So this was removed from nosleep due to an "incomplete story" but I really like it the way I wrote it originally so here it is. Currently working on editing it to fit nosleep properly but we'll see.
*** “She left me.” Muffled sobs dampen my shoulder as I hold my best friend close. “I’ll never see her again.”
I’m sorry, sweetie,” I try to soothe, but she’s inconsolable. It’s a pity, too…her last girlfriend was such a nice girl. I hate to think of where she is now.
“Dani, will you stay with me?” I can’t say no to those wide, pleading eyes, the crystalline tears streaming down her cheeks. I can never say no to her.
Lila and I (both mid-20s F) have been best friends for as long as I can remember. My first memories as a child include her, and according to my parents we’ve been inseparable from day one. I don’t really remember her parents, though, but she’s always been an independent girl. An independent girl who depends on others for validation, which is something she refuses to admit. But I know that. I know her.
I’ve been in love with her since we were teens, and that was also when she started dating around, falling in love with girl after girl. I resigned myself to the best friend role, telling myself that someday I would be the one to take center stage, but I was content with being the shoulder to cry on, the comforting voice accompanied by back rubs.
She would inevitably break up with her girlfriends, or they would break up with her, which was more surprising considering how starstruck each one would look. Each one was smitten with her, so why would they simply leave her? And why, after every single break up, would they leave the state and basically drop off the grid? I didn’t know why until very recently.
And now I no longer want to confess. I don’t know if I even want to remain friends, but I’m more afraid of running away from her without a word. And it’s hard to pretend I don’t still have feelings for her, regardless.
Even now, as Lila clings onto me for comfort, I can’t deny that I’m happy to be there for her.
“I want to be in love again.” Lila stares off into the distance with a wistful expression, tear tracks still smeared over her cheeks. “I want to feel that passion, that spark that turns into a fire…until it consumes us in flames.”
She looks to me, desperate for understanding that only I can give her. And I do, smiling sympathetically, squeezing her hands. No one can understand her like I do, even if we can’t be a couple. Even if I hold my breath every time I’m around her, afraid to so much as breathe wrong.
After a while, she calms down, gratefully accepting tissues to wipe away her tears. She sniffles a little, dabbing at bloodshot eyes, as I put on a movie for some background noise. I know her place like the back of my hand, so I know where everything is. Unfortunately that means I also know some things I really shouldn’t.
Settling back down on the couch, I pull her into my side, letting her snuggle up to me like always.
“I wish I could just date a girl like you,” Lila sighs. “Maybe I should just start dating you.”
I force myself to crack a smile. “Nah, you wouldn’t like dating me. Besides, I like having you as a friend and not a girlfriend.”
She giggles. “Me too, Dani, me too.”
I don’t tell her about how once I’d come over to her house randomly, just to surprise her, and didn’t realize she was out. I don’t say a word about how I found a photo album she’d never shown me before–odd, because doesn’t she show me everything?–and couldn’t resist opening it.
I don’t mention my stunned horror upon seeing picture after picture of past girlfriends, bodies broken and mangled beyond recognition, but always with their faces intact. One of them still had her hands, and another girl still had her collarbone. Those pictures were labeled “Saving the best for last <3” and that caption nearly made me drop the album. But I kept looking. So many pictures of the bodies littered with inhuman teeth marks next to handwritten declarations of love for each girl. All their lovely qualities accompanied by how wonderful their flesh tasted.
I don’t tell her about how I slammed the album shut and placed back where it was. I don’t tell her that when she got home that day and saw me chilling on her couch as usual, I was actually steeling my resolve to never confess my love to her. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much in love with her. “But you saw all those pictures,” you might say…well, yes. But there’s something about that angelic face and perfect skin drenched with blood that just does it for me. And she’s still so beautiful, both inside and out. Can I help being drawn to her like a moth to a tantalizing flame? Looking at those pictures made me realize–there’s no way a normal human could have torn into flesh like that with their bare hands. I won’t bring that up, though.
What I will bring up is that there’s a girl at work that I think Lila would absolutely adore. She’s pretty but deep down, so ugly. Ugly enough to try and sabotage me at work, badmouthing me to other coworkers and even taking a promotion from me. Surely Lila would just love her, and love to love her, and love to have her.
But still…am I wrong for keeping my feelings to myself?

I'm basically just going to jump into this. I'm 15F have a friend group of 4 we've been close and also I met them this year. One of the girls in the group is a junior who move here in the beginning of the year. Before the group of 4 it was actually a trio, but we didn't mind adding another member. But today during 7th period I see a message from our group chat that there is a girl who does not sound like the girl who is a junior sending a voice message. I was confused, because she doesn't have her phone cause her mom took it away in the middle of the year and our school laptop block all social media sites. The three of us thought it was the gf of the guy that like her but she doesn't not like back, because she did logged her account in his phone, but way he found out that she does not like him, because he saw her message cause he forgot to logged her out of his phone. But thw situation was was far from that. As the three of us got dipper too finding out who is this person is. Turns to found out it was actually the gf of the junior. I was so confused and the rest of us as well, because we thought the junior was not gay and told us she used to have a bf and also been through talking stages with guys as well. But the gf of her revealed that she was actually gay and was pretending to not be it and was also cheating on her as well. Mind you her gf and her were still together. The true reason she left her old school, because her parents found out she was dating a girl so they place her to our achool to make her stay away from her gf. Now she to started living a double life. She never actually told us her life from her other school, but I realized I should've ask her about somethings. But with the group chat thing the gf did show us proof of her being together and having a relationship and added the junior old friends from her old school showing them the chats between the guys on her messages and the group chat we are in right now. Mind you, I'm so confused why she would hid this from us and now the gf is saying she going to call her mom and making sure she gets sent to Bahamas.
I'm so confused and I really don't know what to do. Like please send some advice 🙏

1. Around 8 years old, I dressed up in a ballet outfit with my sister and her next-door neighbour girlfriend. Pictures included (thanks, mom).
   
2. Around 10 years old, I prayed every single night for God (sad tears included) to make me a woman. I was developing "breasts," even though the rest of my body was slim. I started to see myself as "different " than the rest of my friends. I grew up in a predominantly female-led household and saw the world through a sensitive, soft lense. I was becoming the caregiver, maternal role in my friendship circle.
   
3. Around the age of 12, I used to play "bum doctor" with best friend (involved pulling down pants and bending over, while the other pretended to give a needle). I found myself initiating this game a good deal more than him. At this age, there was still a young naivete to this, and I wasn't aware it was "strange."
   
4. Around age 14, "on a dare," I dressed up with (a different) best friends mother's clothing. His mother was away at work, we hand-picked items, right down to the underwear, and got changed together in the bathroom. I changed behind the shower curtain as I was too shy and very embarrassed how my breasts completely filled out the (lactating) bra.
   
5. Around this time, I started to experiment with dressing up in my mother's nighties, as well as both of my sisters clothes. There were little pockets of free time to do this, and everything just felt "right"; like all the dots connected.
   
6. Around age 16, I started getting into porn. I was a late developer, as far as sex drive goes. Started off as regular guy/girl porn, then I quickly became interested in the "anal" category. I found myself very turned on by the cock scenes, but not the rest of the male body. I was attracted to the female body, but in a way that I wanted to "be" the female. The idea of making love to a man put my stomach into knots.
   
7. This "kink" grew and grew, unbeknownst to my family and friends. I was a very late developer, and all my friends had girlfriend's around this time.
   
8. I discovered my sisters had toys, and became rather infatuated with them (insert shameful secrets). The idea of being in a submissive role, the idea of a "male" becoming the one who receives - rather than gives, ignited a very deep switch in my brain. It just felt right, natural.
   
9. I started to become brave enough to buy porn DVD's from the local convenience store - but was very embarrassed, as the same owner basically watched me grow up from a kid to this point. I started to buy exclusively DVD's that featured anal. Finally, it took everything in me to one day buy a trans DVD, and I made a pathetically awkward excuse to the owner of how I was buying it as a joke birthday present for my friend. Oh, the shame.
   
10. I started watching the DVD's, imagining myself as the trans women, and essentially worshipping cock, worshipping men. I had little "sexual" desire at this point to be a male role with any future girlfriends. Still, the idea of men's abs, lips, thighs, arms, butt, etc still turned my stomach into knots. Although, in the very very back of my mind, I think I was starting to consider it.
    
11. I discovered Marijuana and beer around the age of 18, and would cut loose at my friends house (the same friend that I tried his mother's clothes on). He would occasionally put on porn (on mute) later into the evening, and meanwhile we were listening to music / playing guitar, etc. I started to sexually become interested in him. It was slways kind of there, but now with the porn playing, and being able to feel those feelings at the same time, I became sort of turned on by him. More so the idea of getting high and then becoming his submissive plaything. There were moments where iI could tell he was imagining the same, but - spoler alert - I never did (as i was way too shy to pursue it) but that only made the infatuation to be a submissive plaything for men even stronger.
    
