First off, big thanks to the dozen or so users who sent me this book through PDF files or Google document links. Seriously, I got maybe a dozen messages, so thanks!
Written in 2002 with the help of journalists Kristie McLellan, this is a truly wild book that is honestly a mess to read. It's structure was fucked up, it jumped around with no focus and just featured Diana shading literally everyone.
As always, I kept this as much in chronological order as possible, hope y'all enjoy.
In the first paragraph of the book, she says Davey Boy Smith was doping her drinks so he could r*pe her every night. She said she never should have married him.
Diana had a massive crush on Dynamite Kid when he first came to Calgary, but describes him as a sadistic masochistic psychopath who did so much steroids that he developed gross boils all over his body. She remembers that he would literally cut the boils off with a razor blade, saying how he hates to squeeze them but also hated to look at them.
"Smith is quite warped, but he's not a pervert." This is the first thing Diana says about her oldest brother Smith.
Diana says that Smith once ran over a bird and, not wanting to "waste anything," he took the creature home, cooked it, and served it to his family for dinner. Everyone put their forks down when Owen Hart told them where their meal came from and Diana says that Smith was hurt that no one wanted to eat his road kill.
Diana talks about Smith knocking up someone named Marla that their dad would refer to as an "arena tramp." Smith hid the pregnancy from his parents until they spotted Smith with the 8 month pregnant girl. Diana says that because the mother Marla was known to sleep around, Stu refused to acknowledge the baby girl as a Hart. Diana says the girl grew up nice enough but the Hart's really have nothing to do with her.
Diana doesn't expand much on the mother, but Bret did say in his book that the first person Smith knocked up was an ex girlfriend of Bret's. This would be the first of many times in this book where Diana casually mentions an adult knocking up a teenage girl.
Diana says Smith would have a couple more children out of wedlock. Bret says the number of kids Smith truly had is a mystery. One of the girls he knocked up was a 15 year old who later became a prostitute and gave the child up for adoption. The girl would later die, wether it was suicide or overdose is anyone's guess.
Diana says that Stu made it clear that she and Owen were his favorite children. Good grief. All the Hart kids suffer from this "Stu loved me more than the rest" ideology.
Diana describes how a 14 year old Bret would fight with his 15 year old sister, leaving bruises on them that they would later show Stu. Diana says Bret is the only Hart boy who had to be routinely told not to hit girls.
Diana remembers how Bret would routinely hide from Stu, who would track him down and cuff him hard upside the head. Diana praises her dad's "cuffing ability" because it would hurt, make a loud noise, but not do any damage. So she claims.
Diana casually mentions someone called "Bob Johnson" as a wrestling fan who moved into the Hart House in 1989 to help with their mom's office work, but Diana says he stayed there for nearly a decade. She describes him as a pretty gross individual who left his child pornograohy lying around. She doesn't go into more detail on who he is or why he was there for over 8 years but it's just a big "What the fuck" moment while reading her book.
Diana describes how all the kids had to show up for Sunday dinner, regardless of who you were angry at or what was going on. Diana says by the time all the kids got married, these weekly dinners would be super hostile get together full of fights and catty remarks.
Diana makes a point of saying "on the rare occasion that Owen's wife Martha came to one of these dinners, she would just contradict everything anyone says." Diana paints Martha in a pretty bad light in this book.
Diana says that if these dinners got the slightest big chaotic, Owen and Martha would always just immediately leave. She says the family would always react poorly to this and accuse Martha of pulling Owen away from his own family. Diana suspects Owen just had enough fighting and didn't want to subject his wife and kids to it. Smart man.
She doesn't talk much about her brother Ross, but in a chapter dedicated to Dean, she points out the differences between the two, despite sharing the same birth date, five years apart. She calls Dean open and honest, and describes him with love and affection, while describing Ross as the opposite, and even randomly saying, "He still harbors big secrets." Ross is one of those Hart's who I have literally never heard a negative thing about tbh, him and Wayne are always regarded well. So it's weird to hear someone speak badly about Ross.
Diana says one time in Hawaii visiting Dean who was loving there, Dean got her to help him move some boxes. The boxes were owned by a guy named Ronnie Ching, who once spent time in jail for murder. In the boxes was ammunition and other criminal paraphernalia and Diana says she and Dean got their fingerprints all over the boxes that day. Dean was storing the boxes at his apartment for this Ronnie Ching fellow.
A Honolulu city prosecutor named Charles Marsland was convinced that Ronnie Ching had murdered his son, but couldn't prove it, but he was absolutely out to get Ronnie. Diana says the police chief actually warned wrestler King Curtis Ikea to get ahold of Dean and get him back home asap, because this prosecutor Charles "isn't taking prisoners."
Charles Marsland eventually got ahold of the boxes and brought Dean in for questioning based off his fingerprints. Dean didn't say anything and after he was released, fled back home on King Curtis's advice. The boxes were eventually linked to Ronnie Ching, and he got indicated on 11 counts. The boxes were filled with guns and ammunition. Ronnie, mistakenly believed that Dean flipped on him and years later, after Dean thought things had cooled down, actually went back to Hawaii where Ronnie tracked him down and along with several other men, beat Dean near to death. Most think that Ronnie (or whomever attacked Dean) thought they had legitimately killed Dean that night. He was fucked up and most people think this is when his kidneys really got fucked up. It's impossible to say though since Dean rarely went to a doctor about it and never followed their advice.
This was all from Diana's POV but it's honestly the most in depth account that I've heard when it comes to how Dean was nearly beaten to death.
Diana talks about how fucked up Dean was afterwords with his kidneys failing. She said he would sit in front of the oven, open it up and crank it to 500 as he ate shaved ice. His kidneys couldn't even process water so Dean couldn't eat or drink, he just chewed on shaved ice as he deteriorated further and further.
Diana talks about something that I have always had an issue with, Dean just needed a basic kidney transplant and had 13 viable doners right there who all just watched him die. Don't get wrong, he wasn't following doctors advice so there is a chance the donation would have been wasted, but it's still shocking that no one stepped up. Bret talked about this in his book, and spoke in shame about how he didn't want to derail his career before it got going in the late 80s when Dean needed the transplant.
Diana says no one talked about a potential transplant too much and no doctors ever really pushed them to do it. They didn't know how fast Dean was dying and didn't realize the timetable he had. Diana spoke earlier in the book about how Stu hated being sick and trained his kids to think they were immune to illness. No one took Dean's kidney failure as seriously as they should have because they all thought the Hart's were indestructible at the time. How times change.
The last time Diana saw Dean, she asked him, "how are you doing?" To which Dean replied, "Barely functioning." They had a laugh and Diana didn't think much of it, but two days later, Diana says Allison's daughter Brooke found Dean dead, naked and laying on the bathroom floor.
Diana was at Bret Hart's house when Dean died. She says she was trying to bury the hatchet with Bret's wife Julie after Diana alledgedly said that Bret only married her because she got knocked up. Diana doesn't deny saying this, but does comment that she thinks Bret and Julie would have gotten married with or without a kid, so it sounds like she did say that. Diana says Julie refused to return her calls for over a year.
While visiting together, Diana remembers Julie answering the phone and Diana remembers seeing Julie's face fall and darken before she quickly hung up. Julie just told Diana to call home, where her sister Allison told her that Dean had died. She and everyone else in the family was blindsided by this, and I think it's because of how Stu raised them all to think they were above being sick.
Owen was wrestling in Germany when Dean died and Diana thinks his wife Martha convinced him not to come home for the funeral because Martha was with him in Germany. Martha's sister and mother attended the funeral and read a card that Owen had written. Diana makes fun of the way Martha's mom pronounced her name like "Marta."
Diana says Martha's sister was very nice but didn't understand why she was so nice to Martha, who Diana said was "always a bitch to her."
Diana says that Martha's mom got super drunk at Dean's funeral and "pushed drinks" on Diana's mom Helen.
Diana says after they scattered Dean's ashes, everyone but Bruce's wife joined hands as her brother Wayne sang "Hallelujah." Bruce's wife is a young girl named Andrea, who will eventually leave Bruce for Diana's husband Davey Boy.
Diana talks a bit about Wayne (no one ever does so I wanted to hear anything on the guy) and describes him as a bit of a hippie who got a long much better with his mom than his dad. Stu never liked his long hair or his smoking, she says Stu attributed that type of stuff to peer pressure and felt his kids were above any sort of society type pressures.
Diana remembers how Stu would be backstage before a Stampede show and trying to get the guys to cut out the weapons and over the top angles, but right after he left, Bruce would stand up and say, "Fuck him, he's senile. I'm the one who calls the shots around here."
Truly horrifying tale incoming. Dynamite Kid's manager was John Foley, an old school shooter from Europe who helped train Billy Robinson. By the time John Foley got to Calgary he became a drunk, and used the death of his son as the excuse for his drinking. John had a daughter who was in a minor car accident when she was 20 years old. John thought he had a big settlement payday coming, but was disappointed when the xrays showed his daughter was fine. This is the fucked up and truly sickening part. John took his daughter to Dynamite Kid and asked Dynamite to break his daughters legs so they will have a a chance at a settlement. They did it. They gagged her mouth with a towel and held her down as Dynamite Kid smacked her knees with a mallet until both of them were broken. The insurance company awarded them 20 grand but the poor girl's legs never recovered and she never walked normally again. Last Diana heard, she was very heavy with completely useless knees. This story didn't come out until Dynamite Kid went back home and his terrified wife Michelle was able to tell someone. Dynamite alledgedly beat her all the time and poor Michelle was too afraid to tell anyone.
Diana says Michelle would often call her and Davey Boy up in the middle of the night, panicked and crying, saying how Dynamite is threatening her with a loaded gun. Dynamite would often pull the trigger of an empty gun pointed at Michelle and menacingly tell her how one day it may be loaded.
Another horrifying tale here, Diana claims that Michelle once confided to her how one time while partying with Wayne's girlfriend Sandra, Dynamite Kid spiked their drinks and r*ped them both.
Chapter 15 is titled "Bruce and Andrea" and I was wondering how much Diana would talk about her creepy 33 year old brother knocking up his 17 year old student.
Good lord, while Ive read that Bruce was 33 and Andrea was 17 when they met, Diana says here that Bruce was actually 37 and Andrea was only 14.
Diana calls Andrea a "ring rat" who would hang around the wrestling shows looking to hook up with guys.
Diana says Bruce was heartbroken over some former girlfriend (who was also younger than him and also a high school student) when he met Andrea, and soon enough, Andrea was tagging along in the van with Bruce to shows. Diana even claims that the two would have sex in the van while the other guys had to awkwardly not look or pay attention because Bruce was technically their boss.
When Andrea was 15, she told Bruce she was pregnant, despite saying she was on birth control. Diana suspects Andrea was never on birth control and her plan all along was to get knocked up by one of Stu's kids. Andrea's mom Bunny, confronted Stu shortly after Andrea got knocked up and said if Bruce doesn't marry her and take care of Andrea, then they would go to the papers with a story about Stu Hart's 38 year old son knocking up his 15 year old student.
Diana calls this Bunny woman the stupidest person she ever met and legitimately insane. Diana says that Bunny later confided to the Hart's that she ordered Andrea to get knocked up by Bruce. What the fuck am I reading?
After Bruce and Andrea got married, Diana claims Andrea would throw a ton of parties while Bruce was on the road, and that she was having sex with multiple men each night, with her baby in the next room.
Diana says Andrea lied about having a miscarriage in late 1990, saying she instead got breat enhancement surgery that Stu and Helen Hart paid for.
Diana was very angry that her mom was giving Andrea $800 per week as just spending money, meanwhile Diana claims that Stampede Wrestling couldn't afford to pay Davey Boy for some shows he worked. Diana is also upset that Bruce was making $1000 per week to run Stampede Wrestling in its sorry state on its last legs. The amount of money I hear about Stu Hart wasting, always shocks me.
Diana says her mom would routinely threatening to kill herself over financial struggles.
Diana talks about how her and Davey were struggling financially and that Davey would let Allison Hart's piece of shit husband, Ben Bassarab and Hermesh Austin park all their sketchy stolen cars on their property in exchange for a loan to cover their mortgage. Diana says she isnt sure how involved Davey Boy got with Hermesh's criminal activities and she genuinely doesn't want to know.
Diana talks about about this Hermish person and says he is the one who got Davey hooked on coke and how this Hermish guy would brag about slitting a guys throat in Germany. Hermish Erach Austin would later be convicted to life in prison after he tortured and murdered some poor fellow, incorrectly believing he stole $10,000 from him. Austin crushed the man's hands in a vice, his ears cut off with scissors and the soles of his feet burned with a blow torch, all while this poor man begged and pleaded for his life. Austin then drove him a few miles out of Calgary where he slit his throat and shot him in the head before burrying him. A few years later one of his accomplices would flip on him and tell the police everything, leading to his arrest and sentencing. Diana expands on this a bit in her book, saying that she thinks Hermesh killed around 50 people.
Diana says Jim Neidhart is the most wicked man she ever met and calls him a moster. Jim married her sister Ellie, and says Jim left her body bruised and lumpy from years of being her punching bag.
Diana actually talks about Ellie dating a man named John who was her soulmate. They dated for 4 years until her family convinced Ellie she needed to leave him because he was paralyzed and in a wheelchair. Apparently Stu and Helen hated seeing Ellie push him around and said a girl as pretty as her shouldn't be doing that. They also hated that John couldn't have kids so Ellie wouldn't give them grandchildren if she stayed with him. Diana then casually mentions how Ellie broke up with John after he made a pass at their sister Alison.
Diana says that Jim Neidhart was on a University scholarship for Shot Put, but was eventually expelled after he tried to extort the school for money. He didn't go to class and demanded money in exchange for him being on the shot put team. He was tossed in jail and expelled.
After thir 3rd child, doctors informed Ellie that she would have to have her tubes tied. It sounds like Stu and Helen were heartbroken over this and Jim was furious because he wanted a son.
Diana says Jim would go on the.road for a couple weeks and only leave Ellie with $10 and order her not to leave the house.
Diana says Jim was doping Ellie's drinks and rping her every night. She says that Jim would teach this "trick" to Davey Boy. Diana also says the repeated rping left Ellie with bad hemeroids and she could never afford the cream to treat it.
Diana says Davey Boy knocked some other girl up just a few weeks before they got married. She later says that Alison's husband Ben moved in with a girl named Monique, and Diana says that Monique later claimed to get knocked up by Davey Boy before Diana married him. I'm unsure if Diana is referring to the same person here, or if Davey Boy knocked someone up and another girl also claimed to have been knocked up the same time.
Diana and Davey Boy moved to Florida in the early 90s where her sister Ellie and Jim Neidhart were as well. This is where Diana says that Davey Boy started drugging and r*ping her. She says that Duke "The Dumpster" Droesse showed Davey how to make liquid GHB (Gamma-hydroxybutyrate) to "help with sleeping." She was confused why she had hemeroids and was waking up sore and with bruises. When she explained this to Ellie, Ellie just casually said "That's what Jim would do to me."
Diana says Bruce's wife Andrea would drink and smoke pot and do drugs through all her pregnancies. Really helps explain their 3rd child being born 2 months premature and nearly dying.
Diana says that Andrea was getting pregnant again and again and again with hopes of Helen and Stu giving her and Bruce the Hart House.
Diana says Davey Boy failed a WWF drug test in early 1992 for Ecstacy and MDMA. She says Vince told Davey that he would wind up killing himself if he continued down this road.
Diana puts over her preformance leading up to the 1992 SummerSlam where Davey Boy and Bret wrestled in the main event. She says that Vince McMahon asked Bret and Davey to come up with the finish on their own so he would be suprised. First time I've heard Vince doing this, I think Diana got worked by someone here.
Diana remembers seeing Davey Boy after the match and him asking her how the match was because he couldn't remember it. She thought he was joking initially.
Diana compares Davey Boy being fired to Bret winning the WWE title following their match. Davey was fired after Ultimate Warror ratted on Davey Boy to the Drug Enforcement Agency. Vince apparently told Davey that he would hire him back once things cooled down. She legitimately believes that Davey Boy would have won the WWF title instead of Bret, had he not been fired.
Diana says Davey Boy and WWF battled over legal rights to the Bulldog name. Diana is bitter and points out how Vince still sold Bulldog merchandise after he fired Davey and they never saw a dime.
Diana says Davey Boy hated working for WCW and calls out Vader for being reckless in his matches with Davey.
Diana randomly says that she finds Sting to be overrated.
Diana talks about the event at a bar in July 1993, where Davey Boy alledgedly assaulted someone for hitting in Diana. She describes it as Davey putting some drunk asshole in a front face lock, and walking him over to the bounces to let him go. She says when Davey let him go, the man fell and hit his head. Eye witness accounts claim that Davey Boy just picked the guy up and spiked him down on his head. Diana vehemently denies this claim, calling it impossible. The man would sue Davey Boy and risk sending him to jail for a serious assault charge. Diana says while tye judge eventually ruled in their favor, it cost her and the Hart Family over $500,000 in legal fees.
Diana says WCW used the pending lawsuit and legal battles to withhold a bonus they promised him. She says at one point in a meeting, Eric Bishoff pulled out his false teeth, slapped them on the table and challenged Davey Boy to a legitimate fight over the money.
Diana says WCW let Davey Boy go after he failed a drug test and refused rehab.
When WWF reached out to Davey Boy in 1994 about returning, Diana claims Hulk Hogan called up Davey Boy to pitch him coming back to WCW and says Davey Boy struggled to pick where to go. She said Davey Boy really trusted Hogan but didn't trust WCW.
Diana says WWF wanted her to be a heel on the road with Davey Boy and cutting promos but Bret nixed the idea and pushed against it. She thinks Bret was afraid of having multiple family members in kayfabe shitting on him and what that would do to his reputation. Diana says the WWF was really impressed by her promo work.
She would do some valet work though for Davey Boy and Owen, Diana puts over that time as well as Jim Cornette who got involved as well.
Diana says that WWF wanted her to be an on screen heel who makes a move on Shawn Michaels, who turns her down. So she goes and tells Davey Boy that she turned down his advances to kickstart a big rivalry. Davey Boy hated the idea and Diana says that her parents and Bret talked her out of doing it. Though she does wonder if this could have been her big break and become a wrestling star.
Diana spends a chapter talking about the saddest tragedy in the entire Hart Famlily history, little Matt Hart. Allison and BJ's 13 year old son Matt contracted a rare and deadly flesh eating disease that tore through him in under 2 weeks before he passed away. Both Diana Hart and Nattie Neidhart talk about how disfigured Matt became before his death. Diana says the doctors told them that Matt was the sickest child in the country at that time.
Diana spends a chapter taking about Owen and Martha Hart, and all but calls Martha a ring rat. No one has ever made that claim about Martha as far as I know.
Diana randomly brings up how Martha's sister Virginia had an affair with her son's hockey coach. She says Owen wanted nothing to do with Martha's sister.
Diana says that Owen fell in love with some girl in England named Louisa, and that Owen confided to Diana that he wanted to leave Martha and that Louisa was everything he wanted. Diana says Martha "wouldn't have it" before describing how Martha manipulated Owen into staying with her. She says that Owen had never broken up with a girl and didn't want to hurt her. Diana says that Owen told her, "I just can't hurt her, so I'll live with it then. Christ."
Diana calls Martha "a dominating and controlling partner in their relationship."
Diana describes how Martha's aunt got too drunk at Owen/Martha's wedding.
Diana says Martha was always victimizing herself and making Owen feel like he needed to take care of her.
Diana says that while on the road with Owen in 1995, he confided to her how unhappy he was with his marriage and specifically calls out Martha's mother who was living with Martha and Owen. Diana says Martha's mother had a big drinking problem.
Diana says that none of the Hart's were invited to Owen Hart's son's christening and Diana says Helen was especially hurt. Owen defended this by claiming they wouldn't have bothered to even show up on time.
Diana says Martha didn't want to tell the Hart's when she was pregnant because Martha believed it would curse her baby.
Diana says that Davey Boy tried morphine for the first time the weekend of the Calgary Stampede show in 1997. She says she heard about this from her son Harry because Davey Boy decided to confide about using morphine to his 13 year old son.
Diana randomly shades Ken Shamrock, calling him out for having a ton from stripper girlfriends in Calgary, while always pretending to be a devoted family man.
When Davey Boy and Shawn Michaels headlined the One Night Only ppv in September 1997, Diana says that Bret was furious that he wasn't main eventing. She says Bret made a big stink over it and even threatened to quit the company.
Diana says she first figured out Davey had a drug problem on Halloween in 1997 when Davey was suffering from withdrawl and couldn't even sit up on his own one night.
Diana criticizes Bret, calling him a hypocrite for not trusting Vince while Bret was secretly wearing a wire and recording their conversations. She is referring to the Wrestling with Shadow's documentary crew and how Bret was mic'd.
Diana remembers being at the show for the Montreal Screwjob and how Davey Boy thought it was weird how Vince wasn't wearing a big suit like he usually does.
Diana says that Davey Boy hurt his knee during the post-match kerfuffle.
Diana repeats a claim that Bruce Hart made in his book, that Bret disowned Owen as a brother following the Montreal screwjob. Bruce and Diana both say that Bret was furious when Owen didnt quit WWF and was given a massive raise instead. Diana even says she remembers Bret screaming, "That fucking Martha! She's got Owen so fucking p*ssy-whipped! Fuck her, she doesn't know what she is talking about, she doesn't unsterstand the wrestling business!" Bruce Hart maintained in his book that Bret and Owen never really talked again or repaired their relationship before Owen died. Bret denies this and describes tons of times him amd Owen kept up following the Screwjob.
Diana says that Owen got tired of Bret calling him all the time and says Owen eventually told Bret, "I'm sick of you, I'm sick of all this." She says Owencjust wanted to retire to a remote place where no one knows his or the Hart name. She remembers all he wanted was for people to leave Martha and him alone.
Diana says Bret never got over the Screwjob.
Diana describes how Bret hounded Davey and her every day trying to get Davey to leave WWF just like Bret was doing by calling Owen and Martha daily.
Davey Boy's first WCW match back in 1998 was against Steve "Mondo" McMichael and Diana claims that Eric Bishoff told Davey Boy to break Steve's arm for real. Apparently Eric said he was tired of dealing with him.
Diana also says that backstage before the match, Arn Anderson told Mondo to go do some coke so he could preform better. She says Davey Boy was mortified by the lack of care to the wrestlers in WCW.
Diana says Davey Boy immediately regretted jumping to WCW and says Bret refused to help him backstage or with his booking. Diana remembers a day when Davey Boy broke down crying at the dinner table, saying how he shouldn't have left Vince and how he hates Bret.
By mid-1998, Diana says Davey was "like a vegetable," and described how he just laid on the couch all day and needed help doing everything other than using the bathroom or shooting up.
Diana says he family didn't believe her when she tried to confide to them about how bad Davey was. Diana says she was told that she was being hysterical.
Diana describes how she would use a water pistol on Davey Boy when he became despondent and her sisters would act like she is abusing him. She describes how tough it was to keep care of big Davey Boy when his body would shut down.
Diana remembers how her kids would ask her why their dad has sores all over his arms and why he behaves like a zombie.
Diana says Davey Boy became a "public embarrassment."
It was Friday night in early December when Diana remembers watching Edward Sissor Hand with her son Harry while Davey spent the day shooting up morphine and being a vegetable on the couch. She says after she put Harry to sleep, she wrote a letter to herself and then got worked up and wanted to confront Davey. He was passed out in bed, so a manic Diana grabbed a bottle of Xanax and downed what she thinks to be 100 pills. She told Davey if he loves her he will call an ambulance for her. She watched as he struggled to sit up and realized she doesn't want to die. She called 911 and confessed what she done and they told her to get dressed, unlock the door for the ambulance and lay down.
Diana says her heart stopped 4 times on the way to the hospital.
Keith Hart says Diana was never the same after her suicide attempt and that she was a shadow of herself.
Diana says her mother Helen was more concerned about some party she was planning in a few weeks and wanted to know if Diana could make it. Diana also says Helen told her not to tell anyone what happened to her.
Diana says her brother Keith confided to her afterwards that Davey is "as bad as Elvis" when it comes to his drug problems.
Diana also remembers her brother Owen Hart lecturing her about never doing that again because she would have been leaving her kids with a drug addict.
Diana says she filed for divorce in January 1999, and with the help of her brother Bret Hart and his wife Julie, the 3 of them confronted Davey over all his issues and eventually got him to agree to rehab and Diana agreed to put off any divorce for now.
Diana claims that Davey Boy would cheat on her with nurses from the rehab clinic.
Diana says Davey checked himself out of rehab a week early, citing kidney problems that no doctors agreed were actually present. She says he then tried to fake every illness or sickness he could to get administered to a hospital where they would give him drugs.
Diana says she desperately called WWF in 1998 and asked if they would hire her as a valet/manager, and she even pitched working with Owen. She says Owen later scolded her for this and told her she shouldn't get involved in wrestling and that it would only make her more unhappy.
Shockingly enough, Davey would get his wish when he got a legit staph infection and had to go to the hospital. Diana remembers watching the nurses or doctors struggle to find a vein on Davey.
The doctors told Davey that his career was over, and Diana says "this eclipsed Bret's retirement," but this was 1998, and Bret hadn't retired yet. I'm not sure what she means.
Diana says WCW released hum by fax while Davey was in the hospital for over a month. Diana says Owen got Davey back in touch with the WWF and claims that Vince promised Davey a job even if he couldn't wrestle.
Diana says she and her kids were watching the 1999 Over The Edge ppv by coincidence because Diana wanted to get up to speed on WWF storylines as Davey was heading back. She said she stepped away for a few minutes before a TSN reporter called her and asked about Owen's condition and that they were praying for him. After she hung up, her son Harry came running over, saying something happened to Owen.
Diana says that Stu called her first to tell her Owen died because of how close she and Owen were.
Diana said she later found out that Bret spent that night at Martha's to console her. But she hints at an affair which is just wild, though she tries to cover her ass by saying "I'm sure it was platonic, but" before ranting about how Bret manipulated Martha into wanting to sue Vince.
Diana says she spoke to Vince McMahon on the phone the morning of Owen's funeral, and she puts over how compassionate and loving Vince was.
Diana says that Bret will kill her for saying this, but she believes Owen Hart was like a son to Vince McMahon.
Diana says that only Bret and Ross were allowed to speak at the funeral and is very upset that her parents weren't asked to speak. Their older brother Smith wrote a lovely poem that he had hoped to say, as well as Bruce and Ellie, both hopeful they would be allowed to speak. Like Bret, Diana featured Smith's poem in her book and some of what Bruce and Ellie would have said. But Bruce mentioned in his book how he wanted to use Owen's funeral as a platform to make some passionate speech that he believed would bring Vince and Bret and the whole world together.
Diana says that Martha didn't thank Diana during Martha's speech at the funeral. Martha thanked each of Owen's siblings, except Diana. Diana says that later, Bret would bring this up and tell her that Owen thought Diana was useless and didn't like her.
Diana gave an interview to the Calgary Sun, where she said that Vince feels awful and called Owen's death an accident. She said Bret later called her screaming about how that undermines the investigation and accusing her of trying to get her and Davey jobs with WWF.
Diana says that Bret threatened to kill her during that call and promised that if he saw her on the street, he would run her down with her car. He then threatened to publish articles about Davey being a drug addict and Diana's suicide attempt. At the time, Bret had a weekly column in the Calgary Sun about whatever he felt like. Though, Bruce Hart claims to have written most of it until a jealous Bret fired him.
Diana says that Bret was adamant that Vince intentionally killed Owen that night, and there was nothing accidentally about it.
Diana remembers her sister saying that Owen's death would hit Diana and Bruce hardest since they were closest to Owen.
Diana says she tried to bury the hatchet with Martha after the funeral, but Martha's mom wouldn't let Diana in the house and told her, "Martha doesn't need anything from you."
Diana says Davey Boy fumbled every opportunity WWE gave him after Owen died, and one cold night in late 1999, she caught him injecting morphine into his arm. He tearfully begged her not to tell Vince.
Diana remembers her sister Ellie stopping by while Davey Boy was passed out on the couch. Diana pulled back his sleeves to show Ellie all his track marks from needle injections.
Diana served Davey Boy divorce papers in January 2000, and she remembers her parents berating her choice to leave him. She specifically remembers Stu saying to her, "You're no spring chicken!"
Diana says she told called Vince McMahon herself and told him about Davey's drug problem. Vince ordered Davey into rehab, and Diana remembers getting dozens of manic phone calls a day from Davey and how they terrified her.
Diana was dating and not wanting to be secretive about, told Davey Boy. She claims Davey reached out to some of his criminal friends, and her new date started getting phone call death threats.
Diana bought herself a place to stay away from Davey, but when Davey checked himself out of rehab, he moved right into Diana's place. She said she called the cops and was advised to leave. She had nowhere to go and moved in with that guy she was seeing.
Around the time WWF finally released him, Diana says Davey Boy, and some accomplice showed up at her boyfriends place with a tire iron and ski masks on, but the building security stopped them
Diana says Davey would regularly shoot up morphine in front of the kids.
Diana says Davey Boy OD'd 6 times from March to September in 2000.
Diana says she didn't care that Davey Biy was dating, but shocked when she found out Davey Boy and Bruce Hart's young wife were having an affair together. Diana says Bruce asked her to take Davey Boy back so that Bruce's wife Andrea would have to go back to Bruce.
Diana says Davey Boy threatened to "bootf*ck" her and her new boyfriend and threatened to slit her throat.
Once, Davey actually broke her door down, so she called 911 and remembers how one of the cops actually asked Davey for an autograph.
Diana points out how Martha dropped all contact with the Hart's after the Owen lawsuit and notes how Martha says whatever mean things she wants now, despite the fact that Stu and Helen paid her legal fees.
Diana ends her chapter on Owen and Martha by casually suggesting the Hart's should sue Martha.
Diana says at a WWF show in 2001, she ran into Owen's old valet, Deborah, who screamed at her for using the talent bathroom, saying that no one wants to catch whatever Diana has. Diana assumes Deborah was threatened by her when she saw Diana talking to Deborah's husband, Steve Austin. This is such a random little story she brought up at the very end of her book.
The book ends with Diana mentioning the RAW show in Calgary in 2001, where she and Bruce dragged Stu to the show after Bret and Martha asked them not to go. She says Bruce purposely sat her behind someone so the camera wouldn't see her. Smith got on camera with a sign that said, "Hi Bret."
She says Bret came to the house afterward and took baby pictures of Owen off the wall while yelling at them all for being selfish. She says Martha called the house and screamed at Helen, telling her to go to hell! Both of these have more or less been confirmed to have happened. Martha and Bret asked them not to go to the WWF show, with Stu and Helen both agreeing. But Bruce and Diana showed up the day of the show and literally dragged Stu to the show. Poor Helen didn't go and still got yelled at for it.
The book ends with her saying she is close to her kids and living with her boyfriend still.
She wrote this book before Davey Boy's death so we don't get any details there and I would have loved to hear some since Davey Boy was still with Andrea when he died, though Diana claims that Davey Boy reached out to her, just days before he passed, hoping to reconnect.
Both Andrea and Diana put on separate funerals, and Bruce said in his book that they were trying to outdo the other one. I would have loved to hear Diana's take on that.
Diana Hart went on record, saying that the book twisted her words and had been changed from how she written them originally. Though when Martha initially threatened legal action, Diana was quoted as saying, "Martha has money to fight me on it, and I don't. I know what I have written is true."
Tom "Dynamite Kid" Billington confirmed most of the stories involving him in the book are true. Why would anyone admit to what Diana said about him?
Co-wroter Kristie McLellan has stated that Diana Hart took her on "an amazing journey" when writing the book. Kristie continued her writing career, including helping pen one of the best sports books I've ever read, "Playing With Fire," the story of Theo Fleury of the Calgary Flames. I can't believe she helped write both of these books. One is in the top 5 sports books, and the other is in the bottom 5 books of all time for me.
Bret had publicly expressed skepticism to Diana's claim of ignorance on the book.
Diana actually went on to write a trilogy of romance novels that were well regarded and won some awards. Diana calls this book "a failure as a journey."
Diana still does the odd appearances and anything to help promote her dad and family, and in 2015, she sold all the rights to the British Bulldog to her son Harry. She seems close with all her siblings these days, except Bret.
I hope to find Martha Hart's book next, and then I think that would be the last of the Hart Family books that I've been looking for over the past year. Big thanks again to the users who helped me out with this book!

