Right, good day everyone,
23M/81-82kg/6'0"
So long story short- have ran 3 steroid cycle. First was 2 years ago, last one ended 6 months ago. Not above a gram. No 19nors. Just test + DHTs. Longest cycle 16 weeks, using HCG @1500iu weekly each time.
Pre cycle bloods had me at around 400ng/dL/14-16nmol.
After first cycle (Test @ 350, tapered up 500mg) I pct'd to 800ng/dL (28nmol?). Used Nolvadex @ 40/20/20/20. Also Clomid @ 12.5/12.5/12.5/0.0
Bloods taken 6 weeks after stopping PCT- doubled my Test levels (increased muscle, better diet + sleep) which was awesome! Should have stopped here. Didn't.
After the second cycle, came back at 200ng/dL (7nmol) used same PCT protocol. I was training very hard so I expected this- I actually got way leaner and kept 90% of the strength- despite having this low level (was obviously in a calorie defecit) doing MMA + gym.
PCT'd 3 more times after this:
Nolva only. 20mg/4 weeks. 2 months break- still 7nmol. Still kept same bodyweight so maintenance calories (4.5k)
Clomid only. 25mg/4 weeks. 2 months break- still 7nmol.
Jumped back on Test for 4 months after this.
Then PCT'd again. Enclomiphene only. 12.5mg/4 weeks, followed by a 2 weeks break, then 10mg of Nolva for 4 weeks.
That was the last PCT i've done- still 7nmol following this.
I assumed I was underfuelling- so since then i've gained ~8kg+. My appetite is also insane right now- I never feel full.
Almost entirely fat. No strength increase.
My physique looks like shit, I feel like shit. Have gone so far backwards.
So, I took 3 whole weeks off training pretty much. Did 3 weight sessions, 45 mins each. Nothing else.
Stopped tracking food, but was consuming well over 5000+ calories of almost entirely meat, eggs, cheeses, saturated fats and oils. Yes I know it's hard to say 5000+ calories but remember i've tracked food for 2 years +, I know it was at LEAST 5000 calories.
My appetite is insane.
It's was quite an extreme diet, very high fat, high protein, low carb.
Just re-tested at 4.5nmol-100ng/dL after this rest and refeed and gaining 3kg+ alone during this period. Obviously all fat. No muscle, wasn't training.
I was overtraining and underfuelling for quite some time but i've gained significant weight over the past 4-5 months, but look and feel like shit.
Had abs, veins, strength for 2 years- no matter my test levels, but now it's caught up and it's all gone. Literally back to square 1.
I'm probably going to pin some test P @140mg per week (within the next week), as well as some Tirzepatide @ 2.5mg to shed the shit weight.
Does anyone have any other suggestions before I jump back on TRT+GLP?
Am I stuffed?
I kept between 8-10% bodyfat the whole time I was cycling on/off.
Did lots of MMA, lots of running, lots of weights. Was eating 4000+ calories the whole time, but lost/gained randomly. Usually weight was between 73-77kg.
I wasn't massive, but strong and lean the whole time. Got heaviest at 88kg on cycle (1st) and peaked at 80kg last cycle.
Lost a few KG during PCT down to 73-74kg- but now back into 81-82kg range.
Now i'm likely 20%+ bodyfat at lower strength and i'm suffering a lot.
What's the smart/logical next step to take here? I have got a script for TRT now. But i'm not sure what to do. I'm 23!
Cheers all

Hello everyone😁. This is my first ever post so I apologise if it’s in the wrong place.
I have a Juwel Rio 350l tank that has been running for 5 months. This is my first big tank. Previously I had a BluePlanet 100l and a 180l tank, both were running for 5 years with no problems. Since I started my 350l I have been having significant problems.
To start the 350l I put all the water from my previous tanks in to it (280l) plus 70l of rain water to fill it up. Since then I have had a major problem with black beard algae and very high parameters. I have taken out all the hardscape and washed it in a solution of 10l of rain water with 2l of chlorine, then thoroughly rinsed everything. I took out all my plants and dipped their leaves in the solution for 30 seconds then thoroughly rinsed them. Once everything was back in the tank I dosed 20ml of flourish excel. I have been dosing 20ml of excel daily for a month but there is no change. I also changed the filter from the built in Juwel bioflow L to a Fluval Fx2, 2 weeks ago. When I changed the filter I also dosed Dr Tim’s One and Only.
My latest parameters are:
Ph - 6.6
ammonia - 0.5mg/l
nitrite - 0mg/l
nitrate - 60ppm
gh - 11 degrees
kh - 3 degrees
phosphate - 7ppm
The livestock are: 1 large silver dollar, 1 neon tetra, 5 black widow tetras, 2 bronze Cory’s, 1 panda Cory, 2 peppered Cory’s, 1 sterbai Cory, 5 Congo tetras and 4 serape tetras.
My plants are java fern, trident Java fern, Anubias and some cryptocoryne.
I have an eheim air100 air pump running, the light is on 6 hours a day and is a multilux LED. I don’t currently fertilise. Any help getting my parameters and the black beard algae under control will be greatly appreciated as it is stressing me out!! Thank you for reading.

Originating from Nigeria, Fadogia agrestis has emerged as a subject of interest, particularly for its purported aphrodisiac properties. Animal studies have illuminated its potential to elevate testosterone levels and augment libido, along with enhancing testicular weight, hinting at its potential as a sexual performance enhancer.
Benefits of Fadogia Agrestis
Drawing from rodent studies and anecdotal reports, Fadogia agrestis showcases several notable benefits:

• Increased Testosterone Levels: Rodent trials indicate a notable surge in testosterone levels with Fadogia agrestis supplementation, showing dose-dependent increments.
• Enhanced Libido and Sexual Function: Traditional aphrodisiac use aligns with scientific findings, showcasing its pro-erectile and libido-boosting effects.
• Improved Energy and Recovery: Users often report heightened energy levels, decreased fatigue, and swifter exercise recuperation.
• Potential Anti-Inflammatory and Anti-Malarial Effects: Preliminary in vitro studies suggest its inhibitory impact on parasites, bacteria, and mild anti-malarial properties.

However, it's imperative to acknowledge the scarcity of human clinical trials regarding Fadogia agrestis benefits. Present evidence primarily stems from rodent studies and user anecdotes, necessitating further exploration to delineate its efficacy and safety in humans.
Dosage Recommendations
Tailoring the dosage to individual factors like age, weight, and health objectives is paramount. Starting with a lower dosage mitigates potential side effects, with general recommendations falling within 200-600 mg per day, divided into doses. Seeking guidance from healthcare professionals before integrating Fadogia agrestis into a supplement regimen is prudent.
Potential Side Effects
Navigating potential side effects underscores the importance of consulting healthcare professionals:

• Gastrointestinal Discomfort: Common complaints include stomach upset, bloating, and diarrhea.
• Allergic Reactions: Mild skin rashes to severe symptoms like difficulty breathing may occur.
• Hormonal Imbalances: Impact on testosterone levels may induce hormonal fluctuations.
• Sleep and Psychological Effects: Altered sleep patterns, anxiety, and restlessness may manifest.
• Liver and Kidney Concerns: Prolonged high doses may provoke inflammation and damage.
• Other Reported Side Effects: Nausea may accompany Fadogia agrestis usage.

Conclusion
While Fadogia agrestis presents intriguing potential benefits such as libido enhancement and testosterone elevation in animal studies, a cautious approach is warranted. Further research is indispensable to elucidate its effects comprehensively and ensure safety. Prioritizing evidence-based practices and seeking professional guidance facilitate informed health decisions, promoting holistic well-being.
📋 Source: Fadogia Agrestis: Benefits, Dosage & Side effects

Wont add too much gnitty gritty but ever since my partial seizure and migraine journey after my TBIs ive noticed no matter what anti epileptic my neuros use, they destroy my stomach. Time of day, low dose, high dose, fiber pills, take with food, no alcohol or caffeine in diet, keto diet, non keto diet. Its been a lot of trial and error and so long as I take any anti epileptic- my stools change and frequent bathroom trips and an angry gut with stomach pain.
Ive been on topo for give or take 4 months now. Same as when I was on keppra, gabapentin, etc. Not a happy gut. It was already borderline intolerable especially getting back to work full time, until I got pneumonia and I got slammed with antibiotics and a steroid. Now my gut is completely whiped out and I got a GI bleed.
Has anyone else encountered GI problems with their meds especially topamax? When I was on gaba it seemed to dissipate over time, but with topamax no matter what we have tried so far it really seems to upset my stomach and i get a lot of stomach pain. My neuro is pretty dismissive about it but I am about ready to pull the plug and wean off. i have a consult with him in 2 days but did let him know of the GI issues and also it gives me insanely bad double vision on top of my visual snow so he said he is willing to taper.
If you guys know any alternatives that are easier on the stomach / organs let me know please. Seems tough to fi d decent seizure meds that dont destroy you from the inside out in the process with side effects?
Thanks

1. A Cross-Sectional Study of Blood Ethylmercury Levels and Cognitive Decline Among Older Adults and the Elderly in the United States
   • "Significantly increased risks for lower animal fluency test (odds ratio (OR) = 13.652, p = 0.0029) and CERAD W-L delayed recall test (OR = 6.401, p = 0.0433) scores were observed among the higher ethyl-Hg exposure group as compared to the lower ethyl-Hg exposure group. This study supports the hypothesis that increased ethyl-Hg exposure is associated with significant cognitive decline in older adult and elderly Americans."
2. Thimerosal-Derived Ethylmercury Is a Mitochondrial Toxin in Human Astrocytes: Possible Role of Fenton Chemistry in the Oxidation and Breakage of mtDNA
   • "Ethylmercury causes a 50% collapse in membrane potential in astrocytes at 1 hour. Accompanying this collapse in membrane potential we observe a significant increase in the levels of various ROS. The internal mitochondrial steady state level of superoxide increases by 70% in treated cells and is matched by an increase in cellular hydrazine reactive carbonyls. Using H2DCF-AM we observe a 200% increase in steady state production of reactive oxidants, which from deconvolution we know to be mitochondrially generated (Figure 2). Mitochondrial DNA, and not nuclear DNA, is far more vulnerable to ethylmercury-induced damage. We observe a 240% increase in the levels of mitochondrial DNA breaks, a 300% increase in 3′OH DNA nicks and 460% increase in the levels of oxidized bases/apurinic or apyrimidinic sites"
   • "At higher concentrations (>7.2 μM Thimerosal) a loss of mitochondrial signal and of DCF is observed."
3. The relationship between mercury and autism: A comprehensive review and discussion
   • "This review found 91 studies that examine the potential relationship between mercury and ASD from 1999 to February 2016. Of these studies, the vast majority (74%) suggest that mercury is a risk factor for ASD, revealing both direct and indirect effects. The preponderance of the evidence indicates that mercury exposure is causal and/or contributory in ASD."
4. Examining the evidence that ethylmercury crosses the blood-brain barrier
   • "22 studies from 1971 to 2019 show that exposure to ethylmercury-containing compounds (intravenously, intraperitoneally, topically, subcutaneously, intramuscularly, or intranasally administered) results in accumulation of mercury in the brain. In total, these studies indicate that ethylmercury-containing compounds and Thimerosal readily cross the BBB, convert, for the most part, to highly toxic inorganic mercury-containing compounds, which significantly and persistently bind to tissues in the brain, even in the absence of concurrent detectable blood mercury levels."
5. Comparison of blood and brain mercury levels in infant monkeys exposed to methylmercury or vaccines containing thimerosal
   • "These studies indicate that ethylmercury-containing compounds and Thimerosal readily cross the BBB, convert, for the most part, to highly toxic inorganic mercury-containing compounds, which significantly and persistently bind to tissues in the brain, even in the absence of concurrent detectable blood mercury levels."
   • "The results indicate that MeHg is not a suitable reference for risk assessment from exposure to thimerosal-derived Hg. Knowledge of the toxicokinetics and developmental toxicity of thimerosal is needed to afford a meaningful assessment of the developmental effects of thimerosal-containing vaccines."
   • "The average concentration of inorganic Hg did not change across the 28 days of washout and was approximately 16 ng/mL (Figure 7). This level of inorganic Hg represented 21–86% of the total Hg in the brain (mean ± SE, 70 ± 4%), depending on the sacrifice time. These values are considerably higher than the inorganic fraction observed in the brain of MeHg monkeys (6–10%)."
   • "Absolute inorganic Hg concentrations in the brains of the thimerosal-exposed monkeys were approximately twice that of the MeHg monkeys."
6. Exposure to Inorganic Mercury Causes Oxidative Stress, Cell Death, and Functional Deficits in the Motor Cortex
   • "It was observed that chronic exposure to inorganic mercury caused a decrease in balance and fine motor coordination, formation of mercury deposits and oxidative stress verified by the increase of lipoperoxidation and nitrite concentration and a decrease of the total antioxidant capacity. In addition, we found that this model of exposure to inorganic mercury caused cell death by cytotoxicity and induction of apoptosis with a decreased number of neurons and astrocytes in the motor cortex. Our results provide evidence that exposure to inorganic mercury in low doses, even in spite of its poor ability to cross biological barriers, is still capable of inducing motor deficits, cell death by cytotoxicity and apoptosis, and oxidative stress in the motor cortex of adult rats."
7. The retention time of inorganic mercury in the brain--a systematic review of the evidence
   • "Estimates from modelling studies appear sensitive to model assumptions, however predications based on a long half-life (27.4 years) are consistent with autopsy findings. In summary, shorter estimates of half-life are not supported by evidence from animal studies, human case studies, or modelling studies based on appropriate assumptions. Evidence from such studies point to a half-life of inorganic mercury in human brains of several years to several decades. This finding carries important implications for pharmcokinetic modelling of mercury and potentially for the regulatory toxicology of mercury."
8. Astrocytes in the central nervous system and their functions in health and disease: A review
   • "Because astrocytes contain metal-binding proteins such as metallothionein, they are also involved in the uptake and sequestration of some heavy metals."
9. Proximal tubular transport of Metallothionein-Mercury complexes and protection against nephrotoxicity
   • "MT has a very high affinity for Hg; thus, mercuric ions that are not already bound to MT may bind to MT within the cytoplasm to form large Hg-MT complexes that may be retained in the cell. This will be particularly true in segments of proximal tubules that have higher levels of MT, i.e., cortical proximal tubules. MT is capable of binding 6–11 molecules of Hg (He et al., 2021); thus, it is logical that cells and tissues with higher levels of MT will accumulate more Hg."
10. CHD's Compilation Of Peer-Reviewed, Published Research Showing Adverse Effects of Mercury

