Megapost: A list of statements, press releases, and other sources reporting and expressing concern and criticism about Israel's war in Gaza and related aspects of the war. (Part 4)

Notes: This is a work that is currently in progress; please check back for updates. Titles have been edited to provide details.
Part 1 is here: https://www.reddit.com/Social_Democracy/comments/1clx1uc/megapost_a_list_of_statements_press_releases_and/
Part 2 is here: https://www.reddit.com/Social_Democracy/comments/1cmjhpk/megapost_a_list_of_statements_press_releases_and/
Part 3 is here: https://www.reddit.com/Social_Democracy/comments/1coups2/megapost_a_list_of_statements_press_releases_and/
Australian Council of Trade Unions (ACTU) Statement on Gaza (April 22, 2024): https://www.actu.org.au/media-release/actu-statement-on-gaza/
'Collective punishment' of Palestinians unacceptable, says Ireland [Michael Martin, Foreign Minister of Ireland: "We believe that the response has been fully disproportionate and has also been, in our view, a breach of humanitarian law in terms of the destruction of Gaza and also in terms of the killing of civilians, innocent men, women and children"] (April 22, 2024): https://www.aa.com.ten/middle-east/collective-punishment-of-palestinians-unacceptable-says-ireland/3198702
Israel has yet to provide evidence of Unrwa staff terrorist links, Colonna report says: Exclusive: review finds government yet to substantiate claims UN relief agency staff have ties to Hamas or Islamic Jihad (April 22, 2024): https://www.theguardian.com/world/2024/ap22/israel-unrwa-staff-terrorist-links-yet-to-provide-evidence-colonna-report
NEWS: Bernie Sanders Statement on Amendment Votes on National Security Supplemental (April 22, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-statement-on-amendment-votes-on-national-security-supplemental/
NEWS: Bernie Sanders Statement on ‘Dark Day’ in U.S. Senate (April 23, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-statement-on-dark-day-in-u-s-senate/
PREPARED REMARKS: Senator Bernie Sanders on Ending Unfettered Military Aid to Israel and Restoring UNRWA Funding (April 23, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/prepared-remarks-sanders-on-ending-unfettered-military-aid-to-israel-and-restoring-unrwa-funding/
Senator Jeff Merkley: Netanyahu’s War Campaign at Odds with American Values (April 23, 2024): https://www.merkley.senate.gov/merkley-netanyahus-war-campaign-at-odds-with-american-values/
Stephen Tillett: As a Christian minister, I cannot remain silent any longer about Israeli-Palestinian conflict (April 23, 2024): https://www.capitalgazette.com/2024/04/23/stephen-tillett-as-a-christian-minister-i-cannot-remain-silent-any-longer-about-israeli-palestinian-conflict-commentary/
AIPAC Spent Millions to Take Down the Squad. The Working Families Party Is Fighting Back. (April 24, 2024): https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2024/04/aipac-is-spent-millions-to-take-down-the-squad-the-working-families-party-is-fighting-back/
GOP House Speaker Mike Johnson defends Israel when Erin Burnett asks about children dying ‘at Israel’s hands’ (April 24, 2024): https://www.cnn.com/2024/04/24/politics/video/house-speaker-mike-johnson-protests-columbia-university-israel-hamas-war-ebof-digvid
Pro-Palestinian student protests have been largely peaceful. Right-wing media want to call in the National Guard. (April 25, 2024): https://www.mediamatters.org/fox-news/pro-palestinian-student-protests-have-been-largely-peaceful-right-wing-media-want-call
Save the Children International: GAZA STAFF ACCOUNT: The Reality of the Humanitarian Catastrophe (April 25, 2024): https://www.savethechildren.net/blog/gaza-staff-account-reality-humanitarian-catastrophe
Bishops, delegates join rally sponsored by United Methodist Kairos Response for Palestine (April 26, 2024): https://www.umnews.org/en/news/bishops-delegates-join-rally-for-palestine
‘I stand on the side of the oppressed, whoever they are’: Interview with Palestinian-Ukrainian activist Adib Shaheen (April 26, 2024): https://links.org.au/i-stand-side-oppressed-whoever-they-are-interview-palestinian-ukrainian-activist-adib-shaheen
NBC News investigation reveals Israel strikes on Gaza areas it said were safe: NBC News found Palestinians were killed in seven deadly airstrikes in areas of southern Gaza that the Israeli military had explicitly designated as safe zones. (April 26, 2024): https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/palestinians-killed-israeli-strikes-safe-zones-exclusive-nbc-report-rcna148008
Refugee Council of Australia: Our Letter to the Prime Minister regarding the Israel and Gaza Crisis (April 26, 2024): https://www.refugeecouncil.org.au/letter-israel-and-gaza-crisis/
Statement in solidarity with student protests for Gaza [Signed by: 350.org US; 18 Million Rising; 198 methods; Adalah Justice Project; Addameer Prisoner Support and Human Rights Association; AF3IRM; Afghans For A Better Tomorrow; Al-Haq; Alliance of Baptists; American Baptist Churches USA; American Baptist Churches Palestine Israel Network; American Friends Service Committee; American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (ADC); American Muslim Bar Association; American Muslim Community Foundation; American Muslims for Palestine (AMP); Americans for Justice in Palestine Action (AJP Action); Arab American Civic Council; Arab American Institute; Asian American Advocacy Fund; Better to Speak; Beyt Tikkun: A Synagogue without Walls; Black Lives of Unitarian Universalism (BLUU); Blue Future; Borderlands for Equity; Borderlands Resource Initiative; Breach Collective; Brooklyn For Peace; CAIR Action; CAIR California; CAIR Minnesota; CAIR Oklahoma; CAIR-WA; California Coalition for Women Prisoners; Cameroon American Council; Carceral Tech Resistance Network; Ceasefire Democrats; Ceasefire Now NJ; Center for Constitutional Rights; Center for Popular Democracy Action; Center for Protest Law & Litigation @ Partnership for Civil Justice Fund; Chicago Area Peace Action; Chicago Faith Coalition on Middle East Policy; Christians for a Free Palestine; Civic Ark; Civil Liberties Defense Center; Clockshop; CommonDefense.us; Communities United for Status & Protection (CUSP); Council on American-Islamic Relations; CWA-News Guild Local 38010; Defending Rights & Dissent; Delaware Democratic Socialists of America; Delawareans for Palestinian Human Rights; Detention Watch Network; Disciples Palestine Israel Network; Diverse & Revolutionary Unitarian Universalist Multicultural Ministries (DRUUMM); Doctors Against Genocide; Dream Defenders; Dutch Scholars for Palestine; Eindhoven Students 4 Palestine; Emgage Action; En Conjunto; Episcopal Peace Fellowship-Palestine Israel Network; Faith for Black Lives; Faith in Texas; Fellowship of Reconciliation; Fight for the Future; For All; Freedom Farm Community; Freedom Oklahoma; Freedom To Thrive; Friends of Sabeel North America (FOSNA); Future Coalition; Gen-Z for Change; Gender Justice Action and Gender Justice; Get Free; Global Campaign to Reclaim People's Sovereignty, Dismantle Corporate Power & Stop Impunity; Green Mountain Solidarity With Palestine; Green New Deal Network; Greenpeace USA; Hawai'i for Palestine; Health Justice Commons; Helena (Montana) Service for Peace and Justice; Highlander Research and Education Center; Hindus for Human Rights; Historians for Peace and Democracy; Human Dignity Project (THDP); IfNotNow Movement; IfNotNow New Jersey; Immigrant Defense Project; Immigrant Justice Network; Immigrants Act Now; Indian American Muslim Council (IAMC); Indiana Center for Middle East Peace; Institute for Policy Studies New Internationalism Project; Interfaith Ceasefire; International Jewish Anti-Zionist Network; International Mayan League; InterReligious Task Force on Central America; Iowans For Palestine; Islamic Society of North America (ISNA); Islamophobia Studies Center; Israel/Palestine Mission Network of the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.); Jewish Voice for Peace; Jewish Voice for Peace-Hawai’i; Jews For Racial & Economic Justice (JFREJ); Just Foreign Policy; Justice Democrats; Just Futures Law; Justice for All; Kairos USA; Libyan American Alliance; LittleSis / Public Accountability Initiative; Living Water Inclusive Catholic Community; Long Island Progressive Coalition; Make the Road Nevada; Malaya Georgia; Massachusetts Peace Action; Mennonite Action; Mennonite Action WA; Migrant Roots Media; Minnesota Peace Project; Mondoweiss; Movement for Black Lives; MPower Change Action Fund; MSA West; Muslim Advocates; Muslim Community Network; Muslim Counterpublics Lab; Muslim Power Building Project; Muslims for Just Futures; Muslims for Progressive Values; National Arab American Women’s Association (NAAWA); National Domestic Workers Alliance Staff Union, CWA Local 1180; National Iranian American Council; National Lawyers Guild; National Lawyers Guild - St. Louis Chapter; National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights (NNIRR); National Partnership for New Americans; New Hampshire Veterans for Peace; New York City Veterans For Peace; The New Justice Project Minnesota; NH Peace Action; North American Students of Cooperation; No Separate Justice; North Carolina Peace Action; The Oakland Institute; Office of Peace, Justice, and Ecological Integrity/Sisters of Charity of Saint Elizabeth; Our Revolution; Palestine American League; Palestine Legal; Palestinian American Community Center; Palestinian American Organizations Network (PAON); Palestinian Feminist Collective; Partners for Palestine; Pax Christi New Jersey; Pax Christi New York State; Pax Christi Pacific Northwest; Pax Christi USA; Peace Action; Peace Action New York State; Peace, Justice, Sustainability NOW!; Pediatricians for Palestine; People’s Action; PeoplesHub; Poverty Project at the Institute for Policy Studies; Presbyterian Church (USA), Office of Public Witness; Presbyterian Peace Fellowship; Progressive Democrats of America (PDA); Project ANAR; Project South; Rachel Corrie Foundation for Peace and Justice; Reparation Education Project; Reviving the Islamic Sisterhood for Empowerment; Rise for Palestine; Rising Majority; Rising Tide North America; Rochester Committee on Latin America; RootsAction Education Fund; Sabeel Ecumenical Liberation Theology Centre; Sacramento Regional Coalition for Palestinian Rights; Sound Vision; Starr King School for the Ministry; Students and Faculty for Justice in Palestine at the University of Hawai’i (SFJP); Sunrise Movement; Sur Legal Collaborative; TakeAction Minnesota; Tech Justice Law Project; The Gathering for Justice; The Hague Peace Projects; The Social Justice Center; The Uncommitted National Movement; The Whatcom Peace and Justice Center; Transnational Institute; UndocuBlack Network; Unitarian Universalist Association; Unitarian Universalist Church of the Larger Fellowship; Unitarian Universalist College of Social Justice; Unitarian Universalist Justice Ministry of North Carolina; Unitarian Universalist Mass Action; Unitarian Universalist Peace Ministry Network; Unitarian Universalist Service Committee; Unitarian Universalist Young Adults for Climate Justice (UUYACJ); Unitarian Universalists for Justice in the Middle East; United Church of Christ Palestine Israel Network; United Methodists for Kairos Response (UMKR); United Voices for America; Until Freedom; US Campaign for Palestinian Rights; Veterans For Peace; We Are All America; Wellstone Democratic Renewal Club; Wind of the Spirit Immigrant Resource Center; Women's Institute for Freedom of the Press; Working Families Party; World BEYOND War; Young Democrats of America Black Caucus; Young Democrats of America Environmental Caucus; Youth Leadership Institute] (April 26-29, 2024): https://www.mpowerchange.org/gazastudentprotests & https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdhlWqDQghbVaPb6K7coBoi0o3w1YDfmrPOSbUw5bqNKEnrhg/viewform
Tom Hurwitz: I was arrested protesting at Columbia in ’68. Today’s student encampments carry on a proud, brave tradition: Like the Vietnam War was nearly six decades ago, to many students, Israel’s assault on Gaza feels deeply personal (April 26, 2024): https://forward.com/opinion/607021/columbia-1968-protests-vietnam-gaza-wa
‘We demand an immediate ceasefire in Gaza’ – First Minister of Northern Ireland Michelle O’Neill tells major London demo (April 27, 2024): https://vote.sinnfein.ie/we-demand-an-immediate-ceasefire-in-gaza-oneill-tells-major-london-demo/
Nineteen American Sociological Association Presidents Endorse the Resolution for Justice in Palestine (April 28, 2024): https://www.sociologistsforpalestine.org & https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t-z9OTPbl5JB9_sKnFOqAl-bQV78qZ-SFvjjjMrPUgY/
Robert Reich, former U.S. Secretary of Labor under Bill Clinton: Brief thoughts on the wave of campus protests across America (April 28, 2024): https://robertreich.substack.com/p/my-thoughts-on-the-wave-of-campus
We’re Jewish students at Columbia arrested for protesting Israel’s war (April 28, 2024): https://thehill.com/opinion/education/4626720-were-jewish-students-at-columbia-arrested-for-protesting-israels-wa
American Association of University Professors: In Defense of the Right to Free Speech and Peaceful Protest on University Campuses (April 29, 2024): https://www.aaup.org/media-release/defense-right-free-speech-and-peaceful-protest-university-campuses
Anat Saragusti: Israeli media’s inevitable hysteria over U.S. campus protests: The media’s unbending self-censorship in covering Gaza has made Israelis incapable of seeing foreign criticism as anything other than antisemitism. (April 29, 2024): https://www.972mag.com/campus-protests-gaza-us-students/
Attorneys inside and outside the administration urge Biden to cut off arms to Israel: So far more than 90 lawyers have signed on to a legal letter alleging Israel’s conduct in Gaza violates U.S. and international law. (April 29, 2024): https://www.politico.com/news/2024/04/29/lawyers-israel-arm-sales-biden-00154958
Lemkin Institute for Genocide Prevention: Statement in Support of Students, Faulty at Columbia University (April 29, 2024): https://www.lemkininstitute.com/statements-new-page/statement-in-support-of-students%2C-faulty-at-columbia-university
Mary Lawlor, UN Special Rapporteur on Human Rights Defenders: "I'm hearing disturbing reports that students face suspension if they don’t end their peaceful protests in #Columbiauniversity in the USA. This is a clear violation of their right to peaceful assembly" (April 29, 2024): https://twitter.com/MaryLawlorhrds/status/1785020792197038101
Cas Mudde: Why are US campuses facing an orgy of state repression in the ‘land of the free’? The right has painted nonviolent protests against the war on Gaza as hotbeds of ‘woke’ terrorism. It’s a pretext for repression (April 30, 2024): https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/ap30/us-campus-peace-protests-overreaction-gaza
Joint letter to President Biden on humanitarian risk of Rafah operation in Gaza [Signed by: 350.org; ActionAid USA; Alliance of Baptists; American Friends of Combatants for Peace; American Friends Service Committee; Americares; Amnesty International USA; CARE; Charity & Security Network; Children in Conflict; Christian Aid; Churches for Middle East Peace (CMEP); Center for American Progress; Center for Civilians in Conflict; Center for International Policy; Church World Service; DAWN; Demand Progress Education Fund; Evangelical Lutheran Church in America; Humanity & Inclusion; IM Swedish Development Partners; Indivisible; Islamic Relief USA; Islamic Relief Worldwide; KinderUSA; Maryknoll Office for Global Concerns; MedGlobal; Médecins du Monde / Doctors of the World International Network; Mennonite Central Committee; Middle East Democracy Center; Minnesota Peace Project; MoveOn; Nonviolent Peaceforce; Norwegian Refugee Council USA; Oxfam America; Pax Christi USA; Premiere Urgence Internationale; Presbyterian Church (USA), Office of Public Witness; Refugees International; Save the Children US; SEIU; The Episcopal Church; The Tahrir Institute for Middle East Policy (TIMEP); The United Methodist Church – General Board of Church and Society; Truman Center; Vento di Terra; Win Without War] (April 30, 2024): https://www.nrc.no/news/2024/may/joint-letter-to-president-biden-on-potential-incursion-into-rafah-gaza/
Latino students are key part of pro-Palestine encampment protests (April 30, 2024): https://www.axios.com/2024/04/30/college-encampments-ceasefire-gaza-latino-students
Michael Gould-Wartofsky: Trump Is Wrong. Columbia Isn’t Anything Like Charlottesville: I survived the deadly violence in Charlottesville, and am now a postdoctoral research scholar at Columbia University. To compare the two is unwarranted—and unconscionable. (April 30, 2024): https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-is-wrong-columbia-isnt-anything-like-charlottesville
United Church of Christ Officers issue statement amid ongoing unrest on college campuses; offer continued solidarity with partners and people in the Middle East (April 30, 2024): https://www.ucc.org/ucc-officers-issue-statement-amid-ongoing-unrest-on-college-campuses/
United States of America: UN Human Rights Chief troubled by law enforcement actions against protesters at universities (April 30, 2024): https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2024/04/united-states-america-un-human-rights-chief-troubled-law-enforcement-actions
A Statement From Jewish Faculty, Staff, Students, and Alumni Regarding Indiana University's Treatment of Student Protesters ["Actions are being taken in our name, without our consent or request. Such actions, especially those by the administration, often directly contradict the facts we see daily on the ground at campus. We condemn the actions taken by the administration, ISP, and IUPD against the students protesting on Dunn Meadow."] (May 1, 2024): https://bloomingtonian.com/2024/05/01/a-statement-from-jewish-faculty-staff-students-and-alumni-regarding-iustreatment-of-student-protesters/
Charles H.F. Davis III, Jude Paul Dizon, Jessica Hatrick, and Vanessa Miller: Police Repression Is the Problem, Not the Solution (May 1, 2024): https://www.insidehighered.com/opinion/views/2024/05/01/police-repression-problem-not-solution-opinion
Comment from United Auto Workers President Shawn Fain on Mass Arrests of Anti-War Protestors (May 1, 2024): https://uaw.org/comment-from-uaw-president-shawn-fain-on-mass-arrests-of-anti-war-protestors/
Fellowship of Reconciliation Stands in Solidarity with the Students (May 1, 2024): https://forusa.org/fellowship-of-reconciliation-stands-in-solidarity-with-the-students/
Juan González, Veteran of '68 Columbia Strike, Condemns University Leaders' Silence on Gaza Slaughter (May 1, 2024): https://www.democracynow.org/2024/5/1/police_raid_columbia_2024_juan_gonzalez
Mike Littwin: As a veteran of the ’60s campus unrest, I know the value of free speech: Despite what you may hear, most of today’s campus demonstrations, including the one at Auraria, are typically nonviolent. (May 1, 2024): https://coloradosun.com/2024/05/01/israel-gaza-student-demonstrations-opinion-littwin/
On Gaza, NY Catholic Worker community echoes Pope Francis: 'Please! Stop the war.' (May 1, 2024): https://www.ncronline.org/opinion/guest-voices/gaza-ny-catholic-worker-community-echoes-pope-francis-please-stop-war
Senator Bernie Sanders: The billionaires who fund AIPAC are not only concerned about protecting Israel's actions in Gaza — they also want to protect corporate interests. That's why they are targeting progressive lawmakers who stand up for the working class and take on powerful special interests. (May 1, 2024): https://twitter.com/BernieSanders/status/1785684580265074707
Syriac Maronite Archbishops denounce military escalation in southern Lebanon, condemn Israeli actions in Gaza and West Bank (May 1, 2024): https://syriacpress.com/blog/2024/01/05/syriac-maronite-archbishops-denounce-military-escalation-in-southern-lebanon-condemn-israeli-actions-in-gaza-and-west-bank/
The Democratic National Committee's College Democrats of America Slams Biden On Gaza And Backs Campus Protesters (May 1, 2024): https://www.huffpost.com/entry/college-democrats-of-america-statement-biden-gaza-campus-protest_n_663278fce4b0849b2edded55
Tope Folarin, director of the Institute for Policy Studies: We Stand with the Students Protesting the Slaughter in Gaza (May 1, 2024): https://ips-dc.org/we-stand-with-the-students-protesting-the-slaughter-in-gaza/
'You are our hope': Palestinian students find strength in U.S. campus protests: “I feel proud that there is a group of students who feel what we feel now — and are helping and supporting us,” said Reem Musa Suleiman Abu Shinar, speaking to an NBC News crew in the city of Rafah in southern Gaza. (May 1, 2024): https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/palestinian-students-support-us-campus-protests-israel-war-rcna149296
Bernie Sanders in CNN interview: 'This may be Biden’s Vietnam' (May 2, 2024): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6rQmvko18M
Catholic Relief Services representative for Gaza fears possible Rafah invasion (May 2, 2024): https://www.ncronline.org/news/catholic-relief-services-rep-gaza-fears-possible-rafah-invasion
‘Disgrace to diplomacy’: Bosnia accuses Israeli diplomat of genocide denial: Envoy to Serbia draws intense criticism for telling Russian media that calling 1995 Srebrenica massacre a genocide ‘diminishes the importance of that term’ (May 2, 2024): https://www.timesofisrael.com/disgrace-to-diplomacy-bosnia-accuses-israeli-diplomat-of-genocide-denial/
Gazans thank US university protesters as Israel calls for students to be expelled (May 2, 2024): https://www.cnn.com/2024/05/01/middleeast/gaza-children-thank-us-protesters-intl-latam/index.html
Helen Benedict, professor of journalism at Columbia University: ‘US student protests seeking peace in Gaza are the new anti-Vietnam War movement’ (May 2, 2024): https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/us-student-protests-seeking-peace-in-gaza-are-the-new-anti-vietnam-war-movement/articleshow/109766893.cms
Hundreds of U.S. Catholic leaders and laity sign letter urging Permanent Gaza Ceasefire and End to Injustice in Israel and Palestine (May 2, 2024): https://cmep.salsalabs.org/ps-may22024 & https://docs.google.com/document/d/16K1RvL3YdSgSChwO_eWB9iSvIglNP59ahqtAQ1aZiGM/
PREPARED REMARKS: Senator Bernie Sanders on the Nationwide Student Protests and the Ongoing Humanitarian Disaster in Gaza (May 2, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/prepared-remarks-sanders-on-the-nationwide-student-protests-and-the-ongoing-humanitarian-disaster-in-gaza/
Recalling Civil Rights Era Abuses, Legal Defense Fund of the NAACP Roundly Condemns Rising Violations Against Peaceful Protesters and Calls for Immediate Federal Intervention ["Today, the Legal Defense Fund (LDF) issued a statement roundly and unequivocally condemning the rising civil and human rights violations against peaceful protesters across the U.S. and issued a letter calling for the Department of Justice (DOJ) to conduct an immediate investigation into the treatment of peaceful protesters" (May 2, 2024): https://www.naacpldf.org/press-release/recalling-civil-rights-era-abuses-ldf-roundly-condemns-rising-violations-against-peaceful-protesters-and-calls-for-immediate-federal-intervention/
United Nations Development Programme: As war in Gaza enters seventh month, 1.74 million more Palestinians will be pushed into poverty across State of Palestine according to United Nations assessment: UNDP and ESCWA estimate more than two-decades reversal in human development— beyond earliest recorded levels of 2004. (May 2, 2024): https://www.undp.org/papp/press-releases/war-gaza-enters-seventh-month-174-million-more-palestinians-will-be-pushed-poverty-across-state-palestine-according-united
“Workers Have Power”: Thousands Rally in NYC for May Day, Call for Solidarity with Palestine (May 2, 2024): https://www.democracynow.org/2024/5/2/nyc_may_day_rally_palestine_solidarity
A Message to the Protesters From Reverend Jesse L. Jackson, Sr.: A call to keep raising the tempests on campus over the Gazan horror. (May 3, 2024): https://chicagomaroon.com/42811/viewpoints/op-ed/a-message-to-the-protesters-from-reverend-jesse-l-jackson-s
Association of Flight Attendants President Sara Nelson on Mass Arrest of Anti-War Protestors (May 3, 2024): https://www.afacwa.org/mass_arrest_right_to_protest
Rashid Khalidi, Professor of Arab Studies at Columbia University: Opposed to Genocide in Gaza, This Is the Conscience of a Nation Speaking Through Your Kids (May 3, 2024): https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/rashid-khalidi-columbia-gaza-speech
“This Militaristic Approach Has Been a Failure”: Meet Hala Rharrit, First U.S. Diplomat to Quit over Gaza (May 3, 2024): https://www.democracynow.org/2024/5/3/state_dept
Where pro-Palestinian university protests are happening around the world (May 3, 2024): https://www.cnn.com/2024/05/03/world/pro-palestinian-university-protests-worldwide-intl-hnk/index.html
100-year-old Jewish activist Jules Rabin is speaking up again — this time about Gaza [In a podcast on the nonprofit news site VT Digger, Rabin referred to the tragedy unfolding in Gaza as “a piecemeal Holocaust.”] (May 4, 2024): https://forward.com/culture/609442/jules-rabin-vermont-activism-gaza-ukraine-israel/
Israel will not agree to end the war with Hamas as part of any deal [“Israel will under no circumstances agree to the end of the war as part of an agreement to release our abductees," an Israeli official told ABC News on Saturday morning. "As the political echelon decided, the IDF will enter Rafah and destroy the remaining Hamas battalions there - whether or not there will be a temporary ceasefire for the release of our hostages."] (May 4, 2024): https://abcnews.go.com/International/live-updates/israel-hamas-cease-fire-talks/israel-will-not-agree-to-end-the-war-with-hamas-as-part-of-any-deal-109924741?id=109734705
Roseann "Chic" Canfora survived the 1970 Kent State shooting. Here's her message to student activists (May 4, 2024): https://www.npr.org/2024/05/04/1249023924/kent-state-shooting-activists-protests-survivor
‘They’re sending a message’: harsh police tactics questioned amid US campus protest crackdowns (May 4, 2024): https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/may/04/police-tactics-us-campus-protest-crackdowns
Anton Boonzaier: As a South African during apartheid, I admire pro-Palestine protesters’ tenacity (May 5, 2024): https://dailybruin.com/2024/05/05/op-ed-as-a-south-african-during-apartheid-i-admire-pro-palestine-protesters-tenacity
Committee to Protect Journalists condemns Israeli vote to shut down Al Jazeera; warns of alarming precedent (May 5, 2024): https://cpj.org/2024/05/cpj-condemns-israeli-vote-to-shut-down-al-jazeera-warns-of-alarming-precedent/
Union workers join students in rallies Saturday calling for a permanent ceasefire in Gaza [More than 200 people attended the Maine Labor for Palestine and Maine Students for Palestine rally.] (May 5, 2024): https://www.mainepublic.org/news/2024-05-05/union-workers-join-students-in-rallies-saturday-to-free-gaza
Oxfam reaction to Rafah evacuation order (May 6, 2024): https://www.oxfam.org/en/press-releases/oxfam-reaction-rafah-evacuation-order
Patrick Gaspard, president of the Center for American Progress: American politicians forget: disruption and disorder are the point of protests: I have trespassed in peaceful protest. I have shut down government offices in civil disobedience. I have made the powerful uncomfortable. That’s the point (May 6, 2024): https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/article/2024/may/06/campus-pro-palestinian-protests
Save the Children warns of deadly consequences for children following new relocation orders for families in Rafah (May 6, 2024): https://www.savethechildren.net/news/save-children-warns-deadly-consequences-children-following-new-relocation-orders-families-rafah
The campus protesters for Gaza are making America great again: Readers on the demonstrations sweeping colleges and their hopes for the next generation. (May 6, 2024): https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/05/06/campus-protests-gaza-palestine-vietnam/
United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF): There is ‘nowhere safe to go’ for the 600,000 children of Rafah, warns UNICEF: With hundreds of thousands of children in Rafah injured, sick, malnourished, traumatized or living with a disability, UNICEF calls for children to not be forcibly relocated, and the vital infrastructure on which children rely to be protected (May 6, 2024): https://www.unicef.org/press-releases/there-nowhere-safe-go-600000-children-rafah-warns-unicef
US campus protests of Israeli ‘genocide’ offer hope to students from Gaza (May 6, 2024): https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2024/5/6/us-student-protests-of-israeli-genocide-offer-hope-to-students-from-gaza
Brant Rosen: We Tried to Bring Food Into Gaza—but Israel Blocked and Arrested Us: As Israel continues to starve the people of Gaza, a delegation of rabbis marched toward the Erez Crossing during Passover carrying sacks of flour and demanding a cease-fire. (May 6, 2024): https://www.thenation.com/article/world/rabbis-arrested-for-bringing-food-gaza/
Catholic Workers Movement: After Arrests, Students Renew Call for Notre Dame to Follow Catholic Teaching on War, Investments (May 6, 2024): https://catholicworker.org/after-arrests-students-renew-call-for-notre-dame-to-follow-catholic-teaching-on-war-investments/
Hala Rharrit, former State Department official: Biden’s militaristic policy in Gaza is a failure — diplomacy is the solution (May 6, 2024): https://thehill.com/opinion/white-house/4646237-biden-gaza-militaristic-policy-failure/
750+ Jewish Students Affirm Support for Pro-Palestine Campus Protests [In Response to Biden’s Speech, 750+ Jewish Students on 140+ Campuses Stand Against Israel's Rafah Invasion, Urge Jewish Institutional Action to Halt Gaza Assault] (May 7, 2024): https://www.commondreams.org/news/jewish-students-support-gaza & https://mailchi.mp/israelpalestinecomms/jstudents
American Friends Service Committee: T­h­e C­o­m­p­a­n­i­e­s P­r­o­f­i­t­i­n­g f­r­o­m I­s­r­a­e­l­’­s 2­0­2­3­-­2­0­2­4 A­t­t­a­c­k­s o­n G­a­z­a (Updated on May 7, 2024): https://afsc.org/gaza-genocide-companies
‘I am leaving for the unknown.’ Palestinians fleeing Rafah describe their fear and despair (May 7, 2024): https://www.cnn.com/2024/05/06/middleeast/palestinians-flee-rafah-gaza-fear-despair-intl-hnk/index.html
Kenneth Roth: Biden Should Not Stand in the Way of the ICC (May 7, 2024): https://foreignpolicy.com/2024/05/07/biden-israel-hamas-icc-gaza-netanyahu-arrest/
Labour Party of Ireland Eurocandidate for Ireland South, Niamh Hourigan: European Union leaders must push for ceasefire in Gaza (May 7, 2024): https://labour.ie/news/2024/05/07/eu-leaders-must-push-for-ceasefire-in-gaza/
Labour Party of Ireland Further and Higher Education Spokesperson Senator Annie Hoey: Solidarity with Trinity College Dublin and University College Cork Students protest for Gaza (May 7, 2024): https://labour.ie/news/2024/05/07/solidarity-with-trinity-and-ucc-students-protest-for-gaza/
Letter by Ch. Lt Col (Ret.) Stephen Tillett to the Editor: Veteran Calls for Ceasefire in Gaza (May 7, 2024): https://baltimorepostexaminer.com/letter-to-the-editor-veteran-calls-for-ceasefire-in-gaza/2024/05/07
Three Orange County medics describe wartime health care in Gaza: A once-modern string of hospitals has been reduced to desperate physicians and others relying on wits and luck. Most of their patients are children. (May 7, 2024): https://www.ocregister.com/2024/05/07/three-orange-county-medics-describe-wartime-health-care-in-gaza/
ACLU’s national director of policy and government affairs Mike Zamore and ACLU senior policy counsel Kia Hamadanchy: A disturbing national security bill could silence nonprofits and college protests (May 8, 2024): https://thehill.com/opinion/national-security/4651053-a-disturbing-national-security-bill-could-silence-nonprofits-and-college-protests/
Al Jazeera shutdown in Israel spells 'dark day for democracy,' say media groups (May 8, 2024): https://www.voanews.com/a/al-jazeera-shutdown-in-israel-spells-dark-day-for-democracy-say-media-groups/7603956.html
Blinken Says Israeli Units Accused of Serious Violations Have Done Enough to Avoid Sanctions. Experts and Insiders Disagree. (May 8, 2024): https://www.propublica.org/article/blinken-israel-military-aid-human-rights-violations-leahy-law
Jeremy Brecher: Anti-Genocide Students Are Fulfilling Their Duty to Prevent War Crimes; Will You? (May 8, 2024): https://www.commondreams.org/opinion/students-prevent-war-crimes
Senator Bernie Sanders Statement on Biden’s Hold on Bomb Delivery to Netanyahu’s Government (May 8, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-statement-on-bidens-hold-on-bomb-delivery-to-netanyahus-government/
The NYPD’s New Sizzle Reels Aren’t Just Dumb. They’re Dangerous. “This is copaganda, designed primarily to provide the mayor with political cover, but then also to show off the military might and alleged professionalism of the NYPD.” (May 8, 2024): https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2024/05/nypd-sizzle-reel-student-protests/
Haim Bresheeth-Žabner deplores the rot in Israeli society: 'Israel has turned into a Nazi society': The son of Holocaust survivors, Haim Bresheeth-Žabner believes the majority of Israel has been taught to normalise the occupation of Palestine (May 9, 2024): https://www.newarab.com/features/son-shoah-survivors-israel-has-become-nazi-society
‘It’s not human’: What a French doctor saw in Gaza as Israel invaded Rafah: When asked about the conditions of the hospitals he worked in, Dr. Zouhair Lahna is pained by the memories of the sick, wounded and dying. (May 9, 2024): https://www.aljazeera.com/features/2024/5/9/its-not-human-what-a-french-doctor-saw-in-gaza-as-israel-invaded-rafah
Japanese American Citizens League Calls for Ceasefire in Gaza (May 9, 2024): https://jacl.org/statements/jacl-calls-for-ceasefire-in-gaza
Republicans Funded by Arms Industry Fume Over Biden Threat to Withhold Bombs From Israel (May 9, 2024): https://www.commondreams.org/news/republicans-israel-weapons
Senator Bernie Sanders Statement on Israel’s Threat to Attack Rafah (May 9, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-statement-on-israels-threat-to-attack-rafah/
Students against genocide speak for themselves (May 9, 2024): https://newsandletters.org/students-against-genocide-speak-for-themselves/
Trapped in Rafah, I'm watching genocide unfold before my eyes: Gazan journalist Amjad Yaghi's eye-witness account in Rafah describes the horrors of Israel's ground invasion as Gazans desperately try to flee to safety. (May 9, 2024): https://www.newarab.com/opinion/trapped-rafah-im-witnessing-genocide-my-own-eyes
76 Universities in Spain Suspend Ties With Complicit Israeli Universities (May 10, 2024): https://bdsmovement.net/news/76-universities-spain-suspend-ties-with-complicit-israeli-universities
Armed Conflict Location and Event Data Project: US Student Pro-Palestine Demonstrations Remain Overwhelmingly Peaceful (May 10, 2024): https://acleddata.com/2024/05/10/us-student-pro-palestine-demonstrations-remain-overwhelmingly-peaceful-acled-brief/
Biden’s arms threat to Israel ‘better than nothing’ but too late, say U.S. officials who resigned over Gaza policy (May 10, 2024): https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/bidens-arms-threat-israel-better-nothing-late-say-us-officials-resigne-rcna151454
Israel’s genocidal war in Gaza must end’ – Sinn Féin Chairperson Declan Kearney tells Global Anti-Apartheid Conference on Palestine (May 10, 2024): https://vote.sinnfein.ie/israels-genocidal-war-in-gaza-must-end-kearney-tells-global-anti-apartheid-conference-on-palestine/
Rick Salutin: I protested at Columbia in 1968 and today’s campus protests give me hope (May 10, 2024): https://www.thestar.com/opinion/contributors/i-protested-at-columbia-in-1968-and-todays-campus-protests-give-me-hope/article_a505c180-0e32-11ef-9615-e3f88eb6e034.html
Right-wing media encourage invasion of Rafah, Biden impeachment: After the Israeli military seized a key border crossing for humanitarian aid into Gaza, Biden’s statement urging restraint from Israel was met with backlash from right-wing media figures (May 10, 2024): https://www.mediamatters.org/middle-east/right-wing-media-encourage-invasion-rafah-biden-impeachment
Senator Bernie Sanders Statement on Rafah (May 10, 2024): https://www.sanders.senate.gov/press-releases/news-sanders-statement-on-rafah/
Strapped down, blindfolded, held in diapers: Israeli whistleblowers detail abuse of Palestinians in shadowy detention center (May 10, 2024): https://www.cnn.com/2024/05/10/middleeast/israel-sde-teiman-detention-whistleblowers-intl-cmd/index.html
U.S. medical volunteers in Rafah hospital say they've never seen a worse health crisis (May 10, 2024): https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2024/05/10/1250490688/rafa-hospital-gaza-israel-war-middle-east
Pro-Israel website ramps up attacks on pro-Palestinian student protesters (May 11, 2024): https://www.reuters.com/world/name-shame-pro-israel-website-ramps-up-attacks-pro-palestinian-student-2024-05-11/
Sen. Lindsey Graham says Israel should do 'whatever' it has to while comparing the war in Gaza to Hiroshima and Nagasaki: The GOP senator compared Israel’s military operations to the U.S. dropping atomic bombs on Japan in World War II, saying, “Israel, do whatever you have to do.” (May 12, 2024): https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/sen-lindsey-graham-says-israel-whatever-comparing-war-gaza-hiroshima-n-rcna151828
Gazans strive to study as war shatters education system (May 13, 2024): https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/gazans-strive-study-war-shatters-education-system-2024-05-13/
‘Total outrage’: White House condemns Israeli settlers’ attack on Gaza aid trucks: Protesters block convoy, throw food into road and set fire to vehicles at Tarqumiya checkpoint near Hebron (May 13, 2024): https://www.theguardian.com/world/article/2024/may/13/total-outrage-white-house-condemns-israeli-settlers-attack-on-gaza-aid-convoy
Trump Wants to Deport Pro-Palestine Protesters—and GOP Lawmakers Are Filing Bills to Make It Happen: Republicans continue their push to punish dissent. (May 13, 2024): https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2024/05/trump-protesters-gop-marco-rubio-palestine-college-deport/
U.S. Army Officer Resigns From Defense Intelligence Agency Over Gaza Policy: Maj. Harrison Mann's letter criticized the U.S. for still supporting Israel, "which has enabled and empowered the killing and starvation" of Palestinians. (May 13, 2024): https://www.huffpost.com/entry/army-officer-resigns-defense-intelligence-agency-military-gaza-israel_n_664281dde4b04540de6e8c69
Columbia-Affiliated Union Theological Seminary Votes to Divest from Israel’s War on Gaza (May 14, 2024): https://www.democracynow.org/2024/5/14/serene_jones_union_theological_seminary
Palestinians mark 76 years of dispossession as a potentially even larger catastrophe unfolds in Gaza (May 14, 2024): https://apnews.com/article/israel-palestinians-hamas-war-nakba-history-b5cea9556e516655c25598d5dbe54192

