I've been reflecting on this thought today. I've been a fan of the guys since the Buzzfeed days. They have given me 10 years worth of laughs, smiles, and sometimes happy tears. Admittedly, I have watched the channel less over the past 18 months because the content hasn't caught my attention as much recently (there is so much media to consume, on YouTube alone, and it's normal for your interests to change as you age). But I've stayed engaging with their content because the TG have given so much to me: during the pandemic, I was especially isolated, and I'd put on their videos to listen to familiar voices to feel less alone.
I've watched hundreds (if not, thousands) of hours of their channel. For free.
All for free.
It's very peculiar to me that fans are complaining about paying $30-50 (PER YEAR in the US) to support the content, when this company has cultivated a community for almost 10 years.
I think the structure of YouTube has created some sense of expectation of----dare I say, entitlement to----quality content, without the viewer having to spend a dime. When you go to see a movie, you pay 10+ to see a single show. Heck, a cup of coffee nowadays is practically $5 per cup! I understand adding another subscription is a pain... but the suggestion that "$30 a year is ludicrous" is ludicrous itself.
The point I'm trying to make: if you truly have the means, spending the money on this subscription is the most important way you can support them in this transition. I for a fact believe that the company is worth $30 a year, at minimum. And I hope people are feeling the same way.

I have just found this subreddit after watching a character on “the boys” and I am so relieved there’s other people like me.
However just a warning, there will be discussion of shame/regret, brief mention of self-harm (historic and non descriptive) and very graphic descriptions about the lengths I have gone to, in order to fulfil my desire (for lack of a better word) - compulsion maybe, and addictive behaviours.
I pull from every area of my body except my scalp and armpits. I am deeply ashamed about this behaviour and I have tried just about everything, Vaseline, gloves, plasters, keeping myself occupied, sewing, pulling things out or other things etc. fidget toys, watching those videos - they only seem to make me more frustrated. I can’t shave because feeling the hairs grow back and get itchy make it so I go into my skin, I then pick my skin. Moving tweezers doesn’t help because I use my fingers. The only thing I can think of is wearing clothes to cover everything up all the time - ski mask included with the three holes.
Nothing soothes me unless I actually physically pull my hair out and analyse it, rolling it inbetween my fingers, observing for bulbs, thickness and texture. Before that I can spend a long time just running my hands all over my body finding every bump and imperfection and taking note, looking for ingrowns, thick, wiry, different texture and those ones with multiple out of the same pore. This can be done while I am zoned out, but for the actual pulling itself I must be devoted to the action, alone, lit up, scouring, craned over, I contort into unimaginable positions just to get that hair, just for that brief moment of pleasure/relief. I give myself headaches, body aches and sprains. I have also given myself scars, I even at times, have dug into scars and scabs because there was a hair in it, this usually happens along my eyebrow and my snailtrail/landing strip/happy trail. But at times it has happened in my groin and legs. Recently, I haven’t been able to stop even if I am bleeding and it is causing me pain.
It started off with my eyebrows after a particularly stressful and depressive period in my life. I had also self harmed during this period and sought out alternatives. It worked, kind of, I stopped self harming and just started pulling my eyebrows out, along with other addictive substances, nothing illegal, just alcohol and nicotine. I balanced it between those three vices, I got a handle on the alcohol and nicotine. This happened around lockdown era, so I had no one telling me how weird or rough I looked.
Then came the dreaded lockdown lift. All of a sudden I was filled with fear and regret, one that was akin to the fear of people finding out I had self-harmed. People close and dear to me looked at me like I was a freak, would just snap at me to stop it and when I told them or tried to explain it, how it felt and why I couldn’t, I was just stared at as if I was a creature beyond their understanding. I then moved to more “secret areas” the groin, happy trail, legs. My eyebrows grew back and everyone seems to think I’ve kicked it.
When in reality it all has gone unchecked, leaving me with even deeper shame, that has only worsened since scarring began to happen, just close to two years ago. It has affected my relationships, because I do not want them to see me like this, doing this so I shut myself away to get my fix, I refuse intimacy when it gets too close out of fear of them seeing my body. I have also started to go back to my eyebrows because my legs aren’t “good enough” and my pubic area is bald and my snail trail is all scarred. Right from the waistline to just inbetween my chest. I fear that I am starting to move onto picking my skin, the scabs, the scars, spots or perceived imperfections.
I am at my rock bottom. I am deeply ashamed yet it is all I can think about, it is beginning to consume me, I am constantly scouring, constantly thinking about it. I am literally unable to sit still without the electric feeling running through me, in all my spots and fingers. I do it without thinking and I don’t like it when I do that, because I have to be aware of it to fully enjoy it. I am frustrated and ashamed all the time, I need relief, tapping isn’t working I genuinely am so desperate. Am I going to have to go to the doctor and get put onto something? I am worried that the extent I go to may push the doctor to do some more extreme measures like a mental asylum of some sort.
This is also on a throwaway account. But advice is needed. Long read, but thank you for reading.

Okies, I've been studying the law of attraction seriously for about a year now.
One of the biggest things that I've learned from Neville was SATs, visualizing to get things flowing into our subconscious.
Let me tell you, I was trying EVERY technique instead of SATS. I thought sats were hard.
"Why?" you ask.
Lemme tell you, the main thing that kept me from SATS-ing, was the 'Feel it real' line. I heard it so many times.
Feel it real. What's the emotion?! YOU MUST FEEL. LIVE IN THE END, NAO!
Yes, that's true. But let me tell you what a lot of posts and people don't tell you about 'feel it real'.
When Neville talked about the Ladder technique, he stressed to people how you put out your hands to touch the ladder... Then climb it, by seeing your arms stretching out and climbing each step.
One thing flew over my head. The POV. I would always try to see my actual self as if I were OUTSIDE My own body, doing and getting what I want. Kinda like a movie.
Then I happened to watch (recently) a video that was actually a voice over of Neville talking about a woman traveling on a street car. She was heading home (crying) and it was raining, she had stuck her face out and told herself that the rain was spray from the ocean and her salty tears were salt from the ocean and that she was on a ship. (I'm paraphrasing) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r34E0pSCLPs&t=528s
It was then that I realized.
Feeling it real, was literally feeling it real. You're feeling your surroundings, you're smelling it, you're tasting it, you're seeing the details, the colors.
Then the BIGGER Epiphany hit me.
The Emotion. Once you create your world through enough senses, it logs into your subconcious, THEN the emotion from that situation hits you. That joy, that relief.
You. CANNOT FORCE EMOTION.
Emotion REQUIRES STIMULUS.
You stub your toe, you feel the pain, then you cry.
You receive a bundle of cash, you feel it in your hand, you get happy.
You don't stub your toe and immediately cry. You need the pain. That visceral feeling.
I stayed away from SATS for a good while because I didn't visualize from first person POV (like seeing your hands and arms as if you're LITERALLY experiencing it through your own body, a very important requisite in my opinion) and I also tried to FORCE emotion, which, was hard to do because I couldn't understand or access what I'd REALLY feel in the scenario.
But when Neville talked about actually feeling it, the FIVE SENSES, the way you ACTUALLY see it from your VERY eyes finally lit a spark in me.
Stimulus=Emotion
Stimulus=One or all of the five senses
First person POV+Stimulus= Manifestation Results.
Once I concentrated on the five senses the emotion, the feeling started becoming stronger and stronger and stronnnnger each time I played the scenario in my head. It was so strong I started getting goosebumps because it was logging into my subcon so heavily.
So for those who found Sats hard, close your eyes, stretch out your arms in front of you, then dream up any scene, any location, go wild. What do you HEAR? Taste? See? Feel? Is that car you wanted cold to the touch? Is the leather smooth? Does it have a night lighting package?
I've done this. It's been working, and it's not even funny how fast it can work. It's also okay to doubt, AS LONG as you correct yourself (Another post on here called "I'm WRONG" has a good outlook on this)
You got the power. Really. Don't take it away from yourself.
Just remember, stimulus equals emotion. The rest will fall in place. <3
happy manifesting :D

I have just found this subreddit after watching a character on “the boys” and I am so relieved there’s other people like me.
However just a warning, there will be discussion of shame/regret, brief mention of self-harm (historic and non descriptive) and very graphic descriptions about the lengths I have gone to, in order to fulfil my desire (for lack of a better word) - compulsion maybe, and addictive behaviours.
I pull from every area of my body except my scalp and armpits. I am deeply ashamed about this behaviour and I have tried just about everything, Vaseline, gloves, plasters, keeping myself occupied, sewing, pulling things out or other things etc. fidget toys, watching those videos - they only seem to make me more frustrated. I can’t shave because feeling the hairs grow back and get itchy make it so I go into my skin, I then pick my skin. Moving tweezers doesn’t help because I use my fingers. The only thing I can think of is wearing clothes to cover everything up all the time - ski mask included with the three holes.
Nothing soothes me unless I actually physically pull my hair out and analyse it, rolling it inbetween my fingers, observing for bulbs, thickness and texture. Before that I can spend a long time just running my hands all over my body finding every bump and imperfection and taking note, looking for ingrowns, thick, wiry, different texture and those ones with multiple out of the same pore. This can be done while I am zoned out, but for the actual pulling itself I must be devoted to the action, alone, lit up, scouring, craned over, I contort into unimaginable positions just to get that hair, just for that brief moment of pleasure/relief. I give myself headaches, body aches and sprains. I have also given myself scars, I even at times, have dug into scars and scabs because there was a hair in it, this usually happens along my eyebrow and my snailtrail/landing strip/happy trail. But at times it has happened in my groin and legs. Recently, I haven’t been able to stop even if I am bleeding and it is causing me pain.
It started off with my eyebrows after a particularly stressful and depressive period in my life. I had also self harmed during this period and sought out alternatives. It worked, kind of, I stopped self harming and just started pulling my eyebrows out, along with other addictive substances, nothing illegal, just alcohol and nicotine. I balanced it between those three vices, I got a handle on the alcohol and nicotine. This happened around lockdown era, so I had no one telling me how weird or rough I looked.
Then came the dreaded lockdown lift. All of a sudden I was filled with fear and regret, one that was akin to the fear of people finding out I had self-harmed. People close and dear to me looked at me like I was a freak, would just snap at me to stop it and when I told them or tried to explain it, how it felt and why I couldn’t, I was just stared at as if I was a creature beyond their understanding. I then moved to more “secret areas” the groin, happy trail, legs. My eyebrows grew back and everyone seems to think I’ve kicked it.
When in reality it all has gone unchecked, leaving me with even deeper shame, that has only worsened since scarring began to happen, just close to two years ago. It has affected my relationships, because I do not want them to see me like this, doing this so I shut myself away to get my fix, I refuse intimacy when it gets too close out of fear of them seeing my body. I have also started to go back to my eyebrows because my legs aren’t “good enough” and my pubic area is bald and my snail trail is all scarred. Right from the waistline to just inbetween my chest. I fear that I am starting to move onto picking my skin, the scabs, the scars, spots or perceived imperfections.
I am at my rock bottom. I am deeply ashamed yet it is all I can think about, it is beginning to consume me, I am constantly scouring, constantly thinking about it. I am literally unable to sit still without the electric feeling running through me, in all my spots and fingers. I do it without thinking and I don’t like it when I do that, because I have to be aware of it to fully enjoy it. I am frustrated and ashamed all the time, I need relief, tapping isn’t working I genuinely am so desperate. Am I going to have to go to the doctor and get put onto something? I am worried that the extent I go to may push the doctor to do some more extreme measures like a mental asylum of some sort.
This is also on a throwaway account. But advice is needed. Long read, but thank you for reading.

I’m 22 and I’ve NEVER had a girlfriend or experienced any sort of romance. There’s a few guys I personally know at my church who are in their mid to late teens and yet they already have girlfriends. There’s four guys I personally know from my church who are probably around my age and already they have wives. All throughout my life I have been a shy and reclusive person, for years I have dreamed of having a beautiful girlfriend who I love and who truly loves me for who I am. I have dreamed of us starting a family together and living a fun and happy life together.
There’s a girl I met online back in 2021 or 2022 and she is gorgeous. We’re close friends and I feel like our friendship was the most alive around last Fall. We live in two different states but around last Fall we would chat daily for about an hour or longer, we talked about regular stuff and get to know each other. Also we talked dirty with each other, and even exchanged explicit pics and vids of ourselves. I felt overjoyed because for me it was the first time when I truly felt loved by a girl I deeply loved back.
However on March 1st of this year she chose to go into a relationship with a guy who goes to her college. I still feel devastated about that to this day, because it felt like she put our friendship on hold. An hour ago she told me that she’s gonna have her first sleepover with him and he suggested that they get all freaky during it. She’s told me a last year as well that she had anal sex for the first time with another guy years ago, and when I asked if she’s gonna let her current bf use her vagina she said yeah. She PROMISED to me and reassured me that we could start a relationship together in five years from now.
However now that I know by the time she will fully no longer be a virgin by the time our relationship starts it’s making me lose some hope. I don’t know if I’m being petty for this, but I will not want to be in a relationship with her if by the time we’re together she already has another dude’s kids. I feel so pissed off, devastated, confused, and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have spent THOUSANDS of my own money on video game cards for her and even bought her food a few times. While it’s gonna be incredibly difficult, I told her that I’m gonna want to continue being close friends with her for now and continue holding onto hope that we’ll eventually be together someday and that I’ll be able to live out my dream.
She apologized to me for all this excruciating emotional pain I have went through and I chose to forgive her. I told her that during this five-year wait I’m gonna look for another girl to possibly live out my dream with instead, but that if by the time 2029 comes and I’m still single, then I’ll want to date her. She accepted it and will allow me to date her if I haven’t found anyone else by then.
Before meeting this girl I often looked at photos of girls I thought were pretty on Instagram and tried adding lots of them to Snapchat. However I didn’t chat with them. It feels like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, but I’m gonna continue holding onto hope.

