Bewegende smileys blackberry

I hadn't seen one up yet and I'm finally free to couch tour tonight so I thought what the heck! Here's your setlist thread for Billy Strings in Atlanta tonight, live from State Farm Arena. The show is free to stream on Nugs for subscribers with video, and *I believe* free for all to audio stream with just a Nugs login.
Doors: 6:30 EST
Show: 7:30 EST
Show Poster: Matt Leunig
Official Stream: Nugs.net Audio
Setlist Resources: BillyBase, bmfsdb
Preshow Jams:
Kitchen Dwellers new record Seven Devils
Jerry Garcia Band - Capitol Theatre 03/01/1980
Preshow Mix on Twitch
Billy Strings 11/17/2023 Manchester Academy
SET ONE [8:09 PM EST - 9:18 PM EST]
Hollow Heart >
Blackberry Blossom (Traditional) 61 Show Gap
Must Be Seven (!!!) >
Secrets
Hellbender
I'll Remember You Love In My Prayers (Will S. Hays) >
On The Line >
Train 45
The Baggage Coach Ahead (for Billy's mom) 201 Show Gap
New Camptown Races (Frank Wakefield) >
Unwanted Love (Reno & Smiley and The Gang)
My Alice
Escanaba
John Deere Tractor (Larry Sparks)
Dig A Little Deeper In The Well (Oak Ridge Boys) (!!!)
SET TWO [9:42 PM EST - 10:52 PM EST]
Let The Cocaine Be (Billy Solo) 92 Show Gap
I Told Them All About You (Billy Solo) 83 Show Gap
Country Blues (Billy Solo, clawhammer banjo)
Dos Banjos (Dos Billys)
Running The Route (Full Band) >
So Many Miles% (BMFF Lead Vocals) (!!!) >
Dealing Despair
Love & Regret
Black Clouds% (String Cheese Incident)
My Little Georgia Rose (Bill Monroe) 95 Show Gap
ENCORE
Standing In The Need Of Prayer (Around the Can)
Richard Petty (Around the Can)
% Jessica by Allman Brothers Band tease
CHECK INS:
Philadelphia PA, Augusta GA, Nashville, BFE Indiana, NOLA, Carolina, Train > 106, Walkin' into State Farm, PIT, Holualoa Big Island, 107, Windsor Ontario Canada, OKC, Medford NJ, Belle Haven VA, Beagle Barn, Cary, Tuxedo NC, Couch in Detroit, Lafayette Indiana, Indy, KC KS, Lutherville MD, Ohio, Texas, Hancock NY, Atlanta 40 weeker, Billadelphia, Twin Cities MN, Springfield DOH, Franklin TN, Breckenridge CO, 119, Lexington KY, Oxford MS, Columbus OH, Austin TX, Georgia Natural Gas Greener Life® Loft Suites, Conifer CO, Mobile AL, Cuse, Maine, San Diego CA, Colorado Springs CO, Chicago Burbs, Traverse City, Starkville MS, St Paul, Mamaroneck NY, Idaho, nola, Central KY, Southwest Chicago Burbs, Pittsburgh, Winston Salem, Western KY, Asheville, State Farm, West Texas, Nashville, Western Kentucky, Row C, New Jersey, St. Paul, Dayton OH, Richmond VA, Floor Alex Side

Three greasy Misfit’s-style black devil-locks on young heads glistened in the Nevada sun.
The guys had cigarette-burn-laden band t-s, DC skate shoes that were never tied and size zero through four girl jeans that perfectly showcased how much earlier girls mature physically than do boys at that age range.
The park had a thin circumference of green grass, some unimposing trees and then as far as one could see was a sepia-toned desert that hazily underscored a vague precipice of blue and white mountains.
Their girlfriends sat with their legs hanging into the cement bowl at the skatepark.
They gazed at their shoes to shoe-gaze songs on their iPods and smoked newport 100’s that somebody stole from a stepparent.
Jack and Finn dropped into the bowl for the first time of the afternoon.
Vercin was sitting at the top of the bowl in the shade near his girlfriend who was getting very excited every time Finn would grind a rail or do a kickflip.
Vercin was oblivious to the whisperings and giggles of the three girls to his left beacuse to his right and above, was a telephone wire.
It was always hard to tell exactly what Vercin was looking at at any given time because he basically lived with limousine black sunglasses on his face, but since he was looking up, it was apparent to his younger brother that he was doing the staring thing again.
“What are you looking at?”
There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
“Birds.”
“Those birds?”
“Yeah.”
Vercin realized internally that he was being weird again.
He put on a Mona Lisa smile and attempted to focus on what the group was up to and feigned giving his attention to the conversation around him and tried to follow their occasional laughter with his own appropriately.
It wasn’t two minutes before Vercin was caught staring at the birds on the wire again.
“Babe, I’m getting hungry. Did you bring the sandwiches I made earlier?”
“Aaaa. shit. No... I didn’t... Fuck. Well, I got cigs so I guess it’ll be just like lunch at highschool.” Finn said.
Jack sat at the picnic table on the lawn and proceeded to remove the filter from a Camel Turkish Gold and then ate it.
“I need salt.” Jack said.
Finn's Girlfriend, Ember, opened her backpack and handed everyone a sandwich and bag of chips, everyone except for Jack who refused and explained that he had just eaten, then placed a new smoke between his lips.
“Babe. Wow. You’re the best!”
“I know, babe.”
“Awww. SunChips? The fuck? I take that back. Who even are you?”
Jack lit the filter of the cig in his mouth and when the brothers laugh at him for the mistake, he keeps a straight face and pretends to smoke it as if it was all a part of his plan until he suddenly vomits into the grass.
Nobody was ever phased when Jack puked because just about every lunch at school, someone from class paid him their lunch money to eat or do something gross.
“You good, Jack?”
Finn sat next to his friend and changed the cd in the boombox to The Offspring’s “Smash.”
“Yeah, dude.” Jack said as he finally uses a cigarette the way it was intended to be used.
“Wait..What the hell is that?” Jack says, looking at Finn like he has a scorpion in his hair and slowly leaning in and poised to smash it. Finn was terrified of bugs and felt his skin crawl and a sinking in his guts.
Instead of slapping Finn, Jack reached behind Finns left ear and made a Marb Red appear, which is Finn’s brand, then stuffs it in the breast pocket of Finn’s thin and worn flannel over-shirt, filter side first.
Finn threatened to slap Jack for freaking him out and was half humored by the trick but equally pissed off about it.
“No seriously what is THAT?”
Everyone looks up.
“What?” Ember says, followed by the other girls.
“I don’t know but Vercin sure thinks it’s interesting.”
Natty, Verse's girlfriend sighs and says, while rolling her eyes. “Yeah. He…uh. Does that.”
“Yeah. He digs birds. Leave him alone, guys. Right, Vers?” Finn says.
“Yeah. I dig birds. Leave me alone, guys.”
Natty produces her razor flip-phone and if there is such thing as texting in a sassy tone, physically, she did that, her head moving left and right like a peacock, silently saying “Oh no you di-ent… talk-to-the-hand” and finger snaps.
“Looks like we’re both dating the same guy. Can we switch sometime? I like yours better”
Ember reads the message on her blackberry and smiles.
She begins to reply but Finn starts coughing violently.
He had absent-mindedly lit the Marb in his flannel and inhaled black smoke from the melted filter.
During Finn’s coughing fit he was trying to get Jack off of him because Jack was trying to embrace Finn and burp him like a baby.
The girls were dying and even Vercin was present and laughing.
Ember gets a text from Natty.
“OMG Girl.”
“Look. Ten o’clock.”
“It’s ten forty-two. ????”
Finn grabs a smoke and lights a bic lighter
“Babe. Excuse me…ehem…what do you keep looking at over there”
“You know that’s a dude right?” Natty interrupted.
The person held Finn’s gaze until for a timeless while before the moment was interrupted by the yellow plastic lighter in his hand burning his thumb for having been lit for too long.
“Hey. Remember me? I’m Ember, your girlfriend. You know… the one with the vagina and stuff?”
“Nothin’…smiley faces.”
With that, Finn picks the lighter up off the grass, and uses the super-heated metal part on the top to brand the top of his left forearm.”
“What the fuck!” Ember shouts.
“See. Looks like a smiley face.”

Three greasy Misfit’s-style black devil-locks on young heads glistened in the Nevada sun.
The guys had cigarette-burn-laden band t-s, DC skate shoes that were never tied and size zero through four girl jeans that perfectly showcased how much earlier girls mature physically than do boys at that age range.
The park had a thin circumference of green grass, some unimposing trees and then as far as one could see was a sepia-toned desert that hazily underscored a vague precipice of blue and white mountains.
Their girlfriends sat with their legs hanging into the cement bowl at the skatepark.
They gazed at their shoes to shoe-gaze songs on their iPods and smoked newport 100’s that somebody stole from a stepparent.
Jack and Finn dropped into the bowl for the first time of the afternoon.
Vercin was sitting at the top of the bowl in the shade near his girlfriend who was getting very excited every time Finn would grind a rail or do a kickflip.
Vercin was oblivious to the whisperings and giggles of the three girls to his left beacuse to his right and above, was a telephone wire.
It was always hard to tell exactly what Vercin was looking at at any given time because he basically lived with limousine black sunglasses on his face, but since he was looking up, it was apparent to his younger brother that he was doing the staring thing again.
“What are you looking at?”
There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
“Birds.”
“Those birds?”
“Yeah.”
Vercin realized internally that he was being weird again.
He put on a Mona Lisa smile and attempted to focus on what the group was up to and feigned giving his attention to the conversation around him and tried to follow their occasional laughter with his own appropriately.
It wasn’t two minutes before Vercin was caught staring at the birds on the wire again.
“Babe, I’m getting hungry. Did you bring the sandwiches I made earlier?”
“Aaaa. shit. No... I didn’t... Fuck. Well, I got cigs so I guess it’ll be just like lunch at highschool.” Finn said.
Jack sat at the picnic table on the lawn and proceeded to remove the filter from a Camel Turkish Gold and then ate it.
“I need salt.” Jack said.
Finn's Girlfriend, Ember, opened her backpack and handed everyone a sandwich and bag of chips, everyone except for Jack who refused and explained that he had just eaten, then placed a new smoke between his lips.
“Babe. Wow. You’re the best!”
“I know, babe.”
“Awww. SunChips? The fuck? I take that back. Who even are you?”
Jack lit the filter of the cig in his mouth and when the brothers laugh at him for the mistake, he keeps a straight face and pretends to smoke it as if it was all a part of his plan until he suddenly vomits into the grass.
Nobody was ever phased when Jack puked because just about every lunch at school, someone from class paid him their lunch money to eat or do something gross.
“You good, Jack?”
Finn sat next to his friend and changed the cd in the boombox to The Offspring’s “Smash.”
“Yeah, dude.” Jack said as he finally uses a cigarette the way it was intended to be used.
“Wait..What the hell is that?” Jack says, looking at Finn like he has a scorpion in his hair and slowly leaning in and poised to smash it. Finn was terrified of bugs and felt his skin crawl and a sinking in his guts.
Instead of slapping Finn, Jack reached behind Finns left ear and made a Marb Red appear, which is Finn’s brand, then stuffs it in the breast pocket of Finn’s thin and worn flannel over-shirt, filter side first.
Finn threatened to slap Jack for freaking him out and was half humored by the trick but equally pissed off about it.
“No seriously what is THAT?”
Everyone looks up.
“What?” Ember says, followed by the other girls.
“I don’t know but Vercin sure thinks it’s interesting.”
Natty, Verse's girlfriend sighs and says, while rolling her eyes. “Yeah. He…uh. Does that.”
“Yeah. He digs birds. Leave him alone, guys. Right, Vers?” Finn says.
“Yeah. I dig birds. Leave me alone, guys.”
Natty produces her razor flip-phone and if there is such thing as texting in a sassy tone, physically, she did that, her head moving left and right like a peacock, silently saying “Oh no you di-ent… talk-to-the-hand” and finger snaps.
“Looks like we’re both dating the same guy. Can we switch sometime? I like yours better”
Ember reads the message on her blackberry and smiles.
She begins to reply but Finn starts coughing violently.
He had absent-mindedly lit the Marb in his flannel and inhaled black smoke from the melted filter.
During Finn’s coughing fit he was trying to get Jack off of him because Jack was trying to embrace Finn and burp him like a baby.
The girls were dying and even Vercin was present and laughing.
Ember gets a text from Natty.
“OMG Girl.”
“Look. Ten o’clock.”
“It’s ten forty-two. ????”
Finn grabs a smoke and lights a bic lighter
“Babe. Excuse me…ehem…what do you keep looking at over there”
“You know that’s a dude right?” Natty interrupted.
The person held Finn’s gaze until for a timeless while before the moment was interrupted by the yellow plastic lighter in his hand burning his thumb for having been lit for too long.
“Hey. Remember me? I’m Ember, your girlfriend. You know… the one with the vagina and stuff?”
“Nothin’…smiley faces.”
With that, Finn picks the lighter up off the grass, and uses the super-heated metal part on the top to brand the top of his left forearm.”
“What the fuck!” Ember shouts.
“See. Looks like a smiley face.”

