Tapas Part 3 - Bliss Upon Bliss

Recap
Part 1 covered the concept of tapas, or spiritual austerities, and how you can use tapas to magnify and enhance the sexual energy created through semen retention into tejas, an "inner radiance, fearlessness, majesty, and authority".
It also covered the concept of syntropy, which is how a system is able to conserve, increase and synchronize energy within itself, which is the reason why you get so many benefits from semen retention. Yoga, meditation and tapas all increase syntropy as well.
You can find Part 1 here.
Part 2 detailed how to use tapas to overcome craving, both for the urge to masturbate and for all cravings in general. It detailed some of the science behind why yoga and breathing exercises are just about the most syntropic things you could ever possibly do, by regulating both the endocrine and nervous systems, and activating and clearing out your energy body, called the pranamaya kosha in yoga. Then I introduced some new yogic techniques to introduce more prana and tejas into the system.
You can find Part 2 here.
In this post, we will cover :

• A quick section on "limbic friction";
• How to make good use of the power of resolves, or "strong determinations", in order to boost confidence in yourself, to become the one person you can always count on, and to strategically release dopamine and testosterone in order to rewire your brain to be oriented towards resilience and success;
• Why proper meditation is even more syntropic than the postures and breathing exercises of yoga;
• The process by which meditation purifies the nervous system/mind/consciousness;
• How deep states of meditation, known as jhanas, create the highest level of syntropy within the body-mind system, as well as unbelievable amounts of bliss;
• The relationship between the energy gained from semen retention, the bliss and syntropy of jhana, and how the two relate to tantric sex.

Part 4 will cover :

• How tapas trains circuits within a primitive part of the brain, which, when strengthened, allow you to have built-in, automatic discipline;
• The importance of disciplining oneself with ethics, how it benefits your semen retention practice, and how it is both foundational to success in meditation, as well as a powerful form of tapas;
• A type of meditation on fire itself that quickly builds powerful levels of concentration and can even lead to some trippy experiences. And of course, it greatly increases syntropy and tejas.

Giddy up!

Limbic Friction

Tapas will take your semen retention practice, as well as the rest of your life, to entirely new heights. Tapas involves overcoming limbic friction - the uncomfortable feeling your nervous system creates to try to convince you to stay in your hazy comfort zone, to avoid doing the difficult things.
You know, the things that will allow you to grow.
Limbic friction will also pop up when you try to not indulge in the thing you’re craving.
Limbic friction just keeps you trapped in your tidy little box of comfort. While it may be comfortable and familiar, no real growth can occur inside this box.
Everything you’ve ever dreamed of is on the other side of fear and discomfort.
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." - Seneca
The goal of tapas is to simply feel that limbic friction, to fully accept it, and then proceed ahead anyway. That’s it.

Gain Confidence and Boost Testosterone with Resolves

While we’re on the topic of pushing ourselves, let’s discuss the power of making resolves. In the 3rd post of the series on overcoming craving, Becoming a King with Equanimity, we discussed how they make great use of “strong determination sits” in Goenka-style meditation retreats.
This simply means that when you sit for meditation, you make a vow to sit perfectly still for the entire hour of your meditation session - you can’t move your hands, your feet, or open your eyes once the sit begins.
Not only does this up the level of discomfort, forcing you to either develop equanimity or die trying, it also increases your confidence in yourself. You say you’re going to do something tough and you prove to yourself that you can do it.
Strong determination sitting is a powerful practice, but the real point is making a resolve to do something difficult and then sticking to it no matter what.
This practice is called adhitthana, and it is one of the Ten Perfections of Theravadan Buddhism that a person aspiring to awaken must master in order to bring about awakening.
For a beginner meditator, the resolve should be only be to sit every day, with out fail - even if it's just ten minutes.
It’s easy to see why this practice goes hand in hand with tapas. Let's say you are a beginner meditator, and you make a resolve or "strong determination" to sit every single day, for at least ten minutes. For someone who has never meditated, that's actually a pretty tough thing to stick to.
But then, one fine spring Friday afternoon, you meet up with your buddy and grab a couple of beers (or insert whatever your temptation is). You get home and look at your meditation cushion and even ten minutes seems like too much.
This is your mind being a little bitch!
But you're a retainer practicing tapas, and having made this strong determination to sit for ten minutes every night means there is no backing out. To back out is to admit defeat, to let yourself down, and to prove to yourself how unreliable you are.
Barring utter catastrophe, you will do your evening ten minute sit.
So you sit, and even though the meditation drags on and on because you’ve had a couple, you make it through and viola - a big check is deposited in your “confidence and dependability” account.
Making resolutions and sticking to them is a powerful method to make progress fast, not just with your semen retention/yoga/meditation practice, but in life in general.
In a world of uncertainty, when people seem to get more and more flaky and unreliable, be the one person who you can always depend on.
It’s a promise you must keep in order for it to pay off, otherwise you’re just reinforcing the habit that it's ok for your mind to take the easy way out.
Start with small resolutions, resolutions you know you can hold yourself to. You want to set up a positive feedback loop of winning. These successive small wins lead to more wins, as each win increases dopamine and testosterone - a phenomena known as The Winner Effect.

Scientists have found that when we win something, regardless of how small, the brain releases dopamine and testosterone, chemicals associated with confidence, attention, and mood. Interestingly, studies have shown that the brain can rewire itself for success over time.

It's a match against yourself - who will win? Your old lazy self, or the new and improved self?
Strong Determinations in Practice
Once you’ve proven to yourself you can rely on yourself, slowly start upping the ante. Don't try to jump immediately from a slovenly wimp to the Olympic-level athlete of austerities or meditation, because you’ll simply fail - and that's proving to yourself you aren't dependable.
And remember, you can make resolutions with anything, not just yoga and meditation:

• Resolve to not look at your phone for the next hour;
• Or to not get on Reddit at all tomorrow;
• Or to take weekends off of Discord;
• Or resolve to clean your entire room, top to bottom, in one stretch.

Or how about actually starting your workout routine and sticking to it? Or resolve to give up whatever your crutch is, and actually follow through this time? The smart man would be sure to build up with some smaller wins before you try to drop your big crutch.
The goal is simply to stick to your resolutions!
Start off making them small and manageable.
Each time you stick to your resolution will be a win, dopamine and testosterone will be released, and overtime this will rewire your brain towards badassery. Your confidence and strength will grow and grow. Only when there is no more limbic friction from the original resolution do you add another or increase the intensity of the original resolution.
Prove to yourself that you are dependable and watch your confidence skyrocket. I've included a video at the end of this post talking about the benefits of strong determination and resolves as they relate to meditation, but remember - these resolves can benefit you in regards to any behavior.
The late and great Anthony Bourdain

Meditation for Tejas

As we covered in Part 2, yoga, with its postures, breathing exercises, and energetic locks and seals, is easily the fastest and almost the most effective manner of increasing tejas.
What about meditation? Well, let's all be honest, for most beginners, meditation is a bitch. It's difficult to sit down, stop the constant doing, disengage from all that thinking in your mind and focus on one object to the exclusion of all others.
But once you're good at meditating, it is perhaps the most syntropic thing you can possibly do. Stilling the mind is the epitome of conserving energy - your body isn't moving and now, even your mind has reached stillness.
And once you get really good at meditation, a positive feedback loop occurs in the mind, magnifying energy in the body-mind system many times over - so much so that it starts producing an intense bodily bliss and mental happiness, respectively called piti and sukha.
When piti (rapture) and sukha (joy, mental bliss) start arising, you can be sure that you're on the precipice of what is known as jhanas in Buddhism, and dhyana/samadhi in yoga. These are meditative absorptions that are extremely purifying and endlessly praised by the Buddha, not only as one of the proper ways to meditate, but as the one and only type of pleasure to actively seek out.
And believe it or not, the pleasure of jhana can exceed even the pleasure of sex, and can last much, much longer.
You know how people with anxiety get stuck in a loop of rumination that just magnifies their anxiety? Jhanas are the opposite of this anxiety loop.

"Anxiety can capture attention, which can lead to more anxiety, which can capture more attention, and so on, leading to a physiological response (e.g. heart rate changes, sweating, in the extreme case a panic attack). Jhana meditators create a similar positive feedback loop between attention and pleasure." Jhourney - These are guys who led the metta retreat where I was first able to achieve jhanas

Once you can get to this level in your sits, then some real juice is added to your meditation, and tejas will start overflowing.
Thy cup will runneth over, as they say.
And as we'll see in an eventual post in the Craving Series, once you get to the point of reliably reaching jhanas, you can say bye bye to pretty much any and all cravings. Why? Because why would you want to masturbate, getting only 5-10 minutes of pleasure, when you can sit down and hang out in a much more pleasurable jhana for 20 minutes to 2 hours?
And that pleasure, ease and joy follows you around the rest of the day, coloring everything you do. It's difficult to crave when you're already deeply satisfied.

Purificatory Fire of Meditation

But that leaves us with the problem of getting good enough at meditation to achieve those states of bliss, and now that I've mentioned how amazing some of these higher states of meditation can be, I may have inadvertently caused you to crave them.
And you cannot reach jhana from a place of craving. In fact, jhanas are all about letting go. More on that in the Craving Series.
However, worry not! Just beginning on the path of meditation starts working wonders for the purificatory process, no matter how "bad" you may be at it.
Recall how in Tapas Pt 2, I mentioned how effective yoga asanas and pranayama are at cleaning out the gunk and detritus from the nervous system/mind/energy body?
Meditation does the exact same thing, even if you think you're doing it poorly.
So, as a beginner or someone who thinks they "can't meditate", understand that each time you sit down and do metta, or focus on the breath, or do vipassana, or recite a mantra, or whatever, even if you think you aren't meditating well, as long as you know your technique is proper, you're doing great, and it's having quite the purifying effect on the brain/mind/nervous system.
Recall in the previous post how I mentioned that once the gunk is cleared from the system, that it is like living life as a child again? Perceptions become crisp and clear, wonder and joy are always right around the corner, and things become "feather light and paper thin" - meaning things feel less solid, and more vibrant, vibratory, alive.

“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro' narrow chinks of his cavern.” - William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

Here are a few key quotes from one of my favorite books on meditation, The Science of Enlightenment : How Meditation Works by Shinzen Young. I highly recommend this book, especially for science-oriented types. The "fixating forces" he mentions in the following quote are our deeply ingrained habit patterns of chasing after the pleasant and running from the unpleasant (tanha, craving) and the word kleshas refers to the three defilements#Three_poisons) of craving, aversion and ignorance.

"So if, as many believe, we really are imbedded in spiritual reality, why don't we see it? Why isn't every vision beatific? It's because of fixating forces deep down in the subconscious. And our job, according to a plethora of self-help paradigms, is to become free from these forces.
"In the Buddhist, Hindu, and Abrahamic contemplative traditions, the process of becoming free of those limiting forces is sometimes referred to as purification (vishuddhi in Sanskrit; catharsis in Greek). Purification could be described as the process that breaks this material up, digests it, metabolizes it, and (pardon the metaphor) excretes it. Purification is what it 'tastes like' as we are getting free from those limiting grooves. It's a sort of immediate reward. You sense that the limitations of the past are being metabolized and a bright future is being created because of the way you're experiencing a certain something in the present. Once you learn the taste of purification, your growth goes exponential. The ability to taste purification is the sign of a mature spiritual palate.
"From a Buddhist perspective, that old material gets worked through by pouring clarity (mindfulness) and equanimity into the experience of the moment. That clarity and equanimity percolate down into the subconscious and give the subconscious what it needs to resolve/dissolve its issues."
"Through meditation, we smelt away the kleshas (craving, aversion, ignorance). We refine the ore, and we are left with what always was - the pure gold of consciousness."

