Hello, i am a 19M.
recently i've been feeling tense/stressed most of the day, i also feel like im always angry which makes me feel terrible because sometimes i would push away my little sister who comes to my room to play, i've been feeling very depressed a few months ago for maybe a couple of months, the last month i've been feeling less sad, but then i have been feeling more angry and stressed.
i am almost finishing my second year of university, i study CS but i have no interest in it whatsoever and it makes me feel kinda bad when i see my classmates are so into it which makes me feel i am not on the right place, this has been giving me an identity crises when i was depressed and i was so stressed that i might throw away my life in my 30s because i am now in a job that i have no interest in it, i dont feel that way much now but i still have 0 interest in my career sadly, and i dont even know what i would pick if i decide to change it.
i feel like nothing i do is really enjoyable to me nowadays, i could play games but i dont really enjoy it if i play alone, i do it just so i can do something instead of rotting in bed, i always wanted to learn how to draw but everytime i try to learn i just dont enjoy the learning process, now there are things that i do that i am not sure if i call enjoyable but they do bring me peace i guess, which is going to the gym or cycling in my neighbourhood, when i used to be depressed i have went cycling everyday and it was the only thing that made the day bearable, i also used to make legos which did very much give me peace and i guess i did enjoy it, i used to do it for an hour or so while listening to ambient music and thinking about random stuff, now i have a jigsaw that i have been wanting to finish for a month but i never feel like it, i have a big portrait in my room that i am supposed to put the jigsaw in so now everytime i look at the empty portrait i feel shame and guilt.
usually, the things that brings me joy the most is when i play with my close friends online, it is the only time when i feel like i have much energy and talk a lot, but i dont like it because it makes me feel very dependant and makes me feel weak, i want to enjoy my time alone but i dont know how, i have cooked today and went to the gym and played a little and went for a walk, but i just feel so empty and it doesnt bring me joy nor peacefulness.
one very important thing also that i have been very much enjoying is talking to a girl who i am not sure if i should call her my GF, the situation is a bit complicated, we met thro an app that you send letters to random people, i met her 5 months ago, we talked a lot and exchanged our number so we could chat in real time and we also used to do video calls and watch movies or just talk for hours, a few months into it i told her how i feel about her, she then told me that she feels the same, the thing is we live very far apart, a continent away which is why we still arent "officially dating" but we both know how we feel about each other and we talked about it and obviously we still feel the same and we tease each other about it, but i feel like i dont know how to handle the situation much, which may be the reason why i am feeling like that ? i do want to stay with her, and she has told me that she does not mind moving in the country with me if things stay the way they are in the future (no less than 4 years), i mean, my 2 closest friendships have been all online and we have been very close since 2018, but one thing is, she sometimes would like to be "alone" for a couple of days which makes me feel insecure or that she does not like me much, i respect her alone time and i never objected it, but i just feel terrible, we did not talk much because she had finals and when she finished this weekend she said she wanted to be alone for a bit, i got a bit angry but obviously i did not say anything to her and i will not, it is her time, but i see her posting/interacting online which yeah makes me feel like shit, it makes me feel like i am not appreciated enough or something, or also i have sent her a letter a couple of days ago (when she said she wanted to be alone for a bit) and she still has not opened it which makes me yep yo guessed it, like shit and "inferior", now again i respect her time that is why i have not nagged about it to her, but it is just something that i dont understand myself, it is not the first time she has done this btw, i dont feel like not wanting to talk to my close people for a couple of days every now and then, when i feel bad it is when i want to be with people more, she has told me that i am very special to her and i am stuff and stuff, and every time we talk it is great and we laugh for hours and i very much enjoy being with her and she said the same. i have dealt with similar feelings like that a lot, i might have BDP but i never went to therapy and cant afford it and am afraid to ask my parents and dont want to.
i feel like i am living on autopilot, i dont have real plans for the day, i usually get excited to sleep so next day would come and maybe exciting things would happen suddenly, or checking my phone to see if i got a text from someone i love. how can i start living life the way i find it great ? because i hate life like that...
thank you.

Hi all,
I want to get some feedback on how life is with a pacemaker when diagnosed with bradycardia? I suspect like I have had bradycardia for many many years, but recently been very symptomatic. Gone to the hospital 3 times in 2 months thinking I'm having a heart attack. Go there and all my vitals checks out fine.
Some of my symptoms include: lightheadedness, confusion, shortness of breath, feeling week.
I used to do stair master and now when I do it I truly feel like a heart patient post heart attack.
2 doctors telling me 2 different things l:
Doc 1 is a well known professional at UTSW and is saying we need to check for sleep apnea. A low of 27 bpm is low but not dangerous.
Doc 2 is local and one of the first things he asked wAs if I have passed out yet and says this needs to be addressed immediately. Sending me to electrophysiology and to get a sooner sleep study. Told me if I pass out it's almost definitely a pacemaker in the hospital.
What is life like with a pacemaker? Does it make symptoms go away? Does it help you live a normal life?

The day was normal. We had kisses. I love you's. He took a shower with me. We went on a date and we stopped by home to to check on our sick dog whome I've had for 15 years ( is being put down in 2 days. And before we enter the house it takes my hand says I love you I smiled and I kissed him and he looks at me but I want a divorce.
I know the reason he went from love. It's not that I am a bad wife. But made a promise to get drunk again but I had news that and every must be removed (we don't have kids). I am 39 in one month. Are birthdays are 1 week apart and our wedding anniversary is 5 days before that. It's not the news as much as the harassment and jokes from a toxic roommate and his gf , my father, my brother,the endless harassment and hurtful and awful things they say it broke me. I could get the thoughts out. O couldn't sleep eat in such a painful way I couldn't anymore I broke the promise he told me he would. I am not violent or yelling or anything like that I just needed calm in my brain. It was unbearable and I hadn't told him yet He's been on long trip away from me. I was alone and he posted some friends who announced theirs on a video chat. I didn't break. I worked out. I lost weight to be attractive to him I didn't break even with the news. I didn't tell him about the surgery because I didn't want to stress or ruin his trip. O didn't tell when he got back yet because had work immediately jet lag. But I could feel the breaking. The doctors calling me waiting to set up surgery. The harassment by everyone. Hearing the the things said to me. Would hurt anyone. I broke and I got caught.
I gave my life to him. All of it. O didn't work on the begining because of the needs he needed being from a different country. The paperwork and so many other things. And as I was starting to look for work. Double jammies hit. We had to move and finding a place quickly. This was right around COVID. The real hard hit was his father needed a liver donation he left me my by myself to handle everything and while he went over seas to check if he is a match and the biggest hit of all they found my husband had cancer in the kidneys and needed surgery the the next day. I was devistated. I had first panic attack when he went into surgery didn't sleep didn't eat. I lost 60 lbs while he was gone and 2 months later he returned and needed care insurance appointments so many things. I didn't go to work. I worked to take care of him.
2 years down the line our dogs sick I started looking for work. The post convid prices everything went up. I was struggling to find meaningful work. My world revolved around him though. We were happy but stresses piled up. I don't thingk ever fought with him. O never yelled at him. I went to therapy to put my PTSD and depression in check. But my one vice after giving up smoking, being healthy, and so many positive things I sometimes drank too much. It wasn't daily or anything but when I did I binged. Again my sadness would show and he couldn't stand the sloppy behavior. I haven't drank hard liquor, normals beers, wine and everything else except occasional Michelobea. The less I drank the more easy it got drink when I did. I fought like hell and when he did want to leave once before I promised to stop.
Well I broke. And he knew. He was cruel about it this time. No discussion just what he said. And his only answer is this is final. O brokdoqn. I cried and I didn't know what to do. He is my friend. My only friend and the love of my life. I had a second panic attack in my life to a point ambulance was going to be called. It was massive. It was so bad with shaking I could walk, I couldn't breath, my heart felt crushed I couldn't speak. I dropped my phone. He was all I could gasping for air call outloud. To call and help me. He disnt. He squeezed my hands. He calmed me down. Enough to get me to our home. I literally have noone else in my. He is my everything. With out finding work ( I have put hundreds of applications but very little interviews and 0 job find.) I have zero friends. Noone I can talk it was always him. I have no one I can turn to. No home I can go to. I am literally left with nothing. He has everyone. His job, friends, even the toxic roommate who everyone knows. I everything I own is from. I never asked for things but he loves me. He was so wonderful to me. Even now I couldn't bare to be alone. Ask him to stay on the room. He did in a chair but then tried to move to the floor. I can't bare him like that I will leave to another room. He eventually stayed in bed with me but on the extreme side.
I cried quietly. I haven't slept. He is still next to me now asleep. I wanted to touch him but he doesn't want it. I have no ne for comfort. Our dog will be out down tommorrow. I will be a broken person. Today is the first I looked at him I said I love and I didn't hear back. I was left crying alone. He has been silent. I know what I did wrong. I was weak, frail and alone. He is the only man I have wanted children with. He took the time to bring me water to say a few words but not much. He said there is nothing to change his decision. He still stayed in the room and bed with me. I know one thing. I will not live long if this really sticks. Not because I slash my wrists or hang myself but I will wither to the point of death quickly by accident, by not eating, by not paying attention to road unconciously. I am 100% of this. When I say he is the air I breath he is. the love I have had for him as been endless since the 1st second we met. If he would just give me one more chance. Maybe talk to someone together. I was so close to succeeding on everything to make a dream life for us. To never touch a drink again, But I broke. I know he loves me but he is a calculating man and logic and when he says something he sticks to it.
Please no you gotta go make a life stuff etc. life isnt like that. If anyone has professional experience or successful experience. I don't know how long I have to try and love won just a little I will work for it. Thank you in advance.

my neighbor lives in a 600 sq ft studio apartment. she has one cat, which she has had for a couple of years since she was a kitten. She goes away a lot, most weekends, and sometimes for longer stretches. She used to ask my husband to check on her cat, but she doesn’t even ask anymore, probably because she feels awkward asking so much. she just tells us she’s going to be gone for “a couple” of days and leaves for however long she wants. She’s been gone now for six days. There’s automatic food and water dispensers, but the litter box hasn’t been cleaned. There are no cat trees or activities other than some small toys.
my husband is the one who actually goes into her apartment to take care of the kitty. he says the animal is Not suffering. i think the conditions seem inhumane, but i have a tendency to spoil my pets. i’m wondering what to do. she knows we’re not willing to keep watching her cat for these constant trips. it’s not like they are for work or family. it’s to party. is it okay to leave a cat alone in a small studio for days like this? does this cat need better conditions? is this like actual animal cruelty or just kinda crummy?
i seriously lose sleep over this, because i feel like an animal is suffering nearby. my husband has already told her that she needs to be here and take care of her cat herself. how long do we let this go on before intervening? at what point does this become a rehome conversation?
thanks so much and please understand i am very far from intending to like take her cat. i know we could still have more conversations with our neighbor. i just want to approach her being equipped with advice from the experts. i don’t know much about cats. maybe this is fine. idk.
it’s just that everyone else i know who has cats actually pays someone to properly care for and clean up after their cats if they’re gone for more than two days… we don’t need to be paid. we are happy to do this for free for our neighbor, once in a while. this neighbor is leaving constantly though and not making any arrangements.
i will add that some cats are higher maintenance than others, and this is an extremely low maintenance cat. she doesn’t complain ever or act like anything is wrong. it’s entirely possible that everything is fine. is everything fine? am i freaking out over nothing?