This week’s vintage batch of Italian and French pens from my own collection might be the largest bunch of Wet Noodles I’ve ever offered! Nibs range from Superflex to Wet Noodle with more than half of the pens being the latter. As you can see, my collecting focus was pens with white metal trim, which all 9 pens have. Some uncommon models here, especially if you’re in the US. As always, all are fully restored and ready to write.
 
ALBUM & TIMESTAMP
 
Pastable link: https://imgur.com/a/qzjdJeU
 
Condition (n.b.): All pens listed below have been disassembled, cleaned and restored with new sacs/seals installed in the last couple months. Each of these pens is guaranteed to fill and write as designed without leaks or other problems. Nibs have been adjusted when necessary to ensure that all lay down a smooth and consistent line.
THESE PENS HAVE NO CRACKS, CHIPS, PERSONALIZATIONS, LOOSE OR MISSING PARTS, BENT NIBS, MISALIGNED TINES, BROKEN/WORN OFF TIPPING, OR THREADING ISSUES.
 
Line Widths and Writing Samples: To provide buyers with as much information as possible, I have started to adopt the following line width standards: XXF (.1-.2mm); XF (approx .3mm); F (approx .4mm); M (approx .6mm); B (approx .8mm). Nib flexibility is determined by variation (max line width under pressure) and softness (amount of pressure). Flexibility designations based on variation generally run as follows for an XF/F nib: Semi-Flex (approx. 1mm); Flex (1.2-1.9mm); Superflex (>2mm). All line width measurements are taken with a digital caliper but should be considered approximations providing a general guide. Width may vary slightly depending on type of ink and paper used as well as amount of pressure applied. All writing samples are on Rhodia dot paper using Waterman Serenity Blue.
 
 
1. 1930s-40s Montegrappa Extra (green marble w/ lizard skin window, celluloid, NPT, piston filler, SS F/M Flex/Superflex nib). This full-sized model measures 5 1/16” capped. Founded c.1912 in Bassano del Grappa, Italy by Edwige Hoffman and Heinrich Helm, Montegrappa (née Elmo) was one of the Big Four Italian makers whose products have had a profound impact on FP design to this day. The Extra was the premier model of the late-1930s and 1940s. This pen has the white metal trim and factory stainless steel nib that distinguish wartime pens in Italy during the restriction on precious metals to aid the war effort. Not a common pen to see Stateside. It’s a piston filler made of green marble celluloid with an eye-catching, transparent, lizard-skin-patterned window in the barrel for viewing ink-level. To fill simply rotate the filler-knob on the end of the barrel counter-clockwise to extend the piston, submerse the nib, then rotate the filler-knob clockwise to draw ink. To quote an Italian collector over at FPN: “Rule No. 1 about vintage Italian pens: Don't let steel nibs scare you off. Unless you're writing with hydrochloric acid, they're every bit as good as the gold nibs from the years before the gold ban.” The stainless steel Montegrappa Extra #4 nib in this pen is no exception, yielding Super-Flexible variation with Flexible softness. It lays down a smooth and consistent F/M line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.0mm) under moderate pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). A nib with particularly juicy flow that’s reliable over its full range of flex, making it a great choice for boldly shaded writing and calligraphic writing styles. Condition: excellent [B]. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no notable flaws aside from a bit of plating wear to the cap bands on one side of the cap (see timestamp photo). Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes aside from some fine scratches on the plastic between and below the cap bands. Barrel transparency is superb (DETAIL PHOTO). Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is deep and fully legible. Feed is missing a couple fins from one side, which has no discernible effect on writing performance (see DETAIL PHOTO LEFT). This pen's filling mechanism was restored in the last couple years but does have a little quirk in filling I haven’t been able to diagnose. It fills near to factory capacity smoothly with no leaks, but one must be careful to avoid extending the piston all the way down to the bottom of the ink-view window. If extended all the way down, the bottom part of the piston loses connection with the top part, requiring the section to be unscrewed to help the piston back up with a pencil eraser while turning the knob. This is a straightforward process but annoying, so I’ve always chosen to fill to just 90% of factory capacity to avoid it. A scarce pen in a striking color pattern. Price: $320 $290
 
2. 1930s-40s Montegrappa Extra (green swirl w/ lined window, celluloid, NPT, piston filler, SS XF Wet Noodle nib). This full-sized model measures 5 1/16” capped. For more on Montegrappa and the Extra, see description of pen #1 above. This pen has white metal, wartime trim and nib, but it retains the elegant roller-clip distinctive of Italian pens of the 1930s – so likely late-1930s production. It’s another piston filler made of celluloid in an interesting, green swirl pattern with a transparent, lined window in the barrel for viewing ink level. To quote an Italian collector over at FPN: “Rule No. 1 about vintage Italian pens: Don't let steel nibs scare you off. Unless you're writing with hydrochloric acid, they're every bit as good as the gold nibs from the years before the gold ban.” The stainless steel Montegrappa Extra #4 nib in this pen epitomizes this statement, being a Wet Noodle with variation and softness comparable to that of a dip pen nib. It lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.3mm) under minimal pressure. Thin hairlines, astonishingly responsive snap-back that rivals the 14k dip pen nib in pen #5 below, and reliable flow over its full range of flex makes it an ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian (see WRITING SAMPLE). Condition: excellent [B]. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no notable flaws aside from a bit of plating wear to the cap bands on the same side of the cap as pen #1 above (see timestamp photo). Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Barrel transparency is excellent apart from a ring of staining (DETAIL PHOTO). Filling system restored with new cork in the last couple years - operation can be a tad stiff if it hasn't been used in a while so I recommend storage filled with water. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is deep and fully legible. Price: $370 SOLD
 
3. c.1940 Aurora Selene (brown web, celluloid, NPT, button filler, Platiridio XF Wet Noodle nib). This is an oversized pen by vintage standards, having a thick girth and measuring 5 3/16” capped. Counded in 1919 by Isaia Levi and located in Turin, Italy, Aurora remains one of the most celebrated Italian makers. Introduced in 1940 amid Axis restrictions on precious metals, the Selene was their wartime button-filler and was marketed as “the pen for everyone.” In 1943 the Aurora factory was bombed by the Allies, perhaps contributing to this model’s short span of production. This example is made of celluloid in a fetching brown shell color pattern evocative of the 2nd-gen Eversharp Doric. Nickel plated clip and early-style cap bands with wider center band. One historically interesting detail of this pen is that its barrel bears the subtle heatstamped personalization of Lancia, the famous Italian auto manufacturer (see timestamp photo). To fill the pen, simply unscrew the blind cap, submerse the nib, and depress the metal button once (DETAIL PHOTO). This big pen has a strong fill and holds a lot of ink. As if the 2 pens above weren’t evidence enough of the quality of Italian steel nibs, the Aurora Platiridio #5 in this pen takes the cake. Not only is it a Wet Noodle with softness and flow rivaling that of a dip pen nib, but it’s capable of one of the widest max line widths I’ve ever measured. It lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to an incredible 5B? (approx 2.8mm!) under minimal pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Even so, it retains a superbly responsive snap-back that gives one precise control over the line under any amount of pressure. That and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it another ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian. Note that due to the considerable space between the tines of this nib at full flex, Waterman Serenity Blue had trouble keeping the surface tension but my trusty Omas Grey solved the problem entirely, producing flawlessly reliable lines under full flex. So some experimentation with wetter inks might be in order. Condition: excellent+ [B+] assuming you take the “Lancia” marking as an interesting mark of historical provenance as opposed to a flaw. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no brassing or other notable flaws. ). Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Manufacturer imprint on the section is deep and fully legible. Price: $420 SOLD
 
4. 1930s-40s Astura Nova (grey pearl snakeskin, celluloid, NPT, lever filler, 14k XF Superflex/Wet Noodle nib). This full-sized model measures 5 1/16” capped. Astura pens were made by S.A.F.I.S., a company in Turin (fd. 1926) that would come to be one of the most influential Italian pen makers of the early half of the twentieth century (MORE INFO). They’re best known for producing pens of considerably high quality such as Radius and The King. And this Astura follows suit. It’s made of celluloid in a particularly bold and pearlescent snakeskin pattern, complemented by nickel plated trim. 14k Warranted #3 nib yields Super-flexible variation with softness verging on that of a Wet Noodle. It lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.2mm) under very light pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Thin hairlines, superbly responsive snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it another excellent choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian. Condition: fine [C]. Nickel-plated trim shows some brassing to the clip and some of the lower cap band, which has been factored into the price. Nib has a mark on one tine that's merely cosmetic, having no effect on durability or performance. Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is deep and fully legible. Another beautiful Italian pen and another lovely writer. Price: $280 SOLD
 
5. 1930s-40s Novo Retrofit (green moss, celluloid, NPT, button filler, 14k XXF Needlepoint Wet Noodle nib). This full-sized model measures 4 7/8” capped. The only maker’s mark on this pen is a barrel imprint that reads “Novo.” But I haven’t been able to determine whether that’s a make or a model or anything about it, for that matter. It’s clearly Italian, of a quality similar to the Montegrappas and Aurora above, probably originating from one of those conglomerates that collaborated with some of the major Italian makers. In fact, the clip of this pen is identical to that of pen #2. This pen is made of celluloid in an unusual, moss green color pattern with flashes of a brighter green. Nickel-plated trim with elegant roller-clip. This pen is a button filler. To fill the pen, simply unscrew the blind cap, submerse the nib, and depress the metal button once. This pen came to me nibless but with a very narrow section, so I equipped it with a smaller, 14k, iridium-tipped Aikin Lambert dip pen nib - adjusted and tuned to match factory performance. That nib is a Wet Noodle with killer snap-back. It lays down a smooth and consistent XXF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.1mm) under minimal pressure (probably the softest nib of the batch) (see WRITING SAMPLE). Needlepoint hairlines, effortless variation, surgically precise snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it another ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles. Condition: excellent+ [B+]. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no brassing or other notable flaws aside from perhaps a sliver or two of high-point wear on the apex of the faceted clip. Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is deep and fully legible. Price: $270 SOLD
 
6. 1930s-40s Edacoto 02 Retrofit (coral grey pearl, celluloid, NPT, button filler, 14k XXF Needlepoint Wet Noodle nib). This is a larger Edacoto model, having a thicker girth than standard and measuring 5 1/16” capped. Edacoto (née Edac) was French maker based in Paris from 1922 to the mid-1960s. Edacotos are well-made pens known for their unusual color patterns and distinctive waterfall clip design. This one is a case in point, being made in a grey pearl celluloid with a quasi-psychedelic color pattern resembling chatoyant coral that seems to shift when the pen is turned under light. This model’s size, filling system, and trim configuration situates it near the top of Edacoto’s lineup. It is a button filler. To fill the pen, simply unscrew the blind cap, submerse the nib, and depress the metal button once. It’s equipped with one of my dip pen nib retrofits: a large, 14k, iridium tipped E.S. Johnson that’s been adjusted and tuned to match factory performance. That nib is another Wet Noodle, laying down a smooth and consistent XXF line that widens to an impressive 4B+ (approx 2.5mm) under minimal pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Needlepoint hairlines, strong snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it another ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles such as Copperplate and Spencerian. Condition: excellent+ [B+]. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no brassing or notable flaws apart from the top cap band having lost some of its original luster (I assume). Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Feed is missing a a fin from one side, which has no discernible effect on writing performance (see DETAIL PHOTO RIGHT). Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is deep and fully legible. Price: $310 SOLD
 
7. 1930s-40s Edacoto (grey web, celluloid, NPT, lever filler, SS XF/F Wet Noodle nib). This full-sized model measures 4 7/8” capped. For more on Edacoto, see description of pen #6 above. This pen is made of grey web celluloid complemented by nickel plated trim with deluxe, triple cap bands. SS Edacoto 87 nib is yet another Wet Noodle with flow and softness comparable to that of a dip pen nib. It lays down a smooth and consistent XF/F line that widens to an impressive 4B+ (approx 2.5mm) under minimal pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Effortless variation, strong snap-back, and reliably wet flow over its full range of flex make it another ideal choice for calligraphic writing styles. Condition: excellent [B]. Nickel-plated trim is clean with no brassing or notable flaws apart from a pin sized spot of wear on the lever and a couple on the cap bands on each side of the cap (see timestamp photo). Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is weakened but fully legible. Price: $220 SOLD
 
8. 1930s Edacoto (grey pearl marble, celluloid, NPT, lever filler, 14k F Flex/Superflex nib). This smaller model measures 4 5/8” capped. For more on Edacoto, see pen #6 above. This one is made of grey pearl marble complemented by nickel-plated trim. 14k Warranted nib yields Super-Flexible variation with Flexible softness. It lays down a smooth and consistent F line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.0mm) under moderate pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Strong snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it a great choice for expressive and calligraphic writing styles. Condition: excellent/fine [B/C]. Nickel-plated trim looks clean with the naked eye but shows a peppering of wear under a loupe. Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes apart from subtle shrinkage of the cap that can’t be seen so much as felt when running a finger down it – merely cosmetic with no affect on how the cap screws on. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel is weakened but fully legible. Price: $150 $140
 
9. 1940s-50s Mercury w/ Sticker (blue swirl, celluloid, NPT, button filler, 14k XF Superflex nib). This full-sized model measures 5 3/8” capped. This mysterious pen has defied all my research efforts. It’s marked “Mercury” on the barrel in the usual place and “B-tg / SGDG / Made in France” farther up toward the section. It comes with its original price sticker, ehich reads “Mercury” and “225” penned in ink. This pen is made of a curious wrapped celluloid in blue and black complemented by heavy, white metal trim with “Bronze au Glucinium” stamped in the top of the spring-activated clip. Never seen trim made of this! Threads for the blind cap appear to be stainless steel. All this gives the pen a substantial heft in the hand. Super-Flexible 14k Mercury nib lays down a smooth and consistent XF line that widens to a 4B+ (approx 2.0mm) under light pressure (see WRITING SAMPLE). Thin hairlines, strong snap-back, and reliable flow over its full range of flex make it another great choice for calligraphic writing styles. Condition: excellent+ [B+]. This pen is in pristine, museum-grade condition. Nickel-plated trim is immaculate with no brassing or other notable flaws. Celluloid is smooth and lustrous with no deep scratches or other noteworthy blemishes – scarcely even any micro-scratches. Manufacturer imprint on the barrel are deep and fully legible. Price: $240 SOLD
 
 
 
Shipping: Pens purchased on the weekend are mailed on Tuesday. Otherwise they are mailed within 2 business days of payment. All pens that do not come with their original boxes are packaged in PVC or thick plastic tubes to protect them in transit. To CONUS locations the following shipping options are available:

• USPS First-Class with tracking for $5 Due to the delivery delays that continue under postmaster general DeJoy, I strongly recommend that the Priority shipping option be chosen. All packages will include full insurance (covered by me). Rest assured that a full refund is guaranteed (issued through Paypal) in the event of a lost parcel and you will not have to wait until I receive a reimbursement from the USPS.
  
