Oh good.... I've never posted on reddit, but it looks like I can "save draft" and come back later. I don't know how long this will be. EDIT: I have finished typing. It's long. I will go back through and label it in different "parts" which I'll put in all caps. You can make it a shorter read by skipping down to part 2
PART 1:
Anyway, a little background. I grew up being a bit depressed all my life. I looked good to women and got approached during the times I was thin, but always had a weight problem. I was always shy around women and never dated much. My only saving grace was that I got into a field of work that I loved. I became a nerd. In 1989 I got my license and got to do what I enjoyed. '89 was a big year for me. I quit smoking got thin and healthy I felt good about myself.
In 1993, I got a computer and joined a live chat group, I think was called IRC (for Internet Relay Chat). I joined a group called 30's singles. It was there, that I felt safe and comfortable flirting with women. It was fun. I, (a male, 39 years old at the time) had never been married nor had a serious relationship. I had had sexual encounters a few times since I was in my twenties, but not a lot. It was on 39 singles where I met a woman, lets call her SWMBO ("She Who Must Be Obeyed" for those of you who never saw "Rumpole of the Baily" It should be said aloud with a shudder in your voice for full effect). Anyway, SWMBO was a very conflicted woman. We became a bit of an online off and on romance. We talked for some time on the phone, and spent a lot of time on "30 Singles". At one point I drove from Denver to Albuquerque over the weekend to see her. Over time, she slowly confessed things to me. (for instance she wasn't in her 30's, she was 41, she also confessed that she was married but separated (which I found out later was a lie). While she visiting me in my motel room she, at one point, laid on my bed and said "kiss me". I refused, since she had told me she was married (albeit separated). It (later) became apparent that she was looking for a husband before she was going to go for a divorce from her husband. Another time, she came to Denver and stayed with her son and DIL and we met up again for a nice dinner. (She we religious, and against premarital sex, but she had this son when she was 17 and still in HS). Again very conflicted.
Anyway, I kind of stopped having much to do with her because of her marital status. After some time (months) SWMBO showed up on my doorstep announcing she was divorced. She had lost a lot of weight and was extremely attractive. We started dating and getting sexually active. I was head-over-heels about her. Her sister lived in the the same city and hooked her up with an apartment management company, where she got a free apartment, and was the manager. Although we had some rocky times, I was in it.
In 1996, my dad died. I grew up with a great set of parents. My dad love my mom very much and would have done anything for her. We grew up in a very healthy lifestyle. I even felt guilty about my being depressed for all those years, because I later met so many people who have had such a hard time. We were white, dad was an engineer and made enough to support mom and us three boys. I was hurt. I went immediately to mom's house in North Carolina and we grieved with my mom, brothers, and other relatives who came to support us. I was on the phone with SWMBO every day. During one of the conversations, she told me she was going to go on a date with Bob. A guy she had met there. I asked her why she would tell me that at this time and pointed out that I was grieving the death of my father. I just couldn't understand why she would tell me that.
In 1998, I lived in what we call the "foothills" which is the flat plains area east of the Rocky Mountains. I saw an opening for a job on (what's locally referred to the Western Slope) and drove 5-1/2 hours away to talk to the hiring person about working for him. It was a higher cost-of-living area and would mean more pay because it was considered a hard to fill position. I was offered the job (partly because I was the only candidate). I took it. When I got home I told SWMBO that I was taking the job and she could move there with me if she wanted (mistake number 53, I think). Anyway, we moved. After we got there, SWMBO started talking about how she would have to get a job, and I would need to start helping out with some of the housework. I was like, whatever, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. She kept putting off trying to get a job. We found a house we both liked and I bought it. After closing, she got all pissed that I had not put her on the deed. (She didn't even come to the closing. Obviously she would have had to sign a lot of closing papers if she was going to be on the deed. Anyway we were in that house for a year. and she started talking about how we weren't married, and that her son was giving her crap about it be it being against the Bible or some such thing to live together out of wedlock. She also adopted the saying "You can't have the milk if you don't buy the cow" (or however that saying goes). So she said we have to get married. I was like "whatever". So we did it. We had a ceremony at the house inviting friends and family. I number of my relatives came a lot because it was such a beautiful area and a very touristy town. This was in 1999. Later, she started talking about how she felt that this house had bad juju. She could feel. She even invited over some people she had met from church and they "could feel it too". Yes it's obvious I was an absolute simp. But she was insistent that we get another home. I was just like: "whatever". I know you all see it coming. She wanted to get on the deed.
In 2001, there was another job opening back in the foothills that would have been a promotion for me. I applied and got the job. We now moved back across the mountains. SWMBO and I had stopped having sex not long after we got married. She was controlling and I had lost all attraction for her. I was just living my life and supporting the dead weight. It was like being single only cost a lot more money. SWMBO, over the years, had started touting that she was a housewife. I earned the living and she would take care of the house and my needs. She started out washing and folding my laundry making dinner and keeping the house clean. She slowly tapered off, complaining that I never put my clothes away, etc. She eventually quit doing my laundry altogether. She started making less meals (she never made breakfast or lunch). It got to where she would say that since I got weekends off, she felt she deserved weekends off and I had to figure out what to make for dinner. But even during the weekdays she would say something like "I'm having a protein drink and you're on your own for dinner". She would make a dinner maybe two or three time a week. She also started saying we needed to hire someone to clean once a week. Basically, though, no one was good enough for her.
Now her oldest son let's just nickname OS (he's another side story I can tell about at a later time) lived in the same city as us. He was a bodybuilder and a big womanizer. One of his women moved in with him. She had been in prison (another side story) and after she moved in, she was getting custody back of her son. When she told him that he kicked her out. Let's call this woman MH (for meth-head). MH somehow found a place she couldn't afford. SWMBO hired her to clean once a week at our house. She actually did a very good job (I just don't know where she got her energy (lol)). MH was getting evicted. She wasn't looking for a new place to live very much and SWMBO stepped in. Dragging her out to look at apartments she couldn't afford. SWMBO finally said we would have to put MH up until she found an apartment. Now we were stuck with her and her son. (PS MH was not a very good mother.) This was sometime in 2018 or maybe early 2019. I had again lost a lot of weight (dropped from 255 down to 175 over the course of a year.) My health we extremely improved. I was as happy as I had been since 1989.
PART 2:
I was turning 65 (it felt like a big milestone for me), I had decided to retire the month after my birthday, I was getting a pension after 28 years with the same organization, it was the year of SWMBO and my 20 year anniversary of "blissful" marriage. On the day of my birthday, SWMBO's niece (let's call her "Niece", was visiting us from the western slope. SWMBO was planning a birthday celebration that night for me. It came. SWMBO was not very happy. She was kind of making her day miserable. She decorated. We had a pretty bad "party". At nightfall, Niece and I started listening to music on the back patio and drinking. (I have always drank every day after work. I am not a mean drunk and had never been mean or abusive). After her son was in bed MH joined us. SWMBO stayed in the house and stewed. At one point she got angry with MH and said she was going to get out. (I never wanted her to move in in the first place, but I was hard-pressed to kick her sone to the curb). The three of us sat out on the patio until the wee hours (maybe 2:00 on the morning) having a grand old time.
(sorry it's taken so long to get here).
In the morning, I got up around 9:00 a.m. My wife was pissed at me and told me that I had to kick MH out. I told her "no". (maybe the first time I had ever stood up to her). She was MAD. She asked "So your siding with her over me?" I said "yes". I never saw her so mad. Just anger in her eyes. She hauled of and slapped me as hard as she could. I have never slapped or fought anyone in my life, but I slapped her back. HARD. That made her even madder. She was seeing red 100% (for John that translates to 1M%). SWMBO then hit me VERY hard on the side of the head with a closed fist. She was still trying to fight me and I grabbed her and held her off. I absolutely lost it. She later said that I had her in a choke hold. I don't know but she finally stopped struggling. I started cursing her out loud (which I never did before, and telling her all the things wrong with her. She went and sat down at the dining room table, totally deflated. MH and Niece came out of their respective bedrooms to see what all of the commotion was about. I went and got SWMBO's gun and hid it in the shed. I called 911, had second thoughts and hung up. Then called and hung up again. I didn't know it at the time, but if you call 911 and hang up, it puts them on high alert and the sheriff's office came out (so did EMT). They interviewed every one in the house about what they saw and heard. I was in a daze, but told them everything as I recalled it. I told them that she hit me with a closed fist. They asked me where, but I said I didn't know exactly, but that I had a headache that seemed to come from right on the left side of my skull. I also mentioned that I wasn't prone to headaches. The one shining light was that when they talked to SWMBO, she admitted that she hit me first. I think they would probably have believed her over me if she had not said that. They hauled her off in handcuffs and had her put on an MRO (Mandatory Restraining Order). She had to spend the night in jail, and couldn't come back home.
The sheriff deputies told me I could go to the emergency room at no cost to me. I declined. Five days later I was still acting dazed and confused. I mentioned what had happened at work and some suggested I should maybe go to the hospital. I agreed and one of them took me there. I was in and out surprisingly quickly. An ER doctor saw me, and I told him about getting hit in the head and that I still had a headache. He asked me several questions along the line of whether I had fell down, and other things to help him decide how serious it was. I said "no" to all of his questions. He then told me that, based on my answers that I probably did have a concussion, but the questions were aimed at whether there was a possibility that something else may have happened. He said that there was no real way to test for a concussion and that my headache would probably get better.
It didn't, although maybe your brain eventually get's used to it. I don't know. But I kept having troubles. In retrospect, I don't think I should have been driving. I had about three or four accidents with the car. One time I hit a parked car and dented it by the front fender. I left a note with my name and number on it. They called me and I paid to have it repaired. Two other times I hit a curb and ruined a tire. One of them times, I just couldn't get the tire changed by my self (I later realized I was super weak on my right side). Another time, it was after midnight, and it just took me forever to get the tire changed. (That was a rental car and another story that I might tell in a different post).
I kept getting worse. Three months after the big fight, I decided to walk to a convenience store after dusk, to get some cigarettes. I was 100% (ie 10,000,000%) sober, but I had a VERY hard time walking. I didn't seem to be able to lift my right foot of the ground. I was stumbling around. I kept finding myself in the middle of the street and would work my way back. I finally made it there and back home. I walked up to my front door leaning against the house. I should have called an ambulance, but stayed home and drank. The next day, I was still bad off (MH had been telling me I should go in for a while). I asked her to take me. I got there, and told them about what had been going on. They did a brain scan. It turned out that I had been bleeding into the left side of my brain for 3 mos. (to the day). The surgeon told me that I was scheduled to have surgery @ 10:00 the next morning. The nurse taking care of me, introduced himself as "George". He said that a lot of people there called him "Beau". (lol it later struck me that I was being watched over by "Beau George". All you youngsters out there look up "Boy George" in your internet machines.) Anyway my headache started getting very bad. I told Beau George that I was having the worst headache in the world. That I couldn't stand it. (honestly, I finally realized about why sometimes people kill themselves because of pain). Beau George got me a prescription dose of Tylenol. I kept complaining. Eventually he told me that the surgeon was coming in to do the brain surgery. As I was being wheeled in, I texted my two brothers at 2:00 a.m. that I was on my way in for brain surgery (in case it wasn't a success).
Anyway, he had to cut a gash in my head and drill a hole in my skull. They put in a tube and a put a clear bladder on the other end which they put in my front pocket. I felt great. immediately. I had to stay in NTICU (Neuro-Trauma Intensive Care Unit) while the monitored how much blood was coming out every day. It had to get down to less than so much before they could remove the tube and staple me up. (the gash they cut open that is for where they drilled.)
Sorry.....not over. I got out on Thanksgiving Day of 2019. I felt GREAT. I made a turkey, and had just a wonderful couple of days. Then on Saturday, I was in the foyer, when I had a full-blown seizure. It was weird, the feeling before I went down. I came to, and had started trying to crawl up on an easy chair. MH found me and there was blood everywhere. I had full-on pooped my pants. It stuck to high heaven. She (MH) called 911 and they took me in. I was in the holding area for a vey long time. I had a robe on and took off my shit-filled pants and underwear and asked a passing nurse to throw them away. I finally got in and had to have same thing done all over again. The drain tube, the bladder thing 3 weeks in the hospital. I went through the exact same ordeal.