Xbox

• Xbox + X360 Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter
  
• Xbox Halo (Platinum Hits)
  
• Xbox Halo 2
  
• Xbox Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance
  
• X360 Alpha Protocol
  
• X360 Dragon Age Origins: Ultimate Edition
  
• X360 Dragon Age 2
  
• X360 ES IV: Oblivion - GOTY Edition (In a standard Oblivion Case)
  
• X360 Halo 3
  
• X360 Halo 3: ODST
  
• X360 Halo 4
  
• X360 Halo Anniversary (Gunk on sleeve)
  
• X360 Halo Reach
  
• X360 Halo Wars Platinum Hits
  
• X360 Mass Effect Platinum Hits
  
• X360 Mass Effect 2
  
• X360 Mass Effect 3
  
• X360 Naruto: The Broken Bond
  
• XONE Halo Wars 2: UE (Code Used)
  
• XONE South Park: The Fractured But Whole Gold Edition
  
• XONE Witcher 3: Complete Edition
  

Playstation

• PS1 Metal Gear Solid (Black Label)
  
• PS2 Controller (Black)
  
• PS2 Controller (Transparent Blue)
  
• PSP Metal Gear Solid: Digital Graphic Novel (Game Only)
  
• PSP Star Wars: Battlefront 2
  
• PS3 Dark Souls
  
• PS3 Dark Souls Limited Edition
  
• PS3 Dark Souls 2: Black Armor Edition
  
• PS3 Demon’s Souls (GH)
  
• PS3 Kingdom Hearts 1.5 Limited Edition
  
• PS3 Kingdom Hearts 2.5
  
• Metal Gear Rising Revengeance
  
• Metal Gear Solid 5: Ground Zeroes
  
• Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain
  
• PS3 Metal Gear Solid The Legacy Collection
  
• PSV Tales of Heart R
  
• PS4 Kingdom Hearts 2.8 (Sealed)
  
• PS4 Red Dead Redemption 2
  
• PS4 Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner (w. Patch)
  
• PS5 Elden Ring
  

Nintendo

• GBA Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
  
• GBA Spyro 2: Season of Flame
  
• GBA Yoshi's Island: SMA 3
  
• [GCN Naruto Clash of Ninja 2]
  
• Wii LOZ: Skyward Sword w. 25th Anniversary Orchestra CD
  
• 3DS LOZ: Link Between Worlds (Nintendo Selects)
  
• 3DS Pokemon Sun
  
• Wii U Super Smash Bros
  
• Switch LOZ Breath of the Wild: Guardian Carrying Case
  
• Switch Pokemon Sword
  
• Switch Xenoblade Chronicles 2: Special Edition (CiB) - Slight damage to opening flap
  

Amiibos

• LOZ Tears of the Kingdom Link Amiibo (NiB)
  
• Sora Amiibo (NiB)
  

Video Game Collectibles

• Bloodstained Ritual of the Night Steelbook
  
• Dark Souls: Prepare to Die Edition (PC) - Soundtrack CD damaged
  
• Fallout 3 GOTY Edition Collector’s Strategy Guide w. Poster
  
• Game & Watch Super Mario Bros
  
• God of War (2018) Official Print
  
• Halo 2 PC GFWL Edition (Possibly Obsolete)
  
• Metroid Dread My Nintendo Poster (Sealed)
  
• Metroid Prime Remastered My Nintendo Pins (Sealed)
  
• Pikmin 4 My Nintendo Shoe Charms (Sealed)
  
• Super Mario Cereal - From the Original Run (2017-2018)
  
• Tetris Mini Machine (2018)
  
• Witcher 3: Ciri Funko (Loose)
  

Anime (Blu Ray unless noted)

• Gate: Complete Collection
  
• Konosuba S1 & S2
  
• Mobile Suit Gundam: Movie Trilogy
  
• Mobile Suit Gundam: Unicorn OVAs
  
• Saga of Tanya the Evil
  
• Violet Evergarden: Eternity and the Auto Memory Doll
  

Wants
Gameboy

• Pokemon Red

N64

• Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Manual
  
• Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask Collectibles
  

Wii

• Golden Nunchuck

3DS

• Majora’s Mask 3DS Collectibles
  
• New 3DS Faceplate (Mario Hanafuda)
  
• Nintendo 2DS: Link Edition w. box
  

PS4

• Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin
  
• Fate Samurai/Remnant (PS4/PS5/Steam)
  
• Persona 5 Royal PS4 Controller (Black or White)
  

Switch

• Pokemon Sword w. Expansion Pass (cart only)
  
• Pokemon Shield w. Expansion Pass
  
• Pokemon Brilliant Diamond
  
• Pokemon Scarlet/Violet w. DLC
  

Xbox

• Cyberpunk 2077: Ultimate Edition

Amiibo

• Toon Link Amiibo (The one with the WW in his hand)
  
• Skyward Sword Link Amiibo (Loose)
  
• Twilight Princess Link Amiibo (Loose)
  
• Solaire of Astora Amiibo (Loose)
  

Willing to also look at all offers!

First / Previous / Next
The ministry of secrets was indeed a busy place these days. Only the most loyal and trust worthy women and dare she say a few men worked beneath the halls of the Imperial palace, although who they were loyal to was sometimes a mystery. Mon’Kelron had visited a few times over her career, once at the behest of now Admiral Nar’Vala, and once at the behest of the Empress.
Once more, she followed one pace behind the Empress into the dark halls the ministry of secrets utilized. It was a strange mixture of the ancient dungeons of the past combined with almost magical Human technology. Spy-Mistress Kel’Taraan awaited the Empress as they passed the thick metal doors that although old, were without blemish.
Two of the ministry of secrets guards stood to each side, each in strange charcoal colored uniforms of some kind of thick cloth material and brandishing rifles that glowed blue from within their barrels. “More new Human technology.” She thought as they passed the check point and entered the sanctum of secrecy. Once inside, the two guards closed the impressive door and pressed a button on the wall, an intricate mechanism spun, forcing metal bars into place on all four sides of the door.
Empress Shi’Lana addressed the once ancient, but now middle aged Spy-Mistress. “How is our prisoner doing this morning?” She asked in a cold tone.
The Spy-Mistress waved for the group to follow her, “She is doing better now, we found a false tooth laced with poison and extracted it. We also used some of the medical nannites the Humans gave us to repair her face, Mon’Kelron did a staggering amount of damage, breaking her nose, maxilla and zygoma. She could not talk with all the swelling of her injuries.”
The Empress looked over to her Captain, “I heard you dispatched her, I did not know it was quite that brutal.”
Mon’Kelron sighed, “It wasn’t intended to be, it was instinctive, muscle memory. During that moment of terror I felt as if something unlocked inside me and I found I has incredible strength that was not there before the Humans repaired me.”
The Spy-Mistress cackled as they entered a room with a single chair in it’s center. In that chair was a woman, who appeared to be quite worse for wear. She was strapped to the chair by her ankles, shins, thighs, chest and neck. She did not look happy. “How are we doing this afternoon young Vir’Athen?”
The woman struggled against her bonds as she spat, “Better than all of you will be when our masters arrive with their fleet!”
The Empress raised an eyebrow to Kel’Taraan, “She speaks of the Howrons? Is she part of the lunatic fringe group New Beginnings or something else?”
“Oh, she is part of something else entirely. A group we had heard only whispers about in the past centuries, but we knew must exist.” Kel’Taraan sighed. “She is part of a group that calls themselves the Redeemers, who worship the Howrons, and have existed since they first came to our world.”
The woman settled down but spoke with vehemence, “We don’t worship them, they aren’t gods, but they are the rightful rulers of our race. For over ten generations we have been their presence on Alandra, and we don’t follow the orders of a false Empress!”
Mon’Kelron looked over to the Spy-Mistress, “I’m surprised she is speaking at all, if this group is as secretive as you say and even resorted to poisoning themselves rather than being captured.”
Kel’Taraan pointed to the tablet on the wall, one identical to the one in her quarters. “The Human’s gave us such wonderful toys. That medical tablet is monitoring a device that we implanted in the base of her spine, it completely inhibits the parts of the brain that control duplicity. Simply put, she can not lie to us, nor does she want to.”
“Humans!” The prisoner spat, “They are a blight on our universe, and the mortal enemy of the Howrons and the Ulraar!”
The Empress looked over to the Spy-Mistress, then back to the two other guards behind them, “I think I have seen enough for now, let us go to somewhere more private.”
As they turned to leave the prisoner shouted from her chair, tears running down her bruised and swollen cheeks, “The fleet is coming, and once they destroy the Humans they will lay waste to our world for siding with them! You will be the death of us all if you don’t repent!”
Mon’Kelron smirked at her, and slammed the door as she followed the group to Kel’Taraan’s private office. Leaving the two guardswomen outside the door she closed it and ensured it was locked before sitting in the only other chair in the office. The Spy-Mistess walked around her huge desk and sat in a strange chair that was obviously of Human manufacture.
“The prisoner, Vir’Athen has been grilled by myself and Spy-Mistress Isa’Bella for most of the morning. Her name is on no census, and other than her clothing and the pistol and reload cartridges she carried nothing else. Thankfully the devices the Human’s provided us with worked on our physiology. We have learned quite a good deal about this group from her, and will require Imperial permission to take out this group.” She stated, pressing her finger tips together.
The Empress sat back in the overly stuffed leather chair, “And you will have it of course, what will you need?”
Sighing the Spy-Mistress turned her computer monitor around, showing a map of the world with an island circled. “The group operates off an island compound near the equator, forty kilometers off shore. Evidently the Howrons set this group up with the means to operate and communicate with them.”
The Empress looked horrified, “They can communicate with the fleet even now? Have you informed the Humans?”
Kel’Taraan sat back and smiled, “Of course, they have been receiving everything we enter into our computers about this Redeemer group. Luckily this fleet believes they are only up against a single human warship. This other race of aliens are the ones that have Alex a bit nervous.”
Mon’Kelron spoke up, “The Ulraar? Yes, I wondered what the prisoner meant by that myself.”
Turning the computer monitor back around the Spy-Mistress grumbled, “As if things weren’t complicated enough, it seems the Howron have an alliance with this more advanced race against the Humans and have been in a state of on again, off again war for three centuries.”
“Hold on, I’m confused, why didn’t Alex and the others know their people were at war with the Howrons and this other race? They’re human after all!” Mon’Kelron asked.
Looking first at the Empress, then to Mon’Kelron, “You didn’t tell her?” She asked.
The Empress shook her head, “Nar’Vala was read in, but she is Admiral of our space based fleet, the Captain of my Guard didn’t need to know. She might as well now, tell her.”
“Very well your majesty.” She stated to the Empress before turning to Mon’Kelron, “The Humans are not from our Universe, thus far all who have arrived have come here by accident, including the first ship to grace our skies as well as the Missive of Dissent.”
Mon’Kelron nodded, “Yes, that is part of the fairy tale, that they were from another realm, that doesn’t explain why they don’t know about this ongoing war.”
“Ah, but it does. Alex and his crew have been piecing together a series of events over the last three and a half centuries. A huge Human warship known as the IFS Conquest of Mars was the first to arrive in our universe, and was met by hostility from a Howron colony a little over four light years from our own solar system. They destroyed the colony world, sending it into an ice age and starting this war with the Howrons.” Kel’Taraan stated.
Mon’Kelron nodded, “Ok, go on.”
The Spy-Mistress swiveled in her chair, “The Humans aboard the Conquest left for a system near a pulsar to a group of systems inside a nebula. It is a place the Howrons cannot reach, the pulsar bathes the entire region of space in harsh radiation, but the Ulraar can attack them. The reason Alex, and even the first crew of the Prosperity didn’t know about the other Human’s was simply a matter of timing, by the time they had arrived, the previous humans had started a war and left.”
Mon’Kelron looked over to the Empress, then back to the Spy-Mistress, “So when the Howron found a Human ship in orbit above our planet they decided then that we needed to be conquered to keep the Humans from having allies?”
The Empress spoke up, “Perhaps at first, but once they found our planet to have vast reserves of Adamantine it became far more lucrative to them to take it from us as tribute. Though why they want it we still don’t know.”
The Spy-Mistress sighed, “Thanks to our esteemed guest, we now know why. Although she stated they were equals in their alliance, we believe the Howrons are buying technology from the Ulraar with Adamantine mined here. Alex noted the Ulraar ships, which he had been calling Trinar since they were all triangular in shape, used a vast amount of the substance in their hulls.”
The Empress balled up her fists, “So we have been slaves to these, these, beings simply because we had a resource they could use to bribe another group for technology?”
The Spy-Mistress shrugged, “It was always a mystery why they wanted the adamantine they forced us to extract, now we know. The Ulraar are more technologically advanced than the Howron, but neither seem to be able to get the upper hand on the group of Human’s in the nebula.”
Mon’Kelron tapped the overstuffed arm of the chair as she thought, “If the Humans here know where the Conquest went, what is stopping them from leaving us to the Howron to find more of their kind?”
The Spy-Mistress stopped swiveling her chair, “I spent the best seventy five years of my life with the Humans on the Prosperity, my Emmet…” She broke off her words and put her knuckles to her mouth, tears welling up in her eyes. “The Humans will not abide slavery of any kind, Alex has made this abundantly clear. He will not leave until our system is safe and we can defend ourselves properly.”
Neither the Empress or the Captain had ever seen Kel’Taraan this emotional before, they both waited, giving her time to compose herself. “They will not leave us to our fate, they have committed Humans to crew the last two vessels. This new information changes nothing in the short term, in the long term they may reach out to the other group of Humans.”
______________________________
Monty looked over to Kelly as she sat down on the couch beside her. She had a plate full of cake and a huge glass of milk. “Are you alright? You kind of lost it there for a moment in your office.”
Kelly sighed as she put her glass on the side table. “Being a replicant is taking some getting used to. I can remember things as clearly as if it happened only moments ago, even if it were centuries past.”
“I guess Emmet was someone special to you?” Monty asked.
Nodding, Kelly answered, “He was the most important person in my life. He was my husband, and although we could never have offspring, I always wanted a family. I had health issues when I was young and he was the ships doctor. I was the advisor to the Empress and he took a liking to me, bringing me up to their ship to fix what ailed me.”
Monty nodded, “So that explains your exceptionally long lifespan. You spent seventy five years together?”
Kelly picked up her fork and took a bite from the piece of cake, nodding to Monty, “I did, seventy five wonderful years.” She started tearing up again. “I’m sorry, now I can recall everything with perfect clarity, it’s painful remembering those times, and my mind wondered to a time when I feared Emmet would leave me.” She wiped the tear away with her napkin.
Monty reached over and hugged her, letting her get it out of her system. “How about a comedy, something raunchy and stupid?”
Kelly nodded, “That sounds good, want some cake?”
Monty shook her head and got up to go over to the buffet table, grabbing some chocolate brownies and bringing back a plate full of them. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”
______________________________
“Thank you all for coming, have you all seen the information Kelly has collected from the Redeemer prisoner?” Kara asked as she stood in front of the now enlarged buffet table surrounded by Alex, Monty, Riven, Izzy, Valarie, John, Erin and Kelly. Nods from all around the table let her know that they had indeed read the latest bombshell from the planet.
Kara swiped her holo-tank to show the first time a Bells Inequality was detected from the surface of Alandra. “At the time we assumed this was sent from the Palace, however, after some talks with Kelly we have found this was not the case. That particular communication was sent from this Redeemer group. Kara looked to Kelly to continue.
The new replicant easily picked up the presentation, “We often wondered how the Howron knew where our research facilities were located. They have attempted to keep us technologically backwards to ensure we can never threaten them or leave our planet. It appears they setup this group centuries ago, and they have used their extensive spy network to pass on that information to the enemy. The city they destroyed housed a research lab working on nuclear fission.”
Kara picked up after Kelly, “Luckily Kelly is extremely paranoid, and the exact information as to our alliance has never been disclosed outside the Empresses inner circle. The prisoner, who was very highly placed in the Redeemer group is completely unaware of the mine field, the planetary defenses, or the new frigates. As of one hour ago the entirety of the Alandran navy, which isn’t as impressive as it sounds have been secretly launched to attack their island base.”
“We could just nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.” Monty stated.
Kelly shook her head, “Sadly that is not a possibility, we need to capture those in charge of the organization and capture any equipment they may be using to contact the Howron. The news has stated the Empress was gravely injured in the attack and the assassin is still at large, with any luck this story will hold until the assault on the island.”
Alex spoke up, “So will it only be the navy that will launch this assault on the island?”
Kelly grinned across the table to Alex, “No, Spy-Mistress Isa’Bella and our best agents in the ministry of secrets will also be going. Not only will they know what to look for, they are also equipped with modern body armor and light rail guns, they should turn the tide of any technology the Howrons equipped the Redeemers with.”
John spoke up as he picked up a small sandwich cut at an angle from the table, “I take it you have a plan?”
Kelly walked over to the holo-tank and Kara moved over to allow her to use the device, “We believe the device they are using to communicate with the Howrons is in fact Ulraar technology, and will look quite different than the examples we have seen before. Kara had her doubts about the Howrons having the knowledge to create particle entanglement, it seems this is a pass me down from the Ulraar who have discovered string radio, though not its full range yet.”
Continuing, she swiped the holo-tank to show the last information about the alien fleet in the Lynx system. “If we can capture that device intact we can send false information to the Howron fleet. We could maneuver them directly into the minefield!”
Valarie shook her head, “How would that work, if they are as fanatical as we believe them to be, even with an implanted neural inhibitor they still couldn’t be controlled enough to send them a video message.”
Kara nodded to Kelly, who moved away from the holo-tank. “I’ve researched both Bells Inequalities that we have encountered since arriving in this universe. There isn’t enough bandwidth to send a video file, or even an audio file. I believe there are only three entangled atoms in the device, allowing for transmission of only one bit at a time with error correction. They are limited to text transmissions.”
Monty bounced as she understood, “So the Howrons would have no idea who was on the other side of the transmission, they would simply have to trust it was still their group sending the message.”
Izzy spoke up next, “But this could all be ruined if they manage to send a message to the Howron fleet?”
“Yes, which is why my agents will infiltrate the base and capture the device before the navy begins bombarding the island.” Kelly stated.
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like the title says, I've not had a flare up for a few months now, and I thought I was progressively getting better at knowing my limits, my fatigue was generally better and my pain usually below 5/10. seems like I've been managing okay with a good dose of CBD daily, extra vitamins and supplements and some gentle weekly exercise (it's taken me around 6 months to see improvement this way)
a week or two ago I started getting electric shooting pains through my hands and fingers, it would last a few minutes and then go away, a few times a day at first and then increasing until it just stopped as soon as it started.
then my knees started to get sharp pains, then my hips. then my neck pain got increasingly bad. I always have neck pain to some degree but I couldn't turn my head without awful pain, and I was using topical relief (I try not to use pain killers because of GI issues)
my fatigue level was still okay so I didn't think too much of the increase in pain levels and the new types of electric shooting pains. I put it down to an increase in being able to do things so I was drawing more, and just tried to keep moving about as normal.
today I woke up with a bit of a sniff. I thought it was hay fever and took my normal antihistamine. that didn't do anything. my eyes seemed sensitive to light and dry, blinking a lot, but I just thought it was allergies and the antihistamine wasn't working (I've had this before and have to change to a different type). I got up and had breakfast, and it just got worse. my nose started running constantly, it would drip if I tilted my head forward, like someone turned on a water tap in my head. I started getting shivers and feeling cold, even though it's quite warm here at the minute and I was wearing multiple layers. I started sneezing frequently. still thinking it's allergies, I used an allergy wet wipe to remove anything on my skin and hair that could be trigging this. I tried to relax on the sofa and just watch videos on my phone, but wrapped up in a blanket, waves of tingling full body shivers, sneezing fits and blocked feeling sinuses...it slowly crept up on me- this is not allergies, this is the start of a flare up. and the weighed blanket of fatigue was laid on me like lead by midday.
couldn't get out of work, so I've been dealing with a constantly running nose, fatigue, brain fog, shivers running through my body, feeling cold all day, sneezing fits of up to 8 consecutive sneezes, twitches and increased clumsiness all day whilst trying to do my job where I cant sit down and have to interact with customers frequently.
and now I have to change all my plans for tomorrow, luckily a day off work, to "rest in bed and hope that staves off a full flare up" when I actually should have been going through all my stuff and sorting things out because we have to move house in just over a month. it's so frustrating that there's nothing I can do, no medicine I can take helps with these symptoms, not antihistamines, not cold medicines, not pain killers, nothing. I've tried it all before and I know these feelings. I'm not getting a cold or the flu. it's just my chronic illness reminding me that it can take me out whenever it likes and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
I just needed to vent about this. I'm not even sure if anyone else gets anything like this with fibro, but that's what the Dr has labelled this as, and from tracking my symptoms for over a year now, I know this is how it starts for me. and I don't want it to start going down hill again.

