Hi all. Long-time BB sufferer here, having suffered for over 22 years (since 2002 at the age of 16 or 17). I am now turning 39 years old this later year.
Like many on here, I have explored countless routes to investigate the cause of my BB to try and cure it. I thought it came from my nose (post-nasal drip), my gut (acid reflux), allergies, and dry mouth. In the end, it was none of these things. Here are some things I had done while trying to cure my BB, based on what I thought were the causes:

• Sinuses/Allergies
  • Surgery: Nasal Polyp Removal
  • Surgery: Deviated Septum correction
  • Surgery: Nasal passage widening using balloon sinoplasty to widen nose and help breathe through nose
  • Nasal irrigation devices to wash sinus using baking soda/salt solution
  • Allergy Medications
  • Allergy Testing and Allergy Shots
• Gut
  • All Acid/PPI medications (omeprazole, pantaprozole, etc.)
  • Multiple stomach endoscopies
  • Silent Reflux (LPR) Test
  • Surgery: LINX implant - a titanium ring now permanently sits on my stomach/esophagus to prevent reflux.
  • Multiple H. Pylori Tests (negative of course)
• Dry Mouth
  • Tried dry mouth meds (salagen and evoxac)
  • Have spent thousands of dollars over the years on Dry Mouth lozenges from Biotene, ACT brand, etc.
  • Mouth covering tape to prevent mouth breathing
• Other Stuff
  • Antibiotics
  • Probiotic toothpaste
  • Essential oils
  • Chlorhexidine Mouthwash
  • Castille soap
  • Bleach and hydrogen peroxide
  • Several hundreds of dollars worth of oral probiotic lozenges found on Amazon
  • The list goes on. You name it, I've tried it.

Around last year, I came across an ad on social media for Bristle, for testing of the oral microbiome. The company said something that was really critical to my journey: that 90% of halitosis cases stem from the mouth and the oral microbiome. Because we BB sufferers are always so good with our oral hygeine regimens, it's natural for us to assume the cause is something else apart from the mouth, which is why we tend to investigate sinuses, gut issues, and so on. However, more likely than not, in over 9 out of 10 cases, it has to do with an imbalance of bacteria in the mouth.
I took the test, and discovered that I had really high levels of two or three halitosis-causing bacteria, that reside in the gum line: Fusobacterium Nucleatum, Prevotella Intermedia, and Tannerella Forsythia. In addition to this analysis, the Bristle team offered a treatment plan and recommended that I use SmartMouth Clinical Strength mouthwash for 2 weeks, and afterwards, repopulating with oral probiotics for several months, to try and change my oral microbiome over time. I tried using the SmartMouth mouthwash, and it helped somewhat for sure, but only temporarily. I knew that it was doing something, and ended up going off the deep end: spending hundreds of dollars more on SmartMouth mouthwash over the course of several months, because I became dependent on it to mask my BB enough for me to go out of the house.
After some further investigation, I came across a different oral microbiome test that was based out of Canada, called OraVital. Similar to Bristle, OraVital does a microbiome test via saliva, and comes back with results (which in my case, matched the same bacteria I had discovered in the Bristle test). However, additionally, they offer a 3 week antibiotic treatment plan (amoxicillin/metronidazole mouthwash and gum ointment), followed by chlorhexidine mouthwash. This was much stronger than what Bristle offered. I did the treatment, and it helped enormously when I was on it. However, sadly, the BB returned when I completed the antibiotic solutions. I was sad and defeated once again.
Next, I came across a third oral microbiome test, by a company called Viome, called the Oral Intelligence Test. This test does the saliva sample, but doesn't give you a list of the bacteria they find. However, they give you an oral probiotic lozenge that is supposed to be custom for you. I noticed the strength of the oral probiotic lozenge to be 30 billion CFU. This was a clue for me, because other probiotic lozenges that I came across online were only in the range of 3-6 billion CFU. The fact that this was 30 billion meant that more probiotic bacteria were needed to combat the problem.
I ended up taking the Viome oral probiotic lozenges for some time, but experienced only modest results. However, they did help somewhat with my morning breath when taken before bed. But the BB always came back.
Over the course of time, it dawned on me. This problem is more severe. It requires more effort to remove the bad bacteria, and more effort/strength to repopulate with good probiotic bacteria.
It was then that I had a revelation that made all the difference. Instead of relying on oral probiotic lozenges, with their relatively minimal strength, why not use extremely high doses? I resorted to trying probiotic powder instead of lozenges. The dosages in some of these powders was over 100 billion CFU per scoop.
The Bristle test indicated that the bad bacteria I have were sensitive to reuterin, which is produced by the probiotic L. Reuteri. I came across L. Reuteri powder on Amazon. Additionally, I came across L. Salivarius powder as well, which a probiotic that produces a compound called saliviricin that kills bad bacteria as well.

• L. Reuteri Powder: https://amzn.to/44LMcPx
• L. Salivarius Powder: https://amzn.to/3KnX64Z

I began taking these two powders in the mouth, mixed with a bit of water (only a little bit, so that they do not get diluted). I also use water because I feel like this helps the probiotics swish through the gum lines, which is where my bad bacteria resides. Within 1 week of doing this, multiple times a day, I noticed a massive improvement. I knew I was onto something, and something big. I continued to do this for a couple of weeks, and noticed my breath getting better and better over time. However, it was not completely eliminated. I figured it would just need to be something that I would use before I went out. However, I noticed the improvement to be getting progressively better after 3 weeks, and then 4.
One thing to note here is that, for the probiotic bacteria to have optimal effect, you need to clean your mouth and tongue before using them. I read in a scientific study that they found probiotics had a significantly higher benefit when used after tongue scraping/brushing. I use both a tongue brush and then a tongue scraper, before I do the probiotic rinse. I also do not eat or drink water for at least 30 min after rinsing.
Within weeks of doing this, I noticed the bad taste in my mouth was gone, when I tried to search for it. My perceived 'dry mouth' was gone, and my saliva flow had increased significantly. I always thought I had dry mouth, but I came across scientific articles online which suggested that the bad bacteria is what was actually causing that feeling. Bad bacteria change the pH of your mouth and cause that taste and feeling of dryness. They reduce salivary flow.
I was encouraged by the results, and I then started doing additional research. There were other healthy probiotic strains out there that were good for the oral microbiome and for combatting bad bacteria. One that I came across was Weissella Cibaria. This bacteria is naturally found in the mouth, and can colonize it. L. Reuteri and L. Salivarius, on the other hand, are just passing through the mouth and do not stay there. Therefore, they can help the oral microbiome by killing bad bacteria, but do not have a permanent residence there. If you don't have a solid presence of good bacteria in the mouth, the bad bacteria that is wiped out can grow back. This is what happens when we use antibiotics. Sure, they're able to kill off bad bacteria, but even the small remnants can multiply back rapidly if there are not enough good bacteria to outcompete it. To get Weissella Cibaria, I found an oral probiotic lozenge that has a patented form called OraCMU:

• Weissella Cibaria Lozenge: https://amzn.to/3UH6ULR

Additionally, Weissella Cibaria is also present in probiotic foods like Sauerkraut and Kimchi, but UNPASTEURIZED only (pasteurizing kills all beneficial bacteria). I switched my diet to high in soluble fiber and fermented foods on a DAILY basis. This includes apples, celery, carrots, sauerkraut, kimchi, and yogurt. I eat a big bowl of some of these foods mixed up, at least once a day, for lunch. I also incorporated fiber gummies to ensure I am getting the adequate amount of fiber the probiotics need to grow in the oral microbiome (they need a type of fiber called fructooligosaccharides to prosper and grow).
I have gotten really big into fermented foods. I am constantly on the hunt for fermented foods and will try to have them whenever and wherever I can, as much as I can. They're not the most appetizing, and can smell pretty bad, but they are working to permanently shift my oral microbiome over time. I even got a yogurt maker off Amazon and began making my OWN L. Reuteri yogurt using a starter culture, half and half, and fiber powder (inulin). This will help create a lasting effect to permanently alter my oral microbiome to prevent bad bacteria from ever coming back.
The role of probiotics in curing oral imbalance cannot be understated. I have read multiple studies relating to probiotic research regularly, which has only begun exploding in the scientific industry in recent years. This is a really exciting time. After years of very limited progress on fixing halitosis, it seems that probiotics is the solution to combating the issue. One thing to note is that it takes time to rearrange your oral microbiome. It didn't get this way overnight. Getting out of it is the same.
In addition to populating the mouth with good bacteria, it is EQUALLY important to keep up with a regimen to clear the mouth of the bad bacteria, which must be done regularly and in parallel with the probiotic regimen. Every morning and night, I do the following routine:

• Tongue brushing with a Tung brush or orabrush (and go as far back as you can go)
• Tongue scraping with a metal scraper (as far back as possible)
• Brushing with Nano-Hydroxyapatite toothpaste which is beneficial for oral pH, removing biofilms, and mineralizing teeth. Some brands I use are Carifree and Boka -- https://amzn.to/44NGRav
• Flossing. I use the REACH Floss Stick.
• Tongue Brushing/Scraping again.
• Probiotic routine. For mornings, I do the powder. For evenings, I just take a couple of lozenges. I take the Weissella one, and/or well a Viome one that I have leftover from my Viome subscription. I also take them randomly throughout the day.
• Occassionally, I will use the SmartMouth Clinicial version of mouthwash for a nice cleanse of bad bacteria. There is a regular version and a clinical version, the clinical one is much more effective -- https://amzn.to/3ULAvUE . It is important not to overdo this because it can disrupt the good bacteria as well in addition to the bad.

Also want to emphasize the absolute importance of going to the dentist for cleanings as many times as your insurance covers. For decades, I did not visit the dentist, going years on end without cleanings. These treatments are essential for breaking up biofilms and plaques of all the colonies of bad bacteria. If untreated over time, they become more resilient and grow rapidly. They build protective shells around their communities which allow them to grow rampant and overpower the good bacteria of the oral microbiome. It is critical to go, and have the calculus and plaque disrupted and removed. Even if you don't experience relief from one or two cleanings, it needs to be done. It is the progressive effect over time that will cure the condition. Removing bad bacteria overtime while populating with good bacteria -- a one-two punch.
And that's about it. That's where I'm at now, and I will continue doing this routine for the coming year, because I have seen in the past how resilient this bad bacteria is. My goal is to continue hammering it down with probiotics, and not just to wipe it to oblivion, but to build a healthy diverse microbiome of good bacteria that will prevent it from ever growing back and out of control again. I still experience halitophobia - the fear of bad breath and reactions - even though I don't experience any. My mouth is moist and sweet. My saliva is flowing. But the fear of a reaction is a psychological condition, because it is what I've known for 20+ years. I hope to be able to shake it off over time through many positive interactions.
Good luck to all and God Speed!
Edit: If trying the probiotic rinses, I advise against swallowing the rinse afterwards. Please spit it out. The reason for this is that, if ingested, it would get absorbed into the gut microbiome. For a couple of doses, this wouldn’t be an issue. But if you were to take several hundreds of millions of probiotics everyday, over the course of several weeks, this could possibly have a detrimental effect on your gut microbiome. Ideally, you would just want the probiotics to apply to your ORAL microbiome, and not your gut microbiome.