12. I started talking to a girl online, and after almost four years of talking and developing a friendship, we decided to meet. I was 23 years old at this point. Fast forward, I became her boyfriend and when we were camping, she had just started showing signs of spotting (on her period), so we were just playing around - I was very nervous, especially because i was expected to be the dominant one. Next thing I knew, I had lost my virginity to her. But here's the kicker - it was from anal.
    
13. Curiosity got the best of me, and I started to seek out the validation and attention from men online. I accidentally left my browser open one night, and she saw everything. There was a big blow up, and she was calling me gay. We were both living at my parents' house at the time, and I'm pretty sure they must have overheard it. We made amends, and I confessed to her that I think I was bi and just needed to understand better. We played around with a strap-on quite often, and I also discovered chastity. Chastity became something of an excuse to not have to be the dominant one. I honestly felt more natural being the one receiving anal vs. penetrating a woman. We ended up mutually breaking up when I was 28. We are still best friends to this day.
    
14. I started to think of the man's body, beyond just his penis. I don't know if it was just due to exposure in films, but the right kind of stomach (slightly hairy, soft, but strong "dad" abs) as well as strong hands and forearms started to turn me on. When I would see older men in real life with any of these attributes, a switch went off in my head and I realized that I was turned on by them, and would start to imagine more than just sucking his cock, or receiving anal. I would imagine first kissing his stomach as a show of affection or adoration before taking him into my mouth. I was starting to imagine holding onto his strong arms and pulling his body closer, deeper into me. Maybe softly kissing his fingers, even playfully biting them.
    
15. I use reddit now, as a means to try and find Mr. Right. It is sort of an unwritten understanding with my partner now that I "explore" myself on reddit, but I don't share any of the details. Perhaps there will come a stage where I'm more open about it.
    
16. Sometimes, I can imagine myself in a gay relationship, but there would be very specific parameters - I would be the submissive one. I would be expected to present as femme as often as possible. I would be the stereotypical "housewife" (cooking, baking, cleaning, being sexually ready at all times, nurturing the husband). Ideally, I would be in chastity 24/7, or have complete disregard toward my penis until it just learns to remain soft on its own (maybe still getting nocturnal emmisions at night). The idea of worshipping and submitting to his body gives me butterflies. And this is a BIG one --- if he knows how to treat me and our chemistry is right, I would maybe even allow him to kiss me.
    
17. As far as porn goes, I now watch different genres for different purposes. Lesbian porn: Imagining myself as one of the "girls" and the other girl is just like me. Genetically born a male, but identifies strongly as a "girl". I imagine that we are playing while Daddy is away or that we're just playing for his amusement. He never let's us orgasm unless he tells us to, and he makes sure that there is a strong, imprinting, humiliating aspect to our orgasms - so that each time, we go deeper into our roles and can no longer deny who we are. Trans porn: obviously imagining myself as the trans pornstar, being taken forcefully by a real man. Having no Fouts about my sexuality. Hypno porn: This pushes me past any of my self-doubt and encourages me to not only drop my defenses but also to accept my fate. Everything I fear, I learn to entertain and even embrace when I'm watching the right kind of hypno porn. Finally gay porn: if I have refrained from cumming for over two months, then my mind really goes to that "desperate" place. Ideally, one man is the Dom, and is masculine, but cute. Not the kind of man who "acts" manly, but just naturally is - confident, smart, strong, manipulative. The other male is the more femme type, but not overly. Still a male (not trans) - soft, gentle, body made to receive, ass is more like a pussy, no hesitation to kiss, to play with his own soft cock, to suck his own fingers while looking at his Daddy in the eyes, gripping onto his Daddys hips, pulling him closer, moaning his name, fully accepting his place.
    

Going forward: I would love to have both a female and male partner. Essentially, to be a cuck to my wife, and only allowed to please her with my mouth - never with my penis (unless after an instructed orgasm, knowing that I'd be too soft to be able to penetrate her). I would only be able to make love to him, and my wife would enjoy watching, and would taunt me, encouraging me to go deeper each time. I would sleep with her each night, wearing something soft and silky, and we may kiss or fondle, or she may get me to eat her out (even if Daddy's cum is inside her still). Some nights she would either sneak off into Daddy's bedroom to sleep with him, or just openly sleep there, leaving me in bed alone some nights. I would hear them making love, but I would be locked in chastity, unable to cum. I'm encouraged at all times to play with my ass (aka my pussy) with either my fingers, a dildo or butt plug, so as to keep me constantly ready and make sure I'm always aroused - and aware of feeling empty if something isn't inside of me at any given time.
I want to be in a safe, loving, encouraging and open relationship where everyone is happy and their needs are met. I'm not sure if I'd classify myself as bi or gay. Definitely not straight. The idea of exploring these limits are what gives me life.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Just a follow up on my previous post, finally graduated with our 8lb baby girl! She missed a Mother’s Day birth but was born on the 13th at 1pm. She was originally due may 18th.
My water broke at 9am on Mother’s Day morning with an audible “pop” and gush of fluid. Contractions started around 20 minutes later, roughly 1-10 minutes. As we live very rurally - around one hour from the hospital - we packed up and got there. They examined me and confirmed amniotic fluid and the contractions pattern was fairly slow — they recommended we stay close to town but to come back around 9pm, or whenever they ramped up.
So I waddled back to the car with a towel laid down and we went for a drive, went home, fed our cows, had something to each and made it back around 8:15.
By then my contractions were even slower, and as we were approaching the 24 hour mark of my water breaking, the doctor told me they’d like to induce - and that I’d really need an epidural. I am absolutely TERRIBLE with needles, and my anxiety was through the roof, so they offered me two Ativan to calm down and sit through it. I won’t lie, the epidural process was awful - after the freezing while finding the right spot, there was a big “zing” like I’d touched an electric fence which scared the hell out of me, but once it was placed it was pretty heavenly. Contractions stopped hurting, they did the IV in my hand and I was able to sleep. I slept all night no problems with my partner staying up, and sometime during the morning they did a cervical check and said I was at 10cm and ready to push.
I wasn’t prepared for how long this stage would take. All told, it was 4 hours — by the end where her head was so low, I was really starting to give up - my contractions were constant but short so I could only give one or two good pushes each one. My partner at my head really made it easier to get by, I just listened to him and the doctor and tuned everything else out. On the last push, I didn’t feel much but relief when her head was out except some tearing - and they had to manipulate her shoulders which hurt, but once she was out and quickly on my chest I heard my partner cry and it was all sheer relief.
We have had some issues getting her to drink but that’s partly me learning too.
All in all I’m totally in love and despite a difficult and long labour, it was positive and baby girl is healthy, strong and happy. She’s been so quiet and given me lots of time to sleep and recoup.
Just wanted to say thanks again to this sub for all the help over the last 39 weeks!

