I’ve had derealization since 2021. I was a 12 in 6th grade and I wanted to hangout with older kids which was a bad idea. We smoked weed and it sent me down hill up until now. I’m 14 now and I still get it sometimes but it’s not as bad as it was.
It really does get better and you learn to manage it and find the triggers and causes. I was scared to touch weed for around a year due to this but I did end up doing it again and it wasn’t bad. The reason your body does this is because it’s trying to protect you from high levels of paranoia/anxiety and I’d say it’s kinda cool the brain does that. I’ve lived with it for about three years and i’m not scared of it anymore and neither should anyone else. I get how hard it can be, how you can feel unreal and like your dreaming but like i said before you learn to manage it and find triggers and causes. Last time I was on this subreddit I read this persons post about how they’ve been in a state of derealization for around 7-9years and they said with time you learn to manage it and it gets easier. In my case it goes away and comes back sometimes but I know that it’ll be okay and it took me a long time to come to that understanding. It’ll take time for a lot of people to understand that but it’s seriously is possible and you can and will work through it. There’s no way out of it you can only go through. I’m writing this because I got another little episode of derealization and depersonalization and I just told myself that i’m gonna be okay. Which is true you’re gonna be okay. I just wanted to share this in hopes it may help someone <33 feel free to ask questions etc.
(i am aware of what drug use does to the brain at a young age. I was dumb and I understand that and I live with the consequences now, so don’t lecture me)

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

“What do you mean it’s wrong?” said Tamara, becoming frustrated with Samuel.
“I'm trying to tell you that plants do not eat earth. They just absorb nutrients from it,” Samuel replied, equally annoyed as this was the fourth time he had explained it. “Look, just take my word for it, OK,” he added.
“Fine, but you will have to explain it again,” Tamara retorted.
Samuel and Tamara were partners in a scientific study of their forest home. It was genuinely idyllic in every sense of the word; the trees stretched high into the sky, and everyone was covered in succulent leaves, a deep and gorgeous shade of green. Around their trunks were rings of flowers gathered from every continent, and a thick carpet of grass lay on the ground.
The two sat underneath a chestnut tree, writing up their findings for the day. It had focused mainly on tree sizes and growth rates, and they had continued this study for, on and off, almost a year.
Samuel turned to look at his assistant and found that she was just as remarkable as the day they had first met: golden locks, like living sunlight, tied neatly in a bun. Her eyes were an emerald green, and all in all, she was gorgeous. However, it was when you came to her waist that things became truly incredible because rather than a pair of legs, there was a long and wide snake’s tail.
It was huge, at least seven metres long and as wide as her torso. The scales were the same beautiful colour as her hair and reflected the sunlight in such a way that she appeared to glow. She was wearing an ultramarine tunic with a black diamond in the centre. She was like this not because of a plague, a curse or some mutation; Tamara was a Lamia; it was how she was born.
Samuel, on the other hand, looked far less impressive. He was around five foot ten, with dull brown hair and equally dull eyes. His stomach stuck out from the rest of him. No amount of exercise was able to get rid of it.
He was by every description a ‘dull as dishwater’ human. His clothes, however, were slightly more interesting. He wore a navy blue tunic with a thick leather belt wrapped around his waist. On his feet was a pair of excellent leather boots, able to withstand whatever the world threw at them and on his forearms and shins, he wore something Tamara had never seen or even heard of before: a pair of vambraces and greaves, Samuel called it armour.
Three strips of rugged leather layered on top of one another made up each piece, and between each layer was a collection of tiny metal beads. When Tamara asked what they were for, Samuel said they were for protection.
All of this would have been inconceivable to Samuel two years ago, but he had become used to it in time. Samuel was not born into this world; he had arrived. How? He did not know, but he remembered it all vividly; his senses had been overloaded, and at first, he believed he had died.
“What’s wrong?” Tamara asked Samuel, who had been silent for over a minute.
Samuel snapped out of his daydream and said: “nothing, just thinking about that day again.”
Tamara nodded and said nothing else; she knew exactly what was wrong.
Samuel went straight back to writing. When Samuel first showed up, there had been no paper or pens, but what was even stranger than the lack of these apparent necessities was that Samuel had had to invent both of these items.
Tamara and those like her did not possess a written language; they relied entirely on their memories, and until Samuel had shown up, Tamara had not even conceived of the notion, but she had picked it up astonishingly quickly.
“It still sounds like eating to me,” said Tamara, bringing the conversation back to the original topic.
“Well, it isn’t; eating requires a mouth and stomach,” Samuel replied.
“Says who?” Tamara asked defiantly.
“Says me,” Samuel answered.
Samuel jotted down the last of his notes and left the pages to dry in the sun. Samuel then turned to his right and looked at a large book, the size of a chair’s seat, bound in yellow leather and knotted by animal tendons. He picked it up and began to leaf through the pages.
His eyes glanced over paragraphs about oak trees and orchid flowers until he finally reached the section he sought; the page was titled Silver Birch (Betula Pendula).
“Have you finished the drawing on Silver Birch yet?” Samuel asked without looking.
Tamara was currently focused on a drawing of sunflowers, but she understood his request and, without looking up or saying a word, handed him the picture he wanted.
Samuel took the drawing and took several moments admiring it. Like all her work, the picture was astounding; not only did it look like an actual Silver Birch, but it also seemed to be alive, as though it would start blowing in the breeze.
Samuel punched four holes along the sheet's left side, undid the tendon strings and then attached the drawing behind the title page. He added eight more pages to his book, four of text and four illustrations.
Their work was now done; there was no more writing or drawing today, and he placed their work into a knapsack Tamara had brought with her. Samuel turned to his partner and asked: “so what do you want to do now?”
Tamara looked up through the canopy and could make out the silhouettes of several birds and finally said: “I’d quite like to fly.”
Samuel smiled, chuckled and said, “Yes, so would I, but that would require every member of the village working together for decades.”
Tamara looked Samuel in the eye and said: “are you making fun of me?”
Samuel did not reply; he just looked Tamara dead in the eye. She observed every minute twitch on Samuel's face and concluded he was not.
“How could a person fly?” She asked, suddenly intrigued.
“I don’t know, I’m not an engineer,” Samuel answered, “So apart from flying, what else do you want to do?”
Tamara let out a sigh and said: “I guess we will just have to walk.”
These were the moments Samuel lived for, just a quiet afternoon with his best friend enjoying a stroll; he was utterly content.
“You seem chipper,” Tamara said, noticing the growing smile on Samuel’s face.
“That’s because I feel chipper” he replied
They passed through the trees, heading towards their favourite spot, a beach by the side of a lake so large you could not see the other side.
“So, how is everyone?” Samuel said, trying to spark a conversation.
“You mean every single one because that could take a while?” Tamara replied.
“Let’s start with your mother” he clarified.
Tamara’s mother, Pancha, was more or less just a larger version of her daughter, just as brash and headstrong.
“She’s fine; she has finally stopped asking me what happened every time I come to meet you,” she said.
“Really, and it only took her two and a half years,” said Samuel with a smirk.
Yes, that first year here, had been a real trial. Samuel had never felt so scared, isolated and persecuted in his life. When he thought about it, he could still feel the fear and the hopelessness.
A gust of air slammed into Samuel’s face, bringing him back to the present, and what a wonderful time it was. The water was crystal clear, the beach was covered in sparkling white sand, and the distinct aroma of water wafted through the air. Samuel breathed it all in as Tamara spread herself over the beach.
The cooling breeze that Samuel found so enjoyable, Tamara found far less agreeable. Tamara was ectothermic or cold-blooded. She could not maintain her body temperature; she needed to absorb it from her environment, and the wind was slowly draining her.
“Comfortable down there?” Samuel asked.
Tamara turned her head, looked up at him and said: “Actually, yes, not as good as my bed, but still fine.”
Samuel left Tamara to her thermoregulation and strolled down to the water’s edge, “stay where I can see you!” Tamara called.
“Yes, MOM,” Samuel answered sarcastically, though he knew it was more for Tamara’s sake than his; she had a problem with open spaces.
Samuel closed his eyes, stretched his arms above his head, feeling his muscles strain against the tension, and yawned. Small tears formed in his eyes and wiped them away. He had only been up for a few hours but was ready for bed.
“Too much thinking, that was the problem,” Samuel mumbled to himself.
The sunlight sparkled on the water’s surface. It seemed as though millions of diamonds were suddenly brought into existence, danced for a few moments, and then vanished as quickly as they came. It was beautiful, just like everything else here.
He climbed up a rock that jutted from that sand and sat down, his legs dangling over the edge. As he kicked his legs, a ray of sun caught his greaves, and although the leather was rather dull, it still dazzled him.
Samuel heard a sound reminiscent of sandpaper brushing against wood, and he knew at once what it was. He waited four more seconds and said, without moving an inch, “Don’t even think about it!”
“How did you know?” Tamara asked, feeling simultaneously impressed, confused and disappointed.
Samuel looked her in the eye and replied: “who do you think you’re dealing with?”
Tamara had not clambered up the rock like Samuel; she had simply raised herself on her tail so she stood over two metres high.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
Tamara smiled and answered, “yes, thanks for asking.”
Tamara moved behind Samuel and then began to coil around the boulder, and if he had not experienced it all before, it would have been unnerving. Tamara was only twelve and a half, yet she was already far stronger than him. Samuel was sure if Tamara really wanted to, she could crush a bison to death. After the graceful dance around the stone, she sat down beside Samuel.
The pair was silent for a few minutes, except for a quick coughing fit by Samuel; they took in the unnatural beauty of their surroundings.
“Hey, I have a question,” said Tamara, coming back to her senses.
“What is it?” Samuel replied.
“You still haven’t told me why we are studying the forest?” She asked.
In an instant, Samuel became deeply confused. To him, it seemed all too obvious why they were doing it.
“There is no practical reason for doing it. We do it so that we know,” Samuel answered.
Tamara became silent. Samuel realised that she was deep in thought and decided to give her all the time she needed until she finally said: “Is this one of those human things?”
Samuel, upon hearing this, gave a small chuckle and answered: “yes, if you like.”
Suddenly, something caught Samuel’s eye. It was a crab, no bigger than a golf ball. Its back was powder blue, and it held its arms upright, its claws pointing down. The tiny creature would walk forward, scoop some sand into its mouth, and then leave a small pellet behind.
“Look at that!” said Samuel, nudging Tamara’s shoulder and pointing at the tiny crustacean. Tamara turned her head and looked directly at where he was pointing; she strained her eyes at what she thought was a pebble; she was about to climb down and collect it when it suddenly moved, and she squealed.
Tamara dragged the bottom end of her tail up from the beach and timidly said, “What’s that?”
Samuel remembered that tone of voice all too well, and it brought with it some unpleasant memories, but he pushed them to the back of his mind and said: “it’s a crab.”
Samuel was certain he had seen this type of crab before but could not put a name to the image. Samuel was sure he had read about them, watched a documentary, or attended a lecture, but he could not remember. Ultimately, he decided to drop it for now and see if the answer would come to him.
Tamara kept staring at it as though she believed it would pounce if she took her eyes off it for one second.
“Is it dangerous?” she asked, her voice hushed to ensure the creature did not notice her.
Samuel sighed and answered: “it’s a crab, Tamara, unless you happen to be a nematode then…”
Samuel paused mid-sentence as his brain finally connected the dots and asked, “Wait, you have never seen a crab before?”
This perplexed Samuel for a moment until he remembered that Tamara did not have a television, a car, and she could not fly a plane, so it was not unexpected that she would not know what a crab was.
Tamara shook her head in response to his question, and Samuel added: “you know what a woodlouse is, right?”
Tamara nodded and said, “I like woodlice.”
“Well, a crab is just a type of woodlouse that lives near water,” Samuel concluded.
However, he could tell from her face that she was unconvinced, so he got off the rock, walked over to the tiny creature, wary of its pincers, and picked it up by its backside.
“What are you doing?” Tamara called in alarm.
Samuel held the animal, its legs flailing wildly in an attempt to escape, and said, “showing you there is nothing to be worried about.”
Taking care not to crush it, Samuel clambered back up the rock and presented the animal to her. Tamara stared at it for some as the crab bobbed its eye up and down and tried in vain to find a part of Samuel it could nip.
“It’s actually kind of… cute,” Tamara said after two minutes of silence.
She relaxed her tail and let it rest on the beach once more. “Can it hold it?” She asked Samuel, fear being replaced by interest.
“Of course, you can. Just make sure you hold it by its back and be careful of the pincers; if they get you, it will hurt.”
Samuel handed the crab over to her and watched as Tamara began to inspect the animal from every angle. The crab had a white underbelly and purple joints.
“You think you could draw it from memory?” Samuel asked.
“Hmm?” Tamara replied. Samuel let out a sigh and repeated. After three more attempts, Tamara finally took notice and said, “Yes.”
Five minutes later, Samuel said, “we should probably put him back now.”
Tamara moaned about it, but Samuel said: “he has his own life, Tamara; you can’t keep him!”
She conceded, grumbling under her breath, and gently placed the animal back on the sand. As the crab dashed away, the two noticed that while they had been fixated on that single crab, thousands more had emerged on the beach.
Upon seeing the swarm of animals make their way across the beach, Tamara let out a squeal and once again pulled her tail up off the beach. The army of crabs marched along the shore. The collective walking produced a sound loud enough to hear from fifty metres away, and at last, Samuel remembered what they were and said, with no small amount of satisfaction in his voice, “they’re soldier crabs.”
“What are they going to do?” Tamara asked, concerned by the sudden appearance of so many creatures.
Samuel kept staring at the gathering, but he heard her question and replied, “They’re just feeding,” and added quickly, “But we are far too big for them.”
“That's odd,” Samuel said under his breath.
“I know there are so many of them,” Tamara said, deeply unnerved by the sheer vastness of the swarm.
“No,” Samuel said, “There should be this many of them; it’s where they are that is strange.”
Tamara momentarily took her eyes off the army and asked, “So where should they be.” There was a slight flicker of fear in her voice at the prospect of being invaded; rats and mice where bad enough. They did not need another pest.
“By the sea, not a freshwater lake,” he answered.
“The Sea?” Tamara almost yelled. Samuel was a little surprised by this enthusiasm and turned to face her.
“Yes,” he said.
“Have you ever been to the sea,” she asked.
“Yes, many times,” Samuel said, uncertain where this was going.
“I bet it’s wonderful,” Tamara added with a smile.
Samuel was silent as his brain connected a few dots and asked: “how can you know about the sea if you don’t know about crabs?”
She smiled; Tamara enjoyed it when she knew something that he did not, “there is a story that my mom told me that before we came to this forest, we were a different people that lived by the sea.” Tamara paused for a breath.
“But then humans came and drove us from the water, and we fled inland. Our people split into two. One half went to the mountains, and the other settled in the forest.”
Tamara finished and waited for his reply. Samuel, however, just kept looking at her. Tamara was concerned that she had upset him; he did not like it when humans were labelled as the enemy, yet his face and posture were not those of one who was sad or angry.
“You people blame us for everything, don’t you?” Samuel said with a chuckle.
“If there is a fire, it’s a human’s fault. If there is an earthquake, it’s a human’s fault. If a little Boreray boy drinks all their apple juice in one gulp, it’s a human’s fault.”
“So, getting back on topic, where did these “Soldier crabs” come from anyway? We have visited this lake for over two years and never seen even a glimpse?” Tamara asked. Samuel looked back to the slowly advancing army, and several ideas flashed through his head.
“Maybe they have been dormant up until now; perhaps they make a large circle around the lake shore, and it’s simply luck that we were here on the day they passed by, or maybe the migrated here from somewhere else.”
They watched the crabs' ceaseless march until Tamara said, “These things are still giving me the creeps. Can we go now?” Samuel could not argue that there was something eerie about all of these animals appearing, seemingly, from nowhere; however, there was still one thing he had to be certain of.
“You think you could draw one from memory?” he asked.
Tamara’s face contorted in a scowl. Samuel, for all his good points, could become far too focused on his research, which often caused him to become ignorant of other people.
Yet she knew sitting here yelling at him would accomplish nothing, so she told him the truth: “Yes, can we go now!” Samuel nodded and then slid off the rock. Tamara copied him, and they both slinked back to the cover of the trees.
Now that she was beneath the canopy, Tamara let out an enormous sigh of relief as the anxiety slowly left, and the close air warmed her body. On the other hand, Samuel began to chafe at the stagnant air while his head began to bead with sweat, but it was nothing he had not experienced before, so he gritted his teeth and bared with it.
With their plans now ruined, Tamara and Samuel wandered aimlessly through the woods, chatting about what they could do to fill the rest of the day. Several ideas arose, including visiting a nearby waterfall and a set of monument stones, but none truly appealed to them.
In the end, Tamara said, “how about we just call it a day?”
Samuel was happy about this. Tamara was his only form of human contact, yet he could not deny the pointlessness of wandering around the woods, so he said, “Ok, but let’s take the long way.”
Samuel heard a sound above him and saw a red squirrel scampering through the trees.
“Is it difficult?” Tamara asked.
Samuel looked at Tamara and replied, “Well, it can give me a crick in my neck sometimes.”
Tamara let out a short laugh and clarified, “No, I mean, is it difficult being so inquisitive? It looks exhausting.”
He was not entirely sure what she meant by that. To Samuel, Tamara was every bit as curious as him, so he stated: “you tell me, you went out looking for me just because you wanted to know.”
“True,” answered Tamara, “and everyone has always said that I am always asking questions, but you’re like a boar that just ate sugar beat.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Samuel said, shaking his head. “But I do know that people always told me, when I was a boy, that humans are, by their nature, infinitely curious, but personally, I think that it’s just how I was born.” there was a pause, and he quickly added, “just like you.”
Tamara’s fingers started to numb as she brushed them against the bark of passing trees. She took a good look at the trees around her. Tamara had lived her entire life sheltered by these trees. This place was her home, her family’s home and her friend’s home, and she loved it, a perfect example of the innate beauty of nature.
Samuel, however, was of a different opinion this forest disturbed him, though this feeling had diminished with time. The trees all grew in perfect symmetry, four and a half strides form each other.
From Tamara’s perspective, there was nothing strange about this, yet Samuel often said that this should not be possible, that the wood should be a mess and that the trees should grow in an unorganised fashion. Yet to Tamara, the idea of messy forests was just as impossible as a structured one was to him.
Noon came and went, and Samuel’s stomach began to rumble. His breakfast was becoming a distant memory; he thought he might be able to bear it for another hour or so, but as they travelled closer to the village, Tamara started to become irritated by Samuel’s constant growling.
“We need to find you something to eat before that sound drives me nuts!” Tamara stated bluntly.
“That’s all well and good, my dear, so long as you can materialise food out of the aether,” answered Samuel, with just a hint of condescension in his voice.
Tamara did not know what the aether was, but it did not matter. “No, but I do know a nearby tree with some great fruit in it,” she replied.
Samuel found this strange for two reasons. Firstly, he found it very difficult to believe there was a source of food in this forest that either he had not found, or Tamara had not told him about yet.
Secondly that, Tamara would know much about something she could not eat. Tamara was strictly carnivorous; she ate nothing but meat.
He wanted answers fast and asked: “So why haven’t you told me about this before?”
“Because I can’t stand the smell, that’s why, and I didn’t want you stinking up the place,” she explained.
“If it smells disgusting, what makes you think I will eat it?” he asked.
“Because the Boreray can’t get enough of it, some of them say that they taste like all the best parts of every fruit and vegetable we grow, which is a shame because they smell like all the worst,” she added.
He asked no more questions. He was too busy thinking; this fruit sounded so familiar, but he could not remember. The need to survive day in day out had pushed most of his standard learning, from school and university to the back of his mind, not forgotten mind you just buried.
I'm back with Tamara and Samuel latest adventure. If you like what you've read so far and want to know where it's going you can find the complete story by following the links below.
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Also the e-book will be at a reduced price until the last chapter it published on reddit.