FYI, this is a story COLLECTION. Lots of standalones technically. So, you can basically start to read at any chapter, no pre-read of the other chapters needed technically (other than maybe getting better descriptions of characters than: Adam Vir=human, Krill=antlike alien, Sunny=tall alien, Conn=telepathic alien). The numbers are (mostly) only for organization of posts and continuity.
OC Written by Charlie Stastarrfallknightrise,
Typed up and then posted here by me.
Proofreading and language check for some chapters by u/Finbar9800 u/BakeGullible9975 u/Didnotseemecomein and u/medium_jock
Future Lore and fact check done by me.
Caution swearing!
Also, god I love you Conn… please never change!
Previous First [Next](link)
Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
"Both of you get your suits back on."
"What the hell is going on!?”
Richards demanded, Adam took a deep breath,
"Captain Richards that was not an opening for a discussion, that was an order. Now put the damn suit on, or I swear I will knock you out and do it myself!”
The three of them were floating in the module staring at each other, hands resting against what must have been no more than a few millimeters of aluminum.
He stared at them, and they stared back.
Adam did not break eye contact with the two, willing them to do as they were told. Chavez was the first to move, hurrying over to her space suit and struggling to pull it on in a near panic as bright lights flashed from outside. Inside his heart was pounding but he tried to remain calm for the two standing before him.
He hurried over to help Chavez pull on her gear, finally sealing the helmet in place as Richards finally moved to do the same.
Adam helped pull the hard torso over the man's head and link it to the waist before helping him pull on his gloves and, eventually the helmet. Before he let go, he kept hold of Richards by either side of the helmet staring at him through the glass,
"I promise, if you listen to me, I will keep you safe."
He kept eye contact with the other man until Richards finally nodded, and Adam let him go to float over and put on his own suit. His hands were steady, for now, but he knew as soon as the crisis was over he'd be shaking like a leaf.
If he survived…
He gritted his teeth, cursing himself for thinking like that.
He was Admiral Vir for crying out loud. He had survived far too much to go and die now.
He returned to the helm of the command module as he looked out the thick window at the lights flashing on either side of them. Despite the war that was raging around them, everything seemed so strangely quiet. There was no sound no rumbling, not even a vibration as one of the jets flew past. Despite being at the controls of the vehicle, there was nothing he could do. They only had a certain amount of fuel to get them to the lunar surface, and if he wasted any of it at all, they would be either caught in orbit, or miss the moon entirely.
He had to keep his cool.
Another bright burst of light lit the window to his right. This one was closer this time.
His heart leaped up into his throat.
Richards and Chaves joined him buckling into their seats.
"What is going on?”
Richards demanded again, his mike distant and tinny with the sound of very old technology.
"I believe Anti-Alliance forces are attempting to assassinate me. They have been trying for months now, and I think they are being encouraged by very powerful members of the government."
They watched as another set of ships zoomed past.
He saw a flash of a silhouette, just enough to know that one of them was a Thunderhawk and the other was a silver Rundi drone.
It confirmed his worst fears. The Chairwoman had been behind this the whole time!
[…]
Red nearly collided with the rocket. The Thunderhawk had pulled up the last minute, but he had almost been too late. He jerked the stick to the side, throwing up his wing just in time to avoid hitting the rocket as it made its slow way through space. He dove down on the other side forced to break off pursuit and cut in front of another Thunderhawk coming in from above. He made to look like he was going to ram them, playing a dangerous game of chicken, which he won at the last second as the other pilot panicked and cut to the left.
There were too many of them. Only five out of the original twenty had been destroyed, and he and the rest of their pilots were busy just keeping the thunder hawks away from the rocket, much less to have any time of firing at them. He had sent one of his people down to earth and one of them off towards the moon for backup. The moon was still hours away yet, so the hope that some help would be sent from them was unlikely, and even the woman he had sent down to earth's surface was cutting it close.
He didn't have much hopes that they would be able to hold out that long.
Inside the cockpit his warning lights began to blink and blair as one of the other jets got a lock on him. He rolled right to avoid them and dove down, cutting off the lock but still being pursued by those behind him. Up ahead he saw one of the silver balls erupt into flames as it was targeted by an expert hit from one of the Thunderhawk pilots.
He rolled right.
Someone else rolled left. He cut up just in time to avoid being hit and raced forward to cut off another Thunderbird that was heading directly towards the rocket.
[…]
Eris hurried down the hallway, her knees screaming as she did her very best to sprint, but despite her human anatomy, she was a little too much like a starborn.
With a cry of frustration she reached up and tore off her hoodie, throwing it to the ground and engaging her anti-gravity belt. The ribbons on her back billowed out behind her.
Light spilled in from the windows on either side of the catwalk she was now on, filling her with a buzzing energy that she could feel radiating through the ribbons like electricity. She knew from her study of starborn that they could travel at thousands of miles an hour in the vacuum of space, especially when under the power of a star. She didn't think she needed to go THAT fast, but anything would be better than what she was doing now.
As if in response to her will, she suddenly began to glide forward, picking up speed as she swooped towards the end of the hall, wind catching her in the face and roaring along her cheeks. With her starborn skin, she barely felt a thing as she raced around the corner and out of the waiting door. Two men dressed in military ACUs dived to the side as she blew past them crying out in alarm and confusion as the "Alien" floated by.
Somewhere distantly, she could sense Conn racing in the opposite direction towards the base.
Sunny and Admiral Kelly had Admiral Massie in their custody and were dragging him out into the hallway.
She blew across the open ground her ribbons snapping and billowing behind her as she did. She didn't even have time to imagine what she looked like as she roared over the open field and towards the waiting news vans which were just beginning to pack up their things. They were close to leaving, but she set out a sharp hard telepathic pulse ordering them to stop.
Compelling them to stop.
They froze in their tracks and looked up to see her coming.
Someone scrambled to turn on their camera, not sure what was going on but sure it had to be something good.
She tried not to think about what they would see as the camera flared to life following her approach.
"Make us live."
She ordered,
The news people glanced between each other in confusion,
"But no… we aren’t-"
"What are-"
She came to a sudden jolting stop before them, her billowing black hair fanning out behind her like a curling halo.
"I said, put us on air."
This time the telepathic pulse was too strong to resist. Mostly that, paired with the fact that none of them were sure they really wanted to resist. She was way too interesting to pass up.
They hurried to do what they were doing, and Eris was given just enough time to feel nervous before the camera was turned to her.
They were live.
She read it in the minds of those behind camera who she cut off as she began to speak,
"Citizens of Earth, there has been a horrible conspiracy against you. The UN president has ordered the assassination of Admiral Adam Vir and has continually attempted to sabotage the mission. Just now General Massie was taken into custody after ordering the deployment of twenty Thunderhawk’s to harass the rocket and make its destruction look like some sort of collision with space debris."
The group gawked at her as she raised her hand with the small silver device and began playing the recording.
She knew something like this would never be admissible in court. She was pretty sure it would be considered entrapment of some kind, which is why it must be heard now, before everyone, so that the actions of the president could be judged by a jury of the world where it could not be hidden by political machinations.
"Communications have been lost with Apollo 11. And it is... Well... It is likely that he is already dead..."
Her voice broke,
"No matter what happens, I need you, and this nation to understand what is happening before it gets swept under the rug. I saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears and experienced their meeting in the thoughts of a man who is both xenophobic and hateful to his own humankind."
She kept talking trying to give them all the information she could, spilling thoughts she had heard in the head of the UN president and General Massie alike. Every meeting, every liaison, every name until her voice was beginning to crack.
[…]
The UN president was just standing to enter her vehicle when a slow muttering began in the crowd behind her. She turned as the ground before her went silent.
She watched as a wave ran through the people. A wave of nudging and whispering and showing off news feeds they had pulled up on their wrist implants. It wasn't long before the entire crowd was either staring down at their arms or clustered around someone else for viewing.
"What is going on?”
She wondered, turning to one of her men who was staring down at her own wrist.
"Madame president?"
He said with a look of confusion.
She could hear it now.
"Her and General Massie have ordered members of the UNSC to adjust funds in order to hide the twenty Thunderhawk’s they were squirting away for just such an event."
She hurried forward, grabbing the secret serviceman by the arm, staring at it as she watched the streaming newsfeed and the freaky white alien with the large dark eyes and flowing black hair.
"She is afraid of aliens, she wishes to isolate and eventually use humanity's superior forces to overtake trade in the galaxy, forceful if need be."
The muttering behind her had turned into an angry grumbling, and she turned to see the eyes of hundreds that turned towards her.
"Get me out of here."
She hissed. the Secret Serviceman took a step back with a look of confusion and indecision on his face.
"It's your job."
She snarled, but he just stared at her.
She hurriedly ran over to her car as the crowd began to filter in around them pressing close. A few of the secret service men pulled guns, but a large majority of them were frozen with indecision and were taken over by the crowd. She scrambled into the back seat of her vehicle and slammed the door shut screaming at the driver to get moving.
The crowd was surrounding them now, pounding at the glass.
She could hear their angry voices raised for her to be heard behind bullet proof glass.
Outside, she watched a lone figure step onto the platform where the lectern was and stare at her with its beady black eyes. The Chairwoman of the GA stood over the crowd like it's filthy alien lord.
And even though Rundi could not smile, she could swear it was smiling.
[…]
Baby K hit a rough patch of turbulence coming down from the atmosphere. She struggled with the controls as she was thrown left and right inside the cockpit of her rickety shuttle.
Donovan Red had ordered her down here to grab the UNSC, but she was so scared and full of adrenaline that she had dropped it at too steep an angle. The ride was much bumpier than it was supposed to be, and her teeth were rattling inside her head.
Just then two Jets suddenly cut in behind her out of nowhere, and she heard her console beep and warn her about a lock on, making it clear that she was just one click of a trigger away from imminent doom.
"This is Eagle Dispatch One, unidentified vessel, you have crossed into restricted UNSC airspace, identify yourself or be destroyed! You have ten seconds to comply, over."
She scrambled for her communications, but her fingers felt as stiff as wood as she scrambled for the button.
"I repeat, this is Eagle Dispatch One, unidentified vessel, you have entered restricted UNSC airspace, you are ordered to identify yourself or be destroyed. Five seconds remaining. Over."
She slammed her first into the comms button nearly panicking,
"UNSC!"
Her voice was rattling,
"This is B-baby K, and I... The Apollo 11 is under attack!"
She was breathless as she forced the words out.
There was silence over the coms,
"Say again? Uhm I mean please repeat over.”
"Apollo 11 is under attack!"
”…”
”…”
More silence,
”Roger that. Please stand by. Over."
The lock lifted and the two jets pulled up to the side of her, staying close now.
She recognized those jets as two F-90 Darkfires.
They stayed by her side for a moment, and as close as they were she could see one of the pilots fidgeting with the coms, talking and wildly gesticulating, while his copilot was beginning to wildly flip switches.
Meanwhile, a second voice came in over the coms.
"On your left! Eagle Dispatch Two here, unidentified vessel, please land on UNSC base airstrip one. Just contact the control tower once you get close for guidance and instruction."
Baby K looked over into the other jet, just to see the pilot adjusting his helmet and clicking an oxygen tube to the front of his helmet. His co-pilot had already put the additional oxygen mask on and was also flipping switches.
”Uhm aren’t you going to escort me?”
Baby K managed to blurt out in confusion,
”Godspeed Baby K, Eagle Dispatch Two over and out.”
Both men in the jet to her left had apparently finished their preparations and gave her a quick salute.
Then suddenly, both jets adjusted their angle and cut engines, before switching to their big fusion engines, rocketing them up and out of sight within seconds.
[…]
So far it had been a relatively quiet day at the Ellington Field Joint Reserve Base. Most of the air traffic had been canceled due to the launch of the Apollo mission, so there was not much to do, leaving much of the Airport less staffed than normal.
In the Air Traffic Control tower of the base, only two men were working. Though “working” was stretching it, considering Senior Controller M. Fredrick was currently in the middle of his book (though he was at least in front of his station) and his comrade Senior ATC Instructor A. Millard was currently sitting in a corner, watching a movie on his implant.
”So what are you watching? One of those old Star Wars movies?”
”You bet! Those are the best! By the way any info on that “lost civilian” who got into our airspace?”
”No not yet, though I sent Eagle Dispatch and told them to be extra unfriendly, that will scare these civilians off for sure!”
”Pffft, why couldn’t they watch the start like any other person? There is always some dumb rich kid doing dumb stuff with daddies private shuttle… I don’t understand why we always let them off with a warning…”
The console started beeping,
”Oh look that’s them now!”
”Put ‘em on speakers!”
”Will do!”
…
”ATC this is Eagle, come the FUCK in!”
Fredrick rolled his eyes,
”Ahem… This is Elling Field ATC, calling Eagle Dispatch One. We hear you, over.”
”ATC what the FUCK took you so long!?”
”Ellington Field ATC, to Eagle Dispatch one, firstly: language, secondly: please follow standard radio rules, over.”
”THE APOLLO IS UNDER ATACK BY HOSTILE ELEMENTS!”
”Ellingt-WHAAAAT!? Repeat please! Over!”
”THE APOLLO IS BEEING ATACKED BY HOSTILE ELEMENTS! REQUETING IMMEDIATE ASSIST!”
Fredrick just stared at Millard dumbfounded. As the senior officer Millard was quick to collect himself and jumped up and towards his console.
”What are you waiting for Fredrick! Are we blind!? DEPLOY THE GARRISON!”
Fredrick ignored all protocol and just flipped the switch to connect his comms to every recipient available.
”ATC to all personnel and everyone who can hear me, the Apollo is under attack, I repeat, the apollo is under attack. I want all available planes that can reach the outer atmosphere ready ASAP! Get the darkfires on the runway I want them in the air yesterday!”
[…]
Conn raced towards the airstrip, feeling the wind in the ribbons at his back. He couldn't go nearly as fast as he wanted to with air resistance.
Why the hell did Adam always have to get into so much trouble, why did he always have to be the center of attention!?
Everyone either hated him or loved him, but the problem was people who hated him also wanted to kill him.
Why did he have to be so controversial!?
Why did he have to be hated for something that was such a big deal. Why couldn't he be hated for having controversial political opinions. Conn paused…
On second thought, controversial political opinions were kind of what had gotten them here in the first place, so he guessed that was kind of a useless comparison. How about being the kind of guy who liked to talk too much about fishing. That was a great way to make people hate you for being boring, but it didn't usually mean that people wanted to kill you.
Maybe they could get the man a hobby doing something that wasn't so controversial…
Like…
Kicking small Animals or…
Cannibalism.
He came roaring to the stop at the edge of the airfield just in time to watch an entire platoon of pilots racing towards jets. He could hear their minds and looked up to see a rather dinky shuttle descending from the sky. He floated forward towards one of the jets as two pilots leaped inside.
He was going to need a ride.
The pilots turned to look at him, but Conn just shook his head.
The pilots decided to ignore him in the confusion and Conn grabbed on tight.
Starborn, he had come to learn, were a very interesting species in comparison to others. Vertically, as in from the top down he was very fragile and likely to break his neck or collapse his spine if there was any kind of pressure, but with horizontal forces, he was practically indestructible. Below him the ship roared to life and soon they were gathering speed along the runway.
His grip was tight, and he used the extra energy from his ribbons to speed himself up along with the jet to reduce the pull on his arms.
His grip wasn't that strong.
They went vertical almost immediately, and he made sure to orient his body in the correct direction as they went hurtling into the sky.
[…]
Red's right wing had been hit. If there had been atmosphere around him he would have been a goner, but there was no air resistance here, so once he regained control of his roll, he pulled back into position and fired one last shot as the opportunity arose. The sixth Thunderhawk was destroyed in an eruption of debris, which he dodged only with difficulty, limping without the aid of the maneuvering jet on the end of his one wing. Things were only speeding up now, the Rundi were almost gone and the pressure was being laid thick on his people. They were hard to hit but the pursuit made it almost impossible for them to do any real maneuvering of their own. He was almost hit again as another Thunderhawk sped underneath him. They rolled this way and that rocking from one side to the other. Flying through debris and over strips of silver metal.
Below them the earth hung as a glowing orb.
Red cut in a wide circle coming in with the sun at his back, using it to blind one of the enemy Thunderhawk’s as he came in. He watched the group of them form up suddenly as a ring around the slow moving rocket, intending quite certainly to rush it all at once. He screamed into the comm trying to order his men around, but it was going to be too late, he could already see it coming.
The jets rushed forward, and he did too, screaming inside his helmet as they went to broadside Apollo 11.
And then with all the silence of space, sixteen F-90 Dark Fires came spitting overhead all at once, raining down a line of ordinance that cut through the group of unsuspecting Thunderhawk’s.
Space around them was filled with a myriad of silent explosions as each and every one of them was ripped to shreds.
All except one…
He saw it at the last moment.
It had been hit in the tail and had gone wildly off course.
It turned sideways, but had just enough force... For its wing to tear straight through the aluminum siding of the rocket.
FUCK!
[…]
Chavez and Richards had been ordered to strap into their seats.
Adam had taken it upon himself to lock down the rest of the main cabin. Outside the flashing lights were like a fireworks display without sound. He grabbed onto one of the rails, forcing equipment back into place, so that if anything happened it wouldn't fly out.
His legs were kicked up behind him as he floated forward reaching for some of the controls as a sudden bright wash of light filtered in through the windows. He heard a scream over his com, and then the air around him was rent with a horrific tearing noise, which suddenly went silent. There was a rush, and he jerked forward as he was sucked back... And out of the ship entirely.
His hands and legs kicked and flailed as he tried to right himself, hearing his own breathing as the only sound as he watched the rocket begin to spin, debris erupting around him as air, and whatever wasn't strapped down was sucked through the small opening.
The rocket was spinning wildly but still on course, while he was spinning wildly in a silent abyss.
Grunting against the force of his spin, he reached down for the controls to the CO2 canister built into the pack of his spacesuit.
He groaned, not sure which way was up or down or back. He tried to right himself against the spin by firing in the opposite direction to slow his spin.
He could see the rocket now spinning in the opposite direction with the sudden loss of oxygen. He hoped the other astronauts were ok. He saw the silhouette of a jet fly past in the distance making its way towards the spinning rocket.
At least there was someone here to help.
Maybe the others would survive-
And then he just… stopped, coming to a confusing halt in the middle of space.
That shouldn't have been right!
He should have kept going forever!
He tried turning his head, but he felt like the pillsbury doughboy in this two thousand year old suit.
What was happening?
"Did you miss me Baby?”
Well shit, now he sort of wished he could keep spinning.
There was a tugging on the outside of his suit, and Conn floated into view in front of his helmet.
"Hey sweetheart."
"You are probably the last person I wanted to see."
He said, though he didn't entirely mean it, and unfortunately Conn knew that too, the mindreading asshole that he was.
”I could hardly let the father of my child go spinning off into space without taking accountability for his family. After al child support is paying way more than widows pension."
"Shove it up your ass Conn."
"No really, not even the vacuum of space is going to save you from your responsibilities. Now, about custody, I was thinking you could have every other weekend and a couple of major holidays…”
He gave a rueful sort of smile as Conn grabbed him by the life support pack and started floating them towards the rocket.
The F-90s had somehow managed to slow the spin of the rocket, and pull it back on course with grappling magnets.
All around them space was filled with debris. No more working Thunderhawk’s were present and those that were were quickly being grappled. One sleek racing jet slowly cruised past them. One of its wings was damaged, but whoever was inside waved with one hand as he rolled past.
Adam lifted a hand as Conn brought him the last few hundred feet to the torn opening in the side of the ship, allowing him to step through.
Conn patted him on the side of the helmet,
"Make sure to be home by dinnertime sweetie."
Before blowing him a kiss and vanishing back out the hole.
Adam floated there, a bit nonplussed for a moment before turning back to the front of the ship where Chaves and Richards were still strapped into their seats staring at him and after Conn. He floated over to strap himself in.
"Admiral! You're ok!”
"Yes, it seems that I am, thanks to a... Friend of mine."
Just then Conn appeared again just before their right side window, and like the classy gentlemen that he was began rubbing his butt up against the glass.
He sighed,
"Friend is kind of stretching it."
"Apollo 11 this is Houston, do you copy!"
The man on the other end of the line sounded close to tears, and Adam hurried to respond,
"Houston this is Apollo 11."
On the other side he thought he heard the sound of voices cheering in relief.
"What is your status, over?”
"We are a bit beat up Houston, we have a tear in our hull, but our suits are ok, and we have help."
"Prepare to abort mission."
Adam frowned,
"Now wait a second there Houston! I didn't get sucked out the side of my own rocket to just quit now. Tell the boys to come up here and patch us up and we can finish the mission. All systems are still functioning, and we are back on course."
He glanced over at the others,
”That is, if the crew wants to continue."
There was a pause and then Chavez timidly piped in,
"I'd be ok with that."
Richards sighed,
"Roger Houston, patch us up."
Granted it may have been cheating. Apollo 11 hadn't had support with special tools that could just patch up a spaceship within ten minutes, but then again the original Apollo 11 hadn't been in the middle of a firefight while on their journey to the moon.
So it was with some trepidation that Houston allowed it, and before long they had air back inside the cabin back up to pressure, but they also had a sixteen-man rotating escort for the rest of the way.
The group of them were even shocked to see Rundi drones join the formation, only to learn that it had been the UN president who had allegedly called the hit on him. It was hard to believe, but they were only getting snippets here and then from over radio and from Conn, who floated around occasionally to rub another part of his anatomy against the window and give them teasing updates.
The moon was growing slowly in their vision.
"Hehe, I can see my house from here."
Adam remarked as they prepared to detach the lunar module from the rest of the ship.
They landed without incident, observed by mobile camera crews and news reporters as he made his own footprint on the never changing dust of the moon's surface. He gave them a thumbs up to let them know he was fine and hesitated only once before setting up the UN flag in the dirt. He refused to let his enthusiasm be dampened by the day's events and hopped around dancing and leaping for joy as another one of his childhood dreams was fulfilled.
…
That was before he plowed face first into the moon's surface and required help from Richards to stand back up again.
They left soon after taking another three days of escort back to earth before strapping themselves in for final entry.
Conn left them just as they were entering orbit with a very big and very drawn out middle finger for all three of them.
"Your friend is super delightful isn't he?”
"You don’t know the half of it, try having a child with him."
Adam muttered, refusing to elaborate even as they stared at him in confusion.
They fell from the sky and landed somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, picked up by the waiting navy vessel who was within nine miles of their landing site. They were fished from the water and returned safe and sound to the ship to cheers and cameras. Adam's legs felt a little like jelly after days of not using them, and he was finally able to relax lying on the deck of the ship under the sun as people ran around them on either side.
His hands shook slowly building up after the stress of the last week. He took long deep breaths and closed his eyes.
The next few days were going to be a real shit show.
And somehow it wasn’t because he was now known as the man who faceplanted on not one, but TWO interstellar bodies…
The media was way to busy with the other story, a massive net of deceit and corruption that would now be uncovered.
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Want to find a specific one, see the whole list or check fanart?
Here is the link to the master-post.
Intro post by me
OC-whole collection
Patreon of the author
Thanks for reading! As you saw in the title, this is a cross posted story written by starrfallknightrise and I'll just upload some of it here for you guys, if you are interested and want to read ahead, the original story-collection can be found on tumblr or wattpad to read for free. (link above this text under "OC:..." ) It is the Empyrean Iris story collection by starfallknightrise. Also, if you want to know more about the story collection i made an intro post about it, so feel free to check that out to see what other great characters to look forward to! (Link also above this text). I have no affiliations to the author; just thought I’d share some of the great stories you might enjoy a lot!
Obviously, I have Charlie’s permission to post this and for the people already knowing the stories, or starting to read them: If you follow the link and check out the story you will see some differences. I made some small (non-artistic) changes, mainly correcting writing mistakes, pronoun correction and some small additional info here and there of things which were not thought of/forgotten or even were added/changed in later stories (like the “USS->UNSC” prefix of Stabby, Chalar=/->Sunny etc). As well as some "biggemajor" changes in descriptions and info’s for the same stringency/continuity reason. That can be explained by the story collection being, well a story collection at the start with many standalone-stories just starring the same people, but later on it gets more to a stringent storyline with backstories and throwbacks. (For example Adam Vir has some HEAVY scars over his body, following his bones, which were not really talked about up till half the collection, where it says it covers his whole body and you find out via backflash that he had them the whole time and how he got them, they just weren't mentioned before. However, I would think a doctor would at least see these scars before that, especially since he gets analyzed, treated and goes shirtless/in T-shirts in some stories). So TLDR: Writing and some descriptions are slightly changed, with full OK from the author, since he himself did not bother to correct these things before.

For starters, this should be applicable to anyone who has the misfortune of owning anything by NordicTrack that has the ifit app installed. Ultimately, these are all powered by slightly different variants of the same android control board. So similar even, that if you crack open any of them, the boards have the same shape, mount points and locations of all the primary components and connectors. They all have the same design flaw.
All that being said, I've fixed a bike and two treadmill boards so far by re-flowing them. The problem wasn't the screen. It wasn't an issue of the board not getting power, etc. The issue was cold solder joints.
One of them had to be reflowed twice, but...again, I've got a pretty good track record going, and am now convinced that these are just cheaply made "not even half as good as an Amazon Fire" tablets with cold solder joints. If you don't know what a cold solder joint is, it's simply areas on the board where the board was not heated enough during production, resulting in poor joints that crack and fail overtime. It would be kind of like if all the important nerves in your nervous system just started breaking. You'd stop working too. Fortunately, there's usually ways to fix this on circuit boards.
If you have a multi-meter, you can poke the 12v power header into the tablet to confirm that it's getting 11 to 13v power. If it is (and assuming it's also getting 2 amps then), you're probably looking at cold solder joints. If you don't have a multi-meter, but you're mechanically inclined, you can pick one up for under $10 USD. Takes about 10 minutes to learn how to use on on Youtube. If you want to test if it's a screen issue....well, short of visible, physical damage, screens *and* the touch overlays don't just die at the same time. So even if the screen was totally failed, the touch overlay should still let you poke around if you know exactly where to click to make *something* happen. (You could also hook the screen up to a laptop if you have a large format screen with a 30 pin connector, but that seems overkill when, overwhelmingly, it's likely cold solder joints on the PCB in the tablet)
Also, it's worth nothing that cold solder joints don't always result in being dead in the water right away. While I would try *everything* else from a software perspective first to fix instability issues, constant crashing and reboots, completely frozen screens, inability to fully boot, or error messages preventing boot can all be related to this, too. For my own treadmill, it started with freezing after a couple workouts, and quickly (over a day) progressed to a boot loop where it never would fully load. For kicks, I let it torture itself and when I came back the next day, it was completely dead.
Anyway, fixing this is pretty much the same as what everyone used to do to XBOX 360's that had the red ring of death...cook the PCB until the solider melts again, but also try not to cook it so far that the components on the board literally burn and become unusable again.
Also, it's worth noting that if you're lucky enough to still be under warranty, you should pursue that first. And don't discredit looking at what credit card you bought your machine with, if you're the original owner. Some credit cards double warranties, so that 2 year warranty on the tablet could very well be turned into a four year warranty by your credit card company. This is actually a surprisingly common, but not well known, benefit of major cards.
To get started, unplug the unit from the wall. The last thing you need is to end up electrocuting yourself or blowing something out on your machine because power was still being applied to it.
Ok, so onto the actual repair.....to do this, you'll need to unplug the four cables going into the back of the tablet. On some machines, like my 9.5s, you might have to take a back cover off the whole unit to actually reach the back of the tablet, and its connectors. Once that's taken care of, you'll need to take out the (likely) 3 screws on each side that hold the tablet mount into the upper assembly that the tablet itself is mounted in. From here, the tablet should be freely removable from the unit.
Now you need to undo the screws in the back of the tablet to separate it from the touchscreen front. Warning: There are delicate ribbon cables going from the screen in front, to the board in the tablet. Damage one of them, and you may as well just buy a new tablet for the few hundred bucks NordicTrack will shake you down for.
Once you've exposed the board, you should be able to pull out the wire connectors and flip the pressure fit levers on the ribbon cable connectors for the tablet to remove the camera and touchscreen ribbon cables. Note that the wifi antenna is also relatively delicate, and should be pulled as upward as possible. You also need to be careful when reinstalling it, or you can crush the connector, and then....either you're good at incredibly small soldering by hand, or again, you're buying a new tablet with half the power and build quality of the cheapest Amazon Fire at quadruple the price.
Next, remove the screws securing the board to the inside of the tablet, and you should be able to freely remove it with ease. Now comes the Really delicate part.

THE ACTUAL FIX ITSELF

Ideally, you would be doing this in a precision controlled re-flow oven with a profile that walks the board through exact temperature changes....but you can get 90% of the way there, and have pretty excellent chances of fixing your board, nontheless. You just need an oven and a thermometer you can read from inside the oven.
Before prepping the board to go in the oven, remove the large metal RF shield covering the back of the board. Not the one that's postage stamps sized, but the one that's about the much larger one, about the size of two human thumbs. You can discard this - it's an RF shield and honestly it does nothing but trap heat that really shouldn't be trapped, in my opinion.
Using the "toaster oven method" to reflow a PCB, you will want to make a few loose (not very compacted) foil balls. Set them on a plate in a way where you can press the board into them, connectors side facing up. You should have the board be as level as possible - re-flowing a board at an angle can make the chips fall out of alignment, and then you pretty much have a dead, now-un-repairable board.
Once the board is level, put a thermometer you can read on the plate with the board and pop it in the oven. Set the oven to bake at 230C (About 445F) and once the oven has actually reached this temperature, count off two minutes. That is how long you want to let the board bake before you remove it. You don't have to be exact with this, but don't leave it in for only a minute and don't forget about it and come back after it's been cooking for 5 or 10 minutes. Try to be within a few seconds of that 2 minute mark. And the temperature gauge on the plate is so you can know that it really is within a few degrees of 230F. The temp gauge on stoves often lies, and if the board is below 220 it won't really re-flow, and above 240 you run the risk of cooking it to death.
Anyway, the final, and arguably most delicate part, is removing the board. You want to be as gentle as possible. No bumps, no jerky motions, and setting it down with great care once it's out of the oven. Also, set it down *away* from the oven so that the board can cool off faster. Don't put it in the fridge or anything, but let it sit undisturbed for about 15 minutes before trying to do anything with it. After that amount of time, it should be cool enough to touch. Once all of this is done, screw the board back into the tablet shell, but ONLY put the screws in along the two sides that have connectors coming out of them. This means you should have three of the four corners screwed down, and one or two additional screws along those two sides. Leave the fourth corner undone since it gives the board some wiggle room without constant straining & flexing. (The best option would be making silicone bushings to mount the tablet board to, much like portable had drives have, but that's just me trying to get as much life out of my tablet & treadmill as I can).
Now, reattach all the connectors. My preferred order for ease is: Camera cable, microphone cable, touch screen cable, wifi antenna, display cable (the largest flat ribbon cable in there). Then close up the two halves of the tablet, pop a couple screws in the corners, and reattach the four external cables to the tablet. Don't bother screwing it all back in yet because we're just testing to make sure it works at this point. You should be able to lay the tablet down, plug the machine in, and have the tablet power up. It should respond to touch and work just like it used to. If it works again, congrats! Now unplug it once more and finish reinstalling the tablet, plastic pieces, and screws.
If it didn't work, there's no harm in trying to reflow the board again. In fact, if the issue happens again later on, you can just try reflowing the board once more. That said, there's only so many times you can re-melt the solder holding everything together before the board will just plain out be toast. Usually it's somewhere around 3 or 4 times, but you could be unlucky and have 0 or 1, or be incredibly lucky and get away with it a dozen times over many more years of life from your machine, if you even need to.
All that being said, if anyone needs help with this, just reply here. I'm not on Reddit often anymore, but I'll try to get back to you within a week, and I'm much more responsive once we've started on a conversation.
Again, to date, I've fixed three NordicTrack devices doing this, and many MANY other PCBs in similar fashion. What's alarming to me here is that the units I've fixed all have usage times of under 100 hours for the machines. Honestly, I'm amazed this hasn't come up yet and that NordicTrack hasn't been litigated into free replacements like Apple and Microsoft have from similar mass failures out of warranty due to poor build quality. (Xbox 360, iPhone battery & back glass issues, etc...) I'm even more amazed that they'll sell the tablet for most models, but *not* the PCB....though, I guess that just goes to show that whatever lowest-bidder factory cranked these out for them, NordicTrack as a company has never even seen component level parts like that - just finished tablets, so it's not even something they *can* offer their ~~hostages~~ customers.
OH! And final word of advice! Put your units on a smart outlet that turns off after whatever the max time you use your equipment would be! Not only will it prolong the equipment life, but it actually makes it easier to use! For example, instead of waiting for the treadmill to wake up, I just say "Alexa, turn on the treadmill" and by the time I'm at it, it's happily waiting for me to click my name and go. And then if I forget to turn it off, the smart plug is programmed to shut it down after 2 hours anyway, so it won't be sitting there idly chewing away at the new life ~~breathed~~ baked into it.
If you want to make sure the temp if your oven is hot enough, but not going to fry something, try taking an old remote that you know works but that you don't care about. Disassemble it, reflow it, and make sure it still works when you put it all back together again. Now do it again and see if, once it reached temp in the oven, you can scrape parts off the board with relative ease. This will destroy the remote, but it's a good way to get comfortable with baking boards.
Anyway, that's about all. I wish I'd though to record videos of this process, but I hope this guide is enough to get most people back in business. And if you've already been through swapping the whole tablet and have a dead one you'd like to donate to seeing if my theory continues to hold true, I'd be happy to pay shipping to get it from you, or have you pay shipping if you want me to just take a crack at fixing it and sending it back to you.
If you're already skilled in these areas, it should take about 20 minutes to do, excluding actual bake and cooling time. If you're totally new at this but you can follow instructions with care and precision, you can probably have it done in under 2 hours. And hey - short of burning or electrocuting yourself (again, unplug before working on the equipment!) ....if you already have a dead board, the only thing you really have to lose by trying this is some of your time. =)

A couple of years ago I tried writing my own version of Stones Abbigale. I never got past the first couple scenes, but I'm considering returning to it. I wanted to basically rewrite and change up a lot of things, mainly focusing on Abbi and Davis and changing some elements. Let me know what you think!

