I'm new to concealed carry and I am a fat guy, not scooter needing fat but big beer belly fat and I'm struggling to find a holster that works well. I have a hard time finding an ankle holster thats big enough and am going crazy trying to find an extension for one. Belly bands are not great for fat guys either though so any suggestions would be appreciated...

Choosing the right holster is one of the most important decisions for concealed carriers. A quality holster not only ensures the safe and secure retention of your firearm but also provides comfort and accessibility for everyday carry. In this guide, we'll explore the different types of concealed carry holsters available and offer tips for finding the perfect fit to meet your needs.
Types of Concealed Carry Holsters:
There are several types of holsters available for concealed carry, each with its own advantages and considerations:

1. Inside-the-Waistband (IWB) Holsters: IWB holsters are worn inside the waistband of your pants, typically clipped onto the belt. They offer excellent concealment and are popular for everyday carry due to their low profile and close proximity to the body.
2. Outside-the-Waistband (OWB) Holsters: OWB holsters are worn outside the waistband and are typically attached to the belt. While they offer less concealment compared to IWB holsters, OWB holsters are often preferred for open carry and can be more comfortable for larger firearms.
3. Ankle Holsters: Ankle holsters are worn around the ankle, providing a discreet and easily accessible carry option. They are ideal for carrying smaller firearms as backup weapons or in situations where traditional holsters may be impractical.
4. Shoulder Holsters: Shoulder holsters are worn over the shoulder and under the arm, with the firearm positioned on the opposite side of the body. They offer a comfortable carry option, particularly for larger firearms, and provide quick access to the firearm when needed.

Choosing the Right Holster:
When selecting a concealed carry holster, consider the following factors to ensure the perfect fit:

1. Comfort: Look for a holster that feels comfortable when worn for extended periods. Features such as padded backing, adjustable straps, and breathable materials can enhance comfort.
2. Retention: Opt for a holster with secure retention to prevent your firearm from falling out or being easily accessed by unauthorized individuals. Features such as adjustable retention screws or retention straps can provide added security.
3. Accessibility: Choose a holster that allows for quick and easy access to your firearm when needed. Consider factors such as draw angle, holster placement, and accessibility with different types of clothing.
4. Concealability: Ensure that your holster provides effective concealment, keeping your firearm discreetly hidden under clothing. Look for low-profile designs and adjustable cant options to optimize concealment.
5. Durability: Invest in a high-quality holster made from durable materials that can withstand daily wear and tear. Features such as reinforced stitching, sturdy clips or loops, and moisture-resistant coatings can enhance longevity.

Conclusion:
Finding the perfect holster is essential for comfortable, secure, and discreet concealed carry. Whether you prefer an IWB, OWB, ankle, or shoulder holster, prioritize comfort, retention, accessibility, concealability, and durability when making your selection. At Marksmen Market, we offer a wide range of high-quality holsters to meet your concealed carry needs, ensuring that you can carry confidently and responsibly every day.

"With a deal brokered by the NRA, Sig Sauer and Lululemon have entered into a partnership to introduce partner-branded clothing which will be offered at Lululemon's 450 US locations as well their online store. NRA acting president Charles Cotton approached Lululemon's CEO, Calvin McDonald, at a charity golf outing earlier in the Spring and mentioned how Lululemon's products were becoming a favorite among concealed carriers in the US, suggesting that an alliance with a gun manufacturer in a co-branded scenario would likely be a brand success.
After meetings arranged by the NRA with several handgun manufacturers, Lululemon chose Sig Sauer as their partner of choice. Design teams are underway and products are expected to be available by October 2024. Initial products will include the Lululemon Tactical Cross-Body Bag which will include Kydex inserts which will accommodate an easy clip-on feature for both OWB and IWB holsters, allowing for easy transfer of holsters from belt to bag. Tom Taylor, Chief Marketing Officer at Sig Sauer Inc., noted that these bags will be a terrific accessory for summer carry and that they are excited to partner with a prominent brand force such as Lululemon. He also noted that this brand partnership will help further the mission of both Sig Sauer and the NRA in bringing more women into the shooting sports.
In addition to the cross-body bags, Lululemon will develop a yoga pant where the stretch side pocket on the right thigh, instead of being sized for an iPhone, will be sized for the popular Sig Sauer P365 pistol, which is a favorite for concealed carry, especially for women due to its smaller frame and grip. On the opposite side, the stretch pocket will accommodate an extra magazine.
The much-recognized circular SIG logo will be prominently featured on the back of the yoga pant above the tailbone, and the Lululemon logo will remain on the pant at the ankle. For the cross-body bag, the SIG logo will replace the Lululemon logo on the front of the bag and the word "Lululemon" will adorn the belt.
For more information, contact Lululemon's press representative at 1-888-JUST-KIDDING."

As always, thank you to u/SpacePaladin15 for the wonderful universe that is NoP! Thank you to u/cruisingNW for proof reading and helping me make this chapter as good as it can be, you're the man! Honestly LoM wouldn't have gone very far without him! If you haven't you should absolutely go read Foundations of Humanity! It's very good AND it just updated!
A big thanks to u/Saint-Andros for helping with proofreading! He writes Out of Our Elements which is a very good one! If you like a good fic in the wilderness and a pair of cute 'friends' ;) you'll love OOE!
Also thank you to u/brotanics! For this wonderful fanart of Taisa. And this one! She's so cute I'm gonna die
And thank you to u/Jimdandy117! For this adorable fanart of Chris and Renkel! Dear god help he's adorable I love him so much
Thank you u/SlimyRage, or AsciiSquid on Discord, for makin' Vengineer Taisa Gamin'. She's absolutely adorable, I love her lil' workers apron. She looks so excited to get to work!
Thank you u/Braquen! For this astounding Pixel Art of Taisa after a few range day dates with Chris! Her little hat and gunbelt are absolutely astounding!
Thank you u/VeryUnluckyDice! For this Artwork of Taisa and Chris as characters from One Piece! I've never seen or read it before but it's incredibly cute!
Thank you to u/creditmission for their wonderful work of several LoM fanfics!
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Memory Transcription Subject: Taisa, Venlil Starship Engineer, Crystal Star Shipping Co-Owner
Date [Standardized Human Time]: October 16th, 2136
My ear twitches as it catches the first sounds of morning coming from the kitchen, and Chris snorts at the sudden interruption. I delight in the comforting pull of his arms, even if it tugs my wool a little. He draws small circles in the wool of my back, gently coaxing me to wake alongside him, even as his groggy grumble reminds me how long I’d already been awake.
“G’Mornin, Darlin’.” He yawns before planting a small kiss on my snout, eagerly met by my own happy mewl as I stretched and wove my claws through the ‘wool’ on his chest, “Sleep well?”
“Better than I would have thought…” I purred, nuzzling up into his neck as I stretched, reaching for my pad on the bed-side before flicking it on to a notification from over a claw ago that it’d lost signal. “Don’t know if Mama even responded.”
“I’m sorry, Darlin’.” He whispered, pulling me in tight to his chest with a sorrowful look on his face.
“I hope they’re alright.” I whispered back, pressing in close as I pulled my eyes from the empty screen, dropping the pad to fall into the mattress beside us.
“I’m sure they are, hon’.” Chris’ voice poured through me as he held me tight, his hands still gently caressing my wool as the sounds in the kitchen grew ever louder. “Though, if’n we make it out the other side of all this, I think your Pa’s gonna have words for me again.”
“Mama too!” A small burble of whistling laughter filled my throat at the memory of Papa angrily jabbing a claw up at Chris’ hulking form when we’d returned from The Cradle.
“I’ll bet they’re happier to see us alive than they will be angry we stayed.” Chris rumbled in reply, his hand trailing lightly through my wool down my back.
“I hope so.” I sighed, stretching in his grasp, doing my best to work the lethargy from my limbs as the tantalizing taste of whatever Darlene was cooking reached my tongue. “For now let's just…”
“Get through this as best we can? Agreed.” Chris grunted, finishing my hanging sentence as he propped himself up against a pile of pillows and suddenly pulled me against him. A soft bleat of surprise slipped from my mouth, quickly silenced by a wonderfully warm kiss that I eagerly pressed into. A small smile crossed his lips as we hung there, separated by no more than a breath of air before he spoke. “Smells like Ma’s makin’ up somethin’ delicious.”
“Of course food is the first thing your mind goes to once you’re actually awake.” I laughed, my tail slipping from his leg to playfully tap the side of his face as I slid down to nuzzle his neck.
“When Ma’s cookin’ you bet it is!” He replied, placing another, softer kiss on my crown before shifting out beneath me and rising to his feet with a stretch and a yawn. “‘Sides, it beats stayin’ in bed all day just… waitin’.”
“Yea, yea I suppose it does.” My ears drooped at the mention of what was coming, that hanging specter of the Extermination Fleet slipping to the forefront of my mind as I ran my claws through my wool, peering into the old mirror in the corner. “What did you want to do today?”
“First: eat breakfast. Then we feed the cows real quick ‘fore they get upset. After that, I figure we go up to the peak again and watch the lightshow. Hidin’ won’t do us no good anyhow, least we can have a nice view if’n it all comes down.” He answered, his voice stiff in its attempts to be nonchalant, doing his best to stay upbeat despite the subject. “Make a few sandwiches and snacks, take a nice hike and just watch.”
“Think that’ll help at all?” I asked, my voice only just louder than a whisper as I turned from the mirror, finding him already dressed and, for the most part, groomed.
“No clue, but I bet it’ll feel a lot better than sitting in a dank hole waiting for it to end anyhow.” Chris shrugged, pulling his hat down tight on his head as he bent over to give me another kiss. “‘Sides, I bet Roscoe’d love to find his way along for a bit. Though you might have to fight him o’er the peaches.”
A jolt of surprise flicked up my ears as I felt my tail wag at the thought of the dog joyfully chomping at the peaches, his little shoot-tail wagging as fast as he could manage. “That does sound nice…”
“Thought you’d like that. Now, how’s ‘bout we get some breakfast?” He asked with a smile, stepping to the door with a sure stride before swinging it open and gesturing me through. “After you, Hon’.”
The delightful, familiar taste of sizzling potatoes, carrots and all manner of spices I couldn’t recognize filled the air as we stepped into the kitchen to find Darlene hard at work over the stove, whistling happily as she was surrounded by what I thought had to be the entire kitchen’s worth of pots, pans, skillets and tools. Michael and Ryan were sat at the island across from her, chatting idly as Roscoe happily trotted to Chris and I.
A twitch of fear zipped down my spine and out of my tail as the dog looked up to me, letting out a soft whine as he licked his chops and plopped to the floor before rolling over to show Chris and I his belly.
“Good Morn’ Roscoooe! Time for some belly rubs, ol’ buddy.” Chris cooed, stooping over to vigorously rub at the dogs belly, eliciting a rising rumble of groans, pants and whines as the brown and white mass of fur wiggled back and forth happily. “You happy to see Taisa again, bud?”
A lolling, pink tongue fell from Roscoe’s mouth as he basked in the moment of adoring attention. I glanced up, finding Chris’ parents and Ryan watching me hover off to Chris’ side. Michael gave me a nod and a small smile, gently encouraging me forward to Chris’ side. “He still won’t bite ya, unless’n ya consider over-eager kisses to be bitin’.”
The light warmth of a small bloom spread under my wool as I stepped forward, crouching at Chris’ side. Worry flashed through my mind while I looked down at Roscoe’s glistening, pointed teeth before being rapidly replaced by amusement as he let out an adorable, appreciative grunt that sounded far too much like Papa after settling into a good bath to relax.
You’ve come this far already, he was plenty gentle last time you were here paw-feeding him peaches.
My paw slipped into his fur, met by a warm, soft blanket that I hadn’t fully expected as I slowly massaged my claws through his coat, eliciting another battery of pleased groans. Before I knew it, both of my paws were hard at work rubbing and scratching though his fur as if I weren’t touching a predator like it was nothing to be worried about.
Maybe because it isn’t. You’re in love with one, after all.
The distinct clink of plates being set on the countertop snapped me from the luxurious fur of Roscoe’s coat as Darlene’s sing-song voice filled the air. “Breakfast is served!”
“Taisa, I couldn’t rightly convince Michael or Ryan to give up a Naw’lins breakfast today but don’chu worry. I’ve got the vegan options set aside for ya in the green bowls and the blue carton next to the coffee is the vanilla oat…” She paused a moment, obviously searching her mind for a ‘better’ word than whatever the actual one was. “Juice? It’s good to cut the coffee with, if’n it’s a bit too strong for ya. Oh! And the orange pitcher is orange juice if ya really don’t like the coffee!”
I looked across the table, finding four green bowls and a platter amongst a scattered sea of different colored bowls, platters and trays. Ryan leaned forward, gently sticking his fork into a thin, flaky white slab sat atop a blue plate before setting it onto his own.
Is that…
Does it really matter anymore?
Chris pulled his eyes from the spread of food in front of us, glancing over at me with worried eyes as the rest of his family set about preparing their own plates. He slipped into a stool with a soft creak, pulling a plate in front of himself before settling a napkin across his lap. Another zip of fear bolted down my tail at the thought of my Love digging into a cut of flesh like his brother was. I could feel my ears swiveling with anxiety as my tail all but twisted itself into knots and I watched him gently skewer a few pieces of fruit and collect a scoop of some steaming medley of vegetables.
Is Chris going to?
It's lab-grown, isn’t it? Not a single animal was hurt making it so why shouldn’t he? Is it really any worse than a plant when it’s grown in a lab?
My wool flared with worry as I settled into the stool next to him, nervously fidgeting with the plate and ‘fork’ in front of me as I watched Chris’ family take their picks of the spread on the table. Each one had picked at least something off the… other plates before picking a few pieces of fruit: a steaming helping of rice and vegetables, a scoop of those delicious crispy tubers Papa loved or whatever those fluffy, golden pillows were off the green dishes. Chris looked over to me again, his gaze making me feel like I was little more than an upset pup about to throw a fit for not being entirely comfortable.
Disappointment…
That’s not what he thinks and you know it.
But what if he does? What if I a-
You’re not. And we already knew what he was when we made our decision. It had to happen sometime, didn’t it?
I let out a soft sigh, placing a paw on his thigh and meeting his eye as he took a crunchy bite from an apple. “Chris, what do you want to eat?”
“I’m fine with some fr-” He started, talking between chews of his apple, earning an annoyed look from Darlene.
“No, not what you’re fine with, what do you want to eat?” I repeated, pressing my paw a little tighter to his leg as my tail found its way around his ankle. “I… you don’t have to try and dance around what you are for my sake, Love. I love you for you, not your diet. If I could get past the eyes I can get past this.”
“You sure?” He whispered, glancing from me to that same plate he’d kept looking at in the middle of the table with a few cuts of pink and speckled black meat on it. “I don’t wanna ma-”
“Chris, you’ve done nothing but take supplements, indulge Papa’s cooking and eat a genuinely concerning volume of string-fruit for the past few herds. Yes, I’m sure.” I answered, patting his leg and taking a deep breath before watching as he looked to his family for a moment and then back to me.
Chris’ mouth hung open as he tried to stammer a response, some assurance, some empty ‘I’m fine’, before he sighed, setting his hand softly on mine and squeezing gently before I turned my paw over to squeeze back. “… Thank you, Darlin’. Mama’s blackened Red-Drum n’ grits ‘re worth it, I promise you that.”
“Go for it, big-guy.” I purred, doing my best to bolster my confidence as he leaned forward to take a scoop of the off-white grain, dropping it into a bowl before gently laying a sliver of pink and black flesh across the top of it.
A silver spoon cut a piece of the meat free along with a scoop of the ‘grits’, he drew in a deep breath as it hung just before his mouth, closing his eyes with a small smile that reminded me all too much of Mama when Papa made one of her Mama’s recipes. The spoon slipped into his mouth, the food disappearing with it, prompting a pleasant groan from Chris before he leaned back in his chair and let out a contented sigh. “Stars I’ve missed that. No offense to your Pa’ but ain’t nothin’ beat’s Ma’s cookin’.”
“I t-think he might contest that.” I replied, as a shiver passed through my wool at the thought before I quickly batted it away, doing my best to plant my foot against the building anxiety in my chest. “What should I have?”
“Can’t go wrong with Ma’s pancakes and some maple syrup! Fluffy as all hell and just as sweet.Fully Vegan too!” He replied, pointing to the golden pillows before breaking off another chunk of flesh as his voice turned mischievous. “‘Tween that, some fruit and a good helping of roasted vegetables, I’m not sure you could fit much else.”
“Excuse you! I can eat my fill plenty!” I bleated back, pulling my eyes from the contents of his bowl to look over the ‘pancakes’, catching a trio of amused eyes watching us as we bickered. Defiantly I leaned forward and skewered one, plopping it on my plate before collecting the flask of brown syrup, dumping a hardy portion on top of it and cutting a slice free to pop into my mouth.
Stars above was he right.
The dough all but melted in my mouth, the nutty sweetness of the syrup mixed with the light airy taste of the pancake to make something that far outstripped any dessert Strayu I’d ever had. I found myself letting out a trill of happiness as I took another bite, my tail wagging ecstatically at each delicious chew before my plate was suddenly empty again.
“Don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone go through one of Ma’s Vegan pancakes quite that fast other’n Annie.” Ryan laughed before skewering another few golden brown chunks of potato and popping them in his mouth.
“Well lucky for her, seconds are an option!” Darlene replied with a broad grin, gently cutting her meal up as she watched me reach for another delicious pancake. “So, what are you two getting up to today?”
“Well,” Chris mumbled past a mouthful of his food, holding a fist to his mouth seemingly appeasing her, even if only just, before continuing. “I’s figurin’ we’ll take care of feedin’ the cow’s for y’all ‘fore we head up to the outlook to… watch.”
“Oh! Thank you, Son.” Michael responded, sliding his now clean plate away from himself as he spoke. “Guess Ryan an’ I can get some work done in the garage then!”
“I’ll have some snacks and a good dinner ready for you two when you’re done! Won’t do to go up there and be hungry!” Darlene exclaimed, a flash of excitement in her eyes as she started to rattle off options she could have ready for us to take up.
“Thank you Ma’. Whatever you decide on I’m sure we’ll love it.” Chris stated, a small smile pulling at the corners of his face as he scooped the last of the grits from his bowl.
It’s like nothing’s even happening to them. Just like it’s another normal paw.
[Advance Transcript by Time Unit: 8 Hours]
The silence of the forest around us echoed with the sounds of calling birds and rustling leaves that sounded strikingly familiar to the preserves at home, the dragging weight of a ‘lunch box’ that was positively stuffed to the brim with food hung on my shoulder as we steadily plodded our way up the mountainside. The sky far above had shifted, the pale blues and white clouds of day deepening into streaking purples, fiery oranges and brilliant yellows as the sun had begun to set. It still amazed me that he got to see the night every paw, watching what Heartwood River had built an entire festival around, something that most Venlil never even saw in the first place was so common, so beautiful.
It was astoundingly, beautifully, breathtaking.
Chris’ heavy footfalls a few tails ahead pulled me from my thoughts, the soft, hollow clunk of his guitar on his hip accompanied the jangling clink of the golden buckles on his rifle’s sling as he spoke. “Not much farther now, Darlin’. You still good carryin’ dinner? I can take it off ya’ ‘til we get to the top if’n ya need.”
I stifled a snicker as I readjusted the strap, picking up my pace so I wasn’t slowing us down. “I’m fine. Not like I’m gonna let you carry everything, Heartwood. Besides, lower gravity certainly helps!”
“Oh? You gonna jump up to give me another kiss?” He laughed, slowing his stride for a few steps to let me catch up. “Certainly wouldn’t mind any.”
“Oh really? Maybe I will!”” I purred back, sticking my tongue out at him as he shifted the rifle around to rest against his back, prompting another thought to surface in my mind. “Why’d you bring the revolver and the rifle?”
He gave a noncommittal shrug and grunt, his hand rising to rest on the gleaming pistol as the holster squeaked and groaned a little under the weight. “Just… feels like somethin’ I can control in all this. ‘Sides, she’s like an old good luck charm. Pappy always told me I’d never be alone so long’s I kept a good rifle by my side when things got rough. I figure there ain’t nothin’ much rougher’n this.”
A soft mewl of understanding slipped from my snout as the path beneath our feet leveled out, the trees in front of us fading away to a vast expanse of rising mountain peaks and deep, tree filled valleys framing the setting sun like a perfectly placed photograph. “Mama always seems to feel better when she’s got that old rifle of hers around, said having it nearby always calmed her nerves.”
“I’m surprised that monster doesn’t knock her on her ass! I need to get her to let me send some rounds through that thing sometime to feel it out.” He replied with a smile, gently setting his old wooden guitar down, leaning it against the low edge of the rock outcropping before slinging his rifle free and bringing it to his shoulder to look out across the valley. “Ol’ Isabella ain’t never let me down, she’s like a lucky charm ‘s far as I’m concerned.”
“I know you said your ‘Pappy’ gave her to you for those competitions you two used to go to, but I don’t think you ever told me why it was that gun specifically.” I asked, nonchalantly setting my load down on top of the rock outcropping, doing my best to hide the wag in my tail as I tried to nudge him into rambling again. It was always cute when he got excited about something.
Same thing he said about me getting tail deep in oil, spare parts and burnt carbon.
“Ol’ Izzy? She’s a Henry Model ‘60. Same gun the ‘hero’ used in one of our favorite movies set back in the eighteen hundreds, or at least a really nice replica with some customizations Pappy and I had ‘our’ gunsmith down in town do.” He answered, slipping the lever down with the sweet sound of well maintained linkages and religiously oiled parts.
“What’d you have them do?” I asked, leering around his side to stare up at the rifle in his hands, my ears raised with interest as he lowered it and crouched to my height to show me.
“Most of it was to do with the action, bringin’ her up to competition grade. Lightening a few parts here, strengthening a few bolts there, tightening up some linkages over yonder. Cleaned out the rifling, added a loop lever and made the trigger feather weight. Top it all off with the blackout finish to make the gold pop against her ebony furniture and damn if she ain’t pretty.” He let out a chuckle as he polished a smudge from the rifle’s gleaming flank, a fond look on his face as he brought his eyes up to cast a gaze out across the mountain range. “Hell, Pappy always used to joke that she ‘was the only woman that boy’d ever need’. Mama never was a fan of that one...”
Stars I love it when he gets like this.
“Is that normal, for Humans?”
“Hmm?”
“Getting that attached to a firearm? Mama used to spend a whole half-claw taking her rifle apart, oiling it, checking the connections and making sure everything was right before putting it back together again. She said it helped calm her down when her leg hurt.”
“Firearms specifically? No, not really, most people just have something what’s important to them for one reason or another. Pa’s ol’ telescope was another gift from Pappy and whenever he gets stressed out he just sits there and stares up at the sky with it. Ma’ loves her ol’ mixer from the restaurant, anytime she gets wired she dives straight into making something to keep her hands busy…” He sighed as his hands tightened around the rifle for a moment before he leaned it against the rock outcrop and sat down. “For me, Izzy’s one of the few things that ain’t family that’s always been there and… she’s really the last thing I have of Pappy… Man, I miss him sometimes.”
“He sounds like he meant a lot to you, Heartwood… I wish I’d gotten to meet him.”
“He did, Darlin’... He sure did.”
Silence fell between the two of us as I slipped down to sit beside him, the only sounds around us those of the forest itself and the hollow, musical winds of the valleys beyond. Chris’ hand found my back, my tail slipping tight around his wrist as I pressed into him. Everything was quiet again as we watched the sun dip below the distant horizon, the spectrum of vibrant colors slipping away to the deep black-blue of night and its tapestry of stars.
Stars above but that moon was beautiful.
I’d seen it last time we were here, but not like this. This time it was massive, a glowing white spot-light casting down onto us, the rising mountains and the rest of Earth below it. A dusting of black dots zipped back and forth in front of it, Earth’s defenders settling into their final preparations as the Extermination fleet no doubt closed in.
Like it's trying to shine a little light of its own.
Michael had shown us video from one of Earth’s orbital telescopes of the U.N.’s opening salvo, a veritable basin of FTL propelled asteroids they had managed to drop from warp just in front of the fleet had sent them scampering out of the way as best they could. More than a few Federation ships had been turned to scrap-piles against the rocks while a few pawfuls more slammed into each other in their panic. It was crafty, that was certain, I’d never seen anything even close to it tried before in any of the history books I’d read. Humanity, it seemed, was pulling out all the stops they could think of.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me at least a little hope.
“What was the movie?” I asked, breaking the silence with a whisper, doing my best to lift the mood back up to something positive. I nuzzled his neck gently before I rose, padding over to root around in the bag to find what Darlene had packed for us.
“Old western flick, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. ‘Bout a few outlaws durin’ the civil war a few hundred years ago tryin’ to steal a bunch of gold and what not. I’d show it to you but… well it’s kinda violent. Don’t think it even made it near the data-dump.”
“Heartwood, after what we’ve gone through I think a ‘rather violent’ movie is the least of things to be concerned about me bolting off for. Once this is all over I think a claw spent curled up in bed watching a movie would be well deserved.”
“Well… it’s a bit more than thaaaat.” He stated, his voice stretching as I heard the smile I knew was spreading on his face fill his voice clear as the river. “That’s the last movie in the saga, can’t just watch one!”
“Then we can make a whole paw of it!” I replied, my voice a happy, joking purr as I pulled the first platter of vegetables and ‘nut-cheeses’ from inside the bag before meandering back over to Chris. “Get some more of that ‘sushi’ from the place you won’t shut up about in Tokyo, put the movies on the holo-viewer in our cabin and just relax.”
“Damn if that don’t sound like a nice date night to me.” He replied, reaching up to snag a slice of apple from the tray as I set it on the rock in front of me.
He glanced over, meeting my eyes as we sat and watched the gathering storm in the void beyond, his voice strong and confident as he spoke, even if his inflection was still horrible. “I love you, Tai… Whatever happens, I love you.”
“I love you too, Chris.” I affirmed, staring back into his eyes before placing my crown gently to his forehead. “Whatever happens.”
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I have been carrying for over 10 years and still have not found the perfect rig for one specific purpose.
I am looking for a very simple, very thin leather holster with a belt clip to carry at 1 o’clock to the right of my belt buckle inside my first Jean belt loop. And I am looking for it to ride low as in trigger guard below the waistline.
I have tried everything from tier 1 to Vedder light tuck to that weird kangaroo holster system with a leg harness strap thingy to the Galco king tuck, and everything in between and what I always go back to doing, is simply taking my Smith & Wesson shield and shoving it down my waist with the grip sticking out in the 1 o’clock position. I am a slender guy about 5’10”, 168 pounds and every single holster I have purchased (well over 10 different rigs) print like crazy.
I have tried belt slide holsters with the thumb break. I have tried outside the waistband. I have tried inside the waistband. I have tried Kydex. I have tried ankle rigs, and even an AC undercover compression shirt with the holster pouch under my left armpit.
I dress like a cowboy in other words, snug jeans, T-shirt, cowboy boots.
I am not looking for a bag or fanny pack or sling bag or any other tactical bag, and I am looking to carry on my body.
The problem is if it prints and it’s uncomfortable, I simply will not wear a gun which defeats the entire purpose of concealed carry.
This is a very purpose driven holster. It is not my every day holster.
I am fully aware that most concealed carry people will tell you to buy your clothes large, but the problem is I don’t wear all the time so this doesn’t suit me. I’m aware that everybody advocates for retention. That’s not what I’m looking for. I am simply looking for basically a leather sock that conceals the trigger guard that I can tuck my pistol into to go to and from the store or gas station or when I’m, running a quick errand and simply having it more secure than just being tucked into my jeans.
I have Fairly high-quality leather rigs with a thumb break and all that for when I’m carrying all day or in the field.
Cost is not an issue.
Alright folks, what have you got?

Any blue collar working folks have experience ankle carrying a j frame? I’m pretty sure I’d have to buy new jeans that are super baggy or boot cut or something to make it work? Any thoughts or guidance on what not to try for wardrobe or holsters?

Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Brick, Jasmine, Justin, Millie, Trent
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, MK, Ripper, Scott, Sky
Episode 5: 3:10 to Wildtown
"People have always been drawn to the beauty of the sea," Chris began as the shot opened up on the distant hilly shore of some unnamed body of water, the sun risen but not quite high in the sky. The shot faded into a close-up of a beach laden with dried up shells and starfish, a pine forest visible in the distance; another fade took the scene to a seagull resting peacefully on top of a buoy. The peaceful background music that had been playing shifted into a deeper, more threateningly ominous tune reminiscent of certain shark-based monster movies as a dorsal fin cut through the water in front of the buoy, startling the gull into flight.
The music came to a head, and Chris McLean broke the surface with a chuckle, the fake fin strapped to his head. "But that's not where we were last time! Sky's surfing adventure turned trailer park when a twister ruined her fun. And Brick was stripped bare. Nice pecs, dude!"
"Thanks to Chase's gnarly moves, the Gaffers won the first challenge. Meanwhile, Trent almost drove everyone nutso with his obsessive "nine of everything", while Anne Maria won her team over with her paper mache. Though the 'Taj Ma-Kate' was cool, the next challenge went to the Grips’ ‘Casa Sky’."
"Tied at one apiece, the Gaffers were crowned the watusi winners when Trent "accidentally" twisted an ankle. And Ripper got down, scoring them a Hawaiian-style luau.”
"With only eleven left, which team will get the upper hand? Find out next, on Total! Drama! Action!"
(Theme Song)
The episode opened up on a shot of the sun before the camera panned down and to the right, landing on Jasmine and Millie sitting curled up on a bench under a purple-and-white parasol, mouths hanging open as they panted and looked generally uncomfortable. Another pan showed Anne Maria sitting on the steps of the girls' trailer beneath the canopy, with MK slumped next to her; like Jasmine and Millie, they were panting heavily.
The camera panned over again just as Scott leaned out the window of the guys' trailer. "Hey sun," he grumbled, "who told you to be so hot today?!" He groaned again and flopped forward.
Confessional: Scott
"I'm no stranger to hot and sunny days," Scott explained in the make-up confessional, dripping with sweat. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it, especially since my farm has no air conditioning!"
Confessional Ends
Justin was relaxing on a chair as Ripper laid on the ground next to him. "A fan would be useful right now," Justin said.
"Get… get it yourself," Ripper panted. “Too… too tired for insults.”
The shot zoomed out, showing Brick squatting in what looked to be a kiddie pool and Chase sitting on a wooden bench with his hoodie taken off.
A few sniffs preluded a cut over to Sky, who was sitting by a tree. "I hate having summer colds. Especially when it's a hundred and five degrees hot," she moaned, sniffing a few more times before sneezing.
The scene zoomed out to show Trent sitting next to her by a rock. “Water?” he offered a bottle to Sky. “It's not going to cure your sickness completely, but it will make you sneeze less.”
"It's probably just allergies, but I'll take the water," Sky grabbed the bottle and squirted some water into her mouth.
Confessional: Trent
"If there's one good thing that comes out of this heat wave,” Trent said, “it's that me and Sky can be together without anybody else around.”
Confessional: Sky
"I like that I was able to talk to Trent," Sky told the confessional camera. "The only downsides are that I'm a bit unwell and there's no air conditioning. My gymnastics center is the place to go if you're looking for extreme coolness. The breezy air gives us the courage to perform well."
Confessionals End
A single chanted word began a Western tune as Chris stepped in front of the camera. Only his face was visible; he was squinting, had a toothpick sticking out of his mouth, and seemed to be wearing a cowboy hat. He cocked the hammer of a revolver and fired a shot into the air, startling Brick, causing Scott to bolt upright, and earning a cry from MK as she held her hands over her ears.
"Chris!" MK shouted in annoyance.
"My ears!" Scott added.
"Take it easy," Chris told them, a revolver in each hand. "Guns are loaded with blanks." He blew the smoke off one directly into Scott's face, then spun them on his fingers and holstered them. "Least I'm pretty sure one of 'em is." He laughed, then broke into a cowboy drawl as he walked into the center of the common area. "Since there's no beatin' the heat, we're goin' west this week! There's a town meetin' at high noon! Be there, or I'll drive ya deadbeats outta town!"
Confessional: Jasmine
Jasmine was fanning herself with her hat. “Normally, I'd be as chipper as a squirrel about the challenge today, but not when it's this hot!” she panted. “Australia's an Arctic compared to this.”
Confessional Ends
The scene cut to a close-up of a silver pocket watch in Chris' hand, the minute hand rapidly ticking up to high noon. The host lowered the watch and the camera panned down from the glaring sun to the western set as a tumbleweed blew through the road; it spontaneously incinerated the moment it came to a stop.
"Listen up, pardners!" Chris said, getting the teams’ attention as he closed his watch and stowed it in a pocket. "In any good Western, there are heroes, outlaws, horses, and pretty dames." As he walked, the camera zoomed out to show the castmates had assembled in front of a building and a ladder leading up to some sort of tower. "The hero defeats the outlaw, then rides off into the sunset on the horse."
He stopped in front of Millie, who immediately spoke up. "What about the dame?" she asked.
"None of your beeswax!" Chris answered in a harsh tone that shocked Millie, before laughing and rubbing the girl's head. "Just messin' with ya! They usually hang out in the saloon during the bar brawl."
"If the dames are weak," Ripper said. "Half the time, they're helping the guys with the showdown."
"How not sexist of you," MK shot an annoyed glance at Ripper, who returned the feeling back.
Confessional: MK
“Bar brawls are my favorite part of any cowboy movie,” MK told the audience. “It's funny how the fights start because sometimes, it's because of something stupid.”
Confessional Ends
"All eyes on me!" Chris waved his guns in the air and shot them twice before continuing. "Time for your first challenge! No cowboy worth spittin' at would go one day without saddle practice," he said while spinning and holstering his guns. "Time to saddle up!"
The scene cut to an old and fly-ridden brown horse drinking from a metal bucket. It let out a long, loud fart, and just when it seemed to have stopped it let out another quick toot.
"That's the best steed we could afford?!" Chris asked irately, looking over to Chef who was working an adding machine in a nearby building.
"You want a five-star hotel, and champagne, and caviar for breakfast, hmm?" Chef said through the open window. "I gotta cut somewhere!"
Chris grinned. "It's perfect! Don't change a thing!"
Confessional: Millie
"I love horses!" Millie gushed in the confessional. "I've always wanted to ride one, but my parents always restricted me from doing so since I could get traumatized by their neighs, but I'm a teenager now so that has to change."
Confessional: Chase
"I once sat on a horse that one time me and my family went to the petting zoo," Chase told the camera. "I did get punished for it because there was a sign that prohibited people from getting on the horse. My reading skills weren't the best at six years old."
Confessional: Trent
“Who says a western has to end with a guy and his horse. This is the movies. The guy always gets the girl,” Trent smiled. “Meaning me.”
Confessionals End
"This is supposed to be a challenge?" Anne Maria scoffed as she walked up to the side of the horse.
"Not so fast," Chris interrupted, the shot cutting back to show the entire group. "You cowboys and cowbabes are gonna have to mount the steed from up there," he said as the camera zoomed out slightly to show the railing around the water tower a nearby ladder led up to. "Not there," the host corrected, "waaaaaay up there!" The shot zoomed out once again, showing another ladder reaching up to a diving board suspended high above the set.
"Since the Gaffers won last week they go first," Chris announced as Chase and MK shared a nervous look. "Don't worry," Chris told them, "our unpaid interns have assured us it's safe." He gave a small nod to his right, and the footage flashed back to Chef Hatchet standing on top of the diving board, stomping on the hands of a light-skinned person hanging to the edge of the board, the majority of their body off-screen.
"No! NO! AAAAAAHHH!" the intern hollered as he was forced to drop, landing with a distinct crashing sound.
"Looks safe to me," Chef said with an impish smile and a light chuckle.
The footage flashed back to the present, the camera focusing on the Gaffers, Chris, and the horse that was now standing on a red bull's eye, though still drinking contentedly.
"Hey," Ripper said, "why don't the Grips have to go first if they lost last time?"
"Because I said so!" Chris answered. "And I'm your host," he turned to the camera as a short game show-esque jingle played, "Chris McLean."
Sky sneezed again. “I didn't think much of it before, but now I know I'm seriously coming down with something.”
“We'll help you up the ladder if you want,” Chase said.
“Uh guys,” Trent walked over. “Sky really is sick. You should let her skip this one.”
His suggestion earned him an annoyed glare from Sky. “I'm capable of deciding for myself.”
Confessional: Trent
“Right, forgot,” Trent facepalmed. “She doesn't like to give up.”
Confessional Ends
"I'll be fine. I'm going up," Sky approached the ladder.
"Don't die!" Scott shouted.
“Not helping!” Sky shouted back.
The camera flashed to the swaying ladder before showing Sky pulling herself up to the top. She looked over the edge in order to plan her jump.
“Break a leg, Sky!” Trent cried out off-screen.
Confessional: Sky
“I'm about to plummet a hundred feet, so hearing that from Trent gave me a bit of encouragement,” Sky admitted happily.
Confessional Ends
"The horse isn't going to move, so might as well," Sky said before she jumped. A grin formed on her face as the camera watched her fall from below.
Confessional: MK
MK was busy watching some confessionals on her phone. “After watching the latest confessionals, I figured out that Trent is planning to throw the challenge for his team thanks to Justin.” She put the phone away. “I'll leave this alone if it means that my team won't be up for elimination.”
Confessional Ends
The viewpoint shifted to looking down on Sky as she fell towards the oblivious horse in the center of the bull's eye. Chase, Ripper, and Scott were shown watching in horror. A thud sounded as the scene cut to a close-up of the horse, which widened its eyes and whinnied at the impact.
The camera pulled out, revealing that Sky had successfully landed on the aged steed. "Are you good?" Chase asked as the shot focused on the athlete's face; she looked to have been dazed, and she fell off of the horse and onto the floor.
“Sky!” Trent rushed over to help Sky up, and they smiled at each other.
“Just be careful with my left-” Sky said before Trent grabbed her arm up. “Arm!!” the short girl yelped in pain.
Confessional: Trent
Trent stared at the camera for a few seconds before face palming himself. “Stupid!”
Confessional Ends
Trent helped Sky up by her shoulders as Chris laughed from just off-screen. "That was awesome, Sky!" The view pulled back to show the entire cast, the Grips' logo appearing above the team on the left. "Gaffers: 1; Grips, you're up!"
Sky walked past Trent as she clutched her arm, leading Trent to slump. “It's not like things can get any worse,” he moaned.
The footage flashed ahead to show Trent jumping off the diving board with his eyes closed. A strong gust of wind blew him off-course towards the fence around the landing area.
Jasmine and Justin winced as a crash was heard, and the camera cut to Trent having landed on a wooden fence post groin first and twitching. “Or maybe they can!”
"Glad it wasn't me!" Chris said as Trent walked back clutching his crotch. "Gaffers: 1; Grips: Zip! Scott, you're up!"
The footage immediately skipped ahead to Scott in mid-fall screaming. He then landed on the horse, and despite initially wobbling in shock, he shook it off. "Jackpot!" he cried.
"Way to stick the landing, Scott," Chris told him as he walked up. "Gaffers: 2; Grips: Zilch!" the host announced.
The scene moved to Millie and Anne Maria on the diving board together.
"Are you gonna jump or what?" Anne Maria asked a nervous-looking Millie. "We don't have all day!"
"I will," Millie told her as she looked over the edge of the board. "I just want to get ready for it."
"I'm givin’ you three seconds or I'm pushing you off," Anne Maria warned.
"Wait, you're going to do what?" Millie said, looking back just before Anne Maria shoved her forward. The author screamed as the camera followed her fall, cutting away to show her teammates wincing before showing that she'd landed.
"Wow, I can't believe I-" Millie began to cheer before looking up. "Gotta get off!" she said, her eyes going wide before she launched herself away from the horse and landed on her feet.
Anne Maria then landed on the horse. "Nothing to it," she said and proceeded to get off the horse.
“Why did you shove me off the diving board?!” Millie furiously scolded her teammate.
“I didn't want you chickening out on this,” Anne Maria answered.
Confessional: Millie
“Contrary to the belief, I wasn't going to quit,” Millie confessed. “I just wanted to make sure that I wouldn't land on anything other than the horse.”
Confessional: Anne Maria
“You may be calling me a hypocrite since I didn't jump off the cliff last season, but this time it's different since my tan won't get ruined at all,” Anne Maria claimed.
Confessionals End
The footage showed Chase whooping as he fell. Zooming out, he was revealed to be holding what may have been a pair of old-fashioned women's underwear above his head like a parachute. As he neared the horse, the wind picked up and blew him back up and away; his newfound screams were heard even as the camera focused on Chris and the Grips watching.
"Not the electrical wires!" Chase shrieked just before a buzzing sound and some flickering lights came from off-camera.
"Uh, McLean, are you gonna send someone to help him?" Ripper asked.
Chris began to laugh, but the footage was paused and the camera pulled out from one of the monitors in the control room; Chris was sitting at a desk in the foreground with a piece of paper in his hands and a serious look on his face. "We here at Total Drama Action," he read in an extremely stilted manner, "care about the health, and welfare, of our...," he raised the paper in front of his face, "competitors. Furthermore," he peeked back out at the camera, "no animals were hurt in the making of this show."
Back with the challenge, Justin had specs on while holding up a contract. "Uh, says right here, page thirty-seven of my Gluteus Maximus Modeling contract, I am forbidden from any form of jumping that might strain my, uh... assets," he patted his butt for his teammates to see. "Heh. Sorry!"
The horse was drinking from the now slightly-bent bucket when the scene skipped ahead again. "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you think our butts are going to hurt from the landing?" Brick asked as he looked down at the target area with Jasmine.
"Considering that the others come out okay, I'd say 6 decreasing to 2," Jasmine said. "We'll be fine."
"That's all I need to hear," Brick said. "Geronimo!" He jumped off the board.
“The koala says cluck to the platypus for luck!” Jasmine chanted before she jumped off as well, and the camera showed the two rapidly descending from below.
Brick landed in front of the horse while Jasmine landed on the back with a satisfied grin before looking down at her teammate. "Are you okay, mate?" Jasmine asked in concern, getting only a pained groan from Brick.
"Alright!" Chris announced as the camera pulled out to show the teams and their logos again. "The Grips now lead the Gaffers three to two! It's up to you two to break the tie!" he told MK and Ripper as he stepped closer to them. "Who wants to take one for the Gaffers?"
"Ladies first," Ripper said, dragging MK forward.
MK pursed her lips. "No no no. I insist!" She grabbed Ripper by the arm and forced him closer to the ladder. They both soon found themselves at the ladder, and glared at each other before grabbing it at the same time.
"What is with that jacket?" Ripper asked as he and MK climbed opposite sides of the ladder. "I mean, do you ever take it off even when it's hot?"
"I should be asking the same about your shirt," MK shot back before climbing on up. “It's not summer themed as well.”
Ripper continued on to the top of the ladder. "At least my shirt isn't baggy and lame like your jacket," he said.
MK snorted as they walked towards the edge of the platform. "Ripping off my jacket just to show off my body is lame." The techno grinned as Ripper walked towards her, and she tripped him off the platform. Before he fell, though, Ripper grabbed MK by the wrist and took her with him.
They were shown falling and screaming from below, but when the camera cut to the horse their screams ended abruptly before they reappeared on-screen.
"Where did they go?" Sky asked in confusion.
"Not there," Chris said as the shot zoomed out to show him and the Grips. "Waaaay up there!" The shot slightly zoomed out again, revealing that Ripper and MK had gotten caught by their shorts and pants respectively on a weather vane on top of the barn.
Ripper's shorts then began to tear. "Nacho nuggets." MK's eyes went wide as Ripper finally fell with a scream; the camera panned down just as he landed on the horse backwards.
His stunned look rapidly faded into a grin. "Booyah," Ripper said with a cocky grin. "My big weight came in handy!" He then dismounted the horse, turning his back towards the camera and showing his pixelated bare butt to the world.
Chris laughed. "Well, I guess you showed us," he said. "And by us, I mean the entire viewing audience!" Ripper growled and cracked his knuckles at the host, making him dial down his taunting. "Okay, okay. You don't gotta get my dungarees all dusty. Anywho, looks like you managed to tie things up at three a piece!" He began to walk towards the right, and the castmates slowly began to follow him. "To the next challenge, for the tiebreaker, cowpokes!"
The camera panned up as they left, stopping at MK who still hung from the weather vane. "Uhh, you're all forgetting someone!" she said loudly. "One of you will come back, right?"
(Commercial Break)

Haven't carried in years but feel the need to start again. I wear scrubs most of the time now so IWB may not work out but I'd like to try. Thinner and lighter is obviously better. I'm also open to recommendations for an ankle holster.

I'm thinking this is a bit of a niche use case but thought ya'll might have some ideas. Any suggestions on belly bands you love that don't break the bank?
I carry IWB the majority of the time when I'm out. However, I'd like to find a solution for when I'm working on our property (currently clearing & building trails). We're in a rural area so I'm not as concerned about concealing as I am about whatever wild creatures we have (bear, bobcat, drunken visitors). I wear everything from old jeans to shorts to skirts while I'm outside. Ankle holder isn't an option because I frequently have muck boots on.
So I'm thinking a belly band is the best option. Although as I write this, I wonder if a shoulder holster may also work well? I don't like the idea of the built in tank tops because I get sweaty and dirty AF working out there & washing them every day and/or purchasing multiple is not ideal. I *always* have on a long sleeve UV shirt so perhaps that could work?
Hit me with your ideas friends!

Welcome to The Oblivion Cycle universe, a vast setting spanning all of time and space and so much more. While many stories may shed perspective on this grand cosmic vista, there are also tales of adventure and sacrifice, romance and terror, grimdark corruption and scientific progress. To become immersed in the setting is to let the chaos of creativity flow through you, to let go of what is probable to discover what’s possible. I have created TOC for one reason, to inspire and entertain any who will listen. So please feel free to join me on this great adventure as I push the boundaries of what is possible and expand the limits of our creativity together. For more information on the setting and its lore there is a subreddit for TOC at TheOblivionCycle and a Discord server dedicated to it here [​ https://discord.gg/uGsYHfdjYf ] called ‘The Oblivion Cycle Community Server’. I hope you find the following story entertaining and once more, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.
+ E1:P1 + E2:P1 + Previous + Next +
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Continued From E2:P5
Commander Siyel sat down and tried once more to reconcile the shitstorm that the day had turned into. It had started off so promisingly, she had finally secured Slake and had been one step closer to unveiling a fundamental truth about the criminal underground that ran rampant in Cheenha. And yet as always she had found the thread cut before she could successfully tug on it. Still, this was by far the closest she had gotten before. That's what made the failure sting so much, the pain of knowing just how close she was to figuring this whole mess out.
She sat at her desk, her horned head falling forwards into her hands as she growled to herself in frustration. She sat back in the soft, padded ranx-leather chair and eyed the small wooden cabinet next to her desk. She shook her head slowly before muttering, “Ah.. to a hel with it.” Siyel reached out a long fingered hand and keyed the activation code to the small locked cabinet and licked her lips with her blue tongue.
The door swung open with a click and revealed the contents. A set of crystal glasses and several bottles of pale pink liquor seemed to smile at her, beckoning like long lost friends. She found herself moving on instinct, she grabbed a pair of cups and one of the bottles before pouring two shots of the liquid. She set the bottle down and stared at the second glass with a heavy heart.
She had given up drinking the day her husband had been killed, she had told herself that she would not imbibe again till she had solved the mystery. But seeing his favorite crecini ale in front of her, the bubbles forming on the glass and slowly rising to the top. It was almost too much. She swept her arm out angrily and scattered the glasses off her desk, the clatter of them hitting the floor as loud as gunshots to her ears in the enclosed office.
She stood suddenly, her tail stiff and her eyes following the path of her destruction. There was alcohol splattered across the floor in front of her desk. The smell of it conjuring memories she couldn't bear to think about. She made a desperate grab for the bottle and took a long and satisfying pull from the source. The lukewarm liquor burned a trail from her mouth to her belly, a deep satisfying fire that simultaneously warmed her body and dulled her mind.
As she placed the bottle back down on her desk she frowned at her own weakness. She took another drink, the liquor burning like coals as it traveled down her throat and seemed to light a fire in her middle. She smiled widely at the sensation, it had been three years this month since the accident. She had been planning to go and visit their grave but hadn’t yet made the time as busy as she had been.
She sat back into her chair with a heavy sigh, the bottle clutched in her hand like it was her only lifeline. She closed her eyes as she took another long drink and then coughed as the same old feelings tore into her weakened and tired mind. “Oh, Zad.. I miss you and Davi so much. What did I do to deserve this..” She sobbed to herself quietly as she looked out the shuttered window that sat across from her desk. The alcohol was slowly taking effect, but not nearly fast enough to block out the past.
The night was cold and dark outside, but the darkness held no answers as she fell into that buzzing blissful oblivion that only heavy drink can offer. The pain of the long day fading in her mind as she took another drink. The healthy buzzing sensation in her mind made her think of Balinski and she sat up straight in surprise at the sudden tangent.
She thought about the feeling of the large man’s protective arms sweeping her up off her feet, the look in the cyborg’s remaining eye as he had carried her as easily as a child. She cursed and threw the nearly empty bottle across the room, the thick glass didn't break though. Instead it simply bounced off the wall and left a neat semicircular dent. “No! You know what has to happen..” She started to say before she slumped back down into the chair.
She shook her head, she couldn't think those kinds of thoughts anymore. Not when they would only ever lead to more pain. She cringed inwards at the thoughts that chased her conscious mind, she was losing control.
With a jolt she realised that she didn’t seem to regret the notion. She was tired, tired of the corruption and death. Tired of the endless killing and the thought of all the good lives lost in the pursuit of her hopeless goals. She would never find out who was responsible, not alone anyways. She once more thought of Balinski, but this time she thought about how fast the man had gotten through to the bottom of cases that had held up the CPD for what seemed like months or years.
She sat up straight again as she smiled widely, her white molars flashing in the dimly lit office. She nodded. “Yes, there’s somebody who can cut through the red tape.” In her somewhat inebriated state it all seemed so clear now. The puzzle pieces that had been spinning in the rear of her mind were slowly connecting together as if guided by some powerful inner force.
He had the remarkable ability to get to the bottom of things that otherwise seemed obfuscated by the constant bureaucratic ranxshit of the department. She shook her head as her tail lashed behind her through the small hole in the seat. Yes, she would use him to cut through to the meaty core of the problem. She would keep him close, just because he was such an effective tool and not for.. She shuddered as the thought of the man’s face once more rose unbidden in her mind. Not for any other reasons.
Siyel leaned back into the chair and closed her eyes. She was still wearing her messy uniform and the damaged body armour a-top it. But despite everything that had happened she felt safer in this office than in her own house, and so she stayed. The night getting darker despite the muted neon glow of the city without that glinted off the shattered glass and spilled alcohol that lay upon the floor.
She closed her eyes and found sleep soon after. Her dreams muted and grey, the thought of something large and powerful stalking her making the nerivith woman mew pitifully within her nightmares. But at every turn the monsters were blocked by a towering saviour that banished these imagined demons back to hell with a thunderous pistol. The green glint of a cybernetic eye showing from the dark, shadowed clothing they wore over their cybernetics.
**********
Balinski was awoken by something prodding him in the ribs. He grunted painfully as his bruised body reacted poorly to the intrusion.
Sitting up, he looked around the room. Caesar seemed to already be up and about, it must have been her that had awoken him. He took a deep breath and risked a stretch, his back muscles protesting as the scent of food reached his sluggish mind. At the same time he heard a whine from Caesar as she looked up longingly at the two plates of slightly steaming food that sat atop the rolling table by the bed.
With a jolt he realised that his previously discarded clothes were missing and he jumped to his feet. He looked around the room frantically until his eyes alighted on a bundle by the door on a clothing rack. He walked over to it stiffly and realised with a small chuckle that it was his clothing.
His coat and shoes looked to have been washed, the trench coat was still full of holes though. The singed and frayed edges flashing conspicuously now that the garment wasn't covered in blood and dirt. He pulled the coat on with some difficulty, his shoulders were stiff beyond belief and his back was killing him. At least his arms and legs were fine, he hadn't really taken the time to give them a once over to make sure the various bullet and laser impacts had not damaged them. He did so now and was relieved to find that, while a little scuffed up, his cybernetics were in remarkably good condition.
He was going to have to schedule an inspection of them to make sure, but they would be fine for the moment. He needed to get ready to go and find out what was going on.
As Balinski pulled on his boots he saw Caesar perk up and then climb slowly to her feet and let out a yawn. He smiled and walked back to the edge of the bed before sitting on the light blue mattress. He patted the bed next to him and Caesar put her paws up on it and then whined pitifully while giving him the most annoyingly adorable puppy dog eyes.
“Oh you lazy grub. Fine, I’ll help you.” He chuckled at her antics as she grumbled in mock annoyance, he wrapped an arm under her front and hauled her onto the bed where she proceeded to flop back down into the covers. “You want breakfast or not? I’m not going to feed you like you are some sort of roman potentate.”
Caesar understood part of the reference, likely not getting the full meaning. She huffed anyways, understanding that he wasn’t going to feed her morsels from a silver dog dish. She scuffled a little closer to the edge of the bed where he placed the plate of bland hospital food in front of her. He chuckled as she took a sniff and then recoiled visibly.
“It’s not going to hurt you. Eat it, I promise I will get you something better later.” She looked at him flatly, one of her little brows raising slightly as she gave him a very undog-like look. He chuckled again. “Okay, you don't have to eat the scrambled eggs. Here, I’ll trade you my sausage patties for them. Ok? Happier now you little picky princess?”
She seemed indeed happier with this arrangement as she scarfed them down. He ate his double helping of unseasoned eggs slowly, making sure to chew and savour every bite in an effort to annoy his furry companion. She pointedly ignored him, turning her back to face him as she looked at the small bedside monitor.
Balinskli shook his head slightly. She was such a drama queen at times.
As he finished the last few bites of fluffy egg he heard the door open and looked up, surprise crossing his features as a pair of officers stepped inside and nodded to him. After a second another person strode through the door and caused him to jerk upright. It was Siyel, the tall alien woman looked scruffy and tired but seemingly in good spirits as she stopped a meter from his bed and looked around the room briefly.
She gestured to him and then spoke quickly, her long tufted tail wagging slowly behind her at ankle level. “Oh good, I was looking all over for you before I realised that you would most likely be here.” She walked around the bed to where Caesar was still pouting and crouched down to look at her. “I am glad to see you are doing so much better Caesar.” She smiled as the pup gave her an encouraging woof and tail wag.
Balinski wiped his mouth and placed his wide brimmed hat on his head, standing up and taking a single step towards the wall. “What’s the message?”
She cocked her horned head. “The message? I’m not sure what you mean.” He raised a hand to explain but she continued over the top of him. “Well, it’s not important right now. I came down here to tell you that the prisoner you captured did in fact have knowledge of the attack. He cracked about thirty minutes ago, I just came from his cell.”
This caused Balinski to straighten. That was in fact news of the best kind. Especially after the horrendous actions of last night. “What did that frillhead say?”
She smiled, her fungivore teeth flashing at him as she answered slowly. “He told us where the attack was staged from. I already have a task force gearing up and ready to move out. I was just waiting for my number one warden.” She paused and gave him a pointed look.
Balinski felt a little odd, that look seemed to convey more meaning than he was picking up from her speech alone. He wondered what had changed between them after yesterday, thoughts of how overly protective he had been of her arose unbidden to his mind. Maybe she was trying to tell him to lay off a little?
He decided that he would just take her words at face value, much less danger of misinterpretation that way. “Gotcha. Caesar, are you feeling good enough to move out? I know the doctor stimmed you up with some quickheal last night after the surgery. Oh don't give me that, let's go.” He prodded her as she pretended to be asleep.
Siyel shook her head and glanced his way, the light glinted off her violet eyes and gave him pause. For the briefest of moments he thought she had the same look on her face as last night, when he had carried her through the halls away from danger. But in a flash it was gone, replaced by the same stern look she seemed to have permanently plastered on her face. Had he imagined it or was he simply going crazy. ‘Well, Crazier.’ he thought silently with a chuckle under his breath.
“Okay, I’m ready.” He checked his shoulder holster and belt ammunition. Everything seemed to be in order and Caesar hopped to the floor with an annoyed sound that he chose to ignore.
Siyel smiled slightly and mentioned as they walked to the doorway, “Oh, I had somebody pick up that gauss cannon you were using. Consider it yours if you want it. A little thank you for services rendered in the attack last night.” A was a little taken aback by that show of generosity. A new or even used GR74F would have set him back a few tens of thousands of osmir if he had purchased one on his own and likely would have been heavily scrutinised by local authorities.
He gave her a gracious nod, it truly was an incredible gift. “Then I gladly accept. I will put it to good use I can assure you.”
She nodded sternly as they exited the room flanked by the two officers, “I know you will.”
He followed her quickly down the stairs and through the hospital wing. The precinct was attached to the local medical structure in such a way as to be indistinguishable from the outside. It helped to have the two in such close proximity when some of the officers and those they might have to bring in sustained injuries.
She led him and Caesar along corridors that still had bloodstains and bullet holes in the dark carbcrete. He glanced at them, anger filling his heart at the sight of such desecration. This place was a monument of order and stability in the chaos of the huge city, and all these lowlife scum had done by kicking the hornet’s nest was piss off every single officer in the entire district. If not the whole city.
He still had that sour taste in his mouth from when he had learned there were traitors in their midst, how many more of them drew their salaries from both the city and its slimy underbelly. How many more of these so-called officers of the law were breaking every oath they had sworn to? He broke from the dark line of reasoning,
They skirted around a conspicuous stain on the floor and then turned another corner, entering into a much larger room. It looked similar in structure to the building’s main entrance except that it seemed to lead to some sort of internal garage. Siyel led them across the space with only a few head nods to others that walked past. He wanted to stop and ask what the plan was, but he could tell from her determined walk that now was not the time.
They walked through a series of doorways, each one now accompanied by a CPD officer in heavy riot gear and holding a number of powerful weapons from shotguns to beam rifles. He glanced to her and she smiled. “Enhanced security measures. It was decided that after the disaster of the attack that we could benefit from a little extra combat readiness. Also, Brigadeer Dreenth has agreed to beef up our arsenal after the incident.”
She tossed her head at the remark, her short black hair bouncing around her long curving horns. “Beef huh? Like what?”
She made a nonchalant gesture and remarked calmly, “Oh nothing much. More power armour for additional Havoc units, a shipment of small arms and some surplus tanks.”
That caught him off guard. His remaining eye widened under the shadow of his wide brimmed hat. “Tanks? Like what, Quintens?”
She shook her head as he followed her into a large open space filled with scurrying officers and police vehicles. He could see a few longsword class APCs as well, their dark blue armour plates giving them a distinctly sinister vibe. “No, I only wish we could get so lucky. No, the governor shuffled half a dozen Tumbler Type-Ys from mothball. Sure they are thirty year old models, but I will take what I can get.”
She didn't seem to miffed about it and he could very well guess why, the Type-Ys were still classified as medium tanks. They were bonafide combat vehicles with thick armour and designed to pack a hell of a punch. Any one of them could single handedly have turned the enemy assault back on its own before it had even begun.
He noticed one of the APCs ahead had several familiar looking figures surrounding it. As they drew near he recognised the officers of Delta squad, the same ones that had helped when he had taken down Slake the day before. ‘Had it really only been a day?’ he thought to himself.
The cracked duracrete scuffed under his boots as they came to a stop. A tall slaaveth man with a damaged head fin stepped forwards, it was Jerg. He snapped a crisp salute to Siyel who returned it as he said, “We are locked and loaded, ready to roll on your command. We will take the fight back to these Drekking sludge slurpers.” He spoke with a gurgle of hatred in his voice.
He glanced at Balinski and gave him a respectful nod that he returned. Siyel gestured to the vehicle, “Well, load up. We will meet you on site.” She glanced at Balinski, “Follow me, we are riding in the Beast.”
He smiled and just motioned for Caesar to follow. “What’s the Beast?”
She pointed to a nearby vehicle and he found himself impressed in spite of his misgivings. Calling the monstrosity that sat before him the Beast made much more sense. The vehicle was large, larger even than the APC that Delta force had climbed into. It was also tall, at least four meters from the base of its tri-wheels to the top of its armoured cupolas. From the rear arose a complex looking mast of antenna and communications equipment that looked more fit for a radio station than a vehicle.
He stepped closer, the next thing that impressed him was the design of the vehicle itself. It had tri-star wheel arrangement with the fully articulated triple wheels capable of handling almost any type of terrain. All twelve were driven at once but only eight seemed to be in contact with the ground at any one time. He wondered to himself what kind of torque that must require, but given that he could see the tell-tale radiator vanes of a nuclear reactor on the rear he surmised that the monstrosity didn’t lack for power.
She stepped up to the front of the aptly named Beast and walked up the ramp that was hanging down from the side of its cabin. He ascended into the cabin behind her and was immediately surprised by the fact he could stand inside. Not comfortably, his head was pretty much touching the roof and it caused him to stoop to avoid knocking off his hat.
She turned and then took a seat at a small console station next to a large atraxses officer wearing a CPD emblazoned sash. They looked to be female, but it was remarkably hard to tell from the angle he was at. Both male and female atraxses were rather large and bulky.
Siyel gestured for him to sit as well as the ramp closed and the vehicle began to shudder slightly. “Welcome to my mobile command vehicle. I was able to beg this off of Major Davy in precinct four as it had been sitting in storage for months. It's a fully articulated and combat capable mobile outpost with all the bells and whistles.” She gestured excitedly to something besides him and he had to do a double take as he realised he was sitting next to a fully operational autokitchen.
“What in the, you can cook in here?” He asked dumbly.
Siyel nodded with a grin and turned back to her monitoring station before slipping a pair of multi–species headphones over her horned head. Clearly the vehicle was made for extended deployments, though he wasn’t really expecting this jaunt to turn into one. He sat back in the seat, it was nice not to be worried for a change. The armour plating on the Beast would resist anything but high calibre anti-vehicle weapons.
He felt the large armoured vehicle buck slightly. They were underway to the location it seemed and he still didn’t know what had happened. He swallowed and then waved a hand towards Siyel. The large atraxses woman grunted in mild annoyance as she was temporarily distracted by his antics and he gave her an apologetic gesture.
Siyel pulled the headset off the ear facing him and muttered distractedly, “Hmm? What do you need Balinski?”
He shrugged his shoulders as he asked her the plan. “So, what are we on route to exactly? I know you said you got the location from that near braindead filthwallower, but what did they tell you actually?” He rubbed his hands together. Not exactly worried, but apprehensive about the true nature of the situation nonetheless. Caesar laid down at his feet as he worried, her body pressed against his legs as she closed her eyes. He smiled, she always found the time to get some rest. Given the night they had, he wasn’t that surprised she was still tired. He certainly was.
Siyel sighed and then took off the headset, placing it around her neck. “The man you arrested broke under some pretty heavy questioning last night. He wasn’t very bright it seemed, but he was smart enough to be let in on some of the more sensitive details of the mission. Such as the fact that the entire operation was organised in order to kill Slake before he could reveal any information. They had hoped to catch us out at Slake’s compound in which case we would likely have all been slaughtered.” She grimaced at that, less total officers would have lost their lives in that case, but it wasn't something she could have controlled.
He raised a hand. “Hey, we did the right thing at every step of the way. You did the right thing.”
She nodded her head, her raven hair shifting from behind her horns a little at the motion. She brushed it back into place as she answered, “Yea, I know that objectively, Balinski. But no amount of telling myself that is going to bring back the good men and women that died in the line of duty last night. By the powers that be..” She trailed off for a few seconds. When she looked back at him the determination had once more masked her emotions.
She waved a hand at the computer readouts in front of her. One in particular caught his attention. “This is a small laundromat located about sixteen blocks from the precinct. Practically within spitting distance, well.. it isn't quite as mundane as the faded lettering of its exterior might otherwise have you believe. It turns out that Sleeves and Crease is a front for the Pit Vipers organisation.” She explained.
Her matter-of-fact statement took him a second to register. “Wait, the Pit Vipers gang operates out of there? This close to the precinct?” She nodded solemnly. “Then we are almost there, that's only a few minutes drive!” he exclaimed.
“Yes, and it pains me to admit that I had suspected there were close operating gang facilities. What with so many places for them to hide in the city or its underground. I am surprised it took us this long to figure it out.” She seemed a bit upset by the news. And he could very well understand why.
He looked at the screen again, the small building was the first floor of a larger complex. It looked as innocuous as it was drab. Not at all something that would act as a face for one of the most notorious blood hungry murder gangs in the city. The pit vipers were known for their extreme violence, last night’s attack had all the hallmarks of their cruelty.
Balinski checked his cybernetic diagnostics briefly and then cracked his neck. “Okay, so when we go in there, what exactly am I looking for?”
Siyel turned towards him and made an almost apologetic gesture, he saw her tail coil into the small of her back in a gesture of compunction. Her hesitation gave him pause. “What. What is it?” He was wary now.
She pushed herself away from the computer for a moment as she gestured to the screen. “You aren't going to be participating in this raid Balinski.”
As far as bombshells went, it wasn't a nuke. But he still opened his eye wide in surprise. “Not going on the raid? What the shit do you mean?”
Siyel tapped on the keypad and brought up a list of officers. Amongst them the members of Delta squad were first and foremost. “I have the best that is available going in there. You are injured and tired and far from your best right now.” He tried to protest but she locked down, her tufted tail lashing behind her now. “No, you listen to me. You are one of the best assets I have at my disposal, and I will admit that freely. Don't let it go to your head. Anyways, I am keeping you here to watch and observe. I need your expertise to make sure that we don’t miss anything.” She gestured for him to move his chair closer to the computers.
He looked down and noticed that the chair was mounted in a rail, he undid the lock and moved smoothly to her side where she showed him how to open the control panel. He could see everything, the helmet feeds of the officers, the live feeds from the vehicles and even a picture of himself seated next to Siyel. He looked over his shoulder and located the camera, it was sitting in the open and not at all hidden.
From the telemetry data that was tracking on one of the lower screens he could see that the first units were already on the street that approached the laundromat. The back doors of the APCs slamming open and heavily geared delta squad forces spilling out. He watched as several of them that he recognised as being in Jerg’s squad ran to the front door of the laundromat and took up positions on either side.
The store was dark and the flickering neon sign out front displayed that it was closed. That wasn’t an issue, in fact it was much better that way. Much less chance of civilians being caught in any potential crossfire.
Siyel had replaced her headset and was now speaking over the comms. He couldn't hear what she was hearing and looked around for a spare headset while she directed the scene, “Yes, forwards more and to the right. Watch out for the glass, there could be armed assailants within. Yes they would.. no.” She continued speaking as he found one and slipped it on, he had to remove his hat in order to wear the headset properly.
He heard one of the officers on the ground speak up. “We are in position. Mark?”
Siyel nodded, “You are good to go, mark one.”
Balinski looked back at the screen. A large figure in heavy riot gear scuttled to the door, it looked like a vinarfel male. Not Daryon then. The figure raised a siege ram and swung it at the door with inhuman insectoid strength and the door evaporated into a cloud of splinters and debris as the delta force operatives rushed inside the building in a wave of armoured fury.
Continued in E2:P7
==End of Transmission==

