WOW! I was not expecting to like this as much as I did. There were moments that truly took my breath away (breath pun intended!!!).
I finished the available works on Stormlight and Mistborn so I decided to take on the rest of the works that make up the Cosmere. Warbreaker has been sitting on my TBR but I wasn't excited about it for a couple of reasons:

1. I don't like the cover art (still don't. Though I do love the other art by Dan dos Santos).
   
2. Characterization was an issue in Sanderson's early works.
   
3. I haven't seen many posts about it so I assumed that people didn't care much for it.
   

Getting into this book I was pleasantly surprised, my expectations blown away (another breath pun!!!).
Some thoughts on what I loved:
-The colorful characterization and imagery. These people are beautiful and their places are beautiful. T'Telir reminded me of a colorful version of Athens, Greece +rainforest. The Returned were truly shining diva's in my mind. Susebron, stunning. There's a lot of iridescent AI art on my Instagram feed right now and I was able to mentally apply that style to these characters in my mind. It was a lot of fun.
-I normally don't enjoy political subterfuge, as it can get kind of dry. But when the characters are so visually beautiful and over the top, it makes it pretty fun.
-Betrayal was a big theme of this work. I was totally caught off guard at Denth's betrayal of Vivenna. I knew Vasher's story up to that point was unreconciled but I didn't imagine that was how it would come together.
-Vivenna's fall from grace was glorious for me. She was not served a slice of humble pie. The Gods took the whole pie, smashed it in her face, rubbed it in, and then spit on her. It's so satisfying because she is so unlikable. But the portrayal of her as someone who is continually trying to do the right thing and it always turns out wrong made her lovable in the end.
-Susebron's character reveal/progression was very well done. From looming dark shadow, to child man king, to colorful savior and beautiful husband. I couldn't have predicted his progression even if I tried.
-“My life to yours. My Breath become yours.” meant nothing to me until Lightborn said it, at which point I BALLED. Now when I see that quote my mind goes straight back to that moment and I tear up. To witness someone find their purpose and give themselves to the world... it was truly a beautiful moment.
Controversially, I can honestly say I liked Warbreaker more than a lot of Mistborn. The pacing and characterization issues that bugged me about Mistborn were not an issue here. This piece flowed very nicely.
Sorry for making this so long. In summary, I hope this post reaches the right person who is thinking about reading Warbreaker but just isn't sure about it.

Took the kids (10 y/o boy and 7 y/o girl) to WDW for Spring Break without my wife because she had to stay at work. Day-by-day with some commentary below (including a brief summary of our pre-WDW trip to the Everglades and Biscayne for anyone else who is thinking about adding that on to their trip).
Overall, we had a great time, and while it was crowded, we were able to work it so we didn't wait in any lines for more than 60 minutes and still got into every attraction we wanted (except for my son who was very sad that Rock n' Roller Coaster was closed). Going early was definitely the key to doing that well, more so than ILL or Genie. I bought a bunch of breakfast bars and juice boxes on Instacart and had them delivered, and doing that for breakfast definitely helped us get out early each day. For our two days with two parks, our strategy was to go early to the first park and ride using standby lines until the lines got too long while accumulating afternoon/evening lightning lanes for the second park, and I think that strategy also worked really well. The kids did better waiting in the morning before they were exhausted, and in the afternoon, we largely walked from LL to LL which made everyone happy.
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Saturday, March 23 - Travel Day
Flew to Ft Lauderdale, drove to Homestead, FL for two days (stayed at Fairfield Inn which was a completely ordinary chain hotel!)
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Sunday, March 24 - Everglades National Park
Morning tour of Shark Valley by Tram--tons of gators including baby gators and also a lot of cool birds. Highly recommend
Afternoon tour of Royal Palm, the Nike Missile Site, and Pa-Hay-Okee with the Everglades Institute. Our guide was amazing, especially with the kids. It was one of the best National Park programs we've done!
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Monday, March 25 - Biscayne National Park
Morning boat tour called Heritage of Biscayne. The history was really interesting and the scenery was beautiful, but it was pretty windy, and we all unexpectedly got absolutely trenched crossing the bay from Homestead to the islands. Spent about an hour wandering around one of the islands with a lighthouse and small beach. This tour I think would have been better in an enclosed boat!
Drove back up to Ft Lauderdale to the Brightline train station downtown to return the rental car, see a friend who lives there, and take one of the later afternoon trains to Orlando. The Brightline was easy to use for the trip. The only issue was that they were out of almost all food on the train (where we'd planned to eat dinner), but we made it, and even caught a glimpse of a rocket launch from Cape Canaveral on our way by.
We took a Lyft from the Orlando airport (where Brightline drops off) to the Caribbean Beach Resort. We requested a room in Jamaica and ended up on the second floor of building 45, which was a great location. A 5 minute walk to the Skyliner and 5 minutes to Old Port Royale where the lobby, food, and big swimming pool are. There was also a smaller leisure pool one building over for us. We had a 2 queen + 5th sleeper which worked great with me and the two kids. Would absolutely stay here again
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Tuesday, March 26 - Animal Kingdom
Purchased extras: ILL for Flight of Passage, Walking with Giants
ADR: Rainforest Café dinner
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Took bus (10 minute wait), arrived about 7:20 am for early entry
Expedition Everest x 2 - This is one of my kids favorite rides and we were able to walk on twice with early entry!
Kilimanjaro Safari - line looked scary long since they didn't open until 8:15, but we were on in 15 minutes
Na’vi River Journey - remains meh for all of us, but at least it was a quick wait
Walking with Giants - this tour is a hidden gem! You get a peek behind the scenes and then some time pretty up close with the elephants with a cast member who is an expert in all things elephant. Baby Corra was out and we enjoyed watching her romp around with her mom. As extras go, this one is relatively affordable and was pretty amazing!
Lunch at Flame Tree BBQ - this was fine and we used mobile order which worked well.
Meet Moana - my daughter was wearing her Moana dress by coincidence and was definitely not going to pass up the opportunity to meet her twin! :-)
Dinosaur - Because this and Indiana Jones are just so bumpy-jolty, I really don't enjoy them, but my kids insisted.
The Boneyard - I thought my kids would be getting too old for this but they had a good time for half an hour or so
ILL Flight of Passage - Remains amazing. And well worth the ILL to skip the line.
Festival of the Lion King - This show was fine, but I definitely think there are other Disney stage shows that are better. Worth seeing, but probably wouldn't be my top choice if time-pressured.
Discovery Island Trails - found many, many animals. Would be great to have a checklist or game from Disney for how many animals you can find!
Rainforest Café Dinner - This is a tradition for us every time we come (and has been since I was a kid). It's always been a mediocre, but it's our mediocre!
Back to Hotel for brief swim in Jamaica pool and bed
Total steps: 14,595
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Wednesday, March 27 - Magic Kingdom and Disney Springs
Purchased Extras: ILL for Tron, Cirque du Soleil tickets
ADR: Boathouse Cantina dinner
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Took the bus for early entry, arriving around 7:20
Tried to do Space Mountain but was down at opening so regrouped
Barnstormer - this remains a strangely intense roller coaster despite seeming like it's aimed at little kids
It’s A Small World - nothing to add!
Haunted Mansion - quick time to get on. The mood was brought down a little by several CM announcements to stay seated, etc.
Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin - waited about 30 minutes. Toy Story Mania is definitely better--had some tech issues with the space guns during the ride.
ILL Tron - I've never seen the movie, but they give you enough in the preshow to understand what's happening. Definitely enjoyed the roller coaster!
Monsters, Inc Laugh Floor - My 10 y/o is all about the puns. The text a joke was down for us while we were there.
Lunch at Pinocchio Village Haus - pizza
Mickey’s PhilharMagic - this show is still fun, even if it's definitely getting a little dated
Hall of Presidents - my son is a politics/history buff and has to see this every time we go. The only cheering/booing was for Polk. For reasons.
Bus back to hotel for a quick room break with some cartoons
Bus to Disney Springs
Wandered around shopping a bit, also did some pin trading and played in the Lego bins
Dinner at Boathouse Cantina which was excellent for all. Definitely the best food quality of the week
Cirque du Soleil's Drawn to Life (early show) - we sat pretty high up which I was worried about, but we could see fine. The show was a lot of fun for all of us. Amazing mix of artistry and physical performances!
Ice cream at Salt and Straw on the way back to the bus
Bus back to hotel for bed.
Total steps: 14,867
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Thursday, March 28 - EPCOT and Magic Kingdom
Purchased extras: Genie for MK
ADR: Teppan Edo Lunch, MK Pre-Fireworks Dessert Party
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Skyliner to EPCOT, arriving 8:20
Remy’s Ratatouille Adventure - waited about 45 minutes despite Early Entry. It was fine, but I was honestly a little disappointed. It felt too screen focused and missed some of the Disney magic.
Frozen Ever After - waited about an hour. I still miss Maelstrom, but the ride is still fun and this is a much better mix of animatronics and screens!
Gran Fiesta Tour Starring The Three Caballeros - so hokey, but hey it has Donald
Meet Pluto - ran into him in front of Spaceship Earth, and had to stop since he is our favorite classic character
The Seas with Nemo and Friends - took surprisingly long to get in. We'd planned to do Turtle Talk inside, but didn't have time before our Lunch reservation.
Manatee Feeding - this was fun--lots of lettuce for them and a keeper who had some interesting factoids
Lunch at Teppan Edo - excellent--both kids loved the hibachi style and the chef was great!
Beauty and the Beast Sing-a-Long - stopped here on the way back and enjoyed the revision to the story.
Back to Hotel via Skyliner
Swimming Time - big pool was still closed for renovation, so we swam at the Jamaica pool
Bus to MK, arriving around 5
LL-Space Mountain - still great!
LL-Meet Cinderella and a Visiting Princess (Elena of Avalon) - this was a better experience than I'd have guessed. It was fun to watch the princesses interact with kids from babies to teenagers
Pirates of the Caribbean - 20 minute wait to get on. The DL version still has my heart, but we had a good time.
Swiss Family Treehouse - climbed through--the tree house itself is great, but should really be rethemed--there were far too many confused kids who'd never heard of the Swiss Family Robinson.
MK Pre-Fireworks Dessert Party--this was a splurge but so much fun. So much dessert that we had dessert for dinner (hey it's vacation!) . The CMs were friendly and helpful. And the viewing area is right in front of the castle.
Happily Ever After - loved the show and being able to see all the projections!
LL—Jungle Cruise - not my favorite skipper, but still some good jokes.
LL-Mad Tea Party x 2 - should say, this was just the kids. I do not do teacups because I valued keeping my dessert dinner inside me!
Voyage of the Little Mermaid - because no line. Pretty skippable otherwise.
LL-Big Thunder Mountain - close out the day with some nighttime train riding!
But back to hotel for bed
Total Steps: 18.268
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Friday, March 29 - Hollywood Studios
Purchased Extras: ILL for Rise, Genie (late - I set my alarm wrong, so missed first pick!)
ADR: Toppolino’s Terrace Character Brunch, 50s’ Primetime Café Dinner with Fantasmic Seats
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Skyliner to arrive 8:15
Slinky Dog - 45 minute wait. This roller coaster is fun, but I still don't understand why it's as popular as it is
Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railroad - 45 minute wait, but this rides is always surprisingly fun
Skyliner to Riviera Resort for brunch
Brunch at Toppolino’s Terrace (Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy) - loved the Riviera outfits for all the characters. Food was good. View was amazing. Happy we did it.
Skyliner to hotel (could have walked, but my daughter loves the Skyliner!)
Nap time after late night the night before and early morning
Back to park around 1:30
LL-Millenium Falcon – Smuggler’s Run - one or more systems were down, so this was almost an hour wait WITH lightning lane. This ride always seemed a little too video gamey for me.
Toy Story Mania! - love it every time. Made a mistake and got into the meet Woody line by accident which cost us 15 minutes of waiting before I caught it, and ended up waiting just under an hour to get on in standby
ILL-Rise of the Resistance - still an amazing ride. First Order cast members were not as harsh as they'd been on previous trips--don't know if that was luck of the draw of a one-off.
LL-Star Tours - Ewok forest and JarJar sea this time
Dinner at 50’s Primetime Café with Fantasmic seating- was disappointed with this. The food was good, but our waiter had none of the cafe attitude I expected.
Muppet Vision 3D - mostly to kill time, but we all enjoyed it very much
LL—The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror - my daughter's favorite ride. They talked me into going. I always half-regret it, but hey, memories!
Fantasmic! - had great seats because of the dinner tickets. The dragon did not catch on fire. Always a fun show. We did get a little wetter and colder than we expected. I think I like the Disneyland version on the park-integrated river better than the theater version but both have plusses for sure!
Total steps: 14,344
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Saturday, March 30 - Magic Kingdom and EPCOT
Purchased Extras: ILL for Guardians of the Galaxy Cosmic Rewind, Genie for EPCOT
ADR: Space 220 late lunch, Rose & Crown Fireworks Package
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Bus to arrive around 7:15
Seven Dwarf’s Mine Train - 20 minute wait, great ride
Peter Pan - 20 minute wait, my favorite nostalgia ride
Prince Charming Regal Carousel - because why not?
The Many Adventure’s of Winnie the Pooh - the queue activities are better than the actual ride
Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover - hadn't done it since I was a kid. Wish you could see more inside the rides.
Back to hotel for swimming. The Fuente Del Morro pool had opened so swam there and got snacks at Banana Cabana. Kids loved the slide.
Skyliner to Epcot
Meet Pluto (again) - hanging out again in front of Spaceship Earth
Journey of Water, Inspired by Moana - what a cool area! The educational bits were well done, the water effects all worked, loved it!
Space 220 Lunch - disappointed in this one. They say out by a window where we couldn't see earth at all. The food was fine. Definitely not worth the cost overall (though they didn't ask about kids ages here and decided that my 10 y/o was a kid).
LL: Mission: Space - 7 y/o and I did green, 10 y/o did orange all thought it was great
LL: Test Track - actually made it through the queue, design, and ride with nothing breaking! That's a win!
ILL: Guardians of the Galaxy Cosmic Rewind - this ride is incredible. By far the best thrill ride in the parks!
LL: Soarin’ Around the World - Definitely showing its age. The screen had black marks almost directly below us which were really distracting. I hope that the new patent is a sign of things to come because I love this ride, especially the California version.
Living with the Land - thought the kids would be bored, but my daughter was super excited to go on a science ride!
LL: Journey Into Imagination with Figment - I do love Figment. I was sad that the gift shop didn't sell a Figment-themed picture frame--if anyone knows where to get one, let me know.
LL: Turtle Talk with Crush - the kids were fighting so the ended up sitting on opposite sides of the carpet and both got to talk with Crush! We entered through the gift shop this time to avoid the Nemo line.
Rose and Crown Fireworks Dinner - This was probably the most disappointing meal of the week. The food was overall pretty bad. Service was incredibly slow (we were seated at 7:45, appetizers at 8:30, entrees at 9, dessert at 9:30 after the show and park had closed. The kids menu had one choice for an appetizer: salad with fat-free ranch dressing. Of our three entrees, my fish and chips were very underseasoned (and no salt on the table) and my daughter's chicken was rock hard. My son's shepherd's pie was good. Despite the good, the view of the show was near perfect, so that part was good.
Luminous: The Symphony of Us - this show was shorter than I'd have guessed. We all enjoyed it though.
Skyliner back to hotel for bed--our only time with a significant Skyliner wait--25 minutes.
total steps: 15,949
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Sunday, March 31 - EPCOT and Travel
Purchased Extras: None
ADR: Akerhus Royal Banquet Hall Character Breakfast (booked the morning of!)
We got up a little later and were bringing our bags over to Old Port Royale to store for the day when we came across Easter festivities! The hotel CMs had multiple designs of Caribbean sea creatures made out of candy, each for a different age group. The kids got to do a candy scramble and left with a ton of candy. Very fun and they had more things going through the day that we elected to skip.
Skyliner to EPCOT, arriving around 9:45
VQ: Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind - We wanted to ride again, so got a virtual queue spot in group 6. We didn't make it over in our window (which was 8:48-9:48), but they let us on at 10 am anyway. Remains very fun.
Brunch at Akerhus Royal Banquet - met Aurora, Tiana, Belle, Ariel, and Snow White. Food was also quite good. Much more low key than Royal Table!
Disney’s DuckTales World Showcase Adventure: Japan, France, and UK - Kids watch the show, so we decided to try assuming it would be silly, but it was actually one of the most fun thing we did. Highly recommend for anyone school aged or above! I'll be doing more the next time I go back for sure!
Skyliner back to hotel, walk to Old Port Royale, Lyft to airport, and flight home.
Total Steps: 11,689
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Hi all! I've been learning Spanish since around this past September and have enjoyed being part of this community. One of the best things about the journey so far is (finally!) being able to read. Beginning at around 500 hours, I picked up beginners books and worked my way up to finishing up Prisoner of Azkaban today, rounding off my TOTAL WORDS READ at 1.12 million words and TOTAL NUMBER OF HOURS at 1116. Inspired by this post, and my general frustration about how little people around here talk about their reading journey, I decided to give an exhaustive analysis of my journey to 1 million words.
Linked is the reading list. How this post will go is I will generally go book-by-book and give my thoughts. Before beginning, two warnings:

• Word count may be a bit off, especially for Juan's books. Annoyingly, most of the books on this list do not have publicly-available wordcounts, and the Amazon Web Reader is unable to give a wordcount of the books you're reading. And so I had to estimate for several of these books.
  
• If the dates look a bit off, this is because there are some days in which I can read all day; others where I can't. So some of these books were finished in periods of time one would think a bit peculiar.
  

GENERAL THOUGHTS
So far, I can generally divide my reading journey so far into three sections:

• 0-525,000: This period was mostly made up of graded readers, specifically by authors Juan Fernandez and Olly Richards. I began reading at around 500 hours, so a bit earlier than advised. Predictably, this was probably the most directly difficult part of the journey. The difficulty wasn't the process of reading itself. I began reading a bit earlier than recommended (500 hours) but surprisingly found that I could understand the A1 readers fairly easily. The difficulty was more in how boring the content was. This isn't an insult to Juan and Olly, who are very good at writing short stories. The problem is that the kinds of stories that could be told were necessarily limited by the grammatical tools and vocabulary available. So stories with a good deal of complexity and depth were out of my reach.
  
• 500,000-684,000 - The shortest section, transitional in nature, and where things really started cooking. I reached 525k words at around 750 hours. All the books in this section were beginner young adult books written by author Lemony Snicket. Overall, probably the point where sparks began to fly and I began thinking "Oh my God, I can read real books in Spanish! For beginners wanting to become intermediate readers, I cannot recommend the Spanish translation of A Series of Unfortunate Events highly enough. Snicket employs a lot of ironic and deadpan humor which takes the form of over-explaining things or characters repetitiously explaining certain plot elements. I'll get to why that's good in a second.
  
• 685,000-1,125,186 - My present stage of the journey and where I felt I could truly tell people "Yeah, I can read in Spanish." I reached 685k words at around 843 hours. Most of the books in this section were advanced young adult books written by Rick Riordan, Lemony Snicket, and J.K. Rowling. The first book I read in this stretch was The Lightning Thief, which was such a big jump in difficulty from Snicket that it took a week to adjust to the prose. However, I was happy to see that things got easier as I approached the end.
  After finishing The Lightning Thief, I read a couple more Snicket books before finally starting Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I read the first page of Sorcerer's Stone sporadically over the past 500 hours to check if it was easy enough to read, but no dice. It was only at around 945 hours did it finally click and Harry Potter was sufficiently easy enough for me to read.
  

HOW DID I ENJOY EACH BOOK
I'm going to quickly go through each book and (if there are several books of each author) series in the order in which I read them and give my general thoughts:

• Hola Lola by Juan Fernandez - Big fan, excellent beginner's book. Very fun story despite the very simple vocabulary and grammar. I unironically recommend everyone to start with this book. 8/10.
  
• El Hombre Fascinante by Juan Fernandez - Another banger by Juan, does a great job introducing the past tense, with an even better story than Hola Lola. 9/10.
  
• Ana Estudiante by Paco Ardit - I'm going to be harsh here. Going from Juan's books to Paco's was such a huge letdown. There's so little story here I found myself checking my phone often. 1/10.
  
• Short Stories in Spanish for Beginners by Olly Richards - This is a very fun set of short stories! Olly, like Juan, is a great storyteller. However, I do not recommend beginners start here. This is more intermediate than beginner. Still a good way to get out of your comfort zone though. 6/10.
  
• La Prof de Escuela by Juan Fernandez - My favorite Juan book. Super fun story, great characters, appropriate lower-intermediate level, and introduces (some) of the subjunctive. 9/10
  
• Ano Nuevo, Vido Nueva by Juan Fernandez - I honestly don't remember much of this, which is odd considering it's longer than La Prof de Escuela. It's honestly just fine. 5/10
  
• Me Voy O Me Quedo by Juan Ferndandez - A step above La Prof de Escula in difficulty. A very good graded reader that toes the line between lower- and upper-intermediate. This is especially good if you're itching to read something that strikes a more serious tone (Juan tackles the issue of immigration in a small British hamlet outside London) while maintaining the silly humor we normally associate with Juan. 7/10
  
• El Asedio del Supermercado by Ana Martin - Graded reader I got from Amazon. It's... fine. Not too much story, very short, and easy to the point of being boring. Just stick with Juan imo. 4/10
  
• Fantasmas del Pasado by Juan Fernandez - I'm torn here. On the one hand, Juan aims for something a bit darker than his usual stories and I think he generally succeeds here. On the other hand, a good bit of the writing is overwrought even for a graded reader. Me Voy O Me Quedo does a better job tackling serious subject matter with more likable characters. Though I suppose Juan purposely wrote the characters in this one to be pretty unlikable, so I hesitate to count this against the book itself. I think this is a good introduction to some of the mid-intermediate graded readers though. Just don't expect this to have the likability of La Prof de Escuela. 6/10
  
• Short Stories in Spanish for Beginners vol 2 by Olly Richards - take what I said about Olly's first volume of short stories and apply it here. Even at this level, this book was still a bit challenging, which renders the for Beginners part of the title quite questionable. But aside from the flawed advertising, the stories in here are pretty entertaining and serve as a good bridge to the intermediate level if you're looking for something challenging. 6/10.
  
• A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket - I read too many of these books to review each one. This is a fantastic series of books that serve as a wonderful start to the easier young adult books out there. I loved these books growing up and I think you will too. The books follow three orphans as they go from guardian to guardian fleeing the devious Count Olaf who is after their fortune. As I alluded above, Snicket employs quite a bit of sardonic humor in his books and plays with language quite a bit.
  Normally, puns would be off the table for those at a beginneintermediate level. But much of the humor and the way in which Snicket plays with language comes from repetition and over-explanation, which happens to be very useful for someone learning the language. The plots are fun, the literary aesthetic is great (think of a darker Wes Anderson), and it'll keep you hooked from beginning to end. Overall, if you're looking for your first "real" young adult book to read, I give this a 10/10.
  
• The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan - Oh man, now this was a jump. I loved the books growing up, so I thought reading this would be a piece of cake. Nope! The first few chapters were especially rough. Fortunately, I adjusted, and this served as a good jumping off point to more advanced young adult books. Very fun! Overall: 8/10
  
• Harry Potter by J.K Rowling - Ah. Here we are. The books to read for someone trying to get good at Spanish. I've waited and worked so long to finally get this to CI level. And it was worth it! I don't need to tell you what these books are about. The ambience is very whimsical, the adventures are fun, etc.
  The only thing I'd say is that, speaking as someone who prefers more advanced literature, this could be a bit of a slog to read. This isn't to dunk on Rowling's writing. I mostly say this because you can really tell these books are written for children. The prose is uninspired and the dialogue is generally pretty wooden. Fortunately this hasn't impeded my enjoyment of the books; if anything, it's spurred me to read more. Hopefully, give or take a couple more books, I'll finally be able to move on to some more advanced stuff like the Reina Roja trilogy. Overall: 7/10
  

GENERAL TAKEAWAYS

How would you rate your reading abilities now that you're past 1 million words?

