I’m not going to preface this with “my husband is so great, blah blah.” Sure my husband has some good qualities but right now those are not outweighing the negatives.
I’m not going to divorce my husband. I’m just venting.
Now…
I work full time an hour away from our house. On days when the schedule requires it, I can make that trip twice (to drive home and help get a kid from school or practice or wherever). I still wake up early enough to run dogs/make my breakfast and lunch. I come home and instantly take over the kids/household chores. Most days I am dead tired by the time I crawl in bed at 10/11pm.
My husband use to be the main provider and I use to be a stay at home mom. So I know how hard it is to be home all day with the kids and I try to be as helpful as I can be to allow for breaks/keeping up with my slack so not to add extra to the workload.
My husband works part time and is taking one college course. Ladiesss when I tell you he acts like he cannot do the most basic of things I MEAN IT. Today, after driving an additional hour to pick up the kids from my moms (two hours round trip) I come home to not a single thing done that I asked. Not a dish washed, laundry dumped on the bed, the juicer was actually dirty (I clean it every morning after use) and the floors not mopped or swept. He didn’t have to go to work until 2:30pm. He knew I had to get the kids tonight. Yet still, he didn’t think of how to help me in the least bit. I fucking went off on him (in text). He’s behavior as of late has been lazy and selfish. I acknowledge he has insomnia and brain frog but if he refuses to actually work on finding a resolution for these things my sympathy only stretches so far….
My husband has already told me in earlier conversations that “he just doesn’t know what is wrong with him. I (he) just don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.”
I encourage therapy, seeing a doctor, getting a new hobby, what ever he needs to recenter himself, but he doesn’t even try to do any of the above. I have no idea how much more I can take of this. It’s been a sold 6-9 months of those kind of behavior where he tries to do better but then slides back into complacency. I feel so burnt out most days, I don’t know how you other mamas do it 😭 any way I am waiting for him to get home from work, an hour after he was suppose to be home. I don’t even have the energy to fight with him tonight.
Thank you for reading my vent.

Introduction to Chapter 8 ("Heralded by Columns of Smoke: Pee Dee River to Fayetteville, North Carolina"):
"Once across the Pee Dee River, General Sherman's army marched in the direction of Fayetteville.
"Resistance from Confederate cavalry under Generals Hampton, Butler and Wheeler was steady and continuous. Wheeler attacked at Rockingham on March 7, and Hampton surprised and captured Kilpatrick's camp on March 10. But Sherman's army marched steadily on.
"General Joseph E. Johnston, with headquarters at Fayetteville, was following General Lee's first instruction, 'Concentrate all available forces.' He moved his headquarters to Raleigh and directed the assembling of his army to Smithfield.
"Eighty-four years earlier, in January of 1781, North Carolina had suffered another march by an invading army. Lord Cornwallis and his army followed almost the same route on their way to Wilmington. This army had come three thousand miles to put down 'a rebellion'; and to pursue retreating 'rebels' through a wild and thinly scattered country. His army had passed through Cross Creek, which was now called Fayetteville.
"On March 11, General Sherman and his army entered this town. 'We have swept the country well,' he reported. 'The men and animals are in fine condition.'"
--------------------------------------------
"Miss Alice Campbell was President of the Fayetteville Knitting Society when Colonel A. H. Hickenlooper, of Sherman's army, chose her home for his five-day sojourn. Bummers also visited her."
--------------------------------------------
"'Sherman, with his hordes of depraved and lawless men, came upon us like swarms of bees, bringing sorrow and desolation in their pathway. For days we had been expecting them, and our loved boys in grey had been passing through in squads, looking ragged and hungry. We gave them food and clothing, especially shoes and socks, for many of them were bare-footed. The enemy seemed to be pouring in by every road that led to our doomed little town. Our Cavalry were contending every step, firing and falling back, covering the retreat of our gallant little band, Hardee's forces, with General Wade Hampton, Butler, and others -- the scene in our town baffled description, all was consternation and dismay. In less time than I can write this, Sherman's army was in possession of our once peaceful, quiet homes. Every yard and every house was teeming with the bummers, who went into our homes -- no place was sacred; they even went into our trunks and bureau draws, stealing everything they could find; our entire premises were ransacked and plundered, so there was nothing left for us to eat, but perhaps a little meal and peas. Chickens, and in fact all poultry was shot down and taken off with all else. We all knew our silver, jewelry and all valuables would fall into their hands, so many women hid them in such places as they thought would never be found ....
''They went into homes that were beautiful, rolled elegant pianos into the yard with valuable furniture, china, cut glass, and everything that was dear to the heart, even old family portraits, and chopped them up with axes -- rolled barrels of flour and molasses into the parlors, and poured out their contents on beautiful velvet carpets, in many cases set fire to lovely homes and burned them to the ground, and even took some of our old citizens and hanged them until life was nearly extinct, to force them to tell where their money was hidden; when alas! they had none to hide. They burned our factories, and we had a number of them, also many large warehouses, filled with homespun, and dwellings, banks, stores and other buildings, so that the nights were made hideous with dense smoke and firelight in every direction. The crowning point to this terrible nightmare of destruction was the burning and battering down of our beautiful and grandly magnificent Arsenal, which was our pride, and the showplace of our town.
''On our vacant lot behind our home .... were a number of Confederate prisoners who had been captured by Sherman's army, and placed there under guard. They numbered about one hundred, I think. They were hatless and shoeless and ragged ....'
"One of General Howard's young officers chose to stay in the home of Sally Hawthorne whose father and uncle owned two large cotton mills in Fayetteville. General Howard appropriated one of her uncle's houses and his men camped in the surrounding fields and grounds."For five days, Sally, her mother who 'refused to leave her room,' her father, and a houseful of young brothers and sisters and servants were under strict orders from the officers of invasion.
"'Never will I forget,' said the little girl, Sally, whose story follows."
--------------------------------------------
"'Those last days were busy ones for General Sherman and his staff. The beautiful arsenal was destroyed and, as it happened, several private residences also caught fire and burned down, no help being given to save them, and the helpless owners rescued little, thankful to escape with their lives. Also the office of the town paper was blown up, as the editor was an especially obnoxious person in the eyes of the invading army, having waged a bitter fight against the North, and as his office was in the centre of the business part of town, more buildings were burned. (2) Then came the last day of the occupation; the troops were gathering and horses and supplies were being moved. All horses found there were taken along and many in the surrounding country were rounded up. Then there were the warehouses of cotton and rosin. The cotton was brought out, the barrels of rosin piled on them, and all set afire in the street. If houses caught, they burned, and that was all; many did. So a pall of black smoke hung over everything and the people were in a sad state of excitement and nervous exhaustion. As many houses were without a man to help or advise, the men of the family having been killed or being still in the army, the women and children were alone with the servants. The servants, with very few exceptions, proved true to their trust; they had been left to take care of the mistress and children in the master's absence, and though much excited, and sometimes frightened, they looked after the household faithfully. Of course there were some foolish and giddy young men and women who followed the army as it moved on from place to place, but they were the exception, not the rule ....'
"'No spot seemed safe from Sherman's bummers, but homes in the country or suburbs usually suffered more keenly than those in a town or city. The experiences of an unidentified woman who lived near Fayetteville were shared by many neighbors who were visited by the men from Sherman's army."
---------------------------------------------
<< Fayetteville, N.C., March 22, 1865 >>
".... Sherman has gone and terrible has been the storm that has swept over us with his coming and going. They deliberately shot two of our citizens -- murdered them in cold blood -- one of them a Mr. Murphy, a wounded soldier, Confederate States Army. They hung up three others and one lady, merely letting them down just in time to save life, in order to make them tell where their valuables were concealed; and they whipped -- stripped and cowhided --several good and well known citizens for the same purpose.
"There was no place, no chamber, trunk, drawer, desk, garret, closet or cellar that was private to their unholy eyes. Their rude hands spared nothing but our lives, and those they would have taken but they knew that therein they would accomplish the death of a few helpless women and children -- they would not in the least degree break or bend the spirit of our people. Squad after squad unceasingly came and went and tramped through the halls and rooms of our house day and night during the entire stay of the army.'
"At our house they killed every chicken, goose, turkey, cow, calf and every living thing, even to our pet dog. They carried off our wagons, carriage and horses, and broke up our buggy, wheelbarrow, garden implements, axes, hatchets, hammers, saws, and burned the fences. Our smokehouse and pantry, that a few days ago were well stored with bacon, lard, flour, dried fruit, meal, pickles, preserves, etc., now contain nothing whatever except a few pounds of meal and flour and five pounds of bacon. They took from old men, women and children alike, every garment of wearing apparel save what we had on, not even sparing the napkins of infants! Blankets, sheets, quilts, &c., such as it did not suit them to take away they tore to pieces before our eyes. After destroying everything we had, and taking from us every morsel of food (save the pittance I have mentioned), one of these barbarians had to add insult to injury by asking me 'what you (I) would live upon now?' I replied, 'Upon patriotism; I will exist upon the love of my country as long as life will last, and then I will die as firm in that love as the everlasting hills.
''Oh,' says he, ' but we shall soon subjugate the rebellion, and you will then have no country to love.
''Never!' I interrupted, 'never! you and your blood-handed countrymen may make the whole of this beautiful land one vast graveyard but its people will never be subjugated. Every man, woman and child of us will sleep quietly in honourable graves, but we will never live dishonourable lives .....'"
"When Sherman Came: Southern Women and the 'Great March'" by Katharine M. Jones (1964). Chapter 8: "Heralded by Columns of Smoke: Pee Dee River to Fayetteville, North Carolina." New York: The Bobbs-Merrill Company, Inc. Pages 273-286.

Introduction to Chapter 8 ("Heralded by Columns of Smoke: Pee Dee River to Fayetteville, North Carolina"):
"Once across the Pee Dee River, General Sherman's army marched in the direction of Fayetteville.
"Resistance from Confederate cavalry under Generals Hampton, Butler and Wheeler was steady and continuous. Wheeler attacked at Rockingham on March 7, and Hampton surprised and captured Kilpatrick's camp on March 10. But Sherman's army marched steadily on.
"General Joseph E. Johnston, with headquarters at Fayetteville, was following General Lee's first instruction, 'Concentrate all available forces.' He moved his headquarters to Raleigh and directed the assembling of his army to Smithfield.
"Eighty-four years earlier, in January of 1781, North Carolina had suffered another march by an invading army. Lord Cornwallis and his army followed almost the same route on their way to Wilmington. This army had come three thousand miles to put down 'a rebellion'; and to pursue retreating 'rebels' through a wild and thinly scattered country. His army had passed through Cross Creek, which was now called Fayetteville.

"On March 11, General Sherman and his army entered this town. 'We have swept the country well,' he reported. 'The men and animals are in fine condition.'"

"Miss Alice Campbell was President of the Fayetteville Knitting Society when Colonel A. H. Hickenlooper, of Sherman's army, chose her home for his five-day sojourn. Bummers also visited her."
"'Sherman, with his hordes of depraved and lawless men, came upon us like swarms of bees, bringing sorrow and desolation in their pathway. For days we had been expecting them, and our loved boys in grey had been passing through in squads, looking ragged and hungry. We gave them food and clothing, especially shoes and socks, for many of them were bare-footed. The enemy seemed to be pouring in by every road that led to our doomed little town. Our Cavalry were contending every step, firing and falling back, covering the retreat of our gallant little band, Hardee's forces, with General Wade Hampton, Butler, and others -- the scene in our town baffled description, all was consternation and dismay. In less time than I can write this, Sherman's army was in possession of our once peaceful, quiet homes. Every yard and every house was teeming with the bummers, who went into our homes -- no place was sacred; they even went into our trunks and bureau draws, stealing everything they could find; our entire premises were ransacked and plundered, so there was nothing left for us to eat, but perhaps a little meal and peas. Chickens, and in fact all poultry was shot down and taken off with all else. We all knew our silver, jewelry and all valuables would fall into their hands, so many women hid them in such places as they thought would never be found ....
''They went into homes that were beautiful, rolled elegant pianos into the yard with valuable furniture, china, cut glass, and everything that was dear to the heart, even old family portraits, and chopped them up with axes -- rolled barrels of flour and molasses into the parlors, and poured out their contents on beautiful velvet carpets, in many cases set fire to lovely homes and burned them to the ground, and even took some of our old citizens and hanged them until life was nearly extinct, to force them to tell where their money was hidden; when alas! they had none to hide. They burned our factories, and we had a number of them, also many large warehouses, filled with homespun, and dwellings, banks, stores and other buildings, so that the nights were made hideous with dense smoke and firelight in every direction. The crowning point to this terrible nightmare of destruction was the burning and battering down of our beautiful and grandly magnificent Arsenal, which was our pride, and the showplace of our town.
''On our vacant lot behind our home .... were a number of Confederate prisoners who had been captured by Sherman's army, and placed there under guard. They numbered about one hundred, I think. They were hatless and shoeless and ragged ....'
"One of General Howard's young officers chose to stay in the home of Sally Hawthorne whose father and uncle owned two large cotton mills in Fayetteville. General Howard appropriated one of her uncle's houses and his men camped in the surrounding fields and grounds."For five days, Sally, her mother who 'refused to leave her room,' her father, and a houseful of young brothers and sisters and servants were under strict orders from the officers of invasion.
"'Never will I forget,' said the little girl, Sally, whose story follows."
--------------------------------------------
"'Those last days were busy ones for General Sherman and his staff. The beautiful arsenal was destroyed and, as it happened, several private residences also caught fire and burned down, no help being given to save them, and the helpless owners rescued little, thankful to escape with their lives. Also the office of the town paper was blown up, as the editor was an especially obnoxious person in the eyes of the invading army, having waged a bitter fight against the North, and as his office was in the centre of the business part of town, more buildings were burned. (2) Then came the last day of the occupation; the troops were gathering and horses and supplies were being moved. All horses found there were taken along and many in the surrounding country were rounded up. Then there were the warehouses of cotton and rosin. The cotton was brought out, the barrels of rosin piled on them, and all set afire in the street. If houses caught, they burned, and that was all; many did. So a pall of black smoke hung over everything and the people were in a sad state of excitement and nervous exhaustion. As many houses were without a man to help or advise, the men of the family having been killed or being still in the army, the women and children were alone with the servants. The servants, with very few exceptions, proved true to their trust; they had been left to take care of the mistress and children in the master's absence, and though much excited, and sometimes frightened, they looked after the household faithfully. Of course there were some foolish and giddy young men and women who followed the army as it moved on from place to place, but they were the exception, not the rule ....'
"'No spot seemed safe from Sherman's bummers, but homes in the country or suburbs usually suffered more keenly than those in a town or city. The experiences of an unidentified woman who lived near Fayetteville were shared by many neighbors who were visited by the men from Sherman's army."
---------------------------------------------
<< Fayetteville, N.C., March 22, 1865 >>
".... Sherman has gone and terrible has been the storm that has swept over us with his coming and going. They deliberately shot two of our citizens -- murdered them in cold blood -- one of them a Mr. Murphy, a wounded soldier, Confederate States Army. They hung up three others and one lady, merely letting them down just in time to save life, in order to make them tell where their valuables were concealed; and they whipped -- stripped and cowhided --several good and well known citizens for the same purpose.
"There was no place, no chamber, trunk, drawer, desk, garret, closet or cellar that was private to their unholy eyes. Their rude hands spared nothing but our lives, and those they would have taken but they knew that therein they would accomplish the death of a few helpless women and children -- they would not in the least degree break or bend the spirit of our people. Squad after squad unceasingly came and went and tramped through the halls and rooms of our house day and night during the entire stay of the army.'
"At our house they killed every chicken, goose, turkey, cow, calf and every living thing, even to our pet dog. They carried off our wagons, carriage and horses, and broke up our buggy, wheelbarrow, garden implements, axes, hatchets, hammers, saws, and burned the fences. Our smokehouse and pantry, that a few days ago were well stored with bacon, lard, flour, dried fruit, meal, pickles, preserves, etc., now contain nothing whatever except a few pounds of meal and flour and five pounds of bacon. They took from old men, women and children alike, every garment of wearing apparel save what we had on, not even sparing the napkins of infants! Blankets, sheets, quilts, &c., such as it did not suit them to take away they tore to pieces before our eyes. After destroying everything we had, and taking from us every morsel of food (save the pittance I have mentioned), one of these barbarians had to add insult to injury by asking me 'what you (I) would live upon now?' I replied, 'Upon patriotism; I will exist upon the love of my country as long as life will last, and then I will die as firm in that love as the everlasting hills.
''Oh,' says he, ' but we shall soon subjugate the rebellion, and you will then have no country to love.
''Never!' I interrupted, 'never! you and your blood-handed countrymen may make the whole of this beautiful land one vast graveyard but its people will never be subjugated. Every man, woman and child of us will sleep quietly in honourable graves, but we will never live dishonourable lives .....'"
"When Sherman Came: Southern Women and the 'Great March'" by Katharine M. Jones (1964). Chapter 8: "Heralded by Columns of Smoke: Pee Dee River to Fayetteville, North Carolina." New York: The Bobbs-Merrill Company, Inc. Pages 273-286.

