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50 Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing Audiobook By Matthew Perry cover art Sample 1. Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing A Memoir By: Matthew Perry Language: English Add to cart Add to Wish List Fourth Wing (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Rebecca Yarros cover art 2. Fourth Wing (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) The Empyrean, Book 1 By: Rebecca Yarros Series: Empyrean, Book Book 1, Part 2 The Creative Act Audiobook By Rick Rubin cover art 3. The Creative Act A Way of Being By: Rick Rubin Unf--k Your Brain Audiobook By Faith G. Harper PhD LPC-S ACS ACN cover art 4. Unf--k Your Brain By: Faith G. Harper PhD LPC-S ACS ACN Included in Plus membership Mr. K and the Flowers Audiobook By Nassim Soleimanpour cover art 5. Mr. K and the Flowers By: Nassim Soleimanpour Swing State Audiobook By Rebecca Gilman cover art 6. Swing State By: Rebecca Gilman Little Women Audiobook By Louisa May Alcott cover art 7. Little Women An Audible Original Drama By: Louisa May Alcott Series: Little Women Play Add to Library The Storyteller: Expanded Audiobook By Dave Grohl cover art 8. The Storyteller: Expanded ...Because There's More to the Story By: Dave Grohl My Effin' Life Audiobook By Geddy Lee cover art 9. My Effin' Life By: Geddy Lee Bedtime Stories for Cynics Audiobook By Dave Hill, Jessica Conrad, Sean Keane, Matt Lieb, Gretchen Enders, Guy Branum, Brent 10. Bedtime Stories for Cynics By: Dave Hill, Jessica Conrad, Sean Keane, Matt Lieb, Gretchen Enders, Guy Branum, Brent Weinbach Series: Bedtime Stories for Cynics The Artist's Way: 25th Anniversary Edition Audiobook By Julia Cameron cover art 11. The Artist's Way: 25th Anniversary Edition By: Julia Cameron Sorry for Your Loss Audiobook By Michael Cruz Kayne cover art 12. Sorry for Your Loss By: Michael Cruz Kayne Dolly Parton, Songteller Audiobook By Dolly Parton cover art 13. 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Behind the Seams My Life in Rhinestones By: Dolly Parton, Holly George-Warren - contributor, Rebecca Seaver - curator The Heroin Diaries: 10 Year Anniversary Edition Audiobook By Nikki Sixx cover art 50. The Heroin Diaries: 10 Year Anniversary Edition A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star By: Nikki Sixx Top 100 Product List Hollywood: The Oral History Audiobook By Jeanine Basinger, Sam Wasson cover art 51. Hollywood: The Oral History By: Jeanine Basinger, Sam Wasson Sale ends in 22d 14h 28m 19s At Home Audiobook By Bill Bryson cover art 52. At Home A Short History of Private Life By: Bill Bryson Every Man for Himself and God Against All Audiobook By Werner Herzog, Michael Hofmann - translator cover art 53. Every Man for Himself and God Against All By: Werner Herzog, Michael Hofmann - translator Save the Cat! Audiobook By Blake Snyder cover art 54. Save the Cat! The Last Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need By: Blake Snyder Series: Save the Cat! Creativity, Inc. (The Expanded Edition) Audiobook By Ed Catmull, Amy Wallace - contributor cover art 55. Creativity, Inc. (The Expanded Edition) Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration By: Ed Catmull, Amy Wallace - contributor The Blues Brothers Audiobook By Daniel De Visé cover art 56. The Blues Brothers An Epic Friendship, the Rise of Improv, and the Making of an American Film Classic By: Daniel De Visé Amusing Ourselves to Death Audiobook By Neil Postman cover art 57. Amusing Ourselves to Death Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business By: Neil Postman All the Beauty in the World Audiobook By Patrick Bringley cover art 58. All the Beauty in the World The Metropolitan Museum of Art and Me By: Patrick Bringley The Marathon Don't Stop Audiobook By Rob Kenner cover art 59. The Marathon Don't Stop The Life and Times of Nipsey Hussle By: Rob Kenner Story Audiobook By Robert McKee cover art 60. Story Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting By: Robert McKee MCU Audiobook By Joanna Robinson, Dave Gonzales, Gavin Edwards cover art 61. MCU The Reign of Marvel Studios By: Joanna Robinson, Dave Gonzales, Gavin Edwards 3 Shades of Blue Audiobook By James Kaplan cover art 62. 3 Shades of Blue Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Bill Evans, and the Lost Empire of Cool By: James Kaplan How to Tell a Story Audiobook By The Moth, Meg Bowles, Catherine Burns, Jenifer Hixson, Sarah Austin Jenness, Kate Tellers, P 63. How to Tell a Story The Essential Guide to Memorable Storytelling from The Moth By: The Moth, Meg Bowles, Catherine Burns, Jenifer Hixson, Sarah Austin Jenness, Kate Tellers, Padma Lakshmi, Chenjerai Kumanyika In Love & Struggle, Vol. 3: The Future Is Around Us Audiobook By The Meteor cover art 64. In Love & Struggle, Vol. 3: The Future Is Around Us By: The Meteor Art & Fear Audiobook By David Bayles, Ted Orland cover art 65. Art & Fear Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking By: David Bayles, Ted Orland The Way I See It Audiobook By Melissa Anderson cover art 66. The Way I See It A Look Back at My Life on Little House By: Melissa Anderson Oscar Wars Audiobook By Michael Schulman cover art 67. Oscar Wars A History of Hollywood in Gold, Sweat, and Tears By: Michael Schulman Surely You Can't Be Serious Audiobook By David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker cover art 68. Surely You Can't Be Serious The True Story of Airplane! By: David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, Jerry Zucker Life Audiobook By Keith Richards, James Fox cover art 69. Life By: Keith Richards, James Fox The Science of Storytelling Audiobook By Will Storr cover art 70. The Science of Storytelling By: Will Storr Lucy Audiobook By Erica Schmidt cover art 71. Lucy By: Erica Schmidt Killing the Legends Audiobook By Bill O'Reilly, Martin Dugard cover art 72. Killing the Legends The Lethal Danger of Celebrity By: Bill O'Reilly, Martin Dugard Series: The Killing Series (O'Reilly and Dugard) How to Write One Song Audiobook By Jeff Tweedy cover art 73. How to Write One Song Loving the Things We Create and How They Love Us Back By: Jeff Tweedy Me Audiobook By Elton John cover art 74. Me Elton John Official Autobiography By: Elton John Beastie Boys Book Audiobook By Michael Diamond, Adam Horovitz cover art 75. Beastie Boys Book By: Michael Diamond, Adam Horovitz Crave (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Tracy Wolff cover art 76. Crave (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) Crave, Book 1 By: Tracy Wolff Series: Crave, Book 1 Measure of a Man: A Memoir Audiobook By Martin Greenfield, Wynton Hall - contributor cover art 77. Measure of a Man: A Memoir From Auschwitz Survivor to Presidents' Tailor By: Martin Greenfield, Wynton Hall - contributor Gold Dust Woman Audiobook By Stephen Davis cover art 78. 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The Heroin Diaries: 10 Year Anniversary Edition All You Need Is Love: The Beatles in Their Own Words Audiobook By Peter Brown, Steven Gaines cover art 39. All You Need Is Love: The Beatles in Their Own Words Unpublished, Unvarnished, and Told by The Beatles and Their Inner Circle By: Peter Brown, Steven Gaines Not rated yet Pre-order: Free with 30-day trial Pre-order 40. Energy Follows Thought 41. Grateful American 42. Coreyography 43. All About Me! 44. Cinema Speculation 45. As You Wish 46. Broken Horses 47. The Science of Storytelling 48. Behind the Seams 49. Creativity, Inc. (The Expanded Edition) 50. At Home Add to 51. Chasing Beauty 52. Save the Cat! 53. Your Brain on Art Down with the System Audiobook By Serj Tankian cover art 54. Down with the System A Memoir (of Sorts) By: Serj Tankian 55. Life The Feud that Sparked the Renaissance Audiobook By Paul Robert Walker cover art 56. The Feud that Sparked the Renaissance How Brunelleschi and Ghiberti Changed the Art World By: Paul Robert Walker Sale ends in 22d 14h 26m 14s 57. Gold Dust Woman 58. Elizabeth Taylor Dangerous Rhythms Audiobook By T. J. English cover art 59. Dangerous Rhythms Jazz and the Underworld By: T. J. English 60. Me 61. Paddle Your Own Canoe The Most Beautiful Audiobook By Mayte Garcia cover art 62. The Most Beautiful My Life with Prince By: Mayte Garcia Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die Audiobook By Daniel Sloss cover art 63. Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die And Other Comforting Thoughts on Family, Friends, Sex, Love, and More Things That Ruin Your Life By: Daniel Sloss What Have We Here? Audiobook By Billy Dee Williams cover art 64. What Have We Here? Portraits of a Life By: Billy Dee Williams 65. Beastie Boys Book 66. A Life with Ghosts Black Privilege Audiobook By Charlamagne Tha God cover art 67. Black Privilege Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It By: Charlamagne Tha God Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama Audiobook By Bob Odenkirk cover art 68. Comedy Comedy Comedy Drama By: Bob Odenkirk 69. The Marathon Don't Stop 70. Weird Scenes Inside the Canyon Tupac Shakur Audiobook By Staci Robinson cover art 71. Tupac Shakur The Authorized Biography By: Staci Robinson Network Effect (Dramatized Adaptation) Audiobook By Martha Wells cover art 72. Network Effect (Dramatized Adaptation) The Murderbot Diaries, Book 5 By: Martha Wells Series: Murderbot Diaries, Book 5 73. Story 74. Oscar Wars 75. The Last Castle Robin Audiobook By Dave Itzkoff cover art 76. Robin By: Dave Itzkoff 77. The Dirt The New Comedy Bible Audiobook By Judy Carter cover art 78. The New Comedy Bible The Ultimate Guide to Writing and Performing Stand-Up Comedy By: Judy Carter 79. Crave (Part 2 of 2) (Dramatized Adaptation) 80. All You Need to Know About the Music Business (11th Edition) Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald - Makers, Mysteries and Magic Audiobook By Pottermore Publishing, Mark Salisbury, 81. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald - Makers, Mysteries and Magic A Behind the Scenes Documentary By: Pottermore Publishing, Mark Salisbury, Hana Walker-Brown Series: Wizarding World Collection, Wizarding World Into the Void Audiobook By Geezer Butler cover art 82. Into the Void From Birth to Black Sabbath—And Beyond By: Geezer Butler Subculture Vulture Audiobook By Moshe Kasher cover art 83. Subculture Vulture A Memoir in Six Scenes By: Moshe Kasher Dilla Time Audiobook By Dan Charnas, Jeff Peretz - contributor cover art 84. Dilla Time The Life and Afterlife of J Dilla, the Hip-Hop Producer Who Reinvented Rhythm By: Dan Charnas, Jeff Peretz - contributor Still Foolin' 'Em Audiobook By Billy Crystal cover art 85. Still Foolin' 'Em Where I've Been, Where I'm Going, and Where the Hell Are My Keys By: Billy Crystal The Call of Cthulhu Audiobook By H. P. Lovecraft cover art 86. The Call of Cthulhu By: H. P. Lovecraft Live from New York Audiobook By James Andrew Miller, Tom Shales cover art 87. Live from New York The Complete, Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live as Told by Its Stars, Writers, and Guests By: James Andrew Miller, Tom Shales This Is Your Brain on Music Audiobook By Daniel J. Levitin cover art 88. This Is Your Brain on Music The Science of a Human Obsession By: Daniel J. Levitin I'll Be There for You: The One about Friends Audiobook By Kelsey Miller cover art 89. I'll Be There for You: The One about Friends By: Kelsey Miller Monsters Audiobook By Claire Dederer cover art 90. Monsters A Fan's Dilemma By: Claire Dederer Girl Logic Audiobook By Iliza Shlesinger cover art 91. Girl Logic The Genius and the Absurdity By: Iliza Shlesinger 92. 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The Art of the English Murder From Jack the Ripper and Sherlock Holmes to Agatha Christie and Alfred Hitchcock By: Lucy Worsley A Long Strange Trip Audiobook By Dennis McNally cover art 39. A Long Strange Trip The Inside History of the Grateful Dead By: Dennis McNally Making Movies Audiobook By Sidney Lumet cover art 40. Making Movies By: Sidney Lumet The Wild Heart of Stevie Nicks Audiobook By Rob Sheffield cover art 41. The Wild Heart of Stevie Nicks By: Rob Sheffield Intuition Is Your Superpower Audiobook By Jenniffer Weigel cover art 42. Intuition Is Your Superpower Opening the Gifts Within, Vol. 1 By: Jenniffer Weigel Series: Opening the Gifts Within, Book 1 Art and Faith Audiobook By Makoto Fujimura, N.T. Wright - foreword cover art 43. Art and Faith A Theology of Making By: Makoto Fujimura, N.T. Wright - foreword How Colors Affect You: What Science Reveals Audiobook By William Lidwell, The Great Courses cover art 44. How Colors Affect You: What Science Reveals By: William Lidwell, The Great Courses The World of Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time Audiobook By Robert Jordan, Teresa Patterson cover art 45. The World of Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time By: Robert Jordan, Teresa Patterson NPR Road Trips Collection Audiobook By National Public Radio Inc. cover art 46. NPR Road Trips Collection By: National Public Radio Inc. Hamlet Audiobook By William Shakespeare cover art 47. Hamlet By: William Shakespeare "I Give You My Body..." Audiobook By Diana Gabaldon cover art 48. "I Give You My Body..." How I Write Sex Scenes By: Diana Gabaldon Family Don't End with Blood Audiobook By Lynn S. Zubernis cover art 49. Family Don't End with Blood Cast and Fans on How Supernatural Has Changed Lives By: Lynn S. Zubernis Bluets Audiobook By Maggie Nelson cover art 50. Bluets By: Maggie Nelson 51. Room Full of Mirrors A Biography of Jimi Hendrix By: Charles R. 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Divided Soul The Life of Marvin Gaye By: David Ritz Joni Mitchell: In Her Own Words Audiobook By Malka Marom cover art 61. Joni Mitchell: In Her Own Words By: Malka Marom My Body, My Podcast Podcast with Elizabeth Banks cover art 62. My Body, My Podcast Vincent van Gogh Audiobook By Julius Meier-Graefe cover art 63. Vincent van Gogh A Biography By: Julius Meier-Graefe Walking in This World Audiobook By Julia Cameron cover art 64. Walking in This World The Practical Art of Creativity The Geography of Nowhere Audiobook By James Howard Kunstler cover art 65. The Geography of Nowhere The Rise and Decline of America's Man-Made Landscape By: James Howard Kunstler Van Halen Rising Audiobook By Greg Renoff cover art 66. Van Halen Rising How a Southern California Backyard Party Band Saved Heavy Metal By: Greg Renoff Ted Templeman Audiobook By Ted Templeman, Greg Renoff cover art 67. 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Review:

As said in my TLDR on the Palace Papers, I read these two books to find out what that hullabaloo was about Harry/Meghan considering the bizarre, intense hatred they receive on every read thread, that sometimes it was impossible to find out which comments contained truth and which stemmed for pure vitriol.
When the leaks of Spare came out, I, too, was dumbfounded over Harry's seeming lack of self-awareness and half-expected to come out reading his book finally hating him as the snark sub does. But dare I say this book was... okay? Now reading it in full and in context, everything actually flows well instead of the self-embarrassing mouth vomit I was expecting it to be? I'm sorry! 🫣 There were actually moments wherein it seemed he was genuinely introspective and self-aware, as opposed to my first impressions of him being completely out of touch during the leaks.
Tbf there are definitely moments of cringe, especially during the first chapter (maybe because he's still in his teens/twenties there), but some of the cringe-y stories are either funny to me or like.... lukewarm tea? Human experiences? I mean it is an autobiography, so I kind of appreciate the fact he was willing to put out and talk about difficult, awkward topics such as his mental health, military, tabloids, stuff that makes him/Meghan look bad, etc. The book is very... Harry... and is tame and somewhat more reflective and cognizant compared to Diana's unofficially biography (he'll hate me for this comparison).
The second chapter is the most genuine to me. It really does seem the military was his calling and escape, the only place where he wasn't having anxiety attacks or being harangued by paps or constantly thinking about his mom.
The most shocking claims for me are him detailing numerous instances of Camilla throwing him, Meghan, William and Kate under the bus in exchange for better press coverage for her; as well as the Queen not knowing he had numerous times complained to the palace about the intense press coverage on Meghan, because her senior staff had hidden it from her.
I was mostly uncomfortable reading about his very clear trauma over his mom's death due to the paparazzi. From the start until the end, you can follow his gradual, simmering rage towards them that builds and builds and explodes after Meghan enters his life. He details almost every significant life moment being invaded by paps.
While I may not fully agree with some of his views and sometimes found myself wondering why he included a dumbass sentence, the book ultimately made me understand why he ultimately left the family, and even why he decided to do the documentary, this book, etc. The book does a good job outlining the build-up and explaining to this. I honestly finished reading this book with a feeling of "No wonder he left." I also think his humanized Charles greatly in a positive way, despite his supposed faults. You could feel he also is just a traumatized kid who needed his parents' love like Harry/William.
Most of the things Tina Brown documented in The Palace Papers are verified in Spare, with a couple of exceptions and few extra details.

TLDR of TLDR:

Book covers his entire life, mostly dealing with his mental headspace and experiences with the tabloids and his unresolved grief over his mom's death, which is sad to follow tbh. Does a very good job outlining why he ultimately wrote the book and decided to leave, regardless whether one agrees with his decisions and statements or not. Sometimes tone-deaf, but still comes off less dumb, whiney and spiteful than I thought it would be. Humanizes him somewhat - for better or worse. Still a rich guy with his own faults sometimes preoccupied with things us plebs can't relate to, but a rich guy with valid childhood trauma trying to cope and come over it.

TLDR (direct quotes separated by paragraph).

Diana

https://imgur.com/a/Jg3KySE

Charles

https://imgur.com/a/WAwZDMG
Instances of C/C spinning negative stories above William and Kate:
C/C vs. W/K. The papers were awash with stories about Willy being lazy, and the press had taken to calling him “Work-shy Wills”, which was obscene, grossly unfair, because he was busy having children and raising a family. (Kate was pregnant again.) Also, he was still beholden to Pa, who controlled the purse strings. He did as much as Pa wanted him to do, and sometimes that wasn’t much, because Pa and Camilla didn’t want Willy and Kate getting loads of publicity. Pa and Camilla didn’t like Willy and Kate drawing attention away from them or their causes. They’d openly scolded Willy about it many times. Case in point: Pa’s press officer berated Willy’s team when Kate was scheduled to visit a tennis club on the same day Pa was doing an engagement. Told that it was too late to cancel the visit, Pa’s press officer warned: Just make sure the Duchess doesn’t hold a tennis racquet in any of the photos! Such a winning, fetching photo would undoubtedly wipe Pa and Camilla off the front pages. And that, in the end, couldn’t be tolerated. Willy told me that both he and Kate felt trapped, and unfairly persecuted, by the press and by Pa and Camilla.
Money/security/Kate should change her name. Hmm. I see. Well, darling boy, you know there’s not enough money to go around. I stared. What was he banging on about? He explained. Or tried to. I can’t pay for anyone else. I’m already having to pay for your brother and Catherine. I flinched. Something about his use of the name Catherine. I remembered the time he and Camilla wanted Kate to change the spelling of her name, because there were already two royal cyphers with a C and a crown above: Charles and Camilla. It would be too confusing to have another. Make it Katherine with a K, they suggested. I wondered now what came of that suggestion. I turned to Willy, gave him a look that said: You listening to this? His face was blank. Pa didn’t financially support Willy and me, and our families, out of any largesse. That was his job. That was the whole deal. We agreed to serve the monarch, go wherever we were sent, do whatever we were told, surrender our autonomy, keep our hands and feet inside the gilded cage at all times, and in exchange the keepers of the cage agreed to feed and clothe us. Was Pa, with all his millions from the hugely lucrative Duchy of Cornwall, trying to say that our captivity was starting to cost him a bit too much?.... It was suddenly clear to me that this wasn’t about money. Pa might have dreaded the rising cost of maintaining us, but what he really couldn’t stomach was someone new dominating the monarchy, grabbing the limelight, someone shiny and new coming in and overshadowing him. And Camilla. He’d lived through that before, and had no interest in living through it again.
​

William

https://imgur.com/a/DKYLIMs
William pissed at Camilla creating negative press about him and Kate, then ending the conversation with being pissed at Meghan. https://imgur.com/a/pjafjTr

W is accused of being competitive.