Hi all!
I just got my results and passed AT/AT/AT! I'm incredibly happy and wanted to share my journey, breakdown of study schedule, resources, costs and more with you all. A huge thanks to this reddit thread because it helped me prepare for my journey when I knew nothing.
My Background:

• I am not an experienced PM by any means. I'm 2 years post grad and have worked within the tech space- specifically within BD, Sales, DEI, and Partnerships. I did informal Project Management roles within these disciplines and fell in love with the profession. I wanted to transition into PM but felt my lack of formal PM experience could be a hindering factor (In no way am I trying to say that the PMP replaces experience- this is just my journey). I learned about the PMP, applied, got accepted, and sought the opportunity as a way to make myself certified in the professions knowledge + more marketable within the job space.

6 Week Study Schedule Breakdown
Week 1 and Week 2

• I already had my Google Project Management certificate and that counted towards the 35 hours needed to apply for the PMP exam (I got the certificate before knowing about PMP and all), but I did not feel that knowledge was adequate for the exam. Through this reddit thread I researched different options and decided on Andrew Ramdayal's course on Udemy (I will link all the resources below).
• I personally like Andrew and would recommend him. He is easy to follow along but can be confusing at times. His section on the 49 processes and ITTO's was pretty difficult to follow the first time around. His Agile + Mindset section was really good though.
• I completed this course in 2 weeks in order to build my foundational knowledge, and scored a 72% on his practice exam.

Week 3

• I felt a bit of burnout after completing his course in 2 weeks so I moved a bit slow this week.
• I reviewed all the notes I took in his class, made flashcards, and even memorized the 49 processes in order (I did not remember their order by the time I took the exam haha).
• I read the PMBOK 7th edition in it's entirety- its not a large book at all. It took me about 3 days to complete reading it. I got mine from my local library for free!
• I still felt like I needed things to be broken down further, so I watched Ricardo Vargas' videos breaking down the PMBOK 6th edition and the PMBOK 7th edition. It solidified my knowledge and simplified the concepts to me.

Week 4 + Week 5

• I finally purchased Study Hall (Essentials) which was the best decision for my study journey. I began doing the practice questions, mini exams, and practice exams.
• For essentials, there are 717 practice questions, 2 practice exams, and 15 mini exams.
• Study Hall is a GREAT resource because it has a similar format to the exam (except the questions can be quite long sometimes). It has explanations for each question and has an array of different sections to practice. My score breakdown: Mini exams: 79%, Practice Questions (Completed 600/717): 76%, Mock Exam 1: 77%, Mock Exam 2: 78%
• Alongside this I was doing the SECOND BEST resource- David McLachlan's videos on Youtube.
• I completed his 100 Waterfall Questions, 200 Agile Questions, and 150 PMBOK 7th questions.
• He walks you through his thought process when answering the exam and this truly, truly helped me in a way I can't describe. You adopt his mindset and it makes it very understandable. It's a great resource for free questions too. He's extremely friendly, motivating, and easy to understand.
• This is where the majority of my understanding took place in terms of the exam and how to develop a PM mindset.

Week 6

• I purchased 3rdRock notes previously but hadn't touched them. I decided to read through it during my last week to help review and reinforce the knowledge I needed.
• I really like these notes- they're organized, easy to understand, and fill in knowledge gaps.
• I do NOT recommend this as a study resource, but rather a REVIEW resource. I tried reading it during my week 3 phase and it was confusing for me. When I read it in week 6, it was a lot more understandable.
• I re-read the mindset section 2 times, but only read through the entire study guide once.
• During this week I was reviewing 3rd rock notes, finishing up mini exams, doing practice questions, but most importantly I was reviewing the questions I got wrong in Study Hall and understanding why.
• I stopped studying the day before my exam ( well the afternoon before, I needed to finish up reading on mindset in the morning lol).

Simplified Breakdown of Studying:

• Week 1 + 2: Andrews 35 hour course- building my foundational knowledge
• Week 3- Reviewing notes, reading PMBOK 7th edition, reinforcing knowledge with Ricardo's videos- solidifying my knowledge.
• Week 4 + 5: Study Hall + DM's videos- applying my knowledge
• Week 6: Finishing up SH questions, reviewing 3rdrock notes, and going over questions I got wrong in Study Hall- final review

Exam Day

• I opted to take my exam at home. It was an easy processes- just be mindful of clearing your desk. During checkin you have to take a picture of yourself, your valid ID, pictures in front of your deck, behind, to the left, and to the right. They say you can't start until your official exam time starts but they let you start right after you finish checkin (which lasts like 10 mins max).
• No issues during the exam except the proctor did tell me to back my face up whenever i got closer to the screen (I have bad eyesight lol).
• The exam itself is easier than Study Hall in my opinion. A good amount of easy/moderate questions. I really did not feel like I had many Expert Level questions- maybe 15-20 maximum? It was nothing like the extremely difficult Expert level questions in Study Hall- those felt impossible to me! Majority of questions are in the difficult range- but still I felt it was easier to eliminate answers purely based on mindset even if you don't know the specific context.
• I had ZERO calculation questions, ONE graph questions, FOUR drag and drop, and ZERO mbti questions.
• I paced really well with my practice exams, finishing in about 2.5 hours maximum but during the actual exam I felt time moving a lot more fast! I had 17 mins to spare at the end which might seem like a lot- but I am a fast test taker so this was pretty shocking. Be mindful of your time! During the given breaks I would calculate how much time I should spend on the next section.
• Take your breaks! Even if you're at home. I washed my face with cold water to refresh myself and would just relax and breath. I didn't take the entire 10 mins (usually 5-7 mins) because I was at home, but I would encourage the full 10 if you can.
• I finished my exam around 10 PM (22:00) and received my results within 12 hours.

Resource Cost Breakdown

• Andrew's Course: $20
• Ricardo Vargas YT videos: FREE
• PMBOK 7th edition : FREE (check your local library)
• Study Hall Essentials $49
• DM's YT videos: FREE
• 3rdRock Notes: $15

My Takeaway:

• Andrew's course was great for foundational knowledge- but it's not enough to pass the exam. I think he is a great option for the initial 35 hours, but if I had known beforehand that David McLachlan also had them then I would weigh my options between the two.
• Ricardo's videos are great at breaking down the processes + domains in a simple manner. Worth your time!
• Study Hall Essentials is KEY. I think Study Hall PLUS is an overkill because I think when you break the numbers down, they have almost a similar amount of questions- PLUS just has more practice exams. I do NOT recommend sitting down and completing all 5 of those if you get PLUS, just doing the two in ESSENTIALS was so draining for me. But if Study Hall is your ONLY resource, then I would consider PLUS. Other than that, Essentials is perfect.
• DM's videos are a game changer. It helps develop your thought process and mindset, 100/10 recommend. He has way more videos too on his channel.
• PMBOK 7th edition is not a difficult read and I'm glad I read it but it's completely fine if you don't. I don't think it's necessary, you can just watch Ricardo's breakdown of it.
• 3rdRock notes are great and helped me review- but I don't think it's essential. If you're tight on funds, this is one I would leave out. It is helpful BUT just not essential in my opinion.

Resource Links:

• Andrew Ramdayal's Course: https://www.udemy.com/course/pmp-certification-exam-prep-course-pmbok-6th-edition/
• 3rd Rock notes: https://buymeacoffee.com/third3rock
• Study Hall Essentials: https://www.pmi.org/certifications/certification-resources/pmi-study-hall
• Ricardo Vargas 6th edition: https://www.pmi.org/certifications/certification-resources/pmi-study-hall
• Ricardo Vargas 7th edition: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVlrxOQoSUw
• DM's 100 Waterfall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIH-u81XCxM
• DM's 200 Agile: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNIHysh2ZW4
• DM's 150 PMBOK 7th: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zht0-j03NfQ

This thread helped me out SO much, so I am happy to answer ANY questions or give advice to anyone preparing for the exam. Congrats to those who also passed recently, let's remember to celebrate!

Follow-up of this, done with an actual 720p60 AV1 file encoded by YouTube.
It's a 56-minute documentary by Gamers Nexus. The video bit rate is 1271 kb/s. The footage is not very fast paced, but it's quite detailed, consisting mostly of handheld but fairly steady camera shots. So while it's not a torture test in terms of the decoding difficulty, it is a 60 fps video and should be representative of the sort of video a YouTube viewer can be expected to watch at the mid-to-higher end of the 720p quality ladder.
If you want to test it yourself, get a recent version of yt-dlp and run the following command to download the video along with a 64k Opus audio track:

yt-dlp -f 398+250 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H4eg2jOvVw

Results

Starting at 100% battery, the file was played with VLC 3.5.4 on repeat for 3 hours and 6 minutes. Screen brightness was set to 40%, Adaptive brightness was turned off, as was Eye comfort shield. Audio volume was set to 53%.
After 3 hours and 6 minutes, the phone's reported battery level had dropped to 71%. According to the Battery activity screen, VLC used 25.5% of the battery during that time.
Seeing as this phone has a 5000 mAh battery, assuming it still has its full capacity (it should be close, as I use this one extremely lightly, maybe less than an hour per week total), we can calculate that a single minute of playback used 7.799 mAh of battery capacity. From this, we can calculate that on this phone, you could watch 9 hours and 36 minutes of YouTube before the battery got down to 10% capacity.
Based on this result, I stand by my belief that as long as YouTube keeps the resolution they serve by default for phone users in check, the average user won't be affected by AV1 software decoding with dav1d very much.
You either need to watch a lot of YouTube before this increased battery drain becomes an issue, and I'd say the anyone who watches YouTube that much or demands a higher resolution than 720p on their phone (resulting in higher battery drain) is more of a power user. And as we know from first-hand experience, power users and enthusiasts complain a lot more than the average user. So when you see complaints about increased battery drain, keep in mind who it's coming from, and that the sky is not, in fact, falling.

