Plz dont dm me, im just trying to say thing here which i cant say elsewhere. I dont want anyone's sympathy or anything
My end is extremely near probably next monday i will be dead around 1 to 2 am when i will h@ng myself.
Im not sure why im even writing this maybe because i just want to express what i am feeling right now, probably a rant.
I am an extremely selfish guy, i dont give a sh!t about my parents i just care about my happiness, i dont care if they will be sad after im gone because it wont be my problem anymore i just want quit thats all i care about. Ever since i was born i have never been truely happy and i have been suicid@l for quit awhile now, a few years maybe. It has been years and i havent seen the "light" at the end of the tunnel yet.
You know sometimes i wonder if my suicid3 would be justified? I have a roof over my head, fresh food to eat, clean water to drink, both my parents are alive who care about me. There are alot of people in this world who dont have any of this yet they find a will to live, i wonder how. Why does neet affects me so personally? I guess may be it is because i have never been a good student in my life and ever since i started preparing for neet i started getting respect from my parents and i guess the fear of disappointment is some much i me that i would rather die.
I have taken multiple drops and after neet exams whenever i told my dad that i wont be going to college he started treated me differently, i could feel it. Thats why probably i took drop after drop inorder to not loose the respect just to make my parents happy to get their respect. I once told my father i cant do it and i wanna quit and that day he ws so disappointed that he stopped talking to me cut my calls, started ignoring and neglecting me than i decided to give another shot just to reestablish the relationship. When i think about all this then i truely makes me wonder if they actually care about me or if im actually selfish or not.
People have lived through alot, and here im thinking that im better off de@d if i dont become a doctor. Something im disgusted by myself that i gonna do this to my mom and dad. My mom have been through alot in her life, her parents where abusive and 2 off her sisters where murd3red in a horrific way she has been through alot of trauma but she never mistreated me once always loved me and here im try to give her the biggest heartache of her life. I hate myself so much my mom have been so strong throughout her life and here im trying to kill myself cuz i cant clear neet, what the actual f0ck is wrong with me!!!
My father has also told me that if i dont get a gov college this year than he will arrange the money for private college but i know that i will be a terrible financial decision for our family i get admission in pvt college. Aur mere mark 500 ke aas pas aa rahe hai agar semi gov nhi mila to me gya.
Mere pass bolne ke liye to boht kuch hai lekin kya kya batao samjh nhi ata.
Log bc excited hai ki neet ke baad ye karunga vo karunga mujhe kisi baat ki koi excitement nhi hoti lagta hai sab bakwas hai, mujhe literally kisi baat ki excitement nhi hai na job ki, naa paise ki , naa shadi ki, naa fame ki , kisiki nhi, mere account me boht sare paise pade hai filhal lekin kuch karne ka maan nhi karta un paiso ka.
Kabhi kabhi lagta hai kisi psychiatrist ke pas chala jau but mere bhai already dawaiyan kha raha hai psychiatrist se anxiety ki and he is essentially hooked on those meds usko dekh ke lagta hai ki naa hi jao psychiatrist ke pas to accha.
At the end mujhe koi sympathy nhi chahiye this is just my feelings that im feeling, me yeh sab baatein kisike sath nhi kar sakta mera koi friend nhi hai or nahi mere papa mummy ke sath mera aesa relationship hai ki unke sath me yeh sari baatein kar saaku. Isiliye yaha pe vent kar raha hun

There is this old couple who stay right opposite to our flat. Uncle is retired, it's been 6-7 years and aunty is a former nurse who left her job 30 years ago when she became a mother. They have 2 daughters who are like elder sisters to me (gem of a people) but they got married and shifted to UAE. And OMG the uncle has become unbearable since then, he thinks both me and my sister are their Children now, he tries to influence our parents decisions regarding us, bhenchod darwaza khulne ka aawaz aate hi he'll open his door to see kaun hai and agar mai ya meri bhen hue toh he'll be all like, kidhar jaa rahe ho? Kyu ja rahe ho? Kab aaoge? Arey, my parents know about that and that's enough right? Lekin nahi uncle ko gand me ungal karni hi hoti hai. Aunty is fine, infact she stops him from doing all this nonsense but buddha sathiya gaya hai i Guess??? Abhi toh hadd kardi uncle ne, i recently completed my MBA and got a good job and i was constantly in touch with his younger daughter for guidance and all because she too did an MBA and all....he ofcourse knows this and now he's constantly pestering me or my parents to know my package. Arey? Even my parents don't know about my real package, why should i tell him? And he'll try to find it out by different ways like, 1) arey tune loan liya haina toh abhi emi bharega toh X amount of emi ke liye X amount of salary toh rahega na tera? 2) tera dost log ka placement kaha laga? I said mumbai and then he asked kidher se hai wo log? I said koi Delhi, koi Jaipur, etc and then he said toh mumbai me rent itna high hai wo log ko itna rent afford karne ke liye toh X amount of salary toh milata hoga na? 3) the most absurd one, "tune X didi (his younger daughter) ko apna salary bataya na toh mujhe kyu nahi bataya?" I told him, "uncle maine kisiko nahi bataya didi ko bhi nahi aapko kaun bola ki maine didi ko bola?" Unki bolti band ho gayi.
Honestly they are good people and they have gone out of their ways to help us out, we have been neighbours for 16 years now, that family has seen us growing from kids to adults but yaar ab gussa aata hai thoda. Kaise deal karu politely? Anyone elso who also faces such problems?

I'm going to be murdered for this but I just find this whole epub and "we support books format natively yay !" Argument fallacious and misleading
Had I known about this, I wouldn't have bought a Kobo ! (This isn't true. I'm happy with my Libra but I must exaggerate to be heard in a serious manner, while exaggerating usually leads to even less credit and more discredit especially on reddit and especially on the very sub with people who want to be happy and make use of some twisted cognitive dissonance resolution to deal with whoever might critic their . You see this especially with Apple users defending cheap anti consumers decisions as if they were defending their own moms, but I digress)
So many grandiloquent words for such a stupid post, my God .I must admit I enjoy it.
Most epubs I've tried from several websites have their fonts and margins screwed up and 15 words per page, amongst other things, thus requiring a .kepub conversion
Meaning , that :
1) you need to convert epubs beforehands (requires manual conversion for cloud transfer such as Dropbox and google etc)
2) you need to have the 2 versions in concomitance in your drive , be it local or cloud (GDrive, Dropbox, you name it) If you wanna read your stuff on ...idk, anything really? Ipad, supernote, phone, pc , nearly everything that isn't a Kobo device
Meaning twice the space (okay that's quite the persnickety argument given the size of books, I'll give you that ) . Twice the organization, twice the need for file deletion once you're done with a book , twice the (is it even right to use "twice the" like that? Asking native speakers here) twice the occurrences when's searching for a book/file name .
I mean I could go on an on, point is, it ain't super practical and requires a lot more time to organize and handle , time that I could instead spend on reddit ranting about stupid fucking companies and making big posts to complain about anything and everything and how my life is ruined and that I don't even have the time to think about how my energy is wasted on superficial shit that I could complain about and whine more . I need whine to drown in my sorrow
Fuck is the point of universal format if you gotta pass it through encoding for yet another proprietary format ? How is that different from amazon kindles where people bash the company for relying on .mobi and requiring conversion?
As per mobile read experts

The real reason Kobo has KePub is because they won't update the version of RMSDK used on Kobos. RMSDK is the underlying software for Adobe Digital Editions. If Kobo updated RMSDK to the latest version, they would have no need for KePub.

