So I made a previous post about deciding to get an Adder laptop and I've been using it as my daily driver for two weeks now. I thought it might be good to bring some of the observations I had to the community so maybe the team can take a look at them.
I was originally thinking about buying a KFocus laptop since I like KDE better than GNOME, but I decided against it. The reasons were that the documentation and support seemed much better, System76 makes generous contributions to the community, there was a larger community around System76, and the laptop included open firmware so Intel can KMA when they start making us rent processor cores.
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Hardware:
I'm not having any trouble adjusting the resolution at all. It turns out my Mac was set to soft-display 1400x600, so 1980x1080 is fine for me. Yes, it's not quite as crisp, but honestly I barely notice it. That being said, since the OEM here is really Clevo, I don't understand why the 2560x1440 display isn't offered, especially since in past years, it was.
I got the USB power cable and it isn't long enough. Mac old 2013 Macbook Pro had a much longer cable. On the other side of the (huge) DC adapter there's a standard 3-pin connector, so I guess I could dig up one of my longer power cables, but this seems like a miss.
The one gripe I really have is that the laptop isn't made of metal like my old MBP. It's plastic. I guarantee you my cat is going to sit on it and I'll be availing myself of my warranty. System76 really needs to offer hardware with open firmware and all bells and whistles with a better case.
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GNOME/Pop_OS!
During setup, it might be a good idea to offer to set up a password manager like KeepPass, or LastPass (stop laughing). Yes, I know Firefox has its own, but it only works in Firefox. Setting one up was easy enough.
The setup procedure asked me to set up my online accounts, but there were a lot that it didn't offer. It also didn't explain why I would set up said accounts or what benefit that brings me. One idea might be to put the icon for the relevant account next to the account icon, so you can open it up right away - GMail, for example, might put a link to the mail app. You might also mention that the app will give you the same experience without ads - a major benefit of using an app rather than a web page. Yahoo was completely missing and unfortunately, since they're now owned by a major telco, you're going to have a lot of people who are going to be using it.
When I tried to setup accounts like Facebook after the initial setup by searching for "Facebook", the search brought me to the Online Accounts page, but didn't show Facebook as an option.
It would also be nice if PopOS offered a way to set up the various social media messaging apps (LinkedIn, Reddit, whathaveyou). I tried out Franz and didn't like it. Does anyone have a better suggestion for a multi-service chat app?
Once I set up my online accounts, it was a pain figuring out how to use them; how do I open email? Chat? I'd rather use apps for these rather than their web counterparts because, again, no ads. The email app has some challenges, unfortunately.
Geary isn't the best app for email. I'd probably ask the user if they want another option, like Betterbird or Thunderbird. For example, I couldn't set up my Yahoo mail account because it said the password is wrong, but the same password worked in BetterBird, perhaps because of the multi-factor authentication. BetterBird constantly crashed, though, and notifications didn't work right. Notifications didn't work at all in Franz and I finally removed it.
I had a lot of trouble with two-finger scrolling because I'm used to a Mac where you slide down on the touchpad for up, and up for down. You might want to put some text on the bottom of the dialog box when you're setting up language settings. By the way, the settings menu and the pop shop had trouble with keyboard input; the first two letters I type into the search frequently get lost and I have to backspace and type it again, and the Pop Shop is really laggy, even on wall power.
It would be nice if GNOME would have saved my session, with all my open windows and tabs, on reboot, by default. I put Another Window Session Manager on GNOME, so we'll see if that works out. Maybe this extension should be on System76's laptops by default.
The CLion package from the Pop Shop has some problems. When I installed it, it complained about Boost being missing, despite me having libboost-all-dev installed. When I installed CLion from the JetBrains Toolbox, though, it worked just fine. I've seen some chatter about the flatpak package for CLion being broken, so maybe the snap is too, I don't know.
The lock screen also appears to lag quite a bit. When I open the laptop back up after it's been asleep, the desktop appears for a second and it looks like I can work. Then the lock screen appears with the wrong system time for a second. Then, finally, the whole thing "refreshes" and the lock screen appears with the right time, but it can take another second before it starts responding to input.
By far my biggest complaint is that menus are either missing or hidden behind a hamburger menu, but that is a GNOME problem. Hopefully Cosmic fixes this.
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Overall, I'm happy so far. I love the fact that I have open source software running, I'm happy with the purchase experience which was easy, the laptop performs quite well, updates and installs are simple, and the issues I have are minor. I still like KDE better, but we'll see how I feel once Cosmic comes out.
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For most of my life, I sat there accepting a possibility that I was neurologically disabled. More or less drifting through a system from which I had an opportunity to meet so many people... all deemed somehow broken... often hurting, sometimes addicted to various drugs, very frequently addicted to nicotine and alcohol. I was a latchkey kid in constant summer programs so most of my social life was pretty much planned for me.
This could explain why I reacted as I did as a kid in certain unplanned situations. In Kindergarten I chased a kid with the teacher’s scissors because he took my toy before Show n Tell when the teacher’s rule were strict… no touching other people’s toys.
I mean... I feel like I'm faking an illness every day. I'm under the legal purview of a complete stranger, as my court appointed guardian... who was pretty clearly and communicably upset with me for having worked a few months last year, almost canceling my disability income.
They receive my disability income and send my rent to pay for living with my roommate. They’re pretty relaxed with this, but they were still very upset that my earning 3k/mo had the government requesting money back. I don’t know their thoughts on this or reasoning but I’m aware it’s easier to maintain fixed income than deal with fluctuations. I’m also aware of how upset they were when I kept checking in weekly with life updates, bills updates, work updates and living situation updates.
My parents claimed disability at 15, against my mother's vehement insistence he could pay, when my father met with his lawyer and an outside psych professional to up an unspecified diagnosis, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) or Otherwise Specified, to one which qualified for disability, Asperger's Syndrome after dad’s insurance limit was met paying for a place called Children's Home of Detroit (CHD - like a mini correctional facility, a step below juvie because I shoved my mother off me from laying in bed in an attempt to scare her away and let me stay home from school during the confusing experience of post-pubescent teenage social life)
Pushing and scaring people away wasn’t entirely new to me. I had chased a babysitter away with a bat so I could keep watching cartoons on the TV in mom’s basement. That’s the same basement I had a secret closet under the stairs and a giant cardboard box to hide in for hours, imagining different worlds next to my LEGO table. In that house I also used a steak knife to put a hole in the couch behind my sister because she wouldn’t let me use the TV when mom said I was allowed to watch.
During my teens I would regularly write dark poetry and “practice suicide notes” to remind myself who’d miss me and sometimes sketch very dark images of myself decaying… listening to depressed music and entertaining suicide. I even carved emotional words into my dresser hoping to feel them every morning. It wasn’t until later that I attempted it… eventually finding myself at a wake up moment, literally waking up with tubes being shoved down my throat at Henry Ford Macomb on 19 mile road. My parents were in the room with me; mom encouraging me to drink this sweetened charcoal mixture. I’ve envisioned myself in various methods of suicide most of my life.
Interestingly, PDD was a loose diagnosis given by a professional based in Mount Clemens named Doctor Ryan after dad hired him to assess some of my anxieties and attention deficit issues. After a few weeks of heavy testing, he claimed PDD or otherwise specified with a “low ego strength” note meaning I didn’t respond very confidently.
He presented the results to mom and dad, letting them know if they want a more solid diagnosis they’d have to see another professional because nothing was particularly clear to him. He’d also noted he wasn’t certain the cause of anything because it could just as well have been home issues which were pretty prevalent in particular places while nonexistent in others. Outside the house I was pretty socially healthy with neighborhood friends, working on and playing on dirt tracks for mountain bikes, playing street hockey, getting invited to play video games at friend’s houses and having sleepovers.
Mom hosted a ton of sleepovers which integrated well with every Friday’s pizza and a movie. You all remember Blockbuster, Family Movie and the like? Yeah… they’re places where you’d once be able to pick up physical copies of movies on some archaic media storage called VHS and DVD. Seriously, though. I know my Scout friends, Sara, Logan… heck everyone who’s ever spent a Friday with mom remembers movie and pizza. They may also remember silver dollar pancakes in the morning and the dreaded Sunday Mass if you were lucky enough to weekend with us. Mom loved and welcomed everyone like she was unabashedly obligated.
It’s true I’ve been reliably diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Whether contributing factors were ever clear, these were easily supported diagnosis and due to their rapid, often poorly considered turnaround my childhood psychiatrist, Doctor Pezhman frequently rebalanced meds after hospitalization. I’ve been prescribed a great many drugs with adverse side effects and negative reactions.
I’ll definitely say I was more awkward around dad’s place. I think dad only ever met one of my girlfriends and only once in passing through the house… he complimented her looks and said her eyeliner was a little weird. Understandable… she had a spiderweb and spider hanging from one eye. The previous year, I had been dating Paige, a twin who’s house was around 5 miles from ours and I walked that each and every day during that summer… hopped in the pool and shared her size 0 clothes… ‘cause I was skinny… and never wore a bathing suit so my clothes always hit the dryer.
We enjoyed hanging in parks, attended Warped Tour where Paige had a panic attack and I carried her from the MCR crowd, then our friend, Corky ran off to get some water and a Monster Energy sample… there's a photo of us all sitting on the pavement at the Silver Dome somewhere out there. I think Corks took it.
We ran into some other friends including the indubitable Dinda, a hardcore Maggot (Slipknot fan) dancing under the spray of a fire hose and had a beautiful time together… she did a photo shoot with me when her sister Lily had an acting role in a church play… I still have one of those photos. I was wearing her The Cure shirt… amazing music taste, that family.
Sex was never something I was super comfortable with and I was constantly walking away from teenage boys because their “boy talk” about girls and intimacy were way beyond what I was comfortable with having been primarily raised by women. By my teens I found myself more comfortable with female friends and people in the GSRM(gender, sexual, romantic minority) community… or LGBT community at the time. It may have simply been the obliviousness of clear aego-demisexuality.
Then again, it could also be extreme anxieties related to intimacy rather than autocorrisexuality or aegosexuality. Still, I prefer identifying as demi. However, I was a Cub Scout, then continued through a decade of Boy Scouts… good role models, yet not family until mom married Scout Master Bob. Throughout this time, monthly camping trips away from family and consistent volunteer opportunities kept me sane… I felt more whole than I’d ever been alone simply offering my time for people.
After our parents divorced my sister and I were traded back and forth weekly… learning in completely different ways on a polarized spectrum with dad hiring nannies, Tara and Marilyn to do most of the caregiving and him popping in for punishment and play… or boating for the most part, which I was never fond of. Dad also frequently dropped us off with Aunt Maria, Uncle Brian and her kids. He'd also sometimes just drop me off for a few days so I could hang with Cousin Justin and B. It wasn't a blood relation, but Maria was married to Uncle Tiger and I'll always consider them all family. Dad would also let us stay summer weeks and random weekends with Gramma Ro and Grampa Hal, his parents at their house on Columbia.
I did live with mom for about a year while her friends, Debbie & Andy and their son, Logan lived with her... lived with us. She did this for a few people including Andrea's friends. I had a few lovely pseudo-sisters including Sara. Andy had been laid off and was between jobs… Logan was a couple years younger with similar interests. It was kinda rad… we both had an RC car fetish so eventually bought matching Traxxas T-Maxxes.
Say that a few times fast… matching Traxxas T-maxxes, matching Traxxas T-Maxxes…
I definitely didn’t take mom and dad’s divorce very well, finding myself at Havenwyck psych hospital age 7, assigned to the resident ADD/ADHD specializing doctor… therefrom, pretty much every month of my life was spent in therapy and following the domestic abuse shelter, I had a case worker at St. Lawrence to meet with me every other Wednesday until I was dismissed from the school halfway through 5th grade. Officially, I was disruptive for shooting soap at the ceiling with a broken dispenser in the boy’s bathroom… unofficially it was the constant therapy appointments and daily Ritalin then Adderal from the office.
