This is the first time I have written something of this length, and is more of an exercise in self-therapy than anything else. Disclaimer: This story contains conversations about child abuse. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy it.
Nathan’s number appeared on my phone screen. I debated whether or not to answer it. We hadn’t been on speaking terms for a while, and while we did keep in touch sporadically, it was usually because of important family issues. I didn’t know of anything happening with mom or dad, nor with Talia or Rio, so I let it go to voicemail. I could always call him back later. I placed the phone back in my pocket, and returned to cleaning my camera. The phone buzzed again. A text message came through. I read the preview line from the home screen. “The city declared eminent domain on the house” I unlocked my phone, read the full text message, and dialed my brother.
I wasn't able to get any closer to the house than a few blocks. Most of the area was blocked off with chain link fencing and construction equipment in preparation for the demolition that was supposed to take place within the coming days. The barriers didn’t prevent people from walking in to the neighborhood, but it hindered scrappers from coming in and stripping the houses of copper wiring and plumbing.
I grabbed my camera bag out of the trunk of my car along with my tripod. I shouldered it and hooked the tripod to my bag. I pulled my water bottle out of the center console and shut the door. I stood next to my car surveying the neighborhood. 12 city blocks of old single family homes comprised the neighborhood where I grew up. Some of the houses had been empty for months, others for years. There was an eerie silence that permeated the still air. I could not hear the familiar sounds of people, pets, or cars. I locked the car and put my keys in my pocket. I patted my jacket down to ensure I had what I needed. After a quick check, I started my walk.
The sidewalk of the old neighborhood streets still bore the familiar cracks and grind marks from years of buckling and remedy. Leaves dropped by the trees still lay scattered all along the pathways and sidewalk. Korina’s house was the first house I encountered as I made my way through a gap in the fence. The yard was overgrown with tall grass and thistle. I could see the faded blue paint of the old house contrasting the green and browns of the lawn. The chain link fence that marked off the corner property was nearly invisible through the thick brush. As I continued walking west towards 110th, I started to feel something was off. The streets seemed wider than I remembered. It took me longer than I’d like to admit, but eventually I realized what was different. There were no cars.
The streets here typically had cars lined bumper to bumper in any spot available, and were visible from block to block. The absence of all these vehicles made me realize just how deserted the neighborhood really was. House after house, yard after yard, the telltale signs of desertion reinforced what I could see from the moment I passed the construction fence: This was no longer my neighborhood. There were no signs of life, and no one I could expect to find still here. Abandonment was the new normal here. I continued on, glancing at houses and recalling memories of summer bike rides, and daily walks with dogs I used to have. I remembered walks home from school, and chasing after ice cream trucks when they passed our houses. I smiled a bit as I remembered more and more of my years spent here. I don’t quite know just why I was smiling. There were plenty of bad memories here too. Fights, yelling, being beat up, being robbed. I could remember failed friendships, lost loves, and bitter feelings of failures too.
Still, I felt a certain amount of nostalgia despite the weight of these negative feelings. I almost wanted to experience everything again, although I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way. Concrete, asphalt, billboards and liquor stores were the normal vistas of everyday life. Occasionally, after a good rainstorm, the grey haze of smog would lift, and the mountains would be visible to the north. At least, they would be visible until mid-morning when the exhaust from a million cars covered them behind a veil of pollution.
It wasn’t until the first time I travelled out of the city that I realized there was more to see. Traveling up the coast north along the Pacific Coast Highway introduced me to scenes of deep blue ocean water spanning the width of my vision. Driving up Highway 3 introduced me to the permeating scent of Pine and Fir trees. The two-lane stretch of highway from Portland to Tillamook introduced me to lush green forests that I had only ever read about. When I came home to the same old dirty, dusty concrete and boiling summer asphalt, I had made up my mind. I would do everything it took to leave this place. I would not spend another day longer than was necessary living in cramped quarters and fighting for parking space.
I arrived to the house, and paused at the gate. The house sat in contrast of what the rest of the neighborhood looked like. Instead of overgrown grass and tall weeds all over the place, the landscaping showed signs of relatively recent work. The guava tree in the front lawn still had some fruit ready to be picked, and the avocado tree on the other side of the pathway was still weighed down by its own fruit. Flowers still bloomed in the raised bed in front of the house. My brother had clearly tried to keep up on things until the last possible moment. The house, too, looked better than what I expected after walking up 4 blocks and seeing nothing but dilapidated houses and unkempt yards. I opened the gate and walked up to the small porch. The metal gate that enclosed it was gone having been removed by my brother when he took over the property. It looked nice to see it open instead of the cage it once felt like.
I turned the knob on the door, but it didn't give. Ever a creature of habit, my brother had locked the door when he left. Of course, he did. I sighed and prepared to find another way in when I remembered my parents hiding a spare key. I wasn’t sure if it would still be there, but after running my hands along the back side of the gutter downspout, I was rewarded for my efforts. I unlocked the front door and stepped into the front living room, the sounds of my footsteps and the closing door echoing in the empty space. The room felt both larger and smaller than I remembered it. I suppose it was lack of furniture that made it feel larger, but it still felt smaller than I remember. The result of growing taller throughout the years I suppose. I slowly walked along the slate tile floor towards the central hallway that connected the front of the house to the back bedrooms. I wasn't entirely sure that just because the front door was locked, that there wasn't some squatter looking for a little temporary shelter within the back rooms. I carefully and silently crept step by step towards what used to be the bedroom shared by my sister and me. I stuck my head in and gave the room a cursory glance. It was empty, thankfully. I moved back into the hallway and peered into the bedroom across the hall. This is where both of my brothers had shared a room. It too, was empty save for a few boxes holding hardware and doorknobs from the closet doors of the bedroom. I walked back towards the back of the house where my parent's bedroom was. The walls in the hallway bore the dusty signs where picture once hung. The bedroom door was open. I stepped inside, and looked around. The old avocado paint that my mom had picked out years ago still adorned the walls. Walking further towards the addition that was the small room my grandma and grandpa lived in showed that there was no one here. I breathed a sigh of relief as I set my bag down and set up my tripod. I reached into my bag a pulled out an envelope of old photos. These were old snapshots that we had all taken at some point in time in the house. There were pictures of all of us sitting at the dining room table playing a game of Monopoly. There was a picture of my brother and sister sitting on a couch in the front living room. There was a picture of me hanging on the bars of the front porch. I looked through them all and held them in place in front of me as if I were holding a window to the past.
Each picture made the lump in my throat grow as I started to struggle to control my emotions. There was history here, and soon it would all be gone. This is the place where my parents had raised four kids. They had taken care of my grandparents in their twilight years here. My Aunt and my grandmother had both died in this house. Birthdays, graduation parties, and anniversaries had been celebrated here. The echoes of life had reverberated within the walls of this place. Now, the house sat silent. It would never again know happy screams of kids having a water-balloon war out in the front yard, nor would it hear the cries of anguish as the matriarch of the family passed away surrounded by her family. What once was a home full of life was now just an empty house made of drywall and paint. I sat there for a moment contemplating just how much family history was actually made here. As I thought hard about my siblings and my parents, I felt pained at the thought of our strained relationships. We had all scattered once we had the opportunity to be free of each other. My oldest brother had married and moved away as soon as possible. My sister now lived in northern California. My parents too had moved away. I was now living in Utah. Only my older brother had remained behind. The lump grew larger in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes. I held back sobs of anger and pain. Why was I hurting? Hadn’t I dealt with these issues already? I walked back to my old bedroom and sat down under the window. I pulled my head down into my knees and cried. I could hear yelling and screaming in my head. Shouting matches between siblings and parents, brothers and sister, rattled inside my brain, making the pain grow. I sat there and cried. I hadn’t cried like this in a long time. Eventually I ran out of tears and tired gasps of sorrow and regret washed over me as a blanket of drowsiness enveloped me. I leaned my head back and fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of footsteps. It took me a moment to realize what I was hearing and hurriedly stood up. Had someone followed me? I knew the police were patrolling the area sporadically. Had they seen me enter the house? I knew there would be a possibility of getting a trespassing citation, but I figured I could either talk my way out of it seeing as to how I was a former resident, or I could probably fight the citation in court if the judge knew why I was there in the first place. Ultimately, passing through the gate had been a calculated risk that I was willing to take for the sake of my art. I got up from my corner of the room and moved towards the door. If there was someone in the house, I needed to know. I didn’t want my gear to stolen, and if there was a cop in the house, I wanted to ensure I didn’t get shot.
I was greeted by the sight of a startled chubby boy standing on the other side of the door. His round cherubic face was crowned by a head of short curly hair. His hazel green eyes stared widely back at me. He clearly didn’t expect someone to be here in the house. His body recoiled in fear as he cowered back towards the hallway. “Wait, what are you doing here?” I asked as non-threateningly as I could. The boy muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you” I replied. “Are you here to rob us?” he timidly responded. “Rob you? What are you talking about?” I asked as confusion set in. “What are you doing here?” It was his turn to be confused. “Uh…I….live here?” he replied. “What do you mean you live here? No one lives-“I stopped midsentence. I hadn’t noticed in my initial shock but the room wasn’t the same. A familiar blue couch caught the corner of my eye. In front of that was an old console TV with a partially broken antenna hanging on the wall behind it. I walked further in to the living room to notice wood paneling on the walls. A large mirror hung on the wall to my left. Familiar yellow lamps sat on round drop-leaf tables on either side of the couch. A large hutch sat in one corner, a collection of letters and bills, mail advertisements, and a phone book covered scattered over it. “What just happened?” I asked out loud to no one in particular. I was thoroughly mystified by what my eyes were seeing. I had walked into the house from the front door and had stepped into an empty white room with slate floor tiles, but somehow now found myself in a furnished room with brown carpet that was all so familiar to me, yet was nothing but a distant faded memory. I turned to look at the boy still startled by the intrusion of a strange man looking wildly around the room in total shock.
“You can take what you want, just please let me go. I don’t want problems.” He stated his voice still shrill with anxiety. I blinked a few times as I tried to process just what the heck was going on. I gathered my thoughts as best I could and tried to reassure him. “Kid, I’m not here to rob anyone. I was just-“I shook my head “Where the hell am I? Am I having a dream?” I asked myself. “I must be dreaming. I’m just tired and still sleeping. This is all a dream. Yeah, that’s it.” I needed to sit down. Being back in the old house must have overtaxed my senses, I told myself. I’d having a dream about an old memory. I walked over to the chair next to the couch and sat down. I sunk into it and rested my head back towards the wall.
The boy kept his distance, but sensed I wasn’t there to hurt him. He looked me over with anxious curiosity. He stood at the far end of the couch, examining me while he played out scenarios in his head in preparation for a quick exit. “Why are you in my house?” he asked me. “Dude, this is all just a dream I’m having. I’m not really here.” He reached over to the couch and picked up a pillow. He reared his arm and threw it at me. It landed in my lap. “I don’t know, man. You sure seem to be here.” He said to me. I opened my eyes, startled. I looked down at the pillow he tossed and examined it. I ran my hand over the fabric and felt its texture. I remember this pillow. This was the pillow I would roll under my head as I lay on the couch and watched TV as a kid. A sudden realization hit me as I looked around the room with fresh eyes. No longer was I blinded by the fog of confusion. I knew exactly where I was.
I was home.
I looked at the boy still standing at the edge of the couch. I looked him over and realized who he actually was. I stared in disbelief as I smiled and tried to put him at ease. “It’s ok Johnny. I’m not here to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you. Please, sit down” I told him. I motioned to his end of the couch. “Who are you, and why are you here?” he asked me.
“This will be hard to believe, but I’m you” I said with an incredulous tone, “I’m not sure how I ended up here, but I’m here.” He looked at me as I had grown a second head. “That doesn’t make any sense. How could you be me? Did we invent time travel? Oh! Are we secret government agents with the CIA?”
I chuckled. “Wait, wait, wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I’m you at 38 years old. You’re…what, 11… 12 years old? It makes sense. I fell asleep under the window in my- our old bedroom. I didn’t come here on purpose or in a machine. And no, I’m not a government agent.” His face contorted to display understanding, disappointment and finally suspicion. His eyes narrowed as he leaned in towards me. “How do I know you’re really me?” he asked. I thought about it for a moment. How could I prove to him that I was who I said I was? A few seconds of silence settled between us. I stroked my chin, thinking of a solution.
