Our tween is too big to sleep with the grownups on their self inflating mattress so looking for another one. We currently have vango Shangri-la 10 grandes but they are a bit too big packed down for our space in the car. Is there such thing as a self inflating single mattress thar packs down small in the UK? I have seen other people recommending things like the thermo rest neoair lite or the exped mats which look good, especially with the fancy bag to inflate (we won't always be beside the car to use an electric pump).But are they fairly durable? The vangos have lasted us 5 years no problem so don't need to spend the same amount of money for a mattress that doesn't last as long. Any other suggestions would be appreciated :)

Hello, I suppose I am writing this for some advice and to put my situation out there.
I am a graduate teacher with ADHD fortunate enough to be offered a position at a special ed school after working as a relief ES for about 6 months during my studies. For context I am not trained in special, my methods are history and humanities. This adjustment has been very difficult for me, as my placements have only involved teaching highschool hums and history. In my current role I teach an intellectually low/mid/highish year 7 class. I am required to teach my class English, Maths, Humanities, Personal Development (including career ed) each week.
In term 1 I struggled but got through it. I have three very behaviourally difficult students who basically need constant attention. One who can become very aggressive and violent. As well as I was overwhelmed by the work load, having to constantly deal with each students needs during lessons, paranoid that my students will flip out. I also had to write full IEPs for each of my students which was crazy difficult. But term one ended on a high-note as particularly difficult student was quite well behaved in the last week. Excuse the star wars reference, but term one kinda finished like a new hope; difficult, but I made it.
The holidays started well, I even missed the school in the first week. Then during the second week I started to panic and stress out about going back.
Term 2 feels like the empire strikes back, and not in a good way. I feel like all my progress has disappeared. I am struggling to keep up with all the things I need to do, I forget to read and respond to the constant emails, check my student diaries, write incident reports. I struggle to complete my work programs. I can barely function outside of giving a lesson directly, like all my free periods are unproductive because I feel so worn out and by the end of the day I am so out of brain juice I can't do any work and feel absent at meetings. I always come into work about 50 mins early to catch up by planning the day ahead. I haven't even looked at each students 3, 5-week IEP goals and have avoided talking about them entirely, because I feel so overwhelmed with what I have to do currently, I cannot comprehend planning for and incorporating them into my lessons.
In week 1 of term 2 the data came out around incident reports and it seems my particularly difficult student had the most incident reports in the school. Which was distressing because he fits the typical very difficult but really 'street smart' student that is so close to being a great student if only i could help them archetype. Then in the second week this student ran away for 48 hours, full missing persons report and all. Which was very stressful. He rocked up to school a couple of days later having stayed at another students house. He returned with the most challenging behaviour I had yet faced, a situation where I had to deal with all my sweet little year 7s saying how scared they are.
Then in week 3, he really flipped when the maths specialist came to model a lesson for me, where he was aggressively physically and verbally harassing a student, hitting an ES across the face, and charged towards the student he was harassing with scissors, this was followed by nearly 2 hours of him knocking and hitting the door trying to get into the room. All my students were saying how scared they were and I felt like I was useless. Eventually he was escorted to get his bag so me and the ES assumed that the student he was harassing would be safe during lunch, but as I was taking this student to where he usually plays at lunch I noticed that the violent student was just sitting with his mates like nothing happened. he was just let out to lunch. And ofc he assaulted the student he was harassing. Later that lunch he got his large group of mates to encircle a fellow graduate year 7 teacher repeatedly telling one of her students to punch her in the head from behind. For this he was suspended for one day. After school me and some colleagues were discussing the events and our distress, with two reinforcing us saying that if we need a mental health day we really should take it and not feel bad. Minutes later, the AP in charge of our section told me and the other graduate that we "better be back tomorrow" and to get "back on that horse" all with a smile. Since that day I have not really had a good nights sleep and found it really had to switch off.
Anyways so after that he returns a day later a real menace, and I had to go home with a migraine due to the stress. I ended up taking the next day off as well.The day I was not there, he had been suspended for three days because he pulled a chair from under an ES causing her to fall. Resulting in a three day suspension.
With all that has happened this term, and not being properly trained in special needs, on top of the immense workload, diminishing amount of sick leave and realisation that my school is inept and seemingly incapable of creating a safe space, despite every meeting revolving around student safety. I feel an impending sense of doom.
Any suggestions on what to do would be really nice.

Ever since I was very young, I remember being turned on by odd things. A doritos commercial where a dog put a collar on his owner as he was swallowing a bite of food and the man started choking. That scene from Robin Williams “Hook” where a pirate is locked in a treasure chest that later has scorpions dumped into it as a punishment. I have many experiences and memories like this dating as far back as late elementary school.
When I first started watching porn, everything was a turn on until I discovered the search term “forced” which I started exclusively using. This was back when sites like PornHub and xVideos were letting any random shit onto their website and really had no ethical guidelines or verification systems. There’s one video I recall in particular where people in the comments were complaining about how this was probably a real rape and how that was a massive turn off, and while I agreed that it likely was a real rape, that actually made it way more of a turn on for me.
As I got a little bit older and went into high school, I got into my first fight. The fight was instigated by bystanders, as neither of us really wanted to fight but we both agreed to it. He agreed because he likely felt social pressure, and I just wanted to spice up my day. I end up beating him up and loving every second of it. By the end of the fight, I’m trying to conceal a massive…. Well, you know. Every part of it was euphoric. Seeing him wince when my fist connected drove me crazy. The blood from his nose. The torn up clothes. Everything. It was almost a magical feeling.
Obviously, this led me down a strange path in high school where I was constantly getting into fights purely for the sexual gratification of it. This almost got me expelled over the long run and I ended up having to do many hours of community service after talking my way out of a trip to juvenile. When I went to community service, all of the guys there were bigger than me and stronger than me, so instead of fighting them, I lied about why I was there. I didn’t tell them it was for fighting, I told them it was because I was going to shoot up my school, and being fellow highschool kids, they were dumb enough to believe it. This made them all scared of me, and I used their walking on eggshells as a way to start physically imposing myself onto them. Their visible discomfort was a massive turn on for me, I couldn’t get enough of that feeling.
Fast forward past high school and community service, things go normal for a couple of years, and I enter the real world. I got a job as a line cook because it’s easy and the pay is decent. I started taking MMA classes to help me with my urges, and there’s another student who, despite refusing to quit, is very physically and mentally pathetic. He’s constantly whining, complaining, crying over inconsequential injuries / inconveniences, etc. It’s almost too much for me to handle at times. The instruction at this MMA gym is poor in the sense that they let anyone, even total beginners / people who have no business sparring, spar with each other. I ask him to spar with me, and I start picking him apart, being very careful as to inflict the minimal damage required to make him feel pain / hesitation without actually hurting him bad enough that the sparring is stopped.
I have never felt a feeling like this. Him being completely helpless as I humiliated him was incredible. He couldn’t get past the range of my jab, he couldn’t defend from my leg kicks so I kept bruising up and punishing his soft thighs, I even let him try to take me down with all of his strength and he couldn’t budge me because I was about 2x his size and significantly more athletic than he was. It was so adorable. I wanted nothing more than to pin him down right there and toy with him so I could hear him start whining again. I’ve never exercised more collective self-control in my entire life than I had to in that singular moment.
This year alone, I’ve had 8 different hookups that were simply boring. I figured if I treated it as a numbers game, eventually I’d run into someone who is just as into receiving pain and humiliation as I am inflicting it, but I was wrong. All of the sex was very vanilla and feels like a total waste of time. It’s caused me to start doubting myself, because every time I talk with an attractive woman I’m thinking about sleeping with, I start getting thoughts like “This is going to be just like the last time, nobody is into what you’re into, you’re wasting your breath, you’re just going to get stuck having more boring, unsatisfactory sex.” It’s lonely, to be honest. Some chicks aren’t totally vanilla, they’re into light spanking and hair pulling, but I don’t really enjoy that stuff. I’m more of a “choke you until your face is blue and your vision is blurry” kind of guy. I genuinely feel like I might never meet the right person for me or have friends who understand what I really am.
My grandparents ask me questions like “when will you bring a pretty girl home for us to meet?” and it’s hard to explain that away when I can’t just be honest with them. I’m sexually and romantically incompatible with the vast majority of people despite trying my hand at lots of casual sex with both men and women. When I’m not in the gym, I spend my days doing drugs by myself and watching UFC, boxing, BJJ, and street fight compilations to rustle my jimmies. One sided beatdowns and unfair matchups are my favorite.
Sometimes I play video games, but even then, my problems resurface. The skill gap between me and my opponents is often so large that I intentionally prolong the game just so I can infinitely punish the mistakes in their poor play, and the more they rage and yell and cuss and get upset or beg me to stop and just end the game already, and the more I tease them, the more euphoric the experience feels. Eventually they catch on to what I’m doing and tell me they’re reporting me for making them feel extremely uncomfortable, but it’s not easy to ban a player just for having an intentionally aggravating playstyle, so I never actually get in trouble.
I’m supposed to go to college soon, and I have no idea how the hell I’m going to concentrate or get anything done. This wouldn’t be an issue if it only happened on occasion, but it’s a constant presence in my life. It seeps into everything I do. I once got into a vicious political debate in highschool with someone from my school’s debate club, but at some point I had shifted from the topic at hand to their obvious stress from how heated the conversation had gotten. Their pupils dilating, their hands getting sweaty, their breaths getting more shallow, and I started intentionally spiking the anxiety they were feeling by actively calling out the symptoms of it and trying to humiliate them over how pathetic it was. They started crying at some point and ran off and the whole experience was fantastic. Their best friend approached me a few days later and told me this person is struggling to sleep at night and can’t stop thinking about what I did to them, almost like symptoms of PTSD, and I honestly love that. I think about it quite often and please myself to those thoughts, as well.
I’ve only told one person about who I really am underneath the facade of your polite, every day average Joe I walk around wearing, and they stopped associating with me and told me I needed serious professional / medical intervention. I’ve considered it, but I’m not really interested in therapy. It costs an arm and a leg, and you could call it intuition, but I get the sense a therapist wouldn’t really have the tools necessary to deal with someone like me. It’d be just like my hookups, a boring and unfruitful endeavor. I’ve tried ignoring my desires, and that works temporarily until they return much stronger, so I’ve learned to just satisfy them when they start to bubble up. Aside from these desires, I don’t really feel anything.
On very rare occasions, I’ll feel anger, but that’s it. Also, I like insects, especially predatory ones, and I’m very fascinated watching them. I could watch an insect do its thing for 5 hours straight and not blink. Aside from those experiences, I care about nothing, everything else I do is just a puzzle piece to me in the incredibly mundane game of navigating society and achieving social status and financial power. I’m not suicidal, but there are days when I wake up and think “What am I living for? Am I even a real person?” I feel a vast emptiness inside, like an ocean with no fish, a night sky with no stars, a bag of chips with no dip. What should I do about this? What can I do about this? Is there even a solution, or is this truly all life has to offer?

Hey everyone, first-time mom here and I wanted to share my experience with the Adovel Baby Bassinet (See Price on Amazon) after using it for the past few months with my little one.
Overall Impression:
It's been a lifesaver, especially in those early newborn days.
Check the Price of the Adovel Baby Bassinet on Amazon
Here's my breakdown:

• Versatility: This thing does it all! Bassinet mode for newborns, playard for when they get bigger, and even a diaper changing station on top. It's definitely grown with my baby.
• Easy Assembly: Putting it together wasn't a struggle at all, even with the sleep deprivation of those first few weeks.
• Bedside Sleeper: Having the bassinet right next to my bed was a game-changer for night feedings and check-ins.
• Compact & Portable: Folds up nicely and comes with a travel bag, which will be perfect for upcoming trips.

Final Verdict:
Overall, I'm really happy with the Adovel Bassinet. It's been a functional and convenient option for my growing baby. For the price, it offers a lot of features and has definitely made those first few months as a mom a bit smoother.

If you're in this subreddit, you've probably seen thousands of pieces of advice, thousands of quotes, hundreds of neuroscientific interventions and potential pills to help you 'finally become the person you've always wanted to become.'
Now I dont want to sound too dramatic, but genuinely, nearly all of this is bullshit. The self improvement industry sells you lies left right and centre.

