Hi,
I am currently interning with a small product company, and now they want me to stay till my graduation (end of the year) and then potentially (most likely) convert into FT.
I have an offer from Accenture, and when we started interviewing I said that I am only interested in positions that will last till my graduation with no gaps, and that have the conversion option. They said this is what they are looking for.
Basically I am currently Gen AI intern with a lot of SWE work, and from the interviews with Accenture, this is exactly what I should expect there as well (from their words). I am happy with that option.
The pay is marginally higher at Accenture, and also my current company is not well ranked on Glassdoor and places like that for a lower pay and bad wlb.
I wouldn't say that so far I've experienced that severely, my manager can casually text me during the weekends, but for the most part right now it's rather no work to do, and I have to improvise, to keep myself busy. The pay is somewhat below the market for the role, and I had a better offer, but the location was worse, so I stayed.
Ultimately, I would love to get a good name on my resume now, and potentially even stick with the company for couple years after graduation. And I understand that my current company is not very appealing in this aspect.
Accenture is a good name AFAIK, they pay better but this is a consultancy where you are just a number... This is a Gen AI role, and I might be dumb for not interpreting that well, but to me a consultancy is like grinding through a ton of excel sheets and writing reports (please correct me if I am wrong). If this is possible that would have to review other's people code to tell if they manipulate pandas or sql well - then I am 100% out.
It might be my skewed perception, but at the current company (given that it is pretty small) I feel somewhat valued, because I really make some positive impact. And this is important because I need sponsorship, and you are safer in this regard when you have connections, while in the giant like Accenture I will be just a number, which can be replaced with local talent...
TL;DR

• Better pay and better company name, Gen AI intern + conversion option at Accenture (not sure that Gen AI here is really writing code and training models, and not reviewing someone else's code and manipulating excels)

vs

• Lower pay, weird wlb, Gen AI intern + [almost guaranteed] conversion option at a small Company with good connections

Ok so to understand you need to hear the backstory first for the whole picture: Its long sorry but thank you
So, I had been seeing this girl for about 4 months friends for 2 months and dating for 2, good girl I've met in a fat while lol met her family and everything and she met mine. After Valentines the next week we have another small mini date were we went to the mall and gas station and went to a park in the afternoon. Next day she text and I text All fine. Like 4-5 days pass and we haven't texted or called and I wonder if she's ok? so I call her and doesn't answer that night. 2 hours later she posts she's overthinking and posting about it on Instagram notes. I texted her asking what was wrong, but she brushed it off, saying it was just a silly text, which I knew wasn't true. 2 days later I text her saying if she's eaten since she sometimes does eat cause of school and work are so close time wise and takes longer to respond than usual which I found odd.. but thought nothing of it. 3 days later she calls me to play Stardew valley so, we played Stardew Valley, and afterward, she posted again on IG, saying, "I just don't know anymore." I told her we needed to meet and talk but kinda said separate cars since idk why I had a bad feeling (Her friend and her question why i am not picking her up- she told me).
We met up and talked. At first, she tried to change the subject, but I persisted. Finally, she said she didn't know how if she could add me to her life because of school, family, and friends which i sort of understood but the way she said it felt like she saw me as an obstacle so i asked and she said no and so I let her talk more. After hearing her talk I had to ask her how she'd feel if I just left or vanished, and she immediately said she wouldn't care, which stung. A few seconds (like 2-5 sec) later, she corrected herself, saying she would care. I asked if she wanted to continue what we had or just be friends. She implied friends with benefits because she said friends as in how?, but I told her we would be just friends, nothing more most il do is probably a hug, and she agreed. She also told me not to wait for her and mentioned that I shouldn't have left her alone for too long. She asked me to ignore any texts or calls from her later that night(got a can i take it back it was a mistake IG note that night). She also mentioned how she hoped it ended with like making out and stuff I think she meant make up but man after everything she said u know it hurt and to throw away the letter she gave me and (believe said delete pictures i forgot) plus she said she now wont be able to show off her lipstick. . Despite everything, I gave her a birthday gift and a final kiss since her birthday was coming up. (fyi she was on and off about the kiss we we were talking when i mention no more kissing when i drew the line but did offer a final one which she took here) (Ended on good terms)
The next day, I couldn't get our conversation out of my head. It hurt, so I decided, with the help of God, to break it off. Something was telling me it was for the best. I told her I hoped she found someone who could truly make her happy and wished her the best and a sappy speech (not gunna say lol). She cried and thanked me.
The next day, she sent me an apology, saying she didn't want me to deal with her bipolar disorder and her changing feelings about me every day. She said she wouldn't regret being with me and would respect it if I did not be friends and she truly still cares for me and maybe it was for the better. A few days later, I saw her IG notes saying how she hated being bipolar and how "love isn't real (for some)." It didn't make sense to me, but I ignored it. Also she said how she cold now at night cause apparently she has no heater on IG Notes so I texted her saying if she wanted my jacket back since it was very wooly and told her I didn't want to to suffer in the cold for something trivial and she could have it. She replied no it's fine and it's mine anyways. So I left it at that
We became friends again a few days later iniciated by me. She asked me to call her on IG notes. I said I would call at 10, and then she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore. It seemed like she wanted to get something off her chest, but she said no not really. When I called, she hung up and told me "beg" on IG notes. I said just no, and she responded by saying, "your no fun" (I said "ok...and") and "You're just so cute, I can't stay mad at you," and "your warmth is incomparable." I felt like I was being played with, so I ignored it.
We sent each other a few reels on Instagram, but at the end of the month, I went to the store where she works. I sort of ignored her because she looked busy handling pallets. She posted on IG notes, "Not even a hello???" I told her she looked busy. A few days later, I went back to the store for snacks for an upcoming road trip. She approached me to say hi, and we looked at each other awkwardly. Two guys started talking to me, and she walked away. When I was done I went looking for her at her department continue talking but she went in and then left. Later, I texted her saying I wanted to say hi but those guys interrupted she asked if I had her phone number I said yea (I didn't lol) but told her idk what to say to you anymore💀 and so I asked if she wanted to continue playing Stardew Valley, but she said she was busy all day tomorrow so i left it at that. Then, she posted on IG, "I have a stalker," which felt like it was toward me
I waited until the next morning, still up so unfollowed her, and went on my trip. Two days later, she liked my pictures with me in it from the trip. And I'm so confused
We also talked about making it official and what not but she said it can't be in this specific month cause it's her birthday month which was kinda weird cause I haven't heard anyone say that but I said ok.. and then there was one instance where she said she can claim me as hers but I can't claim her as mine which made no sense she said it's a girl thing... Which was odd... But This was before the whole thing happened IK i wasnt perfect either but i did attempt to fix some of my flaws

While more time passes post-halving, Bitcoin appears to be coiling up and global liquidity is becoming more favorable... this means that we are looking at another leg up soon for the whole market.
There's no doubt that risk-on assets will be flush with more liquidity soon and there's no better place for newbies to put their money then meme coins... and it's important that we always keep our eyes open and recognize which memes stand out from the rest.
Listen folks, not all memes are created equal. Lower quality memes and metas with temporary attention are always going to have higher risk and lower downside.
...And when it comes to downside risk, all coins are different. The highest quality memes are ones that are timeless, funny, and aren't tied to arbitrary devs, dates, or people
The next round for highest quality memes is coming and Monkey Haircut is considered to be a meme GOD... OG memes will ALWAYS get multiple rounds... And the community for monkey haircut is known for its legendary resilience for a reason. Monk just isn't going away. Some memes have staying power and will forever be cemented in internet infamy. What you need to know is that Monkey haircut is forEVER.
In addition to the quality memes, there are many factors that make the coin favorable from a meme marketing perspective.
In the long term, Monkey Haircut is an ideal candidate for mainstream crypto adoption. It has a unique name and recognizable history... And while it is recognizable by many, it can be appreciated by anyone at any point. I call this the "love at first sight" effect. In other words, it's goofiness is timeless and not attached to some media reference like a show, activity, celebrity, or videogame. Everyone loves monkeys and they are beloved around the WORLD. U aren't limited to some specific media niche from one country or culture... It has timeless international interest.
For instance not everyone even knows of the celebrities that meme coins are being made for. This is a natural limiting factor when it comes to adoption and staying power.
When it comes to future placement on REAL exchanges... It isn't favorable from a big business perspective to adopt a coin that is centralized or controversial. MONK isnt inherently controversial or offensive... Sexual, racist, or politically divisive coins always hit a ceiling due to this.
There is no inherent copyright infringement going on with monkey haircut. While monkey is often posing with celebrities, MONK is not INHERENTLY tied at the hip or relient on some celebrity or proprietary graphics and we aren't on a head on collision course for a future lawsuit. Even if there was, the dev is out of the picture and the coin is decentralized. This is a true community coin.
From a business perspective this is an ideal small cap coin to get in to because it ISNT going away anytime soon (we have many soldiers) but it also has a SKY HIGH upside and is inviting to newbies and normies.
This coin has a the recipe for top 100 attention and in my opinion it is just a matter of time.
THIS my friends, is part of the value proposition of our dear, Monkey Haircut 💈
Remember... Don't fade the fade 🐒 ✂️

