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Hi and thank you to all of you - your posts, comments, insights played a huge part in my success today as I passed my PMP exam with AT in all the domains. I want to give it back to this community by sharing my own preparation and exam experience. Please do not compare this to your own preparation as I feel everyone has their own perception of 'comfort' and 'confidence' when it comes to exam preparations. Background: 5 years in the construction industry/management consulting - managing capital projects. This helped me a little bit in familiarizing with Traditional concepts of the exam during my preparation. I am currently in a position where I am supporting PMO service to a client, which again helped a little bit. I had little to no knowledge of Agile before preparing for this exam. Study Resource and Tips:
Andrew Ramdayal's (AR) Udemy Course -https://www.udemy.com/course/pmp-certification-exam-prep-course-pmbok-6th-edition/ Most of my knowledge for the PMP exam content came from this course. I went through the course at 1x, 1.25x, 1.5x depending upon my level of comfort of the topic. I took notes as needed. I do not recommend printing Andrew's resource sheets that he has tagged with his course items/chapters as I felt most of it can be covered using your own hand-written notes (or atleast I know I learn faster that way). His Mindset Videos are EXCELLENT. Highly Recommend.
Andrew Ramdayal's TIA Simualtor - https://tiaexams.com/product/pmp-exam-simulator-course/ Bought this after I was done with AR's Udemy course to test out my knowledge. In all honestly, these simulators are great for preparations and I would highly recommend taking these mocks tests.
PMI Study Hall - Bought this because of all the reddit posts/comments recommending the Study Hall mock tests. I absolutely recommend this. If there was anything that came close to the real exam it was the Study Hall Mock Test. This prepared me the most for D-Day from a exam question type/length/wording perspective.
200 Agile Questions PMP Questions and Answers by David McLachlan -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNIHysh2ZW4&t=20967s Great resource. Once you have finished Agile section on AR's Udemy Course (or any other instructor's course) - I'd recommend watching this video at 1.5x to revise your Agile knowledge and understanding. In all fairness, I only watched upto 170 questions and I believe there are some really really great questions in his videos.
PMBOK VI Edition and Agile Knowledge Book - I read the books once. Did it significantly improve my understanding? - No.
Study Routine and Mock Scores: I was studying everyday (I planned it out on Excel and tried to stick with it mostly) with a full time job that required anywhere from 40-50 hours/week commitment. On weekends, I studied for over 6 hours easily. Started watching AR's videos on Oct 12, 2022 Finished watching AR's videos on Oct 21, 2022 Took AR's Course Exam on Oct 22, 2022 - Score 85% For the next week - Oct 23 - Oct28 TIA Mock 1 - 69% TIA Mock 2 - 69% TIA Mock 3 - 77% TIA Mock 4 - 86% TIA Mock 5 - 80% TIA Mock 6 - 75% OVERALL - 76% Kept revising some key concepts from my handwritten notes. Oct 29, 2022 Study Hall Mock 1 - 73% (Moderate - All Correct, Difficult - Mostly Correct, Expert - Got only a couple correct) Didn't take the 2nd mock test. Took 2 Study Hall Mini Quizzes - Scored 33% and 57% Oct 30, 2022 - Nov 2, 2022 Was at a client location, so could barely revise anything and only watched David McLachlan's 200 Agile Questions and AR's Mindset Videos whenever I could. Nov 3, 2022 - D-Day! Woke up with a mild headache as I flew redeye back home to take the exam. [O DO NOT RECOMMEND TRAVELLING OR ANY BIG TIRING ACTIVITY THE DAY BEFORE] Exam: Reached the testing center 40 mins before the exam, they allowed me to start the exam before the time, I just wanted to get it over it at this point. Started the exam, felt like I was taking the Study Hall mock test to be honest. The first 60 questions I dont think I had much difficulty with. The 60-120 is where I struggled and 120-180 was probably the easiest. Finished the exam with 30 mins remaining. 0 questions on SPI/CPI/EV calculation 0 questions on Org Structure 0 questions on Risk Management/Response Type (Avoid, Accept, Transfer, Mitigate) 0 questions on network diagram/float calculations 0 questions on conflict resolutions (smoothing, withdrawing,............) A ton of questions on Agile Situations (Mindset id the key!) 2 drag and drops - 1 on agile roles and 1 on - parkinson's law, student syndrome (took me by surprise, had no idea and I completely guessed it) 8 - multiple choice questions (choose 2, choose 3) Exam and General Tips:
Time Management is the key here. I marked on the sheet of paper that they gave, the time I was finishing up the 60 questions mark. This always kept me in check with time remaining and how many questions have I completed/remaining and what my velocity (see what I did there ;]) should look like for the rest of the exam. The timer starts at 230 and countdown till you reach Q60 and then the screen to review your first 60 questions comes on, the timer DOESNT STOP while you are reviewing so manage time accordingly if you have a ton of questions to review (hopefully not). Then you get a break for 10 mins. Your exam starts at Q61 and so does the timer from where you left it. Q120 - same review screen, the timer is still going on while you review and then you get another break for 10 mins. The exam then starts at Q121 and goes upto Q180, you get to review your last section.
Please utilize the breaks during the exam. It really helped me to just step out, drink water, eat a cookie, use the restroom. Do whatever helps you remain calm.
Please hold yourself accountable to a study plan and stick to it. This will help you oriented towards taking the exam in a given timeframe and will set you up for success.
I don't think memorizing the 49 process will do you any good. Understanding the process, its inputs, its tools and the output is way more valuable and important than just remembering the processes. I remember all 49 by heart (I did it just for the sake of it but realized it was redundant as I was getting the grasp of how different process interact anyway) and it didn't really help anywhere today on the exam.
Watch the AR mindset videos. Watch the AR mindset videos. Watch the AR mindset videos.
Review ALL the questions you get incorrect on TIA, Study Hall or whatever mock exam you end up taking. It is essential to understand the WHY? behind the correct answer and almost everytime the correct answer had something to do with mindset. This will help you fill any gaps in your understanding.
Good luck to all of you! I hope each and everyone of you succeed. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions. #pmp #projectmanagement #project
My family and I are thinking of hiring a caregiver for myself while I'm recovering from an injury. Most of my family members and the people that I know they have to go to work school, etc. we're aware of the basics like running a background check, their education, their experience. One of the people that I know that are helping me with this Also suggest that we run a contract. Would that be a good idea? What other steps do we have to take that we missed? Thanks!
2024.06.09 13:53 Ordinary-Gap-2627Am I wrong in thinking that the Palestinian protestors who spray paint and vandalize don't actually care about the cause at all?
I think this goes for any "activists" that spray paint graffii of their message or just do any unruly protesting that isn't peaceful. I genuinely think these people have nothing going on in their lives, and are just bored and want something to do. I think it's exactly why people stormed the capital, why some "BLM protestors" looted and destroyed property, and why some of these free palestine people are vandalizing and throwing shit at a park ranger. They just have nothing to do. They don't actually care about the cause they're so called protesting for, they're just bored. I bet if you did a background check on any of these people you'd find none of them are productive members of society.
2024.06.09 13:52 Responsible-Dish-769[Columbia Heights] TWO townhouse rooms: upstairs & downstairs
hello! I have two units available in a Columbia Heights townhouse. House is <5 min walk from grocery store, target, metro. Quiet, sweet block. *DETACHED GARAGE* and more.
1: $1100. 11x9 ft with private balcony. This is in a 3B2.5Ba house with 2 professional young men. The bath is shared with just one person. WD, AC, hardwood floors, recessed lights, lots of storage. Avail immediately.
2: $2050. basement 1B/1Ba unit with sep entrance. also has a WD, renovated floors, recessed lights, exposed brick. Avail. 7/1.
1 month security deposit & standard credit/background check required. Unfurnished. Interested in one-year lease.
2024.06.09 13:48 ThrowAwaySmoresUnplanned update and advice needed.