Diagnosing the Bullshit:

Let me explain.
So let's say you are 20 years old. Right now, your brain has spent 20 whole years not only developing, but PERFECTING its neural connections, to make you into the person you are today.
It has devoted quite literally thousands upon thousands of days towards habits in your life that you probably dont even recognise to be 'habits.'
Do you find it easy to buy stuff online? Open the fridge? Turn on your phone first thing in the morning? Walk to the shop to buy junk food? Play video games? Turn on a porn site?
Quite literally anything and everything you do, is a result of fine-tuned neural connections that the brain has perfected because you've done these things so many times consistently.
When you do any task, your brain releases an amount of dopamine. Dopamine isn't the 'happy' chemical that people think it is. It is primarily the neurochemical involved in 'doing things'- so any time you do anything, your brain releases dopamine, so that the next time you do that task, because dopamine helps you to 'do things', by releasing it, the brain reinforces that behaviour, and makes that task slightly easier to do next time you want to do it.
So yeah to reiterate your brain right now is a highly efficient machine, and it does not like to be swayed off course from what it already knows.
Why?
Well as far as your evolutionary brain is concerned, all the habits you've built over your 20 years of life, have allowed you to survive.
Your ancient brain thinks all the things you do, all the junk food you eat, all the bullshit you do, is actually maximising its chances to survive on the Savannah.
Obviously no matter what habits you pick, if you live in a relatively safe country, you probably will survive in the world regardless, but your evolutionary brain doesn't know that. All it knows is that the way you do things right now are optimal for survival.
And that means your brain really fucking loves to do things how it's always done things. It HATES CHANGE. Because change quite literally could be life or death for your brain. So it will fight you tooth and nail to avoid change.
This is where the bullshit of the self improvement industry comes in. 'Change your life in 30 days', 'Change your life in 3 months', 'How I became a disciplined person overnight.'
Everything about your brain hates these statements.
And at this stage you may say, 'Oh but Mr Latter Vehicle 6648, what about David Goggins?' or whatever self improvement person you look up to, who 'changed their life overnight.'
This is going to be controversial, but I think people like Goggins are actually just mentally ill. Dont tune out just yet though, let me explian.
I dont mean mentally ill in a bad way. This isn't to disrespect the work people like him have done. But the ability to just 'flip a switch' and become a hard motherfucker, is so incredibly biologically abnormal, that it must be something insane like 0.00000000001% of people are able to sustain that- and I would imagine their ability to flip that switch is tied to years of hard trauma in their childhood, which most people who've come from a stable background, simply cant relate to. Thats not to discredit people like Goggins, im just saying, I think people like that have a form of 'positively impactful' mental illness. That's to say, they are mentally ill, but it actually works for their life, so we dont talk about it in those terms.
So getting back on track here, when you try to implement any piece of advice from the self improvement industry heres how it always goes:
You try something new when you're super motivated, you completely transform your entire life for a week, 2 weeks, a month, or hell even 2 months for some people, and then randomly you wake up one day and its all fallen apart and you cant work out why.'
And then you probably spend the next 12 months saying to yourself 'man I wish I could just get back into that state of mind I had when I was super motivated'- but that state of mind never comes back, or if it does you replay the whole cycle again, and it falls off like it always does, again.
The reason you 'fall off' as I've mentioned is because your brain hates change. So if you change everything, you're basically just biding your time, waiting for the day that you run out of cognitive energy to be motivated, and your brain goes back to the safe habits it knows best.
One hard truth you must accept is, your brain has spent 20 fucking years developing and strengthening its bad connections to make you how you are right now, so how the fuck do you expect 30 or even 60 measly days to flip that all around with a stupid '30 day plan.'
The quicker you accept how your brain works, and remove the ego involved in trying to quickly transform yourself, the quicker you will actually become the person you want to become.
If you ever want to change, you have to accept your brain for what it is and say to yourself 'ok brain, we can keep doing things your way, and in fact we are going to embrace things your way, but we are going to ALSO make some minor changes that you won't even notice ok?'

Real Habit Building

And this is where ideas like atomic habits come in. if you want to be the kind of person that goes to the gym, then you need to make changes so small, but progressive, towards going to the gym, that your brain doesn't even notice you're making these changes.
Now im going to break down what a habit actually is, because this is another point that the self improvement industry lies to you about.
The self improvement industry has a tendency to call something one habit, when its actually like 12. Let me explain.
For example, the habit of 'going to the gym', is not one habit. Firstly going to the gym, might involve waking up at a reasonable time (one habit), getting out of bed (two habits), getting your gym clothes on (three habits), getting your keys and wallet/ water bottle (three habits), making sure to pack your gym bag (four habits), locking up your house (five habits), opening the door getting outside when perhaps you dont like being outside (six habits), walking to the gym for an extended period of time of like 5-30 minutes (7 habits), and only then when you arrive at the gym, have you completed your seemingly 'one habit'
Lots of people may find that going to the gym is less than 7 habits though, they may find that 'waking up', getting dressed, going outside and walking, is how they can mentally break it down- so more like 3 habits instead.
But however many habits you think going to the gym is, is entirely dependant on just how different your current life is from the life you want to lead. So if your somebody that usually walks to work and is happy waking up at an early hour and is pretty well disciplined in normal ways, then going to the gym may actually even be 'one habit' as people think it is.
But if you're the kind of person that hates being outside, you wake up late every day, you spend multiple hours on your phone, you go to bed late, and you never work out, then going the gym MUST be seen as 7 separate steps, because each one of those steps is unfamiliar to your brain.
It is better to assume your brain is unfamiliar with a task than to assume it can conquer it easily. It is easy to get excited and carried away with the prospect of habit building such that you want to change a million things at once, but it is much more reliable if you change just one thing at a time.
This is where you have to kill your ego and completely detach yourself from results based progress. Please trust me on this, because if you follow my methods, you will be able to maintain any habit you want for the rest of your entire life, so just because it may seem a little slow, it will reap unimaginably large rewards for you for the rest of your life. so just trust me on this, kill your ego, detach yourself from results and be patient.
If your goal is to go to the gym, and this is something entirely unfamiliar to you, you must start with habit one, which let's say is getting dressed for the gym.
You must get dressed for the gym every single day, but make sure thats all you do. you stick to just that one habit, and you commit to it for an entire month. after that month your brain won't even think about getting ready for the gym it will be the easiest task in the world.
This is where month two you then get into the habit of actually being outside. I used to hate going on walks and being outside. So I spent an entire month literally just making sure after I woke up I would stand outside. There was no condition for me to walk anywhere or do anything, simply being comfortable being outside was unfamiliar to my brain, so cognitively was a big step.
Month three, go for a walk/ get in your car to go to the gym. at this stage the preparation phase for the gym is like clockwork, you could do it in your sleep its that easy for you. Now for this whole month you simply drive/ walk to the gym. Honestly at this stage as crazy as it sounds, I wouldn't even enter the gym. simply being there every day was testament to all the progress I was making.
Only then on month four would I enter the gym and do a workout. But I would make sure the workout is quick because again actually working out is an unfamiliar place for my brain so I dont want to go into a whole 1 hr workout, because I know if I do that, then for no reason, im going to wake up one day paralysed and incapable of mustering the will to go to the gym, because 1 hr is too long and I won't want to do it, so it will all fall apart
So for month four, I will workout for 15 minutes. you can make that even shorter if you want. Remember DO NOT ATTACH YOURSELF TO THE RESULTS. Your only attachment should be to honouring your word and completing the habit.
For month 5 you can then increase the length of your workout if you want, maybe to 20 minutes, then the next month to 30 minutes.
This is where shit gets really cool. by building habits in this way you can very quickly after like 5-6 months, utilise principles of compound interest. Once you are at the gym, if you increase the intensity of your workouts or the length of your workouts by lets say 10% a month then through compound interest you are going to be a gym maniac within like 6 more months.
And this principle can be applied to any habit you want to build. Make the changes so small that your brain doesn't notice, and make sure the habit you are focusing on is a specific action.
You could start any habit this way. if you want to read books and you dont read books, the self improvement industry would probably suggest you read 15 pages a day.
No. Kill the ego. if you dont like reading but you want to read, then 15 pages a day is a lot of fucking reading and you will give up very quickly.
Instead, for a whole month read one paragraph. I'm serious. not even a page. One paragraph- because you brain can then develop that network from the ground up- the action of picking up the book and actually committing to reading it even for onenparagraph is actively and positively rewiring your brain.
And then the next month you may read 2 paragraphs, then 3 paragraphs then 1 page, then 2 pages, then 3 pages, then 5 pages, then 7 pages, then 10 pages, then 15 pages and BOOM before you know it after a handful of months you will be the kind of person that finds it easy to read books every single day.
I could talk about this for stuff for ages, but ill finish by mentioning pitfalls you DO NOT want to fall into:
Do not get cocky. The self improvement industry would tell you that you should start scaling up your habits after a week or two weeks of doing it. DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT SCALE UP YOUR HABITS UNTIL A MINIMUM A MONTH OF DOING THEM, A MONTH IS THE MINIMUM.
Secondly, do NOT juggle too many new habits at once. you may think you are building 4 small habits- lets say you decided that you want to: go on walk every morning, meditate daily, have a skincare routine, and go on a run in the evening. You may then think 'oh ok, so on month one lets do a small habit towards the walk, a small hvti towards the meditating, a small habit towards the skincare routine and a small habit towards the evening run- what's the big deal right?' NO.
IF YOU TAKE AWAY ONE MESSAGE FROM THIS TODAY, IT IS THAT YOUR BRAIN DETESTS CHANGE. So if you do 4 'small' changes at once, thats 4 x the amount of change, and thus a lot more cognitive load on your brain than you may think it is. If you want to build multiple habits simultaneously, only do that once you are comfortable having built one habit at a time for a while.
Anyway I think ive typed too much as it is, so let me know if any of this was helpful, I hope my advice can help at least one person to improve themselves. Good luck everybody!!

I'm processing a ton of shit going on with me. I'm starting to unpack a lot. It's 3 in the morning and I'm still not sleeping. I wrote about 10 pages of just raw emotion. I ate like garbage today and didn't work out at all this weekend for various reasons.
I feel like I need a day off. I just want to give my wife and kids the person I want to be instead of quick to anger, and being a shitty father and husband. I don't want to be my parents.
I've been working on myself super hard for a few months. I quit drinking, I exercise six days a week. I've dropped 60 lbs. But this weekend I just feel like I failed my family and myself.
My older kid is 9 and I just was shitty this weekend. I want to wake him up and explain everything to him but he's so young. We have an amazing relationship but I just sucked this weekend. My wife is my rock, she is literally saving me.
I feel guilty about calling in sick but I'm going to be a bag of shit tomorrow. Hell I want a year off just to not burnout again.

I don’t mean a fear of flying, I’m not afraid of it. I just have a severe hatred for it. I can drive for 30 hours straight and have successfully done so without being too destroyed. I took a solo road trip recently and drove for endless hours every day for weeks and loved every minute of it.
But just the thought of flying drains me. I’m already pushed to my limit before i even get on the plane. I hate the lines, having to lug bags everywhere, the seats are horrible, i get sweaty, I have no space, I can never sleep even with a billion melatonin, I can’t eat because of potential motion sickness. I hate the fact that it’s hours into your travel day before you even actually get on the plane. I hate the fact that planes take so long to board and take off and disembark. a 3 hour flight is like a 10 hour experience from when you leave your home to when you get to the hotel. When flights get delayed every fiber in my body tells me to just go home, even when i’m already at the airport. There’s no leg room. There’s nowhere to stretch. There’s nowhere quiet to sit and decompress. Your access to water is limited. You’re just stuck in this little sardine can for hours. I’m tall and fidgety, I can barely deal with the confinement. It’s truly unbearable. Hell is a never-ending flight.
I’m supposed to fly from LA to Greece in a couple weeks and it’s 20 hours of travel overall, including a 6 hour layover in Istanbul. I am completely and utterly dreading the experience. I regret buying the ticket and I seriously do not want to put up with it. The last time I flew it was only a 5 hour flight and I cried from the stress and discomfort. Does anyone else feel this way?