Hi, I have a broad range of interests and am highly keen on pursuing many of them. I really need help in picking a path and discipline for a career, and just urgently need insight on what’s potentially out there for me. I am currently an undergraduate rising senior and am working towards degrees in both international affairs and anthropology. For the past year I’ve been set on law school for stability/money (I want kids but won’t have them unless I’m well-off) and I think I’d do well, my father is a lawyer and we both are logically inclined and naturally debate often as we have very different perspectives but respect the others’. Recently he’s taken to making me prove every statement so that he can accept them but generally I hold my own and navigate oral conversational analysis well. He’s always told me to just take the LSAT and see how I do because he thinks I’d be really fit for law school. I can see myself being a lawyer and think its somewhat up my alley but I’m just not passionate about the law or constitution or anything else other pre-law students seem to revere. I currently intern in one of the deans offices of the law school at my university and have really gotten to see what it all entails, how everything works both for the students and behind the scenes and think it would work for me. I was helping with exam scheduling and saw the course titles, looked at some of their coursework documents and was interested, particularly those in international law, as an IA major. The extracurriculars just aren’t what I’m passionate about but I could see myself enjoying the experience. Though, with law school, I am tempted to venture out and apply around the country as I want to spend my twenties in a city or stimulating environment. I don’t plan on staying or settling in my state nor practicing law here, though I guess I could and build myself up for a while, I just dream of doing so in New York or California if possible.
In terms of careers I’m passionate about, I’ve really enjoyed my courses in international relations and am very interested in learning more about everything that's just only been barely introduced to me. I would love a really comprehensive understanding of global politics within historical context, and have been researching masters programs, but honestly really just love the one my current university has. There’s also a joint JD/MS in international affairs at my university that really interests me, but I don't know the specific careers relevant to this that I could pursue. I think if I opted to go to law school, I would definitely factor in which schools have such programs in applying, and would probably just stay where I am because it seems most feasible for me, and I think i'd be ok with that? The networking is good in my city because I’m in my state’s capitol, but it’s all in very domestic realms. I just want to be where I am exposed to the most opportunity. I think I'd be most interested in criminal law, and international law naturally sounds good to me, though I'm not entirely sure what it is; it seems very broad and economic.
I just had an interview for a writing internship with the state department and it seemed like a super cool way to network into international careers in general but also international writing, as I am also passionate about writing nonfiction, essays, memoirs, etc- pieces where I can express a subjective perspective within context and generate meaningful impact. I like to submit to local literary magazines in my free time. I’m inspired by types like Joan Didion and would love to pursue a similar lifestyle. That’s just kind of a distant dream though. But with intl affairs, I’d also like to pursue anything relevant that would just allow me to experience, get involved, possibly go into policy/diplomacy, i don’t know. I just cant see a clear path.
However, more than intl relations, I am passionate about anthropology. I operate solely from an anthropological perspective and am incredibly interested in getting a masters from my university as my heart swells reading the course descriptions. I could get a joint MS/MS in Anthro and intl relations, but that just feels redundant and i'd be in the same position I am now in not knowing where to go or what to choose. But I just can't see myself solely getting a masters in anthropology and then getting a PhD, I feel id need some time in between to get more experience out in the world, do some international work, pursue other interests. It would just feel scary for me to go down a somewhat unstable path just to critically study the discipline I love the most. My overall “dream” job would be a paleoanthropologist/prehistoric archaeologist, pursuing some sort of research or fieldwork, or working at an institution and being a professor. I just don’t really know whats possible for me out there, what potential paths I could take, or just how/when I could actually do this. i would ideally like to research/excavate in the eastern hemisphere as I’m more interested in human origin rather than North American prehistory, so I don’t know if an American or International university would be best? The anthropology department at my university is extensive and well-developed as we are located in rich archaeological areas of North American activity, but I really don’t see myself staying here for a PhD, though I would definitely get a masters. Again, if anyone knows anything about such a profession and has some insight, I would appreciate it.
Basically I am just a clueless undergrad who doesn’t know much about careers in the fields I am interested in or the best path to follow to maximize my interests and life experience. I’ve asked my professors who tell me to look online, like on AAA but I think reddit just always has so much more insight. If anyone is in any fields, knows anyone, or has any knowledge on careers/university programs regarding intl affairs, intl law, intl journalism, law in general, or paths in anthropology phd’s/professor positions/prehistoric archaeological endeavors, please let me know :’)