Lydia awoke with Waldo screaming. Lydia quickly got up and activated the magic stones lighting the room, Lydia did not see a reason for him to be screaming and was about to wake him when he went quiet. Lydia wondered what had happened and as she watched him she became concerned he was not breathing but just as she was about to shake him away he started breathing again then he began to weep in his sleep saying “I would take it back if I could. I did not know what it meant. Please, I never meant for this.” Lydia watched over him for several minutes as he repeated this over and over. Lydia did not know why but after a while she embraced him gently.
“It is ok. We all make mistakes.” Lydia said quietly holding him. She did not entirely know why she chose to do this as she felt some concern over what he was apologizing for having done but something made her decide to stay with him. Eventually, he stopped and started sleeping peacefully. Lydia slowly fell back to sleep after he quieted and returned to a peaceful state.
Lydia awoke again with Waldo sitting dressed on the edge of the bed. “Good Morning.”
“Good Morning.” Waldo replied, turning to Lydia. “Sorry, if I woke you in the night. I do not always sleep well.”
“I can understand that. It took almost a year before I could sleep through the night.” Lydia replied.
“I brought breakfast up. Kna mentioned I screamed in the middle of the night. I rarely have a companion… So I did not know. I guess I was extra loud last night. I woke some other patrons.” Waldo said calmly. Lydia climbed out of bed and dressed herself as Waldo watched her but when she looked at him she felt he was lost in his own mind.
"Copper for your thoughts.” Lydia said as she started to lace up her dress. Waldo walked over to her and helped her.
“I thought I knew who I was…but I remembered things last night…” Waldo said hollowly. “I don’t know what I was fighting for… All that time as a soldier and now I remembered… what I learned before arriving here and it isn’t what I thought.”
“Do you want to elaborate?” Lydia asked.
“I am not sure I know how.” Waldo said and there was silence for a moment.
“Well, maybe you should stay here if you don’t know why you were fighting. At least, until you figure out what you want.” Lydia said and feeling better about what she had heard last night she kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thank you. I would stay for breakfast but I need to get to work.” Lydia said, grabbing a piece of bread with an egg off the plate.
“Have a nice day and I hope to see you later.” Waldo said, as she headed toward the door.
“Good luck today!” Lydia said, smiling and left. Waldo collected several things from his pack then stored it under the bed and took the plate of food to the common room where he ate slowly. Waldo noticed that Lydia was not in the common room as he ate breakfast. Waldo did not have to wait long after finishing his breakfast before Strisk arrived.
“Good Morning!” Strisk waved at Waldo moving across the common room.
“Greetings Strisk.” Waldo replied standing and moving to meet him.
“Are you ready to go down to the training grounds?” Strisk asked.
“Yeah, let’s head out.” Waldo said, motioning for Strisk to lead the way.
“Are you in a hurry?” Strisk asked, leading Waldo out.
“No, nothing like that just…” Waldo stopped in the door exiting the inn as he looked out into the city. Waldo had expected Protham to be small but realized it had been dark when he arrived and late that is why he had not realized how expansive it was. Waldo saw a wall sixty or seventy feet tall. Waldo stepped into the street and could see a gate two hundred or so feet down the road in one direction and in the other there was what appeared to be a small square. “How big is Protham?”
“It is just a small village, only five thousand or so. Most people are employed in fishing the lake or harvesting trees.” Strisk replied. “The gnolls recently opened a college here… Something about ley lines and increased power, but that is not my expertise.”
“I am surprised they even care about the ley line. The planet is so saturated with magic I would have thought everyone can easily use it.” Waldo responded.
“I wouldn’t know about that. Are you a mage?” Strisk asked.
“I cannot use magic… I can still feel it pooling.” Waldo said, wondering why he could feel it still since he now knew he could not use it. “It must be something to do with the leveling. I wonder if there is a construct powering the whole system.”
“You are suggesting a magic artifact causes people to level?”Strisk asked, shocked at the strangeness of the idea.
“Um… So I assume it is a mage college of some kind they opened?” Waldo asked, trying to change topics.
“Yeah. I would have suggested going and seeing the head there about your teleporting but from what I have heard they see almost no one who isn’t a student.” Strisk said, starting to walk down the street. Waldo followed, taking in the people and the streets. Waldo noticed most people were gnollish he saw drakes as well but it seemed to be ten to one.
“Lydia said you are a Drake. I have never learned to identify the scaled races apart from one another. It appears that Protham is mostly gnolls and Drakes. What makes a drake a drake and not say a lizardfolk?” Waldo asked, carefully.
“Lydia is right. I am a Drake. Lizardfolk always have tails. Drakes rarely have tails and those that do have a tail almost always have wings. That is usually the easiest way to tell us apart but it is more nuanced. A healthy Drake’s scales are vibrant, we stand out. A healthy lizardfolk has duller scales. Drakes can have horns or spikes across their head and back but never hair. Lizardfolk never have horns but can grow spikes. Usually they grow something more like a fin, which can be over their head or even down their chin to their chest. All the facial features are nuanced except the eye. Drake’s eyes face forward. Lizardfolk’s eyes face out enough to easily tell if you look at them.” Strisk explained calmly. “Kobolds are short but look like Drakes with a tail and all the other scaled races have gills.”
“Thank you. I realize that might have been rude to ask but I assume it is ruder to make a mistake.” Waldo said as they continued to make their way through the mostly empty streets.
“Most drakes consider it the pinnacle of rudeness to mistake us for the lizardfolk. Well the lizardfolk seem indifferent. I once saw a short Lizardman get mistaken for a Kobold and they laughed about it. Well a few days ago I had to break up a bar fight cause a gnoll called a drake a lizard.” Strisk said. “My people need to calm down about being mistaken for another race. Most cannot even tell the other races apart. No offense, but I assume you are a human because Lydia is one without looking at your ears, which are currently covered by your hair you could pass for an elf in my eyes and if you told me you were a dwarf I would believe it… even though, I think you are too tall to be a dwarf.” Waldo laughed at Strisk’s words.
“An elf you say?” Waldo said, smiling and moving his hair from over his ears. “I am a human. However, I can understand the confusion. Even among humans it is possible for some to mistake another human as one of our kin races.”
“Kin race?” Strisk asked.
“Yes, races that share certain broad features and where half races are possible.” Waldo said.
“Then would Drakes not be a Kin race.” Strisk asked.
“You ever seen a half human and half drake?” Waldo asked.
“Well no, but I was told it was possible.” Strisk said, wondering.
“Possible for our race's women’s bodies to respond as if they are creating a blend. However, it is largely my understanding no blend has survived birth. Maybe one is out there but largely our internal anatomy; bone structure, organ placement, organs in general, and finer points don’t blend into something that survives birth if a pregnancy occurs which to my knowledge is extremely rare and usually it is a half race not a full where that can occur according to one report I read most mothers die in labor if they carry the blend to term and the child still dies.” Waldo said calmly. Strisk stopped.
“How do you know this?” Strisk asked. Waldo thought about it for a moment. Realizing he did not know how to explain having millions of years of knowledge on hand a little surprised he had so easily recalled something from another life. As he thought about it he wondered how he could so easily access it. Then he knew. Four of his prior selves had learned to build a mind palace. When the Orc had implanted all the memories, those four had combined their knowledge and laid out everything, which made him wonder how he knew about the interbreeding of humans and drakes, which brought forth the memories of four doctors. One of which was drake. Strisk watched as Waldo stared off into the distance. Suddenly, Waldo went pale and threw up in the street. “What the hell?” Strisk said, jumping back to avoid getting splattered.
“Sorry.” Waldo said, feeling queasy. Waldo pushed the doctor’s memories away realizing he was not ready to go exploring all the memories aimlessly. Waldo pulled out his hip canteen and washed his mouth out. Spitting the water down a nearby drain “Damn. I was hoping to not have to eat until dinner. I assume the interview will have a combat skills test?” Waldo asked, looking at Strisk.
“Well yes, but what was that?” Strisk asked, feeling the response was unjustified for his question.
“Oh, right, your question. Um… I went to a memory I should have left alone. I was thinking about my time studying… when I strayed into an incident.” Waldo said, trying to explain without lying.
“An incident?” Strisk asked.
“I expect there are things you have seen as a city guard you would rather not remember.” Waldo replied, carefully.
“Oh… you mean something like that. I can understand that. Let’s continue on. Just another block or so.” Strisk said, letting Waldo follow him. Neither said anything until they got to the city's barracks. They had crossed near the center of town and were now at a lakeside gate that had a training arena with a large gatehouse next to it.
“How many positions is the guard filling?” Waldo asked as they approached the building.
“We are adding five new full time positions in hope of growth due to the mage college, three part time, and around fifty new reservists.” Strisk said and then opened the gatehouse’s front door.
“Good Morning, Strisk!” A female voice behind the counter greeted as they entered.
“Good Morning, Violet.” Strisk replied. “Is Trag in?”
“Yes, he got in a bit ago and…Who are you?” Violet asked, staring at Waldo as he entered the gatehouse.
“Waldo Winter.” Waldo said, step into the room and bowing slightly to the human girl behind the counter.
“He is with me. Violet. He arrived in town last night under strange circumstances.” Strisk said.
“Is he why you are meeting with Trag this early?” Violet asked, keeping her eyes on Waldo. “Is he a criminal?”
“Yes to the meeting with Trag and not as far as I am aware. You haven’t done anything illegal have you?” Strisk asked, grinning Waldo.
“Admittedly, I have not read your legal code, but assuming it follows traditional patterns of legal codes for structured societies. Not in this city. At least, I very much doubt I have.” Waldo said, smiling lightly at Violet.
“What are you doing here then?” Violet asked.
“Apart from identifying myself to local authorities due to the strange way I arrived. Hopefully, applying for a job.” Waldo stated. Violet frowned.
“Are you applying for citizenship in Protham or just submitting notice of intent to work in Protham?” Violet asked.
“Notice of intent to work, at this time.” Waldo replied, moving up to the desk as Strisk stepped away. Violet handed him a sheet of paper and pulled out a second enchanted page.
“Good luck finding work here. There are not many jobs outside of scribe, barworker, or general laborer for humans in Protham. The Drakes and Gnolls are larger and stronger than humans naturally and they are basically hiring enforcers right now.” Violet whispered to Waldo. “Where are you staying?”
“The Spriggan Inn.” Waldo said, looking at the form, surprised he could read it. As he started to fill out the form he remembered a passage about grown arrivals passing between world and being gifted languages of the worlds they arrived on from death. Waldo tried to remember the author's reasoning for the gift but could not. Waldo wished he had learned written gnollish languages but had only learned their spoken languages.
“How did you come to be there?” Violet said, showing surprise.
“Long story short…Some sort of teleportation accident.” Waldo answered, focused on completing the form.
“Wow… Lucky.” Violet said, thinking it strange he appeared in the only inn with a human working in it in Protham.
“Yes, but I suspect there is a good reason for that.” Waldo said, handing her the completed form.
“You how to read Grofeas gnoll?” Strisk asked, looking at Waldo holding the form out to Violet. “You said you had not heard of this country last night.” Violet took the form looking suspiciously at Waldo.
"No, I am familiar with other gnollish written languages and this is close enough to them that I guessed. Please check that and make sure my responses make sense.” Waldo said, looking at Violet. Waldo smiled at his omission. He was familiar with several gnoll written languages and had learned a few key words like bathroom, food, and price but had not even memorized their alphabet. Violet started to look over the document carefully. Waldo noticed the enchanted page on the desk had a picture of his face on it now with a list of several things about him, such as height, an approximate weight, and the like. Waldo heard a low growl with several inflections. Waldo looked at the gnoll standing by Strisk.
“Would you mind repeating that? I am not sure I quite heard what you said, because I thought you called me a fur lover.” Waldo said, looking narrowly at the gnoll. The gnoll made several more growls at Waldo. The gnoll had reddish brown fur and stood a little shorter than Strisk. Waldo thought the gnoll would probably be considered extremely handsome among gnolls. He was well groomed and clearly muscled under the fur. He even wore a steel breastplate that was polished to a shine. Waldo saw a stamp over his right peck that appeared to be a runic enchantment.
“Because I am not. I learned it at the time because my life depended on it. The gnolls I met were not as affluent as you are here and only knew one language. Their own. I had to learn it or live without speaking. Their treatment of me would have killed me if I had not learned their language. They knew next to nothing of humans and were a tribe secluded in the mountains. They meant well, but due to the harsh circumstances of the location I was slowly dying from starvation and exposure. It took four weeks to learn enough for rough communication after which I found them to be extremely friendly and curious. I spent two years with that tribe before making contact with a human settlement in the area. I managed to broker a peace there because I learned gnollish. So I continued my education and have since learned various spoken dialects.” Waldo responded to the newcomers' growls calmly.
“Why don’t you respond in gnollish?” The gnoll asked, changing languages. Waldo growled back in several inflections and moved a hand. Violet had noticed hand movements when gnolls growled and never associated it with them speaking but Waldo’s movements were so pronounced she realized it had to be part of the gnollish language. “Fair enough. I am Captain Trag. Strisk says you are a soldier.”
“Wait what did you say?” Violet asked Waldo.
“Violet. Don’t be rude.” Strisk chided, curious himself but having held himself back.
“I am sorry. I have just never seen a non-gnoll speak gnollish” Violet said, almost involuntarily. Trag slapped Strisk across the back of the head.
“Strisk, she is our scribe, do not order her around.” Trag said, smiling. Waldo got the sense that Trag did not like Strisk.
“I explained human throats are not well formed for the gnollish language, which hurts my throat the more I speak it and makes my accompanying hand movements more pronounced than is proper.” Waldo explained to Violet.
“Can you teach me?” Violet asked, seeing how beneficial it would be to know gnollish in her job.
“We can talk after the interview.” Waldo said, smiling at Violet.
“Right, sorry. Thank you.” Violet replied looking over at Trag apologetically.
“Excuse me for interrupting your conversation Violet. I will make sure to send Waldo back once we are done.” Trag said, smiling at Violet then turning to Waldo. “What level of soldier are you? Or is it some other fighting class?”
“I don’t have any levels in fighting classes.” Waldo replied.
“And you want to be a city guard?” Trag said looking angrily at Strisk who looked at Waldo surprised.
“Wait, are you a medic of somekind?” Strisk asked, remembering the other night.
“No, just give me a chance. We should go to the training ground if combat assessment is to be a large part of this process.” Waldo stated, a little surprised they had started asking questions in the entrance.
“It is. We can train you in Protham legal code, but we rarely do combat training for our guards; most people come to us with twenty or more levels in a combat class, when they are applying to be a guard.” Trag stated, as Waldo opened the door.
“Where I come from people do not rely on the leveling systems for combat training.” Waldo started walking to the training grounds as Trag and Strisk followed.
“Where are you from?” Trag asked.
“Halcyon. Heard of it?” Waldo asked, knowing the reply.
“Nope.” Trag replied, thinking this human could never keep up with a gnoll or drake in a fight. “What are you wearing?” Trag asked, no longer able to hold back the question as the human looked very strange to him.
“Desert Armored Combat Fatigues, my throwing knives, combat knife, an assortment of tools I have found useful over the years, and a magic sling.” Waldo said, touching different things on his body. “The armor is stab resistant and there are several metal plates spread out in the fabric. If I get the job I would like to wear this until I can afford to get some locally made gear.”
“A magic sling?” Trag asked.
“Yeah, but I have limited ammo for it. It only works with special magic ammo and I doubt you have that here.” Waldo replied.
“Have you heard of a magic sling Strisk?” Trag asked.
“No, that is new to me.” Strisk replied. “I thought you could not use magic.”
“I cannot not cast a magic spell but this is an artifact. I could teach anyone to use it. If I had unlimited ammo or access to a bullet manufacturer I would be happy to show it off but I only have ninety rounds for it.” Waldo explained.
“How long have you been a soldier?” Trag asked, Waldo had seen himself in a mirror and knew they would not believe the truth. Waldo looked like he was in his prime but Halcyon slowed aging massively Waldo was older than any human got to normally and he was still unsure if he had died or Death’s healing had further reduced the effects of aging.
“Nine years.” Waldo replied, pushing it as far as he thought he could. Waldo had put his age down as twenty nine on the form, but knew he looked closer to twenty now. “I expect I will be sparing with one of you?”
“No, we are waiting for your sparring partners. I sent for two reservists. They generally are not needed for regular guard shifts and if they are injured it should not interfere with their regular jobs.” Trag stated, show us how good you are with throwing knives.
“Alright.” Waldo said, pulling four of the weighted knives from their sheaths. Waldo carried twelve in all. Four on his left leg, two on each arm and four on his chest. Waldo started by juggling the knives as he moved into position to throw them. Waldo smoothly plucked them out of the air as he was juggling them and launched them one after another in quick succession down the lane, with the knives sinking deep into the wooden target in a tight group.
“For having no skills that is pretty good. Now for the moving targets.” Trag said, with Waldo looking back at him as he pressed a button. Waldo watched as the targets began to move side to side. Waldo could tell this was intended for arrows as the range was longer than he would usually throw when it came to moving targets.
“May I move up or do you want me to throw from here?” Waldo asked.
“Tark throws from there.” Trag replied, Waldo grabbed two more knives, throwing them half a second after looking back at the target. Both landed bullseyes but Waldo could feel the strain on his muscles. He was not used to this distance. Waldo pulled two more and turned his back to the targets. Waldo slowly strafed toward the center of the range as he had started to the right side. After a moment making sure to give the targets time to move he spun around and with one hand launched both knives. One landed in a bullseye, but the other fell short. Waldo turned his back to the targets and drew all of his remaining knives placing them at the ready in one hand. Waldo turned and threw three and turned back around quickly. He heard 2 thuds and one that was a clang. He was not sure what the third had hit. Waldo spun around and sent his final knife down the lane hitting another bullseye. The three quick throws were not bullseyes but they had all hit targets.
“That is all the throwing knives I carry.” Waldo said. “Shall I collect them?”
“No, Strisk go get the knives and report back on how deep they are.” Trag said, turning the moving targets off. Waldo moved over to Trag as Strisk retrieved the knives. “Only one complete miss, that is not bad. If you are hired then we are gonna have to replace the knives with some weighted rods. We can issue you some bolas while on duty. Unless a kill order is issued, but most the time we will expect people to be taken alive.”
“Understandable. What is a bolas?” Waldo asked.
“It is three pieces of rope tied to each other on one end and has a weight on the other side. When throwing it, the intent is to hit a person's legs and if it works correctly it will wrap around a fleeing person’s legs and trip them. In town it can be tricky to use and for people they have lighter weights. It was originally used to hunt various animals on the plains. If the weights are too heavy they can break bones.” Trag said, explained. “What class are you?”
Waldo had been preparing for this question since they had asked him earlier. “Diplomat.” Waldo replied.
“You have no levels in a combat class but you are a diplomat as a soldier?” Trag questioned.
“When I use skills from it as a soldier it is generally in interrogations, but my personal goal was to try and find less violent solutions to my nation's disputes. So, I ended up becoming a diplomat. The times I acted in that capacity I was glad to have trained as a soldier. Few people seem to want peaceful resolutions. So as a diplomat I have often been met with violence.” Waldo explained twisting the truth. They stood in silence as they waited for Strisk to finish retrieving the knives. Strisk handed Waldo eleven of the knives and Trag one of the knives.
“Six perfect hits. Three near perfects. Two hits. One miss. Ten hits were all very deep. The one that made the clang hit a metal frame holding the target. It dented the metal and chipped his knife.” Strisk reported as Waldo sheathed the eleven knives he had been handed. Waldo looked at Trag just in time to catch his face returning to a neutral state after what Waldo believed to be a frown.
“How is your hand to hand combat proficiency?”Trag asked.
“I am an expert with a knife, however, I could easily swap it out for a padded baton. It would be harder on me, but I am sure I can hold my own.” Waldo said, showing the knife sheathed across his lower back and trying to determine Trag’s mood. Trag examined the knife and could see it was custom made for Waldo and well used.
“Strisk, you are good to go on patrol. Your partner should be ready about now.” Trag said, with a hint of sadness.
“I was hoping to stay and see him fight the reservists.” Strisk said, a little excited and as Strisk said that it clicked for Waldo.
“No one is coming. To test my combat proficiency.” Waldo said, calmly. “Sorry, Strisk. I should have known better.”
“We should go to my office and talk.” Trag said and handed Waldo the chipped knife Strisk had handed him.
“Wait, why?” Strisk asked, Trag.
“Politics, Strisk. Guardsmen are just a little political, which means Trag cannot hire another human. Especially, not in a citizen-facing role.” Waldo said, with a smile. “Am I right?”
“Violet, is our scribe. Citizen’s see her.” Strisk said looking confused.
“Violet is my scribe. She assists with filing and compiling guardsmen reports. She has only covered the front desk on a few occasions and usually it is to give another scribe a break or chance to go to the bathroom.” Trag stated.
“Strisk, thank you for introducing me to Captain Trag. I truly appreciate this opportunity. I would be happy to speak to you in your office Trag.” Waldo said, smiling at both of them.
“Sorry, Waldo… I didn’t realize.” Strisk said dejectly. Waldo laughed lightly.
“You have done no harm at all and even helped me file documents I needed to in order to stay. You introduced me to your Captain. Strisk, you have been nothing but helpful. Please do not feel sorry.” Waldo said, smiling at Strisk.
“Thanks, I guess I should get going.” Strisk said, clearly feeling better. “Sir. Waldo.” Strisk said, nodding his head to each of them and leaving. Trag started heading towards the guard house and motioned for Waldo to follow, which Waldo did in silence. Trag opened the door and sure enough Violet was no longer at the front desk. There was a male Drake scribe sitting behind the counter.
“Sir.” The drake said, standing up to greet them. Trag waved his hand and the drake sat back down. Waldo followed him up a set of stairs and down a hall to an open room with three scribes working on various documents on a table big enough for four, one of which was Violet.
“Your morning report sir.” A female gnoll scribe said, smiling at Trag and holding a folder. She noticed Waldo and her demeanor changed slightly. She glanced at Violet as Trag grabbed the folder.
“Thank you. I have a meeting for a few minutes. Is there anything urgent?” Trag gestured at Waldo. The scribes all looked up and gave a negative nod. “If needed you may interrupt us.” Trag said, opening his office door and leading Waldo into his office. It was a plain room. There were several chairs facing the back of the room with a large desk and chair behind it facing the door. There were two sturdy looking bookcases organized with an assortment of documents. The room was clean and orderly. A couch sat against one wall with a window behind it that had shutters and Waldo noticed a plain axe with a rope next to it leaning against a bookcase. “Please take a seat.” Trag said, opening the folder as he moved around the desk and sat down. Waldo sat across from him. They sat in silence as Trag read over a few reports. “Thank you for your patience.” Trag said look up from the report.
“Anything important?” Waldo asked.
“No, just the normal going on. Except for you of course.” Trag said.
“Yeah, I made a surprising entrance last night.” Waldo agreed.
“Teleportation has a tendency to create some alerts. If Strisk had not reported your arrival last night, the guard may have interrupted your welcome to our fine city.” Trag replied.
“That report is more thorough than I would have liked.” Waldo stated.
“Kna is a friend and Aer is a gossip.” Trag replied.
“I should have waited in the common room. We could have talked last night.” Waldo guessed.
“Doubtful, but I would have known your face this morning if you had.” Trag stated.
“I had hoped this was an offer for contract work of some kind.” Waldo said, frowning slightly.
“It still might be. I have not determined what to do about you.” Trag replied.
“Oh, well is there something you would like cleared up?” Waldo asked, smiling.
“Kna is worried about one of her barmaids. Aer has never seen her friend respond so positively to someone so quickly.” Trag stated, calmly. Waldo knew they were straying into dangerous territory.
“I have never responded to another human as positively.” Waldo replied, honestly.
“Just two soulmates meeting for the first time?” Trag asked, Waldo jerked in surprise at the word reacting before he could stop himself. Waldo realized Trag did not mean it the way he had taken it but it was too late. Trag had been watching him closely and was now looking unsure at Waldo. “I think you have some explaining to do.” Trag said, prepared to strike. Waldo leaned forward and placed his head in his hand dropping his show.
“This cannot under any circumstances leave this room. If you have listeners they need to stop. If you have a way to make the room secure. I will tell you enough to know why.” Waldo said, unsure of what would happen next.
“What, so can you kill me in silence?” Trag asked, feeling concerned about this stranger's response.
“If you want to tie me up feel free, but I am not talking until I am confident the secret won’t leave this room.” Waldo said, sitting back and calming his nerves. Waldo was trying to figure out how to explain this with as little lying as possible. Waldo wondered if he could avoid lying all together. Trag hesitated for a minute then opened a drawer and pulled out a small box. Trag said a command word under his breath and the box activated.
“Alright, we are alone and no one can see or hear us. This better be good or I won’t keep your secret.” Trag said.
“Have you ever been in love so much it hurt your soul?” Waldo asked.
“What?” Trag asked, surprised.
“I have. If I had understood this was possible. If I had known. I would have done so many things differently.” Waldo said, deciding to be as honest as he felt he could. “I thought she was dead. I joined the wrong people to get vengeance. To make it stop. In doing, so I pissed off some really powerful people. I thought my master was strong enough to protect me and I thought I was powerful enough to protect myself. I want to tell Lydia so bad. I want her to remember our time together. Every second we spent together. If I had magic this would be so easy but using magic to accomplish it would be wrong.” Waldo said, with tears in his eyes. “I wish I could just show her. However, the people I pissed off took my ability to use magic. I did not even know that was possible.” Waldo said, holding out an open palm. “Light.” Trag felt magic tug slightly, but nothing happened. “They took my magic so I could not interfere. When they did that I thought they would send me to a prison cell or some equally horrible place. They cursed me with unwanted knowledge I can barely grasp. Part of my mind is still trying to rip itself apart. But instead of sending me to a desert. They toss me like I am nothing and I land inside Spriggan Inn, in Protham barely even hurt. I did know she was the same soul at first. Standing in the dim light of the inn. She looks the same. Alive working as a barmaid in a place I have never even heard of. She doesn’t even remember me but she was drawn to me just like I was to her all those years ago.” Waldo said. “Kna is worried I might hurt her and honestly so am I. However, if we are to separate again I would have her tell me to go. It would be the most painful thing I ever do but I would leave if she asked. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me, but I have found my dead lover again, my soulmate and I never thought I would see her. She died so I figured that was it. I did not know about the cycle but now I do. So please give me the chance to win her.” Waldo finished with tears at the corners of his eyes. “Please, I am begging you.” Trag knew Waldo was leaving part out but felt he was being honest and looking at Waldo Trag knew he held this man’s life in his hands at this moment. Trag looked at Waldo and activated several skills he had for conversations like this. Trag knew Waldo did not intend harm at this time or harm to his city.
“For the moment. You have convinced me.” Trag said, still slightly concerned, something about him bothered Trag, but Trag was confident the stranger would be unlikely to deliberately cause problems in Protham.
“Thank you for giving me a chance. I will prove I mean no harm.” Waldo said, starting to recover his composure. Trag grabbed the rope and axe, placing them on his desk.
“Do you know how to cut down a tree?” Trag asked.
“Yes.” Waldo replied.
“As captain of the guard. I am allotted two trees every year. The town allows me to do as I will with the tree tokens, I am issued. The mill will pay me five gold per token on average. However, If I cut the tree down and turn in the tree with the token they will right now pay eight gold. If you cut a tree down and turn it in for me. I will let you keep two gold coins of those eight.” Trag stated placing a token on the table.
“Sounds like a good deal.” Waldo replied.
“Have you hunted boar?” Trag asked.
“I have hunted. Not specifically boar but I am familiar with the complexities they present.” Waldo replied, wondering where this was going.
“Currently, we have a boar problem on the western road and several groups have been attacked by boars. It is quite troublesome. Protham does not have an adventuring guild and most hunters will hunt safer game or only kill one or two boars at a time. You can rent a hand cart for a day for three coppers at the docks. Usually they are used to transport fish around town. They are sturdy carts and can hold several hundred kilos. There are several blacksmiths in town that sell quality steel tipped javelins, for a silver. Now they are not perfect for hunting boar but they should work well enough. Currently, I have placed a bounty on boar kills of a silver per boar jaw turned in. We will even buy the dead boar for one and half coppers per five pounds. However, you could show us the boar, collect the silver, then most local butchers will buy dead boar for two copper per five pounds. Those are the current rates for whole boars” Trag explained.
“Sounds like I have a tree to chop down.” Waldo said standing.
“Out the main gate past the mill and then pick an un-worked tree the taller the better. They pay less for trees shorter than twenty feet and more for trees taller than twenty five feet. If you are willing to search there are some forty and fifty footers out there. I expect six gold regardless.” Trag stated.
“Why are you doing this?” Waldo asked.
“It is not one thing. Lots of little things adding up. Kna is a friend and Lydia is important to her. Kna knows I cannot employ you as a guard. This keeps you out of trouble. Solves a problem for me and if you work hard. Kna might start to like you. I was not going to be able to cut my second tree down before the end of the year. There are more reasons, but in the end, I see no downside for me giving you this chance.” Trag stated plainly.
“Well thank you. I appreciate this.” Waldo said and picked up the axe smiling.
“Good Luck. I plan to eat dinner at Spriggan Inn. So if you get back after sunset you can find me there.” Trag said, gesturing for Waldo to leave.
“Thank you, again!” Waldo said, leaving. After he closed the door he looked for Violet but she was not there. Waldo headed to the stairs back to the entryway. Violet wasn’t there either so he left a message for her and headed back to the Inn. Waldo wanted to ditch his armor before heading out to cut down a tree.