So three important notes to end on

1. If you're new to meditation, or even if you've had a practice, realize that there are no bad sits! If your mind wanders 100 times in 10 minutes of meditating, and you brought your mind back to its object 101 times, that means you've done 101 "reps". That is a successful sit!
2. Do not crave results! Just focus on the right inputs, and eventually the right outputs appear on their own. The right inputs here being that you sit consistently and with proper technique, in a relaxed and un-expectant manner. Focus on the inputs, the results will come.
3. That sense of struggle that you must overcome to sit on the cushion, plus the subtle (or not so subtle) struggle while you're actually meditating is the taste of purification! That feeling is the feeling of tapas itself! You may not enjoy the feeling (yet), but you can at least know that you're engaging with powerful, purificatory tapas each and every time you sit. Even more so if you start using resolves.

That feeling of resistance is none other than our friend limbic friction. When you feel that limbic friction pop up, and then you do the thing anyway, remember - that's gunk being burned out of the system!

Jhanas, Orgasms, and Tantric Sex

Now, there will be an upcoming post in the Craving Series that will be a deep dive on the style of meditation that produces this bliss and happiness.
If you guys are interested, I made a recent post on metta meditation, which is arguably the easiest way to get into these states. While I think the whole thing is worth reading, feel free to skip to the end for instructions. This was the style of meditation that finally allowed me to begin accessing these states of absorption and bliss, after 13 years of trying to do so.
On the other hand, feel free to skip my post entirely and head straight to one of the links I've included at the end of this post for guided metta meditations.
Metta is a fantastic method for jhana because the feeling of loving-kindness itself is inherently pleasant. Because it is pleasant, your mind will focus easily upon it; because your mind focuses easily upon the pleasant sensation, the pleasantness grows; the mind is able to concentrate more easily upon this increased pleasantness, which then causes the pleasantness to grow even more, on and on and on, until bodily bliss (piti) and mental joy (sukha) start arising and you're blasted into the first jhana.
The Joy of Jhana
What does "being blasted in the first jhana by bodily bliss and mental joy" feel like?
Well, the best way to describe jhana is somewhere between an extended orgasm and being on the love drug MDMA/ecstasy.
"Hold up - that sounds like it would be debilitating to all this energy we've been cultivating... Surely there will be devastating consequences to our semen retention practice, right?"
Orgasms drain you of energy, not just due to the release of prolactin which lowers dopamine and testosterone, but also because of the effect on your nervous system. As you get more and more sexually aroused, energy builds up in your nervous system. Once your nervous system can no longer handle the energy and stimulation, you orgasm, at which point prolactin is dumped into the body and the nervous system starts shaking off all the energy that has accumulated inside.
Toes curl in, eyes roll into the back of the head, and your nerves fire like off like its the Fourth of July, right? You get hormonal dampening, and a good portion of the energy you've been building up and conserving through semen retention, wise use of energy, tapas, yoga, pranayama and meditation gets literally shivered away and shook off.
Jhanas, on the other hand, allow for a very slow build up of energy within the nervous system, (one that doesn't involve your Johnson), but instead of that build up resulting in a big explosion of energy that the nervous system shakes off, it is all contained within and sustained for long periods of time!
This pleasure, which is simply a build up of energy, is extremely purifying to the entire system.
And when the jhana is over, you're left feeling invigorated and refreshed, not drained and depleted, because your nervous system remains supercharged with energy and bliss. Not only will you be radiating good vibes everywhere, but you will be supercharged with our friend tejas, that "inner radiance, fearlessness, majesty, and authority".
The Tantric Sex Connection
This is also one reason why tantric sex is such a powerful adjunct to semen retention. In tantric sex, you build up energy within the nervous system and don't release it - but in this case, the energy comes from sex, not from meditation.
And all of this is even more reason to have a strong yoga practice, because it is only through yoga (or qi gong/tai chi) that you begin to slowly build up prana within yourself, training your nervous system and pranamaya kosha to be able to handle higher and higher amounts of energy.
Through yoga, you also purify the channels, called nadis, through which this energy flows, as well as the chakras, the "power transformers" of the energy body.
If these aren't purfied and opened up, the energy will remain stuck and unable to participate in the feedback loop of jhana, nor of tantric sex. This is a major reason why guys are unable to make it very long with retention - their bodies can't handle the build up of sexual energy, so it seeks release and homestasis the only way it knows how - through orgasm.
Again, I refer you to Can You Handle the Power? if you'd like to read more about the concept of being able to handle more and more energy.
Better yet, skip the reading and get to practicing.

Resources

A quick note on guided metta meditations - you kind of have to shop around to find one you really enjoy. There are many different ways of doing metta, and when you multiply that by the way some teachers sound, whether there is music or not, and the quality of recording, well... Some are hits, some are huge misses.
My recommendation is to find one you like and either stick to it, or better yet, simply do the meditation yourself.
A 30 Day guest pass to the Waking Up app - Amazing resource with 3 different metta modules under the "Practice" tab - Compassionate Awareness is one module, Metta (loving-kindness) is another, and Metta for Everyone.
Shinzen Young on Strong Determination Sits
18 Minute Metta Meditation with Samaneri Jayasara - My favorite of the guided meditations here. She is a fantastic resource, and she has plenty of readings and guided meditations on her Youtube.
35 Minute Metta Meditation with Jayasara - I did not check this video out, so if it isn't great, well..
23 Minute Tonglen Meditation by Tara Brach - Tonglen comes to us from the Tibetan Buddhists, and combines metta with compassion.
14 Minute Guided Metta Meditation with Ayya Khema - This one is interesting.
Rob Burbea Metta Retreat - These are the recordings of a metta meditation retreat led by Rob Burbea, a phenomenal teacher. These include some theory and are all longer sits though - great for strong determination sits!
A great 3 month course for the seriously-inclined beginner meditator, with a section on metta.
A great interview with the guy I learned jhanas from, describing their benefits.