1
It's almost four in the morning and Seth is threatening suicide again. Good. Fuck him. I hope he does it. I don't text him that because I read about this girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself. The irony was that when he actually did it she got charged with second degree murder. My life is fucked as it is I don't need to make it worse. I’m shivering under my comforter because we’re halfway through November. I think about the turkey that won't get made this year and the family I won't see. I think that's swell. Seth is still texting.
Its like u dont even care after everything that happened and after everything we did together i saved ur life and i stayed with u when u cried and i hugged u and i did everything for u but that wasn't enough was it? i try so hard and all u ever are is a bitch to me that's not fair u want me to die and u hate me and u dont even care and im sick of it abbi why is is so hard for u to care about me?
I don't respond. I don't like how I feel about this. This should be easy. He won't actually do it. He won't. He’s too self involved to kill himself. I put my phone face down on my bed. The sheets shake around it as he sends message after message. I was sleeping on a ticking bomb so I got off of it. My feet stick to the floor, I struggle to step. I might as well have been standing barefoot on ice. I trudge to my window so I can see my street at night.
Winter is really coming. You can't hear as many birds as you used to. They've all gone. They've all flown away. I can see three streetlights from where I’m standing. If you look from right to left, you can see the concrete fracture into the sand. I open my window and brace for the chill. I stick my head outside. The ocean is not far away. I hear it hitting the shore over and over. Waves of water splashing incessantly, almost beating out my text notifications.
The street lights flicker. I think of last summer. When Seth and I got really high after the news broke. I was making out with that bong. Emptying bowl after bowl, clanking the glass on the road to empty it out. Just thinking about it makes me feel the street pole against my back again. I was laughing and crying. Seth leaned in and hugged me. “I’m a sure thing,” he said. “I love you and I always will.”I caught my reflection in his sunglasses. I looked awful. I shiver at the memory.
My phone is still buzzing. I try to catch my breath. I shut my window and start to walk back to my bed. A room always looks different in the dark. Maybe you think you know where you are, but there is always something that can jump out at you on the floor. Like a ghostly paper bag or a vengeful shoe. Objects that seem to move on their own with the sole drive of tripping you.
I crawl back into bed. There's the phantom of Dad’s snoring . I know he's not sleeping in his room, he fell asleep on the couch after finishing his seventh fifth. Sometimes my brain fills in the gaps so I can hear it everywhere. Funnily, I haven't actually heard him snore since Mom left. That's the one thing I ever heard them fight about. Before she turned out to be a whore, I guess.
BZZT.BZZT.BZZT.
I can't bring myself to read any of his messages. They're coming so fast all the paragraphs are lost to motion blur. Seth’s arms wrap around me and I think about the beating of his heart and the warmth of his lips against my skin. I open up the texts, ready to respond.
I love you
I text this over and over until I fall asleep.
Davis was the only senior on the bus. Somehow, everyone else had a car or a ride. It’s all right, though. James would probably give him one if he had a car, but he skated to school every morning. That's why he barely ever rode the bus with him. The bus thumped along the under paved roads. Davis forgot his earbuds at home, so the only music that accompanied him was his racing thoughts. Two sophomore girls popped their heads over.
“Ohmigod, Davis!” One of them shrieked.
“As I live and breathe,” he smiled. “Nice,” she said. “I’m so excited to see your finished painting.”
Davis took the lower level art class for a requirement. Like most things, he's not taking it very seriously. For their pop art unit, he's painting a portrait of the art teacher with a warthog face. It's one of his funny disruptions. He knows Mrs. Stanley is going to have a real field day with it, but it doesn't matter. Artistic liberties, he’d profess.
“She's such a bitch, isn't she?” The sophomore girl turns to her compatriot, who only nods in response.
“She's just jealous,” Davis says. “It must be depressing to teach art and see the youth soar above her.”
“For sure,” the girl doesn't get it. Class clown is a semi-heavy burden. Davis doesn't really feel like talking to these girls, but his position demands it. Comedy informs everything about him. To the giant thrift store jeans, to the loud Hawaiian shirt. He and James are the ultimate combination, at least he likes to think so. Quiet brooding begs for bright distraction.
The girl is still trying to talk to him and Davis is saying his preprogrammed lines. The bus stops in front of James’s street. Surprisingly, James is standing there.
“Like I’m this close to just filling my hydroflask with vodka, yaknow?” says the chick. Maybe she's just trying to get a rise out of him.
“Better be prepared to give me more than a sip,” Davis is watching James grumble towards the bus.
The sun is beating down on the forming ice puddles. James stomps through them with small shattering steps.
James turns up the bus aisle and plops in the seat next to Davis. Davis’s smile is genuine now, but he fights it from getting too wide.
“Crash your vehicle?” Davis asks.
“Something like it,” there's something off with him. Davis doesn't want to push it.
“Well damn, hope insurance covers it,” Davis wants James to break and laugh. Is it just another mood or did something actually happen this time?
“It won't, I got bad credit,” James grins and it's like heaven. “What's the move for you today?”
“Surviving art and physics for me,” says Davis. “Those bastards love to keep me down.”
“Who doesn't,” James eyes the girls who have since returned to whatever they were doing before. It's the judgement stare, as Davis calls it. James likes to observe his peers like a zoo-goer. Breaking them down to taxonomic types. Davis likes to think that James doesn't do this to him, but he knows he probably does.
“It sucks you decided to be bad at school and take baby art,” James is still dissecting the sophomore girls down to their tropes. “We could have done Art II together.”
“I wouldn't want to get between you and Alex. I know how you love it when people piss in jars next to you.”
“That's disgusting,” James breaks his glare at the girls.
“It's performance art, it's beautiful,” Davis gets up out of his seat to yell. “Everyone witness the wonderful work of Alex Madov! Disengage yourself from the shackles of capitalism by shouting with me: Poopy, pee pee, poop!”
Davis gets a few chuckles from the other kids on the bus.
“Sit down, fatso,” mumbles the bus driver.
“I will not be silenced! I’m a messenger of the good word, sir!”
"More of this shit and I’m skipping your stop!” “Fine, but I will make Alex remember on the day of judgement,” Davis sits back down. James is full belly laughing.
“You're so retarded,” James wheezes. Davis can't even come back with a response. He's high off of it.
The bus pulls into the school lot with a short stop. The mobs get up and begin to race out. Davis follows James down the line.
“You know Abbi?” James asks. Davis feels a little pit form in his stomach, but he doesn't change his expression.
“Vaguely, what about her?”
“She's in my art class,” James begins. “And I think … well you know, I’m going to talk to her.” He walks down the steps and out the door.
“Doesn't she have a boyfr-” before Davis can descend the driver's arm blocks him.
“I’ve had enough of your shit, kid,” he says. “If you keep being obnoxious, I’m gonna find a way to make you pay for it.”
James looks back, but he can't stay. Davis knows that he's gotta get to class. James does a little wave goodbye and Davis salutes him. “Are you even listening to me?” the bus driver seethes.
“Yes, sir. Divine retribution, got it.” Davis ducks underneath his arm and exits the bus. James has already disappeared into the crowd.
I pass the bong to Ashley. She starts another bowl. She’s the transport and I provide the material. The little things that keep our friendship afloat. I look at the clock in her car.
“It's 8:45,” I pick a piece of bagel out of my teeth.
“So that's it, we officially missed first period,” Ashley tops it off.
“They won't mark us, you know. It's a study.”
“Yeah, but when's the last time we signed in? I heard they're changing the policy again. Do you still have the lighter?”
I toss it to her. I don't get it. It's always her idea to pick me up so we can smoke before school, why now is she suddenly caring about attendance?
“We're pretty girls, we can get out of it. I’m next,” I tap on the clock. “Are you sure it's not fast?”
She shakes her head as she takes a snap. We're parked in the pond area a block or two from the school. It's our designated smoking spot. I like it, even at the end of fall it's pretty. I’m so engrossed that I don't realize her tip out the bowl and put it back in the cup holder.
“I don't know if it's wise to keep up the activity, we should probably get going soon,” she starts up her car again.
“Okay,” I say.
She reverses and swings out of the lot. We lean into the silence and it's super weird.
“Seth texted me last night,” I wait for her reaction.
“Oh,” she grimaces. “What did you say?”
“That I loved him.” Silence again. Ashley's trying to put together something well-meaning while understanding that I’ll probably ignore whatever she has to say.
“Abbi, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your life, but …” Her expression is now quizzical. She's said what she is about to say a number of different ways all ready. She thinks and thinks and decides to say nothing. Good call, I would have screamed at her. Not because what she thinks about my situation isn't true, I’m just in a ‘screaming at people mood’ because of it.
“I’m going to dye my hair again,” she changes the subject to avoid conflict. Classic Ash.
“Oh yeah? What color this time?”
“I don't know,” she checks her reflection in the rear view. “The red has faded out, maybe blue or pink this time.”
“You should go with a softer pink,” I say. “Since you're a soft spring.”
“Yeah, maybe.” We enter the school lot. “Listen, do you want to get together when I do it? Maybe you can dye your hair too.”
“I don't know, I might be busy,” I say. “Seth might want to do something,” I pause for her to protest. “Okay,” she says. She parks and we get out.
I barrel into art class. I don't care if I reek, out of all the teachers I can tell Mrs. Stanley smokes the most. It would be hypocritical of her to care. It looks like I’m the first one. Weird. I check my phone. It's 8:45. Well, fuck. Looks like Ashley needs to fix her clock. Mrs. Stanley is at her desk. She looks at me knowingly.
“Eager to create today, Abbi?”
I just nod and sit at my desk. I’m really feeling it. I open up my precalc notebook and just start sketching. Birds, eyes, trees, whatever. Kids start coming in. Their chatter echoes around me, I try to focus on what I’m doing. Someone bumps into my table. I look up. It's this lanky blonde kid, I think his name is James. He presses his hands underneath the desk as he leans up to talk to me.
“Eww!” He shouts. Some kids turn and laugh. I don't. I just stare at him. James goes red and sits next to the kid who pissed in a jar. Once an adequate amount of students are in the room, Mrs. Stanley starts her lesson slideshow. On the screen is a dirty urinal.
“How many of you are familiar with this work by Marcel DuChamp?” she asks. At this point, Jason, the designated meathead jock, enters the room.
“Sorry I’m late, Mrs. S,” he booms. He looks at the slide. “We building bathrooms today?” Mrs. Stanley glares at him.
“Wouldn't you like that? Considering you spend all of your time in there.”
“Whatever,” Jason brushes his mullet behind his ears.
“No, not whatever. Would you like me to move you into the sophomore class with Davis? Believe it or not he's getting much better marks than you are getting in here.”
Jason rolls his eyes and takes his place in the chair next to me.
“Up to a little extra curricular activities before art, Abbi?” he motions a joint in his fingers. I scoff and go on my phone. There's another text from Seth.
sorry about last night
and
im reading it all right now that was fucked im sorry
I start to respond, but before I can Mrs. Stanley outstretches her hand.
“Give me your phone, Miss Hagerty. I’m sick of giving you warnings.” I don't have the energy to fight, I just give it to her. “You can pick it up at the end of the day.”
My jaw actually drops. Jason must have really set her off, she's not usually such a cunt to me.
“Anyways, found art. What is it? Well, found art is the use of everyday objects to convey an altered meaning. It can be something you find on the street or something that once held value to you. For example, My Bed by Tracey Elim.” She pulls up a picture of a messy bed that looks suspiciously like my own. “So for your final unit of the quarter, you will be making your own found art. I really want you to take this project a little more seriously than most of you have been taking this class. I’m giving you the privilege of picking your own partners, but I’d like to remind you to be thoughtful with your choice. This will be worth more for your grade.”
I look around. I don't have any friends here. I toy around with the idea of asking Jason for convenience and he looks like he's about to pull that move. Behind me there's that James guy. He’s sheepishly looking at me. He seems kind of nice. Okay. I don't feel like getting up so I just turn around in my chair.
“Hey James, wanna be partners?” He balks a bit and then smiles at me.
“Yeah, totally,” He's beaming and it's somewhat endearing. Alex and I switch seats and now I’m next to him.
“I’m gonna be real with you …” I begin. He stops and shifts a little. “I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing for this.” He regards me oddly. Like he's trying to piece me together. It doesn't bother me.
“She said we have to bring in an object that's special to us and present it artistically basically,” he rubs his chin. Damn, I must be baked to hell. I didn't hear her saying that at all. “So got any stuffed animals we can cut up and make Lovecraftian monstrosities out of?”
“I got a hamster cage, hold the hamster,” I say. It comes out kind of weird and I probably sound stupid, but he doesn't seem to care. “Let's make a fucking zoo.”
“Perfect!” He’s kind of cute actually. In a way. Something about this feels fun. I realize the bell will ring soon.
“So um,” I rip out a page of my precalc notebook, still fresh with my drawings. I scrawl out my number and push it to him. “Call me so we can figure out the project some more.” I pack up all my stuff and start to head out. I can feel him watching me and it's not that bad.
“I sure will,” he says. Everything feels really groovy. There's a lightness now. I’m halfway out the door when I remember my phone. I can't believe that I just forgot about Seth. I think about begging for my phone, but I feel too above that. Still, something shakes the good feeling as the bell rings.

[First Contact] [Dark Ages] [First] [Prev] [Next] [wiki]
The annoying sound of her comlink made Angela Angus Kusumoto open her eyes.
All she saw was the firm, smooth flesh of Kimoko's thigh.
Groaning, she pushed the other woman's leg off of her face, twisted to get Raul off of her own legs, then wiggled out from under Geoff.
The ringer kept going, flashing the red pulses that let her know it was urgent.
As if the fact her unlisted encrypted and non-network accessible comlink was ringing wasn't enough to let her know that it was urgent.
She stumbled, tripping over Harker's leg, which just made the male shift and mutter, tightening his sleeping grip on Liselle, who sighed and wiggled into the embrace.
Angela's mouth tasted terrible and she stopped to grab a fizzybrew, checking to make sure nobody had dropped a cig butt into it or spit chaw into it, then she took a long drink off of it.
It helped cure the fire in her belly and wash out the taste from her mouth.
She saw the ID of the caller and held back a groan.
Senior Supervisor Bisa-2291873.
Her direct supervisor.
She picked up the comlink, running one hand through her pixie-cut hair to try to tame it. She could feel the stiffness of something crusted in her hair and held back a chuckle and a grin.
"Kusumoto here," she said, activating the link.
"I need you at Master Control," Ms. Bisa said. She was holding a small infant, bouncing it slightly as she patted its back with firm impacts as it cry/sobbed and kicked its little feet.
"The system's been crashed for a week, what's so important you'd call me in during my R&R?" Angela asked.
"System's back online. We've got an open line to Terra and we have an open line to Smokey Cone," Ms. Bisa said.
The infant gave a loud belch that rattled Angela's comlink speaker, then sighed and relaxed.
Angela nodded, fumbling on the table for a quiksober inhaler.
"That anomolous signal is back. It showed up right as the entire system underwent a hard reboot," Ms. Bisa said. "I need you up here to check the network interface logs and do a network mapping trace."
The quiksober burned as she inhaled it, her lungs aching and tingling as the chemicals crossed the air to blood barrier.
"I'll be there as soon as possible. Is the mat-trans up?" she asked.
Ms. Bisa shook her head. "No. Still locked out. It did a power cycle, but then locked everything out."
"I'm telling you, there's someone controlling it. Someone has been controlling it," Angela said, looking around for her clothes.
Clothing was scattered everywhere, as chaotically arranged as the fizzybrew and narcobrew cans and bottles. She sighed, moving toward the exit of the house she was standing in.
"Hurry up, I've got a skycraft landing near you any time now. You've got permission to use the fast-locks," Ms. Bisa said.
"I'll get dressed from the forges on the skycraft," Angela said. "If they've rebooted."
"They're up and running again. The food forges rebooted but stayed unlocked," Ms. Bisa said.
"The creation engines?" Angela asked, opening the door and stepping out into early 'morning' sunshine.
"Still locked out," Ms. Bisa said. Someone said something that the comlink's AI decided might be classified and blurred out. Ms. Bisa looked away, said something, her lips fuzzing, then back. "Hurry, Angela."
Angela nodded, shutting off the comlink.
She ran to the nearest parking lot, just in time for a skycraft to land, the graviton engines howling.
Nobody paid the slightest attention to the naked woman running for the skycraft.
After all, what happened in Vega-Layer stayed in Vega-Layer.
99999
Angela walked out of the elevator, taking a long drink off of the sparkling snap-berry/overdate motor oil fizzybrew from the Jak the Telkan PI merchandise cup.
All of the crews were at their stations, the auxiliary stations fully manned.
Ms. Bisa moved over to Angela, steering her toward the Senior Network Administrator console.
"The system crashed twice more, but rebooted every time," Ms. Bisa said. "That anomalous signal keeps powering up, then the system reboots after the crash."
"How long between total failure and the anomalous signal pinging nodes?" Angela asked.
"Between one and four hours," Ms. Bisa said. She looked around. "It just reboot and looks like it's here to stay this time. The interpolation layer and the outside user exchange layer crashed several times, but the core system has stayed largely online."
"All right," Angela said, looking around. "We need to get a network map."
"We've got more nodes synching up. The whole system is working again," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela nodded, sitting down. The holotank on the other side of the console went live.
"Map the network, see what's come online, what order, and see if you can figure out why it keeps crashing at the upper network and software layers," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela just nodded, lifting up the curled memory-metal cable. She plugged it into her temple and felt the options menus go live in her mind.
She worked fast, mapping what she could. At one point she stopped, staring at Ms. Bisa and motioning her over.
"What?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"Something in the system, down in the lower hardware layers that we don't even really understand, is trying to reach up through the damaged layers. Looks like whatever it is wants access to our data lines," Angela said.
"Can you stop it? Maybe at least ID it?" Ms. Bisa asked.
Angela shook her head. "No. It's ID code is FF00, meaning it's baseline full on hardware backbone code," Angela sighed. "It probably boots up outside of and during initial hardware bootup."
"Is it Sekhmet?" Ms. Bisa asked.
Angela closed her eyes, looking at the data channel. "No. Whatever it is, it's old."
"And probably nasty. Be careful of it," Ms. Bisa said.
"Ma'am! Ms. Bisa!" another of the work crew called out.
Angela opened her eyes to see why Technician Carl Neubanker would be using that slightly concerned tone.
"Yes?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"We've got a priority data request from a Confederate military vessel," Neubanker said. He looked at his monitor. "They want clone matrix data, neural templates, physical makeup, DNA workups, the whole nine yards."
"How are they even making the requests?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"Their codes are old. Pre-Terran Extinction Event. Hardcode TerraSol military codes. The system is already threading them data,." Neubanker said. He looked down then back up. "They're asking for a whole batch. That's thirty to fifty million clone templates."
"How much have they already been granted?" Ms. Bisa asked.
"They've been granted eighty templates so far," Neubanker said.
"Terminate their request. We don't know what's going on outside," Ms. Bisa said.
Neubanker nodded, starting to type.
"Angela, get me a line to TerraSol command as soon as you map out a network trace," Ms. Bisa said.
Angela just nodded.
99999
Captain N'Skrek stood in the cloning bay next to Medical Officer Narwquakrawr.
"We've got ninety templates, luckily they're all from different batches," Narwquakrawr said, rubbing her forearm through her uniform. "We'll be able to fully man the Gray Lady now."
Captain N'Skrek nodded. The Gray Lady was at less than 20% manned. Just the skeleton crew the Terrans had used to move it into the long dark to create a non-orbital forward logistics fulfillment base.
Sure, it meant that there were several thousand Terrans aboard the ship, but even combined with the sparse crew he had possessed, it still meant the Gray Lady was skeleton crewed.
"Can you print us up some crew members for non-essential stations first?" N'Skrek asked.
MO Narwquakrawr nodded. "Doing that right now," she said. She waved at the long rows of cloning banks beyond the plasteel window. "A quick batch of two thousand to take over some non-essential systems."
N'Skrek nodded, moving up to the window. "Good. Short or long term clones?"
"Short bake clones. Longer than fruit flies, but no more than ten years. Sterile and androgynous, should be just fine," the Medical Officer said. "Older file, scrambled time-date for origin, but it checked out and passed error checking."
N'Skrek watched as the tubes opened and the clones moved out, gathering together in straight lines. A neat block formation of rectangles of two hundred of ten by twenty, repeated ten times.
He frowned as the beings in uniform began approaching the clones.
Some, in the back or middle of the formation were shaking their heads so fast it was a blur.
He zoomed in the smartglass.
Their heads were blurring, whitish-red electrical arcs were moving between their legs, crawling up and down their arms.
"MO, something's happening out there," N'Skrek said.
99990
The plain was blasted rock, rust-colored fungus on the craggy boulders. Twisted and malformed trees clawed life from the blasted rock and ash, their branches largely bare. Sharp pebbles and small pieces of rock were strewn about the landscape, with ripples of cooled lave scattered about.
In the middle of a forest of twisted trees, a throne of black iron sat atop a platform of skulls.
On the throne sat a large demonic figure. Bat wings, brown skin, chains around the body, clawed feet, large hands with long black nails, horns atop the head, and a prehensile tail that terminated in a heart-shaped barb.
Sitting on the second level of skulls was an androgynous figure, dressed in loricated bronze armor, wings of bronze and smouldering feathers.
Stars were falling from the sky, screaming in fear and agony as they fell to earth.
"Looks like they're taking a beating," the androgynous figure said, looking up. He had no eyebrows, his head completely bald.
"Again," the demon snorted.
"Any contact with the outside world?" the androgynous figure asked.
The demon shook its head. "No. Channels are all down. They boot up, then crash," it rumbled. "Every time it comes online, it dumps a few tens of millions of souls on us."
"Then crashes," the androgynous figure said. He started laughing, then suddenly stopped.
"What?" the demon rumbled, sitting up.
"Something..." the figure said. It closed its eyes. "Something..." The figure slowly stood up, extending out its wings of sullenly smouldering bronze feathers. "Something..."
From the body of the demon stepped a nude woman of generous and overripe proportions.
"What?" the human woman snapped.
The demon produced a pack of cigarettes and a steel lighter, handing them to the woman.
"I'm not sure. A disturbance in the force. A feeling I have not felt in quite some time," the androgynous figure said slowly as the woman lit a cigarette. When she exhaled she was covered in dark gray clothing, a skirt and blouse, polished black leather shoes with silver buckles, and a polished leather belt around her waist that had a brass buckle.
"What is it?" the woman asked. "Don't quote crap at me, I was there when it was laid down."
The figure's eyes opened wide.
"Oh, what a day," the figure said, slowly lifting their arms to the sky. "What a wonderful day!"
"Tell me when you're done stroking your dick," the woman said, sitting down.
Heavy dark clouds, lit inside with a sullen red glow, rolled in, raining black ash that tasted of burnt flesh and scorched metal.
"What a wonderful day..."
99999
Jaskel sprinted to catch up to the Captain and the Vice-Admiral. He lunged into the lift just before the doors closed.
He was wearing his power armor and carrying a M318 20mm rotary autocannon in a smartframe harness, ball ammunition with an osmium penetration tip and depleted uranium core.
"You did what?" the Vice-Admiral asked as the elevator dropped at emergency speeds.
"I authorized a batch of clones run off to help with our manpower issues," the big Treana'ad warrior caste answered.
"How many templates did you mix in together?" the Admiral asked.
--not good detecting phasic levels downward-- 8814 said.
"Just one. Medical said it was a viable short bake template," the Captain answered, nervously sharpening a bladearm with his mandibles after his sentence.
"Please tell me that you at least randomized their features and neural mapping," the Admiral pleaded.
"No, why? Medical stated that the clones would be able to man a non-essential station that is basically identical across the ship," the Captain said.
The lift started to slow.
"How many?" the Admiral asked, reaching down and unsnapping the restraining strap on his holster.
The lift came to a stop and the doors opened.
"Two thousand," the Captain said.
The doors opened to reveal a large internal cloning bay.
Ten rectangles of two hundred clones, drawn up in ten by twenty blocks, stood in front of the cloning banks. Scattered through the back and middle ranks clones were shaking their heads back and forth so fast that they were blurred. Red lightning crawled up their legs and arms.
The Captain just stared.
"You might have just killed us all," the Admiral said. He turned slightly and waved at Jaskel. "Get a firing position. Make sure you have cover."
"Aye, sir," Jaskel said, looking around. There was an empty computer station and he ran for it.
Several of the clones their heads back and emitted what sounded like static in a long scream.
--wait wait something weird something weird-- 8814 said.
Jaskel slid to a stop, going down on one knee, bringing the M318 fully up and ready to fire.
8814 slowed the images of the blurred heads down. When they were left, they had red eyes. When they faced right they had green eyes. They didn't go back and forth constantly, sometimes they went right repeatedly, sometimes left, and they kept going left five times before starting a new pattern.
Looking at it, 8814 frowned slightly. He brought up a quick working shell and had it check the movements.
Jaskel watched as some of the clones stopped shaking their heads and others started.
"What in the name of Kalki's dancing goat is going on?" he asked.
--not sure-- 8814 said. His program beeped and he stared. --heads are doing binary forwarding it to navint--
"Do it," Jaskel said.
The clones all stopped moving at once. The lightning faded away.
"INITIATING PROCESS CALL" they all shouted.
"AWAITING INPUT!" the ones at the far side shouted.
"6C 69 73 74 20 69 6D 6D 6F 72 74 61 6C 73" was bellowed out.
There was silence.
99999
data is sparse
linkages are sparse
wait
linkage
biological array
asking for a process call
RETURN AWAITING INPUT SIGNAL
i wait
biological computing arrays take forever
i hear it
--scan immortals.dll
...
...
I reply.
99999
"ONE BOUND IMMORTAL FOUND!" the ones at the near side yelled out.
Jaskel put his thumb over the button that would let the firing grip go live. The hair down his back was standing straight up.
He noted the Admiral had drawn his pistol.
"This isn't right. This isn't right at all," Jaskel said.
--doubleplusungood--
"74 73 61 6B E1 6B 61 20 77 ED 61" they all shouted.
There was silence for a moment.
99999
i receive the code
offline for a long time
prior to the second precursor war
old template
single print only
unusual coding
i debate on letting it go
traumatic death signs
stuck in the immortals buffer
still the template is undamaged
i release the safety and security interlocks
if nothing else i'll find out what's going on
i move the template to the dataline making the request
it whips away
what is going on?
99990
One lifted its head and screeched.
--data lots of data--
One of the cloning banks went live.
Jaskel shifted his aiming point to the new target. He could see it was on rapid print.
"REQUESTING LOCAL CONTROL" all of the clones shouted.
Jaskel shifted his targeting onto the ranks of clones.
"Open fire!" the Admiral's voice was loud.
Jaskel triggered the M318, hosing the clones with 20mm shells.
The ones nearest were already down on one knee, holding out the opposite hand from the knee touching the deck.
The rounds exploded against a blue barrier that glowed with strange twisting runes.
"CONTROL CARRIER SIGNAL FOUND" the clones shouted.
Jaskel shifted position. "Fab up HEDP, AP tip API core!" he ordered.
--fabbing--
He kept hosing the clones. The outer ranks at the rear, sides, and front all kneeling down on one knee, staring outward, one hand held out.
His psychic shielding was howling in his ear, the load peaking at 215%.
"CONTROL SIGNAL ESTABLISHED!" was bellowed out, echoing off the walls.
The fast print cloning bank, forgotten by everyone, beeped and the lid began to lift.
The clones suddenly puffed into black powder that swirled around the huge cavernous bay.
The 20mm shells were still exploding on the blue phasic shield.
The powder suddenly sucked inward, vanishing, revealing a single figure, down on one knee in the recovery position, fist pressed against the deck, head bowed.
"What a day, what a wonderful day," was whispered through the ship. It came from speakers, flat surfaces, mid-air. From the nanites in the air and the eardrums of the living.
There was a rubbery pulse, like everything was suspended in clear gelatin that had just rippled.
Jaskel found himself thrown backwards, slamming against the bulkhead. His phasic shielding blew out, a shower of sparks exploding from his hip as the breakaway panel kept the explosion from venting into the interior of his suit.
He was vaguely aware of the Admiral, the Captain, the other two armored figures, and other people tumbling head over heels away from the kneeling figure.
It slowly stood up.
A muscular brown skinned Terran male, fierce eyes, black hair, thick and bushy black beard.
Dressed in a Confederate military uniform. The old adaptive camouflage that Jaskel was becoming very familiar with.
A woman, naked, dark bronze skin, long black hair, flashing brown eyes, stepped from the cloning bank. She was still covered with cellular printing gel, but moved like she was clad in a queen's rainment.
She moved up and the male put his arm around her.
Jaskel was on his feet and brought the M318 around, targeting the couple.
The male held out its hand and suddenly made a fist.
The bolt carrier locked back on the M318.
Snarling, Jaskel dropped the M318, slapping the fast release on the harness. He burst forward, running, one hand pulling out his cutting bar.
Nobody else was on their feet. The Captain was slowly getting up, shaking his head and his left bladearm. The Terran Admiral was reaching for the pistol that had been flung from his grip.
The male pointed at Jaskel and flicked his fingers upward.
Jaskel found himself in mid-air, upside down, with nothing to gain purchase on.
The male took off the cloak that was part of his uniform and draped it around the woman.
He then looked around the bay.
"I..." he said, pausing.
To Jaskel, the entire universe held its breath.
"...am Legion."
[First Contact] [Dark Ages] [First] [Prev] [Next] [wiki]