“I have a better idea. Ask me questions that only you know the answers to.” “Okay” he responded. He glanced around the room trying to come up with something. His eyes fixated on the Nintendo sitting under the TV cabinet. “What game do me and Nathan have a map of?” I looked over at the NES. I hadn’t thought about this for years, but I knew instantly what he was asking. “YOU don’t have anything. Nathan is the one that made the map for Section Z” His jaw dropped. He tried to trick me, but his plan failed. He knew well and good that Nathan never let him play. It was always ‘I’ll let you play when I die’ or, ‘you can play when I’m done’. The problem was that he never followed through. Usually by the time Nathan was done, the NES was overheated, and the game would no longer load until it cooled down. By that point, it was time for bed.
“How do you know that?” he asked in astonishment. “I know these things because I’m you. Just like I know that you wear t-shirts to the pool because you’re embarrassed by what others will think of your body. I know that you used to think that people that die off in movies were prisoners that were set to be executed from death row, so they used them for making movies. I know all about you because I’m you”
Johnny sat on the end of the couch in bewilderment, his mouth slightly agape. He had never told anyone any of this. He didn’t have any close friends to talk to about such things, and those friends he did have were more acquaintances than friends. There was only one way he could possibly know these things. He was talking to his future self.
I could see Johnny’s mind completely explode. There lay endless possibility and the answers to a million questions he could ask about his own future. He started to ask a question, only to stop, close his mouth, and try asking another. I knew if he kept this up he would have a stroke or something. “Dude, calm yourself. Let’s talk this out rationally, otherwise you’ll end up stroking out or something.” I told him. He took a deep breath and I could hear him muttering quietly. I knew he was trying to form a coherent sentence before he actually spoke it. I did it all the time. “Ok, first of all, are we rich?” he asked with tempered expectation. I chuckled and grinned back at him. “No, not at all. If I was rich, would I be dressed like this?” I replied as I motioned to my beat up brown Vans and worn out jeans and T-shirt. “We-, I – make enough to get by. I’m not poor, but I earn enough to pay the bills.” His face grew a smirk as he commented “Yeah, I figured. What do I do for work? I mean, what do you do for work?” I thought about it for a second. I wondered how much information I should divulge to a younger me. I still didn’t think this whole situation was really happening, but if it was, I probably should proceed with caution. “Well, it’s complicated. I do a little bit of everything. You know how you’re constantly taking things apart? Let’s just say that it’s good to put them back together in order to keep them working. Take good notes on paper if you need to, and make sure you have a clean work area so you can keep track of all the parts.” He gave me a sheepish look. He knew exactly what I was talking about. I had spent countless hours sneaking dad’s tools to my room so I could figure out how something was built and try to figure out how it worked. I had gotten myself into some pretty bad trouble with dad over a drill, his timing light, and other stuff I had taken from his room. His belt had become quite familiar with my butt cheeks.
I gave him a knowing smile. “What else do you want to know?” He thought about it for a second. “Do we have a girlfriend?” I laughed, probably a little more than I should have because his face contorted into a sour frown. “You don’t need to be a jerk about it” he scowled. I continued to chuckle. “Yeah we have a girlfriend. We have more than a girlfriend” I could tell he was irritated with my vague indirect answers. I knew what he was asking. I remember the crush I had on my neighbor across the street. We had been friends since kindergarten, and had been classmates for 1st, 2nd, and 4th grades. We got along really well, and I knew from around 12 or 13 that I wanted to be her boyfriend. Unfortunately, things never progressed beyond the ‘just friends’ stage of things. It wasn’t from lack of effort on my part. We had just grown up together most of our lives that she didn’t see me as anything more than a brother and friend. “Dude, look. You just started to go through changes and you are starting to notice girls, but that doesn’t mean that you need to love every girl that shows you a little kindness or subtle interest. You need to slow down and let things happen naturally. You can’t force a relationship with someone.” Johnny pondered these words for a moment. I sat back and put my feet up on the coffee table. I looked around the room some more while I waited for another question. There was so much I had forgotten, but being back here had unlocked more and more memories that continued to wash over me. I was trying to hold on to my cool as not all those churned up recollections were pleasant. I stood up and walked over to the front door to peer outside the small central window embedded into the center of it. I could see the old neighborhood as I remembered it all those years ago. The lot across the street that served as a parking area for those that worked at the wheel works at the end of the block was empty of cars. I furrowed my brow as I thought for a moment. An empty lot meant it was afterhours or the weekend.
The gears in my own head started turning. “Wait, where is everyone?” I asked Johnny. Johnny turned to look at me still processing my last response. “Uh..oh, Mom and dad are out of town. They took a trip east this time. I think Rio said they are in Arizona right now. Rio and Nathan went out to get some food and to rent some movies from Video Showcase. Knowing them they’ll eat out first. Talia is staying over at Tia Rosie’s place today with her friends.” I grunted at his response. My mind was wandering as he mentioned Talia and Tia Rosie.
A sudden sharp pain pieced my heart. The pain of a thousand memories now unsealed spilled out from the box I had locked them away in. Tears welled in the corners of my eyes as I turned back to look at Johnny. He felt it too. He stared at the floor with an intensity that made me think it would burst into flames at any moment. I walked back over to him and sat next to him. He didn’t move. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he threw himself into me. I could feel the tears dripping onto me as he sobbed intensely. “Hey man, its ok. It’s going to be ok.” I said as my own tears started to flow uncontrollably. I pulled him close and draped my other arm around him.
I knew the pain he was feeling. It was such a heavy burden, and I knew there was no one he felt he could talk to. I remembered it all so vividly. We sat there for what seemed to be an eternity. When we finally stopped sobbing, and our noses ran dry, we tried to breathe our way through to calmness. I got up and knelt in front of him. “Johnny, listen to me and remember what it is that I’m about to say to you. You are stronger than you think. You are stronger than you believe. NO ONE should ever have to go through this. Just because it happened to Talia, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it any longer. I know you didn’t think it was wrong, but I’m telling you that what she is doing to you is wrong. Talking to mom and dad isn’t going to make them hate you. You are not doing this to her, she is doing it to you. I’m not making excuses for her, but she is also more damaged than anyone realizes, and she is also dealing with the same level of pain you are. Remember that we do unto others what has been done to us. That doesn’t mean we need to continue the cycle of abuse” The lump in my throat grew immense at my own statement. I swallowed it as best I could and continued “You are going to deal with this pain a little bit at a time, and you’ll slowly get over this. It’s like a broken bone. When it happens, you don’t realize how bad the pain is until the adrenaline wears off, but then the immense pain is there. Just remember that this will pass. Just like a broken bone, you will heal over time, and one day, you will realize that the pain is gone and the bone is no longer broken. You’ll remember the pain, but it won’t hurt anymore.”
Johnny sat there in stunned silence. I knew he didn’t have anyone to help him through this. He couldn’t talk to Rio or Nathan about what was going on. Mom and Dad were constantly working to keep the family fed and sheltered and while they provided materially for their kids, emotional help was less available. Perhaps it was due to their energies being divided into 4 kids, a mortgage and multiple jobs, or perhaps it was also the culture of not talking about problems. Either way, they needed to know what was happening. They wouldn’t be able to fix it otherwise. “They’re going to be mad at me” he finally said after a few moments of silence. “No they won’t be. They love us all. I know you’re not used to hearing it, but they do love you. Everything they do is because of their love for us. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Telling them isn’t going to cause them to be angry.” I thought for a moment to find a good analogy. “You love Odie and Lady, right?” He nodded in agreement. “Ok, how would you feel if you knew someone you trusted was coming to the house and beating up our dogs when we weren’t around?” He thought about it for a second before his face changed to anger. “I’d want to kill them!” “Yes, but would you also feel sad that you weren’t there to try to protect them?” I reasoned. His face changed again. He understood what I was saying. Mom and Dad would be angry, but not necessarily at him. They would also feel a great sadness knowing that someone was hurting their child.
I smiled at him. He understood. I nodded. “Dude…You’re going to come to understand that life is not what you think it will be. Life is messy and can change in an instant. The plans you make today may not make it to next week. A lifelong goal can be derailed because of something out of your control. Mom and dad have spent their life protecting us with the goal of keeping us safe, but circumstances out of their control have affected their kids, and now we- you all have to deal with the fallout. Just remember that you are not the culprit. Yes, mom and dad will be hurt and angry, but not at you. Trust them. They don’t do things to hurt us” Johnny hugged me. I- He didn’t have many people he could trust and open up to. He liked to talk a lot about everything going on in his life, no matter how trivial. Everything, except this. This was a shameful topic, and he didn’t feel like anyone would understand why he didn’t go to an adult sooner. The problem was simple. He simply didn’t understand that it was wrong. Now that he had an adult that he could talk to, himself no less, he wanted to lift this burden off his shoulders. He was happy to have found someone and he hugged me tightly. I hugged him back just at tightly. It wasn’t every day that I could meet my younger self and help to comfort them. “Thank you” he said to me.
The world darkened, and everything faded to black.
I lifted my head out of my knees and looked around. I was sitting under the window in my old bedroom again. Had I fallen asleep? I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked the time. I was emotionally drained and incredibly tired. I hadn’t had sleep like that in years. I got to my feet and looked around the room briefly before walking out to mom and dad’s old room. I grabbed my camera and slowly walked the house, snapping picture after picture. The only sound to be heard was the sound of the camera shutter and my soft footsteps. I thought about my dream as I took pictures.
Upon entering my room, a random memory hit me.
The stash.
I was pretty sure I had taken the hidden box when I moved out all those years ago, but since I was here, I should double check. Heading into the closet, I pushed the panel that led to the attic space out of the way and peered in. I couldn’t see anything, so I reached up there to feel around. The box was indeed gone. I felt around for a few more seconds and was surprised to feel what felt like a thick envelope. I didn’t remember leaving anything up there, but after pulling it down and giving it a cursory glance, I figured it was an old envelope of lost love letters. It wasn’t until I blew off the thick layer of dust that I realized what I was holding. It was a letter. Not just any letter. It was addressed to me.
Under the now semi-cleared layer of dust were the words “To be opened by future me”. I looked at it for a few moments before opening it. I couldn’t remember making this at all, much less storing it up in my secret hiding spot. If ever I hid something, it was in the stash box. My hands shook a bit as I started to open the envelope and pulled out the yellowed pages inside. I started reading.
"Dear Future John. I have spent the last few years remembering a dream I had when I was younger. Life was…difficult at that time, and I spent a lot of time escaping my reality by reading a lot of books and watching a lot of TV. On the off-chance that what I think is a dream really happened. I wanted to write some things down in an effort to give you my thanks. I merely consider myself a conveyer of thanks, although I will pile on my own thanks to you for your words of encouragement. I remember finding a stranger in the house one day while I was home alone. I was afraid he was there to hurt me at first, but after a few moments, I came to realize I was meeting myself. Well, I was meeting me, but from the future. I think he said he was in his 40’s, but I couldn’t tell you with any certainty. Either way, we talked. We talked about life, and what the future held in store for us…
Mostly though, we talked about the abuse. Well, Talked is being generous. We cried, and then we talked. I don’t remember exactly what he told me, but I remember how he made me feel. He made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust him. Trust myself. In the end, he gave me the courage to stand up for myself both at home and at school. He also gave me the courage to talk to mom and dad about what was going on between me and Talia. I do remember being afraid that I would be punished, but he reassured me that they wouldn’t, and that they loved me.
It was a difficult and awkward conversation, but in the end, arrangements were made for me to share a room with Rio and Nathan. I didn’t have much of a relationship with Talia for a long while, but after some years, we managed to patch things up. She apologized to me, and I came to understand the abuse she herself was subjected to by so-called family friends. She didn’t tell me this in an effort to excuse it, but to merely help give me closure to a difficult time from my own childhood. Mom and dad promised to be more attentive to us and we sort of established what I guess you would call an open door policy. We talk more about stuff that’s happening in our lives. Mom is much easier to talk to now. Dad is a little more patient with us too. I apologized to them for not coming to them sooner, and dad gave me a “nugget of wisdom” that I think I’ll live by: We can’t fix what we don’t know is broken. I’ve tried to make sure I talk to them when something is wrong, and I’ve tried to implement that in my life so I don’t have problems with other people.
I’m trying to grow up to be a good guy. I want to have good relationships with people. Nathan says I’m turning into a people pleaser, but I don’t necessarily see that as a terrible thing. I know when to say no to someone. Well, either way, I wanted to make sure I thank you for the help you gave us. I probably won’t remember writing this, but I hope I do find it again someday. Here’s hoping I turn into the man I feel you are. -John Age 16."
I stared at the letter, the words blurring as tears welled up in my eyes. I quickly brushed them away as I quietly spoke to no one in particular. “Thanks guys. I hope I live up to your expectations” I folded the letter, placed it in my pocket, and walked out of the room. After picking up my backpack and tripod, I silently walked towards the front door, my footsteps echoing in the empty house. I turned to look back at the empty living room one last time, and after a moment, I walked out.