“Well, Sir, it wuz, ohhhhhhh ... bout 1985, I reckon it were. I wuz jest gettin back to the house after a long night of runnin shine at the old still site. A bunch of weird shit went on that night. It wuz like I kept a’hearin voices in the woods. Now, I ain’t speaking bout no human voices. Nor am I speaking Sasquatch voices. They wuz high squeaky voices, and creepy and sech. I got the impression they wuz tryin to call me off into the woods. Of course, I had a haid full of acid during my shine run, so I didn’t really pay the voices no mind. But still, there wuz sumthang bout these here voices. They twernt the usual voices I wuld hear.”
“So, I git back to the house. I decided to relax a bit before bed. I warmed me up a leftover Sasquatch burger to eat. Then I kicked back in my Lazy-Boy that I stole, and scorched a fat doob while I watched “Anal Intruder 14” (My favorite of the series) on VHS. Then there wuz a knock at my door. ‘Goddamn it!!’, I thought, ‘Who’s knocking on my door at 7am in the morn?!?’”
“When I opened the damn door I found old Sheriff standing thar. I sed ‘Goddamn it, you fat sumbitch! What the fuck are you doing bothering me this early in the morning?!?’ Sheriff sed ‘Look, Roy, I know it’s early, but I am here on official business. Old Mrs. Miller called. Her old man, old “Big Cock from Talking Rock” didn’t come home last night. He went out coon hunting near here but didn’t show up for breakfast. Have you seen him?’ I told Sheriff I ain’t seen shit, then shut the door. But old Sheriff stuck his foot inside the door jam to keep me from closing my door.”
“I gave old Sheriff a look like I wuz pissed, and I wuz. Then he put up his hand and sed ‘Roy, please?’ I could see that the sumbitch wuz troubled, so I sed ‘Well shit, you may as well come on inside and tell me about it.’ “
“Sheriff sat down on the couch while I sat back down in my Lazy-Boy. Sheriff asked ‘Is that one of them Lazy-Boy recliners? Man, they sure is comfortable. I used to have one, but some sumbitch broke into my house recently and stole mine. I sure would like to catch that miscreant!’ I looked at Sheriff and sed ‘Prolly darkies. They will steal everything not nailed down.’ ‘Yep’, agreed Sheriff.”
“I asked ‘What’s troubling ya, Sheriff?’ Sheriff sighed, then started in. ‘Well, Roy, Mrs. Miller told me some troubling things, and ... uh, Roy, could you put your dick away while we talk?’ I asked Sheriff if he wanted me to turn off “Anal Intruder 14” too, and he said he did. So I shut off my Zenith and put my thumpin stick away.
“Sheriff continued, ‘Mrs. Miller claims old Big Cock has been talking all crazy, about hearing malevolent voices in the woods at night. He even said he saw some little green men and that they were the source of the voices. Roy, I don’t want to tell you this, but old Big Cock thought these little green fellas meant to kill him.’
“Then Sheriff sed ‘Roy? ROY!!!’ I had nodded off, so I made Sheriff repeat hisself. When he finished he asked, ‘Well, what do ya think, Roy?’ I held up two fangers and sed ‘Two thangs, Sheriff. First, you need to stop assuming that I give a fuck about your shit. You need to pull up yer big girl panties and do yer goddamn job. I ain’t yer fucking daddy. Two, I like old Big Cock, so instead of giving you the ass whuppin you deserve, I is gonna hep ya.’”
“Then I asked, ‘Sheriff, you ever heard talk of the Pukwudgie?’ Sheriff thought fer a moment, rubbing his chin and narrowing his eyes. I then sed to Sheriff ‘You don’t know what the fuck a Pukwudgie is, dumbass. Quit acting like you is trying to think.’ ‘Sorry Roy’, sed the Sheriff. I retorted, ‘Yep, you IS a sorry sumbitch.’”
“By this point I’d had enough of this shit-head, so I pulled out my lil old Sig P226 outa my conceal holster I have sewn into my taint and pointed it right at Sheriff’s head. Sheriff’s eyes grew bigger than 2 dinner plates. He starts crying out ‘ROY? NOOOOOOO!!!!!! BIG COCK!!!!!! REMEMBER???? BIG COCK!!!!!!’ Then I thought about “Old Big Cock From Talking Rock”. I lowered my pistol.”
“Old Big Cock and I met in Vietnam, during the war. I wuz at this here whore house called “The Slanted Crack”, jest a bangin away on sum sweet, young thang when I heard a voice from behind me say ‘She’s dead’. I thought ‘What the fuck?’, but kept on pounding that gook. Then the voice sed ‘Dude, I told you, that chick is dead.’ I turned around and thar stood Old Big Cock From Table Rock.”
“I sed ‘What the fuck is you talking about, GI?’ That’s when BC walked up and sed ‘Yeah, dude, I fucked that bitch. Then I shot her in the top of her head.’ I looked down at the bitch. I guessed it made sense because she was not really participating. I looked back up at BC and asked him why he shot the bitch. BC sed, ‘Well, I figured that she just fucked me, so I owed her a fucking, so BOOM!! Yer fucked! Heh heh heh!!!’ After that, BC and I hung tight.”
“Eventually we got separated, as I got assigned to a unit sent into Cambodia to do sum nasty business. BC and I lost touch. Then, low and behold, I ran into him after the war at the feed store whar I wuz buyin sum corn fer a batch of shine. He jest happened to move into town fer sum white-bread job. By then he already got him a wife and family and turned to God.”
“Of course, old BC could not reconcile his newfound belief structure with my Satanic worship, shine runnin, whorin, and racist-terrorism lifestyle, so we did not really hang anymore. Of course, it wuz that old whore he married that got him on the straight and narrow. The old BC I remember from Nam wuz all about banging slanty eyes, knifing Cong, and blowing up children’s hospitals. He shore had changed.”
“But I do not begrudge BC a good family life. It ain’t fer ME, mind ya. But that damn war changed a lot of folks. If’n family is what BC needed, then so be it. I would still run into old BC in town from time to time. We wuz both friendly, and genuinely glad to see one another. But ever time I brung up the war he just got quiet and sed he didn’t want to talk about it.”
“Now, sir, I reckon most folks who wuz in Nam try to ferget. I cannot blame ‘em. It ‘twas pure hell. But yer old Roy has sum pretty good coping mechanisms, so it did not get on top of me like it did sum fellers. Fact is, and I am not ashamed to admit it, I had me a fucking blast in Nam! I got to hang out of choppers, firing machine guns at those little fuckers on the ground. There wuz non-stop whoring and fighting. Fer a poor old southern country boy from the hills, it was goddamn exciting!!”
“But I still got a soft spot fer old BC. We had us sum good times together, we did. There wuz this one time we stopped a caravan of trucks on this little mule path of a road in the jungle. We figured they may be moving soldiers and weapons to the enemy, so we stopped it. BC went to check on the cargo in the first truck. He radioed to us and sed ‘Well, they ain’t exactly Cong’. But due to the shitty radio BC wuz a’carryin, we only heard ‘EXACTLY ... CONG’. So we stormed the caravan and shot ever living thang in them trucks. We lit ‘em up!!”
“Turned out it wuz a caravan of local kids being bussed to a school. Whoops!! The CO blamed BC, who blamed his radio. 33 Vietnamese kids snuffed, and all because of a misunderstanding. Ha ha ha ha!!! The CO let BC off the hook. He was happy that these little fuckers now would not have a chance to grow up and shoot back at us. Shit like this kind of gave Old Big Cock a conscience, I thinks.”
“There wuz this other time in Nam when sum us guys got sent to a native hospital to vaccinate sum thar little kids. Old BC and I decided to have us sum fun. Whilst all them lil gooks wuz in the tent getting thar shots, we lit up sum firecrackers and tossed them in the tent. Well, Sir, one them grown-up gooks had a gun. He apparently mistook the firecrackers fer gunshots, so he showed his jammy.”
“That did not go over well with our GIs in the tent. The boys standing guard opened fire on the grown-up gook with their M-16s, taking out 5-6 kids in addition to their intended target. We all know them thar little gooks are sumtimes booby trapped with explosives. Not wanting to take any chances, I grabbed my M-16, stepped into the tent, and yelled ‘BOMB!!’ At that point, everyone opened fire!!”
“Well, once we got dun stacking up all the dead gook kids, we realized there wuz no bomb. The CO called me over and demanded to know why I screamed ‘bomb’. He screamed at me, ‘YOU COCKSUCKING HILLBILLY F#GGOT SON OF A BITCH!! DID YOU EVEN SEE A BOMB?’ I sed ‘No Sir!’. He continued, ‘THEN WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU YELL “BOMB” AND GET ALL THESE CHILDREN KILLED?’ I replied, ‘Sir, them lil swarthy gooks are always booby trapping thar kids. I figured it would save the lives of our good old American boys if’n we jest cut to the chase and eliminate the threat altogether, Sir.’”
“The CO thought a moment, the sed ‘GOOD THINKING, SOLDIER! GOOD THINKING!!! KEEP IT UP!’, then he patted me on the shoulder and that wuz the last I heard of it. I found old BC sitting on the ground holding one them dead gooks. He had tears streaming down his face.”
“I sed, ‘Goddamn, BC, you look like you is due fer the Thorazine Tent. The fuck is wrong with you?’ Old BC picked up a little severed leg and a little severed arm that apparently belonged to the mini gook he wuz a’holdin. With tears coming out of his eyes, Old Big Cock whimpered ‘I can’t put him back together. I can’t put him back together. I can’t put him back together. I CAN’T PUT HIM BACK TOGETHER!!! I CAN’T PUT HIM BACK TOGETHER!!!!!!’ “
“I sed to myself ‘Yikes! This sumbitch has snapped!’ I took old BC’s guns, then had a word with the CO about Big Cock’s condition. The CO told me ‘BASH THAT SICK FUCKER OVER THE HEAD, TIE HIM UP, AND THROW HIM IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK. WE’LL SHIP HIM OFF FOR EVALUATION LATER. NOW, LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. MOVE! MOVE!! MOVE!! MOVE!! MOVE!! MOVE!!”
“That wuz the last I saw of BC until he showed up here in town. He got shipped off to the funny farm hospital. But they wouldn’t send him home. They had him pushing a broom and cuttin taters and sech, just no combat and no guns.”
“After reminiscing, I looked at old Sheriff and sed, ‘I reckon I need to see what I can do fer old Big Cock. Whar the fuck his old lady at? I need to talk to her. Sheriff asked ‘Do ya think that’s a good idea, Roy? She’s real tore up.’ I picked up the carved stone ash tray on the table next to my chair and slung it hard at Sheriff’s head. THUMP!!!! It gave him a nice, bloody gash in his forehead. Sheriff let out a howl, ‘OHHHHHHHHH!!! Goddamn, Roy! That hurts! Why did you do that?’ I sed ‘Don’t ever question me, snot-head. Now shut the fuck up and let’s go see BC’s bitch.’”
“It took us about an hour to get to BC’s house. It twere jest an average looking, white bread house. The lawn was manicured, there were a white picket fence, and 2 little statues of a couple nicely dressed negro fellers in the front yard. As Sheriff knocked on the front door, I whipped out my cock to take a piss off the porch. Sheriff musta heard the tinkling sound cuz he turned and sed ‘Roy!! What are you doing?!? STOP THAT!’ With my right hand, I gave him a stern back-handed bitch slap across his fat face. WHAPPP!!!! Then I sed ‘Shut up.’ About that time the door opened.”
“Old Mrs. Miller opened the door just as I wuz putting my cock back in my pants. Sheriff sed ‘Hello Mrs. Miller. I brought along an old friend of your husband, Roy. He lives back up in Sasquatch Hollar, near where John had been coon hunting.” Mrs. Miller sed ‘Yes, I know Roy. He was in the service with my John, in Vietnam.’ The little woman wuz not too fond of me cuz soon after they moved to town I picked up BC one afternoon, got him all coked up and ended up crashing his BMW into Bigfoot River with a dead stripper in the trunk.”
“I sed ‘Why hello there, Mrs. Miller. Sheriff here has been telling me about your husband and his problems. I came to see if’n I can help.’ Despite her feelings about me, she seemed genuinely glad I wuz here. We went inside the house and sat down. Mrs. Miller served us coffee, then we started talking.”
“Just like Sheriff has told me, old Big Cock had been acting funny lately. He started acting paranoid and talking about little green men in the woods. They wuz whispering to him in the dark woods and beckoning him to follow, though he never did. His wife sed she tried to keep him at home, but that BC sed they were calling him and he had to go; he had to find out what they wanted. He had to follow them. Clearly his wife was really concerned, but it sounds like there wuz nothing she could do to stop him from returning to those dark woods to try and break the spell they had on him.”
“Sheriff then told Mrs. Miller that I wuz an ex-commando and that I specialized in paranormal occurrences and investigations. The poor, desperate old lady looked to me with big, doe eyes hoping that I had something to say that would ease her mind, and maybe help find her beloved man. Mrs. Miller gently asked me, ‘Roy, do you think John is still ... alive?’”
“I replied, ‘Fuck no. That sumbitch is dead as hell.’ Poor Mrs. Miller went to crying hysterically. Sheriff scolded me fer being blunt with the woman. When he got her settled down she asked me what I knew of what happened. I guess I owed the old woman an explanation.”
“So I sed, ‘Look, I don’t know fer sure if old Big Cock is still alive or not ...’ Then Mrs. Miller interrupted me, saying ‘...John. Please call him John.’ I said ok. Then I continued, ‘The thang is that from everthang you and Sheriff been telling me, this is a case of the Pukwudgie.’”
“Mrs. Miller did not understand. So I explained to her that the Pukwudgie, or the little people, are small, green demonic people that live in the woods. They hate humans, and try to lure them to their deaths. Mrs. Miller looked terribly shocked. She asked ‘Are these things... these Pukwudgie, are they ... REAL?’ I sed ‘Shit yeah, they is real, woman. I seen ‘em. Best thang to do is to ignore ‘em. Well, that, and shoot the little bastards.’”
“I continued, ‘Yessir, I have seen those little peckers. You will be out thar in the deep, dark woods, runnin shine, or huntin, er fishin, or performing some Satanic magic, then you start hearing talking. It starts out real low. It sounds like a conversation between 2 or more of them, but you cannot understand them because they is speaking so fast.’”
“I went on, ‘Then, all a sudden, they call out yer name. That’s when shit starts gettin REALLY creepy. They get yer attention and then they call you to them. They will show themselves to ya if you follow their call. They is sum ugly motherfuckers too. They stand about 3 feet tall and look like little green trolls. Then, once you have contact with them, they try to lead you off into the woods. Some say that they want to lead you off so they can kill ya. I guess they ambush ya er sumthang. When I see one I usually pull my pistol and blow their heads to bits. It explodes like a cantaloupe, but it splatters this green goo.’”
“Mrs. Miller asked, ‘So, you have never followed on of these ...Pukwudgie... off into the woods?’ I sed ‘Hell no. I kill the little fuckers. BUT, they been known to get inside yer head and put a spell on you to whar ya can’t resist thar call. In that case, they lead ya off into the woods and you are never seen er heard from again ... ever.’”
“I know this wuz troubling news for Mrs. Miller, but she needed to hear the truth. After a few moments of silence, Mrs Miller asked if I would go to the woods where Big Cock went coon hunting and see if I could either find him or find his body and return it to her fer a proper Christian burial.”
“I sed ‘Look, I like Old Big Cock....uh, I mean, John. But if the Pukwudgie got him, then there prolly won’t be no sign left. They would drag him off into some underground lair.’ Then Mrs. Miller pleaded with me. She sed ‘Look, we don’t have a lot of money, but I could pay you. How about ... $5,000.00? I just got to know.’ I still wuz not eager to go about fucking with them thar sneaky little critters. But Mrs. Miller wuz getting real desperate. I wuz feeling sorta sorry fer her. I also felt some sense of duty to Big Cock, a fellow soldier.”
“I came to a conclusion. I sed ‘Ok, Mrs Miller, I will do it. I will try to find yer husband, or at least what happened to him out thar, but on 2 conditions.’ Mrs. Miller eagerly nodded. I continued, ‘First, you pays me my $5k up front, as in now.’ She sed ‘Done. I have the cash upstairs. What is the second condition?’”
“I sed ‘The second condition is that you go into that kitchen over thar, drop your drawers and bend over the table so I can fuck ya.’ Mrs. Miller’s face sank, and tears started rolling down her face. Softly she spoke, ‘John always said you are an evil man, Roy. He said you do not know the Lord. He said you did horrible things in Vietnam. Now I believe him.”
“As Mrs. Miller is talking I glance at my watch. Goddamn, it wuz noon already and I still ain’t got no sleep after last night’s shine run. Then I remembered the voices. I heard them motherfuckers last night at the Still site!”
“I butted Into Mrs. Miller’s evangelical bullshit and sed ‘I know whar they is! Those Pukwudgie were calling me last night at my Still site, which was when Old Big Cock went missing in the same general area. I thought I wuz jest high - and I wuz - but those were the weird, outa the ordinary voices I heard.’ Now I had Mrs. Miller’s attention. Even old Sheriff wuz on the edge of his seat.”
“Mrs Miller excitedly asked me would I go get her husband. She sed ‘Oh, sweet Jesus, Roy, you KNOW where he is. Will you go? Will you please go?’ I sed ‘Yep, I’ll go, and I will kill ever last one of then Pukwudgie critters. If John is thar, I will git him.’”
“Then I sed, ‘Mrs. Miller, ya’ll don’t got to pay me none. Old Big Cock is my friend. So you can keep yer money.’ She nodded, with hope in her eyes. Then I sed ‘Now git yer ass in the kitchen.’ She looked stunned. I sed, ‘Bitch, I may be not gonna charge ya, but I is still gonna fuck ya. So git in that thar kitchen and git yer britches off! The longer you take, the longer it will take me to find Old Big Cock!!’ She sheepishly did as she was told.”
“After I nutted in Mrs. Miller’s cooter, I told Sheriff to give me the keys to his police cruiser. He sed ‘Roy, you know I can’t do that.’ Then BAMMM!!!! I punched that prick right in the throat. He went down like a sack of taters. As he was lying there, desperately gasping fer breath, I fished his car keys out of his pocket and took his pistol. Then I walked out the door, leaving Sheriff writhing on the floor, and Mrs. Miller lying in fetal position and sobbing on the kitchen floor. I checked Sheriff’s pistol. It was a .380. I stopped in my tracks and sed ‘This is f#ggot shit!!’, then tossed the cheap, pussy gun on Mrs. Miller’s front lawn. I got into Sheriff’s car and then headed back to Sasquatch Hollar. I figured I would get me sum real firepower and then go kill sum Pukwudgie. On the drive I wondered how those little critters would taste grilled.”
“So I got back home and prepared to do my loadout. Fer you f#ggot-homosexuals out thar, that means getting reddy fer battle. I went into the house and the first thang I did wuz put on some fightin’ music on my music player. I chose some Dying Fetus, which be sum extreme deth metal. I stuck the CD in the player then cranked that sumbitch loud enuff old Satan hisself had to cover his ears. I wanted to get inta the mood, if’n ya knows what I mean. Next wuz my vest. It is a Russian tactical belt/vest I pulled off a dead commie bastard. I fucking hate commies! Then come the blades: 2 ProTech Godfather switchum blades and a big old Kabar. Finally, it wuz time fer the guns.”
“But before I could do my gun load-out, I had to change CDs to enhance my mood. I took out the Dying Fetus and replaced it with Goatwhore, cranked so fucking loud that even the angels above will have debilitating tinnitus. Then came the guns.”
“Them Pukwudgies are little and sneaky. I am gonna need a shotgun fer this hunt. But I also want shell capacity. So I went to my safe and pulled out my Saiga 12. I loaded some drums with 3” magnums in double-ought buckshot. This setup will literally shred them little munchkins to pieces.”
“Next came my backup weapon. Since we weren’t talking bout anything big, I pulled out my Sig M400 AR-15. It wuz already loaded wit a 60 round mag. I grabbed me 5 more loaded 60s, all green tips. Next wuz my sidearm. Again, small pussy targets. I had the PERFECT choice: My FN Five-seveN! I put that sumbitch in a holster and on my gun belt, with 2 extra 20 round mags. Those 5.7s will gut the little monsters.”
“Now fer my backup handgun. I chose my CZ75 SP-01. My particular one had 18+1 capacity. I just stuck this fucker and 2 extra mags in my belt, privateer style! Finally, jest fer Insurance, I got out my Kimber micro-9s. These are basically pocket guns of last resort. I sticks em in my overalls’ front pockets.”
“Then came the piece-de-la-resistance: My Ruger Super Redhawk revolver chambered fer .480 cartridges and with an 8 inch barrel. This wuz my true LAST RESORT CCW piece. I pulled down my drawers and inserted this big beautiful bastard right up my ass, barrel first, fer Deep Concealed Carry. I let the handle stay on the outside and fit it snug up into my taint. Then I put my draws back on and suited up.”
“I headed straight fer my still site. By now it wuz 3 pm. Them lil fuck-faces won’t come out until after dark. Like I dun sed, I ain’t been to sleep. So I thought, fuck it, I’ll lean up agin one these old hardwood trees and gits me sum shut eye while waitin fer dark.”
“I woke up just as the sun wuz settin, feeling this sharp pain in my nethers. I looked down and found a squirrel chewing on my nuts! I snatched that motherfucker up by its neck and sed ‘You mangy sumbitch!’, then SNAP!!!! I broke its neck. I then built myself a fire and skinned and gutted the critter. He wuz gonna be my dinner!”
“As I went about my business I wondered how my balls had flopped outa my overalls. I knew Pukwudgie were in the area. I also knew something else bout these buggers....something I didn’t tell Mrs. Miller. These Pukwudgie are sexual deviants who will molest ya. Ya see, I thought I wuz safe till dark. But I wuz wrong. Those fuckers were already out and about. Most likely I had one or more watching me this very moment!”
“Well, I roasted the squirrel then ate it, washing it down with shine from my tactical flask that says “BIGFOOT SLAYER!” on it. I stayed real still and as motionless as possible while I ate, like I had no idea I wuz being watched. I could hear that little bastard tip-toeing around me in the woods. That ball-fondling dwarf Pukwudgie f#ggot!”
“What struck me as odd is why these little motherfuckers chose jest now to show up here. I’m out in these here wood all the time, but have not seen ‘em in a long time. Hmmmmm ...”
“Then came the speaking, the odd, indecipherable language. I laid back agin a tree and closed my eyes. Eventually the midget-speak wore down. Then it got quiet. It wuz too quiet, in fact. Then, as if someone was right up at my ear whispering forcefully, I heard ‘ROY!!’ I sprang to attention, scairt shitless. Even though I wuz expecting it, it wuz still a fucking shock.”
“I started creeping around, outside of the light of the fire. It wuz blacker than a nigg*r out in these here woods. By now it was a quarter to 8. Then I heard the voice again. It sed ‘ROY!’ It was clearly from one of them Pukwudgies. You can always tell them, as they sound like Muppets on acid. I moved toward the direction of the voice.”
“I pushed through sum heavy brush and briars, then came out into a little opening. Thar it wuz. Right in front of me wuz one of these little leprechaun motherfuckers. It wuz green and seemed to glow slightly. It wuz sneering at me, then sed ‘Come, this way, Roy’, as it motioned me toward a path into the dark woods. I figured I ought not kill it cuz I need info on Old Big Cock. Of course, that did not mean I could not cripple it.”
“I snapped up my scatter gun and fired ...BOOM!! I shot the lil puppet monster below it’s waste, completely shredding its little legs with the buck shot. I walked over and stood over it as it wuz writhing in pain. Then the craziest dang thang happened: it opened its eyes, looked up at me and started talking. Now, one may think these Pukwudgie would start casting evil spells and shit when cornered. But this one wuz different.”
“The Pukwudgie looked up at me and sed ‘Why did you blow off my legs, you sick motherfucker?’ I told the critter to watch its mouth or I would blow that off too. But the wounded Pukwudgie kept on, saying ‘I can’t even walk now, you stupid fucking hick! Couldn’t you have found a goat to fuck tonight so you would not have to be out here turning my legs into shredded wheat, you ass-eating cock-sucker?’ I wuz a little taken back by its language.”
“I then stepped on the little prick’s lame legs and put all my force on them. The Pukwudgie let out a powerful scream of pain. Then I asked it about Old Big Cock. We went round and round, with the munchkin not giving up any intel. So I settled on a course of action. BLAMMMM!!! Another blast from my scattergun and this little twat no longer had a head.”
“I looked around what wuz left of it. He had sum funny looking leprechaun clothing on. Honestly, it wuz dressed like one of them thar Canadian figure skater homos. I searched the pockets and pulled out a wad of paper. It be nuthin but trash it had picked up and stuffed into its pockets. What an asshole.”
“So thar I wuz, in the middle of the dark woods with a dismembered Pukwudgie. My only lead is dead. But afore I tossed all that wadded up paper from the critter’s pocket, sumthang caught my eye. It wuz sumthang hard and metallic. I cut my sure-fire flashlighter on. It wuz sum motherfucking dog tags, like what ever soldier is issued. I looked closely. What I dun read from those tags almost made me shit a brick. The name on the tag was ‘John Miller’. SHIT!!! These are Old Big Cock’s dog tags! That creepy little varmint jacked these dog tags from BC!!”
“Then all hell broke loose. There came a huge commotion from all around me. Several of those little Pygmy voices were chanting ‘Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy...’ I had a bad feeling about this. Then, all at once, they charged me, from all sides. Turned out thar were five of them Pukwudgies, and they were coming at me and carrying little weapons.”
“I just tore into sum hysterical laughing at the sight. They wuz just cuter than fuck!! They wuz like puppets carrying toy swords, and sticks and sech. It wuz hilarious! All five of em stopped within a couple feet of me, perplexed by my uncontrollable laughing. They jest stood around me and looking at each other. Apparently they had never seen sech a sight. Most of thar victims turn and high-tail it in terror. But I didn’t. Finally, one of the Pukwudgies spoke.”
“This real little one looked like he wuz dressed up to be a riverboat card dealer and he carried a sharpened stick. Speaking to me in a voice that sounded like Grover from Sesame Street, it sed ‘Roy, you do not run. Are you not fearful that your life may be lost?’ That just caused me to laugh ten times harder. Again, they started looking at each other. Then the one behind me and carrying a tiny pitch fork came up and jabbed me in the ass with it. Then it demanded to know why I wuz laughing.”
“I finally got my laughing under control and got quiet and caught my breath. I then turned around to look at the little pecker that just stabbed me in my ass. It wuz dressed up like a little wizard, with sequins and a purple robe, like it had jest escaped from a gay pride parade. I lost it, and started laughing uncontrollably again. They wuz all dressed up like they were going to a gay disco on Halloween night.”
“They managed to get my long guns as I wuz writhing in laughter. Then they told me to get to my feet cuz they wuz taking me back to thar lair as their prisoner. As they marched me toward their lair I wuz still cackling up a storm. This wuz the funniest situation that I been in since I accidentally blew up the Vietnam Special Olympics thinking it wuz sum kind of weird military exercise.
“The Pukwudgie lair was underground. I had to get on my belly and crawl into a cave. Then I had to stay on my belly and crawl downward a bit. We came to an oppening with a fire burning on the floor. At least in this larger chamber I could stand up, even though I had to stay bent over.”
“Of course, I could have gotten free and slaughtered those little pricks at any time. But my task wuz to find old Big Cock. So I let them take me prisoner. It wuz pretty easy to, cuz I plum went into hysterics when I got a look at these little dwarf things and their very gay clothes and heard their cartoony sounding voices.”
“Then I spied a big pot hanging over the fire. They wuz cooking a stew of some sort, and it smelled all gamey and gross. I took their spoon and started stirring it, which really pissed off the critters. This one started kicking my ankle with the pointing-end of his costume looking shoe. I kicked that sumbitch and it landed against the wall. That got them rip-roaring mad. Jest then I got the fright of my life. As I stirred the gross looking stew, a human head floated up in the pot. IT WUZ BIG COCK’s HEADS!! Then I noticed Big Cock’s large wang floating in the pot.”
“Poor old Big Cock! He did not deserve to die like this... Murdered and eaten by maniacal muppets. The critters surrounded me and told me to get away from the cooking pot. I sed ‘You little fuck-tards kilt my friend. Now you is gonna have to pay. So I reached into my ass and pulled out my .480 revolver. The Pukwudgies stepped back at the sight of my large weapon. Then all hell broke loose. ‘BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!’ I dropped all 5 of those motherfuckers, right thar in the lair. These little twats have been known to work sum black magic fuckery, so I took my Ka-Bar and cut the heads off all five of them.”
“I found me an old burlap bag then fished Big Cock’s remains out of the stew and put ‘em in the bag. There wuz the head, both hands, and his hawg. I tied up the bag. Right before I left I thought ‘what the fuck?’, and spooned out sum of that stew and tasted it. Surprisingly, it weren’t bad. I found me an old styrofoam container one of these lil rascals must have found and brought home. I used it to hold some that stew I thought I would bring home fer dinner. So with the bag carrying Big Cock’s remains, and my take-out stew, I crawled outa thar.”
“I went back to my cabin first so I could put my stew on ice fer later. Then I departed. I had to be the bearer of bad news to Mrs. Miller. It wuz about 1:30 am, I reckon, when I knocked on her door. Mrs Miller opened the door in her night robe. Brutha, the front of that robe showed off them titties right fine! I could even make out the nipples through the fabric. I sed, ‘Honey, I dun found yer man. Then I set that burlap bag on her floor. I handed her BC’s dog tags. Then I pointed to the bag of body parts and sed ‘What’s left of him is in here. You want to take a look, or you wanna jest save it fer a proper funeral?’
“At this here point, Mrs. Miller broke down cryin. About that time I heard old Sheriff call out ‘Honey? You coming back to bed?’ Then that fat, sloppy sumbitch came walking down the stairs wearing nothing but his drawers and patrol hat. He saw me and sed ‘Oh, hi, Roy.’”
“I wuz speechless. I sed, ‘What the fuck is you doing? You fucking BC’s bitch?’ He stammered about and sed ‘Well, Roy, she is hurtin and I jest tried to comfort her, then one thang led to another.’ “
“Mrs. Miller had then composed herself and walked over. She apologized for falling apart like that. The she hugged me, saying thank you for finding out what happened to John and for bringing his remains home so she can have a service and grieve properly. I told her I wuz sorry fer her loss.”
“Then I sed, ‘You know what you need, Mrs. Miller?’ She looked puzzled. I sed ‘You need a good fucking slapped on yer ass. That fat-fuck Sheriff couldn’t make a dog come to dinner. Why don’t ya let old Roy, The “Pope of Joy”, take you upstairs and DESTROY your pussy? We’ll make Sheriff just sit there and watch, like in a cuck video.”
“So the three of us went upstairs. I tied up Sheriff to a chair and he had to sit there and watch me bang his new girlfriend the rest of the night! He even cried a little. Ha ha ha ha!!!!”
“The next morning I woke up lying next to Old Mrs. Miller. Sheriff wuz still tied up at bedside, but he wuz sleeping. His head wuz down and he wuz snoring. I wuz still a bit shook up by Big Cock’s death. Mrs. Miller wuz sleeping soundly, which wuz to be expected after I put a pounding on that pussy.”
“I sed out loud, ‘Old Big Cock, wharever you is right now, I hope ya know I is sorry fer how this turned out, buddy. But, as tribute to you and all the fun we used to have back in Nam, please accept this gesture as a token of our friendship.’ Then I reached fer my Ruger .480.”
“At the sound of the report from the pistol, Old Sheriff, still tied up, fell over in the chair, landing hard on the floor with a THUD. I then sed ‘Well, Mrs. Miller, you fucked me good. So now I returned the favor. You are FUCKED!’ Indeed, her brains were splattered all over the wall.”
“I untied old Sheriff and told him that he wuz going to have the distinct pleasure and privilege of buying me breakfast at the Waffle House this morning. He asked why I executed Mrs. Miller. I sed I wuz jest settin Big Cock free.”