There is a lot of context needed in this situation so please bare with me. Lately, I (25F) haven’t heard much from a friend who’s been in my life since college, so 7 ish years. We’ll call her B (25F). On our last year of college I got into a very toxic relationship where he wouldn’t let me see friends, go out, etc. if he wasn’t there too. This put a strain on all of my relationships, family included, besides my friendship with B. She was consistently supportive of me and was able to stay my close friend while sharing her grievances, which I made very hard for those around me because when you’re in that kind of relationship, your blind. She ended up moving out of our college town into my hometown after graduation. I wasn’t able to get out of the relationship and move back to my hometown until about a year later. I come to find out that B had been struggling in my hometown and had a hard time making friends or being happy. I was able to move into an awesome apartment with another friend who was actually the one to give me the courage to leave him. This was very exciting to me because I was able to introduce B to the lot of my friends from home that I adore. After that, me and B were both single and drinking a lot, sleeping around somewhat, and staying out late. B meets this guy named A who she fell for instantly. He didn’t want to be serious with her but they hung out constantly. She spent almost every night with him and despite him telling her that he only liked her as a friend and F-buddy, she was in love with him. She would drunk call/text every weekend, and started getting black out drunk a lot. When they broke up things got much worse. She would call me that she lost her car, didn’t remember getting home, even peed on her neighbors door and almost got kicked out of her apartment building for it. She had even threatened to kill herself once or twice. This has taken a severe toll on our friendship. These instances I always dropped everything to help her. I have become exhausted over the years and simply fed up. Fast forward a year and a half or so, two years after my last relationship, the one that was very toxic. I’d since become fed up with the antics so I started going home early when we hung out, distancing myself etc. every so often she’d “sober up” after a mental breakdown, somewhat get back on track, and then black out drunk again waking up at a random guys house. I recently met my now boyfriend about 4 months ago (28M) at my job. This guy really swept me off my feet. We will refer to him as X. It started off very casual but I was clearly very taken. B told me almost immediately after I told her it was getting serious between me and X that a girl she works with used to date X and that he ghosted her after telling her he loved her and that he’d buy her a house, all this really bad stuff. This rubbed me very odd because he seemed very sure about what he wanted out of a relationship and I felt we were on the same page about almost everything. I decided in the end not to bring it up to him, because I didn’t think the mistakes of anyone’s past dating history should affect the present, especially because he didn’t show me any red flags. He eventually shared it with me anyway and that he felt awful about how he acted in past relationships and how he has grown since then. I’d come to find out that this relationship B had told me about was over 4 years ago. She also constantly told me to “be careful” and to “keep a guard up” things like that because she swore he wasn’t a good guy and not the one for me. Note that she, at that point, had never met him and not once told me she was happy for me or seemed excited etc. This is all in the middle of severe mood swings, binge drinking and mental health episodes. She even almost didn’t come to my birthday dinner because she was too hungover and sad, and tried to make the night all about her and was a Debby downer the rest of the evening. B told me that another new work friend of hers that went to high school with X said he was an asshole in high school too, and that I should really rethink this entire thing. My roommate N also went to high school with X and explained to me that B’s work friend was a little off putting growing up, didn’t have many friends and since they went to a very large school, they didn’t even know each other. This was also very odd to me. I told B that these random bits about X’s past are not appreciated and did not affect how I felt about him. After all this I really started distancing myself from B. We hung out here and there, during the day mostly to avoid having to deal with her drinking. She’d come into my work with her new work friends to start their nights off before getting black out with them, buying bags of cocaine even, etc. This past episode was my final straw. She went back to her hometown to visit family and texted me something very cryptic. It was “we need to talk. It’s very important and will have to wait until I get back from my trip, which is in 4 days.” I felt like I maybe did something wrong, and I was concerned so I told her how I felt and she did not respond. After some time I texted again saying that I’m stressed and asked her to explain. She ignored that completely and instead texted to tell me she’s having another mental breakdown and was at the clinic. I told her I am there for her if she needs to talk and what not. She gets back home and we hang out twice and she did not bring up our “little talk”. I finally bit the bullet and confronted her and asked what it was about and she told me “not to worry about it”. I sent her a lengthy text telling her that I am needing to put up boundaries because I found what she did manipulative. I didn’t say the world manipulative explicitly because in the past when she’s been confronted, she shuts down completely and will block you out for weeks on end until you apologize. She ended up apologizing for that and didn’t mean to trigger me, since my toxic ex used to say things like “we need to talk. But it’ll wait til we’re at home” and then I’d freak out until he got home and it would be something stupid, he just wanted me to be stressed out for a while. After this I stopped reaching out. I saw her while I was out with X and friends of his, and we talked for a bit before me and X went home for the night. The next day she texted me “are we still doing something later or na?” And I didn’t recall making any plans so I said so. She just liked the message and I haven’t heard from her since, really. She’s had a really hard time in her life. She lost her mother during her teenage years and I know Mother’s Day is a very hard day for her. I really care about B, but her behavior lately is making me not want to be around her at all. I sent her that I was thinking about her and her mom on Mother’s Day and did not hear back(even though she texted my mom for Mother’s Day). Then I started seeing online that she’s liking posts with the topic “I hate that one friend who drops everyone when they get into a relationship, it’s the most disgusting type of friend”. Multiple posts like that, and I know they’re about me. It made me feel really guilty for not hanging out with B anymore. I ask my other friends if the amount I see X bothers them, and the answer is always no. That I should be able to see my significant other who I’m falling in love with as much as we’d both like to. It’s not like it was with my toxic ex at all. It just seems to me like B is thinking it’s going to be the same way as it was. She’s fully ignoring me now, and even though I’m not reaching out either, I still feel like the asshole. AITA?

There is a lot of context needed in this situation so please bare with me. Lately, I (25F) haven’t heard much from a friend who’s been in my life since college, so 7 ish years. We’ll call her B (25F). On our last year of college I got into a very toxic relationship where he wouldn’t let me see friends, go out, etc. if he wasn’t there too. This put a strain on all of my relationships, family included, besides my friendship with B. She was consistently supportive of me and was able to stay my close friend while sharing her grievances, which I made very hard for those around me because when you’re in that kind of relationship, your blind. She ended up moving out of our college town into my hometown after graduation. I wasn’t able to get out of the relationship and move back to my hometown until about a year later. I come to find out that B had been struggling in my hometown and had a hard time making friends or being happy. I was able to move into an awesome apartment with another friend who was actually the one to give me the courage to leave him. This was very exciting to me because I was able to introduce B to the lot of my friends from home that I adore. After that, me and B were both single and drinking a lot, sleeping around somewhat, and staying out late. B meets this guy named A who she fell for instantly. He didn’t want to be serious with her but they hung out constantly. She spent almost every night with him and despite him telling her that he only liked her as a friend and F-buddy, she was in love with him. She would drunk call/text every weekend, and started getting black out drunk a lot. When they broke up things got much worse. She would call me that she lost her car, didn’t remember getting home, even peed on her neighbors door and almost got kicked out of her apartment building for it. She had even threatened to kill herself once or twice. This has taken a severe toll on our friendship. These instances I always dropped everything to help her. I have become exhausted over the years and simply fed up. Fast forward a year and a half or so, two years after my last relationship, the one that was very toxic. I’d since become fed up with the antics so I started going home early when we hung out, distancing myself etc. every so often she’d “sober up” after a mental breakdown, somewhat get back on track, and then black out drunk again waking up at a random guys house. I recently met my now boyfriend about 4 months ago (28M) at my job. This guy really swept me off my feet. We will refer to him as X. It started off very casual but I was clearly very taken. B told me almost immediately after I told her it was getting serious between me and X that a girl she works with used to date X and that he ghosted her after telling her he loved her and that he’d buy her a house, all this really bad stuff. This rubbed me very odd because he seemed very sure about what he wanted out of a relationship and I felt we were on the same page about almost everything. I decided in the end not to bring it up to him, because I didn’t think the mistakes of anyone’s past dating history should affect the present, especially because he didn’t show me any red flags. He eventually shared it with me anyway and that he felt awful about how he acted in past relationships and how he has grown since then. I’d come to find out that this relationship B had told me about was over 4 years ago. She also constantly told me to “be careful” and to “keep a guard up” things like that because she swore he wasn’t a good guy and not the one for me. Note that she, at that point, had never met him and not once told me she was happy for me or seemed excited etc. This is all in the middle of severe mood swings, binge drinking and mental health episodes. She even almost didn’t come to my birthday dinner because she was too hungover and sad, and tried to make the night all about her and was a Debby downer the rest of the evening. B told me that another new work friend of hers that went to high school with X said he was an asshole in high school too, and that I should really rethink this entire thing. My roommate N also went to high school with X and explained to me that B’s work friend was a little off putting growing up, didn’t have many friends and since they went to a very large school, they didn’t even know each other. This was also very odd to me. I told B that these random bits about X’s past are not appreciated and did not affect how I felt about him. After all this I really started distancing myself from B. We hung out here and there, during the day mostly to avoid having to deal with her drinking. She’d come into my work with her new work friends to start their nights off before getting black out with them, buying bags of cocaine even, etc. This past episode was my final straw. She went back to her hometown to visit family and texted me something very cryptic. It was “we need to talk. It’s very important and will have to wait until I get back from my trip, which is in 4 days.” I felt like I maybe did something wrong, and I was concerned so I told her how I felt and she did not respond. After some time I texted again saying that I’m stressed and asked her to explain. She ignored that completely and instead texted to tell me she’s having another mental breakdown and was at the clinic. I told her I am there for her if she needs to talk and what not. She gets back home and we hang out twice and she did not bring up our “little talk”. I finally bit the bullet and confronted her and asked what it was about and she told me “not to worry about it”. I sent her a lengthy text telling her that I am needing to put up boundaries because I found what she did manipulative. I didn’t say the world manipulative explicitly because in the past when she’s been confronted, she shuts down completely and will block you out for weeks on end until you apologize. She ended up apologizing for that and didn’t mean to trigger me, since my toxic ex used to say things like “we need to talk. But it’ll wait til we’re at home” and then I’d freak out until he got home and it would be something stupid, he just wanted me to be stressed out for a while. After this I stopped reaching out. I saw her while I was out with X and friends of his, and we talked for a bit before me and X went home for the night. The next day she texted me “are we still doing something later or na?” And I didn’t recall making any plans so I said so. She just liked the message and I haven’t heard from her since, really. She’s had a really hard time in her life. She lost her mother during her teenage years and I know Mother’s Day is a very hard day for her. I really care about B, but her behavior lately is making me not want to be around her at all. I sent her that I was thinking about her and her mom on Mother’s Day and did not hear back(even though she texted my mom for Mother’s Day). Then I started seeing online that she’s liking posts with the topic “I hate that one friend who drops everyone when they get into a relationship, it’s the most disgusting type of friend”. Multiple posts like that, and I know they’re about me. It made me feel really guilty for not hanging out with B anymore. I ask my other friends if the amount I see X bothers them, and the answer is always no. That I should be able to see my significant other who I’m falling in love with as much as we’d both like to. It’s not like it was with my toxic ex at all. It just seems to me like B is thinking it’s going to be the same way as it was. She’s fully ignoring me now, and even though I’m not reaching out either, I still feel like the asshole. AITA?

This is a very new relationship, about a month and a half long. Honestly this is very confusing for me. When we are in person, I can’t get enough of him, not in a sexual way, just his presence. I love him and love talking to him and just spending time together. He makes me laugh so hard and is incredibly sweet. But as soon as we’re away from each other (we see each other about 2-3 times a week because of school, work, and social lives out side of eachother), I don’t really feel compelled to talk to him much, and when he texts me I sometimes put off responding for a while, not because I dislike texting him, but because I don’t want to?
Don’t get me wrong, i was never the type of person to wait on texting someone because I wanted to make them jealous or anything. But whenever he texts, I just kinda ignore it and pay attention to whatever’s in front of me. I used to be very quick to respond, and it’s gotten worse as we’ve gone along. We do chat here and there, which i’m happy with (i don’t want to be the person always on their phone talking to their boyfriend), say i love you, good morning, and goodnight.
The times I feel bad are days when we’re having a conversation and i get swept up with something in person and don’t respond for hours. Then when I do he’s dry, which I understand. Couple of examples:
On friday, we had a farewell assembly for seniors who were leaving. school got out early, so me and my friends (2 other girls, 4 guys) went to starbucks, then to work on one of our cars. then i went home, crashed and didn’t wake up until almost 10. I didn’t text him the whole time, from around 9/10 am to 10 pm, and dropped off in the middle of a conversation we were having. He had also texted me during my nap. He seemed annoyed while texting that night (he was at work), but didn’t address anything.
Today, I have an off period so I got off school early. I drove home, sat and listened to music for another half hour. When I went inside I texted him telling him i’m off school and he said I was out a little early. I had said i got off earlier and was listening to music and all he said was “I see”. Then the rest of his texts were pretty dry, and he cut the conversation off short.
I feel really bad, but I don’t really want to talk about it with him until I understand why i’m doing this, because I want to give him an explanation. i’m also not 100% sure it’s an issue, because he’s a pretty laid back guy, but I do think it’s bothering him, and I want him to be happy. I just want to know why so that I can know what to look out for and change. any advice on what to do and how to address it?? or does it seem like i’m overthinking things?

Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 7 of baseball Power Rankings: These baseball numbers have been forwarded directly from Manfred's office. They are accurate and caanot be questioned.
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:

"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."

TRANSPARENCY: This link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
Check out the Auxilliary Post for added statistics and fun!
If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 30 of 30. Another Perfect Vote!.