Now that's fucking nasty innit

Before anything is assumed there's a lot of reasons why I could be the asshole in this situation(s).
To give the basics I(22F) am dating S(22m) my ex best friend B (19F). B cheated on S with J(19M) and used be for money, attention, and as a therapist. That's the basic of what needs to be known but if you want the full story you can look at my first post of this account (https://www.reddit.com/amiwrong/s/1w3tUdUBSU)
Me and S took our relationship slow for awhile but we made it official a week before my 22nd birthday. By this time I had better people around me than I had when I was spending all my time helping B with her problems. I even have a new best friend(H 23F) and am back in contact with my child hood best friend (C 24M)
For my 22nd birthday me, S and couple of our friends and close family members(my two big sisters(+SIL so three technically) and two cousins because aside from my dad they are the closest family I have) had a party because I had never had a successful birthday party. It wasnt a big thing because I am not a big fan socializing with a lot of people but I also don't like being surrounded due to childhood trauma.
My birthday party was a success and i had a great time with my friends and boyfriend(I really like being able to say that lol)
C made me a homemade birthday cake(he's planning to open his own cafe/bakery.) H is freelance photographer and she like capturing pictures of happy moments and memories, ask if she could take some photos for the party. I agreed.(This is relevant)
Where we are it's very pretty place in the spring and has very temperamental weather and because of the fact we got lucky we had a pool party at one of my sisters houses, well call her A(31F) and we'll call the other sister R(32F) and R has a wife, O(31F) they are my main family. There's a lot of pictures that were taken for the party. There was a lot more people than I planned there some who were friends of friends and more 8 didn't even talk to half of the people I didn't know there. But as I said it was a success.
H focused of photos of all the good things for example, S pushing me into the pool, R pushing my head into a prop cake, me and C having a chug challenge(it's okay it wasn't hard liquor and were both over 21) and me, R, O and S teaming up on picking up A and throwing her in the pool(I think S made a good first impression) there is two things that weren't good about this party.
The first thing was revealed in the background of a photo of me and S being all lovey with us kissing one with her giving us a side eye(it was one she sent to her LD boyfriend) it was in the that one in one of the little groups behind the pool by the fire pit where both B and J were sat. The second thing being after H sent me all the photos I posted some of them to my Instagram the public one for extended family, friends, college, etc and to my private where I post more body positive, mental health, travel and family photos.
I typically go through my followers on my private about once every few months in case I want to remove someone. I forgot to remove B from the private one. So you'd expect me to only get normal comments or messages from it like my dad asking for the one group photo of me and my sisters because even is he was only there stepdad for a few years he still considered them his daughters.
But a lot of responses on my private were just people saying congratulations(I never announced me and S being together) and a few happy birthdays. Which those were okay until B messaged me. She gave me a lengthy paragraph starting by calling me a Whre, saying that she always thought I was just some dke(calling me multiple other slurs not just that one), and there is so much more she called me.
She told me about how seeing me with S made her sick being they used to date. She said insults about dating a man of a different skin color and race. S is Arabic and was taken to the US when he was really young and lived with adoptive family till he was 18 and moved out. I'm a mix of multiple things but mainly Italian, polish, Jewish and Hebrew so in simple turns I'm extremely pale and S is on the darker side skin tone wise. B is half Mexican half German(she lived in Germany when she was 6 because her father was in the military) but she is almost as pale as me just a different color hue in a sense.
Now with her bringing up skin it's rather messed up because of the fact that she knows about the fake i am severely anemic, have low blood suger problems and a breathing disorder, which was caused from me being born premature and part of it is general problems but not mention she knows its kind of a insecurity for me because of the my parents have always both had more darker complexion(my dad is a little darker then stereotypical skin tone for a Italian like the godfather type of look and my bio-mom is your basic white woman who was in he sun to long) B continued the message telling me all about how she was with j now describe their sex life and telling all about how me and S dating is messed up. Her message hurt cause she tried to guilt me into being her friend again and went all the way to blaming the sa I went when I was a kid through on me. She sent a lot more I don't want to share because she dug into a lot of my problems, I sat on my apartment couch crying for a bit before S came over after his classes giving me a "you'll never believe what happened today speech" before telling me about how J was only dating B to be petty.
I told him about B's text and reassured me in some stuff on the conversation. I blocked her. That was until a bunch people, some being people I thought were my friends started messaging me in my public account staying a bunch of shit about my relationship with S and calling me asshole for being with him and saying stuff about secrets I had told only to C, S and B. Or things only B new.
eventually a couple of the people posted stuff to their accounts or story's just spreading stuff around. This part is where I'm being called a asshole which I don't think I am but I genuinely need to know because what people think matters to me.
But I decided to post to my public Instagram explaining all the stuff that happened, that some of what people were spreading wasnt true and if they wanted someone to be cause problems than maybe look at themselves or maybe at B being shes hurt others and that if the want to help her by spreading stuff maybe they should spread the fact J is dating her to be petty and because he wants to cheat on her like she did S.
I had posted it to my story and I'm kinda thankful some of my friends helped spread the fact I was done but I'm also worried cause I dont like public drama I think it tears people apart but I got a lot of messages saying I was a bad person and an asshole for not telling B about what J said but also because I spoke up about it instead of just letting it happen. Apparently 'i should have been the bigger person and just been quiet and not have gotten with S and you wouldn't have to deal with drama' and there was a lot of there things that was said to me that made me feel like theres a 50/50 chance I am the asshole but I don't But I don't know at this point.
all I know is summers approaching I'm moving in with A for the summer, it was a sort of gift since she wanted me to be able to live out of my parent's(dad and stbsm's home being my niece and nephew are living there after my eldest sister passed away) and A is not home a lot and needs someone to take care of her cat and dogs. She said I should ask S if he was to live there for the summer with me and I probably will so he's not stuck going back to his home state being our apartment building will be closed for renovations over the summer.
But sorry that this was long and very rant like I'm not good at being down to the point so thanks for reading this whole thing, this really helped me thino through the situation and process so if anything else happens I might update because knowing be shes probably gonna try to start problems but i don't know but AITAH in this whole situation?

Falcons 🇩🇰 1-2 🇪🇺 G2

Vertigo: 16-13 Anubis: 3-13 Nuke: 5-13
 
Falcons is eliminated.
 

Map picks:

Falcons	MAP	G2
X	Inferno
	Mirage	X
✔	Vertigo
	Anubis	✔
X	Ancient
	Overpass	X
	Nuke

 

Full Match Stats:

Team	K-D	ADR	KAST	Rating
🇩🇰 Falcons
🇲🇪 Maden	46-45	77.1	76.2%	1.14
🇩🇰 dupreeh	39-44	73.6	71.4%	1.06
🇩🇰 Snappi	42-44	70.3	71.4%	1.00
🇪🇸 SunPayus	34-39	57.5	73.0%	0.98
🇩🇰 Magisk	28-48	65.2	69.8%	0.78
🇪🇺 G2
🇧🇦 NiKo	49-38	90.6	77.8%	1.33
🇷🇺 m0NESY	52-35	80.5	79.4%	1.29
🇧🇦 huNter-	43-39	76.8	74.6%	1.14
🇩🇰 HooXi	39-45	72.3	77.8%	1.03
🇷🇸 nexa	37-33	60.5	73.0%	0.97

 

Individual Map Stats:

Map 1: Vertigo

Team	T	CT	OT	Total
🇩🇰 Falcons	8	4	4	16
	CT	T	OT
🇪🇺 G2	4	8	1	13

 