Original post with an update: https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/ps9DerJ1JV Update: https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/9xlFdxiIG6 Related Post: https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/ktQ8qm85S2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wasn’t planning on updating again until after the baby was born, but a lot has happened since I last posted. I found a very nice couple to adopt my unborn baby. They have two sons and one daughter already. My dad and lawyer did background checks and everything. They’re a nice family who want a large family. They have two biological children, but can no longer have any more, so, they want to adopt as many as they’re allowed. But unless I get their permission, that’s all I can tell you about them right now. I don’t know how much they want out there. But they said they would give their daughter any letter or note write to her once she reached fourteen or fifteen depending on when they think she’s ready and can comprehend everything. I know a lot of people have been getting on me because I say uncle and aunt instead of aunt and uncle. I think someone even corrected me on that. I get aunt and uncle may sound better, but I say uncle first because he’s my dad’s brother and my aunt married in. If my aunt were my dad’s sister, I would say aunt first. Maybe that’s wrong, but that’s how I put it. But getting to them. My uncle is in jail for getting drunk and then getting into a verbal fight with my dad and a physical fight with some people in public. My aunt is in a psychiatric ward after threatening suicide after I continued to deny her my unborn baby. It only got worse when she found out I found a couple. My grandpa had a mild stroke and was temporarily placed in a different home than grandma. He sincerely apologized for saying everything he said and did, but still thinks I’m being ungrateful. Still, he said he supports my decision and won’t stop me. My grandma apologized to dad but refused to look at me until a few days ago. She said she was sorry and that she understood that being a mother at fifteen is difficult. But that was why I should have let my uncle and aunt have my unborn baby. However, I’m going to be sixteen in two weeks, so I’ll be sixteen when my baby is born. So, seeing as I will be sixteen, I should be able to handle being a mother. Not only that, but this may be my only chance to have a baby. And that got me thinking about what if she’s right. What if this was my only chance? But I also know I’m not ready and that I would feel awful if I backed out of the adoption when I really liked the couple. So, my grandma is back to refusing to have anything to do with me. I decided that if this was the only chance I got to be pregnant, then it’s just not meant to be. If I can’t have any babies in the future, I’ll get plenty of ice cream and maybe some more cats, dogs, hamsters, or whatever. I would love to be a mom in the future, but whatever happens, happens. I’m just starting to become comfortable and my therapist says keeping the baby could throw everything off. But she also says it’s my choice. I must be blind or really stupid because I didn’t realize my dad was gay (or bi) and that his best friend who is always over helping is actually his boyfriend. I didn’t know and just thought he was a very good friend. I accept them because they seem very happy together. And I believe love is love. However, I really wish I didn’t find out the way I did. Short version: it was late at night and I got up to use the bathroom. I heard noises coming from my dad’s room that I didn’t recognize, so I went to investigate. And that’s where I’m leaving that. My dad’s teaching assistant came over a few weeks ago and I met him. He’s very, very nice. He just turned nineteen. He knows I was attacked and that I’m putting the baby up for adoption. He also knows that certain family members are against it, but he doesn’t know any personal details. He asked me out on a date last week. Dad said fine, but it had to be supervised. My friends and their partners were supposed to go with. The date was supposed to be Friday afternoon. However, I became sick and it only became worse as the days went by. Dad finally made me go to the ER Thursday night. I have two blood clots: a small one in my chest and a medium-sized one next to my right lung. So, I’ve been stuck in the hospital since then. And I will be stuck here until they say the clots are manageable outside of the hospital. However, the nurses and one doctor recommended that because I am pregnant and am due soon, I should just stay in the hospital until after she is born. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t want to stay in the hospital any longer than I have to. Originally I was told I was due at the end of July or beginning of August. Now they’re saying most likely July. Please, can someone give me any advice because everyone I know is telling me to listen to the doctors. My cats are still kittens and would destroy the cords, so they can’t be here. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Howdy! I (23F) am quickly approaching my 1 year anniversary of employment (June 20th). I really love my job, and because people are constantly asking questions about the work I do, I figure doing an AMA might be fun! Some background information: I have a B.A. in Anthropological Studies, with most of my interest being in cultural anthropology and death practices across various cultures. I had no intention of being in the medicolegal field or working with (sometimes) freshly dead bodies. I have been told that "forensic techs" aren't a standardized position, so every office will require different levels of training. It is my understanding that we have a little bit more training than average, so we do eviscerations, specialized dissections, in-house dental (DEXIS), etc. I have done autopsies on all stages of life, all stages of decomposition, simple cases like heart attacks and complex cases like amniotic fluid embolisms. Homicides, suicides, drug overdoses, traffics, etc. are regular, daily occurrences for us. *Specific locations and the name of my office will not be shared. No identifiable information of specific decedents will be shared. Proof links! TW: Blood https://ibb.co/Y38jz6Hhttps://ibb.co/Sf2HTKF
2024.06.09 13:32 Dtr_1555AITA for wanting sole custody of my son until my ex fiance got his mental health straight?
So I (20f) met my ex fiance(22m) when I was living in TN and met him off of bumble and just before a year after dating we got engaged and shortly later we were getting kick out of my aunts house (very long story) so I was moving back to Utah to live with my mom while getting back on my feet. He followed with me to Utah. Shortly after we moved, I ended up pregnant, we didn't think I could because we had gone MONTHS with nothing, but it turned out to be stress preventing my body from allowing pregnancy. Everything was wonderful. Great sweet guy, caring and thoughtful, and not the best at communicating, especially with his emotions. He was better than any person on social media as a support person during labor, and shortly after, our som was in the nicu, and I had a c section, so it was rough. But he was amazing with it all! And a great dad and very involved and caring. Then, 4 months post partum, I find out all this stupid shit. This is our first son, and there were complications . He's a little extra needy when it comes to food and gaining weight. He had an iugr and was 1 month premature. I was going to be staying at home to take care of our kiddo cause that was my dream, and at the time, he said he wouldn't be able to take care of the kiddo by himself. Well, about 2.5 months into post partum, he stopped being fully present, I was doing everything with the rare times he would do stuff. I thought everything was okay, and he was struggling with post partum depression because he was still sweet, caring, loving, and still seemed like he wanted to be a part of the family. Arguments started about him not helping around the house, him hardly helping with kiddo, and when I would try to wake him up he would lay there pretending to be asleep or yelling at me that he's not gonna wake up. He started to live in his truck as I started to speculate cheating but couldn't figure out how to pinpoint it, and the engagement ring came off. Small background when we were engaged, and he pretty much was getting screwed over with a car his parents pulled a loan for when he was 16, but he was paying for it. He couldn't purchase a car and needed one asap, so I helped by putting the loan in my name. Well shortly after kicking him out I told him if he couldn't get the loan in his name I'll have to get rid of the car cause of the dept to income for an apartment even if he pays on it as well as me being scared that he'd just screw me over. One other back story i saw him texting a women on snapchat and I asked who she was (because previously there was multiple arguments about him needing to stop talking and unadd the same ex of his an another about him liking half naked women on instagram). He says that it's one of the people from his gaming group, she lived in a neighboring state, which turned out as a lie. One day when doing laundry at a mat I was loading up in the back of the car and saw him open a snap of hers and respond, both of them putting in a lot of effort in the photos (which he doesn't do for me). I get in and tell him that's not her being friendly she's trying to fuck you and be a home wrecker, hah I was right... but he tried to convince me she was a friend, I never believed it. One day, the day before mother's day, before he got his vehicle he was needing a ride with the car to put stuff in his storage unit from the car. I was going to get a breather because things were getting emotional and he stole my car. Cops were called and some women had picked him up. It was the girl he said months ago is a gaming buddy. Later we talked and he said he wanted to work on us and he'd remove her, she knows he has a family and us just a friend and stuff like that. I didn't really believe him. Well he removed her then said he's gonna go for a drive to get fresh air and think, turns out he re added her then went to her work event. Shitty part of mothers day, my first mind you, finding out I'm being cheated on, and then goes "she said happy mothers day btw" like why the hell are you talking to her when your "trying to make it up to me for the damage so my first mothers day ain't ruined." He admits "She's a friend" that he had went to a concert with, goes to the bar with and visits her on lunch. There was arguments of how that's not what friends do and beginning to ask him how many times did he fuck her. He kept trying to convince me she's just a friend. Some time when buy with arguing about that and him going "I blocked her I'll follow your boundaries to fix this" then couple hours later re add her. I began talking to men and an old ex because having people to talk to even when it's not about the drama is how I cope and it kept me