#		Team	Δ	Comment	Record
1		Dodgers	0	The Dodgers started off a mediocre road trip by sweeping the Marlins in dominant fashion, followed by a sleepy series against the padres. My early season prediction of the Dodgers's infield defense being the biggest issue was completely wrong. Mookie looks natural at short, and Muncy has been playing pretty darn well at 3rd. We will be using our prayers this week to pray that Shohei is going to be okay	27-15
2		Phillies	+1	It's tough to end the week on a walkoff loss to the Marlins and feel good, but it's hard to complain about a 4-2 stretch. Nick Castellanos might finally not be the worst hitter in baseball after he says he started treating hitting like glorified batting practice again. Ranger Suarez has arguably been the best pitcher in baseball, pitching to a 1.5 ERA and an astounding 0.72 WHIP with team wins in each of his starts. Somehow this performance isn't even all that surprising for a guy with a 4.18 ERA last year. He was this dominant in a half season between the bullpen and rotation in 2021 and has a career 1.62 ERA in 7 postseason starts and 2 relief appearances. This week: another weird scheduling quirk as they play a 4 game set against the Mets with the first two at Citi Field and the next two in Philly before the Nats come to town for a 3 game series.	28-13
3		Orioles	-1	I was hoping the Orioles would go 5-1 this week but they went 4-2. Still nothing to be super upset about. I think the main concerns right now are Mullins is hitting under .200 and Santander still not hitting the way he can. Yesterdays game was just not great so hopefully it was just a one-off and can be flushed and they move on. Blue Jays and Mariners are in town this week so it doesn't get any easier.	26-13
4		Yankees	0	Our pitching is so good right now. Anyone in the rotation could pull a Glasnow and write their number on a ball for a cute girl, and she’d call. Doesn’t even have to have their name. She doesn’t care if its’s Nestor Cortes or Clarke Schmidt. Yankees starter? She’s calling, and she’s shaving her legs beforehand. If we signed Pete Davidson for some spot starts there'd be a second baby boom. By the way, my nickname for Clarke Schmidt used to be Farte Schidt. He has very much made me eat my aforementioned schidt this year, and officially has the second-best starter ERA behind Luis Gil, as we all predicted. In other news, Judge and Stanton both have their pop at once, Soto is doing what Soto does, and Verdugo is playing sneaky good right now. We also officially took the season series against Houston 6-1, which feels GREAT. If only they were a playoff team so we could finally bounce them this year. Oh well. A Yankees-A’s ALCS it is.	27-15
5		Braves	0	The walk off loss hurts, but can't be too upset with a 4-1 bounce back week! Big time perfromance from our SP. Giving up only 4 ERs in 23.2 IP (1.52 ERA) in these 5 games. Our bats are not what we have come to expect, but that can't last much longer. Signs of life from Acuña and Olson and continued performance by Ozuna. If by the end of May we don't see massive improvement to our offensive numbers, I will be surprised. Until then, buckle up because the offense is coming.	24-13
6		Twins	+3	Another great week, Sausage be praised! We took series from the Blue Jays and Mariners with both blowouts and well-pitched close games. I think it's safe to say that the team has found its groove, and this is how the Twins can be expected to perform moving forward. The only blip has been that the bullpen is having a slight slump, but that will even out shortly.	24-16
7		Brewers	0	Paul Who? The only starting pitcher debut I care about is BOBBY GAS who threw 6 innings of 2 hit, 0 run ball in a win against the Cardinals. He fills a much needed spot in the Brewers rotation, and likely would have been up sooner if not for an injury of his own. Rhys Hoskins also had a monster week, racking up 3 HR and 9 RBI in hist last 5 games. I had my doubts this young lineup and shaky rotation actually could be a contending ballclub over 162 games, but I'm not going to argue with the results.	24-16
8		Guardians	-2	Another bad week. The Guardians had rough series against the Tigers and the mighty World Champion favorite White Sox. This coming week, we play the reigning World Series champs and the hottest team in our division. I'm not worried. Not at all.	25-16
9		Cubs	-1	The Cubs went 3-3 this week in what felt like a complete microcosm of their season. While they did get Justin Steele, Cody Bellinger, and Seiya Suzuki back from injury, they lost Dansby Swanson and Yency Almonte, who had been a rare reliable bullpen arm. Christopher Morel also had a scare after tweaking his knee sliding into sexond, but fortunately is alright. Otherwise, the offense remained inconsistent, the starting pitching was outstanding, and the bullpen was abysmal at worst and heart-stopping at best. While he didn't continue his usual dominance against them, Ian Happ extended his streak of 62 consecutive games reaching base vs the Pirates. This week, the Cubs travel to Atlanta to take on the Braves before hosting the Pirates for 4 games.	24-17
10		Royals	+2	The Royals have a chance to be in first place by themselves this late in the season for the first time since 2016. It feels like a lifetime ago. Yes, it is just seven weeks into the season but hopes are usually gone by this point. Maybe this year can be different.	25-17
11		Mariners	0	Apologies for any typos, doing this from mobile is miserable. Not the best week, but given the pitching hiccups I can't complain too much. Woo is back (and hopefully staying back, him getting pulled was a bit of a scare.) The next few series are another gauntlet, and if the M's can make it through playing relatively well they'll be in a good positon to take advantage of their schedule for the end of the month and early June. Up next: 3 vs. Roy L's, 3 @ Oreo L's	22-19
12		Padres	+2	The San Diego Madres beat LA on both día de las Madres (friday) as well as Mother’s Day, wherein both we got great pitching performances from King and Darvish respectively. Arraez capped off the walk-off win on friday, and it was nice to see Bogaerts get one deep on Sunday. So far in ‘24 the Padres haven’t lost a series to the Dodgers, whether in LA, San Diego, or South Korea. It’s a bit cathartic, though I do wish there was less blue in the stands this weekend though. Really interested to see how they come out against the rocks, as SD was only able to split the 4-game series earlier in the season. This one lines up between the series’s vs LA and ATL, it could be a bit of a trap, hoping the Pads continue their series winning streak (which is now at 4) and just take care of business.	22-21
13		Rangers	-3	The baseball gods are unforgiving. Sacrfices have to be made and will continue to be made to the baseball gods. Oh dear baseball gods please forgive our hubris for thinking the baseball suffering was over. It was not but also, flags fly forever.	22-20
14		Red Sox	-1	The Sox have not been having a good May. Losing Casas has been brutal, and the expected bump in performance from Vaughn Grissom at 2nd hasn't happened (well, at least not yet). As a team we have a decent looking triple slash, but situationally they've been horrible. In high leverage PAs, the Sox are hitting .195/.264/.272 in 247 PAs. We have loads of talent, but there's always some issue whether it be defense or clutch hitting that holds us back from being truly competitive.	21-19
15		Tigers	0	The City Connects... phew phew phew. Looks like we got tire tracks laid on us after a truck ran us over. No thanks. I hate it... and that's not even mentioning the dumb hat. In terms of actual baseball, though, Tarik Skubal is still Skuballing. This week: 3 vs. MIA, 3 at ARI.	20-20
16		Rays	0	It was a .500 week for the Rays, and the good news is things are looking better, but only like maybe? Randy and Yandy seem to be coming back a bit; glancing at the lineup's batting avg in the game threads isn't painful anymore. Ben Rortvedt is over .300 in the catcher position which is unheard of for this team. The bad news is pitching is only bouncing back from abysmal to below average. A week against division opponents on the road will test if that improvement is here to stay or if it was just a new uniform bounce.	20-21
17		D-Backs	+3	The Diamondbacks have been winning more games of late but are still underperforming their Pythagorean record and are 3 games below .500 despite a +17 run differential. Reinforcements should be coming back from injury soon which should help.	19-22
18		Mets	-1	I prewrote a big and extremely negative blurb about the Mets getting swept by the Braves. That did not happen, Brandon Nimmo hit a walk off homer on Sunday Night Baseball immediately as I was about to close my computer. Never been so glad to be wrong. Bring on the Phillies and Marlins.	19-20
19		Nationals	0	Two large accomplishments for the Nats in the last week - 1) For the first time since 2021, the Nats climbed over .500 with an opening win over the Orioles in a 2-game series. 2) Patrick Corbin recorded a win this week vs the Red Sox (his first since 9/11/23 vs the Pirates). The Nationals quickly slid back under .500 losing the 2nd game vs the Orioles and then 2 of 3 against the Red Sox. James Wood is hitting everything in AAA (over 1.000 OPS) so there are lots of calls for HRCHU.	19-20
20		Blue Jays	+1	Very up and down week for the Cyrulean Winged Creatures of Ontario. A 1-1 split with Philly and a 1-2 tilt vs Minnesota extended a too-long stretch of not winning series. Turns out, the combination of bad offense and a bad bullpen is bad. But there have been some glimpses of hope, at least. Alek Manoah threw a gem on Sunday, giving up 0 ER and 1 BB over 7 IP with 6 Ks. Also, Vladdy is hot as shit right now; since the last week of March, he's been hitting over .400 with a nearly 1.000 OPS. Still, the Jays in general continue to underperform and hover just below .500. Mid-May is not the time to freak out and this team is in too deep to consider a full tear-down even in a lost year, but things will be getting worrisome if they can't pull out of this middling stretch that has defined the first quarter of the season.	18-22
21		Giants	+4	Believe it or not, the Giants had a winning week. They continue their flirtation with being a decent team. However, we would like the world to know about several issues	19-23
22		Athletics	0	Happy Mother's Day, say hi or I'll drop by. Rough week, our bullpen had some awful games esp w/ Kotsay's choices. Will possibly fall below the Astros this week as we play them along with the Royals, and unlike last year I don't think we're a better team than KC. Toro and Harris have been playing well with Soderstrom getting some reps in (A+ defense from them), but Gelof will likely return and change something there.	19-23
23		Reds	-5	What is the meaning of suffering? This question has stumped philosophers throughout the ages, but nobody has come up with an answer. On the opposite side of this, we have also been in search of evidence of the divine, and we’ve searched for it in things like the miracle of our world. But again, we haven’t found anything. What if we’re looking in the wrong place? What if suffering is the greatest proof of a divine presence? Suffering is an art. Perhaps the greatest art ever devised. Devised by who or what though? Some greater power looming over us all? Some great cosmic being who looks upon us the same way as we do ants? Some primordial consciousness created trillions of years ago in the Big Bang that’s been merely existing all this time and only gets enjoyment out of the suffering of others? How do we figure this out? Who do we ask? I have a suggestion, we can ask baseball fans. We are connoisseurs of suffering. Ask an A’s fan about the meaning of suffering and you’ll get your answer just by looking into their eyes. Ask a Rockies fan, or a White Sox fan, or even a long dead Expos fan. It’s weeks like this that make me ask why do people even like baseball. Why do I even like baseball? Well, I remember my grandfather, since I live in the midwest we always called him Papaw, and he was the biggest baseball nut I know. He got me into baseball at a young age, and I remember one day asking why he loved it so much. When I say he was a baseball nut, I mean he was a season ticket holder, bought all the merchandise, had books about baseball and biographies written by baseball players, he had all of it. He could tell you everything about the sport with ease. So I asked him why did he love baseball so much because at that time I found it boring, and you know I still to this day remember his response. He told me baseball is 3 hours of nothing happening, but when something did happen, it was the most beautiful sport god ever created. I loved that man. Anyway this is all a long way to say the Reds suck ass right now.	17-23
24		Astros	0	Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there, especially yours. I'll visit her later, don't worry. The Astros continue to take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Kyle Tucker is the man and we should extend him immediately. Our pitching is still mostly trash and no one deserves an extension.	15-25
25		Pirates	-2	Paul Skenes made his highly-anticipated debut on Saturday, and it was one of two games the Pirates won last week. And they only won that game after first blowing a 6-1 lead thanks to 6 (SIX!) walks with the bases loaded. At one point. Kyle Nicolas threw 12 straight balls with the bases loaded. The bullpen was so depleted that Nicolas had to pitch the next day after Aroldis Chapman gave up 2 runs and 2 walks in the 10th inning, only for Nicolas to give up another run on a wild pitch. The Pirates then hit a 2-run homer in the bottom of the inning and lost 5-4. So yeah, that's how things are going in Pittsburgh right now.	18-23
26		Cardinals	0	Bro, I'm straight up not having a good time.	16-24
27		Angels	0	Hot and then cold and then hot again, Jo Adell hit three homers this past week. With a wRC+ on the season now standing at 134 and a wOBA of .363, the next step for him is now maintaining a level of consistency. With a bottom-ranking farm system, his future may not ultimately be in Anaheim. The looming rebuild is going to be a long and slow process and at the age of 25, it is hard to see much point in keeping him if someone else starts looking his way.	15-26
28		Rockies	+2	We have the longest winning streak in baseball. We just swept the defending champs. I'm pretty sure that means Rocktober is coming. In all seriousness, the Rockies finally gelled for the first time this season. The Rangers didn't play poorly, the Rockies just played well. The concern now is what kind of "Coors Hangover" we'll see.	12-28
29		White Sox	0	The White Sox had a shockingly good week while clinching the season series against the Rays and winning 3 of 4 from the Guardians over the weekend. They have been playing objectively better baseball lately (which means that their 72 wRC+ season stat was at 84 last week, and their pitching has been middle of the league since the start of May). It's not much, but it's something. Myself, I'm excited to attend my first ball game of the year tonight. Of course, I'll be going to the Schaumburg Boomers home opener.	12-29
30		Marlins	-2	So the fish still cant produce runs but at least we got burger back. Luzardo looks much better in his return to the bigs but oof braxton garrett. Somehow miami managed to squeeze out a win this week against two top teams but well see how they do against the tigers and mets this upcoming season.	11-31

I hate that I use this account to post these sad rants but this is my new way of trying to explain myself. I’ve let months go by simply by accepting I’ll die soon.
I had my first serious attempt yesterday (none have come this close). Mother’s Day. Who does that ? My whole immediate family including young kids (my first baby cousins) came over. Usually at these parties I’m one of the best dressed, on making drinks, somehow am also the entertainer and the one to get the kids to sit/eat. Can’t even imagine my family getting to the house and finding me lifeless. Yet I still tried to die. Due to my appearance and having avoided my family for the last few months.. everyone asked me if I was “okay”. I was pretty good with avoiding these pursuits of answers by helping in the kitchen and playing with the kids. No sane adult is going to force you, an adult, to start explaining where/what you’ve been when a kid is playing with you or your hands are occupied. I pathetically took advantage of this. I’ve always been relatively close to my family but I’ve burned ties twice now. First time around this time last year and second time we are currently in. What got me out of that first time ? I’m not really sure. I think I just knew I had to try one more time before really giving up. There were some cornered moments and while my loved ones were just doing what family does (checking in) I just kept replaying my attempt that occurred precisely two hours before anyone got there. I wore a dress with a collar. This collar was important because my neck was extremely bruised and looked scratched. My attempt if not apparent by now was by partial hanging. I put makeup on it and left my hair down to cover. It wasn’t enough but this goes to show how good I was with avoiding eye contact and being investigated. My sister isn’t easily fooled. We were setting up some food before people arrived and she asked me what happened to my neck. I didn’t even take the time to come up with a story just in case. Was it a cry for help? I wasn’t going to let it be. I somehow blamed it on my necklace scratching me when I took it off. To this second I don’t know how she believed me or the conversation shifted. Must have been a combination of my tone/mannerism and her just going with the flow because I was actually present. I haven’t been with anyone in so long. My isolation has ruined everything. Anyways I put more concealer and kept a smile for my family. My dad walked into the gathering with flowers for everyone. After greeting everyone he approached me with my own orchid and a trinket for me. I am not a mother but he made it a point to include me and to remind me he thinks of me. The trinket can be described as a decoration for a table. An all in all thoughtful gift. It has in cursive “live the life you love, love the life you live” with a clip I’m guessing to add a picture. I immediately grabbed it, turned it around so I wasn’t reading it anymore, somehow changed the conversation and he being my father (I believe knows me more than I think), took the hint to walk away. I’m grateful he did because I was about to have a mental breakdown. I somehow held my tears back and forced my attention back to my baby cousin which wasn’t hard she was drawing and wanted me to see. After a bit of this she wanted to go by the front of the house to play and her mom was there alone. This is down a hall away from where we were. I felt time move slow as we made eye contact and my mouth go dry as the space between us was closing. I knew what was coming. Everyone else was congregated in the kitchen and family room. A simple what’s up how have you been was about to send me over the edge. I didn’t even notice I was holding my dads gift in my right hand. She grabbed my left hand and instinctively said “wow I’ve never seen your skin this pale it’s like porcelain”. She didn’t mean it in a bad way just stating a fact. I looked at her and as my eyes started tearing up she let go. She asked me if I was sad and I said I can’t talk now because I’ll lose it. Thing is once I start I can’t stop. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom. She called her daughter said we need to talk I said okay and went to my bathroom upstairs. As I stared at myself in the mirror now completely alone I realized just how different I have to look to everyone. I looked at my dads gift and really started crying. After a few sobs I somehow managed to stop crying and fix my makeup a bit. I went back down to the party mostly to try to prove I’m okay and avoid being a topic. I know this was the bare minimum thing to do. I know this isn’t who I should be. This weekend coming is a bigger party. Point is I barely survived yesterday. I’m one of the youngest in my family not including the baby cousins. That being said everyone is older and has way more stressors than me. They either have kids, their careers, more bills, and whatever else. These people manage to go to every party, maintain conversation, and overall be apart of the family. I 23 unemployed overweight believe I can’t get it together. I can’t be apart of anything. I went through college and from the moment that last semester ended didn’t know what the fuck to do next. Before my attempt yesterday morning I spent an hour on a suicide hotline. I never admitted to the woman on the phone how close I was to the edge. This is what I wrote down after the call “I told her almost everything. The isolation, how I let myself go, and how I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I couldn’t actually say what my plan was. The lady was really nice. We agreed I should face everyone and get professionally evaluated. I didn’t really mean it. I’m going to die before I face anyone and I couldn’t tell her I can’t tell anyone. She was a really nice lady. I wonder if she’s a mom. It’s Mother’s Day. Mommy I can’t do it. You were always there for me. Always answered me. I can’t answer you anymore. I wish I could’ve talked to you. I wish I would’ve just talked. For what it’s worth I do love you. “. My mother called me around 9AM Mother’s Day morning. Said she needs help getting gifts ready and I told her I felt bad. She said how everyone is worried and I have no reason to be this far gone/sad. I somehow got the conversation to end. She ended saying I was going to be okay that we’re going to get me a therapist just have to get through mothers day and next weeks party. I said I love you and immediately tied the belt around my neck. I was seeing black, choking, ears ringing, and arms shuffling. Something came over me and I got myself out of it. I didn’t even cry. I went to my bathroom showered, got dressed, and you know the rest. Now I’m here 4 o’clock the next day writing. I have spent the whole day in bed. I think subconsciously I’ve let myself go into this isolation to weaken my body. For it to be easier for me to die and severed connections for it to be easier for those around me. I don’t know what I want from writing this down. I know my throat feels sore and I think I want to know why this is happening. I want to somehow try to put a reasoning behind everything. Somehow find a way to maybe really talk to one of the people that care without breaking down and shooting blanks with my mouth. I’ve tried even though it looks to those around me I haven’t. Thanks for reading.. comments are sincerely appreciated.