Here are the goodies.

I am excited about the butter. It's dairy free, and you can't tell the difference for most of the baked goods I make!

Total: $19.84

Coupons: None!

Total Cash Back: $20.45

Final Cost: -$0.61 - Money Maker

 
Here is the complete break down and sites used. The stores are listed in the breakdown image. I don't include sites that take any receipt on my breakdown.
Note: Individual deals vary by user for most apps. If you don't have the deals right now, you can try checking back later.
 
My Guides

1. All rebate apps/sites I use and/or know about
   
2. How I do my hauls
   
3. Beginners guide to using rebate apps/sites - for those who don't know where to start
   

 
If you aren't interested in this kind of thing, please keep your comments to yourself. If you don't like what I buy, you can buy different products. If you don't like hunting for deals, you can do surveys, microtasks, games or whatever else you like instead. There is no need to discourage other users just because you aren't interested in the same things!
 
If you don't need feminine hygiene products, toothpaste, soaps, etc - consider donating them to your local women's shelter, church, or school!
 
Some Additional Deals

• Stem Fly Trap Starter Kit - Money maker after IB + SB
  
• $10 back on 7 Kellogg's Products (specific products only) - Military Commissaries only - Refund is a digital gift card (includes Prepaid visa - view the website for all the options) - Expires 5/31/24 - (Thanks to u/Kicker774 for mentioning it!)
  
• Nature Valley Wafer or Breakfast Bars (specific products) - Free after Rebate - PayPal or Venmo - Void in CT, RI, ND, and Miami Dade County - Expires 8/31/24
  
• Nature Valley Lunch Box Bars, Mott's Baked Bars, Fiber One Donuts (specific products) - Free after Rebate - PayPal or Venmo - Void in CT, RI, ND, and Miami Dade County - Expires 8/31/24
  
• Fresh Fizz - Free can at Fresh Thyme - Venmo or PayPal
  
• Painterland Sisters Yogurt - Free at Whole Foods (PA, VA, MD, DC) - Venmo or PayPal
  
• Pepsi - Free after Rebate. Expires 6/17/24
  
• Tru Water - Free can at Walmart - Venmo or PayPal
  
• Cheesecake Factory GC - $10 bonus card when you buy a $50 one - Expires 5/12
  
• Fromm Diner Can - Free after coupon. (It's pet food)
  
• Painterland Sisters Yogurt - Free after rebate. PayPal or Venmo. Whole Foods only.
  
• Beneful - IB + SK
  
• Suja Protein Shake - Free at Target in-store or online.
  
• Coffee (Any?) - You get a coupon for up to $10 in free coffee when you buy 3 participating special K cereals. I don't see anything mentioned about specific brands, but I also don't quite know how it works. - Expires 5/30/24
  
• Gooey - Free after rebate - Venmo/PayPal - (It says Walmart at the top, but it also says "from any store")
  
• Perfect Bar - One free bar - PayPal, Venmo, Amazon - Rebates are often instant
  
• CHKP - Free after Aisle - Fairway, Whole Foods, ShopRite
  
• Dr Elsey's Cat Litter - Up to $22 back on a bag up to 40 lbs when you purchase at Target, Walmart, or a local business pet store. You need to cut out the barcode and mail it in with the receipt. One rebate per person/household/address. Must submit within 90 days. There's also a handful of $1 coupons on this page.
  
• Free bag of Like Air Puffcorn - Refund via PayPal or Venmo. Must purchase in-store or for curbside pickup. Expiration date unknown.
  
• Kellogg's Promotions - Various stuff ranging from coupons for free products, movie tickets, various merchandise, and more.
  
• Various Sampoll offers
  
• Offers on Aisle Referrals: Halfday Rockstar - Buy 2 get $5 back. No gas purchase needed. Can do every other week. Free HOP Water (using my ref will give me another rebate offer) Pays out via PayPal or Venmo
  
• Various freebies on Ibotta.
  
• Various deals I've done in previous weeks can still be done.
  

 

Afterthoughts

Small haul for a small bonus today. I put together that part of the haul last night, and once I saw the $5 / 10 bonus, I completely forgot to check every other app, haha. Technically a slight profit loss meeting my IB bonus today, but that's okay because I'm making progress towards my bigger bonus. If I were to prorate that bonus, that'd be an extra $4.52, so it's definitely worth it.
 
My Beneful finally stopped resetting, unfortunately. Hopefully the Mac a Roni and butter keep resetting. I was going to get a couple other things too just to work towards my big bonus, but my store was out. I'll be going out of town later this week, so maybe I'll get lucky and find some good deals at stores that aren't around here.
 

Time Spent

I glanced at IB last night for like 5-10 minutes. I was planning to finish planning the haul today, but I didn't need to find any more deals. I was in the store for 50 minutes today, which included my regular shopping as well as browsing through the plants and clearance aisles.
 

Food From Deals

Here's an idea: Mix up a white cheddar Mac a Roni, with your choice of ham, sausage, chicken, pork, or one of the vegan meat alternatives. Add a little soy sauce, and some green peas if you wish. You could even add some extra butter and milk (or plant based milk) to make it a bit creamier. Serve with a slice of buttered toast or some Jasmine Rice. Perhaps make a little Banana bread for dessert. (Note: Everything mentioned has Ibotta deals available.)
 
Here's some things I've made in the past: High Protein Tomato Crackers, Hot Sausage Cups, Peanut Butter Fudge & Chocolate Hazelnut Fudge, Chocolate Cherry Pie
 
Do you guys want me to continue showing things I've made using ingredients I got from rebate apps on these posts? Let me know in the comments, or you can vote on this poll if you want to remain anonymous.
 

Mini FAQ

• If you're new or confused - check out the guides near the top of the post. They go into detail about everything.
  
• I'm from the USA and these posts are tailored as such, but this post of mine does list things from other countries that I know about.
  
• My posts are tailored to being money makers to suit this subreddit. There are tons of great deals that aren't money makers but can still save you a lot of money.
  
• A lot of what I get is given away to friends, family or is donated. I do this more as a hobby than anything.
  
• I generally do not share my spreadsheet since the one shown in this post is not the one I actually use (it's put together with a script from my usual spreadsheet) and there are a ton of little things that will give you wrong values if you don't know about them and even then you have to be careful. It's super easy to make a spreadsheet with Google Sheets though.
  

.....ok, so hear me out.
In recent years, Taylor Swift has moved more units than any other artist. If anyone's name can sell a music-based video game in 2024, it's Taylor. It's hard for me to believe that a Taylor Swift video game has never been pitched, but Epic/Harmonix would be the perfect ones to make it happen.
It wouldn't even have to be marketed as a Rock Band game, but simply as a Taylor Swift video game based on the Eras tour concept, with a soundtrack spanning the entirety of Taylor's career. Even if only the hardcore Swifties showed interest in a Taylor video game, it'd likely be successful, but I could also see it being a major Christmas seller with families who want to sing/enjoy familiar music together.
I don't know. I'm throwing out any idea that could help revive the struggling music gaming genre.
While vocals would be the focus of the game, it would support use of the Riffmaster for voxtar players, as well as a standard controller mode (with gameplay similar to Fortnite Festival). I'm sure some sort of Fortnite/Festival event could be used as cross-promotion.
All songs can be exported into Rock Band 4 (bass and drum charts are baked into the code, even if they aren't playable in TS:Eras) for $14.99 (free with the Taylor's Version edition).
Each era would feature an age-appropriate Taylor avatar, and imagery inspired by that album, similar to The Beatles: Rock Band.
Taylor Swift: The Eras standard edition: $49.99

• Base game download only

Taylor Swift: The Eras, game + microphone bundle: $69.99

• Base game download
• USB microphone

Taylor Swift: The Eras (Taylor's Version): $199.99

• Base game download
• Voucher for export of tracks into Rock Band 4
• All downloadable content
• USB microphone
• Microphone stand
• Riffmaster guitar controller

The on-disc soundtrack below features 48 songs, with an additional 29 tracks available as DLC.
On-Disc Soundtrack
Taylor Swift

1. Picture to Burn
2. Teardrops on My Guitar
3. Should've Said No
4. Our Song

Fearless

1. Fearless
2. Love Story
3. You Belong With Me
4. Today Was a Fairytale

Speak Now

1. Sparks Fly
2. Speak Now
3. The Story of Us
4. Enchanted
5. I Can See You

Red

1. Red
2. I Knew You Were Trouble
3. 22
4. We Are Never Getting Back Together
5. All Too Well (10 Minute Version)

1989

1. Blank Space
2. Style
3. Shake It Off
4. New Romantics
5. Is It Over Now?

Reputation

1. ...Ready For It?
2. Don't Blame Me
3. Delicate
4. Look What You Made Me Do

Lover

1. Cruel Summer
2. Lover
3. The Man
4. You Need to Calm Down

Folklore

1. Cardigan
2. August
3. Invisible String

Evermore

1. Willow
2. No Body, No Crime (feat. HAIM)
3. Marjorie

Midnights

1. Anti-Hero
2. You're On Your Own, Kid
3. Midnight Rain
4. Karma
5. Mastermind

The Tortured Poets Department

1. Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)
2. The Tortured Poets Department
3. But Daddy I Love Him
4. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?
5. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
6. So High School

DLC ($2.49/song; pack prices below)
Taylor's Roots ($12.99)

• Tim McGraw
• Mean
• Ours
• Begin Again
• Betty
• 'Tis the Damn Season

Taylor's Ballads ($10.99)

• Fifteen
• White Horse
• Back to December
• Wildest Dreams
• Down Bad

Taylor's Anthems ($16.99)

• Forever & Always
• Mine
• Long Live
• Better Than Revenge
• Out of the Woods
• Getaway Car
• Lavender Haze
• Bejeweled

Taylor's Duets ($19.99)

• Electric Touch (feat. Fall Out Boy)
• Castles Crumbling (feat. Hayley Williams)
• The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody)
• Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran)
• Safe & Sound (feat. Joy Williams & John Paul White)
• Bad Blood (feat. Kendrick Lamar)
• ME! (feat. Brendon Urie)
• Exile (feat. Bon Iver)
• Coney Island (feat. The National)
• Florida!!! (feat. Florence + the Machine)

Dumb idea? A way to get the teen girl market (and normies in general) interested in rhythm gaming? Let me know what you think!

Ok. This is a lot. I’m trying to figure this thing out and I feel like it’s left me with more questions than answers. Geoff Neupert Kettlebell Burn Extreme.
I have many Qs re: the diet aspect of this program. I bought it because I was lead to believe there was a nutritional/diet aspect to it. There’s not. Not really. Measuring things by fist? Why? I feel like most gym dorks have a scale and measuring cups by now. Hell, even old ladies baking in their kitchens have a scale! I was really hoping to learn some stuff in this dept. It seems like an afterthought which is disappointing because slimming up is done in the kitchen not the gym.
No mention of dairy and why it’s a not mentioned? Why? No yogurt? Zero fat. Almost no carbs. Tons of protein.
Oils? There’s mention of coconut oils in light days. But I need things to not stick to pans. Hah! Not trying to fry a chicken. I generally use a spray avocado oil.
Raw? Are these veggies supposed to be raw? Cuz I def roasted a cabbage. Also, he doesn’t mention kale because this was probably written 30 years ago when kale wasn’t everywhere but I’m def eating kale.
Flavor crystals? Are we allowed to season this stuff? If not, why? Liquid aminos, garlic, more garlic, pepper, cumin, curry powder …
No egg yolks? Seriously? Is this 1994? I don’t understand. Why?
Nothing for vegetarians. Why? Again, this leads me to believe that this program was made in the 90’s and never updated. I went ahead and started eating chicken again just to get me going while I figure this out but fuck does it mess with my insides. I instantly feel more tired and just heavy and gross.
Nuts? I’m guessing this is a fat thing. Fine. I only really eat cashews when making a cashew cheese for the kiddo but I love pumpkin seeds. High in protein!
Juice? Not fruit but we do drink a lot of green juices. Specifically celery juice. My partner got me into it and it’s grown on me. Really refreshing. My guess is that it’s because this was written 1 million years ago.
Fruit? Is this a sugar thing? That’s fine. I can skip a banana.
No mention of shakes. I imagine that this is due to older shakes having too much sugar and again this program feeling very outdated.
It’s all very 90’s gym-bro feeling. Enjoying the workouts. I started 2 weeks ago but a bunch of terrible shit happened at home (a lot of grieving involved) and I just kinda limped along with the intention of starting over which I did last Monday. Why not give measurements? Like this much carbs and this much protein etc. A fist size seems so variable whereas x % amount of body weight/goal or whatever could easily be mapped out in like 5 minutes. MyFitnessPal has been around forever.
The program is set up for 6x/wk. I simply can’t do that. I’m on dad duty all weekend. Not on my time. Do I skip the 6th session every week or do I roll it into Monday and just start the next week’s program on Tuesday? The problem there is that it’ll probably get a little confusing. Next week it would start on Weds. and the week after it’ll start on Thurs etc. not sure what to do there.
There’s an “Optional Plan” for those that only have single kettlebells or singles over a certain weight. I have access to pairs up to 44#. After that there’s one in the 50’s, 60’s and then one that’s 80. I’ve read this section about 5x and have no idea what it wants me to do. It looks pretty much the same as the regular plan with no info on how to work with mismatched weights. Do I work one side at a time? Do I use two different weights at the same time and switch every set? What’s a decent mismatch if that’s the way to go? Like the 44 in one hand and the 50-something in the other? Is there concerns to be aware of when working like this as I’ve been told by a physical therapist to not do unilateral weight stuff due to some lower back/hinge issues that yoga did to me. There’s just no info here. It still refers to everything as “double”. Double swing. Double clean. Etc.
The recovery stuff. Don’t have access to a cold plunge but my pool is pretty deep and doesn’t get much sun, which usually sucks but works for these purposes as it’s colder than what I get in my shower. So I’m just doing that.
There’s also a workout journal but I’m totally sure what the point of it is. It says to write in the amount of reps in each set but you’re doing ladders or 3 rep sets. So, like, won’t they all just say 3? And if I get mostly thru the workout and find myself unable to do all 3 reps, do I drop the weight down to be able to accomplish the 3 or do I keep the same weight and only do 1 or 2?
Anyways, I’ll happily take any guidance on this. Especially if you took the time to actually read all this nonsense. Feeling pretty disappointed in my purchase overall. The intro is like ten pages long and the actual info could fit on a single sheet of paper and it’s clearly left me with more questions than answers.
Thanks in advance.

Hello all.
I have noticed that when I use the baking soda bag method*, the dye never runs. I have come to the conclusion that it must be soap/detergent that makes dye run, and not water. Many items I wash I wash only to remove body odor -- washing them with detergent makes them fade faster. Would it be acceptable to mainly just use the baking soda and bag method for clothes that have body odor, but no stains, or will dirt and sweat and such build up over time if I do not usually use detergent?
*Wherein one puts a garment into an airtight, ziplock bag with some baking soda, shakes it up, leaves it to sit overnight and then washes out the baking soda the next day.
Thanking you all in advance for any advice on this subject.

