Welcome back to my running series of WWF PPV Reviews from a ‘blind’ perspective (I have no idea what’s going to happen; the results, the feuds or how good any of the matches will be). I have always heard stories of the attitude era and golden age but never watched it myself so I set myself to watching every single PPV event chronologically. I am also watching Wrestling Bios ‘reliving the war’ series to keep me updated inbetween the events with the feuds, and to get excited about upcoming matches.
Before I review the matches, based on the past few episodes of raw and last PPVs I’ll let you know, going into the event, which match I’m most excited for and which feud I’m most excited to see.
The match and feud I’m most excited to see is Shawn vs undertaker. I mean what needs to be said their feud is absolutely legendary, and with my favourite match of all time coming in the future between these two I cant wait to see how they perform together in these early years.
WWF In Your House - Ground Zero 1997 Match Ratings
Goldust vs Brian Pillman 2/5
Scott putski vs Brian Christopher 1/5
Savio vega vs Faarooq vs Crush 0.25/5
El torito vs Max Mini 1.5/5
Tag Fatal 4 way elimination match 1.75/5
The patriot vs Bret Hart 3.25/5
Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker 4.75/5
I cannot believe they pulled the “she’s my love child” story it’s so funny to look back on these storylines. Goldust and Pillman are set to fight and there’s a huge grudge for Goldust here so I’m hoping to see a physical bout.
Which it wasn’t… while it was a good bout with no botched or anything, and it was better than their Summerslam match. I saw pillman was limited due to an ankle problem he had, which is kinda weird with the amount of running around he did, but they still had a decent match. Honestly though this draw of this match was where the story was going and it definitely went 😂 Pillman managed to win the match by whacking Goldust with a brick concealed in marlenas bag, and literally drags marlena to his car where he drove off with her. Classic wwf is so hilarious.
The next match was the first time I’m seeing putski and Christopher wrestle and it was actually going well until that ending. I thought they pulled off some very clean looking spots but the crowd was completely dead for almost all of this match, especially after the match, just no one seemed to care. I didn’t really care for this Brian Christopher he was laughing like a clown or something, not even a figure of speech it was literally like a clown. He might’ve been trying to impersonate Lawler but it was just weird. I’m not sure if putski was actually injured or not it was pretty hard to tell but this match seemed like it was 3 or 4 minutes long of pretty dull action.
Going into the next match and honestly I’m pretty bored of these pointless gang wars but let’s see if it can deliver. Maybe rock will get involved and liven it up but all three competitors in this triple threat have yet to put on a good show during my journey through the new gen/attitude era. Also I feel like this is the first triple threat match I’ve seen since KOTR 1996 so there’s some level of excitement for me as it can make for a really entertaining match when done right.
I was surprised to see crush get a pop as I hadn’t heard one before when he made his entrance, but a big biker dude coming in on a massive Harley will get an American crowd going I suppose 😂. But oh man once the match got going there was actually boos going throughout the stadium for the last 1/3 of it. They were trying some weird thing where they played on the fact that they both used to be part of the NOD in which they’d team with farooq on sadio vega but oh my lord it didn’t work at all, it just came off like they had no idea what they were doing. There were no highlights at all, and the last 5 minutes was crush throwing vega out the ring to use moves solo on farooq to which he’d come back in the ring, break the pin and repeat the process. Then he randomly wants to team with crush after all that?? It made no sense at all and was just a bad match, the crowd wasn’t into it and booed during quite a bit of the match, big miss.
I’m just gunna call it a ‘mini-match’ and I’m sure you’ll know what I’m talking about but it ended up being entertaining for what it was in all fairness, much better than the match I’d just seen anyway. It was more of a funny performance than a match; they both end up biting everyone’s asses? Including the referee, and mini goes and steals lawyers crown too. El torito is bloody nuts, his character is basically to act like a bull so he chases refs and officials around trying to headbutt them, fu**ing nuts 😂. I do think it went on a little too long though, if they’re going to book this kind of match then it should be short and sweet filler rather than dragging it on. There was however a pretty good looking springboard move close to the end so that was cool. There were some impressive moves and the crowd was getting involved but It’s just some filler while the show gets going in the end.
Very good idea having dude love and Austin come out inbetween the matches to relinquish the titles as this crowd REALLY needed some livening up after the past hour of the show. And when Steve starts his promo the crowd eats up every second of it and it’s no surprise because he kills it as usual, what a breath of fresh air SCSA is in the WWF during this era. He’s throwing insults to Vince, to the sergeant to JR and it’s f***ing brilliant. It’s cool seeing dude love backing him up as well I think they actually make a really cool looking tag team. And then out of god damn nowhere he delivers a stunner to JR and the crowd absolutely loses it. I would say at this point he is truly the face of the WWF and it really does suck that he suffered that neck injury and couldn’t wrestle properly for a while, having to change his entire wrestling style because of it, but it was never to his detriment, we’re truly in the stone cold era now.
Before the fatal four way, while the LOD get interviewed I couldn’t help but notice how young Michael Cole looks, I mean obviously it’s over 25 years ago but still cool seeing how long he’s been involved.
I really don’t understand these fatal four way tag matches, they always come off weirdly as you can have two people from the same team in the ring that have to wrestle… but it makes no sense because why not just tag someone else in? I don’t know it’s a weird dynamic and I’m not surprised they dropped this type of match in the future.
It’s a shame LOD was the first to be eliminated because they randomly started beating the godwinns with a metal bucket? It makes 0 sense for them to blindly DQ themselves from getting the tag titles since they were crowd favourites, but okay you do you Vince. I wanted them to win too. I know a few people don’t care for LOD but they’re top 2 tag teams in the wwf right now beside Owen and bulldog. The godwinns get eliminated next (thank god), and they just feel like the most filler tag team I’ve ever seen they’re SOOO bland and basic, they don’t even play up to their hillbilly characters anymore which is a new level of bad I won’t lie. I was really REALLY surprised that headbangers took away the belts though, with the massive push of the hart foundation I thought it was a no brainer. It was awesome seeing Austin come in and disrupt the match, he absolutely brings the whole arena completely alive whenever he does anything. Overall though the match was bad and it went on far too long even with four teams. I think the ending was pretty fun but that was only about 2 minutes of the match that was entertaining the rest just felt veryyyy slow.
Man this event has really gotta pull out some f***ing 5/5 main events for it to be worth watching because we’re 1 hour 45 minutes in without a match over 2/5 at most.
When I hear Kurt angles theme playing I was so happy, excited, confused, and then disappointed when I realised it was 3 or 4 years too early. I had no idea they kept this theme and used it for Kurt angle as well as patriot.
I have a small inkling that Bret hart didn’t perform as well as he could’ve in this match because he was annoyed about Shawn getting the top spot after everything that’s gone down and him working more regularly recently than Shawn. Patriot wasn’t a bad wrestler but his character was extremely bland, what would happen after this feud? He’d just be a guy that’s proud to be from America that looks like a Mexican wrestler… in the time of big characters making the main events he unfortunately doesn’t really fit in that well. His in ring ability was good though, no botches or anything but I just couldn’t really feel myself getting into this match. I didn’t really know if they’d book patriot in to take the wwf title as I was pretty sure they wouldn’t want hart to lose his title being such a huge name in the business right now. It was pretty fun when Vader and bulldog came out for some extra drama with them interfering with each of the wrestlers but it’s not a good sign when a match needs drama like that to elevate it. It’s better than what we’ve seen tonight but not particularly worth watching. If you love Bret hart give it a watch as he was his usual fantastic in ring performer but it’s not one of his best for sure. The crowd was really into it, making the hard camera shake chanting “USA USA”, so that was cool, but I’m not entirely sure if it’s because of the crowd or because it was such a small venue. Also worth noting Bret hart is a perfect heel character, he’s a massive star with a character that works perfectly as a heel because he sprinkles some IRL elements into everything he does. The move of breaking the American flag pole and the strangling patriot with the flag is just brilliant, makes it that extra bit more believable and I love it, Americans however must’ve hated it!
Shawn Michaels entrance was so hilarious, he gets hit by a… idk what that even was, a brown cabbage? He makes BJ notions to the crowd, his pyro doesn’t go off properly in the ring like it usually does, and he still pulled it off because he’s HBK, fantastic. This FEELS like main event material though and I’m really excited for it. Sometimes main events don’t really build up properly and just haven’t got that hype behind it but this match should be great. The first of many times we’d see these legends in the ring together.
Starting off the match right too with undertaker taking out the referee and allowing undertaker to take it to the outside and absolutely lay into Michael’s without a count out. I absolutely loved Shawn’s selling during this match too, it’s so over the top that it’s brilliant, with one of his famous vertical presses while he gets kicked in the belly whilst in the corner, love it. Him begging to the ref to dq undertaker, trying to escape through the door of the set and banging on the door, it all works really well and he plays up undertakers character perfectly. I hate when wrestlers forget they’re supposed to play up this undertaker being very scary it really takes away immersion but Shawn does it perfectly. The boos for undertaker seem to be from the women only and the cheers for Shawn seem to be from the women only, of course 😂. I also love seeing the origins of d generation x, one of my all time favourite tag teams as I’m sure is the same with everyone else. HHH makes his way down to the ring with a referee to replace the numerous ones that have been taken out during this match, and they are just the perfect team together I love it.
The actual match I thought was really really fun. It was absolute chaos and maybe not a wrestling masterclass but you can’t deny it was fun. From start to finish we go through 3 referees, we get strangling with power chords, we get triple H and HBK telling the crowd to suck it, and an amazing back and forth showcase from Michael’s and undertaker. I think this match did an absolutely fantastic job and reinstating the undertaker as the most intimidating wrestler in the wwf. The poor referees during this match though, they got absolutely abused. The only thing I didn’t like about this match was the ending. Another random referee comes to the ring to end the match as a DQ, which is a really stupid ending because illegal stuff had already happened when the other referees came to the ring so why wouldn’t they have ended it then? The action continues after the match with undertaker almost soloing Michael’s and HHH. More officials come to the ring as Michael’s beats the hell out of them. And then other wrestlers are forced to come to the ring to try and break the two up which was awesome to see. This really sets up further matches between the two, and I think that’s was the whole idea of the match which worked well, it’s just that I hate these random DQ endings to main events. We see the undertaker flying over the top rope for… I think the first time? Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve seen it in this era which was of course AWESOME!! Overall a really fun match that sets up for further main events but it’s held back by its weird and stupid decision. It’s still well worth a watch if you enjoy this feud however.
Overall, whilst the main event hit all the right places for me I just don’t think the WWF was ready for a 3 hour event yet. They simply didn’t have the roster for it to be enjoyable and so many of these matches went way longer than they had any business doing. I think Bret hart is always gunna deliver so he was fun to watch but it just want one of his best but the main event hit in every single way apart from the finish which I understand is setting up for further matches but ughhhh it was done weirdly and poorly. If you’re gunna watch this event, skip everything but the main event it’s just not worth sitting through everything else.
Overall rating 2.75/5

I 29F live with my mom, older brother by 6 yrs and 95yr old grandma. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from about 20yrs old and have probably been living with it since I was a child but didn't know what it was. Since I was a child I have had a lot of responsibility placed on me as the "gifted kid" that would "save and protect" the family and hold it together. Now, I wasn't aware I was being put into that role until I got to live and work abroad and had some time to reflect and also talk to peers to realise that most people don't live their childhood, teens and twenties supporting their family of adults - especially not as the youngest member of the household.
That job abroad felt like it was the first time doing something for myself and by myself but quickly became supporting the family financially and at every beck and call from abroad. My mom would vent to me about whatever is daunting on her emotionally, stressing her financially etc and being so used to it - I always made it become my problem to fix it. This lead to a problem where, I have no savings, no property that isn't tied to/shared with someone else, and I am constantly mentally drained and emotionally exhausted till I just don't have the mental capacity to work on my own goals and aspirations. Further stressing me out is I actually have a lot of big goals and aspirations and expectations I set to myself. Being so far behind, esp when it seems like its mostly not my fault (apart from my enabling it etc) doesn't do wonders for my mental health.
The usual pattern in my life is as soon as the slightest good thing happens, or even just a shift in my mental health (say motivation comes from somewhere and I really start to put plans into action) - something much worse happens that forces me back into my abyss. Except, it gets deeper and deeper every time. I'll spare you several examples.
So upon my realisation that I was probably "parentified", that my mom is far too reliant on me as a second breadwinner and that I am functionally her husband - I wrote her a letter saying I was pulling the plug on all that, that they all needed to learn how to live without relying on me because I don't even want kids and don't see why I am supporting adults when I don't even live there at the moment. I was going to express that they are fundamentally holding me back and that it has to and would stop.
Unfortunately, before I could finish that letter, mom calls to say she was diagnosed with cancer. Now this too would be somehow my issue to fix cause my brother though working always made less than me and he was extremely unwilling to take care of mom. Even to just take her to doctors appointments he couldn't be bothered to do, preferring to just work instead. While I was abroad I had to ask my friends and mom had to ask her friends for that kind of support and I eventually hired a caregiver that I sent money back home (in addition to my usual financial aid). Eventually it would come to pass that mom would need chemo and the possibility she may not survive. I was afraid to come home lest all the burden of this naturally high stress situation fell on me - but at the same time what if she doesn't make it and I never saw her again?
I couldn't afford a roundtrip airfare and the arrangement with my job was if I terminated at the end of my contract without renewing I could go home at my employer's expense. I decided to quit and come home after a less than hopeful conversation with my mom's oncologist. This meant financially we'd be reliant on mom's regular burdened by debt income, her insurance and my brother's income (this never happened btw) to get by since I am now jobless.
What I feared happening happened exactly AND more! Not only did the caregiver I hired eventually walk off the job which made me mom's primary caregiver, her nurse, her chauffer, personal assistant and courier. I also became the housekeeper, the shot caller, the household manager, the cook, the plumber... you get the idea. On top of that, my brother would be a regular thorn in the side because he would throw tantrums when I needed the car to do things for mom (mom and I own the car but mom started to let him drive it while I was away since he recently got his license). He was highly uncooperative with handling his own personal responsibilities (eg taking care of his cats), as well as anything where I would need extra help with mom. My grandma also would complicate things ( she has always been a narcistic bitch and no one in the family likes her but mom insists she has to stay cause mom is a pushover - you see who I get it from yes. Grandma would actively compete with my mom for pity points, faking sickness, deliberately making herself sick, exerting herself unnecessarily to then feign weakness and guilt trip me - all because she wanted the same attention that I gave the cancer patient.
Mom too, would put me under emotional duress cause in all this she also wanted me to do everything and be happy about it even if I had to pretend. She would start to make demands, oddly specific meal requests of someone who does not cook at all, demand having access to me at all times of day, and if I were to take free time out of the house by myself, she would insist I need to do something for the house or for her while I was out esp if I was going to use her car (the car we both own, that when we bought she told me it was mine and the car that is officially willed to me - yes that one). We also had several arguments where I learned she always thought that cause I was the "smart one" she expected that I could be fully left to my devices and I'd turn out fine and she could rely on me to take care of my deadbeat, driven-less, lazy, lonely, woman-blaming incel and approaching sexually deviant brother after she eventually passes. Cause she is confident that he may never learn to fully adult. And she is likely right by her own fault was she coddles him and shields him from every form of consequence of his action or inaction and is very hesitant about any kind of tough love for him but when it comes to me - even with the slightest of things/benefits she will quickly withhold because "I am inherently more privileged" than he is.
In all of this, my friends when I reach out for support never want to show up. They don't want to deal with any of my problems. No one wants to let me stay even for a week to get a break from my household. Most of them anyway I can't even trust cause they see me as their scapegoat for female touch and affection and since I am no longer willing to pity their loneliness they have gone extremely cold and some try to skirt around touching me inappropriately when they're around me.
Now, I also live in a poor country where pay is always shit. I still only have a bachelors in something that pays extra shit at entry level esp in my country. Peers in my country have very different interests than me usually which is how I am still with the same circle of misfits I have from high school as friends. There's not really anything to do at home that interests me - career wise or entertainment wise. Which is why getting out was such a high priority. But as you can see that's always been and continues to be put on the back burner.
Now that mom is doing much better, its back to looking at exiting cause I will not ever feel better if I stay in this house or even in that country. And my family can thank themselves for finally pushing me to the point where I really don't care what happens to them once I am confidently gone.
So I have shit family, shit friends, no job, my family is actively trying to strip me of any kind of power or leverage with what I do own, changing the conversation as necessary if it means I stay trapped. All because I unfortunately expressed that I want out and that I am not of the opinion that family is everything or blood is thicker than water. Once I get a job, it probably won't pay well enough to rent and apparently the car I part own isn't really mine while I live in my mom's house (which is also legally, partially mine) by her logic. Public transit is very expensive, so if I rent without a car that's even more money I'd have to make. I'd also have to accept the risks that come with public transit in a murder-loving country esp a murder-against-women-loving country vs just brute forcing the mental trauma of staying at that pitiful excuse of a home.
This was a lot longer than planned and if you read all of that, thank you. Sincerely. If you have any tips on how to cope in a high stress, high pressure environment besides hobbies, meditation and exercise - enlighten me. If you skipped to the end, I am not doing a TLDR. I will just wish you blessings and I hope that your life is on a better trend than mine ever was.

