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Grayson kept his promise and came over to talk with me. He arrived after classes for both of us were done for the day. It also meant that Cassie was home and this time, she didn’t vanish into her bedroom to give us privacy. She waited until we were both seated in the living room and Titanosaur was settled in Grayson’s lap, thereby preventing him from escaping.
Please don’t read too much into that, as I’ve said before Titanosaur has like three brain cells and will sit in literally anyone’s lap. Our landlady sent her husband over to fix the leaking faucet in the bathroom and Titan was trying to climb in his lap while the poor guy was sitting there with half his body inside of a cabinet.
Then Cassie came over, carrying a chair from the kitchen, and also seated herself with us. I glanced at Grayson. He looked dismayed, but was hiding it well in an effort to be polite. I decided to lean into my non-confrontational side and not ask her to leave.
“You’ve been acting a bit out of character lately,” I began delicately. “As a friend, I’m worried about you.”
“And I’m worried too,” Cassie added. “Maybe you don’t think of me as a friend, but you’ve been hanging out around Ashley enough that I consider you one of mine.”
Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, to be honest. I thought Cassie didn’t like him. I don’t think she was lying, either.
“Have you considered getting grief counseling?” she continued.
Straight to the point. I was glad Cassie was there. My plan was to tiptoe delicately around the subject for what probably would have been another 500 words worth of dialogue here in this post I’m writing up. Fortunately, Cassie’s willingness to address a problem directly saved me the typing and you the tedium.
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t,” Grayson said. “The university doesn’t know he’s gone yet.”
“Who is running this place?” Cassie asked in amazement.
I know. We’ve all been thinking it. Turns out the answer is ‘there’s a board’ and they make all the real decisions. The president is just a figurehead. Which is pretty obvious if you stop and think about it. I wanted to ask if the flickering man reported to the board but I also didn’t want to derail the conversation with things that really didn’t matter anymore. It’s safer to just assume the board is the administration I’ve been wondering about this whole time. Heck, it’s safer to assume everyone except for the students and professors are responsible in some part for the whole monster situation.
Sorry for not finding out for certain, but Grayson was working through some important stuff and I didn’t dare interrupt.
“I don’t want counseling, either,” he continued. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I never cared for him. Not in a familial sense. My presence was more to fill a role.”
Things were starting to connect in my head. This conversation reminded me of some things the flickering man had said. Roles to be filled. A cycle, ushering in new students to fill them. They’d been filling the president’s role with a corpse - a very old one, judging by the date on the photo Cassie took of the headstone - so perhaps that wasn’t the only role being filled.
“Were you adopted?” I asked. “By the president?”
“I was.”
Beside me, Cassie took a deep breath. It wasn’t from shock. It sounded more like… annoyance. If I’m being generous with the term.
“The flickering man said something to me,” I said slowly. “That I wasn’t the first person he’d seen like this and I wouldn’t be the last. Are you… not the only child that the president has adopted?”
“...I’m not.”
This is the point where Cassie just lost it. Stood up, yelled ‘why the fuck didn’t you tell us any of this?!’ and stormed out of the room. She slammed the door to her bedroom shut behind her. Grayson and I sat there in the living room for a good minute, stunned, listening to what I’m 99% certain was Cassie screaming into her pillow. Then the door opened and she returned to calmly sit down on the sofa again.
“I’m good,” she said. “All better. Please continue.”
The details of the conversation get a little fuzzy at this point, as it seems that even though the forgetter is gone I’m still having memory issues. Unfortunately Grayson was right - it wasn’t the forgetter that was responsible for my particular variety of memory loss. There’s something else trying to protect Grayson.
I suspect the tree in the graveyard. Its roots have spread all over campus, after all.
Sorry to be so blase about this but it’s not actually that upsetting anymore. It’s just this thing we’re dealing with.
It’s a good thing Cassie was present for the rest of the conversation. She filled me in on the details later, after we’d confirmed that I had some significant gaps. Grayson explained a bit more about the whole adoption thing. He didn’t know who his birth parents were. He’d never been outside of this town and basically grew up on campus. This is all kind of recapping what we already knew or guessed at, but the adoption angle was new at least. I’d assumed that his dad had died and been replaced, which he had, except it wasn’t his dad at all and Grayson’s role as the son was being replaced over and over also.
Which is all kinds of fucked up.
It also means that this has been going on for generations and I think we all know why that’s rather alarming.
“What happened to the previous adopted kids?” I asked once we’d gotten through this rather confusing summary.
“They died.”
There was a heavy silence in the room.
“How?” I asked.
“Well… one drowned. Another suffocated.” He hesitated. “This is kind of why I’m reluctant to tell people I’m the president’s son.”
“Grayson, are you worried someone will try to kill you?” Cassie asked flatly.
“...yeah. I am, actually.”
Screaming into a pillow myself was starting to look pretty tempting.
Now I’m sure you’re all thinking what I was thinking at this point. If the university was just recycling the president’s corpse and finding new children to play the role of their child for… reasons??? then perhaps that was why the flickering man was interested in me. Perhaps I was Grayson’s replacement, as many of you have theorized.
I mean, it seems pretty suspicious. Grayson’s dad is getting his soul replaced on the regular - or at least, he was. Grayson himself is a replacement for prior Graysons but I guess since they don’t need an adult, they’re just grabbing any ol’ kid to fill the role for a while. But the former Graysons keep dying because the inhumans get him? Grayson has a lot of protection on campus but he’s not immune - I’ve watched him get attacked by the steam ghost in particular.
Which leads me to my own theory. If I am a replacement, I don’t fit the mold. Perhaps that’s why the flickering man hated me so much. I’m too old (legal adult yay) and… I’m not a son.
But I wanted to confirm some things.
We wrapped up the conversation with Grayson because we were running out of mental capacity to ask more questions. He was clearly uncomfortable and there was a lot to process. He did promise to not be so difficult about this in the future. He wasn’t really grieving. He was just… uncertain. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Which is fair. When you’re raised to fill a role and suddenly that role is gone it’s hard to adjust.
I know what that feels like.
After Grayson left I messaged Maria asking if she knew anyone that was good with a camera. Like, really good. And also good in high stress situations. She got back to me pretty quickly. Maria is starting to become one of those people who knows everyone. She’s heading firmly down the road of becoming the subject of one of those unhinged tumblr posts where someone magically summons an army of people to fulfill a task, while she stays on the sidelines quietly directing the ever-increasing chaos.
Fortunately, she’s not there quite yet, but she is freakishly well-connected for a campus of this size. Within an hour she had me in a group chat with someone from the Folklore Society who fit all my requirements, even the unspoken ones. Someone that was good with a camera in “hostile circumstances” (her words, very accurate) and wouldn’t cut and run the moment things got a little weird. I think you all see where I was going with this.
Yeah, we were going to get photos of something inhuman.
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
For starters, it’s not safe just getting close to an inhuman to photograph it. And once you do, that opens a whole new set of hazards. If the inhuman takes offense to being photographed, then they’re going to do anything they have to to get the photo destroyed and all rules are off the table when it comes to disguising their existence. Think of it like this - an inhuman might not be able to enter a house due to hospitality rules keeping them out, but this is weighed against their need to keep their presence obscured. The latter wins. Hospitality rules are no longer enough protection.
That’s my understanding, at least.
And sure, there are inhumans that don’t seem to care if a photo or two are leaked to the internet, but you have no way of knowing in advance. Let’s say you get lucky and nothing comes after you to destroy the phone/camera, computer, your social media accounts, and you. You’re not quite off the hook. That photo is a connection to the inhuman and if the creature captured in it doesn’t use it as an access point, something else might.
Photos are just a bad idea all around.
So we agreed that if we were going to go ahead with this stupid plan, we’d do so with as many safety measures as we could. First, the person taking the photo would be fully informed on the potential consequences. I was hoping that they could just teach Maria or I how to use a camera, but considering they were in the inner circle Folklore Society (what I’m calling the folks that know the monsters aren’t just stories) they wanted to come in person. I tried to talk them out of it, they finally made a snarky comment about if I wanted them to sign a waiver, and I dropped the topic.
Secondly, we were going to destroy both the photo and the camera afterwards. I got online and ordered the cheapest digital camera I could find. It was a camera designed for young children so it was pastel pink with teddy bears on it, but whatever, it was digital and didn’t cost over $30. The money from my job at the dining hall has helped with the finances but I didn’t particularly feel like lighting it on fire.
Especially since we planned to literally light the camera on fire when we were done. I wasn’t looking forward to the smell of burning plastic but fire is both a thorough and symbolically traditional way to dispose of things. Like I said, we were trying to do this as safely as we could.
The camera arrived the next day so we decided to go ahead with our plan that evening. Cassie would stay home because we felt having too many people might be a hindrance if we had to bail out. Also, she had “digital date night” with her girlfriend and I didn’t want to interfere.
Then we found a discreet entrance to the steam tunnels.
I wanted a photograph of the steam ghost. It had a face. I wanted to see what that face looked like.
I’d scouted out the steam tunnel entrances beforehand, while waiting for the burner (lol) camera to arrive. Last time I’d looked inside, they were clogged with roots. However, if the roots were originating from the graveyard, then perhaps the parts of campus that were farthest away would be clear enough to traverse. I got lucky and found an entrance inside of one of the dorms that’s out by the parking lot. The lobby is open and from there it’s easy enough to just coast into the stairwell behind someone with a keycard and then down into the basement. There were roots, but they hung from the ceiling as slender tendrils that brushed the top of my head like the faint touch of a moth. I didn’t go far inside. Just enough to confirm it didn’t get any worse and we had a long corridor free of obstruction.
When I came back, I had Maria and the photographer with me.
His name is Jacob and he’s a sophomore. He joined the Folklore Society because he realized he wasn’t making any attempts to be social, at college of all places, and picked a club that seemed like it would be small so he didn’t have to deal with crowds. Large groups of people intimidated him. I can certainly relate to that.
I feel bad for him. Imagine getting caught up in all this bullshit just because you had trouble making friends.
It also occurred to me that this photography excursion was also part of his attempt to make friends, because that’s what landed him in the group that had to hide from the thing in the hallway. Whatever. Maria can deal with that. She’s the extrovert.
“Let’s not forget the plan,” I said nervously as we gathered outside the door. “We get in. We get the photo. We run like hell back out the door.”
I’m happy to say that the plan worked. Every step. Swear to god.
We were about halfway to where the tunnel turned when the steam started to rise out of the ground around us. It seeped through the walls, filling our lungs and making it hard to breathe. The usual. We turned back at that point, as we wanted to be close to the exit so we could snap the photo and run once the steam ghost showed up.
The nice thing about inhumans is that they can be predictable. They have set rules they follow and so long as you follow the prescribed pattern of behavior, you know what to expect. This allows you to plan, as I’d done. So when we loitered within sprinting distance of the door, the steam ghost obliged to show up and chase us off.
Just as expected. And Jacob was ready with our pastel pink camera, so that when its face materialized out of the steam, mouth open in a silent scream and its misty hands stretched towards us, he was able to snap a photo.
Then we ran and reached the door before it caught up.
See? Exactly as planned.
There’s one more rule we learned about though. One that I’d forgotten to factor in for this crucial moment.
The doors in the steam tunnels don’t always open to the same place.
We tumbled through without thinking. I, pulling up the rear, had a moment of hesitation when I saw nothing but darkness ahead of me, but it was too late, I was in a full sprint and besides, Maria had already stumbled through the doorway. I slammed into Jacob’s back, propelling him the few steps he needed to be past the doorway, and then we were all through and the door slammed shut behind us.
The air was warm and damp. The steam tunnels, while warm, aren’t damp unless the steam ghost is present. This felt like being inside of a sauna. I could feel water beads forming on my arms, clinging to the hairs that were currently standing on end in alarm. There was a faint breeze coming from ahead of us, a slowly rhythmic flow to it like a fan. It did nothing to alleviate the heat. If anything, it was even warmer.
Maria turned her phone’s flashlight on.
We were in a corridor, much the same size as the tunnel we’d just escaped. The walls glistened with moisture, shining with the gray-pink color of rotting beef. There were no sharp angles, just a round passageway that vanished into darkness at the edge of Maria’s flashlight beam. The floor beneath our feet was slightly squishy.
And it was full of teeth.
Honestly I think I would have preferred sharp teeth, like an animal’s fangs or something out of science fiction. Instead, we got human incisors, circling the entirety of the tunnel in regular intervals.
The tunnel rippled. There was a faint gurgling sound, like the rumbling of a stomach twisting in hunger. And those rows of teeth began to tighten as the tunnel constricted around us.
“STEAM GHOST,” Maria yelled. “I CHOOSE THE STEAM GHOST.”
And she threw the door behind us open and dove back into the tunnel. Jacob grabbed my arm and dragged me along with him, as I was frozen in fear, staring at all those glistening ivory teeth. I stumbled over the doorframe and fell forwards, hitting the cement floor hard on all fours. I heard the door slam shut behind me. Frantically, I looked up at the tunnel.
No ghost. But the steam was still there, hanging heavy in the air and filling my lungs. The ghost would be back. I was certain of that.
“What now?!” Jacob asked, his earlier calm quickly giving way to panic.
“Try the door again!” I said, scrambling to my feet. “It changes!”
Maria spun around and opened the door a sliver for the second time, just enough to peer through the crack and confirm what was on the other side.
“FUCK.”
Then she slammed it shut. Opened it. Another burst of profanity, slightly more panicked than the last explicative. Meanwhile, Jacob and I cowered at her back, staring at the steam that hung thick in the air all around us, waiting to see if it was going to reform into a malevolent spirit while Maria played Russian roulette with the door.
She did this five times before she finally got the dorm we’d entered through.
Flushed and panting, we stumbled through and Jacob kicked the door to the steam tunnels shut with a determined flourish. There. We’d done it. As I’d said, our plan went perfectly. We got the photo and ran like hell to the door.
Didn’t plan on what happened after we went through the door. This is my lack of attention to detail coming into play, which is probably what also made me a shitty barista.
We crowded around Jacob to see the photo he got. This is why we recruited someone with actual photography skills. He was able to use a truly shitty camera intended for toddlers to somehow focus on a literal ghost’s face in the handful of seconds we had before it reached us, all while not panicking.
Staring at us from the tiny screen was a person’s face. Not a face made of steam. An actual flesh and blood human face. The rest of the shot was obscured by steam, framing it so that all we could see was this disembodied human face staring out at us from the camera’s digital screen. The expression was placid, the eyes hollow and devoid of emotion.
I’d seen this look before, on the library ghost. This distant stare of something that wasn’t wholly here.
“That is… really creepy,” Jacob said.
“We just escaped a hallway full of teeth and this is what you find creepy?” I said.
“No, that was creepy too. I can be terrified by multiple things at once.”
We all stared at the photo for a good few minutes, trying to commit the face to memory because we were not going to retain any copies of it. Then Jacob deleted the photo, handed me the camera, and we awkwardly went our separate ways.
I got out my phone as soon as we’d all walked off. My theory was looking plausible, but there was one more thing I could do to confirm I was on the right track.
I texted Grayson. I asked him if the children before him, the ones the president adopted, were all male.
They were.
The library ghost. The stabbed student. And now… the steam ghost.
All former students. All male. All trapped on campus after their deaths.
And for at least two of them, they seemed to have something against Grayson.
They don’t like Grayson because he replaced them.
Update: HOLY SHIT Y’ALL BATTERIES EXPLODE WHEN YOU SET THEM ON FIRE

Hello again velo, It's me. The guy that rides uphill in Japan. On my last post I mentioned some differences in racing in Japan saying it was for another post. Well, there appeared to be some interest in me making that post. As I mentioned then... I tend to ramble. I'm an English teacher at a small high school which leaves me with a lot of free time. I enjoy spending that time researching anything from training methodology to obscure Japanese history. I decided to use some of that time to write about road racing in Japan and it turned into... well, whatever this is. It's (sort of) a guide to racing your bike over here. I've organized it into sections, so feel free to read it all or skip through them. At the end I've attached racing adjacent notes as well as a small bio.
If this post is not appropriate for this subreddit, I understand. And while I don't want to self-promote I spend most of my time reading about Japan not only because I live here, but also because my wife and I host a podcast. We mostly ramble about our lives here as foreigners. It's mostly cultural, but as long time competetive cyclists we often talk about bikes too. We host a website where I write random articles, which is where this is ultimately hosted, with photos. If you're curious you can google my username and find us.
I tried to think about things I've learned along the way and put it into writing for anyone in the future that might move to Japan and have an interest in racing. If you have any questions or see any information gaps, feel free to ask! In September we'll be moving to the Netherlands... so maybe I'll have to do this all over again then. Anyway, without further rambling, here it is.
Race License
There are actually quite a lot of road events throughout the country. However, many are marketed towards recreational cyclists. Going as far as incorporating anti-competition clauses in their rules. So what do you do if you want to race? For starters, you’ll head to the Japan Cycling Federation’s website and register for a license. It’s in Japanese, but with the magic of Google Translate it shouldn’t be too hard to navigate. This is also for those currently residing in Japan. I think otherwise you would need an international license issued from your country’s governing body.
While on their website you can check the calendar of events that are scheduled. But, it’s not as simple as where I am from (USA) where once you have a license you can register yourself for almost any event and just show up.
Race Organizers
In most cases while the JCF is the licensing body, they are not the event coordinator. Events are hosted by a number of different governing bodies within the country. There’s the Japan Intercollegiate Cycling Federation (JICF), Japan Cycling League (JCL), prefectural federations such as the Yamaguchi Cycling Federation and finally the Japan Bicyclist Club Federation (JBCF). There are a lot of Js, Cs and Fs in the acronym lexicon over here. In this post I’ll be focusing on the JBCF because it was sold to me as Japan’s premier race organizer and the highest level of racing in Japan. It also seems to have the most robust calendar of events.
Declaration of my bias and shortcoming: The JBCF is the only organizer I’ve had any meaningful experience with. No, they’re not paying me. However I have won a cool towel, a coffee cup and some bar tape at their events. Actually I’ve given them quite a bit of money…
Teams
So you’ve got your JCF license and like me you’ve decided to participate in the JBCF. What’s next? Register for a JBCF account, sign up for events, race your bike? Almost. You do need to register for an account. After that, you need to find a team. That’s right, you need to be registered with a JBCF team to participate in races. This was a surprise to me and also a barrier to entry at first. As a new resident of Japan I didn’t know anyone here let alone a team that would let a random foreigner join.
How’d I do it then? Well, the first team I joined was through a friend of a friend of a friend. My second and current team I ended up getting to know because I took a bunch of KOMs around my new home. I guess Strava KOMs are worth something after all. If you’re looking for a team you could start by asking local shops, they often have a club organization that you can sign up for. If you’re desperate you can also make your own team. It used to only require two people, but I think they increased that to three or four.
Costs
I’m writing this in May of 2024, so the costs will be current as of that month. The USD to JPY conversion is sitting around 1 USD = 155 JPY.
Your first cost will be the JCF license fee. In my case, an elite rider over 23 years old, it was 5,000y for an e-license and 6,300y for the physical one. My first year I used the e-license, but my second year I paid for the physical one as a cool souvenir.
Beyond the license. You’ll need a team kit (bibs & jersey) and you may also be required to pay the athlete registration fee. To join my E1 team in 2024 I paid 43,000 yen. That included one team kit and the registration fee plus some small accessories (gloves, bottle, etc.). In E1 I paid all my own entry fees, which were approximately 8,500y per race.
My JPT experience was a special case. I paid roughly $1,200 (usd). But I received two kits (jerseys & bibs), a speed suit (SS skinsuit), windbreaker, vest, socks, etc. I also had the benefit of the “pro” treatment at races with lots of assistance. Was it a cold rainy day? I could ask for embro and they’d oil me up with a little massage. Needed a bike wash, snacks, or a trainer to warm up on? All provided. And all of my entry fees were covered. I never paid those out of pocket. It was a really cool experience and honestly I think I got my money's worth just in the races that I attended, let alone all the extras. Plus the team was above and beyond hospitable. A really great bunch of people.
Categories
Once you’re on a team you’re good to go! So which category should you race in? The JBCF has 5 big categories: Japan Pro Tour (JPT), Japan Elite Tour (JET), Japan Feminin Tour (F), Japan Youth Tour (Y1 & Y2), and the Japan Masters Tour (M). JET is further broken down into E1, E2 & E3. The general idea is male riders start as E3 and through results they work their way up to E1. If they’re highly motivated they’ll target a placement on a JPT Team.
Unfortunately for the women, I believe there is only one lump “Female” category. But in one of my most recent races a woman lined up with us for our race start. So that may be an option. For the Youth there’s U19 & U17. Masters is similar to the women’s category and I believe there is simply one “Masters” event, without age ranges.
Using what I know (USA Cycling Categories) I’ll try to make a comparison. E3 is your Cat 4/5 or Novice rank. E2 is around Cat 3/4 and E1 is roughly one big P/1/2/3 field. JPT is something like the US’s Domestic Elite field. Some JPT teams (and even some E1 teams) are UCI Continental teams. Although, honestly, some JPT riders are probably equivalent to strong Cat 3s.
In America I raced as a Cat 2 on the road, albeit I was a pretty weak 2. My first year in Japan I raced JPT and was able to hang in the peloton and finish events. My second year I raced as an E1, where I was very competitive and able to fight for podium finishes. That’s my experience and my basis for the above comparisons.
Events
Once you’ve got all the above figured out, it’s time to finally race! The JBCF organizes the following events: Road, Criterium, Hill Climb, Time Trial and Track. Criterium, Time Trial & Track are pretty similar to what you’d find anywhere else in the world. So for this post I’ll really just focus on Road and Hill Climb.
It’s worth noting that except for track, all of these events take place on public roads. But, unlike the USA, it seems the general rule in Japan is that for a race to be a “race” the roads need to be closed to traffic. Sounds great, right? Right! Or, mostly. Japan is a beautiful country with incredible scenery and fantastic road riding. Unfortunately, the JBCF uses very little of this. I think to minimize inconveniencing locals, cut costs, and make their lives easier, most of these events will take place on already closed circuits or around agricultural land (where no one lives or drives anyway). In practice they are “public” roads, but they only need to shut down one or two entrances to close off the entire loop.
Many “road” events are just very long short circuit races. A popular venue that hosts multiple races throughout the season is the Gunma Cycle Sports Center. This is a defunct cycling theme park built in the 1980s with a paved 6 km circuit. Some of the races in the higher categories can be up to 150 km! That’s 25 laps! And, they’ll be pulling riders. When I was racing JPT it was often a big accomplishment just to finish a race. It was a common occurrence for a break to get established with the big teams represented and the rest of the field to sit up, inevitably getting pulled before being lapped. It’s not uncommon for well over half of the field to DNF early on in these longer races. Sometimes to add a little spice to your life, they’ll run the course in the opposite direction one weekend.
So, I’m biased, but that style of “road racing” wasn’t for me. That’s what led me to the Hill Climb. At first, I thought it was just an uphill TT. But, it's a mass start! The last one I did was Mt. Ontake HC which was a 17.7km race gaining 1,150 meters in elevation finishing at an altitude just under 2,200m. I finished in 51 minutes. It’s more like an uphill criterium. You might explode, but you won’t get pulled. It’s also, of course, point to point.
Good things to know about a Hill Climb are the controlled descent and luggage delivery. When you finish you’ll be waiting at the top of the climb for all other riders and categories to finish. Sometimes this means you’re waiting for an hour or more! Thankfully the morning of the race you can give a bag to the organizers and they will deliver it to the top of the mountain. This is a great way to make sure you have extra layers and snacks waiting for you. Just make sure it’s packed in a bag that you can then easily carry with you on the descent.
Be extra mindful of the forecast. At Ontake in 2024 we started at the base of the mountain in temperatures around 16 celsius. At the summit it was 7 degrees and it started to rain! Thankfully I had a teammate who had driven to the top (you must register your vehicle) and he gave me a lift back down. If you’re riding down, the descent will be done in waves which are chaperoned and controlled by officials on motorcycles.
Registering
I can only tell you my experience and I’m not certain that this is how it always works. When I was in the JPT, I never paid for an event. Each team could send six riders and the team manager made a selection based on which riders requested to go to which event, they would then register you to go. In my E1 team I haven’t run into any rider maximums (we only have a few E1 riders), and I pay for each event. I still tell the team’s manager which event I want to travel to, they register me, but then I pay them back.
The Day Of
The JBCF events have been very organized. The week before they will release a list of registered riders along with a technical guide. The technical guide will include information about the course, where to park, where to check in, how to pin your numbers and more. It’s only in Japanese. Google Translate will be your best friend. Or if you’re lucky you may have a teammate that can speak some English and help you out.
Usually the check in process begins a couple of hours before the start time. You’ll go to license control and pick up your numbers and timing chip. If you’re doing a hill climb and need to, this is also the period of time you drop off your luggage to be taken to the summit. Get kitted & pinned up, then go to the “vehicle control”. They will check your bike against a jig, kind of like what the UCI might use, as well as check the weight (take your bottles off the bike when you hand it to them) and make sure your numbers are pinned correctly. A keen eyed inspector may even look at your helmet to make sure it has the JCF certification sticker. You could possibly be told to change helmets if yours doesn’t have the sticker. When they tell you that everything is OK, you’ll go to the table and sign the box with your name.
There are also meetings that will be happening. But, you shouldn’t have to worry about that. If the team manager can’t be present they will send an “attendant”. This person is responsible for going to the meetings and reporting back to the riders.
Podiums & Prizes
Look how far you’ve come. After all that you’re headed to the podium, which in many events will be six deep. What should you expect? Maybe a cool trophy or a medal? It’s even better. How about a formal certificate signed and stamped by the JBCF President! That’s right, you’ll be receiving an A4 sheet of paper. And yes, when they hand it to you they’ll turn it to face you, use both hands to hand it over and bow. And yes, you should receive it with both hands and bow in return. I plan to frame and hang mine like some kind of college diploma. You’ll probably receive a prize as well. Something like what I mentioned earlier in this post, a towel, cup, umbrella, etc.
Where’s the money? If you want to hold a giant cheque with a big number (because it’s in yen) you’ll need to be racing in the top category, JPT. In this category the podium is only three deep. One time in a race I had a teammate finish 3rd and win some money. I never saw any of it, which was fair as I didn’t really contribute to his result. And I never podiumed myself. So I’m not sure how the payout actually works. Did he get to keep it all? Did the team take it? Who knows. I hope he kept it all, he’s a great guy.
Other Notes
Gachinko Cycle TV & Photo Galleries. Almost all JBCF events are live streamed & archived on YouTube! There’s a company called Gachinko Cycle TV that provides coverage. This includes camera motos as well as stationary cameras. A lot of photographers also come to the events and a photo gallery is posted on the JBCF website after the events take place.
Events & Categories. Not every event will be run for every category. A motivator for me to move from JPT to E1 was that not every hill climb has a JPT category, but they all seem to have E1. My first time racing at Ontake I was in the “Open” category and not eligible for any points or placement.
Outlier events. There are some events like the Niseko Classic (Gran Fondo World Championship Qualifier) and the Tour of Okinawa. These are one off events which are not part of the JBCF or any other federation I mentioned above. But, they are “real” road races on closed roads. There are also plenty of “cookie” rides. But be aware, like mentioned earlier, many of these explicitly say you shouldn’t come and try to ride for a certain time. I think it’s related to what I’ve been told about races having to take place on closed roads. These cookie rides likely have no traffic control. And instead of a cookie, you might get a bag of dry rice to cook later. Happened to me once.
The Hill Climb might be Japan’s most accessible event. There are actually quite a few of them around the country outside of the JBCF and they can be registered for on SportsEntry - I don’t think you need a JCF license.
What about other disciplines? I’ll toss this in here at the end because I think it’s worth mentioning. If you’re not racing Track, Cyclocross or Road… you’re not going to be doing much racing. Mountain biking is still very much in its infancy here in Japan. Despite its incredible landscape, there’s a shocking lack of good mountain biking. My wife and I moved here from Western North Carolina and she’s a former Age Group XC National Champion as well as podium finisher in events like the Pisgah Stage Race and Collegiate Nationals in STXC, XC & Omnium. So believe me, we have tried to find some good mountain biking here and it’s rough.
There are some lift-access downhill courses and we actually went to one for a “gravel” race which my wife won. This was held on what was essentially a non-technical STXC course. Disappointing is a bit of an understatement. There IS Grinduro Japan… but it’s insanely expensive and again, not really a race.
This honestly has had a big impact on our decision to ultimately move away from Japan. But, keep an eye out for developments in places like: https://www.minamialpsmtb.com/ https://namba.ngo/ https://www.nsd-hakuba.jp/iwatake_mtb_park/en/
Cyclocross has a big following in Japan and the calendar appears to be full of events throughout the season. If we were staying long term, I’d be buying a cross bike. Unfortunately I don’t have one, so I never got into that scene while living here.
Although this is mostly about racing in Japan, if you come here to race you’ll also (hopefully) be riding your bike for fun. Please be aware some laws work differently here. Although I’ve never personally run into trouble I’ve been told things like: bikes MUST use the crosswalk if turning across traffic (no turning like a car turns) & that bikes CANNOT exceed 30 km/h (a bike shop owner told me this). My wife and I have often talked about this as well… while in the USA drivers can be malicious towards cyclists, Japanese drivers are often blissfully ignorant towards them. Always ride defensively. Drivers will make eye contact with you and proceed to pull out in front of you expecting you to either not be traveling with speed or to stop for them. Even in “polite” Japan, the Car is King. I’ve had far more close calls with drivers here than I had in America. Having said that, it’s still a wonderful country to explore by bike.
Who Am I?
If you read all of this, thanks! I hope that you learned a little bit about road racing in Japan. But, who am I? I’m an American from Western North Carolina, now living in Japan. Ishikawa Prefecture to be specific. I’ve been a cyclist since 2011 when I bought my first road bike. In America I’m a Cat 2 on the road and an XC MTB Cat 1 with extensive experience training for and racing in a variety of disciplines. Road riding and racing is my true love and I honestly only got into MTB to hang out with my girlfriend. I guess it was worth it because the only National Championship medals I have are from Team Relay & Team Omnium. Oh, we ended up getting married too. So that was cool. I also got into the gravel craze thanks to the plethora of racing options in the South East. I’ve stood on multiple podiums with the internet’s favorite privateer, Dylan Johnson. And I’ve dabbled in bikepacking, bike touring & ultra endurance riding. Really, I’m just a guy that thinks about bikes too much.