I am sharing this as an emotional outlet among other siblings in christ 

My Experience It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

My Experience 

It was January 10, 2011. I’ll never forget that date. It was the day my life changed. Also it was the day of the college football national championship. I was and still am a big college football fan (Go Cal Bears!). Oregon was set to play auburn and i was going to watch it with my neighbor two doors down. I had been doing poorly in school, and yeah was a big pot head, still am, but am much more responsible. Anyways i told myself this semester i was going to actually try in school. I woke up at six am to get ready for my day, something that i never do. I went to put on my shoes and i noticed the laces were missing. Immediately i went to my mom and asked where are my laces? She wouldn’t give me an answer and was just acting so strange. Eventually she left the house and as she was leaving two men were walking up our walkway. I figured they were plumbers considering we had plumbing issues recently. They walked in and before I knew it they walked up to me on either side and slammed me to the ground and handcuffed me. I didn’t react as it was, I didn’t expect it for one, and for two when it began I froze, I didn’t know what to do. Once on the ground I started to squirm, I screamed “Please Help me help me I’m being kidnapped! Please!” They responded No use in screaming no one can hear you. I kept screaming. One of them said go ahead get it over with when your quiet it’ll be over sooner. After probably about ten minutes, I realized no use in fighting, they helped me up and walked me to a small suv and put me in the back and put the seat belt on me. This was the beginning. I remember on the way up to Yoncalla Oregon from Sacramento California we stopped at a burger king. They offered to get me some but food was the last thing on my mind. Looking back I wish I had taken up the offer. I remember being by the ashtray seeing a half smoked cigarette and asking to smoke it, they said I couldn’t. After a long drive we got there they walked me in. The whole way I talked about how I’d get away and run away. Well of course they told the staff at Scott Valley. By the way this is the perfect point to say I was sent to Scott Valley School in Yoncalla, Oregon. One of the many so called trouble teen schools. So being told I had threatened to run away I was put on runaway watch. For about two weeks I was forced to sleep under a light. I obviously didn’t get much sleep. Also I always had two higher phase watchers who would stand on each side of me. They had phases there was like five or six I believe. Most were 2 and 1. There were like 3 phase 3’s and 1 phase 5. There was like 20-30 of us at a time. Anyway where do I start. As I write this, with the emotions and ptsd it comes in full force and yet hazy at the same time. Maybe my head trying to protect me? So I was there seven months, thank god thats it. There were people that had been there years. Some of the people there, my god, I don’t know what to say. From a 12 year old who molested his 1 year old brother and put fish hooks in his carpet so his parents would step on it, to kids that were in there later teens who had used hard drugs, kids that had been molested and acted out as a result, kids that just were wilding out period, a lot of different walks. After I got off of runaway watch I got back on it within two weeks. I was in trouble sitting at the essay table while pe was going on. So one of the punishments was writing essays. But anyway there were two other kids at the table, the twelve year old i mentioned above and the only black kid there on the boys side. I looked at them and said if we worked together we could escape this place. They both just dead stared at me. When it was time to line up, the 12 year old went away first, the other kid looked at me and said were gonna get in trouble, that kid is a snitch and is going to tell on you. He was right. I got put on the “wall” because of that. For two weeks when not eating, sleeping, or using the bathroom, I was staring at a wall were a dot was drawn with a piece of paper on it. I would just let my imagination run wild while this happened thinking about home, friends, family, make believe countries governments politics, anything to keep the mind entertained or semi at peace! There was a green jacket my parents sent up for me that was my grandpa on my mothers side. Grandpa Applegate. It was a super cool green jacket with fake fure on the color, it looked like something you’d wear in the winter in Moscow. They said it had too many pockets and I could hide things in it. So they took it away. They put it in the Pod where all of our extra stuff was stored. Well one pod day where we could exchange stuff, there was a different staff member on duty then the one who said I couldn’t wear it. So i got it out and he didn’t know so i got to wear it for a bit. So when the other staff member got back on shift, he saw the jacket. I was banned from wearing a sweatshirt of any kind for a month. When we had outside pe everyday in Febuary to March I would get so cold. When I would put my hands in my shirt I would get another essay. This is Central Oregon, it gets cold that time of year! So some facts about the living situation, you had three minutes for showers and bathroom. You go over that you get an essay. You get more time the higher phase you get. You ever take a shit in three minutes? If done successfully I commend you. I would go five days without shitting because one of the night workers a guy named Johnny would not keep track of time when I’d get up to ask the restroom in the early morning. Johnny was an angel in a sense. Taking an uninterrupted shit was some of the most bliss I could get. Not trying to be gross but when using the restroom even was so restricted, being able to use the restroom not timed felt like hitting the lotto. When we’d wake up at seven am we only had 1 min to get up and make our bed, timed, if we didn’t make it wed get an essay. I’m naming these things as I remember different events, not necessarily in chronological order, but different events that happened. I had a peach fuzz mustache i was so proud of and long curly hair. They gave me a buzz cut and forced me to shave. My dad sent my grandpa Andrews old electric razor. That’s my dads dad. My biggest hero in my life. His name I got tatted on me at 19. I write this at 29. He died when I was 9. Most of the other kids had razors you could charge, mine needed to be plugged in to work, I didn’t understand that. I had never shaved to begin with, so I thought it was broken. I threw it away and put in a request for a new one. My father told them it was a plug in, but it was already to late so he needed to order me a new one. At a group therapy session thing, yeah we did that every day, and none of the people working there had any degrees that could go to the field they were working in. Anyway my writing is not perfect so as I was saying, at a group therapy thing, Jad one of the main guys working there brought up the razor, he said I knew it wasn’t broken, but I just wanted a new one. You don’t love your grandpa youre just a selfish little bitch. Those words still are ingrained in my mind. I know they are false but god damn they hurt. I cried. As I cried he just continued to tell me how selfish I am and im a bitch a pussy etc. William Frederick Andrews was my grandfathers name, as said I got it tatted on me at 19. He was born 1924, in 2024, my first child, a son, was born, William Frederick Andrews II. I call that a moral victory. Crazy how it worked out to be a 100 year difference. Another time it was 420, I cried because I wanted to smoke and he called me out on it in group therapy. He called me a bitch, a pussy, the usual. Weird things happened there, like one time they did a “fire drill” in the middle of the night, we had to go out into the cold in our underwear for five minutes until it was over. There were girls there but they were in a separate area. When they walked by or vice versa we had to look the other way. One of the many reasons it got shut down is there was a case of a student raping another. Apparently the girl who reported it got hounded in group therapy to the point she recanted. Now I could be wrong, but I think I know the person who did it, only one guy from the male side reached level five to the point where he became staff and could go to the girl side for group therapy. I don’t know for sure but that’s what i assume. At one point they were building a new building and they had us digging the ground around it for construction. Yeah they had us do all the cleaning indoors and out doors. If you were bad you could have your school privileges taken away. I had one kid who was a phase above me copy my work. He got caught. He got demoted, and got repromoted before I left. I never got past phase 1. So phase 1 red shirt. Phase 2 green shirt. Phase 3 Blue shirt. Phase 4 and above whatever you want. Like I said a lot of this is not in order. I am writing this in one go after years of talking about it to my loved ones. Put my thoughts to the pen, or keyboard in this case. So they did this thing were it was like a week, where it was the program or some weird name. They would break you down and “build you up” you would get a demeaning name for a week and then get an empowering name. I got the picture that if you were just a weed smoking low grade getting teen, you wouldn’t be ever seen as getting progress, you had to have “admitting to a bad act” of some sort. I made a story about how I let a girl cut me and drink my blood and how I thought about killing my dad. I know, like why would one lie and say that?!, well I figured if I had said I had done that and then shown to be turned good, it would reward me as changed and out that place. Looking back im like what the fuck. But I just wanted out and I was sure as hell willing to lie my way out. So yeah i went by like blood sucker or something like that for a week, but thats not bad. I remember so well one girl who was adopted and had relations with several boys back where she was from, she got sent there for that, and her name for the week was “Orphan Whore”. Also there were other students who weren’t going through the program that were involved with the process. Elon school or something like that where students yell at other students all sorts of insulting shit The end of it I reclaimed my name or whatever and they had me do like a ballet dance kind of weird thing to show rebirth, not that ballets weird, but in this scenario, yeah. I remember there was a day they said the world was going to end, someday in May 2011 some random wacko said, it made headlines as a joke more than anything, but i remember hearing it and hoping it happens because I wanted out. There was a gym there with rafters. I used to dream of hanging myself from them to get out. I dreamed about a car driving into the school and opening a wall up so we could run away. They used to tell us if we ran away there is bear and cougars out there, if they dont get us the cops will, and theyll put us in juvi just to have us sent back when out. They had these things called group essays. If someone did something and it no one admitted to it wed all have to write an essay about how we could have prevented it. One time a kid wiped shit on all the walls in the bathroom, the kid never admitted to it so we all had to write an essay on how we could have prevented it. I remember one time going to use the bathroom there was semen on the toilet seat, lol teen boys sex drive. I just wiped it off before I sat down. One time late at night I was masterbating in my bed. There was 20 of us sleeping in bunks in the same room, the kid who ended up copying my work i mentioned, saw me making some um, sheet movements, and looked my way giving me a dirty look, i just rolled over pretending like i was scratching, oh snap, almost caught. Not trying to be disgusting, teenage boys, find one that doesn’t masterbate, and i’ll give you some ocean beach front property in Kansas. You got weekly phone calls with your parents, you never dared to say what was going on because they were always listening. Letters same, they read them, so no use in saying something, they’ll just read it and throw it away, later my father asked me why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Well… My gf at the time ended up getting a bf after 6 months of waiting, i don’t blame her. Hey it was teenage love so im not hurt, but at the time it hurt because neither of us willingly ended it. She sent me a bookmark to have up there, it had us kissing on it, they took it from me for it being sexually explicit. They banned me from sitting up in bed and praying. I was atheist from 12 to 27 except for that time, i came back to my faith, praying for my exodus. I’m a christian again now, but only after I found a denomination that was open and affirming because I’m bisexual. Thinking about this, my mind can’t explain the pain, the rain of emotional trauma that falls in my cranium. Many times I’ve turned to cocaine, liquor, and suicidal thoughts because of the pain. It fucked my whole concept of everything in life. My emotions, my understanding of control of my own life, my ability to have healthy relationships, just so much. I still have dreams of being back there and wake up with nightmares, I was sixteen then, i turn 30 this year thirty, i have a beautiful amazing wife, a son who is the biggest blessing in my life, like i got it together now, but I don’t still, obvious by writing this. I remember one time getting to get my glasses prescription. They had to take me to town, the eye doctor, i thought about coming to him for help, but I thought if he works with these people, hell just report me to them, not them to authorities. My grandpa applegate, my moms dad, he died of suicide while I was gone, diagnosed with a terminal cancer he took it into his own hands. I never got to say good bye. When his funeral happened I wasn’t brought home for it, no, I was allowed to “write a letter to be read”. I wrote a letter, and it got read and a lot of family members said how deep it was and mature, I till this day have never watched the funeral video, I can’t. Because I should have been there. When I was on the wall, lookin towards the window could get me in trouble, because it was considered plotting an escape. I read in an english class I know where the caged bird sings, it became my favorite poem because I would watch the birds on the outside of the window and see how free they were. The joy of that. I was a juggalo, they banned me of talking anything icp related. I’d hum icp songs in protest, not like they knew them, also still a juggalo, two scoops of whoop. They day my dad came to get me, well I was peeing, and when I got out I saw him by the front door which was not far from the restroom, I ran up and hugged him saying oh my god dad! I love you! I started crying. He took to the place I always heard the workers there talk about a place called the Sugar Shack, a donut shop. Gosh dang good donuts! Then he took me to some cousins on the coast of oregon. Two days being out I was running on the beaches of the oregon coast. The sand in my feet, the breeze, the feeling of freedom. Scotts Valley School was shut down i think in 2016 for child abuse, i will link articles, but damn that place will forever haunt my head. The bats of the cave of my mind. I am married now with a family. I do my best to be a strong individual and provide, but this place has forever scared me and left me feeling weak. I couldn’t protect myself, so now I want to do everything to protect my family and be there for them. Scotts Valley school, I now live in a place called Scott Valley, the geographic area name, all come full circle? There is probably a lot more I could add to this, but for now, I just wanted to write down the bare minimum. If you have read this, thank you. I have found peace in my mind, heart, and soul as much as I can, and I hope those who have gone through similar ordeals can find some semblance of peace in their existence as well. I thank Jesus for keeping me hopeful in times I wanted to die. God bless you all.
https://www.statesmanjournal.com/story/news/politics/2015/12/14/lack-food-among-abuse-and-neglect-complaints-boarding-school/77246394/
https://www.oregonlive.com/politics/2015/12/hunger_vulgar_names_oregon_air.html
https://www.columbian.com/news/2016/jan/07/oregon-threatens-license-of-teen-boarding-school/
https://www.facebook.com/anorexicchild/posts/scotts-valley-boarding-school-in-yoncalla-oregon-scotts-valley-school-starved-th/368786460137878/
https://media.oregonlive.com/politics_impact/otheScotts%20Valley%20Notice%20of%20Intent%20to%20Revoke%20December%2011%202015.pdf
Ps the starved kid in the please eat post is not me

Como dice la canción popular, los caminos de la vida no son lo que uno espera, el ciclo de la vida: nacer, crecer, reproducirse (para algunos), votar por el PRI (para todos) y luego morirse, suena bastante simple, solo que la vida misma tiene un extraño sentido del humor, tan negro, tan profundo, que lastima al entrar y al salir en cada una de nuestras experiencias terrenales.

¿Qué tienen en común, una estudiante universitaria, un bibliotecario homosexual y una mujer divorciada?