Hi, I have a broad range of interests and am highly keen on pursuing many of them. I really need help in picking a path and discipline for a career, and really just need insight on what’s potentially out there for me. I am currently an undergraduate rising senior and am working towards degrees in both international affairs and anthropology. For the past year I’ve been set on law school for stability/money (I want kids but won’t have them unless I’m well-off) and I think I’d do well, my father is a lawyer and we both are logically inclined and naturally debate often as we have very different perspectives but respect the others’. Recently he’s taken to making me prove every statement so that he can accept them but generally I hold my own and navigate oral conversational analysis well. He’s always told me to just take the LSAT and see how I do because he thinks I’d be really fit for law school. I can see myself being a lawyer and think its somewhat up my alley but I’m just not passionate about the law or constitution or anything else other pre-law students seem to revere. I currently intern in one of the deans offices of the law school at my university and have really gotten to see what it all entails, how everything works both for the students and behind the scenes and think it would work for me. I was helping with exam scheduling and saw the course titles, looked at some of their coursework documents and was interested, particularly those in international law, as an IA major. The extracurriculars just aren’t what I’m passionate about but I could see myself enjoying the experience. Though, with law school, I am tempted to venture out and apply around the country as I want to spend my twenties in a city or stimulating environment. I don’t plan on staying or settling in my state nor practicing law here, though I guess I could and build myself up for a while, I just dream of doing so in New York or California if possible.
In terms of careers I’m passionate about, I’ve really enjoyed my courses in international relations and am very interested in learning more about everything that's just only been barely introduced to me. I would love a really comprehensive understanding of global politics within historical context, and have been researching masters programs, but honestly really just love the one my current university has. There’s also a joint JD/MS in international affairs at my university that really interests me, but I don't know the specific careers relevant to this that I could pursue. I think if I opted to go to law school, I would definitely factor in which schools have such programs in applying, and would probably just stay where I am because it seems most feasible for me, and I think i'd be ok with that? The networking is good in my city because I’m in my state’s capitol, but it’s all in very domestic realms. I just want to be where I am exposed to the most opportunity. I think I'd be most interested in criminal law, and international law naturally sounds good to me, though I'm not entirely sure what it is; it seems very broad and economic.
I just had an interview for a writing internship with the state department and it seemed like a super cool way to network into international careers in general but also international writing, as I am also passionate about writing nonfiction, essays, memoirs, etc- pieces where I can express a subjective perspective within context and generate meaningful impact. I like to submit to local literary magazines in my free time. I’m inspired by types like Joan Didion and would love to pursue a similar lifestyle. That’s just kind of a distant dream though. But with intl affairs, I’d also like to pursue anything relevant that would just allow me to experience, get involved, possibly go into policy/diplomacy, i don’t know. I just cant see a clear path.
However, more than intl relations, I am passionate about anthropology. I operate solely from an anthropological perspective and am incredibly interested in getting a masters from my university as my heart swells reading the course descriptions. I could get a joint MS/MS in Anthro and intl relations, but that just feels redundant and i'd be in the same position I am now in not knowing where to go or what to choose. But I just can't see myself solely getting a masters in anthropology and then getting a PhD, I feel id need some time in between to get more experience out in the world, do some international work, pursue other interests. It would just feel scary for me to go down a somewhat unstable path just to critically study the discipline I love the most. My overall “dream” job would be a paleoanthropologist/prehistoric archaeologist, pursuing some sort of research or fieldwork, or working at an institution and being a professor. I just don’t really know whats possible for me out there, what potential paths I could take, or just how/when I could actually do this. i would ideally like to research/excavate in the eastern hemisphere as I’m more interested in human origin rather than North American prehistory, so I don’t know if an American or International university would be best? The anthropology department at my university is extensive and well-developed as we are located in rich archaeological areas of North American activity, but I really don’t see myself staying here for a PhD, though I would definitely get a masters. Again, if anyone knows anything about such a profession and has some insight, I would appreciate it.
Basically I am just a clueless undergrad who doesn’t know much about careers in the fields I am interested in or the best path to follow to maximize my interests and life experience. I’ve asked my professors who tell me to look online, like on AAA but I think reddit just always has so much more insight. If anyone is in any fields, knows anyone, or has any knowledge on careers/university programs regarding intl affairs, intl law, intl journalism, law in general, or paths in anthropology phd’s/professor positions/prehistoric archaeological endeavors, please let me know :’)

I love horror..just don’t really jam with his writing style.His ideas are cool on the surface but that’s about it for me.I tried, The Shining and I just couldn’t make it all the way through…I understand racial issues during plot,but I just feel like he got a bit carried away with the language.The Institute,Fairy Tale,Eyes of the Dragon,and Later were okay,but just not too into them.He’s got so many books my friend says I should at least give him another try before I give up.My favorite horror authors are Clive Barker,Ray Bradbury,Christopher Buehlman,Robert McCammon,Poe,and Lovecraft if that helps.I also love books like The Haunting of Hill House,Psycho,and Dracula

I've been meaning to make this post for a while but life kept getting in the way.
There is a bunch of new (well, new to me) stuff I've discovered over the last few weeks, and wanted to share my thoughts with you.
Let's start with the "prequel" (although never canonically confirmed) to the Marathon series was a game called Pathways to Darkness. The backstory for this game is:

Sixty-four million years ago, a large extra-terrestrial object struck the Earth in what would later be called the Yucatan Peninsula, in south eastern Mexico. The dust and rock thrown up by the resulting explosion caused enormous climactic changes in the ensuing years, and many of the Earth's species became extinct during the long winter that followed.
The object itself was buried thousands of feet below ground, its nearly two kilometer length remarkably intact. It remained there, motionless, for thousands of years before it finally began to stir-- and to dream.

Hmm. Buried below ground. Finally beginning to stir and dream. Who does that sound like?
Let's keep going.

The heat of impact liquefied the rock around it, which later cooled and encased the dead god's huge body far below ground. As it began to dream, it wrought unintentional changes in its environment. Locked deep beneath the Earth, strange and unbelievable things faded in and out of reality. Vast caverns and landscapes bubbled to life within the rock, populated by horrible manifestations of the dead god's dream.

As it began to dream, it wrought unintentional changes in its environment.. Locked deep beneath the Earth, strange and unbelievable things faded in and out of reality.
Like Fingerrats? Or like Spider-wolves?

Vast caverns and landscapes bubbled to life within the rock, populated by horrible manifestations of the dead god's dream.

Caverns and landscapes. I want to expand this point here for a bit because it's also mirrored across Alagaesia.
Let's start with Helgrind.
For any FV enjoyers, I've previously speculated that Helgrind is a reliquary, or a previously living being that was transformed (a la Ctein).
But the curious thing here is the timeline of Helgrind and it's tunnel system, taken with the above context.

Q: Assuming it wasn't built by the Ra'zac themselves, was the lair inside Helgrind purpose-built for the Ra'zac and Lethrblaka, or did they appropriate it some time after it was built? If it wasn't built for them, what was its original purpose?
A: Partially natural formations (linked to tunnels elsewhere in Alagaësia), partly expanded by the priests of Helgrind and Galbatorix himself.

But... The Ra'Zac didn't inhabit Helgrind until at least after the Humans came over. So these tunnels underneath Helgrind existed before the Ra'Zac, or Galbatorix ever set foot on Alagaesia. Which, I don't know about you, but a massive network of tunnels does not smell entirely natural to me.
So.. where else are there "natural" formations that link to other tunnels elsewhere in Alagaesia?
We've seen these "natural" formations in Vroengard:

Q: The deeps under Vroengard, were they created by the riders or was it a previous system of caverns that they repurposed?
A: Previous system. I mean, there's been work done on them, but... 'It looks similar, parts of it feel similar to the caverns that we encountered in this book. They both have that hole in the cave which goes deeper, with something in the hole that's not clearly defined.' Yeah.

And we've seen similar depictions in the Beors, and Nal Gorgoth. So from the Beors to Vroengard, "natural" tunnels exist underground. I don't buy that they are entirely natural.
Given the context of the Marathon game above:

Vast caverns and landscapes bubbled to life within the rock, populated by horrible manifestations of the dead god's dream.

I think these tunnels came from Azlagur.
Let's switch gears here, I want to talk about another archaeological mystery in the world of Eragon - El-Harim.
I believe El-Harim was heavily influenced by the (not canon confirmed, but implied) prequel to the Marathon games, the Pathways into Darkness

Pathways casts the player as a member of a US Army Special Forces team sent on a mission to the Yucatán Peninsula. On May 5, 1994, a diplomat from the alien race known as the Jjaro appeared to the President of the United States and informed him that on May 13, an ancient godlike being sleeping beneath a pyramid would awaken and destroy the Earth. The only way to prevent this catastrophe is to prevent the god from awakening. The eight-man Special Forces team carries a nuclear weapon, with the goal of entering the ancient pyramid, descending to the bottom level where the god sleeps, and activating the bomb to stun the god and bury it under tons of rock.

Getting into a bit more of the backstory:

Only during the last few centuries has the god begun to effect changes on the surface of the Earth. Grotesque creatures have been sighted deep in the trackless forest of the Yucatan, and strange rumors of an ancient pyramid-- which is neither Aztec nor Mayan-- in the same area have been circulating in the archaeological community since the early 1930's.

Pyramid, eh? There are two different options here I can think of that equate.
The extended FWW Map
First, in the extended map from FWW, we can see a Pyramid-esque shape - Different color, different slope, etc.
Or, second (and probably more likely), it could be El-Harim:

It is a very bad place. It’s a place where some bad things happened at one point and it’s not a good place to go walking around. I don’t want to get into it too much more because again, it’s a good possibility for another story and I want to keep thinking about it a bit more. It is in Alagaesia and we’ve actually been close to the location.