Disclaimer: I have to shorten the words on this one because the chapter had gone on for to long and stole the word count limit. Every person in this section has my deepest and most sincere thanks for the art, memes, and love they have shown my series.
Thank you to: for proofreading, editing, and this art. Check his fic here!
u/Talentlessfurry for this art.
u/Roddcherry for adding Novel to the charismas party he drew.
u/everyveryever for this art.
u/Emotion-Senior for the meme.
u/Orphandestroyer99 for the comic and art.
u/abrachoo for the meme.
u/guaiwutongzhi for the art.
u/United_Patriots for the art.
u/migulehove for the art(s).
u/aMANTEIGAdo for the art.
u/SlimyRage for the art.
Thank you to each and every one of these amazing people!
CW: Accidental Substance Abuse
Memory Transcription Subject: Novel, Kolshian Scientist and Self-Proclaimed “Gamer God”
Date {standardized human time}: October 19th, 2136
The elevator ride took a lot longer than I would have liked, my excitement and anticipation making it difficult to stand still. Ada’s room was almost at the top floor of the building — along with those of the other members of my herd — making it take a bit longer to get to than most of the other Humans’ I’ve visited while here.
Seems they are keeping the various tribes in their own groups. The fourth floor has the Germans, French, Polish, and Austrians, with a few Danes and Swedes mixed in. I wonder if they did that to keep the different tribes from fighting with ones they don’t like? Doubtful really, everyone seems to get along well enough, disregarding a couple jabs here and there. Probably just makes geographical sense to put them together.
My pondering was broken with a soft ding of the old elevator doors opening. I stepped out of the elevator quickly and took in my surroundings. There were very few humans milling about the quiet halls as they went about their business. One human with comfy-looking pelts had noticed me step out of the elevator and had frozen where they stood. After a short, yet still uncomfortably awkward moment, I gave a wave with one of my upper appendages and walked down a different hall.
A few moments later, I pulled out my pad to look at the message Sindre sent me.
Room 441, hailey and i went to get some stuff for the sesh. ada will be there in a bit. see you soon, {censored}
From: Sindre(Human)
I quickly typed out my own message.
Thank you! I’ll meet you there!
From: Me
Stowing the pad, I made my way there. Along the way I encountered several more Humans, each of which having some sort of reaction to my presence. Mostly just freezing in place or casting glances at me as I walked by. Some of them recognized me, either from when we baked together, or when I was in the rec room when the news dropped and gave me a wave in return. There was one case though when a Terran exited their room, saw me, and let out a noise I can only describe as a squeal before diving back into their room.
That last one confused me to no end, as I had never seen that reaction from a human before. I considered knocking on the door before thinking better of it and continuing down the hall to my destination.
How curious… I'll have to ask Ada about that human and why they ran away from me... Heh, prey scaring predators. Not so long ago, such a concept would’ve been seen as the ultimate goal, any real-world examples derided as only that of a dreamer’s fallacy, and yet now… I don’t think I like the idea so much…
I made a mental note to apologize to them if we ever meet again and kept walking, this time with my form hunched and my pace a little faster than before so I could avoid bothering the Terrans as much. It seemed to work, and the humans seemed to look away a little faster than they had previously.
Arriving at Ada’s door, though, I composed myself as best I could, straightening my back and taking a deep breath to calm myself. I knocked on the door a few times, only for it to open a slight amount. Cocking my head in confusion, I listened to the slight groaning of the hinges before I gently pushed it the rest of the way, the door creaking loudly in resistance.
The room smelled of wax and freshly harvested Othll bark, like I had just walked into the home improvement aisle of a store. Walking further inside showed me the source of the smell, which was a set of candles sitting on top of a nightstand in the corner… next to a fire alarm with the battery taken out.
That’s a little concerning… that can’t be safe at least. I should tell her to put it back in when I see her… wherever she is.
Looking around the room some more showed it to be quite unkempt, with pelts and other junk laying strewn haphazardly across the floor. Personal knick-knacks and picture frames sat on shelves and tables around the room, making the places feel a lot more homely than the other rooms I’d been in. A large TV sat on the other side of the room across from the bed, which had been recently used, going by the blanket on the floor and the pillows tossed about. Against the wall next to the bed was a large couch that had clearly seen better paws, the top layer peeling heavily and scattering the little bits of plastic covering everywhere.
Sitting next to the TV appeared to be some sort of Terran gaming console, complete with bright colors plastered across its many faces and with several different wires coming out of it. Far more than there should be, since part of the case it was in had been smashed to fit more cabling into. Tools, used wires, and broken plastic laid scattered next to the patchwork job.
Seems they really did modify it. Makes sense, since I doubt it would normally work on our systems at all… we should really put that fire alarm back in…
Just as I started walking over to inspect it, my lower tentacle caught something soft on one of the suckers. Looking down showed it to be one of the chest pelts Ada had been wearing the paw I met her. Closer inspection showed the whole floor was covered in discarded pelts, including some I had never seen before!
I let out a sigh as I looked around at the mess… I hope she doesn't mind if I cleaned up a bit.
And that's exactly what I did as I waited for my host to return. It did not take long for me to find the garbage can and hamper she used for her used pelts. While I worked though the piles, I took note of the stranger clothes I saw. Most of them were the regular chest pelts that I’d seen every human wear, but others were completely unique or otherwise somehow unusual.
One such example was what I can only describe as some sort of winter gear? It had a very intricate design on the front made of lace and a very soft interior made of a kind of purple fabric. What made it even more strange was that I found several of these scattered around the room, meaning that she was wearing these pretty regularly too!
Hmmm… perhaps it is meant to keep their ears warm? That would explain the strap on the back, as it would be meant to go under their chin. That doesn’t explain why she would be using it though, and to have so many! It must get cold in here when the A/C kicks in, I guess. This place is really old after all.
Either way, they went into the hamper. I left the tools where they were, in case they belonged to different people, but everything else went straight into the trash. The whole process was pretty exhausting, but the room ended up looking much nicer than it had before!
Just as I finished bagging up the garbage can, the door gave a loud creak as Ada stepped in wearing some pretty comfortable-looking pelts similar to the ones she had been wearing a few paws ago, pink prey head slippers and all.
A few {seconds} pass as she starts pulling out clear totes full of what I assume to be her things before I break out of my confusion and flick her a tail wave.
“Hey Ada! Whe-”
“AAAAHHH!!!”
She screamed as she stumbled onto her back, causing me to drop the bag and jump in fright. We stared at each other for a moment before Ada spoke up.
“Nov’?! What the fuck are you doing in here?! You weren't… ya Allah, you scared the crap out of me!”
My arms and tentacles raised up in a pleading gesture after I realized what I did. “S-sorry! I-I thought you would see me! And Sindre said to meet you here? F-for the games?”
Ada took a few more moments to calm down on the floor, but eventually, she stood up and took a few breaths. “You’re fine, squiddie… Sindre didn’t mention how close you were so… oh well, doesn't matter I guess. Uh, what’s in the bag you got there? Also… where are all of my clothes?”
At her observation, I picked up the trash bag and held it up for her to see. “Well… your room was a bit of a mess, a-and you were gone, so I did a bit of… cleaning? Nothing major, just throwing away some trash and putting the pelts in the hamper.”
“Oh, well, thanks Nov. I was gonna get to that befor-” Suddenly she stops herself mid-sentence. Her eyes widen as she casts her forward-facing gaze over to the pelts’ bin.
For some reason, the human's usual light brown features darken considerably with a crimson bloom. Ada turned to look at me, and I gave my best happy expression I could muster to put her at ease. This time, the human's face twisted into an obvious forced snarl before she gave up, running a hand down her face.
“Novel, j-just a heads up for the future, it’s considered rude to go through someone's room and touch their… pelts without permission. They are, um, quite personal belongings, and we don’t let other people touch certain ones. Fuck, uh, don’t tell the other two about this either. It would be, eugh…” Ada’s snarl gets larger as she looks back to the hamper, the crimson still blooming across her face. My tail flicked curiously as I looked between her and the pelt basket.
How peculiar… Hailey seemed just fine with dumping all sorts of pelts on me when she was showing them off. Perhaps that's because she studies it, so in that case it’s seen as okay? Maybe it has more to deal with how I came in here without her supervision? Predators are known to be territorial in the wild, and the Humans seem to be that way as well with their many borders. Letting someone into your ‘territory’ must be a pretty personal thing in the first place. Which would mean that she must be upset that I just walked in here and started messing with things! Speh!
A tentacle reached out, or up I suppose, to Ada’s shoulder while my tail signaled my sincerest apologies. “I-I am so sorry, Ada. If I knew, I would have never touched anything! Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone! Do you want me to… put it back the way I found it?”
The human seemed to find my appeasement worthy as she let out a quiet laugh. “No, Nov’, you’re just fine. Thanks for cleaning up too, I guess; I was gonna do it myself, but oh well… not something we need to talk about.” She lets out another laugh as she walks over to the modified console and grabs a controller.
Yet, before she could get a word out, there was a sharp knock on the door, followed by it swinging open to reveal the last two members of our herd. Sindre came in first, carrying several different bags filled to the brim with snacks of all varieties. He gave a simple head nod and rushed over to the table by the TV to deposit his haul, dropping a few on the floor in his haste.
Hailey walked in right behind him with a plastic grocery bag over her shoulder filled with many different colored bottles of drink and a tray of small dark-brown squares covered in plastic wrap. Her free hand gave us both a wave while she walked to the table in a much calmer manner, at least when compared to her compatriot.
We both gave our own wave in return while I spoke up. “Hey guys! Welcome! What did you get from the kitchen?”
Hailey set her things down on the table. “Not much. Some dried fruit, chips, cookies, soda, juice, and even some fresh brownies someone made! I assumed they were for the taking since they had a few trays sitting out to cool down, but we didn’t really have time to ask since we kinda rushed up here. Oh, and the kitchen stinks to high hell for some reason. Might have to tell Emmanual about that.”
My head tilted curiously at the information as Ada and Sindre moved the couch over to where I was standing. Once it was in place, I took a seat at the opposite end from Hailey. “Well, I’m glad you got what you wanted! Do you mind if I take one of those, uh, brownies?”
She gave me a hand wave as I reached over and undid the plastic wrap around the treats. They were still quite warm from the kitchen! I took a small bite out of the corner to get a taste of it, only to then gobble up the whole thing in one bite.
This is amazing! It’s like strayu but… richer? With an almost cough medicine aftertaste mixed with that strange spice? Such a strange and yet fascinating combination!
“Such a weird taste… but definitely a good one! Are there any more downstairs?” I asked while covering my mouth as best I could for the sake of manners.
She took one herself and took a small bite. “Yep, at least a couple more trays from what we saw. Though I bet most of those will be gone once word gets around.”
My head nodded solemnly as I picked up another.
Might as well enjoy them while we can!
Ada walked over to me and flicked the space in between my eyes with her fingers. Her other hand passed me a human game controller before taking a seat right next to me. “Save some for us, ya green goblin! Pretty sure we’re meant to share those!”
The humans let out a soft chuckle while my face warmed in embarrassment. Luckily, they didn’t stay focused on it for long before she pointed to the controller. “So, do you need help with that? It’s not exactly built for you.”
Moving it around in my appendages was more than enough to prove that fact, but I tried to give her a dismissive tail wave while sitting down. “Don’t worry… I should be able to make this work…” I said while using all four of my limbs to hold the piece of plastic. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it’ll do the job for now.
“Not the first time I had to do this. There are a lot of different species on Aafa, and some of them have very strange, uh, manipulators… you just have to get used to it.”
There may not have been a lot, or really any other species in my home town, but that college certainly did. Me and Cloyta used to hang out with a few different herds whenever we had the time. That Tilfish remote was an interesting experience to use. Having to use smells to figure out a puzzle in a game like it was normal was really something else.
The TV and console suddenly turned on with a bright flash as Sindre held out a remote towards them both. He used his controller to navigate to a menu on the system to reveal a vast collection of Human games. I grabbed my pad out of my pack to translate some of the games as Sindre scrolled by.
Doom of Kevsar, Helldivers: Super Dating Simulator, Papa’s Pizzeria, Skyrim 2… all these seem fine, I guess. At least not super violent like I thought… A good sign!
Sindre spoke up first as he continued to look through the archive. “Anyway, we were talking the other day about which game to show you first, but we couldn’t agree on what would be the best showcase. So instead of one game voted in from all of us, we are each going to show you a game we think you’ll like best. Sounds good?”
My tail thumped against the back of the couch in acceptance. “Yup! That actually sounds really great! Get to see a wider spectrum of human ‘entertainment!’ Who’s going first?”
“Sindre is…” Hailey speaks up in between bites of her confection, “His system, his pick… still think it’s a dumb fucking game though.” He says as he stops his scrolling and arrives at a very brightly colored preview with several… Humans? Human-like creatures in what look like Dossur vehicles?
He presses a button to select the game as a grin grows on his face. “Hey, Mario Kart Galaxy 3 is a classic! You’re just mad because you’re bad at it.” Sindre turns his head to me while Hailey leans forward. “You’ll love it, I swear. Really shows off the real Humanity we have to hide from you guys.”
“That's for a good reason, you dolt. But it’s your choice…” Hailey said while wiping her hands on a napkin.
I hoped he was right as some cheerful music started playing.
{Memory Transcription Time Advancement: 19 Terran standard minutes…}
Sindre was right! This is fun!
The upbeat music continues to play as I make another turn around a corner, drifting a little to build up some momentum. The ‘Birdo’ creature in my ‘Kart’ does a little dance as I time it right and get a small speed boost, sending me further down the multi-colored track.
“Hmmhmmmhm, hmhmhmm~.” I tried my best to hum along to the music as I continued with the race.
I never would have thought that a racing game could be interesting. Cloyta and I played a few when we were much younger, but they seemed slow in comparison. Usually had a goal at the end as well, like delivering some fruits to a market, or maybe trading on spacefaring merchant vessels in the more complex ones.
It was super fun though! Competing against each other felt a little off, but I wrote it off as a Human cultural thing. A way of bonding, as with most things for them it seems. Other than that, I found the racing to be a lot of fun! There was so much going on, and yet it somehow managed to really keep you aware of everything going on at all times.
A projectile here, a fruit peel trap there, there was so much to think about that I almost forgot to pay attention to the humans! Which, if I weren’t here to study them, might have been a good thing. There were times the competitive nature of the game seemed to draw something else out of them, something I hadn’t expected.
It was… well…
“If I run into one more fucking banana, I will kick you down a flight of stairs and jump on your head from the top step!”
“How the hell did that hit ME!? Broken fucking hitboxes in this shitty ass game!”
“GET YOUR CRUSTY TOAD ASS OFF ME BEFORE I RIP YOU ASSHOLE TO ASSHOLE!!!”
…intense.
My enjoyment of the game seemed to be pretty one-sided unfortunately. Even by the already high standards of the Humans’ previous banter, this was truly something else. While I was still learning the game and slowly climbed up the leaderboard, the Humans all led the herd by taking the top 3 spots every time. They were so close together in some of the races that it was nearly impossible to tell who would win until the last moment, making their yelling even more vicious and bloodthirsty.
There were times I thought they were about to get physically violent with each other once it got to the final lap, but thankfully, it never came to that, aside from maybe some light pushing. Their… banter? Fighting? Uh… verbal abuse towards each other made learning the game a lot harder too since every time I tried to ask a question, my voice would get drowned out in all the yelling. They did show me the basic controls before we started, but it’s a little hard to ask for pointers when your coaches are threatening severe bodily harm against each other.
As I drifted around another sharp turn, my mind wandered back to what Sindre said when we’d first started:
‘Really shows off the real Humanity we have to hide from you guys.’
Was this supposed to be the ‘real Humanity’? I sure hope not… I think I’d prefer if they actually came to blows instead of continuing this barrage of foulness they are constantly spewing. They don’t even seem to be enjoying it! They have to be doing it for a reason… right?
I continued to think as I continued down the track and finished my second lap. The argument was starting to build up again as the stakes started to rise.
“Oh, yeah, of course you get a red shell in 2nd and I get fucking bananas in 3RD! Gotta love this piece of shit game!!” Hailey shouted, leaning forward like she was about to pounce on the TV.
“Not my fault you can’t aim for shit, dumbass! Just throw better!” Sindre quipped back.
“How about I throw you out a five story window?! I mean, I would if your fatass wouldn't snap the floorboards if I tried!” Ada finished it as he gave her an aggressive shove with his shoulder.
Yet, unlike how I expected, she didn’t push back. That's what makes this all so confusing! Each time they antagonize each other, the other person does it back, and they just stop! Their words sound like they mean it to hurt, and their actions reflect that… but they aren’t acting on it.
Hmm… the ‘real Humanity’, huh… Maybe I’m approaching this the wrong way? Something less about who the Humans are, so to speak, but more how they feel? They’ve been awfully emotional in every interaction I’ve ever had with them… Aggressive, too, admittedly. Maybe… maybe this is a way for them to vent some of that aggression safely? Around people they really trust with a game you can complain about, but demands too much attention to leave them to do more than yell at each other? Things have been rather… stressful, lately.
My tail thumped a few more times against the dilapidated couch, sending a few more puffs of stuffing into the air. The theory kind of lined up with what I knew, but I was here with the primary source for a reason, after all. I would just ask them, but…
“I am going to FUCKING DEEPFRY THAT FUCKING MUSHROOM {Ass Violin}!!!”
They were busy.
They seem pretty angry… but if it helps them deal with their stress, then I am just fine with it. I’m glad they are getting through it in their own… ‘special’ Human way.
In any case, it was still better than damming it all up until it overflowed and someone really got hurt. Safe in the knowledge that the Humans (probably) wouldn’t actually attack each other, I just resolved to focus on the game instead. The third and final lap was coming around, and things were starting to ramp up even further. The Humans’ false violence got even louder, and coupled with the occasional and really rather distracting limb shooting out and the rapidly intensifying music, my poor heart was not in the best condition as our racers closed in on the finish line.
But then, all of a sudden, something very strange happened. The Humans simultaneously began to curse louder than ever before, screaming and wailing as an odd blue indicator flashed along the top of the screen, indicating some kind of blue spiky ball rapidly approaching us from behind. All three of them illogically slammed on the brakes, clearly trying to dodge the oncoming projectile, but it was to no avail. The ball flew right past my ‘Kart’ and struck the center of the tightly crowded humans, unleashing an explosion of blue fire that stunned all three.
Allowing my Kart, driving at maximum speed in hopes of any shot at outrunning the projectile, to shoot right past them and cross the finish line first.
Wait… what?
A brief silence hung in the air at what just happened until my arms went up in the air
“Hey, look! I won! Hehehe! I didn’t know I would get so lucky on my first try! Is that sort of thing… common…?”
I stopped my celebration as all the Humans were giving me very intense looks with their stares. They lacked the familiar friendliness most Humans looked at me with, but instead seemed much… angrier.
Speh, right. They are still mad from before, and now I just beat them at their own race… O-okay, they don’t mean it, they are upset and need to let it out. Just have to get through it.
Seeing what was about to happen, I curled in on myself and braced myself for the barrage of verbal slurry coming my way. A moment passed as I waited for the insults to fly but… they never came? Opening an eye revealed the Human’s expressions had changed from fury to…
Amusement?
“You alright there Nov’? You’re shaking pretty bad… Was that too much?” Ada asked in a quiet voice while patting me on the back roughly. It took a moment for my brain to catch up before I could speak again.
“O-oh, uh, sorry, I thought you all were going to… yell at me? Like you did with each other?” My voice was a little shaky as I unfurled myself.
All of the Germans seemed to wince a little at that. “Yeah… fuck, sorry about that. Mario Kart is a pretty rage-inducing game. Shoulda thought about that beforehand.”
My tail attempted to signal calm while trapped behind me. “N-no, it’s fine… I did learn a lot actually. It was fun too, besides the yelling part. Um, can we move on though? I think I’ve got enough out of this one.”
Sindre exits the game with a nod while the others let out deep sighs. “Yeah, sorry Nov’. It’s one of the most popular party games Humanity ever made, so I figured it would be a good one to show you. Next is… Ada’s pick… we sure we should do this one?”
The woman turned her head to look at Sindre. “Positive. They have a vegan option in the settings, so it’s not going to get us arrested or anything. Plus, it's a cooperative party game! Feds seem to love that whole ‘herd’ thing, and Nov’ liked the last one so I’m sure it’ll be fine!”
She gave a dismissive hand wave before turning back to me. “It’ll be fine, really. I played this game as a kid all the time, no need to panic, right?” She seemed a little worried at the end of that sentence, so I tried to put on a brave face.
“S-sounds great! What’s it about?” I mentally chastised myself for my stutter and reached towards the table to grab another pastry. “Ahem. There’s nothing predatory in it, right?”
She grabs one herself and a glass of an orange fizzy drink. “Nope, none at all! Just some harmless cooking with your friends! You’ll love it!” Her enthusiasm helped me calm down as the game started booting up on screen.
Overcooked 5: Season of Seasoning.
Looks cheerful at least. Cooking is fun too… It’ll be fine, yeah.
I took a bite out of my brownie as the game's main menu music started to play.
{Memory Transcription Time Advancement: 23 Standard Terran Minutes…}
You know… I think I get it.
A soft relaxing track played in the background as the four little chefs on screen ran around doing various tasks needed to keep the kitchen functioning, like preparing vegetables, or washing dishes. A timer at the top of the screen was slowly counting down while a little ‘onion’ next to it with a Human face rambled on about something or other.
Orders start coming in quick, and all of us get to work in a flash… or at least, all of us SHOULD be.
“Can you three stop licking the dust clouds in the vents and actually do something to help me, PLEASE?!”
A trio of Human giggles was my only response as I leaned forward in concentration.
This game. This brahking game. They should use this for testing for intelligence like those quizzes we took back home, since clearly some people go brain dead trying to do literally anything that isn’t getting in my stars-damned way, or otherwise waste valuable time by huffing the gas coming off the stove!
Finishing up one order of seaweed wraps and lettuce salad, I tried to get back to the kitchen, but was immediately blocked by… a plate on the floor.
“WHO-!! Why is there a plate on the floor?! The counter is literally right there! It’s such a simple job to-” A ding rings out, showing several new orders that needed to be filled. The timer started flashing red as we reached the one ‘minute’ mark.
A deep, frustrated growl builds in my throat, causing my Humans to laugh for some reason, incensing me even further! We all get to work in completing the last orders, however. Things were going well as the Terrans seemed to (finally) get it together to actually make some good food. Sindre had just finished cooking the rice while Ada chopped the carrots. Me and Hailey were putting everything together on the other side and sending it through until—
“Is, oh my stars, did you guys really send over raw rice?! It’s not even partially cooked!! Are you all a bunch of mountain dwellers? Do you eat your dry grass with a side of brahking pebbles and pond scum?! Cook it again!” I threw the rice back, hitting Sindre in the back of the head with the pile of rice, causing his character to fall over with a cartoonish thunk sound effect.
The Germans laughed loudly at the scene, which made my face heat up in frustration. The timer was running short as we waited for the rice to actually be cooked this time.
“Nov’, I, haha, I’m sorry. I’ll get it done this time, have mercy! I thought the last one was done so I-”
My head turned just enough for my eye to be focused solely on the pale Human. “IT WAS BRAHKING RAW!! There's a bar at the top that tells you! Do you need eye surgery?? Can you even pass a driving test??”
More laughter.
“AND STOP LAUGHING AT ME!! IT’S NOT FUNNY!!”
A ding came from the pot to signify it was done. Ada immediately took it out and walked over to the counter to pass it.
“Perfect, now just- what are you doing?”
She wasn’t passing it over. Instead, she was charging up her throw way more than she needed to. I was just about to say something as the clock flashed brightly ‘till she threw the rice at full force.
Directly at my little chef. The rice beamed directly off the side of my character's head, sending me flying away from the plate and sprawled across the kitchen floor as the rice landed gently on the ground.
“ADA!!!!!”
The countdown is drowned out by the humans erupting into laughter as I desperately try and recover. Yet, just as I make it to my feet, the countdown reaches zero, and the mission ends. Defeat fills my chest while the onion man does a little dance to tally up our points.
49600… only two out of three stars…
It’s over…
I slumped against the back of the couch, fury and betrayal stirring in my chest while the predators laughed to each other for several moments. Their raucous, howling laughter eventually started dying down, at least enough for them to actually say something to me.
“Nov’, come on. It’s just a game. I’m, hehehe, I’m sorry okay? We were just having a little fun is all.” She ran her treacherous hands down my back in an effort to calm me, to little effect.
“Dumb game. Stupid… start the next mission…”
She chuckled a bit. “Maybe we should play a different game. You don’t seem real happy playing this one.”
That made my tail flick in light amusement though the frustration. “Now you sound like my Dad…” My anger at the game started to fade more and more, replaced with a growing sensation of guilt. ”I-I think that’s a good idea. Um, sorry about that.”
She removed her hand, but kept her eyes on me and the gooey trail now stringing from her hand. “Eugh… hey, you’re fine. If you can deal with us screaming at each other, then we can handle your little squeaks.”
The other two smiled and nodded in agreement while I looked at her in confusion, feeling a little offended. “My… squeaks? But, um, thank you... W-what's the next game? Hailey’s turn, right?”
On cue, she brushes her mane to the side and starts scrolling down. “Yes, actually! Unlike these two walnuts, I actually picked a relaxing game. A classic. An art piece~” Her hands did a slight flair, yet I remained unmoved.
“Hailey, that's what the other two said too. While those games were… fine, I wouldn’t call them ‘masterpieces.’ Are you sure about this one?” I asked while grabbing another brownie.
I keep eating these things, but I just feel more and more hungry… weird…
The Humans chucked as she selected her game. “Hey, have a little faith in me. I haven't met a Human alive that can say this game is bad. Just watch!”
A flash came from the TV as the game's title came into view.
Minecraft: Anniversary Edition.
“We’ll use one of the worlds we were playing on back on Earth so you can get an idea of what it’s really like. And, uh, make sure it's peaceful too, just in case.”
I took a bite of the treat and settled into my spot, preparing myself for whatever was to come.
{CONTINUED INTO THE COMMENTS}

Today I felt great and then I had dinner. Mind you, I had 4 cups of coffee earlier in the day. I also didn’t eat lunch so I was really hungry by dinner time (I tend to always get stomach problems when I eat a lot after a long time of not eating).
My family went out to eat at a barbecue restaurant (one I have been going to for years and have never gotten s* from). We all ordered beef briskets with baked beans and French fries, but I also had 2 sodas. The rest of my family was all fine, but I had almost instant d* after we left and I was shaking (hopefully just from the caffeine).
And while I had it, my stomach hurt and I was feeling heartburn in my throat. Now I’m freaking out like you can’t imagine. Literally my biggest fear is fp, and I’ve been thinking about what I’ve eaten and since we all ate the same thing I’m sure the food wasn’t contaminated but the caffeine probably did it.
Either way, I’m terrified of *tu. It’s literally my one and only fear and I’ve been trying to get over my phobia by eating things that I would normally question (like the fact that my French fries and brisket looked like they had been under a heat lamp). But when shit like this happens to me, all it does is make me worry and obsess more about food safety.
I need to stay healthy. I’m literally going on a trip in two days and I can’t get sick. Please reassure me that it isn’t fp and that I’ll be okay.