My girlfriend and I were together for two years, part of it was long distance. We were previously good friends for 5 years, then she was the one that caught feelings and pursued me first. During our relationship she always told me things like “I’m the one”, we talked about how we would get married and grow old together, she made so many promises that she was 100% sure of me and that she’d never leave. She would say things like “we’ve known each other in every lifetime”. We got together even though I was leaving for a masters study, she said she thought she’d never do long distance again but for me it was worth it, bc she was 100% sure I’m the guy she wants. I left a week after we got together, and I was gone for about a year. During that time we visited once a month, it was always great. I eventually moved back and we spent another year together in person. I’m sorry if this post is too long.
She ended things about a month ago. During the breakup she gave me very vague answers so I couldn’t get the closure I needed. I decided to reach out a week after the breakup to ask why she did it, and what she said killed me inside.
She said that she knew we were compatible and I’m an amazing person but felt like she was settling for me, and she didn’t want to live her life like that when she thinks she can find something better. She said she believes in that soulmate connection with one person when you know deep inside you that this is “it”, and she didn’t feel like that with me, she didn’t think I was “it”. But we did say to each other during the relationship that this was “it”, she told me so many times that I’m the one, so I don’t know how a flip just switched in her brain. She also said she realized she didn’t love me in the way “real love” is, and maybe she just loved the idea of me. She said she always felt the need to be accepted and loved by people and I made her feel like that. She said when you truly love someone you’d sacrifice things for them, and she wouldn’t sacrifice things for me. She said she was forcing herself to be comfortable around me, and it wasn’t the type of comfort that it should be with “the one”.
How the fuck does it take you two years to realize you don’t love someone in the way “real love” is? Especially after all the emotional intimacy we shared. How could you be uncomfortable with me? I was her first kiss, her first hand hold, she said she was saving those things for the right person and she did them with me. Why would she feel like shes settling for me when she’s the one that pursued me first? She went all out to “get me” and be in a relationship with me. Am I really the type of guy that gets settled for? That hurts like hell. She said she was having all these thoughts during the last 4 months of the relationship. But literally a month ago, I felt that she’s been a bit cold, and I asked if everything was okay. She said “nothings wrong, I’ve been really stressed with school/work. But nothings wrong with us, maybe something’s just wrong with me with all the stress. But we’re good, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’d ever give up on us, I’d never do that. Don’t worry I still love you and I’ll always be here.” She said that word for word. So she was lying to me? Why would you lie instead of communicating openly? If she had told me she was having those thoughts it would’ve been easier for me, but she gave me that reassurance and then blindsided me a month later. I told her it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship after a while, that eventually that initial spark or honeymoon phase ends, and that’s when the real relationship starts and you work on building a life together. Love eventually becomes a choice and not just a feeling. But she said she wouldn’t lose feelings with the right person. Now I’m the wrong person when she literally told me a million times that we were always meant for each other. I told her I think she’ll end up being disappointed when she realizes there is no “one” person that gives you that magical feeling for life, you eventually reach a point where you have to choose that person everyday. Relationships are hard and most of them end up losing that initial spark, but it’s an opportunity for a new kind of love to blossom, a love based off commitment and loyalty to each other. That’s the only way a relationship can last forever. And during our relationship we even acknowledged that fact together and we told each other that if the feelings fade we will always choose each other no matter what happens. It makes no sense to me. And if she actually lost feelings and fell out of love, that’s fine. But to say she never loved me in the way “real love” is, that makes no sense to me and it’s killing me inside. Have I just been blind and stupid the entire relationship? How does it take TWO YEARS to realize that? She said to me, “maybe you can choose someone and settle for them and learn to love them, but I believe there’s one person out there that is meant for me and when I find them I will know it deep inside me.” Yea, I believed that too. I believed it because I thought it was you. Just because I chose you doesn’t mean I’m settling for you or learning to love you. I thought you were meant for me. It’s so ridiculous I don’t understand, she used to be so sure that I was the one, she knew it deep inside her that I was. And now she’s saying that when she finds it, she’ll know. Well you knew it with me and now you don’t.
Part of me understands why she lost feelings, we didn’t really have a strong base. We were together for only a week before I left for a year. I feel like it wasn’t enough time for the physical attraction to build up and to get to know each other in person. By the time we visited each other, a lot of time had passed and the spark wasn’t the same as the beginning, it was kinda awkward at first. We got into a serious committed relationship talking about future marriage, before we ever hugged each other. She was scared to kiss me, maybe that’s why she said she was forcing herself to be comfortable. But eventually we kissed and it was great. During the visits it felt like everything was going great and that our relationship was getting stronger. I didn’t think that she was uncomfortable. I feel like if we had done all the intimate things in the beginning, we would have a base to build off of and the spark would be alive.
Also I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong. I’m just certain that it’s my fault, that I made her lose attraction. Maybe I wasn’t manly enough or attractive enough. Maybe I was too boring or uninteresting or too “stable”. Being in love with someone basically means you have to be sexually attracted to them first, that’s what separates family love from romantic love. Maybe I didn’t do enough to keep her attracted to me, so she felt like she lost feelings. It was really hard with the distance. I tried, I really tried. I would always flirt and tease her, I tried not to let the relationship feel like it was a platonic friendship over time. I was always confident and “manly” with her, I stood my ground when she did things I didn’t like, I wasn’t needy. We sexted and video called all the time. I always planned amazing dates. I tried to keep the fun alive. I don’t know what else I could’ve done to keep her attracted. I truly feel like if we had been in person the whole time, it would’ve worked and she would’ve still been attracted to me. It’s just different when you’re there physically. But we both knew this, we acknowledged that it was gonna be hard and the feelings may fade, but we said we’d always choose each other no matter what. Maybe it was inevitable with the distance, but at the end she said it wasn’t because of the distance, she believes with the right person the distance wouldn’t matter. So I just wasn’t the right person for her, I was for a while, but I let her lose attraction for me. Your view on love and attraction may differ, but I learned that it’s the guy’s responsibility to keep a woman attracted, it’s about how he acts and behaves that keeps her attracted. So it’s my fault she lost attraction, it’s something I did. For example when I look back at the first visit, a mistake I made was asking to kiss her instead of just going for it. She said no, maybe because I came off as unconfident and that turned her off. I was so nervous during the first visit because there was so much expectation built up inside my head. Maybe that prevented me from being able to genuinely enjoy myself around her and attract her. Eventually though, we got comfortable with each other and we kissed and it was great. I felt the spark was there. I don’t think she met someone else, I asked her and she said no. Yea maybe she could’ve lied, but i know her and I don’t think she would do that. She said “you know me, I would never allow myself to do that while I’m in a relationship. The reasons are solely because I don’t feel in love with you anymore.”
We hit a little rut near the end because we were both very busy, but I didn’t think it was concerning because she always gave reassurance and made it seem like everything is fine. It feels like shit hearing that someone was settling for me. Why wasn’t I enough? I keep looking back and thinking what I could’ve done different to keep her attracted. I keep nitpicking at myself and feeling insecure about the way I am. She was so sure of me in the beginning so I must’ve done something along the way to make her lose feelings. She let me tear my walls down and trust her fully, then she left. It feels like I’m not worthy of love because she saw something in me and decided she didn’t want me. What hurts the most is that to me, she was “it”, to me she was the one. And she said that to me too and I believed her. I felt that she truly meant it when she said that. She would tell me she was always attracted to me and had feelings during our friendship but she “locked them in a box” because she was too afraid. She even told me that I was a walking green flag and that I was perfect and I did nothing wrong. It hurts to know she thinks that yet she still decided she didn’t want me. It kills to know that one day she’ll get married, he’ll get to hold her and kiss her and have a family, and it won’t be with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being intimate with someone else. And it’s the thought that, whoever she ends up with, will be better than me in a way. She will love him more than she loved me. He will make her feel what I couldn’t make her feel. And I’m blaming myself so much that I couldn’t make her feel like that anymore. I’m grieving the future that we both planned together. I feel so betrayed, I feel like shit. Most of all I just really miss her, we knew each other for 7 years and now we’re just strangers again.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve had a few breakups, but this one hurts the most. I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone better. I know that time heals everything but I feel like this has damaged me on a deep level, I feel like I can’t let my walls down again. I don’t want to love again and risk getting hurt. I can’t invest myself fully into someone if I’m always afraid they’re going to blindside me. I know a breakup shouldn’t define your self worth, but it’s just the idea that the person I loved doesn’t see herself spending her life with me anymore, that makes me feel really bad. It’s the thought that she saw something in me that made her decide she doesn’t love me. She analyzed our relationship and thought “I want someone better”. The thought that it’s my fault, that it’s something I did. I didn’t have enough “game”. I couldn’t keep her attraction high. I can’t stand the idea of her getting married one day and finding her “it”. Of course I want her to be happy but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t kill me inside.
Nobody is perfect but she was close to it. She’s such a rare breed, she had everything I wanted in a woman and it’s so hard to come by. I wish I had a reason to hate her but she’s genuinely an amazing person. She did nothing bad to me, we barely fought and when we did it was very gentle. Our entire relationship was pretty much perfect up until the end. I’ve never been with someone that was this compatible with me. She’s the kindest human, she’s intelligent, she’s very mature, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s very warm and gentle. And the fact that she’s such a sweet and genuine person makes it way harder. If she had cheated or something I think this would’ve been easier on me, because I’d see her as a bad person. But she’s not a bad person. It hurts way more knowing that she was feeling like she wanted to end things, but at the same time she was trying to convince herself to love me, because she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to break her promises, she was trying so hard not to, but in the end she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. Why do I have to feel like someone has to convince themselves to love me? Why does someone have to force themselves to believe I’m the one? Why can’t anyone ever just truly believe it with their entire soul, that they want to be with me. When I asked for reassurance and she told me she still loved me and would never give up, she was trying to convince herself because she didn’t want to hurt me. It was all lies. Every “I love you” in the last 4 months was a lie. I feel like such an idiot that I was sitting there for the past 4 months thinking that everything was going great. She was just faking her affection the whole time. Imagine hearing that someone was forcing themselves to love you. No one was forcing you! The exit door has always been open, no one forced her to stay, no one forced her to pursue me in the first place. I told her many times that I just want truth and transparency in our relationship, yet she hid all of those things. She said she hid them because she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me, and she was trying to make it work. But if she truly cared for me, she would know that I deserve honesty, I deserve to know the truth even if it hurts. I don’t deserve to live in a lie. If she cared for me she would let me go find someone who truly loves me, instead of just pretending to love me. By lying, she was only caring about herself, to relieve herself of the guilt. The breakup would’ve been way smoother if she just told the truth from the start, but now I feel like an idiot who sat there for 4 months thinking that everything was going well, when in reality it wasn’t.
There’s so many things I loved about her. I loved the way she cries during every movie, she thinks she’s too sensitive but I think it’s beautiful to feel your emotions that deeply. I loved the way her face lights up when she smiles. I loved how she would call me just to tell me silly little things about her day. I loved her curiosity and wonder for the universe. I loved how she would run into my arms when she saw me. She just understood me, and I understood her. I can’t hate her, I wish I could, but I just love her with all my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even when 20 years pass and I’m over this and we’re both married to other people, I will still love her and wish the best for her. I miss her so much, I miss talking to her. I know we can't be friends, but I really wish I could still have her in my life. But I shouldn't wish that I guess, because she decided she wants to live her life without me in it. I can’t believe she could decide to lose me forever when she always said she could never live without me.
The worst part is, I reacted to the break up very emotionally. I showed how hurt I was, I wrote a long paragraph, and I brought up all the promises she made. That was a mistake, it probably killed any ounce of attraction she had left. If there was any chance of her coming back or realizing it was a mistake, I destroyed that chance. I made it look like I can’t live without her. I didn’t beg for her back at all, but I kept pushing for answers and explanations. I asked her what I did wrong and stuff, and that made me look super desperate. I should’ve just accepted the break up immediately and cut off all communication. Maybe then she would’ve thought about it, she would wonder why I wasn’t upset and have second thoughts about her decision. It would make me look more attractive in her eyes. But no I ruined it forever. Now all I want to do is salvage some respect, to make her see me as a valuable person. Not as someone who can’t live without her. Deep down I really want her to have a change of heart, I want her to feel re-attracted somehow, after having some time and space away from the situation. But I ruined her image of me. Now I’m looking back and analyzing every little thing about our relationship and wondering what I should’ve done better. I realized I made a lot of mistakes, which at the time I didn’t think were mistakes, but now looking back it’s probably my fault she lost attraction. I didn’t do enough.
I told myself during the relationship that “everything is temporary, don’t get too attached, life can change at any moment”. I know those things because I’ve learned my lessons from the past, but this is still killing me. I know almost everyone has been heartbroken, I’m nothing special, every human has been through this before. I just need to hear that it wasn’t my fault or that I’ll find someone better eventually. I’m blaming myself a lot right now and I keep thinking that she wouldn’t have left if I had been attractive enough. I generally consider myself a confident person but this has set me back a lot, it’s ruining my self esteem. Maybe I have attachment issues that I need to work on. I know that time will heal this, but right now I can’t imagine myself finding someone that’s better. I feel like the idea of “the one” has been ruined for me. I want to believe it, but I don’t think I do anymore. Even if I find another person who I think is the one, there’s always the possibility that they will change their mind. There’s always a chance that all of their words and actions were just lies. A lot of people get into relationships because they love the idea of being in love, not because they are actually in love with the person.
Thank you for reading this far, I know it’s a long post. I needed somewhere to vent, I don’t have many people to talk to. When I cry, I cry alone. And during the act of crying I start to hate myself for being such a bitch. I know it’s perfectly okay to cry and feel your emotions but it’s hard to escape the conditioning that I’m used to. I have friends and family but, I can’t express my emotions the way I did in this post. People have their own lives and worries and they don’t want to deal with someone’s silly heartbreak I guess.
TL;DR - my gf and I broke up a month ago, she said she was settling for me and that I wasn’t the “one”, even though she made promises and assured me that she wouldn’t leave. I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong.

I've had this friend of mine for several years now. He's my one of my closest friends I can think of, ill call him Daniel. We have this friend group with 2 other of my really close friends, the 2 others both being girls
Daniel and one of the girls(let's call her jaiden) got together and started dating, but broke up a few months ago.
A few days ago jaiden told me that she was usually made very uncomfortable by Daniel while they were together, they used to kiss infront of us and others and she says that Daniel coerced her to. She then told me about how he forced her to do alot of things she didn't feel comfortable with. And how he touched her in places she repeatedly told him not too. She also said he was very manipulative in how he'd ask for things, for example, saying he'd never date again if she refused his proposal. She also said that he forced her into one other thing but didn't feel comfortable enough talking about it
This is all just so confusing to me cause Daniel has been like a brother to me for the 4 years I've known him, yeah he's not perfect but stuff like this?! I had to at least talk to him and hear him out
He was, uncooperative, he kept trying to end the conversation, gave me one word answers, admitted to a few things like the whole never-date-a-woman-again fiasco, bur ofcourse he denied everything else
Now I'm left between a rock and a hard place. Daniel really really seems guilty by how he responded, he didn't seem too suprised when I brought everything up, and didn't seem like he could care less. And it's not like i dont trust jaiden either, she's been my friend almost as long as Daniel has, but even then it's still hard to just completely side against him. But I've continued to support and comfort jaiden, as for Daniel, I've just kinda slowed down interaction
My girlfriend though, got really pissed at me for not immediately cutting ties with Daniel, and says I'm not taking this seriously enough, she's really pissed at me right now and it hurts cause I thought I was doing fairly well. She accused me of not doing enough, which confused me as what else am I meant to be doing? I'm listening to and supporting jaiden, I've called out Daniel and he denies everything. She's upset that I'm not immediately boiling over and seething in rage but its really hard to immediately and completely turn the tables on someone who's been your friend for so long. It's not like I'm excusing him or downplaying the situation, and I'm sure i can't rly remain friends with him, it would feel so wrong and gross, but this is still Daniel were talking about, the Daniel that's made my high-school life awesome, is it so crazy that I'm a bit hesitant to kill off everything we've had these past few years, it's not like hesitant means I won't do it, and if he admitted to everything I'd find it much easier to, but at the moment he says he didn't do anything, and while he seems seriously suspicious, is it so wrong to hold out hope that my friend of 4 years isn't an abuser, that this is all just one gross misunderstanding
So there, AITAH for not immediately cutting my friend of 4 years out of my life
Immediately being within the span of 2 days since I first heard of the accusations

Poem: if God loved all nations
By: Rashek Chandler
Please someone
Tell me the truth
If God loved everyone in this world
Why does his laws, status, and judgements only apply to a few
Why wasn't slavery for all nations equally true
Amos 3:1-2 [1]Hear this word that the LORD hath spoken against you, O children of Israel, against the whole family which I brought up from the land of Egypt, saying, [2]You only have I known of all the families of the earth: therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities.
Does a father discipline his children or someone's else's kids?
Because if God loved everyone wouldn't other nations be judged for what they did
Or is it just the Hebrews: Blacks, Mexicans, and native Indians.
Isaiah 1:3 [3]The ox knoweth his owner, and the ass his master's crib: but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider.
All the other nations know their nationality but Israel
All the other nations know their home land but Israel
So, please If God loved everyone why is Israel so lost
You see we broke God's commandments
We broke God's laws
We wanted to be like the other nations
1 Samuel 8:4-5 [4]Then all the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to Samuel unto Ramah, [5]And said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.
Deuteronomy 28:68 [68]And the LORD shall bring thee into Egypt again with ships, by the way whereof I spake unto thee, Thou shalt see it no more again: and there ye shall be sold unto your enemies for bondmen and bondwomen, and no man shall buy you.
Psalms 83:4 [4]They have said, Come, and let us cut them off from being a nation; that the name of Israel may be no more in remembrance.
Therefore, tell me please
Does God love everyone or just a few
Because I don't see anyone else struggling just the few
This is why Israel must separate themselves from the heathen
We must repeat of our iniquities
Nehemiah 9:2-3 [2]And the seed of Israel separated themselves from all strangers, and stood and confessed their sins, and the iniquities of their fathers. [3]And they stood up in their place, and read in the book of the law of the LORD their God one fourth part of the day; and another fourth part they confessed, and worshipped the LORD their God.
Shalom