For about a decade, mom and dad would park their cars a space apart, never leaving their vehicles in a Big Boy parking lot at the corner of 21 mile road and Van Dyke while my sister and I hauled our stuff from one car to another. This was to prevent things like my stepmother’s outburst of choking mom on the doorstep of dad’s house when they didn’t follow protocol.
There were pretty consistent insults against mom in that house. Dad maybe held some resentment after mom had us in a domestic abuse shelter during the divorce and he had some calls from child services from various schools. Let’s be honest, tossing your kid into the backyard wearing only underwear’s not going to go over well. I get it. His life was stressful and my reaction to a new pill was making him late for work.
I love my father and respect each of his monumental accomplishments with cars, boats and engineering. I respect his influence on community. I also understand the effect shaming, name calling and bullying had on his life, having lost all his hair from alopecia at 7 had to be tough.
I also remember how ashamed dad was of his disabled older brother, Ricky… he’d tell mom not to mention him at family gatherings to a point that some family members didn’t even know about him until everyone was gathered and Grandma and Grandpa Nucich’s condo during Grandma’s final days and I, myself made the apparent mistake of mentioning him. I think that’s when Cousin Nathan learned about Uncle Rick… because I mentioned him.
None of this shame or even my behaviors excuse some of his, “corrective behavior” like tossing me in the direction of doors when he wanted me to go somewhere, roughly holding my hand where he wanted me to focus, wiring my bed frame with a car alarm or pouring buckets of ice water over my head to wake me up. I can guarantee that’s counterproductively encouraging me to stay asleep… just to avoid being conscious to the experiences. I did have more trouble in the morning at dad’s place and I wet the bed more often there… yeah… I did wet the bed. Last time I did that was at 15 my first day at CHD.
I once missed half a year of high school due to a massive panic attack which I had never had before. The school counselor delivered my work to the door… each day asking if I was okay and whether I was ready to return. I respect the heck out of teachers and education professionals and this is one very specific reason. I’d always appreciated teachers… volunteering for my 7th grade English teacher with transcribing after school and offering a hand to teacher’s aids when I finished classwork early. In 9th grade, my home room teacher’s aid nominated me for student of the year because according to her, my “selflessly helping other students was admirable” but they denied anyone in special ed classes so I got a pin instead… still have it somewhere.
Am I disabled? I don't act like it. I don’t know. I don't feel like it and I’m never anxious around “healthy” strangers. I have been known to feel extreme anxieties around family. I had a high def brain scan around 2018 which showed no signs of autism or neurodivergence. In fact, the disc is chilling in a box after I requested a copy. Still couldn't tell you... but a ton of people have told me I'm not and sometimes aggressively told me I'm cheating the system. I’ve still lived under the restrictions of disability income in AFC homes, hospitals and the like… tastefully dancing around substance abuse and avoiding “unhealthy connections” by playing video games and keeping to myself in pretty constant fight, flight, freeze, faun, flop mode… switching between most of those with excessive nervous system activation… often every single day.
I’ve been in cortisol doused survival mode for awhile. I’ve been punched by someone while playing video games, bitten, follow through body punched (that’s the best way I can describe someone punching me with their entire body while I sat alone watching TV in a psych ward) over the back of a couch which tipped with us, held against a wall for mentioning the sanitary concerns of wiping boogers on a pay phone and punched by an elderly twin because he was known to be wildly unstable (whoa with the twins, have I been lucky or have I met so many people it’s statistically sound)
I’ll be honest, I’m not sure my father was entirely convinced I’m disabled either. When I was 17 years old, he raged up the stairs, scaring me out the second story window toward a few friends including my girlfriends, Kate who were luckily still in the driveway… I had stayed with some of those friends overnight either having not told him or done something wrong in the process. Nobody was into drugs. I was with my girlfriend, her sister and their friends. It was actually a pretty innocent oops.
Andrea was at college in K-Zoo and dad didn’t let me return home. He had some cops pick me up from math class, then driving me to Havenwyck for the final time as an adolescent where they just told me exactly what my father and I had already made clear… I wasn’t going back to dad’s. Sorry the cops kept your spikes and adornments, Shlee. Thanks for letting me wear them to cheer me up.
Dad bought me a motel room for a week, then I lived with some friends and eventually my girlfriend, Samyang Anonomystic (a while ago she asked not to be tagged so I'm not sure what her stance is on these sort of posts. I have photos of her while we lived together tastefully excluding her face on socials) and her family for about 8 months until my 18th birthday.
I didn’t really spend time with people who were significantly into drugs that I was aware of, even weed until the apartment dad co-signed for on my 18th birthday. Sure, I met some people who smoked weed and had it around me for the first time in my life at 15 years old and sat in a van at 17 with someone who would soon roomed with me in said apartment but that place was really it. I offered my one bedroom to a few other people my friends knew, being told they were down on their luck. One had been apparently homeless for a few years, he had another friend who came with him.
We shared that space with me as the sole earner of disability income. We had a couch, futon, clear glass kitchen table, an Xbox and TV I never used. A roommate would occasionally play PlayStation on my mini TV and I just spent a lot of time on the PC with photoshop, Aheron’s Call and Command & Conquer.
It was during that time I attended my first party with alcohol. While I’d been in a house (a trailer) with people smoking weed at 15 and a “rave” at 17 in a community friend, Grant’s basement/house where people were into cough syrup and some other things, this was my first alcohol party to my knowledge. Kate had invited me to meet her friends. I tried being cool and downed half a bottle of cold vodka when someone said it was impossible. This was something for which I paid dearly in the form of vomiting in my hand and slumping over the arm of a love seat until PJ arrived to drive my car home on his learner’s permit. I hounded him the entire time about traffic safety and rules.
Mom and I helped one of these roomies find his social security number, birth certificate and get an ID while I drove him to his first work position with Michigan Works after he was arrested for vagrancy and couldn’t give his real name or share his ID. He wasn’t in the system it seems and they didn’t believe him so he spent some time in jail. I won’t speculate the officer’s initial motives for stopping him but I know someone else was running around breaking into cars and stealing people’s belongings. Figured that out when they emptied a backpack on our futon then cops showed up shortly after.
Let’s be honest, man… real growth comes from truth and you’ve got kids now. They deserve a fully healed and authentic dad. Everyone wanted you out of jail and some people even wanted to steal a truck in which they found a spare key to get you out. It wasn’t just “overnight.” My mother loved you, trusted and believed in you. So do I. Your kids deserve a good example, not a person who gets defensive against questions and clarifications. Show them honesty is okay... don't just tell them to tell the truth.
After a fight in the courtyard with our mutual friend’s boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/suitoperson in competition with another friend for her hand, I made sure to kindly as possible, tell Rich he’s not allowed to live there anymore. He respectfully positioned his fist firmly within the foundations of the wall, behind the drywall at the door and threatened my life.
As for my later years in underfunded, adult psychiatric facilities… well…
I bounced from AFC home to hospital to AFC home when standard residency was up or someone flagged me as too “able” and my guardian needed to transfer me. One of these homes was called St. Clair AFC home. I’ve mentioned a few things which happened here during one stay or another but this happened during my first stay… there was an older gentleman name John who looked and acted a little unusual (I hate myself for judging him. I could see he was also trying to be very sweet in hindsight) who would occasionally make dirty remarks to my mother and I’d overheard some staff talking about him, mishearing something about “a list” and my mind assigned that to pedophilia since he always took a walk around the time buses arrived for school kids.
I had asked him a few times not to make comments to my mother, asking the staff to reinforce and requesting a meeting with he and staff one day. The day prior, I sat with him on the front porch staring into his eyes as I lit and burned out a few cigarettes on my hand, leaving permanent scars and telling him not to make any moves on my mother… yeah. Come on, therapy is important people. You can’t make people reasonable with meds. You can only treat or cause imbalances.
The next day, during the meeting we scheduled, I rushed him but one of the staff pulled me off, letting my leg swing up and hit his jaw. The related paperwork’s been stored and shared for anyone to see along with all my legal history documents. I feel its extremely important to emphasize the insufficient therapy and heightened anxiety in many facilities; even “high end” ones.
Officers were called so I sat on my bed, realizing I had just royally fucked up. From there, they acted on their training… it was a mental health case with violence implied and it didn’t matter how calm or cooperative I was, if I didn’t do things exactly the speed they hoped for, responding exactly as they wanted… my body went limp at the door and they carried me to the car, tearing at my clothing in attempts to hold pretty much a ragdoll. I was then checked into Henry Ford East’s floor 1, transferred to 4, then long-term on 3 for a few months and finally back to 1.
On the "long-term" floor at Henry Ford, we were allowed a CD or MP3 player if it was checked in at night. So, naturally... I danced with it. A few months in, I decided to tap an Exit sign while air drumming and was immediately tackled to the floor and given a sedative.
The next morning I was transferred to the lower floor, where another few months passed by; writing poetry, sketching and drawing... many of my 2009 art pieces were drawn during that stay.
At the end of my stay at Henry Ford, I was having a conversation with a young man playing with his shoes, flipping them off his feet with boredom. After a times, he grew bold and curled his foot flick, sending his shoe careening toward the ceiling and bounding off... after which he was immediately dragged away and sedated.
I was appalled, heavily medicated and had no idea how to communicate this injustice so I just went, fuck it... started jumping up toward each and every light, smashing them down the hallway yelling, "He did nothing wrong!" "You guys want a reason to tackle somebody!" "Mother fuckers!" I still have permanent scar tissue in the plexi light cover grid on my knuckle from this.
So yeah... jail time. I even had a cop man-handle me against the wall and whisper into my ear, "You like breaking shit?" with his elbow in my back.
I spent about a week in the D block with a dozen other people. First, I needed to spend a while in the mental health ward. Unfortunately, there was consistently inconsistent med distribution in this time-frame with excessively powerful stuff from which my body suffered some messed up reactions already.
From Henry Ford, I was transitioned to what people call the "Bam Bam unit." It's the psych unit in which we wear a large, padded plastic-like gown. The theory is you can't kill yourself with it... yet the unit was overcrowded and I slept on the floor with a mat.
There are many reasons I advocate for Nonviolent Communication; not the least of which is my personal experience in a system which clearly perpetuates the cycle of violence. When our emphasis is on personal development, conscious empathy, self-awareness and therapeutic healing of insufficient education, problematic conditioning and trauma we actually do stand a chance of creating a better world.
Not all my life, hospital and group home experience has been bad. I honestly loved all of my friends and cherish the fun we had; all those amazing connections and learning experiences, stripping for Kate and her friends, skinny dipping(ish in my boxers) with Tata’s friends in the neighborhood across from Utica High, right behind Wiley... true bliss. I still have a kandi bracelet from someone I met at a football game there… people are amazingly beautiful and their capacity for joy and emotional giving are incalculable. We’re always evolving our communities with personal sharing, emotional enrichment, compassionate effort and simple, resounding laughter.
I do sort of feel at home with those who are hurting while I'm extremely anxious around drugs and alcohol, even cigarettes. I’m always curious and show whatever support I can. I'm grateful for every conversation and shared experience; every perspective. In those facilities, we’re pretty constantly reminded not to touch each other and I love hugging. Embracing hugs where you feel one another’s hearts. That’s the sort of affection we all need, I believe. It’s been heavily discouraged in my life. This has probably had an effect on meeting my community needs and affection needs.
I still met and spent time with quite a lot of amazing people and even befriended a fellow gamer from St. Clair Home. His name’s Justin and I wish him well. We were gamer friends for a good while. Things shifted, priorities changed and I hope everyone’s on a path of personal growth. He stuck with me even when meds weren’t right and brain wasn’t braining. Everyone has their struggles and its rarely if ever explicitly their fault.
We’re raised in a poorly designed and executed structure of punishment and reward which somehow encourages its own perpetuation with little consideration for individual needs. I’ve played video games with people, had long conversations about love and life, shared books and music, had singing sessions, played board games, assembled puzzles, colored, cried and laughed with some genuinely beautiful humans.
