Visiting my grandma is so draining!!!
Hello! I am female, 25. My grandma is 77 and lives in a retirement home.
Backstory: I spent most of my childhood days with my grandma. I really loved her and still do. My mom was always working so my grandma took care of me. She is really goofy and sweet and nice.
She has been sick as long as I can remember. Different things like renal insufficiency, arthritis, can’t walk, immense pain in her legs,..
My mom always complained that visiting her was so draining and she hated it because my grandma always told her about her pain 10 times and then she complained about everything else. When I was a kid, she never talked to me about it so I always thought like 'why does mom say such mean things grandma is so nice'
My mom has died 2 years ago. My grandma had to move to a retirement home because her health deteriorated quickly. She almost died but somehow made it through. I was always by her side because I am the only one left in the family. I visited her multiple times a week when she was in the hospital. She was always full of drugs and she couldn’t hear a thing so I always wrote on paper and she answered.
When she moved to where she is now, I tried to visit once a week. I’m pretty busy because of work. I also adopted my moms dog and always have a lot to do. Now that I am the only person my grandma can talk to, other than the people in her home that 'behave like they are 150 years old', she always complains to me about her pain and everything else she is mad about like doctors, men she sees on tv, war, kids behaving badly, other people complaining(yes, really),…
Usually, I enter her room, sit down and then she talks for like 2-3 hours straight without letting me talk. I try but then give up after some time and just listen. When she talks about her pain, she always says it in like 10 different ways, 10 different times. Again and again. I know that she is suffering especially since my mom died and I get that she needs to talk about her pain but I can’t hear it anymore! It is chronic pain so it never changes and I KNOW that she has it. She doesn’t need to tell me again and again. Also, since my mom died it seems like she has beginning stages of dementia. So everything she tells me, she tells me several times.
I love visiting her when we talk about positive things or new changes in my life or a nice movie she has seen. But that almost never happens. It’s like she loads her negativity onto me and I take it back home when I leave.
It’s hard to explain but after listening to her complain for an hour, my body starts to feel as if I am going to pass out. It gets stressful to listen and I feel like I can’t sit straight anymore I get dizzy and get a headache. I am extremely sensitive and empathic, so listening to someone talk about negative things or them suffering is always stressful for me. But with her it’s so bad that my body reacts to it.
This has lead to me not visiting once a week but once every 2-3 weeks. I feel SO bad about it!!! I feel guilty and ashamed. I know I am the only one who visits her and I know how much she loves me and loves seeing me but I just can’t.
Today is week 3 of not visiting her and I know I should visit her today and I’m fighting with myself.
I don’t know what to do. Talking to her about it is not an option. She is extremely sensitive so it would be very hurtful to her. She would take it as me not wanting to hear it and then she would never talk about her feelings again and just stay silent the entire visit.
I try to lead the conversation in different directions but she always ends up complaining again. Most of the time I leave after 1-2 hours because I feel like she sucked out all my energy.
TL;DR Has anyone else experienced something like this? Why is it so hard to listen to someone complain? What can I do to not feel so drained? What’s an appropriate amount of visiting someone in a retirement home?

Chapter 1: the event
It was the fall of my intern year as I bean my off service trauma rotation. This month was ubiquitously notorious for being the most labor intrusive and least productive rotaion of our emergency medicine program. Knowing this I entered with the intention of simply surviving the month.
Another intern and I let’s call them A for sake of ambiguity, we’re the first emergency medicine residents to roste on the trauma services that year. A shaky start would be an understatement. In the words of chance the raper “like my grama with the Parkinson’s playing operation.” Would better describe it. Medically we did well. We were very competent and completed our work daily, but communication and coordination was non existent. Our Cheifs had informed us that Tuesday was our day of and the Trauma cheif residents had minimum communication with us, or our Cheifs as it seams when A and I did not report on Tuesday they sternly made their dissatisfaction known.
I have struggled with insomnia sense the age of 10. Had 2 sleep studies by this point in my life and been prescribed nearly every sleeping aid on the market. The 80-94 hr work weeks of our trauma rotaion only worsened my insomnia. My lack of sleep likely contributed to a less than prime adaptive immune system and 2 days out of my trauma rotaion I contracted strep like symptoms with associated nausea, requiring me to call for a sick day the next day. No the first day that I felt too ill to work. I was not fully aware of the reporting process. I reported to my Chiefs, but I did not believe I could come to work tomorrow with amble time and notice, however I was somewhat delayed in letting their Cheifs know, because the surgical chiefs rotated every few days and I did not know who my was going to be the next day. The second day which I had to call out sick I was able to locate the cheif for the next day and reprot according to our university’s protocol, which requires that if a resident feels they are not fit for work they must not come in and the university must have staff coverage without any fear or implementation of punitive actions.
I had finally survived to the last week of my trauma rotaion and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. What I could not see was the pile of stress, shitty diet, lack of mental well ness and sleep deprivation which I was pushing down to reach the light. By this time I had seen a psychiatrist regularly for sleep medication. I had mentioned to him that I had been experiencing more stressed lately and feel that I might be depressed. he reassured me that it was likely only due to my circumstances, given the difficulty of the trauma rotation and wish to reassess once the rotation was over. Looking back I had to fill the habit of drinking more than I usually do. My only on nights before I have days off became 1-2 beers every other night. All of this repressed unhealthy shit finally pushed bad on September 23rd. That night I was at work even later than usual, I stayed up later than usual and couldn’t seem to fall asleep. With the stress of only having minimal sleep and knowing I only had 2 more days of trauma left, I took an extra dose of my sleeping medication.
I opened my eyes to the fighting sight of sun beaming in my window and I instantly knew I was late. (Sense I hadn’t seen the sun in a month) . Due to my need for scrupulous sleep hygiene I have been sleeping with my phone of and away for me. I rushed to grab it and watched as the little Apple logo seamed to glow on the screen for an eternity. Then in conjunction with its fading I saw 3 missed calls from my director, a text from college A and 2 missed calls from the surgical director. Still, I was able to calm myself, knowing that resident A had been late to this rotation by a few hours 2 other days and nothing came of it. I called my director back and he asked me to report to his office where I was greeted by my director, my coordinator and another emergency medicine facility.
With the only explanation of: “we just want you to get better”, I was handed a letter, to my relief it did not entail my termination, but a declaration of administrative leave and a requirement to undergo an evaluation at a well known university in Florida.
Lake any other savvy millennial, I did my research. By research I mean numerous google searches and screeches thru the depts of redit. To my dismay I discovered that in order for a residency program to fire you, they must first initiate an administrative suspension. I would soon find out however, being terminated would have been a delightful outcome compared to what ensued.
I spend the next few weeks in the wallos of regret and depression. I indulged in higher qualities of alchohol then I ever have before. I all but ceased communing with peers, and abruptly stoped any physical activity I had once enjoyed. Frightened as I was I was ensured, it will be ok “we just want you to get better”
Chapter 2 The evaluation : guilty until proven innocent I did exactly as instructed and scheduled an evaluation, I supposed that this was either a mental evaluation to assess if I’m fit for work with plans of termination or it actually was an evaluation to better treat my insomnia. To this day I regret my ignorance, and wish I had researched the process more. The Hindi / sand-skrt idea of Hamsa 🪬 is that in order to do any good you must have full knowledge or else good intentions can result in harm. I truely believe my director had good intentions, however but him and I did not have full knowledge of the nature of this evaluation.
Looking back see how easily I could have avoided my troubles by asserting legal aid at this point or even by researching this evaluation process more in depth. If one searches impaired practitioner program which I now know this evaluator works for, the search entire will populate 5 or 6 layferms along side their home website and there is a valid reason for this.
If one every finds themself in this process I employ you to bring a DSM to your evaluation or at least be familiar with the most common use disorders in the DSM-5, because your evaluation will turn into a dance of questions where the evaluator attempts to trap you in a round about way to stating something that may qualify for one of the diagnosis. I have provided an image from the DSM-5 below outlining AUD, which the evaluator concluded that I had the most severe from:
Image
Example***** Here are 10 examples of how he fraudulently assessed me taken directly from his assessment note.

1. Evaluator: Have you ever stoped drinking in the last year.

Me: yes I stoped every week day, I was only drinking on the weekends, until two weeks ago.
-Evaluator uses stoping and starting every week to qualify for 2 or more unsuccessful attempts to stop in the last year “There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.”

1. Evaluator Have you ever had withdrawal symptoms

Me no
Evaluator Well Have you ever had a hangover? You know that’s a from of acute withdrawal
Me: yes in college, I had a few but that was years ago and I’m pretty sure the pathophysiology is different.
Evaluator uses this to count for withdrawal symptoms even tho is was more than a year ago

1. Evaluator: Have you even taken your sleeping medication on a day or night which you drank? Me: Yes, I took my prescriptions are prescribed but I never drank close to bed

Evaluator: qualified this as dangerous behavior with alcohol (where the DSM gives examples such as unprotected sex and drunk driving). The sleeping medication I was on is not a benzodiazepine therefore it is not deadly with alcohol. I personally have seen many patients in the ED who have taken their entire bottle of the medication and drank copious amounts, we just monitor them over night and rehydrate them

1. Evaluator Has anyone told you you drink to much or been worried about you Me: No I drink much less than my friends

Evaluator what about your girlfriend? Me: well she actually doesn’t drink at all she doesn’t like it. She often buys me beer for The Weeknd’s tho. One time we went to a movie and she got a little irritated because I waited for beer then complained about them not having any craft beer. So she said, “you couldn’t have just said no” and drank something else. However, she apologized after and said it’s worth waiting if it’s my only day off.
Evaluator said this qualifies for continued drinking despite causing significant relation consequences, ie divorce.

1. Evaluator : you have sleep issues I hear, and your chart says you’ve had depression in the past, don’t you know that alcohol can effect your sleep and mood Me: yes that’s why I never drink within 3 hours of sleep.

Evaluator but you knew this and still drank
Evaluator: qualifies for drinking despite unwanted physical or psychological effects (this should be recurring to effects the alcohol is causing, I have had insomnia sense the age of 10 long before I took my first sip)
7 evaluator you were late for work and told my you had a drink the day before
Me: Yes but I was late because I didn’t sleep and took double my sleeping meds, I will never do that again
Qualifies for 2 significant work or school issues in the past year ( a therapist and other psychologist ensured me that being late on or a few days doesn’t count they typically are getting fired or failing) ( moreover, this would assume I was late do to drinking it’s self and also assume if happened more than once)

1. • Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended

He never once asked anything related to this question yet said I qualified in his final report 9. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. The evaluators logic here was sense I was late for work and I had 2 beers the day before I must be taking long to recover from it (this is assuming I missed due to alcohol)

1. Tolerance drinking more to require the same effect: this he checked as true in his final note however it was never even discussed in our evaluation. I did mention to him that I’ve been drinking more than I had earlier in the year frequency wise, but they said nothing to do with quantity or needing more.
   
2. Wanting to drink so bad you can not think of anything else: this is the only qualification of SAUD my evaluator said I did not have.
   