TW: sexual abuse, sexual assault, harassment, stalking
I (22F) started working at a supermarket close to my parents’ home when I was 19; it didn’t pay much, but I had to attend classes in the evening since I was still in highschool and finding another job would’ve been extremely hard.
After a couple of months I stated making friends at work and we started hanging out after work hours. One of my colleagues, let’s call him Creep (28M, at the time), had a crush on me and I could tell, but I was too shy and anxious to turn him down immediately. A few months later, I was assigned to a different department and started seeing him less and less (not that I minded, he was kinda creepy in everything he did - even in the way he speaks, but i later found out that he has problems communicating because of how he was raised by deaf parents).
One day he texted me saying that he would’ve come to the store to give me a ride back home (I lived literally 5 mins away from my workplace lol) once I finished my turn. I gently declined, I didn’t need a ride home, I could’ve just walked, but he insisted saying that he had something to tell me. I didn’t have a choice basically. Once we were in the car I asked him what he had to tell me so urgent he couldn’t have waited to see me at work. He confessed that he had a crush on me, that he noticed since we didn’t get to spend much time together anymore and he missed me, asking me what I thought about it and if I would give it a shot. I told him no, I was already seeing someone and I had no interest in persuing something else. I got off the car and said goodbye, but it seemed pretty chill between us.
A few weeks later we were hanging out with some of our friends, had a couple of drinks and, once we were alone, he kissed me. Back in the days my anxiety was pretty bad, I dissociated hard after that, feeling insecure because it seemed like my words didn’t mean a thing - I already turned him down, but he didn’t care.
The following day we had plans with other friends, so I asked him to meet me a little early so we could talk about what happened. He picked me up, he parked near where we hat to meet other people and he immediately cut me off when I started speaking. I was shocked at what he started blabbing.
Him:“So, since we are now dating, I just wanted to let you know a couple of things. I don’t want my girlfriend to go out and get drunk with male friends like you do; I don’t want you to dress like a whore, either-“
Me: “Well, you’re lucky then, since I am NOT your girlfriend.”
Right at that moment I got a phone call, so I picked it up. It was one of our friends, asking for details about the plans we had that evening. While I was talking to him, I suddently felt something wet and soft and disgusting in my other ear - yep, he started licking my ear and my neck out of the blue. Then he grabbed one of my tits, he put his hand between my thights and he touched me. I was shocked, my first reaction was freezing immediately, I was scared and it fucked with my brain badly because I was already sexually assaulted at 17. And he knew it. He knew that I wouldn’t have reacted, that it was too much for me to elaborate, that I was still recovering from my previous assault. I stood there holding my breath, hoping that he wouldn’t go further, because I didn’t have the strength to go through that again. I put down the phone and stared at him while shaking, unable to speak and frightened as hell. He was calm, as if nothing happened, and he continued his monologue. “I know it may seem a bit weird, but I’m still a virgin and I want you to be my first”, he said with dreamy eyes. I wanted to puke. He just molested me, but kept talking as if we were in a relationship. I told him once again that I already had a boyfriend, but couldn’t do anything more than that. I was dissociating so bad, even I started behaving like nothing happened and I don’t know why. Maybe if I played his game I would be safe. Maybe I wasn’t processing properly due to my previous abuse. I don’t know, but I still regret it because it was like telling him that it was fine and he could do whatever he wanted.
A few days later, when I saw him at work, I told him - ONCE AGAIN - that I wasn’t interested, I had a boyfriend, and if it helped him get over it I would stop speaking to him for a while so he could take his time. At first he said he agreed, but after a couple of hours he stopped me in the storehouse saying that he thought about it and he couldn’t accept it, he wanted to keep being my friend and talk to me. I told him “well, i have already told you what I think, I’m sorry but I think it’s better off this way. Now I don’t have time to talk about this again, I’m working”. I turned my back and went for the door - that’s when he suddently GOT ANGRY. He started screaming that he couldn’t stand the idea of not talking me, while blocking the door so I couldn’t get out. I was scared to death. I tought he was going to hit me or something, but nothing happened, he quickly calmed down and let me leave. I stopped talking to him completely. And he. Went. Crazy.
Whenever he walked past me he “”accidentally”” touched my butt; he did anything to find and excuse to talk to me; he always came too close to me to creep me out; he followed me whenever I had a break and went out to smoke a cigarette. My silence didn’t last long, since I got transfered again in the same department as him. Sometimes we were the only two people working during the shift, so I was forced to talk to him at least about work related stuff. So I did. He was ecstatic, he thought we were mending our relationship and he got 10X worse. He texted me weird pictures, he started replying to my Instagram stories with sexual comments, he started following me when I went to school after work, he followed me anywhere I went in general. He also told me weird stories that creeped me out even more.
I started asking my co-workers for help, begging them to stick around so he wouldn’t be near me alone, asking for advice on how to handle it. I didn’t feel safe talking to my supervisors for multiple reasons, and at the time I was just a troubled kid with ptsd. I didn’t have the tools to handle it. So I just stayed quiet. My mental health was getting worse day by day, I was paranoid, alienated, depressed, anxious and scared of everything. I stopped talking to everyone at work, I wasn’t able to interact because I felt as if I had forgotten how to do that. I was miserable. I started going to therapy and took 5 months off to focus on getting better.
But, 5 months later, I had to go back to work.
[The story is too long, if you are interested I’ll post the rest, I just needed a safe space to share this experience and get some advice on how to heal from all of this maybe?]

it’s coming up to three months. i miss my girlfriend so much. I have achieved a few things since she passed and i just wish i could share them with her cause i know she’d be proud. I have so many things to tell her that she would’ve found funny too:( poetry has always been my hobby. And it’s also a way i find a little bit of peace when i’m trying to manage my emotions. This is my most recent poem. I’m sorry for anyone that has become a part of this group💔. I wrote this last night when i was breaking down and just missing her so deeply. I wanted to share it.
a flame burns brightest at the smallest wick
zero signs, no warnings. she is gone, tomorrow, the next day & forevermore. i can’t remember a time she wasn’t smiling, her smile is permanently tattooed in my brain. i simply don’t remember looking at her, and not seeing a grin that ran from her left ear to her right ear. She was a beacon of light, she was a complete breath of fresh air. The same sort of air you’d expect to fill your lungs with at a tranquil lake in sweeden, no signs of pollution, 100% purified air. I always felt lighter after breathing her air. In fact, i even dreamed of being even half as pure as her one day. However i was wrong, everyone was so so wrong. we all misjudged this so called “pure” air it was only ever pure in our heads, and in our minds. But in reality she was choking, coughing and spluttering. gasping for air, air she didn’t believe she deserved. even if she was granted oxygen tents, inhalers, and all the air on earth she would still believe she didn’t deserve to breathe, to live. She didn’t even realise she helped so many people, just by existing, with her radiance and pure grace. She allowed us all to breathe clearly. behind the greatest smiles lies the most pain, she was desperate to tell me she hadn’t felt so “complete” for ages and just like that she was gone, never to be seen again. A flame burns the brightest at its smallest wick.

Thanks to Patron Member u/Entharo_entho - Here is the wiped out Tweet retrieved
Context - Wiped out from Internet
In March, I got a chance to work with filmmaker Sanjay Leela Bhansali right after he made Gangubai Kathiawadi, and Alia Bhatt, playing the titular character in the film, retweeted me.
The headline (in my head) was going to be, ‘The Boy From Kamathipura Goes To Bhansali Mandi.’
Then reality struck in April.
One of my closest friends Sweta called me from the Shivapuri National Park near Kathmandu and put me on speaker. Two other friends Mona and Ayush were listening to the WhatsApp call.
‘How’s it going with Bhansu?’ Sweta asked.
‘We are not working together anymore,’ I said.
‘Whaaaaaaaat?’ the three people shrieked, creating a wavy disturbance in audio frequency.
‘Whyyyyy?’ they cried, collectively anguished.
‘He said he is not feeling the vibes.’
‘What?’
‘Vibes,’ I said aloud, causing a seismic tremor in the audio frequency.
‘What vibes?’ Sweta jibed, ‘Maybe he can’t feel the vibrator.’
Laughter upped the vibes.
First, a little context on how I got that far. Check this, this, this & this.
So my tweets were going viral in February-March.
In the second week of March, a woman DM’d me saying she loves the tweets. I said thank you. She said she works at Bhansali Productions.
Whoopsie Daisy!
I asked if I could be a part of the production. She checked with SLB and team. He said he wants to meet now.
NOW!
How?
I was in Calcutta.
I called an actor friend in Bombay and told him about it.
“They will book your tickets and put you up in 5-star,” he said, “Like Hollywood.”
“This is Bhansaliwood,” I said, “Yahan dhanda hamesha manda hai.”
I flew (on my own expense) and met him.
I was ‘prepared’ by his team for the meeting with His High and Mightiness.
I was told:

Arre, then what do I say?
I sashayed in a brown kurta and white linen trousers. Please see Madhuri Dixit-Nene’s brown ghagra for aesthetic reference I used from my very limited wardrobe of the only kurta I had at the time. By the way, the chorus sings ‘Jhanak Jhanak Payal Baaje,’ aesthetically referencing you know what, right?
He was lunching with his minions (strictly calling them minions from his pov) when I arrived in his pristine white dining hall in a building called Magnum Opus. Where else should he reside, no? Both his house, and his office (where I was ‘prepared’ earlier) were tastefully done in creamy white.
It was, as I said to my friend later, like walking into a cumulus cloud, or like sitting on his favourite singer Lata Mangeshkar’s lap. Calm, serene and quite surreal. I was inside his snow globe. Violins from a Bach concerto (in my head) were replaced with say Madan Mohan’s doleful rendition of ‘Mai ri main ka se kahoon peedh apne jiya ki.’ (Side effect of writing this on Mother’s Day.)
I look for books when I enter a house for signs of intelligent life. There were lots of lamps and candelabras but where were the stacks of books they were perched on? The aesthetic was high on film set disposable kitsch. I stared into a cumulative void.
The minions were intensely debating Darjeeling momos. What’s that? I spent my childhood there. Never heard of this GI tag!
SLB relished his meal and said, “I want puranpoli today.”
Puranpoli appeared not out of thin air, but a house-help flipping wishes instantly on a griddle on the fifth floor. We were on the first floor. Although the puranpoli is shaped like a flying saucer, it doesn’t fly, perhaps burdened by the weight of excess ghee and crowd-pleasing expectation. It does, however, reach SLB’s plate at the speed of light.
‘Give him some,’ he asked a minion to serve me while I waited on the sofa.
‘I’ve had lunch, thank you,’ I said, trying to behave. The plate arrived. I took a mousy bite to exhibit my failing attempt to transform into a champion minion.
When he came to chat, he noticed the unfinished food and gently reminded me how there were days he went hungry. I should have rolled my eyes for my own lean days.
‘One should not waste food,’ he said.
‘I don’t,’ I said, ‘I was going to parcel it home in a doggy bag.’
Hearing the word doggy, his well-behaved dog came over to inspect me.
He observed me. I petted her perfunctorily. Am a cat person. Stereotypical writer stuff — allergic to undesired petting and attention.
‘So, what have you done?’ he asked, sitting on a sort of empire-style bergere chair. Full marks for faux-ornate.
‘A novel, some writing for a series,’ I said nervously, dismissively.
‘Anything I might have seen?’ he asked.
‘No, not worthwhile.’
‘Are you interested in direction also?’
‘No, am not delusional.’
A moment passed. I might have displayed an errant repartee.
‘I mean, I can only write, or am trying to,’ I said. L’esprit de l’escalier.
He gave me a spiel on writing, how screenplay is an art not many understand, etc, et cetera.
I nodded to make his voice disappear.
‘What are you writing now?’
I showed him the cover of my new book, The Last Courtesan, featuring my mother, on my phone.
‘Oh, this is so fascinating,’ he said.
He spoke rapturously about Calcutta’s great food and colonial architecture when I mentioned growing up in Bowbazar kothas. If you watch any of his interviews now on YouTube you will realise he only speaks in raptures. He’s always explaining things like an impassioned conductor at a dime-store opera. It can exhaust the boorish audience immediately. He spoke about living in the Kamathipura area as a child when I said I had lived there. The mythmaker was interested in exoticising his own legend as an ‘outsider’.
‘But how will you work here if your mother is in Calcutta?’ he said, ‘I am a maa-ka-bhakt.’
Everything is about him or his mother. I have reached that stage too, though only by circumstances unavoidable.
‘Actually it was my mother who asked me to come here. I told her it would only work out if you understand that I will have to vacillate between the two cities initially. Jaise Sanjay ki Leela hai, waise meri Rekha.’
Corny dialogue, but worked. No one calls him by his first name, except perhaps his own mother. He is sir for everyone.
‘If I am speaking to you for so long means I like you,’ he said. ‘Otherwise, I would have asked you to leave long ago.’
Barely five minutes into the conversation, he asked me to return to his office and inform his team that I was going to be a part of his writer’s room.
I went back to his office and read a script. This is the part I cannot mention. His legal team sits in the adjacent room.
I flew to Calcutta and was to return after a week. I had to make arrangements for my mother’s tri-weekly dialysis sessions at a nearby hospital, figure out a tiffin-delivery service for her, find a house help (she sent four nurses scurrying in the past), all of which is a bit of a task in this retrograde city.
Remember the woman who had DM’d me about my tweets? She messaged. She had met SLB after my meeting. He said this about me: ‘What a wonderful find. That boy has so much potential and is talented. Most importantly, he is sensitive.’
I told her I’d get this engraved on my tombstone.
Like how he wants to take Alia Bhatt’s golchakkar in Dholida to his grave.
“It’s a shot that I will take to my grave. If there’s any shot that I want to be played when I breathe my last, it would be Alia doing that shot. It is the best thing I have seen an actor do in a very long, long time.”
I was only emulating the high priest of hyperbole in my tombstone comment. Perhaps I was regressing into a minion.
I had only managed a few tasks for mother when I was back in Bombay. It worried me that the old, frail woman with shaky limbs and slurred speech was trying to be brave to send me to work. I hadn’t worked since the pandemic; she was in and out of hospitals so frequently that I had surrendered the thought of getting another job ever again. Taking care of her was my full-time job.
The first day in his office was to chill in my new, aesthetically pleasing kurta I had shopped for in Gariahat. There was a security camera in every corner that was apparently accessible on his phone. My skin tingled with this information. Chilled. He was at home. Probably watching. That’s a great way to create a myth.
The next day, there were more minions on the lunch table in his first floor apartment. The magically appearing steamy and fragrant sheera was delicious. A minion deemed it the best sheera in the city. I nodded to make that statement evaporate.
A courier boy interrupted for a document signature. SLB flared at a spelling mistake in the document papers.
‘Go wash your face and come back,’ he yelled at the young man.
The minions at the table laughed nervously. I so wished I was wearing a mask to cover my surprise emoji face.
The minions on the table were writers and assistant directors.
‘Dastavez,’ SLB said, ‘would that be correct to use?’
‘Kaaghzaat,’ the minion replied.
‘Kaaghzaat is paper, dastavez is document,’ said the second minion.
‘You always mislead me,’ SLB sternly reprimanded the first minion. ‘Don’t ever do that again.’
Only that minion tried to laugh, offering an apology. He shut the minion down.
My mask, my mask emoji face.
A third minion was sulking in a corner before I arrived for the writing session. This minion had reportedly offered a script suggestion, which he disliked and barked down. I liked this minion the most. Relatable.
A faint noise of a person running or perhaps just a rumbling sound from somewhere outside interrupted the room. He looked up at the ceiling and said, ‘No one lives there. Am certain it is a ghost. I hear running sounds all the time. I have heard sounds of furniture being dragged.’
I wondered if he actually believed in half the things he uttered, or was he just saying it to create enigma about himself. Mythical thoughts certainly kept him preoccupied.
Reality bored him. SLB had nothing good to say about the ‘current plague’ of South Indian films upsetting the Bollywood cartel. He compared them to a circus. He wasn’t kind to the actors he had worked with in his last film. He cracked lame jokes about everyone and everything. The minions laughed and kept him busy. I chuckled a few times to blend in. The mythmaker revelled in his prophesies about the impending doom of charlatans with no aesthetics: just crass, commercial peddlers pimping art. It was all said to amuse and bemuse while he fussed over the yellow shade of fabric from several swatches.
When he left for his music session, the minions bitched him out, and how! All the horror stories I had heard over the years about his moods, behaviour, language and violent temper were true. How else will he create myth about himself as a maestro? The Glomar response. Let the plebs indulge in hearsay. I will neither confirm nor deny. The minions sang effigy songs in happy tunes, if I may stretch this part a bit like his penchant for high camp.
That night, when I went to my actor friend’s house, where I was temporarily staying, I said to him, ‘I don’t think I will last a week there.’
I was rattled by how he spoke to the courier boy and the minions, with no filter. Well, at least it was clear he had no tact, endearing as that might be of a ‘genius’ if one compromises with his erratic behaviour. The CEO of his company does it beautifully and advises to develop a ‘thick hide’ around him. Cows, essentially.
Verve
The words genius, great, master, maverick, were so loosely bandied by his office staff even in his absence that I was tempted to add auteur, if they could spell or pronounce it. They worked in perpetual fear of him turning up at any hour and checking on their tidiness. A minion whined she wasn’t dressed appropriately for his surprise visit. Once, he even cut pay for unscheduled leave, said another minion. A minion narrated a shot he copied from a photographer in Gangubai Kathiawadi. Another minion recounted how he made her cry on shoot by screaming at her for a silly mistake. Minions couldn’t leave the office till his evenings were scheduled. It was a well-paying job so long as they did not have to see ‘chacha’s’ face and only applaud his cinematic sorcery.
His office team would assign me desk-work and warn me not to inform him about it.
‘What am I supposed to say if he asks?’
‘Make up something,’ I was told.
‘Why should I?’
‘You will slowly understand,’ I was told.
His team of assistants would sneak around me. I didn’t know who was reporting what back to him. He would interrogate the management team. They would lash out at me for informing the assistants. The management wanted to control me a certain way because ‘sir’ does not need to know everything. It was quite a guessing game. He had created an ecosystem of complete chaos and loved the hubbub. New people were hired for him to use the ‘new energy’ to rekindle the ‘old energy’ that needed to be reminded it could be snuffed out and replaced. He thrived on confusion because it all boiled down to him to sort out the mess. He was the provider so long as the minions ingratiated and served their grand master.
One time he called me upstairs, what his CEO called the god’s chamber aka the Shahenshah’s durbar: his office on the seventh floor. Walls were lined with giant posters of his films. We minions sat on the fifth floor. I was of course by now a week old in the toady mill. On the seventh floor, production team members, set designer, director assistant, young people sat on the floor, armed with notebooks and laptops, alert and sugar-tongued. He sat on a throne and dictated each one about their duty. A masseur massaged his leg. He asked me what I thought of a script. I said it was lovely. He asked me to elaborate. I said I liked a character’s resolve. He denied it was written. I said that’s my interpretation. A minion promptly backed me.
‘What changes do you suggest?’ he asked.
‘We should sit on it collectively and decide,’ I said.
He mumbled something. My suggestion was dismissed. I was dismissed. I bowed out. A minion whispered to me, ‘We all walk on eggshells around him.’ I had to be a chicken in a coop I suppose.
Another time he dismissed my suggestion for a scene saying, ‘That’s not how art is made.’ I had referenced a scene from Bandit Queen to illustrate my point. Just like his entire oeuvre is homage to a classic. How else does he make his art?
Allow me to illustrate with a frame from his first film Khamoshi: The Musical. The second image is from Pakeezah.
Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam references Red Beard, Woh 7 Din.
Devdas references Pakeezah more than once.
Black references The Miracle Worker.
Saawariya references Pyaasa, Awaara.
Guzaarish references Whose Life Is It Anyway?
Goliyon Ki Raasleela: Ram-Leela references Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story.
Bajirao Mastani references Mughal-E-Azam.
Padmaavat references Mirch Masala.
Gangubai Kathiawadi, let’s give him the benefit of doubt is all his own, original artistry.
The American filmmaker Jim Jarmusch once meta quoted the French filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard when he said:
“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery — celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from — it’s where you take them to.”
SLB believes he takes art and betters it, removing the grubby coat of slime from the sublime, often not concerned with acknowledging the source. He is a master’s master, elevating it to an otherworldly experience, the creator of a mythoverse.
He asked me to rewrite a scene I didn’t agree with. He banged the script folders on the table like a petulant, little child. I watched his posture change into a frump. Tiger Shroff’s ‘Bacchi ho kya,’ dialogue comes to mind.
‘You are talking like those critics who find fault but don’t know how to write. They should write the film,’ he said.
That argument will never make sense to me but since I write movies now and not just about them, I rewrote the scene in half an hour and showed it to him. He found it rubbish.
I was not called to the writer’s room for a week.
His CEO said I should go to his house; hang around him, like the other assistants whose only purpose in life is to feed his ego. We are slaves to his vision, she said. She thought I was a better writer than the team he had assembled. ‘From whatever I read, only three lines of your work on social media, I could sense it,’ she said.
Either she was encouraging, or bluffing with a perfectly Zen face. From the hundreds of Ganesh idols stacked in her room, it was clear she wasn’t a reader. She was good at reading numbers, data, and stats. She would sense a sign if one of the metal idols sucked milk from a spoon on the day she enquired about box –office figures.
There was more than one right-wing hardliner in his office. Secular staff was invisible. A pretty minion in baby pink t-shirt, whose main grouse was that another minion called him a Barbie doll, said he was happy with the Modi government building roads in his home state Bihar. Another minion countered him by asking: What about the persecution of minorities by the same government? The pretty minion said he didn’t care for that. He was assisting ‘sir’ because he wanted to be an actor. Which lead me to wonder how many Muslim actors has this production worked with? Silly of me to think, right? Given that I myself don’t use my Muslim surname. I’ve now successfully planted a myth in your head. That’s how it works.
In the time that I was in Versova during my brief stint at Bhansali Productions, I met several people with their own SLB horror story. A producer said, ‘He is a difficult man but life changes for good after you work with him. Some people want to go through hell first. Life bann jaati hai.’ I didn’t understand why purgatory was necessary. Another former assistant said, ‘When you work with the worst (SLB) and the best (KJO), you are ready for the rest.’
A young woman gave him a thesis she wrote on his films. He asked her to write a book on her. She said she wanted to assist as a director. She never heard from him. A filmmaker said SLB was too friendly with another assistant, suggesting intimacy. A writer wasn’t given credit in a film.
Another writer was promised his script will be turned into a film but it never took off and now he feels his life has been ruined. A young filmmaker’s debut movie SLB produced was delayed, not promoted, and called ‘kachra’ to his face.
The young man said SLB is sexist, homophobe, classist, fat shamer, emotional abuser, and a body shamer. “He is a joyless pit of darkness where happiness goes to die. And those are the nicest words I can think of to describe him,” he said. Another filmmaker said a choreographer was in a relationship with SLB and wanted to marry him but he wouldn’t even touch her, a hotly discussed conversation amongst his minions.
Everything sounds hokum. A successful man is likely to upset a few. The few will talk. Their words may ring true through a gossamer veil of implausibility. Myths magnifying his persona.
There are too many myths about his personal life, aroused by his silence on the subject but all too obvious in his work. When people want to confirm with me, I am equally appalled at their lack of aesthetics. Like the great reader of curtains, Edgar Allan Poe, you only have to look at SLB’s use of billowy curtains in films to guess.

Above stanza, courtesy Poe, poem: The Raven.
Hope you get the drift, or draft, hawa ka jhonka! By the way, am digressing now, is the weirdly named character Sameer Rosselline in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam the first mainstream Hindi film hero to pass wind? The ruffled curtains are first to be cautioned though.
Unlike most people willing to swallow their pride to work with SLB, few like the eponymous Gangubai character choose izzat. The house-help employed in my actor friend’s house was asked to work as a cook in his house. When she heard the whimsy, dessert-craving demands, she declined the offer. I identify with her no-nonsense style.
In November 2021, a filmmaker read a film script I wrote and said, ‘This is SLB territory. Only he can make it. It is the modern love-story he has been wanting to make for a long time.’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked, somewhat flattered but also bewildered.
‘Yes, we just have to change the setting from Calcutta-Bombay to Calcutta-New York. It is what he has been trying to crack. I’ll get him to read it.’
I never spoke to SLB about my script. I did not want to look like a schemer. I had only got a chance because of my mother’s story. I had come to write courtesan songs. Hindi films are recognised by their songs. His films have show tunes that live on long after the sequins and mirrors reflect a decadent style. He employs the old-fashioned method of making Hindi films, which is to stitch scenes around a song, not the other way round. And when you glean your references from the best of classical melodies, how can you falter?
My own SLB story is that after watching Saawariya in 2007, I wrote a few songs, moved to Bombay, lived in Versova, close to Magnum Opus, and hoped to meet him, but made no effort even though I came in close contact with people who worked directly with him. I never requested for a meeting. Over the years, I too had heard a few horror stories about him. I only believe in what I see. I waited when he would call for me, my work would have to speak for itself.
A day before Good Friday, his CEO sat me down and said it’s not working out.
There’s a mythical story of how Lata Mangeshkar was on her way to record a song for SLB but the heavens poured and she had to turn her car back. A typical SLB frame of hope and hopelessness.
Never work with your idols. You’ll have a better story to imagine and create myths.
I was so relieved to leave. I hadn’t got a moment to read, or write, let alone think since I got here. Why I wanted to work with SLB was to not believe in hearsay. I will either confirm or deny.
‘Great,’ I said, ‘everyone deserves an off on Good Friday.’
The office was unsure about public holidays. SLB’s mood dictated the calendar.
Before returning to Calcutta, I met a friend entrenched in the film business.
When she heard of the fiasco, she said, ‘I’ve heard he is very anal, is he?’
The vibrator jokes never stop.