Part 3
Gary and Clayton walked over to the medical examiner's office, which was in a two-story building just a block or so from the Sheriff's office. The medical examiner himself was a middle-aged man, trim and well-built, wearing a Motorhead t-shirt and blue jeans underneath a white lab coat. Clayton introduced him as Mark Meadows, a transplant from Columbus, Ohio.
"Pleasure to meet you, Gary. I've heard quite a few of the Johnson clan talk about their cousin who went off to join the Army and ended up a secret operator for the CIA."
Gary grinned at him. "Well, hope they didn't tell ya too much. Else I might have to start interrogations, figure out how bad the damage is."
Mark grinned back, a little spark in his eyes that set Gary's gaydar to singing. "Don't threaten me with a good time."
Gary chuckled. A part of him wanted to see how flirty Mark really was, but a much larger part wished Chris were here, so he settled for flashing Mark a wink and changing the subject.
"We're here to see the bodies of them kids from the other day. I need to check them for signs of magic."
Mark nodded. "Weirdness certainly seems to fit this case. I was going to turn in my report this afternoon. I could read you guys the highlights while we look, if you think that'll help."
Clayton nodded. "Be much obliged, Doc."
Mark led them back through the office, to a stairwell that led down two stories, into a basement. There, they found an exam room done in white tile, floor to ceiling, and a rack of body coolers like those Gary had seen on television. Mark walked over to one of the square hatches and pulled it open to slide out a body on a tray. The body was inside a thick plastic bag with a plastic zipper and a printed-on label that had the name 'Jeff McConnell' filled in with a sharpie. Mark opened the bag to reveal a teenage body.
"We've got three GSWs to the torso, as you can see here, here and here. None would have been incapacitating, though any of them might have proven fatal on its own, without medical attention. The cause of death was a fourth GSW, here," he pointed to a small, neat hole, low on Jeff's left cheek. "There's an exit wound approximately three inches in diameter on the right anterior of the skull..." Mark turned and lifted the head to show a much messier hole in the back of his head. "The bullet fractured upon impact with the cheekbone, there's evidence of multiple fragments exiting, and about sixteen percent of the brain's mass is missing. Presumably rotting in one of the Atchinsons' fields. Multiple pre-mortem injuries, none life-threatening, but they indicate a struggle. We found blood and tissue from all five victims under his nails and in his mouth and esophagus. Only traces in his stomach, so he wasn't eating them or drinking their blood."
"Can I touch him?" Gary asked. Mark nodded. "We finished our examinations yesterday. You're not going to contaminate anything. But I would advise wearing a glove, just in case." Mark grabbed a box of gloves and offered it to Gary. Gary pulled out a pair and slipped them on. "Might need to pull them off and touch him or one of the others skin to skin, at some point," he warned. Mark nodded. "I've got hand sanitizer, as well."
Gary rested one hand on Jeff's head and tuned his senses to the magic there.
Of course there was magic there. There was always magic, everywhere. The magic of death, generated by billions of microorganisms currently -if slowly- breaking down Jeff's body. The magic of life that once was there, echoing faintly through the husk that remained when it had fled. The echoes of Jeff's mind were fainter, with parts of the brain missing, there was less substrate for them to echo through.
Gary looked deeper, search for signs of anything unnatural, any magic that was not native to this body. Of course, he found some of that, too. Recent lust from a young woman, ancient traces of anger and violence from a fist-fight. A muddy mixture of various magics that might be the result of everyday experiences, or something else. He couldn't be sure.
He lifted his hand. "What about the young lady?" he asked.
"Which one? There were two," Mark responded.
"Mary-Jo," Gary said. "The one what was sweet on Jeff." Mark nodded and sealed Jeff back up in the bag, then slid him back into the cooler and closed the hatch. He opened a different hatch and slid a new body out.
"This is Mary-Jo Smith-Baird. Cause of death was multiple lacerations to the throat, deep enough to completely bisect the larynx and expose the esophagus. Tearing patterns and bruising around the injury indicates that the injuries were caused by multiple bites, with tearing and shaking of the head, like an animal savaging its prey. Pre-mortem injuries were significant, but not life-threatening. Her left ankle is broken, two hairline fractures and some tearing of the ligaments.
"We found semen in her vagina and anus, both matched type to Jeff, but we're still waiting on a genetic match. Pretty sure it'll be him. There's tearing in both cavities, indicating dry penetration. She's got bruising to both cheeks and if she'd lived a bit longer, she'd have two black eyes as well. Additional bruising to her sides, stomach, buttocks and thighs. Two broken ribs that seem to have happened early on, because there's evidence of grinding there. Broken clavicle and a compound fracture in her right ulna paired with a simple fracture of her right radius. Indicative of her blocking an extremely hard blow with her arm, like from a baseball bat or something." Mark sighed and gentry stroked her cheek with two fingers.
"This poor girl went through hell before she died," he finished. Gary forced himself to remain detached, a skill he'd learned long ago. The body in front of him was not a teenage girl who'd experienced the worst kind of nightmare and then had her life brutally snatched away. It was a puzzle, a problem to be solved. A glance at Clayton showed that his face, as well, was blank and neutral. Gary realized that Clayton's job, while very different from his own, would have needed him to learn that same skill. Gary gave him a little nod to acknowledge their shared talents and then rested his finger on Mary-Jo's head.
This time, he felt her fear and pain. It had been so intense that the echoes were almost as loud as the real thing. He recoiled involuntarily, surprised by it.
"Everything okay?" Clayton asked, brow furrowing in confusion. "Yeah," Gary confirmed. "Just... People who died like this tend to die kinda loud, in a magical sense. I'll explain it all later." He replaced his hand and felt the magic there.
The magic of life and death were both there, still. He felt more lust, this time, the lust of a young man, but it was hidden behind a mess of rage and hatred. So the two of them must have been necking when something happened that made Jeff go wild. He found the same muddy mixture there that could have been normal life experiences, or something else. With a sigh, he removed his hand.
"Well?" Clayton prompted. Gary shrugged. "It ain't real clear, coz. Let's get out of here and I'll tell both y'all what I can."
Mark put Mary-Jo's body away and they all took the stairs back up to his office. They took seats and Gary began to talk.
"So, the thing about magic y'all need to understand is that it's not like it is in books and the movies. Magic ain't some different thing that's unnatural and leaves a stain everywhere. There's nothing evil or good about it, nothing otherworldly about it. It's energy, just energy swept into patterns. Heat, electricity, kinetic energy, stuff like that. The ability to use magic is just the ability to kinda shape normal energies with your mind and with this sort of... Hold on, lemme see if I can remember correctly."
He frowned in thought, recalling conversations he'd had with Jerry and Inanna, and with Sarisa, way back. "Okay, so there's a sort of universal intelligence. Not consciousness, mind. More like a computer. It's tied to the goddess of knowledge, who used to be Sarisa until she turned on Jerry and his pet, Ixy, ate her. Nowadays, it's this girl Jane, who used to be human but... Actually, none of that matters. What matters is that there's this sort of massive supercomputer that just knows all sorts of things about the universe. Physics and chemistry and math and shit. Now, most people can shape energy with their own minds, from what I hear. But energy is wild and chaotic, so shaping it doesn't really do anything. In the grand scheme of things, on the level that we can perceive the world, all of that shaping doesn't change anything. But if you can tap into this universal computer, you can use that to shape energies, and then, you can do all sorts of nifty trick. That universal computer can take simple ideas like... Well, let me show you."
Gary held up a hand and a small, burning sphere of white-hot flames appeared within it. Both Clayton and Mark started. "Hooooooly sheeeeiiiit," Clayton drawled.
"Holy shit is right," Mark confirmed.
"So this seems like a pretty straightforward bit of magic, right? I'm just holding a little fireball. Except it ain't that simple. First off, the air's got to be condensed down into something thick enough to catch fire. It's got to have the right mix of oxygen, and some kind of fuel to keep burning. The fuel is a real tricky one, because individual atoms of nitrogen and argon and other gasses need to be changed into atoms that can fuel the fireball, which is no simple task. And the skin of my hand needs to be protected from the heat, which means the energy heading down, into my palm needs to be redirected. There's just no way in hell I can visualize all of that with this potato rattling around in my skull. That's where that universal computer comes in. It takes a simple idea like 'conjure up a fireball in my hand' and translates that into all the complicated physics needed to actually make it work. Then it's just a matter of me finding the energy to feed into it, and doing so.
"That's the basics of how using magic works. Now, this universal computer, like I said, it's not alive. It don't think, per se. So it's always doing its thing with all the energy out there. Making patterns out of it. For the most part, these patterns don't do nothing. Or maybe those patterns are the laws of physics that we know. Of all us magic users, I'm about the dumbest one I know, so I'm not the best person to explain it all. But the thing we call magic, it's everywhere, all the time. It's patterns, some of which are patterns of magic, others are patterns caused by the magic that used to be there.
"So when I was checking the bodies, what I was doing is looking at the patterns of energy in them. I could sense that they was dead from the energy of the bacteria and such breaking down their bodies; death magic. I could sense that they used to be alive from the sort of echoes of the energy of living people still hanging around.
"What I can say for certain is that both Jeff and Mary-Jo were fooling around when Jeff snapped. Most likely with each other, but I can't say that for sure. I can tell y'all that Jeff got into a fist-fight, or maybe just a shoving match recently with someone, say in the past week. And I can tell you that Jeff was damn sure completely out of his mind when he did this. There weren't no rational thought there, just pure rage and hatred.
But what I can't say for certain, at least not yet, is whether or not it was something magical that flipped Jeff like that. I mean, it sure seems hinky, the way he just jumped from fooling around with a pretty girl to wanting to hurt everyone he sees, but if it were magic that caused it, that magic didn't leave behind any traces that were obvious to me."
Clayton and Mark both nodded along as he spoke. "Results were inconclusive," Mark said with the air of someone repeating an old proverb. Gary nodded. "Yup. I can't rule out magic, but I can't confirm it, either."
"You think examining the other bodies will help?" Clayton asked. Gary shook his head. "No, not really. I expect to see more of the same with them. But heading out to where it happened is still a good idea. I might could learn some more out there. Have you had a forensics team out there, yet?"
Clayton shook his head. "Ain't got but one forensics specialist, myself. I put a call in to the state police to take over the investigation, seeing as how Jeff's a relative of mine, but I ain't heard back yet. I had Billy and Cole round up a couple boys who know them woods real well and ask 'em to keep folks out of em for the time being, but I don't know when or even if the staties will take the case and send a team out."
"Who all's been back there?" Gary asked.
"Cole, Billy and myself, since the attack. God only knows who all was out there before the attack. It's a popular spot for teenagers to get drunk and fool around."
"Well, I say we take a trip out there," Gary said. Clayton nodded and glanced up at Mark. Mark shook his head. "I've still got paperwork to be done. Make sure my report makes sense and reads easy, get copies of it made and filed, typical dotting of the I's and crossing of the T's. But I'll be here for a couple hours before I drop the report off with Janie."
"All right," Clayton said, standing. "I appreciate the help, Mark."
"No problem, Sheriff. Ya'll just let me know if you need anything. Clayton, you got my number, but Gary, here you go." He handed Gary a business card with his office address and number on it. Gary flipped the card over to find a cellphone number written there with a little winking smiley face beneath it. He grinned to himself, basking in the knowledge that he was still sexy as hell at sixty three years. Of course, that meant he'd have to either give Mark the cold shoulder or a let-down, neither of which would be very pleasant.
He stuffed the card into a pocket and then stuck his hand out. Mark shook it, without any of the twiddling fingers Gary remembers from back when the closet was still considered a viable home for gay men. Gary gave Mark a smile that he tried to put a little bit of regret in as he bid him goodbye.
Clayton's SUV was a good offroad vehicle, but not as good as Gary's truck, so they hopped in the latter to make the trip. Gary drove down the progressively smaller roads, back through Hog's Hollow. About a half mile south of the town, Clayton had him turn onto a tiny little dirt road that crossed a saddle in the valley.
"This'll take us up to the ridge line," Clayton said, "Or near enough that the route from here to the site levels out enough to drive. Otherwise, we'd have to park down at the Atchinson's and hike up the mountain."
Gary nodded. "I remember this old trail. Used to come up here to see Pappy Clayton for some moonshine."
Clayton chuffed a laugh. "Yeah, that old coot's still up here, still thinking it's prohibition and getting paranoid every time I come by to get some."
"Weren't you named after him?" Gary asked. Clayton nodded. "Yep. He's my great-granddad's baby brother. From my momma's side, obviously."
Gary nodded. They were related through Clayton's old man, who was Pops' cousin. They shared a single great-grandparent, and a whole lot of history.
They made it to the path up near the ridgeline and turned onto it, following it past the turn-off to Pappy Clayton's shed, where he was most likely puttering around his still, fiddling with it and brewing up more of his famous drinks. Strawberry and blackberry wine, Coalman's Shine and his most sought-after and iconic product; Ole Holler Moonshine.
"When's the last time you had a sip of Ole Holler?" Clayton asked, eyes on the turnoff as if considering asking Gary to make a pit stop.
"Oh, couple of years now. Got some from Pops the last time I was up this way, right before all that excitement with Astoram happened. Made it last a good year and a half, two years. Brought the last of it with me a couple years back when we took down the Remnant gang in South America, though I don't think it made it all the way to SouthAm."
Clayton was silent for a bit before speaking again. "What was that like? The first part. I seen the footage on TV, and it's hard to make heads or tails out of it."
After a quick glance at Gary, he added "It's okay if you can't talk about it. NDA or some shit."
Gary shrugged. "No, I was there of my own choice, actually. Government was barely aware of what was going on, truth be told. The whole thing was pretty wild. We had to run all over the damn planet. Ethiopia, Azerbaijan, Afghanistan, Norway... Lot of fighting, except in Norway."
"What were you running around for? Gathering intel and such?"
"Naw, it was a lot more storybook than that," Gary laughed. "We had to get these things called the 'Keys of Vindler,' so we could re-open the door between the real world and the spirit world. We had to get to the spirit world to summon the goddess of secrets, because she knew the trick to stripping a god of their power, making 'em mortal."
Clayton shook his head. "That does sound pretty storybook. Kinda hard to believe."
Gary nodded sagely. "Yeah, I don't blame ya if you don't take my word for it. It's pretty wild. When we got to Germany, we knew it'd be a fight, but it turned into a much bigger fight than we thought. Had tanks and aircraft flitting around, doing their thing while there were a couple thousand infantry going at it. I wasn't there for the actual end of Astoram, but I heard about it from two goddesses."
"That's the one what got ate by the big giant cloud with tentacles?" Clayton asked.
"Nope," Gary said. "That was Sarisa. Goddess of Knowledge. She'd been on our side thus far, or so we thought. Turned on us at the end. Astoram kinda went out with a whimper. Fulla, the goddess of secrets, she shared her memory of the look on his face with me." Gary chuckled.
"You shoulda seen it, Clayton. Here he was, this great big, important god, facing off with a scrawny nerd carrying a sword. He thought he was gonna walk all over Jerry. Instead, Jerry fought him off, and then just forgot about him when Sarisa stepped in. After he tried to convince her to hold faith, Jerry just turned on Astoram and stripped his power, without batting an eyelash. Dude screamed like he was being bent over a barrel by a horse and just took off running, whimpering and whining all the way."
"So why'd the goddess turn on ya?"
Gary gave a shrug. "The whole thing, it had been part of this plan she came up with. Wanted to get Jerry installed as the emperor of the world or some shit. Said it would usher in a 'golden age for humanity' or something. I ain't real clear on the details, but Sarisa was damn sure the smartest thing I ever met in my entire life, and by quite a margin, I tell you what. Smarter'n Jerry even, and that's saying something.
"Anyways, her plans called for the rest of us, including Jerry's lover, Inanna, to die. She needed him hurting for her plan to work, so she tried to kill us with a meteor, of all things. Inanna stopped it. She did something that affected the mind of every tank gunner and chopper and plane pilot still in the fight, and they all turned and opened up on the meteor. Shattered it. It still came down, but in a million little pieces. Killed a whole bunch, but most of 'em were the greasers, Astoram's cultists. Those that weren't were the Einherjar, who could just come right back to life after they died." Gary could see Clayton opening his mouth to ask for more clarification on that, so he raised a hand to cut him off. "I know, just roll with it.
"So the meteor ended up helping a lot. And then Inanna met up with us, and I could feel something different. She looked at me and just said 'I'm mortal now," and then we went back to fighting. A few minutes later, Ixy -the cloud with tentacles- showed up and then it was over."
"How'd ya make sense of all that? Seems like it would all get so confusing, real quick."
Gary responded quickly, the answer an old familiar one. "Everything seems confusingly complicated until ya learn to do it. Magic and all that stuff ain't no different."
Clayton reflected on that for a bit until finally he held up a hand. "Here's about as close as we're gonna get in the truck. Stop and we'll walk in from here."
Gary stopped the truck and they climbed out. "Think we might need some long guns?" Gary asked. Clayton started to shake his head, then stopped. "Ya know what? Can't hurt."
Gary retrieved a pair of third-gen MX Spears from hammerspace and handed one to Clayton. "The hell did these come from?" Clayton asked as he took one.
"Magicked 'em up," Gary answered with a wink. "You can do that?" Clayton gawked.
"Well, I gotta store 'em away, first. But yeah. And the rifles are magic, themselves. That one you got's never been fired. If you have to shoot it, then you can keep it, because it'll attune itself to you. Won't ever need to reload, and that extra switch on the side lets you pick between frangibles, steel-jacketed round, and high-explosive incendiary rounds. Barrel don't get hot, neither, and the muzzle velocity and accuracy are both much higher than others."
Clayton listened to him patiently, then casually aimed the rifle up the hill and fired a round. Gary blinked in surprise.
"What was that about?"
"You said if I shot it, I'd get to keep it. And you'd best believe I'm gonna enjoy owning a magic AR-pattern." Gary barked a laugh as Clayton smirked at him.
"Fair enough. I got a couple dozen of em stashed away. Be aware that they're the last generation, though. This one I got is the same, but I got fourth gen magic rifles, too. And no, ya can't have one of those. I only got three."
"Oh, I'm gonna figure a way to talk you out of one, don't you doubt," Clayton promised as they set out.
It took another half hour of walking before Gary spotted the first bloodsoaked patch of dead leaves and disturbed sand. He knelt down and touched some of the bloody sand with his fingers.
"Careful now," Clayton advised. "Don't want you contaminating anything."
Gary ignored him, feeling the magic around this spot. One of the other boys had died here, he could tell. He could feel the threads of magic leading back towards a clearing, so he stood and walked in that direction, careful of where he put his feet.
"Thought you said this happened down by the crick?" Gary asked as he looked around.
"This is down by the crick, at least from the point of view of anyone north of Hog's Hollow. Darby Crick's just down the slope from here. They like it up here because of the cirque. It makes for a relatively flat patch of land that gives a view out over the valley without letting the folks below spot em up here, even if they have a fire going at night."
Gary found the remains of a fire pit. "You know if they had a fire?"
"Don't know, but I reckon they did. They didn't get up here till after sunset, from what I can tell."
Gary held his hands over the pit and sensed the flow of energy. It felt like there had been a recent fire, but he couldn't pin it down to a specific night. Just sometime in the past week. There was something else, though.
Patterns flashed in the ambient heat suffusing the ashes. They were faint and incomplete, but it suggested that something magical might have been in the fire.
"Got traces of something magic in the fire. Might not mean anything, but there was definitely some actual magic. Not strong, something subtle."
Gary straightened again and looked around, letting his magical senses guide his eyes. They fell on something glinting in the carpet of dead leaves. "Lookie here," he said. He produced a box of gloves, similar to the box Mark had at the morgue, and slipped one on. He reached into the leaves and retrieved a large mason jar.
"Don't mean much," Clayton said. "Like I said, the kids like to come up here drinking. Prolly a hundred of them scattered around."
"This one wasn't buried real deep," Gary said. "And it looks like there's still some 'shine in it." He sniffed to confirm that the clear liquid was alcohol, and the pungent odor did just that. He felt the jar and the contents. There was something there....
Something infused into the liquid in the bottom. Gary couldn't be sure how it got there. Maybe this jar gad been enchanted long ago, or maybe someone enchanted had drank from it. He dipped a fingertip into the liquid and touched it to his tongue.
Nothing.
He didn't feel any magic coming off the liquid. Nothing changed as his body absorbed it. There was some foreign magic there, but it seemed likely to be just traces from contact with wherever the magic originated.
Well, shit, he thought. He'd begun to lean in the direction of the shine being enchanted.
"I don't think it was the shine what did it," Gary said as he carefully put the mason jar back where he'd found it. "But I'm reasonably sure there was some magic involved."
Clayton nodded. "Bit of a relief, that."
"Ayup," Gary agreed, looking around some more. He wasn't no trained investigator, so he didn't even know where to start putting together the details. "Reckon we best get on out of here."
They turned and headed back to the truck, to find a man in a flannel jacket waiting by it.
"Sheriff McConnell?" he asked when he spotted them.
"Hey Jim," Clayton greeted. "Yeah, it's me. This is my cousin, Gary. He's the one what run off to work for the CIA. He's helping out with the investigation."
"Thought you were passing that off to the state, on account of Jeff bein your kin?" the man asked. Clayton nodded. "Yeah, but better to be able to give them as much information as possible when they show."
"All right. Well, I was just about to get on the radio and ask Jake to ring you up, to report this truck, but you're here now, so that's handled."
"Yup, this is my truck. We're leaving now," Gary told him as he unlocked the door. He made as if to shove his rifle under the seat, but sent it into hammerspace, instead. No sense in having to explain that twice in short order.
"Okay, well, good luck to you. I hope y'all figure out what set Jeff off like that," Jim said, shaking his head sadly.
"We're doing our best, Jim," Clayton responded with a clap on the man's shoulder. He climbed in the passenger seat and laid his own rifle across his lap, muzzle aimed out.
"There's a rack for that," Gary said as he got behind the wheel. Jim moved off into the wood, patrolling for any more trespassers. Gary reached under the dash and pulled out a folding clip. "See the butt plate down there, you can rack it up."
Clayton used the folding rack, securing the rifle. "Where's yours?" he asked.
"Back where it came from," Gary said, starting the truck and getting them carefully turned around. He got them on the path and the bounced and jiggled their way back up towards the dirt road that would take them back into the valley.
"I'm gonna hold off on talking to Clancy till after the reunion," Gary said. "He ain't gonna be there," Clayton responded. "He knows I'm going, so he'll keep his distance."
"Ayup," Gary said. "That's my excuse to go see him."
They drove in silence, past the turnoff to Pappy Clayton's shed and then down the mountain to the valley, across the saddle and finally onto the paved road. Gary picked up speed as they drove back north.
The whole drive, his mind kept returning to the fire. What magical thing had been thrown in the fire? He felt like if he figured that out, he'd know exactly what went down. But the answer eluded him.
Part 5