Moreover, without legal help I was not aware that I could obtain a second evaluation or even oppose going to get evaluated at all, but that wouldn’t have mattered seeing I still thought this was for my health and wellbeing as seen when I was asked why do you think you are here to today, to which I replayed “so that I can be evaluated to see what is needed to get back to work”.
To maks the ordeal more infuriating the evaluator continues to ingratiate himself and lie through the process telling you, “it will be fine as long as you are 100% honest”, “anything you say in here is between you and me” or “you slipped up once with your meds, I know your residnecy program they will probably just want a few more out patient tests”
Two weeks later I received a phone call right before I left for an out of state vacation to visit my nice for her birthday. During the call I was informed that I would be required to complete a partial hospitalization program (PHP) lasting “6-10 weeks” which would coast from 15-50 grand not including doctor visits or housing which is billed separately. I suppressed this inconvenience, enjoyed my vocation and reported when I returned, knowing that I must complete this soon so I may return to work with due to the fact that my payed time off would soon be diminished. At this time I had not yet heard of the organization PRN.
Chapter 3 Guilty till proven innocent: The diagnosis
Shell shocked I arrived to a in patient psychiatric unit and was rapidly cleared to progress to treatment without detoxification. During my 90 day of forced rehabilitation I met a few other individuals who were unjustly and fraudulently forced into treatment. I began to look up to one of these such members of the men’s community, who I will refer to as patient X for ambiguity sake.
Unlike me patient X did have alcohol use disorder. He spent many clinic days drinking to avoid alcoholic withdraws. The curious component of his story is that he admitted his depravity, saught help and through his own journey became sober. The bodies at be, namely his local physician, Health monitoring program, rejected his personal path to sobriety and forced him to undergo 90 days of in patient treatment before he could practice medicine again. When he checked in to rehab he had been sober for over a year.
Ask for Stories of people from online
As for me I spend many sleepless nights pondering how consuming a legal substance in a moderate amount could throw me into significant legal financial issues. My labs my toxicology, my story and my collateral from colleagues from colleagues all indicated light to moderate alcohol use but my evaluators word stood as the word of God.
More frightening was the director of this rehabs acknowledgment of this. The director who happens to also coincidentally be the evaluator, stated to me as well as to staff on multiple occasions: “ I suggest inpatient treatment for everyone who is reported”. “This is safer for me not to miss anyone who could harm patients, and I figure there must be a reason someone reported them.”
I am still elucidating the reason why I was determined guilty and proven innocent, however I can say from my 90 day stent that the majority of the patients at this rehab needed to be there. This program is saving lives of both providers and patients, however it is destroying the lives of those wrongfully accused.
Chapter 4 your lisense rehab or jail : Upon arivil I was sent to a detox hospital underwent a medical examination and was “one of the lucky ones” who required no detoxification and could report directly to PHP. Like everyone else, I spent 90 days in a PHP, being as 6-10 weeks is simply a lie they tell patients to decrease the change of resisting the treatment. When discussing the topic one therapist sated “if we told patients 90 days they would never come.” She then attempted to justify the treatment by outlining the story of a patient she had called who “didn’t make it to treatment” and killed themselves”. It is my belief that it is not the lack of PHP which impelled such professionals to take their life, but them realizing that they now will be obliged to undergo 90 days of PHP, 5 years of PRN monitoring with a loss of autonomy and hundreds of thousands of dollars taken from them that induced their hopelessness. For even if these professionals were truly mentally unstable in their addictions, in every case it was only following a phone call where they were informed they must undergo treatment that they took their life’s. By this time I still haven’t the slightest clue what PRN was.
Despite the security these programs provide for many my 6 main issues with them can be summarized in : 1. Kick backs: evaluators are directors of treatment clinics 2. The reported are guilty till proven innocent 3. The price, the overflow of money these places drag in from both patients and state universities is appalling, they charge separately for every visit and test 4. Although they make the claim that they are individualized, they are anything but. Every patient gets the same stay and treatment from the doctor drunk on the job and the one who was late to a shift 5. They force voluntary treatment. remember that friendly evaluator who promised he had your best interest at heart, so you opened up and told him everything about your substance use/ developmental / family history, well if you don’t stay for 90 days he will be “normally obliged” to tip the board of medical off to you.

1. The programs have overstepped their intended jurisdiction. -these programs work well if they function how they were intended at their inception. Cite original purpose. Originally these programs were designed to protect physicians and civilians from impaired practitioners; being healthcare workers who were impaired at work. Over the years, these organizations have extended their authority to encompass individuals with substance use disorders When not at work and also those who are in training to become healthcare professionals. Take for example myself compared to a physician who is impaired at work. A doctor who arrived for duty under the influence would surely benifit from the extensive testing, therapy and accountability enforced via these programs. In accordance the 20,000$ per year cost is appropriate when only making up roughly 7% of their yearly salary vs nearly half of a residents. In my case with my loss of income from employment, coast of treatment and monitoring, this year I will be required to pay 20,000$ to work. Yes, I will be losing money to work. Even if did indeed have a substance use disorder this level of monitoring wouldn’t not be considered appropriate.

Dispite all of the miscomings of this System My time spend in PHP was indeed helpful, as I believe it would be for anyone. Time for exercise, a reprieve from work and weekly counseling. A sample structure of my day to day schedule is provided below for insight:
Structure The general structure of these rehabitation centers is as follows: 1. One week of orientation phase, where you are not allowed in electronics or contact with the outside world world. Therefore, if you’re going, bring some things you would like to read or study. 2. In phase 2, you can use your phone however you cannot leave campus. You must stay in the dorm on campus. These shitty 1 room run down apartments with two other roommates will cost you about $1000 a week, they are required for at least four weeks and they are billed separately, no insurance will help you out here. 3. In phase 3 you can commute to campus if you beg your therapist and live very close. Whether you’re on campus or living off-campus, you are allowed to leave up to four hours per day. If you commute, you’ll be required to take a sober link decide you must Breath, alcohol test into every 6 hours. Like everything else in this program you must pay for this separately, a few hundred dollars a week. You advanced to other phases by completing assignments, however, assignments are limited by required built-in time, intrusive, scheduling, and reviewing. Therefore, if you do everything as rapidly as possible phase 1 will take one week phase 2 will take three weeks.
Every day schedule:
7:30: wake up, report to the front desk to inform them that you haven’t ran away yet and take and prescribed medications. They keep all your medications and require that you report to take them; for me this was antidepressants in an attempt to dispel the depression I contracted from being forced into treatment and whatever off label medication they were attempting to treat my ADHD with, since control medications were forbidden.
8 am: community group assessments This consisted of other patients presenting their assignments amongst the large group, on the weekends this was often an hour later and 12 study regularly took the place of assignment presentation.
10 am: process group. This was a two hour group therapy session with 6 to 12 other professionals in a therapist and training or occasionally a licensed mental health therapist.
1 pm: recreation This was generally about an hour of some sober themed craft or activity. Once a week this time slot was used for yoga.
2 pm: this was another time slot used for patients to present assignments as well as for individual therapy sessions. Each patient had one individual therapy session lasting 30 minutes per week.
3pm: This was time allotted to work on assignments or go to the gym on your sex specific scheduled gym day.
5pm: this time was used for guest speakers or another 12 step study group.
6 pm : this was generally an off-campus 12 step group
10 pm: report to the front desk and let them know you still haven’t ran away and take and Medication which are prescribed to take at night, then return to your cot bed in your room with 1-2 other roommates.
I found the community to be one of the most beneficial aspects of the PHP program. I was in a cohort of chill ass professionals of the same occupation who were always there to help each other.
Assignments The curriculum of the PHP consisted of assignment based on every step of the 12th step program. Generally, a patient would be required to complete an assignment on their own, review it with other patients, then faculty and finally present the assignment in front of the whole treatment group. You’re only given one assignment at a time and there are multiple steps to each which all requires scheduling this ensures that no matter how determined a patient is a full 90 days of treatment is required to complete all the assignments.
AA structure -the obsolete nature of AA has been verified in numbers studies, but I will refrain from divulging here and lend that endeavor to Dr. Lance Dodes very thorough discussion on the subject,in “the sober truth “
In all sincerity, if I truely did have a severe use disorder this experience could have been life saving. I only wish I could have used my 50 grand for someone who has spent their life time In addictive without reprieve. My first conversation when I was given my phone back was how I wish my father could be able to attend this PHP.
Chapter 5 reporting and PRN Self reporting What they ask you What you should tell them
There’s a third-party agency called professional resource network. Every state has their own. This agency works as a liaison between you and whatever credentialing service your occupation requires. Essentially they ensure your monitoring after treatment. Stake governments and licensing boards trust them, mainly because they monitor with the highest level of intrusiveness. This alleviates much work for state governments and licensing boards because once an individual is being monitored by a professional resource network, then they are deemed appropriate for duty and no further investigation/litigation needs to occur, as long as the monitored individual completely complies.
Because I was never impaired at work I was never reported to this agency. The general workflow of things someone would report you to professional resource network, then the resource network would contact you, and then you would be required to report for an evaluation at a treatment center, which would inevitably result in a suggestion I’ve treatment at that given treatment center. In my case I was sent to the treatment center without PRN being involved. Thus, two weeks into treatment. I was notified by my therapist that I needed to call PRN and self report. I attempted to resistance given that I did not have a problem and was not individually seeking help. I asked what happened if I didn’t self report. I was told that in order to stay in the treatment program I had to report to PRN. This meant either I report to PRN or I get kicked out of the treatment program and lose my job.
When you report to PRN they will ask you why you are in treatment. They will then list off every substance imaginable, asking you if you have ever tried the substance and when your last use was. Ultimately, they will obtain your discharge information from your treatment center, so it is in your best interest to report only what was found in your biochemical testing. If it wasn’t in your hair, I would argue that you don’t have a use disorder regarding that substance and it’s not relevant. I don’t believe it’s important for them to know that you smoked weed when you were 12.
Chapter 6 The contract:
Before being discharged from a treatment facility, a professional resource network will have you sign a contract. A little known fact which I was oblivious to is that contracts can be negotiated. Though this isn’t it possible, it is highly improbable that you can negotiate your contract since PRN has a power to delay your clearance to return to work.
Contractor almost never personalized, and I have not heard of a contract which is not a five-year agreement. You will sign releases of information so that PRN has access to all of your information which was gathered at the treatment facility. You must have a therapist, psychiatrist, primary care, doctor, and a addiction, medicine psychiatrist. You assign releases of information for all of them. You will be required To commit to: 1. three mutual aid meetings a week which you must log. I log smart recovery meetings. 2. Weekly therapy sessions with an approved mental health therapist from their list 3. Monthly doctors appointments with an addiction medicine psychiatrist 4. Yearly appointments with a primary care physician 5. Monthly appointments with a psychiatrist 6. Daily check-ins on a random drug testing app ( you will agree to weekly urine tests, a peth test 4 times a year, a hair test twice a year and a little caveat that says anything else they deem, clinically reasonable) 7. Quarterly update reports which you are required to obtain from a workplace monitor, therapist, addiction, medicine, psychiatrist, primary care physician and any other doctor you are seeing. 8. You must upload all of your prescriptions into a mobile application every single time you get them refilled and are not allowed to take them until they are approved. 9. Attendance of a PRN group via zoom. This is a local group you are assigned along with other monitored practitioners. There is a fee of roughly 130$ a month to attend this required group. For me all of these requirements coast around 20,000 a year. If you ever have a positive test even if it is the result of contamination from rubbing alcohol or unintentional ingestion of alcohol/ allergy medication your contract will rest to 5 years from the time of positive test. Once your five year contract is completed, you must ask to be released from monitoring. At that point they will search for any reason to keep you under monitoring. This could be dilute urines, daily check ins or a week where you did not attend mutual aid meetings. Every certification and license which you apply for will likely ask you if you were under a monitoring program/ have been treated for substance use. You must give an explanation and check yes. As far as licensing programs are concerned, if you were under the monitoring of PRN, you are safe, however they group practitioners who have had behavioral issues with practitioners who were diverting drugs from work. Therefore, keep in mind that you will be labeled as a sever addict.
7 Back to work and only work. During treatment your only goal is to return to work, however when you return your experience will be drastically distinct from what you remember. For me, I was now working in isolation. Missing six months of my training meant that no other Resident was on the same rotation as me. My coworkers at all formed friend groups. When I returned I was greeted with much concern for my well being. No one would speak to be about my absence, however everyone knew there is only one reason a resident would leave for 6 months then return. My Accdeemic meetings were consisting of attending telling me “I have a target on my back now” and “ I have to preform even better than others” in the light of my time missed. If this wasn’t alienating enough, the majority of Resident events, sponsored by recruiters and my university revolved around alcohol to which I had to give some excuse to why I can not partake with others. I’m fortunate that I do not have an addiction, because these stressful conditions along with the daunting amount of dead and requirements imposed by PRN are enough to make any addict relapse. While I was at treatment, I was in the dative with Samyr stories a physicians whose addictions got the best of them. Physicians who did not make it to treatment, often taking their own life. These stories were presented as a warning. Your addictions will kill you without our treatment was the message. When, in reality I did not hear one story in which the addiction killed physician. Every physician who didn’t make it to treatment took their life after being told they must report to a treatment facility. Perhaps they knew what this entailed and it was not their addiction or getting caught which caused them to end their lives, but the unmanageable and often unreasonable burden that treatment would put on their lives.
9 How to escape So your fucked your in PRN and should be or you should and now your recovered and want to terminated your contract.