This one right here... https://www.reddit.com/martialarts/comments/1cm05tl/what_do_you_think_of_the_statement_bad_people_are/
It was fun so here's the long follow up. That bad advice that random older dudes kept giving me was the least worrying thing in those three hours of analyzing that church's security measures. I hit up a friend of mine that has a whole lot more security-specific training than I do just to see if I was overthinking things. Bro has taught me a lot, and I still try to make the trip once or twice a year to train with him. Between emails and a phone call I think I did a pretty good job of compiling our conversation. Most of the convo is also here but I'm not a shameless self-promoter on Tuesdays.
This isn't so much about martial arts or fighting or self-defense, but it probably is helpful and good discussion because a lot of you would hopefully give a crap about these same issues.
DC (Me): When I arrived I drove around the building and no one was posted at any of the 3 front entrances, at least not outside and visible. There was always someone at either of the 2 back entrances and the 1 north end entrance.
TF (The Friend): If someone is truly invested in safety they would have all doors covered, including the main entrance(s). Now maybe their thinking is the main entrance is where people come and go and it might be “uncomfortable” for visitors however we are talking about KEEPING PEOPLE ALIVE. To me that is worth the slight discomfort. And one way they could accomplish it without having to make it an uncomfortable experience is put “greeters” at the main entrance dressed in their Sunday best but they are actually part of the security response team. Those greeters need training in profiling, body language, situational awareness and of course the surface level expected things (firearm, hand to hand, situation specific training such as an active threat). Also does this place have security cameras? Security cameras need to monitor the entire property. And keep in mind people stake out places, plant things at places, etc during off hours. Cameras are a must. Want to make some money? Offer to install a system for them. I’ll help you.
DC: There was no mention to me of where first aid kits and AEDs are located in the building. I know where one AED is on the lower floor but it’s a 4-story building. Considering that I was outside the most heavily-traveled door, it would seem prudent for me to know where those are if I see someone get hit by a car or grab their chest and fall down.
TF: An emergency doesn’t always mean a violent situation. It could be someone suffering a heart attack, a child getting run over by a car driven by an 80 yr blind church goer or just a simple amputation of a finger because they are making sandwiches in the church kitchen. Every single floor needs to have multiple AEDs and COMPLETE first aid kits (that’s a whole class in itself – how to stock a first aid kit). I say multiples because you want quick easy access to one of those item no matter where you are at in the building. I don’t know how big the place is but even starting just by putting a complete first aid kit and AED at the N and S ends of the building is a good start along with training the congregation on CPR. You don’t need the piece of paper from a class, just get someone who knows how to come teach.
DC: Along the same line, no emergency action plans were provided. What to do if part of the building has to be evacuated for a fire or smoke? In case of severe weather or tornado threats what parts of the building should be evacuated and what are the safest areas to move people to until the danger passes? They might have these plans somewhere, but what’s the point if you don’t share them with the ones who would have to execute them.
TF: This is a mistake. There has to be an evacuation plan to remove as many people as possible from the building should something occur (fire, active threat, etc). If there are tornado shelters obviously that’s the safe spot for that specific situation. Many times the evacuation plan put in place can be used for multiple threats (active threat, fire, chemical spill, etc) because it’s about removing the people AWAY from the danger. And YES you are 1000% right those plans/routes need to be shared with EVERYONE in the congregation. When people do not know what to do or where to go there will be chaos, always. The people in charge might THINK they are going to be the go to person to provide guidance and manage the crowd but I will tell you when shit hits the fan no one is listening to them. People will be stepping on their own just to get out. With that being said, any evacuation plans that are created need to be drilled by the entire congregation. It could be done 10m before church for the next 6 Sundays to make sure EVERYONE knows the plan.
DC: It gets worse. There actually is no active shooter plan in place. Apparently some Lt. with the local police department will be doing an active shooter training in the future. I'll be in attendance with the lowest hopes in the room.
TF: This should be interesting and disappointing. My first question to him would be “What are your qualifications/experience to teach this? Have you experienced it first hand?”. Or is everyone looking at him because of his “label” which really means nothing other than that is his occupation that allows him to pay his electric bill. I have yet to see (other than myself) anyone put on a close to reality active shooter training session. Most people (law enforcement included) do powerpoint presentations. Unfortunately many “experts” teaching how to survive an active shooter situation think 4 hour Powerpoint presentations, statistics and cute acronyms are properly training people to survive one of the worst experiences a person could face. Powerpoint presentations do not save lives… ACTION saves lives! You know that though.
DC: Same with an active stabber, no plans there. Or at least no one could show me a plan.
TF: Same as the active shooter.
DC: Here's one you'll love. In the event of a person being violent, the directions I was given were to stay away, make a call over the radio, and let someone else come deal with it. They're also bringing in another security consultant (a former Navy SEAL, just like those three guys who all claim they killed bin Laden) to do de-escalation training at some point. I'm skipping that shit.
TF: I’ve always said if you can remove yourself from a situation that is the best way to increase your odds of staying alive. HOWEVER – there are some situations where immediate action is needed NOW! Especially if you are responsible for the safety of others the goal is to not only eliminate the threat but also minimize damage (limit the casualties). The other night we worked full blown knife attacks. I asked someone to demo with me. I slaughtered him with 20+ stabs/slashes in about 5 seconds and that was before he hit the ground and I mounted and continued. My point – the longer an event goes on the more damage innocents will experience. If you have time to go make a phone call then you have time to take effective action that works towards eliminating the threat and minimizing damage. Their suggestion to call someone else is so typical of people who have no concept of how violence really works (let someone else handle your problem…lol). No one cares for your life more than you do. It’s your responsibility. And regardless of what someone’s propaganda says about their label it still takes time to make a phone call, it takes time for someone to arrive and even when they arrive there is no guarantee they will even engage the threat. The overall goal for ALL VIOLENT ENCOUNTERS is to make the even AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE. The longer a violent event continues the odds of you leaving lessen and the odds increased causalities goes through the roof.
Poster's note: When he and I say we're going to train someone in knife attacks rather than knife defenses. The partner (the attacker) is going to be training on how to freaking stab you just as hard as you're training to resist being stabbed.. Rubber knife, protective gear and 100% stabbing vs 100% resistance, for advanced students, is a fun time. If you're wearing the pads you're going to get your ass kicked. He wasn't actually training his class how to go on stabbing sprees.
DC: This was one that’s not even related to fight skills or ability to engage a threat. There was not even a quick introductory rant on recognizing suspicious people or behavior. The more I talked to other volunteers the more I realized none of them had a clue.
TF: This is touched on in my answer to your first question. People who are determined to execute violent activity do not walk around with signs or flashing lights. It’s not always obvious like in the movies. They blend in and lay low until the moment to take action. These church people have no clue what they are doing. It’s all what I call “surface level thinking” meaning the basic stuff your average person who is inexperienced in the subject thinks of – “Get a police officer officer in our group to teach us something.” Teach you what? How to hand out traffic citations? “We have retired military this or that and retired law enforcement and a former rodeo clown who are packing heat during church.” Ok have they ever dealt with using their weapon when there is mass chaos and people screaming/running everywhere? Bullets only travel in a straight line and do not go around innocents if they are in the way. But just because someone has a firearm doesn’t mean they have the mindset to use it.
DC: You’ll love this one. 5 minutes before the church service let out we were told to call it quits for the day, before everyone in the building started filing out to the parking lot at one time.
TF: Do you mean the response team was training, etc and the church had you guys leave 5 minutes before the congregation got out? That ties exactly into my comment in question #1 about appearance/comfort level. Why hide it? Is there anyone in the church (or the world for that matter) that would disagree the world is getting more violent? Everyone knows it is… they’ve either experienced it or seen/heard news stories so why not put it out there that the church takes the safety and well being of their members SERIOUSLY? I have a saying I came up with once when I was talking to a place about active shooter training and they said it couldn’t be hands ons and they were hoping more for like a speaking engagement because their policy doesn’t allow physical contact. My response – “Until you put people before your policies, your people will continue to die.” And that’s just plain truth. Everyone is so worried about policy/comfort level they are putting that before the actual goal of saving people’s lives. If you are getting ready for a championship basketball game what should you do in practice? Play some damn basketball. Well if you are wanting to learn how to save your life/others in a violent situation what should you practice? VIOLENCE. Why would you do ANYTHING ELSE in practice than what you are preparing for? It’s not logical. I think the congregation would approve and love the idea that “their church cares”.
DC: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the building’s security measures? Is it fucked, or am I crazy and overthinking it because I am oddly OCD about details sometimes?
TF: I would give them a grade of 2 (at best) out of 10. You are 1000% on point on everything. You have training. You understand violent situations but you’ve been trained by someone and a group that has experienced it and knows how violence REALLY unfolds. The people who are in charge with this “security” policy at your church have ZERO experience and ZERO training. Imagine this - would you want a surgeon who has no education in operation and no experience to attempt to perform a life saving surgery on you? A question I would ask them is - "How SERIOUS are you about saving lives?"