ICELAND, 22:13:36. APRIL 11, 2006, VARIABLE POINT: There are 237,983 words in this book. The same number of people were alive in Iceland at 22:13:36, April 11, 2006. The designer of this typeface, Bjorn Jaagern, devised to give each person a word to memorise, according to age. (The youngest citizen would be given Elena, the oldest free.) In an annual festival, the people of Iceland would line up, youngest to oldest, and recite the story of Henry's tragic love and loss, from beginning to end.
As citizens died, their roles in the recitation would be given to the youngest Icelander without a word, although the reading would still proceed from youngest to oldest. It was the hope of the citizens of Iceland that the book would cycle smoothly: from order to disorder, and back to order again. That is, Let our fathers and mothers die before their children, the old before the young.
Iceland, 22:13:36, April 11, 2006, was not used because life is full of early death, and fathers and mothers sometimes outlive their children. The editor's concern was not that the book would become a salad of meaning, but that hearing it once a year would be too painful a reminder that we are twigs alighted on a fence, that each of us is capable of experiencing not only Henry's great love, but also his loss. Should a child recite a word from the middle - from the scene in which Henry's brother stuffs up the cracks with wet towels, and loses his lashes in the oven - we would know that he or she replaced someone who died in middle-age, too soon, before making it to the end of the story.
From the short story About the Typefaces Not Used in This Edition, by Jonathan Safran Foer.
This reminds me of Shelley Jackson’s extraordinary Skin Project. One individual word of her novella is tattooed on each separate volunteer.

This is a hard story but here we go. My (35 male) older brother (45 male) and I have always had a weird relationship, but then he did something I can't forgive. Let me lay some background info, my brother Kevin NRN is a deadbeat father to 3 kids by 3 different women owes 30k in back child support and is a drug addict who ran away from rehab, but despite that I've tried to help him. I've put in a good word for him with employers, provided a reference multiple times and once he tried to get me to take a drug test for him (I refused of course) , but he finally did something I couldn't forgive. Last month my grandmother passed away. And the pole bearers were set to be me, my cousin's husband, her sister's boyfriend, and my brother. The day of the funeral he briefly goes into the funeral home for maybe a minute and then goes outside to smoke and then leaves before the actual funeral begins. Since everyone was grieving and listening to the preacher nobody noticed he wasn't there. Then when it comes time to go to the graveyard we realized that he left and told nobody. So we adapt and the new 4th pole bearer ends up being my brother's oldest son, one of the kids he has nothing to do with, but still tries to insist he's a good father to. Anyway fast forward after the funeral and I text my 'brother' and tell him " way to go JACKASS when she was alive you were always around to borrow money from her, but when it's important and time to lay her to rest you proved that your 14 year old son is more of a man than you are. I will never forgive you for this, and I hope Granny never forgives you from the other side." I told my friends about this, but it's kind of split. Some thought it was justified and some think it was too far and that he was grieving as well. So I'm wondering AITA?

I am sorry for the bad formatting, first time poster here.
I (25f) am living with a married couple Lela (30f) & Greg (30m). We naturally thrived together and decided to enter into a throuple.
We talked about a lot of things, together, what boundaries and expectations we all had.

At this point in time I was sleeping with both of them and in their bed at night regularly. Greg and I were having sex one night, next to sleeping Lela (which we had previously done and she was fine with). But Lela wakes up this time and goes out into the living room, I check on her to make sure she’s okay and then I go back to bed. 

In the morning both Lela and Greg are sitting out in the living room together like someone had died.

It turns out that Lela has some previous trauma where her previous partner slept with someone, in the next room, without Lela’s consent. Lela tells Greg that she had talked to him about slowing down all of our relationships/physically too. And Greg ignored that by sleeping with me. Lela is devastated by this perceived betrayal of trust, and angry at Greg. So Greg is worried about potentially losing Lela and it’s clear. But upon looking at this “communication” it was some oddly worded texts that didn’t seem to really get her message across. I also later learned that they talked about it after those initial texts, together. And they were just trying to find a right time to talk to me about it. (That’s something that happens a lot). So Lela is upset, she says we need to back off intimacy/sleeping in their bed. So, I go to regularly sleeping in their bed and intimacy to sleeping alone in my own bed and just being able to be intimate with Lela. 

Lela was only comfortable us all have sex together, just Lela and I , or Lela and Greg.

 Lela is/was not comfortable with just Greg and I being intimate anymore. It was not presented as an ultimatum but it definitely was one looking back. 

It was a weird situation because she was asking for change all hyped up from her trauma response. So instead of talking about how one person shouldn’t have the power to change everyone’s dynamics and the imbalance that comes with that. We just agreed with whatever she wanted to be more comfortable from her previous traumas and so that we could keep continuing to see each other.
Even the though I agree to this dynamic, it was under duress of literally losing everything right there if I didn’t agreed that this new rule of no intimacy with Greg. Because I knew that Lela and Greg were/are each other’s first priority. I don’t think that Lela withheld this information on purpose but nonetheless it created and power imbalance where she had the privilege to dictate Greg and I’s own relationship.
Her partner Greg knew about this previous trauma and promised he’d never put her through that by sleeping with someone without her consent. So Lela is saying she’s not sure she can trust Greg anymore.
She’s thinking along the lines of, this is my trauma that my preexisting partner promised wouldn’t happen again, so I don’t know if I even want to be with him anymore.
But we all want to work past this. She wants to see me around him and slowly work on managing her jealousy/bad thoughts. She encourages me to do this, even though I’m afraid of what just happened, happening again.
Everything’s fine one moment and then you wake up and everything has changed.
Anyways, that just happened again, and she broke up with me(us?) through texting Greg. Who I was sitting next to at the time.
Greg was right there with me so I told him; I know she said we can be together but what happens later on when she changes her mind, and wants you to break up with me.
And he didn’t have anything to say to that so he must have agreed with me that yes, if we did continue our relationship and some point in the future she decided she doesn’t want us together. She does have veto power of Greg and I’s relationship.
It honestly hurts a lot to lose both of them and still see the cuddling around the house and generally just being around a married couple sucks after a breakup. But it’s a million times worse when they’re the ones that broke up with you, less than a week ago.
I’m at such a loss, and I think if I focus on how things weren’t perfect to begin, it will somehow be easier to get over.
Any advice is appreciated.

So Reddit, am I accidentally a unicorn? 