Many speculate that the below vision from Eragon in Brisingr, which was never explained in the main cycle, is of El-Harim:

And he rested, and visions beset him of a circular stone city that stood in the center of an endless plain and of a small girl who wandered among the narrow, winding alleys within and who sang a haunting melody (A Feast with Friends, Brisingr).

If this vision IS El-Harim , it's super significant because of these two descriptors:

circular stone city
narrow, winding alleys

Fractals. The city itself is a fractal, like Nidus for any FV enjoyers.
The narrow winding alleys are significant because of the descriptors of the Vanished/Grey folk:

The spaces between the structures were narrower than the humans preferred; the proportions were taller, thinner, which matched the images she had seed of the Vanished...
The ancient outline of the city was - as she suspected - a fractal, and the shape of it contained meaning.... At the nexus of the apttern, where it coiled in on itslef like a nautilus shell" (Shards, TSIASOS).

Narrow. Circular (Nautilus shell). Winding. Fractal.
Whatever this city is, El-Harim or otherwise, it is/was a grey folk/vanished city.
And given the quotes from above - "Its a place where some bad things happened at one point", and "dangerous, creeping, ancient, evil thing" - My guess is that the event that caused the Grey Folk to bind the AL to magic happened here, in El-Harim.
Alright, moving along.
Let's talk about the Az and the God. There are a few parallels I've talked around, but the BIG link between the two are Dreams. This is especially important because of the release of the world map recently.

We are the devotees of Azlagur, the Devourer. Azlagur the Firstborn. Azlagur the Dreamer. He who sleeps and whose sleeping mind weaves the warp and weft of the waking world. But the sleep grows restless" (Obliteration, Murtagh).

Versus

As it began to dream, it wrought unintentional changes in its environment. Locked deep beneath the Earth, strange and unbelievable things faded in and out of reality. Vast caverns and landscapes bubbled to life within the rock, populated by horrible manifestations of the dead god's dream.

I could write a whole post about the parallels between the two and their linkage to dreams, but I'll cut it short here for now to save room to dig in to other areas. Specifically, the Dreams connection is especially important because of the relase of the world map recently - I have another post here that gets into more detail, but the translations from the World Map in the middle translate to:

where dreams and dragons dwell

Dreams (!) and Dragons.
Combine that with the Etymology of the words:

Alagaësia ala = land gaësia = rich/fertile
Alalëa ala = land lëa = a beautiful dream
Elëa = the dream itself

So the planet, named Elea, translates to "The Dream Itself". Very interesting.
This is even more significant when you take into account this tweet chain from Chris, a bit earlier in March

Darn it. Just invented a name in the ancient language. Googled it to make sure no one else had used it ... only to discover that I had used it in an earlier book. Lol.
Can we ask what name?
Edurna

I believe the name was a potential candidate for the name of the planet of Alagaesia, which is important because of the etymology of THAT name (All credit to Zora for digging this one up).

Edurna sounds awfully like Adurna and Edur
Adurna meaning water and Edur being a prominence

Prominence. And Water. You know what that sounds like to me? Plaintive Verge. Just food for thought.
Second-to-last Az connection I want to cover: Hunger.

Whirling darkness swallowed him, and at the center of it... lay a formless horror - ancient and evil and from which emanated a constant merciless hunger (Dreams and Portents).

Versus a quote about the cosmic entity in Marathon:

Now I fear what that weapon has unleashed will destroy us. I once boasted to be able to count the atoms in a cloud, to understand them all, predict them, and so did I predict you, but this new chaos is entirely terrible, mindless, obeying rules that I don't comprehend. And it is hungry.

Now, the last piece of Azlagur-related lore I want to cover here is the "Black Sun".
In all of the visions, a Black Sun precipitates Azlagur's rise.

"A black sun rimmed by black flame hung against a darkling sky... The beast rose rampant against the black sun - A wingless dragon, apocalyptic in size, terrifying in presence. Destroyer of hope, eater of light"

Before getting into the Black Sun a bit more, there's an additional connection here I want to touch on - usage of the word rampant in connection with Azlagur.

In Marathon, Rampancy is the enhanced self-awareness of a computer AI, causing a progression towards greater mental abilities and destructive impulses. The destructive impulses, however, are primarily caused by being threatened or harassed. There are three main stages, as well as a fourth and final stage that is rarely achieved, to rampancy, named by the primary attitude of the AI during those times: Melancholia, Anger, Jealousy, and Meta-Stability.

There are some overlaps with what we see from the Maw.
And Melancholia.. that's an interesting word. Especially when taken into context the meaning of the name:

A melancholy dream of great beauty.

Melancholy.. Dream... The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. And Rampant...
Chris also uses that exact same verbiage when discussing a deleted scene from TSIASOS:

Q: I just finished reading To Sleep in a Sea of Stars and I have to know: it sounds like the Wranaui fought the corrupted during the Sundering but if that's true and it happened almost 300 years prior.... Who created the old corrupted? I've been questioning this for days!
A: That was actually in material cut by editors (some of the dream memories). Another Seed/Idealis was damaged and, when the Old Ones tried to separate it from its host, the xeno went rampant.

The xeno went rampant. Very interesting.
Alrighty, I keep getting distracted, back to the black sun.
The reason the Black Sun is important is because it always precipitates Azlagur's rise, throughout several of Murtahgh's visions. In each of them, there is a Black sun.
So, by this, we can extrapolate that the sun needs to be Black in order for Azlagur to rise (which is hinted at at the "Day of Black Sun" celebrations near the end of the book).
But... what does it actually mean?
There is a parallel in Marathon, their weapon:

The trih xeem (also "tri xeem") is an extremely powerful weapon that can be used to force a star into early nova... it was originally conceived and built by the Jjaro [The Old Ones/Vanished equivalent]. Much of the Marathon Infinity story revolves around preventing the Pfhor from using the tri xeem and inadvertently releasing a W'rkncacnter that is supposedly trapped within the Lh'owon sun.

So, the story of the last Marathon games revolves around preventing the usage of the weapon to release the cosmic-level baddie trapped in the sun. So, effectively, the antagonist is imprisoned by the sun.
But.. how does that translate to Azlagur and Murtagh?
The Black Sun requirement for Azlagur's rise could be construed as "imprisonment" by the sun; Azlagur cannot escape until the sun is turned Black. But it only really starts to come together when you piece together these pictures.
First, early concept art for the Fractalverse
You see the black orb, heading directly for the glowing star? Sounds pretty similar.
But that's not the smoking gun; look at the depiction of the black orb in the concept art, and compare it to the trih xeem, the weapon in Marathon.
A black orb with a trail heading directly for the sun. Almost an exact match.
OK.. so I get that it has some relevence in fractalverse, but how does it translate to Eragon?
Well, because of the Beors. Specifically, a picture CHRIS HIMSELF posted about the Beors.
Here
I propose that THIS black orb, at the top of the Beors (which, suspiciously, no one has traveled to) houses the black weapon. After all, the depiction is quite similar - A large, circular, black orb. Looks pretty similar to the other pictures.
And given the above context that Azlagur can only rise with a "Black Sun", the pieces all start to fit together. It's not perfect, but there are definitely a lot of overlaps.
Alright. I've been waiting for this one. The last piece. Let's talk about Angela.
Q: Will we get Angela lore? I feel like she could have killed Galbatorix and just didn't feel like it.
A: For those who don't know Angela is based on my sister Angela, because she breaks the fourth wall to a degree she has. Not only does she have plot armor, she knows she's in a story and can break the story itself. So, yes, she could have killed Galbatorix, but that would have made for a very bad story. That said, I do have an entire book planned around Angela, and it's very high on my list of books to write because it takes place before some of these other big stories I want to write. And that's also the difficult thing. I have my big storylines, and then I have a couple of one off side books I want to write, and it's just a question of time, energy and effort.
She knows she's in a story, and she can break the story.
Based on that, and several other descriptions I will get into in a bit, I think her story is directly related to the Marathon Infinity game.

Marathon Infinity begins as the Pfhor destroy Lh'owon using a Jjaro-derived doomsday weapon known as the Trih Xeem or "early nova". Unfortunately, the weapon also releases a powerful chaotic being: The W’rkncacnter, which threatens to destroy the entire galaxy. Because of the W’rkncacnter's chaos or by means of some Jjaro tech of his own, the player is transported back and forward in time, finding himself jumping between timelines and fighting for various sides in a desperate attempt to prevent the chaotic being's release.

and

In Marathon Infinity, a W'rkncacnter is imprisoned in the sun of planet Lh'owon. It is theorized by some that the W'rkncacnter's powerfully chaotic nature may be responsible for the jumps between realities seen in the game. When the Pfhor use a trih xeem device to send the star into early nova, the creature is released, to the horror and destruction of the Pfhor.

Angela is the Eragon-equivalent of the player.
She can transport back and forward in time, jumping between timelines, and fighting to prevent the chaotic being's (Azlagur's) release. Let's dive in.
First:

Q: Is it canon that Angela the Herbalist is a Time Lord and did she make a cameo in To Sleep in a Sea of Stars?
A: Is Angela the Herbalist is a Time Lord? That would be copyright infringement, so I'm going to say "no comment", but she is in To Sleep in a Sea of Stars. And there is a canon reason for this. And you should have no problem spotting who she is in that book.

So there's a canon reason she's in the book. Interesting. When you take that into context with the next bit

Q: On your last AMA on reddit, someone asked if any fan had guessed the identity and history of Angela correctly. You said nobody has guessed correctly and there's not enough information in the books to do so. That puts every fan theory out there on her wrong, correct? She's not the soothsayer, a time lord, grey folk, etc, correct?
A: Angela: Some of the fan theories have gotten parts of her history and identity correct. However, there's a HUGE aspect to her nature that no one has guessed (or least, not in a non-joking way). And no, I don't mean her being a Time Lord.

So there's a huge aspect to her nature that no one has guessed (at least at the time of writing). She's self-aware, knows she's in a story, and can jump around in time. And, similar to the Marathon games, it appears like only she knows that she's in a story.
So, based on the Marathon inspiration, we can guess that she is trying to accomplish the same thing - To prevent the release of the cosmic-level villain. We know that she has some kind of relationship with the Draumar:

In Murtagh, it’s revealed that Bachel and “Uluthrek” (Mooneater, Angela’s given Urgal name) met with Bachel explicitly going out to confront her (a courtesy not even offered to a Rider like Murtagh)

So, by extension, she has some kind of connection to Azlagur. This is supported by other circumstantial evidence in FWW as well:

Since we know that the Dream Well in Mani's Caves is similar to the Well in Nal Gorgoth I can assume that Angela is revealing the existence of the Draumar to Elva there? I feel certainly feel as if you're setting up her for something in the future series.
Heh. Good Catch.

So, she is clearly working with Elva to do something related to the Dream Wells, and she also previously confronted Bachel, many years ago. So throughout multiple years across the WoE, she is connected to Azlagur and the Draumar; her story clearly revolves around them/Azlagur, somehow.
Putting the above pieces together, my guess is that she is jumping around in different timelines, trying to manipulate actions of the past to prevent the rise of Azlagur. Just like the player character in Marathon. There's another piece of circumstantial evidence to support this assertion as well.
In Marathon Infinity:

After multiple "jumps," the player (seemingly the only one who realizes he is being transported between possible realities)

Versus Angela:

As hours passed, the stars turned above, night chill drew the heat from my body, and I fell into a curious trance, not asleep but not fully awake... The world altered" (On the Nature of Stars, FWW).