(Pre-hello there; I just want to let it be known that I am an 18-year-old autistic female.) Hello there; you know, I didn't really know who to go to for this, but yeah. So I just wanted to talk to someone about this. You see, the past few months haven't been that great for me. I've tried to hide it, and it's gotten better, but it always comes back and hits hard. So, about two years ago, I started to have a crush on my classmate. She's cute, kind, and all around really cool. I finally made a move and talked to her, and we talked a decent amount. Over the past summer, the first "bad thing" happened: I got a random message from a random number. Creepy messages were sent to me as well as a photo of a meme that reminded me of a girl, so I messaged and asked, but it was declined. The creepy guy sends my full name (which the majority of my friends don't even know) and more personal things. I start to feel uncomfortable, and then for an hour and a half, this creepy guy sends creepy messages. I, of course, just keep responding, "Who are you?" and "How do you know me?" After some time, I learn he lives in a different country. Eventually, I started to break down in tears because I felt overwhelmed. The whole time I was on a call with my friends, and then they started laughing at me for crying over this. I understand the stupidity of the situation in hindsight, but it felt like shit (excuse my language). During the messages, the creepy guy denied everything I would say but also mentioned the girl a lot, even asking if I liked her romantically, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. The truth is, I still kind of did, but I said no. After a while, a girl messaged me and said, "It was just a prank; a creepy guy is with me." This made me pissed, and I started to break further into tears talking out of pure emotion. I just rambled about how that was messed up to do as it genuinely terrified me. My friends were on the girl's side, and I felt all alone. I then went to sleep. Then nothing happened for a while. I talked things over with the girl, and things were fine. I entered this new school year happy and full of life. I had quit video games, I had started learning the guitar, and I started writing poems. I felt good. But this started going downhill about a week into school. My friend of six years, let us call him Tyler started being a b**** (excuse my language). He would act very sarcastic in every feasible situation, and this was only towards me. My other friend, let's call her Pema, would be treated great by him, and they got along great. I would talk to him about one thing, and he would respond like an absolute pissbaby. (Maybe this is me misreading him, but idk.) Due to him treating me this way, I started to feel worse, but I powered through and kept it inside so he wouldn't be worse, but eventually Pema started treating me terribly to whom both I have been friends for 6 years. Eventually one of the girl's friends walks up to me during the morning at school and says the girl likes you and stuff like that. Of course, I felt extremely hesitant about this and just ignored the friend, choosing to just wait and ask about it later that day. That friend was practically on my shoulder talking to me all day and asking stupid lovey-dovey questions. When I got home, I messaged a girl, telling her what happened, and she said it's true. I felt very hesitant to respond, but eventually I said that I felt the same way. We talked till like 1 a.m. on the phone, both learning that we have had a crush on each other for the two years we've known each other. During this time, everything felt perfect. My friends and girl got along; they eventually became her friends. We talked, had group chats, and went on dates. My friends were being nice for the first time that whole year, and I felt on top of the world. Although the dates were mainly just talking, I was fine with that almost every date her friend, let's call him Dan, would come along (fyi, Dan is gay; they weren't having a relationship). I didn't really like that Dan was there because it kind of felt like they talked and I was just there. I would hold hands or lay and cuddle, but I felt excluded, but I was happy. As time goes on, everything goes well. It was my first relationship, so I was learning and she was teaching. It was about this time I left the group chat, as it was just them spamming tiktoks and stuff. The thing I did notice was that it wasn't really working. She had almost no similar interests to mine, but I thought I could change to make it work. But then, after roughly a month of the relationship, she went to a concert. After it, I messaged her and asked how it was, and after one hour, I woke up to a message saying (I'm typing word per word of the screenshot) "my name. I'm so sorry; I really think our relationship was forced. We don't have anything in common; we are completely different people with completely different interests. I don't think I loved you; I think I liked the feeling of being loved. I'm so incredibly sorry, and I really hope you feel the same. I want you to know you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in person; I didn't have the heart either. If you don't want to be friends, then I'm cool with that. If you hate me, I'm not surprised, and that's completely understandable. Again, I'm so sorry. have a nice night." When I saw this, I'll admit I felt hurt. I had never tried a relationship because I thought relationships were stupid, and then my first one ended so quickly. But I understand, and I wasn't angry. I saw she still wanted to be friends, and so did I, so I was going to continue to be friends, so I replied, "Your okay, don't worry." "I don't hate you at all, I completely understand," "bbut yeah, I think we were always better off just friends," and then wished her good luck on our exam. To that, I got no response. I told Tyler, and he started saying bad things about her, and to that, I defended her. I told Pema, and she said bad things about me. Over the next few days, I heard nothing from Pema, and Tyler "comforted" me, because yeah, I did in fact feel like absolute shit. My emotional health has never been quite as great as it spirals downhill when something bad starts to happen, but I kept a good grip. I tried to talk to the girl, but she was busy. I walked to her during dismissal and talked to her, but she didn't respond and ignored me. I know this now, but I did not pick up on it at all. At the time, I just thought her day wasn't going well, so I messaged her when I got home. I said, "Hey, is everything okay?" to which I got no response. I began to worry, and so for four days I just kept trying to talk with her and ask if she was okay. But eventually I just gave up. I secluded myself. Pema was still being a jerk. Tyler had gone back to being a pissbaby, and it made me feel like shit. I started overthinking, which for me is never good. I started thinking that I am a problem and no one will ever care for me. Eight days later, I got a message that made me contemplate. I had gotten out of the shower and checked my phone, and I got a message from a girl. I rushed to check if she was okay, but what I read brought me to tears to the point where I had to sit down. I quote girl, "No, actually, the complete opposite." Can you just leave me alone??? Stop following me, stop trying to get close to me, and stop staring at me. It's fucking weird. Don't try to deny it; it's so painfully obvious. Stop stalking me. Leave me and my friends alone. Just fuck off, bro. Fuck all the way off. I'm obviously not interested anymore. I've posted in my story numerous times about you in a negative way. The poem in the group chat was obviously about you. I know this hurts; it was meant to. Heartbreak feels so good when it's with you. You couldn't catch my eyes because I was rolling the dice. Keep me close, or let me go. Set me free and erase me from your memory. Lock me out and swallow the sadness. I cast a spell so I could cast you out. If I were a magician, you'd be the disappearing act. I'd rather shoot myself than shoot up with you. im the salt you are the would. I'm not heartbroken; I'm just pissed off. like, How did you not get the hint?". Okay, I'd like to start off by saying I never stalked her; I never followed or ever stared at her. Next, don't use social media, especially not Instagram, so I could not have seen her story, which I'm quite offended she posted about me. I also wasn't apart of the group chat anymore, so I never saw the trash ass (excuse me, please) poem. And finally, I didn't catch the hint because I'm not good at doing that. I'm sorry, I just wanted to defend myself. Eventually, after gaining composure, I said "alright" and then blocked her and removed our conversation. The following days, I felt like Piss still felt terrible, and this was in late October; it is early December now. You see, the problem is that my school is tiny, so every day I see her, and I don't know how to react, but I react internally like shit is starting to tear up. Pema had become friends with the girl and still is, and it feels like shit. Tyler has been a piece of sh*t ever since, and I feel like I'm alone and have no friends. I would make new ones, but I both don't know how, and the magnet program I'm in kind of hates me because I was a weird student in my freshman year, so I'm stuck. Help me with life, please. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

(Pre-hello there; I just want to let it be known that I am an 18-year-old autistic female.) Hello there; you know, I didn't really know who to go to for this, but yeah. So I just wanted to talk to someone about this. You see, the past few months haven't been that great for me. I've tried to hide it, and it's gotten better, but it always comes back and hits hard. So, about two years ago, I started to have a crush on my classmate. She's cute, kind, and all around really cool. I finally made a move and talked to her, and we talked a decent amount. Over the past summer, the first "bad thing" happened: I got a random message from a random number. Creepy messages were sent to me as well as a photo of a meme that reminded me of a girl, so I messaged and asked, but it was declined. The creepy guy sends my full name (which the majority of my friends don't even know) and more personal things. I start to feel uncomfortable, and then for an hour and a half, this creepy guy sends creepy messages. I, of course, just keep responding, "Who are you?" and "How do you know me?" After some time, I learn he lives in a different country. Eventually, I started to break down in tears because I felt overwhelmed. The whole time I was on a call with my friends, and then they started laughing at me for crying over this. I understand the stupidity of the situation in hindsight, but it felt like shit (excuse my language). During the messages, the creepy guy denied everything I would say but also mentioned the girl a lot, even asking if I liked her romantically, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. The truth is, I still kind of did, but I said no. After a while, a girl messaged me and said, "It was just a prank; a creepy guy is with me." This made me pissed, and I started to break further into tears talking out of pure emotion. I just rambled about how that was messed up to do as it genuinely terrified me. My friends were on the girl's side, and I felt all alone. I then went to sleep. Then nothing happened for a while. I talked things over with the girl, and things were fine. I entered this new school year happy and full of life. I had quit video games, I had started learning the guitar, and I started writing poems. I felt good. But this started going downhill about a week into school. My friend of six years, let us call him Tyler started being a b**** (excuse my language). He would act very sarcastic in every feasible situation, and this was only towards me. My other friend, let's call her Pema, would be treated great by him, and they got along great. I would talk to him about one thing, and he would respond like an absolute pissbaby. (Maybe this is me misreading him, but idk.) Due to him treating me this way, I started to feel worse, but I powered through and kept it inside so he wouldn't be worse, but eventually Pema started treating me terribly to whom both I have been friends for 6 years. Eventually one of the girl's friends walks up to me during the morning at school and says the girl likes you and stuff like that. Of course, I felt extremely hesitant about this and just ignored the friend, choosing to just wait and ask about it later that day. That friend was practically on my shoulder talking to me all day and asking stupid lovey-dovey questions. When I got home, I messaged a girl, telling her what happened, and she said it's true. I felt very hesitant to respond, but eventually I said that I felt the same way. We talked till like 1 a.m. on the phone, both learning that we have had a crush on each other for the two years we've known each other. During this time, everything felt perfect. My friends and girl got along; they eventually became her friends. We talked, had group chats, and went on dates. My friends were being nice for the first time that whole year, and I felt on top of the world. Although the dates were mainly just talking, I was fine with that almost every date her friend, let's call him Dan, would come along (fyi, Dan is gay; they weren't having a relationship). I didn't really like that Dan was there because it kind of felt like they talked and I was just there. I would hold hands or lay and cuddle, but I felt excluded, but I was happy. As time goes on, everything goes well. It was my first relationship, so I was learning and she was teaching. It was about this time I left the group chat, as it was just them spamming tiktoks and stuff. The thing I did notice was that it wasn't really working. She had almost no similar interests to mine, but I thought I could change to make it work. But then, after roughly a month of the relationship, she went to a concert. After it, I messaged her and asked how it was, and after one hour, I woke up to a message saying (I'm typing word per word of the screenshot) "my name. I'm so sorry; I really think our relationship was forced. We don't have anything in common; we are completely different people with completely different interests. I don't think I loved you; I think I liked the feeling of being loved. I'm so incredibly sorry, and I really hope you feel the same. I want you to know you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in person; I didn't have the heart either. If you don't want to be friends, then I'm cool with that. If you hate me, I'm not surprised, and that's completely understandable. Again, I'm so sorry. have a nice night." When I saw this, I'll admit I felt hurt. I had never tried a relationship because I thought relationships were stupid, and then my first one ended so quickly. But I understand, and I wasn't angry. I saw she still wanted to be friends, and so did I, so I was going to continue to be friends, so I replied, "Your okay, don't worry." "I don't hate you at all, I completely understand," "bbut yeah, I think we were always better off just friends," and then wished her good luck on our exam. To that, I got no response. I told Tyler, and he started saying bad things about her, and to that, I defended her. I told Pema, and she said bad things about me. Over the next few days, I heard nothing from Pema, and Tyler "comforted" me, because yeah, I did in fact feel like absolute shit. My emotional health has never been quite as great as it spirals downhill when something bad starts to happen, but I kept a good grip. I tried to talk to the girl, but she was busy. I walked to her during dismissal and talked to her, but she didn't respond and ignored me. I know this now, but I did not pick up on it at all. At the time, I just thought her day wasn't going well, so I messaged her when I got home. I said, "Hey, is everything okay?" to which I got no response. I began to worry, and so for four days I just kept trying to talk with her and ask if she was okay. But eventually I just gave up. I secluded myself. Pema was still being a jerk. Tyler had gone back to being a pissbaby, and it made me feel like shit. I started overthinking, which for me is never good. I started thinking that I am a problem and no one will ever care for me. Eight days later, I got a message that made me contemplate. I had gotten out of the shower and checked my phone, and I got a message from a girl. I rushed to check if she was okay, but what I read brought me to tears to the point where I had to sit down. I quote girl, "No, actually, the complete opposite." Can you just leave me alone??? Stop following me, stop trying to get close to me, and stop staring at me. It's fucking weird. Don't try to deny it; it's so painfully obvious. Stop stalking me. Leave me and my friends alone. Just fuck off, bro. Fuck all the way off. I'm obviously not interested anymore. I've posted in my story numerous times about you in a negative way. The poem in the group chat was obviously about you. I know this hurts; it was meant to. Heartbreak feels so good when it's with you. You couldn't catch my eyes because I was rolling the dice. Keep me close, or let me go. Set me free and erase me from your memory. Lock me out and swallow the sadness. I cast a spell so I could cast you out. If I were a magician, you'd be the disappearing act. I'd rather shoot myself than shoot up with you. im the salt you are the would. I'm not heartbroken; I'm just pissed off. like, How did you not get the hint?". Okay, I'd like to start off by saying I never stalked her; I never followed or ever stared at her. Next, don't use social media, especially not Instagram, so I could not have seen her story, which I'm quite offended she posted about me. I also wasn't apart of the group chat anymore, so I never saw the trash ass (excuse me, please) poem. And finally, I didn't catch the hint because I'm not good at doing that. I'm sorry, I just wanted to defend myself. Eventually, after gaining composure, I said "alright" and then blocked her and removed our conversation. The following days, I felt like Piss still felt terrible, and this was in late October; it is early December now. You see, the problem is that my school is tiny, so every day I see her, and I don't know how to react, but I react internally like shit is starting to tear up. Pema had become friends with the girl and still is, and it feels like shit. Tyler has been a piece of sh*t ever since, and I feel like I'm alone and have no friends. I would make new ones, but I both don't know how, and the magnet program I'm in kind of hates me because I was a weird student in my freshman year, so I'm stuck. Help me with life, please. Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.
(EDITED TO FIX GRAMMAR)

So to start this all i have to give you some information about myself:
Me (M19) have'nt had a good life until now, i've had a hard childhood and every breakup/ rejection has killed some kind of hope i have to be happy one day and traumatized me in the long run, which has taken lots of time to heal (4 years for the last one, aka till march of this year).
Apostrophes may be misplaced and there may be some minor grammar issues bcs its not my main language.
​
*The Vanishing*
Now that you know all this we can begin. Two months ago i met a wonderful woman (F29), we understood each other right of the bat. Early on she told me about how her fiance of 8 years cheated on her multiple times, physically abused her and the breakup which caused severe BPD. We talked about mental as well as physical problems we've had openly and understanding. Both of us were flirty and soon on the romantic side. A few weeks after we meet i told her that i loved her (yes, it was early but i wear my heart on my sleeves), she was flattered. She told me she needed time to be ready to date again and i didnt push it, but told her that i would continue that way and when shes ready, she tells me. I wrote her poems, she drew me art (shes a talented artist). I told her that i did'nt mind the age gap and we could work around it, ensured her i would'nt be like her ex, that id be there for her bla bla bla. We talked for 5-8 hours a day for two weeks until she vanished for weeks without notice. Without a clue on a happy morning, that we talked the night through, her sending NSFW pics and complimenting each other all the time. I was devastated and soon fell back into my depressive patterns of not eating, sleeping, drinking and just smoking tobacco and weed for 48 hours, then sleep 13 hours, drinking 2-4 liters the next 2 hours when i woke up, eating kilos of snacks one day a week and rarely eating between. I searched up if it was normal for people with BPD (it is very normal apparently). So i start thinking, that its an explanation and no excuse and if she comes back, to talk to her, give her one more chance and see if we can rekindle the mood and trust we had.
​
*The Painful Return*
Weeks later she came back with a call at 2AM and several text messages. She was happy i did'nt block her or hold any grudge. We spent the evening talking about things like how she will never ghost me again, because she could only think of me all that time and watching videos and reading articles about a relationship with a BPD woman, to which she said that if i still wanted her afterwards, we will make a plan. Sh also told me, that she kind of liked, how i fell for her, how i wrote poems and was there for her unconditionally Afterwards we had more talks flirting, having fun and her genuinely engaging in my advances. Over text she sometimes seemed insecure, as far as telling me things as: "you deserve something better", to which i always said things like, that i do'nt care if i deserve something better, that i wanted her and no one else. 5 days ago she told me, that she most likely had Breastcancer and i told her, i will be there for her and love her even if her breasts had to be removed during the treatment, but until it was officially diagnosed to hope the best. (she was sure of it because its normal in her family). That day i officially asked her out the first time and she was ecstatic, saying that we had to pick a day for the date that evening (it was already 5 in the morning again). She ended the call with a "Love you too" for the first time. I was happy too to finally have a blossoming and happy relationship and someone who loved me for who i am. She became cold and distant again that day and i just thought to be patient with her, as we had agreed on, when we talked about how to handle those phases. I got one word answers, if i even got one. Two days ago she dropped the bomb with a text i will never forget and has me, an emotionally numb person for sad emotions, nearly tearing up: "I don't want to date anyone your age. I do'nt want to date you." Being honest: it broke me and i vented to a friend who had gotten out of a similar relationship a few months ago. She had told me, that she may split (take things as aggravating, that obviously are'nt) or say things to push me away, so i assumed it would be that.
​
*Fallout*
Today she seemed happier, ready to text more and generaly more happy. We texted and she told me, that she would be drinking the pain away, because she isnt where she wants to be in life right now. Later on i asked her for a call, to talk about serious stuff, to which she said, that she had made her decision. I said i hoped i was at least that much worth to her, that she could tell me in a call and not over text. An argument ensued, in which i got fed up, asking her, why she accepted my advances, telling me things like, that she'd fudge me, if you know what i mean, that shed love me too and mayn other things. She straight out claimed, that she did'nt say those things and i appareantly dont have much experience with close friendships (i do'nt), because its normal there. Correct me but i think that's BS. I became angry and had a meltdown over text and asked things like: "Is there someone else?" and many more vile things i do'nt remember anymore. I never insulted her tho i was not accepting no as an answer and was genuinly angry at her for giving me hope and then killing it. Her response? Silence and then a block. I was angry, i assaulted the punching bag we had with my fists until they were bloodied and even feared my neighbors may hear my enraged screams. Then i calmed down to those messages:
[02:08, 27.8.2023] there's no one
[02:08, 27.8.2023] I just stated
[02:08, 27.8.2023] what I want
[02:08, 27.8.2023] what's the problem
[02:09, 27.8.2023] ????
[02:09, 27.8.2023] what is so important after I told u u what I want and need right now
​
I was calm again at this point with this and answered with this mammoth of an apology:
​
[02:24, 27.8.2023] Okay
We won't get this sorted out.
I feel hurt, because of every hope you gave me and every way you engaged in things I said.
And you won't admit you said/ did them.
So either I was talking to you everytime you were drunk or at least a bit slashed.
The talk about the dream for example or you wanting me to be a vtuber so you could (quote:) "have you for myself and be the only one to fuck me."
The time you said you wanted to connect with me and no horny.
Such things you may say weren't true.
But I admit I overreacted there.
I admit I behaved like a paranoid asshole earlier and being an asshole and ruining your day.
I admit I wasn't behaving right, I'm just heartbroken and feel betrayed.
I hoped you could at least tell me in a call or something in that direction.
I don't want you to accept my behavior I just ask you to understand, how I feel.
I'm sorry I love you and I'm sorry I was blinded by it.
So yeah, you don't need to forgive me, please just understand me being hurt.
[02:34, 27.8.2023] also i want to apologize for bringing it up again and not accepting it.
i was shocked and didnt want to believe it, but that's an explanation and no excuse
[02:35, 27.8.2023] you love and dont love who you want, i just wanted it to be me.
bad to be selfish, hm?
​
And to close it, here is her response:
​
[02:40, 27.8.2023] The thing is I say to my friends I want to fuck them, I don't know I told u that or whatever but that's not the point, I've been clear days ago and I don't think ur selfish or whatever, ur just trying to hang on to a threat that Is gonna break, I told u how I feel, it's clear that u don't have a lot of experiences of being close friends with anyone, and I get that, but stop being so concerned about the fact that I want or don't want to be with u, I told u I won't be, so, if u don't want to be friends that's fine with me
​
I think i should leave or i might break, but i dont want to lose such an amazing woman.
I'm sorry i cannot give more texts from my fits, but tbh i deleted her and nearly blocked her after a farewell from me, but did'nt go through, because i at least wanted to hear her out. Right now we are on friendly terms again, but i feel just empty and betrayed.
So TLDR: I meet someone, she gives me hope and then tells me, i was always just her friend and nothing more, so i throw a tantrum.
Am I The Jerk?
​
Update:
I have chosen to leave and most likely not come back for many reasons. And for anyone who says, that she may have said, that shes not romanticly interested: I think her last message show, what her tone with her friends is. Also she never said it directly, if she said something negative it was just like saying youre insecure; so things like: "You know, my fiance back then said, that he could have lived so much more without me." That was an instance where i said: "but im not him, i dont want to live more, if its without you." Thats one example of situations, where she apparently said, she didnt want to date me. I also was'nt manipulative, if i was, i was just being honest and romantic (at least i tried to be romantic). One of the reasons, i felt betrayed; i always reassured her, that she could be loved again, while she said, that she needed time to be ready again.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, as I recently found out (I know I’m late) that Karlie got married in 2018, as Taylor was ending the reputation tour. Before I start I just wanna say I don’t know anymore who Lover’s muse (and rep, and thus folkmore) was and I welcome everyone’s opinions whether you think it was Karlie, Dianna, Lily or even Joe, or anyone else. I won’t really be focusing on “who is the muse”, but more on the era in itself so everyone’s welcome here and I’d love to hear everyone thoughts
So two days ago I had a very interesting conversation with someone on this sub and we were talking about Lover and Rep, and I wanted to reflect on it a little bit and organize it as my comment was a little messy and rushed.
First of all, I think that *A LOT OF PEOPLE NOT EVERYONE* (but I personally do), agree on the fact that Lover is not a good album. There’s some excellent, excellent songs on it (it’s just my opinion though), and I think these are : Lover, Cruel Summer and Cornelia Street. You could argue that 3 excellent songs per album is not that bad, but the album has 18 songs, and Lover’s quality is very erratic. These 3 songs I mentioned are, in my opinion, excellent songs and the rest is ... mediocre at best, downright embarrassing at worst.
First, I want to talk about the single choices and the infamous lead single : ME!
Some people would argue this is a fun song, it’s fine, I don’t disagree but I think this was a terrible single choice. And a weird choice, moreover. It’s not *that* bad, it’s not horrible, but it’s not profound by any means, nothing about really is interesting. It’s a fun song, yes, but I think the reason why people don’t like it it’s because they can compare it with other “fun” songs like Shake it off or Blank Space, WANEGBT, and these songs have something ME don’t have : they’re satyric, and ironic, and funny. Blank Space really is one of her biggest “big brain galaxy/genius” moments in my opinion, and even if the song is not poetic or anything, it is brilliant. It’s brilliant as a concept perfectly executed, like 1989 as a whole but it deserves an analysis on its own. ME is not “funny”, I mean it is but because it’s kinda ridiculous, so not in a good way. It ended up being a joke in the fandom, which is definitely not what Taylor wanted.
ME also introduced the whole era aesthetic, and I have a loooot to say about the artistic direction of Lover. As I said in my comment, I think it’s such a weird choice considering who Taylor was at the time, what was her narrative post-rep era, and the statement she had made with Reputation. Reputation is an album about finding true love in the middle of chaos. Yes it’s rebellious, but it’s also sarcastic, fatalistic, and much more mature than any of her previous albums. Taylor finds herself in the darkest place, she finds her true love, she breaks her chains (*cough* glass closet *cough* ready for it) and allow herself to exist in the shadowed environment of Reputation (doesn’t this remind you of anything ? Midnights… etc…). And then we have… Lover. Lover that was supposed to be called “Daylight” but Taylor thought it was too “on the nose”, it’s funny to me cause honestly “Lover” isn’t much more subtle.
​
Now let me deep dive into the Lover era with a little bit of hindsight.
Taylor opens Lover with a foreword, and the first thing she talks about in that foreword is her childhood and teenagehood. She evokes her old diaries and high school memories : first day of school outfits and inspirational quotes she used to write in these diaries. She tells us about her first years of fame when she was practicing autographs, she talks about how she used to daydream and (and I quote) “muse” about who might ask who to dance. The first thing Taylor does is take us back to the past, and I think it’s worth noticing, because Lover is not an album about the “past”. It's just a common thing when you write something, it’s one of the first things I’ve learned when I took writing lessons : how to catch the reader’s attention. The reader's attention is focused on the first words of the sentence/paragraph. The first words of a novel are insanely important, same goes with music and poems. You want to emphasize what matters the most when you write something.
A concrete example with a quote from the first chapter of "Call me by your name" by André Aciman.
The book opens with these lines:

“Later!” The word, the voice, the attitude.