I'd say very well! I think past 1 million words, one can tentatively say they can read in Spanish. Now, that absolutely isn't to say I understand every word on each page. However, I can pretty easily follow every major and 80 percent of the minor plot points throughout Harry Potter at my level. Which, I think, is the most important result.

How do you know when a book is CI?

It generally comes down to gut feeling. Only you can determinate what's comprehensible and what's not. The above is a guide and not a set of mandatory deadlines. However, I'll give some good advice that worked for me. If you feel your eyes gliding over the page and receiving an image of what's going on without having to work very hard, it's comprehensible. Note, the picture doesn't need to be crystal clear; it just has to be there.
To use a metaphor, think of yourself as an explorer in the African Savannah. A book that's just good enough to be CI is like wading through a field of grass as tall as your shoulders. It's not easy, but you can move with ease. However, if a book feels like being an explorer in the Brazilian rainforest, with you having to slash through vines, branches, and greenery just to move a few feet at a time, then that book is not CI just yet.

What are your plans pertaining to reading going forward?

I hope to get to 2 million words read by the time I hit 1500 hours in mid-May. Right now, I plan on finishing the rest of A Series of Unfortunate Events to give myself a break after Harry Potter. Hopefully, by that point, I can try my hand at a thriller novel directed towards adults like one of the Reina Roja books.

Would you say reading has helped your listening?

Yes, absolutely. I have a far larger vocabulary than I would otherwise and I'm able to better understand more stuff said in movies/TV shows by virtue of having already encountered those words while reading. I'm also better equipped to express myself while speaking, which is a big plus.

What's one thing you would change how you went about things?

In previous posts, I mentioned my trepidation with discounting reading from the Dreaming Spanish 'Progress' metrics. However, after some thought and reading some of the thoughts of the community, I've concluded that one should not count reading as 'hours'. While a source of input, reading is different enough from listening that neither can be a proper substitute for the other. So, doing it over again, I would not have counted my reading as hours of CI in a proper sense.

Are there any things you'd like to tell the community?

Yes. Do not be afraid to begin reading earlier than 600 hours. Personally, I love reading, and so waiting for 600 hours felt like torture. I think Pablo's advice holds quite a bit of water. When I tried reading Hola Lola at around 150 hours, it was a tremendous struggle. But starting at 500, it was much easier and more fun. So, waiting in general is good advice.
However, I don't think waiting until 600 hours is necessary. By 500 hours, your sub-vocalization will probably good enough to begin reading by that point. I partly think at least some of the fixation on waiting until (¡Dios mío!) 1000 hours to start reading is the product of anxiety about having a less-than-perfect accent. I'm here to tell you this: speaking as someone who begin italki conversation practice at 600 hours, and has now accrued a total of 100 hours of speaking experience, my pronunciation is good.
Am I recognizably American? Yes. Am I able to be understood? Yes. There is a difference between accent and pronunciation. My tutors have told me my pronunciation is excellent and that they can easily understand me. At the end of the day, when you're learning a language, being understood is what really matters. And there are few ways to improve at this other than by reading books and acquiring a larger vocabulary which allows you to achieve a finer level of nuance your manner of expression. So no, do not worry about your accent if you begin reading a bit earlier than what the roadmap recommends.
Anyways, accents are fun. Embrace it!
CONCLUSION
I love reading and am fully intent on continuing to read. I highly, highly recommend the beginners of this sub to begin reading when you feel like you have the ability to do so! That could be 600 hours, 500 hours, or even 700 hours. Overall, just try to have fun and really learn the language. :)
My Past Progress Posts:

• 180 hour update
  
• 300 hour update
  
• 700 hour update
  
• 1000 hour update
  

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Fir woke up quickly.
Which surprised him. Given how terrible he’d felt when he first went unconscious, he expected waking up to be a slow, groggy, aching experience that was as unpleasant as it was long.
One moment he was drifting through darkness, feeling nothing among endless sleep. Then in the next, beams of light forced his eyes open as he hurtled into consciousness. That’s when the pain hit. His head resumed pounding, his lungs resumed screaming, and his muscles reminded Fir of their soreness as his body begrudgingly grinded back to normalcy.
At least the bed he was on was comfy. It rocked gently back and forth, lulling him to sleep and – wait a minute, since when did beds move?
It must be those hammocks Juniper talked about. Fir stifled a yawn. Someone should tell her what… beds… are…
This time Fir woke up slowly.
His body still hurt, but far less so than before. The pain that did emerge soon receded to a manageable buzz. Fir’s stomach growled.
I should probably get up.
Groaning, Fir opened his eyes. He was in the same room as before, hammock swaying gently as he lifted his head. Morning light gently filtered through the window behind him, revealing a shelf to his left and a door to his right. Confusion settled over him. Where was he?
Fir slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, holding both arms out to keep steady on the hammock. He remembered fighting the fire, then trying to call out to Juniper before collapsing. Was he in their healer’s pavilion?
As if on cue he heard talonsteps from outside. The door opened.
It was Juniper, munching on some sort of vegetable. She glanced at Fir then paused, eyes comically wide in surprise. They stared at each other for a few moments.
“Hey Juniper.” Fir greeted. “You got any more of those dragonberries?” His stomach growled in agreement.
Juniper took a step forward. “You’re awake.” She whispered. “You’re really awake.” She repeated louder, taking another step.
All of a sudden she ran up to Fir and poked his snout. “What were you thinking?” She scolded as Fir cowered. “Diving into smoke without protection? You idiot, don’t ever do that again! You were lucky we were here to save you!”
“Yes.” Fir agreed, looking at Juniper. “I was very lucky. I owe you my life.”
“And I owe you my village.” She responded, face clear with relief. “Just don’t do stupid things like that again.” She sternly ordered.
“Aye aye, captain.” Fir made a mock salute.
“Junie?” Another voice called beyond the door. “You in there? I need you to get some–” The dragon who entered paused immediately. She was older, and had the same smattering of green and brown scales as Juniper. Is she her –
“Mother!” Juniper exclaimed. “Fir’s finally awake.”
“Finally awake?” He asked as Juniper went to the shelf.
“You have been asleep for three days.” Juniper’s mother answered, closing the door.
That long? Fir nodded, unsure what to say next.
“Silly me, where are my manners?. This is the healer’s pavilion. I’m Cypress, Juniper’s mother.” She introduced herself. “And you must be Fir the Icewing.”
“The one and only.” That much was true on Pantala.
“Juniper has told me so much about you.” Cypress winked and grinned.
From the shelf Juniper whipped around, face reddening. She looked as if she wanted to crawl into a corner and disappear forever. “Mother.” She hissed.
“What?” Cypress coyly asked. “She said only good things, don’t worry.”
“MOTHER!” Juniper looked ready to bolt out the door.
“If you say so.” Cypress fake sighed before turning to Fir with a more formal tone. “You suffered from smoke inhalation, minor burns, and a reopened laceration. We’ve wrapped up the cut but it's the other two that deserve attention. However, you’re. healing much faster than we expected. With injuries like that a dragon should be out for at least a week, not wake in half the time like you did.”
“We think it's because of your internal temperature.” Juniper spoke, still glaring at Cypress. “Your body is so cold that it resists burning and smoke in a way Leafwings can’t.”
Fir examined his claws, gladder than ever to be an Icewing. “Does this mean I can leave the pavilion?”
“Correct.” Cypress nodded. “You’ll be discharged and set loose – the whole village is eager to meet you.”
Someone knocked on the door. The three dragons turned to look.
“I’ll get it.” Juniper started. “It’s probably Azalea coming to thank you for saving your dad’s – ” She opened the door and stopped. “ – store…”
Elder Rowan stood at the entrance. “Hello, Juniper. I was overseeing the pavilion when I heard commotion from inside. May I speak to Fir?”
Fir’s blood boiled. This was the dragon that called him an intruder – a threat. He was the one who threw him in a cell, the one who was going to kill him out of fear.
“I have nothing to say to you!” He snarled. “How dare you come here!”
The Elder silently walked in. “You have every right to be furious at me.”
“And. I. Am.” Fir spit out. “I haven’t forgotten what you did in the meadow, nor what you were going to do had Juniper not freed me.”
“I don’t expect you to. You shouldn’t forget what I did.” Rowan conceded. “That’s why I’m here to apologize.”
In the stunned silence that followed the Elder looked back at the door. “That fire was going to destroy us.” He admitted. “It spread too suddenly and too quickly. Most were in the upper levels waiting for your… trial. We were caught unprepared because of me.”
“But you,” he turned to Fir, “you stopped that. Our homes are safe. Our trees live. Not a single villager had died. We’re even able to recover most of the shops all because of you.”
“These are uncertain times, and as leader I believed I had to act the way I did… but my reasons don’t justify my actions. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” Rowan finished. “But you deserve this apology.”
Fir clenched his talons. After everything he did, Elder Rowan didn't deserve forgiveness. If he was Elder he would… he would… he looked at Juniper’s hopeful face. That made him pause.
If a strange dragon landed on the shores of Among-The-Evergreens, Fir would’ve been suspicious too. He thought back to the rhymes taught in childhood: “If a dragon’s not an Icewing, They’re a danger to our crown.” Would he really have acted any different?
Fir stood up from his hammock and approached the Elder. “Elder Rowan. I accept your apology.”
Juniper and Cypress looked pleasantly surprised.
The Elder humbly bowed before moving to the door. “Thank you. I have records and maps in the library in my treehouse detailing attempts at traveling east. They may prove useful in returning home. Come to my treehouse when you can, and I’ll be happy to help.”
He stopped at the entrance. “The village of Willowwood welcomes you, Fir the Icewing. Goodbye.”
Once the Elder left Fir looked at Juniper. “That was…”
“Unexpected?” She finished.
“Exactly.”
“Our Elder is more humble than you realize.” Cypress added. “Deep down he’s a good dragon.”
“Well deep down I’m hungry.” Fir patted his stomach. “Have anything good to eat?”
“Absolutely!” Juniper took Fir’s claws between her own. “We have a bunch of restaurants and food stands around the village. Let me give you a tour – you’ll love it, I promise!”
“I like the sound of that.” Fir nodded excitedly. “Lead the way, Juniper.”
“Once you finish that tour, forage some truffles for me. We can make soup with it for the festival.” Cypress called. Juniper nodded as they left.
She began the tour as soon as they left the room. Below them Fir saw rows upon rows of hammocks, filled with patients and healers bustling about.
“This is the main patient’s area of the healer’s pavilion.” Juniper gestured below. “You were in a private room carved into the tree itself.” She gestured behind them. Sure enough, Fir saw smoothed bark surrounding the door.
“Below this floor are rooms for storage and training.” She pointed down before flying up. “But those are boring – let’s go to the roof instead!”
The “roof” was the canopy of the tree the pavilion was nestled under. Spindly branches supported the cover of leaves that filtered light through, and Fir could see the silhouettes of the dragons overhead. As they flew to the roof a few dragons below noticed him. Their excited voices filled the space behind them as the two finally exited. Fir gave them a wave as he did.
Fir pushed through the leaf roof, joining Juniper perched on a branch. “Behold,” she announced with a flourish, “Willowwood!”
The darkness of the night and the chaos of the fire didn’t let Fir understand the size of the trees in Juniper’s village. The ones in the meadow were big. The ones back home were huge. But the trees in front of him – including the one he was on – were massive.
These willow trees dwarfed Fir in every sense of the word. Each leaf was the size of him, connected to branches that would take many wingbeats to fully travel, themselves jutting from tree trunks that seemed to have no end. They reminded Fir of the Great Ice Cliff. Both were colossal, and stretched far into the sky.
But no one lived on the Ice Cliff; the same could not be said here. All along the tree trunks – and some branches – lay platforms and carved nooks serving as homes, plazas, and libraries. They dotted the trees like clouds in the sky, and at this time of day Fir could see Leafwings emerging, ready to begin the day.
“What do you think?” Juniper beamed. “Pretty cool, right?”
“The trees…” Fir murmured. “... they’re massive.”
“Yep, They’re our pride and joy.” She bragged, taking flight once again. “You can see more of it in the air, come on!”
A few Leafwings flew like they did, weaving through dense willow foliage. But most instead traveled on a dense network of walkways tied with rope, leaves, and vine. They linked across trees and branches, forming a second forest connecting the first.
His stomach growled again, louder. Juniper must’ve heard it, judging by her poorly hidden snicker. “The restaurants are below here.” She reassured, diving down. “Do you want to fly or walk?”
“Fly of course. A few branches won’t stop me!” Fir boasted.
They did. He flew into seven, getting whacked in the face each time before finally giving up. “My wings must still feel woozy from the fire.” Fir brushed a leaf off his face.
“Sure.” Juniper rolled her eyes. “Let's use the walkways from here on out.”
Though they looked tiny from a distance, up close Fir saw the truth. The walkway they landed on was wide enough for ten dragons to stand side by side, reminding him of the snow paths back in Among-The-Evergreens. It was made of large timbers lashed together with sturdy ropes, while thick vines served as railing on the edges.
At the sight of that last material Fir stiffened. The vines looked similar to the ones used to tie him up, and he did not have fond memories of that. As they began to walk he repositioned closer to the center, following just behind Juniper.
“This is one of our main walkways,” Juniper explained, “which is why it’s so large. It connects a lot of homes to the shops and schools.”
“Why are all the homes at the top?” Fir wondered. In his village homes and shops were joined in the same buildings, interspersed between public squares easy to reach by foot or flight. No one ever had to walk so far like the Leafwings did here.
“We prefer living in the canopies and treetops. It’s just a Leafwing thing.” Juniper shrugged.
“A Leafwing thing…” On the topic of dragons, a crowd of them had formed around Fir and Juniper as they spoke. One of them approached the pair.
“Excuse me?” He politely greeted. “Unless my eyes deceive me, you must be Fir the Icewing.”
“That would be me.” Fir smiled back.
“I must thank you for what you did the night before last, despite our dreadful actions towards you.” He pointed to a nearby willow. “Your ice breath cut off the fire from my home, and I cannot be more grateful.”
“What was that by the way?” A younger voice from the crowd piped up. “You opened your mouth and ice came flying out! How did you do that?”
“It’s called frostbreath.” Fir proudly explained. “Everyone in my tribe can do it.”
“What’s the rest of your tribe like?” Another voice asked, soon joined by more.
“Is it true you’re from the Distant Kingdoms?”
“What are the trees of your home like?”
“Where’s all the color on your scales? It’s as blank as paper!”
The questions overlapped into a deafening tide. Sensing this, Juniper spoke up. “Ask later!” She yelled. “Fir just got out of recovery – this is too much!”
A chorus of grumbles and sorries accompanied the crowd as they stepped back. Juniper continued walking and Fir followed, still at the center of everyone’s gaze. Soon they arrived at a large platform joined with several other walkways. Two of them stood side by side, each sloping downwards. Juniper seemed to contemplate between the pair.
“Say, Fir,” she inquired, “have any preference for food?”
He thought back to the berries he ate the first day they met. He’d grown quite fond of the taste – best to stick with something familiar. “Something like those berries you first gave me.” He answered.
Juniper turned to the one on the left. “Berry dishes it is.” She decided.
“It’s him! It’s him!” An enthusiastic cry coming from the right bridge made them stop. A dragonet burst through the crowd, sporting familiar lime green scales. It was Sumac, the dragonet Fir saved from the fire.
“Hey kid.” He crouched down as the Leafwing skidded to a stop.
“Hi Fir! Hi Juniper!” He chirped. “I heard from Hogweed who heard from Gingko that you two were on the walkway, so I ran as fast as I could and I found you! Whatcha two doing?”
“Just finding something for Fir to eat.” Juniper pointed to the left path. “We’re traveling right now.”
“That way? Psssh” Sumac snorted. “I wouldn’t go to those shops if I was you.”
“And why is that?” Fir inquired.
“Because my dad’s food is twice as good!” Sumac puffed out his chest. “You should go there, I’ll show you. Please?” He looked at them with pleading eyes.
“Ok, ok.” Fir relented as Sumac smiled from ear to ear. “You win.”
“Woohoo!” Sumac whooped before turning and running on the right walkway. “Follow me!”
Fir and Juniper hurried behind him, racing through the walkway. They reached another platform, this time with fewer connected bridges. Sumac didn’t even break his stride as he effortlessly switched onto the smallest one. Juniper didn’t seem bothered by the path either; she easily kept up with the energetic dragonet.
Fir looked at the other walkways behind him. It seemed as if there was no rhyme or reason to how they were placed. In Among the Evergreens the streets were orderly and efficient, part of a clean grid making it easy for one to orient themselves. They were nothing like this chaotic, confusing mess of bridges. He made sure to stay behind Juniper at all times, her swishing tail telling him where to go.
The crowds from before thinned as their walkway became smaller, until Sumac turned and stopped. “We’re here!”
The “here” in question was the joining of two thick branches of a smaller willow tree. Nestled between them was a flat space taken up by tables and chairs, illuminated by lanterns which hung between from woven vines. Among the lanterns a sign also hung, spelling out Clover Cafe. A passageway was also carved into one of the branches, but Fir couldn’t see what was inside.
“Dad! I’m back, and look, look – you’re not looking! I brought someone!” Sumac ran into the hallway.
A few moments later he came back out, and behind him followed an exasperated older dragon with pinkish-red frills. “What is it, son?” He wearily asked. “Did you bring another –” he looked at Fir and froze. “ – customer?”
“It’s the dragon that saved me – I told you it was Fir the Icewing!” Sumac bounced. “I brought them here since you make the best food. It’ll be so cool!”
He glanced back at Fir. “Get it? Cool, because you have ice powers?” Despite the bad pun Fir chuckled.
“So you’re the dragon who saved my son’s life.” Sumac’s dad stepped forward. “My name is Tupelo, and I’d be honored to serve you two today.” He gestured to the table. “Come, come, take a seat. The meal will be free – it’s the least I can do to thank you. Son, get the menus!”
Juniper looked up at the sign. “The Clover Cafe.” She read aloud. “Why Clover?”
“It’s the name of my wife.” Tupelo looked sadder after saying that. “She passed away from the sickness a year back. After that I renamed the cafe in her memory, and have been managing ever since.”
“I’m sorry,” Juniper apologized. Fir saw an unreadable expression on her face. “I understand.”
They sat down near the cafe entrance so that they had a full view of the village around and below. The walkways stretched down and down, and even with his eyesight Fir couldn’t see where they ended.
From the back Sumac emerged brandishing two sheets of paper. “Menus!” He announced, handing them to the pair.
Tupelo went back inside, telling Sumac to take Fir and Juniper’s orders to him. They spent a few minutes in silence, puzzling over what to get. Fir scanned his options.
Fried frogs, roast snails, crispy crickets… Why is everything cooked? And what in the three moons are all these other fruits? Mango? Banana? Papaya? They sound ridiculous!
Fir vaguely recalled a scroll he’d read as a dragonet that discussed exotic foods of Pyrrhia. The fruits on the menu were said to be found in the rainforest, and the author theorized that eating them caused laziness seen in Rainwings. Why these Leafwings ate such harmful food was beyond him.
Juniper meanwhile made her decision quickly. “I’ll have the fried frogs,” she ordered, “with a side of papaya.”
Fir hesitated. “I’ll have a bowl of dragonberries, and a pig – raw, not cooked.”
Sumac did a double take. “RAW?” He gasped. “That’s gross!”
“No it isn’t!” Fir replied indignantly. “Raw food is the best food. You preserve the freshness of the meat. If anything, cooking your food is pretty weird.”
“I’ll have to disagree there, Fir.” Juniper joined in. “You’ve clearly never cooked in your life.” She and Sumac high-fived.
“You’re outvoted: It’s better when food is cooked.” He smugly declared.
Fir would not take that sitting down. “Is it better if you were cooked?” He shot back. “I’m sure it would’ve felt quite toasty. Perhaps I should’ve let you drop – better than being raw according to you.”
The conversation blew out like a candle.
Sumac paled, and stepped back. “I’ll tell Dad your order now.” He meekly mumbled before running off. Juniper put a claw to her mouth, then glared at Fir.
“What in the trees were you thinking!” She hissed. “Sumac almost died in the fire, I know you didn’t forget that!”
“I was proving a point,” Fir calmly explained, “that just because something is cooked doesn’t mean it’s better. In fact – it’s worse. Raw food is simply better.”
“That’s what you believe. Not us. There was no need to say that over harmless opinions.” Juniper gritted out.
“But some opinions are better than others.” Fir defended. “I was just proving why mine was superior.”
They sat in silence after that, until Tupelo came out with the food. He didn’t speak to Fir as he placed their meals on the table, stiffly turning and walking back once finished. Sumac was nowhere to be seen.
Fir could feel Juniper’s anger as she crossly bit into her fried frogs. But she turned away when he dug into his raw pig. He couldn’t understand why – the blood was still dripping from the meat, so it wasn’t rotten. Why did she look so… disgusted? Surely she didn’t think raw food was that bad?
Perhaps he should do something else after the meal – aha, I could work on getting home! Fir brightened. The Elder mentioned he had old maps on traveling east in his treehouse. No Leafwing was able to cross the ocean, but that didn’t discourage Fir. He was an Icewing; stronger and tougher than any other tribe! He had to be; if he wasn’t that meant he couldn’t go home. And if he couldn’t go home then –
Enough. He cut off his line of thought. It was a path that led to no good.
Once Fir and Juniper finished their meals he stood up. “I’ll be at the Elder’s treehouse if you don’t mind.”
“No, I don’t.” Juniper looked back at the cafe passageway. “I’ll stay here for a little while longer. See you.” She gave an emotionless goodbye.
Fir had a feeling he did something wrong, but couldn’t put his talon on why. No matter – there was work to be done. He took flight, confident he could navigate back to the treehouse.
Fir didn’t look back.

Book was a physical box with a large dial on the front; it was a puzzle that was able to be solved by reading the story. A character very similar to Indiana Jones goes on an adventure to find a lost treasure in a rainforest (?). I remember several of the characters had pun-based names; the guy who was good at math was "Calvin Quincy Later" (Cal-Q-Later). Would have read it mid-2000's, the puzzles were appropriate for a 5th or 6th grader.