Hi, I’m a 22F and I was diagnosed in 2022 but believe I’ve been losing hair since maybe 2017? It didn’t get serious/noticeable to me until 2021 though.
I’ve been on topical min 5% foam for 1.5 years and 100mg spiro for 7 months. My part is definitely better than it was before treatment but the density of my hair feels like it might’ve thinned more.. It’s been getting greasier quicker recently and I’m not sure if that’s additional thinning, me touching it frequently, my body getting used to spiro, or just the weight of having long hair?
Anyways, I’m really concerned about the diffuse thinning, especially this huge cowlick I have that’s becoming more noticeable / my sides. I feel like minox hasn’t done much to help those areas. I want to wait for the full year of spiro before adding anything new but I was wondering what else I could do to help boost the growth. Here are some of my ideas: - Topical 5% 2x a day? I don’t like the idea of sleeping with it on but maybe morning and late afternoon? - 6% topical min & 0.3% topical fin from Hers. I honestly don’t know too much about it, just that I’ve seen some people incorporate topical fin with success! - Oral Min. My derm recommended 2.5mg but I’m veryyyy health conscious so I didn’t want to jump into another medication/especially one that high dose. Does 0.625 have results still?
Please let me know your thoughts!

My husband had a septoplasty today for a deviated septum. He was nervous going in and when he was finished the PACA nurse told me that his B/P was 130s systolic prior to anesthesia got above 180 systolic during the surgery. They had to give him multiple doses of Labetalol and Hydralazine to get it under control. She said that he should speak with his PMD about having undiagnosed hypertension. After we left the surgery center and I was able to talk to him, he told me that he woke up during surgery and could feel everything. He heard multiple people talking and he heard his doctor ask for the "hammer" and then he heard the tap, tap, tap, and then a loud crack of his nose being broken and felt everything. He tried to alert them, but he couldn't talk and he tried to move his arms but he couldn't because he was paralyzed. It lasted long enough that he remembers at least 3 or 4 "tapping' episodes and he remembers the MD saying that something was abnormal in his turbinates and then he thinks he went back under. I'm guessing that this explains why his b/p got so high. I've heard of 'anesthesia awareness" but I've never known anyone who's experienced it. I'm an oncology RN and have no experience with surgery. Is this something that could have been prevented or is it just an unfortunate risk of surgery? Should he be contacting his surgeon to let him know or wait until his post-op appt next week?

I've been on 100mg of zoloft for 8 weeks exactly now, and it's been working REALLY well. I feel so much more motivated and less like efforts were futile, and I have been catching up on long-neglected housework - a lot of it. I've spent the entirety of each of the last four weekends cleaning and organizing and I'm very happy with the progress!
But I also feel a bit of that pressure in my chest that made me ask for help in the first place. A few times I've had trouble turning my brain off the stay asleep. I'm so motivated to get the overdue stuff done I am coming up with plans while I should sleep.
I'm not sure if this is a sign the dose is too high or if, now that it's settled, it's too low. Or if I just need to force myself to sit my ass down and take more breaks. Any feedback is welcome!

Hello everyone. As the title states, I’m 23yrs old and fit and workout 5-6 days a week. Not overweight in the slightest, but getting consistent readings of 140/150 over 90-95.
Met with a physician today, and they did an EKG and noticed a slight irregularity. Getting referred to a cardiologist, and they started me on the lowest dose (25mg) Losartan. How do I manage this so I don’t have a stroke / heart attack 10yrs from now?
I’ve cut back on caffiene, nicotine / vaping, tried to relax and even took a week off from the gym. I’ve heard water intake can effect blood pressure as well.
To elaborate a bit, I am recreationally taking some testosterone. Bodybuilding is the one thing I enjoy, but by no means am I a bodybuilder or do I look like one. I’m not big either, (6’4 190lbs). My father also had high blood pressure in his 30’s, and my brother as well.

I've seen this argument proffered in dozens of published papers. For example:
https://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/research/publications/index.html

Reported rates of myocarditis or pericarditis were higher after receipt of the Moderna vaccine than the Pfizer-BioNTech vaccine and were higher following dose 2. Vaccine safety monitoring has been ongoing globally, and the risk of myocarditis appears highest among adolescents and young adult males following dose 2 of the primary series. However, the risk of myocarditis after COVID-19 disease remains greater than after COVID-19 vaccination, which remains the most effective way to prevent serious complications from COVID-19 infection.

How is this an acceptable level of risk for any product for any individual for whom COVID would not be deadly?
Can you think of any other products that are sold to people to ostensibly protect them from harm for which the potential harm from that product is allowed to be so high unless these individuals are already suffering from a severe illness?
And how do these comparisons even make sense when you consider that fact that these injections don't stop anyone from getting COVID and are recommended for (and are still in some cases even mandated for) perfectly healthy people at effectively zero health risk from COVID (including all of those with superior natural immunity)?

Hey everyone. 18F here, and I am a current high school senior (so yes, this will be very high school drama-esque). In my area, it's common that, after senior prom, people will go away without parental supervision for the first time for the rest of the weekend.
Earlier this year, I was talking with my cousin and we brainstormed to go to a very similar place in another state as the place most people go tends to be packed and VERY dingy/unsafe because of the type of people such an event attracts. This was a perfect solution, because while I wanted the experience of going somewhere, I'm definitely not the party type and would rather spend the weekend hanging out with friends and relaxing. A few months ago, I ran this idea by my best friend, M (17F). They were really excited by this idea, and the two of us started to plan. We ended up with six people total, including us.
Where the problem comes in is that my friend, M, is also friends with another person, V (17F). V is a very headstrong person that tends to be obnoxious and bossy. She's not a bad person by any means, but is someone that I personally can only handle in small doses. She also tends to take over other peoples' plans, such as taking it upon herself to decide the guest list and everything else for a party she wasn't even hosting, excluding myself and others from the list. She has also borderline bullied me over small things and using her loud voice/bigger figure in a way that would pressure me not to respond or to agree. She has also specifically implied to other people that she does not like me.
I didn't want V to come, because not only do I dislike her, but I fear that she will 'take over' our plans, and make our trip into something it's not. Also, she tends to be a very anxious person, and I do not want her anxiety to be my problem. V tends to be very self-centered, and will bring things that are not about her to make them so that they are. Also, with the obnoxiousness, if I am hypothetically consuming things that wouldn't be particularly allowed, she would only draw attention to our group.
Anyway, the trip. M had half a mind to invite V, but I insisted for reasons above that it was a bad idea, and that V had mentioned she already had plans. This wasn't a total lie, because M did suggest that V was going to go to someone else's house that weekend. After a while, it was apparent that M did feel guilty about not inviting her. I urged her to throw me under the bus and that we were both under the impression that she had other plans, as flaky as they did seem. M did insist on telling V about the trip, which I understood, because she didn't want V to find out over social media and think that M had gone behind her back. Apparently, V didn't respond well, and according to M, she did throw me under the bus as I'd urged her to.
I've been struggling because while I feel O.K. for not inviting V (this trip was my idea, after all), I do feel like a bad friend to M for putting her in the middle.
AITA?

Hi all. My nonverbal son with autism is also diagnosed with adhd. Currently he is using Vyvanse but he metabolizes it within 4 hours. His doctor recommended giving him his initial dose in the morning then a half dose in the afternoon.
Unfortunately, whenever he is at school or daycare, he will often refuse the second dose and just spit it out. I’ve heard some people had success with concerta lasting longer so I asked his doctor what she thought of that.
She is open to trying out concerta with my son, but warned us to contact her asap to switch back to Vyvanse if concerta wasn’t working out. She then asked if we’ve tried combing the two dosages and I expressed my concern of overdosing him first thing in the morning. That leads me to my question, for anyone who finds Vyvanse wears out quick, did upping your dose increase the duration of its effects?
Right now, my son takes 20mg then 10mg. If giving him 30mg once in the morning is enough, I’d like to pursue that option if concerta doesn’t work