• USPS Priority with tracking for $9
  

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Shout out to SpacePaladin15 for the original universe and credit to Soggy_Helicopter8589 for the AU lore, check out his story The New Age of Wolves.
Getting interrupted is the worst.
First
Previous
Memory Transcription Subject: Salisk, Arxur hunter, Second-in-Command, Mercenary
Date [Post Cataclysm]: March 4, 1291
The fires crackled in the night, illuminating the people surrounding each one. There were too many for us to build just one fire, so we had ended up building several. I expected that to mean that the Arxur and the Federation species would separate and prefer the company of their on kind, but they remained remarkably close.
The Arxur that had come with us, seventeen in total, remained close with the other rescues, conversing with them and even sharing body heat. There wasn’t an iota of fear in any of their eyes, they had grown completely accustomed to the presence of the Arxur. I think it scared me.
They weren’t scared of the one thing that had always scared them. They weren’t cowards anymore, by my definition that made them people. And I had come to the conclusion the Drotkla was correct, you cannot simply become sapient one day, you had to have been born that way. That means they have always been people, and what I have done in my time in the Dominion I have done to people.
I stared deeply into the fire, running through the thoughts again and again. I was desperate to find the flaw, to pick out something I could use to prove they still weren’t people. There had to be a missing piece, an unknown factor. There had to be. I couldn’t accept that there wasn’t.
Date sat next to me, crossing his legs as he did. He carried a large piece of the rations we were given, surely too much for the human to eat himself. Wordlessly, he took his sword and began slicing the meat into strips before passing them off to the rest of the Arxur crowded around my fire. Drotka and Loznelt accepted theirs with little more than a nod of thanks, Kostlo was the only one to actually say their thanks. Rurutk did chirp when he got his, but that's less of a thanks and more of a gasp.
When Date offered me a slice, I held out a claw. “Not hungry.”
Every one of the Arxur looked at me like I was insane, except for Rurutk who was too busy enjoying his meal to notice. Refusing food was paramount to suicide, you never knew when your next meal could show up. One was likely to starve to death if they even missed out on one small meal.
Date shook the sliver in the air. “Are you sure?”
“Positive. I’ve lost my appetite.”
Date shrugged and pulled down his face mask to eat what was once mine. “Suit yourself. I’ve never been one for boar, but I’m also not one to waste food. And neither are you. Well, were. You are now.”
Date chewed a few times, looking me up and down. “What’s on your mind?”
“Nothing you can help.”
He chewed a few more times before swallowing. “Would taking your mind off of it help?”
I slowly nodded my head. “I guess it would.”
Date thought for a moment. “Remember how we were talking about what to do when Rurutk gets older? And how we were worried he was going to lack friends? Well, I got to thinking. There are plenty of human kids around, why don’t we introduce some to him?”
“He’s scared of your eyes, remember?”
Date looked passed me and to my son. “I don’t think he is anymore. He seems to be able to tolerate mine at least.”
I looked back and forth between them. “I hadn’t realized he was so comfortable with you now. I guess that ball-and-string toy you gave him made him like you. He plays with it all the time.”
“Well it’s better than being bored. And it’s not just me. Remember Sofia, he got along with her just fine. They even bonded a little over how little they spoke.”
“I know. Once you told me who she was I never left her out of my sight. I know Rurutk needs more friends, but she’s not going to be one of them and that’s final. I don’t care how much they bonded, I’ll introduce him to some other human kids.”
I thought back to the poisoner, recalling the last time I saw her. She started acting odd after we delivered Shume and the others who wanted to stay with the overbearing warlord Anneli. She kept offering me food and drinks, and she followed me and my soldiers everywhere. She even tried to sleep with me! We couldn’t get out of that camp fast enough.
“But how are we going to get some human kids to talk to Rurutk?”
Date shrugged. “I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. For his sake.”
I nodded. “For his sake.”
Drotka decided to chip in. “Hey, I’m sure there’s another Arxur kid on this planet somewhere. If not, I’m sure there’ll be more soon enough. I’m sure you’ve noticed it too. Most of the female Arxur we’re bringing with us are carrying eggs.”
Date stared out to the other fires. “How… I don’t want to know.”
Kostlo sighed. “Vikings are cruel. I’m just glad we were found by the Blade Watch before anyone else. They’ve been good to us.”
I nodded. “Yes they have. I wouldn’t expect Anneli to give us an entire village, let alone any amount of independence.”
Date nodded, which looked odd with his wide straw hat. “You have more independence than when I ever had working for someone else.”
I blinked. “Wait, I thought you never worked for anyone?”
“Did I say that?”
“When we first met you said you hated the idea of having someone else tell you what to do. Oh, wait, no. You said you hated having anyone tell you who to kill.”
“Really?”
“Pretty sure.”
“Damn, you have a good memory.”
“I’ve always had one. It’s helped me out quite a bit. Anyways, tell us about this job.”
Date picked up a stick and stocked the fire slightly. “Not much to say, honestly. This was a very long time ago, I’m not good with dates. Heh, I’m Date and I’m not good with dates. Ironic.”
He chuckled to himself once more as he set the stick down. “So, after… some unfortunate things happened in my life, I decided to become a samurai under a dymio. It sucked. I don’t really know why I did it in the first place, but I ended up regretting it. In the end the dymio died of smallpox and I was left without a master once more. You probably know the rest of the story, bounty hunted until I met you, and now I’m helping you raise that one. After that, eh, I’ll figure it out when I get there.”
Drotka giggled. “That’s it? You’ll figure it out? Surely you have more of a plan than that.”
“You're one to talk. I bet you don’t have a plan for the next sentence you speak.”
Drotka leaned back. “I’ll have you know that I plan everything in advance. Well, as much as I can. I’ve seen people get killed way too many times on raids just because they had no plan and charged in. Just because you are hungry doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a plan. I only thought like that in raids until I saw… someone I was close with get killed for not having a plan. Fucking idiot spoke out of turn and our captain killed him. I made a promise to myself as I watched him get beaten to death to always have a plan, even if it was a bad one.”
She leaned over and picked another piece of wood out of the pile, tossing it in and causing the embers to roar for a moment. “It’s just become a habit to think like that now. Once I started I just couldn’t stop.”
Everyone was silent for a moment before Kostlo decided to tell his story. “I’ve seen people get mauled too. An offhand remark, speaking out of turn, looking the wrong way, even fucking breathing too loudly… They wouldn’t get a warning, they would just start getting mauled. No chance to defend themselves, maybe that’s why I wear this armor. Even though I know Salisk would never do that, I just feel safer. And it’s not like it’s hurting anyone to wear armor.”
Drotka smiled. “It’s making us slower.”
Kostlo didn’t respond with words, only staring in annoyance at the sassy Arxur. All Drotka did in response was shrug before returning her attention to the fire with a smile. I expected the conversation to end there, but I was genuinely surprised when Loznelt of all people spoke up.
With his deep voice, he had everyone’s attention before we even realized it was him talking. “I’ve seen the same. It’s why I don’t talk. It’s just habit to keep my mouth shut. Guess I’m finally loosening up.”
Drotka was the first to speak, as expected. “Woah. You sound exactly like I imagined you would.”
Loznelt huffed. “Is that good?”
Drotka smiled and placed a claw on her face. “Sure is.”
Loznelt huffed again and looked away, returning to his silence. Drotka sighed and shook her head. “Back to the silent treatment. Well, whatever. There’s still one more that has yet to talk.”
Every head turned to face me, including my son. Date shifted in his seat, turning to face me more. “Yeah Salisk, we’ve all shared a little at least. Can’t you say something?”
I sighed. “There really isn’t much to say.”
“Well, say what you can.”
I shook my head before sighing again. “Fine. It’s probably not as tragic as you might expect. I didn’t know my father, and my mother might as well have been a stranger. I had the incredibly rare luck to eat frequently, and that’s probably why I’m so strong. Not many Arxur get to eat properly throughout their lives, but I did. Anyways, when I wasn’t attending training or growing somehow more distant with my mother, I would be picked on by the older kids. It was constant, and I grew accustomed to the beatings. I never complained or even whimpered about them to anyone, I knew I would just be blown off.”
I looked deep into the fire, recalling memories I could have sworn I forgot. “It went on like that for a long time. Eat some scraps, go to training, get beaten by an instructor, get beaten by some older kids, go home, sleep away the pain, repeat. It wasn’t until I was old enough to be drafted did it change. People in higher positions noticed that I was stronger than most others, so I got better positions, more food, more power, everything an Arxur was supposed to want, but I never felt any accomplishment in it. It was all… hollow. I tried to find any sense of joy in my life, but I couldn’t. I turned into a robot, just taking the next step because someone told me to do it. The worst part was, I was okay with it in the end.”
I blinked as I looked away from the fire, focusing my attention back to my son. “That all changed when-”
A searing pain shot through my back, causing me to stretch out in pain. I roared in surprise, scaring both Rurutk and Date. Now, instead of just the people around me looking at me, the entire camp was.
Date, clearly confused, leaned back. “What’s wrong?”
I let out a growl to try and fight the pain. “I’ve been stabbed!”
I twisted to show Date the wound, hearing a small gasp as he saw it. “That’s a bolt! Someone shot you!”
I pointed a claw at Drotka and Loznelt. “Find them!”
They rushed into the woods without a second thought, barely remembering to pick up their weapons as they did. Kostlo stood as well, but instead of rushing into the woods he picked up his shield and planted it behind my back. Rurutk got close to him, seeking cover form his confusion behind Kostlo’s shield.
I tried reaching over my back to find the bolt and remove it, but Date stopped me. “Hold on Salisk, I’ve got it. Just stay still, it could be barbed.”
“Just get it out!”
After a moment of waiting, I felt the pain spike in intensity for a moment before settling back down. “You’re lucky this wasn’t barbed. It would have left a lot more permanent damage.”
I winced as I turned around and grabbed my mace. “I’ll kill whoever did this.”
Date held out his hands. “Now hold on, Loznelt and Drotka can handle it, you know they can. Just take it easy, a wound like that might not seem bad at first, but It can be more dangerous than it looks. Just have faith in those two, you’ll be fine.”
I settled back down on my log, once again reaching over my back to feel the wound. “Who would be so stupid…”
Date rolled the bolt in his hands. “A knight. Who specifically, I don’t know, but only knights use crossbows. Someone wants you dead.”
“Think it’s Anneli?”
“Don’t see why she would, but I also don’t know any other knights out here. Why don’t you take Rurutk and go to your tent. I’ll tell the rescues what happened, okay.”
“Yeah, just come get me if they return with that knight alive.”
“Sure thing, you have my word.”
I collected Rurutk and returned to my tent, still nursing the wound on my back. Rurutk clung to my free claw as we traversed the camp, still scared about someone in the woods hurting him. I pulled him into the tent and sat in front of him.
“I’m sorry for screaming Rurutk. I didn’t mean it.”
He took a few steps forward and leaned close. I didn’t have a clue what was happening until he wrapped his arms around me. Even if we had hugged many times before, this time was different. I had comforted him many times, but I never expected to be comforted by him.I returned the hug and pulled him close.
“You’re a great son.”

Unsupportive/ Anxious family
I (31YO, 5ft2, UK 30JJ/K) recently got recommended by my GP for a BR surgery on the NHS. This week I got a confirmation for an appointment with a consultant. The potential of this surgery is driving a bigger wedge between me and my anxious mum and it's just filling me with dread instead of joy, I know if I put this off any longer I'm going to become severely depressed.
I've had boobs since I was in primary school- wearing a C-cup at age 8. Looking back it could've been precocious puberty, but because the ladies on my dad's side are all in the big titty committee no one really bat an eye at it, put an m&s bra on and called it a day.
My parents didn't want to hear that I was suffering mentally, physically and socially growing up, typical "you have a roof over your head/food in your belly/clothes on your back- why would you have problems?" attitude . When an honest m&s fitter told them that the shop didn’t stock bras that would actually support my ever growing chest, my parents made sure I had regular bravissimo fittings & paid for the bras until I was 18- then I had to start paying for myself. They're not particularly "talk about your feelings" people but at the same time they're upset that I'm reserved with them. Because of my upbringing, I’ve learned it’s best to keep all convos surface level with them. Mum's affected cause she had it rough going up and is disappointed we don't have the ideal mother-child relationship she envisioned. Dad is just... awkward. He doesn't want to talk about my body- and hasn't since people started pointing out I was "shapely" at the age of 2 (barf @ those individuals, I hate society).
I was rejected from a BR on the NHS in my 20s, the GP said that I was chasing a "perfect body" and that the NHS wouldn't cover a vanity surgery. It devastated me, especially after a lifetime of internalising every single comment I've ever received about these boobs. I started saving for private surgery but between my low pay/job uncertainty, the panny d and cozzie livs I've had to repurpose that money to keep my head above water. I had a mini menty b early this year because I thought the girls grew again and I can't find anything above my current bra size, genuinely can't reach 40 with these things, feel like they're an obstacle holding me back in life and something that makes me a public spectacle a la Saartje Bartmann/Hottentot Venus and PHYSICALLY it's gotten to the point where the weight of them actually starts suffocating me in certain positions.
Mum's a nurse and got married as a double A cup. She says she only started to get boobs when she was pregnant with me (congrats), whenever I went to her as a child/teen she would tell me people were jealous of me/that I needed to get a thicker skin. She's always been kind of controlling and invasive with me- used to read my diary, wanted to be at every doctor appointment, checking my cupboards/wardrobe for "contraband", forcing me to disclose some uncomfortable trauma/truths under threat of being kicked out etc.
Mum’s gotten better recently and as she convinced me to go to the GP again (NHS requirements have changed since my last attempt) and try to save my money for something else. I asked her to be my chaperone second time around. initially appeared to be supportive but flipped when I got the consultation appointment text. That night I got a big ole dressing down about how I don't share anything with her, she thinks I'm not taking this seriously, that I haven't done my research, that I'm messing with the body she made me and then she topped it all off by telling me I'm a mentally ill freak who she doesn't want to deal with anymore. All this because I didn't want to tell anyone but her until it was confirmed a surgery would actually go ahead and blamed me for stressing her out/setting off her anxiety. My emotional response was just to shut down in her presence and bawl into my pillow when I was alone. We haven't talked in days. She literally looks right through me like I'm not there and only speaks to me in clipped sentences.
Today I got a heads-up from my younger brother (who settled in a different city) that they've fought about me & my potential surgery - she called him to vent/get support and got vex that he sees things my way. She thinks that she's coming to me as a healthcare professional and that I'm ignoring her advice/knowledge. We both mentioned I don't need another healthcare professional at this time, that I just need a mum... she's dug her heels in and refusing to budge.
I don't THINK she's told my dad. But he is tiptoeing around both of us/ignoring the issue. It's really fucking awkward at home now and I'm going insane from being iced out by my mum and being treated more awkwardly by my dad.
Because of already mentioned low pay/job uncertainty, the panny d and the cozzie livs I'm unable to move out of the home and while I'm temping ATM & looking for more permanent work, I'm barely bringing in enough to cover my outgoings and rely on my parents a lot still. I think because of this they're infantilising me in a way they don't do with my brother. I'm grateful for the monetary and like home related aid but they've never really provided that mental/emotional support yk?
I thought that my family would be my primary support network for this. All my friends who know that I need this surgery all live abroad/ out of London or are currently going through their own familial crisis and are limited at how much they can actually help. My brother supports me but he's barely making it out on his own & is allergic to cats so I can't move with him (bringing my cat) and tbh, we get on best when we're not under each other all the time. RN I just really need to get my mum back on side, and get her to not take all of this as a personal attack to HER, you know- reframe ME.
Can someone help me or give me advice dealing with highly anxious and unsupportive family without going insane myself?

TL;DR: Easy to book and free on NHS, just need to say you're sure! Quick procedure and easy home aftercare, don't worry :)
Alright all? I had my snip a couple of days ago and thought I might share about it since I know I did a bit of online research/redditing beforehand and wanted to give back!
Getting it organised: I went to my GP to book it and asked to go through MSI, a company providing the service but covered by the NHS (id seen them reviewed as good and apparently it saves time vs vanilla options). First off, I didn't really need to justify it to the doctor,and was signed up straight away to have it done free through MSI. Literally just "yes I want one, yes I'm sure" and he OK'd it.
Timing: I booked in mid December, had a call time confirmed for mid-April for my consultation phone call and had a date booked for the surgery around 2 weeks after the call. I live in London which may have sped up my options compared to other places, also can't vouch for MSI availability but again, getting it OK'd by the NHS in general was easy and I only asked after this specific provider as I'd heard they were quick/good
The operation: Made a lot of jokes with everyone for weeks beforehand, gut full of butterflies on the morning. The nurse was very good at making small talk to smooth things over beforehand and the whole operation took about 10 mins.
I was lying flat on my back for it but only had local anaesthetic. Jeans off before lying down, pants down to knees after lying down and the lie back and think of anything other than the sharp instruments around you balls! First off was a disinfectant fluid with alcohol which had a deep heat/warming sort of element that made me feels oddly like I'd pissed myself. The two injections either side of the base of the ballsack.
At this point the balls went numb but the penis keep feeling the warmth of the disinfectant, so I found that for the whole process the distracting feeling of how warm my bellend was (particularly where resting against my skin, it was all kind of flopped up up and to the right to keep the valls unobstructed) was a good focus point to distract from the metallic sounds of the surgery. I felt a couple of light, vague tugs but not much else. There was a suction fan on during so I could hum a song to myself while twiddling my fingers and toes to keep my mind off the ball-cutting of it all. Was over faster than you'd think!
After care: Had some very tight trunks I'd bought beforehand to hold on the dressing they applied when they were done. Was kept in for 25 mins after to have a coffee and biscuits (tea/water also on offer, eating the biscuits was actually mandatory to prove I was alright apparently!) and had to check my dressing after 10 mins to ensure the blood stain was no larger than a 50p. The assistant doctor brought out a blue plastic cock with a pen stain drawn on and a dummy dressing to show me what to look for in case it was unclear, which apparently not everywhere does but which I was sure to seem grateful for as it was well meant.
Kept the dressing on for 48 hours. Missing and shitting a careful but not complicated process, just hang onto the dressing amd try and keep it firm while the pants go down! There is some more bleeding which is pretty unnerving but hey, the ladies pull it off monthly so you can manage 2 days! After 48 hours you can shower and change the dressing. I was given 2 new ones to apply by the doctor and have another to put on tomorrow, after that the lads are free to operate alone again but tight pants recommended for a couple of weeks. You can see a little bloody scab, there can be a little semen leakage as well, it's all medically fine but practically quick odd to see!
Happy to answer questions if anyone has any, I'm delighted to have it done and dusted!

Hello! My spouse and I just visited New Orleans in late April for our anniversary and had an absolute BLAST, thanks in large part to the wonderful advice on this subreddit. I wanted to share our itinerary in case it is helpful to folks, as well as some detailed notes about a few things in case it helps others like me who may be neurodivergent and who experience travel anxiety but still want to travel to this delightful city.
Some notes: we don't really drink but still ended up drinking more during our three night/three day stay than we have in the last year. We are also very into walking, and my spouse loves history. We are morning people and learned that New Orleans (at least while we were there) was very quiet in the morning, which was a great opportunity for me to see things without getting too overwhelmed. The weather was as perfect as we could ask for, with rain only on the last day. It was generally warm with cool breezes and absolutely gorgeous at night (70-75 degrees). 10/10 recommend visiting at this time of year if you are trying to avoid the heat of summer or the crowds of Mardi Gras. We ended up skipping Jazz Fest because I thought I might get overwhelmed, and I think that was a good choice for us. Going to NOLA during Jazz Fest may have made the rest of the city a little quieter since folks were at the Fest.
Day 1:
We arrived at the hotel at night (stayed in a hotel near the Convention Center) and walked to Oceana Grill/Bourbon Street for Hurricanes and a snack. We got in very late, so we weren't trying to be picky about where we ate. Note: I fully expected to be overwhelmed by Bourbon Street but actually ended up thinking it was such a fun spectacle. Think Old Vegas neon signs with New Vegas shenanigans. The smell of cigarettes/garbage/urine was very strong, and it was, of course, very loud and busy. You might be able to help yourself with some loop earplugs and/or a mask.
Day 2:
Walk to Cafe Du Monde for beignets and cafe au lait. Note: this is the only thing they serve, they are open 24 hours, they are cash only, and the line for a table moves very quickly. The tables are outside on a covered patio.
Walk around Jackson Square and look at all of the art. The various artists did not seem fully set up until 10-ish.
Walk through the French Market. Note: there are some art shops and souvenir shops. If you walk just past the Market you can see the Mississippi River and sit with a nice breeze if you need a minute to collect yourself.
Walk to Solomon Northup "12 Years A Slave" Historical Site Marker.
Walk to LaLaurie Mansion.
Visit a few different Voodoo shops. Note: if you are interested in psychic/Tarot readings, please know that many of the shops require appointments and may not have immediate availability. There were folks around Jackson Square set up who seemed able to do readings immediately.
Lunch at Napolean House for muffuletta, boudin, and Pims cups. Note: we got there around 11:30, and that seemed like perfect timing with no wait. By the time we left, there was a very long line of folks. At least when we were visiting, there was no air conditioning, and the windows were open.
Visited a few more Voodoo shops and walked down Bourbon Street.
Stopped at Erin Rose for frozen Irish coffees. Note: there are two sizes you can order with the larger size coming in a takeaway Erin Rose cup.
Hotel Refresh
Walk to Sazerac House for a free tour. Note: the tour does require reservation in advance. I was skeptical about the tour, but it ended up being interesting and well done. They gave us four different tastings and had a lot of history. It was crowded but organized.
Dinner at Luke's for oysters during their happy hour.
Casual strolling
Day 3:
Walk to Brennan's for Brunch. Note: This was an absolute highlight of the trip, and the service, food, and decor were amazing from start to finish. When I made our reservation, I included that it was our anniversary since they asked what the occasion was, not thinking that anything would happen. They had a special colored ribbon on our table so that all staff who interacted with our table knew it was our anniversary, and they certainly showered us with congratulations and attention! We were also served sparkling wine on the house. We had a stunning time, and their service was unmatched. The Turtle soup was not memorable, but their seasonal strawberry dish was divine. We watched two other tables order the Banana's Foster but were sufficiently stuffed and felt like we got the experience we wanted even without tasting.
Visit antique stores on Royal Street. Note: they shut the street down some days for pedestrians.
Uber to Botanical Gardens/Sculpture Garden. Note: there is a fee for the Botanical Garden but the Sculpture Garden is free. It was nice to have a quiet walk amongst the flowering plants and sculptures. We did not visit the Museum, though it is also in the same area. There is a small children's garden/installation right next to the Botanical Garden as well.
Uber to Museum of Death. Note: this is owned by the same organization that runs the Museum of Death in LA. I didn't think it was worth it, and it was a little expensive, but my spouse enjoyed it.
Hotel Refresh - we skipped lunch!
Walk to Preservation Hall for a show. Note: this activity came highly recommended but ultimately, it was not for me for a variety of reasons that are no one's fault but my own. You are theoretically seated according to your place in line (do get there early). Our experience was not quite as neat, and folks were not seated according to any logic that I could understand. There were open seats left near the front and sides, with seated folks packed closer to the back of the very small room. My sense of justice was sparked, and I was completely distracted by this (yes, I realize how ridiculous this is and wish I could be different). The room itself does not have air conditioning, and you are seated on a wooden bench with no back. Folks behind me had their knees touching my back, and the person next to me was close enough that their tapping foot tapped onto my foot frequently. The stage is not elevated, so if you are short, there is a possibility that you will not be able to see well even though the room is small. Part of the performance had a call-and-response portion, and audience participation through clapping was encouraged. Even though the day was in the high seventies, it became quite warm in the room. If you are not distracted or bothered by these things, then definitely attend! I was hopelessly distracted and very self-conscious about my distraction.
Walk to Fritzels for more Jazz. Note: they require each person to order an alcoholic drink in order to sit and listen to the Jazz.
Dinner at Saint John. Note: We had reservations at the kitchen counter, and I would not recommend this. In general, this subreddit has better recommendations for dinner than this restaurant, and I would suggest going someplace else.
Walk to Frenchman Street for Jazz. Note: I'm dumb and thought there would be more folks playing jazz on the street. There were no folks playing on the street when we walked through and music was only inside the bars, which each had drink minimums per set. It seemed like a lot of the music we could hear from walking around was not actually jazz.
Day 4:
Take the street car to Molly's Rise and Shine. Note: they offer a great breakfast, fun decor, and are not crowded early in the morning. I recommend it all around if you are planning on going out to the Garden District!
Walk around Garden District and learn about the historic mansions. Note: there are some great free tours you can google that give you more background/history.
Take street car back to World War II Museum. Note: it really is an amazingly done Museum and you could easily spend all day here. My spouse had a few specific areas he wanted to visit in the museum and was very satisfied. Some of the installations are quite immersive. The museum was very crowded and I found myself needing to take breaks. I am not sure if it is always that crowded or if the rain drove people to do indoor things.
Walk to Peche for late lunch. Note: you need a reservation to eat here and you should not plan on eating here if you have a limited amount of time, like we had. I got a little stressed out since we had an hour and fifteen minutes to eat until we needed to go back to the hotel and get our bags/go to the airport. This was not enough time, and we were rushing to finish/couldn't order dessert. We ordered a bunch of small plates (mostly vegetables), which were mouth-wateringly good. I would have loved to try dessert and some of the larger plates, but we didn't have time.
Thank you, AskNOLA, for letting me lurk and discover many of the fun things your city has to offer! It was an anniversary trip we will never forget!

I yelled and woke with a start. Sweat dripped down my face. My breathing was hard and desperate. I could have sworn I had just been falling. The stickiness of sleep meddled with the cogs of my mind. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the gloom of my bedroom and I found myself alone, safe and warm. No danger here. My heart rate slowed and I chuckled nervously. Soon all fear had seeped from my mind and all memory of my dream had faded. I rolled out of bed and shivered. Quickly I pulled on a sweater and put on my furry slippers. It was cold in this cabin in the middle of the forest. Although internal plumbing and an electric generator had been added, there was still no central heating. This did not bother me much because I always enjoyed having an excuse to light the fire in the living room. I absolutely loved traditional fireplaces.

I was whistling happily in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of cold water as I poured fresh coffee beans into my electric grinder. The sound and smell of coffee being ground always made me content. As my coffee brewed in my French press I cracked two eggs into a bowel and began to whisk. Fifteen minutes later I carried a steaming hot cheese omelet and large mug of coffee out onto my front veranda. I stood in the open doorway, surveying the beauty of the outdoors in the early morning light. The air was cold and fresh; pregnant with complex mixtures of pine and lavender scents. I looked up to see the sky was a deep blue and devoid of all clouds. The thin, dark silhouettes of the trees that surrounded the cabin stood silent and ominous in the soft half-light of the morning. White coats of frost sparkled and melted on the grass as the sun climbed and brightened. I could hear the distant sound of the stream and the call of morning birds.

I sighed deeply with satisfaction and sat down on my wooden chair. This is what I loved more than anything. More than the city that bustles and bursts with busy human lives. More than squeezing myself between strangers on the tube. More than the sickening smell of the streets and the soulless lack of any natural sounds. In the city there were no crickets, no owls, no frogs. Out here there was an abundance of beauty. The trees were so patient and still. So very different from the rushed, ill-mannered commuters I had as my usual morning partners. I definitely preferred the trees. I took another deep breath. I blew on the steam that rose from my coffee mug and sipped cautiously. The coffee was rich and delicious and scalding hot. Perfect. I began to eat my omelet letting the serenity of nature continue to wash over me. My mood had not been so elated for many months and I was seriously thinking that I should move here full-time. Currently I was working as an English teacher and had decided to come out here to work on my novel and take a break from the city. From my life. Once my excellent breakfast was complete I walked back inside and decided to start a fire to warm up the cabin. As I stooped to check the small wicker basket near the fireplace, that should contain the dried firewood, my eyebrow arched when I found the basket empty. Huh? I could have sworn it was half-full yesterday. Puzzled, I picked up the basket. Soon I put on my large, worn black coat and made my way outside.

The frosted ground crunched under my large leather boots as I waded through the woods. Finding dry branches for the fire would be fairly difficult at this time of day as most of the ground was damp by now. However, my plan was just to dry them out in the oven before I used them. After spending a few minutes stooping to inspect sticks of various sizes and dampness I finally filled the basket. “Ok, time to go home.” I muttered aloud eagerly as I rubbed my hands together. The air was still cold enough to make my breath visible and I rubbed my hands together. Suddenly I stopped. I did not recognize where I was. But how? I had been exploring the woods for days now and not one time had I gotten lost.

My eyes darted back and forth and my head swiveled in confusion. Very soon a creeping panic began to climb from my stomach up into my lungs. My heart began to thump loudly. I looked up at the sun, the voice of my old man ringing in my mind, “Learn to navigate by the stars and sun and you’ll never lose your way”. I smiled, remembering his warm eyes and loud laughter. I missed him. I closed my eyes, concentrating. “Ok, that must be East, so that means I should walk…” I stretched out my arm and hand, index finger pointed. I turned on my heel. “North. That way.”

After a few moments I found my path blocked by a sudden sheer drop. I was facing an enormous quarry. My face blanched. “What… where the hell did this come from?” Again, panic seeped into my blood. “There aren’t any bloody quarries around here!” I moved forward to peek over the edge and peered down. The drop must be at least fifteen meters! I looked from left to right and saw no stairs or bridges. How the hell was I supposed to get across? My confusion grew and grew. Then I froze. There, lying at the bottom of the quarry, was a mangled body. The light in the sky was still too young to properly illuminate the quarry’s depths, but I could tell it was a body! My eyes bulged and my mouth opened wide with astonishment. “Jesus! Hello? Are you okay down there?” I yelled. Nothing but cold silence pressed against my ears. Suddenly I noticed a path that I had not seen before. It started to my right and wound down the slope before me. Quickly I started hurrying down towards the person; maybe I could still help? Soon I was at the bottom and I ran up to the body that lay still on the ground. As I got closer and the sun grew brighter I stopped dead. The body that lay crumpled at my feet was – me. “No way. There is just absolutely no way!” I shouted. I trembled as I took a step backward. My foot slipped on a large stone and I felt myself begin to fall to the ground.