But I wasn’t the one forgetting. Willy told me to pretend I didn’t know him. What? You don’t know me, Harold. And I don’t know you. For the last two years, he explained, Eton had been his sanctuary. No kid brother tagging along, pestering him with questions, pushing up on his social circle. He was forging his own life, and he wasn’t willing to give that up.
and I sensed love in return, but also some embarrassment. I was half Willy’s size, half his weight. I was the younger brother: he was supposed to save me, not the other way around.
On H's army tour being pulled due to threats. I talked it over with Willy. He had complicated feelings as well. He sympathized, as a soldier. But as a sibling? A highly competitive older brother? He couldn’t bring himself to totally regret this turn of events. Most of the time Willy and I didn’t have any truck with all that Heir–Spare nonsense. But now and then I’d be brought up short and realize that on some level it really did matter to him. Professionally, personally, he cared where I stood, what I was doing.
maybe there was some tension under the surface between us, which I wasn’t fully comprehending. While sharing that cottage we agreed to a rare joint interview, in an aeroplane hangar at Shawbury, during which Willy griped endlessly about my habits. Harry’s a slob, he said. Harry snores. I turned and gave him a look. Was he joking? I cleaned up after myself, and I didn’t snore. Besides, our rooms were separated by thick walls, so even if I did snore there was no way he heard. The reporters were having fits of giggles about it all, but I cut in: Lies! Lies! That only made them laugh harder. Willy too. I laughed as well, because we often bantered like that, but when I look back on it now, I can’t help but wonder if there wasn’t something else at play. I was training to get to the front line, the same place Willy had been training to get, but the Palace had scuttled his plans.
Invictus Games. And this sudden attack of nerves kept me from being at my best. Still, I got through it, and the board said yes. Thrilled, I reached out to Willy, expecting him to be thrilled as well. He was sorely irritated. He wished I’d run all this by him first.
Wedding. James and Thomas – Willy’s best men. The public had been told that I was to be best man, but that was a bare-faced lie. The public expected me to be best man, and thus the Palace saw no choice but to say that I was. In truth, Willy didn’t want me giving a best-man speech. He didn’t think it safe to hand me a live mic and put me in a position to go off script. I might say something wildly inappropriate. He wasn’t wrong. Also, the lie gave cover to James and Thomas, two civilians, two innocents. Had they been outed as Willy’s best men, the rabid press would’ve chased them, tracked them, hacked them, investigated them, ruined their families’ lives. Both chaps were shy, quiet. They couldn’t handle such an onslaught, and shouldn’t be expected to. Willy explained all this to me and I didn’t blink.
Still, I added, the Yank improvised, made the best of things, as Yanks do, and cobbled together what he had, which I now held aloft. The room let out a collective gasp. It was a thong.
W is drunk, wants to say hi to crowd. He asked me to come. He begged. I could see in his eyes that the rum was really hitting hard. He needed a wingman. Painfully familiar role for me. But all right. We went out, walked the edge of the crowd, shaking hands. People wished Willy well, told him they loved him, loved Kate. They gave us both the same teary smiles, the same looks of fondness and pity we’d seen that day in August 1997. I couldn’t help but shake my head. Here it was, the eve of Willy’s Big Day, one of the happiest of his life, and there was simply no avoiding the echoes of his Worst Day. Our Worst Day.
W not allowed to wear uniform choice. he looked as if he hadn’t slept a wink. His face was gaunt, his eyes red. You OK? Yeah, yeah, fine. But he wasn’t. He was wearing the bright red uniform of the Irish Guards, not his Household Cavalry frock coat uniform. I wondered if that was the matter. He’d asked Granny if he could wear his Household Cavalry kit and she’d turned him down. As the Heir, he must wear the Number One Ceremonial, she decreed. Willy was glum at having so little say in what he wore to get married, at having his autonomy taken from him on such an occasion. He’d told me several times that he felt frustrated.
During H's wedding, William pissed at H because H says hi to crowd like William did, and because H is allowed to wear his own uniform.
W pissed over rhinoes. One day, we almost came to blows in front of our childhood mates, the sons of Emilie and Hugh. One of the sons asked: Why can’t you both work on Africa? Willy had a fit, flew at this son for daring to make such a suggestion. Because rhinos, elephants, that’s mine! It was all so obvious. He cared less about finding his purpose or passion than about winning his lifelong competition with me. Over several more heated discussions, it emerged that Willy, when I’d gone to the North Pole, had sadly been resentful. He’d felt slighted that he hadn’t been the one invited. At the same time he also said that he’d stepped aside, gallantly, that he’d permitted me to go, indeed that he’d permitted all my work with wounded soldiers. I let you have veterans, why can’t you let me have African elephants and rhinos? I complained to Teej and Mike that I’d finally seen my path, that I’d finally hit upon the thing that could fill the hole in my heart left by soldiering.
W jealous over beard (see entry under therapy). then I explained it to my brother and he … bristled? Not the done thing, he said. Military, rules, so forth. I gave him a quick history lesson. I mentioned the many royals who’d been bearded and uniformed. King Edward VII. King George V. Prince Albert. More recently, Prince Michael of Kent. Helpfully I referred him to Google Images. Not the same, he said. When I informed him that his opinion didn’t really matter, since I’d already gone to Granny and got the green light, he became livid. He raised his voice. You went to ask her! Yes. And what did Granny say? She said keep the beard. You put her in an uncomfortable position, Harold! She had no choice but to say yes. No choice? She’s the Queen! If she didn’t want me to have a beard I think she can speak for herself. But Willy always thought Granny had a soft spot for me, that she indulged me while holding him to an impossibly high standard. Because … Heir, Spare, etc. It irked him. The argument went on, in person, on the phone, for more than a week. He wouldn’t let it go. At one point he actually ordered me, as the Heir speaking to the Spare, to shave. Are you serious? I’m telling you, shave it off. For the love of God, Willy, why does this matter so much to you? Because I wasn’t allowed to keep my beard. Ah – there it was... He hated the idea of me enjoying a perk he was denied. I suspected it brought back bad memories of being told he couldn't marry in the uniform of his choice.... I feared if I got took drunk and passed out, Willy and his mates would hold me down and shave me. In fact Willy told me, explicitly, in all seriousness, that this was his plan.
​

Anxiety/trauma/angememory issues

https://imgur.com/a/hqpT1MF
Therapy. Yes, I’ve already lost my mum, of course, but I’m afraid that by talking about her, now, here, to a perfect stranger, and perhaps alleviating some of the pain of that loss, I’ll be losing her again. I’ll be losing that feeling, that presence of her – or what I’ve always felt as her presence. The therapist squinted. I tried again. You see … the pain … if that’s what it is … that’s all I have left of her. And the pain is also what drives me. Some days the pain is the only thing holding me together. And also, I suppose, without the pain, well, she might think … I’ve forgotten her.
I gave the therapist an overview of how this dehumanization had played out in the first half of my life. But now, with the dehumanizing of Meg, there was so much more hate, more vitriol – plus racism.
Well, I am rather surprised you’re not a drug addict. If there was one thing to which I did seem undeniably addicted, however, it was the press. Reading it, raging at it, she said, these were obvious compulsions.
Complicit. They (W / K) deserve to have their baby in peace, I said. I admitted that my father had begged me to stop thinking about the press, to not read the papers. I admitted that I felt guilty every time I did, because it made me complicit.
Unlocked memories after therapy. Willy and I were strapped into our seats, so we couldn’t look out of the back window, but we had a sense of what was chasing us. Paps on motorbikes and mopeds. Are they going to kill us, Mummy? Are we going to die? Mummy, wearing big sunglasses, peering into the mirrors. After fifteen minutes and several near smashes Mummy slammed on the brakes, pulled over, jumped out and walked towards the paps: Leave us alone! For God’s sake, I’m with my children, can’t you leave us alone? Trembling, pink-cheeked, she got back into the car, slammed the door, rolled up the windows, leaned her head on the steering wheel and wept while the paps kept clicking and clicking. I remembered the tears falling from her big sunglasses and I remembered Willy looking frozen, like a statue, and I remembered the paps just firing and firing and firing, and I remembered feeling such hatred for them and such deep and eternal love for everyone in that car.
Beard (William later gets pissed at H over him being allowed to have a beard). And yet I now dared to make another ask: Granny, please, may I, for my wedding, keep my beard? Not a small ask either. A beard was thought by some to be a clear violation of protocol and long-standing norms, especially since I was getting married in my Army uniform. Beards were forbidden in the British Army. But I was no longer in the Army and I desperately wanted to hang on to something that had become an effective check on my anxiety.
​

Cringe/overshare/snark

https://imgur.com/a/kSl4dUC
​

Harry

I was brought into the world in case something happened to Willy. I was summoned to provide back-up, distraction, diversion and, if necessary, a spare part. Kidney, perhaps. Blood transfusion. Speck of bone marrow. This was all made explicitly clear to me from the start of life’s journey and regularly reinforced thereafter. I was twenty the first time I heard the story of what Pa allegedly said to Mummy the day of my birth: Wonderful! Now you’ve given me an Heir and a Spare – my work is done. A joke. Presumably. On the other hand, minutes after delivering this bit of high comedy, Pa was said to have gone off to meet his girlfriend. So. Many a true word spoken in jest.
But another part of me felt hugely ambitious. People assumed that the Spare wouldn’t or shouldn’t have any ambition.
Aware of his station. All reactions to me had nothing to do with me. They were down to my family, my title, and consequently they always embarrassed me, because they were so unearned.
Pulled out again due to new threats. I think it was about one a.m. when I heard several people talking about Red Fox. Zero Alpha, the officer in command, was telling someone that Red Fox this and Red Fox that … I jotted a few notes, but stopped writing and looked up at the stars when I heard them mention … C Squadron. The voices were saying that this Red Fox was in trouble, no doubt about it. I made out that Red Fox was a person. Had he done something wrong? No. Were others planning to do him wrong? Yes. Judging from the tone of the voices, Red Fox was about to be murdered. I swallowed a mouthful of hot chocolate and blinked at the radio and knew with total certainty that Red Fox was me.... I felt angry with myself for having been so self-absorbed [being sad about being pulled out of mission]. I spent the rest of that flight thinking about the many young men and women going home in similar shape, and all the ones not going home at all. I thought about the people at home who didn’t know the first thing about this war – by choice. Many opposed it, but few knew a damned thing about it. I wondered why. Whose job was it to tell them? Oh, yes, I thought. The press.
Home again. I think Willy hugged me. I think I gave Pa a kiss on each cheek. He might also have … squeezed my shoulder? It would’ve appeared, to anyone at a distance, a normal family greeting and interaction, but for us it was a flamboyant, unprecedented demonstration of physical affection.
Chelsy. Teej asked point-blank if I could see myself married to Chels. I tried to explain. I cherished Chels’s carefree and authentic spirit. She never worried about what other people thought. She wore short skirts and high boots, danced with abandon, drank as much tequila as I did, and I cherished all those things about her … but I couldn’t help worrying how Granny might feel about them. Or the British public. And the last thing I wanted was for Chels to change to accommodate them.
Racism. I said: Ah, our little Paki friend … I didn’t know that “Paki” was a slur. Growing up, I’d heard many people use that word and never saw anyone flinch or cringe, never suspected them of being racist. Neither did I know anything about unconscious bias. I was twenty-one, awash in isolation and privilege, and if I thought anything about this word at all, I thought it was like Aussie. Harmless.... My father’s office issued an apology on my behalf. I wanted to issue one as well, but courtiers advised against it. Not the best strategy, sir. To hell with strategy. I didn’t care about strategy. I cared about people not thinking I was a racist. I cared about not being a racist. Above all, I cared about Ahmed. I connected with him directly, apologized. He said he knew I wasn’t a racist. No big deal. But it was. And his forgiveness, his easy grace, only made me feel worse.
In a direct continuation of conversations he and I had begun five years earlier, after my Nazi debacle, he’d organized a trip to Berlin. And so. December 2010. A bitterly cold day. I put my fingertips to the bullet holes in the city’s walls, the still-fresh scars from Hitler’s insane vow to fight to the last man. I stood at the former site of the Berlin Wall, which had also been the site of SS torture chambers, and swore I could hear the echoes of agonized screams on the wind. I met a woman who’d been sent to Auschwitz. She described her confinement, the horrors she saw, heard, smelt. Her stories were as difficult to hear as they were vital. But I won’t retell them. They’re not mine to retell. I’d long understood that the photo of me in a Nazi uniform had been the result of various failures – failure of thinking, failure of character. But it had also been a failure of education. Not just school education, but self-education. I hadn’t known enough about the Nazis, hadn’t taught myself enough, hadn’t asked enough questions of teachers and families and survivors. I’d resolved to change that. I couldn’t become the person I hoped to be until I changed that.
Admits his academic weaknesses. You’re going to fly Apaches. But— I can tell from the way you fly, the way you read the ground, this is what you were meant to do. Meant to do? The course was torture! And yet I was on time every day. I showed up with my three-ring binders full of info about the Apache engines, and listened to the lectures, and fought like crazy to keep up.
H loves nature, kids and the army. This unreal moment when the line between me and the external world grew blurry or disappeared outright. Everything, for one half second, was one. Everything made sense. Try to remember, I thought, how it felt to be that close to the truth, the real truth: That life isn’t all good, but it isn’t all bad either. Try to remember how it felt, finally, to understand what Mike had been trying to say. Shine a light.
for two hours through mountain passes just to learn maths, reading, writing. Such was their hunger to learn. They braved sore feet, bitter cold – and far worse. They were so vulnerable on the road, so exposed to the elements, several had died from lightning strikes. Many had been attacked by stray dogs. They dropped their voices and told us that many had also been sexually abused by wanderers, rustlers, nomads and other boys. I felt ashamed to think of all my bitching about school. About anything.
Found out W's engagement through the press / the ring. the Palace announced that Willy was going to marry. November 2010. News to me. All that time together in Lesotho, he’d never mentioned it. The papers published florid stories about the moment I realized Willy and Kate were well matched, the moment I appreciated the depth of their love and thus decided to gift Willy the ring I’d inherited from Mummy, the legendary sapphire, a tender moment between brothers, a bonding moment for all three of us, and absolute rubbish: none of it ever happened. I never gave Willy that ring because it wasn’t mine to give. He already had it. He’d asked for it after Mummy died, and I’d been more than happy to let it go.
Being single. I’d always assumed I’d be the first to be married, because I’d wanted it so badly. I’d always assumed that I’d be a young husband, a young father, because I’d resolved not to become my father. He’d been an older dad, and I’d always felt that this created problems, placed barriers between us. In his middle years he’d become more sedentary, more habitual. He liked his routines. He wasn’t the kind of father who played endless rounds of tag, or tossed a ball until long after dark. He’d been so once... But, long before we were ready, he stopped engaging in that kind of physical fun. He just didn’t have the enthusiasm – the puff.
His bodyguards and staff seem to be loyal and were genuinely happy for him when he left the RF.
His friend got mugged while they were on the phone and he drove over to help.
He dislikes his neighbor, one of the RF staff. I wrote him a note, politely asking if he might perhaps pull his car forward a few inches. He fired back a reply telling me to suck eggs. Then he went to Granny and asked her to tell me the same.... Every day Mrs R parked her car in Mummy’s old spot. I can still see her gliding into that space, right where my mother’s green BMW used to be. It was wrong of me, and I knew it was wrong, but on some level I condemned Mrs R for it.
Cressida helped H open up, but NOT get therapy as Palace Papers claim. Whatever the reason or combination of reasons, I answered her, straight-out, and then started to cry. I remember thinking: Oh, I’m crying. And saying to her: This is the first time I’ve … Cressida leaned towards me: What do you mean … first time? This is the first time I’ve been able to cry about my mum since the burial.
Chores/Money. Besides my own laundry (often laid out to dry on my radiators) I did my own chores, my own cooking, my own food shopping... Each year I received from Pa an official clothing allowance, but that was strictly for formal wear. Suits and ties, ceremonial outfits. For my everyday casual clothes I’d go to T.K. Maxx, the discount store. I was particularly fond of their once-a-year sale, when they’d be flush with items from Gap or J.Crew, items that had just gone out of season or were slightly damaged. If you timed it just right, got there on the first day of the sale, you could snag the same clothes that others were paying top prices for down the high street! With two hundred quid you could look like a fashion plate.
A poignant quote: My life all at once felt like an endless series of permission requests, all of them a prelude to this one (asking permission from RF to marry M).
On the Queen. Did she realize that, no matter how much I loved her, I was often nervous in her presence?)
He feels 3 of the higher ups working for the Queen take advantage of her old age by using her position to exercise their own soft power. He calls them the wasp, bee, and fly. I think thrice they promise to get back to him re: H/M wanting to put out a statement and sue the tabloids, and they never get back to them. Then they lie to the Queen and tell the Queen H never reached out to them. https://imgur.com/a/wKcRBTO
Alludes to William gaslighting him. https://imgur.com/a/XKGFz7Q