NOTE: I posted this elsewhere yesterday when I was completely spiraling. I feel a a fraction of a bit better today. I'm leaving this in word-for-word. Even though I say at the end I don't know why I posted this, I guess I do want to hear about other people's experiences. Its felt better to get this out.
The last three years of my life have been pretty tough, but I really thought I had come through the other side. I (M39) decided to go back to school, as I was not very happy in my former field. It was an extremely tough thing to do, as I would be taking a pay cut for the foreseeable future. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for almost three years at this point and owned a house together. She said she supported my decision and understood my time would become limited considerably while I was in my program. Well that was a fucking lie. Almost immediately she started complaining about me "not taking her out" like I used to, or not doing as many projects around the house. The program I was in was already anxiety-inducing enough. To cut a long story short (because this isn't event what this post is about), I came to see our relationship was transactional, developed severe anxiety, and started to suffer health-related problems like high blood pressure. By the skin of my teeth I passed my program, became licensed, but had lingering issues around everything that had gone down in that span of time.
Over the last six months I have put in a lot of work and truly felt very hopeful for my future. I saw a therapist, got on some medications, lost 20 lbs. and got into great shape. Starting this new field has been a challenge, but also rewarding in the way I was looking for. I met a girl at work which I was very hesitant about d/t setting and some lingering anxiety issues. There was common interest, and I really explained what I had gone through and where I felt like I was. We both agreed to take things VERY SLOW. Hiking, lunch, movies, very casual for the first month. We finally had our first "serious" date - a fancy late night dinner and tickets to a show. We had some wine at her house after, and after some light touching and kissing, we had the conversation of getting tested because we were very much both interested in pursuing more. She had an ex give her chlamydia and had an upcoming OB/GYN appointment and was planning and getting a full workup. I thought "Well I've only slept with two women in the past eight years and have had no issues," but knew I hadn't been tested since 2016, which had shown I was clean.
I got my results back last Friday. HSV II. I'm fucking stunned. I mean I couldn't fucking breath. Full blown panic attack. I have never had any issues with my penis at all. Never any pain urinating, nothing. All the anxiety that I had worked so hard to get rid of came back and crushed me over this last weekend. It was all I could do to to get through my 12-hour shifts. I immediately hit up both of my ex's to figure out who the hell had given me this, as there was no other way. Last ex proceeds to tell me she had been tested about six months ago when she started dating her new boyfriend. I confirm she's clean for HSV II. She proceeds to berate me for being an idiot and a near 40 year-old with a disease now. I'll admit I'm not very proud of this, but she assumed I had caught something after her and I did not tell her that that left only the possibility of my relationship before her passing this to me.
So on to the title and why I'm so devastated. I'm really racking my brain on how I could have this but never see anything wrong with my penis. Then I read something that was my 'getting struck by lightening' moment. It was a post that is very similar to mine. Guy gets tested, guy gets HSV II diagnosis, perplexed at no previous penis symptoms. But he does get pretty bad cold sores from time-to-time. His Dr informs him that it's very possibly to get HSV II on your face. Now I never thought I had a cold sore before, but I remember back in 2017 getting an infected hair follicle in the hair right below my bottom lip after shaving. I went to the Dr, he looks at it and says "Yup, looks like an infection," give me antibiotics, but it doesn't go away for about two weeks. About two years after that, same thing happens: I shave, my follicle gets infected, I get more antibiotics from the Dr, and though it's not anywhere near as bad as the first time it still takes about two weeks to heal. Then almost exactly a year ago the same thing pops about, but this time I haven't shaved. Call my Dr, gives me antibiotics without even looking at it. I start looking at HSV II outbreaks in the same area as I was getting my infected follicle. I find a few pictures that look dead-on from what mine looks like. I at least though "Well, it's on my penis, condoms exist," but I'm not exaggerating in the least when I tell you after my realization I felt like the hopeless protagonist at the end of an HP Lovecraft novel where he realizes there is indeed a fate worse than death.
I'm finally able to get ahold of my ex from back in 2016. She confirms to me that she indeed has HSV II, but didn't think to tell me because we hadn't spoken in years. "I figured if you didn't reach out then we were good." This confirms she cheated on me because we were tested together. I don't even care about that now. Now my focus shifts to the girl I'm currently dating. She knows something is up. So I just started at where we work and on the other hand she's been there for six years. She is like family to most people on the floor. I'm the annoying new guy who barely knows anyone. She has her OB/GYN appointment today and I realize I need to tell her that not only do I have HSV II, that it's on my face and there is possibility she might have it on hers' too. She is very calm about it but I can tell in her voice that she is shook. I hope to beyond all fucking hope that her test comes back all clear. I'm also legitimately contemplating put in my resignation at work, a job I just fucking started. There's no way this doesn't get out at work and I don't become ostracized. I don't know how I'm going to approach this in the future, I don't see any romance in my life anymore. And this is so fucking selfish, but if I gave this to her I am legitimately scared on how this will make ME feel. I'm scarred that that guilt will cripple me and I'll be doomed to live in constant anxiety. I don't feel any better writing this all out, in fact I feel worse. I have no idea why the fuck I'm posting this.

it was 2019, vacations had started and i had a terrible friend group in my neighbourhood, they never included me in activities and they were all atleast 2 years older than me.
one evening, we were playing hide and seek and i somehow ended up kissing this older guy and then we used to kiss often, for a few weeks and then he completely abandoned me and got back with his girlfriend. that was tough for me, adding up to the friend group drama and everyone used to make a big deal out of dating older guys when it was clearly grooming. i had gotten groomed. not fun lol.
a few days later, my friend noticed a cut on my thigh that i got from a sharp corner of my bed and she asked if i was hurting myself, and thats when it hit me, how fun would it be to hurt myself! wrong kiddo, almost 6 years of you hurting yourself and scarring your body for life
at first, the cuts were superficial, but it made me feel relaxed and relieved, it got much worse after one of my classmates tried to cut herself in front of the entire class. thats when it actually got real. then the lockdown happened and i read more about self harm and talked to a few people who dealt with it, got the usual "stop doing it or i will stop talking to u" kinda convos.
self harm got worse, didnt dare to wear shorts for few months, lost a few friends because i was apparently too much to deal with, found this sub and very supportive comments.
and at last, getting professional help but it feels like the constant sadness never went away, it feels like i masked it with something else and never actually dealt with it and its coming back, but this time im much stronger and have some amazing people by my side <3

TLDR my brother married a psychotic girl who abandoned her kids multiple times
My brother married an actual psychopath. My brother (40) married the scummiest scum of the earth. Who can only be described as a whore, a psycho, sociopath and an all around terrible human being. It was against the wishes of EVERYONE. For back story…She had a child by another man… and only had him (in november) to live off the government. he met the stray hoe took care of her and her unborn child. they started dating in september and by christmas she had drained his bank account. He moved in with her days after christmas. Proposed. And got married sometime between march and june i honestly can not be bothered to know exactly when. The night before brother was admitted to the er for staph infection in his berries. After the “wedding” that was in the back yard of some pastor . they had a “reception”. Where i photographed/observed the following. A used tampon on washing machine. Shit filled diapers littering the nursery. A surreal amount of clothing on the bed. I said nah im good. And went home. Eventually she got my brother to legally adopt her child. Im forever convinced if not for my brother she would casey anthony her child. She Munchausened her kid and my brother. Self diagnosing the kid with autism. Pushed or made my brother fall and get multiple concussions. Drugged him with date rape drugs to keep control of him. She was a frequent flier to the ER going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons. She refused to parent her child insisting that its the worlds job to teach him the bare minimum. She refused to clean as well. Her cockroaches had cockroaches. Cleanliness was mental illness for her. She kicked my brother out asking for divorce. But realized she had to leave bc he paid the bills. She stayed with whoever the hell would take her. Was forced to walk wherever she needed to go. And uttered the words “well i had to walk in the rain so theres my bath for the week” after growing tired of not having his card and money she came crawling back. She avoided parenting like the plague. Every excuse. Uti. Migraine. Yeast infection. Its a tuesday. When her son was 2 she left to go to another state and go to school for being a truck driver. Had no qualms of leaving her kid behind for weeks. Then she dropped out of 18 wheeler school. It seems the wheels on her bus fell off. For someone who doesnt believe proper hygiene was important she didnt believe bathing him and basic care was important. Feet encrusted in dirt and dirt under overgrown nails. It was so noticeable that when i cut his nails his teacher made comment about it. Her family was just as absent as you would expect. Her mother only went to the first birthday party when the child was 6. And didnt even know her own grandchild. Asked another child at the party if he had the best birthday! My mom looked at her and said “yeaaa thats the wrong kid…” Fast forward when the first born was 6 and she birthed her second. This had no change and her parenting never improved. Another child encrusted in dirt. After the youngest turned a year and a half my brother had knee surgery and stayed with us (me mom dad) to recover because she would have made him cook clean and parent. While he was healing for the week he was there she moved in her boyfriend AND girlfriend. By the way she not only a hoe she is a promiscuous hoe with no moral compass. I promised my mom id never call CPS however when the second was 2 i had a friend call cps. Like a special ops team cops went in at 2 am and gathered the children and brought them to me and my parents. We had the 2 year old and a friend of the hoe had the 8 year old. For 2 weeks my brother agonized over his kids being taken. And she had a vacation. She treated it as if having your kids repo’ed as a right of passage. Told the world. Told the teacher. And had the time of her stupid life. In the 2 weeks i had them i had minions collecting screenshots of statuses of her being a bad mother. Which was super easy bc every thought made it to facebook. Such as. “My dentist suggested i brush my teeth at least once a day” “i guess i was doing (brother) with the wrong meds and made him sick” “why dont grandparents raise our children” i gathered these gems and photographic evidence of the state of the house and cleanliness of children to cps, police and eventually divorce lawyer. During their time together the hoe broke my brother mentally spiritually emotionally physically financially. The food stamps ran out in the first week of every month spent on junk soda and unnecessary nonsense. They had to ask my mother for money that accumulated to the tune of $10,000 over 10 years. She is also a gofundme whore. She would start a gofundme 10-12 times a year for any and everything. She decided at one point to go back to school and did an amazon wishlist for school supplies and a gofundme for “gas food and other expenses”. Being the trash human she is she is friends with people of unsavory character. An actual crack head bought her entire amazon wishlist. Which she put on facebook. Yikes. At one point she found a dog and instead of finding the owner she finders keepers that poor pup. Making yet another gofundme for dog expenses. I told my friends i would paaaay them to claim the dog as theirs so my mother didnt pay for yet another mouth to feed. If youre curious about the gofundmes and if they were ever fruitful… when a bull milks a calf will her gofundme work. The final year of their marriage was no less chaotic. The christmas of 2019 she posted on facebook that its so wonderful that her husband is out working and her boyfriend is sleeping next to her and her girlfriend is cooking. Tagging the aforementioned on facebook. My brother was humiliated because infront of church members family and friends his marriage and all the stupidity that came with it was out in the open for all to judge. My brother was at the time a corrections officers and let his kind nature and naivety get him in trouble. A person asked him to take some taco bell to an inmate and in what could only be called a moment of stupidity (sorry mom) he did so. what he didnt know is they put drugs in it and when it was scanned he was arrested. My mom and dad had to bail him out too him home and around 3 am he called me “they voted me out” beyond confused i asked what the hell does that mean? As it turned out. Hoe boyfriend and girlfriend unanimously voted him out of the house. Mind you. Single wide trailer housing 4 adults 2 kids a dog and cats. June of 2020 he moved back in a month later if the children followed. after the actual breadwinner left the house the unemployed baboons could not pay the rent and were kicked out. The three went down to two with the girlfriend being let go. Hoe and boyfriend moved in with her mother. And boyfriend wrecked the car in my brothers name. Dui and head on collision. Car gone! The children stayed with us. The youngest was 2 at the time and began calling my mom “mommy” which pissed off the hoe. And she never contacted them. At the hearing for the divorce she stated all she wanted out of the relationship was not money or visitation. But her maiden name back. TAKE IT. AND LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE. She also used a photo of her kids on a gofundme to get sympathy and posted that to a fetish website. Seeing as the photo was them shirtless i believe that was on purpose. She dumped boyfriend and found a new love in new hampshire. She was in NH for 8 months with her new boyfriend and he lost his job so they moved back down. After a summer of no contact she called and told the children “when i get home we are going to….” And listed about 10 events places and activities to look forward to. None of which she delivered on. After not spending time with them again and choosing to give up her weekend with them to play video games for 30 HOURS STRAIGHT. She eventually in 2024 decided that her and her boyfriend were moving to Massachusetts. Seeing how she is a practicing witch my only hope is the salem witch trials reconvene. She married the dude she abandoned her kids for. On mothers day the children who no longer give a damn she exists were forced to call and tell her happy mothers day. Where the 6 year old proceeded to tell her the older brother got a phone and didnt wanna give her his number. She assured him that as his mother its quite alright to give mommy dearest the number to which the youngest said yea no he doesnt want to. The mouths of babes. She cried and posted on facebook not only do her children hate her but she had to give up her cats too. And wished the “real mom’s of the world a happy mothers day” shes a shit cat mom too! A week after we had spaghetti for dinner and the 6 year old said “i never used to like spaghetti. I only tried it at… whats her names house? Jordan? Yea her house” With their father engaged to a good Godly woman with morals and standards the worst mother to ever mother has been replaced and so far we are all living happily ever after. The moral of the story is if you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas what if you lay down with whores end up with bedbugs and that was a very costly moral Edit to add: they had come over one day and someone called asking for my mom. And they heard the hoe speak. Asked if mom couldnt come to the phone bc of company. I said nah thats just my brother and his first wife. This was 6 months into marriage 😂