Hey everyone —
I'm excited to announce That Fit Friend's podcast now has a co-host, and our first episode is live.
Podcast On YouTube: Watch It Here
Listen On Spotify: Listen Here
Raechel Sinuk has over a decade of experience with training in bodybuilding and CrossFit and she's going to bring a new energy to the podcast. She routinely MCs CrossFit comps and has a good beat on the strength sports scene.

Why Having Raechel Is Huge

1. She's amazing research and we have some killer guests lined up for the podcast. I'm excited to have her deep dive into future guests and their backgrounds/what they do.
2. Good energy and vibes.
3. More points of view to discuss topics.
4. Variety for episodes! Gone are the days where it will just be my voice on the podcast. We'll have episodes with both of us, just me, and just Raechel!

My Ask From Y'all!

We have a list of 123 names and counting that we're reaching out to. Some folks are in my network, and some are out of it.
But I want to know...
Who do YOU want to see on the podcast?
I'm confident we can get most folks on the podcast and I want to make a big effort to ensure we're having guests on that the community is interested in. Who do you got?!?

Hi! I posted recently about soloing MM8 with a vampire. I saw it done by Nerd Commando on YouTube. Kudos. The build was actually quite complex, like a balancing act between Alchemy, Dagger and Spirit Magic. If I may, I will say that Nerd Commando struggled way too hard for no reason in the beginning.
It's pretty easy to get the Nosferatu promotion quest done with just 2 Invisibility scrolls. All you have to do is savescum in front of an Item shop in Ravenshore, Alvar or Shadowspire (they carry random Master scrolls just save and reload to get what you want).
The Cyclops Larder will take several attempts. The spaces are tight and the Cyclops are huge. It's a tight squeeze to avoid breaking Invisibility. You won't have much time after exiting the dungeon, so escape through lava with levitate or travel through the edge of the map. Save/Reload is a superpower here.
Getting Korbu's coffin in the crypt is a cakewalk in comparison. The dungeon is so wide and the enemies are spread apart. The genies may move towards the middle of the room if you're unlucky.
You can do other quests with Invisibility too, like getting the vial of grave dirt. So it's just too tempting to complete half of the game through Invisibility. So you can effectively go from level 1 to 25 without fighting. I did just that yesterday.
And now I am having regrets again. I put all of my skill points into Vampire Ability. It's now rank 20. Is it me, or does Life Drain underperform!? The recovery rate is slow. The projectile moves slowly (why?). And the damage is lowish. I am dealing about 68, 77, 88, 102 damage on average. Sometimes 15 if the monster has resistances. These damage numbers would be great with daggers since the recovery rate is fast. This won't cut it in large groups of thick enemies with massive hit points. I just won't deal enough DPS. With Mistform I can manage large groups of monsters. But elementals will be a problem. So Spirit Lash doesn't look so bad anymore. But it costs 15 SP instead of 5.
Honestly, if I ever hit a huge hurdle I'll definitely switch over to a Necromancer build. The promotion quest is pretty easy. Dark magic spells deal way more damage.
Last thoughts: there is some satisfaction in playing underpowered classes like the Ranger in MM7. Nerd Commando made a point about the Vampire class requiring a more complex playstyle to perform. Nothing is linear with the Vampire. You have to be creative. It's the polar opposite of the Knight where you just GM plate, spear, repair item, sword & bodybuilding. Then dump all of your skill points into Armsmaster. I am trying to play the Vampire in the most linear way: Vampire Ability. I am playing as if Vampire Ability is my only skill.

I just walked out of my testing site and got in my car. Really? That was the exam? That was child’s play compared to the Core 1. Even the “language” didn’t feel CompTIA-esque. Of course, I got a few of the typical BEST, FIRST, & NEXT type questions but it was like I skimmed the questions and promptly knew the answer. Nothing like the questions from Core 1 that required plenty of thinking to pick which was the correct answer.
I had 75 total questions. 5 PBQ’s, 70 multiple choice. I was, as well as many of you, told to just skip the PBQ’s and come back at the end. I did that last Friday with my Core 1 and thankfully I did because I used up every second of the exam sweating, trying to configure those Core 1 PBQ’s. (Also had 5, with 72 MCQ)
But, I noticed when I clicked start the exam the first PBQ was a literal SMS screenshot convo with some company’s CEO, and I needed to text him “professionally” while troubleshooting his phone’s symptoms. Like what? So, I just went ahead did the 5 PBQ’s and breezed through the 70 remaining MCQ with +40 minutes to spare. Seriously.
I have no IT background but have been attending a technical school around me for close to 10 months now. I have an internship with a company that quality assures servers for Microsoft and graduate within the next couple of months. I am a career switch, from self proclaimed bodybuilder + Sales Associate. I am 25 years old.
I have a genuine passion & drive for this field, though. I grabbed a couple textbooks off Amazon for additional reinforcement. If this is your future, what can go wrong with cracking open a book old school style and learning. I know though that Messer and other free but abridged video series do in fact cover just enough to slide by the trifectas, and I definitely watched his two YouTube playlists in 1.5x for reinforcement the few days leading up to my exams, but it’s not enough to be successful. It’s plain not.
My school paid for my vouchers and they are valid until the winter and I’m aware that the Sec+ will be renewed and changed in the summer, so maybe I’ll give that a crack just for peace of mind around winter time, depending how busy I am with whichever company I am hopefully working for by then.
All in all, I made this post to say what the fu*k CompTIA? Kind of sketchy…. As certifications aren’t free, and you need to pay for & pass the dreadful Core 1 before you can be “officially A+ certified”.
On to my CCNA!

In the rapidly growing field of online personal training, certification is often considered a hallmark of credibility. However, many passionate individuals with deep knowledge and expertise in fitness may find themselves on the outside looking in due to lack of formal certification. Fortunately, the digital age offers a plethora of resources and platforms that can empower uncertified trainers to inform themselves and deliver exceptional results to their clients.

1. Fitness Industry Websites:

• Websites like Bodybuilding.com, Muscle & Fitness, and Men's Health offer a wealth of articles, workout plans, and nutritional information. Trainers can stay informed about the latest trends, research, and techniques in fitness.

2. Nutritional Resources:

• MyFitnessPal and Eat This, Not That! provide valuable nutritional information, calorie tracking tools, and meal planning resources. Uncertified trainers can educate themselves on proper nutrition and help their clients make informed dietary choices.

3. Exercise Demonstrations:

• YouTube channels such as Athlean-X, Fitness Blender, and Blogilates offer free workout videos and exercise demonstrations. Trainers can learn proper form, technique, and exercise variations to incorporate into their clients' routines.

4. Online Courses and Webinars:

• Platforms like Udemy, Coursera, and Skillshare offer online courses and webinars on various fitness-related topics. Trainers can enhance their knowledge and skills through self-paced learning and expert-led instruction.

5. Client Management Software:

• Apps like Trainerize and My PT Hub provide tools for managing clients, creating workout programs, and tracking progress. Uncertified trainers can streamline their coaching process and provide a more personalized experience for their clients.

6. Community Forums and Social Media Groups:

• Forums like Reddit's Fitness and Facebook groups for fitness professionals offer opportunities for networking, collaboration, and knowledge sharing. Trainers can connect with peers, ask questions, and learn from the collective wisdom of the community.

Conclusion:

While certification undoubtedly adds a layer of credibility to a personal trainer's credentials, it is not the sole determinant of success. Uncertified trainers who are dedicated to continuous learning, staying informed, and delivering exceptional results can leverage the wealth of resources available online to build thriving online coaching businesses and make a positive impact on their clients' lives.
By embracing a growth mindset, seeking out reputable sources of information, and prioritizing the needs of their clients, uncertified online personal trainers can carve out a niche for themselves in the competitive fitness industry and help their clients achieve their health and wellness goals.

I want to start by asking that nobody engages in any sort of brigading or personal attacks as a result of this post. I'm only interested in contributing to the discussion so we can begin moving past some major issues surrounding lion's mane that have cropped up recently.
I'm not an expert, but I do have some relevant personal experience. I wanted to investigate (within 10k characters) some prominent users of the LionsManeRecovery community to figure out what's going on. What I seemed to find is that mental health struggles are at the core of the problem, and the people I looked at all seem to be dealing with different issues, grouping together via internet phenomena over the shared commonality of their incidental use of lion's mane.
I first came across this post by u/MikeJBWilliam where he was exclaiming how LM can cause permanent damage, and gave a long list of anecdotes from different Reddit users. This was his most recent post:

Lion's Mane Permanently Damaged My Ability to Visualize

He describes how years prior, he took Om brand LM extract for 5 days. As far as I can tell Om doesn't actually sell extract, and he was taking what some user called "myceliated rice powder", possibly mixed with dry mushroom. He was taking a product that was weaker than the lion's mane extracts that you'd typically buy in pill form, but he thought that he was taking an unusually large amount.

Over this period, I also noticed a gradual decline in my memory and ability to focus. College work became excruciating, and holding more than one idea in my mind became frustratingly difficult.
My mental abilities have remained heavily impaired since. I find it almost impossible to dream or visualize[...]

Looking a bit deeper into u/MikeJBWilliam's history, I found these posts:

Why would Lion's Mane mushroom cause permanent brain damage in the prefrontal cortex?

Why would Lion's Mane mushrooms permanently destroy my working memory?

The posts are removed, but the comments give some interesting clues.
Further back in their user history, I found several posts detailing the use of psychedelics and research chemicals to self-medicate "a decade long anhedonic depression/dissociation that neither therapy or a good lifestyle could fix". He mentions that he ingested the LM powder while on "about a tenth of a blotter" of LSD:

Within minutes of taking the mushrooms a part of my awareness "switched off". It has still not turned back on again. It was a scary experience and over the next few months I fully realized what I had lost.
Focusing on my studies became incredible difficult as I could no longer hold things and "see them clearly" in my working memory. I lost the ability to dream and to visualize. I started getting agitated/annoyed/aggressive in social situations (Something that I never used to do) and I felt a lot less safe riding a bicycle, as I lacked the full awareness of my surroundings (cars on the road, pedestrians on the footpaths).

Have research chemicals PERMANENTLY and negativity impacted your life?

On the nootropics sub, one user said this on the matter:

What you describe sounds very much like thought withdrawal which is a symptom of schizophrenia. Very likely induced by the LSD.

My impression is that this person was likely predisposed to psychosis/schizophrenia, and was using a range of powerful substances to self-medicate during the prodromal phase. It's hard to say whether LM potentiated the LSD in some way, or whether they would have experienced the same decline, at the same time, if they didn't combine these substances. But I do not think that this was an issue caused by lion's mane.
Next is the top moderator and one of the most active users, u/ciudadvenus. I think they're mostly responsible for the depictions of fire and brimstone that you can see in the subreddit. They're the one with the current pinned post, which says:

Do not try Lion's Mane under any circumstances! The price you could pay later is simply not worth it! This is seriously the most dangerous substance that exists.
The worst imaginable hell on earth

DO NOT TRY LION'S MANE! NO MATTER WHAT!