Beginnings. Illustrious. Vivacious. Monstrous. Scintillating. Star-Studded. Nautical. Creeping. Vainglorious. Luminous. Villainous. Venerable. Exuberant. Esteemed. Legendary…. Epic. Wonderful, Briliant, Victorious, Foundational, Iconic!!! Champions. Sixteen of them. One prize. One Ultimate Champion. Who will beat all other winners and become the ultimate winner themselves? As we get ready to close the curtain one last time on Bunny’s Big Brother, let’s find out who is the Shining Star of our champion cast in Bunny’s Pokémon Big Brother CHAMPION ROYALE!
Season Finale: CHAMPION ROYALE!!!
Meet the Cast:
Season 1 – Lance the Escavalier
Season 2 – Carlos the Pangoro
Season 3 – Nickels the Nickit
Season 4 – Xio the Meowscarada
Season 5 – Selene the Lampent
Season 6 – Candy the Wigglytuff
Season 7 – Splaatz the Stunfisk
Season 8 – Dirk the Kricketune
Season 9 – Echo the Arctibax
Season 10 – Mobee the Bewear
Season 11 – Professor Bane the Crobat
Season 12 – Lisette the Solrock
Season 13 – Maeva the Chimeco
Season 14 – Dayley-Jane the Dewgong
Season 15 – DJ Volt Switch the Emolga
Season 16 – Benedict the Chespin
Intro: We are reporting live at the site of Bunny’s Pokémon Big Brother Finale House! The crowd is thick and loud as fans from all over are excited to watch the sixteen champions enter the house LIVE! We stand in Poketopia, home of the Battle Revolution! The Shining Neon Colloseum, in a penthouse suite in the grand city is where the final bout will begin! Here come the Legendary Sixteen right now!!!! Lance the original winner is so stunning in his armor! Carlos has evolved and looks much tougher. Nickels is strutting in conifdent as ever next to Xio, who looks completely unphased by all of the winners around her! Selene fits right in with the bright lights. Looks like Candy is evolved as well and—OH—she tripped over Splaatz. That’s embarrassing and you can tell she isn’t happy even if she’s putting on a smile. Dirk and Echo are next, both eyeing up the competition already. Echo being evolved now already ups his threat level. Mobee gets an uproarious cheer from the crowd! And WOW the Professor gracefully glides over the crowd! He really did escape capture back in Mazda’s Season. Lisette seems to be meditating and Maeva is pumping herself up. She looks a bit snooty now that we know how she really is but we are eager to see how she plays. Dayley-Jane gets another huge cheer from the crowd. She really is a lovable gal ain’t she? DJ clicks a track on the DJ booth to keep one last song playing but then hops out to join the entourage. She’s still keeping up her day job too, so inspiring! Finally, Benedict walks up. Unlike the others, he looks somber. Wonder what his deal is? Oh well, let’s watch them all compete in the bright stadium for the first HOH!
First HOH: In this bright lights HOH, the houseguests all race to complete a task, with the first to complete it knocking someone out of the running. In the first heat, Maeva clears first and knocks out Bane because he came in second and is a huge comp threat. In the next round, Echo wins and takes out Maeva, who just won. Splaatz wins round three by accident and takes out Day, who was big on his original season. Candy wins next and takes out Nickels. Xio takes out DJ, followed by Benedict winning and immediately knocking Xio out. Candy wins again and takes out Dirk. Echo then wins again to take out Candy before she gets too much momentum. Carlos wins and takes out Lance, Mobee then wins and takes out Carlos, Benedict then wins and takes out Mobee! Splaatz wins again and takes out Selene as she is hiding in the background. Lisette wins the next round to take out Benedict. In the final three, Echo wins again and takes out Lisette, as she did a good job hiding til then. In Splaatz versus Echo, the fish surprisingly keeps up with the dragon and at the last second, takes over?!?!?! Splaatz is the first HOH!
Week 1: Splaatz is very confused how he won that last round but Echo comes up and congratulates him. The two get along well and Splaatz works up the courage to ask to be in an alliance, which the dragon happily agrees. Bane goes to Candy to tell her that the villains need to stick together, she agrees and they grab Maeva. She is initially reluctant, not trusting Bane, but she agrees eventually. Mobee goes to monitor the living room like before and DJ flies up to him. They end up chatting and realize they enjoy each other. At the nomination ceremony, Splaatz has decided to put up DJ and Dirk, saying how he doesn’t want to make too much waves and this seems to be the way to do it best. Dirk is unamused and DJ is frightened. Echo gets suspicious of Bane and shares his thoughts with Nickels, they pull in Carlos to form an anti-villain alliance. Benedict eavesdrops and plans his next move. He goes up to Nickels and makes up how Dirk must be playing the villain this time, because he is acting weird. Nickels considers his approach but ultimately decides to trust him as an alliance member. At the veto, Carlos, Echo, and Mobee all play but it comes down to Carlos and Splaatz. Splaatz ends up winning again but while actually trying and is exuberant! DJ pleads with him but he ultimately keeps his noms the same.
After the veto ceremony, Benedict tells DJ to do as he says and trust him, as Gigi did. She agrees and starts buttering up to the villains. She gets Candy to be even nicer to the house and apologize to Splaatz. She also helps Bane create a new game. Meanwhile, Benedict starts prodding Dirk and Day, causing them to be at odds with each other. Dirk eventually snaps and lashes out at Day, shocking everyone. Maeva can tell something fishy is happening but rolls with it since it is week one. At the eviction ceremony in the glittering colosseum, the two nominees tell why they should stay. Dirk is more bitter while DJ stays heartfelt, convincing everyone but a suspicious Maeva. In the end, by a vote of 12 to 1… Dirk, you have been evicted.
Week 2: The next HOH is a high flying roulette-themed obstacle course, based off of the Neon Colosseum’s roulette rules. DJ and Mobee work together to get to the end but Nickels keeps up with them. In the final stretch, Mobee sees Nickels catching up and throws DJ, giving her just enough of an edge to win the HOH! Nickels and Maeva both approach DJ to tell her their suspicions on Benedict’s behavior. At first, they fight, but realizing they have the same goal causes them to cut it out long enough to tell her. DJ is reluctant but Maeva reminds her how he betrayed Gigi and she is firm. Benedict and Carlos become the nominees. Day, Echo, and Maeva play in the veto and Echo actually manages to come out on top over Day. Echo talks with Nickels about saving Carlos but she is hesitant, telling him that Carlos makes a good pawn next to benedict because everyone likes Carlos. He ends up not using it. During the week, Benedict begins making breakfast early, irritating his roommate Carlos and causing him to be grumpier. Xio confronts Benedict for this, telling him he is purposefully making Carlos mad and it’s brutal. He tells her he doesn’t understand the problem if Carlos doesn’t like breakfast. She sneers but doesn’t have a comeback. The next day, Benedict holds a house meeting. He apologizes if he’s been rubbing people the wrong way but he is just trying to fit in since he is newer. Lisette says that everyone should give him a chance, which the villains, Selene, and Mobee agree with. Echo, Carlos, Nickels, and Maeva are all hesitant. At the eviction ceremony, Carlos is grumpy and bitter and doesn’t do much to defend himself. Benedict, again apologizes. In a 9 to 3 vote… Carlos is evicted.
Week 3: Several house membets are completely shocked by Carlos going home, including HOH DJ and his two allies, Nickels and Echo. Also surprised is Xio. The next HOH is an endurance comp called the floor is lava based off of the Lava Colosseum! Mobee, Splaatz, and Xio are the last three remaining. Knowing she was on the outs of the last vote, Xio fights hard to survive, fighting her pain. Splaatz eventually drops and Mobee remains with Xio. Eventually, Mobee drops and Xio wins! Xio already knows her noms. She puts up Benedict next to Selene, as she was one of the people vouching for him last round. Benedict chooses to stay back and not make too much of a scene this round, lest he blow up his cover. Meanwhile, DJ and Mobee plan how to move forward. Maeva is listening in to this convo and realizes how close they are. At the veto, a mental comp, Selene ends up winning by a landslide, saving herself. Maeva rushes to Xio about the DJ and Mobee situation, and points out how Mobee is a comp threat as well. Xio decides Mobee is a good replacement, as he is likeable and a good pawn next to Benedict. Mobee holds a house meeting and cries during it, thinking he was doing so much better at being friendly this time. Maeva calls him out for his crocodile tears and argues that he is putting on an act. Lisette calls out Maeva for being so harsh and chastises her for being such a villain. Maeva asks her if she is planning on voting for him to stay and she is silent, but says that shouldn’t matter. Maeva retorts and says it’s not jury so jury management doesn’t exist yet. At the eviction, Mobee is shaking next to a smug Benedict. Benedict’s speech touches on how Mobee doesn’t seem ready for the big leagues. The bear gets up angrily and almost picks up Benedict, shocking everyone. He stops himself and realizes what he did. The vote comes in and by a vote of 8 to 3, Mobee, you have been evicted.
Week 4: The next HOH begins as they houseguests must ascend a glimmering rock wall, themed after the Crystal colosseum. Day and Maeva take an early lead but are caught up by falling rocks. Lisette closes the gap and eventually surpasses Maeva. Day and Lisette race for the end and… Lisette win! Lisette in her HOH room ponders about who to put up and ally with. She turns to Xio, Day, and Selene as her allies. The Witch’s Coven, as they call themselves, wants to shift the focus, as Benedict is doing too well at not going home. Instead, Lisette targets Maeva, who is playing sneaky, as well as Benedict’s ally, Echo. Bane laughs at Maeva being on the block and she is enraged with him. He says “it doesn’t matter since it’s not jury yet.” Having her own words turned on her, Maeva storms out and swears she will get revenge on him and Candy. At the POV, the witches’ coven is playing with three members and Xio ends up winning! She chooses to keep the nominations the same. Splaatz goes to Lance to tell him how much it means to be there with one of his heros, but Lance mishears him and calls him out for calling him a rude name. The two get in a petty argument where Lance’s bad hearing keeps making things worse. Meanwhile, Maeva tries to get the vote off of her by spreading anti-Benedict propaganda around the house. Day has a change of heart about this and wants to vote out Echo, even while her alliance is targeting Maeva. Benedict, aware his name is still out there, pleads to DJ not to vote out his ally. At the eviction, Maeva thinks she has done enough work but the vote comes out and is a 5 to 5. The Coven is shocked, one of their own must have flipped. But Lisette gets to break the tie, and is all too happy to evict her target, Maeva.
Week 5: The next HOH is themed after the Sunset colosseum, and sees the houseguests racing to stack piles of rubble. Echo, DJ, and Xio make the highest stack but DJ’s crumbles before the time limit. Both wanting to take control, Echo and Xio try really hard to build the highest. The timer buzzes aaaand Echo is the winner! Benedict instinctively high fives Echo and celebrates with him. Later, Nickels is peeved that Echo is so publicly working with Benedict. Echo tells her she had the opportunity to have a good ally but she chose to burn that bridge and that’s her fault. Offended, she tells him to make that alliance with Benedict work out but she won’t be part of it. Echo is saddened, but doesn’t want to put Nickels up. Instead, he shifts the target to former villains, with Bane being the target and Selene going up next to him. Xio cheers that Selene could be going home, making the Lamp angry at her, since they were supposed to be working together. Benedict goes on to win the veto and vows to Echo not to use it. However, at the veto ceremony, he uses it to save Selene, shocking everyone as he winks at Xio. Echo then solidifies this by putting Xio up. Selene goes to her to tell her she is sorry for their misunderstanding but they work together. Candy turns to Lisette and tells her she is tired of working with Bane and if she helps her get the Professor out this week, she will work with her. Lisette agrees, knowing everyone wants Bane out anyways. At the eviction, Xio seemingly patches things up with everyone. The vote comes in, by a unanimous vote… Bane, you are evicted.
Double Eviction: Surprise! The Jury starts tonight and the next HOH is beginning right now with one more person leaving! A quiz colosseum is held in the Sunset colloseum, with one miss causing someone to be out of the running. It comes down to DJ, Nickels, and Lisette. But Lisette gets the last question right and the other two miss, with Lisette winning her second HOH. Lisette puts up Nickels and Day. Nickels because she is playing a lowkey game but making waves in the Benedict situation. Day because she wavered on her vote for Benedict. She doesn’t put down Benedict as he is good for drama and polarizing the house, which is good for her game. Nickels wins the veto and takes herself off. Lisette decides to put up Splaatz, because she is worried he will fumble his way to the end. Most people seem to share this idea except for Echo, who wants to wotk with Splaatz. The vote comes in. By a vote of 7 to 1… Splaatz, you have been evicted and will be moving into the jury house.
Week 6: The Next HOH begins as a race through the mysterious mansion in the courtyard colosseum. No one can tell where anyone is but Candy comes out first and wins! As HOH, Candy calls in Benedict. She tells him he has been playing a sloppy and obvious villain game and he is gonna get evicted too soon if he doesn’t simmer down and get some real allies. He is shocked and admits he just wants to win. She says they all do and the least they can do is help each other. She says she will help him if he keeps causing more chaos and also gets DJ on their side. He agrees and talks to DJ. The squirrel is hesitant but decides it would be a great way of getting revenge on Benedict if she gets the chance. Candy puts up Lance as the pawn next to her target, Xio, who has been against Benedict’s chaos this whole game. DJ goes on to win the veto and chooses to not give Candy any suspicion by not using it. Meanwhile, the witches coven fractures, with Day not agreeing with Lisette and Xio feeling not supported on the block by Selene. DJ infiltrates this meeting after storms out, telling them about Xio being the real target but she has a plan to keep her without drawing suspicion if they can get Day to play nice. Xio borrows an item from Lisette and breaks it. Lisette then goes to “rant” to Day, who is being nice with her, thinking they both will vote Xio. Echo, meanwhile, confirms his alliance with Benedict, and feels like he is finally gaining more traction. But the house takes this the wrong way. At the eviction, the vote comes in, and by a vote of 4 to 3… Lance, you have been evicted.
Week 7: The next HOH begins, a waterfall diving competition, based off of the Waterfall Colosseum. Whoever makes the biggest splash wins! With her natural watery prowess, Day dives in and wins the HOH! Day is approached in the HOH by Candy and Benedict, who ask her to work with them. DJ sees whats happening and goes back to Lisette and Selene. The two talk and realize that they can’t beat Benedict’s control of the house by just going against him, but they have to work with him. So the three of DJ, Lisette, and Selene enter the HOH “accidentally” and propose the six will control the house. They say they want Echo to go on the block, as he is getting too good at the comps. Benedict is hesitant but Candy nudges him, as secretly this will be great for her game. He agrees and tells Day he won’t be mad if this happens. Echo goes up next to Nickels. The two former allies face off in the veto, both bitterly making jabs at the other for turning on them. It comes down to just the two nominees and… Echo edges her out, winning the veto. Echo saves himself and puts the power in Day’s hands to put up a replacement. Her choice is the person not in her alliance who has made affronts to her, Xio. Lisette has the whole house do tarot readings to ease the tension which goes down well. Lisette gets the Sun, a symbol of positivity and creativity. Benedict draws the Moon, symbolizing Illusion and inner conflict. He shudders when the white moon of the card turns red in his hands. Echo draws the Fool, a card of new beginnings but also endings. Selene draws death, the card of change in the game. Nickels draws the Hermit, a card of isolation and reflection. Candy draws the Lovers, with the card representing connections and pairs, symbolizing her manipulation of Benedict. Day draws Strength, a card of inner strength and Willpower. Xio draws the Tower, representing sudden downfall and incredible sudden changes. She shudders and uses the moment to apologize to everyone, saying she wants to be a beacon of hope but got lost. The house receives this well. Benedict considers flipping to Xio because of her show of faith being bad but Candy reminds him that Xio is on the bottom of the pecking order on that side, likely meaning they don’t even have to take her out. He relents and the eviction goes through. The vote comes in and by a vote of 5 to 1, Nickels you have been evicted.
Week 8: The Next HOH begins in the Sunny Park colosseum, with contestants having to hunt for pellets and use them to knock out targets. DJ and Echo prove the most adept but in a last second victory, Echo wins. Benedict goes to Echo in the HOH but Echo has realized too late that Benedict is working with everybody, even causing him to turn on Nickels. Benedict doesn’t try to hide his smug smirk as he agrees and walks out, daring him to put him on the block. He feels this must be hiding something and starts asking around the house for their opinions. Xio reveals the existence of the Witches Coven, and how they have been together for weeks, including saving her last week. Knowing of this alliance, Echo saves Xio and puts up Selene and Day. At the veto, Selene wins. Selene approaches Echo, telling him she knows of someone playing both sides, revealing DJ trying to play double agent. After she pulls herself off the block, DJ goes up as the replacement. Candy works on ingratiating herself with the outsiders in Xio and Echo, trying to forge paths ahead. But is unsuccessful at breaking Echo. Echo is accosted by DJ for putting her up over Benedict. He asks her to say why she was double crossing and she says its because she was trying to sabotage Benedict. If anything, Day, Selene, and Lisette should be the real double agents. Echo goes to rage to Selene for how she tricked him but she swears it was the truth completely, and he chose to believe it in a negative light, not her. Day joins the fight and lashes out at Xio and Selene for being the reason she is on the block. Lisette stays out of it, knowing the time to jump ship is coming up. At the eviction, Dj and DayJay give their pleas, but the votes are tallied. By a unanimous vote… Dayley-Jane, you have been evicted.
Double Eviction!!: Second double eviction because you know we gotta! The HOH starts with a lightning round of dodgeball on wooden poles. Selene is knocked out first. Then DJ gets knocked out by Candy. Lisette falls off on her own. Xio goes after Benedict but is taken out by Candy. Then Candy expertly dodges and takes out Benedict, winning the HOH. She nominates the two people who are on the bottom of the pecking order, Echo and Xio. The veto plays out with Benedict winning. Echo pleads for Benedict to help him out, as they were friends. Benedict doesn’t even look him in the eye as he chooses to not play the veto. Echo pleads to the voters to let him keep playing and he will take out Benedict, but Lisette and Selene have basically already jumped ship and moved on. The vote comes in, and by a vote of 4 to 0… Echo, you have been evicted.
Week 9: With Six houseguests remaining, they are taken to the Gateway colosseum to have mock Pokemon battles. In the first round, Xio beats Lisette and Selene beats DJ, with Benedict drawing a spot in the top 3. In a first to win two times in a row scenario, Selene beats both and comes out victorious. Selene and Lisette decide that they have to cut ties and work with the more devious players to have a better shot at the end. Selene puts up DJ and Xio, with DJ being the target. Benedict is alone in his room when he hallucinates more blood on his paws. He shouts and Xio comes in to see whats up. She helps him calm down and he realizes he is down a bad path. She helps him calm down and he thanks her, even with him harassing her all game she still helped him. Candy witnesses the two help each other out and is beyond irritated, she goes to Selene, who is still iffy on Xio, to warn her. At the veto, Candy wins it. She takes off DJ and Selene spitefully puts up Benedict, who trembles going to the block. Lisette confronts Selene for making such a rushed decision, as the goal was to keep Benedict and his threat around longer. At the eviction, Benedict argues that he has realizes how the game has changed him and he wants to prove how he changed. Lisette doesn’t believe him but DJ seems to be enamored. The vote comes in, and by a vote of 2 to 1… Xio you have been evicted.
Week 10: Five stars remain and there are five points in the Stars of the Main Street colosseum, where the houseguests go to do a full BPBB quiz! Lisette misses one question and gets behind as the other get ahead. It comes down to a tie-breaker between Dj and Benedict and the winner is… DJ! Benedict goes to apologize to DJ for real and she forgives him, happy to see his true self back again. She feels played by Selene and Candy so they go on the block. Lisette is still suspicious of Benedict and starts watching him for suspicious activity, noticing him look at his paws a lot. She decides to talk to him with the ruse of working together. At the veto, DJ wins again and claims her game, choosing not to use the veto. Realizing the danger they are in, Selene and Candy go to their respective closest allies, Benedict and Lisette. The two touch base with Benedict telling Lisette he is fine voting Candy with her, as he doesn’t want to force DJ to have to break a tie. At the eviction, the votes are read and by a vote of 2 to 0… Selene, you have been evicted. Benedict looks over at Lisette with a shocked look, realizing she caught on to him.
Week 10: As the final HOH starts, the houseguest are in the Stargazer colosseum for an epic triathlon of quizzes, endurance, and races. In the first part, Benedict pulls ahead, with Lisette on his tail. He falls behind in part two, giving Lisette and Candy a chance to catch him. The three are neck and neck in part three but Lisette comes out on top! Benedict goes to Lisette on her HOH to grovel but she stops him, saying she misheard the vote last week and though the vote was for Selene anyways so its good he didn’t make poor DJ break the tie. He feels reassured and goes back out. Lisette puts up DJ and Candy as the nominees. Lisette reassures DJ about how Benedict likes her and she wouldn’t go home. Benedict touches base with Lisette, claiming that he knows DJ has too much social traction and needs to go next because of this. On his way out, Candy enters the room and chats with Lisette. She says that the noms should stay the same so DJ can be evicted for sure this week. Lisette doesn’t trust her and tells her to her face she is no better than Benedict, but is powerless without him. The two stare each other down. At the veto, Lisette wins it, and Benedict sighs a sigh of relief. But Lisette shocks everyone by saving Candy and puts up Benedict. Lisette calls him out for faking his turnaround to play with everyone’s emotions. He breaks down, claiming his intense want, no, NEED to win the game. He can’t get it out of his head and it burdens him with the thoughts of betrayal, including the allies he betrayed this season, with Nickels, Echo, and even Xio who showed him so much kindness leaving because of him. DJ is in tears and even Candy can’t watch. Afterwards, Benedict goes to his only real ally, Candy. He begs her for advice on how to get out of this, as she helped him so much. She looks him in the eye as she tells him that he did this to himself. At the eviction, Candy gets the sole vote to evict and casts it to evict, Benedict.
The Reunion: Folks we are live again right outside the Neon Colosseum for the Finale of Bunny’s Pokémon Big Brother Champion Royale! Our Sixteen winners have been whittled down to three and it is not what we expected at all! In a house where everyone wants to be the biggest truck on the highway, we have three mid-sized sedans who have slipped through the gaps and swept their way to the end. DJ VOLT SWITCH, Elesa’s iconic Emolga who created the jams we are listening to even right now! She plays up her social game very well with honesty and loyalty, but is no slouch in the competitions. Though she has been left out of some secrets in the game, she was well=liked in the house and leveraged her position between alliances to get information! Sweet Candy the Wigglytuff who played Sickly Sweet last but downright Sick this time. She got in close with all of the villains but managed to be the cherry flavored licorice that was easier to manage. She avoided detection aligning with big villain Benedict and hiding behind the scenes of his chaos, even almost controlling his moves at points. The Sunstone herself, LISETTE the Solrock, who foresaw victory once, but is this a double reading? Lisette bided her time throughout the game, getting whatever information she could and waiting to play it until the time was right. She was at the center of multiple alliances but always stayed just far enough away from the drama that no one was even targeting her. The Sun? No Lisette is after The World!
Joining us on stage now are the 9 jurors! Starting with Splaatz—Ope watch your step, you gotta be careful or else you’ll trip. Here comes Lance the OG! Though he is old he is still our knight in shining armor. Nickels struts up so casually ooh lala. Here comes Echo, kind of sheepishly, don’t be shy buddy! Day gracefully swims up on stage, still to audience cheering. Wait, the cheering is getting louder? Oh it’s Xio! She is surprisingly well-received. Selene keeps the applause growing. She seems to be goading the audience on with her behavior, not wanting to stay out of the spotlight hmm. And then—oh wow I can’t hear anything with the thunder of the crowd for… Benedict? Interesting outcome here that our little villain has become a real crowd pleaser. Even as he walks to his seat with his head held low.
The jurors speak with our lovely reporter. Lance speaks about how great it was to come back and how this game is way changed from when he won season 1. Xio and Nickels agree, but they still worked hard to adapt to the changes. Selene scoffs a bit, another early winner, she notes that herself and Candy were very well integrated, they just needed to change their approach. Xio says it was much harder playing from the bottom rather than the top and it was a fight, but she had a ton of fun doing so. Day mentions she felt the same way. A house full of winners is not to be underestimated for a second, as they all could be planning many different things behind each other’s backs. Splaatz is—oh he’s asleep… moving on. Nickels asks Echo about how he changed his game this time, and why he turned on her. He apologizes, saying he was blinded by seeing opportunities with Benedict because he didn’t fight with him, only told him what he wanted to hear. And he realized too late that that was a ruse. She accepts his apologies and all eyes turn to Benedict. He looks up, seemingly just noticing eyes are on him. He looks down at his paws. “All I’ve seen since last season is blood on my paws. The need to win never left me. I had to do it at all cost. I lost myself in that game and resorted to every trick in the book to make the winners trust me. And it worked… but I fell deeper and deeper down the hole. And now, I don’t feel like I deserved to win at all.” Xio jumps up and makes him look up. “You deserved your win as much as we all deserved ours. It’s a game, it doesn’t have to define you. You define you, so get up and prove it.” Benedict is in disbelief that Xio is still defending him. “You hear that crowd? They were entertained, we entertained them! Your devioushness entertained them! You gave them a show by tricking a bunch of winners, so own up to it and be the entertainer we know you are.” He gives off a small, barely noticeable,but definitely real this time, smile. Xio turns to the crowd “ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR FINAL THREE???” The crowd erupts in excitement!! “THEN GET READY BECAUSE HERE THEY ARE!!”
Final HOH Part 1: The HOH opens on top of the rotating Roulette wheel in the Neon Colosseum, with the audience now filled and the three houseguests circling in the middle, holding on for dear life. At the same time, they are throwing dodgeballs at each other. Candy is targeting Lisette out of spite, putting on a performance for the audience about how Lisette is a traitor to their alliance. DJ is caught in the crossfire but expertly dodges. She manages to catch a ball that Candy threw and chucks it back, knocking her out. Lisette smiles at DJ but DJ knows she still has to win. She tells Lisette she is sorry but she is done working with people and has to take her game into her own hands, not relying on others to fail but herself to succeed. Lisette agrees, but she wants to be the one to succeed. Lisette lobs a ball at Dj and knocks her out, winning Part 1.
Final HOH Part 2: Part begins with Candy and DJ on the Rotating Roulette platform again, racing around to land the colored balls in order of the competitions and the winners of each one. DJ takes an early lead, having been very aware of the game the whole beginning. Candy struggles at first but when she catches up to leaving the villains alliance and joining Benedict, she takes off, knowing how well she played Benedict as her own puppet that she controlled votes for that she easily crushes the midgame part. Her lead takes her ahead on time going into the endgame. DJ misses a key vote and has to go back, but Candy remembers who saved Benedict countless times, and gets it right, winning part 2.
Final HOH Part 3: The crowd is in uproars as Candy and Lisette reach the stage for final quiz, again on our roulette platform (we paid a lot of money for that). Each juror question goes by, with Lisette and Candy answering in tandem, Both get question after question correct, eventually reaching the last question about Benedict. The crowd is shocked as they both answer together again and… get it wrong. Well, that’s anticlimactic. Benedict sighs, no one knew his true self. But the tie-breaker is revealed, how many rotations has the rotating platform made? With both answering two numbers away from each other, Candy goes just over, eliminating her, and crowning Lisette the final HOH. Lisette has both DJ and Candy in front of her. She doesn’t say much but looks at them. She says that DJ played an impeccable social game and is incredibly loved by the fans and the house. Candy, meanwhile, played a strategic game and almost fooled her a couple times. She turns to Candy “I made a gamble with bringing a social threat to the end before with Amni, but not this time. Candy, let’s give em a show.” And casts her vote to evict DJ.
The Jury Questioning: DJ isn’t shocked, she did a lot this time around and knew she made herself a bigger threat. She exits the house and gets cheers from the audience! She hops to the DJ booth and begins playing the final epic track for the showdown between Candy and Lisette. Both have been in this position before in the final 2 and both have won, but now, only one can become a two-time winner and be crowned the ultimate Champion! Lisette opens with her speech first. She pitches her game strong, how she gravitated towards groups in the early game without committing too strongly, so she didn’t go down with the ship. She still managed to control so many votes in the house by having reach with her Witches Coven and eventually jumping ship and siding with Benedict, as she knew he was under Candy’s thumb and she could infiltrate that alliance to get to the end and destroy it. The jury is impressed by her showing and all eyes turn to Candy. Candy starts saying how she knew her game was already known going into the house and she had to play different. Her main strategy was to fall into the background and connect with the players playing sloppier than her so she could be the puppetmaster and sneak to the end. And for her, that was found in Benedict, who she found it very easy to manipulate. She is the villain they all knew she was but she wasn’t targeted because of her great strategy. She saved Benedict’s game and carried him to the end so that she could have a guaranteed extra life in the endgame with him. Murmurs arise from the jury, Benedict looks incredibly hurt. Xio asks Candy what her biggest move was outside of controlling Benedict. Candy says that she made sure that the villains she worked with got cut before she could get too powerful, even working with Lisette to get out Bane and Maeva. DJ gets up from the booth and asks Lisette why she went to the end with Candy instead of her if she thought Candy was going to be tougher. Lisette clarifies that she thought Candy would be good at explaining her game, but she knows not to rely on other’s failing but on herself to succeed, and DJ has a great story and was well-loved and if she wanted to win, she had to cut DJ and masterfully explain her game to the jury. Benedict finally speaks up to ask Candy if he meant anything to her at all throughout the game. She hesitates, caught off guard, before replying in all honesty that, she wanted to mentor him to be a better player. He says he did well enough for making it to the end twice and didn’t need her to do all that. In their final speeches, Candy says that she used other people as her pawns and navigated a really good game to make it to the end hidden amongst the other players. Lisette says that she played a perfect game, not even touching the block and noting that she has not received a vote against her in either of her games, this one being perfect. She finishes by saying how she played more up front and aggressive to counter the sneakier players of the season and did not back down from the threats that all the winners possessed. The jury is impressed and goes to cast their votes.
Jury Voting: Splaatz says he had a fun time playing again and wants to vote for someone who played really good, even showing him more how to play. Lance says that while some people are old school, some people are REALLY old school, but can still play with the best of the best and be even better. Nickels says she is honored to be in the winners season but one winner played like how she thinks a winner should. Day says she worked with both finalists, but she always felt the house pulling towards one player, as the sun has a lot of gravity and control over the tides. Echo says point blank that he felt the manipulation from both sides, but one felt malicious, and another felt like game, and he knows which he respects more. Xio says that some lines shouldn’t be crossed. Selene says that she was honored to be so thoroughly outplayed, turning from the Queen to the Pawn who was merely a stepping stone in someone elses game, it was thrilling. Benedict silently casts his vote. DJ cues the final tune before hopping down with her vote, saying that it should be obvious. The votes come in… by a vote of 9 to 0… the winner is…
Winner: Lisette!
Runner-Up: Candy!
Confetti cannons and flamethrowers start lighting up the sky with neon streams shining bright all over the sky! Though it is the dead of night, it is as bright as the sun, and Lisette is feeling absolutely radiant. Candy sits in shock, in disbelief. Lisette throws her the Lovers card again. “You misread it the first time so maybe you can learn before you try to tell the fortune teller what her fortune is.” Candy throws the card on the ground in anger and pouts. The jurors go and cheer for Lisette, the ultimate champion and two time winner, STILL having never received a single vote to evict in two entire seasons. The fan favorite vote comes in and… IT’S A TIE???
Fan Favorites: Benedict and Xio!!!
Benedict goes up to Candy, still fuming, and looks her in the eyes. “You know what, you really did teach me something. You taught me that some people never change, but I don’t have to be one of them.” Xio comes up and takes Benedict back to the celebration, sticking her tongue out at Candy as she leaves. The party goes through the night. The sun eventually rises, as Lisette has risen to the top of the competition, as this era of Bunny’s Pokemon Big Brother has come to an end.
My Thoughts: I enjoyed this season a lot. It kept me on the edge as the winners played their games again, some way better than others. Gameplay-wise, I think I preferred last season but I think it’s more so because of the subtle moves made in the dark as no one wanted to be too big of a target. The villains ended up flopping early, which kind of was to be expected, given that everyone else is a relaly smart player to have won. Candy surprised me this time, sneaking in to take over Benedict, being a key player in his storyline, even a bigger villain than he tried to be. It really helped me tie up the storyline really well and I like how it happened. She also played a stellar game again, controlling things from the chaos in the shadows. The other side of the house was not slouching though. Lisette, Selene, Xio, and Day all played smart games, not committing too much to each other but still working well enough to not crumble. Lisette as a winner for this season is great! She put in work to keep her position, as it was in danger of falling apart so much. She leveraged every ally she had and every competition she had to get forward every week. And it worked as she got to the end without hitting the block AGAIN and played a PERFECT game, not receiving a single vote to evict and getting every vote to win. She did that in a winner season too, ultimate winner for sure!
So whats next? Well... that's the end. I knew since the beginning that Season 17 would be the end but it coming up still feels so weird. I am about to start a busy summer and don't have as much time for all of my hobbies but I still feel sad finishing this series. I think I am going to make a series epilogue soon so stay tuned for that but... otherwise that's it. I thank you all again so much for sticking with me the whole time, it's been a wonderful journey!

