Edit: List alphabetized for readability.
I'm working on a modpack right now and I'm trying to figure out what mod adds step assist so I can get rid of it or config it.
Here's my modlist:

[EMF] Entity Model Features [Fabric & Forge] (by traben_0) [ETF] Entity Texture Features - [Fabric & Forge] (by traben_0) Absent by Design (by Lothrazar) Ad Astra (by AlexNijjar) Ad Astra: Giselle Addon (by gisellevonbingen) Additional Lanterns (by SuperMartijn642) Additional Lights (by mgen256) Advanced Peripherals (by srrendi) Aether: Lost Content Addon (by ModdingLegacy) AI Improvements (by QueenOfMissiles) Ambient Environment (by Jaredlll08) Amendments (by plantspookable) Apotheosis (by Shadows_of_Fire) Apothic Attributes (AttributesLib) (by Shadows_of_Fire) AppleSkin (by squeek502) Architectury API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) (by shedaniel) Artifacts (by ochotonida) Athena (by CodexAdrian) AtomicStryker's Infernal Mobs (by atomicstrykergrumpy) AttributeFix (by DarkhaxDev) Balm (Forge Edition) (by BlayTheNinth) Beautify! (by Pandarix) Better Advancements (by way2muchnoise) Better Fishing Rods (by TrueRealCursed_Warrior) BetterF3 (by cominixo) Biomes O' Plenty (by Forstride) Blue Skies (by ModdingLegacy) Bookshelf (by DarkhaxDev) Botany Pots (by DarkhaxDev) Botany Pots Tiers (by Ultramegaaa) Botany Trees (by DarkhaxDev) Botarium (by CodexAdrian) Bow Infinity Fix (Forge/Fabric) (by Parker8283) Caelus API (Forge/NeoForge) (by TheIllusiveC4) Camera Mod (by henkelmax) Camp Chair (by dmitrylovin) Carpet Trapdoors [Forge] (by LordSebastio) Cat Jammies (by Buuz135) Cave Dweller Reimagined (by idk_someguy) Cave Dweller Sound Overhaul (by Scorchy) CC: Tweaked (by SquidDev) Chalk (by mortuusars) Charm of Undying (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4) Chat Heads (by dzwdz) Chicken Chunks 1.8.+ (by covers1624) Chimes (by CicadaBluw) Chipped (by terrariumearth) Chisels & Bits - For Forge (by AlgorithmX2) Clickable advancements[Forge/Fabric] (by someaddon) Cloth Config API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) (by shedaniel) Clumps (by Jaredlll08) CodeChicken Lib 1.8.+ (by covers1624) Collective (by Serilum) Colorful Hearts (by Terrails) Comforts (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4) Complementary Shaders - Reimagined (by EminGT) Complementary Shaders - Unbound (by EminGT) Configured (by MrCrayfish) Connected Glass (by SuperMartijn642) Construction Wand (by ThetaDev) Controlling (by Jaredlll08) Corail Tombstone (by Corail_31) Corail Woodcutter (by Corail_31) Cosmetic Armor Reworked (by LainMI) Craftable Horse Armour & Saddle [CHA&S] (by EwyBoy) Crafting on a stick (by OfekN_) Crafting Tweaks (by BlayTheNinth) CraftTweaker (by Jaredlll08) Create (by simibubi) Create Crafts & Additions (by MRHminer) Create Slice & Dice (by possible_triangle) Create: Steam 'n' Rails (by mattentosh) Creeper Overhaul (by joosh_7889) Cupboard (by someaddon) Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) (by TheIllusiveC4) Curious Lanterns (by Psilock1) Customizable Player Models (by tom54541) Customizable Player Models Simple Voice Chat compat (by tom54541) Customized Dungeon Loot (by XxRexRaptorxX) Dark Mode Everywhere (by Buuz135) Dark Paintings (by DarkhaxDev) Dark Utilities (by DarkhaxDev) Death Knell (by DarkhaxDev) Deep Aether (by TeamRazor) Deeper and Darker (by KyaniteMods) Default Options (by BlayTheNinth) Despawning Eggs Hatch (by Serilum) Ding (Forge) (by iChun) Do a Barrel Roll (by enjarai) Double Doors (by Serilum) Drip Sounds (Forge) (by PieKing1215) Duckling (by Frogipher) Dungeon Crawl (by xiroc_) Durability Tooltip (by SuperMartijn642) Dyenamics (by LobsterJonn) Dyenamics and Friends (by LobsterJonn) Easy Villagers (by henkelmax) Eating Animation [Forge] (by matyrobbrt) Eccentric Tome (by EccentricVamp) Edibles (by Serilum) EdivadLib (by 3divad99) Elytra Slot (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4) Embeddium (by embeddedt) Embeddium (Rubidium) Extra (by dimadencep) Embeddium++ (by SrRapero720) Embeddium/Rubidium Dynamic Lights (by Anthxny) Emotecraft (Forge) (by KosmX) Ender IO (by crazypants_mc_the_second) EnderChests (by ShetiPhian) EnderTanks (by ShetiPhian) Energy Meter (by Relentless) Entity Culling Fabric/Forge (by tr7zw) Even More Instruments! (by StavWasPlayZ) Everything is Copper (by LobsterJonn) Ex Nihilo: Sequentia (by NovaMachina) Explorer's Compass (by Chaosyr) Explorify – Dungeons & Structures (by bebebea_loste) Extra Disks (by MelanX) Extra Trades (by CAS_ual_TY) ExtraStorage (by 3divad99) Extreme Reactors (by ZeroNoRyouki) Extreme sound muffler - (Neo)Forge (by LeoBeliik) Falling Leaves (NeoForge/Forge) (by Cheaterpaul) Farmer's Delight (by vectorwing) Farsight [Forge] (by someaddon) Fast Leaf Decay (by olafskiii) FerriteCore ((Neo)Forge) (by malte0811) FindMe (by Buuz135) Fish On The Line (by Serilum) fix GPU memory leak[Forge/Fabric] (by someaddon) FLIB (by Lothrazar) FlickerFix (by MutantGumdrop) Flower Patch (by Mrbysco) Forgified Fabric API (by Su5eD) Framework (by MrCrayfish) Fresh Animations (by FreshLX) FTB Essentials (Forge & Fabric) (by FTB) FTB Library (Forge) (by FTB) FTB Ranks (Forge) (by FTB) FTB Ultimine (Forge) (by FTB) FTB XMod Compat (by FTB) Fuel Goes Here (by LobsterJonn) Functional Storage (by Buuz135) Fusion (Connected Textures) (by SuperMartijn642) GeckoLib (by Gecko) Genshin Instruments (by StavWasPlayZ) Get It Together, Drops! (by bl4ckscor3) Glassential Renewed (by big_energy) Goblin Traders (by MrCrayfish) Golems Are Friends Not Fodder (by LobsterJonn) GroovyModLoader (GML) (by matyrobbrt) Handcrafted (by terrariumearth) Harvest with ease (by CrystalSpider) Heartstone (by plantspookable) Hexxit Gear R (by ImVeryBad) Immersive Aircraft [Fabric/Forge] (by Conczin) Immersive Engineering (by BluSunrize) Jade 🔍 (by Snownee) JEITweaker (by Jaredlll08) JourneyMap (by techbrew) JourneyMap Integration (by frankV) Jumpy Boats (by LobsterJonn) Just Another Rotten Flesh to Leather Mod (by alexdaum1) Just Enough Archaeology (by LobsterJonn) Just Enough Items (JEI) (by mezz) Just Enough Professions (JEP) (by Mrbysco) Just Enough Resources (JER) (by way2muchnoise) Just Zoom [Forge] (by Keksuccino) Kiwi 🥝 (Forge) (by Snownee) Konkrete [Forge] (by Keksuccino) Kotlin for Forge (by thedarkcolour) KubeJS (by LatvianModder) L_Ender 's Cataclysm (by mcl_ender) LaserIO (by Direwolf20) Lazurite (by Su5eD) libIPN (by mirinimi) LibX (by noeppinoeppi) Lionfish API (by mcl_ender) Lithostitched (by Apollo) Lootr (Forge & NeoForge) (by Noobanidus) Macaw's Bridges (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Bridges - Biomes O' Plenty (by Samlegamer_) Macaw's Doors (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Fences - Biomes O' Plenty (by Samlegamer_) Macaw's Fences and Walls (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Furniture (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Furnitures - Biomes O' Plenty (by Samlegamer_) Macaw's Holidays (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Lights and Lamps (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Paintings (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Paths and Pavings (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Roofs (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Roofs - Biomes O' Plenty (by Samlegamer_) Macaw's Trapdoors (by sketch_macaw) Macaw's Windows (by sketch_macaw) Majrusz Library (by Majrusz17) Majrusz's Accessories (by Majrusz17) Measurements (by Mrbysco) Mighty Mail (Forge) (by MrCrayfish) MmmMmmMmmMmm (Target Dummy) (by MehVahdJukaar) Mob Despawn Timers (by Shadows_of_Fire) Mob Grinding Utils (by vadis365) Mod Name Tooltip (by mezz) Model Gap Fix (by MehVahdJukaar) ModernFix (by embeddedt) Modonomicon (by kli_kli) Moonlight Lib (by MehVahdJukaar) More Mob Variants (by nyuppo) More Mob Variants x Fresh Animations (by nyuppo) More Overlays Updated (by RiDGo8) More Red (by Commoble) Mouse Tweaks (by YaLTeR) MrCrayfish's Furniture Mod (by MrCrayfish) My Server Is Compatible (by focamacho) Mystical Oak Tree (by plantspookable) Name Tag Tweaks (by Serilum) Naturalist (by Starfish_Studios) Nature's Compass (by Chaosyr) Neko's Enchanted Books (by Nekomaster1000) NetherPortalFix (by BlayTheNinth) Night Lights (by joosh_7889) No Farmland Trample (by LobsterJonn) Notes (by Chaosyr) NovaCore (by NovaMachina) Nyctophobia (FORGE) (by finallion_13) Observable (by tasgon) Occultism (by kli_kli) Occultism KubeJS (by kli_kli) Oculus (by Asek3) Overloaded Armor Bar (by tfarecnim) Packet Fixer (by TonimatasDEV) Packing Tape (by gigaherz) Pam's HarvestCraft 2 - Crops (by pamharvestcraft) Pam's HarvestCraft 2 - Food Core (by pamharvestcraft) Pam's HarvestCraft 2 - Food Extended (by pamharvestcraft) Pam's HarvestCraft 2 - Trees (by pamharvestcraft) Passthrough Signs (by Girafi) Patchouli (by Vazkii) Path Under Gates (by cyberslas) Pig Pen Cipher (by DarkhaxDev) Placebo (by Shadows_of_Fire) Platforms (by ShetiPhian) playerAnimator (by KosmX) Polymorph (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4) Pop! (by ModdingLegacy) Potion Blender [Fabric/Forge] (by motivational_dragon) Potions Master (by thevortexFoxTopia) ProjectE (by SinKillerJ) Radiant Gear (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4) Rare Ice (Forge/Fabric) (by shedaniel) Reborn Storage (by Gigabit101) Rechiseled (by SuperMartijn642) Rechiseled: Chipped (by the_iwolfking) Rechiseled: Create (by SuperMartijn642) Refined Polymorphism (by ninety) Refined Storage (by raoulvdberge) Refined Storage Addons (by raoulvdberge) Reliquary Reincarnations (by P3pp3rF1y) Repurposed Structures (Neoforge/Forge) (by telepathicgrunt) Resourceful Config (by ThatGravyBoat) Resourceful Lib (by ThatGravyBoat) Rhino (by LatvianModder) RS Insert Export Upgrade (by Ultramegaaa) RSInfinityBooster (by hexeptiondev) Runelic (by DarkhaxDev) Searchables (by Jaredlll08) Security Craft (by Geforce132) ShetiPhianCore (by ShetiPhian) Shrink. (by Gigabit101) Silent Gear (by SilentChaos512) Silent Lib (silentlib) (by SilentChaos512) Simple Backups (by MelanX) Simple Discord Rich Presence (Forge / Fabric) (by Sunekaer) Simple Magnets (by SuperMartijn642) Simple Shops (by wolforce) Simple Voice Chat (by henkelmax) Simply Light (by Flanks255) Sit (by bl4ckscor3) Skinned Carts (by Mrbysco) Sky Structures (by TrueRealCursed_Warrior) Sky Villages [Forge] (by y4z0n) SmartBrainLib (Forge/Fabric/Quilt) (by Scimiguy) Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) (by MehVahdJukaar) Snow Under Trees (by bl4ckscor3) Snow! Real Magic! ⛄ (Forge) (by Snownee) Snowballs Freeze Mobs (by Serilum) Snuffles (by schnappdragon) Sooty Chimneys (by mortuusars) Sophisticated Backpacks (by P3pp3rF1y) Sophisticated Core (by P3pp3rF1y) Sophisticated Storage (by P3pp3rF1y) Sound Physics Remastered (by henkelmax) Structory (by botanydev) Structure Essentials[Forge/Fabric] (by someaddon) Structure Gel API (by ModdingLegacy) SuperMartijn642's Config Lib (by SuperMartijn642) SuperMartijn642's Core Lib (by SuperMartijn642) Supplementaries (by MehVahdJukaar) Supplementaries Squared (by plantspookable) Sushi Go Crafting (by Buuz135) TerraBlender (Forge) (by TheAdubbz) Terralith (by Starmute) The Aether (by TheAetherTeam) The Graveyard (FORGE/NEOFORGE) (by finallion_13) The Lost Cities (by McJty) The Twilight Forest (by Benimatic) The Undergarden (by Quek04) Time in a bottle [FORGE] (by MangoRage) Time in a bottle Curio Support (by MangoRage) Tiny Redstone (by Danny_and_Son) Titanium (by Buuz135) Toast Control (by Shadows_of_Fire) Tom's Simple Storage Mod (by tom54541) Tool Belt (by gigaherz) Torchmaster (by xalcon) Trash Cans (by SuperMartijn642) TrashSlot (by BlayTheNinth) Tumbleweed (by bconv) Twigs (by ninnih_) Universal Grid (by Ultramegaaa) Useless Sword (by Furti_Two) Utilitarian (by LobsterJonn) UtilitiX (by MelanX) Villager Names (by Serilum) Villagers Drop Emeralds on Death (by exlinegames) Void Totem (Forge) (by Affehund) Voidscape (by Tamaized) When Dungeons Arise - Forge! (by Aureljz) Wireless Chargers (by SuperMartijn642) Wither Skeleton Tweaks (by Shadows_of_Fire) Wool Tweaks (by Serilum) YUNG's API (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Jungle Temples (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Mineshafts (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Bridges (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Extras (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) YUNG's Menu Tweaks (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG) ZeroCore 2 (by ZeroNoRyouki) 

any portal i try to light and go through doesn't link at all, this leads to too much portals and could ruin my server, this isn't the obfuscation thing and im pretty sure its a mod i have.
here's a full list of my mods and the footage: Sky Structures

Dark Paintings Kotlin for Forge Easy Anvils [Forge & Fabric] Dungeon Crawl Konkrete [Forge] Dangerous Stone Cutter [Forge/Fabric] [Let's Do] API AutoRegLib Chalk AmbientSounds 5 [Let's Do] Beachparty Biome Music[Forge/Fabric] Savage Ender Dragon[Forge/Fabric] SuperMartijn642's Config Lib Extra Zombie Drops YUNG's Better Jungle Temples (Forge) Skeleton Horse Spawn Serene Seasons Name Tag Tweaks Radium Reforged Bookshelf Sooty Chimneys FullBright Cloth Config API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Torch Slabs Mod WATERMeDIA: Multimedia API Tough As Nails Artifacts Cultural Delights CodeChicken Lib 1.8.+ Just Enough Items (JEI) Night Lights Savage & Ravage Enchantment Descriptions Spelunkery Second Chance (Forge) Sit Naturally Spawning Vex Visuality: Reforged HT's TreeChop Make Bubbles Pop [Client] [Forge/Fabric/Quilt] Sophisticated Backpacks Pitch Perfect Not Enough Animations Better Allay [FABRIC/FORGE] [ETF] Entity Texture Features - [Fabric & Forge] Universal Bone Meal [Forge & Fabric] Another Liquid Milk Towns and Towers YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses (Forge) Death Knell Special Drops Portfolio Mouse Tweaks The Aethe Durability Tooltip Golems Are Friends Not Fodder Kiwi 🥝 (Forge) Double Doors Bedspreads (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Toast Control Placebo Supplementaries Squared Abnormals Delight Clear Water Respiteful The Twilight Forest CreativeCore YUNG's API (Forge) YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) MmmMmmMmmMmm (Target Dummy) Edibles Aquaculture 2 Chunk Sending[Forge/Fabric] Better Climbing Server Performance - Smooth Chunk Save[Forge/Fabric] Alex's Mobs Silveroak Outpost Chef's Delight [Forge] Ensorcellation Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) True Darkness Neapolitan Berry Good Supplementaries [Let's Do] Bakery Entity Collision FPS Fix Simple Shops Realistic Sleep Rare Ice (Forge/Fabric) Better Fog TerraBlender (Forge) Texels Paintings Cave Rats Buzzier Bees Chimes Stronger Snowballs Grabby Mobs Falling Leaves (NeoForge/Forge) Sophisticated Core Clear Lava and Water Alex's Delight Nyf's Spiders End's Delight CoFH Core Every Compat (Wood Good) Cupboard Another Furniture Carry On Farmer's Delight Drip Sounds (Forge) XP From Harvest Reworked Eating Animation [Forge] Path Under Gates Hourglass Cook your food Diet (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Despawning Eggs Hatch YUNG's Bridges (Forge) Domestication Innovation Incubation Brewin' And Chewin' Extra Delight Beautify! Comforts (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Snow Under Trees YUNG's Better Mineshafts (Forge) Variant Tools and Weaponry - More Weapons Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Forge) SwingThroughGrass YUNG's Extras (Forge) Better Fullbright TheDirtyStuff Blueprint Clumps Neko's Enchanted Books Moonlight Lib YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) Void Fog Framework More Mob Variants Villager Names CullLessLeaves Reforged (Unofficial) Lucent YUNG's Better End Island (Forge) Chat Heads Detail Armor Bar [Forge] AppleSkin Snowballs Freeze Mobs Food Effects YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) Iceberg [Forge] Mod Name Tooltip Architectury API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Snuffles Snow! Real Magic! ⛄ (Forge) Naturally Charged Creepers Just Enough Effect Descriptions (JEED) Cat Jammies Biomes O' Plenty Super Simple Voice Radio Tumbleweed GeckoLib Pet Pass: Trade Your Pets Presence Footsteps [Forge] Starlight (Forge) [Let's Do] Vinery Citadel [Let's Do] NetherVinery [EMF] Entity Model Features [Fabric & Forge] Random Mob Sizes Better Fps - Render Distance[Forge] Puzzles Lib [Forge & Fabric] Fullbright UB Collective Nature's Compass Fresh Animations Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) Easy Shulker Boxes [Forge & Fabric] Simple Tomb Amplified Nether Copperized Advancement Plaques [Forge] YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) Tax Free Levels (Fabric/(Neo)Forge) Boatload Camera Mod Simple Voice Chat Better Advancements Wool Tweaks Responsive Shields Carpet Trapdoors [Forge] Duckling Contact Nether's Delight Xtra Arrows Entity Culling Fabric/Forge Do a Barrel Roll Model Gap Fix Easy Magic [Forge & Fabric] MidnightLib Just Zoom [Forge] Catalogue Blur (Forge) Notes MrCrayfish's Gun Mod Farmer's Respite Iron Chests Twilight's Flavors & Delight Dynamic Lights Item Highlighter [Forge] Forgery 

https://reddit.com/link/1crvz2f/video/loc638bacnzc1/player
Dont mind the darkness, its another mod i just fixed