In the main text, they describe symptoms like "physical and mental pain", "rushes of accelerated heartbeat many times per day", "an extreme sensation of absolute fear without cause at all", "depersonalization and derealization", "strong panic attacks", etc.

How One Pill of Lion's Mane Nearly Destroyed My Life

He says that he took a single 500mg dosage of fruiting body extract from 'Nature’s Answer', 1/3rd of the daily dose recommended on the bottle.
So, I've experienced his symptoms hundreds of times, and the progression of his condition mirrors what I went through a few years ago.
He developed panic disorder, but did not understand what was going on. While desperately seeking an answer, he latched onto the idea that it was an unknown medical condition resulting from a single low dose of lion's mane. In reality the LM was probably an innocent bystander.
Clues within the earlier parts of the post establish that he was both nervous about taking lion's mane, and had difficulty sleeping the night before the first panic attack. I'm going to assume that he was also predisposed to anxiety and neuroticism. These are all precipitating factors. Much like my own experience with the disorder, if it didn't start then, it probably would have started later. I don't think that lion's mane physically contributed to it in a significant way.
Another major user on that subreddit I want to mention is u/MicroscopicStonework. This is the other primary moderator. They also have a YouTube channel primarily dedicated to vlogs on the topic.
This user had also ingested the Om brand of powdered lion's mane material. He says that it was for only two weeks.
In his vlogs he gives descriptions of various persistent somatic experiences and anxieties. Among the issues he reports are perceptions of muscle tightness, compulsive and repetitive movements in various body parts, numbness and weakness in the fingers, a severe inability to focus and find relief aside from when he's asleep, as well as feelings of despair and guilt for how his condition is affecting those around him.
It's clear that this person is suffering immensely, and it's heartbreaking to see. I'm very concerned about the medical procedures that he's had done, such as 'nerve block injections'. I feel as if the doctors he's dealing with are ignorant of the nature of his problems, and this probably contributes to his feelings of confusion and hopelessness.
One of his significant contributions to the LionsManeRecovery subreddit is a massive write-up that begins here:

Life Could Have Been a Dream: did taking Lion’s Mane destroy my life?

u/MicroscopicStonework does not seem to be dealing with panic attacks or psychosis. While I can't diagnose him, I have some ideas. From skimming through the text posts, it seemed to be a pretty clear case of hypochondria. And that's likely true. But from watching the vlogs, I also get a very strong impression that the root cause is that this individual may be suffering from undiagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with heavy somatic and tourettic features.
I say this as someone who has OCD and Tourette's Syndrome, which led me to experience severe health obsessions, as well as panic disorder, in the past.
Outside of their respective communities, these neurological conditions are very misunderstood, and it's common for them to be misdiagnosed by doctors who aren't educated on them. Sufferers can have a hard time describing their symptoms as well.
"Tourettic OCD" seems to closely align with his experiences of compulsive movements in response to different feelings of tension and whatnot. This is a decent introduction to the concept:
https://youtu.be/evxW-7vK4bU
Tourette's is another possibility, but there's a lot of overlap, and OCD alone can cause these symptoms. Extreme stress can also cause "Functional neurological symptom disorder", that being dysfunction absent a physical cause.
Preoccupations and worries regarding health and well-being are also common, including closely perceiving normal sensations (including symptoms of stress/anxiety) to the point that they are distressing.
Lastly, a quick mention of Ryan Russo: a bodybuilding influencer who's spoken on the topic as well. He blames lion's mane for a set of symptoms he has - primarily sexual dysfunction.
From watching that video we can see that he admits to abusing steroids and taking testosterone. These things are known for ruining the body's natural ability to produce T, and I'm highly skeptical of the idea that lion's mane is the cause of his problems, as opposed to damage from using gear.

I saw this ad on YouTube claiming to have this "secret weight loss method" and insisting that it doesn't involve reducing carbs or intense workouts.
They keep showing this bodybuilder "guru" in great shape eating donuts and pizza and he keeps saying his method is so good, bla bla bla.
I have to admit I kept watching in disgust because they're clearly trying to take a advantage of people's desperation and hide their "secret" behind an overpriced paywall.
So it got me curious if anyone knows what this is all about? It seems obvious to me that it's some kind of gray area scam but I'm not sure what their game is.

So I started watching Hamza a few months ago. At first I found him cool and funny. But then I started hearing things like, "oh, she's with a guy like me bro." Or, "I am better than the 99.99999999999% of men.
That's when I realized, this guy actually think that he's the shit. There's nothing wrong with being bad at something you do, but when you don't acknowledge that your bad, and like your "him", then there's a problem.
First, there's Hamza's physical abilities.
Holy shit, this is embarrassing.
The man up until the age of seventeen didn't touch weights, the pull-up bar, didn't play any sports, and did not do a single martial art. And, he even admits this in his bodybuilding saves my life video. He says that he wasn't able to preform a single pull up, and had to use extremely light weight. A seventeen year old man, unable to do a single pull up. I'm fourteen and able to do fifteen pull-ups. The most pathetic thing, the dude trained has been training for around nine years, that's impressive, what has he achieved? An "aesthetic" physique. That's all he trains for, what about strength, speed, agility, martial arts, sports, flexibility and mobility? And the sad part is, his physique isn't even that great compared to other physiques on the internet due to his years of inactivity bad eating, smoking, drinking, drugs, some of this stupid shit he was still doing when he first started his SELF IMPROVMENT channel. Other than having a good physique, he's got nothing going for him physically, no calisthenics skills, not very flexible or fast, but hey, he priorised the "6 AEsThEtiC muSclEs." Then there's his martial arts. Oh, boy. If you have ever seen one Hamza's videos with him practicing Muay Thai or boxing, the strikes are slow and sloppy, telegraphed, it literally looks like hes actively struggling to move his leg when he kicks, and he actually was considering becoming a fighter, after which he pissed out and made a long ass video on "wHy beINg A fIgHteR isNs'T mY pURpose." Yeah, because you suck. You wanted to quit on your first day. Oh, and he literally had to have boobs removed from his chest.
Well, not everything is physical. What about Hamza's intelligence?
I mean, he got bad grades in school, not really sure about university, and not sure what jobs he did before YouTube. But, now, he says intelligent stuff like vegetables are defending themselves against you buy releasing toxins in your body, or a woman tramau is stored in her private parts.
So the only thing this guy has going for him is that he's rich due to sitting down and talking into a camera about sharing information which I could learn with a quick Google search, making fun of actually strong and athletic fitness influencers, and asking you to join his cult.
A man who is nothing but money, money made from sometimes giving good advice, but mostly from saying stupid shit.

Hey everyone! Hope life has been treating you well, for me, I've been thrown a but of a curve ball and have embarked on a journey I didn't think I would. This is a long post, be warned.
I'm a straight 38 year old male, married with a kid. My wife and I own a construction company in Texas and I am a retired bodybuilder and arena football player.
My wife got injured on a job that almost paralyzed her and requires a second neck surgery, which will force her into disability. In our business she handles all interior work and I handle exterior, without an adequate replacement we will be losing about 60% of our revenue. We have been talking about winding the company down because we have bought a large ranch and want to try our hand in ranching and farming and live a simpler life and have more time on the property as a family. We didn't anticipate our exit to be this abrupt.
For the past few years I've been creating content on tiktok and YouTube, some work stuff, gaming as an alter ego, educational stuff (I have a Masters in Business Administration/ Human Resources), fitness, reactions, and have a bit of a following. I have been asked by many people who follow if I have an Only Fans, which I would reply no. They normally would say that I would do really well and that's its a shame or something of that nature.
So......The wife and I sat down and discussed options.

1. I could try and replace her and continue then wind down, but then I would turn around and let the replacement go after a ton of training and resources invested.
   
2. Go back to the corporate world, wear a suit and tie again, and grind it out in the city and try to build our dream ranch on the side for the next 10 years, or
   
3. Try out Only Fans with the audience I have, filming content on my property and focus on building our dreams.
   

So I said fuck it, and 20 days ago as of this writing I started an OF.
It's blowing up. Top 5% in just under 3 weeks.
This absolutely blowd my mind because I consider it pretty much SFW. I show my ass here and there, but nothing crazy and I don't show my dick. Regardless, my community seems to love it.
Upon further researching my audience, I have come to realize about 95% is gay, which again confuses me because I'm straight.
This my friends is why I'm here. I have a few of the guys on my Only Fans I consider as advisors that has been helping me with ideas and photo shoots and livestreams, great guys and super supportive.
One of them recommended me here to ask some questions to a larger group and to get more feedback, so these are the questions I have (finally right?).

1. Why do gay men love straight men so much? I have had a huge amount of gay men state that being straight and making this kind of content on Only Fans makes it much more "hot" then if I was gay myself. Why?
   
2. Jock Straps - Dozens of requests to wear this. I've played sports all my life and played professionally. Jock straps have always just been necessary sports attire to me, I've never looked at them as a sexual thing. Why are they seen like this by gay men?
   
3. Body Hair - This one baffles me. I'm a decently hairy dude, but when I competed and was single I was always clean shaved. I always thought the male body looked better cleanly shaved and trimmed, this seems to not be the case for gay men. Even the hair on my back I'm told not to shave it, and I think it looks horrendous. Why is this?
   

4 Meetups - I'm very comfortable with my sexuality and I'm a pretty big dude and can take care of myself. Several of my fans live in Dallas, TX witch is pretty close to me. I've been asked if I'd be willing to meet up for dinner, drinks, gym workout, etc. Honestly I'd have no issue building a friendship with any of them, but I have concerns. First, obviously, I don't want to lead anyone one and I'm very clear with that. Second, with gay men, is there predatory men like in straight dating dynamics? Would I need to watch my drinks and stuff like that? I know with my straight buddies we can get pretty lit and have a great time and never a concern, but with this I have no idea. I hope I'm phrasing this question right and I'm not coming off sounding like a dick.
5 - Value and Satisfaction - I'm pretty open and transparent. I don't lead on or promise and not deliver on any facet of my life. I have concerns about sustainability of fans without having to go all out and starting stuffing things in my asshole. I have set boundaries with this that are clearly stated, but I'm afraid eventually the content will not be sufficient. I know as a straight man, I can only handle so much "tease" and will want the real thing. As gay men, do you develop feelings for other men that you have sexual desire for? I know that personally when I look at porn or pictures to get off I have zero desire to get to know the people or engage or anything, I'm there for a purpose then I'm done.
I guess those are probably the top 5 questions I have right now and would love any insight on them. Sorry it's a super long post, but I'm honestly in a whole new world and want to understand as much as I can.

Something just doesn't seem right to me. A lot of creatine from my understanding comes from Red meat. So, strangely, It's ethically okay for a lot of these "Vegan" bodybuilders to take synthetic creatine, possible synthetic nutrients (B12, Iron, Calcium, etc etc Vitamins) and are making HUGE gains?
I just tried to go Vegan for a month and I was losing muscle mass QUICKLY. None of this is making sense and I'm wondering how many vegan "Bodybuilders" out there are legit, and aren't scamming. Then you have this "Fruitarian" guy on YouTube who jacked to the gills. None of this is making sense, and I don't believe any of it.
Make it make sense, because it's been quite the opposite for my athletic performance and muscularity by removing meat.