My Harmon Kardon Citation Multibeam 1100 sometimes sounds... strange 🤨.
It’s connected through a LG CX with HDMI eArc.
The problem When I watch a TV channel that outputs Dolby Surround (shown in the display of the soundbar) - voices (aka center channel) sounds like the treble is turned up - and they lack bass completely. It’s a tiny, sort of distorted sound. Other channels sound great (when PCM is shown in the display).
I also watch movies from Apple TV - and the problem is the same for Dolby Atmos movies: Tiny voices - no bass what-so-ever.
However, all other sounds in the movie sound great, with full depth and immersive surround.
Is this a problem with the soundbar or is it just the way it is (hope not).
TV Settings Sound out: HDMI Arc DTV Audio Setting: Auto Digital Sound Out: Pass Through eArc: On
Soundbar firmware 23.09.51.81.01

I've had some fellow training partners who went into various forms of security work, with no other experience apart from the gym we trained in. I've said before that true Krav is about survival as much as anything else, and you will rarely (super rarely) see this mentality in a gym. I'm not going to a fight gym to learn CPR or how to stitch a wound but I would attend a special workshop on packing a first aid kit or a bug-out bag.
The last post here was about several issues noticed within a building's security plan and execution. 5 of the points I made had nothing to do with actively engaging a violent threat. Knowing how to survive an attack and go home are important, but just as important is knowing how to prepare and avoid that attack before it happens or knowing how to respond when some other form of non-violent shit hits the fan. I talked to a friend and trainer at another gym (that taught me a whole lot of things over the years), and here are the points he made about the non-violent things I brought up....
RK (Me): When I arrived I drove around the building and no one was posted at any of the 3 front entrances, at least not outside and visible. There was always someone at either of the 2 back entrances and the 1 north end entrance.
TF (The Friend): If someone is truly invested in safety they would have all doors covered, including the main entrance(s). Now maybe their thinking is the main entrance is where people come and go and it might be “uncomfortable” for visitors however we are talking about KEEPING PEOPLE ALIVE. To me that is worth the slight discomfort. And one way they could accomplish it without having to make it an uncomfortable experience is put “greeters” at the main entrance dressed in their Sunday best but they are actually part of the security response team. Those greeters need training in profiling, body language, situational awareness and of course the surface level expected things (firearm, hand to hand, situation specific training such as an active threat). Also does this place have security cameras? Security cameras need to monitor the entire property. And keep in mind people stake out places, plant things at places, etc during off hours. Cameras are a must. Want to make some money? Offer to install a system for them. I’ll help you.
RK: There was no mention to me of where first aid kits and AEDs are located in the building. I know where one AED is on the lower floor but it’s a 4-story building. Considering that I was outside the most heavily-traveled door, it would seem prudent for me to know where those are if I see someone get hit by a car or grab their chest and fall down.
TF: An emergency doesn’t always mean a violent situation. It could be someone suffering a heart attack, a child getting run over by a car driven by an 80 yr blind church goer or just a simple amputation of a finger because they are making sandwiches in the church kitchen. Every single floor needs to have multiple AEDs and COMPLETE first aid kits (that’s a whole class in itself – how to stock a first aid kit). I say multiples because you want quick easy access to one of those item no matter where you are at in the building. I don’t know how big the place is but even starting just by putting a complete first aid kit and AED at the N and S ends of the building is a good start along with training the congregation on CPR. You don’t need the piece of paper from a class, just get someone who knows how to come teach.
RK: Along the same line, no emergency action plans were provided. What to do if part of the building has to be evacuated for a fire or smoke? In case of severe weather or tornado threats what parts of the building should be evacuated and what are the safest areas to move people to until the danger passes? They might have these plans somewhere, but what’s the point if you don’t share them with the ones who would have to execute them.
TF: This is a mistake. There has to be an evacuation plan to remove as many people as possible from the building should something occur (fire, active threat, etc). If there are tornado shelters obviously that’s the safe spot for that specific situation. Many times the evacuation plan put in place can be used for multiple threats (active threat, fire, chemical spill, etc) because it’s about removing the people AWAY from the danger. And YES you are 1000% right those plans/routes need to be shared with EVERYONE in the congregation. When people do not know what to do or where to go there will be chaos, always. The people in charge might THINK they are going to be the go to person to provide guidance and manage the crowd but I will tell you when shit hits the fan no one is listening to them. People will be stepping on their own just to get out. With that being said, any evacuation plans that are created need to be drilled by the entire congregation. It could be done 10m before church for the next 6 Sundays to make sure EVERYONE knows the plan.
RK: This was one that’s not even related to fight skills or ability to engage a threat. There was not even a quick introductory rant on recognizing suspicious people or behavior. The more I talked to other volunteers the more I realized none of them had a clue.
TF: This is touched on in my answer to your first question. People who are determined to execute violent activity do not walk around with signs or flashing lights. It’s not always obvious like in the movies. They blend in and lay low until the moment to take action. These church people have no clue what they are doing. It’s all what I call “surface level thinking” meaning the basic stuff your average person who is inexperienced in the subject thinks of – “Get a police officer officer in our group to teach us something.” Teach you what? How to hand out traffic citations? “We have retired military this or that and retired law enforcement and a former rodeo clown who are packing heat during church.” Ok have they ever dealt with using their weapon when there is mass chaos and people screaming/running everywhere? Bullets only travel in a straight line and do not go around innocents if they are in the way. But just because someone has a firearm doesn’t mean they have the mindset to use it.
RK: You’ll love this one. 5 minutes before the church service let out we were told to call it quits for the day, before everyone in the building started filing out to the parking lot at one time.
TF: Do you mean the response team was training, etc and the church had you guys leave 5 minutes before the congregation got out? That ties exactly into my comment in question #1 about appearance/comfort level. Why hide it? Is there anyone in the church (or the world for that matter) that would disagree the world is getting more violent? Everyone knows it is… they’ve either experienced it or seen/heard news stories so why not put it out there that the church takes the safety and well being of their members SERIOUSLY? I have a saying I came up with once when I was talking to a place about active shooter training and they said it couldn’t be hands ons and they were hoping more for like a speaking engagement because their policy doesn’t allow physical contact. My response – “Until you put people before your policies, your people will continue to die.” And that’s just plain truth. Everyone is so worried about policy/comfort level they are putting that before the actual goal of saving people’s lives. If you are getting ready for a championship basketball game what should you do in practice? Play some damn basketball. Well if you are wanting to learn how to save your life/others in a violent situation what should you practice? VIOLENCE. Why would you do ANYTHING ELSE in practice than what you are preparing for? It’s not logical. I think the congregation would approve and love the idea that “their church cares”.
RK: On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the building’s security measures? Is it fucked, or am I crazy and overthinking it because I am oddly OCD about details sometimes?
TF: I would give them a grade of 2 (at best) out of 10. You are 1000% on point on everything. You have training. You understand violent situations but you’ve been trained by someone and a group that has experienced it and knows how violence REALLY unfolds. The people who are in charge with this “security” policy at your church have ZERO experience and ZERO training. Imagine this - would you want a surgeon who has no education in operation and no experience to attempt to perform a life saving surgery on you? A question I would ask them is - "How SERIOUS are you about saving lives?"
There you go. Saving your life or someone else's doesn't always come down to how much practice you have throwing 3-punch combos at a cooperative partner, how much you spar, or even how many of my intense pressure drills you've gone through. A little prevention could go a long ways as well.

I’m remembering why I wasn’t applied all that much in extracurricular or school spirit activities when I remember the crass behaviors some teachers would exhibit.
Like whenever I watch movies there’s always that one professor that inspires a less than stellar student to overachieve, but in my case, it was like they only cared about the straight-A students or the popular kids.
In one particular example, I remember my ap psych teacher once used my personal email as an example of what not to use when emailing a primary source for a citation during a research paper. Like wtf, why did you have have to tell everyone I was using my email 2cool4party @yahoo.com or whatever? It was almost like she was trying to show off or make a spectacle out of my naiveness. I didn’t have another email atm but im pretty sure I never sent the email in the first place.
Then there were the teachers that pandered to the rich or “popular” kids by looking cool and hip. So many teachers I felt like were making up for their days in school. Really cringe worthy now in retrospect.
This continued in college as well. Class discussions always felt limited to an inclusive group of the same students.
Yeah, that’s why I didnt really care to do anything outside of class time. Some teachers are tools.

🫖 Welcome back to the Asylum write-up. This is where you live now. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
In this installment, we finally take a closer look at how Emilie Autumn's hyper-loyal fanbase gradually started losing faith in her as, among other things, it became more and more apparent that she... wasn't exactly a reliable narrator – in her semi-autobiographical book, or in general.

HOW IT STARTED: A WOMAN OF MYSTERY

Willow, weep for me Don't think I don't see This life I'm living in two But still it's something I must do I'm not unique in this Nor am I special, sweet, or kind I court a thousand smiles Yet I keep my own to hide behind (“Willow”, 2004 🎵)

I've previously referred to EA as an “expert vagueposter”, and this is relevant here.
For an artist who built her brand on a pledge of raw, rats-and-all honesty, EA has always been quite guarded about the specifics of her personal life. (Until her current partner, for instance, she always danced around calling anyone a boyfriend, even when the nature of the relationship was pretty obvious.) Her whole angle is telling “the truth”, but through whimsical fantasy. As early as the fairy-themed Enchant era, she had her own world, her own vernacular; she spoke in metaphors, in-jokes, and quirky anachronisms. Taxis were carriages, her electric keyboard was a harpsichord, she always capitalized Time and Art like Shakespeare does. On the Asylum forum, automatic word filters would change “fan” to “muffin”, “fairy” to “faerie”, “bra” to “teacup holder”, and “responsibility” to “ratsponsibility”.
She's a chatterbox who loves to share memories and funny anecdotes, but she usually keeps them short and sweet, Snapple-facts style. 📝 She's great at painting by touches in her storytelling, revealing just enough to let your imagination auto-complete the rest. 🔍 Even the most banal tidbits are very artfully told, very “on brand”, often dense with symbolism and foreshadowing – but also very abstracted.
She is especially elusive when it comes to her background and formative years. See the way she catches herself in this interview 📺📝 while describing her “favorite scar”, which is from an eel bite: “My – well, someone I knew... [gasp-laugh] had it as a pet, and...” (She was about to say “my sister”.)
In short, the way EA talks about her life is often very personal, but not all that candid – and sounds more like it's meant to provide a curated, coherent backstory for Emilie Autumn the character, rather than Emilie Autumn the person.

I'll tell the truth, all my songs Are pretty much the fucking same I'm not a fairy but I need More than this life, so I became This creature representing more to you Than just another girl... (“Swallow”, 2006 🎵)

In the beginning, this guardedness naturally contributed to the mystique. It made it all the more special when, once in a while, she would briefly drop the theatrics to share something earnest and relatively unfiltered. Like this composed, but vulnerable post from 2004 📝 about her father losing his battle to cancer, and her attempts at closure over their tense relationship. Or this 2012 anti-bullying campaign thing 📺 in which she opens up about being a target of intense physical bullying in elementary school, to a point that contributed to her being homeschooled at 9.
Fans in the early years were curious about her backstory, of course – but not too prodding or invasive, to my knowledge. I think there was an understanding that EA, like many performers, wanted to come across as human and approachable, while still cultivating an “aura” and retaining some privacy. But obviously, when she announced that she was writing a Tell-All Memoir in 2007, everyone was dying to read it. TEA TIME!

HOW IT'S GOING: A WOMAN OF... MALARKEY???

LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! (“Liar”, 2006 🎵)

As we've learned, the original 2009 release of EA's book was highly anticipated, but somewhat tainted by a bunch of shipping delays and unfulfilled promises. From the start of her career, EA had always cultivated a close parasocial involvement with her audience; many fans had as deep an attachment to her, personally, as they did to her art. So, for instance, when EA tweeted about all the personal dedications she was lovingly writing in overdue books, only for the books to arrive many months later and unsigned with no tangible explanation, it wasn't simply frustrating: it was betrayal amongst kin!
Really, it wasn't so much about fans not getting what they paid for – it was about the lack of clear communication or genuine accountability. This is pure speculation on my part, but the poppycock that EA tweeted about signing the books strikes me as the panic-lie of someone who hadn't realized just how many heartfelt, personalized dedications she would actually have to write when she came home from tour. And then she just couldn't do it, because she was overworked, paralyzed, distracted, depressed, procrastinating, whatever. Which... you know... is unfortunate, but probably not unforgivable. Especially for a touring performer who is open and vocal about their mental health issues.
I'm confident that most fans would have been happy to tell her that her well-being meant more to them than an autograph, or something along those lines. Instead, EA's cagey and avoidant demeanor around this issue left fans very salty – and newly suspicious of their favorite artist's word.
Which was regrettable timing for EA, because they had just received their copies of her memoir.
Here's a cursory look at some key biographical points that didn't hold up to scrutiny when more and more vexed fans, over the years, started looking into them.
Content warning until end of post: family estrangement, death by fire, worsening physical health issues, mention of disordered eating / weight loss / thinspiration, and LIES! LIES! LIIIIIES!

“EMILIE AUTUMN LIDDELL (BORN SEPTEMBER 22, 1979) IS AN AMERICAN SINGER-SONGWRITER...” (Wikipedia)

Every fandom has its Holy Grail. Because a number of EA's early releases were limited pressings put out through now-defunct record labels, the EA fandom in its heyday was a collector's wonderland. 📝🦠 At the height of her popularity, the original Enchant jewelcase (the one with the puzzle-poster) could easily fetch around $500 dollars on eBay, unsigned. The handwritten lyrics of an Opheliac B-side went for $940 in 2009. Don't even ask me about the hard copies of her two poetry books: those never even popped up over the five or six years that I had various alerts set up for all EA-related listings.
But the true crown jewel of EA rarities is the untitled promo version of her (also virtually unfindable) 2001 instrumental debut On a Day... No one knows how many copies exist. The darn thing is so rare that it's not even listed on Discogs. For a while, the only picture of the elusive “Violin” promo CD that was circulated online was this one.🪞 Go ahead, click the link. Notice anything odd? That black box where one composer's birth year should be?
I'm not sure why the notorious hyper-fan who originally shared this picture on the forum in the early 2010s took it upon himself to censor it before posting. I wasn't able to pinpoint when or why people started questioning EA's age, but clearly, something had already transpired to let him know that not redacting said birth year might, uh... cause an upset. In any case: at some point, people started digging – and eventually, the unredacted version of the “Violin” tracklist (as well as public records and literal receipts from eBay auctions) would be brandished as one more piece of damning evidence that EA was indeed (gasp!) two years older than she claimed to be.
“Okay, and?” you shrug. “What's the big deal?” I'm shrugging too! What can I say? People don't like realizing they've been fooled, even about something stupid. I will note that EA's fall equinox birthday (hence her middle name “Autumn”, yes) had been somewhat significant in the fandom. Over the years, EA's birthdays had been marked by online release parties, Q&A's, community events, special merch sales... A number of fans liked donning her trademark cheek heart on September 22. It felt a bit uncanny to realize that she had been announcing a false age on those occasions. It wasn't “a big deal” so much as it was incredibly odd.
Other than being appalled that Self-Proclaimed Staunch Feminist EA would give in to the cult of youth and not cop up to her real age, many fans were just plain bewildered: who would commit so stubbornly to such an inconsequential lie? What was even the point of lying by two years only? Why did she think anyone would care that she was 28 rather than 26 when Opheliac came out? What was she possibly getting out of this...??
My completely speculative theory is that, whether it was her idea or her then-manager's, the lie originated as a marketing strategy early on in her career. The “Violin” demo was recorded in 1997, when EA was 19-going-on-20. Per the liner notes of On a Day... 📝, which came out when she was 22, the demo's purpose was to be “a sort of calling card in the classical music industry”. Evidently, that didn't work out; EA claims, in the same paragraph, to have walked out on a classical recording deal at 18 because they wouldn't give her enough creative control.
Talented and unique as she was, she was trying to break out in a notoriously elitist and innovation-resistant milieu – and unlike her, most of the 22-year-old classical violinists she was in competition with had actually graduated from their prestigious music schools. But you know what sells better than an ambitious college dropout in her early twenties? Tweaking the truth just so to market yourself as an unconventional wunderkind, barely out of her teens! Any rendition of a complex, learnèd musical piece sounds more intriguing and impressive if you think it was played by an especially young (and beautiful) person. 20 was plausible, close enough to her real age, barely a lie at all, and such a nice, round number for a debut album.
Notice how much of the On a Day... liner notes, linked above, center on her precociousness, her uniqueness, and her savant-like dedication to her craft – a focus that seems absent from the promo version (from what I can decipher in those potato-quality pictures, anyway). These talking points would provide the basis for a lot of her early self-promotion and budding stage persona in the Enchant years. Even though the EP failed to make EA a household name in the classical world, the wunderkind narrative was her “in” to grab the attention and heart of a broader audience.
And I guess she's been running with it ever since.