Anyone found the above novel anywhere not worth a kidney.
Getting even "Your husband is screwing his secretary!" Erica winced at the pain of those words. "And you're planning on playing the dutiful wife by entertaining his guests?" Every moment brought her closer to succumbing to the immense pain in her heart that threatened to break her. But if she allowed herself a moment of grief, Alex had won. Despite all of her pain, and all of her heartache, Erica was angry. "... And I just think you should cancel and let him have it!" Erica forced herself to focus on Lottie's rant, taking a slow breath. "You're just letting him get away with it, Eri. How can you do that?" "Oh, Lottie. Who said anything about him getting away with it?"
Dumping the mail on the counter, she left her purchases in the hallway. No doubt by the time she finished her coffee, Gloria would have taken care of her bags too, and Erica could relax for the day before Alex came home. With a happy sigh, Erica settled with her coffee and pulled the letters towards her once more. Bill. Junk. Pushy sales pitch. Bills. More junk, another bill, and... Her fingers paused over the handwritten envelope. No stamp or address, just her name. It may have got mixed up with her regular mail, but this was clearly not a regular letter. Whoever sent it, had delivered it by hand. Trying to place the handwriting, she opened the letter with a touch of excitement. She loved receiving mail. Even if most of it was nonsense. Tearing the contents from the envelope, her smile froze in place as she unfolded the sheets and read the first few lines. Tears blurred her eyes before she could even process she was crying, a whooshing sound in her ears while her hands shook as she tried to make sense of the scribbled words. The pages fell from her frozen fingers, floating gently to the kitchen floor, as her entire body shivered as though she had been plunged in ice. She took a breath. And then another. She felt it rattled in her chest as she heard a gasping sound from the distance. It was only when she felt the tightness in her heart that she realised the rasping sound was coming from inside of her and she was hurtling her way towards a panic attack. She rested her head on the kitchen counter, letting the coolness soothe her clammy forehead, forcing herself to count slowly to ten. Once she finally had control of herself, she straightened up, her hands firm on the counter to steady herself. There had to be a mistake. No way this letter was meant for her. No way. Because if it was, it meant her entire life was a lie. That everything she believed in and trusted was nothing but a facade. She reached for the envelope, turning it over in her hands. Mrs Carr. Well. Okay, so it was addressed to her, but perhaps she had misread something. Maybe she had the wrong end of the stick. She forced herself to retrieve the letter off the floor, taking a slow and shuddering breath. Maybe everything would be okay. Or maybe, just maybe, every single word was the truth and Erica was about to lose everything. Whispering the words, she read them out loud. "You don't know me, and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your husband is sleeping with my wife." You don't know me, and I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your husband is sleeping with my wife. You have absolutely no reason to believe me, I know, so let me introduce myself. My name is Marcus Copeland, and if my name sounds familiar, it's because I share a surname with Alex's secretary. Cliché isn't it? The CEO has a movie-like affair with the receptionist. Unfortunately, in our case, this is our reality. Sophie is my wife and we've been married for just over a year. I have agonised over this letter for the past few days, trying to find the right words, debating whether I should even tell you at all. Sophie doesn't know I know. She doesn't have a clue that our marriage is done, and I'm about to screw up her entire world like she did to me. That's what ultimately made me decide, by the way. Just so you know, I'm pissed off at Sophie and this letter isn't about getting back at the guy who slept my wife. In the end, Alex doesn't owe me anything, and if he's the type of scum to sleep with a married woman, that's his problem. Sophie is the one who promised herself to me, who took those vows with me, so she's the one that I'm angry at. But with that thought in mind, Alex may not owe me anything, but I'm certain he made the same promises to you that Sophie did to me. Therefore, I think it's only right if you know the truth so you can make your own (informed) decision. I'm only sorry that the truth is so hideously screwed up and is likely to hurt you. Oh, I suppose I should say how I know about the affair and if I have any proof. After all, I could be anyone, and why should you believe me over your husband? To clarify, yes, I have proof. There are copies of some messages sent back and forth between them, which I'll share with you. I wasn't digging for these messages, by the way. I was living in blissful ignorance until Sophie left herself signed in on my laptop - she had borrowed it to do some work. I don't know what you plan to do with this letter, or if you want to contact me further, but just in case, I'll attach my number and email address. If I don't hear from you, I wish you luck and hope you can find some peace. Please, believe me, I didn't want to send this letter. But I couldn't, in good conscience, sit on this information without saying something. I'm sorry again. Best wishes, Marcus. Erica met her sister's gaze as she finally finished reading the contents of Marcus' letter. Lottie had rushed around after a panicked phone call from Erica and had spent the past ten minutes getting caught up to speed. "Do you believe this guy?" "Yes." Erica nodded as she lit another smoking - her third since Lottie had arrived. "I spoke to him after I called you and-." "You spoke to him?" Erica resisted the urge to laugh at the shock on her sister's face. "Of course I spoke to him, Charlotte. You don't get a letter like that and ignore it!" "Well, no. I suppose not." Lottie reached for her smoking, burned away to nothing in the ashtray, and tutted. "But still, I can't believe you contacted him. What did you say? Did you lose your mind?" "No," Erica said, shaking her head. "No, I thanked him for his letter, and-." "You thanked him?" "Lottie, if you interrupt one more time, I swear." "Okay, okay. So you thanked him for the letter, and then what?" Erica finally stubbed out the smoking. Alex for pushing her back to smoking. She had been doing so well. "Well, then I asked him to meet me." "Hello?" Erica was a bit surprised by the deep manly voice on the other end of the line, although she had no clue why. Her heart pounded with nerves, her tongue feeling about ten times too big for her mouth. Just. Say. Hello. "Am I speaking to Marcus Copeland?" Silence. And then he cleared his throat. "Mrs Carr?" "Yes, hi." God, this was painful. Silence stretched between them as she figured out what to say next. Erica was usually so sure of herself and it was a rare occasion she couldn't find something to say. "I'm sorry Mrs Carr-." "Erica, please." "Erica. Okay. Well, Erica, I'm sorry you're having to make this phone call and that circumstances have forced us into this awkward conversation." "There's nothing for you to apologise for." She chewed her lip. Did she mean that? "Although I feel the need to apologise to you also, so I guess we're even." "Whatever should you apologise for?" His tone gave away his surprise. She hated everything about this. The formal way of speaking, the repetitive words. The constant apologies. It was enough. "I shouldn't apologise, Alex should. But since he won't... I'm sorry my cheating scum of a husband stuck his shaft in your wife." Silence. "Well, I wouldn't put it quite that way." Was she crazy, or did she heat a hint of amusement in his tone? "But I accept your apology. I'm sorry my cheating bimbo of a wife let him stick his shaft in her." Erica felt herself relax as he matched her tone and dropped the formalities. "Did she let her?" She asked, clearing her throat. "I mean, is that what the messages imply?" "Are you asking who came on to whom?" Marcus asked, sighing. It was the sound of a broken man, and it told Erica everything she needed to know. "I think from what I read, Sophie did the chasing." "And Alex allowed himself to be caught." Silence again. Different this time. More relaxed. Contemplative. "How much did you actually read?" "Not as much as I'd like," Marcus said. Another sigh. "Once I realised what I was reading, I signed her out of my laptop as though that made it all go away. I don't know why. I just remember my heart sinking and the thought 'I shouldn't be reading this' going through my head." "Almost like you stumbled on a stranger's conversation?" "Yes! Yes, exactly like that. How did you know?" "That's how I felt reading your letter." Erica glanced over at the pages still littered on the kitchen counter. "My heart sank at first. I could feel my face flaming. And then I felt almost embarrassed. Because I couldn't believe I was reading about Alex. My Alex." "I'm sorry." "Yeah." Silence once more. "Erica-." "Marcus-." "Go on," he said, cutting her off before she could offer the same courtesy. "I was only going to repeat myself." "Okay." She took a slow, calming breath. "I just wanted to thank you, Marcus. I know it can't have been easy thinking about someone else when your entire world was crumbling. And I just... I really appreciate you telling me everything." "You're welcome. I'm surprised at your reaction, but you're welcome." "Surprised why?" "You haven't questioned me once. You haven't demanded proof. Why not?" Erica took a moment to gather her thoughts. The truth was, once she heard the pain in his voice, there was no doubt in her mind Marcus was telling the truth. A small part of her still held onto the hope that someone had made a mistake - that it wasn't her Alex who had exchanged those texts with Sophie. Perhaps it was another Alex. Or a fake profile posing as her husband. She'd rationalised it a million different ways before she even picked up the phone. But none of those possibilities mattered now. For Marcus, there was no denying his wife had broken their vows. Even if her little shred of hope blossomed into reality, it felt like rubbing salt into the wound. A gotcha moment. Haha, my marriage isn't over after all. She couldn't be that person. Not when she could hear how utterly broken Marcus was. "I believe you," she said simply. "Do I hope that there's been a mistake? Of course. But given how dejected you sound, I doubt a decent person would make another feel the same way." A last moment of silence. "Thank you for that, Erica. I'm grateful you see it like that." "This might seem a bit unorthodox," Erica replied, her heart racing. "But would you like to get coffee?" You invited him for coffee? Honey, are you okay?" Erica couldn't hold back her laughter this time. What a ridiculous question to ask. "Okay, I know you're not okay, I just meant-." "I know what you meant, Charlotte," Erica said, taking the letter from her and neatly folding it back into the envelope. "I may have a scumbag for a husband, but I'm not losing my marbles." "No? What would you call meeting a perfect stranger?" "A Tinder date?" Erica laughed at her own joke, leaving the room and heading to her bedroom. "You watch too many crime shows, sis." "And apparently you don't watch enough," Lottie said, rushing after her. "Honestly, Eri, just think about this. How do you know he's telling the truth? He could be any old creep just waiting for an opportunity." "You can't fake that kind of hurt. You just can't." Erica pulled her arm gently from Lottie's grasp, walking through the double doors to her bedroom. Grabbing her purchases from earlier, she hung her dress on the back of the door and sat at her vanity table. "I could hear it in every word he said, Lottie. And at the moment, he's the only person in the room who understands what I'm going through." Looking in the mirror, she met her sister's eyes as Lottie sank onto the bed. "Well, I can understand that," Lottie said, scrunching her nose. "Just. Give me his number before you go meet him. That way, if you end up missing, I have a lead to give the cops." Erica chuckled despite her low mood, nodding in response to Lottie's request. It wasn't unreasonable, but in her gut, she knew Marcus was no danger to her. He was just another broken heart who was the only person in the world who had a chance of understanding how she felt. Putting her meeting with Marcus to the back of her mind, Erica turned her attention to her reflection, starting her usual skincare routine. As Lottie watched with a judging eye, Erica cleansed, exfoliated and moisturised, focusing on the task at hand so her mind wouldn't wander and she wouldn't succumb to her hurt. "What are you doing?" Lottie asked, sitting up and perching on the edge of the bed. "Moisturising currently. I'd have thought that was obvious." Lottie rolled her eyes and sighed. "Yes," she said. "I know you're moisturising. But why?" "Skin care is important, little sister." "Erica! Stop with the nonsense, you know what I mean!" Erica smirked at her through the mirror, finding enjoyment in her frustration. Moments like this with Lottie reminded her of those precious years sharing a bedroom as teenagers. She'd hated it at the time, but now she would give anything to be fifteen again and arguing over lip gloss. "We have guests tonight," she said, reaching for her make-up bag. "And if I don't get a move on, I'll never be ready in time." "You can't be serious, Eri." "What is it this time?" The smile she gave her sister was a little strained this time. Lottie had done nothing but question her this whole time. "Your husband is screwing his secretary!" Erica winced at the pain of those words. "And you're planning on playing the dutiful wife by entertaining his guests?" Erica shrugged and applied her base coat. The truth was, she wanted nothing more than an endless tub of Ben and Jerry's and a collection of tear-jerker movies to drown her sorrows in. She wished she could put on her ratty old clothes and climb under a duvet, only resurfacing for more ice cream. Every moment brought her closer to succumbing to the immense pain in her heart that threatened to break her. But if she allowed herself a moment of grief, Alex had won. Despite all of her pain, and all of her heartache, Erica was angry. "... And I just think you should cancel and let him have it!" Erica forced herself to focus on Lottie's rant, taking a slow breath. "You're just letting him get away with it, Eri. How can you do that?" "Oh, Lottie. Who said anything about him getting away with it?" "I still can't believe you banged her in the office." Alex tightened his hands on the steering wheel and held his tongue. His head had been pounding all day, and he was positive Sophie's nagging was the culprit. "Did you not think about me at all or how it would make me feel?" Huh. Well, that question was a toughie. Did he think about his side piece while screwing his wife? No. No, of course, he didn't. Why would he? And more importantly, how would Sophie feel if he thought about Erica while screwing her? He couldn't help but imagine her expression. But given her current mood, he didn't want to test her reaction. Still. The thought was amusing. "Alex? Are you even listening?" Holding back a sigh, Alex glanced in Sophie's direction. She was a beautiful girl, it had to be said. With the youthful glow of someone closer to twenty than thirty, she effortlessly captured attention. Lustrous blonde hair cascaded over her shoulder and framed her lovely face, perfectly complimenting her warm and sun-pecked skin. Beautiful long lashes framed the deepest of blue eyes, enticing and enchanting all at once. She was slender, but there was a softness to her that was undeniably alluring. With full, kissable lips, she was a dream come true. She was also crazy. "Yes, I'm listening," he said finally. "I just don't know what you want me to say." "I want you to explain why you'd do that to me?" "Sophie..." He paused, planning his words carefully. "You understand that Erica is my wife?" "I don't see why that's important," she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're not the only one married here." "You're telling me you don't sleep with Marcus?" The thought made his groin tighten, though he wasn't going to let her know that. "I haven't slept with him since that first time..." she bit her lip and Alex forced himself to focus on the road. For reasons he couldn't explain, that really turned him on. "Well, I didn't ask you to do that, Sophie. Honestly, I'm surprised he's not suspicious." "You want me to sleep him then, throw him off the scent?" Absolutely not. "What you do with your husband is none of my business." "No?" Her voice had softened, her tone meant to seduce. "You wouldn't mind him running his hands all over my body? Grabbing my cherry... playing with my private part?" Alex shifted in his seat, forcing himself not to react. "You want him to slide his hard shaft deep inside me, make me moan for him as I get wetter and wetter? You'd be okay with me screaming his name, and-." "Enough, Sophie." Alex hardened his tone, stopping her in her tracks. He wasn't a jealous man, but he was a possessive one. It didn't matter to him that Sophie was married. In fact, the happier she was in her marriage, the better it was for him. All he wanted from her was nasty, uncomplicated intercourse. But he couldn't help but get off on the idea that he was taking another man's wife and leaving him with blue balls. It was selfish, he knew. But he was a selfish man. The problem was, it seemed Sophie did not get the causal encounter memo. With her bimboing and whining, it was becoming more and more clear that, for her at least, this was becoming something more than intercourse. Unacceptable. And quite frankly, ridiculous. Despite his affair, Alex loved his wife. Erica was everything he wanted in a woman and more. Sophie was a lot of fun, but Erica was the kind of woman you brought home to your parents. Taller than most men, she cut a striking figure. Though slender, she possessed curves that ought to belong to a goddess. Sophie could only dream of having cherry like Erica's (she let him know it was the only thing she envied of her 'rival'), and her backside was out of this world. Her skin was flawless, creamy and warm. Like a painting brought to life, she was the epitome of elegance and grace, carrying herself with a confidence that was undeniably s-xy. With her chestnut brown hair, she was the opposite of Sophie in every way. Superior in every way, and more than Alex had ever hoped for. Why Sophie thought she stood a chase was beyond him. That she thought she could compete with Erica was laughable. And yet he continued to bang her. That was the problem. Despite the healthy intercourse life he shared with his wife, something about Sophie appealed to him. Perhaps it was just the thrill of the affair, the knowledge that someone wanted him enough to risk everything to be with him. The intercourse was, admittedly, out of this world. He had no intention of ending things with Sophie. But she needed to realise that the minute his marriage was at risk, he would drop her faster than she could blink. "See, you don't like the thought, do you?" He forced himself to focus on her once more. What was she talking about now? Oh, the husband. Of course. "Sophie, what is it you want me to say?" "Admit you're jealous!" He wanted to bang his head against the steering wheel. Why couldn't she let this go? "I don't want him sleep you," he said, hoping that would be enough. Judging from the expectant look on her face, it was not. "Why not?" She demanded. It wasn't about jealousy, he just didn't want to share. He didn't want another man's sloppy seconds. But he probably shouldn't tell Sophie that, and he definitely didn't want to lead her on and make her think she had a chance. This was getting complicated. "I don't like sharing, Sophie. It's as-." "But you expect me to share you!" She said, cutting him off. "Don't you see how unfair that is? And in your office! Where I am just on the other side of the door. Don't you understand why that drives me insane?" "I didn't say you couldn't sleep Marcus, only that I didn't like it. You don't have to like me sleeping Erica, it doesn't mean it won't happen." "But that's not fair!" Sophie's shriek reminded Alex just how immature she could be. "I don't want to sleep Marcus. I only want you." Well. He couldn't blame her. "Be that as it may-." "No! No, you have to make a choice, Alex. You can't have both of us." Alex pulled off the road and killed the engine, turning in his seat to face her. She shrank back at what he imagined was a thunderous expression. No one told him what to do. No one. "Then I chose Erica," he said firmly. "Who do you think you are, little girl? You don't give me ultimatums." "I-I'm sorry." Her words were barely louder than a whisper. "I just can't stand the thought of you touching her. I want you to only want me." "And you think giving me an ultimatum is going to do that?" He was treading dangerous territory here. She had given him an out. He could end things here and now, and be done with this entire affair. Erica would never know, Sophie could be replaced. It could be so easy. But he sensed a win for him as Sophie chewed her lip. Her eyes met his, wide and innocent. She wanted so desperately to please him and he knew it. "Alex, please talk to me." "Too late," he said, testing the waters. "You told me to choose and I did." "I didn't mean it!" She reached for his hand, holding it against her cheek. "Alex, I didn't, okay? I just... I lost myself for a moment, okay? He pulled his hand from her grasp, leaning back in his seat. "I think I should take you home, Sophie." "No!" Before he could stop her, Sophie unbuckled her belt, moving over the console and into his lap. She pecked across his face and along his jaw, brushing her lips over his. "I'm sorry, okay? Please, Alex. Please believe me." He shouldn't have enjoyed this, but he was. Here was this beautiful woman, begging him for a chance, begging him not to leave her. How could someone not enjoy being wanted so much? He stayed silent, letting her move against him, enjoying the feel of her body as she writhed in his lap. As he moved his arms around her waist, it occurred to him he was reserving his place . He'd always thought of himself as a good guy. This confirmed he was not. "How do I know we won't be back in this same situation next week, Sophie? Or three months from now? A year?" A year? He was giving her hope this thing had longevity. "We won't. I promise we won't." She pecked his lips despite his resistance. She'd gained confidence at the way he was holding her, sensing a win. "Just... Can you promise me something?" "Depends what you want." He'd probably give it to her if she continued moving like that against his crotch. "If you're gonna bang her in the office again," she said, nibbling her way across his jaw to his ear. "Could you make sure I'm not there? I really don't want to have to hear it." Alex chuckled darkly, grabbing her butt and giving it a squeeze as his shaft stirred under her. "Seems like a fair deal," he admitted. "I'll try and be more courteous." She ran her tongue around the edge of his earlobe, making his groin tighten in anticipation of feeling that same tongue on his hard length. "Thank you, baby," she whispered against his ear. "Now let me really apologise." Reaching for a lever, Sophie pushed his seat back, giving her more room to settle between his legs. Her long, slender fingers made quick work of his belt, her eyes intense on his. Tugging his pants down along with his boxers, his shaft sprung free, getting harder as she worked him with an expert touch. Her mouth moved over him, stealing the breath from his lungs at the immediate pleasure he felt. Okay, so this was one thing she had over Erica. Her blowjobs were out of this world and worth every risk he took just to experience one. She knew exactly how to tighten her lips, the right places to tease with her tongue. Her mouth was always ready and willing and he had lost count of how many times those pretty eyes had looked up at him while he shot his load down her throat. "Sophie," he said, grabbing the back of her head and keeping her still while he could still focus. She kept her eyes on his, paused with his shaft in her mouth. It was enough to make him throb in need "You're not to sleep Marcus, even if you want to. Do you understand?" She nodded once, sliding her lips further down his length. He fisted her hair, tugging on it sharply and stopping her in her tracks. "I said, do you understand?" This time, Sophie released his shaft, wrapping her hand around him instead. "I understand, Sir," she said, licking her lips. "Whatever you want, I'll give you. You own me now." Pushing her head back down, he watched his shaft disappear between her lips once more, her words ringing in his ears with a sense of euphoria. Who said you couldn't have your cake and eat it too?