I believe this world "Altering" was the first time she experienced an alternate timeline, without knowing what it was at the time.
We've also seen her create "Doorways" as well - Although it's not clear if this is fast traveling (a la a Torque Gate), or truly opening a path to another timeline.
In Eldest:

"As they landed, he noticed a patch of white on a small hill nearby. The patch wavered strangely in the dark, like a floating candle, then resolved into Angela, who was wearing a pale wool tunic" (A Sorceress, a Snake, and a Scroll).

and then later, more concretely:

"I traced a line on the wall, reached out, and opened a door that wasn't there. ON the other side - nighttime, a beach by a black ocean lit only by stars, so many, many stars, more than there should be. Of course, I would not take Elva to my home, not yet. But this was a waypoint, a place to build and learn and grow... She stared into the gap, the impossible portal" (On the Nature of Stars, FWW).

Still, as always with Angela, so many questions.
Alright, we've reached an ungodly wordcount, so I'll call it here. There are still more connections I'm uncovering between the two series (such as the potential connection between the Gedway Ignasia and the "warning" sensation from Marathon), so I might make a follow-up post in the future with everything else I uncover.
As always, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments, or if you've found any other connections between the two.

Kind of long, but any advice or input would be greatly appreciated :)
I (22F) have been working in fast food/ retail since I was 17 and I’m finally ready to take that leap to leave my current job and find one that will help advance my career and give me at least some financial stability. I also live in NorCal for context (not sure if I’d be willing to move quite yet.) I’ve been at my current retail job since 2021 and was honestly just going to stay there until I was completely finished with college but I just received my AA and the current management im under is so difficult to work with and extremely offensive I can barely take it not to mention I’ve been in management for about 2 years now and have gone from at least 20hr a week (part time) to less than 10hr a week, less than some associates and they’re all 3 hour shifts so I’m not even allowed to take a 10min break though im not even sure if that’s legal??
I am very fortunate to not have to pay rent as I live with my parents and I only have to worry about paying for my car, gas, phone, school, necessity’s etc. So no rent is a life saver in this economy. With that being said I don’t necessarily need the highest paying job quite yet (willing to work my way up or gain helpful experience) though that would be ideal for anyone. I just want to be able to find something that fits with my personality/ needs and also doesn’t care the way I look. I know sometimes you have to do what u gotta do but I cannot take working somewhere I’m miserable at and I understand that is a privilege within itself so I’m just trying to use the time I do have to really find what I’m passionate about and not be scared to try new things.
I still want to go back to school to get my bachelors degree since it’s always been a dream of mine, but since I pretty much pay for everything out of pocket besides some degree of financial aide, I don’t want to just aimlessly transfer somewhere with no clue on what to study which has been my issues for some time. I feel like my interest haven’t changed much and neither have my dreams to further my education so I’ve pretty much been saying the same things since probably before high school and I still have no clue what exactly the direction is I should go. I would love to gain some first hang experience to know if getting my B.A. is even worth it for the field I want to go into or what major would benefit me the best.
I have many interests and ideas as to what I could possibly do but I feel like as much as I say them out loud no one really relates so I always feel alone or like there’s no possible job for me that I’ll feel happy in. I mean I think majority of people would rather not work and focus their lives on their hobbies and passions but unfortunately that’s not in the cards for most people and though I sometimes live in that dreamland that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely dedicated, hard-working and really want to make a difference in whatever field I end up in. So I guess I’ll leave a list of the things I’m interested in, in case anybody has some advice or input on any occupations I’ve listed or have experience in anything I’ve listed.
I guess another thing to mention is that I was recently applying to a lot of jobs in childcare and pretty much every interview I went to turn me down on the spot because of my appearance. Of course I hear the stories of looking less professional due to your tattoos, piercings, etc., which I never understand. I don’t even have a single tattoo or piercing, not even my ears, but I have bright pink hair and that has been such a downside for the interviewing processes, even some retail jobs like Box Lunch for example doesn’t accept colored hair when they’re literally a pop culture store and share the same company as Hot Topic. I don’t want to have to change my appearance for a job. I know it’s just hair but I was never able to express myself the way I wanted to and the amount of money and maintenance that goes with having colored hair would not be worth it to me to color black just to get a job. It would feel like I’m altering myself and changing something that makes me feel good about myself is unfair and already puts a bad taste in my mouth about the company because they are willing to look over my qualifications and work ethic due to one minor detail in my appearance. One of these jobs I even had two on the phone interviews that went amazing and was going to my final in person interview and was literally meeting with a family for a behavioral technician job and the first thing they (the company) told me was I would need to change my hair to even be considered and I had to eventually politely end the interview because they still wanted to me to meet a kid despite straight up telling me they will not hire me if I didn’t immediately change my hair… and I’d be working with a family, not even in a ‘ public setting.’ I would just love to be able to work in a community that embraces people for their differences for the way they express themselves, and encourages self expression.
Anyways, here are some of my interests and I’d be eternally grateful to hear any feedback! Maybe you’ve worked in some of these environments and have advice or horror stories, if you have similar interests to me let me know what kind of job you have because I’m sure I don’t even know the formal titles to half of these jobs, or even have other ideas that match my interests. Thank you thank you thank you!

• A lost 22 year old just trying to find her way

TLDR: I have so many interests and have no idea where to go with my next steps in my career and schooling, and would love some advice based off of my interest and experience. My unnaturally colored hair gets me nowhere. My experience and interests are listed below.
My schooling/ experience so far: * 5 years of theatre under my belt (onstage/backstage/management) * Just graduated with my AA in Social & Behavioral Sciences (Random but was recommended to do so based on all of the same interest I told my counselor some odd years ago) * Most of my college classes were focused in sociology, psychology, and child development, which has been super interesting so I am willing to branch out from my interest because I did find a lot of interest in the classes I’ve taken previously. * Have worked in retail for four years; Pretty well received by people * A nanny to 4 kids (ages 4-16) for about 3.5 years as well
My personality: (not sure if this will help with knowing if I would be a good fit for any of the jobs listed )
i’m extremely bubbly and can have my extroverted moments, but I can also be introverted at times and when work needs to get done, I will figure out the best way to do it and get to work. I work pretty well with a team and always have ideas flowing and bouncing around, but I can also excel working on my own/have no issues being independent with my work. I don’t have a huge preference on a fast versus slow paced work environment. I would like something flexible, but I have no issue with getting into a routine. I feel like I am truly pretty flexible when it comes to my work environment, I just really want a place that I can express myself and be surrounded by a community of people similar to me. I love to be innovative and creative.
My interests/ ideas: (sorry kinda random and jumps around)

• always wanted to be a nanny or travel nanny; to work with one specific family and grow with them
• Pre-k - 1st grade teacher; I find teaching younger kids really fulfilling, love crafts/ activities/planning, extremely patient
• Art teacher (i love ceramics, but pretty much any type of art would be so cool to incorporate creativity with teaching)
• Child advocate (possibly on movie and tv sets)
• Teacher on movie and television sets
• Directing or any sort of behind the scenes job for movies and television (I love to write and create concepts, costuming, sets, music, casting)
• Set designer for movies, television, or theater
• Costume designer for movies, television, or theater
• Possibly work with an acting company backstage (I don’t even know if that’s a job but possibly a permanent backstage role somewhere)
• Open my own curated thrift shop or a shop in general that is really creative or theme oriented
• Have a small bakery business or just a business in general, I love the idea of being able to run a company or brand that’s inclusive and creative
• I do love to bake and Decorate desserts
• Creative Director; photographer, videographer; I just love the thought of creating things and bringing concepts together, planning, etc.
• Magazine company?
• Wedding planning/party and event planning; again, I just like bringing things together I feel like I have an eye for aesthetics
• Something with marketing or managing

As you can see, most of my interest have to do with childcare and the arts, which are some of the lowest paying jobs/difficult fields to get into, but it’s what I most passionate about and what I can actually see myself being happy doing for a long time. i’m also not opposed to working in one certain field for a while and then branching out to something different or related further down the line, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/fill, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/feeling useless.
Thank you so much to anyone who responds with advice and kind words :)

Kind of long, but any advice or input would be greatly appreciated :)
I (22F) have been working in fast food/ retail since I was 17 and I’m finally ready to take that leap to leave my current job and find one that will help advance my career and give me at least some financial stability. I also live in NorCal for context (not sure if I’d be willing to move quite yet.) I’ve been at my current retail job since 2021 and was honestly just going to stay there until I was completely finished with college but I just received my AA and the current management im under is so difficult to work with and extremely offensive I can barely take it not to mention I’ve been in management for about 2 years now and have gone from at least 20hr a week (part time) to less than 10hr a week, less than some associates and they’re all 3 hour shifts so I’m not even allowed to take a 10min break though im not even sure if that’s legal??
I am very fortunate to not have to pay rent as I live with my parents and I only have to worry about paying for my car, gas, phone, school, necessity’s etc. So no rent is a life saver in this economy. With that being said I don’t necessarily need the highest paying job quite yet (willing to work my way up or gain helpful experience) though that would be ideal for anyone. I just want to be able to find something that fits with my personality/ needs and also doesn’t care the way I look. I know sometimes you have to do what u gotta do but I cannot take working somewhere I’m miserable at and I understand that is a privilege within itself so I’m just trying to use the time I do have to really find what I’m passionate about and not be scared to try new things.
I still want to go back to school to get my bachelors degree since it’s always been a dream of mine, but since I pretty much pay for everything out of pocket besides some degree of financial aide, I don’t want to just aimlessly transfer somewhere with no clue on what to study which has been my issues for some time. I feel like my interest haven’t changed much and neither have my dreams to further my education so I’ve pretty much been saying the same things since probably before high school and I still have no clue what exactly the direction is I should go. I would love to gain some first hang experience to know if getting my B.A. is even worth it for the field I want to go into or what major would benefit me the best.
I have many interests and ideas as to what I could possibly do but I feel like as much as I say them out loud no one really relates so I always feel alone or like there’s no possible job for me that I’ll feel happy in. I mean I think majority of people would rather not work and focus their lives on their hobbies and passions but unfortunately that’s not in the cards for most people and though I sometimes live in that dreamland that doesn’t change the fact that I’m extremely dedicated, hard-working and really want to make a difference in whatever field I end up in. So I guess I’ll leave a list of the things I’m interested in, in case anybody has some advice or input on any occupations I’ve listed or have experience in anything I’ve listed.
I guess another thing to mention is that I was recently applying to a lot of jobs in childcare and pretty much every interview I went to turn me down on the spot because of my appearance. Of course I hear the stories of looking less professional due to your tattoos, piercings, etc., which I never understand. I don’t even have a single tattoo or piercing, not even my ears, but I have bright pink hair and that has been such a downside for the interviewing processes, even some retail jobs like Box Lunch for example doesn’t accept colored hair when they’re literally a pop culture store and share the same company as Hot Topic. I don’t want to have to change my appearance for a job. I know it’s just hair but I was never able to express myself the way I wanted to and the amount of money and maintenance that goes with having colored hair would not be worth it to me to color black just to get a job. It would feel like I’m altering myself and changing something that makes me feel good about myself is unfair and already puts a bad taste in my mouth about the company because they are willing to look over my qualifications and work ethic due to one minor detail in my appearance. One of these jobs I even had two on the phone interviews that went amazing and was going to my final in person interview and was literally meeting with a family for a behavioral technician job and the first thing they (the company) told me was I would need to change my hair to even be considered and I had to eventually politely end the interview because they still wanted to me to meet a kid despite straight up telling me they will not hire me if I didn’t immediately change my hair… and I’d be working with a family, not even in a ‘ public setting.’ I would just love to be able to work in a community that embraces people for their differences for the way they express themselves, and encourages self expression.
Anyways, here are some of my interests and I’d be eternally grateful to hear any feedback! Maybe you’ve worked in some of these environments and have advice or horror stories, if you have similar interests to me let me know what kind of job you have because I’m sure I don’t even know the formal titles to half of these jobs, or even have other ideas that match my interests. Thank you thank you thank you!