How much is 'too much' , or an 'excessive' amount of candy/sweets?
I'm popping to the wholesaler tomorrow as i'm passing only a mile detour on my route.
I normally wouldn't drive out of my way to buy confectionary/candy as fuel costs in the UK is so high!
However, i thought why not.
Minimum order value for cash and carry is £50.00
I however have £155.46 in my shopping basket! seems excessive!
I could easily get far more carried away with many other items which are only available in 3kg bulk! but i've filtered it down to the below otherwise i'd just have huge amounts of just a few individual sweets. The listed quantities are minimum quantities available for the item FYI.
Anyway, what would you remove from the following list to make it more sensible and 'wife approved' ?
Lollies:

1. Sobsons Sour apple giant lollies tub - 90 lollies - £10.19 (12.04 USD)

Sweets:

1. Kingsway little fizzy mix - 3kg (6.6lb) - (fizzy gummy bears, gummy pencils, cola bottles, jelly rings, strawberry puffs, fried eggs) - £12 (14.17 USD)
2. Vidal fizzy strawberry belts (large) - 1.3kg (2.9lb) - £7.42 (8.76 USD)
3. Vidal fizzy apple belts (large) - 1.3kg (2.9lb) - £7.42 (8.76 USD)
4. Kingsway Jelly mix - 3kg (6.6lb) - (Fried eggs, cola bottles, love hearts, gummy bears, jelly turtles etc) - £12.95 (15.30 USD)
5. Kingsway 'Cinema Mix' - 3kg (6.6lb) - (jelly strawberries, jelly bones, jelly fingers, red and white kisses, eggs) - £12 (14.17 USD)
6. Kingsway Jelly 'Monsters' - 3kg (6.6lb) - (various monster jelly faces) - £12.95 (15.30 USD)
7. Frisia flying saucers - 625g (1.4lb) - required for a gift - £11.15 (13.17 USD)
8. Swizzels cola bottles - 1kg (1.6lb) - £3.11 (3.67 USD)
9. Haribo Yellow Bellies (large snakes) - 768g (1.7lb) - approx 25 - £4.10 (4.84 USD)
10. Crazy Candy Factory Jelly Smiley faces - 900g (2lb) - approx 120 - £4.32 ((5.10 USD)
11. Crazy Candy Factory sour worms - 720g (1.6lb) - approx 120 - £4.32 (5.10 USD)
12. Crazy candy factory Fizzy cola bottles - 1kg (2.2lb) - approx 600 - £4.40 (5.20 USD)
13. Crazy candy factory Gummy teeth - 1kg (2.2lb) - approx 600 - £4.40 (5.20 USD)
14. Sweetzone mini pencils (assorted) - 960g (2.1lb) - approx 600 - £4.43 (5.23 USD)
15. Sweetzone strawberry/blackberries - 960g (2.1lb) - approx 600 - £4.43 (5.23 USD)
16. Sweetzone sour twin cherries - 960g (2.1lb) - approx 120 - £4.43 (5.23 USD)

Chew Bars:

1. Oor Wullies Iron Brew chew bars - 72 bars - £4.50 (5.32 USD)
2. Swizzels Sour Apple refresher chew bars - 60 bars - £6.35 (7.50 USD)
3. Swizzels Strawberry refresher che wbars - 60 bars - £6.35 (7.50 USD)
4. Tango Oranger sherbert shockers - 72 bars - £5.15 (6.08 USD)
5. Crazy Candy Factory taffy tongue chew bars - 50 bars - £3.30 (3.90 USD)
6. Barratt Wham original chew bars - 60 bars - £5.99 (7.09 USD)

Ieda opened her stiff eyes and yawned slowly as if all the hours of sleep in the world couldn’t end her deep-seated tiredness.
Blue’s cold metal body vibrated loudly and firmly next to her.
“4 am. 4 am. 4 am”. The robot’s friendly electronic voice repeatedly echoed over her ear.
“Yeah, yeah I’m up”. She said shooing him away. She looked around her room and got up with a grunt.
“Good morning Ieda. I see you slept on the floor again”. The robot said pleasantly.
“Morning Blue. Yes. Seems like I did, doesn’t it”? She replied as she rubbed her face.
“Shit! This place needs a clean. It’s looking like a proper dump”. Ieda said to herself as she looked around her room.
Numerous pieces of polished metal and parts were scattered around the bedroom taking up a considerable amount of space. Clothes were strewn all over the floor and covering the bed.
On a tall and dull grey shelf in the corner, a small alien waved gleefully from a holographic projector tucked in next to a pile of books on robotics, mechatronics and engineering covered in a thick layer of dust.
The metal nightstand by the bed held a single picture of a grinning little girl sitting on a tall man’s broad shoulders wearing sunglasses. The picture had been recently turned to face the wall leaving a circular skid mark over a firmly settled coating of dust.
Mountains of history books, CDs, DVDs and comic books were scattered over the sparse furniture. Behind the door, a robotic vacuum cleaner with tiny glowing eyes shared a dirty corner with a few unusual inventions, gadgets and contraptions.
Ieda walked into a small ensuite facing the bed and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. The young woman pursed her lips disapprovingly.
“Yikes”! She muttered.
Her hair was dishevelled, she had dark circles under her sunken eyes, her forehead and cheeks were streaked with black grease and her clothes were covered in oil.
“Hey Blue”! She shouted from the ensuite.
“Play Toploader, 2000 album - Track 2”.
Blue hovered around the cluttered room and a happy little tune started playing as a cloud of steam slowly floated inside the room from the shower.
Ieda reluctantly left the comforts of the nice, warm soak and got dressed in a hurry.
Breakfast was the same tasteless grub as always. She stared at the bowl of insipid, colourless mush and grimaced wryly as Blue peeked over the bowl of food.
“Yuck”. He said in his robotic voice.
“You said it, buddy”. She retorted.
It was all she could afford so she breathed deeply and gulped it all down as fast as she could.
Ieda got up from the table, tied her hair up in a tight ponytail and hurried out towards a small corridor. She collected a few cardboard boxes from the floor by the front door and grabbed a keyring.
The young woman stood at the door and waited for a moment before letting out a high pitched whistle.
“I haven’t got all day Blue”.
Blue rushed over to meet her and hovered up to her eye level quickly. Ieda said a few random words and the front door instantly unlocked just as Blue’s glowing screen showed an unlocked padlock sign followed by a smiley face.
“Thanks, Bud”.
“You are welcome Ieda”.
“After you”. She said to the small floating robot as they stood by the open door.
She placed the boxes in an old and slightly rusty pickup truck and drove off as the soft, blue light of dawn gave way to a bright orange hue slowly creeping over the morning sky above.
Another day had begun.
Ieda had been driving silently for a while when she turned to Blue and said.
“Play ABBA 1976 - Track 2”.
She drove through a concrete forest of tall skyscrapers, towering buildings and architectural marvels covered in moss, vines and creeping plants as far as her eyes could see.
Big tree roots had long broken through the cracked pavement and thick shrubs grew between the rusty, old cars parked by the sides of the roads. Blackberry thorny bushes grew from balconies of abandoned apartments and grass-covered large portions of the unused roads leading into the massive, maze-like, ghost city. No birds flew in the sky, and no animals ran off in any direction, except for Ieda’s pickup truck rolling smoothly over a quiet, familiar route that seemed to be used quite often - nothing moved in the slightest.
The golden sunlight slowly crept down inside the concrete jungle and lazily gleamed over a few glass windows still left standing on some of the buildings ahead.
“What a view eh Blue”. She muttered to her robotic companion who played a happy and bouncy tune about a dancing queen.
She drove on confidently through the path that had been carefully carved amongst abandoned cars, growing greenery and thriving vegetation.
“Blue”. She suddenly spoke. The little robot opened round eyes across its glowing blue screen as if it had been sleeping up to now.
“Activate function”. Ieda commanded.
“State directive”. Blue replied.
“Learn”. Ieda said loudly.
“Function learn has been activated”. The robot replied in his flat, automated voice.
“Coffee. Coffee was a brewed hot drink prepared from roasted and grounded coffee beans. Before the war, it was cultivated from the ground in many places in the world. Brazil was a country in a continent called South America and it used to be one of the world’s main producers of coffee. Coffee was delicious and if it still existed I would be having one right now”…
Ieda smiled to herself as she realised she had just taught Blue something quite silly and trivial. A completely useless piece of information.
A look of sadness crossed her eyes and for a moment her face darkened a little. She sighed deeply and pushed down the knot growing in her throat.
She wiped her misty eyes with her sleeve and looked at Blue with a smile as the deserted and forgotten asphalt jungle began to disappear behind them and a dry, arid and scorched wasteland slowly rose on the horizon.
Blue blinked and a positive sign crossed his bluish LED screen followed by a soft beeping sound.
“Directive terminated. Knowledge accumulated. Function learn has been deactivated”.
“Good boy”! Ieda said patting the shiny robot’s head. “Blue is the goodest boy”.
Edit: Quotation marks and main character POV .

[Wendy's, Main Dining Room]
(Blackberry approaches the counter, and is greeted by a thin boy in his mid teens)
Haru: Hello, how may I help you?
Blackberry: Hello... I'd like to order... hm... (He takes a look at the menu) I'll need a moment...
Haru: Take your time, sir.
Blackberry: (To himself) Oh... there's this (He pulls out a coupon for a free frosty)
Haru: Are you ready to order?
Blackberry: Yes... I'd like six chicken sandwiches, six medium fries, and a small vanilla frosty.
(Haru punches in the order)
Blackberry: Oh and I have dis coupon.
(He gives Haruki the coupon)
Haruki: That'll be 2298.68 PHP (45.87 USD)
Blackberry: This is after da free frosty, correct?
Haruki: No... you don't have a free frosty. That coupon is invalid.
Blackberry: What?!
Haruki: The coupon you tried to use... it doesn't work.
Blackberry: (Angrily) Why..?
Haruki: Hmm... says here that... it was already redeemed.
Blackberry: By who..?
Haruki: Order Redeemed... Pertuit Jr...
Blackberry: (Furiously, yet silently) Smiley... yuo little...
Haruki: (Concerned) Sir..?
Blackberry: Do yuo think you could just play me a cuopon like dat?
Haruki: (Very concerned) Sir... this is... I'm...
Blackberry: Quiet!
Haruki: (Uncomfortable) Sir... I'm gonna have to ask you to leave n-
(Blackberry lashes out at Haruki, sending a burst of magic through Haruki's head)
Blackberry: I TOLD YUO TO FUCK OFF!
(Blackberry's magic rips through Haruki's eye, and out the back of his head. Stunned, Haruki falls to the floor, as Blackberry leaves)

Platform(s): mobile, for sure. it was not an iphone, but i don’t know the exact phone it was on either; most likely an old blackberry or a samsung (the kind you’d have to slide to the side to type)
Genre: vertical platformer akin to doodle jump
Estimated year of release: 2000s
Graphics/art style: basically about the same as doodle jump - it was def a rip off of this game. will get further into this below
Notable characters: none!! u were just a smiley face jumping
Notable gameplay mechanics: tilting phone to control smiley face
Other details:
so basically i remember this game being called “smiley jump” and over the past decade i feel like i’ve been searching for it everywhere since it was such a nostalgic thing to me - but i can’t find it under that name mentioned anywhere. and it’s not the ones that show up on google at all — they do not fit the description i can remember
there was a sky background, but notably the sky would change colors as you progressed upwards. i remember specifically orange sunset, purple, and then black once you got really high up
there were no enemies like there are/were in doodle jump, the only way to fail was to fall off platforms/ break through platforms and fall.
the smiley face was the typical “smiley” — not an emoji, and it never changed expressions as i can remember. the platforms were oval like doodle jump, and they were styled as dirt with grass over them
there were 100% power ups, i actively remember spring and trampoline but idk if there were any others.
anyway this is a long shot, i know the game exists i just can’t find the one i’m thinking of mentioned anywhere online at all

In case you didn’t read my first part from last night, you can find it here -- https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/l950n3/desperate\_times\_call\_for\_weird\_jobs/.
I believe I left off last time with me on my break? I don’t really remember, but it doesn’t really matter because pretty much after going through all those text messages i sorta noped the hell out of there for the night. I didn’t quit, because I mean after all they were paying me 20 dollars an hour for just clean toilets and that’s a gig I can't turn down.
But I took that phone home with me. Which might seem like a weird thing to do -- but it was mostly because John was no where to be found at the end of my shift. He also didn’t call me when my shift was supposed to be over to make sure i was okay, so i mean, gotta love a good boss right?
Anyway, i took the phone home and started going through the text messages some more -- I even tried to get to the voice mail but it’s got a stupid password on it so I might come back to that later.
I’m going to apologize in advance for the formatting here because i don’t exactly know how to reddit that great. But here’s some of the messages that piqued my interest:

He’s entered the building now.
Does he see me?
He’s entered Administrative Offices Block A.
Does he even see me? Where Am I?