MINNESOTA NUMEROLOGY DECODE

Today I will be decoding the state of Minnesota. I recently did one for Massachusetts if you would like to check that out. I will begin decoding the letters in the state letter by letter and then point of conclusive insights afterwards.
M - This is the 13th letter of the alphabet which will point to the energies of 4 which represents caution, privacy, withholding, responsibility, order, restriction, and family. A place with this letter as the first letter will likely have things in order or order will be of significance.
I - This is the 9th letter of the alphabet which brings the energy of adventure, learning, wisdom, experience, and expansion.
N - Being the 14th letter, N vibrates at the energy of 5 which is the use of responsibility being used for creative purposes. This can take place in many forms, especially when it comes to a state and not a person.
N - Being the 14th letter, N vibrates at the energy of 5 which is the use of responsibility being used for creative purposes. 5 is the number of war and combat as well.
E - 5th letter of the alphabet which points to love, joy, romance, child-like energy, and creativity. 5 is the number of war and combat as well.
S - 19th letter which vibrates at the energy of 1, but in this case, Minnesota isn't a state looking to be in control or to get too much attention since the 1 energy isn't overbearing. In this case, the 1 represents being self-motivated and capable.
O - 15th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 6. 6 is about discipline, hospitality, compassion,etc.
T - 20th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 2. 2 is a money number and the number of cooperation, stability, and comfort. 2 is also about compassion as well.
A - 1st letter of the alphabet which is about action, observation, and opportunity.
Based on what we have decoded regarding the letters in Minnesota, we can see that the main repetitive number and energy is 5. 5 shows up 3 times in this state's name which equals 15 and then 6 when added and reduced. This is definitely a state that focuses on discipline, balance, and fairness. Justice or the justice system could be very significant for this state. This is also good for financial purposes because maybe they avoid causing financial problems for their residents. Family and love can also be significant for this state. They may welcome outsiders more easily than Massachusetts(I did a decode for them first). When violence arrises, they most likely take care of it as soon as possible to keep the state at a balanced medium.
We have the energy of 1 only repeating twice which means that this state may be more welcoming and cooperative in general. Could be nice acts of kindness pretty often. They likely create a fair workforce and living arrangements of their residents as much as possible.
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MASSACHUSETTS NUMEROLOGY DECODE

Interestingly enough, we don't hear much about this state. It's almost easy to overlook or straight up forget unless you are looking at a map. We are going to decode this state using Numerology and point out the reasons/indications that point towards it being such a silent city or at least not popular and frequented like other places. This will get very informative so enjoy the read.
We will now begin decoding each letter in detail.
M - This is The 13th letter of the alphabet Making this letter vibrate at the energy of 4. The energy of four represents privacy and caution. When it comes to 13 and the energy of 4, you have a person or an energy where it's more focused on self rather than connecting with others. So, like I mentioned, 4 is about privacy, caution, and withholding. 4 is pretty restrictive so when a person or place has this name, that you know these are very cautious people or you know that these are not people that take action without thinking. 4 is a very organized type of energy. As a state, this can translate to being a very restrictive state or a state that has particular rules in place. People who live in this state can even have some of these traits. This isn't the type of place to move to unless you want some type of restriction or a relaxed type of energy in your life. M is the strongest energy of this state since it is the first letter of the state's name. So, that alone can start speaking to why this isn't a state that is talked about as much as, let's say, New York or Florida.
A - This is the letter that represents number one as it is the first letter of the alphabet which lets you know that this is about initiation or fresh starts. When it comes to people, this speaks to having that focus on self or being self-motivated.
S - As the 19th letter of the alphabet, this letter vibrates at the energy of one, but it is from a place of being in power or being extremely independent. As a state, that's why the state can seem alone or like a stand alone and not really talked about because we already have a lot of indications that talk about being too self absorbed or too withheld.
S - As the 19th letter of the alphabet, this letter vibrates at the energy of one, but it is from a place of being in power or being extremely independent. As a state, that's why the state can seem alone or like a stand alone and not really talked about because we already have a lot of indications that talk about being too self absorbed or too withheld.
A - This is the letter that represents number one as it is the first letter of the alphabet which lets you know that this is about initiation or fresh starts. When it comes to people, this speaks to having that focus on self or being self-motivated. This is the second time we got this letter and energy.
C - 3rd letter of the alphabet which can represent communication and creativity
H - 8th letter of the alphabet which talks about structure, pressure, seriousness, and mastery.
U - 21st letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 3. This shows compassion, especially when an individual has this in their name. This also can add more creative juices to a person or the state.
S - As mentioned above, this is the 19th letter of the alphabet and vibrates at the energy of 1.
E - 5th letter of the alphabet which points to combat, creativity, romance, joy, change, and events.
T - 20th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 2 which can point to cooperation, stability, comfort, and proactivity. This is a money number just like the number 8, but 2 represents more frequency.
T - 20th letter of the alphabet which vibrates at the energy of 2 which can point to cooperation, stability, comfort, and proactivity. This is a money number just like the number 8, but 2 represents more frequency.
S - As mentioned above, this is the 19th letter of the alphabet and vibrates at the energy of 1.
As you can see, Massachusetts has 6 letters that vibrate at the energy of 1 which equals 6. 6 is about comfort, family, beauty, and discipline. We can see that this may be a state that values discipline which goes well with the fact that it starts with M which is similar to discipline because 4 energy is responsible and even family oriented. We can assume that this state operates from a place of balance and fairness. They may not tolerate what a lot of other states tolerate. Jobs could possibly be a little easier to get here just based on how a lot of the numeric values barely get to the number 9. 1 is the main number that stands out within this state which can point to them doing their own thing and not wanting to identify with how other states do things.
Very individualistic type of energy. People that live in this state could either be workaholics, dogmatic, serious, responsible, controlling, family oriented, shy, or even mean. Routine could be a big thing here. Some or a lot of the residents could even be big on being business owners. This could even be a state where couponing is or can be a big deal. This state may not have too many outside visitors like Florida or Nevada does and the residents could have been there for a long time.
This is a good place to live if you plan on settling down with your own family or partner, if you want a simple and quiet life, if it's just you and only you, if you want to downsize, etc. You get the point. The energy of Massachusetts is very much on the personal and private side.
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any portal i try to light and go through doesn't link at all, this leads to too much portals and could ruin my server, this isn't the obfuscation thing and im pretty sure its a mod i have.
here's a full list of my mods and the footage: Sky Structures

Dark Paintings Kotlin for Forge Easy Anvils [Forge & Fabric] Dungeon Crawl Konkrete [Forge] Dangerous Stone Cutter [Forge/Fabric] [Let's Do] API AutoRegLib Chalk AmbientSounds 5 [Let's Do] Beachparty Biome Music[Forge/Fabric] Savage Ender Dragon[Forge/Fabric] SuperMartijn642's Config Lib Extra Zombie Drops YUNG's Better Jungle Temples (Forge) Skeleton Horse Spawn Serene Seasons Name Tag Tweaks Radium Reforged Bookshelf Sooty Chimneys FullBright Cloth Config API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Torch Slabs Mod WATERMeDIA: Multimedia API Tough As Nails Artifacts Cultural Delights CodeChicken Lib 1.8.+ Just Enough Items (JEI) Night Lights Savage & Ravage Enchantment Descriptions Spelunkery Second Chance (Forge) Sit Naturally Spawning Vex Visuality: Reforged HT's TreeChop Make Bubbles Pop [Client] [Forge/Fabric/Quilt] Sophisticated Backpacks Pitch Perfect Not Enough Animations Better Allay [FABRIC/FORGE] [ETF] Entity Texture Features - [Fabric & Forge] Universal Bone Meal [Forge & Fabric] Another Liquid Milk Towns and Towers YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses (Forge) Death Knell Special Drops Portfolio Mouse Tweaks The Aethe Durability Tooltip Golems Are Friends Not Fodder Kiwi 🥝 (Forge) Double Doors Bedspreads (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Toast Control Placebo Supplementaries Squared Abnormals Delight Clear Water Respiteful The Twilight Forest CreativeCore YUNG's API (Forge) YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) MmmMmmMmmMmm (Target Dummy) Edibles Aquaculture 2 Chunk Sending[Forge/Fabric] Better Climbing Server Performance - Smooth Chunk Save[Forge/Fabric] Alex's Mobs Silveroak Outpost Chef's Delight [Forge] Ensorcellation Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) True Darkness Neapolitan Berry Good Supplementaries [Let's Do] Bakery Entity Collision FPS Fix Simple Shops Realistic Sleep Rare Ice (Forge/Fabric) Better Fog TerraBlender (Forge) Texels Paintings Cave Rats Buzzier Bees Chimes Stronger Snowballs Grabby Mobs Falling Leaves (NeoForge/Forge) Sophisticated Core Clear Lava and Water Alex's Delight Nyf's Spiders End's Delight CoFH Core Every Compat (Wood Good) Cupboard Another Furniture Carry On Farmer's Delight Drip Sounds (Forge) XP From Harvest Reworked Eating Animation [Forge] Path Under Gates Hourglass Cook your food Diet (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Despawning Eggs Hatch YUNG's Bridges (Forge) Domestication Innovation Incubation Brewin' And Chewin' Extra Delight Beautify! Comforts (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Snow Under Trees YUNG's Better Mineshafts (Forge) Variant Tools and Weaponry - More Weapons Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Forge) SwingThroughGrass YUNG's Extras (Forge) Better Fullbright TheDirtyStuff Blueprint Clumps Neko's Enchanted Books Moonlight Lib YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) Void Fog Framework More Mob Variants Villager Names CullLessLeaves Reforged (Unofficial) Lucent YUNG's Better End Island (Forge) Chat Heads Detail Armor Bar [Forge] AppleSkin Snowballs Freeze Mobs Food Effects YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) Iceberg [Forge] Mod Name Tooltip Architectury API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Snuffles Snow! Real Magic! ⛄ (Forge) Naturally Charged Creepers Just Enough Effect Descriptions (JEED) Cat Jammies Biomes O' Plenty Super Simple Voice Radio Tumbleweed GeckoLib Pet Pass: Trade Your Pets Presence Footsteps [Forge] Starlight (Forge) [Let's Do] Vinery Citadel [Let's Do] NetherVinery [EMF] Entity Model Features [Fabric & Forge] Random Mob Sizes Better Fps - Render Distance[Forge] Puzzles Lib [Forge & Fabric] Fullbright UB Collective Nature's Compass Fresh Animations Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) Easy Shulker Boxes [Forge & Fabric] Simple Tomb Amplified Nether Copperized Advancement Plaques [Forge] YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) Tax Free Levels (Fabric/(Neo)Forge) Boatload Camera Mod Simple Voice Chat Better Advancements Wool Tweaks Responsive Shields Carpet Trapdoors [Forge] Duckling Contact Nether's Delight Xtra Arrows Entity Culling Fabric/Forge Do a Barrel Roll Model Gap Fix Easy Magic [Forge & Fabric] MidnightLib Just Zoom [Forge] Catalogue Blur (Forge) Notes MrCrayfish's Gun Mod Farmer's Respite Iron Chests Twilight's Flavors & Delight Dynamic Lights Item Highlighter [Forge] Forgery 

https://reddit.com/link/1cphsuw/video/loc638bacnzc1/player
Dont mind the darkness, its another mod i just fixed

I set up a modified Life in the Village 3 server via Forge for myself and two others but I'm having a hard time getting it to not crash even with performance mods installed. It worked well enough the first time I set it up, but now with an upgraded RAM and GPU it just lags and crashes. \
What can I do to get this server up and running smoothly?
My hardware specs are: i7-4790 CPU @ 4.00GHz, NVIDIA GeForce RTX 3060, and 16.0 GB of RAM
I set my java arguments as -Xmx8G -Xmn128M. I haven't set anymore because I've found a lot of mixed information on what to add and don't quite understand what they do.
I've installed spark and couldn't get any useful information from it and can't seem to install Observable correctly as it just crashes on startup if I try to install it client side (it's installed server side, but I don't see it in the key bind menu).
My assumption is that my two main causes of lag are Alex's Mobs and Serene Seasons but when loaded into the game, even in a village I have only x/180 entities and have added the serene seasons fix which is supposed to help with the tick issue in that mod.
Edit: Should also add that the server consistently says that it's 40 ticks behind and that I crash most often when opening any inventory menus be it the player inventory, chests, or otherwise.
Server Mod List:
abnormals_delight-1.18.2-3.0.2.jar
AdvancementPlaques-1.18.2-1.4.5.1.jar
AkashicTome-1.5-20.jar
alexsdelight-1.18.2-1.3.3.jar
alexsmobs-1.18.6.jar
Amplified_Nether_v1.1.1.jar
appleskin-forge-mc1.18.2-2.4.1.jar
Aquaculture-1.18.2-2.3.12.jar
aquamirae-5.api10.jar
Archaeology-1.18.2-v1.0.jar
architectury-4.11.93-forge.jar
ars_creo-1.18.2-2.1.4.jar
ars_elemental-1.18.2-0.4.9.9.jar
ars_instrumentum-1.18.2-2.5.0.jar
ars_nouveau-1.18.2-2.8.0.jar
artifacts-1.18.2-4.2.1.jar
AutoRegLib-1.7-53.jar
balm-3.2.6.jar
beautify-1.18.2-1.4.1.jar
BetterAdvancements-1.18.2-0.2.0.146.jar
betterchunkloading-1.18.2-2.2.jar
bettersafebed-1.18-forge-a.jar
BiomesOPlenty-1.18.2-16.0.0.134.jar
blockcarpentry-1.18-0.3.0.jar
blockui-1.18.2-0.0.62-ALPHA.jar
Blue Skies Tcon 1.18.2-0.0.2.jar
blueprint-1.18.2-5.5.0.jar
blue_skies-1.18.2-1.3.12.jar
Bookshelf-Forge-1.18.2-13.2.53.jar
BrewinAndChewin-1.18.2-1.0.1.jar
buildersaddition-1.18.2-20220308a.jar
BuildersDelight-1.18.2-v.1.0.jar
buzzier_bees-1.18.2-4.0.0.jar
bygonenether-1.2.2-1.18.2.jar
caelus-forge-1.18.1-3.0.0.2.jar
canary-mc1.18.2-0.3.3.jar
carryon-1.18.2-1.17.1.11.jar
catalogue-1.6.2-1.18.2.jar
cherishedworlds-forge-1.18-5.1.1.0.jar
Chimes-1.1.2-1.18.2.jar
Chunk-Pregenerator-1.18.2-4.4.3.jar
citadel-1.11.3-1.18.2.jar
clickadv-1.18.2-2.5.jar
cloth-config-6.4.90-forge.jar
Clumps-forge-1.18.2-8.0.0+17.jar
CNB-1.18.2-1.5.1.jar
collective-1.18.2-6.53.jar
comforts-forge-1.18.2-5.0.0.6.jar
configured-2.0.1-1.18.2.jar
connectivity-1.18.2-3.2.jar
constructionwand-1.18.2-2.9.jar
Controlling-forge-1.18.2-9.0+22.jar
cookingforblockheads-forge-1.18.2-12.2.0.jar
CosmeticArmorReworked-1.18.2-v2a.jar
create-1.18.2-0.5.0.i.jar
create-stuff-additions1.18.2_v2.0.2c.jar
create_enchantment_industry-1.18.2-for-create-0.5.0.i-1.2.0.jar
CreaturesFromTheSnow-Alpha+1.18.2.jar
creeperoverhaul-1.3.1-forge.jar
crittersandcompanions-1.18.2-1.0.2.jar
Croptopia-1.18.2-FORGE-2.1.0.jar
ctov-2.9.4.jar
Cucumber-1.18.2-5.1.3.jar
culturaldelights-1.18.2-0.14.jar
cuneiform-1.18.2-1.3.3.1.jar
cupboard-1.18.2-1.5.jar
curioofundying-forge-1.18-5.3.0.0.jar
curios-forge-1.18.2-5.0.9.0.jar
curiouselytra-forge-1.18.1-5.0.1.0.jar
curiousshulkerboxes-forge-1.18.1-4.2.0.0.jar
daily_rewards_1.18.2-1.4.0.jar
DarkerDepths-1.18.2-1.0.6-patch4.jar
DarkPaintings-Forge-1.18.2-10.0.4.jar
davespotioneering-1.18.2-1.2.2.jar
DoggyTalentsNext-1.18.2-1.18.11.jar
domesticationinnovation-1.4.2-1.18.2.jar
domum_ornamentum-1.18.2-1.0.55-ALPHA-universal.jar
DrawersTooltip-1.18.2-forge-5.0.0.jar
dungeons_enhanced-1.18.2-3.2.1.jar
dungeons_gear-1.18.2-4.0.2-beta.jar
dungeons_libraries-1.18.2-2.0.5-beta.jar
ecologics-forge-1.18.2-1.7.11.jar
edibles-1.18.2-4.1.jar
ellemes-container-library-1.4.0-beta.3+1.18.2-quilt.jar
End's Phantasm - BETAv1.2.10.5 - 1.18.2.jar
endrem_forge-5.2.0-R-1.18.2.jar
Enhanced_Celestials-forge-1.18.2-2.0.7.jar
Enlightened End RE Release V1.21.jar
environmental-1.18.2-2.0.0.jar
everythingcopper-1.18.2-0.1.1.0.jar
expandability-6.0.0.jar
extlights-4.4.jar
fantasyfurniture-1.18.2-3.14.0.jar
FarmersDelight-1.18.2-1.2.0.jar
FarmersRespite-1.18.2-1.3.0.jar
FastFurnace-1.18.2-6.0.3.jar
FastLeafDecay-28.jar
Fastload-Reforged-2.6.9+1.18.2.jar
FastSuite-1.18.2-3.0.2.jar
FastWorkbench-1.18.2-6.1.1.jar
feature_nbt_deadlock_be_gone_forge-2.0.0+1.18.2.jar
ferritecore-4.2.2-forge.jar
finallyfarmabledyes-1.18.2-1.2.1.1.jar
floormats-1.18.2-v1.5.4.jar
flywheel-forge-1.18.2-0.6.8.a.jar
forgivingvoid-forge-1.18.1-6.0.1.jar
ftb-chunks-forge-1802.3.13-build.234.jar
ftb-essentials-1802.1.7-build.42.jar
ftb-library-forge-1802.3.11-build.177.jar
ftb-quests-forge-1802.3.14-build.191.jar
ftb-teams-forge-1802.2.10-build.96.jar
ftb-ultimine-forge-1802.3.3-build.70.jar
Galosphere-1.18.2-1.2.2-Forge.jar
geckolib-forge-1.18-3.0.57.jar
ghosts-1.0.6.jar
goblintraders-1.8.0-1.18.2.jar
golemsarefriends-1.18.2-0.1.0.1.jar
guardvillagers-1.18.2.1.4.3.jar
healingcampfire-1.18.2-5.1.jar
hexerei-0.2.2.jar
heyberryshutup-1.18.2-0.1.0.2.jar
Highlighter-1.18.1-1.1.2.jar
humancompanions-1.18.2-1.7.3.jar
Iceberg-1.18.2-forge-1.0.49.jar
idas_forge-1.6.7+1.18.2.jar
IKnowWhatImDoing-5.0.0-forge.jar
incubation-1.18.2-2.0.2.jar
integrated_api_forge-1.2.8+1.18.2.jar
inventorysorter-1.18.2-19.0.4.jar
item-filters-forge-1802.2.8-build.47.jar
ItemBorders-1.18.1-1.1.5.jar
Jade-1.18.2-forge-5.2.6.jar
JadeAddons-1.18.2-forge-2.4.1.jar
jei-1.18.2-forge-10.2.1.1005.jar
jobsplus-1.18.2-0.8.2.jar
jumpboat-1.18.2-0.1.0.3.jar
JustEnoughProfessions-1.18.2-1.3.0.jar
kelpfertilizer-1.18.2-3.0.jar
kingvillager-1.10.jar
kleeslabs-forge-1.18.2-11.1.1.jar
kotlinforforge-3.11.0-all.jar
kubejs-forge-1802.5.5-build.569.jar
lazydfu-1.0-1.18+.jar
littlecontraptions-forge-1.18.2.1.jar
littlelogistics-mc1.18.2-v1.2.6.jar
logprot-1.18.2-1.6.jar
lootbeams-1.18.1-release-july1722.jar
lootr-1.18.2-0.3.24.61.jar
L_Enders Cataclysm-0.51-changed Them -1.18.2.jar
majobroom-1.4.1--1.18.2-forge.jar
Mantle-1.18.2-1.9.45.jar
mcw-bridges-3.0.0-mc1.18.2forge.jar
mcw-fences-1.1.1-mc1.18.2forge.jar
mcw-paths-1.0.4forge-mc1.18.2.jar
mcw-roofs-2.3.0-mc1.18.2forge.jar
mcw-windows-2.2.1-mc1.18.2forge.jar
MerchantMarkers-1.18.2-1.3.0.jar
mermod-forge-1.01.jar
minecolonies-1.18.2-1.1.149-RELEASE.jar
morevillagers-forge-1.18.2-3.3.2.jar
multi-piston-1.18.2-1.2.15-ALPHA.jar
NaturesCompass-1.18.2-1.9.7-forge.jar
neapolitan-1.18.2-3.0.0.jar
netherdepthsupgrade-3.0.0-1.18.2.jar
NethersDelight-1.18.2-2.2.0.jar
nightlights_1.18.2_1.1.jar
nocube's_sea_dwellers_2.2.0_forge_1.18.2.jar
nocube's_villagers_sell_animals_1.2.0_forge_1.18.2.jar
nomadictents-18.2.4.jar
nutritionalbalance-1.18.2-3.1.1.jar
oauth-1.1.15-1.18.2.jar
obscure_api-10.jar
observable-2.2.3-forge.jar
Oh_The_Biomes_You'll_Go-forge-1.18.2-1.4.7.jar
onetwenty-0.3.1-1.18.2.jar
OreBerries-Replanted-1.18.2-0.1.9.jar
Patchouli-1.18.2-71.1.jar
Paxi-1.18.2-Forge-2.1.1.jar
pioneer-1.18.2-1.0.1.jar
Placebo-1.18.2-6.6.7.jar
pollen-forge-1.6.1+1.18.2.jar
polylib-forge-1801.0.2-build.13.jar
polymorph-forge-1.18.2-0.46.jar
Prism-1.18.2-1.0.1.jar
productivebees-1.18.2-0.9.3.0.jar
productivevillagers-1.0.6.jar
projectvibrantjourneys-1.18.2-4.1.1.jar
PuzzlesLib-v3.3.6-1.18.2-Forge.jar
Quark-3.2-358.jar
questsadditions-1.18.2-1.4.1.jar
randomite-1.18.2-1.1.2.jar
repurposed_structures_forge-5.1.14+1.18.2.jar
rhino-forge-1802.2.1-build.255.jar
sapience-1.18.2-1.0.1.jar
secondchanceforge-1.18.2-1.5.0.jar
selene-1.18.2-1.17.9.jar
sereneseasonfix-1.18.2-1.0.6.jar
SereneSeasons-1.18.2-7.0.0.15.jar
serverconfigupdater-2.2.jar
Shrines-1.18.2-4.1.0.jar
shutupexperimentalsettings-1.0.5.jar
simplehats-forge-1.18.2-0.2.0.jar
simpleshops-1.2.1.jar
SimpleStorageNetwork-1.18.2-1.6.2.jar
smoothchunk-1.18.2-1.9.jar
sophisticatedbackpacks-1.18.2-3.18.46.821.jar
sophisticatedcore-1.18.2-0.5.52.256.jar
sophisticatedstorage-1.18.2-0.7.7.359.jar
starlight-1.0.2+forge.546ae87.jar
starterkit-1.18.2-5.2.jar
StorageDrawers-1.18.2-10.2.1.jar
storageracks-1.18-1.0.2.jar
structure_gel-1.18.2-2.4.7.jar
structurize-1.18.2-1.0.424-ALPHA.jar
StylishEffects-v3.1.0-1.18.2-Forge.jar
supermartijn642corelib-1.1.7-forge-mc1.18.jar
supplementaries-1.18.2-1.5.17.jar
Swashbucklers 2.5.jar
takesapillage-1.0.3-1.18.2.jar
TConstruct-1.18.2-3.6.4.113.jar
TerraBlender-forge-1.18.2-1.2.0.126.jar
Titles-1.18.2-3.5.0.jar
tombstone-7.6.4-1.18.2.jar
ToolBelt-1.18.2-1.18.9.jar
towns_and_towers_forge-1.10.0.1+1.18.2.jar
TradingPost-v3.2.0-1.18.2-Forge.jar
trashslot-forge-1.18.2-11.0.3.jar
TravelersTitles-1.18.2-Forge-2.1.1.jar
UndergroundVillages-1.18.2-1.1.0.jar
upgradedcore-1.18.2-3.3.0.0-release.jar
upgradednetherite-1.18.2-4.3.0.1-release.jar
Uppers-0.4.1.jar
usefulhats-1.18.2-2.0.2.0.jar
vanity-forge-1.0.1+1.18.2.jar
villagernames-1.18.2-5.2.jar
villagertools-1.18-1.0.2.jar
VisualWorkbench-v3.3.0-1.18.2-Forge.jar
VTweaks-1.18.2-3.6.7.jar
WaterStrainer-1.18.2-13.0.0.jar
waystones-forge-1.18.2-10.2.1.jar
weaponleveling-1.18.2-1.4.3.jar
wildbackport-1.2.3.jar
winteroverhaul-1.0.3.jar
workers-1.18.2-1.5.2.jar
XaerosWorldMap_1.29.4_Forge_1.18.2.jar
Xaeros_Minimap_23.3.2_Forge_1.18.2.jar
XPFromHarvest-1.18.2-1.2.2.jar
ydms_redpanda-forge-1.18.2-1.0.2.jar
YungsApi-1.18.2-Forge-2.2.9.jar
YungsBetterDesertTemples-1.18.2-Forge-1.3.1.jar
YungsBetterDungeons-1.18.2-Forge-2.1.0.jar
YungsBetterMineshafts-1.18.2-Forge-2.2.jar
YungsBetterOceanMonuments-1.18.2-Forge-1.0.3.jar
YungsBetterStrongholds-1.18.2-Forge-2.1.1.jar
YungsBetterWitchHuts-1.18.2-Forge-1.0.1.jar