Ryo Saeba

(Alternate Header Image 1 2)

"You pulled off a shrewd plan, I applaud you for that. But you made one mistake. You showed me the tears of a woman. And now you have to pay the price for it."

Anyone who has spent considerable time in Tokyo, or Japan as a whole for that matter, may have heard rumors about the blackboard in Shinjuku station. They say that if you have a problem and can't go to the police, all you have to do is write a note with the letters XYZ at the end and wait for the mysterious City Hunter to come and find you. However, pretty much anyone that's done this will tell you that the City Hunter isn't exactly the man you might expect.
At the incredibly young age of three years old, Ryo Saeba was traveling with his parents when their plane crashed in a country in Central America that was in the middle of a civil war. Being the sole survivor, Ryo wandered the jungle for days until he stumbled upon a village of guerilla fighters that were battling their country's government. The guerillas would only accept warriors that could fight with them, so Ryo joined their ranks in order to survive. They taught him everything they knew about fighting, weapons, and warfare until Ryo grew to be one of the most dangerous men on the battlefield. However, the government forces eventually overwhelmed them, chasing the guerillas out of the country. Now an adult, Ryo made his way to the United States and opted to become a sweeper, a mercenary/bounty hunteprivate detective that performs off the books jobs to clean up the filthy criminal underworld. Partnering with Mick Angel, another sweeper and one of his best friends, Ryo formed the team known as City Hunter.
At some point, Ryo left the US and returned to Japan, the country of his birth, where he kept the City Hunter name for himself and continued doing sweeper work with a new partner, ex-detective Hideyuki Makimura. Ryo's reputation spread rapidly, becoming known as one of the most dangerous men in the criminal underworld. So what's the problem? Well, he does have one weakness: Beautiful women. Despite his upbringing, Ryo is a goofy pervert and womanizer that would only accept jobs from the prettiest women around if he had his way. For awhile, he had Makimura to keep him in check, but his partner would meet a tragic end after refusing a job from a powerful drug syndicate, giving Ryo the dying request of looking after his little sister Kaori. Initially planning to help Kaori get out of the city, Ryo was surprised to find that Kaori wanted to take her brother's place as Ryo's assistant/partner and continue the work he thought was so important. Together, they became the newest iteration of City Hunter, sweeping the streets of Japan of evil and assisting any beautiful women that requested their services.
While his methods may be questionable, rest assured that the City Hunter always sees a job through no matter what criminal organizations, serial killers, or assassins stand in his way.
Note:

• Surprisingly, City Hunter was never given a full official English translation until early 2022. While chapters have been releasing steadily since then, only Chapters 1-38 are actually translated. This thread uses all available pages of the official translation, but afterwards will be forced to rely on fan-translations.
• Kaori hitting Ryo in the head with hammers whenever he acts pervy is a running gag throughout the series, which results in some of his better durability feats. While it may seem best to write these off as gag feats, there's plenty of evidence to suggest these feats are actual aspects of the City Hunter world and should be taken literally.
  • The hammers are acknowledged by unrelated bystanders as too heavy to lift^Ch99
  • A hammer plays an integral part of a serious scene, with it's handle being destroyed leading into the villains kidnapping Kaori^Ch120
  • Kaori literally destroys their bath to prevent Ryo from getting intimate with a woman which affects the plot of that chapter^Ch145
  • Kaori is legitimately strong in her own right so these feats aren't unprecedented^Ch187
• The most notable feats in each section will be bolded.

Strength

Striking
Vs Enemies

• Knocks out a biker far larger than him with a single punch to the stomach^Ch8
• Knocks out three Yakuza members with a camera^Ch45
• Incapacitates a large biker gang, including a member who was twice as tall as the others^Ch75
• Sends a large man flying down an alley and later knocks that same man out of a window^Ch121

Destructive Output

• Breaks a baton and sends a mob member far larger than him flying back^Ch6
• Smashes through a wall with a wooden mallet^Ch69
• Sends a man far larger than him flying back, destroying the set of a dance recital^Ch71
• Knocks a pair of thugs through a wooden door^Ch166
• Defeats a group of mercenaries offscreen, one of which was shown to have had his head smashed into a small crater in the ground^Ch174
• Kicks down a metal gate after shooting the lock^Ch175

Lifting/Throwing

• Lifts a student off the ground, smashing his head through the ceiling of the lecture hall and leaving a sizeable hole^Ch15
• Isn't slowed down at all as he carries his ally while fleeing a torrent of bullets^Ch21
• Catches one of Kaori's hammer swings^Ch47
  • The majority of Kaori's best hammer feats can be found in the Durability section for scaling
• Catches a punch from behind and throws the attacker hard enough to knock over some tombstones^Ch81
• Throws a knife hard enough to embed it in a wall^Ch95
• Stands up while a giant spikey metal ball is tied to his back^Ch162

Jumping/Charging

• Leaps through the ceiling of his apartment in terror^Ch65
• Dives with enough force to smash his head through a stone wall^Ch94
• While tied to a giant spikey metal ball, he lifts it up and uses it to crash through a wall and stop the man that was attacking his client^Ch162

Other

• Uses garrote wire to decapitate a man^Ch4
• Digs his fingers and toes into stone to avoid falling into a spike trap^Ch53
• Bites through the tip of a spear^Ch93
• Flicks a pachinko ball hard enough that it knocks a knife out of a thug's hand which is embedded in the handle of a wheelchair^Ch102
• [Anti-Feat] Was unable to free himself after getting his dick trapped in the doors of a train^Ch104
• Bites and stabs his toes into a stone wall so that he could climb it despite being tied up^Ch109
• Easily catches the stab and breaks the wrist of a serial killer^Ch131

Speed

Travel

• After killing a suicide bomber he charges a short distance to knock him away before his body can fall to the ground^Ch5
• Pushes a woman out of the way of a speeding truck and then proceeds to briefly outrun that truck^Ch14
• In the time that it took a thug to enter a building and break into a girl's appartment, Ryo traveled all the way there from his appartment (the exact distance is unclear, but the reflection of the girl's telescope appears to be at least several blocks away)^Ch102
• While bra-lusted, he runs straight through a mine field and emerges unharmed^Ch154
• Instantly crosses a large warehouse to where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Reactions
Melee

• Sidesteps a biker's punch^Ch8
• Grabs someone so that they take a bat to the face for him when the swing was mere inches from his head^Ch35
• Easily dodges and catches a serial killer's stab^Ch130
• Ryo narrowly avoided Mick Angel's attacks after he had been injected with Angel Dust^Ch182
  • Angel dust increases muscular power beyond its limits^Ch184

Aim Dodging

• Leans back and narrowly avoids a point blank pistol shot from Miki, an ex-mercenary^Ch86
  • He later jumps around a store so that she was unable to land a shot on him^Ch86
• After Miki hypnotized herself to shoot him immediately after he said a certain key word, he was narrowly able to react in time to knock aside her gun^Ch88
• Avoids Koumori's aim long enough to get thrown his own gun and retaliate (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• Narrowly avoids Umibozu's shots at various points throughout their duel^Ch148
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
  • Umibozu is an incredible shot in his own right, hitting numerous perfect shots while blindfolded^Ch145
• Jumps to avoid nearly point blank machine gun fire from a professional assassin called the Black Lizard^Ch153
• Engages in a gunfight with Mick Angel, during which he climbed the outside of his building without getting hit^Ch175
  • Mick claims to be the number one sweeper in America and Umibozu corroborates this, saying that Mick is likely Ryo's equal in skill^Ch175
• Avoids the fire of several well trained soldiers at once^Ch191

Projectiles

• Moves Kaori out of the way of some thrown daggers^Ch6
• Dodges and reacts to various thrown, metal-edged playing cards^Ch23
• Reacts to a revolver round, moving his erection an instant before it was blasted off^Ch53
  • This comes with the caveat that Ryo already knew Umibozu was watching him to make sure he didn't act up, and he realized his mistake before the shot was fired^Ch53
• Catches a thrown knife with his teeth^Ch90
• Seemingly deflect trap arrows while sprinting down a booby trapped hallway^Ch93
• Chops two trap spears that were launched at him to the ground^Ch154
• Shoots through a knife after it was thrown at him^Ch162
• Narrowly reacts to darts fired from a mechanism on Mick's wrist^Ch188

Other

• Protects himself with a table before a grenade can explode in his face^Ch112
• After triggering a car bomb it's revealed that he managed to avoid it^Ch167

Combat/Attacking

• When a drugged up opponent attacks him from behind, Ryo draws his gun and shoots him to the ground and, by the time he staggered to his feet, had already moved behind him to strangle him^Ch4
• Leaps high into the air, moving fast enough to seemingly vanish to his attackers^Ch8
• Repeatedly stabs the space between his fingers at high speeds without cutting himself^Ch10
• Moves faster than a soldier can track, appearing behind her after dodging her punch^Ch20
• Even while his opponent has a gun trained on him, Ryo throws a bra over his eyes and scampers into the ceiling before he can recover^Ch21
  • This man could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch20
• Flicks a series of pachinko balls at some thugs at high speeds^Ch46
• Steals Reika's bra off her person before she can realize what happened^Ch59
• Beats up a group of Yakuza in a few seconds^Ch72
• When a disguised police detective has a gun trained on him, Ryo grabs and throws a scalpel into his hand before he can pull the trigger^Ch103

Quickdraw/Shooting

• Has multiple examples of shooting opponents who were already aiming at him
  • High ranking mob member^Ch6
  • Foreign prince that could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch21/20
  • Professional killer^Ch119
  • A well trained soldier^Ch190
• Quickdraws a shotgun to destroy his attacker's whip mid-swing^Ch9
• Using a mounted machine gun, he takes out a squad of terrorists before any of them could fire a single shot back^Ch19
• Beats his opponent in a quickdraw even after giving him a head start (this opponent also claimed to be more skilled than ordinary soldiers)^Ch19
• Quickdraws and fires before a Yakuza hitman had even grabbed his weapon, moving so fast that the hitman didn't believe him to be human^Ch23
• Notices a series of scalpels falling from the sky and shoots them out of the air before they can hit his client^Ch38
• Uses his gun to disarm six thugs in a split second before any of them could pull their triggers despite having their guns trained on him and then immediately does it again^Ch76
• Beats a hitman in a quickdraw, disarming him and destroying his belt to drop his pants before he realized what happened^Ch90
• Defeats Koumori, not just in a quickdraw but actually managing to hit him in the face with his gun before the other man pulled his trigger (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• While Umibozu had his gun trained on him, Ryo managed to pull his gun and fire in the same time it took Umibozu to only pull his trigger^Ch149
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
• Shoots multiple hidden explosives in an instant^Ch159

Agility/Mobility

Acrobatics

• Vaults over a countertop and tackles a cashier to the ground to avoid a torrent of gunfire^Ch30
• Flips out of the way of an incoming truck from a seated position^Ch74
• Performs several back handsprings to distance himself from an explosion^Ch154

Jumping

• Leaps from a stage and gets tangled in the lights^Ch68
• Repeatedly jumping across a street while traversing rooftops without any sleep the night before^Ch94
• [NSFW] After falling from a rooftop, he leaps back up to retaliate against his opponent^Ch95
• Leaps up to a second story platform where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Climbing

• Rapidly scales the side of a building^Ch94
• Performs pullups by sticking his fingers into holes in the ceiling^Ch102
• Clings to the side of a window^Ch102
• Climbs down a wall like Spider-Man^Ch109
  • He has done this on several occasions^Ch173
• Scales the outside of his building during a gunfight^Ch175

Hanging

• Dangles from a rope by his feet like a spider^Ch68
• Clings to a windowsill by his toes^Ch98

Propping/Wedging

• Props himself in the top corner of a room^Ch65
• Wedges himself between two ceiling rafters^Ch82
• Hides from Kaori by going into an alley and propping himself high between two buildings^Ch102
• [NSFW] Props himself between the wall and ceiling of a shower at an impossible angle^Ch161

Other

• Drops onto a moving car from a tree branch, maintaining his balance with apparent ease even when the car crashes into a light pole^Ch16
• Uses a rope to swing onto a stage and save an idol from a rabid mob^Ch24
• Runs along walls while avoiding booby traps^Ch93
• Saves a man from a collapsing floor^Ch114

Durability

Blunt

• Kaori embeds him into the ground and then smashes his head through the side of a building^Ch52
• Gets sent flying through a door and embedded in a wall^Ch68
• Kaori hits him hard enough to make a crater bigger than he is^Ch78
• Kaori smashes an entire bed over his head, partially sending him through his apartment's floor^Ch79
• Kaori knocks him through the wall of a bathhouse and he isn't bothered at all^Ch85
• Umibozu slams him into a wall hard enough to crater it and he immediately recovered^Ch87
• Takes blows from Umibozu on multiple different ocassions, with Umibozu being strong enough to crush the top of a car and and split a wooden table in half with his strikes^{Ch147/90/55/146}
• Immediately gets up after Kaori smashes him into the pavement^Ch104
• Umibozu rips a lamp post from the ground and throws it at Ryo's face hard enough to bend it^Ch146
• Kaori knocks him through a stone wall^Ch151
• Kaori craters him into the roof of their building^Ch175

Piercing

• Getting swarmed by piranhas and has no visible damage after^Ch112
• Gets slammed by a giant spiked ball trap with no visible puncture wound afterwards^Ch151

Explosive

• Gets caught in a trap where multiple grenades and dynamite packs explode on top of him, blasting a hole in the side of his apartment building^Ch87
  • Here is the destruction from that blast from several other angles^Ch88
• Is hit with a pointblank explosion that destroys a wall in his appartment^Ch102
• Repeatedly shoots through a plane from the inside, causing it to blowup so he can escape^Ch119

Falling

• Jumps from his apartment and crashes onto a car below, heavily denting the top of it without injury^Ch32
  • We see in a later chapter that Ryo lives on the fifth floor^Ch67
• Gets dropped from the fourth floor of a hospital, crashing into the pavement and forming a fairly large crater^Ch38
• [NSFW] Falls from a rooftop and craters into the street^Ch93