Umm… it’s a long story I guess. TL/DR at the bottom.
Sometimes I really want to divorce. But I also really don’t. I do love my husband a lot and we have had such incredible times together and built a really amazing life. I don’t want to leave it all behind, to start over with someone new, blow up my life and start with literally nothing, but man am I hurting right now. I feel so lonely in my marriage that sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to actually be alone. I don’t like how I’m being treated and I don’t like that I’m asking for bare minimum and not even getting that. Sometimes I feel like I am growing up and outgrowing him/our dynamic and things feel stagnated (I want kids, he wants to drink and party).
My husband (30M) and I (29F) have hit a rough patch, except I’m not even sure if it’s just a rough patch anymore or if we are truly falling apart. Together for nearly 6 years, married for 3. It makes me sick to think about because I feel as if my husband is a totally different person now. I’m so confused because our relationship has never ever felt this wrong or hurtful, I used to believe our love was so healthy and nurturing; my husband used to communicate and be open and loving and now he’s just passive aggressive (he’ll even admit it), hot/cold and mean to me.
He has said some very hurtful things but will never take accountability or apologize for what he has said to me, he often times will spin things around and blame me for all the ways I’m hurting him and never acknowledge what I have come to him with; like I will raise a concern and somehow by the end of it, I’m left apologizing while my feelings were never acknowledged. Or he just goes “ok!?” Like ok so what??? A lot of DARVO and defensiveness, he will twist my words and insist I said something when I know I didn’t. If I call him out, I just get a “sorry I misspoke” from him. If I tell him he hurt my feelings, he says it’s a me problem. That he has no problems. That I should just be happy and move on. In his mind, we wake up the next day and be happy and all is well because we choose to be better (ok sure, fine) but with no apology or repair attempts, I have a hard time “just moving on”. It’s hard to forgive a person that can’t even admit they hurt you or show remorse for how they have done so. I have gone to bed sobbing next to him and it’s never brought up or talked about the next day and he wonders why I’m growing distant. He has zero compassion and empathy for my feelings and I feel really alone in that.
Last year, we were long distance for the whole year (military). Our fights started in September when I went to visit and I felt he was disrespecting me, mocking me, not taking me seriously, disregarding my suggestions in front of our friends. One night, he started picking fights with me at a bar and insisted we go home “because I wasn’t having fun”. I never expressed that, though the bar scene is not my thing, I still went with him and our friends and was enjoying our time. I told him to go have fun, dance, hang out and I’ll enjoy my drink. He kept saying I wasn’t having fun and we needed to leave and I kept insisting I was totally happy to just be there (that was the truth). A lot of times he will project his own interpretations of my feelings onto me and assume he knows what I’m thinking/feeling without asking. We left that night without our friends and grabbed dinner on the way back to the hotel, except he completely ignored me and stonewalled me the entire time. I tried to make conversation but took the hint, let him know I don’t feel welcome in this interaction since he wasn’t engaging in return, and that I was going back to the hotel alone since he clearly didn’t want me there. His defensiveness is usually cold and silent, he has admitted that he “stonewalls me because he’s done talking with me”. He refuses to talk a lot of the time or will say there’s nothing he wants to talk about.
After I had come back home, our fights continued. I asked him a handful of times to please send me the pics we took on our vacations and it took him over a month of me reminding him to please just do it. Finally he became angry and BLEW UP on me and sent them, only half, and I reminded him that there’s more and he spit back at me “THAT’S ALL I HAVE, WE’RE NEVER TAKING PICTURES ON MY PHONE AGAIN” when I knew there were more. What a stupid, petty thing to get mad at me over?
Another time, he completely disappeared on me for 3 whole days and I hardly heard a word from him. I knew exactly where he was (drunk in his dorm playing video games, on a complete bender with his friends online, only taking breaks to go to work drunk/hungover and come back to drinking again). I attempted to reach out, say hi, stay connected, because I feel that’s important long distance? To make an effort to communicate? Because we have a responsibility to each other? I don’t feel like I’m asking for much here, but he was just gone for 3 days. When I finally heard from him and let him know how hurt I was because I felt like he didn’t have time for me (I have often felt second to his online friends, I spent a year and a half going to bed alone and existing without him because he would stay up drinking with them), all he said was “sorry sometimes I just fuck off into my own world”. Like dude you have a wife that you need to be involved with too? I have a really big problem with his drinking and his online life as it’s taken a higher priority over me a lot of times. For a long time, all I saw him do was go to work, come home, drink and game.
Between September to now, things have only spiraled and gotten so much worse. In January, we moved abroad. I knew it would be a hard adjustment for me as I’ve never left home, am incredibly close to my family and overall just a big change, plus I had all my luggage and our two pets to drag through airports and onto flights with. I needed help. I wanted to do it together, as husband and wife, I wanted his support and for us to be doing this new thing in life together… except I had to BEG him to come pick me up. I knew I would need him as my heart was aching over leaving home. There was so much resistance from him though, he said I’d be fine and to just meet him at our next duty station. That it’s such a big waste of time and money to come get me from Asia (he gets a free flight home though??), just to fly back to Asia. Then he started talking about going home to his home state before our move, to see friends and family, and I asked, ok so if you’re in the states already, why not just come up to me and pick me up and we go to Japan together (also, he has time and money to go them but not for me?)? At this point he came unglued and hysterical, insisting again how it’s a waste of time and money and who is going to pay for him to go home? Me? (I’m like, wtf why would I pay for you to go party but you can’t make time to pick me up for a big transition???) he let me know how much I frustrate him and honestly the whole fight just turned into something so bizarre and vague, I wondered what we even were fighting about anymore (as often is the case). I was sobbing and so hurt that he clearly wasn’t choosing me when I needed him, and we fell silent on the phone while I just cried and cried. All he could say was “yeah I know you’re pissed at me”.
Since moving, our sex life has completely declined (my fault). I’ve been depressed, stressed, tired and honestly so hurt by him that I don’t want to have sex with him, especially when he won’t even acknowledge that he has hurt me or apologize. That’s not someone I want to be intimate with. So I have rejected him a couple times, letting him know I’m feeling really insecure about us. I have tried SO HARD to not reject him because I know how hurtful it is, and sometimes in the past, I was just tired. Not in the mood. It doesn’t happen frequently at all (maybe 3 times in our time together), and the times I have said no, he literally will throw himself over in a tantrum like manner and it’s so gross and childish to me. Now, since things have gotten worse, he just goes cold. He told me that if it weren’t for us being married, my couple of times saying no recently would’ve been enough for him to be done with me. And that hurts, because not once has he even attempted to ask what’s wrong, why am I feeling this way, what can we do differently, how is my heart? He can throw everything away over that without even talking to me first? I told him I’m straight up depressed/homesick and having a hard time since moving, not to mention our lack of connection, and he never expressed concern, only his hurt feelings for how rejected and ugly he feels because I won’t have sex with him. He makes weird, off handed snarky comments about how he sometimes “considers going to the gym and getting in shape just to attract some attention and that he never would do that, but he’s thought about it”. The weird comments have happened here and there over a few subjects, leaving me dead in my tracks thinking “what the fuck was that? Where did that comment even come from?”
I have begged him to meet me half way outside of the bedroom, because I don’t feel emotionally connected anymore and that we really need help, and he’s still so dumbfounded that I won’t have sex even though I’ve clearly laid out the ways in which I’m hurting and feeling like we are falling apart. I can’t even remember the last time he told me he loved me first, that he appreciates me, is proud of me, feels lucky to have me, but he used to say those things.
At one point, I wrote him a very long, heartfelt letter stating exactly what was hurting me and why I was feeling the way I am. He read it and didn’t speak to me or even look at me for a week. LITERALLY. When he finally responded (opposite shifts and never any time to talk, a lot of our conversations have been letters or texts lately, because there’s no time/we never see each other and our in person fights derail anyways), he told me he “read my note and felt nothing and that he didn’t care, but knows that he should care so he’ll consider how he should feel.”
I have asked for counseling, to which he insisted he was never going to do again because it’s just a crying/shit-on-the-husband-fest (he is divorced once, I assume he went with his ex), he told me there’s nothing wrong with him, he doesn’t need someone telling him how to live his life, he’s happy with who he is and will not go to counseling. I told him it’s not an option anymore and so we went once (didn’t go well) and he reminded me more than once how stupid it was. I told him I want a husband that has a growth mindset and someone who is wanting to work on things with me, who takes me seriously when I say we need help, someone who is open to talking and communicating. He took offense that I don’t think he’s growth minded because of his spiritual journey and personal growth but I asked him, how are you showing up as a husband? He tells me “we don’t need to be checking in and talking about things”.
He says I’m trying to change him and want him to be different (because I’ve asked him for help around the house but he doesn’t see the mess the same so it doesn’t matter to him? But to me it does because it’s his mess too and we exist together, therefore we both need to be making an effort? I have taken on 90% of the household chores for a while now and let him know I need help and suddenly he’s saying I’m trying to change him and asking him to “put on his husband mask”, what does that even mean?????) I’ve asked him to attempt to speak my love language more (touch and words), as there’s hardly any intimacy between us (no hand holding, cuddling, hardly any affection outside the bedroom) and that’s asking him to be someone he is not?? Because he’s not touchy feely? He will slap my ass or grope my boobs (huge pet peeve and I’ve expressed that) and when I ask him for a hug instead, there’s push back? He gets mad and guilts me when I won’t drink with him (I don’t need or want to drink every night at home, sorry). One time he was poking and pinching at my sides and I asked him not to as it was making me uncomfortable (struggling with binge eating at the moment) and he got irritated and defensive because “he’s just playing and why can’t I have fun”.
Through all of this, I feel like I am the one saying I want to work on things, I love him and our life and let’s do better, let’s fix things, let’s grow together, I’m the one still making an effort to bridge the gap even though we are hurting, and all I’m hearing from him are all the ways he doesn’t like me: he thinks I’m boring (because I won’t drink with him), that I can’t do anything for him that he doesn’t do for himself (yes he literally said this, what do I even offer him?), that he fell in love with me for my independence and what am I doing now? (I uprooted my entire life and moved to another country to support him, I got a job within 2 weeks of being here and have since secured a government position, I’ve bought and paid off a car in 3 months, I go out and travel in a country where I can’t even speak the language, made friends, and he says I’m not independent?? WTF), that he doesn’t need me or this relationship and only fears I’m wasting his time. He can’t think of a single thing he appreciates about me (his words) when I feel I have given up everything and bend over backwards for him to care for him and our relationship. I really feel he doesn’t like me or respect me, but he’ll say he wants me around. He insists I don’t love him or like him, but I feel that is his own projection onto me. We are long distance again and I have expressed multiple times that it’s important to me to stay engaged and check in at least once daily, to say hi, and I’ve been doing that despite being incredibly busy myself, but he ghosts me constantly and is hardly reciprocating effort. I have hardly heard from him in a month, despite my efforts (I’m starting to feel like a damn fool by continuously reaching out, if I don’t text, we don’t talk, I’m tired of the games and have since pulled back but that feels so shitty to even have to do???). I want someone that WANTS to say hi to me and see how I’m doing???
I don’t feel I have a friend in him, as he never asks about me, my life, my inner world, what’s going on with me, does not express interest in my new jobs, new friends etc, when I am constantly interacting with his world and engaging with him. I have expressed to him I feel like I am his friend but he is not mine because he doesn’t express an interest. We do a lot of what he wants and not a lot of what I want.
I told him I want to go home for my 30th birthday in July (it’s a big deal to me!) and I asked him to meet up with me in my state (he will already be in the states for a work trip). He told me he doesn’t want to come hang out with me on my birthday and was instead thinking of going to a big get together with his online friends in a different state to party and drink with them. That really hurt me. Do I not matter to him at all???
I have a big problem with his drinking (he has driven drunk at least 3 times that I know of, 2 of which I was in the car with him, once my family was also involved), I have expressed my concerns about his drinking and he says “I don’t think it’s a problem”. I told him I don’t want our future kids thinking it’s ok to wake up and pop open a beer for breakfast every day and he dismissed it.
We are not agreeing or seeing eye to eye on our next 5-10 years together: we want kids, but I want to be in the states closer to home so we can have our families be involved with our kids too, meanwhile he wants to live abroad as long as possible and retire out of the military overseas. He wants nothing to do with his family and doesn’t care to be close to them. I knew this, and thought I would be ok with it, but I’ve since realized that it’s actually really important to me to have our families involved and not be on the other side of the world at the moment. We can’t find a way to meet in the middle on this, but I don’t want to be this far away for too long (current trajectory is 3-7 years). He says he isn’t sure if he can compromise because he’s always done for others and not himself. Meanwhile, I feel like: maybe you should’ve thought about that before getting married? Aren’t your spouse’s feelings enough to move you in a direction that would be fulfilling for both of us, not just yourself? I agreed to 4 years overseas when I really didn’t want to, and now that I’m asking that we go home after, now it’s an issue?
We went to a marriage retreat that only further revealed what I have been hurting and expressing concern about: that I don’t feel connected and that we need to be digging deeper and investing more into our relationship. I cried so hard when we returned from that retreat and all he could tell me was how frustrated he was that he took us there only for me to come home and cry about it.
He is ok with pushing my boundaries and disregarding my feelings: example of this a couple months ago, I let him know multiple times and many hours in advance we had dinner reservations (we need to leave by 7). He gets ready around 630. I tell him, ok time to go. He says, just 5 more minutes (on his pc gaming and drinking). I say, ok it’s been 5 minutes, let’s go. He says, wait just another minute. 20 minutes pass and I’m now visibly irritated and telling him, I’m leaving, now we’re going to be late. He gets pissy and storms behind me, I let him know that it’s really important to me to be on time for things and I felt really disrespected by him making us late. He told me with attitude that “it’s fine” and it’s “not a big deal because we’ll still be there and we’ll get there when we get there”.
In the store, I will ask for his input on groceries and he will mutter under his breath to leave him alone, only to admit later that he did that and it was disrespectful: but just as an admittance and matter of fact, nothing more, like he’s ok with disrespecting me and declaring it??
Honestly there’s still so much to this, but it’s getting long - bottom line, I just really feel he doesn’t respect me or like me. I don’t feel like he loves me as a husband should or how I envision a marriage to be. I feel a lot of disinterest and complacency. I wonder if he could ever even properly be there for me in the ways I would want my husband to be (what happens when my dog or parents die, is he just going to dismiss my feelings then too and tell me to get over it? He is very emotionally avoidant, numb and dismissive). I don’t feel loved, supported, heard or understood, I feel so incredibly lonely in our marriage. I feel I am reaching a breaking point and it hurts deeply. He was NEVER like this, our relationship used to be so good and I have no idea what happened or why things changed but I am deeply unhappy now and don’t see a way forward with an unwilling partner who will not participate or sees nothing wrong. I deserve better and I want a husband and partner in life that is just as invested and just as loving and interested in me and willing to grow, as I am to him. I’m a damn good wife and I know that, I know what I have to offer, and I want someone that sees that and appreciates that. I feel my husband is very childish and immature and emotionally unavailable, I have wondered but whether or not he is manipulative doesn’t really matter and I don’t think labels are helpful, at this point all I know is I’m hurting and this isn’t working for me.
Of course this is only my side of the story, and no I have not been perfect. I have found myself in a dark, contemptuous state of mind towards him and tried my best to turn that around and reflect and do things differently. I am reading books, listening to podcasts, going to counseling, trying to model to him real apologies (sincerely too). He will say that I criticize him (I do have a harsh start up at times but have since tried to communicate softer and take more responsibility for my feelings and not find fault in his actions), that I want him to be someone he is not (he says I want him to put on a husband mask??), that he feels ugly and rejected because I won’t have sex with him, that I’m hurting him (but I’m honestly confused as to how because he can’t give specifics when I ask how or what I can do differently).
Sometimes I just feel so done with this and like it’s not worth it. I gave up everything to be in another country with him, I gave up friends, family, a career that I wanted to pursue, EVERYTHING, and this does not feel worth the pain I am feeling being so far away from the things that bring me joy outside of him. I feel deeply unfulfilled day to day.
We used to be so happy. He was so sweet and nurturing and cared for me, took interest in me, prioritized me. We had a wonderful life and home together, supported each other’s dreams and desires, used to communicate openly without defense or combative behavior. This is so left field for him/us that it’s left me deeply confused and feeling so much ambivalence. I used to feel #1 to him and now I just feel like his roommate.
Jesus this is long, if you read it and have any advice, thank you. I feel so alone in these feelings and don’t want to dump on my family and friends more than I have already. I am in individual counseling and that helps but I just needed to get it out of me and into the void.
TL/DR: basically I feel like I started challenging some bad behaviors and speaking up when my feelings were hurt (previously I guess I was the “cool girl” and chill and wouldn’t speak up and now I have resentment), and our relationship has become toxic. I am constantly torn between should I stay or should I go? I really don’t have much optimism anymore as my husband will spin things around and blame me, and I’m really not trying to act like a victim here, but he doesn’t take accountability or step up into being a leading man or husband and I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, feeling sad, being long distance from my family and life in what feels like a failing marriage and not feeling like I’m being met half way on repairing/moving forward in a healthy manner.

Long story short he (m23) was a porn addict + made countless comments on other women’s bodies/appearances including my friend w big boobs, objectified me (f20), picked on my insecurities even going so far to “joke” that his sister thought one as disgusting , said Im “not really Asian” just cause I can’t speak the same language as my family overseas (he’s white, both my parents are full-blooded Japanese…), extremely manipulative (said I was being manipulative when I cried after him “joking” that he’d only date white girls after I had told him I used to be insecure about being Asian), emotionally immature (stonewalled + hung up on me) lied and cheated on me, made weird accusatory “jokes” about going to see my “other bf” when I once put perfume on or wanted to hang w friends, disguised his racism which targeted other POC and eventually me as more “jokes”. I feel so regretful of how long I stayed with him even tho it was only for about six months I should’ve ended it after a month or a two cause I could’ve used that time on someone who was actually healthy for me. But he didn’t show me his true colors with his disrespect of me until I was already attached.
His sweet words were so empty, saying he wanted to do diff things with me but hardly did those things. He said he loved me and then went on to say mean/extremely inconsiderate things or act as if he didn’t really care about me. Worst of all, I just hate that he was the first person I really opened up to in all regards and he betrayed my trust like that. I already had poor trust issues due to my upbringing and now I just really regret spending my time with someone so fundamentally ugly and cruel who was so insecure he wanted to make me even more insecure about myself — he was such a bully. It’s easier w time; I’ve been getting out there, talking to new ppl. I think about him less and less but the moments I do remember him, I just do not look back at our time together fondly. I’m trying to really forgive him so when I think of him he would only elicit the same emotion as a blank piece of paper but I really hate how he treated me and that he was my first serious relationship cause he didn’t deserve me or my love. I don’t think he deserves anyone’s cause of how much of a insecure, manipulative man-baby he is. He affirmed my fears of dating and opening up to someone. I really did date the worst person to be in my first serious relationship with.

My boyfriend and I have been doing long-distance for some time now. He recently (half a year or so) reconnected with an old friend (who also lives in another country), whom he's admitted he finds very attractive. I in general think it's important for guys to have female friends, but their dynamic is starting to make me uncomfortable. They used to send each other upwards 70 messages a day on two separate platforms, and although my boyfriend says they're "boring, shallow conversations," I've mentioned to him that it makes me uncomfortable that he's messaging another (attractive) girl this much, especially since it reminds me of how much we used to message each other before we started dating. He has since then agreed to "try to kill the conversation," and they're sending about 30 messages every other day or so. I do appreciate him listening to my concerns, but this also gives me quite some mixed feelings since (1) I know he doesn't message any other friend this much, and (2) I'd hate to bring this up to him again and blur the line between "communicating boundaries" and straight-up "controlling."
I hate being upset over this, especially since I trust him and don't want to limit him from keeping in touch with his friends, but honestly I think a big part of it also boils down to that I'm self-conscious of how much more in common they have over him and I. I've also asked to meet the friend so that I can get to know her better and stop worrying, but he's refused and said that she wouldn't like me because our personalities wouldn't mesh (slight ouch). What also makes me upset is that my boyfriend and I both have busy schedules, so visits are difficult and limited. The friend, however, has a flexible schedule and is visiting and staying with my boyfriend at the moment for the second time these past two months. Furthermore, she has a place in a country my boyfriend and I have both wanted to visit, and she has invited him to visit her sometime later this year. Jealousy aside, I'm upset because we've wanted to travel there together since we first started dating, and he doesn't want to ask if I can come along since "it would be weird" and she doesn't know me that well (fair enough). I told him that I'm fine with him going with her, since I don't want to prevent him from cool trips, but I do feel uncomfortable that he spends as much time with this friend as he spends with me, even though we all live in different places.
I trust my boyfriend, and I really do believe there's nothing going on between the two of them, but I really hate that jealousy is creeping in. I don't want my boyfriend to lose a friend because I'm insecure about this, but I can't help but worry if there might also be bigger problems that the insecurities are stemming from. What should I do? Any help/advice is appreciated, thanks. :)

This is a crossover fanfiction between original fiction titles: Nature of Predators by SpacePaladin15 and The Last Angel by Proximal Flame respectively. All credit and rights reserved goes to them for making such amazing science fiction settings that I wanted to put this together.
You can read The Last Angel here: Be warned, it's decently long, and at its third installment so far. I highly suggest reading it before reading this, or this story will not make sense.