Hello!
I'll be honest right off the riff so as to not waste anyone's time, I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for right now. I don't need anyone in my life, but I want some kind of companionship/intimacy. If we mesh really well, I won't say no to a long-term relationship, but I'm not rushing into one anytime soon. If you're OK with that, keep reading! If not, best of luck to you!
Rapid-fire facts, Go!: I'm a progressive liberal, atheist, and feminist. I'm also permanently child-free, having had a vasectomy. I have two dogs, a cat, and a bird. I own a house. Lastly, I can't smell.
 
In a nutshell, I'm a shy, introverted, hopeless-romantic dork with a big libido, a bigger heart, and a vernacular stuck somewhere between academic and dude-bro.
I'm passionate about games and music, as well as science and history. I spend way too much time watching videos on those topics on Youtube and I love learning constantly. I'll play just about anything with you and listen to whatever music you want to share. I'm currently playing Fallout: New Vegas, Armored Core VI and Elden Ring. I like prog-metal, jazz and synthwave music, just to name a few genres.
I'm definitely more of a listener than a talker, but I can go off endlessly given the right topic, and if you are enthusiastic about my blathering. I'm equally as capable of getting into deep, emotional, intelligent, and sensitive subjects as I am being a goofy clown or pervy deviant. No topic is off the table for me and there's no such thing as giving me TMI. I'm very laid back and I very rarely, if ever, get offended.
I appreciate a lot of different styles of humor, but it's hard to go wrong with "hur hur poopie go bbrrrpt". I'm pretty shy when I'm being myself, but I love getting into character and put on a performance. I live on making the people I care about laugh and being entertained, no matter how stupid I look. I also make random weird noises at times, so there's that.
I'm very much a homebody. My ideal day with a partner is playing games together, cuddling up watching movies/TV, doing some hobbies together (or apart), maybe going out to dinner, having a good bang or two, and more cuddling! That's not to say I don't enjoy going out doing adventurous stuff, because I absolutely do. It's just that 9 times out of 10, I'd vote for staying in.
As alluded to, I have a medium-high sex drive and I'm sex-positive, it's all very important to me. Touch is my primary love language, followed by verbal affirmation and time spent together. I'll admit, I like some clinginess from a partner, but not to the point of creating needless jealousy and tension.
I consider myself an "anti-asshole", politically speaking. It does not mean I'm above talking shit about conservatives, especially those in government and the far-right variety. I simply mean I'm generally against anyone and anything that tries to restrict the rights of ordinary people (no, that does not mean I'm a libertarian). I'm pro-LGBT+ rights, pro-abortion and women's rights, pro-union and work reform, pro-universal healthcare, pro-accessible education, etc.
I also want to promote honesty and clear communication, so I'm putting my full-self out here, flaws and all, hoping the right person appreciates it. Here we go…
I am in therapy and being treated for depression, anxiety issues, and OCD. I'm almost certainly on the autism spectrum, as I have trouble with reading subtlety and I tend to be more blunt and honest than tactful in a casual setting.
I am divorced. I know that matters to some people, but not particularly to me if you are or aren't divorced yourself.
I never finished my college degree, but I plan on finishing someday, when I believe it won't just be a money sink.
I must admit, I've -historically- been really bad at making the first move. I'm just painfully shy, but it's also out of courtesy and respect for others' space. I promise I'm a good conversationalist, I just need someone to give me a chance.
Also I'm 5' 10" (178 cm), bald and bearded, with a little extra around the belly, this is what I look like. I'd like to start a gym routine, but that's easier said than done.
 
So what do I like?
While I have physical and personal preferences like anyone else, I don’t like to pigeon-hole myself by saying "you should be this and this…", but I do value these traits/values, from most to least important:

1. Empathy & compassion
2. Intelligence
3. Honesty & authenticity
4. Sexual compatibility
5. Humor (dark, sarcastic, goofy, etc.)
6. Open and clear communication
7. Political views
8. Shared interests
9. Open-mindedness
10. Willingness to sing duets in the car

I only ask for three things when messaging me:

1. I'd like to swap pics from the get-go, or at the very least, early into our dialogue. You already know what I look like.
2. Tell me a little bit about yourself, help start a conversation. I've already told you a lot about myself, help me get to know you!
3. Please be around 27-37 years old.

…And you made it! I'd hope for your sake you actually read all this because you're interested. Looking forward to hearing from you!

I hate my life. it’s not even ‘that bad’ at the present moment. but it’s just one bad thing after another, and I thought I found a man to love me and help me heal from my childhood abuse, adoption, losing a daughter, my emotionally/mentally/financially/physically abusive divorce…. but he’s just as abusive, even worse, and unfaithful to top it all off. and now 4 kids later… i’m stuck. and he knows it. and he doesn’t care. I just seem to get myself into the worst situations. I used to be thankful my birth mother didn’t abort me, not I wish she did. I used to be such a devoted Christian, but praying and fasting, and going to church and begging God to hear me for years, crying my heart out as I lay next to a man who can just hit me across the face on Christmas giving me a black eye and fall asleep peacefully. he made me apologize to him, refused to acknowledge me or the kids until I said I was sorry for provoking him.
i’m a traditional stay at home mom I homeschool our kids i’m his maid/chef/nanny I do everything for him, but he find sexual satisfaction everywhere else no interest in me turns out- he has a porn addiction that he has no intentions of stopping he lies and denies and pretends everything is fine found texts of him to other women his car had some hair ties in it that weren’t mine the passenger seat is always in a different position but he denies it he’s always changing passwords and deleting texts and emails idk why he is with me if he clearly doesn’t love me or want me… probably because I do everything else for him and he likes that he likes the forbidden fruit so i’m just neglected while he gets his cakes and eats it too
there’s no trust no emotional connection no respect or intimacy no love it’s just fake, all robotic and if I don’t do what he expects of me he gets mad and ignores me and the kids for days, weeks even.
he drinks a lot loves to drink every single night, the second he gets home from work, straight bee line to the cupboard
he’s violent when he’s upset has no problem shoving me or the kids to the ground throwing things at us
he escapes into things, video games, porn, gambling, alcohol… he had to quit smoking weed for work, but he has all the vices.
has a million hobbies so he’s always too busy for the kids and me
and he refuses to have any conversation other than him complaining about work doesn’t care about my day or the kids he doesn’t care how i’m feeling doesn’t care how his actions affect me
he doesn’t care about me
nothing for my birthday made plans and then canceled because I brought up that we hadn’t had sex in a while but I had caught him jerking off and watching porn and that really hurt my feelings since it’s been weeks of him not touching me
nothing for mother’s day not even a ‘happy mothers day’ my son was distraught that he wasn’t able to get me anything, ‘daddy wouldn’t bring me to the store’
he told me a few times he wishes he was single with no kids living the life he used to have
so why can’t he just leave
he told me I should have killed myself when I first thought to do it
he simply doesn’t care he plays pretend when we have company the doting husband and involved father but it stops when no one is looking his family thinks he’s the most amazing man but I can tell his father is just like him his mother is my future self an empty shell of a woman she’s gone I don’t want to turn into that to spend the rest of my life numbing the pain away and pretending i’m okay
i’m done i’m just exhausted I can’t voice any of my thoughts or feelings without the fear of being physically attacked or completely ignored and it always spills over onto the kids so i’ve just learned to shut up
what did I do to deserve this shit after shit is this all my fault? am I a horrible person? am I the problem?
and I could easily kill myself technically speaking I have the means to do it I just can’t actually bring myself to do it I don’t actually want to but I feel so hopeless like there is no other option to stop hurting
we have kids and they would be left alone with him and that scares me more than anything
I don’t want to hurt myself I just want the pain to stop I want to be loved for once in my life I want to feel loved like someone would make an effort me me that I would be worth an effort even a small one a genuine one
I tried cutting and it didn’t help at all I don’t want to be in even more pain I don’t want to hurt anyone else either and my mom might be upset my kids would be sad for a while my son would atleast and i’m pregnant so I don’t want to hurt my baby I just want to be loved and happy to have the life I know I deserve to give my kids the life they deserve
and now I feel even more pathetic after reading what some of you are going through. like how dare I feel this way.
I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge, I love my children more than anything, I even still have some love and hope for my husband, maybe a miracle will happen and he can change and be the man he pretended to be when we met.
i just needed to get that off my chest. sorry I know this is stupid.

As promised (for those interested) – here’s the second post getting into more technical aspects of going to war. You can find my first post (along with the “about me” part) by clicking on the tag.
A few trigger warnings and disclaimers first:

• Trigger Warning: this post doesn’t deal with the moral aspects of the war. It’s about the cold, pragmatic decisions that go into executing a military operation. I make no moral judgements here – just describing things. And I'm certainly NOT ENDORSING invading places for fun. If you’re easily triggered – you may want to skip this post.
• Disclaimer. My experience is quite relevant. But again, I was not in IDF. Never been to Israel or Gaza. Though I expected that much of what I say translates to IDF’s experience accurately, there are probably many local, and theatre-specific differences I’m not accounting for. Those of you who were in IDF… or maybe have friends or family currently engaged in Gaza – please chime in if anything I’m saying doesn’t ring true.
• An Acknowledgment. We (meaning US forces fighting in the Middle East) have seen our share of chaos and urban combat. But we never had to walk into a city that has been fortified for 15 years for this precise scenario and where nearly 100% of the population was, at least in terms of personal opinion, entirely hostile. Bottom line, I suspect (though don’t know for sure) that certain unique circumstances in Gaza make it much more difficult operationally than what we had to face when entering hostile cities.

Ok, here we go... this one is long.
As a Battlefield, Gaza is Hell.
For a war planner, Gaza is the stuff of nightmares. I honestly can’t think of a worse place to try to enter on a short notice than Gaza. A city fortified for combat for a decade and a half, with planned resupply routes, prepared ammo caches, planned choke points, etc. etc… a population as hostile as it gets. It’s basically hell for any invading force to enter.
And then there are the f---ing tunnels (more on those later). First, let’s talk about invading a place.

Invasions are Awesome (or Catastrophic) … well, they’re always catastrophic for at least one party.

A well-executed combined arms invasion is an awe-inspiring spectacle to behold. Trying to understand the whole thing is difficult to process, because the success of it, when witnessed first-hand and in real time, seemingly makes no sense. In hindsight - it’s a masterclass of cooperation, coordination, planning, and effective execution at massive scale with no room for error.
It’s a massive, violent ballet of small, lethal cogs, all seemingly in complete chaos – and yet somehow, with very little direct communication, getting the job done. If you witness a convoy during an invasion, you’ll see a clusterf*k of ugly vehicles moving very slowly, constantly stopping, soldiers jumping on and off, looking ragged, tired, annoyed. If you talk to any soldier at any given time – you’ll think you’re witnessing the most disorganized sh*tshow ever produced.
The most likely answer you’ll get is “I don’t know what the f—k is going on and where we’re going, I just know that I haven’t taken a sh—t in 3 days, and these a-holes keep shooting at us every couple of hours”. And yet, check the news a day later – and somehow this tired, annoyed, slow war machine advance in leaps and bounds, flanked choke points, and broke through everywhere – all while you got a good night of sleep at home. But talk to the same soldier the next day and you’ll get the same annoyed answer “I don’t know what the f—ck is going on”.
Why am I describing it in such detail? Because to an untrained eye – that’s what things look like on the surface. It seems botched, disorganized, seemingly without rhyme or reason. A reporter witnessing what, at first, appears to be a massive sh*tshow, will likely walk away precisely with the image of a sh*tshow – which will probably set in motion the theme for the coverage.
Except, it’s not a sh*tshow. It’s a carefully planned, coordinated, and organized ballet that takes years of practice, experience, and thoughtful execution to produce.
Side note: there are of course botched invasion – they look seemingly the same on the surface as a well executed operation – but turn out more of a masterclass in hubris, incompetence, and stupidity.
And of course, individual results will vary - – you may be on the “good” side of an invasion and still end up one of the few casualties on your side. Or you could be on the receiving end of Uncle Sam’s fury and still get a lucky shot in that kills a general. .
What Does an Invasion Feel Like when you’re invading? It’s confusing, exhilarating, tiring, scary. But mostly… honestly… boring. Just like most of soldiering – it’s hours and hours of boredom and lack of sleep. The entire time you have to stay vigilant… and the fear never quite goes away. And then those hours of boredom are interrupted by sudden terror of combat and the exhilaration of coming out on the other side. And then the dread that you will have to do that again and again.
What Does it feel like to be Invaded? On the side that gets stomped by the invading force (i.e. this wouldn’t apply to Ukrainians, for instance) – to put simply – it f-ing sucks. It’s also hours of boredom filled with dread and fear. And suddenly, your entire world is on fire. All the “plans” your commanders set in motion fall apart in minutes. Eventually (if you survive the experience) you’ll find out that, by the time you had your contact with the invader, the forward enemy elements were already deep behind you. So uninterested were they in you, that they just rolled by and reported your location to the chasing element for a “clean up”… it’s almost insulting, really.

Well of course IDF would be good at invading, right… they’re the big scary dog with lots of guns, tanks, and aircraft?