any portal i try to light and go through doesn't link at all, this leads to too much portals and could ruin my server, this isn't the obfuscation thing and im pretty sure its a mod i have.
here's a full list of my mods and the footage: Sky Structures

Dark Paintings Kotlin for Forge Easy Anvils [Forge & Fabric] Dungeon Crawl Konkrete [Forge] Dangerous Stone Cutter [Forge/Fabric] [Let's Do] API AutoRegLib Chalk AmbientSounds 5 [Let's Do] Beachparty Biome Music[Forge/Fabric] Savage Ender Dragon[Forge/Fabric] SuperMartijn642's Config Lib Extra Zombie Drops YUNG's Better Jungle Temples (Forge) Skeleton Horse Spawn Serene Seasons Name Tag Tweaks Radium Reforged Bookshelf Sooty Chimneys FullBright Cloth Config API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Torch Slabs Mod WATERMeDIA: Multimedia API Tough As Nails Artifacts Cultural Delights CodeChicken Lib 1.8.+ Just Enough Items (JEI) Night Lights Savage & Ravage Enchantment Descriptions Spelunkery Second Chance (Forge) Sit Naturally Spawning Vex Visuality: Reforged HT's TreeChop Make Bubbles Pop [Client] [Forge/Fabric/Quilt] Sophisticated Backpacks Pitch Perfect Not Enough Animations Better Allay [FABRIC/FORGE] [ETF] Entity Texture Features - [Fabric & Forge] Universal Bone Meal [Forge & Fabric] Another Liquid Milk Towns and Towers YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses (Forge) Death Knell Special Drops Portfolio Mouse Tweaks The Aethe Durability Tooltip Golems Are Friends Not Fodder Kiwi 🥝 (Forge) Double Doors Bedspreads (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Toast Control Placebo Supplementaries Squared Abnormals Delight Clear Water Respiteful The Twilight Forest CreativeCore YUNG's API (Forge) YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) MmmMmmMmmMmm (Target Dummy) Edibles Aquaculture 2 Chunk Sending[Forge/Fabric] Better Climbing Server Performance - Smooth Chunk Save[Forge/Fabric] Alex's Mobs Silveroak Outpost Chef's Delight [Forge] Ensorcellation Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) True Darkness Neapolitan Berry Good Supplementaries [Let's Do] Bakery Entity Collision FPS Fix Simple Shops Realistic Sleep Rare Ice (Forge/Fabric) Better Fog TerraBlender (Forge) Texels Paintings Cave Rats Buzzier Bees Chimes Stronger Snowballs Grabby Mobs Falling Leaves (NeoForge/Forge) Sophisticated Core Clear Lava and Water Alex's Delight Nyf's Spiders End's Delight CoFH Core Every Compat (Wood Good) Cupboard Another Furniture Carry On Farmer's Delight Drip Sounds (Forge) XP From Harvest Reworked Eating Animation [Forge] Path Under Gates Hourglass Cook your food Diet (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Despawning Eggs Hatch YUNG's Bridges (Forge) Domestication Innovation Incubation Brewin' And Chewin' Extra Delight Beautify! Comforts (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Snow Under Trees YUNG's Better Mineshafts (Forge) Variant Tools and Weaponry - More Weapons Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Forge) SwingThroughGrass YUNG's Extras (Forge) Better Fullbright TheDirtyStuff Blueprint Clumps Neko's Enchanted Books Moonlight Lib YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) Void Fog Framework More Mob Variants Villager Names CullLessLeaves Reforged (Unofficial) Lucent YUNG's Better End Island (Forge) Chat Heads Detail Armor Bar [Forge] AppleSkin Snowballs Freeze Mobs Food Effects YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) Iceberg [Forge] Mod Name Tooltip Architectury API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Snuffles Snow! Real Magic! ⛄ (Forge) Naturally Charged Creepers Just Enough Effect Descriptions (JEED) Cat Jammies Biomes O' Plenty Super Simple Voice Radio Tumbleweed GeckoLib Pet Pass: Trade Your Pets Presence Footsteps [Forge] Starlight (Forge) [Let's Do] Vinery Citadel [Let's Do] NetherVinery [EMF] Entity Model Features [Fabric & Forge] Random Mob Sizes Better Fps - Render Distance[Forge] Puzzles Lib [Forge & Fabric] Fullbright UB Collective Nature's Compass Fresh Animations Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) Easy Shulker Boxes [Forge & Fabric] Simple Tomb Amplified Nether Copperized Advancement Plaques [Forge] YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) Tax Free Levels (Fabric/(Neo)Forge) Boatload Camera Mod Simple Voice Chat Better Advancements Wool Tweaks Responsive Shields Carpet Trapdoors [Forge] Duckling Contact Nether's Delight Xtra Arrows Entity Culling Fabric/Forge Do a Barrel Roll Model Gap Fix Easy Magic [Forge & Fabric] MidnightLib Just Zoom [Forge] Catalogue Blur (Forge) Notes MrCrayfish's Gun Mod Farmer's Respite Iron Chests Twilight's Flavors & Delight Dynamic Lights Item Highlighter [Forge] Forgery 

https://reddit.com/link/1coxmmw/video/loc638bacnzc1/player
Dont mind the darkness, its another mod i just fixed

any portal i try to light and go through doesn't link at all, this leads to too much portals and could ruin my server, this isn't the obfuscation thing and im pretty sure its a mod i have.
here's a full list of my mods and the footage: Sky Structures

Dark Paintings Kotlin for Forge Easy Anvils [Forge & Fabric] Dungeon Crawl Konkrete [Forge] Dangerous Stone Cutter [Forge/Fabric] [Let's Do] API AutoRegLib Chalk AmbientSounds 5 [Let's Do] Beachparty Biome Music[Forge/Fabric] Savage Ender Dragon[Forge/Fabric] SuperMartijn642's Config Lib Extra Zombie Drops YUNG's Better Jungle Temples (Forge) Skeleton Horse Spawn Serene Seasons Name Tag Tweaks Radium Reforged Bookshelf Sooty Chimneys FullBright Cloth Config API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Torch Slabs Mod WATERMeDIA: Multimedia API Tough As Nails Artifacts Cultural Delights CodeChicken Lib 1.8.+ Just Enough Items (JEI) Night Lights Savage & Ravage Enchantment Descriptions Spelunkery Second Chance (Forge) Sit Naturally Spawning Vex Visuality: Reforged HT's TreeChop Make Bubbles Pop [Client] [Forge/Fabric/Quilt] Sophisticated Backpacks Pitch Perfect Not Enough Animations Better Allay [FABRIC/FORGE] [ETF] Entity Texture Features - [Fabric & Forge] Universal Bone Meal [Forge & Fabric] Another Liquid Milk Towns and Towers YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses (Forge) Death Knell Special Drops Portfolio Mouse Tweaks The Aethe Durability Tooltip Golems Are Friends Not Fodder Kiwi 🥝 (Forge) Double Doors Bedspreads (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Toast Control Placebo Supplementaries Squared Abnormals Delight Clear Water Respiteful The Twilight Forest CreativeCore YUNG's API (Forge) YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) MmmMmmMmmMmm (Target Dummy) Edibles Aquaculture 2 Chunk Sending[Forge/Fabric] Better Climbing Server Performance - Smooth Chunk Save[Forge/Fabric] Alex's Mobs Silveroak Outpost Chef's Delight [Forge] Ensorcellation Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) True Darkness Neapolitan Berry Good Supplementaries [Let's Do] Bakery Entity Collision FPS Fix Simple Shops Realistic Sleep Rare Ice (Forge/Fabric) Better Fog TerraBlender (Forge) Texels Paintings Cave Rats Buzzier Bees Chimes Stronger Snowballs Grabby Mobs Falling Leaves (NeoForge/Forge) Sophisticated Core Clear Lava and Water Alex's Delight Nyf's Spiders End's Delight CoFH Core Every Compat (Wood Good) Cupboard Another Furniture Carry On Farmer's Delight Drip Sounds (Forge) XP From Harvest Reworked Eating Animation [Forge] Path Under Gates Hourglass Cook your food Diet (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Despawning Eggs Hatch YUNG's Bridges (Forge) Domestication Innovation Incubation Brewin' And Chewin' Extra Delight Beautify! Comforts (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) Snow Under Trees YUNG's Better Mineshafts (Forge) Variant Tools and Weaponry - More Weapons Let Sleeping Dogs Lie (Forge) SwingThroughGrass YUNG's Extras (Forge) Better Fullbright TheDirtyStuff Blueprint Clumps Neko's Enchanted Books Moonlight Lib YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) Void Fog Framework More Mob Variants Villager Names CullLessLeaves Reforged (Unofficial) Lucent YUNG's Better End Island (Forge) Chat Heads Detail Armor Bar [Forge] AppleSkin Snowballs Freeze Mobs Food Effects YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) Iceberg [Forge] Mod Name Tooltip Architectury API (Fabric/Forge/NeoForge) Snuffles Snow! Real Magic! ⛄ (Forge) Naturally Charged Creepers Just Enough Effect Descriptions (JEED) Cat Jammies Biomes O' Plenty Super Simple Voice Radio Tumbleweed GeckoLib Pet Pass: Trade Your Pets Presence Footsteps [Forge] Starlight (Forge) [Let's Do] Vinery Citadel [Let's Do] NetherVinery [EMF] Entity Model Features [Fabric & Forge] Random Mob Sizes Better Fps - Render Distance[Forge] Puzzles Lib [Forge & Fabric] Fullbright UB Collective Nature's Compass Fresh Animations Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) Easy Shulker Boxes [Forge & Fabric] Simple Tomb Amplified Nether Copperized Advancement Plaques [Forge] YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) Tax Free Levels (Fabric/(Neo)Forge) Boatload Camera Mod Simple Voice Chat Better Advancements Wool Tweaks Responsive Shields Carpet Trapdoors [Forge] Duckling Contact Nether's Delight Xtra Arrows Entity Culling Fabric/Forge Do a Barrel Roll Model Gap Fix Easy Magic [Forge & Fabric] MidnightLib Just Zoom [Forge] Catalogue Blur (Forge) Notes MrCrayfish's Gun Mod Farmer's Respite Iron Chests Twilight's Flavors & Delight Dynamic Lights Item Highlighter [Forge] Forgery 

https://reddit.com/link/1cox281/video/loc638bacnzc1/player
Dont mind the darkness, its another mod i just fixed