PART 1:

 Every town has their own version of “The Boogeyman”. A monster, cryptid, phantom, whatever you want to call it, it’s all essentially the same thing- just a scary story they tell kids in an attempt to get them to behave. An urban legend is just a life lesson disguised as a horror story after all. For us folk living up in the tiny and once prosperous gold-mining town of Trillium, ours was known simply as The Locust Man. Now, let me start by saying, I realize how ridiculous that name must sound to you. “The Locust Man”?? Pftt…What’s he do, besides get stuck in the grill of someone’s pick-up truck. Destroy some crops? Oooh, he sounds real scary... yeah, I know. But yet, as I sit here today 20 years after the fact - a grown woman who’s wiser, stronger, and even more grounded in reality than she was at 12, I still hesitate to even write down that name. 

As a young child I had always thought it to be a little weird that our town was called Trillium, considering I had never seen a single one growing there. If you don’t know, a trillium is a small flower, usually white but they come in other color varieties as well, with three pedals and a bright yellow center. They sort of look like if you took a lily and tore off every other pedal playing “He loves me, he loves me not”. In school, about 2nd grade or so, we were taught everything about this elusive flower I’d never seen in real life, and told how proud our town was to be named after it. Trillium, Colorado was established in 1922 - A new town born in the wake of a great tragedy which befell the town that had previously sat in the same location. For us, and those that came before us, the trillium was supposed to be a symbol of hope. Knowing all that I know now, that sentiment almost makes me want to laugh - in a morbid way.

 Growing up in a small, mostly isolated town, there really wasn’t much for a kid to do. You’d have to drive 45 minutes to get to the closest mall and movie theater. The high school kids would usually all hang out at the roller rink downtown or at the old run-down burger joint called Slim’s that sat across it. But at that age, I wasn’t allowed to go hang out there by myself yet and for me, going with my parents tagging along wasn’t an option I was open to. My neighborhood was on a long dead end road leading up to a large patch of woods that separated the main part of town from the abandoned mine. The old trail the miners used was still accessible up until a point, and so me and the other kids from my street would hang out in those woods all the time. We had a “secret spot” which was, what we thought at the time, about half way through the woods, 10 steps away from a small shallow creek that pretty much ran the length of the area. Rain Creek, we called it. There was a small clearing there, and we had created our own little clubhouse using old milk crates as supports, half- broken wooden pallets as walls, along with some old lawn chairs one of the neighbors was throwing out one day. I made my contribution by bringing a tarp we had in our basement that served as the roof of our establishment. Our parents didn’t love the idea of five 10 to 12 year olds running around in the woods by ourselves, but as long as we stayed within earshot and made it back before the streetlights came on, they probably figured it was safer than us being across town galavanting unsupervised. 

It was me, Lacey, Devin, Mikey and Michelle. We were all best friends - pretty much inseparable, except the boys weren’t invited to the girls’ sleepovers and vise versa. Everyday after school, we’d get dropped off by the bus at the very beginning of our road, and it was a running joke between the Rain Street Gang (as we liked to call ourselves) for all of us to try and run off the bus as quickly as possible, while me, Lacey and Devin would all yell in unison ‘Last two home are some rotten eggs!!’, as Mikey and Michelle tried to push past us to get a head start. The aforementioned two were siblings, and lived in the very last house on our row right next to the woods, so they’d always get home last, regardless of their efforts. Although, the year that Mikey got a pair of Heelys for Christmas he finally got his edge over the rest of us, leaving Michelle to be the lone “rotten egg” until the next summer when one of his wheels broke off. The whole point of it all was just to get home and get our chores and homework done as fast as possible, so we could meet up at Mikey and Michelle’s house with enough daylight left to make our trek into the woods and back - together as a group. All five of us had made a pact to never visit the clubhouse without all members present, although us girls always had a sneaking suspicion that the boys thought themselves exempt from that rule. They, after all, were the ones that had discovered the spot in the first place, and not to mention, did most of the physical labor of dragging our provisions out there. Me and Lacey initially only heard about the spot a day after the boys found it; Michelle had walked into Mikey’s room in the middle of him and Devin talking about it, and immediately relayed the message to us. Michelle wasn’t necessarily more loyal to the girls than the boys, she was just the youngest among us and honestly couldn’t resist blurting out any mildly relevant information she thought she might have, in an effort to be included. But in that regard, if the boys had ever gone out there on their own, they would’ve had to be extremely sneaky about it, because Michelle’s number one objective in life was to gather any piece of intel she could. It was a seemingly normal Saturday morning when we learned our suspicions about the boys may have been warranted.
I had slept over at Lacey’s house the night before. We had just woken up and were still sitting on her bed discussing our possible plans for the day, when Michelle busted through the door with a look on her face that immediately told us she had finally gotten a hold of some juicy information, before she could even open her mouth to stutter out, “You-you-you guyssss, guess w-w-what!?!” Lacey gestured the nail file that was in her hand toward her, raising her eyebrows bluntly as Michelle tried to catch her breath. “So… Devin came to sleep over last night, annnnnd I was pretending to go to the bathroom so I could spy on them. Seeeeee, I was supposed to be sleeping but I -“ “Ughh come on Michelle, get to it! What’d you hear?” Lacey snapped “Ughh okay okay. So, I heard the boys talking, anddddd…. they’re planning to go explore the old mine today!!” “Alright Michelle! Good spying!” I chuckled, trying to encourage her after Lacey’s impatience. Lacey rolls her eyes, then immediately stands up. She takes the scrunchie off her wrist, ties her long blonde hair into a messy bun, and simply said, “Let’s go.” “Lacey..” I said “What??” She responds as if she hadn’t registered the tone of my voice at all. As I opened my mouth to begin explaining all the logical and practical reasons why even if the boys were stupid enough to go play around somewhere dangerous, we shouldn’t be, Michelle exclaims, “That’s where the Locust Man lives!!” I close my mouth in defeat, as I know Lacey will take this nonsense as a challenge, and because of that, no amount of my warnings concerning actual dangers would have any effect on her decision. Lacey dismisses her comment as she attempts to shove her foot into one of her new pink sneakers that she refuses to admit are too small for her. “Pshhh, don’t be such a baby Michelle, he’s not real, you do know that right?” Michelle crinkled her face and yelled back, “Yes he is Lacey! He is!! And th-th- that’s where he lives, and he eats kids that go there!” Lacey laughs at her and says “Oh yeah? You still believe in Santa clause too? What about the tooth fairy?” Michelle looked down at her shoes, and although she could admittedly be annoying, I found myself feeling bad for her. “Come on Lacey, she’s just scared.” Lacey shot me a look like she was expecting me to burst into laughter, but I just gave her a smirk and a shrug, and she rolled her eyes and said “Get dressed.”

 We walked in silence toward the end of the road, though the reasons for all three differed drastically. Lacey’s was determination and resolve, mine was comtemptousness and defeat, and Michelle’s was just fear. I found myself half-way hoping the boys had left already, but as we approached the driveway we caught them just as they were about to step off the porch. 

“Hey!!” Lacey yelled, in her trademark cheerleader cadence. “Where do you boys think you’re going without us?”. Mikey let a groan and rolled his eyes, while Devin said through a coy smile, “Well, we were actually just heading out to go to find you girls.” “Liar.” Lacey snapped, quickly wiping the grin off Devin’s face. “Michelle already blabbed- we know where you two are going and we’re coming too.” The boys looked at each other, then Mikey shot Michelle an angry look as she tried to shrink herself behind me, and said, “Fine, whatever, but no cry baby snitches allowed!!” Michelle then proceeded to prove both of his accusations correct by yelling back, “I am not a cry baby!! I’m telling mom if you don’t let me come with you!!” At that point I finally spoke up. “Alright, listen.” I said sternly, then once I had their attention I lowered my voice a bit to say, “Just for the record, I think us going to that grody old mine is a dumb idea and a big waste of time, but if one of us goes, we all go. That’s the deal, so make your decisions.” Lacey folded her arms in solidarity beside me, and with that we all had an unspoken understanding. So, with the boys out ahead leading the way, we headed toward the tree line.

 As we entered the woods, I felt a sense of dread wash over me - but to be fair, as a preteen emo kid who had already reached an adult level of cynicism, I felt a certain level of dread towards almost everything in life. So take my premonition with a grain of salt, but for some reason, this felt… different. I remember the woods being abnormally quiet that day. It took some time for me to even notice, but as soon as I did, I interrupted the mindless chatter going on to say, 

“Where are all the freakin’ birds?” Everyone turned to look at me as if I’d completely lost my mind. “Uhhh… What are you talking about?” Devin asked me. I pointed up toward the treetops. “Listen…. ” They all looked up, then looked around at each other in confusion. “Every time we’ve ever been in these woods, there’s always birds chirping back and forth. We’ve been walking almost 5 minutes now and I haven’t heard a single bird, have you guys?” “Damn, yeah, that is weird.” Mikey agreed. “They probably all just migrated!!” Devin goofily offered. “That’s stupid Devin, it’s spring. If anything, there should be more birds here, not less you moron.” Lacie argued. Devin flipped Lacie off, which was the best rebuttal he could usually come up with, and then turned toward me and said, “Okay whatever, what’s your point exactly?” “Just that - “ I looked over to Mikey, then back at Devin. “It’s weird.” I didn’t want to say what I was actually thinking. That the woods being too quiet was never a good thing. That when birds aren’t chirping, it could mean there’s a predator nearby. Besides, I was pretty confident that the boys, having both been in the scouts, knew what I knew, so saying it out loud would only serve to annoy Lacie and further frighten Michelle. Mikey broke his gaze that had been fixed on me, and while scanning our surroundings he said, “Let’s stop by the clubhouse on the way.” With a nod from me, we continued. When we arrived at our pit stop, Lacey hobbled over to the closest lawn chair and plopped herself down in it. “Ughhh, my feet are killing me!!” “I wonder why.” I mutter under my breath. “Excuse me, what was that?” “Just saying. Those shoes are gonna be the death of you Lace, you can barely walk in them.” “Pshhh, shut up. They just need to be broken-in okay? You’re just jealous cuz you’re still wearing your dirty old Vans from last year.” “Oooh yeah, you got me there. I am so sad I don’t have a pair of ugly pink Sketchers that don’t fit me.” She stuck her tongue out at me and we both laughed. I was just about the only person who could go toe to toe with Lacey’s sass. It’s part of the reason we ended up being best friends, besides being neighbors. In regard to style, personality and interests, we were almost polar opposites. But when it came to humor we were equals. And more importantly, we both had a mutual understanding when it came to our differences- I was me and she was her, and neither of us felt the need to try and make the other one be more like us. Besides, I was the only person who had ever really stood up to Lacey and didn’t take any of her crap, so I think she respected that. While that exchange had been going on, Michelle had started picking tiny pink flowers, and the boys were rummaging in the clubhouse for something. I yelled in their direction, “Hey! Big Mike and Dirty D!!” Me and Lacey giggled and she mouthed the word “big” with air quotation marks. They didn’t respond, so I walked over to the entryway and looked in. They were standing with their backs to me while looking down at an open metal box, and Mikey was reaching to grab whatever was in it. As he stood back up, I could see what it was. “What the fuck Mikey, seriously?” Hearing me cuss, Lacey and Michelle crowded in behind me. “Chill, it’s just a BB gun.” “I know it’s a BB gun Michael, what are you doing with it, and why is it here?” I was livid at the thought that he might be coming out here and shooting at animals just to be a shithead. I expected something like that from a goober like Devin, but not Mikey. Michelle butted in, “I’m telling mom!!!” “Nice try, dad knows I have it.” He looked at me and softened his tone. “It’s for protection, just in case we come across a black bear, or some weirdo creep out here. Seriously… it’s just to scare off something, not hurt it.” He knew how I felt about killing animals, especially for no good reason. A lot of people out here are poor and hunt for food, which I could accept as a reality. But hurting animals just for fun is psycho behavior, so I was relieved to hear him dispel my fear; I really didn’t want to have to hate him. “Do you even know how to shoot that thing?” Lacey asked. “Yeah, my dad showed me.” Devin clapped his hands together, making us all jump and himself laugh. “Well alright then, let’s get going!” I turned to Michelle, still holding the flowers. “You okay?” She nodded. “If you want me to walk back with you, I can.” I was slightly hoping she’d say yes so I’d have an excuse to get out of this excursion, but she just shook her head and forced a smile. I knew she was scared, but she was just too curious. Maybe I was too.