Hey Everyone!
Let’s go….
Newly Covered Today:

1. The first treasury buy-back since 2002?!? So the treasuries are removed in exchange for more fiat being issued into the ecosystem. Definitely doesn’t sound like QE under a new name. https://twitter.com/martypartymusic/status/1785681525746663925
2. Look at the difference 150 bps makes. https://twitter.com/balajis/status/1786510472214462967
3. What Biden’s guy wishes he said (of course with the nuance that actual physical printing…not what we’re worried about here…is done by Bureau of Engraving & Printing of Treasury). https://twitter.com/theSamPadilla/status/1786439794605572245
4. Set “Apply Thresholding” to “None” to see the real numbers. https://groups.inf.ed.ac.uk/blockchainlab/edi-dashboard/
5. Not gonna lie. This is pretty fire from Sen. Lummis. https://twitter.com/SenLummis/status/1786055913922494838
6. Three different non-BTC crypto ETFs are now listed on Hong Kong. Progress! https://www.theblock.co/post/291599/hong-kong-officially-debuts-asias-first-spot-bitcoin-ether-etfs
7. Grayscale is basically the worst ex ever. Getting our stuff out of their place has been painful and seems to never end. https://dailyhodl.com/2024/04/30/crypto-markets-break-down-as-grayscale-sends-over-245000000-worth-of-bitcoin-to-coinbase/
8. Consensys has sued the SEC seeking clarity around Ethereum and securities laws. https://twitter.com/BillHughesDC/status/1783561618741236177
9. Biden: Long-term capital gains to 44.6% + unrealized gains tax! Crypto: No thanks. https://twitter.com/WatcherGuru/status/1783028521549299932
10. Damn…they want CZ to get three years! https://twitter.com/WatcherGuru/status/1783028521549299932
11. Pragma: a new Cardano members based organization! Initial focus to be on Aiken and Amaru (a second client for Cardano…which we need). https://twitter.com/IOHK_Charles/status/1782828212273443063
12. I think we all knew this was coming at some point. https://www.sec.gov/news/press-release/2023-59
13. The SEC attorneys who were on Debt Box have exited the SEC. https://twitter.com/leomschwartz/status/1782470866766340300
14. Kennedy is talking about putting the US Government budget on the blockchain. Dude may be predicting the future. But, how far out is it? https://twitter.com/Holden_Culotta/status/1782240403879576041
15. We made it! Halving complete
16. Damn! Kennedy is embracing the ChazHosk endorsement! https://twitter.com/RobertKennedyJstatus/1780726997020508562
17. So close, but yet so far! https://twitter.com/GaryGenslestatus/1780685461020663888
18. Once again, we are the best blockchain. https://twitter.com/StakeWithPride/status/1780711598375809162
19. Hong Kong ETFs, you say?!? https://www.forbes.com/sites/digital-assets/2024/04/15/shock-leak-reveals-china-could-be-about-to-blow-up-the-price-of-bitcoin-ethereum-and-xrp/
20. As predicted when the investigation was revealed and Uniswap Labs took synthetics off their front end, the SEC has dropped a Wells Notice on Uniswap. https://twitter.com/Uniswap/status/1778127813138071904
21. A full suit against Uniswap is only a matter of time given the current composition of the Gensler led Commission. https://twitter.com/BillHughesDC/status/1778146519125774761
22. The founder of Uniswap on their willingness to fight the upcoming battle with the SEC. https://twitter.com/haydenzadams/status/1778126466984575166
23. It's definitely a little crazy given the recent ruling on crypto in the secondary markets. But, this is the result of an agenda, not fair and impartial treatment. https://twitter.com/iampaulgrewal/status/1778149863072670169
24. Ouch! Hotter than expected CPI for April. https://www.cnn.com/2024/04/10/economy/cpi-consumer-price-index-inflation-march/index.html
25. So-called "super core" inflation (no shelter, energy, or food costs) is even hotter. https://www.cnbc.com/2024/04/10/the-supercore-inflation-measure-shows-fed-may-have-a-real-problem-on-its-hands.html
26. Cardano's biggest competitor can't even decide what its issuance rate should be. https://unchainedcrypto.com/why-the-ethereum-community-is-up-in-arms-against-a-proposal-to-change-the-monetary-policy/
27. People are sleeping so hard on how much demographics are going to affect economies over the next few decades. Wild decisions will be made in attempts to remedy these problems. https://twitter.com/iamyesyouareno/status/1775535726383222928
28. This shows all the biggest depopulation trends. https://twitter.com/stats_feed/status/1786482160272118041
29. Operation Chokepoint 2.0 continues, apparently! https://twitter.com/CaitlinLong_/status/1775982855169995246
30. Weird that it hurts so little when you know they're on the descent. https://twitter.com/Grayscale/status/1775983039832904014
31. No private liability for secondary trading on exchanges. https://twitter.com/iampaulgrewal/status/1776292735063888374
32. No matter how much people will obsess over various wild-niche-bullshit things, the real story over this cycle will (as always) just be this: https://twitter.com/cardano_whale/status/1776229889743728657

Previously covered, but still interesting:

1. Still ranked crazy high in the brand intimacy rankings. https://twitter.com/CloverNodes/status/1769136178924769358
2. What do we have here? https://pool.pm/asset12ffdj8kk2w485sr7a5ekmjjdyecz8ps2cm5ze
3. We haven't seen this before. https://twitter.com/sachs_johnny/status/1768281470005588162
4. The crystal ball not looking good for an ETH ETF approval in May. https://twitter.com/jchervinsky/status/1767175990285857006
5. At least one candidate is with us. https://twitter.com/Holden_Culotta/status/1767344261081489793
6. The Dubai police are using the Cardano blockchain? https://twitter.com/ZombieLife2019/status/1766753115632480539
7. The truth will out...https://twitter.com/CCMOD_/status/1764379842911330776
8. Vechain is posting about Cardano and Charles. https://twitter.com/vechainofficial/status/1765014603220586706
9. We're still doing this CFTC vs. SEC thing? https://bitcoinist.com/ethereum-designated-as-commodity-by-cftc/
10. Welcome to the show of magic, mystery, and sorcery where I, the GREAT VALDINO, will turn Ethereum into Cardano before your very eyes! https://twitter.com/StakeWithPride/status/1771180467745669407
11. And then the ETH Foundation warrant canary vanished. Interesting move in an election year. They really don't put any respeck on the name of our voting power. https://unchainedcrypto.com/sec-investigating-ethereum-foundation-regarding-proof-of-stake-transition-report/
12. Unsurprisingly, a16z seems to disagree with any assertion by the SEC that ETH (in it's new proof-of-stake form) is a security. https://bitcoinist.com/ethereum-not-security-sec-probe-a16z/
13. 2024 is not going well for SEC litigation. https://twitter.com/iampaulgrewal/status/1769835308559032608
14. Oh okay...Japanese stagflation after 17 years of lowezero/negative interest rates. Yeah, sounds like everything's fine. https://twitter.com/profstonge/status/1769703427586605549
15. Axo is coming next month! https://twitter.com/axotrade/status/1734902697277682041
16. McHenry's still fighting for us even on the way out. https://twitter.com/leomschwartz/status/1734939582896980448
17. New FASB ruling on BTC is a huge jump forward for crypto. https://twitter.com/jameslavish/status/1734968328266092840
18. A nice article on Cardano Monetary Policy. https://cexplorer.io/article/understanding-cardano-monetary-policy
19. JPM and Jane Street are APs in the Blackrock ETF. I will value this era that they’re not yet in a Cardnao ETF. https://twitter.com/EricBalchunas/status/1740821222450168113
20. Dragon is busy doing dragon stuff. Thank god she's terrible at turning bills into law. https://twitter.com/DigitalChambestatus/1740742211028074904
21. The current ETF goings-on are not the result of the SEC suddenly liking crypto. https://twitter.com/MetaLawMan/status/1740024300898312461
22. While they obviously want you to buy a lot of devices, this is not a bad idea to help mitigate the wallet emptying attacks. You shouldn't be exposing your main bag everytime you want to buy an NFT. https://twitter.com/Ledgestatus/1740324889825865923
23. A list from which we're happy to be excluded! https://twitter.com/benohanlon/status/1740361481047466361
24. Inconvenient observations around a Cardano competitor are making the rounds. https://twitter.com/buxdabomb/status/1740026835529056747
25. Here's the referenced paper from ETH Zurich (ETH = Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule not Ethereum). https://tik-db.ee.ethz.ch/file/9d40dad802dd12d9ba1f1b7c1759920c/
26. GovTool, everybody! It's a GovTool! https://twitter.com/InputOutputHK/status/1739701402597839163
27. The story of Charles according to Darth ADA and Midjourney. https://twitter.com/Darth___ADA/status/1739244702321500165
28. We had a Charles X space appearance. https://twitter.com/IOHK_Charles/status/1738258705253347356
29. Interesting Pavia news. https://twitter.com/M0R84N/status/1737893015409009010
30. SEC Response. Candor & accuracy should have always been touchstone #1...not a remedial effort. https://twitter.com/TheOCcryptobro/status/1738218724635943231
31. Wow! Pretty terrible for an SEC that was already under fire. https://twitter.com/0xMakesy/status/1738254190609154236
32. UK planning to be a global crypto hub. C'mon US, gotta get moving in the right direction before you're left behind. https://www.gov.uk/government/news/government-sets-out-plan-to-make-uk-a-global-cryptoasset-technology-hub
33. As expected, liking this guy already. https://twitter.com/WatcherGuru/status/1737900444528365596
34. CF partners with Petrobas for blockchain education of their employees. https://twitter.com/Cardano_CF/status/1737529193540321618
35. Reports of ETF approval are intensifying. https://twitter.com/BitcoinMagazine/status/1737493571769418203
36. Shocking, I tell you! Who could have guessed? https://twitter.com/Dennis_Porter_/status/1737177407134543914
37. Blackrock ETF application is now cash only. https://twitter.com/EricBalchunas/status/1736906286388703444
38. Even at the 11th hour, she can't let it go. https://twitter.com/MattAhlborg/status/1743412739031085403
39. CCTV footage of the ETF conversations with the SEC. https://twitter.com/BTC_Archive/status/1742867364691976606
40. This is a good point. Grayscale paved the way. https://twitter.com/jchervinsky/status/1742736911611883649
41. One take on the fate of the ETFs. https://twitter.com/MetaLawMan/status/1742532353535180988
42. Cardano dApp activity is looking good! https://twitter.com/dappsoncardano/status/1742463817009750072
43. Remember, DeFi can brutally delete what you have accumulated. https://twitter.com/Fabian_vBergen/status/1742549697376502015
44. The difference between us and them in a nutshell. They have already given up. https://twitter.com/StakeWithPride/status/1743374843238891574
45. Always a momentous day. Fifteen years of crypto. https://twitter.com/Ledgestatus/1742501068628435180
46. Somebody's going to be popular among crypto voters. But, which taxes? Any tax relief would be nice. But, are we talkin' de minimis use exception or what? https://twitter.com/AltcoinDailyio/status/1742279622304350345
47. Things looking rough in ETH. Sharding is just folklore now? https://twitter.com/nikzh/status/1741810776375951677
48. Steps one and two. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/174585175184739533
49. Blackrock wants to tokenize everything. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/1745857311602786651
50. Looks like her anti-crypto army wasn't as powerful as she thought. https://twitter.com/SenWarren/status/1745561648218112249
51. The final boss in the game of hypocrisy. https://twitter.com/robustus/status/1745485835271610649
52. We got to watch the orthodox react to the unraveling of the orthodoxy. https://twitter.com/BritishHodl/status/1745468854472458497
53. The SEC vote tally. https://twitter.com/EleanorTerrett/status/1745223606538305892
54. How it felt! https://twitter.com/krakenfx/status/1745196409513558478
55. Hester Peirce on the approval. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/1745211605246464016
56. Ahhh...that moment when the tables turn. https://twitter.com/beritacryptoid/status/1741270388821389471
57. Gensler's statement on the BTC ETF approvals. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/1745204297259008482
58. I think we can all see what's coming. https://twitter.com/xDaily/status/1746953397176041848
59. The future of Ethereum is (apparently) IOHK research. https://twitter.com/StakeWithPride/status/1746983007087661261
60. Beware! Caitlin explains how the ETFs are going to make money at such low fees. https://twitter.com/CaitlinLong_/status/1744336024845578539
61. It never stops being funny. https://twitter.com/alifarhat79/status/1744411161959748077
62. How far off is this really? https://twitter.com/CryptoTea_/status/1744347799926219174
63. Here we go. All fillings are final. https://twitter.com/EleanorTerrett/status/1744349756279705674
64. The current administration seems hellbent on their anti-crypto policy. How could they go so far down this road without seeing the cost they will pay in the election? https://twitter.com/Scaramucci/status/1744321749401903165
65. Guess we better pack it in, guys. It wasn't the painstaking and relentless development, innovative architectural vision, rigorous academic research, or pound-for-pound strongest community in crypto all these years. It's just that no one from the ICO ever figured out how to sell ADA. https://twitter.com/ercwl/status/1744165129095143485
66. Shocker! Solana stablecoin volume is not what everyone was thinking. https://twitter.com/CarryWorm/status/1751006207521816906
67. Here's the Essential Cardano for January. https://twitter.com/InputOutputHK/status/1750571762046374192
68. The words "free" and "fall" are now being used to describe the condition of the Chinese stock market. It's going to be an interesting year. https://www.newsweek.com/china-stock-market-free-fall-1860933
69. China's economic outlook keeps getting worse. https://www.newsweek.com/china-economy-falling-against-us-dollar-2024-1863428
70. Things are just getting worse in China. https://www.forbes.com/sites/miltonezrati/2024/01/22/chinas-economy-has-picked-up-traits-reminiscent-of-the-great-depression/
71. SEC going after DEXs? https://twitter.com/milesjennings/status/1749899447872749696
72. Xpayments could be very impactful for crypto over the next few years. https://twitter.com/XPayments
73. A great post from the founder of Revuto, Vedran Vukman. https://twitter.com/v_vukman/status/1748207561419923508
74. Legit point about USDC. https://twitter.com/MatthewPlomin/status/1748042857384911188
75. The SEC vs Coinbase hearing went about as expected. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/1747799486955680078
76. Loper Bright Enterprises v. Raimondo happened in the shadow of SEC vs. Coinbase but could be hugely impactful in overturning Chevron and curbing judicial deference to the SEC. https://twitter.com/ArmySpies/status/1748129887926571452
77. The death of the Chevron Doctrine could be huge for crypto and could happen this year. https://www.npr.org/2024/01/17/1224939610/supreme-court-chevron-doctrine
78. A lot of people were probably not expecting this kind of report on Tether's assets. https://twitter.com/nic__cartestatus/1747271523088601515
79. The Milk migration is happening. https://twitter.com/MuesliSwapTeam/status/1750913265662603763
80. It's been hugely predictable for years that Cardano's self-custodied non-slashing staking was going to be a comparative regulatory advantage over ETH. https://twitter.com/IOHK_Charles/status/1757536500164776440
81. Unfortunately, the Robbery Forest seems to be institutionalized at this point for Cardano's biggest competitor. https://twitter.com/moo9000/status/1758450219476234468
82. Not lying about crypto would also be a valid strategy for legacy media. They should consider it. https://twitter.com/GOPMajorityWhip/status/1757848617895829954
83. Thailand has a little something for the crypto world. https://bitcoinist.com/thailands-crypto-becomes-vat-free-are-the-details/
84. What he sees as a big problem is actually the crux of the functionality. https://twitter.com/DocumentingBTC/status/1755227792604639698
85. The CF's 2023 report is out. https://twitter.com/F_Gregaard/status/1755245776647725253
86. Prometheum's launch of ETH services is creating speculation that the SEC may declare a position on whether ETH is a security. https://twitter.com/DeItaone/status/1755248248363589822
87. Subtle early ripples. The beginning of something huge? https://twitter.com/Matt_Hougan/status/1755243999252914498
88. Not to worry: the on/off function of a large Cardano competitor is still functioning as usual. https://twitter.com/WatcherGuru/status/1754828269180903727
89. Oh...so bitcoin mining is an emergency now....okay. Makes perfect sense. https://twitter.com/BitcoinPierre/status/1752842700548718644