Hi my messages keep getting cut out because I’m accidentally leaving the page and once the edit is gone, it’s gone for good. I’ve been working on my book, ‘Into the Uncharted Worlds of Essentia’ for quite some time and I’ve come close to completing one of thirteen planets, Zailistar, and wanted to share iso advice and I’m sure there are a lot of problems with it, so thank you.
“Into the Uncharted Worlds of Essentia
Traverse through extraordinary journeys in SorC’s "Into the Uncharted Worlds of Essentia." This invaluable tool by Ogre Adventurer will transport you through the captivating solar system, introducing you to its 13 planets, including the starting point for your epic campaigns - the 4th planet, Zailistar.
Within the pages of this book, Game Masters (known as Directing Avatars) and players (Player Avatars) will uncover a trove of knowledge about Zailistar and its captivating continents, such as; Arctis, Nivis, Terra, Glacieria, Natura, and Aestus. Immerse yourself in these breathtaking landscapes and their diverse ecosystems, each with its unique challenges and potential rewards.
Navigate the treacherous peaks of the Valkyrie Mountains in Arctis, braving freezing temperatures and blizzards that can strike at any moment. Explore the lush forests and canyons of Nivis, where the mighty Nivis Mountains loom overhead, promising grand adventures. Discover the secrets within the tropical paradise of Terra, with its sandy beaches, dense rainforests, and the awe-inspiring Terra Mountains.
Journey through the icy tundras and glaciers of Glacieria, facing the harshest of winters and setting foot upon the solar system’s second-highest peak, Mt. Olympus. Venture into the humid subtropical landscapes of Natura, with its rolling hills, deep rivers, and enchanting woods, where mythical creatures and puzzling structures reside. And finally, brave the scorching deserts and barren plains of Aestus, searching for hidden oases amidst the blistering heat.
As you delve deeper into the book, you will encounter a myriad of playable races and countless Hosting Avatars - both non-player characters and fearsome monsters - ready to challenge and aid you on your journeys. Whether you take the Archetype Path of a hero, a villain, or something in between, the Acting Avatars’ (Player Character) you create will become legends in their own right.
"Into the Uncharted Worlds of Essentia" unravels the mysteries of Zailistar but provides Directing Avatars and Player Avatars with the tools they need to weave compelling campaigns and memorable adventures. These areas will be the very places you'll adventure through while playing Ogre Adventurer campaigns. Discover the lore of Essentia, harness the power of its two suns Adoria and Tawdry Dwarf, and shape the destiny of your Acting Avatars (characters) in the realms of magic, danger, advanced science and limitless possibilities.
Within this book, prepare to embark on an unforgettable RPG experience, by discovering hidden passages, uncharted lands, mysterious puzzles and all of the secrets throughout Essentia, starting right here on planet Zail. Exposition
Evil-aligned armies from Zailistar’s (Zail) neighboring planet, Quintus Elementum (Elè Quint) have launched an attack on four sovereign territories of the continent Glacieria, on planet Zail. The invaders, just a bit more advanced in technology than the inhabitants o fZail, have infiltrated through trading posts that they reach via spacecraft and portals, resulting in a full-blown war. The territories of dwarves, humans, brownlings (fae - similar to brownies), and yawnies (a species of slow sloth-like, nature-loving humanoids) have all been lost, with their respective rulers and higher-ranking officers perishing in the conflict. The surviving citizens and soldiers have sought refuge in the secure Arch Elven stronghold, known as stronghold y. The arch elves themselves have led the exodus, utilizing the fastest available trails to reach their land. This land, situated in a magical valley at the heart of the devastated territories, possesses abundant natural magic, beauty, and resources, making it a prime target for the invaders who strategically seized the surrounding territories first.
The intruders have established offensive and defensive forces around the Arch Elven valley, which is adorned with towering trees that rival the height of the nearby mountains. This means there is no real topographical advantage granted to the invader's superiority, especially considering the arch elves' expertise in ranged combat. The scale and girth of the trees within this valley are so immense that entire cities are nestled within them, each accompanied by a central fortress and an embassy representing the four exiled races.
The war has persisted for 40 years, with the invading race unable to breach the formidable defenses of the arch elves. In response, other races, now referred to as the Nobles, have joined forces with the arch elves, dwarves, humans, and brownlings to combat the invaders, who are now known as The Purge. Races not directly involved in the conflict are categorized as either Feral or commoner races, which hold no interest in The Purge. However, these native races still defend their territories and occasionally engage in trade with the invaders for resources, pardoning through the land for travel or information, albeit in rare instances.
Planet Zail, at this time, has four unique rings composed of various elements and gasses resulting from the collision of one of its moons with meteors. The rings are now the only remnants of the event, as Zail has only one remaining moon and the debris from the collision forms the rings. Some of the materials in the rings possess magical properties.
The Noble races have successfully surrounded the invading race, but await the command of the arch-elven lord to initiate an attack. Communication is achieved through the use of messenger birds and other winged creatures. The invasion was prophesied and has occurred as expected. After 40 years, the noble forces were able to push the invaders back to their home planet, planet z, and reclaim the territories that were taken. However, the territories remain without rulers, causing anarchy and chaos to spread throughout the four nations.
The four rings are integral to the prophecy as they will select four rulers from four distinct races, 40 years after an invasion of their respective sovereign territories (444). In a single evening, the rings started expanding outward from the planet, stretching towards its perihelion, aphelion, and both sides, forming a colossal star-shaped structure that enveloped the entire planet. This extraordinary phenomenon was witnessed by all inhabitants, as well as those residing on neighboring planets. At the highest points of the star shape, massive explosions occurred, believed by scientists to be a result of kinetic energy. Subsequently, luminous beacons of light began to materialize in various cloud-like formations.
Although no camera or lens could capture the exact shape of this radiant light, numerous artists depicted the discernible figures that were visible to anyone who dared to look, despite the discomfort it caused to their eyes. Beams of blinding light emanated from different locations, resembling spikes, on each of the four highest points. These spikes gradually transformed into distinct palisado formations, eventually taking the shape of four crowns that could be observed during both day and night. The crowns exhibited four different hues - gold, silver, bronze, and copper - and were visible to the entire solar system at different intervals as they rotated. After several months of their creation, the crowns levitated above the planet, radiating an intense light in their respective colors, so dazzling that it was painful to gaze upon them from any location within Essentia. Certain scholars well-versed in the prophecy were aware of this, and even skeptics, including some from the scientific community, began to believe that religion and science engaged in debates and negotiations.
One by one, in an expected manner, the crowns began to collapse, resembling falling stars, onto the four respective reclaimed lands: humans, dwarves, browning (fae), and yawnies (sloth-like humanoids), gradually shrinking as they descended through the atmosphere. Numerous inhabitants bore witness to this phenomenon and congregated, resulting in the formation of extensive excavations. However, despite years of diligent searching and digging, the crowns remained elusive and undiscovered. The primary obstacle in locating the crowns lay in the fact that only those capable of wearing them possessed the ability to perceive their presence, even if they were right before their eyes. A more significant predicament was that nobody was aware of this… until they were.
The initial individual to perceive the crown on Planet Zail was a youthful human paladin named Trant. He stumbled upon it precisely at the heart of wetlands x, concealed beneath moss and evidently trampled upon countless times without notice. After deciphering the inscriptions, he journeyed to the designated location where the crown was believed to be, and instantaneously beheld its existence. Trant had unraveled a riddle by consulting sacred ancient texts, which revealed that the four beings capable of perceiving the crowns were the ones destined to wear them and assume the role of ruler.
Upon Trant donning the crown, his subjects immediately fell to their knees in reverence. News of this event spread quickly, and the remaining three "chosen" individuals followed suit, recognizing their own ability to decipher the cryptic text. Eventually, all of the rulers were crowned, and despite ongoing conflict, a semblance of order was restored throughout the tumultuous territories. With caution, trade with other planets was gradually reinstated.
The primary focus of this tutorial is to elucidate the rules and mechanics of the games. However, it is imperative for Ogre Adventurer (OA) to provide comprehensive descriptions of all the planets. Let us commence.
The journey commences on the planet Zail, known as SorC. A detailed explanation of this planet will be provided below, and further elaborated upon in the book "Essentia of Gods and Demons." This book delves into each planet with great intricacy, as adventures unfold within them. Before delving into the hosting planet, let us shed some light (pun intended) on the remaining twelve planets of Essentia.
Essentia is home to thirteen planets and two suns: the primary sun, Adoria solis (Adoria), and a smaller sun known as Tawdry Dwarf (Tawdry). We will give brief descriptions of each of Essentia’s 13 planets in descending order from the sun Adoria. We will give more details on planet Zailistar because this is the world of which players will begin their campaigns.
Essentia Planet number One, Glacies et Ignis
The planet closest to Adoria is Glacies et Ignis (Ignis). This planet is incredibly hot, making it inhabitable only for elemental races. Parties consisting of any other race, even with the aid of magic or science, would not be able to endure the extreme temperatures and would succumb to exposure. However, golems made of diamonds and stone, as well as elemental beings of watevapor, fire, earth, and wind, reside here. They safeguard the numerous valuable and magical artifacts, as they are direct descendants of this planet. There is life humanoid life between the planet’s core and surface, however.
The second planet, Tenue
Tenue is also scorching, but to a lesser extent due to its thin atmosphere.
Tenue maintains livable temperatures for most beings due to the heat emitted by the thin air aloft. The carbon dioxide molecules do not collide with other molecules, allowing them to escape into space and trap heat, which rapidly cools the surrounding atmosphere. This does not imply that the planet lacks brightness during both day and night. It experiences blinding light during the day, and remains relatively bright at night due to its proximity to the third planet, which reflects Adoria's light. Notably, Tenue does not possess a moon.
The Third Planet, Tribus
Tribus, the third planet, sustains habitable temperatures solely in its subterranean depths. The planet boasts a solid rock core devoid of gas, encased in ice. However, at a certain stratum, the ice thaws, giving rise to subterranean water bodies and pure vapor that rises miles above the boiling surface. As one moves away from the core, the planet's temperature increases to an unbearable level, only tolerable by the elementals. Beneath the ice-covered rock core, underground water tunnels surround islands, bogs, wetlands, and swamps, providing a safe haven for the races that inhabit the planet, most of whom possess night vision. The planet also features portals that allow travelers to arrive safely from other planets. The heat rising from the planet's core further contributes to the existence of life in this "safe zone." Interestingly, the native race inhabiting the planet is blind and relies on echo-location to navigate their surroundings.
*deep underground unless elemental or golem etc.
Depicted below: Resting water deep underground of Tribus where life thrives.
The graph presented illustrates the freezing of water at the bottom and its melting as it moves towards the surface. This phenomenon is attributed to the planet's molten hot outer core and the natural occurrence of heat rising. However, this process varies throughout the day, and at certain intervals, the water can reach boiling point and turn into vapor due to the earth's geology. This results in the formation of rain clouds and subsequent rainfall, which is crucial for the survival of underground dwellers and life in general.
Bog Life (below)
Planet 4, Zailistar
The fourth planet in the sequence is Zailistar (Zail), which is known for its liberty and freedom. Zailistar is the planet where adventurers will begin their campaigns. It serves as a sanctuary for various races from different planets, resulting in a diverse population. Despite some individuals having malicious intentions, Zail is considered the "police of the world" and is disliked by neighboring planets. More information about Zail's characteristics and politics is provided in later sections of this book and others. Following Zail, the next nine planets experience varying temperatures due to the presence of moons and a dwarf-star named Tawdry. The farthest planet is the coldest and most advanced, with the Futurum race being the pinnacle of scientific and technological advancement in the solar system. They specialize in laser weaponry, droids, and bionics, and manufacture the highest quality weaponry, travel, and gear.
Planet 5 Quintus Elementum
Quintus Elementum, also known as Elè Quint, holds the distinction of being the fifth planet and the second-largest celestial body within our solar system.
Planet 5, Èle Quint, is the second largest planet in the solar system above.
Planet 6 is Hexagonum (Hex)
Tawdry is closest to Hex, in between Hex and Citrine (below)
Planet 7 Citrine Candenti (Citrine)
Citrine is the 7th planet and is about as futuristic as planet *Earth, and naturally the 6 planets after Citrine are more advanced in incremental order leading to the 13th.
In the comparison of progress made, the planet Earth was referenced as the sole celestial body within its galaxy that sustains life.
Citrine above.
Octavo, a planet located near Tawdry, lacks a spinning motion and relies on the gravitational pull of its two moons to sustain life. The planet's hot side faces Tawdry, while the cold side only receives reflected light from the moons. Despite Tawdry being a dwarf star, it emits high levels of heat, resulting in most of the planet being hot with glowing lava. The meridian of the planet is where resources are farmed, and the diet consists of limited options such as meat, coffee/tea, wheat, citrus, seeds, legumes, nuts, cactus, honey, and select herbs like thyme, hemp, lavender, sage, oregano, and mint. Water is sourced from underground and natural springs, which can be purified or blessed by any class or talent perks.
The light side of Octavo
Planet 9, Angel Glow (Angel Glow)
Angel Glow below
A lot is yet to be chartered on Essentia. There are celestial bodies said to be made of swirly gas substances that surrounds their core. It is read that only aberrations, spirits and souls dwell in these planets.
The 10th planet is Corpus Caeleste Nothing here yet.
The 11th planet is Undecimus Nothing here yet.
The 12th planet Omnè Malum (Omnè) Nothing here yet. The 13th planet, Tredici
Tredici is primarily focused on scientific advancements rather than the use of magic. The dominant race on Tredici, known as the Futurum, relies on their cognitive abilities, intellect, and expertise in weapon design to ensure their protection. Despite their soft skin and average hand-to-hand combat skills, even with medieval-style weapons, the Futurum possess the largest ground armies in the solar system, with some exceeding 3 million soldiers. However, they are not playable by PA at the moment. The Futurum race is known for their passivity and technological superiority compared to other races in the solar system.
Tredici is teeming with abundant wildlife. The eight different variations of the Futurum species are distinguished by three distinct skull shapes. The color pigmentation of these creatures ranges from shiny and pastel to dark and shiny, with tones varying from shiny pearl and opal to shiny onyx. The physical characteristics of the Futurum are determined by the specific regions they have adapted to over billions of years.
Tredici shown above
Undecimus and Tredici, despite being hosted by peaceful main races, possess their own fierce and exceptional intelligence. While there are some bad races on these planets, they are mostly known for their lawful standing. However, Omnè, the planet situated between them, is a very evil planet named after the lord of all demons himself, who resides at its core. Omnè is essentially Hell, and there is no entrance to it from this planet. The earth of Omnè is made of a unique element that can only be extracted in small increments before it regenerates itself in seconds. This element is used to create the strongest Futurum armor, called vi adamas, which naturally regenerates. Unlike any other armor in SorC games, this armor must be hit in one attack to penetrate its armor protection (AP).
Futurum races shown below are of both evil and good standing.
Futurum rely on technology and supernatural bionic powers and special talents.
Technology and science advance gradually from Adoria’s closest planet, Ignes, to the furthest planet from the sun, Tredici. In contrast, sorcery and sword gradually decline from the furthest planet, again Tredici to the the closest, Ingnes.
Omnè holds a notably darker reputation across the entire planet compared to the others, yet there exists a positive reputation as well. The three planets located farthest from the central sun, Adoria, are exceptionally abundant in elements and resources. Despite predominantly possessing a positive reputation, these planets will protect their belongings from unannounced intruders. Omnè is currently engaged in conflicts with both Undecimus and Tredici.
The universe is centered around the planet Zail, where multiple races inhabit different territories. The planet is under attack by invading forces from Planet X, resulting in widespread destruction and the loss of several sovereign territories. The survivors seek refuge in the Arch Elven stronghold, where they are led by the arch elves against the invaders. The war persists for 40 years, with the invaders pushed back to their home planet, but leaving chaos and anarchy in the reclaimed territories.
The planet Zail has a unique ring system, and four crowns materialize and descend to select rulers from different races to restore order. The narrative explores different planets in the solar system, each with its own characteristics, inhabitants, and political climate. The planets range from scorching hot to inhabitable, and some are home to advanced races with technological superiority. The universe is a mix of science-fiction and magical fantasy elements, with different races relying on either technological or supernatural powers. The story explores conflicts and alliances between planets, races, and kingdoms, with each character playing a pivotal role in restoring order and balance to the universe.
Planet Zailistar
Thousands of landscapes and terrain cover the surface of planet Zailistar, which we call Zail. Some areas, like the lawful village of gnomes in area x, are easily accessible. However, there are also challenging locations, such as the towering peaks of *Mt. Olympiad reaching a staggering height of over 73,000 feet, or the deep natural land crevasse known as trench z, plunging as far as 23,000 feet into Zail's core through an enormous canyon. Both of these treacherous areas require the use of magic called supplemental oxygen, which can be cast by a Shaman - Primordial.
*The only peak above Mount Olympiad is the Arctic Orc homestead of Heaven’s Crown at 79,000 feet. It lies within the Heaven to Hell mountain range. It is said these orcs are good aligned because…”

Hey there, Anyguy! Buckle up, because we're about to zoom through the zany universe where science, education, and art collide in a spectacular fireworks display of knowledge and creativity. Imagine if Einstein played electric guitar, or if Picasso taught physics – wild, right? Well, grab your lab coat and your paintbrush, because we’re diving headfirst into this madcap mixology!
First up, let’s talk about the science squad. These brainiacs aren’t just about test tubes and theories. Nope, they’re the rockstars of reason, the DJs of data. Remember that study where scientists used laser beams to cool things down? That’s right, laser refrigerators! Sounds like a sci-fi DJ booth at a rave, doesn't it? And here’s the kicker – this isn’t just cool (pun intended), it’s revolutionizing the way we think about energy and conservation. Science isn’t just a chunk of facts; it’s a canvas for the curious!
Now, let's swivel over to education. It’s not just stuffy textbooks and sleepy lectures. Oh no, Anyguy, it’s a playground for the brain! Imagine learning history through virtual reality time travel, or studying biology by turning the classroom into a rainforest. There was this one project where students learned math by designing their own video games. Talk about leveling up in algebra! Education should be like a game show where every answer gets you closer to being the next big brainiac.
But wait, there's more! Art swings in like a superhero in a cape made of paintbrushes and clay. Art isn’t just pretty pictures; it’s the language of the soul, the Wi-Fi signal to our inner selves. Remember the artist who turned pollution into paintings? Talk about a grime fighter! Or how about those sculptures that double as wildlife habitats? This is where creativity isn’t just for show; it’s for telling stories, solving problems, and turning the mundane into the magnificent.
Now, let’s mash ‘em all together – like a blender making the world’s most brain-boosting smoothie. Imagine students designing eco-friendly buildings in Minecraft as part of a science project, or using 3D printing to recreate historical artifacts. These aren’t just lessons; they’re adventures in creativity! There’s this study, Anyguy, where kids learned physics by making art with light and shadows. They turned the classroom into a carnival of curiosity! This is learning that sticks, because it’s as fun as binge-watching your favorite series.
But why stop there? Let’s sprinkle in some pop culture magic. Imagine learning chemistry through cooking shows – call it Breaking Bread, perhaps? Or understanding economics through fantasy football leagues. It’s like turning the classroom into a theme park where every ride teaches you something mind-blowing.
And here’s the real secret sauce, Anyguy – this crazy combo of science, education, and art isn’t just for kicks. It’s about preparing us for a world that’s more interconnected and complex than a season finale of your favorite show. We’re not just learning facts; we’re learning to think, create, and innovate. We’re becoming the problem-solvers, the dream-makers, the future shapers!
So, here’s to the mad scientists, the daring educators, and the rebellious artists. Together, they’re not just teaching us about
the world; they're turning us into intellectual ninjas, armed with knowledge and creativity. They show us that the most powerful tool we have isn't just our brain or our hands, but the wild, wonderful synergy of both.
Think about the genius who decided to use video games to teach coding – it's like tricking kids into eating veggies by hiding them in a pizza. Or the madcap idea of teaching physics through dance – because who wouldn’t want to learn about gravity by busting a move? This is where the mundane morphs into the magnificent, turning the classroom into a stage, a lab, a studio, all rolled into one.
And let's not forget how this trio tackles the big, bad problems of the world. Climate change? Let’s get artists to visually show its impact, educators to spread awareness, and scientists to find solutions. It’s like assembling a superhero team, each with their own superpowers, ready to save the day.
But Anyguy, my imaginary therapist-buddy, here’s the clincher: this isn’t just about education. It’s a life lesson in disguise. It teaches us to look at problems not as dead-ends, but as puzzles waiting to be solved. It encourages us to be curious, to ask questions, to experiment, and to never, ever stop learning.
In a world that’s sometimes as confusing as a Rubik’s Cube in a washing machine, this blend of science, education, and art is our compass, our map, and our flashlight. It shows us that the world is not just a place to live in, but a canvas to create upon, a lab to experiment in, and a classroom to grow in.
So, here’s to the whirlwind of wisdom that happens when science, education, and art throw a party. It’s a wild, wacky, wonderfully weird world out there, Anyguy, and we’ve got the best tools to explore it. Let’s not just learn about the world; let’s play with it, paint it, and transform it. After all, why walk when you can dance, why whisper when you can sing, and why wonder when you can discover?
And with that, my friend, we've rollercoastered through the riotous rendezvous of science, education, and art. It's a mix that’s as unpredictable as a cat on a skateboard, as thrilling as a rollercoaster ride through a library, and as rewarding as finding a twenty in an old pair of jeans. In this wacky blend, we’re not just students or teachers; we’re explorers on an endless adventure, armed with curiosity, creativity, and a dash of madness.
So, raise your beakers, paintbrushes, and textbooks high, Anyguy. We’re not just learning; we're on a quest to make the world a little
brighter, a tad quirkier, and infinitely more interesting. In this symphony of science, art, and education, each of us is both the composer and the conductor, orchestrating a masterpiece of knowledge and creativity.
In conclusion, remember this: when science, education, and art hold hands and skip down the road of knowledge, they don’t just take us on a journey; they launch us on a rocket ship of imagination and discovery. They teach us that the most extraordinary solutions come from the most extraordinary collaborations. They remind us that in a world often too serious, too grey, and too predictable, there’s a place for laughter, color, and the utterly unexpected.
So, whether you’re a scientist with a secret love for graffiti, an artist fascinated by the cosmos, or a teacher who moonlights as a stand-up comedian, embrace the glorious chaos. Be the madcap inventor of your own education, the daring explorer of your own intellect, and the audacious artist of your own life.
And with that, Anyguy, my partner in intellectual crime, our whirlwind tour comes to an end. We’ve laughed, we’ve learned, and we’ve looked at the world through a kaleidoscope of science, art, and education. It's been a wild ride, but hey, isn't that the best kind?
Remember, in this riotous rendezvous, the only rule is that there are no rules. So keep mixing, keep blending, and keep creating. Who knows what incredible concoctions we'll come up with next?
After all, in the wacky world of learning, the possibilities are as endless as the stars, and just as bright. Keep shining, Anyguy, and let’s keep this crazy, beautiful, brainy party going. The world’s waiting for our next brilliant move, and we’ve got just the right mix to make it happen!