1. You ask to be released early done at 1/2 time ( good luck)
2. You have “good reason” (no one has ever been let out of contract because of this reason, the verbiage is far too vague)
3. You serve all your time and they let you out(maybe, as discussed earlier, they would do everything they can to keep you in your contract as long as your practicing)
4. You can’t practice medicine anymore

10 Layer up butter cup : I cannot emphasize the extent to which legal help is required in this process. You much seek it and seek it early. Lawyers can provide many avenues to you early in the process. Once you have committed to treatment, gone for evaluation or are in a PRN contract , this is very little that you or legal help can do. Spend a few thousand dollars when you are accused and save the 20-30,000 later.
After you have been evaluated if you disagree as I did, then this is the process you must undergo. 1. Hire a occupation, defense, lawyer 2. Prove you don’t have an addiction, this is done by having an alternative evaluator with similar credentials state that either you don’t have an addiction or that PRN’s level of monitoring is not medically appropriate ( this will need to be a multi day neuropsychological evaluation, which will cost about $5000). 3. Your lawyer must draft in writing that the medical level of monitoring is not required such as another medical professional and send this to PRN 4. PRN will tattle on you to the board of medicine. 5. The board of medicine will conduct an investigation. 6. At the end or when they believe they have enough reasonable evidence to the board of medicine will suspend your license or claim, you must comply with the PRN contract to practice. 7. At this time your lawyer will defend you in the state court against the board. This is costly but much less than the coast of a 5 year PRN contract 8. If you win you will likely suggest an alternative level of care such as gonna get therapy every week. If you lose, than you wasted a fuck ton of money and are still bound by your PRN contract.
Overall this entire process has coast me Over all coast:
My finances for this year only including PRN and rent are as follows:
120-200$ every week for testing 480-800/ month
65 every week for therapy 195/month
125 every month for PRN group
About 50-69 every month for 2 doctor apts
So at least 745$/month at the lowest
Treatment at the recovery center coast 20,000 for me out of pocket and
I wasn’t payed for 6 months with no FMLA because I am a first year. At the 1 year mark I will have made 26,000 this year after taxes And payed About 29,000 on PRN alone
Rent is 1,000 so that’s 12,000 a year
Just in rent and PRN alone I will be at 26,000- 41,600 -15,600.
I will be in debt by at least 18,000 at the 1 year mark
Coast of treatment center 20,000 (with insurance) For each year of PRN roughly 20,000 Add that to 6 months of attending salary which was delayed due to my treatment time: at least 150,000 Layer coasts along with other evaluations 25,000 Missing 6 months of residency pay 30,000 Coast of 1 year in monitoring: 245,000 Coast of 5 years 325,000
If my case progress to a trail I will require an extra 20,000 in court coasts
Chapter 11 My secondary eval: Dr sushi After I arrived at my treatment center I challenge my evaluation multiple times. Each and every time I was discharged and often accused of alternate mental health/ substance abuse issues to discourage my advances. I was never given the opportunity to undergo alternative assessment, however PRN guidelines state that you can obtain a second option within 7 days of your first. This is a mute point, however, because you will not receive the results of your evaluation until over a week after it is conducted and the second evaluation must be conducted by another PRN hired evaluator of their choosing. During my stay in rehab I contacted PRN multiple times to attempt another evaluation/ legal help. They warned against both stating they were a “waste of money” and “pointless”.
After completing my treatment with the guidance of many addiction, experienced physicians, mental health counselors and psychiatrists recommendations I sought in a secondary evaluation. I chose a highly qualified professional with over 30 years of experience to conduct an extensive neuo psycho social evaluation of me. One that I was sure would be more extensive than the evaluation I received at treatment and more importantly an unbiased evaluation.
The results from my evaluation not only showed that I did not have a substance abuse problem warranting PRN level monitoring, but also that PRN was falling to allow adequate treatment of other conditions such as my ADHD. My evaluation showed my ADHD was not only untreated by PRNs attempt at using non controlled medication, but also in the top 3% most severe presentations of ADHD. My evaluator went on to explain my results by questioning why my treatment center even mandated I undergo neuro cognitive evaluation. The only neurodiverse findings were my IQ, my dyslexia and my ADHD. However, a neuo cognitive examination can be billed separately by treatment centers, therefore they always recommend one.
Chapter 12 Amongst its greed, intrusive nature and faulty accusations, professional recourse network function highly proficiently at the task they were designed to; protective physicians and patients from physicians who are impaired at work. In this domain they save lives, offer second changes and protect the public. When they act beyond their intended jurisdiction by imposing unnecessary monetary demands on practitionersin training, accuse practitioners without proof or act on behavior exemplified outside of a work setting they unjustly and inappropriately attack the week and innocent.
Proposed reform: As a trainee my universities malpractice insurance covers me for mistakes made at work. If a learner mistakenly harms a patient, then the university stands on their behalf. If the learner does something wrong under a teachers direct guidance, then the teacher is at fault. This makes sense logically as well as pragmatically. The state entrusts large amounts of money to hospital systems and universities to train resident physicians. A portion of this money is allocated to malpractice insurance. This should extend to accused impairment.
Suppose a training university was required to cover rehabilitation and monitoring of a resident of whom they claim is impaired. Alternatively they have the option of firing the trainee. This would reduce the number of innocent trainees being accused of impairment, make the process of rehabilitation more fair and provide a better use for tax payer derived dollars, which hospital systems are given to train residents. The truly impaired could still seek help, less false accusations would be made and with the employers having the ability to fire at the moment of impairment, there would be less chance of impairment at work.

ive been mindfucked since yesterday since i found out the truth about my whole family situation. my 'grandma' isnt even my real grandma. my grandpa fucked my 'grandmas' little sister (my actual real grandma) when they were married and had a child (my mum) so my real grandma has passed away now and i had a pseudo grandma for my whole life
my grandpa then went onto have 6 more kids with my 'grandma'. the thing is my grandparents raised my mum as if she was their own, so my mum is the oldest in the 'family'
i have a large extended family but i always felt like the black sheep. my cousins and aunties/uncles have been my half cousins and half aunties/uncles this whole time. apparently none of my cousins know but all the uncles and aunties know
to give some backstory, my oldest aunty hated my mum and was a nasty bitch to her since adolescence and my mum still detest her till this day. i never got along with my cousins from that aunty, even tho they had a son just 1 year younger than me. i felt like i got the same treatment my mum got from her sister. those cousins (2 girls and 2 boys) would social media stalk me and engage in malicious gossip and spread fucked up rumours about me. and at family gatherings they would make snide comments randomly at me. my mum assumes the reason for the hostility from my aunt towards her is coz she found out she comes from another mum (her aunt)
im 30 years old now and for the last 10 years i barely went to any of the social gatherings, but went to alot of them growing up as a kid and adolescent. my other cousin would also make nasty comments at me randomly when i did attend a gathering. like purposely trying to exclude me from the tribe. even tho they dont know about this secret its like deep down unconsciously they do. some of my uncles would also frequently try to belittle me whenever they saw fit. the aunty that was a bitch to my mum was kinda cold to me too, and it feels kinda 'fake' when i did interact with her
my grandpa passed away last year and my mum eventually found out the truth by confirmations from her uncles/aunties. the twisted thing is my mum had an inkling growing up coz she said my 'grandma' abused her and was very mean to her. she thought that my grandma didnt love her growing up. growing up my 'grandma' was never really that affectionate with me, but she was with my cousins. like cuddling them and doting/kissing so that added the suspicion for my mum. my mum had a cousin that was 9 years older, and she thought it was odd when my 'grandma' never took care of my mum as a baby/kid but her aunty (real grandma) would take care of my mum and be really affectionate
the fucked up thing is my mum confronted my grandpa when she was like 35 (55 years old now) about her suspicion that her aunty is her real mother and my aunts told my grandpa to put my mum in a mental institution coz they didnt want the secret out and he went through with it. so my mum was put into the psychiatric hospital for schizophrenia. they knew it would taint my grandpas image and wanted my cousins to believe in this happy little lie
so i grew up having a 'psychotic mum' but she they just gas lit the fuck out of her. my mum had multiple suicide attempts when i was growing up as a kid/teenger
my mum and her older cousin that knew had a meeting with 1 of my aunties to talk about it after confirmation that it was all true and my aunty just told them to promise not to tell any of the kids (cousins and me/my siblings) so they dont 'taint' the image of grandpa and the drama it could ensue. my mum is obviously going to break that promise and eventually tell my other siblings (im the first to know)
my mum barely ever sees them and doesn't attend any of the gatherings. everything is clicking now why i always felt like an outsider. my other siblings are the same that we dont go to the gatherings except 1 of my sisters since shes gets along with them. but my mum doesnt know if she should tell her the truth
at the funeral 1 of the cousins that was quite cold and nasty to me gave a eulogy, and you know how when u give a eulogy u 'gas' them up (like try to make them seem like such a great person) using phrases like how he was a gentle man etc (she literally said that lol) but the point is theres alot of pretentiousness in this family and i just thought that was amusing
ive met my grandma only twice in my life when i was a teenager and she came to visit and my sisters wedding but i dont remember it. when she passed away 5 years ago in vietnam my mum was the only one to attend the funeral. apparently everyone was shocked how similar my mum looked like her but everyone just said coz shes her niece
a part of me feels sad that ill never get to experience the warmth of my grandma. whats its like to be doted on as a kid. my interactions with my 'grandma' always felt kinda distant. it was actually the same with my grandpa. its like we reminded him of how he betrayed his wife. didnt help that they could barely speak english lol, i wonder how different everything would be if we could actually talk to each other since i cant speak Vietnamese and they never bothered to learn english when they migrated to australia
now looking at some of the family photos and its like a whole new lens has been added. dont know if its a fake smile coming from my 'grandma' or not and i swear i can see the rage and bitterness in her eyes
theres only like 1 cousin that i feel like i have a 'decent' bond with, and most of the others im amicable with. but for the specific family members that treated me harshly for whatever reason it showed me the truth that i was never truly part of the family. the next time i see them i wonder whats its going to feel like since i only just know the truth now. my mum said the aunties are being more distant with her since they now know that my mum also knows the truth
i feel pretty fucked in the head growing up in that family. still deal with mental health issues and poor self esteem and i attribute a lot to growing up with them. not to say there weren't ever any good or fun times but the negative just outweighs the positive by a landslide. i really wonder what life would be like if instead of my grandpa taking care of my mum she stayed back in Vietnam with my grandma and we never knew this family
just had to rant coz my mind is going haywire about all of this and how everything has played out in my life. i dunno if im just mindfucking myself but everything just makes sense now

Hi,
Hope this helps for those who want to do a clean install of Windows 11 with all working. First big thanks to the Chuwi support team and the community.