Next?

If I can be asked, I'd like to test the following things:

• Test the H.264 version of the video and compare the difference in battery drain.
  
• Test the 1080p60 version of the video. 720p somehow makes your eyes bleed on a phone screen, how much battery will switching to 1080p cost you?
  

becoming addicted to porn is not only terrible for you physically but mentally and emotionally
porn destroys your dopamine it can make your dick stop working ..... Do they even care NO!
on top of this fundamental MASSIVE issue on male mental health there is the aspect of just how dehumanising porn and adult cams are for the viewer
cam models are truky unbelievable from this respect. they get 1000s of lonely men and some women everyday many of who dont simply watch for sexual gratification but to interact with someone they have grown attached to.
This is possibly the most despicable business model the industry has brought out. not simply the cam for strangers aspect but the methods used to rope lonely or vulnerable men and aome women into a false sense of lust and desire only to leave them more lonely more unhappy and poorer than they were before.
These models think they are being professional its just there job and its not there responsibility they think they are being independent hard workers and lifting bank. in reality they are making ALOT of people lonely people very very unhappy because they sell them a lie . we are humans and humans need nore than just sexual gratification when we enter into sexual activity with someone that happens on a regular basis we grow attachments. and the fact that almost all of these models image is social media you will not even hear many if them speak or know anything about them or there personalities whats foing on in there life how they think and act . all you know is the stupid posey images they have cultivated to t either independently or even worse through a studio,studios are even worse because viewers who think they are interacting with them are probably speaking ro a god damn ghost writer.
so realistically as human beings this is not good enough these cam sites are a terrible affliction on men and some women because viewers bomd with this fake limited persona and it creates a deep infatuation and lust and this is what models and the porn industry want they want people to be slaves to give up there hard earned money it really is despicable just how dehumanising it is people who become attached
and the way models talk about viewers its just all buisness which granted im not surprised.
bur it really is terrible . i viewed cams for years never had any attachments was just a means to an end . then one day i discovered a girl and couldn't get her out of my head then i got talking to her which was how you would imagine then i started tipping because it was the only way i could get more of her attention, then i realised the costs just kept rising and rising and rising she only cammed a few hours a day and if you paid the most you could have a private show cam 2 cam , which could run you £80 -£100 for very little time then shed log out almost immediately once the days takings were cleared. i became a fan club member and shed pm everytime i logged in, then she asked did i want to buy her wattsapp, then she offered to resuce the price.
Never become infatuated with a cam model or someone that is primarily focused around your money.
you will only be the one to suffer
tou are essentially left with a deep crush over someone. someone you know nothing about like I said you never even heard them talk you know nothing about them or there personality you know how real human interactions work , it works well for them because you as a viewer are left with zero closure rhere is no closure on your lust for them and rhey want this they want there models to be running around in your mind all the time because without any closure thats what happens you can think about anything else.
it truly a despicable industry and all these women and men just want validation and money and they throw it back in the viewers face everytime you watch them.
cam modelling has become a serious problem for many people. some men having spent 100s of 1000s on them ive even read horror stories of men who have killed because people tried to stop there addiction. which is just truly unbelievable
but for the average guy he becomes infatuated and it weighs on him he can do nothing about and is now afflicted with the cam girl disease he cant get closure he cant think about anything else and ahe fucking laughing all the way to the bank
fuck that god damn industry
some of us are simply trying to fix our bodies and minds because of rhe damage years of porn addiction has had on us to then become emotionally attached to a fucking cam model
you just cant make rhis shit up and it is completely destroying many of us
you ask why you have pied ... because there is ZERO intimacy ZERO connection. you watch cam shows you quickly notice many of those guys are there to talk not just use as an outlet. they have been conned into emotionally and many can only get sexually engaged once that's been established and the only way to do that is be top tippers its such a scummy buisness
basically i need to find a way now to find closure because of this shady destructive fucking business and forget about this model i know nothing about and all i have to go on his prepared images bios and brief broadcasts and pms im probably talking to a ghost writer.
i got by just fine in life porn was an addiction but it was never an emotional addiction it was simply i was horny or bored rhis cam model shit is just totally obscure . its unnatural and its bery very damaging
i would imagine there are many men who have fallen for this and now bare the wounds of the vam models .
because at the peak of my addiction i favoured cam model ober real life people.
what does rhat mean for me as a human being it neans i am emotionally chronically void and thats going to eventually have repercussions being detached from real people and becoming attached to a false persona but a real person behind it that you know nothing about
Now ive not only gotta quit porn to fux my body mind and soul ive now have to find closure from the deep lust and loathing because of a cam model and yet there is nothing because all this addiction has done is further detach me more and more from myself and others . so i have to sit here with my broken dick my empty pockets and a deep lust and emotional void
hateful absolutely hateful industry
my life used to be pretty good before i went further down the rabbit hole
im not surprised many of us have chosen therapy. basically i need to cut all ties.
when you find you cant even cancel your subscription, youve got serious problems

And Then There Were None [[module Rate]]
Ten little soldiers, all having crossed the line,
One was distracted, and then there were nine.
Nine little soldiers, reading books at late,
One got too tired, and then there were eight.
Eight little soldiers, two up in heaven,
One tried to fly and join them, and then there were seven.
Seven little soldiers, blowing out the wicks,
One got lost in the dark, and then there were six.
Six little soldiers, running to the hive,
A busy bee stung one, and then there were five.
Five little soldiers, wondering who's Blore,
One wasn't Wargrave, and then there were four.
Four little soldiers, swimming in the sea,
One swam out too far, and then there were three.
Three little soldiers, eating up their stew
One ate too much, and then there were two.
Two little soldiers, the rest were all gone,
One AIMS to hang himself, and then there was one.
One little soldier, thinking "I should do that again!"
So we're back to the beginning,
And then there were ten.

1. Adrian Goddard glanced at the poor bastard on the receiving end of his deflected bullet
2. Lawrence Sellars watched as Henri jumped into the pool
3. Emma Rawley sent the six of them through the doorway
4. Mohammed Ayad jammed his foot on the accelerator
5. Jane Anderton didn't look at him as he asked if it was safe
6. Lev Shevchenko threw the torch onto the house
7. Jacob Devers spent one final moment with his finger on the trigger
8. Harry Thornton punched him in the head
9. Daniel Clay hesitated to fire when he started to scream
10. Edward Reiben took aim at his head
    and he carried on running Larry Sellars ripped open the envelope to his invitation, and converted it into a paper airplane that exploded into a literal fireball when it slammed into the window. “Considering buying some of your pieces,” he read aloud. “Would like to meet you in person. Meet me at Soldier Island. Costs and travel will be sorted after you meet with my assistant, Blaine, later today… ring if you cannot make it… blah blah blah… Yours Sincerely, Mr. Rios-Guy. Huh. Nice name. Still, what creatively bankrupt goon names a placed Soldier Island? Christie did that ages ago, mate.”
    