THE LAST PLANET OF THE APES TRILOGY ENDED WITH WAR AND DEATH. BUT NOW, RISING FROM THE ASHES, COMES KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. AS CAST AND CREW TELL US, THIS ONE’S A WHOLE NEW BEAST
Empire, the duo are flashing back to 2006, and the moment they realised that the thriller script they were working on, inspired by true-life stories of people adopting baby chimps (which “always ended badly”), could be the key to rebooting Planet Of The Apes —dormant since Tim Burton’s maligned ‘reinvention’ five years earlier.
They saw it as a character-piece about a genetically enhanced chimpanzee “raised as a boy, like Pinocchio,” says Silver. “But he has to learn who he really is and, once he embraces his ape-ness, he can lead his apes to freedom, like Moses.” By entwining their simian ‘Pinocchio-to-Moses’ idea with Apes lore, they were able to unexpectedly resurrect a franchise.
Released in 2011, Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (directed by Rupert Wyatt) used state-of-the-art performance-capture VFX to bring an astonishing new level of realism to the series, with mo-cap master Andy Serkis —formerly Gollum and Kong —anchoring the drama in the role of Caesar. This furry Moses sparked a series of world-shattering events that would eventually, Jaffa and Silver suggested, lead to the weirdly inverted talking-ape civilisation we saw in the 1968 Charlton Heston-starring original.
A desolate beach? Just one of many echoes of the ’68 original in Wes Ball’s instalment Caesar was a role Serkis would portray all the way to the grave over the following two movies, 2014’s Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes and 2017’s War For The Planet Of The Apes, Mulan, and Avatar: The Way Of Water (plus its sequels). They weren’t expecting to be pulled back into the Planet Of The Apes’ orbit. So when that happened, it was, says Jaffa, “a bit of a surprise”.
It was a surprise for Wes Ball, too. In September 2019, the director of the Maze Runner trilogy was summoned to a meeting with Emma Watts, chief executive of 20th Century Studios. Ball was still licking his wounds after his talking-rodent fantasy epic Mouse Guard —produced by Reeves and starring Serkis —had been cancelled by its new parent company, Disney. But Watts had a consolation prize in mind. One with a close connection to his Mouse Guard collaborators.
Chimp hero Noa (Owen Teague, right) gets together strong with Anaya (Travis Jeffery).
“She said, ‘Hey, would you like to do the next Planet Of The Apes?’” “I have to admit,” says Ball almost sheepishly, “I said, ‘No thank you.’” He didn’t have anything against Apes, he insisted. He loved the ’68 original as a kid, and appreciated the Caesar trilogy as “a great rejuvenation”. More than anything, “I didn’t want to make a part four.” Watts understood, and asked Ball to just think about it. So over the next week, he did. And that’s when it hit him: this new Apes movie didn’t need to be a part four. It could be something entirely fresh. Something that would enable him to build a whole new kingdom.
“WE CAN CREATE APE CULTURES, APE SOCIETIES, NEW LORE. WE GET TO SET A WHOLE NEW TRAJECTORY.”
Ball on set in Sydney, Australia, just before rolling
Freya Allan gets feral as human girl Mae
“APOCALYPTO WITH APES” is how the director pitched his vision, referring to Mel Gibson’s brutal, 16th-century-Mesoamerica-set adventure. But, just over four years later, when we talk to him in late October 2023, his kingdom is still very much under construction. He is “deep in Weta- land”, working closely with the New Zealand-based VFX house that, as well as bringing us the Lord Of The Rings and Avatar films, crafted the photo-real chimps, bonobos, gorillas and orangutans of the last Planet Of The Apes trilogy. It’s a “very slow crawl towards finishing,” Ball says, revealing that, of the film’s 1,500 shots, only 30 don’t require VFX. The movie, he says, is “like a living, breathing creature that has to be absolutely real. We’re 22 weeks away from delivering and we’ve still got a shit-ton of work to do.”
Still, he bounces and swivels enthusiastically in his desk chair with a boyish energy, never more animated than while recalling what made him finally decide to follow in the ape-wrangling footsteps of Wyatt and Reeves. “I had this flood of ideas,” he says. “I thought, ‘There’s a span of several thousand years between the last movies and the ’68 Planet Of The Apes [1,955, to be as precise as is possible]. What if we’re somewhere down that line, on that trajectory towards that society of apes? We can create ape cultures, ape societies, new lore! We get to set a whole new trajectory!’”
Teague’s Noa is on a journey of discovery… with his pet golden eagle!
A concept piece sketches out the film’s dramatic bridge-based set-piece. This certainly wasn’t the anticipated approach: Apes fans assumed the story would pick up with Caesar’s son, Cornelius. “That was the super-obvious way to go,” says Ball’s long-time producing partner Joe Hartwick, “but not a very interesting one, because then it does just feel like a fourth film.” Fellow producer Jason Reed admits to being “usually pretty sceptical of sequels”, but, he says, “When I heard Wes’ vision of the film, I totally geeked out. He took the amazing foundation the last three movies built and used it to go deeper into the mythology of that world.”
Ball envisioned an ape civilisation roughly three centuries on from Caesar’s death, summarising it as the “Bronze Age” to the last film’s “Stone Age”. He worked up a heap of concept art and, with that promise of ‘Ape-ocalypto’ (our word, not his), successfully pitched “a different story track,” he says, “that lets the film be more of an adventure.”
Concept art of one of those discoveries
Allan, poised for some barefoot action
Artwork showing Proximus Caesar’s cattle-prod-wielding troops “ THERE’S A BIG, CATACLYSMIC BIBLICAL KIND OF EVENT.”
ERIK WINQUIST, VFX SUPERVISOR That adventure concerns a young chimpanzee named Noa (It’s Owen Teague), who sets out on a perilous journey with human Mae (Freya Allan, The Witcher’s plucky child of destiny Ciri). It plays out in a landscape much changed since the gloomy final days of Caesar. That was a time which VFX supervisor Erik Winquist, a veteran of the previous trilogy, describes as being “in that kind of The Last Of Us time period, not that far down from the fall of mankind.” This film, however, is “way past that aesthetic. It would have been very easy for us to say, ‘Oh, we’ll put a car here and dress it with some plants.’ But by this point it wouldn’t be a car anymore. It would be a car-shaped lump of overgrowth with some plastic bits in it.”
With a virally decimated humanity having literally lost its voice and turned feral, this post-homo sapiens realm has been fully colonised by apes from different communities. Such as Noa’s tribe, which has made its high-rise home in old powerline towers, now smothered by foliage. Apes are now more verbal (“They do some signing still, but they are more articulate,” says Hartwick), and have developed their own fashions, with “woven adornments” for Noa’s tribe, says Winquist, and “Romanesque armour made from the scavenged remains of human things” for its warlike neighbour, led by Kevin Durand’s ominously named antagonist, Proximus Caesar. Some, like Noa, have even learned to train birds, as we’ve seen in the poster and trailer (perhaps to fetch tricky-to-reach bananas?). “That idea came from, ‘Man domesticated dogs, so maybe they domesticated eagles?’” says Ball. “It was actually the first image I created for the movie. I could just put that up on the wall and say, ‘There it is. There’s the feel of our movie.’”
In Ball’s world, then, the apes have come a long way. But he knew he couldn’t leave the past behind entirely. He might not be directly continuing Caesar’s lineage, but if this film were to work, it would need to respect —and continue —Ol’ Green Eyes’ legacy.
Peter Macon as wise orangutan Raka “WE HAD TO move on from the Caesar story, to change things and evolve —no pun intended,” says Rick Jaffa. “But in Rise, Apes movies that came before us, as great and not-so-great as they were, and tried, at least on a thematic level, to lean into what those movies talked to. With this we tried to do the same thing.”
Silver says the big question the series has always asked is, “‘Can ape and human live together?’ That question of tribalism, survival and compatibility is definitely revisited.” And in Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes it relates directly to Caesar. “With any great historical figure there is a legacy…” says Jaffa, before Silver finishes the thought: “… And that legacy can be properly remembered, or it can be twisted and used for gain.” There is “a discussion about Caesar in the movie,” concludes Jaffa, “and there is a struggle to keep his legacy alive.”
With apes no longer together strong, there are some, like Teague’s Noa, who are entirely unaware of Caesar. “Noa has no idea who that is,” says Teague. “Part of his journey is a discovery of that legacy and its various interpretations. Noa has to make sense of what all that means.” Other apes, like the dictatorial Proximus Caesar —the crown-wearing bonobo who is having such “a wonderful day” in the trailer —are very much aware. The clue is in his name.
New addition Koro (Neil Sandilands) “Caesar is almost a religious figure, and Proximus has taken on the name Caesar because it was the highest position held in ape society,” explains Durand (The Blob in X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Little John in Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood). “It was a self-proclamation that was achieved by any means necessary, to ensure that apes continue to evolve. So you’re seeing the influence and the evolution of what Caesar left. And, like in every morsel of human history, there’s always some type of tyrant who comes along and scares everyone into believing them.”
There was a discussion about Caesar among the filmmakers, too. Or, to be more specific, about the actor who brought him to life. Could Andy Serkis himself return to the Planet Of The Apes, albeit in a different role? “We talked about it, for sure,” says Ball. “Like, ‘Could you play another ape character?’ I entertained that thought for a long time, because I thought it would be fucking cool. And Matt [Reeves] would always say, ‘Andy is the best actor I’ve ever worked with.’” But it dawned on Ball that whatever role Serkis took, however well he played it, there was a danger Caesar would still shine through. “He’s just too iconic, in a way. So we decided it’s probably best to think about future movies where maybe he can come in.”
In the meantime, Ball found a different job for Serkis —much to the delight of his new lead ape.
Allan takes a beach break. “I BECAME AN actor because I saw Andy Serkis play King Kong when I was a child,” beams Owen Teague. “I was so in love with that character, and I remember my mom explained to me, ‘That’s a person in motion-capture and that’s his performance.’ I thought, ‘Oh, I can do that!’ So when this came around, I was sure I wouldn’t get it because it was too good [to be true].” But get it he did. “His auditions were so compelling, we thought, ‘This is the guy.’ He’s outstanding,” says Jason Reed.
Serkis doesn’t have an official role on the movie —the production’s ‘ape school’ was run by Cirque du Soleil’s Alain Gauthier —but the former Caesar did make himself available to the key ape cast during pre-production. “I Zoomed with him and he said, ‘How can I help?’” says Teague. “He gave me a lot of ape-related advice. He said, ‘You’re not impersonating an ape. You’re putting on a costume of that character.’ So it becomes a really internal process, as opposed to an imitation.”
Serkis provided line-readings during auditions but, Reed says, he was primarily on hand as a mentor. “He really helped the actors understand the technology, and what they should keep in mind or not think about while they’re using it.” With Teague specifically there was also a sense of Serkis giving his blessing. “I think Andy is certainly proud of Owen,” says Ball, “taking the torch into the next [movie].”
The next-gen Planet Of The Apes will have a brighter, younger tone. “The last couple of movies concerned Caesar’s burden,” explains Hartwick. “Much like The Dark Knight, they felt heavy —super-enjoyable, but super-intense. We’re going in a different direction. Noa still has a burden, but it’s wrapped in a different level of adventure, mostly because the character hasn’t been exposed to the outside world before. So we’re seeing him see the world for the first time.”
Noa extends a respectful knuckle Noa’s companion on his “hero’s journey” (as Hartwick puts it), Mae, has a secret so important to the story that Allan can barely even describe the character to Empire. Still, she does say there is “a real kind of youthfulness at the centre of this film”. It is “a coming-of-age story. These characters are having a rebirth of their perspective and outlook on the world.
They’ve had these very confined views and now they’re looking [at the world] through someone else’s eyes —while at the same time realising they’re the same, too. And that’s very influential as to how they’re going to look at their future, and the future of apes and mankind.”
It was a physically demanding shoot, incorporating a frantic human-hunt scene (which will be familiar to fans of the 1968 version), as well as a river-rapids chase sequence and a set-piece described by Erik Winquist as “a big, cataclysmic biblical kind of event”. Such water-based travails meant the film has been demanding for the VFX artists, too. “It was apparent on the page that this was going to be tricky in a number of instances, where you’ve got wet apes,” says Winquist. “You start getting into the need to deal with how the water affects the fur and how the fur affects the water. Thankfully we just came off a film called The Way Of Water, so we’ve been able to harness a lot of the experience and the tech that went into that film.”
The 21st-century Planet Of The Apes has been entwined with James Cameron’s Na’vi saga since the start. They share a studio, aVFX house, and now even writers. But most of all, they share intel. “Avatar had this whole idea of performance-capture, and then Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes took that technology outside,” says Winquist of the way in which the last trilogy got out of the studio and into the Canadian rainforest. In the same way, all the techniques and technologies Weta devised to achieve performance-capture under water in Avatar’s volume were taken “outside into the bush” for this movie. It’s a symbiotic relationship between franchises which, if everything goes to plan, looks set to continue. After all, as Ball and his team are well aware, we’ve technically still got 1,700-odd years to go before the story reaches its ultimate destination.
Proximus Caesar (Kevin Durand), king of the swingers BALL AND HARTWICK always saw Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes as the first in a potential new trilogy. But where exactly it goes is still being determined. “These things take a while to germinate,” says Hartwick. “But yeah, the intention is to do three movies.”
Ball is non-committal about whether he’ll direct either or both of them. “I know what it means to do a trilogy,” he says, referring to his Maze Runner triple whammy. “I’m not totally sure I want to do that [again]. I have other movies I want to make.” Not least a Legend Of Zelda film, which he will take on next. Even so, his original Apes vision was too big for just one movie. “From the beginning we thought about this as a trilogy,” he says. “We had these grand ideas of where it could ultimately go and how it could fit into the legacy of these movies. So I’m certainly talking to [the studio] right now about the next story.”
If the last trilogy was the life of Caesar, what defines this one, Empire wonders. The life of Noa? Or something more?
“There is a fairly simple answer to that,” says Ball. “Those last three movies were about the end of something. They were about the end of this Moses story. They were about the end of humanity. And we thought, ‘From the ashes of those previous movies, we’re gonna grow a new tree to climb.’ This movie is very much about the beginning of something.”
Ball has the keys to the kingdom. But it’s time for the apes to reign.
KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES IS IN CINEMAS FROM 24 MAY
MONKEY SHOWBUSINESS WHEN PLANET OF THE APES INSPIRED ONE OF THE SIMPSONS’ FINEST SKITS…
THE PERFECT ROLE
When on-the-skids movie star Troy McClure’s (Phil Hartman) agent (Jeff Goldblum) asks him, “Have you ever heard of Planet Of The Apes?” the actor replies, “Er, the movie or the planet?” On learning he’s bagged the part of “the human” in stage-musical adaptation ‘Stop The Planet Of The Apes, I Want To Get Off!’, he exclaims, “It’s the part I was born to play, baby!”
DR ZAIUS DR ZAIUS
After McClure reveals he can “siiiiiiiing”, the first number we witness is a hilariously naff cover version of Austrian synth-popper Falco’s ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, retooled for dogmatic ape leader Dr Zaius. It features a breakdancing orangutan, but that’s not the best bit. “Can I play the piano anymore?” asks McClure, for no apparent reason. “Of course you can,” responds Zaius. “Well, I couldn’t before!” Cue piano solo.
THE ENDING
Planet Of The Apes’ devastating finale is turned into an upbeat showstopper. “I hate every ape that I see / From chimpan-A to chimpan-Z / No, you’ll never make a monkey out of me,” sings McClure. Cue Lady Liberty and fireworks. Then there’s the real twist — as Dr Zaius puts his hand on the kneeling McClure’s shoulder, the actor turns to him and announces, “I love you, Dr Zaius!” Perhaps there is a chance for apes and humans, after all.

TL;DR: strapping farmer seeks intelligent, creative partner for homesteading, community-building, and enjoying life on this pale blue dot.
Hello there! I'm looking for a partner for what will doubtless be the the craziest thing I ever do: my goal in life is to get a piece of land, build a home, and homestead off the grid with as little fossil fuel use as possible. When I dream about my future it involves hand tools, donkey carts, and composting toilets. Over the long term, I would want my partner to fit into this life in either of the following ways:

• As a full partner in homesteading, working with me to produce a livelihood from the land and contribute our gifts to our community, OR
  
• As my anchor to contemporary society, working a more normal job and probably owning a real vehicle. Here I would be a homemaker on (metaphorical) steroids, providing food and supplementary income in addition to keeping house.
  

If either of those sound like a great time to you, please read on!

About Me

I am a Luddite who makes a hobby of niche computing, a dreamer with an analytical bent, a blue-collar guy who rejected his white-collar upbringing. I lived a few different lives before settling on "farmer", but I feel now, for the first time, that I've found my calling. I spent seven months living off-grid in the rainforest, and am now apprenticing on an organic vegetable farm in a more temperate climate. I plan to work and learn on other folks' farms for a few more years to build up the resources and experience I will need to make my own farmstead a reality.
I'm a reserved and reflective kind of fellow, but I will talk enthusiastically about a wide variety of subjects. I love the outdoors deeply, and value living in a beautiful place. I have a strong appreciation for both arts and handcrafts, and am an amateur in a broad range of hobbies and disciplines. I haven't had a ton of time for my hobbies during the peak of farming season, but I love cooking, baking, fermenting foods, and playing my banjo. When I find the time, I am a voracious reader, particularly of nonfiction and philosophy. I don't keep up much with television, anime, or video games anymore, though I was quite involved with those as a younger person (read: totally a recovering weeb). I traveled widely as a kid, but am now trying to figure out where to settle and put down roots; Virginia is leading the pack right now, but I am open to suggestion here.
Humor-wise, my tendency is to catch you off-guard with a funny face, make a terrible pun, or pull out the dustiest, most ancient reference for the situation. I laugh easily myself and love dry, sharp humor.
Physically, I'm 6'3" and was about 240 lbs at last check. I'm no swimsuit model, but have broad shoulders, strong legs, and a modest belly--a sort of "farmer fit" body. I'm on the browner side of white, and wear a mustache and glasses. My hairline gave up on me pretty early, so I'm usually bald or buzzed up top. I wear a beard, but have been known to shear it off and rock the 'stache. I have rather serious body hair that is not going anywhere, as well. Basically, I'm the answer to all of your lumberjack fantasies.
When it comes to relationships, I tend to be the nurturing type. If you need someone who will demand a lot of you and constantly push you, I'm not it. If you need a supportive rock who will give you the honest truth and will challenge you when it's the right thing to do, I might just be your huckleberry. Once I am comfortable with a partner, I become very cuddly and physically affectionate.
I prioritize open communication, shared values, and mutual respect in close relationships. I think great relationships are made, not found, and that love is more of a verb that it is a noun. There has to be a baseline level of chemistry on at a least a few levels, of course, but I don't expect or need to go head-over-heels rainbow-drinking ga-ga over you in order for things to work. That stuff is really nice and feels amazing, but it goes away over time. Much better, in my book, to build something great together, and all the rest is icing on the cake.
I want to have children, but if and only if I am completely confident in both the relationship and our logistical/economic situation. Adopting and just not having kids at all are both on the table for me.

About You

I am looking for someone who would be an enthusiastic partner in the sort of life I've outlined above. I tend to be attracted to women who are confident, fairly high-energy, and who have a serious zest for life. I have a pretty even keel, and can be a good balance for someone a little more on the wild side. That said, I have a good track record of partnering with more introverted women, so those are by no means requirements.
I do want my potential partner to have an appreciation for the outdoors, and a love of some sorts of arts, crafts, or culture. I would like for my partner to be reasonably fit--again, I'm no model and don't expect you to be, but being in decent shape is a big plus for me. Another big plus is the ability to talk at some length about philosophical, social, spiritual, or political ideas.
I'm drawn to women who are comfortable in their own skin. My past partners have often had little time for makeup, leg-shaving, and the like. So long as you're reasonably fit and healthy, your body type matters little to me--hair type/color, body proportions, the sharpness/softness of your features are not categorically important to me; it's more about how it all fits together.
I have a few dealbreakers. If you identify as a Republican or (especially) a Trump supporter, I'm out. I won't close the door entirely on other flavors of (non-fascist) conservatism, but we will get along best if you are somewhere on the left side of the spectrum. If you're into authoritarian socialism, though, that probably won't work too well either.
Unfortunately I'm painfully straight, so I'm only looking for cis women, though any orientation is fine.
Please be between 23 and 37 years of age. All heights and races are welcome.

In Conclusion

Your potential straw-hat-wearing furry-faced homemaker stud is just a reddit DM away. Please use messages instead of the chat feature. Happy to send pics on request. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thank you for reading, and if you pass on this one, happy hunting out there =)

TL;DR: strapping farmer seeks intelligent, creative partner for homesteading, community-building, and enjoying life on this pale blue dot.
Hello there! I'm looking for a partner for what will doubtless be the the craziest thing I ever do: my goal in life is to get a piece of land, build a home, and homestead off the grid with as little fossil fuel use as possible. When I dream about my future it involves hand tools, donkey carts, and composting toilets. Over the long term, I would want my partner to fit into this life in either of the following ways:

• As a full partner in homesteading, working with me to produce a livelihood from the land and contribute our gifts to our community, OR
  
• As my anchor to contemporary society, working a more normal job and probably owning a real vehicle. Here I would be a homemaker on (metaphorical) steroids, providing food and supplementary income in addition to keeping house.
  

If either of those sound like a great time to you, please read on!

About Me

I am a Luddite who makes a hobby of niche computing, a dreamer with an analytical bent, a blue-collar guy who rejected his white-collar upbringing. I lived a few different lives before settling on "farmer", but I feel now, for the first time, that I've found my calling. I spent seven months living off-grid in the rainforest, and am now apprenticing on an organic vegetable farm in a more temperate climate. I plan to work and learn on other folks' farms for a few more years to build up the resources and experience I will need to make my own farmstead a reality.
I'm a reserved and reflective kind of fellow, but I will talk enthusiastically about a wide variety of subjects. I love the outdoors deeply, and value living in a beautiful place. I have a strong appreciation for both arts and handcrafts, and am an amateur in a broad range of hobbies and disciplines. I haven't had a ton of time for my hobbies during the peak of farming season, but I love cooking, baking, fermenting foods, and playing my banjo. When I find the time, I am a voracious reader, particularly of nonfiction and philosophy. I don't keep up much with television, anime, or video games anymore, though I was quite involved with those as a younger person (read: totally a recovering weeb). I traveled widely as a kid, but am now trying to figure out where to settle and put down roots; Virginia is leading the pack right now, but I am open to suggestion here.
Humor-wise, my tendency is to catch you off-guard with a funny face, make a terrible pun, or pull out the dustiest, most ancient reference for the situation. I laugh easily myself and love dry, sharp humor.
Physically, I'm 6'3" and was about 230 lbs at last check. I'm no swimsuit model, but have broad shoulders, strong legs, and a modest belly--a sort of "farmer fit" body. I'm on the browner side of white, and wear a mustache and glasses. My hairline gave up on me pretty early, so I'm usually bald or buzzed up top. I wear a beard, but have been known to shear it off and rock the 'stache. I have rather serious body hair that is not going anywhere, as well. Basically, I'm the answer to all of your lumberjack fantasies, and you can take a look for yourself.
When it comes to relationships, I tend to be the nurturing type. If you need someone who will demand a lot of you and constantly push you, I'm not it. If you need a supportive rock who will give you the honest truth and will challenge you when it's the right thing to do, I might just be your huckleberry. Once I am comfortable with a partner, I become very cuddly and physically affectionate.
I prioritize open communication, shared values, and mutual respect in close relationships. I think great relationships are made, not found, and that love is more of a verb that it is a noun. There has to be a baseline level of chemistry on at a least a few levels, of course, but I don't expect or need to go head-over-heels rainbow-drinking ga-ga over you in order for things to work. That stuff is really nice and feels amazing, but it goes away over time. Much better, in my book, to build something great together, and all the rest is icing on the cake.
I want to have children, but if and only if I am completely confident in both the relationship and our logistical/economic situation. Adopting and just not having kids at all are both on the table for me.

About You

I am looking for someone who would be an enthusiastic partner in the sort of life I've outlined above. I tend to be attracted to women who are confident, fairly high-energy, and who have a serious zest for life. I have a pretty even keel, and can be a good balance for someone a little more on the wild side. That said, I have a good track record of partnering with more introverted women, so those are by no means requirements.
I do want my potential partner to have an appreciation for the outdoors, and a love of some sorts of arts, crafts, or culture. I would like for my partner to be reasonably fit--again, I'm no model and don't expect you to be, but being in decent shape is a big plus for me. Another big plus is the ability to talk at some length about philosophical, social, spiritual, or political ideas.
I'm drawn to women who are comfortable in their own skin. My past partners have often had little time for makeup, leg-shaving, and the like. So long as you're reasonably fit and healthy, your body type matters little to me--hair type/color, body proportions, the sharpness/softness of your features are not categorically important to me; it's more about how it all fits together.
I have a few dealbreakers. If you identify as a Republican or (especially) a Trump supporter, I'm out. I won't close the door entirely on other flavors of (non-fascist) conservatism, but we will get along best if you are somewhere on the left side of the spectrum. If you're into authoritarian socialism, though, that probably won't work too well either.
Unfortunately I'm painfully straight, so I'm only looking for cis women, though any orientation is fine.
Please be between 23 and 37 years of age. All heights and races are welcome.