I apologize in advance for the length of this thread, but by far this is the user that wrote the most comments in the video of our song. At first, he suggested Scepter and Reign, but he debunked this lead by saying: "Scepter and Reign can be crossed off. I have been corresponding with the lady whose name is mentioned in the legal document, Naomi (first name used with her permission, and only her first name) since Thursday. She was legitimately shocked her name was on the document because in all these years NOBODY ever contacted her regarding it. She thinks they may have realized how much money it would cost and probably withdrew. She knew both bands fairly well, scale of 1-10 she answered "6.5 maybe 7'ish". She designed 1 "logo" for each band that was literally just a sketch she made with their band names on them she could print out in the Xerox store she worked at. Scepter's original name was actually "Dungeon Master" but they changed it to fit their name on her design. As for the abandoned demo from Scepter, she said they abandoned it because they couldn't afford to produce it. They didn't even make it far enough to name their 3 or 4 songs. So, on to the big question, are either bands involved with this song? According to her both bands came out in 1985, and according to her this "The Falling King" song predates both bands by a year or 2. This is not Scepter or Reign, this song is older than both bands. According to her, she first heard this song on a Detroit station while visiting family. Even back then, the Detroit station personnel had absolutely NO CLUE who this was. She remembers her father making fun of the singers accent claiming it was a "Posh" accent and also used to think the lyric was "The fall, the fall in the king" lol. I explained how this song was recorded off of several stations in 1987 and she replied "How many songs do you hear on the radio that are several years old?". She was stumped this was played on Z-Rock because this does not sound like an amateur band to her. She is not the only person to make comments that this does not sound like an amateur band, this sounds professionally recorded and produced, something EXTREMELY few amateugarage bands could have done. I thought i had something, but at least i tried. By the way, apparently Reign still performs in the Pittsburgh area under the name "Metallic Thunder"." (THIS IS HIS LATEST COMMENT) If this is true, it means our search will be even more difficult.
In one of his earliest comments he said this: "My 2 oldest sisters (born in 1970 and 1972) actually remember this song being played by garage bands and local talents in the Coatesville PA area. However, they both swear on mom and dads ashes that the first time they heard this song, a local music festival in Exton PA, I was NOT born yet (I was born in 1984). Even back then nobody could say who it was or what the title was. In fact the one band from Downingtown PA used to refer to it as "The Dungeons and Dragons song". And by that i mean, according to my sisters the lead singers girlfriend (or his sister....they could never tell?) would be in the crowd and when they were ready to end their performance she would shout "Play the Dungeons and Dragons song". My sisters also remember the adults thinking this song was somehow a promotional thing for the PA Renaissance Fair. Unfortunately they cannot offer any clues to the identity of this band or songs title, their guess, back then and still today, was Manowar."
At first, he claims our band is Manowar, explaining: "I do not think Manowar is an obscure band, nor do my sisters. The "obscure" bands mentioned in my postings are all the local garage/amateur bands that they remember playing this song and most of those garage/amateur bands even back then, along with my sisters, were under the impression this was a Manowar song. Many people, not just on this post but others feel this is Manowar "pitch" song, other bands thrown around have been Iron Maiden, Overdrive (Or Overkill, i'm not sure if it's the same band?), Blackmane, Axis and Cirith Ungol (spelling?). Keep this in mind, it's not that uncommon for mainstream/well known bands to have unreleased music in their "library". A good example, ask the most diehard Rammstein fans what their first song ever was, they'll probably answer Du Recht So Gut or Rammstein. Most people have never heard their 1992-1993 pitch song, "Tier" (Monster, beast). In fact, Till Linderman himself stated in 2018 he was unaware Tier was ever recorded by anyone, yet alone put up on the internet. Like this "Fall of the King" song, "Tier" was toted as an mystery song for years but was in a group of 4 or 5 other songs that Rammstein did but never released. One of my favorite bands, Corvus Corax, actually had something similar happen, a song they did back in the early 90's, "Vampire", opening for another band was recorded by a fan in the audience and made rounds on the Neo Folk community ages later. Corvus Corax themselves heard it on a radio station in Denmark roughly 2009'ish and called them asking how and when they got that song because they NEVER recorded it for public use. Personally i cannot give a wager who this is? I am not that good with this genre so i go with what people older than me and much better with this music say. To me it could be Manowar, something they never intended to be released publicly, it could be the Z'Rose a bunch of people feel it is, it could be Overdrive/Overkill (i do not know if these names are the same band or 2 separate ones?), it could be me time traveling impersonating my great uncle Fred......ok that last one was just meant to be a joke lol." Then someone says: "has your sister contacted erik to see about the the song?" and he says "OH HELL NO!!! They haven't spoken since they broke up in 1991-1992. I did reach out to his brother probably a year ago and never heard back."
He suggests it's either Manowar or Sarissa (he mispelled them): "@aSome1 There's some confusion, my sisters never said Z'Rose was playing the song in our hometown area. Local teenage to early college yrs bands were playing it. They recognized this song when I was on a family Zoom chat, i had this song on in the background (by accident actually lol) and my oldest sister (#1 born in '70) asked what i was listening to. I turned it up and she shook her head and asked the other sister (#2 born in '72) "Oh my gosh isn't that that stupid Manowar song Erik and his brother used to play all the time?". Erik was the name of her high school boyfriend. They remember hearing it first at an amateur music fest when my brother (born in '82) was still a baby. Mainly they remember mom fitting all of them in her old "Batmobile" station wagon. By the time i was born in '84 that station wagon was gone for at least several months. The band names they specifically remember playing this, and keep in mind these were "Garage bands" from the 80's were: Venomous Vomit, Razors in your Coffee (Erik's band), Ash to Ash, Cauldron Kings, Coven of Metal, Pridesville, South of Hell and Purgatory. They said there were a few more, but didn't remember....or care....to know their names. (Disclaimer: Several peoples associated with those mentioned bands have been contacted by me and several have replied.....the most common reply is "How the hell do you know us!?" lol)
"I have actually been looking at this song for almost 3yrs. I've had some "good leads" and some "bad leads" and i've also had "WTF leads".......but at the end it is still unsolved. So far the biggest contenders, from people way better with this music than me (I'm more a symphonic or extreme metal person) have been: Manowar, Iron Maiden, OverDrive, Overkill, Onslaught of Destruction and Sonic Mahem. My sisters really believe it is possibly an unreleased or "pitch demo" of Manowar but they also said it might be a Greek band from the early 80's called Sarassa or something like that?"
Then he denies it's Z-Rose: "@lostwavefinder587 I have seen that name tossed around a lot on forums and random chats (this being one of them). Most people way smarter and better with this music than myself seem to have the opinion that it is not Z'Rose. They range in reason from: the equipment sound professional and they were not, the dates don't add up, Z'Rose only did covers so even it is them in the recordings it's still not their song.....one individual (a supervisor at work who lived in Texas during this time frame) actually said "Z'Rose wouldn't have been sober enough to finish that song". I have only heard 1 Z'Rose recording, and unfortunately the person who recorded it (I think the date says 1989?) spends the majority of the 5 minute video talking during the performance so all i hear is them and not the singer. I have to emphasize about %99 of this info i'm presenting is NOT from me but people who know this genre of music way better than me....i'm more Symphonic metal and neo folk (Corvus Corax, Heilung, Faun etc."
"Out of curiosity, since a lot people think this might be Z'Rose, has anyone contacted the family/families of Nick or Joe Cavazos? My "team" is looking into a blog page from 2018 of a pretty intense exchange between a blogger and a woman who is believed to be "Rocker Joe's daughter. In this exchange she states this song is NOT her dad and uncle's band. But it gets pretty rough because the blogger keeps pressing and let's just say some NSFW language is exchanged. I will only say this, the woman's name does match one of the names in Julio "Joe" Cavazos obituary, but they can't tell if it is actually HER or someone posing. I also find it interesting that in another posting of this song someone is claiming to be the nephew of both Nick and Joe.....but about a dozen people ask about this song and he does not answer them......but someone else will ask something unrelated to this song and he answers??"
"About a year ago on another posting of this song, someone had a link to a conversation with a woman who was allegedly Joe Cavazos daughter. She very adamantly denied this was her dads band, Z'Rose. They person kept pressing her and she did not budge a single inch, "NO, its not my dad's band". The only thing that could be confirmed was the woman's name did match a name in Julio "Joe" Cavazos obituary as his daughter. But if it was her or not I can't say? Many peoples on other postings and on forums have all claimed to have gotten in contact with Z'Rose and stated they responded "No" to this being theirs.
So the "Kings Fall" song by Bernard Cavazos is actually a completely different song. He is also not related to the Z'Rose Cavazos. Somewhere I read that the "Kings Fall"/"Fallen King" song by Bernard Cavazos is about a corrupt politician or mafia like "king" not an actual king. Again none of this is from me, it's from things I read, not me.
When 'Wang' did a video about several mystery songs he included this one. In his video (I don't know if he made more than one?) he talked about how that Bernard Cavazos has been contacted and has denied this is his Fall of the King song. If my memory is correct Wang read a message from him explaining his "king" was a corrupt politician or gang leader like king. Wang also mentioned there was another Bernard Cavazos who was a doctor and he is sick and tired of people contacting him about this song"
Someone that replied to him said:
"@CharlesMarkward probably this tape recording was an attempt from them to make something of their own, many bands have started this way, an example is the Brazilian power metal band Angra, they were first meant to be an Iron Maiden tribute but as things went by, they have decided to release things of their own...I couldn't find anything about this "Z'Rose" band in metal-archives, neither at Google with a simple research, but the data gathered until this moment make sense: the Z Rock radio is from Texas, the so called "Z'Rose" band is also from Texas, it was the 80's, so, without internet, this was the way bands used to promote their work...but your story adds some drifts from this sensible data available until now...they are/were from Texas, ok...but until then, they weren't any big group, which means they were probably 9 to 5 salarymen whose musician activity was on weekends and the money earned wasn't enough to keep up with, so, a trip from TX to PA is a long ranged one and expensive for their then standards, I can remember when I've read the Mick Wall's Metallica biography, in which they highlight how hard was for them to go all the way from CA to NY to record Kill em' All, well, unless someone sponsored the so called "Z'Rose from Texas" (like the Zazula couple to Metallica) to play in the events you've mentioned in PA...which means they were good and had potential (this "mysterious recording" doesn't let me lie), because it takes a lot for someone at the other eastern extreme of a big country like the USA to call someone all the way from TX to play in an event when probably there were good bands around and without the need of a sponsorship to travel and get some place to sleep and eat..."
Therefore Charles says: "Also, i am not the one saying it's not them. People much better with much more access to metal archives/records are saying it's not them. BUT, everything you said makes perfect sense to me and I have no argument against any of it. It would make perfect sense if it was a possible pitch demo Z'Rose recorded and kept along for a few years before a station played it. My sisters are %98 certain it was a Manowar song, the only other band they mentioned as a possibility is a Greek band i can't find anything about called something like Sarassa??"
Someone told him to contact Erik: "A little bit ago someone in here suggested i contact my sisters ex and ask where he got this song. I could not get a hold of him, but i did get in contact with his brother he played with. According to the brother they got the song from their aunt who lived in Philly (Center City) and would send them tapes of songs to play. This song was on a tape sandwiched between "4 or 5" Manowar songs. He specifically remembered this for 2 reasons: 1, their aunt wrote "Killing of the king by No Name" and 2, the last song on the this tape was labled as a Venom song (he did not recall which) but was actually "Melody of Love" by Bobby Vinton😂. So i think this is why my sisters keep saying it's Manowar, because if it was on a tape with a bunch of their songs that chances are they heard a crapload of times?"
He contacted Erik's brother (Erik is supposedly the ex boyfriend of one of his sisters) and received this reply: "Erik's brother returned another email I sent about this song. I made a post about it about a week ago. The brother says their aunt who lived in Philly included this song on a mix tape of stuff for him and his brother to play. This song was sandwiched between several Manowar songs and the last song on the tape was supposed to be a Venom song but was actually Bobby Vinton's "Melody of Love" 🤣"
Therefore debunking the possibility it's a Manowar song, he also adds: "She (the aunt) passed in 2014. She would record songs off the radio for them. She lived in Philly (Center City) but also had a place in Florida, so he was never sure which cities radio stations she would record from. This song she wrote "Killing the King?" As the title and "???" as the band name, but it was between several Manowar songs. I think this might be why my oldest sisters are so insistent this is a Manowar song because they may have listened to it with Erik and his brother.....it's a theory lol"
He also thought of Iced Earth as the possible band: "lostwavefinder587 I immediately thought of Iced Earth when I heard this song. Although it's likely just a coincidence, it's interesting to note that Iced Earth was originally called "The Rose".
Someone said to him: "if that's any help, the Greek band's name you're talking about is probably Sarissa. I don't think it's them, though: the vox sound kinda different, and their songs are mostly Ancient Greece-themed." And he replied: "Yes, thank you! All this time I've been spelling it wrong. I gave a quick listen to a demo of theirs from '86. In terms of sound and beat and tempo etc, they are pretty close to this song. In terms of vocals, they sound nothing alike." Therefore, he debunked Sarissa himself.
Now here he changed his version and provides a new lead given by his sisters:
"Holy crap for some reason my last post got cut in half and didn't include the following info, sorry! So the individual i spoke to and got the new possible lead is the former singer of the one band my sisters mentioned, Purgatory, (i do NOT have his permission to use his real name but his stage name was Tarantula). He confirmed he played this song "once or twice" but didn't know the lyrics so they just repeated several "blocks" over and over again. He heard it from a band in NJ and when he asked if he could use the song they replied along the lines of "It's not our song, we don't care" but gave no indication who it was or they even knew who it was? He suggested the band "Knightmare" because they were from Texas and he remembers all of their songs being medieval or medieval fantasy related. Supposedly they wore what looked like full on plate armor (he does not know if it was actual metal armor or something made to look like it). He saw them perform a handful of times because he spent summers in Texas on his grandfathers (mistakenly said uncle in my last post, sorry) ranch and would sneak off at night to "the metal scene" (i do not know if that was a club name or if he just meant that in general?). He began visiting his grandfathers ranch in 1980 and stopped when his grandfather retired in 1992. He gave an estimated timeline for "Knightmare" of 1981-1989."
He corrects himself by saying they are not called "Knightmare": Interestingly, my supervisor at work lived in Texas during this timeline (roughly mid 70's to mid 90's from what i can gather?) and when I asked him about Knightmare he had no idea. But when i mentioned they dressed up like knights in armor he suddenly looked startled and said "That wasn't their name, their name was Battle Battalion or some s*** like that".
But then he says: "So i posted a few months ago about this song, my sisters remember garage bands in the area playing this… I checked every band called Knightmare on Metal Encyclopedia and it doesn’t look like it’s our band." "Forgive my French.....Damn. I thought maybe it could have been a lead but i guess like dozens of others I've come across, dead end. I did a quick search for Knightmare a few weeks ago and I got all excited i saw one band dressed up like monks or Druids, but that band only came out in 2017. I think it's safe to say the name has been used by many bands."
Then someone asks him: "Does the name "Battle Battalion" show up on any Metal "pedia" sites? That's what my supervisor claims this "dressed up in medieval armor" bands name was?" and another one told him: "I saw some bands with Battalion on the metal encyclopedia and discogs and none of them are our band. I don’t think we should go based on what a band wears as our lead."
Then he debunks the Knightmare (and the Conquest) lead: "So a little bit ago i mentioned a band name "Knightmare" as a possibility for this song. Well the band was actually called "KnyghtBlyde" (Knight Blade) and i got in contact with the daughter of the vocalist last night. I played this song for her and after some confliction/hesitation she said it is NOT her dad. The biggest thing was all of her dads songs were based of Aruthurian lore and filled with references to Camelot, Arthur, Morgana, Lancelot, Excalibur etc. Since this song has none of that, its not them. She has no idea who this is. I did a quick search "Conquest 80's metal band Texas" and found 3 results. Conquest from San Antonio, split in either '85 or '87. Conquest from Dallas, '86 - '90. Khan'quest (possibly same band as Khanquistador?), no location given but split up in '88 then reformed in 2000 then......nothing? I could not find anything about any of their songs or demos or releases or band members. But it's obvious I was thinking of the wrong Conquest bands 😂 Conquest was ruled out. Someone who owns the tape was contacted and told us this isn't them."
And he says the singer of KnyghtBlade is convinced this song is from Battallion:
"So a little bit ago I mentioned getting in contact with KnyghtBlyde singers daughter who states that this is NOT her dad. She contacted me this morning, her father thinks this song might be by a band called Battalion. But her father said Battalion also went by the name AAA, Anti Aircraft Assault (or Artillery) in their early days. According to her father AAA/Battalion were from Texas but at least 2 of their members were originally from Chicago. Has anyone ever heard of either Battalion or AAA, Anti Aircraft Assault? The closest I can say is my one supervisor at work mentioned a band Battle Battalion from Texas when he lived there."
Then someone replies to him: "you are right there is a band named Battalion formed in 1984" He says: "I cannot find a single piece of music from this particular "Battalion"? From what I could find they formed between 1983 and 1985, split, reformed under a few possible names, split, repeat. 2 people I asked did say they remember a band of some sort from "out west" Anti Aircraft A-something, but neither could give any info."
Now here, he suggests it could be a Talon song:
"So here's a potential lead for everyone: I was just playing this song for a friend who is obsessed with all metal music. She asked me "Where did you get that Talon song?" Talon was/is a German heavy metal band from the early 80's that released several demos and full on albums between '83-'89. Almost all of there songs were medieval themed, especially their 2 demos. Herr's the thing, they supposedly have 3 unnamed tracks from both demos, one allegedly called "King Slayer". I listened to a bunch of there songs and I have to say there are several songs where the singer sounds exactly like our mystery singer, but then the next song they sound nothing alike. There was one song called something like "Execution" that the opening guitar sounds like this songs opening only slower? I'm not saying it is Talon, but it is possibly something to look into or at least consider?"
He also claimed the singer sounds like Bruce Dickinson (which has been suggested many times):
"I've said many times that I personally feel this vocalist sounds extremely close to Bruce Dickinson. There is a clip of Bruce singing Tom Jones' "Delilah" on either a talk or game show, and his opening of that song is nearly identical to this Fall of the King vocals! Tone, tempo, cadence, pitch......it's really really on spot. I am NOT saying it is Bruce, I'm just saying whoever it is does a good job singing like him."
He says this song could be made by Eviscerator:
"Hello again everyone, has anyone ever heard of a band from Britain, late 70's through late 80's called "Eviscerator"? Very very long story short: I played this song at a Viking/Pagan/Neo-Folk/Black Metal "bar" about half a mile up the road from my place and the one patron who looked like Elvira and Lilith Bathory had a daughter together (HOT HOT HOT) comes over and asked me to replay it and she sang along with the recording with about %95 accuracy! Oddly, at the end after the 4 or 5 "The Fall of the King"s, she suddenly sang "The evil one now wears the crown, all hail the evil one" and head banged for a few moments. According to her, this song was by a band called "Eviscerator" and they always claimed this song was written as a pitch track for the movie Heavy Metal? I mentioned how this song by numerous accounts was recorded here in the USA in 86-87 from stations in Texas, Chicago, Cleveland, NYC and (by only one account) possibly Florida. She didn't feel there was an issue with that as stations will often play random things just to fill the spot including songs that are several years older. I asked about her added line at the end and she stated "I didn't add s*** bud, whoever recorded it must have cut it off before they got to it". I mentioned how numerous people strongly believe this is the work of Z'Rose, she said they probably covered it a bunch of times but it is not their song and even stated that this particular recording sounds like it could be them covering. She was more familiar with Z'Rose than me, she commented "The 3 Cavlaros brothers from Texas right? The singer was the oldest brother Jeff?" (I know that's not their name, i only included it for aunthenticity per context of our discussion, the last name is Cavazos and there was only 2 of them right?). She also told me Z'Rose had about a dozen other names through their years including "Gypsy Rose". I asked how she knew this British band "Eviscerator" and she answered that she lived in London from 78-85 and this song was played a lot on "amateur hour" on several stations, especially university stations. This kind of took me by surprise because i thought she looked younger than me (I'm 39) but she lived in England for college and her first husband in the late 70's??"
"In my last comments i mentioned a bar i went to was going to have a mini concert featuring bands that specialize in black metal and 80's tribute metal and i would play this song to see if any of the band peoples or concert goers would chime in. I did just that and got a few hits on the radar with a few of the band members. The one band, Inviaat, the singer says he remembers this song being played on a radio station in Philly PA for an entire summer because that station was trying to find the band. He does not remember the specific station but said it was near the Taylor University campus (my understanding is that there is several?) because the station thought it was the students from that university's music program. When i asked him when exactly that would have been he said Summer of 1983 because he was married on Halloween 1983 and was hoping the station would find the band so they could play at his wedding. A member from the local band "inductus Mortis" said he recalls that song being played "somewhere in the mid 80's" but does not remember if he heard it in Chicago or Cleveland because he bounced between them. I asked several bands, include the Venom tribute band Poisonous Whisper if anyone had ever heard of a band name Eviscerator from the 80's. Only one person thought he heard the name but it wasn't a band name it was a compilation album of NWOBHM from roughly '83-'84, but couldn't tell me anything other than that. As for the other concert goers, the #1 response i got from them was along the lines of "Dude you can sing, you should go pro!".....in other words they thought it was me promoting myself (I wish i could sing like that!!). the #2 response was people thought it was Manowar. After those 2 the guesses were the usual ones i have seen here and everywhere else this topic comes up: Blackmaine, Axis, Overkill, Overdrive, Black Sabath, Iron Maiden, Anthrax, Slayer, WitchAxe and 2 people even asked if it was an Ozzy Osbourne demo."
"I asked around, including my oldest sisters I've mentioned in my postings, about Eviscerator. The only person who heard of them, the one from this time-frame not the other 8 or 9 bands from the 2000's with that name, said they were a generic ManowaIron Maiden/Judas Priest tribute or more accurately, ripoff, band who sucked. I am not saying I buy this woman's account, but i'm also not discrediting it or calling her a liar. Her familiarity with this song and her accuracy with the lyrics makes me believe she knows this song from somewhere.....what that somewhere is, i can't comment because i don't know?"
"So far my friends and I have several "pings" to look into, the name Eviscerator has absolutely nothing from the time frame we're looking at. But there is (was?) a "Lee Lesaat" Canadian/British "mercenary" (did not belong to any band but would play for others) drummer who now lives in NYC my friends are looking into.
There is an 80's metal/black metal tribute concert this Saturday at the bar I was at last weekend. After the bands play their sets they have an open mic like set up where you can play your own music (as long as it fits the theme). I'm going to try and play this song and see if anyone, bands or crowd or food vendors etc, have any reaction.
And by "pings" I just mean responses/possible possible long shot leads. The guy or girl claiming to be a psychic vampire who time traveled and wrote this song for The Lost Boys movie is NOT going to be one of them😂"
Then someone asks: "What band is this Eviscerator ? I found a band that was formed in 2012 . Furthermore tthe song is not in the metal archives I searched through lyrics was not found." He says: "Allegedly they were in England in the 1980's, but the woman stated 2 of them had New York accents. If all of her account is true and accurate, they were NOT a professional big name band. I did find several bands with the title "Eviscerator" (in different variations) but all of them were from the 2000's. The only "pro" band with that title I could find was a Hungarian band from the mid 2000's. I asked Satanic lady if she remembered any of the other bands that played alongside "Eviscerator" and she only remembered 3: "Band-Shee" (an all female band....get it?) Gargoyle, and Werewolf Tears."
"I have a very very small update for everyone, but it's still an update nonetheless. The mystery succubus looking woman who said this song was by Eviscerator and sang along to it (even when I "accidentally" muted my phone to see if she was just repeating what she was hearing.....she was not) has been identified by my journalist friend! We are going to try and get in contact with her and see if there is anything else she can remember about "Eviscerator" that could help. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but her familiarity with this songs lyrics and the fact she sang almost in perfect synch with the beat makes me feel she really did know this song from somewhere in her past. That or she is a very good actress? Lol
I found only 1 solid, confirmed band with that name but they were from mid 2000's Hungary. But several peoples now and then tell me they remember hearing that name in the 80's as various things; crappy garage band, NWOHBM compilation album/work, some sort of event space or name, most recently someone claimed he thought it was the stage name of a singer but didn't know who or what band. I'm trying to get in touch with the woman who originally mentioned that name."
He posted this comment that lead nowhere: "2 very small updates for everyone:
1) The Viking/Pagan/Goth/Black Metal themed bar just around the corner from me is having a New Years event tomorrow night. They actually agree to give me a "booth" where i can have a "guess this song" set up. And, it will be right next to where the bands play...I'm going to be between the "stage" and the food truck lol
2) The one radio station i submitted this song to will play it on their "X hour" on 1/8/24. It is not a hugely popular segment, maybe a few hundred listeners, but it's better than nothing.
Here's to the New Year and hope this song and numerous others get solved!"
"So the station played this song Sunday night/Monday morning. They played it 4 times between 2:07am - 3:12am. They received 9 calls about it and about a dozen emails (I seriously didn't know they had an email!?!?!?). Unfortunately the majority of contacts were people either asking for them to replay it or people thinking it was Manowar. There were a few Iron Maidens and one or 2 Ozzy Osborne's. Only 2 people stated they heard this song before. Unfortunately they heard it from "some kilt wearing guy at blank bar plays it, I think it's him self promoting". Yes that's me they referenced and no it is not me singing lol"
He suggest matrixx as a possibility: "There's a band called matrixx that has been giving me interest. They were only around for two years due to financial struggles in their stage. If you look up attaxe and fiinal notice they share two members of matrixx. Their drummer and guitarist sound very similar to the band from this song. It's pretty crazy too because they have a song called defy the king. They also had a label to produce their songs which is called Suma Recording Studios. This may be the reason why the audio sounds too good for a small band. I hope that this is the band! Too many good clues that I found"
He debunks the Steven Lindfield lead: "One of the names thrown about here and there on posts about this song is a Steven Linfield ("Lindi") who bounced between Chicago and NYC in the 1980's. His alleged involvement varries between being the DJ who allegedly played it on a NYC station, to being a Chicago stations record manageclerk etc etc. I got in contact with him yesterday. He denies having ANYTHING to do with the airing of this song and does not know how or why his name came up. While he did work at 2 stations (NYC, then Chicago during the summer) he was an overnight watchman (security). However, he does recall this song being played on "some amateur hour crapshoot" in '86 in NYC a bunch of times. At that point in '86 he claims people were referencing it as "The King Song" or "The song of the King" (drawn out to match the singers "The Faaaalllll, the fall of the kiiiiiing") and it was already 2 or 3 years old at that time. He did explain that at least at the Chicago station there was an amateur drop-off slot that the dj's would pick through and play random "no namers" labeling them as "space filler". Because they would be played, literally just to fill space, they were NOT mandated to keep any records of them. Sometimes the dj's would just make up names to some of these. One of his main duties was to check the drop-off to make sure there were no bad things thrown in there instead of cassettes. Another dead end, but at least we rulled out one theory......silver lining??😂 LINDFIELD, not Linfield. Darn autocorrect on this phone."
He is convinced it's a professional band's demo: Thats why a lot people I have introduced to this song think it's a professional band, or at the extreme least an amateur band playing with top level equipment/sponsor? 1983 guy stated they sound like they have equipment his garage band "couldn't even afford to dream about looking at yet alone use". It's also one of the reasons my 2 oldest sisters insist this is a professional band (sister #1 says Manowar, #2 says Manowar or Sarissa) because there are no goofs or mistakes or errors. My sisters gave an example of a garage band from their Kutztown university days, "Freefall Abyss" that self released a demo and in one song you can hear a telephone ringing in the background and in another you can hear a fan or ac unit going.
He contacted a girl named Della: "This song was actually played on an old Philly/NJ station on the segment "Della names your tune" in 2009. I was able to get in contact with "Della" (real name withheld by her request) who at first stated "I played thousands of unnamed songs bud, I probably played this one 100 times, sorry i wont be much help" . Then a few days later replied "I do recall this one, it was sent in from a local listener who had it labeled as Dungeon Master or maybe Dragon Master on a CD with a bunch of old early Manowar, JudaPriest, Iron Maiden, Megadead, Metallica and AngelWitch songs. He or she claimed their father had this song on a tape from his college days. Nobody knew what or who it was back in '09 or '10 and as far as I know nobody figured it out when I left the program in '15." The only name she gave, and I don't know if this was even a real name or the drummers "stage name" was Leopald Lestat.........I do have 2 people looking into it (from a metal dating site of all places). Disclaimer: I know some of those bands are misspelled, I purposefully left it that way because that's how she sent it to me."
"I went down that road, you nailed it right on the head. There is no way to track down who that listener was. The only hint she had, in the form of the note attached to the CD was the person said they were from Radnor PA. I couldn't tell you because the other songs kind of bounce around in terms of year: there's a Judas Priest and an Angel Witch song both from 1980 but then there's a song from Megadeath (I believe Megadeath came out in '85?) and a Metallica song from '86? For some reason my one comment didn't show up? Della gave a pretty big hint, she said the mailing address on the CD was from Radnor PA, but the phone number included was a landline for a Chicago address. Her and the station managers assumed it was a "shadow number" and didn't bother keeping record of it. A lot of her requests had local addresses with out of state phone numbers, cellular and landline."
He suggests Dungeon Masters: "I have a potential lead, "Dungeon Masters" from Pittsburgh PA? Long story short: everyone at work talks about a "hot nerdy chick" who works at the one antique book store in town and she is a music genius and knows EVERY song people play. So i decided to test it. I played this song and she stated "I think thats Dungeon Masters, they were from my hometown of Pittsburgh PA back in the early to late 80's. Thats either Dungeon Masters or someone doing an incredible job imitating them?". Given that Cleveland is only a 2-3 hr drive from Pittsburgh (from what Steelers players say) i think this could be a possible lead and explain the Cleveland recording? Again, this is only a POSSIBLE lead, but i think it has potential?
Currently my one "source" is looking into it. He is not always accurate (as evidenced when we were looking into Conquest) but its better than nothing."
And someone adds this: "Della said the same Dungeon Masters so better look into it"
But he says this: "Close, "Della" stated the listener who sent in the CD had this song labeled as "Dungeon Master?", not a band name. But I am looking into it as best as I can. I found a Pittsburgh band "Dungeon" but they're NOT metal they're an Omnia/Faun like band (neo-folk I think is the term?) formed in 2018. I sent word out to the people I know and my "team". Now it is a waiting game."

I'm the same guy that posted that the Independent Order of Odd Fellows cemetery by Acker park was in disrepair and tried finding resources to help turn it around. Here's the link if anyone is interested. I'm still trying.
While walking through the cemetery I came across a gravestone marked "G.M. Robbins - The "End of the Trail" for "Yellowstone Pete" after 25,000 miles by mule train, may he rest in peace" and it got me interested in finding out more about the person. It turns out that Yellowstone Pete holds a place in Americana culture, and really did travel by mule train. There are several pictures linked here that have him, his wife, and mules. I'd love to hear more about him if anyone has more details.
Imgur album of photos I collected. The one that has "OH HOW WE HATE TO WORK" is a postcard that I ordered from Etsy while researching Yellowstone Pete.
There's even a poem about his only daughter.
Yellowstone Pete's Only Daughter was originally published in the book “Rhymes from a Round-up Camp, 1903, and written by Wallace David Coburn in 1894. The book of poetry has been published in 21 different editions. Coburn wrote the preface of the book in Malta, Montana.
Yes, this is the Milk River Valley,
And that's the old ranch that you see,
Where Yellowstone Pete lost his daughter,
The pride of the 7 U. P.
Was she pretty?-Well, stranger, your knowledge
Of these parts is shore incomplete,
When you ask such a comical question
'Bout the daughter of Yellowstone Pete.
Why, man! If the heavens were bluer,
And pansies were deeper in hue ,
They couldn't "size up" with her peepers,
Which shone like the spring poet's dew.
Her teeth were like snowdrops made whiter,
Her hair like the sealskin she wore,
Only softer and silkier and browner,
And she was true blue to the core.
Was old Yellowstone Pete's only daughter,
Whose voice was the envy of birds,
As she warbled at night to the long-horns,
Or when pointing her father's trail herds.
She was happy and good and as loving
As an angel could possibly be,
With always a smile and a greeting,
For tough old cow-punchers like me.
But what I was startin' to narrate,
Before you cut into the game,
Was a love affair she tangled up in,
And the tragical end of the same.
You see, she was borned in this country,
Her mother, a woman of gold,
Kissed her baby and lined out for Heaven,
When Beauty was seven days old.
The boys, you see, nicknamed her "Beauty,"
And each one, he fought for his turn
At feedin' her out of the bottle,
But dress her -- we never could learn.
So Pete he sent off for a nurse girl
And a teacher (not stunning for looks),
To give her the care of a woman,
And learn her the knowledge of books.
Thus Beauty grew up at the home ranch,
And learned how to shore ride and shoot,
Also play and sing on the pianer,
And to tie down a wild steer to boot.
And charming-- why, partner, the sunbeams
They scrapped for the sweets of her face,
And the alkali dust and the zephyrs
They jockeyed to get second place.
So was it a wonder young Dawson,
The son of a neighbor of Pete,
Lost his heart to this rose of the prairie,
And his love for her couldn't be beat?
“Buck"-- that was the handle he went by,
Had pre-empted some learnin' at school,
Was a handsome and big, manly feller,
And in a gun-fight was shore cool.
And there wasn't no man round the country,
Could ride with him down the Red Lane,
He could rope, fork, and ride with clean saddle
Any outlaw that ever wore mane.
They'd been youngsters and brought up together,
And Dawson was shorely dead game,
His father a wealthy old-timer,
All burdened with early-day fame.
Yes, Beauty loved "Buck," that was certain,
But a gal's ways are never foreseen,
And you can't tell what's liable to happen
Be-tween the betwixt and between.
So when a young feller from college
Comes a-romancin' like out this way,
Well, things looked a little promiscuous,
And there was the devil to pay.
Of course, he was welcomed by Beauty,
As the flowers are welcomed in May;
His college pin pleased her, I reckon,
And he had a girl-catchin' way.
But wait till I roll me a smoke, pard,
To filter my bad feelin's down,
Makes me wanter shore squander some powder
When I ponder on that sneakin' houn'.
Well, we was all out on the round-up,
When this college masher, you see,
Ran off with old Yellowstone's daughter,
The pride of the 7 U. P.
Now, old Pete he shore worshipped his daughter,
Loved her better than money or life,
For she was the pride of his old age--
The gift of his beautiful wife.
So he and young Dawson together,
With hearts like the lead in their guns,
Hit the trail of this college-bred villain,
And secured him before many suns.
The gal they found up in Butte City­-
He'd deserted her up there, you know;
But Dawson caught him near the border,
Where numerous cottonwoods grow.
And there, in the depths of the forest,
With the beasts and the birds lookin' on,
They fought to the death with their bowies,
Till the Eastern-bred feller was gone.
And Beauty-- she married "Buck" after,
But never seemed happy or gay,
Like the Beauty we'd worshipped from childhood,­-
She just drooped, shrunk, and withered away.
Yes, she paled like the flowers in summer,
And died with the leaves in the fall ;
And we buried her close to her mother,
While the sunshine went out of us all.
Poor old Pete, his hair white as the snowdrift,
And eyes that stare vacant and old,
Sits and sobs at the foot of two gravestones,
All alone, whether hot days or cold.
All alone? No, for Buck often joins him,
Grim and stern, with his face like a stone;
Never smiling nowdays like he used to,
When he tries he winds up with a moan.
No, the sun don't shine quite as it used to,
And the wind has a lonesomer sound,
As it sings soft and mournful in summer,
And howls when old winter comes round.
Here are the links to original photos:
https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/yellowstone-pete-passes-through-yellowstone-pete-news-photo/161995779
https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/rppc-goldie-marion-robbins-aka-1904877006
https://www.phillipscountynews.com/story/2016/09/14/news/yellowstone-petes-only-daughte4302.html
https://www.findagrave.com/memorial/52400720/goldie-marion-robbins/photo