Recently I have been seeing a lot of posts about getting stuck at X weight, or “I cheated and now I am out of Ketosis.” So I wanted to share my journey with you and what has helped me go from where I was, 343 lbs at my heaviest, down to 280lbs as of this week the last time I weighed myself. Today I am lighter than I have been in over 15 years! I still have a long way to go, and my end goal is 200 lbs, because I want to be thin and attractive and I want people to respect me and not judge me because I am fat, just like you probably reading this right now. Well, I am here to try and help!
My journey started with an initial health scare from when I visited the doctor back in 2019, as you are all probably aware of, pre-diabetic, stage 3 fatty liver, ect… I had known about Keto diets in the past, when I was younger, the low carb diet at the time was Atkins, and I had used this diet before to keep my weight in check as I have always struggled with my weight, but that was back in my early 20s. My solution to fixing my health problems (and weight problem) was to go back on a ketogenic diet.
In 2019, I went through the struggle of getting my body in ketosis, dealt with keto flu, low energy, and was able to overcome those challenges and get on a good track of staying low carb. I managed to do this for about a year before I started to slip. It started with small slip ups here and there “a few Doritos wont hurt, its just a hand full.” “A small piece of cookie wont hurt.” Before I knew it (mid 2022), I was kicked out of Ketosis and craving high carb foods again and back into old eating habits. I went from 343 down to 283 then back up to 312 lbs, Darn! I was losing the battle...
Then in 2023, I started having health issues again, which I won’t go into details, and I wanted to get my health in check for good. What was needed, in my opinion, was a fundamental shift in the way I (we) view food. We need to look at food as an essential building block and an energy source for our body and get out of the mindset of looking at food for comfort and enjoyment. This is not an easy thing to do and is probably the hardest thing I have ever done next to getting an Engineering Degree, but if you can master this one thing, you will be hugely successful in your journey to losing the weight and being healthy.
Step 1: Small steps and Logging
My first piece of advice is start small. Yes, you are impatient and yes you want to be thin RIGHT NOW! I get it, but this won’t happen overnight. This is a long process that takes a long time. You are fighting an uphill battle. You are probably surrounded by people eating all kinds of high carb foods, you probably got that skinny friend/relative that can eat anything and stay thin (NOT FAIR! I totally get it..). The first thing I recommend is track absolutely everything you eat. Lose it is only $3 bucks/month (best money I ever spent). Do not try and diet yet, just track what you are eating. Eat a cookie? Log it! Eat an entire party bag potato chips? Hey don’t sweat it! But LOG IT! Get into the habit of logging absolutely everything you put into your body no matter what it is, and don’t judge yourself for your bad eating habits, don’t worry you and me, we are going to fix this together!
After about a week (maybe 2 weeks), make a small change… I was eating about 250 net grams of carbs per day, so I set a reasonable goal for the next week… Lets see if I can get that down to 150 net/day for a week. One week goes by, easily beat it! All it took was cutting some bread out of my diet as well as rice and potatoes. Next step, 100 net/day. Weeks goes by I was at 120 net/day. Darn! I tried my best, but next week, I’m going to do it! Next week goes by I was at 99 net/day. Yes! I did it I hit my goal. Let’s see if I can do it again and again. 2 more weeks go by, and I was down to 80 net/day without hardly trying. Then I lowered my goal to 50/day and that is when it started to get hard. Now I had to cut that slice of toast out of my diet with my morning eggs. I had to cut that bowl of rice out with my meat. I had to really start making some hard changes, and I wasn’t always successful during the first month. I went over and hit 60/day, but I kept at it, kept logging. Today I average 21 Net/day carbs (not too bad right). The best part about the second time I got myself into Ketosis, there was ZERO side effects. No keto flu. I did have electrolyte imbalances for a while but was easily fixed with upping potassium and adding more salt to my food.
The key here is set reasonable goals for yourself that you know you can beat, you wont always be successful, but keep at it. Breaking bad habits is hard, but if you keep logging, and you keep at your goals, eventually you will break it!
Step 2: Eat only nutrient dense foods
This goes back to looking at food as building blocks and energy for your body, make sure every food you eat is to fulfil a specific nutrient requirement. You need more potassium, eat more kale/spinach, need to get your vitamin D up, eat some smoked salmon. Over time, your taste buds will change, and you will start really enjoying the foods you are eating. I absolutely LOVE kale now!
Also, this includes keto-friendly foods like bacon. I do not eat bacon. There is almost no nutritional value in eating it, so why eat it? Eat some steak instead.
If I eat a food with Carbs, it will be a very nutrient dense food and because my body needs those nutrients. What kind of foods am I talking about? Here are some examples:
73% + or more cocoa chocolate
Berries (strawberries for example)
Lemons/limes
Nuts and seeds of all kinds.
All kinds of vegetables like broccoli, spinach, kale, Peppers, Onions
The Key to staying in ketosis when you are consuming foods with carbs is moderation. Yes that 70% chocolate has sugar in it, but I eat one square MAX per day. That one piece of chocolate has 4.7 grams of net carbs and 2 grams of fiber. There is plenty of room in my daily carb limit to allow for it. As long as my weekly average total carb intake stays under 25 grams/day, I am good (my personal set goal).
Step 3: NO CHEAT DAYS!!!
Once you are in the groove, and you got your carb intake to your set goals, be EXTREMELY strict with food intake. Allow for ZERO cheat days and have a ZERO tolerance policy on any "empty carb" food. What do I mean by empty carb? any food that is high in carbs and has no nutritional value, like cookies, chips, ice-cream ect... Cheating will get you kicked out of ketosis and is the path back to bad eating habits and putting the weight back on and that is exactly what happened to me! Just don’t do it. We are not eating for comfort anymore; we are eating because our bodies need this specific nutrient. This is the goal.
Step 4: Fasting
You don’t need to do this right away, make sure you get yourself into the habit of logging, and eating foods that are nutrient dense and make sure your body is in ketosis first. Like with before, don’t try and jump headfirst into fasting, take small steps and build on it every week. Start with a shorter duration fast once per week, for 12 hours, then increase slowly until you hit 18 hours. The end goal here is twice per week for a minimum of 18 hours. If you get hungry and you cant do it, don’t beat yourself up over it, its hard! Your body will fight you and want you to eat. Try again the next week with your set goals. Just make sure you are eating those nutrient dense foods we talked about above. As your body becomes more and more fat adapted, this will get easier and easier.
I am currently fasting for 24 hours on Mondays and Tuesdays. Monday morning I eat 2 fried eggs and drink my coffee with half and half then fast until Tuesday morning. Then on Tuesday morning, I will eat 2 fried eggs and that same coffee without eating until Wednesday morning. It is currently Tuesday and I have not eaten since this morning. I won’t eat until tomorrow morning.
To prep your body for long fasts that will allow your body to eat itself with ease is making sure you are LOADED with TONS of nutrients, (remember step 2?). Saturday and Sunday are prep days for that fast. I eat dark leafy greens, like Kale, and Spinach, cheesy broccoli I make myself, peppers, ect... I eat lots of nuts and seeds, Walnuts, pecans, brazil nuts, peanut butter, steak, Smoked raw salmon. I will eat a little bit more than my metabolic rate, about 200 calories more (2500 cal). I also generously salt everything so that I am around 4000 MG for the day. This will load your body with potassium, magnesium, and sodium. Then I go into my fast on Monday. Perfect for me since I need to be at work on Monday and Tuesday.
If you do this, when you go into your fast, you will have plenty of nutrients/electrolytes for your body to just eat your own fat off your body. You probably wont even feel hungry for many hours on end, but if you do get hungry, drink lemon in water, or apple cider vinegar to suppress your hunger.
Now, the key to coming out of your fast is to NOT over-eat. Eat VERY SLOWLY (I cannot emphasize this enough). Take bites, chew, put your fork down, wait 10-30 seconds after you swallow, then take another bite. Eat high fat foods like cheese, eggs, peanut butter. This will help you feel satiated. Try and keep your first meal out of a fast at around 1000 calories.
Step 5: Exercise
Try and add exercise into your weekly routine and this will help you lose the weight even faster, but is not necessary to lose the weight. Exercise is really good for you anyway. For me personally, I picked up swimming (I swim 2 miles 3x per week now), and I feel great afterwards, all those endorphins! So why not?
Step 6: For life!
What do I mean for life? What I mean is that you need to view keto as a for life plan. The key to staying healthy is eating healthy. So why ever go back to your old way of eating? On this diet, I feel great, my libido is way up and I have tons of energy to do things! I want to go outside and work on my car! I want to go to the gym. When you are eating healthy, you will feel amazing, you will have moments of euphoria, you will be happy, you will have an amazing sex life! That guy/girl you like at the gym will notice you. You will no longer be ignored! You will also be smarter, your mental clarity will be better than ever, you will be able to focus on your goals!
Final piece of advice: You will fail… yes you will fail at your goals over and over again, I still fail my goals once in a while. Last week I had a day where I went up to 30 net/day carbs and ate 2600 calories (DARN!), but I didn’t give up! I wont give up! Sometimes you will slip, but as long as you set reasonable goals for yourself and tighten those goals solely over time, and you keep at it, you will be successful in the long run, and you will get the weight off! Don’t focus on the scale, but focus on getting into healthy eating habits, focus on exercising and I promise you, the weight will come off!

NSFW Warning
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.

I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old. The toddler is in daycare full time and I dread the weekends or days when the daycare is closed and feel absolutely awful about it. I used to look forward to them prior to the baby's arrival. I loved to spend time with the toddler and I missed her terribly when I was at work. If I could have been a SAHM with just her, I would. She is a great little girl and so much fun to be around. Yes, she is exhausting but not in a bad way. Now, I feel so overwhelmed when they are both at home even though I get a lot of help from my husband and my mom. I am a lot more irritable and impatient with her and I feel like she gets ignored a lot more. Whenever it is just me and her doing something like old times, I love it, but I find it really stressful to manage the baby and her when they are both together. I miss my toddler and I feel like I am failing her in some way. I have the baby in a carrier, but I find it so physically challenging and cumbersome to run around or play on the floor with the toddler while having a 12 lbs baby strapped to me. It kills my back and pelvis (which is a issue that was re-aggravated with the second pregnancy).
The baby is sweet and cute (though not a good sleeper), but at least I spend a lot of time with him during the week. Having said that, I am not a fan of the baby stage (I didn't enjoy it with my daughter either). I know it will get better in a year, but that's a long time to dread weekends. I just hope my toddler will be ok until I get the hang of this.
Parents with 2 kids...was your oldest ok in the long run while baby got more manageable?