above water. Mind you at this time he really hasn't asked to see his kid and hasn't really acknowledged him unless I say something. We also were broken up before I started talking to other people. He got pissed that I was talking to other people and started yelling at me about it. Well I was tired of "she's just a friend" arguments cause I knew something was off. One morning I left work early (my shift starts way early) I went home took his phone while he was sleeping and went through it. Yup confirmed that I was right the past couple months and shit. So I woke him up and was like I know now tell me. His pitty excuse that I don't believe anymore but at the time did is: I had an ex back when I was dealing drugs in Florida ask if she can move with me to my home state on one run but I told her I couldn't cause I was still under age and living with my parents and she killed herself when I left because I didn't take her with me and her dad is abusive. Well he said one time when he went to the bar he saw her looking at him and then he went to smoke and then came back in the bar and she was still staring so he went to talk to her because he "didn't feel loved so why the fuck not" Side note he was jealous of our infant son because (starting at less than 1 month old of feeling jelous) that I was giving kiddo all move attention and loving on kiddo and my cats. Because I was suffering PPD PPA and Post partum anger, he wasn't there for me and even yelled saying things like "you shouldn't feel that way, things happen and it's fine there's alternatives" when I would cry about things that were struggling with kiddo like breast feeding and things like that. Fucking jealous of an infant dude. Then said that they only fucked twice and it started when he saw her at the concert and gave her a ride home because she was drunk and her friends left her. That was brought up because I saw her tiktok with her post him with them in the car. I said you could have bought her an Uber and I don't believe her friends left her. The truth later be told 1 month after I found out about him full on cheating was he got on tinder, met her, picked her up and took her to the concert, fucked her then came home. He was constantly gone while I was taking care of our kid so he can fuck around many times. Well I forgot most stuff because of my ptsd response and blockage but recently he had kept seeing her and I said I was done. One day he's begging to work on things and the next day he blocks my number saying he never wants to hear from me again. This past week has been fucked. To put it short. He refused to see his son when I was available in between work and doctors appointments because he didn't want to move his date and he already has went over a week without seeing the little guy. He did this twice. He kept trying to say I think we will work out and come back to each other in the future. Saying things like I wanna see where things go with Jessica, if they work out great if not great and then we can try on us. Saying he will wait for me and that he will compete with the other men that I talk to or date. And stupid shit like that. I told him I was first I should have never been second. Told him if he continues to pursue her I will never be willing to wrap back around to this even years from now when he's done with his stupid manic episode. He's showing heavy heavy traits of bipolar. Well anyways When he was in kiddos life and I went back to work I would tap in on the Alex to check in since he would never answer me and I would hear kiddo awake for hours or crying for so long wanting food that I would constantly have to leave work. I have gotten a video of him saying he won't wake up to feed our kid from a recent event. Kiddo has torticolis in his neck causing flat head and he needs off of it as much as possible but he hardly ever was up so kiddo would be on his head from bed time at 8 to 9 pm all the way till he woke up at 12 pm on later days but no earlier than 10 am when kiddos wake up time that he actually wakes up at is 7 am. He's constantly drinking and admitted to drinking and driving on the way home from work. The first thing in his fridge at his apartment was beer and constantly going to the bars. Even when I was around with kiddo he would almost never acknowledge him. He's always threatened since kid was 1.5 months old (way before I knew about anything) he would just sign his rights away. Well just this past Friday he said he wanted to so I said I can print off the papers to fill out and sign so I did and Saturday after he slept on it, had a calm conversation about it, the papers were notarized and emailed to the courts. He blocked my number even though he technically can't and doesn't give a shit. I feel like I failed my kid. I promised I would never find someone that was going to be a father to my kid the same way my dad was to me and I failed. No one saw this everyone was like it was a flip of a switch cause he was over the moon for me and was so excited to be a dad and now he's saying things like she's worth loosing my family and never seeing the family again. I hurt for my son the most. :(( Edit: Another side note besides the neglect toward the child he has also laid his hands on me 3 times out of anger. Even when I was waking him to help me with kiddo, he choked me. I fear he will get angry at kiddo to hurt him cause I've watched him get so mad and yell at him and make the face he would make before he would hurt me.
Hello everyone, I wanted to ask some help for my best friend (actually soulmate! ). I want to give her nutrious and long lasting food (like powders, or syrups)that is easy to make as well. Something she can put on her food, or something like a snack that could give her an energy boost. Background check is that, her mother is a beauty freak, she constantly made her skip dinner and midway stopped caring about her. So for a whole summer(I didn't know her at that time) , she ate potato chips mostly, and slept throughout the whole day. Until she met me and I fixed everything, it's been a few years, now she eats nicely but I want to make her healthier. She improved a lot, but she gets tired after running for 3 minutes, has frequent headaches (these days they are reducing!) I'm only a high school student so I sadly can't do much. But I'm willing to spend my pocket money for her. Any food hacks for a kid to make? I'll be willing to try anything! Thank you.
Hello everyone, I wanted to ask some help for my best friend (actually soulmate! ). I want to give her nutrious and long lasting food (like powders, or syrups)that is easy to make as well. Something she can put on her food, or something like a snack that could give her an energy boost. Background check is that, her mother is a beauty freak, she constantly made her skip dinner and midway stopped caring about her. So for a whole summer(I didn't know her at that time) , she ate potato chips mostly, and slept throughout the whole day. Until she met me and I fixed everything, it's been a few years, now she eats nicely but I want to make her healthier. She improved a lot, but she gets tired after running for 3 minutes, has frequent headaches (these days they are reducing!) I'm only a high school student so I sadly can't do much. But I'm willing to spend my pocket money for her. Any food hacks for a kid to make? I'll be willing to try anything! Thank you.
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2024.06.09 13:06 lemonsaltwaterColin + Pen = Swans: A Deep Dive
A joint research effort ofu/sc127andu/lemonsaltwater Throughout Seasons 2 and 3, swans are a recurring theme in Colin and Pen’s story, both in terms of explicit imagery/sound and allusions to swan behavior and stories. There are so many allusions that it is clear the showrunners, and Julia Quinn,* want us to make these associations, as every detail is intentional. (\while neither of us have read the books, but based on character names, as well as references to the books on this sub, we can assume this. If you've read the books, please comment with more swan references! We do not present this as something hidden/new but rather for the fun of finding all of the references.)* The biggest allusion to swans is how swans mate for life and form into bonding pairs quite young, well before mating age. Trumpeter swans bond as young as 20 months — but then wait several years and don’t mate until at least the age of 4-7. Colin and Pen meet at a young age and form a friendship but it then takes several years for it to become romantic. Let’s plunge our beaks underwater and dive into how these associations play out for Colin and Pen individually and then as a couple.
Colin’s character as a swan
Colin has always been a swan, even if he didn’t lean into it. It shows up in a variety of character traits throughout the seasons. Male swans are fiercely protective of their partners. We see Colin’s protectiveness over Pen show up multiple times. I did a longer post on the evolution of Colin's protectiveness a few weeks ago, but here are some scene highlights:
Ep 1x01: After Penelope beams at how happy she is to be wearing a pink dress, Cressida then spills her drink on her. Colin feels defensive of her, and rejects Cressida's bid to dance (big social no-no!) and dances with Penelope instead
Season 3 has multiple examples of Colin protecting Pen: after his dating help is revealed, balloon, protecting her from a mistake. It is notable that the few times we see Colin angry, they are all related to Pen’s feelings.
https://i.redd.it/u18mhwo8ri5d1.gif We'll likely see more of this in Part 2 (and various book spoilers indicate this as well). Male swans are also one of the few species of waterfowl that take an active role in rearing children. Male swans will sit on the eggs and protect them, unlike other waterfowl. In Seasons 1 and 2, Colin is often seen playing with his younger siblings. We see the male swan’s interest in child rearing most obviously in 2x02 when Eloise recoils from Daphne’s baby and Colin swoops in to tenderly and lovingly hold him. https://i.redd.it/vce8xkfeli5d1.gif Swans are known for mating for life and for being dedicated partners, unlike other species of waterfowl. Colin “My Wife” Bridgerton, hello. But even before Season 3, we see this in Season 2 when Colin is the only one in the front row who appears happy at Anthony and Edwina’s wedding, and according to Luke, Colin is actually crying because he loves love so much. He delights in love. https://i.redd.it/xgsjjbu1mi5d1.gif Afterwards, Colin finds himself somewhat depressed and “searching for answers at the bottom of his flask” after their “bungled nuptials.” For someone who sees love as "the one thing in life that holds genuine meaning," to see an engagement broken off at that point is deeply distressing. (We'll return to Anthony's wedding later.) His recurring appearance changes after his extended travels: Swans shed all of their feathers during their annual summer migration period. After his travels between S1 and S2, he returns with facial hair. After his travels between S2 and S3, he returns with new clothing.