PRODUCER: Do you have the suicide note?
HEIDI CLIFFORD (As “Anonymous Classmate”): (Reading purported “suicide note” aloud): This is a copy of the suicide note.
“I attended a course called Executive Success Programs, aka Nexium (sic), based out of Anchorage, Alaska and Albany, New York. I was brainwashed and my emotional center of the brain was killed and turned off. I still have feeling in my external skin, but my internal organs are rotting. I’m sorry, life. I didn’t know I was already dead.”
“No need to search my body.”
Was this potential suicide letter in Kris’s car coerced?
Was it her willingly writing it?
You don’t know.
As we have discussed in previous posts, nothing about the Kristin Snyder missing person case makes any sense whatsoever, and the purported “suicide note” found in her vehicle is certainly no exception.
Before we start analyzing the “suicide note,” here are a few factors to keep in mind:
• We know through information from multiple sources that Kristin was a prolific journal writer and letter writer, so we have a plethora of writing samples to compare with this alleged “suicide note.”
• We refer to “the writer” in our discussion of the “suicide note” below. The reason for this phrasing is because the actual writer of this note is unknown. Did Kristin herself write it, either as a explanation for killing herself, or for the purpose of faking her own death? Did someone else write it to make her disappearance appear to be a suicide? Was part of the text written by Kristin and added to by another party? Was the entire note faked? Was the note written by Kristin, but under duress/coercion as Heidi pondered?
• See notes under each section below regarding clear discrepancies between Kristin’s baseline writing style based on the hundreds of writing samples we have obtained from multiple sources through varying times throughout her life.
Now, without further ado, let’s take an in-depth look at this “suicide note” – line by line.
“I attended a course called Executive Success Programs (aka Nexium) based out of Anchorage, AK + Albany, NY.”
• Who is the note intended for? There is no salutation. We have tons of samples of Kristin’s letters and there is always a salutation – AND a date. If this is really her “suicide note,” why wouldn’t she address it to her partner Heidi, friends, coworkers, and/or family – as she always had addressed people in her letters? Similarly, wouldn’t she document the date of the most significant letter of her life, as she did routinely with her letters? In fact, she often even included the specific time (for instance, 7:15 p.m.) that the letter or journal entry was written.
• In addition to a salutation and date on other writing samples, Kris also typically indented her paragraphs and she also usually wrote on each line of the paper in her letters and journal entries, unlike this “suicide note,” which does neither.
• Related to the numerous writing samples we have acquired though multiple sources, Kris also primarily wrote in cursive in both her letters and in her journal. This “suicide note” is an odd hybrid of cursive and print.
• Why would anyone start a suicide note with “I attended a course…”? Clearly, the writer of this note is directing the reader to correlate ESP with the disappearance, but it seems like a very odd place for anyone to start a suicide note. Also, Kris attended two courses, not “a course”; a fact that Kris would have clearly known.
• “aka Nexium” is another oddity. Kris did not take any NXIVM classes, not even one, despite the extensive recent propaganda linking her to NXIVM. Why? Because NXIVM did not even exist at the time of Kristin’s disappearance; it was still in the planning stages. The writer had obviously heard about these plans as evidenced by the phonetic spelling. Again, it is obvious the writer of the note is clearly directing the reader’s attention to ESP/NXIVM – but if Kris were distraught enough to write a suicide note (and as functionally incapacitated as reported by her partner), why/how would she focus on minutiae like this?
• Speaking of minutiae, it gets even more obvious in the next words: “based out of Anchorage, AK + Albany, NY.” First of all, WHO CARES where ESP was based? That is in no way pertinent to the reasoning, and apparently is another clear attempt by the writer to direct the reader toward ESP/NXIVM. Secondly, this information is actually wrong. ESP wasn’t “based out of Anchorage, AK” – they held classes in Anchorage in a rented hotel space. The home base was in NY. Furthermore, Kris knew very well that this information was wrong, having recently visited their NY headquarters herself weeks before her disappearance!
•The words “based out of” (city, state) are odd as well. None of Kristin’s other writing samples did this. Nowhere does she mention elsewhere that anything is “based out of” anywhere in any of her copious writing samples we have obtained.
• Furthermore, why would the note say “Anchorage, AK” anyway? Presumably, Alaska law enforcement would be able to deduce that Anchorage is in Alaska without this unnecessary clarification.
“I was brainwashed + my emotional center of the brain was killed/turned off. I still have feeling in my external skin but my internal organs are rotting.”
• If Kris was brainwashed, she wouldn’t know (at least at the time) that she had been brainwashed. Again, this seems to be yet another clear attempt by the writer to direct the reader to look at ESP.
• Furthermore, if Kris finally did realize that she had been brainwashed, why would she then kill herself?
• The writer switches “my” and “the” in a sentence – something Kris never did, even once, in the hundreds of pages of writing we have obtained. The sentence should read “the emotional center of my brain,” not “my emotional center of the brain.”
• Another oddity is in the redundancy of “external skin.” Again, this sort of mistake does not appear to be Kris’s style, based on other writing samples. She had a Master of Science (M.S.) in Biology and she worked as an environmental consultant to the National Guard. She was a precise, clear, scientific, and articulate writer.
• This passage clearly implies that Kris was suffering from Cotard’s syndrome; per WebMD: “People with Cotard’s syndrome (also called walking corpse syndrome or Cotard’s delusion) believe that parts of their body are missing, or that they are dying, dead, or don’t exist.” We have talked to multiple people who Kris had visited in her January 2003 trip immediately prior to her February 2003 disappearance, and nobody reported any observations of any mental health issues, suicidal ideation, depression, psychosis, nor delusions of any sort. All of the people who discussed Kris’s reported mental health decline stated that they had not personally witnessed any symptoms, but rather, they were told of a rapid decline following Kris’s disappearance.
• If Kris thought she was already dead, why would she kill herself?
“Please contact my parents Bob + Jonnie Snyder at (number redacted) in Dillon, SC if you find me or this note.”
• Why would she specify to contact her parents, who lived out-of-state? Why not her partner? Why, in fact, is Heidi, the love of her life and civil union partner not mentioned AT ALL in the entire note?
• The inclusion of Kris’s parents as the sole contacts listed in the note contradicts a specific story told at the time of the disappearance alleging that Kris had uncovered memories of abuse during the class and that these purported memories were the reason/a factor in her alleged suicide. But: if that story was true, why would she include her father in the note? It should be noted that there is no evidence whatsoever that Kris was abused. As with the alleged rapid mental health decline, people who reported that story were not told of the purported abuse by Kris themselves, but rather, they were told of the purported abuse allegations after her disappearance. In fact, we even have been given a copy of a text message exchange in which the person who spread this abuse claims refers to it as “the lie.” This is yet another example of the myriad of inconsistencies and contradictions that plague Kris’s case.
• Why mention “Dillon, SC”? There is already a phone number given, so the city/state is irrelevant, and also, it is not her typical style. Again, it seems like someone with a quirky tic to mention a city and state wrote this.
• “if you find me or this note” is similarly nonsensical. If someone found her but NOT the note, they wouldn’t see the note, would they? Again, this oddity of wording is inconsistent with Kris’s typically precise style.
“I am sorry, life, I didn’t know I was already dead. May we persist into the future. KRISTN (sic) SNYDER”
• Again, if she thought she was already dead, why would she need to kill herself?
• Why is she addressing “life”?
• “May we persist into the future” is interesting. “Persist into the future” is a phrase used in ecology, which could potentially mean a couple things: a). Kristin wrote this herself; b). Kristin wrote this phrase elsewhere and someone traced/copied it onto the “suicide note”; or c). the writer had seen a document that referred to this phrase and used it.
• WHO LEAVES A LETTER OUT OF THEIR OWN NAME???? The second “I” is missing in “KRISTN.” Furthermore, as mentioned earlier, Kris predominantly wrote in cursive and she typically signed her name in cursive as well. Why, in the most important document of her life, would she BLOCK PRINT her name, and even more bizarre, why would she leave a letter out of her own name? The writer appears to drop letters and cram letters together, but there is no evidence from other writings that Kris did these things.
“No need to search for my body”
• Why was this written on the BACK of the page on the “suicide note”? And why was the note left inside of a notebook to begin with?
• Kris was a member of the Anchorage Nordic Ski Patrol, and therefore, she was involved in search and rescue. Therefore, she would already know that THEY WOULD SEARCH FOR HER ANYWAY. Also, more importantly, why would she intentionally hide her own body and therefore put her colleagues/friends on the search and rescue team through the extensive trouble and potential dangers of conducting the search for her?
• Why write “my body” on the back of the page but write “me” on the front of the page of the note? That is yet another incongruity.
• Why the emphasis on not looking for a body? The writer clearly has a very specific reason to mention this; there is a reason the writer does not want the body found. It is very rare for a person to want to hide his/her own body, and even more rare to be able to successfully do so.

