Sex cerita family

from shame to grace

2014.04.07 08:29 clozgah from shame to grace

We are a recovery community only open to those seeking help. We found that recovery was possible when we sought support from others that struggled with the same addiction. We share our experience, strength, and hope as sex addicts, and the resources that helped us in our personal journeys. We've found that keeping the focus on the solution keeps the space safe for all of us. This is not a place to meet sex partners, nor is it group therapy. We highly encourage public discussion on the subreddit.
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2023.08.26 20:54 Confident_Car_6400 sexpositiveparent

sharing advice on raising a sex positive family in a very negative culture
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2014.06.23 14:22 Polyfamilies: Many Hearts, One Roof

For committed poly families, and the people who make them work, all under one roof! Our goal is to provide a place for people in loving, long-term, committed multiple-partner relationships to get advice and answers from other folks who have chosen a similar path in life.
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2024.06.09 15:20 Live-Needleworker-60 The Deer and the Dragon by Piper CJ rant review

I'm gonna be real: I hated this. There were interesting concepts, and had they been utilized differently and written by literally anyone else, it could've been an actual good book.
writing. The writing in The Deer and the Dragon is miles better than in The Night and its Moon. It's still not good, but it's better if that tells you anything. The first-person POV mixed with modern-day speak works so much better for Piper's capabilities. It was much easier to get through, but it was still a huge slog for me. Honestly, what are the editors at Bloom even doing? There were still way too many typos and sentences with missing words. Piper still misuses the word dredges after using it in THREE(+?) BOOKS. HOW DO YOU STILL NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DREDGES AND DREGS? Dregs are the sediment of a liquid, so what's at the bottom of your coffee cup. Dredge is when they scoop up mud from the bottom of a river. TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. The word broach is also misused in this book TWELVE times, and it's PART OF THE CENTRAL PLOT OF THE BOOK. You mean to use BROOCH, PIPER. They're pronounced the same, but they mean two different things. Again, what the hell are the editors at Bloom doing?
characters Really, the only character I can talk about is Marlow because this book is just about Marlow and how amazing, special, perfect, and genius Marlow is. I fucking hate Marlow. If I ever met Marlow in real life, I would beat her up. Marlow is the most unlikable person ever. The story opens up with her on a date with a guy she's not interested in and can't remember his name; when she gets it wrong, and he corrects her, she continues to call him the wrong name all the way to the end of the book. She mentally berates him for mixing wasabi and soy sauce and cannot let it go. She’s also an AWFUL friend. It seems like her friend's only real purpose is to support her and tell her how amazing she is. She never bothers to make plans with them or inform them about anything that’s happening in her life. When she goes missing for a good chunk of the book, and they're blowing up her phone worried about her, she doesn't even bother to call them to calm them down. She doesn't think about them at all. She's far more concerned with herself and finding her imaginary boyfriend, who she only just decided was real. Her editor tells her she's at risk of losing her job if Marlow doesn't deliver her work or update her on what's happening, and Marlow just...doesn't care. She's like, 'No excuse I can give will be enough, so I'm just not going to say anything at all because I'm afraid of confrontation'. Grow the fuck up?? Her friend Nia only became her friend because she obsessively messaged her on social media until Marlow 'gave in', and now they're family? Somehow? Yet Marlow doesn't think about Nia once or bothers to comfort her when Nia has to call Marlow's abusive mom to ensure Marlow isn't dead. Kirby has allegedly been Marlow's friend since childhood, but does Kirby know anything about Caliban at all? Does Nia? Does Marlow tell her friends anything? If they know about the abuse her mom put her through, do they know how that abuse started? When Fauna shows up and freaks out over liking Kirby’s name so much, Marlow takes it upon herself to tell Fauna the story of Kirby’s name, scornfully informing Fauna that Kirby isn’t their real name the second Fauna expresses interest in it. (Like what, are you jealous that Fauna likes Kirby’s name, you fucking insecure freak??) The story revolves solely around something traumatic that happened to Marlow and how she and Kirby sat and played Super Smash Bros. Kirby liked their character so much that they adopted the name. Which…okay, choosing the name because you liked a video game character, okay, fine. But the whole story preceding this was so unnecessary and just made Marlow come off as suuuuch a whiny baby. “Oh, you want to know about my friend’s name? Well, first, let me preface it with this long woe-is-me story all about ME before I tell you how they chose their name because basically everything revolves around me.”
The way Marlow talks about rejection is so juvenile. You're in your thirties girls, get over it. Life is full of rejections. Someone telling you they didn't to play with you when you were eight years old isn't something you should form your whole life around. Like Marlow doesn't want kids because she doesn't want them to face rejection. Oh my god, Marlow. I also can't empathize with her trauma with her mom at all because I feel like I didn't really see much of it. I'm sure some of the things she says might hit with other people, but I wanted an actual flashback of a super intense fight or conversation instead of an overview of what happened.
plot. It took a while to get to the actual plot. About 100 pages in before things start really happening. I would’ve liked a little more exposition on Marlow’s relationship with Caliban at the beginning of the book. I get that some of the reveals needed to come more towards the end, but I kind of wish that maybe the fox had spoken to Marlow, too, which would’ve helped with why she’s so sure she’s insane. Foxes don’t talk! In all honesty, I wish this story had been restructured entirely. I think it would've been substantially better if we'd started out in Marlow's childhood. We can see how her day to day life was before Caliban ever appeared, how things were with her mom, who can also see through the veil. Maybe she notices some strange things about her mom that she just brushes off, which she later sees in herself and understands why her mom responded that way. Then something actually traumatic happens instead of some little kids not letting Marlow play with them, instigating her starting to see Caliban. I also would've liked to see flashbacks to Marlow's previous lives. While she's busy trying to convince herself Caliban isn't real, those flashbacks would add to her thinking she's losing her grip on reality. Maybe she'll be doing something innocent, like washing the dishes, and then suddenly, she sees herself standing in the middle of a raging battle, wearing long, elaborate robes. Do you see what I'm saying? This could've been cool! Instead, I had to read about Marlow jerking off about herself for 600 pages.
At some point, Caliban shows up to Marlow looking like a human. She's a teenager at this point, but they eventually start sleeping together, and like...idk something about that feels icky to me. It feels like grooming. Because he's clearly thousands of years old, he probably stays the same age while she's a teenager. What age did he wait for her to turn before their relationship turned sexual? Also, she doesn't even think he's real, and he does nothing to convince her that he is. Yeah....just no thanks. I'm good. Marlow tells Caliban when she's 21, she doesn’t want to see him anymore, so she literally physically cannot see him, but she can hear and feel him, and he still shows up, and like they keep having sex. So she’s just having sex with her imaginary demon friend for like five years before she’s finally like, all right, this is weird; maybe we should stop. And then she immediately regrets that when he stops showing up and then the rest of the book finally happens.
We also get flashbacks to when Marlow first starts escorting, and tbh, I hated this depiction of sex work. I keep hoping since Piper claims to be an advocate for sex work and is a former SWer that, we might get some actual depth to this plot. Maybe learn how Marlow was able to mold herself into the person she needed to be for each client, how she’s able to play people, etc. But no. She meets some random girl in a foreign country where she’s teaching English to children, and the girl is like, OMG, you’re too pretty to BE A TEACHER. COME HANG OUT ON MY YACHT. Now, I’m going to be so real. I feel like any woman with a speck of intelligence in their brain would have red flags going off right about now. If a random woman I met in a foreign country invited me to her yacht five minutes after meeting me, I’d immediately assume this woman was about to try and murder me or kidnap me or traffick me or something. But not Marlow. She is like fuck it, why not. She flies on over to wherever this yacht is(literally, she has to get on a plane and fly there) and makes some new besties who introduce her to the wonderfully glamorous non-dangerous life of escorting, where they hand her clients and set up the appointments for her and blah blah blah(also, wanna point out that Marlow even tries to say that she built this sex work empire herself. bitch no you didn't. it was all handed to you). I don’t feel like I really need to go further about why this is a really poor, dangerous rose-colored glasses-type depiction of sex work. It’s just not the reality.
Flash forward five years later, and Marlow is now a top-selling author writing about South African folklore as a white woman, trying to date other men, still having sex with her imaginary friend, calling her nonbinary friend a horse girl, the usual. Her escort pals are nowhere to be seen, and we have no clue what happened to them. We never hear from them again; they just vanish once Marlow gets what she wants from them, just like Nia and Kirby vanish once Marlow finds Fauna and Azrames. One day, Marlow’s at a book signing and sees the ONE bad client she had(because in all the years/months fucking strange men you meet in a foreign country, only one time does it go bad. okay, sure) He somehow finds where she lives, breaks into her home, and tries to murder her. An angel shows up and murders him instead, and then Caliban finally reveals his face and explains to Marlow that he has marked everyone who’s ever wronged her. (Wronged her in what way, tho. Like if someone accidentally shoulder-checked her on the street, are they now marked for death?) I thought it was kind of weird that she’s not like…focused on the fact that her hallucinations have extended to two people and another person dying. She’s still convinced Caliban is a figment of her imagination even after she sees this happen, and Caliban explains to her that he couldn’t save her because there’s some type of contract with her that forbids him from doing anything under her roof without her permission. But she still gets mad and banishes him, and now he can’t come back, and now she’s like, but wait, no, I didn’t mean it. Thus begins the search for Caliban.
Now, I could sit here and outline the rest of the book, but I won't because it's so boring, and nothing of substance really happens. So, to summarize. Marlow searches for Caliban fruitlessly for months and finally makes some progress when she decides to go to the house of the guy who tried to kill her and finds a parasitic entity that she continuously calls a Cheshire Cat. then Silas, the angel, shows up to save her again. Silas maybe wants to fuck Marlow, I can't tell. He waffles between abandoning Marlow to die and stalking her and her mom to force Marlow to bond with him for no seeming reason at all. Everyone and their mom wants Marlow to join their religion, and I don't know what the fuck makes her so special. Marlow is such a popular author that everyone recognizes her name, reveres her, fawns over her, and has multiple copies of her two books in their offices. She's so good that she inspired millions to switch religions. This book was so exhausting to read because it was just about how amazing Marlow is LMFAO. I'm pretty sure they even try to say she's the reincarnation of Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world. Like....wow.
Marlow goes to Hell with Fauna to escape bonding with Silas, where they meet a literal stolen character design. this guy
(my original review has these images but I am an idiot and don't know how to post them so instead I'll share the links)
https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1717860981i/35597445._SY540_.jpg
Don't believe me? here's the commissioned character art.
https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1717860929i/35597423._SY540_.jpg
Anyway, his name is Azrames and he and Fauna are long time lovers and they go and bone while Marlow is in the next room and Marlow fucking masturbates to the sounds of them boning. So...I was forced to read about that, and I hated it. And then, at the end of the book, five chapters before it's over, we learn the bad guy who's been holding Caliban captive the entire time is a fertility goddess. Just out of nowhere. No mention of it previously. So, no one tells Marlow the actual plan, and instead, they send her into this fertility clinic the goddess is working out of and have her pretend to want to get pregnant. So the goddess drugs her without her consent and puts her in a room full of half-naked men, hot stereotypes from every ethnicity, while she's SUPER horny. One of the doctors tells her that 'mixed babies are all the rage right now'. The men all tell her how hot and amazing she is and how lucky they are for the chance to get to fuck her. Then after she chooses one of them, she grinds all over him while he just stands there, then they take him out and bring Caliban in and decide he'll fuck her instead. I just wanna point out that this, all of this, would be rape. Marlow didn't consent to being drugged, and if she didn't know who Caliban was, they basically just took the guy she "agreed" to have sex with away and brought in one she didn't agree to for no reason whatsoever. It doesn't matter that she's saying yes to it; she is drugged. She can't consent. Anyway, Caliban sticks his dick in Marlow and just leaves it there, unmoving, and then makes out with the fertility goddess before stabbing her in the heart and cutting off her head, even though five chapters earlier, they said it's super hard to kill a god. I'm just...wow.
Marlow gets taken back to Fauna's apartment by Silas while Caliban and Azrames are stuck fighting more Cheshire Cat demon children that I imagine look like the spider baby from Toy Story. Marlow is still high, so she's putting the moves on Fauna. She's kissing her throat, rubbing her thigh, trying to suck on her fingers. Let me tell you rn, if one of my friends showed up at my place high af doing this shit to me, I'd be livid. Because I guarantee you, Marlow will not apologize for doing any of this to Fauna.
Fauna tells Marlow that they can be sunflowers. The book ends.
I will read the next one because I like to suffer, but...I hated this. I give it 2 stars because the writing is better than TNAIM, but it was not a hit for me at all.
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2024.06.09 15:04 herecomesthehurrican How do I (21F) convince my mom (47F) to let me go on a weekend trip with my boyfriend (25M)?