TW: Emotional neglect, abuse, all of the things.
This is more or less my origin story, my introduction to this community, my attempt to reintegrate my loving parts back into presence. Part rant, part reaching out for community and connection, *no advice*,
Here's the situation as best I can describe it in less than an hour before losing all energy for the rest of the day, week, month, who knows.
My CPTSD and the horrid collection of trauma abuse and neglect that I experienced only started unfolding for me after I finished graduate school and was living on my own. It was then that I started experiencing physical and emotional safety for some of the first times ever. I had starting going to therapy re: perfectionism (oh how I thought it was so simple) and slowly, gradually, then all of a sudden, traumatic memories, the flashbacks, the nightmares, goodness gracious the nightmares, I crashed, physically, emotionally, socially. I had built up some savings, enough of a cushion to quit my job and continue going to therapy for the next few months while I figured out what was next (yes, thank you privilege). What was next was more therapy, and dedicating my life to slowly trying to unwind and rebuild. Fast forward 2 years I feel like I'm back where I started.
I was the "good boy" growing up. Poster child in my community. Front pages of newspapers. Valedictorian. I did all the things I thought I was supposed to (which amounted to self-erasure, self-harm, calling it love, I didn't know what a boundary was until around this time, which explained the utter lack of them in all areas of my life and the crippling fear of emotional intimacy that I could never really explain to other people or even myself despite watching it wreak havoc on my nervous system. So I did all the things. Sometimes I wish I was more aware of the neglect and abuse like the younger people I see on here, and then I remember that just because my journey looks different, because I had my college paid for by my parents, because I kept the pain so far repressed that even I was completely unaware of what lay beneath my 3AM nights in the library, running from romantic relationships after the slightest hint of connection appears, it doesn't make my story or anybody else's more, or less, painful, or valid, for that matter. It wasn't safe to see how my world rested on a house of cards, I wasn't safe nor ready to face that, I'm still not really safe and I'm scared that I'm still not ready, even though I know that isn't totally true and that abuse like this is specifically designed to make me feel totally incapable of wiping my own ass without calling for my mom's approval or guidance.
I often feel totally unable to explain my situation or feelings to anybody else, so I haven't really, and deny myself the community that I know I need to get myself into a healthier place, physically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, all the things. It's also incredibly difficult bringing any of this to relationships that I had built up prior to unearthing all this pain and trauma considering it feels true that I had spent my entire life learning and replicating how to give myself a faux love, a faux sense of belonging and safety that masked a deep sense of self-hatred and misery. It was the only way to preserve my holy image of my parents, people that I grew up revering, tattoos that I marked on my body honoring my relationship with my mother that sometimes now feels like a brand, but that I am trying to hold space for that child inside of me that had zero, (my gaslighting mind questions, "zero? really?") yes, zero chance of growing up in the environment I did with an intact self-esteem. It's one thing coming to terms with my own complex trauma and patterns of abuse and the shame and the unlearning and all the things, it's another thing trying to write it all down, or talk it out, when I really have never felt comfortable using words to express my feelings, since whenever I did I was gaslit beyond recognition to the point that I, like many of you, am trying so god damn hard to unlearn the self-gaslighting, compassionately of course. My world revolved around my parents as it was designed to, so naturally, when these things started to come to the surface, who else but them would I bring them to, hoping that surely they'd be able to hold me and my feelings in the way I needed. What a slap in the fucking throat. I'm learning to express my feelings and my story through art, or poetry, abstract and splatter paintings, or movement (If anyone wants to try...I've started making hideous paintings, in colors that look like nothing ordinary at first glance, or to the watchful eyes of my parents. Imagine gray and black streaks in weird and random blobs everywhere. Gross, right? Nothing noteworthy? Something my parents can look at, satisfying their deep need to ingest, consume, salivate over any and everything that comes forth from my existence. So I take pictures of whatever I paint, then I edit the crap out of them, changing the colors entirely, the grays become purple, the yellows deep blue, the blacks become as dark as the midnight sky and the speckles light up like stars and suddenly it's like an entire universe comes to life underneath whatever is on the surface, in those moments I feel a sense of connection with anybody who has ever turned to art, or quilting, to express identity, community, love, from within an abusive or oppressive relationship that at times I still constantly trick myself into believing that living with my parents (as I'm doing right now) is wonderful, is safe, is loving, is where I need to be, even as I type all of this out. With art it's like my parents can see whatever I've painted, but me and only me has access to the real art, whatever is on the canvas for them to see is a distraction. And I feel like a piece of fucking ungrateful shit for hiding it from them, and I'm learning to love those parts of me too.
I've been losing, or walking away, or both, from so many of the relationships I've built up to this point and when people express confusion about what I'm going through or set boundaries for themselves, I don't even have the energy to try to explain. Because again, how do you explain to someone who has solid ground under their feet the pain of seeing the entire foundation underneath you crumble, becoming a floating body through space, through dreams, completely altering one's perception and experience of time and space. It feels like it'd take a lifetime explaining to non CPTSD people or people who aren't incredibly compassionate, present, radical, who understand the experiences of feeling completely on the outside of society sometimes even while being right in the middle of it. It feels like it'd take a lifetime and I can validate that now knowing that it actually has been lifetimes, numerous lifetimes, multiple generations, centuries of colonialization, of orchestrated attempts to sever entire continents of people from their ancestral lines and ways of operating in harmony and connection with the world, with the earth, to get to where I'm at now. I feel like I can empathize with that experience, of being totally severed from what would be healing for me and learning to identify it as the poison.
I newly identify as queer, which is confusing enough without CPTSD. Lord, the imposter syndrome. I'm trying to reconcile the reality of living in a capitalist cisheteropatriarchal white supremasociety, living in and forging my identity within a gender binary that totallyyyyyyyyy fucked me up. Born amab, dad's world revolves around a sport, I was always referred to as and praised for being, playing, moving like a "coaches kid." Not to mention, I grew up at a school for 18yo "boys" only. And I played the part exceptionally. I've never watched High School Musical fully, but I imagine part of my story would be like if Troy Bolton came out years later, as queer, or maybe trans, or maybe they didn't know, but they knew that it felt like their life had never really been his, theirs, to begin with, that they felt so disconnected from the person that walked through the halls of that high school that they don't even remember the lyrics to the songs that they song. How frustrating it is having people say, "You don't remember that? Come on, remember? You have to!" Fucking christ the difficulty of coming to terms with this fucking brutal, tortorous, and beautiful condition. I am both so relieved to have finally found the thing that can make all the puzzle pieces finally click together. The mysterious ailments. The constant injuries. The pain. The feeling deep down that something, surely, is off, despite the feeling that everyone, most importantly myself, trying to convince me that I'm making it up, that my parents love me, that they see how much my parents love me, even if they express it in ____ ways. Sometimes I have grace and compassion for my parents because I look at them like babies, stuck in their own self-sabatoging loops of hatred and self-abuse, and it allows me to have compassion for them, yet it doesn't explain why I continue to live with them, continue to deny myself, starve myself, starving myself even while being well-fed is some of the most difficult shit to come to terms with especially while doing so from inside the family unit that taught me how to hate myself. I have compassion for my parents because I know they were taught to hate themselves too, except I'm becoming increasingly more concerned that what I'm mistaking compassion for is actually me making excuses for letting them continue to gaslight, manipulate, or coax me into staying in this dysfunctional (to put it lightly) family system with gifts that have strings attached, despite how much my mother claims her love is unconditional. It makes me sad to see her love herself this way, and when I say love I mean hate. And when I say hate I'm using it as a verb. I'm tired of hating (verb) myself in the name of love.
So how the fuck is a person who might possibly identify as trans supposed to come into their selves when it feels like my entire world up to this point has been predicated upon some falsehood. A matrix. Trying to explain even a teaspoon of this to anybody who doesn't have CPTSD or hasn't done deep intergenerational healing work or who isn't trauma informed is...well about as difficult as this CPTSD survivor trying to answer a "tell me about yourself" question. you may know the feeling. Where the f*** does one even begin when every night and every day new memories are coming to the surface? I feel like CPTSD survivors stories begin long before our birth, or maybe it's what I tell myself to sleep at night, that yes my abusers are part of the issue, and it's also true that now I am too a part of the issue, carrying on my parents legacy for them, carrying on the self-hatred of their parents, and I ultimately hold the systems responsible that made my family of creatives to take the paint brushes that we could've used to craft massive, intricate, colorful paintings, and instead began painting a life-size prison to force ourselves inside.
I feel like CPTSD survivors are uniquely positioned alongside other actively erased and oppressed communities because of the ways we have been force fed and in turn many of us learned to internalize the hatred that racist capitalism wants us to inherit, a complete abandonment of self in devotion to some empire that would have us feel guilty for even daring to imagine a world more beautiful than the one we've lived in our whole lives, which can feel like an internal dumpster fire despite people within the crab-bucket claiming that the family that we have that is hurting us is all we'd ever need (or all we deserve). I'm learning to love my CPTSD and this community as a form of resistance. If not for my CPTSD how else might my body tell me that something isn't right and that we're trying to heal. But why do we have to do this work? It's so unfair. To not ask to be born in this world and then be handed this pile of ____ (insert your fav adjective) is ridiculous, and it's unfair, and I don't want to do the work, at all, but then I know deep down that if I want to love myself in any capacity that resembles something like safety, I have to. this is humbling, and exhausting, and humiliating, embarrassing, I have so much hope in the people here because of the burden I know I've carried on my shoulders, walking a path that is sure to leave me blacksheeped by my family and knowing that I still must carry on, anyway, for me, for my family (birth or chosen, even though there is part of me that wants to unalive or hurt myself just to hurt my parents, since I know they see me as an extension of them and not a real person, maybe then they'd understand. Maybe if I plucked my own heart out of my own chest it would hurt them too, like a voodoo doll, and yet I know that I don't deserve that treatment for myself despite how much it makes me salivate. For 26 years I found my identity in the internal gaslighting, the self-abandonment, the not trusting of my own gut instincts because of how I were treated so long ago before I could remember. My story feels so horrifying that I'm scared to choose myself because of how painful I know it will be.
Like I said, I went NC from my parents and started this journey 2 years ago. A lot of shit went down, and I found myself back here again, under their embrace, often unaware of how terrible and inhumane the conditions I'm living in are, despite however neatly wrapped and gifted they might be. I've told myself "I might as well get free housing from the people that fucked me up, if it's gotta be like this, might as well let them pay for my groceries, pay for my college, it's the least they could do, after all, I was their responsibility and I feel like they royally fucked that up, so it's the least they could do, and they're children in adult bodies, so why not let them feel okay about theirselves as parents for providing me with a bed to sleep in. But I'm getting back to the point of recognizing that a bed to sleep in and conditional love is not something that I feel comfortable with. I deserve more. I deserve to feel safe. I deserve to go to the bathroom and not have my parents be able to hear the trickling of my pee from the other side of the wall. I deserve to masturbate without fearing that my parents will walk into my room completely unannounced at any point. My parents are living in this misery and it's a misery I inherited and placed upon myself. And I don't want that anymore, I need love and I need safety and I need connection, to feel safe, to begin the recovery work (I hope I'm not totally restarting, like it feels) of trying to meet myself again. I fear I've pushed myself so far down that I'll never be able to meet them again and that scares the shit out of me, and I hope that anytime I come to this stream I'm being guided by love, by the part of me that knows deep down the things that happened to me over and over and over again, yes, really were that bad, it's why I don't remember anything and partly explains why I feel like I'm literally starting an entire new life, like a video game that I'm starting a new game in for the first time, with no manuals. I feel like a baby being given the keys to car, left alone in this vast world to try and figure out where the fuck to begin. The world I was born into exposed me, unfairly, to all the systemic suffering in the world, and then I was neglected, left as a child to go and try to sleep so that I could wake up for elementary school the next day having just watched Law & Order SVU for the 4th straight night that week alongside my parents, my young brain internalizing how terrifying the world could be, how terrifying I was being told that the world was. I'm white, and unfortunately my parents don't recognize how that doesn't mean we are unscathed from white supremacy. I was exposed to horrific torture and neglected as if a child didn't have emotional needs.
I feel myself starting to get a bit rambly, so I think I'll end this here. I'm writing this from inside the lion's den (my parents), even though I think the den is now healthy and alive inside my own heart, and it's time to choose myself again, I think I've lost my way. And I'm trying not to think that I'm horrifically doomed and trapped just because I ended up back here again, surely hoping that things could be different, that they could love me, see me, hold me, help me, is a natural and common thing for any child of the world. It goes against every fiber in my body to reconcile the fact that the people who brought me into this world, who continue to try to keep me tethered to their hip, can't give me what I need, what I'm looking for. They never could, and I doubt they ever will (part of me remains completely, pathetically, ridiculously hopeful that maybe some day that will change, even though I know it probably won't.)
This was much longer than I anticipated, if you read this far it probably means that we're a little bit alike in our experiences. I'm so sorry for that. And I'm glad I'm not alone. I know that I'll probably need to find my way to EMDR, but first I think I've got to prioritize getting myself to safety. I'm thinking about packing up what stuff I have and finding a place to WWOOF. Does anyone have any positive experiences? I'm hoping that by immersing myself in nature and learning to tend with and move with the land I can hopefully begin to recover some of what I've lost, or what I've never had to begin with, love. A deep, safe, unconditional love, with the Earth. I'm terrified that I'll find myself in another unsafe situation, I feel like a traumatized little child (newsflash in some ways I totally am!) and that going to live on a farm with total strangers is a terrible idea. But growing up next to total strangers called m o m and d a d who still have an unrelenting ability to go through plastic water bottles like it's their job was probably much worse than living with people devoting to living with the land and growing their own food, cultivating life, and love, could it really be worse than being in a situation and gaslighting myself into believing that under this roof, with my parents, is where I belong?
IDK. With love <3
P.S. sometimes I imagine that my life is a video game, a quest of sorts, it makes it slightly more manageable, until I fathom that if this truly were a game I probably would have stopped playing a long time ago.

(Post Update two - Uncovered a new potential lead)
So I have thrown together a modpack with various mods involving Ars Nouveau, listed below. But i keep getting ominous messages as i kill off mobs. Talking about my soul getting weak. And in general, implying some sort of “energy overload” is happening. I dont have the Ars Oculus mod installed but it seems pretty dark-magic related nonetheless.
Is this flavor text, or an actual warning. Is this dangerous? And if so, how do i fix it?
The Ars Nouveau mods are: the core mod, Ars Elemental, Ars Creo, Ars Instrumentum, Ars artifice, Ars Scalaes, Ars Additions, Ars Trinkets, Ars Expanded Combat, Extended Glyphs.
Full list is Resource Lib, Sophisticated Backpacks, Xaro’s Worldmap. Xaro’s minimap, Yung’s Better dungeons, Yungs better strongholds, Yung’s better Nether fortresses, AppleSkin, Archatectury API (fabic, Forge, Neo Forge), Balm (forge edition),Better fishing loot tables, Cloth Config API (fabric forge Neo forge), Comforts (fabric, forge, quilt), Corpse, Crafting Tweaks, Create, Create Crafts & Addons, Create Jetpack, Create Slice & Dice, Create Stuff & Additions, Create Fishing Bobber Detector, Create Molten Vents, Croptopia, Dynamic Lights, EpheroLib, Expanded Combat, Explorers compass, Farmer’s Delight, Fast Leaf Decay, FTB Library (Forge) Fusion (connected textures), Inventory Essentials, Iron Chests, Just Enough Items, Kotlin for Forge, Leaves Be Gone (forge & Fabric), Lithostitched, Mob Grinding Utils, Nature’s Compass, No Crop Trampling, Patchouli, Rechiseled Create, Scaling Health, Silent Lib (silentlib), Storage Drawers, SuperMartijn642’s Config Lib, SuperMartijn642’s Core Lib, TeraBlender (forge), Villager Names, Waystones, Yung’s API, Yung’s better desert temples, Yung’s better jungle temples, Yung’s better mineshafts, Yung’s better ocean monuments, Yung’s better witch huts.
Edit 1: so i kept slaying mobs to farm for the health crystals from the “scaling health” mod, and it said something along the lines of “your soul shatters, and you are now the profane. You will bear this curse for eternity” And at the same time, it said i became something like a “Second Circle” mage. Plus, my mana pool drastically increased and/or my usage rate decreased. I continued to slay mobs and the cycle happened again minus the “second circle” detail. I can only imagine that this means that after eradicating X number of mobs, the game gives you much more mana but allegedly ‘damns your avatar’ at the same time. I see no other gameplay changes at the moment, so i assume it’s a RP/User Lore change and not something to be extremely concerned about. IE, it is intended more as a method of growing much stronger in a bloody hands method rather than “good hearted” means.
I will keep this post updated if i uncover more information, but i doubt i will.
Update 2 (potential breakthrough): i may have found the source of the messages. Ars Trinkets has a leveling system implemented, on by default as of more recent releases. It involves cores that will level up which “multiplicatively increase your mana” according to their Curseforge page. I have yet to actually run significant tests. But considering the messages are constantly stating “you are forming a new core” after a progressively increasing number of slain mobs, and that the mod has a glyph that indicates the number of cores obtained by a player, i have reason to believe this is the root of the messages.

edit: i dont know if anyone will ever look at this again but I got my grade back and got a 150/150 😌 thank you all for your kind words and feedback i haven’t been this proud of something i’ve written in a long time!!!
Hi SocietyOfTheSnow , I hope you're all having a great night. I've been lurking on this subreddit for a few months while I was working on this, so I figured it was only fair for me to share it here now that it's done (I think?). I am an undergraduate student at an university in the U.S., and I wrote this for my media ethics class. If you don't wanna read it, that's cool! If you do read it, thank you, and if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know (but be nice about it pls! I worked hard and am sensitive!)!! <3 also formatting is weird sorry I don't feel like fixing it lmfao, films are in italics, books are in bold
On October 12, 1972, a chartered Fairchild FH-227D departed from Montevideo, Uruguay en route to Santiago, Chile. The plane carried forty passengers and five crew members, including the nineteen members of the “Old Christians” rugby team, the team physician and his wife, as well as some supporters, family members, and friends of the team. Although scheduled to land the same day, the pilot decided to make a one-night stopover in Mendoza, Argentina due to bad weather. The plane departed again on October 13, 1972, at 2:18 pm. Because they couldn't go directly over the towering peaks of the Andes Mountains, the plane was supposed to take a 370-mile route south to Malargüe, west through the Planchon Pass to Curico, and north to Santiago. This should’ve taken an hour and a half. Clouds were obscuring the mountains, so the pilots were likely using radio navigation to get through the pass. Here, one of the pilots made a deadly error, incorrectly piloting the plane north and beginning the descent. Due to the heavy cloud cover, they didn’t realize their mistake until it was too late. The plane slammed into a mountain, losing both of the wings and the tail, causing seven passengers to fall from the open fuselage, all of whom were later found deceased. The crash is briefly described in an excerpt from a 2016 National Geographic interview with survivor Dr. Roberto Canessa. It reads:

“It was a very abrupt moment. We had rented an air force plane to go from Uruguay to Chile. We were trying to cross the Andes when the pilot said, “Fasten your seatbelts, we are going to enter some turbulence.” Rugby players like to fool around and play macho. So we were throwing around rugby balls and singing a song, “Conga, conga, conga: the plane is dancing conga.” The next thing, someone looked out the window and said, “Aren’t we flying too close to the mountains?!” The pilot had made a huge mistake: He’d turned north and begun the descent to Santiago while the aircraft was still in the high Andes. He began to climb until the plane was nearly vertical and it began to stall and shake. Then we smashed into the side of the mountain. I was thrown forward with tremendous force and received a powerful blow to my head. I thought, “You’re dead.” I grabbed my seat and recited a Hail Mary. Someone cried out, “Please God, help me, help me!” It was the worst nightmare you can imagine. Another boy was screaming, “I’m blind!” When he moved his head I could see his brain—and a piece of metal sticking out of his stomach.”

The plane's fuselage came to rest in the cirque of the Glacier of Tears, at an elevation of 11,710 ft. Including the aforementioned seven that fell out of the plane during the initial impact, twelve passengers died in the crash and five more died from various injuries and ailments over the next few days.
Inside the fuselage, the survivors had found a meager amount of chocolate bars, jam, almonds, and dried fruits, as well as several bottles of wine. They rationed what they had, but it lasted only a week, and so, left with no alternative, the survivors resorted to anthropophagy. Survivor Dr. Roberto Canessa writes of the situation in his book I Had To Survive: How A Plane Crash In The Andes Inspired My Calling To Save Lives, excerpt adapted for The Daily Mail:

“Our common goal was to survive — but what we lacked was food. We had long since run out of the meager pickings we’d found on the plane, and there was no vegetation or animal life to be found. After just a few days we were feeling the sensation of our own bodies consuming themselves just to remain alive. Before long we would become too weak to recover from starvation. We knew the answer, but it was too terrible to contemplate. The bodies of our friends and teammates, preserved outside in the snow and ice, contained vital, life-giving protein that could help us survive. But could we do it? For a long time we agonized…Maybe a miracle might occur just in time to avoid what seemed to us a hideous transgression. Never had the consequences of time seemed so gruesome. But true hunger is atrocious, instinctive, primordial, and God witnessed the groaning of my insides. In time, a rational and loving answer emerged to calm my fears and give me inner peace…Gradually, each of us came to our own decision in our own time. And once we had done so, it was irreversible. It was our final goodbye to innocence. We were never the same again.”

Aircrafts from Argentina, Chile, and Uruguay searched for the missing flight for 8 days, after which they decided to call off the search under the assumption that there were no survivors and resume looking when the snow starts to melt to recover the bodies. The survivors saw aircraft fly over the crash site on three separate occasions, but the rescuers were unable to spot the white fuselage against the snow. Intense snowstorms often kept them trapped inside the wreckage of the plane for twenty-four hours at a time. During these first few weeks, the survivors began making small excursions to explore the general vicinity of the airplane. However, they didn't have any clothing made for the cold weather, causing hypothermia, and also struggled against snow blindness, dehydration, malnourishment, altitude sickness, and the extreme nighttime cold, which made it impossible for them to travel a meaningful distance away from the fuselage. Despite this, by the last week in October, a group had been chosen to leave the crash site and try to reach help - Nando Parrado, Roberto Canessa, Adolfo “Fito” Strauch, and Numa Turcatti - and the survivors had begun to make preparations for the impending trek.
On October 29, a bit more than two weeks after the crash, tragedy once again befell the group when an avalanche struck the fuselage, burying it in snow and ice, and filling the cabin within just a few feet of the ceiling. This disaster killed eight and trapped the remaining survivors inside. Survivor Nando Parrado describes the aftermath in his book Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home:

“The snow that invaded the fuselage was so deep that we couldn’t stand; we had barely enough headroom now to crawl about the plane on hands and knees. As soon as we had the stomach for it, we stacked the dead at the rear of the plane where the snow was deepest, which left only a small clearing near the cockpit for the living to sleep. We packed into that space - nineteen of us now, jammed into an area that might have comfortably accommodated four - with no choice but to squeeze together, our knees, feet, and elbows tangled together in a nightmare version of a scrum.”