Team	K-D	ADR	KAST	Rating
🇩🇰 Falcons
🇲🇪 Maden	31-15	109.8	86.2%	1.80
🇩🇰 dupreeh	20-16	79.6	75.9%	1.23
🇪🇸 SunPayus	16-12	56.0	79.3%	1.13
🇩🇰 Snappi	14-18	56.0	79.3%	0.92
🇩🇰 Magisk	14-18	71.6	75.9%	0.90
🇪🇺 G2
🇷🇺 m0NESY	23-17	67.9	69.0%	1.14
🇩🇰 HooXi	16-21	72.3	72.4%	0.93
🇧🇦 huNter-	15-18	64.6	62.1%	0.89
🇷🇸 nexa	14-18	54.1	58.6%	0.79
🇧🇦 NiKo	11-22	59.4	69.0%	0.78

Vertigo detailed stats and VOD

 

Map 2: Anubis

Team	T	CT	Total
🇩🇰 Falcons	1	2	3
	CT	T
🇪🇺 G2	11	2	13

 

Team	K-D	ADR	KAST	Rating
🇩🇰 Falcons
🇩🇰 Snappi	14-14	74.5	62.5%	1.02
🇪🇸 SunPayus	10-15	74.3	81.2%	0.97
🇩🇰 dupreeh	10-14	86.1	62.5%	0.91
🇩🇰 Magisk	9-13	74.3	75.0%	0.88
🇲🇪 Maden	5-15	40.8	68.8%	0.45
🇪🇺 G2
🇧🇦 NiKo	23-8	136.3	93.8%	2.23
🇧🇦 huNter-	14-9	85.5	87.5%	1.51
🇷🇸 nexa	13-8	87.6	93.8%	1.40
🇷🇺 m0NESY	12-10	81.8	93.8%	1.34
🇩🇰 HooXi	9-13	70.9	81.2%	0.91

Anubis detailed stats and VOD

 

Map 3: Nuke

Team	T	CT	Total
🇩🇰 Falcons	5	0	5
	CT	T
🇪🇺 G2	7	6	13

 

Team	K-D	ADR	KAST	Rating
🇩🇰 Falcons
🇩🇰 Snappi	14-12	89.7	66.7%	1.15
🇩🇰 dupreeh	9-14	52.8	72.2%	0.94
🇪🇸 SunPayus	8-12	45.1	55.6%	0.78
🇲🇪 Maden	10-15	56.6	66.7%	0.73
🇩🇰 Magisk	5-17	46.8	55.6%	0.50
🇪🇺 G2
🇷🇺 m0NESY	17-8	99.8	83.3%	1.58
🇧🇦 NiKo	15-8	100.2	77.8%	1.51
🇩🇰 HooXi	14-11	73.6	83.3%	1.29
🇧🇦 huNter-	14-12	88.7	83.3%	1.27
🇷🇸 nexa	10-7	46.9	77.8%	0.91

Nuke detailed stats and VOD

 

Highlights

M1 Maden - 4 AK kills on the bombsite A offensive to maintain their clean sheet - REPLAY

M1 dupreeh - 4 M4A1-S kills on the offensive

M1 m0NESY - 1vs2 clutch

M2 NiKo - 3 USP-S HS kills on the bombsite B retake

M2 NiKo - 1vs2 clutch

M2 HooXi - 4 AWP kills on the bombsite B defense

M2 m0NESY - 1vs2 AWP clutch

M2 huNter- - 1vs2 clutch - second half pistol round

M2 m0NESY's 1vs3 clutch attempt is denied by the final CT

M2 nexa wins the 1vs2 situation with the help of the bomb timer after falling to the final CT to secure the map victory for G2

M3 nexa - 3 Five Seven HS kills on the bombsite A retake

M3 SunPayus - quick 1vs2 clutch

 
This thread was created by the Post-Match Team. If you want to share any feedback or have any concerns, please message u/CS2_PostMatchThreads.

This is a rant post (I need to get this off my chest):-
On my return trips to Kashmir,I make it a point to visit my Ancestoral home in South Kashmir.Since most of my extended family lives in Sirinagar we have left the home to the care of our "pitters" (grandfather's brother's family).At this point it has became a routine of sorts that whenever I visit home most of my relatives from both maternal and paternal side get together at the old villa ( saal chi Karan sarni rishtedaran).This time among the invitees was my maternal cousin and her husband along with their sevevn year old son who live in a "posh" area of Srinagar and are from a "pir" khandan.
Already my said brother in law has a kind of superiority complex which comes with being a "peer" and a certain lack of historical knowledge(please note that I have nothing against anyone from pir khandans except for arrogant little bitches who believ they are better than all due to their name).I have a bit of a tense history with him and was against my cousin marrying him for reasons that I will not divulge and being the dumb and charged teen that I was I had openly opposed the marriage even against my cousin who I was personally close with since childhood ( she was in essence my older sister and had raised me ).
Anyways when my cousin and her family arrived we greeted them warmly but I noticed that my cousin as well as her husband talking to the kid in English , obviously the kid did not comprehend the language well and replied in Urdu but this kind of upset me .For a while I ignored it but the anger brewed in the back of my head .How my cousin was willingly destroying this poor kid's identity was beyond me ,also because she is very well educated and has a masters degree ,had qualified net as well as set and then left PhD to get married.
After lunch while everyone was hanging around a few of my relatives who live in anatanag seemed extremely impressed by the kid's ability to speak Urdu and were enjoying talking to him in broken gaamich Urdu .This again irritated me .Then my cousin sends the kid to me ,now the kid who acted like typical previliaged "sonne gobir" of big khandaans do threw a tantrum and refused to first talk to me which I was thankful for since my mental state at that point was quite broken.Then my brother in law brings along the kid and comes to me and goes ,"aap matna ho gande bache(which is an incorrect sentence in Urdu language),jao Karo mamu ke sath baat" and I lost it ,I said "mammu Kari ne Urdu pathe kath" (mammu won't talk in Urdu) ;my brother in law's face turned sour and was like "kyu nahi Karo GE Urdu Mai baat(why won't u talk in Urdu) " ,at which point I went on and schooled him about how he was destroying the identity of the boy and will destroy his language skills as well due to his obsession with feeling superior to others .At this point the guy went on a castist rant about how they are "peer" and don't need to talk to low class people ( we are Malik from Raina khandan) .My paternal cousin kind of a bruteish guy who was hearing all this grabbed the collar of the man and tossed him to the ground .After which my cousin sister cursed me and our family and along with her husband left with most of my maternal relatives following suite,boud hangaam wouth,mouhlas waach kath .The entire function turned sour and everyone dispersed .Most of my maternal relatives have ever since stopped talking to me and my family even to my mother who had nothing to do with it.I honestly don't care except for my mum who has been increasingly trying to mend the ties.
I know I behaved like an asshole but at some point I think there is a need to confront this menace of urduisation of the future generations and I don't care if we have to ruffle a few feathers for it .
Edit :-
THE POINT OF THIS POST:- I haven't written this post to brag about me bullying a kid or his father for speaking Urdu but to emphasize that speaking Urdu as a first language has become so common in some sections of kashmiri society that they don't even teach their kids kashur eventually leading them to not be fluent in any language at all and erasing their identity as Kashmiris .
ABOUT MY BROTHER IN LAW :-
Idk why probably from my writing a lot of people seem to assume that I am jealous of my brother in law (technically he isn't even that) :-
I have known the guy since my school days ,he was in highschool when I was in 2nd grade,he was a well known rich brat who had a shitty reputation among the younger generations .Even in the times when drugs and alcohol were not that common he was openly known as a druggist and an alcoholic.His parents sent him for MBBS to Russia and he returned 3 years later having not even passed his first semester while wasting atleast half a crore rupees for nothing .He also was known as a womanizer who hanged around women much younger to him and has an FIR registered against him for assault,which he got off due to contacts in the administration .He roamed with well known "gangsters " in srinagar.He made friends with another cousin of mine just to get in touch with my cousin sister who is 2 years his junior and got my cousin brother into drugs in the process.Idk how he even won over my sister and how he convinced her parents to agree to marriage .When he came to know that I had openly opposed the marriage he came to threaten me at home .He even had the tires of my dad's car slashed ,after which I beat the living shit out of him . Eventually he didn't want me invited to their wedding .He nowadays puts up a facade of being religious while people close to him promised me that he still drinks (it isn't too hard to miss that ).My cousin sister isn't entirely happy with him either but she won't acknowledge it openly ,she even had run off back home for a few months till he pressured her to get back with him .
ABOUT BEING CALLED A HYPOCRITE FOR STUDYING ABROAD:- The subject I work in has only in recent years started being taught in kashmir .It's a very research oriented subject with no real facilities in kashmir and not even in India.I haven't settled here ,neither do I plan to .Also being a man of principle I have learned the language of this place to a degree of proficiency that is enough to converse with the locals while English would have sufficed for my dad to day usage either way .