He stood up, before saying, “Still, good artists copy, great artists steal.”
Jane Anderton read through the email quickly. An invitation to Devon from somebody she had never heard of did arouse some suspicions, but she needed some time off anyway. If she hadn’t have sold that damned death clock, she probably wouldn't have been demoted. Hell, she probably would- should have taken that idiot Hartwell’s job if he hadn’t brought up some bullshit about “ethical violations”- like he gave a toss! Like he wouldn't have done the same if he could get away with it, like she would have without the fucking idiot customer leaving their address on the fridge!
“Didn't matter, it was done,” she thought, before looking once more at the address. Soldier Island. Wasn’t that the one from that old Agatha Christie book? She looked at it a final time, before shrugging her shoulders and saying, “Fuck it, why not?” to nobody in particular.
Corporal Edward Reiben read his letter slowly. He had put off opening it all day; not out of fear, but out of preserving the anticipation like a child before Christmas. He didn’t receive any more mail after Sam died. When he read that Mr. Rios-Guy was hoping to hire three new security staff- and that he was one of them- his first thought was that it was that arsehole Evans playing a trick on him, or some pathetic scam trying to rinse him of his last few pennies. But… it didn’t ask for any credit card information, and the only thing Evans did was call him, “Reibender,” before Captain Moore told him to back off. He didn’t mention the letter.
When Blaine actually arrived at the barracks hidden off somewhere among the Surrey countryside, he hugged him.
Lev Shevchenko spent five minutes thinking after he had finished his letter- or perhaps fantasizing would be a more accurate term. He had always wanted to visit England, and with Rios promising to sort out his Visa, it had the potential to turn his life around.
He spent the next half hour arguing with Mr Blaine over the accompaniment of Alexandra and Vera, his wife and daughter. Blaine finally compromised by agreeing to pay for their accommodation and travel, but that they would stay in a separate hotel in Devon, more than thirty miles away. They agreed on that.
He waited three hours to tell them, saying no more than the occasional hint of a big surprise. He gathered them in the living room- after assuring Vera many times that she was not in trouble- when he had finally accepted himself what was happening.
It still didn’t stop him breaking into a massive smile before he could say the words “Very important letter.”
He screamed his name for hours. The storm raged. Waves smashed against the side of the Vindication, rain teemed down in its thousands, and the moon’s hue was reduced to a vague haze by the pitch black clouds. Foundation agent Rawley sat quietly inside, reading slowly over her invitation.
“Dear Ms. Rawley, It is my pleasure to invite you to a small social gathering at Soldier Island. I have been looking for a decent body guard since I acquired the place, and your record indicates you are somebody I would like to have in my organization. Please consider it. Funding for your journey will be provided. My assistant, William Blaine, will arrive shortly. Please contact me if you are unable to attend. Yours sincerely, Mr. Rios-Guy” She had gone for it. What the hell, it would be a decent excuse for weekend off, and her boss Tanners didn’t have a problem with it.
She looked up at the ten other people on the boat. The cabin was cramped; ten of them sat in the cabin, while Blaine piloted the boat.
She turned to the person next to her. He looked about five years younger than her thirty two, his face clean-shaven and his hair cut short.
“Hey, why’d they hire you?” she asked, more out of boredom than curiosity.
He responded with a thick American accent. “Said they wanted to have a chef.”
“Huh. Security guard.” She extended a hand for him to shake, and he took it.
“Harry Thornton. Work for the United Independent Utilities, hoping that’s going to change soon.”
“Emma Rawley,” she said, thinking for a moment as to whether to mention that independent and united were mutually exclusive.
“You know the owner?”
“Mr Rios-guy? Nah, haven’t even seen him, actually.”
“Huh. Neither have I. Hey, you ever read And Then There Were None? Cause, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say this seems like the exact same plot.”
“You a murderer?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact. Killed a homeless guy just an hour ago,” Thornton said, totally deadpan.
“Yeah, good one. How long till we get to this damn island anyway?”
“Think that’s it coming up now,” he said, jabbing his slender index finger against the window misted by condensation at the sole light in the endless expanse of the sea.
Adrian Goddard idly flicked through his e-book on his phone. He didn’t really understand it- Why was Norton beating up Meeks, when the Helios were dragging Dufay away?- but, seeing as he lost any signal on his phone twenty minutes ago, he had no other choice, other than to talk to the stupid idiots next to him.
“Hey, you got any connection?”
Goddamn it.
“Uh, no it’s just something I downloaded. No connection either.”
“Huh. Hey, I’m Danny, by the way. Danny Clay. Private investigator, specialize in stopping corporate espionage. Guess this Rios guy… guy doesn’t trust his own employees. Hope that doesn’t apply to us, heh.” He smiled weakly at his own joke.
“Hmm. I’m Goddard. UN corporate executive. Rios doesn’t even want me for a job, he just decided having a UN bloke around would be good press or something.”
“Hey, you met Mr Rios? Haven’t heard too much about him.”
“Neither have I, actually. Odd.”
Mohammed Ayad sat quietly, his arms pressed against the wall in a vain attempt to stop the rocking of the boat to send him flying into the person next to him. It didn’t work. “Sorry,” he muttered, and the man responded with the same.
“Hey, you know anything about this Mr Rios? Just wondering, cause I’ve heard basically nothing about him.”
“Nah, can’t say I do, mate. Only here ‘cause he said he could use a speaker like me at the place for a few hours, and it’s a free holiday, so why complain? Jay Devers, by the way.”
“Mohammed Ayad,” was all he managed to say before William Blaine shouted through the speakers.
“Uh, we’re coming up to Soldier Island now, if you could please get your possessions and be ready to disembark.”
Ayad and Devers exchanged glances, before grabbing their suitcases and converging with the others onto soldier island.
The island was small; no landmarks were on it except for the rather large house in its centre. A few trees grew on the neatly cut grass that surrounded it, a small beach at its front.
As the roar of the boat’s engine started up again, they all headed off for their rooms, previously located by Blaine.
Reiben flopped onto his bed. He was knackered; he had spent the last three hours travelling, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Still, he’d probably have to meet Mr. Rios. He dropped his suitcase (“Suitcase wanker!” Brambly had shouted as he left, not maliciously. Reiben returned a non-malicious middle finger) onto the floor, before a pennant hanging from the wardrobe grabbed his attention.
It read, in a middle-ages esque text:
Ten little soldiers, all having crossed the line, One was distracted, and then there were nine. Nine little soldiers, reading books at late, One got too tired, and then there were eight. Eight little soldiers, two up in heaven, One tried to fly and join them, and then there were seven. Seven little soldiers, blowing out the wicks, One got lost in the dark, and then there six. Six little soldiers, running to the hive, A busy bee stung one, and then there were five. Five little soldiers, wondering who's Blore, One wasn't Wargrave, and then there were four. Four little soldiers, swimming in the sea, One swam out too far, and then there were three. Three little soldiers, eating up their stew One ate too much, and then there were two. Two little soldiers, the rest were all gone, One AIMS to hang himself, and then there was one. One little soldier, thinking "I should do that again!" So we're back to the beginning, And then there were ten.
Reiben felt a pang of fear. Just like the book… Jesus. Jesus, why the hell had he come here? He was going to die. He was going to die on this god-forsaken island and he’d done exactly what he told himself he would be clever enough to avoid when he read the damned book, had probably inspired the bastard to do this-
No, he was being ridiculous. Worst case scenario, it was a prank, a twisted joke. And he wasn’t a murderer.
Except for Sam. He couldn’t have known that he’d die. Hell, he had taken all responsibility if it all went wrong… Commander Moore had cleared him of all blame…
But Armstrong didn’t have a motive, he did it accidently as well… and he probably saved more lives than he killed… and he even stopped drinking. Didn’t matter to Wargrave, killed him anyway. And Armstrong’s first name was Edward…
God, why did he have to fucking invent that piece of shit gun that was supposed to, “Save lives”?
All he managed to mutter was, “Jesus, Sam, I’m so sorry.”
There was a knock on the door. It was the posh bloke whose name he had picked up to be Goddard.
“Hey, Reiben, wasn’t it? Looks like Blaine has set out dinner. Should get down there before it gets cold.”
Reiben shrugged, and followed Goddard to the dining room.
Meals had been set out on the table, each looking identical.
“God, I’m starving,” said Clay. “Let’s eat.”
“Heh. Let’s hope it’s not poisoned,” Reiben joked. Nobody laughed.
One returned They sat down, and Devers had just taken his first bite when a voice suddenly rang out from the next room. It was deep, distorted, inhuman.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, silence, please.”
They all stared at each other. Had to be a joke, nobody would actually-
“You are charged with the following:
“Commander Adrian Kenneth Goddard of the Global Occult Coalition, you are charged with causing the death of Frederick McPherson.
“Agent Emma Jane Rawley of the SCP Foundation, you are charged with the deaths of Daniel Denney, William Carlyle, and Geoffrey Betterton.
“Lawrence Daniel Sellars, of Are We Cool Yet?, you are charged with causing the deaths of thirteen people during an anomalous art exhibit.
“Corporal Edward Richard Reiben of the Chaos Insurgency, you are charged with the manslaughter of Samuel Birch.
“Mohammed Omid Ayad, of the Office for the Reclamation of Islamic Artifacts, you are charged with causing the death of Nicholas Vincent Graves.
“Jane Helen Anderton, of Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd, you are charged with causing the death of Charles Jonathan Kimball.
“Daniel Frederick Clay of the Horizon Initiative, you are charged with the murder of an unknown Fifth Church Combatant.
“Harry Michael Thornton of the Unusual Incidents Unit, you are charged with the death of Kevin Victor Connors.
“Lev Yuri Shevchenko of the GRU-P, you are charged with the deaths of Victor Cherenkov, Yuri Malarkov, and Alexis Artyom.
“Jacob William Devers of the SCP Foundation, you are charged with the murder of 124 people aboard the Regal Vindication.
“What do you say in your defense?”
and buried the secret They all stared at each other, taking in the surreal situation, before Reiben stumbled away from the table, and straight out of the dining room. A vomiting sound emitted shortly after.
The remaining nine stared at each other, before Sellars finally said, “I suppose we’re all in on the masquerade. No point trying to hide it.”
“He’s right. We might as well be honest about it,” said Clay.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” spluttered Devers. “What masquerade? What was the voice even saying? Total nonsense.” He sipped his drink, perhaps in an attempt to look natural. His wooden acting gave him away.
“Bullshit. Look, the rest of us aren’t denying it,” said Sellars.
“So you admit to killing those people?”
Sellars grimaced, before admitting, “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. They were just being idiots, and more people would have died if I hadn’t have stopped them.”
“Fine, I’ll admit to killing that Fifthist bastard. Guy killed two of my men, I wasn’t gonna let him walk away just because he threw his hands in the air.”
“I have no idea whom Fred McPherson is. You’d think I murdered someone I’d remember it!” shouted Goddard.
“But you are GOC?” asked Ayad.
Goddard paused for a moment, before saying, “Yes.”
There was a noise from outside the room, and everybody turned to its source.
Reiben walked back into the room, looking pale.
“S-sorry. Got a bit… bit light-headed. Like, this is just like And Then There Were None, right? Nobody should drink anything, that’s how the first person died.”
“Shit,” said Devers, looking at the glasses. His was the only one that had been drunk at all.
He coughed loudly, then again, before entering a coughing fit. Ayad and Shevchenko, who were sitting next to him, grabbed him before he could fall onto the floor. He suddenly stopped coughing, and went limp. Ayad’s hands darted for Devers’ wrist.
“He’s still got a pulse… We should get him to his room, have somebody take a look at him. Anyone here a doctor?”
“I’m no expert, but I’m better than everyone else,” said Goddard.
Shevchenko and Ayad carried Devers between them, Goddard following.
The six people remaining in the dining room looked at each other.
“Right, I’m going to get on the radio. See if we can contact Blaine,” said Clay.
“You really think the killer hasn’t already taken care of that?” questioned Rieben.
“Worth a shot.” He left.
Rawley began to speak.
“Didn’t the killer leave a poem in the book? Seems strange that they’d miss out such a vital part of the-“
“Actually, there’s a copy of the poem in my room. I’ll get it, could give us some clues. Whoever it is, he- or she- is basing it off the book, right?”
Rieben left before Rawley could object to a Chaos Insurgent running around on his own. She figured that he probably was of little danger as an individual.
She looked back around the table. Thornton, Anderton, and Sellars.
“I’m going to find out where the hell that voice came from,” said Thornton.
“Shouldn’t we all stick together?” said Rawley. “Someone poisoned Devers-“
“Like anyone would base their murders off a book. Probably just a joke.”
“Joke? How would they know about the UIU, or the Coalition, or the Foundation? Why would they fly you half way around the world for a joke?”
Thornton left without another word.
Rawley, realizing that Devers’ party was now larger than her own, decided that going there was her best bet. She left Anderton and Sellars in the dining room.
“Is he alright?” she asked Goddard as soon as she stepped into the room, surprised to see only Shevchenko there.
“He’s still alive, if that’s what you mean.”
“Where did the others go?”
“Goddard went out to get his first aid kit from his room, not like that’ll help much. Ayad… actually, I have no idea where Ayad went.”
He paused, trying to remember, before saying, “You’re Rawley, yeah?”
“Yeah. Shevchenko, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, Lev Shevchenko.”
There was a period of awkward silence, before he asked, “So… who do you think poisoned him?”
The fact that her tactic of safety in numbers had resulted in her being alone with somebody maybe a foot taller materialized in her brain the moment he said it.
“Clay,” she said, the first name that came to mind. “I really should be getting back to the others.”
“I’ll come with you.”
When they arrived in the living room, Goddard and Reiben were there.
“Look, all I’m saying is that it says in the poem “One got distracted”, right?” said Reiben
“That doesn’t mean anything, it could be a lie, or maybe even the distraction itself!” argued Goddard.
Sellars sat quietly, turning towards Shevchenko and Rawley.
“Anderton said she was going to the toilet, if you’re wondering where she is.”
Thornton entered the room, a small speaker in his hands.
“Found this little bastard,” he said, holding it up. “Must have been from this.”
Ayad arrived shortly afterwards, saying, “Tried signaling Blaine, but he’d already gone out a few miles and I couldn’t see him.”
William Blaine’s death was mostly painless. When he first noticed he was out a fuel, he had accepted his fate. Narracota had survived, but he wasn’t Narracota, he was Morris. He knew that the sandwiches given to him by Mr. Rios were poisoned with a particularly slow poison; too late.
In a final attempt at spite, he released the ladder. He knew it would probably mean nothing, but his final image in his mind was of the poor sod who had been pushed into the water climbing onto the boat and finding his body.
“Where’s Clay?”
“He said he was going to the radio room, try and hail Blaine,” answered Rawley to Ayad’s question.
They didn’t have to look for long. Daniel Clay the Third was found sitting on the radio room chair, his throat sliced open from ear to ear. His face was stoic, his eyes closed. Blood had splattered all over his clothes.
Rieben vomited for the second time that day. Ayad fell silent. Goddard checked his pulse. Anderton looked at Shevchenko, who looked back. Rawley went to check on Devers. Thornton fiddled with the speaker in his hands, in a futile attempt to distract him from death.
It was Sellars who said, “Clay’s dead… murdered, and somebody’s responsible.”
“Hmm? Yes, of course.” Goddard and Reiben took Clay’s body to his room, both trying their hardest to avoid his- its?- vacant stare.
“How the hell did a kid like you end up working for the CI?”
“Pretty simple, actually. Sam- yes, he was the guy I killed- said we should sign up. I’d always been interested in the anomalous since I was a kid, and I guess I saw it as an opportunity to really change the world in some way. You know what we were working on when Sam died?”
“What?”
“This gun we were making for the Mi- these guys, which was basically a really powerful tranq rifle. Like, it was brilliant. Had to break a few laws of physics, but it was worth it. Full auto. Just took one of the darts to hit the guy and he’d be out. Not strong enough to penetrate bones; biggest chance of injury was it smacking straight into your eye and blinding you.”
“I’m guess something went wrong.”
“Sam kept saying that he wanted me to shoot him, just to make sure it worked perfectly before we showed it to the buyers. Had a fatal allergic reaction to the sedative. Died before I could get a doctor to him. Cleared me of all blame, since Sam made a note saying he’d accept all responsibility. I just…just wish that I hadn’t done it.”
“Jesus. You were friends?”
“Probably more than that, actually.”
“Sorry.”
“Nah, not your fault. So, what happened to you? How’d you kill Fred McPherson?” asked Reiben, laying Clay onto his bed. He had almost forgotten he was carrying him.
“Can’t recall it exactly, but I think I’ve got a good idea of what he’s on about. Back a few years ago, I was in South Africa chasing after this anomaly in this old street. Fired at it, must’ve accidently hit this guy. He was bleeding on the road, begging for help. Had a choice between either saving one life, or letting the anomaly kill more. Easy choice, don’t regret it.”
“Do you regret it now that we’ve got this guy killing us off one by one?”
“Fair point.”
“JESUS!”
Rawley’s scream was heard by everyone on the island.
Ayad and Shevchenko sprinted in, only to find Devers sitting up on his bed and Rawley looking at him like he was a ghost.
“Christ, Devers, you scared the hell out of me.”
“So, uh, who poisoned me?”
“We don’t know, but…”
“Clay’s dead,” said Ayad suddenly.
“What? How?”
“Some bastard slit his throat.”
“Who?”
“We don’t know. Whoever it was is probably one of us, and probably isn’t going to stop at us.”
The nine survivors gathered in the dining room.
“Okay,” said Rawley, holding up Rieben’s pennant of the poem and his copy of the book.
“The killer is obviously basing their murders on both this book and this poem. Now, one of us is dead, and they are going to continue to do so until we are all dead, minus themselves. That much is obvious.
“I don’t know how many of you have read it, but I’m going into some serious spoiler territory, mainly because our lives are at stake. The first person to die had his drink poisoned; the killer anticipated this, used that as a distraction so he could get to Clay.
“Now, seeing as the killer in the book faked his death, we will be thoroughly checking to make sure the dead are actually dead. We’ve all committed crimes, we all work for enemies, but if any of us want to walk off this island alive, we have to work together. Agreed?”
There were a few murmurs of agreement.
“I think we’re each meant to represent a character in the original,” said Reiben. “Considering that my murder was both accidental, and that my name is Edward, I reckon I’m Armstrong.”
“But you’re not about to ally with the killer with the benefit of hindsight, are you?” said Shevchenko.
“Good point, but I suppose he’s trying to subvert it on every count.”
“It’s late,” said Anderton. “We should sleep.” “…I’m sorry, but have you been listening to a fucking word we’ve been saying?” said Goddard. “Did the part about the psycho killer running about become lost on you?”
“If we are gonna sleep, we should all get in one room. Keep three people awake at all times.”
“How will that help? The killer could just, I don’t know, drop a grenade and run,” said Sellars.
“They have to follow the poem, remember?” cut in Ayad.
“Yes, but what’s stopping a particularly paranoid person whose goal is to simply off us all to ensure their survival doing it?”
“The obvious lack of grenades?” said Goddard, but that did not stop them going to their separate rooms that night.
—- Rawley looked around her room. Why had the killer hanged the pennant in Rieben’s room? Why poison Devers in particular?
Probably just random. She locked her door, and pushed the bedside table next to it, locked all the windows, and did a final sweep of the room to make sure it was totally devoid of anyone but herself.
She considered just staying up all night, pointing her revolver at the door until morning.
But then again, “One got too tired, and then there were eight,” was next, and she didn’t fancy tempting fate, so she slept.
When Shevchenko found a copy of And Then There Were None resting on his bed, he decided that skimming through it could give him some clues.
It was 2 AM when Shevchenko read the epilogue. It was a single sentence that suddenly revealed to him who the killer was. God, it was obvious. Their motive wasn’t revenge, it was some twisted form of justice, mixed with a heavy dose of a-
Lev Shevchenko turned the last page, and the memetic image stuck to it was the last thing he ever saw.