Electrical

• Kaori electrocutes him twice with a defibrillator and he immediately gets up (though the third time causes his heart to stop)^Ch47
  • Afterwards he was revealed to have been temporarily crippled by the attacks^Ch47
• A door trap electrocutes him and soon after the same thing happens when he touches barred windows^Ch53

Endurance/Survivability

• Saeko kicks him in the face with heels, puncturing his forehead^Ch19
• Has sex with forty women over the course of two weeks, leaving him visibly drained but still able to continue^Ch21
• Capable of fighting effectively even with a broken leg^Ch38
• Gets flattened and pops back into shape^Ch69
• Kaori hits him with a spikey metal ball and a spike goes straight through his head^Ch97
• Drank extensively for two days straight without sleep and was still able to operate at normal efficiency^Ch159

Other

• Gets trampled by a crowd of rabid idol fans that had previously burst through several walls^Ch24
• Gets crushed under a large weight^Ch67
• His Super Mokkori pushes him up against concrete with enough force to crack it^Ch86
• Is standing on the roof of a several story tall abandoned building when Kaori accidentally triggers the explosives she'd filled it with, causing the building to collapse and he survives^Ch175
• Pray for his recovery...^Ch185
  • Oh god not again...^Ch185
• After getting injected with a tranquilizer, he was able to defend a surgeon immediately after, claiming a Yakuza's animosity negated the tranquilizer's effects^Ch186

Cock

Yes, you read that right. Ryo's penis, his erection, his boner, his mokkori. It's frankly capable of some pretty incredible things and seems to have stats that are completely independent of Ryo's other physical abilities. So much so that it's probably best to have an entire section of the thread dedicated to it. I'm not sorry.
Physicals
Strength/Growing Power

• Bursts through bullet proof glass^Ch21
• [NSFW] Supports a 100kg weight^Ch28
• After getting placed in a steel chastity belt, Ryo eventually gets a boner so strong that it breaks through^Ch32
  • Though this does leave him in a... rough state^Ch32
• Bursts straight through a wall (though he was unable to free himself afterwards)^Ch40
• Traps Ryo's head between it and the roof of a car like a vice^Ch46
• Knocks a door off its hinges^Ch73
• Pushes against a store's wooden support beams with enough force to crack concrete and eventually destroy several of the wooden beams^Ch86

Speed

• Moves to avoid a bullet from a revolver when is was an inch away from hitting him^Ch53

Durability

• [NSFW] Is electrocuted when it touches a mannequin that had been attached to an electrical outlet, and after the initial shock Ryo recovered mostly fine^Ch24
• Withstands getting smashed through a wall twice^Ch45
• Caves in Ryo's face when his head is slammed into it by Kaori, implying its durability is higher than that of Ryo himself^Ch48
• A rapist breaks his ankle trying to kick it^Ch48
• [NSFW][Anti-Feat] Gets trapped in the door of a train^Ch104
  • This was revealed to have seriously injured him^Ch104

Abilities
Detecting Women

• His boner let him detect that his assailant was a pretty woman even when he couldn't see them in the dark^Ch12
• Ryo acts up after accidentally walking in on his client who had disguised herself as a man, despite not actually seeing through the disguise himself^Ch77
• [NSFW] Acts as a "beauty detector" to lead him towards beautiful women, but it has been fooled by dirty magazines before^Ch104

Other

• Even if you don't use your eyes Ryo is canonically packing heat^Ch38
• I just... I... uhhh...^Ch45
• Can repeatedly retract it at will and at a moment's notice^Ch45
• [Anti-Feat] Seeing a princess in a leotard did nothing for him, with Ryo describing it as if she has an aura that blocks his horny power^Ch65
  • He later describes this aura as "the repulsion of a girl who didn't know what love was", which disappeared when the princess began to fall for him^Ch65
  • The princess' handler later describes it a "noble aura" that not even Ryo can break through^Ch65

Intelligence

General Knowledge
World Knowledge

• Claims to have every criminal case from the last ten years memorized^Ch10
• Does heavy background checks and memorizes information on women people he's working with^Ch60
• When a woman describes how her sister was shot during a fight between Yakuza, Ryo was already familiar with the situation^Ch102

Weapon/Chemical Knowledge

• Recognized the scent of chloroform in a room despite it being ventilated from it's earlier use^Ch41/40
• Disarms a car bomb^Ch51
• Immediately recognizes an old scar as a bullet wound^Ch102
• Disarms a bomb^Ch119
• When a fire alarm is set off, he quickly recognizes that the smoke is closer to that of a smoke bomb than an ordinary fire^Ch136

Deduction

• Recognizes that his assailant was using old guerilla warfare tactics and that he was about to be driven directly into a minefield^Ch12
• Determines that a room must have a secret passageway based on the kidnapper's rush^Ch41
• Figures out that a man was actually poisoned rather than dying of sickness just by looking at his picture^Ch92

Other

• Disables a mansion's alarms^Ch95
• Determines a woman's measurements with a glance^Ch104
• Tricks his client's uncle into revealing his true motivation for stopping her business^Ch109
• Managed to steal classified information from a police detective's computer using unknown means^Ch118
• Seemingly capable of basic lockpicking (though he may have just kicked the door down)^Ch132

Planning

• Lures a serial killer into attacking him in his room, only for it to be revealed that he had placed a mannequin under his covers while he was hiding under the bed itself, which also allowed his ally to get a glimpse of the mystery killer's face^Ch2
• When a mob boss believed he had led him into a trap, its revealed that Ryo had planned for it, stuffing his car's tailpipe with nails to shred through the enemy force and stealing an armored truck full of drug money^Ch6
• Came up with a plan to fake a man's death by literally shooting him, wounding him to the point where he could still escape before his body was supposedly destroyed in a car explosion^Ch10
  • While the escape route was partially ruined by Ryo's assistants, he managed to stall the man they were trying to fool long enough for the plan to be successful anyway^Ch10
• Impersonates a sergeant so that he can slip a sleeping agent into her entire squad's dinner, then proceeds to impersonate the man their squad was working for and order that they quickly eat their dinner, which leads to every guard being knocked out so that Ryo could engage with the boss unimpeded^Ch20
• Intentionally chose his apartment because there is only one location someone could potentially snipe him from that was over a kilometer away, which allowed him to predict where a Yakuza sniper would set up^Ch60
• After the head of the police narcotics division admits to various crimes to a woman who he is about to eliminate, Ryo announces that it was all captured on a secret microphone he hid in the room^Ch61
• Knowing that his old partner was trying to kill him he used a mirror to trick her so that he could appear behind her^Ch113
• After briefly handling a thug's gun he's revealed to have placed a bug on it so that he will track down the woman Ryo was looking for for him^Ch121

Quick Thinking

• When a man takes a girl hostage in front of a large crowd, Ryo shoots through his own hand to slow the bullet down so that it takes out the assailant but doesn't break the glass behind him^Ch2
  • It's later confirmed that he made sure to avoid the bones in his hand, making this an accuracy feat as well^Ch2
• Uses the sparks from a bullet to briefly illuminate a pitch black room so that he could see his target^Ch3
• After noticing that he was surrounded by a group of Yakuza, he goads a massive man into attacking them so he and his client can make a quick getaway^Ch23
• In order to accomplish his mission of causing a truck to crash without revealing his identity as the City Hunter, he pretends to assault the woman he was with so that she would push him away, sending him tumbling towards the truck so he could clandestinely shoot its tires^Ch74

Mental Fortitude/Pain Resistance

• Doesn't react to the pain of shooting through his own hand^Ch2
• Resists the urge to emote after getting shot twice in the ass with arrows^Ch25
• Breaks his own leg to get himself admitted into a hospital^Ch38
  • Doesn't react after using that same broken leg to foil a hitman which was later said to have broken his leg even further^Ch38
• Bluffs that he swapped an assassin's hidden gun camera with an ordinary one, being so convincing that the assassin both surrendered and wet himself in fear^Ch51
• Was able to deny his urges when a sexy lady was flirting with him in order to keep up the appearance that he was engaged to his client so that her suitors would leave her alone^Ch106
• Doesn't hesitate when a bullet grazes his cheek, continuing his fight^Ch175

Gear

Firearms

• Colt .357 Magnum^Ch2
  • Has a second magnum he keeps in an ankle holster for if the first one runs out of ammo^Ch6
  • Comes with a scope for longer distance shots and a silencer which was effective enough that he didn't draw attention after firing in the middle of a crowd of people^Ch28/10
  • While it theoretically only holds six bullets he has fired more than that either without reloading or by seamlessly reloading between shots^Ch28
  • Strong enough to fire straight through a plane's exterior (also another example of firing more than six shots in rapid succession)^Ch119
  • Was modified by a legendary gunsmith to be more accurate^Ch124
  • Shots partially destroy various gravestones^Ch147
  • Fires straight through a stone wall into the opposite wall^Ch175
• .44 Magnum^Ch19
• .41 Magnum (he considers this to be a "one of a thousand" gun with far greater accuracy than other firearms)^Ch19
• M36 Revolver^Ch7
• M686 Revolver^Ch90
• Rifle^Ch1
• Pump-Action Shotgun^Ch6
• Machine Gun^Ch26
• Submachine Gun^Ch114
• Sniper rifle^Ch27

Ammo

• Full metal jacket bullets for his Colt Python that ricochet off of solid surfaces and produce sparks when they do^Ch3
• A golden .500 Nitro Express that Ryo claimed can move a 2 ton object a whole foot when fired from over 100 meters away, which when fired into a target's ear sticks to the inside of their skull without piercing through^Ch1
• A .30 M1 Carbine Jacket that fires and spins slowly enough that it can shoot through a man's stomach without damaging any internal organs, resulting in a wound rather than a fatal shot^Ch10
• Rubber bullets^Ch28

Other Long Ranged Weapons

• Bazooka^Ch37
  • Blasts large craters in the street^Ch37
  • Kaori later used one to blast sizeable holes in concrete^Ch114
• Twin RPGs^Ch191
• Crossbow with short arrows, making them impossible to pull out^Ch2
• Various throwing knives lining his inner coat^Ch11
• Pachinko balls which he can flick with pinpoint accuracy^Ch102

Melee Weapons

• Garrote wire^Ch4
• Hidden ankle blades^Ch5
• A glove with a metal attachment that gives a secondary blow to whoever he punches^Ch6
• Brass knuckles^Ch25
• A hidden knife in his belt buckle^Ch142

Explosives

• Nitroglycerine, which Ryo claims an entire spilled bottle would blow a pair of kidnappers to smitherines^Ch16
• Remote explosives which he uses to destroy a lab^Ch37
• Dynamite that when used repeatedly eventually resulted in a yakuza clan's headquarters to be completely leveled (the headquarters was a fairly tall building)^Ch84
• His partner Kaori has shown to pack grenades which she would've gotten from his armory^Ch168
  • This is true for flash bangs as well^Ch172

Espionage/Tracking/Surveillance

• Small microphones to bug targets^Ch6
• Police radio^Ch6
• Homing transmitter^Ch42
  • Ryo has dozens of them attached to people of interest around the city, all of which he can track using a device in his car^Ch80
  • Their signals are fairly weak, having a range of only one kilometer^Ch80
• Gear that allows him to listen in on Umibozu's phone call^Ch174

Chemicals

• A ring laced with fast acting poison^Ch5
• A fast acting sleeping pill which he stores in his tooth^Ch20
  • Says that someone he used it on would sleep "at least till tomorrow" (the time of day he used it is unclear but it would presumably be at least 12 hours)^Ch113
• His secret weapon PATCH-WORK PATTERN PANTALOONS (a pair of boxer briefs that are filled with packets of various chemicals, including anesthetics, truth serum, and sleeping agents)^Ch20
• Instant acting sleeping powder^Ch64

Other

• Bullet proof vest (along with fake blood packs to be extra convincing)^Ch6
• Ear plugs^Ch109
• Lighter^Ch142
• The inner lining of his coat is lined with a special chemical that, when burned, causes a massive cloud of tear gas to emit from it and the outer coat is packed with plastic explosives and a detonator^Ch142
  • He also keeps various weapons in the lining of his coat, such as a dismantled revolver, a miniature time bomb that he uses to blow up a criminal organization's ammo depot, and most importantly condoms^Ch141/142

This Thread is Continued in the Comments Below

“When your back is against the wall, everything in on the table. Narrow your timetable to the next few minutes, they’re all that matter. A bloody victory or a bloody death. Choose.” -The AI unwillingmainer (paraphrased).
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First, Previous, Patreon (W/ Rizz).
/
The world spun. Not just around Sustain, but inside her head. Groaning, she forced her eyelids open, the once-brilliant display of her mech's cockpit now a shattered, sparking mess. Her ears rang, a constant whine battling the dull throb of her skull.
Panic clawed its way up her throat. The battle... she lost. Her mech, a twisted mockery of what it once was, hung limply in the grip of another. A monstrous war machine, its dull green paint job streaked with oil and ash, loomed over her. Her breath hitched, her Dad’s face the only thing she was able to picture.
This was it. Capture. Or worse.
Suddenly, the enemy mech twitched, its heavy attention shifting away from her. A streak of blue light lanced across its bulky torso. Sparks showered. The enemy machine bellowed, a digitized roar of fury as it tried to swivel, target the attacker.
Too slow. Another bolt of energy, precisely aimed this time, punctured a joint. The enemy mech staggered, roaring, the crushing grip on Sustain's machine loosening.
Her ruined mech crashed to the scorched ground, sending a shockwave through her battered body. Pain lanced from ankle to skull, a vicious reminder she wasn't out of this yet. The enemy mech fell onto the feet of hers, shaking her battered body around once more. The headache was simply brutal. But at least she was alive, and presumably safe.
Had Churk and Jac returned for her?
She might have been too harsh in her mental estimates of the Algeen’s.
With a grinding screech, metal tore from metal. Sustain groaned as her ears turned the sound into torturous white noise. The front panelling of her mech's cockpit was wrenched away in a shower of sparks. Churk's mech hovered in the opening. Unless of course some other Tide mech had decided to save her, but she very much doubted that.
Churk spoke through the loudspeaker of his machine, his voice a warbling croak. Less like a frog and surprisingly more like a bird call, at least to Sustain’s untrained ears. Her neural link had performed an emergency shutdown after being overloaded by the electrical smoke and the damage to her machine. Had she not been in a combat zone, it would have been illegal for her to reboot the delicate brain interface so soon. But she did.
The headache lessened slightly, the pressure against her eyes fading away, and Churk’s voice filled her understanding once more.
"You alright? Nothing broken? Your machine is toast." Churk said, his eyes filled with concern.
"Just my pride." Sustain managed a weak grin.
"Humans." Churk scoffed, Sustain’s grin became just a little bit more vivid. Now he was getting it.
Effortlessly, Churk's mech reached into the wreckage. He scooped her up in one fluid motion, the strength and gentleness of the gesture momentarily erasing the brutal battleground around them. Churk cradled her against his mech's armour. It was oddly conforming to be held by something so large, even if the material she was pressed up against was so metallic and firm.
Churk slowly brought her up until she was eye to sensor array with his machine. He peered at her, through the enhanced vision of the mech, as if trying to weigh up her impressive achievements thus far with the things he was beginning to suspect.
“Why are you here Sustain?” He asked. Sustain found his voice to be calm. Too calm. Her heartrate increased as her grin was dashed.
“To recover the civilian population before the Tide can get to them?” She asked, faking a confused look, but she knew that wasn’t what Churk was asking. She glanced to her right to see Jac there too.
“You said there were a thousand of these operations taking place around Algeen Prime, but even if you’re the best humanity has to offer, watching humanities’ armies in action must truly be a sight to behold. So why so sparring with your forces? Why not take the fight to a capital city, and save a billion Algeen’s instead of at best two million? Where is the fight Sustain.”
Churk didn’t sound angry, but in his place Sustain would have been shaking with rage, so she answered slowly. Carefully. She just looked up. Night was falling, how long had she been out? How much time was left until the show started?
“You know what the Tide Mega Fleets are, yeah?”
A shutter ran through Churk’s spine.
“I’ve had the personal displeasure.” He waved his mech’s free hand at Jac. “We’re the only two that made it home from our carrier.”
His voice was smooth, too smooth. Too evenly controlled. But Sustain could hear it slipping. His control fracturing under fear and brutal memories.
“Humanity has six hundred systems to its name, once they’re done absorbing yours, which they will be very soon, the Tide will have over three times that amount. Even a grunt like me can see that’s not a winning proposition. We need an edge; raw skill isn’t going to cut it. We need a technological advantage. Which means time, and you don’t gain time by throwing your soldiers away to save a dying republic. Even if it’s the right thing to do.”
Sustain took a breath. A long, deep, breath.
“So, you’re here for the Mega fleets, the Tide’s best. Humanity intends to dull the spears edge before withdrawing to more defensible territory. To its defensible territory.” Jac was finally speaking, his voice raw with emotion. Thick and heavy.
Sustain glanced over at him, before turning again to face Churk. If anyone was going to kill her right now, it would be him. He wouldn’t let his subordinate perform such a morally grey action. Well, she thought he wouldn’t anyway.
“If we were going after those fleets directly, I’d be in orbit. This operation is huge, but even so, taking them on would be a massive hail merry. An all or nothing gamble and there’s no way high command would be that desperate just yet…” Sustain paused and looked down at the farm below her. “As I understand it, your planets core is hollow. There’s an absolutely massive AI core down there, and all the reactors needed to power it...”
Churk stepped back involuntarily and Sustain was knocked off his mechs hand. She fell hard onto soft soil, sprawling gracelessly out as the two Algeen’s towered over her in their Tide mechs.
“You can’t be serious.” There were both speaking at once, but Sustain could only hear Jac, as he took one massive step towards her. “Humanity wouldn’t… You wouldn’t. No one would. Not even the Tide would…”
Sustain simply rose to her feet, but suddenly found she could no longer look at the two Algeen’s in their mech’s faces. Silence stretched over the Algeen farm, as if even the dead that lay in the fertile fields were unwilling to moan or scream in either rage or pain.
Sustain flinched at Churk raised his mechs railgun and fired again, the Tide AA gun collapsed in on its and promptly exploded. That very same railgun spun through the air, and Sustain found herself staring down the barrel of a gun that was longer then she was tall.
“Swear to me, that you had nothing to do with the planning of this mission. Swear to me that you’re just a pawn. A tool used by desperate demons to accomplish this…” He waved at the AA gun with his mech’s other hand, and the barrel of the machine’s weapon swayed ever so slightly. “This… Pity mission… That’s why you’re here isn’t it? You figured out the truth, but you were never told. You’re here because in your heart you wanted to save those that you could, even if it was your own people that would kill them if you didn’t?”
Churk sounded less like he was questioning or threatening her, even as he held a massive weapon pointed at her. The damn had broken, Sustain thought he might be crying. He sounded like he was crying. Like he was begging her to be… good? Like he needed even those that might be his enemy to be, in some way or form, civilised.
Sustain knew what she should say, but she didn’t have it in her soul to lie to this man. She wasn’t raised like that.
“I didn’t have a hand in planning any of this. But if I was put in charge, it’s exactly what I would do. It’s this, and a thousand other black actions that win a war. This is why we’re here after all. To do what your republic wouldn’t.”
Sustain was looking Churk in his metaphorical eyes again, self-righteous in pose and prose. But she was shaking limb from limb. He had absolutely no reason not to obliterate her on the spot. No reason to believe the transport wouldn’t still deploy without her being there. He’d be right too; he could wipe her away without so much as a speck of blood on his hands. Without consequence.
But perhaps such a thing was simply too human for the Algeen’s. Or perhaps, with his very world about to be wiped away in the transition from one slaughter to another, he simply wanted to go home to his family still able to call himself a righteous man.
Churk lowered his mech’s weapon, and simply turned his back on her. His mech beginning the slow and plodding journey back home. To a new, albeit uncertain future. Sustain looked at Jac, who took longer as he weighed up the mental pros and cons of killing her, until eventually her too took his leave of her.
Sustain fell to her knees at the sight of the two ex-tide machine’s back. Suddenly feeling oh so very exhausted. For as alien as the environment felt, a farm was still a farm, the dirt itself was comforting. Familiar. All in all, this wasn’t a bad place to die. Saving almost two thousand Algeen’s in doing so. Not a bad way to die at all.
But she hadn’t saved them. She hadn’t saved anybody. Not yet, not until the war came to an end. Not until humanity levelled the playing field and beat back the Tide. It wasn’t ego that drove her forward, but duty. Humanity needed her skills right now, and she needed a way off this rock before it was blown sky high.
She checked her watch. Just over an hour left. Sustain looked at the piles of broken machinery, the Tide machines all had escape pods. Only the higher tiered slaves were able to use them of course, they needed special codes to be activated. But once they were, the pods had been known to manage orbit on low-G planets and moons. Humanity, and by extension Sustain herself, had those codes too.
She made her way over to the mech she had first faced down, the one she had balled over during her initial charge. Expecting the pilot to still be alive she pulled the auto pistol from her thigh holster and made sure its safety was off.
The acrid tang of scorched metal and burnt hydraulics stung Sustain's nostrils as she got closer. The enemy mech was a hulking monstrosity of angular plates and exposed wiring. One of its legs was mangled, but she didn’t need it walking.
Fortunately, her neural lace was able to interface with the Tide technology, but the mech wasn’t accepting the open cockpit commands she was sending it. Her heartrate increased. If the mech didn’t accept the codes she had, the escape pod might stay in hibernation and she would be very, very dead.
She calmed herself with a deep breath and the thought that it could be a simply mechanical failure. She had hit the damn thing pretty hard, heavy armour or not, something might be damaged in the cockpit’s mechanism.
With a practiced eye, she scanned for weak points, a way to breach the enemy cockpit. A massive dent near the central torso had pulled two central pieces of armour apart. It offered her the best route. Sustain wormed her way into the machine, trying to keep her pistol pointed forward, trying to avoid cutting herself.
Once under the armour the problem became apparent. The cockpit was opening but was colliding with the central chest piece, which was stubbornly refusing to move. So she had just damaged something, good. Even better was the fact that the gap between the cockpits door and the armour was wide enough that Sustain was pretty sure she could squeeze inside of it. Even without moving the armour. Of course if the enemy pilot was awake, they might take offense to that action…
She paused for a long few minutes, simply listening. She couldn’t hear any movement or alien swear words from inside the cockpit, but she did think she could make out, ever so faintly, the breathing of the pilot. Unconscious perhaps?
She didn’t have the time to be sure, and if the pilot was unconscious, she wanted to make her move before they woke up. She tried to move forward with her gun out, but quickly found herself needing more then one hand in the tight space. She holstered the gun but left its safety off just in case. Sustain moved forward and slowly forced her way through.
Inside, the cockpit was a cramped nightmare of sparking panels and flickering alien symbols. And in the centre, slumped against charred consoles, was the pilot. Not the hulking humanoid she had mentally expected, but a lean, mottled green reptilian creature. Its scaled skin gleamed dully, and its chest rose and fell in shallow, unconscious breaths. A trickle of purple blood oozed from a head wound.
Duty warred with something close to pity inside Sustain. This was the enemy, the invader. Yet, they looked so... fragile. She should shoot him but… She thought of Churk and Jac, who really should have shot her. With a sigh, she pulled a length of field cable from her belt. A few swift movements, and the alien was trussed up, secured but not injured.
Only then did Sustain turn towards the mech's core console, she would have to time this perfectly, but if she did the cockpit would be launched skyward and then propelled by the shockwave of Algeen Prime’s detonation. Once in orbit she would just have to hope and pretty that it was the human forces who recovered her first. She really did not want to see what the Tide did to captured soldiers.
She still had a bit of time though, so she set an alarm with her neural lace and laid back. Attempting to ease her headache by resting her eyes. She had the feeling that in the coming few years she was going to be very, very busy.
/
First, Previous, Patreon (W/ Rizz).
​
Want me to write you a novella? I'm taking comissions!
/

Ryo Saeba

(Alternate Header Image 1 2)

"You pulled off a shrewd plan, I applaud you for that. But you made one mistake. You showed me the tears of a woman. And now you have to pay the price for it."

Anyone who has spent considerable time in Tokyo, or Japan as a whole for that matter, may have heard rumors about the blackboard in Shinjuku station. They say that if you have a problem and can't go to the police, all you have to do is write a note with the letters XYZ at the end and wait for the mysterious City Hunter to come and find you. However, pretty much anyone that's done this will tell you that the City Hunter isn't exactly the man you might expect.
At the incredibly young age of three years old, Ryo Saeba was traveling with his parents when their plane crashed in a country in Central America that was in the middle of a civil war. Being the sole survivor, Ryo wandered the jungle for days until he stumbled upon a village of guerilla fighters that were battling their country's government. The guerillas would only accept warriors that could fight with them, so Ryo joined their ranks in order to survive. They taught him everything they knew about fighting, weapons, and warfare until Ryo grew to be one of the most dangerous men on the battlefield. However, the government forces eventually overwhelmed them, chasing the guerillas out of the country. Now an adult, Ryo made his way to the United States and opted to become a sweeper, a mercenary/bounty hunteprivate detective that performs off the books jobs to clean up the filthy criminal underworld. Partnering with Mick Angel, another sweeper and one of his best friends, Ryo formed the team known as City Hunter.
At some point, Ryo left the US and returned to Japan, the country of his birth, where he kept the City Hunter name for himself and continued doing sweeper work with a new partner, ex-detective Hideyuki Makimura. Ryo's reputation spread rapidly, becoming known as one of the most dangerous men in the criminal underworld. So what's the problem? Well, he does have one weakness: Beautiful women. Despite his upbringing, Ryo is a goofy pervert and womanizer that would only accept jobs from the prettiest women around if he had his way. For awhile, he had Makimura to keep him in check, but his partner would meet a tragic end after refusing a job from a powerful drug syndicate, giving Ryo the dying request of looking after his little sister Kaori. Initially planning to help Kaori get out of the city, Ryo was surprised to find that Kaori wanted to take her brother's place as Ryo's assistant/partner and continue the work he thought was so important. Together, they became the newest iteration of City Hunter, sweeping the streets of Japan of evil and assisting any beautiful women that requested their services.
While his methods may be questionable, rest assured that the City Hunter always sees a job through no matter what criminal organizations, serial killers, or assassins stand in his way.
Note:

• Surprisingly, City Hunter was never given a full official English translation until early 2022. While chapters have been releasing steadily since then, this translation is still far from complete. This thread uses all available pages of the official translation, but afterwards will be forced to rely on fan-translations.
• Kaori hitting Ryo in the head with hammers whenever he acts pervy is a running gag throughout the series, which results in some of his better durability feats. While it may seem best to write these off as gag feats, there's plenty of evidence to suggest these feats are actual aspects of the City Hunter world and should be taken literally.
  • The hammers are acknowledged by unrelated bystanders as too heavy to lift^Ch99
  • A hammer plays an integral part of a serious scene, with it's handle being destroyed leading into the villains kidnapping Kaori^Ch120
  • Kaori literally destroys their bath to prevent Ryo from getting intimate with a woman which affects the plot of that chapter^Ch145
  • Kaori is legitimately strong in her own right so these feats aren't unprecedented^Ch187
• The most notable feats in each section will be bolded.