This mindset is a dangerous, deadly assumption to make. Having overwhelming force is no guarantee of a successful invasion. The Russians invaded Ukraine with OVERWHELMING force and superior real world experience… and boy did they botch it. Sure, Ukrainians fought bravely and turned out quite competent. But the main factor wasn’t the Ukrainian abilities – it was the incompetence and the failure on the Russian side.
The invader has to out-perform the defender in every aspect. Logistically and operationally – an assault is much more difficult and potentially deadly than a defense. And a large, slow force moving into someone else’s backyard isn’t that hard to bog down and turn it into a bloodbath (as Ukrainians demonstrated).
Combined Arms invasion only works when the arms are actually combined. And it’s a real, difficult skill that requires lots of planning, practice, and precise execution.
Is an Invasion of a Dense Urban Area Different? Yes and no. An urban environment introduces many more unpredictable and dangerous elements. But it’s still an invasion. Broadly-speaking, it’s still all of the above – the same complex and dangerous ballet of planning, coordination, and execution. Except if unfolds in a very, very slow motion. Much more up close and personal. And potentially, much deadlier.

Preparing for the Campaign.

The preparation part is absolutely critical. A massive combined-arms operation is about as complex as things get. At the top, an insanely complex plan must be built – it must account for everything… from the amounts and timing of fuel delivery, to roles and positioning of various combat and support elements, to laying out every route, evaluating every contingency scenario, etc. etc. etc.

• IDF had almost no time to prepare for the invasion of Gaza – that was an enormous disadvantage that’s hard to overstate.
• I’m sure Aman maintained a pretty decent picture with respect to Hamas’ capabilities, logistics, infrastructure, etc… but it certainly wasn’t a complete picture. The worst part about having no warning – there’s no time for combat units to rehearse, work out various operational bugs, etc.

Example: Failure to prepare means death. Something as trivial as not getting your radio comms aligned can botch an entire invasion. The Russians got bugged in Ukraine for many reasons – most of them trivial, stupid, detectable, and avoidable. But they simply didn’t bother to prepare. Tank columns would routinely walk into ambushes because the heavy units didn’t have advanced coordination with air assets or even forward elements. They’d walk into an ambush that a single helicopter could easily suppress – but they couldn’t call it in.
Commanders didn’t have the channels or the correct maps to fire support. I saw overwhelming Russian fire power roll into a trivial ambush, stop… and then have no clue what to do (a American (or IDF) force fraction of that size could’ve rolled through that roadside ambush with barely a delay. But they simply never rehearsed this scenario across all the participating elements (many of which were sorta thrown together) – and so the heavies would get bunched up, infantry would dismount and scatter in the wrong direction… some tanks start backing up and then driving into a wrong field for whatever reason – and seemingly no one bothering to even return fire.
I saw an entire heavy armor battalion wiped out by a force of about 5 Ukrainian dudes with a couple Javelins, a couple machine guns, and a radio to a howitzer team a couple miles away.
A big part of preparation is mental. In peacetime, the training we go through is serious… but one never takes it fully seriously… everyone knows we’re play-acting in a way. Preparing for a real war takes time. The reality dawns slowly. It takes time for a unit to properly gel together a new environment, dust off old skills, string them together in rehearsals much closer to reality, and prepare mentality for the idea that you will soon be shot at (even though you can never fully prepare for it).
IDF didn’t have time to prepare and rehearse. Honestly, I was very worried for them. Especially after Oct. 7^th, when it seemed that everyone was asleep at the wheel. I excepted a semi-botched invasion. But they executed about as flawlessly as it gets. Happy to say I was wrong. Someone certainly was asleep at the wheel on Oct 7^th. But broadly speaking, whatever happened on the 7^th woke up the tiny giant. That fearsome little hedgehog that gained a reputation for punching far above its weight is still there – alive and kicking.

• Jumping a bit ahead… I will do a separate post with a deeper dive into results-to-date. But I can tell you this much – the same thing happened to Hamas that happened to Taliban in 2001 (and to Israel’s enemies in the previous wars). A whole lot of hubris, boasting, stupid decisions – the “Allah is on our side” type of idiotic attitude. They didn’t know what was coming. And they got wrecked. IDF stomped them. Hamas isn’t finished – but it’s a shadow of itself at this point. October 7^th was the biggest error that dumpster fire of an organization has ever made.
• I’m sure there will be lots of sympathizing… of the “well of course, since IDF is so big and strong, and Hamas are these tiny little freedom warriors” variety. Nah… nonsense. A force of tens of thousands luring a heavy, slow-moving enemy into a prepared urban battlefield, with fortifications, pre-planned logistics, ammo caches, etc., etc. – those aren’t the “little guys”. Taking the bait with virtually no notice was a dangerous proposition for IDF. But they took the bait and then ate the fisherman.

But I’ll get to this in more detail in a future post.

First order of battle – prepare the battlefield.

“Prepping the battlefield” is the reason you saw the initial strikes on the buildings before the ground elements moved in. It was not a revenge mission, as Qatari propaganda would have you believe. The buildings weren’t targeted randomly. Every target is a part of a thought-out plan. Every seemingly random target has a point – and it’s never random.
For instance,

• There are the “easy” targets – known (or suspected) “offices” of Hamas, warehouses, potential FOBs, motor pools, communication hubs, etc. Any “offices” with “political affiliation” to Hamas that are easily repurposable or can serve as “friendly” rally points for enemy fighters. Etc. etc.
• Then there are the “clear the path” type of targets. For instance…
• Many of the buildings hit prior to the ground invasion were known (or highly likely) exit points above known tunnel systems. In other words, if there is a high degree of probability that the enemy could emerge in the building’s basement, work their way up, and turn the building into a fortified high-point… especially along a route that’s picked to be an MSR – the prudent thing is to bring that building down in advance. Once you get a column of vehicles onto an MSR – it’s not a decision you can undo easily. And a column of supply trucks stuck behind a disabled IFV and taking fire from four different dimensions – that’s a very bad day.
• Some buildings may be chosen to open up observation and fire support lanes prior to friendly convoys moving through… open up potential choke points for perimeter defense, or even choke off potential parallel and flanking routes, etc.

“Anger” or “Revenge” don’t drive these decisions – as I explained earlier, military operates by objective and tactical necessity (and the “boom” you bring upon a building is very, very expensive). These decisions are calculated and each one has a reason behind it.
Think back to the ballet analogy of an invasion. A ballet needs a clean stage. And the city architecture can create massive tripping hazards. Countless hours went into developing an invasion plan, picking routes, and evaluating every foot of the path the invading force would take. The main “tripping hazards” were identified – and the airstrikes then followed to clear the stage before the curtain lifted.
Story time - real life example. A friend of mine was an MP platoon commander assigned to deliver unruly juveniles to a court building in an area that was “questionable”. Same route, predictable schedule, etc. (the local judge refused to leave the courthouse or make scheduling random and we were trying to “win hearts and minds”). In other words – prime opportunity to ambush a bunch of American Humvees. The route itself was tolerable – turn the convoy into an angry hedgehog, pedal to the metal, and have alternate routes mapped out to bypass trouble. But the square with the courthouse was basically tailor-made for trouble… mostly because of the layout and the surrounding architecture.
My buddy, having seen this movie before, decided he was going to change the ending. He gathered the local community “elders” (some local imams or some sh—t)… pointed to the buildings, and explained via a translator that if he (and the kids they’re protecting) take a single shot – he’s calling fire mission on every single building in the square, and the entire neighborhood will cease to exist.
Not that anyone would’ve authorized such a fire mission, unless the neighborhood really came down on them… and he knew that, of course. But he sounded convincing, the “elders” have already witnessed what American fire support looks like, and they decided to take him at his word and oblige. In three months of this idiotic assignment, not a single shot was fired (though other units got harassed within blocks of that particular square on a daily basis.
Back to IDF and the whole “blowing up buildings” thing. IDF entering Gaza simply didn’t have the luxury to negotiate with Gaza “elders” – Hamas are the elders. Putting myself in IDF’s shoes - If I’m entering an area already known to be preparing a nasty “welcome” … and I’m responsible for bringing my 18-19 year old kids home… Well, I’m sending a whole lot of grief at any building that even thinks to cause me trouble. And if I happen to be wrong – honestly... so be it.

• That doesn’t mean I would deliberately blow up a building known to be full of civilians. First… you try to get the populace to clear the area to begin with. If you have doubts – you try to find a different route. But if there isn’t an alternative route, the MSR is the MSR, and I have a supply convoy idling behind and begging to be hit if the forward element sits there another minute too long – well… I wasn’t the one who architected the f-ing place. Sorry, but you’ll have to rebuild.
• Again, I’m not endorsing invading cities… not making moral judgements one way or another… just explaining the reality as it is.
• And no. These decisions don’t ever sit easy. They stay with you for the rest of your life – questions you’ll never know the answers to. But I’ve already addressed this topic.

Who makes these decisions. For planned destruction (rather than dynamic targets… more on those later) – the decisions are made by military intelligence (and then authorized by whichever command structure happens to be responsible for the theatre). It’s a very hard job. Those guys and gals have to go home with those decisions and live with them too. They’ll never tell you about their internal doubts and questions – that’s not what warriors do. But those doubts and questions are there. If you think that it comes easy and it’s just a “video game” for them – you may be the psychopath in this discussion.
(Yeah, yeah… I know… “how can you pity the IDF – they’re not the ones who got their homes blown up”. Again, the point of this post is pragmatic reality – not moral comparisons or judgements. Of course it sucks to have your home blown up. But I’m explaining a soldier’s POV right now).
But at the end of the day – they have a job to do, and it has three parts. Job one – don’t botch the mission. Job two – help your troops stay alive. Job three – don’t use excessive force and look out for civilians. In that order.
Sidenote: There is a map I saw somewhere – an overlay that shows an old map of the known Gaza tunnels and overlay map of IDF aerial strikes. It shows quite clearly that the strikes weren’t random and follow the tunnel network quite closely. If you’ve seen it and know what I’m talking about – please link it.
Clearing Out Civilians. Again, I’m not in IDF. But from what I understand – they went to great lengths to warn the public before dropping bombs on those objectives. For a reference – we didn’t go to nearly such lengths. We didn’t have a database of numbers to call. Very few interpreters, etc. Generally, you’d try to notify the city to clear itself and, after an afforded period, you move in and hope that the civilians were wise enough to believe you. If IDF’s claims of the leaflets, announcements, and the phone calls they made are true (and I have no reason to doubt them) – it’s far above and beyond of what we (the US) ever did and what any other military in the world would do.

• I wouldn’t assign it to some super-humanitarian quality of IDF. Doubt they care about civilians any more or any less than we do. And giving the enemy too much notice doesn’t help your cause either. But it isn’t Israel’s first rodeo and they were well aware of the type of heat they were going to take from the “public opinion” internationally. But I commend them for trying nonetheless – despite whatever unpleasant personal feelings I’m sure many of them hold toward Gazans at the moment.

How to Clear a City

Following the “shock and awe” – the main force moves in. Fast, violent… preferably at night, to punch through to designated rally points by dawn.
Everyone expects contact upon crossing the border but honestly – that almost never happens. For the infantry on the ground – the first few hours are usually just a lot of fear, anticipation but ultimately, boredom… and strained bladders… and the floor full of Gatorade bottles (PSA: if you see a bottle of Yellow Gatorade in a Humvee – don’t drink it).
Clearing Sectors. The city gets mapped into sectors, and the tedious and very dangerous work of clearing the city begins – sector by sector. Street by street. House by house.
Multiple elements may be operating in parallel to each other – on different assignments. And “not shooting each other” can be a challenge of its own – something to always keep in mind.
The basic idea is – you move into enemy’s neighborhood, essentially announcing “I’m in your house and I’m going to take it – come and stop me”. The forward elements go in, quite literally looking to slug it out with the bravest of the Jihadis.
It’s nothing like the movies, where some badass-looking special operators swoop in and kill everybody. That does happen of course, occasionally and at night – specialized teams will do point raids when a VIP target is identified (or some other compelling reason).
But mostly, you enter a neighborhood with brute force. Lots of big guns and even more rifles. Multiple houses will be getting cleared at the same time by multiple teams, with snipers watching overhead, big guns watching the streets outside, and blocking elements positioning themselves to intercept rabbits.
You never know what’s going to wait for you at a new place. It may seem quiet, but waiting to explode in an ambush. Sometimes, a strong point will be waiting for you, with an immediate greeting upon arrival – but that’s a suicidal proposition for them almost always. If that doesn’t happen – you should expect some nasty surprises when you start entering houses.
Sometimes, absolutely nothing happens – the neighborhood is quite like a church morning in a village and stays that way the entire time you’re there. But that’s not a relief – the next emotion is usually dread.
Clearing homes in an area you know to be trouble is about as terrifying of a job an infantryman can get. Over time, you develop a sixth sense for things – you can sorta tell what’s going to wait for you in the house.
We have certain tools to help with that as well… as well as plenty of advanced surveillance that will spot traffic in and out of a house long before you show up.
Aerial surveillance also helps us know what to expect upon arrival to a new sector (though it’s far from perfect). But, it’s much different for the IDF. I imagine that a tunnel exiting directly into a house will render any surveillance-based assumptions useless.
Sometimes, that sixth sense… the gut feeling tells you that this house will be bad. But the gut is often wrong, of course. And when your gut is wrong but it’s still talking to you – one of the scariest things in the world is that one last door left to be checked in the bedroom. Remember the fear of closet monsters when you were a kid? Yeah… now picture the tricks your imagination can play when closet monsters in that neighborhood come with explosives.

Why Tunnels are Important

• Tunnels add a fourth-dimension to an already nerve-wrecking environment.
• First, you lose your “eyes” on the sector in advance – effectively, you’re arriving blind, because surveillance can’t pick up enemy traffic moving into defensive positions when they arrive underground
• The dimension itself is simply unintuitive. An infantryman is used to scanning for enemy horizontally and vertically. They’re used to watching their step. They’re used to treating a random pile of garbage as potentially explosive. What they’re not used to is that pile of garbage being a potential tunnel exit that an RPG team pops up from behind you. We’re used to avoiding random piles of garbage and moving on – letting EOD deal with sh*t later. But IDF has to check every pile of garbage, lift every random piece of plywood, look under every bathtub in every house. Lift every rug. Stomp on every part of the floor. Basically – it’s f---king hell.
• When you discover a tunnel – it’s a whole different pain in the rear. Infantry isn’t trained in dealing with tunnels. They basically have to mark them and remain stationary until the tunnel “specialists” arrive. The idea of sector-by-sector clearing is that, once you clear it, you can declare it safe and move on. But when there is an active tunnel with an exist point behind you – there is nothing safe about that sector even if it’s quiet at the moment. And sitting idle in a neighborhood waiting to clear a tunnel certainly isn’t ideal in an urban operation where things are quite…uhm…dynamic.

What do you Do with Civilians?

• Civilians, in the meantime, get moved around. It’s not a pleasant experience – you try to treat them gently, but the resulting effect can still resemble more cattle than human. It’s particularly challenging, since there really isn’t a way for them to exit Gaza.
• What you’re doing is for their own benefit - the goal is to move them out of the harm’s way and (occasionally, depending on location and whether the nearest unit has the time and capacity) – round up the fighting age males for identification.
• In all reality, the action moves block by block. Setting up “checkpoints” in an active kill zone is not just ineffective – it would actively put civilians in harm’s way. Checkpoints do get set – but in areas that are more or less quiet and clear. Hamas would happily target soldiers who are distracted in a crowd of Palestinian civilians.
• And then there’s the usual propaganda – I lost count of how many videos I’ve seen claiming that IDF fired upon civilians, when it’s quite clear that either (a) civilians got caught-up in a Hamas attack on IDF or (b) militants just straight-up shot up a bunch of civilians to prevent them from following an evacuation route.

On the Enemy

I could say many things on Hamas in terms of violent Islamism, their perverse beliefs, the f-ed up “moral” code of such groups. But I’ll set that aside and speak of Hamas (based on experience with similar groups) purely in terms of their effectiveness and competence.

