (Gold) - $15.00
Taylor Hawkins and the Coattail Riders - Bet the Money - $20.00
Tegan & Sara - Live at Zia Records (Record Store Day) - $15.00
Tegan & Sara - The Con X (Covers) - $15.00
Tegan & Sara - Tonight In The Dark We’re Seeing Colors (Record Store Day) - $15.00
The Cars - Panorama (Green) - $15.00
The Format - Interventions + Lullabies (Yellow / Blue) - $25.00
The Get Up Kids - Guilt Show (Yellow / Red) - $20.00
The Killers - Pressure Machine - $15.00
The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes (12” Single) - $20.00
The Pretenders - Learning to Crawl - $10.00
The Pretenders - The Pretenders - $10.00
The Replacements - Pleased To Meet Me (Outtakes and Alternatives) - $25.00
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow (Orange) - $25.00
The Subways - All Or Nothing (Orange) - $15.00
Van Halen - Van Halen 2 - $15.00
Weezer - The Black Album (Clear / Black) - $20.00

(Sorry if I broke any rules I’m new please tell me if so) TW: mention of weed and SA
To start i f21 and a friend Jake ftm21 had a sleepover 3 months ago with another friend, Isabel. I have known of Jake since elementary and we got closer in the last year of high school. I had always been more comfortable around him and he was just a really touchy feely person. Holding hands, hugging, leaning his head in my shoulder, etc.
I was a bit worried about his girlfriend, especially with her being a close friend, seeing us like that so I would jokingly push him away but he never got the message. I will admit I’m the type of person to worry if I bring up something like that I would ruin the relationship, so I never did.
So at this sleep over we all got a faded, we watched movies and played games, it was all fun till it came to actually sleeping. I was in the middle of them on the bed because I had this funny ASMR video for them to watch and Jake just laid his head on my shoulder and his hand went under my shirt, touching my side, back, and stomach. I tried to tell him to stop moving his hand and to watch it sense he was touching my lower stomach and close to literally touching my chest.
He gave me a ‘why’ or ‘I’m cold’ but after a few times he stopped. Later in the night I woke up to him saying something and taking my face to make me look at him in the pitch black room. He was so close out lips actually touched. To add to that his hand started to move and move up to my chest and he ended up actually touching it. I had to move his hand away and just went back to sleep.
He did the same thing the next morning (still not sober) and when he got to close again I told him to move it and he did, by moving it the smallest amount. That night when I got home I cried the hardest in my life and I could still feel his hands.
That was a few months ago, but I’ve told one person and she’s my best friend. I haven’t said a word to him or his girlfriend, no one else. I think about that night literally everyday and I have to physically pause what I’m going to try and stop thinking about it. I feel like it’s too late to say anything to him. I’m still confused why I didn’t move or do more to stop it.
I’m thinking about telling my sister just to have someone to actually talk to, and Jake. I’m still not sure of what to even say to him. Do I tell his girlfriend? I don’t wanna start drama, but I do feel like she should know, I would wanna know?

You've decided to save:

• Megan Thee Stallion - HISS with 14 votes
  
• Lil B - Fuck KD with 13 votes
  
• Lauryn Hill - Lost Ones with 12 votes
  
• Pavement - Range Life with 12 votes
  

Honourable mentions to Sonic Youth - Kool Thing, Brand New - Seventy Times 7, Noname - Song 33 and especial honorable mention to Nine Inch Nails - Starfuckers Inc which was going to make it originally.

SONGS IN:

• 2Pac, Outlawz - Hit 'Em Up
• Black Midi - ded sheeran
• Carly Simon - You’re So Vain
• Dr. Dre - Fuck Wit Dre Day (AndEverybody Celebratin)
• Eazy-E - Real Muthaphuckkin G’s
• Eminem - Killshot
• Ice Cube - No Vaseline
• Jay-Z - Takeover
• Justin Timberlake - Cry Me a River
• Kendrick Lamar - Euphoria
• Kendrick Lamar - Meet the Grahams
• Kendrick Lamar - Not Like Us
• Lauryn Hill - Lost Ones
• Lil B - Fuck KD
• Megan Thee Stallion - HISS
• Nas - Ether
• Pavement - Range Life
• Pusha T - The Story of Adidon
• Queen - Death on two Legs
• The Notorious B.I.G. - Who Shot Ya?

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