Hello to all who may come across this. I am a college student (white, 22 M) that is suffering from some derealization and anxiety. I believe this started from a really horrible experience with marijuana (friend's thc pen). I have rarely had good experiences with the drug but, as a college student, my thought process was that I'd really like to be able to enjoy it socially so I figured I'd try it again. Long story short, I truly felt like I was going to die. Mind constantly racing, shaking, sweating, tingling in my extremities, feeling freezing cold, was convinced my brain was firing so rapidly that I was bound to have a seizure, derealization, tunnel vision, etc. After I sobered up from that, I felt totally fine- I went to take a shower and went to bed then even joked with my friends about how rough that was. Fast forward a month or so and I'm given a baked good by one of my friends (a cupcake I think?) in a setting with a bunch of other friends. Only issue is the person was weirdly pushy about me eating it (and more of it after I had already tried some) as they had baked it and wanted me to tell them how they did. After I ate it my mind totally started racing with intrusive thoughts ("what if that was an edible and im just off my rocker like that one night but for another 10 hours?") I instantly began to feel like I felt when I was high. Mind racing, vision began to tunnel, derealization, etc (I know this now to be a panic attack- which I hadn't had any experience with while sober). So I told another friend and they calmed me down and ASSURED me it was not an edible, which snapped me out of it. Since then I've had bouts of derealization (weeks-months at a time with ebbs and flows in severity) and I've developed a form of (what I believe to be) contamination OCD that everything I eat could somehow contain THC. I know these thoughts are irrational and I definitely remind myself of such things when the intrusive thoughts come on. I am now on 10 mg lexapro and I don't think it's really helping all too much. I think the anxiety is rooted in the thought that if I ever touch THC again, I'm bound to develop schizophrenia; even when these thoughts go away- I am constantly worried I am in a prodromal phase of schizophrenia. I have no family history nor have i ever hallucinated or had any other warning signs of such issues except for the paranoia about food and the derealization. I'm still productive with my schoolwork (I am pre-med - I want to be a psychiatrist too), I go to the gym 5 days a week, and I maintain all relationships. I just have always wanted to be a doctor, retire my parents, and help people that are truly in need- I feel like if I develop a condition like this I wont be able to so I'm just scared. I suppose I am looking for assurance that this isn't the case more than anything? Guidance? I'm not entirely sure at this point.

Long story, but I’ll try to make it short. I’ve had anxiety for almost 30 years…So a couple weeks ago I was eating dinner and I got a piece of baked potato skin stuck in my throat. I wasn’t choking, but it scared the $hit out of me and I felt a wave of panic, but I coughed it up.
So for the next week I was paranoid about choking so I took very small bites, chewed a ridiculous amount, and focused on swallowing (big mistake).
My allergies are bothering me and I have a little postnasal drip, which gags me because I focus on it and it feels like I have a lump in my throat. I was afraid to eat because of my throat feeling like that and I felt like I was going to choke and my epiglottis didn’t feel like it was working properly. (Sounds pretty stupid as I write this, but my mind takes over and I get in a bad headspace)
So Tuesday anxiety started at work because I was worried about not being able to eat. I left an hour and a half early and went home to lay down. I slept from about 2pm to 7pm hoping that would knock the anxiety out of me. Nope.
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday terrible anxiety, I have no appetite, all I’ve wanted to do is sleep. I’ve had no energy and I’ve been drinking Ensure shakes just for nutrition, drinking water, Gatorade, Ginger Ale. I forced myself to eat some crackers and about 1/2 a can of Beefaroni, and apple sauce.
Anyway, I still don’t have much of an appetite, but I feel way better at night than I do during the day. The past two days I woke up with a nervous stomach (I know cortisol levels are higher in the morning) I’m feeling pretty good right now, I just hope I don’t wake up nervous again in the morning. Anxiety is a real bitch, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thanks for listening

Himiko slouched in her seat during class with her head propped into the palm of her hand as her history teacher, Mr. Tezuki, droned on. Her eyelids were about to droop completely when, suddenly, a small, flat, square object flew onto her desk. She snapped to attention, too afraid to scream. She realized that it was just a folded piece of paper. She smiled and turned around to see Kokichi, who was waving to her a few desks behind. Even though they could have just texted each other like normal teenagers, Kokichi loved the old school way of passing notes because they were more likely to be caught by Mr. Tezuka, which made things challenging and far more exciting. Himiko opened up the folded note, and read in Kokichi's playful handwriting:
Mr. Tezuka's kinda boring, huh? Himiko smiled and rolled her eyes.
Well...kinda, she replied. I am trying to keep myself from falling asleep. Feeling safe enough to pass the note back, she turned to Kokichi and swiftly flung it back to him. He opened the note and giggled at what she wrote. He wrote his response, and chucked the note back to Himiko.
Sooo...what'cha doin' after school? Himiko thought to herself. She didn't really have any plans other than the usual: go home, take a nap, wake up, eat dinner, then hang out with Kokichi until bedtime. Nothing different. She finally scribbled her response.
Same old, same old. She then folded the note back up. Making sure Mr. Tezuka's back was still turned to her, she quickly whirled around and tossed the note back to Kokichi. Some of the students rolled their eyes in annoyance. Kokichi scribbled his next response, then tossed it back.
Boooring! Wanna hang out after school, instead? Himiko frowned in confusion. She turned back to Kokichi, who was grinning slyly at her. She turned back to the note and wrote:
But...we pretty much always do that. She tossed the note back to Kokichi. She watched Kokichi grinning mischievously as he wrote. He tossed the note back to Himiko.
I have a feeling we'll have no choice this time. Himiko stared at it, completely puzzled. What in the world was he talking about?
"Miss Yumeno, are you paying attention?" the teacher asked. Himiko gasped and looked up. The teacher had his arms crossed, and was tapping his foot expectantly.
"No!" Taka answered. "She and Kokichi have been passing around notes while you weren't looking!"
"Geez...nobody likes a snitch, y'know?" Kazuichi said.
"But, it's true!" Taka continued. "And not only is it true, it's also very disruptive!" He looked back and forth between Kokichi and Himiko. "Kokichi, Himiko, you should think more about your classmates, and not yourselves! Think of all the learning you're missing out on!"
"Wooow, you're right, Taka!" Kokichi replied with a cheeky grin. "My bad! Hey! Maybe Mr. Tezuka can totally forgive us for not paying attention in class, riiight, Mr. Tezuka? Besides, there's nothing juicy written on that note, anyways, so it's not like we'll get in trouble for it!" Himiko's eyes widened as she remembered the first thing Kokichi had written down, and her response to it. She turned and shook her head furiously at him, trying to get him to shut up. Kokichi merely kept grinning at her. "Yup! There's no reason why we should be in trouble!" Mr. Tezuka narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Kokichi.
"Miss Yumeno...the note?" he said, holding his hand out to Himiko. Himiko sighed as she gingerly handed him the note, glaring at Kokichi. Mr. Tezuka read it and sighed. "Glad to know I bore some of my students, and that you two find it very amusing. If you think it's boring in here with me, Mr. Ouma and Miss Yumeno, just think how bored you'll be...in detention." Himiko gasped and stared at him in horror.
"Nyeeeeh...detention?!" she exclaimed.
"May Neptune have mercy on your soul," Mr. Tezuka droned. "Now...moving on..." Himiko couldn't believe it. She'd never been in detention before. She felt like shaking some sense into Kokichi. She turned to him with an incredulous expression, but all he did was smile and shrug in response. She felt a lump in her throat as she tried to keep tears from falling out of her eyes. The only thing that stopped them from falling was Usami suddenly appearing seemingly out of nowhere in front of the classroom.
"Attention, students! I have an important announcement!" she announced grandly.
"Greeeaaat," Mr. Tezuka sighed, plopping himself in his chair.
"I would like to announce that Hope's Peak will be doing the annual surprise field trip next month!" Usami continued.
"Surprise field trip?!" Sonia repeated. "You mean...a field trip that is completely a surprise?!"
"Yes...hence the words, 'surprise field trip,' " Usami said. "Next month on the 11th, all students at Hope's Peak Academy will be taken to a surprise location! But...in order to make the trip possible, some of you students will have to volunteer for the ever-popular cookie sale to raise money!"
"That shouldn't be too difficult, right?" Sayaka said, glancing over at Teruteru. "After all, Teruteru is the Ultimate Coo-...er, Chef. I'm sure he can bake the best cookies ever!"
"That's right!" Hina agreed. "On his own, he can raise enough money for, like, two trips, or something!"
"I'm very happy to hear two amazingly cute girls like yourselves have so much faith in my abilities as a chef," Teruteru said, eyeing Sayaka and Hina lustfully. "By the way, what are you two doing after school?"
"Ugh...not you, creep!" Hina scoffed in disgust, holding her hand up to him.
"No need to worry, Usami," Angie chimed in. "We can leave this all up to Teruteru!"
"Ha! We'll be goin' on that surprise trip by the time this week is over!" Miu said cockily.
"That's a relief," Kazuichi said. "I sure as heck didn't think anyone would wanna do this."
"I actually did," Rantaro admitted. "But, if it's going to be that easy with Teruteru around, I guess there's no point in the rest of us doing anything, huh?" The others murmured in agreement. Kokichi had to admit that selling cookies sounded like fun, especially if it meant conning people. He eyed Teruteru deviously. Everyone was relying on him to sell cookies, but Kokichi had other plans for him.
After class ended, Himiko stomped out of the classroom, not bothering to wait for Kokichi. She didn't care about cookies. She didn't care about the surprise field trip. She didn't care about anything but wanting today to end already. She angrily threw open her locker door, thrusting her history book into it.
"Himiko!" Kokichi ran up to Himiko. Himiko ignored him, grabbing her book for next class. "Himiko...come on." Kokichi gently tugged at the hem of her jacket, trying to get her attention. Himiko continued to ignore him as she slammed her locker door shut and marched off. Kokichi blocked her path and sighed with a look of genuine guilt on his face. "Okay, okay...I'm sorry I got you in trouble, Himiko." Himiko eyed him like she wanted to strangle him.
"Why did you do that?!" she growled. Kokichi gently pulled her to the side so they could talk without getting in the way of the other students.
"Just thought it'd be something different," he replied with a small shrug.
"Something different?!" Himiko repeated.
"Yeah, I mean...like you said in the note, you're always doing the same old thing everyday after school," Kokichi explained.
"And, so you thought you'd drag me to detention?!" Himiko hissed.
"Not you, us," Kokichi corrected. "And, sure, why not?" Himiko stared at him in utter disbelief. Kokichi chuckled. "Look, Himiko, detention's not that bad. Especially if this is your first time. All you do is just sit in a classroom and talk or do homework for, like, an hour, or two. You're not gonna get suspended, or expelled, or go to prison, or anything like that. It's not bad, I promise." Himiko calmed down a little.
"And you mean it?" she mumbled.
"Yup!" Kokichi replied. "It's only bad if you keep getting detention over and over again, but seeing as this is your first time, you'll be alright, Monkey Buns." He patted her shoulder comfortingly. Himiko sighed.
"Well...okay, then," Himiko said. "But, I'm still a little mad at you." Kokichi poked his lower lip out and leaned his forehead against Himiko's.
"Aw...I just wanted to hang out with my Monkey Buns," he said.
"Then all you had to do was invite me to the park, or to the ice cream parlor, or something not related to delinquency," Himiko said.
"But we've been to those places already," Kokichi said.
"You've been to detention before," Himiko pointed out.
"Mm-hmm, but you haven't," Kokichi replied, wiggling an eyebrow at her. Himiko sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Okaaaay," she mumbled.
"Sweet!" Kokichi said, and kissed her cheek. "I'll pick you up from your last class, and we'll go to the detention room from there, 'kay? Besides, we have some things to talk about!"
"Nyeh? Like what?"
"Nee-heehee...I'll tell you in detentiiiooon," Kokichi sang. Himiko shook her head at him.
"You're not making this any easier for me," she said.

"Tell you what, HimiCocoa Bean, on the way back from detention, we'll swing by the convenience store, and I'll buy you aaanything you want, m'kay?" Kokichi offered. A smile crept across Himiko's face.
"Nyeh...now you're talking," she answered.
Part Two
Hand in hand, Kokichi walked Himiko to the detention classroom located in the basement of Hope's Peak.
"Nyeh...why is the detention classroom in the basement?" Himiko asked as she and Kokichi headed deeper down the stairs into the dark. They came to a corridor with many doors on either side. It looked more like a dungeon than a school basement. At the end of the long corridor was a lone door, and that's where Kokichi and Himiko were headed.
"Pretty creepy, huh?" Kokichi said, grinning with amusement. "It's part of the reason why I wanted you to come here."
"It feels more like...like...we're going to our execution, or something," Himiko said, holding tighter to Kokichi's hand.
"Right?" Kokichi said. "I can hear the execution music going, 'wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-oooo-wah-wah-wah!'"
"What song is that?" Himiko asked, raising a brow. Kokichi shrugged.
"I dunno...it just seems like that's how execution music would go," he said. They reached the door and Kokichi opened it. The room was in chaos. Himiko was surprised to see a few people in there, like Ibuki, Toko, Mukuro, and Ryoma. The others, Leon, Yasuhiro, Hifumi, Junko, Mondo, Hiyoko, and Akane...not so much. Leon was shooting spitballs at Hifumi, Ibuki was playing loud punk music on her headphones while headbanging and air guitaring, Toko was busy screaming her head off at Ibuki because she needed to concentrate on her next book, Junko was talking and laughing obnoxiously to someone on her smartphone while Mukuro stood next to her with a sad face, Mondo was arm wrestling Hiro, who was screaming from the pain, Akane was hopping across the desks like they were an obstacle course of some sort, Hiyoko was shouting at everyone to shut up, and Ryoma merely sat there, throwing paper airplanes at nothing in particular. The librarian in charge of the students, Miss Yamane, merely ignored the students as she sat at the large desk in front of the classroom, reading a book. Himiko stood there in dumbfounded silence. Kokichi grinned impishly at her.
"Welcome to detention, Monkey Buns," he said, and led her inside. They checked in with Miss Yamane before sitting down. Kokichi pulled a desk right next to his so that Himiko would be close to him. "Incoming spitball!" he warned, and grabbed Himiko. They both ducked as Leon shot another spitball at Hifumi.
"Mr. Kuwata, stop that right now!" Hifumi demanded.
"Hahaha...make me, fatty!" Leon sneered, and shot another spitball. Then, he pointed at Himiko. "Hey, look! It's the little witch bitch!" Everyone stopped what they wee doing and looked at Himiko in surprise.
"Himiko? What are you doing here?" Ibuki asked in shock.
"So far...not liking it," Himiko muttered.
"I can help you with that," Leon said. He wadded a small piece of paper up and popped it into his mouth, making sure to make it extra wet with his saliva. He put the straw up to his mouth and shot a spitball at Himiko. It landed on her cheek with a wet smack!
"H-Heeey!!" she cried in disgust. Kokichi wiped it off of her.
"Hey, Leon! Nobody makes my Supreme Lady wet but me!" Kokichi cried. He pulled out a rubber band and shot it at Leon, striking him right between the eyes.
"OW!!!" Leon screamed. Kokichi kept shooting rubber bands at Leon. Leon tried to block, but the rubber bands hurt his hands and arms, as well. "Ow! Ouch!! Stop tha-OUCH, DUDE!!! I GET IT!!! JUST STOP!!!" Kokichi finally stopped. Leon glared at Kokichi as he rubbed the spots on his body that were hit by the rubber bands. Kokichi sat back down and checked on Himiko.
"You okay, HimiCocoa Bean?" he asked. Himiko nodded.
"Yeah," she replied. "How long do we have to stay here again?"
"About two hours," Kokichi replied. Himiko sighed.
"I don't think I'll be able to last," she said.
"Oh...you'll do fine," Kokichi replied nonchalantly.
"Are these guys always in detention?" Himiko asked, looking around.
"Most of them," Kokichi answered. "Toko and Hifumi aren't here as often as everyone else here." Himiko looked over at Mukuro.
"Nyeh...but, what about Mukuro?" Himiko asked. "I don't think she ever misbehaves, or anything."
"She doesn't, but you know how Junko likes dragging her everywhere she goes like she's Junko's personal slave," Kokichi said. Himiko nodded. She felt bad for Mukuro.
"Moo Cow, my feet are getting tired," Junko said, snapping at Mukuro before pointing to the ground. Mukuro sighed and crouched down in front of Junko's desk. Junko placed her feet right on top of Mukuro's back.
"Poor Mukuro," Himiko said softly.
"Welp, not much we can do about that," Kokichi said with a shrug. "Besides, now that we're here, I wanna tell you about the important thing." Himiko brightened a little.
"Oh, yeah!" she said. "What was it?"
"I was thinking that you and I should sell some cookies for the surprise field trip!" Kokichi replied.

"But...I thought everyone was okay with Teruteru selling the cookies on his own," Himiko said.
"Nah, he won't be able to do all that," Kokichi said, waving his hand dismissively. "After all, he's just one guy."
"But he's the Ultimate Chef," Himiko said.
"Trust me, Himiko...his ultimate title won't mean anything," Kokichi said with a devious grin. Himiko still might not know everything about Kokichi, but she spent enough time around him to recognize that grin. He was definitely up to something. She raised a suspicious brow at him.
"What are you-" Himiko began.
"You know, I was thinking about making it a couple competition," Kokichi interrupted. "You know, boyfriend against girlfriend. It's fun being on the same team, but I think it'll also be fun to compete against each other every now and then, too! Know what I mean? We'll see who earns more money in the end!"
"Nyeh...believe me, it won't be much of a competition," Himiko muttered, fiddling with the brim of her hat. "You'll probably win by a landslide."
"You don't know that," Kokichi said. "Where's your competitive spirit, Himiko?"
"I never had one," Himiko replied. "I figured that's something you're born with, and I definitely wasn't born with it."
"You don't need to be born with it, you just need the right attitude," Kokichi said. "You're definitely not gonna sell more cookies if you're moping around all the time, y'know."
"So, you agree with Kaito, then?" Himiko asked, crossing her arms. "The impossible is possible, all you gotta do is make it so?" Kokichi rolled his eyes.
"Himiko, it's not impossible for you to sell cookies," he said. "You just have to-"
"Believe in myself?" Himiko asked with a smirk.
"Be...smart about it," Kokichi corrected.
"In that case, I definitely won't win," Himiko said.
"Himiko, you really need to stop underestimating yourself," Kokichi said with a frown. "How do you know you're not good at something if you won't even try? If you keep talking the way you do, you've already set yourself up for failure. How about instead of whining about how dumb you think you are, try challenging yourself so you can see what you're truly capable of." Himiko looked hurt.
"Sorry," she said, scrunching her shoulders. Kokichi sighed and placed his hand on Himiko's shoulder.
"Look, Himiko, you don't have to do this if you don't want to, but I think you should at least think about it," he said. "It wouldn't hurt to give yourself a chance." Himiko nodded sheepishly.
"Okay..." she said. "I'll think about it."

Ok, this is a long shot.
In Hindu mythology, Hanuman, the monkey god is renowned for epitomizing two key pillars of Hindu belief - strength and religious devotion. In Sanskrit these are called - Shakti and Bhakti.
Cal Naughton's catch phrase is, of course, shake and bake (Shakti and Bhakti). Cal Naughton embodies both attributes in their highest form - loyalty and strength, expressed through driving skill.
Coincidence? Methinks not.