Strength

Striking
Vs Enemies

• Knocks out a biker far larger than him with a single punch to the stomach^Ch8
• Knocks out three Yakuza members with a camera^Ch45
• Incapacitates a large biker gang, including a member who was twice as tall as the others^Ch75
• Sends a large man flying down an alley and later knocks that same man out of a window^Ch121

Destructive Output

• Breaks a baton and sends a mob member far larger than him flying back^Ch6
• Smashes through a wall with a wooden mallet^Ch69
• Sends a man far larger than him flying back, destroying the set of a dance recital^Ch71
• Knocks a pair of thugs through a wooden door^Ch166
• Defeats a group of mercenaries offscreen, one of which was shown to have had his head smashed into a small crater in the ground^Ch174
• Kicks down a metal gate after shooting the lock^Ch175

Lifting/Throwing

• Lifts a student off the ground, smashing his head through the ceiling of the lecture hall and leaving a sizeable hole^Ch15
• Isn't slowed down at all as he carries his ally while fleeing a torrent of bullets^Ch21
• Catches one of Kaori's hammer swings^Ch47
  • The majority of Kaori's best hammer feats can be found in the Durability section for scaling
• Catches a punch from behind and throws the attacker hard enough to knock over some tombstones^Ch81
• Throws a knife hard enough to embed it in a wall^Ch95
• Stands up while a giant spikey metal ball is tied to his back^Ch162

Jumping/Charging

• Leaps through the ceiling of his apartment in terror^Ch65
• Dives with enough force to smash his head through a stone wall^Ch94
• While tied to a giant spikey metal ball, he lifts it up and uses it to crash through a wall and stop the man that was attacking his client^Ch162

Other

• Uses garrote wire to decapitate a man^Ch4
• Digs his fingers and toes into stone to avoid falling into a spike trap^Ch53
• Bites through the tip of a spear^Ch93
• Flicks a pachinko ball hard enough that it knocks a knife out of a thug's hand which is embedded in the handle of a wheelchair^Ch102
• [Anti-Feat] Was unable to free himself after getting his dick trapped in the doors of a train^Ch104
• Bites and stabs his toes into a stone wall so that he could climb it despite being tied up^Ch109
• Easily catches the stab and breaks the wrist of a serial killer^Ch131

Speed

Travel

• After killing a suicide bomber he charges a short distance to knock him away before his body can fall to the ground^Ch5
• Pushes a woman out of the way of a speeding truck and then proceeds to briefly outrun that truck^Ch14
• In the time that it took a thug to enter a building and break into a girl's appartment, Ryo traveled all the way there from his appartment (the exact distance is unclear, but the reflection of the girl's telescope appears to be at least several blocks away)^Ch102
• While bra-lusted, he runs straight through a mine field and emerges unharmed^Ch154
• Instantly crosses a large warehouse to where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Reactions
Melee

• Sidesteps a biker's punch^Ch8
• Grabs someone so that they take a bat to the face for him when the swing was mere inches from his head^Ch35
• Easily dodges and catches a serial killer's stab^Ch130
• Ryo narrowly avoided Mick Angel's attacks after he had been injected with Angel Dust^Ch182
  • Angel dust increases muscular power beyond its limits^Ch184

Aim Dodging

• Leans back and narrowly avoids a point blank pistol shot from Miki, an ex-mercenary^Ch86
  • He later jumps around a store so that she was unable to land a shot on him^Ch86
• After Miki hypnotized herself to shoot him immediately after he said a certain key word, he was narrowly able to react in time to knock aside her gun^Ch88
• Avoids Koumori's aim long enough to get thrown his own gun and retaliate (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• Narrowly avoids Umibozu's shots at various points throughout their duel^Ch148
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
  • Umibozu is an incredible shot in his own right, hitting numerous perfect shots while blindfolded^Ch145
• Jumps to avoid nearly point blank machine gun fire from a professional assassin called the Black Lizard^Ch153
• Engages in a gunfight with Mick Angel, during which he climbed the outside of his building without getting hit^Ch175
  • Mick claims to be the number one sweeper in America and Umibozu corroborates this, saying that Mick is likely Ryo's equal in skill^Ch175
• Avoids the fire of several well trained soldiers at once^Ch191

Projectiles

• Moves Kaori out of the way of some thrown daggers^Ch6
• Dodges and reacts to various thrown, metal-edged playing cards^Ch23
• Reacts to a revolver round, moving his erection an instant before it was blasted off^Ch53
  • This comes with the caveat that Ryo already knew Umibozu was watching him to make sure he didn't act up, and he realized his mistake before the shot was fired^Ch53
• Catches a thrown knife with his teeth^Ch90
• Seemingly deflect trap arrows while sprinting down a booby trapped hallway^Ch93
• Chops two trap spears that were launched at him to the ground^Ch154
• Shoots through a knife after it was thrown at him^Ch162
• Narrowly reacts to darts fired from a mechanism on Mick's wrist^Ch188

Other

• Protects himself with a table before a grenade can explode in his face^Ch112
• After triggering a car bomb it's revealed that he managed to avoid it^Ch167

Combat/Attacking

• When a drugged up opponent attacks him from behind, Ryo draws his gun and shoots him to the ground and, by the time he staggered to his feet, had already moved behind him to strangle him^Ch4
• Leaps high into the air, moving fast enough to seemingly vanish to his attackers^Ch8
• Repeatedly stabs the space between his fingers at high speeds without cutting himself^Ch10
• Moves faster than a soldier can track, appearing behind her after dodging her punch^Ch20
• Even while his opponent has a gun trained on him, Ryo throws a bra over his eyes and scampers into the ceiling before he can recover^Ch21
  • This man could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch20
• Flicks a series of pachinko balls at some thugs at high speeds^Ch46
• Steals Reika's bra off her person before she can realize what happened^Ch59
• Beats up a group of Yakuza in a few seconds^Ch72
• When a disguised police detective has a gun trained on him, Ryo grabs and throws a scalpel into his hand before he can pull the trigger^Ch103

Quickdraw/Shooting

• Has multiple examples of shooting opponents who were already aiming at him
  • High ranking mob member^Ch6
  • Foreign prince that could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch21/20
  • Professional killer^Ch119
  • A well trained soldier^Ch190
• Quickdraws a shotgun to destroy his attacker's whip mid-swing^Ch9
• Using a mounted machine gun, he takes out a squad of terrorists before any of them could fire a single shot back^Ch19
• Beats his opponent in a quickdraw even after giving him a head start (this opponent also claimed to be more skilled than ordinary soldiers)^Ch19
• Quickdraws and fires before a Yakuza hitman had even grabbed his weapon, moving so fast that the hitman didn't believe him to be human^Ch23
• Notices a series of scalpels falling from the sky and shoots them out of the air before they can hit his client^Ch38
• Uses his gun to disarm six thugs in a split second before any of them could pull their triggers despite having their guns trained on him and then immediately does it again^Ch76
• Beats a hitman in a quickdraw, disarming him and destroying his belt to drop his pants before he realized what happened^Ch90
• Defeats Koumori, not just in a quickdraw but actually managing to hit him in the face with his gun before the other man pulled his trigger (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• While Umibozu had his gun trained on him, Ryo managed to pull his gun and fire in the same time it took Umibozu to only pull his trigger^Ch149
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
• Shoots multiple hidden explosives in an instant^Ch159

Agility/Mobility

Acrobatics

• Vaults over a countertop and tackles a cashier to the ground to avoid a torrent of gunfire^Ch30
• Flips out of the way of an incoming truck from a seated position^Ch74
• Performs several back handsprings to distance himself from an explosion^Ch154

Jumping

• Leaps from a stage and gets tangled in the lights^Ch68
• Repeatedly jumping across a street while traversing rooftops without any sleep the night before^Ch94
• [NSFW] After falling from a rooftop, he leaps back up to retaliate against his opponent^Ch95
• Leaps up to a second story platform where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Climbing

• Rapidly scales the side of a building^Ch94
• Performs pullups by sticking his fingers into holes in the ceiling^Ch102
• Clings to the side of a window^Ch102
• Climbs down a wall like Spider-Man^Ch109
  • He has done this on several occasions^Ch173
• Scales the outside of his building during a gunfight^Ch175

Hanging

• Dangles from a rope by his feet like a spider^Ch68
• Clings to a windowsill by his toes^Ch98

Propping/Wedging

• Props himself in the top corner of a room^Ch65
• Wedges himself between two ceiling rafters^Ch82
• Hides from Kaori by going into an alley and propping himself high between two buildings^Ch102
• [NSFW] Props himself between the wall and ceiling of a shower at an impossible angle^Ch161

Other

• Drops onto a moving car from a tree branch, maintaining his balance with apparent ease even when the car crashes into a light pole^Ch16
• Uses a rope to swing onto a stage and save an idol from a rabid mob^Ch24
• Runs along walls while avoiding booby traps^Ch93
• Saves a man from a collapsing floor^Ch114

Durability

Blunt

• Kaori embeds him into the ground and then smashes his head through the side of a building^Ch52
• Gets sent flying through a door and embedded in a wall^Ch68
• Kaori hits him hard enough to make a crater bigger than he is^Ch78
• Kaori smashes an entire bed over his head, partially sending him through his apartment's floor^Ch79
• Kaori knocks him through the wall of a bathhouse and he isn't bothered at all^Ch85
• Umibozu slams him into a wall hard enough to crater it and he immediately recovered^Ch87
• Takes blows from Umibozu on multiple different ocassions, with Umibozu being strong enough to crush the top of a car and and split a wooden table in half with his strikes^{Ch147/90/55/146}
• Immediately gets up after Kaori smashes him into the pavement^Ch104
• Umibozu rips a lamp post from the ground and throws it at Ryo's face hard enough to bend it^Ch146
• Kaori knocks him through a stone wall^Ch151
• Kaori craters him into the roof of their building^Ch175

Piercing

• Getting swarmed by piranhas and has no visible damage after^Ch112
• Gets slammed by a giant spiked ball trap with no visible puncture wound afterwards^Ch151

Explosive

• Gets caught in a trap where multiple grenades and dynamite packs explode on top of him, blasting a hole in the side of his apartment building^Ch87
  • Here is the destruction from that blast from several other angles^Ch88
• Is hit with a pointblank explosion that destroys a wall in his appartment^Ch102
• Repeatedly shoots through a plane from the inside, causing it to blowup so he can escape^Ch119

Falling

• Jumps from his apartment and crashes onto a car below, heavily denting the top of it without injury^Ch32
  • We see in a later chapter that Ryo lives on the fifth floor^Ch67
• Gets dropped from the fourth floor of a hospital, crashing into the pavement and forming a fairly large crater^Ch38
• [NSFW] Falls from a rooftop and craters into the street^Ch93

Electrical

• Kaori electrocutes him twice with a defibrillator and he immediately gets up (though the third time causes his heart to stop)^Ch47
  • Afterwards he was revealed to have been temporarily crippled by the attacks^Ch47
• A door trap electrocutes him and soon after the same thing happens when he touches barred windows^Ch53

Endurance/Survivability

• Saeko kicks him in the face with heels, puncturing his forehead^Ch19
• Has sex with forty women over the course of two weeks, leaving him visibly drained but still able to continue^Ch21
• Capable of fighting effectively even with a broken leg^Ch38
• Gets flattened and pops back into shape^Ch69
• Kaori hits him with a spikey metal ball and a spike goes straight through his head^Ch97
• Drank extensively for two days straight without sleep and was still able to operate at normal efficiency^Ch159

Other

• Gets trampled by a crowd of rabid idol fans that had previously burst through several walls^Ch24
• Gets crushed under a large weight^Ch67
• His Super Mokkori pushes him up against concrete with enough force to crack it^Ch86
• Is standing on the roof of a several story tall abandoned building when Kaori accidentally triggers the explosives she'd filled it with, causing the building to collapse and he survives^Ch175
• Pray for his recovery...^Ch185
  • Oh god not again...^Ch185
• After getting injected with a tranquilizer, he was able to defend a surgeon immediately after, claiming a Yakuza's animosity negated the tranquilizer's effects^Ch186

Cock

Yes, you read that right. Ryo's penis, his erection, his boner, his mokkori. It's frankly capable of some pretty incredible things and seems to have stats that are completely independent of Ryo's other physical abilities. So much so that it's probably best to have an entire section of the thread dedicated to it. I'm not sorry.
Physicals
Strength/Growing Power

• Bursts through bullet proof glass^Ch21
• [NSFW] Supports a 100kg weight^Ch28
• After getting placed in a steel chastity belt, Ryo eventually gets a boner so strong that it breaks through^Ch32
  • Though this does leave him in a... rough state^Ch32
• Bursts straight through a wall (though he was unable to free himself afterwards)^Ch40
• Traps Ryo's head between it and the roof of a car like a vice^Ch46
• Knocks a door off its hinges^Ch73
• Pushes against a store's wooden support beams with enough force to crack concrete and eventually destroy several of the wooden beams^Ch86

Speed

• Moves to avoid a bullet from a revolver when is was an inch away from hitting him^Ch53

Durability

• [NSFW] Is electrocuted when it touches a mannequin that had been attached to an electrical outlet, and after the initial shock Ryo recovered mostly fine^Ch24
• Withstands getting smashed through a wall twice^Ch45
• Caves in Ryo's face when his head is slammed into it by Kaori, implying its durability is higher than that of Ryo himself^Ch48
• A rapist breaks his ankle trying to kick it^Ch48
• [NSFW][Anti-Feat] Gets trapped in the door of a train^Ch104
  • This was revealed to have seriously injured him^Ch104

Abilities
Detecting Women

• His boner let him detect that his assailant was a pretty woman even when he couldn't see them in the dark^Ch12
• Ryo acts up after accidentally walking in on his client who had disguised herself as a man, despite not actually seeing through the disguise himself^Ch77
• [NSFW] Acts as a "beauty detector" to lead him towards beautiful women, but it has been fooled by dirty magazines before^Ch104

Other

• Even if you don't use your eyes Ryo is canonically packing heat^Ch38
• I just... I... uhhh...^Ch45
• Can repeatedly retract it at will and at a moment's notice^Ch45
• [Anti-Feat] Seeing a princess in a leotard did nothing for him, with Ryo describing it as if she has an aura that blocks his horny power^Ch65
  • He later describes this aura as "the repulsion of a girl who didn't know what love was", which disappeared when the princess began to fall for him^Ch65
  • The princess' handler later describes it a "noble aura" that not even Ryo can break through^Ch65

Intelligence

General Knowledge
World Knowledge

• Claims to have every criminal case from the last ten years memorized^Ch10
• Does heavy background checks and memorizes information on women people he's working with^Ch60
• When a woman describes how her sister was shot during a fight between Yakuza, Ryo was already familiar with the situation^Ch102

Weapon/Chemical Knowledge

• Recognized the scent of chloroform in a room despite it being ventilated from it's earlier use^Ch41/40
• Disarms a car bomb^Ch51
• Immediately recognizes an old scar as a bullet wound^Ch102
• Disarms a bomb^Ch119
• When a fire alarm is set off, he quickly recognizes that the smoke is closer to that of a smoke bomb than an ordinary fire^Ch136

Deduction

• Recognizes that his assailant was using old guerilla warfare tactics and that he was about to be driven directly into a minefield^Ch12
• Determines that a room must have a secret passageway based on the kidnapper's rush^Ch41
• Figures out that a man was actually poisoned rather than dying of sickness just by looking at his picture^Ch92

Other

• Disables a mansion's alarms^Ch95
• Determines a woman's measurements with a glance^Ch104
• Tricks his client's uncle into revealing his true motivation for stopping her business^Ch109
• Managed to steal classified information from a police detective's computer using unknown means^Ch118
• Seemingly capable of basic lockpicking (though he may have just kicked the door down)^Ch132

Planning

• Lures a serial killer into attacking him in his room, only for it to be revealed that he had placed a mannequin under his covers while he was hiding under the bed itself, which also allowed his ally to get a glimpse of the mystery killer's face^Ch2
• When a mob boss believed he had led him into a trap, its revealed that Ryo had planned for it, stuffing his car's tailpipe with nails to shred through the enemy force and stealing an armored truck full of drug money^Ch6
• Came up with a plan to fake a man's death by literally shooting him, wounding him to the point where he could still escape before his body was supposedly destroyed in a car explosion^Ch10
  • While the escape route was partially ruined by Ryo's assistants, he managed to stall the man they were trying to fool long enough for the plan to be successful anyway^Ch10
• Impersonates a sergeant so that he can slip a sleeping agent into her entire squad's dinner, then proceeds to impersonate the man their squad was working for and order that they quickly eat their dinner, which leads to every guard being knocked out so that Ryo could engage with the boss unimpeded^Ch20
• Intentionally chose his apartment because there is only one location someone could potentially snipe him from that was over a kilometer away, which allowed him to predict where a Yakuza sniper would set up^Ch60
• After the head of the police narcotics division admits to various crimes to a woman who he is about to eliminate, Ryo announces that it was all captured on a secret microphone he hid in the room^Ch61
• Knowing that his old partner was trying to kill him he used a mirror to trick her so that he could appear behind her^Ch113
• After briefly handling a thug's gun he's revealed to have placed a bug on it so that he will track down the woman Ryo was looking for for him^Ch121

Quick Thinking

• When a man takes a girl hostage in front of a large crowd, Ryo shoots through his own hand to slow the bullet down so that it takes out the assailant but doesn't break the glass behind him^Ch2
  • It's later confirmed that he made sure to avoid the bones in his hand, making this an accuracy feat as well^Ch2
• Uses the sparks from a bullet to briefly illuminate a pitch black room so that he could see his target^Ch3
• After noticing that he was surrounded by a group of Yakuza, he goads a massive man into attacking them so he and his client can make a quick getaway^Ch23
• In order to accomplish his mission of causing a truck to crash without revealing his identity as the City Hunter, he pretends to assault the woman he was with so that she would push him away, sending him tumbling towards the truck so he could clandestinely shoot its tires^Ch74

Mental Fortitude/Pain Resistance

• Doesn't react to the pain of shooting through his own hand^Ch2
• Resists the urge to emote after getting shot twice in the ass with arrows^Ch25
• Breaks his own leg to get himself admitted into a hospital^Ch38
  • Doesn't react after using that same broken leg to foil a hitman which was later said to have broken his leg even further^Ch38
• Bluffs that he swapped an assassin's hidden gun camera with an ordinary one, being so convincing that the assassin both surrendered and wet himself in fear^Ch51
• Was able to deny his urges when a sexy lady was flirting with him in order to keep up the appearance that he was engaged to his client so that her suitors would leave her alone^Ch106
• Doesn't hesitate when a bullet grazes his cheek, continuing his fight^Ch175

Gear

Firearms

• Colt .357 Magnum^Ch2
  • Has a second magnum he keeps in an ankle holster for if the first one runs out of ammo^Ch6
  • Comes with a scope for longer distance shots and a silencer which was effective enough that he didn't draw attention after firing in the middle of a crowd of people^Ch28/10
  • While it theoretically only holds six bullets he has fired more than that either without reloading or by seamlessly reloading between shots^Ch28
  • Strong enough to fire straight through a plane's exterior (also another example of firing more than six shots in rapid succession)^Ch119
  • Was modified by a legendary gunsmith to be more accurate^Ch124
  • Shots partially destroy various gravestones^Ch147
  • Fires straight through a stone wall into the opposite wall^Ch175
• .44 Magnum^Ch19
• .41 Magnum (he considers this to be a "one of a thousand" gun with far greater accuracy than other firearms)^Ch19
• M36 Revolver^Ch7
• M686 Revolver^Ch90
• Rifle^Ch1
• Pump-Action Shotgun^Ch6
• Machine Gun^Ch26
• Submachine Gun^Ch114
• Sniper rifle^Ch27

Ammo

• Full metal jacket bullets for his Colt Python that ricochet off of solid surfaces and produce sparks when they do^Ch3
• A golden .500 Nitro Express that Ryo claimed can move a 2 ton object a whole foot when fired from over 100 meters away, which when fired into a target's ear sticks to the inside of their skull without piercing through^Ch1
• A .30 M1 Carbine Jacket that fires and spins slowly enough that it can shoot through a man's stomach without damaging any internal organs, resulting in a wound rather than a fatal shot^Ch10
• Rubber bullets^Ch28

Other Long Ranged Weapons

• Bazooka^Ch37
  • Blasts large craters in the street^Ch37
  • Kaori later used one to blast sizeable holes in concrete^Ch114
• Twin RPGs^Ch191
• Crossbow with short arrows, making them impossible to pull out^Ch2
• Various throwing knives lining his inner coat^Ch11
• Pachinko balls which he can flick with pinpoint accuracy^Ch102

Melee Weapons

• Garrote wire^Ch4
• Hidden ankle blades^Ch5
• A glove with a metal attachment that gives a secondary blow to whoever he punches^Ch6
• Brass knuckles^Ch25
• A hidden knife in his belt buckle^Ch142

Explosives

• Nitroglycerine, which Ryo claims an entire spilled bottle would blow a pair of kidnappers to smitherines^Ch16
• Remote explosives which he uses to destroy a lab^Ch37
• Dynamite that when used repeatedly eventually resulted in a yakuza clan's headquarters to be completely leveled (the headquarters was a fairly tall building)^Ch84
• His partner Kaori has shown to pack grenades which she would've gotten from his armory^Ch168
  • This is true for flash bangs as well^Ch172

Espionage/Tracking/Surveillance

• Small microphones to bug targets^Ch6
• Police radio^Ch6
• Homing transmitter^Ch42
  • Ryo has dozens of them attached to people of interest around the city, all of which he can track using a device in his car^Ch80
  • Their signals are fairly weak, having a range of only one kilometer^Ch80
• Gear that allows him to listen in on Umibozu's phone call^Ch174

Chemicals

• A ring laced with fast acting poison^Ch5
• A fast acting sleeping pill which he stores in his tooth^Ch20
  • Says that someone he used it on would sleep "at least till tomorrow" (the time of day he used it is unclear but it would presumably be at least 12 hours)^Ch113
• His secret weapon PATCH-WORK PATTERN PANTALOONS (a pair of boxer briefs that are filled with packets of various chemicals, including anesthetics, truth serum, and sleeping agents)^Ch20
• Instant acting sleeping powder^Ch64

Other

• Bullet proof vest (along with fake blood packs to be extra convincing)^Ch6
• Ear plugs^Ch109
• Lighter^Ch142
• The inner lining of his coat is lined with a special chemical that, when burned, causes a massive cloud of tear gas to emit from it and the outer coat is packed with plastic explosives and a detonator^Ch142
  • He also keeps various hidden weapons in the lining of his coat, such as a dismantled revolver, a miniature time bomb that he uses to blow up a criminal organization's ammo depot, and most importantly condoms^Ch141/142

This Thread is Continued in the Comments Below

I’m interested in giving the phlster enigma a try (like the idea of the holster not being dependent on my pants belt so if I go to the bathroom it’s not around my ankles etc) but having some trouble finding a compatible holster.
Specifically I’m looking for one that goes with the enigma for my cz p-10s or my cz p-10c (the p10c has a streamlight tlr7a and holosun optic).
I thought I was set when I found legacy firearms co would make ones for those guns and options for specific use with the engigma, but when I look at reviews of the company overall it doesn’t sound good.
Does anyone have any holster recommendations? Or know if the bad reviews are just a vocal minority and the products are normally good?
Any help is appreciated!

I’m interested in giving the phlster enigma a try (like the idea of the holster not being dependent on my pants belt so if I go to the bathroom it’s not around my ankles etc) but having some trouble finding a compatible holster.
Specifically I’m looking for one that goes with the enigma for my cz p-10s or my cz p-10c (the p10c has a streamlight tlr7a and holosun optic).
I thought I was set when I found legacy firearms co would make ones for those guns and options for specific use with the engigma, but when I look at reviews of the company overall it doesn’t sound good.
Does anyone have any holster recommendations? Or know if the bad reviews are just a vocal minority and the products are normally good?
Any help is appreciated!