La historia comienza con el politólogo Jacinto, egresado de ciencias políticas de la misma universidad donde hoy trabaja e imparte el curso de introducción y algunos temas, a los estudiantes de primer ingreso. Un ser humano promedio, ni guapo, ni feo, ni formal, deleznable, misógino, rabo verde, un truhan que consiguió su base laboral gracias a sus años de porro universitario.
En sus años de porro, conoció a Alejandra, estudiante de contabilidad, a quien embarazo durante su último año de la facultad, no le quedo de otra más que hacerse responsable y casarse con Alejandra, se endeudo por una casa pequeña cerca de la universidad, la embarazo dos veces más, hoy en día están separados.
Durante el proceso de divorcio, Jacinto entrego la casa y la custodia de los hijos a Alejandra, a cambio de no tener que aportar pensión alimentaria, un trato injusto para ella, el boleto de salida para el, a regañadientes, ambos aceptaron.
Jacinto, siendo todo un don cabron (don juan se queda corto), sabía que Alejandra era una vieja vaca gorda, que no podría con la carga de mantener el chiquero, además, ella había perdido valor para los demás ganaderos, no es negocio cuidar de ella y de sus 3 becerros. Apurada por llegar a fin de mes, con un empleo vespertino, requiriendo el apoyo de una niñera, no tuvo otro remedio que pedirle ayuda económica al toro que la insemino, recibe 2,500 pesos extras a la semana, a cambio de entregarle placer sexual, dos veces por semana, sin falta.
Ella acude martes y jueves a la oficina de Jacinto, dependiendo del humor del día era lo que ocurría, a veces Jacinto era dulce y cariñoso, la mayoría del tiempo era un culero, juzgue usted los comentarios de Jacinto en el último encuentro:
​
"Siempre me ha gustado como me besas mientras te masturbo, aunque hoy percibo un aroma diferente al olerme los dedos, ignoro si son tus secreciones, o las de una alumna que me visito antes de tu llegada, el punto es que ando deslechado y no te pediré mucho, solo quiero que me limpies la reata con esa boquita tuya, una rica mamada, suave, lenta y profunda, como sabes hacerlo, quiero que me veas a la cara cuando me venga, vas a recibir en tu linda cara, todo el semen hirviendo que no pudo ordeñarme la otra...."
​
A falta de dignidad, Alejandra se limpia y toma el dinero de la semana, se retira a su hogar, apurada por tener que preparar la comida y arreglarse para irse a su trabajo vespertino, espera la llegada de Magaly, la niñera, una joven estudiante universitaria que busca un ingreso extra, quien por cierto, obtuvo el trabajo por recomendación de Jacinto.
La joven Magaly, 19 años, soltera, mujer de rancho que se mudó a la gran ciudad en busca de un título universitario, conoció a Jacinto, como uno de sus maestros, durante su primer año de universidad. Siendo ella la mas inteligente de su rancho, siempre en el cuadro de honor, la numero uno de su generación, descubrió que en la universidad, la vida académica no es color de rosa como en su rancho, siendo sinceros, ni siquiera obtuvo el puntaje para el examen de admisión, consiguió su entrada gracias a la ayuda de un familiar suyo que trabaja en la biblioteca de la universidad.
Magaly tuvo un primer año universitario complicado, estar lejos de casa y adaptarse a la vida urbana, cambiar la comodidad del hogar por vivir en una casa de asistencia, encerrada en un espacio de 4m2, con dinero limitado y sin amigos con quien salir, dedicada únicamente a su estudio, aunque no se viera reflejado en la boleta, el profesor Jacinto era muy estricto con ella, se notaba en los exámenes que le aplicaba, reprobando cada uno de ellos.
Desesperada por no perder el año escolar y regresar al pueblo como una fracasada, decidió acudir a la oficina del profesor Jacinto para buscar alternativas y mejorar su promedio escolar. Espero durante 40 minutos afuera de la oficina, hasta que la puerta se abrió, de ella salió una mujer mayor, bastante producida, aunque no podía ocultar las arrugas del rostro, aprovecho para entrar a la oficina, vio al profesor Jacinto y le pidió 5 minutos para hablar con él.
Con urgencia de retirarse, el profesor Jacinto acepto escuchar a Magaly, se mantuvo en silencio hasta que ella termino de hablar y explicar su situación, posteriormente abrió un cajón de su escritorio, saco un puñado de exámenes, todos eran de Magaly, calificados y con la respuesta correcta justificada, no había forma de reclamar injusticias, era evidente que ella no estaba estudiando lo suficiente.
"Algo más en lo que te pueda ayudar?" exclamo el profesor Jacinto, mientras alistaba sus cosas para retirarse, temblando y tartamudeando, Magaly le ofrece actividades "extracurriculares" para ganarse los puntos extras faltantes, el profesor Jacinto se ríe y le pregunta una sola vez: "Esta segura?"
Magaly se mantiene en silencio, se levanta de su asiento, se acerca al profesor Jacinto y comienza a seducirlo, temblorosa y tímida, se entrega de lleno al profesor, confirmando y sellando el trato acordado. Terminado el acto sexual, mientras Jacinto se faja la camisa y se acomoda el pantalón, le dice a Magaly:
​
"Coges bastante bien para ser una pueblerina, las de pueblo no suelen tener experiencia sexual, son leales al único pendejo pito chico con eyaculación precoz que conocen, pero tú eres diferente, se nota que te encanta la reata, te mueves como toda una ninfómana y haces gemidos como puerca en celo, tanta era tu hambre de hombre, que te diste cuenta que estaba por venirme y preferiste recibir mi leche masculina en tu boca, en lugar de dejarme rellenarte la burra, pensé reclamarte pero vi esa hermosa carita tuya tragarse mis mecos sin hacer gestos"
​
Sintiéndose sucia, sudorosa y con un mal sabor de boca, Magaly observa al profesor Jacinto agarrar sus cosas y retirarse, no sin antes comentarle que no se preocupe por sus calificaciones, él se encarga de que pase al siguiente año, además, le ayudara con su problema económico, consiguiéndole un empleo de medio tiempo, la va a recomendar con una conocida suya que está buscando niñera, entre semana, por las tardes.
Al ver la hora, Magaly se da cuenta que se le hizo tarde para reunirse con su primo Julio, quedaron de verse para comer y luego ir al cine, no le daba tiempo de ir a casa y arreglarse, se tuvo que ir con la misma ropa sudorosa al encuentro con su primo, no podía quedar mal ni llegar tarde, Magaly todavía no le agradecía el enorme favor que hizo su primo, siendo el trabajador de la universidad, movió influencias para conseguir que Magaly fuera aceptada como nuevo ingreso.
Julio, el menor de 19 hermanos, siempre fue un niño tímido, retraído, callado y centrado en sus estudios, jamás lo vimos perder el tiempo en fiestas o reuniones, tampoco se le conocía pareja, no perdía el tiempo en situaciones amorosas, es lo que siempre decía en las reuniones familiares.
Un día trabajando en la biblioteca, recibe una llamada de su tía Lorenza (Lencha), comentándole que Magaly había aplicado a la misma universidad donde él trabaja, no había logrado obtener el puntaje para ser admitida, Magaly estaba envuelta en lágrimas y desesperada por una solución, le piden a Julio que hable con el decano de la universidad, para ver si le pueden aplicar el examen por una segunda ocasión.
Al escuchar eso, Julio soltó una risa incomoda, acepto ayudarles, les dijo que no conocía al decano escolar, pero si conocía a uno de los encargados del área de enseñanza, intentaría ayudarles con su problema, mas no podía prometerles una solución, lo intentaría esa misma noche, por suerte para ellas, había acordado una salida amistosa con su conocido, a un bar chopper donde jugarían billar y beberían cerveza en tarros grandes.
Entrando la noche (y los tarros de cerveza), Julio disfrutaba de su reunión con su amigo, el profesor Jacinto, con quien tenía rato saliendo a beber y jugar billar, se acordó de la llamada de su tía lencha (Lorenza) y aprovecho el alcohol en la sangre para hablar con Jacinto y explicarle la problemática familiar. Después de escuchar la historia, Jacinto le responde a Julio: "Si conozco a tu prima Magaly, me toco entrevistarla y calificar su examen de admisión, lamento decirte que ni repitiendo el examen por segunda ocasión lograra obtener el puntaje".
Julio agacho la cabeza y asintió el comentario, por lo menos hizo el intento como había prometido, sin embargo, no todo estaba perdido, el profesor Jacinto le ofreció ayuda para hacer que Magaly pudiera ingresar a la universidad, solo que sería un acuerdo bajo el agua, entre caballeros, nadie podía enterarse o ambos perderían su empleo, Julio acepto sin dudarlo y le ofreció pagarle la peda esa noche, el profesor Jacinto dijo que no era necesario, saliendo del bar irían directamente a la universidad, en la oficina del profesor estaba el listado de los alumnos aceptados al nuevo ciclo y solo tenían que agregar el nombre de Magaly, así de fácil.
Llegando a la universidad, entraron a la oficina de asuntos estudiantiles, el profesor Jacinto termino de agregar el nombre de Magaly a la lista de admitidos, imprime el documento, colocando sello y firma oficial, dando terminado el caso. Julio envuelto en felicidad, le agradece el favor y le pregunta a su "amigo", que tan mal era el examen de admisión de su prima, su "amigo" abre un cajón de su escritorio, saca el examen de Magaly, se acerca hacia Julio, se lo avienta al pecho, mientras Julio intenta atrapar el examen, el profesor Jacinto rápidamente agarra a Julio de los testículos, apretándolos duro, con firmeza, Julio suelta un grito bastante agudo, por lo que Jacinto procede a taparle la boca y le pide que guarde silencio y escuche con atención a lo siguiente:
​
"Escúchame bien, maldito degenerado, estas vacío por dentro, hay un depravado dentro de ti esperando salir, tengo un problema contigo, ahora tú me vas a ayudar, podrás engañar a todos, a tu familia, amistades, compañeros de trabajo, pero jamás me vas a engañar a mí, sé muy bien que te gusta la reata, llevo toda la noche viéndote como me ojeas el bulto, preguntándote que tan grande y frondosa la tengo, te tengo agarrado de los testículos, ahora eres mi putita, te voy a someter, ponerte de rodillas al suelo, me vas a mamar tanto la reata, que me le vas a dejar en carne viva, después te voy a poner en cuatro puntos, te daré un par de escupidas en el ano y te la pienso meter durísimo por el culo, hasta hacerte llorar del placer y terminar rellenándote el culo con mi semen hirviendo"
​
Al terminar aquella pesadilla, Julio acabo derrotado, desnudo y sucio, acostado en el suelo de la oficina del profesor Jacinto, quien, a su vez, se vestía y preparaba para irse a casa, no sin antes aventarle un billete de 200 pesos a Julio y despedirse diciéndole:
​
"Te dejaría uno de 500, pero no los vales, las putitas de 500 no lloran tanto, por cierto, dile a tu prima Magaly, que bienvenida al campus, su nuevo hogar"

Tapas Part 2 - The Path of Fire & Brilliance

Alright fellas, here is Part 2 of the post on tapas and tejas. Part 1 recap :

• Tapas is the practice performing intense spiritual austerities so as to create an internal heat or friction that burns away the gunk clouding up your nervous system, so that you can speed up the process of self-evolution.
• Syntropy, which is the opposite of entropy (chaos, disorder, death and decay), describes how a system is able to conserve, increase and synchronize energy within itself, which is the reason why you get so many benefits from semen retention. Yoga, meditation and tapas all increase syntropy as well.
• By the practice of tapas, one is able to ignite the sexual energy cultivated through semen retention into tejas, an "inner radiance, fearlessness, majesty, and authority".

In Part 1 I listed topics that would be covered in this post, things like limbic friction and training the "go/no go circuits" in the brain, and while these are important topics, they simply explain a modern scientific take on how tapas is beneficial.
But let's get spicy with things, shall we?
I cut that stuff and will instead be giving you additional posts after this one, all about methods to dive deeper into tapas, in order to cultivate tejas, that fiery, magnetic luster and radiance that sages throughout the ages emitted.
I will post the parts I cut in a comment in case anyone is interested.
This post will cover :

• How tapas flips the script on craving, demolishing any chance of succumbing to the urge to masturbate;
• A small section on lifestyle tapas vs. tapas proper;
• Why yoga is the most powerful means of tapas, especially to create abundant tejas, with a deep dive on the science behind this;
• New, advanced yogic techniques I've never discussed, not even in the book I wrote.

Part 3 will cover :

• The power of resolves, how these build confidence in oneself, and how they increase testosterone and rewire the brain to be oriented towards success;
• Why proper meditation is the highest form of syntropy, of gathering, retaining and harmonizing energy within;
• A style of meditation that quickly leads to profound states of concentration and bliss;
• The relationship between higher states of meditation, orgasm, and tantric sex, and how higher states of meditation create the same bliss of orgasm, magnified many times over and lasting minutes to hours, without any loss of semen or energy. It is peak syntropy, bliss untold, with no downsides.

Part 4 will cover :

• The importance of disciplining oneself with ethics, and how it is both foundational to success in meditation, as well as a powerful form of tapas;
• A type of meditation on fire itself that quickly builds powerful levels of concentration and can even lead to some trippy experiences. And of course, it greatly increases syntropy and tejas.

Sound spicy? Let's get to it.