Penelope: Duck => Swan
Penelope, meanwhile, needs to go through a transformation in order to become a swan. (There are a lot of motifs used for Penelope throughout the show: butterflies, cake, etc, but here we’re going to focus on ducks and swans.) Let’s start with her name. To get all Colin-season-2 for a moment, “Penelope” is believed to derive from the Ancient Greek word penelops, which means “duck.” In modern language, “pen” is the official name for a female swan. And her last name is Featherington. Something that starts as a duck and becomes a swan… that sounds a lot like the HC Andersen short story The Ugly Duckling, which is about a duck who is cast aside by society for being ugly, only to later learn that the reason it looked different was because it was actually a swan. While Colin and Pen are more likely to quote Byron than Danish fairy tales, the allusions to The Ugly Duckling are quite strong throughout Penelope’s character arc. (And indeed, fantasy plays a huge role in their worldviews.) This is directly referenced in the book:
“I thought you believed in me," she said, "that you saw beyond the ugly duckling.”
For a brief refresher on The Ugly Duckling, let’s take Wikipedia’s summary and annotate it:
After a mother duck's eggs hatch, one of the ducklings takes longer to hatch and is bigger and perceived by the other animals as an ugly little creature. It suffers much verbal and physical abuse from its mother and siblings, and has an absent father.
Penelope is the youngest of three children. From the first episode, it is clear that her mother regards her as less desirable and less beautiful than her sisters. Her father is neglectful and largely absent. She is repeatedly subject to unkind comments and treatment by her mother and sisters. To take just one example, when suitors come over to meet Marina, and her mother closes courting hour, she says “Please feel free to bid farewell to Phillipa or Prudence, or even Penelope.” (Colin is the only one to take her up on this.) Portia also insists that Penelope wear bright yellow dresses even though she herself prefers pink. Yellow is the color of baby ducks. Portia tends towards green, often in iridescent fabrics, which roughly maps to the coloring of several types of adult ducks (even females). (In the Ugly Duckling, the ugly duckling is gray rather than yellow like it’s siblings. However, they’ve taken a bit of artistic license here to reinforce the duck imagery.)
It wanders from the barnyard and lives with wild ducks and geese until hunters slaughter the flocks. It finds a home with an old woman, but her cat and hen tease and taunt him mercilessly, and once again he sets off alone.
We don’t have a direct literal correlation to the cats and hens, but we can interpret “leaving the barnyard” as Penelope being too early presented in society, and the “cats and hens” being the multitude of catty comments and “clucking hens” (judgmental, gossipy mothers) of society. It’s also interesting how Cousin Jack is presented quite clearly as a hunter in Season 2, and the gun rack on the wall clearly makes Portia uncomfortable. There aren’t direct references to duck hunting, yet that was a common hobby. (We admittedly don’t know anything about rifles and can’t figure out if any of them he displays on the wall are specifically for duck hunting, but would love it if someone knew!) Cousin Jack, of course, nearly destroys their family.
The duckling sees a flock of migrating wild swans. It is delighted and excited but cannot join them because he is too young, ugly, and unable to fly. When winter arrives, a farmer finds and carries the freezing duckling home but he is frightened by the farmer's noisy children and flees the house. The duckling spends a miserable winter alone outdoors, mostly hiding in a cave on the lake that partly freezes over.
We can read this as being when Pen watches Colin leave for Greece, and when she looks at the happy Bridgerton household. She is also too young and immature to fervently declare her feelings as she states one should. Nicola plays her as immature (the little hop when she speaks, high voice), and she is trapped in her mother’s house. The allusion of the migrating swans is also interesting as one could see all of the Bridgertons as swans who glide gracefully on the surface of society (“pretty Bridgertons”). While not all of the Bridgertons exhibit swan-like behavior, Violet and Edmund do (but more on that below). Note how in 3x02 Penelope says the place she feels the most comfortable is/was the Bridgerton Drawing Room at Sunday tea -- surrounded by the flock of swans. We could be a bit literal with our interpretation here and say that Colin’s protection of Pen with the Ruby scam is equivalent to the farmer’s care, and then is scared off not by children but his own friends. But I think we can look at it more broadly to say that Penelope goes from thinking she will be cared for — as Colin says during their dance in 2x08 — but then feels cast aside. She then spends a miserable summer alone, without Eloise or Colin. We know she was miserable by how she is dressed and carries herself in the beginning of 301: hunched over and back in an old gown with her protective helmet of curls.
The duckling, now having fully grown and matured, cannot endure a life of solitude and hardship anymore. It decides to throw himself at a flock of swans, feeling that it is better to be killed by such beautiful birds than to live a life of ugliness.
When we first meet her in 3x01, it is clear she has had an awful, lonely summer. She is shown in her old clothing -- notably more pink but still yellow, a sign of the impending transition -- and looking shy and hunched over. https://i.redd.it/b1fn60pwqi5d1.gif But she resolves to fully break free of her family and marry. Her first dress is iridescent emerald green — the color of peacocks, which is likely the most direct motif given she hides behind a peacock in the garden, but it is also the color of adult mallards and several other duck species. She throws herself into the fray at great personal risk rather than having to continue to live with her family of ducks that reject her. However, she is still awkward and unsure of herself. While she walks down the stairs with confidence, once she's on the floor, she's isn't fully carrying herself with confidence, and sort of slides her feet along the floor in a slouchy manner. She then proceeds to bungle her conversation with the lords who approach her. In other words, she still sees herself as an ugly duckling -- or perhaps ugly duck since she's grown. But Colin is able to see beyond that and has the first glimmers of starting to notice her as something different than everyone else. https://i.redd.it/i2dcbfb1qi5d1.gif Part 2 speculation:
The Ugly Duckling is shocked when the swans welcome and accept it, only to realize by looking at his reflection in the water that it had been not a duckling but a swan all this time. The flock takes to the air, and it spreads its wings to take flight with the rest of its new family.
Penelope is shocked when Colin has feelings for her, and according to the trailer, is welcomed with open arms by Violet and the rest of the swan’s family (except Eloise, who does not exhibit swan-like behaviors herself, but that's a different topic). Given the focus on mirrors so far this season, perhaps this combined mirrougly duckling/swan theme will reappear. Penelope will then integrate herself into the Bridgerton family and identify more with them, rather than her family of birth. She thus gets both self-acceptance, a husband, a loving family, and freedom all at the same time. Given the use of mirrors this season, I expect Colin will literally and figuratively help Penelope see herself in the mirror the way he sees her, in a parallel to what Colin says in S2 E2 about her letters:
Your letters were so encouraging. I thought, if Penelope can see me this way, then surely I can too.
A brief note on Penelope's clothing We can see hints of this in her clothing. Over Season 3 Part 1, Penelope’s clothing changes from Featherington green to Bridgerton blue. Yet in the kiss scene and Colin’s dream, she’s wearing dresses that are such light blue/green that they almost appear to be white, and she doesn't seem to wear these dresses in other scenes. (The dream one is similar to the market scene, but the sleeve detailing is different -- it's much more feathery. Hmmm.) While white dresses can imply wedding, perhaps another thread to pull here is their swan-like whiteness. The moment when they kiss is the first time it occurs to him to see her romantically, and it is also the first time he sees her in a white dress. That she is in white in his dream reinforces the idea that he sees her a swan. (Yet they aren't fully white — so there is still evolution to happen.) https://i.redd.it/498qr6joqi5d1.gif https://i.redd.it/a02jcjq5ti5d1.gif Colin calling her Pen — "swan" — from the very beginning And lastly, back to her nickname. The first time we ever see Colin talk to Penelope is in S1 E1 after Colin visits the Featherington house during courting hour for Marina, he refers to her as Pen. He refers to her again as Pen when they dance later in that episode. The viewer sees her transition from Penelope, a duck, and then becomes Pen, a swan. But Colin has always seen her as a swan, even if he didn’t realize it. (We have not done a full analysis of the times he calls her Penelope vs the times he calls her Pen, nor of other people using her nickname.)