Hello!
TLDR Just kind of curious on if people would stay with grandma watching the kids or consider transitioning to daycare
I know there have been posts similar to this before but I think everyone likes to have things more specific to their situation LOL
So my mom has been coming to watch our son since he was 5 months old and he's 14 months now . I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom but unfortunately our finances do not allow this to happen.
We had initially planned for LO to go to daycare at 5 months but it was really hard on him. We picked a nicer facility and they had cameras and we could just see him crying on camera and them stepping over him. I know there are so many kids and they can't hold all the babies at once but my husband and I decided that it was best for our LO to be with my mom rather than daycare. This was initially going to be very temporary and then became ok until he's crawling, ok till he's walking and now it's like ok maybe when he starts to talk we will send him.
This was a hard decision as my mom and I used to be very close when I was younger (she was a young single mom, had me at 18) and then as I got older we didn't get along really. About 6 years ago she quit her job saying she was burnt out and has been living off her boyfriend (who doesn't work either and is a trust fund kid but doesn't get his own money, it all comes through his mom) since and they live with his mom. She has no car (she borrows his car everyday to come watch the baby) and no source of income on her own. And it was hard for me (and stressful as I am in no financial position to support her should he dump her) as her daughter to watch her be in this precarious situation dependent upon this guy who she complains about all the time and says she doesn't even like him. The way she paints the picture is not sugar daddy, more like controlling/ she has no money of her own or anything like that. There have been other things but too much to try and go into detail here. As I got older and was able to process things from my childhood I also realized she wasn't really the best mom, more of a friend most of the time and I really lacked structure.
So we went through a few years of not talking really and then when I had my baby we kind of reconciled a little (prior to her watching him) and she started watching him at 5 months which was originally going to be very temporary until we found another daycare and then turned into more long term.
Well I'm now pregnant again with baby 2 due in Aug and have just been having so many feelings about her watching our current son and the next one.
As our son gets older I worry about the impact in his development she has watching him all day. I have a lot of resentment with how lax she was with me as a child and I worry about her giving that to him also. He's so young though I wonder if that is truly something to be concerned with??
She also will push back on parenting choices we make and it's like she does it because she thinks she knows best. So I don't always feel listened to or respected as his parent which really bothers me. We've had several blow out arguments during these last 9 months she's been coming that are just kind of swept under the rug and she continues to come watch him. She says this has given her a new purpose in life to watch him.
It's also really hard for me for her to have all this time with him and I'm at work all day. But I wonder if that is part of why I want him in daycare when that's not really what is best for HIM right now.
There's also the fact that we do not pay her to watch him. Trust fund boyfriend (his mom really) supports her and gives her the car, but she does have to drive 1.5 each way to watch him everyday. So we have saved a lot of money and save money every week she watches him. She wants to move closer but has no way of doing that and trust fund boyfriend doesn't want to leave mom's house. We are in no position to have her move in with us and honestly that's not anything I would want either as I don't think she'd ever leave.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful to all she does for watching him, I just have a lot of childhood/young adult resentment against her as well as resentment against the state of things in the US where there is not more support for families/mothers. Also, regardless of any ill feelings I have with her I know she loves my son and truly cares for him while she watches him.
Thank you!

Hello!
TLDR Just kind of curious on if people would stay with grandma watching the kids or consider transitioning to daycare
I know there have been posts similar to this before but I think everyone likes to have things more specific to their situation LOL
So my mom has been coming to watch our son since he was 5 months old and he's 14 months now . I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom but unfortunately our finances do not allow this to happen.
We had initially planned for LO to go to daycare at 5 months but it was really hard on him. We picked a nicer facility and they had cameras and we could just see him crying on camera and them stepping over him. I know there are so many kids and they can't hold all the babies at once but my husband and I decided that it was best for our LO to be with my mom rather than daycare. This was initially going to be very temporary and then became ok until he's crawling, ok till he's walking and now it's like ok maybe when he starts to talk we will send him.
This was a hard decision as my mom and I used to be very close when I was younger (she was a young single mom, had me at 18) and then as I got older we didn't get along really. About 6 years ago she quit her job saying she was burnt out and has been living off her boyfriend (who doesn't work either and is a trust fund kid but doesn't get his own money, it all comes through his mom) since and they live with his mom. She has no car (she borrows his car everyday to come watch the baby) and no source of income on her own. And it was hard for me (and stressful as I am in no financial position to support her should he dump her) as her daughter to watch her be in this precarious situation dependent upon this guy who she complains about all the time and says she doesn't even like him. The way she paints the picture is not sugar daddy, more like controlling/ she has no money of her own or anything like that. There have been other things but too much to try and go into detail here. As I got older and was able to process things from my childhood I also realized she wasn't really the best mom, more of a friend most of the time and I really lacked structure.
So we went through a few years of not talking really and then when I had my baby we kind of reconciled a little (prior to her watching him) and she started watching him at 5 months which was originally going to be very temporary until we found another daycare and then turned into more long term.
Well I'm now pregnant again with baby 2 due in Aug and have just been having so many feelings about her watching our current son and the next one.
As our son gets older I worry about the impact in his development she has watching him all day. I have a lot of resentment with how lax she was with me as a child and I worry about her giving that to him also. He's so young though I wonder if that is truly something to be concerned with??
She also will push back on parenting choices we make and it's like she does it because she thinks she knows best. So I don't always feel listened to or respected as his parent which really bothers me. We've had several blow out arguments during these last 9 months she's been coming that are just kind of swept under the rug and she continues to come watch him. She says this has given her a new purpose in life to watch him.
It's also really hard for me for her to have all this time with him and I'm at work all day. But I wonder if that is part of why I want him in daycare when that's not really what is best for HIM right now.
There's also the fact that we do not pay her to watch him. Trust fund boyfriend (his mom really) supports her and gives her the car, but she does have to drive 1.5 each way to watch him everyday. So we have saved a lot of money and save money every week she watches him. She wants to move closer but has no way of doing that and trust fund boyfriend doesn't want to leave mom's house. We are in no position to have her move in with us and honestly that's not anything I would want either as I don't think she'd ever leave.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful to all she does for watching him, I just have a lot of childhood/young adult resentment against her as well as resentment against the state of things in the US where there is not more support for families/mothers. Also, regardless of any ill feelings I have with her I know she loves my son and truly cares for him while she watches him.
Thank you!

I bought the Kobo Libra Colour with the Notebook Sleepcover. To save on money, I found a new Dell Active Pen PN579X Stylus on ebay for $20.
Just came in the mail today. At first I thought there might be something wrong because it didn't seem to work, but then I looked at the manual and realized the Stylus had "AES" mode and "MPP" mode and was "AES" mode by default. Switched to MPP, and now it's working.
It's not exactly paper-like, but it doesn't feel bad or awkward at all to me. My handwriting is no worse or better than pen/paper. Slight delay, but not enough to bother me or negatively impact penmanship. The handwriting convert to digital text is also better than I expected. I write with a print/cursive mix and it's picked up everything.
The big question I had was whether or not the Dell stylus pen would fit and magnetically attach to the stylus slot in Kobo Notebook SleepCover. It does not on either account. It does not stick magnetically and it's slightly too big. It will sit in the rounded slot ok, but with it nestled there, the cover doesn't close flat -- the edge of the fap sits up about 2 inches above the edge where it should be flush.
Hope this information serves useful and let me know if you have any questions.

PART 3

Max woke in the night to a plinking sound. He had fallen asleep crying over Scat, treat bag and collar on the table in full view. His eyes were blurry and sore, his nose was runny and sore and the nature channel was his distraction. Ruth was letting off a lovely glow and it warmed him to think of Scat so lovingly curled around her, day in and day out. He let out an almost-sob. He didn’t want to give her back. Didn’t want to wake up.
Eventually Max pried one eye open and surveyed the room. TV still on, duvet still over him, the floor wasn’t wet and the ceiling wasn’t leaking, so where was the…
Plink.
Ruth.
Max sighed and rolled over, the duvet making a break for the floor before being dejectedly scooped up again and deposited back across his lap. The small cloud of Scat’s fur wafted off the floorboards and turned Max’s heart. He contemplated going back to the escape of sleep, but finally sat and rubbed his eyes, held his aching head in his hands for a moment and, dropping his hands and lolling his head back, Ruth came into focus. The central glass disc that she had made like a rosette for herself had grown, bloated out. It looked a bit like a tortoise shell, glittery and iridescent and very Ruth, except now, it had…
“Diamonds!” Max yelped, miraculously fully awake.
There, underneath the bulbous disc was a tiny pile of painfully perfect diamonds, so exuberant in colour they seemed almost alive. He could see clean through the pile itself each one was so clear, with a miniature rainbow refracted inside. They were scattered across the table and he realised they were dropping from all over the glass tubes, the largest ones plinking from the central disc.
“Holy cow! What the hell, Ruth! This is amazing! I mean, how did you do that?”
Ruth plinked another diamond from the disc, meanwhile the bobbing gyroscopic mass that had accumulated in the disc decided to bob itself towards Max and answer him with a spiral of flashes and disco lights.
“You really are a crazy, crazy little thing, you know that?” he asked, picking up a diamond and examining it against Ruth’s emitted light show. He threw his t-shirt across the table top and spread the diamonds out on it. There must have been fifteen of them, simply perfect and all different shapes to each other, irregular and yet symmetrical.
Max collapsed into the dining chair next to the table.
Why did they happen today? Why now of all days? It had been nearly a week since he was entrusted with Ruth and she seemed pretty stable up till yesterday. She had grown that diamond factory bulge that reminded him of a tortoise, yes, but now it almost looked like an expensive, old-fashioned sweet dispenser that you get in the bowling alley or in the shopping centres in posh areas. The kind they stuck between the raised beds of fake forest-looking plants in the food court, the kind that were there to tempt the kids after their unfulfilling and unappreciated fast-food dine-outs but used all your pocket money for one jaw-breaker.
Max tried to backtrack. What had he done differently? If he could figure it out, maybe he could persuade Ruth to make more diamonds… his friend would never have to know, he could get Scat a little headstone, and if he could figure out how it worked he could reverse it so there wouldn’t even be any evidence. No, his friend would surely know. Max could save a few diamonds and give them to him and say she just started… have to work out the details later. First things first.
“So, Ruth. Why are you giving me these little nuggets of joy, huh? What did I do to warrant this spectacle?” He talked to Ruth, but she didn’t respond. No movement, just the usual swirling around. Max watched the glass disc closely through his puffy eyes but couldn’t see where the diamonds fell from, nor anything that would suggest a factory line of compressed carbon was in progress. She seemed to be slowing down.
Max pressed his brows together, then slowly lifted the fern up onto the table again. This was the only thing different. The bamboo was outside and Scat was…
A wave of horror flooded over Max. He launched himself out of his chair and sprinted to the window and, ripping back the voile, he saw the bamboo had grown six feet over night. He knew it grew fast from watching that documentary about tropical rainforests but this was a stretch too far. Much too far. That damned thing hadn’t grown in years…
“Ruth,” he said turning to her, “what did you do?”

For the next few hours, Max observed Ruth from across the room. The discovery channel was on in the background, as always. Ruth didn’t seem to do much without it these days but for a hunk of glittery glass and brass Max supposed not much was interesting unless it moved or had nothing whatsoever to do with man-made things. Suited him just fine. Who needs politics anyway?
Apparently, Ruth had taken it upon herself to make the fern shrivel up and increase her diamond production, much to Max’s exuberant happiness and overwhelming horror. He shoved the sofa to the far end of the room and started putting all his household plants in the spaces between the table and himself. The kitchen herbs went first.
He had taken one of the diamonds down to the swanky precious stone and metal specialist at the posh end of town (his name was Horace, apparently,) and had it valued. He took extreme pleasure in watching the man’s face freeze in wonder at the rock placed before him. I’ve never seen such a stone, Horace said. Never seen such a clear, colourful, perfect stone in my life, Horace said. It’s phenomenal, Horace said. Where did you get it, Horace asked. I inherited it, Max lied. It’s worth a fortune, Horace said. Thank you, I’ll have it back now, Max said. He made sure to stop by the garden centre on his way home.

The front room was a sea of plants. Max waded through them, deciding that a walkway to the door would be a vital escape route that shouldn’t be compromised, in case Ruth decided she had been on her vegetarian stint for long enough. Max had toyed with the idea of getting a fish tank or some other living creature to put next to her as a safeguard but he promptly remembered Scat and nearly broke down on the shop floor in front of the display tanks. Besides, the plants were working! There was already a multitude of stacks of plastic pots and trays next to the front door ready for recycling, and all the withered remains of whatever the pots had housed was scattered along the borders amongst the dog daisies and tulips. Ruth was putting out a considerable amount of stonage these days. Max bought an old bank safe online. It was currently sat in the hallway because that’s as far in as the two couriers could lift the thing, and there was no way on god’s green earth that Max was going to let them into the front room and risk them getting curious. The safe was only waist-high and wasn’t too ugly, so the hallway it was.
Max carefully spun the dial clockwise, anti-clockwise, clockwise again, on and on, muttering under his breath as he read from the bit of paper he guiltily kept in his pocket alongside his friend’s contact details. He used his whole bodyweight to wrench open the door and deposit the load of diamonds in a mason jar, nestled it in next to its siblings that were already full and stacked up there. He had set up a system of small tubs under the hotspots for diamonds drops and his favourite whiskey glass under the place where the large diamonds fell. He emptied them regularly, always aware that someone might knock on the door, he might need to pee or Scat might need to go outside (no, poor thing, he was there already). His kitchen was full of boxes of new mason jars and his lounge was full of plants, like some weird meth lab. A thrill of fear swept down Max’s back and up through his throat looking at all those jars, heavy with precious stones. He knew the smallest one alone would make him a disgustingly wealthy man. Horace had confirmed it.
Two days later, and there was no more space in the safe. Nowhere else to put those little rocks. Max decided to give Ruth a break, let her rest while he decided what to do next. He couldn’t have a house full of safes, his friend would already think it was weird that the one in the hallway appeared out of nowhere. Max put a coffee table over it, covered it with a tablecloth and some old bank statements, throwing on a phone charger for authenticity.
He had taken to talking to Ruth while the documentaries were on, she seemed to like that. He had been taking daily trips to the garden centre and leaving with a fully loaded car, right up until they looked at him suspiciously (he was a renowned leave-it-to-the-bugs kind of gardener; after years of failed attempts at keeping his plants alive and fruitless efforts of the garden centre employees to dispense advice he could keep to), so he started frequenting other nurseries as well.
Today, he was going to figure out how Ruth did it. He had to know. In his mind it was the equivalent of finding out how the Egyptians built the pyramids (because it obviously wasn’t aliens,) and the fact that even his friend didn’t know what this thing could do was something altogether more impressive! He may well have created it, but it was Max who had realised Ruth’s full potential, it was Max who had figured out the process, it was Max who had discovered the balance of life and death. Nobody could take that from him. But to really put the boot in, he wanted to know how.
“Come on, Ruthy, tell me how you do it. Let me see you do it, just once.” Max waited for a response. There was none. Then…
Plink.
He had seen! He knew now! Ha!
“Yes! That’s it! That’s the ticket! I knew it, old gal, this is going to be such an epic day! I can’t wait to see their faces, suck on THAT!”
Max jumped, air-punched and whirled around the front room, ecstatic in his discovery. Never again would they look down on him! Never again would they look at him like he was an idiot because he couldn’t get the printer to print on both sides of the paper, they wouldn’t reject him, the girls would think he was funny, he was going to be filthy rich, he could save the world! He, Max, was all powerful.
Oh yes. That’s what I’m talking about.

I tells ya, so much falls into place here. This comes from Helen Hardacre's book Kurozumikyō and the New Religions of Japan, Princeton University Press, Princeton, New Jersey, 1986. First, some background:

The contemporary religious scene in Japan is commonly divided into the "established religions" (kisei shūkyō) and the "new religions" (shinshūkō). These categories are further divided into Buddhist- and Shintō-derived varieties of each as well as into further subcategories.

The titular "Kurozumikyō" is a Shintō new religion founded in 1814 by the Shintō priest Kurozumi Munetada. As of this publication, it had a total membership of 220,000.

Founded by a priest of the "established" Shintō tradition, it is one of the oldest of the so-called new religions and seems to combine aspects of both new and established types. (p. 3)
THE NEW RELIGIONS OF JAPAN
The new religions and their members represent an important and distinctive sector of Japanese society. In spite of the great variety of their doctrines, new religions share a unity of aspiration and world view significantly different from those of secular society and from the so-called established religions. New religions constitute the most vital sector of Japanese religion today and include perhaps 30 percent of the nation's population in their membership. (p. 3)

A source I read recently noted that the Soka Gakkai grew from poaching members of other new religions; it seems this demographic was the most fluid and changeable of Japan's religious demographic. However, at just 30% of the population, even if the Soka Gakkai had managed to claim 100% of these new religions' memberships, it would still have fallen short of Ikeda's self-defined minimum requirement of 1/3 of the population.

Among the doctrines of the new religions there is great variety, since doctrine frequently originates in revelations to a founder. (p. 5)

Here is the Soka Gakkai's version:

• The enlightenment attained by President Toda in prison is the prime point of Soka Buddhism.

Founders tend to be charismatic individuals who attract a following through faith healing rather than through ordination and textual erudition.

The Soka Gakkai version:

• Ikeda: "Every disease can be cured by Gohonzon!"

Also here and here and especially HERE - DEFINITELY with the "faith healing".
As far as the "textual erudition" goes, Toda's post-WWII lectures on the Lotus Sutra were expected to be accepted as the "gold standard" of textual interpretation, and today, SGI members study Ikeda's lectures on texts rather than the texts themselves - see here and here. Who needs any priest??

The new religions tend to recruit their following through evangelistic proselytization and dramatic conversion, at least in the first generation. They promise followers "this-worldly-benefits" in the form of healing, solution of family problems, and material prosperity. In ethics they emphasize family solidarity and qualities of sincerity, frugality, harmony, diligence, and filial piety. Between laity and leaders there is only a vague dividing line, and for the most part, anyone may acquire leadership credentials, including women. Frequently the new religions recognize no sacred centers but those of their own history. (pp. 5-6)

While the Soka Gakkai initially embraced pilgrimages ("tozan") to the Nichiren Shoshu Head Temple Taiseki-ji, their regular activities were centered on Soka Gakkai buildings ("kaikan", or "centers") rather than on Nichiren Shoshu temples. In fact, this was an early source of conflict, as the Nichiren Shoshu priesthood justifiably questioned WHY the Soka Gakkai was putting so much more effort and resources into building NEW Soka Gakkai centers than on building Nichiren Shoshu temples, which would have been the proper function of any religion's legitimate lay organization. Add to that the bad optics of Ikeda's cult's attempted steeplejacking of established Nichiren Shoshu temples, and there was DEFINITELY something rotten in Denmark, so to speak. The Soka Gakkai's focus was trained on IKEDA rather than on the priests of the order they supposedly belonged to as a lay organization. That's some fucked up priorities and it was only a matter of time before that became an open, obvious problem. Of course Ikeda hoped to delay that reckoning until he was in a position to seize the entire Nichiren Shoshu religion for himself. Too bad, so sad, the Nichiren Shoshu priesthood headed him off at the pass and spoiled all his beautiful plots.