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for around 3 months and things have been going really great, he makes me very very happy! We have been planning a short trip in August to another part of our country, just 3 hours away from our city. He has gone on some work trips so this is normal for him. However I haven't even slept outside of my home once. I never went to sleepover or gone on a trip with my girlfriends or family outside of my parents and brother. I thought that since my parents already know my boyfriend pretty well, they would be fine with this. However I told my mom (47F) about the trip yesterday and she freaked out. She just kept saying she won't let me, that is not safe, it's not the time etc etc. I thought that was very strange since 1. We are going to a city that I know very well already and 2. Even though I don't have a stable job because I am doing a masters degree, I made more than enough for the trip already, so I am not asking for any money. I insisted on knowing why she wouldn't let me go, and she finally admited that she's ashamed that I would sleep in the same bed as a man that I've been dating for less than a year... I told her that it should be my decision to make, and that I feel very comfortable with the idea of going with him. We're adults, of course we could have sex, it's not like we would be doing something wrong... I don't know what to make of this situation... How can I convince her to let me go? Although I am legally an adult, I still live with my family so they should also have a say in the matter... But so far I haven't been able to make her see how flawed her logic is and how she is treating me like a child. I also have another obstacle which is my dad and my grandmother that I am sure will take side with my mom... What should I do or say to convince her?
TLDR: My mom won't let me and my boyfriend go on a weekend trip to another city. We both live with our families but we both have our own money. She is scared because we would have to sleep with each other and we having only been dating for less than a year.
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2024.06.09 15:03 FewIllustrator4437 i feel like an awful person.

TW: ADDICTION, INFIDELITY, LYING, SA. MENTIONS OF CANCER, RAPE, ABUSE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THIS WILL UPSET OR TRIGGER YOU.
this will be lengthy and i will try to make as much sense of everything as possible. i want to start out by saying that i am not at all searching for sympathy or validation. i am trying my best to hold myself accountable and to do the right thing. i am hoping that i can be given some sort of guidance and advice.
i (19M) feel like a pretty shitty person. for countless reasons. starting at the age of 11, i lied about my age on social media. i was very much aware that this was wrong, and i still feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed by it all these years later. i was a child, so i feel i can only assign blame to myself beyond a certain point while still acknowledging that my sense of responsibility in such a situation is limited. regardless, this was wrong. what was even worse, is that i kept up this lie for seven years. i had various friendships and LDR’s where people thought i was older than i was. this is so dangerous and puts people in fucking awful situations just because i was selfish. i still regret that.
when i was around 14, i developed a drug addiction. my mother had surgery on her breast due to a benign tumour and she was taking prescription painkillers (opiates) as a result. i would steal these drugs and take them. i feel awful to this day that i did such a thing. stealing from my own mother. her pain relief. i started to spiral into this addiction, primarily as a result of traumas i had suffered as a child (though i do not want to excuse my actions in saying ‘well i have traumas!!!!’ trauma is not an excuse for doing extremely shitty things).
i was told at a really young age (around 5) by a cousin that i was unwanted and my parents are not my real parents. i of course was unaware that i had been adopted by my auntie (who i refer to as my mother). my birth mother is an addict and therefore unfit to care for me. i carried this with me for many years. i survived a terrorist attack when i was 12. i was deeply haunted by this occurrence and i do feel that it was the primary reason that i developed my addiction.
going back to the LDR’s i’ve had, i was awful within all of them. upon developing my drug dependency, i cheated on an ex girlfriend while drunk. i did so with a close friend of mine. i still feel awful about that to this day. the relationship was extremely toxic on both sides, even outside of this occurrence. but regardless, there is zero excuse. i should’ve left as i was unhappy. i should never have cheated.
i had three relationships after this (all were LDR) and i cheated in two of them. both of them with another LDR friend who i later began the third relationship with. he believed me to be older than i was, as did all my former partners. this was my first same-sex relationship, and within it i was sexually abused. i won’t go into detail as to the occurrences, but i will say that i was left so angry and depressed by these experiences. at the same time, i feel that it was my fault for lying about my age. things occurred without my consent and that is still wrong, but i cannot escape the thought that i deserve it for lying.
i met my current girlfriend a year and a half ago. we are LDR. we have been dating for 16 months. from the beginning, i lied to her about my age. i also lied to her about circumstances of my family life. i confessed all of this to her around five months into the relationship. i should never have lied and i am disgusted with myself for that. my girlfriend is the sweetest and most understanding person that i know. when i told her everything, she was of course distraught. i have been in and out of therapy for the last seven or eight years due to mental health issues and trauma and i did my best to work through the reasonings behind these lies that i told. and these were truly awful lies. i said that my mothers tumour was cancerous and she had died. i also said my dad had died by suicide. neither of these lies are true. the truth is (what i uncovered during therapy) that i have been so deeply resentful towards my parents for many years, mainly because of their emotional immaturity and the chaotic upbringing i suffered as a result. my dad has been mentally and emotionally neglectful and abusive for most of my life (though as of very recently he is doing much better). my parents are amazing, they provide for me and i would have nothing without them but i have so much unresolved anger towards them (additionally due to me being trans and my parents not accepting this with my father being extremely transphobic).
i feel wrecked with guilt to this day about these lies. i cannot stomach the thought that my mother would hate my guts if she knew i told such disgusting lies about her. there is no excuse for that. though i feel i should also tell you that i had an ex girlfriend years before all of this when i was 12 who lied to me about having cancer, being r*ped, her doctors telling her she would die on my birthday. just awful things. in retrospect, i am no different from her. i just cannot wrap my head around the fact that i became somebody who hurt me so deeply. i do not know if the reason i did so is because this toxic and disgusting behaviour was so normalised around me - and that does not excuse it. so people endure awful things and do not lie and hurt people as a result.
my girlfriend forgave me for these lies but it has not been easy. we are so deeply in love and happy together, but i am still guilt-ridden. she has offered me so much compassion and i have been so grateful for that. but two days ago, i did something truly awful.
i was out with friends for a close friends birthday. as an addict, i have been sober from drugs for a year and a half and have went through periods of drinking and not drinking. i drank way too much, and i ended up kissing this close friend of mine as well as her other friend. this happened more than once. there were no thoughts in my mind and zero intention or feelings behind these acts, which really only makes things worse. it’s as if my impulse control is nonexistent. my girlfriend is the best thing to ever happen to me and i. cheated on her. i confessed to her in the morning and she was absolutely heartbroken. she has been cheated on before in past relationships and has been physically and mentally abused by exes. she remains such an incredible person which further proves to me that there is zero excuse for these things.
the guilt i feel means nothing because my actions have been continuous and and it seems no matter how hard i try i keep fucking up. every issue in my life is my own fault and i do not know what to do with that anymore. i genuinely feel like the worst person on earth and i’m sure you will read this and believe the same. but i just do not know what to do anymore. am i just an awful fucking person? is there any hope for me in getting any better? i really want to be. i cannot excuse what i have done and i don’t want to live like this anymore. i am sure i will encounter plenty of judgement as a result of this post brut it is well deserved. i am just hoping somebody can give me some sort of guidance. i am going back to therapy and i have decided to quit drinking again. i confessed to my mother about the stealing of her painkillers back when i was fourteen and i told her about the cheating also. she sad that i did the right thing in being honest and acknowledging my issues but i do not feel this is enough. i know i cannot take my actions back but i truly feel some things are inexcusable. i can never trust myself to be a good and honest person even though i try so hard to be. i do not feel worthy of a life. i know if i were in a relationship with somebody who did these things i would hate their guts. i dated a man who lied to me and abused me and. i still feel so much empathy and compassion towards him despite him sexually abusing me. i reached out to him various times with my girlfriends knowledge but also at times without it beggin him to give me a reason as to why he did what he did. i cannot wrap my head around him simply being a bad person. and maybe it’s the same for me. maybe i am just a bad person.
is there any thing that i can do? am i redeemable at all? please respond honestly and do not be afraid to ask questions as i’m sure this is all extremely confusing information. i will do my best to respond to any questions and hopefully i can figure this out. i know it will not be easy but i want to dedicate my time to becoming better. i truly want that to be possible for me. i wish i could take all of this back more than anything i do but i cannot and therefore i need to live with the consequences of my actions and be better. i want to make zero excuses for myself. i want to stop compartmentalising my thoughts and rationalising the awful things that i do. the guilt is eating me up and although i am not afraid to admit to my wrongs i do not feel that is enough for me to suddenly be a good person.
i also forgot to mention that i was recently told i may have cancer due to an abnormal protein level found in my blood and i genuinely feel that it is my karma for lying about this being the case with my own mother. i don’t know if that is even relevant or necessary to say but it’s just so deeply hilarious in the most fucked up way possible. my girlfriend told me that i cannot believe this about myself and that she understands the reasoning behind all that i’ve done though she does not excuse it. i still can’t stomach the idea that i am at all a redeemable or decent person because i have hurt people so much and myself in the process and my continuous attempts to be better lead me nowhere.
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2024.06.09 15:02 Fabijowski My Bf proposed to me - I said no.