Audio and visual swan references
So, Colin is always a swan, and Pen transitions from duck to swan. Several times throughout the seasons, we see direct and indirect nods to swans in terms of imagery, dialogue, and other scene elements when Colin and Pen are together. It’s notable that, as far as we can tell, swans and swan noises largely only show up when Colin and Pen are together. (There is one exception, discussed in the next section.) The most obvious is in 2x05:
COLIN: After all, everyone else is finding some purpose to their lives. Anthony is to be married. Benedict has his artistic pursuits. And, well, here I am... feeding the ducks. [Looks at a swan as he says this] PENELOPE: I am sure the ducks are most grateful.
https://i.redd.it/53fkdvblui5d1.gif https://i.redd.it/0lqr6dxnui5d1.gif The implication being, of course, is that Colin does not realize he's not looking at a duck but at a swan. His feelings for her aren't romantic yet. But he is really looking at a swan — Pen. And that she, not the ducks, is grateful for his company and conversation. Interestingly, quacking is heard in the background. It’s hard to say whether it’s ducks or swans — perhaps it’s intentionally ambiguous. Singing swans = courting activities? Or a shift in feelings for Colin? But let’s pull that thread a bit, as swans singing comes up several more times. Swan songs have historically had an association with death, yet “their sounds are more distinguishable during courting rituals and not correlated with death.” We could then interpret hearing swan songs as times that are courting-esque, or perhaps moments when Colin’s perspective on Penelope is starting to shift. In 2x06, Penelope has a heated conversation with Eloise about Eloise’s feelings about Theo. Eloise asks her if she’s ever felt the torment of feelings for someone, and Penelope says she could only imagine it. She then looks over at Colin and swans are heard in the background. A few moments later, when Penelope walks over to Colin for the “purpose” conversation, swans are again heard in the background. (Listen very closely as she walks over to him.) In 3x01, when Colin and Penelope talk in the garden after the presentation, swans are heard in the background as Colin looks at her while she looks away. In this scene, Colin is wearing his beautiful embroidered vest, which features a duck near the collar. It also features a parrot. (Shout out to u/EverEarthlingfor this amazing deep dive on the vest!) Perhaps when Colin bought this vest in Paris, he still viewed Penelope as a duck, and himself as a parrot (i.e. one who parrots the behaviors of what society expects). Given this, we might not see this vest again, as gorgeous as it is. https://preview.redd.it/9r4qb648wi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=facbf720d29560adad66b31923c1646ab7fc66c8 While we might think these were coincidences because they happened to be near water, it seems unlikely, as there are a lot of garden/park/outdoor scenes where no swans are seen or heard. In 303, at the end of the Willow scene, swans are heard in the background as Penelope leaves. Swans then re-appear the Hawkins Balloon Fair. There is a giant wicker statue of a swan, decked in lilacs and light pink roses, off to the side of the balloon. (Lilacs being the favorite flower of the Bridgertons and light pink being the Bridgerton color of first love.) While we don’t get an obvious camera angle of this, based on body positions, Penelope would have been looking at this swan statue the entire time while talking to Debling. https://preview.redd.it/x25logl1wi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3e95b51b6a6cf37cfb0010ea699158f5bfd12b86 Here's Nicola goofing around with said swan statue. https://preview.redd.it/j1n4t28svi5d1.jpg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=75bfa6f3a86aa6890d9ee9f8afc296b1762b77e2 In 3x04, the Queen has dancing swans in her wig. And, this is the first time in the season when Colin and Penelope dance together. https://preview.redd.it/kmvtrgniki5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6caac598ac9992cd65b278059a1da22caa214e23 We also have a small wink in terms of grass. Swans who have not yet begun mating, even if they are paired, will gather in flocks in fields of grass. Paired swans who are too young to mate will move throughout the flock socially yet still be paired — much like the environment of a ball. In 2x03, Colin mentions how he once spent meditating for hours on a single blade of grass, and in 3x03, when trying to impress Debling and looking directly at a swan, Penelope says how she likes grass. (Perhaps we can also interpret this to mean that Eloise is not a swan: she says she’d rather watch grass grow than talk to other debutantes. But, again, that’s for another post on Eloise being different than her siblings.) Interestingly, at these swan social gatherings, “some individuals will have several courtships with other members of the flock, whilst others, tend to stay away from densely populated parts of the herd and do their own thing.” Sounds like Colin and Pen! From the book, there's a mention of a "swan song:" (credit to u/leadwithlovealways) https://preview.redd.it/4rui2ve22j5d1.png?width=3405&format=png&auto=webp&s=e0b63ac184f171f44735d9e58d2e43aff311383f
Colin + Pen = Swans
Let’s talk for a moment about the behaviors of bonded swan pairs and their mating behaviors, as there are a lot of parallels. One important part of the beginning of the swan courting ritual is that both will drop their wings completely to their sides, and not puff themselves up at all. We can see this literally in terms of Colin and Pen in the carriage (both have their arms down at their sides), but also metaphorically: they are both at their most vulnerable, their least puffed-up, in the entire season. https://preview.redd.it/2jmk55zcxi5d1.jpg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2c3d3ce9c8046d8dacadf0254090ba5b2d6db57b When swans are bonded, they will press their chests together and bend their necks together and rest their foreheads against one another, forming a heart shape. In their first kiss, we see Colin rest his forehead against Penelope’s ever so slightly — somewhat tentatively, almost, and his chest is not pressed to hers. (It is in his dream, though.). We see the forehead-resting and chests pressed together more times in the carriage scene. https://i.redd.it/dqaj33bbyi5d1.gif https://i.redd.it/unk6l20fyi5d1.gif Mating dances First, watch this video of swans doing a mating dance.(Or read, if you prefer.) Note how look away from each other and then back with intense eye contact.
They will stare at each other during the up and down motions of the necks and will sometimes raise both heads together at the same time to look at each other with sideways glances as they turn their heads from side to side.
Now, let's pivot back to Bridgerton -- and to another couple. In 2x05, Anthony and Kate’s pivotal dance when they can no longer ignore their feelings for one another resembles the courting dance of swans, with their arms interconnected and circling around another. While one could say that’s true of most dancing, this one is particularly striking, and perhaps it's when Anthony drops his rakishness or ability to think about others and starts to accept his committed, swan nature (though it takes him some time). You can also see echoes of the swan mating dance in how they pass one another side-by-side in Simon & Daphne's dance when they're truly in love, though the Kate/Anthony dance is much clearer. The closest we’ve seen to Colin and Pen dance like this is 2x08, yet that dance is much more tentative than Kate and Anthony’s, and only bears a very faint resemblance to the swan mating dance. They make eye contact, but it is not intense or focused. Colin also refers to her as "Penelope", not "Pen," during that dance, and they barely touch. Distance is implied in multiple ways. But back to the topic of this post, one has to wonder whether we’ll see Colin and Pen dance in a way similar to a swan mating dance in Part 2. Swan mating rituals Now we're going to dive a bit deep in terms of parallels between swans and intimacy. Yes, this is completely fucking unhinged on an already unhinged post. I’m sorry if you will never be able to look at swans the same again.
Swans will keep intense eye contact during courting and mating. Yup, check.
While mating for most birds lasts only a few seconds, for swans it can be at least 20 minutes if not up to an hour. Seems fitting given the mentions of a 10-minute long intimacy scene in Episode 5!
Right before swans engage in the act, the male swan will drape his neck over the female swan’s. We seem to be getting hints of this in the trailer, with Colin standing behind her in the mirror.
We're going to skip over specifics of swan sex positions. That would simply be too unhinged.
Right after mating, swans stay close together and echo the head turning/tilting of the courting ritual. We get a glimpse of this after the carriage scene is interrupted, and one can hope this means we get lots of after-sex cuddling. If not, it’s totally in headcanon now.
After mating, swans will clean one another. We can see this in how Colin lovingly puts Pen’s dress and hair back in place before straightening his own clothes in the carriage scene.
Swans also tend to mate many more times than is necessary in order to fertilize eggs. Based on this, and based on what we’ve heard about Part 2, we’re probably going to see this parallel, too.