Meghan

It seems to be love at first sight and an instant connection. For thirty-two years I’d watched a conveyor-belt of faces pass by and only a handful ever made me look twice. This woman stopped the conveyor-belt. This woman smashed the conveyor-belt to bits. I’d never seen anyone so beautiful.
I suggested my place. Your place? On a first date! I don’t think so. No, I didn’t mean it like that. She didn’t realize that being royal meant being radioactive, that I was unable to just meet at a coffee shop or pub. Reluctant to give her a full explanation, I tried to explain obliquely about the risk of being seen.
there were firm rules about relationships, at least when it came to royalty, and the main one was that you absolutely must date a woman for three years before taking the plunge. How else could you know about her? How else could she know about you – and your royal life? How else could both of you be sure that this was what you wanted, that it was a thing you could endure together? It wasn’t for everybody. But Meg seemed the shining exception to this rule. All rules. I knew her straightaway, and she knew me.
M's well-discussed naiveté. As we inched towards the restaurant I texted again: Moving, but still slow. M: Can’t you just get out? How to explain? No, I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to go running through the streets of London.
I felt pretty sure she hadn’t googled me, because she was always asking questions. She seemed to know almost nothing – so refreshing.
Camilla asked how Meg took her tea, dark or light, and Meg apologized for not knowing. I thought tea was tea. This sparked a rollicking discussion about tea,
Curtsey. Do you know how to curtsey? Meg shook her head. Fergie demonstrated once. Meg imitated her. There wasn’t time for a more advanced tutorial. We couldn’t keep Granny waiting. As we walked towards the door Fergie and I both leaned into Meg, whispering quick reminders. When you first meet the Queen it’s Your Majesty. Thereafter it’s just Ma’am. Rhymes with ham. Just, whatever you do, don’t talk over her, we both said, talking over each other.
Euge and Jack were near Granny and they almost seemed to pretend not to know Meg....Everyone flooded into the room after she’d driven away. The whole vibe changed. Euge and Jack were their old selves, and someone suggested drinks... After a moment Meg asked me something about the Queen’s assistant. I asked who she was talking about. That man holding the purse. That man who walked her to the door. That wasn’t her assistant. Who was it? That was her second son. Andrew. She definitely hadn’t googled us.
W/K. Then Willy turned to me and said: Fuck off! What? No way. Sorry? Impossible! I was baffled, until Willy and Kate explained that they were regular – nay, religious – viewers of Suits.
and I confessed, for the umpteenth time, that this had long been my dream – to join them with an equal partner. To become a foursome. I’d said this to Willy so many times, and he’d always replied: It might not happen, Harold! And you’ve got to be OK with that. Well, now I felt that it was going to happen, and I told him so – but he still said to slow down. She’s an American actress after all, Harold. Anything might happen. I nodded, a bit hurt. Then hugged him and Kate and left.
I introduced Meg, who leaned in and gave him a hug, which completely freaked him out. He recoiled. Willy didn’t hug many strangers. Whereas Meg hugged most strangers. that. Maybe Willy expected Meg to curtsey? It would’ve been protocol when meeting a member of the Royal Family for the first time, but she didn’t know, and I didn’t tell her. When meeting my grandmother, I’d made it clear – this is the Queen. But when meeting my brother, it was just Willy, who loved Suits. Whatever, Willy got over it.
He said he thought Mummy was here. Meaning … among us. Yes, me too, Willy. I think she’s been in my life, Harold. Guiding me. Setting things up for me. I think she’s helped me start a family. And I feel as though she’s helping you now too. I nodded. Totally agree. I feel as though she helped me find Meg. Willy took a step back. He looked concerned. That seemed to be taking things a bit far. Well, now, Harold, I’m not sure about that. I wouldn’t say THAT!
In fact, he’d actually been pretty discouraging about my even dating Meg.
He seemed to like Meg, despite his oft-cited concerns. Kate seemed to like her too.
I told him we were thinking of Westminster Abbey. No good. We did it there. Right, right. St Paul’s? Too grand. Plus Pa and Mummy did it there. Hm. Yes. Good point.
Lipgloss. Afterwards, one journalist dubbed us the Fab Four. Here we go, I thought hopefully. Days later, controversy. Something about Meg showing support for #metoo, and Kate not showing support – via their outfits? I think that was the gist, though who can say? It wasn’t real. But I think it had Kate on edge, while putting her and everyone else on notice that she was now going to be compared to, and forced to compete with, Meg. All this came on the heels of an awkward moment backstage. Meg asked to borrow Kate’s lip gloss. An American thing. Meg forgot hers, worried she needed some, and turned to Kate for help. Kate, taken aback, went into her handbag and reluctantly pulled out a small tube. Meg squeezed some onto her finger and applied it to her lips. Kate grimaced. Small clash of styles, maybe? Something we should’ve been able to laugh about soon after. But it left a little mark. And then the press sensed something was up and tried to turn it into something bigger.
RF forcing Suits to change M's storyline. On the other hand life there had become untenable. Especially on set. The show writers were frustrated, because they were often advised by the Palace comms team to change lines of dialogue, what her character would do, how she would act. She’d also shut down her website and abandoned all social media, again at the behest of the Palace comms team. She’d said goodbye to her friends, goodbye to her car, goodbye to one of her dogs – Bogart. He’d been so traumatized by the siege of her house, by the constant ringing of the doorbell, that his demeanour changed when Meg was around. He’d become an aggressive guard dog. Meg’s neighbours had graciously agreed to adopt him.
M / H first fight leads her to push him to retry therapy. We both knew my anger hadn’t been caused by anything to do with our conversation. It came from somewhere deep inside, somewhere that needed to be excavated, and it was obvious that I could use some help with the job. I’ve tried therapy, I told her. Willy told me to go. Never found the right person. Didn’t work. No, she said softly. Try again.
Do not take a photo in front of the Taj Mahal. She’d asked why and I’d said: My mum. I’d explained that my mother had posed for a photo there, and it had become iconic, and I didn’t want anyone thinking Meg was trying to mimic my mother. Meg had never heard of this photo, and found the whole thing baffling, and I loved her for being baffled.
the British press slammed Meg for wearing ripped jeans. No one mentioned that everything she wore, down to the flats and button-down shirt, had been pre-approved by the Palace. And by “no one”, I mean not anyone at the Palace. One statement, that week, in defence of Meg … it might’ve made a world of difference.
Tiara. https://imgur.com/a/RnZbyrh
Police informed H/M they were now the prized target for terrorists.
Dad.https://imgur.com/a/tnQfWdY
Charlotte crying was due to the dress not fitting. https://imgur.com/a/zJsaU8c
Babybrain comment from Meghan + William avoiding H + Palace setting M up to fail. https://imgur.com/a/KQJNysx
William blames Meg for the stress on their staff due to tabloids. https://imgur.com/7l126pN
The Queen suggested the letter to M's dad after M asked her for advice.
Tabloid attacks on M, with press spinning story on Kate making M cry. All four (K/W/H/M) realizing that it was Camilla who leaked their private conversations to the press. https://imgur.com/a/DRqVPyH
Rising tensions over continuing negative coverage on M and palace's supposed inaction. https://imgur.com/a/JhSfXpx
M bullying allegations + H/W fighting physically + W yelling. https://imgur.com/a/tiCDjpq
Megxit. https://imgur.com/a/s0HvYOH
Andrew https://imgur.com/a/vgfPCnj
Harry's bodyguards pleading to stay until he finds new security + harry's ex gf Caroline commits suicide allegedly due to the tabloids. https://imgur.com/a/1z6K87r
Money https://imgur.com/a/YO8AlkI
The Sun defending the leaking of M's letter + miscarriage.https://imgur.com/a/cJ5oeEC
Remembrance day. https://imgur.com/a/GTVwY7b
H claiming Charles is emotionally and economically dependent on the media's positive coverage. He also explains their Oprah interview. https://imgur.com/a/ZI3iKtC
The book ends in an epilogue where H reveals he still regularly talks with the Queen, and he talked to her 4 days before she passed. Then he makes a little tribute to her as a monarch and granny: I felt a deep kinship with them all. Our country. Our queen.

Tabloids/Palace (The most salient parts of the book imo)

https://imgur.com/a/lXpZit3
Link above covers:
Harry at 14.
Virginity entry in relation to H being blackmailed by News of the World.
Cheating accussations at 18.
Coward accusations.
Pap sneaking into military training center.
After H's army tour is stopped due to threats.
Stalking/trespassing.
W and H wanted to reopen their mom's case to prosecute the paps.
Chelsy.
Caroline Flack.
Florence/Flea.
News of World hacking scandal.
After they got found not guilty.
Paps earning a lot of money.
Taliban.
Vegas.
Cameron Diaz.
William.
Meghan.
Tabloids accusing her of cheating.
More tabloid articles causing H to make a statement.
M shopping and being harassed.
Doria.
Death threats.
Wedding.

SOME TRIGGECONTEXT WARNINGS IF YOU WISH: naming of mental illnesses and drugs/substances by name, description of multiple drug use/abuse cycle, familial & domestic abuse, incest, child abuse, homelessness, eating disordebody dysmorphia, gun violence/witnessing death
• • •
This is a long story that starts before I was born and I am now 33. It’s ultimately about my recent realization that I have an unmanageable addiction and need help. But it’s also a short autobiography about diagnoses, attempts at getting help, genetics, brain misfirings, traumas, early “benign” addictions that all pointed to where I have ended up - all the tiny stones I stepped on that led me to this terrible, dark cave of addiction. I think it’s important to look at addiction holistically, which includes the environments, choices, and inevitabilities that led us here. I’ve started by being open about my diagnoses and various traumas, then it’s basically an excessively long chronology of the progression of my addictive personality. Ending with my realization last week that I need some fucking help getting off of this roller coaster that is going to kill me and ruin the ones I love.
Soooo…buckle up? You’re a champ if you read all of this personal bullshit.
A glimpse of little me: I was a happy, gifted, fiercely intelligent child. Learning was the reason for life to me. I had too much empathy and emotion for my own good. Everyone was owed kindness and respect. I had 70 dreams and fully intended to fulfill them all. I was an optimist, and people were basically good and deserving of fifth chances. Through all the trauma, I remained this way until I was 19 years old.
With that “before” picture out of the way, here are my professional diagnoses & family history. I have PTSD (CPTSD if it existed in the DSM yet), MDD, GAD, panic disorder, ADHD, and OSFED. Diagnosed with acute (passing) psychosis twice. Two suicide attempts with subsequent hospitalization. My mother is an addict and has ADHD, PTSD, and bipolar 1. My bio dad is an addict and has MDD, PTSD, and severe anger issues. My brother is an addict and has MDD, GAD, and BPD. One grandmother has severe GAD. I have a schizophrenic cousin, but I haven’t seen signs in myself yet b”H.
Major traumas: I experienced severe sexual abuse/incest and neglect for the first 6 years of my life, then verbal/emotional abuse/neglect from 11-17. I also became homeless during that latter time due to my bio dad’s drug/alcohol use, and experienced another incident of incest. I had a 4 year long emotionally/verbally abusive relationship through college. In 2019, a woman was shot directly in front of my house and I was the first on the scene. I held her hand, talked to her, and maintained eye contact as she died before the ambulance arrived.
What I’m doing about it: I’ve been in therapy weekly since I was six, and have been doing EMDR (an effective PTSD treatment) for 3 years now. I have journaled daily my whole life, read (scientifically-backed) self help books, connect with others with similar experiences, and I have seen a psychiatrist for 10 years (I am on 7 medications and still haven’t found the right ones/combo). I am getting the results of a gene test for psych meds back soon, and considering physican-administered TMS/ketamine therapy. Currently just lurking in addiction subs/forums and on addiction TikTok, but today I am choosing to tell the truth and tomorrow I’ll be attending my first meeting.
So, that’s the context of my baseline mental health without addiction in the picture. Let’s dive into that hellhole now.
I come from a family of addicts in generations of abject poverty. I don’t mean just my parents and brother - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, both maternal and paternal. The vast majority of the generations older than my parents are/were alcoholics primarily, excepting my grandma who preferred barbiturates. My only uncle is opportunistic and will do whatever, but prefers psychedelics. Weed for everyone, when opportunity presents itself.
My parents were a slightly different story. Bio dad’s DOCs are alcohol (24 bottles a day + liquor), weed, cocaine, shrooms, meth here and there. Mom’s DOCs were (she’s in recovery) weed, crack, cocaine. She tried meth but hated it. They both dabbled here and there with other things, but those were the big addictions and those were the things that ruined our entire family’s lives.
From Kindergarten, I was acutely aware of the difference between my sober family and my intoxicated family. Between my family and my friends’ families. It was uncomfortable, dysphoric, I didn’t like it. I resented that their addictions caused me to be responsible for not only my own schoolwork, but also the housework, pets, dinners and breakfasts, and solely parenting my brother 4 years younger than me. I told myself early in life that I would never touch a substance like that - I would never want to look or act the way my family did. It was embarrassing and undignified and I made it my mission to distance myself from the culture of my family.
Fast forward a bit, and I am 12. I wear baggy clothes, but they never hide my abnormally large-for-my-age breasts (D cup at that point) or obviously female hips. It’s 2001, so all the popular girls and the ones in the media have flat chests and stomachs, pencil-thin arms and legs. No muffin tops or bra overflow if they tried. No back rolls. I didn’t understand why I didn’t look like that. I cried every time I saw myself in the mirror or got dressed.
Around that time, I had a Xanga blog that I used as a diary to share with my friends. Millennials around my age with body image issues - I know you know where this is going lol. One fateful day, I discovered something called thinspo. I had never been so envious in my life, I didn’t know it was possible to be that thin. These women were absolutely flawless to me. It didn’t take long before I was active in the pro-ana/mia communities and writing down lists of tips and tricks in my journal.
One poster said that since food is used for energy, and you feel tired when you restrict, you should drink a strong coffee each time you feel hunger. My bio dad was a heavy coffee drinker, so that one was doable. Within weeks, I was brewing myself a full pot with three times the grounds called for, dumping it into two large travel mugs, and carrying them to school. I spent all day every day sipping espresso-level black coffee. When lunch came around and I was forced to eat to keep up appearances, I would pick the foods I craved the most and eat them voraciously. Then I’d guzzle water and excuse myself to the bathroom, etc etc. I saw The Devil Wears Prada and heard that one line from Emily and followed it religiously - “If I feel like I may pass out, I simply eat a cube of cheese.” That still pops into my head sometimes. It got to the point where if I skipped coffee, I had blinding migraines two hours later. I drank that much until 2013, after I left a Starbucks job. Managed to cut down to 3 a day, then 2. At this point I only have one if I need an afternoon pick me up.
In hindsight - my first addiction was caffeine. My second was the control and power of an eating disorder.
Fast forward again. In high school, the most I ever did was get drunk with friends 2 or 3 times. I decided I hated the way it made me feel, and still don’t ever have more than one social drink tops. Dodged that particular bullet, however much that’s worth.
Jump to the week after I graduate high school. Senior year, I had fallen in love with a very manipulative, cruel girl that I was convinced was the one. She ended up destroying my sense of self, reality, and autonomy - but that’s a separate story for a separate sub. She let me move in with her at her parents house as soon as school finished. The relationship was disgusting from the start, but I didn’t know better and I was afraid to be alone. She was a year younger than me, so she still had to go to high school during the week.
This is when my third addiction began - TV and the internet. I didn’t get into the only college I could afford to apply to, so I lost almost a year and a half laying in my girlfriend’s bed with the blinds closed, mindlessly watching garbage television for about 15 hours a day. I stopped showering. I started overeating and gained a truly astonished amount of weight in just a few months - because I was eating massive amounts of trash and not moving for days at a time. When I did leave the house, I thought about the shows I was watching the whole time. It was bad. Luckily, when my girlfriend graduated and I finally got into the school I wanted (the same one she was attending), we decided to move the 1.5 hours away together.
In our new apartment, I quickly fell into a depression. In hindsight, it was a trauma thing - not only was I in my own peaceful space that I had control over, but also my asshole girlfriend was ruining the glow of it. I’d somehow made it those 19 years without mental health symptoms, so that episode knocked me on my ass. I’d never felt so low and hopeless and heavy.
We’d have friends over most weekends and they’d all smoke some weed and then goof around and play games. I always sat with them, and for the first time it looked kind of fun and happy rather than the resentful, neglected association I had with it. I was offered a hit. I thought about my parents. About how I hated that they ignored me when they were high. And then I thought about the deep pit in my chest telling me to kill myself, versus how happy and child-like all my friends seemed. I grabbed the bowl and it was immediate, passionate love. My girlfriend was thrilled I liked it so we started buying our own. Within four months I had failed out of college. I was unemployed with no experience. I stopped reading, writing, singing, painting, studying French - all my passions previously. I spent my days either high as balls on a dirty futon watching Jackass movies on a loop, or high as balls laying in a dark room with my eyes closed and music up attempting to astrally project. All while ignoring the moldy pile of dishes in my sink and the family of mice in my closet.
I was 19 when that happened. I did not go one day without being high - at least at night, but frequently all day - until I spent a week in Mexico THIS February. I spent my 23rd year in a shed behind my best friend’s house hitting GBs like we were in the 19th grade. We’d go to coinstar for money to re-up. All this time I thought it was a medicine that was helping me with all sorts of things, when it’s become apparent (after a week of absolute mental stability and decent sleep away from it) that was no longer the case. It’s making my conditions worse and affecting my ability to eat without it. Fourth addiction - cannabis.
Fifth addiction - benzodiazepines. In that 19-25 window, I developed severe panic attacks. I’ve had anxiety my whole life - my body essentially exists in flight or freeze mode - but it had never hit me that hard. A friend gave me one of her Klonopin and that was that - I experienced existing without anxiety for the first time in my ENTIRE life. I was on top of the world, convinced it was a miracle drug. I got a prescription from my psych and took it as prescribed for a year or so - it allowed me to socialize, sit still with my thoughts, be spontaneous, avoid obsessive thought loops. I honestly was thriving for a moment there. And then…how the story goes…I hit tolerance. My doc refused to increase the dose but I was so constantly anxious I was considering suicide again. So, I upped the dose myself. When that first high dose kicked in, I remember thinking, “Oh fuck yeah, thank you.” The script was 30 PRN per month, and I ended up going weeks without from dosing higher. Then anxiety would rebound. Then I filled the script again. Etc etc for nearly 3 years. At my worst, I was at 9mg Klonopin a day for a week at a time. I did the dumbest possible thing after reading about benzo withdrawal syndrome and flushed all my meds, and told my doc I’d been feeling better so we could skip filling the next one (didn’t mention the abuse, of course). I don’t know what noble I did in a past life or whatever, but I somehow did not have a seizure, tremors, aggression, or psychosis. I fully recognize how lucky I am and what an anomaly that was. I just told my psych my anxiety was worse again and asked for a non benzo so I wouldn’t be tired, and Prozac did the trick for a bit.
Fast forward again! My therapist one day notes to me that I can never stop fidgeting during our sessions, which she assumed was anxiety. But she also started to notice me losing my train of thought mid sentence, becoming obsessively focused on hobbies or interests or people, and regularly forgetting appointments despite being on my calendar and having reminder emails/alarms. She suggested I get tested for ADHD. Saw a psychologist for 5 hours straight two days in a row. She determined I have severe ADHD, PTSD, and OSFED, but she believed the depression and anxiety stemmed from untreated ADHD.
I meet with my psych a week later and send her the report. She glances over it and says, “Sounds good! Do you want to try Adderall or Ritalin first? They’re basically the same.” I was a bit taken aback by the choice, but arbitrarily said Adderall because I knew nothing about stimulants. She started me on 10 IR in the morning, and when I felt nothing bumped me straight to 20 IR twice a day.
When I tell you I sobbed for hours the first day I took those…my physical and mental anxiety disappeared. My body relaxed. My mood went from “wanna die but don’t wanna hurt wife” to “I am capable of getting my life in control and being a good person who does good things.” My depression dissipated. My thoughts slowed down, and I was able to follow one at a time without a thousand others shouting to be loudest. I felt like I had just been born, like this is how I was always meant to be. I started really throwing myself into being creative and proactive at work (I’m a nanny, so that means expending tons of energy + fun cleanup). Cleaning/organizing the shit out of my house (my wife was starting to resent my inability to get over the executive dysfunction. Taking my dog on hour-long walks when I got home. Joining a women’s choir. Reaching out to old friends to reconnect, and actually going to see them. Got really into hobbies again - painting & illustration, poetry, reading, guitar, hikes, friends & family. Even applied to my local community college to start finishing my degree. I was on top of the world, I felt better than ever, and I felt that I had finally unlocked the secret to being a functional adult.
Well. I don’t have to explain what happened next, you guys know how it goes. As soon as the initial euphoria faded, I was redosing. When that stopped working, I increased the dose. First it was a month’s worth in 3 weeks, then 2, then 1.
Then my psych left unexpectedly. The practice assigned me to someone else - graduated less than a year ago from a nursing degree mill and also practices real estate. It’s her first job. She decides she dislikes that I have my medical cannabis card and that I’m on too many meds (7 not counting the controlled ones, on which I’d been stable for YEARS). She takes one away, drops the doses on three, and changes the formulation for one. Oh, and adds trazodone even though I told her my most debilitating symptom is fatigue/lethargy. I left that appointment and immediately made one with a different practice. That was two months away, and I was about to leave for a week in Mexico.
When I was on vacation in Mexico and didn’t have either Adderall or Klonopin, I was shocked at how okay I was. I think it was mostly being in an exciting beautiful place away from my problems, but a few days in and I was like “I got this.. I’ll quit.” Two days before we headed home, I started to panic about both the plane rides without Klonopin and returning to work without Adderall. Klonopin is prescription only in that country, and they don’t sell Adderall period. I did some internet digging and ended up buying two boxes of pregabalin to replace one, and four boxes of Modafinil & Armodafinil to replace the other. Smuggled that shit through five airports like a damn idiot.
I took that pregabalin for a week. Decided it was shit, got rid of it. The modafinil lasted about a month. No euphoria or mood/focus improvement, but it kept me awake enough to actually function and not look like a zombie. I ordered more online “just as backup for when I’ve slept badly”. Keep in mind, I wasn’t taking a higher than suggested dose - just using it for unhealthy reasons.
I see my new psych, the one I found after dumping the real estate agent. In our first appointment I told her I wasn’t doing well and she said, “Let’s get you back on those stimulants, huh?” It was as if something took over the controls in my brain and my mouth moved without my consent - “Yes, please. I function better than I have in my adult life when my ADHD is treated.”
That happened on 3/18/22. As of today, 4/8/22, I have one Adderall left. Between then and now, I have spent two days up followed by 15 hours sleeping then repeat, ignored/avoided everyone who has tried to contact me, called out of work five times, have had countless panic attacks, clenched my jaw so hard I can’t relax it and I chipped a tooth, followed obsessive/jealous/hypochondriac thought loops for hours and hours, dissociated on the sofa for big parts of many days, became delusional and started running/hiding from everyone in my house but my wife, thought my wife was cheating but didn’t say anything about it b”H, forgot to drink anything for 3 days and got a salivary gland infection, got multiple canker sores and peeling lips, and felt truly suicidal for the first time in many years. I take days off of Adderall and always cave and take an AModafinil because I don’t feel I can withstand the exhaustion.
I’m set to pick up an early script this Monday because it’s a brand that works better for me. My psych asked if I was okay with that decision and I fucking said “Yeah, thanks for solving the problem!” I told her I’d flush the rest of the “bad” script. I know I need to, but I haven’t yet.
I know I need to tell her what’s happening, but I haven’t yet. I know I need to tell my therapist, but I haven’t yet. I know I need to tell my wife, mother, step father, brother, rabbi, friends. But I haven’t yet.
I know that feeling I got during the honeymoon will never come back. Why is my brain lying to me and saying it will be there? I know I need to stop before I literally kill myself. Why is my brain saying I have the willpower to take it as prescribed only? I know I need to fess up to my doctors. Why am I afraid of never being trusted again, or having access to medical cannabis (which I need to quit for a while anyway)? I know I need to tell my empathetic, intelligent, compassionate wife. Why I am I DEATHLY afraid of causing her - a grown woman - disappointment?
I know all the things I need to do, rationally. Something hijacks my brain each month and tells me horrible lies and I fucking listen to it like a naive asshole. If I’m being fully honest, I don’t want to stop. Or I’m just afraid to stop because I was useless before I took them. But again, I know they don’t work anymore. I know I am about three feet away from a bad psychotic episode. I need to fucking stop and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Not even my addict friends will listen because I’ve ignored them for months.
If you’ve gotten to the end, I commend your attention span. Thank you so much for hearing my story. I’ve told some people little bits and pieces, but I’ve never laid it all out together like this. Writing this was really cathartic. Any encouragement, empathy, or advice is most welcome <3