I remember feeling human for awhile in my teens… being accepted into a huge group of friends and their branching friend circles in Utica. Around 10th grade, Tata, an amazing girl with a million friends saw me sitting on the rear steps waiting for a ride from dad. She said I look lonely and invited me to a party in her back yard where I found dozens of kids between middle school and high school ages. It was a paradise of chaos with so many hugs… so… many hugs. Free Hugs, you might say. It was great. Mom had always brought us to festivals, striking up random conversations with strangers and offering a hand so this was magic to me.
It was at another party here that I saw Chelsea and Reggie break up and amid the chaos all I could do is think to comfort a crying girl I’d never previously spoken with… maybe once or twice. I held her in a hug for a minute and asked if she just wanted to talk so we both laid down on the trampoline where she cried herself to sleep in my arms. Not many words exchanged between us but I could hear the conversation with and about Reggie, centered around the slide at the back of the property.
When Chelsea awoke, I let her know I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I’d check in with her. From there I went home and sent her some messages on Trillian (either Yahoo! or AIM) with a poem I’d written, letting her know life’s only beginning and there’s so much more opportunity and beauty. That tended to be my MO… it was all I really knew having journaled and written so much poetry for myself.
People are often trying to heal without the words to express themselves or a genuine understanding of feelings and sometimes explaining things to people who are too busy to listen or simply refuse to hear. Many of us are still trying to heal from childhood experiences the rest of our family didn't feel the same way. Sometimes, inadvertently gaslighting and dismissing the very things we need... and I mean NEED to embrace in order to process them and truly heal. We’re often meticulously ignoring our needs for being heard, seen, and understanding... pretty much all identity needs.
What’s more, publicly funded psych facilities almost always choose pills over processing life. That means we drop in for a week, doc fills a rehearsed and sometimes sponsored prescription, we chat with some people and we’re out… always discouraged from sharing hugs, phone numbers and contact info. Still, so many people make unhealthy connections in these places… some even have sexual relations inside the places. Lots of people sneak in cigarettes, weed, vape pens… probably worse drugs and nobody is actually getting legitimate therapy.
Some of the homes I lived in were pretty wild, as well… Beacon Specialized Living Services was filled with people around my age and I connected with a few, related to others. I also had someone I thought I might relate to, connect his fist with my face while I sat in my room playing Asheron’s Call with a bunch of friends. Wasn’t much clear motive there… I hadn’t actually spoken with him before. It could have been that I was the only person there with internet and a laptop as well as being one of very few with a TV and game console.
There was a somewhat younger kid there named Andrew who was obsessed with video games and had some aggression issues. He’d toss the controllers and break TVs then get upset with himself. I was a gamer so I tried helping him chill and gave him someone to talk to. He once jumped on the driver of our transport van on the highway and tried choking them so I hopped from the second row seat to pull him off and hold him. He bit my leg and I had to check into the South Haven hospital for a human bite wound. I can honestly say I have human bite wound in my medical history… take that zombie apocalypse preppers. I’m one up. Andrew was actually a really cool dude I had the pleasure of introducing to PC gaming and console commands. He gained a bit of chill with those.
We need to understand and share the wholeness of our history and every individual influence and experience is equally important. We can become addicted to anything which reduces the pain of confusion and grief or marginalized heartache. Gabor Maté offers quite a bit of personally relatable insight with his book about ADHD and its possible origins, Scattered and the thus far pretty insightful The Myth of Normal. He has also written in depth about addiction with In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts… though I’ve only viewed the related content on streaming services. When we're encouraged to repress, we're also discouraged from being our authentic selves... or even standing comfortably in a room of equals.
There's one phrase I truly believe would benefit the world should we all learn it and honestly believe it when we say it... "Are you okay? You seem distracted. It's okay to tell me anything. I mean anything. I promise." We may hear things about a person’s life which completely surprise us… even change our perspectives about another person we know… but to be heard, feel trusted, be believed… it meets our identity needs and validates our experience. Gaslighting is the opposite of this… it’s telling a person their perspective is wrong or selling their experience short… perhaps in favor of another person’s reputation or the resources they offer our life. Gaslighting can be telling a person their memories didn’t happen, inviting shame, doubt and insecurity.
We may not always be able to offer advice and may even find things hard to believe but we are all able to listen. What we're doing when we honestly take in another person's perspective is validating their reality and offering them a way to process their experience verbally... no matter what we've heard to the contrary, it's allowing people to express themselves. This is essential for our mental health and developing how we process the world and our experience within it.
With all those pieces known of a collective puzzle, we're able to understand a whole more deeply. We're able to assess relationships and see whether our values truly align with a person or we're simply relying on them for some sort of resources... maybe for fun, leisure, relaxation... whether they're just bringing us joy.
These are superficial things but they can often tip us in favor of a person with money, toys and resources to share... because that superficiality is pleasant, wondrous... and addictive. The more stressful our life is, the more we'll align with people who can make our lives more fun as a leisure resource and escape from the stress.
It’s still so very important to understand stress does not give us an excuse to discount anyone’s experience or deny our own wrongdoing. If anything, accountability reduces stress and strengthens our bonds with good people. When we share our mistakes, people learn how to live from them. We may think they’re about to judge us but the reality is… we hurt people with our secrets. We hurt many more people than ourselves.
Once mom passed away on Mother’s Day, May 12, 2019… I realized how important truth was. She had been working for the Autism Society of Michigan for a decade, shortly ago retiring and once dad took over guardianship… he pretty much isolated her. She’d previously been keeping up with paperwork, saving documents and doctor’s notes, checking in with my guardian and encouraging college along with independence… then dad just cut her off. Her paperwork filing became recording conversations and saving texts… in which dad was pretty unengaged, saying, “I’m taking care of it” and avoiding questions.
A few years ago, while he was my legally appointed guardian, dad’s health started spiraling… he fell into a diabetic coma and started having stroke-like episodes, sometimes in front of family. He seemed to hold himself together for the most part at holiday gatherings and family dinner but at home… he was growing dismissive and sometimes aggressive. Not like the usual, “God damnit!” when he dropped a tool or something went wrong in the garage… I mean wow.
At the time I wasn’t spending much time at home. I was getting back into skating, biking and visiting local book stores, libraries, comic shops, game stores and malls to get a refreshed feel for life. I had actually started volunteering for a local church just a half mile down the road. We painted the inside of it… we helped a few people with their yard work… I got some green shirts… then I got some paint on one of those green shirts… smiles, laughter and paint all around.
There was one particular night I had confronted dad when he started slurring his speech… I sat down beside him, setting my hand on his arm to let him know I wanted to connect and he immediately jumped up yelling, “Don’t fucking touch me!” and he stomped around the couch, up the stairs where he slammed and locked his door.
I had previously seen this sort of behavior in him before I found him naked on his bed, slipping into his first diabetic coma… mumbling and blurting, “Go away” “Fuck off” “Not me” and “No.”
I was scared for him. Very… so I waited a few minutes, checked in with him and heard the same angry comments… until a few minutes later when I came back to the door, he yelled a final, “fuck off” and fell silent.
After waiting what felt like an eternity, but probably 15 minutes to a half an hour I knocked again, waited for an answer then unlocked his door to peak in on him. The second I did, he burst through the door and shoved me against the wooden lined closet outside his door where he sort of lifted me upward with his hand at the base of my throat. I could see in his eyes this confused rage, then childish panic as he dropped me and rushed back into his room, trying to slam the door and apparently catching his foot, yelling, “fuck” then successfully slamming it closed and yelling, “Leave me the fuck alone.”
The next morning I rode my bike to the Shelby Twp Police Department for a report. I didn’t want to press charges but I didn’t want this to happen again or not be believed if it did. An officer got a few photos with a pretty nice camera… which I actually mentioned because I was looking for a new one... after I filled in the report with my already ridiculously horrible handwriting and at the time, shaking hands because I couldn't quite come to terms with what I was doing.
Dad has since been telling people I broke into his room and attacked him because I guess he fucked up his ankle running back into the room… for what? His health was already clearly suffering and our entire family was aware… so was the rest of his community and friends. I’m sure they’d give him a ridiculous amount of love and attention if he just owned up to his emotionally dis-regulated outburst. That, and I wouldn’t have been isolated from my beautiful family.
Lies can destroy communities for the sake of one successful person or protect our kids from uncomfortable truths. We hurt a lot of people simply trying to keep up an image. We will always hurt someone while trying to look impossibly perfect… sometimes its the people closest to us… the ones who would gladly offer their soul simply to help us heal and show us love.
It had already been a year or so since doc’s agreed to reduce and remove prescriptions so I’d been off everything and frequently volunteering while dad pretty much stayed home. In fact, a lot of my social media presence documents life from that point along with a ton of journaling. It was important to me having access to my thoughts from the point of being taken off all pills. Unfortunately I also began practicing radical honesty and getting in touch with authenticity since mom had passed.
Since the incident with dad, my guardianship switched to a public lawyer with dozens of cases connected to a pretty significantly conservative Christian organization. Radically polarized support for any individual organization, political party or faith can be pretty frightening. During our second meeting, they mentioned their goals for me include getting married and having kids. I’m just not about that right now and I’m hoping never on having my own kids.
Terry, my new guardian did say they work with the Wertz Warriors which is the winter branch of the Water Warriors supporting Special Olympics Michigan so there’s a mild tie-in which I support. They’ve been a little subtle with their intentional contact, and I’ve only met with Terry twice… which can be a good thing. It’s given me plentiful opportunity to seek therapy and develop a deeper understanding of self and where I feel safe in society… along with pursuing A/V and photography once more.
It does suck not having the support of family. I miss them all… but everything we experience is an opportunity for learning and growth. It also means going it alone sometimes, when the only places you have to go aren’t the healthiest or safest environments. Music has always been my safe space... and art and goofiness of course but mostly music.
If it’s in your heart… and I mean compassionately, productively and authentically… if the truth in your heart needs to be known. Please share your experience with me. Your mind would not be experiencing the thoughts were it not integral to your understanding of survival and thriving.
The works of Marshall Rosenberg and Yvette Erasmus have opened me up quite a bit with communication, accountability and authenticity along with Gabor Maté. Nonviolent Communication fundamentals adapted by all… and rightfully so. NVC has been instrumental in not only comprehending myself but developing a healthy desire to connect with others in authentic, empathic ways.
In terms of work ethic, while volunteering I found Simon Sinek’s TED talks and eventually bought Start With Why on Audible audiobook. Adam Grant then graced my life as his “worthy rival” or rather more appropriately, companion educator… they share so many perspectives in different ways it’s hard to separate them once you know their individual work.
Something I’ve noticed through depression, anxiety and overwhelming fear of my circumstance is that we’ll always keep learning and nothing is ever forgotten. It’s only absorbed into our consciousness and adapted into our lives. We are everything we know. We are everything we've seen. We are a part of every person we've ever met as much as they are part of us. Acknowledge your experience and learn from it all.
Each and every one of us shares intrinsically driven, divine needs... inalienable biological and psychological requirements which must be interdependently nourished in subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, recreation, creation, identity and freedom. We may suppress these needs in unhealthy ways then seek their fulfillment in even less healthy ways... but these internal craving are always subconsciously within us.
You’re a worthy human being capable of amazing things. You deserve credit where it’s earned and grieving when you suffer. You deserve to be acknowledged, believed and understood… and to learn and live every day with passion.
You deserve to hold on. You deserve to create. You deserve to sing and feel. You deserve to be known, supported and feel safe. You deserve to feel loved... because you are. I love you... every one of you beautiful weirdos. We all deserve to dance.
Elephantshoe <3