 We walked for what felt like half an hour. The trees had gotten more dense and the path narrowed from the overgrowth. Still no birdsong. I kept scanning the area in search of any sign of life other than us. Looking for movement of creatures scurrying away, listening for the sound of rustling as we passed, hoping for a squirrel, a lizard, even a bug. Nothing. 

“How much further is this damn thing?” Lacey groaned. Mikey answered without even turning around. “We should be coming up on it any time now.” “You said that like 10 minutes ago.” “Yeah, and now we’re like 10 minutes closer to it. And hey guess what, you insisted on inviting yourself - so suck it up buttercup.” “Hahahaha!” Devin laughed like a maniac at Mikey’s quip, while Lacey folded her arms and for once in her life didn’t have a snappy comeback. This time however, I did. “Well we really only came along to make sure you idiots didn’t kill yourselves.” “Oh, so you girls came out here with us to be our protectors, huh?” Devin laughed. “Ehh, more like babysitters.” Needless to say, I was flipped off for that statement. We rounded the next bend and suddenly all came to an abrupt stop one after another, starting with Mikey. Devin positioned himself beside him and let out a disappointed groan. “Shit Mikey!” A huge tree had fallen and was blocking the trail completely. There was no way we could climb over it because of all the leaves and branches - we’d have to go around it, which meant leaving the safety of the trail and crossing Rain Creek twice to get back to it. “Seriously???” Lacey exclaimed. “Maybe it’s a sign that we shouldn’t be going.” I shrugged. Mikey didn’t seem fazed by the obstruction at all. In fact, he seemed more confident. More calm. More sure of his intended mission. “It’s fine, we’ll just go around.” Michelle, who had been mostly quiet this whole time, finally broke her fear induced silence. “We are NOT supposed to leave the tr-tr-trail Michael! We could get lost!” “We aren’t gonna get lost Michelle, I have a compass. Plus, it’s literally just a few paces that way, then we cross the creek and circle back once we pass the tree and we’re right back on the trail.” “Oh you have got to be kidding me” Lacey said, “I’m not treading through that nasty water!” “Yeah Mikey, what about Lacey’s brand new shoes??” I laughed, and she playfully slapped me in the arm. Mikey’s patience was wearing thin with us. “Look, we already walked this far - if we turn back now, we’ve wasted the whole day for nothing. If you girls wanna be lame and turn around, then go for it - but me and Dev are going.” That’s all Lacey needed. A challenge to accept; someone to prove wrong. “I’ll show you lame.” She pushed past the boys and lead the way into the thick brush towards Rain Creek. It wasn’t very wide across, and there were lots of fallen limbs and large rocks spread throughout it. The current was barely that of a trickle, and the depth was no more than knee deep for us. It was definitely doable - just an inconvenience. And of course, one more ominous obstacle lying directly in our path. Another hint from the universe telling us to turn around. We didn’t listen. Lacey placed one foot on the closest limb and pushed down a few times to test its sturdiness. “I got this.” She stepped out onto it with both feet, then shimmied sideways until she was close enough to the large exposed rock in the middle of the creek, and hopped onto it. She turned around with a full grin and said, “Coming?” Mikey made his way across the limb as Lacey hopped onto a different limb which led her to the other side of the creek. Devin followed, then me, and then it was Michelle’s turn. “I’m scared to fall in!” Of course she is, I should have made her go before me. “It’s okay Michelle, it’s easy!” I reassured her. She didn’t look convinced in the slightest. “Come on Chelle, we’re leaving you!” Mikey yelled, already walking away. “Nooo!! I’m coming! Wait!” She made it across, but instead of just walking like everyone else did, she got down on her hands and knees and gripped the limb as if it were the only thing in between her and a 50 foot drop to the ground, which was funny to see but prolonged the whole process further. After all, we were about to have to do all of this again. Next go round went a lot smoother. The creek was more shallow here, and there were a whole lot more stepping rocks and debris built up. Having just crossed successfully a few minutes ago, we were all more confident in our abilities, including Michelle - who this time we made go first. “Just walk across like it’s a bridge! You got this!!”, we all cheered for her, and then clapped when she made it to the other side. Before we knew it we were back on the trail, and it wasn’t long after that we finally arrived at our intended destination.

 We all stopped and stared at it for a minute, carefully examining the dilapidated exterior of the place that had brought both prosperity and destruction upon our town. Mikey bent down, picked up a rock and threw it into the entrance. We heard it bounce a few times before it stopped. 

“Just to make sure nothing’s in there.” he turned around to clarify. “Did anyone think to bring a flashlight?” I asked. “It’s dark as hell in there.” I was hoping for just one more reason not to go. Devin reached into his cargo shorts pocket and pulled out a small keychain-sized flashlight, smiling with the satisfaction of finally being useful. “Okay, Mikey’ll hold the gun, I’ll shine the light and you girls follow behind us. Let’s go.” Mikey shifted the BB gun from its position of resting on his shoulder, to holding the barrel in his left hand and the butt in his right; trying his best to emulate a soldier’s stance. Something his dad had taught him I’m sure. We ducked down a bit to enter. “How far in we going?” Lacey asked. “Until we see something cool.” Mikey answered. I turned around to check on Michelle, still hovering in the doorway. “You coming?” I could see in her eyes that fear had finally gotten the better of her, and curiosity had taken a backseat. With wide eyes she shook her head. “The-the Locust Man lives in there.”, she tried to whisper. “I knew you were gonna be a baby about this!” Mikey yelled. I crouched down and put my hand on her shoulder. Against my better judgment, I say “How bout you just wait here for us and pick some more flowers. We won’t be long, there’s nothing in there, I promise. Just.. don’t move from this spot and we’ll be right back, okay?” I could feel her unease, but she seemed to accept my reassurance nonetheless. “Okay.” I smiled, then stood up and looked down at my watch to check the time. 12:46 PM. I turned and headed into the darkness, trying to catch up with everyone else. I didn’t feel good about leaving Michelle, but I didn’t feel good about letting the rest of them go in there alone either. And if I’m being honest, maybe a little part of me wanted to see what was in there too. When I caught up to Lacey she asked, “Where’s Michelle?” “Stayed behind at the entrance, she was too scared. I told her to pick flowers and wait there for us.” “Pshh, figures.” “Yeah. How’s your feet?” “At this point, numb actually.” It was so dark in there that even Devin’s rinky dink flashlight was illuminating the area enough for me to start taking a closer look at my surroundings. I looked around at the rock walls, they were covered in what looked like orange mold and green algae. There was a slight breeze coming in from the entrance, but the whole place just had a staleness to it. The boys stopped and turned around as we arrived at the first curve. “So ladies, what do you think? Cool huh?” Devin asked excitedly. “Smells like a fart in here.” I said.

 The most dangerous thing about exploring an old mine wasn’t getting lost in the maze of tunnels, or tripping on the rusted tracks and slamming your head against the wall - it was something simply referred to as bad air. Pockets of still air that have dangerously low levels of oxygen, the old men in town would call it “black damp”. There was also something produced from the old chemicals they once used called “stink damp”, which smelled like rotten eggs. Both were lethal. 

“I wonder if there’s dead bodies in here!” “Uh, Dev… we’re gonna be the dead bodies in here if we go in too far. I wasn’t just making a joke, you know that rotten egg smell can mean bad air.” Mikey interjected. “The entrance isn’t far behind us, there’s still enough fresh air coming in. We won’t go in too far, let’s just get to the end of this tunnel where it splits off and look around a bit, then we’ll turn around.” The fork in the tunnel really wasn’t that much further, and even though I knew once we rounded this curve I wouldn’t be able to see the entrance behind me anymore, I decided what the hell. Maybe a hundred more steps, then we can finally turn around and this whole dumb situation would be closer to being over with. When we got there, we looked down the length of the connecting tunnels each way. Everything looked unusually identical in its deterioration. I could see how someone could easily get disoriented and lost down here. “Hellooooo…” Mikey yelled to the left, his voice echoing through the corridor. Devin turned to the opposite direction and called out, “Hey yo, Locust Man!! You in here?” We all giggled, which made me think about Michelle, still waiting at the entrance for us, alone in the woods. I looked down at my watch. 12:46 PM. “Hey what the f-“ My cuss word was interrupted by a loud bang that came from the passageway Devin had just been hollering into. We all froze. I didn’t have time to process that my watch had stopped right as we entered the tunnel, or that Michelle had been left alone for who knows how long now, or that we had just heard what sounded like a support beam crashing to the ground, because next came a horrifying screeching buzzing sound. It sounded distant at first, but was quickly increasing in volume. We silently looked around at each other and backed away stunned at what we were hearing. Mikey never took his eyes off the tunnel though, and slowly he began to raise the BB gun to firing position. Without even thinking, I grabbed the barrel and pushed it downward. He quickly tore his eyes away from his target to look at me. I shook my head and managed to barely choke out the word, “Explosion.” He nodded and I let go. I looked down at the gun in his hands, and seeing his finger had already been on the trigger, I realized how lucky it was that I didn’t make him shoot himself in the foot. All of a sudden, the noise stopped. “What the hell was that?” Lacey asked. “I don’t know, nothing good.” I said. “Let’s just get the fuck out of here before this whole place caves in on us or something.” Another loud bang erupted from the right, extremely close to us. “Shit!!!” We all turned around and ran as fast as we could back toward the entrance. Devin tried to push past me, but as he did my elbow knocked the flashlight out of his hand. “My flashlight!!!” “Leave it!” Mikey shouted “The turn is right here, we won’t need it!” We rounded the corner, and using what little light there was illuminating from the entrance to guide us back, we ran like our lives depended on it. And they may have- none of us dared to look back, not like we would have been able to see anything anyway. When we finally made it out, we were all completely out of breath. I felt like I was going to throw up. I have to admit though, once we had made it back to safety I felt a rush of adrenaline like I had just had a near death experience. That feeling quickly faded into sheer panic when I looked around and realized Michelle was nowhere to be seen. “Uh, where’s Michelle?” Mikey asked me. “I told her to stay right here, she can’t be very far… Michelle!!!!” We all called her name, as loud as we could. No answer, no sign of her anywhere. “Alright look, she probably went off a little further looking for flowers to pick.” I tried to rationalize. “Let’s just split off in 4 directions and walk in a straight line while calling for her. She’s bound to hear one of us.” Everyone agreed, and even though I appeared outwardly as the level-headed calm person you need to take control in an emergency, inside I was petrified that something had happened to her, and that it would be my fault. I took the east, and headed out. It didn’t take too long before I passed a large tree and saw her sitting down behind it, looking at something on the ground. “Michelle! Oh thank god!! Didn’t you hear us calling for you??” She didn’t answer me, or even turn around. “Michelle, didn’t I tell you to stay by the entrance and not move?!?” My relief was quickly turning into annoyance as she continued to ignore me. I walked up closer to see what she was looking at, and my mouth dropped in awe of what she had found. It was a single white trillium.

 They say it takes 8 years for a trillium plant to produce a flower, and conditions have to be just right for it to bloom. That’s what makes them so special and rare. I stared down at it almost in a trance, like I was seeing a mythical creature. Michelle slowly reached out her hand towards it and I snapped out of it. 

“No!!” I grabbed her by the arm and she finally turned around to look at me. “If you pick the flower, the plant will die.” She ripped her arm away from my grasp and whined, “But I want to show my mom!” We heard Mikey calling from the north and I cupped my hands over my mouth to yell back, “I found her, she’s over here!!” I looked back at her. “No Michelle, come on, you can just tell her about it when we get back home.” I had enough, I was beyond ready to go and we still had at least another 45 minutes of walking to even get back to the clubhouse; an hour if Michelle kept up her crap. I grabbed her arm again and pulled her up to a standing position, looking back at the trillium as I walked her away. Mikey caught up to us, breathless but trying to hide his concern. “You little shit, we should have left you out here! What the hell were you doing?” I let go of her arm and she walked toward Mikey. “She was trying to pick a flower over there.” “It was a trillium!!” Michelle said, with the biggest smile on her face. “Wait, really?” He looked at me in disbelief. Before I could respond, a blood curdling scream echoed through the forest, coming from the west. It was Lacey. My heart dropped into my stomach and once again, every molecule in my body went into full blown panic mode. This time, I couldn’t contain my composure. “Laceyyyyyy!!!!!” A panicked shriek erupted from my lungs and I took off running. Mikey grabbed Michelle and sprinted after us. The trees became a blur; I didn’t even feel all the scratches and scrapes. Had she come across a coyote? A mountain lion? A bear? I didn’t even stop to think about the danger I might be about to come in contact with, I just ran. And then I found her. She was lying on the ground, holding her left foot. “Lacey!!” I said, trying to choke back the tears that were building up. “I think I twisted my ankle!!” “Oh god damn it, you bitch.” I struggled to catch my breath. “I thought you were dead.” “I might as well be, I have cheerleading practice on Monday!” Mikey and Michelle caught up to us. “What happened?” He asked “She’s being a drama queen, she just rolled her ankle.” I was angry. “Can you get up?” He asked her. She was able to stand, but as soon as she tried to put any pressure on her foot at all, she screamed in pain. We spotted Devin running over from the south as he was yelling out, “Hey yo, everyone alive and accounted for?” “Yeah, Lacey hurt her ankle.” Mikey yelled back. As he approached he looked concerned. “Can you walk on it?” He asked her. “No.” Without hesitation he replied, “Well alright then, looks like you’re gonna have to piggyback it all the way back home.” He lowered himself enough to where she could hop up onto his back, and we headed back toward the trail. Even though my nerves had begun to settle a bit, I knew we were still far from being out of the woods, in more ways than one.