After three days, six survivors worked together and managed to dig their way through the cockpit, squeeze past the dead pilots’ bodies, push through the window and the snow, and reach the surface, only to be met with a blizzard that kept them in the fuselage under the snow for another three days. Upon emerging from what could’ve easily become their tomb, the nineteen remaining survivors were filled with determination to survive this ordeal and once again began preparing to search for help.
The plan was to allow the expedition group that was selected before the avalanche to get more rations, the best sleeping spots, and excusal from chores to build up their strength. The survivors agreed that the expeditionaries would travel east. Since the mountain peaks were slightly less daunting in this direction, the group hoped that once they got over the mountains they could find a valley that would turn around and bring them into Chile. Antonio “Tintin” Vizintin also joined the expedition, however, Adolfo “Fito” Strauch became afflicted with a severe case of hemorrhoids and needed to stay behind. It was also decided by the expeditionaries that Numa Turcatti would stay behind as well due to an infection in his leg, which, due to his aversion to eating the human flesh that was necessary for their survival, his body was unable to fight off. On the morning of November 17th, the remaining group of three expeditionaries set off away from the crash site. After about an hour and a half of hiking, Roberto Canessa, who was in the front of the group, spotted the tail. In the tail, they found luggage with more clothes, some rum, a box of chocolates, three small meat patties, a moldy sandwich, some cigarettes, a small camera loaded with film, and the batteries needed to power the radio in the fuselage. With no turning point towards the west in sight, the expeditionaries decided it would be best to turn back towards the crash site with the stuff they had found. However, the batteries were too heavy to carry all the way back in the snow, so they left them and decided instead to grab the radio from the Fairchild and bring it to the tail. The group made it back to the crash site on November 21st, and a few days later, they went back to the tail with the radio to try and get it to work. Unfortunately, these efforts were in vain, as the electronic components were too damaged to repair.
The expeditionaries returned to the fuselage, and at this point, the survivors realized their only chance at survival was to head directly west and find help in Chile. During the first week of December, they began to prepare, cutting extra meat and storing it in the snow, as well as sewing a sleeping bag using quilted batts of insulation and a sewing kit taken from the tail. On December 12, Nando Parrado, Roberto Canessa, and Antonio “Tintin” Vizintin left the wreckage of the Fairchild behind and began their trek up the mountain to the west. On the third morning, the expeditionaries reached the peak. Expecting to find the green valleys of Chile just beyond the mountain, they were shocked as they were faced with a seemingly never-ending view of the snowy cordillera. Despite the seemingly impossible circumstances, Canessa and Parrado still believed they could make it to the Chilean countryside, but didn’t have enough food to sustain all three of the expeditionaries for a trek of that caliber. So, it was at this point that the group decided to send Vizintin back to the crash site, while Canessa and Parrado would continue to the west. Three days after Vizintin had turned back and six days after they began the hike, the pair found a river with running water, which they began to follow down the mountain, and the day after they found an empty soup can, a horseshoe, a pile of feces, trees, and they even saw some cows from a distance. On December 20, after setting up camp for the night, Canessa spotted a man on a horse on the opposite side of the river. The man yelled to them but was drowned out by the river, however, they made out one word: “tomorrow”. The next day, the expeditionaries awoke at dawn to find three men around a fire on the other side of the river. Since the roar of the river was so loud, one of the men threw a pencil and paper tied to stones across the river, and Parrado wrote a message. That message read:

“I come from an airplane that crashed in the mountains. I am Uruguayan. We have been walking for 10 days. I have a wounded friend up there. In the plane, there are still 14 injured people. We need to get out of here quickly and we don't know how to. We don't have any food. We are very weak. When are you going to come to get us? Please, we can't even walk. Where are we?”

The men across the river threw the expeditionaries some bread and made motions indicating they understood, and that the duo was to wait. Less than 12 hours later, the men had helped Canessa and Parrado to the huts they used when tending to the flocks in the high pastures, and the pair got to eat real food and sleep in beds. The police showed up the day after that, along with Sergio Catalan, the man they had originally spotted on horseback, who had ridden 10 hours each way to the nearest police outpost to get help. A heavy fog descended on Los Maitenes, the mountainous region of the Chilean province of Colchagua, and so Canessa and Parrado went on horseback down to Puente Negro, they hoped the helicopters would be able to take off for the rescue operation. After the fog had cleared a bit, the helicopter crews, along with Parrado, took off for the crash site. The two helicopters reached the crash site on the afternoon of December 22nd. Because of the steep terrain, the pilots were only permitted to touch down with a single skid, and due to the altitude and weight limits, this first rescue mission was only able to take half of the survivors. Four of the rescuers volunteered to stay behind with the remaining eight survivors for their last night on the mountain, and the second flight of helicopters arrived the following morning at daybreak. The last of the survivors were rescued on December 23, 1972, more than two and a half months after the crash.
Ethically adapting true events for cinematic or literary purposes, especially in cases where lives were lost, raises complex questions about representation, storytelling, and the responsibilities of creators to both the subjects of the events (alive and deceased) and their audience. The TARES test is a framework that media professionals use to help assess ethical communication and influence. TARES is an acronym that stands for Truthful, Authentic, Respectful, Equitable, and Socially Responsible. These five elements represent the ethical communication criteria that are used to evaluate the ethical impact of a message. I will be using the TARES test to analyze the films Alive (1993) and Society of the Snow (2023), both based on the Miracle of the Andes, intending to empirically determine which adaptation is more ethical.
Alive, directed by Frank Marshall (Arachnaphobia) and written by John Patrick Shanley (Moonstruck, Doubt), was released in 1993 by Paramount Pictures. The film features an all-white cast, including stars Ethan Hawke and Josh Hamilton and narrator John Malkovitch. The film is named after and based on the book of the same name by Piers Paul Read, a British novelist, historian, and biographer, which was published in 1974. In the dedication, the survivors write that they “decided this book should be written and the truth known because of the many rumors about what happened in the cordillera”. Grossing slightly less than $37 million domestically, the experience of watching the Hollywood-ified adaptation of Read’s award-winning book is most aptly described by Robert Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times film critic, in 1993. He writes:

“The problem is, no movie can really encompass the sheer enormity of the experience. As subtitles tick off ‘Day 50’ and ‘Day 70,’ the actors in the movie continue to look amazingly healthy (and well-fed). Although some despair, most remain hopeful. But what would it really be like to huddle in a wrecked aircraft for 10 weeks in freezing weather, eating human flesh? I cannot imagine, and frankly, this film doesn't much help me.”

Alive had a budget of $25 million and was shot on a glacier in British Columbia, and the cinematography by Peter James (27 Dresses, Meet the Parents) featuring this landscape is arguably the best part of the entire movie. With its poorly written dialogue and questionable acting choices, this film not only struggles to keep the viewer’s attention, but additionally doesn’t do much in the sense of helping the viewer understand what the passengers of Flight 571 went through.
Society of the Snow was directed by J. A. Bayona (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, The Impossible) and released in 2023 by Netflix. It features 40 actors of Argentine and Uruguayan nationality, many of whom made their debut in this movie, and had an estimated budget of $65 million. The film is named after and based on the book of the same name by Pablo Vierci, a Uruguayan journalist who grew up with many of the people who were on Flight 571 and is credited as one of the associate producers of the film. The book also includes reflections written by some of the survivors. In a 2023 interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Director J. A. Bayona said that “at the heart of the book, there is this message that says that when everything has been taken from someone, you still have a chance of deciding what to do — why do you want to live? For whom do you want to die for?”. Bayonoa described the shoot as an exploration looking to answer these big questions, and it was with these questions in mind that they began doing interviews with all sixteen of the survivors, collecting over one hundred hours of recordings. Throughout the process of making the film, all the actors were in contact with not only the survivors, but also the families of the deceased, and the development and release of this film marks the first time all the survivors and families of the deceased have allowed their real names to be used. In an IndieWire exclusive, survivors Roberto Canessa and Gustavo Zerbino write of the film:

“We and others have been telling our story for half a century, but the filmmaker J.A. Bayona has captured it in ways that we find inspiring and fresh all over again…But more importantly, he has captured the spirit of what got us off of that mountain. Society of the Snow reflects our experience in how we refused to give in to the bleak nature of our plight.”

Society was shot mostly in Sierra Nevada, Spain, but additional scenes were filmed in Montevideo, Uruguay, and in different locations in the Andes, both in Chile and Argentina, including The Glacier of Tears. With breathtaking cinematography by Pedro Luque (Don’t Breathe, Antebellum), and a chilling score by Michael Giacchino (The Batman, Star Wars: Rogue One), J. A. Bayona’s Spanish-language disaster film should be known going forward as the principal film about the Miracle of the Andes.
The first element of the TARES test that will be assessed is Truthful. This element questions whether the claims, both verbal and visual, are truthful, and, if the film communicates only part of the truth, if any omissions are deceptive. However, even if some facts are omitted, a film would pass the test if it meets a genuine human need to provide truthful information. Additionally, filmmakers should be able to verify with viewers the truthfulness of claims, and they should provide information to their audiences that will allow them to verify the truthfulness of claims in messages aimed at the public. "Unlike Alive, which is based solely on the facts of the story, Society of the Snow offers a much more philosophical take on what happened…It's not just about reiterating the facts. It's about engaging philosophically and spiritually on a deeper level with the story and exploring the true meaning of what happened in those mountains", Society of the Snow director J. A. Bayona says of the books that inspired the films. Despite this, after reading not only the books each movie is based on but additionally books written by survivors, Society is overall a more accurate depiction of the ordeal that the survivors went through in the Andes. There are always going to be differences when a book gets adapted for film, however, the differences between Paul Piers Read’s “classic” work of survival literature and the lukewarmly received 1993 adaptation are astounding. David Ansen summarizes it perfectly in an article for Newsweek, where he writes:

“Piers Paul Read's acclaimed 1974 book… paid special attention to the social structure that evolved among the group: the emergence of a warrior class and the counterbalance of a civilian government that looked out for the welfare of the weak and wounded. Marshall downplays the fascinating sociological details-and the ambiguities of character-in favor of action, heroism and a vague religiosity that's sprinkled over the story like powdered sugar.”

Meanwhile, Society is remarkably reflective of the experiences Pablo Vierci captured in the pages of his 2009 book. Whereas its predecessor Alive is known for being commercialized, religious, and at times shockingly lighthearted, Society of the Snow is a brutal, dark, horrifying, and immersive viewing experience, which more accurately reflects the nightmare that the passengers of Flight 571 went through.
The second component of the TARES test, Authentic, suggests it's important not only to do the right thing, but also “to do it with the right attitude”, and is closely linked to the concepts of sincerity and disclosure. In a 2023 interview with The Hollywood Reporter, when asked about how he convinced the survivors and their families that he was going to handle everything sensitively and not in an exploitative way, Society of the Snow director J. A. Bayona responded that “[he] was worried…but the fact that [he] was putting the point of view from the other side made them very interested…somehow it’s the first time [they’re] telling the story of the whole society and that was very important, not only for the survivors but their families.” In the same interview, it gets brought up that the story of this disaster had been told before, so was it that he felt it needed to be told from a different perspective? He responds:

“I had the impression when I finished Pablo’s book that what was in that novel was something I hadn’t seen in a film. [Pablo] was great at getting into the minds of the characters and explaining not only the facts but what happened to them on the inside. And then we found a perspective that gave me the key to tell the story in a way that I hadn’t seen before.”

On the other hand, according to an article from The Baltimore Sun, Frank Marshall chose to direct Alive for different reasons. In 1991, Disney offered Marshall, longtime producer for Stephen Speilberg, several projects, including Alive. The passage describing Marshall’s rationale reads:

“Mr. Marshall chose Alive for a number of reasons: the challenge of shooting 10,000 feet up in the Canadian Rockies; the opportunity to film one of the most dramatic — and prolonged — plane-crash sequences in movie history; the story of “ordinary people in extraordinary, impossible situations”; and the fact that just as Mr. Marshall was on the car phone with Disney’s Jeffrey Katzenberg, a pickup cut in front of him with a bumper sticker that read: ‘Rugby Players Eat Their Dead.’”

Moreover, in the acknowledgments for Alive: The Story of the Andes Survivors, Piers Paul Read reveals that when he showed the manuscript of the book to the survivors, “some of them were disappointed by [his] presentation of their story”. Alive is a film made by a director who seemingly chose the project on a whim, based on a book that, according to the survivors, doesn’t convey “the faith and friendship which inspired them in the cordillera”. It is evident, not just through interviews, but through the film itself, that J. A. Bayona not only made Society of the Snow with “the right attitude”, but is able to justify making yet another feature film about the passengers of Flight 571.
The next component of the TARES test deals with respect. When adapting true events, especially tragedies such as this, it's important to show respect to the people involved, both living and dead. This aspect has the creator consider if they are willing to take full, open, and personal responsibility for the content of the film. Frank Marshall’s Alive was aptly described in a review by Janet Maslin of the New York Times upon its release in 1993, which reads: “Alive, an account of plane-crash survivors who had to resort to cannibalism to last out their ordeal in the Andes, is a study in madness, not on the parts of the Uruguayan rugby players who are the film's principals but on those of the Hollywood filmmakers who felt this story had the makings of upbeat, big-budget entertainment”. Indeed, even Marshall himself insists “it’s one of those great Hollywood stories”. In his book, survivor Carlitos Páez writes that in Alive, “the magnitude of the avalanche was not portrayed in full force[, and] when he mentioned this to director Frank Marshall…he answered [that] he needed light to shoot and besides, it wasn’t his fault what [they] went through”. Society of the Snow seems to laugh in the face of this, depicting the avalanche in a horrifying and believable fashion. Additionally, as previously stated, director J. A. Bayona based much of his film on testimony from survivors, both from Society of the Snow and footage that they compiled during pre-production, as well as maintaining lines of contact between the actors portraying the people and either the people themselves or their families, if deceased. Through J. A. Bayona’s meticulous attention to detail, a general sense of empathy toward the passengers of Flight 571 from the entire cast and crew, and a thorough commitment to honoring the experiences of the victims and survivors, Society stands as a poignant example of how to show respect to the people involved in the real-life tragedies that are being adapted for the silver screen.
Equitable generally means dealing fairly and equally with all concerned, but in relation to the TARES test, it refers to whether the viewer is on the same level playing field as the film’s creator, or, in order to correctly interpret the film, must the viewer be abnormally well informed, unusually bright or quick-witted, and completely without prejudice. When comparing two films based on equitability in the context of ethical adaptation, the film that allows a wider range of viewers to engage with its themes and moral complexities without requiring exceptional cognitive abilities or specialized knowledge would be deemed more ethical. In this case, the films are evaluated based on how well they convey the survivors' experiences, challenges, and moral dilemmas without requiring viewers to have extensive knowledge of survival techniques or deep insights into the human psyche. One of the main differences between the two films is that Frank Marshall’s Alive has two distinct main characters - Nando Parrado and Roberto Canessa, the two survivors who would eventually trek 38 miles to find help, portrayed by Ethan Hawke and Josh Hamilton, respectively, whereas J. A. Bayona’s Society of the Snow focuses instead on the group as a whole, with the only possible main character being the film’s narrator, Enzo Vogrincic Roldán’s Numa Turcatti, the last passenger to die on the mountain. Although some criticize Society for this decision, citing that it is harder to connect with each of the individual characters, this is the story about the survival of a group of people, not just two. Although Canessa and Parrado’s efforts to get the survivors off the mountain were invaluable, it cannot be understated the importance that each person in the society had, a sentiment the viewer comes to understand by the end of Society. Viewers may not emerge from Society knowing everyone's names, but they will have a significantly better understanding of what the passengers endured and what it took, mentally and physically, to get off the mountain than if they watched Alive.
The final component of the TARES test is Socially Responsible. This element questions whether if everyone who was able to view this film did, if society as a whole would be improved, keeping in mind that recreation and self-improvement are worthy social goals. Additionally, it asks if the film increases or decreases the trust the average person has for persuasive messages, and if this film takes the notion of corporate responsibility, both to make money and to improve human life and welfare, seriously and truthfully. It emphasizes the significance of considering not just the content of persuasive messages, but additionally their broader impact on societal values, trust, and ethical considerations, highlighting the importance of responsible storytelling in the media landscape. A major distinction between the two films is the way in which they each handle religion. As Richard Lawson says in his review of Society of the Snow for Vanity Fair, “maybe the 50-year span has given [Pablo] Vierci’s recounting a crucial perspective that Alive often lacks. [John Patrick] Shanley’s adaptation swaps in grand platitudes about God where specific human dimensions are better suited.” It is true that a majority of the passengers on the Fairchild were religious and relied heavily on prayer, and it is an important part of both films, however the degree to which religion is emphasized in Alive is laughable. It would be easy to convince a first-time viewer with zero knowledge of the production of the film that it was created by some sort of church organization. In the same article, Lawson also states that “Marshall’s film is demure, casual in comparison [to Society]. Alive is more concerned with human spirit than human suffering; it’s lit and warmed by Tinseltown glow.” It is clear that Frank Marshall’s 1993 adaptation lacks the essence of what draws people to this story in the first place, instead creating a white-washed religion commercial that reeks of early 90s Hollywood and big corporations. Society, on the other hand, handles religion delicately and efficiently, not spending a second longer on it than necessary while still emphasizing the passengers’ faith. As survivors Roberto Canessa and Gustavo Zerbino write, “[i]t is not a film that aims to make the audience suffer. It is a film that aims to rouse the viewer’s faith in the person sitting next to them.” If everyone with access to Netflix watched Society of the Snow, society as a whole would be improved, not only for recreational reasons, but additionally because Society is a film that promotes empathy, resilience, and the strength of human spirit in the face of adversity.
The story of the ethical dilemmas, survival, and resilience of the passengers of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 has been the subject of many media adaptations, such as the films Alive (1993) and Society of the Snow (2023).Through the lens of the TARES test, which evaluates the truthfulness, authenticity, respect, equitability, and social responsibility of communication, it becomes clear that Society of the Snow emerges as a more ethical and responsible adaptation. The truthfulness of Society of the Snow lies in its deep exploration of the survivors' experiences, not just in terms of facts but also in understanding the emotional and psychological impact of the ordeal. Society director J. A. Bayona's approach in creating his Spanish-language disaster film, which was based on extensive research, interviews with survivors, and sensitivity to their perspectives, creates a more accurate and meaningful portrayal of the events than in Frank Marshall’s award-losing survival drama. In terms of authenticity, Society stands out for its genuine commitment to representing the survivors' story with respect and empathy. The filmmakers' engagement with survivors and their families, as well as their dedication to portraying the internal struggles and moral complexities faced by the passengers, reflects a sincere effort to do justice to the real-life experiences. Respect is a key aspect of ethical adaptation, and here again, Society excels. The film treats the subject matter with dignity, avoiding sensationalism or exploitation. By focusing on the collective experience of the survivors and honoring their journey, the film earns the respect of both the audience and the survivors themselves. Equitability in storytelling refers to the accessibility and relatability of the narrative to a wide audience. While Alive may have focused more narrowly on specific characters, allowing the audience to have individual characters to connect with, Society takes a broader approach that allows viewers to connect with the overall themes of survival, camaraderie, and resilience without requiring specialized knowledge or biases. By emphasizing themes such as empathy and the strength of the human spirit and promoting a deeper understanding of the survivors' experiences, Society of the Snow contributes positively to societal values and encourages empathy and compassion. Society is not only well-written, well-acted, and well-shot, but also sets a high standard for ethical adaptation through its thoughtful and sensitive portrayal of a harrowing ordeal and how it fictionalized the survivors' very real experiences respectfully and accurately. The film leaves a lasting impact on its audience, fostering empathy, resilience, and a deeper appreciation for the human capacity to overcome adversity.
sources: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1G-B8BPNSLy1RC9y5M4pPddZAiKuOsRaxnL65Z5rRnOk/edit

Hello
I am struggling to find a solution to a very specific problem, I'm playing on a small little server with a friend with a modpack I made with create, Farmer's Delight and some addons of both.
The mod I'm having issues with is Spice of Life: Carrot Edition, there is 301 foods in the pack and I noticed the last obtainable milestone is only 25 so i tried changing the Server configs adding more milestones but it keeps resetting to the default milestones after server restart, I've also tried putting a modified config file in the servers "defaultconfigs" folder as I've read it should work but to no avail .. any idea how to apply this to the server without having to restart the save :\
thanks either way
This is the config file I'm trying to change once Edited:
​
[milestones]