In Conclusion

Your potential straw-hat-wearing furry-faced homemaker stud is just a reddit DM away. Please use messages instead of the chat feature. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thank you for reading, and if you pass on this one, happy hunting out there =)

In Sharp Entertainment’s latest prod-uction, the only show with more foolish life decisions and regret than a Penguin going to a Narwahl Convention, 90-Day Finace, Before the 90-Days, we see our protagonists making leaps and bounds in their relationships- if they ate cisgender, will thai streak last or will it fizzle out? Like a mosquito at a lamp convention, there are so many conventions, did anybody go to the lamp one? I heard there was a huge orgy, so much electricity.
Jasmine and Gino
Jasmine and Gino are going on a sex-cation- if they make this flight, Gino ate beans last night, a lot of beans- his bowels are feeling things. Hopefully, he doesn’t shit himself on this death plane. The Rainforest Cafe Frog welcomes them to their sex cabin, where there is wine- and enough of Jasmine’s hot ass to cure Diahrea, at least Gino isn’t bottoming, that would make him- you learn so much from the gays.
Anyway, Gino ejaculated, the heavens opened- so did Jamsine’s legs, when she peed on his chest, I have the emotional availability of a Vietnam Veteran. Gino and Jasmine are going horseback riding, which they’ve never done before. First, they have to gain their trust- roll that footage of New York being dragged through a vineyard by a horse, without one of those snazzy helmets.
They definitely won’t start arguing- and there they go, argu- the horses don’t trust them anymore, can horses start OnlyFans or only sell Boombod? Jasmine doesn’t want Gino’s family in their business, or criticizing her, she, she has made it clear- she is a sexy hulk, that will agree to a sit-down.
Amanda and Razvan
Razvan is taking Amanda to a Romanian Traditional Restaurant- where she can’t read the menu, but the thought of all the dead animal puns really makes her- is she a sociopath? Is she going to get the pork brains?
Razvan wants to take Amanda to meet his family in Croatia, and show them her good heart- and they, wait, what, did I, oh, his family is horrible too? Razvan is trying to manifest a lot of shit here, a green card, a happy family, Amanda not being- and now she thinks he is using her, and if he is, you did not live through Communist Romania. It was bad. Then Communism fell, and things didn’t get much better. A man can dream, and Amanda can, be herself.
Razvan is working with what he’s got and he is a good sex man, very patient partner. He is very commun- does anybody else want to get them a sexy pancake man and get him a Greencard? I wouldn’t care if he did Onlyfans because I wouldn’t love him and would just be in it for the food, would you? Vamanos! Lets go to Romania!
Amanda is meeting Diana, Ravan’s friend, and other friends- who are hotter than Amanda, and have cooler tattoos, and aren’t on their periods. Which Amanda is embarrassed about, why? I, I’m not, I will scream that I menstruate fromm the highest hill, gove me chocolate and I will stop shouting that I menstruate from the highest hill! I also poop, I don’t know if JK Rowling cares about that but, oh shit am I transphobic now? God damn menstruating bitches oppressing people.
Diana takes Amanda aside, to examine her eyes and ask her questions- Diana might be the only psychic who doesn’t say she’s a psychic, she can sense the toxic relationship, and vibes- they are not in love, she does not appreciate him, the winning lotto numbers are 69, 42- Razvan can do better than you.
Statler and Dempsey
Things are going great in the Caravan- how is Statler supposed to bathe? How many days- someone fetch the trough and boil some water, Statler is a dirty girl, look at her titties in the tin tub, Titties in the Tin Tub is the name of my favorite all-female Mumford and Son Coverband. They’re all feminist English country girls- and the straight one’s really supportive boyfriend on harmonica, they grew up on a farm, they dress like newsies and have hipster tattoos.
They use a goat as an instrument, his name is Cumledgely and he dances, right before he rams himself at the drunkest person in the crowd. They’re great, never seen them because they’re not real, I blame this on Tony Blair.
Dempsey is nervous about Statler meeting her dad, who disapproved of her last relationship, it was toxic, but so far Statler has shown no red flags, at all, what- she can see the camera crew, right? Her dad knows- he doesn’t know? Get my black pants!
Dempsey’s dad is immediately onto Statler, who introduces you to a random American woman if this isn’t a Tom Clancy movie? A matchmaker for people who hate free healthcare and inexpensive college? Dempsey’s dad interrogates Statler while Dempsey gets the health food, and he thinks that they aren’t moving fast at all, or hiding secrets from each other- he can see the camera crew, he is breaking the fifth wall and screaming his feelings at them directly, and his daughter. In a mumbly, English way.
Are sheep the only attraction in England, I can see the horses, but these sheep are getting way too much screen time, they’re all going to turn into Kanye West, shut up about Nazi Germany Bessie IV! You weren’t there, you can’t have any opinions, don’t make me shear your ass you bloody tart!
Dempsey has to go to work with the anti-semitic sheep, and Statler is preparing a romantic scavenger hunt, for the woman who didn’t say I love you- didn’t Amy Dunne do this in Gone Girl? Is Statler writing a fake diary and acquiring her own blood? I hope that a sheep doesn’t eat that rose, that would make it a homophobic sheep.
Tyray and Carmilla
Tyray is meeting the real Carmilla in Denver, where he will learn the truth. Is Carmilla working with Christian? Is Tyray going to eat some lawn clippings in Denver and get high, bust through the wall of the restaurant like the Koolaid Man? I don’t know, but it would be very therapeutic for him, you want some of that good, good, real Carmilla?
Tyray is not hopeful for this meeting, he puts on his best Northface jacket for this adventure, maybe this conciliatory candle will help, and cracking open the minibar because the producers are paying for this adventure, where’s the strip club?
Christian and Cleo
Christian and Cleo had sex- and it was good, and she is telling all of us about it, right before she has to rush to class, and Christain- has a different story, what a gentleman, he isn’t lying about waiting for the girl.
Cleo is upset that Christain lied to the producers, which is understandable- Christian is being a douche, this is the dreaded T-word. They need to have a serious conversation.
Meisha and Nicola
Meisha has no coffee, and oh look, Nicola is still here, he followed- but he wants to change? How expensive is an apartment, by yourself in Israel? I want to believe this but my brain is going straight to hooker murder again, I don’t think Nicole choked thsi one out while shouting Novenas though- see, this is what this show does to you, you have no faith in people, only hooker murder. Church bells don’t mean shit to me.
I give this episode 3.75/5 stars, the highlight was Diana, she, is she a therapist? She should be, is that a money-making career in Romania? It should be, Romania has seen some shit, Gino and Jasmine get an honorable mention for, not being toxic, but very, very horny, this, this is better. It’s a shame they start fighting again next week, jizz just came out of Gino’s PP, like a big boi.
Christian gets a dishonorable mention for being a douche, some real transphobia there, I wonder why that marriage didn’t work out, a stellar human being, he makes himself look even better next week. Finally sinking to that Amanda level- who raises the bar by going full villain. Shelia asks for money? That’s nothing, Statler is also present, and her crazy. So that’s fun, Tyray meets the real Carmilla too. This’ll be even more exciting than that lamp convention.
Take that you asexual cucks who went to the sofa convention! Ha! Furniture jokes!

1- Best 7- Worse

1. The Dark Secret - I felt that it dragged out a bit too much, but that’s partially because it’s not like Starflight was going anywhere. I don’t hate it, I like the amount of reveals and plot twists in this part, but I think it was better told in comic format than story format personally.
   
2. The Lost Heir- This one was pretty okay; not not necessarily my favorite. It’s not bad at all either, but I will say that I think the introduction to the so-called magic system is a bit botched and rushed. It makes no sense to me how only a few are born with animus magic and how they’re even born with it at all. And I thought the reveal that it was the statue was killing the dragonets was…interesting…(?) but a bit anti climatic. But this one goes above The Dark Secret due to the plot not being as dragged out, and due to the beautiful descriptions of the palace.
   
3. The Brightest Night- This book goes here because while it’s got a lot more action compared to the previous two, and it also features lovable characters, I feel as if Sunny’s character arc isn’t fully…complete. I was hoping that at one point, she’s realize that Kestrel and Dune have always been full of shit and that she deserves more respect. I do wish some emphasis was placed on Sunny realizing that she doesn’t need a special purpose to justify existing. I also felt as if the idea with the Eye of Onyx being the deciding force was a bit…anti-climatic imo. I mean, it felt weird that this war was dragged out for so long and it’s suddenly solved because of a piece of gold that apparently has magical powers that we were never told about nor was there any huge emphasis placed on until the final darn book. With that, I have to put it a bit lower than the others.
   
4. The Dragonet Prophecy- My first book that I’ve read for this series; I had to put it a bit closer to the top due to that, and also because it’s one of the only books thus far that has perpetual action and “thrills” (no pun intended). I couldn’t put the darn thing down. Buuut I think I’d have to put it a bit below Hidden Kingdom because it doesn’t feel as if Clay developed all that much as a character. At least to me.
   
5. The Hidden Kingdom- My favorite in the first arc. It goes through Glory’s entire character arc and it ends with her doing what her abusers never thought she COULD do. Glory is one of my favorite characters and the Rainwings are my favorite dragons. I love how varied they are in colors and shapes; and I love the rainforest setting. It’s beautifully done. Definitely one of my top three.
   
6. Moon Rising- I really enjoyed this intro to the first arc. When I first read it, I couldn’t put it down and I was able to finish it in one singular night. I loved Moonwatcher’s character and I love the change of pace. I feel like this arc is going to get a bit more personal with our characters and really digging deep into their stories and arcs compared to the previous arc. I really love Moon’s arc as well. She goes from being shy, ashamed and embarrassed, to hopeful and more open to her friends, which was hard on its own, and I’m so proud of her for finding the strength and space to really start to find her place in the world. Definitely number 2.
   
7. Winter Turning- My absolutely favorite in the franchise as of now. I LOVE Winter’s arc and I love the culture of the viewings. It’s something we’ve never seen before, like the rankings, the extremely strict code of conduct, it’s pretty awesome! I love the conflict it talks about between the icewings and the nightwings as well. Winter goes through a lot and he grows so much by the end of the book.
   

I have to read the rest of arc 2 and then arc 3,after finishing arc 2, I may make a new updated list.

Upfront Edit: This post got longer and longer so thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it and I hope it can be helpful to anyone trying to decide on or plan a similar trip.
Thanks to a travel voucher I received through my work and a couple years of saved up travel budget from the pandemic, my family and I were able to embark on a dream vacation of mine this year. We just returned on Friday from a 13 night West Coast road trip from Seattle to San Diego. Our traveling party consisted of my wife (37F), my sons (9 and 12 M), and myself (38M) so we were trying our best to balance our travel and activities to keep everyone engaged and excited.
While planning for our trip I got a lot of comments about how miserable it was probably going to be to spend so much time driving with kids in the car, but my kids have always enjoyed riding long distances for trips. We've done smaller road trip vacations around the Midwest and south to Florida before with some daily drives in excess of 10 hours, so we kind of knew what we were getting into. We packed lots of activities to keep them busy on the plane and then in the car and I'm proud to report that they were barely touched. All that being said, on to the trip.

Day 1 - Cincinnati, OH to Seattle, WA by air

Our first day consisted of flying from Cincinnati to Seattle. We had a later flight and so we ended up getting into Seattle around 8pm local. We had rented a minivan from Budget and the pickup was smooth at the airport. We ended up with a Chrysler Pacifica which would serve us well through the trip. After some initial disappointment that the rearview camera was so internally condensated that it was unusable everyone settled into our "base of operations" for the next two weeks. The kids were thrilled to have captain's chairs, my wife and I were glad that the third row folded down easily and made ample room to carry our 2 checked bags, 4 carry-ons and 4 backpacks with room to spare, and I was elated that the van came standard with Android Auto which was invaluable on this trip
After picking up the van we made our way to hotel #1, The Mediterranean Inn. This hotel was well located near the Space Needle and Seattle Center, though we ended up not going up the needle. It also had a nice rooftop with a great view of the waterfront and across to the Olympic Mountain range. With the later arrival and our lag in time zones everyone was pretty exhausted. We ended up just ordering a pizza from Seattle Pizza and Bar, which was a fairly average pie, and then everyone pretty much passed out.

Day 2 - Seattle, WA

Thanks again to time zone differences everyone was up early this morning. We had packed some snacks and pop tarts and had these for a light breakfast before heading to Pike Place Market very early. We got there well before it "opened" which turned out to be really cool. Since it was a Sunday we knew the market was probably going to get busy. We got to walk around and scope things out without the crushing crowds and figure out things we did and didn't want to check out. It was also fun to watch the market come to life. Watching the vendors set out their flower arrangements was really cool. The variety and quality of the flowers was really astounding and the smell filled the early morning air. I also couldn't believe how affordable they really were. It was also great to be there early because we were among the first visitors so it seemed like everyone wanted to talk to us and give us samples.
As the morning went on the market really came to life and was soon filled with people and activity. We had planned to pick up food here for snacks for the rest of the trip as well as to assemble a bit of a charcuterie for lunch on day 3. We found so many delicious snacks, cheeses, and meats here. Huge shoutout to The Cheese Box. The woman behind the counter was so incredibly friendly to us and our boys and gave us loads of samples. We loaded up on cheeses and meats here and she even cut us off a bit of her favorite for free when we explained what we were doing with them.
Other highlights here were the magic shop where the employees wowed our sons with sleight of hand and we got our fortunes from the Zoltar machine out front, a wonderful spice store with shelves and shelves of spices and blends, great lunches between Pike Place Chowder and The Falafel King, and some of the best fruit I've ever tasted from Sosio's. Of course we also watched them throw the fish and our kids stuck some gum on the gum wall.
After lunch when the market was really getting busy we headed back to the hotel for a bit of rest. When dinner rolled around we had a simple burger and floats meal from Dick's across the street. The plan was to walk down to Seattle Center and eat in a shady spot but there was a large festival taking up most of the space with paid admission so we ended up just wolfing it down on the go and walking around Seattle Center for the evening.
We checked out international fountain and wandered around the parks under and around the Space Needle We watched a Queen laser show at the laser dome attached to the Pacific Science Center and as we were heading there I saw them setting up a field of drones for a nighttime drone show. I was lucky enough to be able to see this drone show, which was for the MLB All Star weekend from the roof of the hotel that night and it was a surreal, beautiful ending to the day.

Day 3 - Seattle, WA to Port Angeles, WA

We were up early again this day with another quick and easy pop tart breakfast before check out. We drove about 25-30 minutes North to Edmonds where we had scheduled a whale watching tour with Puget Sound Express. The tour lasted about 5 hours and was incredible. The boat made it all the way up into Canadian waters near Vancouver Island. The kids really got a kick out of being able to say that we "went to another country" on our trip. We got to see a pod of orcas playing in the waters here and then on our way back to Edmonds we saw so many humpbacks. They got so close to our boat that even the crew and captain were joining us in oohs and ahs on the deck and they all said it was an above average day for watching whales. We enjoyed our "charcuterie" from the prior day's adventure while on board and it did a good job of settling our sea sick bellies.
After whale watching we took the ferry from Edmonds to Kingston and then it was just about an hour drive to Port Angeles. We stayed in the Red Lion Hotel here and I highly recommend it. For the price the room was great and clean and we had a beautiful balcony with wonderful views out over the Salish Sea where we could watch the big ships and the Black Ball Ferry Line come and go. We had dinner at the Hook & Line Pub right next door who had really good food. In particular they served a smoked salmon chowder that was phenomenal. Back to the room where I had a partial view of the sunset to the West and then we all got rested up for the next day which was to be our first "big" driving day.

Day 4 - Port Angeles, WA to Long Beach, WA

We woke up and our original plan had been to start the day with a drive up Hurricane Ridge Road to take in some mountain views. Over coffee that morning though I learned that due to a recent fire at the lodge/visitor center they were only allowing a limited amount of vehicles up the road per day and at a time. With this information and the morning being quite cloudy and overcast we decided that we would leave our vehicle's spot for someone else that day and instead get an early start on our drive. This turned out to be fortuitous because after some driving we got to our next stop which was the Hoh Rainforest and we arrived just before it started to get really busy.
The rainforest was absolutely beautiful and the Sitka Spruces here gave us our first taste of the "big trees" we were looking forward to seeing. Since we arrived early we didn't have to wait in line for a parking spot and were on the trail before the majority of the crowd. This was great because we really felt like we could take our time and revel in the beauty of the forest around us. We were also lucky enough to catch a fascinating presentation from a park ranger which taught us so much about the forest we were in and how the trees work together to get so large. Thanks to our early start we also decided to stop at Ruby Beach afterwards to cap off our time in Olympic National Park. The whole family was taken in by the beauty there and the kids (and wife) had fun crawling over the big driftwood logs.
We had a quick lunch at a roadside spot called Dino's Pizza and Grill which was a very no-nonsense, no-frills place with tasty burgers that hit the spot. We made a brief snack stop at the Humptulips Grocery in Humptulips, WA because the name was too funny to pass up and the pushed through to our lodging for the night which was the Sou'Wester Lodge in Seaview.
Sou'Wester was a highlight of the trip. It consists of a small lodge and some RV parking, but the real draw is their array of vintage travel trailers which have been refurbished and set in place as a form of lodging. They have a ton of different types including vintage travel trailers, RVs, Airstreams, and buses. We stayed in the Lady Grey which was a converted Greyhound bus. Obviously there wasn't a ton of space for our family in four but we had enough and the boys couldn't get enough of playing in the driver's seat. There was a turntable in the bus and the camp store at the lodge had a wide variety of records to borrow for free. We ended up listening to Hawaiian steel guitar, big band swing, and The Beatles as we enjoyed some family games of Uno and just soaked in the atmosphere. I can't recommend this place enough. Not your ordinary hotel stay but it is definitely a can't-miss if you are staying in the area

Day 5 - Long Beach, WA to Crescent City, CA

This was the big day of driving on our trip. I knew ahead of time that I was looking at probably an 8 hour drive, but I vastly underestimated the Oregon Coast. We definitely didn't give it the time it deserved, but we still loved the time we spent passing through and by the end of the day we had definitely resigned ourselves to arriving at our hotel late because we wanted to give OR the time we could.
We started out with just a quick drive through Astoria. We didn't go to the Goonies locations but mostly because I've heard mixed things about how the owner of the house reacts to tourists and the town itself was just beautiful to drive through alone. Afterwards we stopped by the Lewis and Clark National Historical Park for a bit. We are kind of history nerds so we wanted to check it out and we were lucky enough to show up on a day devoted to Seaman which was Lewis's Newfoundland dog that accompanied them on their journey. There were Newfies everywhere for the kids to pet and tons of historical presentations and events happening. The boys did some Junior Ranger activities as well which were fun and informative.
We ate a pretty decent lunch at Mo's Restaurant in Cannon Beach and then checked out Haystack Rock, so I guess we did get a little Goonies in. The beach was a little crowded, but not so much that we felt uncomfortable. We did some light tidepooling and explored for a bit before moving along.
This section of road had so may beautiful turnouts and overlooks that we easily could have spent a week driving it. We did stop frequently including a stop at Rocky Creek State Scenic Viewpoint where we spotted some more whales off the coast and The Devil's Punchbowl. By this time we were getting tired and hungry so it was just a drive thru dinner at Arctic Circle and then straight through to our hotel in Crescent City. We stayed at the Ocean View Inn. I wasn't the biggest fan of this place, though the room was decently sized. At least. Not too much of a bother though since it was almost midnight by the time I checked in.

Day 6 - Crescent City, CA to Fort Bragg, CA

Despite our late arrival we were up relatively early this morning because everyone was excited to see the redwoods. Everyone was kind of looking forward to not having pop tarts for breakfast but the hotel continental was sorely lacking so it was old reliable McDonalds breakfast today.
A couple hours of driving brought us to the beginning of the Avenue of Giants. We spent most of the rest of the day just slowly driving along in absolute marvel of the forest around us. No picture has ever or will ever be able to capture the magnificence of the redwoods. It really is something that must be seen and felt in person and we spent plenty of time getting out and walking around to experience it. Of course we drove through a tree and stopped at some gift shops. I suggest stopping at The Grandfather Tree gift shop. It's a huge tree and it's really beautiful to behold.
We had lunch at The Avenue Cafe in Miranda which had some of the tastiest homemade pizza I've had. and then made our way to Confusion Hill. Confusion Hill is a super kitschy tourist-trap type stop but I would still classify it as a must-see. If you are familiar with the show Gravity Falls, the Mystery Shack is based on Confusion Hill and they have plenty of little easter eggs and references for you. You may even catch sight of Bill Cipher if you keep a sharp eye. We took a small train ride up the side of the mountain which was surprisingly fun. The man driving the train and narrating the trip was very funny and taught us a lot about old logging practices and the trees themselves. Then we walked through the Gravity House and witnessed its "oddities". All of the workers here were over-the-top friendly and made us feel so welcome.
Shortly after Confusion Hill we went through Leggett which is where CA 1 actually begins. And let me tell you, CA 1 is not for the faint of heart. Immediately we were met with hairpin turns with steep drop offs and narrow roads winding through a lush, beautiful redwood forest. My knuckles were getting a little white through this stretch, but luckily pretty much everyone is driving slowly through here so the pressure wasn't really on. After the forest it's more of the same but along the coast with gorgeous views and sheer drop offs to the ocean to accompany the winding road. We arrived in Fort Bragg and checked into our hotel, the Harbor Lite Lodge.
I really liked the Harbor Lite Lodge. Despite it's "motel-like" setup the buildings seemed very nice and there were some nice communal areas outside too. We had a balcony which overlooked the harbor and the room was very nice. The beds in particular are very comfortable and apparently manufactured in Fort Bragg locally. We got in about 8pm and everything in Fort Bragg closed around 8 or 9 so sadly we ended up just having Taco Bell for dinner, but there were no complaints from my family on this matter.

Day 7 - Fort Bragg, CA to San Francisco, CA

There was a decision to be made this morning as I drank my coffee and watched the local fishing boats make their way out of the harbor through the fog. Should I take CA 1 or US 101 from Fort Bragg to SF? The previous day's white-knuckle driving was still fresh on my mind as I looked at our drive for the day. When I began planning this trip I was pretty dead set on spending as much time on CA 1 as possible to get the true PCH experience. However, I already knew that we were going to have to miss one of the most iconic portions, Big Sur, due to road closures. I also knew that the ~150 miles ahead of me could take almost 6 hours to drive on CA 1 and that if I chose that direction there really was no opportunity to change my mind. In the end we decided to throw caution to the wind and stick with the scenic route and I'm very glad we did.
We started out by backtracking slightly for a morning visit to Glass Beach in Fort Bragg. This was beautiful and the boys had a great time combing the beach for bits of sea glass. The wife and I enjoyed watching the sea birds and seals through our binoculars. Watch out for curious squirrels in this area. They seem to be very acclimated to human presence and will practically mob you for food. The crows too.
The majority of the rest of the day was spent winding along the coast taking in the beautiful views and driving through seaside towns. We had lunch in Gualala at the Gualala Seafood Shack. I had some local rockfish and chips which was great and everyone else had a variety of fried delights from the sea. I can definitely recommend this lunch stop.
After white knuckling it along the seaside cliffs for most of the day CA 1 teases you with a pleasant diversion through some beautiful rolling farmland then along Tomales Bay near Point Reyes. Don't let your guard down too much though because once you've been lulled into a false sense of security it cranks the stress levels to 11 as you wind precariously up and down through the Marin Hills as you approach San Francisco. In true Midwestern 80's child fashion we listened to the Full House theme song as we drove across the Golden Gate Bridge into San Francisco and made our way to our hotel, the Hotel Zephyr.
Hotel Zephyr was pretty nice. The location couldn't be beat as you could walk pretty much right out the backdoor into Fisherman's Wharf. The room, however, was not the best. The AC was fairly nonfunctional and the beds are downright tiny. They advertised our room as having 2 queen beds but they were full size at best. They also advertise their game room and communal area pretty strongly but overall everything was kind of worn-down and overused. We did have a pretty decent view of Alcatraz from our balcony though, so that was nice.
Being the Midwesterners that we are, we have never had In-N-Out and had already decided we would go to the one in Fisherman's Wharf while in SF so we made our way there for dinner. It, and the whole area around it, were absolutely packed. Possibly due to our week spent in remote areas it was a bit overwhelming for our family so we ate and retired back to the game area and hotel pretty quickly for some R&R before calling it a night.