1. Started with getting the .iso image from oficial Windows page.
2. Created the USB with rufus (works also with ventoy).
3. Got the drivers from Chuwi giving my serial number.
4. Booted from USB pressing F7.
5. Normal installation procedure. At this step everting is in portrait mode, don’t panic. Now we have Windows 11 Home installed (how to get PRO at end).
6. After installation moved manually to landscape for easy use. Right Click on desktop->Display setting->Display orientation.
7. Install drivers from step 3. Right Click on the start button-> Device Manager->and under help you will find “Add drivers”. Select the entire unzipped folder and let it do its work.
8. After install drivers reboot.
9. Move back to landscape mode.
10. Install grafics driver nowest version DriverLinkForN100 specific to this processor.
11. Reboot.
12. Connect to the internet and update Windows until there are no more updates.
13. Check if automatic orientation work for me I did a toggle in Display Orientation until a saw it working normally.
14. Update to Windows 11 PRO. Go to System->About-> Scroll down->Product key and activation->You should see Upgrade your edition of Windows-> Change product key-> Add the PRO license key. (there are sites that sell license key under 5 euros that’s how i got mine).
15. Final reboot and you’re done.

Why do this? There are some like me that want a clean install done by them. Also fixed some error that I had with out of the box OS that it came.
Hope it helps and will try to answer to other comment with all I can. This is good MiniBook and love it. Next step that will try will be some debloating (this will increase the performance by a lot from what I read) and will come back with resul

The following events happened on this day in history!

• 05/16/1981 - All Star Wrestling - All Star Wrestling S1981E20
  
• 05/16/1985 - Best of - Most Unusual Matches
  
• 05/16/1987 - World Championship Wrestling - WCW World Championship Wrestling S1987E136
  
• 05/16/1987 - WCCW - WCCW S1987E136
  
• 05/16/1987 - World Championship Wrestling - World Championship Wrestling S1987E136
  
• 05/16/1988 - Prime Time Wrestling - Prime Time Wrestling S1988E19
  
• 05/16/1992 - Superstars - Superstars S1992E20
  
• 05/16/1992 - WCW Saturday Night - WCW Saturday Night S1992E7
  
• 05/16/1994 - Raw - Raw S1994E18
  
• 05/16/1995 - ECW Hardcore TV - ECW Hardcore TV S1995E20
  
• 05/16/1998 - ECW Hardcore TV - ECW Hardcore TV S1998E20
  
• 05/16/1998 - Event - ECW legends wreak havoc in Stairway to Hell Match
  
• 05/16/1999 - Heat - Heat S1999E20
  
• 05/16/1999 - No Mercy (UK) - No Mercy UK 1999 S1999E1
  
• 05/16/1999 - ECW Hardcore Heaven - ECW Hardcore Heaven 1999 S1999E1
  
• 05/16/2002 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2002E20
  
• 05/16/2002 - Tough Enough - Heart & Determination S2E12
  
• 05/16/2004 - Judgment Day - Judgment Day 2004 S2004E1
  
• 05/16/2005 - Raw - Raw S2005E20
  
• 05/16/2008 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2008E20
  
• 05/16/2011 - Raw - Raw S2011E20
  
• 05/16/2012 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2011E63
  
• 05/16/2014 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2014E20
  
• 05/16/2014 - SmackDown - SmackDown Pre-Show
  
• 05/16/2015 - This Week in WWE - This Week in WWE S2015E20
  
• 05/16/2015 - This Week in WWE - May 16, 2015 S2015E20
  
• 05/16/2016 - Raw - Raw S2016E20
  
• 05/16/2016 - Raw - Raw Pre-Show
  
• 05/16/2016 - Camp WWE - Survival Weekend S1E3
  
• 05/16/2016 - The Edge & Christian Show - Wacksquatch S1E12
  
• 05/16/2016 - Raw - Playtime is over for Becky Lynch: WWE.com Exclusiv
  
• 05/16/2016 - Raw - Big Cass gives the WWE Universe an update on Enzo
  
• 05/16/2016 - Raw - Dolph Ziggler is done being the underdog: WWE.co
  
• 05/16/2017 - 205 Live - 205 Live S2017E20
  
• 05/16/2017 - SmackDown - SmackDown S2017E20
  
• 05/16/2017 - WWE Talking Smack - WWE Talking Smack S2017E21
  
• 05/16/2017 - Raw - Titus ONeil isnt in the mood for selfies with Ap
  
• 05/16/2017 - Raw - Fantastic slow-motion video of Roman Reigns vs. Fi
  
• 05/16/2017 - SmackDown - Is Carmella next in line for a SmackDown Womens T
  
• 05/16/2017 - SmackDown - Kickoff Match revealed for Backlash: WWE.com Exclu
  
• 05/16/2017 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 Raw Moments: May 15, 2017 S2017E76
  
• 05/16/2017 - SmackDown - Aiden English confronts Tye Dillinger ahead of Bac
  
• 05/16/2017 - SmackDown - Watch AJ Styles and Jinder Mahals SmackDown showd
  
• 05/16/2018 - Something Else to Wrestle With Bruce Prichard - Rowdy Roddy Piper S1E5
  
• 05/16/2018 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2018E22
  
• 05/16/2018 - WWE NXT - Kona Reeves is done making friends: WWE.com Exclus
  
• 05/16/2018 - WWE NXT - Oney Lorcan & Danny Burch are coming for the NXT T
  
• 05/16/2018 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 SmackDown LIVE Moments: May 15, 2018 S2018E78
  
• 05/16/2019 - WWE Main Event - WWE Main Event S2019E20
  
• 05/16/2019 - WWE Now - Alexa Bliss Money in the Bank Replacement Named S2019E99
  
• 05/16/2019 - WWE Now - WWE Nominated for 2019 MTV Movie & TV Awards S2019E100
  
• 05/16/2020 - WWE Pop Question - Superstars Reveal Their Hidden Talents 2020
  
• 05/16/2020 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 SmackDown Moments: May 15, 2020 S2020E135
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWE Icons - Rob Van Dam S1E3
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWE s The Ultimate Show - Ultimate WrestleMania Backlash S1E5
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWE Icons Revisited - Rob Van Dam S1E3
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWE Now - WrestleMania Backlash 2021 Preview S2021E68
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWE Top 10 - Anoa i Family Returns 2021
  
• 05/16/2021 - WWEs The Bump - May 16, 2021 S2021E25
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - WrestleMania Backlash S2021E1
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - WrestleMania Backlash Kickoff
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - Exclusive: Flair not dwelling on defeat
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - Rhea Ripley proved herself in victory
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - Exclusive: Belair happy to silence a hater
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - Exclusive: MVP has a surprise for Bobby Lashley
  
• 05/16/2021 - Backlash - Exclusive: Paul Heyman never doubts Roman Reigns
  
• 05/16/2021 - La Previa - La Previa: WrestleMania Backlash S2E6
  
• 05/16/2022 - WWE Playlist - Bobby Lashley vs. Giants 2022
  
• 05/16/2022 - WWE Now - Lashley and Omos clash in Steel Cage: May 16, 2022 2022
  
• 05/16/2022 - Raw Talk - May 16, 2022 S2022E20
  
• 05/16/2022 - Raw - Raw S2022E20
  
• 05/16/2023 - WWE Top 10 - Top 10 Raw Moments: May 15, 2023 2023
  
• 05/16/2023 - WWE NXT - WWE NXT S2023E22
  

What event was your favorite in this list?

Remember SM...remember when they did the coolest thing by giving a bunch of older characters new designs. Like we got Red and Blue, Colress and Grimsley, HECK even Annabel! A character who was only in the BF in emerald, (a game Game Freak wants you to forget about...).
So why not do this again?

Here is my top 5 characters I want to cameo in the gen 10 games

5. Drasna

Very underrated E4 Member...
I want to know if Zinnia is her kid or not, if not kid, like maybe...niece?
It would cool if she and her family were a sect of draconids that specialize in the sinnoh legendary dragon pokemon, and she was interested in the legendary dragon pokemon of Gen 10...since we know every generation has to have a legendary dragon pokemon.

4. Nemona

Love or hate her, Nemona is one of the most popular characters of Gen 9. I would argue before Kieran and Carmine, it was her by a long mile. Still might be.
I would love to see her again, because she might have finally taken Geeta's place as La Primera, and it would be really funny if she is just a superboss like Cynthia. Go into a house, and then BOOM...Nemona!
"Hi I'm Nemona! I'm La Primera of Paldea. Things have been stressful...but fun! Battling all of the new trainers in the paldea league-wait you look like a trainer...a strong one. ME. YOU. BATTLE. YES?!"
Show slight growth as she talks about how becoming La Primera opened her eyes to the responsibilities that Geeta had, and how she wishes to do her do best to honor her example.
Just please...KEEP her the same, ON sight persona. PLEASE.

3. Drayton

I feel out of the entire blueberry league, including Lacey, Drayton has to be coming back again...like I feel they set him far too well to replace Drayden as gym leader.
Like Drayden's other grandchild, he is a prodigy but unlike Iris he is a SLACKER.
Which feel like could be translate well if bro is just on vacation to the another region and they could further his character saying he finally graduted blueberry but still doesn't want to come home.
Could be a fun six sages type quest/glitterai where you follow him around and get more of his story.
I'm going to assume it's because Drayden is getting up there in age, and he feels he won't be able to set an example as the heir. And perhaps this story has a dark ending with Drayton being called by someone (assuming it's Iris) that Drayden has passed.
Bro then leaves but thanks the player for following him around by giving him Draco Meteor, which would be really cool since Iris and Drayden did that in BW1, so it kinda leaves something to the imagination....hm.

2. Hau

Now, I feel if any character that needs a chance in the spotlight again...I think it should be Hau.
Like he forever plagued by being "the smiley rival" because SM didn't have that many facial expressions for anyone that wasn't the aether family (minus Mohn). Like Drayton, he is a prodigy, but unlike Drayton...he is a bit more upfront with his insecurities.
In SM, there are moments in the story when Hau gets visibly upset he isn't strong: like when Lily gets kidnapped, or when Gladion accused of holding back, or when he still can't beat the player in their final battle.
USUM gave his character more focus, giving a lot more urge to battle and win, while still keeping his level headed persona. He even got to be the champion fight for the game, that is arguably the hardest in the franchise. Good on him.
When he returns...he should be the kahuna of Melemele Island*. There is no excuse why he couldn't be. They SHOULD make my bro a BADASS gigachad like that guy from* Moana.
Like make everyone think Hau is the coolest dude ever.