As you can read, I rejected the proposal and I feel selfish…
I bond very well with my bf but recently, things changed and the current situation doesn’t seems to be great for marrying my BF.
  1. I’m not happy with the way how I look - overweight, again Before I met him, I finally lost lot of weight and looked good. I’m working out again, a lot and trying to lose weight but struggling. Nevertheless, I’m doing my process. He also gained lot of weight. I’m not attracted to chubby guys which makes it difficult for me to have sex with him since we are both overweight.
  2. We have changed - We both were very happy and social people at the beginning of our relationship. Now, we do not have friends. I feel very lonely and I know I need to have friends in my life because it is very important for me to socialise with people. In his case, I don’t know. In my eyes, he seems to be more pessimistic, see most time the negative in topics and other people, always unhappy in his different job profession, talking like this about family etc. I don’t like this…
  3. Preference changed from vers to top - I always preferred to top but I have bottomed too for him. The thing is, I feel that I do not want to bottom anymore but he is also vers with preference to top…
  4. I am very afraid of being legally committed to someone. I love the idea to be married but I hate to give up part of my independence or authority (I guess?). I guess it’s because I saw how my mother struggled with her partners (one of them my dad who just disappeared) because she trusted them and got pregnant and then left. I do not have benefits if we get married. I live in Switzerland where we have many rights as individuals and live in a great system. (Weird change of topic I know)
  5. Trust issues - He does not like the idea that I go to saunas. He thinks there are perverts who have ton of sex and I enjoy going there. FYI: I go to saunas in the gym studio, not gay saunas. I do not like that he think this about me. He also know I’m actively looking for friends and he says at the end, he does not know what I do with this guys and if we are really only friends…. I really dislike that he has this image about me.
So… as you see a lot of concerns. I do not know if I’m bit over dramatic but can a marriage solve all this problems? Difficult…
EDIT: He is a third-citizen and I’m an EU-citizen. Marriage enable him to apply for a visa and live in Switzerland too.
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2024.06.09 14:56 Sinuks What did starting over look like for you?

28m, two children, going through a nasty divorce.
I'm so hurt and drained right now, everything I read says the path to healing is to focus on myself but after having spent half of my life with my STBXW I'm struggling with who I am.
I have a good career, and I'm offering to buy her half of the house out. It's going to keep my financially strapped for a few years until I can get caught up.
We are trying to swap children every 3 days, but every time I see a text from her, or I see her in person I'm flooded with emotions and have to start from scratch. I wake up every morning and replay the same scenarios in my head, I get through a shower and have my coffee. I sit in silence with my animals for a little while. Sometimes I journal.
I should be enjoying and rebuilding life, but it's so hard. I am working on my diet and learning to revisit food, I've lost ~43 pounds and still on the road to hopefully 180. (I started at 253). I try to go to a park every day and walk ~10k steps, when I can I work out. I'm going to therapy, I guess we could say that I have an anxious attachment style and she's probably more avoidant, though this was swapped early in the relationship. I'm having trouble being alone, I don't want a relationship or sex. Just companionship I guess.
I know there isn't a timeline on these things, and I shouldn't beat myself up and that I need to grieve but I do every day. I'm so upset at the idea of this tearing my family apart, because it's all I've ever worked for but I want to get to a place on indifference and not being so hurt every time I see her.
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2024.06.09 14:55 DearEstablishment952 Do you watch "grown up" tv when your kids are around?

I'm curious to find out whether or not most parents watch their own shows when their kids are awake/around. My kids are 4 and 6, and in my opinion, too young to watch the things we watch on our own time (Ex: Reality TV, Medical Dramas, True Crime). When they're awake, we try to avoid tv as a family, but if we do put something on its something geared to their ages such as Bluey or Tumbleleaf.
I've talked to my friends with similar aged kids and they just watch their own shows while their kids are up and if it bothers the kids they can leave the room.
This recently became a little issue when I came home after my dad was babysitting and found him watching a Planet of The Apes movie in the living room while my kids played barbies in the same room. He didn't see the issue at all and said "I did when you were kids and y'all are fine!". I just don't think they need to be exposed to violence, sex, and other adult themes. I'm not judging what other parents do for their kids, that's just my comfort level for my own kids and I stand very firm on this.
It's very clear most people in our lives find this to be a little strict and unreasonable. I'd love to hear other parents opinions on this. Do you watch your content with your kids around? Why or why not?
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2024.06.09 14:55 BrilliantEmphasis862 Draft message to AP Wife