There are two kinds of miracles:
* An extremely lucky event, like winning the lottery or someone who survives a serious car crash with just a few bruises. The chances are slim but still naturally possible. Its not really a miracle, but still amazing.
* A supernatural/magical event that is otherwise 100% impossible. These only happened in the stories, like splitting the red sea and walking on water. There is no chance for this happening naturally, not with our current scientific knowledge. This is what a real miracle is supposed to be.
Did the Quran have any of these two types of miracles? Lets take a look at a few of them:
https://rationalreligion.co.uk/9-scientific-miracles-of-the-quran/
1) The Big Bang?
Do not the disbelievers see that the heavens and the earth were a closed-up mass (ratqan), then We opened them out? And We made from water every living thing. Will they not then believe?
Quran 21:31
Did it require a supernatural event to come up with the idea that the heavens and earth were once as one?
The fact is the ancient Babylonians already believed that the heavens and the earth were one before it was split up: https://www.britannica.com/topic/creation-myth/Creation-by-world-parents
The chance that Mohammad has heard of this myth disqualifies this from being a miracle. Besides, the assumption that life was made from water is completely wrong. Because the DNA comprises of atoms other than hydrogen and oxygen. So no the verse is not miraculous.
2) Expansion of the Universe?
And We have built the heaven with might and We continue to expand it indeed.
Quran 51:48
The Universe as we know it today is modern knowledge. When people of long ago spoke of the heavens they were referring to the sun, moon, stars and the clouds. The movement of the clouds would have given the idea that the heavens are expanding. There is nothing extremely lucky nor supernatural about this. So no the verse is not miraculous.
3) Evolution?
“What is the matter with you that you do not ascribe dignity to Allah? And certainly he has created you in stages… And Allah has raised you from the Earth like the raising of vegetation.”
Quran 71; 15-16, 18
Was Mohammad talking about the modern concept of evolution, or the painfully obvious fact that the human life cycles goes through different stages: infancy, childhood, puberty, adulthood, old age. Likely the latter. There is nothing extremely lucky nor supernatural about this. So no the verse is not miraculous.
4) Embryology?
“Verily, We created man from an extract of clay; Then We placed him as a drop of sperm in a safe depository. Then we fashioned the sperm into a clot; then We fashioned the clot into a shapeless lump; then We fashioned bones out of this shapeless lump; then We clothed the bones with flesh; then We developed it into another creation. So blessed be Allah, the Best of creators.”
Qur’an 23:13-15
No we are not made from clay, and no the Sperm is not a person ("him"). But people long ago mistakenly thought that we were all made from sperm and thats it. No one had any idea about the woman's egg. So contrary to a miracle, this verse was actually quite ignorant.
5) Pegs?
“Have We not made the earth a bed, And the mountains as pegs?”
Qur’an 78:7-8
We all know there is a peg when there is something sticking out of the ground. And that is how mountains appear, a gigantic thing protruding from the surface. Can easily be imagined as a peg. There is nothing surprising about this, not a miracle of any type.

The rest in the list are more nonsense.
________
The Quran Challenge:
Or do they say: "He (Muhammad SAW) has forged it?" Say: "Bring then a Surah (chapter) like unto it, and call upon whomsoever you can, besides Allah, if you are truthful!" [Yūnus, 38]
Challenge has been met:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_True_Furqan
The problem is, its all subjective. So there is no way to judge which is better.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Rose Glass directs a pulp movie with veins, a non-random term, fantasy, the ditch is immediately framed which evokes Lou's dark past and the place where his father hides his crimes, with a camera movement we first go into the depth of the ditch which then flow into the starry sky thus playing between low and high, descent and ascent, it is no coincidence that a shooting star is shown from the sky which symbolizes the beginning of the story but also the dreams and desires of Lou and Jackie. Through an alternating montage, the loneliness of both protagonists is shown until their meeting. Lou is a lesbian girl who runs a gym, she hates her father who is involved in illegal weapons trafficking, her mother has disappeared and the only reason she doesn't leave her hometown is because she wants to try to protect her sister Bet. Jackie also has a traumatic family past, she was adopted and dreams of becoming a bodybuilder, a dream not supported by her family. The film is therefore a suburban story, the chemistry between Lou and Jackie works and Rose Glass does not portray its characters as positive. The dynamic is beautiful where Jackie asks Lou to leave together, why Lou has never moved from her city and the following scene shows the two girls are having lunch together with Beth and the latter's boyfriend, J.J. The direction makes it clear that the reason why Lou doesn't move is Bet, wanting to protect her from J.J. who beats her up, in fact Beth is always shown with bruises and wounds, all of which will then also be made explicit both in gestures and words. The love between Lou and Jackie is sincere, the film shows their intimacy, however Lou's family situation will degenerate, involving the two girls and despite the mutual affection of the protagonists, the narrative shows mistakes, Lou still invites Jackie to take steroids to try to make her win the bodybuilder competition and subsequently she will carry out controversial acts and Jackie herself will be guilty of crimes. The competition sequence of the bodybuilder competition is well done, games of focus, the lights that start to move, the depth of field is removed, the suit to sensorially alter the dynamics and Rose Glass is noticeable that it comes from the genre, it has no hesitations in showing surreal touches and moments as he had already done for Saint Maud. The staging is good, there are single shots almost reminiscent of cosmic horror, the dark sky at night is very visible and there is a strong use of the color red which also appears in small details from scene to scene. The red clearly evokes blood, there is no shortage of direct shots totally surrounded by the color red but also moments of almost horror-like violence. The film begins at night just like Jackie's journey, the moments in the car, of movement, are at night and therefore shrouded in darkness as is the story of the two girls, the return from Las Vegas is emblematic, where the race for bodybuilders, where the horizon is totally black. In the finale, the car journey will instead be at dawn to mark the new beginning. The above-mentioned play of perspective between high and low is very present in the film, the shots from above also symbolize the various references to the film's destiny and the shots from below, especially on Jackie, are clues to what will happen, the showing the Gulliver cartoon on television which is a very strong signal for what will happen. In fact, you can also read the film as a sort of birth of anti-heroines, perhaps some will turn up their noses, but personally I appreciate when you dare even in these terms. Yes, it is a film that wants to tell a lot, the relationship between Lou and Jackie, Lou's family dynamic with his sister and father, Jacke's broken dream and not everything is fully centered, even in Saint Maud for example some references to the protagonist's past they were a little fast, just as some moments could have been better managed, for example there is a reaction from Lou's father that is a little too comical. However, the core of the film is spot on, the direction is good as is the narration between Lou and Jackie who are the fulcrum of the film, the final scene with flashes of black comedy that seals the birth of the two anti-heroines, both in fact they fulfill each other's narrative arc, where their actions and reactions, even when excessive and controversial, are well motivated

For Surinamese millennials and/or early Gen-Zs the 2010-2017/18 era songs and musical styles played an important role in shaping them and are so called "core memories".
The music of this era doesn't have one particular genre. The styles are blends of styles that would be similar to RnB, Reggae, Zouk, Soca, Pop, Dance-pop, Alternative Hip Hop, Rap, Aleke (maroon genre), Baithak Gana/Chutney etc.
Remarkable of these songs is that Surinamese artists try experimenting more with Dutch in their songs. This is not common in Surinamese music, because we use more local languages in our songs.
It definitely was also an era music that also boosted a national pride with the youth. It was a time where Suriname was doing economically well after years of being on the poor side.
Each artist has their own style, so I'll try to list them per artist or group:

1. Damaru (pop, surinamese-pop and a bit of reggae); it started all with this guy and his famous single "mi rowsu":
   1. Damaru - Mi Rowsu
      1. Worth mentioning is this version of the song that became popular in Suriname and the Netherlands: Damaru & Jan Smit - Mi Rowsu (Tuintje In Mijn Hart)
   2. Damaru & Booster - Schatje Lief
2. Mighty Youth (RnB, pop, zouk, rap);
   1. The Mighty Youth ft. Enver - Bomikie
   2. The Mighty Youth - Vibes
3. Suri All Starz or one of their individual artists (pop, hip hop, Soca, Zouk):
   1. SURINAME - Suri All Starz by I Love SU; this was an iconic one that is still played at big events
   2. The Suri All Starzz - Zover; this one has some Zouk-pop elements and maybe a bit of a reggae guitar in it.
   3. Su pon di wine, Danitsia Sahadewsing (Suri All Starzz); their soca-suriname brassband style song
4. Poppe, Colonel, Lodiliki, Enver, Donavey (reggae, pop, rap, rock, alternative hip hop); these songs usually have a hidden message:
   1. Lodilikie ft. Enver - No onderschat mi [OFFICIAL VIDEO]; THIS A BOP! This was especially popular with boys. We all felt like tiny "gangsters" and also tried to see who could rap the "fastest" (in Dutch and Aukan) and if we also could sing the Aukan parts. Every radio station played this song. Play this song at a party nowadays and everyone might recite this song by heart.
   2. Poppe x Damaru x Donavey - Hard om te zeggen; BOP!!! We used to sing this in harmony by heart in the school bus, especially the chorus.
   3. Poppe x Fenomeen - Bla bla; A BOP! Poppe her songs always have a message.
   4. Colonel - Grafsteen [OFFICIAL VIDEO]; this guy is quite famous in France nowadays. His songs also had messages
   5. Luku fa yu dong- Enver; BOP! A rap/song about broken heart.
   6. Colonel ft. Jayh - Gek op Jou (zouk, pop); BOP!!!!! They other guy Jayh is a Curaçaoan guy.
5. Ztreetzoldierz (zouk, RnB, pop, soca, kaseko and maybe even a bit of chutney, rap and hip hop):
   1. Snoepje - Ztreetzoldierz ft Mixey; BOP! Brings back fun memories of school and the schoolbus.
   2. Ztreetzoldierz & Mixey - Na mi moni pai fing
   3. Ztreetzoldierz Hinderdaad
6. Kenny B (reggae, zouk); Kenny B is one of Suriname's iconic and greatest sons. Everyone loves him. He has a few great hits, but his most famous ones are:
   1. KENNY B. & BENAISSA - Yu Faya; A BOP! We used to sing this in the school bus every day almost.
   2. Kenny B & Jeffrey Spalburg - Paramaribo-o-o; BOP, BOP, BOP!!! HANDS DOWN! This song overall is popular with Surinamese of all ages.
   3. Kenny B - Parijs
   4. Kenny B and Tekisha - Tjaipi Lobi [official video]; BOP!
   5. Kenny B ft Tequisha Abel - Nex ne tai
7. Scrappy W (rap, alternative hip hop); Scrappy W rapped and sang mostly about the things in our society that are seen slightly taboo and racist or discriminative, but in a comical way and showing that we should step away from those mindsets.
   1. SCRAPPY W - DIKKE VROUWEN; the name of the song is "fat women"
   2. Scrappy W - Super Saamaka; a song about his experiences as a Saramaccan Maroon and stereotypes in our society on maroons. He uses the term Dyuka a lot for example. A word other Surinamese use derogatory to refer to maroons.
   3. Scrappy W - Yvette; about experiences of a young guy in school who wants to do his best in school and how a girl wants him, sexually harasses him and how the police reacts and how it feels as a teen to be in that position and have no one listen to you or to go to.
8. Others that had great and popular hits (some of you might even recognize certain beats):
   1. HORI YU - KAYENTE FT. SPITSO STREZZ 2FAMOUSCRW (PROD.SLCTBTS) (zouk, dance-pop, Dutch dance-pop)
   2. DJOEGOE DJOEGOE - Selecta Ft. Kayente (2FAMOUSCRW) (Surinamese style Chuntey, pop, zouk(?))
   3. Kayente & Baby FT. T.I.K. - Tamara; My Latin friends in the sub will know this beat as there is a song with this exact beat. This one however has elements of Surinamese genres.
   4. KAYENTE & KURUPA - KIRIKHAIBANA (Official Music Video) (kaseko, Amerindian genres)

