[Let me know if a chapter a week is okay; I'm thinking it might be a bit too often. Run Zero: https://redd.it/1csb71x Run One: https://redd.it/1cwxbsg]
The mining foreman refused to go to sleep, and watched intently as Tightniks finally reached over and set it home with one hand. Its last nervous little sigh was the only thing he remembered-
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...
32s: First trap.
He built it big this time, and there are six trimps in there. They look familiar somehow, the light one with dark hair and an unusually short and broad tail compared to the rest, a big-eared green one, a grey one, a yellow one, and a red one with big paws and "XIII" on its rump, and a brown one with pink ears that takes the lead and cheers, "Kakka!" Once he lets them out, they all follow him intently around like just-hatched birds do their mother. He shows them the busted off cockpit and forward cabin of the ship he just crashed and they get inside and start da- ...nope, sticking with "dancing". He busies himself looking for the survival pad.
Until he hears the squeak of a baby trimp. They're feeding it- ...rocks. Carefully selected, aluminate rocks. What the heck are they doing? Whatever, I've got to get some conventional food for- What's that? He's got the survival pad already, but this was outside the ship, it must have materialized when he descended through that glowing grey mist getting out. He gets it flipped over and turned on.
"Manual portal activation 2 successful:" it displays, "rare shield equipped 54%Stg 14%Atk MT 0 Nu loaded / 399 He loaded / Metal challenge active / Total portal activation 956"
Metal challenge? The human selects it.
"You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to bring you to an alternate reality, where the concept of Miners does not exist, to force yourself to become frugal with equipment crafting strategies. If you complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling the challenge, miners will re-unlock."
He's so confused, What the Loy is a Dimension of Anger? I think I have a headache from this high gravity. Sits down for a moment.
Notices that one of the trimps is sleeping in a small deep hole just at the edge of the garden, apparently to have a nap in standing upright.
I don't believe you, "portal". I'm training that one first chance I get!
56s: Pop full.
There are ten of them already?? I'm still working this derpy little potato patch to get enough food to bulk up just ONE of the- He looks at the portal pad and blurts out loud, "Fifty-six SECONDS??" He postulates that he's in a time-dilated environment, and that the portal is measuring time somewhere "out there", this "map frame" environment. It's like those Star Trek episodes he can't remember "Wink of an Eye" and "Blink of an Eye" that he can't quite remember. [One of them is Star Trek TOS, and one of them is Star Trek: Voyager and I forget which one came from where.]
1m57s: Arable in Z1c13.
The human walks along and one of the trimps viciously fights the various hostiles that try to come at him, staying ahead. Just behind, he finds that hole-digger busted into a cave big enough for 9 of them, and they start raising babies to fill it up.
3m37s: Miners in Z1c30.
It's broken! he notices of the data card he just picked up. It's one of the ones that flew out of the ship when he undogged the ship's side hatch, but it didn't survive. What was on it? He's got a vague memory of a big tanuki-tailed trimp, much bigger than the- Wait! This memory is of hole-digger all grown up. So this is- he looks at the smashed data card in his hand, ...this is the Miners card. At least there's some lying about so we're not totally deprived of metal.
That's odd. I'm sure I spent longer training this little guy than "one second map frame." The human looks at the black trimp with the grey head fur and silvery eyes, "So, can you say something yet?"
"Shijou." [Takane and Takanya are not black, it is their favorite clothing color.]
"Okay, can you say something else?"
9m12s: Zone 1, 40 pop, 3.5s RC with Z0/1, 13m19s turkimp. 12m55s: First scientist.
"Tai," his first scientist waves at him.
"Hmm," the human tries to think of a better test, "What color is the sky?"
"Shijou." The exasperated human is about to sigh in despair when he notices a card in its hands, with one word on it, "Blue."
"What?" he takes it, "You can't speak but you can write, huh?"
"Shijou," it twirls its paw off the end of the card in his hand. The human turns it over, and in small writing, it has "Technically, the sky isn't blue, it's a foible of Rayleigh scattering in an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere. And you have 'TIGHTNIKS' embroidered on the left side of your uniform."
A look of astonishment sweeps over the human. I never taught it about Rayleigh scattering. Apparently, the scientist training has unlocked its brain to access the collected knowledge of a previous life! Then he looks at his uniform and groans, spanking his eyebrows in realization. The trimp had apparently noticed him wandering around the camp wracking his brain and talking to himself trying to remember his own name, and it's right there the whole time! He spanks his eyebrows again.
The very well fed grey-headed trimp starts doing experiments, leaving him to take the turkimp back to his farmers. Too bad it's only a quarter as fast at it as he is.
32m25s: Zone 3, 79 pop, 4.5s RC with Z1/2; c16, 79 pop, 6.8s RC with Z2/3.
"Nano! Nano, nano, nano." The D&B (that's dodge and block) foreman has an impressive yellow mane, light face, green body, and brown hind limbs, and moves like a blur when it decides to. When asleep, it's as unarousable as an exhumed fossil, except with the food article Yellow the scientist calls an "owny geary". [Puchim@s Afuu]
Helping it out is a brown-maned white trenching expert Tightniks finds oddly familiar. It has no problem mining, but couldn't start a fire if its life depended on it, so smelting is out of the question.
I guess that's how the Metal challenge really works. Too bad I suck at it. Tightniks is spending all his smelting time smacking out nails and joist hangers for the houses, and has nothing left for fighting gear.
1h53m25s: Zone 9, 306 pop, 7.9s RC with Z8/15, no turkimp.
The white trimp with the brown head fur- ...whichever one it is because it, or one that looks just like it, sometimes (apparently) burns itself up or blows itself up trying to build a metallurgical furnace. This one is digging a hole right now, into the concrete of some ruined building's foundation. It hits some strapping and rebar, makes a happy sound, follows it along and gets it sorta clear of the concrete bonded to it, and rips it out of the ground to throw on the metal pile. It now seems content to do that instead of trying to smelt ores.
"Red?" Tightniks glances at one of his scientists, "Do you think we could take it to- What's that place you said you visited five hundred years after some misty fight or-"
"Cloudy strife," it says, "Yeah, Midgimp is like that, we could probably map a route through there. Lots of metal. Especially the part that had an avalanche happen and fell down. Broke all that stuff out of the ground already." [Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children cinematic and Sector 7 collapse.]
"Okay," Tightniks says, "Let's do that."
5h32m02s: Zone 21, 2042 pop, 14.9s RC with Z20/232, no turkimp.
"Ooooookay," Tightniks growls, "There is something off about this thing."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the yellow one with concern about their human starship pilot friend.
The human stoops, picks up the little green gem on the ridge between Zone 20 and 21, looks at it, huffs, and asks, "Any idea where this comes from?"
"Err..." the red one seems hesitant to say, "I think you made it."
"Really?" the human huffs, "How could that be?" Then he tosses it at Red, "See if anything reacts to it. It might be radioactive, so we should take turns to minimize exposure."
"Really?" Red's holding it now, "What makes you say that?"
"Because I'm pissed off for no reason I can figure out," the human says, "I think it's coming from-" he gasps, "Waitamint!" He starts searching for the portal pad.
"Frags," the red one says quickly, "I think it's arranging a route. You're good with maps," it tosses the gem to the grey scientist.
The human has his portal pad up and reads aloud, "You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to- yada yada yada. Tiss tiss t- complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling- miners will re-unlock."
\BOOM\** They turn to see (another of) the white brown-haired trimp'/s' attempts at a metallurgical furnace explode, and it seems both very frustrated and has really hurt its toe.
He snaps his fingers, "That's gotta be it. Although, does it mean 'miners' or 'furnaces'?" He re-reads the portal pad while the scientists shrug.
"Shijou," the grey one has just finished tracing the route map the gem was showing.
"Are we going any faster than on previous cycles, you think?" he asks Red.
"What's a cycle?" Red asks.
"We're stuck in time loop, you realize?" the human says.
"Well," the yellow one jumps off a little rock spire it was using to see farther ahead, directly into a seated position on the ground with an impressive thump the human can both hear with his ears and feel through the ground of the more-than-Earth gravity planet, "that explains a few things." The little scientist trimp seems quite morose at the news.
"This thing says the fastest we've ever got this 'anger' map done is ten hours, thirty-five, but the clock right now is at five hours, thirty-four." Tightniks tilts his head, frowns one eyebrow, and taps, "Getting it done faster increases attack damage somehow, and oh-"
"What now?" the yellow one asks, still seated beside the spire.
"It says we already got a 2.5%-er for having a million traps," the human says, "I don't remember doing that. Maybe..." he sighs, "Maybe that's a good thing, 'cus I'd probably go insane building them all. Still though, it says we're going faster, but it doesn't feel like it."
"How'd you know how it feels," Red asks, "if you don't remember it?"
"'Day jaw voo' I think is the term," the human says, "or something. The sense that all this has happened before, but I'm not quite remembering and there's no physical evidence of it."
"Shijooooooooooo..." the grey one moans, waving a card at him. On it:
"In order, but we don't know if that means chronological order or frequency/proportion of memories:
"- The ship crashes (pretty sure that happens every time) "- The human builds huts "- The human teaches some trimps to speak and do science "- The human builds houses "- The human makes maps "- The human builds mansions "- The human blows up and gets himself killed somewhere around Z17 to Z21, often on a dragimp "- The human only recently/occasionally builds hotels "- The human only recently/rarely tamed a dragimp "- The human only recently/rarely mapped the Dimension of Anger"
Tightniks sits down and offers it back.
"Tai," it flatly refuses to take it back, paws up and eyes closed.
"It's kind of a relief," Tightniks rubs his temples, then looks at it again, "knowing it ain't just me."
6h17m43s: Portal PB, 1% AP for sub-8h, 45 He, 7.149 He/hr, 2209 pop, 13.6s RC.
The last head of the map's boss monster goes limp as one of the fighting trimps' dagger points goes into it, and the huge thing settles on its tail, resting on the package that seems to be the prize of this map. And there's a popping sound, and then something mechanical.
Is that a scroll compressor? Tightniks looks at the package. The deflating monster's lifting envelope material drapes over everything underneath it. "Yellow, Shijou!" he snaps and points, "roll up that side of it. Keep this part from sucking down on the extractor nozzle!"
All ten of the scientists jump in, literally, pushing the gas in the bag towards the compressor. Tightniks as well, rolling up the front.
Until he kicks, and nearly trips over, a smaller package that might be the explanation for the reason why the center of the monster's defense seemed to be a little away from the big package he could see. It's in the right place, he realizes. He gets it uncovered and reads stenciled-and-sprayed block letters on it:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE DOWN"
Perhaps the Dimension of Anger is so named because of the rage suddenly rising up in Tightniks' throat. It isn't so much as the free-floating aggression suddenly has an answer, there is definitely a fresh batch of rage and anger as he grips the nearest Dagger V, Mark 2 with both hands-
Refocusing on surviving the next few seconds, the pilot turns on the radar for the final approach and takes a last look around, then straight ahead at his forward camera and primary flight display...
He crouches, sets the dagger down gently, then starts clearing the debris from the box's grab iron. He tries to lift it- Damn, this is heavy! As he gets it turned over, gravity finishes the job, and it shakes the ground with an impressive thud as it falls right side up.
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE UP" There's a square cutout in the middle of one side of it, with a sliding cover at the bottom of it.
"Get the pad!" he screams, seeing that his scientists are almost done rolling up the megablimp.
The grey one already has the survival data pad and offers it to him.
"The big one," Tightniks clarifies, "The big one." he picks up wide flat rainbow cable and its edge socket in one hand, "It goes here," he points at it with the other. "It must have come with me-" He had taken the small survival data pad and notices something, "Oh?" He starts looking around, "Hey!"
The white trimp with the brown hair is napping in a hole next to the smouldering remains of its latest attempt at a smelting furnace.
"Hey, mining buddy!" he whistles at it, "Mining buddy!"
It wakes with a start and rushes over, but doesn't seem to be in a good mood. But as soon as Tightnik shows it the survival pad, with all of the mining data installed just as if all those broken data cards and scorched scrolls were intact when he found them, fireworks goes off in the little trimp's eyes and it rushes off with the pad. Within minutes, the first furnace that works is chugging away at some ore and it returns to give the survival data pad back to Tightniks.
7h24m49s: Fresh turkimp; 7h25m30s: Labor reallocated.
The big-eared green lumber foreman's mood fell much further than the mining foreman's mood was before Tightniks packed up the turkimp roaster and moved just about everyone over to the smeltery.
The brown-haired, big-tailed white mining foreman was surprised at the change, and very happy. It had climbed up onto the helium compressor cart to check something on the pad a couple cells into the zone.
"Are you upset with me?" the red one asks the human.
"No, not at all," Tightniks says, "Are you getting the feeling that we had an upset at this point last cycle?"
"How would you know it was only the last?" Yellow asks, "Your memory's no better than ours."
"Right," the human sews another patch into his uniform, "However, I've only actually hit the switch on the portal twice, the first one on a challenge called Discipline, and the second on a challenge called Metal, which we just finished. It's easy to sort out from the statistics. I'm nervous it'll get harder to sort out when we're up to, oh," done fixing his uniform, he pops a bit of turkimp into his mouth and chews a couple times, "a few dozen or hundred manual cycles."
"Friggin' solve this faster than that, please," Red grumbles, "I know the emergency counter got to nearly a thousand, but..." he kinda trails off. Finally, he says, "I think we're remembering more cycle to cycle as we get more helium into it. I mean, I'm glad that isn't the only mechanic."
"Can't miss the supernova if it is," the human ponders.
"What?" Yellow chuckles.
"I'm remembering something from before all this, I think it was called a video game, where you'd go forward real-world in the simulation of a time loop, and your real-life head remembering what you did on previous cycles was the only mechanic," the human takes another bite, then dons his uniform shirt while chewing it. After his head pops out of the not-so-crisp-and-fresh uniform neck hole, buttons still done up, he finishes, "one of them had a supernova." [That would be Outer Wilds among the bunch of games with this mechanic, er, Minnit (I know it's spelled differently than "minute"), 12 Minutes, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, and- ...I'm sure there are more.]
11h19m28s: Starting void 1 (L30).
With the thermal gloves on, Tightniks gets the void map into the portal device slot. It dematerializes and his fingers close where it used to be in his hands, then he yelps, stands up and starts dancing, "Oh crap, it's cold!" He quickly starts looking for stuff to bundle up. Once not too uncomfortable, he notices something, "You're having trouble, too?"
"No," Yellow and Red look at each other, "Well, not with the cold; this route has a poisonous atmosphere, slows down our young assimilating aluminum at the proper rate."
"Manning the traps will work at full speed, right?" Tightniks says.
"Should if your fingers can handle it," Red confirms.
11h33m57s: Void 1c100.
"You are one ugly muthaf[garble]!" he says when he sees the void boss, "Stay here, I'll be back." Runs some traps, grabs a couple helmets for the fresh volunteers, "Put these on."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the red one, really rather perplexed.
"I agree, that's not his usual accent," Red tilts his head, "Tightniks, what has gotten in to you?"
"Stop cheering me up," the human grumbles, "You think this is the real Quaid?"
"I think the cold is affecting him more than he realizes," Yellow offers.
"Phased plasma rifle in the forty watt range," but what the dizzy pilot actually throws at the zone boss is a Mace V-4, "and then I was thinking of breaking your neck."
[Felt like some- "Arnie? Well, the union is pulling out all the big guns today, huh?" (Tom Hanks as Sully) ...no, brain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, not Arnie Gentile (it was really funny to background Sully and listen to that line instead of "That's definitely you" in Terminator 2 while he's posing with the Minigun.) Arnie lines from Predator, Terminator 2, True Lies, Total Recall and The Terminator.]
"Tweak the portal," reads Tightniks from the portal controller aloud, but quietly, "to bring you to an alternate reality, where Trimps are bigger and stronger, to force yourself to figure out a way to build larger housing. Your Trimps will gather 50% more resources, but your housing will fit 50% fewer Trimps. If you complete The Dimension of Anger without disabling the challenge, your stats will return to normal."
"You will also open a new memory coolant unit," Yellow reads, "You think that'll cause a housing bonus?"
"Shijou," the grey one hands him a card saying "We have enough for another gateway."
"Oh, good," Tightniks hands it back after signing it, "Yes, build it."
"We're doing that next?" Yellow asks.
Tightniks sees the little fellow sitting on top of a mound that the human thought was a bowel movement pile from Draglimp, but it must be something more geological if trimps can climb it, let alone want to. "Yeah, I guess," the human answers, "It kinda scares me, I mean I'm going back, but what happens to you guys?"
"We have too much day javo or whatever you called it," Red says. He's usually on all fours, shakes his left hind leg as though something got stuck to his foot, "This isn't incrementing, I'm sure. 13 is less than 956."
"According to this, you'll be twice as big," Tightniks sets down the portal controller pad and stands up from the cart, "It's hard to imagine, especially for Shijou and Diggy. We'll clear thirty-six, that's it."
14h04m37s: Z33c95, IC.
"Are you sure we can make Zone 37 start?" the red one asks.
The yellow one is standing on Red's shoulders.
"It said we did last time," Tightniks taps on the crude leather bag strapped to his back, the portal pad inside it, "though maybe..." he tilts his head, rolls whatever he was sucking on in his mouth for a moment, "it just happened while I was building those traps. No, I'm sticking with that plan."
"If it's going to take that long," Red grinds its jaws sideways for a moment and lets its eyelids get lazy, frustration clear in its tone, "why do it again?"
"Because I've got a bad feeling about this 'Size' thing," Tightniks says, "it drops our resourcing by 75% assuming we build the same amount of housing as before, which we won't because of the reduced resourcing. We needed 65 capacity in the cabin and huts before we could do run the gypsum/paper wall machine we found. I have a funny feeling that never changes."
"We don't need 65 trimps to run it," Yellow says, "just three."
"Yeah," Tightniks says, "but a particular three that know what they're doing, and my day javoo is telling me the last of those is always the sixty-fifth."
"Shijou," the grey one moans from the other side of Tightniks. Didn't have a note this time, just kicking a little rock along as it walks.
"It thinks you're right," the red one growls forlornly, "Hating to say it, but I do too."
14h16m06s: Skel in c1, 50 bones purchased whipimp.
There's a thump at the cart, and then some commotion around it that's noticable enough for Tightniks to come over and take a look. The bone box is empty, all forty-nine titanium bones in it are gone. Tightiks brings his right hand up in front of him, and it's just a balled fist, the bone he was holding a moment ago is gone. As he starts looking for where he must have dropped it, he realizes maybe it's all related. Looking in the bottom of the empty bone box, he finds a note.
"I got you the whipimp. This new Bad Guy will begin spawning in your next zone at an average of 3 spawns per 100 enemies. I hope it helps, but I can't tell yet."
The note is in Tightniks' own handwriting, although lazy but with more consistent kerning. Is this from an older version of myself? Friggin' time travel.
14h18m48s: This L34 moun 160/27/79 calls itself "Magical Mountain" - I can't remember whether the Disney trademark is that or "Magic Mountain" ...I've seen a "Black Mesa" before, that's a Half-Life thing, and somebody on Reddit made pretend that "Dank Hill" was a King of the Hill thing (which is actually *Hank Hill, I think - it's hard to remember, it wasn't very good and I haven't watched it since the 1990s.)
19h32m00s: Doom/AT, 12816 pop, 80N, 37.7s RC with Z34/5298.
"Okay, we got that friggin' thing chocked," Yellow wipes its brow and almost bonks itself with the Mace VI-2 that it's holding, puts it down and makes sure the wedges are secure.
Grey, Red, and Green are packing more stuff around the huge boulder that chased them down a tunnel to make sure it doesn't do that again.
"Getting any day javoo?" Tightniks pants, hands on his knees, but apparently uninjured, or nearly so.
"Not at all," Yellow vehemently responds, slashing the air with its paw, "You?"
"Oh," Tightniks gets his breathing under control, "I think it was a human movie."
"Like a video on that pad?" it gestures at the human's pocket with the small one.
"No, a bigger screen," the human says.
"Fifty-five inches?" the trimp scientist chuckles.
"More like fifty-five feet," the human rubs the sweat out of his eyes, "Lots of people watching. It was called a sin."
"Ah," the trimp ponders, "Like a crime, vice, psychopathy or bad habit?"
"Er..." the human taps his forehead trying to remember, "Sorry, a cinema."
[The whole thing is obviously an homage to something I remember only slightly better than Tightniks, I think it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As I'm posting this, I sadly realize that Nick Rekieta's arrest was between when I wrote this and now.]
19h58m55s: Zone 37, 473 He, 23.67 He/hr, 13088 pop, 81N, 32.1s RC with Z34/5298, 2806 pop short, no turkimp.
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...