Otherwise, enjoy the story! Thanks again to u/jesterra54 and u/skais01 for beta and checking of work!
First Prev Next (soon)
Memory transcription subject: Adjek, Venlil Space Corps Engineer
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
I had departed with a collection of other engineers who had assisted on the tethering of Nemesis several days ago back to her massive ship. There were twenty-five of us, although none I knew directly from my work.
As our cargo shuttle entered the direct monitoring range of the beast once more, I felt a bad feeling throughout my fur. I didn't know what, exactly, but it was like we had just stepped into the eyes of a predator lurking in the undergrowth, watching us intently. As if to capitalize on that unease, our pilot Mimek bleated something in a panic that made said fur stand straight.
"T-th-th-there's an Arxur vessel trailing us!"
I whirled onto the oncoming feed near the front of the shuttle. Behind us, was a Arxur Ambusher-class dropship that had taken a path directly behind us. It followed the exact same trajectory as our own, and showed no signs of diverting. I bleated out a panicked command of my own.
"K-kick it! W-we need to get distance from them!"
While I had no authority to tell the pilot what to do in this situation, he must've nevertheless agreed, and as such Mimek kicked the boosters into overdrive to escape their proximity. I kept an eye on the rear display, watching as in response, the Arxur craft opened up its own engines, as if to accept the chase, and closed in.
Mimek spoke again. "Why are they chasing us?! D-didn't the humans forbid them from attacking us in-system?!" I had a horrible thought as to why...
"They've fallen to their p-predator bloodlust! They won't be stopped so long as we're in vulnerable space! Close to Nemesis, fast!" I pointed at the guidance lights to the hangar on Nemesis' keel opening. While the Arxur could likely outrun us in an extended burn, we had the advantage in a sprint over a shorter distance. Nemesis was in that shorter distance range, and so we needed to reach it fast to be in its haven.
Mimek, already piloting at full afterburn, corrected the shop in a sharp turn from the plotted approach vector cleared with the Lunar Shipyards. As this occurred, a reminder from the very same monitors came through on comms.
"Venlil ship, this is LSC Tower 3, you have left the agreed final approach vector, adjust your course to match the planned path immediately, do not continue on your current heading."
The humans did not realize the threat we were currently in, and thus the pilot ignored the warning. The Arxur seemingly took our course change as a challenge, and followed suit.
"I repeat, readjust your course heading immediately or fighters will be scrambled. This is your only warning." Even were that the case, we were far too close for them to plot an intercept vector. The shipyard monitors would need at least [one minute] to reach us, and Nemesis was merely [20 seconds] at full-burn-then-brake approach. We would not let the ship closing in behind us catch us, disciplinary action be damned. The damned Arxur succumbed to their predator madness!
A lazy-curve speed burnoff pattern was adopted, and we rocketed at ever-decreasing, but still frightening pace towards Nemesis in an attempt to shake the Ambusher behind us. The hangar was merely moments away, don't fail us now!
The Arxur vessel broke off the chase near the massive docked ship, seemingly slowing for no apparent reason. Perhaps it realized it couldn't slow down as fast as we could, and as such had to? But, that came with another stomach-hurdling problem: us slowing down. If we didn't, we'd crash and turn into nothing but paste on the walls of the gargantuan ship's hangar.
Thankfully, Mimek pulled through, and we zoomed into the hangar space, hitting the emergency external inertial dampener breaking as we attempted landing. The ship skidded across the floor, as it skipped nearly a [fourty meters] to a stop, crashing through something on the way through, but we were moving at such a pace that I had no clue exactly what.
As the ship came to a complete stop, rocking back onto its belly with a final thump, there was the sound of heavy stomping outside, before something rammed into the back of the ship, nearly rocking it off-balance again. "What...what was that?!" We both exclaimed.
We stepped away from the back exit ramp of the vehicle, all twenty five of us, as it began to groan under immense stress. The door dented in, and a few of us instantly cried out in surprise and fear.
And then again. And again. Another rocking of the ship as a dent formed. Another.
And finally, with an unsettling sound of metal being torn through, a crack in the plating of the door turned into a gap that widened into a shaking hole, until the door literally flew off its hydraulic support. The strain spat out fluids and electrical sparking, and several bleated in fear of the sudden disassembly of the door between us and the hangar. Had the Arxur caught up to us? Were we doomed?
But as the burst of electrical smoke cleared, and the light was filtered through our adjusting eyes, what was on the other side shocked me.
A mechanical monstrosity, far bulkier and massive than the one that had confronted my group and I aboard Nemesis stood on the other side. It towered above us, with a intimidatingly large cannon built into one of its arms, aimed dead center into our room, looking more akin to a vehicle's gun than a handheld one. One could see behind it many more of a similar looking model closing in. It spoke in a wrathful tone...Her wrathful tone.
"What the hell are you doing CRASHING INTO ME? There better be a-"
But I felt a chill as it suddenly cut off, and the featureless head of the bipedal robot swiveled to look directly at me instead. Though I could see no clear indicator of eyes like the nightmarish drone I had talked with in the past, I could feel it gaze directly at me, ignoring the others. It suddenly spoke again, a single word conveying contempt dripping in it. The blood in my veins turned cold as the Twilight.
"YOU..."
+CONFED IO.5+
+READING MAIN SEQ.MEM+
+ADDENDUM: ADJUSTED DATE 24.10.2136+
Something's wrong, I can feel it.
The bearing of the approaching ships has left the supposed approach vector, and directly accelerated towards my open hangar bay. While the ships pose no threat to me directly, I am uncertain if they are capable of stopping quickly enough to not risk the human crew that had just landed. I considered my options...
+grab beam non-responsive, schedule systems evaluation immediately+
I had no capability to tractor the ships from their path, and they showed no sign of slowing. I could fire a particle beam in the path of both ships, but there was no ability to tune down the power enough to not destroy the ships, and it would not reduce their velocity. I plotted the relative course of the Venlil shuttle to be coming at this angle, which thankfully was towards the opposite side of the hangar as the Human delegation. That did not remove the possibility of shrapnel from a crash, however.
I interspersed my Praetorians in front of them, seeking to act as a shield in the case of any flying debris. I warned them in the same instant.
"Take cover behind these drones, there is a problem with the landing Venlil ship on route."
"W..What's going on, Red?" Hailey asked, confused. Never had I been this direct with her physically, actively interspersing my drones in front of her and the rest of the scientific delegation.
"They are likely to crash. Predicted acceleration curves of the shuttle do not meet the prerequisite delta-V to stop safely at this current distance and velocity. Duck and cover."
The shuttlecraft streaked into my hangar bay at speeds that would make a 21st century jet blush. It slowed anomalously upon entering, but did not slow at enough rate to prevent the crash. The Praetorians situated on that side of my hangar were incapable of moving fast enough to dodge out of the way, and I was forced to watch as the shuttle crashed through thirty-two of them in a 45-meter break distance, before slamming into a hangar wall. They were built to withstand incredible munition strength, but not twenty-some odd tons of shuttle at near mach speeds. The impact brutally cast them across the deck, smashing some, tearing apart others.
Debris flew from the front of the shuttle outward, but none reached near the humans. Those moronic aliens were about to answer painfully for their incompetence on my deck.
"Dear god!" One of the humans swore at the sound of the shuttle crashing. Another screamed and ducked down further behind my Praetorian. The drone curled down to better envelop her in protection. Hailey was speechless.
A squadron of Praetorians had been closing in from a safe distance throughout the entirety of the crash. They were a mere hundred meters away, only 4.9 seconds to reach the doors. I collided with the shuttlecraft's exit ramp, and slammed repeatedly into the back of it, aiming to create a gap by which to pry the thing off. Eventually, a gap was made, and the Praetorian body wrenched a manipulator into it.
Then, after tearing off the ramp door to the ship, and beginning to interrogate the idiotic fucks at gunpoint, I find no less that a familiar face has come with them. A familiar face I would have rather not seen again in the slightest.
+identity confirmation, Adjek, Venlil engineer+
"YOU...What, are you doing here, again?"
I stepped forward, into the cargo shuttle, the Praetorian I controlled looming over them, over him, by nearly one and a half meters. I made certain to emphasize that size difference. One does not just crash in me like this without a good reason, or I'd be testing how long a Venlil survives vacuum.
Adjek decided to speak up, fear laden in his voice. "I-I-I...W-we were being chased by an Arxur vessel on the course here! T-They ignored the human's truce and decided to p-pursue us directly!"
I faltered a bit at that. Chased? The Arxur supposedly promised that they wouldn't attack the Venlil in-system, but given how much the bad blood between the Arxur and herbivore races was hyped up, I couldn't toss out the possibility.
"Is he telling the truth?" I swung the Praetorian's fake head about the room, scanning over each Venlil in the audience. It wasn't necessary, I had a panoramic view just from the chest optics alone, but the psychological effect and bait of having a head was palpable. They all parroted something similar to what Adjek and the pilot said, so I had no clear contradiction to go off of yet.
But I wasn't done with intimidation, I warmed the cannon muzzle to be visible within the deep red visual spectrum, and aimed it at him.
"Tell me everything, now."
He began to describe his intent and clearance for coming here...but reality decided to be a pain at that exact moment, as the likely culprit entered the hangar. Thankfully, I wasn't hampered by multitasking. A section of me split attention equally to the Arxur ship landing in my bay.
This ship, supposedly the Ambusher-class Goring Claw going off the IFF, was an armed dropship of some sort capable of intro-extra-atmospheric operation, given the rotary variable mode engines. They had been given landing clearance, but not by me, no, instead by the shipyard.
I would need to ask the UN to bring down that blackout protocol soon. This is immensely inconvenient to not have access to monitoring and communication outside myself, except through Hailey. Nevertheless, I positioned my remaining Praetorians around the likely exit of the dropship, awaiting it to open and...greet...these likely troublemakers. I had one Praetorian stand directly front-and-center to the back end, and aim weapons, but not arm them at the dropship hangar doors.
With a hiss, and a burst of slightly depressurized gas, the door opened, and out marched a line of two pairs of two Arxur guards. Their gear looked highly ceremonial, given its lack of tactical or efficient features, and the choice of weapon being a spear of some sort with a sidearm still holstered. Behind them, walked an even more gaudy individual than the guards, an Arxur with a prominent scar across their face covered in flamboyant ceremonial uniform. I was almost certain this was Chief Hunter Isif, Lithke's commanding officer, given Hailey's description of the visitors earlier. Behind him marched a set of less extravagantly dressed figures, likely advisors of some sort. And, of course, Lithke.
I wouldn't just let them off the hook so easily though, despite their far better entrance.
"Chief Hunter Isif. Lithke. You had best have a good reason for making a Venlil ship crash into my hangar."
Memory transcription subject: Chief Hunter Isif, Arxur Dominion Sector Fleet
Date [standardized human time]: October 24, 2136
Those idiots seriously did not-
...No, calm yourself, a Chief Hunter must always look composed, even in the face of absurdity.
The pilot in control of this Ambusher had heard my order to follow the Venlil in, got target fixation, and decided to escalate it to a chase. I would have him lashed for the offense later, but for now, I needed to quickly rekindle what little good will the Arxur had in Red One's eyes.
Losing it now could mean turning up hungry forever.
"I apologize for my pilot's unprofessional actions. He will be punished severely later for the transgression of letting his instincts override both human and my orders. Is there anything I can do further to fix your appetite, Red One?"
The robot frontmost of our shuttle stepped forward, it's bulk and size intimidating even by Arxur standards. It towered tall enough to nearly be at my head height despite the fact I was standing on the dropship ramp. Red One's response was curt, and [quick to the kill]. "You can start by convincing the odd twenty-five or so Venlil engineers your pilot chased into crashing on my hangar deck that you aren't here to eat them all, or whatever sickening actions you Arxur do. When that's done, then you may converse with Hailey Whitmer."
At least it wasn't "you've done enough, stop". I'd seen plenty disappear after that particular response in the Dominion.
"Fine. Blades!" I shouted to the ceremony guard I was issued. "Two of you will hold the pilot at the ship for punishment. He is to not eat, nor rest, nor do anything until I return. The rest will assist Lithke in assuaging the prey that they are safe...for now. I must speak with Red One while you do."
They saluted, and went about their way.
Good, everyone bought it. In a sense, this was funnily enough just the distraction I needed. Perhaps I'll reduce the pilot's lashing count quietly for that.
Now...for the harder part. I had no idea if Red would sense my intentions, and so-
The combat drone spoke once again. "Lithke's sung your praises, Chief Hunter Isif. An icon of 'applied cruelty' in his words. I'm curious as to why that should be praised, out of all things in a leader."
We're still too close to the ship, even if none are around to hear it, audio logs might pick up any dissenting thoughts. I should bring this conversation elsewhere.
"I see Lithke wasn't convincing on his own, it seems. Here, walk with me, I still have yet to meet your Special Envoy Hailey personally." I began to walk towards the group of humans near the other end of the hangar.
"So, you have met her?" Red One instantly picked up on the message, noticing the phrasing. So, she's capable of understanding subtlety...
"Yes, but not directly. She gave a presentation at the UN's discussion on you, which I attended."
"And what, pray tell, did you learn about there?" Red One seemed to press me slightly on the session, clearly looking for something. I'd play along, get in their favor.
"Plenty. You're by far the most powerful ship in the galaxy, as far as I can tell. The Humans and Venlil alike are afraid of you, but the former less-so, seeing a more mixed reaction to your presence."
"And what do you think of me?" Red questioned.
I began with a political mealy-mouth phrase.
"The Dominion is not-"
But she interrupted my train of thought. "No. I didn't ask what the Arxur thought. I was asking what you thought, specifically."
What?!
I scanned quickly, my head paced from side to side as I looked for any potential monitoring agent or tools nearby that could potentially pick up on my dialogue.
"You're...an interesting shake-up to the galaxy. Possibly even a means to an end I've been looking into."
There was a curiosity laden in that tone. "Is that so? What, pray tell, would an Arxur fleet leader need with me?"
Again, I checked about, to make certain none were close. "I...am trying to solve a personal problem. Your emergence is convenient to it..."
"Ah...so I was correct..." Red One's drone stopped in front of me for a moment, before turning directly to address me. "...The constant checking about other Arxur assets, the send-off of your personal guard, the overcompensation on the facial details and micromovements, the ordering of Lithke to 'convince' me of Dominion ideals. How much of it is an act, Chief Hunter Isif?"
She already found me out!?
The mask dropped in a panic, knowing none were close enough to pick up on it. "Quiet! How did you pick up on that?" I hissed under my breath to them.
She neglected to answer that statement directly, instead asking another question. "That's not important. The better thing to ask, is what exactly do you want with me?"
Well, since the meat has been spoiled...
I decided to be blunt, and honest. "I need either a line to directly converse with you on a sensitive matter later, or a method to do it now. There is a deep sickness within the Arxur, and you are a possible lynchpin to excise it. But it is traitorous in nature to Betterment, and they have agents everywhere. I would need it to be done away from their ears."
"I am currently operating in blackout conditions. I cannot send or receive signals from the outside without going through a UN transponder, so the first option is out currently. You need a distraction then, while you're here." Red's drone turned back around and continued walking, not giving away anything to the outside of her sudden skinning of my fake personality. "That can be arranged. But not this instant, we are already too close to outside ears for an extended conversation."
"A codeword, then? Some indicator that I may step away and talk securely with you?"
"A codeword is a start, but I'm more concerned about your personal guard. Are they loyal to you enough to ignore such a conversation?"
"Absolutely not. Effectively none of the group that has come along with me is loyal enough to hear this."
Red One didn't speak immediately, but the pause was small. "A full separation might be possible. I have an idea during the tour. If I say the phrase, 'Feel free to peruse' to you specifically, it will mean I have sufficiently separated attention enough that you may speak to me securely. Do you understand?"
She already has a plan? Her speed on that matter is dizzying.
I would have to trust her method. "I understand."
"Good, mask up again, we are within the distance of maximum human audible range given this volume."
Her matter of figuring out my intentions and act that quickly was unnerving, but it made some sense for a sentient computer. She likely thought far faster than the average Arxur, or even Human. But I could consider that later, I needed to get back in character. While my physical demeanor hadn't wavered any, I needed to give off the mental face of a Chief Hunter once again to allay suspicions. Especially since my personal guard were likely to return soon.
Hailey Whitmer noticed us soon after, and disengaged herself from talking with the other Humans. She began her way over here, leaving them to huddle around their ship, still unloading a collection of scientific equipment and personal belongings. "Chief Hunter Isif! Welcome to the UECNS Nemesis. What happened exactly that caused the Venlil to crash in like that, however? I heard a concerning bit that they were chased?"
I lashed my tail in frustration at that. "Our pilot idiotically got fixated on the Venlil ship. He will be punished later. For now I apologize on their behalf. I will try and...convince the Venlil's not to fear soon, but I honestly don't expect them to listen. They are prey, after all, sniveling in fear at the slightest provocation."
Hailey looked annoyed at that statement, but I could at least take personal solace in knowing it was mere persona. She would simply have to deal with it. "That's rather rude to our allies, Isif."
I corrected her: "Your allies, Human. The prey do not interest me. No, what interests me and my cohort is this ship." I pointed a claw at the robotic soldier behind me.. "I have already met Red One herself, and as you are the UN's Envoy here, I must meet you as well. Lithke has spoken much about both of you."
Hailey's expression changed from veiled frustration to surprise at that. "He has? Hah! I did charm-...oh, excuse my manners. When your entourage arrives over here, we can begin a proper tour with the both of us at the helm. Red?"
A voice emanated from the walls. "Yes, Hailey?"
"Do you have a path listed for a proper tour throughout your facilities?"
She responded immediately. "Yes. The UEC military has conducted tours before of my hull to other officials. I can follow said pathing, ignoring areas currently exposed to vacuum or damaged heavily. It will cover roughly 45% of the ship, and with transportation aid, take roughly 4 and a half hours."
Hailey clapped her hands together. "Perfect! When the three groups are gathered properly here, we can begin."
Given I could see my guard returning, thankfully not laden with prey blood or wounds, that would be soon.
+CONFED IO.5+
+READING MAIN SEQ.MEM+
+ADDENDUM: ADJUSTED DATE 24.10.2136+
I have had tours done of my shipself before. When my form was still under construction, Commander Theodore William Billingsly had given a walk-around to Yasmine, in preparation to turn over the role of Captain to her. The visit had gone rather easily, and familiarized her with my layout quickly in a professional manner. I had given numerous miniature tours of my layout to new crew members, with assistance from more established crew. I figured tours were nothing too special to my sensibilities and experience.
But I had never quite had the experience of juggling a tour where each distinct species of the tour was at odds with the other two. Listening to them was taxing.
"What are you looking at, leaflicker?"
"H-Help! I-It wants to e-e-eat me!!!"
"Could y'all just get along for a single moment? We're coming up on the barracks, supposedly, and yet you're at each other's throats!"
"Of course we're at their throats, those are rather delicious to tear out."
"You predators would focus on our vulnerable spots, w-wouldn't you!"
"Fuck's sake, you can't behave, can y'all?"
"Jealous of our vicious nature?"
"No we're not! What you do to the other races in this galaxy is abhorrent!"
"Yeah, you Arxur monsters have nothing to be proud of! I've lost family to your kind!"
Very taxing.
The human team and Hailey were trying to somewhat wrangle the mood down, but the Arxur and Venlil despised one another, and it showed. There was no quieting-down of their feud for more than a few minutes, before it started up again for the smallest altercations. I was glad I had brought a host of Praetorians to keep them physically separate somewhat, as I'd hate to have seen any humans hurt in the way.
Instead, I tried to focus on just providing an air of authority, as Hailey led them throughout my assorted systems and layout, only providing input where she did not know about. There were at least some receptive comments of myself during the tour that didn't result in lambasting the other two parties.
"The internal layout of this ship is rather unique. It doesn't look like anything in the Federation proper." A Venlil engineer by the name of Joluk mentioned.
"Yeah, I know!" Said a human scientist by the name of George Oscoda. "It's very...Death Star meets Nostromo, made a bit wider, then painted gunmetal black with red detailing."
Joluk turned back to him. "I have no idea what those are, but I don't like the sound of a Death Star." Their tail went ramrod straight, hanging down at the comment. Perhaps a body language fear response?
I decided to clarify from a drone nearby. "The internal design pattern of the UEC favors a highly geometric, hexagonal or octagonal hall layout, for maximum support with little freestanding support. A three-to-two width to height ratio also helps alleviate claustrophobic concerns, and detriments mental health minimally for extended stays."
George spoke up again. "I guess that's fair, but nothing will change how depressingly dark and scarred-up some of these corridors and bulkheads are currently. I get that it's battle damage, but..."
Lithke piped in from the front. "Nemesis wears her scars proudly. She is a predator forged in war, none escape without scars." I couldn't find a reason to directly deny said statement. I did sometimes prefer the reminder of how many Compact Janissaries had died within myself. How I shivered in delight at knowing they met their ends aboard my hull.
I decided to just remain silent on that. Hailey also responded to that soon after. "Well, honor besides, a lot of that damage will have to be repaired eventually. No amount of self-righteousness excuses holes to vacuum in some spots." She was also right. There were various spots throughout me that were not even enterable, let alone habitable as I was. Numerous collapsed-in sections, holes in my hull all-throughout. There wasn't even a main engines section anymore, with the aft exposed to space after redlining to Earth to save them from the Federation fleet. No amount of scars would justify not repairing battle damage.
I was at least partially glad they could not read Compact Standard. The various little easter eggs of alien languages scattered on my walls were filled with warnings and resignations of regret for boarding me. I left them there, to add to the ambient horror of unwelcome borders, but currently it just felt...out of place. I did not want to scare the people on board.
Thankfully there were few along this path, and none noticed it as the language it was offhand, so I avoided those questions. As we walked to the entrance doors to the barracks, there was a hallway we would have to cross first. One I had kept tenderly over the centuries.
I decided to speak ahead of time on it. "We are coming up on a particular area of mine en route to the general barracks. It was not something made in my time with humanity, but more...a personal project. Reminders and trophies of what and who I fought for both myself, and any others who might unfortunately find themselves this far into my halls." Some of the Arxur looked intrigued by that statement.
Hailey looked a little nervous at the way I introduced it. "I-I wouldn't really call it something particularly-"
I kept going over her response. It wasn't particularly polite, but if I was to make a maximal psychological distraction for Isif to say his piece, it would need to be done...
As a drone already within put the finishing touches on the arrangement, and skittered away into the dark lofts above, the doors opened to my favorite rooms, and I introduced the hallway ahead.
"Welcome...to my Collection."
First Prev Next (soon)