1. Bianca and Cheren

Now, I know picking two for one is kinda unfair...BUT COME ON.
These two were the first rivals that actually felt like characters instead of just being tropes.
Blue was literally just cocky anime rival, Silver was the edgy criminal rival, May and Brendan were the rivals that have a crush on the protag,
Wally and Barry were close but the story of the games don't really have time to dwell on them... unlike Cheren and Bianca.
Like they these two were a perfect example of pokemon fans at the time of BW1's release date, ambitious yet kinda clueless about what to do with their ambition.
So what if, after nearly 12-13 years, we finally see them in the games and learn what they have been up to.
Like I want to see if Bianca has become professor and if Cheren finally has a beard to cover up that baby face he has lmao.
IF RED AND BLUE CAN COME BACK...why can't them?

1. Terza Rima: A poetic form consisting of tercets (three-line stanzas) with interwoven rhymes, often used by Dante in "The Divine Comedy."
   
2. Clerihew: A humorous and whimsical poem of four lines, with irregular meter and rhymes, focusing on a person, often the poet.
   
3. Triolet: An eight-line poem with a specific rhyme scheme (ABaAabAB), featuring repeated lines.
   
4. Ballad: A narrative poem often set to music, telling a story with a strong rhythm and rhyme.
   
5. Renga: A collaborative form of Japanese linked-verse poetry, typically composed by multiple poets in alternating stanzas.
   
6. Senryu: Similar to haiku, but focuses on human nature and emotions rather than nature itself.
   
7. Paradelle: A complex and rare form of poetry that repeats lines with variations, creating a challenging structure.
   
8. Golden Shovel: A form where each word in a line of an existing poem is used as the end word in a line of the new poem.
   
9. Haibun: A combination of prose and haiku, often describing a journey or a nature experience.
   
10. Villancico: A medieval Spanish poetic form often used in songs and carols, characterized by repetition and refrains.
    
11. Palindrome Poetry: A poem that reads the same backward as forward, creating a mirrored effect.
    
12. Blackout Poetry: Creating poetry by selectively redacting or highlighting words from an existing text, often creating a visual element.
    
13. Tetractys: A five-line poem with a syllable count of 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, creating a pyramid shape.
    
14. Rubaiyat: A Persian form of poetry with quatrains, typically written in iambic pentameter with the rhyme scheme AABA.
    
15. Fibonacci Poem: A poem following the Fibonacci sequence for syllable counts in each line (0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, etc.).
    
16. Calligram: A visual poem in which the words or letters are arranged in a shape that reflects the poem's subject.
    
17. Shape Poetry: Poems that take on a visual shape related to their subject, enhancing the overall meaning.
    
18. Tanka Prose: A prose poem followed by a tanka, combining the concise nature of prose with the emotional depth of tanka.
    
19. Found Poetry: Creating poetry from existing texts or found materials, rearranging and recontextualizing words.
    
20. Blitz Poem: A form of poetry with a rapid, stream-of-consciousness style, using repetition and wordplay.
    
21. Sevenling: A seven-line poem with specific guidelines, including three lines with three elements, and a concluding statement in one line.
    
22. Pantun: A Malay poetic form with quatrains, featuring an interlocking rhyme scheme between stanzas.
    
23. Cento: A collage-like poem composed entirely of lines from other poems.
    
24. Cinquain Chain: Connecting multiple cinquains to create a longer poem or narrative.
    
25. Rhyme Royal: A seven-line stanza with a specific rhyme scheme (ABABBCC), used by Geoffrey Chaucer.
    
26. Haiga: A combination of haiku and visual art, where an image complements the haiku.
    
27. Minute Poem: A strict 60-syllable poem with a 8-4-4-4 structure and specific rhyme scheme (aabb).
    
28. Nonet: A nine-line poem with a descending syllable count in each line, often 9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1.
    
29. Tanka Tumble: A series of linked tanka poems, creating a flowing narrative.
    
30. Dramatic Monologue: A poem in which a character speaks directly to an audience, revealing their thoughts and emotions.
    

Hey yall, I never been one to post anything on Reddit. This is my first time on this sub too so I don't know how yall talk to each other on here so ill try to keep this short.
My ex and I have been broken up for about 10 months now and the last time I spoke to her was through text 5 months ago. I basically told her how I felt about her still, how much I missed her and how I wish I could have done more in the relationship. I ended it with how I would love to still be with her and hoping she would give me a second chance. I should also state that I said that if she felt I was being too clingy or pushy to ignore and to not even respond to the message, regardless if she responded or not I would respect her decision. She never responded. Its been 5 months and it appears her response, is no response.
We broke up on good terms, it was life circumstances that caused us to break up. I did notice that before the break up she became distant and even told me that she need time to her self. I knew that the relationship would come to an end. After a few days she told me that she just can't give me what I need, that she loved me and that she hopes we can still cherish this friendship that we had together. Over the course of a few months she checked up on me and as did I. We also broke up a month before her birthday and I still sent her the gifts that I wanted to give her prior to our break up. She said she loved them. A few days into the new year I texted her I hope she's doing well and she said the same to me and that I deserve nothing but the best in life. A few days after this, I sent her the message on how I felt about her and what we once had.
Its almost my birthday, in just a few days really. And as I was getting my journal to write down some thoughts I had, I saw the card she had given me last year. I forgot I had left it near my writing area. I opened it and began crying as I read what she had wrote. It reminded me of what we once had, of how happy I truly was back then. To be loved by someone in this world and to be accepted by someone.
I know it's been almost a year, but everyday since the break up I think about her. For the first few months it was hard but I kept trying and trying to move on and heal. It was easy on some days but most days were difficult. I don't even know how I was able to go on and not contact her after I told her how I felt but I somehow kept going, I kept living. I feel suicidal, there are days were I want to end my life, but I don't because I don't want to hurt my family. I don't do it because I know I'm stronger than my mind. I don't do it because I know there's so much more to life.
Im going to be 25, and she was my first ever girlfriend; I know sad. She was my first kiss and prior to this I only ever been in talking stages and I've done an incredible transformation for myself prior to meeting her. I was 225 lbs and I slimmed down to 170 in about a year. I became more social and confident and then one day I met her at work. We actually sat close to each other at our training then 2 months into our work we were assigned to sit next to each other. Slowly but surely we became talking to eachother and eventually we were attracted to each other and we began dating. We only dated for 6 months. But in those 6 months I never felt so happy. I never felt so loved and cared for. I never felt accepted before until I met her.
I know this wasn't short by any means and my thoughts are all jumbled and unorganized but I just had to get this of my chest. I just need a reminder that I'll be okay. That I'll get over this heart break and that I'll be just fine being alone. I know happiness comes from within and that the only person to will be with me is me, and that being kind to myself is the most important thing to being mentally healthy. So to me, writing this and hoping someone relates or someone can wish me luck is a way of healing.
Sorry for making a long and unorganized post yall, I just had to clear my mind. Thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day, take care.

Everything in my inventory is up for trade. The most valuable items are listed here, the rest you can find in My Inventory

Feel free to Add Me or even better send a Trade Offer. Open for any suggestions: upgrades, downgrades / knives, gloves, skins / stickers, patterns, floats.

All Buyouts are listed in cash value.

KNIVES

★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Factory New), B/O: $7194.77

★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2025.74

⎯

★ M9 Bayonet Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $557.87

★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $529.41

★ M9 Bayonet Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $465.39

⎯

★ Talon Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $1295.27

★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Minimal Wear), B/O: $746.28

★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested), B/O: $688.15

⎯

★ Flip Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $547.93

★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $476.69

★ Flip Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $278.18

★ Flip Knife Black Laminate (Well-Worn), B/O: $258.83

★ Flip Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $181.64

⎯

★ Stiletto Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $686.04

★ Stiletto Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $665.41

★ Stiletto Knife, B/O: $601.39

★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $418.25

★ Stiletto Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $227.80

★ Stiletto Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.96

★ Stiletto Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $192.79

⎯

★ Nomad Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $518.11

★ Nomad Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $169.78

★ Nomad Knife Forest DDPAT (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $166.88

★ StatTrak™ Nomad Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $335.79

⎯

★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Well-Worn), B/O: $442.05

★ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Minimal Wear), B/O: $426.24

★ Skeleton Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested), B/O: $314.03

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2361.28

★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested), B/O: $376.53

⎯

★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $557.12

★ Ursus Knife, B/O: $471.42

★ Ursus Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $212.37

★ Ursus Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $187.66

★ Ursus Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $178.18

★ Ursus Knife Ultraviolet (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $155.13

★ Ursus Knife Boreal Forest (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.26

⎯

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Minimal Wear), B/O: $204.83

★ Huntsman Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested), B/O: $184.50

★ StatTrak™ Huntsman Knife Lore (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $224.11

⎯

★ Bowie Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $2142.02

★ Bowie Knife, B/O: $230.44

★ Bowie Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $209.20

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.51

★ Bowie Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Falchion Knife Night (Field-Tested), B/O: $132.54

★ Falchion Knife Urban Masked (Well-Worn), B/O: $112.81

★ Falchion Knife Scorched (Field-Tested), B/O: $108.81

★ Falchion Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.82

★ Falchion Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested), B/O: $107.46

★ StatTrak™ Falchion Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested), B/O: $143.08

⎯

★ Paracord Knife Crimson Web (Minimal Wear), B/O: $486.48

★ Paracord Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $163.12

⎯

★ Survival Knife Blue Steel (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $138.26

★ Survival Knife Night Stripe (Field-Tested), B/O: $131.03

⎯

★ Gut Knife Sapphire (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1127.79

★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $286.17

★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $246.55

★ Gut Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $240.77

★ Gut Knife, B/O: $210.49

★ Gut Knife Lore (Field-Tested), B/O: $194.22

★ Gut Knife Case Hardened (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $151.51

★ Gut Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.94

★ Gut Knife Rust Coat (Well-Worn), B/O: $118.99

★ Gut Knife Boreal Forest (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.80

★ StatTrak™ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $237.96

⎯

★ Shadow Daggers Gamma Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $264.92

★ Shadow Daggers Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $253.03

★ Shadow Daggers Tiger Tooth (Factory New), B/O: $237.22

★ Shadow Daggers Crimson Web (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.40

★ Shadow Daggers Autotronic (Minimal Wear), B/O: $144.42

★ Shadow Daggers Blue Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $105.20

★ StatTrak™ Shadow Daggers Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $150.46

⎯

★ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $365.99

★ Navaja Knife Doppler (Factory New), B/O: $228.93

★ Navaja Knife Marble Fade (Factory New), B/O: $227.43

★ Navaja Knife Slaughter (Factory New), B/O: $209.06

★ Navaja Knife, B/O: $203.16

★ Navaja Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $132.57

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Factory New), B/O: $121.69

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Minimal Wear), B/O: $109.95

★ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $100.41

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Fade (Factory New), B/O: $369.01

★ StatTrak™ Navaja Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested), B/O: $109.95

GLOVES

★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Minimal Wear), B/O: $2394.67

★ Sport Gloves Omega (Well-Worn), B/O: $572.33

★ Sport Gloves Bronze Morph (Minimal Wear), B/O: $338.88

★ Sport Gloves Big Game (Field-Tested), B/O: $323.66

⎯

★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Minimal Wear), B/O: $1652.07

★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested), B/O: $599.14

★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Well-Worn), B/O: $231.57

★ Specialist Gloves Buckshot (Minimal Wear), B/O: $126.21

⎯

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $996.99

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Field-Tested), B/O: $383.31

★ Moto Gloves POW! (Well-Worn), B/O: $276.00

★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Field-Tested), B/O: $180.28