Hey everyone! Super longgg rant….
Just a back story before I get into it. My husband is a wonderful person he treats me like a princess but he just has a way of doing this on his own terms. Me on the other hand when I want something I want it now. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and we got married last September. In 2020, 3 years into us dating I already knew I wanted to marry him and be with him forever and I asked him if he saw marriage anytime soon & he said he never wants to get married.. he also said he doesn’t want to buy a house because he doesn’t want to feel stuck with it. he was dead set on it. I somehow convinced myself that he would change his mind & we’re still young. We really were very close to breaking up then & somehow ended up working out and still continuing to be with each other.
From fall 2020- fall 2022 I felt unwanted I really love him and wanted to be with and I knew his mind would eventually change. We would speak about it here and there and I’d tell him that I honestly can’t see myself continuing to date if he don’t see marriage in our future. So eventually I gave him an ultimatum.. and I gave him a year to make up his mind. That was the last thing I wanted to do it feels like the worst feeling in the world if you’ve ever had to give your partner an ultimatum. It sucks. While all this is happening we always talk about kids and how our kids would be and we actually somehow agree to start trying in July 2022. I honestly really wanted marriage before kids but he somehow convinced to try before that. Or maybe in my mind I thought if we have kids then we can get married… anyway no positive results for a whole & 5 months later that year (December) he proposed to me. I’m super excited but also still wanting to continue trying because now I really want a baby that’s all that we’ve been talking about.
I start wedding planning January 2023. I’m over the moon, excited, happy, all the feelings. But, my husband is a bit depressed his jobs getting harder.. so regardless of what he’s going through I start wedding planning. I start seeing venus without him and take his mom with me. He tells me he would rather elope & not have anything big. But the more I think about it the more I want it to be my big day. Again, I’m an all in or nothing. So throughout the process I felt alone my husband hasn’t even offered to come see venues and anytime I talk about how much stuff is going to cost he doesn’t want to hear about it. Or maybe he felt like I wasn’t listing to him?
Because we want a family very soon we decide to get married in September. So we continue to keep trying for a baby and nothings happening so in March I decide to pause baby making. I stop testing for my ovulation and we will try again in September. I truly thought I was going to get pregnant during that time. There was a time when my period was late 4 days and I thought this was it. I was already planning to announce it at the wedding & then my period came. During the entire wedding process I felt like I was a lone and making decisions on my own. In my head I thought this is what I want not what he wants so I kept moving forward. The wedding was absolutely beautiful I was ovulating that day so I really thought it was going to happen & nothing did.
After we get back from our honeymoon my husband tells me he wants to stop trying till the end of next summer to enjoy us and go out and have fun. But I don’t want to we’ve talked about this for so long. So I ignore him and continue trying.
After a couple of months of no success I go to a fertility doctor. I get my hormones checked and everything is good on my end & now he wants my husband to get a semen analysis. I make his appt for December and we go. 2 weeks later his results are in and he has 0.50 count and no mobility…. A little back story he is a bodybuilding and takes test. He stopped taking it at the beginning of September & hasn’t taken it since.
Anyway, the doctor tells him there’s a 0% chance of us conceiving right now & he gives him some vitamins to take. He told the doctor about him taking test & the doctor said okay good then that means “your sperm count is growing.” We are currently with a catholic fertility place so they want to do everything the normal way. They have a lot of success and im okay with it right now. Anyway, they enroll me in classes where they teach me about discharge and all that stuff.
So during this time we’re also thinking of now buying a house & we start looking. We currently live in a 1 bedroom apt and our lease ends at the end of March. I really want to get out of the apartment but I also know there’s no way we will find something. I’m an all in or nothing type of person and I find us a realtor and every weekend we go see about 10 houses. My husbands open to looking but won’t settle if the price is too high. So we both find 2 houses we really like but one of them is priced way to high and needs a lot of work and the other one is priced high, no work is needed, but it’s only a 2 bedroom. I really want to put an offer in the 2 bedroom but my husband doesn’t want to so we decide not to put any offers in and we’re both tired of looking and being disappointed and we agree to lease again for a year. I’m really upset because I wanted to have a house before the baby comes. But I bottle those feelings inside. I know he really wanted to get us into a house but the market isn’t going for us.
Now we’re almost in May and no baby. I mean I knew that since the doctor said 0% but I was hoping that wasn’t the case… Last night I got really upset because I’m in my most fertile days and my husband wasn’t in the mood to try even though I told him about my fertile days. I’m just not sure where to go from here I feel like I’m constantly have to beg for wanting things. Begging to get married, to get a house, baby, etc.. But on his end I’m being to aggressive and need to slow down. I feel sad and defeated. He’s been super supportive and every month he asks if I’m pregnant yet. We talk about how our family would be like.
But on the other end I feel like my husband stopped trying… I mean the doctor said we have a 0% chance but even he thought that was pushing it.
I’m at the point where I want to stop trying and when we’re both on the same page to start again. But I’m just afraid that he keeps talking about going back on test because he’s not the same and wants to go back. I thought maybe he wouldn’t want to take it ever again after seeing his sperm results.
I thought we’d be happier after marriage but wow this whole baby thing is really taking over. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ll be 28 in June and hubby will be 33 in August. We’re both still young and maybe taking some time off is the best decision?
Any advise pleaseeee.. If you read through the rant TY!