• Ultimately, it’s an army of thugs. Rooted in boastfulness, peer pressure, etc.
• The overall ideology has a strong effect on the group. But its “strength” is based mainly on the group dynamic. Once the group dynamic is destroyed, the leadership is dead, and there is no one to witness or attest to “less-than-honorable” actions of individuals – it turns out that the “ideological” beliefs of many weren’t held all that deeply.
• They will run. They will hide. They will blend in.
• They’re quite good at things that we’d call “terrorism”… or just pure thugishnes.
• There is also the element of most fighters being young men. Young men feel invincible. Add to that a whole lot of peer pressure, the culture of “honor” (their definition of it), and just the general excitement young men fell when causing mischief. What you get is a rather annoying force of guerilla fighters. They certainly aren’t “good”… not even “effective” in terms of the damage such “guerilla” tactics cause. But they’re definitely effective in that they can tie-up a unit in an unnecessary, pointless fights. And they’ll do it with the energy and carelessness of youth – until the circumstances catch up with them. And after that happens – often there isn’t any of them left alive to serve as caution to others.
• There is of course the whole idea of “martyrdom”, etc. It’s certainly a powerful force. But it’s a much more of an obscure concept to these young men – dying isn’t something most of them actively seek… despite all the boastfulness.

Why are There So Many Naked Dudes in their Underwear?

You’ve all seen pics of Palestinian men being paraded around in their underwear. The most hilarious “explanation” that I’ve seen is that it’s a “form of sexual torture” by the IDF.
First of… if that’s what you think – (a) you’re a bit… uhm… weird; and (b) no soldier… I don’t care if it’s the gayest dude who prances around in fairy outfits on weekends– no soldier actually wants to see this sh---t. It’s gross. They’re sweaty, scared, and pathetic. And (y’all seen the pictures) – usually, there isn’t much impressive to look at.
So… why? For the same exact reason prisoners get stripped down upon reporting to prison. And those reasons are much more amplified in a war zone. They are MEN of FIGHTING AGE in an ACTIVE COMBAT ZONE. Any number of them are for sure (100%) Hamas or affiliated with Hamas. That much is a fact. But an IDF soldier in an area that’s still hot with enemy activity has no tools to distinguish whether it’s an innocent civilian or someone who really shouldn’t be released.
Hence, all of them will be sent back for further investigation. They’re identity will be cross-checked with known databases of Hamas memberships. Their social media will probably be checked. Etc. Etc.
Why are they naked? Because when a dude walks up on you in a hostile area – you yell at him to stop, strip down at a distance, and do a 360 presentation of his gut and sweaty *ss crack for you. Yeah – it’s as gross as it sounds. The main fear is obvious - explosives and concealed weapons.
Eventually, they approach, get cuffed, blindfolded, and wait around for transport. And yeah… they stay in their underwear… because no soldier is going to volunteer to go collect gross, sweaty clothes for a bunch of random dudes and then try to figure out to whom each pair of pants belongs to. Sorry… but there are more important things to do when you’re collecting prisoners in an open yard in a neighborhood that was shooting at you 20 minutes ago. If you think there is anything “sexual” about it – you should probably see a psychiatrist.

Defining a “Combatant”

Defining a militant is difficult – some will be proper combatants. Others – just kids joining in the stupid excitement of violence.

• Militants mostly move around in civilian clothes and empty-handed. By now, they know we can see them.
• Weapons are usually stored in known caches with plenty of ammo. IDF is finding them in houses on practically every street, from what I hear.
• That was the same MO in Afghanistan - farmers routinely would come down and claim that we killed “innocent kids” overnight. Nevermind our thermal footage of those “kids” and their 7.62 toys.
• Civilians, especially boys, can sometimes join the madness. Are they innocent? Well, fundamentally, of course they are – they’re kids. But things aren’t that simple in a combat zone. Those kids don’t just decide to pick-up rocks on their own. Where they grow up – the coolest guys in the neighborhood are the tough jihadis. The kids flock to them, run errands for them. When things get hot – the kids run surveillance for them, bring supplies. Quite often, the kids will assist in setting up IEDs.
• For instance, In many places we were in – the “specialist” who knows how to wire an IED is a VIP of sorts. And they’re familiar with our surveillance. So, an IED setup is a process – where civilians, often just kids, would be used to test our surveillance of the area. “Here is a shovel, kid… go dig a hole over on the other side of the street while we wait here to see if they infidels’ snipers have eyes on the street”.
• And sometimes, in the middle of a fight, those kids also decide to make an appearance. Of course, you don’t target the kids if you can help it. But say you round a corner... ready for a surprise – and there is something flying toward your face. That person will probably be dead before you even have a chance to recognize that it’s a kid.
• Of course, to a well-adjusted civilian, the idea of shooting a kid “over a rock” sounds insane. And it is. No one wants to shoot a kid over a rock. But when you’re stuck on a street that’s become a bullet funnel from a few blocks down, and someone keeps peeking in from the alley splitting the street and tossing things at you – most soldiers aren’t inclined to sit around to find out whether it’s a rock or a grenade.

How Most Civilian Casualties Happen.

The social media would have you believe that the initial bombing campaign was indiscriminate and that’s how most civilian casualties occurred. In reality, most civilians are killed in what’s called “dynamic” targeting.

• Majority of civilian casualties will come from “dynamic targets”. Those are the buildings that weren’t targeted initially for destruction – the initial goal is to simply clear them. But if the enemy happens to get to the building first and IDF takes fire, eventually (after certain back and forth) the building will be targeted for an airstrike. These are dynamic targets that emerge unplanned, Aman has little to no intel on them, and the air assets can’t see if there are civilians hiding in the basement. After some time, they will drop a bomb on the building and move on (as they should and as any other military would do).
• I remember seeing a good thread on Twitter that showed how a neighborhood comes to being destroyed. It starts with pictures and background on a wealthy, upscale development in Gaza. Then shows the videos of IDF trying to move through the neighborhood and foot-mobile fire teams, trying to clear it building-by-building. Hamas, however, fortified the neighborhood, puts up a fight, and ultimately, IDF runs out of options to clear it safely. Eventually, fire missions are called in and the development ceases to exist. Not because IDF was intent to destroy it – they tried to save it. But ultimately, those IDF kids want to go home too… preferably not in body bags.

.....It's just one example. I wasn’t there personally, but it rings true. Because that’s how these things typically play out in my experience. If you know the twitter thread I’m talking about – please share a link if you can find it.
Ok... that was a lot. I plan on doing more posts. Things I plan to address:

1. Looking at the results so far
   
2. Tips for analyzing what you see on social media
   

I've also got some good questions I'm going to address:

1. A question about "proportionality"
   
2. A question on telling the difference between good-faith attempt to minimize casualties and disproportionate violence and war crimes.
   
3. How do we know if IDF are following the professional moral code?
   
4. Thoughts on the recent arrest warrants issued.
   

If you have any other questions you'd like me to address - send them my way. Peace!

Hi, not sure if I officially have frozen shoulder, but it sounds really similar to my condition, and I found this place, so I've decided to just share my story to get it out and see if anyone relates, or has any suggestions by chance.
So, almost a year ago I had a bike crash, in which I fractured and dislocated my left shoulder, and I did go to the emergency room but unfortunately I was in a foreign country and the doctor who saw me completely missed the diagnosis of dislocated shoulder somehow. He just said it was fractured and put it in a sling, and I ended up walking around like that for 2 months, dislocated. I couldn't move it anyway due to the fracture, and this doctor told me there was no dislocation, I just accepted it. I did have the intuition that something still felt "wrong" but I didn't know what else to do because that was the treatment I had been given at the time.
So after about 2 months I was fully convinced something was wrong because a fracture would be healed by then. So I went to an orthopedic surgeon, finally got the daignosis of dislocation, but after MRIs the surgeon decided I will need a total shoulder replacement, because my humerus was beginning to undergo bone death.
I had the surgery last september, was in a sling for about 7 weeks again after that, and started physical therapy 3 weeks after surgery.
In the first ~3 months of physical therapy, there was clear progression from my arm being nearly stuck straight down at my side, to being able to lift straight out to the front and the side, and have some degree or rotation but still much less than the other side. So I was pretty optimistic.
However, at this point it's been 8 months of physical therapy and my range of motion improvement has really slowed down and is still a lot less than my other side. When I look at videos of "frozen shoulder"... my range of motion looks exactly like that. My arm can reach straight out to the front or to the side (no higher), and rotation can happen but also can't reach very far behind me (basically to the middle of my butt only), nor can I externally rotate out to the side enough to do a vertical "waving" motion. Trying to push past this range just hurts way too much to keep going, and my shoulder blade starts to compensate if I really force it.
So even though the way this started for me was through an acute injury followed by a surgery, the symptoms and outcome so far look and feel just like "frozen shoulder". What lead me here to this subreddit was that my physical therapist keeps bringing up the possibility of manipulation under anesthesia, and saying I need to break up the scar tissue in my shoulder, and when I googled the procedure I found out about frozen shoulder as its own condition.
I did ask my surgeon about MUA and I don't think she wanted to do it... I guess because I already had the shoulder replacement and that means my shoulder might be more fragile than a regular shoulder? But after so many months of slow progress I don't know what other options I have. I will also add that physical therapy is extremely painful almost every time. It's been really hard to deal with and I leave feeling exhausted every time I go which is twice a week.
If you read through all of this, thanks for reading, and I hope all of your frozen shoulders see some improvement!

I was listening to an interview with Nic Pizzolatto by Dan Harmon of all people at the Banff World Media Festival in 2014, where I was struck by a comment Nic made about Rust, almost off-handedly in the context of their conversation, that “Rust’s complaint is essentially Job’s complaint, which is that if you believe in a personal God who has a destiny for everyone, well then you’re just a character in his story, and Job’s complaint is ‘I am a character in a story, and I do not like this story, and I do not like the limitations of my character.’” (He says this at around 35 minutes in the linked video).
This got me thinking if the connections between Rust and Job are even greater than Nic let on in the interview, and after examining Season 1 of True Detective and the biblical Book of Job line up in interesting ways. The Book of Job can essentially be broken up into four main parts. In the first part, God agrees to allow Satan to effectively inflict just about every misfortune imaginable on Job, causing him to lose his family, his home, his wealth, and his health, becoming sickly and covered in boils, which causes Job to curse the day he was born and the night he was conceived. In the second part, which covers the vast majority of the book, Job speaks with his friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, in which he accuses God of being angry and malevolent and criticizes God for allowing injustice and evil to exist in the world. In the third part, God speaks to Job in “the whirlwind,” where he asserts his infinite wisdom but notably does not refute Job’s earlier arguments. In the fourth part, Job recants his accusations against God, noting his own weakness and lack of knowledge in the face of God, and regains much of what he originally lost.
I think this structure maps well onto Rust’s character arc. Like Job, Rust is stricken with tragedy that essentially leads him to resent his existence. Through the death of his daughter and the subsequent dissolution of his marriage, Rust comes to adopt a pessimistic and notably antinatalist philosophy. To him, to be born into this world is a tragedy, to be “a soul ripped from non-existence into this meat,” and that humanity should “stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction.” This I think closely tracks the tragedies that befell Job, and Job’s subsequent declaration “Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it is said, There is a man child conceived.” (Job 3:3)
The second part of the Book of Job also tracks the events of Season 1. Notably, Job and Rust both have three confidants in which they disclose their philosophies. Job has Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, while Rust has Marty and Detectives Papania and Gilbrough. Job’s and Rust’s philosophies are slightly different. Job’s argument is essentially the “problem of evil,” that is, if God exists and is both all-powerful and benevolent, then evil should not exist in the world, yet it does. Rust’s philosophy, on the other hand, is that human consciousness is a mistake and that life is objectively not worth living, yet we are “programmed” to convince ourselves to find meaning in life and reasons to preserve our existence. However, both Job and Rust are similar in that they spend much of their respective stories trying to convince their three confidants that their beliefs are mistaken and any happiness they may feel in their lives is a delusion.
I’ll skip the third part of the Book of Job for now and move on to the fourth part. At the end of both of their stories, both Job and Rust recant their previous beliefs. Job explicitly recants his previous beliefs to God (Job 42:6), while Rust’s retraction is implied. Season 1 never tells us exactly what Rust believes at the end of the season, but he makes two statements to Marty in the parking lot that contradict his earlier beliefs. Rust tells Marty that he met his father and his daughter in the afterlife and that he was briefly dead, which contradicts his many statements prior that show a lack of belief in any sort of consciousness existing beyond death. In fact, he saw death as a merciful escape from the pain of human consciousness. Secondly, he states that “in the beginning there was only darkness; to me, it looks like the light’s winning.” In addition to be an allusion to Genesis 1:2-3 (“The earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.”), Rust’s statement shows his new belief that humanity can actively improve its circumstances and that light can triumph over darkness, something I think Rust actually believed all along given his numerous selfless actions throughout the story but was unable to admit to himself because of his trauma. The show does not tell us if Rust has become Christian or if he previously had a faith, lost it, and then regained it, or if he has adopted some other form of spirituality, but I think it is clear that he is not a philosophical pessimist anymore.
This brings us to the third part of the Book of Job, which is where I think Rust’s hallucinations come in. Rust has four hallucinations that we see throughout Season 1. His first hallucination in Episode 2, where he sees floaters and strange lights around him while driving, I do not think has any significance and is merely meant to introduce us to the fact that Rust suffers from HPPD. His next three hallucinations, however, I think hold greater significance.
Rust’s second hallucination is of clouds pulsing and moving rapidly and ominously in the atmosphere. In the Book of Job, God speaks to Job through “the whirlwind,” which appears in Hebrew as “ha’se’arah,” which can also be translated as “the storm,” “the tempest,” or “the hurricane.” While there is not a precise Hebrew to English translation, it is clear that God is speaking to Job through some manner of meteorological phenomenon. As such, Rust hallucinating the pulsing lights in the clouds I think is significant.
Rust’s third hallucination occurs at the end of Episode 2, where he sees a flock of birds take the shape of a spiral prior to searching the abandoned church in Eunice. The spiral is of course the spiral used by the cult and Errol Childress, however, I think the spiral is not a spiral but a “whirlwind” or perhaps a “hurricane” given that the story takes place in Louisiana. In Episode 2, this whirlwind symbol, its nature further shown by the circular movement of the birds, leads Rust to important information about the case and the cult. I think it is important to note that Rust, who up until this point and for much of the season afterward is dismissive of any sort of spirituality or mysticism, notes to Papania and Gilbrough that he is not sure if he is “losing his mind” or “mainlining the secret truth of the universe,” or in other words having divine or at least otherworldly revelations through his hallucinations.
As an aside, I think there is some circumstantial evidence that the spiral/whirlwind is representative of God in the beliefs of the cult. We don’t get much information on what the cult actually believes, but some comments made by Rust in Episode 7 imply that the cult’s beliefs are somewhat derivative of Christianity. Rust refers to early cultists as having “a real rural sense of Mardi Gras,” referring to the last Tuesday before the Christian season of Lent, and the cult being “mixed up with voodoo and Santeria,” referring to two syncretic religions that have adopted aspects of Christianity. It also makes sense that the cult would worship a “god,” and that the spiral/whirlwind is likely symbolic of this god. (I’m also assuming that the works of Robert W. Chambers do not exist in the True Detective universe and that the “Yellow King” and “Carcosa” are genuine inventions of the cult. The cult is implied to be older than when Chambers wrote The King in Yellow in 1895, and if Chambers’ works did exist in-universe, I think Rust, Mr. Psychosphere, would have made the connection immediately and yet he never did.)
Furthermore, I think it makes sense that the spiral/whirlwind could represent the case as a whole. In other words, as God spoke to Job through the whirlwind, God could be speaking to Rust through the case itself. After all, it is by confronting the cult and apprehending Erroll that Rust ultimately comes to reject pessimism by the end of the story. This could also explain why Nic got so touchy about references to the spiral/whirlwind in Season 4, because in that context, they are divorced from their symbolic meaning to Rust and thus nonsensical.
For those unconvinced, I present a smoking gun: Rust’s fourth hallucination occurs during his final confrontation with Erroll in Carcosa, where he sees what appears to be literal circulating clouds, that is, a storm or a whirlwind. I think it is significant that this whirlwind is the final thing Rust sees before his fight with Erroll and his subsequent injury and coma, wherein he claims to have met the souls of his dead father and daughter. It is perhaps the final moment where Rust still operates under his pessimist philosophy, as after waking from his coma, he is a changed person.
Thank you to anyone who actually read all of this. I’m not sure if I’m losing my mind or mainlining the secret truth of True Detective Season 1.