Tapas and Craving

What's goal number one for a retainer? Overcoming the urge to watch porn and masturbate. That urge is but a small part of the way the mind craves things in general.
That craving aspect of the mind is known as tanha within Buddhism, where they aim to uproot it completely. Tanha also entails the flip side of craving, known as aversion - they are really two sides of the same coin.
Instead of going through life trying to fill every craving demand the mind makes (and they are endless), what if you just got rid of craving altogether? The goal isn't to throw out decisiveness or willpower or even enjoyment, but wanton, needless, constant craving, for empty dopamine-wasting pointless pursuits - like masturbation, scrolling apps, junk food, distraction, etc.
Every time you want to view porn and/or masturbate, or waste time on apps, or use substances, or check out from the life you're actually living, that’s tanha knocking on your door.
And what do all these things do to us retainers? They waste energy, they are entropic, they are the opposite of syntropy.
Tanha is the virus in your mind preventing you from being happy and at peace right here, right now. If you’ve been following along in the Craving series, so far we’ve :

• Upgraded our mental software by installing the mindfulness program in Part 1;
• We’ve made good use of impermanence, or the "Anicca Algorithm" to deal another blow to tanha/craving in Part 2;
• We’ve also begun to develop the noble quality of equanimity, that steady, non-reactivity in the mind that helps us endure hardship and not get suckered into chasing pleasures in Part 3.

Tapas is the practice of laughing in the face of tanha. You delight in saying no to cravings, and you delight in pushing into discomfort.
Discomfort becomes your new playground.

“So now I will go
I will go on into the struggle,
This is to my mind delight;
This is where my mind finds bliss.” - Sutta Nipata

Tapas flips the script on tanha, it is the direct opposite of tanha!
Instead of mindlessly chasing empty stimulation (craving) and running from the slightest discomforts (aversion), we willingly dive into and explore discomfort and avoid the mindless, empty stimulation.
Simply put, the feeling of discomfort is your signal to go, the feeling of craving is your signal to pause, refrain and hold back.
When it comes to tapas, craving finds no footing.

"Whatever happiness is found in sensual pleasures,
And whatever there is in heavenly bliss
These are not worth 1/16th-part
Of the happiness that comes from cravings end." - The Buddha, Udana Sutta 2.2

Lifestyle Tapas vs Tapas Proper

Understand that if you want to start developing real tejas, your practice of tapas will necessarily have to entail ramping up and intensifying your sadhana, your yoga/mediation/spiritual practice. Not every guy has a spiritual or interior discipline like yoga, qi gong, intense prayer or meditating (I can't recommend it enough, though), so lets delineate tapas into two categories -

• Tapas proper, meaning intensifying your spiritual practice;
• And lifestyle tapas, or pushing yourself in anything that isn't an interior discipline.

Lifestyle tapas is powerful, there is no doubt. And it is absolutely necessary for us to cultivate, as we have way too much access to highly stimulating, highly rewarding dopamine-wasters. Lifestyle tapas will create some degree of internal heat and resistance too, so I'm certainly not knocking it.
But understand that if you want the kind of tapas that lights your heart, body, mind, soul, sexual energy and entire life ablaze, ablaze with an abundance of fiery, radiant tejas, it will necessarily have to be tapas proper.

Sadhana as Tapas

The highest form of tapas is, of course, your sadhana, your spiritual practice.
This is the only way to skyrocket syntropy, gathering all energies within and creating large amounts of inner friction, giving you abundant tejas.
Doing the tough stuff like ice baths and saunas, or working out, or feeling the resistance to clean your apartment and then doing it anyway is all fantastic stuff, as is avoiding scrolling on apps, or eating pints of Ben & Jerry's while getting your money's worth from Netflix.
But none of that really compares to upping your spiritual practice. Why? Because yoga is itself highly purifying and highly syntropic, so increasing the time spent purifying the body-mind while increasing the energy within is going to pay off much more quickly than cleaning out your garage and deleting TikTok.
The asanas (physical postures) of yoga :

• Squeeze and massage your endocrine glands, helping to regulate their output of hormones, the chemical messengers that control your body :
  • You know, androgenic hormones like testosterone and the more powerful dihydrotestosterone coming from the testes and adrenals (many postures affect adrenals, while the headstand/shoulder stand affects the pituitary gland which regulates hormonal production in the testes through luteinizing and follicle stimulating hormones);
  • muscle-building, fat-burning and age-retarding human growth hormone and IGF-1 coming from the pituitary (headstand, shoulder stand, khechari mudra);
  • energizing and metabolism-regulating thyroid hormones (shoulder stand, jalandhara bandha);
  • sleep-regulating and anti-aging, cancer-preventing melatonin from the pineal gland (headstand, shoulder stand, khechari mudra, trataka, brahmari pranayama);
  • immune factors from the thymus (spinal twists, forward bends and back bends);
  • energizing adrenaline and the "stress hormone" cortisol from the adrenals (many asanas affect adrenals - by lowering cortisol, more DHEA/pregnenolone is available to be used to create testosterone/dihydrotestosterone - see the pregnenolone steal);
  • all of these hormones need to be released at the right times in the right amounts, and yoga asanas help dial in this system!
• Asanas also stretch, compress and relax the nerves of your nervous system. What do nerves do? Carry energy and information to and from the brain. I mean this in the least new-agey way possible, they literally transmit your lifeforce, your prana. By improving the health of your nervous system, you improve the ability of energy to flow throughout your entire body-mind system. This is part of what I mean when I say "gunk gets cleared from the system" - you will begin to perceive things in a much more clear, beautiful way - much like when we were children.
• Asanas help massage important nerve plexuses as well, which are like electrical junction boxes including the pelvic floor plexus, sacral plexus, solar plexus, brachial plexus and cervical plexus, as well as regulating the all-important vagus nerve. Wouldn't you know it, these all align with the major chakras, as do the above mentioned endocrine glands.
• Asanas also balance the two branches of your nervous system - the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, or the fight-flight-freeze branch and the rest-and-digest branch. We are chronically stressed as a society, and all that stress wastes precious sexual energy, precious jing, precious ojas, and if remember from the previous post, you need sufficient sexual energy/ojas to even begin creating tejas in the first place.
• Asanas clear out blockages in your energy body, your pranamaya kosha. If you plan on cultivating any of these energies, be it sexual energy, prana or tejas, you need your pranamaya kosha cleared of blockages. If that sounds too "woo-woo" for you-you, just shelve the idea for now. If you seriously practice yoga you may just find that you come to experience these things in time - you can leave it as "to be determined". Chakras are less about having pretty colored lights in your spine and more about them being power transformers that can handle more and more prana.

Those are just some of the benefits to asanas - they also improve digestion, improve heart-rate variability, improve the functioning of the all important vagus nerve, improve muscle functioning, improve flexibility and balance, provide a much needed cleansing of the lymphatic fluid, as well as a much needed wringing of your fascia, the sensory-rich connective tissue holding the entire body together.
By bringing your entire body into balance, asanas increase syntropy big time, meaning more energy gained, less energy lost, and all that energy is now able to flow smoothly through the system.
What about pranayama, the breathing practices? Glad you asked :

• Pranayama is highly purifying to the nervous system. Moreso than the nervous system, it helps clear up blockages in your pranamaya kosha, your energy body.
• Once these blockages start to be removed, not only will the higher faculties of mind be awakened, along with you being able to perceive subtler layers of mind and reality, but you'll be able to handle more prana altogether. It's like upping the amps of electrical wires - the higher the amps, the more power the wire can transmit. Pretty essential when what we're all doing with semen retention is cultivating increased amounts of energy, whether we knew that was the case or not. A good deep dive on this topic is covered in the post Can You Handle the Power?
• These blockages are in certain energy channels and in chakras themselves, and the blockages keep your consciousness trapped at lower levels :
  • The person who is only operating from the first two chakras is only interested in survival and egoic/sexual desires - let's face it, that's most people;
  • If he were to activate the third chakra, he would tap into his great storehouse of prana, coming into his own power and being able to make decisive decisions, with the power and strength to achieve them;
  • If he were to further activate the fourth chakra, the barriers between self and other begin to fade. The whole world becomes his kingdom, and he would start thinking about ways to help others, opening up new vistas of goodwill, compassion, and providing for others like a king;
  • The fifth chakra is concerned with ideas and their effective expression, as well as a highly discerning awareness and discrimination, with the dualities of life becoming harmonized, allowing one to flow smoothly and roll with the punches;
  • And so on for higher chakras.
• Remember how tapas is all about creating an inner friction? Pranayama is perhaps the foremost way to do so - one technique, called nadi shodhana, shifts energy alternatively through negatively charged and positively charged channels, creating an alternating current; while spinal breathing moves energy from negatively charged chakra to a positively charged chakra. See here.
• Pranayama greatly helps to improve heart-rate variability, improve the functioning of the vagus nerve, and balance the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, all of which equal a calmer, healthier, more robust you. Your HRV is critical to the "feel" of the energy you radiate, as I covered back in Part 3 - Strengthening Your Aura and Personal Magnetism.
• Breathing exercises improve oxygenation of the body, as well as your ability to tolerate Co2. The higher Co2 tolerance you have, the calmer you'll be, the more energy and endurance you'll have, as well as less inflammation and lower chance of depression. Co2 tolerance is a very important aspect to pranayama practice.
• Cultivating prana through pranayama means you will have abundant energy, plain and simple. You're plugging yourself into the wall socket of the universe :
  • One of the ways this occurs is through absorption of negative ions, which have a range of positive effects on health, including increasing energy levels;
  • Pranayama also boosts energy due to transient hypoxia boosting mitochondrial biogenesis, or the creation of new, healthy mitochondria. More and healthier mitochondria = more energy, plain and simple.

The benefits go on and on and on...
Never mind the benefits of the more advanced practices of kriyas, mudras and bandhas, which help move, seal and lock prana in certain parts of the body.
And then there's the meditation....
If you still think yoga is just for soccer moms, I have news for you my man - you are missing out on a MASSIVE source of syntropy and energy cultivation!
This has nothing to do with religion or with new-agey stuff- this has everything to do with diving deep into a scientific practice where the only goals are radiant health and directed self-evolution. It is only "spiritual" in the sense that it is a dimension of life that is ignored and shunned by modern society - but it is our birthright.
And the people running this shit show don't want you keyed in to this, because they don't want free thinking people who have seen through the flimsy facade The Matrix. They want mindless, indoctrinated, herd-mentality worker drones. How could you ever buy into "The System" when you come to the realization that you are a being of infinite capacity playing in a benevolent universe, a universe that in actuality is your very Self?
“If the doors of perception were cleansed every thing would to appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things through narrow chunks of his cavern.” - William Blake
Ok, I guess I did get a little spiritual there. But just as cultivating sexual energy through semen retention opened up a new, "missing" dimension to your life, so too are gorgeous valleys and stunning vistas of your own being waiting to be tapped into, opened up, and lived from.
So if you don't have a "spiritual" practice, or an interior discipline, now is your time to start. If you do have one, now is the time to up the ante.
Think of yoga as a gentle martial art you do against yourself.
Some ideas for your upping the tapas of your sadhana -

• Meditate consistently every day if you’re new to meditation;
• Increase the time or better yet, add a second sit if you’re already consistent;
• Commit to a daily yoga practice (meaning asanas and pranayama) if you haven’t yet;
• Adding more asanas (yoga postures) and pranayama (breathing exercises) if you already are consistent;
• Getting up before dawn to do 1000 recitations of your mantra;
• Increasing the devotional aspects of your practice, called bhakti yoga, and/or the self-inquiry side of things, called jnana yoga;
• Recall how semen retention, called brahmaharya in yoga, is more than mere celibacy - it is the "wise use of energy", and entails keeping it within, not wasting it on meaningless external pursuits.