Supposedly it'd always been this way, stretching way back to when my Grandpa opened this place almost 97 years ago. I inherited it when he passed a decade or so ago given that my father didn't want anything to do with the place, and since then I've made sure to diligently follow his final wish.
He might've left me the theater, but there was one condition. Not that it'd be enforceable if I went against his wish - more about that later - but the condition was present nonetheless.
Never, ever let the film stop running in Screen 6.
Now, I'd practically grown up in that theater given it was a nice little hang-out spot after closing time - but I never knew anything about the existence of a sixth screen. It had always been five. Grandpa left that sentence and a little picture guide to find the controls for that screen as well as the security footage system for it. He also left a letter, only to be opened once I had been running the theatre for long enough to understand the importance of Screen 6. It baffled me at the time, but I kept that wish too and tucked the letter away. He never told me where to find the screen itself, either. The first thing I did was check the cameras, only to find they showed nothing of interest. No movie-goers were present in this secret little screen, nor were any employees. The black and white footage from the vantage point of a camera positioned above the screen of a silent, empty room filled with rows and rows and endless rows of dusty chairs stared back at me. Somehow it was larger than all of our other screens. After unlocking the neat little contraption he described, I realised the system for that screen was digital. "Huh, strange" I mumbled given the fact our theater was always quite proud of being the only film-only establishment in town.
I suppose digital files make running the screen endlessly an easier task. Something jumped out at me, though. The digital file being used to loop over and over was just that, a singular file. It wasn't cycling through a library of movies. The same one was playing over. And over. The file name?
"sacrifice.mxf"
I've always been a curious person, and part of me wanted to resist. Some instinct was screaming at me to stop. But I couldn't. I had to take a glimpse at the little outdated screen synced up to the projector. It was grainy and degraded, footage that looked like it had been shot in the mid-20th century or so. A group of men dressed in black and women dressed in white circled a tree with interlocked hands. They looked like they were speaking. Maybe singing. Regardless, there was no audio. They went round and round this great old tree for what felt like forever, before stopping in their tracks and just standing there for a minute or two. The footage cut an unspecified amount of time forward to reveal their black and white garments blowing in the wind as they hung from various branches of the tree. All of them. It didn't matter that there wasn't any audio, I could feel the silence seeping out of that screen.
Cut to black.
Part of me was horrified, and another part retained some morbid sense of fascination with what I'd seen. I wasn't planning on going against Grandpa's wishes anyway, but at least I'd seen something that spooked me enough to justify the strangeness of it all. Was that the entire film that had been playing over and over for god knows how long? How was such a massive auditorium just hidden away somewhere? What the fuck was that video?
I needed to find out. God, I wish I hadn't. But I did.
The next few weeks were spent meticulously researching everything I could possibly find about our little family-owned theater. My little theater. I spent hours on end in that projector room trying to make sense of what was being played. The footage described above wasn't alone but remained similar to the others I've since seen. All feature large groups of people in what looks like pre-war Europe. 1930 or so is my best guess. They start off peaceful enough, almost joyous, but I've learned by now to reject the faux happiness depicted. It grabs a hold of you before the violent sacrifices that soon follow rip your heart out. Sometimes I wonder about the people shown. There are so many of them across the different short films, probably more than I've known in my entire lifetime. All of them met such a gruesome end. It might sound easy to throw away their collective existence as mere pixels on a screen, but I can't.
The local newspaper allowed me access to their archive to find out a little more, and things began to tie themselves together. I had to sift through cardboard box after cardboard box to find what I'd been looking for, but I eventually did. Back in 1931, there had been an awful incident at our theater. At the time it was owned by Grandpa, and things were looking up given it was the only establishment of its kind in town - unfortunately something terrible was to happen soon. It was a cool October evening when local police were alerted to a disturbance down at the movie theater by terrified patrons. You see, back then there was a screen 6. Nestled right next to screen 5, it was the focal selling point as a state-of-the-art screen showing only the finest films. Those in screen 5 began to realise something was badly wrong when the sound of an incessantly crying and screaming child began to drown out the more pleasant sound of their film. "The Talkies", as films with spoken audio were known in their 1930s heyday, were a phenomenon and it took a lot to distract those in screen 5 from their entertainment. The child screamed for as long as it could until annoyance turned to worry and eventually fear.
By the time police swung open the double doors to Screen 6, the leather white seats were soaked in crimson red blood and the patrons inside had long since taken their last breaths.
Except one.
Still the child screamed.
I've always been open-minded when it comes to the unseen, not a believer per se, but not dismissive of the idea. Things began to come into a clearer focus. Hundreds of people had sacrificed themselves in that screen all those years ago, and now the screen is forever condemned to forever playing films of similar occurrences. The two had to be connected.
The letter.
It was time to open the letter. I was convinced I satisfied Grandpa's requirement for doing so, and it would fill in the parts of this deranged story I was missing. I slipped the letter out of its glum, off-white envelope and began to read.
"To my beloved Grandson,
By now you probably know much more about the story of our little theater than you did when I left it to you. I'm sorry it took until we were separated for you to learn the truth, but it was something that had to be done. Those people that are in the films playing on Screen 6 were part of an ancient cult. The Men of Mephistopheles they called themselves. They would live in communes and the peaceful images you've come to see are of their day-to-day lives, and as you have also come to see they would eventually offer themselves en masse in blood sacrifices. One of these sacrifices happened to take place in Screen 6 of our theater, and once again I'm sure you have come to learn of this given you are reading this letter.
The locations in which these sacrifices take place are forever bound to the souls lost there in some form or another. To illustrate, that great big tree in one of the films is now the site of countless suicides. Their crime? Daring to walk where the Men of Mephistopheles once walked, and where they left this Earth. Our particular curse happens to be that Screen 6 began to be the site of similar suicides, and so did our other screens. We could never figure out why they weren't contained to the immediate site of the original sacrifice, but needed to find a way to stop them. Times were tough, and the money the theater brought in was important to all of our lives. An occultist suggested the endless film screening as a way to stem the flow whilst we found a more permanent solution, but before long we realised it stopped the awful goings-on entirely. So we let the films play and then play some more. Screen 6 had originally been downstairs since the building only allowed for that kind of space down there, so we turned it into a tomb. Maybe the misguided souls lost there found some peace in the dusty catacomb of a theater left behind.
Now if you know the story of the sacrifice at our theater, you know there was a singular child who survived it all.
That child?
Your father.
I'm so sorry for keeping the truth locked away from you the way I did, you deserved to know whilst I was still there with you. Please know I only ever had your best interests at heart.
I love you always,
Poppy"
It's been a few weeks since I found out the truth about our small-town theater. Sleeping has been difficult because of the endless nightmares, as has bothering to keep up maintenance of the place.
Still, though, the film on Screen 6 plays.

TW: childhood neglect and verbal abuse - me remembering so many things after last night's session. I just need to tell someone! I repressed this childhood since I moved out of my parents. It's like I died that day and moved on like a robot.
It is as though the illusion I've kept up for the past 24 years of me being always 'happy' and living a happy childhood just shattered entirely.
I have this diary I wrote in a lot in 2014, which is from exactly 10 years ago when I was 14. I cherished it a lot and sometimes would look into it to remember the old days. However, just last week I looked into it again after several months of being more focussed on my mental health (and especially on my childhood & parents.). This time, I saw something entirely different in this cute colorful happy diary.
All I see now, is how I was suffering. Suffering alone and always walking on eggshells. Nothing was ever good enough. Almost every page I refer to 'future me', the one who will understand me. I didn't get that from my parents. Old me, who will listen to how I am feeling and give me the comfort and soothing I so desperately needed.
I write about how I was completely exhausted from highschool, and then constantly bash myself with extremly self critical words. I have pictures of me in there with apologies for being ugly, and stories of 'how I didn't work hard enough'. Several pages describe forms of catastrophizing over the smallest mundane things.
In some pages, I casually mention a family member I dearly loved dying but then downplay it with something else. It's ups and downs by the sentence "It was my birthday yesterday, I had a great time! I am exhausted and drained and school is horrible. I did get a nice gift. I hope grandma stays alive" etc.
All this time I was happily keeping up this story of how happy I was. How I had such loving parents who where always there for me. They would shower me with gifts they could barely afford.
In my house, there were no rules. There was no bedtime. There was no structure - no breakfast together or chores I had to do. Everyone was jealous of me, because I was so free, but child and teenage me were constantly longing for someone to care.
I would be gone from home as much as I could. The atmosphere was so hectic. One day you'd come home to a happy loving mom who has all the patience and curiousity to hear about my day and my struggles. The other I would walk in and get scolded about how I was nothing. One day she was willing to help me with my feelings and emotions, but in other days she'd scold me for having them! I should be strong because according to mom, she's cyinic, and the world is 'angry and cruel. The world is unfair.' Now get up and don't wallow in your sadness and self-pity.
It's like they would give a gift sometimes, just to then call me ungrateful every day after. According to them I was unthankful, selfish, and my mom said I'd act as if the world revolved only around me. If I'd say "huh, I never said that?! I would never say such a thing?" she said "that is just what you think you are doing. But in reality, you're ruining it for everyone".
Eitherway, after going through the entire diary without skipping a page, I remembered I once made a video of my mom attacking me. I looked it up, and for the first time in 8 years I had the mental energy to watch it. My jaw dropped to the floor. I never even saw someone act so horrible before but it's me going through it....
t's like my world shattered. My mom was treating me absollutely horribly in this video. I don't even remember! You can see her face, and she is so scary! Here eyes look like pure hurt, as if she was throwing her own traumatic upbringing onto me and blaming me for it. She looks at me as if she's completely disgusted by me! The entire rant of hers is a complete mind trip where she downplays everything I say and spins it around as if I was just a burden who tried to make life for my parents worse.
I would never help with chores. Because, if I asked if she needed help, she didn't. I didn't have to do anything in the house but also did not know how to do anything. Then on other days she'd get angry I wasn't doing enough in the house and mention how our life should be about "giving and taking" and I should participate in that.
Now having read all of this, and watching some more video's of these attacks, I remember many things. How my parents would lock me up in the dark cold hallway because I had a "tantrum". They say it 'wasn't that long' but overstimulated and panicked todler me would bawl her eyes out. I felt so abandoned. In my life, alltogether, my strongest feeling is guilt. I feel guilty for everything. I feel shame. I feel ugly when I cry.
I only managed to teach myself how to release emotions in january this year. I never knew. I couldn't cry since years. When I finally managed this year, I'd notice I'd feel so ugly. My cries sound like my mom crying. She'd cry in our house regularly at some point. Really messy, really loud.
Because of constantly being told I wasn't doing enough, or that I didn't care, I wanted to please. I would muster up the courage and shun myself for how difficult and bad it felt to do so. I would ask her "mom, are you okay? Do you need a hug?"
She'd turn around on her desk chair and YELL. Loud. Screaming at me to get out of her face. Just get out of our life. This happened several times. I'd just walk away from the house. I felt so alone and unwanted. I never could do it right. My dad would just avoid my gaze.
Some days I would be begging my mom for a hug. Just for some attention. But she was so overstimulated that she couldn't even give me a touch. I would feel so lost and alone and just go outside and distract myself with imaginary games. I remember because of this, the moments where I would overheat my parents show off to parents of friends of mine how "I was such an easy kid" and how I could entertain myself and be happy for hours. The other parents would be jealous. I wouldn't know why this would make me cry
My life first going to school was just sheer terror. I felt so abandoned. Every time mom dropped me off I'd kling around her leg crying and screaming. Then afterwards, I wouldn't want to go home either. I remember how later in my childhood I still felt guilty for this behavior, because mom must have been so ashamed. I'd hang around teachers and daycare adults all the time. I wanted to hug everyone, because that was what I so desperately wanted.
My dad could never give hugs. Sometimes he'd allow it, but it would feel so distant. If my mom was starting to freak out about me, he'd sometimes intervere and call me to 'it's done now!' and 'go to bed'! No matter the time. I'd lay in my bed, just trying to curl up and feel somewhat comfortable.
In primary school, I would constantly visit friends. It continued in highschool too. I had two music classes and sports, so for four days a week I was settled after school - not having to go home immediately. Home didn't feel safe. It wasn't a constant. Some days there would be dinner at a nicely put dinner table and we'd eat together, some days I'd just eat some bread myself.
Some days mom would just be lying in bed. I found a video, that's why I remember. She would'nt get out until the beginning of the evening. This was in the time she would normally make me some lunch, or ya-know, take care of me. Suddenly I'd have to do everything alone.
I was constantly entertaining myself with imaginary friends at home. I'd play outside until I was 17 or so, alone. My cat was pure innocence and love but when I told my parents he was 'coughing' they didn't want to believe me. They only took him to the vet when it was too late and never apologized or were able to own up for this.
When I was 14 I wrote in my diary I was looking forwards to visit grandma. She's my mom's mom, and I would sometimes spend up to a week there just to be able to relax and be loved unconditionally. My mom would terroize me with her stress and anger and accusations to a point I couldn't focus on school. I wrote how she'd come into my room calling me names and how I couldn't read my homework papers through the tears.
My dad was never really there. He'd choose himself to be out of the house in the morning before mom and I'd be out and then when he was back he wouldn't make it further into the house than his TV chair. My parents would watch TV for hours when I was a kid. If I asked "what are you watching" they'd both go "Shhhh!". If I'd push it futher, the'd send me upstairs.
I feel like I spend so much time just hiding from my parents. Wheter it was upstairs in my bedroom all day, and night, or if it was outside. I now also remember just biking for hours crying hoping someone would stop and console me. I'd make the wrong friends and smoke weed at 16 just to stop the thoughts.
I would visit friends just because their house was calm and safe. I'd get a nice dinner there, and it would be a whole new experience. My parents would always be easily agitated. I am hyper senstive, hyper aware. I get uncomfortable just seeing them being uncomfortable. I remember I could already feel the energy from streets away. Sometimes I knew it would be wrong and I'd just bike somewhere else and go home later.
In one diary entry, I describe how my parents told me to write a letter to my dad's mom for her birthday. I finish the letter, and only then I allowed myself to take a shower and take care of myself. I would rot in bed, and rot in my dirty hair for days, just like mom. On other days she'd be so happy, she'd be re-decorating the entire house, invite me to go rollerskating.
But I also remember how many times my parents threatened to throw me out of the car. I remember how my 'reaction' to whatever they 'gave me' would never suffice. Then I would be the bad guy, for not being thankful.
My parents, they did everything for me. They paid for everythingg. Ya-da Ya-da, but I never had a proper hug from my dad. I don't know why he's even with my mom. I think he's a fun dude, but he's in mental pain. My mom told me way too young how her trauma's affected her. My dad's childhood would always be an excuse that I had to empathize with when I asked mom as a kid "if dad really loved me".
Other memories involve me running upstairs and then one parent following me. I don't remember getting hurt physically, but I remember all my life the pain I can see in their eyes.
If I look at pictures from my teenage years now, I can finally see the depression in my eyes. It took me up until this year to finally understand that having a clean kitchen and bathroom is something you do because you think you are worthy of a clean space. I had to get out of a depressionhole again over the years many times. I now realize the constant self critisism should have been self love. So that I would feel worthy of taking a shower and brushing my teeth.
I now see how what I saw as 'good experiences' are mostly just my parents taking me somewhere to do some activity and it just fits the perfect family picture. I was their only child but we'd celebrate christmas with many, many presents for me. But once my grandparents didn't live anymore, the birthday parties and tradition celebrations weren't hosted anymore by my parents. I wonder for who they truly did it. I was a golden child, but later in life I was just a burden.
I moved out the first chance I got. They didn't stop me. I was barely 17. I got into partying and drug abuse. I would sleep for weeks in bed. Barely ate. Then I would drag myself out of it again and have missed my mom's birthday. I was the one ruining the relationship to them.
I realized last year my parents had not called me for over 7 months. That was the first time I cried since the last time I did as teen. It's always coming from me.
My depression, my axieties and the treatment my parents gave me were never seen. It was never validated until I could finally read my diary with new eyes and watch those videos. I never got professional help but I will look for this now. I am really longing for someone to tell me what I was going through wasn't normal.
I did not remember this until yesterday, BUT, I am so used to being called weak, sensitive, a cry-baby, a bitch, for telling my mom how her verbal abuse made me feel. I feel so weird, how I repressed all of this for so long and the past years I tried so hard to still visit them and give them hugs and they felt good and now it all just feels fake and weird again.
Well yeah, so this is about everything that's been on my mind today. I feel totally weird. It's a tuesday and I couldnd't even work today. I am lost.