Guysss so mamy effing posts regarding suicides on this sub and people be commenting there like US BHAI US! KYUN?
Don't you guys have faith in God/bhagwaan/allah/mighty OR MOST IMPORTANTLY, PARENTS? Marr jao, jao marr jao. Abhi you can't tolerate parents disappointment mur jaane ke baad unki jo pain aur disappointment isse kai zyada hogi na, u guys won't even get a place in hell!
MAKE YOUR MINDS STRONG! Ye matt bolna bhashan sab dete hai, NAHI! I AM NOT HERE TO PELUFY GYAAN.
SOMETHING ABOUT ME: Jee apirant who failed miserably when I got 50%ile in 1st session. Didn't go for second one. Dad left us when I was 10 yrs old. All our sources of money gone! ! Only single parent, my mom! Still struggling with finances. My mom was always a house wife, she somehow got a job as pre-primary teacher before covid for 1 year and lost that job during covid also.
DID I GIVE UP? DID SHE GIVE UP? NO ! Not everyone is same. M not intelligent. I scored 93.2 percentage in 10th, 77 in 11th and 12th awaited. Still trying to get a low cost engineering college cuz I have HUGE PASSION FOR CSE and a college tag won't define me and my determination to get a good job.
If anyone get make their brains stronger with my story DO IT!
A BIT RELIGIOUSLY: I read hanuman chalisa everyday and pray to God everyday and I know my mom and I get food due to God only!
NOTE: MY ENTIRE IDENTITY IS TOTALLY ANONYMOUS ON REEDIT so that I can spread a piece of advice / suggestions without any judgmental opinions!
THANK YOU! ALWAYS STAY MOTIVATED YOU WILL DO IT
:)

Abhi to 11th shuru hi hui he. Institutes me teachers kehre he ki abhi to easy lere he kuch der me asli 11th ayegi. Yaha par bhi dekha he ki log 11th me badi Kushi Kushi se jate he par pata ni mughe 2nd week se hi dar lagna start ho gya he.
I don't know if it's because mere parents doctors he and I feel like I need to be as successful as them (despite them putting absolutely no pressure on me and encouraging me to do whatever I want, I hope everyone gets parents like them) or maybe as the first born I feel like I should set a good example for my brother (again, no pressure from parents' side).
I want to pursue something in aerospace but abhi se feeling Ari he ki mughe ni milegi. Maybe it's because I feel like 10th board me mene gand dala he, pure sal padhi lekin jab time Aya to last din hi padha Gaya. Shayad apne ap se disappointment ki waje se he. Pure sal apni class ke top 3 me thi, ab lagra he ki 75% ya thoda zyada hi ayenge.
Have no idea what to do so far except ride this wave for supposedly 2 years. Hopefully it will get better and not worse.