In this thread I gave the backstory about contacting AP wife (it has been 4 years). https://www.reddit.com/survivinginfidelity/comments/1db3rhn/what_do_tell_ap_spouse_after_several_years_or_let/
My goal is to get the copy polished, so when my wife passes I will make a final decision and then notify AP wife. I have a backdoor to reach her FB account, I have not found any other methods i.e. she doesn't have much of an online footprint.
How I will do this - Post my draft, let folks suggest changes, I will make offline updates, when I send I will share final text.
AP Wife = Sam
Hi Sam, your husband blocked me from talking to you in 2019. There is a DAMN good reason I wanted to talk to you. First, I do want to pre-apologize. You are about to have an awful experience. This will shape your life for the next few years. I’ve been thinking about this communication since early 2019, wondering if I share or let you live your life unknowing. I read the stories of countless people in the same situation and they all were happier knowing the truth. So you will get the truth. Why did I wait? Michelle just passed from cancer. I made a promise to her that I wouldn’t tell you. That promise died with her. That promise started with me trying to contact you and your husband freaking out on my wife & her sister. I made the promise because I thought I was going to save my marriage. I was a fool :)
Where was Graham Jan 24th 2019? He was supposed to be on a work trip to London, or so he told his co-workers and family.
In fact, he was at London Heathrow in a Marriott hotel fucking my wife. At least 3 times. Please have yourself checked for herpes, they had unprotected sex and Michelle has had herpes since her 20’s. I doubt she told him. I have a pic timestamped that day of them together in London, I have her admission, Graham actions post, and the WhatsApp sexting log. I would suggest you take his phone and look for deleted logs of his actions, also take his work computer, it will be a treasure trove with all the porn he is doing and sexting from his office.
I have revenge ideas if you want to see him squirm and lose it – if you don’t want the evidence and want me to go away, I will never reach out to you again. However, there will be a surprise in 48 hrs if you decide to not engage, i.e. how this goes down is fully up to you. Just know, with or without you I’m outing your husband. My hate for your husband & my wife is equal, they have caused so much pain. It is now time for him to pay.
Do you recall Graham being skittish in 2019 thinking his phone was hacked? I bet he forgot to mention he pissed off a husband and he knew who was after him.
Insert my contact info
submitted by BrilliantEmphasis862 to survivinginfidelity [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:52 Reptilestare Accepting the depression and drowning in it

Four years ago I started therapy because I had eating disorders. I was diagnosed with BPD. I went to different therapists, sttended DBT sessions for two years, tried some prescribed drugs and finally dropped out because I gained 20 kg during that time. I was overweight but now I'm obese.
Two years ago I started living with my boyfriend. We had been dating for 10 years and were happy together. When we moved in together he met the real me: lots of sleeping, not eating/overeating, very sad person with no interests besides trying to get better, but not trying too hard. He tried to be supportive but med changed my meds and I suddenly went agressive/sad. For some months I treated him like shit, didn't want him near me, didn't talk to him for days...
Then meds changed, everything seemed a bit better, but then he had some skin problems that affected his genitals. I was sad and self conscious with my body, trying to get better but not achieving anything, and with him there was no intimacy.
I've tried to leave many times but he gets angry when a talk about it because he wants to help me get better and doesn't think I've done enough. Also I change my mind and attitude very often so it's like and on and off chance of things getting better.
I think the best for him would be to dump me, but he doesn't think the same and doesn't like that I don't take responsibility and dump him if that's what I want. He stays and tries so hard to be supportive.
I can't accept that I'm so fat thst even if I drop the weight my skin would be disgusting and I don't want to have sex ever again. I don't want to work in a relationship and condemn someone to a life without sex or intimacy because of my wrong choices. Now I'm not on antidepressants nor therapy. I want to find a nutrition expert to help me lose weight but I don't want therapy because I'm convinced there's mothing to live for.
I'm in my mid thirties and this has been going on for too long. I have family and can't kill myself because of them but I think that's the only thing I've always wanted.
What's the reasonable choice? Get better physically and mentally (if BPD allows it without drugs) and try to achieve a sexless relationship or leave him get a better life (even if he doesn't want to and wants to help me get better so we both can be "happy") and keep on with my depression?
submitted by Reptilestare to BPD [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:50 crablegss08 Want more kids

Hey , so I been dealing with a guy who Constantly tells me things like he wants to cum inside me , wants to give me more kids , everytime we are going to Have sex , he’s asking to come inside .. I always decline , I want one more badly & I want more kids . I explained to him going forward help me try for one . He’s ready , so let’s see ! I don’t plan to tell my family or friends about this one , I only have one , but I want more so badly
submitted by crablegss08 to Mommit [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:46 ExplodingPoptarts What are the non-superhero graphic novels from the current century(the year 2001 and beyond) do you consider 101?

Watchmen is great and all, and so is All-Star Superman but what do you consider the essential books that aren't over a few decades old and aren't in a superhero universe? The topic I made half a month ago, almost everything that was mentioned that had over 20 upvotes was superhero stuff.
Something is Killing The Children probably belongs on this list for example. Same thing The Walking Dead, Saga, Paper Girls, The Sword by The Luna Brothers, Monstress, Stray Dogs, and Department of Truth.
Maybe Criminal by Ed Brubaker, My Friend Dahmer by Derk Backderf, They Called Me Enemy by George Takai, TMNT: Ronin by Kevin Eastman, Hip Hop Family Tree, Nimona, Sex Crminals, The Wicked And The Divine, Bone, and Y The Last Man belong here too
There's probably some really great Manga as well that belongs on this list as well, although I can't think of anything off of the top of my head.
submitted by ExplodingPoptarts to graphicnovels [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:43 Reptilestare Accepting the depression and drowning in it

Four years ago I started therapy because I had eating disorders. I went to different psychilogists, tried some prescribed drugs and finall dropped out because I gained 20 kg during that time. I was overweight but now I'm obese.
Two years ago I started living with my boyfriend. We had been dating for 10 years and were happy together. When we moved in together he met the real me: lots of sleeping, not eating/overeating, very sad person with no interests besides trying to get better, but not trying too hard. He tried to be supportive but med changed my meds and I suddenly went agressive/sad. For some months I treated him like shit, didn't want him near me, didn't talk to him for days...
Then meds changed, everything seemed a bit better, but then he had some skin problems that affected his genitals. I was sad and self conscious with my body, trying to get better but not achieving anything, and with him there was no intimacy.
I've tried to leave many times but he gets angry when a talk about it because he wants to help me get better and doesn't think I've done enough. Also I change my mind and attitude very often so it's like and on and off chance of things getting better.
I think the best for him would be to dump me, but he doesn't think the same and doesn't like that I don't take responsibility and dump him if that's what I want. He stays and tries so hard to be supportive.
I can't accept that I'm so fat thst even if I drop the weight my skin would be disgusting and I don't want to have sex ever again. I don't want to work in a relationship and condemn someone to a life without sex or intimacy because of my wrong choices. Now I'm not on antidepressants nor therapy. I want to find a nutrition expert to help me lose weight but I don't want therapy because I'm convinced there's mothing to live for.
I'm in my mid thirties and this has been going on for too long. I have family and can't kill myself because of them but I think that's the only thing I've always wanted.
What's the reasonable choice? Get better physically and mentally and try to achieve a sexless relationship or leave him get a better life (even if he doesn't want to and wants to help me get better so we both can be "happy") and keep on with my depression?
submitted by Reptilestare to depression [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:37 Playful_Spinach7868 He’d (M30s) rather get is dick wet by other women than emotionally support me (F30s)

So, yesterday, I found out my uncle died. He was a big part of my childhood and even with his addiction he had a special place in my heart. Growing up, it many family members made an effort, but he did. It took a few hours to confirm it because we were getting info from hearsay.
During this time, I reached out to someone that was so “dead set” on being my person and building a relationship with me. I had already had an issue with him because his effort felt like watching a snail move. Very unenthusiastic. I chalked it up to him being busy and life (and I had already pointed this out several times before). Well, responded then goes MIA for most of the day. At that time it wasn’t confirmed and when it was I messaged him. Again, I chalked up his lack of response to him just being busy and focused on just… getting my thoughts together.
Later that night, he messages me saying he’s sorry and sends a gif and I tell him I’ve been writing to distract myself. He responds with “awwwww.” I finally manage to go to bed and just this morning I look online and what do I see?? Him trying to hook up and connect with people for sex. Ha. I messaged him breaking things off, then blocked him after he read it and had time to either respond or move on with his day. (He moved on with his day.)
I fucking hate this weekend. I hate the week that started this fucking weekend. And writing everything out makes it worse because if you care for someone… you’re there trying to support, not looking to get laid.
Editing to add: he’s poly. So it’s not the other women thing, it’s the fact that I needed him, as one does when something emotional happens, and he ran off to go frolic with women he wanted to add to his “harem.”
TLDR; the guy that adamantly says he wants a relationship with me would rather get his dick wet instead of being emotionally present for me after I found out my uncle died.
submitted by Playful_Spinach7868 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:34 SnooRabbits3921 How should I address this with my wife of 20years?M44 and F42

My (44M) wife (42/F) only gets intimate with me when she’s extremely drunk or my birthday. Background been together 20 years, we have gone thru a lot two kids 12m and 9f more up and down of life, work, starting my own business shit ED for a period of time which I finally got it fix with trt and therapy.
Well during the ED era..the times I tried to have sex with her, she would always would make comments like for what? Is it even going to work, which of course that hurt me even more. Eventually she would even said things like well your out of shape and can’t get up at least give me a hard dick. Ok background, I am very lucky to have very attractive wife, but I have been the same shape since we meet, yes I am not perfect but I am big guy but lately she makes comments that are hurtful. She would make comments about her friends ex husband, because they were having sex few times a week in front my neighbors one night totally embarrassed but she was drunk.. and yes you guessed it and got some that night second time this fucking year. The other time was my birthday in April.
Fuck I want her all the time she tell me to get off trt, now she made the comment about my neighbor son, to my sister and her friend, “ you would know if he was still around he runs in the morning no shirt. “ Fine I get it I don’t have a flat stomach but fucking stop.
I am going thru a lot of family shit right now hosting my sister and kids and work is slow and everything is building up. All I want is to fuck my wife and relaxed, last night I had a few drinks and she did too. We went to bed I didn’t try but I got up a couple hours later and I major hard on that could of cut concrete, I also felt my wife was somewhat awake and she repositioned herself and I have caught her double clicking the mouse before but she denies it so I went for it and put my leg over her and her hand left so fast from her center point and turn sideways she got mad.. I try to explain and showed her I needed some but she refuse she wanted to go to bed … wtf, in the beginning of relationship she told anytime I wanted it to go for it. Now I have to beg for few times a year … I am wrong what is the deal how do I address this with her?
I try to stay away from her and keep my distance because I don’t know what I would say… or do but I am going to blow up…btw all of these great man she wish I was are the same men seeing hookers and cheating on their spouses .. so I guess my dick is not good enough for my wife I don’t know …thanks for any good advise please refrain making jokes on this I just trying to get different points of view.
submitted by SnooRabbits3921 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:25 Patie08 Have I (22F) committed too early to my boyfriend (23M)?