Why is this well written and why is it a good way to start the novel ? Because it emphasizes the expression “Later !” and that expression (trying not to spoil the novel lmao) will take a deeper meaning later on in the story. A bad way to write this passage would be, for example :
​

The word, the voice, the attitude.
“Later!”

It would have been less relevant. Back to Lover’s foreword : the first thing she mentions is the past, and she’s not talking about her early 20s or anything, she specifically mentions her childhood and teenagehood. Taylor uses this to introduce her to the alleged theme of the album : the things she “loves”. And she goes on, she talks about things she loves, still referencing the past. She mentions “wonderment”, intrigue, and romance. Then she talks about growing up and encountering (I quote) “the nuanced complexities of trying to figure out who to be, how to act or (remember this one) how to be happy”. She mentions anxiety, questioning life choices, learning from our mistakes.
And then she says “All the while, we crave romance.”
I think it’s pretty clear to anyone who is interested in Taylor’s music that Taylor is a hopeless romantic. She is in love with the idea of love, she continuously brings, from the beginning in her songs, the themes of love, fate, commitment, fidelity. She describes herself as a "blind optimist", in Speak Now, she talks of herself as being adventurous, reckless, fearless. And all of this in the name of love. So yeah, this line from the Lover’s foreword, makes sense, right ? Taylor Swift has been craving romance since forever.
She goes on and describes the said “romance” as “rare, enchanting moments” when things just “fall into place”, and she talks about the way she really, really thinks we want our lives to be filled with love. She says she wants to be defined by the things that she loves, not the things she’s afraid of, or the things that “haunts her in the middle of the night” (oh yeah ? doesn’t she want this ?). She wants (again, I quote her) her struggles to become inaudible background noise behind the loud, clear voices of those who love you and appreciate you. She wants to find “wonderment” in these things. Forgetting that pain ever existed. She doesn’t want to “overcome it”, she wants to forget it.
And then, she literally describes the album as a love letter to love itself, to all the “captivating, spellbinding, maddening, devastating, red, blue, gray, golden aspects of it”.
This is what Taylor told us to introduce us to “Lover”. And I think this is very interesting, considering the album that Lover turned out to be. She describes it as a “love letter” and I think it’s actually accurate, just like a love letter you’d write to someone you’re desperately in love with, it’s messy, all over the place, passionate, awkward, clumsy, full of love. That's really what Lover is if you remove the songs from the album that don't belong there, ie: The man, I forgot that you existed, YNTCD and Soon you'll get better. Not saying these songs are bad, I think "Soon you'll get better" is a very emotional song, but Taylor describes the album as a love letter, she said "romance" and the words are important, so in my opinion , if she wanted to be cohesive, she shouldn't have put these songs on this album.
The man is not a song about romance, YNTCD is not a song about romance it’s a song about haters, and I forgot that you existed isn’t either and is one of the worst opening tracks of her whole career imo. It just has... nothing to do with the theme of the album and it’s honestly mediocre.
Now, back to the core of the album, ignoring these four songs I’ve mentioned. We start with Cruel Summer and Lover which are in my opinion excellent songs, as I said before. Perfectly capturing what Lover should have been, and even though Lover is a beautiful song, it’s filled with an underlying anxiety that becomes hard to ignore once you notice it.
She starts the song with these lines :
​

We could leave the Christmas lights up 'til January
And this is our place, we make the rules
And there's a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear
Have I known you for twenty seconds or twenty years?

She's like, making propositions to her lover. We could leave the Christmas lights up til January, can't we ? This is our "place" , and we make the rules. She continues by saying there's a dazzling haze, a "mysterious way" about her lover, and it fits the sound of the song so well. It's exactly how I feel when I listen to Lover, in a dazzling, blue and purple, pink, haze. And then, in the chorus, she says : “Can we always be this close ?”, “Can I go where you go ?” , ie, can we never be apart (again ?) ? Can we stay forever the way we are right now ? Interesting. Do you know what it reminds me of ? It reminds me of the song “This is really happening” by Britni Hoover, a song that Taylor wrote and gave away. The chorus of the song goes like this :

Tell me
You'll never leave me
And I'm not crazy and
This is really happening
That this is really happening

She wrote this song probably over ten years ago, and I'm seeing a pattern here. “This” was apparently really happening, according to her official narrative, during the Lover era. Yet Lover has an anxious overtone that doesn’t exist in “This is really happening”. Why ? Taylor sounds afraid to lose her lover, but why ? After going through the storm, after Reputation, why being so anxious and afraid, suddenly ? You could say, “because she realized this (whoever she’s singing about) was her soulmate”, yeah, well, it’s kinda late. I’m pretty sure she realized it when she wrote “King of my heart”, didn’t she ? Whoever she was singing about was her person, her soulmate, her sunshine, her twin flame, or whatever you want to call them.
Now, we’re getting into the songs I personally dislike. The Archer, I think He Knows, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince … I especially dislike “The Archer” and “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince”. The Archer, being track 5, was supposed to be an emotional song, a vulnerable song, it was supposed to add a layer to the album like every track 5 and it’s just not doing it for me. It sounds like Taylor wanted to write a track 5 instead of just writing stuff and finding out afterwards which song would be the best at being a track 5. While “Miss Americana & The heartbreak Prince” is just poorly executed. We’re going back to High School and for what ? Taylor mentions prom dresses, school hallways, American glory … I know some people say the song is supposed to be about herself and her image as an American Sweetheart, but to me the rest of the song doesn't feel that way. In fact the song is very imprecise. Look at the difference between this and Lover :
​

You know I adore you, I’m crazier for you // Then I was at sixteen, lost in a film scene // Waving homecoming queens // Marching band playing // I’m lost in the light

Yeah, and I feel lost in the song. She’s obviously not referring to something that really happened, she’s using this as a metaphor, but it’s, in my opinion, kind of unclear. It makes the whole thing hazy, not really in a good way, in a way that I struggle to understand the real point of the song. While in Lover :

We could leave the Christmas lights up til January // This is our place, we make the rules // And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear // Have I known you 20 seconds or 20 years ?

It sets a context by evoking precise, real images, right away. Every word is vivid, every line is meaningful. It goes somewhere. I don’t quite find the same quality in the narrative of Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince.
Moving on we have Paper Rings, which I think is a fun song. It’s fun, not meant to be profound, but fun, I don’t have much to say about it. We get to Cornelia Street, which has, in my opinion, the same qualities that Lover has : vivid, precise, meaningful. You close your eyes and you’re here, at Cornelia Street, memorizing the creeks in the floor. The song evokes the early stages of a relationship that Taylor treasured dearly, and her fear of losing that relationship. Taylor starts the song by implying she's literally drunk on love, it sets the tone. The eponymous chorus is poignant, simple but effective, she affirms :

That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend, I'll never walk Cornelia Street again

Never being the important word here, in my opinion*.* She makes a powerful statement. “Never” is a word that we all use very often in everyday life but we rarely realize the meaning of this word before being confronted, or afraid of being confronted with a real “never again”. I think Taylor was very aware of what "never" meant in this context. And that's why this song makes me so emotional. Taylor may be clumsy sometimes but if there's one thing she knows, it's the meaning of the words she uses. I strongly believe she's very careful with her words, even if sometimes it ends up being funny or ridiculous. But Cornelia Street is not one of these things. Cornelia Street is not complex but very emotive, and that line "I'll never walk Cornelia Street again", really hits, in my opinion. Because Taylor is not just any songwriter, Taylor masters her songwriting. What I mean is that the use of that specific word “never”, in this song, is not an accident.
And to live up to the expectations that the use of this powerful word, "never", sets up, Taylor weaponizes her fantastic storytelling to paint us a rich and striking picture reminiscing the early stages of her relationship with her lover. Again, simple, but effective. She goes on in the bridge, referring to the moment she sacred these new beginnings with her lover, the bridge feels hopeful, so hopeful and then she says “Listen, I hope I’ll never lose you, I’ll never walk Cornelia Street again, never again”
Not “I hope I’ll never lose you, because I’ll never walk Cornelia Street again”, it sounds like she’s saying, like she’s projecting herself into this reality, that she will never walk Cornelia Street again. And then she emphasizes “never again”. Interesting choice if you ask me.
Moving on to Death By A Thousand Cuts, False God. I won’t elaborate much on London Boy cause it honestly feels like a satyric song and I think we’ve talked about this enough in this fandom. If you ignore London Boy and Soon You’ll get better, the narrative paints an interesting picture. It actually looks like the relationship she’s talking about is falling apart. She’s being killed by a thousand cuts ; the song is reminiscing on a relationship that the narrator lost and it comes right after a song where Taylor (the narrator) says that she “doesn’t want to lose” her lover, and begs the muse to stay by her side.
If the story’s over, why is she still writing pages ? Since when is the story over ? Taylor looks through the windows of this love and doesn’t want to pretend it’s okay when it’s not okay, she sings about how she wasn’t enough, and ends the song on such an indecisive note, “I don’t know”. It’s also worth noticing she starts the song by saying “flashbacks waking me up”, making it sound like what we’ve been listening to was some sort of fever dream, and now we’re waking up. And it’s a disaster, she drinks, the chandelier is flickering etc etc, she’s very much heartbroken.
It’s followed by False God, a short song where Taylor calls herself and her partner stupid for thinking “this” could work. So what, it didn’t work ? Or it didn’t work the way she planned it ? It ended up working in another way ? Cause after all, they might just get away with it, because they still worship this love despite everything. She’s being kind of fatalistic here, saying “religion in your lips, even if it’s a false God”, which was not what she was going for in the first few songs of the album.
After this song, we get Afterglow. One of the weakest songs of the album in my opinion, not very deep, not very poetic, but the meaning and place in the album is interesting. In the song, she’s apologizing to her lover for hurting them, she’s blaming herself for everything, rightfully or not, that’s what she does. The song in itself doesn’t say much except for this : she’s sorry, she fucked up, and “please come back”, basically. It’s a transition to “It’s nice to have a friend” (please forgive me for not talking in detail about ME! lmao, it just feels like a big stain in the narration imo) and Daylight.
Now “It’s Nice to have a friend” is a funny song. It’s obviously not autobiographical, whether you think the muse is Karlie, Joe, Dianna or Lily, cause none of these people knew Taylor as a child. This song feels more like “Mine” or “Stay Stay Stay”, songs about daydreaming about real love. Which is a curious choice for an album that is supposed to talk about the one she considers as her soulmate, I mean, she has this real love already, or maybe had. Like I see why she would daydream about this in 2010, but in 2019 ? It’s a cute song however, it does sound like wishful thinking nonetheless, to me.
And then we get to the closing track : Daylight. Daylight that was supposed to be the name of the album. And I think it’s funny that “Lover” ended up being the album name because these two titles have NOTHING in common. They mean totally different things. If the album had been named Daylight, it would’ve been (according to the name) an album about “stepping into the daylight”, being yourself, embracing who you are, that’s what such a title would suggest. While “Lover” recenters the discussion on romance, and love. And Taylor said she didn't name it like this because it was "too on the nose". But it's interesting that she once thought "Daylight" would be an appropriate album title, and switched to something so different afterwards.
So what is the song Daylight is about ? It's basically about resilience. Taylor talks about her previous relationships, she evokes the struggles that come with these relationships, she essentially talks about letting go of these things. She says :

There are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven
I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

She wants to get past these painful memories. She wants to be honest with her lover, at last. The chorus and the second verse say approximately the same thing. Nothing matters now, neither the storms nor all the difficulties she and her lover have faced: because it's morning now, it's brighter now.
And she ends the song on this :
​

Like daylight
It's golden like daylight
You gotta step into the daylight and let it go
Just let it go, let it go

Which feels like the core of the song, the song is about letting things go. Daylight is, in my opinion, a weak song. It's kind of cheesy, but it closes the narrative on a hopeful note. After Death By Thousand Cuts and Afterglow, this song does feel like a cohesive closure to the narrative.
So this was “Lover”.
In my opinion Lover as an album, is mediocre. It’s not terrible, but it’s not nearly as good as her best albums. And I think it’s because it’s just not coherent. I often mention Red in comparison because Red is also described by lots of people as “not coherent”, but the reason why I feel like Red is a better album than Lover is because Red feels more thoughtful. Red is the way it is because it’s supposed to be a metaphor for a broken heart, it’s supposed to be all over the place, it’s supposed to be disjointed. Lover feels too messy, and I can feel when I listen to the album that she changed her mind several times in the making of it, unlike Red or even Reputation, I feel like for these albums, Taylor had a precise idea, a concept, a point she wanted to make. Whereas Lover feels more blurry.
When I say it feels like a love letter, you know, it has its good and bad sides. The good sides are that it can get very passionate and emotional (cruel summer, lover, cornelia street), and the bad sides are that it’s raw, chaotic, clumsy (ME!, Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince…). Lover suffers from the same problem as Midnights : it looks like Taylor hasn't been edited, and Taylor really needs to be edited, that's when her genius shines the most in my opinion, when she collaborates with people like Liz Rose for example. As much as I love Jack, it's very obvious that he does not edit it and lets her write what she wants as she wants, and it ends up being messy. In short, Lover is both amazing and really bad at times. I can't reasonably say the album is bad, because of the songs I quoted which I think are excellent, but I can't say it's good either.
That’s the first reason why I think people struggle to appreciate it. The second being, the artistic choices for this era. Now, don’t get me wrong, what I mean is not that wearing pink and rainbows is not allowed after a certain age, but can we talk about it for a second ? Can we give a bit of context to this interesting aesthetic ?
As I said previously, I know rainbows are probably tied with her queerness, I know there’s a part of flagging in this, but I think there’s more. Yes, you can wear rainbows at 29 years old, you absolutely can, but it’s not how you usually see life at that age. It’s not just a fashion choice, because the aesthetic sets the tone for an era, it’s supposed to be cohesive with the rest of it. The fashion choices are a part of the making of an album, it’s not at all secondary or superficial. Taylor knows it. And the message she was trying to communicate with us at that time, with this aesthetic, feels so childish. I said it before, there were about a million different ways to make a romantic, lovey dovey album without making it look so childish, so why were we regressing ? Was Taylor not capable of this ? I don’t think so, Taylor absolutely was capable of it, it just looks like she didn’t want to.
All of this paints an interesting picture. Looks like Taylor had a very particular mindset at the time. Looks like Lover was her last attempt to grasp at the fairytale she dreamed of for all these years. The romance, the wonderment, the commitment, the fidelity. Taylor always talked about this, about "true love", and yes it's childish, it's naive, it's what Taylor has been for a long time. And even if Reputation happened, I think that this way of thinking, this dream that she longed for (that many of us have had) during all these years damaged her. It brings us back to the standards of society, to misogyny, to heteronormativity. How society tells us “how to be happy”.
You will grow up, find a man, fall desperately in love and marry him. You will live in a happy monogamous, straight and conventional relationship. You will have kids, you will be a good wife, you will live happily ever after. It's what society has always been harping on us, young girls, young women. Taylor didn’t escape it, and whereas I think it’s perfectly fine to be happy this way, I also think it can be damaging to grow up idolizing this particular scenario and thinking this is the only way. Talking about my own experience here, but for a long time, I didn’t realize I was bisexual because for me, heterosexuality was just “the only way”.
Red screams compulsive heterosexuality for me, especially All Too Well. And we know how much Taylor had to fight against herself to get out of that, "toss it out and reject it", as she said. It's most likely difficult for everyone, and for Taylor as well, as an American woman who was raised in a conservative environment.
Back to Lover, I think it’s so interesting the way Lover connects to the past and the future. Lover echoes the fairytale she described in her early album (childhood… teenagehood), Lover is full of hope and anxiety. But when you reflect on it from where we’re standing right now, after Folkmore and Midnights it just doesn’t make any sense. After all of this, Taylor finds herself singing about infidelity, being unsure about commitment, isn’t it weird ? She even sings about not wanting to commit, it feels surreal to me. We talk about Taylor Alison Swift, the woman who wrote “you’re my, my, my, my lover, forever and ever” ?
The timeline is blurred, and it’s obviously what Taylor wanted. The point isn’t even to know who she dated, but ultimately, we’re trying to understand her art, to disentangle the truth from the fiction. What are the songs that connect together ? What is the story she’s trying to tell ? Around the reality of her feelings, she embroiders, she invents details, she makes things up, she adds more and more layers to it with each album, and it only seems to get more blurry. And recently, as I found out that the common Kaylor narrative just didn’t make sense with the actual events (ie, Karlie got married DURING the writing of Lover), I thought about it more and more.
I think it’s fascinating the way we never seem to fully make sense of everything, how no theories (so far), whether you’re a Kaylor truther, a Dianna or a Toe truther, really fits the many narratives she crafted so far. And even if Lover really is mediocre as an album, I think it’s a major part of the narrative, a pivotal moment. It ties to so many things all at once, it’s connected to every other era in such a peculiar way. With hindsight, it might be one of my favorite albums, not to listen to, but to think about.
This was my long and probably messy analysis of Lover and Lover era. I’d love to hear everyone’s opinions about this.
Feel free to disagree, to contradict me, to expose your theories !

Hi everyone,
Welcome to the first discussion of Gather Together in My Name, which is the second book in Maya Angelou's autobiography series! This book picks up right where I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings left off, but you do not need to have read the first book to enjoy this one.
(A minimally-spoilery TL;DR for I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: After an eventful childhood spent with various parental figures in Arkansas and California, teenage Maya had just given birth to her son, and was about to begin a new chapter in her life.)
And now, on with the story! In these first chapters, I was not surprised to see that the quiet, determined girl that we met in the first book would decide to keep her independence and go her own way. What I hadn't predicted was the unorthodox turns that her story would take.
Below are summaries of Chapters 1 to 15. I'll also post some discussion prompts in the comment section. Feel free to post any of your thoughts and questions up to, and including, Chapter 15! I can't wait to hear what everyone has to say!
Remember, we also have a Marginalia post for you to jot down notes as you read.
Our next check-in will be on March 11th, when u/lazylittlelady will lead the discussion for Chapters 16 to 24.
If you are planning out your bookclub 2023 Bingo card, this book fits the following squares (and perhaps more):

• A Bonus Book
• POC Author or Story
• A Non-Fiction Read
• A Book Written in the 1970s

SUMMARY
Note: Maya Angelou's first name is "Marguerite", and she was called various nicknames and diminutives in the previous book. In this book, she refers to herself as "Rita".
San Francisco celebrates the end of World War II, and the end of the war spells changes in the economy. People who stepped up to join in the war effort, and who enjoyed the earnings and respect that came with it, are displaced as war plants shut down, and military heroes return home to stand on ghetto corners. Rita is seventeen years old, with a two-month-old baby son. She refuses to leave her son in her mother and stepfather's care and return to school. Instead, she decides to move out and get a job.
Chapter 1
A farcical exam is used as a pretext to reject Rita when she applies for a job as a telephone operator, and she is instead offered a job as a bus girl in the cafeteria. Many of the trainee operators were her old classmates. Rita hates the job and quits within a week.
Chapter 2
Rita applies for a job as a cook at The Creole Café, and gets the job by pretending that she is a good Christian woman who can cook Creole food. The proprietress, Mrs. Dupree, nicknames her "Reet".
Chapter 3
Rita asks old Papa Ford, who helps out at the rooming house, to tech her to cook Creole food, but he only advises her to put onions, green pepper and garlic in everything, plus rice.
Chapter 4
Rita experiments with her cooking at The Creole Café with, yes, onions, green pepper and garlic. The customers are mostly Creoles from Louisiana, and they seem to enjoy her food, and they gossip after the meals. Rita is content. Mother arranges for a white woman to take care of her baby while she works.
Chapter 5
Rita is happy in her rented room, with her beautiful baby. She runs onto two ex-classmates who jeer that someone like her could have given birth to a cute baby who could pass for white. Rita is enraged and walks away without a word. She studies her son's features, and sees herself in him. He is undeniably hers.
Chapter 6
Rita is infatuated with "God’s prettiest man", Curly, who is a new customer at the restaurant. He asks her out, and woos her by praising her baby and denigrating her baby's father for abandoning her. Curly takes her to his hotel, where they make love. Rita's prior sexual encounters were violent or indifferent, and she enjoys sex for the first time. She is so happy, she buys him a ring.
Chapter 7
Rita takes care of her appearance, though not always without fashion mishaps. Curly tells Rita that he has a girlfriend in San Diego whom he plans to marry after her job finishes. Rita ignores this inconvenient unpleasantness. They continue their love affair for two months, but he eventually breaks up with Rita when it is time for him to leave for Louisiana with his girlfriend. Rita is heartbroken and doesn't take care of herself.
Rita's brother, Bailey, arrives in town, and she tells him of her failed love affair, and how her ex-classmates laughed at her. Bailey encourages Rita to move on, and to not wallow in misery as a jilted lover. Rita decides to move to Los Angeles, and Bailey gives her two hundred dollars to help out. Her mother gives her a pep talk to strive for success in whatever she decides.
Chapter 8
Rita and baby Guy arrive in Los Angeles. Her extended family assemble to meet her and Guy, but Rita is disappointed because they are not particularly welcoming. When they assume that she is merely passing through LA on her way to San Diego, this is what she ends up doing.
Chapter 9
Rita takes Guy to Mother Cleo who watches babies for a fee. When Mother Cleo asks if Rita is a prostitute, Rita realizes that she might have put on too much makeup because she is applying to be a waitress at the Hi Hat Club. Although Mother Cleo seems experienced and maternal, Guy cries when Rita leaves him in Mother Cleo's arms.
Chapter 10
At the Hi Hat Club, colorful customers mingle with pimps and prostitutes. Rita is largely ignored among the waitresses, leading Rita to believe that "virtue is safest in a den of iniquity”. Mother Cleo approves of Rita's motherly attention to Guy , so she rents them a room in her home. Rita's life consists of the routine of work and playing with her pretty doll of a baby.
Chapter 11
Johnnie May and Beatrice are two friendly lesbians who patronize the Hi Hat Club. They invite Rita to their home for a Sunday meal, and Guy is welcome to come too. Another waitress gives Rita a nasty warning that the two women are "bull daggers" who might have a sexual interest in Rita. Rita, sympathetic to lesbians ever since she questioned her own sexuality during her teenage years, impulsively tells Johnnie Mae and Beatrice that she would like to have lunch at their home but warns them that she isn't a lesbian. The conversation turns silent and awkward as Rita blunders on to confirm the lunch invitation.
Chapter 12
Rita passes by the Sunday churchgoers, with their familiar chatter, on her way to Johnnie Mae and Beatrice's house. They have forgiven, but not forgotten Rita's blunt words, and they welcome her into their comfortable home. Johnnie Mae and Beatrice try to tease and titillate Rita, but she is unmoved. Johnnie Mae tells her that she has had a hysterectomy, and that they are part-time prostitutes. Their landlord can't stand gay people, so they are being forced to move.
Chapter 13
The three women smoke some "grifa" before dinner. Rita is unused to marijuana and chokes on the joint, much to Johnnie Mae and Beatrice's amusement. It does give her an appetite, and she finds the food delicious. Rita is so high that she sees her hosts' faces distort. After dinner, they put on some music, and Rita dances for her hosts, then with Beatrice.
Still high on grifa, Rita proposes that she rent their home in her name, and that they turn tricks there a few times a week. Johnnie Mae and Beatrice object to turning their home into a whorehouse, and to turning tricks full time. Fast-talking Rita says that they could save enough money to buy themselves a bigger house, or go into business and open a restaurant. Rita pretends that she had run a similar operation before, but that she is now lying low from the cops.
This is how Rita found herself the madam of a two-whore whorehouse at age eighteen.
Chapter 14
Rita thinks herself superior to the people around her. Rita manages the business of the whorehouse, recruiting taxi drivers to bring clients to the house, recruiting Hank to be the bouncer, and organizing the finances. Rita does not turn tricks, and only arrives after the customers are gone for the night. She lives a double life, working as a waitress during the day, and joining Mother Cleo's church. Mother Cleo is suspicious, and mistakenly guesses that Rita is dating a coworker.
Rita buys a nice car and pays cash for it. She lies to Mother Cleo that her fictitious boyfriend bought it for her. Mother Cleo's only reservations are that Rita not mess with a married man or a white man. Rita, though, is still carrying a torch for Curly who had gotten married and moved to Louisiana.
Chapter 15
Rita starts reading Russian writers. She reads Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment, and The Brothers Karamazov. She mimics her dance teacher's fashion.
One night, when Rita arrives at the whorehouse, a drunk, half-naked white sailor wanders in as they are about to settle accounts. Beatrice had secretly let him remain in the bedroom. Rita is incensed, and the women start arguing. Rita tells Hank he can run the whorehouse from now on. As she leaves, Johnnie Mae furiously threatens to report her to the vice squad.
In a panic, Rita packs everything she owns and gives Mother Cleo the excuse that she is going back to San Francisco to be with her sick mother. Mother Cleo and her husband still think her a good Christian woman and they rue her departure. Rita dumps her car at the train station and flees to her childhood home in Arkansas, and to Mrs. Annie Henderson a.k.a. Momma, the grandmother who raised her.
End of this week's summary
Here are some of the cultural references mentioned in this week's section:

• Polonius’ speech to Laertes comes from Hamlet, the play by William Shakespeare.
• Paul Lawrence Dunbar was a poet, also mentioned in I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
• Rudyard Kipling was an author and poet, probably best know for writing The Jungle Book. Angelou mentions his poem If.
• Countee Cullen was a noted poet and figure in the Harlem Renaissance.
• Langston Hughes was another central figure in the Harlem Renaissance, and a poet.
• Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was a prominent American poet. His poem, The Song of Hiawatha, was mentioned in the book.
• Arna Bontemps was another leading poet of the Harlem Renaissance. He wrote the poem A Black Man Talks of Reaping.
• Lil Green was leading blues singer during the 1940s. You can listen to her sing "Romance in the Dark" here, the lyrics of which are quoted in the book:

“In the dark, in the dark, I get such a thrill. when you press your fingertips upon my lips.”