“MY ANCESTRY IS POSITIVELY LITTERED WITH LUNATICS AND GIRLS WHO FALL DOWN RABBIT HOLES ... MY NAME IS EMILIE AUTUMN LIDDELL. YES, THAT LIDDELL.”

Oh, come on. Much as a fan may want to believe, isn't that a little on the nose? The anglophile with an obsession for tea, clocks, and madness... is literally related to Alice in Wonderland? 🔍 Curiouser and curiouser indeed.
EA came out as Emilie Autumn Liddell in The Book – of course – in a passage where she describes an interaction with a nurse. 📝 Note how she stresses the authenticity of her name, and how not-chosen it is (and the Alice connection, which just comes up organically) by disclosing it in a scene where she's filling out paperwork.
I'm pointing this out, because it would be tempting to allow room for creative license (and the slightest cringe) in a work of creative fiction based on personal experience. Buuut... TAFWG was not marketed as fiction. The main narrative in TAFWG, according to EA, is an actual fac-simile of the journals she kept during a harrowing stay at a Los Angeles psychiatric hospital following a suicide attempt. This is something that EA has stressed from the inception of the book (and throughout all subsequents re-issues, even as the main narrative was altered and reworked), even claiming that a legal team had advised her to redact some names to avoid potential lawsuits. So, no, she's not doing a bit there.
When, after it made the rounds a few times, it became apparent that the claim didn't really make sense 📝🔍, reactions were mixed. Some older, diplomatic fans downplayed it as a somewhat embarrassing, but harmless self-mythologizing – similar in nature to her insistence on calling her electric keyboard a “harpsichord”. Devout EA apologists (commonly referred to as “bootlickers” in an increasingly polarized fandom – oh, don't worry, we're getting to that!) invoked the “life as performance art” defense: when she said it was literally her first name, she meant it metaphorically, duh! And either way, she probably had her reasons.
But others took offense at the boldness of the lie, or simply became curious. Was Liddell even her name at all?
If you've checked the link just above, you already know the answer. Per the public California birth log (a somewhat demented invasion of privacy that could well have been avoided by... not repeatedly drawing attention to a name that someone in the book calls “right out of a movie”?) : yes, no, kind of.
EA was born Emily Autumn Fischkopf* on September 22, 1977. The name came from her father, a first-generation immigrant from Germany. Her maternal grandmother's maiden name was Liddell (but no, not that Liddell, or so remotely that it doesn't matter). EA may have had it legally changed at some point in the last decade, but as of 2012, based on the public log of foreign visitors to Brazil (where she toured that year), her passport still bore the name “Emily Autumn Fischkopf”.
*No, EA's birth name is not literally “Fischkopf”. It's a non-silly German name that begins with an F. I know that it's ridiculous to clutch my pearls about EA's peace of mind now, but triggering new and disquieting Google alerts for a name she clearly wants nothing to do with (and that you don't care about) just feels... distasteful? I don't know. That info has been floating around long enough, the point has been made; this write-up is not about EA's last name, but about the fiends we made along the way! So Fischkopf it is.
Let's track the evolution here! It appears that she went by “Autumn Fischkopf” for at least part of her formative years, if we are to believe the credits from Mark Ruffalo's middling film debut 📺 (she was the child actor's violin-playing body double) and this random article about a Nigel Kennedy performance in 1997. 🔍 (That last link – possibly her first ever mention in the press? – is a niche favorite of mine. Violin superstar Nigel Kennedy calls her a “talented fiddler”, which suggests that she did have some cred and promise in the classical milieu at a young age, and that there is at least some truth to her claims of being a wunderkind. It also cracks me up that, out of all the things she's reiterated over the years, “I was born in '79” was a lie, but “I was attacked by a pet eel” was fact-checked by Nigel Kennedy.)
At some point in her late teens, she dropped the Teutonic surname and adopted the French ending of her given name (she made it a “LIE”! how poetic) to form the moniker “Emilie Autumn”. I assume that's also when she started privately going by Emilie / EA for short.
So there you have it. The damning evidence. A performing artist... changed her name. To her grandmother's name. Riveting stuff!
And to think that her fans could have carried on naively believing “Autumn” was her last name, or assuming it was a romantic nom de scène she picked during her Ren Fair phase. Or perhaps, even, not thinking much about her name at all, like normal people.
But nooo, she just had to poke the hornet's nest by making a whole thing out of it.

“MY ENTIRE FAMILY DIED IN A FIRE.”

If you've never encountered a method-acting con artist or a person who struggles with pathological lying (I'll let you decide for yourself which of these, if either, applies to EA), you probably believe that you'd spot them a mile away. And in my experience, that's exactly why you wouldn't! Whether it's compulsion or calculated strategy, successful fibbers rely on people's natural social cues (like their assumption of good faith, their confirmation bias, their empathy, their desire for validation, their fear of awkwardness, ...) to subtly direct the flow and tone of the conversation. This allows them to short-circuit potential questioning of their claims.
One such strategy, for instance, I call the “I-will-not-further-speak-about-the-incident maneuver”. Out of the blue, you drop a graphic and incisive one-liner about something horrific that happened to you, in a curt or flippant tone that throws the listener off and usually shuts them up – thus sparing you from having to back up your claim with any convincing specifics. I'm not saying that every person who does this is a liar. Horrific stuff does happen to people, and I'm not here to police how they're supposed to disclose it. I'm just saying that if you wanted to fabricate an obvious Tragic Backstory™ and smuggle it past otherwise rational, discerning and reasonably intelligent people, that would be one way to do it. Full disclosure: it does work better in person than it does over the internet, especially when you've kept a blog.
When EA curtly dropped this bomb on Twitter (in response to an innocuous fan question that mentioned her parents – the receipt has sadly been X'd out of existence), and every subsequent time a new fan found out about her family's tragic demise (“I had no idea!”), the response was typically one of shock and sadness – and, in a few heartbreaking cases, commiseration from other survivors of family-annihilating events.
Many fans already had a hunch that something was up with her family, of course. She hinted at neglect and possible abuse in her book and lyrics. A number of her fans also came from dysfunctional households, so her not wishing to elaborate on the topic would probably have been a non-issue. But now she's saying they're dead? All of them? In a FIRE?! Holy macaroni! And you know it must have been awful, because EA – the same woman who got a dozen bangers out of a three-month-long toxic relationship, and based over a decade of her work on one bad hospital stay – had never, not once, felt called to share a song or poem about how it might affect a person to... lose all of their entire immediate family to a fire. Hmm. Meanwhile, the handful of older fans who had been following her since Enchant and remembered her dad passing in 2004 gritted their teeth and rolled their eyes. “Do your research. That's all I can say.” (We'll get into the culture of censorship free speech regulation on the Asylum forum in due time.)
Before more and more embittered ex-fans started compiling and circulating the receipts in the early-mid-2010s, investigating the whole “dead family” thing was a lonely journey – a coming-of-age expedition for the critical-minded Plague Rat, trawling through free background check websites and old Wayback Machine archives, until you went “Welp, there it is, I guess” and suddenly felt older, stupider, and a little bit hollow inside.
Although I don't remember how I personally made my way to The Truth (lol) back in the day, I still have a vivid memory of the moment I found the Facebook profile of EA's Very Much Non-Deceased Mother. It was mostly posts about her costume design work. A few candid pictures with EA's siblings and their kids. Christmas, birthdays, a wedding. Just... aggressively normal stuff. It was bizarre, looking in on this family of cheerful strangers with familiar cheekbones. Knowing that, somewhere out there, was an estranged eldest daughter, who had run off years ago to become a fiddle-wielding rockstar – and was now passing them off as having all died a gruesome death, while her fans secretly stalked their family photos. (Because I know you'll be asking in the comments: yes, EA's family is aware. Her mother once posted a picture of young EA and her siblings on Pinterest, sarcastically captioned “After most of us were killed in the fire.” 📝)
Again, it's tempting to discount EA's remark as a metaphor for family estrangement, taken too literally by neurodivergent minors who just didn't understand performance art. Well. First of all, even as a metaphor... let's admit, once again, that that 2000s edginess has aged like fine milk. It's a little crass to make a “metaphor” out of a plausible, life-shattering trauma that other people actually have to live with. (Veronica lost a beloved house to a literal fire 🔍 during her tenure as a Crumpet, for instance; no one died, but that alone seemed pretty rough.)
But, more to the point, evidence suggests that EA also told this to real people in her real, off-stage life – such as her Trisol manager, who backed the claim on the official Asylum Forum in 2007. 📝 When questioned about this post on a renegade forum in 2013, he had this to say:

I was the fool in this case. EA made that up of course. It’s just one thing on a long list of things she made up. Let’s agree she’s very creative with facts if she wants people to believe a story. (...) I once had a short chat with [EA's mom] and I got the strong impression she wasn’t dead at the time. Haha.

(OK, dude, but did you or did you not sell fake EA tickets on a scammy website in 2008? Because we never did get the skinny on that.)
Fifteens years on, EA continues to insist, unprompted, that “the fire” destroyed her childhood drawings and baby pictures. 📝 This more recent Instagram post is like a Greatest Hits of her most notorious yarns, to a degree that's either premeditated trolling or a subconscious call for help. She casually, yet pointedly mentions her age in relation to a specific year... and specifically draws attention to the signature, one that she used well into the Enchant era. In doing so, she made me notice, for the first time, that the A blends into an F. As one could expect from an artsy, Renaissance-obsessed teenager, her OG signature was a freaking monogram for Emily Autumn Fischkopf. It's like “The Tell-Tale Heart” for the digital age! AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?? 🦠

A BIT O' THIS & THAT: MISCELLANEOUS CLAIMS

Just for fun, here are other sundry “citation needed” facts that EA has claimed over the years. All are originally from the book unless sourced otherwise. Some of them may have been jokes, some of them might even be true! Whatever that word still means!

• She suffered near-fatal leukemia at age 2, but miraculously recovered. Doctors were baffled.
• She has perfect pitch and tone-color synesthesia. 🔍
• She also had a photographic memory before Ativan ruined it. That's how she remembers what the sky looked like on the day she came out of the hospital leukemia-free.
• It is well-known and well-established, among the bipolar community, that bipolar people all over the world will regularly and inexplicably wake up at 4 in the morning. 🎵 On the dot. No one knows why, but they do. Doctors are baffled.
• She can play the violin on horseback!
• The traumatic hospital stay happened before Opheliac until it happened after. 🔍 Doctors are time lords.
• TAFWVG “has been cited in text-books used as part of the psychology curriculum at Oxford University in London.” 📝 I would have intuited Oxford University to be in Oxford, but then again, I didn't go to Oxford.