Suddenly I yelped and my legs kicked out. I blinked in the sudden darkness and found myself on my sofa in the cabin’s living room. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I said out loud as I sat up. I felt the softness of the couch cushions beneath me, I could smell the citrus scents leftover from the wash I’d given them recently. I stood up, my breathing still fast. The large windows showed a stormy afternoon. Rain pelted the glass heavily and the wind howled loudly. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I repeated. I checked my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. I raked my brain, trying to figure out what was happening. But the details of my dream were fading. “I was in the forest looking for firewood. Then I found that body in the quarry.” It had been so real. I felt quite disoriented. Was I truly awake now? Or still asleep? And that body? What had been so terrible about it? The dream had already seeped away. I couldn’t remember.

Still confused I made my way quickly towards the front door. Just as I opened it there was a deafening peal of thunder and a bright fork of lightning lit up the darkling sky. My mouth dropped open. There, just beyond the veranda, as if it had always been there, was the quarry. That cliff! I closed my mouth. “But… how…” Ignoring the icy rain, I walked towards the edge and once again peeked over. In the cold light of another flash of lightening I saw my own body twisted and broken on the ground below. I gasped. My mind reeled. My heart fluttered. “What is going on?” I yelled looking around for some sort of explanation. When I looked back down again my face turned white. The body, my body, was gone. Suddenly I felt the eyes of a stranger on my back. A feeling of dread crept up my spine. A twig snapped. I spun around.

I stood face to face with my shadow. But he did not look like me. Not exactly. Darkness coated his body like a skintight suit and I could not tell what he was wearing. He may have even been naked for all I know. I could see most of his face and hair, but his eyes were cloaked entirely in semi-circles of shadow which fell below each of his brows. He seemed utterly unconcerned about the storm. “You poor thing. You poor, wretched thing.” When he spoke, his voice was not mine. It was deep and commanding, yet gentle. His words came out slow and calm, almost lulling, “I caught you as you fell. You can be at peace forever. But you must choose now.” He stretched out a tenebrous hand and pointed toward the edge of the cliff. Suddenly I noticed something new appear in his hands. It was a book. It was my book. The one I had been writing. Had I already finished it? Or had I just started?

He turned to one of the middle pages and read, “‘Life is the antithesis of peace. Death is the antithesis of suffering.’” He snapped the book closed and turned again to face me, “How trite. Yet, so often the plainest truths are. All you want is peace, is it not? You are right in thinking that life can never provide this.” A cold smile curled his lips. “Even the living forests you so admire are crawling with suffering and conflict. Even the trees that appear so peaceful, so still, are wordlessly fighting each other for light. Racing against each other to claim their own space. It is the nature of the living to struggle.” Confusion fought with terror in my mind. I stammered. “I…I don’t understand. What is this place? Who are you?” Suddenly the man robed in darkness leapt at me and clasped my wrist, “You know who I am”. Small, pale crimson lights flared to life like ignes fatui in the depths of his sockets. He began to pull me towards the edge. “No! Wait!” I shouted, digging my heels into the mud. But he was too strong. He snarled, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” and before I could stop myself I was crying from desperation. Then with a strength that could not be human he lifted me above his head, and threw me over the side of the quarry. Lightning flashed as the air rushed through my hair. I screamed as I plummeted to my death.

I yelled and woke with a start. I heard the soft beeping of monitors. I felt the scratchy linens of a hospital bed beneath me. Pain followed swiftly and exploded through my limbs. My voice was croaky and dry as I spoke, “Where…what the hell…what happened?” A nurse rushed to my side. “It’s alright love, you’ve ‘ad a bit of a tumble. Doctor’s got you all sorted. Just rest now”. Her voice was warm and comforting, like a cup of tea.

My memory returned to me slowly. My family did not own any cabin in the forest. The day of the accident I had been jogging in the woods and took my usual route near the abandoned quarry. I remember exactly what had happened. For a long time, I was overwhelmed with my work and underwhelmed with my life. I wanted nothing more than to finish my novel and bail on all my other responsibilities. My father had also recently died after a long and horrible fight with cancer and it was the first time I realized that at my age life stops providing and starts taking. I realized that soon all those things, all those people, I could once rely on were not going to last forever. An invisible fire was lit in my flesh and I felt my time was rapidly running out.

I jogged far, leaving the city limits. As I stood at the edge of that quarry, panting, my sadness hanging on me heavily, I had, for a moment, contemplated jumping. As I stared down, I imagined my broken body at the bottom of the cliff. Then, like in all my low moments, I let the cold inhumanness of the universe fill me up. With my eyes closed all I could hear was my mother crying over my father’s corpse. All the constant knocking of debt collectors on our door. All I could see were the endless medical bills flooding the postbox. All I felt was loneliness. A horrible, unrelenting, unsolvable loneliness. I had no great love, no amazing career, and my writing would never be good enough to publish. All I could feel was the gaping hole my father had left behind. It hurt. For just a moment I convinced myself I did not belong here anymore. My lips trembled. I walked right up to the edge. I felt my sadness swell in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly. I imagined taking a single step forward. It would be so easy. I imagined the air rushing past me. Falling to my doom. I imagined the horrible pain of the impact. But I also imagined the peace that would come after. A peace I craved. I imagined a picturesque cabin in the woods. A beautiful fireplace. A shelter from the city. A place where I could rest. It was in that moment of contemplative despair, before I could fully commit to the act, that the old unstable ground of the quarry crumbled beneath my feet and I had slipped from the edge and fell. Only the shadows were there to catch me.

Recovery was slow. My mother and sister came to visit me multiple times and made the stay at the hospital bearable. How many dreams had I had? How much had I awoken and then re-awoken? Could I be sure I was truly awake now? As I pondered this I tried to remember. But all I could recall was that very last dream. Those dark horrible eyes. The terror of that very last fall. In that moment, I had realized what I wanted. Now I felt rejuvenated in a way I had not felt for many years. The exhaustion of my spirit had finally been ameliorated. I actually looked forward to getting out of bed. I actually wanted to go to school again. My passion for teaching was reignited. Soon after my recovery I even managed to get my novel published but did not make much money.

Many years have passed since my fall and I’m in my 60s now and retired and have never married. I now know that those dreams were not just dreams. That phantom I confronted has remained with me. Whenever the stresses of life pile up and I become fatigued, he comes to me. He still waits for me. He is real. I see his eyes covered in shadow. Tiny pinpricks of crimson flicker therein. At first, I only saw him rarely; glimpses in dreams. As time went on and I grew older and weary of the world once more I began to see him in the corner of my room every night. What’s worse was that in those moments when I feel the lowest I found myself craving the solitude of that cabin. The peace it brought with it. All this I craved despite the price.

Last week I attended my mother’s funeral. It was a small affair, most of her friends having died many years before. I saw my sister there with her husband and children. They are so happy and full of life. I feel a pang of jealousy but also relief. My life was always to be a solitary one. My sister and I cried during the service. When we chatted later we tried in vain to comfort each other. I returned alone to my home in London while she returned home with her husband and children to Edinburgh. I really missed her a great deal.

Since the funeral I see him constantly. Often his shadow-hidden hand stretches out and he holds a revolver. But he does not mean to shoot me. No. He holds the revolver’s ivory handle toward me. Sometimes he holds out a hangman’s noose. Sometimes it’s a long, ornate dagger. Most recently he holds out a canister of helium gas. And a plastic bag for my head. Each time he does this I resist him. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even yell at him to leave. His face remains dark, stony and enigmatic.

None of this would scare me quite so much if I had not just realized one terrible detail. What turns my blood to ice from fear is that every time I see him he is infinitesimally closer. How had I not noticed before? Perhaps it was a kindness. Gooseflesh runs down my neck as I see him standing insidiously in my cold bedroom. He is near the edge of my bed now. He is patient and has respected my choice so far. Nevertheless, he holds out that same revolver. That same noose. That same dagger. I tremble with fright because I know I will not be able to resist him much longer. Perhaps soon I’ll know if this was all a dream too.

I have been dealing with this for over 10 months now following a series of unfortunate events and I am so tired of it, it felt like it just came out of nowhere, one day eating without thinking then the next unable to drink or eat without convincing myself I’m inhaling it all - also physically unable to swallow it.
MY STORY SO FAR: (this is in depth because one thing I realise is I need to share my story for so long I felt like I was the only one, sometimes I still do like no one has this as much as me or in the same way I have)
2023 was a stressful year for me. I had come to the end of my veterinary nursing degree and had my final exams coming up… I had previously left veterinary medicine degree after 3 years when everyone that knew me knew that’s what I wanted to do and expected me to continue with it but lockdown hit, I hated living in London and wanted my family so came home and did veterinary nursing instead. So if I failed veterinary nursing I would be such a failure. ANYWAY. The day before my exam I was travelling to my friends house in Basingstoke about an hour away from where I live, on the motorway I witnessed a crash that had already happened but I drove passed as the emergency services were arriving. So I saw a whole lot as we all had to slow down. My curious mind wanted to look deeply into the scene, and I saw a man squashed up against the screen of his front window pretty mangled. Arm out the side of the lorry. Had my first proper panic attack. Couldn’t breathe, mind spiralling realising he was dead. I went blind, couldn’t see because I was so stressed. Had to stop and call my mum along the side of the motorway just to calm down. Crying hyperventilating the lot. Anyway I eventually calmed down and went and done revision because if I didn’t I’d fail.
All was good, travelled to my exams the next day. Nervous as hell but we did it. A few days later I found out I passed my exams. All being well with pure relief and excitement but with now a feeling of well now what? I’m qualified what now do I have to learn and strive for in life… my whole life at school college and university lead up to this moment, the pure blood sweat and tears… now what? I work for the rest of my life? Same thing everyday?

• ANYWAY. TRIGGER WARNING DONT READ NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF CHOKING LIKE ME* My dad celebrating my victory took us out for a meal.. everyone ordered steaks or burgers. I turn half way through the meal to look at my 13 year old brother (i was 24 at the time for reference) who has a face like a ghost, not moving frozen in fear with his neck twitching. I ask him if he’s okay he nods, trying to swallow. He then looks at my mum in fear and tries to down a glass of coke. The coke sits in his throat and he just tips his head down and it pours out. I just knew he was choking, he always had eaten his food fast without really chewing. I scream like a headless chicken, flaying around not knowing what to do. Screaming to everyone in the restaurant he’s choking someone help him call and ambulance. Poor waitress had me shouting at her whilst she was on the phone to the emergency services because I was panicking. My brother makes his way in a panick trying to get air outside where two men are enjoying sun and a beer. He’s going blue and could not get a slight bit of air down. My dad walks him extremely hard on the chest and then performs Heimlich manoeuvre which I didn’t even know he knew. The steak flies out and my brother can breathe. Sat around the table totally off our food my brother then proceeds to eat the rest of his steak and orders pudding and we all eat nothing. He’s totally unfaised. I wish I could be like him. Anyway I go back to eating normally within a day or so, not really put off by food anymore. END OF TRIGGER

The next unfortunate event happens couple weeks later, I get my first proper non basher of a car for my birthday/ Welldone for passing exams. My dad buys me a Mini Cooper and I’m overwhelmed with excitement! After 3 weeks of owning this car, one sunny day me and my partner take my sister who is 6 to the beach and water park, and have a beautiful day out with picnic and ice cream. On way home we are singing in the car to Miley Cyrus ‘PARTY IN THE USA’ - setting for you it was literally like a movie scene. Having the time of our lives all singing and laughing. I’m driving, my partners in the front seat next to me, my sister behind me in her car seat. We are 5 minutes from my road, if that and the road slows from a 40mph speed limit to a 30 on a bend, small little village road over a river bridge into a mill village. As we come round the bend starting to go to 30 but most likely still doing around 37mph, we notice a car drifting onto my side of the road coming head on. I didn’t react as quickly as I thought I would in that situation, I remember my last words being what the fuck is she doing! Then slam on my breaks as I realise she is not stopping and she is going fast. As I then slam my break, BAM she has hit us head on. I remember being flung forward and the bang was SO LOUD. I woke up to smoke all around me, a white bag in my face me pushing it down. Then looking at my partner slowly coming too. I don’t remember but my partner says I screamed so traumatisingly he still hears it to this day. I just keep screaming and crying. I remember it differently, I remember looking at my partner and seeing him hit the dashboard and saying what the actual fuck over and over again with pure anger. He undoes his seatbelt and climbs out the car, I realise I cannot get out my side as my door is crumpled and climb out the window. I was so confused as to what just happened I forgot my sister was in the back seat. To this day I’ve never stopped feeling guilty for that. My partner screamed my sisters name and ran in to get her out. She’s unconscious and paler than anything i look around and people enjoying their lunches come running towards us from the mill. I scream someone help her. At this point, all the injuries you have endured, you don’t feel. I was running around perfectly on a broken ankle. People are rushing off with my sister, my partner is running to get her from these people, I’m running around again like a headless chicken so clueless on what I need to do. Calling my mum. Telling her to come down now. The ambulance arrives swiftly as my partners phone automatically called services as it detected a crash - what an amazing thing to be able to have nowadays.
My partner faints in the car, my sister is in and out of consciousness and I am strapped into a bed with blood coming up into my mouth and once we were in the hands of the ambulance team I relaxed a little and the adrenaline started to wear off. I remember feeling almighty pain everywhere, especially my chest and right ankle. I remember thinking if my sister dies I swear to god. My mum screaming panicking my sister was going to pass away. Long story short it turns out my sister was having an adrenaline response and passed out from the pain as she completely fractured her collar bone in half from seatbelt injury. My partner had broken his hand and fingers, severe bruising internally and externally, I had broken many ribs, head injury as on inspection we found out I hit my head and cracked my front screen of the car. I also had a broken right ankle and severe internal bruising around chest and abdomen, I was pretty much blue and purple and black all over my body.
But anyway, we survived. But the pain my ribs caused me made me feel like I couldn’t breathe sometimes so that scared me. Then the trauma from the crash hit and I started to not trust the world, that anything could happen at any time and something bad was always going to happen. I could not bare the thought of going through something traumatic again! I genuinely thought my body wouldn’t be able to hack it I’d just die if I lost anyone or anything bad happened I couldn’t cope.
So I started to have panic attacks after a few weeks, really awful ones. Chest hurt, severe shooting pains, tingly arms and legs, almost numb and weak. Light headedness but also with a band around it, awful stomach pains, along with a lot of other things. This went on many times a day and night and progressively got worse and worse, and one day, I just couldn’t swallow food anymore. The simplest of food like soup, it was like and the only way I can still explain it so people with no issue swallowing get it - try and swallow repeatedly multiple times in a row without stopping, eventually your throat just can’t do it voluntarily anymore and it becomes harder. Well that’s what was happening to me. It got so bad I couldn’t drink anymore. I couldn’t spend a second of the day not swallowing my own saliva and panicking about that. I couldn’t even talk sometimes as I was adamant I could feel saliva entering my trachea. It was THE WORST TIME I HAVE EVER HAD. For reference, I ate 3 meals at once. I was a big girl weighing nearly 15 stone and had trouble dieting because I was the biggest eater going. Everyone knew me and defined me for the girl who LOVES her food and never thought twice about stuffing my face non stop.
This went on for months, of constant panic attacks and thinking I was having heart attacks or lung collapsing that I ended up in hospital countless amount of times because I then developed health anxiety and it became an addiction to make myself admitted to hospital to be check nothing was wrong with me. It got to the point my mum and my partner took my phone off me to stop me from calling the ambulance to come and get me at 3am in the morning, or right before work, AT WORK SOMETIMES or whenever I felt like it. But like all addicts I found a way everytime and they would wake up to me surrounded by paramedics having an ECG. I broke down to one paramedic about my eating so hard that HE TOLD ME TO EAT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW AND IF I CHOKE HE HAD THE EQUIPEMENT TO SAVE ME. I still couldn’t do it. I even bought things to monitor my ketone levels as I’m a veterinary nurse I understand a lot of science behind things and I had lost 2 stone in 4 weeks from not eating or drinking a single thing. I then sent my self into non-diabetic starvation ketone scidosis which then lead me to be in hospital with more time off work inbetween the times I couldn’t go into work because of anxiety, or because anxiety had kept me up all night I was exhausted the next day. Or because I left work because of anxiety attacks. It was horrendous. I had multiple tests done for ALL SORTS OF THINGS. X-rays of chest, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests, urine tests, faecal tests, BP, ECGS just everything you can imagine. They found nothing. I then got referred to psychiatricw ward in hospital because they thought I was going insane as I was yelling at the doctors they aren’t looking hard enough there is something wrong with me. My parents were about to admit me to priory despite not being able to afford it.
Anyway over time I got onto meds - antidepressants and had lots and lots of therapy. To this day - 11 months on and I’m still crying that I can’t eat. I really do struggle. However I’m so much better than I was. I’m not up at night worrying about swallowing saliva all night, I’m not having panic attacks anymore. I’m able to eat small tiny mouthfuls of food - better in the morning with a huge bottle of drink. But I still lunge my self forward with every swallow, cry after thinking I’ve inhaled it. Cover my mouth as I try to swallow, grab something. Cough after. Spit food out etc etc. I still get so many chest pains. I still wonder when will it ever end and will I ever be able to scoff my face again. I’m now 11 stone. Frail and weak but also silver linings I’m near my goal weight I’ve always wanted to be since the age of 16!! I take many many supplements and try to make nutritious smoothies most the day to get some fruit and veg in. I weirdly find chicken, cheese and chocolate the easiest things to eat. I’ve seen a ENT doctor and had a Nasoendoscope 3 times. Possible nerve damage but can’t be sure. But my doctors are still all adamant it’s psychological. I’m still coming up with diagnosis for myself, cancer, gallbladderstones, heart disease, COPD, lungs are actually full of food etc. but I’m trying my hardest to keep eating solid foods and powering through. But it is the most tiring and draining thing I’ve ever been through, if I don’t eat I feel so tired and my body hurts everywhere but if I do it I’m panicky tired and done all day thinking about food and trying to eat it. Let alone the fact it takes me 2 hours to eat half a kids sized dinner if that. Possibly even 4 mouthfuls. I’m now have a barium swallow booked in, then if nothing a gastroenterologist to have an endoscope in my intestines etc. if nothing then therapy it is, severe therapy.
Anyway that’s my story. There is a lot missing symptoms and how bad things actually got with phone calls to people and my overall anxiety let alone the relationships were being effected by all this. Then to top it off half way through my recovery from this my parents split up and there’s been a whole lot of drama. I’ve then had to move out with my partner because the drama at home and everyone crying all the time was triggering bad anxiety and eating. I the rescued a stray kitten from my job and had the joys and stress of raising that with a partner who is allergic and hates cats.
But regardless I’ve come a long way in the 11 months, I am now the happiest I’ve ever been - seeing friends and family regularly going out, feeling confident in my body and I have my own place, my own responsibility and my own pet who brings us so much joy. However, I still can’t eat, I still cry and it still feel SO UNBELIEVABLY UNCOMFORTABLE with every bite and swallow.
Please someone tell me it gets better.

(Side note: This entire post has spoilers for all of Danganronpa. I spent an hour working on this, so enjoy!)
I love yuri. That's all you need to know on why I made this. Anyway, we're ranking all girls from THH, GD and v3 that participated in the killing game based on how gay they are, so, 24 girls to rank. If you disagree with any of my picks, feel free to comment your opinion. But for now, let's start.
For the first few, we're going to be covering the gals who canonically like boys. So, let's start:
24-18 : Not gay.

1. Junko Enoshima.

I feel like Junko is in a similar situation to Celestia. She did have a boyfriend in the past, however, she killed him because she wanted maximum despair onto herself, which does imply she's attracted to men. However, DR3 is really what pushes her straightness to her limits. She manipulates two girls throughout it, Mukuro and Mikan, who willingly obey her, but Junko chooses to reciprocate none of their feelings, constantly pushing them around and testing them. I don't see any universe where this is seen as gay.

1. Celestia Ludenburg.

Okay, yes, this seems confusing to put her this low, but let me explain. In Case 3, she says at the end that with the money she got, she would plan to hire men around the world as vampire butlers to be her servants. She never said anything about vampire maids, so, the way I interpret this, I think she might be the only Danganronpa girl whose confirmed as straight. I suppose you could make an argument against this, but this is how I've always interpreted it.

1. Peko Pekoyama.

Again, this may seem confusing to put this low, but let me explain. Peko grew up with the idea that she had to protect Fuyuhiko no matter what and that she was merely a tool for him. In my opinion, I don't believe she'd have any feelings for girls because to her, Fuyuhiko was the only option. Not to mention she gets uncomfortable when Teruteru fantasises about her and Ibuki together (though that's honestly pretty normal).

1. Maki Harukawa.

I've already triggered a lot of femslash shippers with this one, and triggering Kaemaki shippers will probably be my biggest offense in this list. I could see an argument for her being bi, but she canonically had feelings for a guy because of how they treated her. I see her as more attracted to masculinity in my opinion, so, I'm going to place her at 21.

1. Kyoko Kirigiri.

To the Kirizono shippers out there, I'm sorry but it's the most overrated DR femslash ship. Anyway, onto my reasoning. Kyoko is in a similar situation to Maki, where she is canonically dating Makoto (Side note: I don't 100% know if this is true or not since I haven't watched DR3 but based on a lot of videos I've seen of Makoto and Kyoko in DR3, I think the comments are right). But, could she also possibly have feelings for girls? I think she could. With Maki, Kaito's masculinity came into account, but Kyoko doesn't have the same feelings with Makoto, so while she isn't gay it all, I don't think gender would matter much to her.

1. Mukuro Ikusaba.

The sixteenth student is going pretty low on this list, at 20. Why? Well, in Danganronpa IF, which I know isn't canon but still should be taken seriously (so the Bible of Danganronpa), she has a crush on a guy, Makoto. This is kind of a Maki situation. I can see her also being attracted to girls, but Mukuro's sexuality is more determined by...whatever her feelings towards Junko are. I heard that Mukuro has incestuous feelings for Junko, but I don't think that was ever confirmed. So, I think 19 is a solid spot here.

1. Sakura Ogami.

Finishing off the not gay tier, we have Sakura Ogami. As most know, Sakura canonically has a boyfriend, Kenshiro. However, before people knew that, a lot of people were shipping Sakura and Aoi, and for good reason too. It's hinted in the game via Syo and Sakura literally committed suicide to avoid Aoi getting hurt again. Some may see this as just them being besties and having no relation to love, but personally, I think this is enough to have her be the least straight boykisser in Danganronpa.
17-15 : Probably not that gay
17: Akane Owari.
I'll be honest, Akane was a mess to put here. She does look up to Nekomaru a lot throughout the game similar to how Aoi did to Sakura, but Akane is a lot...well, more of an idiot than Aoi, and her sexuality is a bit of a mess since there's little canon evidence of it. So, I have to put her low at 17.
16: Sayaka Maizono.
Her having feelings for Makoto is not confirmed in the games, however, it is implied. I've said multiple times that in a non-despair AU, Naezono most likely would've been canon. But, I don't think Sayaka in particular should be particularly excluded from being gay, albeit it is unlikely. Personally I can see her liking girls, but when it comes to facts, I can't see Sayaka as gay.

1. Kirumi Tojo.

Kirumi has no record of being attracted to anyone. The Love Hotel could be seen as evidence, but that's not canon. So, I could see an argument argument her being gay, but Kirumi doesn't have any evidence I can give to her to say that, so, 15 seems appropriate.
14-8 : Pretty gay but also pretty straight.
14: Aoi Asahina.
Aoi is an Akane like situation. There's little canon evidence pointing towards it, but she seems like she would like both boys and girls in my opinion. Aoi in my opinion just doesn't seem like she'd discriminate and has shown equal feelings towards both guys and girls, so, 14 seems good.
13: Toko Fukawa.
I honestly don't know what I'm meant to say about Toko- it's like- Komaru and Byakuya exist, but- like, it's canon that she does like guys, but- okay, just- she probably likes both guys and girls, so, 13.
12: Sonia Nevermind.
What's better then one girl heavily implied to like boys but can't be excluded from being gay? Two girls heavily implied to like boys but can't be excluded from being gay! Gundham is the obvious choice here, since Sonia praises him constantly about his powers in Chapter 4 (and Chapter 4 only for some strange reason). However, her being gay is way more likely than Sayaka being gay, because of the DR3 us Soniaki shippers are holding onto her dear life, the Chiaki hug scene. However, while I do believe she does like girls, it's unlikely she's gay.

1. Angie Yonaga.

For the religious girl of this list, we have Angie Yonaga. I don't think Angie would discriminate when it comes to gender, but she does have evidence of being attracted to girls. She appears to have a sort of motherly side towards Himiko in Chapter 2, however, she fires against her in Chapter 2 as well, so it's unknown whether this can be seen as gay or not. So, 11 is appropriate here.

1. Mahiru Koizumi.

For 10, we have Mahiru Koizumi. Mahiru appears to have a more traditional view on things because of her past, but it has been hinted that she likes girls before. When Hiyoko said that they were going to take a bath together, Mahiru seems taken aback, implying that she did see the thing as lesbian at first, however when Hiyoko does mention they're both girls, Mahiru agrees. I can't really make an accurate prediction, but I think it's more likely than the others, so 10 fits here.

1. Miu Iruma.

Miu, like the last two, are hard to make an accurate prediction of. Similar to Hiyoko, she does something with Kaede that seems- well, gay. And by gay...she uh, tries to touch Kaede's breasts. However, her relationship with Keebo is also in the same boat, since she appears to be sexuality attracted to them...but- wait, Keebo canonically says they dont feel like a boy or a girl, so can I really call her straight as well as gay...? It's just kind of confusing, so, I'll just put her at 9.

1. Tsumugi Shirogane.

Tsumugi is difficult to make a conclusion out of. Her status in both worlds could possibly lead to her liking both. As an otaku, it's relatively likely that she's heard of yuri before and would most likely browse it, but that's mainly just a headcanon, albeit a very likely one. At the same time though, her reactions between men and women are mixed. She doesn't appear to be weirded out by Kaede makes a move on her, which doesn't seem like a normal reaction someone would have to the kind of things Kaede were saying, and at the same time, she compliments Kaede a lot. However, her moves on men are a lot more obvious, with the 3-4 scene. However, I see the fact that she's still willing to make friends with Kaede after her moves on her point to maybe her being more lesbian, so 8 feels fitting for her.

1. Chiaki Nanami.

Yes. Chiaki screams bisexual to me in my opinion, not because she in particularly likes boys and girls more than the other, but because boys and girls like her. Her death literally drove her entire class to despair, however, she never reciprocates any affection given towards her in the anime. I'd think she'd easily get along with anyone though.

1. Himiko Yumeno.

I know some people are wondering why I put her this high, but let me explain. Himiko is in a similar situation to Chiaki, where she has a lot of girls drawn towards her, but she never reciprocates their affection. However, with Himiko, she has just just drawn towards her and not boys, however she does ask Shuichi whether she's fallen for her in her final FTE with him, though their interactions seem relatively platonic. So, she's probably the most gay girl who's also pretty straight.
5-2: Pretty gay, probably not straight

1. Kaede Akamatsu.

Yeah, I thought she'd be lower too. As a protag, Kaede are particularly designed to be able to be shipped with everyone, and she does a good job with this. There's a reason why the Kaede harem exists. But with girls also comes boys, and Kaede doesn't do as well with boys according to the fandom. The only real boys she's shipped with are Shuichi, Rantaro and Kokichi, but the last one doesn't count since it's purely for the sake on Protag X Antag ships. Kaede can be paired with every girl but not every boy, so she fits as 7.

1. Ibuki Mioda.

Ibuki is in a similar situation to Kaede- she can easily get along with anyone in her cast, but, when it comes to compatability, she is way more likely to end up with one of the girls than the guys, but it's more likely with Ibuki since her most popular ship is not with a guy. So, I'd say she's 5 in terms of gayness.