Find the official English Translation links in the table below. The unofficial translation (only if officials do not exist) will stay in the comments so make sure to look through these as well.
To submit a Novel in the comments (that has no official translation) please use the following format: Novel Title (Adaptation Title if it exists): [Link](here insert the actual link)
still need to clean up the table a bit

Novel Title (BL/GL)	Author	Adaptation Title	Official Novel Link -Eng. Translation	Tags
23.5 When the Earth is Spinning Around (GL)	น้ำเงิน นามสมมุติ / TULIP	23.5	Novel
2gether (BL)	JittiRain / maggie mae	2gether	Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Special
A Secretly Love (BL)	Avery Pie		Novel
Apple (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	Apple	Novel	18+
Be My Favorite (BL)	JittiRain	Be My Favorite	Novel
Bed Friend อย่าเล่นกับอนล (BL)	littlebbear96	Bed Friend	Novel
Blank (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	Blank + Blank Season 2	Novel
Call my Name! I'm not Kamphan (BL)	Faddist		Novel
City of Stars (BL)	ร เรือในมหาสมุท / TULIP	City of Stars	Vol. 1, Vol. 2
Dark Blue Kiss (BL)	Hideko_Sunshine	Dark Blue Kiss	Novel
Dream (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	My Marvellous Dream Is You	Novel
Engineer Cute Boy: Hottie & Cutie (BL)	JittiRain	Perfect10 Liners	Vol. 1, Vol. 2
FAH LAN RUK (BL)	bambam	Fahlanruk	Novel
Gap (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	GAP	Novel
Gap Eternity (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	/	Novel
I Feel You Linger in the Air (BL)	VIOLET RAIN	I Feel You Linger in the Air	Novel
Irresistible (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	Irresistible
Love Sand (BL)	Mame	/	Novel
Love Sea (BL)	Mame	Love Sea	Novel
Love Sky (BL)	Mame	Love in the Air	Novel
Love Storm (BL)	Mame	Love in the Air	Novel
Manner of Death (BL)	Sammon	Manner of Death	Novel
My Only 12% (BL)	afterday	My Only 12%	Novel
Pluto (GL)	เจ้าปลาน้อย	Pluto	Novel
Spirit Reborn - Khemjira’s Rescue (BL)	Cali	Spirit Reborn	Novel
Sunsetxvibes (BL)	Rosesarin_	SunsetxVibes	Novel
The Secret of Us (GL)	Mee Nam	The Secret of Us	Novel, Special Chapter
The Sign (BL)	I-Rain-Yia	The Sign	Novel
To be continued (BL)	Nottakorn	To Be Continued	Novel
Triage (BL)	Sammon	Triage	Novel
True Moon (BL)	Aiden N Vivienne	True Moon	Vol. 1 ,True Moon
Vice Versa (BL)	JittiRain / TULIP	Vice Versa	Vol. 1, Vol. 2
Wandee Wittaya (BL)	Nottakorn	Wandee Goodday	Novel
What Zabb Man (BL)	พราวแสงเดือน	What Zabb Man!	Novel
...

This list was made to avoid repetitive "Where to find" posts!

My son (12M) was diagnosed T1D in early April, so we've only been battling this for 6 weeks and it's been a hell of a rollercoaster. Last night I made frozen pizza and swear I calculated his insulin correctly, but it's as if he rec'd nothing. He was at 300 2 hrs after finishing eating, trending up, so I gave him 1 unit to see if maybe he just needed a small bolus. At midnight he was 350 and still trending up, so I gave him a correction dose minus the 1 unit from earlier and called Endo. Endo never called me back, but he started trending down, so I went to bed. At 3am he dropped to 90, but was steady and still within normal range. At 5am he was back in the 150s. At 6am he was in the 170s, but trending down, and throwing up, can't keep anything down. No ketones in his urine. At 7:30am he was back at 200, so I gave a correction. Once he was back in range, he said he didn't feel nauseous anymore and has been sleeping ever since.
To add insult to injury - just got a letter from insurance saying they aren't going to cover his hospital stay from when he was diagnosed. So now I have to start the appeal process. Any suggestions?
I just hate all of this.

Hello again,
If you're a writer, invariably you end up getting asked "Where do you get your ideas from...?" - mostly by people who are either only being polite or just generally because it's their job to get something out of you and everyone loves talking about themselves, right....
Only, we're not really talking about ourself when we talk about where a story comes from, are we?
Oh, sure - the idea - as in I'm going to write a story about this, that or the other - the starting point - probably that's you. Like choosing which colour tie to wear or ordering salad for the starter instead of more bacon before the bacon you're actually there to eat.
You make out you're in the driving seat but, really - a story tells itself. You might decide how bored you are with it or whether to give it an NSFW tag, whether it's a short story, a novella or a novel - but the bastard thing is actually in there, already and your subconscious brain tells it to you basically for the same reason you tell a child a good night story - it's so as you can pacify it sufficiently so as you can chill downstairs actually doing what you want to do instead of what everyone else thinks you should be doing, including yourself and definitely the kid...
Because, you're the monkey in this relationship. The organ grinder isn't a particularly nice person, or person at all, really. Rarely does it explain itself, it uses the most expedient thing to keep you (the monkey) occupied so as it can get on with far more interesting stuff it basically never tells you about unless you bug it enough to sort of throw you the occasional bone.
And, so: welcome to creative writing 101...
I wrote the following honest-to-god because it made me laugh. That's the kind of monkey I am. But, as I say - really - I didn't write it: I transcribed what my head decided to shut me up with so it could get on with more interesting things: and I have no idea what.
I'm hoping I never meet the actual me. Or, maybe I did, I just write about what I fear might be true about he, she or it.
The only thing I know for sure is me, the actual me - the thing that writes this me like I'm a reasonable person in situations like these (for example) in real life arranges his cutlery in order in which they most readily inflict the most damage....
And, for some reason, always starting out with the spoons.
I trust you enjoy A Short Essay About Dying - "Slop"

To start, by freedom I mean I am now able to go out to the woods for overnight hiking/camping without a car or anything. My husband bought me a very nice Osprey 65 pack, a new jet stove, and I've been collecting what else I need (cooking, sleeping, clothing, etc.) so I have been ready to go for about 3-4 years, except I had nothing to carry it in easily and comfortably.
Yesterday he took me to REI to look at a new jet stove, then had me fitted for a backpack, tried it on, and he dropped about $450 at the store. He got some nice walking sticks, and we bought a few other things (I really wanted the mushroom book, so I got the mushroom book) so it wasn't all just the bag, but the bag was over 50%.
We immediately went out and took a 1.5 mile hike around a lake with our 4 year old, and I wore my pack stuffed with items to get used to it's sit and how to put it on right.
Last night when we finally got home, I realized I had done nothing in the house, I had to go throw the chicken coop back together (as I was cleaning it out before we impromptuly left), water the garden, check the cats, feed the kittens, flea meds the cats and ferrets. It threw me straight into the stress pit. I sat down and stared at my bag, because when the hell will I habe time to go out? He sprung that he had reserved a hike in camp site I've stared at for years for a night in a couple weeks.
I feel so bad leaving him and my daughter behind, but I haven't had a chance to disappear on my own for years, and I really want this, but I feel like shit, because I never thought I'd actually get to do this.
I love my husband so much, and he's spent 2-3x more on electronics then we did on the pack, which he's not used for quite a while, and I am looking forward to taking overnight trips out for photography trips and possibly spending 3-4 days dispersement camping in West Virginia. I just feel guilty, I feel like soon as I got back home and reality settled, I realized I won't have as much time as I'd hoped.
My husband says it's mom guilt, and if he didn't think I'd use it he wouldn't have bought it for me. He also pointed out that life is short, and one shouldn't stop doing things they love because of a price tag. I spent over half the year in the hospital last year with the possibility of never getting out. It really made me long for my old outdoor hobbies I gave up for an ex, and my ex has started pushing hikes, camping, fishing, gardening, and other outdoor activities on me to bring them back.
I honestly don't remember why I felt like posting this, I think it was mainly because mom guilt is real, and all my childless friends think I'm being stupid about feeling bad about it.