As mentioned, this period brought back a feeling of national pride. Many songs were also a reason for this. The I Love SU brand also sponsored a few of these songs that were great hits.

1. The Suriname song by Suri All StarZ was one of them, and the Paramaribo song by Kenny B too.
2. Audrey Bakrude & Enver & Kolonel - I Love Su; BOP! This song has elements of house, dance and pop.
3. Damaru - Suriname; This song is so iconic and was such a great hit, that even foreign vloggers that visit use this in their videos.

Nowadays other songs dominate the stage. Most of these artists have other jobs too. Some became music producers, movie makers, one became a flight attendant, one a fireman etc. So, I hope you enjoy the styles of the iconic 2010's. Also, have you heard any of these songs before?

Edit: If you are going to comment on the length of this post, please don't. This is not a simple snark but rather an actual critical think piece about feminism and Taylor Swift.

Introduction

Pertaining to Taylor Swift, "Female Rage" has deviated from its intended meaning after Swift debuted a new performance of The Tortured Poets Department during the Eras Tour. Now, according to Swift's use of the phrase, female rage is interpreted as public backlash against Swift's dating choices rather than as a response to the broader injustices against women and women's rights. This post examines Taylor Swift's flawed feminism, philanthropy, branding, and the controversial trademark petition for the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical". Swift's background as an entertainer, indeterminate politics, and alignment with capitalism over feminism pervades her legacy, again threatening her public tolerance as not just an individual but as a brand.

Once Upon a Female Rage...

If you were cognizant in the early 2010's, you've heard countless jabs at Taylor Swift in the media. Magazines, radio, or online. Music critics did not take her seriously as a songwriter; parents put a woman on an unrealistic pedestal as the ideal role model for their children; she dated too much and used men as lyrical fodder. No matter the story, it inevitably spread, conjoined with everyone's respective opinions, and you'd be left to wonder, "Why does everyone hate this girl so much?"
Taylor's target demographic has always been young or adolescent girls, more so when Swift herself was one. She made music that spoke to the awkward misfit, cultivating a para-social relationship with fans on MySpace, then later twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, where Taylor posted relatable vlogs showcasing the life of a homegrown American girl. Taylor had a delayed public "growing up" and, compared to her female pop contemporaries, Swift never "gratuitously sexualized her image and seems pathologically averse to controversy" (and, apparently, never even had a sip of alcohol until she turned 21). She was more than happy to spin this narrative to allude to an inherent moral superiority above other women in the industry (Better Than Revenge, heard of it?), engaging in the very slut-shaming that she herself endured (the Madonna and Whore archetypes). The victim complex arose with the need to prove Taylor as a different type of pop girl. Based upon her holy and clean image, Swift had been dubbed "a feminist's nightmare", and that "[To Swift] other girls are obstacles; undeserving enemies who steal Taylor’s soulmates with their bewitching good looks and sexual availability." Feminism and Tennessee-Christian country values don't exactly mix, it seems.
Years later, Swift befriended Lena Dunham and thus experienced white feminism osmosis, where Dunham taught Swift that real feminists defend rapists, makes insensitive jokes about rape and abortion, and prioritize all-white casts. Swift then declared herself a feminist in 2014, saying,

"Becoming friends with Lena – without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for – has made me realize that I’ve been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

I suppose the male-centric songwriting subject that permeates Swift's discography contained covert feminism and that we just didn't see that. Perhaps, the "Bad Blood" song and music video were written only in jest and not about poor Katy Perry, for Swift, as a feminist, would "never make it a girl fight" or tear other women down (though all Katy did was date your terrible ex-boyfriend and allegedly steal three backup dancers from your tour). In 2013, Swift said, in response to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's joke towards her serial dating, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."
There was that time in 2015 Taylor said that Nicki Minaj was "invited to any stage [she is] on" (as if Taylor expects to have access to every stage, award, and platform that Nicki might not otherwise have as a black female artist...yikes!) in response to Nicki's criticism of the white + thin VMA nominations. Later, Nicki responded with confusion, as Swift continued, "It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..". Of course, this 'beef' was 'squashed' when Nicki performed with Taylor at the VMAs, with Nicki quite literally only having 38 seconds of stage time without Taylor. Maybe all that parading around with a legion of famous white women - similar to the way Taylor might've done with her numerous 1989-era handbags - was in fact a stance against gender inequality, and that this display of "girl power" should be enough to constitute Swift as a feminist icon.
Even while Swift says that Dunham informed her feminist outlook, she dances around the exact contents of those beliefs: "what she believes, what she says, what she stands for" is not exactly insightful towards what beliefs Swift might have inherited. Taylor never broaches women's rights topics such femicide, FGM, forced pregnancy & marriage, sex trafficking, women in slavery, women's financial and political oppression, women's educational rights, women's health, or women's autonomy, so we can assume she only gives a fuck about "girls supporting girls" (whatever that fucking means).
Despite some questionable (and sometimes vindictive) behavior, Taylor as a young woman did not deserve every media lashing that she received. We cannot deny that most headlines and criticisms perpetuated a misogynistic rhetoric which has plagued Swift for a majority of her career. Acknowledging events such as the development of her ED, her sexual assault trial, "Famous" lyric and MV depiction of Taylor, and the explicit Twitter deepfakes, for example, as both disgusting and unfortunate things that happened to a young woman in Hollywood does not negate the fact that Taylor is mostly a performative feminist.

Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Be a Philanthropist, It Seems Like Nobody Wants to Be a Philanthropist These Days

In 2013, Taylor Swift cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the Taylor Swift Education Center at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tennessee. The donation amount - $4 million - was the largest individual artist gift ever donated to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is, of course, mentioned on Swift's website. The two-story facility features three classrooms, an instrument room, and an interactive children's exhibit gallery. Swift also performed at "All for the Hall" charity shows and has donated numerous artifacts from her career (such as notable guitars, tour costumes, etc) to the museum.
This was over 11 years ago, and it is still the only notable philanthropic contribution Taylor Swift has made.
For a woman of her net worth and stature, and a woman who recognizes the difficulties for women in film and music, you would think that Taylor Swift might establish a scholarship program for women to study the arts or something. Perhaps Swift might even consider becoming a member of organizations that support female artists, or one that supports LGBTQ+ causes (since she is now proudly an ally), yet she remains superficial with her graces. Broader philanthropy, such as donating relief aid to Palestinian women or women impacted by violence and discrimination will probably never receive any financial support from Miss Swift because then she'd be using her money towards philanthropies involving anyone but white entertainers.
She even says herself in Miss Americana, "My entire moral code as a kid and now is a need to be thought of as 'good'." Well, she's certainly thought of as good, though her actions say otherwise. She's more than happy to do a vaguely altruistic song and dance for a clip-worthy interview quote and mass appeasement, then fuck off to one of her mansions on a 20 minute private jet flight, rather than actually contribute to anything pertaining to the causes she has endorsed. Yet, far too many people continue to give a woman such as her their money, time, and energy, and she hoards these resources to herself.