I don’t know where else to say this. No one believes me, no one that hasn’t seen it already. But I have to say something so here it is and the world can decide.
I was a good worker. I showed up for my shifts and did what my written job description said, never missed a day or a chance for a day off. My goal was to be average, to not be good enough to noticed and given more responsibilities, but also not be bad enough to be noticed and put on watch. It’s what I’ve done all my life. Fly under the radar, be easily missed during inspections and blend into the crowd. I got B’s in school, had no intention of going to college or university, not like I’d ever be able to afford it, just wanted a secure job to let me afford my underachieving lifestyle. Took me almost ten years to find something like that, drifitng from one job to another, leaving when too many people started to notice I was much better at the job than I let on.
And eventually I found the perfect fit for myself. I was an overnight security operator, don’t get excited it’s a fancy title for spending all night watching security monitors, for a commuter train. I can’t say which one or where for the safety of others and myself. The job was simple, watch the camera feeds of my designated train and write a report for anything unusual. On a rare occasion make a statement to the police, and I mean rare occasion. In my five years doing that job I spoke to the police maybe twice before the incident.
I think that’s enough background so onto the point. It was a regular Thursday night, shift started at 10pm, working with Larry, Bob, and Sue (not their real names for their safety and more importantly, mine) watching the cameras. Made some notes, forgotten umbrella (wasn’t raining), camera glitch, group of 4 drunk men, person in hoodie doing the drug addict lean (you know the one). The camera glitch was expected, an extension to the rail line was recently completed which included a very long tunnel through a hill side, which about the middle of it was so deep that the cameras would cut out for about 2-3 seconds. It was actually pretty amazing that we got any signal from the trains in the tunnel at all. The wonders of signal boosters. But something about that night caught my attention. I didn’t know what it was at first, just felt something was off. I ignored it that night because at 3 am, everything feels weird. At the end of the shift, about 930am I made my report for the night, handed the desk over to Bill (again, not their real name) and went home on the same train system I monitored.
But the feeling was still in my head. Something happened on the train that night that I wasn’t consciously aware of. I ignored it still, drank my favorite cheap whiskey and went to bed. The feeling stayed with me the next few days. That damned feeling that you know something isn’t right but you can’t figure out. It’s like when you accidently put your phone in a different pocket than normal. So finally on Monday night (you have no idea how busy security monitors get on weekends) when my trains were in the depot getting cleaned I brought up the Thursday night footage and scrolled through it. Same things I made note of were there but the feeling was still there. So I went through it again. And again. The fifth time through I finally found it.
On the third wagon, almost in the blindspot between the cameras, at 2:58am was a regular person just playing a game on their phone. The camera glitched for 2 seconds, and they were gone. I though maybe they just moved completely into the blindspot but no, they were gone. Didn’t get off the train, didn’t reappear. I checked the entire recording of the night. I had no idea what to do. I should have told someone, or made a report, or anything. Instead, I told myself that was really weird and kept doing my thing. Flying under the radar, trying to be mostly invisible.
Two weeks later on Monday night, I saw it again. The camera glitch, and someone disappearing. I scrolled back the footage to make sure. Again, I did nothing. This time telling myself it was just shadows on the lense or the plastic bubble around the camera was dirty. But you know what they say; once is odd, twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern. The third time I did something. I made a report. Yeah, real brave i know. Making a comment about “shadows on the lense after tunnel glitch” on my daily report. But that night I started looking into missing people cases. Larry asked what I was doing, I said reading the news while my train was getting cleaned. Better than Bob, who was usually watching youtube and/or playing games on his phone while his train was still making rounds.
Anyways, I found some leads. 3 missing people, last seen heading to the public commuter train before disappearing. But there were more, so many more. Dozens over the past several years, all last seen heading into the area above the new tunnel. Unsurprisingly, they had all been alone at the time.
I won’t go into detail about how this troubled me for nearly a year. Just know that eventually curiosity got its way. On a night off I got my jacket and went out to a train station. Late spring night, a bit colder than prefered, 2am train. The last circuit before this train would make for the depot for maintenance. And I was on it. It would take nearly an hour to reach the tunnel and I was scared but I had to know. Like all those times you watch or read some horror and the character starts reaching for the obviously dangerous thing, you mock them endlessly but I understood now. Fear of the unknown is strong and just seeing what is obviously evil will help you put it out of your mind. But I knew the rules. Be ready to run, have two exits planned, don’t look back.
I sat near the door because I didn’t want to stand the whole time. And when the train finally barreled into the tunnel I started to regret my choice. It was nearly a mile long and just enough room for the train and a very brave worker on each side. I watched my watch 2:59am and ticking closer to 3am. Tick, tick, tick. Who knew a twenty year old analog watch could be so ominous? But then my watch stopped. I looked out the windows and the train had stopped. Not rolled to a stop like trains need to do, just complete dead stop and I didn’t notice. But the lights on the walls were stretched out, the effect that you can only see when you’re moving past them really fast in the dark. My first thought, being a sci-fi fan was that time stopped, yet I moved.
Then I heard a scream and footsteps at the end of the train behind me. I thought about the rules of survival I made and then thought about time being stopped, would the doors open? WOuld I be safe jumping from the train? I’ve seen what happens when someone gets clipped by a train (one of the reasons I had to speak to police) and it’s messy. I heard another scream, desperate and afraid, then the sound of someone tumbling to the floor and something scratching over the floor. A phone bounced off my foot and spun to a stop in front of me. I looked down at it as the screams behind mean grew more horrified and pained. I dared a look at the window to see the reflection of what was happening. And the best I can say is smoke pouring over someone but it was completely shredding the person like a blender but not making a noise and vacuuming up the shreds. Some mental fortitude I didn’t know about kept me from puking and stock still. The screams eventually came to a wet gurgling end and in the reflection I saw a pair of lights flick on in the smoke. Looking back they were eyes but in the moment they were two neon blue lights looking at the window, then making eye contact with me in the reflection. I held my breath.
The smoke soundlessly glided up the aisle and I kept still, not moving at all, keeping my eyes exactly were they were focused before. It drifted closer and closer to me and by god I wanted to cry. It hovered there letting me catch a scent and I want to say it smelled like something burning, or like rot and death, or anything bad. But it was worse, so much worse. It smelled like cooked pork, lightly burnt. It hovered for what felt like hours beside me, I was desperate for air, my eyes were burning from not blinking and those neon lights were staring into my soul. Then the train wobbled as it passed a bend. I have no idea when the thing disappeared or when time resumed, felt like I blacked out for a moment but I know that's not what it was.
I sat there in my seat blinking and breathing deeply to recover. And then I looked down. The phone was still on the floor near my feet. I left it there but I kept staring at it, like when you notice broken glass on the ground and focus on it so you can avoid stepping in it. At the next station i got off the train and went to an always open fast food place. I got a coffee and started writing this. It would be two hours until a train back towards my apartment, one that takes the old long route around the tunnel.
I didn't sleep that day. How could I after watching someone get shredded and devoured? So I sat at my PC and wandered through my games library all day. Think I fell asleep a couple times for maybe an hour. Next night I went to work like normal, focused on my usual behavior. But after two hours I was called into my supervisor's office.
It was relatively normal, they check in with night shift people every few months to make sure we're doing okay. See if we want to change to day shift for mental health. Was all normal until he put his clipboard down and off to the side. He took a deep breath and looked at me, like really looked. That deep penetrating look when someone can see through your lies.
“You saw it.” He said. Three simple words that felt like he was telling me I had a fatal incurable illness. I just nodded. “You have two choices now. Like all of us that know. Either you leave and find a new job and never speak of the incident because you will be a suspect in the disappearance; or you keep doing your job as you always have but with a raise to ignore the camera glitches.” I sat for a while assuming I had to make a choice then and there.
That conversation has been burned into my brain. I still remember it verbatim. And I wish I could say I made the morally correct choice. But I'm an underachieving coward always looking to take the easy path. So I still watch the cameras through the night, but with some extra money to ignore the occasional camera glitch on the extension. I found out accidentally that Larry and Sue also knew about the incidents and made the same choice I did. And we all knew the same amount of nothing and we prefer it that way.
So that's why I'm putting this out there. Maybe someday someone better than me can figure this out.
I still can't eat pork.