So back in the beginning of 2018, I walked in on my girlfriend while she was literally filming herself giving some scumbag a BJ. Needless to say it was a messy breakup. For the next month or so, I was in and out of mental wards because of my severe depression. This chick was my first longterm girlfriend and this gutted me.
I eventually pulled out of my depression and became obsessed with bodybuilding and physical fitness. Back when were together, I was about 40 pounds overweight and this is why I thought she had left me, because I thought she wasn't physically attracted to me anymore. I cut off nearly all human contact for about a year and a half. My world was home, work and the gym. Admittedly I got into phenomenal shape, got down to only 7% body fat, but my isolation was becoming pretty unhealthy. Even though I was in the best shape of my life, I just couldn't connect emotionally to other women like I did my ex.
So I decided to pursue another passion of mine, filmmaking. It's here that I finally started to blossom. Since 2021, I have started my own growing YouTube channel and have produced two of my own films. I'm in the process of finishing my third film and wouldn't you know, my ex comes back into my life. She's the cousin of one of my actors and that's how we got reaquainted. We've gotten together three or four times and I find myself falling for her all over again. I don't want to fall into the same traps but this girl has me over an emotional barrel. I just don't know what to do.

I know protein is an essential macronutrient that is necessary for proper body function. And I know many people who are into fitness and bodybuilding need to eat enough protein to make sure optimal performance.
I am looking to lose weight and learned a lot on proper strategies to lose weight. Almost all YouTube fitness influencers like Jeff Nippard, Layne Norton, or Mike Israetel (all of whom are evidence-based, that's why I follow them) recommend 1g/lb or 2.2g/kg of bodyweight or more. As a 100kg (~ 220lbs), it's almost impossible to get that much protein to my diet. Even at my goal weight of 70kg (154lbs), it is difficult without eating like 3000 calories.
From most nutrition studies the minimum is 0.8g/kg of bodyweight that is ~80g protein for someone my size. The general recommendation is 1g/kg for an average adult and for athletes it is 1.3-1.6g/kg. After 1.6g/kg, they do not have any significant results.
Another thing I keep hearing is that plant protein is lesser quality. But DIAAS are based on pig intestines and uncooked plants. So maybe the cooking process might increase the absorption.
Now, my goals are not to look big or jacked. I want to look lean and toned, so I maybe wrong about this thing. With the risk of sounding like a conspiracy guy, I somehow feel the protein recommendations are influenced by supplement companies. Am I wrong?
I guess I feel compelled to write this because I see worrying amount of Indian fitness influencers encouraging Indians to eat more meat because India is protein deficient. It might be true because a significant portion of Indians are still impoverished. But I'm not sure if that is the case for well-off people.
Please educate me about this. I want to learn more and make sure I have a nutritious diet.

iirc sam sulek is a meche senior in college. I’m so curious to see how his videos will pan out, and what his career will look like looking forward. Looking at his YouTube stats, he is easily able to make more as a YouTuber than any mechanical engineer might (if he monetizes correctly). My prediction is that he will just be working a full time job and still do YT as a side gig. However, his YouTube career and college degree has opened so many doors, so I’m also thinking he might just pivot into bodybuilding full time while also making YouTube vids. The weird paradox is that being a college student helps leverage his career by giving him a greater sense of relatability and schedule flexibility to make videos, but the college degree itself is not worth much in terms of his YouTube career.

Edit: It's damn it Caroline. And also damn autocorrect for correcting it again, after I corrected it.
I was perfectly happy to do iron on YouTube and repeting it over and over and over by making it my own.
And I do mean making it my own: - work out every other day - skip full body - 3 weeks full blast to failure every time - then a light week, 2x full body with app. 60% of the weights of other weeks. Repeat, repeat repeat.
And then intent drops. Just alternating lower and upper body. Ok, no worries. It starts and it's described as "iron on steroids". Ok, intrigued, but, maby still not. It's just the start of it. Looking at the days as they drop. Ok, damn it, will take out a credit card and get the full year.
It's like tailored to give me exactly what I want. I'll probably still need a light week every 3rd week, but I'll just do a lighter full body from iron x2 for it. I know my body, and the is no way I'll be able to go full throttle without giving myself "a brake" every now and then.
The only downside I've seen, is that some people have been discouraged by her increased weights. But as someone who used to train with powerlifters and bodybuilders, without being neither, I don't mind. It's me vs me, regardless what anyone else is doing. A middle aged mom working out for fun vs a professional, yeah, I'm not gonna compare weights.
I really was happy with iron on YouTube. I really was.

I’ve waited years to post this, because it’s just too hot. 9 long years and the whole sub wants me dead. MGSVTPP has incredibly excellently well-crafted mechanics, feel, controls, handling, animation, enemy patterns, systems programming, maneuvers, stealth action, and mostly great level design. BUT Let’s get started on this terrible tedious opening sequence. The spatial and tactical nonsense is a poop-deluge. And where it’s ridiculous, it’s not ridiculous in the good weird interesting characteristic way of the past like MGS1 (for example), it’s sloppy.
(And no I don’t want to hear about “it’s bad on purpose…the PHANTOM PAIN is about missing a better planned and better designed intro chapter!” or “the assassins were just faking it”. Instead of that we can just watch HBOMBERGUY’s YouTube video on the topic of BBC Sherlock and idiotic fan rationalizations.)

• Time is of the essence because a military force of vicious killers are assassinating dozens of people and is converging on hospital to kill hero(es) who are unarmed and unequipped. Yet Ishmael stands there waiting for 5 minutes while Venom crawls slower than an injured snail after thanksgiving dinner. Why doesn’t he put him in a fireman’s carry? Put him on his shoulder? Pull him. Toss him on a push-cart. Something.
• Huge fireball blast blows back Ishmael and Venom but they suffer no injuries or burns.
• Fire Man who is basically invincible to anything was stupidly under a water sprinkler and evaporates. That was convenient considering how he was about to murder the heroes. Then he reappears somehow anyway.
• Fire Man walks down hall toward his defenseless victims extremely slowly, seemingly doing nothing, while other times doing something to other people, apparently based on whether the director wants something to happen in the shot or not.
• Ishmael held his own against armed sniper (Quiet). He jumped and tackled her, and threw tin cans at her. Why doesn’t he jump out and grab the assassin who is grabbing ID card under bed?
• About throwing the little items and tin cans at Quiet, a vicious killer…why does a pitiful barrage of lightweight nic-nacs actually slow down Quiet?
• Why does Ishmael sit there collecting and throwing those lightweight nic-nacs?
• The vicious assassins throw smoke grenades, which has zero purpose other than to BLOCK THEIR OWN VIEW of their target. THEY WOULD LITERALLY SEE ISHMAEL AND V RIGHT THERE IN HALLWAY except they blinded themselves with smoke screen which everyone knows hinders your visibility. (Rule of cool = “gotta copy the smoke-grenades clinking down hall ominously” shot from movies. But it plays ridiculously here.)
• The killers have the targets 2 METERS IN FRONT OF THEM but can’t see them because of the smoke, while they pointlessly waste time murdering a random bystander and take forever to check his face/ID at an extremely leisurely pace.
• Ishmael tackles V to hide him behind the bed and the killer doesn’t see or hear this though it’s 5 feet away and involves suspicious thuds and thwomps.
• “I know what to do to escape vicious mass murderers! Let’s lock ourselves into a dead-end hallway that is so filled with people that we can’t move or see anything!”
• It’s not at at clear what you’re supposed to do when crawling under the curtains. Go into wrong stall…dead. Go into correct stall and evade first guy, then second guy sees you: dead.
• A 9mm round from a handgun somehow opens what looks like a maximum security prison jail door.
• Van gets shredded by a helicopter gunship. Hero AOK.
• Van smashes through a machine gun checkpoint of killer assassin soldiers. Hero AOK. (This can be fine, but when done well it should involve timing, spacing, shots, so that it’s less ridiculous.)
• A horseback chase shotgun fight like it’s RDR? Why is this in MGS?
• A string of copy-paste Lone Ranger rearing neighing horse shots.
• Why does that assassin guy have oxygen tank and mask on
  • Is he training for his Fire Fighter’s certification?
  • Why is he wearing shiny rubber fatigues like he stole it from the costume department of Battlestar Galactica 2004? Rubber coveralls in a Mediterranean climate?
  • Why can’t he see us under the bed
  • Why is he so slowly brutally killing people, like next to the bed
  • Why doesn’t he check face/ID of other person
  • Why can’t they hear the patients talking to us
  • His entire purpose is to kill a target yet even after slowly checking the ID of his murder victim, he doesn’t take a peek under bed to see who that victim was clearly audibly just talking to.
• Why dont any assassins hear when ishmael knocks over a bookcase
• “Anything?” ”Keep looking”...Assassin is coming toward door and should have seen Ishmael in bright light inside room, yet the cut scene cuts and the Assassin is not near door. (Some of these points are nonsensical action cliches, but other points like this one are just sloppily directed as if certain parts are outsourced.)
• They methodically shoot the bodies in hallway while you play dead with Ishmael. Two teams of killers converge on you, then GIVE THUMBS UP to each other, despite the fact that you and Ishmael have clearly not been shot and were CLEARLY JUST MOVING YOUR HEADS AROUND. (I repeat: no I don’t want to hear about how the assassins were faking it as their job to “convince” V, let’s instead watch HBOMBERGUY’S excellent video on BBC Sherlock and idiotic fan rationalizations.)
• Man on Fire lights an Assassin on fire and this unfortunate assassin tumbled through a window. Which is the exact same thing that happened to Quiet (female assassin) moments earlier. A silly cliche of “Burning Person Crashing Through Window” twice in a few minutes? (Another commenter on here, I forget who, once joked about they and their friend while playing were laughing over how people are just constantly throwing themselves out windows.)
• A high rate of fire chaingun seems to shoot at Man on Fire from helicopter. Yet the camera pan to helicopter doesn’t show a mounted cannon, just a mercenary with an LMG or SMG. It’s hard to tell, but that doesn’t seem to make sense.
• Man on Fire literally disappears when Ishmael shoots the sprinkler and gets him wet? After a corny foolish “OH NO!!! WHYYYYYYY!” close-up on Man on Fires face. Is he Man on Fire or is he Non-Corporeal Man? It feels like it was written by 3rd graders in the back of the bus. There are better ways to setup and execute a “last second sprinkler to save the heroes from a fire hazard” trope.
• Why does Man on Fire have to bend down and hunch over dramatically in order to absorb and shoot back bullets? It’s a corny rip-off of comic book (and comic book movie) poses.
• Thighs. Camera fixates on Man on Fire’s bulky thighs clearly made (or casted for motion cap) to be like an old fashioned thick wrestlebodybuilder physique, which very cheaply looks exactly like the motion cap actoanimation rig for the large Skull guys where the camera fixates on their thick thighs. Now someone like John Carpenter makes ultra-great use of limited budget, but you don’t blatantly use the same thigh fixation and same actobody and size-fixation shots for two completely different unrelated villains.
• Man on Fire is still moving and attacking after a tank shoots him with main cannon and also smashes into him, no problem. Yet Man on Fire is dispensed fully for a minute when Ishmael hits him with a puny medical van. Battle tank < medical van?
• A dead(?) body lands from long range on windshield of medical van? What are the chances of that? The body happened to go the fact right angle and distance? In the previous 10 minutes we’ve already seen about 25 versions of “Unfortunate person dies gruesome horrific death RIGHT IN YOUR FACE” in the preceding hour. If Man on Fire cogently threw the corpse at the moving van with such great accuracy, why was not hitting the heroes at any other point hardly?
• Helicopter machine gun shreds the medical van windshield....without harming you, even though you’re in the driver seat
• Mantis conjured a...flaming humpback whale to eat the helicopter? I would applaud something like this, but it doesn’t fit with the tone or action or scenes in the rest of this chapter.
• “Don’t take too long getting used to your new self.” Wow, is Ocelot’s goal to say weird revealing things and thereby ruin the entire body double thing? Is he lying up at night with a notebook thinking of double entrenches for unbeknownst body doubles? This line’s existence makes no sense. It’s just weird winky writing from Kojima, and not in the (previously) good weird funny way like MGS1.
• Awful cinematography by Kojima (and/or unsupervised outsourced interns) where a handheld camera is anxiously looking around for fire person on the ledge..yet neither Venom nor Ocelot saw or perceived the fire person. So the camera is subjectively taking the place of NOBODY in an exaggerated way.
• And we have to go through all of this first, as if the game is trying to impress us with this silly tedious badly composed junk, before we play the superbly designed actual game…which is immediately excellent as soon as the first desert mission begins and you’re allowed to play.