\#Number of hearts you start out with. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 baseHearts = 10 \#Number of hearts you gain for reaching a new milestone. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 heartsPerMilestone = 2 \#A list of numbers of unique foods you need to eat to unlock each milestone, in ascending order. Naturally, adding more milestones lets you earn more hearts. milestones = \[5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 75, 80, 85, 90, 95, 100, 110, 120, 130, 140, 150, 160, 170, 180, 190, 200, 210, 220, 230, 240, 250, 260, 270, 280, 290, 300\] 

​
[filtering]

\#Foods in this list won't affect the player's health nor show up in the food book. blacklist = \[\] \#When this list contains anything, the blacklist is ignored and instead only foods from here count. whitelist = \[\] \#The minimum hunger value foods need to provide in order to count for milestones, in half drumsticks. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 minimumFoodValue = 1 

​
[miscellaneous]

\#Whether or not to reset the food list on death, effectively losing all bonus hearts. resetOnDeath = false \#If true, eating foods outside of survival mode (e.g. creative/adventure) is not tracked and thus does not contribute towards progression. limitProgressionToSurvival = false 

​
​
And This is what it returs to after restart:
[milestones]

\#Number of hearts you start out with. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 baseHearts = 10 \#Number of hearts you gain for reaching a new milestone. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 heartsPerMilestone = 2 \#A list of numbers of unique foods you need to eat to unlock each milestone, in ascending order. Naturally, adding more milestones lets you earn more hearts. milestones = \[5, 10, 15, 20, 25\] 

​
[filtering]

\#Foods in this list won't affect the player's health nor show up in the food book. blacklist = \[\] \#When this list contains anything, the blacklist is ignored and instead only foods from here count. whitelist = \[\] \#The minimum hunger value foods need to provide in order to count for milestones, in half drumsticks. \#Range: 0 \~ 1000 minimumFoodValue = 1 

​
[miscellaneous]

\#Whether or not to reset the food list on death, effectively losing all bonus hearts. resetOnDeath = false \#If true, eating foods outside of survival mode (e.g. creative/adventure) is not tracked and thus does not contribute towards progression. limitProgressionToSurvival = false 

​
Also this is my modlist if it can be helpful in any way:
Minecraft Version 1.20.1 Forge Version: 47.2.30

• Placebo (by Shadows_of_Fire)
• Create Enchantment Industry (by DragonsPlus)
• YUNG's Better Witch Huts (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG)
• Create: Dreams & Desires (by Luna)
• Guard Villagers (by almightytallestred)
• Searchables (by Jaredlll08)
• Alex's Delight (by NCP_Bails)
• Nether's Delight (by lumpazl)
• Just Enough Resources (JER) (by way2muchnoise)
• Create Central Kitchen (by DragonsPlus)
• AppleSkin (by squeek502)
• GraveStone Mod (by henkelmax)
• Create: Interiors (by sudolev)
• Colorful Hearts (by Terrails)
• FastFurnace (by Shadows_of_Fire)
• Storage Drawers (by Texelsaur)
• Create Deco (by talrey)
• Bookshelf (by DarkhaxDev)
• Alex's Mobs (by sbom_xela)
• Handcrafted (by terrariumearth)
• Mouse Tweaks (by YaLTeR)
• Sophisticated Core (by P3pp3rF1y)
• Collective (by Serilum)
• Resourceful Lib (by ThatGravyBoat)
• YUNG's Better Strongholds (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG)
• Goblin Traders (by MrCrayfish)
• Sophisticated Backpacks (by P3pp3rF1y)
• Polymorph (Fabric/Forge/Quilt) (by TheIllusiveC4)
• Create: Bells & Whistles (by sudolev)
• Terralith (by Starmute)
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• Xaero's Minimap (by xaero96)
• Create Slice & Dice (by possible_triangle)
• Create (by simibubi)
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• Moonlight Lib (by MehVahdJukaar)
• Embeddium (Rubidium) Extra (by dimadencep)
• Controlling (by Jaredlll08)
• Smarter Farmers (farmers replant) (by MehVahdJukaar)
• Create: Design n' Decor (by MilkyFur)
• YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG)
• Citadel (by sbom_xela)
• TexTrue's Embeddium Options (by TexTrue)
• Nature's Compass (by Chaosyr)
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• Complementary Shaders - Unbound (by EminGT)
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• Villager Names (by Serilum)
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• Curios API (Forge/NeoForge) (by TheIllusiveC4)
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• Miner's Delight + (by soytutta)
• YUNG's Better Dungeons (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG)
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• YUNG's Better Desert Temples (Forge) (by YUNGNICKYOUNG)
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• Better Advancements (by way2muchnoise)
• Create: Connected (by Lysine)
• Configured (by MrCrayfish)

​

Looking to complete my set up and really trying not to overspend on gear I may not necessarily need. Always been a fan of Decathlon stuff, but I don't live near one to go and try anything out.
Looking potentially at the following Forclaz stuff over my dream choice of gear (they all seem to have the code MT500).
Backpack - 60+10 L - MT500 AIR £109.99 (vs Osprey Exos 55 Pro £216 on Trekkit)
Sleeping pad - MT500 Air £64.99 (Vs Big Agnes Rapide SL £126 on Valley & Peak)
Sleeping Bag - MT500 -5 Synthetic ££89.99 (was thinking a quilt like the Big Agnes Canyon £152.49 Valley & Peak)
The Forclaz gear would be a saving of about £230 over the higher priced gear I'd be looking at. As a 3 season camper on mainly Dartmoor, not looking to battle the elements but happy with a bit of cold, would the Forclaz gear suffice, or am I missing something?
There's also OEX stuff in Go Outdoors I looked at the other day that would represent more of a saving too. Would just enable me to get the extra stuff like pillows, carabiners, compasses etc that mount up without spending extra money.

As you face the heavy cloak of grief, the world may seem darker, the air a bit heavier. But even amid sorrow, there are ways to find glimmers of hope and maintain your mental health. This article is your gentle guide to balancing the realities of grief with the necessity of hope.
You're not alone on this journey. By exploring this guide, you'll gain understanding and practical strategies to help you cope with loss while fostering resilience. You stand to gain newfound coping mechanisms, community support strategies, and personal growth insights that can light your path during the most challenging times.
Below is a list of some of the most compelling and common questions people ask about grief. I hope that some of the answers will speak to your heart.
How can you move forward when your world has turned upside down?
Imagine sitting by a gently flickering fireplace, the warmth of the flames casting a soft glow on the surroundings—a safe space to ponder the heart's heaviest questions. You ask, "How can it move forward when your world has turned upside down?" Like the dance of the fire's flames, the answer is simple and complex: a series of movements, a progression of steps and pauses.
Acknowledging the Upheaval:
Begin by allowing yourself to acknowledge the turmoil. Just as a house tossed by a storm is not expected to be unscathed, neither are you expected to emerge from life's tempests without a mark. Recognize the upheaval, name the debris, and understand that your feelings of disorientation are not just expected; they are the rightful response of a heart that has loved and lost.
Settle into a cozy nook, perhaps with a steaming cup of tea cradled between your hands, and let's walk through this together, step by tender step.
Understanding the Storm:
Amid the storm—when the winds howl, and your heart feels as though relentless gales are battering it—it's important to remember that you are not defined by the presence of turmoil but by the courage with which you face it. Your feelings, raw and swirling like the tempest, are messengers—honor them, listen to them. They speak of your capacity to love deeply, and healing begins in this deep love.
Sorting Through the Debris:
The landscape is littered with debris after a storm, reflecting the inner chaos that grief often brings. It may feel daunting, but take a moment to sort through these pieces. What can you learn from them? Which can be cherished as remnants of happy memories, and which are lessons that, once learned, you can let go?
Finding Your Footing:
Once you've acknowledged the upheaval, it's time to regain footing. Imagine yourself as a tree—your roots may be shaken, but they hold you firm. Reach down and feel them grounding you, connecting you to the earth, reality, and the continuation of life. With each step you take, no matter how small, you reaffirm your roots and strengthen your stance against the winds of change.
Reclaiming Your Space:
As you stand amid the aftermath, remember that you can rebuild. Begin by reclaiming your space. Create an area of refuge, whether it's a corner of a room with comforting items or a special place outdoors where you can feel the solidity beneath you and the vastness above. Let this space be your sanctuary, where you can breathe, reflect, and slowly piece together the mosaic of your new reality.
Allowing for Reconstruction:
There is no rush in reconstruction. Each brick laid is a step toward the future—a future that honors the past but is not confined by it. Maybe today, you find a new hobby that brings you joy or rearrange a room to reflect who you are becoming. Each action, each choice, is part of the rebuilding process, and with each day, you are creating a resilient and full-of-possibility life.
Remember, as you navigate this journey, it's not just about moving on but moving forward with the love and memories that have shaped you. This isn't a path you walk alone; others are here to walk it with you, listen, share, and hold your hand when it gets tricky. And in those moments when you might stumble, trust that you have the strength to rise again, to face the winds, and to find peace in the knowledge that the storm has not diminished you—it has forged you into someone stronger, someone capable of weathering the tempests and still standing tall.
Finding Your Bearings:
In a world turned upside down, gravity seems absent, and directions seem meaningless. Yet, amid this, there is a center—your breath. Focus on it. Let it become the compass that slowly steadies you. Breathing in, you gather strength; breathing out, you release what you cannot control. Through this, find your bearings, one breath at a time.
Identifying the Unchanged:
Amidst the change, search for the constants. Perhaps the morning sun reliably greets you or the steadfast support of an old friend. Cling to these anchors, however small they may seem. They are the fixed points in your spinning world, the familiar melodies that can guide you back to a sense of normalcy.
Setting Small, Achievable Goals:
When moving forward seems insurmountable, remember that even the longest journeys comprise individual steps. Set small, achievable goals for yourself. Today, you may get out of bed. Tomorrow, you might call a friend. Each small victory is a step on the path forward.
Embracing the New Normal:
The term 'new normal' can seem hollow at first—it's the place no one wants to arrive because it means accepting that something has irrevocably changed. Yet, this new normal is also a place of growth, resilience, and new beginnings. Allow yourself to redefine normal on your terms, in your time.
Leaning on Others:
It's okay to lean on others; there is strength in vulnerability. Seek the shoulders of friends, the ears of family, or the help of professionals. The way forward is sometimes found in the insights and care of those who walk alongside us.
Crafting a Tapestry of Memories:
Every memory is a thread in the tapestry of your life. Cherish them, weave them into your days. Let them be a colorful backdrop to new experiences rather than chains that hold you back. Memories can be a source of comfort and a reminder of the love that endures beyond loss.
As the fire dwindles to embers and the warmth lingers, know that moving forward is not a betrayal of what was; it is an homage to it. It is the courageous act of carrying forward a legacy of love, the defiant assertion that though your world has turned upside down, you are still here, breathing and stepping into each new day with resolve. This is the essence of moving forward—living, honoring, and healing.
What does self-care look like to you in times of emotional turmoil?
In the quiet of the evening, with the world hushed and the soft light of the moon streaming through the window, imagine we're sitting together, talking heart-to-heart about self-care during emotional turmoil. This concept often gets tucked away, forgotten in the rush of life, but in these tender moments, it's perhaps the most vital topic we could explore.
Self-Care as a Sanctuary:
Self-care, dear friend, is your sanctuary. It's the gentle art of turning inward, of tending to your soul's garden with the same dedication as you would a cherished plant. It's recognizing that even amidst the chaos, a place of stillness within you needs attention and nurturing.
Comprehensive Strategies for Nurturing the Self:
Physical Nourishment: Begin with the basics—the body. When emotions run high, the body often bears the burden. Attend to it by eating nourishing foods, hydrating with clear freshwater, and resting. Sleep is not just a respite but a healer; it knits together the frayed edges of our emotions and thoughts.
Movement as Medicine: Movement has a language, expressing what words cannot. Whether you take a gentle walk, do a series of stretches, or dance freely to your favorite song, allow your body to move through your emotions, releasing them with every step and sway.
Mindful Breathing: Now, let's focus on the breath. Please close your eyes and take a deep breath, hold it for a moment, and then release it slowly. Repeating this simple act becomes a living RX. It reminds you that you are alive and that peace is possible with each breath.
Creating Rituals: Rituals create islands of predictability in the unpredictable seas of turmoil. It could be as simple as lighting a candle each night before bed or writing three things you're grateful for every morning. These acts become pillars of light in the fog of emotional distress.
Emotional Expression: Permit yourself to express your emotions. Scribble in a journal, paint with bold strokes of color or cry when the tears come. Emotions are like water; they need to flow, and in their flow, they cleanse.
Spiritual Connection: Connect with something greater than yourself. It could be nature, a higher power, or the universe. Find solace in the understanding that there's a grand design, and you're a part of it. In the vastness of that thought, find comfort.
Social Support: Reach out to loved ones. Sometimes, a conversation with a friend or even a heartfelt letter can be the thread that pulls you back from the edge of loneliness. And remember, it's okay to seek professional help—therapists and counselors are the lighthouses when the fog of grief becomes too thick.
Embracing Compassion for Yourself:
Be kind to yourself, as you would be to a dear friend in distress. Self-compassion is the quiet understanding that it's okay to be imperfect, it's okay to hurt, and it's okay to take the time you need to heal.
As the night deepens and our conversation draws to a close, I leave you with this thought: self-care in times of emotional turmoil is not just about surviving; it's about finding a way to thrive amidst the challenges. It's the daily decision to attend to your well-being with the same love and kindness you freely give others. So tonight, as you rest, remember that caring for yourself is the most profound act of love, and it is from this love that you will find your strength and serenity.
How can sharing your story be a part of your healing process?
Gather around as if seated in a circle of trust, a quilt of diverse souls stitched together by a shared humanity. Let's discuss the power of your story and how sharing it can become a vital part of your healing process.
The Healing Power of Storytelling:
Imagine your story as a tapestry woven from threads of experiences, emotions, triumphs, and trials. Within this tapestry lies the intricate beauty of your journey. When you share your story, you lay this tapestry out in front of others, validating your experiences, both the painful and the triumphant.
In-depth Suggestions for Sharing Your Story:
Finding a Safe Space: The first step in sharing is to find a safe space. This could be a support group, a trusted friend, a family member, or a therapist. It's essential that this space feels secure, non-judgmental, and accepting.
Starting Small: If sharing feels overwhelming, start small. You might share a brief moment from your story, a snapshot, before unfolding the entire narrative. This can be a stepping stone towards deeper sharing.
Expressive Writing: Sometimes, speaking aloud is too much, too soon. In this case, expressive writing can be a gentle alternative. Write your story as if you're telling it to an old friend, pouring your heart onto the page without concern for grammar or form.
Artistic Expression: There are stories that words can't quite capture, feelings that are beyond language. Art, music, dance—these are languages of the soul, and through them, you can tell your story in a way that transcends words.
Digital Storytelling: Digital platforms can be powerful tools in our connected world. If you feel ready for that breadth of sharing, you can share your journey with a broader audience through blogging, social media, or even creating videos.
Sharing with Intent: Be mindful of why you're sharing your story. Is it to educate, to heal, to connect, to advocate? Understanding your intent can guide how and with whom you share.
Honoring Your Pace: Respect your own pace in sharing. Just as a flower doesn't bloom on command, your story unfolds in its own time. It's okay to take breaks, to step back, and to share only what feels comfortable at the moment.
The Reciprocity of Sharing:
As you share, you give a gift to your listeners. Your story can become a mirror, a lighthouse, or a bridge. But in return, you receive as well. With every telling, there may be a release, an insight, a connection. You may find that pieces of your narrative that once held pain start to hold power instead.
The Comfort in Communion:
Sharing stories is a communion, a shared meal of human experience. As you tell your tale, you might find echoes of your emotions in the faces around you. In this shared space, understanding grows, and isolation recedes.
In the narrative of your life, every chapter, including those filled with pain, contributes to the person you are becoming. By sharing your story, you are not just recounting past events but actively engaging in your healing process. You're taking the pen in hand and continuing to write, heal, and grow.
So, as our circle closes for now, and you step back into the ebb and flow of your daily life, remember that your story, with all its intricacies, is a profound testament to your resilience. Sharing it isn't just an act of bravery; it's an act of healing—for you and, perhaps, someone else who hears it and sees a reflection of their tapestry within yours.
Is it normal to feel like I'm not grieving 'correctly' because my experience doesn't match what others describe?
Let's imagine we're sitting together on a soft, well-worn sofa that feels like an embrace. You've just asked a question that weighs on many hearts: "Is it normal to feel like I'm not grieving 'correctly'?" I nod, understanding the weight of that worry, and offer you a gentle smile—a silent reassurance that you're not alone in this thought.
"Grieving," I begin, "is as personal as the pattern of a snowflake or the rhythm of a heartbeat. It's as unique to your relationship with the one you've lost. There are no templates, no checklists, no timelines."
You sigh, a release mingled with tension, and I continue, "You might hear stories or read articles about the stages of grief, denial and anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But these aren't steps to be checked off—they're more like a dance, sometimes fluid, sometimes stumbling. You might skip a stage or revisit one, or perhaps you won't experience some at all."
Taking a moment, I encourage you to reflect on the beauty of the bond that has caused such profound grief. "The depth of your sorrow is a testament to the depth of your bond. And your way of grieving? It reflects that love, a love that doesn't fit neatly into categories or stages."
I suggest, "Find comfort in the things that bring you even a moment of peace. Whether looking through old photos, writing letters they'll never read, or sitting silently, find solace in action. Plant a garden of remembrance or volunteer for a cause they cared about. Or allow yourself to sit with the memories, even if they come with tears."
As we talk, I see the flicker of recognition in your eyes, the dawning understanding that what you're experiencing is not incorrect or abnormal. It's simply your path through a deeply personal journey.
"And remember," I add, "you don't have to walk this path in isolation. Sharing your feelings with someone who listens without judgment can be cathartic. It doesn't have to be someone who knew your loved one—it just has to be someone who knows how to listen."
As our conversation winds down, I leave you with this thought: "In the tapestry of life, grief is one of the darkest threads, but it's entwined with the brighter colors of love, joy, and connection. Your tapestry is not meant to look like anyone else's; it's a work of art that you—and only you—are creating."
So, as you rise from our conversation and step back into your world, I hope you understand that your grief, in all its uniqueness, is as natural as the changing of seasons. Just as each winter gives way to spring, your grief will evolve, in its own time, into a shape that you can carry with comfort.
How do I maintain a connection with a loved one after their passing without it hindering my healing process?
We sit across from each other in a serene room, where the light filters through the curtains in a gentle cascade. You've asked a heartfelt question, one that echoes in the quiet spaces of many hearts: "How do I maintain a connection with a loved one after their passing without it hindering my healing process?"
I offer you a warm, empathetic gaze before speaking. "Honoring a loved one's memory and keeping their spirit alive doesn't have to pause your journey to healing. In fact, it can be a part of that very path."
Creating a Living Tribute:
"Consider planting a tree or a flower garden," I suggest softly. "As the plants grow, they embody your loved one's ongoing presence. They remind you of life and death's natural cycles, growth, and change. Each blossom and leaf can symbolize a cherished memory, allowing you to reflect and remember in a living, breathing space."
Curating Memories:
"Maybe set aside a time each week to engage with your memories," I continue, noticing your thoughtful nod. "Look through photo albums, listen to songs you both loved, or watch their favorite movie. It's like having a standing appointment with them, one you can look forward to without overwhelming your daily life."
Celebrating Milestones:
"And what about milestones?" I ponder aloud. "Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be challenging, but they also present an opportunity to celebrate their life. You could share stories with friends and family, cook their favorite meal, or do something they enjoyed, like hiking their favorite trail or visiting their favorite museum."
Acts of Kindness:
"You could also carry their legacy forward through acts of kindness." A smile touches my lips as I consider this. "Perform a charitable act in their memory that aligns with their values. It's a way to extend the love you shared with them into the world."
Continuing Bonds:
"The theory of 'continuing bonds' might resonate with you," I say, leaning in slightly. "It suggests that healing doesn't mean letting go completely but finding an ongoing connection that feels meaningful and comforting. This can be as simple as talking to them in moments of solitude, writing them letters, or carrying a keepsake that holds their memory."
A Comforting Ritual:
"Consider creating a ritual that feels healing," I add. "Light a candle for them, say a prayer, or simply sit in silence with your thoughts of them. This can be especially comforting when grief waves come unexpectedly."
As our conversation draws to a close, I offer a concluding thought. "Maintaining a connection to a loved one who has passed is a deeply personal journey—one that ebbs and flows with time. This connection doesn't hinder your healing; it's woven through it. The love you carry for them becomes a part of your story, a guiding star in the narrative of your life."
When you leave the room, you feel that your bond with your loved one is dynamic and living, not confined by their physical absence. This bond can continue to comfort you, shape your identity, and gently guide you on the path of healing.
Even in the pain of grief, you can find the presence of your loved one.
Prayer Let us bow our heads and open our hearts in prayer.
Heavenly Father, Creator of all that was, is, and will be, we come before You today carrying the weight of grief—a burden known to Your loving heart. You, O Lord, are acquainted with sorrow, and You weep with us, just as Jesus wept for Lazarus.
Lord Jesus, in the quiet moments of despair, when our hearts are heavy and our eyes blur with tears, we ask You to draw near. As You showed compassion in Bethany, outside the tomb of Your friend, show us the same tender care. Let Your presence be felt among those mourning, among the silent echoes of loss that linger in our souls.
We humbly call upon the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, to descend upon us when grief wraps around our hearts. Holy Spirit, breathe into us the peace that surpasses understanding. For those wrestling with the deep ache of loss, for those caught in the grip of emotional pain and spiritual depression, be their solace, their rock, their refuge.
May Your love envelop us like a warm blanket on a cold night. May it lift us from the depths of our sorrow and place our feet on the healing path. In Your compassion, remind us of the joy we have known, the love we have shared, and the precious memories that no shadow of grief can diminish.
Grant us the grace, dear Lord, to face each day with courage, knowing that You are with us, that You are for us, and that through the pain, Your love remains steadfast. We pray for the strength to navigate our grief, not as a journey to leave behind but as a testament to love that endures, even beyond death.
Illuminate the steps of those who feel they are walking through the valley of the shadow. May they feel Your presence walking beside them, guiding them gently through each day. In moments of weakness, be their strength; in times of loneliness, be their friend.
Father, as we hold onto hope, help us also to help one another, to be Jesus' hands and feet in a world that needs Your love. May we reach out to comfort those who mourn, share the burden of their grief, and reflect Your light in the darkest times.
In the loving and powerful name of Jesus, we pray, Amen.