So, this is an asian (China/Taiwan/HK/Japan, not Vietnam/Laos/etc) live action movie about a insomniac (irrc) who has delusions/ daydreams/ hallucinations - some of them about weird f*****s. I tried every google search possible, looked up directors pages on imdb, some wikipedia lists and came up blank, so I’m counting on other people knowing this movie or someone who makes movies in this style to help me. I haven’t exhausted the basic imdb, google, wikipedia searches, but I figure since google sucks now and me not being able to describe it concisely to it that I might as well ask reddit. The dream/ hallucination sequences are in anime style, pretty phsycheledic and kinda colorful. From memory it's a little like episdoes 25-26 of Evangelion, looking more like sketches/storyboards and being at a low framerate. I remember the lines being pretty thick and swiping into the screen.
Now what I recall from the plot, I’ll annotate some stuff in [] that isnt plot related. Protag works night shift at hotel or love hotel, and has some scenes with couples walking in the lobby, sometimes he imagines the couples having [in the anime style I mentioned, but it never became p] n, it was still framed like those *** scenes in pg movies. Pretty sure I’d remember otherwise]. An adult man comes in with a preteen/ early teens girl. Not sure if it’s implied a *** situation or just a regular fathedaughter duo travelling or something [I remember feeling uncomfortable with this part]. Protag imagines them having *** [not anything explict pictured]. A few scenes later he gets fired, due to the manager or owner hiring a relative [pretty sure this is social commentary on workers not having their rights or something, maybe look for authors who’d do that?]. Then he gets a job at cash register at a *** shop or a p*n movie rental. There’s some scenes with guys coming in and out, his fantasies get worse and more violent and he becomes more jitery with people. He leaves the counter and hears some men talking about violent stuff, and quits the job [they were probably talking about illegal shit, i don’t remember]. The job he gets after is a day job and here the insomnia comes into play. It’s a boring cubicle job and he can’t sleep when he comes home at night, so he goes around riding the bus [this part is probably where kid me got bored and was giving up on the movie]. He falls asleep on the bus and gets robbed, I think he couldn’t get to work because of that. He starts drinking and the movie gets more abstract, lots of animation cutting in and out, neon signs at night flashing, stuff like that.
After that point i don’t remember anything really, it was usual for me to watch something until the middle and stop, or fall asleep since I did this at night, or just scroll around the seekbar until it stopped loading because of bad internet. One thing that bored me, and I remember, was that most of the movie is the guy sitting around with some ambience. There are two basic shots, one far away with him sititng at his job, and a close up over shoulder kinda thing, where he starts to daydream/ hallucinate. There are also several long shots of him just in the bus, empty or with few people, the protag is staring down at his feet, then out the window, they go on for a while. I initially thought this was definetly a longer movie, but while writing this monster I became unsure. I had poor attention span (thank god tiktok wasnt a thing) and this could very well be a 40min movie, or even shorter with the boredom making me think it’s longer.I saw it around 2010-2011. Could be a little earlier or a little later, but I was: 1 – Using torrents or knowing websites for obscure movies 2 – Weirded enough by the s****ll aspects - which I wouldn’t be had I been older - and bored by the slower pace of the movie. So I’m pretty sure it was at this time, so the movie has to have come out before that.I’m not sure the sources I even used for movies at that point in my life, I was basically going on webstes that were kinda like putlocker - a pirate version of netflix - and I’d just click around the movies. Back then you could find pirated stuff more easily on google. But I could also have torrented it, but that’s less likely since I didn’t care about preserving what I watched.
I really hope some film nerd can find this, even though I found it boring back then I think I’d appreciate it now.