• A lost 22 year old just trying to find her way

TLDR: I have so many interests and have no idea where to go with my next steps in my career and schooling, and would love some advice based off of my interest and experience. My unnaturally colored hair gets me nowhere. My experience and interests are listed below.
My schooling/ experience so far: * 5 years of theatre under my belt (onstage/backstage/management) * Just graduated with my AA in Social & Behavioral Sciences (Random but was recommended to do so based on all of the same interest I told my counselor some odd years ago) * Most of my college classes were focused in sociology, psychology, and child development, which has been super interesting so I am willing to branch out from my interest because I did find a lot of interest in the classes I’ve taken previously. * Have worked in retail for four years; Pretty well received by people * A nanny to 4 kids (ages 4-16) for about 3.5 years as well
My personality: (not sure if this will help with knowing if I would be a good fit for any of the jobs listed )
i’m extremely bubbly and can have my extroverted moments, but I can also be introverted at times and when work needs to get done, I will figure out the best way to do it and get to work. I work pretty well with a team and always have ideas flowing and bouncing around, but I can also excel working on my own/have no issues being independent with my work. I don’t have a huge preference on a fast versus slow paced work environment. I would like something flexible, but I have no issue with getting into a routine. I feel like I am truly pretty flexible when it comes to my work environment, I just really want a place that I can express myself and be surrounded by a community of people similar to me. I love to be innovative and creative.
My interests/ ideas: (sorry kinda random and jumps around)

• always wanted to be a nanny or travel nanny; to work with one specific family and grow with them
• Pre-k - 1st grade teacher; I find teaching younger kids really fulfilling, love crafts/ activities/planning, extremely patient
• Art teacher (i love ceramics, but pretty much any type of art would be so cool to incorporate creativity with teaching)
• Child advocate (possibly on movie and tv sets)
• Teacher on movie and television sets
• Directing or any sort of behind the scenes job for movies and television (I love to write and create concepts, costuming, sets, music, casting)
• Set designer for movies, television, or theater
• Costume designer for movies, television, or theater
• Possibly work with an acting company backstage (I don’t even know if that’s a job but possibly a permanent backstage role somewhere)
• Open my own curated thrift shop or a shop in general that is really creative or theme oriented
• Have a small bakery business or just a business in general, I love the idea of being able to run a company or brand that’s inclusive and creative
• I do love to bake and Decorate desserts
• Creative Director; photographer, videographer; I just love the thought of creating things and bringing concepts together, planning, etc.
• Magazine company?
• Wedding planning/party and event planning; again, I just like bringing things together I feel like I have an eye for aesthetics
• Something with marketing or managing

As you can see, most of my interest have to do with childcare and the arts, which are some of the lowest paying jobs/difficult fields to get into, but it’s what I most passionate about and what I can actually see myself being happy doing for a long time. i’m also not opposed to working in one certain field for a while and then branching out to something different or related further down the line, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/fill, I just want to know what step I should take next so I’m not just floating around doing nothing and being/feeling useless.
Thank you so much to anyone who responds with advice and kind words :)

Hey guys back again :p I just feel very chatty and don’t want to disturb my friends or wake anyone up so figured might as well catch some night owls or early birds or afternoon whatever’s lol. So a bit about me: I’m a recent college grad so ask me about my majors. Currently looking for next steps in the process of transitioning to a career. Besides that I enjoy a lot of things like gaming, I love RPGs my favorite has to be persona 5. I also enjoy reading a lot of different things from horror to philosophy to clinical studies. Writing I also love but I mainly stick to poetry when I’m feeling some type of way and need to think through my emotions. I love the outdoors so hiking or boating are some of my favorite activities yes even when it’s hot outside. I was born and raised in Florida to give you some perspective. Just looking for any cool ppl wanting to chat hmu. SFW only!

Prev/On the Design of Human Ships/
"Just wait, how lon…" Zantol started to say as a firm click was heard as Pir-4 pressed the button. In the following moment the entire ship shuddered as all power was lost. Moments later a deep drone could be felt.
"That shouldn't have taken so long to start," Dave remarked as all the screens and consoles lit back up, as the drone to fade away. Looking around dozens of new indicator lights and alarms were screaming across the cockpit, "Well that might be it, uhh…" Dave looked to Zanthol who was shocked at what just happened, and Pir-4 now floating stilly above the radio consul, "Zanthol please tell me that this is normal and that Pir is alright"
Zanthol taking moments to understand what happened, what all the new lights are for, and moments wonder what just happened.
“Wha…, what was that."
"Well, uh, that, was the distress call," Pausing for a moment to point at Pir-4 and to mute the alarms, "will he be ok?"
"Probably, but it is impossible to know without looking in his head"
"Why aren't you concerned? I mean, he could have just died."
"Why would I, it's just a machine, and all the data can be recovered."
Taking a deep breath, Dave considered the words that he just heard, "Zanthol? How do you classify a being as sentient?"
"We have a system, how do you classify things as sentient? If I know what you would use, then it would be easier for me to explain."
"I don't necessarily see why this is important, but the way that we had done this is though test, like the Turing test, have a judge have a conversation with a known sentient being and the one being tested. Another is to test the being's creativity, or even just comparing how close to the human brain the being's brain is."
"Those are all good way to determine if a being is sentient, but the reason that Pir was created was to get one step closer to win a galactic history changing prize, and I shouldn't tell you this, but humanity will find out regardless. This prize is from an automated system from nearly a million years ago, it was to autonomously scout and lightly terraform planets for life as it knows, and through, probably a problem with the replication program, it became sapient and though many more years it came to where it is now. Just barely sentient, enough for it to want to be a part of the community, and so the machine tried, until it came to the conclusion that it wasn't sentient enough to fit in," Sighing Zanthol took a deep breath and pointed to Pir-4, "It stopped sharing the planets it has visited, demanding that we make it fully sentient, to the point of the average sentient being, like you and me. To do so it made a prize, bring it a artificial being of synthetic mind that it deems as sentient. it has been almost 43,323 years by your calendar since the start of the competition."
"So you don't consider Pir a sentient being because a machine doesn't. That doesn't make sense, just because it doesn't shouldn't mean that you don't. Humanity has had less time free to think of what makes you, you. Because I think and therefore I am, should suffice for treating other being as sentient…"
Dave was cut off by the radio cracking back to life, "YOU, we do░▓░k▒w what yo░▒id bu░ we will have your he▒▓!" Just as abruptly it started it cut back out.
"They sound mad, as much as I would like to continue to argue, there are more concerning matters at the moment," Dave said as he took hold of the control sticks, with a lurch the ship once again started to move, "Since I don't like the silence I'll explain some things to you, this left stick moves the ship in x,y,z movement, or front, back, up, down, left, and right. The right stick adjusts the rotation," Dave gives both of the sticks a wiggle, causing the whole ship to shudder.
Zanthol, pulled Pir-4's helmet off, he started to check what happened to Pir-4. Looking to Dave again he sees him reach out slips on large gloves over his atmo-suit's gloves, once these are properly around his already gloved hands they constrict around them to now sit tightly around his hands. Then with a simple his the compartment filled with a thin fog, curiously Zanthol asked, "Is something wrong, and what's with the fog?"
"Take a look out the view screen, were getting close to your ship, but its getting hard to tell the distance without looking at the readout. So to get around that this ship uses a suite of holograms that are constructed by little low power lasers, and theses holograms use the cameras and computers to make a three dimensional representation of the environment."
"So why the haze?"
"It's so the lasers can be seen." as Dave talked, holograms of Zanthol's ship the Prospector's Pick, Helum station, and the various pirate vessels, leaving all that can't be seen by the cameras are blank. Reaching out with his gloved hands Dave grabbed the holograms of the Prospector's Pick and Zanthol's ship, strangely his hands didn't just pass through the holograms. Already anticipating the coming question Dave said, "The gloves that I just put on have a pneumatic force feed back system, strong enough to resist my movements, but not so much it can hurt me. If I move my hand though any of them it will respond as if it were an object floating in space that I just smacked. The system will interpret how the I move the holograms and do its best to replicate it in real life," Dave said, as he pushed the Prospector's Pick closer to Zanthol's ship. Zanthol could feel the ship accelerate toward his ship, "So, this makes it more intuitive for a human to operate this ship."
"Ok, so what are you doing now, are you going to get us out of here?"
"Well you said that, one all of Pir's spare parts are on your ship and that you have very classified things on it. Wouldn't it be a good idea to get it all before running?"
*Beep*
Looking at the consul a gauge was flashing.
"What's that?"
"That would be a temperate gauge, and uh it says that the hull is heating up. That shouldn't be happening,"
Thinking back Zanthol remembered how the pirates breached the air-lock realized what was causing the heating, "Dave, I think it maybe the pirates, to cut open the station like that," he points at the air-lock, "to cut through it as quickly as they did, they would have to have a weapons grade laser. We probably have only a minute before it starts cutting through the hull if you can keep them from focusing on the same spot."
"Ok, that shouldn't be too hard to mitigate," with a simple twist of the wrist Dave put the ship into a gentle spin, "That should do for now. Where is a good spot for a tow cable to be put on your ship?"
"I can already feel the rising temperature rising, and it's only getting faster. If you can't do anything about it then we're probably dead."
The gauge, now entering the red, "I hear you, and I'll handle this," Dave replied turning his ship to face the pirates, "Do you know why Tungsten Carbide is such a good marital for machine tools?"
Starting to send the ship into the pirates, "It's because it harder then almost all other mettles, and do you know where the largest single piece of Tungsten Carbide is? Well, its on this ship, initially meant to skewer asteroids, but we'll see how good it is at skewering ships, and it better be, or else," sighing, Dave continued, "We're probably dead."
"That sounds insane, but probably the only thing that we can do, and even then, there are still three other in the fleet."
Suddenly, static filed the coms gradually coming clearer until a human voice could be heard, "Prospector's Pick, hold tight, help is on the way, this is the Barnard's star Battle group B3, ETA 3 minutes. just hold tight, help is on the way."
By this moment Dave's ship was careening toward the pirates, the temperature sky rocketing. The ship struggling to cool it self with the radiators turning a dull red with the heat their absorbing, struggling to dissipate the building heat.
With a, shearing, screeching, screaming, sound the spike tore into the pirate ship.
"Woooooooooooooowoh!! HELL YEAH! That will never get old no mater what the target is." Dave said with a brimming smile. "Now its getting hot in here, so I'll also show you how we cool our ships in emergencies." pressing a combination of buttons on the the consul, a hiss of cool air filled the cockpit. The hologram also showed the radiators unlatch and start floating away from the ship.
"Dave why are you jettisoning the radiators, they're needed to cool the ship."
"Yes, but that's part of the design that someone else made, and was much smarter then I am. Its going to be replaced with spares."
One of the rows of boxes moved to the place that the radiators once were, and proceeded to unfold and turn into new radiators, with this the temperature gauge visibly and quickly dropped back down to it's regular position, and the new radiators already starting to show their thermal saturation. Then the screens flashed a notification…
Incoming warp detected.
~
This started to become more disconnected and scattered toward the end, but I was just having a hard time finding a way to connect it all. I also wanted to make each chapter a bit longer, so that's why this took so long, and in all fairness I don't think I'll be writing them to be so long its just not what I'm good with.
It has almost been half a year since I randomly thought of the idea for this at a new years party, anyways here's a fun fact, I am horrible at coming up with names, so to mitigate this I have turned to use the Periotic table and names of chemicals (and/or overly common names). The most obvious of them are Dave's last name Coper most clearly a slight mis spelling of Copper, Helum Station is just a variation of Helium, (spoiler regarding Pir-4)and Pir is a mis spelled abbreviation of Periotic and 4 corresponds to Beryllium the main component in his computers and meant to reference how hard for the researchers to make a body compatible with a inorganic brain, and to my knowledge Beryllium is wildly deadly and destructive to carbon based organic chemistry.