A couple of months ago, I made a post similar to this one here. After reading the comments of that post, I thought I had it all figured out. But after talking to my parents more about religion, I still don’t know how to get them to understand me. So I have written this post asking for more help.
Now, here some context you will need to understand where I’m coming from. I’m a former Christian, now turned agnostic atheist. I’m 19 years old, and currently living with my Christian family at the moment. My father is a pastor and my mother helps out in the church. Around early December of 2022, I started to question my faith, and started doing a lot of research to see if my belief in God was warranted. I didn’t talk to my father about my doubts because I was afraid that he might be mad at me because I was questioning my faith. Maybe I should have told him about these things earlier on, I don’t know. But after a couple of months of contemplating, I eventually stopped believing in God. But I kept pretending that I did just so I can make my parents happy. Around October or November of 2023, I finally got tired of pretending, and decided I was going to do something about it. I was either going to tell my parents that I am switching to another Christian denomination and be going to a different church (this way I wouldn’t have to deal with the activities of my parents church), or tell my parents I didn’t believe anymore. I ultimately decided to go with the latter option. I did so because firstly, my parents and I were living in Turkey at the time because of my father’s work, and there wasn’t many options for churches there. Secondly, I had met some friends there at the church who I had become quite close to, and didn’t want to complicate things. And Thirdly, my parents were skeptical about other churches and would much rather have me go to their church instead. So I told my father I didn’t believe in God anymore. I sometimes think that I should had chose the first option, or had kept quiet the entire time. My father was shocked to say the least. I tried talking to him about my problems I had with personal testimonies, miracles, faith etc., but my father wasn’t convinced. He told me that he should tell my mother about this, and I reluctantly agreed. Luckily my parents, don’t hate me or think I’m evil. But I believe that they think that I have gone off the path, and they want to talk to me so that I can believe again. And I have tried to explain why I don’t believe, but they don’t accept it as reasonable. Which brings me to the reason I’m writing this post. One of the things that we have a big disagreement on is miracles.
I have tried to explain to them why I personally don’t think that the “miracles” they believe in are not proof of God’s existence.
The first reason being the that there’s no correlation between prayer and something happening. For example, there are many cases where people pray for someone’s cancer to go away, but it never happens immediately. Instead they had to pray multiple time for months, and in that time they weren’t already getting treatment. Which mostly like played a role in fighting the cancer rather than the prayers. But they say that doesn’t prove that there wasn’t mean there was no miracle.
The second reason I gave was that there are many examples of prayers that are not answered. Like in South America, there are many Christians there, but they’re still people who get murdered, raped, died from disease etc. sometimes when they’re young. Or In the U.S. and the Caribbean, how many Christians prayed not to be hit by hurricanes and end up dying anyway. Their response to this is that because of the fall of man, one of the consequences was that natural disasters became apart of this world. And that suffering is just a natural part of this world. And those Christians who suffer and die will have peace in heaven. I’ve tried to explain to them that it’s messed up, but they still thinks it’s just.
But the reason why don’t understand me is because of their personal experiences.
You see, both of my parents came from abusive households. On my dad’s side, his father was addicted to drugs and alcohol. And because of his addictions, he would spend most the family’s money on these things. Causing the family to be fairly poor. He was also very abusive towards his wife and his children. He even went to jail one time for beating his wife, but he was set free after his wife refused to press charges. My dad’s family would go to a Catholic Church, my dad said that it didn’t help them. But everything changed when my dad’s parents were invited to an International Neo-Pentecostal church. There, my dad’s father was able to quit his addictions and be a better person overall.
I’ve tried to explain to my dad that just because someone is motivated to change for the better because of a religion, doesn’t mean that the religion is true. I even showed him videos of people changing because of religions other than Christianity. These are the videos I showed. I couldn’t find a lot but these are the ones I found:
https://youtu.be/_9dXVBjETLY?si=1D1zbihlR0RoyJgZ
https://youtu.be/kKeB9z3vZPg?si=jveO-YyfE4vZpMfj
https://youtu.be/3S8Tom-9OaU?si=gjdWGSvTSu2xYnSZ
https://youtu.be/RcEhK6UL47Q?si=DXzWEbyDJ5yN247X
https://youtu.be/JhHfgygiDOA?si=VIDxm28BR35fXW5L
https://www.youtube.com/live/ePxpD7juD4I?si=FAZg2eIoAEbViWGh
But he doesn’t consider those testimonies as valid. He doesn’t think they’re on par with the ones from the church. Because he’s been a pastor for many years, he has meet many people who have changed their lives because of Christianity. And he believes they’re all proof of God’s existence. If anyone is interested, here are some testimonies that my church has posted:
https://youtu.be/Yfa8X6_znk4?si=CgDnc6Bwrnxr31TY
https://youtu.be/phVCppl2ViI?si=_XY4gdLId0JZhhUc
https://youtu.be/17v2pB3GLX0?si=mZmDJuEe8kCqwE_5
https://youtu.be/74NcM90pb80?si=d-20cXrS5FmtX8aL
And there’s plenty of more testimonies like these. Like we know a woman in our church who was about to commit suicide by crashing her car. And before she was going to do it, she got a message from one of our members inviting her to the church. And it convinced her not to go through with it. And my parents don’t see it as a coincidence, they think God was behind it all. And I can’t seem to get through with them. So I was wondering if anybody knows of other testimonies like these produced by other religions, or secular groups for that matter.
On my mom’s side is a similar situation. My mom’s dad was an alcoholic working at a low paying job. That and the fact that my mom’s mother was illiterate, meant that my mom’s family was very poor. And my mom’s father would beat her and her mother often. And just like my father’s family, it was when they went to church that they were able to get better. But on top of that, my mother diagnosed with cancer at a very young age. She underwent a bunch of treatment and was in a lot but it kept getting worse. It eventually came a point where the doctors said there’s nothing they could do. It was only when my mom made one prayer, and the cancer was completely gone after a week. And the doctors said they had no idea how it happened. Another instance occurred when she was trying to have children. Because of treatment she underwent as a child and other problems with problems with her body, the doctors said she wouldn’t be able to have children. But after praying constantly, she was able to give birth to children, and the doctors had no explanation why.
Now I’ve tried to explain her calmly that there’s no correlation between her making a prayer and her getting healed. I’ve also tried to let her know that I do believe that what she had gone through did happen, I just don’t believe that God caused it. But she thinks that her experience is proof of God’s existence. She’s told this story twice already. And each of those time she gets emotional and cries, which also makes me cry. Because I don’t want my mom to be in so much pain trying to tell me her experience.
So I’m writing this post asking how do I get my parents to understand me. Because if I just say that these “miracles” are coincidences or I don’t know for sure what happened, there gonna think I’m the irrational one for not believing in this stuff. And I can’t just say I don’t believe and not give an explanation, because if I do, they’ll think that I’m choosing to ignore the truth. And I want to explain to them that I have good reasons not to believe.
Also another thing, I’m still going to church because of my friends and family. I’m doing so because I don’t want to have a bunch of debates with all of them, and I don’t want them to be mad or worried about me or my “salvation”. But I also don’t want to keep going to church for the rest of my life. Because my family doesn’t only go to church on Sundays. But they’re also involved in the many activities and groups of the church. One of the main things I’m concerned about is the youth group. Now I won’t go into all the details, because this post is long as it is, but maybe if you guys ask I’ll make a comment or a new post entirely. But anyway, I’ve come up with the idea of telling my parents I’m switching denominations. I was thinking about a Anglican or Lutheran church. This way they’ll still think I’m a Christian and I don’t have to go to their church. I’ve told my parents about this, but I’ve told them it’s about me exploring my faith. But they still don’t want me to go to another church in fear that I’ll be confused and lead astray. So I was wondering if you guys any advice on how I can convince my parents to go. But if I don’t give a good reason, I can come of across as foolishness, ignorant, rebellious and arrogant, and not a reasonable person.

Now I just saw siwet stories they are all his mom edits bro or kitni sympathy chaiye tuje Hnn bhai tu Frank hai Teri mom ke saath to theek hai hum smj Gaye Lekin why to put different edits on you and your mom Isn't it for sympathy And he is acting like he is the victim
Bhai iski harkate Ghar bhau jaise ho gayii hai No offence

Aakash assholes ke 🥕 AIATS or FTS me 🤓 sirf 302-308 marks aa 😅 rahe hain, private 🔒 college ki 🆖🤴 cutoff last 😍 year 📅 362 thi, 🦂🦂 is baar inflation bhi hogi,
mere 🏫 gand phat rahi hai kyunki papa bol rahe hain ki 🆖🤴 iss private me 💁🏻‍♂️ cuttoff clear 😋😉 nahi hua tho, 🙈✨💖 25 lakh per year 📅 ki 🆖🤴 deemed university Chennai me 🗿 dal dhenge, aur im 👩 used 🎾🎶 to living 😮 comfortably 💰💰📲 in 🏡👸 bangalore,
he is doing all of this because unke ek do friends ne unke beti ko 1 crore ki mbbs seat dilwa di, and they have 2 kids as well, so papa is like " if that guy can afford 1 crore seat while having 2 kids, mai tume MBBS karwe ke hi rahunga kyuki your my only son"

• mumma bol rahi hai ki i25 lakh per year 🙌💁 fees dhe denge tho, 😍✨🧚🏾‍♂️ ipad, 💻 naya phone, 📴 naya makeup ke 😍 liye paisa nahi bachega,

papa bol rahe hain ki 🆖🤴 village 😑 me 👉🙋‍♂️ paddy land 🛫 ko 🥰 bech kar smbal lenge par i 😊 don't ❌ believe him
previous year 362 tha tho iss year kitna inflation hoga iss bar?

So basically again nalla and nalli slams public once again ...once again unhone logo ke dhajiya udai hai haste hue and vo bhi proudly ki are ap aise ghumte ho isliye log mujhe bolte hai kangi tak nahi karti..no madam logo ko apke oanghi na karne se dikkat nahi hai ,logo ke apse ye bechari atma Bane ghumne se dikkat hai ,ye sanskari image ko ap duppata dalkar ghumti ho usse hai jabki we all know your past ,logo ko dikkat hai Ghar me 5 help rakhne ke bad bhi ,apni kud ki mom ko nannu banane ke bad bhi apke limitless laziness se ki 3 din Tak Bina nahaye ghumna or itne messy or unorganised tareeke se ghumne se...stop making fun of your audience just accept and improve yourself...ye audience hi hai jinke Karan AP yaha hai ... Log tumko call out tmhare pehli beti par bhi karte hai,log tumse or bhi cheejin bolte hai ,nahati kyu nahi do do din ,kitchen itna messy unhygienic kyun rakhti ho,Ghar especially bedroom itna unhygienic kyun rakhti ho,itna jhoot kyun bolti ho,itni notanki kyun karti hu,sasur ke liye khana kyun nahi pakati ho ? Hindu festival manane me Pooja karne me ,arti ke geet kaha Gaya sab ye bhi puchte hai kabhi Inka bhi haste haste jawab de dena.