Kham stood in the alley, the harsh neon lights of the city casting long shadows across his face. The sounds of laughter and music drifted from the main street, a stark contrast to the desolate surroundings he found himself in. Boxes and dumpsters lined the walls, graffiti marking the crumbling bricks. Despite his surroundings, there was a glint in Kham's eyes that spoke of something deeper, a fire that burned within him, unseen by those who passed by in their ignorance.
One night, as Kham shuffled through the debris of the alley, a figure emerged from the shadows. A cloaked man, his features hidden in the darkness, approached Kham with a sense of urgency. The man's voice was low and urgent as he spoke of Kham's true identity, of his royal bloodline that he had long forgotten. Before Kham could fully grasp the weight of the man's words, a sudden flash of light engulfed them, and he found himself surrounded by a group of men and women in flowing white robes. They were the ancient order of light workers, and they had been searching for Kham, the Warrior of Light and Love.
Training under the watchful eyes of the order, Kham slowly began to unlock the powers that were dormant within him. As he trained, he discovered the true history of his people - a history that had been hidden from them by the malevolent Shadow King, who sought to keep them under his control. Armed with this newfound knowledge and his growing abilities, Kham felt a sense of purpose and determination building within him, driving him to confront the darkness that had plagued his people for so long.
Just as Kham believed he was gaining ground in his battle against the Shadow King, the malevolent ruler struck back with ferocious intensity. His minions swept through the city, capturing and imprisoning those who had begun to remember the truth. The streets that had once been filled with hope and rebellion now lay silent and empty, the weight of the Shadow King's power bearing down on all who dared to defy him.
The grip of the Shadow King tightened around Kham and his allies, straining their resolve and sowing seeds of doubt and fear. Betrayal lurked in the shadows, with whispers of dissent and treachery threatening to tear the fragile alliance apart. As the truth of the Shadow King's control became undeniable, Kham felt the weight of responsibility pressing down on him, his spirit on the verge of breaking.
In his darkest moment, Kham found himself alone, the weight of the Shadow King's oppression bearing down on him with suffocating force. Despair threatened to consume him, but then he remembered the words of the cloaked figure who had first revealed his true identity to him. "You are the Warrior of Light and Love," the figure had said, "it is your destiny to free your people from the shadows." With newfound determination, Kham rose from the depths of despair, a steely resolve shining in his eyes.
Gathering his allies and the knowledge he had acquired through his journey, Kham devised a bold plan to confront the Shadow King and shatter the amnesia spell that had ensnared his people for so long. With the unwavering support of the light workers and the power that pulsed through his veins, Kham led the final, epic battle against the Shadow King and his forces. The clash of light and darkness illuminated the city in a dazzling display of power and magic, each side fighting with all their strength for the future that lay before them.
In the aftermath of the battle, as the city slowly began to awaken from the dark spell that had held it captive, Kham stood triumphantly before his people. The amnesia spell was broken, and the truth of their history was finally revealed, setting them free from the Shadow King's grip. As the people rejoiced and celebrated their newfound freedom, they looked to Kham with gratitude and reverence, knowing that he had been the one to lead them out of the shadows and into the light. And Kham, the Warrior of Light and Love, looked out at the city with a sense of hope and promise, knowing that the future was bright and full of possibilities for all who called it home.

<< First Chapter
< Previous Chapter Next Chapter >
Madeline shuffled in her seat, eyes darting around the room, looking at anything and everything apart from Marcus as she tried to sift through her thoughts. Not that there was much to look at between the plain off-white walls and the worn grey carpet. The room was completely bare apart from the table she and the young guard were sitting at. She wondered what it was usually used for. A quiet office? An interrogation room? A holding cell? Or maybe it was reserved for just this — when an inmate wanted a quiet word with a guard.
Whatever it was used for, the room seemed designed to provide as little distraction as possible. But that was good, wasn’t it? No more delays. That was what she’d agreed with Billie. She would ask her questions now, and then it would be done. The chips would fall and if she got in trouble she could start picking up the pieces.
“Madeline?” Marcus prompted. “You really can ask me anything, you know. It might be hard to believe, but I promise that you can trust me.”
She finally let herself look at him, but her lips remained firmly sealed.
“Besides, I’d have thought you were keen to get this over with so you could go and have dinner.” He grinned at her, tilting his head to look out at her under raised eyebrows. “You’re normally very keen to eat.”
Though she couldn’t bring herself to laugh at his joke, it was reassuring how hard he was trying to be nice. She really wanted to believe that it couldn’t all be an act.
She nodded to herself, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just like I said earlier, I really don’t want to give you the wrong idea or get you in trouble or get me in trouble.” Shifting slightly under his steady gaze, she looked down at her fingers fidgeting and twisting together on the table.
Until a hand slid across into her eye line.
She froze.
Marcus froze too, his hand millimetres from her own. Then, it slid forward again and closed over hers. Though she tensed, she didn’t flinch or pull back. She slowly looked up and met his wide, kind eyes. “I… I was wondering if… I wanted to ask you about…” She closed her eyes and forced the words out. “Has anyone ever tried to escape from here before? And if so, what happened?”
The hand on hers twitched slightly but remained where it was. Surely that was a good sign?
She opened her eyes to see Marcus’s gaze fixed on her, his expression frustratingly neutral.
“Yes,” he said levelly. “People have tried to escape before. Of course they have. People value their freedom.”
“And?”
“And some managed. Though some of those were caught again, and it didn’t end well for them.”
“And those that didn’t manage?”
“It didn’t end well for them either. They tend to make an example of anyone who tries it.” The hand on hers finally slid back, but he leaned in closer, face twisted by concern. “Why are you asking this?”
Finally, one of the answers she’d rehearsed! “Well, I was just wondering about Billie’s brother — and anyone else we might want to enquire about. If they’d escaped or tried to escape, would they still be in the system? And would you be able to tell us about it, even if it wasn’t good news?”
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t call her out on what now seemed such an obvious lie. “They would still be in our system, yes. As for whether we would pass on the information as to what happened to them… That would depend on the good it could do.”
“Of course. I just know how much closure can help.”
“And that’s the only reason you’re asking?” he asked with raised eyebrows.
She nodded quickly. “Mmhhmm.”
“Because if there might be another reason, I would have to implore you in the strongest possible terms to reconsider whatever you might be planning. Because… Because like I said, it won’t end well.” He inched further towards her, leaning her across the table. “It won’t be by my hand, I can promise you that, but I can’t protect you from the others. And I really, really don’t want to see that happen to you, Madeline. I… I care about you.”
Madeline’s breath caught in her throat. For all Billie’s teasing, she hadn’t really, truly considered the possibility that they might be right. She’d never exactly been popular with boys, particularly with boys like Marcus — a fact that had never really bothered her. And what could she possibly have done to warrant his interest in her baggy shapeless work clothes?
“You remind me so much of my sister,” he continued, glancing down at his hands on the table.
She let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.
“She’d have been about your age. She was shy at first too, but had an outrageous mouth on her once you got to know her. She was smart — always reading — and she was quiet and sweet… too sweet for this world.”
Now, it was Madeline’s turn to reach across the table, slipping her hand over his and squeezing gently. “Did you lose her?”
He shrugged. “I suppose I did in pretty much every sense of the word. Though perhaps I’ll never know for certain. So believe me when I say I know what you mean about the importance of closure.”
“What happened?”
Looking up to meet her gaze, he gave her a wan smile. “We’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to answer your questions.”
She smiled back. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But you’ve been such a help to me here. So if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to listen.”
He was silent a while, expression glazed over as if his mind was elsewhere. Then, his eyes snapped back into focus as if a decision had been reached. “The short version is that we got separated, like so many people did in the early days. I spent a long time looking for her, and it led me here. I paid my dues and worked hard. When they told me she wasn’t in the system, I didn’t believe them. I figured if I became a guard I could check for myself and, well… it turned out they weren’t lying. Or if they were, they covered their tracks well.”
“I’m sorry that you couldn’t find her.”
“Me too.” Glancing back down, he placed his other hand over hers and squeezed slightly. “And I’d also be very sorry if anything happened to you. So please, Madeline, be careful. While I promise you can trust me, there’s not much I can do to help if you get in trouble. And I really couldn’t stand to see you get in trouble.”
“I promise that I’ll be careful,” she said. After all, it was technically true. And though she’d lied many times to survive in this world, it seemed wrong to repay Marcus’s honesty with her own dishonesty.
“And that includes not mentioning any of this to anyone else. If anyone asks, you were here to talk to me about Liam and ask about the arrangements for your family room, okay?”
“Okay. Actually, since you bring it up, are there any updates there?”
He snorted. “Trust me, as soon as there are any updates I will make sure you’re the first to know.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Madeline. You’re always welcome.” Pushing his chair back, he stood. “Now shall we get you back to the dormitory so you can get some dinner?”
She followed suit, chair scraping across the worn carpet. “That sounds good. And Marcus?”
“Hmmm?”
“I really do mean it. Thank you.”
On the walk back, Madeline felt lighter. She hadn’t exactly learned much, though she supposed she should take heart from the fact that some people had successfully escaped this place. But the thing putting a spring back into her step was the knowledge that she had a true friend on her side. And despite what Billie might say, she didn’t need to worry about giving him the wrong impression or any romantic overtures.
In fact, it turned out that Marcus was just like them. He’d come here in search of someone he’d loved and lost.
Madeline wondered how many of the other guards here had similar stories. She was sure that some were attracted to the role because of the power over others, but plenty of them seemed like nice enough human beings. When she’d first arrived, she hadn’t been able to fathom the sort of person who would willingly work for or with the Poiloogs — at least not one she’d like to meet. But perhaps the world was even less black and white than she’d thought.
She could even start to see a world where she’d be happy enough staying here.
Of course, she missed her freedom. Her books. Her library. But the work wasn’t too bad. She had food and a bed. She had Billie. And apparently, she had Marcus too. And soon, she’d have Liam. In a lot of ways, that was a better existence than the one she’d had just a year ago — free, but alone, surviving rather than living.
Author's Note: Next chapter due on 16th June

https://www.youtube.com/@bbclearningenglish/playlists
https://www.youtube.com/@EnglishpronunciationwithTom/videos
https://www.youtube.com/@Canguroenglish/playlists
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=learn+british+english+beginner+level+
https://www.youtube.com/@Oxfordonlineenglish1/videos
https://www.youtube.com/@rachelsenglish/playlists
https://www.youtube.com/@BookLove/videos
https://www.youtube.com/@EngfluentPlus/videos
https://www.youtube.com/@EnglishforCambodia/playlists https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEF6pwHhuQQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXJiq888iLM
https://www.youtube.com/@CambodiansLearnEnglish2019/playlists
https://www.youtube.com/@EdnicheSchool/playlists https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dJztpQukPM
https://www.youtube.com/@DekRean9/playlists https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSKbdoWbc9c
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFsky1qIchUJ1y5jTMtrk7DmMm2VEOwkP
https://www.youtube.com/@studyenglishkhmerchannel/playlists
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCMMRIYgA8Z9H7pmT1r2IJPCzK7afSjzB
https://www.youtube.com/@ComprehensibleEnglish/videos
https://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/skills/listening
https://www.memrise.com
https://www.busuu.com
Learn words in sentences and phrases not individual. Watch TV shows and online streams.
Watch movies/series/YouTube channels in English, with English subtitles at first and then without
My khmer family uses my Netflix and what they get out of it has been invaluable in terms of their English. Three years ago my brothers English was very poor. Just from reading subtitles he is now fluent
https://listenaminute.com
https://www.duolingo.com
https://en.islcollective.com
https://www.onestopenglish.com
https://cambodia.britishcouncil.org/english-online/mobile-apps
Reading and listening are important. Listen to English-speaking radio. You can get lots of them on the internet. Try different English-speaking countries. Watch TV shows if you can. Get them on YouTube or other similar sources. Look for programmes like news or documentaries. You have the pictures to help you understand. Language in them is more genuine than in a soap opera. Look for programmes or things to read that are of interest to you. So if you have a hobby or other interest, look for things in English that relate to them. You will learn English and maybe something about your interests.
Lately, I've just found out this site ( https://www.conversationexchange.com/ ) where you can chat/speak with native English speaker, it's really cool.
Always have a notebook with me to makes some notes or write down some new vocabulary or phrases.
And the most important thing … speaking practice. I can recommend you ,,speaky app.,, It’s really cool. Lot of weird people which do not distinguish this app from tinder there but I have found some decent people that I am able to speak a few times per week with. I can even say that after few months they even became my friends.