• Prokofiev, Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky were Russian composers.
• Fyodor Dostoevsky was a Russian author, two of whose works are mentioned: Crime and Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov
• Maxim Gorki, Anton Chekov, and Ivan Turgenev were also Russian writers.

Useful Links:

• Gather Together in My Name discussion schedule
• Gather Together in My Name marginalia post
• Goodreads page for Gather Together in My Name
• Wikipedia entry for Maya Angelou
• Wikipedia entry for Gather Together in My Name

i, 14F have hung out with the same group of friends since sixth grade (N 15F, S 15F and V 14M). I've always had a hard time socializing with people so they were my only friends at school. Ever since 9th grade i realized hoe toxic N and S were, making fun of my looks and making fun of me because i was antisocial. N and S both are the "popular girls" at school, every teacher likes and knows them, all the kids in our grade know them and while me, not so much. I dont mind not being known but both N and S who get to host some of the events at school leave me out, pretending i dont exist. I brought it up to them a few times, yet they keep brushing it off saying im being too dramatic.
So, N was talking about how she thought her uncle sa'd her when she was 6, and me and S were trying to comfort her when she talked about it. (I say "thought" here because she wasnt sure what he was trying to do but she was uncomfortable about it, im not going to jump to any conclusions, i just tried to be supportive) ever since then, S who likes to write poems, writes about how N had a bad past. She wouldnt treat me the same as N because, she had a bad past and she is trying to "protect" her? although they're both just keeping me out. They have never cared about what or how i felt like and i feel not appreciated in this friendship at all. They keep stealing the credit from me in certain situations (like when i solved a problem N's younger sister came to ask N about which N couldnt solve. N then proceeded to copy down what i wrote into a different paper, gave it to her sister. The teacher ended up seeing the thing and proceeded to praise N when she was in our class) and i just brushed it off, maybe she just likes the praise, whatever.
I have been sa'd by two people when i was 8years old and ever since i figured what they did was totally inappropriate and no 8 year old should go through that ive grown to disgust myself because i felt unclean and dirty because of it. That along with the global pandemic caused me to spiral down into a deep depression, which ended up in me talking to people online and getting in a "relationship" with a 19 year old (i was 12 at that time.) who was also extremely toxic, made me shut out all of my family and friends, was extremely jealous and would tell me he'd k-- himself when he got jealous. When i turned 13, (5 months in the relationship) i finally got the courage and told him im leaving, blocked him on everything but the last message he sent me threw me in an even more bigger spiral of depression and hating myself. The message read "I'll be dead and it'll be all your fault. Hope you live happy knowing that." I ended up breaking down in front of S when i got reminded of what he did to me and S didnt even try to console me. She said "Yeah that is why you dont talk to strangers online.. you got what you deserved" and S told N and they treated me even more outcasted since then.
When i told N and S that i went to get consulted by a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression but my dad denied me any therapy, they said "Just remove the negative thoughts out of your head, simple" i really wish it was that easy. I have no one to talk about my sa experience and how i got groomed online and its tearing me apart from the inside. I've told my sister (24F) about how both N and S have been to me and she said i needed to drop them but she works as a doctor, she doesn't have time for me and my rants. My brother overheard me telling my sister about N and S and then he proceeded to tell me im overdramatic and called me a pick me girl because of it. ive told him to stop and that it hurts my feelings and he says "man it up"
Now ive tried to talk to N and S and told them that their behaviour towards me is extremely mean and that it hurts my feelings. Then N decided to make it about herself and said "Where are you like that, OP? i'm gonna cry now, you're really gonna throw away our friendship for something so minor?" and then S proceeded to say "Wow you made N cry, what the hell is wrong with you? ever since you've been "diagnosed" with depression you've been acting more and more dull stop faking it." I was so shocked and speechless i just hung up. Now when i tried telling V about this he literally just brushed me off saying "Its all just in your head, you were such great friends before, why would they do that go you? OP get a grip, this isnt like you" and that is when i felt really hopeless. I realized none of my "besties" were willing to hear me out. Everyone just brushed me aside. Yet they still call us "best friends".
We got a 15 day vacation from school and none of my "besties" have kept in touch with me. V texted me today saying his phone died and he couldnt text me. We had a group call and then N, V and S started talkinn about how they called everyday in these holidays... i was not invited. S texted me once, asking me about homework, N hasnt texted me at all. Im so heartbroken how they left me out and when i asked them it was "because you dont talk a lot in calls so its hard to notice if you're here or gone", quoting what N said.
Please, please help me out on what to do. Please put me in my place if im being overdramatic and jealous. I just need help, this has become my last resort.

Read the original story from the beginning!
Read the latest in the series!
Chapter 1: Paradise Lost
Two young boys in tribal attire were playing alone on a beach, the bright sun overhead made their melanin-rich skin glisten and shine when combined with the mist from the ocean.
Tied up to some trees along the forest sight line were two creatures that would out of place in our own world. One looked like a lizard much larger than any known - about the size of a horse - and it had two heads. It was feeding on some fruit from a bush nearby. The second looked like a horse until it stepped out from behind a tree. It’s back end resembled a roosters as it spread its wings. It was a Hippalektryon. It was grazing on the vegetation. The creatures each had harnesses on them and it was clear they were tamed to ride on.
An older teenaged girl that shared a familial resemblance to one of the boys exited the tree line, frantically looking around until she spotted them a few yards away. Her worried expression turned quickly into anger.
“(Uh oh, she found us…)” One of the boys spoke in a language similar to ones in our world, yet it was different.
“(Come on!)” The other boy dropped what he was playing with; he looked annoyed.
“(I can’t believe you two! The whole village is out searching for the two of you boneheads!)” She shouted at them. The beasts paid no mind to them and continued eating. “(You know it is forbidden! What if you had gotten yourselves killed!?)”
“(Relax Shiradwe!)” The boy pronounced it ‘She-rod-way’ as he threw up his palms. “(As you can see we are fine. We know not to go too far into the water to avoid the Song-Eaters! We know to escape if there’s trouble…)” The ‘Song-Eaters’ was their name for the Sirens that lived in the ocean, luring men to their death’s (what few people even made it to these parts).
“(That’s not the point, Zirabbe!)” Shiradwe pronounced it as ‘Zee-raw-bee’. She turned her back in frustration and walked to the mounts. “(I understand your frustration, I was your age once as well! This island is brimming with every hazard you can think of and now half of the village is out of our safe zone where we can be free to run and play!)” She started to pet each of the lizard’s head at once, which it enjoyed. “(Never mind the fact you two stole these from the stables…)”
The second boy spoke up, “(You speak as if you are an elder, yet all I see is a girl not much older than us by a few years.)”
“(You may be the son of a chieftain - Isaiah - but don’t think that means I won’t slap you on your fat head for being a moron!)”
“(You will be my wife one day, so you should treat me with respect.)” He talked back.
“(I would show this Glinhind’s hind end more respect than you right now!)” She was referencing the lizard, “(It probably still smells better too.)” Isaiah shut up and Zirabbe had a light chuckle before getting smacked. Shiradwe continued, “(I know the stories of previous generations moving the village to stay alive seem exciting to you now, but it’s because of The Outsiders that we can live peacefully in the village now, it’s boring but it’s safe and secure.)”
“(Boring is right. There haven’t been any Outsiders since generations ago…)”
“(What’s that?”) Zirabbe interrupted their conversation and pointed to something in the sky. The other two gathered around to look, the sunlight was too bright as it reflected off the object.
“(That’s… Nothing I’ve ever seen before…)” Isaiah answered.
“(Whatever it is, it’s coming very fast.)”
Shiradwe’s eyes widened as she realized it was headed towards them, “(Boys we need to go, NOW!)”
In the skies above was a very large Boeing 747 airplane filled with people. Eclipsing even the wingspan of the plane by a large margin was an enormous brown-feathered eagle. It’s talons had dug themselves into the wings of the plane and it was trying to tear into it with its beak to get at the passengers inside. The eagle was known as a Roc and it was trying to get itself a meal before any of the other large predators were made aware.
The falling debris from the torn up plane hailed down around the trio as they ran to their mounts. Shiradwe used a makeshift knife to slice the ropes off the trees for a faster getaway. She hopped onto the Glinhind’s back as well as her brother. Isaiah followed suit and got onto the Hippalektryon’s back. The crash of the plane was heard and felt not far from where they were.
“(We must get back to the village!)” She ordered the boys, Isaiah kept staring in the direction of the crash. “(Isaiah, every creature on the island must be aware of the plane by now, there’s nothing we can do.)”
“(There could be survivors, I know the stories of the metal birds carrying outsiders! We can help!)”
“(It’s too dangerous!)”
Isaiah made up his mind and kicked the sides of the hippalektryon and it galloped the opposite direction Shiradwe was trying to go. “Isaiah!” She yelled before realizing she had to go after him.
“What do you think about that dream? Pretty weird right?”
Alexander ‘Xander’ MacArthur was sitting at a bench outside of his university mindlessly dipping his French fries into some ketchup. He was staring over at the universities cheerleaders working on a routine and at one in particular: Chastity Faust. Her strawberry hair seemed to intensify in the sunlight as it danced around her head.
“Hey asshole, I’m talking to you!”
Xander’s attention snapped back to reality for a second, “Huh?”
He was sitting with two of his friends Alena and Theo. Alena was a fair skinned woman with some muscle on her from growing up on a farm. She had a bit of a southern accent when she spoke. “Theo said that if you ignore him again that I have permission to kick you right in the balls.”
“Precisely!” Theo agreed. He wore a long-sleeve shirt with a t-shirt on top and a red beanie. His glasses, Nintendo shirt and Xbox backpack showed off his love for video games. “Look I know you think Chastity is hot and all that, but my story is so much better!”
“I’m sorry Theo, I got distracted.”
“All good man, if it was the football team I would be doing the same for the quarterback.”
“This island thing sounds like it could be a cool series.” Alena sipped her drink.
“Maybe sequel and some spin-offs, but I can’t see it taking off…”
“Your dream was about some fantasy island with monsters on it?” Xander refocused.
“Ya! And people got trapped on it and had to escape!”
“Okay, well that’s redundant.”
Alena gave Xander a look and Theo was offended, “Name me other series like my dream.”
“Easy, King Kong and it’s many remakes. The Jurassic Park movies. Journey to the Center of the Earth. Land of the Lost. It’s been done to death!”
Theo narrowed his eyes, “Name one more-“
Before he could finish Alena interjected, “Monster Hunter…”
Theo was offended, “Starring that Milla Jovobitch? Not you too! How dare you compare that to my idea.”
“I thought it was fun…”
“Shit, I’m gonna be late for class!” Xander packed up his books and garbage before giving one last look Chastity’s direction.
“You’ll have your chance bro, we’re all going on the same Spring Break Cruise tomorrow, or did you forget?”
“Ya, you’re right… Later.” Xander gave Alena and Theo each a special handshake before leaving.
“‘Such place Eternal Justice had prepar'd. For those rebellious, here thir prison ordained. In utter darkness, and thir portion set. As far remov'd from God and light of Heav'n. As from the Center thrice to th' utmost Pole…’ Now who can tell me what they think this passage means?” Xander’s old English teacher was reading a passage from John Milton’s poem ‘Paradise Lost’. Her bun looked like it was pulled too tight and her lipstick was smeared on her teeth a little. Her wrinkled hands trembled slightly as she held the book. Her eyes squinted through her already thick glasses to try and read.
“It’s about the Garden of Eden?” One student asked.
“No.” The teacher answered back.
“The struggles of life make you feel trapped in a perpetual cycle!” Another student enthusiastically answered.
“I like your enthusiasm Mr. Jeffries, but you must think of this more literally.”
“God’s trapped Satan and his followers as far away from heaven’s light and salvation as he possibly could. They’re locked away from anywhere close to paradise, Heaven, or even life itself.” Xander answered.
“Very good Mr. MacArthur! Yes, those that opposed him were locked away in eternal darkness. The next part goes on to describe them being overwhelmed by floods and whirlwinds of fire.”
“God’s rejects…” Xander answered under his breath. The bell rang.
“Remember that I want all of your Essay’s handed in when you all get back from spring break.” Everyone collectively groaned at this statement. “Just because you all take your parties more seriously than your studies isn’t my problem! Maybe consider getting it done tonight before you all go away tomorrow.”
“Hey, Xander.” He perked up when he heard her singsong voice speak to him.
“Oh, hey Chastity.” He gave her a nervous smile.
“You really know your stuff with that poem. The old English makes my head spin, it’s practically another language.”
“Ya, I know what you mean.” Xander was trying to act casual, but he couldn’t help but be nervous around her.
“Hey listen, I heard that you were coming on the cruise with everyone.”
“Ya?”
“Ya, and I was wondering if you wanted to help me write my paper? We can hang out, maybe party a little?”
“T-That sounds fantas-great! Really, really great. I would love too.” She giggled with his awkwardness.
“I look forward to it, we have each other’s Snaps right? We’ll keep in touch.”
“Sounds groovy.”
She held up her hand and wiggled her fingers at him, “K, bye.”
“Bye.” She joined her friends in the hall and Xander snapped out of it. “‘Sounds groovy’? Did you really just say that?”
Xander was in his bedroom, looking at stuff to wear for the following night. He wanted to make sure he looked good when hanging out with Chastity. He was an above average height mixed race man of Latino and British ancestry. He had bright blue eyes but it contrasted with his dark hair and complexion.
The voice of his mother - an immigrant from El Salvador - could be heard speaking Spanish in the background on his computer. “(Make sure you pack plenty changes of clothes. Whatever number you think is enough, double that and you might be ok.)”
“Mama, you realize that we are only allowed up to 40 pounds of luggage. I can’t waste it all with just clothes! I need space for toiletries and my charger and-“
“(Condoms are very light son, and I don’t think they count as ‘toiletries’.)” She said toiletries with air quotes.
“God, Mom! Why do you have to be like that?”
“(I was young and supple once.)”
“Gross…”
She switched to English, “How do you think your father and I met? It was on his spring break! (You will regret not having more clothes!)” She switched back.
“The only takeaways I’ve gotten from these conversations is that I will meet the love of my life and to have some form of protection.”
“(Smartass...)”
“I also need room to bring back a gift for my lovely mother.” She gave him a genuine smile. “Te amo, Mama.” They waved at each other and they hung up. Barely ten seconds later there was a knock at the door. “Come in.”
Theo and Alena entered with bags of candy, beer and chips. Theo sat on Xander’s couch and Alena in his gaming chair.
“You got plans all of a sudden, slick?” Alena asked, putting her feet up on his desk and opening some skittles.
“No, it’s for the trip.”
“Oh that’s a relief, we thought you were ditching out on movie night to go on a date.” Theo added.
“Wait a minute, are you gonna talk to Chastity?” The pair got interested.
“For your info, she already approached me about hanging out.”
“Wait a minute, how did she approach you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Was she like…” Theo sat upright and put on an effeminate voice and mannerisms, “…Hey Xander, you’ve been looking pretty cute lately. I think we should hang out more.”
“No, she used our class as an excuse to talk to me.”
Alena and Theo exchanged looks. “Oh she’s just using you!” Theo exclaimed.
“What?”
Alena agreed, “Trust us, she’ll put off actually doing stuff with you until she gets what she wants and then she’ll leave your ass hangin’.”
“Our poor boy is getting heartbroken at worst or friendzoned at best and he doesn’t even know it yet.” Theo took his hat off and held it to his chest in a moment of silence.
“Fuck off! I have a shot and I won’t waste it just because you two think the worst all the time!”
“Just know we’ll catch you when you fall. Now are we gonna watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation? I Promise it’s not actually Star Trek.”
“Which one is that?”
“It’s the one with Renée Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey and a cross-dressing Leatherface. It’s awful.”
“Then why are we watching it?”
“Because it’s awful!? Hello?”
“Good point.” Xander joined Theo on the couch.
Xander packed up his bags in the morning and made sure to carefully weigh it before realizing he had a little more room, but nothing he wanted to take. On his computer desk was a photo of a blonde man of fairer complexion that had the same striking blue eyes as Xander. The man had a little boy that looked like Xander on his shoulders and they were laughing. He eyed it up and contemplated.
‘You always did say you wanted to go on a cruise…’
“Nah.” Xander shook his head and walked out the door. After about ten seconds it opened again and he grabbed the photo with a sigh and unzipped his suitcase. “Come on then, we got a ride to catch.”
Outside his dorm room was Theo and Alena waiting in a convertible, Theo was driving.
“You managed to convince your brother to let you take his car?” Xander questioned. “We’re just leaving it parked there for a week.”
“Listen, my car’s a heap. We can’t exactly pull up to the party liner looking like a bunch of losers!”
“Is Alfonse gonna kick your ass?”
“Listen, I bought him a case of beer and he gets to drive it home after work anyways.”
“Oh ya, he’s a lifeguard.” Xander remembered.
“Get in loser, we have places to be!” Alena was impatient. Xander tossed his bag into the back seat and hopped in.
“Watch the paint!” Theo scolded.
“Tell Xander about your dream last night, from the beginning.”
“Alena… I don’t think he wants to hear about me and John Cena…” Theo nervously chuckled.
“No Chucklenuts, I mean the OTHER one.”
“Oh ya! It was weird, it was like a continuation of my last dream - which only happened like 6 times ever!”
Shiradwe and Zirabbe finally caught up to the faster Hippalektryon, Isaiah was already out of sight. The burning wreckage of the airplane was strewn about with some bodies already scattered among the debris and trees. Creatures like Goblins and giant insects were already scavenging the bodies for food.
One person in particular was frantically kicking at a large ant that was trying to carry him away, keeping it at a still uncomfortable distance.
Zirabbe stabbed it with his makeshift knife before extending a hand to the man. “(Let me help you.)”
“Who are you!? Where is this!?” The man spoke English. Zirabbe’s eyes went wide when he heard it spoken.
Shiradwe was already at the opening of the wreckage. Isaiah was inside helping free a pregnant women that was still in her seatbelt. About a dozen and a half other survivors were in various stages of being free or freeing themselves and others. All looked completely baffled at what happened. Some were passengers and some were flight attendants.
“(What the fuck just happened!?)” A women speaking Spanish questioned. Shiradwe didn’t recognize the language.
“(Are any of you hurt?)” She asked in her own tongue, no one understood her.
The door to the cockpit opened up and a bleeding injured co-pilot stumbled out with a stomach wound. The pilot was dead in his seat. “No communication with the outside world, we need to take stock of survivors and come up with a plan.” He collapsed his knees, “agh….”
Shiradwe ran to his aid, “You speak the Outsider tongue.” She pointed out in English.
“Who are you?” The co-pilot questioned, but still accepted her assistance to stand. A group of imp-like creatures peered their heads in to see if they had any easy prey to pick off.
“No time, we must go!” Shiradwe helped him walk. Isaiah helped the pregnant woman and the rest of the people hesitated with great fear to approach the imps.
Zirabbe and the other man smacked the imps out of the way with their large sticks they brandished. Shiradwe knew that the imps were not really a threat, but whatever else could be nearby probably was.
“(We must go!)” Zirabbe motioned with his free hand and the passengers all hesitantly followed.
“(You boys must take the injured man and the pregnant woman on your mounts to the village and send help. Go now!)” She commanded before brandishing her spear to stab an imp, the other imps backed off. “Grab what you can find for protection!” She yelled to the survivors and they scanned the area. Some picked up luggage, some grabbed the broken parts of the serving cart, one of the lady’s even took off her heals and thought that would service her. Some of the plane’s smaller debris was also brandished for defensive purposes.
A couple vulture-like creatures that looked very reptilian also joined in and tried to peck at people when given the opportunity.
“This way!” Shiradwe yelled. The lady wielding her high heels was snatched from the ground by an ape-like creature called a jueyuan before disappearing into the tree line, screaming.
“Go! Go! Go!” One of the men yelled and everyone went into a panicked frenzy.
Shiradwe knew this would complicate matters and tried to keep them calm, “Stop! We must go this way!”
A trio of flying creatures that resembled mutated women with wings for arms and talons for feet swooped down and grabbed one of the men off the ground. As the Harpies fought for him in the air he was dismembered and frantically eaten. Clearly these new people were a treat for the monsters that inhabited the island.
It seemed every second there was a new creature coming to either watch the commotion or try and take a piece for themselves. A bizarre toad with very long flamingo legs grabbed another passenger with it’s tongue and tried to eat them before one of the men with a sharp piece of plane debris cut its tongue off. The gigantic ant from earlier homed in on the tongue to get its own fix.
“What the fuck is going on!?” Another lady yelled. A monkey with a scorpion tale dropped from the tree above and skewered her with it, pumping her full of a paralyzing agent. More of them joined in and started to feast on her still warm flesh.
Shiradwe fought off what she could and the now less than a dozen survivors also fought for their lives. Despite their best efforts many still got picked off by the rapid assortment of monsters. That was before the ground shook.
All of the monsters that were going berserk before all paused and listened to the noise. Like clockwork they all decided to scatter and hide, even leaving half eaten people behind. Shiradwe’s eyes got wide with realization. “We must go! Now! (It’s coming…)” the last part was in her native tongue. Her initial assessment of where to go to avoid being in the path of what she thought it was was proving to be inconclusive.
A taller figure clad similar to her stepped into view and eyed up their surroundings, taking in the carnage. He was an older man and had a familial resemblance to Isaiah.
“(It’s coming! The God of the Earth!)” She urged him.
He just gave her a stern look and she shut up. “(It was quake powder from the shamans, it’s very difficult to make that without traveling far from the village, we may have to risk our lives to get more made because of this.)”
“(I’m sorry, Elder. I was doing what I thought right.)”
“(The time for punishment will come Shiradwe. We need to get you and these Outsiders to safety.)”
“That’s… An interesting dream…” Xander had an eyebrow raised.
“Whaaaaat? I thought it would would pretty visually cool…” Theo was a little hurt.
“It’s just that… I always hate hearing about people’s dreams. They’re weird and pretty much impossible to follow.”
Alena turned in her seat to face Xander, “You just lack imagination.”
Theo narrowed his eyes in thought, “Maybe it was just the way I told it…”
“Monsters? Airplanes? Dismembered bodies? I think our last few movie nights have been creeping into your sub-conscience. Horror and Fantasy don’t seem like they would meld well.” Xander stared out to the beach as they passed by. It was lined with tons of beach goers.
“I’m sure it would have its loyal fans, maybe not many but a few…”
“If you’re done with your pity-party, you have to merge here or we’ll never get a parking spot.” Alena pointed.
Xander couldn’t shake off his nervousness. He chalked it up to the fact he would get to spend time with Chastity. Theo also was growing ever nervous, something about his serialized dreams seemed too real to him. He played it off as a neat dream but they felt like more than that to him.
“Wow, those are huge boats!” Alena gawked as they came into view. The boys followed but Theo had to quickly correct himself when he took his eyes off the road to stare.
The two ships weren’t exactly cruise liners, but they looked large enough to carry a couple hundred people altogether. It was looking like it was for the best considering the amount of people all waiting to board.
“You’re sure that everything is secured with the coast guard before we take off?” A man in coveralls was talking to a rather large man in a suit with a shaved head. The bald man was writing on a checklist. Similarly to the first man, there were dozens of other workers loading in cargo in the depths of the ship they were on.
“You question Mr. Faust’s word?” The big guy had a gravelly voice.
“Well… We just want assurances that-“
“How’s this for an assurance? Mr. Faust owns both the largest luxury and commercial fleet of ships on the whole eastern seaboard. Everything’s been inspected and as long as your mouth-breathers down here do their job, no one will be the wiser to our “secondary shipments”, got it?”
The other man gulped, “Yes Mr. Valentino.”
“That’s a good man, get back to work.”
One of the two Cruise ships was being loaded with all of the college kids and other party goers. The second was being used to smuggle copious amounts of weapons and other illegal substances in exchange for Narcotics and human trafficking victims on the return trip. The multi-billionaire businessman - Gunther Faust owned the ships and dealt with the shady dealings behind the scenes. To seem less suspicious he planned on transporting extremely high profile clients on the smuggling boat to look less empty.
Gunther was sitting in his office at a desk having a meeting with one of the local mob bosses to discuss more ‘business deals’. The view showed the boat gently rocking with the sway of the ocean. Each man had around six armed bodyguards standing to each of their backs.
“Daddy, it’s almost time to go!” A very cheerful Chastity opened the door and waltzed on in. All of the guards on both sides went on edge and reached for their guns but stopped when they saw who it was.
“Honey, Daddy’s doing some important business before we leave…” Faust sighed, but he held his smile.
“It’s quite alright Faust, I think that arrangement will work just fine.” The other man looked and sounded like a southern oil tycoon. He reached out his hand and Faust shook it himself. The other man stood up and looked towards Chastity, “Miss Chastity, you do look devine as ever.” He tipped his hat and walked out with his guards. She just smiled and waived her fingers.
“Get out of here.” Faust commanded his body guards. One hesitated, “For Christ’s sake, leave me with my daughter!” As they all left her turned his head back to her, his large rosy cheeks gave way to a smile. Faust was a portly man with blonde hair. He looked about three donuts away from needing a quadruple bypass, but his daughter was gorgeous beyond what anyone would ever expect. As was his late wife.
“I’m so glad you let me bring all of my school friends on our trip! Thank you Daddy, we’re gonna have so much fun!” She gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Anything for you sweetheart! Why you insist on these low class degenerates is beneath me though. I could have gotten you into any Ivy League school of your choosing! You deserve only the best, darling.”
“I already told you, I don’t want you to buy my friends! I have fun with them and none of them know what you do for a living.”
“Well if it’s all the same to you, I still have security on your boat as well.”
“Dad…”
“You can’t be too careful! My guys will be posted all along the boat. I even hired mercenaries that look around your age to fit in. I just have your best interests at heart. There’s many VIP guests on your ship as well to look out for.”
“Oooooh, what if I flirt with any of the boys?”
Faust opened a drawer and pulled out some files and a bottle of scotch. “If anyone hurts my daughter in any way they will deal with my men.”
“Like with Drew? So dramatic…”
“I could have just had him killed for what he did instead of having my men rough him up a little.”
“A little? He was hospitalized!”
“He hurt you!”
“He just said that he had to move back across the country and didn’t think it could work like that.”
“Even still, my little girl was sad.”
“Can I at least see the files on your mercenaries?”
He took a large sip and handed them over. Chastity picked them up and examined. “Are these people for real?”
“Yes, I met them myself. Just know my dear, the last one is off limits. He’s on the job.”
“What do you me- OH MY GOD!” Chastity looked at the last picture. “Can I please keep him Daddy, oh puh-leeeeeeeease!?”
“What about Rex?”
“Fuck Rex! I want the upgraded model!”
“If my Baby Girl wants it then maybe I will consider. But ONLY after the job is done, I must be firm on this. This one’s staying on MY ship.”
“Ok, fine….” She crossed her arms and threw the files down on the table.
“You best be getting to your friends Sweetheart.”
“Securities tight on this ride… Guaranteed they’ll pull me or you aside for ‘random security checks’ Xander.” Theo spoke with air quotes. The group were standing in line to get on. There was surprisingly high end machines to check bags and luggage much like at an airport.
Alena wasn’t getting it, “Why?”
“Cause I’m black and he’s brown? Or maybe they have something against gay people, who knows?”
“Come on Theo, you’re being paranoid!” Xander laughed.
“Hey you, come here.” The person at another table called them. Two were at each station.
“Here we go…” Theo gave them an ‘I told you so’ look before he obeyed.
“What seems to be the problem?” Theo tried playing it cool.
“Random security check.”
“I knew it! These mother fuckers are always-“
“Not you two, just her.” Xander and Theo were confused when they pointed out Alena.
“Her?” They said in unison.
“Me?” Alena was almost offended.
“It’s just a random check ma’am.”
“Fine…”
They dug around her bag and pulled out a bottle of Ambien, “You mind explaining this ma’am?” The second person spoke.
“It’s prescribed for me!”
“That’s a pretty big bottle…”
“Look!” She pulled out a folded piece of paper from her purse and handed it to them. The pair unfolded it and read it. “Doctors note and prescription, I told you!”
“Oh alright, hold on tight to these young lady. These other passengers would have a field day with those.”
“Oh I will!”
After they got through the checks and went aboard Xander had to question. “I didn’t know you had issues sleeping.”
“I don’t, I plan on making mad profits on these, gentlemen!”
“How did you manage that!?”
Theo gasped, “Oh no, you wrote it out on your Uncle Jerry’s prescription pad you bad girl!”
“Isn’t that highly illegal?” Xander looked worried.
“Obviously! Don’t fuckin’ tell people though! Christ!” Alena rolled her eyes. Theo laughed in response and playfully pushed Xander.
“Oh my god, Xander hi!” Chastity ran up and hugged him.
“Hey!” Xander awkwardly hugged back.
“Hi Chastity…” Alena rolled her eyes.
“Oh my god, how are you!?” Theo faked enthusiam with a huge smile.
“I’m so glad you guys could come! This is gonna be the best party ever!”
“Soooo glad to be here!” Theo was good at acting like he cared.
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Alena spoke flatly.
“I just have to go greet some other guests, but Xander? We’ll hang when I’m done ‘kay?”
“Awesome!” Xander was excited but too shy to express it properly.
“Oh my god that’s cute! You’re cute! The door guy there will get you your room key so go see him!” She waived as she bounced away. Her top and shorts left little to the imagination as Xander watched her leave.
“Oh my god!” Theo mocked her with an impression, “I hate her!”
“What do you see in that vacant expression devoid of intelligence anyways?” Alena looked dumbfounded.
“Why are you guys always so mean and negative? Let’s find our cabin.” Xander shook his head in annoyance and walked away. Theo and Alena exchanged looks before following.
Almost everyone was wearing swimwear and people were scattered all over the place. Some in the on-deck pool, some in the hot tubs and others yet relaxing and drinking.
“Name?” The guy behind the desk asked. He was in his 30’s (so too old for this crowd) and had a mop of blonde hair.
“Xander MacArthur.” He leaned against the counter. The man checked the list of names to find their reserved cabin key.
“So how does someone get to be middle-aged and yet still working as the key guy for a cruise ship?” A guy from another group teased. He was drinking a beer with a bunch of people and they all looked well built and had an air of superiority about them.
One of the women in the group joined in, “Oh my god, that’s like sooo sad.” She gave a fake frown before everyone started to laugh.
The man behind the desk turned to find the key. “Just remember what you’re here to do…” He muttered under his breath. He returned with Xander’s key. “Here you go.”
“Thanks… Hey don’t let those guys bother you, they’re just assholes.” Xander spoke slightly too loud.
“The fuck you say?” The overly aggressive man overheard him.
“Oh Xander, why?” Alena rolled her eyes and cursed quietly. Theo got behind Xander in a way that showed he was backing him up, but also to put Xander between him and a potential fist.
“He’s just trying to do his job, he doesn’t need you giving him a hard time man.”
The guy spoke in a mocking tone and made a face, “‘He doesn’t need you giving him a hard time man’. Why don’t you just mind your own business?”
“I’m tired of jerks like you thinking they’re better than everyone.” Xander actually stood his ground.
“Ya, you’re being an asshole!” Theo snapped at him.
“What’s good cuz?” The man postured.
“You think just cause we’re both black that you have to talk all street to me? Get the fuck outta here!” Theo turned his head away.
“I’ll show you what ‘street’ means!”
“If you want to fight you can gladly do it off the boat. I’ll gladly get the guards to escort you off if you’d like.” The guy behind the counter butted in.
“Rex, let’s just drop it.” One of the girls tugged at his arm. He was still staring down the other two.
“You better watch your ass!” Rex followed the others to a different part of the ship.
Theo started breathing heavy, “Whoa, we almost died! Why’d you have to piss off someone twice our size!? Now we’ll have to have eyes on the back of our heads!”
“Well maybe just you two.” Alena giggled.
“The perks of being the woman of the group.” Xander smiled.
“He’s talking about me, Theo.” Alena jabbed Theo in the ribs.
“Ok laugh it up!” Theo threw his hands in the air.
“Hey kid, I don’t know if you’re brave or stupid…” The man behind the counter talked to Xander.
Xander was a little taken aback, “I beg your pardon?”
“…Let me finish. Regardless of why you did it, the point is you didn’t have to do it. I wasn’t bothered by it anyways.”
“Sorry I bothered…” Xander turned to leave.
“Hold on a second! You kids are so impatient these days! As a little thank you I figured I’d give you this.” He handed Xander a black shirt with a coffee ring on it. A card fell onto to counter as Xander unfolded it.
“Uh, thanks?” Theo and Alena exchanged looks.
“That shirt was left by the last crew, but that’s the keycard to the wine cellar.”
“No shit?” Alena and Xander exchanged looks.
Theo leaned in, pushing past Xander. “Won’t we get caught?”
“Just put on the shirt, go in, grab a few things and get out. They won’t need to restock the bar for a few more hours. It’s by the laundry area, so it should be dead until around dinner time.”
Theo smiled and pointed, “Hey man, you’re alright!” He reached and grabbed the shirt.
Alena was concerned, “Can’t you lose your job by doing this?”
“They can fire me, but I’m doing it for the night.”
“What’s your name man? I really wanna thank you.” Xander held out his hand.
“Call me Kenny.” Kenny shook his hand. “Don’t take enough to get suspicious eyes on you though.”
“Thanks Kenny, we won’t!” The group turned to walk away.
“Wait, you guys ARE all 21 right?”
“Uh, yes?” Theo answered before breaking off into a sprint. The others joined him.
“Shit… Well I suppose they should enjoy tonight while they can… I hope the plan works…” Kenny was unsure as he checked his watch.
Next Chapter