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22357.Introduction to General Medical Conditions – eBook
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22361.C++ for Everyone (2nd Edition) – eBook
22362.Album (4th Edition) – eBook
22363.Concise Guide to Object-Oriented Programming: An Accessible Approach Using Java – eBook
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22365.Davis Advantage for Pathophysiology: Introductory Concepts and Clinical Perspectives (2nd Edition) – eBook
22366.Basic College Mathematics: A Text/Workbook (3rd Edition) – eBook
22367.Cultural Anthropology: A Toolkit for a Global Age (3rd Edition) – eBook
22368.Empirical Nursing: The Art of Evidence-Based Care – eBook
22369.Surface Production Operations: Pumps and Compressors (Volume IV) – eBook
22370.Surface Production Operations: Facility Piping and Pipeline Systems-Volume III – eBook
22371.Surface Production Operations: Design of Gas-Handling Systems and Facilities-Volume 2 (3rd Edition) – eBook
22372.Davis Advantage for Pathophysiology: Introductory Concepts and Clinical Perspectives (2nd Edition) – eBook
22373.Basic College Mathematics: A Text/Workbook (3rd Edition) – eBook
22374.Cultural Anthropology: A Toolkit for a Global Age (3rd Edition) – eBook
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22377.Surface Production Operations: Facility Piping and Pipeline Systems-Volume III – eBook
22378.Surface Production Operations: Design of Gas-Handling Systems and Facilities-Volume 2 (3rd Edition) – eBook
22379.Fundamentals of Children’s Anatomy and Physiology: A Textbook for Nursing and Healthcare Students – eBook
22380.Producing Safe Eggs: Microbial Ecology of Salmonella – eBook
22381.Quantitative Microbiology in Food Processing: Modeling the Microbial Ecology – eBook
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22386.Reinforced Concrete: Design, Performance and Applications – eBook
22387.New Approaches to Gear Design and Production – eBook
22388.Induction Machines Handbook: Steady State Modeling and Performance (3rd Edition) – eBook
22389.Fatigue Design: Life Expectancy of Machine Parts – eBook
22390.Analysis and Design of Machine Elements – eBook
22391.Climate Change and the Future of Democracy – eBook
22392.Challenges to Representative Democracy: A European Perspective – eBook
22393.Digital Citizenship and Political Engagement: The Challenge from Online Campaigning and Advocacy Organisations – eBook
22394.Democracy under Threat: A Crisis of Legitimacy – eBook
22395.Civil Society and Democracy Promotion (Challenges to Democracy in the 21st Century) – eBook
22396.Trump, Twitter, and the American Democracy: Political Communication in the Digital Age – eBook
22397.Preserving the White Man’s Republic: Jacksonian Democracy, Race, and the Transformation of American Conservatism – Free eBook
22398.Design, Evaluation, and Analysis of Questionnaires for Survey Research (2nd Edition) – eBook
22399.Multiphysics Simulation by Design for Electrical Machines, Power Electronics and Drives – eBook
22400.Electromagnetic Linear Machines with Dual Halbach Array: Design and Analysis – eBook
22401.Advanced Design and Implementation of Virtual Machines – eBook
22402.Fundamentals of Machine Design (Volume 2) – eBook
22403.Blender 3D Incredible Machines – eBook
22404.Electric Vehicle Machines and Drives: Design, Analysis and Application – eBook
22405.Automotive Milestones: The Technological Development of the Automobile: Who, What, When, Where, and How It All Works – eBook
22406.Design of Machinery (5th Edition) – Solutions Manual
22407.Automation in Textile Machinery: Instrumentation and Control System Design Principles – eBook
22408.Safe Design and Construction of Machinery: Regulation, Practice and Performance – eBook
22409.Social Engineering and Nonverbal Behavior Set – eBook
22410.Health Care Economics – eBook
22411.Dictionary of Health Economics – eBook
22412.OECD Health Policy Studies: The Heavy Burden of Obesity The Economics of Prevention – eBook
22413.The Economics of US Health Care Policy – eBook
22414.The Power of Critical Thinking: Effective Reasoning about Ordinary and Extraordinary Claims (6th Edition) – eBook
22415.Amphibian Evolution: The Life of Early Land Vertebrates – eBook
22416.Negative Cosmopolitanism: Cultures and Politics of World Citizenship after Globalization – eBook
22417.Structure for Architects: A Case Study in Steel, Wood, and Reinforced Concrete Design – eBook
22418.Design of Steel Structures to Eurocodes – eBook
22419.Advanced Steel Design of Structures – eBook
22420.Milestones in European Housing Finance – eBook
22421.CURRENT Diagnosis and Treatment Pediatrics (23rd Edition) – eBook
22422.CURRENT Medical Diagnosis and Treatment Study Guide (2nd Edition) – eBook
22423.CURRENT Diagnosis & Treatment Gastroenterology, Hepatology, & Endoscopy (3rd Edition) – eBook
22424.Uterine Cancer: Screening, Diagnosis, and Treatment (2nd Edition) – eBook
22425.Hepatocellular Carcinoma: Diagnosis and Treatment (3rd Edition) – eBook
22426.Operative Pediatric Surgery (2nd Edition) – eBook
22427.MCQs and EMQs in Surgery: A Bailey & Love Revision Guide (2nd Edition) – eBook
22428.OSCEs for the MRCS Part B: A Bailey & Love Revision Guide (2nd Edition) – eBook
22429.Bailey & Love’s Essential Clinical Anatomy – eBook
22430.SBAs for the MRCS Part A: A Bailey & Love Revision Guide (2nd Edition) – eBook
22431.Ice Mechanics for Geophysical and Civil Engineering Applications- eBook
22432.Nanotechnology in Aerospace and Structural Mechanics – eBook
22433.Baldrige Award Winning Quality: How to Interpret the Baldrige Criteria for Performance Excellence (18th Edition) – eBook
22434.QUIMICA (12th Edition) – eBook
22435.Botanical Miracles: Chemistry of Plants That Changed the World – eBook
22436.Colloid and Interface Chemistry for Water Quality Control – eBook
22437.Building a Cell from its Component Parts – eBook
22438.Methods in Cilia and Flagella – eBook
22439.Immigration Law and Social Justice – eBook
22440.The Oxford Handbook of Intellectual Property Law – eBook
22441.Property Aspects of Intellectual Property – eBook
22442.The Internet, Warts and All: Free Speech, Privacy and Truth – eBook
22443.Digital Data Collection and Information Privacy Law – eBook
22444.Across Intellectual Property: Essays in Honour of Sam Ricketson – eBook
22445.Emanuel Law Outlines for Property Keyed to Dukeminier, Krier, Alexander, Schill, Strahilevitz (9th Edition) – eBook
22446.Unlocking Torts (4th Edition) – eBook
22447.Visual C# 2012 How to Program (5th Edition) – eBook
22448.C++ How to Program (9th Edition) – eBook
22449.Android for Programmers: An App-Driven Approach (2nd Edition) – eBook
22450.Swift for Programmers – eBook
22451.Intro to Python for Computer Science and Data Science: Learning to Program with AI, Big Data and The Cloud – eBook
22452.Java How to Program, Early Objects (11th Edition)
22453.Hughes Electrical and Electronic Technology (12th Edition) – eBook
22454.Juvenile Delinquency: An Integrated Approach (3rd Edition) – eBook
22455.The Handbook of Juvenile Delinquency and Juvenile Justice – eBook
22456.Juvenile Delinquency: Causes, Control and Consequences – eBook
22457.Juvenile Delinquency (3rd Edition) – Clemens/Frank – eBook
22458.What Works in Crime Prevention and Rehabilitation: Lessons from Systematic Reviews – eBook
22459.Single Variable Calculus: Early Transcendentals (9th Edition) – eBook
22460.Atlas of Mammalian Chromosomes (2nd Edition) – eBook
22461.Animal Influenza Virus: Methods and Protocols (3rd Edition) – (Methods in Molecular Biology (2123) – eBook
22462.Stochastic Calculus and Applications (2nd Edition) – eBook
22463.Weaving Words and Binding Bodies: The Poetics of Human Experience in Old English Literature – eBook
22464.Professional Development of Chemistry Teachers: Theory and Practice – eBook
22465.Antimicrobial Peptides – eBook
22466.Mixed-Species Forests: Ecology and Management – eBook
22467.Novel Antimicrobial Agents and Strategies – eBook
22468.Guide to Pediatric Urology and Surgery in Clinical Practice (2nd Edition) – eBook
22469.Pediatric Cataract Surgery and IOL Implantation: A Case-Based Guide – eBook
22470.Bioethical Controversies in Pediatric Cardiology and Cardiac Surgery – eBook
22471.Pediatric Oculoplastic Surgery (2nd Edition) – eBook
22472.Plastic Surgery: Craniofacial, Head and Neck Surgery and Pediatric Plastic Surgery – Volume 3 (4th Edition) – eBook
22473.The SAGES Manual of Pediatric Minimally Invasive Surgery – eBook
22474.Sataloff’s Comprehensive Textbook of Otolaryngology: Head & Neck Surgery: Pediatric Otolaryngology – eBoo
22475.Pediatric Surgery: Expert Consult (7th Edition) – eBook
22476.Surgery PreTest Self-Assessment and Review (14th Edition) -eBook
22477.Imaging of Bones and Joints: A Concise, Multimodality Approach – eBook
22478.Operative Techniques in Gynecologic Surgery: Gynecology – eBook
22479.Operative Techniques in Breast, Endocrine, and Oncologic Surgery – eBook
22480.Thoracic Surgical Techniques (2nd Edition) – eBook
22481.Operative Techniques in Thoracic and Esophageal Surgery – eBook
22482.Basic Techniques in Pediatric Surgery: An Operative Manual – eBook
22483.Operative Techniques and Recent Advances in Acute Care and Emergency Surgery – eBook
22484.Operative Techniques: Orthopaedic Trauma Surgery (2nd Edition) – eBook
22485.Operative Techniques in Single Incision Laparoscopic Colorectal Surgery – eBook
22486.Operative Techniques: Spine Surgery (3rd Edition) – eBook
22487.Operative Techniques: Knee Surgery (2nd Edition) – eBook
22488.Operative Techniques in Gynecologic Surgery: Reproductive, Endocrinology and Infertility – eBoo
22489.Postgraduate Haematology (7th Edition) – eBook
22490.Leadership and Literacy: Principals, Partnerships and Pathways to Improvement- eBook
22491.Mapping Disease Transmission Risk – eBook
22492.Introduction to Managerial Accounting (8th Edition) – eBook
22493.Chromosomes – eBook
22494.Essentials of Genetics (9th Global Edition) – eBook
22495.An Introduction to Management Science: Quantative Approaches to Decision Making (2nd Edition)- eBook
22496.Western Civilization: A Brief History, Volume I: To 1715 (9th Edition) – eBook
22497.Physics for Scientists and Engineers with Modern Physics (4th edition) – Pearson New International Edition – eBook
22498.Building Trust and Constructive Conflict Management in Organizations – eBook
22499.Employment and Labour Relations Law in the Premier League, NBA and International Rugby Union – eBook
22500.Transnational, European, and National Labour Relations: Flexicurity and New Economy – eBook
22501.An Introduction to Proof through Real Analysis – eBook
22502.A Concrete Introduction to Real Analysis (2nd Edition) – eBook
22503.An Introduction to Real Analysis – eBook
22504.Introduction to Real Analysis – eBook
22505.Financial Management for Decision Makers (9th Edition) – eBook
22506.Understanding Business Valuation: A Practical Guide To Valuing Small To Medium Sized Businesses (5th Edition) – eBook
22507.Understanding Ethics and Responsibilities in a Globalizing World – eBook
22508.Steel Bridges: Conceptual and Structural Design of Steel and Steel-Concrete Composite Bridges – eBook
22509.Self-Regulation and Ego Control – eBook
22510.MacSween’s Pathology of the Liver (7th Edition) – eBook
22511.Liver Pathology (Consultant Pathology Book 4) – eBook
22512.SQL Server on Azure Virtual Machines: A hands-on guide to provisioning Microsoft SQL Server on Azure VMs – eBook
22513.Molecular Data Analysis Using R – eBook
22514.Mapping the New African Diaspora in China: Race and the Cultural Politics of Belonging – eBook
22515.The Intersections of Whiteness – eBook
22516.The Handbook of Race, Ethnicity, Crime, and Justice – eBook
22517.Race, Immigration, and Social Control: Immigrants’ Views on the Police – eBook
22518.Lived Experiences of Multiculture: The New Social and Spatial Relations of Diversity – eBook
22519.Recidivism in the Caribbean: Improving the Reintegration of Jamaican Ex-prisoners – eBook
22520.The Politics of Race and Ethnicity in Matthew’s Passion Narrative – eBook
22521.Crisis and Coloniality at Europe’s Margins – Creating Exotic Iceland – eBook
22522.Power, Race, and Higher Education: A Cross-Cultural Parallel Narrative – eBook
22523.The Printed Book in Contemporary American Culture: Medium, Object, Metaphor – eBook
22524.Managing Diversity, Innovation, and Infrastructure in Digital Business – eBook
22525.Organizational Behaviour: Understanding and Managing Life at Work (10th Edition) – Instructors Solution Manual + PowerPoint
22526.Industrial Relations, Trade Unions And Labour Legislation (3rd Edition) – eBook
22527.Risk Management: Foundations For a Changing Financial World (CFA Institute Investment Perspectives Book 4) – eBook
22528.Psychological Perspectives on Financial Decision Making – eBook
22529.The 5-Minute Urology Consult (3rd Edition) — eBook
22530.Hankey’s Clinical Neurology (2nd Edition) – eBook
22531.Phillips’ Science of Dental Materials (12th Edition) – eBook
22532.Dopamine: Endocrine and Oncogenic Functions – eBook
22533.Handbook of Tumor Syndromes – eBook
22534.Surgical and Medical Treatment of Osteoporosis: Principles and Practice – eBook
22535.Treating the Complete Denture Patient – eBook
22536.Practical Procedures in Anaesthesia and Critical Care – eBook
22537.Neuroscience for Addiction Medicine: From Prevention to Rehabilitation – Constructs and Drugs – Free eBook
22538.Dermatoscopy of Non-Pigmented Skin Tumors (Pink – Think – Blink) – eBook
22539.Cleveland Clinic Illustrated Tips and Tricks in Colon and Rectal Surgery – eBook
22540.Skin Cancer Surgery, An Issue of Facial Plastic Surgery Clinics of North America – eBook
22541.Knowledge Encyclopedia – Human Body! – eBook
22542.Review of Surgery for ABSITE and Boards (2nd Edition) – eBook
22543.The 5-Minute Neurology Consult (2nd Edition) – eBook
22544.Imaging for Plastic Surgery – eBook
22545.Handbook of Applied Therapeutics (9th Edition) – eBook
22546.Microsimulation and Population Dynamics: An Introduction to Modgen 12 – eBook
22547.Ways of Knowing in HCI – eBook
22548.Creative Ways of Knowing in Engineering – eBook
22549.Decolonizing Indigenous Education: An Amazigh/Berber Ethnographic Journey – eBook
22550.Decolonizing Education: Towards Reconstructing a Theory of Citizenship Education for Postcolonial Africa – eBook
22551.Decolonizing the Spirit in Education and Beyond: Resistance and Solidarity – eBook
22552.Fatty Alcohols: Anthropogenic and Natural Occurrence in the Environment (2nd Edition) – eBook
22553.Landscape as Infrastructure: A Base Primer – eBook
22554.Decolonizing Foreign Language Education: The Misteaching of English and Other Colonial Languages – eBook
22555.Contemporary Marketing Strategy: Analyzing Consumer Behavior to Drive Managerial Decision Making – eBook
22556.Moss & Adams’ Heart Disease in Infants, Children, and Adolescents, Including the Fetus and Young Adult (9th Edition) – eBook
22557.Opioid Therapy in Infants, Children, and Adolescents – eBook
22558.Microsoft 365 Security Administration: MS-500 Exam Guide: Plan and implement security and compliance strategies for Microsoft 365 and hybrid environments – eBook
22559.Introduction to Reticular Chemistry: Metal-Organic Frameworks and Covalent Organic Frameworks – Free eBook
22560.Introduction to Pharmaceutical Analytical Chemistry (2nd Edition) – eBook
22561.Microbiology with Diseases by Taxonomy (5th Global Edition) – eBook
22562.Environmental Policymaking and Stakeholder Collaboration: Theory and Practice – eBook
22563.Irving Fisher (Great Thinkers in Economics) – eBook
22564.The Palgrave Handbook of Wine Industry Economics – eBook
22565.Ecosystem Services: Economics and Policy – eBook
22566.Public Economics: The Macroeconomic Perspective – eBook
22567.Community-Based Healthcare: The Search for Mindful Dialogues – eBook
22568.Neurosurgical Emergencies (3rd Edition) – eBook
22569.Analysis and Design of Networked Control Systems under Attacks – eBook
22570.Anthropology-Based Computing: Putting the Human in Human-Computer Interaction – eBook
22571.Theoretical Anthropology or How to Observe a Human Being – eBook
22572.Principles of Space Anthropology: Establishing a Science of Human Space Settlement (Space and Society) – eBook
22573.The Humanistic Tradition: Romanticism, Realism, and the Nineteenth-Century World (7th Edition) – Book 5 – eBook
22574.Pediatric Epidemiology – eBook
22575.The Troubled Adolescent: Challenges and Resilience within Family and Multicultural Contexts (2nd Edition) – eBook
22576.Sanfilippo’s Textbook of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology (2nd Edition) – eBook
22577.Female Adolescent Sexuality in the United States, 1850–1965 – eBook
22578.Remote Sensing of Geomorphology – eBook
22579.Current Developments in Biotechnology and Bioengineering: Resource Recovery from Wastes – eBook
22580.Médecine de la douleur pour le praticien (French Edition) – eBook
22581.Gunderson & Tepper’s Clinical Radiation Oncology (5th Edition) – eBook
22582.Heat Transfer Principles and Applications – eBook
22583.Essentials of Dental Radiography and Radiology (6th Edition) – eBook
22584.Polymers for Vibration Damping Applications – eBook
22585.Comprehensive Care of the Transgender Patient – eBook
22586.Smokeless Tobacco Products: Characteristics, Usage, Health Effects, and Regulatory Implications – eBook
22587.Metal Oxide Glass Nanocomposites – eBook
22588.Genetic and Metabolic Engineering for Improved Biofuel Production from Lignocellulosic Biomass – eBook
22589.The Future of Intelligent Transport Systems – eBook
22590.Spectroscopy of Lanthanide Doped Oxide Materials – eBook
22591.Hybrid Composite Precast Systems: Numerical Investigation to Construction – eBook
22592.Process Chemistry of Coal Utilization: Impacts of Coal Quality and Operating Conditions – eBook
22593.Sugarcane Biorefinery, Technology and Perspectives – eBook
22594.Valorization of Fruit Processing By-products – eBook
22595.Clinical Engineering Handbook (2nd Edition) – eBook
22596.Nutritional and Health Aspects of Food in Western Europe – eBook
22597.Simultaneous Mass Transfer and Chemical Reactions in Engineering Science: Solution Methods and Chemical Engineering Applications – eBook
22598.Handbook of Probabilistic Models – PDF eBook
22599.Mechanobiology: From Molecular Sensing to Disease – eBook
22600.Transportation, Land Use, and Environmental Planning – eBook
22601.Dynamics and Stochasticity in Transportation Systems: Tools for Transportation Network Modelling – eBook
22602.Atlas of Reconstructive Breast Surgery – eBook
22603.Flow Induced Vibrations: Classifications and Lessons from Practical Experiences – eBook
22604.Drugs During Pregnancy and Lactation: Treatment Options and Risk Assessment (3rd Edition) – eBook
22605.Schaefer’s Sociology in Modules (3rd Edition) – eBook
22606.Couples on the Couch: Psychoanalytic Couple Psychotherapy and the Tavistock Model – eBook
22607.Information Theoretic Security and Privacy of Information Systems – eBook
22608.Neuroradiology: A Core Review – eBook
22609.Neuroradiology: Spectrum and Evolution of Disease – eBook
22610.Software Engineering and Formal Methods: 17th International Conference, SEFM 2019, Oslo, Norway, September 18–20, 2019, Proceedings – eBook
22611.Crossing Numbers of Graphs – (Discrete Mathematics and Its Applications) – eBook
22612.Handbook for Principles and Practice of Gynecologic Oncology (2nd Edition) – eBook
22613.Speroff’s Clinical Gynecologic Endocrinology and Infertility (9th Edition) – eBook
22614.Modern Colposcopy Textbook and Atlas (3rd Edition) – eBook
22615.The Sociolinguistics of Hip-hop as Critical Conscience: Dissatisfaction and Dissent – eBook
22616.Neurosurgery Oral Board Review (3rd Edition) – eBook
22617.Health and Gender: Resilience and Vulnerability Factors For Women’s Health in the Contemporary Society – eBook
22618.Peace Education Evaluation – eBook
22619.The Oxford Handbook of Levinas – eBook
22620.Medical Cultures of the Early Modern Spanish Empire – eBook
22621.Gentrification — Lees/SlateWyly — eBook
22622.Quantitative Modeling of Derivative Securities: From Theory To Practice – eBook
22623.Varieties of Secularism in Asia: Anthropological Explorations of Religion, Politics and the Spiritual – eBook
22624.Remington and Klein’s Infectious Diseases of the Fetus and Newborn (8th Edition) – eBook
22625.The Routledge Companion to Digital Humanities and Art History – eBook
22626.Conflict and Cooperation in the Indo-Pacific: New Geopolitical Realities – eBook
22627.Practising Italian Grammar: A Workbook – eBook
22628.Sacrifice Regained: Morality and Self-Interest in British Moral Philosophy from Hobbes to Bentham – eBook
22629.Social Neuroscience: Brain, Mind, and Society – eBook
22630.Mechanical Ventilation in Emergency Medicine – eBook
22631.Modern Statistics for the Social and Behavioral Sciences: A Practical Introduction (2nd Edition) – eBook
22632.The Experience of Meaning in Life: Classical Perspectives, Emerging Themes, and Controversies – eBook
22633.Homo Prospectus – eBook
22634.Myth and Meaning: San-Bushman Folklore in Global Context – eBook
22635.Yen and Jaffe’s Reproductive Endocrinology: Physiology, Pathophysiology, and Clinical Management (8th Edition) – eBook
22636.Political Sentiments and Social Movements: The Person in Politics and Culture – eBook
22637.Mathematical Modeling of Pharmacokinetic Data – eBook
22638.Risk Management, Liability Insurance, and Asset Protection Strategies for Doctors and Advisors: Best Practices from Leading Consultants and Certified Medical Planners – eBook
22639.The Developmental Science of Adolescence: History Through Autobiography – eBook
22640.The American Past: A Survey of American History (9th Edition ) – eBook
22641.Consciousness in the Physical World: Perspectives on Russellian Monism – eBook
22642.Moral Values in the Ancient World – eBook
22643.An Illustrated History of Health and Fitness, from Pre-History to our Post-Modern World – eBook
22644.A Minimalist Ontology of the Natural World – eBook
22645.Experience Machines: The Philosophy of Virtual Worlds – eBook
22646.Information and the World Stage: From Philosophy to Science, the World of Forms and Communications – eBook
22647.Unequivocal Justice (Political Philosophy for the Real World) – eBook
22648.Making Sense of the World: New Essays on the Philosophy of Understanding – eBook
22649.Leadership in a Diverse and Multicultural Environment: Developing Awareness, Knowledge, and Skills – Free eBook
22650.The Natural Law Tradition and Belief: Naturalism, Theism, and Religion in Dialogue (World Philosophy) – eBook
22651.Conflicting Philosophies and International Trade Law: Worldviews and the WTO – eBook
22652.A Minimalist Ontology of the Natural World – eBook
22653.Experience Machines: The Philosophy of Virtual Worlds – eBook
22654.Information and the World Stage: From Philosophy to Science, the World of Forms and Communications – eBook
22655.Unequivocal Justice (Political Philosophy for the Real World) – eBook
22656.Making Sense of the World: New Essays on the Philosophy of Understanding – eBook
22657.Leadership in a Diverse and Multicultural Environment: Developing Awareness, Knowledge, and Skills – Free eBook
22658.The Natural Law Tradition and Belief: Naturalism, Theism, and Religion in Dialogue (World Philosophy) – eBook
22659.Conflicting Philosophies and International Trade Law: Worldviews and the WTO – eBook
22660.Dynamic Business Law: The Essentials (3rd Edition) – eBook
22661.Applied Ordinal Logistic Regression Using Stata: From Single-Level to Multilevel Modeling – eBook
22662.Elementos de álgebra linear – eBook
22663.Estatistica Aplicada – eBook
22664.Discrete Data Analysis with R: Visualization and Modeling Techniques for Categorical and Count Data – eBook
22665.Strength in Numbers: The Rising of Academic Statistics Departments in the U. S. – eBook
22666.How Peace Operations Work: Power, Legitimacy, and Effectiveness – eBook
22667.Private Security Today – eBook
22668.Exterior Algebras: Elementary Tribute to Grassmann’s Ideas – eBook
22669.Social Psychology and Human Nature, Brief Version (4th Edition) – eBook
22670.Introduction to Phase Diagrams in Materials Science and Engineering – eBook
22671.Introducing SEO: Your Quick-Start Guide To Effective SEO Practices – eBook
22672.Effective SEO and Content Marketing: The Ultimate Guide for Maximizing Free Web Traffic – eBook
22673.Safety Instrumented Systems: Design, Analysis, and Justification (2nd Edition) – eBook
22674.The Massachusetts General Hospital Handbook of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – eBook
22675.Solar Neutrinos: The First Thirty Years – eBook
22676.X-ray Absorption Spectroscopy for the Chemical and Materials Sciences – eBook
22677.Photocatalytic Functional Materials for Environmental Remediation – eBook
22678.Foundations of Solid State Physics: Dimensionality and Symmetry – eBook
22679.Integrated Multiferroic Heterostructures and Applications – eBook
22680.Functional Organic Liquids – eBook
22681.Carbon Dioxide Sensing: Fundamentals, Principles, and Applications – eBook
22682.Crystal Optics: Properties and Applications – eBook