The world view of the Japanese new religions conceives of the individual, society, nature, and the universe as an integrated system vitalized by a single principle. Every level represents the manifestation of that principle on a larger scale. The relationships among the levels, however, are not static. They must be maintained in balance, harmony, and congruence. These qualities are manifested in conditions of happiness, health, social stability, abundant harvests, and regular succession of the seasons (free of such calamities as flood, drought, and major earthquakes). The opposite conditions (unhappiness, illness, social unrest, scarcity of food, and natural disasters) are symptomatic of a lack of harmony or congruence. Everything is interconnected so that a change in one dimension, no matter how small, eventually ripples out and affects other dimensions in a larger context. Religious practice is a striving for continuous integration of self with the body, society, nature, and the universe. This involves careful management of the most basic components: the self, the faculties of mind and emotion, and the personality. (pp. 11-12)

This thinking was the basis for Nichiren's Rissho Ankoku Ron, or "On Establishing the etc. & whatever".
Here is the chart that illustrates this thinking; you can clearly see the basis for "A great human revolution in just a single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a nation and, further, can even enable a change in the destiny of all humankind". There is no scientific basis for this kind of delusion; ignorant people just LIKE believing it. "Look how IMPORTANT and INFLUENTIAL I am!! Everything is all about MEEE!!!" The Soka Gakkai has been in existence (in a continuous state) for some 80 years now; if this sort of thing DID happen, we'd see it. We already know Ikeda had such high hopes for his followers, but the truth is that the membership never lived up to Ikeda's expectations. No "world leaders" emerged from Soka Gakkai ranks; they didn't even become rich! That simply isn't something that happens because of "this practice", no matter how much Ikeda misled all the gullibles. Daimoku is obviously NOT "the perfect solution for all problems".

Although the new religions inevitably adopt the system I have just described, they state it in different idioms. They may use Buddhist, Shintō, or colloquial terms for the self, calling it variously the kokoro (heart-mind or heart), konjō (guts), *reikon (spirit), tamashii (soul), and other terms. Similarly, they may name the principle vitalizing all existence by Shintō, Buddhist, or other terms: kami-nature, Buddha-nature, karma, ki, yōki, and so forth. They may predicate the existence of a variety of supernaturals who exist on a different plane than human beings, intervening in human affairs from time to time. These may be kami, Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, or ancestors. Alien to the system is the notion of a single deity standing outside the whole and manipulating it by means of an unknowable will. The supernaturals of the integrated system are subject to its rhythms and generally conform to its principles. The system is compatible with a variety of cosmological ideas and world pictures, including horizontal and vertical cosmologies seen in Japanese myths and in Buddhism's many-tiered realms of existence. (pp. 12-14)
Because self-cultivation is the primary task of all, textual erudition, esoteric ritual, and the observance of abstinences are rejected or relegated to secondary significance.

Because "Earthly desires ARE enlightenment", right?? And all that other Buddhism stuff, well, that's all obsolete now, "as useless as last year's calendar", right??

The notion of kokoro is a hallmark of Japanese culture, and it is the central pillar of the world view of the new religions. Consider the following proverb, one that could be endorsed by the new religions and is a stock saying in secular society: "Both suffering and happiness depend on how we bear the kokoro." Kokoro is borne or carried in a certain way, good or bad, and according to that we suffer or are happy. We are in control. An ordinary, nonreligious interpretation of this proverb would say that our attitude toward circumstances determines in large part whether we are happy or unhappy, or that an attitude of "positive thinking" can improve our experience of unfavorable situations even if the circumstances are not thereby altered. (p. 19)

You can see Ikeda alluding to this here:

Even a man who has great wealth, social recognition and many awards may still be shadowed by indescribable suffering deep in his heart. On the other hand, an elderly woman who is not fortunate financially, leading a simple life alone, may feel the sun of joy and happiness rising in her heart each day.

An interpretation of the proverb among the new religions is likely to be much stronger, to hold that human beings certainly have the power to be happy, depending solely on the manner in which one bears kokoro. We need only exercise that power by self-cultivation.

And remember - NO COMPLAINING!!

Moreover, the idea that circumstances can be changed by the power of diligently cultivated kokoro is pervasive. It is a question not only of a change of attitude but sometimes of radical material change, such as an improvement in economic situation or a miraculous healing. It is understood that the cultivated kokoro has the power also to change external persons and events, and that nothing is impossible. Exercising the full power fo the kokoro is possible for anyone who practices self-cultivation through the spiritual disciplines of the particular religious group. (pp. 19-20)

Isn't that the whole basis for the idea of "human revolution"? How else could anyone understand "You can chant for whatever you want!"? Don't the Dead-Ikeda-cult SGI culties love to talk about "making the impossible possible"?? Hmm..I wonder why they never do...🤨
Here Ikeda likens the Soka Gakkai practice to the magic lamp of the "Aladdin" story. And it only works for Soka Gakkai members, of course.

We chant to make the impossible possible, we want extraordinary, not ordinary. Let's get those benefits flowing, let's appreciate those challenges that allow us to grow and win and share those victories with others so that they can be inspired and win. Source

While the terminology of the self is basic to understanding Japanese constructions of self, the patterns of action and affect in which these are embedded constitute the functioning of the world view of the new religions. Here I identify four such patterns:

(1) the idea that "other people are mirrors,"

(2) the exchange of gratitude and repayment of favor,
(3) the quest for sincerity, and
(4) the adherence to paths of self-cultivation.
So much for the supposed "novelty" of Dickeata's supposedly eternal "clear mirror guidance", eh? Oh, and EVERYBODY owes Scamsei and the SGI their eternal gratitude, too, and you NEVER EVER get to finish your "human revolution" ("self-cultivation")!

Each of these patterns represents an indispensable element of Japanese culture, and thus their implementation in Japanese religions is not unique. (p. 21)

Nope. The Soka Gakkai is just bog standard for a Japanese New Religion. Nothing unique or special. Just like all the rest.

The idea that other people are mirrors makes the individual totally responsible in all circumstances. Although the burden is heavy, there is also a tacit message that the self can control any situation. Placing blame and responsibility on the individual also denies the idea that "society" can be blamed for one's problems; hence concepts of exploitation and discrimination are ruled out of consideration. On the whole the new religions are uninterested in political action to improve society; to them it is a question of individuals improving themselves individually and collectively through self-cultivation. (p. 23)

Remember, this author ISN'T talking about Soka Gakkai here! This a feature of ALL Japan's new religions!

Since self-cultivation is the primary determiner of all human affairs, notions of fate or divine wrath (karma or bachi, for example) are reinterpreted, ignored, or denied.

Or introduced when necessary to blame a member when the promises of SGI leaders are proven empty and false. It's always the MEMBERSHIP's fault somehow, never that the teachings are wrong or deceptive.

In like manner, because of the primacy of self-cultivation, the concept of pollution cannot be fully credited, and this opens the door to greater participation by women than is the case in the established religions.

In the case of the Soka Gakkai, "greater participation by women" has been implemented as "greater exploitation of women". The women of the Soka Gakkai were expected to deliver daily newspapers for no pay throughout the Soka Gakkai's history; it is only recently that their numbers have declined so catastrophically and they have aged so much that the Soka Gakkai finally had to contract with a delivery service - which of course Soka Gakkai has to PAY now. Newspapers are SO much more profitable when you can find some suckers to deliver them at no cost to YOU!

Thus the new religions stress unquestioning performance of their established disciplines, fully aware that the demand for uncomprehending obedience (at least iat the beginning) will cause the convert frustration. Also involved as a minor theme is the pedagogical principle that "physical action can be perceived as isomorphic with spiritual change." Thus, for example, polishing floors can be assumed to "polish" the self. If one enters through form, eventually the kokoro will follow.

Speaking of exploiting women, who else heard that when women were cleaning the toilets for free at the local SGI center, they were "cleaning their karma"??

The hardship entailed is not to be avoided; no one denies that it is punishing to polish floors by hand, recite sutras, or endure cold water ablutions. Hardship in itself is virtuous and confers compassion and maturity.

Isn't that the essence of SGI's much-vaunted "youth division training"? Basically, it's SGI leaders getting off on forcing young people to do all sorts of scut work and to engage in unpleasant activities just because they can - somebody has to do the grunt work, right? Make THEM do it! Tell them it's "training" when actually it's just training them to allow themselves to be exploited. For a funny example of this attitude, see how this colossal doofus was trying to cajole and coerce his employee into joining SGI before he aged out of the youth division, so he could get him some of that gooooood "youth division training"!!

Meanwhile, now I worry about Chad, who has only a few months left to obtain YMD training, to whom I had to slip September Living Buddhism under his door, since his subscription is on the internet, and I want him to start working on the Introductory Exam material. Yesterday he did not answer or reply when he was supposed to be at work. (He is paid per day of work from his home.) Today when I arrived he was not even there. So I have been chanting for his welfare. He recently reported to me a medical difficulty he has that may be interfering with his efforts, or worse.

That's ONE way to duck an annoying self-important SGI stalker-nag! "Sorry, can't talk - have the plague..."

All the new religions agree that a person's real potential cannot be fulfilled without suffering, and in this they share with secular society the suspicion about someone who has failed that perhaps kurō ga tarinai, "the person hasn't suffered enough." That is, if one had endured sufficient trials before the present ordeal, one could have conquered this hardship. Accordingly it is important to establish how much leaders and founders have suffered in the course of their own self-cultivation. (p. 28)

See More myths about how the young Ikeda suffered so much and was so sickly wah wah

All problems can be traced to insufficient cultivation of self. Thus it is misguided to expect fundamental social change from political ideology. Instead, society can be improved only through collective moral improvement, the doctrine of meliorism. Similarly, attempting to cure disease simply by treating the body alone is useless. Healing can come about only through rededication to ethical values; hence medicine is effective only in a provisional way. Education and secular achievements apart from faith and cultivation of self are houses of cards, castles on sand. Accordingly, media-sponsored presentation of thoroughly secularized views of life are disapproved. (p. 14)

You can see the clearest examples of this thinking in the teachings of Ikeda and the Soka Gakkai from the 1960s, before people understood how immediate and pervasive "political ideology" could effect fundamental social change, as in the US when the anti-race-mixing "anti-miscegenation" interracial marriage legal prohibitions were swept away in the US Supreme Court's 1967 judgment on "Loving v. Virginia". That changed society more fundamentally and pervasively than any religion's doctrines that people's "hearts" must be changed FIRST before anyone could hope to see societal change realized, or in the terms above, "collective moral improvement". No. Remove unjust laws and establish penalties for behaving unjustly, and voilà! Society changes!
See SGI is actively OPPOSED to social justice and thus will NEVER contribute meaningfully to world peace and More on why SGI will never make any significant changes to society.
Back when Japan's medical system was primitive, with limited availability, the new religions advertised "faith healing", as seen above and here. But as medical care improved and, most importantly, became widely accessible, that became people's healing option of choice, so the new religions (and all the rest) had to drop it as a selling point, because nobody was buying it any more. Within the ignorant and indoctrinated ranks of SGI members, we can STILL see claims of "faith healing"; they apparently don't realize this isn't a compelling sales pitch any more. Except that in house, the superstitious, magical-thinking culties still eat it up with a spoon 🙄
But you can see Ikeda here explaining that medicine is unnecessary to treat various ills; there must be a "faith" component or the treatment will inevitably be ineffective. OR that having faith will make even a nonsensical nontreatment effective! Also slamming medicine as harmful and condemning members as somehow "deserving" of terrible illnesses.
And remember when Ikeda told "girls" they didn't need to go to college? That was fun. And how Icky denigrated university graduates??
Let's not forget how the Soka Gakkai has always been anti-union and has never established any charitable services anywhere, not even for the needy within its own struggling membership.

Lacking justification for a strong differentiation between the religious lives of priests and laity, the tendency to make the laity central is strong and pervasive. (p. 14)

This was a primary issue within the Soka Gakkai that festered until Ikeda brought it to a full boil out of his obsessive desire to BE the object of worship. The Soka Gakkai/Nichiren Shoshu alliance, while expedient for the Soka Gakkai and undeniably profitable for Nichiren Shoshu, was nonetheless an uneasy alliance, given the Soka Gakkai's defining characteristics as a "new religion" and Nichiren Shoshu's "established religion" status. Those two simply don't mix. Especially on this last point, you can see that it is a characteristic of a "new religion" to have the fundamental attitude that "priests are unnecessary". Ikeda simply wanted to USE Nichiren Shoshu for his OWN convenience, in service to HIS plans, instead of directing the Soka Gakkai to function as a legitimate lay organization whose focus was their religion, Nichiren Shoshu. Ikeda made it all about himself and his goal of maximizing his own power and control. Ikeda was never a religious person.

So, I've been trying to learn how to write in Old Roman Cursive, but there seems to be many different ways to write each letter, and the sources I've been using seem to conflict on almost all of them (A is the only letter that seems to actually stay the same throughout all of them). The sources I've been using are:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXWUL8ieBgE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQu2zKYdIWw
https://www.omniglot.com/writing/romancursive.htm
https://sites.dartmouth.edu/ancientbooks/2016/05/25/ancient-fonts-rustic-capitals-old-and-new-roman-cursive/
https://coriniummuseum.org/schools/resources/roman-writing/
https://www.detailedpedia.com/wiki-Roman_cursive (full image is on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_cursive )
I've also been using LLPSI to learn Latin, and the Epistula Magristrī chapter (as well as an image on p259 of some carving from Pompeii) has some Old Roman Cursive that I transcribed onto a notebook, so I have that as well to reference.
Anyway, the conflictions between all these sources has me wondering which I should rely on. The person on this 9 year old Reddit post said he used the the second link I provided, but the detailedpedia source and the first YouTube link both seem to use the same letters (the omniglot and dartmouth links also use the same letters), so that's two sources that actually agree... originally I was actually going to compare each letter with each source and use the form for the letter that the most sources used, but I don't want to accidentally mix dialects or something, and end up writing E's like I'm from Ostia while writing my P's like I'm from Pompeii, or anything like that.
Anyway, what do you guys think? How should I pick which source to rely on? Or is there other sources that are more accurate than these, that I should be looking at?
P.S. Some of the letters are even considered New Roman Cursive in some of the sources, but put under Old Roman Cursive for other sources, to make things even more confusing (e.g., the "New Roman Cursive" E in the coriniummuseum link and the third "Old Roman Cursive" E in the omniglot link are identical)
P.P.S. A couple of other sources I excluded, as I haven't actually looked into these two too deeply: https://www.reddit.com/latin/comments/f7wtc2/breakdown_of_the_cursive_used_in_ancient_roman/ https://www.reddit.com/latin/comments/ecgk4a/old_roman_cursive_variants/