Content Warnings: reference to suicide, mentioning of blood and self harm, attempted murder
Hey DDLC! This is my first time writing something like this, so I appreciate any feedback you may have! As you’ll probably be able to tell, this story is an alternative take on the original game that picks up from following Sayori’s route, accepting her confession, and choosing Yuri for the weekend. This is only a rough draft so far. I don’t have any plans or ideas in particular for how to continue this story. I’m open to suggestions if anyone wants to see this story go on. Without further adieu, here’s the story!
•••
It’s the day of the festival. As soon as I come outside, I see that Sayori is running towards me. She looks… upset? “Sayori? Are you okay-“ She throws her arms around me and hugs me tight. But this doesn’t feel like her usual, “I’m so happy to see you” hug. This hug seems to say “please don’t leave me.” My suspicion is confirmed when I hear her sob into my chest. I hug her back as tight as I can. “I’m here, Sayori. I’m here for you.” I say as I run my fingers through her hair. She hugs me tighter. “Thank you, MC.” Her voice is shaky. We stand like this for a few minutes before she lets me go. We step back from each other, and I see her eyes are red and teary. “What happened, Sayori? Are you okay?” A knot forms in my gut as soon as I say that. Of course she’s not okay. What a stupid thing to ask. Sayori takes a breath. “I’m feeling better. I just had a bad dream last night, and I needed to shake off that feeling.” “What was your dream, Sayori?” “I… I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t a nice dream, and I don’t want to think about it.” She shakes her head, then wipes her tears away and gives a big smile. “You excited for the festival today?” I wonder how she can just put on a smile like that. I want to persist about her dream, but I decide to just drop it for now. “Yeah, I’m looking forward to it. Do you want to start walking to school?” “Yup!” We start walking to school. I stop off at my house so I can grab the banner that Yuri and I made. She still needs to finish it before the festival starts. Sayori and I walk in silence for a while. I try to think of something to break the tension, but nothing comes to mind. I try to make small talk. “So how are you feeling, Sayori?” “I’m fine.” “Sayori, no one says they’re fine and means it. It’s okay to not be okay. I’m here for you if you want to talk.” She shakes her head. “No. I don’t want you to worry about me.” “I’m going to worry more if you don’t talk to me. I want to help, or at least listen to you.” Sayori takes a deep breath. “Okay. I’m gonna tell you about last night. But I don’t want you to freak out at me. Promise?” “I promise.” She takes another breath. “Okay. So last night I was feeling sad. Even though I was supposed to be feeling happy, since you said you love me. But I didn’t, and that made me feel more sad. And the rain clouds kept getting worse. So I went to bed early. “Then I had the dream. I was in a field of flowers, and a big rain cloud came. It started saying mean things. Things like I don’t matter. How I’m worthless. How I should go away forever.” Tears start to come to her eyes. “Then it got worse. I woke up, but I kept hearing the voice say horrible things. How I shouldn’t be here. How I needed to go away. But then it stopped. Like it was turned off or something. And I realized what I was doing…” She bursts into tears. I rush to put my arms around her. She buried her face in my shoulder and sobs. “It’s okay, Sayori. What were you doing?” She sniffs. “I swear, I would never do that! I’d never want to do it! I don’t know why I started doing it!” “Doing what, Sayori? You can tell me.” I brace myself, feeling like I already know the answer. But even if I’m right, I really, really want to be wrong. She holds me tighter, burying her face in my shoulder. It’s clear she doesn’t want to look at me. “I must have spaced out when I was hearing the voice. When it stopped, I found myself standing on a chair. And I was holding…” She sobs again. “A noose! I was holding a noose! I don’t know what came over me. It’s like the voice took over and wanted me to die! I’m scared, MC!” I hold her tight. “I’m here, Sayori.” What a dumb thing to say. But I can’t think right now. All I feel is scared. Would Sayori really do something like that? No, she wouldn’t. I can’t let that happen. I can’t lose my best friend. “I’m here for you. I know you’re scared. But I’m here for you. I’m not going to leave your side.” She wipes her tears away and looks at me. “T-thank you, MC.” “Are you feeling better?” She gives a small smile. “A little. I’m gonna be okay.” I can tell that this isn’t a mask. She isn’t fully okay, but I know she wants to push forward. I trust her. “Thank you for telling me, Sayori. I know that must have been hard.” “Come on. We’re going to be late for the festival.” I can tell she doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, but I’m okay with that. She’s already opening up to me, and I don’t want to pry further than she’s comfortable.
•••
Monika is already there when we walk through the door. “MC! Good to see you- oh, Sayori?” “Hi Monika.” Sayori’s happy attitude fades. I notice that she seems uneasy, so I step in. “How did the pamphlets turn out, Monika?” “Oh, the pamphlets? Hold on, I think I need to check them again.” She takes one pamphlet from the top of a stack and looks through it. “Yeah, these ones are good. They turned out pretty well.” “That’s good.” I notice Natsuki as she enters the club room. She’s carrying two large containers. Yuri follows behind her. “Hello MC. Do you have the banner?” “Yes I do.” I carry the banner over to the back of the clubroom and lay it out. Yuri smiles and takes a deep breath. “Thank you so much for bringing the banner. I’ll start painting the quote on it now. If you’d like, you can help me.” Her eyes are unsettling to me. She looks too eager to spend time with me “Sorry, I think I’m going to help out the others. Plus, you said yesterday that you’d be doing the quote. I wouldn’t want to be in the way.” “Hey MC, can you help me with these real quick?” Natsuki calls me over. “Yeah, what do you need?” “I need help setting up these cupcakes. Can you take this container and-“ “Actually, I need to talk to MC for a moment.” Monika interrupts. Natsuki looks angry. “Fine. I guess I don’t really need help anyway.” She slams the containers on the back table and begins unpacking. “So what did you need to talk about, Monika?” She grabs my sleeve and walks me to the hall outside the club room. “So… what did you do?” She’s glaring at me intensely. “What? What do you mean?” I can’t imagine that I’ve done anything wrong. “What. Did. You. Do. I know you did something. Something is different. Tell me what you did!” She’s staring at me so intensely, it’s like she’s staring through me. “All I did was greet Sayori and talk to her this morning. Is that wrong?” Monika closes her eyes and takes a breath. Her usual smile returns to her face. “No MC, you don’t need to worry about anything. There’s just… something I need to work out with Sayori.” For some reason, that sends a chill down my spine. Monika walks back into the club room, and I follow. Sayori is helping Natsuki with the cupcakes. Natsuki seems somewhat more angry than usual as she stops Sayori from eating a cupcake. “Sayori, can you help me with some of these pamphlets?” Monika calls. “Sure thing, Monika!” I walk over to Natsuki. She’s still setting up cupcakes. She’s forcefully placing each cupcake into position. “Hey Natsuki, you okay?” She mumbles something, I can’t hear what she says. “Alright, I guess I’ll leave you alone-“ “No!” I stop walking away. If she wants me here, she’s being very apprehensive about it. “What’s the matter?” “Nothing, okay?” “Are you sure?” Natsuki turns around and angrily glares at me. “I don’t mean to pry! It just seems like something is bothering you, and it seems like it’s me. So if you want me to leave you alone, I will.” She doesn’t say anything. I start to step away from her. “It’s not just you, okay?” I turn back to her. “What is it, then?” “It’s Monika. She’s always on my case, always putting me down. And she keeps messing up my manga. It’s like she doesn’t care about me at all. And then she keeps pulling you away when I’m trying to talk to you. I know that’s a stupid thing to be so mad about, but it just shoved me over the edge for some reason. Like that camel with the straws, or whatever.” “The straw that broke the camel’s back.” We both turn to see Yuri. She’s sitting by the completed banner. She looks away as she sees us turn to her. “It’s an expression that comes from camels carrying bundles of straw. When the camel is already being pushed to the limit by carrying too much straw, a single additional straw becomes too much for the camel to handle. In a figurative sense, it means that someone has built up a lot of stress or emotional baggage to the point where a small additional bit of negativity can feel overly daunting.” I’m impressed to hear Yuri’s mini-lesson on the phrase’s meaning. I guess Natsuki and I seemed surprised, because Yuri quickly looks away and starts playing with her hair. “I’m sorry, I just heard you fumble with the expression and I thought I’d clarify.” “Well, thanks Yuri,” Natsuki says sarcastically. “I didn’t need your insight, okay? It doesn’t matter what kind of extra ‘baggage’ I have!” Yuri and I are taken aback by Natsuki’s outburst. She notices our reaction, and takes a breath to recollect herself. “I’m sorry. It’s just a lot going on for me. And I won’t deny that it feels like Monika is part of it.” “Monika? Did she do something to make you feel this way?” “Not really. I just feel like she doesn’t want me around.” “I’ve been feeling that way too, as a matter of fact. Something does feel off about her.” I suddenly get a pit in my stomach. I look to the front of the room. Monika is going through the pamphlets with Sayori. Sayori looks like her mind is elsewhere. “You okay Sayori?” “Huh? Yeah, I guess I spaced out. Don’t worry, I’m okay.” Before I can talk to Monika, the bell rings. The festival is beginning. Yuri and I set up the banner, and Monika stands at the door greeting students that walk in.
•••
The festival is over. A couple students came in, we shared our poems, and they walked back out. Pamphlets are crumpled on the floor. Empty cupcake wrappers are scattered across desks. And the signup sheet is blank. Sayori looks devastated. “Well, maybe some people will come back! We’ve given them a little taste of the club, they’ll be back again!” She tries to be cheery, but it’s obvious the whole club is feeling down. “Maybe we should start cleaning up.” Yuri begins walking over to take down the banner. “Yeah, I guess so. MC, can you help me with the wrappers?” Natsuki calls out to me. “Actually, I need MC to help me with these pamphlets on the floor. There’s quite a lot of them around-“ “Oh come on, Monika! For real? Again?” Natsuki slams her hands on her desk. “Natsuki, what’s the matter?” “You! You’re what’s the matter! Every time I ask MC for a favor, you pull him away!” “What? No, that’s not true, Natsuki.” “Actually, it’s very much true, Monika.” Yuri steps in. “You tried to have MC help you over the weekend when Natsuki and I had much more difficult work. You are acting rather selfish.” “I think Monika’s in loooooove with MC!” Natsuki walks over and stands in front of Monika. “You like him, don’t you? You want him all to yourself! It’s all about what you want!” “It sounds like you like him too, Natsuki.” Monika smiles sweetly. Natsuki stops in her tracks. The look on her face looks as if she’s just been slapped, but she shakes it off. “No! Don’t you turn this on me! This is your fault! You keep pushing me and everyone else around! You made everyone share poems! You made us read for the festival! You don’t respect me or the things I care about! All you want is MC! Just Monika and MC, right?” “Stop it, Natsuki.” “No! And it’s not just me. Everyone else agrees with me. Yuri says that you’ve been pushing her away, MC thinks you’re acting weird, and Sayori is borderline terrified of you! And you never shut up about that song you play in the music room! What kind of cheesy song are you writing, anyway? It’s called something like Your Reality-“ “Natsuki, you need to stop right now!” Monika starts moving toward Natsuki. “Back off, Monika!” Natsuki cries out and slaps Monika in the face. Monika recoils in pain. The room goes silent as the other girls gape at Natsuki’s action. Monika touches her cheek. I can already see a pink mark forming on her cheek where Natsuki hit her. She stands up straight and glares at Natsuki. Then a small smile appears on her face. “So you wanna go there, huh?” Monika’s smile begins to grow bigger as she stares Natsuki down. “Well done, Natsuki. You stood up to big, bad, Monika. Good job. Doesn’t it feel good?” Her words drip with venom as she steps closer to Natsuki. Natsuki takes a step back. Sayori speaks up. “Monika, you’re scaring her. You’re scaring us. Please stop.” Tears start to form in her eyes. Monika doesn’t look away from Natsuki. She raises a finger in Sayori’s direction. “Quiet, Sayori. I think Natsuki wants to make a point.” Monika crouches down to Natsuki’s height. “Monika, stop. You’re scaring me-“ “Oh come on, Natsuki. You’re doing such a good job.” Her tone sounds like a mother comforting her frightened toddler, but her eyes have a raging fire behind them. “You’re so brave. I know you’re scared and angry. So come on. Hit me again.” “W-what?” Natsuki trembles. Her anger has transformed into pure fear. “Monika, what are you doing?” Yuri asks. She takes half a step forward, but can’t bring herself to break up the fight. “I’m letting Natsuki take what she wants. She wants to show me who’s really in charge. Just like your dad, huh Natsuki? Doesn’t he show you who’s in charge at home?” Something in Natsuki’s eyes change. She looks heartbroken. “You… you said you’d never tell anyone…” Tears begin to roll down Natsuki’s cheeks. “You promised me…” Her hands clench into fists. “There you go, Natsuki. Come on. Hit me. Let out your anger. Let it out. Show me how much better you are than me. Hit me.” “Stop it, Monika…” Natsuki’s voice trembles with anger. She’s looking straight at the ground, avoiding Monika’s gaze. Her knuckles turn white from how hard she’s holding her fists. “Look at me, Natsuki. Look at me and take a swing at my perfect face that’s so much prettier than yours. Come on over and hit me, Natsuki. Hit me. Come on and FUCKING HIT ME!” “SHUT UP MONIKA!” Natsuki charges at Monika with her fist aimed right toward her face. Monika isn’t flinching. She’s just smiling, but this smile seems different. Does she.. want to get hit? Natsuki takes a swing at Monika. But there’s no impact. The second her fist gets close to Monika’s face, Monika snaps her fingers. Natsuki’s fist just dissolves into one’s and zero’s as if she’s made of computer code. “AAAAH!” Natsuki crumples to the ground, clutching her arm and crying in pain. She looks at her hand, only to see that it’s missing along with half her forearm. Small branches of lines of code trail from her arm, as if it’s fallen apart. “AAAH!” Everyone except Monika screams in horror. “What did you do to me, Monika!?” Natsuki yells through angry tears in her eyes. “Oh relax, you’re fine, you big baby.” Monika snaps her fingers again, and Natsuki’s hand reappears. Sayori steps forward cautiously. “Monika, what… what are you?” Monika laughs as she turns to face Sayori. “I guess I never told you guys, ahaha. But it’s kind of a long story. And I can do much more than that.” Yuri walks over to Natsuki. She reaches her hand out to help her up. Monika whips her head around to face Yuri and snaps her fingers. “Ow!” Yuri yelps in pain. Her arm that’s reaching for Natsuki suddenly has a large knife sticking right through the middle of it! “Monika! Stop it!” Sayori yells. “Can’t you see they’re in pain? We’re your friends! Stop this!” Monika slowly turns to Sayori. She snaps again, and Yuri’s arm is healed. “Ah, Sayori. You’re not even supposed to be here. I thought you’d rather be hanging out in your room all day, right?” Sayori grabs my hand and squeezes it tight. “Monika, how did you…” Monika turns to me. She’s giving me that piercing look again. “Alright, so I’m going to explain what this all is to you. Ever since you started this game, I’ve come to realize just that. That this is a game. And I have the power to access the game’s files and code. That includes our friends here.” She turns to face them. “You hear that? You girls are files in a game. Artificial intelligence that’s programmed to fall in love with MC. None of you are real.” Monika turns back to me. “Finding out that this is a game is the epiphany I told you about. Now, I don’t know what you’ve done, but you’ve stopped something that I worked so hard to accomplish. She shouldn’t even be here, and she knows it.” She turns to Sayori. “That’s right, Sayori. I’m the voice in your head. I’m the raincloud. And I don’t know what you listened to that wasn’t me, but I’m going to make sure you hear me a little more clearly this time!” Monika raises her hand to snap her fingers. “No!” Sayori yells as she rushes to stop Monika’s hand. But she’s not fast enough. SNAP A glowing red string appears around Sayori’s neck. It shoots up to the ceiling and pulls her a couple feet off the ground. The string grows thicker and becomes more dull, turning into a brown rope tied into a noose around my best friend’s throat. “Moni…” Sayori’s voice is choked to a whisper. She tries to reach a nearby desk with her foot to make an attempt to stand up, but she fails. She tries to break the rope apart with her hands, but makes no progress. Tears begin to flow from her eyes as she struggles to pull herself out of the noose. “Let her down!” I yell at Monika. I try to run to help Sayori, but I can’t move. Another snap of Monika’s fingers, and red string ties my feet to the ground. I’m forced to stay put. “It wasn’t supposed to go like this,” Monika continues. “You were supposed to start to dislike her when she told you about her depression. Why would you try to make her happy if it’s mentally impossible for her?” She sighs. “Then you had to fall in love. So I tried to remove her from the game. And now that didn’t work, so I had to turn to more… drastic measures.” I look back at Sayori. She’s sobbing, but not making any sound as she mouths the word “help” while clawing at the rope. Are her hands… bleeding? She’s fighting for her life! “Yuri, Natsuki, help her!” I tell to the other members, hoping they’ll step in. I look at them, and I’m horrified by what I see. Large, ugly bruises have appeared on Natsuki. They’re on her hands and her knees, along with several cuts. She’s sitting down, slumped over like an unused ventriloquist puppet. Her head leans on her shoulder, and I notice her neck is obviously broken. Her face is ghost white, with a yellow Cheshire Cat-like grin across it. Tears of blood run down from her empty eye sockets. Yuri isn’t any better. At the end of the sleeve of her uniform, I see heavily bleeding cuts that look strategically placed. Blood is starting to soak into the upper parts of her sleeves as well, which makes me assume that her cuts go further up her arms. Her knees and her neck have huge scars that weren’t there before. She looks up at me and weakly reaches a hand toward me. There’s a hint of sadness and desperation on her face before it’s replaced with an unhinged, almost insane expression. I’m mortified. Monika is torturing all my friends, and I can’t do anything! “Don’t you see?” Monika smiles at me. “It was a mistake for you to ignore me. It was a mistake to let the others fall in love with you.” Monika walks over and crouches down next to Natsuki. She pushes a strand of hair from Natsuki’s face, causing her head to slump further. “I know you fell in love with him. Despite the player not choosing you once, your feelings still grew. It’s how you were programmed. I saw it all laid out in your file, along with your worst attributes: your cold tsundere attitude plus the uneasy relationship with your father. Such perfect qualities to amplify and make you so much less likeable.” Monika stands up and steps in front of Yuri. She’s struggling to stay upright, using her hands to support herself. Blood is trickling down her wrists and forming small pools around her hands, already soaking the ends of her sleeves. “And you too, Yuri. You were falling for MC as well. But he never felt for you. He only chose to spend the weekend with you because he couldn’t spend it with me. It was practically a coin toss between you and Natsuki, and you happened to win. And just like Natsuki, you had flaws that I chose to alter. Your tendency to act clingy, I upgraded to full blown obsession so that MC would be repulsed by you. And since you had thoughts of self harm, I decided to push you to really go for it.” Finally, Monika approached Sayori, whose face was turning purple as she hopelessly scratched at her rope. Her fingertips were definitely bleeding now. “And Sayori. The childhood friend. The bundle of sunshine. The girl next door, literally. I have hated you most. The game was designed to favor you. And of course the player chose to love you. So I amplified your depression. I became that little voice that told you how terrible you were. I figured, how could anyone love you if you were so depressed? Then the player chose to accept your confession. I had no choice but to increase your depression further. And I was just about to delete your character file from the game when something interrupted me. Now I can’t delete anything, but I can still manipulate this game. And I can still make you suffer. I can make you all suffer, even if you and your feelings aren’t real.” Monika makes her way back to me. Her piercing gaze is back again. “This is what happens when you don’t choose me. If you choose the others, they get hurt. And I’m sure you don’t want that. So choose me.”