I love my brothers and sister to death.
That doesn't mean I don't envy them. They grew up in a normal imperfect family while I lived and grew up with our grandparents.
I'm their half sister but loved me whole-heartedly. Cheered me up when I'm sad, listened even when I talk nonsense, my constant cheerleaders and bestfriends.
Growing up, I was multi-talented and an over-achiever. Lahat ng pwedeng gawin ng isang estudyante, ginawa ko. Sports, quiz bees, beauty pageants, singing and dance competitions, student leader, school paper, lahat yan sinalihan ko and lahat may award ako, hindi lang participation. I'm always on top my class. Always.
Panganay ako. My siblings watched and cheered for me kapag kasama sila manuod ng kung ano mang ganap ko sa school. Because I live with my grandparents in a different town, madalas wala akong kasama. I always thought proximity was the reason.
I am now 26 years old and clinically depressed. I realized I was always alone kasi hindi importante sa lola ko ang proseso. Growing up, paulit ulit na sinasabi sakin ng lola ko na dapat lagi akong magaling. Dapat lagi akong panalo. May ibang pamilya na yung mama ko, my dad is out of the picture, and I am all alone. Lagi nyang sinasabi na naaawa lang daw sya sakin kaya nya ako inaalagaan. Kapalit ng pag aalaga nila sakin ng lolo ko, dapat lagi akong panalo. Dapat laging magaling. Dapat laging pinaka-magaling para daw end of school year, hindi nakakahiya. Nakakahiya naman daw kasi kung hindi ako first honor. Kaya lahat sinalihan ko. Siguro determination ko rin kaya lagi din naman akong nananalo.
I remember bringing home graded test papers na ako naman yung highest, di nga lang perfect scores. My lola would say, "bakit minali mo pa yung isa/dalawa/tatlo?" "Sinong highest?"
I grew up alone and scared of life. I didn't know why I existed. I still dont. I just thought, if I don't win in these competitions, my mom, step dad and siblings won't come to my recognition day/graduation day. I always thought they would love me less.
Today, one of my brothers graduate. I feel sad and envious at how my mom is so excited. She's been telling me these past few days "gagraduate na si my brother sa 29" kahit na alam ko naman na kasi ako yung umaattend ng mga meeting sa school nya.
I am incredibly proud of my brother. Hindi high honors but with honors. I saw how he studied and cooked para sa grades na meron sya. (SHS, TVL-cookery) kaya nagi-guilty ako na sobrang lungkot ko kasi inggit na inggit ako. I graduated high school na parang wala lang despite my awards.
For my siblings, competion is achievement. Awards are bonus. Proud na sa kanila yung parents nila. Para sakin, dapat laging panalo. My mom was advised to attend my HS graduation last minute na kasi my tita and lola doesn't want to attend kasi they were expecting na MAS MARAMI akong awards. Muntik na akong umattend ng graduation ko na mag isa. Naalala ko pa sabi ko noon, "wag na lang kaya, okay lang yun. Pwede naman pick upin na lang yung diploma next time". Im glad my mom showed up.
Ewan ko ba. Kahit alam ko na yung mga nangyari at maling mentality noon, ang hirap pa rin mag adjust. Ang hirap paniwalain yung sarili ko na enough ako tulad ng mga kapatid ko na enough just by existing. Ang hirap paniwalaan. Para pa rin akong nagsisinungaling sa sarili ko.
I now work and still have the constant need to be the best and be recognized. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So I've been waiting month after month for a good TYBW banner to drop again but after seeing the trailer, I just had to vent. (Please note these are just my personal opinion, if anything I've said offends you/resonates with you, feel free to comment your thoughts on my points.)

1. Yet another '2 character' banner.

I can understand if its for Mid Month but why do this for EOM? This is not the first and will probably not be the last time either. (TYBW Rangiku was clearly supposed to be the 3rd character in 'Wings of Frost' summons but was omitted and thrown into 'Reinforcement' summons a month later, I wouldn't be surprised if Ryuken is a random third in a future TYBW banner)

1. Remakes of past TYBW characters.

Some people are saying they prefer KLAB to focus on giving us newer characters, like Sternritters, instead of remaking old ones, especially those that haven't resurrected yet, to garner more hype for the game. Frankly, I do not mind remakes so long as they're improved visually compared to their old versions.

1. Declining character art.

Lately some of the Mid Month character art have been 'off' and some are accusing KLAB of slacking and using AI but it was still excusable. However this time, we have a TYBW EOM banner and Isshin's art is looking quite bland compared to Masaki's art. Now I'm not an artist so I can't point out what exactly is wrong with it. Maybe it's the shading, coloring, artstyle, or a combination of them all but personally, it just doesn't feel like Young Isshin from the TYBW anime but more akin to the style from 'Tower of God' anime. Masaki on the other hand looks and feels like she came directly from the anime.

1. Gameplay Visuals are lacking

TYBW 'Reinforcements' had some of the most boring gameplay visuals outta the TYBW series so I was hoping this banner would be a refreshing reminder of how cool TYBW units can be but I was met with nothing but disappointment.
Masaki has a light shade of blue for all of her gameplay which results in dull looking SAs at times. Her SA1 shoots out arrows from the sky that pushes out enemies but 70% of it is filled with a giant smoky cloud effect. Her SA2 is a barrage of arrows being shot but they're being shot out in waves which makes it look semi awkward compared to other continuous barrage attacks. Her SA3, which was supposed to be her iconic attack where she kills White with 1 arrow, just has a slit open up in the air and bright light come out of it for a fullscreen attack. All in all, it just feels like there's not much effort to make it look exciting. Comparing this Masaki to the one we got almost 4 years ago, I actually prefer the latter. And that was made to be a NAD character while this was made to be a SP character.
Isshin also suffers from the same light shade of orange that makes his SAs look dull. (not as bad as Masaki tho mainly because flames will look decent no matter). His SA1 is a simple lunge with flames, not bad but nothing impressive either. His SA2 is a homing vortex made out of flames, again not bad but nothing impressive. His SA3 is a full screen attack where he leaps up and a giant flaming sword appears from the ground and cuts his enemies under him. Sounds cool right? Except that the animation lasts about a fraction of a second and then its done. (Seriously, even played in 0.25 and it showed for only a second) No lasting visual effects, no cool sound effects its just.... so uninspiring. Again, comparing this Isshin to the one from nearly 4 years ago, the latter comes out on top again.
I went back to rewatch Everything But The Rain and it was full epic fight moments from both Isshin and Masaki that I'm dumbfounded by what we got ...

1. Soul Bomb Animations

If there was any positive thing to be said about these remakes then it would have to be the SB animations. They are just stunningly beautiful, the quality has actually gone up alot and not just comparing between the old versions but in general. It is very noticeable during the part where it zooms in onto Masaki's face as she prepares to shoot, the chibi model looks very HD. And the arrows here look bright and vibrant along with Isshin's flames, which begs the question: Why wasn't the same applied to their gameplay?

1. Last notes

I know KLAB are busy with their new Bleach game and Kubo is busy with the TYBW anime so I don't expect quality 100% of the time but the falloff from EOY TYBW to this EOM TYBW is crazy steep. Even last year after anni part 2, the TYBW banners released (mind you 1 was MID MONTH) were still visually amazing and it is sad to see. KLAB needs to realize that they can't just slap OP skills onto a character and call it a day. I hope this is just a hiccup period and not an omen for BBS's potential bleak future. Most likely gonna skip and hope KLAB brings out their S game for 9th anni part 1 and 2.

So, this is an asian (China/Taiwan/HK/Japan, not Vietnam/Laos/etc) live action movie about a insomniac (irrc) who has delusions/ daydreams/ hallucinations - some of them about weird f*****s. I tried every google search possible, looked up directors pages on imdb, some wikipedia lists and came up blank, so I’m counting on other people knowing this movie or someone who makes movies in this style to help me. I haven’t exhausted the basic imdb, google, wikipedia searches, but I figure since google sucks now and me not being able to describe it concisely to it that I might as well ask reddit. The dream/ hallucination sequences are in anime style, pretty phsycheledic and kinda colorful. From memory it's a little like episdoes 25-26 of Evangelion, looking more like sketches/storyboards and being at a low framerate. I remember the lines being pretty thick and swiping into the screen.
Now what I recall from the plot, I’ll annotate some stuff in [] that isnt plot related. Protag works night shift at hotel or love hotel, and has some scenes with couples walking in the lobby, sometimes he imagines the couples having [in the anime style I mentioned, but it never became p] n, it was still framed like those *** scenes in pg movies. Pretty sure I’d remember otherwise]. An adult man comes in with a preteen/ early teens girl. Not sure if it’s implied a *** situation or just a regular fathedaughter duo travelling or something [I remember feeling uncomfortable with this part]. Protag imagines them having *** [not anything explict pictured]. A few scenes later he gets fired, due to the manager or owner hiring a relative [pretty sure this is social commentary on workers not having their rights or something, maybe look for authors who’d do that?]. Then he gets a job at cash register at a *** shop or a p*n movie rental. There’s some scenes with guys coming in and out, his fantasies get worse and more violent and he becomes more jitery with people. He leaves the counter and hears some men talking about violent stuff, and quits the job [they were probably talking about illegal shit, i don’t remember]. The job he gets after is a day job and here the insomnia comes into play. It’s a boring cubicle job and he can’t sleep when he comes home at night, so he goes around riding the bus [this part is probably where kid me got bored and was giving up on the movie]. He falls asleep on the bus and gets robbed, I think he couldn’t get to work because of that. He starts drinking and the movie gets more abstract, lots of animation cutting in and out, neon signs at night flashing, stuff like that.
After that point i don’t remember anything really, it was usual for me to watch something until the middle and stop, or fall asleep since I did this at night, or just scroll around the seekbar until it stopped loading because of bad internet. One thing that bored me, and I remember, was that most of the movie is the guy sitting around with some ambience. There are two basic shots, one far away with him sititng at his job, and a close up over shoulder kinda thing, where he starts to daydream/ hallucinate. There are also several long shots of him just in the bus, empty or with few people, the protag is staring down at his feet, then out the window, they go on for a while. I initially thought this was definetly a longer movie, but while writing this monster I became unsure. I had poor attention span (thank god tiktok wasnt a thing) and this could very well be a 40min movie, or even shorter with the boredom making me think it’s longer.I saw it around 2010-2011. Could be a little earlier or a little later, but I was: 1 – Using torrents or knowing websites for obscure movies 2 – Weirded enough by the s****ll aspects - which I wouldn’t be had I been older - and bored by the slower pace of the movie. So I’m pretty sure it was at this time, so the movie has to have come out before that.I’m not sure the sources I even used for movies at that point in my life, I was basically going on webstes that were kinda like putlocker - a pirate version of netflix - and I’d just click around the movies. Back then you could find pirated stuff more easily on google. But I could also have torrented it, but that’s less likely since I didn’t care about preserving what I watched.
I really hope some film nerd can find this, even though I found it boring back then I think I’d appreciate it now.

Wednesday WTA matches are below. I'll put the Thursday matches up tomorrow in the evening EST.

Swiatek vs Osaka :

Iga Swiatek will have a very high profile matchup in round two, and it should be entertaining tennis. Osaka has played admirably in her return to clay. She’s trying her best, she’s problem-solving on court, she’s complimentary to her opponents, and she’s winning matches. To do all that post-pregnancy and post-clay struggles is a great thing in itself, and it’s good to see her enjoying tennis again. Her backhand inside out remains one of the best on tour, and her serve and power are enough to making this interesting. 3 sets with Bronzetti indicates she probably won’t get within striking distance of Swiatek, but Bronzetti will make you really earn a win so it’s a solid second round performance.
The courts in RG are playing slow, and as DC insider redswader pointed out, the rainy conditions are making them even slower. It makes it really tough to hit through Swiatek, and she isn’t just a defensive test. She has the windmill forehand technique that Rafa made famous, and her backhand moves the ball well and is fairly hard to read. This should be fun, but Swiatek in 2 by at least 3 breaks.

Fett vs Bouzkova :

If you like 20 shot rallies, this is the match for you. Jana Fett has tons of experience, and is finding herself back on tour for the first time in a while. She’s a solid baseliner, and is playing someone who is best described as a wall. Bouzkova rarely misses with her backhand, and her defense and speed are good enough to keep her consistently in the top 50 on tour. Bouzkova is expected to be the stronger player here, but I don’t see a great way for her to win quickly. Her serve isn’t particularly great, and Fett beat a solid player in Bouzas Maneiro. Bouzkova in 2-3.

Golubic vs Potapova :

Big surprise for Golubic to beat Krejcikova in round one, and yet not a surprise at all for Krejcikova to lose in round one. Barbora has been really inconsistent for a while now, and Golubic is more than capable of keeping the ball moving enough to benefit if Krejcikova is spraying errors. Annnnnnnd she was. 51 unforced errors in total, although 34 winners is also pretty impressive.
Potapova won’t help Golubic win here, and she just hit through a similar test in Kamila Rakhimova. Potapova hits real big, and she’s hungry for these wins. I expect her to win in 2.

Wang Xinyu vs Tomova :

Tomova was expected to give Alexandrova trouble, but Alexandrova forgot to give Tomova trouble. It sets up a very winnable second round for Tomova. She hits a heavy heavy forehand and on these slow courts it really works. Wang is through after besting Niemeier in 3, and while she’s not at her best on clay, she has good enough tennis to win. This reminds me a bit of the Arnaldi Fils match. Wang has the game to beat Tomova if she’s patient, but she tends to go big a bit too often for clay and Tomova’s game doesn’t really fluctuate. Alexandrova is a better win than Wang on paper, but Alexandrova helped by making errors. I expect this to be closer. Tomova in 3.

Collins vs Danilovic :

Collins’ run continues. Danilovic is playing sharp, but the type of pressure that Danielle Collins applies can really bother anyone on tour. Danilovic needs to keep her first serve percentage high, and last round it was only at 59%. That’s not bad, but you want it higher against Collins. The good thing for Olga is she might be able to put some pressure on Collins’ serve with the power she has from the baseline, but the bad news is she’s lefty and going crosscourt will get her in trouble since Danielle loves to trade crosscourt with her backhand and tends to create a larger angle and more depth on every subsequent swing. Collins in 2.

Vekic vs Kostyuk :

Vekic got a forfeit, and playing fresh can be a big advantage. Kostyuk and her both have a similar approach. They hit hard, the end. Vekic does have dropshots at her disposal, but I think Kostyuk is a slightly better mover and in these slow conditions it’ll be tough to hit through her. A long match with Pigossi will have her hitting well also, so Kostyuk in 3.

Siniakova vs Paquet :

Huge surprise win for Paquet in round one, and I realized today I’ve been spelling her name wrong for a while (adding the c before the q). Sorry about that. Anyway, beating Shnaider is great, but I did not catch much of the match so I’m not sure how that happened. Siniakova is projected to win here, and aside from the Shnaider result there’s not much to argue against that. Somehow they’ve played twice with Katerina winning both, but those wins were in 2016-17. Siniakova in 2, but I would get too specific with any predictions here since Paquet is playing at home and her game is entirely built around her serve.

Volynets vs Vondrousova :

Volynets and Vondrousova has the potential to last 2 hours even if it’s a straight setter. Vondrousova has more ways to score here, but Volynets commitment to defense has elevated her game. Those little squash gets and lobs might get dismissed once, but having to execute over and over can draw errors, and Volynets speed can make people force shots. Vondrousova isn’t exactly automatic on her offense. Despite the hype, Volynets will have a really hard time scoring on Marketa, so I think extending rallies is the best she can do. Vondrousova in 2-3.

Gauff vs Zidansek :

Gauff didn’t bother with her usual slow start here. As she gets more comfortable on tour, the rough performances are less and less frequent, and she rights the ship and wins some of those anyway. Zidansek was a clay specialist and a mainstay on tour, but her game has fallen off a bit due to some injuries and inactivity. This should be fun, but Gauff should be a break better in each set. Gauff in 2.

Wang Yafan vs Yastremska :

Big win for Wang in round one. She’s ranked 68 now, but just a season ago she was winning Challenger events and hinting at a move inside the top 100. Wins at majors are hard to come by, so this was great for her. Her variety and defensive style might give Yastremska a bit of trouble here. Yastremska is supposed to win though, and she’ll have ample time to figure it out. Yastremska in 2-3.

Samsonova vs Anisimova :

Samsonova crushed Linette in round one and is a deserved favorite here, but Anisimova’s win should not be overlooked. Sramkova almost beat Ostapenko (third set tb) and has been one of the big surprises in the clay swing. Anisimova has a decent chance to beat Samsonova here but it will take her best tennis. Samsonova didn’t face a breakpoint in round one, and will likely continue to play well here. Anisimova has the h2h 2-0, but both were close. Conditions are better for Samsonova, and while I’m expecting this to be very close there really isn’t a result that would surprise me here. Both players’ levels can deviate a great deal, and both are lights out when their offense is flowing. Samsonova in 3.

Bucsa vs Cocciaretto :

Haddad Maia continues to struggle to close matches out. Cocciaretto was down a set against her but managed to win in three. It wasn’t smooth sailing and there were a number of breaks exchanged, but Haddad never really regained her best form. It sets up an interesting match against one of the tour’s more unsung but likely phenoms. Cristina Bucsa hits the ball huge despite appearing to only weight about 15 pounds. Her frame is light, but she will hit winner after winner when she’s in a rhythm. This matchup is all offense.
Cocciaretto has a better backhand and a better serve, but Bucsa moves better and ended the match with Starodubtseva in excellent form. Vaguely expecting this to go 3, but it’ll require Bucsa to avoid the errors that had her down a break early against Staro. Bucsa in 3. Feels wrong to type is but I think she’s ready to win.

Ostapenko vs Tauson :

Their two previous meetings have gone three sets, and both are playing decent. Ostapenko isn’t at the level that won her a RG title in 2017, but her offense is big enough to give Tauson trouble. Tauson probably isn’t quick enough to defend against Ostapenko’s onslaught, but her serving is good enough to keep her out of trouble for some portion of the match. Basically, neither player can run down their opponent’s power. I think Ostapenko actually has more stamina in this matchup, which is rare to say. Ostapenko in 3.

Kenin vs Garcia :

Another really hard match here. Kenin has beaten Garcia in all three of their meetings, but none of them were on clay and her current level should be considered independent of all earlier performances. Kenin is not the same player that challenged for major titles, and from round to round her level can disappear. She won a surprise in round one against Siegemund, and that’s actually the level she’d need to give Garcia trouble.
Garcia needs to isolate Kenin’s forehand to win this. Her own forehand is her best weapon, and if she’s serving well she should win the match. For Kenin, she needs to keep the ball in difficult spots for Garcia. Height, slices, and dropshots. Force Garcia to create her own power, because if you give Garcia pace she redirects incredibly well. Expecting another 3 setter here. Garcia in Garthreeya? Awful, awful joke. The h2h makes me think I’m wrong, but Garcia has simpler ways to score here. I’d avoid trusting me here because I didn’t see the Kenin/Siegemund clash.

Fernandez vs Wang Xiyu :

This is a fun one. Fernandez is clearly better on clay, and should win. All that is true, but Wang has so much power that it might not be possible for Fernandez to win in straights. Earning every point is tough, and early on in Fernandez’s career she had trouble against the bigger hitters on tour. Fernandez in 3.

Osorio vs Jabeur :

Osorio Kalinina was one of the most exciting matches of the entire first round, but it ended sadly in a retirement. Kalinina was hitting the ball huge and constantly breaking Osorio’s serve. Osorio was defending with incredible heart and managed to get back into the game multiple games each set. In the end, Kalinina had to withdraw. I had her beating Jabeur with the level she was at, but I think Osorio will have a tougher time. Jabeur looked pretty good in round one, and despite her slump, clay is still a great surface for her. She’ll be able to dominate from the baseline with power in the same way that Kalinina did, and Osorio had a really hard time holding serve so Jabeur should win. It’s always a big should with Jabeur, and with her sort of slump Osorio will know that it is possible to outlast her. Maybe not physically, but mentally. Jabeur can get discouraged, so this is a risky spot. Jabeur in 2 or Osorio in 3.

So basically, when I was younger I kept fainting or having issues at school and at home with standing, moving or exercising and they chalked it up to “syncope” and never dug more into it. I’ve had multiple medical issues that got single diagnoses and not really found a cause for them. I realized I have POTS after 8 years of having issues and no idea what was wrong with me. Almost all doctors within a 5 hr radius refuses to diagnose me cause I already done the tilt test when I was 12, and it’s just “syncope” or anxiety, or I just have a fast heart beat, or I just have naturally low blood pressure that drops FAST but no need to be concerned.
I realized this year I have POTS like theres no doubt to it. I don’t feel like I’m crazy anymore once I found out about POTS cause I always thought something was wrong, or that I was just really weak or anemic or low iron idk. I’m just glad I can put a name to what’s going on, even without a diagnoses.
Either way, I was told using a mobility aid might help me enjoy going out more. I can’t stand going to places hardly cause I get headaches, out breath, and dizzy really easy along with sweating due to having to walk. I have almost no exercise tolerance, walking spikes my heart rate to 180, it hit 200 once and I panicked and sat down on hot asphalt to rest. I hate it, I was told a mobility aid should help even if I’m not diagnosed. Am I allowed to do this? Or would this be wrong?
EDIT: On top of this I do have another chronic illness, I have bulging discs in my back, and I have Flatback Syndrome which causes me issues as well.

Hi I hope this isn't a double of another question, or maybe I hope it is because we are terrified and our vet doesn't know yet what we are looking at. It would be nice to see a happy ending.
Our dog, Bubbles, is the cutest little terrier rescue from Tijuana. We are in LA. My wife and I had a baby girl in February and Bubbles loves her. She is so sweet, gentle, and protective of her. About two weeks after we came home though, Bubbles started being skittish about her food. She was really eager for kibble always, but now she wouldn't even touch it in her favorite food dispensing toys. We tried cooking her special meals, canned wet food, all different kinds of natural things, hand feeding her, everything. She would eat one or two meals and then just lose interest. We totally thought it was the stress of having a new baby at home because every time we would leave her with a friend she would go right to her kibble and gobble it up. It was like she was saving the food for the baby.
But then her weird eating habits started to stick. She started losing a lot of weight. Now she is just super skinny... So we took her to the vet.
Even the vet thought she was just playing with us to get attention. But the test results suggested some serious kidney problems. She has been in the hospital two days now on IVs and testing because she was anemic. These are the results of blood work each day.
Creatinine: Day 1 - 3.5; Day 2 - 4 BUN: Day 1 - 115; Day 2 - 90 Phosphorus: 14.5 Sodium: 167 - might be due to IV
Albumin: Day 1 - 2.3; Day 2 - 2.6
Ehrlichia Spp - Positive
We have not taken Bubbles to any rural areas, she doesn't mess with other dogs' poop. She remains super energetic and happy, loves attention and affection and standing on her back legs to get it.
The Dr is worried about kidney failure. He has mentioned the possibility of the Erlichia parasite. Also the possibility of kidney stones.
What does Reddit think? I promise to take any answers with a grain of salt. Any experience with something like this would be amazing to hear about.
thanks in advance for any of your thoughts.