I Like Some of the Taylor's Songs, But What the Fuck Does She Know About Feminism?

Swift continued with her self-proclaimed feminist campaign, positioning herself as a political activist and LGBTQ+ ally in the Miss Americana documentary. The primary focus of the documentary consists of the sexual assault trial, Andrea Swift's cancer diagnosis, Taylor's ED and body dysmorphia, media scrutiny, and, largely, finally speaking up about her politics publicly, mostly her opposition to the 2018 Tennessee Republican senate candidate, Marsha Blackburn, and Blackburn's beliefs. Swift says, following a scene discussing her experience during the trial,

"I just couldn't really stop thinking about it. And I just thought to myself, next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you had better know what you stand for and what you want to say."

We must ask ourselves, though: when has Swift ever spoken up to change anything? Okay, pulling her entire catalogue from Spotify because they didn't pay their artists enough and similarly pulling her catalogue from Apple Music are changes that she leveraged due to her revenue potential and power, but they are not pertinent to the average woman's rights. Moreover, these are issues that directly impacted Taylor's income, which was enough reason for her to protest in the first place. Swift has sold the most units for a female artist in first week sales, is the first female artist with 100k monthly Spotify listeners, is the first female artist to win the Album of the Year Grammy 4 times, and is the first female artist to do X, Y, and Z, all while being inoffensive and family-friendly to boot. The actual Taylor Swift seems unwilling to compromise the brand of Taylor Swift by contributing in meaningful ways to feminist causes, especially if it is for women outside of America and Hollywood.
The reason political anthems such as "The Man" and "Only the Young" of the Lover era feel disingenuous and corporate is because, well, it is. Taylor has taken every opportunity to advance her career or public image at the expense of other women. What is truly genuine to Taylor's outlook on other women is vying for male attention, taking down female competition, and vocalizing feminist injustices only if they directly impact her and her money. Some will argue that it's satisfactory for a woman with such a huge platform to even TALK about feminism, but that just isn't enough. It's even less impressive when you candidly look at the scope of her feminist lens: "If I was the man, then I'd be THE MAN", or "I really resent the ‘Be careful, buddy, she’s going to write a song about you’ angle, because it trivialises what I do", and, of course, "We all got crowns". Feminism, but only when it happens to me. It gets worse when you look at Taylor's track record of copying other famous women and removing other female artists as potential threats to her pop prowess.
It's good for PR to align yourself with certain blanket feminist and political beliefs, therefore good for branding, therefore good for ticketing and merchandise sales, therefore good for business. And Taylor Swift is a business.
She's not a feminist. Taylor Swift is a capitalist.

I Can't Pay Those Sweatshop Workers a Livable Wage or Benefits! How Else Would I Make My Billions?

Recently, Taylor's team filed to trademark the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical" after Taylor said during Paris N1 of the Eras Tour,

"So you were the first ones to see The Tortured Poets at the Eras Tour...or as I like to call it, 'Female Rage: The Musical'."

This trademark petition was filed last week on Saturday, and news comes about just as numerous unofficial fan-made merch designs have cropped up with this phrase plastered on Fruit of the Loom basics. I'm of the opinion Swift's team motioned for a trademark so that they can send out cease & desists to all those that make knockoff merch, which disrupts potential sales for Bravado, UMG's choice merchandising company; however, since it was filed earlier, perhaps Swift has bigger plans with the bizarre use of the gendered phrase. One Swiftie referred to the phrase "female rage" as "a funny Eras Tour joke". Could it be a possible fourth version of the Eras Tour Movie? Whatever the reason, the motion to capitalize off of such a concept is disgusting, but not unsurprising, for a woman that profits on her vain feminism.
Swift, through her company, TAS Rights Managements, has also trademarked over 200 phrases, including "1989", where she owns the property rights to this calendar year on keychains, phone cases, sunglasses, stationary, bags, beverage ware, clothing, entertainment services, your subconscious, and, of course, Christmas ornaments.
The vapid consumerism in Swiftie culture is, frankly, disgusting. Bravado's sustainability statement is non-existent, the quality control is abysmal, and the materials they use are horrible. The materials, such as acrylic and polyester, are made from petrochemicals. This means they are non-renewable, shed microplastics, and are quite toxic in production. The manufacturing process to make all of those lazy-rushed Eras Tour logo graphic tees is a huge blow to environmental well-being. Apparently, though, Swifties don't give a fuck. They sell out products in seconds and either have to face the manufactured scarcity or buy from a scalper that resells for 200% of the already ridiculous retail price. This doesn't include the environmental impact of vinyl records, CD, and cassette production, of which Taylor produces many variants that sell unsustainable amounts.
If we're talking about women's rights violations, why is no one acknowledging the women that work in the inhumane sweatshop conditions that have to pump out fugly t-shirts and hats? The millions of plastic microfiber dander they are inhaling, or the toxic dyes that touch their bare skin? Are they being compensated fairly for their skilled labour and are they in safe working environments? Do these women have minimal bargaining power, and do they have authority over their worker's rights? Is Taylor Swift female raging at their injustices? Does Taylor Swift ever feels bad that her wealth was built on the backs of women of color, disadvantaged by the demands of the global economy and garment industry? Do you think she ever says a little white feminist prayer for them before she goes to sleep at night?
What's even crazier is not that Taylor herself doesn't care, it's that Swifties don't care. There CANNOT BE ethical billionaires. You only make a billion dollars if you are exploiting other human beings for capital gain. Based on public perception of the possible "Female Rage: The Musical" trademark, it seems like Swifties are already asking for merch with this phrase. "If Taylor made it, I'd buy it." Oh, cool. So not only do you champion Miss Swift's avarice and billionaire status, but you also are unashamed to admit to your blind consumption of her music and merchandise, no matter where they might originate in production or sincerity. Just as Swift takes and takes and takes, Swifties' consumerism of Taylor Swift cannot be quelled.
The tortured artist's most vulnerable and sincere poetry...available now in 21 different versions!

I Am Tortured Poet, Hear Me Whinge

Look - even if Taylor's intention is to characterize TTPD as more "tortured" and "angry", the main thread of the album is "I was ghosted by my decade-long situationship with a controversial indie boy and my fucking stupid fans wrote a 'Speak Up Now' open letter prompting me to drop him" anger, which is adequately expressed in the lyrics and performances. The extent of Taylor's "female rage" on TTPD is on tracks such as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?", which contends with relentless media scrutiny; "But Daddy I Love Him", where Swift firmly states she'll date whoever she likes no matter how "Sarahs and Hannahs" may react; and "The Albatross", a track mythologizing her reputation and the consequences of dating her. Of course, these coincide with deep psychological wounds that formed during Swift's early years in the media, and so, from her feminist perspective, these subjects tackle the misogyny and double standards that she faced.
Yet Taylor Swift still has no grounds to be claiming that TTPD best exemplifies female rage and therefore she, in the context of this album, is female rage incarnate. As the daughter of a stock broker and mutual fund marketing executive, Taylor was born into wealth and allowed privileges like trips and subsequent relocation to Nashville all so that she might get a record deal. Her father even invested at least $120,000 into the then-fledgling label, Big Machine Records, which ensured Taylor's place with Borchetta after leaving her dead-end development deal with Sony. The fact that her parents were able to buy her a fucking brand new guitar for Christmas and pay for music lessons says so much about the financial security and safety of her childhood.
Money is privilege and protection, and despite Swift's experiences with misogyny and loser boyfriends, she does not know what female rage is.
Her rage is derived from her frustrations with her obsessive fans pulling the moral superiority card on Taylor in response to her rebound with Matty Healy. That's literally it. She's just pissed that the monster she created is no longer obediant, it's become a feral, sovereign entity that depletes the world of its natural resources and thinks it is more intelligent than it actually is because it's mommy has started to talk to it with big words. Apparently, 'illicit', 'elegy', 'nonchalant', and 'precocious' are considerably big words for the oafish monster, and I find it strange that this level of literacy is present in a group of fans that allegedly have GPAs of 3.5 or higher, but I digress.
Taylor Swift has never been one paycheck away from destitution. Taylor Swift has never experienced racial discrimination. She may have instances of gender discrimination, but she possesses the ideal white, blonde American beauty standard and therefore reaps the benefits of being a conventionally attractive woman. Taylor Swift has sufficient social capital. Taylor Swift is a billionaire woman prolonging her victimhood though she, as a woman, has mostly had control over her image and music (unlike her contemporaries). Taylor Swift is NOT entitled to be championed for her "female rage", nor should she be. Taylor Swift has never even been the struggling artist, for fuck's sake. I don't give a fuck if she's trying to fill the empty lunch tables of her past. Taylor Swift purporting herself, her unpolished album, and her lukewarm feminism as a musical bleeding with female rage is asinine.