Hello together, Since i need to get this stuff out of my mind i thought of posting my full story about my past Relationship with a Girl with BPD.
About me
24M we we're together for 2,5 years. Parents divorced when i was 8, after that our Home was never rly a Family again. Have 2 Sisters but no strong Bond to them. She was my first real girlfriend and definetly is my first true Love (6th class i had a "gf" for 8~weeks that started while she was in a relationship that she ended for me). I was a virgin before her, and only kissed my "first GF" before no other Woman. I also Had No other experience with woman and didnt knew anything rly about them (how they behave/whats normal/whats not) at all since i had very little contact to woman when i started to work at 16. I have a strong protective Instinct for Woman and i would consider myself overall a very caring and nice Person.
About her
25F, 4 Boyfriends before me (8months/3months/3years/10months) she cheated on the second with the first and Kissed a Guy at the end of the 3year one. Parents divorced at age 13. Very rough childhood. Father a narcisst, mother made her feel Like she never wanted her. She has a older sister but the Bond isnt strong. One of her other Family members and His wife&children kinda became her Foster Family, she Sees them more as parents, and These are her Trust persons. Now diagnosed with BPD, Depression,ptsd
This will probably be a longer Story so i put it in parts.
First Meeting
The first time i met her was at a small Party at a friends house, one of my friends girlfriend knew her and warned me about her. She went through a breakup phase at the moment and they knew that she had Tinder at the moment and had slept with some Guys. This night she was flirting with someone Out of my town which later resulted in them becoming a couple.
Her Last relationship before me It lasted about 10months. It was her 4th, and the Guy never Had a Longtime relationship but a like 3/4shorter ones <1year. Since they belonged to the same friendcircle as me i noticed alot about it. It was destined to fail. He was on worktrips Monday-Friday (Army) so they only rly met in the weekends. They argued very much even in the beginning. U could see that neither of them we're rly happy in it. Personaly i dont rly like this guy since i dont like his charakter and the way he behaves sometimes.
How it started
At the end of her last relationship they moved together to my town (her ex also lived there) and they we're always at the same smaller meetups/partys as i was (only our friendcircle) with like 5-8ppl at most. One night He left earlier and she wanted to stay. This night she got a message from her father that she is not her daughter anymore since she moved out of her old apartment where he was the landlord. Due to coincidence i wanted to Go to toilet and saw her crying down the street, went to her and comforted and hugged her. Next days she thanked me for taking the time via wa(WhatsApp). The next week again there was a Party and again her Bf left earlier and she stayed. This time we we're the Last people and host closed it, WE then talked for about 3hours about her situation with her Family/ dad since i could understand it, her BF at the time Not. Also i hugged her from time to time when she was crying. Next week also the same, she stayed Bf left and she touched my Leg and Rubbed her feet against mine after he left, we also talked alot that night again after Party was closed. Couple days later she thanked me and said her Bf doesnt understand her, doesnt Take time for her problems, i Just wanted to help her and make her feel better, No romantic interest at that Point. Due to her issues we then went to for a Walk nearly everyday in the night to Talk about it. On the first Walk she literally told me about anything (Family&Friends/past relationship/ her Sex Life, with how many Guys she slept (8 at the time) and her Tinder Phase i got told about before (8 at the time)and that she isnt sexually satisfied in her relationship and never was before-outside of a ONS when she was single) All this caught me offguard since i was Virgin and never had a girl spoke to me about such things. Later we went to her place and talked more, i noticed her make me compliments all the time but i Just kinda ignored it. She then Fell asleep on my lap and i waked her Up after 10min and went home. We then went to meetup to Walk nearly everyday at the weekdays, and we fell in Love during that. But she Lied to her Bf Sometime(Not everytime) this went for Like 2/3weeks. After some time she told me she wants to leave her Bf and we cuddled Sometimes a little bit but no touching private parts more Like leaning against another (i then didnt realised that we we're cuddling). We also talked about a Future together and how we build a House and have Kids and stuff. I didnt feel Bad since her Bf treated her very poorly and never was caring or Loving for her. She then left him, and couple days later we Kissed and i was Always at her place but so that No one can notice (but people realised there is Something Off and that there something between us). During relationship she then told me that she wouldve betrayed her ex with me if i took the signals right (Like i noticed) but to my bad i didnt realised what that rly means.
The relationship
Finally i had a gf i couldnt believe it. But we kept it Hidden for 3months~ then Made it official, i then moved into her Apartment (she kept it) since i was living at parents since then. We never argued in the first 6months(!) it was just perfect. We had so much fun we enjoyed every minute and did Chat allday when Not together. I Had what i always thought what real love is. She was my best Friends and the only Person to ever give me this warm Feeling of being Loved&wanted&needed&cared for and i never trusted a Person Like her. Also the Sex did workout for her, i was the first Guy who cared for her wants and needs and she told me she never had this good Sex before and that she had her First orgasm (ngl i am also a bit over average in size but i only knew that once we bought condoms). Everything seemed Like it could Last forever she always talked about marriage, we talked about problems, we're always nice&Kind&Loving to each other and i thought well maybe i am one of the lucky people to find his wife at the first try. But after 6-8months the Sex life changed, it was still very good but only every 3-5weeks or when she was drunk (i have a high Libido). She told me before she has no high Sex Drive and had one year No Sex in the 3year relationship but that we have so few Sex now maybe a phase. So i thought ok i am Not Happy with it now but maybe it Changes and we still have Sex Sometimes and the Sex is still very good for both of us, i Made her like things before she didnt like (fingering) and we found Out some more Things she liked but has never tried/ the other did seemingly Not to her liking. But this Phase continued for the whole relationship, we never again had sex more often then every 3-5weeks outside for Like 3/4times. This put a big toll on me since for me it was very important, also she at some Point did Not Care for my needs and wouldnt do anything for me (only every 8-12weeks or so she would do give me a BJ or HJ) in bed only when she wanted Sex, also Sometimes she couldnt kiss me and tilted her head away, and often wanted it to end fast Out of nowhere. This was my only Problem and the reason i waited with marriage since every other aspect was rly fine. Only i was very Jealous since she chatted with some Guys (actually only friendship) and with on of our Friends He also came over in her want but WE only played cards or so, i asked her If there was Something but she said no and i trusted her. Also she said she isnt interest in other guys and could never have an open relationship.. Also during the relationship she Always said she feared me leaving her and never would she leave me, and that she needs me in her life, that she was never so happy on all areas and that she doesnt understand how a Guy Like me who in her eyes is so perfect would Chose her.And how i always felt when Something was off and comforted her and how i am the most understanding amd empathic Person she ever met.And that she wants to marry me so bad, and that we together could conquer the world and do everything and clear every problem we have. This always gave me the confidence i needed in my life and i thought what should she wants from other Guys, she Had 4 Bad relationships and i am giving it my all so why think to much of it.
When BPD fully appeared / Breakup
Last OctobeNovember she started to have mental problems and went to weekly therapy. Thats when it all started. Her mental health became worse and worse, i tried everything i could, spoke with her all the time, tried to fix things tried to Bring Up solutions but nothing worked (Till the end of the relationship). But it only got worse. She Had suicidal thoughts, inner emtyness, started to distance herself from me, pushed me away. Didnt wanna spend time with me, wanted less and less to have physical interaction. Also in this time she talked A LOT to one of her Guy Friends who also Had Depression, and i mean a Lot. They chatted allday, Had Phone calls, and she hold her Phone away when i sat next to her when she chatted with him, but she told me i can Always See The Chat If i wanted to. They did never meetup tho, and i asked her If she Had feelings for him and she said now but that she Just wants to Talk to someone who isnt involved in her private life and i trusted that, but i was still very Jealous. Since why Not speak to me when she always could. When it was clear she has BPD she went into a 6week therapy to learn how to Deal with her suicidal thoughts etc. Later i realised where all Here Sometimes weird behavior (pushing me away/more Guy Friends/distancing/Moments where she would yell at me for no reason but 5minutes later came to say sry and her having problems to have Sex with because of the fear of emotion Connection and all the other stuff) came from since i informed myself alot about bpd. But before that we had alot of Talks how this should Work Out again since i felt she was falling for another Guy Just Like Back then with me, and i Said to her if we wont have more physical contact Like Kissing and Sex, that this wont Work Out in the longterm. But i always said i give u the time u need, i give u the time u want, together we can fix this youre never alone aslong as U have me. 1 Week later she said she Had lost feelings for me and that she wants to breakup and WE kinda did breakup there, but that she has no feelings for other and Just wants to go through this alone, but also that she constantly thinks about haveing Sexting and Sex with other Guys, Guys she has no feelings for, she can dump any Second, without having responsibilities, without the emotional Connection that was her Most important part. This was the moment i broke. I thought since she finally was satisfied she wouldnt want other Guys.. Never could i have a poly relationship. I only wanted her and i Made that clear the whole relationship even tho we Had a little Sex. I Said to her that i couldnt do this and she said she doesnt know If she rly wants it and so on. We talked for days about how to solve IT and what to do but came to the conclusion that she wants to put it ON ICE for a while,and that her Body and mind doesnt want to be touched from me but that she will install Dating apps soon... But also she changed her mind daily in nearly everything.. I thought that i broke the circle that i managed to Change he to make her feel better finally, since i was someone who gives everything for her, who Loves her for who she is, who Cares for her Like No other, she told me that she was never this satisfied, she never Had so good Sex, she never was this happy,she wanted Kids in her life but only with me she knew she want them, she said i am the right guy at the wrong time... Her Family Made clear that they want me to be her Future husband, all of them Loved me and her Friends too. During the therapy i visited her&brought her presents, Things to get her mind Off from the Situation, Pictures of us&her and her Friends&Family and everything was fine Like nothing happened. But when we chatted she didnt want to Chat, but on the Weekend we alone spent the whole time together, cuddled, but No Kissing or Sex. She Always said lets give it our all after the 6weeks and rly Work on it but i need time for me now and i respected it. But it all changed after 2 weeks she didnt want to me to visit or to Chat with me or to have Phone calls, but i knew she was on her phone the whole day.. But still she wanted to visit me in the weekends. In the 3rd week tho she said i comfort her when i am there but that she feels good without me and that the feelings are gone. Some Part of me died that moment. So we finally fully clearly broke up. We both cried alot and talked about it but there was No helping it.
After Breakup
We still have contact since her Cats& stuff is still at our Apartment, but she will get a new Apartment soon and the all of IT will be Out and i can start to fully heal. Also since we we're both active in the Association we Met Last Week, and she was crying all the time so i spoke to her, since i still Love her.. She told she wants to go back to therapy since she has again all time suicidal thoughts and does Cut herself now and in therapy/clinic she feels safe. I comforted and hugged her since she was crying all the time. I asked her how she feels and what therapy she will do in future and we chatted for over an hour that i started questions that we're on my mind since a while If she cheated on me during relationship she Said No and i asked If she slept with other Guys after Breakup and she said yes.. 2 guys since and the first 1week after the breakup... And i asked If it felt good and she said that it felt very good and that she doesnt regret it.. I never felt so betrayed And Hurt i hoped that with all the Love she Had for me she could avoid doing that Just to feel good for 5minutes.. And that she did it to forget me. And she told me it since she cant lie to me and that she still has some feelings for me.. and that she Said that i know her better then she knows herself... I got so angry at that moment but Not at her at the Guy that it felt good with..(i dont know who He is and its better that way) But now i know that she will never have healthy relationship aslong as she doesnt get her Shit together, and Deals with her mental illness, she Said she wont have a relationship again aslong as she doesnt has it fixed and i Hope so for her. She Said herself she knows she will never find a Guy like me again and that she rly was never this happy in Life like with me and that never has a breakup Hurt her so much and that she never Had so strong feelings for someone and that she is very sorry it had to end this way and that she wished different but that she thanks for me for everything i have done for her.
Conclusion
I am absolutely broken my self confidence is at 0, but still i am not angry at her but very very disappointed that she gave It all Up. It was true Love from my Side and maybe to some degree from hers. BPD build Up and destroyed the relationship. But it was the best time of my and her Life. If she wouldnt have sleeped with other Guys DIRECTLY after breakup Things couldve ended differently but now i know that i will never be together or maybe even talk with the women i truly Loved with all my Heart, the Woman that Made me feel like No other, the Person i had so much fun with and could Talk about anything, the Woman with the sweetest Smile and the cutest laugh, but also the woman that didnt respect my boundaries and that Kills me. But i Said to her If she would do that its over, she did and didnt regret it. She will regret it one day i am 100% sure but then i will Not comeback. Its a shame what this illness does to people. Now i am left with a co dependency, the thought i can never Trust a Person this much or the words the say due to my Trust getting crushed once more, and the Feeling i can never Invest so much Love in a relationship again, and that i will just get the Same treatment. But still i am not a Bit angry at her funny isnt it.
Last words
To all of you out there who are living through the same shit, u have to think what you really want and what your boundaries are and set them clearly. I wish for u that it not has to end like in my Situation. Feel hugged 🫂! U are great people dont let your self confidence get crushed by them.

Hi
So i (M32) recently met an old friend (F36) and colleague of mine, since 12 years back. We have always been good and very close friends, that have supported each other through the roughest and worst times. Even helped each other through crises we've had with our exes.
We finally met for a drink at a restaurant when i was on a visit another friend of mine. Since that day, which is about 2,5 months ago, we've been struck by love. We just both felt that twin flame-thing, or that we belong to each other in a soul-form of way.
We got so up in each other and things went too fast, so we had no idea about our recent past. Things just got out of hand and we got mad at each other, and ended up leaving the relationship.
Now i want to repair it, both as friends but also the partnership. Is it possible to do? Or is it too complex to get together again?
I know she loves me, and i love her. In many ways, i would say every way possible. We said stupid things to each other that didn't mean anything, but she still talks about that. Should i give her time and space for it?
I also had old textmessages and emails from my ex that she reacted on, but that was before we two got along and started something. So she got jealous in things that she never was involved in.
I want some tips from you guys how to move on. Should i build a plan for how we can get together for her, and present it?
She wants us to cut our connection for now. Not forever, but just for a while. Could that make it worse, or is it possible that it makes it better in the end?
I don't know what to do, and i can't ask any of my friends either. It's just too personal, and odd in a way that no one else understands. Because of the friendship we had before. And it hurts me even more, because it's so much more than just a girlfriend to me. I need your advice and help to get my hope up again, i'm really beaten down as f*ck because of all this. It could be my worst period in life, ever. I've never had such anxiety before.

Hello,
I'd like some fair exchange for those, i'm willing to put more than one game against a game i really want, depends on the offer. I could accept Paypal, but that's not my goal (just getting games i'd like to play). I might want to keep something in those lists, i also have some other Humble and Fanatical games i'm not sure i'll play, so they might appear one day (could be money for an exchange if you have something from my wishlist, don't hesitate to ask). I'm from Europe, that might matter for Keys or gift links. Also, i have many games now, and a lot to do yet, so i might be very picky, even for games on my wishlist (it's more a list for interesting games, that i might want in an undetermined future if i have time).
(HB Unrevealed Key = i have it still unrevealed, but will provide a key, considering the Humble view on trading games)
For people living in France, i also have some old games in boxes that i can send by post, ask me if interested.
My IGSRep page
My SGSFlair page
My GameTrade page
My Barter (come to Barter, it's so much better !)
My SteamTrade
*** I have Amazon Prime, so i already have the games that drop there ***
*** Please tell me what you're interested in in my list and don't just drop yours ***

1/2 Red Riding Hood (DIG Key)
112 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
911 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
A.D.M (Angels,Demons And Men) (DIG Key)
Adventure Time: Pirates of the Enchiridion (HB Unrevealed Key)
Alien Cat 2 (Indiegala Key)
Arata Haunted Asylum (DIG Key)
Arcade Paradise (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Army Men RTS (HB Unrevealed Key)
Autonauts vs Piratebots (HB Unrevealed Key)
Baba Is You (HB Unrevealed Key) (GOOD offers only)
BOMBERX (DIG Key)
Calico (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Cargo Transportation: Low Poly (Indiegala Key)
City Siege: Faction Island (Indiegala Key)
Click and Slay (Fanatical Key)
Codename Ghost Hunt (DIG Key)
Cold Cable: Lifeshift (DIG Key)
Combat Tested (Fanatical Key)
Conflict Area (DIG Key)
Conflict Area (Indiegala Key)
Crazy Sapper 3D (Indiegala Key)
Creatures Inc. (Indiegala Key)
Cube Shifter (DIG Key)
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC (HB Unrevealed Key)
Dark Forest (Indiegala Key)
Destroyer: The U-Boat Hunter (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (Indiegala Key)
Dezinsector (Indiegala Key)
Doodle Derby (HB Unrevealed Key)
DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: Hail to the Icons Parody Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: The Doctor Who Cloned Me (HB Unrevealed Key)
Endless Void (DIG Key)
EnHanced (DIG Key)
Euler Wars (DIG Key)
Excive A-1000 (Indiegala Key)
Fear Of Mine (Indiegala Key)
Fishermurs (Indiegala Key)
Flyist (DIG Key)
Forep Man (DIG Key)
Frick, Inc. (HB Unrevealed Key)
GAI Stops Auto: Right Version (Indiegala Key)
GALAXIUM (DIG Key)
GOD's DEATH (DIG Key)
Gravityball/Space Hockey (DIG Key)
HOGuru Presents: The House With Too Many Zombies In It (DIG Key)
Il Sole e la Luna (DIG Key)
GameGuru (HB Unrevealed Key)
Hack 'n' Slash (HB Unrevealed Key)
HoloSprint (DIG Key)
Hotel Transylvania 3: Monsters Overboard (HB Unrevealed Key)
Incandescent (DIG Key)
Intelligence (Indiegala Key)
Izmir: An Independence Simulator (HB Unrevealed Key)
Jumanji: The Video Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Legendary Eleven (DIG Key)
LifeZ - Survival (DIG Key)
Lord of the Click 3 (Indiegala Key)
L.S.S II (DIG Key)
Lust from Beyond: M Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mechs & Mercs: Black Talons (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Meeple Station (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mello Haunted House (DIG Key)
Minute of Islands (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
MirrorMoon EP (HB Unrevealed Key)
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes (HB Unrevealed Key)
NAVALNY: A Nightmare of Corrupt (DIG Key)
NeverSynth (Indiegala Key)
NIGHT FALLEN (DIG Key)
Oracle Trials (DIG Key)
Orbital Racer (HB Unrevealed Key)
Patriots: Back to Civilization (DIG Key)
Paw Patrol: On A Roll (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Planet TD (HB Unrevealed Key)
POBEDA (Indiegala Key)
Quantum Replica (Fanatical Key) x2
Raccoon: The Orc Invasion (DIG Key)
Railroad Tycoon 3 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Rogue Bots (DIG Key)
Shiba Army (DIG Key)
Sid Meier's Railroads! (HB Unrevealed Key)
Sit on bottle (Indiegala Key)
Slime Up (DIG Key)
Snowboard (DIG Key)
Soul Grabber (DIG Key)
Soulstice (HB Unrevealed Key)
SPACE ACCIDENT (Indiegala Key)
Space BloX (DIG Key)
Spider-Robots War (Indiegala Key)
Stacking (HB Unrevealed Key)
Starlight Alliance (DIG Key)
StarCrossed (HB Unrevealed Key)
Steel Vampire (Indiegala Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection (HB Unrevealed Key)
Supreme Ruler Cold War (Fanatical Key)
Swag and Sorcery (HB Unrevealed Key)
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon (Fanatical Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Telefrag VR (HB Unrevealed Key)
Teleglitch: Die More Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Big SokoBang (DIG Key)
The Detective Chapters: Part One (DIG Key)
The Inner World (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Invisible Hand (HB Unrevealed Key)
THE KING OF FIGHTERS XIV STEAM EDITION (Fanatical Key) (GOOD offers only)
The Orphan A Tale of An Errant Ghost - Hidden Object Game (DIG Key)
Ticket to Ride (HB Unrevealed Key)
Time Lock VR 2 (Indiegala Key)
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt (HB Unrevealed Key)
Tricone Lab (Indiegala Key)
Tristoy (Steam Gift)
Turbo Golf Racing (HB Unrevealed Key)
Vampire Survivors (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Waves of the Atlantide (DIG Key)
Weapons Genius (Indiegala Key)
Win The Diamond (DIG Key)
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Yet Another Hero Story (Indiegala Key)
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 2 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Zack 2: Celeste's Map (Indiegala Key)
Zen Cube (DIG Key)
Zibbs - Alien Survival (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Claus (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Wars (DIG Key)

Removed / Banned / Delisted / Purchase Disabled games :

• Afterfall Insanity Extended Edition
• Archery Practice VR
• Be King
• Beast Boxing Turbo
• Betrayer
• Blackwater Bayou VR
• Cloud Chamber
• Defenders of Ardania
• Depths of Fear :: Knossos
• Dollar Dash
• Droplitz
• eXceed - Gun Bullet Children
• Grind Zones
• Leviathan: Warships
• Magicka: Wizards of the Square Tablet
• On The Path
• Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
• Quadrant M4
• Quixzel Rush: Pumpkin Bash
• Quixzel Rush: Tooth Protector
• Run Away
• Shadows: Price For Our Sins Bonus Edition
• Sine Mora + Ex
• Space Rangers
• Spaceguy 2
• Star Shield Down
• Trials of The Illuminati: Animated Christmas Time Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Assorted Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Snack Time Jigsaw Puzzles
• Trials of The Illuminati: Women of Beauty Jigsaws
• Two Brothers
• World War 1 Centennial Edition
• ZombieRush

Challenges, Lootboy, second hand, might have some dupes in it (also might not be up to date) => i can exchange them for games but also for trading cards, based on grey market value Vs trading cards market value :

• A Game of Dwarves
• A New Beginning - Final Cut
• A New Beginning
• A Valley Without Wind
• Abandon Ship
• Alien Spidy
• Aliens versus Predator Classic 2000
• Angvik
• Animals
• Anna - Extended Edition
• AquaNox
• Ashes of the Singularity: Escalation
• Astervoid 2000 Soundtrack
• Aura: Fate of the Ages
• Avencast
• Bad Rats
• Bang Bang Racing
• Beat Hazard
• Beat Hazard Complete
• Bionic Heart 2 - Deluxe Edition
• Bionic Heart
• BlazeRush
• CAPSULE
• Car Mechanic Simulator 2014
• Cargo! - The quest for gravity
• Ceville
• Commander: Conquest of the Americas
• Commandos 3: Destination Berlin
• Contagion
• Crash Time 3
• Dangerous platform
• Dark Fall: Lost Souls
• Dark Fear
• Darwinia
• Darwinia Soundtrack
• Dead Hungry Diner
• Deadly 30
• Deep Dungeons of Doom
• Demigod
• Deponia
• DESOLATE
• Disciples II: Galleans Return
• Disciples II: Rise of the Elves
• Dragon Blast DLC
• Driftmoon
• Drop Hunt - Adventure Puzzle
• Dungeons - The Dark Lord
• El Matador
• Escape From Russia: Mobilization
• Europa Universalis III Chronicles
• Fated Souls 3
• Fester Mudd - Episode 1
• Figment
• Final Slam 2
• Finding Teddy
• Flatout
• Flower Shop: Summer In Fairbrook
• Galactic Civilizations I: Ultimate Edition
• Ghost Master
• Girlfriend Rescue
• Going Under
• Grand Ages Rome Gold
• Grav Blazer
• Greed: Black Border
• Grotesque Tactics 2
• Grotesque Tactics: Evil Heroes
• Hacker Evolution Source Code
• Hail To The King
• Hard Reset Extended Edition
• Heileen 2: The Hands Of Fate
• Hell Let Loose - Hot Drop (DLC)
• Hero by Chance
• Holy Avatar vs. Maidens of the Dead
• Home
• Huntsman: The Orphanage
• Imperial Glory
• inMomentum
• Ion Assault
• Just Ignore Them
• Kalaban
• KAMI
• Kingdom Wars 4 - The Plague: Kingdom Wars
• Knights of Honor
• Konung 2
• Konung 3
• Labyrinthine Dreams
• LEAVES - The Return
• Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards: Reloaded
• LYNE
• M.U.D. TV
• Majesty 2
• Mata Hari
• Maverta Island
• Megabyte Punch
• Memory Booster
• Men of War: Assault Squad GOTY
• Mind: Path to Thalamus
• Miner Wars 2081
• Mini Motor Racing
• Molecular Warfare
• Multiwinia
• NASCAR Heat Evolution
• Night Wanderings
• Norega Barracks + Academy DLC
• Oil Rush Bundle
• One Finger Death Punch 2
• Onikira - Demon Killer
• Overcast - Walden and the Werewolf
• Patrician IV
• Patrician IV Gold
• Perimeter
• Pixel Heroes: Byte & Magic
• PixelJunk Monsters Ultimate
• Planets Under Attack
• Plush
• Poof
• Praetorians
• Primal Carnage
• Purgatory: War of the Damned
• Puzzle Art: Cats
• Puzzle Kingdoms
• Quell
• Quell Memento
• Quell Reflect
• R.I.P.D.: The Game
• Race! Beauty! Bugs!
• Razor2: Hidden Skies
• Red Faction Guerrilla Re-Mars-tered + Armageddon Bundle With DLC (Nordic D)
• Red Johnson's Chronicles - 1+2
• Reign: Conflict of Nations
• Rig N Roll
• Rise of Flight: Channel Battles Edition
• Sacred Gold
• Save the Dodos
• Self Shot
• Sex Chess
• Shadowgrounds Survivor
• Shannon Tweed's Attack Of The Groupies
• Skara - Starter Pack
• Skeleton Troubles
• Sky Mercenaries
• Smalles Class DLC
• Soulcraft
• Space Empires V
• Space Pilgrim Academy: Year 3
• Spirited Heart Deluxe
• Square's Route
• Star Ruler
• Steel Storm
• Stellar Interface
• Stoirs VR
• Stunt Hill
• Swamp Jump
• Sweet Lilly Dreams
• Switch Galaxy Ultra
• Switch Galaxy Ultra Charity Pack 1
• Tennis Manager 2021
• The Deed II
• The End of Labyronia: Nerubis
• The God's Chain
• The King's Heroes
• The Old City: Leviathan
• Theatre of War 2: Africa 1943
• Theatre of War
• Theatre of War: 3 - Korea
• Theatre of War: Centauro
• Theatre of War: Kursk + Caen
• Toby: The Secret Mine
• Trainz Simulator 12 - Coronation Scot DLC
• Tropico 3
• Tropico 4
• Trulon: The Shadow Engine
• Turba
• UFO Afterlight
• Ultimate Soldier
• Undefeated
• Uplink
• Us and them
• Valnir Rok
• Vault Cracker
• Vegas: Make It Big
• Velvet Assassin
• Vessel
• Victory: The Age of Racing - Steam Founder Pack
• Warriors' Wrath
• Wasteland Angel
• Who's that Flying
• Windforge
• Zombie Pirates
• Zombie Shooter

Consoles (from IGN) :
Backfirewall_ (XBox) Home Sheep Home: Farmageddon Party Edition (XBox)
Enclave HD (Nintendo Switch America Region)

Wayfinder Early Access on PS5

Wishlist :
Various offers welcome, i'll browse lists, and most wanted are (not always up to date) :

• 9 Years of Shadows
• A Plague Tale: Requiem
• ABRISS
• Achilles: Legends Untold
• AFTERLIFE: KILLING DEATH
• ALTF4
• Axiom Verge
• Axiom Verge 2
• Battletoads
• Bendy and the Ink Machine
• BERSERK and the Band of the Hawk
• Blade of Darkness
• Blasphemous 2
• Bleak Faith: Forsaken
• Boneraiser Minions
• Bud Spencer & Terence Hill - Slaps And Beans 2
• CARRION
• Choo-Choo Charles
• Cookie Cutter
• Cuphead
• Deadlink
• Double Dragon Gaiden: Rise of the Dragons
• Dread Delusion
• Dread X Collection: The Hunt
• ELDEN RING
• Enter / Exit the Gungeon
• Gearshifters
• GetsuFumaDen: Undying Moon Delux
• Ghost Song
• Good Knight
• GRAVEN
• GTFO
• Hand of Fate 2
• Hands of Necromancy
• Hidden Deep
• High On Life
• HYPERVIOLENT
• Impaler
• Just King
• LEGO® Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
• Loot River
• Lost in Random
• Lost Ruins
• Madshot
• Mago
• Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy
• Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord
• New Tales from the Borderlands
• Noita
• Piko Interactive LLC various oldies
• Prince of Persia (various)
• Project Warlock II
• Prototype 1 and 2
• Resident Evil 4 (New)
• River City Girls 2
• River City Girls Zero
• River City Melee : Battle Royal Special
• River City Melee Mach!!
• River City: Rival Showdown
• River City Saga: Three Kingdoms
• Rogue: Genesia
• Seasons after Fall
• Sir Whoopass
• STASIS: BONE TOTEM
• Super Catboy
• The Knight Witch
• The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
• Trine 5: A Clockwork Conspiracy
• Ultratron
• ULTRAKILL
• UNSIGHTED
• Void Scrappers
• Warhammer 40,000: Darktide
• Warhammer 40,000: Shootas, Blood & Teef
• Windbound