I am a Buddhist practitioner from Singapore, now living in Melbourne, Australia. Although I have only been practicing Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door for slightly >1 year, I can't help but share with you my experience of studying Buddhism with great joy in my heart.
There is a Waterloo Street in Singapore. Kwan Im Thong Hood Cho Temple on Waterloo Street is very famous. Everyone who believes in Buddhism knows about it. I often went to the temple to worship the Bodhisattva. At that time, I thought that believing in Buddhism is all about kowtowing and drawing divination sticks. Until one day, I saw people offering Buddhist books for free. Curious, I walked up and took one. During the conversation, I heard that they often came here to hand out books. Strangely enough, this was the first time I had met them, even though I came to Waterloo Street every week and frequently burned incense at the temple. Predetermined affinity is so marvelous that when it is immature, you can't even see it when it passes by; once it is mature, nothing can stop it.
The book is superb. However, I couldn't help but cringe at the sight of the Great Compassion Mantra. Hence, I languished for some time. It was my desire for a faith that finally led me to recite Buddhist scriptures. Being >50 years old, although I often burn incense, Buddhism is still far from being a faith for me. However, one should have faith. This thought became stronger and stronger as I became older. Eventually, I decided to really get into Buddhism and start reciting Buddhist scriptures.
At that time I suffered from insomnia and asthma for many years. Even though I started reciting Buddhist scriptures I never thought it would improve my health. If so, it simply turned my professional thinking as a medical practitioner upside down.
I have had insomnia for many years. At the earliest, I had to work night shifts because of my profession, and I had occasional insomnia. As time passed, insomnia slowly became the norm. After I turned 50, my insomnia got worse and worse, to the extent that I couldn't sleep the whole night. I could count up to 2,000 sheep and still not sleep. By morning I was exhausted and in a trance. I didn't take it seriously when I first experienced insomnia. It was only when it developed into all-night insomnia that I tried all sorts of things but could never solve it. The Bodhisattva really favored me. I didn't even know that reciting Buddhist scriptures could improve sleep quality, so I didn't pray for it. I didn't expect that after only a week of reciting Buddhist scriptures, I could actually fall asleep. By now, sleep quality is so much better!
Let me talk about my asthma. I have had asthma since 2 years old. My mom, who is a pharmacist, filled my prescriptions, took me to the doctor, and did various treatments for my asthma. These measures only provided temporary relief and lengthened the interval between attacks. My mom said my asthma was a sequela of measles, lifelong and impossible to cure. Since asthma has been with me for as long as I can remember, Mom said I would have asthma for life. I have had all kinds of treatments and there is no cure. Therefore, from the deepest part of my heart, I have possessed this kind of stereotypical thinking (that it can never be cured), and I am also used to it appearing in my life from time to time.
After settling in Singapore, I had to get medicines mailed from China regularly, and I also had to see the doctor on a regular basis. I have seen many doctors. I did not go to the doctor for a cure. It is because, in my mind, my asthma is innate and cannot be cured. Seeing an extra doctor is just a convenience. The doctor prescribed the highest-strength medication. At last, I don't need a prescription from the doctor himself anymore when I shop for medication. I only had to speak to the nurse because everyone knew me too well. It developed to the point where I couldn't touch anything cold. A mouthful of cold water could trigger a violent cough. I couldn't drink orange juice. I couldn't touch beans. A little bit of air-conditioning would immediately make me cough. Singapore is a tropical country, and in summer, everyone tries to keep themselves cool. However, I have to wear socks at home, and I have to put on a coat when I go out in the car. I am so careful. Sometimes I am fine, but at night, when I lie down, I cough and have to get up and take a spray.
By the time I studied Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, my asthma was very severe. Not only did I have to take strong cough medicine many times a day, but I also had to take hormones to control my condition. Hormone side effects are known to almost everyone, and I knew better as a medical professional, but I simply had no other choice.
Like insomnia, I didn't even think Buddhist scriptures would help my asthma. Once at Singapore Guan Yin Citta Practice Centre (Oriental Radio Practice Centre), while chatting, a Buddhist friend said her asthma had healed after reciting Buddhist scriptures. While others rejoiced over her, I said without thinking, "No way, asthma can't be cured." My words caused the other Buddhists to hastily end the conversation because they were afraid I would continue to create negative verbal karma.
With the deepening of my Buddhism study, I slowly understood the concept of karmic obstacles. I also learned how to recite the Eighty-eight Buddhas Great Repentance and Little House to eliminate karmic obstacles. So, on Guan Yin Bodhisattva's birthday in April this year, specifically for my asthma, I recited the Eighty-eight Buddhas Great Repentance 27 times and also burned and repaid the Little House to my karmic creditors. However, I still did not expect immediate results. Nevertheless, a miracle happened! My husband noticed it first: I stopped coughing! After his reminder, it dawned on me that I hadn't coughed for the past few days. Could it be that the Bodhisattva helped me eliminate my karma? To verify, I drank cold water. Gosh, I didn't cough! I tried eating beans. Oh my god, I was fine! Orange juice, and yogurt, they are all good to go! I went to my best friend's home to report the good news. My best friend didn't believe me and tried to turn on the air conditioner to see how I reacted. As a result, the cool air did not bother me! I haven't had an asthma attack once so far. I don't have to be so careful anymore!
The third change in my health achieved by reciting Buddhist scriptures was my back. For years, my back has always felt uncomfortable as if it was pressed against a thick quilt. So, I often went for massages. After reciting Buddhist scriptures, the symptoms also disappeared and my body never felt lighter!
Such a large change in my body was not resolved even after decades of medical treatments. These illnesses were so stubborn that I fully believed they would always be with me. I never thought that reciting Buddhist scriptures for just >1 year would allow me to say goodbye to decades of old ailments. Guan Yin Bodhisattva is so compassionate! The Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door is excellent! I didn't specifically pray for the Bodhisattva to help me get rid of my illnesses, but the fact that I did makes me believe in what Master Lu enlightened us, "Miracles will happen!"
I like to be serious about what I do. Unless I don't do it, I will do it well. Learning Buddhism is the same. When I initially encountered Buddhism, when I heard my Buddhist friends say the word enlightenment, I was curious about what enlightenment was and how to become enlightened. Until one day I quietly recited Buddhist scriptures. Suddenly my mind was thinking straight, as if nothing mattered in an instant, and there was only joy in my heart. At that moment my heart opened. I realized that the true study of Buddhism is not praying for changes in external circumstances, but cultivating inner purity. Enlightenment is not easy, and temporary enlightenment comes and goes with the environment. However, I believe that as long as I persevere and practice with faith and righteousness and by the Dharma, there will be a day "when water comes a canal is formed".
Grateful to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva! Grateful to Master Lu! Grateful to Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door!
Presenter: Buddhist practitioner
Translator: Frank
Published: 2023-11-06
Source: Master Lu’s blog - Feedback from Buddhist practitioners of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door
Statement by translator
The story was translated from Chinese into English by meaning, not word by word. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the Chinese version, I pray for forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda！
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the five golden Buddhist practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma.
For more information, please contact fellow practitioner: Lily
Email：sunnypurplelily@gmail.com
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下：
学佛不到两年，五十年哮喘奇迹痊愈
我是新加坡的同修，现在居住在墨尔本，学习心灵法门虽然才短短一年多，却按捺不住内心的喜悦想跟大家分享我的学佛体会。
新加坡有个四马路，四马路的观音庙非常有名，信佛的人都知道，我经常去观音庙拜菩萨，那时我以为信佛就是磕头求签，直到有一天我再去，看见几个人在免费结缘佛书，我好奇的上前也拿了一本，交谈中听说她们经常来这里派书，奇怪的是我每周都来四马路，也经常来观音庙烧香，却是第一次遇到。缘分就是这么奇妙，不成熟时擦肩而过也看不见，一旦成熟，什么也阻挡不了。
书很好看，但是一看《大悲咒》我不由得产生了畏难情绪，就这样徘徊了一段时间，最终促成我念经的，是我对信仰的渴望。年过半百，虽然经常烧香，但佛教对我而言还远远谈不上信仰，然而人还是应该有个信仰，这个念头随着年龄增长愈发强烈，最终我决定真正的走进佛教，开始念经。
那时的我被失眠和哮喘折磨了很多年，但即使开始念经我也没想过念经会改变我的健康，这个改变，简直颠覆了我作为医务工作者的职业思维。
失眠很多年了，最早是因为职业原因要上夜班，偶尔失眠，随着时间推移慢慢成了常态，过了五十岁后，失眠竟然愈演愈烈，到了整晚不能入睡的程度，数羊能数到两千只还是不行，到了早上疲惫不堪，精神恍惚，早先的失眠我没当回事，直到发展成整晚失眠的时候，我才尝试各种办法，但是一直不能解决。菩萨真的是眷顾我，我根本不知道念经可以帮助提高睡眠质量，所以也没求过，没想到，才念经一个星期，我居然可以睡着了，到现在，睡眠质量好得不得了！
再说哮喘，我从2岁开始有哮喘，我的妈妈是药剂师，为了我的哮喘，给我配药，带我看医生，做过各种治疗，只能暂时缓解，拉长发作间隔。妈妈说，我的哮喘是麻疹后遗症，是终身的，不可能痊愈。因为从记事儿起，哮喘就伴随着我，而且妈妈都说了，我会终身哮喘，各种治疗也做了，的确没有治愈，所以我从内心最深处，已经拥有了这种定式思维，也习惯了它在我的生活中时而出现。定居新加坡以后，我要定期从中国邮寄药品，也要定期去看医生，我看过很多不同的医生，不是为了根治，因为在我心中，我的哮喘是天生的，是不可能治愈的，多个医生只是图个方便。医生开出的药是强度最高的，到最后，我去开药已经不用医生亲自开处方了，只需要跟护士讲一下，大家对我都太熟悉了。发展到后来，我一丁点凉的东西都不能碰，一口凉水就可以引发我剧烈的咳嗽，橙汁也不能喝，豆类也不能沾，一点点空调马上就咳嗽，新加坡是个热带国家，到了夏天，每个人都想尽办法让自己凉快些，可我在家要穿袜子，出门乘车要搭一件外衣，就这样千小心万小心，有时好好的，到了晚上一躺下来马上咳嗽，就得起来吃药喷雾。到学习心灵法门之前，我的哮喘已经非常严重，不仅每天要吃很多次强力止咳药，还必须服用激素来控制病情。激素的副作用几乎人人知晓，我作为医务工作者更是清楚，但是我根本没有别的选择。
和失眠一样，我根本没想过念经能帮助到我的哮喘，甚至在学佛后，有一次在新加坡观音堂，聊天时，一位佛友说她的哮喘念经后好了，在别人为她赞叹的时候，我不假思索的就说，不可能的，哮喘不可能好的，弄得其他佛友怕我继续造口业，赶紧终止了谈话。
随着学佛的深入，我慢慢了解了业障这个概念，也知道了怎么念礼佛和小房子来消业。于是在今年四月观音诞那天，我念了27遍礼佛大忏悔文，专门针对我的哮喘，也烧送了小房子。虽然是针对哮喘，我依然没有指望有什么立竿见影的效果，然而奇迹发生了，我的先生首先发现，我不咳嗽了！这一提醒，我也恍然大悟，的确这几天没咳嗽啊，莫非菩萨帮我消业了？为了验证，我大着胆子喝了凉水，天呐，居然喝凉水也不咳嗽了，再吃点豆子试试看，天呐，居然吃豆子也没问题了！橙汁，酸奶，都可以吃了！我喜冲冲的去好朋友家报告喜讯，好朋友也不相信，试着打开空调冷风看我的反应，空调风也可以吹了！到现在一次也没犯，我再也不用千小心万小心的这也不行那也不行了！
念经对我的健康第三个改变是我的背，常年以来，我的背总是觉得像压着一床厚被子似的不舒服，弄得我经常要去按摩，念经后也消失了，身体从未有过的轻快！
身体这么大的改变是我几十年寻医问药也没有解决的，这些病顽固到让我完全相信它们会一直伴随着我，没想到念经短短一年多时间，可以让我告别几十年的老病根，观世音菩萨太慈悲了！心灵法门太好了！我没有特别祈求过要菩萨帮我把病去除，但事实让我相信台长说过的一句话“奇迹一定会发生的！”
我做事喜欢认真，不做则已，做就做好，学佛也是一样，初学佛时听到佛友们说开悟这个词，我很好奇开悟是什么，怎么开悟？直到有一天我静静的念经，念着念着，突然脑子里啪的一下，好像瞬间什么都不重要了，心中只有喜悦，那一刹那我的心开了，我知道真正的学佛不是祈求外环境的变化，而是修得内心清净，开悟是不容易的，暂时的开悟会随着境界时有时无，但是我相信只要坚持，正信正念如理如法的修持，一定会有水到渠成的那一天。
感恩大慈大悲观世音菩萨！感恩师父！感恩佛缘成熟让我遇见心灵法门！
来自：卢台长 心灵法门 新加坡【学佛改变人生】——学佛不到两年，五十年哮喘奇迹痊愈
Disclaimer of Liability
The contents of the answers, such as text, images, and other information obtained from Dharma practitioners, are provided solely for reference purposes. Since karma differs from person to person, you may not be able to replicate the same results as the authors. Neither their experience nor their advice should be construed as medical advice or diagnosis.
In case of an emergency, please call your doctor or 911 right away. It is solely at your own risk to rely on any information found in the answers. The translator and answerer accept no responsibility. By using or misusing the answers, you are liable for any personal injury, including death.