⎯

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Minimal Wear), B/O: $502.29

★ Hand Wraps Giraffe (Minimal Wear), B/O: $180.73

★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $178.32

⎯

★ Driver Gloves Queen Jaguar (Minimal Wear), B/O: $181.01

★ Driver Gloves Rezan the Red (Field-Tested), B/O: $101.66

⎯

★ Broken Fang Gloves Jade (Field-Tested), B/O: $127.88

★ Broken Fang Gloves Needle Point (Minimal Wear), B/O: $124.55

⎯

★ Bloodhound Gloves Guerrilla (Minimal Wear), B/O: $127.94

★ Hydra Gloves Case Hardened (Field-Tested), B/O: $102.55

WEAPONS

AK-47 X-Ray (Well-Worn), B/O: $478.95

AUG Hot Rod (Factory New), B/O: $425.83

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Hyper Beast (Factory New), B/O: $413.95

M4A4 Daybreak (Factory New), B/O: $309.51

StatTrak™ AK-47 Aquamarine Revenge (Factory New), B/O: $305.43

AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn), B/O: $196.38

StatTrak™ M4A4 Temukau (Minimal Wear), B/O: $174.64

P90 Run and Hide (Field-Tested), B/O: $167.03

AWP Asiimov (Field-Tested), B/O: $153.33

Souvenir SSG 08 Death Strike (Minimal Wear), B/O: $140.00

M4A1-S Printstream (Battle-Scarred), B/O: $124.70

StatTrak™ M4A1-S Golden Coil (Field-Tested), B/O: $117.48

AWP Asiimov (Well-Worn), B/O: $115.97

StatTrak™ Desert Eagle Printstream (Minimal Wear), B/O: $112.96

StatTrak™ AK-47 Asiimov (Minimal Wear), B/O: $110.85

Souvenir M4A1-S Master Piece (Well-Worn), B/O: $102.42

AK-47 Bloodsport (Minimal Wear), B/O: $100.53

Trade Offer Link - Steam Profile Link - My Inventory

Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches

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For the past few months, I've wanted to change my job, because I couldn't “grow” in my current one. It hasn't been easy; many companies either didn't respond at all or I received automated replies. Sometimes I had interviews, but then all contact stopped, or they ultimately chose another candidate. It wore me down, making me feel like there was something wrong with me, even though I'm only 21. The only person who lifted me up and genuinely helped me was my husband. He helped me improve my CV, talked about things that could benefit me, did mock interviews with me, and cheered me on after every CV I sent out. It was mainly thanks to him that I didn't give up and changed my mindset about it not being my fault.
I found a company that was very interested in hiring me. I went through their entire recruitment process, and yesterday they called me to say they want to start working with me. Moreover, it's the offer I liked the most, related to my field of study, and I'll be the only person in my year already working in the profession. I was literally jumping for joy like a little child, extremely proud of myself, just like my husband, who didn't take any credit for himself. Even though I thanked him probably a million times, every time I heard that it was solely thanks to me and that I should thank myself.
The joy lasted until I called my mom. Initially, she said she was happy for me and congratulated me, but then the conversation quickly took a turn. She started asking me if I planned to pursue a master's degree after my bachelor's (she brings this up regularly every few months; her attitude towards my education and career was the beginning of all our problems and my current life difficulties). She wants me to have that title so she could boast about it among her friends and convince herself how wonderfully she raised me, that I achieve such successes. Here we come to the worst part for me. Even though she didn't have even 1% of a share in my job change, she said she was proud of herself. OF HERSELF. Surprised, I asked "why?" and in response, I heard (more or less, I don't remember exactly because of nerves) that she's proud of herself because she raised me and now I'm succeeding in life, so her methods weren't that bad. She labeled the harm she caused me with constant arguments and bans when I got a grade other than what she thought I should, as mistakes, and again attributed credit to herself.
I'm just sad. For the past 2 years, I've worked hard to start living my own life. I moved, changed jobs twice, changed my studies, started a second therapy, I'm finally happy, and yet it's not acknowledged, and there's always something that could have been done bettedifferently. I know that for her, any method other than her own is not good enough, but does it really require so much just to sincerely congratulate someone, someone who you say you love and are proud of?

Hello!
I am currently in a hypomanic episode and I'm struggling, so I'm looking for some advice/insights or anything really.
My hypomanic episodes don't express themselves the same every time. In my current episode, I have loads of energy but cannot direct it to my studies (which I sometimes can and briefly become an academic god) instead the energy goes to unnecessary stuff.
I have NO (NONE!) concentration at all, I cannot study (or any other activity) for more than 10 minutes without losing my focus completely.
I forget things constantly, for example just by going from the bedroom to my kitchen (5 meters).
I also forget words, I can be mid-sentence in a conversation and lose what I was saying, struggling for 15 seconds to remember and then finally doing so. It feels like a physical block, it has happened before but not this frequently and not so obviously.
I generally have a lot of energy, a lack of concentration and a bad memory but this time around it is really bad. So I'm just lost right now. I have some exams and important deadlines which I fear I might fail due to this episode. I don't know what I am doing and I can't do what I should be doing.
Does anyone have some tips for how they can concentrate or bring them down to normal again?

Context: Started at a 3PL warehouse 9 months ago as a Team leader was demoted & palmed off to a different department. My work ethic with previous employer was spotless but am now unmotivated and couldn’t care less.
I feel like I have an innate ability to know if someone is genuine or not bc I literally sensed red flags the first day I met my supervisor (who turned out to be a toothless, narcissistic and corrupted SOB, proving my first impression to be 100% correct)
I tried really hard to carry out my role but he constantly sabotaged my efforts by intentionally not training me or restricting me to tasks that weren’t mine to carry out. (Manager even admitted she knew he wasn’t training me)
I still had a good rapport with the team despite this but I felt guilty bc I really couldn’t support them with the minimal knowledge I had. Everything I knew by the 6 month mark, I had figured out for myself. I knew I hated how he played favouritism with admins & talked down to his hard working team but I couldn’t put my finger on why I despised him.
I was literally silent and only spoke when spoken to but was never insubordinate. I wouldn’t even laugh at his jokes. Got to the point where I was outwardly expressing that he was annoying by rolling my eyes or smacking my lips but it literally took everything in me not to because I could see straight through him & hated that he has gotten by however long he’s lived by projecting his insecurities on to everyone else.
Eventually got demoted & thrown into a diff department & now I can’t for the life of me muster up enough of facade to pretend I care. I hate that my employers values are not aligned with mine but I’m stuck in the mindset that it’s hard to find another job.
My employer has imposed a (somewhat fair) rule that there is to be no line of employees waiting by the clock out machine & that if we’re there earlier than 2:30pm we must clock out. The line of people are repeat offenders and yes I’m always in that line bc they are too lol & I hate that the wannabe “old timers or OG’s” literally clock out despite not being in the queue with the rest of us. Employer also pulled me in to HR and really tried to pressure me about taking carers leave even tho I had sufficient evidence and documentation. Since then, zero fks given.
I clock out a whole 10 mins early, bludge every time I see someone else bludge, take extended breaks and am unapologetic about making mistakes. I walk past the big bosses and HR office & I still don’t care. I think part of me wants to get let go or pulled up so I can tell em what’s up.. at least I’d have time to job hunt.
I don’t know what the point of this post is.

Model and Specs:

• SONY VAIO VGN-SZ3HP
• Age: 2006 -13.30" 16:10, 1280x800
• Intel Core 2 Duo T5600 - 2x1.8 GHz
• NVIDIA GeForce Go 7400 - 128 MB VRAM
• 4GB DDR2 RAM - 667 MHz
• Custom installed 240GB SSD

I tried to install Windows 10 because it meets the minimum requirements, but it does not have functioning Nvidia drivers. I’m stuck with a 4:3 Aspect Ratio Apparently, Sony didn’t participate in Nvidia’s driver program back then, so any other potato from that era works fine, except mine.
Best case scenario: Is there an easy-to-install, lightweight distribution that supports proprietary Nvidia drivers for my specific GPU?

Hi guys, was listening to unit chatter in homeworld 3 and something in it didn't click with me. I wanted to figure out if I was wearing rose tinted glasses so I tried to find original homeworld unit chatter to compare.
In my memory I remember the voice acting being so subtle and stellar. I remember that damaged fighter pilots would nervously check if I knew what I was doing while at the same time somehow conveying a sense of unwavering loyalty to me. Telling me in their tone of voice that they would 100% die for me but at the same time didn't wish to be thrown away.
I remember crews speaking with military professionalism but yet unable to keep the panic completely out of their voice.
But yet, I can't remember a single actual line of dialogue. So who is to say I am remembering what the voice lines actually were versus what I felt they were when I played the game for the first time at 15.
Can anybody confirm or deny? I have listened to a little bit of chatter from Homeworld 3 and all I hear is the military professionalism without the heart.

Hi everyone!
I've practiced Ashtanga 5 days/week for about 1 1/2 years, 10 years ago - I was getting very serious about it until my knee caps gave in (I was 100% sedentary before starting my practice, so I didn't have the muscles to hold them in place).. after that I had 6+ months of daily physical therapy and then aqua gym/gym, and I've been keeping active ever since, occasionally practicing at home what i remembered from the first series.
3 months ago I decided to go back since I really couldn't find any other practice as fulfilling as this, the problem is that the closest shala I have is 3h away, and I can't even afford the online sessions.. I've been practicing at home and when I travel to the city I go to the shala to practice and get the corrections (about 1x/month). But I do feel like I'd benefit hugely from being at the shala..
Does anyone have advice on how to manage practicing at home?
Thank you 🌻🌻

ADC strength has hit an all time high, playing around bot is almost mandatory
And for Shyv a few change benefits her but most doesn't(doesn't hurt her either)
None of the new item fits her and the removal of Legend: Tenacity feels bad but Legend: Haste feels good, AD Shyv is pretty much unplayable now since tankiness went down across the game due to ADC being broken
AP Shyv feels good with PTA and Legend: Haste other than that I only change 1 thing on my build which is Magical Footwear to Cashback, Magical Footwear is more of a rune that help you reach your first item powerspike faster but after that it does nothing, Cash back help you accelerates your item completion beyond your first item which is where Shyv truely shines, one thing you may want to pay attention to is that Cash back actually gives you gold like Bounty Hunter rune and it seems to count toward team gold deficit and trigger objective bounty when you aren't really that far ahead
And the Exp change make me hit lv6 about 1 camp faster which is great
Jack Of All Trade is a trap that you don't want to fall into, getting 10 or even 5 stack is harder than you think due to jglers not able to purchase Doran's Blade(which gives 3 stats line), if you are too tunneled into stacking this rune and purchase item that is undesirable it will end up hurting you more than this rune would benefit you