January 29, 2384 - the day of the last total eclipse is when the raid began. “The day of the sun's false shadow” as people call it now. We, humans, were an unsuspecting victims in a universe habited by multiple vastly stronger existences. When it happened the world had been thrown into utter chaos and shock. The sun had been completely covered by the moon and this event was supposed to last only a short while however after two hours sunlight had still not shown its face upon the earth's surface. This was the beginning of humanity's greatest tribulation. After days of the sun's light not being shown the planet's temperature began to drop and to compensate for this people began to create massive fires but this did not stop the problem. Photosynthesis in plants began to stop, making it harder for humans to breathe. This made humans build labs and create artificial oxygen, which took care of that problem but humans still began to die from hypothermia, frozen oceans, and forced stoppage of blood flow. After two weeks, the sun finally revealed itself and all hope had been restored in humanity collectively only for half the population to be massacred in an instant. “The watchers” had been slowly waiting with armies to colonize our planet and technology beyond our wild comprehension. Technology we can only dream of had been shown and used right before our very eyes and for the first time in all of human history, we had been united as one in our mutual fear and horror. 2 months later, 90% of humanity has been wiped out and the few who remained were used as slaves to cultivate energy. With the use of a Dyson shell, nearly 80% of the sun's energy and heat had been directed into maintaining their energy. Amongst all this time, humanity had collectively agreed to fight back. This began the creation of the liberation group, “the Plague”. These groups of people were the last hope of humanity and carried an extremely large ambition and dream on their shoulders. While “the watchers” were extremely advanced this doesn't change the fact that they were fallible and this group of people were their scourge. They didn't have the military might nor the advanced brain to even keep up against “the watchers” but through slavery and forced labor, the human body began to develop into something stronger. They began to surpass their limits and break the barriers that the human mind had once placed on themselves. Through the selective farming of “the watchers” a new plant had developed that was essentially a stimulant to the human body and a limit breaker for their physical capabilities. At first, they began by using strong levels of acid to corrode the buildings and structures and then stopping their heartbeat to give the impression of suicide so they could not be caught, however, they did not die due to a new system developed from the human's newfound evolution. Due to the strict regimen that we had to follow, we knew all of the places where they would and wouldn't be, all the blind spots of the planet, all the places where they were in close proximity to a chasm, and all the places where we were at a disadvantage. We used the blindspots as bases and hideouts where we could plan our vengeance. After a year of just observing their behavior, habits, bodily functions, and even their schedules we developed a hypothesis that 24 seconds after 7:39 PM we have approximately 19 minutes and 53 seconds in Greenland where we are not being watched nor located. We used this small window of time to gather the fundamental items we needed to fight back and build the foundation for our organization. We gathered food, plants, water, armor, and weapons. We realized that they were immune to cutting/slicing damage and could only be hurt through blunt attacks. With this knowledge, we developed a specific fighting style and used that small time frame to train others in it. We adapted to the harsh conditions and created clothes using spare pieces from “the watchers” specially made for insulating heat, weighing less, and being less penetrable by outside attacks. After a year every person on the planet was a master at this martial arts and had fully developed a counter to all technology that “the watchers” had. However, we could not initiate immediate war on them so we needed a plan. We came up with the idea to have one of our strongest members report to the watchers about our activity and give away one of our bases. This created the false notion that not only did they have someone working as a double agent on their side but also they knew where we would be so they could catch us off guard. We were all there like they expected and they attacked like planned. We had all moved our weapons, armor, and vital items into a different base but kept some things where they attacked to make them think we had not gotten far but this was a dud. Eventually, we had all “died” and had our bodies left at that place as a sign of victory on their side. However, because of this, their ego had grown and they began to underestimate us. The surveillance had gotten weaker as they assumed their “double agent” would tell them everything as a trade for luxury living. We knew that physical power would not be enough so our smartest man collaborated to develop a virus specifically made for their genetic makeup which took about 5 years to extract small strands of DNA without them realizing. Once the virus had been created the incidence began and eliminated more than 60 percent of “the watchers” because of how they were too distracted trying to develop a cure and the vast amount of them dying, we had gained more time to develop our forces and we began to ingest various harmful substances but in small doses in order to gain resistance to any harmful poisons and acids. After new children start to be born this began the origin of a new human species. One massively stronger, smarter, more durable, and with all the immunities and benefits without the downsides. With the birth of this new generation, all of the human race had experienced a collective euphoria. We had begun to secretly train these kids for years and strengthen them in a way the human race had never been before. Due to the circumstances of their birth, they had also developed a strong ability for adaptation and healing factor which ultimately led to humans finally being able to physically compete with “the watchers”. However, we were still lacking in numbers despite the virus taking a vast majority of “the watchers” away. Some of us grew confident and because we were now physically capable some believed we could win the war while others believed we couldn’t yet. This created division within our ranks but did not necessarily break our ranks but that was all depending on your interpretation. We gathered our smartest men and women to make a plan to initiate war, and for 14 days they were stuck in ruminative thought. 2 years passed and we had finally built up the numbers, technology, and physical capabilities to contend with the watchers. Now on the day of the war, all of our strongest soldiers imitated the attack. But this time they were an unsuspecting victim on a planet habited by a stronger species. During the war we had counters for nearly everything the watchers could dish out but one thing we were not aware of was the fact that the watchers could transform into a smaller but faster, stronger, and more durable form. This form took the shape of humankind. So closely related that it struck fear into the hearts of many. Not only was this extremely off-putting but the revelation that came along with it had altered the perception of humanity as we know it. The war had been put to a halt, and all forced fighting in the war had directed their attention to one watcher and one watcher alone. All forces had been completely immobilized and fighting back was no longer capable. With this, the words that had been spoken out of the watcher were a revelation that humanity had not even considered possible. “We are not your enemies. We are you but from the future. In our original timeline, we have been attacked by a species even higher than us. We had been pushed to the brink of extinction and our last hope was only to go back in time in hopes that if we returned to our past selves we could help evolve even more to contend with the world-ending threats from the future. This siege we had laid on this planet and the forced evolution, progression, and tragedy among humankind also brought extreme progression in human capabilities. All of you are vastly superior to your previous forms because of our arrival. While we acknowledge our methods were not the ideal we had no other option. This was the fastest and most effective method to progress the human species although we could not allow the human race to have this win. It would boost the ego of your race and our all of you in a state of comfort and stagnation. With this being said we resign from our participation in this war and would greatly appreciate it if you allowed us to help humanity rebuild and donate technology.” Speechless as to what humanity has just heard we just stood there in utter shock and disbelief. Not a single soul knew what to say and all of humanity had stood in confusion. One man spoke “how do we know this is true” the watcher proceeded to show pictures and videos of them being massacred while some stood in human form and others did not. They showed is this along with the words, “we initiated this war as a way to put the human race through natural selection and eliminate all the weak human being who would not be able to contribute to our growth and success in any upcoming battle. So with that being said what is your decision?” Our leader, and the smartest woman among us had stated, “We humbly decline this offer as we would prefer to evolve by our capabilities and we have already surpassed you so what can you possibly teach us.” After this being stated the war had been started again and the watchers had been for the first time since the “great cleansing” began utterly defeated and annihilated. With the war being won, humanity being victorious, and newfound abilities being discovered humanity had been thrown into an era of peace and prosperity. All tragedies had been blamed on the watchers and for the first time humanity had an ever lasting peace and a perfect utopia where everyone agreed and benefited from each other. With this, we have been vastly improving and slowly but steadily rebuilding our planet and all of humankind. Our members started family’s and genuinely enjoyed the life they were living once again. Everyone acting coyly and with one another was a beautiful side to behold. Everything was perfect until the same monsters who killed the watchers, showed up to eliminate us due to fear of what we could evolve into this time we had no way to fight back and our ranks were already diminished or severely weakened. How would humanity be able to survive this time???Most people had been massacre and captures to be experimented on. Very few of us had actually managed to get away from them and we had only been able to do this through shadow banishment. It was a skill that we had acquired through the technology of the watchers. Living in the void was not the ideal lifestyle as it was ruthless, dirty, and unsafe but the chances of surviving here were massively higher than surviving on earth. Only a hundred of us remained and the human species were basically extinct. With this small group left we had resorted to instead of trying to repopulate and exact revenge immediately we would take the short route. In the void monsters had no sort of civilization and the only rule amongst these creatures were the strongest prevail. There was no sort of rule, order, or even a sense of respect between these monsters. The weak were prey for the strongest, and the strong were killed by the stronger. We took this as an opportunity to not only increase our strength by training and battling but also amassing an empire. The remind of humanity collectively agree that we would bring order and peace to the void. The best way to go through this was by entering the tournament. The monsters held tournaments to watch the strongest fight and kill each other for pure fun. We joined this colosseum and while at first we easily overwhelmed our opponents we had slowly been facing harder and harder opponents as we rose through the ranks. By the time even a single one of us was defeated we had made a name and gained the attention of multiple monsters within the void. We were not necessarily respected or followed but we were feared and simultaneously an opponent that monsters wished to fight. After this we had developed our own fighting ring in which monster could fight and battle against us and only us. We implied a set of rules in this ring. Rule 1; no killing Rule 2; reservations must be made to fight Rule 3; both parties must consent Rule 4; do not make the fight personal Rule 5; it must be between a human and monster. These rules created a sense of security amongst the monsters and while driven by their desire of battle they also abided by the rules. Eventually after fighting throughout the tournament and gaining more traction with the monsters in it. Eventually even the most high ranked demons had begun to make reservations in for our fights. Our strongest soldiers had been the ones to fight them as nobody else can really compete. The first fight had been with a demon who had the ability of immunity. This ability did not only revolve around internal status effects but also could be applied to his physical body. The fight had been the biggest one the ring had ever experienced and it did not disappoint. Eventually we had won and this through the whole entire void and everyone in it into an uproar. Monsters who never even bothered to fight had shown up to battle. The strongest monster in the void and the only monster with a sense of order, self, and purpose had shown up to fight all humans by himself. He agreed that if we win he would pledge allegiance to us all and work under our rule however if we lose we will be killed. This monster bore an extreme resemblance humans. The structure of his body and the contents of it were all human like however he claimed not to be. This monsters name was angel and he possessed the ability to manipulate and control all matter with the sole exception of any other organic material that resided outside of his own body. Our commander and strongest member amongst us was the person to fight him. His name was Alexander and despite the fact that we didn't have any singular special powers like him however our physical bodies were honed greater than any other species in existence. They were evenly matched in speed and strength and even in our capabilities to rapidly heal from damage. They had been evenly matched in all physical ability and the fight had ultimately come to hand to hand combat and who could last longer. Angel was unmatched in combat and had barely even been hit due to how experienced in martial arts he had been; however throughout the fight Alexander had been naturally adapting to his fighting style and developing counters to everything. Our natural ability to adapt to all attacks and effects placed upon us had given a clear win condition; however time was needed to actually see and fully understand how to possibly adapt to everything. The longer the fight took the higher the chance of Angel losing. Alexander had slowly but steadily been adapting and developing new combat styles to counter everything angle could do and even had grown to