~Army of Spies

I have never posted on reddit before and got the idea while googling last night and thought it was a good idea to process it myself.
First of all, English is not my native languague so I apologize for the spelling and poor grammar. And that this will be a very long post and all over the place with several questions and maybe much unnecessary details and segways, and if nobody see this and it get no responses it is fine. I will save this text and probably go through it many times for myself. (after writing this I feel like I ofcourse would appreciate someone to read this, but not necessary) And im telling this from my point of view and which may be a bit off in what reality was like or I could be completly wrong. Anyways this is what I have been going over in my head constantly since the worst day of my life happend. And i´m not an expert in human behaivour and im not saying that im mostly right or mostly wrong. Many things in this text might sound silly and that its only human to have such attatchment to different small gestures or memories when its personal.
Some backstory first:
So a week and a half ago my family had to go through one of the worst things a family can go through, that is the suicide of a loving, carrying and supporting father.. This came very sudden and even though I had contact with him daily, and to me I never picked up any signs at all prior to the last days, weeks, months or before. And have talked to the other closest to him and they have said the exact same thing. (my mother said tho that he has been complaining that he is old and that it is very hard for him to not be like he has been before, energy wise and that he now is retired, he died just after he turned 69. But I can not tell if that is something she is just saying to give us a reason and sooth our doubts of why)... We, siblings who are really close to our parents would not have guessed it in a million years that it would happen to our family, these things doesn´t happen to us... is how we all have felt.
I don´t know how big part i have in his decision. And i´m only a member of this family, and I know that it possible it didnt revolve around me entirely, but its hard not to blame oneself right now.
First some very basic information about my fathers character, as a tribute. Its imposible to sum up someones character in a post but this is what pops up in my head first when I think of him.
First, some good things I thought of my father, and I don´t mean to make this sound like bragging but this is the way I saw him. You could see hi´s emotions but if you asked how he was you would always get a "it´s fine" always even when you had doubts. He was a very handy man who always had something going for him, he was litteraly the definition of stoic. and I have heard countless and countless of people say the same thing about him all my life. He was successful in his trade, he was a very handy engineer who was BRILLIANT at solving handy-man problems. Had an almost superhuman level of discipline, always projects going on for him (not things that was for himself but for family members and friends who needed help). He was a very successful boxer in hi´s youth and kept training and coaching AND was outworking the majority of 40 year old younger cocky guys with high testosterone levels, even tho he was in his late 60s.
(I would train with him and would sometimes have a bad day, feeling lazy during the boxing session and think, to myself: "FUCK THIS i´m going to do this half-assed today"). I NEVER saw him having that mentality, and we are talking for many years, he always had an attitude to go hard TODAY, every day and to not give up or slack.... He had that reputation in our boxing club and I was so proud to tell the ones who didnt know that he was my dad.
It was baffling how helpful he was to everyone around him, even when there were situations regarding me for example and had nothing to do with him. When I thought it was an unfair situation I would complain to him and say: "fuck this, this is unfair! Im not doing this, they cant expect me to do this work, I will not even get an ounce of appreciation from them, nor would they do this for me, they are taking me for granted!" to him. He would just say: "it might be unfair but, come on, lets do it anyways I will help you" and he never made a big deal about such stuff. And something I often will think about and appreciate is that I have always had an fascination for snakes and other reptiles while my father was TERRFIED of them. At the age of 6 he build an enclosure and bought me a corn snake.
I could go on and on and say so much more great stuff about him and the countless of good memories ive had with him... endurance and hard work was just a tiny bit of his warm personality... but that was how he showed his love mainly, to be needed and help out ALL the time when he could was expected but it was never for granted, never... I praised him with love and helped him no matter what (if he wasent to stubborn to try all by himself first)... he was really my inspiration and my hero in that sense.
But as every human, he had hi´s shortcomings, mainly emotional. He would misinterpret things, would yell often to solve conflicts get very emotional without showing any deep real emotions and in my opinion. He would take things personal and often get involved if anyone around him would argue with each other and if someone would raise their voice he would go off. Even if the argument had nothing to do with him and was not severe at all.
So from a very young age I would process it very weirdly and negativly and had a hard time to understand why he was reacting the way he did. I have some very early memories from my childhood of him yelling and me being very confused. In my adulthood I just accepted that you would not get deeper with him even if you tried and try to make him see it from a different point of view. A fun thing is that in some weird situations I feelt that I was hi´s dad, im much bigger than him so I would kiss him on the head and talk to him like he was a child not mockingly but he understood the humour in it.. And I was so happy that he didnt think it was weird. I know that he appreciated every gesture of gratitude that I showed him, that is one thing im sure. .. But I was mainly sad for him that he could not resolve things in other ways that I for example think is easy and obvious... but did not pity him that he handled his emotions the way he did, I accepted it.. And he was still the best father anyone could ask for. So hi´s flaws were minimal to me and I never had the thought in my life of having another father than him.
Boy this is going to be a long text..
Now some things about me, this is going to be harder to write:
Short about my childhood and how I see myself as a person:
I have always had a very weird self image of myself. Even sinse I was a child ive felt different. Many people might do, but for me I have always had a hard time accepting and often doubting who i´m as a person. I had for a pretty high age the need to be close to my parents, I could very rarely stay at anyones house for a sleep over and for a very long time I would find it very hard not to have my parents sleeping in the same room. I was not afraid of the dark or afraid in that sense, I just wanted to feel that they were present and secure. In a way i´m the complete opposite of how my father was. I have no problems talking about feelings, I might not be good at it or see things in the right or positive way all the time, but for me, opening up is not hard nor something I shy away from. I have lived a very ordinary Swedish, middle class life, no REAL challenges at all.. Except for the ones I have up in my head. I have not accomplished anything special in my youth except for being average. I have no childhood trauma, been average in school with average grades and have had a decent amout of good friends. So I have never been tested, until now.
Adult life:
In my family "everyone have bad days and everyone have good days", that has been the moto. But I started getting deeper depressions which were severe but dissapeard and came back from time to time. I waited until I was around 20 to seek help and talk to a doctor. He and I had a long talk and in the end he asked me if I ever been tested for bipolar disorder. I knew nearly nothing about it but agreed to do an evaluation. The doctors I met came to the conclusion that I probably have bipolar disorder type 2. For many years it went up and down with accepting that i´m bipolar and denying it. The same thing with medication, on and off constantly. And the same with my self image and what I can acomplish in with my life. The fact is and this I can not deny is simply the truth. (and not me hating on myself is... That I have been a spoiled man-child a very big part of my adult life and a slacker).
My parents have had hopes for so long that I would succeed and stand on my own two legs and they have made it as easy as can possibly be for someone to make it! After I graduated from upper secondary school (age 18-19 in Sweden) I had the possibility to move and work in another country, ofcourse I quit and gave up 2 months later and moved back.
After that my parents tried and tried to motivate me to get a job, I did not put any real efforts at all. They paid for me to take a truckers license (around 2-3k euro here in Sweden). I did that, and after that my father hired me to work at his company... I had the constant thoughts from time to time that I was hired only because I was the son of the boss and that I was not qualified on top of other dark thoughts. Other times I was proud of myself and thought that I did an excellent job and that I could do almost anything I put my mind to. And I did not want to make my parents dissapointed so I hung in for 4 years, driving a truck and milling asphalt. It was a job that paid very good money so I could do stuff like buy a very nice apartment with extremly affordable rent. gadgets and furniture and most of all, to pay my bills every month.. which is something to be very grateful for and I have been. I quit the job after 4 years and I don´t even remember my reasoning anymore but I think at the time I had told myself that I could achievie something greater than driving a truck.
After that job I was not longer occupied by work (age 25 now). My CV started to get huge gaps after this and my behaviour and madness started to amplifie. And this has basically being my last 6 years:
I started to more frequently focus on the wrong things and was battling with the thoughts of not being good enough to even exist in between of that greatness was soon to come. I have a very hard time prioritizing the right things in the right order or doing it in a healthy or balanced way... Because when I get interested in something I almost always go manic and obsessed by it until the motivation dies out. I then quit and later the process starts over again, like Sisyphus. For example, that my poor self image has alot to do with my looks and how I see myself. I have gained and lost close or more than 400 pounds the last 10 years and I have never been severly obese so it has not been a one time loss. It has been a several times almost alwayys 20-50 pounds up and down at a time. (funny thing ive heard several times from people I havent met in a while is, that they wonder which version of me is going to show up)
So basically when I get depressed I eat myself up to a weight where I hate myself and when I´m manic or just having a positive perspective on life I prioritizing on losing it and go extreme until the cycle repeats itself. Other unhealthy behaviour has been, steroid use and tattooing almost my whole body (with money that I have leeched from my parents mostly). Last but the most painful bad habit I have had that is is that I have been unfaitful countless of times on women that has shown me nothing but love to me and been with me and supported me while I have been depressed... but as soon as I get out of it, get in shape and start seeing myself as good enough I seek validation from several women at the time... And the sad part is that I don´t have any guilt for it when it happens, i have emencly guilt after its done. I make it justifiable in my head that i´m either not worth the emotions of lovers so it doesn´t matter or tell myself that they are probably doing the same thing against me.
During these periods of time I have had several low income jobs that I have taken just to sooth my parents anxiousness and worry about me. But ofcourse after a while I make up something very silly and minor which i decide on in a second in my head and quit. Maybe blame my bipolar or that i´m very soon is going for something better, which never happens.
And during my unemployment I have had my parents pay my bills, feed me and survive, like a leech.. I have justified it and trully believed that change is coming.. And something so sad that I trully know is that they have believied in me to pull it together and finally do it. (It has not feelt like many years but the economic support has been very serious and large.) That is the one thing I have been convinced... They have told me countless and countless of times that "things are going to get better now, we are going to do allright and that the money is the least of our worries and that they never even think about it." Which I go back and forth with doubt and belief.
Now, to the day my father died, on the 26th of april. I had recently completed a 15 week speed course (wow 15 whole weeks of dedication and showing up every day, impressive) to apply for a specific job as a industry worker (which i never really wanted to work with but if someone asked: I was stooked about it). The hiring proccess with all honestly had been delayed a bit but I was convinced that I was going to start work as soon as any day now. And I was actually going to give it a honest shot and fight this time to make it work I had told myself... I don´t know if my parents thought I was lying and that I was just stalling in order to tell them eventually that I was not getting the job, I have no idea...
So unemployed me was just slacking at home on a work day as usual.
Bad timing, a couple of days before: (Just so to happen was that I had been having a stomach issue which had been really bothering me for a long time, I had been been delaying to check up on it but was finally convinced to go to the emergency room as it had gotten much worse. I was not at all worried myself, sure I had been feeling like shit but I thought it would be nothing serious... And I was annoyed that I had to go... Ofcourse I asked my father for a ride and he drove me there, he had this strange worrying look that is not like him. I didn´t ask if he was worried about me or so but I got a weird feeling and I feelt happy to get the confirmation that he cares about me and didnt think I was exaggerating it. He told me to call him when I was free to leave the hospital. The doctor believied that I had stomach ulcer, and possible something else that needs further testing. he wanted me to see an expert and I got an IV and that was that. Quick proccess and nothing too serious. Ofcourse my father picked me up and drove me home again, like always would do if you asked him. We had an ordinary ride home just talking casually.) Later that night I told them that I was exhausted from this and barely could get any sleep..
They offered to bring some grosseriess to my apartment and visit me friday, a couple of days later and help me out a bit to tidy the apartment up and so on... We agreed that they they could arrive at 11 in the morning and I had slept horribly the night before. So I called them long in advance and told them that it was not necessary for them to come and visit. I don´t think I explained that I was just exhausted and I felt irritated when they innsisted to come visit me anyways. I had been sick for a while, but not for so long that my apartment was in the state it was, in my eyes and standards it was not bad but I knew that in my mothers eyes I was almost living in a hoarders home with filth all around me. My mother is very pedantic and takes it very seriously that it looks presenteble. I had this scenario happen to me many times before and when its been much worse. When they come and check on me randomly and that my mother feels like SHE can´t leave until it looks good, for me I have always thought its been hilarious that SHE takes such offense even when it doesnt look that bad. But this time I was angry and irritated just the thought of her precence.
I thought like many times before "that i´m a 30 year old man and will have a fight with one grown adult over a messy apartment and when I get angry over how serious such a silly thing is going to escalate to for then the other one to jump in and get angry and involved because im upset and raising my voice or saying something unneccesary, which he will do as well and will not be able to even comprehend that he is angry and yelling aswell at me now". I could have done some cleaning easily I had plenty of time, I could have changed my mindset and avoided everything. It was not in the state of a hoarders house but for my mother it was almost. But I chose to embrace the in my mind pointless drama that was to come and I was already in a bad mood.
And was preparing lines in my head like "do you live here or do i?" and ridicul her for her taking it so seriously... Even tho I know that she is doing me a favour and helping me out, its a act of kindness. But in my mind she is making me so small making me feel like she is having her disabled fully adult grown son with the cleaning who cant do anything right.
They arrived, she discovered a half decaying piece of chicken and some other nasty stuff in my fridge, some unwashed dishes and that the floors hadent been vaccumed in a good while. Everything would have been done in 25mins max if I just helped. But I chose to tell her that she can take the kitchen but dont enter the bathroom nor the bedroom... It was irritation from both parties from the begining, I told them that I know how it looks, please lets not argue, she went to the fridge and that small thing as a sigh had me over react, she had pulled out a piece of chicken gone bad and showed it to me like it was the worst thing she have seen in 60 years (atleast that was how i saw it). I just grabbed it with my hands while I searched for a garbage bag. My father reacted to that directly and a bit angerly and was so chocked that I grabbed a piece of rotten chicken with my bare hands. Then I let her do her thing and I went to my bedroom and closed the door. Something that I reacted to very strongly is that my mother ordered my father to vaccum my living room floors. I feelt so bad about that I feelt shame, but I didnt tell him that I could do it I just wanted them to leave as soon as possible. I think he really feelt that I didnt want him to do this and for him I dont think the messy apartment was a big deal at all. He discovered that the vaccum cleaning bag had been broken and I was out of them. I was glad because I knew that he would offer to go to a store and buy new ones, which he did. I wanted him to get away
I was the one who started to fight more intensly and when my mother entered my bedroom and started to re-arrange and sort out my computer desk, I overreacted (there is a trend of that) and told her to leave, it escalated more and more and we brought up other stuff that didnt have to do with this silly situation and just in time my father came back and he joined in and we started yelling and arguing... I dont even remember much what I said or he said, but I pointed out that my father had yelled at their little 4 pounds lapdog that they had brought with them how stupid it was to yell to a dog to stop shivvering and moaning (she was afraid of the situation and is very easily scared when in unfimiliar places) and he got embarassed. and other things to try to hurt his feelings like our relationship about me and him, and our bond. When the argument gets to the worst it can get I usually would say things like "how much of a failure im to him and how dissapointed he is in me, and that I can feel it and see it in his eyes." I have never said anything about him that HE is as a bad parent or that I would not love him or respect him as a father ever in my life. While he would say the same thing that "he is the worst parent and that he is worthless and a failure". So we both would attack each other with the same things because it hurts the most I think. After that they would not leave yet so I just randomly got the idea that I had a bottle of wine in my fridge, which i took and was "going to drink in my loneliness". I have not had a drop of alcohol in 2024 and I would not do such a stupid thing to upset my ill stomach. It was a random thought I had in the moment and expected them to call my bluff or dont care at all. But I got a reaction from my father that I did not expect, he got so so mad and upset and he grabbed me and I could see the rage in his eyes while he screamed "are you a fucking alcholic now aswell?" and tried to take the bottle away from me. I did not care about that bottle but I resisted just because. we got very physical, I was sitting in my computer chair while he was grabbing and trying to get that bottle like it was the most important thing ever, that was how upset he was, and I was aswell. The strange thing is that my parents really should know that I dont drink alcohol anymore because I have been taking my fitness goals very seriously the whole year. I did not even care about the bottle, I would most certainly poured it out myself when they left if this wouldnt happen. He got ahold of it at last, stormed out of my bedroom without saying a word, i shut the door and I could hear how he poured it out in the sink and they left, both of us without saying anything else.
I was convinced and was 100% sure, no doubt in my mind at all that both of them was thinking just like me, how laughibly silly that was... Because instantly after that they left, I could even have ran out and stopped them before they drove away from my apartment and say how sorry I was, but I thought that lets cool down a bit its no rush... and would never think in a million year even think how it would turn out... I was feeling ashame and guilt instantly over how unneccessary it was and how immature I was, and how they were aswell. I was not upset or blaming my parents at all for it I just thought it was typical us.. I didnt think of the arguement I feelt most shame that my mother just wanted to help me out a bit and I had to escalate it as often happen..
when we have had fights we always made sure to talk about it nothing deep or how to maturely take up conflicts next time but say sorry and really mean it.. this was a tiny, tiny little arguement that I have had much much worse with my parents for 30 years.. And it was usually my father who had the humour to joke about it how it is some fucked up gene that runs in our family and that it most be from my mothers side.. and how lucky other families are that are normal and never fight and doenst have severe problems as we have...
I waited less than 2 hours before i sent this text to my mother exact words, it was just random I could have just aswell called my father or my mother it was just the timing this time:
I wrote:
I feel so really really bad about my behaviour today....
She responded:
Don´t even think about it anymore. We will always want the best for you, and you know it deep inside that it is true.
After that, I had no thought about the chaotic morning, just that I got the idea and would call them the next day and invite them back again and joke that "they will just have to buy me some stuff on the way before they come to get invited". And then I would probably take it even further and actually send them a list with nonsensical items and pretend to yell on them when they actually arrive without them.
But that did not happen, a police woman called me at 9 o clock at night and told me that my father was dead. And I could not comprehend it, even more when my mother told me that he had hung himself. Before this I had only lost my grandfather to old age and he had been smoking sinse he was 10 and he assured me that he was in peace so I feelt no real sorrow on that funeral. So now I know the unbearable feeling of losing someone that you loved and I wish nobody this feeling ever, but sadly it happens. He did not leave a note and I never got to say good-bye or know why he did it.
My mother has processed this unbeliavble well, atleast she shows that she is strong to us kids, even my sisters are strong even tho we all grief. But I have not shown strength, I have had been rushed to the pshyciatric emergency clinic 3 times in hope of a bit or relief but I feel better when i´m alone, and I know that my sisters are taking care of my mother and that I don´t have to worry about her safety.
It´s a very weird feeling because now it feels like nothing can ever bother me again, every little problem and anxiety or worry feels like it will not even make a dent. I hope so for the future atleast.
I have taken this very badly and seek temporarly numbness, the psychatric wards are refusing to prescribe stronger pills due to my history as bipolar, or that is not the whole reason they say but they offer me anti anxious non addictive weak pills that I have been taken for a decade now and even in the past it havent helped me enough or very very little. I told them that it was like throwing a cup of water at a massive burning building. The ironic thing is that we argued about alcohol the last thing we did, which I did not drink, and now because I want to numb myself even for the small temporary moments it helps so I have been drinking every day and night sinse it happend. And I had money to pay for my rent and such, and my mother knows it.. So it´s funny how I have and will blow all my money on alcohol now... but! I will refuse to take a single dollar from her from now. But better times will come, in honour of my father.