Hodadenon: The Last One Left and the Chestnut Tree
Long ago a boy and his uncle lived together in an elm bark lodge.
The boy’s name was Hodadenon, which means “The Last One Left.”
All of the rest of his family had disappeared over the years and it was thought they had been killed by those who were ‘otgont’, possessed of wicked powers.
Each morning the uncle would feed Hodadenon and then go out of the lodge to hunt, leaving the boy by himself. Each evening he would return, again feed the boy, and then go to sleep.
One day Hodadenon was playing by himself in the lodge.
He began to think. “Enh,” he said, “why is it that I never see my uncle eat?”
Then he took a bone awl and made a small hole in the deerskin he used as a blanket each night.
“Tonight,” said Hodadenon, “I shall see what happens after we go to bed.”
That evening as always the uncle returned. He fed the boy and told him to go to sleep. Hodadenon lay down on one side of the fire and on the other side the uncle lay down on his couch, which was made of saplings and covered with many animal skins.
Pulling the deerskin over his head, Hodadenon pretended to sleep, but he could still see his uncle through the small hole he had made.
After a time, the uncle stood up and went over to the fire.
“Hodadenon,” said the uncle in a soft voice, but the boy did not answer.
Three times more the uncle called his name, but Hodadenon still pretended to sleep. Coming closer to the fire, the uncle blew very hard into it.
Sparks flew out, landing on the boy’s legs.
“Hodadenon,” said the uncle, “be careful. You are going to be burned.”
But even though some of the sparks fell on his bare skin and burned him Hodadenon did not move.
“Nyoh,” said the uncle, “the boy is indeed asleep.”
He went over to his couch and removed the skins.
He lifted off the top of the couch and took out a box made of birch bark.
All of this Hodadenon watched through the hole in his blanket.
Opening the box made of birch bark, the uncle took out a small pot.
It was so small that it fit easily in the palm of his hand.
From inside the pot he took out another object which the boy could not clearly see though it looked to be smaller than an acorn.
Using a little knife, the uncle scraped tiny shavings from the thing into the pot.
Then, putting the tiny pot over the fire, he blew on it and sang this song:
Grow, pot, grow in size
Grow, pot, grow in size
And as Hodadenon watched, the pot grew in size as the uncle sang his song and blew on it. Finally the pot was as large as a normal cooking pot and the odour of something delicious came from it.
Before long the food was ready and the uncle ate it all.
When he was through, he blew once more on the pot and sang this song:
Shrink, pot, shrink in size
Shrink, pot, shrink in size
And once again the pot became small enough to hold in the palm of his hand.
Replacing the thing he had scraped in the tiny pot, Hodadenon’s uncle replaced the pot in the birch bark box and again hid everything in the secret compartment under his couch. Then he went to sleep.
The next morning, as always, the uncle went out hunting and left the boy alone in the lodge. For a time Hodadenon played around the lodge.
He shot his small bow and arrow at a target and did other things, but the song his uncle sang to the pot kept going through his head.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
“My uncle will be back soon from his hunting,” he said. “He will be very hungry. I should prepare a meal for him.”
Hodadenon went over to his uncle’s couch, pulled off the skins and opened the compartment.
Taking out the box of birch bark, he opened it and found the tiny pot.
Within it was half of a small dry nut.
“So this is my uncle’s food,” said Hodadenon, “but it is almost gone.
If I want to make enough for him to eat, I must use it all.
I am sure he can get more.” So Hodadenon took a knife and scraped all that was left of the nut into the tiny pot.
Then, placing the pot over the fire, he blew on it and sang:
Grow, pot, grow in size
Grow, pot, grow in size
Sure enough, just as it had done for his uncle, the pot became larger.
Now it was the size of a normal cooking pot and it was boiling and boiling.
But Hodadenon was not satisfied, “surely my uncle will be more hungry than this when he comes home.
I must make more.”
Then he blew on the pot and again sang:
Grow, pot, grow in size
Grow, pot, grow in size
Now the pot was so large and bubbling so fast that Hodadenon had to stretch to stir the contents, which smelled very good indeed.
“Neh,” said Hodadenon, “this isn’t enough. What if my uncle wishes to share this good food with me.
After all, he will be grateful that I prepared it.
I must make more.”
So, once more, he blew on the kettle and sang the song.
Again the pot grew and now it was so large that Hodadenon had to stand on top of his uncle’s couch and use a canoe paddle to stir the contents, but he was so excited that he did not want to stop.
“This is almost enough for us,” he said, “but what if we should have visitors?
We should have enough to offer them as well.”
So, for a fourth time, Hodadenon blew on the pot and sang the magic song.
The pot grew so big that Hodadenon had to get out of the lodge because it filled the whole place from side to side! It was so big that the only way the boy could stir it was by taking a long pole up to the roof and reaching down to stir it through the smoke hole!
When Hodadenon’s uncle came back from hunting, the first thing he saw was the pudding bubbling out of the door of the lodge.
He heard someone singing above him and looked up.
There was Hodadenon, swinging his legs in the smoke hole, still stirring the pudding and singing happily:
What a good cook I am
What a good cook I am
We all will eat well now
What a good cook I am
“Nephew,” called the old man, “come down from there.
What you have done has killed me.”
Then Hodadenon’s uncle blew on the pot through the door of the lodge and sang the song to make it grow small.
When it was down to the size it had been at the beginning, he entered the lodge, lay down on his couch and began to weep.
Hodadenon, who had come down from the smoke hole, walked over to where the old man lay.
“Uncle,” said Hodadenon, “what is wrong?”
“Hodadenon,” said the uncle, “you have used up all of the only food I can eat.
Now I will starve to death.
This is why I never allowed you to see me eat.
I knew that you would do this.”
“Uncle,” said the boy, “things can’t be that bad.
Just go and get another of those little nuts.”
“Neh,” said the uncle, “that is the kind of food called a chestnut.
Long ago, though it was very dangerous, I obtained that one.
All these years I have eaten it and it would have lasted for many more.
Now I am too old to get another one.”
“Wah-ah,” said Hodadenon, “this is my doing.
I shall go and bring back many chestnuts.”
“It is not possible,” said the old man.
“The way is long and guarded by many terrible creatures.
Others of your family have gone there but none have ever returned.”
Yet Hodadenon would not give up. Finally the uncle agreed to tell him the way.
“Go straight to the north, the uncle said. “There you will find a narrow path.
At its first turn it is guarded by two great rattle snakes, slaves to the evil ones who own the chestnut trees.
No one can get past them.”
“But what if I do, Uncle?” asked Hodadenon.
If anyone by good luck passes the great snakes, he will next encounter two huge hears.
They guard a passageway between the rocks.
They too are slaves of the evil ones.
They will tear apart anyone who tries to pass.
“Further on down the path are two giant Panthers which leap upon anyone who attempts to get by them. Hodadeno, it cannot be done.”
“Is that all, Uncle?” Hodadenon said.
“Is it not enough?” said the old man.
“Neh, that is only the beginning. Next is the place where the chestnut trees grow.
There live the seven sisters who own the trees.
All of them are strong in ‘otgont’ power.
If anyone comes to steal the chestnuts, they run from their long lodge and beat the person to death with their clubs.
No one can hope to go undetected, for a flayed human skin hangs in the top of a tree looking down on the chestnut grove and it sings a warning when anyone comes close.”
“Nyah-weh, Uncle,” said Hodadenon, “I thank you for your good advice.
Now I must he on my way. I shall return with the food you need if all goes well.”
Taking two sticks, he tied them together and placed them standing near the fire.
“Watch these sticks, Uncle,” said the boy. “If all is well with me they will not move, but if I am killed they will break apart.”
Now Hodadenon set out on his way.
He went straight to the north and found a narrow path.
“This must be the road my uncle told me of,” said Hodadenon. “It looks easy enough to travel.”
The boy continued along and soon the path began to twist and wind.
Ahead, it turned sharply to the left. Hodadenon stopped, crept off the path, went through the trees, and peered out cautiously.
There on either side of the path, were two great rattlesnakes, coiled and ready to strike.
“Uncle,” said Hodadenon, “you know this road well.” He went and caught two chipmunks. Holding one in each hand he again began to walk the path.
When he came to the two rattlesnakes he threw a chipmunk into the mouth of each before they could strike him.
“Tca,” he said, “you seem to be in need of food.
Now I have given you that which you should hunt for yourselves.
Hawenio, our Creator, did not make any of his beings to be slaves. Go from this place.”
As soon as he finished speaking, the two rattlesnakes uncoiled and crawled off in different directions, leaving the road unguarded as Hodadenon went along his way.
Meanwhile, back at the lodge, the two tied sticks which had been quivering now stood still as Hodadenon’s uncle watched them intently.
Now the path entered a rocky place.
Again Hodadenon left the trail to scout ahead.
There, where the way dipped between two big boulders, were a pair of giant bears, crouched and ready to tear apart anybody who tried to go by.
“Uncle,” said Hodadenon, “you have travelled this road before.”
He climbed a tree where he heard the buzzing of many bees, pulled out two combs of honey and went back onto the path.
When he came to the bears, he hurled the combs of honey into their mouths before they could grab him.
“Hunh,” the boy said, “it looks to me as if you were hungry.
Now I have given you that which you like best of all.
The one who gave us breath, Hawenio, did not make us to be the slaves of anyone.
Go from this place.”
At his words, the two bears turned and went away,each in a different direction as Hodadenon continued down the trail.
Meanwhile, back at the uncle’s lodge, the two tied sticks stopped quivering and Hodadenon’s uncle breathed a sigh of relief.
Now the path entered a deep forest and wound between large trees.
Leaving the trail, Hodadenon crept along till he could see the place where two huge panthers, eyes glowing like green flames, hid behind a pair of giant pines on either side of the path.
“Uncle,” Hodadenon said, “you remember your travels well.”
Taking his bow and arrows, he killed two deer.
Carrying them over his shoulders, he went down the trail once more.
Before the panthers could leap upon him, he threw each of them a deer.
“Ee-yah,” he said, “I see that you were in need of food.
Now I have given you that which you are supposed to hunt.
Know that the one who gave us strength to walk around, Hawenio, did not intend that any living creature should serve another as a slave.
Go from this place.”
In two different directions away into the trees slunk the panthers and the boy continued along his way.
Meanwhile, back at the lodge, the two sticks which had been shaking as if struck by a strong wind once more stood still as Hodadenon’s uncle watched them.
The path in front of Hodadenon was very straight and wide. It looked to have been travelled by many feet.
The boy listened very carefully and soon he began to hear a very faint song coming from the treetops.
Crawling forward through the brush, he peered up and saw the one who was singing.
It was the skin of a woman tied in the top of a tree.
This was her song:
Gi-nu, gi-nu, gi-nu
I am the one who sees all,
I see you
The song was very soft.
Hodadenon could barely hear it, but he knew it would grow loud indeed if she caught a glimpse of him.
Below her was a grove of trees.
They were covered with a fruit which had burrs all over it.
These, Hodadenon knew, must be the chestnuts.
Beyond the skin woman and the trees was a great pile of human bones and just to the other side of them was the long lodge of the seven witches.
“Tcu,” said Hodadenon, “now I shall need some help.”
Going to a basswood tree, he peeled a long strip of bark.
With a burned stick and the juice of berries, he decorated the piece of bark until it looked just like a long wampum belt.
Slinging it over his shoulder, he knelt down and tapped four times on the earth.
“My friend,” he said, “I am in need of help.”
Up out of the ground poked the nose and then the head of a female mole.
“Nyoh, Hodadenon! How can I help you?” asked the mole.
“Grandmother,” said the boy, “if I make myself very small, will you carry me under the earth with you?”
“That’s too easy,” said the mole. “Let’s go!”
Then Hodadenon began to rub himself with his hands.
As he did so he grew smaller and smaller until he was small enough to travel with the mole under the earth.
Down into the ground they went, coming up beneath the very tree where the Skin Woman was swaying back and forth.
Once again Hodadenon rubbed himself with his hands until he was back to normal.
Then he called up to Skin Woman.
“Sister,” he called, “I have seen you first.
Do not tell the others I am here and I will give you this fine belt of wampum.”
“Wah-ah!” said Skin Woman, “I did not see you, Hodadenon.
Give me the belt and I will not warn them you are here.”
Hodadenon tossed the belt up to Skin Woman.
She put it on and immediately it wrapped itself so tightly about her she could not speak. Under the tree, Hodadenon quickly filled his pouch with chestnuts.
Then, making himself small once more, he called for his friend, Mole, to take him back under the earth.
Up in the tree, Skin Woman finally got her breath. She began to sing:
Gi-nu, gi-nu, gi-nu
Someone has bribed me
I cannot say who
Out from the long lodge ran the seven witches.
Each of them carried a long club.
They ran to the place where Skin Woman hung, but they saw no one.
“Someone has been here,” said one of the witches.
“Some of our chestnuts are gone,” said another.
“Skin Woman,” said a third witch, “you are our slave.
Speak and tell us who has been here.”
But Skin Woman did not answer the question.
All she did was swing back and forth in the wind, singing this song:
Gi-nu, gi-nu, gi-nu
I’ve been given a wampum belt
Shining and new
“You are a fool,” said another of the witches.
“That is only the bark from a tree.”
“It must have been The Last One Left.” said the fifth witch, “the boy whose uncle stole from us long ago.”
“If he comes back,” said the sixth witch, “we will catch him and kill him.”
“Nyoh,” said the last witch, “now we must punish our slave.”
She took her club and struck Skin Woman a heavy blow.
Each of the others did the same.
Then the seven witches went back into the long lodge, leaving the Skin Woman covered with bruises, but still singing softly of her fine new belt of wampum.
Meanwhile, back in the lodge of Hodadenon’s uncle, the two sticks had fallen over on the floor.
Picking them up and standing them upright once more, the old man watched them with great concern.
From his hiding place in the earth, Hodadenon had listened to all that was said by the seven sisters. “It is not right,” he said “that those terrible creatures should go on like this.
Friend Mole, we must go back there.”
The mole dove deeper into the earth.
She carried Hodadenon under the long lodge and came up beneath the couch where the sisters slept.
There, tied to a string of sinew, were seven hearts.
Quick as a spark leaping from the fire, Hodadenon grabbed the string of hearts and ran from the lodge.
Seeing him, the seven witches grabbed their clubs and gave chase.
Now back in the lodge of Hodadenon’s uncle the two sticks fell over once more.
The old man was so disheartened that he did not stand them up again.
He lay there staring at them, certain that his nephew would now never return alive.
From the top of her tree, Skin Woman sang as the seven witches chased Hodadenon:
Gi-nu, gi-nu, gi-nu
Hodadenon has your hearts
This will be the end of you
Now the first witch had almost caught up with the boy and raised her club to strike him.
As she did so, Hodadenon squeezed one of the hearts on the sinew string and the witch fell dead.
Now the second witch was about to strike.
Again Hodadenon squeezed a heart and the second witch died also.
In the end, he had squeezed all seven of the hearts and all seven of the evil sisters had fallen dead.
Climbing to the top of the tree, Hodadenon cut loose the cords which held Skin Woman.
He brought her down and placed her on top of the pile of human bones.
Then he began to push against a great dead hickory tree which was near the pile.
“Get yourselves up, my relatives!” he shouted. “A tree is about to fall on you!”
Immediately Skin Woman and all of the people whose bones were piled there leaped up and came back to life.
Skin Woman was, indeed, the sister of Hodadenon.
Long ago the evil witches had caught her and the others of his family whose bones lay in that pile.
There before him were his parents, his brothers, and all his relations.
All were very happy to be alive and thanked the boy again and again.
Taking the chestnuts from the ground, Hodadenon passed them out to all his relatives.
“Plant these all over,” he said. “Food will be shared with everyone from now on.”
Finally, his pouch filled with chestnuts, Hodadenon went back to the lodge of his uncle.
The old man lay there on his couch, thin as a skeleton, his eyes fixed on the two tied sticks.
“Uncle,” said Hodadenon, “I have returned.”
The old man jumped up and embraced the nephew.
To this day he still sits in that lodge, making chestnut pudding in his pot.
And from that time on, the chestnuts, like all the other good things given to us by Hawenio, our Creator, no longer belong to just one family, no matter how powerful they are, but are shared by all.