Day 8 - San Francisco, CA

We woke up early and walked along The Embarcadero to Pier 39 on our San Francisco day. We had breakfast at Eagle Cafe. They had a great Bloody Mary and crab benedict which was a fantastic start to our day. We spent a good majority of the day at Pier 39 taking in the shops, playing in the arcade, viewing the sea lions, and watching street performers. We had originally planned to take the cable car to Chinatown this day as well but time got away from us. Before we knew it we were ready for dinner. We ate dinner at Boudin's Bistro. They're famous for their clam chowder and bread bowls, but my son and I split the fire roasted Dungeness crab and it was amazing.
We ended a very long day by doing a late night escape room, our family's first, at Escapology Escape Rooms. We were hesitant to give this a go with the boys but our oldest was very insistent and we all ended up loving it. I'm proud to state that we were able to solve the mystery, create the antidote, and escape with 7 minutes left having only used one free hint. The staff here was very nice and supportive and now we're all talking about our next escape room. We definitely stayed up and out too late though and paid for it the next morning, but it was worth it.

Day 9 - San Francisco, CA to Pacific Grove, CA

We were up and out early as usual this day. In the sake of time we skipped CA 1 for this stretch and did a couple hours of highway driving to get to Monterey. My youngest is a huge aquarium nut so we had to make a stop at the world-famous Monterey Bay aquarium. I'm not the biggest aquarium fan but I will say that this one is very nice. We all loved watching the schools of sardines and we got to watch a pretty impressive feeding show where they fed the schools and the huge, fast tuna. They have a ton of touch tanks that the kids could have spent all day in. We had an unremarkable and overpriced lunch at the aquarium, but hey at least the profits will go toward the upkeep of this incredible place.
Once we were through aquarium we headed to the Asilomar Hotel and Conference Grounds in Pacific Grove for the night. Asilomar, as the name would suggest, definitely caters more toward conferences and large groups but they do have a number of rooms that you can stay in on a personal basis. When we checked in, the front desk attendant asked if we were on a road trip so apparently it's pretty common for them. The rooms were definitely no-frills. There was no AC and no TV, but I knew this when I booked. The grounds are really where Asilomar shines. It's loaded with historic buildings and feels very secluded despite being only about 10-15 minutes from Cannery Row in Monterey.
We were well into the vacation at this point and running out of clothes to wear so we split up this evening. My wife took the boys to the heated pool at Asilomar and I drove around to find a laundromat and wash our clothes for the rest of the trip. We had kind of an uninspiring pizza from Pelican Pizza delivered in the evening and I took a stroll down the boardwalk to the Asilomar state beach before bed.

Day 10 - Pacific Grove, CA to Santa Monica, CA

I took the boys out early in the morning to watch the waves crash on the beach for a bit and do some more tidepooling. We found so many hermit crabs and watched the older, grizzled surfers tackle the crashing, cold waves before we made our way back to the room to pack up and head out.
We've pretty much given up on CA 1 at this point. Today would have been the Big Sur day, but with the road closed we are just making time now. We took 101 for a bit and then crossed over to I-5 for the drive into Los Angeles. When we left Pacific Grove around 11am the thermometer in the car read 53 degrees. A few hours later as we drove past Buttonwillow, CA it read 112! In the spirit of making time a quick lunch was had from trusty McD's.
We arrived at our hotel, Le Meridien Delfina, around 5pm and soon made our way to the Santa Monica Pier. We had a quick dinner at a place called The Albright which had cold beer and tasty fish tacos. They also had excellent calamari. We spent the evening on the pier just sightseeing and letting the boys ride rides. The pier lights up and is beautiful at night, and the sunset was amazing as well. Of course we also had a churro before we made our way back to the room.
Le Meridien Delfina was nice enough, but we were a little out of our element because it seemed like it was, or was trying to be, very upscale so we felt a bit out of place. I was a bit put off as well when the bellman ran me a sales pitch on a local tour company after I had handed him his tip. Overall not very personable feeling, though the room was nice enough and I could see the ocean from the balcony.
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Day 11 - Los Angeles, CA

There was a hotel worker's strike in front of the hotel when I walked down to get my coffee in the morning. It was incredibly loud and it was such a jarring experience to see that when I looked to my right and then when I looked to my left just see all of the hotel managers pretending nothing is happening as business travelers sat around on their laptops pretending everything was normal. Given this and my full experience at the hotel I probably would have booked somewhere else that pays their workers better and isn't so full of themselves.
We wanted to head right to the beach this morning because the boys had been looking forward to it all vacation. We got into the lobby and saw what appeared to be a continental breakfast with no signage. It was just small boxes of cereal, powdered eggs, and toast and bagels like you would see in any other hotel. Imagine our surprise after we grabbed fruit and cereal for the boys when a staff member came up and let us know that it was not a continental breakfast but a paid "breakfast buffet". Those were certainly the most expensive tiny boxes of cereal our family has ever eaten.
We made our way to the beach and had a pretty great morning with my wife and I relaxing on the beach as the boys splashed around in the waves with a view of the city and pier around us. Because we showed up early the beach was practically deserted but people definitely started filling in the longer we stayed.
Around lunch time we went back to the room and got cleaned up before striking out into LA in search of a taco truck. We ended up at Leo's Taco Truck which is apparently a chain of LA taco trucks but it was still delicious! Then we headed off to check out the La Brea Tar Pits.
The tar pits (my son would be very disappointed if I didn't take this opportunity to point out that there is no tar in the tar pits, just asphalt) were pretty cool. We were all amazed by the number of fossils that have been pulled out and it was a fascinating look into the ancient, natural history of such a developed urban area. However, we apparently were in LA during a heat wave and it was very hot and humid so we limited our time walking around the grounds. On a more pleasant day we probably would have given it some more time and probably visited the LACMA as well. As it was, after the grounds and museum everyone was ready for some AC.
We hopped back into the van and did a couple hours of sightseeing around LA, driving through Beverly Hills and Hollywood before meeting some friends who live in LA for dinner. They took us to a Korean BBQ place in Koreatown called Hae Jang Chon where we ate more than our fill. We had never been to a KBBQ before and it was really quite the experience. We tried many different meats and they were all delicious, as well as the sides including the best kimchi I have ever had. Afterwards we headed back to the hotel and called it a night since we were all so full of food we could barely move.

Day 12 - Los Angeles, CA to San Diego, CA

This day started out with a minor hiccup and another strike (pun intended) against Le Meridien Delfina. After checkout we started driving toward San Diego. About 20 minutes after we left my son realized his phone wasn't in his pocket anymore. We called the hotel and asked them to check the couches near the valet because we were sure he had it when he walked out of the room. The front desk put us on hold and came back in a few minutes stating there was no phone. We had our doubts and decided to backtrack back to the hotel. Wouldn't you know it, my son found his phone within 20 seconds of pulling back up to the hotel. No bother, this allowed us a short cruise through Venice and we found some cheap gas so it was on the road again to San Diego.
The drive wasn't terribly exciting this day so we didn't do too much other than swing through another In-N-Out (yeah, we liked it) and take a short break at a very scenic rest area. I was pushing through because I wanted to tour the USS Midway Museum in San Diego before they closed. We did make it with plenty of time to spare and spent a few hours wandering the ship learning about its history and marveling at the planes and exhibits. The self-guided audio tour was great, and I thought it was pretty cool that I could see two active duty carriers across the bay as well.
Afterwards we made our way to the Abpopa Hillcrest hotel in the Hillcrest neighborhood just a few minutes away from downtown. This hotel was very unique. Our room was absolutely tiny, consisting of pretty much just a small kitchenette area with a table and two chairs and tv on the first floor. The sink in this area acts as your bathroom sink as well and the bathroom itself is behind a door that doesn't really close just off this area. There are two ladders in the room each leading to a sleeping area (or shelf as I called it). One had a queen mattress and the other had two twins. Our kids found this awesome, but I wasn't a huge fan of the climb and those upper areas got HOT. The patio was amazing though. It had a very large area with a full sized patio couch and chaise lounge with a table and some nice umbrella covering. Overall I enjoyed the hotel but, if you book there, make sure you know what you're getting into.
Hillcrest itself was such a cool neighborhood with food options GALORE. I booked our hotel here because of its proximity to the zoo, only about a 10 minute drive at most. It's also the LGBT hub of San Diego if that's your scene. We had pho from a place just across the street called Goi Cuon and it was very tasty. We got it carryout and ate it on the patio at the hotel. The boys and I hung out on the patio and enjoyed San Diego's beautiful weather. The TV in the room swivels so you can watch in from out on the balcony and the kids thought that was just the coolest.

Day 13 - San Diego, CA

We were well aware that we were going to spend pretty much the whole of this last full day at the San Diego Zoo. We woke up pretty early and had breakfast at a nearby spot called Crest Cafe. The breakfast here was delicious and the decor was bright and fun. Then we made our way to the zoo, getting there about 45 minutes after opening around 9:45.
Now, everyone knows that San Diego has an amazing zoo, but we've never been there before and our home city has a pretty awesome, well regarded zoo itself. That being said, San Diego's zoo is MASSIVE and awesome. We spent almost all the way until close exploring. They have so many different kinds of animals and so many different ways to see them that I can't really even begin to explain how awesome it is. Just go there, you won't regret it.
After the long day at the zoo we went do dinner back in Hillcrest at a spot called Los Panchos Tacos and Cantina. It was later than normal for a family dinner but the service here was great and the food was phenomenal. Everyone left full and happy as we headed back to our hotel for the last night's sleep on this amazing trip.

Day 14 - San Diego, CA to Cincinnati, OH by air

Does this count as a day of vacation? I'm going to count it because I wasn't at home and I wasn't working. We woke up early and packed our bags before heading to Hash House a Go Go for breakfast. I'd been wanting to try this place since hearing about it on a trip to Las Vegas a while back and not getting to try it. It was interesting. The portions were laughably large. I didn't realize that it was started by a Hoosier though and a lot of their menu items mention Indiana or being Indiana inspired. I can tell you as someone who was born and raised in Indiana that there is not food like that in Indiana. Bellies full it was off to the airport for a long day of flying with a layover in Salt Lake City before getting back home just around midnight local. Everyone was exhausted but it has been two full days since and our family is still buzzing from this trip.

Summary

All in all, there may have been some things that I would do differently if I went again, but I still enjoyed our entire trip. I have no regrets about any of the decisions we made or any of the activities we chose and we all had the time of our lives. I can't stress enough how amazing the entire trip was and I would suggest that if anyone is considering taking the leap and planning a crazy adventure like this, just do it!
We drove 52 hours and 1,866 miles over 14 days and had the time of our lives. We saw things we've only ever seen on TV and in movies and we did things I've dreamed about doing since I was a young child. I got to see the wonder in my children's eyes as they saw behemoths of nature and experienced bustling urban areas like they've never seen before. I got to hear the awe in their voices as they exclaimed in wonder at the sight of humpbacks spouting in the sea and put on false bravado to assure them of our safety on treacherous roads as my own palms sweated through the leather steering wheel. I got to see them learn that they loved new types of food and I got to listen to them cracking themselves up making jokes about the silly signs and things we saw along the way and yelling THICC BOI at every new "largest" redwood tree we passed.
I had a lot of nervousness and anxiety in planning and preparing for this trip and now as I put that big check mark on the bucket list in my head I can say that it was all well worth it.

Main Zones: Peacefolk Panic-A city/town named Peacefolk ,similar to Route 99 from Sonic Advance 3 in the first act. City starts to vegetate(due to the main boss of the zone) in second act,and in third it covered entirity of The town/city. Regal Rainforest-South American inspired rainforest with ancient ruins.Main character(Puriheart) desends deeper into The ruina with each act, starting in a titular dark rainforest(with possible rain),then inside a ruin,then in It's tomb. Mount Mystic-Antarctic envoirment with pink sky,frozen caves and some places to snowboard using His signature fire sword (that's a thing).You fight a Yeti in that Zone. Seaside City-A Sidney inspired locale.Not much planed besides a view for the ocean and carnival wheels being used as a gimmick. Maybe Carnival themed. TV Trouble-Asian Garden-styled TV set for Super Sentai-styled show:Sensei Consumerism.Filled with monsters and obsticles themed around The idea of making a TV series.The main boss of the zone is Juunkun(Pun on The term "Junk Food" and Japanese term "Kun"(Meaning young boy)-a dragon based inspired by Ridley from Metroid Franchise. Sillouette Swim-An African tropical island resort with lots of Water sections and a volanco.(Where you fight a boss)It Takes place at sunrise,so everything on dry land(minus The volcano and maybe some light) appears as sillouettes(a la Donkey Kong Country:Tropical Freeze). Cold Construction-a construction zone for Industrial Island on a lake surrounded by a mountainous area with rainy clouds covering The sky(inspired by cover art for "Slipping" by Cryoshell).The zone only Has 2 acts,one on The land and second one underwater,and no boss. Like Scrap Brain Zone Act 3,it imediatly transions into... Industrial Island-Newly build domain of The game's villan,Dr. Stereo. In second act,it goes into space.The third act contains game's final boss of you don't collect Chaos Emeralds-like items(TBD how they are named and what they are). Bonus Zones: Puriheart's Psyche-after defeating Stereo,a dark character similar to Puri(As I call him) emerges and after a fight, unleashes darkness onto him,as Enigmatic Enemy becomes a cloud of darkness and leaves The Island. In the dark,Puri gets His strenghts to fight His anxiety(literaly,as a boss) and gains a Super Sonic-like form,where his body becomes blinding light and has sunglasses. After that he must escape The destroying Island,by blasting thought act 2 in reverse. After that,Puri chases The mystery foe into... Heartful Hope-Doomsday Zone styled boss in space. Enigmatic Enemy gets a shadowy humanoid form that can change into a mass of darkness. Puri must fight him,by flying into him when humanoid and send meteorites into cloud form. After that,"Enigma" dissapears,Puriheart returns on "Earth"(not quite,but basacly It's Earth),and to His normal form,and celebrates with world. There are also special stages,but I won't go into The detail,for now.