Male swans eagerly build a nest once they’ve decided to mate. This matches what we’ve heard about Colin quickly buying a house for him and Pen.
Swan couples that are new to a territory/nest usually don’t lay any eggs for the first year, so maybe they’ll wait a bit before having children. But that seems unlikely with these two given that birth control didn’t exist…
Looking forward
Given that swans mate for life, we can be guaranteed a happy ending here. As the show goes on, one can predict that swans will represent the two of them in various ways, and that we might expect to see swan motifs in the decoration of their new home. (In the Part 2 trailer, in the wedding scene, the walls are decorated with a swan motif.) https://preview.redd.it/yhtphnem1j5d1.png?width=2436&format=png&auto=webp&s=3dab8825cccd5db6cd6c8f35c1f9f8605a4e68b1 In terms of children, swans keep their children close to them during their early life. We therefore might be able to predict that both Colin and Pen will likely be very attached to their children, and we will be unlikely to see them without their children once their children are in the picture. Even though Colin loves to travel, we could also predict he’ll quickly want to settle down and delight in being at home with their children, just like a swan. Since male swans actively participate in child rearing, we also hope we’ll get to see lots of heart-warmingly adorable scenes of Colin bouncing their babies on his knees and taking care of them in future seasons. Maybe we’ll be lucky and even get a Regency-ified version of baby wearing with Colin wearing their baby wrapped around him with a shawl!
Black Swan theory regarding Nicola's outfit: Do you think it's alluding to Colin and Pen getting married? In the eyes of the Ton, they would consider the Polin relationship as a Black Swan. It fits the criteria of being a surprise, having a major effect, and can be rationalized in hindsight. Pink Ducks on Luke: I think the symbolism is more straight forward compared to Nicola's outfit. Pink is Pen's favorite color and it is the Bridgerton color of first love. Colin is in love with a duck named Pen :)
2024.06.09 12:52 New-Dimension-726What should I do?
As the title suggest, should I do Jee? I will give a quick background check, for you to understand why I am asking this question. BEWARE,ITS A RANT In, 2021, My father died because of covid, when I was like 12 years old(I was so called bright child), unkowingly at that time I did not know that I will suffer from pangs of depression, anxeity, and my dear little precious helplessness. My finacial situation was quite good, you may say. I did not had any problems regarding money until my father passed, even after my passing of my father, he had bought a new house, had some insurances and we got some help from government and NGO. Now, my father had 3 siblings, and my father was most educated among them, the other 3 siblings were 10 failed/Passed at most, my father came from a village, so did they but they did not got any jobs because of their education, so my father helped them get on their feets, buying one a taxi, making other a farmer at the village, and smallest one came with my father, and my father got him a tailor machine for now, and after some years got him some accounting works that, my father used to do, which salary is around 50k (MONTHLY) or more now. My father and mother used to quarrel, all the time, they used to beat each other, while I watch the scene with my older sister, I was a scaredy cat, you may say but my sister used to step in to stop father from beating mother, we can say that my father had anger issues. But funnily enough, my fathers side or my uncles never stopped them from fighting even when my father was very unreasonable, even my fathers mother, It was like they were trying to break them apart. But on the bright side, even we were on the verge of divorce, my father never abandoned us, my father used to love us dearly, even though he may have disliked mother sometimes. I never thought bad about my uncles or grandfathegrandmother even then, because when i visited them they always greeted me with a smile and always were kind to me, maybe it is because of those cartoons, that are heavily relied on kindness and love based theme, that I always forgot, how cruel people are. After, my father died, the next day after the funeral, my fathers side called a meeting, and announed that they wanted the house, the 2nd house which my father had bought way earlier than our new house. My mother obviously did not want that, because of sister and my future. when my father was dying at the hospital, these so called brothers, did not know that, that their father had died due to heart attack at night, until morning.(Sometimes, I think they may have killed my father). After, when my mother said, ''NO'' for giving the house for free, my smallest uncle who was residing in that house because of father (even then, my father took rent from his brother), took my grandmother to lawyers, and had her fill up the a Notice to the government and to us, about partaking in my fathers property, his insurances, and even his new home, my mother was devasted. About, my mother getting my fathers job, as always corruption wins ( My mother is studying to get my fathers job at a university but its very unlikely to get the job because of corruption) I cleared my 10th just now with 90 percent, with no real tuition, no one to teach me. Any insurances and any compenstion have not been claimed by us because my grandmothers interruption, they all have a good source of income, every other 3 siblings, expect my mother, who goes to job, and studies at same time for like 10k month. Even when I did have to not suffer, or my mother or my sister, it seems its getting worse only, I can only see or do much. I have loosened very big chunk of weight, Have gained anxiety, fear of failure, procastination. I always wanted to become a scientist from a young age(Even though I am young now), I always wanted to do research, I always wanted to be studying, I always wanted to be intelligent, I wanted to achieve greatness but now all seems distant dreams now. Everyone, when I say I want to be a scientist, they say its amazing, Like I am small child, my uncles and some kids taunts me about being scientist, And sometimes I feel they are saying the truth. My sister may not be clever or smart or intelligent as me but I have always thought she was a hardworker as she got 92% in ssc board, but she too have failed miserably in NEET. I always wanted my sister to do something worth mentioning in life, I wanted her to be a docter, but.. My sister panicked because of our situation, and chose a very bad class or a cheap one. I do not want to do that, I believe that I can do jee because of my love for science, but I think I am the only one thinks like that, I am the only one who believe in me( Maybe I am saying a lie, right now). But the good coaching are like 3 lakhs and more, and about the coachings classes scholarship, I am totally underconfident and I believe that I will totally underperform and Because of that fear of failure is eating me alive and I procastinate more as I do not want waste my mothers money, what I mean is I am thinking I should go college, get a mediocre education, get a mediocre job and live a totally mediocre life, maybe, because, it does not matter how much intelligent you are, if you are destined to mediocrity. OR SHOULD I TAKE THE GAMBLE? SHOULD I BELIEVE IN INTELLIGENCE? SHOULD I PURSUE JEE? SHOULD I IGNORE MY CIRCUMSTANCES FOR THE SAKE OF DREAMS?.......