See how this new tool makes tracking and managing claims easier for sellers. Learn more about its straightforward features and how it compares to traditional methods. All the details you need about this latest update are shared on amazon's own platform or you can check on my profile as well, I have summarized in a brief article.

See how this new tool makes tracking and managing claims easier for sellers. Learn more about its straightforward features and how it compares to traditional methods. All the details you need about this latest update are shared on amazon's own platform or you can check on my profile as well, I have summarized in a brief article.

Hi I'm new here. I have had an eating disorder for over 14 years now, in and out of treatment, first in the US (where I'm from) and now in Germany (where I lived until last summer). My experience in clinics/residential treatment in the US was always mixed, but mostly due to the involvement of abusive family members when I was a teenager and just some necessary but traumatic crossing of boundaries relating to privacy. But my last experience in clinic in Germany was just terrible on a completely different level and I am having a hard time getting over it and moving on with recovery. The back story is, during my Master's thesis and transition to being a PhD student I had a sort of a burn out which was due to in part working on past trauma stuff in therapy (at the same time as doing my Master's thesis, working 30+ hours a week in a research project + other work). I ended up relapsing into my eating disorder and having to go to clinic, both for the eating disorder and C-PTSD (and accompanying nightmares and self-harm). When I first talked to the clinic, I was very concerned about being forced to eat, for example food I really hated (like I was in the US) or being trapped (in the US I was forceably kept against my will, again necessary at the time but still traumatic). I was assured that they didn't work with force and that I would enter into the eating disorders track (the clinic treats many different disorders and mental health issues on the same floor) voluntarily and could leave at any time. It all sounded good and I was just really at my ends and needing help and they didn't have a long waiting list so I agreed. Cut to my actual admission and the nurse tells me directly on my first day (despite me being underweight and being diagnosed with anorexia) that they first need to "see if the eating disorder track is right for me". After a week or so (during this time no one cared what I ate, how much I exercised or offered me any support in either of these matters), the head doctor decided I do need to be on the eating disorder track where I then make a "weight gain" contract, which is essentially the same for everyone, gain x amount a week for 12 weeks (again standard time for everyone) and you can walk a bit longer and at some point have leave. The program consists of eating together (sometimes with support from nurses sometimes just all the ED patients alone in a room together) and one eating disorder specific group per week and a cooking group (where by the way people with binge eating disorder are not allowed, there was a very clear "hierarchy" of eating disorders and which are seen as more serious/getting more time/attention). Behaviour use was rampant, as was the special treatment of certain "repeat customers". Also almost no consequences for this behaviour (when I told that another patient had convinced a cleaning person to let her into the room with the scale but also the private patient documents, I had to apologize to her for "ratting her out"). This same patient regularily came to breakfast (where no nurses were present) without breakfast because she "had special permission because breakfast is so hard for her" and she would just sit there and watch us eat. We had a cooking group once a week where the ed patients would plan a meal, but no one ever checked if it was enough calories so some patients forced the others to make low calorie shit or would sabotage the food with too much salt. There was no nutritionist at all, no meal plan, some patients had to buy food to make up for the lack of calories in the hospital food, the kitchen was open all the time (meaning certain behaviours were engaged in), one nurse just told me I should eat x number of calories, no one cared or checked how much you were or weren't eating. One nurse said to me "well if you're gaining weight then you must be doing well, that weight is an objective measurement of how well someone is doing". My pulse was too low the entire time I was there but this was ignored and never addressed. The main idea of the program was just, you need to be responsible yourself because no one is helping you outside the clinic (but then why go to the clinic at all?!?! I obviously landed here because I couldn't make changes without the support of 24/7 care). The worst though came when I was getting super upset about having to witness and be triggered by all this behaviour, I was just removed from the ed track because "my weight wasn't that serious and I was really there for other reasons". It was all so invalidating and fed into my ed voice. I keep hearing this therapist saying my weight isn't that bad and just feeling so awful about everything and just wishing I had left earlier. I made no progress there, even though I went in really ready to change and I feel like my ed just got really entrenched there. I wish I had just stood up for myself more but even more, I am mad that I even had this relapse after being in a really good place in recovery for many years. I made some progress since discharge and have moved away, also from the terrible work environment that caused my burn out. I am now doing my PhD in Finland and after a long time of not wanting to even contact the services here, I have. But I worry they won't take me seriously either, since I have gained some weight and managed to increase my intake a bit. But I am still below what I know to be my set point and still really stuck in quasi recovery hell, with calorie counting and controlling my intake/surpressing my weight. Now my eating disorder voice is telling me I have to lose weight again until I can enter services here (waiting times are long), but I just want out of this hell and I go back and forth the whole day, basically accomplishing nothing and wasting my life. I just don't know how to get over this experience.

Good Monday to one & all! April is basically in the can. How are your teams doing? I have 16 leagues going across multiple formats. For the most part I'm in the mix or near the top which is all I can ask for. There are a 2 of my teams in the crapper though. Can't front on that. It's gonna be May in a flash which mean players that have been garbo will start to pick it up, but there will still be more of them who will continue to struggle. Each month presents a different story throughout the baseball season. It's fascinating! Minnesota's offense picking things up last week is a good example of how things change eventually. Right now is arguably the best time of the season to buy low because certain fantasy managers are panicking about guys like Bo Bichette.
Bring forth your questions & if you like what you get here every Monday, please consider checking out our show & the 5 other people who make up our little Pallazzo world. Pallazzo Podcast on all socials. We are not your typical fantasy baseball show though. Know that going in. One thing we do pride ourselves on is winning advice all season long. Thanks everybody!
-Michael Govier

Now that we have Cordelius and Lily, two Brawlers in the Enchanted Woods trio that have the ability to access the Shadow Realm, I came up with an idea for a third Brawler to complete the trio - Trevor, perhaps the most complex and unique of them all. The third Brawler in the Enchanted Woods trio will be able to manipulate and use the Shadow Realm like no other Brawler before! Feel free to leave thoughts and suggestions regarding this idea! Hope Supercell devs see this idea!

This is the best Brawler idea I have ever created in my opinion, and I hope people will read this concept thoroughly!