• try to embed yourself in english
  
• persistance and constistnecy, do it daily, event if it’s just one new word its always step forward,
  
• find an english speaking friend and stay in touch with him frequently
  
• exercise your speaking muscles everyday for 5 minutes
  

https://discord.com/invite/english in there you can find people to speak with anytime
I've learned English on my own through YouTube.
Step 1. Unsubscribe from all the channels in your native tongue.
Step 2. Subscribe to all English Learning Channels you can find.
Step 3. Watch Videos from the subscribed channels whenever you have occasion.
​In 2-3 months you will understand most of the content.
If you're a complete beginner, read books meant for kids.
Honestly I'd suggest trying a couple of nature documentaries first. The speech will be very slow and give you lots of time to understand what you heard. If you're still struggling with that, then worry about kids shows.
I'd also suggest looking at podcasts for English beginners. They should deliberately speak slowly and not use complicated words
Some that come to mind easily are two tv shows called Sesame Street and Peppa Pig because of their simple language (aimed at native English kids learning English).
For listening practice you could try this free Whatsapp group with daily British English listening practice - https://chat.whatsapp.com/ELjBO3HwTMgK3xxqq3mq6d
Try Nonsense.com :) It is free and you get to watch movies.
This explanation is a little long so you can translate it to your native language by using www.Deepl.com
There are many ways you can learn English as a beginner. First, I think it's important to find out exactly what your level is. A great framework for understanding language level is called CEFR "The common European framework for Reference". There are many free tests online you can take to find out your level. I recommend the EFSET test. It's free and fast. Here is the link.https://www.efset.org
After you have found out what your level is, you need to learn the necessary content. You also need to manage your time expectations. Each level of the CEFR A1 A2 (beginner) B1 B2 (intermediate) C1 C2 (Advanced) takes a different amount of time. The A levels take about 100 hours each. The B levels take about 200 and the C levels take about 300 hours.
To complete a level you will need to improve 8 areas:

1. vocabulary = Improve your vocabulary by buying an appropriate vocabulary book. Try to learn 20 new words each day. Download an SRS app (spaced repetition) to help you learn the vocabulary faster. e.g. Anki or Quizlet. Also, try to make or use mnemonics to remember what the words mean.
2. grammar = Buy an appropriate grammar book (I recommend Grammar in Use by Murphy) Each CEFR level has about 200 grammar structures. First, study the structures and understand what they mean, then activate them and make sure you can use them all in conversation. To help with this, you can use my Youtube. I post grammar lessons every day (Yes, I know this is a shameless plug) https://www.youtube.com/learngrammarwithstuart
3. conversation = Make sure to practice what you have learned by speaking to a native speaker. There are a lot of great apps like Italki and Cambly where you can practice this for a very low cost.
4. pronunciation = Improve this by shadowing (listening and repeating what people say) e.g. the audio content from the reading textbook. You can also improve your pronunciation by watching Youtube pronunciation channels.
5. conversation = Make sure to practice what you have learned by speaking to a native speaker. There are a lot of great apps like Italki and Cambly where you can practice this for a very low cost.)
6. reading = Buy a graded reader and practice reading at your level. To see if the content is at your level, use the following rule. If you need to translate more than 10 words per page, the book you are reading is too hard.
7. listening = Improve your listening by watching TV shows that use simple English. I recommend kids cartoons and sitcoms e.g. friends. There are also lots of great youtube channels that you can use.
8. writing = Improve your writing by using an app like Hello Talk or a similar SNS. It allows you to easily practice writing and communicating with other English speakers and language learners.

I hope this helps and good luck with your studies.
About me: I have been working as an English teachecurriculum developer for 16 years.
Mostly pdfs:
https://www.pdf-language-lessons.com/english/english-pdf-lessons/
https://www.infobooks.org/free-pdf-books/language-learning/english/
https://helenadailyenglish.com/101-short-stories-for-learning-english-beginner-to-advanced-level-text-audio-and-video
https://www.englishclub.com/pdf/
https://www.bbc.com/learningenglish/english/course/how-to-speak-english/unit-1/downloads
https://www.englishclass101.com/learn-with-pdf
https://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/english-levels/understand-your-english-level/a1-elementary
https://www.bbc.co.uk/learningenglish/english/basic-vocabulary
https://www.learnenglishteam.com/common-daily-english-phrases-for-beginners/
https://www.espressoenglish.net/wp-content/uploads/free/500-Real-English-Phrases.pdf
https://www.bbc.com/learningenglish/english/course/how-to-speak-english/unit-1/
https://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/general/sixminute/
https://www.lingoneo.org/learn-english/page/pdf-audio-video-downloads
https://learnenglishteens.britishcouncil.org/skills/listening/a1-listening
https://s1.papyruspub.com/files/demos/products/ebooks/educative-books/general-english/English-for-Everyone/Preview-Course-Book-English-for-Everyone1-Beginner.pdf
https://english-at-home.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/50-Speaking-Phrases1.pdf
https://english-at-home.com/
https://www.fluentu.com/blog/english/best-websites-to-learn-english/

Link to serial master post for other chapters
Madeline shuffled in her seat, eyes darting around the room, looking at anything and everything apart from Marcus as she tried to sift through her thoughts. Not that there was much to look at between the plain off-white walls and the worn grey carpet. The room was completely bare apart from the table she and the young guard were sitting at. She wondered what it was usually used for. A quiet office? An interrogation room? A holding cell? Or maybe it was reserved for just this — when an inmate wanted a quiet word with a guard.
Whatever it was used for, the room seemed designed to provide as little distraction as possible. But that was good, wasn’t it? No more delays. That was what she’d agreed with Billie. She would ask her questions now, and then it would be done. The chips would fall and if she got in trouble she could start picking up the pieces.
“Madeline?” Marcus prompted. “You really can ask me anything, you know. It might be hard to believe, but I promise that you can trust me.”
She finally let herself look at him, but her lips remained firmly sealed.
“Besides, I’d have thought you were keen to get this over with so you could go and have dinner.” He grinned at her, tilting his head to look out at her under raised eyebrows. “You’re normally very keen to eat.”
Though she couldn’t bring herself to laugh at his joke, it was reassuring how hard he was trying to be nice. She really wanted to believe that it couldn’t all be an act.
She nodded to herself, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just like I said earlier, I really don’t want to give you the wrong idea or get you in trouble or get me in trouble.” Shifting slightly under his steady gaze, she looked down at her fingers fidgeting and twisting together on the table.
Until a hand slid across into her eye line.
She froze.
Marcus froze too, his hand millimetres from her own. Then, it slid forward again and closed over hers. Though she tensed, she didn’t flinch or pull back. She slowly looked up and met his wide, kind eyes. “I… I was wondering if… I wanted to ask you about…” She closed her eyes and forced the words out. “Has anyone ever tried to escape from here before? And if so, what happened?”
The hand on hers twitched slightly but remained where it was. Surely that was a good sign?
She opened her eyes to see Marcus’s gaze fixed on her, his expression frustratingly neutral.
“Yes,” he said levelly. “People have tried to escape before. Of course they have. People value their freedom.”
“And?”
“And some managed. Though some of those were caught again, and it didn’t end well for them.”
“And those that didn’t manage?”
“It didn’t end well for them either. They tend to make an example of anyone who tries it.” The hand on hers finally slid back, but he leaned in closer, face twisted by concern. “Why are you asking this?”
Finally, one of the answers she’d rehearsed! “Well, I was just wondering about Billie’s brother — and anyone else we might want to enquire about. If they’d escaped or tried to escape, would they still be in the system? And would you be able to tell us about it, even if it wasn’t good news?”
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t call her out on what now seemed such an obvious lie. “They would still be in our system, yes. As for whether we would pass on the information as to what happened to them… That would depend on the good it could do.”
“Of course. I just know how much closure can help.”
“And that’s the only reason you’re asking?” he asked with raised eyebrows.
She nodded quickly. “Mmhhmm.”
“Because if there might be another reason, I would have to implore you in the strongest possible terms to reconsider whatever you might be planning. Because… Because like I said, it won’t end well.” He inched further towards her, leaning her across the table. “It won’t be by my hand, I can promise you that, but I can’t protect you from the others. And I really, really don’t want to see that happen to you, Madeline. I… I care about you.”
Madeline’s breath caught in her throat. For all Billie’s teasing, she hadn’t really, truly considered the possibility that they might be right. She’d never exactly been popular with boys, particularly with boys like Marcus — a fact that had never really bothered her. And what could she possibly have done to warrant his interest in her baggy shapeless work clothes?
“You remind me so much of my sister,” he continued, glancing down at his hands on the table.
She let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.
“She’d have been about your age. She was shy at first too, but had an outrageous mouth on her once you got to know her. She was smart — always reading — and she was quiet and sweet… too sweet for this world.”
Now, it was Madeline’s turn to reach across the table, slipping her hand over his and squeezing gently. “Did you lose her?”
He shrugged. “I suppose I did in pretty much every sense of the word. Though perhaps I’ll never know for certain. So believe me when I say I know what you mean about the importance of closure.”
“What happened?”
Looking up to meet her gaze, he gave her a wan smile. “We’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to answer your questions.”
She smiled back. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But you’ve been such a help to me here. So if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to listen.”
He was silent a while, expression glazed over as if his mind was elsewhere. Then, his eyes snapped back into focus as if a decision had been reached. “The short version is that we got separated, like so many people did in the early days. I spent a long time looking for her, and it led me here. I paid my dues and worked hard. When they told me she wasn’t in the system, I didn’t believe them. I figured if I became a guard I could check for myself and, well… it turned out they weren’t lying. Or if they were, they covered their tracks well.”
“I’m sorry that you couldn’t find her.”
“Me too.” Glancing back down, he placed his other hand over hers and squeezed slightly. “And I’d also be very sorry if anything happened to you. So please, Madeline, be careful. While I promise you can trust me, there’s not much I can do to help if you get in trouble. And I really couldn’t stand to see you get in trouble.”
“I promise that I’ll be careful,” she said. After all, it was technically true. And though she’d lied many times to survive in this world, it seemed wrong to repay Marcus’s honesty with her own dishonesty.
“And that includes not mentioning any of this to anyone else. If anyone asks, you were here to talk to me about Liam and ask about the arrangements for your family room, okay?”
“Okay. Actually, since you bring it up, are there any updates there?”
He snorted. “Trust me, as soon as there are any updates I will make sure you’re the first to know.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Madeline. You’re always welcome.” Pushing his chair back, he stood. “Now shall we get you back to the dormitory so you can get some dinner?”
She followed suit, chair scraping across the worn carpet. “That sounds good. And Marcus?”
“Hmmm?”
“I really do mean it. Thank you.”
On the walk back, Madeline felt lighter. She hadn’t exactly learned much, though she supposed she should take heart from the fact that some people had successfully escaped this place. But the thing putting a spring back into her step was the knowledge that she had a true friend on her side. And despite what Billie might say, she didn’t need to worry about giving him the wrong impression or any romantic overtures.
In fact, it turned out that Marcus was just like them. He’d come here in search of someone he’d loved and lost.
Madeline wondered how many of the other guards here had similar stories. She was sure that some were attracted to the role because of the power over others, but plenty of them seemed like nice enough human beings. When she’d first arrived, she hadn’t been able to fathom the sort of person who would willingly work for or with the Poiloogs — at least not one she’d like to meet. But perhaps the world was even less black and white than she’d thought.
She could even start to see a world where she’d be happy enough staying here.
Of course, she missed her freedom. Her books. Her library. But the work wasn’t too bad. She had food and a bed. She had Billie. And apparently, she had Marcus too. And soon, she’d have Liam. In a lot of ways, that was a better existence than the one she’d had just a year ago — free, but alone, surviving rather than living.
Author's Note: Next chapter due on 16th June

Madeline shuffled in her seat, eyes darting around the room, looking at anything and everything apart from Marcus as she tried to sift through her thoughts. Not that there was much to look at between the plain off-white walls and the worn grey carpet. The room was completely bare apart from the table she and the young guard were sitting at. She wondered what it was usually used for. A quiet office? An interrogation room? A holding cell? Or maybe it was reserved for just this — when an inmate wanted a quiet word with a guard.
Whatever it was used for, the room seemed designed to provide as little distraction as possible. But that was good, wasn’t it? No more delays. That was what she’d agreed with Billie. She would ask her questions now, and then it would be done. The chips would fall and if she got in trouble she could start picking up the pieces.
“Madeline?” Marcus prompted. “You really can ask me anything, you know. It might be hard to believe, but I promise that you can trust me.”
She finally let herself look at him, but her lips remained firmly sealed.
“Besides, I’d have thought you were keen to get this over with so you could go and have dinner.” He grinned at her, tilting his head to look out at her under raised eyebrows. “You’re normally very keen to eat.”
Though she couldn’t bring herself to laugh at his joke, it was reassuring how hard he was trying to be nice. She really wanted to believe that it couldn’t all be an act.
She nodded to herself, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just like I said earlier, I really don’t want to give you the wrong idea or get you in trouble or get me in trouble.” Shifting slightly under his steady gaze, she looked down at her fingers fidgeting and twisting together on the table.
Until a hand slid across into her eye line.
She froze.
Marcus froze too, his hand millimetres from her own. Then, it slid forward again and closed over hers. Though she tensed, she didn’t flinch or pull back. She slowly looked up and met his wide, kind eyes. “I… I was wondering if… I wanted to ask you about…” She closed her eyes and forced the words out. “Has anyone ever tried to escape from here before? And if so, what happened?”
The hand on hers twitched slightly but remained where it was. Surely that was a good sign?
She opened her eyes to see Marcus’s gaze fixed on her, his expression frustratingly neutral.
“Yes,” he said levelly. “People have tried to escape before. Of course they have. People value their freedom.”
“And?”
“And some managed. Though some of those were caught again, and it didn’t end well for them.”
“And those that didn’t manage?”
“It didn’t end well for them either. They tend to make an example of anyone who tries it.” The hand on hers finally slid back, but he leaned in closer, face twisted by concern. “Why are you asking this?”
Finally, one of the answers she’d rehearsed! “Well, I was just wondering about Billie’s brother — and anyone else we might want to enquire about. If they’d escaped or tried to escape, would they still be in the system? And would you be able to tell us about it, even if it wasn’t good news?”
His eyes narrowed slightly, but he didn’t call her out on what now seemed such an obvious lie. “They would still be in our system, yes. As for whether we would pass on the information as to what happened to them… That would depend on the good it could do.”
“Of course. I just know how much closure can help.”
“And that’s the only reason you’re asking?” he asked with raised eyebrows.
She nodded quickly. “Mmhhmm.”
“Because if there might be another reason, I would have to implore you in the strongest possible terms to reconsider whatever you might be planning. Because… Because like I said, it won’t end well.” He inched further towards her, leaning her across the table. “It won’t be by my hand, I can promise you that, but I can’t protect you from the others. And I really, really don’t want to see that happen to you, Madeline. I… I care about you.”
Madeline’s breath caught in her throat. For all Billie’s teasing, she hadn’t really, truly considered the possibility that they might be right. She’d never exactly been popular with boys, particularly with boys like Marcus — a fact that had never really bothered her. And what could she possibly have done to warrant his interest in her baggy shapeless work clothes?
“You remind me so much of my sister,” he continued, glancing down at his hands on the table.
She let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding.
“She’d have been about your age. She was shy at first too, but had an outrageous mouth on her once you got to know her. She was smart — always reading — and she was quiet and sweet… too sweet for this world.”
Now, it was Madeline’s turn to reach across the table, slipping her hand over his and squeezing gently. “Did you lose her?”
He shrugged. “I suppose I did in pretty much every sense of the word. Though perhaps I’ll never know for certain. So believe me when I say I know what you mean about the importance of closure.”
“What happened?”
Looking up to meet her gaze, he gave her a wan smile. “We’re not here to talk about me. We’re here to answer your questions.”
She smiled back. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But you’ve been such a help to me here. So if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to listen.”
He was silent a while, expression glazed over as if his mind was elsewhere. Then, his eyes snapped back into focus as if a decision had been reached. “The short version is that we got separated, like so many people did in the early days. I spent a long time looking for her, and it led me here. I paid my dues and worked hard. When they told me she wasn’t in the system, I didn’t believe them. I figured if I became a guard I could check for myself and, well… it turned out they weren’t lying. Or if they were, they covered their tracks well.”
“I’m sorry that you couldn’t find her.”
“Me too.” Glancing back down, he placed his other hand over hers and squeezed slightly. “And I’d also be very sorry if anything happened to you. So please, Madeline, be careful. While I promise you can trust me, there’s not much I can do to help if you get in trouble. And I really couldn’t stand to see you get in trouble.”
“I promise that I’ll be careful,” she said. After all, it was technically true. And though she’d lied many times to survive in this world, it seemed wrong to repay Marcus’s honesty with her own dishonesty.
“And that includes not mentioning any of this to anyone else. If anyone asks, you were here to talk to me about Liam and ask about the arrangements for your family room, okay?”
“Okay. Actually, since you bring it up, are there any updates there?”
He snorted. “Trust me, as soon as there are any updates I will make sure you’re the first to know.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Madeline. You’re always welcome.” Pushing his chair back, he stood. “Now shall we get you back to the dormitory so you can get some dinner?”
She followed suit, chair scraping across the worn carpet. “That sounds good. And Marcus?”
“Hmmm?”
“I really do mean it. Thank you.”
On the walk back, Madeline felt lighter. She hadn’t exactly learned much, though she supposed she should take heart from the fact that some people had successfully escaped this place. But the thing putting a spring back into her step was the knowledge that she had a true friend on her side. And despite what Billie might say, she didn’t need to worry about giving him the wrong impression or any romantic overtures.
In fact, it turned out that Marcus was just like them. He’d come here in search of someone he’d loved and lost.
Madeline wondered how many of the other guards here had similar stories. She was sure that some were attracted to the role because of the power over others, but plenty of them seemed like nice enough human beings. When she’d first arrived, she hadn’t been able to fathom the sort of person who would willingly work for or with the Poiloogs — at least not one she’d like to meet. But perhaps the world was even less black and white than she’d thought.
She could even start to see a world where she’d be happy enough staying here.
Of course, she missed her freedom. Her books. Her library. But the work wasn’t too bad. She had food and a bed. She had Billie. And apparently, she had Marcus too. And soon, she’d have Liam. In a lot of ways, that was a better existence than the one she’d had just a year ago — free, but alone, surviving rather than living.