I’m a 25 year old male at 5’9” and 230 lbs. I don’t smoke, but the people I live with do, if that matters at all. I take Adderal 40mg, Duloxetine 20 mg, and Trazodone 100mg. So far the medicines that I’ve tried using to alleviate the symptoms are Mucinex DM, Sudafed PE, and Benzonatate 200mg. My medical conditions are Autism, ADHD, and Depression.
For context, I’m starting a new job tomorrow at an Amazon warehouse for a 10+ hour shift. However, as my bad luck would have it, I ended up sick a couple days ago.
Symptoms include: coughing, sore throat, coughing up a lot of phlegm, sinus pressure and headaches, sometimes dizziness when I stand up, stuffy nose, some body aches, low-grade fever. And as of this morning, abdominal aches when I cough, and chest pain whenever I try to blow my nose.
I know that most people come here for much more serious issues and I don’t want to diminish the seriousness of their questions. But I really need this job and want to know what I can take for me to survive four 10+ hr shifts. Because, as is, I don’t think I will last even half of that time.

Also look into ADD/ADHD conferences that are being offered. LDA Brain C-13 Review Minnesota is offering a 2010 ADHD Regional Spring Conference entitled Living, Loving, and Learning with ADHD. Find out more about it here.Lastly, its important for parents to connect with other parents who are experiencing the same struggles they are. There are local support groups, and online support groups (Yahoo! ADD/ADHD supports group, ADDers .com and others). Meetup. com currently has 7,529 meetup groups across America dedicated to Parents of Children with ADD/ADHD - if there isn't a Meetup group near you then you can start your own using meetup . com. Social networks like Twitter and Facebook also have pages dedicated to providing information and support with YOU in mind.
​
Lucille Ball once said, "One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself." Living with ADHD isn't easy but hopefully with the medical resources available and the support of others that are going through the same thing it can be manageable and even successful. Is there a real "Magic Bullet" for ADHD treatment That is up to you to decide; however, the encouraging evidence supporting the benefits of implementing a multi-discipline approach certainly gives frustrated parents a promising hope they previously lacked.
​
Also, excess calcium in many people's diets leads to calcium plaques that become deposited in arteries leading to reduced blood flow. The carotid arteries leading to the brain are commonly affected by this condition, leading to inadequate blood flow to the brain.Another common problem that I have found in numerous people is a low oxygen carrying capacity within the blood itself. Even if you have good clean blood flowing to all parts of your body, if you do not have enough red blood cells to carry adequate oxygen to your cells, your cells will become hypoxic (a condition of low oxygen).
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This leads to a slow death of brain cells - you will not notice an immediate or sudden loss of memory unless you have a sudden dramatic reduction in blood flow (which does happen in a stroke - leading to possibly permanently damaged brain cells). What you will notice however is a slow and gradual decline in your mental function and memory.The solution to this problem is to firstly completely clean out your arteries to make sure they allow a good flow of blood to your brain and all your other organs. This will ensure that you can get enough memory boosting oxygen to your brain (assuming you have enough red blood cells to carry sufficient oxygen).
https://healthscrutiny.com/brain-c-13-review/