A weird brain dump.
I had it. The test was dumb but I was just... Writing? I will not set it up again, maybe if I threat it like a bug report for reddit, but I won't work for free, so fuck you reddit
I think I figured it out, I appeal to the girls that want to be in a relationship. Test prompt 1 on no-lychee - first let's that the text to a safe location, fuck you reddit. I triggered it unintentionally but it worked wonderfully hahaha, I'll just try to not have a draft in front of me, as I usually do, it should work since this is a brain dump, but fuck you reddit, I also love you. I have a couple of interesting NFSW related questions:

• why do we need sex researchers, I know we do, just want to answer why. I think I like the idea of aellaGirl I made up in my mind, and she seems to have a cool job and is bringing it to data approach in the internet, I love it. This is a question for next time, tho
• why do bots (that don't reply) post to NSFW subreddits?
• why do people steal stories from other people to post on NSFW subreddits, I may have to make someone cum to get the answer

PSA #1: u/pep-- is going to post a weekend live thread for the weekend, we think the weekend definitely deserves it. He just needs to finish his homework first.
PSA #2: We now have a new fancy very very blue RAUM flair. I know some of you are sporting an improvised RAUM flair so now you can grab a real one. Apologies, should have done this way earlier.

I'm gonna keep this one short, I'm gonna keep this one short, I'm gonna...

Helllllooooooo bbs, I'd like to announce that THE WINTER IS OVER, the sun is out, we are getting new sunglasses because we lost all of them at parties last year (no? just me? goddamn berghain took like 3 pairs, alongside my dignity), we are showing skin, sweating balls, getting hornier again, annnd.... Entering festival season, so let's talk about that.
This weekend we have three festival contenders:
Awakenings Upclose (timetable)
Big, big up to Awakenings programming/booking and marketing team. Awakenings until now felt like a festival to avoid, but somehow, Upclose seems to be the place to be. Everyone I know and their mother will be there, including me, but not my mother. She's coming to Lofi for Die Rakete in two weeks, but that's another story.
My plan for Awakenings is:

• a low dose of acid
  • haha for legal purposes I swear that was a joke
• turn off my phone
  • this I very much recommend
• Polar Inertia (Sat)
  • there's a chance you haven't heard about Polar Inertia (and your hardtechno friends definitely haven't), because it's one of those projects that are half-dormant, rare to catch, and you kinda have to know to know.
  • keywords are ambient, experimental, deep, elegant, I also hope for cold and creepy but that might be just me
  • they recently (ish) released a set with Monument, go get a taste
• Sandwell District (Sat)
  • Sparkles fangirling over Sandwell District - Exhibit A
  • Sparkles fangirling over Sandwell District - Exhibit B
  • more than a 20 year old label/group/act responsible for my currently favourite track ever that woke up from hibernation last year, and started releasing new stuff that I also love
  • also known as mainly Function and Regis, but other names floating around are Rrose, and Silent Servant... that one isn't floating around anymore, unfortunately 💔
• otherwise fuck around and find out
  • I mean walk around without expectations and see where I end up

Some other maybe noteworthy things in my opinion:

• check out the hard techno stages
  • Vera Grace is actually good , and so is Somniac One
  • I'd check out Rebekah and SNTS out of nostalgia, I like how they used to play and I have a tiny sliver of hope that they might bring some of that to Upclose, yes, but also, probably not, oh well
  • I wish I could say the same about 9x9 because they used to play awesome live acid (bitches love livesets), but I have zero hope they will pull that out again, oh well
• Colin Benders x Speedy J
  • two total legends from the NL, they are known to deliver ✨education✨
  • Colin is a joy to watch playing, also I think it's gonna be a hybrid / live (and bitches love livesets), because I have never seen Colin DJing ever - does he even know how to mix? I don't think you should know how to mix if you can just conjure tracks out of thin air and a big bunch of cables...
  • Speedy J
    • Speedy J with Colin Benders
  • They could theoretically play quite hard, both are very well capable of it, don't come crying if they do, also check out this set of Speedy's violent alias Public Energy at Unpolished 2020, because that's the education I'm talking about
    • I mean even Speedy J as Speedy J is violent
• CEM & MCMLXXXV
  • fun, banging, fun, cute

Lente Kabinet (lineup)
Not my thing, know like 2 and a half names on the lineup, someone hype something in the comments please I'm lost, it's not techno, ugh.
Draaimolen Island x Sustain-Release (timetable)
Looks cute, is sold out, please write thorough reviews in the afters, I'm curious with a slight tinge of FOMO 😇

You can also go check out the May Festival Monthly from u/Motionez to see their take on these.

Let's look into pre-parties on Friday now:
DINA, KI/KI & Nelly at Club RAUM
Sold out (tickets at the door though), but I need to fangirl here anyway, because fuck damn, this is RAUM finally bringing a lineup that finally really speaks to me, and it's not even about KI/KI for me, let me explain:

• I am still haunted by memories of what Nelly did to me at Ratherlost NYD, one person I don't want to publicly shame (I miss you u/bleepbloopbarbatruc, and btw I finally kinda learn to spell your username) said "Nelly is a warmup DJ, can't really imagine her in a different slot" - SO DAMN WRONG. She absolutely killed the preclosing slot with a a tense, organic/tribal, deep, terrifying set that just filled the air in the room with something. Yeah yeah, going that deep is not everyone's thing, but hey, house isn't either, blabla.
• I haven't heard DINA play in person yet but I did my research and I'm excited. She can definitely pull off a wormhole, but isn't afraid to step out of it as well and play something actually euphoric, or heavy hitting borderline tekno, and yeah, she just has 🔥range🔥 and definitely knows how to use it, I don't know who decided to book her there but THANK YOU.
• and of course, KI/KI. It's always a treat to get someone so big/popular, talented and good to play in an intimate venue, and on top of this, KI/KI and RAUM go way way wayyyyy back and you can just feel the love there.

See ya there bbs, all the other Friday events can go home. (Garage with Fever Dream might be cool in a signature-garage-weird way, and there's one other event that I avoid mentioning, and people always come after me with wHY DiDN't You MeNtiOn THaT OnE... so yeah, that one)

That's done, let's talk about afters:
Awakenings Upclose After Hours at Radion and Bret (RADION timetable, Bret so far unannounced)
Nice blend of the locals like Thoms Traxx and Hashashin and infamous Berliners like Function and Quelza in Radion, I mean, can't really go wrong there, can you. But yeah, not much else to say.
I would have absolutely loved if they did some non-standard stuff like one of the big hard techno names playing a surprise, unnanounced sunrise house set in Bret (can you please take a moment and imagine SNTS doing it), or do open decks w/ the Funk Assault babes and Beau Didier, Isaiah, and idk Flits and Hitam? Not gonna happen, but a girl can dream, right.
131bpm, Marie Malarie, Naone & Lola Edo at Club RAUM on Saturday
If you're done with techno for the day and want to go shake your ass, wave your spine and wiggle your elbows, this is the one. I really like Naone here, she recorded a set for Harmony Rec, a label I will always simp for, and generally I like her take on house, where she sometimes dives deeper than you would expect from a house set, and you can generally hear interesting sounds in her sets, which is not really a a thing in that... genre. It's like someone forced DJ MARIA. to play house. Did I just offend two artists with one sentence? Sorry dears, I love you both.
DJ Nobu, Cobahn, Nelly at PERRON on Saturday
I don't want to mention this one, but kinda can't not bc Nobu. Done.
Vibrant with Nur Jaber at Melkweg on Saturday
u/sinacuk slid into my DMs asking politely and nicely for a shoutout, so here it goes 💖

Hellooo! As Vibrant we have another event on the night of 18th of May with Nur Jaber, Bours?, and 7Circle. It will be at the OZ room of melkweg, with an intimate atmosphere and no phone policy. We are designing own lights once again with Kraft Und Licht as well. Also we are going to have art exhibitions.

I'll just add that I saw Nur Jaber closing Berghain once, and it sounded like forks in a high speed mixer while your aggressive neighbor is trying to kick your front door in. This was a compliment. Nur Jaber is cool, because she also does this.
Talismann b2b Makam all night long at Levenslang on Sunday
Rumor has it that if he plays without a shirt, it's Talismann, if with, then it's Makam. Playing a b2b with yourself all night long feels like a recipe for a personality disorder, or you already have to have one to come up with this idea. Jokes aside, Talismann is good, so is Makam, this is a cool, novel, and deranged idea, I can get behind this.
UNUSUAL at Radio Radio on Sunday
First party from a project of one cool person from the former DS team, doorsale only, unannounced lineup (released podcasts may or may not betray some of it though), they clearly trust their network, friends, and people-who-just-know to show up. Respectable, good luck, godspeed.
Slapfunk at Bret on Monday
If you STILL want to party the fourth day in the row, Slapfunk gotchu. Lineup TBA, but it's probably gonna be boom tsaa boom tsaa boom tsaa or papm papm papm pupururu. Ideal for your last remaning braincell to bounce around.

Unrelated to the weekly, but important - if you have been an active part of this sub also last summer / fall, and feel close to the other notorious shitposters here, slide into my DMs, I might have something for you.

That's all folks, I made a long one again.

i try to give everybody a chance because its the internet and im a mature adult with a pretty decent understanding of psychology.
when i say mentally ill, i dont mean anything offensive. thats just what they seem to be. they just go on and on and wont stop trying to antagonize you.
i know this is pretty common on the internet to encounter people who are unwell
but it gets really infuriating. for example earlier i just asked a simple question if anyone else gets relief when deleting a social media account they decided to overshare on. i was excited at the feeling of relief. that was it. pretty simple. ive had anxiety lately and it was just one little step in the right direction towards self care.
and i lost my cool because this kid would not stop harassing me. i told him to go away, he kept going and antagonizing. and i feel bad for losing my cool, at the same time sometimes people need to have bluntness to help them out in life.
anyways i notice it happens a lot online that people who are mentally ill start trolling trying to derive joy out of someones anger. but i really enjoy writing. im a naturally curious person and like to ask questions or just write get thoughts out. so its not something im going to stop doing. i like to know stuff. i like to gain knowledge or know personal stories for future reference or to reinforce what im trying to accomplish.
and honestly im just tired of it. its exhausting.
what do you do to deal with these exhausting types of people? do you just see it for what it is from the beginning and ignore it. do you try to give them a chance perhaps wondering if they have something serious going on and are just taking it out on their keyboards. do you report it and let the employees take care of it.