My dad made a big mistake because he met my mom on the phone and he was only 20 at the time and he was just mostly talking to her on the phone. Didn't really have very much. No physical contact with her and he decided to leave home a loving home and get married with her. She turned out to be a crazy. For example, I was a baby in her belly. I would punch the walls of the belly and slapping kick it just like any other babies and it made her angry so she decided to hit me back while I was in the womb and now as a result of that I have a deformed but functional finger and she's gone to crazy houses before and it's just been bad. I remember I went to preschool and I began fights because I saw mommy and Daddy fight I was kind of a messed up kid. Had a messed up past and one time when my mom was going crazy on my dad my Dad called the cops on her so what happened next was they got divorced from my dad decided not to get a lawyer which was a problem because we live in Utah. Therefore obviously my dad lost custody so unfortunately I I had to live with a woman that hit me in wall and after I was out of the womb it didn't stop she even psychologically damaged me and my brother. When I was in kindergarten my mom decided to try to get me diagnosed with autism because even before I was Born she had talked about me the child in her womb having it and because I was a messed up kid I eventually got diagnosed with it so now I didn't have protection only got to see my dad 4 times a month a kid with a deformity that my mom would always remind me about she would tell me I'm evil and fat she let me eat whatever I wanted and I was five for the purpose of making me fat and retarded now according to her. But every two weeks I get to visit my dad on the weekend and some of the best memories of my life were made with him during this time and it got even better two years later I got a wonderful step mom that I consider my real mother and I met the best animal ever my best friend in the world and I love him too this day and he loves me too. And I made the very best memories of my life with my dad step mom two brothers and cat. But there was also a lot of darkness during this time I got hit plenty got called weak told I would be sent to hell and I make my bio mom miserable I even got forced to wear a pink dress with no underwear by my evil grandpa just to hurt my feelings and self worth And it got worse or so I thought when my bio mom met my former step father who is a drug addict and drug dealer that spent the majority of his life in jail at this time I was 10 years old and this step father was abusive but I'd argue not even near the level of my bio mom or grandparents he scared me and my brothers and every two weeks at my dad's home on Saturday I couldn't sleep because I knew I would have to go back the next day but this series of events was actually a very good thing because the step dad actually broke into someone's home to steal drugs and went to prison for doing so so it gave my dad a chance to fight for custody of his kids so my dad and his wife my step mom spend a portion of there retirement to get me out of a bad home. And this made me very stressed because my mom interrogated me about this and scared me about this so eventually when I had to talk about the man reevaluating the situation I said I want to live with both parents because I was in fear of what might happen to me if I didn't do so. So my dad got half and half with my mom the abuse stopped for a little while but eventually it went back to normal I because suicidal. dad said he would fight for custody of me to protect me my dad is a great man. My step mom and dad spent there retirement of saving me. The court had me go to therapy and I learned how to somewhat cope with my situation or at least pretend to my dad eventually worn down by the situation became cold and didn't want to listen to me didn't seem to care about me took me out of therapy because he thought I was better now I had nobody I could talk to I felt alone. Eventually the court wanted me to go to a new therapist he seemed good at first But it was a trick to get my to accept him as a therapist but really this guy Dr. Tn is evil to the core and would psychologically harm me as badly as he could and because I was so stressed for the last year I had gotten horrible stomach issues being on the toilet for hours a day I wouldn't eat hardly anything including milk which I am mildly intolerant to which is a horrible combination when you are a 14 year old growing boy I grew so fast for 5'2 to 5'7.5 in only a few months and that was problematic because I grew but wasn't getting enough calcium so I devil a bone cyst like most kids that age it only happens to children btw but mine was too big because I didn't have the calcium so it didn't fill in enough to be strong but I didn't know this at the time. At this time I had heard enough of Dr t Ns threats and knew that he was mostly talking I reasoned so I felt better about life I had started exercising and had boxed for a year and wasn't getting bullied because I was more confident and actually talented at striking I loved to run do pushups and pullups. But one day at school I had armwrestled but with poor form and because of my fragile humorous my bon had slightly broken and I didn't know that all I knew is that I could flex my bicep and my arm was weak so I didn't worry too much a month later I began to worry I told my dad something was wrong and he didn't care at all he wasn't loving like he once was I imagine because he definitely had also gotten trauma and so he waited a few more months to take me into the doctor I was horrified the next thing I know I get an MRI scan laying in the tube for around 4 hours and then I learned I had they cyst tumor so I just got traumatized by that and my confidence faded so I let others push me around again call me fat stupid ECT one day in the summer between 8th and 9th grade before a checkup on my arm I tried to do a pushup like an idiot my arm broke and it was so incredibly painful I have had an appendix rupture and imagine the pain from the appendix times infinity not even in the same realm of pain and the fear i felt was immeasurable I went to talk to my step mom and all she was was annoyed. She said hey. I want to sleep in oh but my baby is sleeping. She didn't care about me at all. I'm over here suffering greater physical pain then I even thought possible and just wouldn't go away. Eventually after crying and crying and suffering she decided to finally take me to a hospital I was so afraid my Bone was broken I had lost hope in my life like I had many times before. There was something in me that still wanted to live though I considered suicide apparently I wanted to live because I did. My dad was mad at me because my arm got broke. He didn't have sympathy for me he was more annoyed than anything else I felt so alone. I asked my God why he wouldn't help me I resented my God so greatly for forsaking me I started having intrusive thoughts of me doing bad things me not being able to help it later on I learned that this OCD can be caused by a mental break and let me tell you I was broken but not to the point of no return. I still had to go to Dr.s office and the pain felt real again just because of how weak my mind had become from the suffering. I became afraid again of what my future might look like. That next year at school I got bullied and bullied because I was an easy target because I was essentially a cripple because I not only had to heal my bone but I also had to heal the whole inside of it which is not always possible around that time. My dad brought me to give my autism test reevaluated great timing right? Literally the scariest time of my life to do this. Before I had to go in I had a panic attack and I had to go to the bathroom considering my bad stomach and during when this was happening my dad got mad at me because I thought I was trying to avoid getting the test so he opened the door on me. Pulled me out and actually he let me back in. It made me feel horrible about about myself and the question his character .So I came back as is mildly autistic as it gets not bad considering the mental state I was in so I had to go into the special edd classes and then that caused more social isolation people automatically thinking certain things about me that are untrue everyone's ever got to know me. Understands. I am at least of average intelligence and I'm not even really a weird guy I started disrespecting that doctor so they sent me to a different one temporarily one that I'd gone to before. She told me she thought there was something horribly wrong with my genetics because my stomach issues. Later I found out these therapists aren't worth their salt. She had no reason to think that and when my life got better, which it did and is still getting better. My stomach calmed down it was the stress that really caused it. My arm eventually healed to the point where the X-ray showed. It was hard almost everywhere, except the absolute middle of the bone in the middle of the Bone was completely filled in that make me feel much better about life. The doctors told me to come in for physical therapy in 6 months which would have been the summer of my freshman year in high school. I was only about 15 at the time so considering this actually before this my arm was still feeling better and I had enough of being bullied and threatened. So this one kid that always came up to threaten me tried it and I was going to beat the s out of him and I told him so despite still not being in good health because he could tell that he was soft and I'm not. Even if I think I'm soft. I'm not soft otherwise. I wouldn't have made it this far into my life. He never threatened me again at the end of that year which is something that really damaged me psychologically and actually physically was. My dad never took me in into that physical therapy that I needed because my arm hadn't moved for a year so the shoulder tendons were practically gone in terms of function I couldn't even lift my arm up otherwise it would pop out of its socket I cried and told my dad because he refused to take me in. He didn't care at all. I think he had a slight psychological breakdown because I remember later that summer he told me I milked my arm being in great pain and I told him it's not over. I'm still not right. Please help me and then I got yelled at for that he was denying reality. He had been hurt too just as I had been hurt at least mentally. This school year was covid so I didn't have to go to school so I just did school online. This was good for me and bad for me at the same time but overall I think it was positive despite the social isolation because I had too many problems this school anyways I began to go crazy because my dad wouldn't help me with my arm and my other arm I used all the time. Eventually I even overworked it and it got a slight tear and the rotator cuff. My dad never checked it out for me and I was only a little kid. I couldn't check it out for myself. This is where my problems did my dad start This is where he hurt me indirectly I was now able to get my learner's permit and I got it eventually. I failed the first few times on the test because I didn't have anything to study off of. My study guide was my common sense. Once I got the book I half-ass read it and then I failed again. This time I decided to take it seriously so I really read it and then I passed without any issue My dad was taking me driving teaching me how to drive and I couldn't drive because of my shoulder issues. My dad still denied it and I remember one car ride distinctly driving back home. I asked Dad please take me to the doctor. I need help and he yelled at me and said why are you acting like? I'm doing something so terrible to you and I was so perplexed how could he not understand that this was horrible for me and I still to this day. Don't understand what he was thinking was he denying reality? Or did he understand it and didn't care? Eventually we visited family across the country and I spoke with my grandpa and I swear to God he saved me. He spoke with my dad and my dad, cared about what he said so he took me into the doctor for physical therapy. I got it and it was very possible. I'd never be the same again cuz I hadn't moved my arm for a year because it was broken and it's very possible if you don't move something for even a month you can never recover it. So I was so scared cuz this was more like 12 months. Not one month physical therapist told me to do the exercises twice a day. Little did I know This guy is a scam artist because I was making no progress and I actually over trained my shoulder. I didn't know what to do. I had no hope my dad still wouldn't talk to me about My pain wouldn't take me to anyone. My mom wouldn't talk to me about it. I had no one except my cat to talk to about these things so I'd pray to God every night because well my ptsd and all my pain I had actually become skinny. I thought I still thought I was fat. I was a skinny guy now because I was tired of being a fat kid. I had body dysmorphia where I would look in the mirror and I'd see a fat kid and I got mentally ill because my dad didn't take me to the physical therapist until a year and a month or two after he was advised to I downloaded tiktok and that just made things worse for my head. Made me feel like I was ugly. Watched all the stupid black pill stuff I didn't really have anyone to model myself after I just hurt so bad. I thought man. I wish I was taller. I wish I was handsome. I wish I was healthy cuz I had little hope for my shoulders and the Christmas of 2021 I was praying. I didn't have much Hope anything would come of it but I was wrong so wrong I was awake but I was almost asleep at the same time. God gave me a vision. I don't know which God, but I know I now know it was legitimate because most of what happened in the vision has happened in real life now and is going in the directions where the rest of it actually happens. He showed me as a handsome man a. Muscular and man a healthy man a loving man a smart man. A kind man. Someone who had his s*** together and confidence he showed me being really fast and strong. I'd always been into boxing. Couldn't do it forever. Made me very insecure. Made me crazy as if I wasn't that already. This is what's been giving me my hope and it's been well worth it. I wake up and I thank God oftentimes for This and all my other blessings. Eventually I found out not to use my torn shoulder as much and that made it significantly better. I learned from YouTube watching athletes and bodybuilders that you need to rest many days in between an intense workout. My left shoulder is pretty close to fully recovered. It turns out my face is actually pretty good. It looks similar to Nick Jonas or a up-and-coming boxer named Richard Torres Jr I look almost just like that guy. It's freaky and I have the same interests he reminds me of who God showed me in the vision except it's me and not in the vision over time I got through my ptsd but not completely. That's actually why I'm writing this right now because I'm still in the process and I just want to talk about it with the world so it turns out most of the things in the vision have come to pass or I don't know about most but a large portion of it I question it's legitimacy often but less and less often as time goes on and I get closer to it being a reality. That's so many things wrong with my body and my mind that I've gotten better or even gone away but I want to continue writing about my story in life. So after that I had a new outlook on life I decided I want to love myself And fix my relationship with my family and become the wiser man and kinder more patient man God showed me In the eyes of everyone around me nothing had changed, but in my eyes I wasn't even looking at the same world. I'd still have the body dysmorphia to this day I have it but I don't let it bother me too much so now since my parents have had enough of my problems. They decided they think there is something wrong with my brain and that's where this is going to go into play about my driving they say there was nothing wrong with my shoulder even though I could only dumbbell press 20 lb and when I was 13 I could do 45 lb 10 times In a row for Three sets and at this point of 17 and could only do 20 lb for three sets of 10 In pain couldn't go to sleep at night. Still depressed had bad intrusive thoughts, bad dreams etc. But I kept going because I had hope hope and was right to have hope because good things have come and continue to come so I needed to take off driving and I refuse to drive because of the great pain. It was causing my shoulders. What made this problem worse is my driving instructor would purposely turn the wheel as hard as she could for no reason even when we were stationary and told me to hold on despite knowing I had a torn rotator cuff so I had to quit for a while and she taught me how to drive wrong. Taught me how to hold the steering wheel wrong. Many different things. So my parents blamed autism for me having to quit driving for a little while and then I went back driving. I was healed a little bit by the time I got back and then when she turned the wheel it wouldn't hurt and everything was significantly easier but when I had to take the test I got norovirus and couldn't take it because I was contagious and that disease can be deadly especially to the elderly and young. And this was an elderly lady so I couldn't drive my parents still this against me despite knowing all the details. I don't know if they can't accept it or what but they like to blame it on other things. So a few months later shoulder is even healthier. My dad takes me out driving again and even begins to an extent to let me talk to him about my hurt and even talks to me about his hurt we've come closer because of that vision that I got because I learned to be kinder to others and more respectful. So things got easier but while my dad got me driving again he had me drive the correct way which was the way he does it and I was not comfortable not driving in a parking lot but he told me to get out of it anyways and drive on main Street I almost crashed and he blamed it on autism not the fact that driving that way is foreign to me now and to this day I still don't have my license but I will likely get it soon. Now that I'm an adult I have more control over my life My dad didn't listen to reason of why I couldn't drive well that day or miss my driving test. That's all I had to do. I finish driver's ed everything and I couldn't take it because I had norovirus maybe that was a way of God protecting me from bad driving. Maybe if I didn't get it I would have died. I don't know hell that same teacher got fired later that next year because of her not being qualified so during this time . I'm now 18 and I've discovered bodybuilding principles which is what I need to rehab my shoulder. So I went from 33 lb dumbbell press gained in 2 years to 70 lb dumbbell press in less than a year. Now I can do push-ups and even dead hangs which would have been impossible years prior All my faith, confidence and hope come from God and that's a good guy for it to come from my view on life comes from him too here I am about 19 years old. Good relationship with two of my three brothers and I love my family. I've had a interesting life at least in my opinion so far lately. It's been going very good besides my cat died but I pray to God and Jesus for another chance at petting and kissing him because I didn't know the day he died was the day he was going to die. I didn't pet him or kiss him the way I should have. In fact, I didn't kiss him that day at all. I thought he was just going to be fine but then he died and I had horrible nightmares about him hating me and decrepit version of my cat it reminds me of nightmares I had when I was 18 of where I'd wake up. Wouldn't be able to move there'd be at a tall dark Shadow monster telling me horrible things and my dad would sleep beside me one night and that made me think he's fine. So why am I not fine and it made me braver. I had those dreams and instead of fear more than anything I felt anger toward the tall figure. I had fear and anger and eventually it stopped happening the nightmares went away. Even my other PTSD nightmares went away. I learned how to filter negative thoughts. The intrusive thoughts of bad things happening me doing bad things that I'd never do. I learned how to cope with it and now now they rarely come and it's not an issue anymore because God helped me understand who I am and where I am and what I am I am someone that's going to achieve more than anyone around me thought possible and it's not because I'm great. It's because my God gave me the strength to keep moving forward. It's because he's great, not me. So those nightmares about my cat reminded me greatly of the tall figures so one day when I was just feeling bad I hear about bad things happening to other people I know and don't know. It makes me depressed to hear about those things. I pray to God and even Jesus Jesus. I don't pray too very often at all. Haven't done in years to help me not go crazy overthinking about all the bad things in the world cuz there are people of who have gone through much harder things than I have and I know for a fact I couldn't go through it and it makes me think about my cat. Makes me cry. Makes me think my cat hates me and I ask Jesus God to tell my God I love him and let him know I love him and I ask them if he loves me and that very night. That was a only a week or two ago i dream when my cat visited me and instead of hating me because I didn't kiss him or pet him enough or I even pissed him off by playing with him. And I annoyed him because I touched his face too much you know they hit him with a toy or a hand and then he goes to grab. It pretends like he's a little Hunter pissed him off doing that one time and it made me feel horrible. I thought he'd hate me for that. He loved me and he didn't even seemed to know why I was upset. He didn't know there was any beef and he just let me pet and kiss him. I got my second chance because God gave him him authority to go on my dream and see me I asked God to tell my cat. I love him. He didn't do that for me for what I'm aware of. He gave me the option to do it myself and he gave my cat the option to tell me that he loves me I've woken up to while being in a fever dream random scripture chapters and I saw one from Psalms and I forgot what one it was but it was essentially I let you feel pain but I'd never let you be destroyed and I am here for you you have won from God in that book. I don't know what to feel about certain areas of my life like my dad has threatened to try and make it so I can't get a driving license because of my autism diagnosis and him not helping with getting me PT for my shoulder tendons anywhere near when he should have money wasn't particularly tight at the time. I feel as though my dad has gotten another chance to make it right about my arm because I got and injury from basketball and all he needed to do was take me into the doctor and get me in a splint for a moiand I would be fine and he refused and unfortunately I don't have access to a job because I can't drive and where I live is to far away from anywhere hiring and I have applied everywhere anyway I try to not hold against my dad because he knows not what he does and I think it was a test because this thing isn't very severe. It just won't heal on its own and I'm not in great pain or anything. Really? The only trouble is I've lost some mobility so I can't play guitar and I'm a greater risk for an actual bad injury and it would be so easy for him just to take me in in and give me a splint. I'll need to wear it for about 4 weeks. Maybe six at worst. And now I remember I was a few years ago in pain. Almost everywhere in my body. Really really weak hurting inside my soul and now I have a substantial amount of confidence. Not really in great pain anywhere. I'm recovering nicely. I Will be fully recovered physically which is a miracle but miracles happen if a certain someone likes you My dad said something really stupid today. He said I will never be stronger than him or any his other boys he said he could lift more of the shoulders in me which is true at the moment considering I have some issues so I challenged him to see who could do more risk curls, I did 66 reps just in a row. All clean full range of motion with 35 lb. And I trained for him yesterday so I'm already beat and my dad saw that and he decided he couldn't do that so he just bounces his arm up and down on his leg and then said that I'm a sore loser and he's disappointed in me and embarrassed. What a joke. He said he raised me well before but my mentor was not him. He didn't care for all that time over my physical pain but someone else did he didn't care about my emotional pain at a point in time but someone else did He's done a lot for me but he's not the one who raised me well someone else healed me but my dad has done alot of wonderful things for me I just don't know how to feel about how he's neglected me and even swore me and call me names when I was hurting for no good reason and I just asked for medical help. Call me names like pathetic but he has a very good heart. I just don't know what makes him behave this way towards me and I'm really The scapegoat in most social circles cuz they saw me at my lowest and they don't want to look beyond that. I can get out of bed in the morning without wanting to kill myself to anyone that has done that themselves. That's a hell of an achievement. My mom told me all my physical pain is my head even though there is physical proof of it. Things being wrong with me although there isn't much wrong with me anymore. She told me it's because my brain is messed up and she told me I'm probably not very coordinated. So I challenge that notion. I can now juggle five balls and even no advance three and four ball tricks only took a few months to get there. I'm very good jump rope a very good sense of balance. When I was a boy I could skateboard only 8 years old and I could do a 360 flip I'd always land with only one foot on though I was scared. What would happen if I landed both and then it fell over on my head. The strangest thing happened to me a few months ago. I found this boxer that looks incredibly similar to me in terms of body type and face and hair and even voice and he's so different from me. His upbringing is completely different. Obviously he's ahead in life on me but I've hated my face. The only time I've done it is when I had that vision. This guy Richard Torres jr clearly loves his face. Very confident in his body just all around confident and successful. Seaming person and he's so similar to me and all these attributes like he's very very fast. I was very very fast when I was healthy. I was a very, very strong boy. This guy's a very very strong man. It's so strange. It's so strange. It makes me think. Could I be confident like him? I'm so similar to him even in a lot of personality, similarities, physical similarities and interest. I know you wouldn't know that I was similar to this guy in terms of personality, but I'm just speaking my heart out. This isn't how I usually think how in the world I've actually transitioned from a sour and hurt person to a positive, kind, happy, loving person and very polite to everybody around me including strangers and it takes a lot to upset me compared to what it wants took. So I wonder if I could be like this guy. This guy's so confident in himself I question myself because so many of the things I hated about me. This guy loves about himself like face body type broad shoulders not very tall now I love my broad shoulders but I didn't always. I wonder if I could love myself like he loves himself. I posted this because I needed to get it out. This is a summary with an incredibly large amount of information left out. A lot of good stuff left out and a lot of bad stuff left out more good things left out than bad though I think. I don't know what you guys think about my life. This is my life story so far. I hope life keeps getting better as it has. Maybe once I finally get a job car and heal physically and mentally maybe I could achieve great things and still be a good person at the end of the day. What you guys think of my situation in life? If you were at this far I really really appreciate you