"Daphne! Yahoo!"
When Dragon's Lair first entered the arcades in 1983, people were immediately attracted to the Don Bluth animation it presented. In it, you played as Dirk the Daring, one of the kingdom's best and bravest knights. The dragon Singe had taken the princess Daphne to his castle (with some ports and the cartoon claiming his actions are so he can rule the kingdom himself), and Dirk has taken the task of navigating around the castle's traps and monsters in order to save her. He would do so, earning the hand of the princess in marriage and starting a family with her. This is not his only adventure, of course, with him going on quests both through the kingdom as well as through time, but as long as it results in Daphne being safe, Dirk's ready to do anything.

Legend

DL - Dragon's Lair
TW - Dragon's Lair II: Time Warp
CM - Dragon's Lair III: The Curse of Mordread
3D - Dragon's Lair 3D: Return to the Lair
(Console) - The feat comes from a console port of the named game
Death - The feat comes from what would have happened should Dirk have not made the right/canon choice
Unused - The feat comes from a scene which was never used in the original arcade version of the game
Cartoon - The Dragon's Lair Cartoon

Strength

• Striking Kicks open a wooden door^DL
• Striking Kicks a wooden door off of its hinges^Cartoon
• Cutting Cuts through a giant bat with a single slash^DL
• Cutting Slices through two Giddy Goons in one attack^DL
• Cutting Cuts through a suit of armour^{DL, Amiga} (in Dragon's Lair 3D this enemy is called the Robot Knight, and in the cartoon this enemy is called the Phantom Knight but is defeated by being disarmed instead of being cut, so exactly what Dirk has to cut through besides from the armour itself here is unclear)
• Cutting Cuts through three and four bats in single swings^TW
• Cutting Easily cuts through several thorny black vines^TW
• Cutting Destroys two Crypt Creeps in a single sword swing^DL
• Cutting Shatters the bones of two giant skeletal hands with his sword^DL
• Cutting Smashes a thrown wooden box with a single swing^TW
• Cutting While tiny, shatters two teacups and another object in a single sword swing^TW
• Cutting Breaks several small barrels in one swing^3D
• Cutting Breaks the stone lids for two old coffins in a crypt^3D
• Cutting Hits a giant ice monster hard enough to cause it to crack enough that it shatters^Cartoon
• Cutting Cuts a metal lock and bends the metal grate it was attached to^TW
• Pulling Breaks the long wooden handle of an axe by pulling it^{DL, Unused}
• Piercing Stabs the gap between stones in a stone wall hard enough to get his sword briefly stuck^DL
• Piercing Stabs his sword into stone in order to keep himself steady^TW
• Lifting Lifts Daphne in a suit of armour with ease, while his squire struggled and ultimately failed to stand her up^Cartoon
• Lifting/Throwing Easily lifts a golden hammer that princess Daphne and his squire struggled to lift between them, and throws it hard enough to breaks two wooden posts^Cartoon
• Throwing Throws his sword so it buries itself deep inside Singe's chest^DL
• Throwing/Pulling Ties his sword to a rope and swings it so it implants itself deep enough into a stone cave wall that he can use it to direct a large ship away from a waterfall. He then pulls it out of the wall with a bit of effort^Cartoon
• Leaping Jumps between giant Cheshire Cat heads^TW
• Leaping Jumps on a pair of bellows and jumps a distance with them^Cartoon
• Other Blocks a club swing from a troll without giving way, even though the attack was strong enough to cause his sword to break^Cartoon
• Other Holds onto a felled tree and climbs across it back to land, even though he has a giant hanging off of him the entire time^Cartoon
• Other Quickly rows a boat off of land and into the sea^Cartoon

Durability

• Blunt Force Is stunned by being hit in the head with a rolling pin with enough force to shatter a wooden chair^{TW, Death}
• Blunt Force Gets hit in the head with a wooden box containing two chickens with enough force to knock him off of his horse's back, and is still conscious enough to hang onto his horse's neck^{TW, Death}
• Blunt Force Is dazed from having a tree fall on him with enough force to bury him into the ground up to his upper arms^{TW, Death}
• Blunt Force Is dazed from having a sarcophagus fall on him with enough force to bury him into the ground up to his upper arms^{TW, Death}
• Blunt Force Rides so a tree branch hits him in the head and knocks him off his horse, and quickly gets up^3D
• Blunt Force Quickly gets up after being propelled through slightly damaged stone hard enough to break it^3D
• Blunt Force Gets pushed into a pile of boxes hard enough to send them flying everywhere, and has his head break through the bottom of one^Cartoon
• Blunt Force/Falling Gets flicked from the hand of a dragon who could easily lift and crush a carriage with a single hand, falls a considerable branches onto burnt tree branches, and immediately sits up. He later gets swiped back by the same dragon and immediately gets up^3D
• Falling Is unfazed after falling a considerable distance onto a time machine^TW
• Falling Falls after being propelled upwards by a water geyser^Cartoon
• Falling/Blunt Force Falls into a pitfall trap and has his own horse fall on top of him^Cartoon
• Crushing Gets his head bitten on by a pterodactyl, and is able to (unsuccessfully) fight back^{TW, Death}

Speed/Skill

• Reaction Cuts spears in midair that are thrown with enough force to embed themselves in treasure chests and stone deep enough to freely stand^{DL, Unused}
• Reaction Deflects a spear magically thrown with enough force to embed itself in wooden panelling^DL
• Reaction Rolls out of the way of a knife trap^DL
• Reaction Dodges a magic attack from close range^TW
• Reaction Dodges magical bolts from the Lizard King^Cartoon
• Reaction Reflects an energy bolt from Father Time towards an enemy after it was fired^CM
• Running Outruns a large running boulder^DL
• Running Runs at the same speed as a horse^Cartoon
• Running Runs fast enough that he can grab onto a curtain and swing upwards high enough to grab onto a chandelier^Cartoon
• Accuracy Throws his sword into a thin arm from a distance^TW
• Accuracy Throws a magic ring onto an evil wizard's finger using a belt^TW
• Accuracy Uses his sword to fling Daphne's tiara at an oncoming beast that could only be destroyed with diamonds^Cartoon
• Timing Runs between two swinging obstacles without getting hit^DL
• Other Grabs a falling ring using his belt^TW
• Other Balances on makeshift stilts, even after getting one knocked away and being spun around^Cartoon

Essences

Essences are magical objects in Dragon's Lair 3D. They allow the bearer to perform certain actions at the cost of a portion of their mana (a slow drain for those used over a period of time, an immediate drop for those with instant effects). Mana replenishes slowly over time.

• The Dragon's Ring allows Dirk to release a spinning attack with an attack radius beyond that which his sword would normally allow after charging for a short period. Charging for a longer period allows him to increase the range of his attack
• The Dragon's Wing allows Dirk to glide for long periods without making any drop in height
• The Dragon's Eye can let Dirk see hidden doors and invisible enemies. It also allows him to see through certain walls
• The Dragon's Spirit has Dirk expend mana to heal himself
• The Dragon's Scale makes Dirk immune to fire and heated areas that would otherwise incinerate him, though it doesn't protect him against lava. It doesn't drain mana when he's outside of fire/heated areas
• The Dragon's Flame allows Dirk to set his sword alight with magical fire

Equipment

• Dirk most often wields a sword which always seems to make those it kills disappear.^DL (though this is based off of the dragon not disappearing after being killed with the magic sword. The cartoon might run on different logic with all defeated enemies disappearing, and 3D having the magic sword make enemies disappear might be due to game mechanics) It can also block dragon fire^Cartoon that's hot enough to quickly melt gold^Cartoon
• In the final stage of Dragon's Lair and the latter half of Dragon's Lair 3D, Dirk exchanges his normal sword for a magic one. It can block Singe's fire breath^DL and fire it back at him,^3D be imbued with magical fire until it hits an enemy,^3D and be imbued with all of the essences^3D in order to block and redirect attacks from Mordroc's dragon form^3D
• Dirk once wielded a sword that, while originally made of wood, turned to steel when struck by lightning. This sword allowed Dirk to easily cut through rock and destroy a wooden war machine by riding his horse through it, swinging wildly^Cartoon
• Throwing daggers^{DL, SNES}
• Throwing axes^{DL, SNES}
• A star shaped boomerang which comes back to Dirk after being thrown, but hurts him if it touches him^{DL, SNES}
• A crossbow which can wield normal arrows, fire arrows which can blow up explosive barrels, and magic arrows which can kill normal enemies in a single hit and pierce magical barriers, at the cost of only being able to hold one at any given time^3D
• Has used a grappling hook^Cartoon

Other

• Creates a bubble around him to freely travel in water^{DL, SNES}
• Once swung his sword in such a way that it created gusts of wind strong enough to blow several wolves into a pitfall trap^{Cartoon, Death}
• Can swim through gold like Scrooge McDuck^Cartoon

So many people with a disgusting hatred for China and Korea, and think that anyone who takes marijuana or Adderall should be executed. 多くの人々に中国と韓国嫌いが、「大麻やアデロール*使用者は全員死刑にするべき」と思っている人です。
I hope the opinions I see on Chiebukuro or Yahoo News Japan aren't indicative of the majority opinions in Japan. (I'm sorry, I don't know how to say that in Japanese.)
*-http://www.oregonlive.com/education/index.ssf/2015/03/a_bottle_of_prescribed_adderal.html

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Croatoan, Earth : Warlocks : Part 118