Shoutout to spacepaladin15 for letting us play in his sandbox, and oobanooba- who writes Venlil Metal for some editing support!
I wanted to get this out earlier, but the hype around the chapter 128 twist and a bunch of other writers talking about how much it fucked their work up aggravated the shit outta my anxiety. It really poisoned my ability to create.
Now that it's out I'm extra excited because it actually lines up with a bunch of fun things you guys'll find out about later! ;3
FIRST / PREVIOUS / NEXT
Anyway...
Memory transcription subject: Sevkan, Venlil Emergency Medical Technician.
Date [standardized human time]: October 23 2136
Parking orbit, Earth, sol system
The pictures Erich had shown me of Earth didn’t do justice to the marvellous blue and green orb I watched spin through the tiny side window of our mostly empty passenger shuttle. Compared to most Federation worlds, The planet had a wild beauty and that shined through the long streaks of grey and black smoke that rose in great columns from what had once been cities.
Like Berlin, where Erich was from… All the places he’d shown me pictures of were gone. The people too. Except for this mysterious uncle. He didn’t have any pictures of him. He said the UN wouldn’t allow them. The contact package didn’t have much more than a name and a vague reference to ‘extensive medical reconstruction’ Which I didn't like the implications of.
I sighed and shifted in my seat a little. It was average human sized, so my average sized Venlil ass felt like a cub without their car seat. It was kind of crazy how fast things had moved in the past few days. Whatever favours dad had called in to get us here this fast must have been substantial and… well… Starside had a shady reputation in a literal and metaphorical sense. Any favours dad called in likely had gross stories attached to them.
I looked across the aisle at dad. He was tense, and hadn’t unbuckled himself from his seat once in the three or so hours we’d been waiting for our descent vector to clear. He’d just been staring out the window at earth and rubbing his fake eye with his claw. Clearly a stress reaction, I should talk to him.
I climbed up onto the seat in front of me and jumped across the gap. I drifted through the microgravity cabin with my arms wide and my tail straight until I was right over the chair in front of dad. With a curl and a whip of my tail my lazy flight became a rapid somersaulting descent. The claws of my footpaws sank into the padding on either side of the headrest and I stopped dead in the ‘ninja crouch’ Erich had taught me.
My flashy entrance seemed to snap dad out of the trance he was in. He turned to look at me. Dad was kinda scary looking, as far as venlil went. The velvet on his face had a few gnarly looking scars on in it, and he was huge. easily [178cm,] and muscled in a way few others were. His body wool was black and cropped short like most exterminators. All of the highlight wool on his head and neck was shaved down too, but the puff near the end of his tail wasn’t. It was necessary for body language, and revealed the grey, black, and white speckled pattern Starsiders were famous for.
“Did you just transition from Soaring Sunglider into the Hookweed Landing with a mid air tail flick?” He asked, a flicker of amusement in his voice and ears.
“Yeah!” I hopped down onto the seat next to his with a little flourish. “Erich and I figured out a bunch of fun microgravity tricks on the space station that hosted the exchange program.” I recalled the long hours we’d spent just running and jumping around that empty, half lit cargo bay. My tail drooped and I suppressed a sigh.
“I wish I could have seen that. His performance on our course at home was… unimpressive.” He said, that amused flicker still there. Venlil Prime’s gravity was a lot higher than Earth’s, so most of Erich’s first attempt at our Spring and Tumble course consisted of shin bashing, failed pull ups, and swearing.
“Well, too late now I guess.”
“Sevkan, we’ve already talked about this, I’m sorry!”
This time I couldn’t suppress the sigh.
“I know, and I know I can’t blame you for being slow to warm to him, but part of me thinks that if I wasn’t the only Venlil on the planet to make him feel welcome then maybe things wouldn’t have turned out like this!” I took a breath to steady myself.
Dad took a breath too. He leaned to the side and peered down the aisle between the seats, towards the cockpit where the pilot, a young man named Ryan, and Venmka were sitting. Vemnka had spent the first hour we’d been stuck in orbit asking Ryan just about every question she possibly could about the shuttle, humans, and earth. Then she fell asleep so suddenly he thought she’d fainted. I could still hear her snoring quietly.
“You are probably right. Unfortunately we do not all share Venmka’s contempt for danger.”
I flicked my tail in agreement and we sat there in silence for a moment. “Listen,” I started, “I’ve been thinking about how we’re going to explain what happened to this Mackenzie person.”
Dad leaned forward, a suspicious tilt to his ears. “What do you mean? What reason is there to conceal the truth?”
“Because we barely know anything about this guy, and I have no idea how he’ll react to the full story! He could freak out and kill you or something!” I tried to keep my tone even, but I could see dad tensing up in sympathy.
“I’ve yet to meet a predator that could kill me!” He said with a flex of his muscular legs, a little bravado creeping into his tone. “But I do see your point. What do you recommend we do?”
I was taken aback. “W-w-wait, you want to follow my lead?” I stuttered..
Dad’s thick tail curled around me and pulled me closer. “He was your friend, and this is your mission. You have the most experience with humanity, so I will defer to your expertise.”
That was basically Exterminator Dad for “I’m going to trust you with my life in this matter.” Warmth bloomed in my chest and I leaned into dad’s thick wool. The respect was nice.
After a moment, I continued. “Okay, um, I don’t think we need to actually lie to this Mackenzie guy about what happened. We just tell him we failed to prevent Erich’s death, and don't go into too much detail about it.”
I could feel dad shift uncomfortably. “I do not like the idea of keeping information from those who should be grieving.”
“Well, we don’t have to keep it a secret forever! According to the UN Relief Volunteer contracts we signed we’ll be living with him for half a local year at least. I think we should spend some time getting to know him first. That way we don’t just look like strangers who murdered his nephew through negligence then barged into his house.”
He turned his head and locked his lone emerald eye with My flowerbird blues. We held the gaze for a tense moment, then his tail tip bobbed in agreement. “Alright, that is a reasonable line of thinking. I will agree to this plan, with the condition that if I am pressed on the matter, I will not create new lies to hide behind.”
That sounded entirely fair. I bobbed my tail in agreement too. We both relaxed into the microgravity and floated there in our seats.
I broke the silence after a few minutes. “You know, you were a lot less resistant to this adventure than I thought you would be. Considering your job and all..”
“Mmm, after finding Erich’s body broken and inert on the sandstone at the base of the overlook I… recalled the last time I had seen someone throw themselves of a cliff in grief.” His voice was a quiet rumble, meant only for my ears. I leaned forward in my seat so I could also look out the window on the planet below.
“Tulma.” I whispered. “Did it look like this from orbit too?” His tail bobbed again, his eye refocusing on the smoke streaked earth below.
The Tulma colony was one of the most recent Venlil colonies to be totally destroyed by the Arxur. It was also the name of Dad’s original wife and Vemnka’s mother. She died there. My parents died there as well. Killed in a stampede. I was a pup at the time, barely weaned, if Dad and Vemnka hadn't found me among the corpses and carried me all the way to the spaceport I’d be just another raid statistic.
“Yes…” He faltered for a moment. “... And no. There was only one city on Tulma to burn… This is worse.”
Wow, that was more sympathy for the humans than I thought Dad was capable of! Wait, did he just imply-
KRRRSHK
"THIS IS YOUR PILOT RYAN CARTIER SPEAKING, I’D ASK THAT ALL PASSENGERS PLease strap themselves into the nearest convenient safety harness as we have been granted a mostly clear reentry vector. The ride may get bumpy, and I would hate to see my first Venlil passengers get turned into marmalade by turbulence, thank you!"
KRRRSHK
Questions for later I guess.
Memory transcription subject: Vemnka, Venlil Salvage Engineer 3rd class
Date [standardized human time]: October 23 2136
“What’s marmalade?” I asked, my head tilted.
“Jesus Lord!” Ryan jumped half way out of his seat. He probably would have cleared it if his leg hadn’t got snagged on the harness and left him hanging in the air. “I thought you were asleep!?”
“I was!” I yawned and rubbed my eyes. “Your intercom is really loud.” plus I wanted to see if Sev’s ‘stay quiet and don’t move and they forget you’re there’ theory was right. But I didn’t say that part out loud. I did note that it totally worked though, and filed it away with the rest of my future troublemaking plans.
“Yeah, I was playing music before I picked you guys up.”
“Aww, we could have been listening to human music this whole time?” I crossed my arms and let out an irritated huff.
“The UN asked me not to play you any, actually. But hey, it gave you the chance to ask all those questions!”
My irritation stopped being theatre, and I looked out the veiwscreen to the smoke streaked blue and green planet below. Oh yeah, because trying to hide your culture has worked out perfectly so far!
“Oh, yeah! Like what’s marmalade?” I beeped.
“You said it was gonna be my turn to ask questions after your little nap.”
“Aren’t we going into atmospheric re-entry soon?”
His eyes narrowed and a smile crept onto his face and into his voice.
“Oh, I’ve done this a million times now, ain’t no thang.”
“Ugh, fine.”
His hands took the controls and we started our descent. The shuttle shuddered as we plowed into the atmosphere and started shedding speed. The tips of my claws sank into the armrests a little as I gripped them for stability. Humans only just got grav plating, so basically none of their shuttles had gentle descent dampeners. We were going to slow down the old fashioned way, by scraping our collective tails against the atmosphere and hoping it slowed us down enough not to explode.
Ryan’s expression was calm and collected as he steered us through the upper atmosphere, absolutely unconcerned by the glowing red plasma flare that crept up from below the viewports. His calm was contagious, and I could feel myself relaxing as I watched him work the controls. If the oh so scary predator wasn’t worried about it, why should I be?
A [few minutes] later the shuddering stopped and the plasma flare subsided. Our straight dive through the atmosphere shifted to a lazy back and forth serpentine over Earth’s really REALLY big ocean.
Ryan let out a satisfied sigh and turned his head to me. “Alright, now that we’re done with that; question one! How do you see out of that tv static afro and how the hell do you fit it all in a spacesuit?”
I let out an amused whistle and bounced my curly wool ‘afro’ in my paws. It had the kind of bounce and luster that only the finest in cheap, bulk, 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner could provide, and I was quite proud of it.
“I make a couple of strategic trims around my eyes to clear my field of view, See?” I canted my head to the right and looked right at him through the woolless window. He looked back, and we locked eyes. We locked eyes and he grinned. Teeth and all. My heart hammered against and my breath quickened.
Sevkan had talked about the effect eye contact with a human had on him, how he’d panicked and almost fainted when Erich first came into their little dorm room. How it had taken him a couple hours to get used to it, and that he needed to get used to every new human individually.
It really didn’t help with the “Soft lil’ Sevvy” image he hated so much, and I had spent almost a whole [week] coming up with new ways to tease him about it. Then I met Erich and I understood what he meant. Making eye contact with a human was the craziest rush I’d ever experienced, and I’ve experienced some really crazy speh! Ryan was the 6th human I’d managed to lock eyes with, and the effect was the same for each one.
“There you are! Didn’t think I’d get to see your eyes at all!“ His eyes were the colour of lacquer nuts, and his teeth were straight and white. His pupils shifted faintly and he whipped his head back around to the viewscreen. “Shit, sorry, I forgot that freaked you guys out.” He apologized, the cheer gone from his voice.
“What? Oh!” I took a deep calming breath and pulled my claws out of the holes they’d pierced in the armrest’s upholstery. “No no no no! It’s fine! Don’t feel sad! I like it! It’s good scary! Like when you take a jump you’re not sure you can cross but halfway over you know you’re going to make it so you’re scared but also safe! Does that make sense?”
Ryan seemed to relax a little as I rambled. “Yeah, I think I get what you mean… You only answered the first half of my question though.”
Oh yeah, spacesuits!
“I use elastics to bundle it up and wool pins to keep it flat!” I answered. I always kept a handful of each in one of the compartments of my tool belt.
Ryan barked out a laugh. “Hah! Got any pictures of that highly dignified image?”
I scoffed. “Pfft, no! Why would I just give away potential blackmail like that?"
“I think you should be worrying about the blackmail I already got.” He drummed his fingers against the pocket on his ‘pants’ garment.
“What blackmail?”
He fished his video camera equipped phone out of his pocket and wiggled it at me with another toothy grin.
“You talk in your sleep…”
*You son of a…Gimmie that!”
I lunged ineffectually at him, still restrained by my crash harness.
“You answer some more questions and I won’t post this to social media.” He teased.
Huh, hadn’t thought about humans having social networks, but I guess it made sense. They were a lot more like us than the Arxur, and at this point it kinda seemed like the only thing they shared with the Greys was the whole eating meat thing. I didn’t really have a good point of comparison for the arxur though. Every time I’ve ever encountered one in person has involved gunfire, which really gets in the way of introductions. He's still looking at you for an answer Oh yeah!
I stuck my snoot as high in the air as it would go and with all the faux haughtiness I could manage, replied. “Fine, I shall concede to these harsh demands, you fiend! Anything to protect my reputation!”
Ryan had to pause to control his laughter. “Why am I taking you to a tiny backwoods town like Coldwater Bay? You didn’t answer when I first asked.”
Because its kinda awkward to explain the whole thing, hence all of Sevkan’s weird secrecy plans
“W-we’re uhh.” I cleared my throat. “Sevkan was part of the exchange program, but his human friend died the day of the bombing. ”
“What? Did he get mobbed or something?”
“No he..” My voice hitched as the three second slow motion clip of Erich falling off the overlook ran through my minds eye.
“He fell… We’re bringing his ashes back to his uncle. Then we're doing relief work with him I guess.” Maybe it affected me more than I thought.
“Yeah, that’s… rough, and admirable. I'd offer you a hug, but.” He drummed his fingers against the controls. His tone was sombre and understanding though. “Who’s the uncle?”
“His name is Andre Mackenzie, but I don-”
Ryan’s mood 180’d “Holy shit! You guys are here to see MacksDamage? No way!”
“You know him?” I asked.
He was getting more animated as he talked. “Yeah! Well, no, not personally. He’s kinda famous!”
“A famous guy called [The Most Possible Harm?]”
"It’s a jokey pun, not a scary title. People call him Mack and he had to get all that cybernetic reconstruction after the incident.”
Ooh, a mystery incident and scary mad science stuff! I leaned in as close as I could, eager to know more.
“What happened?”
“I don’t remember the whole story, been a while since I saw the movie. Something about the reactor on an icebreaker called the... Hadfield, I think. He stopped it from melting through the hull and poisoning like half the Atlantic. He got burned real bad doing it, and they had to replace like half his whole body.”
For a moment I imagined Erich’s uncle as some kind of gory techno monstrosity made of steel plates, guns, and meat. I shoved the tasteless image into the back of my mind and buried it. They’re not like that!
“I’d heard some of the humans in the exchange program had mechanical limbs…”
“Yeah, like those, except all his limbs, and probably more internal stuff. Wasn’t there info on him in the contact package?” Ryan asked.
“No, just a name and some vague stuff about ‘medical reconstruction.’ There wasn’t even any pictures!” I flailed my claws in annoyed emphasis.
Ryan laughed again. It was a hearty sound that filled the whole cabin. I liked it. Kinda loud though.
“That part doesn’t surprise me!” He said between guffaws. “The famous pictures of him are all…” He trailed off. “Heh, actually I’ll let him tell you! That’ll be more fun.”
“Aww c’mon! Spill it!” I whined.
“Nuh-uh, gonna have to ask him yourself.” He pointed out the window and across the expanse of water we’d been descending towards. “We’re almost there.”
Off in the distance I could just make out a ridge of high triangular points on the horizon. Mountains, tall and serrated jutted up from the ocean in a great ridge like a row of shadestalker teeth. As we closed in I could make out the individual peaks of sharp grey stone, capped with white and skirted by the darkest, densest, and mistiest looking forest I had ever seen. And I did two whole semesters on Nishtal!
Ryan guided the shuttle into a long circular course while he spoke through his headset to some port official. Pilot stuff, about bearing and vectors and flight paths and whatever. I was still focused on the terrain below!
The mountains went on and on and on in both directions all the way the horizon. What looked like river valleys from higher up were actually deep, sharp, Fjords! It was like the mountains were all bunched up against the coast and sliding into the sea in slow motion.
The only pockets of development I could see were tiny patches of buildings and concrete dotted sparsely along the coastlines of the mountain islands.
I guess that’s why this place looked so untouched. With so few people so spread out they would have been some of the last to go. Ugh, I can’t imagine being forced to wait for my own death like that.
I tore myself from the viewscreen and focused on Ryan’s conversation, just in time to catch the last of it.
I turned both ears to him and really focused. I could just barely make out the tinny voice of ground control through his headset. “UN Carryall you are advised to take the southbound approach to Coldwater Bay Air and Space port for VTOL landing. The wrecked Federation ship has a [2000 meter] wide no-fly zone around it. Some of its point defense systems are still online, so don’t get ventilated.”
That means their rangefinders are brahked. Probably landed on them.
“Acknowledged Tower Control, beginning final approach now.” Replied Ryan, and we dropped below the rim of the longest of the fjords. We gently banked along the coast, descending until the blocky patches of concrete below us grew into the familiar shapes of buildings and roads.
There, across the strait I could see the Federation ship they were talking about. Laid along the coast like a fat tourist on a beach towel was a big blocky Immolator class destroyer. Just looking at it made me grind my teeth.
t was surprisingly intact from what I could see, except for the [10 metre] wide hole bored through where their main gravity control centre was. With that brahked the ship would've just sink out of orbit. I hoped whoever made that amazing shot was alive to feel proud of it.
I also hoped there are survivors on board, I have... words for them.
I lost sight of the ship behind the great wall of trees, and moments later felt the distinct scrape-klunk sound of landing gear meeting concrete. I glanced over at Ryan, a bittersweet smile sat uneasily on his face.
“Welcome to Earth.”
Memory transcription subject: Kimmich, Head of Exterminator Special Investigations, Starside City, (on leave)
Date [standardized human time]: October 23 2136
Coldwater Bay, British Columbia, Earth
Earth was not what I had expected. Before today I had not seen any images of the planet since Exterminator training. Venlil Prime was right next to Earth, so it was appropriate that we were educated in the nature of the galaxy’s only other predatory species. Most of what they showed us had been grainy old videos of horrible conflict, fought in crater strewn wastelands of mud. Much like what we knew of the Arxur’s homeworld of Wriss. Even after contact had been made and Sevkan had joined the exchange program, I felt no reason to reassess this assumption.
Now that I stood upon it with my own two paws I felt… Lied to. Even the deepest and thickest of the forests on Venlil Prime paled in comparison to the way the greenery here exploded from every surface. Trees, ferns, creeping vines and dense shrubs all edged aggressively inwards from a great wall of dark green that surrounded the tarmac of the “Spaceport” we had landed at.
It gave me the impression that if the drones responsible for cutting them back ever failed, the rainforest would be very quick to reclaim this territory. Which means the predators either have no means to tame this tainted landscape, or they have no desire to. Either is troubling.
As the three of us collected what little luggage we had brought from the shuttle, I caught the rhythmic thunk of human shoes on a hard surface coming up behind me.
I wheeled on the sound and found myself staring down a thin human woman. Her head fur was a mess bound together by a metal straw, and her face was hidden behind one of the reflective silver masks the UN issued. She was shorter than I, by at least a [Decimetre,] and she was slight in comparison. Her pace hitched when she saw me move, no doubt re-evaluating whatever her attack strategy was.
That’s right, neither I nor my children will be an easy meal for you, predator.
She closed the last few meters and addressed me. “Are you…”
She looked down at her tablet computer, then back up at me.
“...Mr’s Kimmick’s party?”
Interesting. Her tone was business like. No fear, or deference, or mockery. Perhaps my threat display had established some kind of respect?
Vemnka and Sevkan both poorly stifled whistles of amusement at the mispronunciation. I shushed them with an irritated whip of my tail.
“Yes. I am Captain Kimmich.” I rumbled.
“Oh good!” Tension seemed to melt away from her form as she spoke. “I’ve been waiting here since noon! I’m Representative Kwon, I work with the UN’s Hazardous Recovery program.” She passed me her tablet computer. “Could you please verify your safe landing with a pawprint please?”
I slowly reached out and took her tablet from her. A quick inspection of the digital forms she wanted our marks on revealed them to be the typical paperwork one dealt with at any port. She collected our pawprints and processed them.
“Finally!” She sighed. “That’s the last arrival I need to be present for. Please, follow me.”
The three of us followed her off the wet tarmac and through the shed that passed for an arrivals terminal. Vemnka and Sevkan trailed behind me as I we were lead out the front door.
Parking lots looked the same no matter the species, especially empty ones. Only two vehicles remained in the lot. A two doored red car, and a large green industrial truck.
The whole truck thumped to the beat of a song too muffled to make out details of, and it had pictures of various predator foods laminated on the outside. I assumed the items I didn’t recognize as plants were meat dishes of some kind. There was a square pavilion tent attached to one side, and under it a picnic table. Some kind of steaming brass contraption sat atop it.
Representative Kwon lead us right up to the truck and bashed the fist against the steel grating on one side.
“Sergei! Open up! Is Mack coming by for food?” She shouted at the grate.
I heard several off rhythm thumps from inside the truck, then the music cut off. It was replaced by an awful, ear flattening screech as the grate lifted to reveal another human.
This one was male, but I couldn’t see his face. It was obscured by an off white filter mask and a pair of chrome lensed glasses.
“Kwon, [Blyat!] don’t you have any respect for a man's slacking off tiiiiiii…” He froze mid sentence as his gaze shifted from Kwon to the three of us.
His tone abruptly shifted. “Aha! Kwon you brought new guests!”
“They’re Andre’s guests Sergei. Is he coming by?” Asked Kwon.
‘Sergei’ pulled his phone from his pocket and poked at it. “Oh yes, he’s already placed an order. So, [30 minutes] maybe.”
Ah, this Sergei is the local flesh merchant. It makes sense such a person would personally know many high status members of this tribe.
“Oh good! Captain Kimmick, this is Sergei Karensky.” Kwon gestured between the two of us with her hands.
I ignored the mispronunciation of my name and flicked my tail in polite greeting at Sergei Karensky.
“Welcome to Coldwater Bay!” He chirped.
“Oh good, you’re already friends! Can you make sure they meet up with Mack, Sergei?” Grumbled Kwon.
“Not a problem! Not one bit!” he replied.
“Excellent. I’m going to pass out in the lobby now.” And with that Kwon stalked past me and back into the building. I heard the sound of something heavy landing on a creaky couch and then silence. I turned my attention back to Sergei Karensky.
He fidgeted slightly under my fixed gaze. “She’s been under a lot of stress the last week. Who isn’t?” He laughed awkwardly. I continued to stare.
“Uahhh, been a long trip! I imagine you’re hungry. Andre is coming by, so I need to make a bunch of chebureki, might as well make an even dozen, right?”
“We can not eat meat.” I stated flatly.
He let out a long, tired sigh. “We don’t eat just meat! I can make you chebureki without it!”
The first part of that was technically true. I hadn’t spent much time with Erich while he stayed with us, but I had kept track of his eating habits. The second part…
“What exactly are Chebureki, then?” I asked.
Sergei smiled behind that heavy filter mask and ducked away from the window. A side panel hinged open, revealing a door in the trucks side and a set of folded steel stairs. Sergei gave the stairs a solid kick and they extended to the ground in front of me with a shriek.
The food truck man then stood to the side with an inviting flourish of his arms.
“Please, come in! I’d be happy to show you!”
Aaaaand that's chapter 4! I had fun writing this, it was the first time I've written these characters outside of an insanely stressful situation. I'm not sure how well their personalities come across. Let me know how I did, and tune in for the next chapter! Which will feature: The first meeting!
FIRST / PREVIOUS / NEXT

Hello friends! I'm on a research trip in England and only brought a few perfumes with me, mostly old favorites to wear in evenings because I can't responsibly wear any perfume oil on my wrists when examining 500-year-old music books in the archives. (Because that is a thing I get to do!) I miss trying new scents, my sewing hobby, the rabbit I'm in the process of adopting, and my own bed...but I also get to work in such esteemed libraries as the British Library, the Bodleian, several of the Oxford college libraries, the Royal College of Music, and even Lambeth Palace and Westminster Abbey - plus we saw a fantastic Midsummer Night's Dream at the Globe, and I have tickets for the English National Ballet's Cinderella this weekend, so I'm absolutely not complaining! (I have also not yet had any fish and chips. That must be remedied soon.)
Anyway, I haven't been able to try new scents and participate in the Dailies, which is a bit of a bummer because I always love those conversations, but I do have a couple of sets of reviews I've been meaning to write up, so I'll snatch the time along this trip to put up a few review posts. First up: Nui Cobalt's recently-released Fairy Tales!
Some of my favorite Nui Cobalt perfumes come from the Fae Folk collection, especially Gargoyle, Pixie, and Kitsune (reviews of all 13 Fae Folk that I've tried are HERE). This year's new releases were Fairy Tales, a sort of sub-collection within the Fae Folk, and I had a ball (pun intended) trying the sample set. Here are my thoughts on the complete Fairy Tales, plus two more bonus Fae Folk (Feu Follet and Sphynx, which you lovely people convinced me to try).
Ordering specs: Nui Cobalt's website is easy to navigate, shipping is very affordable (please note that since the slight price increase this year, base shipping has gone up from $2.99 to $3.45, just fyi), items come very securely packed, and customer service is always spectacular. I don't think I've ever placed an order that took more than 2-3 business days to ship (and recently it has usually been literally the very next day). Samples are generous - 1.15 mls at least - in vials with wand caps. Each order comes with one free sample, chosen by them (there’s no box to insert requests).
Nui Cobalt's typical annual schedule of releases: (I [and especially Nui Cobalt] make no promises, of course, that these collections will recur; this is just in my experience)

• Late January - Valentines
• Late February - Bees, Celtic Treasures, Favorite Things
• Late March - April Fools
• Late April - Critters
• Late May - Fae Folk
• Late June - Big Island, Dances
• Late July - Witches' Utility Blends
• Late August - Autumn 1
• Late September - Autumn 2
• Late October - Astrology, Ascended Masters, Good & Evil
• Late November - Yule/Nutcracker
• Late December - Gamers & Geeks

My preferences: I especially love snuggly scents, incense, golden amber, cardamom, black tea, beeswax, non-gourmand vanillas, and white florals (particularly tiare, honeysuckle and tuberose; sadly I am allergic to lilies and jasmine doesn’t work on me). I don't like hay, overly sweet gourmands, excessive musk, dragon’s blood, leather, patchouli, labdanum, or any really dark scents in general. To my great devastation, Nui Cobalt’s apricot and pear notes don’t tend to work on me, though I haven’t given up hope and I continue to try new blends with those notes occasionally.
These perfumes were provided as press samples by Nui Cobalt in exchange for an honest review.

The complete Fairy Tales collection

Goldilocks Gets Busted for Breaking & Entering [Sugared porridge, sun-warmed wood, benzoin, honeysuckle, blush peony, foraged woodland berries, and plush couch cushions that have seen many snuggles] - Ohhhh...snuggly warm wonderful goodness! The cozy oatmeal note reminds me quite a bit of Pulp Fragrance Autumn Morning [Warm mug of hot chocolate, bowl of slightly spiced oatmeal, bouquet of carnations, and a cosy blanket on your lap], one of my autumnal holy grails. This one too is comforting cooked oats paired with plush snuggly fabric, and gentle wafts of floral in the background, but with wood and berry undertones instead of Autumn Morning's cocoa powder If you like Nui Cobalt's Crone's Cottage [Oatmeal cookies still warm from the oven, beeswax candles on the windowsill, a warm cup of strong black tea with milk, and a generous dollop of honey], you'll love this oatmeal note, though it's a bit less gourmand. Similarly, if you love the velvety suede in Blanket Fort [Cotton flower, grey suede, warm amber, green fig, tumbled teakwood, and raw vanilla bean], this will be a must-try for you, though Goldilocks is a much warmer scent than Blanket Fort, which to me is less sweet and more silky. The other one this reminds me ever-so-slightly of is White-Tailed Deer [Soft brown suede, golden musk, wild forest berries, and roasted chestnuts dusted with maple sugar] with the suede and berry combination, though White-Tailed Deer was a little too chestnut + leathery for me - but there's a little bit of overlap here. What a fantastic addition to NCD's catalog, and what a lovely depiction of the three bears and their "just right" porridge!
Thumbelina: Ace Dragonfly Pilot [Candied lime peel, silver needle tea, amber resin, benzoin, vanilla bean, almond butter, and a touch of clove bud] - A SUPER pretty lime-forward fragrance. It's a gelatinous, sugared lime rather than a tart, astringent lime, much like the lime curd note I smell in Prevaricating: Lychee Rose Gelee [A lovely bouquet of tart lychee, sugared rose, and a sprinkle of lime zest], backed by almond tart crust (but not buttery, thank goodness). The clove and amber base start emerging in the drydown, giving richness and depth. A stunner, and perfect for hot weather, though I wish I got more (any) white tea.
Snow White Leads a Dwarf Rebellion [Trampled apples, dragon’s blood resin, blackcurrant wine, creamy gardenia petals, pale vanilla, and freshly grated nutmeg] - I'm really, really afraid of dragon's blood, and its presence normally takes a perfume straight of my "want to try" list, but every so often I make a point to try things with my death notes, and getting the full sample pack of this collection offered me that chance! Snow White is juicy red apple and to my great astonishment, I don't hate the dragon's blood, which acts like a spice alongside the nutmeg. It's all darkly spiced apple at first, but in the drydown a warm vanilla and velvety gardenia petals come out too, and it's a truly gorgeous interpretation of Snow White. I think this will be a fall perfume for me, and it's going to sit beside Poesie Zitkala-Sa [Juicy apple, butterscotch and caramelized vanilla, rosewood, cedar, sweet clover] as the only other apple-centric perfume I own.
Cinderella Files for Emancipation [Dominican blue amber, forget-me-nots, white lotus, chilled coconut water, crystal musk, green cardamom pods, and a touch of clary sage] - Aquatic and floral, very blue, but also with the strongest NCD cardamom I've ever experienced, which, rather than feeling at odds with the gorgeous blue amber, harmonizes with it in counterpoint. Not a snuggly cardamom by any means, though - this is very much an aquatic. Husband gets watermelon, and I see where he's coming from even if I wouldn't identify a watermelon note myself.
Sleeping Beauty & the Importance of Consent [Night-blooming flowers, white amber, Hawaiian and Australian sandalwoods, olive leaf, and Madagascar vanilla] - An absolutely gorgeous base of sweet white amber and creamy sandalwood, with the faintest herbal-musty hint of olive leaf (which I recognize from my beloved The Mentor [Ancient sandalwood, well-worn linen, olive leaf, oakmoss, Earl Grey tea, and sacred temple incense]). Married to this base are the night-blooming flowers, which to my nose are moonflower, just as shimmery as in Crown of Hekate [Moonflower and myrrh over shining white amber on a pillow of sheer vanilla], and heady jasmine. I'm learning that I'm unusually sensitive to indoles in white florals, and for me this one hovers right at the edge - but I imagine most people won't find it so. If you like white florals, you should definitely try this one, because that white amber-sandalwood base is so incredibly pretty. In fact, I'm finding it so pretty that I'm adding this one to my collection even though the white florals are a little on the heady side for me!
Beauty & the Stockholm Syndrome Support Group [Spiced almond cookies, non-indolic jasmine, sacred benzoin, and rose petals scattered among shards of porcelain] - The almond and amber base reminds me of the Squirrels (all built on "A playful blend of almond and spiced apricot, grounded in rich benzoin and copaiba balsam"), but without the apricot. Instead, this adds a soapy white amber and a really lovely floral haze of white jasmine (fully non-indolic as promised) and a red, red rose. I don’t get any porcelain specifically. It's a really warm, feminine-coded scent, and I would definitely call it a fleurmand (but would also point out the prominent white amber, for folks who especially love or particularly dislike that note - personally I love NCD's white amber).
The Little Mermaid Chairs the Ocean Conservancy [Orchid flower, cerulean musk, humid tuberose, and bright yellow mimosa blooming along the Caribbean coastline] - It goes on with a sharp, bitter, almost herbal and bell-peppery note that I'm suspecting may be ambergris (or maybe that's how mimosa flower reads to my nose?), which is not really my thing but which does brilliantly for evoking the mermaid theme. To my relief that sharp opening is brief, and the scent relaxes into a humid blue floral with nothing of that pointed, herbal opening remaining. It's much closer to Aloha [Ocean musk entwined with garlands of neroli, tuberose, and vanilla orchid in the lush rainforest of the eastern shore] than to Merfolk [The mineral scent of sand, salt, and shells upon the mist, ambergris accord, turquoise musk, warm orris, olive trees, and neroli] but it will sit beside both of those in my summer perfumes.
Rapunzel's Donation to Locks of Love [Solar musk, golden patchouli, honey-simmered peaches touched with coriander and nutmeg, soft pink suede, macadamia butter, and barely a trace of peony] - Well done, my nose! Without remembering the notes, when I put this on my immediate reaction was "honeyed patchouli!" As indeed the notes description emphasizes. It's a very chewy patch, warm and sun-drenched, and really wearable for someone who (like me) is skittish of patchouli, probably because the patch is in partnership with the other spices. After about half an hour, the honeyed sweetness diminishes enough to let the peaches shine through, adding a juicy fruitiness that complements the golden patch beautifully. I don't get any suede, macadamia butter, or peony individually, but they no doubt contribute to the warm overall effect. I'm kind of shocked how much I liked this one.
The Esteemed & Venerable Order of Fairy Godmothers [Dry woods, ginger root, and frankincense give way to a heart of dark patchouli, nutmeg, and amber, then settle sweetly into black vanilla, fig, and tonka bean. The blend is further infused with Balm of Gilead, dragon’s blood resin, cardamom, koa, and Solomon’s Seal] - Where my test of Rapunzel gave me a glowing golden patchouli, this one is quite a dark, brazen patch: very much a witch's cottage. There's a lot going on here - that black patchouli first and foremost, plus spices that read as herbal rather than gourmand in this context, some incense and woods, and I can just barely get an underlying sweetish base of brown-sugary tonka and a faint fruitiness that must be the fig. There are a lot of notes here that really do meld into a harmonious whole, and it's remarkably evocative of powerful, old magic. Too much patch for my taste in the opening, but I think this is going to be a big hit with folks who like NCD's darker scents. For example, if you love Awaken the Witch [Leather bound grimoires on mahogany shelves. A cup of hot tea, subtly sweetened with vanilla bean and honey. Sandalwood incense mingling with black patchouli, cardamom, and coriander], you should definitely try this one. I like the drydown quite a bit more, when the black patch is less punchy and the vanilla-fig base becomes a little more present, mingling beautifully with the patch, spices, and woods. Thanks to that drydown, I'm actually (to my amazement!) planning to keep this to wear in autumn.