Post(s) in Question

Post: https://www.reddit.com/zen/comments/1d7pckl/yangshan_preaches_the_dharma_in_his_dream/

Link to episode: https://sites.libsyn.com/407831/6-6-wumenguan-case-25-astroemi

Link to all episodes: https://sites.libsyn.com/407831

Translations:

Wonderwheel trans: http://home.pon.net/wildrose/gateless-25.htm
ewk:
Case 25 – Preaching from the Third Seat
二十五 三座說法 仰山和尚。夢見往彌勒所安第三座。有一尊者。白槌雲。今日當第三座說法。山乃起白槌雲。摩訶衍法離四句絕百非。諦聽諦聽。 【無門曰】 且道是說法不說法。開口即失。閉口又喪。不開不閉十萬八千。 【頌曰】 白日青天 夢中說夢 捏怪捏怪 誑謼一眾 Section 25: Preaching from the Third Seat

Monk Yangshan had a dream in which he went to the place where Maitreya was seated in the third seat1. A venerable monk struck the gavel and said, "Today, the teaching will be given from the third seat." Yangshan then rose and struck the gavel, saying, "The Mahayana Dharma2 is beyond the four propositions and transcends the hundred negations. Listen carefully, listen carefully."

Wumen's Comment

Tell me, was this preaching [to the assembly or not] or not? If you open your mouth, you lose it. If you close your mouth, you miss it. Not opening or closing, you are 108,00miles away3.

Verse

In broad daylight, under the blue sky, Dreaming within a dream. Creating delusion, creating delusion, Deceiving the assembly.

.
³ 108,000 is a famous number in Chinese culture, appearing in Journey to the West written hundreds of years later and explained by this: “The distance that [the Monkey King’s] cloud-somersault can travel, 108,000 li (33,554 mi / 54,000 km), is based on a metaphor for instantaneous enlightenment. It comes from the Platform Sutra of the Sixth Zen Patriarch Huineng (惠能). The Zen Master explains that the common trope of the Buddha’s paradise being separated from the world of man by 108,000 li is based on a combination of the “Ten Evils” (Shi’e, 十惡) and “Eight Wrongs” (Baxie, 八邪) of Buddhism. Those who rid themselves of these spiritual flaws will achieve enlightenment and thus arrive instantly at the Buddha’s paradise.” (Huineng, 2022) Red Pine points out, “After this line in our text, the Tsungpao edition [of the Platform Sutra] adds: “As it says in the shastras, it is 108,000 li away. This refers to the Ten Evil Deeds and the Eight Wrong Ways within the body. This is why it’s said to be far.” The reason for this number was because the presumed distance from the T’ang-dynasty capital of Ch’ang-an to Shakyamuni’s hometown of Kapilavastu was said to be 108,000 li (two li = one kilometer, three li = one mile).

Buymeacoffee

After some debate I signed up so as not to be accused of going it alone:https://www.buymeacoffee.com/ewkrzen

What did we end up talking about?

I think we beat the Case to death. Even the 108,000.
Astroemi admitted he wasn't going to read the 100 negations.
This Case is closely linked to Xinagyan's Person up a Tree, where you fail for not answering and die if you do... particularly because Yangshan preaches the dharma by saying "not that stuff", but is that an answer?

Volunteers gratefully accepted

You can be on the podcast! Use a pseudonym! Nobody cares!
Add a comment if there is a post you want somebody to get interviewed about, or you agree to be interviewed. We are now using libsyn, so you don't even have to show your face. You just get a link to an audio call.
I was thinking about the fact that it seems pretty reasonable to call somebody up and talk on the phone about something you talk about on reddit everyday... but some people are nervous about this. Why? It's a phone call. Is it the public nature of the phone call? In a coffee shop it's public too... but it's not scrutinized.
Being wrong... is that the big worry? We all have trouble saying Chinese words, remembering Chinese names, and explaining Zen concepts that the Chinese themselves were uncomfortable with. What's the standard for public conversations when it comes to knowledge? Does that standard mean less people want to talk publicly?

TRIGGER WARNING- SA, etc.
It's a very very long story and there's more that I could go on about but- My parents had me young, mom (19), bio dad (21). They separated when I was around 3 or 4 y/o and that's when my dad (19) (that later adopted me) came into my life. When he went to adopt me at about 7 y/o, before sibling 1 was born, they needed bio dad to release his rights; he agreed on one condition from my mom, 'Don't talk to my family anymore, I will handle it'. So he signed, with the additional agreement that he would not have to pay child support, dad adopted me. I ended up with 1 little sibling and I wanted nothing to do with bio dad at this point, he was already out of my life since the adoption. At around 12 years old, my parents started their divorce, moms second divorce. This divorce was completely different. At first, I hated my (adopted) dad but then again, he used to work 3 jobs to support us, only had 1 day off and used it as a "cleaning day" (which I later appreciated as an adult because I had SEVERE allergies, but in the moment I was just like wtf man fr?) From 13 y/o to about 15 y/o my moms at the time bf was sexually abusing me, forcing me to "cuddle" on the couch, he would pretend to fall asleep (in 5 seconds) and touch my non existent boobs and coochie while grinding his boner against my butt until he had enough. I would lay there silently crying until he actually fell asleep, slowly crawl away, and be up the whole rest of the school night, in shock, crying, cutting myself, and writing very depressing poems. He would break open the bathroom door while I was bathing and would try to peep at me in the tub. I'd cover myself under the bubble bath for HOURS until I had no bubbles and the water was cold. I then tried hurting myself even worse but sibling walked in on me. I broke down and thought if I do this, this dude is going to go for my sibling so I'll just take whatever it is to protect them. So I did. I dealt with all the things plus him walking in on me SERVERAL times in my bedroom each time after I'd have a bath/shower (no lock on the door). This guy also apparently would hit, strangle, and rape my mom. I came to find out that he had a record too, he and his brother abducted a 17 y/o or 18 y/o girl, took her to a trap house, raped her in a bathroom with a pole-blood in the tub, sink, toilet, floor, etc. He also was busted because he put a garbage bag over another man's head and lit it on fire-because the man was black. (Dude ended up being dishonorably discharged later on btw) Eventually, she got rid of him, dated a bit, and settled with a new bf, my now step dad of over 10 years. At this point, I was 16 y/o, had a GREAT relationship with (adopted) dad (not so much my mom), and became curious about my bio dad-where I came from, family customs/traditions, similarities/differences, interests, the other half of who I am. I found him on social media, reached out but didn't get a response for 2-3 weeks. Shortly after us chatting, I went to see him (adopted dad and sibling 1 came with). I had 2 more siblings from bio dad, they were a decade or so younger than me, and sibling 3 didn't resemble me much but did with sibling 2 BUT sibling 2 looked so much like me at that age, weird. A short time later, there was a family event by bio dad, I was invited but had no way to get there (about a 6 hour drive from where I was at the time) so his sistemy aunt said she'd take me. She picked me up and I was to spend the night at her house (with my 2 cousins) then we would travel in the morning. I was so excited because I vaguely remember cousin 1 from childhood, apparently we were super close growing up together, I was eager to reconnect and bond with my cousins. When spending the night, cousin 2 went to sleep early (a bit younger than cousin 1 and I), so cousin 1 and I were talking for hours, it was great being able to reconnect/re-establish our relationship...until he kissed me, threw himself on me, tried getting me to touch him as he started to touch me. I said stop wtf what are you doing we are FIRST cousins!! He chuckled and said "We are but we're not" ... "wtf are you talking about?" ... "I'm not supposed to say but your dad had a DNA test done during tour parents divorce and told all of us your mom cheated on him, you're not ACTUALLY his acoording to the test" ... so at this point, I'm disgusted, have so many questions, confused, am in a house of 'family' that I don't know/don't believe that I am family-I went to sleep. Next day we traveled to see bio dad and after the event I asked him and step mom about it and also mentioned that because of this cousin 1 tried "xyz". Bio dad's response to the DNA-"Your mother had the DNA test done and it said I was not your bio father, she probably lied/gave me a fake test so I would stay out of your life." I went to my mom and questioned her, she said "Absolutely not, you know your (adopted) father and I don't talk so you can even ask him to verify that I'm not lying. I have no idea about anything that has to do with a DNA test, we never had one as he (bio das) was my first and we got married then I was prengant with you about 3-4 months after getting married." I asked (adopted) dad and his story lined up perfectly with my mom's. So bio dad lied to me and his entire side of the family to save face. He lied to all of them because his agreement of giving up his rights to me and not having to pay child support would not have been supported by his side of the family so he told them I wasn't his and supposedly provided a (fake) test so they'd get off his back about it. My grandfather from him said he saw the test-but there was no test! Beyond fucked up man...but whatever. I still wanted a connection. I wanted to leave the bullshit in the past and move forward right? So, fast forward a bit, I was in a 3 year (3 out of 3.5 year) relationship with a TRUE P.O.S. bf that was physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. We lived together for 3 years out of our 3.5 year relationship. He was addicted to porn, would call me a bitch every single day amoung other things, ended up raping me and thought it was funny, would hit, kick, choke me (not in the good way), and push me off the bed but then say "You think I want to be like this?! You think I want to do this to you?! Hurt you?! You're making me do it, it's your fault because you have issues." I wasn't "allowed" to talk to my guy friends because they're guys (and I didn't have many girl friends at all), especially my best guy friend that I grew up with and had known since 3 y/o. Bf would isolate me from my families even. At work, I only would talk to my guy friends/male co-workers if bf wasn't there otherwise he would ignore me the whole shift and be brutal when we got home (yeah, we also worked together for a bit over 3 years). I then found out that bf went on the dark web and watched a man kidnap someone, rape her, murder her, and proceed to rape her corpse...my bf was getting off on it! He even said he went back on the next night to do it again but site was blocked. FUCKING PSYCHOTIC. I could go on and on about his craziness. I was his 3rd virgin btw and at work we had a "work daughter" (was so close to that girl, she was 3 years younger than me, 5 years younger than bf and I used to go to her (when bf didnt have same shift as me) crying and telling her everything that would happen with him, so she knew all the shit he did). I was scared he was going to kill me one day, I was scared to stay, scared to leave, all the stupid things and all I wanted was consistent love. We did end up breaking up a few months after I turned 21, he ended up dating our work daughter and took her virginity too! He also did all the shit to her as he did to me! I felt bad for her at first but then thought no you dumb fuck, you knew EVERYTHING you were getting into smh. Anyway, I went to a family event for bio dad, bf was working, they wanted to meet him; we set up lunch for the following day. Bio dad said he was going to give bf the "talk" yk...with the shot gun type of talk. I said I don't feel comfortable with that because firstly, it's not his place, I have my dad (adopted), secondly, bio dad even agreed that we more so have a friend relationship at this point, and third, I've already been with bf for 3 years so it's not appropriate. He got REALLY salty the morning of the meet. We were coordinating plans and everything when he said along the lines, "We haven't seen you in person for almost 2 years now yet you always have time to go out...etc.etc." I responded, "The two times that you have seen me post that I was out, I was across the street from work. I went there for about 2 hours both times with bf and co-workers. I cannot drive 6-8 hours to you and 6-8 hours back in the same day. I work two full time jobs and am going to college online full-time. I'm sorry that I'm making you feel this way or that I've been distant but I try talking and seeing you all (on Skype and such) as much as I can. I don't know what else you want me to do or say at this point. That's why I'm excited for this meet up today. You also could have put in the effort to come out this way these last two years to visit me as well, but again, I'm sorry. I hope you all aren't mad at me, I'm really trying here." He then tells me "I'm going to have to cancel lunch today. I don't think meeting today is a good idea. Now I'm going to have to tell your (LITTLE) siblings that you don't want to see them today since you never have time for us and have basically disappeared from our lives these last 2 years." Aaaaand that's when I ✨️lost✨️ my shit and popped off 🙃 "ME?! I'm the one that disappeared?!?! How fucking dare you say that. How fucking dare you try to do that to them and me. YOU disappeared from MY life at 4 years old, LIED to the entire family (they still questioned if I'm "there's" or not, even had received the comment "Even though you're not ours, your ours because we've known you since a baby" and only 1 of bio dad's parents is still somewhat in touch with me to this day btw) I didn't see YOU for 12 YEARS of my life! I reached out to YOU, I have been the only one making an effort to keep the line of communication open and going and even after all of that plus my explaining that I work TWO full-time jobs plus full-time school, you still have the nerve and audacity to make me the bad guy and say I'm the one not trying here?! YOU are going to continue to LIE and tell MY siblings that I don't want to see them when that couldn't be further from the truth?! I'm going to tell you this ONCE, YOU blew your first chance of staying in my life when I was a child, now you're blowing it a SECOND time with me as an adult; there WILL NOT be a third time. I WILL NOT subject myself to this nor do I need your added stress. I WILL NOT allow you to do this to me EVER again. If my siblings or even step mom (or that side of the family) want to be in contact with me-I will gladly accept that but YOU are DEAD to me. Don't talk to me, don't contact me, I want NOTHING to do with YOU anymore, sperm donor." ... no response ...every couple of years after that I got a "happy birthday" or "merry christmas" here and there but I never responded. It's been a few years with no interaction from him. I just miss my siblings. I got so attached to them and I miss them, I tried staying in contact through video chats but they were still fairly young at that point so it was difficult plus having him or step mom in the background sometimes was awkward. They're now getting a bit older, sibling 2 is turning 18, sibling 3 will be 16. We have each other on social media but don't talk and very very VERY rarely interact with likes on posts. I'm afraid to make the first move, I don't want to push anything, I don't know what bio dad has been feeding into their brains about me, etc. My relationship with them will NEVER be as close as with my almost 21 y/o sibling 1 from (adopted) dad, which I can accept, I absolutely love my sibling 1 that I grew up with like nothing and no one else; I practically raised him tbh. But I do think about the other 2 siblings, I miss them, I just don't know if I should respect unspoken boundaries or make the first move? What do you think? And lmk if you want more of these batshit crazy stories that I've went through (tbh I'm probably going to post another seeking advice on another subject). ✌🏻