Part 1
Gary Johnson, Grumpy Old Dude With a Gun
The Divine Crisis Management Group Headquarters, Baltimore, MD
Gary put his hand on the plate and waited for the scanner to read his palm print and the magic to check his aura. It took a a second to produce the chime and for the lights to turn green. He grabbed the door handle, the latch depressing easily, and stepped into the holding center.
"Director Johnson," the guard at the duty desk greeted him. The one posted up in the alcove where all the clairvoyant eyes conveyed their vision ignored him, caught up in his duties. His eyes remained shut as his brain processed the input from two dozen eyes, no two looking in the same direction. His grip on his weapon was relaxed and casual, which spoke to the current state of the lockup.
"Hey," Gary said. He walked over, pulling his EDC gun out of the holster and plopping it on the desk, then bending to retrieve his backup from one boot. The backup was a .22 magnum revolver that only carried four rounds. It was dwarfed by the custom 1911 next to it.
"Which prisoner?" the guard asked as he took both guns and secured them in a lockbox behind his desk.
"General tour," Gary said. "I'll prolly talk to several of 'em. Did the paperwork on that ghoul come in?"
"It did. We were going to give him until after lunch to process him out. He said he was looking forwards to the meatloaf."
"Ain't eager to be set free?" Gary asked, quirking an eyebrow. The guard shrugged.
"He's a pretty Zen guy. Seems just as happy in his cell as anywhere, really. We brought him a bunch of books, and he's kept his nose buried in them."
Gary nodded. "Well, jes' remember we done 'im wrong when we locked him up. Be courteous, an iffen he needs anything from us, you got my approval to make it happen."
"Yes, sir," the guard said, then immediately raised a hand as Gary opened his mouth to protest.
"Apologies, Director. You do indeed, work for a living."
"Damn straight," Gary said. He patted the desktop in a farewell and headed into the cellblock.
First thing's first, he thought as he approached the second cell with a guard outside it.
"Going in, Director Johnson?" the guard asked. Gary nodded. "Ayup."
The guard placed his palm on a plate next to the door, said "Unlock," quietly, and then stepped aside as the door clicked.
Duke, or Dylan, if Gary was feeling more charitable than usual, looked up, his eyes dark and gloomy through the limp strands of black hair that hung in front.
"What," he demanded.
"What you gon' do iffen I have these boys cut you loose right now?"
Duke glared at him for a long moment. When he answered, his voice was quiet, if no less hard.
"I'm going to find my daughter and wife."
"That's why yer still here, cupcake," Gary said.
"Call me cupcake again," Duke replied, rising to his feet. He was an inch or two taller. Gary sized him up, figured the reach advantage would be about a half inch. Muscle-mass-wise, Gary had a definite edge. And Gary was far stronger even than he looked. He wouldn't break a sweat.
"Cupcake," Gary said. Then added "Snowflake. Drama queen."
"Of course, the fag calls me a queen," Duke said with a roll of his eyes. Gary grinned.
"Ya know what they say. Treat a whore like a queen, treat a queen like a whore." Gary put a grin on his face. The same grin he wore when he loaded a new magazine in his gun and prepared to end a tiresome fight, once and for all.
"Wanna be my whore?" he asked.
Duke flinched and looked away.
"That's what I thought," Gary said.
"So what do you want?"
"T'ask you what you'd do iffen we let you go," Gary said mildly. "And you gave me the wrong answer, son."
"The fuck kind of answer did you expect?!" Duke snapped. "Maybe it blows your simple fucking mind to think that I actually might care about someone other than myself, but that doesn't make it any less true."
Gary grunted a laugh. "Right," he said. He turned and knocked on the door behind him. A second later, it clicked and swung open, the guard outside peering in, one hand on his taser.
Gary heard the door slam shut behind him as he moved to the next guarded cell. Inside, he found the vampire Jerry had -unfortunately- trusted. She was laying on the bunk, hands behind her head, staring at the ceiling. She had her knees bent, with one leg thrown over the other and bouncing idly.
"Beatrice Armstrong," Gary said. He plopped his butt down on the only chair in the room, a simple platform bolted to the wall. Beatrice eyed him for a second, then turned her eyes back to the ceiling.
"I brought ya something," Gary said. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit play on the video, angling the screen towards her.
"Jerry went and parlayed with yer Dark Lord," he said, twisting the title into a mocking tone. "This were th'result. That false color added in is magical detection." He pointed at the screen where Jerry glowed with a bright red, almost pink light.
"That hue indicates full divinities. Guess which ones," he said with a wink and a smirk. "Here's a hint."
He pointed to the figure on the cross.
Beatrice stared at the phone, her face expressionless, but her whole body entirely still. The leg that had been bouncing was completely still. Gary sat there, letting the video play, letting her see her god writhe in agony upon the cross for a moment. Then he turned his phone around and pulled up another clip.
This was one Julie had sent him a few months ago. Before this whole business with the vampires had begun. He'd sent her a text asking if she was in the office, and she had responded by sending him a video of herself, Liam and Suzanne having a picnic. He'd thought of this because, when he first watched it, he had thought she looked somewhat relieved. As if she'd just come through a hard time. Beatrice didn't need to know when the clip was taken.
"Here's Miss Allard," he said. "Yesterday. Bringing a knife into a nest full o'wizards is kinna dumb move, y'ask me. Expecting t'accomplish anything with it? Twice as dumb."
He let Beatrice watch Suzanne feeding Julie a strawberry for a few seconds before turning it back off and tucking it into his pocket.
"Welp," he said, slapping his knees. "Ya got anything t'say fer yerself?"
Beatrice simply laid there, her eyes distant and unfocused. Gary gave her a few moments, then shrugged and stood.
"Awright," he drawled, laying his accent on pretty thick. "Guess we'll hear yer side at th'trial."
He banged on the door and left. Before it closed, he heard a sob and smiled to himself.
The walk back to the front guard station was quick.
"Did you get everything you needed, si-err, Director Johnson?" the guard asked as he returned Gary's weapons.
"Ayup," Gary said. "Fat lot o'good it did me, though."
----
Sookie, Sad
In the deepest pits of depression
Sookie lay in her bed, unmoving, as she had for the past forty-nine hours. Her stomach rumbled, but she ignored it. Her bladder screamed for release, but she ignored that, too.
Well, not ignored. She relished the sensation of hunger and the pain of holding in her urine. The figure sitting in the comfortable chair next to the bed provided no comfort, for she had reached out and stopped her every time Sookie tried to add to her own physical pain. Sookie never quite understood why people stopped her from hurting herself. The injuries could not last more than a few seconds. They didn't even leave behind scars. Only the hand of a mortal could injure her in a way that wouldn't heal almost instantly. Why couldn't they understand that putting pain in her body helped take the pain from her heart?
No, of course not. Nobody understood that but her. She didn't know who it was who sat in the chair. Erinne or Emily or Elena or Emma or Maryann. It was one of them, she knew. She'd gotten too close to them in the past few months for them to leave her alone now. She knew they were taking shifts, sitting with her. For three weeks, she'd seen a different face each time she finally lost her ability to take the pain and climbed out of bed long enough to choke down some crackers and relieve her bladder. A different hand had taken hers, each time she tried to dig claws in.
She was nearing the point where she couldn't take it anymore when something new happened. The door creaked open and the light switch was flicked on. Blinding light filled the room.
"Lights!" hissed a feminine voice. Erinne, Sookie thought.
"She needs the lights," boomed a deep, basso voice.
"What for?" Erinne -for it was definitely her- asked.
"To see what I'm doing to her," Yarm replied. Sookie finally turned to see him standing in the doorway. He was nude, his perfectly-muscled body shimmering under the thick body hair that he'd steadfastly refused to shave, despite Sookie's constant attempts to point out that hairless was sexier. In that moment, a tiny part of Sookie's brain finally clocked why he hadn't.
His erection was enormous. A club, almost a weapon, one suited to his origins. It was not fully erect, but hung between his legs, dragged down by its own weight. The part of Sookie's brain that could appreciate the vision of unchecked masculinity in front of her noted that she'd never felt that particular cock inside of her. She hadn't been fucked by a god since Ultriss, in fact. She wondered if it would feel different, lacking her own divinity now.
But that part was a small part. The larger part of her mind, the vast majority in fact, simply stared, uncaring, unmoved.
"You can watch if you like," Yarm said as he stepped forward and onto the bed, transitioning smoothly from walking on his feet to shuffling on his knees. "Or join us. I promise it'll be worth any embarrassment you may feel."
He seized Sookie's ankles and pulled her down to him, then leaned forward, resting on one hand. The other hand came up and stroked the side of her face with surprising gentleness. She felt him slip a finger right to the sensitive spot behind her ear that had always driven her wild and give it the faintest touch, tracing circles with the tip of his finger.
"I plan to go full Frodo on you," he rumbled, his voice deeper now, full of a throbbing hunger. She felt his cock brush her belly as it engorged further, stiffening up. She glanced down quickly, noting that his hips were still closer to her knees than her own hips, and yet the massive glans still touched the base of her breasts.
He leaned forward, his lips barely brushing her ear as he whispered the rest, his beard tickling her neck. Each sensation spread ripples of pleasure out as he spoke, his words triggering a buzzing chaos in her hips and belly.
"I'm gonna destroy your ring."
That tiny part of her brain whimpered and begged to be used.
The rest of her brain did not.
Yarm held himself like that for a moment, then sighed and straightened up.
"Why'd you stop?" Erinne gasped. Sookie could see her touching herself out of the corner of her eye. Yarm had no aura of lust exuding from him, it had been the mere sight and sound that had that effect on the girl. Not that Sookie blamed her one bit. She still marveled at how well-suited Yarm was to each of his divinities.
Yarm sighed again. "I won't take her without some sign of assent," he said. He fixed his eyes on Sookie.
"Should I?" he asked. She stared back for a moment, thinking. She'd never fucked Yarm before. She'd heard Kathy, Gary and Brekka tell the tale, though. She knew it was an intense, otherworldly experience. It was the exact sort of thing she had spent so many centuries seeking out. The sort of experience she would have gladly killed or sacrificed for. It was something she had begged for, only for Yarm to demure, each time, citing the incestuousness of the god of sex fucking the former goddess of sex and Sookie's own emotional instability as reasons why it would be a bad idea. It was, in a word, everything she'd wanted for a very long time.
She shook her head slightly, turning back onto her side and curling back up.
Yarm nodded and climbed off of her. By the time he got to his feet next to the bed, he wore a plain shirt and a pair of jeans.
"It was... Uh... Worth a shot," Erinne said, eyeing the god breathlessly. "Are you a... A... servant?"
"Avatar," he correctly gently. "And no, this is me. I was hoping this might give her at least a few moments of peace and happiness. It breaks my heart to see her like this."
He turned to regard her.
"I'm so sorry, love," he said. "You didn't deserve this."
Sookie ignored him. She simply lay there, thinking idly of what it might be like to die. She thought she had a soul, however. At this point, she was so human herself, she had to have one, right? So if she died, that would be no relief. Her soul would go on, and continue to ache for eternity. The same thing that would happen if she didn't die.
She didn't know what to do. So she did nothing.
Yarm sighed again. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rested a hand on Sookie's hip.
"I know how much this hurts," he said. "I can feel every ache inside of you. If there's anything I can do for you, you only have to ask. Anything at all."
Sookie didn't say anything. She simply lay there, until something suddenly relaxed inside of her and her hips grew slightly warmer. She couldn't be bothered to even look down at herself until the warmth faded and turned cold.
When she saw the soaked sheets and the puddle of urine, she began to cry.
----
Kathy Evenson, Professional
Somewhere in the Seventh World
"It were Thralsir, I know it," the reedy little man said. "I seen 'im with me own two eyes, I did. The yeller hair, the bright pink eyes, twere just like in all the paintings!"
Kathy glanced around the room. The place was a tavern, situated in one of the largest settlements on this continent, the Seventh World version of Australia. Almost two thousand people lived in a cluster of rough-hewn wooden shacks at the place where a major -by local standards, at least- trade route crossed a river.
Everything was simple, rough-made and functional. She could see traces of the civilization that had died out thousands of years ago by her world's count, but only a few hundred by this world's reckoning. A large, chrome car bumper had been fashioned into a shelf, and one of the men carried a shield that was obviously made of an old hubcap, reinforced with wood. About three dozen people filled the small, smokey room, all of them hunched over simple wooden cups full of mead or some stronger spirits, talking quietly to each other as a woman in what looked like a parody of Native American made a simple song by humming along to the pluckings of what looked like a shamisen in one corner.
She turned back to her companion at the table she'd claimed and refilled both of their cups from the larger jug of mead in front of her. She raised her cup in a salute which he mirrored and then drank.
He was thin, with whipcord muscles, dressed in a simple homespun shirt and pants made of woven leather strips. His boots were thick and padded, looking heavy at the end of his thin legs. His brown hair was mussed and his beard about three weeks old, she guessed. He had deep-set, smart eyes and the easy-going manners of someone who'd been living a hard life long enough to have learned to find the simple pleasures in it. The kind of man a younger person might not take seriously, as he didn't look as hard or mean as many others, but who knew enough tricks to compete with the best of them. That's why she'd allowed him to join her and start regaling her with tales.
When he'd gotten to the tale of a fleeing god, her ears had perked up.
"Thralsir," she mused. "What's his domain again?"
The man shrugged. "Play, methinks. Like rough play. Play fighting an' games with balls and the like."
"Sports," Kathy supplied, the word not changing into the local tongue as it left her lip. She wondered what it said about the locals that they had no word for sports. Then she wondered what Jerry would say about that.
"Sports," the man repeated. "Never heard o' it. Is that what it is?"
"Games where people compete physically to do something," Kathy explained. The man raised his cup again to acknowledge the answer and they both drank before he refilled them with the last of the mead in the jug.
'So which way was he going?" Kathy asked.
"Which way?" the man mused with a little laugh. "Planning t'chase down a god, were ye?"
Kathy threw her head back and laughed. "Not a chance," she said. "I just don't want to be heading in the direction of anything that can make one run away like that."
"Fair point, that," the man said. He hooked a thumb over his shoulder. "East, he were heading. Into the badlands. Not the kind o' place fer a lady such as yerself t'be following." He took a drink, eyeing her over his cup.
"Least not by herself," he added.
"You offering to be my bodyguard?" Kathy asked, favoring him with a mischievous smirk. He wasn't a bad-looking guy, she thought, though he surely needed a bath.
"Aye, if you'll pay me," he said. He drained his cup and set it down. "A sucker for a pretty face, I might be, but no fool am I. I'll take my pay in good, honest chits, and if ye felt the need to throw in any kind o' bonus fer me deft practice, well, that'd be an entirely separate matter."
Kathy laughed again. "I like you," she said, finishing her own cup. She turned, catching the bartender's eye and waved, pointing at the empty jug. The bartender flashed her a thumb's up and hurried to fill another jug from the cask. The local currency, called 'chits', was square pieces of galvanized steel, likely cut from old electrical boxes. The ruins she'd seen here seemed to have a lot in common with the nineteen forties or fifties on Earth, and she had spotted quite a few electrical boxes missing their covers.
Not all had been, however, and she had used a little laser cutting spell that Jerry had developed to turn a handful of covers into a wealth of chits for herself. Chits which she spent freely, having no use for them once she left this world. Consequentially, every businessman she'd met so far had been at her beck and call. The bartender swapped out the empty jug for the new one and scurried back, already paid up through the night, for food, drinks and a bed in a private room.
Before she could continued their conversation, a commotion from outside caught everyone's attention. The entire room froze. Kathy stood quickly and made her way to the door as her companion, whose name she could not recall at the moment, called after her.
"Miss! Miss! Don't go out there!"
Kathy ignored him, pushing open the saloon-style half doors and looking out onto the dirt streets. A few buildings down on her left, she saw a group of men surrounding a smaller figure in a long cloak with the cowl up and covering its head. The figure's back was oddly shaped, as if they had some sort of deformity that left them with a squared-off, blocky torso. The men were shouting angrily at the figure, too far away for her Babelfish to translate. She touched the engraving on it and willed itself to increase its range, until she caught a snippet of what they were saying.
"...pay the toll or pay the price! Simple as that!"
The smaller figure spoke. Something about her voice caught Kathy's ear.
"I'll pay you nothing, unless you show me a writ from whoever rules these parts."
"No man rules here," one of the other men snapped. "Freetown is run by the folks what live 'ere!"
"Then you've no way to secure such a writ," the woman said. She turned, deftly sidestepped the two in her way and began to walk away, towards Kathy. Kathy caught a flash of bright red hair under the hood as it caught the light of a torch mounted on a nearby building. Two of the men reached out and grabbed her, knocking down the hood and revealing a flash of metal around her neck. Kathy immediately clocked it as chain mail. Polished and glittering, no less. Not dirty and dull, as she would have expected.
The robed figure dipped one shoulder, spinning towards the other man as one lost his grip. A foot flew out from the robe, catching the man in the groin and pushing him back, stumbling.
Shouts of outrage and alarm rose from the rest of the men, who produced knives from their belts and rounded on the woman.
For her part, she reached up and unclasped her cloak, letting it fall to the ground. Underneath it was a lean woman with dark red hair, shoulder-length and controlled by two braids running down either side of her head. She was clad in a chain mail shirt and pants, over some thin padding. On her back, a heater shield was strapped, the face of it made of shining steel and engraved with the image of an open book. Above it, the handle of an ornate sword protruded. Based on the sword's hilt and the length of the blade, Kathy judged it to be a viking sword, not too dissimilar from the powerful artifact Jerry carried.
As she watched, the woman reached back and yanked the sword free. The shield shook for just a second, then leaped off her back and flipped around, attaching itself to her arm. Kathy felt a hand on her shoulder as her companion joined her on the narrow porch.
"Ye don't see that every day," he marveled.
"No you don't," Kathy said.
The woman turned her head slowly, eyeing the men arrayed before her. They seemed a bit more cautious, now that they could see she was armed. As she eyed them, Kathy caught a good look at her profile, and something about it struck her deeply.
She had never seen this woman before in her life. Of that, she was certain. So why did she look so damned familiar?
Part 3

“So thar I wuz, forcibly bent over a big old oak tree stump, face down, drawers around my ankles, about to be savagely violated by this swarthy old 14’ tall monster of a Sasquatch and his mangy appendage. I had a grimace on my face, and I wuz puckering up sumthang fierce. Then I remembered an old trick that I wuz able to execute that saved my old redneck ass, literally!”
“But before I gits to that part of the story, let me tell ya how I got inta this here predicament in the first place. Ya see, when you live by yourself fer years and years like Old Uncle Roy, you am liable to adopt habits that might be right peculiar to folks looking in from the outside. Ya might start talking to yerself, for example. Ya might start havin you sum intimate relations with yer critters. Me, I lace my morning coffee with a generous helping of cocaine! It fucking fuels me fer the rest of the day!”
“So thar I am, plowing me up my lil plot of land, gittin ready to plant my garden cuz the springtime is a’creepin up on us. I wuz higher than a kite. In fact, I did not even need my mule to plow. I went it alone! That’s how jacked I wuz!! In fact, I wuz so jacked I did not even notice I fergot to put on my clothes this morning! I wuz bare-assed nekkid, save fer my socks, boots, and hat! Like I dun sed, living by yerself fer a long time will do thangs to yer brain.”
“So I wuz bare-assed, but I didn’t know it. That is, I did not know it until I felt a sharp tug on my tallywacker. I looked down and seen this lil monkey creature. Now, ya got to understand that Old Roy looks like he’s got a python in his britches. I ain’t a’meaning to brag er nuthin’. It is jest the troof of the matter.”
“That lil monkey stood about 3’ tall. It had picked up my peter off the ground (apparently I had been dragging it around while numbed by the blow), threw it over its shoulder, and took off to drag it away. I guess maybe he though my Johnson was food, like a snake er something. I yelled at the monkey to drop my dang dong!!”
“Well, that thar critter dropped my wang and it fell onto the ground with a commanding THUD. I think I frightened the monkey more than anything, cuz it jumped at first then it got all angry and tried to grab my dick agin. ‘Oh no you don’t, you rascal!!’, I sed as I coiled up my fuck-stick. The lil monkey wuz really pissed now, a whoopin’ and a hollarin’ and sech. I got the impression it wuz FUSSING at me!”
I carry me a snake gun while outside. Ya got to be careful and on the lookout fer them Timber rattlers and Copperhaids. They make a good substitute fer sausage if you skin ‘em and fry ‘em up with high heat! I gots me a .357 magum Smith revolver loaded with .38 special rat shot stuck in a holster and tide to my plow. I whipped out my jammy, aimed it at the monkey, and blew the shit out of it! It wuz a cryin and floppin’ around on the ground!”
“I grabbed up my machete, walked over to the critter, and hacked off its head. It took several blows too. My machete wuz more dull than original content programming on Netflix! But eventually, I whacked it off!”
“Then I noticed sumthang. The nose, the cone head appearance ... this wuz NOT a monkey. This thang is a fucking Sasquatch! GODDAMN IT TO HELL!!! If’n it were jest a monkey then it wuz probably sumbody’s escaped pet. But Bigfoot is native to these here woods. They is also huge assholes!! Eventually the momma and poppa squatch is gonna come around lookin fer this little twat. That means trouble is a’brewin’!”
“I took the lil baby Bigfoot remains inta my cabin. I figured I’d filet that sumbitch and get me a nice tender loin on account of its young age. I had me sum plans fer the haid too. I wuz gonna strip all the meat off it and make me a bong outa its skull!”
“Well that thar young squatch filleted out right nice. I had it marinating in a concoction of soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and a little wine. A little later in the day I figured I’d fire up sum hickory in an empty 55 gallon drum and grill it up. I hadn’t got to the head yet when I decided to take me a little rest. So, I plopped that baby Sasquatch head down on my coffee table, then kicked back in my lazy boy recliner fer a spell.”
“Now I had already warmed me up a can of beans with a blow torch to eat on. So I wuz sitting thar in my old easy chair, eating me a bowl of beans, then I decided to turn on the boob tube. Now, as you know, I live way back up here in the deep mountain woods of North Carolina, so I ain’t got no TV reception up here. So I mainly jest watch my VHS tapes. On this particular afternoon I wuz in the mood fer watching a classic, so I stuck “Anal Virgins 6” in the videa player.”
“Now it weren’t too long before I felt a burning in my loins! AV6 always gets my juices a’flowing! Alls of a sudden I got me a brilliant stroke of genius. What if’n I wuz to stick my dick in that thar warm bowl of beans and kind of move it around a little? I reckoned it would feel just like a warm pussy! So I pulled out my old hawg leg and slid it in them beans.”
“Now fella, let me tell ya sumthang. Them thar beans were cool enough to eat, but that don’t necessarily mean that they is cool enough to stick yer old pecker into. Them fuckers scalded my cod sumthang fierce! The goddamn bowl hit the ceiling and I shot right up outa that chair! That damn hot bean juice wuz burning up my dick, so I made a mad dash to the kitchen sank, turned on the cold running water, grabbed my little sink hose and commenced to spraying down my nethers. I gotta tell ya, that hose-down felt DAMN GOOD!”
“Once I cooled off my man-tackle I went back to my movie. Man, that movie is smoking hot. I mean, I never lost my boner, not one bit. By this point I knew I had to do sumthang about it. And I knew jest what I wuz gonna do!”
“You know about them thar new-fangled sex robots? Well I got me one specially custom made. I had ‘em make her look jest like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, that smoking hot commie chick from New York City that went and got herself elected to Congress! That sumbitch sex bot cost me over seven grand!”
So I got old Alex out of the closet and bent her over my coffee table. I had already destroyed the pussy on it, so I had to make a rear entry. I slopped my old purple-headed love rocket up with peanut oil and then slammed it in her. Fortunately, my burns from the hot beans were minor, so there weren’t too much pain involved, at least not fer me!”
“That old Ocasio-Cortez doll, being a robot, kept talking about ‘new green deals” and raising taxes as I banged it, which kind of pissed me off. So, I jest banged her harder. She wouldn’t shut up about that shit. So, spying my empty bean bowl on the floor, I picked it up and used it to beat the shit outa that thang until it shut up. Then I resumed the anal pounding!”
“Now, what I did not know is that a great old big Sasquatch has snuck up and wuz spying on me through the window. In hindsight I think it may have been searching fer that young’un I kilt earlier. What’s more, based on what happened next I think it must have seen the severed Sasquatch head on the coffee table next to old Alex as I was a’bangin her.”
“The next thang I know is that this absolutely HUGE Bigfoot came crashing through my living room wall!! I backed out of Alex in shock. That beast picked up the Ocasio-Cortez doll and ripped it in half. Then it picked up the severed Sasquatch head and looked at it. I swear, I think I saw tears well up in that thar critter’s eyes. I wuz still in shock. I should have been going fer a gun. I would have if I knowed what wuz gonna happen next.”
“That big Sasquatch set the head back down on the table, then turned its evil gaze toward me, it growled at me, showing its teeth. Then it screamed at me in rage. By that point my brain is telling me to grab the closest gun. But I had no time. That goddamn Bigfoot wuz on top of me!”
“That fucker grabbed me by the throat and dragged me out of my cabin through the hole it made in the living room wall. It then dragged me out to a big old tree stump out near my cabin. It layed me down across the stump, on my belly. I wuz alread bare-assed cuz I was giving that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doll an anal thrashing. Though, my pants and drawers were still around my ankles. I knew what wuz going on by this point. That lil old Sasquatch I kilt earlier wuz kin to this big old beast. Seeing the head drove it into a rage. It decided to punish me by anal rape, to death. Death rape.”
So That is how I got myself inta this here predicament I told ya about at the beginning of this here story. But like I sed, I had a trick up my sleave! I could hear the beast breathing heavy. Though I did not look behind me, I suspect it wuz fluffing itself to get hard. It then started positioning itself fer entry. I knew the time to act had come. Otherwise, I wuz a gonna end up a hillbilly shish-Kabob impaled on a Bigfoot dick.”
“I grabbed the Zippo lighter in my shirt pocket, swiftly stuck it between legs and put it up to my asshole. ‘Please, let this thang light on the first try!’, I thought. I flicked it lit and then let out the biggest bean fart you ever did hear! The gas ignited. My ass became a flamethrower, spewing burning bean gas right back onto the Bigfoot! I spun around to find the Bigfoot’s cock and balls on fire!”
“That old squatch wuz a’jumping around slapping at its private parts. I had me an old axe leaning up agin a cedar tree jest a few feet away. As the Sasquatch wuz distracted, I grabbed that old axe. The beast wuz in the midst of a spaz attack, but I got close enough to bury that axe blade deep into its thick skull! That sumbitch went down like a sack of taters!!”
“Well, sir, I cut that fucker’s head clean off. Then I got my tractor and dragged the corpse off to my shed fer butchering. These big old fellers have sum tuff ass meat. You got to slow roast these thangs fer a couple days, but they will cook up jest fine!”
“So I grilled up that baby Sasquatch that night and served it with rice and a glass of Cabernet. Boys, that wuz sum good eatin!!! If you can get a hold of sum of that young Sasquatch meat, and do it up right, you won’t ever eat beef again!”

“So thar I wuz, forcibly bent over a big old oak tree stump, face down, drawers around my ankles, about to be savagely violated by this swarthy old 14’ tall monster of a Sasquatch and his mangy appendage. I had a grimace on my face, and I wuz puckering up sumthang fierce. Then I remembered an old trick that I wuz able to execute that saved my old redneck ass, literally!”
“But before I gits to that part of the story, let me tell ya how I got inta this here predicament in the first place. Ya see, when you live by yourself fer years and years like Old Uncle Roy, you am liable to adopt habits that might be right peculiar to folks looking in from the outside. Ya might start talking to yerself, for example. Ya might start havin you sum intimate relations with yer critters. Me, I lace my morning coffee with a generous helping of cocaine! It fucking fuels me fer the rest of the day!”
“So thar I am, plowing me up my lil plot of land, gittin ready to plant my garden cuz the springtime is a’creepin up on us. I wuz higher than a kite. In fact, I did not even need my mule to plow. I went it alone! That’s how jacked I wuz!! In fact, I wuz so jacked I did not even notice I fergot to put on my clothes this morning! I wuz bare-assed nekkid, save fer my socks, boots, and hat! Like I dun sed, living by yerself fer a long time will do thangs to yer brain.”
“So I wuz bare-assed, but I didn’t know it. That is, I did not know it until I felt a sharp tug on my tallywacker. I looked down and seen this lil monkey creature. Now, ya got to understand that Old Roy looks like he’s got a python in his britches. I ain’t a’meaning to brag er nuthin’. It is jest the troof of the matter.”
“That lil monkey stood about 3’ tall. It had picked up my peter off the ground (apparently I had been dragging it around while numbed by the blow), threw it over its shoulder, and took off to drag it away. I guess maybe he though my Johnson was food, like a snake er something. I yelled at the monkey to drop my dang dong!!”
“Well, that thar critter dropped my wang and it fell onto the ground with a commanding THUD. I think I frightened the monkey more than anything, cuz it jumped at first then it got all angry and tried to grab my dick agin. ‘Oh no you don’t, you rascal!!’, I sed as I coiled up my fuck-stick. The lil monkey wuz really pissed now, a whoopin’ and a hollarin’ and sech. I got the impression it wuz FUSSING at me!”
I carry me a snake gun while outside. Ya got to be careful and on the lookout fer them Timber rattlers and Copperhaids. They make a good substitute fer sausage if you skin ‘em and fry ‘em up with high heat! I gots me a .357 magum Smith revolver loaded with .38 special rat shot stuck in a holster and tide to my plow. I whipped out my jammy, aimed it at the monkey, and blew the shit out of it! It wuz a cryin and floppin’ around on the ground!”
“I grabbed up my machete, walked over to the critter, and hacked off its head. It took several blows too. My machete wuz more dull than original content programming on Netflix! But eventually, I whacked it off!”
“Then I noticed sumthang. The nose, the cone head appearance ... this wuz NOT a monkey. This thang is a fucking Sasquatch! GODDAMN IT TO HELL!!! If’n it were jest a monkey then it wuz probably sumbody’s escaped pet. But Bigfoot is native to these here woods. They is also huge assholes!! Eventually the momma and poppa squatch is gonna come around lookin fer this little twat. That means trouble is a’brewin’!”
“I took the lil baby Bigfoot remains inta my cabin. I figured I’d filet that sumbitch and get me a nice tender loin on account of its young age. I had me sum plans fer the haid too. I wuz gonna strip all the meat off it and make me a bong outa its skull!”
“Well that thar young squatch filleted out right nice. I had it marinating in a concoction of soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and a little wine. A little later in the day I figured I’d fire up sum hickory in an empty 55 gallon drum and grill it up. I hadn’t got to the head yet when I decided to take me a little rest. So, I plopped that baby Sasquatch head down on my coffee table, then kicked back in my lazy boy recliner fer a spell.”
“Now I had already warmed me up a can of beans with a blow torch to eat on. So I wuz sitting thar in my old easy chair, eating me a bowl of beans, then I decided to turn on the boob tube. Now, as you know, I live way back up here in the deep mountain woods of North Carolina, so I ain’t got no TV reception up here. So I mainly jest watch my VHS tapes. On this particular afternoon I wuz in the mood fer watching a classic, so I stuck “Anal Virgins 6” in the videa player.”
“Now it weren’t too long before I felt a burning in my loins! AV6 always gets my juices a’flowing! Alls of a sudden I got me a brilliant stroke of genius. What if’n I wuz to stick my dick in that thar warm bowl of beans and kind of move it around a little? I reckoned it would feel just like a warm pussy! So I pulled out my old hawg leg and slid it in them beans.”
“Now fella, let me tell ya sumthang. Them thar beans were cool enough to eat, but that don’t necessarily mean that they is cool enough to stick yer old pecker into. Them fuckers scalded my cod sumthang fierce! The goddamn bowl hit the ceiling and I shot right up outa that chair! That damn hot bean juice wuz burning up my dick, so I made a mad dash to the kitchen sank, turned on the cold running water, grabbed my little sink hose and commenced to spraying down my nethers. I gotta tell ya, that hose-down felt DAMN GOOD!”
“Once I cooled off my man-tackle I went back to my movie. Man, that movie is smoking hot. I mean, I never lost my boner, not one bit. By this point I knew I had to do sumthang about it. And I knew jest what I wuz gonna do!”
“You know about them thar new-fangled sex robots? Well I got me one specially custom made. I had ‘em make her look jest like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, that smoking hot commie chick from New York City that went and got herself elected to Congress! That sumbitch sex bot cost me over seven grand!”
So I got old Alex out of the closet and bent her over my coffee table. I had already destroyed the pussy on it, so I had to make a rear entry. I slopped my old purple-headed love rocket up with peanut oil and then slammed it in her. Fortunately, my burns from the hot beans were minor, so there weren’t too much pain involved, at least not fer me!”
“That old Ocasio-Cortez doll, being a robot, kept talking about ‘new green deals” and raising taxes as I banged it, which kind of pissed me off. So, I jest banged her harder. She wouldn’t shut up about that shit. So, spying my empty bean bowl on the floor, I picked it up and used it to beat the shit outa that thang until it shut up. Then I resumed the anal pounding!”
“Now, what I did not know is that a great old big Sasquatch has snuck up and wuz spying on me through the window. In hindsight I think it may have been searching fer that young’un I kilt earlier. What’s more, based on what happened next I think it must have seen the severed Sasquatch head on the coffee table next to old Alex as I was a’bangin her.”
“The next thang I know is that this absolutely HUGE Bigfoot came crashing through my living room wall!! I backed out of Alex in shock. That beast picked up the Ocasio-Cortez doll and ripped it in half. Then it picked up the severed Sasquatch head and looked at it. I swear, I think I saw tears well up in that thar critter’s eyes. I wuz still in shock. I should have been going fer a gun. I would have if I knowed what wuz gonna happen next.”
“That big Sasquatch set the head back down on the table, then turned its evil gaze toward me, it growled at me, showing its teeth. Then it screamed at me in rage. By that point my brain is telling me to grab the closest gun. But I had no time. That goddamn Bigfoot wuz on top of me!”
“That fucker grabbed me by the throat and dragged me out of my cabin through the hole it made in the living room wall. It then dragged me out to a big old tree stump out near my cabin. It layed me down across the stump, on my belly. I wuz alread bare-assed cuz I was giving that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doll an anal thrashing. Though, my pants and drawers were still around my ankles. I knew what wuz going on by this point. That lil old Sasquatch I kilt earlier wuz kin to this big old beast. Seeing the head drove it into a rage. It decided to punish me by anal rape, to death. Death rape.”
So That is how I got myself inta this here predicament I told ya about at the beginning of this here story. But like I sed, I had a trick up my sleave! I could hear the beast breathing heavy. Though I did not look behind me, I suspect it wuz fluffing itself to get hard. It then started positioning itself fer entry. I knew the time to act had come. Otherwise, I wuz a gonna end up a hillbilly shish-Kabob impaled on a Bigfoot dick.”
“I grabbed the Zippo lighter in my shirt pocket, swiftly stuck it between legs and put it up to my asshole. ‘Please, let this thang light on the first try!’, I thought. I flicked it lit and then let out the biggest bean fart you ever did hear! The gas ignited. My ass became a flamethrower, spewing burning bean gas right back onto the Bigfoot! I spun around to find the Bigfoot’s cock and balls on fire!”
“That old squatch wuz a’jumping around slapping at its private parts. I had me an old axe leaning up agin a cedar tree jest a few feet away. As the Sasquatch wuz distracted, I grabbed that old axe. The beast wuz in the midst of a spaz attack, but I got close enough to bury that axe blade deep into its thick skull! That sumbitch went down like a sack of taters!!”
“Well, sir, I cut that fucker’s head clean off. Then I got my tractor and dragged the corpse off to my shed fer butchering. These big old fellers have sum tuff ass meat. You got to slow roast these thangs fer a couple days, but they will cook up jest fine!”
“So I grilled up that baby Sasquatch that night and served it with rice and a glass of Cabernet. Boys, that wuz sum good eatin!!! If you can get a hold of sum of that young Sasquatch meat, and do it up right, you won’t ever eat beef again!”