"Well?" Mizxcoatl asked. "Is it her?" Mars shrugged.
"I can't tell. It might be. There is something familiar about her scent, but from this distance . . ." Mars shrugged again. What he wanted to say was yes. He hated lurking. Especially when there was a better way. "Why not just barge in?" He asked. "I can handle this lot should they choose to interfere." He surveyed the deck hands around him sneeringly and sniffed the air. "They're weak, and they smell of fear."
"They're also not in the contract." Mizxcoatl remarked. "Do I need to remind you how unprofessional collateral damage is? A stray kill is proof we can't handle the job. Do you really want the others snickering behind our backs about how we couldn't handle this one little girl?" He grimaced fitfully, baring his teeth in challenge. He knew she was right. She was right. He hated that about her.
"Then how do we . . ."
The whine of the skiff's ramp cylinders, drew his attention. They watched the ramp edging upward and fought the urge to break character and sprint for it. It was only years of experience that allowed them to keep their calm. They knew better than to let others dictate their actions. There was too much on the line for them to screw this one up. The bounty on the girl was the largest they'd ever been offered, and they weren't the only ones it was offered to. Neither wanted to be the reason they lost it.
"It's her, isn't it?" Mars asked. Mizxcoatl shrugged.
"It is. It isn't. It's to early to tell." She replied. "I think we need to wait and get a little visual confirmation." The skiff suddenly powered up. This time it wasn't them who wanted to run out there. It was the deck hands, and they did just that.
They ran out into the hangar shouting at the top of their lungs for the pilot to shut it down. Several hurried out to the skiff, sidling around to the front so they'd be in a position to catch the pilot's attention. The deck hands jumped up and down and waved their hands wildly to get Makki's attention. She gave no indication that saw them.
The Hangar Chief growled in frustration and slipped on his headset. He opened a channel to the skiff and began shouting into the mic, ordering the pilot to shut the engines down while reminding her that she didn't have clearance for a power up or take off.
Makki ignored him. She ignored them all and kept rising.
"Bring that bitch to heel." The Hangar Chief ordered, calling on his leadman to stop her.
Four men in orange jumpsuits darted toward the ship. They worked quickly to open a panel on the belly of the skiff. They managed to get it off, and still had time for two of the four to slither inside before the ship rose to high for the others to follow. The other two deck hands were forced to back away and shield their faces. The rough air coming off the ship's thrusters was making it too dangerous to linger. The two men inside the ship failed to stop the skiff ascent. It was still on the rise.
"Why'd she lift off?" Mars asked. Mizxcoatl shrugged. She was curious about that herself.
Several moments passed with the skiff slowly creeping ever higher. When it reached a height of about twenty head, one of the deck hands who'd climbed inside came tumbling out. He hit the ground hard and didn't move. A moment later, the other deck hand followed, tumbling from the same hatch they'd entered through.
Mars was genuinely curious to know the pilot's reasons for firing it up. It didn't make no damn sense. If the pilot really was their target, lifting off wasn't going to save her. It was just going to postpone the inevitable. She had to know there was no way out for her.
"She took them both out?" Mars asked.
"Evidently." His partner replied, secretly impressed. She studied the hatch and then the men who'd come tumbling out of it. The other deck hands rushed in and dragged the downed workers out of the skiff's shadow in case the pilot changed her mind and landed. Mizxcoatl tried to determine how severely the pilot hurt the workers. Knowing that would be advantageous for when they had to engage her. Both of the downed deck hands were listless, offering no assistance to the men and women dragging them away. The girl in the skiff was thorough if nothing else.
"Why'd she attack them?" Mars asked. Again, Mizxcoatl shrugged, her eyes going back to the skiff and the open door in its belly. The ship was still rising, and it didn't stop till it was pressed up hard against the hangar ceiling. At that point, it slowly began to spin.
"They were going to bring her back down and force her out of the skiff. She knew she'd be vulnerable once she left it." Mizxcoatl reasoned.
"So, it is her, isn't it?" Mars pressed.
"How many times do I have to answer that. I don't know." Mizxcoatl snapped, refusing to say yes until she was absolutely sure yes was the answer. "I'm thinking yes, but we need to be sure. Our girl managed to successfully disappear off Matron Grimhilt's scope for more than twenty years. If she disappears for another twenty, I want to make damn sure that's not on us. I won't have those laughing imps in Grimhilt's stable laughing it up at our expense. I won't allow it."
"It has to be her. Why else would she power up the skiff? She probably knows we're here, and she's hoping that by drawing their attention," he gestured to the deck hands, "we won't do anything to her."
"Perhaps. Perhaps not. The Matron warned us she was clever. Have you forgotten who her father was," Mizxcoatl warned, "or why he was killed in the first place."
"I'm going to tear this girl's arms off if she doesn't land soon." He griped.
"Remember the contract. I don't want you doing any--" She broke off suddenly. Mars had his nose in the air which meant he had a scent. "What is it?"
"Her. I can smell her." He sniffed the air, casting his head back and forth like a hound trying to regain the scent of its prey.
Mizxcoatl's eyes went to the deck crew. They were still trying to revive first of the deck hands to tumble out of the ship. The other one was gone. The others were peering up at the skiff and discussing what needed to be done next. Mars followed the scent. It was leading him toward the mob of deck hands.
"You're sure it's her?" Mizxcoatl asked, slipping a hand inside her pocket. Mars sniffed the air and frowned.
"I think it it's her. The fumes off the thrusters are fouling her scent." He explained. That's when everything fell in place for her. She made the call.
"It's her." Mizxcoatl declared. "I told you she was clever."
"Clever? Why? Because she managed to slip off the skiff without being seen? That's not clever." He argued, tapping his nose. "That's stupid. I can sniff her out down here."
"You need to wake up. By the Great Formula, everything she's done so far has been perfect. Why the hell do you think she powered up the skiff?" Mizxcoatl asked. He didn't answer. "She did it to draw the attention of the workers. She lifted off so slowly so they'd have time to get a couple of them on board her shuttle. That's how she got off it without us noticing. She disabled the two deck hands, dressed herself in one of their jump suits, threw one out of the ship then pretended to throw herself out after." She gestured toward the group of deck hands. While we've all been watching her ship, she's been making her get away." Mizxcoatl revealed with sourly. "And, that isn't all. Let me tell you how good she is. She's using the fumes off the thrusters of her ship to mask her scent so you can't pinpoint her, and she's moved the ship out of our reach so that we can't turn it off. That is exceedingly clever."
Mars considered his partner's words and growled menacingly. Everything she said made sense. The fact that he could even smell the pilot with all the fumes air was all the confirmation he needed that she'd escaped the ship. Her scent would have to be really strong for that to even be possible.
"She's masking her scent." Mars confirmed, drifting toward where the deck hands were milling. "But, I still don't think she's clever." He gestured to the hangar door and Mizxcoatl took his meaning. It was the only way out of the hangar. Their prey would have to pass that way to escape.
"I'm on it." Mizxcoatl responded, slipping her stunner from her pocket.
It was a small sidearm with a narrow muzzle that delivered a jolt of energy capable of overpowering an individual's nervous system. It also fatigued the person's neural relays and rendered their unconscious. A single shot from a stunner could incapacitate a target for over half a knell. It was the she-demon's preferred method for taking down a target on the run without killing them. She had orders to bring the girl back alive and relatively unharmed, and that's what she fully intended to do.
Mars reached the deck hands and studied their faces one by one, sniffing the air around them. The scent he thought was the pilot was coming from all of them, but none stronger than the others. He gritted his teeth in frustration. The girl knew she couldn't completely mask her scent with the fumes off the thrusters, so she was trying to hide her stench inside a cloud of it. He fully intended to punish her once he had her in hand.
The deck hands were all peering up at the ship floating overhead, so he got a real good look at each of their faces. None of the women in the group even remotely looked like his target. One was blonde. One was a red head. One of them was Kanga. Two were Haifeasian. None of them were his girl. He growled menacingly, and fought the urge to lash out at one of the innocents to vent his frustration. Instead, he turned away, turning toward the hangar doors to report his findings to his partner. She wasn't there.
He swung his gaze back to where he'd left her and found her seated on a crate with her back to him. She'd never bothered to guard the hangar door like he suggested. He sighed heavily and tried to figure out what had her attention. He peered past her, but saw nothing of interest. She just sat there on her crate, patiently waiting for whatever it was to happen. Mars hated when she got like this. He liked it when up front and open with him. He almost marched over there and confronted her about it, but changed his mind. She liked feeling superior to him. His answer was not to hang around and give her the opportunity.
The hangar door was still unguarded. He could remedy that and did so by hurrying over to it. He sniffed the air around it. The girl's scent was there, but it was hours old. That meant she was still here in the hangar. He drew out his own stunner and hid it behind his leg to keep from alarming anyone who might venture over. He sniffed the air every few moments, sampling it in case the girl tried to make a run for it. Sadly for him, her scent never changed.
"Where are you?" He breathed, talking to himself.
He didn't have the answer, but Mars was hoping his partner did. He darted a glance Mizxcoatl's way and frowned. She hadn't moved in over ten ticks. That wasn't normal for anyone, let alone a demon on the trail prey. As the ticks passed, he became increasingly nervous. It had nothing to do with the fear that his prey might have escaped, and everything to do with what she may have had to do to his partner in order to make that escape.
He waited another five tick before making up his mind to leave his post and check on her. He crouched down and hurriedly moved Mizxcoatl's way, casting frequent glances back toward the door in case the girl tried to make a run for it. She didn't. He circled his partner as he drew near, keeping his distance. Mars sighed with relief when he realized she was still breathing. He could see the slow rise and fall in her shoulders. She was still unresponsive though.
Again, it was experience that stopped him from hurrying over. He often used friends and family as bait to lure his targets out into the open. Sometimes, he would capture the target. Other times, he'd booby trap them. He always expected others to do what he did, but he didn't have friends or family. The thing person in the universe capable of being bait to him was his partner. So anytime a target over-powered her and left her for him to find, he made a point never to approach. As bait, she was only ever in danger if he entered the kill box.
He swept the area with his eyes, searching the area between the crates for possible trip wires, electric eyes, and proximity triggers. He also strained his ears for the tell-tale sound of adder bot servos. It was quite popular among his fellow demons to use such tactics. They employed a wide spectrum of assassin bots. It wasn't that outlandish to think the girl might employ the same methods. After all, he knew who her father had been.