Weed withdrawals have been really tough and affecting my sleep so I've been journalling into the late nights. Posting what I wrote tonight here felt appropriate, in case anyone else can relate. I am incredibly sleep deprived so forgive the rambling.
I've been relapsing since December 2023, right before picking up my 9 months. Being back the past couple of weeks has been so beautiful and profound, despite the really difficult physiological parts of withdrawal. I've probably been in and out dozens of times at this point over the past 2 years and coming back in this time felt harder. I think part of it is the shame of coming back after finally "getting it", but everyone has been so kind, and reconnecting with some fellows I lost touch with has been so helpful in remembering why I'm doing this. At my first meeting back in my home group, I got really emotional seeing people who were newcomers when I last saw them be completely different people. It's the proof that I needed that this shit really works.
I've been painting again and drawing a lot with my friends, with feels really nurturing. I wasn't able to make work while I got stoned, and I would beat myself up because I felt like a failed artist. Today I ended up at the same thing with this artist I really admire and I introduced myself and it was really cool to just joke around with him like a normal person instead of being paranoid and awkward. I think weed addiction has a way of making me feel less human. Like the parts of me that are curious, and interesting, and charming, and want to learn more about the world are suppressed when I smoke. It makes me want to exist in a cocoon of comfort.
I think a lot of what kept me from coming back earlier was being scared to exist in the sober world again. The drug has a way of tricking you into thinking you need it - first to have fun, than to relax, than to eat, sleep and exist. I thought it was helping manage my OCD symptoms, but I've noticed a remarkable drop in my intrusive thoughts/patterns. I also went through a breakup a couple months ago, and I was afraid that my feelings would be unmanageable after I stopped. It was surprisingly the opposite. I think the past couple of weeks have been really healing. They drunk messaged me a few days ago being like "fuck you" basically and I was surprised at how little it affected me after the initial shock and hurt. I just said a prayer for them to my HP, which helped me understand that I can't control anything about this situation except my reaction. It's really cool to not "have to" use over things that would have felt really painful if I wasn't sober.
I think it's true when they say you don't lose what you learn after a relapse. I have been in recovery for almost 2 years at this point - day count aside, I can FEEL the difference. Coming back this time, Im a lot more gentler in the way I speak to myself, but a LOT more focused, wiser, trusting the process. Last time around I jumped into the aforementioned relationship, when I was fighting to string together a few weeks. It was very messy. I'm reminded by what an old-timer warned me when I started going out with them - "you attract people who are as well as you are."
I met this girl in my relapse who is genuinely probably one of the most beautiful people I've seen irl and we started seeing each other in the tail end of it. I think my radio-silence when I use has her thinking I'm cool and aloof. As soon as I stopped using I realized I was using her to feel less lonely and it also felt really good to the ego to be with someone so cool and beautiful. I told her I just need to be friends rn the other day and she was so lovely about it and the conversation went well. I think pre-recovery me would have JUMPED at the chance to be with someone like this, but I genuinely have no desire to be with her rn, which is a foreign feeling. I just know deep down I want to stay on this path and I know being with anyone right now will distract from my recovery, my fellows, my art, my work. I also think she deserves better than to be with someone who is as much of a work in progress as I am. This new kind of intuition, where I can feel and trust that this instinct is correct is very foreign to me. Being in the rooms and doing the work and learning how to spend time with myself by being creative has filled this void I used to fill by dating compulsively. This is the first time in sobriety I've been able to stay single and WANT to, which is an incredibly novel feeling. It's also cool to have fellows and know I can call one if I need one.
I think it's important to remember if you're like me and have been in and out that you do learn something just by being here. Reading the book, actually calling a fellow even if it feels awkward, going to a meeting when you don't want to - those things all are real work that is helping you grow as a human. You may not able to see the changes, and it may not feel like it matches up with your day count. But using doesn't nullify all the work you've done.
Not to say it's been easy - I've also had incredible issues eating enough, and I am barely sleeping - this is the harshest withdrawal I've been through because I smoked so much this time. But I've done this before, and I know all withdrawal symptoms will be gone in a month. I also have experienced some tremendous lows in sobriety before, and I know that I'm prone to this pink-cloudedness every time I come back. However, it's 3AM here and I'm exhausted and loopy and starving (but also nauseous at the same time) and I am still so content and grateful to be sober. It's also important to mention that this was NOWHERE near my life when I first came into the rooms - I was unemployed, not in therapy, didn't have a ton of real friends left. Whenever I relapsed I would beat myself up over and over and I've had some dark, debasing moments. It's just easier to know what to do this time because I've worked with a sponsor before, and I had those friendships in the room I formed previously. I also will say I am very lucky to have health insurance and a job and access to in-person meetings in my city and therapy, which makes my experience in recovery a lot easier than a lot of people. However I have heard stories of people overcoming hell to come back.
Thanks for reading this very rambly post if you've stuck through it. tldr the rooms have given me my life back a hundred times and recovery is a life-long journey. Feel free to PM if you wanna talk further about MA :) Below is a very deep cut 12 step prayer I just learned/my new favorite, called the unity prayer:
I put my heart in yours and together we can do what we could never do alone.
No longer is there a sense of hopelessness.
No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower.
We are all together now, reaching out our hearts for a power and strength greater than ours; and as we join hearts, we find love and understanding beyond our wildest dreams.
We do recover <3

Ive never had trouble finding a job, up to my early 20s i took on retail and restaurant supervisory/managerial roles i never applied for but was quickly promoted to. I'm not trying to be cocky in any way, but I'm generally good with people and have literally never gone through an interview sequence and not landed the job.
That was up to 2012 at the start of my college career, I had a job going into it but had to work full time so college was slow for me, but all the same Ive consistently done freelance IT work since around then, everything from small office network design to system builds and streamlining (cost reducing) upgrade paths.
In my last semester of my junior year I quit school to start a company with someone that had previously been an investor for a smaller project. We killed it, made incredible money for a startup, gained numerous international clients, grew to an organic following of over 200k...and then covid hit. My father lost half his hours, our company sales tanked from the travel restrictions, and we had a buyer interested in a total asset transfer sale... so we pulled the trigger and sold the company, it was the right choice, it died in his hands in the years following from lack of effort and a severely reduced interest in the market.
In the time since, I've passed my CompTIA A+, Network+, numerous free certs, and am working on my security+ which is indicated in my resume...
And yet after 165 resume submissions and literally applying to every listed open position within 40 miles which on paper I should easily qualify for, I have received precisely zero callbacks, just two obvious RTS rejections. I get I've never worked in a corporate role before but this is baffling, I have an easy ten plus years of pc tech knowledge and run circles around personal friends that are employed sysadmins, and yet i cant even get into an interview for the most basic help desk job that pays less than the local taco bell. I truly dont get it, in college I had job offers coming to me simply because I stated I had built pc's and it was on my linkedin, now with ten years experience that spans all the major operating systems and numerous hardware platforms along with extensive b2b experience from running a company I cant even score an interview for an entry level help desk job?!?!
Like...I want to be mad, but Im more confused than anything. Hell, Ive even seen jobs i applied for that i was overqualified for but got no response...repost the listing days later. What the heck is up with the current job market?!?! I know Ive been out of the job search for over 10 years, but this is insane, it feels like actual qualifications are entirely irrelevant and people hire off the few with correctly tailored keywords that manage to hack their way past the initial filters.
With 165 resumes, 40+ were physical ones, of the remaining 125 I legitimately have doubts a single actual human saw them even once. Am I just old and jaded, or is the current job market and hunt process just really this messed up?