My dad made a big mistake because he met my mom on the phone and he was only 20 at the time and he was just mostly talking to her on the phone. Didn't really have very much. No physical contact with her and he decided to leave home a loving home and get married with her. She turned out to be a crazy. For example, I was a baby in her belly. I would punch the walls of the belly and slapping kick it just like any other babies and it made her angry so she decided to hit me back while I was in the womb and now as a result of that I have a deformed but functional finger and she's gone to crazy houses before and it's just been bad. I remember I went to preschool and I began fights because I saw mommy and Daddy fight I was kind of a messed up kid. Had a messed up past and one time when my mom was going crazy on my dad my Dad called the cops on her so what happened next was they got divorced from my dad decided not to get a lawyer which was a problem because we live in Utah. Therefore obviously my dad lost custody so unfortunately I I had to live with a woman that hit me in wall and after I was out of the womb it didn't stop she even psychologically damaged me and my brother. When I was in kindergarten my mom decided to try to get me diagnosed with autism because even before I was Born she had talked about me the child in her womb having it and because I was a messed up kid I eventually got diagnosed with it so now I didn't have protection only got to see my dad 4 times a month a kid with a deformity that my mom would always remind me about she would tell me I'm evil and fat she let me eat whatever I wanted and I was five for the purpose of making me fat and retarded now according to her. But every two weeks I get to visit my dad on the weekend and some of the best memories of my life were made with him during this time and it got even better two years later I got a wonderful step mom that I consider my real mother and I met the best animal ever my best friend in the world and I love him too this day and he loves me too. And I made the very best memories of my life with my dad step mom two brothers and cat. But there was also a lot of darkness during this time I got hit plenty got called weak told I would be sent to hell and I make my bio mom miserable I even got forced to wear a pink dress with no underwear by my evil grandpa just to hurt my feelings and self worth And it got worse or so I thought when my bio mom met my former step father who is a drug addict and drug dealer that spent the majority of his life in jail at this time I was 10 years old and this step father was abusive but I'd argue not even near the level of my bio mom or grandparents he scared me and my brothers and every two weeks at my dad's home on Saturday I couldn't sleep because I knew I would have to go back the next day but this series of events was actually a very good thing because the step dad actually broke into someone's home to steal drugs and went to prison for doing so so it gave my dad a chance to fight for custody of his kids so my dad and his wife my step mom spend a portion of there retirement to get me out of a bad home. And this made me very stressed because my mom interrogated me about this and scared me about this so eventually when I had to talk about the man reevaluating the situation I said I want to live with both parents because I was in fear of what might happen to me if I didn't do so. So my dad got half and half with my mom the abuse stopped for a little while but eventually it went back to normal I because suicidal. dad said he would fight for custody of me to protect me my dad is a great man. My step mom and dad spent there retirement of saving me. The court had me go to therapy and I learned how to somewhat cope with my situation or at least pretend to my dad eventually worn down by the situation became cold and didn't want to listen to me didn't seem to care about me took me out of therapy because he thought I was better now I had nobody I could talk to I felt alone. Eventually the court wanted me to go to a new therapist he seemed good at first But it was a trick to get my to accept him as a therapist but really this guy Dr. Tn is evil to the core and would psychologically harm me as badly as he could and because I was so stressed for the last year I had gotten horrible stomach issues being on the toilet for hours a day I wouldn't eat hardly anything including milk which I am mildly intolerant to which is a horrible combination when you are a 14 year old growing boy I grew so fast for 5'2 to 5'7.5 in only a few months and that was problematic because I grew but wasn't getting enough calcium so I devil a bone cyst like most kids that age it only happens to children btw but mine was too big because I didn't have the calcium so it didn't fill in enough to be strong but I didn't know this at the time. At this time I had heard enough of Dr t Ns threats and knew that he was mostly talking I reasoned so I felt better about life I had started exercising and had boxed for a year and wasn't getting bullied because I was more confident and actually talented at striking I loved to run do pushups and pullups. But one day at school I had armwrestled but with poor form and because of my fragile humorous my bon had slightly broken and I didn't know that all I knew is that I could flex my bicep and my arm was weak so I didn't worry too much a month later I began to worry I told my dad something was wrong and he didn't care at all he wasn't loving like he once was I imagine because he definitely had also gotten trauma and so he waited a few more months to take me into the doctor I was horrified the next thing I know I get an MRI scan laying in the tube for around 4 hours and then I learned I had they cyst tumor so I just got traumatized by that and my confidence faded so I let others push me around again call me fat stupid ECT one day in the summer between 8th and 9th grade before a checkup on my arm I tried to do a pushup like an idiot my arm broke and it was so incredibly painful I have had an appendix rupture and imagine the pain from the appendix times infinity not even in the same realm of pain and the fear i felt was immeasurable I went to talk to my step mom and all she was was annoyed. She said hey. I want to sleep in oh but my baby is sleeping. She didn't care about me at all. I'm over here suffering greater physical pain then I even thought possible and just wouldn't go away. Eventually after crying and crying and suffering she decided to finally take me to a hospital I was so afraid my Bone was broken I had lost hope in my life like I had many times before. There was something in me that still wanted to live though I considered suicide apparently I wanted to live because I did. My dad was mad at me because my arm got broke. He didn't have sympathy for me he was more annoyed than anything else I felt so alone. I asked my God why he wouldn't help me I resented my God so greatly for forsaking me I started having intrusive thoughts of me doing bad things me not being able to help it later on I learned that this OCD can be caused by a mental break and let me tell you I was broken but not to the point of no return. I still had to go to Dr.s office and the pain felt real again just because of how weak my mind had become from the suffering. I became afraid again of what my future might look like. That next year at school I got bullied and bullied because I was an easy target because I was essentially a cripple because I not only had to heal my bone but I also had to heal the whole inside of it which is not always possible around that time. My dad brought me to give my autism test reevaluated great timing right? Literally the scariest time of my life to do this. Before I had to go in I had a panic attack and I had to go to the bathroom considering my bad stomach and during when this was happening my dad got mad at me because I thought I was trying to avoid getting the test so he opened the door on me. Pulled me out and actually he let me back in. It made me feel horrible about about myself and the question his character .So I came back as is mildly autistic as it gets not bad considering the mental state I was in so I had to go into the special edd classes and then that caused more social isolation people automatically thinking certain things about me that are untrue everyone's ever got to know me. Understands. I am at least of average intelligence and I'm not even really a weird guy I started disrespecting that doctor so they sent me to a different one temporarily one that I'd gone to before. She told me she thought there was something horribly wrong with my genetics because my stomach issues. Later I found out these therapists aren't worth their salt. She had no reason to think that and when my life got better, which it did and is still getting better. My stomach calmed down it was the stress that really caused it. My arm eventually healed to the point where the X-ray showed. It was hard almost everywhere, except the absolute middle of the bone in the middle of the Bone was completely filled in that make me feel much better about life. The doctors told me to come in for physical therapy in 6 months which would have been the summer of my freshman year in high school. I was only about 15 at the time so considering this actually before this my arm was still feeling better and I had enough of being bullied and threatened. So this one kid that always came up to threaten me tried it and I was going to beat the s out of him and I told him so despite still not being in good health because he could tell that he was soft and I'm not. Even if I think I'm soft. I'm not soft otherwise. I wouldn't have made it this far into my life. He never threatened me again at the end of that year which is something that really damaged me psychologically and actually physically was. My dad never took me in into that physical therapy that I needed because my arm hadn't moved for a year so the shoulder tendons were practically gone in terms of function I couldn't even lift my arm up otherwise it would pop out of its socket I cried and told my dad because he refused to take me in. He didn't care at all. I think he had a slight psychological breakdown because I remember later that summer he told me I milked my arm being in great pain and I told him it's not over. I'm still not right. Please help me and then I got yelled at for that he was denying reality. He had been hurt too just as I had been hurt at least mentally. This school year was covid so I didn't have to go to school so I just did school online. This was good for me and bad for me at the same time but overall I think it was positive despite the social isolation because I had too many problems this school anyways I began to go crazy because my dad wouldn't help me with my arm and my other arm I used all the time. Eventually I even overworked it and it got a slight tear and the rotator cuff. My dad never checked it out for me and I was only a little kid. I couldn't check it out for myself. This is where my problems did my dad start This is where he hurt me indirectly I was now able to get my learner's permit and I got it eventually. I failed the first few times on the test because I didn't have anything to study off of. My study guide was my common sense. Once I got the book I half-ass read it and then I failed again. This time I decided to take it seriously so I really read it and then I passed without any issue My dad was taking me driving teaching me how to drive and I couldn't drive because of my shoulder issues. My dad still denied it and I remember one car ride distinctly driving back home. I asked Dad please take me to the doctor. I need help and he yelled at me and said why are you acting like? I'm doing something so terrible to you and I was so perplexed how could he not understand that this was horrible for me and I still to this day. Don't understand what he was thinking was he denying reality? Or did he understand it and didn't care? Eventually we visited family across the country and I spoke with my grandpa and I swear to God he saved me. He spoke with my dad and my dad, cared about what he said so he took me into the doctor for physical therapy. I got it and it was very possible. I'd never be the same again cuz I hadn't moved my arm for a year because it was broken and it's very possible if you don't move something for even a month you can never recover it. So I was so scared cuz this was more like 12 months. Not one month physical therapist told me to do the exercises twice a day. Little did I know This guy is a scam artist because I was making no progress and I actually over trained my shoulder. I didn't know what to do. I had no hope my dad still wouldn't talk to me about My pain wouldn't take me to anyone. My mom wouldn't talk to me about it. I had no one except my cat to talk to about these things so I'd pray to God every night because well my ptsd and all my pain I had actually become skinny. I thought I still thought I was fat. I was a skinny guy now because I was tired of being a fat kid. I had body dysmorphia where I would look in the mirror and I'd see a fat kid and I got mentally ill because my dad didn't take me to the physical therapist until a year and a month or two after he was advised to I downloaded tiktok and that just made things worse for my head. Made me feel like I was ugly. Watched all the stupid black pill stuff I didn't really have anyone to model myself after I just hurt so bad. I thought man. I wish I was taller. I wish I was handsome. I wish I was healthy cuz I had little hope for my shoulders and the Christmas of 2021 I was praying. I didn't have much Hope anything would come of it but I was wrong so wrong I was awake but I was almost asleep at the same time. God gave me a vision. I don't know which God, but I know I now know it was legitimate because most of what happened in the vision has happened in real life now and is going in the directions where the rest of it actually happens. He showed me as a handsome man a. Muscular and man a healthy man a loving man a smart man. A kind man. Someone who had his s*** together and confidence he showed me being really fast and strong. I'd always been into