2024.06.09 12:50 Ok_Message6159A date made me realize I need to work on myself
I matched with a someone on an app and based on previous experiences, was not expecting much. I never have fun using dating apps. They stress me out and are horrible for self esteem, but at the same time, I like the convenience of them and theres a comfort to feeling like you have more control and having rejection be silent. Also at my age (24 m), dating apps are the standard and my dating history is very limited so it's kinda all I know. The small talk started and I took it easy. It continued on smoothly and the vibe was there. Didn't dry up at all. As the days went on the conversation became very candid. She was an open book, which made me feel comfortable opening up more. It was the most fulfilling "talking stage" I had had. Growing connection and fondness can be hard to detect through text on a screen but this was an instance where even my dumb ass could tell it was there and reciprocal. I was really starting to enjoy this new person in a genuine way, she felt the same, and we expressed that to each other. And this was new for me The date we had planned came up and it went as expected. We talked late into the night about the same topics as before, mundane to jokes to deep. The spark I thought might have been there was a little more confirmed. It was also even more open now that we were in person. We reflected the next day and both seemed to be looking forward to doing it again. A couple of days later though, she was under the weather and suddenly became hard to reach. I gave some space for a few days, but the space turned into an insecure mix of fear of ghosts and actual worry for her, so I took a deep breath and checked on her. (This was the first reaction of mine that in retrospect indicated the potentially unhealthy nature of all of this) I got back a long message where there were a few things expressed:
She realized she needs space to work thru her past trauma more
She thanked me for connecting with her and making her feel good
Shes unsure if we'll ever connect again
For some background, she had told me a lot about a pretty turbulent life, was very personal-development minded, and always said she was grateful that I listened. She described coming a long way It was probably as mature and pleasant as she could have made it and was full of kind words. I respected that she was so upfront about this. It hurt a lot to read but only thing I could really do in response was let her know I respected it, thank her back, and wish her the best with hopes that we meet again one day. No contact since. I guess if this made sense, that would be the end of it and I would just be onto the next but it has not at all been that way, at least on my end. She was on my mind a lot in the short ~month long interaction (which flattered her at the time), but that kept momentum after cutting contact, only growing with intensity. I tried to be generous to myself and acknowledge that I was feeling new feelings and that those feelings can't just be shut off all at once. Time rolled on though and it got harder to keep that going as it became clear I was just trying, rather unstably, to balance the need to accept that this is most likely over and the desire to hold onto hope that it's just on pause. I read that last message multiple times and as much as I appreciated everything else, I wasn't able to eke any closure out of it. Whether it was genuinely hard to interpret or I was just convincing myself that it was open ended, I was driving myself crazy whenever I thought about how to move forward from this. It's been like 6+ months and I'm kind of at the same point. I wouldn't say my life outside of this aspect has been too affected motion wise. If anything the everything else has been pretty satisfactory, but the stuck/uncertain/empty feeling seeps out sometimes. At times I feel embarrassed or immature for still feeling this way about such a small thing, and that's the reason I haven't really talked about it to anyone in my life. I did research and learned that I'm "limerent" for her. That term has really put into perspective how I've responded to this. It's obviously an harmful state to stay in. I also really hate that this whole positive and negative "balance" I've been doing turns someone's self improvement into some kind of key to thing I want, when the first thing (whatever the outcome of the second) should be the focus. As I reflect a bit it makes me realize that I have stuff I need to deal with myself, beyond this. Eventually I want to be done with this, get closure if it falls in my lap and/or move on. I can't move on right now because I have the fear of my hopes somehow becoming true and making me regret doing so. Even if that's delusional, the very fact that it actually stops me itself is enough indication I'm not ready. I want to shut off the daydreaming and move towards getting what I daydream about even if its not exactly the same. This was a very long drawn out catharsis and sorry about that, but if any one has advice, I would appreciate. What are some general methods for moving on? I am definitely considering therapy, because I think this is all just an iceberg tip of other things deep down that I have also thought about lately. Also been making an effort to keep up with my hobbies, especially music which helps a lot with letting things out. Anyone ever been in a similar situation, and how did it go for you? Am I being too hard on my self or too gentle? Thanks for reading Tl;dr I matched with someone on an dating app, we had a great connection, had one date, and later she told me she isn't ready yet to date due to trauma she's still working on. We cut contact but I haven't been able to move on for months and it's made me realize I also need time to work on stuff
2024.06.09 12:40 The_official_Doge21 [M4F] The Netherlands/EU - Looking for romantic dates and maybe more!
Hey! I'll try to keep this part as brief as possible. I'm a 21-year-old guy from the Netherlands, currently studying both physics and data science. After a while of being single, I'm once again looking for someone for whom I can be their favourite person. I'd really like to meet a great girl (like you!) and experience falling in love once again. About me:
I have a lot of hobbies like hiking, bouldering, playing the piano, chess and of course video games. I'm also planning to start going to dance lessons soon. Currently, I'm playing a lot of Stardew Valley in my free time, but I also like games like Rimworld, Fallout, or the Civilization series.
My favourite book genre is sci-fi, I just love imagining the far future. Currently, I'm reading the Children of Time series, it's been really good so far!
I mainly listen to rock bands like Paramore or Simple Plan but I've been branching out a bit more lately. A huge guilty pleasure of mine is Taylor Swift, Speak Now is the best album (fight me).
People that know me are often surprised by my willingness to try new things, I try to be very open-minded to different hobbies and interests and would love to check them out! I have also been described as an intelligent and generally well-rounded guy.
As a part-time job I like to give chess lessons to kids, it's really fun watching your students grow up and improve at the game.
I have an east-asian background, but I have been told by both internationals and fellow Dutchies that I'm VERY Dutch haha. I'm 181 cm and generally quite fit, although I wouldn't mind being a little stronger. Here is a picture of me if you're curious
About you:
Preferably you live in the Netherlands or the EU. Chatting online is fun of course but I think relationships are better in person.
Somewhere between 18 and 25 years old.
Passionate about anything at all. It doesn't matter if I've never heard of it, as long as you're enthusiastic about it. If you'd like to join me on a hike sometime that is a big plus though.
Cute :)
If you made it this far, please go ahead and message me. I'd love to hear from you! If you got to this point please tell me what your dream vacation is, see ya soon!
2024.06.09 12:29 Mysterious_Apple_639Is being legally married beneficial?
Hey I'm not sure if this is the sub to post this. Basically, me and my bf (21&22) are wanting to buy a house. We're a little ways away and have some saving up to do. But here's the deal. My credit is 740? Last time I checked. His is closer to 520. I am currently unemployed (SAHM) and he is self employed. He sells trading cards and makes enough for us to live comfortably while I take care of our toddler and apartment (yes he pays taxes, we get asked that a lot) So basically the title. We don't care if we have the piece of paper or not. We don't want a ceremony/party. It's around $80 to get married where we live so it's not like we'd go into debt. But I'm curious, in the context of buying a house are there any pros or cons? Does it even matter to a lender? Advice and wisdom are appreciated!
2024.06.09 12:00 AutoModeratorWeekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - June 09, 2024 (Now with updates!)
Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made. NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.
Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.
2. No Drama
This is a support sub.
Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
Crossposting anything from /stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.
3. Report, Don’t Rant
No backseat modding.
If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
4. No Naming & Shaming
No userpings or links.
Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.
5. No Platitudes
Nobody knew what they were getting into.
Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.
6. No Trolling
We have zero tolerance for trolls.
This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.
7. No Personally Identifiable Information
Use discretion when posting.
We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.
8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours
Use the daily threads.
We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.
Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.
10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval
Just don't.
This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
No advertising without prior mod approval.
No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.
11. Disputes in Modmail Only
Don't argue with the mods on the sub.
Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.
12. Moderator Actions
We aren't kidding.
Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.
13. Ban Procedure
These actions are at moderator discretion.
Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.
Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.
What about being kind to the kids?
"Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.
Why is this sub such an echo chamber?
Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.
Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?
Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.
But OP asked if they were an asshole?!
Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.
What is a gendered slur?
While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
Examples that are not allowed:
"My SD is such a little bitch."
"She dresses/acts like a slut."
"My SS acts like a pussy."
"My SS is such a beta male."
"You are all fucking whores."
"Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
"Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
"You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.
Seriously? You are the language police now?
We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.
Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.
What is thread derailment?
When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.
But what if they didn't answer my question?
No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.
Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!
Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.
Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?
No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."
Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?
We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.
What if it's my own post?
Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.
Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.
If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.
Step 2:Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
Step 3:Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.
Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.
I can't link to other subs?
Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/insertsubnamehereis ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
I can't ping other users?
Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "insertusernameherewas being an asshole.")
If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree withinsertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")
Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.
Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?
Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.
Why can't you just love them like they are your own?
Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.
No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.
What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?
That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.
What is "Concern Trolling?"
A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."
What is a "Devil's Advocate"?
"I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.
"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?
The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.
And "sealioning?" What's that?
Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.
Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?
The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.
Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)
Posting Guidelines for Bioparents
Stepparents is a support communityforstepparents,bystepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
Seeking resources for your partner
There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
"Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /coparenting, /parenting, /parents, /blendedfamilies, and /singleparents as starting points.
Guidelines for Stepkids
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2024.06.09 11:53 jdm0212Seeking advice: Does this constitute breach of contract?
Hello, all. Let me first provide as much background information as possible.
I have been with current company for almost 7 years
In January 2022, I accepted a promotion and was relocated to London to work out of headquarters
In November 2023, I expressed to my manager the desire for title and salary growth, on the basis of output and high-level deliverables
I was instructed to create a new job title and job description that outlines this promotion; senior manager was proposed and aligned with manager and presented to HR in January 2024
After nearly six months of deliberation, my manager has come back saying the company is excited for me to take on this new role; however, the title will remain as manager and there will be no salary increase. This conversation occurred on Monday, 3 June
I verbally declined the role, as it does not satisfy the desired growth aligned on
On Friday, 7 June, HR contacted me saying the role does not require my acceptance or rejection; according to them, this is not a significant change and does not require consultation
Furthermore, HR claimed that my rejection of this new role will be me choosing to resign from the company
I maintained that this is an unreasonable change, by virtue of it having a new job title and job description
In my current contract, there is no variation clause of this calibre; there is one sentence that refers to “reasonable changes” that may occur “from time to time.”