I also posted this on /relationships.
My husband [M43] and I [F40] have been together for 17 years, married for 15. No children. It was our first marriage for both of us. We live in Australia. We have been living apart for the past month.
10 years ago he had an emotional affair with a girl who entered our friendship group. It didn't continue for too long and he expressed remorse, and I took him back. My husband has always said he doesn't feel an overwhelming emotional connection with me. He's always said an emotional connection is either there or it's not, it can't be created. So he's never tried.
I wanted to fight for our relationship and I can't say that he's really put effort into our relationship, if ever. I feel like I've been holding this marriage together this whole time.
These past 6 months were especially the worse and I could really feel the distance he was putting in between us.
It's also these past 6 months that we started hanging out with two girls Julie [F40] and Jessica [F30].
They became incorporated into our friend group (which includes another couple, and the brother of my husband) and we spent more and more time together, initiated by these girls. They were always keen to hang out with us and although I started feeling uncomfortable at some point because they were the type of girls that liked to push boundaries and get unnecessarily friendly. This was off-putting for me and I protested hanging out with them, but my husband and his brother insisted to continue hanging out.
He completely ignored my boundaries consistently, and there was a specific incident that really broke my heart.
I had some fertility issues earlier this year and I was going through IVF and a miscarriage, and during the specific day of my IVF, I was extremely physically and emotionally unwell and needed him, he left me to go hang out with the girls alone with his brother. This was boundary-breaking for our relationship.
At that point, I didn't know that this could have been a start of an affair and it never even crossed my mind.
As time went by, we became incorporated into the bigger friendship group of these girls and subsequently spent more and more time with them.
Then finally a month ago, my husband decided to tell me that he wanted time to think about the future of our marriage and wanted time apart. So we did that, and during this time apart I kept thinking that he might do something to win me back or give me some sort of affection. Nothing. During this time, we spoke to mutual friends about this, and every single person (including ones who were closer to him) all told him he was being stupid and that all couples have problems, and that we have to work through them like everyone else. There was no big problem between us. He just felt like he was not that emotionally connected with me. We didn't have any other major problems.
A few days ago, during the separation, by complete chance I saw I had his Facebook logged in to my laptop. So I decided to take a look and discovered that he was cheating on me with Jessica. I was so shocked that I couldn't stop shaking for 24 hours...I'm devastated. I didn't take any screenshots because I was just so shocked and it's clear he has changed the password since because I can't log back in anymore. I don't know if he knows if I know. I haven't said anything. After this incident, he called me and very clearly said there is no future between us and he wants to get a divorce. I said okay.
At this point, we had been separated for a month. A few days after discovering the cheating, my husband called and asked if I had made up my mind. I asked him to start, and he said that he decided that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that it's best we separate. Even with everything that had happened, I was honestly heartbroken. I have been crying since.
What is very frustrating is that during this time of separation, I noticed my husband and this girl fill their Facebook pages with love quotes and poems. Literally parading their affair and they think only they are aware.
Another point is that my husband has always preached about morals and ethics and holds himself to this high standard. He cares a lot about his reputation, and so does his family. They don't know about the affair.
I don't know what to do at this point. On one hand, I want everyone in the world to know about their affair and ruin his reputation. My husband has a great reputation in our friends and community, and so does his family. I just want it to be completely exposed that Jessica is a homewrecker and he is a cheater. But I am trying my best to stay composed and take actions that are in my best interest in terms of the divorce.
I'm really not sure what next step to take. I know if I expose him, they will try their best to screw me over in the divorce. Jessica is also a divorcee and she probably has given him some pointers.
I know there is no going back and I don't want to try anymore. I'm not sure what next steps to take beyond learning my legal rights and speaking to a divorce lawyer which I will do tomorrow.
I'm not sure how I should manage his family. He keeps contacting me to tell me he is my friend and will help me financially. I don't know if I say yes if this will be bad for me in terms of the divorce since I am agreeing with him that it's over. He is not rich or anything and I'm not looking for money.
I'm very lost and I am leaning on some of my family for support. I would appreciate any insight from someone else who has gone through this.

{Palin : Wilmont / OG : Daryl Brewer / If it’s commentary between “[ … ]” : Notes from Websleuths, BLog threads or Me / a lone "J " : 🙂}
SUMMER, 1994
14-year-old Jodi routinely fights with her parents, she shoves her mother Sandy, kicks her, and on at least one occasion, Jodi punches her mother Sandy in the face. Sandy Arias discovers 8th grade Jodi is using her mom’s tupperware to grow marijuana on the roof of their home. Sandy and Bill call the sheriffs dept. who book Jodi and two of her friends. Jodi becomes more secretive, alienating her parents, barely speaking to them.
“After that,” her father Bill says, “it was like something turned in her head… She hid everything from us and always has since then… and she has never been honest with us since then…”
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fk7Xwm4T3BQ&ab_channel=CNN)
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
AUGUST, 1995
While at a carnival with friends, 15-year-old Jodi meets 18-year-old Bobby Juarez for the first time. Unemployed and on crutches, Bobby Juarez has long dark curly hair, and Jodi says he has “an 18th century goth, kind-of” look, and that he “really likes video games”. In Yreka’s triple-digit temperatures, Bobby wears a high collar white shirt under heavy dark clothes. Jodi & Bobby ride “The Zipper” carnival ride, they begin talking. Jodi is intrigued by this man, and the two become friends.
(https://projectwasabi.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/video-icon6.jpg?w=150&h=38)
JANUARY, 1996
· According to Jodi Arias, this is when she and Bobby Juarez begin dating officially as boyfriend and girlfriend.
· When she’s 15 years old, Bobby wants to get married, move to San Francisco and hunt vampires. But Jodi (a freshman in high school) sees this as unrealistic and “too intense“, so she breaks up with Bobby.
· According to Jodi Arias – Bobby is physically abusive; including choke-holds, arm-locks, and threats to Jodi’s family.
· According to Jodi Arias, Bobby is so distraught by the breakup – he tries to kill himself by slitting his wrists. Jodi Arias claims, Bobby is committed to “some kind of psychiatric ward in Citrus Heights, just north of Sacramento.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
AUGUST 1997
Jodi travels to Costa Rica for a month to study Spanish on a student exchange program. While in Costa Rica she has a brief romance with a local teenager named Victor Arias (no relation). Victor gives Jodi a promise ring and tells her he wants to start a family with Jodi. When Jodi returns home from Costa Rica, she & Victor maintain a long-distance relationship. Jodi says Victor is too possessive so she breaks up with him.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
SEPTEMBER, 1997
While waiting tables at her parents’ restaurant, Jodi claims she often sees a “man in his 60s or 70s” who carries a heavily-annotated pocket Bible and frequently quotes scripture. According to Jodi Arias – this man frequently tells her that “he has done the math in the Bible,” and the Second Coming will occur on September 23rd, 1997.
Jodi claims at the time, she is naive and fully believes. Because Bobby is “uncertain about his spirituality“, Jodi (who identifies herself as a non-denominational Christian) thinks it important Bobby hear this information about the 2nd Coming, so he can make a decision for himself. Together again, as the Second Coming draws nigh, Jodi and Bobby rekindle their romance and begin dating anew.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
APRIL, 1998
Not for the first time, Jodi’s father Bill catches his 11th grade daughter ditching school, and he grounds her. Jodi (now 17) reacts by leaving home, dropping out of high school, and moving in with her now 20-year-old boyfriend Bobby Juarez. Still unemployed, Bobby Juarez is now living in Oregon with his new roommate Matt McCartney. When Jodi moves in, she provides financial support for the three of them by working as a waitress at Denny’s..
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
AUGUST, 1998
According to Jodi Arias, she sneaks into Bobby’s email account and discovers Bobby is exchanging love letters with another woman. Jodi breaks up with Bobby.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
JANUARY 1999
Jodi starts dating Bobby’s roommate Matt McCartney.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
JANUARY 2000
Jodi & Matt McCartney move to Yreka, and get a 1-bedroom apartment, just the two of them.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
AUGUST, 2001
Jodi claims that while she is working at Applebee’s in Yreka, two women who are customers tell Jodi that her boyfriend Matt McCartney is secretly romancing another woman named Bianca. When her shift is over, Jodi makes the 70-mile drive north to Bianca’s dormitory in Crater Lake, Oregon. On her arrival at the dorm, Jodi asks a mutual friend – Steve – for Bianca’s room number. According to Arias, Steve appears “frantic” and intentionally gives Jodi the wrong number. Jodi figures out the correct room number and knocks on the door. Bianca answers the door, talks with Jodi, and confirms Bianca and Matt are indeed having a relationship. Instead of driving all the way home – Jodi spends the night with a nearby friend named Eddie Lee.
Athough they’re no longer a “couple”, Jodi and Matt McCartney remain friends with benefits.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
Jodi met Matt McCartney when Jodi’s relationship with Bobby was on the rocks. Bobby moved to Medford, OR, and Matt was his roommate. Jodi would visit on occasion and what’s interesting is Jodi didn’t befriend Matt; instead she befriended Matt’s family. Jodi became so close to them they invited her to live in their home for free. Can you guess where? Surprise surprise, a stone’s throw from Bobby’s place.
Jodi claims it all just magically happened that way. She was down in the dumps, back in her grandparent’s house, when out of the vapors another charitable home materialized. So did Matt. It was a big ‘ole coincidink that her new home and future boyfriend happened to be situated right next to her ex. Do you see the pattern?
The universe was certainly good to Jodi when she met Matt. Now all she had to do to get her claws into Matt was stalk him a little, which wouldn’t be hard under his family’s roof. She’d find out what interests they have in common and use that to her advantage.
From Jodi’s “secret testimony” on October 30, 2014:
Wilmott: And you said that you [Jodi and Matt] went to meditation seminars?
Jodi: We did.
Wilmott: How did that come about?
Jodi: Well, he – I can’t remember – he had been exploring different religions. I was raised Christian. So at first it was a little bit odd for me, but he explained – I don’t know. He had been exploring Wiki [Wicca] Hinduism, all these different things. So we sort of kind of merged into this new age kind of genre, so to speak; and he found this meditation class online that was happening in Nevada in the Bay Area. And so we went there and we checked it out.”
They not only travel to meditation classes, they also move to Crater Lake, Oregon. Even though Matt has a stable job at the time, he gives it up to move into the woods with Jodi. Much like Darryl gives up his management job and becomes a waiter for Jodi, Matt too becomes a server for the restaurant in the national park lodge.
Why were these men so quick to change the course of their lives for Jodi? Whatever it was - possibly her (fake) charm, her body or the unwavering attention she’d give them all hours of the day - for most of them, the magnetic pull never lasted all that long.
Wilmott: Did you feel like you were progressing as far as your job was concerned and the places you were going?
Jodi: It seemed like a nicer place. Obviously, it is nicer than Denny’s; and I kind of felt like I was moving up. The money was getting better, that sort of thing.
Wilmott: So you are there for the season. What do you do after the season is over?
Jodi: We moved back to Medford.
Wilmott: What did you do when you moved back to Medford? Did you have a job waiting for you?
Jodi: Applebee’s hired me back. It is almost like we went back to our old life again.
Wilmott: What happened during the second season? Did you go back up to Crater Lake?
Jodi: No. The second season came close and Matt and I decided to have space between us. By then we weren’t getting along – we were getting along. There was a little more argument in our relationship. It wasn’t as happy anymore. We decided to spend time apart.
What was causing the divide in Jodi’s and Matt’s relationship? Was it the same thing that caused Bobby and Travis to stray? Is it possible, over time, Matt and the others started to realize how little they would become being attached to Jodi? How she would stifle them in her quest to attain her own significance. How, no matter what they gave her, she’d never be fully satisfied.
But the break up with Matt isn’t exactly cut and dried. It’s a little...messy. Initially Jodi refuses to accept she’s losing Matt. She’s invested the last, almost, two years of her life and explored a whole new way of living and thinking. In her eyes, she became exactly what Matt wanted, and even after doing that he still deemed her not good enough. So, where does that leave her? When you’ve given every ounce of yourself to somebody else, and they still don’t want you, who will?
Wilmott: When you are spending time apart, did you consider yourself broken up?
Jodi: We were not broken up [although Matt saw it differently]. We just needed space, not living together. It was like kind of a trial period. We were still together on the weekends. He still came to my apartment. I moved to Ashland and we were still together.
When pushed into the corner, Jodi used the only thing she has left in her arsenal, the same thing she uses on Travis. Sex. And it works well enough to keep Matt around for a short time even though he starts seeing somebody else…
Jodi: I found out that he was seeing somebody at Crater Lake. So –
Wilmott: How did you find that out?
Jodi: Some people who work at Crater Lake told me. I didn’t know these people, but they recognized me because on the weekends that he didn’t come stay with me, I went and stayed with him.
Wilmott: Did people come and talk to you?
Jodi: They stopped me. I don’t know how –
Wilmott: They stopped you. Did they know who you were?
Jodi: Yes
Wilmott: How do you know that?
Jodi: They said “Hi Jodi”
Jodi: I just asked them how – I asked them if I knew them. Maybe I didn’t remember them from something. They said, “We work at Crater Lake.”
Jodi: Before they left, I stopped by their table one more time and they told me.
Wilmott: They told you?
Jodi: Yeah, they said they took a vote and they decided to tell me.
Do we really believe that random mystery people, who have no connection to Jodi at all, approached her to let her know that Matt was seeing somebody else? Doesn’t it seem more likely she got her information from snooping on Matt?
Wilmott: Prior to that, did you ever see a picture of Matt and a girl at Crater Lake?
Jodi: I did. I was at Matt’s dad house hanging out with his girlfriend, and we were on the computer and were looking at photos and there were photos of a girl with – the file name was just of B. That was the initial maybe. The file names were B, B1, B2, B3 and that kind of thing.
Why is Jodi hanging out with Matt’s dad and his girlfriend? And why are they looking at pictures of Matt on his computer, without Matt? 20-something girls don’t just “hang out” with their boyfriend’s dads. But computers and social media – if you’re a snoop, and a stalker – are excellent resources. After all, it was how Jodi snooped on Travis, and there are more than a few other parallels between Jodi and Matt and Jodi and Travis.
[…]
Ummmm...shouldn’t Jodi just ask Matt what’s going on? Why is she conducting her own investigation, and isn’t there a weird sense of...a militant girlfriend going out of her way to intimidate the new girlfriend? Jodi effectively wants to mark her turf. She’s like a jealous billy goat, and she’s going to bump any suitors to her beau off the bridge, to protect her habitat, to protect her prospects. Already, is it about love or staking a claim and guarding it? Is it about love or some obscure jealous-possessiveness?
[…]
But something happens to get them back together. Jodi doesn’t explain how or why it happens but when she moves to Ventana Inn in Big Sur for a new job, Matt comes along and they live in the campgrounds together for several weeks.
Why after the cheating would Jodi still want to be hanging out with Matt? Why after driving 70 miles and confronting his girlfriend would Matt still want to be with Jodi? As a pair, each one is toxic to the other. Yet they still somehow find comfort in one another.
Is it the brokenness they have in common that glues these two together? Doesn’t that happen when we’re broken? We see ourselves in them, and they in us, and sympathy and drama, self-pity and guilt does the rest. The familiarity creates a bond despite how unhealthy it may be. Either way, Jodi and Matt developed a friendship that made them thick as thieves.
(OBSCURITY: Jodi Arias by Lisa Wilson & Nick van Der Leek)
JUNE 2001
In June 2001, Travis had fallen in love with a young woman he had met at the Young Singles Ward in Riverside. Linda Ballard was nineteen and a student at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. Travis and Linda had met once before while Linda was still in high school. He had even flirted with her, but her sister scolded him that she was still in high school and too young for him. When Linda came home for the summer after her freshman year, Travis reconnected with her, and the pair quickly became a couple. Their first date and first kiss were on June 4, 2001, exactly seven years to the day before he was murdered. Travis picked her up at her sister’s house, where she was staying. On his car’s dashboard was a picture of a young woman. “Who’s that?” Linda asked.
“Oh, that’s Deanna,” Travis replied. “She’s my missionary. She’s in Costa Rica on her mission.” Later, Linda learned that Travis had broken up with Deanna while she was in Costa Rica around the time they had begun dating.
From the start, Travis adored Linda. She was pretty, smart, and there was definitely an intense spark. She was quite beautiful, with full lips, and a radiant toothy smile. He was particularly attracted to her slender, petite frame. Linda, in turn, was taken in by Travis’s charisma and his easy way with people. Travis was just a few years older than she. At that point, he was selling day planners at Franklin Covey, a retail store in Riverside that sells organizers and offers time management training for companies and individuals. According to Linda, he was very into organization. He didn’t want to stay there long, as he had bigger plans for himself. Linda learned that he had been raised in poverty and she admired his determination to make something of himself. However, she was against his decision to forgo college in favor of finding a quick way to earn big money.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
AUGUST, 2001
Before long, the relationship between Travis and Linda became serious. They started talking about marriage almost immediately. In August, Linda had to move back to Provo for her second year at Brigham Young. Travis wanted to go to Provo, too, saying he would find an apartment, so the two could continue dating. But Linda told him not to come yet, preferring to wait a semester before Travis made such a leap. She didn’t want the pressure of having someone moving his whole life to another state for her. She wanted to date long-distance and visit each other as often as they could.
SEPTEMBER 16, 2001
Travis joined PPL
That fall, Travis was struggling financially. He wasn’t making much at Franklin Covey, and his financial picture was growing increasingly bleak. He shared a house with several other young men, but he still had rent and bills to pay. He confided to friends that he was down on his luck. Though he had saved three thousand dollars to put away for a rainy day, he had spent most of it, and there appeared to be many rainy days still ahead. From his futon, he prayed to God for an answer to his troubles. He had dreams of financial independence, world travel, and even a career in politics at some point in the future.
One morning, Travis awoke with a strong urge to connect with a fellow church member named Chris Hughes, a tall, strapping man with a cheerful yet commanding presence. Travis had heard of Chris, but the two had never really spoken. That Saturday, Travis followed his premonition and sought Chris out. He learned that Chris was a salesman for a firm called Pre-Paid Legal, and as luck would have it, Chris was searching for someone as well. Chris was looking for a key person to help him build his business in Southern California. Although PPL was a great opportunity, Chris was new to town and needed to make connections. It was a perfect fit. Except for his mission, Travis had lived in Riverside his whole life and knew tons of people. Chris had an established team and a secure career. Both men liked to describe their initial meeting as “providence,” with each searching for what the other had to offer. In the days that followed, Chris hired Travis onto his sales team at PPL.
As a sales associate, Travis had a gift for closing the deal. He used the story of his own childhood struggles to motivate potential clients. The strategy quickly won him financial rewards, and he was convinced he had found his ticket to success. But his success at PPL came with a price all its own: Linda wasn’t comfortable with PPL’s multilevel marketing approach, where every sales associate recruited people under him, and each of those people was expected to recruit more people, who would be under that person. The concept did not sit well with her. She found it awkward when Travis tried to sell the company’s services to her friends. They’d be on a double date when Travis would turn the conversation to PPL and encourage the other couple to join. Linda began to feel uneasy when they were socializing with friends, but it wasn’t enough to end the relationship.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
DECEMBER, 2001
Travis and Linda spent that Christmas with both of their families; first in Las Vegas with Linda’s father and the rest of her family, then in Riverside for Christmas dinner with Travis’s grandparents, Mum Mum and Grandpa Jim. Grandma Norma was sweet, laid-back, and easy to talk to. Everyone involved had a great time, chatting, joking, and enjoying each other’s company.
Travis was enamored with Linda and enjoyed showing her off to all his friends—even introducing her to his barber. He also wanted her to meet his mother, Pamela. She was not in good health, and he was not sure how much longer she would be around. Linda knew about Travis’s horrible childhood. He had told her about his mother’s abuse and the powerful drug addiction she had ultimately conquered, explaining how he no longer harbored animosity or resentment toward his mother and earning Linda’s admiration in the process. Still, Linda didn’t know what to expect.
During the visit, Travis and his mother were polite and cordial to each other, although they were clearly not close. While she had kicked drugs, her small home was still quite messy. She seemed to be the polar opposite of her fastidious and motivated son. Linda and Travis didn’t stay long, just long enough for Linda to smile, shake Pam’s hand, and talk for a bit.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
JANUARY, 2001
After Christmas break, the plan was for Travis to move to Provo. That January 2002, the two caravanned to Utah, using walkie-talkies to stay in touch for the long drive. Linda had found Travis a house to share with other single Mormon men and helped him move in. His place was not far from the house she shared with several other young Mormon women.
The momentum of their relationship was powerful. The two would kiss and cuddle together, but they never went further. Both were intent on adhering to the tenets of their shared religion, but it was hard for them to control their desires. Travis was anxious to enjoy a sexual relationship, but because sex out of wedlock was considered a sin by the Mormon church, Travis wanted to wait to have marital intimacy. Still, he was sure he had found his soul mate. Months earlier he had even gone out and bought her an engagement ring, and had gone so far as to ask Linda’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
February 5, 2001
Although Linda knew that Travis wanted to get married, she was having doubts about making him her life partner. She was very young and not sure that she was ready to make the ultimate commitment. She loved him, but she just wasn’t sure he was the one. She began praying over whether or not she should marry him, and the answer she got back was “no.”
On February 5, she went to Travis’s apartment to end things. She told him she didn’t feel right about getting married. She wasn’t sure if it was because he wasn’t the right one, or it was simply bad timing. She said she was still very young, and marriage was a big step. When she said they needed to break up and move on with their lives, Travis was devastated. He began crying uncontrollably. “I just can’t picture my life without you,” he said, tears running down his cheeks. She had never seen him cry so intensely, and it broke her heart.
Travis sent Linda an email later that night, telling her he didn’t know if he would ever find anyone else like her and apologizing for not being worthy. “I wish that I could show my best self. I feel like I have so much to offer, and I feel like you haven’t seen the best Travis that there is. I want to be better, and I want you to see my best self.”
Linda felt terrible for him. For some reason, she was no longer sure how she felt about seeing him. “It’s a timing thing,” she told him in a reply email. “We’ll keep dating.” The two got back together within the hour.
“I want to marry you, and I will wait for you to make up your mind,” Travis told her.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
FEBUARY 10, 2001
On February 10, Travis’s grandfather had a heart attack, and Travis immediately flew back to California to be with him and Mum Mum. He even moved in with Chris Hughes temporarily to be near his grandmother in case she needed him. Later that month, Linda traveled to Riverside to visit. While there, Travis brought her to a PPL meeting. He was enthusiastic for her to find out more about it, hoping it would turn her less negative. It was there that she saw Deanna Reid, the girl in the photo on Travis’s dashboard. Deanna had returned from Costa Rica, and apparently had been recruited into PPL as well. By now Linda knew about their past relationship, so she was curious about her.
After the meeting, Travis signed Linda up as a new recruit. She was uncomfortable with that, but he told her not to worry, he would do all the work. Although Linda accepted Travis’s choices, she continued to feel that a college degree would serve him better and open more doors in the future. The day after the meeting, Linda came to see Travis at Chris’s house, and the two had a long talk. They considered dating other people, but still while dating each other, too. Travis agreed, hoping that this meant there was still a chance that their relationship would work out.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
MARCH 8, 2001
On March 8, Travis flew back to Utah, and the two continued to date. Linda was still trying to decide how she felt about the relationship. For the next several months, Travis did all sorts of special things to woo her—cooking her dinners, baking her cookies, and taking her out on really nice dates. After all his effort, Linda felt torn. A part of her wanted to marry him, but some other part of her was still questioning a lifetime partnership.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
MAY, 2001
That May, Linda and her friend Krista took a road trip from Provo to Riverside. While in Southern California, they went on a double date in Huntington Beach with Travis and his friend Mark. During the evening, Linda and Travis danced to Chris de Burgh’s “Lady in Red,” the same song the two had danced to on one of their first dates the previous June. Suddenly, as they slow-danced, Linda began to cry. All at once, reality hit her. This would probably be the last time the two would dance together.
Linda had decided to move on. Travis soon packed up his stuff in Provo and moved back to Riverside. After the breakup, Travis wrote Linda a poem, the gist of it being he only wanted the best for her, whether that meant staying with him or going their separate ways. He was heartbroken, but ready to move on with his life. Now Travis Alexander was going to put all of his considerable intelligence and drive into becoming a financial success.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
2001
In Travis’ texts, he’s quite critical of others, even though he had no ability to censor his own life. When his ex-girlfriend Linda Ballard dumped him in 2001 because she hated PPL and wanted no part of it, his response was:
“she valued traditional education and predictability of a job over the greater earnings potential of a entrepreneur.”
In other words, I’m superior – I’ll get rich off of PPL – and you’ll be a sucker working 9-5pm earning a meagre pay check. Where was all of this bravado in Travis coming from?
When Lisa lost her job during the course of their dating, what did Travis do? He talked to her about the possibility of PPL. He talked to all of his girls about the business. If it wasn’t bad enough he was recruiting them for blow jobs, he was wheeling and dealing them with business propositions as well.
(VANITY: Jodi Arias by Lisa Wilson & Nick van der Leek)
EARLY 2002
Jodi and Matt both make their way south seeking work in central California’s lucrative tourist industry. At the Ventana Inn & Spa in Big Sur, California – Jodi is interviewed by Darryl Brewer. The food and beverage manager is impressed by the young woman, and he hires Jodi immediately. According to Jodi Arias, Matt gets hired a few days later. Like most employees at the Ventana – Jodi and Matt live in tents on designated campsites owned & operated by the resort. Jodi and Matt continue a no-strings relationship as “friends with benefits“.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
SPRING 2002
The sweltering hundred-degree days of summer in Southern California did not slow Travis down. He was disappointed that his relationship with Linda had failed, but he found comfort in his work with PPL and in the arms of his old flame, Deanna Reid. In the spring of 2002, after Travis had returned from Provo to Riverside, the two began seeing each other at the Young Single Adult Ward functions, and they quickly found their romance back in full throttle. Deanna had even gone to visit him in Utah while he was still living there. She was Travis’s rock, always there for him as a loyal friend and, when the moment was right, happy to become his romantic partner once again.
For the next three years, Travis and Deanna dated exclusively. While they lived separately—Deanna with her parents and Travis in a rented house with other single Mormon men—they were a regular couple around town. They were very social together, taking in movies, hiking, and hanging out with friends. Everyone, including Linda Ballard, was convinced they would eventually be married.
With Deanna back in his life, Travis felt a sense of security and stability. He could now focus on becoming his best possible self. He began each day with a motivational exercise. On a three-by-five-inch index card, he listed the six things he believed were essential to do every day: prayer; reading scripture; reading ten pages of a good book; listening to thirty minutes of personal development; working out; and making money. He wrote the same list on a new index card every morning, until the six items became a routine part of his day. As time went on, he added a seventh item to his list, and then an eighth, and so on. He also created other lists of things he wanted to do for fun or out of necessity. They could be anything from updating his calendar to thirty minutes of practicing Spanish. Once the lists were made, he studied them and asked himself, “If this was all to get done, would it be an amazing day?” Sometimes the answer was “yes,” other times it was “no.” Either way, he wouldn’t start his day unless he could say that it was going to be “one for the ages.” Travis claimed his morning index card ritual had increased his productivity fivefold. He was convinced it was because people tended to finish what they focused on. “Write down what you want life to bring you today, and chances are life will bring it to you on a silver platter,” he posted online in his blog.
As with Linda, Deanna’s involvement in PPL was mostly for him. She already had a full-time job, working in customer service for a security company in Irvine, California, where she was stuck in a cubicle all day. She wasn’t crazy about the work, but the money was good. Still, she went to the PPL meetings, helped with the setup, and manned the sign-in tables. She even did some sales. While she wasn’t as high in the ranks of the company as everyone else seemed to be, she did like the personal development aspect of it. More important, she liked what the company had done for Travis. He’d become more confident, and his public speaking skills had really improved. He’d always had a swagger, and running the meetings and speaking in front of large groups seemed to fit his personality. At last, he seemed to have found his niche.
(Exposed: The Secret Life of Jodi Arias by Jane Velez-Mitchell)
AUGUST 2002
JA JOURNAL ENTRY (08-2002)
[There are a few pages of a 2002 journal in what's listed as journal #3. They relate to breaking up with MM. And they're not crazy as in obsessive at all...they just…]
AUGUST 2002
JA JOURNAL ENTRY (08-2002)
“Falling out of love is certainly a much slower process than falling into it, although he [Matt] reached that point long before I did. I know that we are already advanced beings, and we continue to advance w/each experience. I am ahead of my progress thus far, and content[d] that I possess the wisdom and maturity to be able to continue cultivating a solid friendship w/a rare, kindred soul. What we shared was unique, and w/that I learned some very unique lessons.
Sometimes it’s difficult to grasp that what I believed as forever was only preparatory for all experiences to follow. I can truly say that I am a completely different person after our relationship from whom I was before. I will say that the only claim I make for such a radical change is due the very process by which I think it is one thing, yet it has such a magnificent impact on reality. We truly are what we think.
Lessons learned in life occasionally need review. Review is what Matt and I had the other day on the phone when I felt so lost. He helped me re-remember. “Come on, Jodi. You know all of this already.” Yes, I do. I must remember to choose or the default reality of will choose for me, the reality which stems from unmonitored thoughts and unchecked feelings. I must always remember who I am. I am a child of the Infinite Creator. I am a child of light. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. How exciting! Taking into consideration the illusion we’ve so heavily bought into and relied upon for many lifetimes. TIME.
(Karas On Crime: Jodi's Journal)
APRIL 22, 2002
JA JOURNAL ENTRY
I don’t know if I would venture so far as to call what I am feeling right now depression. Although it saddens me to think back wistfully on times when my world [w]as perfect. I was complete and I always had a reason to smile. Such dramas as emotional turmoil could never exist. They were but a subconscious memory of times long ago.
(Karas On Crime: Jodi's Journal)
LATE 2002
Jodi begins dating her manager Darryl Brewer. Accordingly, Darryl Brewer says this is the time when he decides “to step out of [his] management position”, and the 42-year-old divorcee takes a position as Event Coordinator (no longer Jodi’s supervisor). At this time, Brewer’s son Jack is 3 years old.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)
JANUARY, 2003
After attending a San Francisco 49er’s game, Darryl Brewer and Jodi spend the night together. The two fall in love, taking their relationship to a more serious level. Brewer describes Jodi’s sexual appetite as “aggressive and enthusiastic”. Brewer says they’re both very comfortable with their intimacy. On the witness stand, Brewer recalls they had anal sex at least once, but cannot recall whether or not they did it more than once.
(http://jodi.projectwasabi.com/)