ELECTRIC VIOLIN: UNPLUGGED

You know how whenever a musician starts behaving obnoxiously, old sages will come down from Mount Wisdom to advise disgruntled fans to “simply ignore [behavior]” and “just focus on the music”? Well, in the Asylum, “just focusing on the music” won't always preserve you from EA's shenanigans. This “claim” is a little different, but I've decided to include it because it is so odd, emblematic, and ultimately tragic. I also count it as “biographical”, because it involves a key tenet of EA's character sheet: the violin.
Being a kickass fiddler is one of EA's trademarks, and has always been central to her narrative; as of 2024, “world-class violinist” is still the first claim to fame she lists in the “Story” section of her official website. Which beggars the question: why won't she play it? And why won't she acknowledge that she's not playing it?
We got our hopes up in 2020, with that one post 📝 about her iconic 1885 Gand & Bernardel getting refurbished by a luthier – a thoughtful birthday surprise from her boyfriend – but despite the promising “More to come...” at the end of the caption, that turned out to be a false alarm. In truth, it may well have been over a decade since anyone has witnessed EA draw a single note from her cherished instrument.
The fact that Lord Autumn was able to sneak it out during lockdown without the Lady noticing tends to confirm that she hadn't been playing much behind the scenes. She seems to be under the impression that e-violin manufacturer Zeta is no longer in business (they did close down in 2010 🔍, but reopened under new management in 2012), which suggests that she hasn't been keeping up with the violin scene for a while. Besides, the fingernails don't lie. 🐀
As the live shows veered more theatrical with the release of Opheliac, the extended violin features from the Enchant era were cut to two main appearances per concert: “Face the Wall”, a seven-minute-short, Hendrixesque take on Arcangelo Corelli's “La Folia” – and “Unlaced”, an arpeggio-ed frenzy that was originally paired with a stilt-walking and ballet performance by the Crumpets. These two instrumental tracks remained a fixture on four successive tours. And on four successive tours, “Unlaced” was... well... clearly dubbed. 📺 She was holding her e-violin, her hands were playing the notes, but what was coming out of the speakers was indubitably the studio version.
There were possible explanations, of course. Some sound buffs pointed out that “Unlaced” has multiple violin layers, and that a live violin solo would have sounded harsh and unbalanced over the supporting tracks 🔍 – but then, why pick an unplayable song as a staple of the show?
The violin-miming wasn't even very hush-hush, she didn't try that hard to hide it – it was just never addressed or acknowledged. On “Unlaced”, Veronica was usually summoned to “play” the keyboard – and we knew that was make-believe, they had a whole skit about it. 📺 Ditto when EA would play the intro to a song, then get up from the keyboard as she started singing, and the harpsichord track just kept going. It was part of the theatrics, the suspension of disbelief; live playing just wasn't the focus.
Still, because playing two songs should have been in her wheelhouse, EA's choice to stand on stage and mime along with her own world-class violin skills was puzzling. We knew EA was capable of playing “Unlaced”: “Face the Wall” was proof enough that she could still shred like nobody's business, and some lucky fans got to hear her nerd out about pitch standards and rock some Bach at VIP showcases in 2011 (though it was always the same piece, and reportedly not always on point: “she made beginner mistakes, like weird jaw, wrist, elbow placement and tension...” 🐀). And sure, “Face the Wall” was an intense piece, but... it was one of two in the show. The same two, always. She was supposed to be classically trained...!
As EA's fabrications became more common knowledge among the fanbase, people took increasing issue with this odd staging choice – particularly after “Face the Wall” was retired partway through the 2011 tour, leaving only the pantomime, with nothing else happening on stage to distract from it. 📺 People started fixating on her constant and inexplicable tweaking of the truth. Fake name, fake age, fake promises, and now she was fake-fiddling and making a grand show of it? Was she outright mocking her audience, daring them to call her out? Milking a skill she had grown bored with, in the lowest-effort way possible, knowing that goo-goo-eyed fans would still pay to see it? Playing them the world's saddest song on the world's quietest e-violin?
The release of new album Fight Like a Girl in 2012 did little to soothe the Plague Rats' fiddle blues. The violin was much less prominent on FLAG than it had been on Opheliac and Enchant. There were almost no solos, which provided fewer opportunities for playing or miming on stage. “Unlaced” was retired from the touring setlist. One night in Texas during the 2012 tour, due to being on vocal rest, EA played the melody line of “Liar” on the violin. 📺 And that was pretty much the last time world-class violinist Emilie Autumn was heard playing her instrument, on stage or in recording – to the dismay of many fans who had loved her for it.

Can someone please grab this woman by her hand, lead her across her livingroom/bedroom/study, and point at that lonely forgotten dusty violin in a corner of hers so she remembers that she actually owns it? (🐀)

It was yet another bizarre, glaring inconsistency in EA's narrative that fans seemed expected to ignore. Another elephant in the padded room. (Personal anecdote that I don't have a receipt for: in early 2012, when I asked if there was a possibility of EA playing another baroque set for the VIP events on the upcoming tour, her then-manager responded that that wouldn't be possible because venues didn't have the proper acoustics.)
Through some her posts over the years , attentive fans pieced together the likely truth of EA's effective retirement as a violinist. It's actually quite sad, and may cast a different light on EA's artistic shift.
The 2011 tour was initially scheduled for late 2010. It was postponed because EA had been neglecting a jaw injury for years, and needed emergency surgery to avoid “serious and irreversible damage” to her one violin-holding jaw. 📝 She had the surgery early in September; in late November, she performed all over Latin America for six nights straight, and by January, she was back on tour. The same tour during which she made “beginner's mistakes” on the Bach partita, and retired “Face the Wall” for good after a few shows.
She underwent jaw surgery again in 2018, after three years of orthodontic treatment which she said had “prevented [her] from performing”. It was the first anyone was hearing of this (she said she hadn't been touring because she was writing the musical!), and it's as far as EA ever got in terms of half-addressing the obvious: that after dedicating a third of her time on Earth to her craft, after years of pushing through the pain night after night, rushing through recovery periods, and making compromises so the show could go on... she may not be physically able to play concert-level violin anymore.
Once again, something that should (and would) have elicited empathy and support from most fans turned into a point of frustration, speculation and mockery, for years – because EA continued to favor pretend-play and fantasy over the sobering, unglamorous truth. Well, at least everyone's unhappy.

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

​

Hello! I'm in an ID Master's program, and I've become really interested in creating A.I. driven courses that respond to users as they progress through the lessons. Instead of pushing information and skills out to learners, I want to pull them into the course and have my A.I.-driven back-end customize student pathways with a focus on skill gaps, learner-driven investigations, engagement, and motivation. Does this exist?
I should add that I had a one-on-one demo meeting with someone from Cypher Learning (formerly Neo) today. The tool looks pretty good, but she estimated approx. $9,000 starting cost for 1-500 users. No option to buy or subscribe myself.
Here is my software wish list:
1) AI course creation: If the software has such a well developed back-end, I'm sure it would also have an A.I. course creator. I could provide my course objectives, my preferences, my timeline, my # of modules, my types of assessments, etc., and the A.I. would generate a course that I could review and modify as needed.
2) Content drawn from high-quality materials: I teach college courses, so my courses need to have citations. I want to be able to upload a stack of articles (and maybe a textbook) for the software to draw from. Then, the software would provide citations for information, pictures, videos, etc.
3) A.I. engagement for motivation: The software would ask questions of the user in the beginning to determine ways to engage the learners through individualized non-essential content. For example, if the learner's hobbies include horseback riding, the course might change some non-essential graphics or topics to reference horseback riding.
4) A.I.-driven customized learning pathways: The system would respond to the learner's gaps in knowledge and create fun investigations for the learner. For example, after the initial pre-test, the A.I. might create a scavenger hunt, a flash card game, and a movie for the learner, all based on the learner's gaps and preferred ways of learning. Oh--the system would need to ask learners to identify their favorite ways of learning, too.
5) Imbeded grading: The course would do most of the grading for me, but I would like to review comments created by the A.I. before pushing them out to students. I would also like to easily be able to retrieve grades or use an LTI tool to hook into my university's LMS (Moodle).
6) Single User Purchase or Subscription Option: I won't be able to convince my small college to buy this, so I'll be getting it myself. I'm not even sure I want them to know I'm doing it, so if the software allows me to conceal the name of the software company I used to create it, even better.
Thanks for your ideas!

Hi!
Currently we own a low-end setup for our tv. Based on a Yamaha AVR and the stock speakers, center and subwoofer for 5.1

• AVR: Yamaha HTR-4067
• Speakers Front/Rear: Yamaha NS-B40
• Center: Yamaha NS-C40
• Subwoofer: Yamaha NS-SW40

We are moving soon, we want at least some better looking speakers. The current ones are really ugly, especially because of the glossy black finish.
The AVR needs (6-)8 Ohm speakers. The subwoofer is active. I'm not sure how much power is possible per channel.
Do you have some recommendations for better speakers. (European market)
The color should be white, beige or grey and look modern. We need 2x front, 2x rear, 1x center and an active subwoofer. The budget is at around 1100$ but less would be really appreciated.
We liked the look of the Harman/Kardon Citation lineup, but it’s a soundbar, so no.
We are not extreme audiophiles. 😄
The Set Canton Movie 254 and teufel ultima 20 5.1 looks good, maybe some alternatives?

treasure planet second solar surfing scene start 1:27
vs
spider-man 3 goblin wedding ring fight start 2:33
we are all well aware that spider-man 3 contains homages to a very popular summer 2002 blank check masterpiece, but what about a winter 2002 blank check masterpiece [citation needed]? the change in glider shape to be forward facing with foot pedal controls specifically makes harry's glider more similar to the solar surfer than it is to the original goblin glider
to seal the deal, what does harry say after doing some sick solar surfer obstacle dodging in the alley? "I'm Still Here" which is the incredibly famous iris sound-a-like song from the movie treasure planet!
(im well aware sam raimi probably never took the time to seek out treasure planet after almost certainly missing it in the production rush between spider-man and spider-man 2. but isn't it fun to be reminded of treasure planet?)
edit: i hope somewhere, somehow that emma stefansky feels me treasure planet posting

Hi guys, could you please advise simply which should I choose from below ones (based on my budget). I would like to play PS5, watch movies and listening to music and use it as standalone without sub.
Originally, I wanted (and its still my favorite) HK because I love its design, but I am not sure if is it a good choice. I know that in US is huge discount on it but in my country its still for full price.
​

• Harman Kardon Multibeam Citation 700
• Sonos Beam Gen. 2
• Bose Soundbar 700
• Bose Smart Soundbar 600

All of them are in my country for about the same price (Bose 700 the most expensive (about 640 USD and others cheaper (about 510 USD)).
Thanks a lot in advance!

I recently discovered this interview from the TIME magazine's archive - it's from 1999. It's hard to believe they actually published this in TIME magazine.
It's an interview with the leader of Falun Gong, a Qigong cult from China:
https://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2053761,00.html
Excerpts:

TIME: Why does chaos reign now?
Li: Of course there is not just one reason. The biggest cause of society's change today is that people no longer believe in orthodox religion. They go to church, but they no longer believe in God. They feel free to do anything. The second reason is that since the beginning of this century, aliens have begun to invade the human mind and its ideology and culture.
TIME: Where do they come from?
Li: The aliens come from other planets. The names that I use for these planets are different . Some are from dimensions that human beings have not yet discovered. The key is how they have corrupted mankind. Everyone knows that from the beginning until now, there has never been a development of culture like today. Although it has been several thousand years, it has never been like now.
The aliens have introduced modern machinery like computers and airplanes. They started by teaching mankind about modern science, so people believe more and more science, and spiritually, they are controlled. Everyone thinks that scientists invent on their own when in fact their inspiration is manipulated by the aliens. In terms of culture and spirit, they already control man. Mankind cannot live without science.
The ultimate purpose is to replace humans. If cloning human beings succeeds, the aliens can officially replace humans. Why does a corpse lie dead, even though it is the same as a living body? The difference is the soul, which is the life of the body. If people reproduce a human person, the gods in heaven will not give its body a human soul. The aliens will take that opportunity to replace the human soul and by doing so they will enter earth and become earthlings.
When such people grow up, they will help replace humans with aliens. They will produce more and more clones. There will no longer be humans reproduced by humans. They will act like humans, but they will introduce legislation to stop human reproduction.
TIME: Are you a human being?
Li: You can think of me as a human being.
TIME: Are you from earth?
Li: I don't wish to talk about myself at a higher level. People wouldn't understand it.
TIME: What are the aliens after?
Li: The aliens use many methods to keep people from freeing themselves from manipulation. They make earthlings have wars and conflicts, and develop weapons using science, which makes mankind more dependent on advanced science and technology. In this way, the aliens will be able to introduce their stuff and make the preparations for replacing human beings. The military industry leads other industries such as computers and electronics.
TIME: But what is the alien purpose?
Li: The human body is the most perfect in the universe. It is the most perfect form. The aliens want the human body.
TIME: What do aliens look like?
Li: Some look similar to human beings. U.S. technology has already detected some aliens. The difference between aliens can be quite enormous.
TIME: Can you describe it?
Li: You don't want to have that kind of thought in your mind.
TIME: Describe them anyway.
Li: One type looks like a human, but has a nose that is made of bone. Others look like ghosts. At first they thought that I was trying to help them. Now they now that I am sweeping them away.,
TIME: How do you see the future?
Li: Future human society is quite terrifying. If aliens are not to replace human beings, society will destroy itself on its own. Industry is creating invisible air pollution. The microparticles in the air harm human beings. The abnormality in the climate today is caused by that [pollution], and it cannot be remedied by humans alone. The drinking water is polluted. No matter how we try to purify it, it cannot return to its original purity. Modern science cannot determine the extent of the damage. The food we eat is the product of fertilized soil. The meat we eat is affected. I can foresee a future when human limbs become deformed, the body's joints won't move and internal organs will become dysfunctional. Modern science hasn't realized this yet.

​
It's interesting that he said aliens provided us with science and technology to divert our focus from spirituality. Tolkien said the exact same thing - the rings in the LoTR symbolizes technology. The interview also mentioned Military Industrial Complex as the ones who passed these tech to the commercial sector.
According to him, aliens are here to clone us - because they want to be us. This has been mentioned in some alien abduction cases (read 'Masquerade of Angels' by Karla Turner). Their method of invasion is not war but by slowly becoming us. There seems to be a concealed truth in the movie "Invasion of the body snatchers".

"If aliens are not to replace human beings, society will destroy itself on its own."
"The abnormality in the climate today is caused by that [pollution], and it cannot be remedied by humans alone."

These sentences revealed a lot, if you have read other esoteric materials, you'll know that this "alien invasion" was approved by the so called "galactic federation".
(Even NASA pondered their existence: https://ntrs.nasa.gov/api/citations/19800014518/downloads/19800014518.pdf)
The federation argued that mankind is going to destroyed itself and the planet anyway, so why not replaced humans and save the planet. It's like watching a movie with a twist in the end to find the protagonist to be the bad guy. We humans are the bad guys, they (the aliens) are coming here to replace us and save the planet. There you have it - the truth hurts.
The government is never going to revealed the truth.

Game Information

Game Title: Turbo Kid
Platforms:

• PC (April 9, 2024) (It didn't have enough reviews for a review thread until a few days ago.)

Trailers:

• Turbo Kid - Announcement Teaser Trailer
  
• Turbo Kid - Official Trailer
  
• Turbo Kid - Official Release Date Trailer
  

Developer: Outerminds Inc.
Publisher: Outerminds Inc.
Review Aggregator:
Metacritic – 84% - 5 Critic Reviews

Critic Reviews

Movies Games and Tech - 90%

It’s super fun, relaxing, at times stressful but at the end of the day super entertaining and rewarding. I give it a 9/10. The only real issue was that the game was so good that the story couldn’t keep me compelled enough to pay attention. But it barely caused any problems to my overall enjoyment! "

God is a Geek - 85%

Turbo Kid is a Metroidvania where you can summon a bike at the push of a button, and that is absolutely as cool as it sounds."

LevelUp - 82%

Turbo Kid is a fantastic metroidvania that gives the player a lot of freedom and choice. It presents a lot of great ideas, references and moments, and it has a lot of replay value that makes the experience totally worth it."

The Games Machine - 81%

Turbo Kid could have played dirty and stuffed in an endless barrage of citations for their own sake without caring too much about the content, sure to win over a large audience of nostalgic gamers anyway. Instead, it has been created with a genuine love for the metroidvania genre, adding to the typical skills such as jumping, crouching and climbing, also a large set of stunts typical of the BMX world, with a level design that takes full advantage of them. The result is interesting and successfully distracts from a look that has been seen many times before and from a main quest that adds nothing new."

Vandal - 80%

Turbo Kid blends nostalgia with fresh mechanics in this outstanding metroidvania, offering a post-apocalyptic world filled with engaging challenges and memorable characters. Its synthwave soundtrack and diverse gameplay, including bike riding and intense combat, make it a standout experience. However, its old-school save system may frustrate some players, but overall, Turbo Kid delivers a compelling adventure that captures the essence of the cult film it's based on."

Many of us face difficulties while writing research papers and may not know where to start. In today's guide, I'll share with you a step-by-step approach to help you write a perfect research paper. This comprehensive guide is based on my own experience during my grad school days and aims to provide you with practical tips and strategies for success. So, let's dive in!
1. Topic Selection & Research
Start by selecting a topic, but keep it broad initially. It's easier to find research to support a thesis rather than the other way around. Find two reputable articles or books related to your topic. Use scholarly resources like scholar.google.com. No need to overwhelm yourself with numerous sources; just focus on finding as many articles as those two reference in their bibliography/works cited. This way, much of the groundwork is already done for you.
2. Highlighting Relevant Information
Read through your chosen articles and highlight every sentence that relates to your topic, no matter how loosely. If you encounter quotes from other articles, delve into the referenced articles for additional insights. Don't worry about lengthy articles; focus on relevant content.
3. Organization & Planning
Type up all the highlighted quotes and add citations as you go. Group the quotes based on emerging patterns such as vague/specific, contradictory, or by themes like music, literature, or movies. Create bullet points for each group, focusing on capturing the essence rather than making it sound polished at this stage.
4. Outline & Drafting
Under each quote, add brief notes on why it's important. If you have more than three quotes for a topic, consider subdividing them for clarity. Summarize each section with a simple conclusion outlining your findings. Then, rewrite your bullet points into coherent sentences. Each main point becomes a new paragraph, combining everything into cohesive paragraphs.
5. Crafting Engaging Intro & Conclusion
Write a captivating introduction, starting with a vague statement and ending with a specific one to lead into your paper. Your conclusion should mirror this pattern, starting with a specific sentence and ending vaguely to leave the reader with something to ponder. You can also take help from Blainy for editing purposes.
6. Example
For instance, let's consider the topic "The Influence of Blue." Begin the intro with a statement like, "The color blue captivates with its timeless allure, permeating various aspects of life." Follow up with paragraphs exploring its significance in pop culture, business, and beyond. Conclude by emphasizing blue's dominance across different fields.
In conclusion, whether it's in music, literature, home goods, or cars, blue reigns supreme, evoking emotions and enriching experiences. Its pervasive presence underscores its status as the quintessential color, inspiring joy and contentment.

This post is part of a series of reviews. To see them all, click here.
Historical information found on Shannon O'Sullivan's Doctor Who website (relevant page here and the TARDIS Wiki (relevant page here)). Primary/secondary source material can be found in the source sections of O'Sullivan's website, and rarely as inline citations on the TARDIS Wiki.

Serial Information

• Episodes: Season 18, Episodes 1-4
• Airdates: 30th August - 20th September 1980
• Doctor: 4th
• Companions: K-9 (Episode 1, V/A: John Leeson), Romana II
• Writer: David Fisher
• Director: Lovett Bickford
• Producer: John Nathan-Turner
• Script Editor: Christopher H. Bidmead

Review

We must have missed the usual channels…as usual. – The Doctor
So here we are. The beginning of the final producer era of Doctor Who's original 26 season run. Of course, calling this part of the same era as Survival is a bit silly, but nonetheless our final Producer, and by far the most controversial (mostly because barely anyone has heard of John Wiles), John Nathan-Turner has arrived. And with him…a really refreshing change of pace.
The Leisure Hive began its life as a script while Douglas Adams was still producer. And the original script would have had a lot of elements that would have felt right at home in Season 17. The original plan was a sort of parody of mafia/gangster movies, similar to how City of Death started its life as a David Fisher script that was a sort of parody of detective novels. However, JNT, along with his new Script Editor Christopher H. Bidmead, were aiming for a more serious sci-fi tone for the new season and the two of them gradually removed all of the parody elements in the revision process with Fisher. What's left is a much more straightforwards Doctor Who story that, in what is something of a novelty for the 4th Doctor era, doesn't have any clear inspirations in its final form.
And I think Leisure Hive is better for it. While by no means an extraordinary story, Leisure Hive does manage to get a lot right by keeping things focused on the actual plot. Argolis is in the fallout from a devastating war with the Fomasi (that's an anagram of "mafiosa", because gangsters). The end result is that the Argolins have been rendered sterile. The last generations live their days out, having turned the lone habitation dome on Argolis into a tourist destination, a monument to both their advances in the sciences of tachyonics and the ideals of peace. That last point was down to David Fisher both wanting to do a bit of commentary on England's declining tourism industry and his having read some articles in the New Scientist magazine about tachyons. Honestly the tourism angle is probably the least interesting part of the story, even though it's where the story gets its name. It's just such a minor plot detail that occasionally forces the story to go "oh by the way, the guests are all panicking" every now and then.
That aside, I think the setting does work quite well. The dread of a population apparently consigned to dying out by the end of a generation is felt strongly. The anger at the Fomasi is an undercurrent throughout. And those tachyonics experiments really let the the special effects crew show off their stuff without hitting against what is practical. Mind you, I'm not sure exactly what tachyonics is within the story. Obviously it has something to do with time, as it is based around tachyons, and there is a lot of talk the makes it clear that time travel ideas are at the core of the science, but how that leads to an individual getting their arms legs and head pulled off their torso…I'm not entirely sure. Still, if you're willing to go with "tachyonics does whatever the plot says it does", it's a good time.
It does take a while for things to get into gear. This story is a bit of a slow burn, especially with episode 1 taking its time actually getting to the main plot. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. In fact, I tend to like slow burn stories (for example, I absolutely love War Games). The issue that I take is that it feels a little hard in the first couple of episodes to get a sense of why anything that is going on matters. Still, the advantages of a slow burn are still present here. Because we take more time getting set up, the world of Argolis feels more complete. The past horrors of the war they've survived feels more real.
And because it takes a while for the plot to get going, it gets a while until we realize that Pangol is our main villain. The youngest Argolin on the planet, Pangol turns out to be a regressive, longing for the heroic past of Argolis that lead them into war. Xenophobic in the extreme, even though he runs the demonstrations of tachyonics for the visitors, Pangol is actually a really good skewering of a fascist.
That being said, his actual plan is bonkers. So tachyonics can create clones (just go with it), and he's the first successful child of the machine (whether he's a clone of anyone is unclear, again, go with it). The moment when we realize this is actually pretty well-timed, or at least it was for me. I recall my first time rewatching the story in several years just starting to wonder, "wait, if all of the Argolins are supposed to have been born before the war, how is it that Pangol looks so young" when Pangol revealed the truth in a scene perfectly performed by David Haig. In fact, Haig's whole performance is excellent, perfectly embodying the regressive angry young man he represents. He then, and this is the bonkers part, plans to create dozens of clones of himself to repopulate the planet and lead Argolis back into war, only stopped because the Doctor manages to reprogram the Tachyonic Recreation Generator to generate clones of the Doctor. The clones don't last long, fortunately (which, admittedly, suggests that Pangol's big plan was always doomed to failure).
Before Pangol takes over it looks like the Fomasi, Argolis' enemies in the last war, will be the villains. A human banker named Brock, who's been investing in the Argolis "Leisure Hive" shows up and starts trying to strongarm the Fomasi into selling Argolis to the Fomasi. We see a Fomasi lurking outside the protective dome. And later it becomes clear that the Fomasi trying to buy the planet aren't members of the government – they're a criminal sect called the West Lodge (there's another remnant of the mafia plot leaking through). Except, as it turns out, the Fomasi lurking outside the dome was actually a government investigator who was there to arrest a member of the West Lodge…who disguised himself as Brock. If all that sounds convoluted it actually plays out pretty well on screen, with Brock very much coming off the sleazy businessman before he's revealed to actually be a sleazy criminal businessman in a skinsuit. Neither the investigator nor the fake Brock get any meaningful character moments, but I thought they worked reasonably well as, essentially, decoy villains.
The rest of the guest cast are a smattering of fairly basic but solid enough characters. There's a subplot involving human scientist Hardin who was invited by Mena, one of the Argolins, to work with Tachyonics and his assistant Stimson. Hardin has been convinced by Stimson to fake his results, as they're certain that they can solve the problems they're encountering eventually. While Hardin comes off somewhat sympathetic (perhaps too sympathetic for someone committing academic fraud and dangling false hope in front of the Argolins), Stimson feels a lot shadier. The dynamic works, until Stimson is killed to frame the Doctor for murder. Mena, along with Morix, are the leaders of the Argolins (technically when Morix dies of old age the role passes along to Mena) and they come off as sympathetic in how they deal with the difficulties of the Argolin's people. As well, the way that old age hits Argolins suddenly, and little bits drop off them is quite effective.
As for the main cast…well things get a little weird here. First of all, we should mention that in the opening scene K-9 explodes when he goes into the water after Romana, frustrated, throws a beach ball in the water to get rid of him. The Doctor somehow manages to sleep through all of this by the way. Aside from the silliness in this opening scene of an otherwise fairly serious story (seriously, how is K-9 that vulnerable to water?) this does represent a pretty big shift in Doctor Who's philosophy. New Producer John Nathan-Turner and new Script Editor Christopher Bidmead wanted to move away from the lighter tone of the Williams era, and saw K-9 as a representative of the kiddier tone that era took. In addition, Nathan-Turner felt that the trio of the Doctor, Romana and K-9 were a bit too capable, that because all three of them were essentially geniuses in their own right, it was unnecessarily difficult to create a feeling of genuine threat. As a result K-9's profile was greatly reduced while he was still in the show this season.
And then there's Romana and the Doctor. Tom Baker and Lalla Ward's relationship, while not the smoothest at times, provided a sense of genuine chemistry throughout Season 17. But around the time Leisure Hive was filmed they had broken up, and Baker was trying to get back together with Ward. The end result was that at this time Ward and Baker were not talking to each other. And it does show. Not all the time, but Ward and Baker don't have the same chemistry that they did last season in this story.
Which is a shame because, individually, Ward and Baker are putting in some strong work built on pretty strong material. Romana continues to show off an increased willingness to be proactive, particularly shining as she works directly with Hardin to create the effect he'd been faking to that point. The two develop a genuinely enjoyable working relationship, in spite of the circumstances. Outside of that she's not as active as she was in the final few stories of Season 17, but still has a number of good moments. Lalla Ward is still putting in a strong performance as well, even if the chemistry with her costar is no longer what it was.
And the same could be said for Tom Baker as the Doctor. You'll read that Baker was a bit unhappy with the return to more serious material, but you wouldn't necessarily know it from this story. You'll also read that he took ill during filming, but he still manages to keep the energy up. Granted this is not a reversion to his Hinchcliffe era performance. He's still comes off a lot more relaxed than he was in those stories, and is cracking more jokes than he would have at the time. Oh and he also spends a good portion of the story in surprisingly solid old age makeup, because the Tachyonic Recreation Generator ages him several hundred years (again, go with it, although this seems like one of the less silly uses of tachyonics in the story). He then creates the aforementioned several dozen clones of himself and no, I don't have the same problem with this that I did in Invisible Enemy, mainly because I'm not entirely sure what the "clones" are really supposed to be and what their relationship with the Doctor is.
As a final note, John Nathan-Turner did more than just change the tone of the show, he made changes to pretty much every superficial element of the show. In the "Stray Observations" section below I go into more details on my thoughts on the Doctor's new outfit and the new title sequence and theme (short version, not a huge fan of any of them), but there's still more changes. Dudley Simpson, who'd been composing all of the incidental music for the show since Terror of the Zygons was let go by Nathan-Turner, who instead decided to go back to the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, with a rotating group of composers (Peter Howell in this case). The result is a return to more electronic incidental music, though by this time we're talking about a heavy reliance on actual synthesizers, rather than the more elaborate techniques used in the 1960s. The new musical style takes a while to get used to, but it does work quite well for Doctor Who. Also, and only in this story, there's some odd transition effects used for a couple scenes, not dissimilar to Star Wars' scene transitions (I kind of suspect that's where the idea came from), though these don't return in future stories.
The Leisure Hive starts Season 18, and John Nathan-Turner's lengthy run as producer, off to a good start. It's a bit oddly paced, and while the secondary cast was solid they could have used a little more depth, but the story and worldbuilding make for an engaging time.
Score: 7/10