use his own severed limbs as projectiles and use his blood as a coat over all other objects to cancel his ability to use his field. Angel's main ability had been to control the air around him to increase speed, power, and even get a sense of what his opponent would be doing before it happened. After finally adapting to this his body had begun to heat itself in an attempt to turn it into vapor and due to blood being organic matter of another life form he would no longer have control of the air and the surrounding area. After this the fight had come down to solely base physical capabilities and for 10 minutes they had been mindlessly brawling and instantaneously healing through the damage taken. After a long period of time their healing began to slow down due to bodily fatigue. Biting, punching, scratching, kicking, anything you can think of, they did it. That fight was a bloodbath unlike anything else and in the end they both passed out on the floor with nothing left besides their bodies soaked and bathed in each other's blood. After they had both been knocked unconscious their bodies had been left there in anticipation for them to awaken. The ring filled beyond capacity as people argued and fought about who would awaken first. In anticipation for this once in a lifetime event the whole void had stopped with all its attention. Angel was the first to awaken and he had been exhausted and utterly stunned as to how he actually had gotten knocked out. He had the opportunity to kill his opponent as he had technically won the battle but out of respect for his opponents strength and capabilities he possessed. After the fight had finished Angel had left and was never to be seen again. After 2 weeks Alexander had awoken in a small shack being guarded by one other human and confused after everything had been explained to him he had went around looking for angel but he was not to be found. After awakening Alexander had been massively stronger than before. Due to the physical state his body was put in and all the damage that he had taken from Angel his body had adapted and become more dense in order to take all the attacks while sustaining the least amount of damage possible. After his awakening this began our political revolution. We had now implemented the ring with rules and gotten multiple monsters to follow by these rules and with them being accurate to filling orders more now we had decided to initiate a leadedictator in a sense. The top 5 strongest creatures in the void had been the leaders and this had consisted of Alexander at 1, 2 other demons at 2 and 3, and humans to fill the final spots. We began to implement laws and rules in order to stop the mass murder and destruction happening and within a small time frame we had created structures similar to the ones of the earth. Houses and gyms in order to train in hopes of becoming stronger and even professional combat sports. After 2 months time had passed we had developed a military with our best members in it and humbly had began to repopulate. All this had been done in hopes of regaining the earth and defeated our oppressors. Fast forward 1 months the and the siege of the home planet had begun. They had not been suspecting us however took the preparations in case we had come. Based and soldiers set up in every corner of the world to fight back when the time came we did come back. With this an all out war for the fate of humanity had began and the extinction of either race lay in the balance between life and death.
After the war had began all forces had been deployed to different areas of the planet. Groups that had worked together best being deployed to one part while our strongest being deployed to another. At first we had been nearly even in everything besides technology. They had everything that we lacked and this gave them the combative edge. However despite lacking in technology we made up for it in numbers. Most fights had consisted of large groups of monsters fighting against one or two of our enemy and this has convoluted till their forces had been somewhat deployed. The one on one fights had been more dragged out and heavily impacted the war. Our strongest soldiers fighting against their strongest soldiers in a one on one fight. Everyone has put their all into this battle and left nothing to spare. Our second and third strongest soldiers had the most impact in this war not because of who they fought but because of what they could do. They didn’t actually have abilities specific to them but instead they were born with a type of energy within their bodies in which they called “synergy”. This synergy could be used to amp all their physical abilities but also be used to crate and use techniques or even use techniques that are specific to the traits of the individuals soul. The strength and physical stats of the individual depended on how much synergy they had at their disposal and while some of them were able to gather strength from other life forms it was not a very common occurrence. Alexander fought someone with the ability to control and manipulate momentum. They used synergy and funneled it through all objects of their choice to increase or decrease of momentum of that. This didn’t do much on a wide scale and was a very basic ability but in a solo battle this made it extremely hard to land attacks and even when they were landed they did little to no damage. The most important one to kill had the ability to manipulate all probability. Meaning the likelihood of us even winning this war was less then .0001 percent with them being alive. Whether it was because of a collection of small losses or one major loss did not make a difference. All odds were stacked against us as long as this person remained on the battlefield. In simple terms the whole war relied on the defeat of that person. Our second in command and smartest soldier, “Cassandra” decided to take this upon herself. She was the only one among us who possessed an innate ability and was viewed as the most special soldier but this came at a cost. She gained a talent no other human possessed but in return she no longer had the natural ability to adapt to all circumstances. Her ability was to take the form and attributes of any and all creature she knew to exist. Mythical or not she could take the shape and ability of these creatures and use it as long as she desired. However she could only use one at a time and had to wait 30 seconds in between shifting. Our third in command, “Vladimir” had took the roll of fighting their head technologist. While his opponent had not specialized in battle he still was one of the most dangerous and this was because of his ability to create machines as small as molecular level that shared his thoughts and emotions. These machines were used to repair his body in case on injury, transport information, invade any opponents body and restrict movement, anything that he deemed possible could be done with the use of those machines. But he chose to mainly use them as sort of technological tools to help him further advance his society. The rest of our battles were not nearly as important and were mostly group battles. Afro the beginning portion of Alexander’s fight he had been losing severely and could barely land any attacks at all. After a few minutes of getting beat down and not being able to fight back the adaptation process began. The first adaptation was only a temporary solution to the problem but his body had been explosively shooting out sharpened pieces of his bones and even using tiny droplets of blood as weapons. However this was only a temporary solution because eventually those bones and blood just started being slowed also. The final adaptation and most effective one happened when his body created a function in which he can store kinetic energy and then release it at any given time. This allowed him to rapidly boost his speed whenever his momentum had been slowed and basically cancel out his opponent power. However this still did not stop how his opponent made himself significantly faster. After this the fight had been more tipped into Alexander’s favor but still not enough to actually win. Throughout the progression of the fight Alexander had been gathering more and make friction between the clothes he had and his feet running against the floor. After gathering as much friction and kinetic energy as possible he let it all explode and release all over his body. This altered the form of his body. His body and skin began to form cracks and let off steam. He began to turn dark red and his eyes became shot with blood. His body was slowly crumbling and deteriorating. He had 5 minutes left to defeat his opponent and if he did not then his body would crumble and he would die. Due to his rapid healing factor he had a chance of living if he was able to end the fight within 5 minutes and give himself some time to rest but this all depended on how much he could get done. The battle had been tilted all the way in Alexander’s favor and had no longer been a battle. It had turned into if his opponent could outlast him in those 5 minutes. Brutally beating his opponent and taking full advantage of the situation Alexander did not relent on his rampage. Stopping his momentum no longer mattered and it seemed like the more he tried the faster Alexander got. Steam had been blowing off him. In the end he had managed to kill his opponent within those 5 minutes and had been at deaths door. Cassandra had began her battle and had been absolutely obliterating her opponent. The ability to shape shift from dragons, unicorns, hydras, centaurs, and any mythical creature you can think of. At first she had taken the abilities of a dragon but throughout the fight she had been developing into stronger and more complex creatures. After a while her opponent had been decreasing the probability of her even landing attacks. This made it extremely hard for her to fight and maintain the advantage. She took the appearance and abilities of the mythical deity sun wukong. Due to sun wukong being a monkey that ascended into a higher power he is one of the only gods that she can transform into. After this she gained the ability to not only make clones out of every hair on her body but also multiply the power of each clone. While she does not possess every power sun wukong has she possesses some of them and the most prominent ones. This fight had been a one sided beatdown and only lasted longer than 2 minutes because the probability of each clone attacking each other had been raised to its maximum percentage. Despite this every 1000 punches that had been thrown at least 1 hit her opponent and this was more than he could handle from millions of clones. Vladimir had no special capabilities; he only possessed an extremely honed body and battle experience. At first they had been near equal but the battle began to take a turn when the tiny bugs began to infest his body and eat him from the inside. Due to his advanced healing factor he had been able to stop any significant damage and fight with mild discomfort but this did not change that if he continued in for a longer period of time then he would inevitably be defeated by these bugs and killed. This made the battle a race against time. Expending everything his body had to offer and leaving not a single drop of energy left. Pushing his body to the absolute peak and physical limit. Even going beyond the known capabilities of his body he began to evolve into a higher form. He did not develop any new type of power or gain a newfound power but he did increase and rapidly evolve his physical capabilities. He began to punch with such speed and strength that he created shockwaves from breaking the sound barrier. With this his punches became far more explosive and with every punch thrown he was exploding giant parts of his opponents body and everything within the perimeter. With no regard to his surroundings the battle had destroyed everything in sight and left them fighting in a bare wasteland. Basically erasing everything within line of his punches he began to annihilate his opponent with speed and strength unmatched. Due to all the tiny machines within his body he regrow limbs and was able to counter attack with near no fatigue or even lag in his action. While pushing his body to its absolute limit his body had given up on him. Rapidly healing from constant damage, pushing muscles to their utmost limit, moving, attacking at his highest speed, and even understanding/ perception of all attacks massively faster then he could ever before. Due to all this his body began to give out and in the midst of battle he fell and was unable to recover. No longer able to fight back and maintain the performance he had, he was defeated. Being eaten from the inside, limbs being torn from his body, and being damaged so much that not even his regeneration could keep up. His head had been ripped off his body and with this humanity had suffered its first major loss. After this all other forces began to gain support from all his other bugs and humanities forces had been rapidly depleting. With loss in sight humanity had lost hope and accepted defeat. Right when humanity had accepted defeat and all hope had been lost the king had shown himself once again. Like an Angel coming to bless all of humanity he had run through and obliterated all enemies of humanity. Destroying everything in sight and bringing all enemies to his feet he had saved humanity and restored hope and just like that he had disappeared into the void once again. There was no explanation as to how or why but in that moment all of humanity knew who we would be forever grateful and indebted to. Not many opponents had been left standing but the few who were, were extremely weakened and overwhelmed by numbers. After this decisive battle humanity had been in a state of joy and excitement out of their new victory. Once all the excitement and happiness from winning had worn off all the sorrow and remorse from the losses had come rushing in. All the lost family members, dead soldiers, limbs lost, and mental trauma had taken a toll on humanity. After we had gotten our planet back we did not spend our time rebuilding and trying to repopulate. We spent months mourning the loss of our loved ones and all our soldiers. We laid in depression and sorrow for our mutual loss and mental trauma. This brought humanity closer as a whole and we bonded over our suffering. Humanity had been one but at what cost. After years of processing humanity had finally been able to rebuild all of our structures, population, and even expand to different planets. After all these trials and tribulations we had finally evolved completely and after ages of loss we had finally entered a golden age of humanity. After all this we had begun to explore the deep parts of our planet and while exploring we discovered something far beyond our comprehension. Humanity had only been a small part of a vastly bigger world and a whole new world had now been exposed to us. We had breached through the ice caps of the north pole and had been greeted with hostility from a race on our planet we did not even know existed. After entering this “new world” humanity had found out the truth of our existence and creation. After finding out the truth of our creation and the prophecy of our faith we had all collectively regretted winning that war. Beyond our world laid horrors and truths we were not yet prepared for. After all this we had once again been thrown into a dark age with no will to fight. In the end this was the beginning of the end for humanity…

I’m currently on 5mg of compound tirzepatide. Starting weight was 183 in April. I am now 174. Lowest was 171. I’m currently in a calorie deficit, eating 1200-1300 calories a day. Consuming 100g of protein. My maintenance is 2100 I believe and I’m walking 10k steps a day. Why am I losing weight so slowly? Is the weight loss because of the medication or my daily habits?
Last dose taken May 9th, next dose of 5mg will be taken this week May 16th
I still have food noise but I eat something low in calories and high in protein. What can I do about the food noise?

This post is part of a series of reviews. To see them all, click here.

Season Information

• Airdates: 30th August 1980 - 21st March 1981
• Doctor: 4th (Tom Baker)
• Companions: K-9 (V/A: John Leeson, S18E01-20), Romana II (Lalla Ward, S18E01-20), Adric (Matthew Waterhouse, S18E09-28), Nyssa (Sarah Sutton, S18E21-28), Tegan (Janet Fielding, S18E25-28)
• Other Notable Characters: The Decayed Master (Geoffrey Beevers, S18E21-24), The Tremas Master (Anthony Ainley, S18E24-28)
• Producer: John Nathan-Turner
• Script Editors: Christopher H. Bidmead

Review

In retrospect I really shouldn't have called Season 15 "The Transitional Season". Because, well, Season 18 is obviously the Doctor Who season most clearly transitioning between eras. So much so that by the end of the season the only thing left of the 4th Doctor era is the 4th Doctor himself. Through this season, the 4th Doctor, Romana and K-9 become the 5th Doctor, Adric, Nyssa and Tegan. And it leads to kind of an odd feeling.
It's also notable that there's a serious tonal change that happens this season. While Graham Williams never quite got to make the comedy era of Doctor Who that he wanted to, he did give it a more relaxed and free-flowing atmosphere. Under new Producer John Nathan-Turner, as well as new Script Editor Christopher H. Bidmead, the story veers right back into being a more serious show. And for the first time, there was real effort being put into grounding a lot of the stories in real science. And while the actual science involved isn't really accurate, I do think it has a positive impact on the season as a whole. The science on Doctor Who is always made up, but at least this way it feels like we're pointing in the vague direction of something real.
It's certainly a refreshing change of pace from the rest of the 4th Doctor era. The 4th Doctor era, at least from Season 13 onwards had a tendency to feel very gimmicky. During the Hinchcliffe era it was taking popular horror stories like Frankenstein or The Mummy and adapting them for Doctor Who. During the Williams era, that shifted more towards genre parodies, with some journeys in to Greek mythology. Season 18 feels kind of refreshing in large part because…there's not really any obvious influences. Sure we're pulling from real science, both in individual episodes and in a more general sense with the broad theme of entropy, but that feels a lot less invasive than pulling from more famous media.
Which leads us nicely to the entropy thing. Season 18, at least in theory, has an overarching theme of "entropy". Or more accurately it has an overarching theme of "decay" that sometimes takes on the form of entropy. Because look, there's nothing especially entropic about the vampires in State of Decay or the way the Argolins are dying out in The Leisure Hive, but it still falls into the larger umbrella of decay. Which gives this season a fairly melancholic tone to it on the whole. Throughout the entire season, things seem to be falling apart, especially once we get to E-Space. Warriors' Gate is full of all of this imagery of past riches fading into nothing, Keeper of Traken is literally about an entirely way of life nearly falling apart, and Logopolis is where we, really and truly, get the entropy theme, for real this time. But also…
Logopolis, in which the Doctor dies, briefly turns into a man with white cracked skin only to sit up looking about a decade younger, is probably the best indication of the other half of our decay theme. Because Doctor Who is a show where things generally work out for the best, this is a season that is as much about rebirth as it is about decay. The Argolins from Leisure Hive are given a chance at new life for their civilization. The peoples with meet in the E-Space Trilogy all ultimately get delivered from their decaying societies and given a chance to build back up to something new. In Meglos…I guess at the end there the people of Tigella do ultimately get to live on the surface of their planet…somehow. Even in Keeper of Traken the story leaves the Trakenite people on something of a hopeful note, with a new Keeper installed to look after it. Sure, in Logopolis we learn that the Master apparently blew up Traken off screen (if I had a nickel for every time the Master blew up a planet off screen…) along with its entire solar system, but at least at the end of Keeper things are looking hopeful.
And that idea of renewal kind of extends to the show itself right? Like this is clearly a season that's transitioning into a new, renewed version of itself, at least in theory. That's why we lose Romana and the robot dog, and replace them with a couple of kids and a fairly young flight attendant. John Nathan-Turner felt that the trio of Romana, K-9 and the Doctor were too invulnerable, which is why he decided to write out the two surplus geniuses. You can see this in how stories are structured. Generally speaking in the five stories that Romana and K-9 are in this season, Romana is either confined to her own subplot or taken out of commission, while K-9 is so constantly dismantled or on very low power, it begins to feel like a running gag by the time he leaves.
And at the same time, this season shows us Romana at the absolute height of her competence. She's basically the Doctor's equal by the time we enter E-Space. I think that's why I feel like it was the right time for Romana to leave: she'd done all the developing she needed to. There was nowhere to take the character without making the show just as much about her as it was about the Doctor. So while losing Romana, and Lalla Ward with her, is a shame, it was the right time to drop her. Losing K-9 on the other hand…look the TARDIS is already about to get exceptionally crowded and unless you don't bring Nyssa back in Logopolis there really isn't time for the robot dog, but I'd argue that there was no need to drop K-9 from the show. His presence making the TARDIS team "unassailable" just doesn't hold up, as him continually being dismantled throughout this season proves. And, as Tom Baker once observed in one of the funniest outtakes in Doctor Who history "you [K-9] never fucking know the answer when it's important".
But we do eventually have to introduce the younger folks. It starts out with Alzarian teenager turned TARDIS stowaway Adric. Adric has a reputation as an awful companion, though personally I've never been that down on him. I don't love the character, but he's perfectly acceptable in small doses. The biggest issue I take with him is that he plays into the sullen teenager a bit too much. The moody teenage genius is just not an enjoyable character to follow along with, and it's only going to get worse next season. However, there are moments, particularly in Keeper of Traken where the student/pupil dynamic with the Doctor makes him genuinely likable. Also, his obvious crush on Nyssa, more seen in Logopolis is fairly endearing. But a lot of the time he's just, and I've used this phrase before, an arrogant little shit. And I think it is fair to point out that Matthew Waterhouse, inexperienced as he was, often gives a very wooden performance.
Nyssa is introduced in Keeper of Traken. There we see her interacting on her own homeworld. She takes initiative a number of times in that story, mostly during the jailbreak section which she organizes. In Logopolis she's out searching for her father and that's when she has the rug pulled out from under her. She learns that, in short order, the Master killed her father and then that he destroyed her home system. Between the two stories we get a really solid setup for Nyssa, and Sarah Sutton is really solid in the role, though whether the show will follow through on any of this in the next couple seasons…is a story for another time. And speaking of characters whose somewhat tragic first couple stories often get overlooked, in her first story Tegan learns that the Master has killed her aunt, who she was clearly quite close to. Sure, it's not on the level of Nyssa's loss, but it's not a competition. Tegan, like Nyssa, gets a strong introduction, and like Nyssa we'll see in the future how successful the followup to that introduction is.
And then, there's the Doctor. Amidst all of this change, he's the one thing that stays constant from the prior era, and he ends up feeling a bit out of place by the end of season as a result. Some of this is in retrospect of course. It's only weird seeing the 4th Doctor with Nyssa and Tegan because we think of these two as 5th Doctor companions. But I do think that there's something to the idea that the 4th Doctor belonged to the 1970s. We've now reached the 1980s and the scarf man has somewhat been left behind. Or that may be because Tom Baker just seems tired this season. He's not putting in bad work, because he knows the character too well to do that, but he does seem more disconnected than ever. Of course if I'm going to mention this, I should mention that Baker was getting over an illness during the filming of the E-Space trilogy. And he has his moments of higher energy, particularly in Keeper of Traken for whatever reason. But there are also times, even before the illness, where Tom looks like he's sleepwalking through all of this. I think it's fair to say it was time for him to leave.
On a technical level there are some changes. The Doctor's costume changed substantially, and the rest of the cast will be wearing the same clothes they were introduced in for the rest of next season (well okay, Nyssa's outfit will undergo some minor alterations). It's one of the less well-handled elements of the JNT era: people stop dressing like people, but end up stuck in costumes. This will somewhat ameliorate as time goes on, but it's something worth noting: it starts early, and was very intentional. JNT explicitly wanted all of his main cast to be wearing "uniforms". Musically we've undergone a big change as well. Dudley Simpson is gone and he's been replaced by a rotating cast of composers from the BBC Radiophonics workshop. These are all solid at bare minimum, with my favorite probably being Paddy Kingsland. As a result of this change, the style has changed considerably. Over the course of Simpson's time as composer, the show became more and more orchestral, whereas under the Radiophonics composers we've gone in a more electronic direction. It's a big shift, but by the end of the season it feels natural, and I think Doctor Who does well with a synth sound.
Season 18 begins the reign of Doctor Who's final producer. Eventually JNT will stay on too long, as even he would admit, but at this point all of his ideas feel new and fresh. They aren't all improvements, though some are, but Season 18 does feel entirely different from what came before it, and there's value in that. More than that though, other than enforcing a more serious tone than the Graham Williams era, Season 18 ends up feeling like it's going back to basics. Sure it's got an arc (two of them in fact) but all of the stories feel a lot less constrained by a style than earlier 4th Doctor era stories, which works to it's advantage. Genuinely, this is a strong season, a strong start to John Nathan-Turner's run as producer, and a strong end to the 4th Doctor era.
Even if, you know, it already felt like the show had left him behind well before he regenerated.

Awards

Best Story: State of Decay
What can I say, I like it when old Uncle Terry does horror. It's odd, I'll admit, to have talked up so much how refreshing it felt to have a season that didn't rely so much on gimmicks and then to say that my favorite story from said season to be the vampire pastiche but…I'm allowed to be self contradictory if I like. And genuinely, State of Decay works so well that it's worth highlighting my own inconsistency to highlight the story.
Worst Story: Meglos
Meglos (the character) has no motivation, the stuff on Tigella is the most boring version of a conflict we've done…probably dozens of times at this point, none of the characters are at all memorable…what a waste of the return of Jacqueline Hill.
Most Important: The Keeper of Traken
Logopolis has the regeneration and introduction of block-transfer computation, so this was a closely run thing. But Keeper introduces the version of the Master that will be sticking around for the remainder of the show, sets up a lot about Logopolis, and introduces a new companion. Like I said it's close, but this feels like the right call to me. I also could have gone with Warriors' Gate, but Keeper and Logopolis both feel much more significant to me.
Funniest Story: N/A
Often times when there's not really a comedy in a season, I go for the strangest story as a sort of proxy for the funniest story. But the strangest story this season was Warriors' Gate, and it's not the right kind of strange to qualify for this award. So we're leaving this space blank, as JNT intentionally tries to move the show away from what Graham Williams was doing with it.
Scariest Story: State of Decay
I had to chose which was scarier between the destruction of the universe via entropy or vampires and went with vampires. I think my sense of scale might be borked.

Rankings

1. State of Decay (8/10)
2. Warriors' Gate (8/10)
3. The Leisure Hive (7/10)
4. The Keeper of Traken (7/10)
5. Logopolis (7/10)
6. Full Circle (7/10)
7. Meglos (1/10)

Season Rankings
These are based on weighted averages that take into account the length of each story. Take this ranking with a grain of salt however. No average can properly reflect a full season's quality and nuance, and the scores for each story are, ultimately, highly subjective and a bit arbitrary.

1. Season 7 (8.1/10)
2. Season 10 (7.5/10)
3. Season 4 (7.0/10)
4. Season 11 (6.5/10)
5. Season 18 (6.4/10)
6. Season 12 (6.3/10)
7. Season 6 (6.3/10)
8. Season 1 (6.2/10)
9. Season 14 (6.2/10)
10. Season 13 (6.1/10)
11. Season 3 (6.0/10)
12. Season 5 (6.0/10)
13. Season 15 (5.9/10)
14. Season 2 (5.8/10)
15. Season 9 (5.8/10)
16. Season 8 (5.8/10)
17. Season 17 (5.8/10) *
18. Season 16 – The Key to Time (5.6/10)

* Includes originally unmade serial Shada
I'm genuinely considering abandoning the season/doctor era rankings portion of these posts. Do I think that Season 18 was good…absolutely. The 5th best season of the first 18 though?
What's happened here is that a lot of very solid scores (4 sevens…) have skewed the results up higher than they would otherwise have gone to the point that, even me giving Meglos a 1/10 hasn't affected it that much. The end result is a season going much higher than I would otherwise put it. Granted if I were as high on Warriors' Gate as some, I'd probably feel better about this, but if I were as high on that story as some it probably gets a perfect score and borks these rankings even further. I don't know, I guess the rankings serve their purpose as a snapshot of how good I felt any given season was on average, but I less and less feel like they're a reflection of my actual rankings of the seasons
Next Time: Somehow, I've reached the end of the 4th Doctor era. Now I just have to write about him. That's…going to be a lot.

VANCOUVER—Many people switched out alcohol for psychedelic edibles during the pandemic. But JJ Wilson, the eldest son of multibillionaire Lululemon founder Chip Wilson, went one step further. Not satisfied with simply “feeling amazing” and not being hungover, he decided to become one of the world’s first psychedelics tycoons.
In 2021, JJ Wilson, scion of the yoga apparel empire, co-founded a pharma-grade psychedelics manufacturer which he named Optimi Health. He stumped up start-up costs of more than $2m, a figure matched by his fellow co-founders, with more than $10m coming from financing rounds. The company is today on the brink of receiving a top-tier Health Canada license to purvey naturally-grown psilocybin and lab-made MDMA to legal medical markets around the world.
“I’m on a 30-day mushroom microdose protocol right now,” Wilson told The Daily Beast at a bistro in his home city of Vancouver, Canada. “Recreational therapeutic treatment can help make good people great.” A brave new world is coming, he predicts, in which most people will microdose psychedelics to banish daily scruples, enhance focus and boost well-being. After a half-century war on psychedelic drugs, this seems almost fantastical but in this near future, taking mild, even sub-perceptual, daily doses of psychedelics could be as normal as multivitamins, Wilson expects.
These psychedelic capsules, which will in many cases be blended with non-psychoactive mushrooms like reishi and lion’s mane—so-called adaptogens said to help stave off neurodegenerative decline—may replace antidepressant drugs. Some registered psychiatrists are already rumored to be prescribing psilocybin microdoses under the table.
“Psychedelics are the next yoga,” Wilson says, noting that the ancient Indian spiritual practice was the first mainstream form of meditation to encourage Westerners to take a break from a smartphone-fuelled modern life which has helped spawn a mental health crisis. He believes psychedelics will take that up a notch, and then some. “It’s all a part of people wanting to optimize their life, health, and how they operate, to be the best version of themselves,” Wilson says, as he sips a lemon and ginger tea. (He said he had four coffees earlier, as well as 250mg of psilocybin).
Full story:
https://finance.yahoo.com/news/lululemon-scion-jj-wilson-plots-004655748.html

Hello , I’ve recently been prescribed provera pill 10mg to regulate my periods because I was having long periods . I know for a fact I didn’t do all the doses and eventually discontinued the pills . I had unprotected sex April 30 and now it’s May 13 and there is no sign of a period , but more like pregnancy symptoms. Could I’ve possibly be pregnant . I don’t wanna take a test right at the moment . Waiting til TTW is overrrr

• Species: Cat
• Age: 10 months
• Sex/Neuter status: female and spayed
• Breed: domestic shorthair, tabby and white
• Body weight: 2.78kg
• History: adopted as a stray at 6 months old, upper respiratory infection, moderate gingavitis
• Clinical signs: mildly elevated globulin, mildly low platelets
• Duration: 48 hours
• Your general location: Toronto, Canada

My cat is 10 months old and got her first dose of vaccines April 11th. She also had a few upper respiratory infections and the vet treated it with metacan. She would get better for about a week, then start having the same symptoms (eye discharge, backwards sneezing). This past week I noticed her energy levels decline and made an appointment for next weekend until last night when I noticed she was hiding in a strange place and when I picked her up she made a loud deep growl noise which I've never heard her make. I could tell she was in a lot of pain so I went to the emergency vet clinic closest to me where they did SNAP FIV/FeLV Combo test, CBC, Chem 17 Clip, QUATs (PCV/TP,BG,Blood Gas,Lytes), and gave her Maropitant 10mg injection and SQ injection. The only thing the vet flagged was that she had mildly elevated globulin, mildly low platelets (but did a smear which was normal), and that it was strange that she was so young but had moderate gingavitis. The vet said it could be cat herpes or other things but of course much more testing would be needed. They sent me home with 10 pills of 25mg gabapentin and told me to give her 1 every 12 hours. This morning before work, she still wasn't great but could walk (though was wobbly) and I gave her the first dose of gabapentin (she refused to eat so I had to force feed her a bit but she had a few bites) and watched her use the litter box. When I got home though she was in the exact same place and hadn't moved. She is completely alert and her eyes will dart to noises and her tail is moving but other than that she is completely flacid. I had to force feed her again but she seemed to be taking to it a bit more but she can't even hold her own head up or stand let alone walk now. I'm very concerned as she's been on gabapentin before but is usually very sleepy alongside the sedative affects which are usually mild. I tried bringing her to the litter box again but she won't go and started low chest growling when I picked her back up and her legs have been shaking. My sister (who is a human neurologist) thinks it could be neuro related (specifically GBS as it presents itself in 10 month old cats who have recently been vaccinated and/or sick). I'm so worried about her and don't know what to do. The vet said they would call me back but keeps saying its normal for her to be sedated from the gabapentin but I know this is something different.