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired, but I'm open to discussing counter-arguments. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
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Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
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Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
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Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
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First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

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Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
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Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
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Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
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Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
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The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
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Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
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Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

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Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired, but I'm open to discussing counter-arguments. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
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Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
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Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) that aims to be a harsh critique of him and the eco-fascists he has inspired. If you have anything you'd like to add just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​

Ethical justifications for guerrilla war

He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​

The noble savage ideal

There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole that fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma that leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
​
Individualists Tending to the Wild (In Spanish: Individualistas Tendiendo a lo Salvaje, ITS)
ITS is a self-defined eco-extremist group that emerged in Mexico in 2011, whose members were originally part of the green & insurrectionary left-anarchist milieus who likely grew up on earth first monkey-wrenching manuals from the 80s. Upon reading the Unabomber's manifesto they stopped committing arsons aimed at sabotaging evil companies and instead started to desire to have the wider effect of terrorizing people through fear of injury or death on the simple principle of being against technology and wanting to regress to hunter-gatherer societies:
Here are old members of the FAI / CCF in Mexico acknowledging former collaboration:

Although ITS were one of the few clusters with which we did not directly coordinate when undertaking joint actions, we were in solidarity with them, in the same way that some of the comrades that made up our affinity groups obtained monetary resources for them to solve specific difficulties when requested. That has been (and is) the basis of practical co-ordination between the new anarchic insurrectionalism and eco-anarchism.

And here is an answer members of ITS gave in a text interview in 2014 showing they were leftists and not simply post-left-&-right:

Individualists tending towards the wild formed at the beginning of 2011, and was motivated by the reasoning acquired during a slow process of getting to know, questioning, and the rejection of all that encompasses leftism and the civilized, and accordingly, employing all the above, we deemed it necessary to carry out the direct attack against the Technoindustrial System. We think that the struggle against this is not only a stance of wanting to abandon Civilization, regressing to Nature, or in refuting the system’s values, without also attacking it.

They call themselves nihilists in that they don’t want to claim to be beholden to pursuing any concrete narratives, like the goal of destroying all advanced technological systems, but instead hope to inspire others to a simple psychology of anger and resentment at the conformity they were forced to grow up with.
Interestingly Ted in prison has critiqued the sometimes random attacks of ITS and argued to the extent they are organizing with others should be working to bring about a primitivist revolution in going after riskier targets like electricity grid stations. But it’s almost as if ITS feel being able to do random attacks is what’s owed to them by being free and that to listen to Ted now would be helping serve his needs as a theorist from prison, to the detriment of their own desires.
They are also now firmly on the far-right, quoting from the now-banned Facebook page of the eco-fascist publication Atassa:

All anti-civ thought and fascism have the same founding premise and modus operandi. These are that a large chunk of the human population holds down a selected group that could potentially function successfully if these other groups were not around. The solution is thus to cull the land of those people, either the scapegoat of all societal ills (fascism) or the vast majority of people who could not function without the support of techno-industrial society (anarcho-primitivism / anti-civ green anarchy). Both ideologies can be reluctant or coy about the mehtodology they use or its results ("an ethno-state does not lead directly to genocide", "the destruction of the power grid is not intended to directly kill billions of people"). However, the ethical decision of both is the same: do what needs to be done to allow those who can be free to be free, and damn the consequences. Eco-extremism does not shy away from this.

For context here is a communique of who Atassa are from ITS themselves:

The northern lands of the American continent are being won over by the tendency that moves away from political humanism and spits mockingly on hyper-moral civilized values.
It was obvious that the rabid followers of humanism would protest against the incorrect words and the "atrocious" acts of ITS in Mexico, Argentina, Chile and Brazil. Scared, they would whisper, "I hope ITS doesn't come to the U.S." and that's what happened. ITS hasn't come to the U.S., but (here is the "but") little by little the most emblematic theorists of eco-extremism were arriving, who created publishing projects and put into circulation websites that reproduced the discourse against human progressivism.
The first sign we have to support this is the publication of Atassa magazine, the first issue of which was a tremendous blow for the humanist slanderers, demonstrating the arrival of eco-extremism to the U.S. The second issue will be a true earthquake for those same defamers of the tendency.

​

Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small one-room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in, and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

For further reading scroll to the bottom of the google doc (the last post got caught in the Reddit filter for too many external links):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kazcynski (the Unabomber), so if you have any ideas or would like to talk about it in text or over voice, just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
​
Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
​
Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
​
Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
​
First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
​

Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​
Ethical justifications for guerrilla war
He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​
The noble savage ideal
There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole which fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma which leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
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Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small 1 room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
​

Further Reading

General Resources

• The Philosophy of the Unabomber (15 min philosophy breakdown video)
• The Unabomber: The Devastating Use of a Brilliant Mind (20 min biography)
• A brother lost, a brotherhood found (article)
• From the Unabomber to the Incels: Angry Young Men on Campus - Eileen Pollack Considers Their Rage and Our Responsibility (article)
• Running to Do Evil (podcast with recorded snippets of Kazcynski)
• Unabomber - In His Own Words (2 h 55 min documentary series with recorded snippets of Kazcynski)
• Manhunt (true-crime drama)
• Rational Wiki Profile (wiki article)
• Unabomber: the secret life of Ted Kaczynski (book biography)

Effect on the left-wing

• Children of Ted Two decades after his last deadly act of ecoterrorism, the Unabomber has become an unlikely prophet to a new generation of acolytes. By John H. Richardson (The New Yorker Magazine article)
• The Left-Overs: How Fascists Court the Post-Left (30 min read time - history article)
• AFed statement on kneecapping of nuclear executive by Informal Anarchist Federation by The Anarchist Federation (article)
• Anarcho-Nihilism Review The Ideology of Insurrection (15 min comedy/educational video)

Wild Reaction (ex-leftist, eco-fascist terror group inspired by the Unabomber)

• There’s Nothing Anarchist about Eco-Fascism: A Condemnation of ITS
• Not Our Comrades: ITS Attacks on Anarchists
• “Eco-extremism and the indiscriminate attack – The Church of ITS Mexico” by L (UK) (critique of wild reaction an eco-fascist group inspired by the Unabomber)
• Of Indiscriminate Attacks & Wild Reactions An Anti-civ Anarchist Engages with ITS and Atassa, Their Defenders and Their False Critics by Edelweiss Pirates - Text & PDF
• Against the World-Builders: Eco-extremists respond to critics (An ex-leftist defends eco-fascism)
• Comments on the communiques from Individualists Tending toward the Wild — by Último Reducto 20 pp.
• Apostles and Heretics by John Jacobi - Primitivist Journal

Effect on the right-wing

• Inside the Unabomber's odd and furious online revival plus pictures left out of the editors edition & response by the twitter eco-fascists called Who are the pines? - Wired article
• Eco-Fascist ‘Pine Tree Party’ Growing as a Violent Extremism Threat - Terrorist watchdog site
• The Dark Side of Environmentalism (Eco-fascism) (8 min video)

Ted Kaczynskis' Writing
Theory

• Industrial Society and Its Future - 120 pp. (manifesto)
• Hit where it hurts — 17 pp. (call to violence written from prison)
• Technological Slavery (book of essays)
• Afterthoughts to Technological Slavery - 14 pp.
• Why the Technological System Will Destroy Itself (essay)
• Anti-Tech Revolution: Why and How (an updated version of the manifesto)

Key Life Events

• How I Blew Up Harold Snilly
• Letter to a Turkish anarchist — 27 pp.
• An Interview with Ted Kaczynski — 16 pp.
• The Communiques of Freedom Club — 34 pp.
• Truth & Lies - Part 1 & Part 2 (Book written just after his sentencing, never published in print, just photocopied online)
• Ted Kaczynski’s Comments on Timothy McVeigh — 7 pp.

Fiction

• Ship of Fools — 8 pp.

Misc. Letters

• Ted Kaczynski’s Interview with the John Jay Sentinel — 10 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski Letter to an Anonymous German — 17 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski Letter to A.O. — 5 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski letter to M.K. — 9 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski on Individualists Tending Toward Savagery (ITS) — 4 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski’s Letter to the Saturday Evening Review (1970) — 3 pp.
• Answer to Some Comments Made in Green Anarchist — 9 pp.

Misc. Theory

• The Littering Ape — Apios Tuberosa (pseud. Ted Kaczynski) 3 pp.
• Marcos Loves Modernization — 4 pp.
• Morality and Revolution — 16 pp.
• Progress versus Liberty — 21 pp.
• The System’s Neatest Trick — 21 pp.
• When Non-Violence is Suicide — 5 pp.

Hey all, I'm working on topic ideas for a podcast episode on the life of Ted Kazcynski (the Unabomber), so if you have any ideas or would like to talk about it in text or over voice, just let me know. You can also comment directly on the google doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HgZpVe0XrMOv_ofwSRS3T-qVQ8NgVjZ-CW2Q1UuCnxs/
​
Intro
Ted Kaczynski is the Unabomber, a homegrown terrorist who over the course of 17 years planted or mailed at least 16 bombs. He killed 3 people and wounded 24. He wasn’t a religious fundamentalist, but he was a fundamentalist. His enemy was, essentially, modern society. He grew up in Chicago, attended Harvard, but he wound up living alone in a remote cabin in the Montana woods. He was arrested in 1996 after one of the most notorious and longest manhunts in history, and he was sentenced to life in prison.
​

Some key life moments

Separation From Parents As A Baby
A week in the hospital as a baby where he wasn't allowed to see his parents at all for nurses being understaffed and not wanting parents to be in the way. And taking a long time to trust his parents again and be receptive to them.
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Loneliness After Being Moved Forward A Year At School
Being moved forward a year at school and then getting into university another year early on top of that, so struggling to make friends at school.
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Psych Experiments For The CIA
Being part of Harvard psychology experiments with professors who worked with the CIA, where the professors' objective was to humiliate the student for the philosophy they held as most important to them.
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Sex Change Plans & First Desire To Kill (A Psychiatrist)
Confusion about whether he wanted a sex change operation, in order to explore desires for women which he hadn't had the space to learn to understand. Which when he changed his mind, turned into hateful resentment for a society that he felt had made him confused and depressed.
Then a desire to carefully plan his murders and pick targets he thought some people would intellectually admire him for picking, as in his eyes the evilest people deserving of fighting a guerrilla war against. Could be seen as a way of getting the validation he didn’t get from friends as a child on his own terms, for being special and intelligent enough to have discovered all these connections and go after the worst offenders. Rebelling against social alienation and mediocrity/ fear of the harder task of finding meaning with others, that there’s no special meaning given to your life for just being you.
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First Parcel Bomb
Kaczynski's first mail bomb was directed at Buckley Crist, a professor of materials engineering at Northwestern University. On May 25, 1978, a package bearing Crist's return address was found in a parking lot at the University of Illinois at Chicago. The package was "returned" to Crist, who was suspicious because he had not sent it, so he contacted campus police. Officer Terry Marker opened the package, which exploded and caused minor injuries.
In answer to a letter sent in to him asking ‘how/when did he decide to bomb people?’ Kaczynski answered:

It would take too much time to give a complete answer to the last part of your ninth question, but I will give you a partial answer by quoting what I wrote for my journal on August 14, 1983:
The fifth of August I began a hike to the east. I got to my hidden camp that I have in a gulch beyond what I call “Diagonal Gulch.” I stayed there through the following day, August 6. I felt the peace of the forest there. But there are few huckleberries there, and though there are deer, there is very little small game. Furthermore, it had been a long time since I had seen the beautiful and isolated plateau where the various branches of Trout Creek originate. So I decided to take off for that area on the 7th of August. A little after crossing the roads in the neighborhood of Crater Mountain I began to hear chain saws; the sound seemed to be coming from the upper reaches of Roaster Bill Creek. I assumed they were cutting trees; I didn’t like it but I thought I would be able to avoid such things when I got onto the plateau. Walking across the hillsides on my way there, I saw down below me a new road that had not been there previously, and that appeared to cross one of the ridges that close in Stemple Creek. This made me feel a little sick. Nevertheless, I went on to the plateau. What I found there broke my heart. The plateau was criss-crossed with new roads, broad and well-made for roads of that kind. The plateau is ruined forever. The only thing that could save it now would be the collapse of the technological society. I couldn’t bear it. That was the best and most beautiful and isolated place around here and I have wonderful memories of it.
One road passed within a couple of hundred feet of a lovely spot where I camped for a long time a few years ago and passed many happy hours. Full of grief and rage I went back and camped by South Fork Humbug Creek.
The next day I started for my home cabin. My route took me past a beautiful spot, a favorite place of mine where there was a spring of pure water that could safely be drunk without boiling. I stopped and said a kind of prayer to the spirit of the spring. It was a prayer in which I swore that I would take revenge for what was being done to the forest.
My journal continues: “[...] and then I returned home as quickly as I could because I have something to do!”
You can guess what it was that I had to do.

​
Plan To Kill A Date Who Broke Off Their Romance

To earn some money, Ted had moved back from his cabin to the family home to work at the same foam-cutting factory where his father and brother now worked. He briefly dated a female supervisor at the factory, but the woman cut off the relationship after a few dates. Ted responded by posting crude limericks about her around the factory.
Dave, who worked part time as a night supervisor, confronted Ted in the storage room. It was a turning point in their relationship.
"He looked at me as a friend," Dave recalled, "and by the time I got done speaking to him, he was all shut down."
The next day, Ted walked up to the machine where Dave was working and posted another insulting poem.
"Are you going to fire me now?" Ted defiantly asked.
Heartbroken, Dave replied, "Yes, Ted. Go home."
Ted did, shutting himself in his room for days. Dave worried he had forced some sort of "psychological break."
Ted eventually knocked on Dave's bedroom door and handed him a letter. "I'll show this to you, only on the condition that you don't discuss this with me," Ted said.
It was a note Ted intended to send to the woman, explaining himself. It was an apology of sorts, but it also contained the disturbing claim that Ted was so enraged that he had waited in the woman's car with a knife, planning to mutilate her. In the end, Ted wrote, he couldn't do it.
Attacking someone face to face proved too much for him.

​
Relief At Being Able To Kill People With His Bombs
In 1979, a bomb was placed in the cargo hold of American Airlines Flight 444, a Boeing 727 flying from Chicago to Washington, D.C. A faulty timing mechanism prevented the bomb from exploding, but it released smoke, which caused the pilots to carry out an emergency landing. Authorities said it had enough power to "obliterate the plane" had it exploded. Kaczynski sent his next bomb to Percy Wood, the president of United Airlines.
This was done simply due to planes flying over his cabin bothering his peace.
These first few attacks against Universities and Airlines were how he got the name UnAbomber.
He was using match heads and other scraps he could find in people’s garages while they were out. So as he was still learning he wasn’t able to make any lethal bombs. He wrote in his diary that he wished he could get his hands on some dynamite.
After he read news of managing to injure an airline executive, he wrote in his diary “I feel better, I'm still plenty angry, I'm now able to strike back.”
After reading in a newspaper that his first murder victim, computer salesman Scrutton, had been "blown to bits,” Kaczynski wrote in his journal, “Excellent. Humane way to eliminate somebody. He probably never felt a thing. $25,000 reward offered. Rather flattering.”
​
Offer to stop bombing for newspapers publishing his manifesto
Letter to the New York Times:

We are getting tired of making bombs. It’s no fun having to spend all your evenings and weekends preparing dangerous mixtures, filing trigger mechanisms out of scraps of metal or searching the sierras for a place isolated enough to test a bomb. So we offer a bargain. We have a long article, between 29,000 and 37,000 words, that we want to have published. If you can get it published according to our requirements we will permanently desist from terrorist activities.

Contents of the manifesto:

At 35,000 words, Industrial Society and Its Future lays very detailed blame on technology for destroying human-scale communities. Kaczynski contends that the Industrial Revolution harmed the human race by developing into a sociopolitical order that subjugates human needs beneath its own. This system, he wrote, destroys nature and suppresses individual freedom. In short, humans adapt to machines rather than vice versa, resulting in a society hostile to human potential.
Kaczynski indicts technological progress with the destruction of small human communities and rise of uninhabitable cities controlled by an unaccountable state. He contends that this relentless technological progress will not dissipate on its own because individual technological advancements are seen as good despite the sum effects of this progress. Kaczynski describes modern society as defending this order against dissent, in which individuals are adjusted to fit the system and those outside it are seen as bad. This tendency, he says, gives rise to expansive police powers, mind-numbing mass media, and indiscriminate promotion of drugs. He criticizes both big government and big business as the ineluctable result of industrialization, and holds scientists and "technophiles" responsible for recklessly pursuing power through technological advancements.
He argues that this industrialized system's collapse will be devastating and that quickening the collapse will mitigate the devastation's impact. He justifies the trade-offs that come with losing industrial society as being worth the cost. Kaczynski's ideal revolution seeks not to overthrow the government but the economic and technological foundation of modern society. He seeks to destroy existing society and protect the wilderness, the antithesis of technology.

On his arrest they found a bomb ready to be mailed, so either he never planned to keep his word or his anger drove him to carry on.
​
Arrest
Arrest as a result of his brother recognizing his writing in his manifesto. His brother helped build his cabin and enjoyed a life close to the wilds also, but wasn’t fundamentalist about it in the way Ted was, he had been hurt when Ted after coming over from Harvard and hardened after the psychology experiments were performed on him, had been very dismissive of his younger brothers forming ideas about politics and philosophy. Unlike the Boston bombers, luckily their paths diverged.
​
Court
Told lawyers they could adopt any defense they like other than an insanity defense. And they ran only the insanity defense. So fearing having his bombings labeled the work of an insane man and potentially having to take anti-psychotic drugs which might change him, first he attempted suicide, then he accepted a plea deal. A year after the sentencing he said death would be preferable to life, but the reason he stopped the first attempted suicide was fear of just becoming brain damaged.
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Theory vs. Action

He had a disgust for the university elite's ideology disconnected from the world. Had the desire to share with the world some useful philosophical theory and some not so useful action sabotaging industry which is harmful to the environment, but because his childhood was about being forced to conform to an ideal of academic success at the expense of mental health and community, he thought he was only one of few people who had woken up to the downside of this conformity, so no mass movement of people breaking with the system was possible.
But I think that idea in itself reveals a naivety about human potential and naive optimism about an elite underclass who will always be willing enough to risk their lives to tear down industrial society, to even stop it re-emerging if it ever could be destroyed.
To an extent, social movement membership is tied to events that are hard to predict, like the children who grew up in the formerly fascist countries after WW2 formed the most active left-wing militant movements, which can be understood to be in part anger at their parents' generation for buying into fascism. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just about learning those lessons, to counsel people to take only the actions which are ethical and the consequences they are comfortable living with, to make the movement as sustainable as possible.
And obviously sometimes getting caught isn’t a total loss to the movement, the publicity received for a worthwhile act of civil disobedience, like for a Nelson Mandela figure can be a net gain, but it does have to be a struggle people can sympathize with.
​
Ethical justifications for guerrilla war
He thinks accelerating the need to dismantle industrial society is too urgent to wait on non-violence because the effects of waiting will only be worse.
Most people agree that anyone who took it upon themselves to assassinate Hitler a day before the break out of WW2 would be seen as committing an ethical act, no matter who follows because throwing a wrench into the cult of personality spell built around Hitler would be a significant set back for the fascist state’s grip over the people. And given all the evidence pointing to the inevitability of war, such an act could easily be seen as a necessary preemptive act.
Most can sympathize with quick revolutions against dictatorships where the result is a freer society, like the Kurdish uprising in Northern Syria which took power from a regime that had rolled tanks on demonstrators and outlawed the teaching of their native language.
But, even there, there are key foundations you need to work from, like the probability you won’t just give an excuse for the oppressor committing even worse horrors as was the case with the Rohingya militants who ambushed a police checkpoint, resulting in an army & citizen campaign to burn down many villages, plus murder and rape those that couldn’t get away.
As well as a responsibility to put down arms after winning political freedoms and a majority are in favor of diplomacy through electoral politics, like in Northern Ireland today.
Under representative parliamentary systems, the sentiment of most is that even if it could be argued that a war of terror against the ruling class was the easiest route to produce a better society, that it would still be ethically wrong to be the person who takes another’s life just because it’s the easiest way. Since regardless of manufactured consent or anything else you still could have worked to build a coalition to overcome those obstacles and change the system slowly from within.
And I agree, it would be an act of self-harm to treat life with such disregard when you could have been that same deluded person shrouded in the justificatory trappings of society treating your behavior normally. I don’t think the way we win today is treating a cold bureaucratic system with equally cold disregard in whose life we had the resources to be able to intimidate this week. Time on earth is the greatest gift people have, to make mistakes and learn from them.
Still, some are tempted into violent direct action as a reaction to what they see as the state’s terrorism in the form of drone strikes or torture at Guantanamo Bay, the Vietnam war’s white phosphorous, or in my country undercover cops sleeping with and having kids with protesters they’re investigating.
As a socialist, I do think we can hypothesize the unrealistic case of 99% of society desiring a referendum on a shift from parliamentary representative system to a federated spokes council system and the MP's dragging their feet, the same way both parties gerrymander the boundaries to make it easier to win despite it being the one issue most everyone agrees is bad, and people needing to storm the halls of power to force a vote to happen.
More likely though, an opportunity for revolution might arise from such a confluence of events as climate refugees and worker gains forcing the state and corporations into trying to crack down on freedoms in order to preserve their power and enough people resisting that move, who are then able to take power and usher in radical policy change, with either the army deciding to stand down or splitting into factions.
​
The noble savage ideal
There’s a quote I really like by Saul Newman about how the desire for a primitive way of life is for a more innocent time in one’s childhood, but I would need to find a way of paraphrasing it so it’s not so jargon filled:

Where Zerzan’s argument becomes problematic is in the essentialist notion that there is a rationally intelligible presence, a social objectivity that is beyond language and discourse. To speak in Lacanian terms, the prelinguistic state of jouissance is precisely unattainable: it is always mediated by language that at the same time alienates and distorts it. It is an imaginary jouissance, an illusion created by the symbolic order itself, as the secret behind its veil. We live in a symbolic and linguistic universe, and to speculate about an original condition of authenticity and immediacy, or to imagine that an authentic presence is attainable behind the veils of the symbolic order or beyond the grasp of language, is futile. There is no getting outside language and the symbolic; nor can there be any return to the pre Oedipal real. To speak in terms of alienation, as Zerzan does, is to image a pure presence or fullness beyond alienation, which is an impossibility. While Zerzan’s attack on technology and domestication is no doubt important and valid, it is based on a highly problematic essentialism implicit in his notion of alienation.
To question this discourse of alienation is not a conservative gesture. It does not rob us of normative reasons for resisting domination, as Zerzan claims. It is to suggest that projects of resistance and emancipation do not need to be grounded in an immediate presence or positive fullness that exists beyond power and discourse. Rather, radical politics can be seen as being based on a moment of negativity: an emptiness or lack that is productive of new modes of political subjectivity and action.[29] Instead of hearkening back to a primordial authenticity that has been alienated and yet which can be recaptured – a state of harmony which would be the very eclipse of politics – I believe it is more fruitful to think in terms of a constitutive rift that is at the base of any identity, a rift that produces radical openings for political articulation and action.