Just like everyone here l was also that 10 cgpa school . did well in 11 th . Was a bright student and everyone around was sure that l will get into some IIT-NIT . 12 th got wasted due to misguidance by a mentorship program and a heartbreak from a girl whom l liked for some 5 yrs . During board exams l had migraine attacks and ended up getting 65% in HSC boards . I decided to take drop year since l knew l had enough grit to getting into a tier 1 clg .
Was doing averagely well until my board results arrived but then life took a flip . Every person made me feel shitty and worthless including my parents . The taunt which l used to hear daily was “Ek saal barbaad kar diya isne” . Even my younger cousins who were in 7-8th were saying out loud and making fun of me . I got severe migraine due to excessive stress . Even when l had migraine my parents were like isko toh hamesha ka natak hai . On top of that l was into severe depression and just fighting with my guilts and past regrets .
Consulted multiple doctors and got diagnosed with migraine and acute spondylosis . Science didn’t work so decided to get ayurvedic treatment . Some days were terrible and felt like mereko maar jane hai and couldn’t take this pain anymore . It was September month so decided to shift my focus to mains . Started again from ashes in September for mains specific prep . Used to watch one shot lectures , make notes and solve pyqs . This continued for few days and then my family got into ugly fights with some people who were doing wrong . Things turned violent at some point , haar din baas zhagda aur kalesh chalta tha . Both of my parents are working so no one really knows how much it impacted me and my prep . To let you know the gravity of the situation l used to take phone with audio recorder turned on in the background whenever l went downstairs . I just wished the things to end and it got sorted in Mid jan . By the time main was so close and l just studied as much as l could but guess what l ended up getting 69%tile . My migraine got better till December with ayurvedic treatment .
Mom said to focus on improvement exam cuz it was just few days away . l was just juggling between mains 2 prep and boards . Didn’t really know what to do . On top of that whenever l get stressed my migraine just erects . Boards ended on 16 March . Made 2 amazing friends whom l used to give lift on scotty . But faded away after boards .Had barely 15 days in my hands and didn’t do much seriously . Ended up doing even worse in S2 . Made lots of error in exam as well .
l had my exam on 5 th april and seriously l am just finding it hard to study even for an hour . It feels like l am fighting with my own soul . Had a conversation with my mom and she thinks that l am responsible for this . Why can’t just they accept that it wasn’t completely my fault . l didn’t know how to deal with rejection cuz no one ever taught me , l didn’t know how people can just scam me for some pity money , l didn’t ask for migraine nor did l expected so much of fights and toxic environment in the peak months of my prep . And today my mom made me realize that l was just their investment which is going to give higher returns than FD or mutual funds . My parents just said l wasted 3 years of my life and their hard earned money whereas the cost spent on my prep which was around 1 lakh including school fees . She just wants me to work in a coaching centre or somewhere for some money cuz indirectly their words only meant that l am a burden on my family .
l just don’t feel like studying anymore and on top of that 2 saal se mai depression hu . I always act positively and trying to remain as positive as possible lekin ab na himmat khatam ho gayi hai lad lad kar . Even today l had migraine but ab baas addat si ho gayi sab chizo se cope karne ki . I just no longer relate myself with my younger self jisko kisi tier 1 college mai jakar AI based cybersecurity startup kholna tha . I am just lost and there’s no one in my life jisko yeh sab bol saku . Friends who aredoing better than me just never understood my issues and quoted that yeh baas excuses deta hai whereas joh muzse not so better hai they only care for me when they need my favours . JEE ne baas ek chiz sikha di ki no one is truely yours . Dosto ke liye l am just another resource and Maa baap ke liye mai baas ek retirement investment hu (altough l love them but ab muze baas yeh log toxicity de rahe hai) . When l try to say something against them my dad just says l’m doing TAAL which means mai rai ka padhad bana raha hu. l seriously don’t know main itna chutiya kaise ho gaya hu . So much of past trauma , physical and mental helath issues and ofc why not an ocean full of badluck .
It has been almost few hours and l am just crying . Pata nahi kyu roo raha hu baas can’t stop the tears . Thank you god for the pain shayad main yahi deserve karta hu .

1st attempt : 95 .24 percentile (30 Jan S1)
2nd Attempt : 90.3 percentile ( 9 s1)
Apni legendary rank bhi dekh liya🙂...I'm a dropper ......guilt ho rha tha ..lekin dimaag bhi yeh bhi tha ki last year ke 66 se itna geya hoon🙂
Aaj subah mom ne achanak bola "kya kar liya yaar. Apne phone number rank se sirf heritage aur iem milega tedeko ...isse behtar bolte hum management quota Mai tumhe admission dila dete last yr ..1 yr barbad Kiya tune "
So basically heritage and iem ar two renowned / shitty private colleges of West Bengal ..ik people with 40 percent in boards getting ece in these colleges
After hearing this .. immediately my eyes were filled with tears ..last year Mai jaha tha aaj bhi mai waha hoon 🙂....I'd not blame anything like I'm general male or nta ..just I regret myself talking a drop 🙂.....i fucking regret 🙂
I'm giving wbjee and bitsat ..but I'm sure I'll mess up these exams 🙂..and rank inflation to hoga hi 🙂..feeling extremely hopeless

Hello Bhaiyon (dk if theres any girl giving this shitty exam) saw my result rn its 2:00am got a rank around 5lakh i knew that was gonna happen im not surprised i wasted 2 years of my life just watching tv show, tv series, movies, web series, games, insta, reddit, twitter and the thing which fucked my life the most was yt cant curse that shit lesser it destroyed everything behenchod sirf mindless scrolling or chudap info jo mere kuch kaam ki nahi 18 saal ka londa kya karega geopolitics or doosri chudaap chizo k baare me jaankar ye podcast walo ko bomb se uda dena chahiye behenchod.... ok enough of ranting on yt lemme continue, mera dimaag kharab ho chuka hai mai apne aap se hi baat karta rehta hu poore din maine mere dimaag me ek character bana lia hai jisse mai poore din baatein karta rehta hu meri maa ko mujhse bohot hope hai including my extended family ab mai kya bolu unhe mere toh boards bhi chud gaye hai i think im gonna fail boards too, maine pata nhi kya hi thoka hai paper me, porn addiction bhi lag gayi hai par jab control karta hu toh 15-15 din tak muth nahi maarta my life is fucked idk what am i gonna do.
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writing this the next afternoon : hello stayed up the entire night thinking about what am i gonna do in the near future and didn't get much clarity on it but all i know is that this shit has hit me in my head and im making a decision ''im taking a drop this year'' after thinking straight for 12 hours, im making this decision and im gonna do this online this year fuck everything. ab ego par chadh gayi mere ye exam logon ke results dekhne ke baad, im gonna kms if i fail this year or rather kms in the shock of passing either way im gonna die so why not die trying. do not get influenced by looking at this post mera dimmag kharab hai tum logon ka nahi do whatever u feel just remember that god is by your side.
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I'm gonna end this by quoting Han from F&F life is simple, you make choices and you don't look back gand maardo sabki nahi toh ek na ek din tum sabki maa chudegi very soon ilyall and im gonna come back to this sub after a year either by celebrating or by writing a su!cde note.