The machines all had their strong points and could be camouflaged in any number of ways, but they all had the same flaw. If you paid close enough attention and knew what to listen for, you could hear the sound of their servos whining as they prepared their strikes. Thankfully, he didn't here any nor did he see any trip wires, eyes, or proximity triggers. What he did see was three red welts on the side of his partner's neck. The welts were the marks a stunner leaves, and she'd been shot three times. She was alive, but she was out of the hunt for a while.
Mars searched the area around her feet and his partner's hands. It was worse than he thought. She hadn't just been shot with a stunner. She'd been shot with her own. That was not an easy thing to do. His partner wasn't some lift leper dead beat who rolled old women for their government stipend. She was a corridor demon who'd been in the game for almost three centuries. Incapacitating her with her own weapon took more than just luck. It required a particular set of skills, a set of skills that was developed over a very long time, a set of skills that made his prey dangerous for demons like him.
Mars shook his head in frustration. None of it made any sense. The girl was the daughter of a thief. There was no way she should have been able to take Mizxcoatl's weapon away let alone use it on her. He didn't know what she'd been doing for that twenty years she'd been in hiding, but it was more than thieving. That was obvious.
"Don't worry, Mizxy. I'll get the little bitch and make her pay for what she's done." He promised.
He didn't have friends or family. All he had was his partner. She was literally the only person in the universe he would expose himself to save. Seeing her propped up the way she was with her eyes starring blankly into space filled him with silent rage. He fought to keep it silent. Losing control was what his prey was counting on. He needed to remain calm. That's what Mizxy would advise.
"Makki? Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you when I find you?" He asked. Makki didn't reply. She wasn't that stupid. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a knife coated with djinn oil.
It was his favorite paralytic. It amplified one's fear and made them paranoid. It also kept the target lucid and awake, but best of all, it let the target feel everything happening to them. Which was why it was his favorite. He planned on doing a lot of things to her. One scratch was all it took, and the effects were immediate.
"I'm going to spend days working on you, little girl."
He kept his eyes on the door, sweeping them back and forth to ensure to make sure she didn't take him by surprise as well. He wouldn't be taken down like Mizxy. It just wasn't going to happen. Thinking about Mizxy's plight gave him pause. He'd been stunned once long ago. What he remembered of the experience was that the effects radiated outward from where he was shot. It didn't affect the whole body at the same time. It took a moment for the shot to inflame the neural relays enough to knock a person out. His partner knew this, and she'd been shot in the neck. He glanced at her hands again and saw that her index finger was extended and pointing toward the hangar wall and the last row of crates. They were stacked to two high and would be a perfect place for Makki to hide. He sniffed the air in each direction. The pilot's scent was strongest from that direction.
"Good girl, Mizxy." Mars whispered. "We got her."
He moved swiftly through the crates of parts and power cells. Some of the crates barely reached his waist. Others were stacked as high as his head. His first instinct was to launch himself over the top of the crates in the last row, but changed his mind, coming in quietly instead.
Mars picked up a freight buckle off one of the crates and edged up as close he dared to the end of the row. Once he was in position, he tossed the buckle toward he far end to distract Makki. He gave her a moment to react, then leapt out into the aisle with his stunner up and ready before him.
She wasn't there. Her scent was, but she wasn't.
"Hey! I need help over here." One of the deck hands called out.
Mars risked a glance the man's way. A group was beginning to gather around his partner. When they tried to lay her down, Mars almost screamed for them to stop. He knew she probably wasn't booby trapped, but he hadn't really taken the time to find out for himself yet. The man laid Mizxcoatl down with no ill effect, and her demon partner sighed with relief. He knew the routine. They'd try to revive her first. Then they'd try to pull her file and identify her to see if she had some medical condition. That's when they'd discover she wasn't one of them. After that, they'd send for the guard. He had about ten ticks to finish up before Mizxy's condition became dire. He turned his attention back to his quarry. The quicker he ended this, the quicker they could leave.
He sniffed the air. Makki's scent was strong and coming from an orange jump suit stuffed between two crates. He retrieved it gingerly and raised it to his nose. They were the ones she'd stolen. He breathed in her musk a second time. Her scent was strong, and it was everywhere. It was on the wall and the floor and the crates. It was everywhere he sniffed.
"That was clever what you did with the ship." Mars congratulated. "It was a very effective distraction." He sniffed the air, creeping further down the row. The scent faded. He back tracked. The scent grew stronger and stronger till he reached the spot where she'd hid the jump suit. From that point on, the scent diminished. He sniffed the air again, then returned to where he'd picked up her cast off disguise. Her scent was strongest there. If he moved from the spot, her scent would wane regardless of the direction he traveled. He studied the area and tried to figure out how she did it. He racked his brain for the solution, coming up with nothing. His nose said she was right there, but all he found was her stolen jump suit. It made no sense.
"It's coming down." Several of the deckhands cried. Mars threw a glance toward the skiff. This threw him for a moment.
"It was smart to use the thrusters to camouflage your scent. I underestimated you. I see that now. I won't make that mistake again though. In fact, once they land that thing and shut it down, the scrubbers are going to clear these fumes out. Once that happens, there's not a place in this hangar where you can hide from me." He thrust the jumpsuit in the air. "I was tracking you based on a very old memory of what you smelled like. Leaving these behind was your first mistake. You might as well have drawn me a map to where you're hiding. Tick. Tick. Tick. You know what that is? That's your time is running out."
Mars grinned and sniffed the jumpsuit again. "This was foolish."
"It was foolish for you." Makki whispered, her breath tickling his ear.
Mars whipped his arm around behind him so fast that his blade screamed as it cut the air. It met no resistance. He fired two shots from his stunner down the aisle for good measure. No one cried out. Makki wasn't there. Maybe that's how she managed to disappear for twenty years without a trace. Maybe she joined up with a tribe of Moskiidtos. He didn't honestly believe that, but he listened carefully for the sound of her foot falls. All he needed was something to zero in on. If her joints creaked or her clothing rustled, he'd hear it. There was nothing though. It was like she'd vanished. "You a ghost or something?" He asked.
"Larvali actually." Makki replied softly.
Mars jerked his head toward the row of crates beside him and came face to face with Makki. She had hidden herself atop the crates above the spot where she'd hidden her stolen jump suit by laying prone. Mars cursed himself for a fool. That was why her scent was so strong. She knew he'd think the scent was coming from the jumpsuit rather than her.
"You really are a clever bitch." He murmured softly, knowing she had the drop of him.
"All mankind seems clever to the incompetent." She replied, reciting one of Rovan's favorite adages. "I'm sure to a mind sick lift leper, you're a veritable genius."
He growled in anger and tried to bring his blade up to scratch her, but it was a wasted effort and he knew it. Makki fired the moment she saw the muscles in his shoulder bunch. The shot hit him in the side of the head and dropped him to the deck instantly.
Makki rolled off the top of the crates, landing quietly in the aisle beside him. The stunner was so quiet that not a single deck hand was alerted to what she'd done. She fired two more shots in his chest and then shot him in the throat for good measure. She retrieved the jump suit from the Demon's hands, and reached down inside them for her pants. Taking them off was the only way to guarantee her scent was strong enough to throw him off her trail.
She hurriedly slipped them on, noticing only after she'd begun that she'd torn her panties while slipping off the top of the crate. She massaged her right butt cheek and cursed. The tear had nearly severed her waistband. She cursed again and reached down in a huff to pulled her pants up the rest of the way. She heard the tread of the man's boot a moment before he spoke.
"Nice ass." The newcomer quipped.
He sounded young and familiar. She knew that voice. In a different moment, she would have pinpointed it. But, Makki had learned a long time ago from almost every instructor she had at the Academy that there was a time to think and a there was a time to act. This was the later.
If you're foolish enough to let someone get the drop on you, then you deserve to be caught. She heard Rovan say. It was like he lived inside her head.
Makki threw herself backwards to the deck, her pants still around her knees. The man cursed and fired. She used her backward momentum to turn her fall to the deck into a backward roll. He fired again at the spot where she should have landed.
He cursed again when he missed her for the second time. She kicked out with both her feet as she came out of the roll, catching the guy hard in the in the solar plexus. All the wind was blasted from his lungs.
She found her feet with practiced ease, and threw herself on him, twisting around so that her body became the missile that took him down. They crashed to the deck hard. He managed to fire off two more blasts, before she managed to dominate him.
Makki knocked his stunner from his hand and sent it skittering across the deck. She followed that by crawling atop him, straddling his chest with her knees. Her pants were still around her knees. This actually aided her in pinning his arms at his side and to the deck.
He tried to buck her off next, but she was in control now and struck him upside the head with the butt of her stolen sidearm. He tried to buck her off again, and she struck him again, only harder this time. The boy--for that was what he was--tried to work one of his arms free instead. She scooted up his body and put her left knee on his elbow, shifting her weight to it to force him to hold still. He cried out in pain, and she stuck the muzzle of her stunner up under his chin, jabbing in hard so that he couldn't pull away from it.
"How many more of you are there?" She asked, shooting a nervous glance toward the far end of the row. It was the direction the guy had come from. "How many?" She snapped, twisting the muzzle of her stunner into the skin covering his throat. He cried out in pain.
"Enough, Makki!" The boy exclaimed heatedly. She knew that voice. She shifted so the hangar lights would fall on his face. He was an Aeonic Child like herself. His hair was a mass of dark brown curls, framing a relatively handsome face. He had a small button nose, vivid blue eyes, a square jaw, a chiseled chin, and his bangs covered half his face. That didn't matter. She recognized the half she could see.
"Kai?" She asked in disbelief. He flashed her a puckish grin and craned his neck so that he staring at her panty-covered crotch.
"If I knew this was how you were greeting old friends, I would have visited you more often." He teased.
"You're supposed to be dead?" Makki argued.
"Supposed to? I wasn't killed off, baby. I was promoted." He said, scratching her calf with something sharp.
Why'd you hesitate. Rovan snapped. All that training for nothing. Why didn't you shoot him?
She tried to pull the trigger the moment she felt the pain in her leg, but it was far too late. The djinn oil was already in her blood, and its effects were as immediate as its reputation claimed.