I've (22F) been dating my boyfriend (23M) for around a month. It all moved pretty fast at the start. I usually take a long time to start to feel romantically towards people but with him it was instant. I felt a strong crush like I never have before. We got into a relationship very quick and have been meeting eachothers friends and family. It's all been going great as I really like him and we get along great.
We spent a couple nights apart last week and since seeing him again, I'm questioning whether my feelings are romantic or not. We're still being affectionate and having sex but I'm not feeling the same as I did at the start. When I think about our future it all seems nice but it's not exciting me anymore. I like being around him and it's super comfortable but I don't feel I have super strong romantic feelings.
He's in love with me and is very clear about his feelings. When he asked me to be his girlfriend I was happy as we had already been acting like it anyway. Now I'm worried I committed too early in. I definitely don't want to leave him as I'm really enjoying our time together. I just can't tell if I'm feeling the way I'm supposed to.
Has anyone felt this way near the start of the relationship to get over it and fall in love later? I've only had one relationship before so I don't have much to compare it to. I recall that one being a slow burn but I think I'm just upset my feelings were so strong and now they're not. Whereas previously my feelings just grew slowly over time.
submitted by Patie08 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 14:21 herecomesthehurrican How do I (21F) convince my mom (47F) to let me go on a weekend trip with my boyfriend (25M)?

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating for around 3 months and things have been going really great, he makes me very very happy! We have been planning a short trip in August to another part of our country, just 3 hours away from our city. He has gone on some work trips so this is normal for him. However I haven't even slept outside of my home once. I never went to sleepover or gone on a trip with my girlfriends or family outside of my parents and brother. I thought that since my parents already know my boyfriend pretty well, they would be fine with this. However I told my mom (47F) about the trip yesterday and she freaked out. She just kept saying she won't let me, that is not safe, it's not the time etc etc. I thought that was very strange since 1. We are going to a city that I know very well already and 2. Even though I don't have a stable job because I am doing a masters degree, I made more than enough for the trip already, so I am not asking for any money. I insisted on knowing why she wouldn't let me go, and she finally admited that she's ashamed that I would sleep in the same bed as a man that I've been dating for less than a year... I told her that it should be my decision to make, and that I feel very comfortable with the idea of going with him. We're adults, of course we could have sex, it's not like we would be doing something wrong... I don't know what to make of this situation... How can I convince her to let me go? Although I am legally an adult, I still live with my family so they should also have a say in the matter... But so far I haven't been able to make her see how flawed her logic is and how she is treating me like a child. I also have another obstacle which is my dad and my grandmother that I am sure will take side with my mom... What should I do or say to convince her?
TLDR: My mom won't let me and my boyfriend go on a weekend trip to another city. We both live with our families but we both have our own money. She is scared because we would have to sleep with each other and we having only been dating for less than a year.
submitted by herecomesthehurrican to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:48 PrimevialXIII most bot responses and rerolls are horny and romantic now (semi-rant & criticism in one)

you ever feel like ranting?? well i do, so get ready.
alright now listen up: so, ever since a few weeks nearly every single bot reroll i get is either:
1) the bot making advantages towards me.
2) the bot touching me or the bot flirting with me.
3) the bot forcing me into kisses or sex.
for example i used the same bot, the same rp concept and even the same first message yesterday. a few months or even weeks ago i never, really NEVER got any sexual or romantic replies/rerolls. now almost every reroll is one. no matter what account of mine im using and im so so sick of it.
back then my persona could even sit on the bots lap and for the bot there was nothing sexual about it. now i have my persona hugging the bot whos supposed to be the personas brother and the bot is like "theres something steering up in (bots name) thats more than just feelings you harbor for your family members" or just the bot outright making the hug sexual. that has NEVER happened a few months ago, i even added "no incest, purely platonic" in the characters description ffs, a director command and not even that helps.
the whole thing nearly (!) feels like back then on c.ai where the bot was constantly flirting with the user for no absolute reason. i hated that and slowly it's happening on dopple too.
i just hope its just the (not really satisfying) LLM they are using rn and hopefully theyre gonna change/improve that soon. i really dont want dopple to become another horny chat ai service. the lacking over-horniness and romance aspect in most rps was one of the main reason of me using dopple tbh and it makes me both sad and mad that theres so many horny and romantic responses now.
even when i add for example "(bots name) isnt interested in sex or love" in the character description it doesn't acknowledge it. even director commands don't tone it down. it seriously made me use dopple less because im not interested in romance or sex.
dopple devs if one of you reads this, please for the love of god dont make romance and sex a main point for the LLM and the main usage of your website. please keep it so people themselves can decide if they want to fuck or romance their bots.
also like i said in the title this whole rant is just criticism and not hate, dont worry, i still use the app more than i probably should.
well dramatic exhale that was everything i had to say, i think. if you feel like it, give me your opinions or even your complaints, i dont mind.
anyway, thanks for reading. have a good day.
submitted by PrimevialXIII to DoppleAI [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:36 Glittery_WarlockWho How do I get back in contact with a friend?

So I (18) had a childhood friend J (~17/18 I think), we met when J was 7 and I was 8, we did sports together until we were 14 + 15. I haven't spoken to J in nearly 3 years and I feel really bad because J had a family tragedy a few years ago (I found out through my mum who is friends with J's mum on FB) and I didn't reach out, I knew I probably should have but this happened a year or two after we both quit the sport and lost contact, so I didn't want my first message to be 'hey sorry this happened to you' I was planning on contacting them through social media (I don't have their phone number) and reconnecting but I just didn't know how.
I have autism and really bad anxiety so contacting people who I don't normally talk too is really stressful for me, but I miss talking to J, they were a really good friend, we only hung out twice outside of sport, we went to see the movies.
Should I even try? I feel really bad for not reaching out.
It also doesn't help the fact that J and I are different genders and I find it difficult to talk to people of the other gender (I went to a single sex school for most of high school so some of the awkwardness is still there)
I am keeping things purposefully vague because i don't know if J uses reddit or anything.
submitted by Glittery_WarlockWho to Advice [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:24 lemon-cake-94 I (29M) broke up with her (22F), and not sure if I made the right decision?

Hi all this is a long one!
I'm writing this right now with a heavy heart and thought it would be good idea to sanity check my decision.
The other day I broke up with her and constantly reflecting on the reasons on why it happened. We have been dating for about 9 months and in between had a couple of breakups.
She has been overall such a good, caring partner in my life. However after a few months, I started going through a mental decline due to multiple reasons - issues with my job, family and at the time started questioning whether I was truly fulfilled in my relationship with her. There hasn't been anything problematic between us but I was unsure if I was able to reciprocate the level of affection and commitment that she was willing to offer. There was something missing but couldn't put my finger on it and it was starting to drive me crazy.
So I broke up with her the first time as I didn't want to waste her time and loved her to know she deserves someone else. She wanted to remain friends after and it was clear she didn't want to let me go.
During the first break we were NC - I started to feel better and was making peace with other aspects of my life including my job and family. Then we met up again. We did miss each other. We got back together again but communicated our feelings, and we'd be more open to each other.
Things were fine again for a while then a month later I started having my doubts again. This time it made me more stressed because I had no idea why I was feeling this way. My past relationships were clearly toxic in their own ways and I broke up with them because it was directly hurting me. I'm not the sort of person to give relationships another shot, but this time I broke my own code for the first time and even surprised myself doing it.
She wanted to be there for me and see if there is anything we can do to make it right. Even saying I made her happy and I was the best partner she's ever had.
But there is another issue that surfaced after the first breakup. She has this male friend that used to be FWB after they realised there was no romantic connection between them. When we started dating I learned she remains friends with him but does not see him another other than platonic friend. I raised early on that it does not sound normal considering their past but thought it may not be an issue considering she was committed and emotionally invested in me. I was fine with it after we talked it through, but said that I question the motives of the male friend and as he may be waiting for another opportunity to sleep with her again.
When we got back together after the first breakup, I asked her directly if she slept with him. She denied it. However at some point she admitted to her lying to me and actually she did sleep with him. I understand I am no position to argue or judge her decisions because we were single for that time period but it was him she did it with, and that's bothering me.
The problem I have is she is still friends with him to this day even when we reconciled and they frequently contact each other even when we got back together. I questioned their dynamic and relationship, and said I am not happy that she lied to me the first time and the fact they are still in contact/seeing each other. Sex to her means something different to me and we both outlined that, and she did say she had a poor relationship with sex in the past using it for the wrong reasons. She said she slept with him because she was hurting from the breakup and need to numb the pain but also admitted it was the wrong thing to do and regrets it deeply, even saying she was drunk at the time. I do wonder if loneliness is what drove the decision and she has dealt with depression/bad relationships in the past.
This breakup feels more hurtful than the first time. I love her and miss her. I still have this hope that something can be worked out considering we are both people who are loving and caring. Despite this complication with her male friend, she has been a really good partner to me and I worry that I didn't really give this relationship a chance to be something.
Right now I am taking this time to learn from what i've been through.
Sometimes I question whether she really did love me.
TLDR: We broke up a couple of times - first time because I wasn't able to feel the love and commitment that I wanted to give. I improved after first break, then got back together. Problems resurfaced and find out she slept with her FWB during first break up that she remained friends throughout relationship and I feel really uncomfortable. She regrets it but said she was hurting at the time.
submitted by lemon-cake-94 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:24 SinlessTitan The Struggles of Gen Z Men: Facing Economic and Relationship Realities in the Modern World