Stray Observations

• This was, of course, John Nathan-Turner's and Christopher H. Bidmead's first story as Producer and Script Editor respectively. JNT would stick around until the end of the Classic Series, but Bidmead would leave after the end of the season.
• This was the debut of a new fiberglass TARDIS prop, designed to be closer in look to actual police boxes.
• This was also the first Doctor Who story to ever have an Executive Producer. Former Doctor Who producer Barry Letts returned to the show under the Executive Producer label. The idea for an executive producer came from Grame MacDonald. During his time as BBC's Head of Serials, MacDonald had always tried to keep a close eye on Doctor Who, but the Serials department had just been merged with the Series department, and MacDonald would no longer be able to be so active in the show, and wanted Letts to keep an eye on it for him. For what it's worth, Letts has always insisted he tried not to interfere with John Nathan-Turner and his team.
• John Leeson returns as K-9. He had left after growing tired of the part and only returned because JNT promised him the character would be written out of the show. That being said, Leeson had gotten so good at doing the K-9 voice by this point that he no longer needed to use the vocal modulater he'd used back in Season 15.
• For the first time ever, ITV tried to directly compete with Doctor Who by placing a science fiction show, the American Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, in the same timeslot as Doctor Who beginning with The Leisure Hive. This is generally agreed to have contributed to Season 18's relatively poor ratings, including dropping out of the top 100 television programs for the week of episode 3 for the first time ever.
• Production on The Leisure Hive went severely over budget and behind schedule, and Director Lovett Bickford was never brought back to work on Doctor Who again as a result.
• Writer David Fisher was unhappy with cuts made to the story, which caused individual episodes to run short, and would never work on Doctor Who again.
• So we start off with some big changes. The title sequence, theme music and logo are all entirely different and I…do not really care for any of them. Beginning with the title sequence, I can at least understand the decisions that were made here. John Nathan-Turner felt that the prior title sequences, especially the time tunnel one used to that point in the 4th Doctor era, felt too claustrophobic, and wanted to create something that would feel more open. And, this title sequence does exactly that. Thing is, I've just never especially cared for the "starfield" title sequences. It's hard to explain, but I just feel like they don't do a very good job representing the show. For a space adventure show, Doctor Who has very few shots of or in space. I've always preferred the more abstract or time vortex title sequences, that feel a bit weirder and more disorienting, as Doctor Who is often a very weird and disorienting show. That being said, the "Doctor face constellation" is a neat idea, though in this specific case, poorly implemented. I cannot fathom what made them choose one of the worst pictures of Tom Baker to slap in the opening title sequence.
• Next the theme music. It's by far the change that I have the least problem with. Though Delia Derbyshire's arrangement remains a classic, I can definitely see that, by 1980, it would have felt very out of date. The new arrangement, by Peter Howell, is perfectly fine, but it's by far the most generic-sounding of all of the themes, at least in retrospect. At the time, I'm sure it seemed like a wild shift for the show, but looking back on all of the versions of the theme, it's the one that has made the least of an impression on me.
• Finally, that logo. I do not like "neon tube" Doctor Who logo at all. It is very of the times, but it has always felt too campy for my tastes.
• So the Doctor's revised outfit. Tom Baker had gone through a number of different variations on the same basic outfit throughout his tenure, but JNT wanted a refresh. Tom Baker apparently suggested that the outfit might change entirely, presumably throwing out the iconic scarf, coat and hat look, but ultimately the decision was made by Costume Designer June Hudson to keep the same basic outfit. The big change was that the outfit was now entirely burgundy, coat, hat and even the scarf. The outfit…is too much of one color. I don't hate it, but earlier versions of the outfit definitely allowed each design element to shine a bit more. As it is the scarf and hat kind of blend together. Oh and for the first time the Doctor has question mark lapels. The question mark thing is going to stick around through the rest of the classic era, as JNT seems to have particularly liked it. I don't have a problem with this, as goofy as it might be.
• Apparently the idea was thrown around that Romana might have her own outfit that she'd stick in through the rest of her stories. Lalla Ward rejected the idea, as she liked having a say in her costume and having various outfits. However the idea of each companion having a set outfit, or "uniform" as JNT liked to think of it, is something that would eventually become the norm on the show under Nathan-Turner.
• Romana mentions that the Doctor bypassed the TARDIS randomizer to attempt to arrive at the opening of the Brighton Pavilion. They arrived in the "right place, wrong time".
• The end of episode 1 cliffhanger is one of the best Doctor Who cliffhangers ever. The Doctor apparently walks into the Tachyon Recreation Generator, and suddenly his limbs and head are split off from his body as we zoom in on his screaming face.
• In episode 3, the Doctor causes an Argolin scientist to go into shock (as in, he has a physical reaction) by writing down warp mechanics on the side of the TARDIS in chalk. So I have a lot of questions, but for now I'll just point out that the chalk…didn't actually make any marks on the TARDIS.
• In episode 4, after the arrest of the false Brock (the leader of the West Lodge), the Doctor declares "you don't cross your bridges before they're hatched. This sort of mangling of two common sayings into one will eventually, albeit briefly, become a signature of the 7th Doctor's.
• At the end of the story The Doctor leaves the TARDIS randomizer behind, dismissing the threat of the Black Guardian. I'm sure this will have no long-term consequences whatsoever.

Two Years of This Nonsense

So this post marks the 2 year anniversary of me forcing my opinions on the unsuspecting denizens of gallifrey. This review series, which takes up an amount of my spare time I'm genuinely ashamed to admit to, has grown a lot in that time. By which I mean, of course, that the posts have gotten far longer and more pretentious.
In all seriousness, I love doing this, mostly because it gives me a reason to rewatch Classic Who, something which I don't necessarily do as much as the revival because…there's just so much of it, and each story takes at least 2 hours to get through (for the most part). I enjoy the serial format, to be clear, it's just a significantly greater time commitment.
I've gotten on a reasonably consistent schedule over the past year, mostly by getting a bit ahead (I've already written my review for State of Decay, for reference). This means that I've gone from having gotten through The Mind Robber this time last year – the tail end of the 2nd Doctor era – to being near the end of the 4th Doctor era now. It also means I have a reasonable sense of what's to come in the future. If all goes well, I should be wrapping up the Classic Series around the end of the year. As in this calendar year. As surreal as it is to even be thinking about the end of Classic Who…it's coming, and faster than I'm willing to deal with. Of course the plan is, and has always been, to continue on after that.
As always, thank you to those who read, comment, and so on. I hope you've enjoyed reading my ramblings. I know I've enjoyed writing them.
Next Time: Cactus man, cactus man, does whatever a cactus can

I have the Harman Kardon Citation Multibeam 1100 for several months now and I love it. And if not for this issue with the surround speakers it would be total perfection in my book. Here's the deal.
No issues with the soundbar itself at all, works flawlessly. But randomly the surround speakers cut off. When I turn on the soundbar and thus the surrounds power on as well I can hear the very soft noise/static coming from them, that's fine. And then for no reason at all I hear both of them cutting off, so for like one second the noise/static is gone. So if I'm watching a movie, a helicopter scene happens and I hear it behind me, that sound will be gone for a second when the cut off happens. Then for like a minute (sometimes way more frequent) it will be fine again. There have been times that it was just unusable, it would cut off every 5 seconds or so.
I tried it with soundbar connected to Internet via ethernet cable, and also without, no difference. The extremely odd thing is, it can work flawlessly for weeks or even months but then out of the blue the issue appears again. I don't get what's causing it. If someone does know the fix I will be eternally grateful to you, that would be amazing. It's my one and only issue with this setup. Firmware info is:
MB1100 - 23.09.51.81.01 Surround L - 6.2152.2 Surround R - 6.2152.2

Hi guys,
How long does it take for u to gather ur literature review? And how do u manage and store the info?
I’m doing my undergrad thesis and I have my final call from my professor or I might have to drop it. Initially, I read some 22 articles while taking hand written notes on a book but that book has been replaced so I’m reading and starting from scratch. I’ve got 4 days to finish it, basically by Sunday or Monday at the utter max.
Any effective ways to do so? Particularly how do u manage the lit review, now I’ve learnt my lesson and am just copying pasting chunks of info into a file under the intext citation of the articles and so on for each of the articles. Is there any other effective way of doing it?
Also, how do I quickly read and scan papers?
Tryna write the intro and lit review til Monday. (Pls don’t disheart)

Hi guys,
How long does it take for u to gather ur literature review? And how do u manage and store the info?
I’m doing my thesis and I have my final call from my professor or I might have to drop it. Initially, I read some 22 articles while taking hand written notes on a book but that book has been replaced so I’m reading and starting from scratch. I’ve got 4 days to finish it, basically by Sunday or Monday at the utter max.
Any effective ways to do so? Particularly how do u manage the lit review, now I’ve learnt my lesson and am just copying pasting chunks of info into a file under the intext citation of the articles and so on for each of the articles. Is there any other effective way of doing it?
Also, how do I quickly read and scan papers?
Tryna write the intro and lit review til Monday.

I've spent the better part of my day trying to track down any copy of The Land of Skulls (2021), a documentary about the Rwanda Genocide, to no avail. I came across the documentary from this Wikipedia page on films about the genocide, where it's mentioned with only a link to it's IMDb page as its citation. The IMDb page has one review from a year ago from a user in a similar situation as me.
The AVClub page for the film links to what seems to be a 9-second trailer for the movie which appears to be hosted on someone's personal YT account and has no description or links of any kind. This is the only video about the movie I've found on YouTube.
Several sources online say that the film was released on Netflix around December of 2021. The IMDb user review above mentions this, as does the URL for this now-deleted Forbes News World article (the webpage is archived but the content is not loading for me when I try to access it through Archive.org). Dispite having apparently been available on a major streaming service, I cannot find the film anywhere. The Bomberpedia discription for the movie implies that the movie was released on YouTube, but I haven't found proof of this yet.
Descriptions of the movie are vague. Some say that the film is just about the Rwanda Genocide, like this page for the film from EverybodyWiki

The narrative uncovers the tales of Rwandan massacre casualties, that were left powerless for the 100 days of the conflict. 

Other descriptions mention the film discussing France's involvement in the genocide, like the description on the film's IMDb page which is linked above.