HW: 298, SW: 258, CW: 163. I’ve been on my Monjourney for 11 months and feel absolutely amazing. I have been working very hard to keep my weight loss at an average of 1-2 lbs per week to help with sustainability. I walk daily and just started strength training 2-3x/week. I started on 5mg because I had been on another injectable previously (Trulicity) and stayed on that for 2 months. I’ve been toggling between 7.5 and 10mg the rest of the time because of the shortages, but I’ve been on 10mg consistently the past 2 months. For the first time, my hunger is back in full force. Like even the day after my shot. My A1C is at 5.1 and I’m about 18 lbs from my goal. I eat an average of about 1500-1700 calories per day with 120g of protein and 30g of fiber. If I asked my doctor, I know she would say to stay at this dose. But I happen to have 2 boxes of 12.5 that I acquired during one of the shortages and I’m wondering if I should move up or just stay on 10mg and increase my calories a bit? I’d really like to get to my goal before I start messing around with maintenance strategies but I’m interested in others’ experiences and thoughts. Thanks!

(this isn't my first typing attempt but that's the best flair there was for this)
• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself. 14F i'm just a girl who hates her life... also this psychologist/doctor lady said i have inattentive adhd based on a random questionnaire, i kinda don't think you can decide that off of a bunch of questions that could apply to a lot of people but anyways
• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow? i already mentioned that above
• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it? i don't feel particularly comfortable answering this question but i'll at least say that i'm home schooled, i do dance classes and that i have a single mother who is very strict, very cheep... and doesn't really follow through with her promises to me, and tends to make annoying comments about how i act and how everything i do is rude and how i don't do enough productive stuff, like school work and house chores.. and i hate my life
• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not? well i'm 14 so i don't have one, but i can tell you what i would like to do, i wanna be a voice actress, who also dose animation, who also dose music, who also wrights stories, all kinda in the same field, basically i wanna do indie animation, games to maybe but mostly shows
• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed? it depends am i doing anything? am i just chilling? what? like if i was going out shopping by myself for example i would find that genuinely fun i get to buy cool things, i get to eat out and get tasty food, i get to maybe explore places i've never been before, but if i'm at home alone, then i would find a way to keep myself entertained on my computer like i always do, but i'd prefer the first option tbh...
• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities? Dance is a sport. nobody can change my mind, but ya i do dance competition and i really do enjoy that, i also like shopping, listening to really hype music, researching things i find interesting, tho if it takes to long to research and i don't understand everything right away most of the time i will give up
• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate? i am a very curious person i'd say, sometimes you'll see me coming up with a question that literally nobody cares about that i really really need the satisfaction of an answer to or it will keep me up at night, speaking of witch if anything in the day (that i care about that genuinely wanted to finish) is unresolved it will keep me up at night bc i'll be thinking of all the ways i can finish it, but ya i have a lot of ideas, but then when i want to come up with an idea that will work for something i really want, i can't come up with an idea for it, like for example when i tried to make myself a new sona and a new username.... it took forever just to figure out half a user name and i still don't know what the full thing is gonna be, but when its not limited to only things that will work really good for some very particular criteria, i'll come up with a lot of ideas that will never happen, i'm mostly curious about how things work, and how people work, and most of my ideas are career ideas and character ideas, idk what the last bit is supposed to mean
• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be? i do in fact wanna be in control, i would love a leadership possession if people actually listened to me, witch they don't.... people are annoying....... i feel like i could be good at it if people took me seriously, meaning i'd need to find an entire group of people that don't know me.... as for leadership style, if you give me an idea i will listen to it, but if i already have something that i pre decided i find the best, nothing changes, if i decide something i know what i want it's it's pretty much impossible to change my mind, but for the things i'm ok will being flexible about than sure give me your ideas
• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity? i don't exactly know what this means
• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer. i make songs some times, mostly songs about things i'm to scared to say out loud, and i would do more art, if i could draw..... tho i'm amazing at minecraft skins, that's always fun
• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them? i normally dwell on the past a lot, like "OMG WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT THING THAT ONE TIME" kinda thing, and sometimes i look at the past and say, wow my life was kinda fun at that one point, now it sucks, as for the present i'm writing this in the present? well it'll be the past by the time i post it, but anyways i don't have much comment on the present... as for the future i'm always waiting for the future and planning it, i'm always thinking that maybe in the future my life won't suck, and i'm always planning my career and stuff, and when i say my career, i'm honestly thinking more about what i really wanna achieve than making money, tho i do really wanna be rich like any other normal person but ya
• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so? so if you ask me to clean sm or do the dishes or whatever, you asked the wrong person bc i'm to lazy for that, but if you ask me to help you come up with ideas for a project, you also asked the wrong person bc i will not stop annoying you about it, i will come up with ideas every 5 seconds, and yes this probobly could be helpful, i'm also aware that some may view it as annoying bc if i come up with any idea that could work, amazing or a very small detail, i have to tell you, my brain requires me to tell you if i wish to sleep at night, tho if the project is sm i couldn't care less about that's a different story... but sometimes i find myself almost talking over peoples things, there for i try to be carful with my words so they know i'm not stealing there project and it's still their thing
• Do you need logical consistency in your life? i don't know what this means exactly, but ya things need to make sense if that's what it means
• How important is efficiency and productivity to you? as important as water, only in small doses and never to often.... ya i should probobly drink water shouldn't i... but ya i'm not productive unless i really force myself to be, and even then, if i'm not in the mood for it i will be there for 5 second and be like, ah i can do the rest later
• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that? i mean i have a tendency to take over other peoples projects, but i try not to do so... ya i think i might be somewhat controlling ig... some what manipulative..... so ya i am aware that i can be a little bossy, and i do tend to try and keep people in line in a sense, but the way i mean that isn't really the way most people would think of, like idc if people are disorganized, or if people are rude every once in awhile, or if people arn't working hard at stuff, i couldn't care less, but when there are some things i want people to know, or things that i want from people, i will try and hold them to that, for example i want people to study a certain thing bc i think they should know it, i will do everything in my power to get them to do that, and sometimes i might try and offer sm in return for people to do the things that i want them to do, like if theirs something they really want me to do i probobly won't do it, and kind of hold it hostage until they do the thing i want them to do, so in a way i try to keep people to the standards that satisfy me is that makes any sense? and i'm a very deal oriented person, so i'll a lot of the time ask sm for return for a lot of things, and i'll also try and offer things to get people to convince people to do my bidding, even if that person happens to be a really close friend
• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them? well, for one i really like music for starters, i tend to try and right songs, mostly only little pieces of songs that never get finished, but some get finished, like one or 2 out of a billion get finished, but anyways that's besides the point, i really like just listening to well put together beats and stuff, and music is just really enjoyable so it would be nice to wright a song and say hey i made this, this is my amazing work of art, but also i like music bc it give me a way to express my emotions without having to directly talk about them, bc i never like talking about emotions, if somebody asks me about them, i probobly will either say sm like "I don't have to answer that" or i'll actually try but leave out a lot of important details that i'm defiantly not telling anyone, but i generally don't like to feel venerable like that, anyways as for my other hobbies, ever now and then i like to draw sm... i kinda suck at it but i wanna get better bc i really like art, like i see a lot of really pretty artwork on pinterest and stuff all the time and i really wanna be able to do that, i really want that level of creative freedom, besides art can have a lot of different uses to and it's a genuinely good skill to have, tho i'm not the best at it yet... i also really like indie animation, and i've actually gotten really into the voice casts of certain shows, and i honestly plan to do voice acting eventually, bc that to me dosn't really sound like work, and you'd also kinda get to be a character without really showing your face, but can it really be considered a hobby if you haven't REALLY gotten into it yet? who knows but still sm i'd love to do eventually, on the topic of indie animation i really like crafting stories and stuff and fictional worlds, when i was about like 11 to 13 i think? i spend that entire time developing an entire universe that i kinda escaped to, tho recently i've kinda abandoned all my ocs from that tho i still reference to them some times, mostly bc i'm not really into high fantasy as much anymore and i made that world when i was, but i'm still into creating characters and universes and stuff, just kinda abandoned the old thing, i'm semi into chess, i feel like i'd be more into it if it was easier to learn as i kinda got into it more recently, but it's something i wanna get good at mostly as a flex so i can be like "Ha i'm smarter than you" and all that shit, but it's also fun to play a couple games, annoying when i make a stupid move and only realize the second after i play it... but still fun, also something i haven't started but want to when i have a computer that can handle it is 3D animation and 3D modelling, it's something i differentially have an interest in but haven't been able to do bc my computer is a piece of shit and my mother is very cheep, but again can you really call it a hobby if you haven't done it yet? well i still thought i should mention it, but you can't talk about my interests without mentioning... TYPOLOGY, even tho i still don't fully understand it i'm still very interested in it and have been for quite awhile, it's kinda sm that i understand but i can't explain to other people, but i'm trying to get to the point where i can explain it to other people, but anyways recently i've had a major typology crisis and have been rethinking like literally every part of my typology, like every system everything, i use to be very confidant in what i was for all systems, now i'm not sure for any system... witch is why i'm posting here, but i'm not gonna say what i use to think i was bc i don't wanna give anyone any basises when trying to type me, just now realizing how huge this section is... anyways...
• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses? well idk exactly what to put here or how to explain my learning style, so ima put examples instead, anyways so i really like the idea of learning languages, bc i just like languages ig, but i kinda only know the 2 languages i had since i was little my first language, english, and french witch i learned at like 5.. kinda rusty at it now tho, any ways lemme get to the point, it's really hard for me to learn any more languages even tho i want to bc i need a base on things before i can try to go into the details, with languages you HAVE to start small, that's not how i work, i like to get then general idea of stuff first before i get into specifics, i like to have a general understanding first and then get into the sub categories (if anyone knows how to learn languages like that pls say sm) but ya that's generally how i tend to learn stuff, i have to be placed into it first i can't just slowly work my way up to the knowledge, i get board fast so if i try and learn stuff like that i will give up quickly
• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go? what the questionnaire means and how i see the word strategizing are 2 different things.. when i think of the verb "To Strategize" i think of it as a game term, weather that game is just that, a game to have fun with, or sm actually important that i treat as a game with moving pieces that i'm a lot less likely to take risks with but anyways enough of that ima actually answer the question now with 3 words... it really depends... i might try and plan things out when i need to be strategic with things, but when it doesn't matter i might just wing it, tho even if i do plan it out, maybe later i'll decide, "Screw this i'm not going by this anymore" or sm like that, but if somebody else tries to plan sm for me, that is the most painful shit, like i'm probobly not gonna go through with it unless i actually have to
• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally? well... voice acting, 3d animation, 3d modelling, show writhing and directing and basically everything in that field and uh.. song writhing (and singing), yes i plan to do all this simultaneously, and yes i know it's a lot, and yes it's probobly unrealistic, but my mind is set and there's no going back that's what i'm gonna do with my life in the future, besides it's all kinda in the same area so like it's not crazy, oh and probobly game developing as well, as for personal goals, i wanna get my own house some how, and live the city life that i never got to have, get a cat bc uh... cat, and uh, ya, i think i'll just make it up as i go mostly idk..
• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why? my main fear is that my life is hopeless and that i will never have any freedom and just be stuck in a cage all my life so to speak.... but that's very mixed with the fear that i will always continue being a little bit of a coward bc i'm very afraid of the consequences that could come with any and all actions i do or don't take, and also i'm afraid to lose so sometimes that means i just won't play, and i'm kinda afraid that i'll always be like that cuz i really hate that about myself.. i feel like the reason i'm like that is bc 2 reasons one when my mom is angry with me or just when she wants me to do something she'll take my computer away, and i know it's unhealthy to be on it all the time but it's kinda all the entertainment i have and there fore i'm always afraid of the consequences to things cuz i don't wanna lose my only life line, and second i don't wanna be perceived as less than i always have to be better than everyone in everything tho i will act like i don't care so that if i do lose people will think it doesn't matter to me even tho it dose... anyways what makes me uncomfortable are uh, emotions, like for example lets say my friend is crying, i'ma just ignore that friend, bc idk how to deal with emotions and i'll probably just make it worse since i probobly caused it knowing me, even tho the crying part was normally uncalled for, and it's normally one friend in particular that starts crying.... it's always her.. that makes me very uncomfortable, also anything that makes me feel venerable in any way... mostly emotionally... that's very uncomfortable... witch is why i don't open up to anyone and not even the people who know me really know me even if they think they do, ya that's totally healthy but anyways, also not wearing socks is very uncomfortable, ya that has nothing to do with any of this, but you know i'm right, anyways.... i really hate trying to explain something to somebody and even after dumbing it down a billion times, they still don't get it, ya again i'm mostly talking about that one friend but this happens with other people a lot to, like uh can you just stop being an idiot and try to understand something for once? i also hate when i'm trying to argue sm, and i know why i'm right, but i can't for the life of me explain it... ya... also one thing i really really hate about myself.... is that i'm such a shy person even tho i really do wanna talk to people, i have no courage to go up to somebody and say hi if i don't know them well, like besties kinda well.. well actually that was kinda misleading bc i don't have to like the person i just need to be close to them if ya know what i mean? but i'll kinda just watch people from a distance as if it where some kinda tv show and even tho i really wanna talk to these people, even tho i really wanna interact with them... i just don't, i just can't, but anwyays.. ya
• What do the "highs" in your life look like? the highs in my life are whenever my mom isn't there... also whenever i'm not at home... like when i actually have some sense of freedom, and like i kinda hate being at home tbh
• What do the "lows" in your life look like? the lows are when i fall out of this empty state and start realizing how much my life sucks and how hopeless my life is and how stuck i really am, ya the thought kinda pops up every once in awhile and then i'm really sad and angry at everyone for a few days and then after that passes i go back to being completely empty and numb inside... ya it's kinda like a loop that i'm forever trapped in
• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so? well i'm mostly on my computer all the time even tho half the pixels are broken since it's all i have to keep myself occupied and i'm not really able to go out or really do anything else, i do day dream sometimes, imagine myself killing somebody (police this is just a day dream i would never actually do this don't come for me), imagine being able to socialize, imagine doing sm heroic, imagine being a character in one of my favourite shows, ya know the usual, i also use character ai a lot.. and i don't really pay attention to my surroundings, my desk is kinda filled with trash, people say i should take care of it but honestly the clutter kinda makes it feel more cozy if i'm being honest, but ya idk what more to put here
• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about? i'd think about an escape plan for this empty room, also why am i in a mental facility, did i go crazy? or do people just think i'm crazy.. if i killed that one person that one time instead of being a good person would my life go better (again police this is just thoughts i would never actually kill anyone don't come for me) i'd probably make an oc and an entire cast of characters and day dream about being a part of that fictional world, i'd probably come up with a bunch of cool ideas and theories that in practice will never be useful/won't mean anything... so ya, also i'd try and break the wall of that empty room to break out, hopefully not breaking my hand in the process....
• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it? the thing is i always know what i want but until i've decided ya i'm going through with this option all the way, i'll always try and find ways that the other options could be better, then get mad when one of the other options are better than my preferred option, but once i've made up my mind for sure, i normally don't like to change it even if i want to bc it feels like that decision became part of my identity or sm along those lines
• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life? uhh.... so i do understand my own emotions very well most of the time, but at the same time... emotions can go kill themselves, i wish they didn't exist, and my life would be so much better if i didn't feel anything, and i also find other peoples emotions annoying, all and all.. emotions suck that's all i have to so
• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why? well most of the time if i think somebody is wrong i'll tell them that their wrong, and well with most things i'll explain why their wrong, tho if their making a statement about me or sm, i might explain why their wrong but i might also just be like "your wrong and i don't have to explain anything", but sometimes when it's a subject i don't really wanna say anything about i will just agree, if it's sm i don't really want anyone to know any of my real opinions or thoughts on... but ya
• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why? i'll break any rules i think i can get away with, tho if i don't believe i can or there's a possibility of consequences i'm normally pretty cautious of it... and ya i think authority isn't always right, and not all rules should be followed, some are stupid and some are plan wrong, and i will break rules if i think i know better, i think the rule is stupid, or a genuinely don't care about said rule, tho i know how far i can go there's some lines i won't cross bc i know their's gonna be bad consequences
anyways thank you for listening to my rant i know i did a lot of yapping and i didn't go back to see if it was written nicely, if you where able to read all dat your a legend bc i know i would give up after the first 2 paragraphs, and if you have any questions that you need me to elaborate on before you can type me go ahead