Don't overwhelm yourself with these suggestions. Just get started if you don't have an internal discipline yet, and intensify your practice if you do have one.
Truly, the most effective tapas you can do for abundant tejas is to have a consistent yoga routine, meaning you do the physical postures, followed by pranayama, followed by meditation.
Every. Single. Day.
Check out the basic yoga routine I laid out in this post (up the rounds of sun salutations if you're feeling frisky), follow it up with 1-3 rounds of kapalabhati or bhastrika pranayama, and end with 20-30 minutes of metta meditation. You can also break it up and do the postures and pranayama in the morning, and meditate at night.
Commit to one month of this yoga routine and tell me you don't notice a massive change. Commit to two months of this daily yoga routine and tell me everyone around you doesn't notice the change.
And then, once you get consistent with your practice, remember that if you want to dive deeper into tapas and gain more tejas, you must regularly push the envelope. Start slow and focus on consistency. Once you're consistent, stick with a routine for a few weeks/a couple months to see how it benefits you, and then add something new.
The name of the game is starting slow, being consistent, and adding more techniques/intensity once you feel the time is ready. If you don't have a practice, simply beginning a basic yoga routine with one or two pranayamas is plenty.
Charging up your sadhana with tapas is what will give you an abundance of tejas, or "inner luster, radiance, majesty". Don’t expect much, if any, tejas from lifestyle tapas, from simply doing your chores and taking a break from Instagram. That is still important, of course.

Advanced Yoga Techniques

Alright, enough about the benefits. Let's discuss some powerful, fire-activating, tejas-producing yogic techniques.
First and foremost, having a foundational routine of asanas, pranayama and meditation is already a powerful form of tapas, and is going to produce plenty of tejas. This needs to be your starting point. There's no sense adding fuel to the fire when you haven't even lit the fire yet, so spend a few months consistently dialing in your yoga practice before adding these in.
The basic asana routine I have already laid out, plus the four pranayamas I've discussed in previous posts are going to create quite a bit of heat and friction in your body-mind already. I will link to those posts at the end, as well as some videos to other yoga routines, instead of detailing them again here.
Don't think of the following practices as shortcuts to tejas - they are enhancers for when you've already got the ball rolling.
In other words, these are for the guy who has already cleaned out a fair bit of the detritus from his nervous system/energy body, and who has already regulated his hormones, achieving a state of supra-homeostasis. You gotta walk before you can run.
CAUTION
Please, please, please do not begin these prematurely or overdo these techniques! I always hesitate talking about more powerful practices, because when I started learning all of this stuff over a decade ago, I did not heed the warnings and went straight for the stronger stuff, which only resulted in me biting off more than I could chew, releasing waaaayyy more energy than my body was ready for, creating nasty anxiety, random heart palpitations, and insomnia that last a few months.
But we're all adults here, right? The first two techniques should be a-ok to practice for anyone at any level, the last two should not be practiced with any regularity until you've spent at least a few months purifying the body-mind system with more foundational yoga and pranayama.
All of these practices create a lot of heat within the system. If you find yourself overheating, or losing sleep, or developing anxiety from the excess energy, stop them immediately. Remember, this all presupposes you already have been regular with a basic yoga routine for at least a few months, including asanas and at least one kind of pranayama.
If you haven't, don't bother with any of these practices except the first two.
Agnisara kriya
Agni means fire, sara means essence, kriya means action, so this is the practice of activating and refining inner fire into its essence - tejas.
This practice is a great preparation for kapalabhati and bhastrika pranayamas, as it is essentially the same movement of the abdomen, just done with the lungs held empty. If you live in a hot environment, be sure it doesn't lead to you being overheated throughout the day.
"Agnisara kriya stimulates the appetite and improves digestion. It massages the abdomen, strengthens the abdominal muscles and encourages optimum health of the abdominal organs. Agnisara kriya stimulates the five pranas, especially samana, and raises the energy levels markedly. It alleviates depression, dullness and lethargy." Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha
This practice should be done in the morning on an empty stomach, both due to the pumping action of the abdomen and because of its energizing effects on the solar plexus, adrenals and manipura chakra, the "storehouse of prana".
This practice also increases the "heat" of digestion. In yoga and Ayurveda, a strong digestion is paramount to good health - if the "fire" of digestion is damp and smoldering, you're wasting tons of energy trying to digest what should be "burnt up" relatively easily.
Just as a fire burning large and hot can easily burn damp wood, but a smoldering, weak fire threatens to go out on it's own, so should your digestive fire be burning hot and strong, so that you are not bogged down after every meal.
Agnisara kriya video 1 standing, video 2 seated
Prana Mudra -
"Prana mudra awakens the dormant prana shakti, vital energy, and distributes it throughout the body, increasing strength, health and confidence. It develops awareness of the nadis (energy channels) and chakras, and the subtle flow of prana in the body. It instills an inner attitude of peace and equanimity by adopting an external attitude of offering and receiving energy to and from the cosmic source." Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha
This mudra is wonderful on so many levels -

• it raises energy levels by releasing prana;
• it develops awareness of the main chakras and the central channel;
• and it saturates your energy body with positive vibrations, as you radiate peace towards all beings.

Here is the best video I could find on it, but I must admit, his explanation doesn't really do it for me, so here is a step-by-step guide, straight from the book I keep quoting, Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha.
Surya Bheda Pranayama
Surya bheda pranayama roughly translates to "stimulating the solar channel". There are 3 main channels through which prana flows in the body - the central channel, going right up the spine with the 7 main chakras, and the two channels that crisscross the central one. The channel that begins in the left nostril and crisscrosses down to the base chakra is "lunar" and negatively charged, while the channel that begins on the right nostril is positively charged and "solar".
https://preview.redd.it/uqvw8gsdz6zc1.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c23a4d841eb1d50ca19c1a3d030bb76456375bea
In nadi shodhana pranayama, also called alternate nostril breathing, you alternate the breath through the nostrils and thus, through the lunar and solar channels. In surya bheda pranayama, you stimulate only the solar channel.
Realize that this practice may be too warming as we enter spring and summer in the northern hemisphere. If it's already hot where you are, simply do alternate nostril breathing, which creates plenty of tejas.
Back to surya bheda - "This practice creates heat in the body and counteracts imbalances... It stimulates and awakens the panic energy by activating pingala nadi (the solar channel). By increasing extroversion and dynamism, it enables physical activities to be performed more effeciently and helps to alleviate depression. It is especially recommended for those who are dull and lethargic or who find it difficult to communicate with the external world. It makes the mind more alert and perceptive and is an excellent pre-meditation pranayama." Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha

1. Sit in your favorite meditative posture.
2. Take a few slow, deep breaths, finding your center.
3. Curl the pointer and middle fingers of the right hand into the palm, raising your hand to your nose.
4. Exhale, and then block the left nostril with the ring and pinky fingers.
5. Inhale through the right nostril in a slow, controlled manner.
6. Close the right nostril and hold the breath for 1 or 2 seconds.
7. Open the left nostril and exhale in a slow and controlled manner.
8. Close the left nostril again and inhale through the right, repeating the process.
9. 10 rounds is sufficient to start, moving it up 15 after a couple of weeks, then 20 after a few more weeks if so desired.

Nauli
Spend a few months with agnisara kriya before moving on to nauli. When you start practicing nauli, drop agnisara kriya, as agnisara kriya is essentially a stepping stone to nauli. I recommend practicing only a few rounds of the beginning form of nauli, without the abdominal churning. Nauli should be done in the morning, before any food has been consumed.
This practice is to be avoided if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, history of stroke or abdominal injuries.
"Nauli massages and tones the entire abdominal area, including the muscles, nerves, intestines, reproductive, urinary and excretory organs. It generates heat in the body and stimulates appetite, digestion, assimilation, absorption and excretion. It helps to balance the adrenal component of the endocrine system. Nauli stimulates and purifies manipura chakra, the storehouse of prana. It helps to increase mental clarity and power by harmonizing the energy flows in the body." - Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha
Please only do the first portion of this practice - nauli video.
Sequencing

1. Do the postures first. Allow the heart rate and breathing rate to return to normal if you did an active routine.
2. Then do your pranayama.
3. Then mudras/kriyas/nauli.
4. Then meditate.

Here is the post where I laid out the foundational asana routine I use, plus instructions on spinal breathing and alternate nostril breathing. Again, up the rounds of sun salutations if you'd like to increase internal heat even more so. Let your heart rate and breathing return to normal after sun salutations before proceeding to the rest of the asanas.
Here is a video on how to properly perform sun salutations.
Here is a video on kapalabhati pranayama, and here is one on bhastrika.
Here's a nice 20 minute yoga routine with Tim.
Here's a 20 minute routine focused on strength and energy with Kassandra.
Here is a 28 minute intermediate yoga routine, and another 30 minute video by the same guy.
Feel free to shop around and find an instructor on Youtube that you enjoy, and explore their videos. Better yet, hit a class.
And remember - it is infinitely better to have a 15-20 minute routine that you consistently do, every single day, than it is to do an hour long class only three times a week. The same applies to pranayama and meditation! Don't bite off more than you can chew and then get frustrated when you can't keep up.
Start small, be consistent, increase duration and intensity slowly.
This is the path to success.
This is the path of fire and brilliance.

My school has a garden property that used to be abandoned for years and in the posession of somebody else but was seized and given to the school. It is mostly used for practicing gardening as you could expect. At the back is a gate which is just held in place by a brick under it. The gate leads to an area with a building on the left that look like 3 small apartments some people used to live in and a building on the right that has several rooms which are all accessed from the outside. One of the rooms is empty with a lone chair backed up against a wall and some documents scattered around. Another has books and school notebooks some with writing in them. One of them says "happy birthday". In that room is also a closet that has a wooden pallet hammered to it so it cannot be opened. Now, to the main part. 2 of the rooms have in total around 10-20 packages of semen detection kits. The packages have too many kits to be able to count but it is a lot. In one of those rooms there is a very big pile of used up kits just thrown away right next to some couches stacked on top of eachother. The kits say in my language: "Product for detecting infidelity and sexual activity of minors". From what little I researched it seems to be a mixture of some chemicals you put on a fabric (like underwear) which change color upon detection of semen. What could be the explanation for why that's there and why there's so much of it? Should I report this to the police or am I overreacting? Here are some pictures: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/k1r8y4g3cy3p3v00swmvc/IMG_20240507_111704.jpg?rlkey=39pyy8p6lntkspxipcnfx3cab&st=re1376p5&dl=0 https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/b8s29vsh349ks63els30s/IMG_20240507_111712.jpg?rlkey=zt3v9qy1v3xligoc1ksmxv5se&st=lhnbwppy&dl=0 https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/72sce1erv093wk72m8wz4/IMG_20240507_111724.jpg?rlkey=yh6tdsg7vp8nqjc2l8h2725wf&st=lpzmhqyt&dl=0

I NEED HELP!!
So my friend sent me this message…
You know now that I bring this shit up, it reminds me of the funniest shit I’ve ever fucking seen, and I regret not saving the image. It was a picture of the discord login screen, and then the telltale discord blueish-grey color makes a wavy pattern and cuts away, and behind it is this picture, in the bottom right corner is the Volkswagen logo or something, (I don’t remember what brand the car was) and we can see the setting are this grass, probably Irish hills, and in the foreground there’s the car (let’s assume it was a Volkswagen) and there’s a goddamn dragon with a huge fucking penis going through the window and the godamn car is tipping over and there’s fucking semen filling the whole godamn thing and spilling out of it and shit, and if you look closely you can see the fine print text that was something along the lines of “30 ft inflatable dragon and semen not included”
All I’m finding is mlp porn and A LOT of dragons fucking cars. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!