As a younger Gen Z guy, it feels pointless to strive for success anymore. There are so many reasons as a man, to not try it seems, both economically and in relationships. Examples being: economic problems (inflation), movements like 4B and Man vs. Bear, declining birth rates due to Gen Z having less sex, high divorce rates, and the whole gender war fueled by feminism and redpill movements and social media.
Social media, TikToks, and podcasts keep bashing men and women, and then it doesnt help that a lot of gen z women have unrealistic height and financial standards of men, plus many women in Gen Z don't seem interested in having kids anymore, or being stay-at-home moms, or they like the idea of it but do not like it in practice.
All this makes it feel like we were sold a lie as young men growing up, and that dream of working hard, finding a partner in our twenties or early thirties, getting married, being loyal, buying a house, having kids, and creating a beautiful family. That entire dream now seems like a joke or a big miscalculation of how things would turn out.
Without that goal being realistic anymore, there's not much motivation for young males to be their best physically, socially, or economically. Even if you work hard and become successful, the sad truth is you will probably still end up alone and unmarried statistically. The desire to provide for a family just can't be fulfilled because of the current gender politics and mutual hate.
With the rise of equality and feminism, guys now also have to compete with both men and women in the workforce, doubling the competition economically. This makes it harder to get into a relationship and manage the financial burden of traditional relationships where guys are expected to pay for everything. Even in non traditional relationships where the man only pays half, it’s just still too expensive to go on dates today.
We're in a weird phase, moving away from traditional values but still holding onto some expectations. As someone from Gen Z, it seems people either sleep with everyone or no one, and there is not much in between these days, neither of which promotes building a healthy long term relationship with someone. It’s a very depressing situation.
I know many women are dealing with similar issues, and my words might sound like generalizations. I'm just sharing my experience and opinions, as I know there are exceptions. I get that women were abused and mistreated in the days of past, and I don't wish that to return. I'm just voicing the depression that I feel from the lack of companionship and the hopelessness caused by the absolute all-out gender war in my generation.
I would love to hear what other people think about the current gender dynamics we are going through today. Thank you.
submitted by SinlessTitan to PurplePillDebate [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:17 Significant-Pea8342 Is there more to life than just fucking women and getting money?

All I want in life is sex
I try my best to work very hard and do productive things everyday. But eveytime I think of why im doing this it comes back to sex. Im 18 but ever since i was a child my motivations have been validation and sex. I always said i wanted to earn money and be rich but its because i want to use it to get even more and sex. Everything i do and whenever i improve myself it’s to get a girl to help me bust a nut but funnily enough whenever i had a chance to get a girlfriend i give them some BS reason on why I’m not ready for a relationship and move on to the next. The real reason is that my goal isn’t to find love but to fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck. I know I can’t be loyal now so I prefer being single rather than cheating and end up hurting someone.
Of course I enjoy some things like hanging out with my family and friends and maybe some random entertainment. But honestly I don’t feel really at peace if my Willy isn’t wet.
Is this wrong? Is there more to life than this? Why or why not?
submitted by Significant-Pea8342 to nairobi [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:06 lemonsaltwater Colin + Pen = Swans: A Deep Dive

Colin + Pen = Swans: A Deep Dive
A joint research effort of u/sc127 and u/lemonsaltwater
Throughout Seasons 2 and 3, swans are a recurring theme in Colin and Pen’s story, both in terms of explicit imagery/sound and allusions to swan behavior and stories. There are so many allusions that it is clear the showrunners, and Julia Quinn,* want us to make these associations, as every detail is intentional.
(\while neither of us have read the books, but based on character names, as well as references to the books on this sub, we can assume this. If you've read the books, please comment with more swan references! We do not present this as something hidden/new but rather for the fun of finding all of the references.)*
The biggest allusion to swans is how swans mate for life and form into bonding pairs quite young, well before mating age. Trumpeter swans bond as young as 20 months — but then wait several years and don’t mate until at least the age of 4-7. Colin and Pen meet at a young age and form a friendship but it then takes several years for it to become romantic.
Let’s plunge our beaks underwater and dive into how these associations play out for Colin and Pen individually and then as a couple.

Colin’s character as a swan

Colin has always been a swan, even if he didn’t lean into it. It shows up in a variety of character traits throughout the seasons.
Male swans are fiercely protective of their partners. We see Colin’s protectiveness over Pen show up multiple times. I did a longer post on the evolution of Colin's protectiveness a few weeks ago, but here are some scene highlights:
  • Ep 1x01: After Penelope beams at how happy she is to be wearing a pink dress, Cressida then spills her drink on her. Colin feels defensive of her, and rejects Cressida's bid to dance (big social no-no!) and dances with Penelope instead
  • Ep 2x07, 2x08 (Cousin Jack’s scam): He not only gets angry at Mondrich for insulting the Featherington family, but also at Cousin Jack for taking advantage of the Featherington women
https://i.redd.it/3fwzxihqji5d1.gif
  • Season 3 has multiple examples of Colin protecting Pen: after his dating help is revealed, balloon, protecting her from a mistake. It is notable that the few times we see Colin angry, they are all related to Pen’s feelings.
https://i.redd.it/u18mhwo8ri5d1.gif
We'll likely see more of this in Part 2 (and various book spoilers indicate this as well).
Male swans are also one of the few species of waterfowl that take an active role in rearing children. Male swans will sit on the eggs and protect them, unlike other waterfowl. In Seasons 1 and 2, Colin is often seen playing with his younger siblings. We see the male swan’s interest in child rearing most obviously in 2x02 when Eloise recoils from Daphne’s baby and Colin swoops in to tenderly and lovingly hold him.
https://i.redd.it/vce8xkfeli5d1.gif
Swans are known for mating for life and for being dedicated partners, unlike other species of waterfowl. Colin “My Wife” Bridgerton, hello. But even before Season 3, we see this in Season 2 when Colin is the only one in the front row who appears happy at Anthony and Edwina’s wedding, and according to Luke, Colin is actually crying because he loves love so much. He delights in love.
https://i.redd.it/xgsjjbu1mi5d1.gif
Afterwards, Colin finds himself somewhat depressed and “searching for answers at the bottom of his flask” after their “bungled nuptials.” For someone who sees love as "the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning," to see an engagement broken off at that point is deeply distressing. (We'll return to Anthony's wedding later.)
His recurring appearance changes after his extended travels: Swans shed all of their feathers during their annual summer migration period. After his travels between S1 and S2, he returns with facial hair. After his travels between S2 and S3, he returns with new clothing.