My name is Jessica, and I live in a small central American city of about 80,000 people.Today I'm going to share a story about Korea.First, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my family.When I was born, I already had an older brother.I don't mean just a little sister with an older brother.My brother was adopted from Korea.It's an unusual situation, isn't it? My parents struggled with infertility for several years before I was born, and they ended up adopting my Korean brother.Then, a few years later, they got pregnant with me, and I was born.My brother had different hair color, skin color, and eye color than me, but we got along very well.Even though we knew from a young age that we were adopted because of our differences, we got along well, and we were a family that loved each other deeply.
We played the same games, read books together, and spent a lot of time together. He always took good care of me, and he was a good brother who made me laugh.
I would say, “Brother, let's read this book together!” and he would always smile and read it to me. I think I liked and enjoyed his warmth to me, rather than focusing on the content of the book.
When we left our cozy home environment, it was time to go to school, and during this time, my brother and I were asked a lot of embarrassing questions.One day, while my brother and I were playing together, a friend asked me, “Jessica, why does your brother look different from you?”The question gave me pause, but he smiled and replied, “Because we are a family, looks don't matter. His positive attitude had a good effect on me, and I'm sure he had a good effect on himself, too.Watching him grow up right, and our family became interested in Korea. If he was a troublemaker and always in trouble, he wouldn't have had the time to take the time to learn about his country of origin, Korea, but when he studied well, didn't fight with his friends, and was a good person who always loved and cared for his brother, we couldn't help but wonder about his roots.
I think my parents also had the will to share Korean culture with my brother and me, to learn what they could, to broaden our horizons and deepen our family's understanding.Many years ago, when I was in middle school, my family visited Korea for the first time, and the experience left a great impression on me.
We visited many tourist spots in Seoul and saw the harmonious combination of Korean tradition and modernity.And Korea, with its many dark-haired, dark-eyed people like my brother, was somehow not foreign to me.For Americans traveling to Asia for the first time, this could have been difficult because people look different and give off different vibes, but not for me. My parents, of course, were very excited to revisit Korea, the country of my brother's birth, and spoke so many blessings about the land of my brother's birth.Of course, there were many good things to see and many fun things to do in Korea, but the most memorable moment was when I suddenly developed a high fever.
It was a quiet night in Korea at the time, and I suddenly developed a high fever.This change was so sudden that my parents panicked.Eventually, with the help of the hotel we were staying at, they were able to get me to the emergency room in Korea, where I was quickly treated.Upon arrival, the medical staff quickly assessed my condition and ran the necessary tests.The whole process was organized, and thanks to the professionalism and quick response of the medical staff, I was able to get comfortable quickly. My situation was so serious that my head hurt like a rock and I could barely understand what was being said around me, but thanks to their quick response, my fever started to come down and I was able to return to my senses.The tests showed that I had a severe flu, which had been contracted in the United States and had incubated in Korea.I had to stop traveling in Korea and be admitted to the hospital for treatment, but thanks to the fast and efficient healthcare system in Korea, this was not a problem.
My parents breathed a sigh of relief and expressed their deep gratitude to the Korean healthcare system.“If it wasn't for Korea, I would have been in trouble,” my father said.Although my family had to stop our trip to Korea and spend the rest of my stay in a Korean hospital, looking back, it was also a unique experience abroad.
Many years later, as an adult, my relationship with my brother was still good. We enjoyed Korean dramas, movies, and music together, cooked Korean food together, and learned Korean together.
However, there was a clear difference between me and him: he seemed to be better at learning, even if he spent the same amount of time studying, and he went to a prestigious university, while I failed to get into college and became depressed.
He helped me with my studies every vacation, taught me how to study, and helped me to get into a prestigious university, but the results were not good. I was rejected by all the universities I applied to, and I was going through a very difficult time. After he graduated from college, he moved back home from the East Coast of the United States and helped me study for the college entrance exam, and with his help, I was able to get into college, albeit late.
Although I didn't get into a prestigious university like my brother, I still had a satisfying college experience and broadened my horizons.Naturally, I discovered that Korea has been on the global radar lately, which was very exciting.Korea may be the latest trend for Americans these days, but for me and my brother, it's like going back to our roots.I've always loved Korea, and it was very interesting and fond to reminisce about my trip to Korea when I was in middle school and look through my photo albums, even though half the time I was sick. So, my brother and I decided to visit Korea again, and this time, we had several goals for the trip: we wanted to make sure that we got it right this time, because we didn't get it right the first time, and my brother wanted to get to know his Korean roots better, even though he is now an adult, working as an American and living as an American, and I wanted to get to know my Korean roots better in relation to my major in college, and this time, I wanted to research more about the Korean healthcare system that I had experienced as a child.
Of course, I also wanted to have fun in Korea and enjoy the freedom to roam around the country unlike when I was a student, but I didn't take it too seriously.
Korea was so different from the U.S. It had the look of a big city in the U.S., but it had its own unique vibe. It was much more developed than the neighborhoods we live in in the U.S., and everywhere you looked was filled with people, and there were hundreds or thousands of stores selling a variety of things. If you were walking around and traveling, and you got thirsty and needed a break, there were cafes all around you that you could just pop into and take a break, and you didn't have to go far to find a restaurant that had one Korean food and sold it, because all the infrastructure was there.
Everything is around you, and everything you want or need is always right around the corner, which is why people call city life so convenient and love it.The public transportation system in Korea, which is light years better than the big cities in the U.S., helped us get around without any difficulty.It was also so much fun to get a T-money card, carry it around, and use it to get around Korea for a very low cost.
And when my brother and I would walk around, going to cafes, restaurants, and other places where there was something to do, many Koreans would tell us that we made a good looking couple.When I would tell them, in a pleasant and complimentary way, that we were actually brother and sister, they would look surprised and apologize.
But it's completely understandable, because even in the U.S., more people think of us as a couple or friends than they do as siblings, and there's not much of an adoption culture in Korea, and no one adopts and brings European or American children to Korea, so it's no wonder we get these funny misunderstandings.
To be honest, even in the U.S. nowadays, you can still encounter people who ask my brother and I questions about our relationship with unpleasant intentions to hurt us, assuming that we are not a couple or friends, but maybe even a man.A recent memory is of an American grandfather in his 70s who made a very rude remark to us, asking us what kind of father our father was to have two women give birth at the same time.
In the U.S., most people are friendly and kind to me, but the problem is that some people sometimes make fun of my brother because he looks Asian, but this was not the case in Korea at all.No one discriminated against me because of my different appearance.
And there's actually a story I wasn't going to tell in this article, but I'm writing it down because I had my brother's permission to do so.After arriving in Korea, we decided to search for my adopted brother's birth parents in order to trace his roots.My parents and I respected his decision to pursue this endeavor in Korea, and of course, we decided to support it. We visited the Korean adoption agency and requested my brother's adoption records.The representative provided us with all the information possible and was eager to help us, saying that efforts to find one's roots are ongoing every day.Together, we were able to find some important clues in the records.
My brother decided to visit his birthplace based on those clues, and of course, I joined him on the journey.We were always laughing since we came to Korea, but at this moment, there was more seriousness than laughter.We visited my brother's birthplace together and talked to the local people.
At the time, there was only a vague record of my brother's father and mother, but no proper records, so we only knew where he was born, and we had to go there and find someone who had lived there for a long time.But Korea is a very fast-developing country, and the sad thing is that the area where my brother was born and spent the first few months of his life was already torn down and replaced by a huge apartment complex. We felt that if we had come sooner, at least before these new apartments were built, things would have been at least better than they were, but there was no point in regretting what had passed.We visited the social welfare center and police station in the area, explained our situation, and asked for help.The Korean people were very kind, listening to my brother's story and letting us know what we could do.
We were told that when a new apartment building is built in Korea, new people who have no connection to the area move into the apartment, but that some of the people who live in these new apartments have been living here for a long time, most likely elderly people, and that the best thing to do is to find them and ask them about their past.We felt that this information would be very useful to us, as we were very confused and frustrated.
So my brother and I, along with a Korean lady who felt sorry for us and wanted to help, approached the elderly people who came in and out of the apartment and asked them questions.But despite all our efforts, we were unsuccessful in finding my brother's biological parents.We had many clues and information, but we were unable to find any conclusive evidence.My brother was disappointed, but we were comforted by the fact that we had done our best. Maybe if we could have spent a few weeks, maybe even a few months here to find and talk to an elderly person with memories of the past, we could have found a clue to the solution, but we couldn't stay in Korea, so in the end, we had to give up without proceeding any further.When I saw the look on my brother's face as he said that if he had the chance, he would visit Korea next time for this sole purpose, I felt a great sense of disappointment.“It's a shame that we couldn't find them, but thank you for trying,” he said to me.I couldn't say it anymore.
It would have been great if he could have completed his homework, but he didn't.Contrary to my initial expectations, the Korean adoption agency tried to be as helpful as possible, and I was very grateful to the government officials in the place of my brother's supposed birth, who were very sympathetic to his situation and actively tried to help him, and to the Korean lady who passed by.
Having been treated by the Korean healthcare system in the past, I took this level of care for granted and thought that it was something that everyone could enjoy, but then, when I was a high school student in the U.S., I was seriously ill and did not receive the same care as I did in Korea, so I remember suffering terribly and tried to understand why this difference occurred.
Before I came to Korea, I had already arranged to meet with someone, and although I didn't get to visit any specialized institutions, I was able to meet with Korean college students, and I learned a lot of information from them: medical students, pharmacy students, and I was able to get a lot of information from them.
The Korean healthcare system was different from the U.S. in many ways: it was fast, efficient, and provided a high level of care at a relatively low cost.The quick response and organized system for emergencies was especially impressive.The emergency rooms in Korea were very reasonably priced, allowing people to go to them for minor and mild symptoms.At this point, I thought that if there were a lot of people going to the emergency room for minor symptoms, it would be a problem if someone came in who needed emergency care, but the hospitals in Korea made it very easy to answer that question. I also learned that when a really urgent patient comes in, the emergency room prioritizes the emergency patients and treats them first, ignoring the minor ones. It's so simple and obvious: the doctors have the skills to determine the severity of the patient's condition, and they can prioritize the treatment accordingly.
Not only that, but it was very easy to get an appointment in Korea and the wait time was short. The Korean medical staff emphasized patient care and prompt treatment, and they utilized the latest medical technology and equipment to provide the best possible medical care.
In the U.S., medical care is often very expensive, complicated, and difficult to access quickly, and many people are unable to get proper treatment due to insurance issues.I also received prompt treatment in Korea when I was in middle school without insurance and had to pay a reasonable price, but the experience was a nightmare as I remember being very sick in middle school and high school, and I felt that the Korean system was far superior.I felt that the Korean healthcare system is not for profit, but is dedicated to protecting the health of the people.
Through my experiences in Korea, I learned about a much broader world than what my brother and I knew before.There are many factors that make Korea such a great country, but the culture and system that my brother and I experienced firsthand helped us understand why.And most of all, Korea is the country that made my brother.I have grateful feelings for Korea, which is also my brother's roots.
My brother and I could tell without speaking to each other that through this visit, we saw in each other a willingness to continue to love Korea more and more, and to strive to learn and understand Korean culture.
Korea is now a country that has special meaning to me as an adult, and I think it will be a great pleasure for me to honor my brother's roots and watch Korea develop and grow.I will continue to connect with Korea and try to help more people discover its charms.
And next year, he plans to visit Korea to find his roots once again. He plans to stay in Korea for more than a month, and he will continue his best efforts during that period.

I lost my beloved cat, Edie, a week ago. And it feels like an eternity.
Back in January, I had to leave my grad school and move back in with my parents in my home state following some medical problems where my only treatment options were in my hometown. I took 9 year old Edie with me and did everything I knew to do to make the adjustment easier on her.
Right away, she started having problems with vomiting and urinating/defecating around the house. In February, I took her to the local vet, who ran bloodwork and a fecal test. They said she was probably just anxious but prescribed some antibiotics and an antidiarrheal in case she had an infection of some sort. Edie got somewhat better but continued having issues urinating/defecating outside the litter box. We changed her litter to a fragrance free formula and her food to a sensitive stomacblh formula in hopes it would help, but nothing changed.
All the while, my own health has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Edie stopped sleeping upstairs with me. Then she stopped coming upstairs at all. I avoided being downstairs at all costs. Edie ate and ate but continued to lose weight. My mom said she was worried about Edie, but I assured her the vet said she was fine.
Last Monday, Edie climbed upstairs and snuggled with me for a long time. That night, she collapsed while walking, and we rushed her to emergency vet. Over the course of five months, Edie had dropped from 7 lbs to 2.98 lbs, and her bloodwork showed she was in septic shock. I made the decision to put Edie to sleep, and she died in my arms, away from her home. The vet said Edie probably had cancer even before I adopted her.
I feel like a terrible pet parent. I LOVED that cat. She got me through two family deaths and nearly attempting suicide twice. She slept on my bed; she had everything I knew to give her. I only had her for 18 months, but I loved her like I've never loved anything or anyone before. I feel so hurt and angry. How could I have let my baby go through that? Why didn't I take her to the vet sooner? I was so focused on my own health that I didn't notice Edie getting sicker.
I miss my baby so much. I'd give anything to have her back. My mom made me get a new cat two days ago. He's sweet, but all I feel is a hole in my heart. I want to love him, but all I feel is that it should be Edie with me instead of this new cat.
This week has been hell. My doctor prescribed sedatives just to get me through the nights without her. Every little thing reminds me of my baby, and my mom is actively getting rid of or putting away Edie's things. I wish I could make people understand how goddamn painful it is. How much I'm hurting. I keep breaking down crying over little things. Today it was finding out the color I picked for Edie's urn is the same color as my favorite music box.
I don't want to keep feeling this way. Everything feels so big and everything is moving too fast. This has been the longest week of my life, and I just want Edie here. Words can't describe how much I loved ny baby and how much I miss her.