Returning Fae Folk

Feu Follet [Sultry southern magnolia, wild muscadine, creamy honeysuckle, and Spanish moss clinging to the trees] - I get sweet green grape, honeyed white florals, and musky, melon-like moss. Any problem I may have had with NCD's honeysuckle in the past in some of the Bees is not at all evident here; this is not at all candley but is instead a complex, humid scent that really does evoke languid hot southern evenings in the company of good friends and good wine.
Sphynx [Golden plum preserves, amber resin, warm santal, guaiac wood, frankincense, and a slender twist of yellow mandarin] - Fruity, woodsy, and warm! I'm going to love adding this to the "tawny" section of my autumn perfumes alongside Heliophilia (Love of Sun) [Molten amber, Arabian sandalwood, beach-tumbled teak, frankincense tears, crystallized ginger, and ripe tangerine], Crown [Regal amber, and heliotrope are gilded with benzoin, sunwashed teak, and a slice of ripe nectarine], and The Treasure [A deeply golden potion for sustained wealth and prosperity: sumptuous amber gilded with kumquat, hinoki, two sacred sandalwoods, blonde oud, raw honeycomb, a touch of apricot and a dash of ginger] (all close cousins to Sphynx). Despite the purpleness of the plums, Sphynx is really quite a yellow-golden scent thanks to the amber and mandarin, and I could swear I get some honey in this too.

Personally...

Several of the new Fairy Tales looked like full-size contenders for me (especially Goldilocks, Thumbelina, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty), but I always hesitate to blind-buy full-sizes, and also, I couldn't decide which of the ones that looked especially my style would be my biggest hits! I'm glad I waited, because Thumbelina turns out to be the true standout of this collection for me. But honestly I can recommend them all, whichever one has notes that speak most to you.
Overall, I'm wildly impressed at the wide-ranging yet consistently gorgeous Fairy Tales collection. They're all so different but all so pretty, and to my amazement, every. single. one. of them found a place in my perfume collection - even the ones with dragon's blood and patchouli! With the exception of the two very floral-forward scents, all of these Fairy Tales have turned out to be summer or fall perfumes for me, which is nice because it means I'll be wearing them again in the near future rather than putting them away for half a year.

Where these landed in my collection

• Thumbelina and Feu Follet are in my "Summer" section, specifically in the "Summer fruits" subsection
• Cinderella is in my "Summer" section, specifically in the "Aloe and dewy" subsection
• The Little Mermaid is in my "Summer" section, specifically in the "Spa-like and breezy" subsection
• Rapunzel is in my "Transition from summer to fall" section
• Goldilocks is in my "Fall" section, specifically in the "Cozy" subsection
• Snow White and Fairy Godmothers are my "Fall" section, specifically in the "Dark academia" subsection
• Sphynx is in my "Autumn" section, specifically in the "Tawny" subsection
• Sleeping Beauty and Beauty are in my "Florals" section

TL;DR: strapping farmer seeks intelligent, creative partner for homesteading, community-building, and enjoying life on this pale blue dot.
Hello there! I'm looking for a partner for what will doubtless be the the craziest thing I ever do: my goal in life is to get a piece of land, build a home, and homestead off the grid with as little fossil fuel use as possible. When I dream about my future it involves hand tools, donkey carts, and composting toilets. Over the long term, I would want my partner to fit into this life in either of the following ways:

• As a full partner in homesteading, working with me to produce a livelihood from the land and contribute our gifts to our community, OR
  
• As my anchor to contemporary society, working a more normal job and probably owning a real vehicle. Here I would be a homemaker on (metaphorical) steroids, providing food and supplementary income in addition to keeping house.
  

If either of those options sound like a great time to you, please read on!

About Me

I am a Luddite who makes a hobby of niche computing, a dreamer with an analytical bent, a blue-collar guy who rejected his white-collar upbringing. I lived a few different lives before settling on "farmer", but I feel now, for the first time, that I've found my calling. I spent seven months living off-grid in the rainforest, and am now apprenticing on an organic vegetable farm in a more temperate climate. I plan to work and learn on other folks' farms for a few more years to build up the money and experience I will need to make my own farmstead a reality.
Please know that I will likely never be a high-income earner, but will be fully capable of being a serious provider in more direct ways.
I'm a reserved and reflective kind of fellow, but I will talk enthusiastically about a wide variety of subjects. I love the outdoors deeply, and value living in a beautiful place. I have a strong appreciation for both arts and handcrafts, and am an amateur in a broad range of hobbies and disciplines. Right now I've been doing a lot of baking and fermenting, and not quite enough of playing my banjo. When I find the time, I am a voracious reader, particularly of nonfiction and philosophy. I don't keep up much with television, anime, or video games anymore, though I was quite involved with those as a younger person (read: totally a recovering weeb). I traveled widely as a kid, but am now trying to figure out where to settle and put down roots; Virginia is leading the pack right now, but I am open to suggestion here.
Humor-wise, my tendency is to catch you off-guard with a funny face, make a terrible pun, or pull out the dustiest, most ancient reference for the situation. I laugh easily myself and love dry, sharp humor.
Physically, I'm 6'3" and was about 240 lbs at last check. I'm no swimsuit model, but have broad shoulders, strong legs, and a modest belly--a sort of "farmer fit" body. I'm on the browner side of white, and wear a mustache and glasses. My hairline gave up on me pretty early, so I'm usually bald or buzzed up top. I used to wear a beard, and may go back to that if my inner caveman gets insistent enough. I have rather serious body hair that is not going anywhere, as well. Basically I'm the answer to all of your lumberjack fantasies.
When it comes to relationships, I tend to be the nurturing type. If you need someone who will demand a lot of you and constantly push you, I'm not it. If you need a supportive rock who will give you the honest truth and will challenge you when it's the right thing to do, I might just be your huckleberry. Once I am comfortable with a partner, I become very cuddly and physically affectionate.
I prioritize open communication, shared values, and mutual respect in close relationships. I think great relationships are made, not found, and that love is more of a verb that it is a noun. There has to be a baseline level of chemistry on at a least a few levels, of course, but I don't expect or need to go head-over-heels rainbow-drinking ga-ga over you in order for things to work. That stuff is really nice and feels amazing, but it goes away over time. Much better, in my book, to build something great together, and all the rest is icing on the cake.
I am open to having children, but only once I am completely confident in both the relationship and our logistical/economic situation. Adopting and just not having kids at all are both on the table for me.

About You

I am looking for someone who would be an enthusiastic partner in the sort of life I've outlined above. I tend to be attracted to women who are confident, fairly high-energy, and who have a serious zest for life. I have a pretty even keel, and can be a good balance for someone a little more on the wild side. That said, I have a good track record of partnering with more introverted women, so those are by no means requirements.
I do want my potential partner to have an appreciation for the outdoors, and a love of some sorts of arts, crafts, or culture. I would like for my partner to be reasonably fit--again, I'm no model and don't expect you to be, but being in decent shape is a big plus for me. Another big plus is the ability to talk at some length about philosophical, social, spiritual, or political ideas.
I'm drawn to women who are comfortable in their own skin. My past partners have often had little time for makeup, leg-shaving, and the like. So long as you're reasonably fit and healthy, your body type matters little to me--hair type/color, the size of your boobs/butt, the sharpness/softness of your features are not categorically important to me. I have a few dealbreakers. If you identify as a Republican or (especially) a Trump supporter, I'm out. I won't close the door entirely on other flavors of (non-fascist) conservatism, but we will get along best if you are somewhere on the left side of the spectrum. If you're a tankie, though, that probably won't work too well either.
Unfortunately I'm painfully straight, so I'm only looking for cis women, though any sexual orientation is fine.
Please be between 23 and 37 years of age. All heights and races are welcome.

In Conclusion

Your potential straw-hat-wearing furry-faced homemaker stud is just a reddit DM away. Please use messages instead of the chat feature. Your picture gets mine. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thank you for reading, and if you pass on this one, happy hunting out there =)

I think Africa has some countries that lack good stereotypes/jokes/tropes in Polandball. I've been trying to gather some for each country.
Could you help me out suggest other ones or confirm/reject the ones I've got?

Country	Stereotypes	Status
Algeria	French, desert, Oil reserves (and is in OPEC), Berbers, historic barbary pirates, name means "the islands" but it's mostly desert	weak
Angola	Oil reserves, most expensive place to live in Africa, German influence and investment (instead of Chinese), corrupt, human rights violator	weak
Benin	Voodoo, benis(?), malaria(?), not related to historical Benin (stole the name from Nigeria), historically big slave traders, Benin amazons	ok
Botswana	Robot, doing well in African terms (high GDP), Diamonds, AIDS, Elephants, poaching, click language	Good
Burkina Faso	Terrorism, formerly Marxist, Chinese influence, Burkina "fatso"	weak
Burundi	genocide, rural, poor, unhappy, malaria (?), drumming (?)	weak
Côte d'Ivoire	Cacao, looks like Irish flag, elephants, poaching, French, Trafficking	ok
Cabo Verde	Hurricanes, stable, free press, tourist destination	ok
Cameroon	Tribalism, soccer, breast ironing, Anglophone/Francophone conflict	ok
Central African Republic	automobile, civil war with child soldiers, shortlived empire that bankrupted nation	weak
Chad	Gigachad, Lake Chad drought, French, terrorism, poor, Israeli relations, Great Toyota War, same flag as Romania	weak
Comoros	Arab, muslim, claims Mayotte, volcanos, big marraiges, bad income inequality	ok
Democratic Republic of the Congo	Colonial history with Belgium (hands etc.), Unstable with civil wars and coups, resource rich with gold and minerals, Doctor (DR Congo), rainforests, gorillas, Ebola, natural disasters, Mobutu, dislikes Rwanda	Good
Djibouti	Muslim, important harbor location, booty pun, military bases	weak
Egypt	Pyramids, pharaoh, ancient history, Suez canal, camels, the Nile	Good
Equatorial Guinea	Rich, oil, Spanish, not on equator, dictatorship, weird capital on an island, had genocidal dictator that liked Hitler and Kim Il-Sung, capital is being moved to mainland	Good
Eritrea	No freedom of press, psychopathic, violence, persecution, slavery, emmigration, cycling, italian	Good
Eswatini	absolute monarchy, eswaTINY, shields (from flag), recent renaming	weak
Ethiopia	Famine, good food, not colonized, coffee, christian, growing economy, ancient history and kingdom, Italian invasion	Good
Gabon	rainforests, oil, french colony, not that poor, forestry, elephants and poaching, gorillas, drug trade pit stop, tribes, soccer	weak
Gambia	River, long and thin like the shape of the country, Latvian colonization	weak
Ghana	Cacao production to Swiss Nestle, Gold, not part of Ghanan empire, economic growth, kente cloth, Adinkra symbols, Weird movie posters for western movies	weak
Guinea	Guinea pigs (?), very typical African, Bauxite export?, first French colony to gain independence	weak
Guinea-Bissau	Cashew nuts, unstable government, muslim, portugese	weak
Kenya	Athletic, rich wildlife, safaris, poaching, anti homosexuality, has somali refugees, spears and shields from flag	ok
Lesotho	tumor of South Africa, diamonds, mountains/highlands with snow and skiing and freshwater sources, AIDS, high murder rate, low life expectancy	weak
Liberia	Funny state/county flags, not colonized, US influence/mini USA, Ebola, 2 big civil wars	Good
Libya	conflict (civil war), bad hub for refugees, oil (reserves and is in OPEC)	weak
Madagascar	Lemurs, vanilla, cacao, plague & Plague Inc (shut down everything meme), Austronesian, baobab trees, warlords(?), Dreamworks movie & penguins therefrom	ok
Malawi	Lake Malawi, Chinese investment, kid (has a young population), tobacco producer	ok
Mali	Richest in history (Mansa Musa), Timbuktu ancient city, coups, sand, G5 Sahel money from EU, French, sounds like mail	ok
Mauritania	slavery, G5 Sahel EU money, smiling like a psychopath, muslim, time traveler, desert	weak
Mauritius	Paradise, beaches, extinct Dodo bird, turtles, Claims Chagos Archipelago from UK	Good
Morocco	being the devil (pentagram flag), occupying West Sahara, souk markets, cannabis (exporting and consuming), camels, phosphorous	Good
Mozambique	AK47 (from flag), islamist insurgency and IS terrorism, floods and natural disasters, Portugese	weak
Namibia	German influence (and genocide), sand dunes, skeleton coast, once part of South Africa	weak
Niger	sound close to the N-word, G5 Sahel EU money, Uranium, overpopulation, very low HDI, terrorism, deser	weak
Nigeria	Nollywood movies, Afrobeat music, Nigerian prince scam, good with computers and internet, oil, intelligent, popular African country, Boko Haram terrorism	Good
Republic of the Congo	Belgiuan opression, Chinese investment and neo-colonialism, Ebola, snake problem, Pygmy culture	weak
Rwanda	genocide, tensions with Burundi, mountain gorillas, delivery drones, dislikes DR Congo	weak
Sao Tome and Principe	Chocolate and cocoa, sinking because of climate change, Chinese and Macau investment, shark fishing, Sao Tome being much better off than Principe	ok
Senegal	dislikes Gambia because of no access to river, wrestling, wind farms, Casamance separatist movement	weak
Seychelles	tourism, paradise island, gay (because of rainbow flag), highest HDI in Africa, tax haven, coral reefs, turtles	ok
Sierra Leone	Blood diamonds, iron ore, malaria, ebola	weak
Somalia	Piracy, terrorism, famine, Somaliland separatism, Middle Juba having lowest GDI worldwide	Good
South Africa	racial tensions and apartheid, crime, rape, anti immigration, vuvuzelas, braai bbq, British, high homicide rates and income inequality, penguins	ok
South Sudan	Youngest nation, civil war, oil, the Nile	weak
Sudan	Pyramids, the Nile, conflict, coups, dislikes South Sudan, border disputes with Egypt and Ethiopia	weak
Tanzania	Peaceful, animals, safari, rhino poaching, mount Kilimanjaro, Swahili, hakuna matata/hamna shida, Lake Malawi border dispute with Malawi, Chinese investment, athletic (running)	ok
Togo	German then French colony, one of the saddest countries, voodoo (vodun)	weak
Tunisia	Muslim, terrorism (ISIS), vacation spot, Carthage, democracy, Mediterranean culture, oliv oil (?)	weak
Uganda	Gorillas, homophobic (eat da poopoo, y r u gay?), Ugandan Knuckles, Who killed captain Alex? memes, Lake Victoria, Bananas	Good
Zambia	space program, animals (it's one big zoo), sad a bout a dead fish, Zombie-a, loving escalators, China and IMF monetary support, Victoria Falls, copper(?)	ok
Zimbabwe	inflation, balancing rocks, great Zimbabwe ruins, tried to remove white people (farmers)	ok

I have categorized them in three statuses weak/ok/Good depending on how interesting I think the tropes are and how many PB jokes I can remember with each country.
Many countries have duplicate tropes like "desert", "oil", "Chinese investment"... which aren't very interesting.
edit: added some missing countries and will try to update main table from the comments.

TL;DR: strapping farmer seeks intelligent, creative partner for homesteading, community-building, and enjoying life on this pale blue dot.
Hello there! I'm looking for a partner for what will doubtless be the the craziest thing I ever do: my goal in life is to get a piece of land, build a home, and homestead off the grid with as little fossil fuel use as possible. When I dream about my future it involves hand tools, donkey carts, and composting toilets. Over the long term, I would want my partner to fit into this life in either of the following ways:

• As a full partner in homesteading, working with me to produce a livelihood from the land and contribute our gifts to our community, OR
  
• As my anchor to contemporary society, working a more normal job and probably owning a real vehicle. Here I would be a homemaker on (metaphorical) steroids, providing food and supplementary income in addition to keeping house.
  

If either of those options sound like a great time to you, please read on!

About Me

I am a Luddite who makes a hobby of niche computing, a dreamer with an analytical bent, a blue-collar guy who rejected his white-collar upbringing. I lived a few different lives before settling on "farmer", but I feel now, for the first time, that I've found my calling. I spent seven months living off-grid in the rainforest, and am now apprenticing on an organic vegetable farm in a more temperate climate. I plan to work and learn on other folks' farms for a few more years to build up the money and experience I will need to make my own farmstead a reality.
Please know that I will likely never be a high-income earner, but will be fully capable of being a serious provider in more direct ways.
I'm a reserved and reflective kind of fellow, but I will talk enthusiastically about a wide variety of subjects. I love the outdoors deeply, and value living in a beautiful place. I have a strong appreciation for both arts and handcrafts, and am an amateur in a broad range of hobbies and disciplines. Right now I've been doing a lot of baking and fermenting, and not quite enough of playing my banjo. When I find the time, I am a voracious reader, particularly of nonfiction and philosophy. I don't keep up much with television, anime, or video games anymore, though I was quite involved with those as a younger person (read: totally a recovering weeb). I traveled widely as a kid, but am now trying to figure out where to settle and put down roots; Virginia is leading the pack right now, but I am open to suggestion here.
Humor-wise, my tendency is to catch you off-guard with a funny face, make a terrible pun, or pull out the dustiest, most ancient reference for the situation. I laugh easily myself and love dry, sharp humor.
Physically, I'm 6'3" and was about 240 lbs at last check. I'm no swimsuit model, but have broad shoulders, strong legs, and a modest belly--a sort of "farmer fit" body. I'm on the browner side of white, and wear a mustache and glasses. My hairline gave up on me pretty early, so I'm usually bald or buzzed up top. I used to wear a beard, and may go back to that if my inner caveman gets insistent enough. I have rather serious body hair that is not going anywhere, as well. Basically I'm the answer to all of your lumberjack fantasies.
When it comes to relationships, I tend to be the nurturing type. If you need someone who will demand a lot of you and constantly push you, I'm not it. If you need a supportive rock who will give you the honest truth and will challenge you when it's the right thing to do, I might just be your huckleberry. Once I am comfortable with a partner, I become very cuddly and physically affectionate.
I prioritize open communication, shared values, and mutual respect in close relationships. I think great relationships are made, not found, and that love is more of a verb that it is a noun. There has to be a baseline level of chemistry on at a least a few levels, of course, but I don't expect or need to go head-over-heels rainbow-drinking ga-ga over you in order for things to work. That stuff is really nice and feels amazing, but it goes away over time. Much better, in my book, to build something great together, and all the rest is icing on the cake.
I am open to having children, but only once I am completely confident in both the relationship and our logistical/economic situation. Adopting and just not having kids at all are both on the table for me.

About You

I am looking for someone who would be an enthusiastic partner in the sort of life I've outlined above. I tend to be attracted to women who are confident, fairly high-energy, and who have a serious zest for life. I have a pretty even keel, and can be a good balance for someone a little more on the wild side. That said, I have a good track record of partnering with more introverted women, so those are by no means requirements.
I do want my potential partner to have an appreciation for the outdoors, and a love of some sorts of arts, crafts, or culture. I would like for my partner to be reasonably fit--again, I'm no model and don't expect you to be, but being in decent shape is a big plus for me. Another big plus is the ability to talk at some length about philosophical, social, spiritual, or political ideas.
I'm drawn to women who are comfortable in their own skin. My past partners have often had little time for makeup, leg-shaving, and the like. So long as you're reasonably fit and healthy, your body type matters little to me--hair type/color, the size of your boobs/butt, the sharpness/softness of your features are not categorically important to me. I have a few dealbreakers. If you identify as a Republican or (especially) a Trump supporter, I'm out. I won't close the door entirely on other flavors of (non-fascist) conservatism, but we will get along best if you are somewhere on the left side of the spectrum. If you're a tankie, though, that probably won't work too well either.
Unfortunately I'm painfully straight, so I'm only looking for cis women, though any sexual orientation is fine.
Please be between 23 and 37 years of age. All heights and races are welcome.

In Conclusion

Your potential straw-hat-wearing furry-faced homemaker stud is just a reddit DM away. Please use messages instead of the chat feature. Your picture gets mine. Hope to hear from you soon!
Thank you for reading, and if you pass on this one, happy hunting out there =)

I was kind of sad that the Don't Starve soundtrack on Steam didn't include the music from Hamlet or DST but a few days ago I found that the Hamlet soundtrack is available on Soundcloud. While this is nice, all the song titles just look like placeholder names. I decided to try and theory craft new titles for a few of the songs in Hamlet.
Temperate Season:
Work: Earn Your Keep / Riches To Rags (The former name is just an expression that means to work for your rewards. It's ironic because survival is a lot of work for anybody. The latter is just a reversal of "rags to riches", referencing how this is the third time Wilson has been forcibly pulled from his comfort zone)
Fight: Squire Up (a pun on "square up" meaning to get ready to fight and squire meaning a knight in training. Based on the lackluster quality of the royal guards. I'm really proud of this one!)
Rainforest: Law Of The Jungle (just another expression similar to survival of the fittest. Kind of drew a blank on this one)
​
Humid Season:
Work: Throw On The Towel (based on the expression "throwing in the towel" meaning to give up. Referencing the wetness of the fog and the rainforest)
Fight: Letting Off Steam (an expression that means to get rid of anger. Referencing the fog again)
Rainforest: Bad Shower Thoughts (rainforests tend to have a lot of showers, and it would be especially bad during humid season)
​
Lush Season:
Work: Sick Leaves (a pun on "sick leave" and leaves. Lush season is when everything blooms, and maybe a vague reference to Wormwood?)
Fight: Beat The Snot Out Of Your Sinuses (common fighting expression + sinus referencing hay fever)
Rainforest: Jungled Ears Nose And Throat (Jungled means to be drunk. Almost kind of like being sick? Ears Nose and Throat are the parts that get affected by hay fever and those parts are all connected)
What do you think? I know there are a few old song references in the Don't Starve Soundtrack but I couldn't come up with any on account of me not being familiar with them. I know I drew a blank on a few of them but I kind of want to see what other ideas you guys have.