I will call them by there first initial. C is being all pouty that I took them to an event (it's kinda like a renfaire but more historical) we weren't able to do much and it kinda bummed me out. She said that it has been hurting her feelings that I've been "pissy" about it. Uh ya I am that specific event used to be so fun for me but now I'm just watching snapshots of my childhood just shatter as I'm getting older. She also supports Isreal on the ongoing genocide she stated "they deserve it for the October hamas attack" I really wanted to tell her to tell it to the 6-8 year old girl found dead on the border with SIXTY SEVEN different men's semen still inside her. I wanted to tell her to tell it to the families that are being turned into red dust for existing but did I no. We were hanging out last night and she found a shopping card and hopped in and made one of the guys push her cart. We went to petco looked at pets and she said oh should we get this gecko "being 100% serious: I said no we're would we put it she said she would hold it. Them after we left that store we went to world market I told them to get out of the cart and they said no and said that they could claim that they have pots or narcolepsy I told them no and you should never lie about that. But before we got to world market we were passing by a guitar center and T said we could go in there I asked why he said idk and as we walked past T said we could start a band J said he could be drums T said something like being bass then I said I could be lead guitar then C said they could be lead singer (one of my dreams is to be a lead singer they know this) so I said no and they said why you can't even sing and I said how would you know they said cuz I've never heard you sing uh ya I'm an introvert and the only people outside of choir to hear me sing is my parents I said I have won awards for my voice and my singing me alone not the whole choir. She then asked "what's up your ass" I said you cuz eversince last week she's been excluding and talking about me behind my back I let her stay at my have 2 weekends in a row then another weekend I let her eat what she wanted and do what she wanted at my house. While she was at my house she kept saying be nicer to your parents Like I was supposed to kiss the floor they walked on and worship them. I have never and will never groble to my parents like she wanted me to I don't care how you act with your family but my parents talk to me like I'm an adult and I talk to them like I'm an adult that is our relationship and for her to think she can make me want to act more childish around them was kinda pitiful. Oh ya all my other friends that have known me for literal years are choosing a Mexico girl that just got out of the phych ward and now they all worship her cuz she's more alike to them than I am I not Mexican and I've never been in a phych ward so now I'm the one being outcast even by the people I've know since 1st grade (I'm a sophomore in high-school now we all are). Oh ya after world market we went to McDonald's I told them nit to go through the drive thru but they did anyway they almost got the cops called on them I left directly after that one but I used the bathroom in McDonald's I told them my mom is picking me up and we are getting Boba she said awww I want Boba like bitch we literally walked past it twice I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME she acted like I was gonna get her some but I just walked out. I talked with T he was just standing with the cart drinking the sparkling lemonade that was bought by C and J I told him I'm gonna leave to get Boba with my mother and he said be safe and I walk off. Also I forgot before world market and after guitar center we saw another cart and C said that I should get in it and have J push me like T was doing I said no I don't really want to C said come on just do it it'll be fun (me and J kinda have a wierd scary dog and mean cat kinda reality think the kitbull animation by Pixar relationship) I whispered to J and asked if he was comfortable with that he said no so I told C I'm not going to do that cuz I'm not comfortable with that and again she asked what stick do you have up your ass right after saying that she said why don't we steal from world market. I said let's not cuz I actually have to do monthly shopping here (I'm allergic to soy it's in everything in America but not in alot of foods from other countries ex: Japan, Germany, Austria, Australia, etc.) Also after I went home I told them through insta that it isn't ok to even joke about that and riding in a shopping cart in oregon wasn't the safest. She said we won't get caught it's just a little fun. I said if one person in a group of four is found to be shoplifting then the whole group could be charged with it and black listed from many stores. She said it'll be OK if your cool with the cops here uh ya no that's how the cali cops are not the oregon cop they don't care who you are but they do care about hair color and body shape and skin tone also who your parents are. The police in oregon know me cuz I'm concerned to my brother I'm on record I'm in some of his court cases I'd they put my name in there computer they would find every bad thing every good thing every step every everyone I've ever done CUZ ITS ALL ON RECORD DUE TO MY BROTHER it's all there cuz I had to be proven inosent due to me being a child witness I never could go to court but uh somewhere there's a PHAT stack of papers all labeled with my name. Also the cops know I'm native and African and Asian so uh ya they would arrest me and my friends. I voiced these concerns to C and they literally ghosted me cuz I was being truthful I also told them I have had family and friends kidnapped by ice for skin color I may not know the family members but I sure as he'll knew it happened during the riots and protests in portland during the BLM movement over covid so uh ya sorry I'm afraid of the white supremacy cops that run oregon my bad I don't look as white as you on paper woops my bad my oopsies. Oh ya and I gave a reason for my over protectiveness and me being pissy it's cuz it's one of the many signs of my extreme seasonal depression but also it's a self preservation tactic my brain inacts when summers about to start .it's cuz my brother was the worst around this time and I had to do this I had to push people away so they didn't get as hurt as me I kept secrets and I will continue to do so as I get older and smarter about this cuz ya it does help it makes for a depressing summer but at least I won't be hurt by those around me and C has said that they can tell when someone is having a hard time ya well I'm right here OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE YOU ARE PART OF THE ISSUE. Also C micromanage me and my friends making my friends have a false sense of love and support but I know what they are doing there be narcissistic they said I had main character energy and yet they make me fell like I'm the filler character that always dies or disappears just before the end or season 1 I feel like I'm just here for story development nit anything important at all I'm just there always in the way. So my bad for acting the way I do when I know when I'm stuck with a narcissist and being micromanaged my finding my best way out that doesn't destroy my life completely my bad my oopsies.

After 2 years of trying for a baby with my wife, last Monday I've decided to do a semen analysis test and my worst fears were confirmed, Azoospermia.
Zero count. Nothing. Here are the details:
Volume: 1ml
Color: pale yellow
pH: 7.9
Viscosity: 0
Needless to say, this was absolutely hearth-breaking.
I was asked to consult with a Urologist and the next step was hormonal testing and karyotype testings which I've also done.
The results seem promising (?).
All my hormones check out (details below) and by what the urogolist is thinking and also what I've been reading online, it all points to obstructive azoospermia (OZ).
Here are the details of my hormonal testing (karyotype results to arrive in ~10 days).

• FSH: 5.06 (normal range)
  
• LH: 3.48 (normal range)
  
• Prolactin: 129.4 (normal range)
  
• Testosterone: 2.83 (normal range but on the lower end)
  
• TSH: 1.25 (normal range).
  

Sadly (or perhaps not?) the urologist also looked at my testicles and there are also some issues there:
Varicoceles in my left testicle which causes it to hang significantly lower, is warmer than the right testicle and is also slightly redder (may be due to my imagination).
The left testicle also has a weird lump which can sometimes be tender (for example when I'm walking, wearing jeans, etc). But according to my doctor, this is normal part of the testictle.
From what I've read, this just might be an epididymis cyst but again, this is just from what I've read. If I were to take the doctor's opinion on it, its nothing.
(I have ultrasound images of my testicles if there is a doctor here that would also like to take a look).
My next step currently is to wait for the karyotype testing and ofcourse, an mTESE.
My question is....
What are my chances here?
What am I looking at?
What should I expect?
From what I've been reading (and I've been reading a lot), if it's obstructive azoospermia, then the chances of finding sperm for IVF is at ~60% to 90%.
What are your thoughts about this?
Please, do not sugar-coat anything but if you have some encouraging stories to share or advice to give, it'll be greatly appreciated.
This has been one of the worst week of my life (probably the worst) but I am somewhat hopeful for the future.
Side note:
I'm 35, I smoke and enjoy a drink daily (I've stopped now) + I've loaded up on all the supplements: Zinc, coq10, ashwaganda, maca root, magnesium, lechtin, vitamin c, etc...
As for my health (besides the smoking and drinking) I'm pretty much otherwise healthy. Never had an issue before.
I eat clean, healthy food (veggies, meats, nuts, fruit, etc) 90% of the time and I work out 3-4 times a week. My work is also physical work so I do my 10,000+ steps a day.
Again I ask for any advice, thoughts, ideas you may have (good or bad).
I'm willing to hear it all.
Thank you.

Hi all, 41 year old here, and I've been dealing with some pretty awful and miserable symptoms of what I assume at this point is CPPS, on top of a bunch of other physical pain. The other stuff (arthritis and neck/spine issues, high blood pressure) are becoming pretty manageable, but this pelvic crap is really doing a number on me, physically and mentally.
I started about a few months ago having Tip Pain (which I see pretty often in this group, as I've been lurking a lot), and some sharp sensitivity in the penis shaft, which I chalked up to vigorous sex at first. Then, I discovered that my semen was slightly off-color (a little yellowish). But I went about my life as usual. Then, at the end of March, I started having all the classic symptoms that get talked about here. Urinary urgency/frequency, slight pain when peeing, hot feeling in my penis, sensitivity near my anus, feeling like I wasn't able to get all the pee out at once, constant pain/pressure above my groin in my way lower abdomen, you name it, I had it.
Got tested once, everything came back negative except for very slight trace blood in the urine, it went away, then it came back in April. I got a referral to a urologist, but can't be seen until August. Tried to book an appointment with my doctor, but couldn't get seen until May (which I booked anyway). So I kind of impulsively decided to take a Z-pack that I'd been prescribed a while ago. I know I'm okay with them, I handle them okay, took that, and honestly felt better for a few days. All better for maybe two.
Then it came back again, and I've been experiencing these symptoms again for the last four days. Since then, I cut out spicy foods and caffeine (I don't drink alcohol) and it doesn't seem to have changed. I am also closely monitoring what I eat because of blood pressure concerns, and I've been walking a lot every day (which I know is great for pretty much everyone for any reason). I got a couple supplements (NOW prostate health, and pygeum), but I stopped taking them because they made me feel gross, and I wasn't sure if it was their fault, but my blood pressure was high when I did. I also take Quercetin and zinc, I heard those were good, and ibuprofen, which I feel okay taking since I cut out caffeine. Trying to eat and drink a lot of anti-inflammatory stuff.
Sorry for the novel, I just wanted to say this sub has made me feel a lot of hope instead of the fear and dread I initially felt, and I appreciate y'all. I'm hoping for the best at my appointment this month (Do primary care doctors do prostate exams? I've never had one.) Oh! And I started doing some pelvic floor stretches I found on YouTube today. Do any of you have advice for anything I could do? I'll gladly answer any questions. Thanks!