N.B.: I'm mainly looking for the games listed in the title and at the bottom of the thread. Feel free to post other offers, but if I haven't responded to your comment(s) by my next posting, I likely wasn't able to find a trade that interested me.
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For sale (for Steam Gift Cards or gifted Steam Wallet balance):
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• Dark Souls™: Prepare To Die™ Edition (removed from Steam Store; $350 $400 or best offer)
• Fall Guys (removed from Steam Store)
• Fall Guys - Dragon Hugger Pack (removed from Steam Store)
• Fall Guys - Icy Adventure Pack (removed from Steam Store)
• Marvel's Avengers - The Definitive Edition (removed from Steam Store)
• Spec Ops: The Line (removed from Steam Store)

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• Humble Hunie Sakura Bundle (can also trade for a full "charity" bundle (Australia Fire Relief Bundle or similar))
• Humble Sekai Project Bundle (can also trade for a full "charity" bundle (Stand with Ukraine Bundle or similar))

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For trade:
*signifies that a game is tentatively up for trade, assuming I buy the bundle
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• Nioh 2 – The Complete Edition
• Soulstice
• Warhammer Age of Sigmar: Realms of Ruin – Ultimate Edition

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• A Little to the Left
• Black Book

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• Superliminal
• The Talos Principle Gold Edition
• The Witness

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• Destroy All Humans! 2 - Reprobed
• Life is Strange: True Colors
• Scorn
• There Is No Light: Enhanced Edition

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• Hellpoint
• Remnant: From the Ashes
• Tails of Iron

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• Hell Pie
• OTXO
• The Red Lantern
• Twin Mirror

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• Arkham Horror: Mother's Embrace
• Blood Rage: Digital Edition
• Gloomhaven - Solo Scenarios: Mercenary Challenges
• Small World
• Small World - A Spider's Web
• Small World - Be not Afraid...
• Small World - Cursed!
• Small World - Grand Dames
• Small World - Royal Bonus
• Splendor
• Splendor - The Cities
• Splendor - The Strongholds
• Splendor - The Trading Posts
• Terraforming Mars

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• A Short Hike(?)
• A Story Beside(?)
• Aces & Adventures(?)
• Arcade Spirits(?)
• Battlestar Galactica Deadlock(?)
• Beyond Blue(?)
• Cat Quest(?)
• Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!(?)
• EARTHLOCK(?)
• Harmony's Odyssey(?)
• Homeworld Remastered Collection(?)
• Lacuna – A Sci-Fi Noir Adventure(?)
• Minecraft: Java Edition - MCC Island Jingle Jam Rewards Pack(?)
• Monster Prom(?)
• Sifu Deluxe Cosmetic Pack(?)
• Spirit of the Island(?)
• SUPERHOT(?)
• Tinytopia(?)
• Toodee and Topdee(?)
• Train Valley 2(?)
• Turbo Golf Racing(?)
• Valthirian Arc: Hero School Story(?)
• Xenonauts(?)

​

• Angry Birds VR: Isle of Pigs

​

• Dark Deity
• Edge Of Eternity
• Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising

​

• CRYPTARK
• Dead Estate
• Paint the Town Red

​

• Lost Castle
• My Time At Portia

​

• Toodee and Topdee

​

• WWE 2K23

​

• Chivalry 2
• Disco Elysium - The Final Cut
• The Forgotten City
• GRIME
• Spiritfarer®: Farewell Edition

​

• Back 4 Blood
• Batman: Arkham Asylum Game of the Year Edition
• Batman: Arkham City - Game of the Year Edition
• Batman: Arkham Knight Premium Edition
• Batman™: Arkham Origins
• Injustice 2 Legendary Edition
• Mad Max
• Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition
• Middle-earth: Shadow of War Definitive Edition
• Mortal Kombat 11
• Mortal Kombat 11 Ultimate Add-On Bundle
• Mortal Kombat XL

​

• Alan Wake Collector's Edition
• Bendy and the Dark Revival
• Pathologic 2

​

• CODE VEIN
• .hack//G.U. Last Recode
• Katamari Damacy REROLL
• TEKKEN 7

​

• A Juggler's Tale
• Spirit of the Island

​

• Boomerang Fu
• PlateUp!
• ROUNDS
• Stick Fight: The Game
• Ultimate Chicken Horse

​

• Fae Tactics
• Flynn: Son of Crimson
• Ikenfell
• Ring of Pain
• Void Bastards

​

• After the Fall® - Deluxe Edition
• Zero Caliber VR

​

• Patch Quest

​

• Five Dates
• Late Shift

​

• Demon Turf
• Pumpkin Jack

​

• Trover Saves the Universe

​

• Coromon
• The Dungeon Of Naheulbeuk: The Amulet Of Chaos
• Jack Move

​

• Road 96
• SuchArt: Genius Artist Simulator

​

• A Short Hike

​

• Cloudpunk
• Ghostrunner
• Severed Steel

​

• Eternal Threads
• Turbo Golf Racing

​

• Lethal League Blaze
• OlliOlli World
• WWE 2K BATTLEGROUNDS

​

• Dragon Fist: VR Kung Fu
• The Walking Dead: Saints & Sinners

​

• Celeste

​

• Blasphemous
• Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night
• Hollow Knight

​

• Behind the Frame: The Finest Scenery

​

• Bionic Commando: Rearmed
• Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen
• Lost Planet 3 - Complete
• Mega Man Legacy Collection
• STRIDER™ / ストライダー飛竜®

​

• Aground
• Calico
• Evan's Remains
• StarCrossed
• Teacup

​

• Into the Radius VR

​

• Aliens: Fireteam Elite
• Founders' Fortune
• Monster Prom 2: Monster Camp

​

• Nomad Survival
• Scarlet Tower

​

• The Citadel
• Viscerafest
• WRATH: Aeon of Ruin

​

• The Blackout Club

​

• BIOMUTANT
• Edge Of Eternity
• Golden Light

​

• Call of the Sea
• Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

​

• 112 Operator
• 911 Operator
• The Amazing American Circus
• Armello
• Backbone
• Calico
• Euro Truck Simulator 2
• Farming Simulator 17
• Ghostrunner
• Guilty Gear X2 #Reload
• Lust from Beyond: M Edition
• Monaco: What's Yours Is Mine
• Orbital Racer
• Pathfinder: Kingmaker - Enhanced Plus Edition
• PAYDAY 2
• Pilgrims
• Soulblight
• Space Crew: Legendary Edition
• Starfinder Core Rulebook (Paizo key) and Starfinder Adventure: Junker's Delight (Paizo key)
• Strange Brigade
• Stygian: Reign of the Old Ones
• System Shock 2
• System Shock: Enhanced Edition
• Ticket to Ride
• XCOM® 2
• X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack

​

• Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game
• Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
• Othercide
• Shady Part of Me

​

• The Last Campfire

​

• Sakura Swim Club

​

• Summer in Mara
• Townscaper

​

• The Long Dark: Survival Edition

​

• Stranded Sails - Explorers of the Cursed Islands

​

• Conan Chop Chop
• Grow: Song of the Evertree

​

• Styx: Shards of Darkness

​

• Hard West
• John Wick Hex
• Phantom Doctrine
• Red Solstice 2: Survivors

​

• Arizona Sunshine

​

• Backbone
• Blade Assault
• First Class Trouble
• Super Magbot

​

• Golf Gang
• Maid of Sker

​

• Vampire: The Masquerade - Coteries of New York
• Vampire: The Masquerade - Shadows of New York
• Werewolf: The Apocalypse — Heart of the Forest

​

• Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl

​

• Crown Trick

​

• Guts and Glory
• Hello Neighbor

​

• Day of the Tentacle Remastered
• Grim Fandango Remastered
• STAR WARS®: Knights of the Old Republic™ II

​

• Duke Nukem Forever
• PGA TOUR 2K21
• WWE 2K Battlegrounds

​

• In Sound Mind

​

• Little Big Workshop
• Not Tonight

​

• Brigador Deluxe Edition
• Verdun

​

• Resident Evil 0
• Resident Evil 6
• Resident Evil

​

• EVERSPACE™

​

• Cultist Simulator
• GWENT: The Witcher Card Game - Ultimate Starter Pack (GOG key)

​

• The LEGO® NINJAGO® Movie Video Game

​

• Legend of Keepers: Career of a Dungeon Manager
• Legion TD 2 - Multiplayer Tower Defense

​

• STAR WARS™: Squadrons (Origin key)(?)

​

• Bionic Commando
• Street Fighter V

​

• As Far As The Eye
• Impulsion

​

• Orcs Must Die! 2 - Complete Pack

​

• Bartlow's Dread Machine

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• Blaston

​

• White Day: A Labyrinth Named School

​

• The Walking Dead

​

• Total Tank Simulator

​

• Archangel: Hellfire - Fully Loaded

​

• XCOM® 2

​

• Black The Fall
• Goetia

​

• Among the Sleep - Enhanced Edition

​

• Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
• This War of Mine

​

• Tom Clancy's The Division™ (Uplay key)
• Tom Clancy's The Division™ - Survival (Uplay key)

​

• Highway Blossoms
• HunieCam Studio
• KARAKARA
• Sunrider Academy
• Sunrider: Liberation Day - Captain's Edition

​

• A Kiss For the Petals - Remembering How We Met

​

• Hacknet
• Satellite Reign

​

• The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing: Final Cut

​

• The Elder Scrolls: Legends: 2 Card Packs (Skyrim) 1 Event Ticket 100 Gold 100 Souls
• ESO Vanity Pet: Bristlegut Piglet and 15 Days of ESO Plus

​

• Ame no Marginal -Rain Marginal-
• KARAKARA
• Memory's Dogma CODE:01
• Narcissu 10th Anniversary Anthology Project
• Narcissu 10th Anniversary Anthology Project - Season Pass

​

• A Kiss For the Petals - Remembering How We Met
• Sakura Angels
• Beach Bounce
• Beach Bounce - Soundtrack
• Blue Rose

​

• Lionessy Story
• My Personal Angel
• Natural - Beyond Nature -
• Postmen Of Horizon (removed from Steam Store)

​

• The Reject Demon: Toko Chapter 0 — Prelude

​

• Koi-Koi Japan [Hanafuda playing cards]
• Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle
• Mahjong Pretty Girls Battle : School Girls Edition
• Poker Pretty Girls Battle: Texas Hold'em
• Pretty Girls Mahjong Solitaire

​

• Guns of Icarus Alliance
• Guns of Icarus Online
• Impossible Creatures Steam Edition
• Lethal League
• Tempest: Pirate Action RPG
• Tempest - Treasure Lands
• Tempest - Original Soundtrack
• Warhammer 40,000: Space Wolf
• Warhammer: End Times - Vermintide

​

• Tenta Shooter
• Gun Gun Pixies
• DUSK
• For The King
• Book of Demons
• PlateUp!
• Kingdom Two Crowns
• White Day: A Labyrinth Named School
• Warhammer 40,000: Gladius - Relics of War
• Chivalry: Medieval Warfare
• Steel Rats™
• Hue
• Sifu Deluxe Edition Upgrade Bundle (Epic key)
• Gal*Gun: Double Peace
• The Invisible Hours
• Synergia
• ROCKETRON
• Project Nimbus: Complete Edition
• Dead Age
• Spirit Hunter: NG
• Slain: Back from Hell(?)
• Cook, Serve, Delicious!
• Tower of Time
• Danger Scavenger
• Survive the Nights
• Valfaris
• Nongunz: Doppelganger Edition
• This War of Mine

​

• Knights of Pen and Paper +1 Edition
• Knights of Pen and Paper 2 - Here Be Dragons

​

• 112 Operator
• 911 Operator
• Book of Demons
• Broken Age
• Brothers - A Tale of Two Sons
• Crying Suns
• Crying Suns
• Dear Esther: Landmark Edition
• Driftland: The Magic Revival
• Liberated (GOG key)
• Moon Hunters
• Out of Reach: Treasure Royale
• Wanderlust: Travel Stories (GOG key)
• WARSAW
• X-Morph: Defense + European Assault, Survival of the Fittest, and Last Bastion DLC (I believe this redeems as the linked Complete Pack, minus the soundtrack)
• ΔV: Rings of Saturn(?)

​

• Arcade Paradise
• Calico
• Say No! More
• Fallout: A Post Nuclear Role Playing Game
• Fobia - St. Dinfna Hotel
• Phoenix Point: Year One Edition
• Deliver Us The Moon
• Morkredd
• Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos
• Spirit Hunter: NG
• Survivalist: Invisible Strain
• Warhammer: Vermintide 2
• ENDLESS™ Space 2
• Surviving the Aftermath
• The Long Dark

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• Duck Game
• SCP: Secret Files
• WWE 2K23
• The Jackbox Party Pack
• Outward (redeems as the base game only, not the linked Definitive Edition)
• Outward - The Soroboreans
• Outward Soundtrack
• Blade Assault
• Founders' Fortune
• Hokko Life
• Monster Crown
• Othercide
• Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous - Enhanced Edition
• ScourgeBringer
• Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey
• HOT WHEELS UNLEASHED™
• Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition
• Sonic CD (removed from Steam Store)
• LEGO® Harry Potter: Years 1-4
• LEGO® Harry Potter: Years 5-7
• STRIDER™ / ストライダー飛竜®
• Bionic Commando
• Full Metal Furies
• Ultra Street Fighter® IV
• Starbound
• Mafia III: Sign of the Times
• BioShock 2
• Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor Game of the Year Edition
• Sherlock Holmes: The Devil's Daughter
• The Mean Greens - Plastic Warfare
• Crusaders of the Lost Idols Legendary Starter Pack
• Project CARS (removed from Steam Store)

​
WANT:
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• 5D Chess With Multiverse Time Travel
• art of rally
• Astebreed: Definitive Edition
• Avernum: Escape from the Pit
• BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger
• Cornucopia
• CrossCode
• Dead Rising 4
• Dungreed
• Mega Man X Legacy Collection 2
• Mega Man Zero/ZX Legacy Collection
• Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition
• Myst (2021)
• NBA 2K23
• NECROPOLIS: BRUTAL EDITION
• Omensight: Definitive Edition
• OPUS: Echo of Starsong - Full Bloom Edition
• OPUS: Rocket of Whispers
• OPUS: The Day We Found Earth
• Power Rangers: Battle for the Grid
• RAGE
• Resident Evil Village
• The Jackbox Party Pack 5
• The Jackbox Party Pack 6
• The Jackbox Party Pack 7
• Wonder Boy: The Dragon's Trap
• Zombie Army 4: Dead War

​

• any extra copies of WWE 2K23

​
IGS Rep Page: https://www.reddit.com/IGSRep/comments/ti26nz/mizznos_igs_rep_page/

Species: cat
Age: ~9 years old
Sex/Neuter status: spayed female
Breed: domestic longhair
Body weight: 12.5 pounds
History: 5 teeth extracted on April 30th, 4 premolars and 1 canine tooth. I believe all or most were on the same side. I think 3 of the premolars were from the bottom of her mouth but I am not 100% sure because I can't get a good look at her mouth. I tried to get her mouth open today to look and heard a popping sound when her mouth opened so I let go and decided not to try again. She didn't yelp or look like I hurt her so I don't know what that noise was.
I have requested X-rays from the clinic that did the procedure (not my normal vet's office but was referred there by my vet) but they are having computer issues right now. I do have the x-rays from my normal vet who did a cleaning on April 25th, I will include those below.
She was given Onsior and Nocita injections for pain at the time of surgery. After those wore off, I noticed she was in pain and requested pain medication from my normal vet. She was given gabapentin and took 50mg twice a day for a week and a half.
She had a follow up at the 2 week mark at my normal vet's office but with a relief vet I had never seen before. She looked at her mouth and said that everything was healing nicely and saw no need for additional pain medication so she has been off pain meds since then.
Clinical signs: I still notice her dropping food to eat off the floor, jerking and turning her head to the side at times, some minor facial twitches, and she gets wide eyed and her jaw quivers sometimes if someone give her chin scritches on the lower right side of her face.
Her jawbone feels different on the side, like there's a divot in it compared to the solid jawbone on the other side. I'm not sure if that's normal.
She is also diabetic and her blood sugar rose after taking her off gabapentin and has continued to stay higher than usual for her. I understand that gabapentin can affect blood sugar so maybe that's not related but I figured it was worth mentioning because I know pain can increase blood sugar as well.
Duration: 3+ weeks
Your general location: Midwest USA
Links to test results, X-rays, vet reports etc:
x-rays taken by my vet 5 days before extractions https://imgur.com/a/aVqK9Sp
Video showing the "wide eyed" look she gets when you touch near the jaw where the most teeth were removed: https://i.imgur.com/f5ktrOZ.mp4
Video showing a slight quiver in her jaw and her pulling away: https://i.imgur.com/eRIrHkw.mp4 (slowed down version immediately after the real time version)
Video showing the twitching: https://i.imgur.com/lrdGhgs.mp4 - this was taken 3-4 days after the extractions, it's gotten much less common and doesn't happen as long now