Compromise
First Prev
“Alright, so uh...” Alex picked the last larva out of the bowl and ate it. A burst of umami and the unexpected taste of alcohol. Now that it had soaked up some of the spice from the broth, it was pretty good. Not particularly flavorful, but a better eating experience than he would expect from a grub. “Why did Eleya put two towns into a warship?”
“I do not know.” Carbon was less fussy about the variety of ingredients presented, eating without playing favorites. It was what she’d picked out when pressed to recommend something for him, and the speed of the devastation she was enacting on what had been a bowl nearly filled to the brim said that it was actually a personal favorite. “I had heard some suggesting converting retired Naval ships into housing, using a decommissioned carrier as a space station once it could be towed into a proper location. Swapping out launch bays for community towers is not a long bridge.”
“That seems...” It seemed desperate. But given what he’d seen, desperate was where they had been in the weeks following the disaster. Where they still were, even if things were improving.
Were things improving?
“Born out of desperation, yes.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “We did not have many colonies, we had not built so many stations. We only kept old ships for parts as another means of efficiency in our fleets. There had been hundreds of thousands in transit all over the Empire at the time. On their way home, on their way to relieve others who now no longer had a home to return to.”
“Yeah, that-” He shifted some of the shredded cabbage-potato around his bowl, trying to figure out what to say. The ‘that sucks’ he had stopped himself from blurting out felt offensively inadequate. “That does present a huge challenge. Did they end up bringing ships online for that?”
“Oh, we did everything. Any idea that was not completely untenable got the blue light. Repurposing ships, building sealed micro-arcologies on less habitable planets, mining out sufficiently large asteroids, asking the Confederation for help. I saw one proposal that suggested an inflatable space station. I thought it was a completely deranged idea.” She paused and picked up the bowl, slurping out some of the broth. “Then Humans arrive to bring aid, and do you know what the first structure they brought with them was?”
“An inflatable space station.” He saw that coming. Everyone - well, everyone who was sufficiently interested in space ships - would recognize the Redoubt class from that description alone. The very definition of form following function, each ship was little more than a central cylinder with hard points for a dozen habitat modules, and engines bolted to one end. Light, fast, cheap. Once deployed, you had a small space station that could be packed up when you were done. Old technology, sure, but they were everywhere, and the configuration options were extensive.
“Exactly. Forgive me, but I laughed. I knew the intent was to help, but having seen that proposal just weeks before...” She smiled and laughed despite having just apologized for such a thing.
“No I get it, it’s a goofy looking ship.” He could see the humor in the situation as well. Having gone from ‘this is too dangerous’ to ‘of course the Humans brought one’ was pretty funny. It put a smirk on his face and got him close to laughing along with her. “Probably used it as a command post until something heavier arrived. Kind of the primary use case for those in Search and Rescue, which is what I think the aid mission was first considered.”
“I was not involved with that aspect of recovery operations, but it stands to reason.” She set her utensils aside in a very specific way, sliding the bowl towards the end of the table. “I cannot tell you why they put all these people here. My first guess would be that it was a somewhat straightforward swap. The bays are very securely attached to the structure, but they are intended to be removed and replaced. It would be important that Eleya use her ship as a proof of concept.”
“Royals lead?” Seemed the logical jump.
Carbon nodded. “The Sword is recognized as her flagship. It is named after her. The Stronghold is based heavily on the Imperial Palace in Ama’o - may it rest. Taking in civilians, thousands of them, is hard proof that she is not simply hiding in here. Having the senate on board also brings with it the need for support staff, creating a symbiotic relationship. It is... a good compromise.”
“Okay, wait. How is The Sword of the Morning Light named after Eleya?” That legitimately confused him. “All I know is the -ya suffix is feminine.”
“Another name mauled by your automatic translation, though this time it is a portion of the Empress’ full formal titles.” She gave him a pointed look, a little smirk hiding on the side of her muzzle. “The strictest translation would be ‘the sword that is used to cut back the night,’ but that is even worse. If I were doing translations and feeling poetic, perhaps I would call it Dawnsword. It would convey the meaning of the name well enough, I think, without being verbose.”
“Then why do you call it the Sword like we do?” He figured just using the actual Tsla name would be easy enough if Dawnsword was a better translation.
“When in Rome.” Carbon snickered. “The Confederate systems I was working with before leaving for the Haultain were not set up to handle Tsla, and none of the Humans I spoke to recognized the name when I said it, so it became a force of habit.”
“Ah, that’d do it.” He’d ask about the actual name another time - it being one of Eleya’s titles felt like a natural transition to learning the rest of her titles, and he didn’t give a single damn about doing that right now.
“Alright, Eleya needs places to put people, and a place to put a temporary capital until the new location can be properly sorted. Two birds with one stone, I suppose. Wouldn’t staying at Schoen be more of the... leader thing to do?”
“If she were to stay here beyond the end of this endeavor, perhaps so. For now, having this ship - and its civilians - as a base of operations, in what even we consider to be one of the most secure solar systems, is reasonable. Most governing at that level has been done remotely since before the disaster, so it doesn’t impede anything.” She paused to sip her tea. “No one needs a senator to be on site anyway. Their presence traditionally just interferes with real work.”
That did get a laugh out of Alex. “The more things change.”
“The more they stay the same, yes?” She said with a grin.
“It is so. All right, mystery of the Dawnsword’s surprise towns is put to rest.” He stopped talking as Haraya came out of the woodwork to remove Carbon’s dishes, bustling away with even less stiffness than before. Why did he feel like he was forgetting something? “Heck. Did... Did anyone tell you we have an appointment to see a designer about our uh, our insignia?”
“No, but my communicator has been going off like I am being told something like that.” Carbon laughed and leaned back into her chair, fishing the slim black device from her jacket, the screen coming on.
Alex was not intentionally staring at his wife’s abdomen as he pushed the bowl away and set his chopsticks out like she had done. “Zenshen said it was this afternoon.”
“Mmh, afternoon. Another curious translation.” She teased him gently, flicking items off her screen one by one. “Neya says it is with Aetena Lyshen, at three. He has stated that his schedule is open today, and we may come in earlier if we so desire. Oh. How unexpected.”
Three o'clock, Tsla’o time, was probably like a solid five or six hours away. Plenty of time to have a deeply personal conversation about what Neya had told him. Or, perhaps, just go talk to the guy sooner. It wasn’t like he was putting it off... but he was putting it off for now. “What’s up?”
“Neya contacted the Colonel to make sure that Zenshen was attached to your detail properly - it turns out she was. You are both already on the artifact project, so it was just a slight shift of duties. The Empress went through appropriate channels, and Lehnan agrees with her decision.” She glanced up at him as she processed that. “I did not expect it to be so proper.”
“She is trying to turn over a new leaf, at least as far as you are concerned. Ensuring I have the help to not fuck things up, and doing it properly, could be a part of that.” He managed to make it sound like a statement, even though it was very much a question. Did his insistence that Eleya needed to start following through on her words actually sink in?
“It is possible. She will need to do more than fill out a little paperwork to prove herself.”
“Yeah, obviously. It’s just that you seemed surprised, so I was left with the impression that was unusual.”
Carbon stared down at the phone in her hands. “I do not know. From what I have seen, she will normally adhere to formal channels. But in the past, when it has come to dealings with me, she has not. Relied on her word being law to make things happen.”
Like making it legal to marry a Human. Changed who knows how much legal history with a stroke of a pen, to unfold some new machinations. “Zenshen made it sound like she was mostly there to act as a buffer between me and the military, keep me from offending anyone. Which strikes me as Eleya looking after her investment.”
“That is a reasonable assumption. I fear she has more intent sunk into you than we can see, so...” She also stopped talking when their waitress returned for Alex’s dishes, giving the young woman a warm smile. “Perhaps it really is.”
Alex, being privy to at least one plan that Carbon was unaware of, instantly did not want to comment on that. “Like you say, it lies with her to prove... herself good.”
“So it does.” Carbon smiled at his butchering of their turn of phrase before glancing down at her communicator again. “All right. Do you have any further plans for this morning?”
“Not a one. Want to push up the meeting with Lyshen? For that matter, do we have any plans tonight?”
“I do want to get that done. Designers can be particular. Best to get started sooner, and also have a meal that we can excuse ourselves for without appearing rude.” She smirked, displaying a little bit of the knowledge she had accumulated growing up in an elevated class, and started tapping away at the screen with both thumbs. “As for this evening, nothing that Neya has made me aware of.”
“Sounds good to me.” Left the evening open to actually have a sit down with Neya, perfect. “Oh shit, that reminds me. Neya wants us to bring her breakfast.”
“Does she. Very upset about not being able to come along?” The tone she had said that Carbon was familiar with Neya pretending to be put out by that, as did the barely hidden smile and tiny little snort of a laugh.
“Absolutely heartbroken.” He played along. “I had to promise that we’d get her something this morning and that you’d make breakfast again tomorrow.”
“Mh. We will see who is making breakfast when the time comes, but I will have something sent to her and we will proceed to our appointment.” She flipped through the applications on her phone and started typing something else out. “There.”
Carbon slipped the slim black screen back into her jacket and stood, stretching a little bit before walking over to the end of the bar, Haraya hustling out to meet them with a small device like the one Carbon had used to pay in the other little restaurant. She set her palm down on it, it processed for a moment and played a happy little tune.
“Thank you both, it was an honor to serve you.” Haraya bowed again now that the transaction was done.
“You did well, thank you.” Carbon said it in Tsla as she returned the bow, glancing over at Alex to ensure he was doing the same thing.
“Sa meha.” He was. Paying attention to what Carbon was doing was getting him pretty far, as was having memorized how to say ‘thank you’ in Tsla.
They turned to leave, but Haraya spoke again before they could take a step. Quiet, and very timid. “May I ask you a question?”
Carbon didn’t even think about it as she looked back. “Of course.”
“I was mostly asking the prince, I am very sorry.” She looked just this side of terrified to be correcting a Royal.
“Oh yeah, shoot.” Alex caught himself speaking in English way too late. He pursed his lips and inhaled, just barely preventing himself from rolling his eyes at that little faux pas. Based on what Carbon had said about Haraya getting her information about how nobles work from movies, she would have interpreted that as aimed at her. He queued up a very quick reply. “Please do.”
“After you left, last night.” She glanced over at the bartender, who was not paying them any attention at all. “Adana kept saying a strange word, I assume it to be Human - untranslatable.”
The irony of the translator not being able to digest something in English was not lost on Alex. What had he said to the kid?
Carbon, meanwhile, thought it was hilarious. “It is actually two words, a phrase. Oh, busted. In this case I believe it means that he got caught doing something he should not have been doing.” She laughed, looking up at Alex with a grin.
Haraya’s relief at how this turned out was immediately visible. She was still tense, but didn’t look like she might have just caught an execution. “Adana likes to play with the door controls. They beep and flash, and he can activate the viewscreen... And open the door. That is what he was doing when he found the prince in the hallway, when he should have been in bed. It is not an offensive term?”
“Et.” Alex shook his head no. Score another point for knowing the basics.
“It is as he says. A harmless statement.” Carbon picked up the slack from Alex trying not to advertise that he spoke their language yet. She looked over to him again. “Perhaps used to tease a friend when they get caught out?”
He nodded as sagely as he could, a smirk barely suppressed as he caught that shade she was directing at him.
“His mother will be so glad. She has been concerned it was some kind of swearing, or something worse. I told her that the prince had been kind in my interaction with him, but she was-” Haraya exhaled sharply, wide brown eyes darting between them with a hint of that fear creeping back in. “She was afraid despite that.”
“Ah. If that does not settle her, please get in contact with me.” She pulled her communicator out, swiping along the screen for a moment and holding it out to the young woman. “We can arrange a meeting to clear anything up.”
She looked down at a swirling orange circle on Carbon’s phone, “I am not allowed to carry my- May I get it?”
“Of course.” Carbon smiled.
Alex lowered his voice as Haraya hustled away. “You sure giving her your number is a good idea?”
“No. But she is earnest and correct in her assessment of you.” She shook her head, her words quiet and sharp. “That boy learned a simple phrase, and his mother thinks it is a curse? I know why she did. I have met my own people. I think a gentle nudge may be in order to prevent it from being passed along.”
“When you say gentle nudge...”
She held a hand out to ease his concern. “I was thinking tea.”
Haraya returned, phone in hand and followed by an older, grumpy looking male dressed in the same natural fiber clothes save for a vibrant red scarf around his neck, voice raised as he tried to keep up with the excited teen. “You may not use your-”
“Akai.” Alex gave what he assumed was a manager a needlessly cheery greeting with a little wave of his fingers. Oh man, he had loved being a shit to managers when he was younger, particularly if they were on a power trip. The opportunity hadn’t presented itself recently, and the urge to abuse the power that he allegedly had now was so tempting.
“Floor boss!” Carbon was a step ahead of him, greeting the gray male in their own language loud enough to draw his attention away from their waitress. “What is it that I may not use?”
Alex’s translator sat unused for several seconds as the sounds that guy made never made it past shocked guttural noises, the realization of who he’d been yelling in the general direction of sinking in. Haraya was too busy getting Carbon’s contact information to notice, or might have just been ignoring this exchange as hard as the bartender was.
“It was- My words- Did not for you.” He held up his hands and backed away.
“Ah, a simple misunderstanding?” Carbon offered him as the phone dinged complete, and she slipped it back into her jacket.
“Yes, of course.” Couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Haraya bowed again as she hid her communicator, the same black rectangle that Carbon and Alex appeared to have. “Thank you. I hope I will not have to contact you, but that you have offered...”
“The prince has shown me who he is, what is in his heart... It will not do to have anyone doubting his character.” Carbon smiled and returned the bow.
Alex followed suit.
The fear in her eyes was gone, and if anything there was a little bit of admiration in there now as she thanked them again, quietly, before running off to whatever her next duty was.
They left the same way they had come in, through the main dining area. The crowd had shifted, some groups gone, new ones in their place. Conversations to fill boredom, meals he didn’t recognize being consumed at every pace conceivable. Once again, he was pretty sure this was his kind of joint.
It only took the gentlest of questions to get Carbon talking about what she’d been doing all morning as they walked back to the tram, riding all the way to the stop closest to the bow this time. Alex was only slightly familiar about what she was talking about - had something to do with preventative maintenance checks on one of the shuttles. It was interesting to find out they had developed a very similar system to what he was used to, checking in on functionality after so many hours of use.
He didn’t understand the majority of what she was describing, but he enjoyed listening to her talk about things with such enthusiasm.
Lyshen’s office was easily the furthest forward he had been on the ship yet. Took the elevator up to deck 20 and then just walked towards the bow for another five minutes. He must have been as close as one could get to the plate armor and whatever buffer they put between it and the habitable areas. It seemed almost entirely unused - he was sure some of the bulkheads had dust on them.
For Alex, there were two potential reasons for this. Aetena Lyshen preferred the solitude of the area. It was actually very quiet, even compared to the hall in front of their cabin. Or, he had pissed someone off and gotten banished to a spot as far away as possible.
Whichever option, Lyshen had put some work into his workspace. The door was ringed in a delicate gold filigree, a lacework of glittering geometric shapes with his name and title contained in a small banner above the door. They were meeting with a Royal Artisan.
Carbon tapped the door controls and it slides open almost instantly. The young woman with light red fur inside is dressed nearly as formally as they had been last night, though in muted grays. She bows. Not too deep. “Welcome, the Chief Artisan is preparing for your arrival. It should be just a few minutes.”
Chief Artisan. Well. Alex shot Carbon a sidelong glance as the receptionist turned and they followed her through a waiting room. A simple rectangular area, with a few upholstered chairs and benches scattered around. It was the most Human looking area he’d been in so far.
The far wall caught his eye as they walked through, windows looking into a workshop. Alex walked over, the large floor beyond housing a dozen or so Tsla’o, all seated at desks or workbenches, engrossed in whatever they were working on. Almost to the last, they were using hand tools.
Alex had never really seen craftsmen up close, doing their thing. In movies, or videos, sure. But not right here a few steps away, carefully engraving some sort of... Breastplate? Cuirass? Big chunk of metal that looked like it went over the chest.
“I believe that is yours.” Carbon stepped up next to him, a smirk in her voice as she leaned against his shoulder. “To go with your gauntlets, and the rest of the armor that is no doubt being fabricated.”
“What makes you say that?” How could she pick that up from looking at it for, what, three or four seconds?
“Consider the size.” She nodded at it, the artist working on it laying out a star near the shoulder. “Who else would wear such a piece?”
“Huh.” Compared to the guy who was doing the work, it wasn’t exactly massive, but he would need a lot of padding to wear that. This raised a few questions for him about the ethics of receiving such gifts. But he wasn’t a politician... Not as far as the Confederation was concerned. “I guess it is.”
They stood in silence and watched work progress. A woman in the back was carving something, perhaps a chair leg. One guy in the corner making hinges with an induction forge and a tiny, specialized anvil.
Before long, the secretary approached them again. “The Chief Artisan is prepared for you now. Please.” She gestured to the only door that went somewhere other than the corridor.
The Chief Artisan was sitting behind his desk, wearing an outfit similar to his receptionist, pale green eyes switching back and forth between two screens. The primary one was built into the desk, and had been jury rigged to a Human made laptop that sat on top of it, a rat’s nest of cables connecting the two. There was a holoprojector built into the desk, a jumble of images floating over it. He waved them in and gestured to the chairs across from him, “Please, sit.”
Alex was quick to oblige, glad to be just some guy for the moment. Carbon didn’t seem to mind either, taking the seat beside him without a word. Aetena was the first green Tsla’o Alex had seen, sort of a dark forest green with jade stripes visible on his neck. Apparently a bit of a rarity given how often he saw the other colors on the ship.
“I am sorry to keep you waiting, the connection to your Solanet has gone down. Despite that, I believe I have enough saved locally to begin the process.” Lyshen trailed off, lost between the two displays before closing a dozen images from the holo. He picked a pen up from the table and arranged the remaining pictures neatly, four different coats of arms that claimed to belong to a Sorenson. The red enamel barrel blurred into an arc as he spun the pen in his fingers, voice picking up speed as he locked on to Alex. “There is a large amount of heraldry available for your surname, do you know which coat of arms belongs to your particular family?”
There was a deer, a deer head, a rearing horse and a weird shaped star. Maybe it was a flower, or a drip of paint. They were all surrounded by leaves and the occasional knight’s helmet. Alex wasn’t sure what any of it meant and up until now, he’d never even thought about it. Knights and damsels in distress had never really been his thing. “Uh, can’t say that I do, no.”
“Mmh. What geographic region does your lineage trace back to? I could find no significant references to the Berkley Soresons on your Solanet.” He leaned back and the pen continued to trace crimson circles in his hand.
“The name comes from Europe, but the last couple of generations have lived in California, and America before that for who knows how long... We’re from a little bit of everywhere.” It was an inside joke with the family, which had ties back into nearly every corner of the globe at this point. Now they had a relative from somewhere way off the globe as well.
That puzzled Aetena, ears flicking as he turned back to the Human screen and picked over the keyboard slowly. He didn’t like what he found. “All of these originate from the continent of Europe. Do you happen to know which country?”
“No, I’m not sure. Had an uncle do the family tree thing once, but between the civil wars and The Collapse, the lineage got spotty about a hundred years ago.” Alex wasn’t really into the whole ancestry thing once you got outside of living relatives. It was novel, sure, but right now all he really wanted to do was ask if he could borrow that Solanet access when it came back up. The rest of the ship had access to the Confed’s milnet, which tightly restricted what he could be sending across it - he just wanted to download a couple of movies and some music, but milnet barely overlapped with the wider public network.
Lyshen set his hand down and the pen switched back and forth like a metronome, clicking on his desk at the end of each arc. He closed his eyes for a moment, jaw working silently before he closed the images and started pulling up new ones. “Perhaps we should move on to other aspects of this endeavor. As I have been told that you wish to integrate Tsla’o and Human cultures in your marriage, I had intended to blend the existing Tshalan sigil with some of the Sorenson family heraldry. I thought it would be best to use the gear-star surround from the Princess’ family crest as a base to build from. Something that is immediately familiar to Tsla’o, to put the viewer at ease. As it is indicative of starship commands, exploration and the outer colonies, it will solidly represent both of you and the way you met.”
Alex raised an eyebrow at Carbon, “sound reasonable?” He had no idea if it was or not, but it did sound like it. Also, if they were serious about integrating parts of Tsla’o and Human cultures, they needed to actually get on that.
“Yes. I agree, that would be a good place to start.”
“Thank you.” He busied himself bringing up a few more pictures, rough combinations of the ten point gear-star and the various items from the Sorenson crests, bits of decoration and detail work.
The door chimed behind them and Lyshen stopped with a sharp glare. He eyed the clock and sighed, a whispered curse under his breath before he set his pen down and straightened up. “Come.”
There was a soldier partially concealed behind the door, the rank plate on his uniform loaded with details, not that Alex could read them yet. He swept the room with a rifle as he entered, the short barrel ending up pointed just a hair under Alex’s sternum. A pair of soldiers took up positions on either side of the door and covered him, a few more lined up in the waiting room.
When he spoke, it was crisp and authoritative. “Please back away from the Human.”
 
First Prev
*****
Never a dull moment on that ship.
Art pile: Carbon reference sheet. Art by Tyo_Dem

Help two travelers narrow down where to meet in late September…La Palma, Slovenia, Albania, or Montenegro?
Hi everyone! I met the most incredible woman while she and I were both solo traveling in Madeira, Portugal (we were the only two female solo travelers on our canyoning experience - a blast!) last February, and we hit it off so much. We met up last summer in Paris with our families and are now trying to figure out a place to meet in late September. She lives in Belgium, I live in East coast USA. We’ve narrowed the globe down to La Palma (Canary Islands), Slovenia, Albania, and Montenegro based on what’s appealed to us through extensive reddit searching and IG scrolling and Airbnb browsing. But feeling a little stuck on which one to just lock in and go from there. Any tips?
What we are looking for:
-nature first! We both love mountains and waterfalls
-historic buildings, especially if the lodging is in or around older buildings - the oldest buildings around me are from ~1900 and I enjoy the European history vibes
-villages vs cities, not looking to be swept up in tourist central. Don’t need a lot to “do” activity wise…we are thrilled to just walk around a new area and talk :)
-this one is harder, but cuisine where it’s not fully impossible to find plant based food would be ideal. Feels unlikely with the above requirements (cities make it easier!) but worth a mention. Otherwise, cooking at “home” will be where it’s at!
-decent weather, mostly meaning we’d prefer not to be cold the whole time
Any suggestions, any timing considerations, anything at all from anyone who’s been to any of these places is so welcome!
Thank you :)