I have been drafting this post for ages, proofreading, pondering, and procrastinating (that's my autobiography title for sure, my dudes). After reading Bailey’s social media, I knew it was time for this post. I had a feeling Bailey was going through some personal issues, but it still shocked me. I wish I could speak to you directly, Bailey, and say something that doesn’t feel corny … but it is what it is. You are not alone; your family, friends, and fans are always with you. Please take the time you need for yourself between now and March 21. We only get one life; live it how you want to.
Onto the next part of this post: a very brief recap of Bailey’s latest Instagram Live video from February 26. I have only included what I thought was necessary information. I want to try to make these recaps a regular type of content, but I don’t always see the Instagram Live videos; I will try, though.
The Instagram Live consisted of three, one-hour videos.
In the first video, Bailey began by reminding us that she usually does the Instagram Live videos on Wednesdays (her time zone), unless she can’t for whatever reason. Bailey then revisited last Monday’s video about Joseph “JJ” Vallow and Tylee Ryan. This discussion began with a clarification that the document outlining the timeline for the case was located in the pinned comment of the YouTube video. After that, Bailey summarised and responded to feedback about the whiteboard. Lastly, she had an in-depth discussion about superfluous or unconfirmed information about the case. (I will not delve into what was discussed during this part out of respect for the victims in this case.)
In the second and third videos, Bailey discussed other assorted professional/personal matters. Here are what I believe to be the key points from those videos:

• There is a possibility the Monday videos will change from weekly to fortnightly to allow for additional research time.
• Please refrain from recommending cases for now.
• Bailey and Fern are going on a one-week holiday. Saint will be looked after by a family friend.
• The information about her upload schedule during this time has since changed.
• New merchandise is on the way! Hooray.
• Bailey chatted with fans (and Fern!) for two hours about various topics.

That’s it for the recap. On a closing note, I have been contemplating what exactly we want this subreddit to be, and whether it matters. This morning I have realised it certainly does matter, to you, to me, and to Bailey. We might not know what we want it to be right now, and it might not be what everyone wants it to be, but I will stick with it. Please take care, everyone. I will post something new again soon.