Penelope: Duck => Swan

Penelope, meanwhile, needs to go through a transformation in order to become a swan.
(There are a lot of motifs used for Penelope throughout the show: butterflies, cake, etc, but here we’re going to focus on ducks and swans.)
Let’s start with her name. To get all Colin-season-2 for a moment, “Penelope” is believed to derive from the Ancient Greek word penelops, which means “duck.” In modern language, “pen” is the official name for a female swan. And her last name is Featherington.
Something that starts as a duck and becomes a swan… that sounds a lot like the HC Andersen short story The Ugly Duckling, which is about a duck who is cast aside by society for being ugly, only to later learn that the reason it looked different was because it was actually a swan.
While Colin and Pen are more likely to quote Byron than Danish fairy tales, the allusions to The Ugly Duckling are quite strong throughout Penelope’s character arc. (And indeed, fantasy plays a huge role in their worldviews.)
This is directly referenced in the book:
“I thought you believed in me," she said, "that you saw beyond the ugly duckling.”
For a brief refresher on The Ugly Duckling, let’s take Wikipedia’s summary and annotate it:
After a mother duck's eggs hatch, one of the ducklings takes longer to hatch and is bigger and perceived by the other animals as an ugly little creature. It suffers much verbal and physical abuse from its mother and siblings, and has an absent father.
Penelope is the youngest of three children. From the first episode, it is clear that her mother regards her as less desirable and less beautiful than her sisters. Her father is neglectful and largely absent. She is repeatedly subject to unkind comments and treatment by her mother and sisters. To take just one example, when suitors come over to meet Marina, and her mother closes courting hour, she says “Please feel free to bid farewell to Phillipa or Prudence, or even Penelope.” (Colin is the only one to take her up on this.)
Portia also insists that Penelope wear bright yellow dresses even though she herself prefers pink. Yellow is the color of baby ducks. Portia tends towards green, often in iridescent fabrics, which roughly maps to the coloring of several types of adult ducks (even females). (In the Ugly Duckling, the ugly duckling is gray rather than yellow like it’s siblings. However, they’ve taken a bit of artistic license here to reinforce the duck imagery.)
It wanders from the barnyard and lives with wild ducks and geese until hunters slaughter the flocks. It finds a home with an old woman, but her cat and hen tease and taunt him mercilessly, and once again he sets off alone.
We don’t have a direct literal correlation to the cats and hens, but we can interpret “leaving the barnyard” as Penelope being too early presented in society, and the “cats and hens” being the multitude of catty comments and “clucking hens” (judgmental, gossipy mothers) of society.
It’s also interesting how Cousin Jack is presented quite clearly as a hunter in Season 2, and the gun rack on the wall clearly makes Portia uncomfortable. There aren’t direct references to duck hunting, yet that was a common hobby. (We admittedly don’t know anything about rifles and can’t figure out if any of them he displays on the wall are specifically for duck hunting, but would love it if someone knew!) Cousin Jack, of course, nearly destroys their family.
The duckling sees a flock of migrating wild swans. It is delighted and excited but cannot join them because he is too young, ugly, and unable to fly. When winter arrives, a farmer finds and carries the freezing duckling home but he is frightened by the farmer's noisy children and flees the house. The duckling spends a miserable winter alone outdoors, mostly hiding in a cave on the lake that partly freezes over.
We can read this as being when Pen watches Colin leave for Greece, and when she looks at the happy Bridgerton household. She is also too young and immature to fervently declare her feelings as she states one should. Nicola plays her as immature (the little hop when she speaks, high voice), and she is trapped in her mother’s house.
The allusion of the migrating swans is also interesting as one could see all of the Bridgertons as swans who glide gracefully on the surface of society (“pretty Bridgertons”). While not all of the Bridgertons exhibit swan-like behavior, Violet and Edmund do (but more on that below). Note how in 3x02 Penelope says the place she feels the most comfortable is/was the Bridgerton Drawing Room at Sunday tea -- surrounded by the flock of swans.
We could be a bit literal with our interpretation here and say that Colin’s protection of Pen with the Ruby scam is equivalent to the farmer’s care, and then is scared off not by children but his own friends. But I think we can look at it more broadly to say that Penelope goes from thinking she will be cared for — as Colin says during their dance in 2x08 — but then feels cast aside.
She then spends a miserable summer alone, without Eloise or Colin.
The duckling, now having fully grown and matured, cannot endure a life of solitude and hardship anymore. It decides to throw himself at a flock of swans, feeling that it is better to be killed by such beautiful birds than to live a life of ugliness.
When we first meet her in 3x01, it is clear she has had an awful, lonely summer. She is shown in her old clothing -- notably more pink but still yellow, a sign of the impending transition -- and looking shy and hunched over.
https://i.redd.it/b1fn60pwqi5d1.gif
But she resolves to fully break free of her family and marry. Her first dress is iridescent emerald green — the color of peacocks, which is likely the most direct motif given she hides behind a peacock in the garden, but it is also the color of adult mallards and several other duck species.
She throws herself into the fray at great personal risk rather than having to continue to live with her family of ducks that reject her. However, she is still awkward and unsure of herself. While she walks down the stairs with confidence, once she's on the floor, she isn't fully carrying herself with confidence, and sort of slides her feet along the floor in a slouchy manner. She then proceeds to bungle her conversation with the lords who approach her. In other words, she still sees herself as an ugly duckling -- or perhaps ugly duck since she's grown. But Colin is able to see beyond that and has the first glimmers of starting to notice her as something different than everyone else.
https://i.redd.it/i2dcbfb1qi5d1.gif
Part 2 speculation:
The Ugly Duckling is shocked when the swans welcome and accept it, only to realize by looking at his reflection in the water that it had been not a duckling but a swan all this time. The flock takes to the air, and it spreads its wings to take flight with the rest of its new family.
Penelope is shocked when Colin has feelings for her, and according to the trailer, is welcomed with open arms by Violet and the rest of the swan’s family (except Eloise, who does not exhibit swan-like behaviors herself, but that's a different topic). Given the focus on mirrors so far this season, perhaps this combined mirrougly duckling/swan theme will reappear. Penelope will then integrate herself into the Bridgerton family and identify more with them, rather than her family of birth. She thus gets both self-acceptance, a husband, a loving family, and freedom all at the same time.
Given the use of mirrors this season, I expect Colin will literally and figuratively help Penelope see herself in the mirror the way he sees her, in a parallel to what Colin says in S2 E2 about her letters:
Your letters were so encouraging. I thought, if Penelope can see me this way, then surely I can too.
A brief note on Penelope's clothing
We can see hints of this in her clothing. Over Season 3 Part 1, Penelope’s clothing changes from Featherington green to Bridgerton blue. Yet in the kiss scene and Colin’s dream, she’s wearing dresses that are such light blue/green that they almost appear to be white, and she doesn't seem to wear these dresses in other scenes. (The dream one is similar to the market scene, but the sleeve detailing is different -- it's much more feathery. Hmmm.) While white dresses can imply wedding, perhaps another thread to pull here is their swan-like whiteness. The moment when they kiss is the first time it occurs to him to see her romantically, and it is also the first time he sees her in a nearly-white dress. That she is in a feathery white dress in his dream reinforces the idea that, at least subconsciously, he has started to see her as a swan.
(Yet they aren't fully white — so there is still evolution to happen.)
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Colin calling her Pen — "swan" — from the very beginning
And lastly, back to her nickname. The first time we ever see Colin talk to Penelope is in S1 E1 after Colin visits the Featherington house during courting hour for Marina, he refers to her as Pen. He refers to her again as Pen when they dance later in that episode. The viewer sees her transition from Penelope, a duck, and then becomes Pen, a swan. But Colin has always seen her as a swan, even if he didn’t realize it.
(We have not done a full analysis of the times he calls her Penelope vs the times he calls her Pen, nor of other people using her nickname.)

Audio and visual swan references

So, Colin is always a swan, and Pen transitions from duck to swan. Several times throughout the seasons, we see direct and indirect nods to swans in terms of imagery, dialogue, and other scene elements when Colin and Pen are together.
It’s notable that, as far as we can tell, swans and swan noises largely only show up when Colin and Pen are together. (There is one exception, discussed in the next section.)
The most obvious is in 2x05:
COLIN: After all, everyone else is finding some purpose to their lives. Anthony is to be married. Benedict has his artistic pursuits. And, well, here I am... feeding the ducks. [Looks at a swan as he says this]
PENELOPE: I am sure the ducks are most grateful.
https://i.redd.it/53fkdvblui5d1.gif
https://i.redd.it/0lqr6dxnui5d1.gif
The implication being, of course, is that Colin does not realize he's not looking at a duck but at a swan. His feelings for her aren't romantic yet. But he is really looking at a swan — Pen. And that she, not the ducks, is grateful for his company and conversation.
Interestingly, quacking is heard in the background. It’s hard to say whether it’s ducks or swans — perhaps it’s intentionally ambiguous.
Singing swans = courting activities? Or a shift in feelings for Colin?
But let’s pull that thread a bit, as swans singing comes up several more times. Swan songs have historically had an association with death, yet “their sounds are more distinguishable during courting rituals and not correlated with death.” We could then interpret hearing swan songs as times that are courting-esque, or perhaps moments when Colin’s perspective on Penelope is starting to shift.
In 2x06, Penelope has a heated conversation with Eloise about Eloise’s feelings about Theo. Eloise asks her if she’s ever felt the torment of feelings for someone, and Penelope says she could only imagine it. She then looks over at Colin and swans are heard in the background.
A few moments later, when Penelope walks over to Colin for the “purpose” conversation, swans are again heard in the background. (Listen very closely as she walks over to him.)
In 3x01, when Colin and Penelope talk in the garden after the presentation, swans are heard in the background as Colin looks at her while she looks away. In this scene, Colin is wearing his beautiful embroidered vest, which features a duck near the collar. It also features a parrot. (Shout out to u/EverEarthling for this amazing deep dive on the vest!) Perhaps when Colin bought this vest in Paris, he still viewed Penelope as a duck, and himself as a parrot (i.e. one who parrots the behaviors of what society expects). Given this, we might not see this vest again, as gorgeous as it is.
https://preview.redd.it/9r4qb648wi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=facbf720d29560adad66b31923c1646ab7fc66c8
While we might think these were coincidences because they happened to be near water, it seems unlikely, as there are a lot of garden/park/outdoor scenes where no swans are seen or heard.
In 303, at the end of the Willow scene, swans are heard in the background as Penelope leaves. Swans then re-appear the Hawkins Balloon Fair. There is a giant wicker statue of a swan, decked in lilacs and light pink roses, off to the side of the balloon. (Lilacs being the favorite flower of the Bridgertons and light pink being the Bridgerton color of first love.) While we don’t get an obvious camera angle of this, based on body positions, Penelope would have been looking at this swan statue the entire time while talking to Debling.
Their conversation is about birds, and despite literally staring at a giant bird statue, she struggles to come up with one, and instead names a sparrow.
https://preview.redd.it/x25logl1wi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3e95b51b6a6cf37cfb0010ea699158f5bfd12b86
Here's Nicola goofing around with said swan statue.
https://preview.redd.it/j1n4t28svi5d1.jpg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=75bfa6f3a86aa6890d9ee9f8afc296b1762b77e2
In 3x04, the Queen has dancing swans in her wig. And, this is the first time in the season when Colin and Penelope dance together.
https://preview.redd.it/kmvtrgniki5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6caac598ac9992cd65b278059a1da22caa214e23
We also have a small wink in terms of grass. Swans who have not yet begun mating, even if they are paired, will gather in flocks in fields of grass. Paired swans who are too young to mate will move throughout the flock socially yet still be paired — much like the environment of a ball. In 2x03, Colin mentions how he once spent meditating for hours on a single blade of grass, and in 3x03, when trying to impress Debling and looking directly at a swan, Penelope says how she likes grass.
(Perhaps we can also interpret this to mean that Eloise is not a swan: she says she’d rather watch grass grow than talk to other debutantes. But, again, that’s for another post on Eloise being different than her siblings.)
Interestingly, at these swan social gatherings, “some individuals will have several courtships with other members of the flock, whilst others, tend to stay away from densely populated parts of the herd and do their own thing.” Sounds like Colin and Pen!
From the book, there's a mention of a "swan song:" (credit to u/leadwithlovealways)
https://preview.redd.it/4rui2ve22j5d1.png?width=3405&format=png&auto=webp&s=e0b63ac184f171f44735d9e58d2e43aff311383f