It was my cousin sister's wedding and we are Indians, so if you are Indian or know Indian friends/weddings, you know the drill - the daysss long wedding events, the heavy dresses and jewelry, and also, some serious family dramas.
My cousin and I are very close even if there is a huge age gap between us. Naturally, when her wedding came around I was very excited and I helped a lot with the planning and decoration and the food - literally everything. It was exactly as we have imagined her wedding to be like. Just perfect in every way possible. But again, it's a wedding. How is a wedding ever complete with a Drama Llama? So dear potato community, here is the tea.
The man that my cousin was marrying to, my current BIL, is an amazing man who has been with my cousin since their college days. They were friends in their college days and when they started working they joined the same company so they remained close to each other. Friendship turned into love and they decided to date and eventually get married. Both the families were informed and everyone was very happy with their decisions, except just one person. BIL's sister. She didn't have any personal problems with my cousin, her only issue was that her best friend liked my BIL, let's name this friend the 'idiot' (because she truly is an idiot and this is honestly the nicest word I can use for her).
When idiot found out that BIL loved someone else and is getting married, she went ballistic. She has been trying to get his attention for so many years and he didn't even turn towards her even for one day and he was being head over heels for my cousin. I understand her being upset, I have been a girl in love and in heartbreak too, but I wouldn't try to break someone's marriage because of my heartbreak.
Yes she tried to stop their marriage via BIL's sister. The two forged all types of absurd accusations on my cousin and tried to anonymously sneak in the accusations in means of messages from unknown numbers to my cousin's then future FIL and MIL, to emails and even letters delivered to their doorstep. My cousin was really stressed because she thought the FIL and MIL would think the accusations are true and would stop the wedding. I told her, "don't worry sisso, I am here." (add dramatic music here and imagine a cape on my back).
My cousin's father (my maternal uncle), me and my brother first went to the FIL and MIL to let them know that all of this was false and that my cousin is innocent. We asked them for some time and that we will find proof of who has been sending them those false news and will let them know of everything and then they are free to judge and make decisions from their side. We got the permission from them and decided to get to work immediately.
One thing I forgot to mention was that BIL used to live in his own house in a different state from where his parents lived after he got a job. Before this, my cousin and BIL used to live in one town and went to college together. Once they got their jobs, they both came to my city, BIL got his own house and my cousin came to live with me. His family came to live with him when he told them that he wanted to marry so they came help him with the wedding arrangements. What's unfortunate is that the sister also brought her best friend, the 'idiot', who was in love with my BIL since she was 15 and BIL was 17.
I mentioned BIL having his own separate house in a new town because it was important to mention. Both his sister and the idiot didn't know he installed security cameras in his house and that the camera was pretty well hidden so they couldn't have noticed either. We asked BIL if we can see the camera's recordings and we saw someone early in the morning at 4 am dropping a letter. Guess who it was... THE IDIOT!! We showed it to my cousin's FIL and MIL and they cross questioned the idiot about it and she was in tears and admitted to everything. She and BIL's sister apologized for everything. They were forgiven and it was a happily ever after... or so you thought...
Everything after that was pretty peaceful, all the arrangements were made and we are now at the wedding day. My cousin was really jumpy and on her toes at all times, she was panicking so bad about everything. My brother and I had to sit her down and talk her out of her panic. She however mentioned that she was scared that idiot might try to pull up some sick stunt to ruin her wedding day. I however told to her calm down cause I wouldn't let my precious angel's wedding get ruined. I have seen enough Charlotte's videos to know that we must always have a backup plan prepared in advance in situations like this. And so I did. I collected a lot of information and evidences and kept them in place in case they come in handy.
I had my suspicions that they would do something to mess up the wedding way before it even became a thought in my cousin's mind, so I did a little research about the two. Since we all belong from the same hometown, I got in contact with my friends who still lived in the town that my cousin and my BIL used to live in. I asked around about these two baboons and found out that BIL's sister had a boyfriend and has even slept with him. Premarital smex is a big no no here. As for the idiot, I found out that she was slowly getting BIL's sister into illegal substances and into becoming a call girl. Again, a big no no. And I think no parent in this world would want their child to do something that would end up in trouble for them and the child as well. I knew my cousin's FIL and MIL would be worried about their daughter and take actions immediately if I let them know of this. I would have told them this after the wedding was over anyway, but that would have been in private so no one else would know, but I guess the girls wanted something else.
Once the wedding ceremony started and the guests were all there, they were enjoying, everyone was having fun and giving their blessings to the new husband and wife to be. These two pain in the asses were going around and gossiping about my cousin to everyone. We noticed that, and we came up with a quick solution. I asked two of my male friends, who is very attractive to go and talk to the girls. However I told them to switch on their recorder and be with them no matter what. God bless my two friends, they did exactly what I told them without thinking twice. They came to me after an hour or so and told me what was going on.
The two girls were planning to ruin her wedding dress. When I tell you that shit was costly, IT WAS COSTLY. It was really heavy with all the heavy stone work that was done on the cream colored lehenga and if it was stained it would be ruined. We could not afford that in any cost. She was taking a glass of juice from the juice counters and tried sitting right behind the bride but I stepped in and told her to go sit behind her brother and that I would sit behind my cousin. She was trying so hard but me and my brother kept pushing her off and away from my cousin. Eventually she did manage to throw it but it accidentally landed on someone from the groom's side and she got scolded by her. While her grumpy face was funny to see, I still had enough because if that aunty wasn't there, it would have been my cousin. After the wedding was over and people were going to start taking the photos with the couple, I announced that me and my brother had some things to say. Initially we talked about the bride and the groom but then we shifted the attention to the groom's sister and her friend. We played the audios of the calls I had with her friends in the hometown as a surprise to the groom's sister. There were a lot of angry faces, some on the sister and some on me and my brother. I tried to explain, that had she and her friend not try to ruin my cousin sister's wedding dress, this wouldn't have been broadcasted to the entire wedding venue. I then called my two male friends and both of their faces was in gasps. Both of them pulled out their phones and I played the recordings on one of the phones, which explained how they were still spreading fake news about my cousin and also them planning to ruin my cousin's dress. We also got the video recording of them actively trying to throw the red colored drink on my cousin's dress.
Both of them got kicked out from there and weren't allowed to enter until the rest of the ceremony was over. Both of them stood outside, making attempts to convince anyone who would listen to them and let them in, but no one paid heed to them. Once everyone got home they were scolded badly and my BIL's sister kept screaming at me that I was so mean and rude to have their truths exposed to not just her family, but to every relative and friends who was there to witness the show. While my cousin was glad that I had her back and my brother is standing in support of me, my parents and some of our relatives think that it should have dealt within the family and shouldn't have been exposed to anyone outside of the immediate family members. AITA?
Note: I am so sorry if the post ended up being too long but I just wanted to give all the context that would be required to judge the entire situation and my actions as well. Also if something doesn't make sense just blame it on my sleepy head cause I wrote it in half sleep mode.

Not sure if I’m doing this right but here we go. So I M21 have been talking to this girl F20 for a few months now, nothing really serious but we do vibe and get along pretty well. She has a lotta friends but the focus here are 2 guy friends. One of them she slept with about 4 months before we started talking, and he admitted he had feelings for her but she shut it down and as far as I know he lost feelings. The other one is guy #1’s best friend, and her and him actually did have feelings for each other and went on some dates, but he ended up telling her he didn’t want to continue dating. Recently I went to a party and meet guy #2, I had been to a couple before that with no issue. But at the party with guy 2 after he saw me with her his mood went from vibing to just sitting out side staring off into space. The next time they had a party her guy friends throwing it texted her “come alone” or “don’t bring the guy you’re talking to.” She said she’ll talk to them, but so far shows no sign of even bringing it up. They’ve had 4 get togethers like this and I found out guy 1 took a picture of them sitting by each other and wanted to tag me in it. I don’t want to force her to do anything or push her to confront them but this is really starting to bother me to the point I stay up and can’t sleep. I’ve been cheated on before, my ex made friends with some dudes didn’t like me and she ended up having an emotional affair with one of them and this is making me feel the same way I felt before. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to come between her and her friends, but it feels like they’re disrespecting me. Is there a way I can approach this or just abandon ship? Thank y’all in advance.
TLDR: talking stages friends don’t like me and tell her to not invite me out with her, it’s starting to bother me and I’m not really sure what to do.

Jk, no stolen work here. But what predictions would you make for OS? Here's a conversation I could forsee happening in the book! IF spoilers ahead!
Scenario 1: [Dain dragged violet to the sparring gym after she nearly brings down the entire dorm wing wirh her lightning. He lets her hit him again and again, until the lightning begins to recede and she can disconnect her emotions from the magic floodinf her.]
"You want the truth?" I snap at him. "I think..." I take a steadying breath, willing my pounding heart to calm before I start again. I check my shields to make sure the archive door that leads to Tairn is firmly shut.
"I think love can make you blind. Or, at least it makes you willing to turn a blind eye to so many things. And the worst part is that you don't even question it, you just... you love them so much that you make it work." Dain watched me quietly, not daring to say a word as the words poured out.
"I think once you give that part of yourself away, it's impossible to get back. You wake up one day, and all of a sudden you're not the same person you used to be. And there are days where I don't even know what side I'm on anymore. But he's everything to me, he's my gravity. I can't walk away from him, Dain any more than I could walk away from Tairn or Andarna. Gods help me, even if he drags me to hell I can't walk away from him. And it scares the living shit out of me, but..."
My voice trails off, wavering as I search for the words to convey how completely fucked I am. His dark eyes meet mine, and for a moment he's my Dain again. The boy who climbed trees with me, and caught lizards to slip into Brennan's bed. My Dain, before all of this shit happened and Basgaith changed that fundamental part of us.
"So, I guess that's a no to the private training lessons then?" He winks, his voice landing just flat of his usual teasing tone.
"Shut up, Aetos." I mutter. "You couldn't handle me on the mat, and you know it."
Scenario 2:
[Violet accidentally eavesdropping on dain and ridoc, out of sight. In this context, Xaden pulls a full new moon and left. Sgaeyl refuses to help track Xaden, and nobody knows where he is. It's assumed he's gone for good, after leaving Violet a dramatic "I'll always love you, but this is for the best" letter that's complete bs. She's obviously spending every spare second trying to track him down so she can tell him how dumb she's being, but everyone else thinks he's a lost cause and she should move on.]
"So, how long do you think she's gonna need before she's, you know..." his voice trails off.
"Before she's ready to date again?" Ridoc asks incredulously. I hear Dain clear his throat, and I'm about to throw myself around the corner and deck him when I hear a familiar simpering tone.
"Aetos, let's get one thing clear. One: Once you've had Xaden Riorson... there's no going back to just 'dating'. She's done. Finished. And after everything thats happened, I wouldnt be suprised if she gutted you like a fish if she ever so much as caught wind that you two were standing around discussing her availability like shes the next flock of sheep for your dragons to feed on, like theres not an entire WAR happening out there." I reel, in shock as Cat's normally haughty tone cuts in. If I didn't know any better, I'd almost think there was a hint of... respect in her tone.
"And Two: even if she did move on, it's never going to happen. Sgaeyl might have severed her connection with Xaden, but they're still bonded. So unless you're willing to fight all three of her dragons, to drag her across the continent? It's not going to happen."
I hear Dain mutter something unintelligible, and then the telltale scuff of boots as he storms away and I release a breath I didn't realize I was holding.
"What an asshole." Ridoc grunts.
"Agreed," Cat says, flicking her long braid over her shoulder as she pivots to saunter away.
"Oh, and Rider?" She throws over her shoulder. "If you so much as breathe a word about this conversation happening, I'll see to it that you're stationed on latrine duty for the rest of your life."
"It's Ridoc." He shoots back at her. "And-"
"Whatever, Ridick. Save it for someone who cares."
Scenario 3:
Dain: Breathes.
Everyone: Shut up.

To develop a custom WordPress website, plan your site structure and design. Next, install WordPress on your hosting server and choose a suitable theme or create a custom one. Customize the design and functionality using HTML, CSS, and PHP coding as needed. Add content, including pages, posts, and media, to populate your site. Finally, test your site thoroughly across different browsers and devices to ensure it functions correctly before launching it to the public.
What are the initial steps to create a personalized WordPress site?

1. Define your goals and objectives for the website.
2. Choose a suitable domain name for your WordPress site.
3. Select a reliable web hosting provider that meets your needs.
4. Install WordPress on your hosting server.
5. Choose a theme that aligns with your brand and design preferences.
6. Customize the theme settings and appearance to match your desired look and feel.
7. Create essential pages such as Home, About, Contact, and Services.
8. Install and configure necessary plugins for added functionality.
9. Set up user roles and permissions as per your requirements.
10. Develop a content strategy and plan for creating and organizing your website content.

Step-by-Step Guideline Develop a Custom WordPress Website

Step 1: Choose a Domain Name and Hosting
Your domain name is your website's address on the internet, like www.yoursite.com. Choose a domain name that's easy to remember, relevant to your brand, and not too long. Next, you'll need hosting, which is like renting space on the internet to store your website files. Look for a hosting provider that offers reliable service, good customer support, and enough storage and bandwidth for your needs.
Step 2: Install WordPress
WordPress is a popular platform for building websites because it's easy to use and highly customizable. Many hosting providers offer a one-click WordPress installation, which makes getting started a breeze. Simply log in to your hosting account, find the WordPress installer, and follow the prompts to set up your site. Once WordPress is installed, you can log in to your site's dashboard and start customizing it to your liking.
Step 3: Select a Theme
A WordPress theme determines the overall look and layout of your website. There are thousands of free and premium themes available, so take your time to find one that fits your style and the goals of your site. Look for a theme that's responsive (meaning it looks good on all devices), easy to customize, and well-supported by its developers. Once you've chosen a theme, you can install it on your WordPress site with just a few clicks.
Step 4: Customize Your Theme
Once you've installed your theme, it's time to customize it to make it your own. Most WordPress themes come with built-in customization options that allow you to change things like colors, fonts, and layouts without needing to know any code. Use the theme customizer in your WordPress dashboard to tweak your site's appearance until it looks just the way you want it to. Don't be afraid to experiment until you find the perfect look for your website.
Step 5: Add Content
With your theme customized, it's time to start adding content to your website. Create pages for important information like your Home page, About page, Services page, and Contact page. Use the WordPress editor to add text, images, videos, and other media to your pages. Write clear, engaging copy that tells visitors what your website is about and encourages them to explore further. Remember to proofread your content carefully before publishing to ensure it's free of errors.
Step 6: Install Plugins
WordPress plugins are like apps that add extra features and functionality to your website. There are thousands of plugins available for everything from contact forms to social media integration to search engine optimization. Think about the goals of your website and choose plugins that will help you achieve them. Be selective about the plugins you install, as too many can slow down your site and cause conflicts. Install and activate your chosen plugins from the WordPress plugin directory, then configure them to suit your needs.
Step 7: Optimize for SEO
Search engine optimization (SEO) is the process of improving your website's visibility in search engine results. A well-optimized website is more likely to rank higher in search results, driving more traffic to your site. Install an SEO plugin like Yoast SEO or All in One SEO Pack to help you optimize your content for relevant keywords, add meta tags and descriptions, and improve your site's overall SEO performance. Take the time to research keywords relevant to your niche and incorporate them naturally into your content for the best results.
Step 8: Test and Launch
Before you launch your website, it's important to test it thoroughly to ensure everything is working correctly. Check your site on different devices and browsers to make sure it looks good and functions properly. Test all links, forms, and interactive elements to make sure they work as expected. Once you're confident that everything is working as it should, it's time to launch your website and share it with the world. Celebrate your hard work and take pride in your new custom WordPress website!
Step 9: Maintain and Update
Building a website is just the beginning – maintaining it is an ongoing process. Regularly update your content to keep it fresh and relevant, and update your plugins and themes to ensure your site stays secure and performs well. Monitor your site's performance using tools like Google Analytics, and make adjustments as needed to improve usability and user experience. Listen to feedback from your visitors and make changes accordingly to keep your website running smoothly and meeting the needs of your audience.
What do you consider to select hosting and a domain name for your WordPress site?
Firstly, you'll want to choose a hosting provider that offers good speed and reliability. Look for one that has a solid reputation and good customer support in case you run into any issues. Consider your budget too, as hosting costs can vary.
As for the domain name, it's important to choose something that's easy to remember and relevant to your site's content. Avoid using complicated or obscure words that might be hard for people to spell or remember. It's also a good idea to check if your desired domain name is available on social media platforms to maintain consistency across your online presence. Lastly, think about whether you want to use a .com, .net, or other domain extension, keeping in mind what best suits your site's purpose and audience.
How do you evaluate and choose a theme that suits your brand and design preferences?
Firstly, consider your brand identity and the message you want to convey to your audience. Look for a theme that aligns with the style, colors, and overall feel of your brand.
Next, think about the functionality you need. Do you want a theme that's highly customizable or one that's more straightforward? Consider features like layout options, customization options, and compatibility with plugins you might want to use.
It's also important to check the responsiveness of the theme. Make sure it looks good and functions well on various devices, including smartphones and tablets.
Lastly, take some time to browse through different themes and read reviews from other users. This can give you a better idea of what to expect and help you make an informed decision that suits your brand and design preferences.
What essential pages should you create first?

• Homepage
• About Us/About Me
• Contact Page
• Products/Services Page
• Blog
• Privacy Policy
• Terms of Service
• Legal Pages (Disclaimer, Copyright Notice, etc.)