I just feel like i should note that, out of the 32 text messages, like 15 of them were some variation of that -- Where am i? Does he see me? -- plus some even weirder ones that… Listen, i might be having an existential crisis over a text message that just says “Why can’t i see me?”.
There’s all sorts of weird stuff on the phone besides that too -- like on most cell phones you’d expect a bunch of photos, some text messages, maybe some porn saved accidentally to the download folder. But on this thing it’s all… Audio. There’s just a bunch of audio that I can't make sense out of. IF anybody knows a good place to upload audio files I’ll gladly post them but they’re just so goddamn bizarre that they’re indescribable.
One of them sounds just like hell -- I think i can make out some voices in it but there’s so much static that it’s a lost cause to even try.
There’s also a couple text documents -- which is weird, like i said in my last post, this isn’t a android or an iphone, hell it’s not even a windows phone it’s just a straight up blackberry, one of those old school flip phones. So how someone would have the time or patience to write out a bunch of text on a T9 is absolutely beyond me.
But anyway -- that’s stuff for later if you guys are interested in what’s on it. Right now i wanna talk about the second day on the job.
The second day started off pretty much exactly like the first, John met me at what i now know to call “The Gate”. He let me in, gave me a key to lock the door (Made some sly comment about how when first shift came in the next day the doors were unlocked. I said nothing because what did he expect? I didn’t have a key.)
This time, I started in those labs. They were still as stinky as ever, and the last lab -- The one imma start calling Smiley Lab -- was making me want to retch. I actually think the smell might have been worse this time around, which would make sense because… okay, alright, I have no clue what this place does; googling the name of the company brings up nothing relevant. I mean there’s def a ASLO company out there, but there’s none located where I've been working.
Anyway, tangent aside -- when i came into the labs today it looked like a bomb had gone off; every available surface was no longer available because they’d stacked as much shit. Beakers, Binders, Bottles and books.
More than half the containers still had shit in them too. I had to go track down a pair of gloves just so i could pick them up and drain them (If the EPA is listening; i did not just dump them down the nearest drain. That is the opposite of what i did).
I should also note a couple other oddities about Smiley Lab I didn’t mention before. Smiley Lab is the only lab with a lock on it’s door, it’s the only one that doesn’t have a fire alarm in the room, and it’s also a lot colder than the rest -- every other lab runs at normal room temp; 68-71 degrees.
But Smiley? Smiley lab has to be 55 degrees or colder -- so in order to put on the safety gloves, I had to take off a pair of mittens I was already wearing just to be in that room.
Anyway, whatever was in the last beaker i cleaned out… practically fell out of the container. When it hit the sink…. Whatever it seemed to just… look, i’m sure it was just one of those weird fluid dynamic things, but the damn black shiny blob seemed to slither down the drain.
I dropped the beaker and stepped away from the sink (Honestly, I was scanning the room for a flamethrower just to burn the bitch, it’s the only way to be safe). The beaker shattered loudly. My brain was on full blown monkey mode and I started to run out of the lab, only to trip and fall.
All of this was humiliating enough without the new, and unwelcome laughter that seemed to fill the room. It was the loudest laughter I’d ever heard -- picture, if you will, Heath Ledger's Joker on Meth times a thousand. It was cacophonous and omnipresent and fucking really weird.
I jumped to my feet and bolted to the hallway -- as I was closing the lab's door, I swear to god the Monitor had the damn ROFL emoji on it. But not just any ROFL emoji -- it wasn’t one of those cartoonish ones that you get from Apple or Facebook or anything like that, it was just a floating, hyper realistic human face with bulbous eyes and teeth that seemed just a little too sharp.
I stared at the monitor for a moment and the face seemed to stare right back at me. It’s eyes locking directly on mine. I fumbled the keys back into my pocket and walked away from the lab like I was face to face with a cougar, that is never breaking eye contact with that monitor.
I left a note for John that there was some kind of chemical spill in the lab -- i don’t know if they had a team for that specifically but i also didn’t particularly feel like spending another second in that room.
The rest of the shift went by uneventfully -- i did finally find the vending machines and cafeteria; for some god forsaken reason they’re in the basement of the building. But that’s where i’m going to stop for now.