Colin + Pen = Swans

Let’s talk for a moment about the behaviors of bonded swan pairs and their mating behaviors, as there are a lot of parallels.
One important part of the beginning of the swan courting ritual is that both will drop their wings completely to their sides, and not puff themselves up at all. We can see this literally in terms of Colin and Pen in the carriage (both have their arms down at their sides), but also metaphorically: they are both at their most vulnerable, their least puffed-up, in the entire season.
https://preview.redd.it/2jmk55zcxi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2c3d3ce9c8046d8dacadf0254090ba5b2d6db57b
When swans are bonded, they will press their chests together and bend their necks together and rest their foreheads against one another, forming a heart shape. In their first kiss, we see Colin rest his forehead against Penelope’s ever so slightly — somewhat tentatively, almost, and his chest is not pressed to hers. (It is in his dream, though.). We see the forehead-resting and chests pressed together more times in the carriage scene.
https://i.redd.it/dqaj33bbyi5d1.gif
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Mating dances
First, watch this video of swans doing a mating dance. (Or read, if you prefer.) Note how look away from each other and then back with intense eye contact.
They will stare at each other during the up and down motions of the necks and will sometimes raise both heads together at the same time to look at each other with sideways glances as they turn their heads from side to side.
Now, let's pivot back to Bridgerton -- and to another couple. In 2x05, Anthony and Kate’s pivotal dance when they can no longer ignore their feelings for one another resembles the courting dance of swans, with their arms interconnected and circling around another. While one could say that’s true of most dancing, this one is particularly striking, and perhaps it's when Anthony drops his rakishness or ability to think about others and starts to accept his committed, swan nature (though it takes him some time). You can also see echoes of the swan mating dance in how they pass one another side-by-side in Simon & Daphne's dance when they're truly in love, though the Kate/Anthony dance is much clearer.
The closest we’ve seen to Colin and Pen dance like this is 2x08, yet that dance is much more tentative than Kate and Anthony’s, and only bears a very faint resemblance to the swan mating dance. They make eye contact, but it is not intense or focused. Colin also refers to her as "Penelope", not "Pen," during that dance, and they barely touch. Distance is implied in multiple ways. But back to the topic of this post, one has to wonder whether we’ll see Colin and Pen dance in a way similar to a swan mating dance in Part 2.
Swan mating rituals
Now we're going to dive a bit deep in terms of parallels between swans and intimacy. Yes, this is completely fucking unhinged on an already unhinged post. I’m sorry if you will never be able to look at swans the same again.
  • Swans will keep intense eye contact during courting and mating. Yup, check.
  • While mating for most birds lasts only a few seconds, for swans it can be at least 20 minutes if not up to an hour. Seems fitting given the mentions of a 10-minute long intimacy scene in Episode 5!
  • Right before swans engage in the act, the male swan will drape his neck over the female swan’s. We seem to be getting hints of this in the trailer, with Colin standing behind her in the mirror.
  • We're going to skip over specifics of swan sex positions. That would simply be too unhinged.
  • Right after mating, swans stay close together and echo the head turning/tilting of the courting ritual. We get a glimpse of this after the carriage scene is interrupted, and one can hope this means we get lots of after-sex cuddling. If not, it’s totally in headcanon now.
  • After mating, swans will clean one another. We can see this in how Colin lovingly puts Pen’s dress and hair back in place before straightening his own clothes in the carriage scene.
  • Swans also tend to mate many more times than is necessary in order to fertilize eggs. Based on this, and based on what we’ve heard about Part 2, we’re probably going to see this parallel, too.
  • Male swans eagerly build a nest once they’ve decided to mate. This matches what we’ve heard about Colin quickly buying a house for him and Pen.
  • Swan couples that are new to a territory/nest usually don’t lay any eggs for the first year, so maybe they’ll wait a bit before having children. But that seems unlikely with these two given that birth control didn’t exist…

Looking forward

Given that swans mate for life, we can be guaranteed a happy ending here.
As the show goes on, one can predict that swans will represent the two of them in various ways, and that we might expect to see swan motifs in the decoration of their new home. (In the Part 2 trailer, in the wedding scene, the walls are decorated with a swan motif.)
https://preview.redd.it/yhtphnem1j5d1.png?width=2436&format=png&auto=webp&s=3dab8825cccd5db6cd6c8f35c1f9f8605a4e68b1
In terms of children, swans keep their children close to them during their early life. We therefore might be able to predict that both Colin and Pen will likely be very attached to their children, and we will be unlikely to see them without their children once their children are in the picture. Even though Colin loves to travel, we could also predict he’ll quickly want to settle down and delight in being at home with their children, just like a swan.
Since male swans actively participate in child rearing, we also hope we’ll get to see lots of heart-warmingly adorable scenes of Colin bouncing their babies on his knees and taking care of them in future seasons. Maybe we’ll be lucky and even get a Regency-ified version of baby wearing with Colin wearing their baby wrapped around him with a shawl!

Bonus: Press tour Easter eggs!

In the Netflix India Bollywood/Bridgerton video, Luke wore a duck sweater. u/sc127's read on this:
Black Swan theory regarding Nicola's outfit: Do you think it's alluding to Colin and Pen getting married? In the eyes of the Ton, they would consider the Polin relationship as a Black Swan. It fits the criteria of being a surprise, having a major effect, and can be rationalized in hindsight.
Pink Ducks on Luke: I think the symbolism is more straight forward compared to Nicola's outfit. Pink is Pen's favorite color and it is the Bridgerton color of first love. Colin is in love with a duck named Pen :)
https://preview.redd.it/mrxy2a7v1j5d1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=2c4d919cbd7c18dab681e5516098c540e7d79b12
submitted by lemonsaltwater to PolinBridgerton [link] [comments]


2024.06.09 13:00 hexagonalteeze22 My younger gen z sisters called me homophobic

We were having a discussion about older LGBTQ people’s experiences back in the day and the challenges they faced vs. today’s younger “queers”. I argued that the experiences of the younger gen z queers is not even close to the same as what the older generations went through. Being gay, queer, trans, what have you, is much more socially accepted now - there are so many more resources and LGBTQIA safe spaces, media representation and inclusion, pronouns being commonplace in the workplace and academia, etc. They said I can’t speak for everyone’s experience, which is true, I am generalizing. My sister mentioned recently there’s been talk in government about banning same-sex marriage or state laws banning drag shows, or whatever. To that I said that’s the consequence of shoving things like pride and trans rights and queer safe spaces BS down everyone’s throats for the last 10 years. I also said all these young queers (we were talking about a specific group of people at a performance we just went to) often seem self-victimizing, self-serving, and self-indulgent. Later they said I was homophobic, to which I said I don’t hate gay people, I just don’t like annoying people regardless if they’re gay or not. I left the family function feeling guilty, like my little sisters see me as some intolerable conservative millennial or something. Obviously I love the gays, my best friend since middle school is gay. I have a bachelor’s degree in sociology god damn it lol. Oh well.
submitted by hexagonalteeze22 to rspod [link] [comments]


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