Obizuth grinned like a corpse as hundreds of candles and oil lamps burned all throughout the mansion’s massive basement. I quickly flicked off my flashlight, not wanting to draw any attention to myself. Both Big George and Obizuth had been totally consumed by whatever foul black magic ritual they were performing and, thank God, hadn’t noticed me.
The black, twitching appendages ascending out of her scalp started to whip through the air as Big George pushed the dying boy’s body forwards. The boy’s legs buckled. He fell forwards, smacking his head against the concrete floor with a dull cracking sound.
The demonic female knelt forwards, the chains rattling and clanking together. The skull she wore around her neck grinned up at me as it swung in wide arcs. She reached forwards with an inhumanly long arm. I could see the white bones of her hands peeking out through deep sores eaten into her flesh.
The boy continued to choke on his own blood, gurgling as his breathing slowed. His final breaths started to come erratically. Obizuth flipped him over. His dilated, sightless eyes stared up into her obsidian ones as his heart furiously pumped his remaining life’s essence onto the cold, gray concrete below.
The strange spiked appendages growing out of her head reached down and stroked the boy’s corpse-white cheek lovingly. She grinned, showing off a mouth filled with needles. Thousands of them gleamed like metal. Her gray lips pulled back, revealing blackened gums.
“Oh, what a beautiful tribute,” she croaked in a voice that sounded like she had been gargling with razor blades. “So young and innocent. So sinless…” Her voice stretched out the last word, hissing like a snake. The boy’s final death gasp came after a long period of him not breathing. I heard a shuddering exhale, wet with the slick blood that bubbled from the deep slash across his neck.
As that hissing sound continued, the spider leg appendages twisting out of her head tightened around the boy’s face and body. Obizuth’s eyes seemed to glow with an inner light as the hissing grew louder and more insistent. It escalated into a deafening cacophony. I put my hands over my ears. I think I might have screamed, but I couldn’t hear anything above the demonic roar coming from this eldritch abomination.
The boy’s dilated pupils began to bubble with an interior white light. Like a stream overflowing its banks, I saw the light pulse and rise before falling into his eyes again. Obizuth’s demonic eyes streamed a dark purple effulgence that made everything in the room look like it was illuminated by a black light. Her appendages had begun to bite deeply into the dead boy’s skin, causing rivulets of blood to stream down from dozens of wounds.
Like a viper rising out of a basket, the light formed into a thread. Slowly, almost lazily, it rose towards Obizuth’s open, grinning mouth. She kept hissing as the boy’s consciousness or soul or whatever it was disappeared behind her mouthful of needles and into her enormous body. Then the demonic sound abruptly cut off. Her mouth snapped shut with a faint metallic clang.
“Your tribute is worthy,” Obizuth growled in a deep voice filled with pleasure and satisfaction. “Step forward and accept your ascension to divinity, Acolyte. You are now a master of the Left-Hand Path.” With an arrogant half-smile, Big George drew nearer the abomination. She wrapped her spider-like appendages around his face. The pointed ends caressed his cheek lightly. He didn’t flinch or draw away. Instead, he only continued to emanate his cryptic smile.
Then the pointed tips bit deeply into his skin. His mouth opened in a silent scream. I watched in horror as the appendages pulsed with peristalsis. They looked like intestines moving food. Big George’s body started to glow as some dark, fetid liquid gushed from the hollow ends of the demonic appendages into his flesh. Some of it flowed from his bleeding wounds, mixing with his bright red blood as it dripped onto the floor below.
His face lit up like a jack-o-lantern as his eyes shone with the same purplish light that Obizuth had emanated during the tribute ritual. I noticed with horror that the skull with the black dagger shoved through its crown had also started to glow, sending out cascades of blinding violet beams.
Something gripped my heart like a clenching fist. I felt a suffocating sense of rising panic and dread. I knew I needed to stop this Satanic ritual before completion. If Big George truly became immortal and had demons and countless enormous monsters at his disposal…
I shuddered at the very thought of what that could mean for my town, my state or even the world.
Without stopping to think about what I was doing, I reached for the pistol holstered around my waist. I had loaded it with real bullets, not the salt and iron ones Big George had given me. I didn’t know if that would turn out to be a wise decision or a fatal one.
With sweaty hands, I raised the gun, pointed at Big George and fired.
***
The next thing I remember, the room seemed to be exploding with light. Blinding white mixed with twisting violet as it strobed violently. I ran back up the stairs as a whooshing sound followed me and then a deafening, inhuman shriek.
“You killed him!” Obizuth screamed in a voice like thunder. “You worm, I’ll strip the meat from your bones.” The house shook. Xavier and Katrina ran towards me, their faces chalk-white and their mouths open. They screamed something, but I couldn’t hear it over the roaring of the demon below. Xavier had his gun out. I saw Katrina holding something in her hand, clenched tightly in her fist, but I didn’t know it was.
Finally, the roaring from below stopped. I heard with dread and horror what Xavier had screamed at me.
“We’re surrounded!” he said. “The doors are all blocked.” As if to emphasize his point, I heard a window smashing followed by a sound of splintering wood coming from both the front and back of the house. Heavy footsteps started to ascend the basement stairs. The boards of the stairs screamed with a shriek of tortured wood under the weight of the behemoth. My heart felt like it would explode in my chest. I had killed Big George before he could complete the final ritual apparently, but I still felt like I had gone from the frying pan into the fire.
Obizuth reached the top of the stairs. Her massive frame tried to squeeze through the threshold of the door like a trapdoor spider emerging from its tunnel. She gave a twisted, lunatic laugh.
“I’ll rip you limb from limb,” she screamed as she ripped one arm out of the door. The appendages writhing on the top of her head slid through behind her. We met eyes for a brief moment. She had eyes like a snake, slitted and predatory. The irises shone with a silvery gleam.
We had all started to run without needing to say anything. Xavier and Katrina tore through the kitchen and towards the elegant stairway in the front chamber. I followed close behind, the gun still clenched in my hand. I kept looking back, ready to shoot, but Obizuth was still pulling herself through the solid framework of the threshold. I heard boards snapping and walls shaking, and I figured we only had seconds to hide.
***
The mansion’s hallways loomed before us. We ran down a hall randomly, up a set of spiraling side steps to the third floor and looked for somewhere to barricade ourselves in and come up with a plan. I needed time to think. Big George was dead, so I certainly wasn’t getting any more information from him. I wondered why he had wanted us to bring a witch when her powers might be used against him and the horde of demons he had brought to this place. I would find the answer soon enough.
We found a room with old oak tables and chairs piled up on one wall. A giant oval window looked out onto the floating pyramid nearby. We quietly closed and locked the door before starting to stack tables and chairs in front of it, wedging one chair under the handle to try to add some support to the ersatz barricade.
***
We gathered close, all of us in a high state of excitement. I saw death flashing before my eyes. I looked out the window and saw more dark red abominations streaming out of the pyramid. It was the first moment of peace we had. Katrina quickly started speaking, vomiting out the words as fast as she could as if she feared attack at any moment.
“We need to stop the ritual as soon as possible,” she said. “He has opened a gateway to Naraka, but the door is still mostly closed. I have seen references to this ritual in an ancient medieval book on the black arts written by the Mad Arab. They say he sold his soul and wrote a ten-thousand page volume called ‘The Eldritch Tome’ in a single night with all of the foulest rites and rituals poured into it. I have never actually seen a copy of it, but I’ve seen it referenced in other books. Big George must have somehow gotten hold of it.
“The ritual to open the doorway to Naraka usually ends up with the blood of a witch being poured into the pit below the pyramid. Once the last of her blood gets drained from her body, then the door will be permanently opened, and demons will flood into this world at will.”
“What are we supposed to do?” Xavier asked. “We’re just three people, and only two of us even have guns.”
“I have some things that may be useful in my satchel, if we need to…” she started to say when a slamming boom shook the wall. I walked over to the window, not seeing anything nearby that could have made the noise. Then I looked straight down and saw it.
The creature had dangling clumps of rotted black hair over its face. It climbed up the wooden wall like a mountaineer, punching its skeletal claws into the wood over and over, each crater making a splintering crack echo through the room. Its face didn’t look up at us, which somehow made it even worse. The top of its head had split open with squirming larvae eating their way through its skin. It seemed to shiver with nervous energy, a pale, white abomination from an acid fiend’s worst nightmare rising up to meet us.
“Oh God,” Xavier said, stumbling back from the window. He looked like he was about to pass out.
“Listen to me!” Katrina whisper shouted. “We need to get to the basement and take the sacrificial dagger out of the skull. That is the nexus of power holding all of this together.” She shook her head. “Big George must have been working on something like this for many years. I can’t imagine the amount of people he would have had to kill to…”
A shattering cacophony interrupted her. Looking back towards the window, I saw the demonic figure hovering outside the window it had just broken. It tried to slither through, tearing chunks of its decaying flesh off on the sharp tips of broken glass.
Its hair, black and squirming with larvae, reached down to its waist and covered its face and chest. But as it pressed its bleeding body into the broken window, its hair pulled back from its face for a moment, and I saw a female visage straight from Hell.
She had garish dark stitches running across her face like intersecting railroad tracks. They held the wet, squirming flesh loosely to the dark red metallic bones gleaming underneath. She grinned, showing a mouthful of dark crimson needles the same color as the pyramid.
She pulled herself through the window like a tick burrowing into skin, ripping off pieces of pale, naked flesh on the jagged pieces of glass. Dark blood streamed from many wounds, but she didn’t seem to care in the slightest.
“Give… me… the witch…” she hissed, pulling herself up straight. She looked at us with eyes as empty as an abyss. “I… smell… her blood…” Katrina grabbed her chest, hyperventilating and gasping as a panicked, anxious expression overtook her features.
The demon’s head ratcheted as if she had gears in her neck, moving in a blur of movement before stopping to look at each of us in turn. Her grin spread across her face as her mouth fell open. Like a snake unhinging its jaw, I watched her mandible fall down below her neck. There was a rending sound as the stitched-up flesh across her cheeks tore from ear to ear. The thousands of sharp needles in that gaping, grinning maw glistened as she ran forward toward Katrina.
Xavier took the Weaver stance, raising his pistol and straightening his arms. With a booming crack like a shout from God, he fired over and over, first hitting the abomination’s right leg. Her kneecap exploded in a shower of bone fragments and rotten, gray flesh. Her leg collapsed underneath its weight, snapping with a sound like a ceramic pot shattering.
She continued to crawl forward without any sign of pain, leaving streaks of cold, clotted blood squirming with countless worms on the hardwood floor behind her as she went. She gnashed her needle-sharp teeth together, giving a metallic clattering as she advanced, her eyes still fixed on the witch with a supernatural intensity. She started to gnash her teeth so fast that I saw needles breaking off.
“Your blood…” she hissed again, spitting needles and dark blood. She swiped at Katrina’s leg with a clawed hand, wrapping it tight around her calf. Pieces of sharp bone poked out through the rotted tips of her fingers. With a squeal of pain, Katrina jumped back, but the hand held on.
I walked forward, pressing the barrel of the gun directly to the back of the abomination’s head. I stepped on her back, pushing her to the floor then emptied the entire clip into her skull.
Her head exploded in a splash of rotting gore. Sharp needles and fragments of red bone splattered back on me. Her throat gurgled in a dying explosion of breath, her claws still tightly wrapped around Katrina’s leg, the fingers curled up like a dead spider. Rivulets of blood streamed down Katrina’s leg.
“Oh God, she’s still got me,” Katrina shrieked, panic marring her face. She looked like she might pass out at any moment. She looked down at the mutilated nightmarish monstrosity still clutching her flesh and wavered on her feet. I ran over to help. Xavier circled around the other side, examining the hand. We tried prying the fingers open, but the hand held tightly shut like the fingers of a marble statue.
“Shit man,” he said, sweating heavily. He nervously tried prying off one finger at a time. With a sound like bones shattering, he finally worked one finger loose. After a few more seconds, he cracked another open and, finger by finger, eventually loosened the whole hand. The tips had been embedded deeply in the layers of fat and muscle of Katrina’s leg, but luckily they hadn’t gone deep enough to puncture any major blood vessels. They pulled out of her skin with a wet, sucking sound.
“We need to get out of here. Big George is dead. I can’t believe the whole time he was leading us here as sacrifices,” Xavier said.
“Especially me,” Katrina said, and as if the universe had a sense of humor, at that moment the windows went dark. I looked outside to see swarms of the flying monstrosities who had earlier emerged from the pyramid hovering right outside the window. Like a cross between a spider, a dragonfly and a scorpion, they pressed against the glass with their eerily human faces at us, their iridescent, insectile wings furiously beating and blocking out the light. With faces like those of hairless mutated children, they examined us, their heads all twisting eerily towards Katrina like predators smelling prey. Their mouths opened, revealing countless needle teeth that gnashed furiously.
Their large stingers flexed with enormous bulging muscles, the sharp balls ending in curving, needle-like points. I saw with some consternation that the tips of their stingers constantly emitted drops of ruby-red venom. Like drops of blood dripping down, the crimson poison ran down their hard red exoskeletons.
I had loaded some of the bullets Big George had given us into the pistol, deciding to see if they would work. If he had wanted us alive as extra tributes, then he might have given us an actually effective means of repelling these demons so that we could survive long enough to fulfill his evil plan.
I heard an angry, predatory roaring from the floor below us. It was the voice of Obizuth, a choked, predatory growl that made her sound as if she had been gargling with sulfuric acid. Her voice came out like a slowed-down recording, stretching out and vibrating the floor.
“The witch… give me the witch, you worthless vermin… I can smell her blood… it smells sweet… so close…”
Without warning, one of the creatures took advantage of the distraction and flew in through the window. Its head ratcheted towards Katrina, its body twitching with excitement. Then it wrapped its muscular tail around her, keeping the writhing, dripping stinger away from her skin. She screamed, beating her fists against its hard crimson shell. Before I could even raise the gun, it flitted back toward the window in a blur of motion.
“Oh shit!” Xavier screamed, running after Katrina. I felt frozen solid for an endless moment as the abomination jumped, Katrina’s face still looking backwards towards me with a pleading expression in her terror-stricken eyes. Its wings fluttered with a sound like helicopter blades slicing the air. In a graceful, curving arc, it flew through the room and escaped outside the shattered window with Katrina still wrapped tightly in its tail. Her panicked shrieks quickly faded into the distance.
“We can’t let it get away!” he continued yelling, his eyes as wide as dinner plates. I shook my head.
“You need to go to the basement and dismantle the skull holding this ritual together,” I said quickly. Another one of the freakish flying scorpions had begun to crawl through the window like some kind of demented vole emerging from its burrow. I shot at it with the salt-and-iron bullet. It gave a very human scream, its face and exoskeleton starting to melt as if it had been sprayed with a corrosive acid. It fell to the ground, seizing and kicking, rolling on its back with its sharp, spidery legs kicking out. Xavier reloaded, running over and blowing the top of its fleshy, hairless head apart with a few point-blank shots from his pistol.
“I can’t believe the salt-and-iron shit actually works somewhat,” Xavier said as more flying beasts smashed through windows. He reloaded and tried to keep them at bay. I ran to the barricade and began throwing chairs and tables aside.
“I’m going to try to get Katrina back before she gets sacrificed,” I said. “You need to get to the basement and take the dagger out of the skull and stop all of this. At any cost. We’re all counting on you.” He nodded grimly. I ran out into the hallway, turning left. Xavier ran out behind me and headed towards the servant’s stairs. I glanced back, wondering if I would ever see him alive again.
I fled towards the front door of the house and the massive stairway in the entrance chamber. I got as far as the end of the hallway and started turning when I ran into the first of the crawling abominations that swarmed all over the mansion.
It looked like a giant centipede with thousands of long bristles that formed skittering legs the color of pale straw. Waves of motion rippled through the legs, propelling the abomination forwards in a blur. It had a mouth like a leech, a sucking, slimy circular hole with hundreds of triangular teeth spiraling in towards the center. Its enormous, black compound eyes glistened with a colorful sheen. There was no recognizable emotion in those eyes, no glint of compassion or understanding or anything human. They looked as blank and empty as the eyes of a mannequin.
I had filled the pistol’s chamber with salt-and-iron bullets. With uncertainty in my heart as to how effective this would be, I raised the gun. The beast, nearly ten feet long and coming at me like a runaway train, gave a deep, throaty growl that vibrated the floor. As fast as I could, I pulled the trigger, emptying the entire chamber.
The first bullets hit it in the face. Its flesh immediately began to drip and melt like candle wax, its insectile eyes bursting apart in a stream of blue blood the color of antifreeze. And yet its legs continued to skitter towards me even as it gave a long, bubbling hiss. Its mouth continued to suck at the air as if it could already sense the tasty human blood that would flow into its alien mouth.
I tried to sideswipe it as its heavy body thudded to the ground and skidded across the hallway towards me. Even without eyes, its dying body seemed to sense my presence, perhaps feeling the vibrations or smelling me. Its body slid into an S-shape, its sucker coming straight for my chest. I was out of bullets and cringed back.
Inches away, it exhaled a long, shuddering breath and finally collapsed.
***
I sprinted through the opening, savoring the few moments of peace. I heard crashing and shattering coming from all around the house. There was a scream of tortured wood on the first floor, and I heard glass smashing. Something laughed like a hyena, an inhuman, high-pitched cackle that sent shivers down my spine. For a moment, I wondered who drew the short straw on this one- me or Xavier.
I reached the sprawling, elegant staircase, standing on the top. It was wide enough to drive two cars down it with room to spare. The front door stood, one door hanging off its hinges at a 45 degree angle, the other splayed out on the floor.
From the kitchen on the first floor, I heard rapid gunfire. Xavier screamed. He sounded like he was either laughing or crying, or maybe both.
“Come get it, fuckers!” he shrieked in a lunatic voice. “Come fucking get it! I’m not afraid to die!”
I ran out the door, the blinding sun staring down at me like a burning eye. As my vision adjusted, I looked over at the pyramid. Only a few hundred feet away now, but a few hundred feet had never seemed so far.
***
I sprinted across the garden, seeing strange, burrowing trails of piled dirt running in random curving lines under the earth. Something about that caused me to shiver. Creatures flew over the trees and mansion by the dozen, circling and howling with inhuman cries.
I heard Katrina’s terrified voice. Looking through the trees, I saw her, still held tightly in the flying abomination’s thick tail. Obizuth walked calmly along the dirt trail towards Katrina, giving her a motherly smile.
“Do not feel bad, girl,” Obizuth hissed in a serpentine voice. “Your blood will forever join Naraka and Earth together as one. You are the most important living person on this world right now. You will bring the ancient ones out, and we will take our rightful places as the rulers of these worthless masses of life.”
Ozibuth walked towards Katrina and the surrounding creatures. I saw a long sacrificial dagger held in her hand. The handle looked like it had been carved from bone. The finely-honed obsidian blade gleamed black in the ruby-red glow of the light emanating from under the pyramid.
“Please, don’t do this,” Katrina pleaded. “So many people will die.” Obizuth laughed, a sound like the tortured grinding of metal. Obizuth only grinned wider, raising the dagger and walking forward.
I sprinted towards them as silently as I could. I had put a new magazine in the pistol already, this time with real bullets. I fired at Obizuth’s arm holding the dagger.
The shot went wild, hitting a tree next to her head and causing splinters and smoke to rain down on Obizuth. Without surprise, she turned, the gray, dead flesh of her face stretching tight as her expression formed into a scowl.
“You will join her in eternal agony for that,” Obizuth shrieked as a torrent of creatures poured towards me. Something reached down from under the soil and grabbed my ankle. I looked down, seeing the clotted black hair of another one of those things that had attacked us in the mansion. Her hands were skeletal, the flesh worn down to the bone in most spots. They were smeared with blood and covered in dirt and grime.
I shot into the ground and felt the hand release me. But as I looked up, a massive tail wrapped around my body. I felt myself being lifted up. The flying scorpion creature jumped into the air with a shrill flutter of its wings. My stomach dropped as we rose a dozen stories and then fell back to the ground in a graceful arc. It brought me down in front of Obizuth’s pleased face.
I still had a few shots left. I raised the pistol and fired at the leader of this nightmare.
The first bullet shattered her ankle. She fell with a grunt, her lips pulling apart in a predatory growl, the chains wrapped around her body tinkling like wind chimes. I aimed the second shot at the creature holding Katrina. It burst through its face with a shower of blue blood.
As rapidly as I could, I turned the pistol to the one holding me and fired. It smashed into its back along the length of its spine. Its tail began twitching and seizing. I fell hard as it dropped me. I saw the vicious stinger swinging inches in front of my face. Crawling away, I knew I was a goner. I tried to reload as I crawled, but more cold hands reached up from the earth and grabbed me. The clip fell from my numb fingers.
I reached where Katrina lay on the ground, shocked and gasping. She had fallen hard when the beast released her and it had apparently knocked the wind out of her.
“I’m here,” I said, grabbing her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m here, Katrina. At least you won’t die alone. I’ll stay with you until the end.” She nodded, her face pale and sad.
I noticed the pyramid floated above a bottomless pit in the earth that slowly belched thin wisps of smoke. I looked down for a moment and saw a scene that will give me nightmares for as long as I live.
It was like looking down through a telescope into another world. Rocky cliffs dozens of stories high towered over flat, lifeless stone roads. Everything burned with a violent intensity. Blue flames shot out of the ground and black smoke rushed up into the air. The smell of scorched flesh and smoke was overwhelming.
Thousands of people rushed in different directions, burning and screaming. Their skin fell off in strips and their bodies blackened, but by the time they had taken the next step, they would be fully healed.
Countless creatures from a nightmare surrounded them, ripping into their flesh, grabbing them from the air and dragging them under the ground. Yet no matter how many disappeared or got taken away, more of these naked, emaciated people would come in to fill their place, sprinting for their lives in every possible direction yet finding no solace. I saw some people trampled underfoot, their crying, screaming faces pressed hard against the flaming ground as thousands of bare feet ran over them.
“It’s Hell,” I whispered, knowing the truth. “Naraka is Hell.” Katrina only nodded.
***
Obizuth rose to her feet, her shattered leg already healing. More of the creatures swarmed around her. Dozens of the women with the skull faces and clotted, black hair climbed out of the pit, their grinning skulls showing off their sharp needle teeth.
They grabbed at us with cold hands, the loose skin of their hands nearly falling off the bones. I cringed, my skin shivering. They pinned our arms behind our backs and pulled our heads back as Obizuth came over in a fury.
“You will die slowly,” she said. “I will skin you alive before I cut your throats. So much the better for the ritual. The pyramid feeds on agony. Know only that all the ones you know and love will follow you soon. Perhaps that will give you some solace.” She gave us a twisted grin, the needles in her mouth glistening.
Obizuth’s hand shot out like a snake grabbing a mouse. With a quick slice, she took off Katrina’s left pinky finger in the space of a moment. Katrina didn’t even cry out, simply looking down with a stunned expression. Bright red blood spurted from the wound.
Then Obizuth put the knife to Katrina’s chest, deciding to start the skinning.
In an adrenaline-fueled spike, Katrina ripped her right arm free. I saw she still had her hand clenched tightly. In a blur, she threw a shower of something at Obizuth’s face. Obizuth screamed, pulling back. The knife fell out of her skeletal hands. Her mouth opened inhumanly wide, her scream shrieking across the forest like a steam-whistle.
She looked up at us. I saw her face melting, pieces of the loose, gray skin sliding off to show the metallic, red bones underneath. But Katrina had used her one shot. Obizuth shook with outrage, one of her eyes dripping out of its sockets. I saw thick granules of salt, dull shreds of iron and sharp pieces of silver embedded in her skin.
Her other eye focused on Katrina with a cold fury.
“You will pay for that, witch,” she said, breathing hard. She started to come forwards again, looking even more nightmarish than before. But she was cut off by a deep, roaring sound that vibrated the earth under my feet.
Then the earth trembled as in an earthquake, sending the creatures falling over. Obizuth stayed on her feet, wavering like a sailor on a ship. Her eyes went wide. The creatures all around us began howling and shrieking in tones of fear and panic. They started rushing back towards into the pyramid or fleeing to the pit beneath it. The pyramid had started to descend with a deafening cacophony. As it lowered into the pit of fire and smoke and tortured souls, the hands released me.
“No…” Obizuth said, falling to her knees. She began to crawl towards the pyramid. She reached the edge and pulled herself over, tumbling down into the void below. With a jumble of inhumanly long, rotted legs and arms, she fell and was gone.
Within the space of a minute, we found ourselves alone. The earth continued to shake as the tip of the pyramid disappeared beneath the surface. The soil started to fill in the hole on its own, as if an imaginary hourglass had been overturned.
Soon, the spot where Hell had been unleashed looked like nothing more than a massive dirt square. We were alone.
“Are… are we dead?” I asked, hyperventilating and stuttering. “What is this?”
“No!” Katrina said enthusiastically. “No, someone must have stopped the ritual.” Her eyes widened. “Xavier.”
We sprinted towards the house. Panic and relief fought in my chest. What about Xavier? If he had stopped it, he must still be alive, right?
***
I found Xavier’s swollen, green body in the basement. A nightmarish, fifteen-foot long snake had wrapped around his torso and sunk its giant fangs into his leg. At his feet lay the skull, the jaw bone broken off and teeth scattered across the floor like litter on a sidewalk.
In his right hand, he still held the black ritual dagger tightly. Its blade had bit deeply through the snake’s eye and into its brain.
They had died together, hugging like two lovers who just carried out a suicide pact.
***
As I left his funeral later that month, I had the Grateful Dead blasting on my car. I listened to the lyrics with sadness. They reminded me of Xavier.
“Nine mile skid on a ten mile ride, Hot as a pistol but cool inside. Going where the wind don’t blow so strange, Maybe off on some high cold mountain chain. Lost one round but the price wasn’t anything. A knife in the back and more of the same.
“Like a steam locomotive, Rolling down the track, He’s gone, He’s gone, And nothing’s going to bring him back.”
I thought of his swollen body, the expression of purpose eternally frozen on his dying face.
And I knew that he was undoubtedly the best trainer a man could ever wish to have.