Source Previous table

Questions	Answers
Hey Keith! Big fan of your channel. I'm currently living with my parents as I pay off my student loans, but I'm looking to be moving out next year and hoping to start a food forest of my own. My main issue is the three-dimensional design aspect. I can do the two-dimensional tetris like none other, but thinking about how it'll work when the plants start to grow messes me up. How do you go about choosing what plants should go in what guilds so that they work together? How do you design it so that a larger tree or bush doesn't end up shading over the lower level plants as they grow?	It's actually going to happen, but your system will evolve and change as it matures. It's important that we realize that we only set things in motion, but then nature takes over and the system modifies itself as it grows.
	For example, You can put strawberries under a seabuckthorn bush under an apple tree, with garlic and onion and parsley around the base as aromatics. That's a beautiful little guild.
	As the guild grows (most notably the apple), it will increasingly cast shade on the other members of the guild. The shade will get deeper but also wider as the canopy flushes out.
	The seabuckthorn bush, a nitrogen fixing companion to the apple will help it grow faster and stronger, but in the end it will give up it's life as it gets shaded by the apple, as it cannot tolerate shade, and will never grow as tall as a full rootstock apple tree.
	The strawberries will spread along the ground, but as they get shaded out, they will, in the long term, occupy less and less space around the base of the tree, and will find only enough sun in the outside rings at the drip edges of the tree. The onion and garlic at the base of the tree will get smaller as time goes (they are biennials though, so they will need to get replanted each year, although the onions could be perennial walking onions). But they will also start creeping their way away from the base of the tree.
	Over time, your guild will look very different, will actually start getting slightly less complex, with fewer pieces in it, but who have found their little happy niche to exist in. And more importantly, over time, your overall photosynthesis yield and harvest per sq ft will dramatically increase. Because your photosynthesis yield per sq ft increases, so too does the carbon sequestration per sq ft, the soil building per sq ft, the soil life per sq ft.
	Long answer, but yes, they do end up shading out your lower plants a bit, but those lower plants adjust, the system adapts and changes, plants find their niche. And that's half the fun. Watching your system evolve over time, all on it's own. It's the best entertainment possible.
the below is a reply to the above
Okay, that makes sense. I'd been under the impression that the early stages of the guilds were the same as we'd want them to be once they're grown - eg keeping a companion nitrogen fixer for maintenance. I think the part that had me confused was the increased efficiency with fewer pieces/less dense growth. Just seems backwards at first, you know? As things get shaded out and expand away from the center tree, there's fewer pieces per sq ft so you'd expect less efficiency.	For that last part, as the things grow, you just simply have more solar panels per sq inch. Even if you only had 1 tree, but it was capturing literally every photon on that space and using that energy to create plant root exudates (carbon sugars) and sending those down into the soil to feed the soil life, that single tree will boost the soil life more than 100 smaller plants combined that just aren't capturing as much photosynthesis because they just aren't as tall.
	Now, that tree producing fruit (if by efficiency we are talking about food production per sq inch), then depending how it's pruned, it may or may not outcompete a smaller multi-guild.
Do you consider birch trees and most conifers to be largely useless? I want to replace many confers and birch tree stands in the russian far east with other trees like manchurian apricot, American Chestnuts, buartnuts, and some other mixes of tall and short trees that produce fruit and nuts at different times of the year, in addition to a winter crop. This would increase the megafauna carrying capacity of the russian far east, increasing the number of siberian tigers roaming around.	Nope, I planted about 150 birch on my property last year. You can make syrup from them, and they coppice well. They are also will increase the diversity which could mean more insects, birds varieties etc.
	In general I think monoculture is bad. A giant birch only forest, I would cut them down (not all) and plant other trees in their place. In a cedar monoculture, I would cut some down and PLANT birch.
	I think balance and diversity are key concepts. I think jist about every plants has its uses, it is just about balance. Heck, even kudzu is a wonderful edible plant, it just causes imbalance.
	What you talk about in your second part of the comment is exactly where our heads need to be.
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Interesting. I’ve been looking for ways in which birch participated heavily in the russian far east ecology, in terms of nutrient cycling. I know they’re very useful to beavers and good at accumulating biomass, but beavers aren’t native to that region (a few were introduced though) and birch trees as well as most conifers don’t provide much food to the local megafauna. Birch probably provides some food to insects, bears do tap them for their sap, and moose do consume some of the cambium, but ultimately they don’t provide much food there. They’re prevalent because of their growth rates. Conifers are often very resource-greedy. Very few animals can consume their leaves (none in the region), the leaves still decay slowly when they actually fall off, and they block out the sun throughout the year. So animals are forced to fight for scraps over the few nuts they release. I read something about the animals that are present in various forest zones throughout the russian far east. I believe only moose managed to exist in forests dominated to birch, aspen, and most conifers. And tigers don’t really hunt moose. I’ll link the post I made on it.	Yeah, it's also a catch 22 situation too, because how can you grow resource hungry cold hardy deciduous trees in places that have poor soil because the conifers don't drop organic matter. So you have this poor soil because of the conifers, but because of the conifer poor soil, only conifers will grow there.
	So it takes some time and effort to rebuild the soils and get deciduous trees growing there, and then once established the leaf drop helps build more soil, yielding more ease in growing more diversity.
	Then there are other problems, like, here, we are on top of the Canadian shield, so in order to get other forest types established, we have to really build a ton of soil, because many places are only 1 inch above the bedrock.
	All that being said, I'm not actually a big expert in this area, so take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm sure there are forestry management folks who specialize in taiga ecosystems who can provide a ton more insight than I ever could. Yourself you seem to know more than I do.
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I was thinking maybe at the start of spring we could just grind the birch trees and branches of the conifers, chop open the trunks we can’t grind, spread some fungus, wait a year for decay to take place, and then plant new trees with small burlap bags of nutrients that’ll last until the other stuff decays.	Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan. For what it's worth, Chanterelle do really well on birch.
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Here’s one link. There’s info throughout the comments: https://www.reddit.com/megafaunarewilding/comments/hut8au/if_useless_forests_that_dont_produce_any_food/fyt20uc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3	Ooooh, this is cool. I actually have to get back to work, but I will check this out on my lunch break. Looks super interesting, and it's in a topic area I'm not super familiar with. I love this kind of thing - opening up to new knowledge. Thanks so much for sharing.
I see all those countries planting trees: China, India 2 billion trees. Ethiopia, Pakistan 1 billion trees etc...why do those countries not plants fruit trees? Will that not fix the hunger problem in those countries, provide oxygen and save the planet??	Fruit trees are usually really good to plant once there has been some shade and soil built. Planting a fruit tree on a desert won't work. So often Pioneer species like nitrogen fixers will be added first.
	The nitrogen fixers can get their nitrogen (to grow leaves and such) from the atmosphere. Well, technically through a root bacteria, but still.
What different types of trees do you plant and how do you decide to mix them in? Do you ever do any 'guerilla planting' (planting trees in stealth on other properties) or is this all on your land? Good job and thanks!!	In the OP I posted a link to a video about planting in parks, gas stations, schools, hockey rinks, etc. But in that same video I talk about how we can do tremendous damage when we do the wrong things. So just a caution for anyone wanting to do guerilla gardening... it should be a passion that starts with a solid year or more of research before you do a single action.
	As for what trees I have on my property, the list is pretty long. I have over 20 varieties of apples alone for example. Pears, peaches, paw paws, persimmons, fig, serviceberry, linden, mulberry, apricot, plum, cherry, oak, walnut, hazelnut, hazelbert, buartnut, hickory, maple, birch, cedar, sumac, elderberry, haskap, ... so many, that's probably about 1/10th of the stuff we have. Then once you get into the flowers and herbaceous layer - I could write 10 pages of stuff we have.
	I don't neccessarily think diversity for diversity sake is a worthy pursuit, but having diversity is a really good idea. For example, a really late frost and snow (MAY) this year really hurt our apple and peach production, but we had tons and tons of strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, haskaps, goumi, gooseberry, etc.
	A good variety of crops gives you tremendous resilience to weird weather events - which is going to be an increasingly big deal going forward.
Is there anything you can do to keep out undesirable plants, such as poison ivy, perhaps by planting something else that occupies that niche?	Depends on the plant. Mostly try to pull it and then plant someting there to shade it out. Poison ivy can be hard to deal with because it actually likes shade and will just sit there all happy and creep out under the ground and past it.
	Basically you will have to mow around it. Get some long pants, sleeves and gloves, and try to pull it out and get the main root. It will be like a daddy long legs spider with long legs coming off a main body. If you can get the main taproot out, and all the legs, you should be good.
	That or spraying. I hate spraying stuff like roundup, but I'm actually not against very very careful spot applications to get rid of something physically dangerous. I don't use it for my poison ivy, but I wouldn't fault someone for doing it.
Hi Keith! Love your videos, your place is gorgeous. I'm a new homeowner on .2ish acres in the city in the midwest (6A), and trying to turn my lawn into a source of food, education, and community. This is all new to me but I've been rabidly reading, watching, and listening to permaculture content since the pandemic. I put up a few pictures of the west and south sides of my lot as well as descriptions of what's already in the ground. My main question is this: Can you hit me with any ideas with things you'd consider doing with this space? I'm wide open to ideas and very willing to put in the work. I have access to unlimited mulch and mulched leaves. I just got a pound of hardneck garlic bulbs today to plant a row and am thinking potentially where my cover crops are on the S side of the home, or in the annual garden (but planted more densely than it currently is). Also wanting to grow perennial veggies - should I start those in the vegetable garden, or should those be their own area, and why? Pics of the land (with commentary): https://imgur.com/a/dXDYjj2 Thank you! P.S. In your most recent vid on people leaving the cities to go rural, you left out the big benefit I see in the cities, which is that they provide a hub for culture (music, art, theater, museums) and are unique in bringing people of different nationalities, ideologies, etc. together! I know the internet allows for dissemination of information and some form of connection, but I'm not sure it's as fruitful a medium to really see one another as in-person. Not to say I wouldn't like more land and privacy to cultivate land haha, just have to rep city life as an insider!	First picture: 1) Okay, lets get some earthworks done first.
	Lets talk about that gutter. I would dig a little trench out, and install a little mini bog filter guild. Maybe a few native cattails. They will filter that roof rainwater as it comes off your roof.
	Then think about contouring of that spot. Where is elevation? Ideally you can get that rainwater to hit a trench build on perfect contour - i.e. a trench dug straight sideways across where the hill is level. I know it's mostly flat, but nothing is really flat. It's usually level, but not flat. Typically neighbourhoods are graded such that the water flows to the street, so it's likely a 2-3 degree hill going upwards to the house from the sidewalk. So likely the contour swale should go from that downspout, straight to the left to the wall. Make it shallow but wide. Like 4 feet wide, but only 3-4 inches deep. Take all the soil you dig out and put it on the downhill side of the shallow wide trench you just dug.
	That being said, based on the pic, it looks like it dips down to the back corner. So contour may be an upwards facing smiley face going from the house to the bottom left of the picture? It's sometimes hard to tell in a picture. BUt if you don't know, you can just start digging a trench, and run a hose in it as you dig. The water will show you where contour is. You want it flat flat flat.
	If you want more detail on swales, here is a more detailed video guide on them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAKLUmoASyc, and here is my grass to swale video just shortly after https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evwRPvcD6Qg
	That may be a solid day's work, but it will pay off every day for the rest of your life, and will reduce water needs potentially almost entirely.
	2) Now lets convert the soil, and go grass to forest soil
	Step 1, cover with cardboard.
	Step 2, cover with compost and manure if you can.
	Step 3, toss down some clover seed, not all, we're about to smother it, and some will push up through, but we're going to add more in a sec.
	Step 4, cover with a foot of woodchips.
	Step 5, toss more clover down.
	Done for the year. Come back next spring.
	3) Planting it out
	Then in the spring you can get to planting this thing out. I'm assuming south is the sidewalk and west is that concrete wall? That's actually a really nice microclimate against that wall. It will get sun in the morning and afternoon (the hottest parts), and then hold that heat in the afternoon and night. Right up against that wall is a great place to push zone on something. Maybe a nice paw paw, a persimmon, something warmer climate, up as high as about zone 7/8. Maybe could try a pecan tree.
	Then since the north side is the house, that's where you want your taller species. You could line some trees along the back. Just don't go too close to the house. As you get closer to the house, use stuff with smaller root systems like bushes. You can line some nice tall bushes near the gutter, stuff that wants lots of water like elderberries. They would love it there.
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Whoa, thanks so much for the feedback!! Man, I should've made the cardinal directions more clear. The cement wall is North, the sidewalk is West. The side that I want(ed) to have the orchard is South, and my backyard faces to the East. The area right by that gutter (to the North of the house) gets basically 0 sun in the fall/winter with the sun rising and setting on the opposite side of the house. Pic 2 IS just to the right of pic 1, so it's the SW corner. Would you put fruit trees just a few feet from the redbud there (the freestanding tree in the middle of pic 2)? Bummed as all getout about no fruit trees along the side of the house where the cover crop is (that's pic 3, the South side with full sun). You think even dwarf trees planted 7' away from the house would wreak havoc? Could I bury a cinder block wall a foot away from the foundation or anything wild like that? We already have a berry bush zone in that NW corner from pic 1, all those native berry bushes like part shade. Maybe that cover crop zone could have some tall things closer to the house (gogi, hazelnuts, etc) and then perennial veggies closer to the sidewalk? Idk. I have a good feeling about working with the city on this with climate change and all, especially if the neighbors know my place as a bug/hummingbird/butterfly-friendly, people-feeding hub. Hoping the good vibes carry this one!	For the trees 7 feet from the house, man, I hate saying it but I definitely would recommend against it. Even burying a cinderblock - they break through foundations of houses, a cinderblock is nothing to tree roots.
	Okay, so it looks like the angles are 90 degrees rotated. With North being that wall, then that left edge should be where all your tallest trees go.
	Everything about contouring and earthworks remains the same, because that's based on elevation, not on sun angle.
	The good news is that because the north/south is now the way that it is (well it always was), it likely means you can kind of do a few "rows" of tall trees and be okay with shade issues. So like, 1 against that west concrete wall, and likely one that runs along either side of the walking path to the house. That could be a cool effect, because you could create a little tree tunnel. That's totally what I would do, plant maybe 2 trees on each side, staggered.
	So like this:
	x
	__
	x
	__
	Then you could prune and train the branches to make a tunnel. How sweet would that be? The raised bed is in the way, but if it were me, I would shift that south so I could do my tree tunnel thing. That's just me though.
	I think you could also put a tree or two as a companion to the redbud, yes. I think that area could support 3 guilds...
	* the redbud and it's friends, guild
	*the walkway to the house tree tunnel guild
	*the northern cement wall guild - this guild sounds like it's the one already established with some native berry bushes? You could try to add a tree element to them and just prune the bushes as they grow, to allow light for the tree. If those bushes like part shade, then you could give them say, a nitrogen fixing locust there. Once it gets up above the bushes, it will give them nice dappled shade because of the small size of the leaves.
	Infact, consider heavy use of nitrogen fixing overstory trees - as they will give you that vertical element you want, but won't shade you out like another overstory tree might. Plus, if you ever need to cut and prune them, they will do their thing, releasing nitrogen to your whole plot. I like to aim around 1 nitrogen fixing support tree to 2 fruiting trees - similar to how Stephan Sobkowiak recommends at Miracle Farm/Orchard and in about 10 to 15 years, it would just look like a mini forest there.
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	For the second picture: It looks like this is just to the right of the first picture? If so, I'm again assuming the lower sidewalk is south and the right of the picture is east.
	This area is a good blank canvas and you can do whatever you want here. Trees a little closer to the house (again, don't plant TOO close to the house), but since that's north, you want them on the north side. You can do whatever you want here, a nice guild with some fruit trees and then bushes infront of them, maybe a little S-shaped walking path - I like bends and curves over straight lines, for many reasons, but they also maximize the edges. More edges, more fertility.
	Yeah, not much else to say on that one, you can do anything you want here. As you mention in the comment, a raised bed could be a great spot in that place, because it's full sun. And annual veggies, you really want them getting the best sun, because they really will be where most of your work and quick turnaround produce will be.
	That bed, if you make one there, should be a multiseason bed. Maybe kale in the early spring, then transition to tomatoes and peppers, then transition back to winter crops like broccoli. Use that bed a ton. You can micromanage it and add compost and manure to it.
	Your tomatoes likely did poorly because the soil is still building. But just add compost and manure this fall, let it sit all winter (consider sowing in a winter crop like crimson clover, vetch, cowpea, maybe even winter rye if you want to go crazy. It will build that soil up all winter. Then you cut it ground level in the spring. For the clover, it can just exist there forever, it's a great groundcover.
	Picture 3, side of house.
	You mention you want 6 trees here. Man, I'd advise against trees there. It's just way too close to the house. That looks like a perfect place for a berry bush hedge. If you want height, you can go with goji berries, elderberries, hazelnuts, they'll all be 10-12 feet tall, but at least their root systems won't really puncture into your foundation.
	Pictures 4,5 I don't really have anything to add except 2 things:
	* Forget about this years harvest. It doesn't matter. Plants did good, plants did bad, whatever, don't care. You are building a snowball here, and what happens in year 1 is inconsequential and should have zero impact on any decisions you make going forward. It could be a weird weather season, it could have been a period of no rain, too much heat, still poor soil, maybe too much ammended nitrogen if you say did compost and manure, again, don't care, don't care, don't care. At all.
	You are doing the right things, and they WILL pay off. Nature just works slow sometimes.
	I like the trees you picked, I like how you have them set up, I like your mulch, everything honestly looks great and will work out. Let nature tell you how to modify this guild going forward, and it will know better than I, and will show you better than I. So get out there on rainy days, see where the rain is collecting/moving, get out there on sunny days, shady days, get out there all times of the day, watch the sun, the wind, try to get a feel for your property and how it's changing.
	One more thing about picture 5.
	Be careful how much love and attention you devote to that strip right next to the road. It's very likely the city owns that strip, and you could plant apple trees there, grow them for 5 years, and then bam, they are gone, woodchipped and someone left a bill at your door, claiming they interfered with the power line, or blocked traffic sight.
	It could be trees, it could be bushes, it could be a groundcover of strawberries... they can clear it anytime they want and bill you (probably, laws could be different in your area), and you will be left with tears. Your only recourse will be to fight it in small claims court against a judge that will just say "dude, why are you planting shit there?" and throw the case out.
	So just a warning, anything that goes there can be erased at any time. Probably. I think. So just... don't go spending a ton there.
	Infact, if it wasn't south facing, I would say to plant jerusalem artichokes there. They are in the sunflower family, will grow 12 feet tall, and be really nice looking, and give you some privacy. The only problem is that they will really shade everything behind them - your main gardens. But then again, you can always just chop them down if that's the case.
	Oh and one more thing...
	I just need to say how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE what you are doing on your property. If you were my neighbour, I would want to hang out with you all day. I just think it's so awesome.
	A large food forest can look really cool and stuff, but honestly, small scale "crazy ass" permaculture like this is just so impressive. It's so DIFFERENT. It's such a conversation starter. Your whole neighbourhood will be calling you crazy, then when they walk by and maybe taste some fruit from some "free to pick" bushes that you plant for them (maybe in that road strip section), they'll probably ask you how they can put some stuff on their property.
	It's just.... so cool. I love it so much, I can't even describe how much I love this.
How can we professionalize Permaculture Consultants who can become permanent staff members of landscape design firms and landscaping companies? Like, if I wanted to make a mojito with fresh mint from my garden, what's the best way of integrating that into my garden-/land-scape? Who would I pay for that information and how would I go along getting that done?	That I'm not sure. I think the accreditation needs to be recognized as being important. I think getting the word out about regenerative agriculture, and edible landscaping is a good way. The more people we can get to go: "Oh what that guy over there is doing is really cool. I want that here", the more it will become mainstream.
Are there any interesting novel techniques in zero-maintenance agriculture (such as deliberately introducing non-native species that are coincidentally well-suited to the climate)?	A lot of people are definitely not of the school of thought that invasives are neccessarily bad. I mean, how far back to we want to go. If we keep going back to pangea, technically most things are native everywhere. I know that's a terrible example, because, you know, trees didn't even exist then and such, but still. My point is that, we keep trying to freeze the ecosystem, and at this point we're freezing it in a damaged state.
	As an example, most nitrogen fixers will appear on my invasive lists. Well, they are invasive because they thrive in dead soil. They also happen to restore soils so that other plants can grow. They also tend to die to any shade whatsoever. So they basically are the scab on a wound, and we keep saying the scab is bad and we pick it off.
	I think the cat is out of the bag on many invasives, and whether we plant one which heals the soil, or we let one grow there because, well, invasives are everywhere, what's the difference.
	I know a lot of people get really mad when I say things like this, and I'm not advocating to planting kudzu everywhere to get green plants growing. I get it, many things kill entire ecosystems. I do understand how bad they can be.
	But just... not all invasives are terrible. Many are only very temporarily invasive, and IF PROPERLY MANAGED, can restore lands faster than not planting them.
	Ben Falk has a good quote regarding this... "invasive to when". I agree with him on a lot of stuff he talks about. He's very passionate about this stuff, you can check out some of his podcasts and maybe videos on the topic. I'm sure if you google "ben falk invasive to when", you'll get some stuff to read.
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What's the general consensus with regards to using GM plants -- radical fringe or gaining traction?	Oh man that's a can of worms. It's funny too because the M bots will come in (now the B@yer boys) and brigade the post.
	Okay, my hot take on that is... it depends on why they are being GM'd.
	If you want to try to GM a peach tree to be resistant to peach leaf curl, cool! If you want to GM cabbage to be resistant to cabbage flies, cool.
	But that's not what's happening. Well, it is on the fringe, but there's MORE money in another tactic.
	GM corn and soy to be resistant to roundup. Now go and spray the crap out of 100,000 acres with roundup, and kill literally everything in the ecosystem but corn and soy, and create a destructive monoculture. And get record yields of corn (due to no competition, just make sure you also buy our fertilizer since you just destroyed the ecosystem that was cycling nutrient), and also buy our roundup. Massive profits. Destroyed ecosystem. Mined destroyed soils.
	So right now GM crops are being used to prop up and keep going the most destructive practices the human race is doing to the natural ecosystems. For that reason, I'm extremely anti GM crops. Not because of the tech itself, but because of how humans (and greedy corporations) are using the tech.
	There's also a host of other issues with it, like reducing genetic variety because everyone grows the same genetic strain of a crop, etc. We are rapidly losing our genetic diversity of foods we eat, and this isn't helping.
	So that's my hot take on it. I'm not against it, but I'm against it.
What are your thoughts on the intersection of "inviting" outdoor spaces in areas that are traditionally very hard and sharp (deserts)? For instance, I'd really love to have grass in my backyard, or some other more native ground cover, but my climate is horribly dry (we haven't gotten more than a few inches of rain in 8-months). I don't want my kids outside playing on dusty, barren soil or gravel, but I also don't want to waste water on a ground cover that may eventually die anyway. I'm gradually drifting towards utilizing artificial turf for ground cover, but then running native plants in raised based on the borders. If I lived in a lush, green environment, I don't think this would be such an issue, but here in the arid dry west, its a struggle between a hard, dusty, uninviting space, and being considerate of what little water we do have.	Unfortunately thats like the polar opposite of my climate, so I don't really have anything I can say, other than I totally see where you are coming from.
	I'm sure someone can maybe chime in who lives in a climate like that, but I would think choosing the right plants is obviously key.
	I know Geoff Lawton is key on early nitrogen fixer species like https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leucaena_leucocephala
	Then they create shade and transpirstion, and you can now start growing groundcovers. But its a multi year process... like 10 or more.
Hi Keith! I've been watching a few of your videos for a while, and been really inspired by what you do. I'd like to do something similar myself some day, but can't see myself doing it full-time. You mentioned that you still work a full-time job. How much time do you spend working on your forest?	Every minute I am not working or at kids sports, or watching TV/board games with them at night. Seriously, it has consumed my life and outside of this AMA and responding to comments on youtube and making videos, I'm outside planting.
	I would say overall probably 30 to 40 hours a week. Probably longer, the weekend I usually pull 12 to 16 hour days planting trees, getting woodchips, manure, composting, etc. I find it really fun.
	But as far as how much time you need to do this, you really don't need much time at all. You can set up a guild over a few hours on a weekend... water and baby it a bit during the first month. Then the long term maintenance of a system like this can be just a few hours to harvest and a few hours in like March to prune. It can be as little as like 10 hours a year.
	That's the best part... once you set this up, and do it correctly, then it will actually do what nature does all on it's own. Grow and replicate.
How can I be like u?	Get planting :)
Do you realize grasslands have an important role in ecosystems as well?	Extremely important. Infact Savannahs have some of the largest diversity of ecological life, and food production of all ecosystems.
	There is nothing wrong with polyculture grasslands, prairies, etc. What we do wrong is creating monoculture sodgrass lawns that have almost zero function for nature, and are purely ornamental. We actually actively remove the useful components from them because we dislike how they look (dandelion, clover, creeping charlie, etc).
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You have enough manicured grass to plant 10k trees per year in multiple years, replacing it?	My planting what I have so far came with a deal made with my better half that I would leave our front and back lawns alone. If it were up to me, I would plant trees right up to our front door. Well, maybe bushes closer to the foundation of the house - nobody should plant an oak 10 feet from their foundation.
	But yeah, if it were up to me, I would have every square inch covered in trees.
	I actually sneak the border of the garden out about 3 inches a year, expand the woodchips and creep out onto the lawn a little bit. It's my little act of rebellion.
What native plants have you incorporated into the farm? What do you do with the harvest?	Most of the fruit trees and bushes are native fruit and native varieties. I also made a big push this year to flesh out my herbaceous layer using places like native wild plant nurseries. I put in hundreds of different flowering plants for wildlife around the pond. Here's a sample video at the time I was doing it, and at the end of the video is lists about half of the plants I ended up finally adding.
	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbMMrUUdirc
Hey Keith! Awesome work! Have you tried to use the drones to spread more seeds?	No, but I like that technology. It's not really meant for someone like me, it's meant for a massive largescale replanting of the earth. For me, I prefer to be more calculated and precise about where I add genetic material to the planet.
Hi and thank you. Assuming you have pastureland, what do you do with the grass? Just stop mowing?	Yep, let it flower and feed the insects. Grasslands are very useful ecosystems.
Hi OP, first off, this is awesome and inspiring that you are tackling this huge issue of Climate Change. My question is, have you thought of expanding this? Like planting more by receiving donations, not necessarily to make money, but to help plant trees on a bigger scale? Your knowledge of this subject is sooo impressive. I can't help but think of scale and how effective this could be (not to say it's not effective now). Do you have a website or something people can look at? Do you have any plans to expand if the right pieces present themselves to you? Curious, by planting 10,000 trees per year what is the offset of carbon?	For oaks 10k trees would be roughly half a million pounds of CO2 after 50 years. And if someone went around collecting acorns you can easily do 1000 an hour, just dropping and stepping on them. 10k trees is nothing compared to how many you could do it you focused, organized, had land to put them on, and planted acorns vs say 1 year old whips. Less digging, etc.
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	As far as doing it professionally, it would definitely be a dream for sure. But I'm just not sure the money is there. It would be a big hit to my family for me to leave my current job. And the job is currently funding the tree planting.
	I'm not sure, maybe one day if the channel gets big, and consultation jobs start coming in at a level that it makes sense to start a business, I may do it. I mean, what better way to spend you labour time than saving the planet?
Hi there, i'm in the process of having some land, but it's a land where corn was grown (up to 2 month ago). How do you start at reforesting it ??	Well, I would start by getting a soil test. A commercially farmed plot may have a bunch of resource imbalances that may need fixing. I think a good remineralization plan. I think sprinkling rock dust can be a good idea to start off.
	Then, since you don't really have anything to kill, you likely don't even need to sheet mulch. You just really need to dump a foot of woodchips down. Then come back in the spring, and get planting. Pull back woodchips and plant in the soil. Don't plant in the woodchips.
	The only other thing I'd add.... you may want to think about doing earthworks this fall, to install some swales. Something for you to consider.
	Here is my swale guide:
	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAKLUmoASyc
	and here is a grass to swale transition:
	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evwRPvcD6Qg
	Think of swales as installing permanent system that is going to raise your water table, store water for your plants, and reduce watering needs for your system. Forever. And ever.
	A little upfront work to install a swale can really make your system kick butt from now until the end of your days. And then for another hundred thousand years after you are gone.
the below is another reply to the original question
First of all, thanks, i wasnt expecting an answer 1 day late! ^ May i ask some specifications about what you said ? What kind of soil test are you talking about ? like soil-general-health ? Is there a name for it ? And what kind of rock for the "rock dust" ? i'm not sure i understood, the following sentence seems crazy to me : I should dump a foot (30cm) of woodchips on the entire land ? And then in the spring, remove it, to plant ? For the swale part i'm gonna look at the video before asking questions xD	For the soil test /Stubby_hoof had a great response to one of my comments: https://www.reddit.com/IAmA/comments/jeaphl/i_am_keith_st_jean_or_canadian_permaculture/g9glsye?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
	For rock dust, typically basalt or granite is used. Here's a decent read about it: https://www.growingagreenerworld.com/rock-minerals-as-soil-amendments/
	Yep, but in the spring you just pull it back enough to get to the soil, then plant in the soil, then recover the soil with the woodchips, careful not to smother the plant. The woodchips acts as the protective skin layer, protecting the organs of the soil (the microbiology).
	In this video I give an example how I do it. I will find the exact spot for you.... here: https://youtu.be/VOjsgqqV7tc?t=306

Lost Generation
Early Lost:
1880 - N/A
1881 - Bela Bartok, George Enescu, Mikulas Schneider-Trnavsky, Kamel al Khola’ie
1882 - Igor Stravinsky, Tony Jackson, Leopold Stokowski, Ballard MacDonald, Percy Grainger
1883 - Mamie Smith
1884 - York Bowen, Sarah Martin, Blanche Selva
1885 - Agustin Barrios, Joe King Oliver, Sam M. Lewis, Jerome Kern, Deems Taylor
Core Lost:
1886 - Al Jolson, Ma Rainey, Alberto Guerrero
1887 - Sam Collins, Arthur Rubinstein, Eubie Blake
1888 - Irving Berlin, Lead Belly, Haven Gillespie, Maurice Chevalier, Max Steiner
1889 - Joe Young, Alton Adams
1890 - Jelly Roll Morton, Carlos Gardel, Paul Whiteman, Bob Burns, Myra Hess
1891 - Cole Porter, Sergei Profokiev, AP Carter
1892 - Mississippi John Hurt, Winifred Lawson, Sayed Darwish
1893 - Andres Segovia, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Big Bill Broonzy
Late Lost:
Greatest Generation
Early Greatest
1900 - Aaron Copland, Wingy Manone, Leo Robin, Xavier Cugat, Pink Anderson, Agustin Lara
1901 - Louis Armstrong, Nelson Eddy, Rudy Vallee, Wayne King
1902 - Richard Rodgers, Meredith Wilson, Guy Lombardo
1903 - Bing Crosby, Vladimir Horowitz, Lili Kraus, Roy Acuff, Ruby Smith, Aram Khachaturian
1904 - Glenn Miller, Count Basie, Fats Waller, George Formby, Coleman Hawkins,
1905- Maria von Trapp, Tex Ritter, Eddie Condon, Tommy Dorsey, Jule Styne, Bob Wills, Chick Webb,
Core Greatest
1906 - Dmitri Shostakovich, Grace Williams, Peewee Russell
1907 - Cab Calloway, Kate Smith, Zarah Leander, Jane Froman
1908 - Bunny Berigan, Raymond Scott, Louis Jordan
1909 - Burl Ives, Benny Goodman, Maybelle Carter, Victor Borge, Art Tatum, Johnny Mercer, Gene Krupa
1910 - David rose, Scatman Crothers, Louis Prima, T-Bone Walker, Howlin’ Wolf, Django Reinhardt, Artie Shaw, Mary Lou Williams
1911 - Robert Johnson, Mahalia Jackson, Jo Jones, Bill Monroe, Smiley Burnette, Portia White, Jorge Negrete, Laverne Andrews, Mitch Miller
1912 - Perry Como, Woody Guthrie, Les Brown, Nancy Wake, Minnie Pearl, John Cage, Asmahan
1913 - Grandpa Jones, Benjamin Britten, George Lloyd, Frankie Laine, Charles Trenet
Late Greatest
1914 - Josh White, Pee Wee King, Hank Snow
1915 - Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Edith Piaf, Muddy Waters, Les Paul, Ewan MacColl, Johnny Bond
1916 - Harry James, Dinah Shore, MS Subbulakshmi, Dennis Day, Maxene Andrews, Ray Conniff
1917 - Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin, Vera Lynn, Lena Horne, Dizzy Gillespie, Buddy Rich, Thelonious Monk, John Lee Hooker
1918 - Leonard Bernstein, Cisco houston, Butch Ballard, Patty Andrews, Elmore James, Joe Williams,
1919 - Nat King Cole, Antonio Aguilar, Liberace, Pete Seeger, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Monte Hale, Kitty Wells, Ross Bagdasarian Sr.,
Silent Generation
Early Silent
1920 - Peggy Lee, Charlie Parker, Ravi Shankar, Dave Brubeck, Amalia Rodrigues
1921 - Johnny Otis
1922 - Yma Sumac, Illinois Jacquet, Charles Mingus, Kitty Kallen
1923 - Audrey Williams, Hank Williams Sr., George Russell, Maria Callas, Tito Puente, Jim Reeves, Elmo Hope
1924 - Charles Aznavour, Sarah Vaughan, Dinah Washington, Ernest Tomlinson
1925 - Celia Cruz, BB King, Sammy Davis Jr., Marty Robbins, Bill Haley
Core Silent
1926 - Chuck Berry, Tony Bennett, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Big Mama Thornton, George Martin, Julie London
1927 - Eartha Kitt, Andy Williams, Harry Belafonte, Sabah, Johnnie Ray, Slim Dusty
1928 - Fats Domino, Tommy DeVito, Rosemary Clooney, Eddie Fisher, Ennio Morricone, Bo Diddley
1929 - June Carter Cash, Link Wray, Late Mangeshkar, Laurdine Patrick, Raymond Jessel, Kishore Kumar, Buck Owens, Chet Baker
1930 - Ray Charles, Rolf Harris, The Big Bopper, Mary Costa, Stephen Sondheim, Colin Thackery, Jasper Johns
1931 - George Jones, Sam Cooke, Ike Turner, Della Reese, Skeeter Davis, Brook Benton
1932 - Johnny Cash, Tiny Tim, Little Richard, John Williams, Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Eddy Wally, Petula Clark, Rick Hall, Lol Coxhill
1933 - James Brown, Willie Nelson, Quincy Jones, Nina Simone, Conway Twitty, Robert Patterson, Cissy Houston, Asha Bhosle, Montserrat Caballe
Late Silent
1934 - Frankie Valli, Leonard Cohen, Fairuz, Eduard Khil, Pat Boone, Steve Lacy, Del Shannon, Johnnie Taylor, Jackie Wilson
1935 - Elvis Presley, Jerry Lee Lewis, Luciano Pavarotti, Sonny Bono, Johnny Mathis, Dolan Ellis, Bobby Vinton, John Phillips, Utah Phillips
1936 - Buddy Holly, Charlie Daniels, Roy Orbison, Glen Campbell, Kris Kristofferson, Bobby Darin, Engelbert Humperdinck, Bil Wyman, Bill Gaither
1937 - Waylon Jennings, Merle Haggard, Shirley Bassey, Jerry Reed, Roberta Flack, Nancy Wilson, Nathan Davis
1938 - Kenny Rogers, Bill Withers, Jack Jones, Ben E. King, Etta James, Shirley Caesar, Charley Pride, Gordon Lightfoot, Connie Francis, Bobby Pickett
1939 - Tina Turner, Marvin Gaye, Karel Gott, Ian hunter, Frankie Avalon, Dusty Springfield, Grace Slick, Ginger Baker, John Stewart, Neil Sedaka, Don Williams, Dion Dimucci, David Allan Coe, Alan Silva
Baby Boomer Generation
Early Boomers
1940 - John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Tom Jones, Vincente Fernandez, Smokey Robinson, Dionne Warwick, Johnny Nash, Sir Cliff Richard, Nancy Sinatra, Ricky Nelson, Frank Zappa, Paul Williams, Stuart Sutcliffe, Herbie Hancock
1941 - Paul Anka, Bob Dylan, Ritchie Valens, Neil Diamond, Paul Simon, Charo, Helen Reddy, Otis Redding, Linda McCartney, Chubby Checker, Pete Best, Iona Brown, Otis Williams, David Ruffin, Art Garfunkel, George Clinton, Mike Love, Mama Cass Elliott, Ronald Isley, Joan Baez
1942 - Paul McCartney, Aretha Franklin, Jimi Hendrix, Barbra Streisand, Carole King, Jerry Garcia, Brian Wilson, Frankie Lymon, Muslim Magomayev, Ali Abdullah Saleh, Mac Davis, Muammar Gaddafi, Brian Jones, Scatman John, Lou Reed, Wayne Newton, Ronnie James Dio, Isaac Hayes
1943 - Mick Jagger, George Harrison, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, John Denver, Gloria Gaynor, Keith Richards, Roger Waters, Barry Manilow, Joni Mitchell, Julio Iglesias, Jimmy Griffin, Randy Newman, Gayla Peevey, Cilia Black, Jim Croce, Steve Miller
1944 - Diana Ross, Patti LaBelle, Jimmy Page, Gladys Knight, Gary Glitter, Brenda Lee, Barry White, Frank Sinatra Jr., Roger Daltrey, Clarence White, John Entwistle
1945 - Bob Marley, Rod Stewart, Debbie Harry, Eric Clapton, Bette Midler, Lemmy Kilmister, Neil Young, Bob Seger, Davy Jones, Don McLean, Anne Murray, Van Morrison, Carly Simon, Ramon Ayala, Jose Feliciano, Pete Townshend, Kim Larsen, Pete Criss, Tammi Terrell, John Fogerty, Micky Dolenz
Core Boomers
1946 - Freddie Mercury, Dolly Parton, Cher, Barry Gibb, Jimmy Buffett, Bon Scott, John Paul Jones, Lesley Gore, David Gilmour, Daryl Hall, Lux Interior, Al Green, Syd Barrett, Linda Ronstadt
1947 - Elton John, David Bowie, Brian May, Iggy Pop, Brian Johnson, Carlos Santana, Meat Loaf, Sammy Hagar, Minnie Riperton, Kiki Dee, Ronnie Wood, Don Henley
1948 - Ozzy Osbourne, Olivia Newton-John, Stevie Nicks, Steven Tyler, Alice Cooper, Robert Plant, Rick James, Donna Summer, Grace Jones, James Taylor, Jose Jose, John Bonham, Kenny Loggins, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Cat Stevens, Ted Nugent, Jackson Browne
1949 - Billy Joel, Lionel Richie, Roger Taylor, Bruce Springsteen, Gene Simmons, Steve Perry, Hank Williams Jr., Rick Springfield, Eddie Money, Billy Gibbons
1950 - Stevie Wonder, Tom Petty, Agnnetha Faltskog, Juan Gabriel, Rebbie Jackson, Karen Carpenter, Jack Hartmann, Billy Ocean, Huey Lewis, Bobby McFerrin, Natalie Cole, Peter Gabriel, Guitarist, Eric Carr,
1951 - John Deacon, Sting, Phil Collins, Bonnie Tyler, Joan Sebastian, Luther Vandross, Jackie Jackson, Mick Mars, John Mellencamp, Ace Frehley, Zella Lehr, Zypriern Katsaris, Rob Halford, Bob Geldof, Joey Ramone, Crystal Gayle
1952 - George Strait, Paul Stanley, Neil Peart, Nile Rodgers, Matthew Knowles
1953 - Cyndi Lauper, John Doe, Charlie Wilson, Bruce Hall, Tito Jackson, Chaka Khan, Pat Benatar, Michael Bolton, Malcolm Young, Betty Wright, Geddy Lee, Jeff Fatt, Robin Zander
Late Boomers
1954 - Jermaine Jackson, Annie Lennox, David Lee Roth, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Elvis Costello, Yanni, David Newman, Michael Anthony
1955 - Eddie Van Halen, Reba McEntire, Angus Young, Yo-Yo Ma, Billy Idol
1956 - La Toya Jackson, GG Allin, Kenny G, Teena Marie, Ian Curtis,Dwayne Wayans, Randy Rhoads, John Lydon
1957 - Gloria Estefan, Sid Vicious, Marlon Jackson, Phil Lewis, Ricardo Montaner
1958 - Michael Jackson, Madonna, Prince, Ice T, Joan Jett, Nikki Sixx, Alan Jackson, Andrea Bocelli, Anita Baker, Kate Bush, Bruce Dickinson, Belinda Carlisle, Joe Diffie
1959 - Weird Al Yankovic, Bryan Adams, Flavor Flav, Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, Babyface, Morrissey, Sade, Robert Smith, Pete Burns
Generation X
Early Xers
1960 - Bono, Chalino Sanchez
1961 - Billy Ray Cyrus, Boy George, Susan Boyle, Enya, Toby Keith, Amr Diab, Randy Jackson, Dave Mustaine, Vince Neil, Carlos Vives, Matt Johnson, Keith Sweat, Uhuru Kenyatta
1962 - Jon Bon Jovi, Axl Rose, Tommy Lee, Garth Brooks, Paula Abdul, MC Hammer, Flea, Anthony Kiedis, Kirk Hammett, Sheryl Crow, Cliff Burton
1963 - Whitney Houston, George Michael, James Hetfield, Seal, Coolio, Lars Ulrich, Bret Michaels
1964 - Eazy-E, TobyMac, Lenny Kravitz, Chris Cornell, Courtney Love, Eddie Vedder
1965 - Dr. Dre, Slash, Shania Twain, Bjork, Rob Zombie, Benzino
Core Xers
1966 - Janet Jackson, Rick Astley, Matt Freeman, Darius Rucker, Too Short, Sinead O’Connor, Dimebag Darrell, Najwa Karam
1967 - Kurt Cobain, Keith Urban, David Guetta, Toni Braxton, Vanilla Ice, Tim McGraw, Tyler Stewart, R. Kelly, Faith Hill, Noel Gallagher, E-40, Harry Connick Jr.
1968 - Celine Dion, Peaches, LL Cool J, Kylie Minogue, Marc Anthony, Lisa Marie Presley, Shaggy, Kenny Chesney, Damon Albarn,
1969 - Jennifer Lopez, Jay-Z, Ice Cube, Gwen Stefani, Diddy, Marilyn Manson, Bobby Brown, Jenni Rivera, Birdman, Dave Grohl, Peter Gunz, Cree Summer, Tiesto, Nate Dogg
1970 - Mariah Carey, Suga Free, Fat Joe, DMX, Kirk Franklin, Master P, Luis Miguel
1971 - Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg, Selena Quintanilla, Ricky Martin, Missy Elliott, Lisa, Lopes, Mary J. Blige, Gary Barlow, Stevie J., Tech N9ne, Lil Jon, Erykah Badu, Kid Rock, Method Man
1972 - Eminem, Notorious B.I.G., Billie Joe Armstrong, Jermaine Dupri, Liam Gallagher, Busta Rhymes, Brad Paisley, Common, Park Jin-Young
1973 - Pharrell Williams, Sean Paul, Nas, Akon, Corey Taylor, Peter Andre, Faith Evans, Dani
Late Xers
1974 - Nelly, Lil Kim, Victoria Beckham, Robbie Williams, Da Brat, Loona, Jeff Bhasker
1975 - Sia, DJ Khaled, Mel B, 50 Cent, Fergie, Will.i.am, Enrique Iglesias, Juicy J, Michael Buble, Travis Barker, CeeLo Green, Lauryn Hill, MIA, Tameka Harris, Mark Ronson, Redfoo
1976 - Luke Bryan, Blake Shelton, Rick Ross, Chester Bennington, Rasheeda, Kandi Burruss, Plies, Vybz Kartel, Ja Rule, Cam’ron, Tank, Jim Jones
1977 - Kanye West, Shakira, Gerard Way, Daddy Yankee, Psy, 2 Chainz, Ludacris, Tamar Braxton, John Mayer, Jason Aldean, Robin Thicke, Chris Martin, Steve Aoki, Jeezy, Ray Toro, Fabolous
1978 - Usher, John Legend, Luis Fonsi, Alesha Dixon, Nicole Scherzinger, Zoe Saldana, Diplo, Tyrese Gibson, Nelly Furtado, Trina
1979 - Adam Levine, Pink, Aaliyah, Flo Rida, Pete Wentz, Ne-Yo, The Game, Brandy, Ashley Purdy, Lecrae Moore, Mya
Generation Y
Early Millennials
1980 - Gucci Mane, TI, Christina Aguilera, Remy Ma, Pauly D, Ashanti, Mikey Way, Jessica Simpson
1981 - Beyonce, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, Alicia Keys, Pitbull, Rachel Platten, Romeo Santos, Kelly Rowland, Ray J, Frank Iero, Yo Gotti, Nicky Jam, Jennifer Hudson, Keyshia Cole, Amy Lee, Dallon Weekes, Christina Milian
1982 - Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne, Kelly Clarkson, DeStorm Power, Lil Boosie, Adam Lambert, Ty Dolla Sign, Daveed Diggs,
1983 - Carrie Underwood, Future, Amy Winehouse, Macklemore, Cheryl Ann Tweedy, Vic Fuentes, Adrienne Eliza Houghton, Mirana Lambert, Ronnie Radke, Andy Grammer
1984 - Katy Perry, Avril Lavigne, Trey Songz, Calvin Harris, Olly Murs, Patrick Stump, Mandy Moore, French Montana, T-Pain, Sam Hunt, Kid Cudi, Delta Goodrem, Omarion, Fantasia Barrino
1985 - Bruno Mars, Lana Del Rey, J Cole, Nipsey Hussle, J Balvin, Ciara, Carly Rae Jepsen, Marina Diamandis, Todrick Hall,
Core Millennials
1986 - Drake, Lady Gaga, Ellie Goulding, Kevin Gates, Kellin Quinn, Oliver Sykes, DJ Snake, Ryan Ross, Lindsey Stirling, Christina Perri
1987 - Brendon Urie, Kendrick Lamar, Wiz Khalifa, Kesha, Kevin Jonas, Meek Mill, Bow Wow, Jay Park, Justina Valentine, Frank Ocean
1988 - Rihanna, Adele, Vanessa Hudgens, Tyler Joseph, Josh Dun, Lizzo, Jessie J, A$AP Rocky, Big Sean, Lil Dicky, Jhene Aiko, G Dragon, James Arthur, Hayley Williams, Chantelle Paige, Sham Idrees, Skrillex
1989 - Taylor Swift, Chris Brown, Jason Derulo, Tyga, Joe Jonas, Bebe Rexha, G-Eazy, SZA, Prince Royce, Zedd
1990 - The Weeknd, Iggy Azalea, Machine Gun Kelly, Andy Biersack, blackberry, Rita Ora, Soulja Boy, B. Simone, YG, JoJo, Jonghyun, James Maslow
1991 - Louis Tomlinson, Travis Scott, Ed Sheeran, Charlie Puth, Offset, DaBaby, Fetty Wap, Tyler the Creator, Quavo Marshall, NF, Anne-Marie, Young Thug, Jesy Nelson, Leigh-Anne Pinnock , Moneybagg Yo, PnB Rock, Karol G
1992 - Cardi B, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Nick Jonas, Marshmello, 21 Savage, Mac Miller, Jin, Sam Smith, Joji, Madilyn Bailey, Candy Ken, Conor Maynard, Jade Thirlwall, August Alsina
1993 - Ariana Grande, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Meghan Trainor, Min Yoongi, Perrie Edwards, Rydel Lynch, Chance the Rapper, Saweetie, Swae Lee, Bryson Tiller, Cher Lloyd
Late Millennials
1994 - Justin Bieber, Harry Styles, Lil Uzi Vert, Kim Namjoon, Halsey, Lil Baby, Bad Bunny, Ashton Irwin, Christina Grimmie, Ava Max, Maluma, Alec Benjamin, Takeoff, Ella Mai
1995 - Jimin, Melanie Martinez, Kim Taehyung, Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion, Dua Lipa, Doja Cat, Troye Sivan, Jisoo Kim, Michael Clifford, A Boogie wit da Hoodie, Poppy,
1996 - 6IX9INE, Lil Peep, Jack Glinsky, Luke Hemmings, Lil Xan, Austin Mahone, Jack Johnson,
1997 - Camilla Cabello, Becky G, Lil Yachty, Kodak Black, Lalisa Manoban, Blueface, Zara Larsson, Alan Walker, Yungblud, Roseanne Park, Park Ji-min, Cody Simpson
1998 - Shawn Mendes, XXX Tentacion, Juice WRLD, Corbyn Besson, Jonah Marais, Mulatto, Conan Gray, Khalid, Lil Skies, Maggie Lindemann
1999 - Madison Beer, NBA YoungBoy, Jack Avery, Daniel Seavey, Pop Smoke, YNW Melly, HRVY, Lil Nas X, Trippie Redd, YBN Nahmir, Polo G
Generation Z
Early Zoomers
2000 - Baby Ariel, Lil Pump, Maverick Baker, Willow Smith, Skye, Leonard Devries
2001 - Billie Eilish, Zach Herron, Carson Lueders, Lil TJAY,
2002 - Jacob Sartorius, Loren Gray, Malu Trevejo, Famous Ocean, NLE Choppa, Indiana Massara, Lil Mosey, Max Mills, Ruel
2003 - Cash Baker, Johnny Orlando, MattyB, Sophia Grace Brownlee,
2004 - Grace VanderWaal, Sky Katz,
2005 - Hayden Summerall, Brooklyn Queen, Baby Kaely
Core Zoomers
2006 - Rosie McClelland, Mason Ramsey, Stefan Benz
2007 - Gavin Magnus, Angelica Hale, That Girl Lay Lay, Ynw Bslime, Celine Tam
2008 - N/A
2009 - Dylan Gilmer, Heavenly Joy, Roberta Battaglia
2010 - N/A
2011 - N/A
2012 - Sophie Fatu
2013 - KD Da Kid
Late Zoomers
2014 - N/A
2015 - N/A
2016 - N/A
2017 - N/A
2018 - N/A
2019 - N/A
Generation Alpha
Early Alphas
2020 - N/A