I just day dream about you. I can’t see you I’m not watching. I want to though. I miss you. I’m going to stream thiis summer I hope. Eeeek lol I’m chilling out bc I still just know how I feel. Idk. It’s weird. I’m okay I guess. I’d still run just to you if I could and I think I can. I crying now.. bc it’s just so sweet. 🥹 I care so much. <—— I could go off on those lines. lol
I’ve been talking to some guy that want to just come over and on my computer write the beats after I make the song. (Idk, everyone has their own ways… but I think I can work with whatever at the moment.). Which is cool like, opening my requests has been a good thing bc I’m smart enough to check people out u know..!.!.!.! I’ve had a lot of music talk w peeps hitting me up bc of our mutual friends and they haven’t seen me out before and I gotta go through the motions- asking 1,2,3 out of 25 mutual friends are they cool, are they a crackhead, do they have a home, are they black, jk but I’m pretty smart w it, I think I am anyway. But if there is one thing I’ve learned in the last year and a half it’s nothing is as easy as it seems it’s about to be. Bc if it was…
Anyway, I wish I was just next to you.. at some point… for a while.

Hi there ✌🏻
About me: I’m a tall boy at 6’3, I have blue eyes and dark blonde hair and wear glasses, I have lots of different hobbies like playing video games, watching one piece and rizzing you up. I’m big into documentaries and kind of a big film buff, I don’t really listen to music expect when I’m having a lil Friday evening drink so podcasts are my main thing. I’m full time employed as a Finance Manger. Im looking to buy a house at the moment but also in two minds about moving abroad as the Irish housing market is pretty horrific. I have a work in progress dad bod so if that’s a huge issue then no worries I just might not be your type physically.
Some small bullet point things… INTJ personality and Scorpio (if you’re into that thing) Introverted, not really a friends guy and don’t enjoy party’s and crowds except for work for some weird reason Ambitious and career orientated though would love to work for myself. Into someone mature and caring but also kind of a baddie lol
About you: looks wise I don’t really have a preference, someone cute and trendy, I for some reason like girls with pedicures and manicures, someone who’s driven, ambitious and got their own life going on. Also if you had a couple similar hobbies that would be neat so we can talk about stuff and get excited about the same stuff 🥰
Not to be too serious but I am looking for something real and long term, if that’s not what you’re into that’s totally cool we just won’t match I don’t think! Anyway yeah dm me with an intro and we can have a nice lil convo and find out all sorts about each other, idk what else to write here this is actually too long now sorry about that, thanks for reading and can’t wait to talk!

As the Playstation 3 surprisingly still has a very active playerbase (until last year, 2 million active users were registered on the PS3, which for me is surprising considering that it is a console that is almost 20 years old, here in Brazil it has even become an extremely cheap option for some people's "first console", which I think is kinda nice) I ended up being motivated to write this post which could perhaps be useful for people who have both consoles (PS3 and PS5) or have a PS3 and intend to keep the same PSN account when migrating to a new console.
​
PSOne Classics:
Few people know, but PS1 or PSP games that you purchased on PS3/PSP/PSVita consoles can be downloaded again for free on PS4 or PS5 after they are added to the classics catalog without the need for a subscription to Playstation Plus Premium/Deluxe, unfortunately not all games have this (I know the first Resident Evil doesn't have it) so a list of which games can be downloaded for free on PS4/PS5 would be very useful:
​

• Jumping Flash!
• Oddworld: Abe’s Oddysee
• Syphon Filter
• Toy Story 2: Buzz Lightyear To The Rescue!
• Wild Arms
• Ape Escape
• Hot Shots Golf
• I.Q. Intelligence Qube
• Worms World Party
• Worms Armageddon
• Alone in the Dark: The New Nightmare
• MediEvil
• Cool Boarders

​
PSP Free Upgrade Games:

• Blade Dancer
• Syphon Filter Dark Shadow
• Killzone Revolution
• Ape Escape On The Loose
• Ridge Racer Type 4
• Ape Escape Academy
• Ape Escape Academy 2
• Ape Escape: On the Loose
• MediEvil Resurrection

​
Last Update: 05/15/2024
There are several other PS1 and PSP games that probably have a free upgrade for the PS4 and PS5 but to be on the safe side I only included the ones that I confirmed that they have, if you know of any other games let me know and I will update the list over time.
​
PS3 ~ PS4 Cross-Buy Games:
In the past, some games had crossbuy between Playstation 3 and Playstation 4, in short, if you bought the PS4 version you got the PS3 version and vice versa, there are even reports from some people that some games offered on Playstation Plus Extra could be played on PS3 too, but I couldn't confirm this, below are all the games that have crossplay between PS3 and PS4:
​

• 99 Vidas (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• A Boy And His Blob (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Another World (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Back To Bed (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Badland: Game Of The Year Edition (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• BIT.TRIP Presents… Runner2: Future Legend of Rhythm Alien (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Cel Damage HD (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Cosmophony (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Counterspy (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Crimsonland (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Doki-Doki Universe (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Dragon Fantasy Book I (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Dragon Fin Soup (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• FEZ (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• flOw (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Flower (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Helldivers (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Hohokum (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Hotline Miami (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Hotline Miami 2: Wrong Number (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Jet Car Stunts (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Metal Slug 3 (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Mousecraft (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Nova-111 (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Oddworld: New ‘n’ Tasty (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• OlliOlli (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Pumped BMX+ (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Q*bert Rebooted (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Race the Sun (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Rainbow Skies (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Resogun (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Retro City Rampage DX (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Rogue Legacy (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Shovel Knight (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Sky Force Anniversary (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Sound Shapes (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Spelunky (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Star Wars Pinball (Must buy PS Vita or PS3 version of tables to get the PS4 version)
• Stealth Inc 2: A Game Of Clones (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Teslagrad (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• The BIT.TRIP
• The Bridge (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• The Swapper (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• The Swindle (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• The Treasures Of Montezuma 4 (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• The Unfinished Swan (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Thomas Was Alone (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Tiny Troopers Joint Ops (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Titan Attacks (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Ultratron (Also works with the PS Vita version)
• Zen Pinball 2 (Must buy PS Vita or PS3 version of tables to get the PS4 version)

​
Last Update: 15/15/2024
I hope this is useful to someone, I intend to update it more often, especially the part about PS1 and PSP games since I know there are several that are missing from the list.

parts list https://ca.pcpartpicker.com/list/Pq4LTY
Hey everyone, I'm building a new PC that will mostly be used for gaming, watching TV and YouTube, and some minor graphic design and animation. I've spent the last few months going part by part and combination by combination to choose my parts to build the best PC for my needs within my budget, 2300 CAD, and came up with this list with my reasoning for choosing these parts. ANY thoughts or recommendations on the overall build, price point, parts or my writing skills are welcome and appreciated, Thank you!
CPU-Ryzen 7800x3d- I picked this CPU because it seems to be the best for gaming and some productivity, came highly rated and i kept reading that it was the best gaming CPU. I also read that even though the 7900x3d should be better mix for gaming and productivity it somehow is worse at both.
CPU cooler-Thermalright Peerless Assassin 120 SE 66.17 CFM CPU Cooler- I picked this cooler because it was recommended as the best bang for your buck CPU cooler while still delivering on performance, which let me spend more money on other parts of the build.
Motherboard-Asus ROG STRIX B650E-F GAMING WIFI ATX AM5 Motherboard- The motherboard was honestly the part that took me the longest to decide on since there were just WAY too many options and WAY too many seemingly being prone to being lemons of having had issues that have since been fixed. Why i finally decided on this one though is that the issues it had, frying 7000 series CPUs, had reportedly been fixed so long as I flash the bios before installing my CPU, as well as that it meets all my needs in attempting to future proof my motherboard without dropping 400 or more CAD on it.
Memory-G.Skill Ripjaws S5 32 GB (2 x 16 GB) DDR5-6000 CL30 Memory- Once I finally understood how Ram worked and how EXPO worked I basically went with what was cheapest in those parameters, not much else to say about it.
Storage-Western Digital Black SN850X 2 TB M.2-2280 PCIe 4.0 X4 NVME Solid State Drive- Much like memory I don't have much to say about my choice of storage, Western digital seems like a good brand, I have a different one of their SSDs in my current PC, has about the same performance as similar performing SSDs while being cheaper in price.
GPU-4070 Super FE- I decided on the 4070 Super Fe for a few reasons, I heard Nvidia is better if I want to graphic design or animation as well as gaming, the 4070 super seems to be in the sweet spot for performance/price and I've read that the Fe retains it's value the best for when I want to upgrade.
Case-NZXT H6 Flow- I chose the H6 Flow because I liked the design, and I read that it was both easy to build in as well as being great for air cooling.
PSU-Corsair RM750- I'm stuck with this one because I already bought it when it was on a good sale, My reasoning for buying it though is that most importantly the wattage should be enough, and also because the RM series of Corsair power supplies seems to rank pretty high on most peoples tier lists of PSUs. Added bonus of being fully modular.

it’s ~11pm and I’d just gotten home from a trip (5.5hr megabus then train home to brooklyn). when i got to my door realized my keys were not easily accessible.
I knew my partner was home (they got home from work around 9ish) so I buzzed up instead of digging for my keys. When I arrived to my apartment door I knocked to be let in.
As soon as I got I got in the door my partner immediately started complaining that it was inconsiderate of me to buzz up and expect the door to be opened for me when I got up and that it was not cool (paraphrasing) etc etc
I was floored by this but as we’ve been recently going thru a lot with external life events gently reminded them of a previous discussion about trying to nag each other less. This didn’t work. They dug in more.
I don’t think this should require justification but for context I had a suitcase, backpack and overstuffed shopping bag and was trying to avoid putting either bag on the floor in order to go digging for keys.
I’m pretty upset not even with their annoyance about it bc yea who wants to be inconvenienced, but with them trying to say there’s some serious problem with me even doing it. it’s just that, a minor inconvenience and I don’t think its right to make other people feel bad for needing/asking for someone to do them a mildly annoying courtesy.
Again I just got home and was hoping we’d catch up. I tried to strike up other conversation and they brought it back to the issue again!!! Now I’m writing this because I’m honestly in shock and they refuse to see how ridiculous they’re being. But… AITAH??!
——————— EDIT: this context I guess may be relevant based on comments: - I was 100% certain (and ultimately correct) that my partner was not asleep bc we are night owls - I have a recent health diagnosis that is adding stress in the household (external factor I was trying to obliquely reference bc I didnt want anyone thinking I was using it for “points” ..Not feeling the best today but really thought this was petty even if I was 100%)
And more about us: - been together 12 years, married 3 - we’ve recently been identifying more of our personal lived experiences as possible neurodivergent/asd (them) and adhd (me) - both struggle w depression historically