THIS IS NOT A SYMPATHY POST, I NEED HELP!!!
I'm eligible for advanced but my percentile is nowhere close to my expected percentile
97 was expected at least 98 was most probable even more than that but idk what happened
I got 68 in physics (100% accuracy), got 83 percentile?!! 51 in maths (1 incorrect), got 95 percentile?!!! Itna kam dono me kaise possible hai yaar, last time physics me 56 and maths me 38 laake bhi 90 and 97 percentile respectively tha 27s2 me ab ue kaise kam ho gaya zyada laake
Guys my self confidence has shattered into a million pieces and I understand why people commit suicide
My parents are okay with this but my grandfather who's a big influence, both financially and academically thinks that I'm a worthless turd and has refused to support me at all, my mom assured me that she would even go as far as to selling her jewellery for me and all her other possessions apart from her salary, my father is also there but I can't see them sacrifice so much for me, my grandmother is just there to console me but my grandfather keeps record of both her and his net worth (both are retired now) and he has basically told me to fuck off and do Bsc as we all know it doesn't have any value but he doesn't care
I was scammed by my coaching and that's a whole other point of contention but they tried to sabotage my scores so that unke star batch waale candidates would fare well by a really wide margin, and mere session 1 ke pehle tak 100 bhi cross nahi ho rahe the, I barely had any support, just maths ke liye ek sir alag se lagaaye, he is God, literally mere single digit math score ko unhone confidence badhaake 51 kar diya, but itni mehnat karke bhi itne kam time mein my grandfather thinks that I am a complete chutiya aur mujhse kuch nahi hone wala
My mom explained how I've cleared JEE and it doesn't matter if I did it by 1 mark or by 200, winning is winning, but I don't know guys I need help, I feel like giving up and committing suicide even though I know that it's wrong and disrespectful to those who are still supporting me and also because I'm scared of suicide so I won't but a part of me has died, I hope I'll die due to some accident because I don't wanna live, I'll work hard but still I don't wanna live but I'll live unfortunately

sabse pehli baat ladki hu , oldest in my generation ig? my parents were the oldest so mere bad the next kid is like 7 years younger . Anyways typical middle class family , had nice education n all , dad's an engineer , moms a housewife . We get transferred like every 4 years and as a shy introverted kid it never worked to my favour . (i hv changed my schools 7 times so 8 in total lol) . Jyada dost nhi the bachpan me , so I was always eager to please .I've a childhood friend who was the exact opposite of me , she was and is so gorgeous , so popular , really really rich , smart and confident n all . So 6th me when i was changing my school AGAIN . I dediced to change my entire personality .pretended to be extroverted , enganged with everyone rememeber littlest details about a person to make em like me , participated sare chizo me etc etc . And it worked , so I lived with that facade . Ghar wale and relatives are nice only and bachpan me kabhi shayad unhone boldiya tha ki u would make a great doctor so tabse that was my dream lol . Har saal , har bar kisi se bhi baat karu they were like oh ur gonna be a doctor right? AM I ? LOL IDK ? Lost a friend to suicide last year , i tried helping her throughout my 12th , had a guy who liked me and was like I'll die without u so u hv to be with me and had another friend who was bullied a lot as a kid/teen so she was always reliant on me . so yea basically (not trying to be rude but) depressed logo ki army ko kandhe me baitha liya tha . Apni prep ke sath + ye 3 log + maintaining a facade + parental/ relatives ka expectation + a lot of health issue . Maybe it aint a big deal but2023 neet ke kuch time pehle so i broke down and i told my depressed friend ki i need a break (kitna hi 4 ghante har roz usse baat karke sehlati) ting ting ting she killed herself , uske bad kya mind fuck hogaya , neet fuck hogaya . took a drop cut myself off from everyone , like total isolation from everyone till like november - decemeber kyuki neet maa ch*** me burnt out thi , andar se numb hogayi thi . ig i needed time so i took it ..I wasnt really itna smart sach batau to online jab chal raha tha bahut mast cheating ki he mene haha but 12th me jarur mehnat ki . january se prep phirse start ki mene , boderline prep he , cant say selection hoga ki nhi par I AM SO TIRED . honestly idk if m doing neet to please my parents , society , to maintain that facade , to help others so that i feel good and gracious OR FOR MYSELF?
Anyways mujhe marne ka irada nhi he , nahi compromise karne ka , I was feeling hella anxious n stressed but honestly bhagvan if u exist , I leave everything to u . tumne dekhi he meri life , I'll revise ache se jitne din bache he , ji jaan laga dungi , baki sab tum dekho . If this is the path that u want me to follow then hoga nhi to maa chu*** neet . Vaise bhi saare doctors depressed hi baithe he . And if anyone read this post this far , sabse pehli baat WOW lol and ig thank you makes me feel heard n seen . Aur agar kisi ne nhi padha to koi na , unki validation ke liye thodi na likha he . Aur ha mocks ke score nhi direct neet ka hi bata dungi 10 din me . take care <3

Bhenchod ye dekh kar toh gand phat gayi %ile dekh kar nahi ye dekh kar ki BC 96%ile pe bhi 61K rank i was expecting around 40-45K ye dekh kar toh literally bhai ab samj hi nahi araha, Mai ek ISI/CMI Aspirant hu maine soch tha ki ek college secure kar lunga agar ISI ya CMI mai is saal nahi hua toh kam se kam is chutiye exam ke liye drop nahi lena padhega Jee main 1 result ke baad laga ki Ab toh ho gaya toh kya hi padhu Iske liye, Maybe tum log kaho ge ki ISI aur CMI ka aspirant hai tabhi Maths mai 88%ile ayi hai i accept its fucking bad but at that point maine jee mains 2 se phele ek mock bhi nahi diya tha wahi maine jee mains1 se phele 30 mock diye the + us time mai Number theory aur Geometry padh raha tha toh haan gali deni hai maths ke liye toh dedo, Ab bhai samj hi nahi araha kya karu phele lag raha tha ki NITK mil jayega(Genreal BTW) with lower or decent branch but ab lag raha hai nahi milega fuck bhai, Kya koi bata sakta hai ki college %ile ke basic pe milta hai ya rank ke? Ab ho sakta hai just to save college i have to switch back toh physics and chemistry(Yes maine 1-1.5 month se Physics aur chem hath bhi nahi lagyi hai) and probably have to leave the dream of ISI or CMI for a while, agar koi suggestions hai toh dedo please
Sukriya padhne ke liye