I believe this situation reflects a breach of contract from my employer, who is compelling me to accept a role that I created under the false pretense of growth; in the absence of title or salary change, and due to the unreasonable changes of a new job title and entirely new job description, my agreement is required for this role to move forward
Based on what is outlined above, I believe my company is in breach of contract; but I seek your expertise if I’m missing or overlooking any points? Thank you!
2024.06.09 11:14 Normajpg[MI] I reported my bosses husband (also my coworker) to HR and she messaged me.
So, I started a new job after moving 3 hours from my hometown. I loved it and my boss, she was sweet, kind, loving and a joy to work with. Her husband works with us too and he seemed nice at first. I ended up working with him alone one day and after I was done cleaning up the lobby he leaned into me and said "You shouldn't bend over when you clean, you're built like a shit brick house and it's distracting" I didn't even know ow to respond or even what he meant other than he was commenting on my body. This made me uncomfortable but I tried to brush it off...until the next time I had to work with him. He was constantly saying SOMETHING about me, my body, my demeanor etc. It was always after I had just got done dealing with a male customer, he would say "You need to be caredul or youre gonna get raped". He said "You shouldn't smile and be so nice to these men, they're gonna snatch you up." One time I had left to do something in another part of work and when I came back he said my phone had rang and he looked to see if it said "Boo thang". Which I found weird and inappropriate. He would stand behind me and I could feel him staring at my ass, he would purposely walk or stand behind me which made me uncomfortable. One day, he wanted me to show him how the remote/TVs worked in one of the rooms (its a hotel) and wanted me to show him in an empty room. I was super uncomfortable with this, and it was a day I had to bring my daughter to work. So I had her come with us and kept the door proped open. My last straw was that same day, I had gone to the pool to check on my daughter and do a walk through on the floors. When I came back,my car key was bent at a 90 degree angle. The ONLY people who had access to my car keys was him and I. I didn't bend it, it didn't get hit or stuck anywhere. He asked how I was gonna get home and I said I had a friend coming up with my spare key. I don't have proof but it felt like he did this to try to find out where I live. I quit my job and after I returned my work shirtsi went to HR. I told HR everything above. Well, today I had a message from his wife (my old boss) on FB, but she had unsent it. And then blocked me. So I contacted HR and asked if they had told her it was me who had come to them and what I had said. HR swears they didn't tell her, but they did go to him, she said as they're supposed to but didn't mention my name. I'm now worried because he has come into my other place of employment. And for his wife to message me, unsend it and block me, I'm worried about retaliation. Which is why it took me so Ling to report because she was my boss. Now I feel like I can't trust HR and I don't know what to do. Do I make a police report ? I'm scares he will harass me or she will, and I just want to feel safe. I just don't know what to do.
Fee-Only: Advisors charge a flat fee or hourly rate, ensuring they work in your best interest without any conflict of interest.
Commission-Based: Advisors earn commissions on the products they sell, which might lead to biased recommendations.
Fee-Based: A combination of a fee and commissions.
Understanding the fee structure helps you choose an advisor whose compensation aligns with your preferences.
4. Look for Fiduciary Responsibility
A fiduciary is legally obligated to act in your best interest. Not all financial advisors are fiduciaries, so it’s crucial to ask potential advisors if they operate under a fiduciary duty. This ensures that the advice you receive is in your best interest, not influenced by commissions or other incentives.
5. Interview Multiple Advisors
Don’t settle for the first advisor you meet. Interview multiple candidates to get a sense of their approach, expertise, and personality. Consider asking:
What services do you offer?
How do you get compensated?
What are your qualifications?
Can you provide references from current clients?
How will we communicate and how often?
Comparing answers will help you find someone who meets your needs and with whom you feel comfortable.
6. Check Their Background
Once you've narrowed down your choices, check their background for any disciplinary actions or complaints. Resources like the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) BrokerCheck and the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) Investment Adviser Public Disclosure can provide valuable information. Additionally, consider checking reviews and testimonials from other clients.
Final Thoughts
Choosing the right financial advisor is a crucial decision that can significantly impact your financial future. By assessing your needs, verifying credentials, understanding fee structures, ensuring fiduciary responsibility, interviewing multiple advisors, and checking their background, you can find a trustworthy and competent advisor to help you achieve your financial goals. Taking the time to find the right advisor can lead to a more secure and prosperous financial future, giving you peace of mind knowing your finances are in good hands.
2024.06.09 11:10 H_HishamBest sources to learn Applied ML/DL
Hi, I have a background in bioinformatics and some basics in ML/DL. What I’m looking for is a tutorial that explains two things: the theoretical part of ML and DL (like which type of learning to use for each situation and why) without diving into mathematical details, followed by an example application of each type of learning using scripts (preferably in Jupyter notebooks). I have checked many tutorials on Udemy, Coursera, EdX, and YouTube but haven’t found what I’m looking for. I generally find either tutorials that are too detailed and take too much time to finish (because I end up looking up new vocabulary or concepts), or very specific tutorials that are still unclear in a general aspect. I would happily pay for a tutorial that suits me—a tutorial where I can learn everything without excessive details and apply everything as well. For example, what is a GNN? Why do we use it? And an example application!
2024.06.09 11:07 Objective_Good1244I think my husband went to a club and lied about it...
For a little background my husband (25m) and I (20f) have my husband's best friend and business partner (40m) living with us while he goes through a divorce. Before my husband and I met they both partied at clubs just about every weekend, and for the whole of our relationship he has talked about how much fun he had and how wild it was. BUT he also talks about how he would never do it again because he doesn't want to risk our relationship, or our son's (2 month old) future. We both did come to the conclusion that there is too much inherent risk of cheating at places like this. Here is what's concerning me; him and his bf (best friend) went to this hotel's restaurant (that is near the area where the clubs are at), do get some work done relating to their business. They have done this often to focus better, and I've even have gone a few times before the baby was born, so I've trusted him. Well last night (Friday) they did the same thing after we ran our errands, which would have put him there 10:30-11:00pm. That's not out of the ordinary since he's a night owl, and they often do this after their day jobs and stuff. However my husband didn't let me know he got there, only checked in twice the whole time he was out, each one of those tests was 2-5 words, came back at 2:40-ish am when he told me they wouldn't be long, was pretty close to the drunkest I've ever seen him, and smelled a little like alcohol. When he did get back his bf immediately left, which he said he was going to meet a girl. Then my husband started telling me about things that happened, and some of it just didn't add up; he told me that he had 5 drinks, but the bar at the hotel closses at 11pm so he wouldn't have had enough time to get all of that. He also told me that they coincidentally bumped into another person who works on their business every once in a while when they were there. Her day job used to be a bottle woman and she goes to the clubs a lot still. That is also where they met the woman his bf went back out with. I've been feeling all uneasy about the situation since then, and today my husband told me a little bit more; apparently his friend and the lady went to my husband's favorite nightclub when they went back out… but that club closes at 2am, and they got back past then. So I asked him about it and he immediately got defensive (clubs have been a little bit of a sore subject before so I'm not ruling it out that that's just why he got defensive), but said that there was a special event after hours. I didn't think clubs did that… especially when there is only about 3 more hours before the sun starts to rise. At this point I'm thinking they just went to a club since it would take them 20-30isg minutes to get home from there, and they got home almost exactly that after it would have closed. I don't just want to think or accuse him of doing something he didn't do though so I look into it a bit more and find the lady’s Instagram that they work with, and found that she and her friends are clubbing… one of them is also from our of town here celebrating their birthday. On top of that they were clubbing that night, and have pictures of them having dinner at a restaurant (plausibly the one my husband was at, I can't tell) and walking through streets that kinda look like the ones between the hotel and the clubs. I won't take the assumptions I'm making from the Instagram pictures as fact though, since I'm not 100% sure. The whole gist of the story is that I think my husband might have gone to the hotel, have actually met the girls there, and went with them to the clubs instead of working.. So at this point I'm feeling crushed. If he lied about this then could he have cheated or lusted for another? I'm about average looking, and all of these women are basically models. My husband has often described the bottle women who work at these places as models too… plus I have large shoulders for a woman, and a postpartum body. I'm praying this is just my insecurities and not the truth, but all of this sits so wrong with me… I've prayed for guidance but idk what to do… should I confront him about it, or is this a situation where God would preach patience? Has anyone been in this position and/or have some advice?