1. Hiyoko Saionji.

Traditional Dancer Hiyoko Saionji baking up little miss cupca- okay, onto my reason. Hiyoko...well, has the bath scene as evidence. Something about her expression on her face when she told Mahiru they were going to bathe together heavily implies she was taking it in a lesbian way. It seems like she was trying to convince Mahiru that it was okay for them to take a bath together despite- okay, this is making me uncomfortable typing this. Just- 6, move on.

1. Mikan Tsumiki.

For the second most gay Danganronpa character, we have Mikan Tsumiki. Mikan, despite being manipulated, has been shown to be attracted to girls, and killed 5 and 4 to get higher on the list. Not to mention- she canonically tried to have children with Junko. Though- I'm not going what was going through her head. She was brainwashed, but like- she's a nurse. Unless...
🏳️‍⚧️
Okay- I'm just kidding, I'm not going to incorporate my headcanons into this. But yeah, she is incredibly gay, but she also appears to be attracted to men too, so she doesn't get Number One.
1: The gayest gay gay gay gay

1. Tenko Chabashira!

You all saw this coming. Tenko is a canonical lesbian. She hates men and sees them as degenerates, so she would most likely trust girls a lot more, showing she's not attracted to men. However, her canonical attraction to girls is shown with her interaction with Kaede and Himiko. Kaede called her cute one time and Tenko become a blushing mess, which very much seems like a romantic thing. On several occasions she has tried to get close to Himiko and protect her, and said that she wants to become like her. There's no denying it, Tenko Chabashira is incredibly gay.
In conclusion, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I'm just a very yuri obsessed Danganronpa fan. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this!

I yelled and woke with a start. Sweat dripped down my face. My breathing was hard and desperate. I could have sworn I had just been falling. The stickiness of sleep meddled with the cogs of my mind. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the gloom of my bedroom and I found myself alone, safe and warm. No danger here. My heart rate slowed and I chuckled nervously. Soon all fear had seeped from my mind and all memory of my dream had faded. I rolled out of bed and shivered. Quickly I pulled on a sweater and put on my furry slippers. It was cold in this cabin in the middle of the forest. Although internal plumbing and an electric generator had been added, there was still no central heating. This did not bother me much because I always enjoyed having an excuse to light the fire in the living room. I absolutely loved traditional fireplaces.

I was whistling happily in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of cold water as I poured fresh coffee beans into my electric grinder. The sound and smell of coffee being ground always made me content. As my coffee brewed in my French press I cracked two eggs into a bowel and began to whisk. Fifteen minutes later I carried a steaming hot cheese omelet and large mug of coffee out onto my front veranda. I stood in the open doorway, surveying the beauty of the outdoors in the early morning light. The air was cold and fresh; pregnant with complex mixtures of pine and lavender scents. I looked up to see the sky was a deep blue and devoid of all clouds. The thin, dark silhouettes of the trees that surrounded the cabin stood silent and ominous in the soft half-light of the morning. White coats of frost sparkled and melted on the grass as the sun climbed and brightened. I could hear the distant sound of the stream and the call of morning birds.

I sighed deeply with satisfaction and sat down on my wooden chair. This is what I loved more than anything. More than the city that bustles and bursts with busy human lives. More than squeezing myself between strangers on the tube. More than the sickening smell of the streets and the soulless lack of any natural sounds. In the city there were no crickets, no owls, no frogs. Out here there was an abundance of beauty. The trees were so patient and still. So very different from the rushed, ill-mannered commuters I had as my usual morning partners. I definitely preferred the trees. I took another deep breath. I blew on the steam that rose from my coffee mug and sipped cautiously. The coffee was rich and delicious and scalding hot. Perfect. I began to eat my omelet letting the serenity of nature continue to wash over me. My mood had not been so elated for many months and I was seriously thinking that I should move here full-time. Currently I was working as an English teacher and had decided to come out here to work on my novel and take a break from the city. From my life. Once my excellent breakfast was complete I walked back inside and decided to start a fire to warm up the cabin. As I stooped to check the small wicker basket near the fireplace, that should contain the dried firewood, my eyebrow arched when I found the basket empty. Huh? I could have sworn it was half-full yesterday. Puzzled, I picked up the basket. Soon I put on my large, worn black coat and made my way outside.

The frosted ground crunched under my large leather boots as I waded through the woods. Finding dry branches for the fire would be fairly difficult at this time of day as most of the ground was damp by now. However, my plan was just to dry them out in the oven before I used them. After spending a few minutes stooping to inspect sticks of various sizes and dampness I finally filled the basket. “Ok, time to go home.” I muttered aloud eagerly as I rubbed my hands together. The air was still cold enough to make my breath visible and I rubbed my hands together. Suddenly I stopped. I did not recognize where I was. But how? I had been exploring the woods for days now and not one time had I gotten lost.

My eyes darted back and forth and my head swiveled in confusion. Very soon a creeping panic began to climb from my stomach up into my lungs. My heart began to thump loudly. I looked up at the sun, the voice of my old man ringing in my mind, “Learn to navigate by the stars and sun and you’ll never lose your way”. I smiled, remembering his warm eyes and loud laughter. I missed him. I closed my eyes, concentrating. “Ok, that must be East, so that means I should walk…” I stretched out my arm and hand, index finger pointed. I turned on my heel. “North. That way.”

After a few moments I found my path blocked by a sudden sheer drop. I was facing an enormous quarry. My face blanched. “What… where the hell did this come from?” Again, panic seeped into my blood. “There aren’t any bloody quarries around here!” I moved forward to peek over the edge and peered down. The drop must be at least fifteen meters! I looked from left to right and saw no stairs or bridges. How the hell was I supposed to get across? My confusion grew and grew. Then I froze. There, lying at the bottom of the quarry, was a mangled body. The light in the sky was still too young to properly illuminate the quarry’s depths, but I could tell it was a body! My eyes bulged and my mouth opened wide with astonishment. “Jesus! Hello? Are you okay down there?” I yelled. Nothing but cold silence pressed against my ears. Suddenly I noticed a path that I had not seen before. It started to my right and wound down the slope before me. Quickly I started hurrying down towards the person; maybe I could still help? Soon I was at the bottom and I ran up to the body that lay still on the ground. As I got closer and the sun grew brighter I stopped dead. The body that lay crumpled at my feet was – me. “No way. There is just absolutely no way!” I shouted. I trembled as I took a step backward. My foot slipped on a large stone and I felt myself begin to fall to the ground.

Suddenly I yelped and my legs kicked out. I blinked in the sudden darkness and found myself on my sofa in the cabin’s living room. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I said out loud as I sat up. I felt the softness of the couch cushions beneath me, I could smell the citrus scents leftover from the wash I’d given them recently. I stood up, my breathing still fast. The large windows showed a stormy afternoon. Rain pelted the glass heavily and the wind howled loudly. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I repeated. I checked my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. I raked my brain, trying to figure out what was happening. But the details of my dream were fading. “I was in the forest looking for firewood. Then I found that body in the quarry.” It had been so real. I felt quite disoriented. Was I truly awake now? Or still asleep? And that body? What had been so terrible about it? The dream had already seeped away. I couldn’t remember.

Still confused I made my way quickly towards the front door. Just as I opened it there was a deafening peal of thunder and a bright fork of lightning lit up the darkling sky. My mouth dropped open. There, just beyond the veranda, as if it had always been there, was the quarry. That cliff! I closed my mouth. “But… how…” Ignoring the icy rain, I walked towards the edge and once again peeked over. In the cold light of another flash of lightening I saw my own body twisted and broken on the ground below. I gasped. My mind reeled. My heart fluttered. “What is going on?” I yelled looking around for some sort of explanation. When I looked back down again my face turned white. The body, my body, was gone. Suddenly I felt the eyes of a stranger on my back. A feeling of dread crept up my spine. A twig snapped. I spun around.

I stood face to face with my shadow. But he did not look like me. Not exactly. Darkness coated his body like a skintight suit and I could not tell what he was wearing. He may have even been naked for all I know. I could see most of his face and hair, but his eyes were cloaked entirely in semi-circles of shadow which fell below each of his brows. He seemed utterly unconcerned about the storm. “You poor thing. You poor, wretched thing.” When he spoke, his voice was not mine. It was deep and commanding, yet gentle. His words came out slow and calm, almost lulling, “I caught you as you fell. You can be at peace forever. But you must choose now.” He stretched out a tenebrous hand and pointed toward the edge of the cliff. Suddenly I noticed something new appear in his hands. It was a book. It was my book. The one I had been writing. Had I already finished it? Or had I just started?

He turned to one of the middle pages and read, “‘Life is the antithesis of peace. Death is the antithesis of suffering.’” He snapped the book closed and turned again to face me, “How trite. Yet, so often the plainest truths are. All you want is peace, is it not? You are right in thinking that life can never provide this.” A cold smile curled his lips. “Even the living forests you so admire are crawling with suffering and conflict. Even the trees that appear so peaceful, so still, are wordlessly fighting each other for light. Racing against each other to claim their own space. It is the nature of the living to struggle.” Confusion fought with terror in my mind. I stammered. “I…I don’t understand. What is this place? Who are you?” Suddenly the man robed in darkness leapt at me and clasped my wrist, “You know who I am”. Small, pale crimson lights flared to life like ignes fatui in the depths of his sockets. He began to pull me towards the edge. “No! Wait!” I shouted, digging my heels into the mud. But he was too strong. He snarled, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” and before I could stop myself I was crying from desperation. Then with a strength that could not be human he lifted me above his head, and threw me over the side of the quarry. Lightning flashed as the air rushed through my hair. I screamed as I plummeted to my death.

I yelled and woke with a start. I heard the soft beeping of monitors. I felt the scratchy linens of a hospital bed beneath me. Pain followed swiftly and exploded through my limbs. My voice was croaky and dry as I spoke, “Where…what the hell…what happened?” A nurse rushed to my side. “It’s alright love, you’ve ‘ad a bit of a tumble. Doctor’s got you all sorted. Just rest now”. Her voice was warm and comforting, like a cup of tea.

My memory returned to me slowly. My family did not own any cabin in the forest. The day of the accident I had been jogging in the woods and took my usual route near the abandoned quarry. I remember exactly what had happened. For a long time, I was overwhelmed with my work and underwhelmed with my life. I wanted nothing more than to finish my novel and bail on all my other responsibilities. My father had also recently died after a long and horrible fight with cancer and it was the first time I realized that at my age life stops providing and starts taking. I realized that soon all those things, all those people, I could once rely on were not going to last forever. An invisible fire was lit in my flesh and I felt my time was rapidly running out.

I jogged far, leaving the city limits. As I stood at the edge of that quarry, panting, my sadness hanging on me heavily, I had, for a moment, contemplated jumping. As I stared down, I imagined my broken body at the bottom of the cliff. Then, like in all my low moments, I let the cold inhumanness of the universe fill me up. With my eyes closed all I could hear was my mother crying over my father’s corpse. All the constant knocking of debt collectors on our door. All I could see were the endless medical bills flooding the postbox. All I felt was loneliness. A horrible, unrelenting, unsolvable loneliness. I had no great love, no amazing career, and my writing would never be good enough to publish. All I could feel was the gaping hole my father had left behind. It hurt. For just a moment I convinced myself I did not belong here anymore. My lips trembled. I walked right up to the edge. I felt my sadness swell in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly. I imagined taking a single step forward. It would be so easy. I imagined the air rushing past me. Falling to my doom. I imagined the horrible pain of the impact. But I also imagined the peace that would come after. A peace I craved. I imagined a picturesque cabin in the woods. A beautiful fireplace. A shelter from the city. A place where I could rest. It was in that moment of contemplative despair, before I could fully commit to the act, that the old unstable ground of the quarry crumbled beneath my feet and I had slipped from the edge and fell. Only the shadows were there to catch me.

Recovery was slow. My mother and sister came to visit me multiple times and made the stay at the hospital bearable. How many dreams had I had? How much had I awoken and then re-awoken? Could I be sure I was truly awake now? As I pondered this I tried to remember. But all I could recall was that very last dream. Those dark horrible eyes. The terror of that very last fall. In that moment, I had realized what I wanted. Now I felt rejuvenated in a way I had not felt for many years. The exhaustion of my spirit had finally been ameliorated. I actually looked forward to getting out of bed. I actually wanted to go to school again. My passion for teaching was reignited. Soon after my recovery I even managed to get my novel published but did not make much money.

Many years have passed since my fall and I’m in my 60s now and retired and have never married. I now know that those dreams were not just dreams. That phantom I confronted has remained with me. Whenever the stresses of life pile up and I become fatigued, he comes to me. He still waits for me. He is real. I see his eyes covered in shadow. Tiny pinpricks of crimson flicker therein. At first, I only saw him rarely; glimpses in dreams. As time went on and I grew older and weary of the world once more I began to see him in the corner of my room every night. What’s worse was that in those moments when I feel the lowest I found myself craving the solitude of that cabin. The peace it brought with it. All this I craved despite the price.

Last week I attended my mother’s funeral. It was a small affair, most of her friends having died many years before. I saw my sister there with her husband and children. They are so happy and full of life. I feel a pang of jealousy but also relief. My life was always to be a solitary one. My sister and I cried during the service. When we chatted later we tried in vain to comfort each other. I returned alone to my home in London while she returned home with her husband and children to Edinburgh. I really missed her a great deal.

Since the funeral I see him constantly. Often his shadow-hidden hand stretches out and he holds a revolver. But he does not mean to shoot me. No. He holds the revolver’s ivory handle toward me. Sometimes he holds out a hangman’s noose. Sometimes it’s a long, ornate dagger. Most recently he holds out a canister of helium gas. And a plastic bag for my head. Each time he does this I resist him. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even yell at him to leave. His face remains dark, stony and enigmatic.

None of this would scare me quite so much if I had not just realized one terrible detail. What turns my blood to ice from fear is that every time I see him he is infinitesimally closer. How had I not noticed before? Perhaps it was a kindness. Gooseflesh runs down my neck as I see him standing insidiously in my cold bedroom. He is near the edge of my bed now. He is patient and has respected my choice so far. Nevertheless, he holds out that same revolver. That same noose. That same dagger. I tremble with fright because I know I will not be able to resist him much longer. Perhaps soon I’ll know if this was all a dream too.

CW: mentions of ED, body shaming, body dysmorphia and just general complicated body image stuff.
I feel like at first, I was just SO happy to have managed to access surgery at all that the relief of that overwhelmed all my complicated feelings, especially as some of my close friends are folks who would love to be able to access surgery but can't for a variety of reasons. I feel doubly obligated to shut up and be grateful because I accessed my surgery through the NHS as there is just no way whatsoever I could have paid for it. The waiting lists for ts on the NHS are so fucking long and so it feels like such a momentous thing to have actually cross thed the finish line. And I'm SO glad my chest is flat now, I really , truly am, and I feel so lucky. But at the same time, as my recovery wears on and the last of the swelling recedes, I'm feeling really upset that I like. I don't like the way it looks.
I'm about 8 months post op, and I'm not entirely happy with how things went. On the day of surgery my surgeon unexpectedly switched from two incisions to doing one directly across my chest, this was literally two hours before the surgery happened, and whilst I'm not UNHAPPY with that call, it wasn't what I'd prepared myself for, or what I'd been picturing. If I'd known prior to this that my surgeon wanted to so one straight across incision, I'd have prioritised looking into that in my research and fed back whether that was the route I wanted to go, or if I'd rather any risk of dog ears or anything which may have been involved with two seperate incisions.
This happened at Parkside Hospital in London, by the way, and I think the reason for my subpar treatment is that I'm not the thinnest person. I'm in recovery for pretty severe ED. I was underweight for most of my teens and early twenties and it feels like a victory to not be struggling with that anymore, even though I really don't feel comfortable with the extra weight I've gained since. EVERY appointment I've had at Parkside, someone has made a comment about my weight with the implication that I should lose weight before the surgery despite only being marginally overweight and mentioning several times that I was in ED recovery.
I don't live in London so travelling for surgery took multiple hours. I made my way to my one week post-op appointment on public transport, mostly by myself (though a friend did meet me to shield me from people knocking into me on the tube). When I got there, the nurse removing my dressings said that things generally look better in the early days on thinner people, didn't offer to let me look in a mirror or anything, just gave me the additional dressings I needed, and then I left. I fucking wept on the train home it was horrible. Surgery had left me INCREDIBLY bloated and one of the ways I manage my anxiety about food is to prepare it myself, which I was also struggling to do due to the limited range of motion I had in my arms. Anyway the whole thing was just. Ugh. It was horrible.
As I've healed, my scar has become hypertrophic, with mild keloid formation which is ONLY occurring specifically at the centre of my chest, over my sternum, where I hadn't expected to have a scar in the first place. In general, I don't mind the look of hypertrophic scars, I actually think they're very beautiful, and my concern about keloids is that they can sometimes cause health issues. It's not that I think it's horrible, it's just that it feels. I don't know. I wish I'd been able to prepare for that in advance, but they told me that only two hours before the surgery happened, I didn't feel like I could say no, and I was scared about having to delay the surgery as I'd spent so much money just travelling to London and staying overnight to make sure I was there in the morning and the person who was going to be with me after surgery had paid to take an entire week of extra annual leave from work to be there. It was just. Horrible.
The way the incision has been closed has really begun to really bother me too. the scars are uneven at the sides of my chest, and there has been some uneven excess tissue left in my underarms, which makes my whole chest look kind of wonky and weird. Overall, I just really don't like the way everything has been executed, and even eight months on from the follow up experience, I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I feel like in some ways this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. At the same time, having this drastic shift in my appearance be so connected to so many comments about my weight has left me with self-esteem that's completely through the floor. I'm so releived I don't have to bind anymore, and I love how specifically that part of my body looks when it's covered with clothes. Otherwise, I feel this intense disgust with myself. I don't know how to navigate any of it. I've not spoken about this with anyone in my life. I don't know how. I'm not really in a position mentally where I think I could lose weight in a healthy way without seriously triggering my ED stuff.
I'm supposed to be going back for a follow up appointment but I don't want to. I don't want to speak to them ever again. I'm scared about them commenting on my body. I was told prior to the surgery that the NHS doesn't usually fund revisions and I can't afford to pay for them privately, and I absolutely would not want to do them at Parkside if I did want to go that route. I have delayed the appointment another couple of months but just thinking about it makes me feel sick, honestly.
I'm mostly just posting this here because I have just felt so fucking alone with this and I need to just say it, but I don't know how to talk about this with anyone in real life. It's really isolating and complicated and I feel so, so guilty.

DISCLAIMER: this post will be heavy. We are dealing with themes of racism, neo-nazi imagery, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and things of that sort. It would be not explained in details, but i will link articles talking about it in lenght. Please be careful while browsing!
Hello again people of Hobbydrama. This time my introduction will be brief since the post will probably be very long, just wanted to say: thank you for sticking with me. Remember to read the disclaimer and also be aware that this post might contain spoilers, particularly for Life Is Strange 1 and 3!
What the hell is Life Is Strange?
“Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah”
Life Is Strange is a series of adventure games published by Square Enix’s External Studios. Created by Dontnod Entertainment, the series debuted with its first installment which was released in five episodes throughout 2015 on PS3, PS4, XBOX 360, PC, iOS and Android. It also recived a remastered version for the Nintendo Switch in 2021. Which was…not very good tbh, but we don’t talk about that. The story of the first game revolves around Max Caulfield, a girl who discovers that she has the ability to rewind time at any moment, causing each of her choices to make events unfold differently. After predicting the arrival of a giant storm, Max will have to use her powers to try to save her city, Arcadia Bay. She starts this by saving her former best friend (and future love interest) Chloe Price by dying in a bathroom stall. Since that, the plot will also focus on the search of Rachel Amber, a girl who misteriously disappeared without leaving trace. The player’s actions will affect the game’s story, which can be rewritten once they are able to rewind time. The introduction of the possibility of rewinding time allows to go back and do any action differently from the one first done in certain narrative checkpoints. This structure also offers a polarity system: choices made modify and influence the story through short- or long-term consequences. I mean, technically is not really like that because the game has only two possible endings and the choices you make can’t change it, but they affect the way other characters see you and interact with you. Dialogue scenes can also be rewound by choosing a different response option. Once an event is restored the previously provided data can also be used in the future: for example objects found in the future will be preserved after rewinding time. This, as you can imagine, offers a lot of possibilities for puzzle mechanics and things of that sort.
The game was a massive success, winning a shiton of awards in the following years and gaining an immense fanbase. This was due to its emotionally raw plot dealing with themes such as depression and suicide, bullying, fear of abandonment, LGBTQ+ representation, growing up and of course time shenaningans that subjects the main character to an unbelivable amount of trauma! Yay! Jokes aside, the game was so succesfull that it spawned an entire franchise: a prequel with Chloe Price as a protagonist came out in 2017 and a comic spin-off) was published in 2018.
Also: Life Is Strange 2 and Life Is Strange 3 were made, but they are different stories with totally different characters not related with Max and Chloe in any means, besides some minor easter eggs. For the context of this post, is important to know that when Lis became a franchise, they started to explore different stories with different characters: the only one thing in common is that in this world some people have some kinds of superpowers for…reasons that are never really fully explained. Max had time-rewind, it’s heavily implied in the prequel that Rachel Amber had some kind of fire powers or, in alternative, powers very similar to Max’s based on what some characters says about her, Sean’s brother has telekinesis and Alex has an “emotional aura” reading ability
There are also rumors going on about an Amazon Prime series adapting the story of the first game, but nothing has came out of it at the time of writing this.
With that being said, let’s move on.
The weird dynamics between Dontnod and Square Enix
Now, before we focus on the gist of the drama, it’s important to clarify one thing: Dontnod no longer holds any ownership of the Life Is Strange franchise and doesn’t work on the series anymore, only SquareEnix and Deck Nine are in charge now. To explain why this happened we need to go on a tangent here.
Development of the first Life Is Strange began in April 2013: the idea of developing it in episodes was due to creative, marketing and, above all, financial reasons. Mind you, at the time Dontnod was a little french indie game developing company. Their debut title was Remember Me), which at first they wanted it to be a PlayStation 3-exclusive role-playing game, but was dropped by publisher Sony Interactive Entertainment in 2011 on account of cuts in funding. It was presented at Gamescom the same year to attract another publishing deal. The following year, Capcom Europe acquired the rights and reimagined it as an action-adventure game.
In 2013, Dontnod was the most subsidised studio with 600 000€ aid by the French agency Centre national du cinéma et de l’image animée (CNC), including aid for a new intellectual property project codenamed “What if?” (later retitled to Life is Strange to avoid confusion with the film of the same name.) for something like 200 000 euros. On 28 January 2014, Dontnod filed for rjudicial reorganisation, a form of receivership in France. The proceeding filing was discovered by Factornews and some media outlets like Polygon reported it as Dontnod filing for bankruptcy as a result of the poor sales of Remember Me. However, Dontnod responded to these reports explaining that they were in the process of “judicial reorganisation” to resize the company and denying bankruptcy..
In June 2014, Dontnod announced that they were working with Square Enix Europe on a new game, which was announced as Life Is Strange that year and released in 2015 over the course of five instalments, like i said earlier. The critical and commercial success of Life Is Strange caused Dontnod to be solicited by publishers, whereas they previously had to pursue publishers themselves. Is also important to note that Life Is Strange received attention for the choice to include a female protagonist in the game. Before signing the collaboration with Square Enix, Dontnod had in fact encountered distrust from the curators of the project, who had attempted to insert a male protagonist in Max’s place. Baiscally, Square Enix was the only company that was willing to publish them without questioning the gender of the main character. Remember this, because it will be important later.
Following the release and success of the first Life is Strange, publisher Square Enix chose American developer Deck Nine to develop a prequel game focusing on the life of Chloe Price, while the Dontnod team began developing a direct sequel. Development on the prequel began in 2016 with assistance from Square Enix’ London Studios. Ashly Burch, who voiced Chloe in Life Is Strange, was replaced by Rhianna DeVries due to the SAG-AFTRA strike. However, Burch and Hannah Telle (Max’s VA) both reprised their roles for the bonus episode “Farewell.” The script for the game was over 1,500 pages, written by lead writer Zak Garriss and a writers’ room. Remember this name because it will come up again.
Prior to its official announcement, images had leaked online indicating that a prequel to Life Is Strange was in development. Finally, Square Enix revealed Life Is Strange: Before the Storm on 11 June during Microsoft’s E3 2017 presentation. At that time, Dontnod had declared that prospective follow-ups to Life Is Strange would feature new characters and locations to the original, with the developers feeling that Max and Chloe’s story had run its course over the first two games. Game co-director Raoul Barbet explained that

“It’s a question we asked ourselves at the beginning. Is it Max and Chloe, Arcadia Bay? No, it’s about everyday characters, relatable characters with stories you can involve yourself in, because it reflects your own experiences. With some supernatural stuff on the top.”

Michel Koch added that

“everyone loved Max, Chloe, Rachel. But their story…it’s done. We have nothing more to tell. We don’t want to. Other people will do it, and it’s okay. But for us, we have nothing more to do. Take them and do whatever you want.”

You can read the full interview here
However this would turn out to not be entirely true follwing recent events, but let’s leave this information for later.
Development on Life Is Strange 2 began in early 2016 as the first game shipped its physical edition. Michel Koch and Raoul Barbet returned to direct the sequel, with Christian Divine and Jean-Luc Cano reprising their roles as co-writers.. The game, despite its very heavy advertising campaign, recived a mixed reception from the audience if not downright negative. The main criticism, besides problems with the writing, the characters and the story, was that people…simply didn’t really care about a new cast, to be honest. Particularly when they are not written as good as the character from the first game. They would have much preferred a sequel with Max and Chloe. Keep this also in mind, because it will be important in a bit.
At the same time, Deck Nine began working on True Colors after completing Before the Storm in 2017. You can probably notice that for this new chapter they decided to return to an episodic format (Life Is Strange Before The Storm was released all in once, for context I was wrong, it was relased episodically, the difference is that there was a "complete season" version earlier than the first game! It was also the first Lis game to contain a DLC), just like the first game and Lis 2, both made by Dontnod.
Now, it’s also important to specify that Before The Storm was also recived lukewarmly, mainly because the plot felt rushed and a lot of very important lore bits of the first game weren’t even addressed, like how the fuck Rachel ended up in the dark room. You know…it was just the main reasons people were exited to play the prequel in the first place.
For context, in Lis 1 there are many moments where it is hinted that Rachel tried to deceive and manipulate Chloe, all so she could escape Arcadia Bay without her. In short: Rachel is not depicted as a good person in this game. There is even an entire section where Max finds out that Rachel was cheating on Chloe with her drug dealer. People were intrigued by this and wanted to know what Rachel’s deal was: was she a good person? Was she evil? How did she die? Did she also had powers? Did she caused the tornado? Is she the tornado? Did she passed down her powers to Max?
When the prequel was announced everyone went ballistic. Are we finally going to play as her? Well, no. Instead we got a story centered around Chloe (which we already knew well thanks to the first game), no powers, weird gameplay based on literally insulting npcs and very little of Rachel. Additionally she was depicted as a strangely different character, way more nicer than the first game made by the original developers probably intended. Her entire affair with the drug dealer was…simply not mentioned at all despite being a crucial point to the lore? Plus we got this post credits scene that literally explained nothing and in fact raised even more questions that would never be answered. Thanks!
Back to the point: when Life Is Strange 3 came out it was recived equally lukewarmly in some points. (clarification needed: it was COMMERCIALLY recived better than Lis 1 and 2, it won a shiton of awards too. I'm talking mainly about a section of the fanbase. Obviously there were also people who liked it, however the point is another here.) Many people pointed out that it’s so similar to the first game in terms or plot, general vibe and characters that it feels almost like a blatant copy. The protagonist is a socially awkard, introverted nerdy bisexual girl with a loudmouth, reckless, secretly nerdy lesbian punk-girl love interest and the plot concerns a disapperance of a person, that Alex and Steph need to investigate onto. Sounds familiar yet?
Also, people argued that Alex and Max share a very similar name, they make the literal same pose on the cover of their respective games and Steph was redesigned to look very similar to Chloe, hat and all..
For some people, it was pretty evident that after the lukewarm reception of BtS and Lis 2 and the complaints about it being too different from the established formula, Square Enix wanted to win back the love of former fans who liked the ideas of the original game. The problem is that they didn’t quite understood why the Dontond game had that impact on people, and borrowed from it only the most superficial aspects. The point is that people liked the first game because the characters were alive, with motivations, they were original and capable of making you really empathize with them. The plot was engaging and the mechanics were something new never seen in the video game industry (at that time). People liked the way the story was written and the way the game played, not necessarily the presence of Max and Chloe. People just wanted new protagonists that were written at least as good as them, basically.
So basically the way of thinking in some parts of the fandom was on the line of: rather than trying to poorly imitate Max and Chloe in a new game with an “original story” (do not steal) in a desperate attempt to regain the fans’ admiration, making a direct sequel to the first game with those characters would have been a better choice.
The comic spin-off with Max and Chloe wasn’t doing that good either. Well, it was a commercial success but the fanbase didn’t really liked it that much.. For context: it was not published by Dontnod or Square Enix, the people behind it were from Titan Comics. The series is set one year after the events of the original Life is Strange, and is a continuation to one of two of the games possible endings, known as the “Sacrifice Arcadia Bay” ending. It is written by Emma Vieceli, with interior art by Claudia Leonardi and coloring by Andrea Izzo. In fact the team behind it is entirely italian, which i find very cool as an italian myself. However, the problems were the same as said before: weird plot, character assasinations, introducing new powers for Max that make absolutely no sense, (now she is able to have “visions” of a different timeline and mess with the literal course of time without any real explanation or sensible motivation for WHY she is capable to do this all of a sudden) and in general they read a lot like a bad fanfiction.
Also i think it’s important to mention that the comics gave us a timeline in which Rachel is alive and she is in a romantic relationship with Chloe, while Max is their third wheel friend. I find this extremely hilarious so take this pic. It fucking kills me everytime.
So, to sum up all this mess before going on: Dontnod doesn’t own the intellectual property of Life Is Strange anymore. This happened after Lis 2, for reasons not yet disclosed. Square Enix and Deck Nine are now the heads of the entire franchise and they are not the best at managing it. In a desperate attempt to reach Dontnod success following the bad reception of BtS and Lis 2, they basically copied and pasted the entire plot of the first game (or at least borrowed a lot of context from it) for Lis 3, causing a sensible distaste in some parts of the fanbase.
The hidden hate imagery and the abuse scandal
Ok. Now we are quitting being funny and silly. This is the section were it starts to get REALLY dark REALLY suddenly. So please, keep in mind that i’m hovering a gigantic trigger warning over your head. All the links in this section can be extremely triggering for some people. Read the disclaimer, please. Are we good? Good. Now we can talk about the more recent news that literally throwed the fandom in a maniacal frenzy.
An article (GIGANTIC TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS ONE) was published by IGN the 5th April 2024, in which it’s described a very strange and disturbing episode that happened in the Deck Nine offices.
IMPORTANT INFO SINCE SOME PEOPLE WERE CONFUSED: I report the article as faithfully as possible given that in its entirety it could be considered uncomfortable by some people. Please be aware that I have copy pasted parts. This is not to plagiarize, I'm not saying that the contents of this article or the points of this speech are my own words. Keep in mind that it is only to give everyone a fair perspective, especially for people who may not like the mentions of certain things in the original article. However excuse me, i should have clarified this earlier. Thanks for everyone that spoke on this.
To put it simply since the article is very long, during the development of the fourth Life Is Strange game near the end of 2022, a few developers stumbled upon hate symbols hidden in the textures. They initially noticed a reference to the number 88, but they simply tought it was an unfortunate coincidence. It was just a number, right? Maybe their boss didn’t knew the implications of it. But then they quickly started to find more problematic and inequivocable signs, such as references to a racist meme, the number 18, and the Hagal rune.. It was definetly not a mistake: someone was putting those simbols there on purpose.
The weirdest thing is that weeks went by, then months, and management remained strangely silent about this. The incriminated assets remained in the game and people started to get really nervous for obvious reasons. At the end, they removed the symbols but the culprit was never discovered. Again, very strange. The company was behaving almost as if they were trying to defend however was behind this attack. This issue however, literally opened the fucking Pandora’s box.
According to current and former employees across several departments, most of whom have chosen to remain anonymus, Deck Nine’s management has caused a very toxic work culture. They claim the C-suite has protected multiple abusive leaders, encouraged crunch, and allowed bullying of individuals advocating internally for more authentic representation in Life Is Strange. Yeah, you heard that right.
Square Enix in particular was another whole can of worms: the employees said that the company was way too “defensive” of the script of True Colors. In the sense that they seemed oddly reluctant or outright hostile to the diverse themes and ideas that Life Is Strange has always explored. For instance, multiple people recalled an incident during True Colors development where Square Enix told multiple developers they didn’t want Life Is Strange to be thought of as the “gay game.” Which…you know, it’s very weird coming from a franchise that, when under Dontnod management, was always pretty open about its bisexual protagonists.
Well, theoretically Max and Sean are driven entirely by the choice of the player, so they are “playersexual”. You can choose what gender to romance in both games, in theory. However, Max is way more implied to be canonically bi or at least to have a crush on Chloe indipendetly by your choice in the original game, while Sean is more “open” in that sense. However, the main point is not really that. Is that Lis as a franchise always explored queer themes, so this kind of reaction by Square Enix is pretty odd. They knew what they were working with, right? Mallory Littleton, a narrative designer who worked on Life Is Strange under Deck Nine, even said that

”There’s a lot of press out there praising True Colors for having the first bisexual lead in a Life Is Strange game, even if in our press guides from Square Enix, all the way up until review copies were out, we were not to say anything about Alex’s sexuality, period, at all. And then they did the advance copies, and all of these reviews came out saying how amazing it was to finally see an explicitly bi protagonist, and after that, Square was like, just kidding, Alex is absolutely, canonically, 100% bisexual.”

Additionally, multiple sources gave the impression that Deck Nine’s relationship with Square Enix for Life Is Strange was one of money convenience rather than a deep appreciation for the series. Square Enix liked that Deck Nine was willing to do the game for a lower budget than other studios, while Deck Nine needed a good IP, so the deal was born solely for economical convenience However, many developers said that the people in charge of Deck Nine seemed seriously unprepared for dealing with a game with “serious” themes, especially when it came to thoughtful portrayals of diverse individuals. And this is when the real shit started. I won’t go into much detail (read the article if you are curious) but people reported a SHITON of accounts of sexual harassment, bullying and transphobia.
Remember Zack Garris? Well, sources say that he began forming close relationships with a number of younger women, often in situations where he had some mentorship or power over them. He was basically love bombing them, staying late at the studio talking to them, inviting them to lunch, dinner, movies or even to his house. He would also instigate personal conversations and text some of this women after work hours about personal topics. If you want more info about his (frankly disgusting) shenaningans, once again read the article.
It doesn’t stop here however.
In short: nobody, male or female, was able to tell him “no” when he crossed personal boundaries due to his status. This feeling only increased over time, with several people reporting incidents of him lashing out against those who disagreed with his decisions. This was especially true with people fighting for more sensitive portrayals of diverse characters. A woman named Tate Littleton, for instance, recalled being formally reprimanded for criticizing Garriss’ reluctance to allow women in his scripts to express anger. Basically he didn’t think representation mattered because “he didn’t necessarily identify with every white man protagonist, and so other people shouldn’t identify with characters because they look the same.”
The main episode that made this entire thing knew in the first place was the removal of a transgender character from True Colors that took place very late in development. Which, again, sounds really unusual considering the type of media Lis has always been. Additionally, two anonymous employees declared that in 2020 Garriss called BLM a hate group when the team at Deck Nine wanted to post something for the protests that were happening in America. In another example he fought weirdly hard for a twist on True Colors’ final choice that a number of writers pointed out included a problematic portrayal of migrant workers (it eventually was removed, so at least we have that i guess). He would also go daily on rants about how everyone was being “too political”. There was also another instance of a scene Garriss wrote for True Colors that the writers felt they had to fight him excessively to change. For those who don’t know, in the final script of True Colors the main character Alex is taken into the woods by Jed, who she view as a friend at this point of the story. He betrays her, shooting her and missing, causing her to fall into an abandoned mine shaft. However, in Garriss’ original version, Jed spikes her drink at a bar and takes her out to the woods for an attempted murder. When they saw this version of the scene, a number of people pushed back, arguing that the scene would unintentionally cause associations with date rape. Multiple individuals had to fight extensively with Garriss about this scene before it was eventually changed.
Additionally, Garris distanced himself from his team of writers. He and another lead would make most of the story decisions, rewriting work from other writers without allowing them the opportunity to give feedback, even on stories centering marginalized characters. Toward the end of True Colors development, Deck Nine implemented a new, anonymous performance evaluation tool: this is what caused all of this to surface recently, mind you, we would have never known if it wasn’t for this. Some time time later, Garriss quit the team voluntarily. But this wasn’t the end: True Colors launched to critical acclaim, and following the wave of its commercial success, Deck Nine parared immediatly the development of another Lis game. But it was struggling with one plot point apperently, and the leadership suggested to bring Garriss back to fix it. As you can probably imagined, the narrative team went insane. Everyone begged them not to bring him back in a series of meetings, messages, emails, everything. HR was even involved at some point and they even suggested that Deck Nine would be legally liable for Garriss’ behavior if they invited him back after the shiton of reports. When the company CEO and CFO persisted in arguing that they needed Garriss, multiple writers handed in resignations. Finally, management relented and the man did not return.
You probably get the vibe at this point. It was a mess. However, Garris later tried to defend himself against the accusations, but he was ultimately never called back again. At least not officially. Because he then landed at Telltale Games, which was working on a project in close partnership with Deck Nine at the time. Only a few months after his departure, several of those who had protested his return were told that a few narrative team members had been holding story breaking sessions at Garriss’ home. So…ok i guess?
However, this is not even the main tea. Remember when i said that Dontnod abandoned the franchise after the second chapter and it was never clarified why? Well, it’s theorized that the main reason why they went away it’s because Square Enix wasn’t willing to make them publish what they wanted in Life Is Strange. Which is incredibly sad and ironic considering the development issues the first game had. The main proof people point over this is another game made by Dontnod in 2020 called “Tell Me Why”, which stars a trans male protagonists and is objectively very similar to a Lis game without being really a Lis game. The main character has supernatural powers, the gameplay is identical, the story has a very similar vibe, you get the gist. The analogies were…a little bit too close for some people. Now, it’s important to remember that this are only speculations and nothing is being officially confirmed, but judging by the time coincidence and what surfaced recently, some people started to think that Dontnod published this game indipendently because Deck Nine and Square Enix didn’t want the main character to be trans. Which honestly kinda makes sense. However, another thing happened that fueled the speculations even more: Dontnod has recently annuced their new game, “Lost Records”, which they directly called a “spiritual successor to Life Is Strange”. They even stated that in this game they will insert ideas that they would have liked to explore with Max and Chloe in Lis sequels, which they can no longer produce since the franchise and those characters are no longer in their hands. Quoting from this article:

”When we started to work on the very first Life Is Strange a long time ago, we had no publishers. We didn’t know exactly where we would sell the game or…if we would even sell it. […] At this time, we were in need of publishing, and Square was interested in buying the games; they bought the rights for it, and they bought the franchise. […] But since they bought the franchise, our hands were tied. We couldn’t really work as we wanted on what paths the character should go, what kind of game we could make, and how we would like to make the franchise evolve.”

Which in retrospect many tought all of this sounded really weird. Didn’t they said years ago that their vision of the series was always to make stories with different characters and that Chloe and Max’s story was “over”? Many people tought this was a weird claim and so speculations started.
Many belive that the initial plan was to have at least a proper sequel to Lis 1 under their management, but the idea went to shit when Deck Nine and Square Enix acquired the IP for BtS, gaining effective ownership to the franchise and to Max and Chloe. Dontnod could not effectively use those character anymore and so they were obligated to create something new.
This theory gains credibility when we take into consideration the fact that recently a leak about a supposed sequel to the first game with Max and Chloe surfaced. Is important to note that in 2021 there was also another leak in which a person predicted very specific details about True Colors when it was still codenamed “Siren”, basically describing correctly the plot, the final title, the name of the protagonist and her powers. They even predicted the remastered of the first game! Additionally, at the end of the post they mention that the team was looking to make a Lis 1 follow up game with Max and Chloe, so the more recent leak was lining up almost scarily with the former. Another thing that adds fuel to the fire is the fact that the leaker mentioned to have saw an initial concept of this idea in 2022 during a survey in which they showed some future Lis content and apparently there was also an NDA involved. However, since this idea (mainly the bit when they describe Max being able to jump into different timelines) is very similar to what ended up happenning in the comics, some people tought it was simply a scrapped idea that they later reworked into the spin-off. Others instead think that the comics served to introduce us to this very concept and that they are still working on this supposed game. At this point in time we don’t know what the future olds, but it’s confirmed thanks to the article concerning the hate symbols scandal, that a fourth Lis game is currently being worked on. However, we don’t know if it’s that sequel the leaker mentioned or an entire different thing.
The aftermath
So…yeah. As you can probably guess, this situation is a total mess. The fandom is still trying to process what happened, and many are unsure whether to continue supporting the series or not, given everything that happened behind the scenes. It created a bit of a Blizzard situation, if you know what I’m talking about.
Personally, I’m a huge fan of the first Life Is Strange and it played a huge part in my growth. The other games didn’t fascinate me as much as the first tbh, but I loved Arcadia Bay and its world, Max and Chloe, the mystery, the characters, the story, the emotions. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was the game that changed my life and helped me come to terms with my sexuality. Seeing two girls get together romantically like this in a video game really triggered something in me. It helped me understand that my feelings weren’t wrong. That I wasn’t alone. That i wasn’t broken. I know that probably sounds very cheesy and cringe, but it’s the way it is and I can’t help it. You can imagine what my reaction was when I witnessed this mess unfold irl. In a way I felt hurt. It’s strange to think that a saga that has done so much for me is being run by people who would like to see me dead. Or at the very least, people who were not that open as they liked to present themselves. And I don’t have an answer to the question “should we still support this video game?” Honestly I do not know. On one hand I feel sorry for all the creatives who desperately tried to make Life Is Strange something special despite everything, but at the same time… my god. What the fuck.
I can’t help but wonder how Life Is Strange could have been if it remained under Dontnod’s creative control: what kind of stories they would tell, what future they would invent for Max and Chloe, what adventures they would get into. But maybe it’s better this way. Those girls have grown up, they went trought a lot, and maybe we just need to learn to let them go. After all, isn’t it the entire point of the game? Learning to grow? As for me, I will continue to replay Life Is Strange 1 periodically, I will continue to be part of the frankly amazing community that is the Lis fandom, I will continue to read fanfictions and support fan creations, being it fangames or fanarts. Because they can never take it away from me. They can’t take it away from us. Never.
Thank you for reading this far, i hope it was interesting and that you learned something new.
That being said…quit with the sad bullshit! I want to use this section to shoutout a fellow creator that is currently working on a fan-made sequel of the first game: Life Is Strange After the Storm. If you like this kind of stuffs, make sure to follow him on twitter and to support the project!
Ok now i’m really over. See ya!
EDIT: added clarifictions in the True Colors section. Changed a link in there too (i realized i put the wrong thing). Corrected some BtS informations. Added a clarification in the article section. Edited some formatting and corrected grammatical errors. Added a link in the Hagal rune section. Uncensored the word "nazi", since a person wrote me in private to make me know that my post would not be put down now that it's approved. Rephrased some words to not make them sounds hostile, since a lot of people were getting on my troath for this. I would also like to clarify while i'm here that i don't hate Lis 3 in its entirety nor i'm alluding that Lis 1 has not recived any valid criticism, since people are putting words in my mouth that i did, in fact, not say.
ALSO IMPORTANT CAVIAT: you are not in the wrong if you liked True Colors! It's ok! The game has it's moments and can absolutely be good. In fact, i personally liked some of its plot points and ideas. A good amount of people recived it very well. In this post i'm talking about general negative fan reception to explain why many people are growing disillusioned with the series and to make clear why people criticize it more than the first game, i'm not saying your tastes are bad/you are in the wrong. It's ok to like different things.

I yelled and woke with a start. Sweat dripped down my face. My breathing was hard and desperate. I could have sworn I had just been falling. The stickiness of sleep meddled with the cogs of my mind. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the gloom of my bedroom and I found myself alone, safe and warm. No danger here. My heart rate slowed and I chuckled nervously. Soon all fear had seeped from my mind and all memory of my dream had faded. I rolled out of bed and shivered. Quickly I pulled on a sweater and put on my furry slippers. It was cold in this cabin in the middle of the forest. Although internal plumbing and an electric generator had been added, there was still no central heating. This did not bother me much because I always enjoyed having an excuse to light the fire in the living room. I absolutely loved traditional fireplaces.
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I was whistling happily in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of cold water as I poured fresh coffee beans into my electric grinder. The sound and smell of coffee being ground always left me feeling content. As my coffee brewed in my French press I cracked two eggs into a bowel and began to whisk. Fifteen minutes later I carried a steaming hot cheese omelet and large mug of coffee out onto my front veranda. I stood in the open doorway, surveying the beauty of the outdoors in the early morning light. The air was cold and fresh; pregnant with complex mixtures of pine and lavender scents. I looked up to see the sky was a deep blue and devoid of all clouds. The thin, dark silhouettes of the trees that surrounded the cabin stood silent and ominous in the soft half-light of the morning. White coats of frost sparkled and melted on the grass as the sun climbed and brightened. I could hear the distant sound of the stream and the call of morning birds.
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I sighed deeply with satisfaction and sat down on my wooden chair. This is what I loved more than anything. More than the city that bustles and bursts with busy human lives. More than squeezing myself between strangers on the underground train. More than the sickening smell of the streets and the soulless lack of any natural sounds. In the city there were no crickets, no owls, no frogs. Out here there was an abundance of beauty. The trees were so patient and still. So very different from the rushed, ill-mannered commuters I had as my usual morning partners. I definitely preferred the trees. I took another deep breath. I blew on the steam that rose from my coffee mug and sipped cautiously. The coffee was rich and delicious and scalding hot. Perfect. I began to eat my omelet letting the serenity of nature continue to wash over me. My mood had not been so elated for many months and I was seriously thinking that I should move here full-time. Currently I was working as an English teacher and had decided to come out here to work on my novel and take a break from the city. From my life. Once my excellent breakfast was complete I walked back inside and decided to start a fire to warm up the cabin. As I stooped to check the small wicker basket near the fireplace, that should contain the dried firewood, my eyebrow arched when I found the basket empty. Huh? I could have sworn it was half-full yesterday. Puzzled but not at all alarmed I picked up the basket. Soon I put on my large, worn black coat and made my way outside.
​
The frosted ground crunched under my large leather boots as I waded through the woods. Finding dry branches for the fire would be fairly difficult at this time of day as most of the ground was damp by now. However, my plan was just to dry them out in the oven before I used them. After spending a few minutes stooping to inspect sticks of various sizes and dampness I finally filled the basket. “Ok, time to go home.” I muttered eagerly as I rubbed my hands together. The air was still cold enough to make my breath visible and I rubbed my hands together. Suddenly I stopped. My eyebrows furrowed. I did not recognize where I was. But how? I had been exploring the woods for days now and not one time had I gotten lost.
​
My eyes darted back and forth and my head swiveled in confusion. Very soon a creeping panic began to climb from my stomach up into my lungs. My heart began to thump loudly. I looked up at the sun, the voice of my old man ringing in my mind, “Learn to navigate by the stars and sun and you’ll never lose your way”. I smiled, remembering his warm eyes and loud laughter. I missed him. I closed my eyes, concentrating. “Ok, that must be East, so that means I should walk…” I stretched out my arm and hand, index finger pointed. I turned on my heel. “North. That way.”
​
After a few moments I found my path blocked by a sudden sheer drop. I was facing an enormous quarry. My face blanched. “What… where the hell did this come from?” Again, panic seeped into my blood. “There aren’t any bloody quarries around here!” I moved forward to peek over the edge and peered down. The drop must be at least fifteen meters! I looked from left to right and saw no stairs or bridges. How the hell was I supposed to get across? My confusion grew and grew. Suddenly I froze. There, lying at the very bottom of the quarry, just near the cliff’s bottom, was a mangled body. The light in the sky was still too young to properly illuminate the quarry’s depths, but I could tell it was a body! My eyes bulged and my mouth opened wide with astonishment. “Jesus! Hello? Are you okay down there?” I yelled. Nothing but cold silence pressed against my ears. Suddenly I noticed a path that I had not seen before. It started to my right and wound down the slope before me. Quickly I started hurrying down towards the person; maybe I could still help? Soon I was at the bottom and I ran up to the body that lay still on the ground. As I got closer and the sun grew brighter I stopped dead. The body that lay crumpled at my feet was – me. “No way. There is just absolutely no way!” I shouted. I trembled as I took a step backward. My foot slipped on a large stone and I felt myself begin to fall to the ground.
​
Suddenly I yelped and my legs kicked out. I blinked in the sudden darkness and found myself on my sofa in the cabin’s living room. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I said out loud as I sat up. I felt the softness of the couch cushions beneath me, I could smell the citrus scents leftover from the wash I’d given them recently. I stood up, my breathing still fast. The large windows showed a stormy afternoon. Rain pelted the glass heavily and the wind howled loudly. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I repeated. I checked my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. I raked my brain, trying to figure out what was happening. But the details of my dream were fading. “I was in the forest looking for firewood. Then I found that body in that quarry.” It had been so real. I felt quite disoriented. Was I truly awake now? Or still asleep? And that body? What had been so terrible about it? The dream had already seeped away. I couldn’t remember.
​
Still confused I made my way quickly towards the front door. Just as I opened it there was a deafening peal of thunder and a bright fork of lightning lit up the darkling sky. My mouth dropped open. There, just beyond the veranda, as if it had always been there, was the quarry. That cliff! I closed my mouth. “But… how…” Ignoring the icy rain, I walked towards the edge and once again peeked over. In the cold light of another flash of lightening and rumble of thunder, I saw my own body twisted and broken on the ground below. I gasped. My mind reeled. My heart fluttered. “What is going on?” I yelled looking around for some sort of explanation. When I looked back down again my face turned white. The body, my body, was gone. Suddenly I felt the eyes of a stranger on my back. A feeling of dread crept up my spine. A twig snapped. I spun around.
​
I stood face to face with my shadow. But he did not look like me. Not exactly. Darkness coated his body like a skintight suit and I could not tell what he was wearing. He may have even been naked for all I know. I could see most of his face and hair, but his eyes were cloaked entirely in semi-circles of shadow which fell below each of his brows. He seemed utterly unconcerned about the storm. “You poor thing. You poor, wretched thing.” When he spoke, his voice was not mine. It was deep and commanding, yet gentle. His words came out slow and calm, almost lulling, “I caught you as you fell. You have made a half-choice. You can be at peace forever. But you must choose now.” He stretched out a tenebrous hand and pointed toward the edge of the cliff. Suddenly I noticed something new appear in his hands. It was a book. It was my book. The one I had been writing. Had I already finished it? Or had I just started?
​
He turned to one of the middle pages and read, “‘Life is the antithesis of peace. Death is the antithesis of suffering.’” He snapped the book closed and turned again to face me, “How trite. Yet, so often the plainest truths are. All you want is peace, is it not? You are right in thinking that life can never provide this.” A cold smile curled his lips. “Even the living forests you so admire are crawling with suffering and conflict. Even the trees that appear so peaceful, so still, are wordlessly fighting each other for light. Racing against each other to claim their own space. It is the nature of the living to struggle.” Confusion fought with terror in my mind. I stammered. “I…I don’t understand. What is this place? Who are you?” Suddenly the man robed in darkness leapt at me and clasped my wrist, “You know who I am”. Small crimson lights flared to life like ignes fatui in the depths of his sockets. He began to pull me towards the edge. “No! Wait!” I shouted, digging my heels into the wet grass. But he was too strong. He snarled, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” and before I could stop myself I was crying from desperation. Then with a strength that could not be human he lifted me above his head, and threw me over the side of the quarry. Lightning flashed as the air rushed through my hair. I screamed as I plummeted to my death.
​
I yelled and woke with a start. I heard the soft beeping of monitors. I felt the scratchy linens of a hospital bed beneath me. Pain followed swiftly and exploded through my limbs. My voice was croaky and dry as I spoke, “Where…what the hell…what happened?” A nurse rushed to my side. “It’s alright love, you’ve ‘ad a bit of a tumble. Doctor’s got you all sorted. Just rest now”. Her voice was warm and comforting, like a cup of tea.
​
My memory returned to me slowly. My family did not own any cabin in the forest. The day of the accident I had been jogging in the woods and took my usual route near the abandoned quarry. I remember exactly what had happened. For a long time, I have been overwhelmed with my work and underwhelmed with my life. I wanted nothing more than to finish my novel and bail on all my teaching responsibilities. My father had also recently died after a long and horrible fight with cancer and it was the first time I realized that at my age life stops providing and starts taking. I realized that soon all those things, all those people, I could once rely on were not going to last forever. An invisible fire was lit in my flesh and I felt my time was rapidly running out.
​
I jogged far, leaving the city limits. As I stood at the edge of that quarry, panting, my sadness hanging on me heavily, I had, for a moment, contemplated jumping. I had thought about it often before. As I stared down, I imagined my broken body at the bottom of the cliff. Then, like in all my low moments, I let the cold inhumanness of the universe fill me up.
​
With my eyes closed all I could hear was my mother crying over my father’s corpse. All I could hear were the endless calls from the funeral home asking for their money. All the constant knocking of debt collectors on our door. All I could see were the endless medical bills flooding the postbox. All I felt was loneliness. A horrible, unrelenting, unsolvable loneliness. I had no great love, no amazing career, and my writing would never be good enough to publish. All I could feel was the gaping hole my father had left behind. It hurt. For just a moment I convinced myself I did not belong here anymore. My lips trembled. I walked right up to the edge. I felt my sadness swell in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly. I imagined taking a single step forward. It would be so easy. I imagined the air rushing past me. Falling to my doom. I imagined the horrible pain of the impact. But I also imagined the peace that would come after. A peace I craved. I imagined a picturesque cabin in the woods. A beautiful fireplace. A shelter from the city. A place where I could rest. It was in that moment of contemplative despair, before I could fully commit to the act, that the old unstable ground of the quarry crumbled beneath my feet and I had slipped from the edge and fell. Only the shadows were there to catch me.
​
Recovery was slow. My mother and sister came to visit me multiple times and made the stay at the hospital bearable. How many dreams had I had? How much had I awoken and then re-awoken? Could I be sure I was truly awake now? As I pondered this I tried to remember. But all I could recall was that very last dream. Those dark horrible eyes. The terror of that very last fall. In that moment, I had realized what I wanted. Now I felt rejuvenated in a way I had not felt for many years. The exhaustion of my spirit had finally been ameliorated. I actually looked forward to getting out of bed. I actually wanted to go to school again. My passion for teaching was reignited. Soon after my recovery I even managed to get my novel published but did not make much money.
​
Many years have passed since my fall and I’m in my 60s now and retired and have never married. I now know that those dreams were not just dreams. That phantom I confronted has remained with me. Whenever the stresses of life pile up and I become fatigued, he comes to me. He still waits for me. He is real. I see his eyes covered in shadow. Tiny pinpricks of red-light flicker therein. At first, I only saw him rarely; glimpses in dreams. As time went on and I grew older and weary of the world once more I began to see him in the corner of my room every night. What’s worse was that in those moments when I feel the lowest I find myself craving the solitude of that cabin. The peace it brought with it. All this I craved despite the price.
​
Last week I attended my mother’s funeral. It was a small affair, most of her friends having died many years before. I saw my sister there with her husband and children. They are so happy and full of life. I feel a pang of jealousy but also relief. My life was always to be a solitary one. My sister and I cried during the service. When we chatted later we tried in vain to comfort each other. It was then I began to mention the strange man I’d been seeing. But my voice died in my throat as I looked up.
He was there with us at lunch, standing behind me. I saw him in the mirror. My sister saw him too. She yelled, leapt out of her seat and fell to the ground when she saw him. “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” she screamed. Then, just as swiftly as shadows retreat from light, he was gone. “But how? What was? Who was that?” she asked loudly, eyes wide, the other people attending the restaurant had stopped eating to watch us, obviously confused. My sister was pale and I stood to help her to her feet, “Now do you believe me?” Lunch ended there.
​
Flustered and disturbed we returned home. I returned alone to my home in London while my sister returned home with her husband and children to Edinburgh. She seemed a lot less shaken up once she’d met with them at the station. I wonder if she’ll tell them what she saw?
​
Since the funeral I see him constantly now. Often his shadow-hidden hand stretches out and he holds a revolver. But he does not mean to shoot me. No. He holds the revolver’s ivory handle toward me. Sometimes he holds out a hangman’s noose. Sometimes it’s a long, ornate dagger. Most recently he holds out a canister of helium gas. And a plastic bag for my head. Each time he does this I resist him. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even yell at him to leave. His face remains dark, stony and enigmatic.
​
None of this would scare me quite so much if I had not just realized one terrible detail. What turns my blood to ice from fear is that every time I see him he is infinitesimally closer. How had I not noticed before? Perhaps it was a kindness. Gooseflesh runs down my neck as I see him standing insidiously in my cold bedroom. He is near the edge of my bed now. He is patient and has respected my choice so far. Nevertheless, he holds out that same revolver. That same noose. That same dagger. I tremble with fright because I know I will not be able to resist him much longer. Perhaps soon I’ll know if this was all a dream too.