Hi! These are some animals that I think would be cool in mope.
First, tier changes (thx to SunfishyTheSunfish for the feedback on tiers)-- *forest animal* new animal change tiers animal

1. Mouse/Rat/Chippy/Shrimp
2. Rabbit/Pigeon/Desert Chippy/Arctic Hare/Seahorse
3. Mole/Chicken/Meerkat/Penguin/Trout
4. Pig/Wood/Armadillo/Seal/Crab
5. DeeGazelle/Flamingo/Squid/Reindeer
6. Hedgehog/Macaw/Warthog/Arctic Tern/Jelly/Turtle
7. Fox/Peacock/Fennec/Arctic Fox/Stingray
8. Zebruh/Donkey/Camel/Kangaroo/Pufferfish/Electric Eel/Muskox/Owl
9. Cobra/Gorilla/Cheetah/*Toucan*/Rattlesnake/Walrus/Piranha/Octopus
10. Giraffe/*Jaguar*/Hyena/Vulture/Pelican/Swordfish/Snowleopard/Wolf
11. Croc/Eagle/Falcon/*Tiger*/*Bear*/Hawk/Gobi Bear/Dolphin/Polarbear
12. Rhino/Lion/Ostrich/*Boa*/Bison/Wolverine/MarkhoShark
13. Hippo/Cassowary/Komodo/Orca/Giant Squid/Sabertooth
14. Ele/SpideArgentavis/Widow/Giant Scorpion/Bluewhale/Mammoth
15. Dragon/Rex/Hydra/Phoenix/*Bigfoot*/Ptero/Kraken/Kcrab/Yeti/Snowman
16. Land MonsteDino MonsteSand Monster/Sea MonsteIce Monster
17. Black Dragon

I know, big thicc changes, and I don't expect the tiers to be changed so radically, but I think this would make more logical sense (Boas cant eat rhinos and toucans cant eat zebras and giraffes, for example)(also have people actually seen a seahorse in real life?)
Arctic Tern-- The Arctic Tern is on Hedgehog tie (tier 6). Its ability is to fly. It can fly longer than normal birds (18-20 seconds). However, the Arctic Tern's ability reload is longer (10-12 seconds). It can climb hills. The Arctic Tern is an arctic animal.
Kangaroo-- The Kangaroo is on Camel Tier (tier 8). It have a double ability. The first one is that when you hold the ability button, it jumps like a Gazelle. The second ability, when you tap the ability button, is that it kicks forwards with two feet. The kick will do slightly more damage than Donkey, except more knockback to predators and less to prey. The Kangaroo is a desert animal. It should have a rare, the Gray Kangaroo. The Gray Kangaroo can climb hills, slightly smaller, and have a stronger kick (about 1.5x stronger). The Gray Kangaroo's rarity is 7/400.
Electric Eel-- The Electric Eel is on Pufferfish tier. When it uses its ability, it can shoot a ray of electricity (instant, so you cannot dodge it) at whoever is in front of it. It can chain-zap up to three animals (ok maybe I took it from Electro Dragon from CR but I didn't realize it until I wrote this down) as long as they are closer than 4 background tiles from each other. It does 30% to prey and 8% to predators. It also stuns prey for 3 seconds and predators for one second, but after it uses its ability it is slowed to 60% speed for 1.5 seconds. The Electric Eel is an ocean animal (shock).
Piranha-- The Piranha is on Swordfish tier (tier 10). The Pirhana is faster than most ocean animals (besides Swordfish, Dolphin, and Killer Whale). Its ability is lunge and bite. When it bites using ability, it grabs on to prey for three seconds (predators 1.5, cannot grab apex and up but still bleed and 8%-ish damage) and the grabbed animal instantly starts dropping meat. When release, the grabbed animal suffers from bleeding damage for 3 seconds (predators 1.5, including apex and up). This animal is the fastest animal in rivers and lakes (after Pelican's speed gets nerfed because that thing's speed is insane). The Piranha's ability have a reload of 6 seconds. The Piranha is an ocean animal (duh).
Hawk-- The Hawk is on Crocodile tier (tier 11). The Hawk's ability is like Ptero's, but it gets two dives instead of one. It also instantly gets in the air instead of taking off like a Ptero. Instead of grab, though, when it dives it slash whatever it hits, causing damage, bleed, and stun. Does 13% damage to prey each slash but slight damage to predators (maybe 4% or 6% because it gets two dives), but it still bleeds them. It can climb hills and rocks. The Hawk is a desert animal. The Hawk can climb trees. The Hawk have a rare called the Red-Tailed Hawk. This rare does much more damage to predators (16% damage each slash). The Red-Tailed Hawk also flies 10% faster than the normal Hawk. The Red-Tailed Hawk's rarity is 3/200 chance.
Dolphin-- The Dolphin is on Crocodile tier (tier 11). The Dolphin's ability is like Gazelle's jump, except it gets six jumps instead of four. If a Dolphin bite when it lands from a jump, it will do 20% more damage than it normally would (even to predators if it got a tailbite). It is faster than all ocean animals except Killer Whale and Swordfish. The Dolphin is an ocean animal (IMPOSSIBLE!!).
Giant Squid-- THIS IS NOT A KRAKEN. It should be at orca/bluewhale tier (tier 13/14). The ability is lunge and grab but it can also grab prey underwater (or else hunting would be really difficult) and it can grab predators that has been under for less than 3 seconds. Otherwise behaves like a tiger in water (except no climb hills) that can grab for more time (3-5 seconds would be a good time). When its ability times out (forced to release animal), it is slowed to 75% speed (predator biting it before it times out or it willingly releases it doesn't count). It can't bite prey after 2 seconds of using ability. It can tailbite predators using ability (like tiger). The design should be Squid/Kraken hybrid-ish but pink/grayish and have two long tentacles that goes to the side. The tentacles go to the front in a pinsir-like position when grabbing (if you play deeeep you have an idea of what it looks like when idle/grabbing). When underwater, the tentacles can be seen to distinguish a underwater Giant Squid. The Giant Squid is an ocean animal (WHAT?????).
Argentavis (Thanks to ELECTRAFYRE for telling me about it. My original idea was Archaeopteryx but ppl seems to prefer Argentavis and I decided that it makes more sense)-- The Argentavis is on Elephant tier (tier 14). The Argentavis (in real life) was one of the biggest birds to ever fly. However, I said was because it is now extinct, but whatever. In mope, its ability is that it can fly. However, it can pick up fruits and take it up into the air (kind of like eagle picking up food or vulture picking up dead food). When in air with fruit, it can drop it on people. The Argentavis can also go into a rock when taking off to grab a stone and drop it, causing damage. The Argentavis does not burn in the desert. It have a 90% speed in mud and can climb trees. It is a land animal. These are the things the Argentavis can pick up and the effects and damage they give (note: does no damage to equivalents but gives stun/effects as if they are predators):

• Stone- 40% damage to prey, 15% to predators, 11% to BD/KD, stuns for 4.5 seconds (2.5 for predators).
• Mushroom Bushes- 30% against prey, 15% against predators, 10% to BD/KD, stuns for 4 seconds (2.5 for predators).
• Watermelon- 25% damage to prey, 9% to predators. stuns for 3.5 seconds (2 for predators), gives stick effect for 6 seconds (4 for predators).
• Coconut- 20% damage to prey, 8% to predators, stuns for 3.5 seconds (2 for predators), gives stick effect for 6 seconds (4 for predators).
• Pumpkin- 20% damage to prey, 8% to predators, stuns for 4 seconds (2 for predators), gives slime effect for 4 seconds (3 for predators).
• Acorn- 17% damage to prey, 6.5% to predators, stuns for 3 seconds (1.5 for predators).
• Pears- 17% damage to prey, 6.5% to predators, stuns for 3 seconds (1.5 for predators), gives stick effect for 5 seconds (3 for predators).
• Bananas- 15% damage to prey, 5% to predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators), gives slime effect for 3.5 seconds (2.5 for predators).
• Cactus Pears- 15% damage to prey, 5% to predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators).
• Peppers- 13% damage to prey, 5% for predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators).
• Red Mushrooms- 13% damage to prey, 5% to predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators), gives slime effect for 3 seconds (2 for predators).
• Oranges- 13% damage to prey, 5% to predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators), gives stick effect for 3 seconds (2 for predators).
• Mangoes- 13% damage to prey, 5% to predators, stuns for 2 seconds (1 for predators), gives stick effect for 3 seconds (2 for predators).
• Blackberries- No damage, stuns for 1 second (0.5 for predators), give stick for 2 seconds (for both).
• Mushrooms- No damage, no stun, gives slime for 2 seconds (for both).