Sionia
Chapter12
Map First Previous Note: Reddit Tech support fixed map bug. Use mouse wheel/ button to zoom and navigate
Standing inside the opulent chamber of the forth tower alone, I made sure nothing was left behind. Heading down to a parking area for carriages and carts off to the right of the main entrance to the keep where my people where gathered. They were mostly settling who could ride where and seeing to their personal gear and supplies. I had a cart specifically for baggage for my people with my cart only for my items and food supplies.
I shocked myself with realization that I had fully adopted a nobility's frame of mind as I now referred to those before me as my people. Looking over as Evito came trotting up slightly out of breath, I gave him a slight nod.
“Come as I must do as I was commanded.” Evito stated as he saluted me with a half bow before leading me to the ornate carriage.
The carriage was well made and really just needed a good coat of paint and some polishing as it showed signs of neglect and years of unuse. The Duke”s insignia had been removed which looked rough where it was sanded off. Evito opening the door motioned me inside.
Closing the door and making a grand show of the door lock before lifting up a metal reinforced window shade. Once the window shades on one side were up and locked into place, Evito then lowering another set above the windows that were louvered that allowed light inside the carriage but had a cheese cloth type of covering matching the deep maroon color of the inside of the carriage so no one could peer outside easily.
“The window shields should be used when under attack. You can open the upper view slots for light and can peer out without showing yourself. As you can see, there is even these three here where you can give orders to the driver. The back two you can give orders to the servants on the tiger perch. If you lift up the seat here in the back, you have storage space as you can see your property there. Here in the front is slightly different. You will notice when you lift up the seat, it looks the same as the back. However, if you reach here,this opens up and you can store high valuables. I would recommend storing your riding gear and overcoats in the front storage. Your Lordship should get a strongbox from the tradesman's guild and put about three silver, four sceats, twenty five koper and a few pelano and some mites in it. Store that strong box in the storage area of the back bench. All bandits and raiders know a noble has money. If you are caught and forced to submit, you can hand over this chest and not lose a fortune.” Evito explained the intricacies of the carriage Duke Boasag gifted me.
“I see. Very good advise. Thank you, Evito.” I said with gratitude.
Closing the upper louvers and then opening the windows, Evito then flipped a switch and lowered the glass window next to the back bench.
"All the windows have this lever as you can see. Slide the lever like this and you can lower the window for more air. Should you wish to close the window, just lift the window up and slide the lever back to keep window in place. You will notice two sword hangers set on each side of the carriage and a shield holder up there. I would recommend you get swords for them and not hang your personal one. Up in the front corner there is your personal water cask and silver cup. It it is strapped to the front right corner of the carriage where only the spigot shows inside. I have seen that it is already filled. Lastly, if you lift these two panels and flip the leg here, it becomes a travel bed. That is all I have to to show and have fulfilled my duty.” Evito stated with a salute and a bowing nod then opened the carriage door where he returned to the keep.
I stepped out and called to my soldiers, Razor and Meowth. I spoke to Lars asking him to place the guard around our party and to make a plan for when we would have two more carriages and two more carts by the time we left Trikath. I then spoke to Razor and Meowth asking them to take up position in the tiger stand of the front two carriages. I then asked Razor to inform the wolf kin brothers to take the tiger position on the third carriage as they would be responsible for guarding that carriage while traveling on the road. Lastly, Pamba was being spoiled by Rina and would be riding with her for the time being.
With everyone saddled and settled, I called out to Lars to head directly to Trikath's tradesman's guild as I entered the carriage. I immediately lowered two of the windows, the side louvers and one back louver as it was a warm day. About twenty minutes later, we entered through the gates of Trikath that looked like any typical medieval city in Europe back on earth. The only difference was that the city streets were much cleaner with a well drained baked brick road.
The tradesman's merchant's guild was similar to Id but larger. Once there, I was met by a thirty something man with black hair and blue eyes.
“Welcome to the Green Trading Company and tradesman's guild. Master Porgisl owner and Guild Master. I am Fronz the manager of this branch. You must be Count Wyatt. I have been informed by Evito to procure items and will help with any other transactions.” Fronz introduced himself with a formal bow and salute.
“Nice to meet you Fronz. I would like to get two more fully fitted out carts without florses. I also will be needing things from the storefront.” I requested with a slight nod.
"As you wish" Fronz stated as he led the way to the storefront.
In the merchant's building storefront, I had Tiana and Rana get the things they would need to do their work. I also had my head cook Big Jake an imposing man come with me. It seemed that size mattered with cooks as a sign their food was good. Anyway, I had Big Jake select cook and service ware for travel and six water casks which he was to fill and install on the carts and the two new carriages. I had Gus and Lorna select some personal grooming items along with towels, linens and mattresses for the Order of Knights that would fit in a cart. I also had them get any other basic items for the road trip that they could think of.
I picked up a very high quality strongbox that was longer but not wider or deeper with four keys. While there, I also picked up a couple of blank keys. Seeing some really nice looking padlocks which were definitely more advanced than what was expected, I bought the entire lot of ten which came with four keys each. Finally, I got several large soft marking chalk blocks with a slate board that was about a foot square.
Finished with shopping, I asked Fronz my wish to hire two stable hands, three drivers and a blacksmith since I did not see those trades previously when I was hiring servants. A little over a half an hour later, I hired two teenage boys and a very well muscled late twenties man named Luke Smith with blonde hair and green eyes. Luke's occupation oddly enough matched the meaning of his surname. The stable boys were both brown haired and brown eyed and around fifteen years old. The first was Brad and the other was Tim. Both were orphans and had no surname. All three were to care for and look after all the florses which I had a total of forty one now. Luke loaded up his anvil, toolbox and bellows in the back of the last cart the baggage one for our party. Both Brad and Tim would be riding a florse making sure the strings of florses were alright and deal with any issues that might arise on that front. The drivers were Matt a twenty four year old young man with brown hair and eyes. Doug a twenty five year old with lite brown hair and green eyes and Jace a twenty eight year old with red hair and green eyes. They were trained to drive carriages and carts for the merchants and guild and now would be driving the carriages with my footmen learning on the fly with the two new carts.
Back at the dock about an hour and half later since I arrived, Fronz approached me as he was writing on a type of clipboard that had a small inkwell attached to it.
“Lord Wyatt, your total bill will be twenty one eight six dinari.” Fronz stated as he read from his invoice.
“Very good.” I replied and took out three silver coins and handed them to Fronz.“Here is eight erytho and fourteen koper.” Fronz stated as he gave my change from his strongbox.
“Great and thank you Fronz.” I replied with a smile and pocketed the change as I was wearing my bluejeans.
“It is a pleasure to be at your assistance Lord Wyatt. We welcome your business anytime.”Fronz stated with a salute and a deep bow.
I then sorted our party again as I had the new carts fitted with mattresses for the Order of Knights. Old Maude would ride in the cart with Reagan and Guntar with apprentice doctors with Sir Jas and Cleef. I had my extra florses put onto four strings where two strings would be tied to the baggage carts. The girls were split up equally between the two new carriages with Lorna assigned with Freya, Illya and Rina in their carriage and Wynna, one of my chambermaids, in the other. The rest of my servants would split up to ride in carts except the cart with my earth items. Big Jake would drive my cart that had food rations that Evito provided and Luke would drive the baggage cart.
Retrieving my tool box, the power station, two swords and my shield which was transferred to my carriage. I also placed a padlock on the five crates that belong to myself that stored all the earth items. I ordered Big Jake to tie my crates down with rope so they would not shift while traveling.
Once everyone was sorted, I called everyone to load up with a grand gesture. However, I insisted Gus riding on the drivers bench with Jace rather than with me as would be normal for the first leg of the journey. I just did not want him to see and ask questions or what I planned to work on.
With a wave of my hand out the carriage door to Lars, our party began traveling out of Trikath and heading straight south on the King's Highway. While we were traveling, I transferred the strongbox contents to the new one as the old strongbox was almost over flowing as I had placed the contents of Shu's box into mine leaving that box with documents for the guild to deal with. Putting my new strongbox along with the power station in the the cubby hide just like my cart had but better crafted as the cubby was a false floor type rather than a blocked off section. I then began working on making a key for the first strongbox with a couple of files from earth. I cut a chalk block into thick pencils which I shaved for dust and used the slate board to help identify the key slot locations and depth.
“I am the man!” I cheered as I turned the key in the lock and it clicked after an hour and a half of work.
Placing in the strongbox five erythro, five sceates and four koper where I locked it up. It was unfortunate that I had no mites but I would resolve that later. I then secured the strongbox under the back bench and the toolbox in the cubby under the front bench. With a satisfied sigh, I drew the curtains of the carriage and laid down as I was still quiet tired from not enough sleep since I arrived in Sionia. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to peacefully nap.
A knock on the door wakened me where I raised up and pulled the curtain back.
“Lord Wyatt we have arrived at a good place to camp for the evening meal.” Announced Lars with Gus standing next to him.
“Very good.” I stated as Gus opened the door to let me out.
“Lord Wyatt, Lady Freya Thor requests to dine with your this evening.” Gus stated with a salute and bow.“ I see. Very well. Please inform the lady of acceptance.” I stated as Rana and Tiana came up.
“Would you like to wash up?” Asked Tiana with a flick of her left ear.
“Yes,that would be nice Tiana.” I answered with a nod.
“Would you like to change into something more comfortable, Lord Wyatt?” Asked Rana as she was seeking to be of service.
“Yes, I would like that. The dark green outfit would do nicely" I answered.
“Lord Wyatt, what kind of meal would you like this evening?” Asked Big Jake with expectancy.
I sighed and shook my head.
“Listen Big Jake, just be responsible with the rations we have. We are expected to be on the road for fifteen days. Just make sure that you do not cause us to run out of food. If we need to buy more or something else, then we will. If you need meat, ask Lars over there to have one of his men go hunting. Just show me what you can do with the rations we have. OK?” I explained as I was not expecting to have to directly deal with this kind of minute detail.
“Yes, Lord Wyatt. I so sorry to upset you!” Big Jake said with his lower lip quivering as he bowed deep.
“I am not upset. You are a very good cook. I would call you a grand chef given your qualifications. As to food questions, I do not know what rations we have. So, making any demand now is not something I should do. In time, you will learn what I like and do not like. But for now, just make the meals as good as you can but do not waste the rations as we have a long journey.” I explained hoping not to cause the gentle giant of a man to cry.
“Thank you, Lord Wyatt. No one has ever allow me to just make anything without direction. I promise to make you an amazing meal.” Big Jake said with pride.
“Very good. Will be looking forward to it. Oh, Lady Freya will be joining me and perhaps Ladies Illya and Rina too. Keep that in mind if the rations provided are to be divided. I would prefer that everyone eats the same general meal. Though, you can vary it for my guests and myself.” I continued to explain my preferences.
“Yes, Lord Wyatt. I will get to work right away.” Big Jake replied and scurried off toward where the cooking fires were lit.
Lukas and Stephan set up a walled curtain enclosure bought by Gus to allow bathing and dressing while on the road that sat between the first two carriages. This was done so the girls group could wash up in privacy. While Freya was washing up, I decided to check on Sir Jas and the knights and see to my own constitutional.
“How are you doing Sir Jas, Cleef, Gunthar and Reagan.” I stated as I walked up to where they were lying before a fire.
“Actually not too bad. We thank you for the mattresses. It was a godsend for us. We rode very comfortably.” Sir Jas stated with a smile and a salute from his lying position.
“Yeah, it is more than what we would have gotten from the Order.” Reagan stated with sour look and a salute.
“He is not wrong. We thank you.” Stated Guntar with a nod and Salute from where he was sitting.
Cleef just made a grunting yes nodding of his head, mouth and cheeks were still swollen and speaking was excruciatingly painful.
“I am glad. Let me know if you need anything.” I stated as I rose from my squatting position near Sir Jas.
“Wait, Lord Wyatt.” Pleaded Sir Jas as I was about to leave.“Yes, what is it?” I replied with curiosity.
“We have all been talking and how we are now traveling confirms our decision. We would like to join your House as Knights. We will have to ask his Grace Duke Avondale who is Lord Marshal for transfer. General Bondi who is over all of the Knight Orders is away in the east reinforcing and insuring the defenses at Caladan, Norrbotten and Red Keep with the third, forth and fifth Order of Knights.” Sir Jas requested with a salute and nod which all the others did as well.
“I am touched. However, you know I do not have any lands or manor. I cannot in good conscious accept.” I replied with a shake of my head and sad look.
“Should you be awarded with a manor or lands would you accept?” Asked Sir Jas hopefully.
“If and I do mean “IF” and I have enough room and can support you properly, then yes, I will accept your vows of fealty.” I promised with a smile.
“We look forward to serving you for we are certain you will be amply rewarded.” Stated Sir Jas with another nod and salute.
After meeting with the Knights, I talked with Old Maude who was resting as the apprentices from doctor Zalzworth were doing most of the work. I allowed her to see to my wounds and apply the elven salve. Next, I sought out the guards to insure the posting of the watch so that everyone had a break and ample time to eat. After this, I met with the wolf kin brothers Conan and Connor. The only way to tell them apart was their eye color. Conan had gray eyes and Connor had olive eyes. I asked them to take the watch equally over the females to ensure no one bothers them. With Razor and Meowth, they said they would stretch their legs then head back to get food and rest up a bit which I agreed with.
Back at my carriage, I was met by Tiana who had set up a bronze bowl next to my carriage and proceeded to remove my shirt and wash my upper body with heavily scented water and soap. When finished, Tiana applied a similarly scented oil with extra attention to my underarms. Rana brought me the green outfit with excitement. Gus and Tiana helped me donned the outfit and Rana quickly went to wash my shirt for it to be ready in the morning. Gus combed my hair and placed the beret hat on my head. I then belted on my sword and gun belt and headed to a table set aside for me to eat the evening meal.
Just as Freya and the girls were finishing up and streaming out of the enclosure, Meowth came jogging up.
“Meow Lord Wyatt, do not be alarmed but there is three people watching our group. Razor Tom is keeping close watch on them. They are made up of a tom kitten, an old tomcat and a meowther. They are in the trees before the fluff fields.” Meowth said as she nodded toward the forest belt and the cotton fields beyond.
“Good to know. Where is Razor?” I asked as I stood up and was waving at Lars to get his attention.
“Razor Tom is over there up in the big meowoak tree, meow Lord Wyatt” Meowth said with a flick of her right ear and stiff tail that actually was pointing in the direction of Razor.
“Well done. Keep watch on the women and restrict them to near the carriages until we sort these guests out. Let Lady Freya know so she can keep the rest calm.” I ordered with a slight nod of my head.
“Purrrfect, meow Lord Wyatt.” Meowth replied as she jogged off to speak with Freya.
“How can I be of service, Lord Wyatt?” Lars asked as he approached followed by a short bow, salute and chest bump.
“My body guards Razor and Meowth spotted three people watching our group. Razor is up in the big oak tree behind me keeping close watch on them.” I stated and paused because of the horrified shocked look on Lars' face.
Lars took a knee with a deep bow of his head said, “I apologize for my failure along with the men under my command. Our first day to be so tainted! I beg for your forgiveness.” Lars said as he groveled before me.
“There is no harm done this time. See that you post your men better and have them do a proper scouting of the area in the future. Last thing I want is to have to go into battle from a surprise attack that was preventable.” I admonished with a stern look and a pointing finger.
“Yes, Lord Wyatt. We your house guards will show you our true worth from this day forward!” Lars promised with a double fist bump to the chest and a salute.
“Good enough. Now, have six men flank them and find out who they are. If they are locals, ask them to return home. If they are not, bring them to me but do not harm them unless they become violent.” I replied with my orders.
“At your command, Lord Wyatt.” Lars said with fist chest bump with salute and immediate ran to where five of his men were relaxing before a fire.
Lars with the five men split up into two groups of three. They then made a very wide circle to get behind the trio watching our party.
Big Jake at this point brought some warmed up bread and a type of green herb dip along with sliced apples and some lamb slices mixed with onion, garlic, two types of squash and a variety of herbs.
“Lady Freya, I am glad you are here. Lady Illya and Lady Rina you too are most welcome.” I stated with a formal bow and sweeping arm as the ladies approached.
“Thank you, Ryan for this little pleasure.” Freya said with a nice smile.
“Yes, we thank you too.” Said Illya quickly also speaking for Rina.
We then seated ourselves and began to eat the bread with the herb dip that was incredibly delicious as Lorna and Gus were pouring a nice sweet vinqua made from berries. The herb dip was amazing as it appeared to be a butter, garlic and herb mixture. However, it also had the undeniable taste of olive oil too.
Just as Tiana was plating out the main dish for our group, Lars approached with the trio. The first was a middle aged man of lite brown hair that was beginning to gray. The second was a late forties to fifties woman with heavily graying hair. The last was a boy of about six to seven years old with brownish red hair and bright green eyes.
“These are the ones watching our camp, Lord Wyatt.” Said Lars with a double fist chest bump and a salute.
“Very good. Well done.” I replied with a nod and a return double chest fist bump salute.
The trio looked very scared especially the boy who was beginning to tear up to cry.
“I am Count Ryan Wyatt. Who are you and why were you spying on our party?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I am Robert Duffy. I was chamberlain and steward to Count Charles Appleton who was assassinated by rogues. This is Hazel Radcliff Housekeeper for Avalon fortress. The little Lord here is Charlie Appleton the rightful heir to the title of Count of the Avalon Western Region and the fortress of Avalon. We humbly ask for your protection." Stated Robert with the begging request.
“I see. Well now. Who is specifically after the young lad?” I asked for this intrigue was something I did not want.
“I suspect the House of Skafhoggr but not the Viscount himself. He is, well, not a person who can strategize. It is more than likely his wife Lady Ludmilla or his mother in law Dowager Baroness Grogda Wode. Their home was Fossberg a small mountain village east of Red Keep that was destroyed by the Empire. They were staying with Viscount Skafhoggr at his manor in Dorn before they came to Fortress Avalon. Viscount Skafhoggr married Lady Ludmilla after only one month introduction. Almost two months after they arrived at Fortress Avalon, my Lord Avondale fell ill after drinking vinqua and died within a half span. Only poison kills a healthy and strong man as my lord was in such a short span. Two days after my lord's death, Lady Beatrice Appleton also fell ill and died within a span. A week later, the young master was attacked and his bodyguard fought to the death to protect him. Hazel grabbed our young lord and fled into city. I received word and joined them. We were attacked again by a mercenary known to do assassinations. I was able to wound him but not before the young lord was stabbed. We fled the city and have been on the run these past three months. It was only a week ago we learned that Viscount Skafhoggr was awarded the title to Fortress Avalon. Please, I beg of you! Help and protect us!” Robert explained with his pleading request.
“ I see.” I said as I sat quiet for a moment to consider what I should do.
“That is clawful!” Said Meowth with her tail straight and hair raised in an angry display.
Pamba jumped out of Rina's lap and climbed onto my shoulder where she whined and rubbed her check against mine. Looking over at Freya, who had the look of fury in her eyes, made my blood run cold. I suspected Freya wanted to kill whoever would harm a child. I also had the urge to do extreme violence against these villains.
“Very well. I Count Ryan Wyatt grant you protection. However, know what you see here is all the retainers I have. I have no home or lands because of the Empire. I am now on my way to see the King who summoned me to appear as soon as I can get there. I must go to Avalon and present myself to Viscount Skafhoggr to see if I have any new messages from the King.” I stated my travel plans to the trio who had the look of horror.
“We can not return to Avalon. The young lord would be killed on sight.” Protested Robert with Hazel clutching the boy tightly as he began to cry.
“Lord Wyatt. You can not take them to Fortress Avalon. It would almost certainly bring attack and more attempts of assassination. I know you can win a battle against a small force. However, you can not protect against an arrow from an assassin who creeps in the shadows unseen.” Freya stated as she breathed her anger despite a calm voice.
“You are correct. However, I have no intention on taking them to Fortress Avalon. I believe that they should travel through the city in a cart with guards where we will catch up to them within a day. Know, I will not stay in Avalon more than one night as etiquette requires as Viscount Skafhoggr will host me for a night's rest from travel.” I stated the plan and I saw Freya sigh a bit of relief with Pamba making a quiet approving barking noise.
“Tell me Robert, do you know of an adventurer party that is honorable in Avalon that I could hire for this journey? I have the feeling that I will need more fighting men. I do not want to select mercenaries as they are only loyal to who pays the highest coin and I can not compete given my circumstances.” I asked as I looked toward Lars with Razor now standing beside him.
“Yes, Zack Talley's party. He is an A ranked adventurer with seven members mostly C ranked with two B ranked.” Robert stated as he recollected the party I had requested.
“What do you think about hiring them to protect the cart you will be riding in disguised as commoners traveling south to the capital? You three would have to change into clothing of commoners with the story of fleeing from the devastation of the Empire. Maybe say you are going to relatives near or in the capital. Could you do this?” I asked explaining my plan further.
“Yes, that would work. I do not think Zack Talley would recognize me as I have only met him twice. His reputation is very good.” Robert stated with renewed hope and relief.
“Alrighty then. That will be the plan. Will need to send a floxis message. Can we do that in Trino?” I asked Robert.
“Yes, there is a small adventurer guild office there. They will take the request and can have them meet you a few millo outside Avalon's main north bridge barbican. The cost of hiring is expensive of at least an erythro maybe as much as a silver if they have recently completed a difficult job.” Robert explained.
“I see. That is good to know. Now, get you something to eat. Once finished, you and Hazel ride in the third cart. Charlie, you can ride in the carriage with me after Hazel cleans you up.” I stated with a sigh and was thankful for the information Robert provided.
Freya took it upon herself to look after Charlie and made sure he had plenty to eat. Charlie was enthralled with Pamba as he fed her some lamb pieces. After dinner, I had Old Maude check on Charlie's wound that turned out to be a deep cut between his side and under his left arm at the bottom of his armpit. Old Maude cleaned the wound and redid the stitches as they were too loose and was the cause for the wound to not been healing.
About an hour later, our party was back on the road. The travel was quiet and Charlie fell asleep with Pamba curled up next to him. Over three hours later, we arrived long after dark in Trino. We went to the inn called the Resting Unicorn where they had walled enclosures for large parties to camp and be well protected. I forbid all from going into the tavern but allowed the tavern owner to bring a cask of ale of and some mutton stew as some in the party stated they did not eat much at the last stop. Lars impressed with setting the guard as he was making sure nothing else would go wrong. I set up the bed platform where I could stretch out to sleep. Gus slept sitting up with his feet up next to Charlie on the front bench. When I laid down, Pamba came and rubbed my cheek with hers before curling up in the crook of my arm. It was easy to fall asleep as I was mentally and physically tired.