Occupation: Investment Professional
Industry: Finance
Age: 27
Location: California
Pronouns: She/her
Assets & Debt:
Assets: $943,000 in total: $17,000 in cash checking/savings. $171,000 in a 401(K) from my prior job. $36,000 in IRAs. $680,000 in my brokerage account. $38,000 invested in my company’s funds (Valued at my cost basis. I have committed to invest up to $150,000 over the next four years). ~$1,000 between two HSA/FSAs. I am a renter so I do not have home equity.
*Debt: * ~$3,000 balance on credit cards that are paid in full each month.
Income:
Income: $225,000 salary + $100,000 bonus. I received $100K as a bonus for the last two years, so I think this year should be the same or higher in light of a promotion.
I’m also eligible for a portion of carried interest, which is our firm’s profit sharing plan. It’s highly uncertain (deferred contingent compensation that vests quarterly over 5 years) but the estimated payout is $0.5 million in total over the next five to seven years if our investments perform according to plan and I stay with the firm through the full vesting period. This amount could potentially double if our new fund launches as planned later this year. I wanted to include this to reflect my full financial picture, but it’s not money I’m counting on at this point.
Paycheck Amount: $5,884 twice a month. This is after taxes and about $25 per pay period into an FSA. My company covers my health insurance premiums in full and does not currently offer a 401K, so there are no retirement deductions netted out of this amount. The bonus is paid out once a year in December.
Income Progression: I’ve worked in the same field throughout my career. My first salary was $65,000 plus a $40,000 bonus. My income increased significantly over the first few years of my career, including several very generous bonuses at my last job (>100% of base) that have allowed me to save as much as I have.
Side Gig / Extraneous Income: None
Partner’s Income: My partner and I do not have combined finances so I did not include his financial information above. However, we do live together, share expenses, and intend to combine finances after marriage so I thought it was relevant to share his financial information. He makes about $120,000 a year in salary plus equity in his company. His net worth is similar to mine though highly concentrated in semi-liquid private stock. We generally split expenses 50/50 and trade off on a few (he covers the Wifi bill because I do more of the groceries and household spending, etc.). We take turns paying for dinner and travel but generally don’t keep track of expenses dollar for dollar.
Supplemental Questions
Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in higher education and if yes, how did you pay for it?
I was a very good student growing up so there was never a question that I would go to college, from my side or my parents’ side. I got my bachelor’s degree at a public university. I had a scholarship for the first year and my parents paid for the remainder of tuition and rent which I am very grateful for. I worked during college summers and had internships during a few semesters, so I had savings to pay for groceries, gas, and entertainment.
Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parents educate you about finances?
Both of my parents have business backgrounds so I am lucky to have had a financial education at home. My parents taught me the importance of saving and helped me open a credit card (to use like a debit card, of course) and investment account during college.
What was your first job and why did you get it?
During high school, I had some informal jobs like babysitting and tutoring here and there. My first W-2 job was working at a restaurant the summer after high school graduation. I wanted the spending money and my parents candidly wanted me to get some life experience before leaving for college.
Did you worry about money growing up?
For the most part, no. My parents did well when I was growing up and still do today. However, my dad’s job had a few boom and bust periods. My dad was between jobs for extended periods when I was a young girl and when I was in middle school during the Great Recession and I remember asking my parents if we were going to be okay. We lived in a nice house and I was never worried about going without something important, but I got the impression that jobs can come and go and you should be prepared with as much savings as possible.
Do you worry about money now?
No, which is such a gift. I’m a natural worrier, so I try to actively appreciate the financial peace of mind that my career has afforded me. I am hoping for an eventual career change, maybe 5 to 10 years from now, into a field that is less lucrative but more personally fulfilling. I don’t worry per se, but I do plan and save in a manner that is consistent with the gravy train drying up in the medium future.
At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I became financially responsible for myself at 21 when I graduated college and started my first full-time job in finance. At that point, I took over all bills except for the phone bill which my parents still graciously pay.
My savings are my primary safety net. If things were really to go south, I know my partner or family would be there for me.
Have you ever received passive or inherited income?
As mentioned, my parents paid for my college tuition and expenses. When I graduated, they paid for my car and furniture to set up my new apartment. Hard to overstate the value of their financial and emotional support, I’m really lucky.
A few years ago, my parents began giving my sibling and I checks at Christmas as an “advance on an inheritance.” I’ve received about $20,000 in total over four years. I do expect to receive some kind of inheritance eventually, but I don’t count on it and hope that’s very very far away.
Monthly Expenses
Rent: $1,700 for my half of rent for a one-bedroom apartment (Pain. It’s a nice space in a new building)
Electric/WateTrash/Pest/Etc: $65 or so for my half
Wifi: $0, Partner pays
Phone: $0, Thanks Mom and Dad…
TV Streaming: $0, I am a mooch
Car and Renter’s Insurance: $156
Health Insurance: $0, Company pays
Donations: $300 ($100 to three charities each month; I usually add some ad hoc giving at year-end)
ClassPass: $119
AMC A-List: $25
Spotify: $12
WSJ: $11
Apple Storage: $3
Day 1
7:45 AM: Good morning! I’m in a nice mood today because I was able to sleep straight up to my alarm. My noise cancelling headphones won the battle against the construction outside my window today. After my usual scrolling time, I get ready for work and leave the house around 8:40 AM for what is usually a 20 minute commute. I’m in the office four times a week so I “pay the pink tax” regularly, which is what my partner calls my getting ready routine. Do people care to hear about outfits? I usually wear dressy business casual to the office. Today it’s a blue shell with a keyhole neckline from Macy’s circa 2017, black cardigan, black cropped dress pants from Ann Taylor, and black kitten heels from Vince Camuto. I think I am Ann Taylor’s most loyal customer in the under-40 category.
10:30 AM: Pretty quiet week in the office so far. I have a call to learn about a new deal with our potential co-investors. I would rank it a meh out of 10 but consider putting together an investment review page to bring to the broader team just in case. Otherwise, I complete my morning routine of drinking office coffee and playing NYT Games. Our office kitchen is well stocked with coffee and snacks, so I usually eat a yogurt or oatmeal at my desk for weekday breakfast.
12:30 PM: I reheat my meal prepped chickpea curry for lunch. It’s pretty tasty but it’s also my fourth day in a row eating it so I won’t be sad once it’s gone. I usually try to bring lunch to the office, but sometimes I run out of time to meal prep if I travel on weekends and then I resort to Sweetgreen or Whole Foods.
4:00 PM: Pretty leisurely afternoon. My colleague also thinks that this morning’s deal is a meh out of 10, so that’s on hold, and I’m waiting around for some data requests on other deals. I write up a short portfolio update on a few companies I cover to send to one of our investors. There is a close call, as a banker requests a 7:00 AM meeting for next week, but my boss blessedly pushes back and asks for a later time. Otherwise, I work on my Money Diary and start scheming weekend plans.
5:50 PM: Time to go home. Traffic is tragic, as is par for the course on Thursdays. I’ll live.
6:45 PM: I am home and super hungry. I make instant ramen and throw in some baked tofu to bulk it up. I also make a quick cucumber salad with kimchi, soy sauce, chili crunch… and Everything But The Bagel seasoning. I know that’s not a very authentic topping but it’s delicious. I settle in to watch an episode or two of Sex and the City. I just started it and I can’t believe I’ve never watched it before. What a treat! SJP’s body is so banging. I wonder if she ate instant ramen…
7:45 PM: My partner C is home! He got back late because he went to REI for his camping trip this weekend. I ooh and ahh over his new headlamp. He puts his tent together in the kitchen to make sure he has all the pieces. Cuuuuute. And he brought me a red velvet cookie from work! All is well.
9 PM: It’s trashy TV night! I take out my coloring pencils and do a bit of coloring. I watch the first episode of the Ashley Madison documentary on Netflix. Not a lot of likeable characters there unsurprisingly. I need a palate cleanser so I turn on the Try Guys on YouTube which is ironically thematically related.
10 PM: I take a shower and get ready for bed. I write a short note in my gratitude journal and read on my Kindle before passing out. Currently reading Funny Story by Emily Henry (love all of her books) and The It Girl by Ruth Ware (jury’s still out). My first day is a no-spend day, hope that’s not too boring!
Day 1 Total: $0
Day 2
8:15 AM: I get to sleep in today because it’s work from home Friday! I had a dream I was in tumultuous situationships with John Mulaney and Matty Healy… bad taste in men gang, rise up. Anyway… I kiss C goodbye as he leaves for work and get back into bed with some water and a granola bar for my morning screen time.
9:30 AM: Time to make moves. I log into work, make the bed, and get dressed. Today I’m wearing Vuori joggers and an Aerosmith T-shirt I bought at Pacsun in high school. I go downstairs to the apartment lobby to make a latte with their fancy espresso machine. Back upstairs, I settle in with my coffee and put the new Billie Eilish album on TV.
10:30 AM: Bopping around doing emails. I got invited to a Women in Investing event next week by a local bank. They will have a suite at the soccer game! Fun! Unfortunately, it’s the same time as a double dinner date we planned next week. I text C and he’s okay if we reschedule, so I RSVP yes to the soccer game. Separately, C Venmo’s me for my half of the electric bill. I think I missed last month’s notification, sorry, so this would be two months’ worth ($62, included in monthly expenses).
11:00 AM: Our firm closed a deal last week, so as a (small) investor in the fund, I received the deal announcement and capital call today. My portion of the investment would be $6,771. I’ll write that check next week.
12:15 PM: I run out to Trader Joe’s before my afternoon call. Love that I’m in walking distance. I get popcorn, taco shells, two frozen meals, kale, asparagus, chickpea pasta, pasta sauce, artichokes, refried beans, cheese, orange peppers, watermelon, lime seltzer, and guacamole. It’s my cheapest TJ’s run in a while which probably means I’ll be back soon. $50 I get home and make lunch, a pre-made salad with cucumber and tofu added in.
2:45 PM: I had my standing weekly call with a portfolio company and then worked to refine a financial model I’ve been working on. I’m now waiting on input from others, so I have a Greek yogurt and kombucha as a snack. I am still hungry so I crush some popcorn and then do some reading to prepare for a call I’ll have mid-next week about an industry I’m not very familiar with.
4:30 PM: People have stopped replying to my messages so I’ll take the hint and sign off also. I got to the apartment gym and do a few miles on the elliptical and a strength circuit from Caroline Girvan on YouTube.
5:30 PM: After a quick shower, I make chalupas for dinner which is a perennial favorite. Tostadas (or just broken taco shells in a pinch) with refried beans and cheese baked in the oven, topped with salsa, guacamole and bell peppers. I start it up and C helps plate so I can get ready for our evening activity.
6:30 PM: We live nearby a park that does weekly community events and tonight is salsa night! They offered a thirty minute lesson and then an evening of dancing to a live salsa band! We learn a little routine during the lesson but salsa is not a natural skill of C or mine. My footwork isn’t great but I can move my hips a bit. Poor C is stiff as a board and also a perfectionist which is a tough combo for dancing. We dance for about half an hour to the band then give up and watch a while. P.S.: I wore a black floral midi dress, tall black boots, and a black suede jacket. I considered wearing my red silk skirt which is beautiful and looks like the salsa dance emoji, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t because most people were dressed pretty casually and I would have been embarrassed being the fanciest dresser and worst dancer simultaneously.
8:00 PM: We officially give up on salsa - maybe next time! C insists that we would have gotten it if we weren’t five minutes late to the lesson… sure. We go to our local brewery and each have a beer, which C buys. We play Scrabble against each other on our phones. I win but who’s counting? We go back to our apartment and I finish the Ashley Madison documentary and fall asleep on the couch. Spoiler alert: don’t waste your time.
Day 2 Total: $50
Day 3
10:00 AM: Feeling great after sleeping in! C left for his camping trip at about 8 AM and I went back to bed. I fetch another lobby latte and enjoy a slow morning in bed.
12:15 PM: I meet my good friend M out for lunch. Outfit check? I’m wearing an Abercrombie cotton button down tunic, stretchy black pants, and white sneakers. We chat and split a salad and pizza with iced tea. We split the bill, which includes an 18% service charge which states that it helps the restaurant paying living wages but also is “not a tip.” Hmm. The suggested tip at the bottom of the receipt is 10-15% so I leave 10%. Tipping culture stays confusing. $31
1:30 PM: M is joining me on a mission today. I feel like most of my jeans are outdated jeggings or too tight to wear comfortably so it’s time for a refresh. There are a bunch of vintage and thrift stores in the area so we set off. The first store was a bust. I tried on 11 pairs of jeans and there wasn’t even a maybe! I learn that I do not know my jean size and clothing brands also do not know their jean sizes because there is a laughable lack of consistency. Thankfully, my patience is rewarded at the second store. Two out of five pairs are winners. I get a pair of light wash relaxed fit Agolde jeans which are a steal at $32 and a pair of black flared jeans which fit like a glove despite (or because of?) some janky homemade tailoring in blue thread at the waistband. I’ll try to redo that at home in black thread at the very least. M also has success, buying a black denim skirt. $58
3:00 PM: In the midst of our shopping adventure, we stop at Starbucks for a lemonade and bathroom break. $6
3:30 PM: OMG. We walk by a shop with a line out the door and wonder what’s going on. Turns out it’s a pop up merch shop for Billie Eilish’s new album! I can’t help it, we go in. They’re playing her new music video projected on the walls and Billie had signed a decal on the wall for the event. The merch is sick and I buy an overpriced t-shirt. ** $54**
4:30 PM: I stop at CVS on the way home to get some household items, a Magic Eraser and some rubbing alcohol. $8
5:30 PM: Home now. I eat a yogurt and decide to enjoy the last of the daylight. I take my Kindle and a kombucha to sit by the pool for a while.
6:15 PM: It gets chilly quickly so I pack it up. I prep dinner which is the chickpea pasta, air fried asparagus, artichokes and TJ’s Rosatella sauce. The sauce is quite tasty but there was a scary moment when I couldn’t get the jar open and almost called off dinner. I turn on The Idea of You with Anne Hathaway. Is this a Harry Styles fan fic? It must be. It’s a bit corny but also hot. Would recommend.
9 PM: What now? I’m not tired at all so I go around the house doing weird chores. I unpack my clothes and clean out my pants drawer as promised. I try on the new jeans again and turns out there is a surprise waiting for me… someone cut one of those under-butt cut-outs into the Agolde jeans! As if jeans shopping isn’t hard enough! I can’t believe I didn’t see that at the store. I can only laugh. I guess I’ll try to sew it up tomorrow. Maybe white thread to make it look like ripped denim… With that, I take half an edible and call it a night.
Day 3 Total: $157
Day 4
8:30 AM: Good morning… I dreamt about my parents divorcing and C and I splitting up. Pleasant! I eat a granola bar in bed and procrastinate getting ready for the gym until it’s really time to go.
10:30 AM: I go to F45 once or twice a week using ClassPass credits and today was another great class. I’ve gained a lot of confidence lifting weights from the trainers there. I come home, shower up, and pick up the mail and a latte from the apartment lobby. Back upstairs, I call my dad for a while to catch up.
12:00 PM: The Jeans Doctor is in the house! First order of business is to get the blue ink out of my white jeans from last weekend. The internet said that rubbing alcohol will do the trick… I’m sad because I thought it wasn’t working until I rinse out the alcohol and the ink magically washes away. No shit, thanks Good Housekeeping! I feel emboldened by my success and turn to the Agolde jeans. I patch up two little worn patches with white thread and then stitch up the under-booty cut-out in light blue. The white threads help mask my sloppy stitches. Success! I fry some eggs for lunch and finish up my jeans over Sex and the City.
3:00 PM: It’s Sporty Sunday! I walk over to our neighborhood pickleball courts and meet up with a few friends. It’s pretty busy so we volley around the tennis court for about an hour before a pickleball court opens and then we play a few games. The sun feels great! My pickleball skills are super average but it’s been a fun new hobby.
6:00 PM: Home now and so is C! Sounds like he had a great trip. He starts the laundry and I start dinner, which is chalupas round 2. Afterwards I sit on the couch and think zero thoughts for a while. We’re both pretty gassed. I cozy up in bed with a sleepy girl mocktail (tart cherry juice and seltzer) and the new season of Bridgerton.
Day 4 Total: $0
Day 5
6:45 AM: Early bird gets the worm! Couldn’t be me, but the construction workers are already getting after it. I put in my AirPods and go back to bed.
8:15 AM: Time to get ready for work in a rush, as per usual. I’m wearing a black V-neck cardigan with a black lace cami underneath, black cropped dress pants again, and white Vionic loafers. I add some turquoise drop earrings for a bit of color. Quick skincare and makeup and then I’m out the door.
9:10 AM: Now at work, I have a protein bar and coffee. I prep the agenda for our team meeting, then I’m tied up for the next few hours in Monday morning meetings.
12:30 PM: Work usually caters in lunch on Monday and today is Greek food. Beggars can’t be choosers but I’m a bit sad there are four kinds of meat but no falafel. I make a plate of rice, hummus, and salad, then hungrily go back for seconds.
4:00 PM: The afternoon has passed quickly. I finalize a financial model and send out to my deal lead, then start reviewing the materials for a new deal that came through last night. I missed my typical lunch walk, so I take 20 minutes to walk a few blocks around the office. Gosh it’s nice outside.
6:20 PM: I wrap up work, bullshit with my coworker for a bit, then it’s time to go home. Once home, I eat leftover chickpea pasta. I also “meal prep” two lunches for the office; I throw rice in the rice cooker, then once cooked, combine into Tupperware with kale and a Trader Joe’s pre-made Indian food pouch. Does that count as homemade? Once C gets home, we take a little walk together around the neighborhood and enjoy the last half hour of sun.
8:00 PM: We knock out a few chores so the house is in good shape. C cleans the kitchen and I fold laundry. I take a shower and get into PJs so I can have the most peaceful Bridgerton viewing experience. I tell C that Bridgerton has sex scenes and suddenly he’s happy to watch with me. Good night!
Day 5 Total: $0
Day 6
7:30 AM: Rise and shine… I get going a bit early this morning. I wear a tan Zara cardigan, striped Ann Taylor blouse, grey Banana Republic slacks, tan loafers, and gold jewelry. I’d like to think of my work style as classic and unobjectionable, but hopefully not PTA Mom-esque (it probably is).
8:45 AM: I get to the office and start prepping for calls. Busy day with a bunch of random meetings: reference call with a recruiter, strategy session with one of our companies, and an introductory call with a potential banking partner. I’m up to my eyeballs in meetings and little projects until about 2:30. I eat a yogurt for “breakfast” at 11:30 and my meal prepped lunch at 1:00 while I crank through work.
3:00 PM: I’ve been texting with my mom about 4th of July plans and I think we’ve locked in times. I book flights for C and I to visit my parents for a few days over the holidays, which will be great. I book the first flight out using miles and buy the return flight in cash. I don’t think I’ll Venmo request C for this one; we usually cover each other’s expenses when we ask each other to attend “our” events. $342
4:30 PM: I get an email with details for the Women in Investing soccer game event. Apparently the stadium does not allow non-clear bags of any size, including clutches. I go to Amazon and order a small clear bag that will ship in one day. $12
5:45 PM: I booked a Pilates class for 7 PM and I usually get really hangry if I don’t eat beforehand. Luckily, there are Greek food leftovers. I heat up some rice and top with hummus and salad. I prep an agenda for my call tomorrow morning, send it over to my boss, and head out around 6:30.
8:00 PM: Another good Pilates session! I wasn’t able to find street parking so I have to pay for the parking lot. $7 I’m a bit late at this point, but I want to swing by our neighborhood bar for Trivia Tuesday.
9:30 PM: Victory! Our trivia team wins by 1 point, total nail biter. I contributed to the victory by recalling that pi is an irrational number. The 1st place prize is a $100 gift card and we’re stoked. I met this crew through M and they’re all so nice. I got a lemonade which would have been $4, but it’s covered by our previous trivia winnings.
10:00 PM: Home now and time to unwind. I take a shower and then join C on the couch. I tell myself I’m going to read and then I scroll Reddit.
Day 6 Total: $361
Day 7
7:30 AM: Normal routine to get ready for work. I wear a printed flowy blouse, grey cardigan, black dress pants, and tan sandals (assorted H&M, Nordstrom Rack, and Ann Taylor, all years old). I fear it’s very much giving PTA Mom. I scurry off to the office.
8:59 AM: I arrive with one minute to spare before my first call of the day. I would have been early but my usual exit on the highway was closed, sending myself and my fellow commuters for a loop. Anyways, I sign on for my first of five back-to-back calls this morning for new deals and more recruiter interviews (one of our companies is trying to hire a new CEO).
12:45 PM: I wrap up a very successful call where the potential co-investor said our terms are ridiculously off-market, and then the fire alarm goes off. Nice! I have 15 minutes free so I reheat my chickpea pasta and eat half before my next meeting.
2:00 PM: Done with my last meeting. I eat the rest of my pasta and some Greek salad from the kitchen. Thank God for leftovers. I’m feeling pretty frazzled after a busy day. I usually only have one or two meetings per day, then the rest of my workday is quiet time for research or analysis. I take a 20 minute walk to clear my head, then it’s back to it.
6:00 PM: I successfully re-focus enough to complete my sections of the Q1 investor update letters. With that done, I log off for the day and head over to our local movie theater. C and I reserved tickets for A24’s IMAX re-release of Uncut Gems. I’ve never seen it before so I’m excited to hear what the hype is about, albeit years later.
6:30 PM: C beats me to the mall, so he orders dinner for us both. He gets a quesadilla and I have two vegan tacos.
9:30 PM: The movie was a total riot. I leave feeling grateful that my life is my life and not Adam Sandler’s character. The ticket is covered by my AMC A-List subscription, but it would have been $29 after fees otherwise (?!!). The theater validates parking for 3 hours, but we go a bit over so I pay for parking. $6 Thanks for following along with my week!
Day 7 Total: $6
Food Total: $87
Travel Total: $342
Clothing Total: $124
Other Total: $21
Total Spending: $574
Reflections:
This was a typical week at home for me. Outside of the airfare, I’d say it was pretty frugal with no pricy dinners, nail salon visits, or even gas. C and I travel once or twice a month to visit friends and family and attend lots of weddings these days, so some travel spend is normal course for us. I was a bit nervous to submit a MD, but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading!
Note: edited for formatting :)