22-minute read to cover the latest developments in Armenia beyond headlines.

Azeri public continues to discuss the possible return or exchange of Armenian exclave Artsvashen currently under Azerbaijani control

Context in Monday news digest. A ranking member of Azerbaijani parliament suggested returning Artsvashen to Armenia in exchange for the Azeri exclaves, or swapping them so each side can keep what it currently controls. An Azeri analyst called it dangerous to allow Armenians to return to Artsvashen because he believes it would make the entire territory of Azerbaijan "up to Ganja" vulnerable.
AZERI JOURNALIST (Fatima Movlamli): There are currently [Azeri] military positions near the entrance of the village [Artsvashen]. Although the local population is not strictly checked upon entry and exit, some control appears to be in place. The army checks "strangers". The village is also observed from far away. All the houses are empty; they are crumbling. There is no one around. The only people you see are nearby villagers who take their cattle to [Artsvashen's] pasture.
NEARBY AZERI VILLAGER: I visit the [Armenian] village to feed my cattle and my family. If they give it to Armenians, it will be my end. This is our source of bread, and these areas will no longer be safe for us. Many of us rely on these territories for a living. There is total unemployment and none of us have other jobs. We will have to emigrate if they give this village.
NATIN JAFARLI (ReAl party): There are two reasons why the village was not populated [by Azeris, after the capture in 1992]. The first is for legal reasons because Armenia could claim it's their land and demand compensation. There are also socio-economic components that have forced the population to migrate to Baku over the past 30 years. If there was a normal socio-economic policy, there would be no migration. It's not easy to create social infrastructure in Bashkend [Artsvashen] for natural reasons. If we decide to swap the enclaves, then referendums must be held in both countries. Can you imagine the Armenian police or army marching 30 kilometers deep into Azerbaijan? It doesn't sound realistic. The same about Azeris entering the exclaves inside Armenia. How will you guarantee the population's food, banking, communication, gas, etc.? It doesn't seem realistic.
ELKHAN SHAHINOGLU (Atlas research center): Even if Armenians return our 4 villages [presumably within Azeri exclaves], it will be difficult for Azeris to live in them because we will be forced to reach the villages through Armenia. The same is true if we transfer [Artsvashen] to Armenia. Therefore, I believe this issue can be resolved if the lands are exchanged.
AZERI RESIDENT: I used to work as a nurse in [Artsvashen]. I remember how I attempted to save the lives of the soldiers who captured it. I don't want it to be returned to Armenia because I'm concerned that the same events will repeat. Nothing good will happen if Armenians return here. This place connects Shinikhi to the entire Ganja region. Should we allow Armenians to stand between the two? I'm 65 so the future generations will have to live here but no one will dare to come if they hear about the presence of Armenians.
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Azerbaijan is still reluctant to include the Almaty Declaration in the final peace agreement despite the April 19 separate agreement to use it for border demarcation

FM MIRZOYAN: Recently we agreed that the demarcation should take place on the basis of the Almaty Declaration and the Regulations of the border commissions should also refer to the Almaty. This is one of the principles, and if we manage to include Almaty in the peace agreement, then we will get very close to a final resolution. Our neighbor is still reluctant to make a clear reference to the Almaty Declaration in the peace treaty, which is a more comprehensive document.
The second issue is with the unblocking of communication routes. Armenia is ready to become a part of the international transit route. The Crossroads of Peace will benefit Armenia and the entire region. Turkey and Azerbaijan would also benefit by connecting East and West. If this is implemented, it will be another interesting way to connect the Persian Gulf countries with the Black Sea economic region.
QUESTION: You froze your participation in CSTO. Do you plan to join NATO?
MIRZOYAN: We do not want to be part of a dysfunctional mechanism [CSTO]. But we are still a CSTO member so it's necessary to take steps to make it function; we are discussing the issues on the AM-RU agenda. Simultaneously we have launched a process to strengthen AM-West relations and to diversify Armenia's economy.
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interview with Azeri opposition activist-in-exile Arif Yunusov

REPORTER: Azerbaijan had long refused to use 1991 Almaty for delimitation but on April 19 they agreed to launch the process based on Almaty. Why did they change their position?
YUNUSOV: Because of the problems Aliyev developed with the West. When Blinken makes a phone call, that means extensive work was done prior to the call. The issue of sanctions raised earlier this year was also raised after months of work. The collective West is pressuring Azerbaijan. We have entered the decisive phase of the West-Russia confrontation. The physical fights are taking place in Ukraine, while diplomatic wars rage in the South Caucasus.
Russia attempted on several occasions to destabilize Armenia's internal stability by using Azerbaijan but their efforts have failed and there hasn't been any serious escalation on the AM-AZ border. Pashinyan was not exaggerating the possibility of a war in Tavush a few months ago; there was indeed a real threat. However, the likelihood is much lower now and Azerbaijan has given its approval to launch the delimitation process. The ongoing delimitation process is part of the effort to regulate AM-AZ relations and push Russia out of the region.
REPORTER: Blinken spoke on Sunday with Aliyev and Pashinyan. I'm under the impression that this AM-AZ delimitation, despite being called "bilateral", is actually being moderated by the US.
YUNUSOV: Absolutely agree. Aliyev has a lengthy history of rejecting many Western efforts and being close with Putin, so the fact that he didn't reject it this time indicates serious pressure from the West. By the way, Aliyev became president in February but Biden hasn't congratulated him yet. For Aliyev, it's very important to receive a congratulation personally from Biden.
The US is moderating this process step-by-step. This process began in 2022 when Pashinyan recognized Nagorno-Karabakh as part of Azerbaijan; that was part of the US plan to normalize AM-AZ relations. Under this plan, Azerbaijan announced the formation of a commission to "integrate" Nagorno-Karabakh Armenians. Obviously, it all changed later and the US officials began to raise the issue of Aliyev being too close to Russia and about a need to pull him away from Putin. It appears the US is gradually getting what it wants because the US's role in this demarcation process is huge.
REPORTER: Is this also why Azerbaijan asked Russia to withdraw its military base from Nagorno-Karabakh? Was it under the US pressure?
YUNUSOV: I'm not entirely sure about the full details behind their withdrawal. I don't even know if they are truly being withdrawn because there is a motive to calm the Azerbaijani public that's anti-Russian.
There is also the fact that Russia was unable to deploy those peacekeepers on the AM-AZ border and push out the EU border monitoring mission from Armenia. Russia attempted to achieve this in December 2023 during a meeting in St. Petersburg but Pashinyan rejected Putin's efforts. Moreover, Pashinyan said that Armenia is no longer interested in the fate of Russian peacekeepers in Nagorno-Karabakh and that this topic must be resolved between Russia and Azerbaijan. This was followed by Pashinyan's order to remove Russian agents from Yerevan's airport by August 2024. So Russia's effort to pressure Armenia with the hands of Azerbaijan has totally failed.
It's a strange situation, the withdrawal of peacekeepers. We don't know how many were removed and how many remain. I do not have information that the US pressured Azerbaijan to remove the Russian peacekeepers. [audio cuts off] The US is only strong when there is Armenia, during meetings, and we tend to receive information whenever Armenia is part of a negotiation process, whereas Azerbaijan-Russia talks are more secretive.
It appears Russia is withdrawing the equipment first because they need it ahead of the May offensive in Ukraine, before possibly a wider withdrawal by September.
Regarding the demarcation of the AM-AZ border, Russia understands that if the parties reach an agreement, that could mean the end of Russian presence in the South Caucasus. The AM-AZ border is a geopolitical issue. Russia will publicly formally welcome the delimitation efforts but it's not in their interest.
REPORTER: Why is France silent about the April 19 delimitation agreement?
YUNUSOV: France has adopted the correct position. First of all, Western states coordinate their policies [including on delimitation], but in each region, each Western state takes up a different position. For example, on the Ukraine issue, France provides support to Ukraine but the main locomotive is the US. In the South Caucasus, it's the opposite: the US provides the moderation efforts while the main locomotive - in this case, support for Armenia - is France. There is a crisis in FR-AZ relations. So France doesn't want to hinder the delimitation effort by intervening; they let the US handle it. There is currently an anti-French hysteria in Azerbaijan. The French endorsement of the AM-AZ delimitation agreement would be a big blow to the process.
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ruling party rejects opposition's motion to conduct the AM-AZ border delimitation based on 1993 "de facto" borders instead of 1991 Almaty borders

Context and debates in April 23 news digest. The opposition is against delimiting borders with the 1991 Almaty maps.
The opposition accuses the ruling party of serving Turkey's interests while the ruling party accuses the opposition of attempting to derail the 1991 delimitation process so they can drag Armenia into a new conflict before bringing the Russian "empire" as a savior to establish their rule in Armenia.
One thing that struck the ruling party's nerves was the opposition's narrative that "Armenia ends where the Armenian soldier stands". The ruling party believes that this principle is both dangerously expansionist [in the case of 2.5 Azeri villages] and would also endanger the fate of occupied Armenian lands. "We have a clear border with Azerbaijan, and it must be reproduced on the ground," said a ranking ruling party MP. Yesterday the government said over 50% of the task was done on a section of the Tavush-Gazakh border.
In response to the opposition's accusations that the ruling party serving the interests of Azerbaijan by "surrendering lands", a ruling MP accused the opposition of pressuring the government to surrender a corridor to Russia and Azerbaijan.
RULING MP: Mr. Sharmazanov [ex-president Serj's party] routinely says the quiet part out loud. At first, he spoke about the need to give a corridor [to Azerbaijan and Russia, via Syunik], and more recently he made another fantastic statement. Sharmazanov said "a homeland is eternal while a state is variable. The state's borders can expand or shrink." This stems from their mentality that today they are MPs of the Armenian parliament but tomorrow they could just as easily be Russian Duma MPs, representing the Armyanski Oblast. This is the clash of values: a stable state with borders vs. a "homeland" with variable borders. For us, the Republic of Armenia is irreplaceable and the independence of Armenia is non-negotiable. //
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the independent TV & radio regulator was summoned to parliament to report the 2023 activities

REGULATOR: Last year the broadcasters under our watch operated freely, without government intervention. The TV outlets stated that they were not pressured or obstructed by any branch of the government to limit their freedom of expression.
The issue persists with misinformation and hate speech, but our 3-year-long monitoring reveals that this negative content has been significantly reduced in public multiplex. This positive trend has multiple reasons, including our Committee's fight against the abuse of "freedom of speech". This type of negative content has, by in large, moved from television to the internet and social media.
We are strongly against the government's electoral code amendment that required private media outlets to allocate a limited number of free hours to candidates during electoral campaigns. How is this different from requiring gas stations to provide free gas to candidates? The media outlets are deprived of hours that they could use to generate income.
We've been calling for reforms in the law regulating the media. The 2020 law on liberalizing media regulations is a welcoming change. The field is free, with minimal intervention from the Committee (regulator) or the government.
However, this liberalization also endangers Armenia's media security. For example, foreign channels broadcasted over Armenia's public multiplex and cable often spread content illegal under Armenian law and against the Republic of Armenia's interests. The law does not grant the Committee enough powers to curtail this. At the moment, the Committee has jurisdiction over public multiplex TV and licensed radio channels only. This creates an uneven competition field with channels broadcasted over the net, which do not have to follow the same rules. Under European directives, a minimal level of regulation of internet content has become a requirement for European countries. We advise the government to follow European practices.
The public often wonders what share of cable TV content is in Armenian or made in Armenia. Our research reveals the content based on the country of origin: Armenian 71 (vs 68 last year), Russian 174 (vs 167), European 75, American 38, Other 15. As you can see, relevant parties should take steps to increase the share of Armenian content.
We have very important progress in another metric: Armenian-language programs aired over Armenian channels, nationwide or in Yerevan. The Armenian-language programs accounted for 95% of the air. This includes foreign content translated into Armenian or with Armenian subtitles.
2018: <60%
2020: 79%
2021: 81%
2023: 95%
We have progress in another important area. Over the last 3-4 years, on the public multiplex, the share of partisan ideological content has been gradually replaced by content more beneficial to the general public. For example, (1) we now have a sports program that promotes the development of local sports and provides coverage of local events. (2) We have a family channel called Noor available in Yerevan. Despite some challenges and flaws, they are doing their best to establish themselves as a family channel. (3) We have an educational channel Bun. (4) We have a music channel Dar21.
By in large, the public multiplex still falls short of delivering what we envisage. We believe the time has come to adopt a new state strategy on media to prevent a crisis. We could have a crisis because the state has too many regulations and not enough incentives to allow channels to use their slots to generate income and produce quality content.
We fear that during the next auction for slots in 2027, several slots could be left uncontested, which could pave the way for the entry of propagandistic channels or clearly weak channels unable to deliver quality content. If the channels fail to generate income, they could also be sold to foreign buyers. Therefore, some channels could begin to serve the interests of foreign states and serve foreign propaganda to Armenian citizens.
We advise the government to...
(1) reduce the number of channels on public multiplex. It's an unreasonably high number for a country size of Armenia. Fewer public multiplex channels means each channel would receive more ad dollars, which would raise the quality of content.
(2) establish a media assistance fund to incentivize quality content over the public multiplex.
How do we monitor media channels for compliance? The monitoring phase lasts 2 months per year. In Lithuania and Georgia, it's 1 month. The rest of the time the monitoring is done by NGOs, the public, and other institutions.
We penalized 34 companies for broadcasting pirated content. This is a shamefully high number. There are unfortunately companies that do not respect intellectual property. The only option left is to ramp up the enforcement. The atmosphere of impunity among channels is driven by the fact that the size of the penalty is only $130, which is a lot less than what they'd spend on obtaining the rights to the content.
We've been enforcing rules more vigorously, and in 2023 alone there were 64 administrative proceedings. In comparison, between 2011-2018 there were a total of 17 such proceedings.
2011-2018: 17
2021: 84
2023: 64
Reasons for administrative proceedings: copyright violation, illegal ads, content harmful to children, gore & violence, cussing on air, failure to meet the minimum threshold of 20% for certain types of content, etc.
In December we made a decision to suspend the re-broadcasting of [Russian] Sputnik Radio for a month. We were accused of violating their free speech [by Armenia's opposition factions], however, the radio's leadership visited Armenia, apologized for their content, and agreed to exclude the violating show [Kremlin propagandist Tigran Keosayan] from their programming aired in Armenia. We lifted the suspension.
Once again, the Committee reminds that it will suspend any foreign outlet that broadcasts content that spreads hatred towards the Republic of Armenia or its people, interferes with Armenia's internal affairs, questions Armenia's sovereignty, or engages in provocative actions.
Along with increased enforcement, we also have more complaints filed against our decisions in courts, which shows that the enforcement & appeals process is functioning freely. Sometimes we lose these trials. We learn and gain experience.
We recently signed the first-ever agreement with a country outside Eurasia. The agreement with friendly Argentina's state media agency will allow Armenia's public channel to film a big սերիալ.
The Committee is cooperating with the high-tech ministry to use AI in our work to save resources and raise efficiency.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: The law requires television to provide content in the Assyrian language. Similar programs exist for Yezidis but not Assyrians.
REGULATOR: The law requires the content to be either in Assyrian language or about Assyrian culture. The latter requirement was met.
ASSYRIAN-ARMENIAN MP: But we would like to hear content, speech, in Assyrian language.
REGULATOR: We want to do that by requiring local television channels [presumably where Assyrians mostly live] to provide content in Assyrian language, rather than requiring the public channel to broadcast that content nationwide, because the vast majority of nationwide consumers would not be able to consume content in a language they do not speak. It should be more targeted. Assyrian subtitles on public nationwide channels are also an option so submit your suggestion and we'll negotiate with H1.
RULING MP: I welcome your decision to take action against [Kremlin's] Solovyov and Keosayan for their anti-Armenian and anti-Armenian Republic content, but people wonder why you don't take similar measures against others, like [Kremlin's] Kisilyov. What have you done in this regard and what suggestions have you sent to the high-tech ministry?
REGULATOR: Our Committee has the authority to suspend re-broadcasted radio channels, as in the case of Sputnik, but we cannot suspend television channels. We can only send complaints to the high-tech ministry so they can take action against TV channels based on the AM-RU interstate agreement. We have been frequently sending reports to our high-tech ministry, and after 3 years of inaction, they finally decided to take steps recently. You already know about their actions against Solovyov's content. The ministry is working with Russia to replace the [empty] Solovyov timeslot with other cultural or entertainment content. You can forget about Solovyov. As a reminder, this program was banned in Armenia not for being "anti-Armenian", which is a vague term, but for violating specific laws of Armenia. They often call for violence, incite steps to launch a war, etc. Even Armenian channels are not allowed to broadcast such content. We need to revise the AM-RU interstate agreement to grant the Committee more powers to regulate foreign channels as well. In the future, we should entirely ban all foreign channels on Armenia's public multiplex.
RULING MP: What is Shoghakat TV, who owns it, and does its content meet the requirements? [It's the channel operated by the church]
REGULATOR: Shoghakat was formerly called a religious-cultural channel. Under the new law, it must broadcast cultural-educational content; its genre legally is not religious-cultural. A recent study shows that the share of religious content is too high and it must be reduced by raising the share of cultural-educational programs to meet the requirements. The channel is receiving funds from the state and must therefore meet the cultural-educational programming requirements.
RULING MP: In other words, Shoghakat is a public channel, at least in part financed by the taxpayers, and does not provide the content it is legally required to? Religious content is not a bad thing but we must be mindful of the state resources.
REGULATOR: It's co-financed by the church and state. Shoghakat is also operating from a building owned by the church, and not the public TV.
OPPO MP: Isn't it time to also regulate the TV channels' social media accounts on Facebook, YouTube, and TikTok? They get more views than the content aired over the public multiplex. Children consume dangerous content on YouTube and TikTok. There are countries that are attempting to regulate it. Can Armenia do this? There are also unlicensed channels on the internet that spread whatever they want. How do we regulate all of this?
REGULATOR: This morning the EU's Ursula von der Leyen announced the possibility of banning TikTok in the EU. The same about the US. Even the most democratic states restrict platforms that pose a danger to their societies. It will be expensive to technologically restrict these platforms in Armenia but we must consider any measure that would protect the Armenian society. Armenia is falling behind the EU directives in terms of content restrictions.
OPPO MP: Today a 9-year-old boy sees as many naked girls in one day as the world's richest sultan throughout his whole life. This is going to have a negative impact on children. The same about narcotics. When are we going to amend the law to regulate this?
REGULATOR: In the case of the 9 y/o boy, the most important institutions are the school, parents, and the surrounding environment. As for regulating the media field, I've been saying this for 4 years and this appears to be a bipartisan issue so let's get together and decide how to regulate it.
RULING MP: Under the existing media regulation law, foreign companies are not allowed to operate a cable service in Armenia. Why is Rostelecom able to operate? Should we lift the ban on all foreign firms or should we ban Rostelecom?
REGULATOR: I believe they meet the requirement by not owning over 49% of the company shares. I believe 51% of their shares belong to an Armenian resident company. In their defense, Rostelecom has voluntarily banned Solovyov's show in Armenia.
full report, source,

անախորժ միջադեպ պառլամենտի բակում

The bodyguard of Armenia/ARF MP Levon Kocharyan, the son of ex-president Robert Kocharyan, is accused of punching and knocking down a journalist in the backyard of the parliament building after the outlet's criticism of opposition churchman and his portrayal as a corrupt agent of Russia.
REPORTER (Davit Levonyan, civic.am, affiliated with ruling party): After finishing an interview with a ruling party MP, I noticed that Levon Kocharyan's assistant/bodyguard Arthur Sukoyan was waiting nearby. He approached me and asked to speak for 2 minutes. I asked my operator to stand a bit further from us so we could talk. The bodyguard attempted to provoke a fight. He was unhappy about my opinion about churchman Bagrat [the co-organizer of the opposition's road closures in Tavush] and he said my actions were blasphemy. I said dear Arthur I have the right to free speech and I don't force my opinion on others, and that he can express his own opinion and that I don't really care about his opinion. He went on to escalate it into a physical fight in a way to present it as "two boys fighting" rather than hooliganism. He began to cuss at me. I said, "If you think I'm that type of person then I can say the same about you". I never punched him, knowing well that it was a provocation. He punched me and knocked me to the ground. I got up and cussed at him but chose not to fight. I told him that "you and the likes of you will answer for this". I wanted to verify whose assistant he was so he said Kocharyan's, and he invited me to his office to "settle the dispute". I told him to get the hell out of here and that he will answer later pa lyubomu.
QUESTION: Were there witnesses and is there a video recording?
REPORTER: My operator witnessed it and it was in front of the parliament building's security cameras. //
The alleged suspect, Arthur Sukoyan, is the son of Judge Alexei Sukoyan whose duties as a judge were terminated by SJC last year for "severe violations".
OPPO MP (Mher Sahakyan): That guy has no right to be called a journalist because I've seen his video [about the opposition churchman] and as a Christian Armenian, it's prosto unacceptable for me. Are you telling me you can describe a representative of a church any way you like and not answer for it? //
MP Mher Sahakyan himself was arrested last year after punching a ruling party MP and forcing him to get stitches.
What was the outlet's report that angered Kocharyan's bodyguard? The outlet accused the churchman of serving Russian interests and owning a meat production business in Tavush. A fact-checker has found that the churchman is indeed reported as a 25% shareholder of the company but the company says the churchman hasn't received profits. The ruling faction accuses the church of unethically using the church's media resources to advertise the "churchman's meat business".
source, source, source, source, source, source, source, source,

PM Pashinyan hosted the European Commission's Director-General of EU Neighborhood and Enlargement Negotiations

Pashinyan considered the AM-EU-US high-level meeting held in Brussels on April 5 as key and emphasized the need for effective implementation of the agreements reached.
Koopman noted that the European Commission is ready to contribute to the implementation of the priorities of the Armenian government to strengthen the resilience of Armenia and its economic growth.
Koopman expressed confidence that Armenia-EU relations will continue to develop and expand dynamically. The interlocutors discussed a wide range of issues related to Armenia-EU cooperation.

... On Tuesday Armenia, the EU, and Germany signed an agreement to reduce the Armenian rural population's reliance on imported Russian gas

They want to help low-income villagers and municipal buildings of Tavush, Shirak, Gegharkunik, and Syunik provinces to switch to solar energy. It will include solar water heaters, etc.
EUROPEAN COMMISSION rep.: The EU-Armenia relations are stronger than ever and the EU's dedication to Armenia is reflected in the agreements reached on April 5 in Brussels. This is a 3-year program worth €12.5 million.
GERMAN EMBASSY: Why not use the sun's energy for daily activities? Yesterday we noticed on our faces and skins how powerful the Armenian sun is. [please SPF 100 yourselves]
source, source,

World Bank’s Board of Executive Directors approved a $116 million program for Armenia to enable reforms aimed at promoting green, resilient and inclusive development

It includes a $100 million loan from IBRD and a $16 million grant. This budget support will help the Government of Armenia to build climate resilience and reduce vulnerabilities to future shocks, as part of the 2021-2026 plan.