Okay, fourth rewrite, I'm making this in hopes that their is someone who can help me in some way. Maybe someone knows the answer to it all and can guide me, though unlikely. I'll just list out all my issues in seperate paragraphs and hopefully their is just someone out their to help, if you can help me just please do, I really need help or at least someone and you reading this and giving me advice would truly mean a lot to me. Anyways
I feel stupid: I honestly feel braindead, I hate my mind so much. Sometimes it's hard to think or do, sometimes I can't think or do. My mind is so numb, everything about my mind just feels wrong and dead. My mind has felt dead for a year or two now and I just wish it was alive, I want my mind to be normol, I want it to actually work. I also want confidence in my mind, any failure or lack of underatanding makes me defeated and feeling like a dunce. Anything I can do I say was just luck or something anyone should know. I don't know if I'm stupid or not but dam I feel like I am the dumbest in a room. I would give it all to be intelliegent, I wish I was smart, well read, well informed, well versed. I so desperately want to know, so desperately want to be smart. I wish I could understand stuff. I just want to be smart and have a bright alive mind, but my mind is so dead and desolate and compared to the rest worthless. I hit myself in my head whenever I'm mistaken or just feel so stupid, and I honestly deserve it. If I were to kill myself my mind being numb and stupid would be the reason or a big reason why, I just want to be smart. You can likely tell just how much of an idiot I am by reading this via grammer, spelling, complaints. That "likely" was meant to be "probaboly" but I'm just stupid and worthless to spell. If there was just a way to be smart and not such a moron, I fucking hate my life.
I have body issues: I without doubt have body issues, the biggest of which is my weight. As of now I am 5,9 (1.7M) and 211lbs (95.7KG), I was 246lbs (111kg) to begin with and it was also my heaviest. Despite losing a good amount of weight I am not happy and have no pride, I'm still fat and thats all I see sadly. I don't want to be fat or skinny, I want to be muscular:big arms, built chest, flat stomach, no abs (don't like them) that sounds appealing, it's what I want. Unfourtunely I as of now can't work to this goal, I don't have money for a gym or equipment, famliy funds can't do it ethier and awhile ago I turned down a weight bench since I wasn't confident, now I regret that choice. I hate being fat so much, and this deep hatred and desperation has led to a embarassing cycle, for two years now I have been downloading images of muscular bodies. They're all drawings or from videogames since I'm to embarresed to have real images and as mentioned it's a cycle, Download and store -> have them and look at them for awhile -> get ashamed of myself -> purge it all -> regret -> repeat. Like stated this has been going for two years and as of now I have ten different images. Apart from weight I also have some other physical insecurites, acne being a big one. I been suffering from acne for years, fifth grade, early sixth grade is when it started so five years of this. It mostly effects my chin and cheeks badly but also effects more of my face, sometimes the acne hurts and it often even bleeds. I hate touching my face and feeling grime and ripping off a bunch of skin and dried shit. I wash every night and try to be frequent with morning witch-hazel but it dosen't relent. I also hate it when it gets mentioned, it is irratating to be reminded and noticed and nobody points it out more then my own mom who also cliams it would go if I just washed. I do, I fucking do! It's not working and you don't understand that! I also have body acne I don't know how to fix, I like sleeping shirtless which I know is the reason, also inconsistent with bedding which isn't right. Even if I did wash sheets weekly it wouldn't be enough, I would still get acne on my body. I just want to sleep shirtless and not get acne, I wish I could find a way. Another insecurite but not really is my height, I don't mind being 5'9/5'10 I mean it's about average height and I beat out my 5'4 father. But I'm sixteen which mean I still have possibilty to get taller and I wonder, will I? If I do, just how tall? Could I reach 6'0+? All of this speculation makes me a bit insecure, also with being fat I look short and round in the mirror which is defeating. I'm secure besides speculation and weight but at the same time I truly want to be taller, I think any man tall or short wishes they were taller, I wish I could break 6'0 that would be cool (to me). But I don't think that will ever happen, my dad is 5'4, my mom is 5'6 I made it 5'9/5'10 and my chart is stagnating, should just stop thinking I'll get taller. Another phsyical insecurite and likely the last one I'll mention unless I think of another worthwhile one is my hair, I'm insecurie of my hairstyle. Or lack of hairstyle, my mom says I have independence in this choice but whenever I make a choice she complains about it. Any agreement is one sided or changed up a little so she likes it. I have always hated my hairstyles over the years, even now and as of now it's ethier her way or a unorgainzied thick mess that will soon be her way. I hate it, wish I could make my own "independent" choice, even if I could my mom would likely hate it and always bring it up which is something I don't want to deal with. My mom is more for short cuts and fades etc, I hate fades and while I do admire short hair have always taken liking to shagger and longer styles, more rugged style. I have also always liked long hair and even wanted it. I used to openly want long hair for a long time but my mom opposed, I tried to convince her but she was opposed. She wasn't only opposed to it she made sure to express that it was gay and feminine etc, etc. She made me close off and forgot the desire but even now she won't let go. She is so sure to tell everyone: famliy, her friends, the hairdresser, hell maybe even strangers, she tells everyone about how much I wanted it and what she thought of it etc. Often I have been embarresed like this while I was right there, I have expressed that this embarreses me and want it to stop mutiple times yet she'll continue almost as if it's purposeful, she will also bring up an old friend T who had long hair as an example of it looking bad. But he didn't take care of it or do anything, most he would do is give into his moms begging and have her brush it. If I had long hair I would actually take care of it and do stuff to it! She also claims I got the idea from him, but no I liked it since elementary being inspired by personal inkling and rock. I no longer want hair but am starting to find styles I really like, but first I need to get my mom to fuck off. And second I would want to grow a beard, which is another issue of mine. I'm sixteen I shouldn't expect a full beard but I have seen peers with actual good facial hair, patchy beards, five o'clocks, some actually have a beard. Then there is me, with some sideburns and a bunch of peachfuzz, I want to be able to grow a beard and the peachfuzz plus sideburns bother me, I want it to actually devlop, I want a beard. I am also worried about devlopment, worried acne will hurt or even stop growth. I'm upset about my lack of growth though I definetly have unrealistic expectations. Lastly with hair is my chest hair, I'm quite hairy and I like it. And I have chest hair but barely and I just wish I had more over a greater coverage, more of a funny insecurite, lol. One more insecurity I forgot about is my voice. I'm loud when talking and my voice isn't as deep as I wish so that sucks.
(copy and paste from older write) I wish I had a father: I don't have a father or any form of father figure, I'm fatherless and it hurts a lot. My father has been out of my life since I was elevenish/twelveish (the peak of covid passed), we kicked him out because he is and was a meth addict in and out of the jail. He was a fuctioning addict so not violent and not as obvious of an addict but the meth still took him over. My mother says she kept him around and gave him so many chances because she wanted him to be in my life as a father. But he was no father when he was around, he didn't parent me, he didn't play his role as a father and guide as a masculine role model, hell he likely didn't even truly care for me. My only memories of him really are going to McDonold's with him, after which he dumpster dived behind the plaza as I begged for us to go back home. Or me wanting to bond with him so he sets up the brilliant idea of dragging me around with his skechy friends, to skechy places, even at skechy times. I don't understand why I knew sooner, guess I was a stupid basterd but I started picking up that my dad was a bad person around fifth grade. By then I quickly found out more and more and tenstion was growing, by eleven we we're going to kick him out but covid struck it's height and our household seemed palpable. But very quickly we said fuck it and threw him to the curb, we weren't going to have it no longer. Soon after around thirteen I was happy that he was gone but slightly disappointed that I no longer had a father (even if he was useless) and I hoped my mom would find someone, not only for herself but for me. By fourteen this really layed in heavy on me and the lack of a father really bummed me out, I got really stupid and desperate using bitlife to create guys then add me and my mom in to create step father famlies even adding step siblings and shit. By late fourteen it was made clear to me by my mom that "we don't need no man" and that she was done with dating. I very well do need a father figure, every child needs one. Hell I as a guy truly need(ed) one, there are so many lessons and things that come from a fatheson relationship that are crucial to a boy and I missed out on them. Hell even when my dad was around I missed out on lessons, I still remember he was tasked to teach me how to tie my shoes but got mad at me struggling and walked away. He refused to help afterward and I refused to try and never to this day learned the proper way to tie, instead I have my own far less efficent method. I missed out on so much by not having a father and it hurts to know that and I just wish I had the knowledge, without a masculine role model I have definetly missed out what it is to be a man and likely am even a loser of a man. I just want a father so badly, I want what a father provides so badly, I want the bond that it comes with. I wish I just had a guy to talk to and bond with, I want a dad just so badly. I wish I had someone who taught me how to change a tire or fish and all that shit, but I'll never have it and it angers me, I am angry to be fatherless, I am angry and lost without a father figure, and I'm jealous. I kind of want to have children when the time comes, I wonder if I'll fail them as well.