boxing. Couldn't do it forever. Made me very insecure. Made me crazy as if I wasn't that already. This is what's been giving me my hope and it's been well worth it. I wake up and I thank God oftentimes for This and all my other blessings. Eventually I found out not to use my torn shoulder as much and that made it significantly better. I learned from YouTube watching athletes and bodybuilders that you need to rest many days in between an intense workout. My left shoulder is pretty close to fully recovered. It turns out my face is actually pretty good. It looks similar to Nick Jonas or a up-and-coming boxer named Richard Torres Jr I look almost just like that guy. It's freaky and I have the same interests he reminds me of who God showed me in the vision except it's me and not in the vision over time I got through my ptsd but not completely. That's actually why I'm writing this right now because I'm still in the process and I just want to talk about it with the world so it turns out most of the things in the vision have come to pass or I don't know about most but a large portion of it I question it's legitimacy often but less and less often as time goes on and I get closer to it being a reality. That's so many things wrong with my body and my mind that I've gotten better or even gone away but I want to continue writing about my story in life. So after that I had a new outlook on life I decided I want to love myself And fix my relationship with my family and become the wiser man and kinder more patient man God showed me In the eyes of everyone around me nothing had changed, but in my eyes I wasn't even looking at the same world. I'd still have the body dysmorphia to this day I have it but I don't let it bother me too much so now since my parents have had enough of my problems. They decided they think there is something wrong with my brain and that's where this is going to go into play about my driving they say there was nothing wrong with my shoulder even though I could only dumbbell press 20 lb and when I was 13 I could do 45 lb 10 times In a row for Three sets and at this point of 17 and could only do 20 lb for three sets of 10 In pain couldn't go to sleep at night. Still depressed had bad intrusive thoughts, bad dreams etc. But I kept going because I had hope hope and was right to have hope because good things have come and continue to come so I needed to take off driving and I refuse to drive because of the great pain. It was causing my shoulders. What made this problem worse is my driving instructor would purposely turn the wheel as hard as she could for no reason even when we were stationary and told me to hold on despite knowing I had a torn rotator cuff so I had to quit for a while and she taught me how to drive wrong. Taught me how to hold the steering wheel wrong. Many different things. So my parents blamed autism for me having to quit driving for a little while and then I went back driving. I was healed a little bit by the time I got back and then when she turned the wheel it wouldn't hurt and everything was significantly easier but when I had to take the test I got norovirus and couldn't take it because I was contagious and that disease can be deadly especially to the elderly and young. And this was an elderly lady so I couldn't drive my parents still this against me despite knowing all the details. I don't know if they can't accept it or what but they like to blame it on other things. So a few months later shoulder is even healthier. My dad takes me out driving again and even begins to an extent to let me talk to him about my hurt and even talks to me about his hurt we've come closer because of that vision that I got because I learned to be kinder to others and more respectful. So things got easier but while my dad got me driving again he had me drive the correct way which was the way he does it and I was not comfortable not driving in a parking lot but he told me to get out of it anyways and drive on main Street I almost crashed and he blamed it on autism not the fact that driving that way is foreign to me now and to this day I still don't have my license but I will likely get it soon. Now that I'm an adult I have more control over my life My dad didn't listen to reason of why I couldn't drive well that day or miss my driving test. That's all I had to do. I finish driver's ed everything and I couldn't take it because I had norovirus maybe that was a way of God protecting me from bad driving. Maybe if I didn't get it I would have died. I don't know hell that same teacher got fired later that next year because of her not being qualified so during this time . I'm now 18 and I've discovered bodybuilding principles which is what I need to rehab my shoulder. So I went from 33 lb dumbbell press gained in 2 years to 70 lb dumbbell press in less than a year. Now I can do push-ups and even dead hangs which would have been impossible years prior All my faith, confidence and hope come from God and that's a good guy for it to come from my view on life comes from him too here I am about 19 years old. Good relationship with two of my three brothers and I love my family. I've had a interesting life at least in my opinion so far lately. It's been going very good besides my cat died but I pray to God and Jesus for another chance at petting and kissing him because I didn't know the day he died was the day he was going to die. I didn't pet him or kiss him the way I should have. In fact, I didn't kiss him that day at all. I thought he was just going to be fine but then he died and I had horrible nightmares about him hating me and decrepit version of my cat it reminds me of nightmares I had when I was 18 of where I'd wake up. Wouldn't be able to move there'd be at a tall dark Shadow monster telling me horrible things and my dad would sleep beside me one night and that made me think he's fine. So why am I not fine and it made me braver. I had those dreams and instead of fear more than anything I felt anger toward the tall figure. I had fear and anger and eventually it stopped happening the nightmares went away. Even my other PTSD nightmares went away. I learned how to filter negative thoughts. The intrusive thoughts of bad things happening me doing bad things that I'd never do. I learned how to cope with it and now now they rarely come and it's not an issue anymore because God helped me understand who I am and where I am and what I am I am someone that's going to achieve more than anyone around me thought possible and it's not because I'm great. It's because my God gave me the strength to keep moving forward. It's because he's great, not me. So those nightmares about my cat reminded me greatly of the tall figures so one day when I was just feeling bad I hear about bad things happening to other people I know and don't know. It makes me depressed to hear about those things. I pray to God and even Jesus Jesus. I don't pray too very often at all. Haven't done in years to help me not go crazy overthinking about all the bad things in the world cuz there are people of who have gone through much harder things than I have and I know for a fact I couldn't go through it and it makes me think about my cat. Makes me cry. Makes me think my cat hates me and I ask Jesus God to tell my God I love him and let him know I love him and I ask them if he loves me and that very night. That was a only a week or two ago i dream when my cat visited me and instead of hating me because I didn't kiss him or pet him enough or I even pissed him off by playing with him. And I annoyed him because I touched his face too much you know they hit him with a toy or a hand and then he goes to grab. It pretends like he's a little Hunter pissed him off doing that one time and it made me feel horrible. I thought he'd hate me for that. He loved me and he didn't even seemed to know why I was upset. He didn't know there was any beef and he just let me pet and kiss him. I got my second chance because God gave him him authority to go on my dream and see me I asked God to tell my cat. I love him. He didn't do that for me for what I'm aware of. He gave me the option to do it myself and he gave my cat the option to tell me that he loves me I've woken up to while being in a fever dream random scripture chapters and I saw one from Psalms and I forgot what one it was but it was essentially I let you feel pain but I'd never let you be destroyed and I am here for you you have won from God in that book. I don't know what to feel about certain areas of my life like my dad has threatened to try and make it so I can't get a driving license because of my autism diagnosis and him not helping with getting me PT for my shoulder tendons anywhere near when he should have money wasn't particularly tight at the time. I feel as though my dad has gotten another chance to make it right about my arm because I got and injury from basketball and all he needed to do was take me into the doctor and get me in a splint for a moiand I would be fine and he refused and unfortunately I don't have access to a job because I can't drive and where I live is to far away from anywhere hiring and I have applied everywhere anyway I try to not hold against my dad because he knows not what he does and I think it was a test because this thing isn't very severe. It just won't heal on its own and I'm not in great pain or anything. Really? The only trouble is I've lost some mobility so I can't play guitar and I'm a greater risk for an actual bad injury and it would be so easy for him just to take me in in and give me a splint. I'll need to wear it for about 4 weeks. Maybe six at worst. And now I remember I was a few years ago in pain. Almost everywhere in my body. Really really weak hurting inside my soul and now I have a substantial amount of confidence. Not really in great pain anywhere. I'm recovering nicely. I Will be fully recovered physically which is a miracle but miracles happen if a certain someone likes you My dad said something really stupid today. He said I will never be stronger than him or any his other boys he said he could lift more of the shoulders in me which is true at the moment considering I have some issues so I challenged him to see who could do more risk curls, I did 66 reps just in a row. All clean full range of motion with 35 lb. And I trained for him yesterday so I'm already beat and my dad saw that and he decided he couldn't do that so he just bounces his arm up and down on his leg and then said that I'm a sore loser and he's disappointed in me and embarrassed. What a joke. He said he raised me well before but my mentor was not him. He didn't care for all that time over my physical pain but someone else did he didn't care about my emotional pain at a point in time but someone else did He's done a lot for me but he's not the one who raised me well someone else healed me but my dad has done alot of wonderful things for me I just don't know how to feel about how he's neglected me and even swore me and call me names when I was hurting for no good reason and I just asked for medical help. Call me names like pathetic but he has a very good heart. I just don't know what makes him behave this way towards me and I'm really The scapegoat in most social circles cuz they saw me at my lowest and they don't want to look beyond that. I can get out of bed in the morning without wanting to kill myself to anyone that has done that themselves. That's a hell of an achievement. My mom told me all my physical pain is my head even though there is physical proof of it. Things being wrong with me although there isn't much wrong with me anymore. She told me it's because my brain is messed up and she told me I'm probably not very coordinated. So I challenge that notion. I can now juggle five balls and even no advance three and four ball tricks only took a few months to get there. I'm very good jump rope a very good sense of balance. When I was a boy I could skateboard only 8 years old and I could do a 360 flip I'd always land with only one foot on though I was scared. What would happen if I landed both and then it fell over on my head. The strangest thing happened to me a few months ago. I found this boxer that looks incredibly similar to me in terms of body type and face and hair and even voice and he's so different from me. His upbringing is completely different. Obviously he's ahead in life on me but I've hated my face. The only time I've done it is when I had that vision. This guy Richard Torres jr clearly loves his face. Very confident in his body just all around confident and successful. Seaming person and he's so similar to me and all these attributes like he's very very fast. I was very very fast when I was healthy. I was a very, very strong boy. This guy's a very very strong man. It's so strange. It's so strange. It makes me think. Could I be confident like him? I'm so similar to him even in a lot of personality, similarities, physical similarities and interest. I know you wouldn't know that I was similar to this guy in terms of personality, but I'm just speaking my heart out. This isn't how I usually think how in the world I've actually transitioned from a sour and hurt person to a positive, kind, happy, loving person and very polite to everybody around me including strangers and it takes a lot to upset me compared to what it wants took. So I wonder if I could be like this guy. This guy's so confident in himself I question myself because so many of the things I hated about me. This guy loves about himself like face body type broad shoulders not very tall now I love my broad shoulders but I didn't always. I wonder if I could love myself like he loves himself. I posted this because I needed to get it out. This is a summary with an incredibly large amount of information left out. A lot of good stuff left out and a lot of bad stuff left out more good things left out than bad though I think. I don't know what you guys think about my life. This is my life story so far. I hope life keeps getting better as it has. Maybe once I finally get a job car and heal physically and mentally maybe I could achieve great things and still be a good person at the end of the day. What you guys think of my situation in life? If you were at this far I really really appreciate you