My minoxidil recovery

Hi guys, it took me a long time to finally settle down to write this post but here it is.
THIS IS NOT A TROLL POST as some people believe that this whole thing is placebo, even though some people DO NOT get side effects, some people DO, whether it's genetics or whatever, consider yourself lucky if you haven't got any sides.
I'm a 22yo male, currently in my 4th year as a medical student so I know a lot on the subject since I did my best to learn everything i could on the matter. I
took minoxidil when I was 21 on 6th september 2023 so almost 8 months ago now. I was only applying 0.5mL of regaine (exactly the same brand as rogaine but under a different name here in Europe) once a day in the evening. 2-3 minutes after applying minox on my face (to try to grow a beard) I felt really dizzy with an elevated heartrate, since I usually have a low blood pressure, I knew that minox could make me feel that way as it lowers the blood pressure even more, but I've read that you could get accustomed to it. I applied again once a day 0.5 mL the day after and the day after again, so in total I applied .5 mL for 3 days.
On the 3rd day I decided to stop as the dizziness was annoying, it was like an unpleasant brainfog which I thought was not worth it. Then 10 days later I had what people call "the crash", on 15th september I was alone at home so I decided to masturbate, I started going on phub to watch a video and to my surprise my penis was like super small, like no blood flow, what people call "penis shrinkage", literally my penis was like when you come out of a super cold shower except it was summer and 25°C outside, it was also numb to the touch. And usually just by watching porn my penis gets erect but here nothing happens, it was the weirdest feeling, the p*rn had absolutely no effect on me, I felt indifferent, after trying super hard with stimulation, I managed to get a semi-erection (like 60% hard) and when I came I had this super watery semen, like literally just water, no thickness, no white color, just like water. I didnt know what the hell was going on and it is by going on this subreddit that I saw a lot of people with EXACTLY the same symptoms I had, ED, no libido and watery semen.
Then you can guess the mental effect that having ED at 21 years old can have on you when I used to be the horniest mfer you could know, I couldn't recognize myself, I was a guy that could get rock hard even blackout drunk or high as a kite, I could go for multiple round whether alone or with my girlfriend in a day with like 10 minutes in between rounds, I not once in my life had an issue with my erection or my libido. And now here I was with no libido. I've never felt depressed in my life before but I now was, then I went down the rabbit hole of reading every single posts on this sub and watching videos on youtube about it. I know for a fact minoxidil caused this whole thing but I am also sure that reading posts about this issue can have some nocebo effect as well (anxiety)
I started to wonder if this thing was all in my head because how could applying this sh*t for 3 days could make me feel that way. But I literally didn't change my lifestyle except applying this drug on my face 3 times in my life. I was not a stressed guy, I was and still am healthy and pretty muscular guy (more than average).
So my symptoms were:

• ED with penis numbness and shrinkage
• testicles shrinkage -> they literally felt smaller than usual and I can guarantee you am not paranoid
• really low libido
• elevated heart-rate at rest (like around 90 at rest when it used to be 60)
• brainfog that lasted for a week
• eyebags that went away after a few months(because of minox and collagen thing)
• I did not lose muscle mass (still pretty muscular and low body fat like 12%)
• I had weird muscles spasms, especially the legs, they would spasm and zap for no reason when sitting down in class or when going to sleep, I don't have this problem anymore
• I used to have oily skin pretty fast (lot of sebum) and after minox I had no more oil production, I now have oil production back.

I had to hide that sh*t from my girlfriend, when we first tried to have sex, I was so fckn scared that I said I felt sick and I really wasnt in the mood (I had never said that once in my life before). A few days later, she went down on me and to my surprise I could get erect, it wasnt the best erection but I managed to get erect and have sex. But now it was on and off, sometimes I could get hard, sometimes I couldnt, and watching porn alone couldnt get me hard, I needed manual stimulation. Also my erections would disappear super quickly if not stimulated. Sex just didnt feel that great anymore because I still fet a bit numb down there.
2 weeks went by since my first symptoms and I was getting normal erections again, like before. And guess what, I crashed AGAIN, I went to the gym to hit legs (super heavy legpress) and felt absolutely like shit after my session. Then while at home watching a movie, I had this crazy zapping pain in my butthole and pelvic floor area, like literally a cramp, and when I went to the bathroom my dicks was CRAZY shrunk, like it was on my initial crash. I don't know if other people have felt this stabbing pain in pelvic area but it would happen like once a week and again my dick would go small like no bloodflow and of course it would go numb. Then it didn't happen anymore and from there I started to get better.
My erections gradually started to become harder and like before, my cum became super thick, like it's weird it is now thicker than it was before minox. Watching porn started to feel a bit like it used too even though it isnt quite like it was before, it's like my libido is still affected even though I can get rock hard boners again. I can now masturbate 4 times in a day just fine. Also I can now get hard only by watching porn but it's just a bit slower to get hard.
Really what remains weird is the fact that I'm not that horny anymore, I have times where I am horny especially when I don't masturbate for a few days, but even there porn doesnt quite feel like it used too. But I can have sex just fine and keep an erections really easily without manual stimulation.
Now I know that this whole situation, since it has an effect on mental health, it can affect libido, but I know for sure that it got fucked because of minoxidil, now that I'm recovered with my ED 100% and that my libido is like 85% what is used be, I wonder if the fact that my libido is not 100% is because this whole thing happened to me or it's just that once you recover you don't get the libido you had.
I'd say the only positive thing about this whole situation is that now I take a bit longer to cum but not like too long, like before I could came within 2 minutes of sex if I didnt REALLY control myself, now I'm in a really sweet spot where I can last a lot and make sure the girl gets off first.
Of course I tried a lot of supplements, I took them for around 3-4 months then I stopped and thought it might be better to not take anything and heal naturally because I didnt want to rely on any supplements after recovering. I'm not sure if any really helped, was it placebo or was I going to recover naturally I don't know, here is the list of what I've tried

• vitamin D3
• zinc 15mg
• p5p 25mg (only took it like 3-4 times since I heard it could cause toxicity)
• black macca (only took it 2 times because it made me feel weird after taking it)
• I also did and still do intermittent fasting as it can increase your GH production and potentially heal your body from damaged cells

I'd recommend not taking anything and let your body heal naturally.
I stayed away from alcohol and weed but now since I feel way better I drink and smoke weed occasionnaly , I also mange to get hard when drunk which is a positive sign and no I don't crash from smoking weed.
I haven't crashed since the 2nd crash two weeks after the initial crash. I now feel recovered as I can have normal erections again and have sex as I wish, my libido is also higher but not 100% (as I said around 80-90%).
Feel free to ask any questions, I want to help as many people as possible

Edit: I wrote this while emotional and filled with thoughts that stew when brewing over the same thoughts for a while, and they burst out because the pressure builds from not speaking the thoughts because you don't want to offend a person you care about.
Byoomth woke up this morning and immediately headed down the mountain without me. I had a shit night, got maybe three hours of sleep, so I stayed to make coffee and followed him immediately after. I figured he went straight to the library, so I did a round for food which led me to the bus station. There, I see Byoomth laying down as he sometimes does when he's not feeling good. I go over, and the first thing out of his mouth is “will you be willing to kill me?”
I'm rather glum as well as a result of this. But, I don't give into my emotions. I don't feed them, because then they would grow. Instead, I turn to my work, my art, my passion, my mission. It sustains me and fills me with the energy I need to stay afloat on these stormy waters. This is because I have aligned my efforts, my desires, and my will with a higher power. I see the effect I have doing this, playing this character, disseminating anything and everything I have behind my eyes and in my heart to help those who need something to carry them, to sort their own problems out, and to empower them to be the most that they can be. This is what I was made for, and I bask in the glory and gratefulness I have to be given such a great and noble purpose.
Byoomth is a Buddhist. The memeplexes of the Buddha and subsequent enlightened followers of his word are wound tightly around his soul. Honestly, I am impressed with how unwavering his beliefs are; he is a true zealot, in a good sense of the word. But, where does the power to carry on come from? He prays almost everyday to a deity, asking for weed, but where are the prayers for power? For strength? For hope and inspiration? I have never heard these prayers.
Edit: Byoomth and I talked and he has sparked the awareness that he has made prayers to other deities, and I wish to issue an apology to him. My intention was to express my thoughts about how prayer should be an empowering tool.
What good is a religion, a spirituality, a belief system of any kind if it does not fill you with the light to illuminate the darkness and guide you out of the night? Byoomth spends a lot of time reading and studying Suttas, but he does not appear to grow wiser. In fact, he seems to focus on learning the rule-sets that the Buddha and those in his spirit have set forth. He obeys, staunchly…at least in the letter of the law. He seems more preoccupied with finding clever ways to skate around the spirit of the written words of authority figures, to which I must say he is the most technically correct Buddhist I've ever met.
There's a Sutta that describes in great detail the doctrine surrounding sexual pleasure and masturbation. This Sutta describes ten different types of semen color, and I asked Byoomth what if you were to make a new type of ejaculate, to which he replied it would be permissible under the tenets of Buddhism, at least until the Sutta is updated. Ridiculous! I can say more on this topic, but it would delve into revealing some personal details of Byoomth and his lifestyle, so I will refrain, but I must say, what good are divine rules if you do not see them as a means to instill behavior that is most beneficial for the purposes of humanity's fight against entropy, the true devil of the cosmos?
In our conversations, it has been revealed to me that Buddhism is mostly constructed around the basic principle that the reality we perceive is an illusion/simulation, and the ideal goal of existence within the confines of the perceived system is to grow and manifest the most ideal and good aspects of the human character. Personally, I see this as akin to something similar to what The Talos Principle posits in its gameplay and story: we must learn to perceive and undo the karmic fetters that bind us to the existence-illusion complex in order to maximize our function to serve ourselves and the collective good of all beings while simultaneously waking us up to our true nature and the true nature of reality so that we can truly feel the love of God and love God and all others in the same manner.
Thus, it is imperative that we take serious the notion that free will is a skill, because there is an element of our being which is constructed by variables relating to the nuances of our lives which determine how well we live. This, in my opinion, necessitates the study, practice, and mastery of magick, for magick, as I define it, is the use of the abilities at our disposal to master ourselves, and by extension the world in which we occupy.
God does not what automatons. God wants conscious, free, and freely loving beings to occupy Heaven, that which lies outside the garden/illusion/simulation, with Him, so we can all live together in a harmonious, happy, and good world of our own creation. So, take up the mantle to program yourself to be the best being you can be. Be the Buddha. Be the Christ. Be who you are meant to be.

I had a vasectomy about 13 months ago. Zero pain or complications, followed all protocol, and was cleared within 12 weeks. For the first 6 months after the procedure, orgasms were normal and semen volume and explosiveness appeared to have increased significantly, however, it did appear much thinner and more clear in color. The shooting distance I gained made up for that so it did not bother me much - I kind of looked at this as a benefit. That seems to have been short-lived. Now colo viscosity is much closer to what it used to be and the vast majority of orgasms are underwhelming, to the point it has kind of reduced my sex drive. During the time I experienced the shooting distance of an adult film star, I was also using marijuana and creatine somewhat regularly, compared to not at all after that time. Not sure if this is related to anything but curious if anyone else has had a similar experience? What else could cause such a change well after healing. I legitimately cannot tell if this is in my head and perhaps the depression from it is feeding the issue.