"Sorry about that." Kai murmured softly. "It's nothing personal, Makki. I'm just doing my job."
You're with them? She asked, pushing her thought into his mind.
"Thunder Cunt and Dickless?" He asked with a snort, referring to Mizxcoatl and Mars. "Hardly. They're part of the old guard. They're relics. I'm the competition."
He eased her over and laid her on her back. His kneeled between her legs and grabbed her pants in both hands. She feared the worst, but instead being the monster Mars was, Kai went to work dressing her.
"Now, this brings back memories." He joked. "Only back then, you were asking me to take them off."
Why are you doing this? She asked, silently seething.
"Why am I doing what? This? I'm doing it for the cron. Personally, I find it disgusting just how much Matron Grimhilt is offering for your retrieval. I mean it is a disgusting amount, Makki. I could buy a luxury cell near the top outer edge of the ship with one window looking out on the void and another window looking down on the Oculus for what she's offering for you, and I'm not kidding. I could even afford to hire my own personal chef. I could buy my own carriage, skiff, and hire a driver to chauffer me around too. I don't know what she wants with you, but finding you has become a top priority for every demon in her stable." He waggled his eye brows playfully.
You slept with this kid? Rovan asked.
Makki tried to frown. That had been a strangely specific query to recall. Though, she couldn't actually recall Rovan ever asking her that before.
Rovan? She asked.
What?
Is that really you? She asked.
No. I'm a lunar child throwing whispers in your head. Of course it's me you idiot. How have you not noticed me till now. You have been gone from the Academy for less than two days and you're already captured. He snapped. I told that jackass, Rashnamik, that you weren't ready to fly solo yet. You still had another forty years to go.
Have you been following me this entire time? Makki asked.
Yes, and aren't you glad I did?
"So, where you been keeping yourself?" Kai asked, squatting down beside her. "Twenty years off the scope. I'd love to know how you managed that."
How did you find me? She asked, ignoring his question.
Good girl. Now you're asking the right questions. Rovan congratulated.
"You called Carmine." He replied. "He told Grimhilt." Makki felt like Kai had just kicked her in the stomach. It had to be a lie.
You're lying. Carmine wouldn't do that. She snapped. "He's my friend."
"You've been gone for a very long time, Makki. People change. Carmine did. You still think he's a thief, don't you?"
He's my friend. I know who he is. She argued.
"You thought I was the one." Kai fired back. "You remember? Hell, do you remember how you used to make all those plans for us? You thought we were going to run off and escape to one of the other ships and leave all of our old life behind. Never once did I ever think about giving this up. I was on the fast track to the top. I only wanted in your pants, Mak.
"Me and the others--Buckley, Merrow, San, Mork. We used get drunk and listen to the NID recordings I made of us screwing. Hell, the only reason I was promoted to demon was because of you. Something in one of the recordings I made of us really pissed the Matron off. I don't know what it was you said that she found so interesting, but I think it got your father killed. I mean, I don't know that for sure, and it's just a guess, but that's what I think caused it."
You're lying. Makki raged.
"Am I? I was promoted two rotations after delivering Grimhilt that recording. Two rotations after that, I catch word that the Matron had your father forcibly retired." Kai argued. "I even hear that you got to hold the knife."
Don't kill him. Makki cried in fright, catching sight of Rovan atop the same crates she'd hidden on. He was silently sprinting across the top of them and moving into for the kill.
He was dressed in masking attire. The black tactical uniform that was standard agent attire. The dark fabric was made up of a patchwork of hand-sized irregular-shaped splotches that endlessly shifted from a dark black to a dark grey to a dark green. The pattern of change was slow and random and made spotting the wearer next to impossible when there were shadows around. She only spotted him because from her supine position, the back drop behind him was white. In truth, Rovan didn't really need the shadow suit. He could sneak up on a Moskiddto without the tribesman ever knowing he was there.
In her haste to stop Rovan's assassination of Kai, she blurted out her warning. Kai heard her warning and rose to deal with his would be attacker. He spun about and took aim. His arms crossed at the wrist. In his lower hand he held Makki's stolen stunner. In his other hand--the hand on top--he held the tiny dagger he'd used to scratch Makki's leg. It didn't matter what he was holding. He could have been manning a turret, and it wouldn't have saved him from Rovan.
Rovan's hands flicked two small grey spheres at the boy's chest. To his credit, Kai managed to deflect one of them. The other one he managed to miss. It hit him in the chest and stuck. A moment later, it detonated, throwing Kai backward into the hangar wall.
Don't kill him. Makki pleaded.
I didn't. Rovan replied. He leapt down to the deck, landing gingerly beside his adopted daughter then hurried over to the boy he'd just blasted.
"Where is it?" He asked.
"W-Where's what?" Kai gasped, clutching his chest where the concussion grenade had struck him.
"The queer powder. I have to carry her. I'm not carrying you." Rovan snapped.
"S-Screw . . . you." Kai retorted. Rovan squatted beside the demon and pulled a wicked looking blade from a sheath strapped to his calf.
"I'm going to count to--" Rovan stuck his knife in the kid's shoulder without bothering to finished his threat. Kai opened his mouth to cry out, but Rovan slapped his free hand over the boy's mouth to muffle his screams. "When I reach the count of--" He didn't finish that threat either. He simply stabbed the kid in the meaty part of his left shoulder.
Kai tried to fight back and made a clumsy attempt at a stab. Rovan avoided it with unbelievable ease and casually stuck the tip of his blade in the back of the boy's hand as it passed him by. Kai dropped his dagger and cried out in pain.
"I know you want to act tough, but I'm tiring of this game. You might have deduced by my apparel and by the fact that I've been shadowing you and them for over two hours that I don't like to draw attention to myself. Right now, you're a little bloody. If you get any bloodier, you're going to draw attention. At that point, I'm just going to cut my losses and slice your throat." Rovan explained. "As it sits now, I plan on making three more cuts. The next cut I make will drive in behind your knee cap. The one after that will be me taking out your right eye. The cut after that will open your windpipe. Do you understand? Good. Now where's your queer powder?" Rovan asked calmly.
Kai glared back at him and said nothing. Rovan shrugged and set the point of his knife against the fleshy part of his leg, right above his patella.
"This will hurt." He promised.
"The pocket near my knee. The pocket near my right knee." Kai blurted in a panic, realizing that the man fully intended to torture him till he had what he wanted.
Rovan nodded and fished out the powder. He opened the packet and peered inside to make sure it was the right stuff. Kai suddenly blew hard against the packet, intending to blow the powder in Rovan's face. The grizzled instructor averted his eyes and move the envelope of powder beyond the boy's influence.
"That was almost clever." Rovan remarked, setting his blade atop the boy's knee once more. "But, almost clever is still stupid, kid." He shoved his blade down behind the demon's knee cap, laming him. Kai roared in pain. "You'll find that I'm a man of my word." Rovan sneered, ripping the boys head backwards so he could dump the contents of the powder down his throat.
Kai bucked and roared and cried out and grabbed for his knee. Rovan let him alone and waited for the powder to take hold.
Two deck hands came rushing around the end of the row of crates. They're were no doubt drawn to the spot by the demon's screams. They froze the moment they rounded the crates, taking in the downed Maastizo, the unconscious girl, the screaming tithe collector, and the shadow man in his ever-shifting shadow suit. Rovan kept his back to them. They didn't need to see his face.
"You're first instinct is to call the guard and report what you've just discovered. Your first instinct will get you killed." Rovan told them calmly. They backed away slowly. "You may go." The two men fled. A moment later, the queer powder seized control of the boy Makki wanted saved.
Thank you for not killing him. Makki murmured, even as Rovan took her in his arms.
"He won't thank you for that mercy." Rovan fired back.
I wasn't saving him because of who he was. I saved him because of what he knows. She rebutted. Rovan smiled.
"There may be hope for you yet." Rovan grinned and turned to the boy he'd just maimed. "Follow us." He ordered. Kai rose unsteadily to his feet, ignoring the pain Rovan's knife had caused. The queer powder, in addition to turning people into mindless zombies, was also a highly effective pain suppressant. Med Techs used to use the powder in battle field conditions to treat the wounded. It kept them quiet and guaranteed the patients followed their doctor's orders to the letter.
"What about the other two?" Rovan asked, referring to Mizxcoatl and Mars. Makki considered his question.
We don't need them. Makki replied.
We should kill them. Rovan advised. Makki was still squeamish when it came to casually murdering people.
They let a mark take them down. The other demon's are going to tease them over this. If they don't die in one of those fights, then I'm sure Matron Grimhilt will have them retired. She doesn't suffer the incompetent to live. Makki argued.
"It's your ass on the line." Rovan warned. Makki knew this. She knew it well.
Start Part 10 Part 20 Part 30 Part 40 Part 50 Part 60 Part 70 Part 80 Part 90 Part 100 Part 110
Part 113 Part 114 Part 115 Part 116 Part 117 Part 118 Part 119
Other Books in the Series
Croatoan, Earth: The Saga Begins - Book One
Croatoan, Earth: Tattooed Horizon - Book Two
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It's been found that "motivation" ... however subjective... is very much a function of having proper amounts of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens (nac). See Salamone and Treadway. Russell Barkley also talks about motivation and the limbic system here (the ability to drive through to a goal in the absence of consequences) And of course, the most common way to get that dopamine into the nac is with amphetamine. (ask anyone who has taken such for adhd)
I have seen a lot of posts in forums where people are saying informally that "adderall is more motivating than dexedrine" or simply "adderall is very motivating".
Now, the main difference between the two meds is that dexedrine is (obviously) 100% dextroamphetamine while adderall is about 75% dex-amphetamine and 25% levoamphetamine. (Dex= right side of the molecule, levo= left side of the molecule) Apparently dex-amp tends to release more dopamine, while levo-amp releases more epinephrine. The result is that dex stimulates more of your central nervous system (CNS) while levo stimulates more of your peripheral nervous system (PNS). So it would seem that dex-amp would be putting more dopamine into the nac than levo-amp.
So what's going on here? Why are people saying that a med with 75/25 dex/levo is more "motivating" than a med that's 100% dex?
In a way, by releasing more epinephrine and stimulating your PNS, perhaps the levo-amphetamine is being similar to ephedra or sudafed or a lot of caffeine? For comparison sake, consider the Benzedrine users of the 1950's. "Bennies" were amphetamine sulfate with a racemic mixture of 50/50 dex and levo (even more levo than the 25% in adderal). They would make writers, musicians, AM radio DJ's, poets, etc work in a very manic, highly charged way. Maybe this uppity characteristic of Benzedrine is where the nickname "Speed" came from?
.
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In short, is the levo-amp really providing what we subjectively consider "motivation" or is it really more like "physical stimulation"??
(FWIW I've only taken ritalin and dexedrine for adhd. I've never taken adderall)