It includes actions that will fortify anti-corruption measures by implementing a robust framework with a whistleblowing system and gift monitoring mechanism for public servants. Further, it is aligned with the Paris Agreement.

source,

Azerbaijani regime arrested another pro-democracy activist as part of a crackdown on an independent outlet

Mammadli, the head of the Election Monitoring and Democracy Studies Centre, had his home raided by the police and was detained on Monday on charges of smuggling.
EUROPEAN UNION: This detention is the latest in a series of arrests of independent journalists & activists, and a matter of concern for the EU. All those imprisoned for exercising their fundamental rights should be released.
UNITED STATES: We are deeply concerned about the ongoing arrests of representatives of the Azerbaijani political society, in particular, Anar Mammadli. We call on the government of Azerbaijan to immediately release all those unjustly arrested. We continue to call on the government of Azerbaijan to respect the human rights and fundamental freedoms of all.
source, source,

Armenia's Ambassador to the US Lilith Makunts met the experts of the US-based analytical center RAND that recently advised the West to provide defense assistance to Armenia and not to pressure Armenia to cut all ties with Russia prematurely

Ambassador Makunts presented the latest developments in the AM-AZ peace process and the Crossroads of Peace logistics process.
source, source,

Hungary is blocking the €10 million military assistance to Armenia

Context in April 17 news digest. Hungary is so far preventing the transfer of European Peace Facility resources to provide Armenia with a mobile field camp capability for a battalion-size unit, including a medical treatment facility as well as relevant services and facilities
Armenia submitted the application for funding in 2023. Georgia had earlier received €30 million in assistance as part of the same fund. They received equipment for controlling artillery divisions and engineering equipment.
Hungary, led by Turkish-Azeri-Russian ally Orban, demands that Azerbaijan receive assistance with demining activities in exchange for authorizing the transfer to Armenia. However, since Azerbaijan has not formally requested assistance with demining, it's possible the process could reach a dead end. The internal negotiations continue.
source,

Armenia's Defense Minister discussed AM-FR defence cooperation and army reforms with a French Senator

MOD Papikyan hosted Ronan Le Gloyot from the French Senate Committees on Foreign Relations, Defense, Armed Forces and European Affairs. The parties discussed AM-FR defense ties, the AM-EU ties, the Armenian army reforms, etc.
source,

Armenia and France discussed cooperation in military industry and aerospace (🤔)

High-Tech Minister Mkhitar Hayrapetyan hosted the French Senate delegation led by Ronan Le Gloyot. They discussed cybersecurity, digitization, the establishment and operation of French high-tech firms in Armenia, defense, military industry, and aerospace cooperation.
source,

France donates 4 diesel power generators with 100 kW to city halls and hospitals in Syunik

source, source,

Saudi Arabia's ethnic Armenian Prince Abdulaziz bin Talal Al Saud will visit Armenia

The agreement was reached during the recent visit by Armenia's Labor Minister to SA. The Prince and the Minister also agreed to establish cooperation between the Prince's AGFUND and Armenia's labor ministry.
source,

Armenia's Central Bank continues to cut the refinancing rate

2020: 4.25%
2022: 10.75%
2023: 9.25%
Jan 2024: 8.75%
Mar 2024: 8.50%
Apr 2024 8.25%
source, source,

Armenian migrant workers are sending fewer remittances from Russia and could find working in Armenia more beneficial

The net inflow of individuals' remittances from Russia in Q1 2024 amounted to $656.6 million compared to $1.1 billion in Q1 2023.
CENTRAL BANK: There is a decline this year due to economic and geopolitical issues, the exchange rate, and the ratio of salaries. It is necessary to have an understanding of whether Armenian migrant workers plan to continue working in Russia. Some prefer to return to Armenia and work here, as the difference in salaries now is much smaller than, for example, 10 years ago.
source, full,

agreement is signed to build a World Trade Center in Yerevan

Details in September 7 news digest.
Construction company RenShin presented the $212 million project to the government for approval. It's expected to create 10,000 jobs. There will be 4- and 5-star hotels as well.
PASHINYAN: It will be in place of the HayPost [post office] building on 22 Saryan St. Modern construction standards will be introduced in Armenia. Since our independence, there has never been a complex of this scale. It will help Armenia raise the "we are open for business" flag.
MHER GRIGORYAN: Armenia is the only country in the region without a World Trade Center. Being the last means we can have the best quality and newest technology. //
Armenia-based Renshen will invite the international architectural giant Norman Foster, known for developing the Apple Park in California, Germany's Reichstag Building, New York skyscraper Hearst Tower, the City Hall of Southwark (London), Millennium Bridge in London, Bilbao Metro, and more.
Who will own the complex? 50% investors, 30% HayPost, 20% Government. The company will buy HayPost's shares within the next 5 years. The revenue will help develop HayPost. It will have a new modern sorting facility to handle more parcels.
source,

16-year-old boy survives a fall from Kievian Bridge

source,

Yerevan's Yeritasardakan subway station has new lighting: VIDEO

It's the first of several to come.
video,

I yelled and woke with a start. Sweat dripped down my face. My breathing was hard and desperate. I could have sworn I had just been falling. The stickiness of sleep meddled with the cogs of my mind. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the gloom of my bedroom and I found myself alone, safe and warm. No danger here. My heart rate slowed and I chuckled nervously. Soon all fear had seeped from my mind and all memory of my dream had faded. I rolled out of bed and shivered. Quickly I pulled on a sweater and put on my furry slippers. It was cold in this cabin in the middle of the forest. Although internal plumbing and an electric generator had been added, there was still no central heating. This did not bother me much because I always enjoyed having an excuse to light the fire in the living room. I absolutely loved traditional fireplaces.
I was whistling happily in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of cold water as I poured fresh coffee beans into my electric grinder. The sound and smell of coffee being ground always left me feeling content. As my coffee brewed in my French press I cracked two eggs into a bowel and began to whisk. Fifteen minutes later I carried a steaming hot cheese omelet and large mug of coffee out onto my front veranda. I stood in the open doorway, surveying the beauty of the outdoors in the early morning light. The air was cold and fresh; pregnant with complex mixtures of pine and lavender scents. I looked up to see the sky was a deep blue and devoid of all clouds. The thin, dark silhouettes of the trees that surrounded the cabin stood silent and ominous in the soft half-light of the morning. White coats of frost sparkled and melted on the grass as the sun climbed and brightened. I could hear the distant sound of the stream and the call of morning birds.
I sighed deeply with satisfaction and sat down on my wooden chair. This is what I loved more than anything. More than the city that bustles and bursts with busy human lives. More than squeezing myself between strangers on the underground train. More than the sickening smell of the streets and the soulless lack of any natural sounds. In the city there were no crickets, no owls, no frogs. Out here there was an abundance of beauty. The trees were so patient and still. So very different from the rushed, ill-mannered commuters I had as my usual morning partners. I definitely preferred the trees. I took another deep breath. I blew on the steam that rose from my coffee mug and sipped cautiously. The coffee was rich and delicious and scalding hot. Perfect. I began to eat my omelet letting the serenity of nature continue to wash over me. My mood had not been so elated for many months and I was seriously thinking that I should move here full-time. Currently I was working as an English teacher and had decided to come out here to work on my novel and take a break from the city. From my life. Once my excellent breakfast was complete I walked back inside and decided to start a fire to warm up the cabin. As I stooped to check the small wicker basket near the fireplace, that should contain the dried firewood, my eyebrow arched when I found the basket empty. Huh? I could have sworn it was half-full yesterday. Puzzled but not at all alarmed I picked up the basket. Soon I put on my large, worn black coat and made my way outside.
The frosted ground crunched under my large leather boots as I waded through the woods. Finding dry branches for the fire would be fairly difficult at this time of day as most of the ground was damp by now. However, my plan was just to dry them out in the oven before I used them. After spending a few minutes stooping to inspect sticks of various sizes and dampness I finally filled the basket. “Ok, time to go home.” I muttered eagerly as I rubbed my hands together. The air was still cold enough to make my breath visible and I rubbed my hands together. Suddenly I stopped. My eyebrows furrowed. I did not recognize where I was. But how? I had been exploring the woods for days now and not one time had I gotten lost.
My eyes darted back and forth and my head swiveled in confusion. Very soon a creeping panic began to climb from my stomach up into my lungs. My heart began to thump loudly. I looked up at the sun, the voice of my old man ringing in my mind, “Learn to navigate by the stars and sun and you’ll never lose your way”. I smiled, remembering his warm eyes and loud laughter. I missed him. I closed my eyes, concentrating. “Ok, that must be East, so that means I should walk…” I stretched out my arm and hand, index finger pointed. I turned on my heel. “North. That way.”
After a few moments I found my path blocked by a sudden sheer drop. I was facing an enormous quarry. My face blanched. “What… where the hell did this come from?” Again, panic seeped into my blood. “There aren’t any bloody quarries around here!” I moved forward to peek over the edge and peered down. The drop must be at least fifteen meters! I looked from left to right and saw no stairs or bridges. How the hell was I supposed to get across? My confusion grew and grew. Suddenly I froze. There, lying at the very bottom of the quarry, just near the cliff’s bottom, was a mangled body. The light in the sky was still too young to properly illuminate the quarry’s depths, but I could tell it was a body! My eyes bulged and my mouth opened wide with astonishment. “Jesus! Hello? Are you okay down there?” I yelled. Nothing but cold silence pressed against my ears. Suddenly I noticed a path that I had not seen before. It started to my right and wound down the slope before me. Quickly I started hurrying down towards the person; maybe I could still help? Soon I was at the bottom and I ran up to the body that lay still on the ground. As I got closer and the sun grew brighter I stopped dead. The body that lay crumpled at my feet was – me. “No way. There is just absolutely no way!” I shouted. I trembled as I took a step backward. My foot slipped on a large stone and I felt myself begin to fall to the ground.
Suddenly I yelped and my legs kicked out. I blinked in the sudden darkness and found myself on my sofa in the cabin’s living room. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I said out loud as I sat up. I felt the softness of the couch cushions beneath me, I could smell the citrus scents leftover from the wash I’d given them recently. I stood up, my breathing still fast. The large windows showed a stormy afternoon. Rain pelted the glass heavily and the wind howled loudly. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I repeated. I checked my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. I raked my brain, trying to figure out what was happening. But the details of my dream were fading. “I was in the forest looking for firewood. Then I found that body in that quarry.” It had been so real. I felt quite disoriented. Was I truly awake now? Or still asleep? And that body? What had been so terrible about it? The dream had already seeped away. I couldn’t remember.
Still confused I made my way quickly towards the front door. Just as I opened it there was a deafening peal of thunder and a bright fork of lightning lit up the darkling sky. My mouth dropped open. There, just beyond the veranda, as if it had always been there, was the quarry. That cliff! I closed my mouth. “But… how…” Ignoring the icy rain, I walked towards the edge and once again peeked over. In the cold light of another flash of lightening and rumble of thunder, I saw my own body twisted and broken on the ground below. I gasped. My mind reeled. My heart fluttered. “What is going on?” I yelled looking around for some sort of explanation. When I looked back down again my face turned white. The body, my body, was gone. Suddenly I felt the eyes of a stranger on my back. A feeling of dread crept up my spine. A twig snapped. I spun around.
I stood face to face with my shadow. But he did not look like me. Not exactly. Darkness coated his body like a skintight suit and I could not tell what he was wearing. He may have even been naked for all I know. I could see most of his face and hair, but his eyes were cloaked entirely in semi-circles of shadow which fell below each of his brows. He seemed utterly unconcerned about the storm. “You poor thing. You poor, wretched thing.” When he spoke, his voice was not mine. It was deep and commanding, yet gentle. His words came out slow and calm, almost lulling, “I caught you as you fell. You have made a half-choice. You can be at peace forever. But you must choose now.” He stretched out a tenebrous hand and pointed toward the edge of the cliff. Suddenly I noticed something new appear in his hands. It was a book. It was my book. The one I had been writing. Had I already finished it? Or had I just started?
He turned to one of the middle pages and read, “‘Life is the antithesis of peace. Death is the antithesis of suffering.’” He snapped the book closed and turned again to face me, “How trite. Yet, so often the plainest truths are. All you want is peace, is it not? You are right in thinking that life can never provide this.” A cold smile curled his lips. “Even the living forests you so admire are crawling with suffering and conflict. Even the trees that appear so peaceful, so still, are wordlessly fighting each other for light. Racing against each other to claim their own space. It is the nature of the living to struggle.” Confusion fought with terror in my mind. I stammered. “I…I don’t understand. What is this place? Who are you?” Suddenly the man robed in darkness leapt at me and clasped my wrist, “You know who I am”. Small crimson lights flared to life like ignes fatui in the depths of his sockets. He began to pull me towards the edge. “No! Wait!” I shouted, digging my heels into the wet grass. But he was too strong. He snarled, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” and before I could stop myself I was crying from desperation. Then with a strength that could not be human he lifted me above his head, and threw me over the side of the quarry. Lightning flashed as the air rushed through my hair. I screamed as I plummeted to my death.
I yelled and woke with a start. I heard the soft beeping of monitors. I felt the scratchy linens of a hospital bed beneath me. Pain followed swiftly and exploded through my limbs. My voice was croaky and dry as I spoke, “Where…what the hell…what happened?” A nurse rushed to my side. “It’s alright love, you’ve ‘ad a bit of a tumble. Doctor’s got you all sorted. Just rest now”. Her voice was warm and comforting, like a cup of tea.
My memory returned to me slowly. My family did not own any cabin in the forest. The day of the accident I had been jogging in the woods and took my usual route near the abandoned quarry. I remember exactly what had happened. For a long time, I have been overwhelmed with my work and underwhelmed with my life. I wanted nothing more than to finish my novel and bail on all my teaching responsibilities. My father had also recently died after a long and horrible fight with cancer and it was the first time I realized that at my age life stops providing and starts taking. I realized that soon all those things, all those people, I could once rely on were not going to last forever. An invisible fire was lit in my flesh and I felt my time was rapidly running out.
I jogged far, leaving the city limits. As I stood at the edge of that quarry, panting, my sadness hanging on me heavily, I had, for a moment, contemplated jumping. I had thought about it often before. As I stared down, I imagined my broken body at the bottom of the cliff. Then, like in all my low moments, I let the cold inhumanness of the universe fill me up.
With my eyes closed all I could hear was my mother crying over my father’s corpse. All I could hear were the endless calls from the funeral home asking for their money. All the constant knocking of debt collectors on our door. All I could see were the endless medical bills flooding the postbox. All I felt was loneliness. A horrible, unrelenting, unsolvable loneliness. I had no great love, no amazing career, and my writing would never be good enough to publish. All I could feel was the gaping hole my father had left behind. It hurt. For just a moment I convinced myself I did not belong here anymore. My lips trembled. I walked right up to the edge. I felt my sadness swell in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly. I imagined taking a single step forward. It would be so easy. I imagined the air rushing past me. Falling to my doom. I imagined the horrible pain of the impact. But I also imagined the peace that would come after. A peace I craved. I imagined a picturesque cabin in the woods. A beautiful fireplace. A shelter from the city. A place where I could rest. It was in that moment of contemplative despair, before I could fully commit to the act, that the old unstable ground of the quarry crumbled beneath my feet and I had slipped from the edge and fell. Only the shadows were there to catch me.
Recovery was slow. My mother and sister came to visit me multiple times and made the stay at the hospital bearable. How many dreams had I had? How much had I awoken and then re-awoken? Could I be sure I was truly awake now? As I pondered this I tried to remember. But all I could recall was that very last dream. Those dark horrible eyes. The terror of that very last fall. In that moment, I had realized what I wanted. Now I felt rejuvenated in a way I had not felt for many years. The exhaustion of my spirit had finally been ameliorated. I actually looked forward to getting out of bed. I actually wanted to go to school again. My passion for teaching was reignited. Soon after my recovery I even managed to get my novel published but did not make much money.
Many years have passed since my fall and I’m in my 60s now and retired and have never married. I now know that those dreams were not just dreams. That phantom I confronted has remained with me. Whenever the stresses of life pile up and I become fatigued, he comes to me. He still waits for me. He is real. I see his eyes covered in shadow. Tiny pinpricks of red-light flicker therein. At first, I only saw him rarely; glimpses in dreams. As time went on and I grew older and weary of the world once more I began to see him in the corner of my room every night. What’s worse was that in those moments when I feel the lowest I find myself craving the solitude of that cabin. The peace it brought with it. All this I craved despite the price.
Last week I attended my mother’s funeral. It was a small affair, most of her friends having died many years before. I saw my sister there with her husband and children. They are so happy and full of life. I feel a pang of jealousy but also relief. My life was always to be a solitary one. My sister and I cried during the service. When we chatted later we tried in vain to comfort each other. I returned alone to my home in London while she returned home with her husband and children to Edinburgh. I missed her a great deal too. I often thought about our growing up together.
Since the funeral I see him constantly now. Often his shadow-hidden hand stretches out and he holds a revolver. But he does not mean to shoot me. No. He holds the revolver’s ivory handle toward me. Sometimes he holds out a hangman’s noose. Sometimes it’s a long, ornate dagger. Most recently he holds out a canister of helium gas. And a plastic bag for my head. Each time he does this I resist him. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even yell at him to leave. His face remains dark, stony and enigmatic.
None of this would scare me quite so much if I had not just realized one terrible detail. What turns my blood to ice from fear is that every time I see him he is infinitesimally closer. How had I not noticed before? Perhaps it was a kindness. Gooseflesh runs down my neck as I see him standing insidiously in my cold bedroom. He is near the edge of my bed now. He is patient and has respected my choice so far. Nevertheless, he holds out that same revolver. That same noose. That same dagger. I tremble with fright because I know I will not be able to resist him much longer. Perhaps soon I’ll know if this was all a dream too.

​
https://preview.redd.it/tsq6lwliydxc1.png?width=922&format=png&auto=webp&s=5aa0071daf494141eac47ef8a75f3f6decf54a33
I yelled and woke with a start. Sweat dripped down my face. My breathing was hard and desperate. I could have sworn I had just been falling. The stickiness of sleep meddled with the cogs of my mind. Slowly my eyes adjusted to the gloom of my bedroom and I found myself alone, safe and warm. No danger here. My heart rate slowed and I chuckled nervously. Soon all fear had seeped from my mind and all memory of my dream had faded. I rolled out of bed and shivered. Quickly I pulled on a sweater and put on my furry slippers. It was cold in this cabin in the middle of the forest. Although internal plumbing and an electric generator had been added, there was still no central heating. This did not bother me much because I always enjoyed having an excuse to light the fire in the living room. I absolutely loved traditional fireplaces.
I was whistling happily in the kitchen, sipping on a glass of cold water as I poured fresh coffee beans into my electric grinder. The sound and smell of coffee being ground always left me feeling content. As my coffee brewed in my French press I cracked two eggs into a bowel and began to whisk. Fifteen minutes later I carried a steaming hot cheese omelet and large mug of coffee out onto my front veranda. I stood in the open doorway, surveying the beauty of the outdoors in the early morning light. The air was cold and fresh; pregnant with complex mixtures of pine and lavender scents. I looked up to see the sky was a deep blue and devoid of all clouds. The thin, dark silhouettes of the trees that surrounded the cabin stood silent and ominous in the soft half-light of the morning. White coats of frost sparkled and melted on the grass as the sun climbed and brightened. I could hear the distant sound of the stream and the call of morning birds.
I sighed deeply with satisfaction and sat down on my wooden chair. This is what I loved more than anything. More than the city that bustles and bursts with busy human lives. More than squeezing myself between strangers on the underground train. More than the sickening smell of the streets and the soulless lack of any natural sounds. In the city there were no crickets, no owls, no frogs. Out here there was an abundance of beauty. The trees were so patient and still. So very different from the rushed, ill-mannered commuters I had as my usual morning partners. I definitely preferred the trees. I took another deep breath. I blew on the steam that rose from my coffee mug and sipped cautiously. The coffee was rich and delicious and scalding hot. Perfect. I began to eat my omelet letting the serenity of nature continue to wash over me. My mood had not been so elated for many months and I was seriously thinking that I should move here full-time. Currently I was working as an English teacher and had decided to come out here to work on my novel and take a break from the city. From my life. Once my excellent breakfast was complete I walked back inside and decided to start a fire to warm up the cabin. As I stooped to check the small wicker basket near the fireplace, that should contain the dried firewood, my eyebrow arched when I found the basket empty. Huh? I could have sworn it was half-full yesterday. Puzzled but not at all alarmed I picked up the basket. Soon I put on my large, worn black coat and made my way outside.
The frosted ground crunched under my large leather boots as I waded through the woods. Finding dry branches for the fire would be fairly difficult at this time of day as most of the ground was damp by now. However, my plan was just to dry them out in the oven before I used them. After spending a few minutes stooping to inspect sticks of various sizes and dampness I finally filled the basket. “Ok, time to go home.” I muttered eagerly as I rubbed my hands together. The air was still cold enough to make my breath visible and I rubbed my hands together. Suddenly I stopped. My eyebrows furrowed. I did not recognize where I was. But how? I had been exploring the woods for days now and not one time had I gotten lost.
My eyes darted back and forth and my head swiveled in confusion. Very soon a creeping panic began to climb from my stomach up into my lungs. My heart began to thump loudly. I looked up at the sun, the voice of my old man ringing in my mind, “Learn to navigate by the stars and sun and you’ll never lose your way”. I smiled, remembering his warm eyes and loud laughter. I missed him. I closed my eyes, concentrating. “Ok, that must be East, so that means I should walk…” I stretched out my arm and hand, index finger pointed. I turned on my heel. “North. That way.”
After a few moments I found my path blocked by a sudden sheer drop. I was facing an enormous quarry. My face blanched. “What… where the hell did this come from?” Again, panic seeped into my blood. “There aren’t any bloody quarries around here!” I moved forward to peek over the edge and peered down. The drop must be at least fifteen meters! I looked from left to right and saw no stairs or bridges. How the hell was I supposed to get across? My confusion grew and grew. Suddenly I froze. There, lying at the very bottom of the quarry, just near the cliff’s bottom, was a mangled body. The light in the sky was still too young to properly illuminate the quarry’s depths, but I could tell it was a body! My eyes bulged and my mouth opened wide with astonishment. “Jesus! Hello? Are you okay down there?” I yelled. Nothing but cold silence pressed against my ears. Suddenly I noticed a path that I had not seen before. It started to my right and wound down the slope before me. Quickly I started hurrying down towards the person; maybe I could still help? Soon I was at the bottom and I ran up to the body that lay still on the ground. As I got closer and the sun grew brighter I stopped dead. The body that lay crumpled at my feet was – me. “No way. There is just absolutely no way!” I shouted. I trembled as I took a step backward. My foot slipped on a large stone and I felt myself begin to fall to the ground.
Suddenly I yelped and my legs kicked out. I blinked in the sudden darkness and found myself on my sofa in the cabin’s living room. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I said out loud as I sat up. I felt the softness of the couch cushions beneath me, I could smell the citrus scents leftover from the wash I’d given them recently. I stood up, my breathing still fast. The large windows showed a stormy afternoon. Rain pelted the glass heavily and the wind howled loudly. “What the hell? It was just a dream?” I repeated. I checked my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. I raked my brain, trying to figure out what was happening. But the details of my dream were fading. “I was in the forest looking for firewood. Then I found that body in that quarry.” It had been so real. I felt quite disoriented. Was I truly awake now? Or still asleep? And that body? What had been so terrible about it? The dream had already seeped away. I couldn’t remember.
Still confused I made my way quickly towards the front door. Just as I opened it there was a deafening peal of thunder and a bright fork of lightning lit up the darkling sky. My mouth dropped open. There, just beyond the veranda, as if it had always been there, was the quarry. That cliff! I closed my mouth. “But… how…” Ignoring the icy rain, I walked towards the edge and once again peeked over. In the cold light of another flash of lightening and rumble of thunder, I saw my own body twisted and broken on the ground below. I gasped. My mind reeled. My heart fluttered. “What is going on?” I yelled looking around for some sort of explanation. When I looked back down again my face turned white. The body, my body, was gone. Suddenly I felt the eyes of a stranger on my back. A feeling of dread crept up my spine. A twig snapped. I spun around.
I stood face to face with my shadow. But he did not look like me. Not exactly. Darkness coated his body like a skintight suit and I could not tell what he was wearing. He may have even been naked for all I know. I could see most of his face and hair, but his eyes were cloaked entirely in semi-circles of shadow which fell below each of his brows. He seemed utterly unconcerned about the storm. “You poor thing. You poor, wretched thing.” When he spoke, his voice was not mine. It was deep and commanding, yet gentle. His words came out slow and calm, almost lulling, “I caught you as you fell. You can be at peace forever. But you must choose now.” He stretched out a tenebrous hand and pointed toward the edge of the cliff. Suddenly I noticed something new appear in his hands. It was a book. It was my book. The one I had been writing. Had I already finished it? Or had I just started?
He turned to one of the middle pages and read, “‘Life is the antithesis of peace. Death is the antithesis of suffering.’” He snapped the book closed and turned again to face me, “How trite. Yet, so often the plainest truths are. All you want is peace, is it not? You are right in thinking that life can never provide this.” A cold smile curled his lips. “Even the living forests you so admire are crawling with suffering and conflict. Even the trees that appear so peaceful, so still, are wordlessly fighting each other for light. Racing against each other to claim their own space. It is the nature of the living to struggle.” Confusion fought with terror in my mind. I stammered. “I…I don’t understand. What is this place? Who are you?” Suddenly the man robed in darkness leapt at me and clasped my wrist, “You know who I am”. Small crimson lights flared to life like ignes fatui in the depths of his sockets. He began to pull me towards the edge. “No! Wait!” I shouted, digging my heels into the wet grass. But he was too strong. He snarled, “Isn’t this what you wanted?” and before I could stop myself I was crying from desperation. Then with a strength that could not be human he lifted me above his head, and threw me over the side of the quarry. Lightning flashed as the air rushed through my hair. I screamed as I plummeted to my death.
I yelled and woke with a start. I heard the soft beeping of monitors. I felt the scratchy linens of a hospital bed beneath me. Pain followed swiftly and exploded through my limbs. My voice was croaky and dry as I spoke, “Where…what the hell…what happened?” A nurse rushed to my side. “It’s alright love, you’ve ‘ad a bit of a tumble. Doctor’s got you all sorted. Just rest now”. Her voice was warm and comforting, like a cup of tea.
My memory returned to me slowly. My family did not own any cabin in the forest. The day of the accident I had been jogging in the woods and took my usual route near the abandoned quarry. I remember exactly what had happened. For a long time, I have been overwhelmed with my work and underwhelmed with my life. I wanted nothing more than to finish my novel and bail on all my teaching responsibilities. My father had also recently died after a long and horrible fight with cancer and it was the first time I realized that at my age life stops providing and starts taking. I realized that soon all those things, all those people, I could once rely on were not going to last forever. An invisible fire was lit in my flesh and I felt my time was rapidly running out.
I jogged far, leaving the city limits. As I stood at the edge of that quarry, panting, my sadness hanging on me heavily, I had, for a moment, contemplated jumping. I had thought about it often before. As I stared down, I imagined my broken body at the bottom of the cliff. Then, like in all my low moments, I let the cold inhumanness of the universe fill me up.
With my eyes closed all I could hear was my mother crying over my father’s corpse. All I could hear were the endless calls from the funeral home asking for their money. All the constant knocking of debt collectors on our door. All I could see were the endless medical bills flooding the postbox. All I felt was loneliness. A horrible, unrelenting, unsolvable loneliness. I had no great love, no amazing career, and my writing would never be good enough to publish. All I could feel was the gaping hole my father had left behind. It hurt. For just a moment I convinced myself I did not belong here anymore. My lips trembled. I walked right up to the edge. I felt my sadness swell in my chest. I clenched my fists tightly. I imagined taking a single step forward. It would be so easy. I imagined the air rushing past me. Falling to my doom. I imagined the horrible pain of the impact. But I also imagined the peace that would come after. A peace I craved. I imagined a picturesque cabin in the woods. A beautiful fireplace. A shelter from the city. A place where I could rest. It was in that moment of contemplative despair, before I could fully commit to the act, that the old unstable ground of the quarry crumbled beneath my feet and I had slipped from the edge and fell. Only the shadows were there to catch me.
Recovery was slow. My mother and sister came to visit me multiple times and made the stay at the hospital bearable. How many dreams had I had? How much had I awoken and then re-awoken? Could I be sure I was truly awake now? As I pondered this I tried to remember. But all I could recall was that very last dream. Those dark horrible eyes. The terror of that very last fall. In that moment, I had realized what I wanted. Now I felt rejuvenated in a way I had not felt for many years. The exhaustion of my spirit had finally been ameliorated. I actually looked forward to getting out of bed. I actually wanted to go to school again. My passion for teaching was reignited. Soon after my recovery I even managed to get my novel published but did not make much money.
Many years have passed since my fall and I’m in my 60s now and retired and have never married. I now know that those dreams were not just dreams. That phantom I confronted has remained with me. Whenever the stresses of life pile up and I become fatigued, he comes to me. He still waits for me. He is real. I see his eyes covered in shadow. Tiny pinpricks of red-light flicker therein. At first, I only saw him rarely; glimpses in dreams. As time went on and I grew older and weary of the world once more I began to see him in the corner of my room every night. What’s worse was that in those moments when I feel the lowest I find myself craving the solitude of that cabin. The peace it brought with it. All this I craved despite the price.
Last week I attended my mother’s funeral. It was a small affair, most of her friends having died many years before. I saw my sister there with her husband and children. They are so happy and full of life. I feel a pang of jealousy but also relief. My life was always to be a solitary one. My sister and I cried during the service. When we chatted later we tried in vain to comfort each other. I returned alone to my home in London while she returned home with her husband and children to Edinburgh. I missed her a great deal too. I often thought about our growing up together.
Since the funeral I see him constantly now. Often his shadow-hidden hand stretches out and he holds a revolver. But he does not mean to shoot me. No. He holds the revolver’s ivory handle toward me. Sometimes he holds out a hangman’s noose. Sometimes it’s a long, ornate dagger. Most recently he holds out a canister of helium gas. And a plastic bag for my head. Each time he does this I resist him. Sometimes, when I’m alone, I even yell at him to leave. His face remains dark, stony and enigmatic.
None of this would scare me quite so much if I had not just realized one terrible detail. What turns my blood to ice from fear is that every time I see him he is infinitesimally closer. How had I not noticed before? Perhaps it was a kindness. Gooseflesh runs down my neck as I see him standing insidiously in my cold bedroom. He is near the edge of my bed now. He is patient and has respected my choice so far. Nevertheless, he holds out that same revolver. That same noose. That same dagger. I tremble with fright because I know I will not be able to resist him much longer. Perhaps soon I’ll know if this was all a dream too.