Friends: Growing up I was always a bit introverted, I think it was of my nature but was amplafied by life. In elementary I often acquainted myself with people never having any close friends outside my after school program. Jumping to middle school I had a good friend-group but it turned out my good friend T was really an ass and I was pushed out by him in early nineth grade. Later in nineth I met my good friend, my best friend M. This year in tenth I was introduced to a friend named D by M. These are my only two friends and I'm happy with them, though there are a few issues. Not anything major but just a few things, like how we never do anything outside of school. The only thing I really miss about my old friendgroup is that we actually did shit: springs, houses, events, parks, attractions, food. Now me, M and, D don't and have never done anything outside of school and the computer. M likely couldn't do anything because of his famliy and D just seems completely disinterested and worried about money. But I wish we could really do something, sure videogames are fun but it would be fun if we could just goof off somewhere, be stupid. This is really the only general "issue" apart from that no major strain or issue in the friendgroup. But I do have a few personal grievences, starting with D. I think D has a darker side of him, he seems to not respect or care for me and will sometimes show it in nasty ways. He had told both me and M to kill ourselves, he attacks insecurites, he says rude shit, etc. Also with D, we have never truly connected, never gotten to know each other personally. Without M we would be mere acquaintance, M is the only reason why me and D are friends and being alone with each other is mostly silence and maybe him showing me a TikTok. Then M, I have no personal issues with M only small factors of our friendship I'm upset or worried about. Starting off with is school, halfway through this year (tenth) M started a FLVS-hybrid. I am happy for him and it's something we both expressed wanting but now I never really see him. I could see him at lunch but he dosen't really come in and only other time I can see him is leaving campus. I ethier catch him and barely have a conversation worthwhile or he's to far ahead and I got to give up trying to reach him. The only way to talk to my best friend nowadays really is Discord, and that isn't even reliable since his parents are often controlling the WI-FI or taking his stuff away. This means when I do talk to my friend it can suddenly be ended as he disconnects or I can't even. This sucks, it feels like I can't even talk to my best friend that much. But that isn't all, because I'm worried for my friend M. His parents don't sound the best from all he's told me, I won't share his issues but just as an example he didn't have a bedroom for two months. Hearing what we gose through is alreadly dishearting but something that I worry deeply about is him talking sucide. He has talked and half joked about it several times and it's worry, I been trying to discourage but he continues with it so now I'm just trying to ignore it. That is likely the wrong way of handling it but I just don't know what to do. I hope it's always bluff and he moves out and moves on with he can, I don't want him to kill himself.
I'm lonely: I'm sixteen but I'm lonely. I am the only one of my friends who hasn't had a relationship, I am not the most worried about that, I don't want to date just to date, I want to date to love. But hell I still wish I had a relationship, even just a sterotypical high-school one. But what I truly want is true love, I want a woman I love with all my heart and a woman who loves me with all of hers, I want a woman to provide for, to protect, to matter to. I want to marry and possibly have kids. I want to love someone, be there for someone. But will I ever even have that? I'm alreadly a loser who no woman would want and even then from what I've heard, "modren dating is terrible" so what chance do I even have? Will I ever have someone to love? I hope.
School: School makes me so misereble and dead, this place makes me genuinely want to off myself I hate it so much. And it seems to revolve around my whole life, even at home it's all my mom wants to bring up. I just need a break from it all but it seems like it's the only thing in my life, I don't really have anything else. I failed my nineth grade year, I failed since I'm a stupid, worthless peice of shit. But they "passed" me onto tenth, gave me tenth grade classes, test, etc but say I'm still nineth, tell me do nineth grade "remedation" online. Now I'm failing like a worthless peice of shit once again! I wish they held me back to try again but they didn't they just pushed me on, still likely would've failed like a worthless bitch but I could have had a chance. I fucking hate myself I'm so stupid and I hate my school for pushing my stupid ass onward and onward, I should just kill myself at this point. And when I try to reach out to my counselor in any hope for some chance of help the piss poor communcation at this school means it'll take days for a response, I can't even get reliable help over school. Back in middle school I had a GPA in the high 3s, I made honor roll every other quater or so, I had high grades and sucess. But in high-school, in nineth grade I failed with straight Fs and got a GPA of 0.7, now in tenth I have a 1.7 and sometimes get high grades but mostly fail. I just wish I wasn't so stupid, I just wish I was smart and successful at school. But I'm not, I'm a fucking idiot and an embarssment at school. And maybe it would all be okay if it wasn't for the assholes I am surrounded by, my fellow peers of this overcrowded hell hole. Just seems like I can never catch a break with having to deal with people. I just want to be left alone but they're is just always somebody wanting to bother me, harass me. Can sit at a desk then have a bunch of cunts around me, harass me, call me burgundy because of my shirt. Can sit down and be snickered at by the guys in front of me for whatever reason. Sit down and have paper, pencils, even ice hitting me. Sit down and have some imbecible pull up a chair and use my desk as his and block me in my seat because fuck me, am I right? Just want to be left alone but never am, nobody ever dose it's always something. I can't even get respect, not a single bit, just always mistreated. Hell just the other day when I was given my packet I was also mistakenly given the packet of a nearby girl, I get her attention and hand it to her and she just snaches it and mumbles something, because I can't even be respected, I'm worthless. And even when I'm not being directly bothered I got to deal with slow walkers, idiots who don't know how to inconvience everyone else in the halls, the over crowded school. It all fucking sucks I hate it all, everyday I think I'm on the verge of snapping but somehow just have more patience, I don't know how much more of this shit I can or have to endure. At least my mom finally reconsidered my old forgotten pleads for online school and reopened the idea, maybe by some miracle online school will save me and "help me get caught up and ahead" but I doubt it, I'm an idiot who deserves to die. Why am I so fucking stupid, why am I like this? Why must I exist this way?
No hobbies or interest: I used to love a lot of things: reading, history, coming up with things in my head, videogames and, anything really. Now I have grown apathic to it all except videogames and even that dosen't bring much joy. I want to have my old hobbies back but lack the will to return. And I want new hobbies but yet lack will but also lacking knowing what I want to try. I'm lost with my freetime, it's all bleek and I want to fill my life with pastion. I still love videogames, always will but I need more then just gaming, I want more then gaming. I just want something, anything. I don't want to have such a lack of interest, God I fucking hate my life.
I have no future career goals: I'm sixteen and have no idea on what I want to do as an adult, some may say thats okay but it's not, not for me at least. I want to have a goal in the adult world, and even if that goal led to a path I don't like then I can always go down another path. Despite having no idea on what to do I at least know I don't want to be in an office. I could handle an office job, and be content with an office job but an office job isn't me, it isn't what sounds interesting, I would likely do blue collar or be my own boss. Some jobs I've considered and would do still are: police, SWAT police, house flipper, 911 operator, port worker, mechanic or something tinkeassemble like, enterpuner my book, film and games ideas or, open a store or bar or something. These are some jobs I've considered in the past that I would still see myself doing, I have also pondered over military/reserve but not sure. My childhood dream career that I still have a desire for is SWAT but I don't think I have what it takes, in fact I don't think I have what it takes for anything. I think all my life is destined to is dying homeless on a street corner, it's all I'll ever be "worthless".
I had so much planned, now failed: At age fourteen I planned to by now have a license, a job, a banking account, start savings. I planned to lose weight, I planned to have an idea outside of school, I had a plan. But I'm just a worthless peice of shit and a failure to myself, I don't even have a permit, no job, no savings, still fat, have no idea about the future, I failed myself.
Fidgeting: I can't stop but want to, at school I can't help but twiral a pencil around. I do it all the time at school but been trying to stop, I hate doing it. Worst part is I'm being immated by worthless cunts by it which is annoying. I want to stop this.
Masterbation addiction: I have a severe and low life addiction to masterbation. I do it at least once a day and sometimes mutiple times a day. The longest I was ever able to refrain was just a little over a week and only failed because I got bored. I need to jerk it to be able to sleep unless I'm desperately tired but even then. Also since I "need" it to sleep I regulary soil my sweatpants then sleep in it which is nasty. I can't control this vice, this low appetite and I'm deeply unhappy about it. Also unhappy that I might be ruining my endurence, a bit TMI but just another reason why this is harmful. I want to refrain or atleast drasticly cut out this pratice and fix myself.
I likely have more issues eating me inside as I waste away as a shell of a person but I can't really think of them. I am told my mom is looking into thearpy so that might be nice. Please just help me, I'm so lost and broken, I sometimes consider just ending it all but I just hope it can get good.

Hi, I am currently taking doxepin for insomnia (10mg/night) but am also looking at possibly taking Mirtazapine for depression, since it seems to have similar efficacy to SSRIs without a lot of the side effects.
My question is, would taking Mirtazapine at therapeutic doses for depression (15-30mg) possibly negate the hypnotic effects of the doxepin (or more generally, other TCAs taken at a low dose for insomnia)? Since my understanding is that the mirtazapine blocks virtually all H1 receptors selectively before blocking serotonin receptors. And that its action at serotonin receptors is enough to "overpower" the sedating H1 blockade, which is why for many Mirtazapine especially at higher doses can be stimulating.
And since doxepin treats insomnia by also blocking H1 receptors, it would seem its effects would be reduced since these receptors would have already been blocked by the mirtazapine?
Does anyone else have experience taking mirtazapine for depression/anxiety on top of low dose antihistmine drugs like TCAs for insomnia?