Sigh Try and Come For My Job, Poors

Out there in the world right now is a 23-year-old woman, a recent college grad, who works as a barista. She has to wake up and get ready to go into a minimum wage job because she cannot get a job in her field. She doesn't have healthcare benefits or sick time, so she has to go into work no matter how she's feeling. All day long she is berated by vicious customers and creepy men, and, exhausted from being on her feet, she knows she has to go home to her shitty roommate that never does the dishes and her roommate's shitty dog. To comfort herself, she considers getting a treat, but thinks against it when she remembers that matcha lattes cost $15 and they taste like milky dirt. She knows that she needs to buy groceries this week, and so the woman resolves to go home, but notices that her gas tank is low. She goes to put gas in the car, but the pump stops at $27.86 because that's all that she has in her checking account. The woman, bereft and reeling, sinks into the driver's seat. "Well," she thinks, her head in her hands, "at least I don't have Taylor Swift's job. I just couldn't imagine."
Fame is somewhat of a choice. If at any moment Taylor feels that she is misunderstood, misconstrued, or overwhelmed by public opinion, she can LEAVE the public eye - Lord knows she has the retirement fund and residuals to do so. In "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart", the TTPD song about meeting the demands of your career-zenith mega-tour while in the relationship trenches, Taylor ends the song by rambling,

"You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart...you know you're good...and I'm good, cause I'm miserable, and no one even knows!...try and come for my job."

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't know, you recently passed the billionaire threshold and are the most famous and in-demand performer in the world right now. Taylor Swift makes an estimated $10 to $13 million dollars A NIGHT on the Eras Tour. Furthermore, the Eras Tour movie grossed $261.6 million globally, (which, as the producer, Taylor takes home 57% of the ticket sales) not counting the streaming revenue from Amazon Prime Video and the estimated $75 million deal that Disney paid to have it on Disney+. We're not even considering the income from cheap plastic popcorn buckets and drink cups plastered with colored squares in her Era-specific likeness.
It's funny. Taylor Swift often said that being famous wasn't hard, that she "isn't complaining". I'm sure it is difficult to always have to present in a good mood, else you'll end up misrepresented in the media, and I'm sure it's invasive to virtually have no privacy or semblance of anonymity. Still, Taylor Swift shows up each night of tour and performs. For a majority of her career, she has penned her sad songs while on the road. Most of "Red", her breakup album, was written in the thick of the Speak Now World tour. Now, some Swifties say they almost "feel bad" for attending the Eras Tour with Swift's revelations in this song, that they have had a 'dimmed experience' upon hearing Taylor's misery whilst performing. Despite the fact that Taylor said that "this was the happiest she's ever been" at Gilette Stadium in May, the lyrics "boohoo, woe is me, smile for the cameras and make the fans happy!!!" are jarring for Eras attendees.
While Taylor Swift was making double-digit millions a night in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and feeling miserable, Ana Clara Benevides Machado passed away due to heat exposure. The concert promoters, Time For Fun, are now the subject of a criminal investigation due to their lack of adequate hydration and safety. Taylor Swift cancelled the Sunday show that was to follow and offered VIP tent tickets to Benevides Marchado's family, which was a kind gesture, but perhaps incongruous to the incident of which they were offered as consolation. Everyone grieves differently, of course, but I'm not sure attending the very show at the very same venue that my daughter or sister passed away in two days prior, where the singer CONTINUED the show despite her death, would be healthy for closure.
There was no female rage at the show as Swift never saw Benevides Machado pass out. There was no female rage towards the disregard for fans as humans while Swift elected to proceed with her Brazil tour dates despite the country being in historic heatwaves (at risk of overheatting herself). If Taylor Swift was so shaken by touring with a broken heart or a fan's passing, she wouldn't have added an additional North American leg of Eras just two months after the Matty breakup. She's brokenhearted but willing to mend the cracks with your money and move onward with her worldwide female rage induced pillaging.
No matter what happens, even if you die at a Taylor Swift concert, Taylor collects a big fat check and flies away. She doesn't know you as anything other than a conversion rate or earning potential despite what her nearly 20-year long parasocial relationship with fans might otherwise indicate. She knows that, while some Swifties are without disposable income, they feel obligated to spend on a "48 Hours Only!" exclusive vinyl variant instead of necessities because they are so entrenched in Taylor Swift's intoxicating celebrity, they'll prioritize materialistic fandom before their needs. This is good enough for her because this means she can expand her real estate portfolio and finance her cat's lavish lifestyles. They're worth an estimated $100 million dollars. Her three cats could pool their net worth and solve world hunger.
While you and I might be denied bereavement leave and barely surviving the current political and economic climate, Taylor Swift has to, instead of gets to, perform for stadiums at full attendance for three nights in a row across the globe. You and I might be replaced by AI at our longtime jobs, but Taylor Swift is threatened with losing more and more money each time you listen to a "Stolen Version" of her songs. If we don't buy every variant of all of her albums, then who is going to pay for the fucking cats?
It is tone deaf to spend as she spends and lives as she lives in this economy, but this is her reality. She was able to donate $100,000 to all of her tour truck drivers, and that's wonderful, but it leads me to wonder about the ethos of the 2020s where one woman can hoard such life-changing amounts of money. Remember in 2014 when she gave a fan $90 ($120 in today's money) to get Chipotle because she had no fucking clue how much it cost? This is a 34-year-old woman who is increasingly out of touch with the reality for working class people and women in general. Normal everyday adults must wake up and go to their thankless jobs, and yet Taylor Swift, despite all her riches, incessantly references the lows of her life and career as a public figure and entertainer to farm sympathy and drive sales. And still, the corporate women have latched onto "I cry a lot, but I am so productive! It's an art!" as their cubicle battle cry.
Do you think that, from up in her private jet, Taylor Swift gazes at the world through her poetic, tortured eyes, and thinks, "All the little people, in their cars, walking, going about their lives...all those girls that don't support girls...do they know that I've made an album about female rage?"

Conclusion/TLDR

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your critical insights towards this entire ordeal: TTPD, the trademark, the implications of it all.
TLDR: Taylor Swift is a bad feminist and is delusional to think that the TTPD eras set exemplifies female rage at women's injustice.

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. Im an only child of South Asian parents, and in our culture the relationship between parents of single children (especially girls) is extremely overbearing. Ive always lived this way, and till date their helicopter parenting was only reflected on my academics, which even though annoying, only pushed me to have the most lucrative career ever.
My partner's spinal tumor diagnosis came as a shock to all of us. Before his diagnosis, I had told my parents about him, and even narrowed my boyfriend search down culturally to make sure they would like him ( AND THEY DID!! Still do, but yeah.. ). He had to go through a major surgery, is currently in recovery, and is progressing really well. I love him with all my heart and am so proud of him and nothing could make me love him less. However, my parents seem to think that I am being oblivious to the potential risks this illness could cause our marriage (if we choose to get married). Maybe I am. I decided to stop coming to Reddit/ WebMD after his surgery as it was only causing me and my partner anxiety, and we decided to take life in a "take it as it comes" way. I decided to ONLY prioritize him, his recovery, and his happiness. His happiness made me happy. His sadness made me sad.
My parents on the other hand, consulted a few experienced physicians back in our home country, and they seemed to believe that his illness has a very high chance of recurrence, and could potentially lead to him losing bowel control, lower body paralysis, etc. and lead me to be his caregiver at a very early stage in my life. It could also cause impotence and infertility. This obviously really shattered them and as parents, they are actively advising me to walk away from this as soon as I can. (like wtf?)
While I understand their concern, Im not ready to give up on my relationship purely based on what-ifs. They seem to think I am being uninformed and that this is a stupid choice , given that right now, I have the choice to respectfully walk away. While I understand, I think I need more time to assess the situation and see if my future really is all that bleak. My partner has been the most understanding individual through all this. He's been sweet, kind, and respectful and since he is also of the same culture, he isn't offended by my parents CLEAR violation of his privacy and space. But, Im so torn and confused. My parents ARE being a little extreme, thinking Im blinded by my love and adoration for my partner. Maybe I am. Who wouldn't be? Especially when they struck gold in the partner department?
This problem is, Im not even able to be angry with my parents for suggesting I end things. They aren't being all that impossible, they're looking out for their child and her future and I understand. Im also not willing to walk away from him. I wish to wait a few months/years where we know exactly whats happening. After he's gone through radiation therapy, we find out how his tumor is developing, if it really does affect his nerves so much so that risk of impotence is high, what's the probability of disability, etc etc. And all this could take a year or two. He is scheduled for his oncologist's appointment in a couple weeks. I want to make sure I have enough evidence to show my well wishers that Im not making a blinded choice, OR have enough on the table to know I can't do this forever, and desperately need to walk away. Has anyone ever had a similar issue? I feel so alone. I feel like if I talk about this to anyone else, I would be such a bad person even THINKING about all this.