Hi!
So, when I started dancing, I didn't educate myself much on the history of this dance and the culture it came from. I didn't listen to the people who told me to check out the old videos and listen to old music. To me, these people just didn't realize what was obvious to me - there are plenty of good quality, well-lit modern videos all over YouTube, with more coming out on a weekly basis. These were way easier to watch and understand than black and white videos with poor or no music synced, and bad lighting. I figured I could observe everything I needed to know about Lindy Hop just by attending dances and following the modern international scene through YouTube and attending events. I justified this decision to myself, saying people who cared about preserving and recreating the old stuff were probably just being needlessly rigid and behind the times. The same with music. I was still strict about wanting to only hear swing at dances, but plenty of good music albums were being released by modern swing bands. Why would I listen to old-timey, scratchy records when there was so much stuff coming out from bands I could actually pay to see live?
It was years before I realized the enormity of what I was missing out on. And when I think about it, there wasn't really a good reason for this, except that I didn't know where to find these videos and music. I recognized, in a general way, that it was important to study the history, but I never really did it. That all changed after a trip to Herrang and reading Frankie's autobiography, and it came as a shock to me to learn that people used to fight and scour to the ends of the earth to find "clips" of vintage dancing as recently as the 90s and early 2000s, because now almost everything is just sitting there on YouTube. So it came to me as an equal shock that, as far as I can tell, relatively few people actually study them these days. For evidence of that, you can note that many of the best vintage Lindy Hop clips on YouTube (some linked in this guide, some not) only have a few hundred hits, while the latest videos from the biggest dance weekends hit tens of thousands of views within a week of being released. For the record, I'm not saying this is good or bad.
Regardless, there’s been a lot of talk in this sub lately about the importance of people educating themselves on the history, culture, and music of swing dancing. But on the internet these days, there's way too much information out there to tell what information is bad or good, or even whether you've got it all. In this lindy hopper's starter guide, I'm going to attempt to make the process just a little bit less daunting by making something that I wish someone had given to me when I started.
Since this is a large and complicated guide that covers a variety of topics, I want to be extra clear that this is not meant to be complete or perfect. This is undoubtedly going to be a process that will include mistakes and revision. Some of you might disagree with my descriptions or how I've framed things. That's all fine - I'm just one guy, and this is just a list of resources that have worked for me and for people I know, and I wanted to share them in the interest of helping people new to the community orient themselves. I'm no swing historian or expert or anything, I just want to get the ball rolling on a project like this for the larger community that I think is long overdue.
Please also note, this is not a beginner’s guide to learning how to swing dance as much as it is a beginner’s guide to introducing yourself to swing music, dancing, and culture, in a broader sense. For that reason, I divided the sections into culture-related resources, music to check out, and dancing videos. I think all three are important. The rankings of beginner, intermediate, and advanced are subjective of course, and relate to some combination of how accessible the resources are (how easy it is for someone with no background to appreciate what they’re seeing) and how important it would be for active members of a swing community to have seen/heard/read them in order to understand what they’re seeing when they experience the swing world.
Please try not to get too hung up on the beginneintermediate/advanced ratings themselves - they are more to give some semblance of order to how I think people would be best served interacting with the guide than to be some arbitrary assignment of importance. Everyone is obviously free to go through it however they see fit.
Please also forgive me if you don't agree with or like my descriptions. I tried to just speak to what I know where I thought it would be helpful. In the areas where I make less of a comment, it's because I don't know as much about it, or I didn't feel like I had much to add. If my comments are incorrect, please feel free to correct them. I'll try to incorporate suggestions and additions when I can. Please just be nice and remember that I'm trying to help!
Hope you enjoy!
Beginner:
Beginner Cultural Resources:
Frankie Manning - Ambassador of Lindy Hop
https://www.amazon.com/Frankie-Manning-Ambassador-Lindy-Hop/dp/1592135641
Read Frankie’s book. Just read it. If you take nothing else from this entire list, let it be that you read this book. It changed my entire focus in life as a dancer. It just places so many things in context; what the dance is, how to approach it, how people did things and how that might have relevance for how we do things today, the relationship of musicians and dancers… so many iconic stories and important perspectives. Learn all about the creation of air steps, the Savoy Ballroom in all its glory, Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers, the saturday night contests, Shorty Snowden, the Harlem Congaroos, the revival, and more. It’s genuinely an entertaining read and well written, too. If you're already really into dancing, you won't be able to put it down.
History of Swing Youtube Video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIuhsUSXCvA
A video that captures the excitement of the revival and a heartwarming introduction to modern swing dancing, and Frankie and Norma. Really, I am so happy I have goosebumps by the time it gets to that ending jam to Jumpin at the Woodside.
Beginner Music: It’s not clear to me how to give people resources to get started with music - I share my own stuff for free and I’m glad to - I found it years ago by downloading several giant “ALL JAZZ MUSIC” torrents (thousands, maybe tens of thousands of songs) and I’m still discovering new (to me) stuff in there. But that won’t work for everybody. I guess some people will start with Spotify or iTunes, and YouTube even has a lot of stuff. For now anyway, I’m just going to give the names of artists to look into however you see fit.
Big Band:
Count Basie*
The gold standard of big band swing. At Herrang, they say you can never play too much Basie, for good reason. I have a DJ playlist of my absolute best, swinginest songs, and the only artist who can take up a whole page of it is Count Basie. He’s just that good. Note how his solos characteristically use empty space to fill time and build suspense for the next note. His band also featured the All American Rhythm Section - Basie, Jo Jones, Walter Page, and Freddie Green - which as I understand it was considered one of the best rhythm sections...ever. Lester Young, legendary swing sax player, was also featured on a lot of Basie's recordings. Naturally just about everyone who passed through this band was incredible, and I definitely am not the one with all their names. It was one of the few bands that lasted well beyond the swing era. It seems people mostly agree that Basie’s band was the best dance band around. Notable tunes include Shiny Stockings, Frankie Manning’s favorite tune in his old age, and Jumpin’ at the Woodside, which has been dubbed (in modern times) “the national anthem of Lindy Hop" and was the original tune to which they choreographed Hellzapoppin'. I tried to think of others, but this band honestly has so many iconic and incredible songs it would justify a whole post and guide in itself. Feel free to make one if you're a basie expert! ;). They also frequently accompanied Billie Holiday, both with her as their vocalist and comprising some or all of the rhythm section on her recordings.
Cab Calloway
Cab’s band was just top-tier. Professional, reliably good quality sound. Could get a bit campy at times, but so important and foundational to swing music it’s impossible to leave him off a list like this. It’s hard to find any songs by this band that don’t get your feet tapping. His influence on the zeitgeist of the swing era hard to overstate.
Duke Ellington
America’s greatest composer. Period. Duke is a whole world unto himself. My favorite and highest quality swinging recordings of him actually come from his concert at the Newport Jazz Festival in 1956, but he (and Billy Strayhorn) wrote a number of the most iconic swing tunes, such as “Take The A Train.” These guys famously played the Cotton Club, which was down the street from the Savoy Ballroom.
Benny Goodman
Is credited for bringing swing to white America with his band’s iconic performances in 1935 at Palomar Ballroom and in 1938 at Carnegie Hall (featuring members of Duke Ellington and Count Basie’s bands). He was dubbed the King of Swing, but we all know Chick Webb and Count Basie contested that title quite well. This band is not to be underestimated though. Gene Krupa’s drumming, Lionel Hampton on the vibraphone, Teddy Wilson on piano (the Benny Goodman quartet) the first integrated swing band recordings (I think?), Charlie Christian pioneering the swing electric guitar, and Harry James (the sextet)..., the list of major developments in swing music that came from musicians who got their start or associated with Benny Goodman is long.
Artie Shaw
Innovated a lot of sounds to add to the swing repertoire - he had a flair for the unusual. Notably added a harpischord and a string section to some of his tunes. Had one of the swinginest bands out there - as another white jewish clarinet player, he was a rival of Benny Goodman naturally. Where Benny had a more swingin' sound, Artie was known for clearer, darker tone and, like Bix Beiderbecke, didn't waste notes. And, again, this band should not be underestimated. I ignored him and Benny for too long because they were white swing bands, but to do that is to deprive yourself of some seriously good music. These guys could hang with the best.
Chick Webb
Led the house band at the Savoy Ballroom, started Ella Fitzgerald’s legendary career, and died tragically young of tuberculosis. The recordings we do have of him playing with his band are some of the most beloved recordings out there. A dedicated dance band, I think all of their recordings are fantastic for DJing at dances. Some of his songs are so well loved they can get overplayed in some scenes, such as “Lindy Hopper’s Delight.”
EDIT: Someone recently sent me this link to live radio broadcasts by big bands playing during the war at places like Hollywood Palladium and other top ballrooms. The recordings are, to say the least, incredible, and a fantastic introduction to big band sound, played live for dancers. Note for DJs: note the dynamic range of the orchestra's song choices. Waltzes, latin rhythms, very slow songs, very fast ones, and yeah, that mid-tempo swing we often hear at swing dances, but I'd wager it's ~20% of what they actually played. It's a consistent ratio across these 86 recordings. Something to think about for your sets! Peter Loggins' talk (linked below) expands on this point, but I personally think you shouldn't be afraid to push and challenge your dance scene to expand the range of music they can dance to. I've been experimenting with it lately in my local scene and I've found it makes the night far more interesting and even though people will often dance fewer songs, they can't easily predict what's coming and have to adapt (which is fun!) and it makes it more of a payoff/release when the songs they're used to (mid-tempo swing) do come on.
Small Combo Swing:*
Slim Gaillard + Slam Stewart
Cats and the Fiddle
Harlem Hamfats
These guys have gone through phases of being really, really popular to DJ in the swing community. They do a lot of fun stuff with harmonies, rhythm, and generally have a super swinging, solid sound.
Benny Goodman Trio, Quartet, all the way up to Sextet. Every single guy in this group was an all star, and one could devote days just to studying their music alone.
It's worth noting that there are a number of combo recordings that included some or all of the guys listed above and in the below sections. For example, I'm learning Count Basie played with the Benny Goodman Sextet on some recordings.
Beginner Videos:
Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers
A Day At The Races (1937)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di-a-jf1c6g&t=3
It should be noted that this clip, while iconic and impressive, features Norma Miller and Leon James exhibiting something called “muggin” where they make faces and wiggle their fingers up close to the camera. As I understand it, they were forced to do this in order to portray black people as wild and silly savages. You can see examples of things like this ranging from facial expressions to clothing choices in just about every Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers clip from movies. Don't let it distract you too much from the dancing, or confuse these gestures with being parts of Lindy Hop itself.
Radio City Revels (1938)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGAOpTcEyJw
Keep Punchin (1939)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfgKMfexdPQ
Hot Chocolate (1941)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_262uUGwzgk
Note that this is the same routine as Hellzapoppin, with some minor changes (such as some of the solos and the ensemble section)
Hellzapoppin (1941)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahoJReiCaPkAm
You know it, you love it. The greatest routine in Lindy Hop.
Cootie Williams and Orchestra with Eddie Cleanhead (1943)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnpcPFnHLUQ
Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers (just two couples) are the last performance, but it’s worth watching the whole clip. It's worth noting that this was during World War II, so one of the songs has to do with winning the war.
Jitterbug History
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8UkX71MbPY&index=7&list=PLmgkit3LB0tdgRzwPSQE_-YdxqbA1tpg5
Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers are the biggest name in Lindy Hop. The Hellzapoppin routine is the only vintage Lindy Hop clip that regularly goes viral even today and is still watched by millions. They would regularly take every placement in the Harvest Moon Ball. They pushed Lindy Hop to new heights (literally!). The more you watch these clips, the more there is to learn.
After Seben (1929)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcnpZfsfwDA
The first clip of what we now know and can identify as “Lindy Hop.” I’ve heard conflicting accounts of whether James Barton (the man in the beginning and dancing at the end) is in blackface, but as it does always need to be said, blackface is never okay.
Groovie Movie (1944)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_ENjos_PpE
A goofy and fun introduction to the California/Hollywood/LA style of Lindy Hop and how it was portrayed in the 40s.
Swing Fever (1944)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1-LqqPnkf0
Another iconic LA video. This clip is the image in a lot of people’s minds when they think of swing dancing, with the military outfits.
Rip It Up (1956)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLDwMWkp1Iw
I don’t know much about where this clip comes from, but it’s awesome and a lot of people have seen it. An introduction to rock n roll jitterbuggin with some clear Lindy Hop influences. Evidence that people were still doing this dance even after the swing era was over, contrary to popular belief.
Intermediate:
Intermediate Cultural Resources:
Norma’s Book, Swingin at the Savoy - https://www.amazon.com/Swingin-at-Savoy-Norma-Milledp/1566398495
Covers similar ground to Frankie’s book, but Norma was a bit harder-hitting, and unafraid to show the darker sides of some of the people and aspects of Lindy Hop’s history and show business. Norma answers a lot of questions that were still hanging for me after I read Frankie’s book, and it’s an insightful and important account in its own right.
www.savoystyle.com
This website is a bit out of date in style, but an incredible resource for biographical information on Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers and other Harlem dancers, and some video links.
Intermediate Music:
Ken Burns Jazz Documentary
Here's the beginning of the series, to get your feet wet - it really gets me fired up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZPZvGfWQQo
Here’s a good intro to the first Swing Era episode to get an idea of what that's like - same deal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE31EC3NoLs
Here is the entire thing - https://www.pbs.org/show/jazz/ or you can find just episodes 2-10 here: https://www.amazon.com/Ken-Burns-Jazz/dp/B002P3OCUE
Ken Burns Jazz completely revolutionized how I understood jazz. Every Lindy Hopper should watch it, full stop. You can tell the creators loved swing. Episode 1 is particularly incredible as to the role of blues and the roots of how jazz (and ultimately swing) truly began, so don't skip it if you can help it. It’s about 20 hours of documentary footage, but once it sucks you in, it sucks you in.
Here are some additional artists to explore after or concurrent with watching Ken Burns:
Billie Holiday
Anita O’Day
Ella Fitzgerald
Peggy Lee
Lil Hardin Armstrong
Louis Armstrong
Fats Waller
Django Reinhardt
Oscar Peterson
Tommy Dorsey
Jimmy Dorsey
Will Bradley
Woody Herman
Harry James
Jimmie Lunceford
Fletcher Henderson
Earl Hines
Sidney Bechet
International Sweethearts of Rhythm
Charlie Christian
Lionel Hampton
Teddy Wilson
Jelly Roll Morton
Bix Beiderbecke
Bob + Bing Crosby
Joe "King" Oliver
Glenn Miller
This is the part I'm most afraid will piss people off. Obviously there are a lot more swing musicians than this - this is just a list of people to get you started, from the top of my head and nowhere else. There's probably some boneheaded gaps. These people are generally each very important to swing history in their own unique ways - Ken Burns will do a great job placing most of them in some context, though despite being 20 hours long, that documentary does not get everything either. You could write a book about each of these in their own right, and many more not on the list. It really is difficult to comprehend how massive the world of swing really is.
Intermediate Videos:
Spirit Moves
Disc 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjguncQiw70
Disc 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHf4tBmAlpI
What Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers clips are to the Beginner level of this guide, Spirit Moves is to the Intermediate level. Disc 1 covers, chronologically, most classic Savoy Lindy Hop routines. It heavily features Al Minns, Leon James, and Pepsi Bethel, but Frankie and Willa Mae Ricker make an appearance. Disc 2 is the real gem, in my opinion - live footage inside the Savoy Ballroom in 1950. Truly valuable. So much to be gained just from watching these clips and observing and picking up as much as you can. Start to finish. I'd direct your attention to specific things to look at, but there'd be too many to point out. Spirit Moves is truly gold. Also, my understanding is there’s more discs out there, but I can’t find them on YouTube.
Al and Leon Clips
Dupont Show of the Week:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJsBa2u9aMQ
The Tranky Doo:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=jFMrnjkYkFM
Al Minns in Sweden:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mr_yKGFwCQQ&app=desktop
Al and Leon “Charleston Style”:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s58iTzznkp0
Owning the party in 1954:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-K9IO3-OW8
The Playboy Clip (1959)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA-u7rp-SrU
Al and Leon had a very fascinating partnership. Their unique and interesting styles, both separately and together, teach a lot about performance and how to approach what we now know as solo jazz. It’s worth studying their movements and recreating their performances as a challenge if you’re trying to improve your solo jazz.
Frankie post-revival dancing:
Frankie Social Dancing w/ Norma
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-IpPMi0uGI
This clip changed my life as a dancer. It's just so good.
Frankie and Chazz Shim Sham:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhnNhr1spoM
Chazz Young is Frankie’s son and a tremendous dancer in his own right. This routine is delightful.
Frankie 1980s New York:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e00F7OimG6U
Frankie Manning and Erin Stevens (1989):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKUeZPvAPVM
Dean Collins + Jewel McGowan:
Hep and Happy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCI_oZdREaM
Buck Privates
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5gGPXTamYU
The Baby Boogie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wznL6MVp4ok
1942 (Name?)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9kMs4N5teY
Let’s Make Music 1941 (Dean and Bertha Lee)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2QnZm0dXIk
Tabby the Cat (1945)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amn73v-2iow
Jewel McGowan Compilation (some overlap here):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFWh7HTCy0g
Jerry Lewis Jitterbug
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CowekQq6kY8
This is by no means all of the vintage clips of LA dancers - and not even all of the clips include both Dean and Jewel - these are just some of the ones to get started on. As with many things in this guide, the rabbit hole goes deep if you follow it. I highly recommend the YouTube channel Vintage Swing Dance (linked below) and Robert White. LA style swing is an important part of swing history, a treasure trove of fantastic movement, and Dean Collins was at the core of it. I would definitely love to see if anyone has any resources related to Dean Collins’ influence and general Southern California dancing history.
Advanced:
Advanced Cultural Resources:
Peter Loggins Talks:
https://archive.org/details/PeterLogginsOnLearningOtherDancesBesidesTheLindyHop
This talk is amazing. When you’re ready for it, it might change everything you know about dancing. All of Peter Loggins’ talks, which are I think you can find with some googling, are incredible.
Suffice it to say, I took from this one that it’s worth it, and in fact really important, to try to delve into the Peabody, Foxtrot, Charleston, Latin dances, Waltz, and any others, and not to be afraid to use them or to go to places where people dance them - don’t restrict yourself to just Lindy Hop or even just swing dances - you’ll miss out on a lot. And it also occurs to me that a willingness to explore like this could be an important element in getting dance scenes specializing in different dances to pool resources, work together, and produce more versatile and overall skilled dancers. This is all the way down in the advanced section, but it’s hard to overstate its importance.
Jazz Dance by Roger Tilton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYdo_J3Puns
Filmed at Central Plaza Dance Hall, New York City in 1954 it features Al Minns, Leon James, and non-professional dancers social dancing to excellent live music. The band consists of Jimmy McPartland, trumpet, vocal; Jimmy Archey, trombone; Pee Wee Russell, clarinet; Willie "The Lion" Smith, piano; Pops Foster, acoustic double bass; George Wettling, drums.
Advanced Music:
Here I recommend some artists to get started with sounds that deviate quite a bit from the big band stuff. I’m probably really out of my element here, so again, purists forgive me, I’m just trying to get people started - feel free to post corrections or additions if you feel I’m missing important stuff or mischaracterizing. Ken Burns Jazz explains a lot of why music started changing so much in 1945, and looking up these guys will generally take you to music created after that point, which might still be relevant for dancers.
Melba Liston
Mary Lou Williams
Frank Sinatra
Gerry Mulligan
Coleman Hawkins
Dizzy Gillespie
Charlie Parker
Lester Young
Ben Webster
Johnny Hodges
Roy Brown
Ike Turner and his Kings of Rhythm
Lucky Millinder
Bill Haley & The Comets
Bullmoose Jackson
Little Richard
Chuck Berry
Elvis Presley
Fats Domino
Smiley Lewis
Wynonie Harris
This list doesn’t include the large, large group of artists that play rock n roll music that is great for dancing, jump blues, R&B, and other swing-related music genres. It also doesn’t include, by any stretch of the imagination, all important swing musicians - again, this is just a starter guide.
Advanced Videos:
YouTube Channels
A substantial portion of the videos I've linked here are from one of these channels. It's worth just devoting hours and hours to all the videos in these channels.
Vintage Swing Dance, a channel run by a guy named Bill Green: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC07XsRsNjrogsOfwSpMGr2A
Dan Conner: https://www.youtube.com/useRhythmJunkie
And Bobby White: https://www.youtube.com/userobertwhiteIII/videos
The Harlem Hot Shots are a Swedish group that does performances using almost exclusively Whitey’s Lindy Hoppers choreography. Here is some of their work:
Call of the Lindy Hop https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKoKs-UzBnM
Herrang in 2011 performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQrQhdJH4tM
Frankie 100: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isp66HT8AKE
Performance at the Snowball 2017 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUHM-2f_v4E
Charleston in the 1950s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1sSvb_9hx0
I also find their recreation, Spirit Moves-style,of certain Savoy routines, to be incredibly useful:
The California Routine (this routine is EVERYWHERE in the lindy hop world. Learn it!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHuF4mQnjKc
First Stops: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDw_v5NvmG8
Second Stops: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSYvy9KuVu4
Al and Leon Shim Sham: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg8x6pPe_hI
The Big Apple: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E37mb1QROIw
The Tranky Doo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnD8V6-uzbM
Frankie + Chazz Shim Sham: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFH3waV26Uo
Here’s Christian Frommelt’s St Louis Jitterbug Playlist:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXWnrqfqkM0&list=PLd-lJB9uHhdJiRM7VGfKtt8x6pIlwP_p7 Imperial Swing is freakin’ cool! I love this style, and Christian’s dancing, and you can really see the influences it has on him when you watch these clips.
Jitterbug Johnny’s Juke Joint Clips (1947):
Performance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btLR_uiEGkc
Social Dance (with some incredible 3 wall swingouts!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adx_NmnIs6E
Lindy Hop at the 1939 World’s Fair
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9zb7KGWXvc
Harvest Moon Ball clips (you’ll see lots of descriptions of this in Frankie and Norma’s books, but suffice it to say the Savoy basically always won these and they extended well past the swing era)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gXlBz-9_1E
There’s probably more and better links to these, but this one is a place to start.
OtheRelated:
Nicholas Brothers
Mandy (1934)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3osyeKcLuJs
It’s worth noting again the blackface here. Blackface is never okay.
Lucky Numbers (1936)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IBteauWsHA
Jumpin Jive (1943)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8yGGtVKrD8
If you know the Nicholas Brothers, it’s probably from this clip. According to Wikipedia, this routine is considered one of the most virtuosic dance displays of all time. Also an excellent example of Cab Calloway’s wonderful showmanship. Also from Wikipedia re: the Nicholas Brothers: Gregory Hines declared that if their biography were ever filmed, their dance numbers would have to be computer generated because no one now could emulate them.[3] Ballet legend Mikhail Baryshnikov once called them the most amazing dancers he had ever seen in his life.
Buck and Bubbles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7OaYB4xa-E
Frankie Manning’s Class
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SxbbmTdGKYo
Earl Snake Hips Tucker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U4ww-MmAY4
Texas Tommy (early super vintage vids)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTAQ5_KFpbQ
Cotton Club Dancers (1933)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgcJyZA-rrE
Nitty Gritty (1963)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2v8IgJdsm4
It Goes To Your Toes (1944)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKKO_fYv6JE&feature=youtu.be
Fats Waller Ain’t Misbehavin’ in Stormy Weather (1943)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSNPpssruFY
Bli-Blip (a great example of the demeaning things black people were often required to do to be in film - a lot of muggin and other things here. But also some great dancing.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pthpr7sI9C0&feature=youtu.be
Here’s Christian Frommelt’s playlist for St. Louis Shag: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVnzJihvlgc&list=PL49077BCE0033DE21
Balboa + other LA Dancing
White Pants Clip
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4w9W2pkvr0
Beach Clip
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uEbgpvxjfY
Maharaja (1943)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehVZktW0BK4
Bobby McGee’s Clips:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWfHMyVqQ9M&list=PL1seg-AgfHcBtNoS6cS3uujRlIoo4UjVJ
Here’s an excellent playlist summarizing a lot, including clips and talks with Peter Loggins:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHLzw9A-xGk&list=PL1m2S0OSei-VkqsKw0qrxQ0IfgkxBL-vO
A lot more to be found on Bobby White’s channel (linked again: https://www.youtube.com/userobertwhiteIII/videos) ! I’m really lacking in my LA and Balboa history (as I’m not from there), so I hope those of you more knowledgeable about it can forgive me and potentially help me flesh it out in the comments!
Some stuff I would love to see:
The Betty Boop videos they use to start the camp meetings at Herrang
Some videos to get started with West Coast Swing, Carolina Shag, Collegiate Shag, and other related swing dances.
As mentioned above, some resources for LA style swing dancing and history.
I want to be absolutely clear about something - this might seem like a lot, but there is a LOT more stuff out there than this. And this is just really one perspective on all this history, when in fact there are many valid ones. This one is more oriented towards the illuminating some of the styles of Harlem and the background for the traditions of the modern swing community, but this is JUST a place to get started. Some of the stuff I’ve linked involves some very, very deep (and rewarding) rabbit holes. I also think one of the great things about this having so much YouTube is that the related videos will take you much further! There's a lot to study and that study will make you a better dancer and a better member of the dance community. Again, I would welcome this community’s many historians and otherwise knowledgeable folks to contribute to this!
If I wanted to make a point with this post, it would be that there is a tremendous amount of information to know and study just to get started with this thing. Being a lindy hopper, for me, requires great humility and disciplined study.
I’m also really hoping we can get the mods to sticky this, and that people will refer enthusiastic but overwhelmed newbies to this thread to get themselves educated. Apologies if this ends up just coming across as a mess, I did my best with the time and energy available that I had.
Thanks for reading! Looking forward to seeing you all out on the dance floor.

I'm just a humble lurker hanging around this 7000 strong community, and much to my surprise learned a thing or two about my life from a defined perspective that I hadn't had before - that hapas in general, and not just me, are fucked up. Thank you for this, hapas, the new user sidebar was great. So I'll drop a quick autobiography, I've read a great deal here, and think I've reached a point where I can contribute. You can call me John Williams, a half American half Korean Asian passing non-Asian.
It all started in the 70's, with my yt pops going to college, and also being really against Communism, like cared about that shit more than I've ever cared about anything. Somehow he decided that North Korea was the most Communist of the Commies, and wanted to contribute toward the reunification of Korea, which in college, meant learning Korean. So he goes to Korea at some point, meets my mom, and they get married in Korea. This process takes years. Then he brings her to the US, I come along, and there I am, the halfie, but a US citizen.
At this point my pops is doing more school, I was living in the dorms with him and my mom, and I was drawing all over the walls with permanent markers and being a general hazard, so he sends me and my mother to Rice Patty, Korea, where my mom's family is originally from, to stay while he wraps up school. So I'm like 3 years old, knew some English at that point, right, but now I'm deep in Full Immersion Korea Rice Patty Village, so I'm basically a Korean kid at that point.
Racist ass Korean villagers, let me tell you what. Miguk-nom, bae-gin, hin-doong-a, was my village nickname. Anyway I'm a kid, literally 3 years old, and these villagers can't stand that I'm there. I mean I get it, these dudes remember the Korean War, not "remember it" like we remember the Civil War, America dropped infinite bombs, 10% of the population died, yes. But I was 3. My family was great, and they kind of told the villagers to fuck themselves, but that was my first racist experience, being called whitie by Korean villagers when I was 3. I don't blame them, but I think this sub points a lot of racist accusations at white people, and let me tell you, Asians in Asia are literally racist, like NOT being racist isn't a thing. Their societies are all structured under Confucian ideals where everyone has their place, and acts in a certain, predictable way. Anyone outside of this structure is unpredictable, and, therefore, different, and disliked. And the disruptors happen to look super obviously not the same, so they are easy to identify, and attribute traits to. Racism is literally built into Asian culture in a fundamental way.
I'm 4, and my family moves to LA. Lots of Koreans in LA. My dad starts his career there, and when I get back to the States, I don't recognize him, and also don't speak English anymore. I pick it back up quickly, but it was an awkward family reunion. In LA, I get picked on by the Korean kids for being half white. Several fights later, I'm banned from the local weekend Korean language school for being a disruptive element. This is still the 80's, mind you. So yes, I don't know if this is much discussed here, but I was receiving racist attacks as a kid under 5 years old from all fronts - for being half white.
My family moves to Hong Kong. Hong Kong in the late 80's was a happening spot, and there were a lot of hapas there, in fact, more than I had ever met in my entire life. Being a British colony, everyone spoke English, so there wasn't a language problem. Foreign accents were the norm, so everyone was familiar with internationally broken English, be it Indian, American, British, German, French, Asiany dialects. This was probably the happiest time of my life. My school had white, black, mixed, full Asian kids, it was the least racist time of my life. 3 years later, I move to Townie, New England.
Townie, New England, in the early 90's, can you guys imagine that? Called chiggy chiggy chinky, gook, gookie, chinko chonko, like every day, in late elementary, early middle school... I was physically like, a foot smaller than the townies that were fucking with me, the only Asian in the entire town of Townie, and my last name was Williams, I was getting fucked with daily, verbally and physically. This was way before I could have used the internet to expose them, way before any school admin system ever gave a shit about diversity or defending the one Asian nobody in the school. This was where the kind of stockholm syndrome of being a hapa kicked in. The Koreans rejected me for being white, and the whites rejected me for being Korean, I was in a no man's land racially, and it was infuriating. And also made me depressed and suicidal. Like at this time, I wanted to be white so badly, so I wouldn't get picked on anymore, so I could just be a Nobody, instead of a Target. Life goals, amiright. But there was light at the end of the Townie tunnel, I moved back to Hong Kong. However, I was all fucked up. I hated both white and Asian people, and myself most of all.
And now this is where I started dating. Early high school, I dated Asian girls, white girls, hapa girls, but even then, in 1997, the trend was visible - the American Asian girls were dating white dudes. The straight Cantonese local girls dated mostly other Cantonese guys. Like any True Asian would stick to their own, but any West Exposed Asian would be looking for Westerners. I bridged the gap here a little, but in my own terms, I dated hotter Asian girls than white girls during this period of my life. I'm sure this is where many of our community might be getting all fucked up. If I were still in Townie, New England, I would have been dating nobody, hating life, feeling nothing but rejection, self loathing, and hatred for everyone else. In certain respects, I still did. Per our /hapas sidebar, I was drinking, smoking, getting all fucked up, any chance I got, all the time, at the beginning phase of being a teen and up. In Seoul Searching, the Virginia guy was really rather functional, compared to what I imagine most of us went through. His last line and conversation in the movie was a home run for me - "Dude why are you such an asshole?" -- "I'm the only Korean dude in Virginia, man, I have to be this way." Yup, that's it right there, where you're stuck is how fucked up all of you ended up being. Including me.
Eventually, like many good little Americans, I went to a giant State University, where there was much racial diversity to be had due to sheer numbers. In the early 2000's, 9/11 just happened, but the dotcom bubble was in hindsight, there was no facebook, no smartphones, and... I slept with every consenting female I could. At my State University, I had a freshman dorm, two white guys, and a Korean guy. White1 goes to Beta Beta Beta, white2 is a compsci major and does nothing but compsci all day, and Korean kid is my new best friend, who also joins the Asian frat. Within the Asian frat scene, there was a 100% AMAF pairing for the men, but the AF had some drift. Black dudes, white dudes, latin dudes, even me, Asian sororities had drift, but encouraged Asian, not openly, but all the mixer events were with the Asian frat, so it's a simple equation of time + exposure + alcohol. But I'm not in the Asian frat, I'm not Asian enough. Cool. And I'm DEFINITELY not in the white frats. Shit is not possible. Imagine a half black dude getting in there, at least he could have some token wingman value with the girls, a half Asian dude that looks Asian? Not a chance. The Asians from overseas all smoked, and drank, together; you have less of a chance breaking into that group than the frats. Not together like all of them together, I mean Koreans with Koreans, Chinese with Chinese, Japanese with Japanese, in this respect, the West-facing frat was at least unified under the Asiaman banner, rather than strictly staying cloistered with their own nationalities. After all, not enough Koreans to have a Korean frat, in most colleges, if there's an Asian frat at all. And there are no frats in Asia.
So, what's my common theme here. Hapas lose on both sides. We are an individual community, and perhaps our lives are not all identical, but I have more in common with you all than I do with any straight 100% race person of any sort. There is a lot of venting that happens around here, and I get it, your living situation is easily super shit. And as a hapa shit is usually shittier. Here are some tangent stories.
I knew a halfie from Garden Grove, CA. He was a half Korean half American dude, like me, but he was huge, like 6'3" football big, fists like sledgehammers. He was living in Beijing, his mom sent him there to live with his pastor Uncle because he was getting into too much gang shit with the Koreans in GG. I was friends with him for the two years he was living there, really liked the dude, but he took that hyung gang banger shit too seriously, like if I had a problem he'd be willing to throw down no questions. But I didn't need a brawl to solve my problems, but you know, he was like that. I was older than him, so I tried to tell him that there's more to life than repping your hood and all that, but it isn't like I had an alternate life for him to live that I could just give him. He goes back to GG, I have his email, I hit him up once in a while... no response. I see his ex girlfriend in Seoul a year later, and she says he is dead. I'm like wtf. Well, his Korean "hyungs" sent him into a house with a gun to collect some money, and by collect I mean forcefully collect, and here's the article:
http://www.michaelgingrich.com/mytests/05443.htm
So all of that mentions nothing of race, but... my halfie homeboy was sent in first, did all the wark, gets shot and killed, and the "hyung" runs away and flees the scene in the getaway car, gets away scot free. Halfies have died, people, and been sent to their death, proving themselves to the master races, the purebloods. Over some gangbanger bullshit. Hapas are exploitable by the purebloods, desperate to fit in, will do anything for acceptance. If you aren't dead by exploitation by the Fullies, then you are one step ahead right now.
Tangent story number 2. I lived as an English teaching scumbag sexpat in Beijing for 3 years. I know everything about sexpats, their wiles, their lives, their origins, and dabbled deep in their ways myself. As an Asian passing sexpat in China, I found myself with white envy for all my white buddies who could just show up in a bar and casually pick up piles of smoking hot Chinese girls with barely a ni hao. I guess nobody wants to hear this, but... male professionals that get sent to Asia, or get themselves sent to Asia, and are single, will usually end up with an Asian wife. It's just, so plainly going to happen, 100% of the time. A sexpat will victimize the local, but if you are a mere professional, and walk in with blinders on, guess what, you are the victim. You're the walking ATM, with a way to escape the local country to boot. Infinitely desirable. Both sides exploit both sides. Every white guy I knew in Beijing ended up marrying a Chinese girl, if they didn't move away. And half of the girls left the guy as soon as they were stateside, with their greencard in hand. The only ones that didn't leave the guys - yet - are the ones that are still in China. There's a little saying: if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. And if you can't make it in Beijing, you can't make it anywhere.
And so here we all are, united by our hapa ancestry, whatever that may be. Many opinions, many experiences, but hey, we're all mixed, and all mixed up. I like it. I like reading complaints, and venting, and bitching, and all your bullshit. This sub is not clearly motivated by any goal, any end game, the mods may want to push their agenda, but this is probably the largest collection of hapas anywhere on the interwebs. I have a lot of hapa friends, in fact, you might say I understand my hapa homies better than anyone else, but I don't know whether they lurk here or not.
I am married and have two kids, one Full Asian looking (like a carbon copy of myself), and one with brown hair and blue eyes. The day I heard a white kid call my Asian passing quapa son a chink was the day I pulled both my kids from public school and am home schooling them. Or at least, my wife is, I just kind of work and fund everything, I'm a grown ass adult. But let me say this, fuck school, fuck the admins, fuck the teachers, fuck the kids, and fuck the kids parents, for letting shit like that fly. My son had NO IDEA he was being racially targeted and laughed because the yt kids were laughing - at him - and it was heartbreaking.
For current goals for this sub, I'd like to see how people are handling the racism being dispensed on their kids, this is my biggest issue. I've long since come to terms with my hapa self - I hate everyone, and myself, so nobody can hurt me, and also, nobody is so special as to also not be hated by me for something. I've become Buddhist in my hatred, life is suffering, and I know all sides of the suffering, and hate anyone who causes suffering. In that way, I feel united with this sub. Anyone who causes suffering to my people, the hapas, is someone I can hate. However, I don't know how to raise my kids, perhaps throwing them to the public school wolves is the way to go, but why do that if I can raise them separately from those people, those animals, to be civilized humans, no need for them to gain the wisdom of suffering so early, right? My parents here are no help at all, they regard school is a default, and anything outside of the norm, again, is anti-confucian for my mother, and some weird liberal nonsense from my father's perspective.
Feel like this is long enough. I may contribute more to this sub in general, depending on the validation I get from you people. Some of you may accuse me of white worship, perhaps, just due to the way I've structured this post, but trust me, I worship nothing. Asian Passing non-white whitie married to a white girl checking out.