Note: Sorry if this post is kind of long, had so much on my mind and feeling overwhlemed, and it may not be written the best. And my journey has been kind of long as to how I got back to my faith so this is the truncated version. Thank you to anyone willing to read this and give any feedback.
Dear everyone, I'm just writing this because, as of late, I’ve been feeling a lot of internal conflict as I have been researching early Christianity, and I need to get some things off my chest. First, my story: I’ve been a Christian and grew up in a Christian family my whole life. However, I will say I was not living out my faith properly. And I had never read the Scriptures. It took until some [to this day] undiagnosed medical issue in 2017 that, long story short, led me to the internet to find some solace. And in that time, I ended up speaking inappropriately with someone online; the person had a severe p*rn addiction—and I did too for a number of years.
However, during our talks, some strange things started happening [God must have been working on me] because what woke me up was one night, I felt something was wrong in my spirit with this person they were binging p*rn on Twitter. I gathered my parents to pray for them for the first time. No sooner did we stop praying, and immediately my phone lit up, and it was them in my DM’s wanting to talk. We did end up s*xting that night, even after the prayer. But I knew God had heard me. The following night, I felt bad about what we had done, so I went alone to my room to pray about it. No sooner was I done praying than my phone lit up, and I thought it was the guy. It wasn’t. It was a lady [who wasn’t a Christian] from my one online group, and she said to me, “How are you, and how is your friend?” And I ask, “You mean the guy?” And she goes, “Yeah, I just got the feeling I needed to contact you.” It was at this moment I knew God heard my prayers. So I quit everything. Listening to adult audios, watching any p*rn, s*xting. All of it cold turkey. I haven’t looked back, and this was in 2018.
I’ve now read the Scriptures four times, from Genesis to Revelation, cover to cover. And currently, it is my fifth time reading it. And in 2023 [even though I was baptized as a pre-teen], I decided to be baptized again at a church function to show a re-dedication to the Lord and make my turnaround official. I run a group on Discord, primarily a place for fellowship and anyone struggling with p*rn addiction for support. I have two online buddies who were busy researching where they wanted to go to church. Eventually, one landed in Orthodoxy, and one landed in Catholicism. The one who landed in Catholicism started causing a stir in my chat. Calling me a heretic out of nowhere and some other things. Which threw me into a loop because I couldn’t figure out why. I was on my journey of finding a church; I had left the church I’d been a part of for my whole life because leadership was having to change over because our pastor was getting too old, but I saw them going in weird directions. If anyone has heard of it, some are related to this NAR (New Apostolic Reformation) stuff. I kept praying to God to help me find a place. And I finally did.
Before finding them, I was streaming a Baptist church and landed on a nice stream of a Messianic Jewish community. I would have attended it if the Messianic community had been closer to me. But I did find a nice small church in my community. They welcomed me in like I’d been there my whole life; we park ourselves in chapters of the Bible and just read them through. Something that was lacking at the church I left. Not enough Bible reading. The place I’m at now checked all the boxes I was looking for. Until I begrudgingly [because of my newly Catholic buddy yelling at me about being a heretic] started digging into church father quotes. I don’t have the time to read everything the fathers ever wrote fully, but just from the quotes I have seen, I quickly realized they weren’t speaking like our side. I have been trying to piece together “What was the early church like?" What were the early Christians learning?” that's why my first stop was Messianic Jewish. I thought this might have been what the early church was like. My internal conflict kind of has started with the more I’ve been listening to Catholic apologists and continuing to go to the church I’m at, wondering if I’m learning correctly. Also, some of the comments I’ve begun to hear at this church have made me recoil. Things like “it’s not about religion, it’s about relationship.” And as I’ve continued to learn, what threw me over the edge was learning about baby baptism.
I had been researching the topic a night before a Bible study get-together and saw quotes that it was a tradition passed down by the apostles. I get to Bible study the next day, and a guy brings up that he was talking with someone, and it got on the topic of baby baptism, and he had told him, “[infant baptism] that’s unbiblical.” I stopped him and said I was coming across early church fathers speaking about infant baptism and that it was Biblical. I couldn’t remember the verses then, but I said, “bible verses speak of whole households being baptized.” The main lady who runs the study asked, “Where in the Bible does it say that?” I said I couldn’t remember, but it does say “entire households,” and then I mentioned something more about early church fathers. She stops, pats her Bible on the table, and says, “These are the early church fathers.” So, I haven’t said anything else at Bible study again. Because I realized I’m just going to get shut down. All this being said, I feel this pent-up exasperation about not knowing what to do with this information. I like the church that God, I think, led me to. But seeing the early church quotes makes me question things. I’ve been listening to the Catholic Catechism in a year with Fr. Mike Schmitz because I want to give a fair assessment of what the church actually teaches. What’s been hard is all the rhetoric from our side that’s decisively anti-catholic. People like John MacArthur, and I'm seeing now Spencer Smith releasing more anti-Catholic videos. He was a big help waking us up to what's happening in evangelical churches.
Anyway, my cousin [his wife’s family is Catholic] has been looking into things and trying to learn, but he must have come across anti-Catholic stuff; he won’t celebrate Christmas or Easter anymore cause “it’s pagan.” A family friend went and got themselves mixed up with the Seventh-day Adventists, so she is anti-Catholic and anti-Christmas and Easter. I told my aunt [my cousin's mom] that I was reading the early church fathers and that they sounded different than us, and I said I was reading the Catholic Catechism because I wanted to know what Catholics teach. She says I need to be careful not to go down a rabbit hole that’s not Biblical. She also mentioned that confession wasn’t Biblical cause Jesus tore down the veil. Even though I see church fathers' quotes that talk about confession and see the passages related to it. I think our objections to confession seem silly. If confession helps people to go and sin no more, I have no issue with it. My aunt [after seeing her daughter-in-law's family] has the opinion that Catholics don't read their Scriptures because I think they've gotten the line of "Whatever my priest tells me." But I've heard this from ex-Catholics in my Bible study at church. That they never had a Catholic Bible. And their family wouldn't read the Scriptures themself, "I listen to what my priest tells me." I was surprised someone also said a Lutheran they knew wouldn't read their Scriptures.
As for me, I started praying the Scriptural rosary every day. I wanted to learn or memorize verses, so I hoped the rosary's longer form would help with that. Also, weekly, pray the patriotic rosary for the country. I feel like a theological nomad, but I'm unsure where I fit in. At first, I felt like I got along with the people at this church, and I do, but I feel like my opinions are changing to more Catholic, and having to keep them to myself. The last Bible study made me uncomfortable because we spent too much time reviewing Matthew 1:25. After Jesus was born, Mary and Joseph had relations. And I’m slowly aligning myself with the idea, especially since the early church seemed to teach Mary was an ever-virgin and had no relations with Joseph. I've also been a little put off by the anti-authority attitude I've witnessed. The one guy came from a Lutheran background, and I guess he had asked the pastor why he faced the alter, and the pastor said, "I am interceding for you." He retorted, "I don't need you to intercede for me." And seeing how many opposite views each side has. It's like we teach polar opposite stuff, like about baptism, the Lord's supper, Mary and Joseph, the rapture, justification, etc. It's frustrating to deal with the competing voices and to wonder who has the right views on the text. Sorry this has been so long, and I need to vent. This has been a lot to go from having no solid faith life to diving into my faith heavily ever since what happened to me in 2018. And even though my parents are strong Christians. I still have been attending church alone because of various reasons on my parent's part. It’s a church close to my aunt, and I haven’t gotten her to attend it with me either. And it being close was part of the reason I picked it. And here I am, questioning where I'm attending again. And lastly, guess my exasperation is at our side. We have not ever been taught early church history. Not pre-reformation or even post reformation history. I never knew anything prior to reading the Scriptures for the first time. I just picked the Bible off my shelf and started reading it.
PS. This is off-topic, but could someone view these videos and give me their opinion? I tried seeing if a couple of Catholic apologists would rebut [the first video], but I didn't hear back. And the second video, some of the points just seem ridiculous.
https://youtu.be/au5HYou5MEE?si=JYpDh-XQ_Ff0yi_3
and
https://youtu.be/EdZ8WHYeHuY?si=9ZR4QfdhwUvVsoiX
These are the Rosaries I've been doing:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3ZaBqjXPdoKeCs7FKGiQnk7vC7YQddPJ
and
https://youtu.be/F7bMdhBez78?si=HCGklCQndr8HLUGd