How do you decide which plugins to install?

1. Identify Needs: Determine the specific functionality you require for your site.
2. Research: Look for plugins that offer the features you need.
3. Ratings and Reviews: Check plugin ratings and read user reviews to gauge reliability and performance.
4. Compatibility: Ensure the plugin is compatible with your WordPress version and other installed plugins.
5. Active Installations: Choose plugins with a high number of active installations for reliability and community support.

Example:

• Yoast SEO (for search engine optimization)
• Contact Form 7 (for creating contact forms)
• WooCommerce (for e-commerce functionality)
• Jetpack (for security, performance, and site management)
• WP Super Cache (for caching to improve site speed

How do you integrate custom features and functionalities into your WordPress site?
Integrating custom features and functionalities into your WordPress site involves adding extra capabilities beyond what comes with the standard installation. One way to do this is by using plugins. These are like apps for your website, and they can add all sorts of new features, from contact forms to e-commerce shops.
For example, let's say you want to add a feature for visitors to book appointments on your site. You could search for a booking plugin like "Bookly" or "Appointment Booking Calendar." After installing and activating the plugin, you'd typically set it up by following the provided instructions, which might involve configuring settings, creating booking forms, and placing them on your site where you want them to appear.
Another way to integrate custom features is by adding code directly to your site. This could involve writing your own custom functions or modifying existing ones. For instance, if you wanted to add a custom sidebar widget displaying your latest Instagram photos, you might need to write some PHP code to fetch the photos from Instagram's API and display them on your site.
In summary, integrating custom features and functionalities into your WordPress site can be done through plugins or by adding custom code, allowing you to tailor your site to your specific needs and preferences.
How do you manage user roles and permissions?
RoleCapabilitiesHow to Manage AdministratorCan do everything, including managing other users, installing plugins, and changing themes.Go to Users > All Users in the dashboard, find the user, and change their role to Administrator. EditorCan publish and manage posts, including those of other users.Go to Users > Add New, fill in user details, and assign the role of Editor. AuthorCan publish and manage their own posts only.In Users > All Users, select a user and change their role to Author. ContributorCan write and manage their own posts but cannot publish them.Add or edit a user and assign the role of Contributor. SubscriberCan only manage their own profile and read content.Change the user role to Subscriber in the Users section.
What security measures should you implement to protect your custom WordPress website?
To protect your custom WordPress website, you need to implement several security measures. Here are some specific steps:

1. Install a Security Plugin: Use plugins like Wordfence or Sucuri. They offer features like malware scanning and firewall protection.
2. Use Strong Passwords: Make sure all users have strong, unique passwords. A good password includes letters, numbers, and symbols.
3. Enable Two-Factor Authentication (2FA): This adds an extra layer of security. Users will need to enter a code from their phone in addition to their password.
4. Keep WordPress Updated: Always update WordPress to the latest version. Updates fix security vulnerabilities.
5. Limit Login Attempts: Use a plugin like Limit Login Attempts Reloaded to prevent brute-force attacks.
6. Change the Default "admin" Username: Don’t use "admin" as your username. Choose something unique to make it harder for hackers to guess.
7. Use HTTPS: Get an SSL certificate to encrypt data between your website and visitors. Most hosting providers offer this for free.
8. Backup Your Site Regularly: Use plugins like UpdraftPlus to create regular backups. If your site gets hacked, you can restore it.

How do you ensure responsiveness and mobile-friendliness in a custom WordPress site?
To ensure your custom WordPress site is responsive and mobile-friendly, follow these steps:

1. Pick a Responsive Theme: Start with a theme known for being responsive, such as Astra or GeneratePress.
2. Use a Mobile-Friendly Plugin: Install plugins like WP Touch, which help make your site mobile-friendly.
3. Apply Media Queries: Add CSS media queries to adjust your layout for different screen sizes. For example:

(Css code)@media (max-width: 768px) {
.sidebar { display: none; }
.content { width: 100%; }
}

1. Flexible Images and Videos: Ensure images and videos resize properly with:

(Css code)img, video { max-width: 100%; height: auto; }

1. Mobile Menu: Use a plugin like Responsive Menu to create a user-friendly mobile menu.
2. Optimize for Speed: Compress images using a plugin like Smush and enable caching with a plugin like W3 Total Cache.
3. Testing: Regularly test your site on different devices and browsers. Tools like Google’s Mobile-Friendly Test and BrowserStack can help.

How do you troubleshoot and debug issues that arise during the development of a custom WordPress site?
Troubleshooting and debugging issues during the development of a custom WordPress site involves several steps. Here are some real-world challenges and specific issues you might encounter:

1. White Screen of Death (WSOD): This issue often occurs due to PHP errors, plugin conflicts, or exhausted memory limits. Solution: Enable WordPress debugging by adding define('WP_DEBUG', true); to your wp-config.php file to display error messages. Check the error log for specific issues.
2. Plugin Conflicts: Plugins can conflict with each other or with the theme, causing functionality problems.Solution: Deactivate all plugins and reactivate them one by one to identify the conflicting plugin. Check for updates or consider alternative plugins.
3. Theme Issues: Custom themes might have coding errors or compatibility issues with WordPress updates. Solution: Use a child theme for customizations to avoid losing changes during updates. Validate your theme code using tools like Theme Check.
4. Database Errors: Corrupt or misconfigured databases can lead to errors or data loss. Solution: Use phpMyAdmin to check and repair database tables. Ensure regular backups are in place to restore data if needed.
5. Broken Links and 404 Errors: Incorrect URLs or deleted pages can lead to 404 errors, affecting user experience and SEO. Solution: Use a plugin like Redirection to manage and fix broken links. Regularly check for 404 errors using tools like Google Search Console.
6. Slow Performance: Poor performance can result from unoptimized images, bulky plugins, or inefficient code. Solution: Optimize images, use caching plugins like W3 Total Cache, and minimize CSS and JavaScript files. Profile your site using tools like Query Monitor to identify slow queries.
7. JavaScript Errors: JavaScript errors can break site functionality, especially interactive features. Solution: Use the browser’s developer tools (F12) to inspect the console for JavaScript errors. Fix issues by debugging the scripts or checking for library conflicts.
8. Security Vulnerabilities: Sites can be vulnerable to attacks if not properly secured. Solution: Regularly update WordPress, themes, and plugins. Use security plugins like Wordfence, and implement strong passwords and two-factor authentication.
9. Responsive Design Issues: Ensuring the site looks good on all devices can be challenging. Solution: Use responsive design techniques and test the site on various devices and screen sizes. Tools like BrowserStack can help simulate different environments.
10. User Role and Permission Problems: Incorrect configuration of user roles and permissions can lead to security and functionality issues. Solution: Use the User Role Editor plugin to manage and troubleshoot roles and capabilities. Ensure that users have appropriate access levels.

How do you create a seamless user experience (UX) in a custom WordPress site?
To create a seamless user experience (UX) in a custom WordPress site, start by choosing a clean, responsive theme that looks good on all devices. Ensure your site loads quickly by optimizing images and using caching plugins like W3 Total Cache. Simplify navigation with clear menus and breadcrumbs, making it easy for users to find what they need. Use readable fonts and sufficient white space to make content easy to read. Add a search bar so visitors can quickly locate information. Implement intuitive forms with clear labels and error messages. Regularly test your site on different devices and browsers to ensure everything works smoothly. By focusing on these details, you can make your WordPress site user-friendly and enjoyable to navigate.
How do you implement e-commerce functionality in a custom WordPress site?
To implement e-commerce functionality in a custom WordPress site, start by installing a reliable e-commerce plugin like WooCommerce. Set up your store by adding products with detailed descriptions, prices, and images. Configure payment gateways such as PayPal or Stripe to accept online payments securely. Customize the appearance of your store using built-in themes or by modifying CSS styles. Create user-friendly navigation with categories and filters to help customers easily browse products. Implement shopping cart functionality to allow users to add items and proceed to checkout seamlessly. Set up shipping options and rates based on location and weight. Test the entire purchasing process to ensure it works smoothly for users. Regularly update plugins and monitor sales to optimize your e-commerce site for success.
Conclusion
Creating a custom WordPress website involves several key steps. You start by deciding on your site's goals and picking a domain name and hosting provider. Then, you install WordPress, choose a theme, and customize it to match your brand. Next, you add content, like pages and posts, and install plugins for extra features, such as contact forms or SEO optimization. You'll want to make sure your site is responsive and works well on mobile devices. Lastly, you test everything thoroughly before launching your site to ensure it's ready for visitors. And don't forget to keep it updated and secure over time!

Hi Everyone -
Hope this is the correct place for this question. Im based in the UK and struggle to go to physical shops due to disabilities/health so shop online for pretty much everything I purchase.
I have recently bought some short dungarees from Lucy and Yak which I was very excited about due to their companies ethos.
I looked at the measurements and there was no height include (important in dungarees) so naturally ordered the size up to allow for height (I’m pretty tall) before purchasing I checked the refund/exchange policy and it states as long as I return the item within 30 days, item is clean, unwashed and with the tags still on it’s fine. (Excludes rights, underwear etc) Purchased this as it would allow me to try on the item and return for exchange if was the incorrect fit (like the majority of shops)
Item delivered and was wayyyy too big like felt like 10 sizes too but not just one. Tried it on so opened the plastic bag it was delivered in - if I did not do this I wouldn’t have been able to try it on. Included in the bag is a return slip with the option of “item wrong size” followed all the delivery options - clean, tags still on, not washed etc literally had it on for 30 seconds over clothes and returned within the time allowed.
Anyway just received an email from Lucy & Yak and they have said my exchange request had been decline and original item will be returned to me. The reason for the exchange being declined was because “the plastic bag had been opened”
That’s right the PLASTIC BAG was opened.
How are people meant to try clothes on and return if the item is the wrong size (as per the return slip included)?!
Basically what are my options, these dungarees are around £50 and I have abided by their refund/Exchange policy - completely would be owning this if they did not have a return policy or I had not followed this to the letter.
It’s pretty disappointing that individuals who are maybe plus sized/tall/disabled/new customers etc can’t engage with their company and products unless they are able to try clothes on in the store etc
Please could anyone advise me? Sure it would be a breach of the consumer rights act? As they have a policy and are not adhering to this?
Thanks I’m advanced and sorry it was so long!!
Just to add I’d be happy to give them 50p for the plastic bag 😂

i applied for disability in July of 2022 (i have autism and also something physically wrong with my knee but my doctor hasn't figured out what it actually is yet.)
after over a year of going back and forth with the stupid disability place and them sending me packets upon packets or the stupidest questions and me filling them out and sending it back and phone calls and a meeting with a psychiatrist and all kinds of jumping through hoops, they denied it. my autism was diagnosed when i was a toddler and they told me i most likely won't get disability without an updated diagnosis, like they think autism is just something i can outgrow or something.
well, the whole time I've been dealing with them I've also been trying to get refered somewhere to get an updated autism diagnosis but it's very hard to find someone who will diagnose adults, is close enough for me to actually go to (because diagnoses like that usually take multiple appointments), takes my insurance, and doesn't have a 2+ year waiting list. my doctor found me one single place that actually met the criteria (it still had like a 3 year waiting list but beggers cant be choosers) and sent a referral for me but they just never got back to my doctor or me because I also called and asked about it. I've also been doing blood work and x rays and physical therapy and trying really hard to figure out what's wrong with my knee but nothing has come up yet so I'm still just suffering with that.
Well, i appealed the disability thing, they sent it to a judge cause that was the next step, i had a hearing with a judge and a job expert and the judge asked me why i felt like i couldn't work and i literally had a breakdown and cried and told him how i had one job before and it was a super basic job at goodwill working in the back sorting books and not dealing with the public but I still couldn't handle it. I explained how working that job made my knee swell up and be in near constant pain and how the job (working barely 10 hours a week) made me so exhausted that I literally couldn't function outside of work. I would go to work, come home, sleep until my next shift and repeat. I felt like a zombie. The only time I would function was the weekends (barely) and all of that energy and time would be spent on meal prepping for the week so I wouldn't starve because I knew I wouldn't have the energy to make food, and I would do the dishes that piled up all week and sometimes if I had enough energy I would even shower on the weekends. I was so depressed and exhausted and not functioning outside of work at all and one day I woke up at 6 am to my alarm for work and i decided I was either going to quit my job or I was going to off myself and i had the self awareness to quit my job instead of trying to delete myself. and i had such a big meltdown and told all of this to the judge and more. and then i had to sit there, still crying and trying to collect myself while the judge talked with the fricken job expert about how many 'low effort, readily available jobs' HYPOTHETICALLY could exist in my town (this was all based on some bullshit guestimating math equation instead of realistic research into the topic) and then he had the audacity to tell me he "wasn't sure" and "needed time to think about it" just to take 3 fricken months to send me a letter denying my case again because, according to their stupid bullshit, i participated in "substantial gainful activity" (the one job i worked for 3 months and quit so I wouldn't commit unalive) therefore i "can't be disabled."
and it just felt like a spit in the face. like this man really listened to me have a mental breakdown about how the easiest job i could find, working 2-3 hours a day 3 days a week, made me so depressed and nonfunctionial that i was about one more shift away from taking myself off this planet and how my knee hurt so bad i literally just wanted to cut my leg off right above it if it would make the pain stop, and about my autism and how i don't feel like a human i just feel like i was shoved into a human suit and thrown on my ass like 'good luck, figure it out.' and he really listened to all that and still decided that 'im not disabled.' and 'theres plenty of jobs I can do, I just have to find one.' like I'm so stressed and depressed and worried about money constantly that I barely have the capacity to take on anything else, let alone another job that's gonna make me wanna blow my brains out again. I got the letter today and I've cried like 3 times about it because it really feels like I'm already down on the ground and he just decided to kick me with spikey steel toed boots.
I have one more appeal left, where it goes to a disability council (whatever that means) and their options are 1. deny it (most likely to happen) 2. send it back to the judge to 'look at it again' (basically guaranteed for it to get denied) 3. approve it (very very highly unlikely) or 4. throw it out (why is that even an option? That's so stupid) so its like an 80%+ chance of it getting denied from here, and if it gets denied at this point then i have to start all over and the last two years of waiting and hoops and paperwork and crying and pain and feeling like a puppet on display trying to "prove I'm disabled" will just mean literally nothing. And that's a really depressing thing to think about, that the last 2 years of my time and effort and humiliation were basically for nothing.
Besides that, if it gets denied again and I have to start all over, and there's no point in even doing that unless i can get new 'evidence' (like an updated autism diagnosis, which I can't because the one place thats close enough, takes my insurance, and actually tests adults, has a 2+ year waiting list and also won't fricken get back to me about even getting me on that stupid waiting list) and even if I do get an updated diagnosis, they can still deny me disability. I hate this so much.
I feel like a giant brick wall has fallen on top of me. I'm so exhausted mentally and I'm so stressed and I'm so tired of worrying about money and not being able to buy things i need and just barely surviving and I'm just so exhausted of it all. i live with my boyfriend and he has disability and it all goes to the bills and stuff so we have water and power and things, but most times we don't have cleaning supplies or toilet paper or things like that because we don't have the money for it. we only have food because we have foodstamps. I've had my whole wardrobe since highschool and I'm down to 2 pairs of shorts and 3 pairs of leggings because they all rip at the thighs after a while and I'm running out but I don't have money for clothes, y'know? And my boyfriends mom owns the house we live in (she bought it so he wouldn't have to worry about rent and stuff, but then told him he has to pay her back rent for all the years he's been here when he has the money) and she recently told me that when/if i get on disability she expects back rent from me all the way from 2021, which would be like $20,000 at this point and that number just keeps building and it feels like a giant tower looming over me. I don't feel like I'm living, I feel like I'm just barely surviving. And i know there are people out there that have bigger worries then running out of toothpaste and shampoo and not being able to afford more, but like. It's still very real worries I have and I just feel like garbage about it and I'm constantly worried about money and it's just so exhausting.
And to have someone look at me and disect my situation and basically tell me that I'm "not disabled" and basically that I dont deserve money that would help me possibly survive is like a punch in the gut. It hurts, a lot. And I'm so exhausted and upset and frustrated and i really don't know what to do anymore, about any of this stuff.