Brawler Name: Trevor

Rarity: Legendary
Class: Damage DealeController
Stats (at level 11):
Hitpoints: 6000 HP (at base HP)
Movement Speed: Normal
Trevor is the mystical forest spirit that has assumed the form of a tree and it is believed that he is the original and only yielder of the power of the Shadow Realm until the power was shared to Cordelius and Lily later on. He is a sentient tree with one big, hauntingly glowing green eye, and is covered in roots, moss, mushrooms, and leaves, and keeps growing roots around him that make him bigger and stronger. It is believed that the big magic mushroom on top of his head is where the power to travel to the Shadow Realm originates from.
Passive Ability: Protective Roots
Trevor periodically grows thicker and stronger roots that protect him. They increase his maximum hitpoints every 5 seconds up to 10000 HP. When killed, his HP will reset to his base HP. This is similar to how Ruffs Star Power works, just on a much larger scale. Essentially the longer he’s kept alive, the tankier he gets. This passive ability is useful for engaging in moderate to close range combat with the necessary high hitpoints, which is necessary for Trevor, as evident below from his main attack description, his attack range is fairly short.
Main attack: Growing Roots
Trevor shoots a pair of destructive roots that grow out of himself in 2 separate straight lines at medium range. Kind of like Ruffs shooting 2 projectiles side by side, this will be the same, but the gap between the two roots will be a bit wider.
Reload Speed: Slow (similar to Surge) Damage: 2 x 1600 (similar to Charlie) Range: Normal (similar to Stage 1/2 Surge or Nita)
This main attack is designed be deal more consistent damage over time than dealing massive damage at once. Its range is fairly short and damage fairly moderate, which is a compensation for all his other unique abilities and skills I will talk about below. With a slow reload speed, Trevor won't be good at bursting down opponents. Because of the fairly short range, Trevor will need to engage in combat from fairly short distances, which makes him quite vulnerable in the battlefield, considering his base HP is 6000. This is where his passive ability comes to play. However, he does deal the same amount of damage from both roots, and can hit two different opponents (or even the same opponent twice) simultaneously if positioned correctly and conditions are suitable. The roots don't pierce or hit multiple targets along their travel distance. They hit the first opponent that's the shortest distance away in a straight line from Trevor within their travel distance and after that the attack stops. Trevor's attack is the weakest and most compromised part of his kit.
Super: The Shadow Realm
Trevor shoots the magic mushroom from the top of his head, that, when aimed on an opponent, upon impact, banishes the opponent into the Shadow Realm alone for 4 seconds. When not aimed, Trevor's super can be used to transport only Trevor himself to the Shadow Realm for 4 seconds. Pretty self-explanatory here. Essentially when aimed, Trevor's Super temporarily removes an opponent from the regular world, making the match a 3v2 for 4 seconds. When used on himself, it works just like Lily’s Vanish gadget, but for 4 seconds instead of 3. The banished opponent or Trevor himself can move around and attack in the shadow realm and it basically works just like an opponent banished by Cordelius’s super, but the difference is, with Trevor’s super either the opponent or Trevor himself is alone in the shadow realm. The opposing team will be able to see where their banished teammate is via the purple indicator (same as the indicator when Cordelius uses his Super). Trevor and his team won’t be able to see this, just like with Cordelius’s Super. If Trevor travels to the Shadow Realm by himself, his teammates will be able to see his location in the Shadow Realm in the same way.
This Super has the exact same stats as Cordelius's Super. Same range, same width, same travel speed.
Note:
⁃ It is possible to banish an opposing Trevor to the Shadow Realm, however, whenever a Trevor enters the Shadow Realm, they will have increased movement and reload speed, just like a Cordelius in the Shadow Realm.
- Just like with Cordelius's Super, a banished Brawler is unable to use their Super and gadget, but they are able to attack. This applies to a Trevor in the Shadow Realm as well.
- The super charge rate is like 7-8 hits, so it's fairly difficult to charge it consistently.
Trevor's Super essentially combines Cordelius's Super and Lily's Vanish gadget and gives him more utility with it because you can use it in two ways. You can use it to gain a momentary upper hand with a 3v2 during a match, or you can use the Super on yourself to position yourself and surprise and ambush the enemies. Keep in mind that Trevor's main attack is not designed to be an assassination attack, which is why Trevor lacks the ambushing potential Cordelius has. It's still a very useful tool to use the Super on yourself as a Trevor for key positioning and controlling key points.
Trevor gadgets and Star Powers are what really sets him apart as a complex and unique Brawler, which we will discuss next.
1st Gadget: The Guardians of the Shadow Realm
When activated, Trevor calls for the guardians of the Shadow Realm and summons one Cordelius minion and one Lily minion that guard the Shadow Realm UNTIL
1. they’re both destroyed
2. Trevor uses his gadget again, in which case a new pair of Cordelius and Lily minions are summoned and guard the Shadow Realm
3. Trevor enters the Shadow Realm himself
What this gadget essentially does, is, whenever activated, it summons a Cordelius and Lily bot in the Shadow Realm, that move around like bots and target opponents whenever there are opponents in the Shadow Realm. When there is nothing to target in the Shadow Realm, these guardian bots will move around aimlessly like regular bots. Trevor can activate this gadget anytime while he’s alive in the regular dimension, and two small purple indicators will appear around Trevor (same as the purple indicator indicating the position of a banished Brawler) to indicate that Trevor has used this gadget and the guardians have been summoned in the Shadow Realm.
Things to note with this gadget:
⁃ the summoned Cordelius and Lily minions have reduced damage and reduced HP, and won’t be able to use their supers or gadgets (as is typical in the Shadow Realm). They can’t charge them either, so essentially think of them as two Lawrie bots in the Shadow Realm. The Cordelius and Lily minions both have 30% of your Trevor’s HP, and deal 45% of your Trevor’s damage.
- The HP of the guardians also scale according to Trevor's passive ability. For instance, at level 11, a base HP Trevor (6000 HP) will summon a Cordelius and Lily that both have 1800 HP and both deal 720 damage (Cordelius will deal 2 x 720 damage with his attack). A max HP Trevor (10000 HP with his passive ability) will summon a Cordelius and Lily that both have 3000 HP and both deal 720 damage (Cordelius will deal 2 x 720 damage with his attack). Essentially the more HP your Trevor has, the tankier guardians can be summoned.
- The guardians DO NOT passively lose HP over time.
- After taking damage, the Cordelius and Lily minions will NEVER AUTO-HEAL, just like a Lawrie bot.
- Summoned guardians with one gadget use can exist in the Shadow Realm INDEFINITELY, if none of the 3 criteria listed above are fulfilled.
-You can only have one pair of guardians in the Shadow Realm at a time.
⁃ When this gadget is activated, the Cordelius and Lily bot summon in the Shadow Realm at the exact same spot where Trevor is in the regular dimension at the moment.
- When Trevor uses this gadget again, the already possibly existing guardians instantly disappear and a new set of full HP guardians summon in the Shadow Realm.
⁃ If two Trevors from opposite teams both use this gadget around the same time, the end result will be a 2v2 bot fight in the Shadow Realm, unless someone else interferes by travelling/being banished to the Shadow Realm.
- Trevor cannot summon the guardians while he is in the Shadow Realm himself, because, as is with all Brawlers, gadgets are unusable in the Shadow Realm.
- Just like a Lawrie bot, hitting the guardians will not charge your Super.
- The Cordelius and Lily guardians summoned from this gadget will never be able to cross dimensions. They will always be eternally stuck in the Shadow Realm.
- Trevor can NEVER be in the same dimension as the summoned guardians at the same time. If Trevor uses his Super on himself and travels to the Shadow Realm WHILE the guardians still exist in the Shadow Realm, the guardians will instantly disappear. This is to avoid potential unfair situations where there's 3 friendly units in the Shadow Realm at the same time, and also because of lore reasons - the guardians protect the Shadow Realm when Trevor isn't there, and disappear when Trevor enters the realm, as their master is summoned back to the Shadow Realm, the guardians' job is done.
- The guardians CAN pick up mushrooms from Cordelius's Mushroom Kingdom Star Power, if the criteria for that to happen coincidentally and randomly align. They'll be damaged if the mushrooms are from an enemy Cordelius Super, and healed if they are from a friendly Cordelius Super.
Use cases:
⁃ the best way to use this gadget is to activate it when you banish someone else in the Shadow Realm with Trevor. Not only are they out of the match for 4 seconds, they will also have to deal with 2 bots while banished during this time. ⁃ You can also use it to assist a friendly Cordelius when they go into the Shadow Realm, or help a friendly Brawler an opposing Cordelius or Trevor has banished into the Shadow Realm. There are many other strategies and use cases that can be possible with this gadget, comment below if you can think of any?
2nd Gadget: Root Grip
The next roots from Trevor’s attack will grab and tighten around the enemy, dealing little damage over time for 2 seconds, and rendering them unable to move for 2 seconds. They can, however, use their attacks and supers while tightened. This is essentially like a 2-second stun, but the opponent can attack and use Super while stunned. Useful for example to immobilize the enemy at key moments in the game.
Note:
- this gadget will have no effect against opposing Trevors. Mainly for lore consistency reasons :)
- the grip effect from this gadget will immediately wear off if the gripped enemy is sent to the Shadow Realm.
1st Star Power: The Curse of the Shadow Realm
When banished, the opponent will also be gripped for 2 seconds, dealing damage over time and making them unable to move during this duration. Essentially, with this Star Power, the opponent will be unable to move every time they get banished in the Shadow Realm for half of the duration of Trevor’s Super, because the grip time is 2 seconds, and banishment time is 4 seconds. The grip effect will take place immediately after being banished, which means that the opponent will have the remaining 2 seconds to roam freely in the Shadow Realm. As is with the Trevor's 2nd gadget, the opponent will be able to attack while gripped in the Shadow Realm, but WILL NOT be able to use their Super, because they are in the Shadow Realm.
Note:
- This Star Power will have no effect if Trevor uses his Super on himself.
- Just like the Root Grip gadget, this Star Power will have no effect if you banish an enemy Trevor.
Use cases:
This Star Power is designed to be more active, aggressive, and offense-oriented, useful for pressuring the banished enemy and confirming a kill. It's useful for keeping the banished opponent at a known general area so that the they can be killed more easily once they return to the real dimension from their banishment. It essentially gives the banished opponent 2 seconds of time to move around in the Shadow Realm, instead of 4, hindering their escape and repositioning within the Shadow Realm, since their travel reach within the super duration is greatly minimized with this Star Power. It allows Trevor and his teammates to have a better sense of where the banished opponent will be after they return from banishment. It also always deals confirmed damage on the banished opponent, which isn't possible without this Star Power.
2nd Star Power: Take My Place, Guardians
Whenever Trevor enters the Shadow Realm, a Cordelius and Lily bot will replace him and take his place in the regular world. Essentially what this Star Power does, is, whenever a Trevor enters the Shadow Realm, a Cordelius and Lily bot will spawn in the real world on the exact spot from where Trevor travelled to the Shadow Realm and they will target enemies in the real dimension. They will have the same stats and features as the Cordelius and Lily bots from Trevor’s 1st gadget, except that they’ll disappear instantly when Trevor returns to the real world, just like how this works the opposite way with his 1st gadget.
Things to note with this Star Power:
- This Star Power is essentially the same thing as Trevor's 1st gadget - but the guardians get summoned in the real dimension instead of the Shadow Realm and they only get summoned when Trevor enters the Shadow Realm, and not according to the player's will.
- Trevor and the guardians summoned from this Star Power will NEVER be in the real world simultaneously, just like how with Trevor's 1st gadget Trevor and the guardians won't be in the Shadow Realm simultaneously.
- If Trevor is in the Shadow Realm for longer than 4 seconds (for example if a Cordelius or Lily travels to the Shadow Realm while Trevor is there as well), the guardians will keep existing in the real world for longer too.
- As is with the gadget, the guardians cannot auto-heal and once defeated during one Trevor Super usage, they will not appear again while Trevor is in the Shadow Realm.
- It is not possible to have 2 sets of guardians on each realm simultaneously, because the guardians spawned from this Star Power only spawn when Trevor is in the Shadow Realm, which is when the guardians from the 1st gadget are UNABLE to spawn. Similarly only the gadget guardians can spawn when Trevor is in the real world. If you first use Trevor's first gadget and spawn the guardians in the Shadow Realm and then use Trevor's Super on himself, the guardians in the Shadow Realm will disappear, while simultaneously the guardians will appear in the real dimension because Trevor has just entered the Shadow Realm.
- As explained above, we can come to the conclusion that the guardians are unable to co-exist at the same time, which also check out for lore reasons. There is only one pair of Shadow Realm guardians, lore-wise.
- The guardians spawned from this Star Power will NEVER cross paths with the guardians spawned from Trevor's 1st gadget.
- The Star Power Guardians cannot cross dimensions, just like the Gadget Guardians. They are always stuck in their own respective realms.
- The guardians WILL NOT spawn if Trevor's Super is used on an enemy. They will only spawn when Trevor HIMSELF enters the Shadow Realm, which can happen in multiple ways:

• Trevor travels to the Shadow Realm by himself (Super used on himself)
• A Trevor is banished to the Shadow Realm (via another Trevor or Cordelius)

Use cases:
This is a more passive, distraction, and defensive-oriented Star Power, which allows Trevor to entebe banished the Shadow Realm without compromising the battle in the real world too much by having 2 backup bots assist your teammates in potential "undermanned" situations (undermanned here means that some of the Brawlers in the match are either dead or in the Shadow Realm temporarily). It can help secure fights, distract, reposition, and confuse enemies in both realms.
Trevor’s Hypercharge: The Wrath of the Shadow Realm
When hitting an opponent with Trevor’s Super, he instantly banishes EVERY SINGLE alive Brawler on the map to the Shadow Realm, including himself. Every opposing and friendly Brawler including Trevor himself is banished to the Shadow Realm for 4 seconds. Trevor has increased Hypercharge stats ON TOP of his increased Shadow Realm stats. As is with the Shadow Realm rules, it disables EVERYONE’s Supers and gadgets for 4 seconds, including Trevor's.
Things to note with this hypercharge:
- On paper this hypercharge sounds very strong because it can negate every Brawler's Super instantly. That's why it should have a very slow charge rate, perhaps 3.5-4 Trevor supers = 1 Trevor Hypercharge.
- In Showdown, using this Hypercharge and successfully hitting an opponent with his Super will banish all other players currently alive in Showdown to the Shadow Realm as well. This means that in a full Showdown match, up to 10 players can be in the Shadow Realm simultaneously!
- There is no way to extend Trevor's Hypercharge Super duration, because Supers and Gadgets are disabled for all Brawlers in the Shadow Realm, including Shadow Realm Brawlers.
- Gripping effect rules apply similarly to how they apply during regular Supers as well.
- The guardians from Trevor's first gadget (and any other guardians from other Trevor player's first gadgets) will instantly disappear, because according to Shadow Realm rules, Trevor has entered the Shadow Realm, which is when all guardians disappear from the Shadow Realm.
- When equipped with the Take My Place, Guardians Star Power, a pair of guardians will spawn and remain in the regular world as usual for the duration of the Hypercharge Super. According to Shadow Realm rules, this will happen with every Trevor in the map equipped with this Star Power, because they all have been banished to the Shadow Realm. Once all Trevors are back in the real dimension, all the guardians will disappear as they should.

And that's it!

This is probably the most complicated and mind-bending Brawler idea I have ever created, and I think it fits really well with the Enchanted Woods lore, Cordelius & Lily's mechanics, and the concept of the Shadow Realm in general. I also think it fits the Brawl Stars universe well too. Because the mechanics of this Brawler are so complicated, I would be pleased if you people in the comments can point out possible inconsistencies or faults with Trevor's abilities or suggestions on how to improve/modify his mechanics and playstyle, and abilities. I really hope the dev team also happens by this concept, because I'd really like a Brawler like this in-game! Please share this concept to others in the community as much as you can, let's make it reach popularity!

My baby is 8months old and he had a bump on the back side of his scalp that was the size of a fingertip (you couldnt even see it, had to very carefully feel it), it appeared about a week after birth. It has since then increased to be bigger than my thumb.
Our doctor finally noticed how big it grown (we were brushed of many times), and sent us to get a scan. We were sent by the radiologist to the surgeon. The surgeon then told us it is a lymphangioma, explained its a lymph node etc and said its best we wait until 10years old, so we then remove it without or very little anesthesia. She said it needs to be sucked out and then a type of glue will glue back the skin, but that can take up to 6sessions and its not worth putting a 8month old baby under general anesthesia 6times. She also said not to worry if it grows, she said it can grow and shrink but its no problem.
Being a concerned parent i looked it up myself. I could only find 3 cases of documented SCALP lymphangiomas. Most of them are on neck or head (head referring to mouth, jaw etc). What are the chance my baby actually has this in such a rare place, and if it is, why didn't she tell me or ask for a MRI?
Lipoma seems the least dangerous diagnosis in this case. Why did she the diagnose it as lymphangioma? And how do you rule out cystic hygroma or liposarcoma in this case?
I write this here because I am scared how this will sound coming from someone not medically trained. I need advice on how to proceed. Am I just bad at online researching and scalp lymphangiomas are more common? And if yes, is waiting until 10years old really best?
Characteristics of bump: 2-3cm, movable, hard rubbery texture. No pain, no discomfort. Scalp lightly deformed on the left side between bump and neck. Doctor said its likely due to a sleep preference, its unrelated and it will go away.
Patient details: 8 month old baby, male, born at 38 weeks. non-smoking non-drinking mother. Formula fed due to mother medication, 9kg aprox weight, eats well(solids, formula) met all milestones. No fever or other frequent worrying symptoms. Baby was monitored and never showed issues, normal delivery in hospital, baby got checked and discharged after 24h observation as fully healthy.
Mother: 31f, first pregnancy. Diagnosed with autoimmune encephalitis during pregnancy at 23 weeks, was prescribed amictal and other epilepsy medication during pregnancy due to seizures which I am still taking. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs except neurology prescription.
rant
I hope you now understand why I am so concerned about a possible misdiagnosis. I almost died due to doctors for months labeling my 10/10 headaches and continuous nausea, confusion as "being pregnant". Autoimmune encephalitis at 23 weeks pregnancy and now I read that my baby might have something that is just as rare, improbable?
Please correct me, and do it with kindness. It took a lot of courage to post here. I am very scared of confrontation, but I hate myself for it. I should have pushed and have myself checked when my symptoms were that bad and not let it escalate to having to be hospitalized for a month, losing my memory, putting my baby and my own life at risk. I do not want to make the same mistake, especially not when its not mine, but my baby's life...
Photos1 Photos2 Tell me if you need more photos or details...
Thank you.

Hi, I wanted to get som feedback on a homebrew spell. The spell is inspired by the Sphere of Annihilation and is a "chaos" spell and thus meant to have high variance. I especially unsure about how to set the level of the spell and the DCs in the table.
During the description of the spell I refer to another spell called Chaos Strike by another user which I've play tested for a while in my games and have found to be a balanced third level spell (I tweaked the number of dice to make it more powerful then in the original post), think of it as a single target attack roll spell that deals 35 points of damage on average.
Sphere of Chaos:
School: Evocation
Level: 6?
Concentration?: Yes
Duration: 1 minute
Range: 10 feet
Time to cast: 1 Action
Description:
You create a 2-foot-diameter sphere of Impossible scintillating colours which is made out of pure concentrated chaos energy. The sphere hovers in space and is stabilized by a magical field surrounding it.
At the end of your turn the sphere acts randomly according to the table below unless you use a bonus action to control it. When you do, choose one of the options on the table and make an ability check using your spell casting ability modifier against the described DC If you fail by 5 or more you take 4d10 force damage. If you succeed then the sphere acts according to the chosen entry and you may choose random elements such as targets or directions which are described as random.
Whenever the sphere enters another creature's space they must make dexterity save against your spell save DC. If they fail they take points 3d20 points of damage. Choose one of the d20 to determine the damage type.
When you lose concentration on the spell by any means outside of your control, for example by taking damage or by a spell effect like sleet storm, the spell continues for the full duration but you lose the ability to try and control the sphere.

1. The sphere disappears and the spell ends - DC: 0
2. The sphere does nothing - DC: 5
3. Move the sphere 10 feet in a random direction - DC: 7
4. Move the sphere 20 feet in a random direction - DC: 10
5. The sphere shoots out a chaos strike towards a random target within 60 feet - DC: 12
6. Enlarge the radius of the sphere by 5 feet - DC: 14
7. The sphere's power intensify making it deal an extra 1d20 of damage for the duration of the spell - DC: 14
8. The sphere shoots out two chaos strikes against random targets within 60 feet of it - DC: 16
9. The spheres sends an outburst of energy, each creature within 20 feet of the sphere must make Dexterity save against your spell save DC or take 3d20 damage of a random type - DC: 18
10. The sphere opens a rift to a different plane, each creature with 20 feet of the sphere must make a Charisma save against your spell save DC or. be effected by the banishment spell until the spell ends. - DC: 22

The following table is used to determine the damage type:

1. Acid
2. Cold
3. Fire
4. Force
5. Lightning
6. Necrotic
7. Poison
8. Psychic
9. Radiant
10. Thunder

How can I FIRE now? Was originally planning to retire at 59.5 (7.5 years from now) 52 y.o. laid off earlier this year. S.O. is 50 y.o. and still enjoys working. Kids 15 and 13.
ASSETS: Checking: ~$7k (only keep enough to pay bills as they come in) Savings/EF: $85k (Invested in Money-Market MF earning 5.275%) Taxable Brokerage: $71k Roth IRA: $15.8k Roth IRA: $18.5k Trad 401k: $254.5k (Employee+Catchup contributions maxed each year, 6% employer match) Trad 401k: $825k (no more contributions due to layoff) 529s: $182.7k House: $1.5MM (HCOL area) Cars: $44k (paid off) TOTAL ASSETS: $2.985MM (all investments in broad-based index funds)
LIABILITIES: Mortgage: $700k ($3133.25/month 10/1 ARM fixed @ 2.75% until 2030)
NET WORTH: $2.57MM (not including 529's and cars).
INCOME: Me: $0 (was making about $12k/month net all-in) SO: $221k (about $10.7k/month net all-in)
EXPENSES: Total: $15k/month
We're short ~$5k/month between SO income and current expenses. I think it's pretty obvious that I can't FIRE due to the $5k monthly gap and not having enough outside retirement accounts but am I missing anything? By my calculation, we will need to start drawing $3k bi-weekly starting in May from the EF to cover current expenses. Then would need to tap the Brokerage after that, which should last until 4/2026, all things being equal. Could squeeze another $2k out of monthly expenses but would be painful and family would hate/leave me (lifestyle creep is a bitch and property taxes are $30k/year here). Kids also gearing up for college in a few years and there will probably be some house-related maintenance items over the next 7.5 years.
Would love to hear from the collective brain-trust here on what other options are out there. What else could I do to plug the gap?
OPTION 1: Go back to working miserable and soul-sucking corporate job (if I could even find one at 52 yo) OPTION 2: Sell house and rent, pocketing ~$700k in equity after fees and living off that until 59.5 OPTION 3: ...
Thank you!