Hey guys!
I've been here for a while and sharing pieces of my game with the best intensions, and I decided to introduce it as best as I can do, and I would be happy to see your thoughts and feedback on it here.
I am a single dev, I spent almost 3 years on this project, it was hell of a ride, and now the game is in a really good shape, while it is still just v0.5 and Early Access.
A lot of in-game mechanics are done, and lot of is waiting for implementation. The game is strongly driven by random, so even me never know what will happen around me in the world. Which is such a fun (for me as a dev)!
I do my best to make a survival game taking place in procedurally generated post-apo open world for up to 200 players in a session, because I love multiplayer games. But it is playable as singleplayer, or over LAN.
The game currently offers a lot of interesting features like: Quests, NPCs / traders, Hordes of enemies, Skills (XPs, leveling), Crafting, Building, Vehicles, Faction Outposts with system of endless reinforcements (of various difficulty), exploring the world contains towns, settlements and junkyards, global weather events like the deadly heatwave or meteor shower, hunting guns and equipment for best prefixes and suffixes, system of survival stats affecting various parts of the gameplay..
It's not easy to introduce it in a box, that's why title of this post tells: "A package of all good from survival and open world games?" - because I try hard to merge all good and fun factors into one survival game. The game is not AAA title, someone could say it is more like old school gaming, maybe DOS style of fair games haha!
I would like to reveal here little bit about building: if I skip boring things like mattress or various chests, I try to aim on "settlement style" of building, where you have to attract or "born" wastelanders to get "working power" for your other buildings like those who is looking for gasoline for you, or searching for various metal items, you have to provide certain supplies to get building keep working and doing their job.. And there are much more plans and ideas on this part of the game.
I would write a hundreds of lines about the features, but I dont want to steal your time, guys. So here is the current state of the game in a really short showcase video..
Plains of Pain: Quick Overview
And my next question is: what do you think overall about it? What features I should include to achieve a "complete package of fun" for players who like survival and open world games ??
Thanks for you attention guys, and have a nice day!

So a very long time ago I had my first Gmail and a YouTube channel just to watch videos, this was 6 years ago. I started uploading some random videos to it just for fun, it got deleted 6 years ago, so for now everything is normal.
I created a new channel just to watch videos and make playlists, but after 2 years they suspended it. hundreds of playlists, and all recommendations, it was painful,
I created another one after a year it got suspended, the last one I created got suspended after a week. am I forbidden now from watching YouTube my whole life or what?
I tried to contact them every time no answer,
is there anything I can do? please
I don't want to to upload anything just want to watch Videos

34M 179 lbs down to 118 5'8" Extremely strict diet ( low fodmap) 3 GI's . 1 primary, many er trips No dairy No red meat No added sugars No bs No fun. :( No muscle left at all No interest (can't even play a video game for more than 10 minutes) No Energy Just fear. Straight fear.
Have not had an "american diet" in 5 years. Nothing can be changed or bettered here on the diet side. Besides more. I need more.
Hey there reddit, thought I would share a little snip it of my so called "life" for the past 5 years. I'm at my wits end. I weight 118 lbs. I have 0 muscle left. I can't eat anything hardly at all without pain in some sort of way. I can hardly work. I feel like a useless pos that is just slowly withering away. I've been fighting these "symptoms" for 5 year now. Just 2 months ago they finally decided to do a breath test. Took me 3 gastros, countless scans,tests,etc. to get to the test. At first I was stoked. So happy that after this long and probably every single med and misdiagnoses you can get, I finally had an answer. WELL. My heart and my gut are telling me otherwise. I am not better after treatment. I still can't eat. I still can't work. I can't be the father or husband I want to be. I'm just so so tired of pushing myself every single second of every day just to be beaten to the ground. My family shouldn't have to deal with this.
So honestly idk why I posted. I feel like I'm about to give up. I don't want to take anymore medicine and deal with the bs that comes from taking all this stuff. Nothing works. Everything hurts. Running on empty here.

I don't want to sound like some victim, so the TL;DR is I've not had much in the way of family, an absent father who died, an abusive stepfather, a mother who chose him over me, foster care, depression, anxiety, bullied in school, suicidal, no family other than that. I've never had a stable life.
I've dated a few times. Once was my high school crush for a few months. I dated and got engaged to a girl I met in a mental hospital, that lasted a year and so. Then I had a long distance relationship on and off with a girl I met in a game. That lasted longer than it should have really, we constantly made these plans to move there or here, or to another place and no actual commitment to those plans. But I've been mostly lonely my entire life. I never felt attractive, like I had anything to contribute to the world, or had great jobs to bring in great money.
All I ever wanted was to be a dad and a husband to someone, to be someone that meant something. I have mostly lived a anti social life, playing video games and watching TV. All around me I hear people talk about their lives with their partners, their families and children. I never had anything to talk about like that.
So one to my coworkers I created a fake girlfriend who I loved very much, who had a kid with another guy and I took the kid under my wing. Eventually we would have a "kid" together and then another. I don't know why I did it, but it made me feel like I had something worth living for, made me feel like someone, because my coworkers would ask me about it all the time, even gave me a Dad nickname at work. It kept me going everyday, gave me a reason to get up.
Now I should say, I don't believe this family actually exists, I know they are imaginary, but I built up a life around it, I made my house look like a house for a family with toys, women's clothing, and made it always look nice in case someone ever came over.
I always figured I would be alone for the rest of my life besides the pets in my life. I just lived inside of my head ro numb the pain. But one day I decided to start dating. At point there was a girl in one of my jobs, I liked her a lot, but she knew I had a "girlfriend". I knew it was time to try and let go of the fake life. So I tried, I had the relationship end and i was freshly single. But that girl didn't work out. But the main problem came, a lot of people knew I had something of a family with kids. I needed a way to make them disappear. I had them move to another state far away.
Then came the one who would change my life forever, let's call her Sara. We worked together at mcdonalds. Apparently she had a crush on me, and she had recently separated from her ex husband, whom she had 2 kids with. She would come back to the dish area where I worked and would make some small attempts to make conversation with me, she would ask me to get boxes for her even if she could have herself. And one day she added me on Facebook and eventually we talked and she asked me out. I was in disbelief, someone actually wanted to date me.
Problem though was almost everyone at mcdonalds knew I had a "family", what the hell was I going to do? I thought she knew about this too. So on our first date, I talked about this family, because Sara is a very family-oriented lady, she loves her kids so much, and kids in general, she had a terrible ex who did bad things, so in order to relate, I matched my stories with her. And we would keep dating. And we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But I just kept the stories going because what would happen if she found out I was lying to her about this? I thought she would dump me in a heartbeat like a normal person would do. So I kept going because for once, I was happy. I had everything I ever wanted, a beautiful woman whom I loved so much, was a step dad to 2 wonderful kids who seemed to love me.
But one day, she came to me and said something along the lines of "Something about your stories don't add up." Because she had seen the Facebook profile of the long distance girlfriend and my timelines didn't match up. But I panicked and made up a bullshit excuse. She had even said "You can tell me anything, I won't judge you because I love you". But I couldn't do it, I couldn't admit it. So I lied again.
Part of me was so unready to let go of the fantasy family because those kids were how I always imagined my kids being, and it's so stupid, but I loved them and I wasn't ready to let go, even though I should have, and I should ha e told her the truth.
We get engaged, we move into a new home together, and I keep up the stories, even bringing up maybe my kids can come up during the summer. She loves that and even starts buying them things. I wish I could have stopped. I really do.
But finally we come to the point now, she finally asked for the truth. And I told her. The girlfriend of the fantasy was based on the long distance relationship. She had a kid of a different name. And Sara already knew the truth because she saw an old post long distance girl had tagged me in a long time ago.
Sara says that night she still loves me and just needs time to process her feelings so I give that space to do so. The next day she is trying her hardest to move on from it, but I see she is struggling. She lives for work, and I have this gut feeling deep down she won't be coming back from the way she kissed me. Then the real dad comes to pick up the kids and he takes their important things. I knew then. I asked her in text if the kids were coming back thag night and then came the text, saying she couldn't do it anymore, she can't see past the lies, she couldn't be with me. She says she needs time to heal and see where she stands. I just agree, because how could I fight her? I love her so very much and felt like she is my soulmate and I had crushed her.
She gave me a few days to pack my stuff and leave, but we keep talking. She says she still loves me and just needs to heal, hoping we can try again in the future. She comes to the house and sees most of my stuff gone and it broke her, she cried so hard. I never have had someone cry about my like that. And it tore me apart, because I never meant any of this to hurt her. I just didn't want her to leave me, or to see me for what I was; a loser loner who had nobody, barely a life, I just existed. I explained to her everything, about what the fantasy meant to me. She can see it, she sees why; she tells me we are going to be okay. She just needs time to heal.
So here I am, living without her right now. Trying to give her that space and time. Because it's the least she deserves. But I wonder if the damages I've done are too much, and maybe I should just let her go so she can be happy. Am I being selfish for trying to hold on? I know I'm a monster and I did some beyond terrible. I just keep telling myself this was never my intention. I love Sara beyond any words I could ever put in my head. Even if she's happy without me. Should I let her go?