Tldr; I listen to way too many podcasts. Skip to the very bottom of this long-ass post to see my top recommendations. Titles are links (this subreddit's css, doesn't make that obvious)
I have loved podcasts for about 10 years, but for the last 3, due to my job, I have become a 40+ hour a week, power-listener. In that time my lists and recommendations have been very well-received on this sub, and since I'm leaving that job next month, I decided it was time to come up with a master list of my top recommendations across all categories.
First of all: These are just my opinions. If your favorite show didn't make this list, don't get mad at me, just go ahead and shout it out in the comments. I put a lot of thought into the ranking, but if you ask me next week I'll probably have changed my mind on a lot of it.
I have no qualifications to review podcasts except for the fact that I listen to way too many of them. Actually, the real reason I wanted to make this list was because I think the lists I've seen written by qualified reviewers are usually really bad, imo. I always feel like the reviewer has listened to like 60 podcasts, and is listing their top 50. I have no idea how many podcasts I've listened to but it's got to be in the thousands, and there are soooo many great shows out there, so I thought it's my duty to share.
100 shows is actually only a subset of the shows I like. At first this list grew to over 200 and I was still thinking of more. So I decided to cut it at my favorite 100 and I added three criteria to help cull it down:

1. It must be active: Some day I'll make a list of my favorite dead podcasts, but none are on this list.
   
2. It must have at least 10 episodes: I think 10 episodes in is a decent trial period. If I've listened to less than that I don't feel comfortable recommending it. Also there's a trend right now of shows putting out one 8-10 episode season, and then just never renewing to a second season. So, if it has more than 10 episodes, I feel like it has staying power.
   
3. It must be interesting for general audiences: Podcasts tend to be topical. That makes it a little tough to recommend them if I don't know you, because you might not be into the topic of the show. So I have only included shows that I think you don't need too much specific knowledge to enjoy (either because the topic is general, or because it's fun even for the non-initiated.)
   

I'm sure at some point I screwed up on those rules, but they were the guidelines I was working from.
Honorable Mentions: First here are some smaller podcasts that didn't quite make it into my top 100 but I still think you should check out:
This is why you're single, Doughboys, Do By Friday, Hopefully We Don't Break-Up, Roundtable of Gentlemen, Mental Illness Happy Hour, Sleepycast, James O'Brien's Mystery Hour, Nocturne Podcast, Quirks and Quarks, Put Your Hands Together, Book Shambles, Sex & Other Human Activities, Singing Bones, A Taste of the Past, We Fact Up, The Bridge, Step By Stapp, Return Home, Movie Sign with the Mads, Save it for the Show, The F Plus, Next Picture Show, Be Here For a While, Code Breaker, Goosebuds
Ok, with no further ado . . .
The List: In reverse order
100. I Tell My Husband the News, A news-reporter reads current headlines to her husband, who is a comedian. Not exactly cutting edge satire, but I love this show for the hosts' chemistry. They are super in love and incredibly cute together. They just make me happy. And their banter is usually legitimately funny.
99. You Must Remember This, True stories from old hollywood narrated over lush, old-fashioned movie music. The stories are great and give you a window into the crazy world of movies in the black and white era.
98. 8-Bit Book Club, Three funny nerds read through old novelizations of video games. The books are ridiculous and the hosts make fun of them mercilessly. Great host chemistry. Tons of fun.
97. Lore, Solo podcast exploring the stories and legends all around us. A tightly written and moodily produced show focused on the tall tales woven into our history.
96. Longform, Long conversations with writers of non-fiction. Good host and really interesting conversations. A bit slow compared to most of my other podcasts, but satisfying.
95. Superego, Very strange, slightly off-putting, free-association improv comedy. When it's bad it's just weird, when it's good it's magical.
94. Our Fake History, Single host show exploring misconceptions and pseudo-history. Like a Hardcore History for things that didn't actually happen. Host is great and topics are usually very interesting.
93. I Was There Too, Interviews with non-famous people who in some way worked on iconic scenes in famous movies. Fascinating if, like me, you have a love for pop-culture arcana.
92. Shut Up and Sit Down, Four British comedians talk about and occasionally play board games. Lot of fun, and a lot of goofballery. I don't play a lot of boardgames, but I've bought several because these guys made them sound fun.
91. I Saw That Years Ago, Two witty guys talk about movies they don't quite remember. The concept doesn't actually do much, this show is all about the chemistry between the hosts which is fantastic.
90. Duncan Trussel Family Hour, Comedian Duncan Trussel invites guests on for long rambling conversations. Stands out for Duncan's odd choice of guests and the unique, weird nature of the conversations he engages them in.
89. The Adventure Zone, Goofy brothers play Dungeons & Dragons. Took me several tries to get into this show (beginning's a little rough and I don't play D&D.) But I kept giving it chances because of some strong recommendations, and it does blossom into some really unique storytelling.
88. Planet Money, Very NPR show about money and our world and the interplay between economics and our daily life. Fun and listenable in spite of the dreary subject matter. Has some really great education about dollars and cents that we really should all be listening to.
87. Giant Bombcast, The crew of a gaming magazine get together and shoot the shit about games, life and everything in a long and rambling discussion.
86. Burnt Toast, Conversations and researched features on food, food culture, and it's relationship to daily life. Lovingly produced and charmingly performed. An absoulte delight.
85. Fireside Mystery Theatre, Storytelling and variety show done in front of a live audience. The stories are usually a lot of fun, and the theatre atmosphere adds a fun unique quality to it.
84. Opening Arguments, A lawyer and a comedian chat about the law. Sort of like Star Talk, but for legal questions. The hosts perfectly hit the balance of informative and engaging. Law affects all our daily lives and it's something that most people know bupkis about, and I love that this show does a great job of making it accessible.
83. Comedy Bang! Bang!, One of the old staples of podcasting. Loose format comedy show usually involving interviews followed by some light improv. Still a great show after all these years.
82. The Black Tapes, Ghost stories, but in the form of a "non-fiction" journalistic podcast. Really well-told with a dark and brooding tone. A weaker second season has dropped it in my esteem but still great.
81. Never Not Funny, Comedian plus celbrity guest ramble on about nothing in particular. Jimmy Pardo is a great host and has a wonderfully cutting sense of humor. One of the longest running big podcasts. Very rarely not funny.
80. Leicester Square Theatre Podcast, Comedian Richard Herring does one-on-one interviews with comedians in which he asks them stupid and ridiculous questions. Throws out the formal interview format and just has fun. Having a big live audience elevates it.
79. Rocket, A few tech journalists run a show about general geek topics, with an emphasis on tech. Perfect balance of smart informational chat and good host chemistry.
78. We're Alive, Audiodrama about a Zombie infestation. Very good writing and acting and probably the best-produced serial scripted story podcast. Great use of tension throughout.
77. Greg Proops Film Club, I've always loved Greg Proops' wacky smart-guy comedy, but his main podcast doesn't work for me as well as this one, where the theme of chatting about movies and geekery keeps him more on task. And through all the joking, he has a lot more interesting stuff to say than most of the serious movie podcasts.
76. Harmontown, Comedy writer Dan Harmon plus friends talk nonsense and generally have fun. Mostly funny with occasional seriousness. Harmon is a great lovable asshole and the podcast format is perfect for him. Does fun and interesting things with the basic talk-show format.
75. Smash Cut, Storytelling via dialogue collage. Wonderfully unique show that ranges from gripping to tragic to avant-guard. May be too weird for some, but hits a sweetspot for me.
74. Desert Island Discs, Celebrities are interviewed with the same question: If you were stuck on a desert island, what five albums would you want to have with you. Mostly a conversation about music, but it expands into a bigger conversation about the guest's life and influences.
73. No Such Thing As a Fish, The writers of a British trivia show go into depth on the obscure knowledge they've been researching and ramble on about arcane knowledge. Smart people chatting casually about smart things. Usually very interesting to listen to.
72. Blank Check, Movie discussion pod that perfectly hits the balance between smart discussion and levity. The premise is talking about director's who get license to do whatever they want (the titular blank check), but it's really a pretty freewheeling conversation. Phenomenal chemistry between the hosts.
71. The Future of Everything, Wall Street Journal's interesting impecabbly researched radio-style features on technologies and ideas that are pushing our world into an uncertain future.
70. The Memory Palace, Bite sized stories from 18th - 20th century history, told with interest and pathos. Focusing on the human story behind the story of our recent past.
69. The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air, Silly absurdist storytelling about a radio show that records in the Eiffel Tower. This show is not for everyone, but if it hooks you it is delightful and charming and always a joy to listen to.
68. Imaginary Worlds, Serious discussions exploring the quirky little details of the worlds of popular fantasy and sci-fi franchises. Done as a host monologue, interspersed with interviews of experts and fans. I love the way he parses out interesting aspects of those worlds and tries to envision how they would really work.
67. Hello From the Magic Tavern, Improv comedy set in a fantasy world with a diverse cast of funny improvisers playing far-out fantastical characters. Solidly funny and always fun to disappear into their goofy mythical world.
66. The Joe Rogan Experience, Interview show with all types of guests. One of the most succesful podcasts in the world. It's a bit love-it-or-hate-it, and while I mostly love it, it can get on my nerves at times. Very hard for me to rank this one for that reason. But I must say Joe Rogan is a great interviewer and everyone should give it a try for themselves and find out which side they fall on.
65. In Our Time, Big, heavy intellectual discussions of very serious topics in history, art and culture. This one might be a bit too smart for me, tbh, but I try and when I can hook into a topic it's immensely satisfying.
64. Hello Internet, Two internet smart guys chat casually about smart and obscure subjects. There's actually not that much to this show, but the hosts are great and they have a very unique chemistry.
63. The Infinite Monkey Cage, British-style panel show where a couple comedians and a couple scientists get together an tackle a difficult science topic and try to find answer. Unlike a lot of science shows, they don't shy away from talking actual science, but the chemistry of the hosts keeps the show always entertaining.
62. Wolf 359, Narrative sci-fi podcast. Intriguing space travel story with a quirky sense of humor and good sound design to create a solid sense of atmosphere. Starts simple and blossoms into an awesome story.
61. The Thrilling Adventure Hour, Comedians do a parody of an old-fashioned radio play in front of a live audience. So much fun. Best moments are when it breaks down. Was dead for a long time but there have been recent occasional releases so I'm considering it alive and putting it on this list.
60. Doug Loves Movies, Comedian Doug Benson has several celebrity guests on each episode to talk movies and play games. The quintessential podcast for me. Slightly too lose and quirky to ever have worked as a radio show. Usually funny and always fun.
59. a16z, Science and Tech podcast with interviews of actual scientists doing cutting edge work. Can be a bit dry, but I love how in depth it is, and that it doesn't dumb it down to a grade school level like a lot of similar shows.
58. The Football Ramble, Four dudes with amazing chemistry talking bullshit and football (soccer) and just generally mocking each other and having a blast while doing it. I listen to a lot of sports podcasts but few are so good (and general-audience friendly enough) that I would recommend them to all podcast listeners. But this one is just tons of fun.
57. Theory of Everything, Loose think-pieceish conversations about life and technology and the connections between things. Really interesting and well thought-out.
56. The Truth, Short non-serial audio dramas. Stories range from serious to silly, often strange and off-kilter. Very well produced and performed, but the best part is the writing, which is awesomely creative and interesting.
55. Reply All, One of many thinkpiece shows on this list. This one sets itself apart by focusing on internet-related stories. There's a whimsical nature to the hosts which gives the show a unique sort of charm.
54. Spontaneanation, Paul F Tompkins has an interview with a famous person and then leads a long-form improv scene. Usually very funny simply because Tompkins is so funny.
53. Candidate Confessionals, Interviews with losing candidates (or people who worked on losing campaigns) done as sort-of autobiographies telling the story of how a campaign fails. Fascinating deconstruction of politics from a new angle. Refreshingly honest at times.
52. Mouth Time!, Absurdist show that parodies the vapid beauty mag culture but taken to the extreme. Part way between absurdism, improv comedy, and an actual pop cultuer podcast.
51. The Black List Table Read, Audio performances of industry movie scripts that haven't gotten made. The concept is fabulous and the actors do a great job. Unique storytelling podcast with wonderful production. Some of the scripts are really great. Held back a bit by the fact that movie scripts aren't always written to be read out loud.
50. 2 Dope Queens, Two sassy ladies host a comedy podcast with guests that chat with them or do their stand-up acts. Love the energy of the hosts. Generally great when the guests are good.
49. Harry Potter and the Sacred Text, Two divinity professors use their techniques of scholarly bibilcal analysis on the Harry Potter books. Silly concept but they take it completely seriously. The result is part deep textual dive into the Potter-verse, and part reflection/conversation on life in general. Wonderfully introspective. Somehow both heavy and light at the same time.
48. Monday Morning Podcast, Weekly show of the ramblings of comedian Bill Burr. Zero production or planning, just unfiltered Bill, who delivers the entire show in his trademark angry monologue. Usually funny, but that's not the reason it made this list: What makes this show stand out for me is its personal and honest nature. If you can get past Burr's abrassiveness, definitely worth a listen.
47. The Adam Buxton Podcast, Comedian interviews celebrities. It's hard to stand out in this crowded genre, but this show does due to the host's magnetism and energy, and the quirkiness of the show's production, with little songs throughout (including the ads), and lots of silly digressions. And at it's heart, Adam is an excelent interviewer who gets a lot out of his guest.
46. Anxious Machine, Introspective think-pieces about the human mind and how it works in human society. Usually done through interview intersperced with host commentary. The stories sit in a sweetspot between the personal and the general in a unique way.
45. The Flop House, Three guys watch a bad movie and talk about it. The real joy, though, is in the constant flights of fancy when they say something dumb or misspeak that cascade into jokes that they follow to their logical conclusion. At its best it’s a top 10 podcast, but I feel like its lost some of its fastball lately, so its fallen on my list.
44. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast, I think Gottfried is one of the funniest guys in show business. This is his interview show, where he talks mostly to comedians, mostly about comedy. If you can handle his voice, it's a really wonderful show.
43. Laser Time, Friends shooting the shit is probably the most common podcast genre, and one that I listen to a lot of, but not a lot of those made this list because while they may be listenable, they are rarely notable. Laser Time is a major exception in that the chemisty of the hosts and the odd specificity of the pop culture arcana they talk about makes the show consistently fun and fascinating.
42. How did this get Made?, Three comedians and a guest review bad films. This show might be lost among the sea of decent/good comedy podcasts if not for the work of Jason Mantzoukas, who is imo the funniest man in podcasting.
41. This Feels Terrible, Comedienne interviews other comedians about dating and love and relationships. Host has a lovely easy style that is good for getting people talking about really personal stuff. Has great chemistry with most guests.
40. Beef and Dairy Network Podcast, Comedy podcast pretending (with a completely straight face) to be an actual beef and dairy specialty pod. The result is very high-quality absurdist comedy.
39. Here's The Thing, Alec Baldwin interviews celebrities. The tone is very NPR but Baldwin keeps it a bit tighter than your average radio show. TBH, most of the time when a famous person decides they want a podcast the show ends up sucking hard, but Baldwin is a charming and natural host and consitently gets great guests. I know some people hate this show but I find it consistently great.
38. My Favorite Murder, Two entertaining women talk through and dissect the details of a real-life grisly murder and generally try and figure out whodunit. Keep it pretty light considering how serious the subject matter is but it works because of how fun and interesting the hosts are. (Though it is guilty of my biggest podcast pet-peeve: Taking forever to start the show.)
37. The Bugle, News and Politics satire with an absurdist twist. Three years ago this was a top-5 podcast for me and then they went on a long hiatus and lost John Oliver. Still great and slowly working its way back up the ranks.
36. Guys We Fucked, Filthy comedy show that's secretly a positive look at serious issues relating to sexuality. The hosts have a good time and keep it light. Their chemistry makes the show great.
35. Common Sense, Very heady current events discussion from an outside-the-box perspective. The host is a provocateur who tries to challenge your preconceptions about government and society. I don't always agree with him but he always opens my eyes at the gaps in my own thinking.
34. Revisionist History, Malcolm Gladwell's odd little examinations of historical events from a new perspective are fantastic. The first season was very well-thought out, although still finding it's voice. I was very glad that it returned in time to have enough episodes to make itself elligible for this list.
33. Love + Radio, Interesting people tell their stories in extended, tightly edited interviews. The people are usually non-famous people who have done remarkable things in their lives. Good production and good stories.
32. 99% Invisible, Little think pieces about design and it's role in our everyday life. Impecably researched and always interesting, with a wonderfully charming delivery from its host.
31. The Hilarious World of Depression, Comedian interviews comedians about depression and how it shapes their lives. Genius concept that perfectly hits the sweetspot of using humor to enlighten dark subjects. Fairly new and still finding its feet, but already one of my favorite shows.
30. Radiolab, Reporters explore fascinating and mysterious stories usually in the realm of science and nature and wind their way to answers in a series of tightly cut together interviews. Really tightly produced (sometimes too much so) and very well researched, this show is one of the most iconic podcasts in the medium.
29. Death, Sex & Money, Very personal stories about the big decisions in everyday people's lives, done in interviews in a journalistic style. Very heavy sometimes, but really great. Really digs into the real stuff in people's lives.
28. You Made it Weird, Very long in-depth celebrity interviews with comedian Pete Holmes as host. A mirror-universe version of WTF, with a young-happy host rather than an angry older one. This doesn't have the same bite as WTF, but it replaces it with a wonderful sense of joy. Both hosts have mastered the art of the long interview.
27. Reveal, Serious journalism, but with a slightly more of a conversational tone and more production to make it a more entertaining version of a news show. Nevertheless, the subject matter is heavy, and often deadly serious.
26. Overdue, A couple funny dudes talk through great classic novels while riffing and making jokes. Spot-on chemistry and a perfect combination of high-brow art and low-brow comedy.
25. Relic Radio, I love that podcasts are bringing back the audiodrama, an artform basically dead for forty years. But few of the new ones can match the originals, back when there was a big industry of daily and weekly shows and hundreds of professional actors and writers churning them out. Relic Radio lovingly curates from over 30 years of successful but forgotten shows to present them to a modern audience. The stories, while old-fashioned, are amazing, well-performed and fully produced with original music.
24. Savage Lovecast, Call-in advice show about love, sex and life. Whet sets it apart is the kind and charismatic host, who has a gift for cutting to the heart of complex questions. Advice shows are a bit overdone, but he manages to elevate the format with his frankness and his ability to connect the problems we have in our loves, to larger questions we have about our selves.
23. Crimetown, In depth audio documentary on organized crime in a big city (season 1 was on Providence.) Really well told story that feels tight and informative, while staying entertaining, mostly because the stories themselves are so engaging.
22. Modern Love, Essays and stories about love in the modern world, read by famous actors. The pieces themselves are incredible, both joyful and heart-wrending. They often interview the author after, which sometimes makes me wish they would just have the author read it (due to the personal nature of the stories.)
21. Wooden Overcoats, Scripted comedic audiodrama about competing funeral homes on a small British island. Very witty. Wonderfully funny and charming. Has probably the best character voice acting in scripted podcasts.
20. Invisibilia, This podcast describes itself somewhat grandly as exploring the invisible things that shape everyday life. What it is, is a damn good radio-style interview think-piece show, with an emphasis on the patterns of human behavior. I love the light touch that the hosts give to the show. With a penchant for giving more questions than answers (in a good way).
19. The Best Show with Tom Scharpling, Cult show that started in radio over a decade ago and slowly got weirder as it went. It's an ironic impersonation of a radio call-in show. This is definitely not for everyone; many of you will hate this show. But if you like it you will likely end up loving it. The host is a mad genius of twisting the radio format without ever totally breaking it. Best known for insulting and abusing his call-in listeners.
18. WTF, An angry old comedian interviews famous people in great depth. Marc Maron's gift is in getting people speaking from the heart, and in breaching personal subjects that don't usually get talked about in interviews. WTF is often funny, usually fascinating and occasionally heartbreaking.
17. Alice Isn't Dead, Weird, creepy, wonderfully produced and performed fictional story about a woman on a journey to find someone she lost. Uniquely moody and moving. Poetic to the point that it might be considered self-indulgent, so it might not be for everyone. But if you dive in, it's an incredible journey.
16. The Moth, Personal stories told by a wide set of writers in front of a live audience. Usually funny and often touching in a smart-NewYorker-piece sort of way. Curated from a larger set of stories, and it shows: The stories are more consistently good than most of these types of shows.
15. The Church of What's Happening Now, Comedian Joey Coco Diaz plus guest (usually comedians) trade life-stories. Diaz is really funny, as are most of his guests, but what stands out is Diaz's unique comedic voice and how he can talk about the really heavy stuff in his life in a funny way. And he is just overflowing with stories. He has had a crazy life.
14. Strangers, Tough, beautiful personal stories examined in interviews with leather-voiced Lea Thau (I mean that in a good way: love her voice, it's like a smoked Nina Simone). It's like little audio documentaries about everyday people who have been through extraordinary personal turmoil. Beautiful stories, beautifully told.
13. The Mortified Podcast, Grown-ups read their childhood journals to a live audience along with embarassing stories and memories about being kids. On one level it's really funny to hear their skewed childhood perceptions but also there's something amazingly cathartic about sharing in the embarassment. At least for me, being able to laugh at it makes me feel better about my own messed up childhood, and realize that all the stuff I was trying to hide, is the exact same stuff that everyone else was feeling as well.
12. Snap Judgment, Great true-stories told by the people who lived through them, over some sick beats and tight riffs, all pulled together by my favorite host in podcasting.
11. Here Be Monsters, Wonderful stories about suffering and hate and love and all the crazy things that are going on in the human soul. Told mostly through solo interviews with lightly intersperced music and production. The show is very heavy, but very listenable and very real.
10. The Film Reroll, Rotating crew of actors and comedians pick a famous movie and improvise a new version of it with license that anything can happen. Hilarity ensues. The new movies are sublime and ridiculous and often better than the original. They use a dice system to run their stories like a game so they can't decide in advance what will happen. Brilliant concept, perfectly executed. Probably the most pure fun in podcasting.
9. This American Life, Pastiche of stories about the American experience, told in a jounalistic style through interviews. Sometimes sad, sometimes joyful, always interesting. Many smarter things have been said about this show than I can say. Many of the podcasts on this list are in response to or immitation of This American Life, but the original continues to be one of the best examples of the format.
8. Risk!, Similar to the Moth, people come on to tell their personal stories. I go back and forth between the two of them as to which I like more. Where the Moth has stories that are more cleverly written, this show feels more real and visceral. The storytellers are less likely to be writers, so we get less polished stories. But this show ultimately gets the nod for me with going to dark places of profound personal drama. Varies greatly in tone from episode to episode, but has been consistently great for a long time now.
7. My Dad Wrote a Porno, A host and his two friends go chapter-by-chapter through his dad's erotic novel, constantly disecting and laughing about the bizarre and terrible writing. This might honestly be the funniest show in podcasting right now. And while it's mostly light-hearted humor, there's something very compelling about the bizarre view into a man's relationship with his father that comes out from the show's premise.
6. Beautiful/Anonymous, Long phone conversations with anonymous callers who tell personal stories about their lives. The host is a comedian, but he doesn't try to be funny most of the time, keeping a balance between respecting the story and injecting levity when needed. Brilliantly simple yet unique concept and executed perfectly.
5. Welcome to Nightvale, Bizarre, absurdist poeetry, delivered hypnotically in the form of a local radio bulletin, mixed with wonderful music for ambience and as breaks in the main show. Welcome to Nightvale is honestly pretty hard to describe. It's funny and dark and compelling and weird all at once. It's completely unique, and it's definitely not for everyone, but if it's for you, it's can be transformative.
4. Song Exploder, Musicians break down the making of their songs, pulling out and explaining individual tracks and showing you how the song works piece by piece and ultimately how they work. Lovely and unique podcast for music lovers and noobies alike.
3. PRI's the World, You could argue this is the best show in podcasting and it's basically a news show, but not your typical cable news fare. Reporters go around the globe and go in depth with local topics and how they affect the world and what they mean to all of us. These are all human stories, with all the pathos and weight of great fiction, but done in interview with real people. Heavy show but very listenable in spite of the seriousness.
2. Criminal, Stories at the extremes of the human experience, told through interviews in a semi-journalistic style. Perfect blend of story-telling and introspection. Captures these wonderfully twisted stories with a matter-of-fact style that succeeds in putting you in the shoes of the people in the stories, and make you reconsider your preconceptions about the topic. Love the pacing and music on this show as well. Perfectly produced.
1. Hardcore History, Powerful stories from the past, told passionately and intelligently. Dan Carlin has a gift for the dramatic, keeping the narrative human and personal while still showing you the great sweep of history. At its heart it's just great epic storytelling, you could easily forget that it's technically learning. But then he'll make some point that makes you realize these were real people with real feelings, and these stories created the world as we live in it. This show awakened in me a totally new understanding of our world. In spite of how many podcasts I listen to, it was pretty easy to choose which one I feel is the best. Warning: very long episodes.
EDIT: Formatting