I love my brothers and sister to death.
That doesn't mean I don't envy them. They grew up in a normal imperfect family while I lived and grew up with our grandparents.
I'm their half sister but loved me whole-heartedly. Cheered me up when I'm sad, listened even when I talk nonsense, my constant cheerleaders and bestfriends.
Growing up, I was multi-talented and an over-achiever. Lahat ng pwedeng gawin ng isang estudyante, ginawa ko. Sports, quiz bees, beauty pageants, singing and dance competitions, student leader, school paper, lahat yan sinalihan ko and lahat may award ako, hindi lang participation. I'm always on top my class. Always.
Panganay ako. My siblings watched and cheered for me kapag kasama sila manuod ng kung ano mang ganap ko sa school. Because I live with my grandparents in a different town, madalas wala akong kasama. I always thought proximity was the reason.
I am now 26 years old and clinically depressed. I realized I was always alone kasi hindi importante sa lola ko ang proseso. Growing up, paulit ulit na sinasabi sakin ng lola ko na dapat lagi akong magaling. Dapat lagi akong panalo. May ibang pamilya na yung mama ko, my dad is out of the picture, and I am all alone. Lagi nyang sinasabi na naaawa lang daw sya sakin kaya nya ako inaalagaan. Kapalit ng pag aalaga nila sakin ng lolo ko, dapat lagi akong panalo. Dapat laging magaling. Dapat laging pinaka-magaling para daw end of school year, hindi nakakahiya. Nakakahiya naman daw kasi kung hindi ako first honor. Kaya lahat sinalihan ko. Siguro determination ko rin kaya lagi din naman akong nananalo.
I remember bringing home graded test papers na ako naman yung highest, di nga lang perfect scores. My lola would say, "bakit minali mo pa yung isa/dalawa/tatlo?" "Sinong highest?"
I grew up alone and scared of life. I didn't know why I existed. I still dont. I just thought, if I don't win in these competitions, my mom, step dad and siblings won't come to my recognition day/graduation day. I always thought they would love me less.
Today, one of my brothers graduate. I feel sad and envious at how my mom is so excited. She's been telling me these past few days "gagraduate na si my brother sa 29" kahit na alam ko naman na kasi ako yung umaattend ng mga meeting sa school nya.
I am incredibly proud of my brother. Hindi high honors but with honors. I saw how he studied and cooked para sa grades na meron sya. (SHS, TVL-cookery) kaya nagi-guilty ako na sobrang lungkot ko kasi inggit na inggit ako. I graduated high school na parang wala lang despite my awards.
For my siblings, competion is achievement. Awards are bonus. Proud na sa kanila yung parents nila. Para sakin, dapat laging panalo. My mom was advised to attend my HS graduation last minute na kasi my tita and lola doesn't want to attend kasi they were expecting na MAS MARAMI akong awards. Muntik na akong umattend ng graduation ko na mag isa. Naalala ko pa sabi ko noon, "wag na lang kaya, okay lang yun. Pwede naman pick upin na lang yung diploma next time". Im glad my mom showed up.
Ewan ko ba. Kahit alam ko na yung mga nangyari at maling mentality noon, ang hirap pa rin mag adjust. Ang hirap paniwalain yung sarili ko na enough ako tulad ng mga kapatid ko na enough just by existing. Ang hirap paniwalaan. Para pa rin akong nagsisinungaling sa sarili ko.
I now work and still have the constant need to be the best and be recognized. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like I have to start from the beginning....again
Trigger Warning mention about suicide. Self harm and ideation. Domestic and emotional abuse.
Long post alert
I'm sorry if this isn't isn't right sub for this. But I've been watching vids on YouTube about surviving the abuse. And it's been triggering? Even though I thought I was over this. But I keep getting flashbacks AGAIN lately.
For some back story,
I'm 29F got together with this man not long after highschool. Turning 19. He was 7 years older than me. Looking back I feel he may have preyed on me since I was friends with his brother in highschool. I have complex ptsd and major depressive disorder. Generalized anxiety disorder.
Its been a little less than 2 years since i left. He technically broke up first with me but i was like well if you feel that way than imma go. I was miserable and over his shit by that point. Felt trapped. So i took that as my sign as im free. Cause he can't be upset with me if he ends it, right? I saw the opportunity and ran with it.
Didnt say a damn thing while I packed. Sulked on the bed instead. I even talked with his daughter who was 15 at the time, had the talk with her how me and her dad weren't gonna work out. Reassured her that it was not her fault and i would love to still remain in her life. She was the only daughter i ever had. Was involved in her life for 4 years. He didnt wanna join the discussion so i did what needed to be done for his daughters sake. I sadly passed her each time going out the door to put my things in the car. She was in the living room. So upward I go to my mom's, I called her and she had no hesitation when I asked to come home.
Once I get to my parents, he starts blowing me up. Spam messaging and calling and I told him I needed time to think. "We'd been together almost 9 years and your gone all day and send me a long breakup text after you finally get home and I'm in the shower. This is literally what you asked for, and youre broken up about it? How do you think i feel" Were my thoughts
I came back the next day cause he threatened suicide and i was genuinely scared. Called police. Told him i think well be ok if you get some help and stayed for a month or so when he just got worse. I didnt know at the time he relapsed. His emotional abuse and trying to control me grew errily intense from what i was used to. Was saying I was starting an argument anytime I was trying ti communicate because he would just not.
Throughout our time together, at least living together, He'd go from saying and doing things like
"These are the conversations that are gonna make me put a bullet in my head" Getting angry at something so miniscule and breaking things like he always did, it had just extremely escalated to him trashing the apartment. Timing how long I'd be out at the store or at a work meeting. Didn't work and took full advantage of the stimulus checks and 600 unemployment every week during covid, which he spent on everything but rent. Which later down the road is why our landlords sued us.
I almost got 2 jobs. I nickled and dimed every mf thing to make ends meet. Living paycheck to paycheck. While he's gloating about what he just ordered. Than stressing about how he has no money for rent the next week. He ran my PayPal into debt and almost fucked my credit up. With his spending and the fact that we were being sued. I had to pay for everything. I saved his ass so many times. For almost a fkn decade. I kept saying if I help him he'll be caught up right? But than he'd run his debt in again. He sucked every pen y put of ALMOST all my inheritance money. Talking thousands.
He'd constantly complain about the car I bought him in full. We couldn't drive my car around because it was embarrassing for a women to drive her man around. I always had to be with him when he was doing whatever. Couldn't have any me time. He'd get upset at me gaming and streaming for 2 hours while he'd be at the gym for 4 hours.
Always put me down. Disencouraged any self care routines I'd try cause they'd take too long. Genuinely got pissed at me if I was falling asleep before he did. Give me a hard time if I didn't get the right brand items at the store or even groceries.
Nothing I did was right or enough. Over 100k wasn't enough money. No amount of hours I worked were enough to escape his rath. Nothing I did was fast enough. I used to tell him my life wasn't the drivethru timing at my old job. At some point I just gave up fighting him on it.
He sucked the life outta me. My optimism I'd always have and encouraged him with was gone. This was the life I was meant to live I'd think. I was planning a suicide and self harming shortly after my return back to him. Which was about a month later. I was convinced everyoned wanted me dead. I was just a tool. Only good for money, errands, chores, and BJs. I was just an object to him. Nothing more and much less.
I left again end of october 2022 when i thought he was cheating. He hid my stuff in the closet when a girl came over. Always said he was lusting over other women. Always showed me pics of men and women and would ask me if id fuck them. Said it was ok to find people attractive.
Got to the last straw, left, and didnt look back. Not until i got to my parents did i realize he was emotionally abusive. I stayed ferm on my boundaries. He commited suicide less than 2 months after i left. Blamed me in his note, which was a rewritten version of another he left at the house after the first time i left.
Blaming me and giving me one last fuck you was more important to him to stay in his daughters life. He abandoned his siblings. I felt such a fucked up irony at the time cause it was alnost me. Now i dont feel guilty cause I know it's not my fault. saddly if he was still alive id be in such fear of my life. I was debating filing a restraining order the morning we found him.
The beginning of our relationship was extremely hard to handle. Probably the most difficult before we moved in together. I may have even dissociatrd through most of it? Im not sure how i survived while trying to take care of him. He was also homeless . He was occastionally physical like pushing. He threatened to kill me after hitting me once. But at thr time it happened i blamed myself cause he held everything over my head and i thought i deserved it. I blamed it on his drug use and drinking. I also hit him forst for saying harsh diragitory things to me. He was arrested the next day for breaking into a cops house. That night didnt exist to him and was denied anytime I brought it up(except the day after he broke down and apologized) he was always the victim.
Those early years before we moved in together are still hard to resinate with.
Why are his words in my voice in my head still? After all this time and therapy since his death. Its almost like im controlling myself thr way hed control me? I thougt ive come to terms with the emotional abuse and his death. Multiple times already. I even spread his ashes for fucks sake. And yet his energy still lingers. Not as bad as before granted. But my god man go tf away!
Maybe i repressed the physical occasions? And thr financial abuse? Again I was with him for 9 years. Lived with him for about 5-6 give or take.
Idk Why all this still haunts me? Idk How long it'll take until I find myself again, I thought I already have! Hes just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my trauma and i keep feeling like im back at square one.
I don't feel anxious or depressed even typing this. I just feel so lost. In the wrong world. Like im not cut out for life cause i have too much trauma. Too much baggage. Its too much too vent often to the people in my life now as i go through IOP. I don't wanna be in survival mode forever. Thanks for reading. Any advice is appreciated

Hey friends -- I feel like I'm going a little crazy here! I both shuttle tat and needle tat -- I make jewelry and I'm having a serious problem with black thread. I've tried DMC in size 8, Lizbeth in size 20, and Lizbeth in size 40. Same exact issue with all three.
With all other colors (pink, red, purple, white, variegated) my stitches are coming out perfectly. No complaints at all. But with black, the thread is frayed, almost "drier" somehow, for the Lizbeth it doesn't have that same little bit of "stretch" it usually has -- and my projects are coming out really badly. It looks like I'm using a different tension for every stitch. It just looks messy and really bad. This is a problem for me because the vast majority of projects I'm making are black.
I read on a sewing forum that manufacturers overprocess or overdye black threads, or use non-selling other colors and dye them black and it ends up a poorer quality -- do you think this is the same issue? Have you had the same problem? Have you found any solution or found a black thread by a different company you really like? Thank you!