Whew, that was a lot. I promise the rest would be shorter
Hydra-- The Hydra is on Dragon tier (tier 15/apex tier)(look this up too ^^). It have 5 heads. The ability is to shoot venom from one of the heads. The venom is like Cobra venom, except only one drop per volley(2-3 in mud) for a maximum of two volleys if you hold. The ability's reload is fast (2 seconds), so when it is reloaded, another head that is ready can shoot. However, you can only shoot if a head is ready (like you can't use Ice Monster's ability until there is a crystal on the back). Each head takes 30 seconds to get ready again. Normally the head is green, but when it's ready the spine on the neck on the head is purple. It have 110% speed in mud but cannot dive in it, and have a 85% speed in water, making it faster in water than most land animals. The Hydra is poisonous and poisons animals that it bites/bites it. It cannot climb hills, rocks, or trees. The Hydra is a land animal.
Sand Monster-- The Sand Monster is on monsters tier (tier 16). Its ability is to summon sand waves in the formation -=-, where each line is a wave. The center two waves have three "blades" each, similar to a Killer Whale wave. The two on the side have two blades each. They travels at almost the speed of a hyena laugh. The waves only push animals back gently, like the natural disaster sandstorm. Each "blade" does 8% damage (5% to equivalents and 3% to BD/KD), but the center waves combined does 48% damage. The wave stuns for 4 seconds (2 for equivalents/BD/KD). This makes the Sand Monster ideal for hunting large prey, such as Elephants, apexes, and its equivalents (the center wave does 30% damage to equivlants and all the waves does 50% combined, though it is hard to make the side waves hit with the middle ones), since more "blades" will hit. Finally, along with sending waves, the Sand Monster blasts sand all around it when it uses its ability. The blast of sand is similar to a stingray's shock, except with a significantly larger radius (due to the Sand Monster's larger size) and with different graphics (duh). The sand blast stuns for 5 seconds (3.5 for equivalents/BD/KD) and does 4% damage to all animals. The Sand Monster have 120% speed on quicksand and oasis sand, 100% speed on mud, 80% speed in oasis water, and 50% speed in all other water. It can turn invisible in quicksand and oasis sand if it stays still/move very slowly (if it makes it too broken then it can't turn invisible). The Sand Monster will not burn from lava but will burn from the fires that come from it. The Sand Monster is a desert animal.
Slime is where it is very hard to control your animal, kind of like on ice. It makes you slip and it's hard to turn. However, unlike being on ice, your animal does not move faster. (I know it is already a thing but not everybody has been slimed by frogs. It is the same thing for those who have been already slimed)
Stick gives your animal a speed debuff, like mud. These two combined can render an animal almost completely immobile.
Toucans and Gorillas also gives stick/slime
Rare ideas (besides new animals)(all rares have more HP then normal version, including the new animal rares above)

• King Cobra- Cobra Rare, 4/700. Gets three venom balls instead of two. Venom does 1.75x damage, 1.1x duration (compared to regular Cobra). Fast in mud. 20% larger. Contact with front of King Cobra (even if neither takes damage) will give poison that is as strong as regular Cobra venom and with 85% duration as normal Cobra venom.
• Peregrine Falcon- Falcon Rare, 2/500. Gets instant dive (no dum delays) and 2x damage as Wild Mope Falcon (it should be weaker than White Rhino). Flies 25% faster and 10% longer time than regular Falcon and dive speed is twice as fast.
• Tiger Shark (I think it should be a rare instead of shop skin. If not then call it Sand Tiger Shark)- Shark Rare, 1/200. It can grab predators (besides BD/KD) and does 1.25x damage as T-Rex (before nerf). It can grab animals that was underwater for less than 3 seconds. It cannot tailbite while grabbing (to avoid accidental level-ups), and cannot bite anything after grabbed for 2 seconds.
• Bull Shark- Shark Rare, 1/150. It can grab predators up to apex tier and does 80% damage as T-Rex (before nerf). It can grab animals that was underwater for less than 3 seconds. It cannot tailbite while grabbing (to avoid accidental level-ups), and cannot bite anything after grabbed for 2 seconds. It is 15% faster than normal Shark and 20% faster in rivers, lakes, and coast water (ocean water that does not have background tiles, found next to land).
• Diamondback Gorilla- Gorilla Rare, 2/250. It throws a Banana if it taps ability and throws a Coconut if it holds ability button for 2 seconds or more. It does 4x damage than a normal Coconut thrown by a Gorilla (both Banana and Coconut does same damage. Only difference is Banana gives stick and Coconut gives slime). It should do slightly more than two tailbites of damage.
• Marlin- Swordfish Rare- 1/200. Its charge does 3/4 damage of White Rhino charge (so it can take down 3/8 of an Elephant in one shot). It also charges at 120% speed of a Swordfish.

Things that should change to make stuff more balanced (especially with these new animals)

• Dragon does more damage and reload is decreased to two seconds
• Killer Whale actually do useful damage (maybe 15% to prey for each "blade")
• Shark gives more bleed and meat
• Shark and Killer Whale's speed in water buffed.
• Phoenix can summon tornadoes even though nothing is nearby and can command them to follow it (giving it the ability to have a group of tornadoes following it around)(needless to say, I didn't really like the Phoenix ability rework)
• Kraken gets more pull with whirlpool but less damage
• King Crab does more damage
• Falcon gets instant dive (instead of that ridiculous delay) and gets a faster dive speed and slightly more damage
• Eagle does slightly more damage to predators when it attacks the with ability
• T-Rex damage nerfed (idk how much just do it the thing is broken)
• Pterodactyl does less drop damage to equivalents
• Pelican speed in rivers, lakes, water spots, and the part of the ocean next to shore is nerfed (the thing can skate down the edge of the ocean at insane speed. It isn't even hard to chase ducks even if they are running away)

hope you like it and give me your thoughts ^^ (besides it being too long because I get plenty of those)
I give you a DOUBLE SMILEY FACE c:)

aircraft carrier, airplane, alarm clock, ambulance, angel, animal, ant, animal migration, anvil, apple, arm, asparagus, axe, backpack, banana, bandage, barn, baseball, baseball bat, basket, basketball, bat, bathtub, beach, beard, bed, bee, belt, bench, bicycle, binoculars, bird, birthday cake, blackberry, blueberry, book, boomerang, bottlecap, bowtie, bracelet, brain, bread, bridge, broccoli, broom, bucket, bulldozer, bus, bush, butterfly, cactus, cake, calculator, calendar, camel, camera, camouflage, campfire, candle, cannon, canoe, car, carrot, castle, cat, ceiling fan, cello, cell phone, chair, chandelier, church, circle, clarinet, clock, cloud, coffee cup, compass, computer, cookie, cooler, couch, cow, crab, crayon, crocodile, crown, cruise ship, cup, diamond, dishwasher, diving board, dog, dolphin, donut, door, dragon, dresser, drill, drums, duck, dumbbell, ear, elbow, elephant, envelope, eraser, eye, eyeglasses, face, fan, feather, fence, finger, fire hydrant, fireplace, firetruck, fish, flamingo, flashlight, flip flops, floor lamp, flower, flying saucer, foot, fork, frog, frying pan, garden, garden hose, giraffe, goatee, golf club, grapes, grass, guitar, hamburger, hammer, hand, harp, hat, headphones, hedgehog, helicopter, helmet, hexagon, hockey puck, hockey stick, horse, hospital, hot air balloon, hot dog, hot tub, hourglass, house, house plant, hurricane, ice cream, jacket, jail, kangaroo, key, keyboard, knee, knife, ladder, lantern, laptop, leaf, leg, light bulb, lighter, lighthouse, lightning, line, lion, lipstick, lobster, lollipop, mailbox, map, marker, matches, megaphone, mermaid, microphone, microwave, monkey, moon, mosquito, motorbike, mountain, mouse, moustache, mouth, mug, mushroom, nail, necklace, nose, ocean, octagon, octopus, onion, oven, owl, paintbrush, paint can, palm tree, panda, pants, paper clip, parachute, parrot, passport, peanut, pear, peas, pencil, penguin, piano, pickup truck, picture frame, pig, pillow, pineapple, pizza, pliers, police car, pond, pool, popsicle, postcard, potato, power outlet, purse, rabbit, raccoon, radio, rain, rainbow, rake, remote control, rhinoceros, rifle, river, roller coaster, rollerskates, sailboat, sandwich, saw, saxophone, school bus, scissors, scorpion, screwdriver, sea turtle, see saw, shark, sheep, shoe, shorts, short monster, shovel, sink, skateboard, skull, skyscraper, sleeping bag, smiley face, snail, snake, snorkel, snowflake, snowman, soccer ball, sock, speedboat, spider, spoon, spreadsheet, square, squiggle, squirrel, stairs, star, steak, stereo, stethoscope, stitches, stop sign, stove, strawberry, street light, string bean, submarine, suitcase, sun, swan, sweater, swing set, sword, syringe, table, teapot, teddy-bear, telephone, television, tennis raquet, tent, The Eiffel Tower, The Great Wall of China, The Mona Lisa, tiger, toaster, toe, toilet, tooth, toothbrush, toothpaste, tornado, tractor, traffic light, train, tree, triangle, trombone, truck, trumpet, t-shirt, umbrella, underwear, van, vase, violin, washing machine, watermelon, waterslide, whale, wheel, windmill, wine bottle, wine glass, wristwatch, yoga, zebra, zigzag,

Hi all I'll just get to the point My phone is mi 8 lite just got it Im looking forward to flash it with Pixel Experience Ive downloaded all the required files but Im stuck at unlocking bit.

1. Can this be done without unlocking boot loader officially through xiaomi?

Also, I type a lot but im having bit difficulty with google keyboard and xiaomi smiley keyboard or whatever it is called. Next question is :

1. Why Can't I install Blackberry keyboard on my device with miui?

Dont know much about the nitty gritty of android and thanks in advance

My husband introduced me to golf anticipating as we aged a stroll on a warm day over grassy greens would provide recreation and relaxation.**
Well, after nearly four decades of wedded bliss, walks in the park sounded inviting. I figured if he is going to golf, I will learn to golf. This also followed the advice Mom shared just before walking down the aisle.
“If he gets in the car, climb in beside him.”
Since I am not one to sit at home alone, this advice proved easy to follow. Because of this dictate, I learned to water ski, snowmobile, shoot a 22 and hunt. (I don’t kill deer, just walk around looking for them so some might call it hiking.) Over the years, Randy gave gifts encouraging my involvement in his interests: a bowling bag, a motorcycle helmet, snow boots and a pistol. Five years ago, we purchased Harley Davidson Motorcycles, his, an Ultra Classic and mine, a sleek, sexy, black Street Guide. Following Mom’s guidance, we ride beside each other.
Over time, extreme sports offer less appeal and more pain. Thus, I felt no surprise when Randy gifted me a golf bag and clubs for my birthday allowing me to climb in beside him once again. In a short time, I learned several lessons altering my view of the sport.

• Golf balls’ personalities personify treachery.
• Golf is a game of unfair advantages. (A beginner doesn’t stand a chance.)
• Golf course designers possess sick sense of humors. (Some are simply possessed!)
• Golf is painful - NOT relaxing

Nine holes through the eyes of a beginning golfer.
Last week, traveling and camping along the Oregon Coast provided time for several long, peaceful walks on the beach. At the end of the week the sound of the waves faded, and we found ourselves surrounded by the giant Redwoods. When we pulled into our RV spot, our eyes lit up to discover a golf course adjacent to the park. With a stroll on the beach unavailable, a walk among the majestic evergreens provided an exciting alternative. When we paid for our parking space, we made reservation to play a round.
The next morning, Randy parked a golf cart beside our travel trailer, handed me my shoes and prepared to chauffeur me to the course.

Golf balls’ personalities personify treachery. 

I climbed into my waiting chariot to sit “beside” my prince. The plush, green carpet of grass on the first tee box welcomed us. The soft ground accepted my yellow tee; the tee cradled my matching yellow ball. (No reason not to be stylish.) I dug through the twelve clubs (wondering why anybody needed twelve) and retrieved my 7-wood. (One of the four I would use). Standing over the ball, I mentally scanned my checklist like a pilot performing a pre-flight inspection.

1. Wrap hand around shaft of the driver.
2. Interlock the fingers.
3. Place feet on either side of the ball.
4. Position back foot closer to the ball.
5. Bend legs at knees - slightly
6. Line toes up with the flag (Where is that flag?)
7. Take a practice swing.

Damn! I was supposed to do that before positioning myself in front of the ball. Now, a swing wouldn’t be rehearsal. Unfortunately, not the first time making this mistake, I stepped back, pendulumed the club, wiggled my hips to loosen up, and swiped at the imaginary ball. A tuft of dirt and grass sprayed the air. (Probably a good idea to practice.) A couple more swipes combined with a bash, whack and a smack completed my warm-up. The checklist recommenced.

1. Wrap both hand around shaft of the driver with one below the other.
2. Interlock the fingers with the right thumb under the left palm. (I need the stability.)
3. Place feet on either side of the ball. (Remember to stand back the length of the club.)
4. Position back foot closer to the ball. (There was that time . . . It didn’t work.)
5. Bend legs at knees – slightly. (Excessive stooping results in a sore back and potholed ground.)
6. Line toes up with the flag. (It’s that tiny, little, blue patch fluttering in the wind. No, that’s a bird. Look to the right.)
7. Take a practice swing. (Did that! Move this to the top of the list next time.)
8. Swing.

I gazed up to watch it fly – nothing. I glanced right and left – nope. Accusingly, I glared down to discover my ball smiling up at me. (As a helpful gesture to identify my ball, Randy had inked a smiley face on the pimpled cheeks of my golf ball.) I heard it taunting, “Want to try that again?” At that moment, smacking the smile off the face of that ball sounded appealing but wouldn’t help my game so I began working through the checklist - again. Only this time revised step 7, “Don’t take your eye off the ball.”
I swung. It connected. The orb flew like a fledgling leaving its nest, bounced once and stopped 30 feet in front of me. The pre-flight routine occurred again, and again, and again - repeatedly. Each stroke achieving slightly more distance until Satan, (Yep, I named the ball.) rested on the edge of the green.

Golf is a game of unfair advantages. 

As my procedure repeated, my husband, the pinnacle of patience, played his own game. With his first swing, the ball graced the sky like a soaring eagle. With poise and dignity, it settled on the edge of the green. (There’s that damn flag!) Adding supportive to his positive qualities, he rode in the cart beside me offering encouragement with each stroke as I made way down the fairway. Understand he offered me a ride but the distance to the cart usually equaled the distance to the ball. By the time we reached the green, I walked 360 yards repeatedly punching the object of my hostility and then putted three times to sink it. Randy two putted and made birdie. (That means he hit the ball one time less than the course designer expected.) My hostility shifted from the ball to the man.
On the third hole, Mr. Satan (I was learning to show some respect.) flew higher than any previous effort. A hollow thunk sounded when he smacked a tree and the flight of a startled bird confirmed my suspicion. My spirits crashed upon discovering the blackberry patch beneath the mammoth oak had swallowed the devil. (I felt little sympathy for my ball and a lot of pity for myself.) I searched until the thorns chased me away; however, not empty handed. My ball was gone, but berries rewarded my efforts. Sarcastically, Randy claimed my game might improve if I gave it as much attention. “The look” silenced him but I shared some berries.

Golf course owners and designers possess sick sense of humors. 

A sign at the tee box of the next hole declared it a par 5. Translating that to my language it meant the hole was really, really long. I noticed the tee no longer easily pressed into ground as I needed to push down with my heel after scoping out a spot absent of rocks. Interesting how the landscaping deteriorated the further we climbed up the mountain. (Yes, I said mountain and climbed.) The angle increased proportionally to the temperature. We also noticed above ground tree roots thickened, the fairways grew narrower, and the greens were . . . . tacky?
Each hole offered a new challenge that (at first) I embraced. I can do this! The purpose of the pond in the middle of the fairway of the fourth hole remained unclear. Why anyone would intentionally dump yards of sand (in two different locations) on the fifth fairway confused my logic, and the reasoning for cutting the lawn to different lengths seemed senseless as well as time consuming.

Golf is painful NOT relaxing. 

By the time I walked onto the seventh tee box, my muscles ached. (Mathematician have probably already determined I had hit the ball a minimum of 70 times, not to mention the practice shots, the swings that missed the ball and the few that rototilled the earth.) The sun baked all exposed limbs leaving me red and tender. Strolls on the beach had not conditioned me for mountain climbing so my thighs throbbed. Recognizing my fatigue, Randy used his positive attitude, humor and constructive criticism to provide encouragement. In return, I smiled, laughed, walked ahead and muttered, “dumbass!” I stopped sharing my blackberries.
On the eighth hole, the heat and exertion consumed whatever energy remained in my limbs.
I entered the tee box, positioned Beelzebub and performed my pre-flight routine (AGAIN). A silent alarm sounded in my head signaling something was wrong. Something did not feel right because my hand held a small, flat faced putter instead of the necessary large headed driver.
For a moment I thought about just going for it but recognized the futility of this idea.
Seeing my bag on the back of the cart some distance ahead, I broke all golf protocol and yelled, “Come back!”
Randy saw my dilemma, handed me what he thought to be the perfect club and smiled. He knew better than to laugh when I held this club. Though I preferred the driver to the iron, it was easier to say, “Thank you” and swing. After which I decided maybe it wasn’t easier but knew I wasn’t tackling the blackberries again with no hope of retrieving a ball I could not see. So, to hell with etiquette.

“Babe, come back.”

When he passed me the driver, I threw blackberries at him.
As we approached the ninth and final hole, I picked another handful of berries, washed them down with the last of the water, recognized the need for a bathroom (Soon) and handed my wood (same thing as a driver) to Randy. “Just hit to the green.” He did. I two putted the ball ending with the best hole of the day.
Randy drove the cart back to four trailer and I rode beside him. As we talked about our adventure, I confessed to understanding why he gave me the older, worn balls; it would be expensive to lose so many new, Titlest balls. He complimented me on finally remembering to put my club back in the bag after leaving it laying on the green the first three holes. And we both promised to never share the story about when one of my pasties fell out of my shirt onto the green which would not have been bad if it hadn’t interrupted by swing. At the trailer, we each opened a beer and I asked, “What about golf do you find relaxing?”
When we opened the second bottle, and sat down beside me. He replied, “The beer.”

Yes, I was feeling relaxed. 

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