hi all,
my step-son is 8 years old, and we are in a bit of chaos at the moment…
to break it down as simply as possible:
this has been ongoing for YEARS. dad and i have warned mom and step dad that things would get worse if they didn’t change their ways
okay context time:
been in step-son’s life since 1 and a half. met dad after their split from mom cheating on him with her now husband.
dad and i are authoritarian/warm demanders, routined and structured, we welcome kiddo to share his feelings and thoughts, we have had him learning daily living skills since he was 3, and encouraging constructive communication, have really, really invested our time in trying to parent in a way that builds responsibility, independence, kindness, and empathy. he is a FABULOUS kid, and i promise i’m not just saying that because i love him to bits! he’s so sweet, and thoughtful, and really goes out of his way to pay it forward, be a leader, role-model, and is generally well-behaved. he writes us morning notes, makes coffee or tea, sometimes toast (yes i eat the burnt toast for him!). i started writing in a notebook little letters for him to read in the mornings or on his homecoming. we all do little things for one another! he does the dishes to help or little things around the house because he knows dad and i have big days at work and myself university. he literally is so awesome! now, this isn’t to saywe aren’t immune to annoyances or disagreements, but he self-manages and is wonderful at communicating. dad and i stay calm, and offer a safe space for communication
mom and stepdad are….total opposites. they have 2 other kids, one is under the age of five and a 1 year old. mom is a stay at home mom, lets kiddos get away with everything, just recently, 8 year old is slapping mom across the face, throwing tantrums, cussing, throwing objects when not getting his way, sneaking the iphones for Pokemon Go, just straight up disrespecting them, telling them no or they don’t make the rules, he has carved the word “shit” into the car that was loaned to mom by her in-laws, and completely ripped it apart due his angetantrums. mom doesn’t do much to stop it. kiddo perceives it as he can do whatever he wants. mom and step-dad say he DOES whatever he wants, and won’t listen. kiddo is basically making the rules, and they’re blaming HIM for everything.
suggested family therapy as their family dynamic is wildly dysfunctional (not being judgmental but step-dad has a temper, mom doesn’t do much and is like a “disney-land” parent, again no routine or structure, and no consistency) mom lets kiddo get on iphone and sneak things behind step-dad’s back! anyhow, they’re seeing a family therapist, and we have attended to support them though they literally don’t listen to my spouse and i’s advice or thoughts without taking things personal
our kiddo has said, “i like you more than mom”, “they won’t change and they won’t listen. they have shown me already they don’t want to change or make the effort” and i just feel SO sad for him
we get him 50/50 and it’s really lovely but he does not want to go back and wants to be with dad and i. my heart breaks for him, and i just want to remedy this but it’s so hard with mom and step-dad
i told them friday that listen, you want this to end you’ve got to start taking accountability and being firm! get yourself on a routine, become disciplined, and change your lifestyle. i don’t know. i guess i’m just frustrated for the little guy, like why do children have to be the ones expected to change and take accountability and not the adults?
have you any thoughts on this, or advice? we all get along, but dad and i take the high road because she can be a little drama oriented
thank you all sooo much in advance. i do not have a strong support system when it comes to step-parenting 💚

Venue: Greensboro Coliseum (Greensboro, NC)
Attendance: ~8,200

Winner	Loser	Match Finish	Stipulation
Chad Gable w/ The Alpha Academy	Sami Zayn	Chaos Theory after Otis attacks Sami
Bron Breakker	Kale Dixon	Spearb
Lyra Valkyria	Iyo Sky	Pin Reversal	Queen of the Ring Semifinal
The Awesome Truth (c) w/ Braun Strowman	Finn Balor and JD McDonough w/ Dominik and Carlito	AA after Braun Strowman runs down and causes JD to run into the ring	For the World Tag Team Championships
Shayna Bazler and Zoey Stark	Damage Ctrl, Ivy Nile and Maxxine Dupree, Katana Chance and Kayden Carter	Alley-Oop Knee	#1 Contender for the Women's Tag Team Championships
GUNTHER	Jey Uso	Chokehold	King of the Ring Semifinal

• Kickoff with Intercontinental Champion Sami Zayn making his way to the ring. He says we are 5 days away from King and Queen of the Ring and he finds himself in a triple threat with Bronson Reed and Chad Gable for his Intercontinental Championship. Sami says he agreed to this match despite the disadvantage because he has two issues to deal with, one is very personal with Chad Gable and vows that Chad Gable has an ass kicking coming his way. The other issue with Bronson Reed isn't personal, all he cares about is the title, so the way Sami sees it this is a fight between the mind, Chad Gable, the body, Bronson Reed, and the soul, Sami Zayn. Sami says if he's putting his money down he's betting on soul every single time because it's that passion that is the reason he's holding this title right now and he was able to beat GUNTHER at Wrestlemania, and why he will walk out this Saturday still champion. Chad Gable comes out with the Alpha Academy in tow. Chad says he isn't manipulative, he selfishlessly coached Sami to victory at Wrestlemania and says he's been too damn nice to Sami and the three clowns standing behind him. Take Maxxine for example, she should be competing in the Queen of the Ring finals but she blew her opportunity and she's a failure. Tozawa did 0% of the damage he demanded he do to Bronson last week which makes him a failure as well. Chad turns his attention to Otis and says last week he proved once again why he is the biggest disappointment on the planet. Sami says he's heard just about enough and asks the Alpha Academy how much longer are they gonna deal with this guy's crap?! Chad says he sees what Sami is trying to do but the three of them have already re-dedicated themselves to him and the Alpha Academy. Chad says he's sick of hearing Sami go on about his heart and his soul, it's pathetic and says in Saudi Arabia he's going to pin Sami and won't just be taking that tile, he's taking his soul. Sami says Saudi isn't for another 5 days and last he checked they're scheduled for one on one competition tonight and both of them are dressed and ready to go so let's get it on.
  
• During the opening match Chad tries to get Maxxine and Tozawa to cheat on his behalf but both hesitate, causing him to make them go to the back. After Otis also fails to attack Sami as well Chad slaps him before grabbing the title belt to try and strike Sami. Sami ducks but Otis attacks him while his is in the corner, allowing Chad to his the Chaos Theory for the win.
  
• Backstage Chad is interviewed after his victory but there is a commotion and the camera rushes to find Crus Del Toro laid out with the rest of the LWO checking on him asking is Carlito did this.
  
• After the referee stoppage Bron runs the ropes and nails Dixon with a third spear before throwing him to the outside. Bron goes to attack him with the steel steps but officials rush down to stop him. Bron backs up and grabs a steel chair which he uses to bash Dixon's skull betwee the corner of the steps. Bron walks off as paramedics rush down to attend to Dixon. After the break Dixon is loaded into an ambulance and Adam Pearce shouts for Bron and says he's never been good at math so make this add up for him. Bron says Pearce didn't put him in King of the Ring, this is what he gets.
  
• Backstage Becky tells Lyra has come a long way for this and she's gotta go out there and show why it's been all worth it. Lyra says she's got it.
  
• Lyra is interviewed after her victory, but before she can speak Iyo shouts in Japanese at her before leaving. Lyra says three weeks ago she wouldn't believe that she'd be standing there beating a former WWE Women's Champion, and says it doesn't matter how you get the job the done as long as you believe you can and now she is only one Nightwing away from being Queen of the Ring.
  
• R-Truth is talking with New Catch Republic when Miz comes in and tells Truth they may be in a disadvantage going against Judgement Day. R-Truth says his good friend Andre the Giant told him he's got their back as Miz has to tell Truth that Andre passed about 30 years ago. Truth asks what he passed on before walking. Miz looks up and says they could use Andre in spirit tonight, Truth walks back and says people call him crazy before waving up at the sky.
  
• Earlier today GUNTHER is standing in the stands and admits he was wrong, 7 months ago he mocked Jey Uso, but he has turned himself to one of the hottest people in this company and later tonight these seats will be filled with thousands of people cheering in delusion. GUNTHER says he deals in reality and says tonight it won't matter who is the more exciting act on the way to the ring, it's about who is best once that bell rings and after that final bell rings all those people will embrace him and soon he will be King of the Ring.
  
• In the Judgement Day Clubhouse Finn and JD say they are ready to bring the tag titles back, Priest moves to Dom and Carlito and tells him good work on what he did to Del Toro earlier and Carlito says he came back til the heat dies down. Damian tells him they aren't his personal protection agency and that he needs to keep earning his keep. Dom reminds him that Carlito did help Finn and JD last week so they're cool.
  
• Backstage Shayna Bazler returns! She approaches Zoey Starks and Shayna Bazler and tells them she has something to talk to them about, Zoey seems interested but Shayna shuts it down and says they're busy as they go to prepare for their match
  
• Backstage Becky congratulates Lyra on her win and says they'll never beat the Irish. Lyra continues walking and runs into Liv Morgan who congratulates her as well and says she's shocked she didn't have Becky help her win again like last week. As Lyra goes to explain Liv distracts Lyra before slapping her.
  
• Bronson Reed confronts Sami backstage and tells him he doesn't have to worry about Sami and his mind games, instead he should be looking at the real threat standing right in front of him. Bronson leaves as Otis walks in and Sami says he expected better out of him but maybe he's wrong about him and tells Otis he shouldn't be proud of himself. Otis tells Sami he's truly sorry and Sami believes him. He tells him that Chad isn't a good guy and that he's been in Otis's shoes before and it's time he stops listening to Gable and starts listening to the fans.
  
• Becky Lynch makes her way down to the ring. She says in 5 days she'll be defending her title against Liv Morgan, the two of them have a lot of history, they've fought in honor and in bad blood but not once has Liv beaten her. Now we are dealing a much different Liv Morgan, attacking people from behind and bailing on fights. Becky goes to talk about when she first came over here but Liv comes out to interrupt. She says Becky is gaslighting the fans since last week Becky punched her and she was just getting retaliation and she left once Damage CTRL came out because that wasn't her fight. Liv says she doesn't even care about Becky, her only purpose is to finish the Liv Morgan Revenge Tour. Becky congratulates Liv on finally finding a purpose after being here for 10 years, while she has had her purpose since she first started training at 15, she wanted equality and to break down barriers and wanted to leave things better than she found it, meanwhile Liv just wants revenge and then what. Liv says Becky is the most selfish person in this company and has only ever cared about herself, but since Becky was so kind to ask about someone else for a change Liv says she'll finally sit at the top of the mountain as WWE Champion. Becky says these people have always come here for here, and right now Liv is here and she is here so why wait, let's get this going right now. Liv walks down but turns around at the ring, she says she's doing the smart thing and waiting until the title is actually on the line and tells Becky to cry about it.
  
• Back at the club house Damian demands that someone explains what happened. Carlito says he thought JD was supposed to handle Strowman and Priest tells McDonough to challenge Strowman to a match next week. Priest says he doesn't even recognize them anymore. Finn agrees and tells JD to go to Pearce and get the match made.
  
• In the trainers room the doctor tells Woods he's now cleared to compete and Kofi celebrates and goes off to tell Pearce they're ready to re-enter the tag division. After Kofi leaves Karrion Kross enters and tells Woods there is always times for things to be turned around.
  
• Backstage Ludwig Kaiser says he hopes Jey Uso takes his loss tonight better than Sheamus took his loss. He says Sheamus used to love to fight but now he just pounds at a computer being a keyboard warrior and challenges for Sheamus to come back to Ludwig can put him down for good. After Ludwig Kaiser leaves Drew McIntyre comes out and says he's surprised he's here after being medically disqualified, but the people want him and calls out the paper champion Damian Priest, saying he's spreading himself too thin with the Judgement Day, LWO, Braun, Awesome Truth, and more and says it's the same things he warned Seth about and look how that turned out.
  
• Backstage Chad is talking to the Creed Brothers about amatuer wrestling stories and tells them to keep in mind about what they discussed. Otis walks up and tells Chad he apologized to Sami. Chad assumes he's doing this to soften up Sami and asks Otis if he's all set to help him win back his Intercontinental Championship together and tells him to say it and Otis says of course.
  
• Jey Uso says tonight is the night, there is no tomorrow, the main event vs the Ring General and says he almost had GUNTHER last time but he's gonna finish the job, GUNTHER gonna get a yeetdown while he's about to get that crown.
  

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