I will be going to the US on the 5th of May. If you are willing to wait, I can take it with me and ship it from Arizona when I arrive in the states. However, all US buyers will be required to make a deposit to avoid ghost. The deposit will be 50% of the final shipped price.
Vouched seller so I only accept F&F thank you!
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Special thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.
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I'd also like to thank u/xskipy10 for their awesome fanart of the main cast as well as their recent Tohba meme and their fanart of Michael baysitting. You're work is a treasure!
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Thank you as well to u/Accomplished-Golf-59 for his take on Michael, Teylim, and Tohba in his submission for the Banner Art Contest, and u/Spacer_Catgirl4969 for their awesome music video featuring a pixel-art Dohkar in his bar. Be sure to give ALL of these awesome creators your love and support.
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And let's not forget u/Guywhoexists2812 who has been an awesome source of memes as well as sick pixel art, such as THIS and THIS!!!! And even THIS!!!!!! Thank you so much!
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Today, we join Teylim as she finally reveals what became of Michael's beloved guitar, and gets a glimpse into his past. LETTUCE...continue...
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First
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Previous
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Songs Mentioned/Used: N/A
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Memory Transcript Subject: Michael Ruiz Andrews, Human Refugee Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 7, 2137
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[Warning!: REM Sleep Detected: Transcript May Be Fragmented Or Incomplete…]
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My throat is dry and stings a bit when I breathe, but that’s okay.
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My arms and legs are getting tired and sore from running, but that’s okay.
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Twigs and branches from the plants and trees around me scratch my face and snag on my clothes, but that’s okay.
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I look back for a second, wondering if he’s still chasing me. He is. He’s faster than me. He’ll catch me eventually, but that’s okay.
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It’s okay. I’m okay. And he’s okay. Because he’s okay, I’m okay. And because I’m okay, everything is okay.
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I see a nice, fat, tree to hide behind and dart around it. I catch my breath and wait.
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Heavy footsteps reach the clearing I’m in. He’s breathing hard, but after a big sigh, I hear him.
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“PHEW!!!! Madre de Dios, Mijo! You got some legs on you, huh?”
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I cover my mouth with my hands to keep myself from laughing. I had to try to stay quiet.
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“Now then, if I were my little niño demonio, where would I be?”
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I hear him walking around. He starts getting closer to my tree.
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“Come out, come out, wherever you aaaare.”
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He starts going around one side of my tree, so I quietly go around the other. He’s been getting sloppier lately, but that’s okay. He’s okay, so I’m okay.
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I’m behind him now. I could just run away again, but I’m tired, and I know he’s tired too. But that’s okay. I’ll end the game for now. I rush forward and jump as high as I can. He’s just barely able to turn around and catch me. He loses balance and we both fall with a big thud. The game is over. I lose, but that’s okay.
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“GOTCHA, DAD!”
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“AAAAAUURGH!!! You got me!”
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We’re laughing now. He gives me a big squeeze, rolling back and forth as he keeps holding onto me. He’s got me. He always does, and that’s okay.
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But…then…something goes wrong.
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His laughing turns into coughing. His grip gets loose.
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“Dad?”
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He raises a hand to his mouth and keeps coughing into it. It just gets worse and worse.
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Why is he coughing red?
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“Dad?! DAD?!”
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He’s not okay. I’m not okay. It’s not okay. He needs help. I need help.
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“Dad! DAD!!!”
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Why is he getting skinnier?
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Why is his skin getting paler?
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Why is his hair getting grayer?
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“DAD!!!!”
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I shake him. I hug him. I try everything I know how to do. But it isn’t working. He’s not okay. I’m not okay. None of this is okay.
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“DAD!!!”
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Eventually, the coughing stops. I look back down at him, but he’s not there anymore… He’s gone. I think I hear a long drawn out beep. And now…I’m alone…
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He wasn’t okay. He won’t ever be again. I…won’t ever be again. IT…won’t ever be again…
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I’m alone…
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“Not completely alone, Blue.”
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[Warning!: Fear Response Spiking Rapidly!: Attempting To Compensate…]
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A chilling, sickly sweet, voice slithers it’s way into my ears from just behind me. I’m frozen in place. I know that voice. I’ve spent a long time trying to forget it.
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S-s-stop…
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“What a cute little memory. WE had our OWN little games of Hide And Seek too, didn’t we?
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N-n-no… S-s-stop…
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Hide and Seek was never fun with HER. It wasn’t a game. She’d get mad. She’d scream. She’d say mean things. She’d hurt me. So I’d run and hide, and hope she’d just give up and leave me alone. But it never worked. She’d always find me, and it wouldn’t be okay. It never was… I never was…
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“Poor Little Boy Blue, left all alone again. That deadbeat was glad to be dead and rid of you, wasn’t he?”
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No! He’s not like that! He’d never think that!
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“Really? If he really cared, then why did he have to go and die and leave you all alone like this?”
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He…he’s not…
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“But I’LL never leave you. You know that. You’re stuck with me. Everyone else just dies or leaves when they find out what you are.”
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No… Worthless. That’s not… Useless. That’s not what I am! Burden.
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The three words burn their way through my mind. I’m frozen all over, but those words keep burning. I can’t think straight. My head hurts. It hurts so bad. I just want it to stop.
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Please… Worthless.
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Anyone… Useless.
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Help me… Burden.
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“Michael?”
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The noise gets a bit quieter. That voice… I don’t know it, but it’s still so…familiar… How do I recognize it?
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“Michael? Are you alright?”
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The burning in my brain stops, and the cold slowly begins to warm up again. That voice…it’s so…comfy.
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I try to look for the person talking. I see them. They’re very far away, but I can see them.
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Is that a…kangaroo?
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“Michael, what in the stars are you doing out here by yourself?”
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I…don’t know this person, but it feels like I do. Their voice is nice. It feels…like how HERS is supposed to feel. Warm, comfy, safe…
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I don’t know this person, but I know I want to be closer… I slowly get up, and try running toward them.
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“That’s it. Come on. Dinner’s going ti get cold if we stay out here.”
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O-okay!
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I run. I run as hard as I can, but…they don’t get any closer.
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I’m coming! Just wait!
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“Michael?”
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Wait! Please!
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They just keep getting further away. I run faster, as hard as I can.
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“Michael!”
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Wait!
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But it’s no use. They’re gone…and I’m alone again.
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“It’s going to happen.”
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Shut up.
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"How long before she finds out what you are, too?"
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Stop…
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“Or maybe she already does. Who knows? Just how long before she leaves too?”
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S-stop. She isn’t like that…
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“How do you know?”
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I just…do…
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“Come now. Before you even met her, you were wondering if she’d be like me.”
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SHE ISN’T!
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“Before she even got the chance, you’d already pegged her to be like me. And she IS…”
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NO!
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“Poor Little Boy Blue, locked away in a basement where no one can see. Hit and yelled at whenever he gets out of line.”
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Stop…
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“See? Just. Like. Me.”
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No… She’s not…
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“Just a matter of time before it starts again.”
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N-no… She’s not… She wouldn’t…
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“Oh really? You don’t think she’s hiding ANYTHING from you?”
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She isn’t! She wouldn’t! She never lies! She never hurts! She never hides! SHE ISN’T YOU!
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. . .
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“Then why don’t you ask her?”
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Suddenly, I feel something. It feels like something I’ve forgotten. How did I forget about it? I look down. It’s…
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“Ask her where it is, and watch her try to hide.”
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No!
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The voice gets closer.
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“She’ll see what you are.”
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NO!
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“She’ll leave you alone.”
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NO! STOP!
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The voice is right behind me again. Sharp claws dig into my shoulders, and I let out a silent scream as they burn inside me.
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“And then, it will be just US again.”
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[Warning!: Fear Response At Unacceptable Levels!: Transcript Integrity Compromised!]
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Memory Transcript Subject: Teylim, Yotul Refugee Sponsor Date:[Standardized Human Time] January 7, 2137
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I ran my claws through Tohba’s fur, freshly dried and soft as a hensa pup. He mewled and sighed as he snuggled in under his quilted blanket.
​
“Wuv…you…Ma…ma…”
​
My heart warmed as a smile formed on my snout from those three beautiful words.
​
My joey loves me, and-
​
“I love you too, Precious. Mama Ioves you so much.”
​
Once I was sure he was asleep, a sat there for just a little while longer, watching as he breathed and shifted under the blanket. Satisfied, I leaned into his crib and gave him one last lick on the cheek before stepping away.
​
One joey tucked in and asleep.
​
One to go.
​
Leaving the door cracked, I headed down the hall the short ways to Michael’s bedroom door. I’d left him be for the moment to let him eat his dinner in peace while I got Tohba bathed and ready for bed. While I knew he wouldn’t stand for letting me tuck him in with a story and a goodnight lick, despite how much I really really want to, the least I could do was bring the dishes up for him and at least make sure he was doing alright.
​
Actually telling him about his guitar wouldn’t hurt.
​
I WILL! …eventually…
​
I couldn’t lie to myself. I was terrified of telling Michael about his instrument. In truth, I was hoping to put it off until after he was mostly recovered. There was no telling how he’d react, especially in his current state. But really, that was an excuse. I was just…scared…
​
Taking a deep breath, I started making my way down the stairs, doing my best to calm down and put on a more cheery mood.
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“Good paw, Mi-. Oh…”
​
It would seem I didn’t have to worry about getting him to bed after all. He was already fast asleep. Hushing myself, I made my way towards his nightstand where the dishes from dinner sat. I was doing my best to keep silent, but as I got closer, it was clear Michael wasn’t sleeping as soundly as I’d first thought.
​
His breathing was erratic as he shifted back and back and forth. I could even get him muttering under his breath.
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“Noth…ing…like…you… Wr…ong… You’re…wrong…”
​
Who is he talking to?
​
I probably shouldn’t have, but I was just too scared for him not to attempt to wake him or at least calm him from whatever nightmare he was having.
​
Slowly, I reached a paw out and just barely touched his shoulder. I had to immediately jump backwards as he jolted upright with a start.
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“GAH!!! NO STOP!!!”
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“Michael! It’s just me!”
​
His chest expanded and retracted rapidly as he slowly regained control of his breath and senses. He slowly looked over to me before cradling his head in his hands.
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“Tey! S-s-sorry, I-“
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“It’s alright. Nightmare?”
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“Y-y-yeah... A b-bad one…”
​
I stepped forward, placing a paw on his knee. My concern only grew when I saw him flinch at my touch.
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“These nightmares have been happening more and more lately. Are you SURE you’re alright?”
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“I-I’m f-fine…”
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Nonsense.
​
Clearly.
​
“Michael, you are many things but fine isn’t one of them. If there’s anything wrong, please, tell me.”
​
“Tey… Could I ask you something?”
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“Of course. Anything.”
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“I was wondering… Where’s my guitar?”
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Anything, huh?
​
We were never going to put it off forever.
​
Out of all the questions he could’ve asked me, I’d been dreading that one the most.
​
“Y-your-“
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“I’ve been trying to think back to when I got shot, and the last thing I remember before blacking out…was dropping my guitar on stage…”
​
I slowly turned around to see him struggle to his feet. He idly took a few steps forward, looking around the room.
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“It’s not in my stand, and I can’t find my can’t see my case anywhere... So…where is it?”
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His gaze turned back to me. The shear look of pain and desperation he gave me tore me to shreds. That looked screamed at me, already suspecting the answer, but begging, PLEADING for me to say it wasn’t true…
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“Tey… Please… Where. Is. My. Guitar?”
​
I looked away in shame, not able to bear that look any longer. All I could bring myself to do, was walk towards the bed, kneeling down, and reaching far beneath it. In truth, it was a complete gamble whether or not he’d find it, but it just…didn’t feel right keeping it anywhere other than his room.
​
Slowly dragging the case out and placing it on the bed, it was impossible not to notice the damage that just the case had. It had been kept behind the stage during the stampede. While it hadn’t been completely trampled over, it had still taken a beating.
​
Numerous scratches, knicks, and dents covered every inch of the case, but for the most part, it was in one piece. Had his guitar still been in the case during the stampede…there might have been a chance…
​
But it wasn’t…
​
“I…am SO…SO sorry, Michael…”
​
My voice cracked and I could feel my eyes well up. It was a far too familiar feeling. I’m fairly certain I’ve cried more times in this one week than I have in a long time, second only to when I lost my mate.
​
With two sad, squeaky, clicks, the latches of the case came loose. I lifted the lid with shaky paws, revealing…what was left of Michael’s guitar…
​
My paws continued to tremble as I reached inside and pulled out what was once the neck of Michael’s beloved instrument. The wood and plastics were cracked and warped, long since broken away from the body. Six metal strings hung loose from the pegs at the end, and many of the frets had popped loose and been lost in the mess that was the remnants of the stage.
​
Scullen had been delivering whatever other pieces and scraps of the body he could find, but after being married and mated to a musician myself, I knew damage like this…was well beyond repair… Even if we gathered every last sliver, the chances of putting it all back together again would be next to impossible…
​
I continued to look upon the miserably, irreparably broken thing as I began to speak. No excuses, no sidestepping, just the simple honest truth, no matter how painful it was.
​
“W-when the stampede started, it took everything we had just to get YOU off the stage. If we used any more than three people, the stage would’ve just collapsed beneath us before the stampede even hit. By the time we got you out of the way, there wasn’t any time left…”
​
I finally brought myself to look back at him as I turned and placed the neck into his hand. His eyes betrayed no shock or surprise, just grim resignation. He already knew something was wrong, but was just hoping beyond hope that he was wrong.
​
But now, holding the remains of his guitar in his hands, all he could do was collapse back down on the bed. After a moment, his breathing became labored and shaky. His lips quivered, his eyes filling with hopelessness as he said only one word…
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“…Dad…”
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Without another word, Michael’s arms wrap around the broken thing, and hold it tight to his chest. Tears fowls freely from his eyes as he cradles one of the few things he had to remember his father.
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Oh, my poor sweet joey…
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“Michael, I am so sorry. I-“
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I try to reach out, but he pulls away. He doesn’t say a word, but just turns away, continuing to hold onto his guitar.
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“Michael, I…”
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“It should’ve been me…”
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Wait. What?
​
“What? Michael, I don’t-“
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“IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!”
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His head shoots back around to look at me. I resisted every urge to take a step backward from the sheer look of betrayal and heartbreak in his eyes.
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“Michael, if I had to choose between saving you or your guitar, I would save YOU every time! You can’t expect me to just-“
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“No…that’s not…”
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He turned away again, eyes transfixed on the neck in his hands.
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“It should’ve been me…who died… Then maybe…maybe he’d still be-“
​
“Don’t talk like that!”
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His head lowered, resigned to continuing his sobbing.
​
“Don’t you DARE start thinking like that! I never knew your father, but as a parent, I can tell you for a FACT that he would NEVER want you thinking that way. If he was even half the man you’ve said he was, then he’d WANT you to keep moving forward!”
​
There was silence for a moment, Michael’s quiet sobs being the only thing to be heard. After a short sniffle, again, he only said one word.
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“Why?”
​
“What?”
​
“Why do you care?”
​
His voice had an accusing, almost angry tone. The question almost made me lose my train of thought. Not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I had far too many, too the point where it just seemed plain rhetorical, asinine even!
​
What the hell kind of question is that?! Why do I care?! Why WOULDN’T I care?!
​
Michael ranted on before I could respond.
​
“Tohba, I get. HE’S A KID! He doesn’t know any better! Dohk just loves laughing at my expense, and ‘Nel’s just got a crush! But you?! I’ve never understood… Why do you care?! What do you want from me?! What do you get out of this?! WHY DO YOU CARE?!”
​
His words were like knives: sharp, harmful things being thrown every which way. I’m certain he didn’t mean most of it, at least I hoped he didn’t, but this had to be coming from somewhere. Doing my best to not let his words affect me, I pried further.
​
“What do I get out of this? What are you even talking about, Michael? Do you honestly think this is some kind of transaction we have going on here? Of course, I care about you! Michael, your like a so-“
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“I’M NOT YOUR SON, TEY!!!!!!”
​
A deafening silence filled the room. Any words I would’ve said were sucked straight out of me as Michael’s words shot straight through my heart…nearly shattering it.
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Not…not my-?
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He can’t mean that…
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Not my… not my…
​
Noticing how his words hurt me, he looked away again, guilt filling every single inch of his face.
​
“I’m not… No matter…how much I… I’m just not, Tey. I can’t. I can’t be that. I can’t do that to you.”
​
My mind returned to me. That last sentence stuck out to me. There was DEFINITELY something else here. I needed to know more. Damn my previous stance on the matter. If this had ANYTHING to do with his previous life on Earth, then I NEEDED to know.
​
With trepidation, I approached him once more. I didn’t touch him. Instead, I simply sat down next to him, giving him space, but still letting him know I was here.
​
“What do you think you’re doing to me, Michael?”
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“I…I-I can’t…”
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“Michael, I’ve always said that you can talk to me. So please.”
​
He looked down at the remains of his guitar once more. Cradling it to his chest, he took a nervous gulp…and spoke…
​
“A-at the concert…I let myself believe…that I could have a family, that I could have a home…”
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He stil ca-!
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Shush. Let him speak.
​
“And…and almost immediately, it all went to hell. Sure, no one we knew got hurt, but a lot of people we didn’t did. If I had just left… If none of you had bothered…they wouldn’t be hurting right now. What happens the next time? What if it’s Dohk that gets hurt next? Or ‘Nel? What if Tohba gets hurt? Or you?! HELL! The first person that was ever nice to me in this damn town is in a cell because of it!”
​
He looked over to me, eyes filled with guilt and regret. They screamed and pleaded for me to understand his point of view.
​
“Don’t you get it? THIS is what I do. This is what happens. Every. Single. Time. Everyone I care about, everyone I love gets hurt.”
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“Michael, I-“
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“Don’t believe me? Ask HIM.”
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He pointed behind him towards his desk. I followed his finger to an object on the shelf just above it. A holopicture frame.
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“Your father?”
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He looked up towards the ceiling, the pain in his expression more visible than ever.
​
“Dad loved me. He fought for me my entire life, even when I wasn’t even allowed to see him. He still fought for me. And in the end it cost him EVERYTHING! I-“
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He looked back down, setting the broken instrument in his lap so he could cradle his head in his hands.
​
“I can’t watch it happen to anyone else, Tey. Not ‘Nel. Not Dohk. Not Tohba… And not you.. I won’t watch the people I love waste away to nothing… Not again... I barely survived the first time… I can’t… Not again… Anything but that…”
​
Michael…
​
My heart ached. It destroyed me to see him in so much pain. So much regret. So much hopelessness. The fact that it came from a place of love as well only made it that much more tragic.
​
“Stop caring, Tey. Please. All this time and effort is wasted on me… I’m not worth it… I never was… I’m just an idiot with a guitar, and I don’t even have THAT anymore… Just worthless. Just useless. Just a burden.”
​
His head lowered one more time. It was clear he had no more to say on the subject, BUT I DIDN’T.
​
Those three words. Those three damned words. I’ve never heard such nonsense before in my life. They were just so…WRONG! So completely, irrefutably, factually WRONG!
​
Worthless?! Anyone with even half a brain in their skull knew that to be false. Just being around him has made the lives of so many people better. His singing, his music, his love, his compassion, his sheer drive to help others, it was all plain to see for anyone willing to see it.
​
Useless? In just a few months, he has turned the entire town on the corrupt bastards at The Guild: the very task that Dohkar and Loh worked tirelessly at for cycles and still didn’t succeed. Even so, the staunchest of conservatives when it came to human integration would still have to admit that him being able to teach music alone is enough of a use in a poorer, rural community like ours.
​
And a burden? This one. THIS ONE, made me angry. Is Michael a pawful? Yes, of course he is. He can be careless, reckless, and downright inconsiderate at times. The multiple spoon whacks to the head I’ve given him are proof of that, but a burden?! I feel insulted FOR HIM. The thought that anyone would DARE do call him that made me want to put my spoon through a wall.
​
NO ONE CALLS MY MICHAEL A BURDEN! NO ONE!
​
And even yet still, something about those words we just so…out of character for him. I couldn’t quite put my claw on it, but those words… They didn’t sound like his. No. There was something more to this, something I was missing.
​
“Who told you that?”
​
His head jerked upward. His reaction said it all. Not only was I not dropping this, but I’d asked the right question.
​
“I…I-I don’t-“
​
“Michael!”
​
He was instantly silenced. The “mom voice” was back on. I was getting to the bottom of this. If there was any chance of Michael recovering, I had to.
​
“Who told you you were Worthless? Who told you you were Useless? Who told you you were a burden? Because it sure as hell wasn’t me.”
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His whole body seemed to flinch as I said repeated those words. As if simply speaking them had a reaction.
​
“Michael, I’ve always known that something must’ve happened on Earth.”
​
His hands clenched, his arms and legs shook, and his breathing became far more shaky as he tried to look away again. I was getting closer, and he knew it. There was DEFINITELY something he didn’t want me to know.
​
“I’ve always known that something must’ve happened in your past life, but I didn’t want to pry. I didn’t want to force your hand. I wanted YOU to come to ME. I wanted you to feel safe, secure! I wanted you to trust me!”
​
“I dO TruSt yOu…”
​
“Then tell me!”
​
I hopped off the bed and walked over to stand in front of him. I was so close, so close to finding out what he was hiding. I just needed to press a little further.
​
“Michael, ever since I met you, I’ve wanted nothing more than to help you. But I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s wrong! Who made you think these things about yourself? Who put these lies in your head?”
​
I got as close as I could. I still wasn’t sure about touching him again, but I needed to try. The answer was right there. After debating with myself, I slowly took his hands in my paws, gently, just barely touching them.
​
“Please, Michael. You can tell me. You know that.”
​
“I…I-I c-c-can’t…”
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“Why not?”
​
“B-because…we…w-we don’t…”
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“Don’t what?”
​
“. . .We…d-don’t t-t-talk ab-bout her. . .”
​
. . .
​
“Her?” Who is “her?”
​
Was this the answer? I tried to think back, think back to all my interactions with Michael for ANYTHING that was familiar. Anything that might have to do with this “her.” But I couldn’t find anything.
​
But something did stick out to me though. The way he was acting, the way he shook and shivered, I’d seen him like this before… It was the very first day we met.
​
It was only for a moment, and he had his helmet on at the time. But now that I could see his face, his eyes, I knew what this was.
​
Fear.
​
Sheer, unbridled, paralyzing fear.
​
This was the kind of fear that was almost embedded into you. It was the kind of primal terror that only develops early on in life. It’s the same fear I see in the townsfolk whenever Michael is out and about. The kind of fear that’s almost PROGRAMMED into you.
​
What could’ve affected him so early in his life to garner this kind of fear? And what did it have to do with “her?”
​
. . .Unless. . .
​
And then…something clicked. I almost disregarded the idea entirely, just because of the sheer LUNACY of it. It just…didn’t make sense to me. It was the complete antithesis of everything I was, everything I am, everything I was trying to be to both Michael AND Tohba, and even Khornel to a degree. The very concept felt like an anathema to me…
​
Still…it was the best lead I had.
​
So I looked back up to Michael, still shaking, shivering, and full of anxiety and nerves. I closed my eyes and opened them again, looking upon him with this new lense, this new ridiculous, ludicrous, and yet horrifying new perspective…and something changed.
​
What I saw in front of me was not the same Michael I knew. The anxious, irritable, scatterbrained spaceman I’d known these past few months was gone. In his place…was a child. A shivering, scared, lonely child who was only ever guilty of one thing: wanting to be loved.
​
My instincts took over as I leaned forward, giving the child in front of me my full attention.
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“Michael?”
​
My voice was soft. I spoke clearly, being careful to show that I wasn’t here to judge or scold, only to listen, and be here should he need me.
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“Who told you that you didn’t deserve to be loved?”
​
The child’s lips quivered for a moment before they looked away. He curled in on himself, holding one arm with the other, like he’d just been caught in a lie. With no other excuses, and no other options, the only thing left to try…was to tell the truth, and hope that it wouldn’t be too bad.
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And with just two words, barely above a whisper…my fears were confirmed…
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“…M-my Mom…”
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