(Warning!: I don’t recommend searching fitness influencers.) I’ve been searching on YouTube’s Fitness Trending Page and I stumbled upon a bodybuilder influencer named “Sam Sulek.” He makes raw, unedited videos talking about motivation and fitness training, but I noticed he talks about more worldly topics rather than fitness-related topics. He also likes to cuss a lot, which I don’t like about his videos.
So, prior to now, I was thinking of doing the same thing as “Sam Sulek,” without the worldly topics and cussing. Here’s how I imagine it:
Car talks, walk/hike talks, dorm/bedroom talks, mainly about the Bible and Christian living/holiness, stories and shared testimonies/experiences. I’ll probably incorporate activities into the mix (gym, golf, football, cardiovascular fitness, etc.).
It’s basically a day in my life presented in an almost personal fashion.
I’m not sure how you feel about this but I would appreciate your feedback to help me understand if it’s right or wrong to pursue this as a Christian.
Thanks for reading.
Note: Please.. Please Provide The Word of God when responding.

(Warning!: I don’t recommend searching fitness influencers.) I’ve been searching on YouTube’s Fitness Trending Page and I stumbled upon a bodybuilder influencer named “Sam Sulek.” He makes raw, unedited videos talking about motivation and fitness training, but I noticed he talks about more worldly topics rather than fitness-related topics. He also likes to cuss a lot, which I don’t like about his videos.
So, prior to now, I was thinking of doing the same thing as “Sam Sulek,” without the worldly topics and cussing. Here’s how I imagine it:
Car talks, walk/hike talks, dorm/bedroom talks, mainly about the Bible and Christian living/holiness, stories and shared testimonies/experiences. I’ll probably incorporate activities into the mix (gym, golf, football, cardiovascular fitness, etc.).
It’s basically a day in my life presented in an almost personal fashion.
I’m not sure how you feel about this but I would appreciate your feedback to help me understand if it’s right or wrong to pursue this as a Christian.
Thanks for reading.
Note: Please.. Please Provide The Word of God when responding.