Hello everyone you and librarians have been very kind to me when I need to vent, I appreciate it, the city I work for is dealing with a lot of social issues like homelessness, mental health, and drug abuse, and my branch is the downtown one.
my other posts help paint the picture (ranged from what I consider most to least extreme):
Accumulation of many stories
Stalker behavior™
Is it disability or are you on drugs?
Read the dam signs
The library closes we dont live here
my 2nd year here has just come to it's end so this and the next will be my worst stories:
30 minutes before closing a man around my age (mid to late 20s) came in, at first normal conversation at first checking on his card to make sure he'd be able to log into a computer and looking for a specific book we likely don't have because it sounds higher education and public libraries don't carry university textbooks both things he seemed to understand.
1 slightly weird thing when I handed him back his card he didn't seem to acknowledge it or recognize it was his for a second I assumed he was distracted with something on his mind and reminded him to take his card back.
less than 10 minutes later he's bringing something up to our security guard briefly and something in the tone feels off only recognizable if it's slow and you're trying to pay attention to it like me.
security is confused and concerned coming back to the desk but can't explain anything before this guy is up front again with tone, patience, and speech pattern completely changed and one of the most frustrating 1/2 an hour of my life begins.
This guy is very clearly mentally unwell and I dont take that lightly when I say it but he went from fairly average patron to speaking in circles in a matter of minutes the chef's complaints are:
1 noone is helping him with the computer (never asked anyone whose job it is to do that) 2 he can't find a book (already explained that it's a large branch fairly certain he has not even seen the collection yet) 3 while he was in the washroom someone went through his bag (there are signs everywhere saying bring the dam thing in with you people are semi-regularly stolen from on this site) 4 where all talking about him behind his back and he's going to sue for disability discrimination.
he goes through these four in a rapid section a frustrating time as we can't focus on one thing long enough to solve a dam thing "we can look at the cameras to see if someone went through your bag *why dont you do your job and show me how to use the computer* " sure I can take a look" *your discriminating against my disability (bunch of legal jargon bs)* "what was the name of the book you where looking for?" *those signs shouldn't be out here its the library's responsibility if I'm stolen from*
this nonsense goes on for far to long before the legal stuff and threatening to sue actually become the focal point and I can finally leave the desk to the coworker there and security and get the librarian and manager for the night from her office.
I'm sure my exasperated look and rushed explanation were quite the look nearing 8 pm in the middle of the week on an otherwise lovely late August day.
we get back and there is now a 5th item on the long set rambling his phone is missing and hes been over a huge branch at this point checking the washroom has produced nothing calling and checking all the shelving has been done nothing.
he wants none of us to leave until it is found and brags about being rich and that he'd pay us, which is not happening, we've all worked 8 hours, and it's getting exhausting just being around him.
before leaving he's checking through his bag and a few weird clues to the situation come up despite the rambling has some education and legal knowledge a book about chemistry, a small backpack no other clothes, and somewhat expensive things like a nice wallet, Nintendo Switch, a medication bottle and is wearing clean clothes these are signs he has a place to sleep at night, store items, and access to some money.
the medication bottle has no cap and just tape over the opening and Meany pills are lose in the bottom of the backpack, he just shakes it like he can't comprehend tape won't keep it all together (and is probably the source of some of it missing and leaves.
only around 10 minutes late to get out, to my knowledge has been back to the branch if there are people out there supposed to be caring for him I hope they are with him now because places that aren't us (free public service meant for everyone) won't put up with it.

I'm a Brazilian with Japanese ascendence, so I took the opportunity to take a work visa and lived in Japan by myself for 2 years. I'm really skeptic, have no religion and always laughed when people talked about ghosts, but that changed a bit in Japan. I had a very tough job in a car factory, that got me exhausted every day and made me sleep almost instantly when I got to bed. After moving to an apartment closer to the factory (it was like a house with only 1 floor, but with other houses connected side by side), some strange things started happening, sometimes even making me stay awake. It started with the front door being unlocked in a handful of occasions. I'm pretty sure I always locked it (I live in Brazil after all and everyone here has this habit). It was a electronic lock that I had to insert a pin to unlock, and the job contractor that arranged the apartment rental for me instructed to reset the pin, so that only I had the pin. No big deal, I thought that electronics sometimes fail, even though it was an expensive lock with a new battery on it. Next, another weird thing started happening. During the night, the hall lamp would light up by itself, and it was a motion activated lamp. Again, no big deal, electronics fail. Then another weird thing. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, the kitchen lights would be on. And I always turn everything off after leaving. Well, maybe my memory was not good and I forgot it on. And one night, around 3am, I woke up with a hustling sound. With the dim light of a led clock, I saw a plastic bag from the grocery store floating around. I thought that it was wind from a window or the AC and fell asleep again. But in the morning, I saw that all windows were shut and that the AC was off, so there was no wind source... Then it got weirder, I've got chills as I'm typing it. Another night, when returning home from work, lights were on again and I had a huge feeling that someone was inside the apartment. The hairs on my arms all got up and even with the goosebumps, I was thinking that maybe someone broke inside. I took a kitchen knife and looked at every corner of the apartment. Nothing, just the feeling that I was alone again. And to finish with style, when I was about to return to Brazil, the weirdest thing happened. Again, returning home from work late at night, I got the feeling that I was not alone, this time even stronger. The lights were off, so I entered with caution. Then on the corner of my eye, in the dark bathroom, I saw what looked like an old man inside the ofuro (Japanese bathtub) with a towel in the forehead. I froze, not knowing what to do. After a few seconds, I took the courage and turned the lights on, looking directly at the bathroom, but it was empty, nobody in the ofuro... That night, I could not sleep. After that, I always left some light on. And until I left the apartment for good, nothing else happened. Sorry for the looong story, but what do you guys think? Was it the toll of manual labor 12 hours every day? Was someone pranking/stalking me? Would love to hear if someone had experiences like that in Japan (some people told me that Japan is a hotspot for ghosts)

We’ll be camping with our 5.5 month old soon and I’m curious if anyone has any good tips…
Also I’m a little unsure of how to dress him. Right now it’s about 40 degrees at night. We have a little mo down sleeping bag, a wool onsie, and a fleece LL bean micro bundting type outfit. Is that too much?