11 May - 19 June Japanese Pottery - The Rising Generation from Traditional Japanese Kilns at the Wallace Arts Centre, Pah Homestead. Exhibitions at the Wallace Arts Centre.
2 - 24 June Auckland Festival of Photography. Facebook and twitter @AklPhotoFest

• 27 May - 2 July Ferreting on Ponsonby Road: Sait Akkirman at Gus Fisher Gallery.
• 27 May - 2 July Teaching a Butterfly to Swim at Gus Fisher Gallery. Photos by John Savage who was given access to rehersals of Douglas Wright's Black Milk. Words by John Savage and Douglas Wright.
• 1 - 30 June 10am - 4pm ‘The Residents’ - Azita Agnew. Photo exhibition at Cornwall Park Information Centre.
• 2 - 25 June Wednesday - Sunday 10:30am - 4:30pm The Art of Falling Apart at Alberton, 100 Mt Albert Rd, Mt Albert. Free. An exhibition of Auckland region urbex photos. Beautiful Ruins. The Wireless. 8 June 2016.

18 June - 16 July Matariki Festival 2016. Also Matariki events at Auckland libraries
19 June International Yoga Day

• 9am - 11am Yoga Day with The Art of Living Foundation at Vodafone Events Centre, Manukau. Reporting time 8:45am. Free. BYO mat/towel + water bottle.
• 10:30am - 1:30pm Join in Yoga Day in Onehunga at Sir William Jordan Leisure Centre, 5 Pearce Street, Onehunga. Gold coin donation. BYO mat/towel.

19 June 2016 10:30am and 11:30am Pick & Mix: New Zealand Opera – The Elixir of Love at Bruce Mason Centre, Cnr Hurstmere Rd & The Promenade, Takapuna. Free.
20 June 12pm - 1pm Under the Southern Stars: Pacifica Voices at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Speakers: Robert Sullivan, Serie Barford, Albert Wendt and James George. Writers lounge. Facebook page and event. Free.
21 June 7.30am-9.30am A Can For A Coffee at goodness gracious, 2A New North Rd, Eden Tce. Simply trade a can for a free coffee. All proceeds will be donated to the Auckland City Mission.
21 June 7pm - 8:15pm Yoga Day celebration at Mt Albert War Memorial Hall, 751 New North Rd. Free. BYO mat/towel. Poster (pdf). Meditation New Zealand.
23 June 6:30pm - 8:30pm Brooklyn Winter season of films at Onehunga library and Community Centre foyer. Free.
25 June 2016 10:30am and 11:30am Pick & Mix: New Zealand Dance Company – Tamaki Tour at Lower NZI, Aotea Centre. Free.
25 June 12pm - 3pm The Minnie Street Community Day - Garden Party and Working Bee at Minnie St, Eden Terrace.
25 June 12pm - 1pm Helene Wong and Roseanne Liang: A Conversation about Being Chinese at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Free.
25 June Global Reddit Meetup Day 3pm @ The Bluestone Room
25 June NZ Hot Sauce Festival at Sweat Shop Brew, Auckland. NZ Hot Sauce Festival Facebook page and event.

• Final of NZ Chilli Eating Champs 2016 at Sweat Shop Brew, Auckland. Facebook page. Chilli eating competition comes with warning. NZ Herald. 12 June 2016. Chilli eating championship heats up. Te Waha nui. 13 June 2016.

26 June 2016 10:30am and 11:30am Pick & Mix: New Zealand Dance Company – Tamaki Tour at Bruce Mason Centre, Cnr Hurstmere Rd & The Promenade, Takapuna. Free.
26 June 2016 11am - 4pm Puketāpapa Manu Aute Kite Day at Winstone Park, 1129 Dominion Rd, Mt Roskill. No parking on the summit. A shuttle will operate for limited-mobility visitors.
27 June 12pm - 1pm Memoir Revolution: Why people are writing memoir and autobiography at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Free. Writers lounge. Facebook page.
29 June 6pm Film for Foodies: Dough at Rialto Cinemas Newmarket.
30 Jun - 11 Sep Kōrero Mai, Kōrero Atu at Auckland Museum. Page on Auckland Museum site.
30 June 7pm Happy Flight Free Monthly Japanese film screenings. at University of Auckland's General Library Building Lecture Theatre 109-B10, 5 Alfred St.
2 July 10am - 4pm PATEA MAORI CLUB to Teach Their Song POI E at Corban Estate Matariki Festival. Shed 2, Corban Estate Arts Centre, . Facebook event. Poi E - Patea Maori Club, the YouTube video of the song. Lyrics. New
2 July 7:30pm - 9pm Liberty Bell – An Independence Day Celebration at Ormiston Senior College, Ormiston Road, Manukau. Manukau Concert Band with some musical fireworks. $10 per adult. Kids free with paying adult. Supper for a donation.
3 July 10am - 3pm Lego Show at Kohia Terrace School, Epsom. $8. Fundraiser for the Fiji Sabeto School and Loloma orphanage.
3 July 1:30pm - 4pm Tartan Day Tattoo Celebrations 2016 at North Shore Events Centre. Poster (pdf). Free.
4 July 12pm - 1pm The emerging voice: new writers at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Free. Writers lounge. Facebook page.
6 July 12;15 The God of Ramen Free Monthly Japanese film screenings. at Massey University, Albany.
7 - 16 July 8pm Edges at Galatos. Facebook event. Shows are on Thursday-Saturday. Rebel Theatre. Facebook. New
9 July 10am - 4pm Mt Eden Village Craft Market at Mt Eden Village Centre.
11 July 12pm - 1pm An Hour with Charlotte Grimshaw at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Free. Writers lounge. Facebook page.
14 July 7pm - 15 July 1am Music Is Love - Hope For The Homeless at The Studio, 340 K Rd. A live concert to raise the much-needed funds and give 100% of proceeds to the Te Puea Marae. The line up includes: Three Houses Down, Sons of Zion, Tomorrow People, Che Fu, Pieter T (PT), Swiss and DJ Hemz. Music is Love. New Kiwi musicians band together for homeless. Newshub. 20 Jun 2016. Kiwis Tomorrow People, Sons of Zion, and Che Fu tame up to combat homelessness. Stuff. June 21 2016.
14 - 31 July NZ International Film Festival 2016.
15 - 30 July Auckland Zinefest 2016. Facebook New

• 16 - 17 July 24 Hour Zine Making Challenge
• 24 July 11am - 4pm Zine Market at Auckland Art Gallery

18 July 12pm - 1pm Digging for the Truth: journalism in the 21st Century at Auckland Art Gallery's Auditorium. Speakers: Toby Manhire and Dita De Boni. Host: David Slack. Free. Writers lounge. Facebook page.
21 July 6:30pm - 8:30pm Amy Winter season of films at Onehunga library and Community Centre foyer. Free.
22 July 7pm - 10pm. Friends of Friends Gig at Dogs Bollix. Gold coin koha collection for Black Sheep Animal Sanctuary. New
23 July 8am - 6:30am Gather 2016 at Ormiston Senior College. An unconference used to be Auckland Barcamp. Tickets are on sale now.
28 July 7pm The God of Ramen Free Monthly Japanese film screenings. at University of Auckland's General Library Building Lecture Theatre 109-B10, 5 Alfred St.
31 July 10am - 4pm Auckland Fair. Maker roll call. If it is like previous fairs, they will blog about each maker until the fair day. Facebook and twitter @aucklandfair.
Recurring events
Listing these here in case I forget to update the list above.

• 18 June - 4 September Pick & Mix. FREE series of weekend performances and workshops showcasing the funniest, bendy-est and most artistically excellent performers this side of the Tasman Sea. Format: 45 min performance followed by 45min workshop. Venues Mangere Arts Centre, North Shore’s Bruce Mason Centre and Aotea Centre & Auckland Town Hall.
• Free Monthly Japanese film screenings. at Massey University, Albany on first Wednesday of the month from 12:15 and at University of Auckland on the last Thursday of the month from 19:00.
• 29 July - 21 October Free Lunchtime Concerts every Friday 1pm at Music Theatre, University of Auckland's School of Music, 6 Symonds St. Check the dates on the page or NICAI events page or facebook page.
• Sundays @5 Series on Sundays at 5pm at Music Theatre, University of Auckland's School of Music, 6 Symonds St. Some are free and some aren't. Next concerts are 24 July; 7, 14 + 28 August and 18 Sept.
• Poetry Live on every Tuesday from 8pm at The Thirsty Dog, 469 K'Rd, Auckland.
• Salsa every Friday night 11pm - 3am at the Mexican Cafe on 67 Victoria St, CBD. DJ King Salsa spins the turntables and A professional salsa dancer is on the floor at 10:30pm to guide beginners. Entry is free and restricted to 18 and over.

Free fitness sessions/classes

• Every Saturday 8am Park Run. Free weekly 5km runs at Western Springs, Barry Curtis and Cornwall Park. Suitable for all fitness and ages.
  
• 26 May - 8 December 9:30am - 12pm Out and About - Ranger Walk and Talk or 2016 programme. Free.
  
• 9 May - 30 June 3.30pm-4.30pm Out and About - Winter Park Sport at various parks around Auckland. Free.
  
• Saturdays 9:30am - 10:30am BollyWorkx New Lynn at New Lynn Community Centre, 45 Totara Avenue, New Lynn. Gold coin donation.
  
• Wednesdays 6:30pm - 7:30pm Bollyworx Mt Roskill at Mt Roskill War Memorial Hall, 13 May Road, Mt Roskill. Gold coin donation.
  
• Pacific Exercise Programmes in your Community. Heart Foundation's page of free or low cost exercise programmes. Title implies it is aimed at Pacific Islanders.
  
• Fq.co.nz's list of free group fitness classes. It isn't dated. I think some of them are still happening. eg Lululemon free yoga classes - Britomart Auckland store events, Nike+ Studio and Adidas run club
  
• Newmarket Free Fitness meetup group. Not sure if this is still going since there's no new events created since August 2015.
  
• If you are after running events, check out http://www.coolrunning.co.nz/
  

FYI This will be a continually growing list until I create a new What's on in Auckland post. Compare last post with this post on the day it was created. Please check back regularly.
If you wish to have events listed, just post a comment with as much info as possible.
I try to be as accurate as possible. Let me know if there's corrections required.