DLCs : * The Surge The Good, the Bad and the Augmented DLC * Vermintide 2 DLCs : Warrior Priest Career - Sister of the Thorn * Borderlands 3 Season Pass 2 * Rocksmith DLCs * Lego Season Passes (Jurassic World - Marvel Super Heroes - Movie - Hobbit - Incredibles - Worlds) * Dead by Daylight DLCs (A Nightmare on Elm Street - Ash vs Evil Dead - Chains of Hate - Charity Case - Curtain Call - Ghost Face - Headcase - LEATHERFACE - Resident Evil Chapter - Stranger Things Chapter - The Bloodstained Sack - The Halloween Chapter - The Saw Chapter - Sadako Rising Chapter - Forged in Fog - Resident Evil: PROJECT W) * Resident Evil Village Winters Expansion * Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty * Saints Row - Expansion Pass * Rain World: Downpour
See here for the rest of my wishlist.
Compare2Steam
+ offers, i'll browse lists, and eventually take Paypal, but i'm more interested in Paypal & TF2, but i'm more interested in games trades

Hello,
I'd like some fair exchange for those, i'm willing to put more than one game against a game i really want, depends on the offer. I could accept Paypal, but that's not my goal (just getting games i'd like to play). I might want to keep something in those lists, i also have some other Humble and Fanatical games i'm not sure i'll play, so they might appear one day (could be money for an exchange if you have something from my wishlist, don't hesitate to ask). I'm from Europe, that might matter for Keys or gift links. Also, i have many games now, and a lot to do yet, so i might be very picky, even for games on my wishlist (it's more a list for interesting games, that i might want in an undetermined future if i have time).
(HB Unrevealed Key = i have it still unrevealed, but will provide a key, considering the Humble view on trading games)
For people living in France, i also have some old games in boxes that i can send by post, ask me if interested.
My IGSRep page
My SGSFlair page
My GameTrade page
My Barter (come to Barter, it's so much better !)
My SteamTrade
*** I have Amazon Prime, so i already have the games that drop there ***
*** Please tell me what you're interested in in my list and don't just drop yours ***

1/2 Red Riding Hood (DIG Key)
112 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
911 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
A.D.M (Angels,Demons And Men) (DIG Key)
Adventure Time: Pirates of the Enchiridion (HB Unrevealed Key)
Alien Cat 2 (Indiegala Key)
Arata Haunted Asylum (DIG Key)
Arcade Paradise (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Army Men RTS (HB Unrevealed Key)
Autonauts vs Piratebots (HB Unrevealed Key)
Baba Is You (HB Unrevealed Key) (GOOD offers only)
BOMBERX (DIG Key)
Calico (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Cargo Transportation: Low Poly (Indiegala Key)
City Siege: Faction Island (Indiegala Key)
Click and Slay (Fanatical Key)
Codename Ghost Hunt (DIG Key)
Cold Cable: Lifeshift (DIG Key)
Combat Tested (Fanatical Key)
Conflict Area (DIG Key)
Conflict Area (Indiegala Key)
Crazy Sapper 3D (Indiegala Key)
Creatures Inc. (Indiegala Key)
Cube Shifter (DIG Key)
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC (HB Unrevealed Key)
Dark Forest (Indiegala Key)
Destroyer: The U-Boat Hunter (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (Indiegala Key)
Dezinsector (Indiegala Key)
Doodle Derby (HB Unrevealed Key)
DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: Hail to the Icons Parody Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: The Doctor Who Cloned Me (HB Unrevealed Key)
Endless Void (DIG Key)
EnHanced (DIG Key)
Euler Wars (DIG Key)
Excive A-1000 (Indiegala Key)
Fear Of Mine (Indiegala Key)
Fishermurs (Indiegala Key)
Flyist (DIG Key)
Forep Man (DIG Key)
Frick, Inc. (HB Unrevealed Key)
GAI Stops Auto: Right Version (Indiegala Key)
GALAXIUM (DIG Key)
GOD's DEATH (DIG Key)
Gravityball/Space Hockey (DIG Key)
HOGuru Presents: The House With Too Many Zombies In It (DIG Key)
Il Sole e la Luna (DIG Key)
GameGuru (HB Unrevealed Key)
Hack 'n' Slash (HB Unrevealed Key)
HoloSprint (DIG Key)
Hotel Transylvania 3: Monsters Overboard (HB Unrevealed Key)
Incandescent (DIG Key)
Intelligence (Indiegala Key)
Izmir: An Independence Simulator (HB Unrevealed Key)
Jumanji: The Video Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Legendary Eleven (DIG Key)
LifeZ - Survival (DIG Key)
Lord of the Click 3 (Indiegala Key)
L.S.S II (DIG Key)
Lust from Beyond: M Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mechs & Mercs: Black Talons (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Meeple Station (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mello Haunted House (DIG Key)
Minute of Islands (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
MirrorMoon EP (HB Unrevealed Key)
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes (HB Unrevealed Key)
NAVALNY: A Nightmare of Corrupt (DIG Key)
NeverSynth (Indiegala Key)
NIGHT FALLEN (DIG Key)
Oracle Trials (DIG Key)
Orbital Racer (HB Unrevealed Key)
Patriots: Back to Civilization (DIG Key)
Paw Patrol: On A Roll (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Planet TD (HB Unrevealed Key)
POBEDA (Indiegala Key)
Quantum Replica (Fanatical Key) x2
Raccoon: The Orc Invasion (DIG Key)
Railroad Tycoon 3 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Rogue Bots (DIG Key)
Shiba Army (DIG Key)
Sid Meier's Railroads! (HB Unrevealed Key)
Sit on bottle (Indiegala Key)
Slime Up (DIG Key)
Snowboard (DIG Key)
Soul Grabber (DIG Key)
Soulstice (HB Unrevealed Key)
SPACE ACCIDENT (Indiegala Key)
Space BloX (DIG Key)
Spider-Robots War (Indiegala Key)
Stacking (HB Unrevealed Key)
Starlight Alliance (DIG Key)
StarCrossed (HB Unrevealed Key)
Steel Vampire (Indiegala Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection (HB Unrevealed Key)
Supreme Ruler Cold War (Fanatical Key)
Swag and Sorcery (HB Unrevealed Key)
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon (Fanatical Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Telefrag VR (HB Unrevealed Key)
Teleglitch: Die More Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Big SokoBang (DIG Key)
The Detective Chapters: Part One (DIG Key)
The Inner World (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Invisible Hand (HB Unrevealed Key)
THE KING OF FIGHTERS XIV STEAM EDITION (Fanatical Key) (GOOD offers only)
The Orphan A Tale of An Errant Ghost - Hidden Object Game (DIG Key)
Ticket to Ride (HB Unrevealed Key)
Time Lock VR 2 (Indiegala Key)
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt (HB Unrevealed Key)
Tricone Lab (Indiegala Key)
Tristoy (Steam Gift)
Turbo Golf Racing (HB Unrevealed Key)
Vampire Survivors (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Waves of the Atlantide (DIG Key)
Weapons Genius (Indiegala Key)
Win The Diamond (DIG Key)
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Yet Another Hero Story (Indiegala Key)
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 2 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Zack 2: Celeste's Map (Indiegala Key)
Zen Cube (DIG Key)
Zibbs - Alien Survival (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Claus (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Wars (DIG Key)

Removed / Banned / Delisted / Purchase Disabled games :

• Afterfall Insanity Extended Edition
• Archery Practice VR
• Be King
• Beast Boxing Turbo
• Betrayer
• Blackwater Bayou VR
• Cloud Chamber
• Defenders of Ardania
• Depths of Fear :: Knossos
• Dollar Dash
• Droplitz
• eXceed - Gun Bullet Children
• Grind Zones
• Leviathan: Warships
• Magicka: Wizards of the Square Tablet
• On The Path
• Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
• Quadrant M4
• Quixzel Rush: Pumpkin Bash
• Quixzel Rush: Tooth Protector
• Run Away
• Shadows: Price For Our Sins Bonus Edition
• Sine Mora + Ex
• Space Rangers
• Spaceguy 2
• Star Shield Down
• Trials of The Illuminati: Animated Christmas Time Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Assorted Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Snack Time Jigsaw Puzzles
• Trials of The Illuminati: Women of Beauty Jigsaws
• Two Brothers
• World War 1 Centennial Edition
• ZombieRush

Challenges, Lootboy, second hand, might have some dupes in it (also might not be up to date) => i can exchange them for games but also for trading cards, based on grey market value Vs trading cards market value :

• A Game of Dwarves
• A New Beginning - Final Cut
• A New Beginning
• A Valley Without Wind
• Abandon Ship
• Alien Spidy
• Aliens versus Predator Classic 2000
• Angvik
• Animals
• Anna - Extended Edition
• AquaNox
• Ashes of the Singularity: Escalation
• Astervoid 2000 Soundtrack
• Aura: Fate of the Ages
• Avencast
• Bad Rats
• Bang Bang Racing
• Beat Hazard
• Beat Hazard Complete
• Bionic Heart 2 - Deluxe Edition
• Bionic Heart
• BlazeRush
• CAPSULE
• Car Mechanic Simulator 2014
• Cargo! - The quest for gravity
• Ceville
• Commander: Conquest of the Americas
• Commandos 3: Destination Berlin
• Contagion
• Crash Time 3
• Dangerous platform
• Dark Fall: Lost Souls
• Dark Fear
• Darwinia
• Darwinia Soundtrack
• Dead Hungry Diner
• Deadly 30
• Deep Dungeons of Doom
• Demigod
• Deponia
• DESOLATE
• Disciples II: Galleans Return
• Disciples II: Rise of the Elves
• Dragon Blast DLC
• Driftmoon
• Drop Hunt - Adventure Puzzle
• Dungeons - The Dark Lord
• El Matador
• Escape From Russia: Mobilization
• Europa Universalis III Chronicles
• Fated Souls 3
• Fester Mudd - Episode 1
• Figment
• Final Slam 2
• Finding Teddy
• Flatout
• Flower Shop: Summer In Fairbrook
• Galactic Civilizations I: Ultimate Edition
• Ghost Master
• Girlfriend Rescue
• Going Under
• Grand Ages Rome Gold
• Grav Blazer
• Greed: Black Border
• Grotesque Tactics 2
• Grotesque Tactics: Evil Heroes
• Hacker Evolution Source Code
• Hail To The King
• Hard Reset Extended Edition
• Heileen 2: The Hands Of Fate
• Hell Let Loose - Hot Drop (DLC)
• Hero by Chance
• Holy Avatar vs. Maidens of the Dead
• Home
• Huntsman: The Orphanage
• Imperial Glory
• inMomentum
• Ion Assault
• Just Ignore Them
• Kalaban
• KAMI
• Kingdom Wars 4 - The Plague: Kingdom Wars
• Knights of Honor
• Konung 2
• Konung 3
• Labyrinthine Dreams
• LEAVES - The Return
• Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards: Reloaded
• LYNE
• M.U.D. TV
• Majesty 2
• Mata Hari
• Maverta Island
• Megabyte Punch
• Memory Booster
• Men of War: Assault Squad GOTY
• Mind: Path to Thalamus
• Miner Wars 2081
• Mini Motor Racing
• Molecular Warfare
• Multiwinia
• NASCAR Heat Evolution
• Night Wanderings
• Norega Barracks + Academy DLC
• Oil Rush Bundle
• One Finger Death Punch 2
• Onikira - Demon Killer
• Overcast - Walden and the Werewolf
• Patrician IV
• Patrician IV Gold
• Perimeter
• Pixel Heroes: Byte & Magic
• PixelJunk Monsters Ultimate
• Planets Under Attack
• Plush
• Poof
• Praetorians
• Primal Carnage
• Purgatory: War of the Damned
• Puzzle Art: Cats
• Puzzle Kingdoms
• Quell
• Quell Memento
• Quell Reflect
• R.I.P.D.: The Game
• Race! Beauty! Bugs!
• Razor2: Hidden Skies
• Red Faction Guerrilla Re-Mars-tered + Armageddon Bundle With DLC (Nordic D)
• Red Johnson's Chronicles - 1+2
• Reign: Conflict of Nations
• Rig N Roll
• Rise of Flight: Channel Battles Edition
• Sacred Gold
• Save the Dodos
• Self Shot
• Sex Chess
• Shadowgrounds Survivor
• Shannon Tweed's Attack Of The Groupies
• Skara - Starter Pack
• Skeleton Troubles
• Sky Mercenaries
• Smalles Class DLC
• Soulcraft
• Space Empires V
• Space Pilgrim Academy: Year 3
• Spirited Heart Deluxe
• Square's Route
• Star Ruler
• Steel Storm
• Stellar Interface
• Stoirs VR
• Stunt Hill
• Swamp Jump
• Sweet Lilly Dreams
• Switch Galaxy Ultra
• Switch Galaxy Ultra Charity Pack 1
• Tennis Manager 2021
• The Deed II
• The End of Labyronia: Nerubis
• The God's Chain
• The King's Heroes
• The Old City: Leviathan
• Theatre of War 2: Africa 1943
• Theatre of War
• Theatre of War: 3 - Korea
• Theatre of War: Centauro
• Theatre of War: Kursk + Caen
• Toby: The Secret Mine
• Trainz Simulator 12 - Coronation Scot DLC
• Tropico 3
• Tropico 4
• Trulon: The Shadow Engine
• Turba
• UFO Afterlight
• Ultimate Soldier
• Undefeated
• Uplink
• Us and them
• Valnir Rok
• Vault Cracker
• Vegas: Make It Big
• Velvet Assassin
• Vessel
• Victory: The Age of Racing - Steam Founder Pack
• Warriors' Wrath
• Wasteland Angel
• Who's that Flying
• Windforge
• Zombie Pirates
• Zombie Shooter

Consoles (from IGN) :
Backfirewall_ (XBox) Home Sheep Home: Farmageddon Party Edition (XBox)
Enclave HD (Nintendo Switch America Region)

Wayfinder Early Access on PS5

Wishlist :
Various offers welcome, i'll browse lists, and most wanted are (not always up to date) :

• 9 Years of Shadows
• A Plague Tale: Requiem
• ABRISS
• Achilles: Legends Untold
• AFTERLIFE: KILLING DEATH
• ALTF4
• Axiom Verge
• Axiom Verge 2
• Battletoads
• Bendy and the Ink Machine
• BERSERK and the Band of the Hawk
• Blade of Darkness
• Blasphemous 2
• Bleak Faith: Forsaken
• Boneraiser Minions
• Bud Spencer & Terence Hill - Slaps And Beans 2
• CARRION
• Choo-Choo Charles
• Cookie Cutter
• Cuphead
• Deadlink
• Double Dragon Gaiden: Rise of the Dragons
• Dread Delusion
• Dread X Collection: The Hunt
• ELDEN RING
• Enter / Exit the Gungeon
• Gearshifters
• GetsuFumaDen: Undying Moon Delux
• Ghost Song
• Good Knight
• GRAVEN
• GTFO
• Hand of Fate 2
• Hands of Necromancy
• Hidden Deep
• High On Life
• HYPERVIOLENT
• Impaler
• Just King
• LEGO® Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
• Loot River
• Lost in Random
• Lost Ruins
• Madshot
• Mago
• Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy
• Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord
• New Tales from the Borderlands
• Noita
• Piko Interactive LLC various oldies
• Prince of Persia (various)
• Project Warlock II
• Prototype 1 and 2
• Resident Evil 4 (New)
• River City Girls 2
• River City Girls Zero
• River City Melee : Battle Royal Special
• River City Melee Mach!!
• River City: Rival Showdown
• River City Saga: Three Kingdoms
• Rogue: Genesia
• Seasons after Fall
• Sir Whoopass
• STASIS: BONE TOTEM
• Super Catboy
• The Knight Witch
• The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
• Trine 5: A Clockwork Conspiracy
• Ultratron
• ULTRAKILL
• UNSIGHTED
• Void Scrappers
• Warhammer 40,000: Darktide
• Warhammer 40,000: Shootas, Blood & Teef
• Windbound

DLCs : * The Surge The Good, the Bad and the Augmented DLC * Vermintide 2 DLCs : Warrior Priest Career - Sister of the Thorn * Borderlands 3 Season Pass 2 * Rocksmith DLCs * Lego Season Passes (Jurassic World - Marvel Super Heroes - Movie - Hobbit - Incredibles - Worlds) * Dead by Daylight DLCs (A Nightmare on Elm Street - Ash vs Evil Dead - Chains of Hate - Charity Case - Curtain Call - Ghost Face - Headcase - LEATHERFACE - Resident Evil Chapter - Stranger Things Chapter - The Bloodstained Sack - The Halloween Chapter - The Saw Chapter - Sadako Rising Chapter - Forged in Fog - Resident Evil: PROJECT W) * Resident Evil Village Winters Expansion * Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty * Saints Row - Expansion Pass * Rain World: Downpour
See here for the rest of my wishlist.
Compare2Steam
+ offers, i'll browse lists, and eventually take Paypal, but i'm more interested in Paypal & TF2, but i'm more interested in games trades

Hello,
I'd like some fair exchange for those, i'm willing to put more than one game against a game i really want, depends on the offer. I could accept Paypal, but that's not my goal (just getting games i'd like to play). I might want to keep something in those lists, i also have some other Humble and Fanatical games i'm not sure i'll play, so they might appear one day (could be money for an exchange if you have something from my wishlist, don't hesitate to ask). I'm from Europe, that might matter for Keys or gift links. Also, i have many games now, and a lot to do yet, so i might be very picky, even for games on my wishlist (it's more a list for interesting games, that i might want in an undetermined future if i have time).
(HB Unrevealed Key = i have it still unrevealed, but will provide a key, considering the Humble view on trading games)
For people living in France, i also have some old games in boxes that i can send by post, ask me if interested.
My IGSRep page
My SGSFlair page
My GameTrade page
My Barter (come to Barter, it's so much better !)
My SteamTrade
*** I have Amazon Prime, so i already have the games that drop there ***
*** Please tell me what you're interested in in my list and don't just drop yours ***

1/2 Red Riding Hood (DIG Key)
112 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
911 Operator (HB Unrevealed Key)
A.D.M (Angels,Demons And Men) (DIG Key)
Adventure Time: Pirates of the Enchiridion (HB Unrevealed Key)
Alien Cat 2 (Indiegala Key)
Arata Haunted Asylum (DIG Key)
Arcade Paradise (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Army Men RTS (HB Unrevealed Key)
Autonauts vs Piratebots (HB Unrevealed Key)
Baba Is You (HB Unrevealed Key) (GOOD offers only)
BOMBERX (DIG Key)
Calico (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Cargo Transportation: Low Poly (Indiegala Key)
City Siege: Faction Island (Indiegala Key)
Click and Slay (Fanatical Key)
Codename Ghost Hunt (DIG Key)
Cold Cable: Lifeshift (DIG Key)
Combat Tested (Fanatical Key)
Conflict Area (DIG Key)
Conflict Area (Indiegala Key)
Crazy Sapper 3D (Indiegala Key)
Creatures Inc. (Indiegala Key)
Cube Shifter (DIG Key)
Dagon - The Eldritch Box DLC (HB Unrevealed Key)
Dark Forest (Indiegala Key)
Destroyer: The U-Boat Hunter (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Detached: Non-VR Edition (Indiegala Key)
Dezinsector (Indiegala Key)
Doodle Derby (HB Unrevealed Key)
DreamWorks Dragons: Dawn of New Riders (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: Hail to the Icons Parody Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Duke Nukem Forever: The Doctor Who Cloned Me (HB Unrevealed Key)
Endless Void (DIG Key)
EnHanced (DIG Key)
Euler Wars (DIG Key)
Excive A-1000 (Indiegala Key)
Fear Of Mine (Indiegala Key)
Fishermurs (Indiegala Key)
Flyist (DIG Key)
Forep Man (DIG Key)
Frick, Inc. (HB Unrevealed Key)
GAI Stops Auto: Right Version (Indiegala Key)
GALAXIUM (DIG Key)
GOD's DEATH (DIG Key)
Gravityball/Space Hockey (DIG Key)
HOGuru Presents: The House With Too Many Zombies In It (DIG Key)
Il Sole e la Luna (DIG Key)
GameGuru (HB Unrevealed Key)
Hack 'n' Slash (HB Unrevealed Key)
HoloSprint (DIG Key)
Hotel Transylvania 3: Monsters Overboard (HB Unrevealed Key)
Incandescent (DIG Key)
Intelligence (Indiegala Key)
Izmir: An Independence Simulator (HB Unrevealed Key)
Jumanji: The Video Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Legendary Eleven (DIG Key)
LifeZ - Survival (DIG Key)
Lord of the Click 3 (Indiegala Key)
L.S.S II (DIG Key)
Lust from Beyond: M Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mechs & Mercs: Black Talons (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Meeple Station (HB Unrevealed Key)
Mello Haunted House (DIG Key)
Minute of Islands (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
MirrorMoon EP (HB Unrevealed Key)
Morbid: The Seven Acolytes (HB Unrevealed Key)
NAVALNY: A Nightmare of Corrupt (DIG Key)
NeverSynth (Indiegala Key)
NIGHT FALLEN (DIG Key)
Oracle Trials (DIG Key)
Orbital Racer (HB Unrevealed Key)
Patriots: Back to Civilization (DIG Key)
Paw Patrol: On A Roll (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Planet TD (HB Unrevealed Key)
POBEDA (Indiegala Key)
Quantum Replica (Fanatical Key) x2
Raccoon: The Orc Invasion (DIG Key)
Railroad Tycoon 3 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Rogue Bots (DIG Key)
Shiba Army (DIG Key)
Sid Meier's Railroads! (HB Unrevealed Key)
Sit on bottle (Indiegala Key)
Slime Up (DIG Key)
Snowboard (DIG Key)
Soul Grabber (DIG Key)
Soulstice (HB Unrevealed Key)
SPACE ACCIDENT (Indiegala Key)
Space BloX (DIG Key)
Spider-Robots War (Indiegala Key)
Stacking (HB Unrevealed Key)
Starlight Alliance (DIG Key)
StarCrossed (HB Unrevealed Key)
Steel Vampire (Indiegala Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (HB Unrevealed Key)
Stick Fight: The Game (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection (HB Unrevealed Key)
Supreme Ruler Cold War (Fanatical Key)
Swag and Sorcery (HB Unrevealed Key)
Swords and Soldiers 2 Shawarmageddon (Fanatical Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
System Shock: Enhanced Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
Telefrag VR (HB Unrevealed Key)
Teleglitch: Die More Edition (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Amazing American Circus (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Big SokoBang (DIG Key)
The Detective Chapters: Part One (DIG Key)
The Inner World (HB Unrevealed Key)
The Invisible Hand (HB Unrevealed Key)
THE KING OF FIGHTERS XIV STEAM EDITION (Fanatical Key) (GOOD offers only)
The Orphan A Tale of An Errant Ghost - Hidden Object Game (DIG Key)
Ticket to Ride (HB Unrevealed Key)
Time Lock VR 2 (Indiegala Key)
Townsmen - A Kingdom Rebuilt (HB Unrevealed Key)
Tricone Lab (Indiegala Key)
Tristoy (Steam Gift)
Turbo Golf Racing (HB Unrevealed Key)
Vampire Survivors (Fanatical Unrevealed Key)
Waves of the Atlantide (DIG Key)
Weapons Genius (Indiegala Key)
Win The Diamond (DIG Key)
X-Morph: Defense Complete Pack (HB Unrevealed Key)
Yet Another Hero Story (Indiegala Key)
YOU DON'T KNOW JACK Vol. 2 (HB Unrevealed Key)
Zack 2: Celeste's Map (Indiegala Key)
Zen Cube (DIG Key)
Zibbs - Alien Survival (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Claus (Indiegala Key)
Zombie Wars (DIG Key)

Removed / Banned / Delisted / Purchase Disabled games :

• Afterfall Insanity Extended Edition
• Archery Practice VR
• Be King
• Beast Boxing Turbo
• Betrayer
• Blackwater Bayou VR
• Cloud Chamber
• Defenders of Ardania
• Depths of Fear :: Knossos
• Dollar Dash
• Droplitz
• eXceed - Gun Bullet Children
• Grind Zones
• Leviathan: Warships
• Magicka: Wizards of the Square Tablet
• On The Path
• Peaky Blinders: Mastermind
• Quadrant M4
• Quixzel Rush: Pumpkin Bash
• Quixzel Rush: Tooth Protector
• Run Away
• Shadows: Price For Our Sins Bonus Edition
• Sine Mora + Ex
• Space Rangers
• Spaceguy 2
• Star Shield Down
• Trials of The Illuminati: Animated Christmas Time Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Assorted Jigsaws
• Trials of The Illuminati: Snack Time Jigsaw Puzzles
• Trials of The Illuminati: Women of Beauty Jigsaws
• Two Brothers
• World War 1 Centennial Edition
• ZombieRush

Challenges, Lootboy, second hand, might have some dupes in it (also might not be up to date) => i can exchange them for games but also for trading cards, based on grey market value Vs trading cards market value :