I got pregnant last year with a baby girl that I gave birth to in January. Just before I had her I officially hit the highest weight I’ve ever been - broke 300lb. I know a good portion of that was baby/fluid/whatever, but the vast majority of it was not.
I’ve been overweight my entire life, never below 200lb in adulthood (5’7” for reference). I’ve done some crash dieting before and I love to work out, but for the most part I out-eat my exercise by a significant amount.
I guess this post is me writing down concretely the reason that I’m determined for this time to be different. I want to be healthy for my child. I want to be able to run around with her when she’s playing and keep up with that boundless toddler energy. I want to be strong enough to carry her, well past the “baby” stage. I want to be fit enough in my 40s and 50s to be able to help her move out into her own place. I want to be around to see my grandchildren. I want to inspire her to nourish and move her body for the love of it, and not pass on the disordered diet culture that I grew up with.
A sappy post, but it comes from a place of love and determination and excitement for the future.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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Hi guys, I've had this feedback a few times now and I'm wondering if I need to do something about it or is it just insecurity from these women and I should just continue as I am.
I'm naturally a playful, fun and kinda flirty guy. I'm just not that serious with them. But that's the issue, I've been told by a few girls now that I don't come across as serious. Is that a bad thing? I've read in 3% Man that you should be fun and playful etc. CW says it in his videos a lot too.
Thing is I'm at the stage in life where I'm looking for a life partner, I'm actually not the kind of guy to sleep around and be some sort of player or "fuck boy".
I feel that maybe my vibe is coming across as someone not to be taken seriosuly? I've actually had one girl who told me she was being cautious and making things difficult because she thought I wasn't serious. Is this a red flag? Is this what you call a structured woman? To me it kind of came across like she was playing some sort of game until she said that.
Or is this something I should change and be a bit more vulnerable?
Basically is my attitude OK and only the insecure or women who have unresolved baggage will be put off/act cautious? Or is this something that I should look at?
Thanks

I’ve (19M) been talking to this girl (18F) for almost 2 months now, met about 4 months ago. We’re both in our first years of uni. Our interactions have been really good and we click really well when we’re together and also on text, and we’ve been out 3 times so far. We didn’t call them dates but two of them were basically kinda like dates (coast walk and museum/kbq).
Right now we’re on a short 2 week break for uni (not a talking break). I’m and international student so I’m going back home for the break and she’s a domestic so she’s staying there. We’ve been chatting quite a bit, almost everyday. Most of the times it’s me initiating the conversations but she did a few times as well. But once we start we just hit it off and can chat for hours and deep into the night too, I try to text in the evenings usually because during the day one of us are typically busy either working, studying, or just having me time.
Three things I need some advice on -
One is how can I spend more time in person together because I feel like we interact on text way more than in person, which is something I’d like to change. But the thing is we’re in completely different faculties so it makes it slightly more challenging.
The second thing (probably the most major one) is whether or not I should just ask her out on a date and call it a date, instead of just “hey do you wanna grab dinnedo this, do that”, just straight up “hey we’ve went out a few times but we never labeled it, would you like to go out on a date with me”. I don’t wanna let this drag and go into an awkward stage where we’ve just been in the perpetual talking stage.
Finally, how long is long? I understand that for different situations long is subjective. So for me it’s more of how long is long to not text each other for a while. And how long is considered long before getting into a relationship (conventionally).
I’m taking this time back home as a time to step away a little bit and gather and process my thoughts, and I want a little insight.
TLDR: Been talking for 2 months I (19M) and (18F). Three questions, how to spend more time together? Should I just ask her out on a proper date? How long is considered long for not talking and officially getting into a relationship?

I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we’ve been married for 10. He’s a great dad and a husband that has always showed me attention. He has cheated on me before on a few occasions. After every time he has, he has always promised me that he would not do it again. Something in me has always told me to stay so I did. I’m not the one with daddy issues or issues with men, I just always had a feeling of being with him is bigger than just me. I got diagnosed with cancer in August 2023 and immediately started chemo I had stage three Hodgkin’s lymphoma and the symptoms were very extreme. I recently found out that he was cheating on me for the past couple years and continued to cheat on me while I was going through chemo. I read text messages with him and this woman over the past few months and I saw there were several times about him requesting that that girl leave him alone, and there were several times where he ignored her, but she persisted. I think at one point he felt guilty and tried to not see her. he ultimately said that she made it clear several times that she will reach out to me if they stopped continuing to see each other so that’s why he continued to see each other because he didn’t want me to find out while I was going through chemo. Now that the cat is out of the bag, he’s doing things. I have never seen him do before like praying all the stuff but frankly, I am checked out. I don’t want to do this no more I’m tired of compromising my dignity. I want a do over. I want to know what a fresh relationship with a man that is totally opposite of him but I have four kids(twins that are 19 from his previous marriage, 12 & 4) I totally wish he would have left me. I know in my heart of hearts that they need us together, and this would truly destroy them if they found out. I know I can mask my emotions. I can hide my hurt for them because I love them, but I haven’t told anyone so this is me getting this off my chest.

The top 5 members of the show will debut as a group, receive 200 million won, release an album, hold a national tour and a global showcase.
The episode is currently available for international fans on Viki.
Voting for the top 5 is ongoing. In Korea you can vote for your top 5 picks once a day on Naver or JTBC's website, international fans will have to vote through MAKESTAR app (available in 239 countries).
Preliminary Audience Vote Ranking:

1. Lee Sooyoung
2. Lee Nayoung
3. Kim Yebin
4. Cho Yein
5. Kim Chaewon
6. Hwang Seyoung
7. Yang Irae
8. Khan Amina
9. Yoon Minseo
10. Cho Aim

Round Two - 72-hour Survival Game
The surviving 32 contestants have to team up, choose songs, distribute the parts themselves, arrange the songs, conceptualize their stage costumes and prepare their performances in 72 hours/3 days.
They are divided in 11 teams based on the seats they took during the bus trip: 4 teams of two, 5 teams of three, 1 team of four and 1 team of five.
The producers will vote for one contestant of each team, the contestant with most votes will directly advance to round 3 and the rest of team members will be candidates for elimination. If there is a tie, there will be no winner and the entire team will be candidates for elimination.

Team	Performance	Result
Yang Irae, Kim Kyuri & Kim Chaewon	After Like (orig. IVE)	Yang Irae 4 vs Kim Kyuri 2 vs Kim Chaewon 0
Sohn Yujin, Lee Songhwa & Jeong Jiwoo	In the Rain (orig. Lee Moonse)	Sohn Yujin 3 vs Jeong Jiwoo 2 vs Lee Songhwa 1

Contestants eliminated by the producers:

• Kim Chaewon
• Shin Joowon
• Jeong Jiwoo
• Cho Soomin
• Kim Damyoung
• Kwon Lily
• Kim Hanbyeol
• Lee Songhwa

Contestants who advance to round 3:

• Hwang Seyoung
• Khan Amina
• Choi Aim
• Ji Yooeun
• Cho Yein
• Chong Jeena
• Jung Yuri
• Janet Suhh
• Lim Okyeon
• Lee Arumsoul
• Lee Sooyoung
• Lee Nayoung
• Yoon Minseo
• Yang Irae
• Sohn Yujin
• Son Yeongseo
• Park Seojeong
• RETA
• nov
• Kim Hana
• Kim Yebin
• Kim Kyuri
• Kang Yunjeong
• Kang Sumin

Round Three - Rival Death Match
The surviving 24 contestants will go on a 1 vs 1 death match, 12 matches in total for this round. After the rivals perform, the producers will score each contestant out of 100 to determine the match's winner.
This will be the last individual round, the next round will be 'playoffs' which will consist of group missions to determine who goes to the final.
The 9 winners of round 2 Khan Amina, Yoon Minseo, nov, Kang Yunjeong, Hwang Seyoung, Lee Arumsoul, Choi Aim, Yang Irae and Sohn Yujin chose their rivals first.
The producers chose the 3 MVPs of round 2 who will choose first among the 9 winners: Lee Arumsoul, Kang Yunjeong and Khan Amina.

Match	Performance	Result
Kim Yebin vs Lee Sooyoung	Villain (orig. Stella Jang)	Lee Sooyoung 563 vs Kim Yebin 552
Kang Yunjeong vs Hwang Seyoung	GODS (orig. NewJeans)	Hwang Seyoung 580 vs Kang Yunjeong 577
Choi Aim vs Park Seojeong	Butterfly Effect (orig. Shin Seunghoon)	Choi Aim 556 vs Park Seojeong 552
Lee Arumsoul vs Lee Nayoung	To be released in episode 6	To be released in episode 6

P.S. The Bejeweled video also contained several easter eggs for Speak Now TV being the next re-recording. The music video for I Can See You, a Speak Now vault track, was released toward the beginning of the Eras tour. Joey King and Presley Cash, who were in the Mean video as children, were also in the I Can See You video. Taylor wrote on IG that she wanted them specifically. The video for “Mean” (2011) features Taylor Swift performing in a variety of music hall-style sets. Taylor spends most of the video playing banjo in a string band, and then transitions to a Broadway stage in a fringe dress, reminiscent of the Ziegfeld Follies era. 

Loie Fuller’s break into show business was playing banjo in a Buffalo Bill touring show, from which point she went to New York. For her breakout role in a New York theatre, critics reportedly said she could sing but she couldn’t dance - similar to Swift’s inspiration for the song Mean. Fuller went on to be one of the most influential figures in modern dance.