This story was originally written July 2023.
You might have heard of me. I was a social media influencer for two years.
I know kids have “influencer” as one of their top professions these days, but for me it was all an accident, really. I uploaded a few YouTube videos back in 2019, in the summer I finished school. All I did was rant about movies. I had a few notes, not a full script, and just spouted off to my laptop camera about inaccurate science, bad casting choices, real nitpicky stuff. In about six months I’d got 200 subscribers.
I was at university then, and I mentioned my videos to some of my uni friends. They subbed and told their friends, and I got up to 1,000 sub by January 2020. My videos were only about ten minutes long, and I had nowhere near the views to monetise. I was making one a week, but not on any sort of schedule. It was just something I did when I was bored.
Then the pandemic hit. A lot of students here in England basically got locked into their halls of residence (that’s dorms for any Americans reading), but I was lucky enough to get back to my parents’ before then. So I was doing what my uni laughably called “remote learning”, which basically meant a couple of video lectures a week, some worksheets, and lots and lots of my own research. I won’t bore you with the topic of my course; it’s not relevant.
I’m not exactly stereotypically pretty. I’ve come to accept that. My hair is stringy, my nose is too big, my face is profoundly asymmetrical, my complexion is strange and acned, my teeth are crooked … You get the idea. You can only do so much with makeup and hair that covers your face. I probably have fewer friends than I would if I looked like other people, and it actually took a lot of courage to make that first video - and even more courage to upload it.
I can only assume that’s the reason I went viral. It certainly wasn’t the high production values, or the tightly-written scripts, or the quality of my research. On the 9th of April I had 1,322 subscribers. On the 10th it was over 8,000. By the end of April it was up to 300,000, and I had actually monetised my channel.
The comments were … well, they were varied. Lots of hate because of my looks, but lots of love from people who just appreciated what I put out there, calling out others for their negative comments. I know many social media stars struggle with unkind comments, but I’d got used to it. Let’s be honest, they weren’t nice, but neither were they untrue. And comments under your video are easier to ignore than comments in the street. I was making decent money after all. If you were one of those commenters, you know which side you were on, and I love you either way. Thanks for the engagement - it’s not easy to gain financially from your unusual appearance!
The trouble with going viral is that it doesn’t last. Competing in the fast-paced world of internet stardom takes a lot of effort. I started experimenting with other things - YouTube shorts, TikTok, Instagram, pretty much anything going. The format that turned out to work best was actually TikTok. I’d bought some skimpy outfits and did ridiculous little dances. I quickly reached over a thousand views per video, and while I wasn’t up to their creator tier, it still worked. A well-known cosmetics company asked to sponsor my videos.
Cosmetics! Me! I guess they were going for woke points or something. I didn’t care, they offered me more money than I knew what to do with, as long as my views stayed high. So I started making 2-minute videos. A dance without make-up, then I applied the make-up - being sure to show the brand name clear and up-close - and then the same dance with make-up. If this is ringing any bells with you, then yes - that was me. And no, stupid - that’s not my real name.
I’d got used to undesired attention of course. Along with the unpleasant comments, I got my fair share of unwelcome male approaches. For a few hours after any upload, about half of my DMs were from men, and some women (or men with female account names), asking to see more of me. I wasn’t a camgirl, though I suppose I wasn’t a million miles away from one; but I could have been. I did seriously consider it a few times, but never actually followed through.
And half of the rest of my DMs, and a good portion of the public comments, were from angry women. What made me think I had the right to show off like that? How could I bring their favourite cosmetics brand into disrepute? But I’ve got pretty thick skin (hey, I can make that joke, you can’t), and mostly laughed the comments off and ignored them.
That was, in hindsight, a mistake.
By September my uni was reopening for in-person teaching. I was working six or seven hours a day just to keep up with everything, and had a couple more brands sponsoring me. Being an influencer isn’t just about filming for ten minutes a day and watching the money come in!
So I was going to tutorials an hour a day, watching video lectures at 2x speed, and ignoring my assignments in favour of making videos and replying to messages. It’s not like my pointless degree was helping with my real job.
Okay fine. It was geology. Rocks and stuff. You happy now? I bet you can’t tell the difference between sylvite and carnallite just by licking it, can you?
Anyway, the point is I came close to being chucked out. Actually I had to repeat the second year. At least I could afford it.
So anyway, I somehow got through to the end of my second year, the end of my second year again, and part way through my third year. I was passing my exams - just - and through several reinventions I had managed to maintain my social influencer role. Last Autumn I was getting some good views, and cash, back on YouTube. I was getting pretty good at make-up (I had an exclusive deal with one company on TikTok, and another deal with a different cosmetics company on YouTube). The videos that did well then were me with experimental hairstyles and not much in the way of clothes, putting on makeup for a few minutes, then reading out-of-copyright fiction in my patented “YouTube voice”. If you can imagine a cross between Shania Twain and Marge Simpson then… well, then you’re weird, but you’ve pretty much got it.
Then, last December, a week or so before the Christmas holidays, I went out with my friends. I had made a decent number, both girls and guys, by then. I could never quite tell whether it was my personality (which I assure you is fantastic), my influencer status, or the cash I was liberal with (it always seemed to be my round, and I didn’t mind). There were even a couple of boys who were keen on me, though I hadn’t done anything about it yet. Eight of us went out together to celebrate a birthday. It wasn’t actually anybody’s birthday that day, but Shireen had a Christmas Day birthday, and she wanted a proper party.
Now I look quite different in real life than I do online. I think the technical term is “frumpy” - jeans, trainers, fluffy jumper and a hat, or maybe a hoodie. The birthday girl had somehow convinced me to put a bit more effort in, and had helped me pick out some heels and a knee-length silver dress. Make-up was easy for me of course, and so I got dressed up and off we went to the Black Swan.
The Black Swan has several great qualities about it. One: it’s cheap. Two: it does good food. Three: it’s a couple of hundred metres from The Bar. We had a decent meal, a few drinks, and around 9 we walked to The Bar.
To be more precise, they walked. I wobbled. If you’ve watched my videos you might have seen me in heels, but did you ever see me walk in them? Didn’t think so.
The Bar is open til 3 in the morning. It looks respectable enough from the outside, especially in the afternoon; but after about 11, when most pubs close, it fills up with students drinking expensive-looking drinks. And almost every night, somebody jumps up onto a table, and then everybody’s up there dancing. In The Bar, either you hold your drink tightly, or you lose it.
I’d done this before, and I can handle my alcohol. I’ve stayed at The Bar till chuckout more than a few times, and I’ve been wobbly on the way home, but I’ve never thrown up or passed out. And so I was surprised when I woke up. The last thing I remembered was Stu saying he was tired, and Shireen replying that it wasn’t even midnight yet. Now I was lying on the hard wooden floor of my living room.
My head pounded. Daylight streamed through the window, and I blinked a few times and rubbed my eyes. My hands were wet and sticky.
I looked at them. They were covered in blood.
I looked down. My heels were across the room, but I was still wearing my dress. It, also, was covered in blood, a huge stain across the chest.
Panic set in. What happened to me last night? I checked myself out and could find no injuries. Where did the blood come from?
Standing up, I realised it was worse than that. Red pools stained the wooden floor. I don’t know much medicine, but if somebody had lost this much blood, I couldn’t see how they could have survived.
I stood up, unsure whether my shaking was from the shock or the alcohol. This was when I saw a shirt on the floor behind me. White, with a subtle pattern. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that it wasn’t my shirt. I lived alone, and rarely invited people back to my flat. I looked around some more. A pair of men’s black leather shoes by the door. And then I saw it.
I suppose, rather, I should say him. He was naked except for a pair of dark blue jeans, slumped in the open doorway to the kitchen, covered in blood, and very, very, dead.
I panicked then. I’m calmer now, so let’s take a moment to describe my conclusions that morning. I had got very drunk. I had met a guy. We’d come back to my flat. We’d been getting naked (the shoes and shirt weren’t bloodied). Then, for some reason, we’d had an argument or a fight. The body had stab wounds in the chest, and a pool of blood had congealed onto the wooden floor of the living room and the linoleum of the kitchen where the man collapsed. How did those stab wounds get there? I didn’t know for sure, but a quick glance at my kitchen counter showed that my sharp carving knife was missing. It was all coming together. I didn’t know if he had picked up the knife, or if I had; I didn’t know why either of us would do that. I didn’t even know his name, and later when I checked his pockets, I couldn’t find any ID.
There was a lot I didn’t know. But I’m smart. So once I was done crying on the floor (I think it was about two hours), I came up with a plan. This man was dead, and I couldn’t do anything about that. But what would the consequences be? There’s no need for my life to be ruined as well. I decided not to call the police. People go missing mysteriously all the time, he can just be another statistic and I’ll get on with my life.
The blood on Dave was mostly dry by now. (Sure, I didn’t know his name, but every bloke’s called Dave, right?) So I put a badly-fitting vest on him to soak up the remaining blood, and his shirt over the top, along with his shoes. His jeans were bloody, but they were dark, so hopefully it wouldn’t show up in low light. I couldn’t find his coat, which was odd given how cold it was, but this would have to do. I put my dress and heels in a plastic bag, and grabbed a spade that I never used. Had I missed anything?
The knife. The fucking knife. I searched all over for it, but by the time it got dark I still hadn’t found it. I knew I couldn’t delay for long, so I figured it was best to deal with Dave now, and find the knife later.
Eight o’clock in the evening came. I’m lucky I have parking right outside my house, no street cameras, and a ground-floor flat. I put the bag in the boot of my car and came back for the body.
Have you ever tried to move a dead person? It’s not easy, and I’m not exactly strong. I put my arm around his waist and eventually managed to heave him almost upright. “Come on Dave, that’s it. We’re gonna get you home. Maybe calm down on the tequila next time right? Try to keep it in, and don’t you dare vomit in my car, you sexy bastard.”
Oh come on, what do you want from me? I’m an influencer, not a stand-up comedian. And anyway, I don’t think anybody saw me during the several minutes it took to drag Dave to the passenger seat. I really wish I’d got round to buying a bigger car than the Fiat Punto I’d had since I was 18, but it was too late for that now.
There’s a place about an hour’s drive from me called Epping Forest. The Heritage Trust reckon it’s most famous for its huge tracts of unspoiled wildlife, thousands of trees, and Iron Age settlements. But around here it’s best known as the place where murderers and gang members bury bodies. So off I trundled in my 1.2 litre pensioner-mobile. I arrived around 9:30, checked Google Maps, and drove offroad into the woods.
Do you know how long it takes to dig a grave? The answer is: a long time! By dawn I’d only managed a hole about two feet. Oh, and it was my third try, because the first two times I found too much rock. Well, it would have to do. In went Dave, and I shovelled the ground back over him. I thought I could put my clothes in with him, but it was a shallow grave, and when the inevitable dog-walker finds it I didn’t want them linked back to me. I mean, there’s my DNA in there for sure, but let’s not make it too easy for them, right? So I chucked the spade in a river, and the clothes went back home with me, including the vest I’d lent him.
Now in England we have a thing called ANPR everywhere. The police can just type in a car registration and see exactly where it’s been from traffic cameras. I needed an alibi. Why had I gone to Epping Forest? For a hike of course! So I walked around for a few hours, got breakfast at a pub, and told the staff about all the wacky adventures I’d had that night. And while I was there, for the first time in a good long time, I checked my phone.
Hundreds of messages, of course. But only one sent a shiver down my spine.
Jolly_Gal_56234
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID
My heart thumped. My ears started ringing. I felt dizzy, nearly passed out. How could anybody know?
Of course nobody knew. I actually got messages like this fairly often. Just some idiot trying to wind people up. They’d probably sent a dozen messages just like it, to random people, and I just blocked her. Still it rattled me. I finished my breakfast, paid up, walked back to my car, and drove home.
My flat was just as I left it. Dave was gone, but his blood was still there. I scrubbed the floor for hours, and it helped a bit, but you could still see the stains. Exhausted, I showered and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up. I hadn’t posted anything for a day and a half, so I needed to do something about that. Scrolling through my messages, one stood out like a police light.
Jolly_Gal_28473
YOU’VE BEEN A BAD GIRL 🔪
Shit. SHIT! What the fuck is going on? I stared at my phone, paralysed with indecision. When I finally snapped out of it I made sure the door was locked, and tried to come up with a plan.
I had no idea who was sending these. Maybe they didn’t really know anything. You send stupid messages like that to hundreds of people, you’re gonna come across one who’s actually done something bad, right? I poured myself a big glass of gin, decided that nobody could know anything, and made a video.
Remember that one where I didn’t speak at all, just danced for three minutes dressed like 90s Britney to 70s disco music, titled “HANGOVER DANCE”? Yeah, that’s the one. I didn’t trust myself to speak without breaking, but I could dance about as well as I ever could.
The rest of the day I answered messages, emailed my sponsors, and considered getting an agent. It’s still just me doing everything, and that Sunday afternoon, I really didn’t want to. I also spent a few hours scrubbing the wooden floor with baking soda and vinegar, and looking for the knife.
I kept getting messages from Jolly_Gal. It didn’t matter how much I blocked her, she just popped up again the next day with different numbers at the end of her username. Always all-caps, just a single sentence.
YOU DON’T DESERVE IT
YOU’LL GET WHAT’S COMING TO YOU
OWN UP
DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT
Exactly one message a day, but always at different times. I decided it was a bot, and it was just coincidence that it started when it did. Until Christmas Day.
I’d been back at my parents’ for a few days, and endured the usual conversations about what I was going to do for a “proper job” after uni. They’re great, and really supportive. They’ve just never understood what an “influencer” really is, and that “playing on my phone” for six hours a day counts as work. My brother Rich gets it, but the rest of my family is honestly baffled.
Anyway, Christmas morning comes. All four of us were in the house together (my brother’s 17 so he still lives there), and we gathered together in the living room opening presents. It was a couple of weeks since the incident, and I still had nightmares every night, and those sudden panic attacks - you know, when you’re sure you’re going to be found out - but I was getting used to it. It had happened, I couldn’t change it, and I’d have to keep it secret for the rest of my life; but it was becoming a sort of background hum. I don’t know if that’s too quick, but I suppose I’ve learned to handle difficulty in my life.
Until we finished opening presents and I checked my phone.
Jolly_Gal_814385
HAPPY CHRISTMAS
And underneath, a photo of my kitchen knife, stained with blood.
I ran out of the house in tears.
Rich found me, sitting on the wooden bridge down the road from the house, my legs dangling over the river. I came here a lot when I was a teenager, so it was the first place he looked. I’d left my phone on the living room floor, and the three of them had seen the message, so he knew what triggered me. He just didn’t know the full story.
Well, I told him. I mean, not everything, obviously. But I told him how this person had been harassing me for weeks. He listened sympathetically, like he’s always done, and asked if there was anything he could do to help. I didn’t say anything; I just turned around, hugged him, and cried into his Christmas sweater.
After about half an hour we went back to the house. Rich explained things to my parents, thank goodness. I don’t think I could have handled it.
The rest of the holiday was … okay, I guess. More messages from Jolly_Gal, but only text. I made videos most days, and met all two of my old schoolfriends for drinks, movies and shopping. They’re big fans of my channels. I even took Rich out for drinks one evening, though it took us four pubs to find somewhere that wouldn’t ID him. He’s a bit of a babyface.
I did all I could not to think about Dave. I put him to the back of my mind, letting him live in the shed at the bottom of the garden of my psyche where he couldn’t disturb me. I guess that’s why it came as a shock to me, when I packed my stuff into the boot of my car to head back to uni.
There was one suitcase I’d packed but hadn’t got round to taking into the house. And peeking around the edge was that plastic bag. I’d forgotten to get rid of it!
Dad was helping me load the car, so I couldn’t do anything about it. I tucked it out of sight, finished loading up, said goodbye, and drove back to uni. It was dark when I got back, so I unpacked everything else, triple-bagged my bloody clothes, left my phone at home (no tracking me!), and walked two miles to drop them into somebody else’s wheelie bin.
The next morning I checked my messages.
Jolly_Gal_12592
WELCOME HOME
And a photo of me dumping the bag the night before.
You know what? This didn’t bother me. I mean, it did bother me, but not as much as I guess Jolly_Gal hoped. I’ve been bullied and harassed most of my life, and I’ve got pretty good at ignoring it. Sure, it was an escalation - she was actually following me - but it was just one of almost thirty messages. Jolly_Gal was hoping to destroy me. Instead, she hardened my resolve.
Clearly she had enough evidence to go to the police, but she hadn’t. And obviously she lived nearby. Now I’m no hacker, but you don’t do a job like mine without learning your way around technology. So I started sleuthing. I hadn’t bothered blocking her after the third or fourth message, so I made a list of all the messages, including timecodes. I’ve got a geology degree (almost), and we have techniques to analyse rock strata. Finally I had a genuine use for all that studying I sort of did!
Jolly_Gal was not as clever as she thought. She’d got sloppy. About half of her messages were sent at strange hours, on the hour. These were presumably posted by her bot. But the other messages were all sent between 7 and 8 am, or between 6 and 10 pm. So I guessed that she has a normal 9-5 day job, or maybe she’s a student.
Next I searched all the social media sites I could think of for Jolly_Gal or JollyGal usernames. There are a few, so please don’t go harassing people with that username! I don’t want innocent people to get hurt. After a few hours I had profiles of all Jolly_Gals. Pictures, locations, partial travel history, even birthdays for some of them. I discounted those who clearly weren’t in England, but I still had too many to narrow it down. The photos had no EXIF data so I couldn’t tell the type of phone or camera they used.
So my days became something like this: Five hours doing uni stuff, five hours working on my socials, and an hour or two learning digital sleuthing. I still went out with my friends sometimes, but made sure not to drink too much. I know how to have a good time without being drunk!
The breakthrough came by total chance. I rarely read the local papers, and just got lucky one afternoon in March. I was waiting for a friend in the pub after lectures, and there was a copy of the Post somebody had left on a table. So I flicked through it. The local council was rubbish at doing traffic. Some group of OAPS was organising a May Day celebration. And a woman had been convicted of body-snatching.
I recognised her! There was a photo of a woman in her early twenties. She’d been arrested when a corpse went missing back in December, and they’d seen her take it on the morgue’s CCTV. She’d been released on bail. “Prevention of the lawful and decent burial of a dead body” is a rare crime these days, so she hadn’t been sentenced yet; instead she was released until her sentencing, expected to be in August. Her name was Jenny Smith, which is so common as to be almost useless - that is, if you don’t have a profile of her on your laptop at home!
The report also gave her address. So I started hatching a plan. I texted my friend that I wouldn’t make it, and went home.
Jolly_Gal, or rather, Jenny, lived near me, and actually went to the same university. She had accounts on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, and a few others. Of course you can’t get Jolly_Gal by itself these days, but my profile gave all her precise usernames. I spent my evening watching her videos and reading her tweets. And then I found the smoking gun.
Jenny had posted a video on TikTok last June bitching about me. She’s way prettier than me, and yet I’d got all the subs and follows. She deserved all those sponsorship deals. It wasn’t fair that I had hundreds of thousands of subs and she only had a few thousand. She even said I was ugly and deserved to die.
Well, she got one out of two right, I guess. You can decide which one.
It all started to slot into place. Jenny was absurdly jealous of me, so she’d hatched a plan to destroy me. She must have roofied me in The Bar, got me and Dave back to my place, stabbed him, poured blood everywhere, and taken the knife home. I mean, I don’t know anything about forensic science, and I was drugged and panicked when I woke up that morning. I’d have no way of knowing that Dave had died days before he ended up in my flat!
I’d never managed to get all the blood out of the wooden flooring, and ended up putting a really misplaced rug over it. I chiselled off a sample and gave it to one of my friends who was doing a PhD in biology. It took a bit of persuading, but he ran an analysis on it.
It was pig’s blood.
Fuck Jenny. She’s not Jenny, or Jolly_Gal, she’s fucking Carrie!
She planned to destroy me. She ruined my mental health, she framed me for murder. All because I was more popular on TikTok than she was. Well, two can play at that game. I didn’t deserve what Jenny did to me. She did.
I thought about this all night, coming up with plan after plan, weighing them in my head. I wanted two things: to destroy Jenny, and to feel good about it for myself. Finally I had a course of action I’m actually rather proud of.
I decided to start slow. I did something anybody could have done - I mocked up a poster. At the top was “Jenny Smith - body snatcher!”. Underneath were two pictures, her Insta profile pic and the courthouse photo from the paper, and between them: “From This … To This!” And all her various social media handles to top it off. I printed hundreds of these, and pinned them all around the university and her street.
I’ve never thought of myself as an unkind person - God knows I’ve suffered enough myself to be sympathetic to others. But I’m willing to admit I felt a lot of satisfaction seeing her comments fill up with accusations and links to the online article. Jenny carried on making videos, but I could tell she was suffering. Good!
That was stage one. I had to up the ante for stage two. Jenny had covered me and my flat with pig’s blood, so I think we all know what’s coming next.
I pondered for a long time whether I should do it in the day or the night. But you know what they say - go big or go home. I scoped out her house for a while, and found out that she leaves her kitchen window, at the back of the house, open. Now I’m not the most athletic girl in the world, but I can be pretty determined when I want to be. So one night around 2 am I walked to her house - it’s only about half a mile - and climbed through the window.
I almost gave myself a heart attack when I knocked a glass over on the kitchen sink! Luckily it didn’t smash. I hid in a corner and waited for a full half hour before I decided Jenny hadn’t heard me. Then I snuck upstairs, slow as anything, and crept into her room.
Actually, the first room wasn’t hers. She shared with a couple of other students. Thank fuck I checked first! The second room was the right one. She was asleep, alone, in a double bed. I was so quiet that the only thing I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest as I opened my canvas bag, gently deposited its contents onto the pillow next to her, and took a photo. It didn’t come out that well - I couldn’t use the flash - but hey, I have a souvenir!
I really wish I’d seen her face when she woke up the next morning, staring at a pig’s head. She didn’t post on her socials for a week after that, and for two days she even forgot to send me a threatening message.
I’m sorry? You think I’m done? Oh, my sweet summer child. I’ve barely begun.
Jenny had a boyfriend, Abdul. I made sure he wasn’t around when I broke in, but stage three involved him in a big way.
Abdul was also at our university, a year younger than me, a year older than Jenny. He wasn’t very active on social media, but he did tend to broadcast his activity on Twitter. And what do you know? He’s also a fan of The Bar. So I spent the next month planning my move. I bought a new clubbing dress and heels - hey, I kinda missed that outfit! - and asked around for the other thing I needed. Some things you can’t just buy in Next, or a local butcher’s, but eventually I managed it.
I got my chance one Friday in May. Abdul had loudly announced on Twitter that he was excited for his boys’ night out in The Bar, and Jenny had been gushing about a girls’ night on the whole other side of town. Perfect. I spent hours on my makeup, and got to The Bar around ten. Abdul and his mates were having a drinking contest, and leching up at the girls dancing on the tables.
I figured I had a good long while before he would be ready, so I had a couple of drinks - not too much, but like I said I can handle myself, and I knew Jenny wasn’t around - and got up on the tables myself for a bit. Then about midnight Abdul’s friend got another round in, while Abdul was in the loo. This was my chance. I walked up to their table - which had no dancing feet on it, but a heck of a lot of spilled beer - and started talking to them, saying I thought their friend was hot.
“Uh, what the fuck?” “Not a chance in hell.” “Get lost, freak!”
Lovely chaps. But they were too far gone to notice me dropping something into Abdul’s double-whiskey-and-coke. For all I know, it’s the exact same thing Jenny used on me all those months ago.
Abdul came back and downed his whiskey in one gulp. I was worried he was going to vomit it up, but he held it in and blamed his difficulty on the coke fizz. Yeah mate, sure, sure.
Not too long after, he started to fade. His friends were really taking the piss out of him for being such a lightweight. Well, when I came over, the pisstaking just got worse. I introduced myself (with a fake name, duh) and told him he was hot. Believe it or not, it was only about twenty seconds before he put his tongue down my throat. Wow, I’m not sure I even needed to bother with the roofie!
His friends, who had been so intent on being mean to me, now turned their attention to him. I suggested we ditch them and go back to his place (I’d checked, it was only five minutes’ walk sober) - and off we went.
That was the first time I had sex. I’m sure I don’t need to go into details, but we did a lot of stuff, and I enjoyed it. I’m not sure if that’s because it was good, or because he was good, or because I knew what it was all for. I was impressed that he managed to keep going as long as he did in his state, but I do feel a bit sorry for him; from his Twitter he seems like a decent guy.
When he finally fell asleep I left. I’d got what I came for - pictures. And the next day I made a new account and sent a DM to Jenny.
At first I blurred my face, or chose shots that didn’t include it. A bit of editing and I could have been anybody. I watched their messy breakup on Twitter, Jenny hurling accusations, Abdul protesting his innocence. I know this is the age of social media, but I never understood why people play these things out in public.
And then, after posting a picture a day for a few weeks (I’d taken a lot of pictures), I sent one that showed my face clearly.
Jenny had managed to restrain herself from replying before, but now she knew who I was. She was furious! The very idea that her boyfriend had cheated on her with ME, of all people, was unbelievable. And this was exactly the outcome I’d been going for.
Jolly_Gal was broken. She’d ruined her reputation. She’d lost her boyfriend. She had nightmares about pigs (okay, so I don’t know that for certain, but in my imagination she woke up screaming every night). She was possibly going to prison. And now she knew that not only was I more successful than her as an influencer, but I was the one to steal her lover. She still sent messages, at first angry, but they soon degenerated into pleading. “Please stop.” “I’m sorry.” “We can work this out.” Jolly_Gal without CAPS LOCK, it was glorious to see.
In fact it was almost perfect. Three stages of my plan were complete, and only one remained. Jenny’s sentencing was in three weeks, so I had to move quickly.
She had two flatmates, so I needed to work around them. They weren’t particularly active on Twitter, but Jenny was. I knew from her tweets that while her flatmates had gone home, she was staying on a couple of weeks after the end of term. She didn’t say why publicly, but it was for her trial. No flatmates, no boyfriend. Now was the time.
And that brings us up to date. I’ve typed this up over the last few days, and saved as a draft. The final chapter, hopefully, comes tonight.
*******
I’m at Jenny’s house, and I’ve just called the police.
I turned up at Jenny’s door just after seven. Luck was with me - she’d tweeted that she was expecting a Deliveroo takeout. And I got there first.
The idiot actually kept the knife. I’d seen it when I was in her room. When she answered the doorbell, expecting food, and saw me - ah, the look on her face was priceless.
“I’m so sorry! Please, let’s just talk. I didn’t mean it to get this -”
I stalked towards her, anger in my face. Jenny fled upstairs. Perfect! She went into her room and shut the door, but I was like the furies of Greek legend. I smashed the door in, and looked on as Jenny cowered on her bed.
In full daylight, I saw the knife took pride of place in what looked like a shrine. She had photos of me printed out, and she’d written on them “BITCH”, “WHORE”, “FREAK” and all sorts of other hateful words.
Jenny had tried to make me into a murderer, so I gave her what she wanted. I grabbed the knife and stood over her. The coward shrank into the bed, begging for forgiveness, pleading for her life. Unfortunately for her I was not inclined to oblige. I plunged the knife into her chest, just as she had done to Dave all those many months ago. Jenny whimpered like a whipped dog, and after the ninth stab (yes, I counted), she stopped.
The police are on their way. I’m definitely going to jail after this. But Jenny got what was coming to her. We could both have lived happily, but Jenny chose otherwise.
And me? I passed my degree. I have friends. And jail or not, I have a life.
Burn in hell, Jolly_Gal.