I’m exhausted. Exhausted from being the backbone. Making plans. Being an emotional punching bag. Doing all the research. I signed up for this. I know. Nobody said being a parent was easy. My husband does what he can but he could do more lets be real. I could also voice my needs more and I don’t. I don’t even know what I need half the time because my day is so consumed with other people’s feelings that when I get asked about my own I’m almost dumbfounded. Sometimes I want to disappear. I convince myself that my children would be better off if my husband met someone else and they raised them. Maybe she would make them happy. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I love my husband, he’s my best friend. I’m just so tired of having to be positive for everyone. Of always being the one to have to find the silver lining. We don’t have a support system. It’s just us. He works 12 hour days and has to wake up at 3:30 am. Our options are limited. I have to remind myself that this phase isn’t forever. It’s not forever and the moments they’re this little are fleeting. But tonight I’m on edge because the baby isn’t sleeping well, and I know the moment I close my eyes she’s going to wake up again. So I sit here anxious in anticipation. Sobbing…

During these hard time we need to keep our spirits high, so I've taken the liberty to do so, it a challenge board and each challenge is associated with the corresponding song. Kinda, some are more than others. If you choose to accept the challenges you can, put them on a randomized wheel, go in order, or choose your own order. It would be nice to have evidence that you have completed a challenge, but it's not completely required. If you can not do a quest for some reason I'll make an alternative quest for you. If you have any questions fell free to ask. Good luck! And don't die. ^{This will cost some money if you don't already have the required instruments/tools to continue}
Ricky - Watch any 10 episodes of “I Love Lucy.” 10pt
Gotta Boogie - Go the whole day without blowing or picking your nose. (You can still scratch your nose.) 7pt
I Love Rocky Road - Eat some Rocky Road ice cream. 3pt
Buckingham Blues - At 3:00 pm have a Twinkie with your Afternoon Tea. 5pt
Happy Birthday - Eat a piece of broccoli and chug a can/bottle of Root Beer or regular Beer. 5pt
Stop Draggin’ My Car Around - Take a photo of you and your car. (3 Bonus points if it's getting towed.) 4pt + 3bpt
My Bologna - Make one of Al’s favorite sandwiches, Bologna and Mustard on your favorite toasted bread. 5pt
The Check's In The Mail - Al's Mail Bag Theme Looks like there's a check, and it's for you. 4pt
Another One Rides The Bus - Do something that is related to a bus. Like, Take a picture of a bus side advertisement art, or Hit a bus tire. (Most creative gets 3 bonus points.) 5pt + 3bpt
I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead - Act super duper hyper and try not to eat anything organic or any health food that makes you sick. And when you're going to sleep, lay down like you're in a coffin. 8pt
Such a Groovy Guy - Wear your sunglasses all day, (And if you have alligator boots & skin tight pants, wear them as well.) 6pt
Mr. Frump In the Iron Lung - Tell someone via text or in person “Get well soon!”. 4pt
Pac-Man - Play and win a game of Pac-Man anywhere on anything. 3pt
There might be more if people like this.
If you're reading this, hi.

tldr: Mainly for all younger or pretty women!!! Rude elderly man, orders you around, completely disrespects and demeans you. Lives out of hotels til he gets to “assisted care living” AVOID AT ALL COSTS! He will give you the position of “caregiver” for cash of $30/hr. But even with the money, if an accident happens and he says “that’s my caregiver”… we ARE NOT caregivers and we could get in serious shit from taking cash from him without any caregivers license, etc.
There’s a guy that will only tip cash… I went on a delivery to a hotel this old man was staying at. He tried handing me a $20, mileage kinda far, but it was late at night and trying to reach my target goal of $$$. But as he handed me the $20, he went onto say I don’t have cash for this, so I said, I have cash in my wallet in the car, I can go get it… when I returned he suddenly had a $100 bill. And then he said, I’ll give you $100 if you come sit with me. He barely ate his food. He had old age issues, and then he went onto offer me a gig including $30 per hr, per day, if I just “hang out”caregive... He didn’t try anything on me, so of course I took the job. But then he wanted me to look up lovematches of Asian women online, saying they’re the most subservient and grateful… anytime I spoke, and I was polite too, he’d randomly tell me to shut up. If he started speaking about something I knew all about, he didn’t like it and told me to shut up. He asked me about my life and while my parents are alive, he said “I don’t want to hear anything about this anymore. Your parents are dead…” He also criticized me for apparently using the restroom for “too long” if I had to change a feminine product. I actually confronted him on the “your parents are dead thing” that the next day saying, “you don’t know my family history or my life story.. you have no right to say that about my parents…”, surprisingly he apologized but said “we’re never discussing them or your life again”. I drove his car, and I was either going too slow or too fast. He gave some girl just bringing food out of a restaurant a fat tip just cause he wanted to talk to her more, while I’m in the drivers seat like wanting to leave, this was stupid. He also said when I first started working for him, mostly sitting in his hotel room and getting other UE deliveries and asking me to find Filipino or Asian women in the area, it was gross, nobody appealed to him so he’d tell me to “get rid of this…”. He was old, rude, could barely walk. He randomly wanted to buy an SUV and yelled at the lady when it was literally the dealerships closing time. Then when we got back to the hotel, he accused her of stealing his pink slips which were in a bag he carried. I found them for him… no apologies and said he was gonna file a complaint against her. I always worked for him in the afternoon all the way til sometimes 3am… I was so tired and would just pass out as soon as I got home and another thing he said was “you have no idea how many caregivers I’ve had to fire, but your time is your time, and if I can’t reach you, I’ll get someone else”. My last night working for him, he asked me to go grocery shopping for him the next day, no time specified. He wanted premium food from Bristol farms, Gelsons, Whole Foods. And handed me $100 bill, I said I don’t think this is gonna be enough for your list… he also had not paid me for the time he owed me that night. He said he’d get more cash the next day and pay me. Anyways, since I always worked afternoon til 3am, like always, and he didn’t specify a time for his grocery’s… I was sound asleep and woke up to a number of missed calls and texts. He was saying “hello” “why aren’t you answering my calls” “What is wrong with you?” WHAT THE FUCK” Amongst other rude things as if I was a servant. When I woke up, I apologized and politely said, “when you hired me, you said my time is my time. And I also have ONLY worked afternoons/evenings/nights/late nights for you. I was with you til nearly 3am and need sleep.”… the response, “JUST SHUT UP, I don’t care to hear your excuses, apologies, or whining…. leave the $100 at the front desk in an envelope with my name. Don’t message me again” oh but I did… I said “if it’s gonna be like that, you never paid me for last nights services, and I was there alllll night. Technically you owe me $xx amount of money”, he just said “fine take it. Enjoy the tip”.
I made over $1000 that week. It sucked to lose the easy money, at the same time, putting up with his BS desires was hell… he was verbally abusive, a random thought would pop into his head and all of a sudden I had to fix or get on it for him… I barely could utter a word without a “shutup, you’re doing it wrong, don’t you know anything” response.
My next shift as an UE driver, my very first drive was a restaurant that only gave me one bag of a two bag order. Stupidly I didn’t check, but the dumb lady said “that’s all of it.” I got to the destination, quickly received a phone call complaining it was only half their order. I went back to the house to apologize this never happened to me before, they said “can you go back and get the rest, we will take care of you…” I didn’t trust that they would, but I did it anyways. I got to the house with the rest of the food, they said “thank you so much for your effort, look down, $40 in a bag with a handwritten note from the family. Then they tipped me further on UE. A $110 unicorn of a tip on my very first order on UE after caring for the old, rude man. It was more satisfying, although more of an effort. I held onto that sandwich bag that had the cash in it with the handwritten note in sharpie on the bag. So much more satisfying and gratifying.
Anyways. That’s it. It is a rant. But warning to ladies working So-Cal that encounter this old creepy man... Is the money worth the absolute rudeness and disrespect for one’s feelings??? Just wanted ladies to know. Incase some old man tries to entice you with some weird cash tip trick, then you’re stuck at his every beck and call.

I think venting into an empty void is helpful, sorry if my post isn't very readable.
My 7 month long relationship just ended, and I feel sad but not as sad as I thought I would feel. It's such a mixed bag of emotions. I'm really sad that I won't get to see her anymore, but I always felt that even at our strongest she never really wanted to put in the effort that I put in.
Everything felt like an uphill battle, from just simply hanging out to sleeping over at her place, to just getting affirmation from her. She never directly said she liked me (or reaffirmed her feelings), never complemented my appearance, and never talked about our future. Just these things really collected overtime and manifested.
But the sad part in me will really miss her company. She was so smart and kind, one of the kindest people I've ever met. She wanted me to become a more compassionate and better person, and I'm going to miss that.
I really don't know how to feel, I'm just so conflicted. I wanted to cry but nothing is coming out, and I want to feel terrible but part of me is almost relieved that I dont need to worry about this anymore. Maybe once I realize she's actually gone, and will never be in my life the emotions will come back. But for now I just feel nothing.

In many suicide cases that I've worked, people will often make the decision to end their life, plan it out, and then feel happy in their last days on Earth, knowing that the solution to their pain is coming. Well, I've made my decision, but I still feel as terrible as ever.
Hi, I'm 24f and I'm a medicolegal death investigator for my county medical examiner. My job is to see death, all day every day. This was my dream job, and I actually very much enjoy it. It is not the main reason why I am making this post today, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't contribute to the pain I face daily. If you'll bear with me, I'll explain.
My relationship with my family has been rocky my entire life. I grew up with parents who did not love each other, fought every day, and swore they'd divorce when my younger brother and I became adults. They ended up filing when I was 14. It was a messy, ruthless five-year-long divorce proceeding that put the four of us through hell. When it was finally over, my father decided to blame me for all the money this divorce cost him, saying, and I quote, "You rape me for my money." Mind you, this was because I was asking for tuition assistance for college. Relationship with dad, gone.
Next is my mom. In my childhood, we never got along. She wanted me to be a picture-perfect mini-me. She drilled into my head that I need to be a super successful doctor who cures cancer and saves the world, and anything else is a failure, not even wondering if that was something I wanted to do. Straight A's were mandatory and expected, and if I had the slightest slip-up, I was physically beat. I remember the first time I felt suicidal was when I got beat for getting a B+ on a math test. I was 11 years old.
The stress of my home life and the pressure to be perfect finally manifested into mental illness when I was in high school. I was so depressed, all I did was schoolwork and sleep. I quit all of my hobbies. I starved myself and I cut myself and somehow I just found comfort in that. Comfort in being the one to dish out the punishments to myself.
And then... I met a boy who saw how broken I was, so I became the subject of his sadistic fetish.
From age 15 to 18, I was trapped in an abusive relationship. I loved this boy with my whole heart. He knew that, and it made torturing me all the more exciting for him. Gaslighting. Manipulation. The silent treatment. Egging me on to commit suicide, because if I was "serious," then I'd be dead already. Forcing me to watch gore porn (which he found funny) and using my dream career against me when I was uncomfortable ("How will you be a medical examiner if you can't handle this?"). Stalking me. Having his friends gang up on me to make fun of me. Isolating me from all of my friends, nearly all of them hate me to this day.
Then the worst of the worst happened.
When I was 17, in my first week of college, I found out I was pregnant. I chose abortion. My anesthesia wouldn't work, and I was awake for the entire procedure. When all was done, I begged for a scrap of emotional support from my boyfriend, and he gave me nothing. That was the day I beat the ever loving shit out of him. The only time I ever laid hands on a romantic partner. My family knows nothing about this. I dealt with, and continue to deal with, the burden of my choice, all by myself.
I finally broke up with him after he raped me while I was extremely drunk in a hotel room. Months later, I ended up finding out that this fucking asshole lied to me about his entire life, where he went to school, even his name. I dated a false identity. It sounds unbelievable, but I promise you I am not lying. He is still out there somewhere. I live my life in immense fear of the day he comes back to find me and kill me. I was later diagnosed with PTSD.
I finished college by the skin of my fucking teeth. It took me 5 years. My depression was so heavy, I could barely go to class. I don't even think I deserve my degree. I wanted to go to medical school and realized I was too stupid.
Now that I'm working in this field, I consider the opportunity to have just been luck. Because every day, I'm reminded that I'm rt****. I am undiagnosed on the autism spectrum (I could have been diagnosed as a child, but my parents didn't want an autistic kid). My terrible social skills seem to get worse as I get older. Every third sentence that comes out of my mouth sounds fucking stupid. I deal with grieving people and I don't know how to help them. I see suicide after suicide, and I grow jealous of the bodies in our morgue. Jealous of their peace. Their minds have turned off, and I wish mine would too. So I could stop reliving my trauma, night and day. Please just turn it off.
I don't belong on this planet. I never have. I know it'd be a better place without me, but I'm not happy to be dying. Nothing makes me happy. I'm lonely and miserable, and my depression pushes everyone away. They think I'm too much. Too broken. I know I could have been something great, but this world and its people don't want me here. I'm a punching bag, a loser, a waste of oxygen. Hopeless. I was made to suffer. I was born to be a suicide statistic. Why me? Why did I have to be born as me? Why won't the suffering end?

Anyone have reccs for a wide liner? Looking for one for my quilt, and a narrow liner defeats the purpose of a wide quilt and pad.

My house is a mess. Just mess everywhere. My landlord emailed us Friday to say he will be here Wednesday morning taking photos of the house for insurance purposes. I have 3 kids. (6, 4 this month, and almost 6 months) I went back to work last month full time after doing part time stints and I’m so overwhelmed!
There’s SO MUCH laundry to put away. The baby only sleeps in my bed. He refuses to sleep alone so I’m up all night terrified he’ll be crushed or smothered when he sleeps well and then some nights he’s up every 2 hours to nurse. I pump all day at work and come home and have to bag the milk. The dishes are constant and I’m sick of washing them.
My spouse is pretty awesome at caring for the kids but that leaves me a huge chunk of the housework. When he gets home he does homework with the oldest and he’s so tired he often passes out while doing homework with her. We’re both teachers. It’s the end of the year and it’s SO BUSY.
I feel fat. I’m going on a trip next month and I can’t diet because it affects my milk supply, but when do I have time to work out? I look awful in every article of clothing I own and it’s starting to affect me.
Believe it or not, I don’t have PPD this time around, I’m just overwhelmed by all the things and exhausted. We have no support. People only want to help by holding the baby. I need someone to help me clean and fold laundry and put shit away.
Anyway, how do y’all do it??