• A Game of Dwarves
• A New Beginning - Final Cut
• A New Beginning
• A Valley Without Wind
• Abandon Ship
• Alien Spidy
• Aliens versus Predator Classic 2000
• Angvik
• Animals
• Anna - Extended Edition
• AquaNox
• Ashes of the Singularity: Escalation
• Astervoid 2000 Soundtrack
• Aura: Fate of the Ages
• Avencast
• Bad Rats
• Bang Bang Racing
• Beat Hazard
• Beat Hazard Complete
• Bionic Heart 2 - Deluxe Edition
• Bionic Heart
• BlazeRush
• CAPSULE
• Car Mechanic Simulator 2014
• Cargo! - The quest for gravity
• Ceville
• Commander: Conquest of the Americas
• Commandos 3: Destination Berlin
• Contagion
• Crash Time 3
• Dangerous platform
• Dark Fall: Lost Souls
• Dark Fear
• Darwinia
• Darwinia Soundtrack
• Dead Hungry Diner
• Deadly 30
• Deep Dungeons of Doom
• Demigod
• Deponia
• DESOLATE
• Disciples II: Galleans Return
• Disciples II: Rise of the Elves
• Dragon Blast DLC
• Driftmoon
• Drop Hunt - Adventure Puzzle
• Dungeons - The Dark Lord
• El Matador
• Escape From Russia: Mobilization
• Europa Universalis III Chronicles
• Fated Souls 3
• Fester Mudd - Episode 1
• Figment
• Final Slam 2
• Finding Teddy
• Flatout
• Flower Shop: Summer In Fairbrook
• Galactic Civilizations I: Ultimate Edition
• Ghost Master
• Girlfriend Rescue
• Going Under
• Grand Ages Rome Gold
• Grav Blazer
• Greed: Black Border
• Grotesque Tactics 2
• Grotesque Tactics: Evil Heroes
• Hacker Evolution Source Code
• Hail To The King
• Hard Reset Extended Edition
• Heileen 2: The Hands Of Fate
• Hell Let Loose - Hot Drop (DLC)
• Hero by Chance
• Holy Avatar vs. Maidens of the Dead
• Home
• Huntsman: The Orphanage
• Imperial Glory
• inMomentum
• Ion Assault
• Just Ignore Them
• Kalaban
• KAMI
• Kingdom Wars 4 - The Plague: Kingdom Wars
• Knights of Honor
• Konung 2
• Konung 3
• Labyrinthine Dreams
• LEAVES - The Return
• Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards: Reloaded
• LYNE
• M.U.D. TV
• Majesty 2
• Mata Hari
• Maverta Island
• Megabyte Punch
• Memory Booster
• Men of War: Assault Squad GOTY
• Mind: Path to Thalamus
• Miner Wars 2081
• Mini Motor Racing
• Molecular Warfare
• Multiwinia
• NASCAR Heat Evolution
• Night Wanderings
• Norega Barracks + Academy DLC
• Oil Rush Bundle
• One Finger Death Punch 2
• Onikira - Demon Killer
• Overcast - Walden and the Werewolf
• Patrician IV
• Patrician IV Gold
• Perimeter
• Pixel Heroes: Byte & Magic
• PixelJunk Monsters Ultimate
• Planets Under Attack
• Plush
• Poof
• Praetorians
• Primal Carnage
• Purgatory: War of the Damned
• Puzzle Art: Cats
• Puzzle Kingdoms
• Quell
• Quell Memento
• Quell Reflect
• R.I.P.D.: The Game
• Race! Beauty! Bugs!
• Razor2: Hidden Skies
• Red Faction Guerrilla Re-Mars-tered + Armageddon Bundle With DLC (Nordic D)
• Red Johnson's Chronicles - 1+2
• Reign: Conflict of Nations
• Rig N Roll
• Rise of Flight: Channel Battles Edition
• Sacred Gold
• Save the Dodos
• Self Shot
• Sex Chess
• Shadowgrounds Survivor
• Shannon Tweed's Attack Of The Groupies
• Skara - Starter Pack
• Skeleton Troubles
• Sky Mercenaries
• Smalles Class DLC
• Soulcraft
• Space Empires V
• Space Pilgrim Academy: Year 3
• Spirited Heart Deluxe
• Square's Route
• Star Ruler
• Steel Storm
• Stellar Interface
• Stoirs VR
• Stunt Hill
• Swamp Jump
• Sweet Lilly Dreams
• Switch Galaxy Ultra
• Switch Galaxy Ultra Charity Pack 1
• Tennis Manager 2021
• The Deed II
• The End of Labyronia: Nerubis
• The God's Chain
• The King's Heroes
• The Old City: Leviathan
• Theatre of War 2: Africa 1943
• Theatre of War
• Theatre of War: 3 - Korea
• Theatre of War: Centauro
• Theatre of War: Kursk + Caen
• Toby: The Secret Mine
• Trainz Simulator 12 - Coronation Scot DLC
• Tropico 3
• Tropico 4
• Trulon: The Shadow Engine
• Turba
• UFO Afterlight
• Ultimate Soldier
• Undefeated
• Uplink
• Us and them
• Valnir Rok
• Vault Cracker
• Vegas: Make It Big
• Velvet Assassin
• Vessel
• Victory: The Age of Racing - Steam Founder Pack
• Warriors' Wrath
• Wasteland Angel
• Who's that Flying
• Windforge
• Zombie Pirates
• Zombie Shooter

Consoles (from IGN) :
Backfirewall_ (XBox) Home Sheep Home: Farmageddon Party Edition (XBox)
Enclave HD (Nintendo Switch America Region)

Wayfinder Early Access on PS5

Wishlist :
Various offers welcome, i'll browse lists, and most wanted are (not always up to date) :

• 9 Years of Shadows
• A Plague Tale: Requiem
• ABRISS
• Achilles: Legends Untold
• AFTERLIFE: KILLING DEATH
• ALTF4
• Axiom Verge
• Axiom Verge 2
• Battletoads
• Bendy and the Ink Machine
• BERSERK and the Band of the Hawk
• Blade of Darkness
• Blasphemous 2
• Bleak Faith: Forsaken
• Boneraiser Minions
• Bud Spencer & Terence Hill - Slaps And Beans 2
• CARRION
• Choo-Choo Charles
• Cookie Cutter
• Cuphead
• Deadlink
• Double Dragon Gaiden: Rise of the Dragons
• Dread Delusion
• Dread X Collection: The Hunt
• ELDEN RING
• Enter / Exit the Gungeon
• Gearshifters
• GetsuFumaDen: Undying Moon Delux
• Ghost Song
• Good Knight
• GRAVEN
• GTFO
• Hand of Fate 2
• Hands of Necromancy
• Hidden Deep
• High On Life
• HYPERVIOLENT
• Impaler
• Just King
• LEGO® Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga
• Loot River
• Lost in Random
• Lost Ruins
• Madshot
• Mago
• Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy
• Mount & Blade II: Bannerlord
• New Tales from the Borderlands
• Noita
• Piko Interactive LLC various oldies
• Prince of Persia (various)
• Project Warlock II
• Prototype 1 and 2
• Resident Evil 4 (New)
• River City Girls 2
• River City Girls Zero
• River City Melee : Battle Royal Special
• River City Melee Mach!!
• River City: Rival Showdown
• River City Saga: Three Kingdoms
• Rogue: Genesia
• Seasons after Fall
• Sir Whoopass
• STASIS: BONE TOTEM
• Super Catboy
• The Knight Witch
• The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
• Trine 5: A Clockwork Conspiracy
• Ultratron
• ULTRAKILL
• UNSIGHTED
• Void Scrappers
• Warhammer 40,000: Darktide
• Warhammer 40,000: Shootas, Blood & Teef
• Windbound

DLCs : * The Surge The Good, the Bad and the Augmented DLC * Vermintide 2 DLCs : Warrior Priest Career - Sister of the Thorn * Borderlands 3 Season Pass 2 * Rocksmith DLCs * Lego Season Passes (Jurassic World - Marvel Super Heroes - Movie - Hobbit - Incredibles - Worlds) * Dead by Daylight DLCs (A Nightmare on Elm Street - Ash vs Evil Dead - Chains of Hate - Charity Case - Curtain Call - Ghost Face - Headcase - LEATHERFACE - Resident Evil Chapter - Stranger Things Chapter - The Bloodstained Sack - The Halloween Chapter - The Saw Chapter - Sadako Rising Chapter - Forged in Fog - Resident Evil: PROJECT W) * Resident Evil Village Winters Expansion * Cyberpunk 2077: Phantom Liberty * Saints Row - Expansion Pass * Rain World: Downpour
See here for the rest of my wishlist.
Compare2Steam
+ offers, i'll browse lists, and eventually take Paypal, but i'm more interested in Paypal & TF2, but i'm more interested in games trades

I feel kinda lost right now and have no one to talk to or at least I don’t know who I should approach for some advice.
My girlfriend and I have been talking for almost 6 months which was a long distance set up and got into a relationship in January. We are actually doing very well. I can just speak for myself but I am very happy. She claims to be very happy as well, yet.. she’s still in touch with her exes which I find problematic.
I confronted her yesterday and we had a quite rough night. She says she’s just being nice and I don’t have to worry about them yet, she made me unfollow certain people on IG. She wants me to cut off everyone while she is keeping her exes around. She says they didn’t end in bad terms and that’s why they’re still in touch. No intentions or anything. She claims to be just nice and kind and she says she might be just naive to think that these guys have the same intentions.
Honestly, I can’t tell if she’s telling me the truth or straight up lies to me about it. I have my insecurities and all this BS just adds up to it and feeds my fear of getting cheated on.
What should I do? Break up? Give her a chance to prove herself? I don’t know if i’m overreacting or if I genuinely be concerned. Also don’t know what to do right now. I can’t make any proper decisions right now since I’m emotionally drained and need some advice. What are your thoughts? Would appreciate if you’d reply in English since I’m half Filipino and just moved here in December.
Thank you for reading my post. Looking forward to your advice!

It's a lot. And it's nearly 2 years worth. I think given what's happened tonight, I want to get it off my chest. This is a throwaway for obvious reasons....
Partner was in some weird niche group on fb. The admin is a very good friend of his. He made friends with some of the people in the group and chats moved to DMs etc. The admin passed on the number of a woman in the group and they chatted (it later transpired the behaviour youre about to read about happened with multiple men in cluding admin friend). The woman is in a whole different country very far away. They exchanged gifts, talked/video called every day and pretty soon, he was relying on her heavily for emotional support. This happened behind my back. He pulled the old "you would never let me have female friends" chestnut.
Jan 2023, I got covid and a close family relatives health went downhill. My covid resulted in secondary chest infections, chest xrays, multiple tests for all sorts of things and a lot of time off work not being fit for much at all. It was a long recovery and it was all I could do to work and then collapse in a heap at the end of the day. My partner felt like he had the brunt of everything to do around the house (I was still doing a lot but appreciated him sorting food in the evening and never complained). I didnt realise it but he also felt incredibly lonely- he works a solitary job by choice and his work hours meant he was coming home as I was going to bed and I could hardly keep myself awake with the post viral fatigue to spend time with him. I did try, napping when I got back from work to try and be able to stay up later, but it probably wasn't enough and I dropped the ball I guess.
My sick relatives health declined further and they ended up in palliative care before passing in April. I was devastated and he supported me through it but things felt off, I could never quite put my finger on it but definitely off. I mean the fact he called me the other woman's name in bed twice should have been a big red flag but he played it down- jokimg that it was one of his many many girlfriends and he can't help what he does when he's asleep.
What happened shortly after the funeral (2 weeks maybe) was that I came home from an errand and found partner on a video call with this woman. It was awkward AF. He asked me what I was doing home, tried introducing us, she didn't speak and then later complained I was very rude. She's a year younger than my mum and he tried to make out she's a mother figure and a good friend.
The following few days were strange, I was feeling jangled but still trying to get on with everything. We are in June now. He started bringing his work phone in with him and low and behold a message pings up from her- love hearts and all this bull. So it all comes out. They fucking love each other, she persued him and made it sexual. He loves it. I have yet another health issue resulting in small outpaitent surgury, its ok but im dealing with everything and it's a lot. Listening to him talk about her and how angry he feels towards me.
We hash it out. Nothing physical has ever happened obviously, gotta be in at least the same country for that blah blah blah. A lot of hurtful things were said (by him) but ultimately we decided to move on together and part of it was that they had to be NC. In the interests of open clarity and fairness, I emailed info to her husband. I'd have wanted to know. I apparently put her in danger from this which resulted in more anger.
I sought therapy and my health improved and I thought everything was going ok. Booked a holiday together for spring 2024 and, even though I had some blips in response to triggering behaviour, I thought we were doing ok. By Christmas I felt safe about opening up and felt more comfortable like we were back to our old selves. We had a festive blip- he tells me there's no longevity becuase I lost it over shit hidden in a cupboard that she'd gifted him. I need to get over it. He apologises for overreacting. We move on.
Jan 2024, I'm ill again. And it's wiped me out. I'm a mess. March 2024 roles around. Im still not right, struggling with my health and managing everything. Lo and behold, there's an email from her husband in my inbox with a LOAD of incriminating sexual screenshots and videos in a chat between my partner and his wife. Transpires NC never happened, or a least did only for a couple of weeks. He missed her too much. It's been going on again. Behind my back. Interestingly, I could not see him in any of what i was emailed, only her and he is very clear she is a friend and he never did anything inappropriate and had asked her to stop. Most of the time it wasn't like that but when she wanted to be naughty she would. I still stand by the fact friends wouldn't behave like that with boundaries and risking relationships, and if he really didn't want it he'd have put a stop to it.
It has been AWFUL. I insist on NC. He's very worried about whats going to happen to her, husband is allegedly not too nice. Partner is also suggesting that he'd just go behind my back because she's his safe space and he loves her, not in a romantic way mind.... Husband messages me to say they are getting a divorce (there have been several men, from our country- my partner was not as special as he thought). I worry having had it made clear that husband isn't so nice, I figure the news is better off coming from me. I tell him and he asks to be in contact with her.
Now here is where I might have gone wrong. I say to the pair of them to behave like long distance friends, set parameters- no pics, videos, love yous love hearts, whatever. She accepted full responsibility for everything and apologised. He says contact will dwindle over time and it will be ok. He wouldn't hurt me again. I felt like this was the right thing to do and that I could manage it. If they were genuinely just friends and it was her being broken and sad making it weirdly sexual maybe it would be ok, especially as I felt I'd said my piece and gotten some understanding.
I lasted 3 weeks. The contact level was insane. She was the 3rd wheel on our holiday. Honestly, it fucking killed me. I have never been so sad. And I was aware that pretty quickly my conditions of contact had been ignored. I broke down about 3 weeks later and said I couldn't do it anymore. Even with him saying that with the divorce the contact would decrease becuase she'd meet someone else etc. He said he'd cut contact and all he needed to know was that she'd be ok. He gets it done and I am surprised given everything I didnt think it would be an option. He said he knew it was hurting me but didn't do anything about it.
We've been going ok, probably about 3 weeks of realtive peace. Until today. I take a work call and he scuttles into another room and I can fucking hear them in a video call together. Apparently its only very recent- I mean its only been 3 weeks🤦🏻‍♀️. Apparently he's very lonely and doesn't want a miserable life of being monitored all the time. The trust is broken and its me thats dragging it out. Seems me saying I couldn't cope with them being in constant contact makes this my fault becuase he just misses her all the time.
So yeah. Hes downstairs on the sofa, messaging her. And I'm upstairs venting to you guys becuase WTF.
I'd do a TLDR but honestly, how?! It's cross posted though!!

People ruminate on the past, who’s wronged them, and the things that are absent from their lives. People imagine past events as though they are still happening now. They use who they were in the past to define their future.
The issue with defining oneself in the present from your past is that it keeps you bound to the past. This self-imposed limitation asserts that everything about your past determines how you will behave in the future. Your future hasn't been written yet. The decisions you make will continue to shape who you can be.
When you are a child of an alcoholic, you learn from a very young age the signs to look for so you aren’t in the line of fire when the next violent episode occurs. And the feared incident always happens. Consequently, you become conditioned to react to these indications.
As an adult, you see evidence that because bad things have happened in the past doesn’t mean more bad things will happen. Not every slurred speech or stumbling from another person will cause harm. Therefore, you can determine that the past doesn’t have to repeat itself.
Although this may take time to realize, it doesn’t have to. You’re shaped by your past. The good news is, you aren’t bound to it. You can move beyond the difficulties of the past and into something far better. The main reason you don’t have to repeat the past is because you can learn from it.

While we cannot predict the future, we will most surely live it. Every action and decision we take - or don't - ripples into the future. ~ Jacque Fresco

Your Mindset Determines Your Future

You often have feelings and attachments to the past. The past can be hard to let go of, and it affects you emotionally. Yet you have a choice to make, an option to choose a different outlook, a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.
The fixed mindset is the idea that you believe your attributes and abilities are inherently fixed and can’t be changed. For example, you may think that you’re as smart as you’ll ever be and therefore, that thought process causes you not to even try to learn new things. Since you don’t believe your intelligence can grow with time and experience, then you can’t change, and your future will be the same.
A growth mindset is the exact opposite. This mindset is founded on the conviction that your basic abilities can be cultivated and are malleable. This allows one to grow with enthusiasm, time, and a commitment to improving, learning, and becoming greater than before. With a growth mindset, failures are short-term setbacks, and the process is usually more important than the outcome. So, with a growth mindset, your future is never predetermined. It’s boundless.
The fixed mindset is the most common mindset and the most harmful. So, you need to know which mindset you favor so you can learn from the past and then choose a different future. You can change your mindset just by thinking it through.

The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. ~ Mary Pickford

Reframing Your Past To Better Serve You

Your world is the one you make through your decisions. So is the one you remember from your past. Change the significance of the experiences if what you remember is difficult or negative. Examine the experiences that are preventing you from moving forward and try to see them from a more positive perspective. Reframe your rejection, to believe it was a sign from the Universe directing you to a better place. If you have ever failed at something, consider it a lesson in building resilience for a better future.

Accepting your history serves as a springboard and a means of getting ready for the future once you can no longer imagine a better ending for it. The way you identify who you have been and how you envision who you will be next, combine to form who you are today. Take care of the narratives you accept and write about yourself. Take deliberate steps to embrace the lessons learned from the past and the opportunities that lie ahead. 

These are the components of who you are right now. The gifts that make up your current existence have been your experiences. A clear vision for your life is essential, as you attract what you focus on. Your destiny is entirely within your control. Even if you can't control everything in life, you can still do great things if you accept responsibility, grow from your mistakes, and have a clear vision.

There are times in our lives when we have to realize our past is precisely what it is, and we cannot change it. But we can change the story we tell ourselves about it, and by doing that, we can change the future. ~ Eleanor Brown

Everybody Changes; So The Future Will Differ From The Past

As an adult, you have experienced enough of life to see that one constant is change. You grow, circumstances transform, people develop. All of this is observable. Therefore, if everybody changes, then the past can’t indicate the future.
Even those around you that don’t seem to have the desire to grow still change. They are based on the circumstances that occur in their life and by the choices they make. Not making a choice is still choosing, which impacts one’s life that doesn’t allow things to stay the same. Thus, despite a lack of growth, the future will differ from the past.
As you develop, how you perceive the past is altered and reframed. You learn from the past and determine ways to prevent unwanted situations. You make informed decisions and take responsibility for your choices, so that you can move forward toward the goals and dreams. Thus, validating that you are creating a better future than your past.
My aha moment came when I realized my past was holding me back because I allowed it to. I embraced both the idea that I had total autonomy to decide in the present and the reality that I couldn’t change the past, only reframe it. Then I choose to forgive anyone who had wronged me, as well as myself for my previous missteps. And you can make the same choice.

People underestimate their capacity for change. There is never a right time to do a difficult thing. ~John Porter

Making Your Future Better than Your Past

As you have seen, in order to improve your future than your past, believe that it’s possible. This may take a bit of courage to overcome your fears and move towards a growth mindset. Here are some ways to help you with this process.

1. Find Your Tribe To Create The Future You Desire

You may have to cut ties with those people in your life that keep you fixated on negativity. The girlfriend who’s always teasing you about the mistake you made years ago has no bearing on the present, except that it keeps your ego in a place of embarrassment every time she mentions it. The people who remind you of your failings or missteps are focusing on the negativity of the past. You may need to spend less time with these people.
Instead, focus on those people who are encouraging, the ones who are excited for you to try new ventures or take a class. This is your tribe, the ones who look at your best attributes and speak positively to you. They remind you of the successes you’ve had, to inspire you to keep moving forward. Make new friends in the areas that you are growing. It's helpful to have someone learning with you to discuss and problem solve together.
Releasing those people from your life that have a negative influence on you is an important step to safeguarding that your future doesn’t resemble your past. By ensuring that you have people who are positive and encouraging around, you help yourself enlarge the possibilities of a better and boundless future.

When we think we have been hurt by someone in the past, we build up defenses to protect ourselves from being hurt in the future. So the fearful past causes a fearful future and the past and future become one. ~ Gerald G. Jampolsky

2. Let Go Of The Past And Its Attachments

Fear of loss is a common concern, like the anxiety of losing your job and the grief of losing a friend. The harsh reality is that you will lose things and loved ones. It’s the natural course of life. Nonetheless, being anxious about the future or worried about the past does nothing but keep you from being fully present and working towards your goals.
The fear of loss can cause many to stay in a mode of indecision and procrastination throughout the course of their lives. People grow attached to the stuff in their lives. Things like their profession, their prominence, their income, their lifestyle, etc. To pursue a change would mean relinquishing some or these things that are now associated as part of your life. Because of this aversion to loss, many people choose to put their dreams on hold — continuously.
By becoming less attached to the things in your life, you overcome the fear of loss. This enables you to move forward towards your goals and build a better future for yourself.

Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. ~ Yoda

3. Accepting What Is Stops The Struggling

By learning to be thankful for your current situation, one changes the focus from lack to having enough. This is important from a universal perspective. Acceptance for what is allows peace to enter your life instead of feeling you are fighting just to get by.
Part of acceptance is gratitude for everything you have, which includes any hardships, as they’re there for you to learn something. The fastest way through adversity is to ask the Universe what lesson are you to glean from the experience. Then, you have to get quiet and discern how this situation can teach you something about yourself or how you relate to the world around you.
One of the best ways to help you see all the good in your life is a gratitude journal. It’s easy to write a few items each evening that happened during your day, which you are grateful for. They can be things like the beautiful sunrise you witnessed while driving into work or your child passed their math test even though he struggled with the homework. You have things in your life to appreciate, and this is where you need to focus your attention in order to shape the vision you have for your future.

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it. ~ Michael J. Fox

4. Small Steps Towards A Better Future

Growth and development don’t happen overnight. It takes time. And you want things to happen quickly as you are impatient with yourself. But you need to be kind, give a little self-care and self-love. Pay attention to the incremental steps you take as you grow.
It took me over two years before I could meditate daily. I wanted to, but I had to overcome obstacles within myself in order to accomplish this goal. First, I set the intention to meditate daily, but I had focus issues. So, I had to work on being able to quiet my mind so that I could focus. Once I accomplished that step, I added meditation to my calendar, because if it’s on my calendar, I do it. This entire process could be frustrating, but I focused on each incremental step, not the end result. Now, I wouldn’t begin my day without first meditating.
So, whatever you are trying to accomplish, set up steps along the path so you can have minor victories along the way. This ensures you will continue to move forward even if you run into a time of struggle. Being able to see that you overcame previous difficulties encourages you to continue until you accomplish the goal.

You need to be content with small steps. That's all life is. Small steps that you take every day, so when you look back down the road, it all adds up and you know you covered some distance. ~ Katie Kacvinsky

Remember, You Are Wiser Now

It’s unnecessary for you to continue suffering just because you were taken advantage of or mistreated by others, often by those closest to you. You have the power to decide to quit mentally reliving the past. Actually, more anguish is frequently caused by your mind continuously playing back an awful experience from the past than by the actual incident.
You are no longer required to assume the victim's role. You're a survivor. And you can determine how you interpret negative experiences from your past. It’s the key to your freedom.
Unlike what some people think, you can be remorseful without always punishing yourself for past transgressions. Make the adjustments and move on. I can attest to the liberating nature of forgiveness, having extended forgiveness to my abusive mother. You don't choose to be forgiving of others in order to excuse or justify their actions. You choose to be free through forgiveness.
It's also important for you to accept responsibility for your own missteps. Since nobody is perfect. You don't have to serve a life sentence that you put on yourself in order to make up for the wrongs you did or the poor decisions you made. Treat yourself with self-compassion.
You can choose to see your past as quicksand or a launching pad. It’s up to you to make use of your experiences as a tool or allow them to be used against you.

Close the door on the past. Don’t try to forget the mistakes, but don't dwell on them. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space. ~ Johnny Cash

Moving Forward Believing In A Better Future

You have the freedom to decide how much control you wish to have over your present life, regardless of what has happened in the past. Although it’s impossible to undo the past, you can reframe it and decide how to respond to it.
Belief is paramount to being able to do anything. Confidence in your abilities, conviction in your resolve to constantly move forward, and faith that all your work will make your dreams a reality. Maintaining this belief is important, which is why you need to take pride in the victories along the way.
Every disappointment that you overcame, each circumstance you seized, and the individuals that arrived along the way that you recognized were there to help you. All the success along the way helps you maintain the belief that the future is going to be better than your past, because you are creating it every day.
No matter how awful it was, your past does not indicate your future. The decisions and deeds you commit to today will ultimately shape who you become in the future. Decide to take what you've learned from the past and use it in the present to live the life that was meant for you.

Change your life today. Don’t gamble on the future, act now, without delay. ~ Simone de Beauvoir