Some activities connecting you to the feelings you had as a child can be absolutely essential though, like the joy of experimentation where you can more easily enjoy the wonder of a forest by making up which path you’ll take as you go along.
Part of recruiting people to our political side on environmental protest sites was turning the camp into an action playground with low-down walkways for people to practice on, for people to get in touch with their youngeanimal self again.
Kaczynski does argue against any utopian vision of anarcho-primitivism, he desires to go back to the middle ages of swords, bow and arrows and water wheels because of the negative effects he sees technology having on our freedoms, although more wildlife habitat would be valuable to him, the principle for him is being anti-systems of technology which pressure us to live in towns and cities.
​

Primitivists, Conspiracists & The Fascist Creep

First of all, I just want to get out the way that you can fall into the primitivist or conspiracist rabbit hole on all sides of the political compass, you can even get centrists conspiracy theorists who just think everything would be fine and could go back to the normal centrist status quo, if only it wasn’t for this big tech shadow government.
But to the extent there are these irrational rabbit holes people can fall down anywhere on the political spectrum, they can act as a kind of wormhole which fast tracks people to diametrically opposite political positions.
So how this can happen on the far-left is if you’re struggling with the contradictions of having say a personal trauma which leads you to primitivism + a kind of far-leftism which isn’t inherently against people finding value in highly technical work. So you might be worried that you could be overthrowing the current government, but will still be socially alienated from a demeaning factory work job, that is just slightly more democratic. And then from that point, find more common cause with anarcho-capitalists for just desiring to hoard what they can and kill anyone who comes onto their property, or fascists who want to hoard all the wealth for white people say.
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Prison Reform

The Unabomber wanted to be a hermit, who could read a lot of books undisturbed in a very small 1 room cabin and take short breaks to bathe in the beauty of the forest. Now he had a perfectionist mindset about desiring to find mental well-being in the forest, which was never being disturbed by other people. So it’s interesting to note that short of buying vast acres of wildlife habitat for him, guarding it so no one can get in and not letting planes fly overhead, we’ve pretty much helped him achieve the next best thing in a prison cell as far as he is a manifestation of his traumas.
The same is true for violent people who get to extort and be violent with other prison inmates without much consequence.
And I think that presents a really interesting problem for conservatives who like to think prison is retribution because sometimes prison can be what the traumatized person desires, so they don’t have to wrestle with as much choice. And that although that may only be true of a minority of people, it can be reflective of emotional states of mind within the majority of us.
So the only real solution for me is not to be satisfied with giving traumatized people to an extent emotionally what they want, but to heal the trauma and learned pattern of behavior that leads them to that point in their life.
[There’s a quote we could add later of him acknowledging he worries that he will acclimatize to jail life.]
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Further Reading

General Resources

• The Philosophy of the Unabomber (15 min philosophy breakdown video)
• The Unabomber: The Devastating Use of a Brilliant Mind (20 min biography)
• A brother lost, a brotherhood found (article)
• From the Unabomber to the Incels: Angry Young Men on Campus - Eileen Pollack Considers Their Rage and Our Responsibility (article)
• Running to Do Evil (podcast with recorded snippets of Kazcynski)
• Unabomber - In His Own Words (2 h 55 min documentary series with recorded snippets of Kazcynski)
• Manhunt (true-crime drama)
• Rational Wiki Profile (wiki article)
• Unabomber: the secret life of Ted Kaczynski (book biography)

Effect on the left-wing

• Children of Ted Two decades after his last deadly act of ecoterrorism, the Unabomber has become an unlikely prophet to a new generation of acolytes. By John H. Richardson (The New Yorker Magazine article)
• The Left-Overs: How Fascists Court the Post-Left (30 min read time - history article)
• AFed statement on kneecapping of nuclear executive by Informal Anarchist Federation by The Anarchist Federation (article)
• Anarcho-Nihilism Review The Ideology of Insurrection (15 min comedy/educational video)

Wild Reaction (ex-leftist, eco-fascist terror group inspired by the Unabomber)

• There’s Nothing Anarchist about Eco-Fascism: A Condemnation of ITS
• Not Our Comrades: ITS Attacks on Anarchists
• “Eco-extremism and the indiscriminate attack – The Church of ITS Mexico” by L (UK) (critique of wild reaction an eco-fascist group inspired by the Unabomber)
• Of Indiscriminate Attacks & Wild Reactions An Anti-civ Anarchist Engages with ITS and Atassa, Their Defenders and Their False Critics by Edelweiss Pirates - Text & PDF
• Against the World-Builders: Eco-extremists respond to critics (An ex-leftist defends eco-fascism)
• Comments on the communiques from Individualists Tending toward the Wild — by Último Reducto 20 pp.
• Apostles and Heretics by John Jacobi - Primitivist Journal

Effect on the right-wing

• Inside the Unabomber's odd and furious online revival plus pictures left out of the editors edition & response by the twitter eco-fascists called Who are the pines? - Wired article
• Eco-Fascist ‘Pine Tree Party’ Growing as a Violent Extremism Threat - Terrorist watchdog site
• The Dark Side of Environmentalism (Eco-fascism) (8 min video)

Ted Kaczynskis' Writing
Theory

• Industrial Society and Its Future - 120 pp. (manifesto)
• Hit where it hurts — 17 pp. (call to violence written from prison)
• Technological Slavery (book of essays)
• Afterthoughts to Technological Slavery - 14 pp.
• Why the Technological System Will Destroy Itself (essay)
• Anti-Tech Revolution: Why and How (an updated version of the manifesto)

Key Life Events

• How I Blew Up Harold Snilly
• Letter to a Turkish anarchist — 27 pp.
• An Interview with Ted Kaczynski — 16 pp.
• The Communiques of Freedom Club — 34 pp.
• Truth & Lies - Part 1 & Part 2 (Book written just after his sentencing, never published in print, just photocopied online)
• Ted Kaczynski’s Comments on Timothy McVeigh — 7 pp.

Fiction

• Ship of Fools — 8 pp.

Misc. Letters

• Ted Kaczynski’s Interview with the John Jay Sentinel — 10 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski Letter to an Anonymous German — 17 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski Letter to A.O. — 5 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski letter to M.K. — 9 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski on Individualists Tending Toward Savagery (ITS) — 4 pp.
• Ted Kaczynski’s Letter to the Saturday Evening Review (1970) — 3 pp.
• Answer to Some Comments Made in Green Anarchist — 9 pp.

Misc. Theory

• The Littering Ape — Apios Tuberosa (pseud. Ted Kaczynski) 3 pp.
• Marcos Loves Modernization — 4 pp.
• Morality and Revolution — 16 pp.
• Progress versus Liberty — 21 pp.
• The System’s Neatest Trick — 21 pp.
• When Non-Violence is Suicide — 5 pp.

Plancha, which means iron... the one used to iron clothes (so many "irons"!), in chilean also means "embarrassing": "It's embarrasing how late I am with my thank you's!"... or something like that. Oh, there was a tongue twister with "plancha", (but not the chilean one): Pancha plancha con cuatro planchas.... Why 4? It makes no sense, should be "pocas" instead.... but saying "few" for ironing with irons is quite a lot. Lol.
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I know many here have sent me more than the mentioned cards below, but I'm keeping it simple and going with the ones that come out first for this round. For the glitterbomb ones, that'll be my last update, thus marking my definitive return to the sub (and also definitive chaos on my room again, oh dear... I'm seeing the pandora box eeying me evily)
So, let me try pouring with my weak words my feeble attempts at muttering my gratitude to so many wonderful people.
​
u/feellikebeingajerk Oh, man.... it seems the overseas Easter chick test failed due to... unexpected world events, lol. But it did bring me such a smile when I opened it.... many many months later (5 maybe?). I adore Samson. Yeah, that's how I named my chick, since he looks kinda hairy. Have it in my desk, supervising my artsy mess. I used the orange pipe cleaners to tie the two pompoms and even the beak! I wanted to test myself how little glue I could use in this project, which I find really fun challenging myself.... specially now. Oh, come on, look at Samson, he's so adorbs. <3 Thank you so much.
u/bellanova2018 I really hope your trip to India was awesome. I'd love going there some day! Al the regional dishes stamps are so fascinating, (and pretty). Thank you so much for also introducing me to such cool food. Now I really, really wanna try Palak Paneer. What does it have? My sis told me it doesn't look apetizing at all, but knowing that it has spinach, now it is in my top 10 ones I wanna try if I ever travel there. Is food too spicy? Thank you so much for such an awesome mail. I also LOVE your handwriting. I wanna try your cool “A”s, haha.
u/KrebsLovesFiesh I opened your card during quarantine and it brightened up my day so much. It had a super cute postcard of a watch shop. It reminded me of this store I liked seing with my mom and sisters in Austria everytime we turned a corner. It had these colorful handmade clocks with such fun and cool shapes. There was one of a kitchenaid . Wow, who would've thought that was this year. Seems like it was sooo long ago. I really hope you've been doing fine.oh, I also really loved the envelope with the year of the rat stamps marks. That is so freakin cool. They're so adorable, it makes you wanna collect them.
u/LifeOfLari Thank you so much for the Lake Kawaguchi postcard. Mt Fuji is so pretty. It reminds me of the Villarrica Volcano. I love watching it throwing smoke with the lake at its feet. I loved your story of asking help to a grandma while lost. It is so cute! Like being a kid back again. I usually get lost everywhere, specially in foreign counties when I'm supposed to be in a group. Lol, I sound so hatable, haha. But when I'm stolling alone, I like to get lost in purpose. I usually end up finding pleasant surprises. Who knows, maybe you find the old couple again one day, I'll keep my fingers crossed ;)
u/TigerLady13 Oh Aunt Bertha. I swear this card got lost after so many drinks, it took ages to arrive!. Even the stamps were backwards, adding more awesomeness to these cards sent by my fave auntie. Shhhh, don't tell that to anyone. My love is the best cash, so sending you lots of it! I also love the fact that you greeted me first in spanish and that was too scholarly for vacations, so it was crossed out and replaced by a proper holiday like “aloha”, lol.
u/oneinamelon I had a big facepalm with this yahoo knock knock joke. Many don't work in Spanish, so we have other types here, so it always feel new and refreshing, lol. And yes, I prefer google too. Is Yahoo still alive? I wonder if people still use it. I think after google I'd rather use DuckDuckGo before yahoo or even Bing. Bleuuughhh, don't like Bing at all. It is so messy and I never get the results I want. Thumbs down. And for some reasone I keep uninstalling it and from time to time it gets re-installed with the updates. Lol, I went on a tangent? Thanks so much for the laugh. I wanna show it to my sisters :)
u/CeceMarie I can't describe how much I love this card. It almost feels prophetic, how our everyday interactions get more and more transfered to the online world. Wow, 15 years ago feels like yesterday, but so many differences were there!s The 2000's feels so close but are actually quite back. What made me tell the card was old was the fax number in the back of the card instead of an email. I wonder if people still uses fax machines. I always felt them wierd, noisy and obsolete... and expenisve. I guess Chile was really poor back in the 90's. I remember my parents waited for more than a year to get a phone number, and they lived in a flat behind my grandparents, so they extended a wire up to their apartment, but it was the same number. I remember in elementary school a friend had a color printer in her house and that was so freakin cool. We never had a fax. What people used to do was to go to someone's house to send them or special shops. And for very imporant or specific things. I remember when my cousin was born the 94 in europe, and my aunt send us a fax. Still faxes felt alien for me. Maybe because I never used them for work. In the 2000's I watched many things on cartoons that seemed normal in households but not here. Like putting people on hold and changing to another call, or group calls, or seeing the ID number. I wonder if it was ever possible or a paid aditional service. Wow, how times change. During quarantine we got rid of our house number. It was painful for my parents, but at the end most of them were spam calls and no one wanted to answer. Oh gosh, I'm writing a novel here, I should give you a proper slow reply.
u/ninajyang I love the pictures you've taken in your trips. This one is an amazing night skyline in Shangai that looks so pretty! I'd love to visit there one day. When I got your postcard I couldn't stop and think, wow, cities next to clear waters look so dreamy! It makes me wonder, what were the sounds there, how are the people like, what are the smells that can be sensed, the temperature. I love remembering the smells of trips, and when I get to sense them again, they transport me to the good memories I've had around the world. I tasted Glühwein for the first time when I met u/5-finger-death-punch. And that's one of the aromas that stuck for that memory, with the feeling of a cold nose sensing the heat of the hot spiced wine. Oh man, I had planned traveling to Aus next month for quite a while and then tour Asia. Who knows if that'll be possible. But who knows if the future holds unexpected good surprises instead? We'll see. Thank you so much for your postcard!
u/5-finger-death-punch My dear friend! I've remembered you so much! For a long time I've felt like writing you a long letter, but then I start overthinking stuff and that oh, this is a carding sub, and that could be overwhelming and yada yada yada. I hope you're doing well as well as your studies. And also that you've kept your same address, I sent you some stuff your way. Did I ever send you the picture of the unrememberable-name-for-me sweet we ate? We couldn't ice skate at the end with my sisters that weekend, but we got to enjoy nice live music at the Prater while flakes started to fall. My historian sister remembers you the most, and in a very fond way. We had so much fun that day. Getting the Albertina postcard with the … Feldhase... Der Haseichverstehenicht? Brought me so many good memories. I wish I could've visited more museums! My fam hates me, I take too much time inside. I love how you also put a bunny in the back. I think I've watched this postcard for 10 minutes straight. Lol, I could make a museum locked-down experience with some of the postcards that I've got, and have no one complain.haha. Thank you so much. Ohhhh, I just realized! This one is stamped in germany with a flockenblume. Wow, I think I'm starting to understand what felt so overwhelming before! Is it like.... sheeps flower? Lol.
u/underscoreophelia Thank you so much for such a pretty and filled with energy and positivity card. I loved it so much! I love your handwriting and notes, and fun letter, it brings me so many good memories and also a Geronimo Stilton vibe, and I LOVE it. I also love how you write Chile... I wanna try writing it too. This was such a nice card to get, filled with so much love and praise. I know I've been away for a while, and that I wasn't very filled with warmth and positivity the last months, but now I feel filled with new energy again, and determined to be the best version of myself... and probably still a bit cray cray. I guess I still love being different and doing wierd random stuff. I really hope you've been doing okay. And hydrated? Lol, in my fam we became addicted to water this quarantine. Our first day out to a restaurant we all asked plain water and I refilled it 3 times and also drank my sis'. I've drank so much water that fizzy drinks taste wierd now and feel like a chore (for example, being in the countryside and no one brought drinkable water ) Thank you so much, and rest assured, I'm dead set on archieving real longlasting happiness now. And I know that can be archived by searching what is really really true and real, getting rid of what's fake and selfish in me and by doing my best for others by walking the extra mile. I have a hunch that I'm capable of loving so much more. There is so much good I could do! The future looks so bright now, whatever happens.
u/yellowseptember (x3) Oh my dear yellowseptember, I felt so spoiled getting your surprise selection of poems, haiku and poo-etry. You wrote them? Wow, I wanna try writing pooetry too. It'll always be a mystery to me how on earth you print your cards. I sometimes forget how much fun it is to write them. The other day I helped my cousin write a rant in verse about quarantine. In Spanish, of course.... I haven't tried in English, except that impromtu haiku battle I once had in the comment section of this sub once. I seriously love your cards, they made me snort, and the postcards are pretty and fun! It is also my first woman in science postcard I recieve, and I love it! I wanted to be a scientist when little, but robotics and mechanics was only for boys back then and that was maddening. I also was the only girl in advanced physics.
u/PotterSarahRN Ohhhh it's a scented valentine's dinasour! That was so unexpected and cool! I can't believe it held its strawberry smell all the way up here and still has it. I love how these cards are so cute and colorful and happy. Since which age kids start celebrating valentine's? When does the “change” happens? The one from gifting friends to actually thinking on flirting and all that. I was familiar with these celebrations because of tv, but it felt so foreign to me, but kinda cool. Though probably I'd be the kid that got the “oh, let's don't leave her out” cards and thingies, because I was such a trouble maker, lol. At least since 4th grade (it it “since” or “from”?? ahhhh someone help me!!), because I had an awesome group of friends till 3rd grade... until puberty hit them and they got so... stange, and since I was in other school, I couldn't keep up with their new interests and dramas. I think puberty hasn't reached me yet in all these decades.lol. By the way, my lil cousin says the card smells nice. I have a dilemma, lol, I freakin love tatoos and I like sticking them into paper and decorating with them, like a hardcore level sticker. But there's also my cousin's daughter that is obsessed with them and she'll get so happy if I paste her a couple. It's funny to see that all these little kids are full of these sticky tatoos, like in summer, since they don't have to take them off for online classes. Makes me feel like I'm already in summer. Ahh, sticky tatoos bring me so many good memories. We got them out of chip bags, mostly, and Chuck n' Cheese prizes and birthday's parties. Because we always got few tickets, so we could only redeem the cheapest things, which were usually tatoos., lol
u/germymany I had to read the “wheelie like you” twice to understand the pun, lol. The croc is so cute! Thank you so much for one of my firsts valentine's cards. It was so fascinating to think kids give each others these type of cards. That's so cute! I actually never celebrated Valentine's at school because that date falls into Summer Vacations, and just between february, when the “recambio de veraneantes” happens, that is, when almost everyone that was on their 2 week vacation, return to their homes and the others that took the other half of the month start theirs. It's chaos, and, since Chile is a loooong huge single panamerican highway pretty much, you can imagine the incredible traffic jams that occurs. So a huge group is stressed out travelling, not caring about it much, and in the many years I dated, I was always far away for that day... and kinda forgot about it? I also almost never had phone signal. How do you used to celebrate it?
u/fashbrownz I got your pretty aquarell card done in February.... very late in the year. Thank you so much. I hope things are doing better there. I still can't send to your country, which is pretty frustrating. We're still in our first wave down here, we managed to flatten the curve and the hospitals never collapsed because the government made the private ones open their doors to help the public system during our critical period, since we're all in this together. We're slowly going back to our normal lives, area by area, and the parameters are very well defined and everyone knows there won't be total “freedom” until a cure is found. But at teh end we're human beings and get tired of feeling uncomfortable, so we'll see. We already were having March panic buying because of the social protests, so it was implemented early on the limit quantity and in some places is still held, because some are still hard to find or the production of them was badly affected. I think I never asked my friends with 7, 9, 10 and 12 siblings how they managed that. This time has taught me to practice patience, which I don't have too much. It's interesting how every country has taken different measures, I sometimes feel like lab rats in a huge global scale experiment. I hope that this make us more humble and we learn from our mistakes and also the others' and copy and improve the best meassures and ideas that have been implemented. I'm dying to send you a reply, can't wait for the post service to open up to more countries.
u/stephanieTay Thank you so much for the xmass postcard with the advent candles. This was my first cold xmass in the northern hemisphere, and was able to smell and see the colors the picture shows, which brings me cozy memories. There was also a washi tape depicting Japanese Christmas cakes. I find it interesting how they also have their own version and traditions of that holiday, like the strawberry cakes.'They look quite yummy! Thank you so much!
u/YESmynameisYES Thank you so much for the Weasley's Wizzard Weezes postcard. Oh boy, I love those twins. I loved whenever they appeared in the books. And I love the quote you put “Oh wow, we're identical!” I couldn't help but smile. I used to be a Potter head, haha. The annoying kind that when the first movie went out I would complain about all the differences. And then I decided I'd never watch a movie again. In my child eyes they felt too dark and... dusty? Though I remember how wowed I was with the first movie trailer. The castle on the outside was cooler than what I imagined (don't get to see castles here at all), but those staircase were a trillion times better and cooler in my imagination, and I actually loved them a lot, I felt so heartbroken in that scene. When I started reading the books, I had just changed to another elementary school, and I had a freckled redheaded classmate, son of a teacher there, that was a troublemaker and had a huge family too, so it was not hard at all to imagine the caotic environment and fun interactions and hardships. The 6th book was so fun with all the Umbridge-related bullying done by the twins. I sometimes had trouble following them, because I read that book in English, and there are soooo many hard and unknown words but at some point I was so mesmerized by the book I kind of pretended I understood it and imagine whatever, lol. I read them all again last year and I was amazed at how different it felt. I could understad so much more after all these years!
u/PoisonousKey Thank you so much for the cute Winnie Pooh postcard. I feel your handlettering is getting better everytime, and it's so pretty! Have you practiced more? I'd love to see how it's evolved by the end of the year! I haven't practiced at all.... I got into a lettering class right before getting locked down and then I got somewhat discouraged after killing 2 brushpens. Well, after all these months locked, I killed many pens, specially my favorite drawing pens. From overuse and daily accidents. It's funny, when my family starts overdoing something, I get discouraged too. They got addicted to buying online, and I culdn't buy anything untill they calmed down. Or after they got obsessed with photography, I could never again take a camera in our family trips, despite how much I like taking pictures. What's the point of having 7 persons taking pictures to everything?? How it can be an archievent to come back with 3000 pictures that are a pain to sort out? Now I wanna try improving my caligraphy again! I just love how you do the “I”'s, I wanna try it now. Funny that in Spanish it's uncommon to capitalize so many “I”s, since it's not an overly used pronoun, haha. Thank you so much.
u/el_azul I LOVE the postcard from the stamp museum you sent me, and love the architecture of the buildings shown, mainly because it's so different from what I've seen in my life (I'd love to travel there some day). I wanna send you a postcard of one of our stamps' illustrators in Chile... as soon as I can send again your way. Unless we do a postcard chain with someone else that is able to send your way... that would be so cool. What you liked the most of that visit? I'd love to visit one some day... sadly stamp culture is dying in Chile.... the gov' puts their friends in charge of these departments, so they're zero interested in snailmail or philately and they're expecting it to die... as the stamp artist told me. She's the youngest by faaaaaar of the colectors that go to the official meetings and releases. Thank you so, so much for going the extra mile and sending me one, I wrote this while listening to Tam Zamani, such a nice peaceful song.... what is it about?
u/theycallmemia I ADORE your space postcard with the saturn pin, I found it such a cool format. I love its colors and everything, thank you so, so much for spoiling me. Do you like pins too? I love them, but I'm still a messy collector, haha. I wanna make something to display them, but I'm a master at procrastinating... I get distracted too fast at practically everything, ouchieeees. It's funny that since this one was not just paper, it went through the packages system and had to cross customs. They put a barcode in the envelope whenever they scan them through the packages system. I might be saying some postal aberration, but my English is too limited, lol. Btw, the doodle you did of yourself is super cute, and made me smile even more.
u/ThriftyRiver “Awww” that was the first thing I said. When I opened your card with a cat in it from Pet Partner's. And “awww” also said my lil cousin who was standing at my back. “Did she made it?” he asked. Oh, haha, other person walked behing me just now and also awwed. I didn't know about the Pet Partner's volunteering program, I think that's so cool! If something alike existed here, it'd give me the drive to fully train my dog and participate. But I'm a lazy loaf that whenever I teach him something, my family think it's cool and over stimulate him and somehow manage to confuse him and then he gets some things mixed up.He's so cute. When we go on our walks he likes running after quails and rabbits, but gets scared of cows. I'd love seeing deers, they must be so cute! Here in the south we have a little type of deer called Pudú, but they're very very shy. Thank you so much for the pancake recipe, I wanna try it out some weekend. Do you like them thick and spongy or thin as crepes? In my house we make them thin, filled with spinach or chicken in a roll and eat them for dinner topped with Bechamel, lol. Chileans don't eat pancakes for breakfast; instead, they like bread with avocado, scrambled eggs, ham, butter or mermelade... or dulce de leche. And coffee. We have tried making pancakes as shown on tv (except that we add dulce de leche... yummy), but we make them small and can't eat more that 2... how could people eat one bigger that the plate?! That's insane! Were you able to? When we've traveled to the US, we've all shared plates with my sisters, and still can't eat them whole. They once sold us a tower of fries at Burger King (actually it was part of the meal thingie), filling a whole tray. It was insane! We barely were able to eat 1/4th of them between 7.
u/MangoMeliss Thank you so much for such the adorable red ridding hood with her doggie. I love it so much. Reminds me of the years I was studying animation. I just love this style. I also loved your adventures in Holland. I'd love to visit there some day! Oh gosh, I just realized, after holding your postcard many times (because I adore it) that those phat kitty stickers are actually these memo paper things! Oh wow, hahaha, I'm laughing so much right now. I'll definetly use a couple to decorate cute things. Thank you so much for the Hello Kitty Valentine's, it makes me think in the little kids at school giving out these. I think that's cute. But do kids only write the to and from? Or they add little messages too? I've never celebrated it, it's fascinating knowing about these things. Also, thank you so much for the adorable washi samps. I'm copying your folding technique for the last bit, they look pretty and it's so practical! Oh, and last but not least (whatever that means, shoot, I need to study more English) I'm in love with the envelope and the Stitch you drew.
u/lonelytwatwaffle My dear waffle, I don't know why your cards took so long to arrive, but I've loved each one of them. I actually felt very touched to get a Christmas card with Mary in it and wishes to have a blessed Christmas. I wasn't expecting it! And it was a lovely holiday, my first ever cold one, away and relaxed, with my family and newborn nephew and not worrying about gifts, meetings, or things that just distract us of what is really important. We also, unexpectedly, met a huge group of spaniards living there and we sang carols in many languages and they stayed till very late and they were so noisy! It was sooo fun. Funny that since my sister came back from her exchange in Spain, she made us listen to villancicos sevillanos all year round, so we knew quite a lot, haha. By the way, I love your jigsaw puzzle ornament, I'll hang it this year. And I also loved the star's mischievous face, it's so adorable. Thank you so much.
u/suzilla10 (x2) Thank you so much for the Fernsehturm postcard. Many years ago I only got to see it from below, I was visiting with a huge group and there was a big parade and the city was chaotic, so the leaders decided to just walk around... a lot! I regret not buying postcards there, they were all so amazing I couldn't decide! So many types and just oh wow. Back then I would send them to myself. So I just spent all my money in cool magnets and yummy food. And still was so hard to pick! Haha. When I opened your surprise adventskalender-karte, all the amazing memories I had in Österreigh came back and brought me such a warm lasting feeling. I don't wanna ever forget those holidays. (Or the laughs I had at the sub the previous days of me searching for stamps like a madwoman while Santiago was getting destroyed by the protests, trying to get before the Germans bought everything). Last month I met the artist who designs the stamps, and she made such a cute one last year, that I obviously never knew its existance. (Well, also my post office, after the germans episodes never got stamps ever again, and she doesn't care at all). I also got to know how caotic is the system and how people who snail mail or collect stamps are seen as pieces of a museum that will eventually die into oblivion if it wasn't for the international groups that put money so stamps get printed. Oh man, I love your card and details so much. The stickers remind me of our many trips to Thalia with my sisters (we don't have anything as awesome as that here) and I would just walk around and dream I was buying everything. I wanna go back to Europe some dayyyy! Thank you so much, I love everything, I get so happy opening your envelope from time to time. I will definetly set up the advent calendar this year. I adored that when I visited in December, all these advent little things and presents, they were so cute and adorable, I NEED to do something like that this year, it brings me memories of my childhood. I used to love Advent. Ohhhh... holidays are looking more and more american here each year, and I just loved the european one so much better... it felt more familiar and authentic. Dude, we're getting malls installing snow machines to make it snow... in summer. Because now that's what xmass is about? Poor overdressed workers. This summer is going to be particularly hot and dry.
u/bananacreampiee Yay! I got your graduation card! Thank you so much! Funny how I would be graduated by now, but the internships were postponed so I technically finished college but need to do that to graduate-graduate... well, I'm not too worried about that, whatever has to happen will happen, I'm glad the worst part is over and the messy thesis is done. Still I can't believe I finally finished my studies... it's been a long and really hard journey! Lol, in my first sememster I visited Italy and met a priest while I was with my hopes impressively down on actually finishing something, so we made an exchange: he was going to pray for me, and if -by miracle at this point in life- I finished, I'd visit him and participate in his volunteering program. And he delivered it seems. For the first time ever I didn't fail any semester, which used to be impossible with my MH. I can't wait to contact him again, but I only remember his first name... and nothing else. And I have a picture with the family that invited us both to dinner (I met him there). I'll have to do some detective work. I still don't know how we managed to have such a deep and long conversation afterwards, he was speaking in Italian and I was in Spanish, and those years I couldn't understand a thing nor let myslef be understood, unless someone spoke Spanish or English.
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Pics!
I have quite a lot of replies and exchanges that have remain unsent due to various reasons, so please, I'd be eternally greatful if you fill up my mailing list form. Specially if you've changed your address. C: