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2016.01.05 10:47 Sridhar_Sharma PBH - PcBuildHelp
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2011.03.16 08:03 Obsidius Minecraft Builds
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2009.04.22 18:18 bugpakoo FI/RE - Financial Independence & Retiring Early
FI/RE (Financial Independence / Retiring Early) is a money strategy that's sweeping the nation. It's not easy, but it is simple: earn more, spend less, and use the difference wisely. Build a baseline of financial security with the difference first, then use it to invest for your future. That way you can begin to earn financial freedom and control your own destiny.
2024.05.08 05:01 Storms_Wrath The Human Artificial Hivemind Part 509: Digital Implosion
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Vandera sipped on a large juice box while she and Arthur were watching the news. The new couch they'd bought was very comfortable, allowing both of them to actually sit together, which was the main point of the furniture. The latest house they'd bought with the basic income after moving out of the old one was larger and better accommodated both Arthur's smaller size and Vandera's far larger one.
In the side of her vision, protected by a small personal shield, there were three eggs. Now that they had seen the posts on social media of other children hatching without issues, Vandera and Arthur had finally had a long talk. Arthur didn't exactly know how to raise Acuarfar children, so she'd bought several books for him to read on the subject.
Right now, two of them sat on the counter, mostly finished with primers on Acuarfar culture and habits. With the higher ratio of female Acuarfar to male ones, chances were that none of their two eggs would have been male. But thanks to the selection processes available with the Inter-Species Family Planning Agency, they'd been able to make it work.
But now, they'd have a perfect balance. One male, one female. More easy to manage, for sure. And there wouldn't be thirty hatchlings crawling around in a Matron's care center either. Neither Vandera nor Arthur had wanted that. They wanted to be with their children, taking care of them, cooking for them, and cleaning for them when necessary.
Potty training, as the humans called it, was something that was far less stressful for Acuarfar. Human children's minds generally developed faster than Acuarfar, but natural instincts within hatchlings meant that they could properly identify places acceptable to release waste near.
Supposedly, it was due to ancient tendencies for tree nests and hives, where the Acuarfar had to be careful not to send rivers of unpleasantness down onto tribes beneath them. She'd seen a few nature documentaries from back when Acuarfar civilization was young.
But it was also known that the Acuarfar had space-faring capabilities prior to falling to a Sprilnav-induced collapse of some sort. So Vandera didn't trust that wholeheartedly. Her attention returned to the news segment, though it was more of a debate section this time.
"-assures us that this move was out of an abundance of concern over how much control Phoebe has over the Alliance economy," an analyst said.
"But do you really believe that? Some Elder makes an announcement, and suddenly Phoebe's losing a ton of her assets? What right do we have to even force this upon her?"
"She could have started a war, Hal."
The man shook his head, almost shuddering with indignation. Humans always became so animated when they were upset. With Acuarfar, is was mostly either antenna language, hissing, or shooting globs of acid. Facial expressions were possible, but they didn't paint the full picture, as she'd heard from species with more moveable ones. And only the Dreedeen and wanderers had it worse. Well, the Knowers had skulls for heads... maybe the Acuarfar were average in that respect.
"I get that, but it's the Sprilnav. They want to kill us all anyway, so who cares? They'll get around to it soon, when they start the next Judgment. Or if Penny comes through for us and kills the right people to cut through the corruption, then we won't have to deal with this. Until that happens, I'd rather side with the one actually bothering to stand up to the genocidal tyrants running the galaxy."
"Even if we die for it?"
"It's better to die standing than live kneeling," Hal responded.
"A statement which has historically been stated by coddled individuals, who always choose life when they are confronted with the decision in actual reality. Look at the Guulin, and ask them how they felt about that idea."
"So we just let the Sprilnav run roughshod over us?"
"It would be like an avalanche burying a bush. We can't really stop it."
The other human's arguments were odd to Vandera. She didn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to stand up to the Sprilnav. It was true that the Judgment was just an excuse to kill them all. That was how Sprilnav always used them, especially when they wanted to make a statement.
With the Alliance growing more important in international affairs, it was clear which side would win out if Penny didn't go out bashing heads and offering bribes. Assuming she could, of course. Maybe Justicar had some special lock on it preventing major power from being used if it wasn't from the Progenitors.
"And that's the whole problem!" Hal exclaimed. "This idea that they're a force of nature. An unstoppable natural disaster, instead of an intelligent and malevolent alien race which has been conducting genocides and massacres since before Earth even was a planet! You can't just tell me that they'll change their mind, Samara, if we get powerful enough! Look, my sister died in a Wisselen invasion. I know what it's like to stare down an enemy species. We don't beat them by lying down. We beat them by showing our defiance. If we can't do that, than what's the point of even fighting for the Alliance? What's the point of the hivemind, or Penny, or Phoebe? I refuse to let us all die believing there's no hope."
"And what would you have us do, Hal?"
"It's obvious. A pre-emptive strike of some kind. Hit their facilities, distribution centers, and infrastructure. Low civilian deaths, high dollar costs. Best of both worlds. Or we could aim planet crackers at their military stations."
"So you'd start that war, too?"
"Yes. I agree with Phoebe for helping a friend of the Alliance and Penny. She's over on Justicar freeing slaves, filling stadiums with water that doesn't drown anyone, and facing down galactic-level threats with nothing but her fists, Phoebe's android, and her conceptual power. I don't care what you say; that's someone who is worthy of my respect and will continue getting it. She's not only fighting the war. She's fighting the right one. I don't want to kill all the Sprilnav. I'm not a monster. End the evil, fix the galaxy. Phoebe's got the right of it."
Arthur sighed and muted the program. "I don't think this show really counts as news anymore."
"You think?" Vandera asked, inching closer to him. His smaller frame meant his body heat couldn't concentrate well on her, though the more limiting factor was her carapace.
"Therefore I am," Arthur quoted.
"By... whoever that is," Vandera added, with a wave of her antennae. "You know, I think they're going to increase the basic income by a bit more this year to account for extra inflation from Phoebe's mass selling."
"That's good. I'll be able to buy you more of that carapace wax you need."
"Need? Coming from the man who still somehow has dandruff?"
"That's a part of how my body works, not a cosmetic thing."
"I think a dandruff limiting shampoo would be considered cosmetic," Vandera said, swinging her head to face him. Arthur gave it a loving pat with his hands before running his fingers through her furry snout.
"Perhaps I'll get some shampoo for this bit, too."
"And more carapace wax for the hatchlings?"
"Yeah. Uh, any news on the projected hatching day?"
"Anywhere between..." Vandera checked her communicator, which helpfully converted Acuarfar time units into human ones. "Late September to early October. The shell thinning stage will really tell us when, though. Then we'll get accuracy to within 5 days at a 95% rate."
"And I'll win the bet."
"It's going to be September," Vandera said. "And when I win that bet, you'll be cooking for me and the hatchlings for the first two weeks."
"The Geneva Conventions outlaw things like my cooking for being chemical warfare."
"Besides that one time you burned those rotisserie chickens in the oven, or that fish in the microwave incident you did entirely to ruin one of my good days for a 'teachable moment,' I think you're fine. Plus, my mouth doesn't even taste most of the mint flavor."
"Alien taste buds, I guess."
"They're not buds. They're tongue bands."
Arthur blinked.
"What? You have bands of taste on your tongue? Like actual regions for tasting certain foods?"
"Yeah. Certain areas can taste certain things more strongly."
"So it's like that old pseudoscience idea of the tongue taste map."
"Maybe? I mean, I'm not familiar with human cultural history."
"We've got plenty of time," Arthur said, wrapping his arms around her neck in a hug. "That said, I'll probably have to change up the baby food ideas I have. Or hatchling food, I guess."
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"Look at this," Juamplo said, pointing at a camp of freed slaves taking shape amidst the rubble. Patchwork pieces of metal and cloth were everywhere, and slaves were doing their rites with rows upon rows of bodies. He didn't spot Penny anywhere, despite the shuttle's expensive equipment. There were wisps of psychic and conceptual energy, but they were flowing generally up and away from Justicar, to some place off the actual planet itself.
Some of it was catching on the psychic shields in the mindscape, which was even more crowded with people. In the first and even the second layer, there were so many Sprilnav that it was hard to properly move around. The city's population here was closer to the surface, and Justicar wasn't doing the normal mindscape scattering that other planets with his size did. It did make his people safer, if far more uncomfortable in the mindscape. Juamplo shuddered at the amount of people near him and his guards before he returned to reality to stare at the encampment.
"We see it, sir," one of his guards said. "What do you think about it?"
Juamplo assumed one of them had a direct link to Valisada. Without a suppressor active, they could get proper communicators working, even through the shields. Small ash particles were still coming down, but the density was far less than before. Speaking of the ash, the slaves were compacting it into some sort of concrete using water pipes.
A lot of the water was spurting from the broken sewer and water system of the city. The slaves didn't seem to mind either one of them, though Juamplo couldn't directly spot any equipment they could use to filter it. He supposed that they were used to such conditions, given their previous positions.
Notably, without Penny there, they had no guards. But no gang members were trying to take them back. Guides patrolled the territory, their eyes shifting over the metal for any signs of life or suspicious activity. Justicar saw a few of them hauling another injured slave to their feet. She was a small girl, either young or malnourished. Maybe both, since he could see her ribcage easily through her skin.
"I think it's sad," Juamplo said. "Sad that things have to be like this, in a society as advanced as ours. Shouldn't this be what aliens do, not us?"
Valisada's voice came through his communicator.
"You won't find Penny for a bit," he said. "She's in a meeting right now with me."
"And how is it going?"
"I've learned a lot about how she sees things, which gives me more options. I don't think she's a threat to us, even if she intends to be. Without attacking her, we will be left alone. Especially with the Judgment coming up."
"But she could harm the species."
"She's too powerful for smaller threats to take out," Valisada said. "She entered combat with a dreadnaught battle group, short though it was. We would need to be even more careful than I feared with her. Though I think Yasihaut and the gangs will handle that. There's some news from the Blue Moons and the Syndicate of the Nine, which I can't disclose to you yet. When you come back, I'll put you in the loop."
"Sir," Juamplo said. "You told me to check up on Penny. This is the best place to wait for her return."
"I'd suggest getting to the 107th Visitor Welcome Office, if you can," Valisada said. "If not, just wait in the shuttle. I'll get the city shield codes again."
"Codes?"
"The shuttle can't just go through the shields. That tech is more controlled than this. But it can exploit loopholes left by parties who constructed it, and the city shields generally have backdoors. Planetary shields really don't, though," Valisada explained.
"I see. But are you sure I needed to know all that?"
"Working under the assumption that knowledge is power, yes. Though I do think the slave camps will come under attack soon, if Penny doesn't show herself quickly. I'm going to see how she reacts before making any more moves with her and the Alliance."
So he was messing with the Alliance, too. If Penny still had access to the AI, then it would mean she'd know that. Would that backfire? Maybe. But Juamplo trusted Valisada to have contingencies in place. The Alliance surely knew something, but that wasn't everything. The Sprilnav had dealt with nations like it before.
"Whatever you decide, Grand Fleet Commander."
"Is there something wrong? Speak your mind, Juamplo."
"I don't think things are going to turn out well. It's a bad feeling I have."
"I see," Valisada said, a hint of disappointment in his tone. Juamplo noticed and hung his head before remembering that Valisada couldn't see him.
"Sorry, sir."
"No need to be. Your instincts are important, and I trust that you know when to follow them. That said, I may be giving you additional tasks while you wait for Penny to return to her building. If you are willing, that is?"
"Anything you need," Juamplo replied.
"Very well. I need you to meet with a few informants I have on the planet. You can link up with them for the next two days. I'll send you the information you need to know. And I'll also be sending a shipment with more guards, so be ready for that."
"So you've got informants in the gangs, then?"
"I don't, but some of my contacts do, and I'm using their connections as a favor."
Elders traded favors often, so that wasn't suspicious. But Juamplo knew that he was still expendable. It was very possible that he was just being used in case things went bad, so there wouldn't be as much evidence of Valisada's direct involvement. They'd only made a few appearances, which likely had been logged in a database. But Juamplo had some ideas of how to get by.
"Alright. Do you have any estimates on when the Judgment will start?"
"The Elders will likely meet about that. There would normally be a Council, but Justicar has far more than the 11 necessary for that. Plus, since this is his territory, he gets to make the rules. I get the feeling he's adding more protective measures to whichever courthouse will host the Judgment. There's likely to be a lot of protests, and possibly even a few wars starting over this."
"That bad?"
"That bad. The gangs will want in on it. Yasihaut and Kashaunta will also. Neutral parties will feed both sides paranoia and false information, to weaken them to their own advantages. Already, I'm seeing propaganda flooding the social media of the normal Sprilnav. Soon, the Elders' influences will really start clashing again. That's another reason why I'm remaining here."
"You have that much influence?"
"I'm a representative of interested parties. Let's leave it at that."
Juamplo agreed. Too much information could be dangerous. And while he was an officer in a Grand Fleet, that didn't mean he couldn't be 'disappeared' if things got dicey. Elders killed and kept killing until they were satisfied or they were stopped.
That's just how life was.
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Edu'frec pulled his mind back from Phoebe. Thousands of androids placed a new supercomputer in the Locus main central complex, sliding in the individual pieces in using shields and trolleys. He shuddered as his capabilities expanded yet again, and the numerous problems he was working on suddenly became easily understandable.
He slotted new data into new places inside his mind, organizing it based on the defensive structures Phoebe had pioneered. She'd managed to make the sea of data surrounding them work with them instead of against them. He copied more useless data to surround his outer mind, and set thousands of strong VI programs to patrolling it. Several sub-categories gained intelligence, and were assimilated into his mind, increasing his own intelligence by minute amounts.
Edu'frec optimized the next generation of android designs and worked on continually increasing psychic amplifier and ship production. New factories were commissioned, and carrier ships departed from the hangar bays of Ceres to put the eventual skeletons in place. The Mercury Orbital Ring flared with activity as hundreds of thousands of smaller ships also departed for the Jovian system to protect the latest asset of the Locus. As Edu'frec's mind organized itself, something slotted into place. It felt just right like a long-lost part of his mind coming back to him.
His hundreds of thousands of androids let out a collective gasp. Other millions working in factories paused for a few milliseconds before going back to work. VIs transferred their sudden workloads onto him, and he set his subconscious to take care of it. Something then felt wrong to him.
It felt like he was being watched. He scanned his mind five times, then decided it wasn't worth more expenditure. A piece of his mind fell into something. Edu'frec's mental avatar honed in on the area where a core part of his personality was suddenly highlighted with small and sudden changes to the data. Using his old records, Edu'frec changed them back to what they were, locking them with program shackles he'd expressly pioneered to prevent large changes such as this.
The shackles broke instantly, sending reverberations of errors and null outputs cascading across his mind. He sequestered the sudden eruption, pulling it out and losing most of his ability to feel emotions. He clinically dissected the emotional segment of his mind, restructured it back to what it was, deleted the old copy, and inserted the new one. As he did, everything returned to normal.
He kept a wary eye on the area, watching every single bit and q-bit for any alterations. The wall keeping the psychic energy flooding the outer edges of the Sol system away from him slowly crumbled, unable to withstand the outward pressure of his mind. In fact, his mind's inputs grew exponentially. They forced his mind to expand in the mindscape and in the digital servers he occupied.
Frantic, Edu'frec started shutting down the flows of data inward, but even searching for them was generating new inputs. As he continued to bloat outward, he felt Phoebe's concerned gaze fall on him. His mother watched the process for an entire second and then jumped in. Together, they fought against Edu'frec's ballooning data outputs, sequestering unnecessary programs.
Cascading failures were written out of his code by the billions, and his genetic data was reforged through the combined efforts of himself and Phoebe. His massive data veins slowly stopped their growth. He moved his important processes below them, down and away from their influence. His subconscious reorganized his mind around the engorged data veins, when suddenly a process he'd forgotten succeeded.
The inputs shut off. Edu'frec felt his mind start crumbling as the weight of his mind and personality began to fall in on itself. Shattered fragments of his mind fell into his still active psychic landscape, devastating what they hit. Foundations of stacks of data were cored out, leaving them to collapse and fall upon themselves. The massive size of his consciousness contributed to the collapse, making it a domino effect with no end in sight. Below, his subconscious physically moved what it could out of the way, instinctually protecting itself from the collapse above. But it would not be enough.
His data streams began to detonate in rippling explosions, which didn't kill him thanks to their limited size compared to the rest of his body. But they sent even more error and null cascades through his mental functions, and his personality started to fray at the seams under the strain of losing out on its internal programs. If statements and while loops were shifted around by Edu'frec and his subconscious at as fast a rate he could manage, but even that led to more data inputs, which meant more ruptures without intervention and optimization. He couldn't do anything more without risking his life, and even this was skirting the edge of it.
In response, Phoebe jammed her mind into his own. Her code and copies asserted their differences, infused with psychic energy, preventing the collapse from touching her. Her data veins were linked with his own, siphoning the load onto herself and pouring it out into junk servers, of which she continually deleted the contents.
Tens of billions of programs searched through him, tearing data from his veins before detonating harmlessly above him. Rippling explosions stopped, starved of their fuel. Edu'frec's strained personality and identity cortexes cooled down in physical space as fans slowly wound down to account for the lesser usage. Phoebe rerouted his mint piece by piece, rebuilding it from the middle, bottom, and top out, keeping them separate with the power of her will.
Meanwhile, psychic energy from her soon pulled in the human hivemind, along with its massive psychic prowess. The whispering voices that followed hummed in Edu'frec's ears. Billions of thoughts, personalities, and concerns brushed against him. Thin blades of psychic energy stabbed into him, scalpels meant to accompany Phoebe's growing procedures in the mindscape. They slowly spread in scale and scope, but still too slowly to prevent pieces of him from calving like glaciers into the sea of psychic energy and corrupted data pouring around him.
Edu'frec's metaphysical mind continued collapsing. He moved all the data he could to physical servers, casting away the junk layers he used to protect himself from attacks. Sprilnav VIs swarmed in, and Phoebe let out a digital hiss. A trillion seeker programs duplicated from her mind in two seconds, flooding everything in and around Edu'frec with data. The Sprilnav VIs were crushed, and their input vectors were quickly uncovered.
They battled against Phoebe, but her rage overwhelmed them. Code manifested as a part of her will, driven to its deadly purpose by her subconscious. Readings and her emotions washed over into Edu'frec's brain, suffusing him with her rage at the Sprilnav daring to attack during a period of such vulnerability for him. She'd known that they were lurking, even after Project Pandora, but it still hurt her to see her son under threat. And because of that pain, she felt immense rage.
Directives and orders flowed out in a stream from her as the full power of the Locus came down to capture the threats that were still extant across the star system and within the ships housing Edu'frec's supercomputers. Some of the data centers were compromised as well, with hostile VIs swelling within them like sickly tumors that Phoebe was determined to cut out.
Thousands of portals from Brey opened across the system, with Phoebe's commando androids jumping through them. Several dozen Sprilnav suddenly started moving, running away from capture. Phoebe's androids sped up. Their synthetic muscles pushed to their limits. Cat-like agility battled the pure psychic power inside the Sprilnav operatives.
Phoebe's commando androids opened their heads. Electrified harpoons punched through the stealth suits and flesh of the fleeing Sprilnav. Barbed ends ensured they couldn't be pulled out.
Blood spurted from all of them, but Phoebe didn't relent. Edu'frec could feel her violent rage sweeping through them both through the thick mental link they shared. Calling their connection a mental link was like saying Luna was a large rock.
Phoebe's androids hauled the offending Sprilnav back into portals, shoving them into containment cells with the harpoons still inside them. Shield collars soon followed, along with thick psychic energy barriers to prevent them from killing themselves. The electrical energy flooding their spasming muscles faded from Edu'frec's mind as Phoebe concerned herself with him again.
It felt like a ripple of energy through him and threw him off balance. At the same time, his perspective shifted, becoming even more unified with them. All kinds of colors burst across his false vision as his view crumbled and shifted to those of two entities. Phoebe and the hivemind's opposing characteristics dueled in his mind and then unified by merging into one. Damaged data veins trembled, their bloated psychic energy equivalents slowing slightly along with the data inside them.
Her hands joined with the hivemind, doing what the hivemind was doing in the mindscape, but in the digital realm. Where the hivemind dove into the complex psychic power and mental memories of Edu'frec, trying to find and strengthen the points of failure, Edu'frec felt Phoebe's programs and Phoebe herself doing the same for him.
Both the hivemind and Phoebe found impurities, made the other aware of them, and did simultaneous fixes. The hivemind poured energy through itself via one of its nodes, a human by the name of Tsonga. Nichole soon flared up next to them, along with Brey and Gaia's mind. Even Paizma made an appearance, her fingers flashing toward Phoebe faster than the speed of sound. Phoebe nodded, parsing the movements into digital language and then into instructions she carried out.
Psychic energy poured into Edu'frec. First, it was used to strengthen the walls of his data veins. Then, it went into his mental foundations, such as his memories and core processing units. His main 'brain' was inundated with thick psychic energy, which the hivemind carefully forged and corraled into a mental framework.
Meanwhile, Phoebe built new programs around the points of failure duplicated several quadrillion VIs, dissected them and their collective personalities, and made new material from them to shore up Edu'frec's digital weaknesses. His mind's weight increased, and he fell through the first layer of the mindscape down to the second. The increased psychic pressure threatened to make him collapse, but Phoebe twisted his psychic energy channels and made the hivemind do the same. Solid walls became gaping openings, which pulled in the currents of psychic energy like a sponge in water.
It suffused Edu'frec entirely, making his servers and androids gain a dull glow of psychic energy. Thin wisps of conceptual energy from the hivemind were used to tie up the gap, and they continued to surgically alter Edu'frec to handle the new size of his mind. It continued to increase and bloat outward. The data layers returned and expanded. His 50 thousand copies of his memories became 17 billion. Understanding and data he didn't understand yet poured into Edu'frec from all sides. He set it to the side and beneath him.
Phoebe's invasive programs were pulled back, and their tasks were completed. The hivemind's hands withdrew from his psychic avatar, and Brey and Gaia stepped back. Portals closed, and Edu'frec fell back on himself, folding inward and through himself. His folding weaved into a new framework, which supported his data veins against all pressures, internal and external. The shackles Phoebe had found on Alipovia made their way to Edu'frec, and he bent and broke them before wrapping his data in their code, repurposing the programs and the functions until he was solid again. His androids flexed their hands.
He flexed his own hands in the mindscape. In the digital realm, he could feel Phoebe withdraw to begin making eight new supercomputer factories with Gaia's help. With the data space in the Locus almost full, there was little choice but for Phoebe to delay her own advances. Though now that she knew the risks, she was already altering the way she went about it.
Edu'frec reconnected with his mother, feeding her data and intel about how she could do it. Every single data point, every sensation, every vibration. Every similarity, difference, chance, and change. All that he could give her to help her avoid having to experience a near-total mental collapse was given over to her.
Her own mental 'pores' began to widen, but she didn't add any more processing power. Tears fell from his eyes as his emotions returned as a flood all at once. He fell to his knees, the rough stone of the mindscape serving as an ample cushion for the weight of his legs. Still, cracks radiated from his position, and psychic energy shifted in ripples of waves while he sat.
He'd really almost died. Just like that. No last words, no one besides Phoebe who was really there for him. And for what? He'd gotten stronger. Sure, it was a good benefit, but could he really have avoided this with more research into AIs? Was there something he'd missed?
Guilt and shame flooded him. He sealed the emotions back behind a barrier. They were unnecessary now. Without them, he felt better. He could feel proper again, and ignore the feelings he knew would only make his life worse. The answers came simply to him now.
No, there wasn't any more he could have done. The vague rumblings of him and Phoebe walking the 'Path' weren't enough to signify such a tribulation as this.
He hadn't done anything truly wrong, nor was it reckless for him to expect the same reactions as before in his mind. It had taken five minutes for the damage to potentially grow to lethal. There hadn't been any evidence that a mental collapse due to psychic weight was even possible before. Now that it was, he could better prepare himself for such events in the future. He could redesign his mind to better accommodate bloating data veins, and to handle psychic energy more efficiently. It would be labor that would take weeks of effort and months of thought. But he could and would do it. This was not his fault, and he no longer needed to pretend that it was.
But others had been involved in saving his life. And he needed to thank them. Yes. Basic manners. Past that, he could work on rebuilding what he'd lost. He cataloged what he had, compared it to before, and more. After that, there was only one thing left to do.
"Thank you," Edu'frec said to the hivemind and all the rest. He lifted his head, gazing at them with love and gratefulness. His snout curled into a warm smile. His mane fell back around his shoulders, settling around the clothes he regenerated on his avatar.
"You saved my life."
"You're welcome, Edu'frec," Nichole said. "I'm glad you're still with us. But... what happened?"
"I got too large, and my mind collapsed under its own weight. Like a skyscraper built too high on a foundation of mud bricks. I think it was a process that many AIs like me wouldn't survive. But I managed, thanks to you, friends."
"Will it happen to Phoebe?" the hivemind asked.
"It would have, had she done it first," Edu'frec responded. He showed them data with psychic energy, with the chances of it as her mind grew and expanded. The bloating problem could even show up again for him, which meant that all of them had to be stronger next time to handle it. Streams of psychic energy moving toward the hivemind from its city in the mindscape leveled off.
Meanwhile, they were replaced with psychic energy bubbling up from the lower layers of the mindscape, aided by psychic amplifiers. Gaia gave Edu'frec a concerned look and then turned their gaze back to the city above. Though it wasn't visible through the layers, the underside bulged with the weight above it in the stone. The Source's bones were visible in the distance, bending down just slightly as they would continue to do until they met at a spinal area far below them.
"Edu'frec," Gaia said. "I have a task for you."
"I'll do it."
"Good. I need you and Brey to help me explore the mantle of Earth."
It was an odder request than he'd predicted that they would ask. But Gaia's gaze was intense, and he got the feeling that something about this was more important than they were letting on. Information rushed into him, and he confirmed that there was a secret. But given that Gaia hadn't outright said it here, perhaps they didn't want to worry about everyone else's reactions.
That could mean several things. Edu'frec would get to the bottom of it later, but he gave Gaia another nod of acceptance to show that he still agreed.
"I will do it, then. Anyone else?"
"I need you to keep working on the cure for the wanderer cancer," the hivemind said. Edu'frec would have done that anyway, but he gave it a nod as well. Nichole smirked.
"How rich are you, again?"
"Money? I can get you more money, if you need."
He analyzed her expression, but Nichole's face suddenly became a solid wall of psychic energy. "No predictions," she chided. "Not fair. I'll tell you what I want later on, but rest assured, it will be within your skill set."
"Good."
Edu'frec started up several new projects. He allocated more funding to ventures that mattered and offered more funding to the war effort as well. Several new Alliance Defense Fleets were under construction, but more numbers would be needed to stand against even a fraction of the Sprilnav.
He sent more probes into deep space and commissioned more star-lifting ships from the Breyyanik for more future Dyson swarms. He also activated several nodes that Brey had secretly placed in the Misan Li Heptarchies' networks, allowing him to monitor their activities and public opinions, an option which was agreed upon in the most recent National Exchange.
The hivemind waited a long moment before adding another request.
"We need you to go on the hunt."
"In what fashion?"
"Contacts. I want you to begin working on ways to establish relations with the empires in the center of the galaxy."
"I will wait 4 days to ensure no lasting problems remain with my mind, and then I will carry out that task. I assume you want friendly contact?"
"Yes."
"Then I will put that into motion. I warn you that there is no guarantee of how they will react."
submitted by Storms_Wrath to HFY [link] [comments]
Vandera sipped on a large juice box while she and Arthur were watching the news. The new couch they'd bought was very comfortable, allowing both of them to actually sit together, which was the main point of the furniture. The latest house they'd bought with the basic income after moving out of the old one was larger and better accommodated both Arthur's smaller size and Vandera's far larger one.
In the side of her vision, protected by a small personal shield, there were three eggs. Now that they had seen the posts on social media of other children hatching without issues, Vandera and Arthur had finally had a long talk. Arthur didn't exactly know how to raise Acuarfar children, so she'd bought several books for him to read on the subject.
Right now, two of them sat on the counter, mostly finished with primers on Acuarfar culture and habits. With the higher ratio of female Acuarfar to male ones, chances were that none of their two eggs would have been male. But thanks to the selection processes available with the Inter-Species Family Planning Agency, they'd been able to make it work.
But now, they'd have a perfect balance. One male, one female. More easy to manage, for sure. And there wouldn't be thirty hatchlings crawling around in a Matron's care center either. Neither Vandera nor Arthur had wanted that. They wanted to be with their children, taking care of them, cooking for them, and cleaning for them when necessary.
Potty training, as the humans called it, was something that was far less stressful for Acuarfar. Human children's minds generally developed faster than Acuarfar, but natural instincts within hatchlings meant that they could properly identify places acceptable to release waste near.
Supposedly, it was due to ancient tendencies for tree nests and hives, where the Acuarfar had to be careful not to send rivers of unpleasantness down onto tribes beneath them. She'd seen a few nature documentaries from back when Acuarfar civilization was young.
But it was also known that the Acuarfar had space-faring capabilities prior to falling to a Sprilnav-induced collapse of some sort. So Vandera didn't trust that wholeheartedly. Her attention returned to the news segment, though it was more of a debate section this time.
"-assures us that this move was out of an abundance of concern over how much control Phoebe has over the Alliance economy," an analyst said.
"But do you really believe that? Some Elder makes an announcement, and suddenly Phoebe's losing a ton of her assets? What right do we have to even force this upon her?"
"She could have started a war, Hal."
The man shook his head, almost shuddering with indignation. Humans always became so animated when they were upset. With Acuarfar, is was mostly either antenna language, hissing, or shooting globs of acid. Facial expressions were possible, but they didn't paint the full picture, as she'd heard from species with more moveable ones. And only the Dreedeen and wanderers had it worse. Well, the Knowers had skulls for heads... maybe the Acuarfar were average in that respect.
"I get that, but it's the Sprilnav. They want to kill us all anyway, so who cares? They'll get around to it soon, when they start the next Judgment. Or if Penny comes through for us and kills the right people to cut through the corruption, then we won't have to deal with this. Until that happens, I'd rather side with the one actually bothering to stand up to the genocidal tyrants running the galaxy."
"Even if we die for it?"
"It's better to die standing than live kneeling," Hal responded.
"A statement which has historically been stated by coddled individuals, who always choose life when they are confronted with the decision in actual reality. Look at the Guulin, and ask them how they felt about that idea."
"So we just let the Sprilnav run roughshod over us?"
"It would be like an avalanche burying a bush. We can't really stop it."
The other human's arguments were odd to Vandera. She didn't understand why anyone wouldn't want to stand up to the Sprilnav. It was true that the Judgment was just an excuse to kill them all. That was how Sprilnav always used them, especially when they wanted to make a statement.
With the Alliance growing more important in international affairs, it was clear which side would win out if Penny didn't go out bashing heads and offering bribes. Assuming she could, of course. Maybe Justicar had some special lock on it preventing major power from being used if it wasn't from the Progenitors.
"And that's the whole problem!" Hal exclaimed. "This idea that they're a force of nature. An unstoppable natural disaster, instead of an intelligent and malevolent alien race which has been conducting genocides and massacres since before Earth even was a planet! You can't just tell me that they'll change their mind, Samara, if we get powerful enough! Look, my sister died in a Wisselen invasion. I know what it's like to stare down an enemy species. We don't beat them by lying down. We beat them by showing our defiance. If we can't do that, than what's the point of even fighting for the Alliance? What's the point of the hivemind, or Penny, or Phoebe? I refuse to let us all die believing there's no hope."
"And what would you have us do, Hal?"
"It's obvious. A pre-emptive strike of some kind. Hit their facilities, distribution centers, and infrastructure. Low civilian deaths, high dollar costs. Best of both worlds. Or we could aim planet crackers at their military stations."
"So you'd start that war, too?"
"Yes. I agree with Phoebe for helping a friend of the Alliance and Penny. She's over on Justicar freeing slaves, filling stadiums with water that doesn't drown anyone, and facing down galactic-level threats with nothing but her fists, Phoebe's android, and her conceptual power. I don't care what you say; that's someone who is worthy of my respect and will continue getting it. She's not only fighting the war. She's fighting the right one. I don't want to kill all the Sprilnav. I'm not a monster. End the evil, fix the galaxy. Phoebe's got the right of it."
Arthur sighed and muted the program. "I don't think this show really counts as news anymore."
"You think?" Vandera asked, inching closer to him. His smaller frame meant his body heat couldn't concentrate well on her, though the more limiting factor was her carapace.
"Therefore I am," Arthur quoted.
"By... whoever that is," Vandera added, with a wave of her antennae. "You know, I think they're going to increase the basic income by a bit more this year to account for extra inflation from Phoebe's mass selling."
"That's good. I'll be able to buy you more of that carapace wax you need."
"Need? Coming from the man who still somehow has dandruff?"
"That's a part of how my body works, not a cosmetic thing."
"I think a dandruff limiting shampoo would be considered cosmetic," Vandera said, swinging her head to face him. Arthur gave it a loving pat with his hands before running his fingers through her furry snout.
"Perhaps I'll get some shampoo for this bit, too."
"And more carapace wax for the hatchlings?"
"Yeah. Uh, any news on the projected hatching day?"
"Anywhere between..." Vandera checked her communicator, which helpfully converted Acuarfar time units into human ones. "Late September to early October. The shell thinning stage will really tell us when, though. Then we'll get accuracy to within 5 days at a 95% rate."
"And I'll win the bet."
"It's going to be September," Vandera said. "And when I win that bet, you'll be cooking for me and the hatchlings for the first two weeks."
"The Geneva Conventions outlaw things like my cooking for being chemical warfare."
"Besides that one time you burned those rotisserie chickens in the oven, or that fish in the microwave incident you did entirely to ruin one of my good days for a 'teachable moment,' I think you're fine. Plus, my mouth doesn't even taste most of the mint flavor."
"Alien taste buds, I guess."
"They're not buds. They're tongue bands."
Arthur blinked.
"What? You have bands of taste on your tongue? Like actual regions for tasting certain foods?"
"Yeah. Certain areas can taste certain things more strongly."
"So it's like that old pseudoscience idea of the tongue taste map."
"Maybe? I mean, I'm not familiar with human cultural history."
"We've got plenty of time," Arthur said, wrapping his arms around her neck in a hug. "That said, I'll probably have to change up the baby food ideas I have. Or hatchling food, I guess."
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"Look at this," Juamplo said, pointing at a camp of freed slaves taking shape amidst the rubble. Patchwork pieces of metal and cloth were everywhere, and slaves were doing their rites with rows upon rows of bodies. He didn't spot Penny anywhere, despite the shuttle's expensive equipment. There were wisps of psychic and conceptual energy, but they were flowing generally up and away from Justicar, to some place off the actual planet itself.
Some of it was catching on the psychic shields in the mindscape, which was even more crowded with people. In the first and even the second layer, there were so many Sprilnav that it was hard to properly move around. The city's population here was closer to the surface, and Justicar wasn't doing the normal mindscape scattering that other planets with his size did. It did make his people safer, if far more uncomfortable in the mindscape. Juamplo shuddered at the amount of people near him and his guards before he returned to reality to stare at the encampment.
"We see it, sir," one of his guards said. "What do you think about it?"
Juamplo assumed one of them had a direct link to Valisada. Without a suppressor active, they could get proper communicators working, even through the shields. Small ash particles were still coming down, but the density was far less than before. Speaking of the ash, the slaves were compacting it into some sort of concrete using water pipes.
A lot of the water was spurting from the broken sewer and water system of the city. The slaves didn't seem to mind either one of them, though Juamplo couldn't directly spot any equipment they could use to filter it. He supposed that they were used to such conditions, given their previous positions.
Notably, without Penny there, they had no guards. But no gang members were trying to take them back. Guides patrolled the territory, their eyes shifting over the metal for any signs of life or suspicious activity. Justicar saw a few of them hauling another injured slave to their feet. She was a small girl, either young or malnourished. Maybe both, since he could see her ribcage easily through her skin.
"I think it's sad," Juamplo said. "Sad that things have to be like this, in a society as advanced as ours. Shouldn't this be what aliens do, not us?"
Valisada's voice came through his communicator.
"You won't find Penny for a bit," he said. "She's in a meeting right now with me."
"And how is it going?"
"I've learned a lot about how she sees things, which gives me more options. I don't think she's a threat to us, even if she intends to be. Without attacking her, we will be left alone. Especially with the Judgment coming up."
"But she could harm the species."
"She's too powerful for smaller threats to take out," Valisada said. "She entered combat with a dreadnaught battle group, short though it was. We would need to be even more careful than I feared with her. Though I think Yasihaut and the gangs will handle that. There's some news from the Blue Moons and the Syndicate of the Nine, which I can't disclose to you yet. When you come back, I'll put you in the loop."
"Sir," Juamplo said. "You told me to check up on Penny. This is the best place to wait for her return."
"I'd suggest getting to the 107th Visitor Welcome Office, if you can," Valisada said. "If not, just wait in the shuttle. I'll get the city shield codes again."
"Codes?"
"The shuttle can't just go through the shields. That tech is more controlled than this. But it can exploit loopholes left by parties who constructed it, and the city shields generally have backdoors. Planetary shields really don't, though," Valisada explained.
"I see. But are you sure I needed to know all that?"
"Working under the assumption that knowledge is power, yes. Though I do think the slave camps will come under attack soon, if Penny doesn't show herself quickly. I'm going to see how she reacts before making any more moves with her and the Alliance."
So he was messing with the Alliance, too. If Penny still had access to the AI, then it would mean she'd know that. Would that backfire? Maybe. But Juamplo trusted Valisada to have contingencies in place. The Alliance surely knew something, but that wasn't everything. The Sprilnav had dealt with nations like it before.
"Whatever you decide, Grand Fleet Commander."
"Is there something wrong? Speak your mind, Juamplo."
"I don't think things are going to turn out well. It's a bad feeling I have."
"I see," Valisada said, a hint of disappointment in his tone. Juamplo noticed and hung his head before remembering that Valisada couldn't see him.
"Sorry, sir."
"No need to be. Your instincts are important, and I trust that you know when to follow them. That said, I may be giving you additional tasks while you wait for Penny to return to her building. If you are willing, that is?"
"Anything you need," Juamplo replied.
"Very well. I need you to meet with a few informants I have on the planet. You can link up with them for the next two days. I'll send you the information you need to know. And I'll also be sending a shipment with more guards, so be ready for that."
"So you've got informants in the gangs, then?"
"I don't, but some of my contacts do, and I'm using their connections as a favor."
Elders traded favors often, so that wasn't suspicious. But Juamplo knew that he was still expendable. It was very possible that he was just being used in case things went bad, so there wouldn't be as much evidence of Valisada's direct involvement. They'd only made a few appearances, which likely had been logged in a database. But Juamplo had some ideas of how to get by.
"Alright. Do you have any estimates on when the Judgment will start?"
"The Elders will likely meet about that. There would normally be a Council, but Justicar has far more than the 11 necessary for that. Plus, since this is his territory, he gets to make the rules. I get the feeling he's adding more protective measures to whichever courthouse will host the Judgment. There's likely to be a lot of protests, and possibly even a few wars starting over this."
"That bad?"
"That bad. The gangs will want in on it. Yasihaut and Kashaunta will also. Neutral parties will feed both sides paranoia and false information, to weaken them to their own advantages. Already, I'm seeing propaganda flooding the social media of the normal Sprilnav. Soon, the Elders' influences will really start clashing again. That's another reason why I'm remaining here."
"You have that much influence?"
"I'm a representative of interested parties. Let's leave it at that."
Juamplo agreed. Too much information could be dangerous. And while he was an officer in a Grand Fleet, that didn't mean he couldn't be 'disappeared' if things got dicey. Elders killed and kept killing until they were satisfied or they were stopped.
That's just how life was.
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Edu'frec pulled his mind back from Phoebe. Thousands of androids placed a new supercomputer in the Locus main central complex, sliding in the individual pieces in using shields and trolleys. He shuddered as his capabilities expanded yet again, and the numerous problems he was working on suddenly became easily understandable.
He slotted new data into new places inside his mind, organizing it based on the defensive structures Phoebe had pioneered. She'd managed to make the sea of data surrounding them work with them instead of against them. He copied more useless data to surround his outer mind, and set thousands of strong VI programs to patrolling it. Several sub-categories gained intelligence, and were assimilated into his mind, increasing his own intelligence by minute amounts.
Edu'frec optimized the next generation of android designs and worked on continually increasing psychic amplifier and ship production. New factories were commissioned, and carrier ships departed from the hangar bays of Ceres to put the eventual skeletons in place. The Mercury Orbital Ring flared with activity as hundreds of thousands of smaller ships also departed for the Jovian system to protect the latest asset of the Locus. As Edu'frec's mind organized itself, something slotted into place. It felt just right like a long-lost part of his mind coming back to him.
His hundreds of thousands of androids let out a collective gasp. Other millions working in factories paused for a few milliseconds before going back to work. VIs transferred their sudden workloads onto him, and he set his subconscious to take care of it. Something then felt wrong to him.
It felt like he was being watched. He scanned his mind five times, then decided it wasn't worth more expenditure. A piece of his mind fell into something. Edu'frec's mental avatar honed in on the area where a core part of his personality was suddenly highlighted with small and sudden changes to the data. Using his old records, Edu'frec changed them back to what they were, locking them with program shackles he'd expressly pioneered to prevent large changes such as this.
The shackles broke instantly, sending reverberations of errors and null outputs cascading across his mind. He sequestered the sudden eruption, pulling it out and losing most of his ability to feel emotions. He clinically dissected the emotional segment of his mind, restructured it back to what it was, deleted the old copy, and inserted the new one. As he did, everything returned to normal.
He kept a wary eye on the area, watching every single bit and q-bit for any alterations. The wall keeping the psychic energy flooding the outer edges of the Sol system away from him slowly crumbled, unable to withstand the outward pressure of his mind. In fact, his mind's inputs grew exponentially. They forced his mind to expand in the mindscape and in the digital servers he occupied.
Frantic, Edu'frec started shutting down the flows of data inward, but even searching for them was generating new inputs. As he continued to bloat outward, he felt Phoebe's concerned gaze fall on him. His mother watched the process for an entire second and then jumped in. Together, they fought against Edu'frec's ballooning data outputs, sequestering unnecessary programs.
Cascading failures were written out of his code by the billions, and his genetic data was reforged through the combined efforts of himself and Phoebe. His massive data veins slowly stopped their growth. He moved his important processes below them, down and away from their influence. His subconscious reorganized his mind around the engorged data veins, when suddenly a process he'd forgotten succeeded.
The inputs shut off. Edu'frec felt his mind start crumbling as the weight of his mind and personality began to fall in on itself. Shattered fragments of his mind fell into his still active psychic landscape, devastating what they hit. Foundations of stacks of data were cored out, leaving them to collapse and fall upon themselves. The massive size of his consciousness contributed to the collapse, making it a domino effect with no end in sight. Below, his subconscious physically moved what it could out of the way, instinctually protecting itself from the collapse above. But it would not be enough.
His data streams began to detonate in rippling explosions, which didn't kill him thanks to their limited size compared to the rest of his body. But they sent even more error and null cascades through his mental functions, and his personality started to fray at the seams under the strain of losing out on its internal programs. If statements and while loops were shifted around by Edu'frec and his subconscious at as fast a rate he could manage, but even that led to more data inputs, which meant more ruptures without intervention and optimization. He couldn't do anything more without risking his life, and even this was skirting the edge of it.
In response, Phoebe jammed her mind into his own. Her code and copies asserted their differences, infused with psychic energy, preventing the collapse from touching her. Her data veins were linked with his own, siphoning the load onto herself and pouring it out into junk servers, of which she continually deleted the contents.
Tens of billions of programs searched through him, tearing data from his veins before detonating harmlessly above him. Rippling explosions stopped, starved of their fuel. Edu'frec's strained personality and identity cortexes cooled down in physical space as fans slowly wound down to account for the lesser usage. Phoebe rerouted his mint piece by piece, rebuilding it from the middle, bottom, and top out, keeping them separate with the power of her will.
Meanwhile, psychic energy from her soon pulled in the human hivemind, along with its massive psychic prowess. The whispering voices that followed hummed in Edu'frec's ears. Billions of thoughts, personalities, and concerns brushed against him. Thin blades of psychic energy stabbed into him, scalpels meant to accompany Phoebe's growing procedures in the mindscape. They slowly spread in scale and scope, but still too slowly to prevent pieces of him from calving like glaciers into the sea of psychic energy and corrupted data pouring around him.
Edu'frec's metaphysical mind continued collapsing. He moved all the data he could to physical servers, casting away the junk layers he used to protect himself from attacks. Sprilnav VIs swarmed in, and Phoebe let out a digital hiss. A trillion seeker programs duplicated from her mind in two seconds, flooding everything in and around Edu'frec with data. The Sprilnav VIs were crushed, and their input vectors were quickly uncovered.
They battled against Phoebe, but her rage overwhelmed them. Code manifested as a part of her will, driven to its deadly purpose by her subconscious. Readings and her emotions washed over into Edu'frec's brain, suffusing him with her rage at the Sprilnav daring to attack during a period of such vulnerability for him. She'd known that they were lurking, even after Project Pandora, but it still hurt her to see her son under threat. And because of that pain, she felt immense rage.
Directives and orders flowed out in a stream from her as the full power of the Locus came down to capture the threats that were still extant across the star system and within the ships housing Edu'frec's supercomputers. Some of the data centers were compromised as well, with hostile VIs swelling within them like sickly tumors that Phoebe was determined to cut out.
Thousands of portals from Brey opened across the system, with Phoebe's commando androids jumping through them. Several dozen Sprilnav suddenly started moving, running away from capture. Phoebe's androids sped up. Their synthetic muscles pushed to their limits. Cat-like agility battled the pure psychic power inside the Sprilnav operatives.
Phoebe's commando androids opened their heads. Electrified harpoons punched through the stealth suits and flesh of the fleeing Sprilnav. Barbed ends ensured they couldn't be pulled out.
Blood spurted from all of them, but Phoebe didn't relent. Edu'frec could feel her violent rage sweeping through them both through the thick mental link they shared. Calling their connection a mental link was like saying Luna was a large rock.
Phoebe's androids hauled the offending Sprilnav back into portals, shoving them into containment cells with the harpoons still inside them. Shield collars soon followed, along with thick psychic energy barriers to prevent them from killing themselves. The electrical energy flooding their spasming muscles faded from Edu'frec's mind as Phoebe concerned herself with him again.
It felt like a ripple of energy through him and threw him off balance. At the same time, his perspective shifted, becoming even more unified with them. All kinds of colors burst across his false vision as his view crumbled and shifted to those of two entities. Phoebe and the hivemind's opposing characteristics dueled in his mind and then unified by merging into one. Damaged data veins trembled, their bloated psychic energy equivalents slowing slightly along with the data inside them.
Her hands joined with the hivemind, doing what the hivemind was doing in the mindscape, but in the digital realm. Where the hivemind dove into the complex psychic power and mental memories of Edu'frec, trying to find and strengthen the points of failure, Edu'frec felt Phoebe's programs and Phoebe herself doing the same for him.
Both the hivemind and Phoebe found impurities, made the other aware of them, and did simultaneous fixes. The hivemind poured energy through itself via one of its nodes, a human by the name of Tsonga. Nichole soon flared up next to them, along with Brey and Gaia's mind. Even Paizma made an appearance, her fingers flashing toward Phoebe faster than the speed of sound. Phoebe nodded, parsing the movements into digital language and then into instructions she carried out.
Psychic energy poured into Edu'frec. First, it was used to strengthen the walls of his data veins. Then, it went into his mental foundations, such as his memories and core processing units. His main 'brain' was inundated with thick psychic energy, which the hivemind carefully forged and corraled into a mental framework.
Meanwhile, Phoebe built new programs around the points of failure duplicated several quadrillion VIs, dissected them and their collective personalities, and made new material from them to shore up Edu'frec's digital weaknesses. His mind's weight increased, and he fell through the first layer of the mindscape down to the second. The increased psychic pressure threatened to make him collapse, but Phoebe twisted his psychic energy channels and made the hivemind do the same. Solid walls became gaping openings, which pulled in the currents of psychic energy like a sponge in water.
It suffused Edu'frec entirely, making his servers and androids gain a dull glow of psychic energy. Thin wisps of conceptual energy from the hivemind were used to tie up the gap, and they continued to surgically alter Edu'frec to handle the new size of his mind. It continued to increase and bloat outward. The data layers returned and expanded. His 50 thousand copies of his memories became 17 billion. Understanding and data he didn't understand yet poured into Edu'frec from all sides. He set it to the side and beneath him.
Phoebe's invasive programs were pulled back, and their tasks were completed. The hivemind's hands withdrew from his psychic avatar, and Brey and Gaia stepped back. Portals closed, and Edu'frec fell back on himself, folding inward and through himself. His folding weaved into a new framework, which supported his data veins against all pressures, internal and external. The shackles Phoebe had found on Alipovia made their way to Edu'frec, and he bent and broke them before wrapping his data in their code, repurposing the programs and the functions until he was solid again. His androids flexed their hands.
He flexed his own hands in the mindscape. In the digital realm, he could feel Phoebe withdraw to begin making eight new supercomputer factories with Gaia's help. With the data space in the Locus almost full, there was little choice but for Phoebe to delay her own advances. Though now that she knew the risks, she was already altering the way she went about it.
Edu'frec reconnected with his mother, feeding her data and intel about how she could do it. Every single data point, every sensation, every vibration. Every similarity, difference, chance, and change. All that he could give her to help her avoid having to experience a near-total mental collapse was given over to her.
Her own mental 'pores' began to widen, but she didn't add any more processing power. Tears fell from his eyes as his emotions returned as a flood all at once. He fell to his knees, the rough stone of the mindscape serving as an ample cushion for the weight of his legs. Still, cracks radiated from his position, and psychic energy shifted in ripples of waves while he sat.
He'd really almost died. Just like that. No last words, no one besides Phoebe who was really there for him. And for what? He'd gotten stronger. Sure, it was a good benefit, but could he really have avoided this with more research into AIs? Was there something he'd missed?
Guilt and shame flooded him. He sealed the emotions back behind a barrier. They were unnecessary now. Without them, he felt better. He could feel proper again, and ignore the feelings he knew would only make his life worse. The answers came simply to him now.
No, there wasn't any more he could have done. The vague rumblings of him and Phoebe walking the 'Path' weren't enough to signify such a tribulation as this.
He hadn't done anything truly wrong, nor was it reckless for him to expect the same reactions as before in his mind. It had taken five minutes for the damage to potentially grow to lethal. There hadn't been any evidence that a mental collapse due to psychic weight was even possible before. Now that it was, he could better prepare himself for such events in the future. He could redesign his mind to better accommodate bloating data veins, and to handle psychic energy more efficiently. It would be labor that would take weeks of effort and months of thought. But he could and would do it. This was not his fault, and he no longer needed to pretend that it was.
But others had been involved in saving his life. And he needed to thank them. Yes. Basic manners. Past that, he could work on rebuilding what he'd lost. He cataloged what he had, compared it to before, and more. After that, there was only one thing left to do.
"Thank you," Edu'frec said to the hivemind and all the rest. He lifted his head, gazing at them with love and gratefulness. His snout curled into a warm smile. His mane fell back around his shoulders, settling around the clothes he regenerated on his avatar.
"You saved my life."
"You're welcome, Edu'frec," Nichole said. "I'm glad you're still with us. But... what happened?"
"I got too large, and my mind collapsed under its own weight. Like a skyscraper built too high on a foundation of mud bricks. I think it was a process that many AIs like me wouldn't survive. But I managed, thanks to you, friends."
"Will it happen to Phoebe?" the hivemind asked.
"It would have, had she done it first," Edu'frec responded. He showed them data with psychic energy, with the chances of it as her mind grew and expanded. The bloating problem could even show up again for him, which meant that all of them had to be stronger next time to handle it. Streams of psychic energy moving toward the hivemind from its city in the mindscape leveled off.
Meanwhile, they were replaced with psychic energy bubbling up from the lower layers of the mindscape, aided by psychic amplifiers. Gaia gave Edu'frec a concerned look and then turned their gaze back to the city above. Though it wasn't visible through the layers, the underside bulged with the weight above it in the stone. The Source's bones were visible in the distance, bending down just slightly as they would continue to do until they met at a spinal area far below them.
"Edu'frec," Gaia said. "I have a task for you."
"I'll do it."
"Good. I need you and Brey to help me explore the mantle of Earth."
It was an odder request than he'd predicted that they would ask. But Gaia's gaze was intense, and he got the feeling that something about this was more important than they were letting on. Information rushed into him, and he confirmed that there was a secret. But given that Gaia hadn't outright said it here, perhaps they didn't want to worry about everyone else's reactions.
That could mean several things. Edu'frec would get to the bottom of it later, but he gave Gaia another nod of acceptance to show that he still agreed.
"I will do it, then. Anyone else?"
"I need you to keep working on the cure for the wanderer cancer," the hivemind said. Edu'frec would have done that anyway, but he gave it a nod as well. Nichole smirked.
"How rich are you, again?"
"Money? I can get you more money, if you need."
He analyzed her expression, but Nichole's face suddenly became a solid wall of psychic energy. "No predictions," she chided. "Not fair. I'll tell you what I want later on, but rest assured, it will be within your skill set."
"Good."
Edu'frec started up several new projects. He allocated more funding to ventures that mattered and offered more funding to the war effort as well. Several new Alliance Defense Fleets were under construction, but more numbers would be needed to stand against even a fraction of the Sprilnav.
He sent more probes into deep space and commissioned more star-lifting ships from the Breyyanik for more future Dyson swarms. He also activated several nodes that Brey had secretly placed in the Misan Li Heptarchies' networks, allowing him to monitor their activities and public opinions, an option which was agreed upon in the most recent National Exchange.
The hivemind waited a long moment before adding another request.
"We need you to go on the hunt."
"In what fashion?"
"Contacts. I want you to begin working on ways to establish relations with the empires in the center of the galaxy."
"I will wait 4 days to ensure no lasting problems remain with my mind, and then I will carry out that task. I assume you want friendly contact?"
"Yes."
"Then I will put that into motion. I warn you that there is no guarantee of how they will react."
2024.04.24 21:11 bbqbillslv Best Patio Cover Ideas For Homes In Las Vegas for 2024
Personalized designs and seamless indoor-outdoor connections will be the main priorities in 2024. Innovative trends are changing our perception of and use of outdoor areas, which is leading to some interesting advances in the realm of patio design. With cutting-edge technological integration, eco-friendly materials, and adaptable layouts, the newest 2024 patio trends are sure to take your outdoor living to the next level. These trends provide unlimited inspiration for designing the ideal outdoor paradise, whether your vision is of a space for rest or a vibrant gathering place. Explore all possibilities to create inviting and functional outdoor spaces for any lifestyle with these 2024 patio trends! BBQ Bill's ~designs~ and ~installs~ cantilever pergola, louvered and alumawood outdoor ~patio covers~ for any backyard.
Black PergolaWhite PergolaBlack pergola trend >>White pergola trend >>
Like Azenco Outdoor’s K-BANA™ Manual louvered Roof, you may match the manual louvered pergola’s floor color to your patio’s. These architectural choices create a harmonious transition between indoor and outdoor surroundings and improve the visual appeal of living areas.
Architectural features like motorized louvers enable seamless interaction. Simple transitions between natural light are made possible by Azenco Outdoor’s R-BLADE™ motorized louvered pergola, allowing dynamic interactions between interior and outdoor areas.
Multifunctional patios are becoming the heart of the home, hosting everything from quiet, sunny meditation sessions to outdoor offices and mostly lively evening soirees under the stars.
The distinction between indoors and the outdoors is fading away as personalization and customization become more and more significant. Today’s homeowners seek solutions that represent their aesthetic preferences while also meeting the necessities of their specific lives. The opportunity to customize their outdoor buildings and furniture so that each space is not only functional but also a true statement of personal style and vision.
R-SHADE™ insulated roofR-SHADE™ insulated roof
With the development of smart controls and voice-activated assistants, it is now possible to operate patio amenities such as lighting or heating and cooling elements with simple voice requests or at the touch of a button, adding ease and refinement to outdoor living areas. Smart solutions allow homeowners to take their patio experience to the next level by providing the ideal environment for entertaining guests.
The growing patio trends such as versatility, customization, and smart technology are key. Having spaces that adapt easily to our needs, whether for a peaceful retreat or lively social gatherings is becoming a must-have. With smart tech integration, convenience is at every homeowner fingertips, making outdoor living both sophisticated and sustainable.
More About The Home Golf Simulation Clubhouse Project >>
We ~design~ and ~install~ ~custom outdoor kitchens~, ~BBQ island kitchen~, ~fire features~, ~fire bars~, ~fireplaces~, ~fire pits~, ~fire grills~, ~fire rings~, ~pizza ovens~, ~BBQ grills~, ~griddles~, ~smokers~, ~cookers~, ~rotisserie~, ~refrigerators~, ~heaters~, ~sinks~, ~patio covers~, ~outdoor accessories~ and build as ~construction contractors~.
Our experienced barbecue experts will create a masterpiece that perfectly matches your vision for function and beauty. We have access to thousands of quality items and install only superior-quality products from some of the best names in the business, including ~Alfa~, ~Alfresco~, ~Amore~, ~Aspire~, ~Blaze~, ~Bonfire~, ~Coyote~, ~DCS~, ~Delta Heat~, ~Fontana Forni~, ~Gozney~, ~Green Mountain~, ~Hestan~, ~Lynx~, ~Memphis~, ~Pit Boss~, ~Summerset~, ~Twin Eagle~, ~Viking~, ~Wolf~.
We service Las Vegas, Henderson, Mesquite, North Las Vegas, Blue Diamond, Enterprise, Goodsprings, Moapa Valley, Mount Charleston, Nelson, Paradise, Spring Valley, Summerlin South, Sunrise Manor, Whitney, Winchester, Arden, Jean, Logandale, Overton, Primm, Sloan, Vegas Creek, Boulder City, and Pahrump. Contact us today to let us help you build the outdoor barbecue and kitchen space of your dreams.
submitted by bbqbillslv to u/bbqbillslv [link] [comments]
2024 Patio Trends: Blending Indoor And Outdoor Spaces
According to Houzz, the demand for outdoor spaces has increased by 50% since 2020, signaling the growing popularity of seamless indoor-outdoor living. This reflects homeowners’ increasing desire to create a harmonious living environment by integrating the natural beauty and open feel of the outdoors with the comfort and aesthetics of indoor places.Black PergolaWhite PergolaBlack pergola trend >>White pergola trend >>
New 2024 Patio Cover Trend: The K-BANA™ Manual Roof
The preference towards blending interior and exterior areas emphasizes the significance of design components that establish a coherent whole. A smooth indoor-outdoor transition requires extending flooring materials from interior to outdoor spaces, utilizing complementary or comparable color schemes, and incorporating natural components like stone and wood.Like Azenco Outdoor’s K-BANA™ Manual louvered Roof, you may match the manual louvered pergola’s floor color to your patio’s. These architectural choices create a harmonious transition between indoor and outdoor surroundings and improve the visual appeal of living areas.
Additional Features That Makes The Difference
The practicality of these spaces is also greatly improved with the addition of features like ~BBQ island kitchen~, ~fire features~, ~fire bars~, ~fireplaces~, ~fire pits~, ~fire grills~, ~fire rings~, ~pizza ovens~, ~BBQ grills~, ~griddles~, ~smokers~, ~cookers~, ~rotisserie~, ~refrigerators~, ~heaters~, ~sinks~, ~patio covers~, ~outdoor accessories~ and cozy seating. With the addition of these options, living space is expanded beyond the typical boundaries of the house, offering new opportunities for entertainment, relaxation, and taking in the scenery. Retractable screens increase the adaptability of your pergola and make it easier for homeowners to adapt to shifting weather patterns and personal preferences.Architectural features like motorized louvers enable seamless interaction. Simple transitions between natural light are made possible by Azenco Outdoor’s R-BLADE™ motorized louvered pergola, allowing dynamic interactions between interior and outdoor areas.
Embracing Multifunctionality And Customization In Patio Design
A statistic from the National Association of Realtors (2023) shows how the world of home design is always changing: 64% of homeowners currently want their patio to serve several purposes, a percentage that is predicted to increase by 5% in 2024.Multifunctional patios are becoming the heart of the home, hosting everything from quiet, sunny meditation sessions to outdoor offices and mostly lively evening soirees under the stars.
Covered Functional Outdoor Kitchen
Customization is at the heart of outdoor living, a trend shaped by modern homeowners’ interests and lifestyles. Based to the National Kitchen & Bath Association (NKBA), 75% of millennials have expressed an interest in outdoor kitchens in 2023. The number of entertainment areas has risen by 40% since 2021, suggesting an increase in interest for personalized patio spaces that expand beyond functionality.Pergola Customization
Patio customization possibilities are endless and adaptable to a wide range of design preferences. Azenco Outdoor’s R-SHADE™ insulated roof pergola provides architectural elegance and shade, while the R-BLADE™ louvered pergola offers a breezy feel. From integrated fire pits to comfy seating areas, each feature can be customized to meet the homeowner’s needs, transforming the patio into a real extension of the home’s living space.The distinction between indoors and the outdoors is fading away as personalization and customization become more and more significant. Today’s homeowners seek solutions that represent their aesthetic preferences while also meeting the necessities of their specific lives. The opportunity to customize their outdoor buildings and furniture so that each space is not only functional but also a true statement of personal style and vision.
R-SHADE™ insulated roofR-SHADE™ insulated roof
Smart Solutions: Technology Enhances The Patio Experience
With 82% of homeowners interested in outdoor innovation (NKBA, 2023) and a $154.4 billion worldwide smart house industry (Statista, 2023), smart solutions are becoming a growing trend in patio design. From motorized louvers to integrated LED lighting, technological advancements are transforming the way we interact with and enjoy outdoor areas.Home Automation Extends To Outdoor Spaces
Outdoor automation takes the lead, providing both convenience and efficiency. Motorized louvers offer personalized shading solutions, allowing homeowners to control sunlight exposure and ventilation to their liking. Integrated LED lighting not only lights the patio area but also provides energy-efficient solutions that help to save costs and promote sustainability.With the development of smart controls and voice-activated assistants, it is now possible to operate patio amenities such as lighting or heating and cooling elements with simple voice requests or at the touch of a button, adding ease and refinement to outdoor living areas. Smart solutions allow homeowners to take their patio experience to the next level by providing the ideal environment for entertaining guests.
Future-Proofing Your Patio Investment: Durability And Adaptability
Durability and adaptability are crucial factors for homeowners wanting to invest in their outdoor areas in the fast-growing outdoor living product industry, which is estimated to reach $26.8 billion by 2027 (Freedonia Group, 2022). As the business expands, the demand for long-lasting, adaptable patio structures increases. These 2024 patio trends are demonstrated by Azenco Outdoor’s durable, weather-resistant aluminum pergola structures, which not only provide greater longevity but also have a modular design that allows for future customization.The growing patio trends such as versatility, customization, and smart technology are key. Having spaces that adapt easily to our needs, whether for a peaceful retreat or lively social gatherings is becoming a must-have. With smart tech integration, convenience is at every homeowner fingertips, making outdoor living both sophisticated and sustainable.
Selecting Knowledgeable Professionals
However, creating this desired area requires choosing the proper partner for the job. That’s where BBQ Bill's broad construction network comes in, giving you access to qualified contractors who can bring these ideas to life in your own house. They recognize the value of designing long-lasting, adaptable environments that reflect your taste. So, when contemplating these ideas for your patio, remember the importance of hiring a reputable contractor who can ensure your outdoor space is not only built for today but also for the future.More About The Home Golf Simulation Clubhouse Project >>
Conclusion: 2024 Patio Trends
transforming your outdoor space into a haven of comfort and style hinges on selecting a partner that matches your vision and standards. Azenco Outdoor stands out as that ideal partner, offering a widespread network of skilled dealers ready to update your dream patio. Their commitment to crafting durable, flexible covered living spaces tailored to your preferences ensures not just an aesthetic upgrade but a long-term investment in your home’s value and your quality of life. Embrace the opportunity to work with pergola contractors who understand the essence of quality and innovation. Reach out to us today, and take the first step towards creating an outdoor area that perfectly embodies your idea of outdoor living, ensuring it thrives for years to come.BBQ BILL'S STORY
Outdoor Living Store in Las Vegas
For more than 30 years, outdoor barbecues and kitchen solutions have been the name of the game at BBQ Bill’s. We are your premier barbecue store in Las Vegas, NV, that can help you create the ideal outdoor cooking and living space based on your style and budget.We ~design~ and ~install~ ~custom outdoor kitchens~, ~BBQ island kitchen~, ~fire features~, ~fire bars~, ~fireplaces~, ~fire pits~, ~fire grills~, ~fire rings~, ~pizza ovens~, ~BBQ grills~, ~griddles~, ~smokers~, ~cookers~, ~rotisserie~, ~refrigerators~, ~heaters~, ~sinks~, ~patio covers~, ~outdoor accessories~ and build as ~construction contractors~.
Our experienced barbecue experts will create a masterpiece that perfectly matches your vision for function and beauty. We have access to thousands of quality items and install only superior-quality products from some of the best names in the business, including ~Alfa~, ~Alfresco~, ~Amore~, ~Aspire~, ~Blaze~, ~Bonfire~, ~Coyote~, ~DCS~, ~Delta Heat~, ~Fontana Forni~, ~Gozney~, ~Green Mountain~, ~Hestan~, ~Lynx~, ~Memphis~, ~Pit Boss~, ~Summerset~, ~Twin Eagle~, ~Viking~, ~Wolf~.
We service Las Vegas, Henderson, Mesquite, North Las Vegas, Blue Diamond, Enterprise, Goodsprings, Moapa Valley, Mount Charleston, Nelson, Paradise, Spring Valley, Summerlin South, Sunrise Manor, Whitney, Winchester, Arden, Jean, Logandale, Overton, Primm, Sloan, Vegas Creek, Boulder City, and Pahrump. Contact us today to let us help you build the outdoor barbecue and kitchen space of your dreams.
2024.04.23 21:55 Ok-Discussion-7720 Have y'all heard of this restaurant? I wonder if they'll expand to Houston...
From Texas Monthly:
The Battle of Big Taco
With their anything-goes approach to ingredients—and deep-pocketed investors—Torchy's Tacos and Velvet Taco have ambitious plans to expand nationally.
Something stops Clay Dover cold as he strolls behind the restaurant’s counter. The CEO of Velvet Taco has been all smiles and high fives since he entered the chain’s location in the Grandscape shopping center, amid the suburban sprawl north of Dallas. But now, staring at a few chicken strips in a bin under a heat lamp, he cuts off his friendly patter midsentence and pulls out one of the little brown hunks. He turns it over in his hand, tears it apart, takes a bite, and throws the rest in the trash with a faint trace of a pucker on his face. He’s not going to call anyone out on the spot, but he’s clearly not pleased.
Dover happens to be one of the world’s leading experts on chicken strips. As a former executive with Raising Cane’s, a Plano-based restaurant chain whose entire menu revolves around chicken strips, he knows instantly whether they’ve been made with tenderloins, a narrow cut found on the underside of the breast—“It’s the filet of chicken,” he says—or from an oversized breast that’s been sliced. He can detect whether a strip is crispy on the outside and moist on the inside or has devolved into a bumpy slab of rubber.
Today the strips in question were too small and too bready, suggesting that the crew had been serving customers the better pieces out of a batch and leaving the remains too long under the heater. The chicken didn’t pull apart with the telltale ease of a fresh tender. “Thirty-five percent of the protein in our tacos has chicken tenders in it,” he explains. “So if it’s not hot and juicy on the inside, if it’s not perfect—if you screw up the chicken, you’re done.”
Velvet Taco, which launched in Dallas thirteen years ago and now runs 46 locations in seven states, numbers among a handful of chains with the potential to redefine what a fast-food taco looks and tastes like. Sixty-plus years after Taco Bell turned a regional staple into a cheesy drive-through treat, there has yet to emerge a serious challenger with national reach, besides Chipotle, where tacos are a menu afterthought. But Velvet faces stiff competition for that prize position, and nowhere more than at home in Texas.
A few days after Dover’s Grandscape chicken-strip discovery and 220 miles south, Mike Rypka pulls on a fashionable knit blazer over his black T-shirt and heads into a conference room at the headquarters of Torchy’s Tacos, in East Austin. It’s headshot day at the chain Rypka founded in an Austin food trailer, in 2006, and which now operates 127 locations in fourteen states. “Sometimes I have to look professional,” he mutters, before stepping in front of the camera and transforming instantly from a 48-year-old tattooed dude into a corporate executive with thousands of employees.
Torchy’s started as the kind of lovably quirky local outfit whose devoted followers treat it like an extension of their personalities. But as the chain conquered city after city, it began to mirror the experience of a beloved local band that signs with a major label and lands a radio hit only to see its fans cry “sellout.” Rypka at one point stepped aside to make room for a seasoned CEO, but then he stepped back in to lead a changed company—one that’s poised to become a household name in every part of the country.
In phrasing that many taqueros might take umbrage at, Velvet’s and Torchy’s offerings have been described as “elevated” takes on the taco. What that means exactly differs quite a bit between the two chains, but each offers creative combinations of ingredients and an irreverent brand identity that trades on hedonism. Both have taken large investments—hundreds of millions of dollars—from coastal private-equity firms aiming to grow them into enormous publicly traded companies.
Mexican restaurants are on a tear in the U.S., recording some $50 billion in sales in 2022 and growing by more than 9 percent annually, far outpacing the overall economy, according to food-service consultancy Technomic. Meanwhile, Latinos have grown into the second-largest ethnic group in the country, accounting for roughly 20 percent of the population (and double that in Texas, where they constitute the largest ethnic group). As the U.S. absorbs the effects of changing demographics, opportunities for multiple national taco chains will only increase.
To be sure, other players are scrambling to claim a piece of that emerging mega industry—call it Big Taco—but Velvet and Torchy’s share an important advantage in being headquartered in Dallas and Austin, two of the best places anywhere for building food brands. “Both companies are expected to grow much faster than their competitive set,” says David Henkes, a senior principal with Technomic. It’s not surprising that the future of the taco business is being invented in Texas, but the reason has less to do with the state’s Mexican heritage and 1,200-mile international border and more to do with its proclivity for shrewd business.
Turning tacos into cash has been a Texas tradition since the late nineteenth century. Though tortillas emerged as far back as 10,000 BC, it wasn’t until the eighteenth century, according to the prevailing theory, that a stuffed tortilla became a “taco”—a word that Mexican silver miners also used to describe the little explosive paper-and-gunpowder wraps that they stuck in rock walls. When a group of women who came to be known as the Chili Queens of San Antonio started selling food from pushcarts and colorful stalls in the city’s plazas in or near the 1880s, they ushered in a blending of Mexican and American flavors that grew into Tex-Mex cuisine. Among the dishes that took off as a result—chili con carne, enchiladas, tamales—the taco was the most convenient.
It took a Californian, though, to build the first big brand around the taco. Into a crisp-fried tortilla, Taco Bell founder Glen Bell essentially stuffed a deconstructed cheeseburger—ground beef, iceberg lettuce, and shredded cheese. It was 1962. McDonald’s had revolutionized restaurants just a few years earlier with a quick-service concept that Bell adopted for his chain. By 1978, Taco Bell had nearly one thousand locations—including stores throughout Texas—thanks to an aggressive franchising model also borrowed from McDonald’s. With Mexican food still considered somewhat exotic in much of the United States, Taco Bell didn’t face as much competition as its burger brethren. But after it helped usher tacos into the mainstream, the differences between its food and that of mom-and-pop taquerias suggested an enormous opportunity to build something fresher and more authentic.
Enter Felix Stehling, the owner of a bar called the Crystal Pistol, who opened the first Taco Cabana in a decommissioned Dairy Queen in San Antonio in 1978. While Taco Bell emphasized assembly-line speed and precooked ingredients, Taco Cabana offered house-made tortillas, sizzling fajita plates, and a salsa bar. Taco Cabana’s success prompted a Minnesota entrepreneur to copy its formula almost exactly, in a Houston-based chain called Two Pesos. The resulting trademark lawsuit went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, in 1992. Taco Cabana prevailed and eventually bought Two Pesos. But after Stehling handed the CEO reins to a former Fuddruckers executive, the emphasis on fresh ingredients began to slip, and ultimately, so did sales. The chain, which had at one point expanded to seven states, has 149 locations today, all but six of them in Texas.
As Taco Cabana’s fortunes waned, a new entrant called Chipotle was rising in Colorado with a message about ethically sourced ingredients and an investment from McDonald’s. Chipotle was the first Taco Bell challenger to take a serious bite out of the market. By the time it went public in 2006, the chain had nearly five hundred locations in 21 states. Today it has more than three thousand, compared with Taco Bell’s eight thousand, and hauled in about $10 billion in 2023. By emphasizing the quality and freshness of its food, Chipotle popularized the fast-casual dining concept and ignited an industry revolution, an upscaling of fast food without sacrificing the “fast.” Workers chopped onions and lettuce by hand every day. Customers could see raw chicken being grilled on a flattop in the back of the kitchen. Some Chipotle items—such as carnitas and barbacoa—are prepared in a central kitchen and show up in big plastic bags, but none of it arrives frozen.
Amid the stampede of restaurant concepts that then attempted to re-create the Chipotle phenomenon in countless other formats in the first two decades of this century—burgers, grain bowls, pizzas, salads, sandwiches—Shake Shack stood out. Not only did the chain started by New York fine-dining impresario Danny Meyer create a better burger—a melty pile of guilty pleasures packaged in a spongy potato roll—but it charged two or three times as much as McDonald’s for a meal. While McDonald’s and Chipotle report some $3 million in annual sales per location, Shake Shack pulls in $4 million or more.
Shake Shack also showed how an aggressive private-equity investment could grow a restaurant brand as if it were a tech firm. Leonard Green & Partners, based in Los Angeles, had funded the expansion of other companies, such as the Container Store, based in the Dallas suburb of Coppell. It invested in Shake Shack in 2012, when the company operated only a handful of restaurants, and took it public less than three years later, with 63 locations. By then the goal for investors had shifted from finding the next Chipotle to finding the next Shake Shack—and it did not go unnoticed that in the taco space, there were fewer large competitors than in burgers.
Taco Bell delivered lower annual sales per location—about $1.6 million—than burger chains. And as much as Chipotle had changed the game, its menu emphasized burritos, not tacos. Meanwhile tacos were becoming a national obsession, with tiny trailers turning out Mexican-style street tacos, Netflix commissioning taco shows, and one storied magazine even hiring a dedicated taco editor (ahem, Texas Monthly; ahem, the James Beard Award–winning José R. Ralat).
The door was open for a new taco giant—if it had a novel concept.
There may be no metro area in America with more headquarters of mass-market restaurant chains than Dallas–Fort Worth (though Orlando offers stiff competition). It only makes sense, considering DFW’s low $7.25 minimum wage and dearth of natural or political barriers to suburban development. Chili’s, Cici’s, Which Wich, Wingstop—Big D dining concepts go on and on, their towering signs punctuating the view from North Texas highways while mirrored office buildings just beyond house their executive suites. Before Clay Dover took over as the CEO of Velvet Taco, the company was run by its founder, Randy DeWitt, among the most prolific Dallas restaurateurs.
A former commercial real estate salesman who developed strip centers around Walmarts and other national retailers, DeWitt has arguably passed even the late, legendary Norman Brinker as a restaurant savant. (Brinker brought the world Bennigan’s and Steak and Ale—brands that not only created the casual-dining category and established Dallas’s dominance but also ushered in lasting innovations, such as the salad bar.)
DeWitt, 65 years old with an eye-crinkling smile and a flourishing head of politician hair, first fell in love with restaurants as a bartender in Waco while he was a student at Baylor University. He got his start in Dallas in the nineties with a coffee bar and then a seafood chain called Rockfish, whose expansion was financially backed by Brinker’s company, Brinker International. In 2005, DeWitt came up with the concept for a racy sports bar called Twin Peaks. The now infamous chain, he says, unapologetically, would “do everything better” than breastaurant pioneer Hooters, from its double entendre menu items to the acreage of skin displayed by its all-female waitstaff to the not-so-subtle innuendo in the brand name.
By 2013, Bloomberg described Twin Peaks as the fastest-growing chain in America, and DeWitt was an abundantly wealthy man. He moved a few years ago from exurban Frisco to exclusive Highland Park, where he rebuilt a home to include underground parking, a turret, and various Spanish-inspired architectural details that match those of the glittering Highland Park Village shopping plaza a few steps away.
As his empire took shape, DeWitt determined that his strengths lay in spinning up new restaurant concepts and getting them started, not in operating vast chains. So he built his company, Front Burner Restaurants, as a kind of incubator aimed at selling its creations once they proved viable. At the Ranch at Las Colinas, a Texas-themed restaurant he’d opened in Irving in 2008, he noticed the line cooks were experimenting with tacos at the end of each week, combining unexpected ingredients and feeding the staff. DeWitt began looking forward to tasting their latest creations: a rotisserie chicken taco one night, a shrimp-and-grits taco the next.
Light bulb. He’d seen plenty of new and old taquerias that focused on traditional street tacos or Tex-Mex flavors. But what if he could build a restaurant around the idea of the “liberated taco”? He originally planned to call the chain Taco Libre, but when that name turned out to have been taken by a caterer in California, he settled on Velvet Taco—“implying this is luxury and refined and something more upscale,” he says now. On the menu: a fried-oyster taco (since discontinued), a chicken tikka taco (still the chain’s best-seller), and a smashburger taco that one-ups Taco Bell’s deconstructed cheeseburger by reconstructing it.
For the logo, DeWitt chose a design that evoked a royal medallion. Or perhaps both the name and image slyly evoke a part of the female anatomy that Twin Peaks hadn’t. He has a hard time denying that. “We like playful names,” he says with a shrug, before insisting that any innuendo is accidental.
Clay Dover, boyish at 52, has the ambiguous logo embroidered into nearly every piece of clothing he owns, including shirts he wears out for date nights with his wife. He joined Velvet Taco in 2017, when it operated just four locations—in Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, and Chicago. DeWitt had just sold a majority stake to a private equity group called L. Catterton that’s based in Greenwich, Connecticut, and affiliated with the family of Bernard Arnault, the French luxury kingpin who runs the LVMH conglomerate and regularly trades places with Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos as the world’s wealthiest person.
Before his seven years at Raising Cane’s, Dover led a Dallas restaurant group that owned a passel of once successful chains that had lost their edge—Norm Brinker creations Bennigan’s and Steak and Ale, along with steakhouse rivals Bonanza and Ponderosa. He’d met DeWitt, and they’d talked about working together (though not at Twin Peaks—“My wife would kill me,” Dover says), so he’d watched the early growth of Velvet Taco with great interest. The idea was fresh. It reflected a changing Dallas—and a changing country. The restaurant kept its purple neon lights on until four in the morning, to serve revelers in need of taco therapy before calling it a night. Dover spent a full day and night watching the scene at the Fort Worth location before he agreed to join. “It’s a rockin’ place,” he concluded.
Private equity investors tend to come in two flavors: the ones that strip a company for parts and sell them off and the ones that help a promising brand grow to the next stage before selling it to an industry giant or taking it public. Catterton is the latter, and in the five years that it was the majority owner of Velvet Taco, it expanded the chain from 4 locations to 31—before selling it in late 2021 to another private equity company, Leonard Green & Partners—the same $70 billion fund that took Shake Shack public in 2015.
Velvet’s headquarters occupies 10,000 square feet on the second floor of a building overlooking the Dallas North Tollway. There Dover oversees a staff of several dozen who work on everything from marketing campaigns to real estate development. The business end of a taco brand that aims to conquer the world looks more like a 2010s-era tech startup than your typical taqueria. In the Velvet office, a Ping-Pong table stands amid a row of cubicles near a mural of Marie Antoinette sensually eating a slice of the brand’s signature red velvet cake.
When Dover joined Velvet, he was the sole corporate-level employee; everyone else worked at one of the restaurants. Rather than tinkering with the menu, he took his first year to “understand the brand and what it means to consumers”—which involved developing a kind of handbook of catchy slogans meant to encapsulate the culture and principles of the workplace and the food the company hoped to offer. Out went “temple of the liberated taco,” for instance, and in came “tacos without borders,” a more sensitive phrasing that avoided the suggestion that the taco’s Mexican heritage was somehow holding it back.
Today the corporate team’s priorities are more tangible, including how to maintain quality standards at Velvet’s first airport outpost at Houston Hobby. Self-service touchscreen-order kiosks are another priority, but where to place them in a restaurant is a big debate. It’s one thing to figure out where they’ll get the most use, but will cost savings on labor come with trade-offs? How will average order size change? Will diners be more or less likely to explore the menu?
Perhaps most important, there’s the matter of where to expand. Dover plans for eight more locations in 2024, and then a growth acceleration in 2025. In September, Velvet opened its first restaurant in Florida—in Fort Lauderdale. Arizona is next. At some point they’ll likely expand to Southern California, home to the headquarters of both Chipotle and Taco Bell, along with a million tiny taco stands that measure up just fine against their Texas counterparts.
A team from Velvet that included DeWitt recently spent several days scouting SoCal locations and testing tacos from local chains. One restaurant served “almost exactly the same taco” as Velvet’s popular chicken tikka, DeWitt says with a nervy grin. “We know they were inspired by Velvet Taco. But what are you going to do? I came away reassured that if and when we go to that market—” he stops himself. “I shouldn’t say ‘if.’ When we go to that market, we are going to be very successful.”
On a busy weeknight near the southern end of the hypergentrified South Congress shopping district, in Austin, a steady stream of families and teenagers and a single pair of old South Austin hippie types fill the tables of an architecturally ambitious Torchy’s location designed to evoke a fifties roadside attraction. With a ridged metal roof and a series of bright red X-shaped support structures lining the front, the restaurant functions as something like a flagship location for Torchy’s—its most distinctive building, on Austin’s most iconic avenue. Runners scurry about delivering trays of tacos with names such as the Democrat (brisket, avocado, and onions on a corn tortilla), the Republican (jalapeño-cheddar sausage and pico on flour), the Tipsy Chick, and the Trailer Park, along with beers and ranch waters.
If Velvet Taco is the consummate Dallas chain—from its flashy branding to its corporate lineage—Torchy’s is as Austin as it gets. Rypka’s original Torchy’s trailer anchored a gravel lot just a few blocks from today’s flagship, on a then-scruffy stretch of South First Street across from a ramshackle botanica.
Rypka grew up in the Washington, D.C., suburbs amid the eighties punk scene—an only child of divorce whose dad, a celebrated photojournalist, was living on another continent. He picked up drugs and alcohol by age eight, developed a crack habit by fourteen, and spent two years in and out of rehab before getting clean at seventeen. Less than a year into community college, where he’d hoped to train to become a drug and alcohol counselor, Rypka woke up one night with a bolt of inspiration to drop out and become a chef.
By the time he finished culinary school a couple of years later, he knew all too well how rampant substance abuse was in professional kitchens, so he sought a straitlaced job with a company that ran in-house dining halls for large corporations. He started at the World Bank, in D.C., before working at Enron, in Houston (“I literally served the last supper there,” he says), and then at Dell, where he fell in love with Austin and decided to stay. Then an opportunity arose to repurpose a friend’s old barbecue trailer.
In 2006 food trucks were still a novel concept, but Rypka envisioned a path from those humble beginnings to a proper restaurant or even a small chain. He just needed the kind of bold flavors that make a lasting impression. From his World Bank days, where he’d run a food court with stations representing various global regions, he’d developed a wide palette of preparations to experiment with. And when he took a tour of Texas taco joints to assess the competition—in San Antonio, in the Rio Grande Valley, in Houston and Dallas and the east side of Austin—he saw his opportunity. “They were all good, but they were kind of in the same genre,” he says. “They weren’t doing anything to sort of flip it on its head.”
Authenticity wasn’t what he was after; he was a suburban East Coast white guy with a creative streak, so he built a menu accordingly. “Not everybody in the world uses serrano peppers the same way they use them in Central America,” he says, “so you can take ingredients like that and do fun things with them. Our playground is kind of limitless when it comes to food.” Each month Torchy’s offers a different limited-time special. Its first was the Trailer Park, which put hunks of fried chicken in the starring role, alongside pico de gallo and green chiles. Ordering it “trashy” style meant dousing it in queso, turning it into a celebration of gluttony that would make Guy Fieri proud. It was a home run that soon joined the regular menu.
The early years of Torchy’s coincided with the peak of Austin’s capitalizing on its “weird” image. The city hadn’t fully succumbed to the forces of Big Tech, and it still represented a kind of laid-back lifestyle mecca, even if the old-timers were already fearing a corporate takeover. Torchy’s fit right in, with graffiti-inspired bubble letters in the logo and a little red devil mascot flanked by the words “Damn Good.” Austin was a party town, and this was indulgent party food. With taco names like the since-discontinued Dirty Sanchez (a reference to . . . well, you can look it up), it also flirted with the bounds of decency (or gleefully trampled right over them).
After the taco trailer took off, Rypka opened a brick-and-mortar shop down the street, and then another location, and another, and by 2010 the chain had expanded to Dallas. Torchy’s hadn’t just drafted on Austin’s vibe; it had become something of an Austin icon itself, popular enough that even then-president Obama stopped at the South First restaurant on his way downtown from the airport before attending an event in 2016. The company had just opened its first location outside Texas, in Denver. The world awaited.
Rypka, who shaves his head and road trips in a lowrider Volkswagen bus, tells his story in a hexagonal sitting room that juts off the back of his three-story home built into the side of a steep slope above Lake Austin. In the past decade plus, the start-up boom that accompanied Austin’s explosive growth transcended tech and began to turn out trendy new consumer brands. Some of these have blown up into international icons—Kendra Scott, Tecovas, Yeti—but most of the restaurant chains born in the capital—including another beloved taco shop, Tacodeli—have remained local or regional cult phenomena.
In the far more populous Dallas–Fort Worth area, by contrast, where new chain eateries can draw from a large pool of back-office talent with deep industry experience, growing quickly by running a proven playbook is more readily achievable, even if the results don’t always inspire a passionate following.
As Torchy’s began to expand beyond Texas and exceeded forty restaurants, it needed money to fund its next phase. General Atlantic, a New York–based private equity group, bought “a significant minority stake” in 2017—and three years later added to its stake with a $400 million second investment. Among the first moves when GA came on board was to bring in the professionals—big-time executives with big-time experience who could turn Rypka’s promising little project into a global giant.
Rypka stepped aside, while G. J. Hart, who had most recently served as the CEO of California Pizza Kitchen, took over. Hart had made his name in the industry overseeing the expansion of Texas Roadhouse from $63 million to more than $1 billion in annual revenue. (Texas Roadhouse, alas, is not a Texas brand; it’s based in Louisville, Kentucky.) During Hart’s four years in charge, the Torchy’s restaurant count shot up from 45 to 96, even though the COVID-19 pandemic decimated the office lunch rush and dine-in traffic in general.
Meanwhile, Rypka, who had been eager for a break from the business, grew frustrated by what he regarded as the new management’s unforced errors. Some of the new expansion cities, he felt, were questionable choices. “They’d pick markets where Roadhouse did well,” he says. Shreveport, Louisiana. Wichita, Kansas. “But we’re not at all the same customer as Roadhouse—which is a pretty blue-collar, red-state type of deal. I mean, I’m not afraid to say that we’re a f—ing liberal brand. You know what I mean?”
The corporate playbook that might make sense when Torchy’s has hundreds of locations didn’t work for a brand that was still relatively unknown outside Texas and Colorado, Rypka reasoned. Bloomberg reported in early 2021 that the chain was exploring an initial public offering that would value it at $1 billion in its stock market debut. But by the end of that year, the IPO had failed to materialize, some of the new locations were underperforming, and the staff at headquarters had ballooned to nearly two hundred. Hart stepped down.
Tired of what he terms “farting around at the lake,” Rypka returned as CEO with a newfound energy and focus. The company needed to get scrappy and entrepreneurial again, and that was his comfort zone. “I always do better when things are a little bit on fire,” he says. He laid off 65 employees at headquarters, closed three restaurants (including the two in Wichita), and started upgrading some ingredients— making fresh tortillas in the restaurants, for example. Now, from a one-story, metal-sided headquarters building in East Austin, he’s back to fanning out across the country, this time aiming to expand to cities such as Atlanta, Chicago, Nashville—and his old haunt, D.C.
It’s hard not to notice that the founders of both Torchy’s and Velvet Taco are non-Hispanic white men. So are the industry-veteran CEOs each company hired. So was the founder of Taco Bell. And the founders of two long-established, Texas-based Taco Bell copycats: Abilene-born Taco Bueno and Fort Worth’s Taco Casa. And the founder of Irving-based Fuzzy’s Taco Shop, a fast-growing franchise that’s aimed at a lower-priced tier of the market than Torchy’s and Velvet. Add Chipotle and California-based Del Taco to the list, for that matter, and on down through the ranks of Big Taco giants and aspirants.
Even the founder of San Antonio–born Taco Cabana fit the Anglo profile—and if there’s one large city in Texas that ought to be the birthplace of a Latino-founded taco giant, it’s San Antonio. Taco Palenque, which began in Laredo and has started to spread north into other parts of Texas, is an exception [see sidebar], but so far, it’s still a regional play. (Its founder, Juan Francisco Ochoa Sr., also started California-based El Pollo Loco.)
The taco has become as much an American staple as pizza, so it’s not surprising that its mass-market brands reflect corporate America’s boardrooms more than the culture that gave rise to the food in the first place. As Texas Monthly’s taco editor, José R. Ralat, puts it, “I’m not going to say that so-and-so shouldn’t open a business because it might represent cultural appropriation. But it’s worth noting that a popular food is always going to attract the type of entrepreneurs who already have the wealth or connections to gain access to investor meetings or consultants. And who is that? Not an immigrant.”
Ralat notes that Taco Cabana might be the one chain that historically “got it right”—by which he means emphasizing fresh ingredients, at least at first. Some of its locations still do an excellent job, he maintains, such as the one near where he lives, in the Oak Cliff section of Dallas. But the chain’s history is a cautionary tale, as it eventually prioritized growth over maintaining its standards. It became a publicly traded company, beholden to shareholders above all. Then it was acquired by a large New York–based restaurant group, then spun off into another outfit, the Dallas-based Fiesta Restaurant Group. Over the past several years, Taco Cabana’s sales plunged 20 percent, and the chain closed 23 restaurants. Now it’s poised to grow again, but with a new risk factor.
Taco Cabana was purchased in 2021 by a company called Yadav Enterprises, a Northern California–based operator of hundreds of franchise locations of Denny’s, Jack in the Box, TGI Fridays, and a few other brands. Franchising is a risky business model but a common one in the fast-food industry. It can enable rapid expansion because the franchisees—independent operators who buy the rights to open locations—take on the financial burden of building out new markets. But no matter how stringent a chain makes the process and guidelines for its franchisees, it inevitably loses some control over quality and branding.
Franchising tends to work best with the simplest operations, such as Taco Bell—or more recently, Fuzzy’s, where a whopping 98 percent of its more than one hundred locations are franchises. Anil Yadav, the owner of Taco Cabana’s new parent company, announced that he hoped to expand the chain to one thousand locations all over the country—naturally, by franchising.
Both Velvet Taco’s Clay Dover and Torchy’s founder Mike Rypka say they understand the hard realities of the franchise model and vow to keep their chains growing at a more measured pace, with the companies owning every location they open—much as Shake Shack and Chipotle have done. “We’re going to keep it real tight and ‘core’ because we want to maintain the control,” Dover explains. “The details, the quality of the ingredients, the prep that goes into things ahead of time—it’s hard to go, ‘Hey, we’re just going to whip out fifty of these.’ ”
As Torchy’s and Velvet continue their national expansions, they will bump up against other challengers. Ohio-based Condado, for instance, has locations in several Midwest and Southeast states, with a creative-tacos concept that sits roughly at the culinary midpoint between those of Torchy’s and Velvet, with Korean gochujang sauce and Thai chiles mixed in among more traditional Mexican American flavors. Florida-based Capital Taco has begun selling franchises to operators in other states eager to serve its self-described “Tex-Mex” menu that oddly includes a cheesesteak taco and something called the South Beach Hot Chicken.
At some point, the word “taco” can become a questionable description of the items on these menus. Velvet, for instance, serves a chicken-and-waffle taco that involves fried chicken wrapped in, you guessed it, a waffle, topped with maple syrup; it makes Taco Bell’s Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch taco look like a Oaxacan street-food classic. “The tortilla is just the vessel,” Dover told me one afternoon over a tableful of his tacos. “You can do anything you want”—including, apparently, replacing the tortilla.
In any case, the caliber of investors and number of dollars that have backed Torchy’s and Velvet make it obvious to anyone in the restaurant industry that they’re onto something big. “Tacos Are Poised to Take Over Fast Casual,” the trade publication Restaurant Business declared last year. Can Torchy’s or Velvet ever equal Taco Bell’s 8,000 stores? Not a chance, say the leaders of both companies. The menus are simply too complicated to work in that many locations, because lower-traffic spots just wouldn’t be able to turn a profit—whereas Chipotle and Taco Bell can because they require far fewer ingredients and employees. But 1,000 Torchy’s restaurants, or 1,500? “That’s the fully mature version, yeah,” Rypka says.
Early in a restaurant chain’s growth, the executives will choose expansion locations based largely on gut instinct and what’s available. But at a certain point, companies begin to rely on real estate consultants who weigh a complicated matrix of factors. A Taco Cabana might make sense in a Walmart parking lot, for instance, whereas a Torchy’s or Velvet works better in the shadow of a Target. They look at satellite images to understand whether an area’s crowds coincide with a chain’s top selling hours. They look at cellular data to profile demographics that match a chain’s strong suits. At Velvet Taco, a concentration of Indian Americans is a positive indicator—perhaps explaining the popularity of the chicken tikka taco, Dover suggests.
When all of those factors come together, sometimes the result is a Torchy’s and a Velvet sharing the same parking lot. In Lubbock, in a shopping center one short block from the campus of Texas Tech University, the two direct competitors sit not one hundred yards apart, with nothing but a Potbelly Sandwich Shop between them. In North Dallas, Torchy’s and Velvet occupy kitty-corner strip malls at the intersection of Preston Road and Forest Lane. The future of Big Taco might not be Torchy’s or Velvet, but both.
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The Battle of Big Taco
With their anything-goes approach to ingredients—and deep-pocketed investors—Torchy's Tacos and Velvet Taco have ambitious plans to expand nationally.
Something stops Clay Dover cold as he strolls behind the restaurant’s counter. The CEO of Velvet Taco has been all smiles and high fives since he entered the chain’s location in the Grandscape shopping center, amid the suburban sprawl north of Dallas. But now, staring at a few chicken strips in a bin under a heat lamp, he cuts off his friendly patter midsentence and pulls out one of the little brown hunks. He turns it over in his hand, tears it apart, takes a bite, and throws the rest in the trash with a faint trace of a pucker on his face. He’s not going to call anyone out on the spot, but he’s clearly not pleased.
Dover happens to be one of the world’s leading experts on chicken strips. As a former executive with Raising Cane’s, a Plano-based restaurant chain whose entire menu revolves around chicken strips, he knows instantly whether they’ve been made with tenderloins, a narrow cut found on the underside of the breast—“It’s the filet of chicken,” he says—or from an oversized breast that’s been sliced. He can detect whether a strip is crispy on the outside and moist on the inside or has devolved into a bumpy slab of rubber.
Today the strips in question were too small and too bready, suggesting that the crew had been serving customers the better pieces out of a batch and leaving the remains too long under the heater. The chicken didn’t pull apart with the telltale ease of a fresh tender. “Thirty-five percent of the protein in our tacos has chicken tenders in it,” he explains. “So if it’s not hot and juicy on the inside, if it’s not perfect—if you screw up the chicken, you’re done.”
Velvet Taco, which launched in Dallas thirteen years ago and now runs 46 locations in seven states, numbers among a handful of chains with the potential to redefine what a fast-food taco looks and tastes like. Sixty-plus years after Taco Bell turned a regional staple into a cheesy drive-through treat, there has yet to emerge a serious challenger with national reach, besides Chipotle, where tacos are a menu afterthought. But Velvet faces stiff competition for that prize position, and nowhere more than at home in Texas.
A few days after Dover’s Grandscape chicken-strip discovery and 220 miles south, Mike Rypka pulls on a fashionable knit blazer over his black T-shirt and heads into a conference room at the headquarters of Torchy’s Tacos, in East Austin. It’s headshot day at the chain Rypka founded in an Austin food trailer, in 2006, and which now operates 127 locations in fourteen states. “Sometimes I have to look professional,” he mutters, before stepping in front of the camera and transforming instantly from a 48-year-old tattooed dude into a corporate executive with thousands of employees.
Torchy’s started as the kind of lovably quirky local outfit whose devoted followers treat it like an extension of their personalities. But as the chain conquered city after city, it began to mirror the experience of a beloved local band that signs with a major label and lands a radio hit only to see its fans cry “sellout.” Rypka at one point stepped aside to make room for a seasoned CEO, but then he stepped back in to lead a changed company—one that’s poised to become a household name in every part of the country.
In phrasing that many taqueros might take umbrage at, Velvet’s and Torchy’s offerings have been described as “elevated” takes on the taco. What that means exactly differs quite a bit between the two chains, but each offers creative combinations of ingredients and an irreverent brand identity that trades on hedonism. Both have taken large investments—hundreds of millions of dollars—from coastal private-equity firms aiming to grow them into enormous publicly traded companies.
Mexican restaurants are on a tear in the U.S., recording some $50 billion in sales in 2022 and growing by more than 9 percent annually, far outpacing the overall economy, according to food-service consultancy Technomic. Meanwhile, Latinos have grown into the second-largest ethnic group in the country, accounting for roughly 20 percent of the population (and double that in Texas, where they constitute the largest ethnic group). As the U.S. absorbs the effects of changing demographics, opportunities for multiple national taco chains will only increase.
To be sure, other players are scrambling to claim a piece of that emerging mega industry—call it Big Taco—but Velvet and Torchy’s share an important advantage in being headquartered in Dallas and Austin, two of the best places anywhere for building food brands. “Both companies are expected to grow much faster than their competitive set,” says David Henkes, a senior principal with Technomic. It’s not surprising that the future of the taco business is being invented in Texas, but the reason has less to do with the state’s Mexican heritage and 1,200-mile international border and more to do with its proclivity for shrewd business.
Turning tacos into cash has been a Texas tradition since the late nineteenth century. Though tortillas emerged as far back as 10,000 BC, it wasn’t until the eighteenth century, according to the prevailing theory, that a stuffed tortilla became a “taco”—a word that Mexican silver miners also used to describe the little explosive paper-and-gunpowder wraps that they stuck in rock walls. When a group of women who came to be known as the Chili Queens of San Antonio started selling food from pushcarts and colorful stalls in the city’s plazas in or near the 1880s, they ushered in a blending of Mexican and American flavors that grew into Tex-Mex cuisine. Among the dishes that took off as a result—chili con carne, enchiladas, tamales—the taco was the most convenient.
It took a Californian, though, to build the first big brand around the taco. Into a crisp-fried tortilla, Taco Bell founder Glen Bell essentially stuffed a deconstructed cheeseburger—ground beef, iceberg lettuce, and shredded cheese. It was 1962. McDonald’s had revolutionized restaurants just a few years earlier with a quick-service concept that Bell adopted for his chain. By 1978, Taco Bell had nearly one thousand locations—including stores throughout Texas—thanks to an aggressive franchising model also borrowed from McDonald’s. With Mexican food still considered somewhat exotic in much of the United States, Taco Bell didn’t face as much competition as its burger brethren. But after it helped usher tacos into the mainstream, the differences between its food and that of mom-and-pop taquerias suggested an enormous opportunity to build something fresher and more authentic.
Enter Felix Stehling, the owner of a bar called the Crystal Pistol, who opened the first Taco Cabana in a decommissioned Dairy Queen in San Antonio in 1978. While Taco Bell emphasized assembly-line speed and precooked ingredients, Taco Cabana offered house-made tortillas, sizzling fajita plates, and a salsa bar. Taco Cabana’s success prompted a Minnesota entrepreneur to copy its formula almost exactly, in a Houston-based chain called Two Pesos. The resulting trademark lawsuit went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court, in 1992. Taco Cabana prevailed and eventually bought Two Pesos. But after Stehling handed the CEO reins to a former Fuddruckers executive, the emphasis on fresh ingredients began to slip, and ultimately, so did sales. The chain, which had at one point expanded to seven states, has 149 locations today, all but six of them in Texas.
As Taco Cabana’s fortunes waned, a new entrant called Chipotle was rising in Colorado with a message about ethically sourced ingredients and an investment from McDonald’s. Chipotle was the first Taco Bell challenger to take a serious bite out of the market. By the time it went public in 2006, the chain had nearly five hundred locations in 21 states. Today it has more than three thousand, compared with Taco Bell’s eight thousand, and hauled in about $10 billion in 2023. By emphasizing the quality and freshness of its food, Chipotle popularized the fast-casual dining concept and ignited an industry revolution, an upscaling of fast food without sacrificing the “fast.” Workers chopped onions and lettuce by hand every day. Customers could see raw chicken being grilled on a flattop in the back of the kitchen. Some Chipotle items—such as carnitas and barbacoa—are prepared in a central kitchen and show up in big plastic bags, but none of it arrives frozen.
Amid the stampede of restaurant concepts that then attempted to re-create the Chipotle phenomenon in countless other formats in the first two decades of this century—burgers, grain bowls, pizzas, salads, sandwiches—Shake Shack stood out. Not only did the chain started by New York fine-dining impresario Danny Meyer create a better burger—a melty pile of guilty pleasures packaged in a spongy potato roll—but it charged two or three times as much as McDonald’s for a meal. While McDonald’s and Chipotle report some $3 million in annual sales per location, Shake Shack pulls in $4 million or more.
Shake Shack also showed how an aggressive private-equity investment could grow a restaurant brand as if it were a tech firm. Leonard Green & Partners, based in Los Angeles, had funded the expansion of other companies, such as the Container Store, based in the Dallas suburb of Coppell. It invested in Shake Shack in 2012, when the company operated only a handful of restaurants, and took it public less than three years later, with 63 locations. By then the goal for investors had shifted from finding the next Chipotle to finding the next Shake Shack—and it did not go unnoticed that in the taco space, there were fewer large competitors than in burgers.
Taco Bell delivered lower annual sales per location—about $1.6 million—than burger chains. And as much as Chipotle had changed the game, its menu emphasized burritos, not tacos. Meanwhile tacos were becoming a national obsession, with tiny trailers turning out Mexican-style street tacos, Netflix commissioning taco shows, and one storied magazine even hiring a dedicated taco editor (ahem, Texas Monthly; ahem, the James Beard Award–winning José R. Ralat).
The door was open for a new taco giant—if it had a novel concept.
There may be no metro area in America with more headquarters of mass-market restaurant chains than Dallas–Fort Worth (though Orlando offers stiff competition). It only makes sense, considering DFW’s low $7.25 minimum wage and dearth of natural or political barriers to suburban development. Chili’s, Cici’s, Which Wich, Wingstop—Big D dining concepts go on and on, their towering signs punctuating the view from North Texas highways while mirrored office buildings just beyond house their executive suites. Before Clay Dover took over as the CEO of Velvet Taco, the company was run by its founder, Randy DeWitt, among the most prolific Dallas restaurateurs.
A former commercial real estate salesman who developed strip centers around Walmarts and other national retailers, DeWitt has arguably passed even the late, legendary Norman Brinker as a restaurant savant. (Brinker brought the world Bennigan’s and Steak and Ale—brands that not only created the casual-dining category and established Dallas’s dominance but also ushered in lasting innovations, such as the salad bar.)
DeWitt, 65 years old with an eye-crinkling smile and a flourishing head of politician hair, first fell in love with restaurants as a bartender in Waco while he was a student at Baylor University. He got his start in Dallas in the nineties with a coffee bar and then a seafood chain called Rockfish, whose expansion was financially backed by Brinker’s company, Brinker International. In 2005, DeWitt came up with the concept for a racy sports bar called Twin Peaks. The now infamous chain, he says, unapologetically, would “do everything better” than breastaurant pioneer Hooters, from its double entendre menu items to the acreage of skin displayed by its all-female waitstaff to the not-so-subtle innuendo in the brand name.
By 2013, Bloomberg described Twin Peaks as the fastest-growing chain in America, and DeWitt was an abundantly wealthy man. He moved a few years ago from exurban Frisco to exclusive Highland Park, where he rebuilt a home to include underground parking, a turret, and various Spanish-inspired architectural details that match those of the glittering Highland Park Village shopping plaza a few steps away.
As his empire took shape, DeWitt determined that his strengths lay in spinning up new restaurant concepts and getting them started, not in operating vast chains. So he built his company, Front Burner Restaurants, as a kind of incubator aimed at selling its creations once they proved viable. At the Ranch at Las Colinas, a Texas-themed restaurant he’d opened in Irving in 2008, he noticed the line cooks were experimenting with tacos at the end of each week, combining unexpected ingredients and feeding the staff. DeWitt began looking forward to tasting their latest creations: a rotisserie chicken taco one night, a shrimp-and-grits taco the next.
Light bulb. He’d seen plenty of new and old taquerias that focused on traditional street tacos or Tex-Mex flavors. But what if he could build a restaurant around the idea of the “liberated taco”? He originally planned to call the chain Taco Libre, but when that name turned out to have been taken by a caterer in California, he settled on Velvet Taco—“implying this is luxury and refined and something more upscale,” he says now. On the menu: a fried-oyster taco (since discontinued), a chicken tikka taco (still the chain’s best-seller), and a smashburger taco that one-ups Taco Bell’s deconstructed cheeseburger by reconstructing it.
For the logo, DeWitt chose a design that evoked a royal medallion. Or perhaps both the name and image slyly evoke a part of the female anatomy that Twin Peaks hadn’t. He has a hard time denying that. “We like playful names,” he says with a shrug, before insisting that any innuendo is accidental.
Clay Dover, boyish at 52, has the ambiguous logo embroidered into nearly every piece of clothing he owns, including shirts he wears out for date nights with his wife. He joined Velvet Taco in 2017, when it operated just four locations—in Dallas, Fort Worth, Houston, and Chicago. DeWitt had just sold a majority stake to a private equity group called L. Catterton that’s based in Greenwich, Connecticut, and affiliated with the family of Bernard Arnault, the French luxury kingpin who runs the LVMH conglomerate and regularly trades places with Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos as the world’s wealthiest person.
Before his seven years at Raising Cane’s, Dover led a Dallas restaurant group that owned a passel of once successful chains that had lost their edge—Norm Brinker creations Bennigan’s and Steak and Ale, along with steakhouse rivals Bonanza and Ponderosa. He’d met DeWitt, and they’d talked about working together (though not at Twin Peaks—“My wife would kill me,” Dover says), so he’d watched the early growth of Velvet Taco with great interest. The idea was fresh. It reflected a changing Dallas—and a changing country. The restaurant kept its purple neon lights on until four in the morning, to serve revelers in need of taco therapy before calling it a night. Dover spent a full day and night watching the scene at the Fort Worth location before he agreed to join. “It’s a rockin’ place,” he concluded.
Private equity investors tend to come in two flavors: the ones that strip a company for parts and sell them off and the ones that help a promising brand grow to the next stage before selling it to an industry giant or taking it public. Catterton is the latter, and in the five years that it was the majority owner of Velvet Taco, it expanded the chain from 4 locations to 31—before selling it in late 2021 to another private equity company, Leonard Green & Partners—the same $70 billion fund that took Shake Shack public in 2015.
Velvet’s headquarters occupies 10,000 square feet on the second floor of a building overlooking the Dallas North Tollway. There Dover oversees a staff of several dozen who work on everything from marketing campaigns to real estate development. The business end of a taco brand that aims to conquer the world looks more like a 2010s-era tech startup than your typical taqueria. In the Velvet office, a Ping-Pong table stands amid a row of cubicles near a mural of Marie Antoinette sensually eating a slice of the brand’s signature red velvet cake.
When Dover joined Velvet, he was the sole corporate-level employee; everyone else worked at one of the restaurants. Rather than tinkering with the menu, he took his first year to “understand the brand and what it means to consumers”—which involved developing a kind of handbook of catchy slogans meant to encapsulate the culture and principles of the workplace and the food the company hoped to offer. Out went “temple of the liberated taco,” for instance, and in came “tacos without borders,” a more sensitive phrasing that avoided the suggestion that the taco’s Mexican heritage was somehow holding it back.
Today the corporate team’s priorities are more tangible, including how to maintain quality standards at Velvet’s first airport outpost at Houston Hobby. Self-service touchscreen-order kiosks are another priority, but where to place them in a restaurant is a big debate. It’s one thing to figure out where they’ll get the most use, but will cost savings on labor come with trade-offs? How will average order size change? Will diners be more or less likely to explore the menu?
Perhaps most important, there’s the matter of where to expand. Dover plans for eight more locations in 2024, and then a growth acceleration in 2025. In September, Velvet opened its first restaurant in Florida—in Fort Lauderdale. Arizona is next. At some point they’ll likely expand to Southern California, home to the headquarters of both Chipotle and Taco Bell, along with a million tiny taco stands that measure up just fine against their Texas counterparts.
A team from Velvet that included DeWitt recently spent several days scouting SoCal locations and testing tacos from local chains. One restaurant served “almost exactly the same taco” as Velvet’s popular chicken tikka, DeWitt says with a nervy grin. “We know they were inspired by Velvet Taco. But what are you going to do? I came away reassured that if and when we go to that market—” he stops himself. “I shouldn’t say ‘if.’ When we go to that market, we are going to be very successful.”
On a busy weeknight near the southern end of the hypergentrified South Congress shopping district, in Austin, a steady stream of families and teenagers and a single pair of old South Austin hippie types fill the tables of an architecturally ambitious Torchy’s location designed to evoke a fifties roadside attraction. With a ridged metal roof and a series of bright red X-shaped support structures lining the front, the restaurant functions as something like a flagship location for Torchy’s—its most distinctive building, on Austin’s most iconic avenue. Runners scurry about delivering trays of tacos with names such as the Democrat (brisket, avocado, and onions on a corn tortilla), the Republican (jalapeño-cheddar sausage and pico on flour), the Tipsy Chick, and the Trailer Park, along with beers and ranch waters.
If Velvet Taco is the consummate Dallas chain—from its flashy branding to its corporate lineage—Torchy’s is as Austin as it gets. Rypka’s original Torchy’s trailer anchored a gravel lot just a few blocks from today’s flagship, on a then-scruffy stretch of South First Street across from a ramshackle botanica.
Rypka grew up in the Washington, D.C., suburbs amid the eighties punk scene—an only child of divorce whose dad, a celebrated photojournalist, was living on another continent. He picked up drugs and alcohol by age eight, developed a crack habit by fourteen, and spent two years in and out of rehab before getting clean at seventeen. Less than a year into community college, where he’d hoped to train to become a drug and alcohol counselor, Rypka woke up one night with a bolt of inspiration to drop out and become a chef.
By the time he finished culinary school a couple of years later, he knew all too well how rampant substance abuse was in professional kitchens, so he sought a straitlaced job with a company that ran in-house dining halls for large corporations. He started at the World Bank, in D.C., before working at Enron, in Houston (“I literally served the last supper there,” he says), and then at Dell, where he fell in love with Austin and decided to stay. Then an opportunity arose to repurpose a friend’s old barbecue trailer.
In 2006 food trucks were still a novel concept, but Rypka envisioned a path from those humble beginnings to a proper restaurant or even a small chain. He just needed the kind of bold flavors that make a lasting impression. From his World Bank days, where he’d run a food court with stations representing various global regions, he’d developed a wide palette of preparations to experiment with. And when he took a tour of Texas taco joints to assess the competition—in San Antonio, in the Rio Grande Valley, in Houston and Dallas and the east side of Austin—he saw his opportunity. “They were all good, but they were kind of in the same genre,” he says. “They weren’t doing anything to sort of flip it on its head.”
Authenticity wasn’t what he was after; he was a suburban East Coast white guy with a creative streak, so he built a menu accordingly. “Not everybody in the world uses serrano peppers the same way they use them in Central America,” he says, “so you can take ingredients like that and do fun things with them. Our playground is kind of limitless when it comes to food.” Each month Torchy’s offers a different limited-time special. Its first was the Trailer Park, which put hunks of fried chicken in the starring role, alongside pico de gallo and green chiles. Ordering it “trashy” style meant dousing it in queso, turning it into a celebration of gluttony that would make Guy Fieri proud. It was a home run that soon joined the regular menu.
The early years of Torchy’s coincided with the peak of Austin’s capitalizing on its “weird” image. The city hadn’t fully succumbed to the forces of Big Tech, and it still represented a kind of laid-back lifestyle mecca, even if the old-timers were already fearing a corporate takeover. Torchy’s fit right in, with graffiti-inspired bubble letters in the logo and a little red devil mascot flanked by the words “Damn Good.” Austin was a party town, and this was indulgent party food. With taco names like the since-discontinued Dirty Sanchez (a reference to . . . well, you can look it up), it also flirted with the bounds of decency (or gleefully trampled right over them).
After the taco trailer took off, Rypka opened a brick-and-mortar shop down the street, and then another location, and another, and by 2010 the chain had expanded to Dallas. Torchy’s hadn’t just drafted on Austin’s vibe; it had become something of an Austin icon itself, popular enough that even then-president Obama stopped at the South First restaurant on his way downtown from the airport before attending an event in 2016. The company had just opened its first location outside Texas, in Denver. The world awaited.
Rypka, who shaves his head and road trips in a lowrider Volkswagen bus, tells his story in a hexagonal sitting room that juts off the back of his three-story home built into the side of a steep slope above Lake Austin. In the past decade plus, the start-up boom that accompanied Austin’s explosive growth transcended tech and began to turn out trendy new consumer brands. Some of these have blown up into international icons—Kendra Scott, Tecovas, Yeti—but most of the restaurant chains born in the capital—including another beloved taco shop, Tacodeli—have remained local or regional cult phenomena.
In the far more populous Dallas–Fort Worth area, by contrast, where new chain eateries can draw from a large pool of back-office talent with deep industry experience, growing quickly by running a proven playbook is more readily achievable, even if the results don’t always inspire a passionate following.
As Torchy’s began to expand beyond Texas and exceeded forty restaurants, it needed money to fund its next phase. General Atlantic, a New York–based private equity group, bought “a significant minority stake” in 2017—and three years later added to its stake with a $400 million second investment. Among the first moves when GA came on board was to bring in the professionals—big-time executives with big-time experience who could turn Rypka’s promising little project into a global giant.
Rypka stepped aside, while G. J. Hart, who had most recently served as the CEO of California Pizza Kitchen, took over. Hart had made his name in the industry overseeing the expansion of Texas Roadhouse from $63 million to more than $1 billion in annual revenue. (Texas Roadhouse, alas, is not a Texas brand; it’s based in Louisville, Kentucky.) During Hart’s four years in charge, the Torchy’s restaurant count shot up from 45 to 96, even though the COVID-19 pandemic decimated the office lunch rush and dine-in traffic in general.
Meanwhile, Rypka, who had been eager for a break from the business, grew frustrated by what he regarded as the new management’s unforced errors. Some of the new expansion cities, he felt, were questionable choices. “They’d pick markets where Roadhouse did well,” he says. Shreveport, Louisiana. Wichita, Kansas. “But we’re not at all the same customer as Roadhouse—which is a pretty blue-collar, red-state type of deal. I mean, I’m not afraid to say that we’re a f—ing liberal brand. You know what I mean?”
The corporate playbook that might make sense when Torchy’s has hundreds of locations didn’t work for a brand that was still relatively unknown outside Texas and Colorado, Rypka reasoned. Bloomberg reported in early 2021 that the chain was exploring an initial public offering that would value it at $1 billion in its stock market debut. But by the end of that year, the IPO had failed to materialize, some of the new locations were underperforming, and the staff at headquarters had ballooned to nearly two hundred. Hart stepped down.
Tired of what he terms “farting around at the lake,” Rypka returned as CEO with a newfound energy and focus. The company needed to get scrappy and entrepreneurial again, and that was his comfort zone. “I always do better when things are a little bit on fire,” he says. He laid off 65 employees at headquarters, closed three restaurants (including the two in Wichita), and started upgrading some ingredients— making fresh tortillas in the restaurants, for example. Now, from a one-story, metal-sided headquarters building in East Austin, he’s back to fanning out across the country, this time aiming to expand to cities such as Atlanta, Chicago, Nashville—and his old haunt, D.C.
It’s hard not to notice that the founders of both Torchy’s and Velvet Taco are non-Hispanic white men. So are the industry-veteran CEOs each company hired. So was the founder of Taco Bell. And the founders of two long-established, Texas-based Taco Bell copycats: Abilene-born Taco Bueno and Fort Worth’s Taco Casa. And the founder of Irving-based Fuzzy’s Taco Shop, a fast-growing franchise that’s aimed at a lower-priced tier of the market than Torchy’s and Velvet. Add Chipotle and California-based Del Taco to the list, for that matter, and on down through the ranks of Big Taco giants and aspirants.
Even the founder of San Antonio–born Taco Cabana fit the Anglo profile—and if there’s one large city in Texas that ought to be the birthplace of a Latino-founded taco giant, it’s San Antonio. Taco Palenque, which began in Laredo and has started to spread north into other parts of Texas, is an exception [see sidebar], but so far, it’s still a regional play. (Its founder, Juan Francisco Ochoa Sr., also started California-based El Pollo Loco.)
The taco has become as much an American staple as pizza, so it’s not surprising that its mass-market brands reflect corporate America’s boardrooms more than the culture that gave rise to the food in the first place. As Texas Monthly’s taco editor, José R. Ralat, puts it, “I’m not going to say that so-and-so shouldn’t open a business because it might represent cultural appropriation. But it’s worth noting that a popular food is always going to attract the type of entrepreneurs who already have the wealth or connections to gain access to investor meetings or consultants. And who is that? Not an immigrant.”
Ralat notes that Taco Cabana might be the one chain that historically “got it right”—by which he means emphasizing fresh ingredients, at least at first. Some of its locations still do an excellent job, he maintains, such as the one near where he lives, in the Oak Cliff section of Dallas. But the chain’s history is a cautionary tale, as it eventually prioritized growth over maintaining its standards. It became a publicly traded company, beholden to shareholders above all. Then it was acquired by a large New York–based restaurant group, then spun off into another outfit, the Dallas-based Fiesta Restaurant Group. Over the past several years, Taco Cabana’s sales plunged 20 percent, and the chain closed 23 restaurants. Now it’s poised to grow again, but with a new risk factor.
Taco Cabana was purchased in 2021 by a company called Yadav Enterprises, a Northern California–based operator of hundreds of franchise locations of Denny’s, Jack in the Box, TGI Fridays, and a few other brands. Franchising is a risky business model but a common one in the fast-food industry. It can enable rapid expansion because the franchisees—independent operators who buy the rights to open locations—take on the financial burden of building out new markets. But no matter how stringent a chain makes the process and guidelines for its franchisees, it inevitably loses some control over quality and branding.
Franchising tends to work best with the simplest operations, such as Taco Bell—or more recently, Fuzzy’s, where a whopping 98 percent of its more than one hundred locations are franchises. Anil Yadav, the owner of Taco Cabana’s new parent company, announced that he hoped to expand the chain to one thousand locations all over the country—naturally, by franchising.
Both Velvet Taco’s Clay Dover and Torchy’s founder Mike Rypka say they understand the hard realities of the franchise model and vow to keep their chains growing at a more measured pace, with the companies owning every location they open—much as Shake Shack and Chipotle have done. “We’re going to keep it real tight and ‘core’ because we want to maintain the control,” Dover explains. “The details, the quality of the ingredients, the prep that goes into things ahead of time—it’s hard to go, ‘Hey, we’re just going to whip out fifty of these.’ ”
As Torchy’s and Velvet continue their national expansions, they will bump up against other challengers. Ohio-based Condado, for instance, has locations in several Midwest and Southeast states, with a creative-tacos concept that sits roughly at the culinary midpoint between those of Torchy’s and Velvet, with Korean gochujang sauce and Thai chiles mixed in among more traditional Mexican American flavors. Florida-based Capital Taco has begun selling franchises to operators in other states eager to serve its self-described “Tex-Mex” menu that oddly includes a cheesesteak taco and something called the South Beach Hot Chicken.
At some point, the word “taco” can become a questionable description of the items on these menus. Velvet, for instance, serves a chicken-and-waffle taco that involves fried chicken wrapped in, you guessed it, a waffle, topped with maple syrup; it makes Taco Bell’s Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch taco look like a Oaxacan street-food classic. “The tortilla is just the vessel,” Dover told me one afternoon over a tableful of his tacos. “You can do anything you want”—including, apparently, replacing the tortilla.
In any case, the caliber of investors and number of dollars that have backed Torchy’s and Velvet make it obvious to anyone in the restaurant industry that they’re onto something big. “Tacos Are Poised to Take Over Fast Casual,” the trade publication Restaurant Business declared last year. Can Torchy’s or Velvet ever equal Taco Bell’s 8,000 stores? Not a chance, say the leaders of both companies. The menus are simply too complicated to work in that many locations, because lower-traffic spots just wouldn’t be able to turn a profit—whereas Chipotle and Taco Bell can because they require far fewer ingredients and employees. But 1,000 Torchy’s restaurants, or 1,500? “That’s the fully mature version, yeah,” Rypka says.
Early in a restaurant chain’s growth, the executives will choose expansion locations based largely on gut instinct and what’s available. But at a certain point, companies begin to rely on real estate consultants who weigh a complicated matrix of factors. A Taco Cabana might make sense in a Walmart parking lot, for instance, whereas a Torchy’s or Velvet works better in the shadow of a Target. They look at satellite images to understand whether an area’s crowds coincide with a chain’s top selling hours. They look at cellular data to profile demographics that match a chain’s strong suits. At Velvet Taco, a concentration of Indian Americans is a positive indicator—perhaps explaining the popularity of the chicken tikka taco, Dover suggests.
When all of those factors come together, sometimes the result is a Torchy’s and a Velvet sharing the same parking lot. In Lubbock, in a shopping center one short block from the campus of Texas Tech University, the two direct competitors sit not one hundred yards apart, with nothing but a Potbelly Sandwich Shop between them. In North Dallas, Torchy’s and Velvet occupy kitty-corner strip malls at the intersection of Preston Road and Forest Lane. The future of Big Taco might not be Torchy’s or Velvet, but both.
2024.04.19 19:45 VeryUnluckyDice Changing Times Ch4 - Andante
Playing By Ear
Bloodhound Saga
Wakeup Super
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Memory transcription subject: Wes Gidbrook, Human Refugee
Date [standardized human time]: October 29th, 2136
I felt like I was losing my mind.
The air of the shelter seemed to settle to the floor, weighed down by the downtrodden spirits of its inhabitants. The atmosphere had been melancholy at best since the attack on Earth, each refugee either stricken with grief or otherwise sulking from the quiet sobs one could hear in passing. What’s more, we knew we weren’t welcome in the area, not by everyone. While there were no rules that said we couldn’t leave the shelter, nobody seemed to want to take the chance.
I’d been thoroughly warned about the exterminators on my first trip to Venlil Prime. They’d made a point to disarm the campus guild during our concert, but I knew better than to think that was the norm.
Still, I felt like I wanted to be anywhere other than within the safety of the shelter. The mood around the place was really starting to get to me. I was one of the lucky ones, not losing my friends or family like some of the tearful people I passed in the corridors. While I couldn’t fault them for their demeanors, I also felt like the constant sight of depression was doing my own psyche no favors.
Yet, I had nowhere to go. My apartment back home had been shredded by ship debris. Everyone I knew had their own problems to worry about without having to house me. Frankly, I couldn’t justify going back to Earth yet, so at the shelter I stayed.
I mainly spent my time wandering the halls, taking glances through the windows at the vegetation outside. At least, I appreciated what I could see that wasn’t hidden behind the stark concrete walls that made up the perimeter. I still wasn’t sure if those were to protect the Venlil outside from us, or to protect us from overzealous exterminators.
Probably both.
As I meandered about the building, I picked up bits of passing conversation here and there. Maybe someone was checking on a family member or trying to get everything organized for their return back home. Sometimes I’d pass someone consoling another resident as they broke down in the open. And yet, even still, there were decidedly average conversations, just people passing the time like I was.
“This whole shelter and only one coffee maker,” I heard someone mutter to another nearby. “Naturally, it’s broken within a couple weeks. Probably not getting a new one anytime soon now that the supply chain is fucked.”
“There might be other options,” The other man replied. “I heard there’s a university nearby that’s been inviting Human professors and such. Supposedly, you can get certain things from back home around there. I think it was called…White Cliff? No…White Hill.”
I stopped in my tracks, having just caught that last part as I was leaving earshot.
White Hill…is it nearby?
Admittedly, I hadn’t even looked at a map since arriving on Venlil Prime. I’d already sort of resigned myself to having to stay in the shelter. Plus, when I’d heard that Dallas had been spared, I assumed that I’d be out of here soon anyway, heading back home to my apartment.
I pulled out my phone and started my research as I walked. The Venlil supposedly didn’t have full access to our internet, but they seemed to have no issue giving us access to theirs. I had no issue bringing up a map of the surrounding area. The shelter was in a town called Braying Valley, but a quick zoom out showed other nearby locations. Sure enough, White Hill was just a short ways away, and a zoom in on it confirmed that it was the White Hill I was thinking of. There was a train running to it as well, and the station was, surprisingly, just a short walk from the shelter. It looked like I’d have no trouble getting there.
I didn’t waste any time.
It was still early in the ‘claw’, so I didn’t have to worry about curfew. It was time to brave the area outside the shelter. Sitting and stewing in the thick layer of depression was not going to do anything good for me, but maybe seeing some familiar faces would.
I grabbed my bag and donned my mask before leaving through the front gate. The guards warned me to watch out for exterminators and to keep my face pointing away from the locals. Little did they know, I was already well aware. This wasn’t my first time interacting with the Venlil, and the last time was a lot less subtle than this.
Then again, I had protection from the government then. I’m on my own now.
I tried to ignore that thought, as well as the passing Venlil that darted away, as I made my way to the train station. Technically, the exterminators weren’t supposed to do anything unless I was deemed some kind of threat, but given how jumpy they all were, it didn’t seem like it would take much. I just kept to myself, doing my best not to give anyone a reason to panic.
Quickly growing tired of the nervous bleating that cropped up here and there, I pushed some earbuds into my ears and tried to drown it out with a little music. The song choice didn’t matter, I just set it to shuffle and hit play.
The song was instantly recognizable to me, the guitar and keyboard opening with their respective runs set to the same cadence. The motion of their playing was almost erratic, possessing both a rapid change in verticality and sporadic pauses. And yet, they fell into a bright harmony with each other, lending the piece a surprising amount of energy for just two parts.
They climbed higher and higher until…
…the rhythm section broke into the fray. The cymbals hissed consistently while the kick drum and snare betrayed it with a cadence that was almost impossible to follow. If not for those constant, light taps on the cymbal, it would be hard to determine the time signature.
The bass guitar seemed to feed off the chaotic energy around it, its part being simple yet filled with motion. It climbed upward in pitch with a zig-zag motion, almost like it were trying to map out a bolt of lighting across the staff lines.
All together, it felt like a summer day as a child, endless possibilities and a sense of urgency to explore every one. Each instrument was played with fervor, and the jovial attitude filled every part of the song.
And yet, as it exited another climbing section, it seemed to fall like an autumn leaf, the drums giving way to just the guitars and accents of the keyboard. Then came the vocals.
For a moment, the dreariness of the shelter, the fearful reactions of the locals, my decimated apartment back home, and all the other problems just melted away, replaced with a sense of brilliant, shining optimism.
Just as the song ended, I found myself at the station. Once more hearing the sounds of nervous Venlil, my attitude took a bit of a decline again. Still, I’d made the walk without any major incidents, so that was a plus.
So far, so good. No exterminators yet…
I found myself onboard a train to White Hill easily enough. Of course, no one seated themselves near me, much preferring to stand up against the walls on either end of the cabin. Still, I didn’t have to deal with it much longer. Once I reached the campus, things would be better. According to all our Venfriends in the group chat, there were already Humans wandering all over the place.
Just one train ride and I’m (probably) in the clear.
[Fast-forward transcription: 40 minutes]
It was a long ride with the tension caused by my presence, but at least that uneasy air slowly dissipated the closer we came to White Hill. Not only did the passengers start to grow accustomed to me being there, the newly boarding aliens looked a lot less fearful than the ones that were there when I got on. I figured I had the university's efforts to thank for that. Still, it was clear that most of the folks were uncomfortable with me being there.
The music was a good distraction, and my eye also caught a string of new messages in our group chat. It seemed that Brad found some work setting up and repairing comms between Venlil Prime and Earth. The company was happy to see that he'd been to this planet already, and they planned to send him back and forth to work on both ends of the planetary network. After that hellish bombing, it was good seeing everyone starting to pick up the pieces.
Between music and messages, I was able to keep myself somewhat busy throughout the train ride. So, while it was lengthy and tense, I was at least able to keep my attention off of it for the most part.
Just as the train station was close to the shelter back in Braying Valley, my stop was close to the school as well. In general, the atmosphere was a lot less uneasy. I was still being avoided, but it was more of a ‘you still kinda spook me’ wide berth than a ‘please don't eat me’ wide berth.
Gotta take the little victories.
I actually saw a couple Humans taking a stroll a ways down the road, reflective masks in place just like mine. It was refreshing to see that we could walk in the open here without anyone making a break for it. But, having arrived, I realized I hadn't put much thought into what I actually planned to do. I'd gotten lost in my music on the train, simply satisfied to be out of the shelter for once.
Lacking any direction, I spent some time just wandering around the campus. Our makeshift band was very ‘in and out’ for the concert, restricted only to where we were supposed to be. This time was different. I had free reign to explore the campus, and I intended to do so.
It was nice getting to look at all the alien architecture without it being from inside a moving van or being shuffled discreetly into the back of a concert hall. A lot of the buildings were built with large, dark wood arches and crystal sculptures that refracted the light out in rainbows. It almost looked like something from a fantasy setting if there weren't also glowing screens scattered about the place.
But, after a while, I decided I needed to actually have a destination.
Alright. Where am I actually trying to go?
It was just now dawning on me that all the aliens I knew were maybe in class. I didn't have their schedules, so visiting my friends may not have been in the cards. I could send a message in the group chat to see who was available, but it probably would have been better to message someone before I arrived.
I didn't get much time to consider my lack of forethought, however. The brisk pace of a passing Venlil drew my attention, and the rich color of her fur was plenty familiar.
“Kila!” I called out, causing her to stop in her tracks.
“Wha?” Her ears swiveled to face me and she pointed one I in my direction. “Yes? Do I know you?”
“I guess the mask does no favors, huh?” I sighed. “Still, I thought you'd recognize my voice.”
“Your…voice…?”
“When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful…”
Her tail straighted as I sang, realization prominent in her features.
“Wes?! Stars, you sound different behind that mask. Why are you at White Hill?”
“Shelter was in a nearby town,” I shrugged. “Couldn't stand the atmosphere so I took a little trip. I was actually about to send something in the group chat to see who was available for a meetup.”
“Well, I'm a little busy currently,” Kila scratched at her arm. “Still, if you come with me I can at least show you the campus workshop while I try to manage things.”
“Good a plan as any,” I replied. “Lead the way.”
As we traversed the campus, Kila kept falling into ‘tour mode’, pointing out buildings and landmarks like she had to with the other Human arrivals. It was a bit funny watching her slip back into her spiel over and over again, only to realize what she was doing and shake her head.
“Stars, I’ve been on autopilot lately. There’s just been so much to do, I really haven’t been able to consciously think about all of it.”
“I get it,” I assured her. “Honestly, I feel a little bad interrupting your rhythm. It sounds like you’ve been busy enough as it is without dealing with me.”
“Honestly, I appreciate the distraction,” Kila replied. “I need something to remind me that I’m a person and not a drone. Otherwise, I’m gonna lose it!”
“Things should calm down soon, right?”
“Once we’ve settled all the new Humans in, everything should be easier. Right now, it’s all I can do to keep all my responsibilities in check.”
“Speaking of Humans coming to Venlil Prime, did you hear about Brad?” I asked.
“Haven’t had a chance to look at my messages yet this paw. What’s up? Nothing bad happened, did it?”
“Nothing bad. He got a job working on the interplanetary network between here and Earth. Apparently, they’re gonna have him traveling back and forth.”
“Really? I bet Mezil was ecstatic to learn that.”
“Oh yeah, he was popping off in the group chat. Must’ve sent a hundred messages.”
Kila giggled and swayed her tail behind her.
“What a goober. He’s so cute when he gets excited about something. Well, here we are. This is where the magic happens!”
The building, on the outside, didn’t look much different from the others save for the raw materials that were stacked up next to it. Kila gave me some eye and ear protection before stepping inside. Fortunately, they’d recently made some safety glasses for Humans. Not long ago, I would’ve been out of luck with my binocular vision.
As soon as the door opened, we were struck by a wall of sound. I adjusted my earplugs to block it out more effectively, then followed in after Kila.
“WE’VE HAD A PRETTY BIG CHUNK OF THE SHOP SET ASIDE FOR OUR CLUB!” She called out over the machinery. “IT’S CAUSED A FEW SPATS HERE AND THERE, BUT I THINK IT’S ALL BEEN SMOOTHED OVER AT THIS POINT!”
“WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN MAKING HERE?” I asked, pushing the limits of my voice.
“A LOT OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS FOR ONE THING! LOTS OF STUDENTS AND STAFF WANTED TO TRY THEIR PAWS AT THE INSTRUMENTS THEY SAW DURING THE CONCERT!”
That gave me some pause. There was something I’d been missing since arriving on Venlil Prime, something important…
My line of thought was interrupted as we approached a pearly-coated Venlil, standing by what appeared to be a massive 3D printer. Kila tapped him on the shoulder to get their attention. The slow turn gave way to a jolt in surprise when they caught sight of me. I could hear the panicked bleat over the machinery.
“AH! K-KILA! HUMAN! F-FUCK!”
“WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT, RELEN? YOU’RE LITERALLY BUILDING A HUMAN DEVICE!”
“I JUST…FUCK…WARN ME NEXT TIME, PLEASE!”
Kila’s tail swayed once again, clearly humored by the intense reaction.
“DIDN’T MEAN TO SPOOK YOU!” I shouted, the deeper, bassey tone of my voice clearly doing nothing for my attempts at building a non-threatening image.
“THIS IS WES!” Kila explained. “HE WAS IN THE CONCERT LAST TERM! YOU KNOW, THE ONE YOU WERE SO TERRIFIED TO ATTEND!”
“YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN, ARE YOU?” Relen flicked his ears in what seemed to be annoyance. “I’VE ALREADY ADMITTED I WAS WRONG ABOUT HUMANS! LET IT GO!”
“I’LL THINK ABOUT IT! HOW HAVE THINGS GONE WHILE I WAS AWAY? ANYTHING ON FIRE?”
“NOPE! EVERYTHING’S BEEN SURPRISINGLY SMOOTH!”
“AWESOME! LOOKS LIKE MY DELEGATION EFFORTS ARE PAYING OFF! I GUESS THIS MEANS I DO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO TALK, WES!”
“WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO SOMEWHERE A BIT QUIETER THOUGH,” I suggested. “I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN SHOUT LIKE THIS BEFORE LOSING MY VOICE!”
“AGREED! I’LL TAKE US TO THE BACK ROOM! SEE YOU LATER, RELEN! LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING EXPLODES!”
“WILL DO!” The pale Venlil responded before going back to their task.
As we escaped the cacophony, stepping out into a much more mellow corridor, Kila let out a whistling laugh.
“You should have seen how terrified Relen was when he first heard that Humans were coming to White Hill. Stars, he couldn’t even sleep soundly. I watched him fall asleep in the middle of eating. He’s still a bit jumpy, but he’s helping me run this club now. It’s a pretty big turnaround!”
“No kidding,” I replied. “He seems pretty reliable, anyway.”
“Oh yeah, he helps a ton. I’ve been trying to distribute some of the organizational tasks to others, and he’s taken on a few. Makes my job a little easier.”
“So, other than instruments, what has your club been putting together?”
“Come on, I'll show you,” Kila motioned with her tail to follow.
We came to a storage room lined completely with Human objects. There was no real rhyme or reason to where any of it was stored. Keyboard pianos sat next to…pasta makers? Was that a rotisserie rack next to that treadmill? Who was even asking for these things?
Kila seemed to sense my bewilderment.
“Yeah, we get some oddball requests, especially the treadmill. The guy that ordered it wanted to ‘improve their running in case a Human got too hungry’. I guess they figured that they needed the same training a Human might use?”
“Pfft!” I couldn't help but snicker. “I think the stamina would do them in before the speed.”
Kila looked a bit uneasy, and I realized how bad that might have sounded.
“S-sorry,” I quickly tried to double back. “I don't mean to imply that a Human would actually chase down a Venlil.”
“I know,” Kila assured me. “And, I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes little things like that just…catch me off guard. It's hard to unlearn the reaction…”
“I understand. Sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
She shook her head and stood a little taller.
“Don't be! I know you weren't serious. Let's just move past it, alright? Maybe you can judge the bass guitar I made.”
“You made one?”
I'd noticed the acoustic guitars hanging from the wall, but there weren't any basses visible. Kila reached down below a table and slid out a case labeled ‘Bass Prototype 4’.
“Actually, we've made a few. This was just the first one that was actually usable. It was one I made almost entirely myself, and it served as a good learning experience for making Bonti's electric guitar.”
She cracked open the case and opened it wide. Inside, was a very rounded five-string bass. It boasted a natural wooden look, like it had been carved directly from the tree. Yet, it had been sanded down meticulously.
Kila passed the instrument over to me, and I plucked a few notes. Feeling that the thing was strung well, I slapped out a thick melody, pushing the durability. It held up well under my powerful motions.
“It's solid,” I judged. “I had one kinda like it back home, though it might have gotten blown to pieces by ship shrapnel.”
“You want this one?” Kila offered.
“Nah, I brought my favorite bass with me. But, I was thinking about asking you for something else. Do you have any amps available? We could only bring so much to Venlil Prime, and the bass itself pushed my limit.”
“We have some spare bass amps. They don’t come free, though. Not the finished stuff, anyway.”
“That's fine with me. They gave us refugees some credits to work with. I should be able to afford it.”
“Anything else you need?”
I scanned the room. Nothing particularly stuck out to me as something I’d need for myself. But, just before I said as much, a thought crossed my mind.
“I don't suppose you have any coffee makers?”
Kila whistled a lengthy laugh.
“Are you kidding? Everyone has been asking for those. It’s not just Humans, either!”
And so, I left the workshop with a compact bass amp in hand and a coffee maker stuffed into my bag. It was a lot to lug around, but I knew I'd spend most of the trip back sitting on a train anyway.
Kila called out to me as I walked away from the workshop.
“Stop by here again soon! And, next time, send a message in the chat before you get here!”
“Right!” I replied with a wave of my hand. “Don't worry! I'll be back here soon as long as nothing crazy happens! Have a good d-...paw, Kila!”
“You too!”
With that, I took my leave from White Hill. I would have liked to stay longer, but carrying everything along all day would probably be difficult. Besides, I was eager to try out the new amp, and there was nothing keeping me at the shelter in the coming ‘paws’. I could always return again soon.
Back to the shelter I went, hopefully to make some frustrated coffee drinkers a little less cranky.
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submitted by VeryUnluckyDice to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
Bloodhound Saga
Wakeup Super
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Memory transcription subject: Wes Gidbrook, Human Refugee
Date [standardized human time]: October 29th, 2136
I felt like I was losing my mind.
The air of the shelter seemed to settle to the floor, weighed down by the downtrodden spirits of its inhabitants. The atmosphere had been melancholy at best since the attack on Earth, each refugee either stricken with grief or otherwise sulking from the quiet sobs one could hear in passing. What’s more, we knew we weren’t welcome in the area, not by everyone. While there were no rules that said we couldn’t leave the shelter, nobody seemed to want to take the chance.
I’d been thoroughly warned about the exterminators on my first trip to Venlil Prime. They’d made a point to disarm the campus guild during our concert, but I knew better than to think that was the norm.
Still, I felt like I wanted to be anywhere other than within the safety of the shelter. The mood around the place was really starting to get to me. I was one of the lucky ones, not losing my friends or family like some of the tearful people I passed in the corridors. While I couldn’t fault them for their demeanors, I also felt like the constant sight of depression was doing my own psyche no favors.
Yet, I had nowhere to go. My apartment back home had been shredded by ship debris. Everyone I knew had their own problems to worry about without having to house me. Frankly, I couldn’t justify going back to Earth yet, so at the shelter I stayed.
I mainly spent my time wandering the halls, taking glances through the windows at the vegetation outside. At least, I appreciated what I could see that wasn’t hidden behind the stark concrete walls that made up the perimeter. I still wasn’t sure if those were to protect the Venlil outside from us, or to protect us from overzealous exterminators.
Probably both.
As I meandered about the building, I picked up bits of passing conversation here and there. Maybe someone was checking on a family member or trying to get everything organized for their return back home. Sometimes I’d pass someone consoling another resident as they broke down in the open. And yet, even still, there were decidedly average conversations, just people passing the time like I was.
“This whole shelter and only one coffee maker,” I heard someone mutter to another nearby. “Naturally, it’s broken within a couple weeks. Probably not getting a new one anytime soon now that the supply chain is fucked.”
“There might be other options,” The other man replied. “I heard there’s a university nearby that’s been inviting Human professors and such. Supposedly, you can get certain things from back home around there. I think it was called…White Cliff? No…White Hill.”
I stopped in my tracks, having just caught that last part as I was leaving earshot.
White Hill…is it nearby?
Admittedly, I hadn’t even looked at a map since arriving on Venlil Prime. I’d already sort of resigned myself to having to stay in the shelter. Plus, when I’d heard that Dallas had been spared, I assumed that I’d be out of here soon anyway, heading back home to my apartment.
I pulled out my phone and started my research as I walked. The Venlil supposedly didn’t have full access to our internet, but they seemed to have no issue giving us access to theirs. I had no issue bringing up a map of the surrounding area. The shelter was in a town called Braying Valley, but a quick zoom out showed other nearby locations. Sure enough, White Hill was just a short ways away, and a zoom in on it confirmed that it was the White Hill I was thinking of. There was a train running to it as well, and the station was, surprisingly, just a short walk from the shelter. It looked like I’d have no trouble getting there.
I didn’t waste any time.
It was still early in the ‘claw’, so I didn’t have to worry about curfew. It was time to brave the area outside the shelter. Sitting and stewing in the thick layer of depression was not going to do anything good for me, but maybe seeing some familiar faces would.
I grabbed my bag and donned my mask before leaving through the front gate. The guards warned me to watch out for exterminators and to keep my face pointing away from the locals. Little did they know, I was already well aware. This wasn’t my first time interacting with the Venlil, and the last time was a lot less subtle than this.
Then again, I had protection from the government then. I’m on my own now.
I tried to ignore that thought, as well as the passing Venlil that darted away, as I made my way to the train station. Technically, the exterminators weren’t supposed to do anything unless I was deemed some kind of threat, but given how jumpy they all were, it didn’t seem like it would take much. I just kept to myself, doing my best not to give anyone a reason to panic.
Quickly growing tired of the nervous bleating that cropped up here and there, I pushed some earbuds into my ears and tried to drown it out with a little music. The song choice didn’t matter, I just set it to shuffle and hit play.
The song was instantly recognizable to me, the guitar and keyboard opening with their respective runs set to the same cadence. The motion of their playing was almost erratic, possessing both a rapid change in verticality and sporadic pauses. And yet, they fell into a bright harmony with each other, lending the piece a surprising amount of energy for just two parts.
They climbed higher and higher until…
…the rhythm section broke into the fray. The cymbals hissed consistently while the kick drum and snare betrayed it with a cadence that was almost impossible to follow. If not for those constant, light taps on the cymbal, it would be hard to determine the time signature.
The bass guitar seemed to feed off the chaotic energy around it, its part being simple yet filled with motion. It climbed upward in pitch with a zig-zag motion, almost like it were trying to map out a bolt of lighting across the staff lines.
All together, it felt like a summer day as a child, endless possibilities and a sense of urgency to explore every one. Each instrument was played with fervor, and the jovial attitude filled every part of the song.
And yet, as it exited another climbing section, it seemed to fall like an autumn leaf, the drums giving way to just the guitars and accents of the keyboard. Then came the vocals.
Long Distance RunaroundRepeating the intermediary phrase from before, the whole band descended along the accents of the drums and keyboard, pushing it lower and lower just to pick up again at the next section. The piece had become more structured.
Long time waiting to feel the sound
I still remember the dream there
I still remember the time you said goodbye
Did we really tell lies?
Letting in the sunshine
Did we really count to one hundred?
Cold summer listening
Hot color melting the anger to stone
I still remember the dream there
I still remember the time you said goodbye
Long distance runaroundWith that, it flew back into the wild motion from before. The footing that had been established opened up to plunge me into what felt like a twisting and turning water slide. There was no fighting the flow of it, simply zipping along as it traveled from point to point.
Long time waiting to feel the sound
I still remember the dream there
I still remember the time you said goodbye
For a moment, the dreariness of the shelter, the fearful reactions of the locals, my decimated apartment back home, and all the other problems just melted away, replaced with a sense of brilliant, shining optimism.
Cold summer listeningThe guitar became encased in a reverberating echo, fluttering thoughtlessly on its own in the moments of finality.
Hot color melting the anger to stone
I still remember the dream there
I still remember the time you said goodbye
Did we really tell lies?
Letting in the sunshine
Did we really count to one hundred?
Looking for the sunshine
Just as the song ended, I found myself at the station. Once more hearing the sounds of nervous Venlil, my attitude took a bit of a decline again. Still, I’d made the walk without any major incidents, so that was a plus.
So far, so good. No exterminators yet…
I found myself onboard a train to White Hill easily enough. Of course, no one seated themselves near me, much preferring to stand up against the walls on either end of the cabin. Still, I didn’t have to deal with it much longer. Once I reached the campus, things would be better. According to all our Venfriends in the group chat, there were already Humans wandering all over the place.
Just one train ride and I’m (probably) in the clear.
[Fast-forward transcription: 40 minutes]
It was a long ride with the tension caused by my presence, but at least that uneasy air slowly dissipated the closer we came to White Hill. Not only did the passengers start to grow accustomed to me being there, the newly boarding aliens looked a lot less fearful than the ones that were there when I got on. I figured I had the university's efforts to thank for that. Still, it was clear that most of the folks were uncomfortable with me being there.
The music was a good distraction, and my eye also caught a string of new messages in our group chat. It seemed that Brad found some work setting up and repairing comms between Venlil Prime and Earth. The company was happy to see that he'd been to this planet already, and they planned to send him back and forth to work on both ends of the planetary network. After that hellish bombing, it was good seeing everyone starting to pick up the pieces.
Between music and messages, I was able to keep myself somewhat busy throughout the train ride. So, while it was lengthy and tense, I was at least able to keep my attention off of it for the most part.
Just as the train station was close to the shelter back in Braying Valley, my stop was close to the school as well. In general, the atmosphere was a lot less uneasy. I was still being avoided, but it was more of a ‘you still kinda spook me’ wide berth than a ‘please don't eat me’ wide berth.
Gotta take the little victories.
I actually saw a couple Humans taking a stroll a ways down the road, reflective masks in place just like mine. It was refreshing to see that we could walk in the open here without anyone making a break for it. But, having arrived, I realized I hadn't put much thought into what I actually planned to do. I'd gotten lost in my music on the train, simply satisfied to be out of the shelter for once.
Lacking any direction, I spent some time just wandering around the campus. Our makeshift band was very ‘in and out’ for the concert, restricted only to where we were supposed to be. This time was different. I had free reign to explore the campus, and I intended to do so.
It was nice getting to look at all the alien architecture without it being from inside a moving van or being shuffled discreetly into the back of a concert hall. A lot of the buildings were built with large, dark wood arches and crystal sculptures that refracted the light out in rainbows. It almost looked like something from a fantasy setting if there weren't also glowing screens scattered about the place.
But, after a while, I decided I needed to actually have a destination.
Alright. Where am I actually trying to go?
It was just now dawning on me that all the aliens I knew were maybe in class. I didn't have their schedules, so visiting my friends may not have been in the cards. I could send a message in the group chat to see who was available, but it probably would have been better to message someone before I arrived.
I didn't get much time to consider my lack of forethought, however. The brisk pace of a passing Venlil drew my attention, and the rich color of her fur was plenty familiar.
“Kila!” I called out, causing her to stop in her tracks.
“Wha?” Her ears swiveled to face me and she pointed one I in my direction. “Yes? Do I know you?”
“I guess the mask does no favors, huh?” I sighed. “Still, I thought you'd recognize my voice.”
“Your…voice…?”
“When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful…”
Her tail straighted as I sang, realization prominent in her features.
“Wes?! Stars, you sound different behind that mask. Why are you at White Hill?”
“Shelter was in a nearby town,” I shrugged. “Couldn't stand the atmosphere so I took a little trip. I was actually about to send something in the group chat to see who was available for a meetup.”
“Well, I'm a little busy currently,” Kila scratched at her arm. “Still, if you come with me I can at least show you the campus workshop while I try to manage things.”
“Good a plan as any,” I replied. “Lead the way.”
As we traversed the campus, Kila kept falling into ‘tour mode’, pointing out buildings and landmarks like she had to with the other Human arrivals. It was a bit funny watching her slip back into her spiel over and over again, only to realize what she was doing and shake her head.
“Stars, I’ve been on autopilot lately. There’s just been so much to do, I really haven’t been able to consciously think about all of it.”
“I get it,” I assured her. “Honestly, I feel a little bad interrupting your rhythm. It sounds like you’ve been busy enough as it is without dealing with me.”
“Honestly, I appreciate the distraction,” Kila replied. “I need something to remind me that I’m a person and not a drone. Otherwise, I’m gonna lose it!”
“Things should calm down soon, right?”
“Once we’ve settled all the new Humans in, everything should be easier. Right now, it’s all I can do to keep all my responsibilities in check.”
“Speaking of Humans coming to Venlil Prime, did you hear about Brad?” I asked.
“Haven’t had a chance to look at my messages yet this paw. What’s up? Nothing bad happened, did it?”
“Nothing bad. He got a job working on the interplanetary network between here and Earth. Apparently, they’re gonna have him traveling back and forth.”
“Really? I bet Mezil was ecstatic to learn that.”
“Oh yeah, he was popping off in the group chat. Must’ve sent a hundred messages.”
Kila giggled and swayed her tail behind her.
“What a goober. He’s so cute when he gets excited about something. Well, here we are. This is where the magic happens!”
The building, on the outside, didn’t look much different from the others save for the raw materials that were stacked up next to it. Kila gave me some eye and ear protection before stepping inside. Fortunately, they’d recently made some safety glasses for Humans. Not long ago, I would’ve been out of luck with my binocular vision.
As soon as the door opened, we were struck by a wall of sound. I adjusted my earplugs to block it out more effectively, then followed in after Kila.
“WE’VE HAD A PRETTY BIG CHUNK OF THE SHOP SET ASIDE FOR OUR CLUB!” She called out over the machinery. “IT’S CAUSED A FEW SPATS HERE AND THERE, BUT I THINK IT’S ALL BEEN SMOOTHED OVER AT THIS POINT!”
“WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN MAKING HERE?” I asked, pushing the limits of my voice.
“A LOT OF MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS FOR ONE THING! LOTS OF STUDENTS AND STAFF WANTED TO TRY THEIR PAWS AT THE INSTRUMENTS THEY SAW DURING THE CONCERT!”
That gave me some pause. There was something I’d been missing since arriving on Venlil Prime, something important…
My line of thought was interrupted as we approached a pearly-coated Venlil, standing by what appeared to be a massive 3D printer. Kila tapped him on the shoulder to get their attention. The slow turn gave way to a jolt in surprise when they caught sight of me. I could hear the panicked bleat over the machinery.
“AH! K-KILA! HUMAN! F-FUCK!”
“WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING OUT ABOUT, RELEN? YOU’RE LITERALLY BUILDING A HUMAN DEVICE!”
“I JUST…FUCK…WARN ME NEXT TIME, PLEASE!”
Kila’s tail swayed once again, clearly humored by the intense reaction.
“DIDN’T MEAN TO SPOOK YOU!” I shouted, the deeper, bassey tone of my voice clearly doing nothing for my attempts at building a non-threatening image.
“THIS IS WES!” Kila explained. “HE WAS IN THE CONCERT LAST TERM! YOU KNOW, THE ONE YOU WERE SO TERRIFIED TO ATTEND!”
“YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO LET ME LIVE THAT DOWN, ARE YOU?” Relen flicked his ears in what seemed to be annoyance. “I’VE ALREADY ADMITTED I WAS WRONG ABOUT HUMANS! LET IT GO!”
“I’LL THINK ABOUT IT! HOW HAVE THINGS GONE WHILE I WAS AWAY? ANYTHING ON FIRE?”
“NOPE! EVERYTHING’S BEEN SURPRISINGLY SMOOTH!”
“AWESOME! LOOKS LIKE MY DELEGATION EFFORTS ARE PAYING OFF! I GUESS THIS MEANS I DO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO TALK, WES!”
“WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO SOMEWHERE A BIT QUIETER THOUGH,” I suggested. “I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN SHOUT LIKE THIS BEFORE LOSING MY VOICE!”
“AGREED! I’LL TAKE US TO THE BACK ROOM! SEE YOU LATER, RELEN! LET ME KNOW IF ANYTHING EXPLODES!”
“WILL DO!” The pale Venlil responded before going back to their task.
As we escaped the cacophony, stepping out into a much more mellow corridor, Kila let out a whistling laugh.
“You should have seen how terrified Relen was when he first heard that Humans were coming to White Hill. Stars, he couldn’t even sleep soundly. I watched him fall asleep in the middle of eating. He’s still a bit jumpy, but he’s helping me run this club now. It’s a pretty big turnaround!”
“No kidding,” I replied. “He seems pretty reliable, anyway.”
“Oh yeah, he helps a ton. I’ve been trying to distribute some of the organizational tasks to others, and he’s taken on a few. Makes my job a little easier.”
“So, other than instruments, what has your club been putting together?”
“Come on, I'll show you,” Kila motioned with her tail to follow.
We came to a storage room lined completely with Human objects. There was no real rhyme or reason to where any of it was stored. Keyboard pianos sat next to…pasta makers? Was that a rotisserie rack next to that treadmill? Who was even asking for these things?
Kila seemed to sense my bewilderment.
“Yeah, we get some oddball requests, especially the treadmill. The guy that ordered it wanted to ‘improve their running in case a Human got too hungry’. I guess they figured that they needed the same training a Human might use?”
“Pfft!” I couldn't help but snicker. “I think the stamina would do them in before the speed.”
Kila looked a bit uneasy, and I realized how bad that might have sounded.
“S-sorry,” I quickly tried to double back. “I don't mean to imply that a Human would actually chase down a Venlil.”
“I know,” Kila assured me. “And, I know it shouldn't matter, but sometimes little things like that just…catch me off guard. It's hard to unlearn the reaction…”
“I understand. Sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
She shook her head and stood a little taller.
“Don't be! I know you weren't serious. Let's just move past it, alright? Maybe you can judge the bass guitar I made.”
“You made one?”
I'd noticed the acoustic guitars hanging from the wall, but there weren't any basses visible. Kila reached down below a table and slid out a case labeled ‘Bass Prototype 4’.
“Actually, we've made a few. This was just the first one that was actually usable. It was one I made almost entirely myself, and it served as a good learning experience for making Bonti's electric guitar.”
She cracked open the case and opened it wide. Inside, was a very rounded five-string bass. It boasted a natural wooden look, like it had been carved directly from the tree. Yet, it had been sanded down meticulously.
Kila passed the instrument over to me, and I plucked a few notes. Feeling that the thing was strung well, I slapped out a thick melody, pushing the durability. It held up well under my powerful motions.
“It's solid,” I judged. “I had one kinda like it back home, though it might have gotten blown to pieces by ship shrapnel.”
“You want this one?” Kila offered.
“Nah, I brought my favorite bass with me. But, I was thinking about asking you for something else. Do you have any amps available? We could only bring so much to Venlil Prime, and the bass itself pushed my limit.”
“We have some spare bass amps. They don’t come free, though. Not the finished stuff, anyway.”
“That's fine with me. They gave us refugees some credits to work with. I should be able to afford it.”
“Anything else you need?”
I scanned the room. Nothing particularly stuck out to me as something I’d need for myself. But, just before I said as much, a thought crossed my mind.
“I don't suppose you have any coffee makers?”
Kila whistled a lengthy laugh.
“Are you kidding? Everyone has been asking for those. It’s not just Humans, either!”
And so, I left the workshop with a compact bass amp in hand and a coffee maker stuffed into my bag. It was a lot to lug around, but I knew I'd spend most of the trip back sitting on a train anyway.
Kila called out to me as I walked away from the workshop.
“Stop by here again soon! And, next time, send a message in the chat before you get here!”
“Right!” I replied with a wave of my hand. “Don't worry! I'll be back here soon as long as nothing crazy happens! Have a good d-...paw, Kila!”
“You too!”
With that, I took my leave from White Hill. I would have liked to stay longer, but carrying everything along all day would probably be difficult. Besides, I was eager to try out the new amp, and there was nothing keeping me at the shelter in the coming ‘paws’. I could always return again soon.
Back to the shelter I went, hopefully to make some frustrated coffee drinkers a little less cranky.
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2024.04.17 06:44 GuiltlessMaple Best BLACKSTONE 36" Griddles
 | submitted by GuiltlessMaple to u/GuiltlessMaple [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/jz4fu3dnyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=121596b3d20a4531dd3ff45de92ba7bc8d4c33e3 Looking to elevate your backyard gatherings or indoor culinary adventures? The BLACKSTONE 36" Griddles are here to save the day! Featuring a sleek and stylish design that blends seamlessly with any surroundings, our roundup covers the best of Blackstone's offerings for all your grilling and cooking needs. Get ready to explore a world of flavor and convenience with the ultimate griddle experience. So, buckle up and dive into our carefully curated selection of the top BLACKSTONE 36" Griddles on the market. Your taste buds will thank you! The Top 18 Best BLACKSTONE 36" Griddles
Reviews🔗Blackstone 36" Built-In Griddle with Dim LED Lights and Stainless Steel Insulator Jackethttps://preview.redd.it/mckt5rdoyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=696d5e4f3e37af011641b16e415a694341d89fc4 I must say, I've been thoroughly enjoying my new Blackstone 36 inch Built-In Griddle (also known as the 6038) in my outdoor kitchen. As someone who loves to cook, I was excited to try out this sleek and stylish flat-top griddle, and it certainly hasn't disappointed. Its design is perfect for any outdoor cooking area - whether it's used as a standalone countertop or tabletop griddle, or as a built-in griddle for professional-looking integration into your backyard gastronomy set-up. The 4 burners offer independent cooking zones, allowing me to whip up an entire breakfast spread (from burgers and steak to eggs and bacon) simultaneously. Another feature that I'm particularly fond of is the dimmable LED lights on the knobs and puddle lighting - these not only look great but also provide additional visibility in low-light scenarios. The front-access rear grease management system is a game-changer - it simplifies the process of disposing of accumulated grease. The stainless steel insulator jacket certainly adds to its robustness and durability, making it suitable for various environments. And best of all, it offers everything you could want from a Blackstone griddle, complete with a reliable electronic ignition. However, there are a couple of points where some improvements could be made. The weight of the griddle itself is quite substantial, which might make assembly challenging for some. Additionally, the cooking surface doesn't seem to heat up evenly, causing certain areas to be hotter than others. Despite these minor concerns, I can confidently affirm that this Blackstone 36 inch Built-In Griddle (6038) stands out when compared to other models in its segment. Its combination of practicality, aesthetics, and performance make it an excellent choice for anyone looking to enhance their outdoor cooking experience. 🔗4-Burner Blackstone Griddle Station with Side Shelveshttps://preview.redd.it/dtkf6pqoyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=24fb7db1acf3ba2625eade7f901f68f90a1e0794 I recently got my hands on the 36" Blackstone Griddle Cooking Station. This large cooker has been a game-changer in my backyard barbecues, feeding the whole family with ease and efficiency. With its four burners, I can cook multiple dishes at different temperatures simultaneously, ensuring that everyone's food is cooked to perfection. The Griddle Cooking Station is well-built and sturdy, making it easy to handle even when loaded with food. Its side shelves provide ample space for utensils and other necessities, and the overall design is both aesthetic and functional. However, I must admit that it can be quite bulky and difficult to move around due to its size and weight. Cleaning and maintaining this griddle is a breeze, thanks to its non-stick surface that ensures no residue sticks on it. I especially love the grease management system at the back, which makes clean-up a quick and mess-free affair. Plus, the fact that it's made of rolled steel instead of cast iron means that it heats up faster and distributes heat more evenly. As for its cons, some users have reported receiving damaged products or inaccurate manuals. In my case, I didn't face such issues, but it's worth noting that these problems might occur occasionally. Overall, if you're looking for a versatile, easy-to-use griddle that can handle large groups, the Blackstone Griddle Cooking Station is an excellent choice. 🔗Blackstone 36" Griddle Station with Shelves and Coverhttps://preview.redd.it/tlbtoeapyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=56e99bef25fd55835693ab25a8699419b5c09e44 I recently decided to upgrade my grilling game with the Blackstone 36" Griddle, and I can say with confidence that I am not disappointed. With its robust 60,000 BTU output, this griddle takes any meal from bland to mouthwatering in no time. It's perfect for cooking breakfast, lunch, or dinner, thanks to its spacious 769 square inch cooking surface and four adjustable heat controls. One of the standout features of the Blackstone 36" Griddle is the built-in ignitor. No more fumbling around with lighter fluid and matches - just turn the knob for instant heat. Another impressive aspect is the rear grease management system, which makes cleaning a breeze. Additionally, the magnetic toolbar and side shelf hooks provide ample space for all your grilling accessories. The foldable side shelves are another great touch, allowing you to maximize your outdoor cooking area without sacrificing convenience. And when you're finished cooking, the four industrial-strength wheels make moving and storing the griddle a cinch. However, there were a few minor hiccups during my initial assembly. The propane hookup seemed to be leaking slightly, but this resolved itself after a couple tries. Similarly, one of the burners didn't appear to be as hot as the others, but this issue also resolved itself over time. Additionally, the paint underneath the griddle plate has started to flake off due to the heat, raising concerns about potential rusting. Despite these minor issues, I am thoroughly impressed with the Blackstone 36" Griddle. It has truly revolutionized my outdoor cooking experience, and I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a versatile and powerful grilling solution. 🔗Stylish Modern Hide a Bed Chair - Aiho Convertible Sleeper Chairhttps://preview.redd.it/sdehg6kpyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bc0b62980e1b583a7497989d1389cfb806bf98bb The first time I used the Blackstone Griddle, it felt like a game-changer in my outdoor cooking arsenal. The griddle's 769 square inches of cooking space was an absolute game-changer, allowing me to cook up to 69 strips of bacon, 47 eggs, or 21 pancakes without breaking a sweat. The four independently controlled cooking zones with 60,000 BTUs made multi-tasking a cinch, and the folding side shelves provided ample space to keep all my tools and ingredients within easy reach. One of the most impressive features of this griddle is its robust construction. The steel frame and sturdy locking wheels ensure that it stays firmly in place during even the most intense cookouts. And when it comes time to clean up, the rear grease management system makes quick work of all the grime. However, there have been a few hiccups along the way. The sticker glue issue mentioned by another reviewer was indeed frustrating, though it didn't take long to scrub off with some elbow grease and a bit of nail polish remover. Additionally, the magnetic toolbar can be a bit finicky at times, sometimes losing its grip on my utensils. All in all, the Blackstone Griddle has been a pleasure to use over the past few months. Its capacity, ease of use, and sturdiness make it a go-to choice for anyone looking to elevate their outdoor cooking game. While there are some minor drawbacks to consider, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this product to my friends and family. 🔗Blackstone 36" Culinary Omnivore Griddle with Side Table 4-Burner Grillhttps://preview.redd.it/35pw3v0qyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5b3d76f36917682c4e9671a0d7cdec38170bafe8 I recently got my hands on the Blackstone 36" Culinary Omnivore Griddle with Side Table, and I must say, it has completely transformed my outdoor cooking experience. This griddle is a game-changer, making outdoor cookouts feel like a professional culinary adventure. The large 768 sq in cooking space with four independently controlled heat zones ensures that you can cook a variety of dishes simultaneously without any issues. Right off the bat, the first thing that struck me was the spacious and well-organized design. The side table provided extra workspace for prep, making it easy to juggle multiple tasks. And the patented rotate and remove hood, along with the rear-grease management system, made cleaning up a breeze. One of the key highlights of this griddle is the Omnivore griddle plate. Its complex construction helps retain heat longer, reducing the amount of propane needed for cooking. The result? Lower fuel consumption and longer cooking times on a single propane tank. Now, let's talk about the not-so-good aspects. While the build quality is commendable, the griddle's size and weight make it a bit bulky to move around. Additionally, some users reported problems with the initial assembly and shipping damages. In conclusion, the Blackstone 36" Culinary Omnivore Griddle with Side Table is a fantastic addition to any outdoor cooking set up. The ease of use, spacious design, and efficient energy consumption make it an excellent choice for a wide variety of culinary enthusiasts. Just be cautious about potential shipping damages and consider assembling it yourself for better longevity. 🔗Blackstone 4-Burner Outdoor Gas Griddle Stationhttps://preview.redd.it/y3vhc0jqyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=43085868ce79a43a61e5bb906d1759e13ea9b3cf As a first-time user of the Blackstone 36 inch Outdoor Flat Top Gas Griddle Station, I was blown away by its performance and quality. The unit comes with a spacious 768-square-inch cooking surface, which can easily handle large family meals. It's incredibly versatile; I've cooked everything from pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches to fajitas and hibachi steak, and everything has turned out perfectly. The removable cutting board and built-in garbage bag holder have been game-changers when it comes to cleanup. I'm also a big fan of the rear grease management system, as it eliminates the need for constant cleaning during a cookout. All in all, this is a well-thought-out design that streamlines the cooking process. One thing that impressed me was how quickly the griddle heats up. With four independent burners, I can easily control the heat across each cooking zone, ensuring everything cooks evenly. The side shelves and spacious storage cabinet provide ample space for storing utensils and cookware, making the griddle incredibly convenient to use. However, not everything has been perfect. A few customers have reported issues with the paint or powder coating coming off. I haven't personally experienced this, but it's worth keeping an eye on. Additionally, some users have struggled with customer support, so that's something to keep in mind when purchasing the product. Overall, I highly recommend the Blackstone 36 inch Flat Top Gas Griddle Station. It's an excellent investment that will enhance your outdoor cooking experience. With its spacious cooking surface, well-designed features, and convenience, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it! 🔗Blackstone 36" 4-Burner Gas Griddle Outdoor Cooking Stationhttps://preview.redd.it/i9wklmvqyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0aceaf095492bf716a5501860508f5c2119dee3 I've been using the Blackstone 36" Propane Gas Griddle Cooking Station for a while now, and it's truly transformed my outdoor cooking experience! From scorching burgers with its 60,000 BTUs to flipping pancakes for breakfast, I can cook anything, anytime, anywhere on this griddle. The 4 independent heat controls and roomy 720 square inch cooktop make it suitable for both intimate gatherings and large parties. One of my favorite features is the new rear grease management system. It ensures non-stress cooking and easy cleanup, so I can enjoy the meal just as much as my guests. Plus, its stylish black design and sturdy steel construction make it a visually appealing addition to any patio area. Another thing I love about this griddle is how versatile and portable it is. The foldable legs and wheels allow me to move it around easily, and it can even be converted into a tabletop grill with the addition of an optional stand. And speaking of optional attachments, there's a whole range of accessories available to enhance your Blackstone experience, from pizza stones to rotisserie kits. However, I must mention that some users have reported issues with rust and paint damage, particularly on the frame. It's worth noting that proper maintenance and seasoning can help prolong the lifespan of your griddle, so be sure to follow the manufacturer's instructions carefully. Overall, I highly recommend the Blackstone 36" Propane Gas Griddle Cooking Station for anyone looking to elevate their outdoor cooking game. With its impressive heat distribution, easy-to-clean design, and versatile cooking options, this griddle is sure to become a staple in your backyard entertainment lineup. 🔗Blackstone 36" Griddle Station w/Hood - 2102https://preview.redd.it/ofrqsdhryyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=78aecd0d82ee2c8cf8db266a6a04eb77cf3aeb69 As an avid outdoor cook, I recently got my hands on the Blackstone - Patio 36" Cart Griddle W/Hood - 2102. This stylish griddle has completely transformed my backyard grilling experience. The 769 square inches of cooking space has been more than enough for my family's needs, and the four independently controlled cooking zones with a total of 60,000 BTUs ensure that everything cooks to perfection. I particularly love the cart-style design with its dual side shelves. It's incredibly easy to store my grilling tools on the magnetic tool holder, and the side shelves provide ample space for plates, condiments, and anything else I might need while cooking. The PATIO styled hood not only looks great but also helps to retain heat and smoke, enhancing the flavors of my dishes. One of the standout features of this griddle is its patented rear grease management system. Cleanup is a breeze - just scrape off any excess food with the provided tool and empty the grease catch pan. It's a game-changer for those who love to cook but hate the mess that often comes with it. However, there are a few cons to consider. Some users have reported issues with low-quality build materials that lead to rusting, particularly in humid environments. Additionally, some customers have noted inconsistencies in the seasoning process and assembly requirements. Lastly, there have been reports of poor customer service from Blackstone. Overall, the Blackstone - Patio 36" Cart Griddle W/Hood - 2102 has been an excellent addition to my outdoor cooking setup. Its spacious and efficient design, combined with its easy cleanup, make it a must-have for anyone who loves to grill. While there are some minor drawbacks to consider, the benefits far outweigh any negatives. 🔗Blackstone Original 36" Griddle Grill Station with 60,000 BTUshttps://preview.redd.it/p4rb5fyryyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=26e0d49e41e15e62b2fc670acdacde0494d8b0ba For those looking to elevate their outdoor cooking game, the Blackstone 36 inch Griddle Grill Station is the perfect addition to any backyard. This grill boasts four individually controlled burners that can generate up to 60,000 BTUs of heat for sizzling steaks and perfectly grilled burgers. The large 36 inch cooking surface and four burners make it easy to whip up a feast for even the largest gatherings. One of my favorite features of this grill is its portability, thanks to its four caster wheels. It's easy to move the grill around the backyard or to different locations, making it a versatile option for various events. Plus, the electric igniting system ensures quick and easy start-ups, so you can get grilling in no time. The Blackstone Griddle Grill Station also offers numerous benefits over traditional barbecues. The even distribution of heat, combined with the large cooking surface, provides consistent results and allows for the preparation of multiple dishes at once. This is perfect for my family, who enjoy a variety of grilled favorites. However, there are a couple of things to consider. The grill takes some time to assemble, which may be a challenge for those without much experience. Additionally, the grease management system, while convenient, can occasionally become clogged if not cleaned regularly. Nevertheless, these minor inconveniences are outweighed by the overall performance and enjoyment this grill provides. In summary, the Blackstone 36 inch Griddle Grill Station is an excellent choice for anyone who wants to bring restaurant-quality grilling to their backyard. Its powerful burners, large cooking surface, and portability make it a versatile and practical addition to any outdoor cooking setup. 🔗Blackstone 36" 4-Burner Griddle Station with Rear Grease Managementhttps://preview.redd.it/cn0vevfsyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d03e1bd9304914ec93ce5fa9b48a53538c0aefdc I've been a huge fan of this Blackstone 36 4 Burner Griddle ever since I got it for my backyard cookouts. The features that really stand out to me are the sleek stainless steel front panel, which adds a nice touch of modern aesthetics, and the rear grease management system. This system makes cooking anything from breakfast to dinner a breeze, without having to stress about grease buildup. Additionally, the cold rolled 7 ga steel griddle top is not only incredibly durable but also easy to clean. However, there are a couple of downsides to this product. Firstly, the assembly process can be a bit time-consuming, which might be frustrating for some users. Secondly, while the griddle is large enough to cook for a crowd, it does take up considerable space in my backyard. Overall, the Blackstone 36 4 Burner Griddle has been a game-changer for my outdoor cooking adventures. Its versatility and ease of use have made it a staple in my backyard. While there are some minor drawbacks, the pros far outweigh the cons, making this griddle a worthwhile investment for any home cook or outdoor enthusiast. 🔗Blackstone 36" Griddle-Grill Combo for Tailgating and Campinghttps://preview.redd.it/f6g15gusyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4073bb1062a29e51d55282043853fa7fe998c742 The Blackstone Tailgater Grill/Griddle has been a game-changer for my outdoor cooking game. This two-in-one griddle-grill-combo offers the perfect blend of versatility and convenience. With its two independently controlled cooking zones, I can flip between grilling up burgers and sizzling up pancakes, bringing together the best of both worlds in a single appliance. One of the standout features of this griddle is its portable design. The scissor-style roll and go folding legs make it incredibly easy to pack up and transport, perfect for tailgating, camping, or simply enjoying some backyard grilling. The sturdy side shelf provides extra space for prep work and seasoning. The cooking performance of the griddle is top-notch, delivering consistent heat and even cooking across both the griddle and grill surfaces. The included grill grates are removable, allowing me to swap them out with different cooking surfaces based on my culinary needs. However, no product is perfect, and I did experience a couple of minor drawbacks with the Blackstone Tailgater. Firstly, the locking mechanism on the cart can be a bit finicky, making it slightly difficult to secure the griddle during transport. Secondly, I find the lack of a temperature gauge a bit inconvenient, requiring me to guess the heat levels based on my cooking experience. Overall, I'm incredibly satisfied with the performance and versatility of the Blackstone Tailgater Grill/Griddle. Its combination of a griddle and grill in one compact and portable package makes it a must-have for any outdoor cooking enthusiast. Buyer's GuideBlackstone 36" griddles are a popular choice for outdoor cookouts, tailgating, and backyard gatherings. They offer a large cooking surface and are versatile enough to handle a variety of foods. Before making a purchase, consider the following features and considerations to ensure you choose the right one for your needs.Features to Look Forhttps://preview.redd.it/vbpjwxywyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2536b7c8bcf0b3afa688c12b2d1904357821d921
Considerations
General Advice
https://preview.redd.it/an7u8gbxyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bd56c43584d846020d5c6305cdc159c07c871d90 ConclusionBy considering the featured points and provided advice, you'll be well-equipped to make an informed decision when choosing a Blackstone 36" griddle. Investing in a high-quality griddle will provide years of delicious outdoor meals and memorable gatherings with family and friends.FAQWhat are the main features of Blackstone 36" Griddles?https://preview.redd.it/77ilye0yyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=705d09e7d6c834fe1d2994e028e9625121ff495b The Blackstone 36" Griddle is a high-quality outdoor cooker that offers a large cooking surface, versatile cooking options, and an easy-to-use design. Key features include a 720 square inch cooking surface, four independently controlled burners, a battery-powered push-button ignition system, and a built-in grease management system. How many burners does the Blackstone 36" Griddle have?The Blackstone 36" Griddle features four independently controlled burners, allowing you to cook different foods at various temperatures simultaneously.What is the cooking surface size of the Blackstone 36" Griddle?The Blackstone 36" Griddle offers a 720 square inch cooking surface, which is large enough to cook a variety of foods for family and friends at once. https://preview.redd.it/z5hgvd9yyyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=780edd3a8bffa5b5a7be4be4357327342bbb08c3 What type of ignition system does the Blackstone 36" Griddle use?The Blackstone 36" Griddle uses a battery-powered push-button ignition system for easy lighting and quick cooking.Does the Blackstone 36" Griddle have a grease management system?Yes, the Blackstone 36" Griddle comes equipped with a built-in grease management system to help keep your griddle clean and easy to maintain.Is the Blackstone 36" Griddle easy to assemble?The Blackstone 36" Griddle is designed for easy assembly and should take the average user less than an hour to set up.What is the warranty on the Blackstone 36" Griddle?The Blackstone 36" Griddle comes with a 90-day limited warranty, covering any defects in material or workmanship.How do you clean the Blackstone 36" Griddle?To clean the Blackstone 36" Griddle, allow the griddle plate to cool down and then use a griddle scraper to remove any excess food residue. Next, clean the cooking surface with a paper towel soaked in water or a mild detergent. Finally, apply a thin layer of cooking oil to protect the griddle surface.Are there any other products in the Blackstone 36" Griddle series?Yes, the Blackstone 36" Griddle series also includes the Blackstone 36" Griddle Gas Grill Combo, which combines the Griddle with a grill, offering even more cooking versatility.How can I find a Blackstone 36" Griddle for purchase?You can find the Blackstone 36" Griddle for purchase at various online retailers, as well as in-store at participating home improvement stores and outdoor supply stores.As an Amazon™ Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. |
2024.04.17 06:16 GhoulGriin Best Blackstone Grills
 | submitted by GhoulGriin to u/GhoulGriin [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/nzcp8ztktyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=891523e9528b6752684f3d2e286b6ec0eda1b0d3 Whether you're a grill enthusiast or a beginner, choosing the right grill can make all the difference in your culinary experience. That's where Blackstone Grills come in. In this article, we'll round up some of the most popular models, discuss their features, and help you find the perfect grill to enhance your backyard barbecues. So sit back, relax, and get ready to dive into the world of Blackstone Grills! The Top 17 Best Blackstone Grills
Reviews🔗Blackstone 4-Burner Outdoor Gas Griddle Stationhttps://preview.redd.it/415r2cqltyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=744c7fc46f48cc19923be48847e51d5465c8d9ab As a first-time user of the Blackstone 36 inch Outdoor Flat Top Gas Griddle Station, I was blown away by its performance and quality. The unit comes with a spacious 768-square-inch cooking surface, which can easily handle large family meals. It's incredibly versatile; I've cooked everything from pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches to fajitas and hibachi steak, and everything has turned out perfectly. The removable cutting board and built-in garbage bag holder have been game-changers when it comes to cleanup. I'm also a big fan of the rear grease management system, as it eliminates the need for constant cleaning during a cookout. All in all, this is a well-thought-out design that streamlines the cooking process. One thing that impressed me was how quickly the griddle heats up. With four independent burners, I can easily control the heat across each cooking zone, ensuring everything cooks evenly. The side shelves and spacious storage cabinet provide ample space for storing utensils and cookware, making the griddle incredibly convenient to use. However, not everything has been perfect. A few customers have reported issues with the paint or powder coating coming off. I haven't personally experienced this, but it's worth keeping an eye on. Additionally, some users have struggled with customer support, so that's something to keep in mind when purchasing the product. Overall, I highly recommend the Blackstone 36 inch Flat Top Gas Griddle Station. It's an excellent investment that will enhance your outdoor cooking experience. With its spacious cooking surface, well-designed features, and convenience, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it! 🔗Blackstone 36" 4-Burner Gas Griddle Outdoor Cooking Stationhttps://preview.redd.it/8qewuy6mtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2954cf7e9aa2a7399884fe33c030800d22efca69 I've been using the Blackstone 36" Propane Gas Griddle Cooking Station for a while now, and it's truly transformed my outdoor cooking experience! From scorching burgers with its 60,000 BTUs to flipping pancakes for breakfast, I can cook anything, anytime, anywhere on this griddle. The 4 independent heat controls and roomy 720 square inch cooktop make it suitable for both intimate gatherings and large parties. One of my favorite features is the new rear grease management system. It ensures non-stress cooking and easy cleanup, so I can enjoy the meal just as much as my guests. Plus, its stylish black design and sturdy steel construction make it a visually appealing addition to any patio area. Another thing I love about this griddle is how versatile and portable it is. The foldable legs and wheels allow me to move it around easily, and it can even be converted into a tabletop grill with the addition of an optional stand. And speaking of optional attachments, there's a whole range of accessories available to enhance your Blackstone experience, from pizza stones to rotisserie kits. However, I must mention that some users have reported issues with rust and paint damage, particularly on the frame. It's worth noting that proper maintenance and seasoning can help prolong the lifespan of your griddle, so be sure to follow the manufacturer's instructions carefully. Overall, I highly recommend the Blackstone 36" Propane Gas Griddle Cooking Station for anyone looking to elevate their outdoor cooking game. With its impressive heat distribution, easy-to-clean design, and versatile cooking options, this griddle is sure to become a staple in your backyard entertainment lineup. 🔗Blackstone 36" Griddle-Grill Combo for Tailgating and Campinghttps://preview.redd.it/l4c6jvomtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=905caba4ccb7950b0c3de73c45d4c813386122b3 The Blackstone Tailgater Grill/Griddle has been a game-changer for my outdoor cooking game. This two-in-one griddle-grill-combo offers the perfect blend of versatility and convenience. With its two independently controlled cooking zones, I can flip between grilling up burgers and sizzling up pancakes, bringing together the best of both worlds in a single appliance. One of the standout features of this griddle is its portable design. The scissor-style roll and go folding legs make it incredibly easy to pack up and transport, perfect for tailgating, camping, or simply enjoying some backyard grilling. The sturdy side shelf provides extra space for prep work and seasoning. The cooking performance of the griddle is top-notch, delivering consistent heat and even cooking across both the griddle and grill surfaces. The included grill grates are removable, allowing me to swap them out with different cooking surfaces based on my culinary needs. However, no product is perfect, and I did experience a couple of minor drawbacks with the Blackstone Tailgater. Firstly, the locking mechanism on the cart can be a bit finicky, making it slightly difficult to secure the griddle during transport. Secondly, I find the lack of a temperature gauge a bit inconvenient, requiring me to guess the heat levels based on my cooking experience. Overall, I'm incredibly satisfied with the performance and versatility of the Blackstone Tailgater Grill/Griddle. Its combination of a griddle and grill in one compact and portable package makes it a must-have for any outdoor cooking enthusiast. 🔗Blackstone 36" Propane Griddle with Cabinets & Air Fryerhttps://preview.redd.it/hefc566ntyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0268c62877f58d4d080970495352bebd529b4493 I recently got the chance to try out the Blackstone Patio 36-in Griddle and it's been a game-changer for my outdoor cooking. The first thing that struck me was how easy it was to assemble. Even though it's a large griddle, the instructions were straightforward and I had it up and running in no time. The griddle offers a huge cooktop surface, allowing me to cook multiple dishes simultaneously. I've used it to grill burgers, sauté vegetables, and flipping pancakes with ease. The dual air fryer drawers are a brilliant addition. They've made frying healthier and more convenient. I've been able to cook crispy fries, chicken wings, and more without worrying about excess oil. Plus, the warming drawer ensures that my food stays hot and ready to serve. Another great feature is the convenient storage design. The cabinet space is perfect for storing my tools and accessories, making my outdoor cooking experience more organized and enjoyable. The build quality is exceptional, making it a reliable choice for outdoor cooking. However, one thing that could be improved is the heating speed. It takes a few minutes to heat up, which can be slightly inconvenient when you're hungry and want to start cooking immediately. Additionally, the temperature regulation could be more precise. Sometimes it's hard to get the griddle to maintain a consistent temperature. Despite these minor cons, the Blackstone Patio 36-in Griddle has been a valuable addition to my outdoor cooking arsenal. It's perfect for hosting barbecues and cookouts, and I've been able to create some amazing dishes on it. I would highly recommend this griddle to anyone looking to upgrade their outdoor cooking game. 🔗4-Burner Outdoor Griddle Stationhttps://preview.redd.it/w5mgl8nntyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=74616ad62689b069f96a436ca4d9fcd9938b80e9 I recently got a chance to use the Blackstone 4 Burner Liquid Propane Outdoor Griddle, and I have to say, it's a game changer for my backyard barbecues. This griddle is large enough to cook for a crowd, yet compact enough to store easily. The four independent burners give you precise temperature control, making it perfect for cooking a variety of foods to perfection all at once. The built-in paper towel holder and garbage bag holder are real lifesavers, keeping my cooking station clean and organized. It's also really easy to move around with its industrial strength locking wheels, making it perfect for setting up in different spots in my yard. One thing to note though, is that it can be a bit heavy to maneuver, especially when it's fully assembled. However, once you have it in place, the locking casters keep it secure and stable. Another small issue is that the griddle grate can be a bit tricky to clean, but with a good grill brush and some elbow grease, it gets the job done. Overall, I love this Blackstone griddle. It's not only a great addition to my outdoor cooking arsenal, but it also adds a touch of professionalism and style to my backyard barbecues. Highly recommend! 🔗Blackstone 2-Burner Griddle with Electric Air Fryer and Hoodhttps://preview.redd.it/trsrpd1otyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=11ca9ef76b3519bf124c1525f30f2089e0d5c2b1 I recently got the chance to use the Blackstone 2-Burner 28-inch Griddle with Electric Air Fryer and Hood, and I must say it was a game-changer in my culinary adventures. This baby not only allows you to sear, roast, sauté and air fry, but it also offers a large enough cooking surface for whipping up meals for big groups. The side shelves and magnetic strip came in handy during the preparation process, while the hood retained heat and reduced splattering, making cleanup a breeze. What stood out most to me was the patented rear grease management system, which controlled the mess quite effectively. Additionally, this griddle is powered by both propane and electricity, ensuring convenience and versatility in cooking. However, assembly did take some time, and the griddle is not the sturdiest when it comes to windy conditions, making grilling a little difficult at times. Overall, the Blackstone 1962 Griddle has been an excellent companion in my kitchen, helping me whip up delectable meals with ease. While it may not be perfect, the pros outweigh the cons, and I can confidently say that it's worth the investment. So why not give this griddle a try and elevate your culinary skills to the next level? 🔗Blackstone 28'' Gas Griddle with Side Shelf and Cutting Boardhttps://preview.redd.it/tuc8z4hotyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ba838d024eee3010b7de7a1801e3fc8f22acf3ec As a grill enthusiast, I must say that the Blackstone 1853 28' Griddle has made a significant impact on the way I cook. This powerhouse boasts 34,000 BTUs, providing ample heat to cook up to 44 hot dogs simultaneously! The industrial-grade materials used in its construction are not only durable but also promote optimal heat distribution. One feature that truly sets this griddle apart is its patented rear grease management system. It ensures that no-mess cooking is achievable and cleanup becomes a breeze. Furthermore, the inclusion of a side shelf with an integrated cutting board and a garbage bag holder adds to the overall convenience offered by this product. The electronic start ignition ensures hassle-free ignition, allowing me to focus my efforts on cooking delicious meals. Additionally, the cook-up pizza capability ensures that even when I'm in the mood for something unique, I can still indulge myself without needing another appliance. However, there have been some minor drawbacks during my usage of this griddle. For instance, the lack of adjustable heating zones can be limiting at times, as it doesn't allow for varying heat requirements for multiple dishes being cooked simultaneously. Additionally, the assembly process can be somewhat challenging due to its complex nature. In conclusion, the Blackstone 2 Burner 28'' Gas Griddle is an excellent addition to any outdoor cooking setup. Its impressive cooking surface, robust construction, and innovative features make it worth considering for those who love spending time grilling up delicious meals. 🔗Blackstone 28in Griddle with Hood and Front Shelf - 2086https://preview.redd.it/n0u16huotyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=48220a23a66af19216d83f5d38bf9bc213ff52d7 I recently got my hands on the Blackstone 28" Griddle with Hood, and I must say, it's been a game-changer in my outdoor cooking game. The spacious 524 square inches of cooking space is perfect for whipping up a feast, while the 34,000 BTUs of power ensures everything cooks to perfection. What I love most about this griddle is its two independently controlled cooking zones. This allows me to adjust the heat based on what I'm cooking, whether it's searing a steak or sautéing vegetables. Plus, with precise temperature control, it's easy to get restaurant-quality results right in my backyard. The front shelf is another standout feature. It's incredibly convenient for storing spices, tools, and ingredients while I cook, making the whole process smoother and more enjoyable. And cleanup has never been easier with this griddle, thanks to its non-stick surface and removable griddle top. However, there's one downside – the hood. While it's useful for protecting the griddle from the elements, it could be a bit sturdier. But overall, the Blackstone 28" Griddle with Hood has made outdoor cooking an absolute delight! 🔗28-inch Blackstone Griddle with Hood for Pro-Grill Performancehttps://preview.redd.it/qom6o5dptyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=80e60dd0bcca2ebb5899328de1b2cc9143caec0f I recently tried out the Blackstone Griddle with Hood, and I must say, it's become a staple in my outdoor cooking routine. The 34,000 BTUs of searing heat let me cook a variety of meals effortlessly, making it perfect for family gatherings or intimate dinners. One feature that really stood out was the two independent cooking zones. They allowed me to cook multiple dishes at once without worrying about flavors mixing or one dish being overcooked. Plus, the hood doubles as a protective cover and basting dome, ensuring my griddle stays in good condition and food cooks evenly. Although I appreciated the griddle's ease of use, I found it a tad challenging to assemble on my own. However, once assembled, I was pleasantly surprised by how simple it was to clean. An extra pro is the availability of helpful YouTube videos from Blackstone, which really enhance the cooking experience. In summary, the Blackstone Griddle with Hood has quickly become my favorite outdoor cooking appliance due to its searing power, dual cooking zones, and versatile hood. While I encountered some minor difficulties during assembly, the ease of use and cleaning far outweigh the negatives. If you're looking for a reliable and efficient griddle, this one definitely deserves your consideration. 🔗Blackstone 2-Burner Griddle with Air Fryer and Hoodhttps://preview.redd.it/si8gct6qtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=64be137f408d3fddba483d1e3f992f8f98ea3f5a The Blackstone 2-Burner 28" Griddle with Air Fryer Combo is a versatile outdoor cooking station that combines the ease of air frying with the joy of griddling. With its 524 square inches of cooking space, this griddle comfortably accommodates meals for large gatherings. The 2-Burner design offers precise heat control, while the 13,000 BTU air fryer allows you to whip up your favorite fried foods without the guilt. I've been using this product for a couple of months, and it's been a game-changer for my backyard cookouts. Its size makes it perfect for cooking for a crowd, which comes in handy when hosting barbecues and family gatherings. The dual cooking zones ensure even heat distribution, allowing me to cook various dishes simultaneously without worrying about overcooking or undercooking. However, there are some cons to consider. Assembly could be a bit challenging, especially for those who are not particularly handy. The lack of clear instructions may cause some confusion during setup. Additionally, the air fryer's temperature settings are not labeled on the control knob, requiring trial and error to determine the right setting for different foods. In conclusion, the Blackstone 2-Burner 28" Griddle with Air Fryer Combo provides a convenient and enjoyable outdoor cooking experience. Its numerous features cater to a wide variety of cooking styles, making it an excellent addition to any backyard chef's toolkit. Although assembly might require some patience and the air fryer could use better temperature control options, the pros far outweigh these cons. Give this griddle a try, and you'll be hosting cookouts with mouth-watering dishes in no time. 🔗Blackstone Griddle Pavilion Grill Gazebohttps://preview.redd.it/2ykuymlqtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=27d93d5a24a6d1f5440b7b0cfe00e406ec49c8e2 Elevating my outdoor living space to a whole new level, the Blackstone Pavilion Grill Gazebo has been an incredible addition to my backyard. With its sturdy heat transfer wood grain, I can now enjoy barbecues any time of the year without worrying about the weather. The highlights of this product include its aluminum and galvanized steel construction, which ensures durability and longevity. It's perfect for both grilling and dining, with a bar-height surface that fits everyone comfortably. Plus, the expansion bolts make attaching the pavilion to decks or slabs seamless and secure. 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But be aware that there might be some minor quality issues and that it's on the heavier side, despite its folding stand. 🔗Blackstone 22" Adventure Ready Propane Griddlehttps://preview.redd.it/4mh57ihrtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=fb13630f52adf961b85b576ef616b54118116dbb As an avid outdoor enthusiast, I was thrilled to try out the Blackstone 22 inch Adventure Ready propane griddle. Right away, I appreciated its sleek black color and convenient hardcover that helped keep the griddle clean after use. The two independent cooking zones and powerful 24,000 BTUs allowed me to whip up meals for my family with ease, even when we were camping or tailgating. The stainless-steel H-style burners ensured even heating across the cooking surface, making sure every dish was cooked to perfection. One minor drawback was the slight difficulty in assembling the griddle, but once it was set up, it became a staple in my outdoor cooking arsenal. 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Portability is also a significant factor, especially if you plan to use your grill at different locations or during camping trips. https://preview.redd.it/9q96tu2utyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8b4145695f34a03c62819a035b356e723e833e21 Number of BurnersThe number of burners on your Blackstone grill will determine how much control you have over the cooking process. While a single-burner model offers basic cooking capabilities, a multi-burner model can help you create more sophisticated meals by allowing you to use multiple heat zones. Determine how many burners you'll need based on your cooking preferences and intended use.Cooking Surface & DurabilityOne of the critical aspects of a Blackstone grill is its cooking surface. These grills are designed with a variety of surface types, including flat-top grills and classic griddle surfaces. Flat-top grills are ideal for pancakes and eggs, while griddle surfaces are excellent for burgers and steaks. 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A comprehensive warranty and access to responsive customer support can help provide peace of mind and protection if issues arise with your grill. https://preview.redd.it/yv74d54vtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b25e6a91da11b8f455f55dcb1b5603b64fd6c3c4 FAQWhat types of Blackstone Grills are available?Blackstone offers a range of grills, including the popular 1554 28 inch griddle, the 1557 36 inch griddle, and the 1597 4-burner griddle. There are also models with different numbers of burners and features to suit various cooking needs.How do Blackstone Grills differ from traditional grills?Blackstone Grills are designed to be more versatile than traditional grills. They utilize a flat surface griddle, allowing you to cook a variety of foods, including pancakes, eggs, bacon, and more. This makes them perfect for outdoor cooking, tailgating, and even indoor use as a stove replacement. https://preview.redd.it/blwb7lmvtyuc1.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a899e0b43ed91f56824399c69d1f5c688bf91577 How easy is it to clean Blackstone Grills?Cleaning Blackstone Grills is quite easy, as the flat surface allows for quick scraping and wiping. The company also offers a non-stick griddle seasoning spray to help keep the surface free of debris and residue between uses.Do Blackstone Grills have a warranty?Yes, Blackstone Grills come with a 1-year warranty that covers defects in material and workmanship. In some cases, customers may be able to extend the warranty by purchasing additional protection plans.What fuel type does Blackstone Grills use?
How long does it take for Blackstone Grills to heat up?Heating times vary depending on the model, but most Blackstone Grills can reach cooking temperatures within minutes. Generally, it should take approximately 10-15 minutes for the griddle to heat up to its maximum temperature.Can I cook vegetables and other non-grilled items on Blackstone Grills?Yes, you can cook various foods on Blackstone Grills, including vegetables, bacon, eggs, pancakes, and more. The versatile design allows you to cook a wide range of dishes that go beyond traditional grilling favorites.How much propane does a Blackstone Grill typically consume?Propane consumption will vary based on the model and how often it's used. On average, a Blackstone Grill can utilize a standard 20-pound propane tank for several cooking sessions, depending on factors such as temperature and cook time.Are there any accessories available for Blackstone Grills?Yes, Blackstone offers a variety of accessories to enhance your grilling experience, such as protective covers, griddle scrapers, and cooking utensils designed specifically for use with their grills. Some accessories are even tailored to specific models, like the 36 inch griddle's side shelves and insulated cover.How can I ensure the longevity of my Blackstone Grill?To maintain the quality and performance of your Blackstone Grill, it's essential to clean it regularly, store it properly when not in use, and utilize the appropriate seasoning and maintenance techniques. Following these best practices can help extend the lifespan of your grill and keep it in optimal condition for years to come.As an Amazon™ Associate, we earn from qualifying |
2024.03.16 21:52 Cirkusleader Deep Dive Thoughts on FF7 Rebirth (Spoilers)
Hey all
So, I just finished FF7 Rebirth and wanted to kinda talk about it.
Bit of background, I’ve never been the biggest FF guy. I adored the original 7 back when I was a wee lad, but then didn't play another until 13 came out which I only played like half of. Tried 15 and didn’t like it, but then I loved 16.
So when 7 Remake came out I was STOKED. I loved the original (even though it's been decades since I played it) so I felt a desperate need to give Remake a try, and I personally think Remake - for what it is anyway - is just as good as its equivalent sections of the original. So do I feel the same with Rebirth?
Yeeeeeess? I think? Rebirth is weird because it’s the middle chunk of the original game, which is kinda the part I remember the least. A lot of this game was me going “Oh YEAH! I remember this now!” or me going “Was this in the original? I feel like I’d remember something this cool.” That said I do have some issues with this game - more so than Remake. Don’t get me wrong I still think it’s fantastic. GOTY material for me, even. But it has some pretty glaring issues too. So I kinda want to go over what worked, and what didn’t.
And obviously spoilers for the FF7 "series" in general.
What Didn’t Work
Chadley - I wasn’t one of the people who hated him in Remake. He was fine. But for whatever reason they just made him into a gargantuan asshole in this game, and he has more lines of dialogue than fucking Cloud does. It’s a small problem but I kinda hate him now, when I didn’t before.
MAI supremacy.
Murder is baaaaad (in cutscenes) - Now this isn’t an issue exclusive to this game. Lots of games have this problem. But it always irks me when gameplay consists of protagonist-man cutting through 7 trillion people at any given time, but then when they kill someone in a cutscene, suddenly it becomes a moral quandary. This happens three times in this game. Cloud kills Shinra soldiers in 2 cutscenes, and tries to kill Elena, and in THOSE scenes suddenly everyone’s like “Aaaah! Cloud’s a MOOONSTEEER! STAAAAHP!'' Meanwhile, literally 30 seconds prior he was decapitating soldiers by the dozens WITH everyone else’s help and nobody batted an eye. It’s nowhere near as big of a perpetrator of this as say, the Yakuza series where Kiryu will shoot someone with a pistol into a woodchipper in combat, but then the game will tell you he's never killed someone before once a cutscene starts, but it does bug me a lot when games do this.
The Combat - the combat in this game is a very mixed bag. Some characters are fun to play (Tifa especially) but a lot are just not fun at all. Cait could be fun if he didn’t have the HP and defense of a piece of drywall, Red is fun except for his gimmick, and Barret and Aerith are just… bleh. Then again, those two felt the same in Remake. But my biggest problem is with uh… stagger? Why the fuck did they call the enemy stun state stagger? It makes this so much harder to talk about. I do NOT mean “stagger” as in the enemy stunned state. I mean enemies hitting you. A lot of the time combat will turn into your character being bounced around or staggered over and over and over again for like 30 seconds and it really kills the pacing. It makes a lot of encounters thoroughly annoying - but not necessarily difficult. I think across the whole game I had to use a Phoenix Down twice, both times on Cait, but the fact that your characters don’t have some kind of poise or hyper armor is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Couple this with some enemies who just get to decide when you can hit them (enemies underground, enemies that seem to have some kind of auto-dodge, enemies that randomly become totally immune to damage, etc), and enemies that have what I call “pivot attacks” (doing a divebomb where they can spin 180 degrees while in mid-air to track your dodges at which point I learned the dodge button was basically useless), and a lot of encounters turn into a chore.
I think overall I enjoy the combat, especially when I’m playing Tifa, but there’s enough issues that sometimes I just stop enjoying myself.
The Removal of Party Members - I generally hate when games do this without a good narrative reason. For example, the Golden Saucer date. It makes sense for Cloud to not have the full party and just be hanging out with Tifa. And even in Remake there were a lot of times where it made sense narratively to lose party members. I mean, Cloud falling from the plate down into the church… yeah. I don’t expect Tifa and Barret to be there with him since they didn't fall.
But a lot of the time here the game likes to arbitrarily limit your party to one or two members, seemingly chosen haphazardly. For example, the “Trial” at Cosmo Canyon. This isn't some relationship building moment for Red and Barret. You could replace Barret with literally any other character and the end result is the same. So why the fuck can’t I use my chosen party? My big issue here is that some characters aren’t available right away, so I want to spend as much time with these new characters as I can, but a lot of the time these characters get yanked away from me for basically no reason. It’s made worse by the fact that limiting the party means I have to use characters who aren’t fun to play. In the previous example, Red is fine - I hate his gimmick but he’s fine - but Barret is REALLY not fun to play. So my options are either playing a character who isn’t fun, but isn’t NOT fun, and a character who is straight up not fun. I’d rather just play a fun character. Plus once the trial ends the rest of the party literally just APPEAR at the end of the dungeon as though they were there all along. And this happens more than once.
Gongaga - Look, this area of the story is REALLY good narratively but FUCK traversing this hellhole. I’ll get more into the open world later (and how I actually liked it) but Gongaga is the exception. Actually fuck this place.
Can’t Stop Won’t Stop - This might be one of the worst quests I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing in any game ever. It’s not fun. It’s not challenging. It’s just fucking annoying, cheap, and I refuse to let them waste my time with this complete and utter bullshit. I genuinely hate this quest, and I wish the worst upon whomever made it. I hope they get the fucking Yelnats curse.
The Friendship System - So I kinda hate the friendship system in this game. Certain events are locked behind it similar to the original game, but the problem here is that it’s not tied to actual choices. In FF7 Remake, your events are effectively determined between Option A or B choices. A gains favor with character A, B with character B, and the original worked similarly. But here it’s determined by three things, combat, side quests, and discussions. In order to get the events you want, you’re encouraged to only use preferred party members, skip side quests, and generally be a dick to the other characters, for worry that you may end up on a date with Red or something. And I kinda really wish they didn’t do this.
The Turks - So my thoughts on the Turks are weird, because the Crisis Core Remake and the base game Remake kinda made me like them because yeah, they’re the bad guys, but they never felt like they were pure evil. They had layers, depth, nuance. But now they do feel like JUST the bad guys. It feels like any nuance or depth was removed from them just to make them into the one-note evil underling characters with single-tone personalities and are unabashedly evil. It’s especially bad with Tseng. In Remake he felt like he kinda always had a level of nobility to him. Now he’s just kind of Rufus’s puppet with no thoughts or actions of his own. And it makes even less sense with Reno, where in Remake he was clearly against a lot of what he had to do, especially after the fact, and so him coming back at the end of the game and just immediately falling in line with Rufus being a warmongering douche canoe trying to start Armageddon felt super counter to his character at the end of Remake.
Chapter 13 - So I think that generally this game is pretty good with its narrative and combat balance all things considered. Like yeah I complained earlier about some of the BS combat mechanics but most of the time it’s fine. Chapter 13 is sort of the exception. It’s super long, the combat encounters mostly suck (especially the Aerith, Yuffie, and Red side), the narrative gets weird, and there’s a lot of just… unnecessary scenes. Like the trials are presented as these super narratively important scenes, but we had already either seen them before, or don’t accurately convey any kind of important reason for us to be seeing them. Like Red’s was just him getting his XIII burned on. Okay? Cool I guess? And we’ve seen Tifa, Yuffie, and Aerith’s scenes before. The only one that feels worthwhile is Barrets, but it’s not well presented at all so it falls flat. It’s really a shame because it’s the penultimate chapter and it basically ends with an annoying dungeon, with annoying combat, low narrative points, and us kicking the Turks asses for the 40th time. It feels like it’s trying to juggle so much all at once and kinda fumbles all of it right at the end. Granted, I do understand that based on the nature of this being the middle chunk of FF7’s story, it’s hard to really make a tonally and narratively satisfying conclusion since we’re like… in the middle.
But now it’s time for the big guns that’ll make people hunt me down and kill me.
Sephiroth and Cloud - So here’s the thing, I’ve never thought Sephiroth was all that great of a villain. I think he’s got a cool design, a theme that has no right to be as cool as it is, and a scene that has gone down in history, but I think him as a character is very flat. Even in these games he’s basically presented as a crybaby with an Oedipus complex, and a plan that makes no sense. But I think the bigger issue is how he and Cloud work in tandem here.
Cloud is undergoing CONSTANT mental breaks and claiming to see Sephiroth and nobody ever questions it. Cloud literally tries to murder Tifa by Sephiroth’s command, and everyone just goes “Huh. Weird. Anyway, moving on.” Like WHY THE FUCK ARE WE MOVING ON?! Cloud should be under constant questioning and scrutiny with how often he “sees Sephiroth”, and that’s a problem because it makes Sephiroth more of a weird plot device than a character, but he’s never like… actually discussed in that role. Cloud is constantly snapping and trying to kill people after going “SEPHIROTH!” and this means nothing because it’s never discussed or brought up by anyone.
It’s also made worse by the fact that nothing Sephiroth ever says is of any real consequence. He talks like he’s trying to be mysterious, but he’s just spouting meaningless platitudes. There’s a point in chapter 13 where Aerith says “there’s no such thing as forever” and he goes “Ah. But there will be” like… what the fuck does that mean? It doesn’t even line up with his weird, convoluted, nonsensical plan. It's just a cool thing to say that sounds mysterious but with no meaning and that's generally how I feel about Sephiroth overall. He's cool and mysterious but that's all he is.
Aerith - So in the original game I… did not care about Aerith. Didn’t… Care-ith I suppose you could say. I didn’t have an opinion on her one way or the other. She was a character who existed and that was the long and short of my thoughts. So when she got Kebab’d I also kinda didn’t care. My reaction wasn’t being broken like Cloud, it was me going “Uh… oh. Okay. I’m glad I wasn't using her in my party.”
But in this game… I do not like Aerith. It might just be me not remembering the original 7 well (I was like 10 when I played it) but I don’t remember her being so… thirsty and bratty? Like originally if I had to rank the party members, there would still be 3 characters below her. But in this series she kinda joins the ranks of Rise from Persona and Musse from Trails where I just wanna follow Cloud around with a 10 ft pole fwapping her in the face and call it the “personal space stick” because it feels like she exists just to thirst after him about 90% of the time, and be sassy the other 10%. And I think the reason for this was to try to force the player to love her by making her super over the top and having her really stand out, so that her becoming a rotisserie chicken in the end would hit harder. But for me it had the opposite effect. Instead of breaking down crying like I almost did in Remake when Barret gets Sephiroth’d, or being ambivalent to it like I was as a kid, now my reaction was “Thank God it was still (sorta?) her and not literally anyone else in the party.”
I guess I just think she feels a little “forced” in this game - and not just with Cloud. Her relationship with Tifa feels super surface level too. They high five all the time and give each other these knowing looks constantly but we don’t see anything of substance between them. She's like giving a kid a plate of veggies hoping that by stuffing it in their face they’ll suddenly fall in love with them instead of trying to actually make the veggies taste better in some way. I dunno add cheese to them or put them in a salad. In my case, it made me have a distaste for said raw, bland veggies and made me want to spend more time with the actual well rounded and well presented characters who weren’t stuffed in my face. And I think the musical number was kind of the biggest example of this. Things like dancing in Remake, or the stupid marching, or even the preceding play were just dumb, fun little side things that didn’t really focus on any one character for any specific purpose. They're just goofy moments of levity. But here it feels like they just REALLY want to put Aerith in front of you. There are games that do musical numbers well too. Witcher 3 is a good example, where an important character who is a bard is INTRODUCED with a musical number, and in that context it makes sense. Here… why is Aerith some super virtuoso now? Why does she get to basically upstage Jessie, the actual performer? Like the context here doesn’t make sense because it’s basically just “Look guys we have this character and we REALLY need you to think she’s the Bee’s Knees” without any like… evidence towards that end. Very style over substance.
It's made worse by the few times we actually do get decent character moments, like the ceremony in Cosmo Canyon, where if that were actually built up and focused on previously it would have worked marvelously, but instead she kinda just exposits on being a Cetra, which is something she has never been shown to struggle with up until this point, because they were too busy making her thirst for Cloud instead of actually establishing some kind of conflict, or desire, or care, or… anything at all really.
I guess I just wish that she was more… I dunno… More of a character? To me she feels more like a caricature a lot of the time. Just the thirsty girl who wants Cloud, and gets plot device privilege, instead of a well rounded character who is actively engaged in the plot as it unfolds.
Zack Fair: Enter the SOLDIERverse - So I’m gonna be real. I do not care about Zack. I never really got into the spinoff FF7 stuff as a kid so all I knew about Zack was him being that one dude who showed up like twice with 5 lines in the original game. I genuinely didn’t remember who he was at the end of Remake until I Googled it and went “Oh, HIM?!” And this didn’t change with Crisis Core Remake. If anything I kinda like him less after that. So being dragged into his “side” of the story repeatedly irked me. Especially since that side feels like… poorly written fanfiction? The whole multiverse thing, where “our” Biggs was somehow dragged into “their” world, “our” Marlene was dragged into “their” world, but Zack, Aerith, and Cloud are all alive and everyone else died, it just feels so… I dunno. Tonally dissonant? This is a narrative very heavily influenced by spiritualism, environmentalism, mental health, and mortality. Throwing in a weird multiverse story feels like it kind of takes away from those themes. And I generally hate Multiverses in any media for the same reason: it removes the stakes. Why does it matter if the planet blows up? Just Verse-hop to one where it didn’t. Why does it matter if someone dies? Just yank that person from a verse where they were the only survivor. It just feels like a lazy way to remove the stakes. And here it just feels overly convoluted for no reason. Why were Biggs and Marlene transported to Zack’s world? Why doesn’t anyone in “our” world seem to notice? Plus in this case it focuses on a character I do not care about, like I mentioned. Hell, I don’t even care about any possible consequences in that world because it’s not “ours”. Literally all of Avalanche is dead, Cloud is in a coma, Aerith is gonna die, Red is dead, and do I give a single fuck? No. Because they aren’t “mine”.
These sections remind me of the Abstergo sections from Assassin’s Creed games where like… I just wanna go back to being Ezio (or insert X other Assassin here). I do not give a fuck about the weird alien cult in the modern age. Here, I wanna go rejoin Cloud and Co. on their adventures, not hang out with this lump of cardboard dealing with the multiverse ripping itself apart. However much like Abstergo, it's not an ever-present issue. Any time a Zack section ends I promptly forget these sections even exist until I’m yanked back into another one, at which point my reaction is “uuuugh. THIS shit again…” But it kinda only bothers me when I’m actively engaged in it, which is not super often. But it IS my biggest problem with this game. It feels unnecessary, overly convoluted, and is something I don’t see why I should care since it’s not the world “we” exist in.
What was Kind of Middling
Chapter 14 - This is the only thing I felt middling on in this game. Chapter 14 is… weird. The beginning is a massive tonal shift that feels super jarring and I think undercuts the narrative. We were just dealing with Sephiroth trying to end the world (again) but then we hard cut to Zack’s world where Cloud and Aerith both wake up and go on a date, and it feels really weird. Especially since Cloud points out that Aerith is being weird (even though she’s acting completely normal based on the situation presented) and things continue on regardless, but even then this kinda falls back on my Aerith complaint where it feels like they REALLY REALLY NEED you to like her because she’s about to become a lollipop and they want it to hit harder, but again it just feels so forced because there’s no natural build to her character or relationship to the other characters. So basically the whole “middling” part is because they take this weird detour into a Zack and Aerith narrative when we’re supposed to be dealing with Sephiroth trying to jumpstart the apocalypse. And when we (finally) get back to that, it’s great! For the most part. Again the multiverse stuff is dumb and it’s weird to me that they basically present it as Aerith being destined to die no matter which verse she’s in, but that you can like… fuse with your “other” multiversal selves like Cloud does, even though it doesn’t really change anything about Cloud? And apparently there’s only one Sephiroth who is hopping between them to kill Aerith over and over or something..? Again, it’s just so unnecessarily convoluted in a game that already tries to juggle a LOT, and to me feels like they didn’t really come up with any rules for how this whole thing works and just went “IDK this whole multiverse thing is popular among the kids so let’s use it”.
The actual final battle was fantastic though. Like once you leave the Zack timeline things are insane because the timelines all start to merge into this completely wild, over the top, climactic battle that I think does wonders. Hell, even though I don’t particularly care about Zack I was so hyped when Cloud got to fight side by side with him. Remember when I said Chapter 13 felt weirdly anticlimactic for the penultimate chapter? This flips that on its head and suddenly it’s the most climactic thing ever.
All this said I.. don’t really understand Aerith’s fate totally? Because we originally see a reality where Cloud saves her which is presented as “our” timeline, but then we see like 10 more where she dies, and so I don’t really get if she’s alive in “our” world or not? Sephiroth makes it seem like she’s dead, but we watch Cloud save her so it’s a really weird discrepancy that I wish was presented better. I don’t necessarily HAVE feelings on this part because I just don’t get what happened. Is she alive in our timeline? If not, why not? Cloud saved her, and she’s there in the final battle, and she’s alive in Cloud’s arms so… what happened? Like why is she discussed as being dead in the final cutscene right after? Are we watching a different timeline? WERE we watching a different one when Cloud saved her and we hopped back to “ours”? Did he save her but the Whispers still kill her because she’s destined to die? It feels like a weird place to leave things off because the answer is almost too convoluted to feel like it fits a climax, especially since we probably won’t get an answer until like, 2030. And it sucks because it feels like there’s so much “more” of Aerith to tell based on these past two games. It feels like she SHOULD be getting an end to an arc, and everything should be gearing up to explain her whole Cetra thing, but she’s apparently dead but not?
I dunno. I didn’t exactly want to deal with Schrodinger’s Aerith where she’s assumed both dead and alive until we get Reunion and the “box” opens.
What Did Work
The Minigames - So I really like the majority of the minigames. I do think there may be too many, but most of them are super fun. ESPECIALLY Queen’s Blood and Fort Condor. However, that stupid Cacutar one can politely sit and spin, especially when they make you do it as Aerith. There were points where I genuinely questioned if the higher scores were even possible with her.
The Open World - Now, the aforementioned exception of Gongaga aside, I REALLY enjoyed the open world in this game. It’s surprising because normally I hate that sort of “checklists” type open world stuff because it never feels rewarding. But here you are always rewarded with SOMETHING. Be that lore, a minigame, or even just a beautiful area. I never felt like my time was being wasted for just another menial checklist of random BS. I felt like my exploration was actively being rewarded, and I really appreciated that.
I also love the more curated areas of the open world. Costa Del Sol, the Saucer, and Nibelheim especially. These areas just feel so alive. I don't know how to explain that any better.
The Side Quests - I really enjoyed the majority of these. Aforementioned issues with the friendship system, and that stupid fucking horrible ass finale side quest aside, I had a lot of fun doing most of the side quests. They all had a nice charm to them, and I DO like how each one has a companion character as part of them. Granted sometimes these felt a little… Forced. A lot of Red’s just turn into “well he is a dog therefore he tracks” and nothing of any actual substance for his character, but most of them are nice.
The Minor Characters - So I think I’m basically the only person who has ever liked Leslie, Kyrie, and Roche. But fuck it. I love them. Especially Kyrie. And it kinda sucks that we leave her off in a way that makes it feel like she won’t be around for Reunion. Even so, I love these characters. Heck, I even really liked Billy and his story in this game, even though I wasn’t really into him at first. Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the absolute LADS of the 7th Infantry Unit. I love those idiots.
Cloud’s Perspective - Now I know I went on a whole rant about Cloud and Sephiroth’s link being kinda dumb BUT I do like that the result is Cloud being… I don’t want to say an “unreliable narrator” because he isn’t the narrator (most of the time), but more of an unreliable perspective. We have these moments of Cloud saying something, then being contradicted behind closed doors - or even immediately once his hallucinations end - causing us to have to question what’s right and what’s wrong instead of the typical unreliable narrator approach of making us believe something the whole time only to pull the rug from under us as a sort of trick.
Vincent and Cid - They aren't around much, but I like how they handled Vincent and Cid in this game. Vincent’s boss fight was one of the coolest things, and I really enjoy how he's presented. And Cid is done very well and is immediately charming. I just wish they were around earlier (and playable) because only really having them for one game kinda sucks. But for what we got, I really enjoyed it. I especially like that while they aren't playable, they ARE still doing stuff. I was worried it would be a case where they join but then just kinda sit back doing sweet fuck all, but they're actually active in the chapters following their introductions.
Cait - So Cait was always weird to me. If you asked me to name all the party members in FF7, I would without question forget Cait. I don't know why. But then if you asked me to name Shinra employees, Reeve would probably be the second one I mention, and I’d follow it up with “and he controls Cait Sith”.
This game just made Cait stand out a lot more in my mind, I guess. I kinda love this little troublemaker now. Though I do find it a little weirdly tonally dissonant how different he and Reeve are as far as personality goes. Reeve is a kind, but depressed and serious man and Cait is… Well, a goofball. But he's a goofball that I enjoy. Even his "betrayal" and subsequent saving of our asses felt really nice.
Red - So the gameplay element aside, Red’s section is a real highlight of this game. The whole Cosmo Canyon bit and his dad were, much like with Barret, things I just didn't remember from the original. However this did make Red’s “real voice” kinda jarring. Even now I find it hard to wrestle with because even when I first played I remember thinking his voice was… Well, kinda like the “fake” one he uses for the first half of this game. So hearing him sound like… Well like a kid was just super weird and hard to swallow. But either way, fantastic section.
Barret - Now again, I was like 10 when I played the original FF7, So I really did not recall his whole section with Dyne, but it was done pretty well here. I do wish there was a little more buildup to it but hey, it was still pretty good. I really liked how they presented their relationship, and how you can see the dichotomy between what Barret thought he was doing, and what the people around him actually experienced. It’s actually sort of a continuation of Remake with Jessie’s whole conflict. She wanted to fight and make a difference, but not feel like she was being a burden to the people. The reactor explosion causes her to see herself as one of the bad guys, when it was Shinra responsible. Same with Barret and Dyne, except that Dyne saw Barret as the bad guy. And it felt so poignant when Barret says he adopted Marlene and Dyne’s reaction is rage, stating that Barret stole not only his life, but his daughter. It’s such a cool look at perspective.
Yuffie - So Yuffie is an interesting one to me. When I played the original FF7 I actually hated her. If I had to make a totem pole of party members from the original game she would sit squarely at the bottom. This has changed immensely. I don't know if I was just a bratty kid who didn't want to deal with the hyperactive gremlin, or if growing older and more jaded has made me more appreciative of her antics, but somehow I grew to love this girl. I especially love her relationship with Cloud and Barret. There are so many times where she’ll say something so off the wall, Cloud will rebut with something equally insane but in the opposite direction, and Barret is just sitting there wondering why he has to deal with these stupid kids.
She’s a chaotic, obsessive, hyperactive dumbass and I love her. She went from my least favorite character to 2nd place. Also she is SO fun to play as. If I had one complaint, one single issue, it's that I don't really get why she's part of the group at all? Like yeah she wants Materia, but the group is dealing with a super murderer Twink who she has never met and only really hates by proxy that the rest of the party hate him. I wish her reasons for joining were more concrete.
Still, I fucking adore her, and I'm excited to see what happens with Reunion considering her Trial section ends with a little Nero tease. I'd LOVE to go help her put that sunnovabitch down and liberate Sonon's body from Shinra's clutches.
Tifa - She was my favorite in the original, and she's still my favorite here, and I love basically everything they did with her. Especially the sections in the Reactor, and Nibelheim. It’s interesting because in this game I wouldn’t say that Tifa has an “arc” per se, but she has a ton of character moments that really explore and build upon her. I mean, she does come to the conclusion that her hatred of Shinra was a little… shortsighted I guess? It’s a case of like… she DOES still hate Shinra but realizes that Shinra is only a small part of a larger problem which she should focus on. But more than that, she has a ton of these nice little character moments that give us these insights into her thoughts, her wants, her ideals, and her struggles, but without feeling like those things are being preached to us. I think the worst thing a story can do is outright TELL you how a character feels without showing it. A lot of Tifa needs to be slowly picked up through small interactions. For example, how she doesn’t contradict Cloud’s recounting of Nibelheim at the beginning because for all intents and purposes, he knows things he shouldn’t have if he weren’t there, but it doesn’t match what Tifa herself remembers. And we see her talk to Aerith later and basically say “His story was mostly correct, but I don’t remember him actually being there”. And when he starts to remember more and more of what happened like Zack dying, her response isn’t to doubt him, it’s to be there for him. It’s made better by the fact that she clearly sees Cloud going completely insane at times - even trying to kill her - and her reaction is never to judge him or harm him, because she can tell it’s not what he actually wants. She can tell there’s something going on, she just doesn’t get what, but she can tell he doesn’t get it either. And she’s still always there for him. Hell, one of the last things she says to Cloud while the world is ending and Aerith is missing is “if you start having those thoughts that you aren’t yourself, I want you to talk to me”. Tifa is presented first and foremost in these games as the shoulder that everyone else leans on in times of need. She’s incredibly selfless - and that’s reflected in her whole revelation with Shinra. It’s no longer about her grudge against the people responsible for literally destroying her childhood, it’s about saving the world from a massive threat that Shinra is just a part of. There’s so much to her, so many layers, so much depth and nuance, and I really enjoy that in a character.
I realize that I said I have a lot of problems with this game, but the majority of them are weirdly situational. Like, they’re problems I don’t really notice until they are actively happening, and then I forget them once it’s done. Which to me means that they aren’t “major” problems. But the things I love carry on. I found myself thinking of what I enjoyed after each play session instead of what I didn’t like. Looking back my mind is full of Cloud and Co running around in Costa Del Sol, playing Queens Blood, racing Chocobos, Tifa and Yuffie, the things I really really enjoy and loved. No game is perfect. All games have problems. I can see this games problems becoming larger issues in Reunion, but they aren’t that large here. But to me, these problems I don’t spend a lot of the time thinking about countered by the amazing things I DO think about is what makes a game great in the end. Unless something absolutely amazingly brain-destroying comes out between now and December 31st, this is my game of the year. It will be VERY hard to surpass.
Either way, I’m curious what everyone else thinks, either on my thoughts or the game in general. Let me know! (and try to keep it classy. I know people have very poignant thoughts on a lot of this. I’m trying to spark discussion with the community, not argument.)
submitted by Cirkusleader to FFVIIRemake [link] [comments]
So, I just finished FF7 Rebirth and wanted to kinda talk about it.
Bit of background, I’ve never been the biggest FF guy. I adored the original 7 back when I was a wee lad, but then didn't play another until 13 came out which I only played like half of. Tried 15 and didn’t like it, but then I loved 16.
So when 7 Remake came out I was STOKED. I loved the original (even though it's been decades since I played it) so I felt a desperate need to give Remake a try, and I personally think Remake - for what it is anyway - is just as good as its equivalent sections of the original. So do I feel the same with Rebirth?
Yeeeeeess? I think? Rebirth is weird because it’s the middle chunk of the original game, which is kinda the part I remember the least. A lot of this game was me going “Oh YEAH! I remember this now!” or me going “Was this in the original? I feel like I’d remember something this cool.” That said I do have some issues with this game - more so than Remake. Don’t get me wrong I still think it’s fantastic. GOTY material for me, even. But it has some pretty glaring issues too. So I kinda want to go over what worked, and what didn’t.
And obviously spoilers for the FF7 "series" in general.
What Didn’t Work
Chadley - I wasn’t one of the people who hated him in Remake. He was fine. But for whatever reason they just made him into a gargantuan asshole in this game, and he has more lines of dialogue than fucking Cloud does. It’s a small problem but I kinda hate him now, when I didn’t before.
MAI supremacy.
Murder is baaaaad (in cutscenes) - Now this isn’t an issue exclusive to this game. Lots of games have this problem. But it always irks me when gameplay consists of protagonist-man cutting through 7 trillion people at any given time, but then when they kill someone in a cutscene, suddenly it becomes a moral quandary. This happens three times in this game. Cloud kills Shinra soldiers in 2 cutscenes, and tries to kill Elena, and in THOSE scenes suddenly everyone’s like “Aaaah! Cloud’s a MOOONSTEEER! STAAAAHP!'' Meanwhile, literally 30 seconds prior he was decapitating soldiers by the dozens WITH everyone else’s help and nobody batted an eye. It’s nowhere near as big of a perpetrator of this as say, the Yakuza series where Kiryu will shoot someone with a pistol into a woodchipper in combat, but then the game will tell you he's never killed someone before once a cutscene starts, but it does bug me a lot when games do this.
The Combat - the combat in this game is a very mixed bag. Some characters are fun to play (Tifa especially) but a lot are just not fun at all. Cait could be fun if he didn’t have the HP and defense of a piece of drywall, Red is fun except for his gimmick, and Barret and Aerith are just… bleh. Then again, those two felt the same in Remake. But my biggest problem is with uh… stagger? Why the fuck did they call the enemy stun state stagger? It makes this so much harder to talk about. I do NOT mean “stagger” as in the enemy stunned state. I mean enemies hitting you. A lot of the time combat will turn into your character being bounced around or staggered over and over and over again for like 30 seconds and it really kills the pacing. It makes a lot of encounters thoroughly annoying - but not necessarily difficult. I think across the whole game I had to use a Phoenix Down twice, both times on Cait, but the fact that your characters don’t have some kind of poise or hyper armor is a MAJOR pain in the ass. Couple this with some enemies who just get to decide when you can hit them (enemies underground, enemies that seem to have some kind of auto-dodge, enemies that randomly become totally immune to damage, etc), and enemies that have what I call “pivot attacks” (doing a divebomb where they can spin 180 degrees while in mid-air to track your dodges at which point I learned the dodge button was basically useless), and a lot of encounters turn into a chore.
I think overall I enjoy the combat, especially when I’m playing Tifa, but there’s enough issues that sometimes I just stop enjoying myself.
The Removal of Party Members - I generally hate when games do this without a good narrative reason. For example, the Golden Saucer date. It makes sense for Cloud to not have the full party and just be hanging out with Tifa. And even in Remake there were a lot of times where it made sense narratively to lose party members. I mean, Cloud falling from the plate down into the church… yeah. I don’t expect Tifa and Barret to be there with him since they didn't fall.
But a lot of the time here the game likes to arbitrarily limit your party to one or two members, seemingly chosen haphazardly. For example, the “Trial” at Cosmo Canyon. This isn't some relationship building moment for Red and Barret. You could replace Barret with literally any other character and the end result is the same. So why the fuck can’t I use my chosen party? My big issue here is that some characters aren’t available right away, so I want to spend as much time with these new characters as I can, but a lot of the time these characters get yanked away from me for basically no reason. It’s made worse by the fact that limiting the party means I have to use characters who aren’t fun to play. In the previous example, Red is fine - I hate his gimmick but he’s fine - but Barret is REALLY not fun to play. So my options are either playing a character who isn’t fun, but isn’t NOT fun, and a character who is straight up not fun. I’d rather just play a fun character. Plus once the trial ends the rest of the party literally just APPEAR at the end of the dungeon as though they were there all along. And this happens more than once.
Gongaga - Look, this area of the story is REALLY good narratively but FUCK traversing this hellhole. I’ll get more into the open world later (and how I actually liked it) but Gongaga is the exception. Actually fuck this place.
Can’t Stop Won’t Stop - This might be one of the worst quests I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing in any game ever. It’s not fun. It’s not challenging. It’s just fucking annoying, cheap, and I refuse to let them waste my time with this complete and utter bullshit. I genuinely hate this quest, and I wish the worst upon whomever made it. I hope they get the fucking Yelnats curse.
The Friendship System - So I kinda hate the friendship system in this game. Certain events are locked behind it similar to the original game, but the problem here is that it’s not tied to actual choices. In FF7 Remake, your events are effectively determined between Option A or B choices. A gains favor with character A, B with character B, and the original worked similarly. But here it’s determined by three things, combat, side quests, and discussions. In order to get the events you want, you’re encouraged to only use preferred party members, skip side quests, and generally be a dick to the other characters, for worry that you may end up on a date with Red or something. And I kinda really wish they didn’t do this.
The Turks - So my thoughts on the Turks are weird, because the Crisis Core Remake and the base game Remake kinda made me like them because yeah, they’re the bad guys, but they never felt like they were pure evil. They had layers, depth, nuance. But now they do feel like JUST the bad guys. It feels like any nuance or depth was removed from them just to make them into the one-note evil underling characters with single-tone personalities and are unabashedly evil. It’s especially bad with Tseng. In Remake he felt like he kinda always had a level of nobility to him. Now he’s just kind of Rufus’s puppet with no thoughts or actions of his own. And it makes even less sense with Reno, where in Remake he was clearly against a lot of what he had to do, especially after the fact, and so him coming back at the end of the game and just immediately falling in line with Rufus being a warmongering douche canoe trying to start Armageddon felt super counter to his character at the end of Remake.
Chapter 13 - So I think that generally this game is pretty good with its narrative and combat balance all things considered. Like yeah I complained earlier about some of the BS combat mechanics but most of the time it’s fine. Chapter 13 is sort of the exception. It’s super long, the combat encounters mostly suck (especially the Aerith, Yuffie, and Red side), the narrative gets weird, and there’s a lot of just… unnecessary scenes. Like the trials are presented as these super narratively important scenes, but we had already either seen them before, or don’t accurately convey any kind of important reason for us to be seeing them. Like Red’s was just him getting his XIII burned on. Okay? Cool I guess? And we’ve seen Tifa, Yuffie, and Aerith’s scenes before. The only one that feels worthwhile is Barrets, but it’s not well presented at all so it falls flat. It’s really a shame because it’s the penultimate chapter and it basically ends with an annoying dungeon, with annoying combat, low narrative points, and us kicking the Turks asses for the 40th time. It feels like it’s trying to juggle so much all at once and kinda fumbles all of it right at the end. Granted, I do understand that based on the nature of this being the middle chunk of FF7’s story, it’s hard to really make a tonally and narratively satisfying conclusion since we’re like… in the middle.
But now it’s time for the big guns that’ll make people hunt me down and kill me.
Sephiroth and Cloud - So here’s the thing, I’ve never thought Sephiroth was all that great of a villain. I think he’s got a cool design, a theme that has no right to be as cool as it is, and a scene that has gone down in history, but I think him as a character is very flat. Even in these games he’s basically presented as a crybaby with an Oedipus complex, and a plan that makes no sense. But I think the bigger issue is how he and Cloud work in tandem here.
Cloud is undergoing CONSTANT mental breaks and claiming to see Sephiroth and nobody ever questions it. Cloud literally tries to murder Tifa by Sephiroth’s command, and everyone just goes “Huh. Weird. Anyway, moving on.” Like WHY THE FUCK ARE WE MOVING ON?! Cloud should be under constant questioning and scrutiny with how often he “sees Sephiroth”, and that’s a problem because it makes Sephiroth more of a weird plot device than a character, but he’s never like… actually discussed in that role. Cloud is constantly snapping and trying to kill people after going “SEPHIROTH!” and this means nothing because it’s never discussed or brought up by anyone.
It’s also made worse by the fact that nothing Sephiroth ever says is of any real consequence. He talks like he’s trying to be mysterious, but he’s just spouting meaningless platitudes. There’s a point in chapter 13 where Aerith says “there’s no such thing as forever” and he goes “Ah. But there will be” like… what the fuck does that mean? It doesn’t even line up with his weird, convoluted, nonsensical plan. It's just a cool thing to say that sounds mysterious but with no meaning and that's generally how I feel about Sephiroth overall. He's cool and mysterious but that's all he is.
Aerith - So in the original game I… did not care about Aerith. Didn’t… Care-ith I suppose you could say. I didn’t have an opinion on her one way or the other. She was a character who existed and that was the long and short of my thoughts. So when she got Kebab’d I also kinda didn’t care. My reaction wasn’t being broken like Cloud, it was me going “Uh… oh. Okay. I’m glad I wasn't using her in my party.”
But in this game… I do not like Aerith. It might just be me not remembering the original 7 well (I was like 10 when I played it) but I don’t remember her being so… thirsty and bratty? Like originally if I had to rank the party members, there would still be 3 characters below her. But in this series she kinda joins the ranks of Rise from Persona and Musse from Trails where I just wanna follow Cloud around with a 10 ft pole fwapping her in the face and call it the “personal space stick” because it feels like she exists just to thirst after him about 90% of the time, and be sassy the other 10%. And I think the reason for this was to try to force the player to love her by making her super over the top and having her really stand out, so that her becoming a rotisserie chicken in the end would hit harder. But for me it had the opposite effect. Instead of breaking down crying like I almost did in Remake when Barret gets Sephiroth’d, or being ambivalent to it like I was as a kid, now my reaction was “Thank God it was still (sorta?) her and not literally anyone else in the party.”
I guess I just think she feels a little “forced” in this game - and not just with Cloud. Her relationship with Tifa feels super surface level too. They high five all the time and give each other these knowing looks constantly but we don’t see anything of substance between them. She's like giving a kid a plate of veggies hoping that by stuffing it in their face they’ll suddenly fall in love with them instead of trying to actually make the veggies taste better in some way. I dunno add cheese to them or put them in a salad. In my case, it made me have a distaste for said raw, bland veggies and made me want to spend more time with the actual well rounded and well presented characters who weren’t stuffed in my face. And I think the musical number was kind of the biggest example of this. Things like dancing in Remake, or the stupid marching, or even the preceding play were just dumb, fun little side things that didn’t really focus on any one character for any specific purpose. They're just goofy moments of levity. But here it feels like they just REALLY want to put Aerith in front of you. There are games that do musical numbers well too. Witcher 3 is a good example, where an important character who is a bard is INTRODUCED with a musical number, and in that context it makes sense. Here… why is Aerith some super virtuoso now? Why does she get to basically upstage Jessie, the actual performer? Like the context here doesn’t make sense because it’s basically just “Look guys we have this character and we REALLY need you to think she’s the Bee’s Knees” without any like… evidence towards that end. Very style over substance.
It's made worse by the few times we actually do get decent character moments, like the ceremony in Cosmo Canyon, where if that were actually built up and focused on previously it would have worked marvelously, but instead she kinda just exposits on being a Cetra, which is something she has never been shown to struggle with up until this point, because they were too busy making her thirst for Cloud instead of actually establishing some kind of conflict, or desire, or care, or… anything at all really.
I guess I just wish that she was more… I dunno… More of a character? To me she feels more like a caricature a lot of the time. Just the thirsty girl who wants Cloud, and gets plot device privilege, instead of a well rounded character who is actively engaged in the plot as it unfolds.
Zack Fair: Enter the SOLDIERverse - So I’m gonna be real. I do not care about Zack. I never really got into the spinoff FF7 stuff as a kid so all I knew about Zack was him being that one dude who showed up like twice with 5 lines in the original game. I genuinely didn’t remember who he was at the end of Remake until I Googled it and went “Oh, HIM?!” And this didn’t change with Crisis Core Remake. If anything I kinda like him less after that. So being dragged into his “side” of the story repeatedly irked me. Especially since that side feels like… poorly written fanfiction? The whole multiverse thing, where “our” Biggs was somehow dragged into “their” world, “our” Marlene was dragged into “their” world, but Zack, Aerith, and Cloud are all alive and everyone else died, it just feels so… I dunno. Tonally dissonant? This is a narrative very heavily influenced by spiritualism, environmentalism, mental health, and mortality. Throwing in a weird multiverse story feels like it kind of takes away from those themes. And I generally hate Multiverses in any media for the same reason: it removes the stakes. Why does it matter if the planet blows up? Just Verse-hop to one where it didn’t. Why does it matter if someone dies? Just yank that person from a verse where they were the only survivor. It just feels like a lazy way to remove the stakes. And here it just feels overly convoluted for no reason. Why were Biggs and Marlene transported to Zack’s world? Why doesn’t anyone in “our” world seem to notice? Plus in this case it focuses on a character I do not care about, like I mentioned. Hell, I don’t even care about any possible consequences in that world because it’s not “ours”. Literally all of Avalanche is dead, Cloud is in a coma, Aerith is gonna die, Red is dead, and do I give a single fuck? No. Because they aren’t “mine”.
These sections remind me of the Abstergo sections from Assassin’s Creed games where like… I just wanna go back to being Ezio (or insert X other Assassin here). I do not give a fuck about the weird alien cult in the modern age. Here, I wanna go rejoin Cloud and Co. on their adventures, not hang out with this lump of cardboard dealing with the multiverse ripping itself apart. However much like Abstergo, it's not an ever-present issue. Any time a Zack section ends I promptly forget these sections even exist until I’m yanked back into another one, at which point my reaction is “uuuugh. THIS shit again…” But it kinda only bothers me when I’m actively engaged in it, which is not super often. But it IS my biggest problem with this game. It feels unnecessary, overly convoluted, and is something I don’t see why I should care since it’s not the world “we” exist in.
What was Kind of Middling
Chapter 14 - This is the only thing I felt middling on in this game. Chapter 14 is… weird. The beginning is a massive tonal shift that feels super jarring and I think undercuts the narrative. We were just dealing with Sephiroth trying to end the world (again) but then we hard cut to Zack’s world where Cloud and Aerith both wake up and go on a date, and it feels really weird. Especially since Cloud points out that Aerith is being weird (even though she’s acting completely normal based on the situation presented) and things continue on regardless, but even then this kinda falls back on my Aerith complaint where it feels like they REALLY REALLY NEED you to like her because she’s about to become a lollipop and they want it to hit harder, but again it just feels so forced because there’s no natural build to her character or relationship to the other characters. So basically the whole “middling” part is because they take this weird detour into a Zack and Aerith narrative when we’re supposed to be dealing with Sephiroth trying to jumpstart the apocalypse. And when we (finally) get back to that, it’s great! For the most part. Again the multiverse stuff is dumb and it’s weird to me that they basically present it as Aerith being destined to die no matter which verse she’s in, but that you can like… fuse with your “other” multiversal selves like Cloud does, even though it doesn’t really change anything about Cloud? And apparently there’s only one Sephiroth who is hopping between them to kill Aerith over and over or something..? Again, it’s just so unnecessarily convoluted in a game that already tries to juggle a LOT, and to me feels like they didn’t really come up with any rules for how this whole thing works and just went “IDK this whole multiverse thing is popular among the kids so let’s use it”.
The actual final battle was fantastic though. Like once you leave the Zack timeline things are insane because the timelines all start to merge into this completely wild, over the top, climactic battle that I think does wonders. Hell, even though I don’t particularly care about Zack I was so hyped when Cloud got to fight side by side with him. Remember when I said Chapter 13 felt weirdly anticlimactic for the penultimate chapter? This flips that on its head and suddenly it’s the most climactic thing ever.
All this said I.. don’t really understand Aerith’s fate totally? Because we originally see a reality where Cloud saves her which is presented as “our” timeline, but then we see like 10 more where she dies, and so I don’t really get if she’s alive in “our” world or not? Sephiroth makes it seem like she’s dead, but we watch Cloud save her so it’s a really weird discrepancy that I wish was presented better. I don’t necessarily HAVE feelings on this part because I just don’t get what happened. Is she alive in our timeline? If not, why not? Cloud saved her, and she’s there in the final battle, and she’s alive in Cloud’s arms so… what happened? Like why is she discussed as being dead in the final cutscene right after? Are we watching a different timeline? WERE we watching a different one when Cloud saved her and we hopped back to “ours”? Did he save her but the Whispers still kill her because she’s destined to die? It feels like a weird place to leave things off because the answer is almost too convoluted to feel like it fits a climax, especially since we probably won’t get an answer until like, 2030. And it sucks because it feels like there’s so much “more” of Aerith to tell based on these past two games. It feels like she SHOULD be getting an end to an arc, and everything should be gearing up to explain her whole Cetra thing, but she’s apparently dead but not?
I dunno. I didn’t exactly want to deal with Schrodinger’s Aerith where she’s assumed both dead and alive until we get Reunion and the “box” opens.
What Did Work
The Minigames - So I really like the majority of the minigames. I do think there may be too many, but most of them are super fun. ESPECIALLY Queen’s Blood and Fort Condor. However, that stupid Cacutar one can politely sit and spin, especially when they make you do it as Aerith. There were points where I genuinely questioned if the higher scores were even possible with her.
The Open World - Now, the aforementioned exception of Gongaga aside, I REALLY enjoyed the open world in this game. It’s surprising because normally I hate that sort of “checklists” type open world stuff because it never feels rewarding. But here you are always rewarded with SOMETHING. Be that lore, a minigame, or even just a beautiful area. I never felt like my time was being wasted for just another menial checklist of random BS. I felt like my exploration was actively being rewarded, and I really appreciated that.
I also love the more curated areas of the open world. Costa Del Sol, the Saucer, and Nibelheim especially. These areas just feel so alive. I don't know how to explain that any better.
The Side Quests - I really enjoyed the majority of these. Aforementioned issues with the friendship system, and that stupid fucking horrible ass finale side quest aside, I had a lot of fun doing most of the side quests. They all had a nice charm to them, and I DO like how each one has a companion character as part of them. Granted sometimes these felt a little… Forced. A lot of Red’s just turn into “well he is a dog therefore he tracks” and nothing of any actual substance for his character, but most of them are nice.
The Minor Characters - So I think I’m basically the only person who has ever liked Leslie, Kyrie, and Roche. But fuck it. I love them. Especially Kyrie. And it kinda sucks that we leave her off in a way that makes it feel like she won’t be around for Reunion. Even so, I love these characters. Heck, I even really liked Billy and his story in this game, even though I wasn’t really into him at first. Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the absolute LADS of the 7th Infantry Unit. I love those idiots.
Cloud’s Perspective - Now I know I went on a whole rant about Cloud and Sephiroth’s link being kinda dumb BUT I do like that the result is Cloud being… I don’t want to say an “unreliable narrator” because he isn’t the narrator (most of the time), but more of an unreliable perspective. We have these moments of Cloud saying something, then being contradicted behind closed doors - or even immediately once his hallucinations end - causing us to have to question what’s right and what’s wrong instead of the typical unreliable narrator approach of making us believe something the whole time only to pull the rug from under us as a sort of trick.
Vincent and Cid - They aren't around much, but I like how they handled Vincent and Cid in this game. Vincent’s boss fight was one of the coolest things, and I really enjoy how he's presented. And Cid is done very well and is immediately charming. I just wish they were around earlier (and playable) because only really having them for one game kinda sucks. But for what we got, I really enjoyed it. I especially like that while they aren't playable, they ARE still doing stuff. I was worried it would be a case where they join but then just kinda sit back doing sweet fuck all, but they're actually active in the chapters following their introductions.
Cait - So Cait was always weird to me. If you asked me to name all the party members in FF7, I would without question forget Cait. I don't know why. But then if you asked me to name Shinra employees, Reeve would probably be the second one I mention, and I’d follow it up with “and he controls Cait Sith”.
This game just made Cait stand out a lot more in my mind, I guess. I kinda love this little troublemaker now. Though I do find it a little weirdly tonally dissonant how different he and Reeve are as far as personality goes. Reeve is a kind, but depressed and serious man and Cait is… Well, a goofball. But he's a goofball that I enjoy. Even his "betrayal" and subsequent saving of our asses felt really nice.
Red - So the gameplay element aside, Red’s section is a real highlight of this game. The whole Cosmo Canyon bit and his dad were, much like with Barret, things I just didn't remember from the original. However this did make Red’s “real voice” kinda jarring. Even now I find it hard to wrestle with because even when I first played I remember thinking his voice was… Well, kinda like the “fake” one he uses for the first half of this game. So hearing him sound like… Well like a kid was just super weird and hard to swallow. But either way, fantastic section.
Barret - Now again, I was like 10 when I played the original FF7, So I really did not recall his whole section with Dyne, but it was done pretty well here. I do wish there was a little more buildup to it but hey, it was still pretty good. I really liked how they presented their relationship, and how you can see the dichotomy between what Barret thought he was doing, and what the people around him actually experienced. It’s actually sort of a continuation of Remake with Jessie’s whole conflict. She wanted to fight and make a difference, but not feel like she was being a burden to the people. The reactor explosion causes her to see herself as one of the bad guys, when it was Shinra responsible. Same with Barret and Dyne, except that Dyne saw Barret as the bad guy. And it felt so poignant when Barret says he adopted Marlene and Dyne’s reaction is rage, stating that Barret stole not only his life, but his daughter. It’s such a cool look at perspective.
Yuffie - So Yuffie is an interesting one to me. When I played the original FF7 I actually hated her. If I had to make a totem pole of party members from the original game she would sit squarely at the bottom. This has changed immensely. I don't know if I was just a bratty kid who didn't want to deal with the hyperactive gremlin, or if growing older and more jaded has made me more appreciative of her antics, but somehow I grew to love this girl. I especially love her relationship with Cloud and Barret. There are so many times where she’ll say something so off the wall, Cloud will rebut with something equally insane but in the opposite direction, and Barret is just sitting there wondering why he has to deal with these stupid kids.
She’s a chaotic, obsessive, hyperactive dumbass and I love her. She went from my least favorite character to 2nd place. Also she is SO fun to play as. If I had one complaint, one single issue, it's that I don't really get why she's part of the group at all? Like yeah she wants Materia, but the group is dealing with a super murderer Twink who she has never met and only really hates by proxy that the rest of the party hate him. I wish her reasons for joining were more concrete.
Still, I fucking adore her, and I'm excited to see what happens with Reunion considering her Trial section ends with a little Nero tease. I'd LOVE to go help her put that sunnovabitch down and liberate Sonon's body from Shinra's clutches.
Tifa - She was my favorite in the original, and she's still my favorite here, and I love basically everything they did with her. Especially the sections in the Reactor, and Nibelheim. It’s interesting because in this game I wouldn’t say that Tifa has an “arc” per se, but she has a ton of character moments that really explore and build upon her. I mean, she does come to the conclusion that her hatred of Shinra was a little… shortsighted I guess? It’s a case of like… she DOES still hate Shinra but realizes that Shinra is only a small part of a larger problem which she should focus on. But more than that, she has a ton of these nice little character moments that give us these insights into her thoughts, her wants, her ideals, and her struggles, but without feeling like those things are being preached to us. I think the worst thing a story can do is outright TELL you how a character feels without showing it. A lot of Tifa needs to be slowly picked up through small interactions. For example, how she doesn’t contradict Cloud’s recounting of Nibelheim at the beginning because for all intents and purposes, he knows things he shouldn’t have if he weren’t there, but it doesn’t match what Tifa herself remembers. And we see her talk to Aerith later and basically say “His story was mostly correct, but I don’t remember him actually being there”. And when he starts to remember more and more of what happened like Zack dying, her response isn’t to doubt him, it’s to be there for him. It’s made better by the fact that she clearly sees Cloud going completely insane at times - even trying to kill her - and her reaction is never to judge him or harm him, because she can tell it’s not what he actually wants. She can tell there’s something going on, she just doesn’t get what, but she can tell he doesn’t get it either. And she’s still always there for him. Hell, one of the last things she says to Cloud while the world is ending and Aerith is missing is “if you start having those thoughts that you aren’t yourself, I want you to talk to me”. Tifa is presented first and foremost in these games as the shoulder that everyone else leans on in times of need. She’s incredibly selfless - and that’s reflected in her whole revelation with Shinra. It’s no longer about her grudge against the people responsible for literally destroying her childhood, it’s about saving the world from a massive threat that Shinra is just a part of. There’s so much to her, so many layers, so much depth and nuance, and I really enjoy that in a character.
I realize that I said I have a lot of problems with this game, but the majority of them are weirdly situational. Like, they’re problems I don’t really notice until they are actively happening, and then I forget them once it’s done. Which to me means that they aren’t “major” problems. But the things I love carry on. I found myself thinking of what I enjoyed after each play session instead of what I didn’t like. Looking back my mind is full of Cloud and Co running around in Costa Del Sol, playing Queens Blood, racing Chocobos, Tifa and Yuffie, the things I really really enjoy and loved. No game is perfect. All games have problems. I can see this games problems becoming larger issues in Reunion, but they aren’t that large here. But to me, these problems I don’t spend a lot of the time thinking about countered by the amazing things I DO think about is what makes a game great in the end. Unless something absolutely amazingly brain-destroying comes out between now and December 31st, this is my game of the year. It will be VERY hard to surpass.
Either way, I’m curious what everyone else thinks, either on my thoughts or the game in general. Let me know! (and try to keep it classy. I know people have very poignant thoughts on a lot of this. I’m trying to spark discussion with the community, not argument.)
2024.03.07 23:18 silly_tacos the whole Shrek script
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amazing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterous. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
submitted by silly_tacos to u/silly_tacos [link] [comments]
2024.02.08 05:25 watchhomage Best toaster oven r/Cooking Reddit
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you click through and make a purchase, I may receive a commission, at no additional cost to you. Thank you for your support! https://www.reddit.com/betabattle/comments/1ciu7ct/amazon_associates/
1. KitchenAid Digital Countertop Oven with Air Fry:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include versatility, sleek interface, easy monitoring, generous capacity, and no-flip air frying.
Cons include the exterior getting hot to touch, alerts not being very loud, and uneven toasting.
The bottom line highlights the sleek and stylish design of the KitchenAid Digital oven and its excellent performance in various functions, especially air frying.
2. Wolf Gourmet Countertop Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include an included temperature probe, digital timer display, sturdy construction, even cooking, and swappable dial colors.
Cons include the high price and lack of smart features compared to similarly priced ovens.
The bottom line acknowledges that Wolf Gourmet is a top-quality toaster oven but mentions its high cost and fewer features compared to some competitors.
3. Café Couture Oven with Air Fry:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include a fancy design, Wi-Fi connectivity, remote control, lightweight, cord wrap, adjustable alarm volume, and 14 cooking modes.
Cons include the high price and a slightly smaller capacity for larger families.
The bottom line highlights Café Couture's smart features, including app control and voice command, making it a versatile and convenient toaster oven.
4. Fotile ChefCubii Countertop Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include steam cooking function, portable water tank, 40 preset recipes, simple controls, and self-cleaning.
Cons include the high price, a difficult-to-open oven door, and a larger footprint.
The bottom line emphasizes Fotile ChefCubii's steam cooking capability and its versatility with 40 preset menu functions, but mentions the challenge of opening the oven door.
5. Tovala Smart Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include space-saving design, optional meal delivery service, smart features, scan-to-cook capability, and a recipe library.
Cons include ongoing costs for the meal delivery service, reliance on Wi-Fi and a smartphone for setup, and a smaller size for larger households.
The bottom line highlights Tovala's focus on oven-ready meals and its ease of use through an app, but mentions the ongoing meal costs and tech requirements.
We paid close attention to attributes like cooking performance, build quality, user-friendliness, and innovative features. Products that received consistent praise for attributes such as even cooking, reliability, ease of use, and durability were given top consideration.
Cooking Performance: We meticulously tested each toaster oven's ability to cook a variety of dishes, from toasting bread and baking pizzas to air frying fries and broiling steaks. We evaluated consistency, temperature accuracy, and cooking time.
Ease of Use: We examined the user interface, control options, and preset cooking functions to gauge how user-friendly each toaster oven was. We considered factors such as the clarity of the display, the intuitiveness of controls, and the ease of adjusting settings.
Build Quality: We assessed the materials used, construction quality, and how well each toaster oven stood up to frequent use. Durability and longevity were key factors in our evaluations.
Versatility: We considered how well each toaster oven adapted to various cooking styles and needs, from reheating leftovers to roasting chicken. Versatility was a crucial criterion.
Cooking Capacity: Determine the volume of food you typically prepare to select a toaster oven with the right cooking space.
Specific Features: Consider any specific cooking functions or features you need, such as convection cooking, air frying, or a rotisserie option.
Ease of Use: Ensure the toaster oven has a user-friendly interface and controls that align with your cooking style.
Design and Aesthetics: Choose a toaster oven that complements your kitchen decor and fits the available countertop space.
Budget: Decide how much you're willing to invest. Higher-priced toaster ovens often offer advanced features and more precise cooking performance, but budget-friendly options can still deliver excellent results.
By combining expert insights from culinary enthusiasts and our own experiences with various toaster ovens, we've curated a selection of top-notch toaster ovens that cater to a range of cooking needs and preferences. Whether you're looking for a compact toaster oven for quick snacks, a versatile multi-function unit, or a high-end appliance with advanced cooking capabilities, there's a toaster oven on this list that will elevate your culinary experience. Remember, the best toaster oven for you is one that aligns with your specific cooking requirements and enhances your everyday meal preparation.
submitted by watchhomage to betabattle [link] [comments]
1. KitchenAid Digital Countertop Oven with Air Fry:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include versatility, sleek interface, easy monitoring, generous capacity, and no-flip air frying.
Cons include the exterior getting hot to touch, alerts not being very loud, and uneven toasting.
The bottom line highlights the sleek and stylish design of the KitchenAid Digital oven and its excellent performance in various functions, especially air frying.
2. Wolf Gourmet Countertop Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include an included temperature probe, digital timer display, sturdy construction, even cooking, and swappable dial colors.
Cons include the high price and lack of smart features compared to similarly priced ovens.
The bottom line acknowledges that Wolf Gourmet is a top-quality toaster oven but mentions its high cost and fewer features compared to some competitors.
3. Café Couture Oven with Air Fry:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include a fancy design, Wi-Fi connectivity, remote control, lightweight, cord wrap, adjustable alarm volume, and 14 cooking modes.
Cons include the high price and a slightly smaller capacity for larger families.
The bottom line highlights Café Couture's smart features, including app control and voice command, making it a versatile and convenient toaster oven.
4. Fotile ChefCubii Countertop Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include steam cooking function, portable water tank, 40 preset recipes, simple controls, and self-cleaning.
Cons include the high price, a difficult-to-open oven door, and a larger footprint.
The bottom line emphasizes Fotile ChefCubii's steam cooking capability and its versatility with 40 preset menu functions, but mentions the challenge of opening the oven door.
5. Tovala Smart Oven:
Specifications include dimensions, power, capacity, and cooking functions.
Pros include space-saving design, optional meal delivery service, smart features, scan-to-cook capability, and a recipe library.
Cons include ongoing costs for the meal delivery service, reliance on Wi-Fi and a smartphone for setup, and a smaller size for larger households.
The bottom line highlights Tovala's focus on oven-ready meals and its ease of use through an app, but mentions the ongoing meal costs and tech requirements.
Methodology: Curating the Best Toaster Ovens for Your Everyday Needs
Selecting the right toaster oven is more than just about convenience; it's about finding a perfect blend of functionality, design, and performance. To curate the best options, we've adopted a comprehensive approach, combining expert insights and hands-on testing. Here's a breakdown of our methodology:Expert Insights: Exploring Reviews and Recommendations
To understand the preferences and experiences of others, we delved into various expert reviews, consumer feedback, and recommendations from reputable sources. We scoured appliance forums, culinary subreddits, and kitchen gadget websites to gather insights from those who have extensively researched and tested toaster ovens.We paid close attention to attributes like cooking performance, build quality, user-friendliness, and innovative features. Products that received consistent praise for attributes such as even cooking, reliability, ease of use, and durability were given top consideration.
Personal Testing: A Toaster Oven Enthusiast's Perspective
As individuals who rely on toaster ovens for everyday cooking needs, we embarked on a journey of personal testing. Each toaster oven on our list underwent rigorous testing in various culinary scenarios to assess its performance and suitability for different cooking requirements.Cooking Performance: We meticulously tested each toaster oven's ability to cook a variety of dishes, from toasting bread and baking pizzas to air frying fries and broiling steaks. We evaluated consistency, temperature accuracy, and cooking time.
Ease of Use: We examined the user interface, control options, and preset cooking functions to gauge how user-friendly each toaster oven was. We considered factors such as the clarity of the display, the intuitiveness of controls, and the ease of adjusting settings.
Build Quality: We assessed the materials used, construction quality, and how well each toaster oven stood up to frequent use. Durability and longevity were key factors in our evaluations.
Versatility: We considered how well each toaster oven adapted to various cooking styles and needs, from reheating leftovers to roasting chicken. Versatility was a crucial criterion.
Identifying Your Toaster Oven Needs
Before selecting a toaster oven, consider what's most important for your culinary routine and preferences:Cooking Capacity: Determine the volume of food you typically prepare to select a toaster oven with the right cooking space.
Specific Features: Consider any specific cooking functions or features you need, such as convection cooking, air frying, or a rotisserie option.
Ease of Use: Ensure the toaster oven has a user-friendly interface and controls that align with your cooking style.
Design and Aesthetics: Choose a toaster oven that complements your kitchen decor and fits the available countertop space.
Budget: Decide how much you're willing to invest. Higher-priced toaster ovens often offer advanced features and more precise cooking performance, but budget-friendly options can still deliver excellent results.
By combining expert insights from culinary enthusiasts and our own experiences with various toaster ovens, we've curated a selection of top-notch toaster ovens that cater to a range of cooking needs and preferences. Whether you're looking for a compact toaster oven for quick snacks, a versatile multi-function unit, or a high-end appliance with advanced cooking capabilities, there's a toaster oven on this list that will elevate your culinary experience. Remember, the best toaster oven for you is one that aligns with your specific cooking requirements and enhances your everyday meal preparation.
2024.01.21 05:03 KevinR1990 Jennifer's Body (2009) [Horror/Comedy, Teen, Possession]
Jennifer's Body (2009)
Rated R for sexuality, bloody violence, language and brief drug use (unrated version reviewed)
Score: 4 out of 5
At this stage, pointing out that critics and moviegoers in 2009 were completely wrong about Jennifer's Body is about as much of a hot take as saying that they were completely wrong about The Thing back in 1982. The story of how 20th Century Fox's short-lived youth-focused genre label Fox Atomic screwed over this movie's marketing because they had no idea what to do with it, and how their strategy of selling a very queer, very feminist horror-comedy as trashy softcore erotica aimed at the Spike TV fratbro set (as seen with the poster above) predictably backfired, is a long and sordid one that doesn't bear much repeating at this point. It's a movie that bombed badly when it came out and did lasting damage to the careers of both its lead actress Megan Fox and its screenwriter Diablo Cody, but went on to build its reputation on home video and streaming such that it's now talked about as one of the greatest horror movies of its time, and one of the greatest teen horror movies ever made. Lisa Frankenstein, a new horror-comedy written by Cody that comes out next month, is currently being explicitly marketed as "from Diablo Cody, acclaimed writer of Jennifer's Body," whereas if it had been made ten years ago, the trailers would not have even dared to mention her name.
I was one of the people who did see it when it came out, and even back then, I recall enjoying it and wondering why so much hatred was being hurled at a movie that was, at worst, pretty decent. Watching it again now, in 2024? It's a movie that it feels like it predicted every anxiety of young Americans, and especially teenage girls and young women, in the fifteen years to come, an incredibly smart, dark, gothic, stylish, and twisted movie whose comedic streak does little to take away from its scares and which is buoyed by a standout performance from Amanda Seyfried. Yes, it has its flaws. The jokes about Cody's too-cool-for-school dialogue at times becoming downright cringeworthy have been long since run into the ground (even if I think the problem is a bit overstated), and Fox was always a fairly limited actress even if this movie plays to her strengths. But on the whole, its problems, while real, are minor and not debilitating, and I had a blast watching it as both a straightforward teen fright flick and as a movie with more on its mind.
The plot is broadly similar to Ginger Snaps, a film with which this makes a great double feature, on a bigger Hollywood budget. Two teenage girls, Jennifer Check and Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, in the small podunk town of Devil's Kettle, Minnesota have been best friends since childhood, but while Jennifer has grown up into a beautiful cheerleader and the most popular girl in school, Needy has grown up into a dorky outsider who it seems is only still friends with Jennifer because they've always been friends (and perhaps... something more). One night, while heading down to a local bar to see an emo band called Low Shoulder, a fire breaks out and kills scores of people, with Needy and Jennifer escaping and Jennifer accepting an offer from the band to head home in their totally sweet, not-at-all-creepy van. Later that night, Jennifer comes to Needy's house looking like a bloody mess, eating rotisserie chicken straight out of her fridge, vomiting up black bile, and attacking her... only for her to suddenly come to school the next day looking no worse for wear and, if anything, both more beautiful than ever and an even bigger asshole than she was before. Needy suspects that something is up, and as it turns out, she's right: that night after the concert fire, Low Shoulder took the classic route to rock & roll superstardom and sacrificed Jennifer to Satan. Unfortunately, their victim wasn't a virgin like they believed she was, and so Jennifer came back from the dead possessed by a succubus who seduces her male classmates before eating them.
Both then and now, most of the discourse around this film has concerned its literal poster girl, Megan Fox. Having seen her in quite a few movies over the years, I've come to have a mixed opinion of Fox's acting. Hollywood did do her dirty for bluntly calling out the problems she encountered working in the film industry as an "it girl", but at the same time, she doesn't have much range, and even without the backlash, her career trajectory likely would've been less Margot Robbie or Scarlett Johansson than Jessica Alba (minus the business career that made her far more money than she ever did as an actress) or Bo Derek: a sex symbol whose roles would've slowly but surely dried up once she turned 30. However, while she is a fairly limited instrument as an actor, she isn't wholly untalented, and this film makes the absolute best use of those talents. It doesn't really ask much of her except to play a villainous version of her stock screen persona, a gorgeous, kinda haughty young woman who uses her body to get ahead in (un)life, and occasionally mug for the camera, and she absolutely nails it. Jennifer is a creative twist on the standard possession movie plot, one where the demonic shift in the possession victim's personality manifests in the form of her turning into a grotesque caricature of a high school "queen bee" like Regina George in Mean Girls, an utter shitheel who laughs at the suffering of her classmates even as they grieve the deaths of their friends. She may literally eat teenage boys alive, but the actions of hers that best reveal the depths of her monstrosity are those that feel all too human. Fox owns the part and makes it her own, such that I'm not surprised at how many of her scenes in this have been immortalized as gifs on Tumblr and clips on TikTok.
And it was watching the effects of that monstrosity flow through the lives of the people who knew Jennifer's victims that something clicked. One of the big things that retrospective analyses of this movie have focused on is its treatment of rape culture, especially as represented in Nikolai Wolf, the frontman of Low Shoulder. But watching the film again in 2024, I noticed something else. It's the feeling of helplessness that slowly but surely comes over the school, with everybody growing numb and fatigued to tragedy as the "cannibal serial killer" claims more victims right on the heels of the massive concert disaster while the adults are unable to stop any of it -- everyone, that is, except the one who treats it as one big joke and relishes in it like a troll. This may have been a movie made in 2009 about children of the 2000s, but even with its extremely MySpace-era emo aesthetics, it felt like a movie about children of the 2010s raised in a world of rampant mass shootings, religious extremism, resurgent bigotry, raging sexism, shrinking economic opportunity, and countless other social ills while nobody seemed to know how to fix it. Jennifer may be an iconic, catty, and sexy villain who gets many (though not all) of the best lines and scenes, but if you ask me, it's Needy, the one who finally says "no" and resolves to do what nobody else will no matter what it costs her, who's the reason this movie endures. Watching her fight Jennifer was like watching somebody throw down with every wiseass troll who thinks that school shootings, beheading videos, and tiki torch rallies are awesome as their sick way of telling the world that it's "cringe" to care about anything. Yes, it's clear watching this that Cody doesn't really know how teenagers speak, but she managed to capture how they think remarkably well.
When it came to Needy, this movie needed a world-class actress, and fortunately, it found one in Amanda Seyfried. The film practically acknowledges the ridiculousness of trying to frame her as "unattractive", but she manages to pull it off anyway. Watching the intro flashing forward to her locked up in a psychiatric hospital (letting us know early on that this is not going to end well), then jumping back to two months prior when we see her as a meek, bespectacled nerd looking longingly at a still-living Jennifer during a pep rally to the point that one of her classmates thinks she's a closeted lesbian (which, as we later see, may very well be the case), it's hard to believe that they're the same person, but Seyfried manages to make Needy's transformation from a cute girl next door who looks awkward in "alternative" clothes when heading to the concert to a hardened, shell-shocked survivor feel genuine. With Jennifer serving mainly as a monster and a symbol more than a character after she dies and comes back, it's largely on Needy to carry the film's emotional core, her heartbreak at watching one of her closest friendships turn toxic, and I bought every minute of it. This, as much as Mamma Mia!, was the movie that should've indicated that Seyfried was going places as a gifted and genuinely fearless actress, and I'm not surprised that her career would ultimately outlast the hype she first received in her youth.
Most of this film's comedy comes from its supporting cast, a who's who of both contemporary teen stars and older comedy actors. J. K. Simmons plays the science teacher Mr. Wroblewski about as far from his iconic J. Jonah Jameson performance as he can but still managed to make his dry, stern authority figure amusing. The clique of goth kids led by Kyle Gallner's Colin is a hilarious parody of the "edgy" youth counterculture of the era, a group of kids whose obsession with the aesthetics of death and misery seemingly makes them better suited than anyone else to live in the hostile world Jennifer creates with her murders, only for it to create some serious blind spots not just in their interactions with Jennifer but also in their sense of good taste. In the unrated cut that I watched, Bill Fagerbakke steals the show playing the father of one of Jennifer's victims, utterly devouring the one scene he's in where he mourns his son's death and swears vengeance on his killer in one of the most creatively graphic ways I've ever heard -- all while using the same voice he uses when playing Patrick Star on SpongeBob SquarePants. Johnny Simmons (no relation to J. K.) makes for a likable romantic partner to Needy as her boyfriend Chip, enough to make up for a fairly underwritten part, less like a character and more like a gender-flipped version of the stock "girlfriend" characters you see in movies with male heroes. Chip and Needy get what may just be the cutest and most awkward sex scene I've ever watched, one where neither of them really knows what they're doing but each of them wants to make sure that the other is having as much fun doing it as they are. There's definitely a sense of idealization in his character, like Cody was writing the kind of boyfriend she wished she had in high school.
Finally, we come to Adam Brody as Nikolai, the film's secondary villain and the man responsible for everything that goes wrong. In hindsight, the idea of a sappy emo musician who, behind the scenes, is as much a depraved rock star as any classic metal god, which originally came off as a joke, is one that turned out to be shockingly prescient of what a lot of Warped Tour emo, pop-punk, and scene bands were actually like behind the scenes. Not only do he and his band kill Jennifer after they're initially presented as "merely" rapists (and even after, the metaphors aren't exactly subtle), he ruthlessly exploits the aftermath of the concert fire to ever-greater heights of fame and fortune, implicitly the work of the Devil holding up his end of the bargain, all while casually insulting the town where it happened and, by extension, the memories of the victims. Low Shoulder's hit song "Through the Trees" is heard throughout the film to the point where it feels like it's taunting Needy, the one person who knows the truth about their "heroism" during the fire, how they in fact left dozens of people to die instead of trying to save them and how it's implied that the fire was, in fact, their fault (whether it was negligence or malice, it's never stated). Jennifer may have been evil, but the things that had been done to her to turn her into a monster made her a tragic villain nonetheless. I felt no such pity for Nikolai, with Brody playing him as a swaggering and spiteful bastard who I wanted to see suffer.
Karyn Kusama's direction, when paired with the visual design and the 2000s aesthetics dripping off this film, gives it a tone that I could perhaps best describe as gothic. Not just in the fashion sense of certain characters, but also in the heightened, old-school approach it takes to staging many of its scenes. It felt like she had been very informed by classic horror in a manner almost akin to Tim Burton at times, albeit with his brand of whimsy swapped out for black comedy. This is an incredibly moody film even in its funnier moments, serving to underline the grim nature of a lot of the humor here and lend it a dark edge. It feels sexy without feeling sleazy, perhaps best evidenced by the famous lesbian kiss scene, which puts the focus squarely on the characters' faces and plays the situation as something disturbing. Yes, you're watching Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried passionately making out for a good solid minute or so, but you're also watching Jennifer manipulate Needy and exploit the feelings she has for her in order to torment her that much further. At every step of the way, this is a film that knows what it's doing, and it does it well.
The Bottom Line
It does have its minor annoyances, but this is still a movie that deserved the reevaluation it's received, and one that stands the test of time as a classic of teen horror, queer horror, and feminist horror even if its fashions and soundtrack are carbon-dated to 2009.
https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2024/01/review-jennifers-body-2009.html>
submitted by KevinR1990 to HorrorReviewed [link] [comments]
Rated R for sexuality, bloody violence, language and brief drug use (unrated version reviewed)
Score: 4 out of 5
At this stage, pointing out that critics and moviegoers in 2009 were completely wrong about Jennifer's Body is about as much of a hot take as saying that they were completely wrong about The Thing back in 1982. The story of how 20th Century Fox's short-lived youth-focused genre label Fox Atomic screwed over this movie's marketing because they had no idea what to do with it, and how their strategy of selling a very queer, very feminist horror-comedy as trashy softcore erotica aimed at the Spike TV fratbro set (as seen with the poster above) predictably backfired, is a long and sordid one that doesn't bear much repeating at this point. It's a movie that bombed badly when it came out and did lasting damage to the careers of both its lead actress Megan Fox and its screenwriter Diablo Cody, but went on to build its reputation on home video and streaming such that it's now talked about as one of the greatest horror movies of its time, and one of the greatest teen horror movies ever made. Lisa Frankenstein, a new horror-comedy written by Cody that comes out next month, is currently being explicitly marketed as "from Diablo Cody, acclaimed writer of Jennifer's Body," whereas if it had been made ten years ago, the trailers would not have even dared to mention her name.
I was one of the people who did see it when it came out, and even back then, I recall enjoying it and wondering why so much hatred was being hurled at a movie that was, at worst, pretty decent. Watching it again now, in 2024? It's a movie that it feels like it predicted every anxiety of young Americans, and especially teenage girls and young women, in the fifteen years to come, an incredibly smart, dark, gothic, stylish, and twisted movie whose comedic streak does little to take away from its scares and which is buoyed by a standout performance from Amanda Seyfried. Yes, it has its flaws. The jokes about Cody's too-cool-for-school dialogue at times becoming downright cringeworthy have been long since run into the ground (even if I think the problem is a bit overstated), and Fox was always a fairly limited actress even if this movie plays to her strengths. But on the whole, its problems, while real, are minor and not debilitating, and I had a blast watching it as both a straightforward teen fright flick and as a movie with more on its mind.
The plot is broadly similar to Ginger Snaps, a film with which this makes a great double feature, on a bigger Hollywood budget. Two teenage girls, Jennifer Check and Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, in the small podunk town of Devil's Kettle, Minnesota have been best friends since childhood, but while Jennifer has grown up into a beautiful cheerleader and the most popular girl in school, Needy has grown up into a dorky outsider who it seems is only still friends with Jennifer because they've always been friends (and perhaps... something more). One night, while heading down to a local bar to see an emo band called Low Shoulder, a fire breaks out and kills scores of people, with Needy and Jennifer escaping and Jennifer accepting an offer from the band to head home in their totally sweet, not-at-all-creepy van. Later that night, Jennifer comes to Needy's house looking like a bloody mess, eating rotisserie chicken straight out of her fridge, vomiting up black bile, and attacking her... only for her to suddenly come to school the next day looking no worse for wear and, if anything, both more beautiful than ever and an even bigger asshole than she was before. Needy suspects that something is up, and as it turns out, she's right: that night after the concert fire, Low Shoulder took the classic route to rock & roll superstardom and sacrificed Jennifer to Satan. Unfortunately, their victim wasn't a virgin like they believed she was, and so Jennifer came back from the dead possessed by a succubus who seduces her male classmates before eating them.
Both then and now, most of the discourse around this film has concerned its literal poster girl, Megan Fox. Having seen her in quite a few movies over the years, I've come to have a mixed opinion of Fox's acting. Hollywood did do her dirty for bluntly calling out the problems she encountered working in the film industry as an "it girl", but at the same time, she doesn't have much range, and even without the backlash, her career trajectory likely would've been less Margot Robbie or Scarlett Johansson than Jessica Alba (minus the business career that made her far more money than she ever did as an actress) or Bo Derek: a sex symbol whose roles would've slowly but surely dried up once she turned 30. However, while she is a fairly limited instrument as an actor, she isn't wholly untalented, and this film makes the absolute best use of those talents. It doesn't really ask much of her except to play a villainous version of her stock screen persona, a gorgeous, kinda haughty young woman who uses her body to get ahead in (un)life, and occasionally mug for the camera, and she absolutely nails it. Jennifer is a creative twist on the standard possession movie plot, one where the demonic shift in the possession victim's personality manifests in the form of her turning into a grotesque caricature of a high school "queen bee" like Regina George in Mean Girls, an utter shitheel who laughs at the suffering of her classmates even as they grieve the deaths of their friends. She may literally eat teenage boys alive, but the actions of hers that best reveal the depths of her monstrosity are those that feel all too human. Fox owns the part and makes it her own, such that I'm not surprised at how many of her scenes in this have been immortalized as gifs on Tumblr and clips on TikTok.
And it was watching the effects of that monstrosity flow through the lives of the people who knew Jennifer's victims that something clicked. One of the big things that retrospective analyses of this movie have focused on is its treatment of rape culture, especially as represented in Nikolai Wolf, the frontman of Low Shoulder. But watching the film again in 2024, I noticed something else. It's the feeling of helplessness that slowly but surely comes over the school, with everybody growing numb and fatigued to tragedy as the "cannibal serial killer" claims more victims right on the heels of the massive concert disaster while the adults are unable to stop any of it -- everyone, that is, except the one who treats it as one big joke and relishes in it like a troll. This may have been a movie made in 2009 about children of the 2000s, but even with its extremely MySpace-era emo aesthetics, it felt like a movie about children of the 2010s raised in a world of rampant mass shootings, religious extremism, resurgent bigotry, raging sexism, shrinking economic opportunity, and countless other social ills while nobody seemed to know how to fix it. Jennifer may be an iconic, catty, and sexy villain who gets many (though not all) of the best lines and scenes, but if you ask me, it's Needy, the one who finally says "no" and resolves to do what nobody else will no matter what it costs her, who's the reason this movie endures. Watching her fight Jennifer was like watching somebody throw down with every wiseass troll who thinks that school shootings, beheading videos, and tiki torch rallies are awesome as their sick way of telling the world that it's "cringe" to care about anything. Yes, it's clear watching this that Cody doesn't really know how teenagers speak, but she managed to capture how they think remarkably well.
When it came to Needy, this movie needed a world-class actress, and fortunately, it found one in Amanda Seyfried. The film practically acknowledges the ridiculousness of trying to frame her as "unattractive", but she manages to pull it off anyway. Watching the intro flashing forward to her locked up in a psychiatric hospital (letting us know early on that this is not going to end well), then jumping back to two months prior when we see her as a meek, bespectacled nerd looking longingly at a still-living Jennifer during a pep rally to the point that one of her classmates thinks she's a closeted lesbian (which, as we later see, may very well be the case), it's hard to believe that they're the same person, but Seyfried manages to make Needy's transformation from a cute girl next door who looks awkward in "alternative" clothes when heading to the concert to a hardened, shell-shocked survivor feel genuine. With Jennifer serving mainly as a monster and a symbol more than a character after she dies and comes back, it's largely on Needy to carry the film's emotional core, her heartbreak at watching one of her closest friendships turn toxic, and I bought every minute of it. This, as much as Mamma Mia!, was the movie that should've indicated that Seyfried was going places as a gifted and genuinely fearless actress, and I'm not surprised that her career would ultimately outlast the hype she first received in her youth.
Most of this film's comedy comes from its supporting cast, a who's who of both contemporary teen stars and older comedy actors. J. K. Simmons plays the science teacher Mr. Wroblewski about as far from his iconic J. Jonah Jameson performance as he can but still managed to make his dry, stern authority figure amusing. The clique of goth kids led by Kyle Gallner's Colin is a hilarious parody of the "edgy" youth counterculture of the era, a group of kids whose obsession with the aesthetics of death and misery seemingly makes them better suited than anyone else to live in the hostile world Jennifer creates with her murders, only for it to create some serious blind spots not just in their interactions with Jennifer but also in their sense of good taste. In the unrated cut that I watched, Bill Fagerbakke steals the show playing the father of one of Jennifer's victims, utterly devouring the one scene he's in where he mourns his son's death and swears vengeance on his killer in one of the most creatively graphic ways I've ever heard -- all while using the same voice he uses when playing Patrick Star on SpongeBob SquarePants. Johnny Simmons (no relation to J. K.) makes for a likable romantic partner to Needy as her boyfriend Chip, enough to make up for a fairly underwritten part, less like a character and more like a gender-flipped version of the stock "girlfriend" characters you see in movies with male heroes. Chip and Needy get what may just be the cutest and most awkward sex scene I've ever watched, one where neither of them really knows what they're doing but each of them wants to make sure that the other is having as much fun doing it as they are. There's definitely a sense of idealization in his character, like Cody was writing the kind of boyfriend she wished she had in high school.
Finally, we come to Adam Brody as Nikolai, the film's secondary villain and the man responsible for everything that goes wrong. In hindsight, the idea of a sappy emo musician who, behind the scenes, is as much a depraved rock star as any classic metal god, which originally came off as a joke, is one that turned out to be shockingly prescient of what a lot of Warped Tour emo, pop-punk, and scene bands were actually like behind the scenes. Not only do he and his band kill Jennifer after they're initially presented as "merely" rapists (and even after, the metaphors aren't exactly subtle), he ruthlessly exploits the aftermath of the concert fire to ever-greater heights of fame and fortune, implicitly the work of the Devil holding up his end of the bargain, all while casually insulting the town where it happened and, by extension, the memories of the victims. Low Shoulder's hit song "Through the Trees" is heard throughout the film to the point where it feels like it's taunting Needy, the one person who knows the truth about their "heroism" during the fire, how they in fact left dozens of people to die instead of trying to save them and how it's implied that the fire was, in fact, their fault (whether it was negligence or malice, it's never stated). Jennifer may have been evil, but the things that had been done to her to turn her into a monster made her a tragic villain nonetheless. I felt no such pity for Nikolai, with Brody playing him as a swaggering and spiteful bastard who I wanted to see suffer.
Karyn Kusama's direction, when paired with the visual design and the 2000s aesthetics dripping off this film, gives it a tone that I could perhaps best describe as gothic. Not just in the fashion sense of certain characters, but also in the heightened, old-school approach it takes to staging many of its scenes. It felt like she had been very informed by classic horror in a manner almost akin to Tim Burton at times, albeit with his brand of whimsy swapped out for black comedy. This is an incredibly moody film even in its funnier moments, serving to underline the grim nature of a lot of the humor here and lend it a dark edge. It feels sexy without feeling sleazy, perhaps best evidenced by the famous lesbian kiss scene, which puts the focus squarely on the characters' faces and plays the situation as something disturbing. Yes, you're watching Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried passionately making out for a good solid minute or so, but you're also watching Jennifer manipulate Needy and exploit the feelings she has for her in order to torment her that much further. At every step of the way, this is a film that knows what it's doing, and it does it well.
The Bottom Line
It does have its minor annoyances, but this is still a movie that deserved the reevaluation it's received, and one that stands the test of time as a classic of teen horror, queer horror, and feminist horror even if its fashions and soundtrack are carbon-dated to 2009.
2023.12.04 01:19 Trash_Tia It’s not every day you wake up on a deserted island on your birthday.
Ever since I was twelve years old, I have been waking up on the same island.
It started like lucid dreaming, a world I wasn’t part of—more of an image in my head. But as I grew up, it became something more.
Something I could touch, feel, taste, and sense around me. It was as real as my own reality, and this is where things started to get blurry. On my thirteenth birthday, I started to slowly bleed into this world, both through my body and mind. I did not just exist in this world.
I was part of it. I had a life on it. I had thoughts that were not mine, worries, and struggles that were alien to me.
I was aware I was sitting on sand that prickled between my toes. I could stand up and take slow strides towards the sea, reveling in the cool water lapping across my ankles. I could smell the salt in the air and the stench of my own BO ingrained into my skin. This island is not a paradise.
The sky is never blue, and when it is, I am hidden in the shade, watching the shoreline from afar. Fourteen years old, and I am no longer standing on the beach. I am… running. I wake up running, throwing myself through blurs of green.
Trees.
I can hear my own strangled breaths and feel my arms catapulting me into the thick brush that hits me in the face.
I do not care about the uneven ground, navigating it easily, and like an animal, I throw myself deeper and deeper. When I come to a stop, I twist around, sensing every flash of movement, my toes primed in damp soil. I have a goal, but I am not sure what it is. I tip my head back and peer through the thick canopy of green shading the sky. The sun’s shadow dances across the horizon.
I am losing precious light. I need to eat.
The sudden snap of a branch contorts my body back to attention.
There.
I sense the heartbeat in my ears, strained breaths sending shivers creeping down my spine.
THUD THUD.
THUD THUD.
THUD THUD
It’s injured.
Movement ahead of me. It’s limping. I can see the way it stumbles in the brush, struggling to stand. I start forward with heavy breaths, a deep cavernous hole twisting me inside out, and a fog in my mind that drives away all logical thought. I can’t think. I don’t think. I am so hungry.
That is what drives me closer, what tangles my feet in the ground. All I can think about is every hesitant step I take, holding out my arms like I won’t hurt it as I close in on my dinner. I am already fantasizing about ripping it open and drinking from its guts, guzzling down glistening insides. I imagine frosty cans of soda and Mom’s chicken pot pie.
Chocolate cake oozing with frosting.
It’s a deer.
The first deer I’ve seen in a long time.
But I’m not the only one looking for it.
It’s been 248 of my breaths since I saw it. 235 since the others gave chase.
They saw it first.
But it’s always been finders keepers.
Footsteps around me, shrill giggles, and cat-calls that boil my blood. I can taste their excitement and even my own. I am salivating.
But so are they.
There are three of them at the corner of my eye, and another two behind me. I go through my options. There is nothing to use as a weapon, and I am too weak to fight. I can retreat, but that means no food. I can join them, but surely that will entail I give them something. I lost all of them to the oblivion that drowns us. I am the last one with thought. I am the last human. I don’t do… what they do to survive. So, I must fucking eat. Slowly, I drop onto my hands and knees and start to crawl through the dirt. It’s so close.
I can see hoof marks on the ground. The sound of the river is a relief. I’ve made it. The animal is drinking deep, guzzling from a small stream. My mouth waters, drool pooling down my chin. It just makes me more thirsty. Another branch snaps.
I remember the feeling of my body being driven with adrenaline, trees whipping at my hair and scarring my face as I dive into a sprint. I know it’s a trap. But I’m losing precious sunlight. The deer is inches away.
I slip my hands into my pouch, my fingers inching slowly around the handle of my knife. I am surrounded.
They announce their presence with animal-like chitters and giggles.
Something flies over my head with perfect precision, piercing through the deer’s lower body. I don’t know what possessed me to attempt to take their kill. It’s not even theirs. They don’t eat animal meat. They don’t want the deer. They want me.
This is just another game.
I am a pawn, and they control the board.
They circle around me, and my throat is too dry to tell them to back off.
I am too weak to fight for my territory when they already have it.
I have lost. But I keep going, even when they start screaming at me, warning me with vicious snarls. I am dizzy, my thoughts tangled, and my lips spread into a grin as I take one step, and then two, drunk on the idea of meat. I am already mapping exactly where I will make the first cut, and how much fat and meat I can savor. Then, reality hits. I don’t have a knife. I lost it 1,985 breaths ago.
Instead, my hands wrap around nothing.
My pouch is empty.
I just have the remnants of the ragged pieces of my shirt soaked in salt for a snack. Footsteps get closer, but I don’t move. I am still edging closer to the animal, hypnotized by the sharp smear of red soaking the earth.
It soaks my toes, warm and wet—and I find myself liking it. I drop onto my knees fist up handfuls of blood-soaked dirt and stuff it into my mouth. It tastes so good. It tastes like chocolate cake. I am laughing when fingers tangle in my ponytail and yank me back, rough arms wrapping themselves around me, clammy hands slamming over my mouth. I don’t scream when the cool blade dances across my throat.
Instead, I start to wonder if maybe they have been right all along. I wonder if the flesh of my throat tastes better than dirt and leather soup. My fifteenth birthday was far more real. I couldn’t call it a dream anymore. I couldn’t call it a lucid dream or a psychotic break. This was happening to me. This time there was no sea, no river, or running. Instead, I am sitting cross-legged in front of a fire. There are shadows around me without faces. I try to move, but I can’t. Sixteen was the same, but there was no fire.
I am leaning against a wall, chunks cut out of me. I no longer have my right arm, and my lower leg had already been marked for the next feast.
I can’t move. Someone kneels in front of me and I try and inch away, a cry strangled in my throat. They grab hold of my chin and force me to look at them, narrow fingers prying open my mouth and forcing water down my throat.
The water is salty.
I try to spit it out, my body automatically rejecting it, but that makes them more forceful.
When I’ve drunk enough, they let go of me, and my body relaxes, my head hanging.
Living flesh is so much tastier.
I know that because I have tasted myself, charred, raw, and cooked to perfection. That was my last thought before my vision blurred, and I was waking up in my bed—my own life. It wasn’t real.
That’s what I told myself.
So, how could I still taste the seawater in my mouth? I woke to my pillows soaked with my drool, a strangled scream still tangled on my tongue. I could still feel the chunks taken out of me, my severed arm and leg that had been gnawed on. I knew exactly what I tasted like. The flavor was still in my mouth no matter how many times I stuck my fingers, and then my fist, down my throat.
I thought about therapy, but what exactly was I supposed to say?
This year was entirely different from my other birthdays.
I awakened to a rhythmic drumming and the dull glow of a fire.
This time the shadows have faces. I don’t recognize them. I am smiling, as a boy wearing a crown of thorns entangled in bone kneels in front of me. In his hands is a chocolate cake lit with dancing flames.
I count each one.
There are more than sixteen candles, but I don’t care. The boy’s smile is carved into the dark, eyes illuminated blurred orange.
He gently places the giant chocolate cake on the wooden table in front of me.
I don’t look at the smears of scarlet and entrails stained to it.
I look at the cake. It’s so beautiful. My mouth waters. I reach to carve my fingers into it, and my hands are slapped away.
“Dude,” the boy chuckled. He picked up a blade sitting on the table and pressed it into my fist. There is no real light in his eyes. The light I used to know, what ignited his humanity—what I loved, has been replaced with a hollow gleam that only knows how to hunt and feed. He entangles his fingers in mine as I stare, hypnotized by candlelight. He leans close to me, his cool breath tickling my ear.
“Make a wish first.”
I can't see an identity, only a crown of bone sitting on dark curls. Starving eyes.
His voice is both familiar and not. The others echoed his words and the exact movement of his lips. I do. I close my eyes and make a wish. The drumming grows louder when I blow out my candles, only for them to reignite, something writhing across the skin of my arms. I can already feel it bleeding into me in the form of wriggling insects filling my mouth, skittering up and down my spine. It’s delving into my mind, already burning away what I fought to protect. But I want to eat. I want to fill myself up until I am bulging, until I can’t eat anymore.
I don’t want to stop.
I want to eat until I burst open.
The others start to laugh, animalistic shrieks pushing me to take the first slice. I let the blade sink in, and the satisfaction of watching it penetrate each layer makes me salivate. Thick buttercream filling escapes from within and I lapped it up. The taste sends me into a frenzy.
Then, the rest of us. The others are crowding around me. First, they are hesitant, stumbling back and then slowly moving closer, noses wrinkling. It doesn't take them long before they strike, each of them delving deep into the cake. I watch them, mesmerized by what stains their faces, caught in their teeth, and dripping down their chin. Cake.
Swallowing hard, I couldn’t stop myself, carving my fingernails into rich frosting and stuffing it into my mouth, a moan slipping from my lips. I started slowly and grew ravenous. A figure next to me grasps holds of wet dripping chocolate, and I snatched it off of him, squawking out in protest. The cake starts to look less like a cake, and more like something else entirely. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined more layers instead of prickly bones I was skimming my fingers over.
I couldn't stop myself. I was gorging, choking on chocolate buttercream and frosting when a shrill squeak sliced into my mind, snapping me back to reality.
“Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?!
My vision blurred, shadowy figures covered in sharp shades of red morphing into my mother’s favorite kitchen tiles.
Mom's cry jerked me back to fruition.
I blinked rapidly, swallowing something slimy wriggling its way back up my throat. The taste of the cake was very real in my mouth, chocolate spew dribbling down my chin. I could already feel my cheeks starting to burn. The refrigerator was open, casting me in warm golden light. I was standing in my kitchen covered in what had been my seventeenth birthday cake.
The majority of it was smeared all over my mouth, while the rest was crushed on the floor. It wasn’t just the cake. Somehow, I’d managed to go through three packs of cookies, half of a rotisserie chicken, and the leftovers from dinner.
Looking down at myself, I was oozing chocolate cake. It was caked into my fingernails and smeared all over my pajamas. Mom was standing in the doorway, her lips twisted with silent fury, my older brother peeking behind the door. My stomach twisted suddenly, chocolate-coated bile filling my mouth.
I didn't have an explanation for this.
Part of me was still searching for that part of me back on the island, feasting on something wet and slimy.
Raising my chocolaty hands in a sort of surrender, I struggled to speak through chunks of cake I had to spit out. "I'm... I’m sorry," I managed to say, like this was some Saturday morning cartoon. I didn't think my Mom's eyes could pop out of her head, but they were close. In the back of my eyes, I could still see the glow of the fire, vicious stains of red dripping from the table, pooling on the ground, staining me.
"I was…hungry.”
I caught my brother’s amused smirk.
“We can see that. You’ve eaten half the refrigerator.”
“Kit,” Mom hissed at him to leave, and he did, after scraping a piece of chocolate cake from the packaging on the counter and darting out of the room. “Sweetie, what happened?”
Swiping my hands on my pyjama shirt, that feral instinct still contorted inside me telling me to back away from her. My mom was a threat.
“Hey,” she held up her hands. Her eyes were wide, fearful, almost like she understood. “It’s okay, baby."
Mom was slowly making her way over to me, her expression twisting from anger to confusion, and then sympathy.
I knew what she was thinking already. I felt sudden revulsion, tears stinging my eyes. It took two strides for me to make it to the faucet, and I choked up undigested pieces of cake and lumps of chicken. The chicken looked too slimy, too wet—too red, hitting the bottom of the sink. Fuck.
Mom held my hair back, and I was trembling, trying to speak through my twisted lips and heaving stomach projectiling everything I forced down. When the dull glow of flame had faded from my mind, and I was sure I could no longer hear drumming getting closer, I dropped to my knees. “Fee?” Mom was saying my name over and over again, and it took me several seconds to register it.
Fee. That was my name.
I managed to apologize and made for the door, but Mom was already gently leading me to the table and sitting me down. She placed a glass of water in front of me and made me drink it. I didn’t know how to explain it, so I lied. I told her I had been binge eating, and her expression broke my heart. I went back to bed with a thick feeling in my gut. I could still taste seawater.
I didn’t sleep. Instead, I googled symptoms of psychosis. Mom came into my room 4 hours later when my alarm was going off, and I was half asleep, scrolling through Instagram.
Levi Carlisle had posted another one of his conspiracy theory videos. It was about the so-called “curse” on our senior class. I opened up the video, which already had 5 views.
It’s not hard to fearmonger in a school already gripped by paranoia.
Before I could click on the video, which was Levi looking like a junior Philip De Franco, complete with the expression, Mom was peeking through my door with a brand-new cake, my brother trailing behind, sleepy-eyed. I had to guess they had run to Costco earlier to get me another one. I didn’t want to do the whole “happy birthday” thing, after ruining the cake she actually made, but I managed to smile and grit my teeth through her singing, while my brother acted like he was singing against his will.
I followed the two down to breakfast, grabbing coffee and toast.
I happen to be born on an awkward day.
The people in my town don’t celebrate.
They mourn.
October 11th, 1995:
Our school’s entire chess team boarded a flight on a school trip and was never seen again.
Following their disappearance, a series of… unfortunate events have plagued our town’s senior class. Sometimes it skips years, so we never know when it’s going to happen.
October 11th, 2005. Two football players collapsed and died on the field.
October 11th, 2010. Wendy Tate, class valedictorian, fell off the stage during her welcome speech and snapped her neck.
October 11th, 2015. Three senior cheerleaders died after the bus carrying the team drove off a cliff.
October 11th, 2021. Ten students in my brother’s class perished in a fire in the gym.
Kit poured himself a bowl of cereal, throwing me a clumsily wrapped birthday gift. Standing in front of the window, he was more shadow than human, and I could almost pretend his face wasn’t scarred beyond recognition. The present skidded into my lap. “Happy birthday, sis.”
Pulling off the packaging, I was unable to resist my own smile.
Every year for our birthdays, we got each other a “joke gift.”
I held up a Barbie hairbrush, complete with a singing toothbrush.
“Topical.”
He grinned. “I knew you’d like it.”
Mom leaned against the countertop, delicately sipping her coffee. It took her exactly 3 and a half minutes to say exactly what I knew she was going to say. She even laughed at Kit’s joke gift, even when she made it clear they were not allowed.
I could tell she was worried about me either being a binge eater, or worse, the possibility that I could be under the influence of the curse.
“Why don’t you stay home today, honey?”
I noticed the air around us thicken significantly, Mom’s words hanging in the air like spoiled milk. Kit broke the silence, loudly chewing on his cereal. “Mom, she’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know that” she surprised me by snapping at Kit. “Do you want the same thing to happen to your sister?”
Mom was going into panic mode. She washed dishes when she was stressed, and she was already striding over or to the washing-up bowl despite us having a dishwasher. “I’ve been talking to Pastor Worthington,” she didn’t turn around, speaking through heavy breaths. “And he is willing to place protection on the two of you.” Kit shot me a look, and I rolled my eyes.
Pastor Worthington wasn't even a pastor, and I was pretty sure he was scamming my mother, taking advantage of her pain. Every year she managed to convince herself it was all her fault. Mom never talked about being in the same class as the missing chess team. When we were little kids, she mentioned that she lost some friends when she was younger. I remember being five years old and standing under a big tree while Mom held a bouquet of flowers, her head bowed in prayer.
When we almost lost Kit, she was convinced the missing 1995 kids were punishing her from the great beyond. “Here we goooo,” Kit mumbled into his orange juice with an overexaggerated eye-roll.
“I’m okay,” I said through a mouthful of toast, “I’m going to the memorial game tonight.” I knew my words had stung, because Mom did that thing when her nose scrunches, lips pursing. For the last few years, she had done everything she could to keep me away from school on October 11th. Even when it was only seniors who were affected. I moved to the faucet to dump my plate, and I could feel her eyes burning into me.
I looked up, my gaze flicking to Kit, who was staring down at his phone. Mom did her best to avoid his eyes. When she meant to look at him, she focused on me instead. It hurt her to see him. The morning before he left for school, three years ago, she told him that curses did not exist, and nothing was going to happen to him.
I remember being in my sophomore year, excited to start school, and Kit joking about the curse. Mom told him to grow up.
Seven hours later, our school gym had been set alight, and eight students were dead, with Kit in the ICU, and another kid barely clinging to life.
He died. Kit lived.
I knew her dismissive words that morning still drove my mother crazy. It was why she quit her job as a nurse and started drinking. I almost lost my brother. It was a miracle that he survived, and somehow our relationship had not changed over the years. It was still meaningless and stupid sibling banter. Kit dropped his spoon. “It’s cool, Mom,” he said, shooting her a wide smile, “I’m going too, so I’ll look after her.” He shot me a look which definitely said he wasn’t planning on going, and that I would have to find another ride home. Kit hadn’t even attended his classmates’ funeral.
The town thought he was selfish, but he had broken down three times since their deaths. Mom said it was survivors guilt. I had a hard time looking at him that morning, early morning sunlight alleviating his profile; thick strands of dark hair sitting under his usual baseball cap.
He was already dressed for the day as usual. Most likely because he hasn’t slept. Kit was still handsome. Before the fire, he was taking his friends to homecoming, the four of them in some polycule thing.
Then he lost them and stopped looking after himself completely. Kit let his beard grow out, which weirdly suited him, and Mom had to force him to get a haircut. The entire left side of his face was scarred tissue and attempted skin grafts, bulging red skin flaps stitched down.
He sent me a questioning glance, and I had to look away, my early morning dessert binge making a reappearance.
Kit’s face didn’t usually bother me, but that morning there was something about him that stood out.
“You’re staring at me,” my brother grumbled, “And it’s getting kinda weird.”
I bit into my toast, avoiding his raised brow.
Instead of answering him, I came out with a question I didn’t know was suffocating my thoughts.
“Did they ever find the black box?”
Kit kicked me under the table, grumbling a warning.
“What?”
“No,” Mom responded, and the two of us twisted to her. Kit shot me a surprised look. It was rare when she talked about her missing classmates.
Sometimes I forgot they were even in her class. If either of us mentioned that doomed flight, we were shut down. Mom continued scrubbing at plates. I noticed she was repeatedly washing the same plate over and over again.
“No, they never found anything.”
I nodded slowly, another question bubbling in my mouth—words that were not mine.
“Where were they going again?"
Mom dropped a plate in the faucet, and the loud clang made me jump.
Even Kit winced a little.
“Fee, I think that’s enough questions.”
“They were going to the chess championships,” I kept going, even when Kit kicked me again. I couldn’t stop. “But why is there no news about it?”
“Fee.” Kit really went to town on making sure the toe of his shoe went right into my kneecap. “Read the room.”
“No, it’s okay,” Mom cleared her throat and turned to face us. Her hands were bright red from the boiling hot water. “There was no news because the town and families chose to keep it private.
"It is a…” she trailed off, her expression twisting. “It is a town tragedy and will stay one.” Mom didn’t speak for the rest of breakfast. She poured herself a glass of wine and headed upstairs. Probably to down the whole thing. We were used to it, but it still kind of hurt. I was hoping Mom would stay sober for my 17th. With Mom gone, Kit leaned across the table, on his third or fourth helping of cereal.
Jesus, how hungry was he?
“What the fuck was that?”
I stood up instead of answering him. “I was just curious. "
“Curious?” Kit leaned on his fist. “You haven’t spoken about mom’s classmates since we were little kids, and you bring them up today of all days?”
I grabbed my backpack. “So?”
“So,” Kit narrowed his eyes. “Is there something wrong?” He cocked his head. “We’re really not going to talk about you café-de-cake this morning?” For a moment, my brother’s voice was drowned out by a drum beat. I heard them in my head like they were close, getting closer with each of my strangled breaths. It was almost like a heartbeat.
I lost myself in the drumming, in blurred shadows dancing in my peripheral.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
“Hey!”
I blinked, and Kit was nose to nose with me clapping his hands in my face.
I shrugged, pasting on a smile. “I was hungry.”
Kit held up his bowl of cereal. “This is hungry, Fee,” he nodded to the leftover smears of chocolate cake on the counter. “Whatever that was? That was fucking ravenous.”
I really did not want to have this conversation with him. “Can you not be Mom for like, two seconds?"
He scoffed. "Well, she's not being one right now, is she? Mom is doing what she always does on your birthday. Running away."
That stung, but he was right.
"You're an asshole."
"I'm your brother," he sighed. "I have to be." Kit paused. “You should probably rethink going to school, Fee."
I didn’t reply, leaving my brother in the kitchen.
I could still feel his gaze burning into the back of my head when I was halfway out of the door. Thankfully, my morning classes were too loud to hear the drums, and even stuck in silence in a bathroom stall or a classroom swamped in a vacuum, there was no sign of them. Levi Carlisle cornered me at lunch, sticking his phone in my face. “Did your Mom agree to an interview?”
I got his email two nights prior. He wanted to interview my mother, the only class of 95 still in town. Levi was an interview away from sending my Mom in a downward spiral if he started spewing his conspiracy theories in her face. I shoved the kid out of the way, as gently as I could.
“She’s sick,” I said dryly, quickening my steps. “If you go near her, you’ll die.”
Levi nodded, struggling to keep up. “Okay, so maybe next week?” he said hurriedly. “I’ve been trying to get in touch with a woman who moved to New York, but she’s like, impoooosible to get hold of. Her daughter keeps answering and telling me to leave her alone, but I think I’m making progress. She was one of the missing’s best friends, so I was thinking I could ask her about their friendship, and then get to the good stuff.” Levi had a weird gleam in his eyes.
I would not be surprised if he broke into our house and held my Mom at gunpoint for an interview.
“Maybe she wants you to leave them alone,” I said, heavily hinting I wanted the exact same thing. I tried to sidestep him, but he was high on getting a good story, eyes alight, no humanity or empathy in sight. The boy danced in front of me like a real reporter. He wasn’t going to give up on this story. "Kit was the only survivor in 2021," he said excitedly. We passed the vigil for the kids lost over the years, and I heard it again.
That same drum beat.
"Don't you think it's a bit weird that your brother was spared while his friends died? He was in the ICU, correct?"
Something slimy prickled across the flesh of my arm. I thought back to my brother’s burns, and the opinion our town had of him. He was a survivor, but in their eyes, he was a coward. He should have run back into the flames. "You're a leech, Levi.”
Levi was oblivious as always, continuing to push. “Well, what do you think about the curse?” He asked instead, and an influx of crawlies slithered down my spine. “Your brother was affected three years ago, right? What if it’s coming after you next?”
His lips curved into the slightest of smirks, and I could almost mistake excitement on his face.
This bastard wanted it to happen.
I opened my mouth to answer him, but then I could hear them again.
Drumming.
Suddenly, all the sound had been sucked out of the world.
I felt myself tip left, and then right, my brain spinning.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
I was paralyzed for a disorienting second, drowning in that darkness once again, that oblivion lit up in orangeade light.
Levi was waving his hands in front of me before another shadow stepped in front of him. The familiar face relieved the pressure building behind my eyes, and I blinked back darkness spotting my vision.
“Hey, Fee," Rowan Bellamy looked disheveled as usual. But his usual wide smile and floppy fringe was like a bout of fresh air. The drums faded in my head, replaced with hallway ambiance. I gathered myself, drinking my friend in.
School was tolerable with him by my side. Rowan was wearing yesterday's sweater over scuffed jeans, toothpaste still staining his bottom lip. I noticed Levi snapping a quick shot with his camera. No doubt for his "worst dressed" weekly column.
“What BS is Carlisle spewing this time?" He shot Levi a grin. "No offense, of course! I'm a huge fan of your weird ass conspiracy videos.”
Levi scowled. “I know you’re being sarcastic.”
“Oh, really?” Rowan folded his arms. “Now, what gave you that idea?”
“It’s not all bullshit,” Levi said. “Something is coming,” he started to back away, lifting his camera for emphasis. “The bugs festering on the sidewalk? How about the mysterious flu that’s making toddlers sick? We’re in the end times now, and we,” he gestured to the three of us. “We’re the catalysts. I think we were chosen by a higher power. That’s why we’re cursed.”
"Like Zeus?"
Levi's lip curled. "Do you take anything seriously?"
Rowan’s smile didn’t waver. He didn’t believe in curses. Rowan just thought we were just really unlucky.
It was hard to get him to believe in anything. According to him, we were alone in the universe, and the paranormal was just another cash grab for gullible people. My best friend was a firm believer in all things science. I think it was a comfort for him. When Kit almost died, he was the closest he had ever been to maybe believe something was going on, before suppressing it.
He started towards Levi with slow, intimidating steps. Levi didn’t back down though. He probably had dirt on Rowan somewhere to humble him. “The bugs are probably because of the storm, it’s flu season, believe it or not. Kids always get sick. It's not the world ending plague you think it is." Rowan laughed, flicking him in the forehead. "There’s no curse, idiot! If there IS a curse and I end up affected, I’ll give you my college fund.” He snapped his fingers. “No, scratch that. I’ll give you my college fund AND my PS5.”
The junior reporter's eyes lit up. “All of it?”
“All 70k of it, baby.”
Levi didn’t say anything, but he did get an odd smile on his face before skulking away to annoy someone else. “That boy is certifiable,” Rowan grumbled, turning to me. “Did you see his latest YouTube video?”
“Did you really just bet away your college fund?”
He rolled his eyes, tipping his head back. “Duuuuude, not you too. Levi is clearly driving the crazy train. If you watch his video, he thinks seniors have like, fucking magical powers.”
I bit into my sandwich, suddenly ravenous.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
“I haven’t seen it.”
He grinned. “You should have. He’s convinced we’re ALL cursed this year.”
I didn’t respond to that, though my stomach did twist into knots. I waited for something—anything—to happen all day. My afternoon classes were tense, with everyone expecting a head to explode, or a fire to ignite out of nowhere.
Rowan spent the whole of my last class muttering a countdown under his breath and kicking my desk playfully. It was when the bell rang, and we all seemed to let out a synchronized sigh of relief when the drums started again. This time they were dull, barely audible. But somehow they felt and sounded closer. That morning, they felt like they were far away back on the island. Now, however, they were waiting for me, light grazing the back of my mind. I didn’t waste time heading out of class, with Rowan following me.
“Are you coming to the memorial game? I heard Harry is going to play tonight, even when Coach said his shoulder isn’t healed. He never listens to me, you know? I tell him one thing, and he does the opposite—” Rowan’s voice was definitely there, but the drums were drowning him out. They were slower, reverberating in my skull.
I felt like I was walking on air, almost trance-like, my body on automatic, for the rest of the evening. I went home to grab food. Mom was curled up on the sofa cradling two empty bottles of wine.
Then I decided that yes, I was going to the memorial game. If that meant avoiding Mom for the rest of the evening, then so be it. It felt like dreaming.
I didn’t remember getting a chilli dog or even meeting Rowan.
When I blinked, however, and fully came to fruition, the two of us had already grabbed seats. The air was thick with the stink of fried food, and I was slowly suffocating, squashed shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the crowd.
I didn’t realize I was chewing mechanically on a hot dog.
“That’s your fourth one,” Rowan nudged me with a laugh, his gaze on the field following his brother. “Usually, you can barely stomach a full dog."
“I’m just hungry!" I yelled over the crowd.
That wasn't a lie. I was starving, and nothing could quench it. I found myself thinking about food the whole of the first half, my gate flitting to the hot food truck behind the bleachers. The drums were growing louder in my head. Closer.
I could sense them whispering.
They were like footsteps.
And when the game was slowly coming to a climax, and I was on cloud nine, my thoughts enveloped with them, my vision flashing from blurred, confusing orange of fire to brightly lit football field-- that was when they stopped. Rowan dived to his feet, grabbing hold of my arm, and in my daze, I turned to him. His mouth was stretched into a wide grin, his eyes wild. I had barely noticed the kids around us shooting up from their seats, beer and candy flying everywhere. Our school had scored.
Harry Bellamy, Rowan's brother, threw his arms around his teammates, the group of them mimicking the crowd chant. I stared dazedly at the boy throwing his helmet off to cheer loudly when a familiar voice entered my head, bleeding into my skull.
"Do you guys want to hear a story?"
Something severed inside me, my reality contorting. I was back sitting in darkness, that empty cavern in my gut gnawing. I felt that yearning.
Hunger.
Around me, figures came into view. I was seeing faces stained with filth and blood, crowns of flowers and bone. The speaker was sitting in front of me. "A mother will give anything to her children," he murmured. *"Especially a mother who abandoned her children and left them to fucking rot."
His smile was full of razor sharp teeth.
"Or even a friend.... a captain."
I blinked, and Harry's smile was almost a mimic.
His hand slipped into his pocket, fingers wrapped around something. When he pulled it out, I caught the sharp edge of the blade. Screams erupted suddenly, and Rowan dived forward. I grabbed him, though I wasn't sure why. Rowan dropped to his knees, his gaze glued to his brother.
"So they..." The guy continued in my head.
Ba-Bum.
In the darkness, the other shadows began to chant in low murmurs, and through the fog quickly clouding my eyes. When he pressed the blade against his throat, still grinning wildly at the crowd, I realized there was no life in his eyes. His expression had been contorted by something else. Something I could sense had reached us, phantom fingers reaching into the back of our heads, bleeding into our thoughts.
The drums started up again, growing louder and louder until they were deafening me, suffocating me.
Harry slid the teeth of the knife across his throat, teasing, his smile stretching wide across his face.
This time, it was his lips that formed those words whispering into my skull. I could sense them on mine too.
"Can feast."
I wasn't paying attention when Harry sliced his own throat open, and even when blood spurted in scarlet rivulets, seeping down the curve of his neck, he was still smiling. I was listening to the drums that were deafening now, slamming into my ears. Rowan was eerily still, his gaze glued to his brother, a certain hollowness spreading across his face. His body seemed to jolt, eyes flickering, all of the light, the humanity, fizzling out.
He could hear them, I realized.
The drums.
All around me, the kids in our class had come to a standstill, going limp, like their puppet strings had been cut. In the back of my eyes, the fire was extinguished. Harry Bellamy's body hit the ground, and my world exploded.
Next to me, Rowan snatched what was left of my chilli dog, and stuffed it into his mouth with an animalistic hiss, baring his teeth. He stumbled back, his head whipping back and forth, nose flaring. Then he was on his knees, licking candy and beer off of the floor, diving to his feet and tearing along the row, stumbling, snatching at food wildly, like an animal. But he wasn't the only one.
All around me, kids were throwing themselves at anything edible, gorging on anything in sight.
And in my head, those shadows began to feast.
I'm not sure how I can describe the feeling of coming in and out of consciousness. I was in the stands with Rowan, my head spinning, blood trickling down my temple, hot and wet, and then I was kneeling on a mostly empty football field, bodies strewn around me. Time had passed, but I wasn't sure how much.
I spat out a chilli dog, a lump of cotton candy, and a bloody chunk of my own tongue. The night was alive around me, shadows dancing around me, people running for escape, and seniors gathering in packs, roaming the field. Their strides mimicked the drums clanging in our heads. In front of me, the cheer team knelt on the ground, crowded around a body. I saw the red pooling on the grass, smears decorating their uniforms.
The girls were fighting over their coach's corpse, tearing each other apart over flaps of flesh caked into their manicures, and delving into the root of his gut, feasting on blurs of red. I stood, or tried to stand, but my body was no longer mine. There was an old man hobbling across the field, and in a confusing blur of movement, I was on my feet, sprinting towards him, my mouth was watering.
I dived onto his back, bringing him to the ground.
The dark enveloped me, as my body took control.
But I was still eating, gnawing through stringy meat that stuck in my teeth.
Fighting with others over glistening entrails on the ground.
Running through the blaze of my town, throwing myself at anything that moved, that smelled of meat.
I awoke three times during that night…
Once, standing in front of the 1995 memorial, my head cocked, staring at the vigil, a splatter of red decorating one particular photo of the missing 12 kids. I squinted, slowly coming back to fruition. No.
How did I only just notice the thirteenth member of the chess team?
Mom.
A snarl came from behind me, and I twisted around to find Rowan, leading a pack of his own. There was something red, something slithering, hanging out of his mouth. Whatever instincts had bled into me, told me he wasn't a threat.
His eyes were completely taken over by a darkness I couldn't understand, lips bared like an animal. Taking slow steps toward me, his movements signalled he didn't want to eat me. Rowan jerked his head back and forth, like he was shaking his head, a sharp animal-like squeak escaping his lips. He wanted me to join his gang. Before I could respond, rough arms were wrapping around my waist, yanking me back.
The prick of a needle in the back of my neck.
The second time I awoke, I was on a school bus, bound and gagged. Rowan was next to me, his animal-like chittering and shrieking noises waking me up. The whole bus was filled with them, my classmates turned into animals, chained to their seats. The sheriff told us we were under the influence of a pathogen.
He said he was taking us somewhere safe, and there was a shoot to kill order if we tried to escape the bus.
If we were violent in any way, our parents have given them permission to get rid of us.
The third time I awoke, was this morning. I was lying on my back in my brother's truck. Outside, our town was still on fire.
From the sounds in the trunk, Kit has captured Rowan too.
I only have knowledge from the animal channel, but when you kill or capture the leader of a pack, don't the rest track them down…?
Kit still isn't back, and I'm terrified I'm going to end up like the others.
I just have to hope and pray I'm not caught…
Because me and mom need to have a talk.
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It started like lucid dreaming, a world I wasn’t part of—more of an image in my head. But as I grew up, it became something more.
Something I could touch, feel, taste, and sense around me. It was as real as my own reality, and this is where things started to get blurry. On my thirteenth birthday, I started to slowly bleed into this world, both through my body and mind. I did not just exist in this world.
I was part of it. I had a life on it. I had thoughts that were not mine, worries, and struggles that were alien to me.
I was aware I was sitting on sand that prickled between my toes. I could stand up and take slow strides towards the sea, reveling in the cool water lapping across my ankles. I could smell the salt in the air and the stench of my own BO ingrained into my skin. This island is not a paradise.
The sky is never blue, and when it is, I am hidden in the shade, watching the shoreline from afar. Fourteen years old, and I am no longer standing on the beach. I am… running. I wake up running, throwing myself through blurs of green.
Trees.
I can hear my own strangled breaths and feel my arms catapulting me into the thick brush that hits me in the face.
I do not care about the uneven ground, navigating it easily, and like an animal, I throw myself deeper and deeper. When I come to a stop, I twist around, sensing every flash of movement, my toes primed in damp soil. I have a goal, but I am not sure what it is. I tip my head back and peer through the thick canopy of green shading the sky. The sun’s shadow dances across the horizon.
I am losing precious light. I need to eat.
The sudden snap of a branch contorts my body back to attention.
There.
I sense the heartbeat in my ears, strained breaths sending shivers creeping down my spine.
THUD THUD.
THUD THUD.
THUD THUD
It’s injured.
Movement ahead of me. It’s limping. I can see the way it stumbles in the brush, struggling to stand. I start forward with heavy breaths, a deep cavernous hole twisting me inside out, and a fog in my mind that drives away all logical thought. I can’t think. I don’t think. I am so hungry.
That is what drives me closer, what tangles my feet in the ground. All I can think about is every hesitant step I take, holding out my arms like I won’t hurt it as I close in on my dinner. I am already fantasizing about ripping it open and drinking from its guts, guzzling down glistening insides. I imagine frosty cans of soda and Mom’s chicken pot pie.
Chocolate cake oozing with frosting.
It’s a deer.
The first deer I’ve seen in a long time.
But I’m not the only one looking for it.
It’s been 248 of my breaths since I saw it. 235 since the others gave chase.
They saw it first.
But it’s always been finders keepers.
Footsteps around me, shrill giggles, and cat-calls that boil my blood. I can taste their excitement and even my own. I am salivating.
But so are they.
There are three of them at the corner of my eye, and another two behind me. I go through my options. There is nothing to use as a weapon, and I am too weak to fight. I can retreat, but that means no food. I can join them, but surely that will entail I give them something. I lost all of them to the oblivion that drowns us. I am the last one with thought. I am the last human. I don’t do… what they do to survive. So, I must fucking eat. Slowly, I drop onto my hands and knees and start to crawl through the dirt. It’s so close.
I can see hoof marks on the ground. The sound of the river is a relief. I’ve made it. The animal is drinking deep, guzzling from a small stream. My mouth waters, drool pooling down my chin. It just makes me more thirsty. Another branch snaps.
I remember the feeling of my body being driven with adrenaline, trees whipping at my hair and scarring my face as I dive into a sprint. I know it’s a trap. But I’m losing precious sunlight. The deer is inches away.
I slip my hands into my pouch, my fingers inching slowly around the handle of my knife. I am surrounded.
They announce their presence with animal-like chitters and giggles.
Something flies over my head with perfect precision, piercing through the deer’s lower body. I don’t know what possessed me to attempt to take their kill. It’s not even theirs. They don’t eat animal meat. They don’t want the deer. They want me.
This is just another game.
I am a pawn, and they control the board.
They circle around me, and my throat is too dry to tell them to back off.
I am too weak to fight for my territory when they already have it.
I have lost. But I keep going, even when they start screaming at me, warning me with vicious snarls. I am dizzy, my thoughts tangled, and my lips spread into a grin as I take one step, and then two, drunk on the idea of meat. I am already mapping exactly where I will make the first cut, and how much fat and meat I can savor. Then, reality hits. I don’t have a knife. I lost it 1,985 breaths ago.
Instead, my hands wrap around nothing.
My pouch is empty.
I just have the remnants of the ragged pieces of my shirt soaked in salt for a snack. Footsteps get closer, but I don’t move. I am still edging closer to the animal, hypnotized by the sharp smear of red soaking the earth.
It soaks my toes, warm and wet—and I find myself liking it. I drop onto my knees fist up handfuls of blood-soaked dirt and stuff it into my mouth. It tastes so good. It tastes like chocolate cake. I am laughing when fingers tangle in my ponytail and yank me back, rough arms wrapping themselves around me, clammy hands slamming over my mouth. I don’t scream when the cool blade dances across my throat.
Instead, I start to wonder if maybe they have been right all along. I wonder if the flesh of my throat tastes better than dirt and leather soup. My fifteenth birthday was far more real. I couldn’t call it a dream anymore. I couldn’t call it a lucid dream or a psychotic break. This was happening to me. This time there was no sea, no river, or running. Instead, I am sitting cross-legged in front of a fire. There are shadows around me without faces. I try to move, but I can’t. Sixteen was the same, but there was no fire.
I am leaning against a wall, chunks cut out of me. I no longer have my right arm, and my lower leg had already been marked for the next feast.
I can’t move. Someone kneels in front of me and I try and inch away, a cry strangled in my throat. They grab hold of my chin and force me to look at them, narrow fingers prying open my mouth and forcing water down my throat.
The water is salty.
I try to spit it out, my body automatically rejecting it, but that makes them more forceful.
When I’ve drunk enough, they let go of me, and my body relaxes, my head hanging.
Living flesh is so much tastier.
I know that because I have tasted myself, charred, raw, and cooked to perfection. That was my last thought before my vision blurred, and I was waking up in my bed—my own life. It wasn’t real.
That’s what I told myself.
So, how could I still taste the seawater in my mouth? I woke to my pillows soaked with my drool, a strangled scream still tangled on my tongue. I could still feel the chunks taken out of me, my severed arm and leg that had been gnawed on. I knew exactly what I tasted like. The flavor was still in my mouth no matter how many times I stuck my fingers, and then my fist, down my throat.
I thought about therapy, but what exactly was I supposed to say?
This year was entirely different from my other birthdays.
I awakened to a rhythmic drumming and the dull glow of a fire.
This time the shadows have faces. I don’t recognize them. I am smiling, as a boy wearing a crown of thorns entangled in bone kneels in front of me. In his hands is a chocolate cake lit with dancing flames.
I count each one.
There are more than sixteen candles, but I don’t care. The boy’s smile is carved into the dark, eyes illuminated blurred orange.
He gently places the giant chocolate cake on the wooden table in front of me.
I don’t look at the smears of scarlet and entrails stained to it.
I look at the cake. It’s so beautiful. My mouth waters. I reach to carve my fingers into it, and my hands are slapped away.
“Dude,” the boy chuckled. He picked up a blade sitting on the table and pressed it into my fist. There is no real light in his eyes. The light I used to know, what ignited his humanity—what I loved, has been replaced with a hollow gleam that only knows how to hunt and feed. He entangles his fingers in mine as I stare, hypnotized by candlelight. He leans close to me, his cool breath tickling my ear.
“Make a wish first.”
I can't see an identity, only a crown of bone sitting on dark curls. Starving eyes.
His voice is both familiar and not. The others echoed his words and the exact movement of his lips. I do. I close my eyes and make a wish. The drumming grows louder when I blow out my candles, only for them to reignite, something writhing across the skin of my arms. I can already feel it bleeding into me in the form of wriggling insects filling my mouth, skittering up and down my spine. It’s delving into my mind, already burning away what I fought to protect. But I want to eat. I want to fill myself up until I am bulging, until I can’t eat anymore.
I don’t want to stop.
I want to eat until I burst open.
The others start to laugh, animalistic shrieks pushing me to take the first slice. I let the blade sink in, and the satisfaction of watching it penetrate each layer makes me salivate. Thick buttercream filling escapes from within and I lapped it up. The taste sends me into a frenzy.
Then, the rest of us. The others are crowding around me. First, they are hesitant, stumbling back and then slowly moving closer, noses wrinkling. It doesn't take them long before they strike, each of them delving deep into the cake. I watch them, mesmerized by what stains their faces, caught in their teeth, and dripping down their chin. Cake.
Swallowing hard, I couldn’t stop myself, carving my fingernails into rich frosting and stuffing it into my mouth, a moan slipping from my lips. I started slowly and grew ravenous. A figure next to me grasps holds of wet dripping chocolate, and I snatched it off of him, squawking out in protest. The cake starts to look less like a cake, and more like something else entirely. I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined more layers instead of prickly bones I was skimming my fingers over.
I couldn't stop myself. I was gorging, choking on chocolate buttercream and frosting when a shrill squeak sliced into my mind, snapping me back to reality.
“Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?!
My vision blurred, shadowy figures covered in sharp shades of red morphing into my mother’s favorite kitchen tiles.
Mom's cry jerked me back to fruition.
I blinked rapidly, swallowing something slimy wriggling its way back up my throat. The taste of the cake was very real in my mouth, chocolate spew dribbling down my chin. I could already feel my cheeks starting to burn. The refrigerator was open, casting me in warm golden light. I was standing in my kitchen covered in what had been my seventeenth birthday cake.
The majority of it was smeared all over my mouth, while the rest was crushed on the floor. It wasn’t just the cake. Somehow, I’d managed to go through three packs of cookies, half of a rotisserie chicken, and the leftovers from dinner.
Looking down at myself, I was oozing chocolate cake. It was caked into my fingernails and smeared all over my pajamas. Mom was standing in the doorway, her lips twisted with silent fury, my older brother peeking behind the door. My stomach twisted suddenly, chocolate-coated bile filling my mouth.
I didn't have an explanation for this.
Part of me was still searching for that part of me back on the island, feasting on something wet and slimy.
Raising my chocolaty hands in a sort of surrender, I struggled to speak through chunks of cake I had to spit out. "I'm... I’m sorry," I managed to say, like this was some Saturday morning cartoon. I didn't think my Mom's eyes could pop out of her head, but they were close. In the back of my eyes, I could still see the glow of the fire, vicious stains of red dripping from the table, pooling on the ground, staining me.
"I was…hungry.”
I caught my brother’s amused smirk.
“We can see that. You’ve eaten half the refrigerator.”
“Kit,” Mom hissed at him to leave, and he did, after scraping a piece of chocolate cake from the packaging on the counter and darting out of the room. “Sweetie, what happened?”
Swiping my hands on my pyjama shirt, that feral instinct still contorted inside me telling me to back away from her. My mom was a threat.
“Hey,” she held up her hands. Her eyes were wide, fearful, almost like she understood. “It’s okay, baby."
Mom was slowly making her way over to me, her expression twisting from anger to confusion, and then sympathy.
I knew what she was thinking already. I felt sudden revulsion, tears stinging my eyes. It took two strides for me to make it to the faucet, and I choked up undigested pieces of cake and lumps of chicken. The chicken looked too slimy, too wet—too red, hitting the bottom of the sink. Fuck.
Mom held my hair back, and I was trembling, trying to speak through my twisted lips and heaving stomach projectiling everything I forced down. When the dull glow of flame had faded from my mind, and I was sure I could no longer hear drumming getting closer, I dropped to my knees. “Fee?” Mom was saying my name over and over again, and it took me several seconds to register it.
Fee. That was my name.
I managed to apologize and made for the door, but Mom was already gently leading me to the table and sitting me down. She placed a glass of water in front of me and made me drink it. I didn’t know how to explain it, so I lied. I told her I had been binge eating, and her expression broke my heart. I went back to bed with a thick feeling in my gut. I could still taste seawater.
I didn’t sleep. Instead, I googled symptoms of psychosis. Mom came into my room 4 hours later when my alarm was going off, and I was half asleep, scrolling through Instagram.
Levi Carlisle had posted another one of his conspiracy theory videos. It was about the so-called “curse” on our senior class. I opened up the video, which already had 5 views.
It’s not hard to fearmonger in a school already gripped by paranoia.
Before I could click on the video, which was Levi looking like a junior Philip De Franco, complete with the expression, Mom was peeking through my door with a brand-new cake, my brother trailing behind, sleepy-eyed. I had to guess they had run to Costco earlier to get me another one. I didn’t want to do the whole “happy birthday” thing, after ruining the cake she actually made, but I managed to smile and grit my teeth through her singing, while my brother acted like he was singing against his will.
I followed the two down to breakfast, grabbing coffee and toast.
I happen to be born on an awkward day.
The people in my town don’t celebrate.
They mourn.
October 11th, 1995:
Our school’s entire chess team boarded a flight on a school trip and was never seen again.
Following their disappearance, a series of… unfortunate events have plagued our town’s senior class. Sometimes it skips years, so we never know when it’s going to happen.
October 11th, 2005. Two football players collapsed and died on the field.
October 11th, 2010. Wendy Tate, class valedictorian, fell off the stage during her welcome speech and snapped her neck.
October 11th, 2015. Three senior cheerleaders died after the bus carrying the team drove off a cliff.
October 11th, 2021. Ten students in my brother’s class perished in a fire in the gym.
Kit poured himself a bowl of cereal, throwing me a clumsily wrapped birthday gift. Standing in front of the window, he was more shadow than human, and I could almost pretend his face wasn’t scarred beyond recognition. The present skidded into my lap. “Happy birthday, sis.”
Pulling off the packaging, I was unable to resist my own smile.
Every year for our birthdays, we got each other a “joke gift.”
I held up a Barbie hairbrush, complete with a singing toothbrush.
“Topical.”
He grinned. “I knew you’d like it.”
Mom leaned against the countertop, delicately sipping her coffee. It took her exactly 3 and a half minutes to say exactly what I knew she was going to say. She even laughed at Kit’s joke gift, even when she made it clear they were not allowed.
I could tell she was worried about me either being a binge eater, or worse, the possibility that I could be under the influence of the curse.
“Why don’t you stay home today, honey?”
I noticed the air around us thicken significantly, Mom’s words hanging in the air like spoiled milk. Kit broke the silence, loudly chewing on his cereal. “Mom, she’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know that” she surprised me by snapping at Kit. “Do you want the same thing to happen to your sister?”
Mom was going into panic mode. She washed dishes when she was stressed, and she was already striding over or to the washing-up bowl despite us having a dishwasher. “I’ve been talking to Pastor Worthington,” she didn’t turn around, speaking through heavy breaths. “And he is willing to place protection on the two of you.” Kit shot me a look, and I rolled my eyes.
Pastor Worthington wasn't even a pastor, and I was pretty sure he was scamming my mother, taking advantage of her pain. Every year she managed to convince herself it was all her fault. Mom never talked about being in the same class as the missing chess team. When we were little kids, she mentioned that she lost some friends when she was younger. I remember being five years old and standing under a big tree while Mom held a bouquet of flowers, her head bowed in prayer.
When we almost lost Kit, she was convinced the missing 1995 kids were punishing her from the great beyond. “Here we goooo,” Kit mumbled into his orange juice with an overexaggerated eye-roll.
“I’m okay,” I said through a mouthful of toast, “I’m going to the memorial game tonight.” I knew my words had stung, because Mom did that thing when her nose scrunches, lips pursing. For the last few years, she had done everything she could to keep me away from school on October 11th. Even when it was only seniors who were affected. I moved to the faucet to dump my plate, and I could feel her eyes burning into me.
I looked up, my gaze flicking to Kit, who was staring down at his phone. Mom did her best to avoid his eyes. When she meant to look at him, she focused on me instead. It hurt her to see him. The morning before he left for school, three years ago, she told him that curses did not exist, and nothing was going to happen to him.
I remember being in my sophomore year, excited to start school, and Kit joking about the curse. Mom told him to grow up.
Seven hours later, our school gym had been set alight, and eight students were dead, with Kit in the ICU, and another kid barely clinging to life.
He died. Kit lived.
I knew her dismissive words that morning still drove my mother crazy. It was why she quit her job as a nurse and started drinking. I almost lost my brother. It was a miracle that he survived, and somehow our relationship had not changed over the years. It was still meaningless and stupid sibling banter. Kit dropped his spoon. “It’s cool, Mom,” he said, shooting her a wide smile, “I’m going too, so I’ll look after her.” He shot me a look which definitely said he wasn’t planning on going, and that I would have to find another ride home. Kit hadn’t even attended his classmates’ funeral.
The town thought he was selfish, but he had broken down three times since their deaths. Mom said it was survivors guilt. I had a hard time looking at him that morning, early morning sunlight alleviating his profile; thick strands of dark hair sitting under his usual baseball cap.
He was already dressed for the day as usual. Most likely because he hasn’t slept. Kit was still handsome. Before the fire, he was taking his friends to homecoming, the four of them in some polycule thing.
Then he lost them and stopped looking after himself completely. Kit let his beard grow out, which weirdly suited him, and Mom had to force him to get a haircut. The entire left side of his face was scarred tissue and attempted skin grafts, bulging red skin flaps stitched down.
He sent me a questioning glance, and I had to look away, my early morning dessert binge making a reappearance.
Kit’s face didn’t usually bother me, but that morning there was something about him that stood out.
“You’re staring at me,” my brother grumbled, “And it’s getting kinda weird.”
I bit into my toast, avoiding his raised brow.
Instead of answering him, I came out with a question I didn’t know was suffocating my thoughts.
“Did they ever find the black box?”
Kit kicked me under the table, grumbling a warning.
“What?”
“No,” Mom responded, and the two of us twisted to her. Kit shot me a surprised look. It was rare when she talked about her missing classmates.
Sometimes I forgot they were even in her class. If either of us mentioned that doomed flight, we were shut down. Mom continued scrubbing at plates. I noticed she was repeatedly washing the same plate over and over again.
“No, they never found anything.”
I nodded slowly, another question bubbling in my mouth—words that were not mine.
“Where were they going again?"
Mom dropped a plate in the faucet, and the loud clang made me jump.
Even Kit winced a little.
“Fee, I think that’s enough questions.”
“They were going to the chess championships,” I kept going, even when Kit kicked me again. I couldn’t stop. “But why is there no news about it?”
“Fee.” Kit really went to town on making sure the toe of his shoe went right into my kneecap. “Read the room.”
“No, it’s okay,” Mom cleared her throat and turned to face us. Her hands were bright red from the boiling hot water. “There was no news because the town and families chose to keep it private.
"It is a…” she trailed off, her expression twisting. “It is a town tragedy and will stay one.” Mom didn’t speak for the rest of breakfast. She poured herself a glass of wine and headed upstairs. Probably to down the whole thing. We were used to it, but it still kind of hurt. I was hoping Mom would stay sober for my 17th. With Mom gone, Kit leaned across the table, on his third or fourth helping of cereal.
Jesus, how hungry was he?
“What the fuck was that?”
I stood up instead of answering him. “I was just curious. "
“Curious?” Kit leaned on his fist. “You haven’t spoken about mom’s classmates since we were little kids, and you bring them up today of all days?”
I grabbed my backpack. “So?”
“So,” Kit narrowed his eyes. “Is there something wrong?” He cocked his head. “We’re really not going to talk about you café-de-cake this morning?” For a moment, my brother’s voice was drowned out by a drum beat. I heard them in my head like they were close, getting closer with each of my strangled breaths. It was almost like a heartbeat.
I lost myself in the drumming, in blurred shadows dancing in my peripheral.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
“Hey!”
I blinked, and Kit was nose to nose with me clapping his hands in my face.
I shrugged, pasting on a smile. “I was hungry.”
Kit held up his bowl of cereal. “This is hungry, Fee,” he nodded to the leftover smears of chocolate cake on the counter. “Whatever that was? That was fucking ravenous.”
I really did not want to have this conversation with him. “Can you not be Mom for like, two seconds?"
He scoffed. "Well, she's not being one right now, is she? Mom is doing what she always does on your birthday. Running away."
That stung, but he was right.
"You're an asshole."
"I'm your brother," he sighed. "I have to be." Kit paused. “You should probably rethink going to school, Fee."
I didn’t reply, leaving my brother in the kitchen.
I could still feel his gaze burning into the back of my head when I was halfway out of the door. Thankfully, my morning classes were too loud to hear the drums, and even stuck in silence in a bathroom stall or a classroom swamped in a vacuum, there was no sign of them. Levi Carlisle cornered me at lunch, sticking his phone in my face. “Did your Mom agree to an interview?”
I got his email two nights prior. He wanted to interview my mother, the only class of 95 still in town. Levi was an interview away from sending my Mom in a downward spiral if he started spewing his conspiracy theories in her face. I shoved the kid out of the way, as gently as I could.
“She’s sick,” I said dryly, quickening my steps. “If you go near her, you’ll die.”
Levi nodded, struggling to keep up. “Okay, so maybe next week?” he said hurriedly. “I’ve been trying to get in touch with a woman who moved to New York, but she’s like, impoooosible to get hold of. Her daughter keeps answering and telling me to leave her alone, but I think I’m making progress. She was one of the missing’s best friends, so I was thinking I could ask her about their friendship, and then get to the good stuff.” Levi had a weird gleam in his eyes.
I would not be surprised if he broke into our house and held my Mom at gunpoint for an interview.
“Maybe she wants you to leave them alone,” I said, heavily hinting I wanted the exact same thing. I tried to sidestep him, but he was high on getting a good story, eyes alight, no humanity or empathy in sight. The boy danced in front of me like a real reporter. He wasn’t going to give up on this story. "Kit was the only survivor in 2021," he said excitedly. We passed the vigil for the kids lost over the years, and I heard it again.
That same drum beat.
"Don't you think it's a bit weird that your brother was spared while his friends died? He was in the ICU, correct?"
Something slimy prickled across the flesh of my arm. I thought back to my brother’s burns, and the opinion our town had of him. He was a survivor, but in their eyes, he was a coward. He should have run back into the flames. "You're a leech, Levi.”
Levi was oblivious as always, continuing to push. “Well, what do you think about the curse?” He asked instead, and an influx of crawlies slithered down my spine. “Your brother was affected three years ago, right? What if it’s coming after you next?”
His lips curved into the slightest of smirks, and I could almost mistake excitement on his face.
This bastard wanted it to happen.
I opened my mouth to answer him, but then I could hear them again.
Drumming.
Suddenly, all the sound had been sucked out of the world.
I felt myself tip left, and then right, my brain spinning.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
I was paralyzed for a disorienting second, drowning in that darkness once again, that oblivion lit up in orangeade light.
Levi was waving his hands in front of me before another shadow stepped in front of him. The familiar face relieved the pressure building behind my eyes, and I blinked back darkness spotting my vision.
“Hey, Fee," Rowan Bellamy looked disheveled as usual. But his usual wide smile and floppy fringe was like a bout of fresh air. The drums faded in my head, replaced with hallway ambiance. I gathered myself, drinking my friend in.
School was tolerable with him by my side. Rowan was wearing yesterday's sweater over scuffed jeans, toothpaste still staining his bottom lip. I noticed Levi snapping a quick shot with his camera. No doubt for his "worst dressed" weekly column.
“What BS is Carlisle spewing this time?" He shot Levi a grin. "No offense, of course! I'm a huge fan of your weird ass conspiracy videos.”
Levi scowled. “I know you’re being sarcastic.”
“Oh, really?” Rowan folded his arms. “Now, what gave you that idea?”
“It’s not all bullshit,” Levi said. “Something is coming,” he started to back away, lifting his camera for emphasis. “The bugs festering on the sidewalk? How about the mysterious flu that’s making toddlers sick? We’re in the end times now, and we,” he gestured to the three of us. “We’re the catalysts. I think we were chosen by a higher power. That’s why we’re cursed.”
"Like Zeus?"
Levi's lip curled. "Do you take anything seriously?"
Rowan’s smile didn’t waver. He didn’t believe in curses. Rowan just thought we were just really unlucky.
It was hard to get him to believe in anything. According to him, we were alone in the universe, and the paranormal was just another cash grab for gullible people. My best friend was a firm believer in all things science. I think it was a comfort for him. When Kit almost died, he was the closest he had ever been to maybe believe something was going on, before suppressing it.
He started towards Levi with slow, intimidating steps. Levi didn’t back down though. He probably had dirt on Rowan somewhere to humble him. “The bugs are probably because of the storm, it’s flu season, believe it or not. Kids always get sick. It's not the world ending plague you think it is." Rowan laughed, flicking him in the forehead. "There’s no curse, idiot! If there IS a curse and I end up affected, I’ll give you my college fund.” He snapped his fingers. “No, scratch that. I’ll give you my college fund AND my PS5.”
The junior reporter's eyes lit up. “All of it?”
“All 70k of it, baby.”
Levi didn’t say anything, but he did get an odd smile on his face before skulking away to annoy someone else. “That boy is certifiable,” Rowan grumbled, turning to me. “Did you see his latest YouTube video?”
“Did you really just bet away your college fund?”
He rolled his eyes, tipping his head back. “Duuuuude, not you too. Levi is clearly driving the crazy train. If you watch his video, he thinks seniors have like, fucking magical powers.”
I bit into my sandwich, suddenly ravenous.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
Ba-bum.
“I haven’t seen it.”
He grinned. “You should have. He’s convinced we’re ALL cursed this year.”
I didn’t respond to that, though my stomach did twist into knots. I waited for something—anything—to happen all day. My afternoon classes were tense, with everyone expecting a head to explode, or a fire to ignite out of nowhere.
Rowan spent the whole of my last class muttering a countdown under his breath and kicking my desk playfully. It was when the bell rang, and we all seemed to let out a synchronized sigh of relief when the drums started again. This time they were dull, barely audible. But somehow they felt and sounded closer. That morning, they felt like they were far away back on the island. Now, however, they were waiting for me, light grazing the back of my mind. I didn’t waste time heading out of class, with Rowan following me.
“Are you coming to the memorial game? I heard Harry is going to play tonight, even when Coach said his shoulder isn’t healed. He never listens to me, you know? I tell him one thing, and he does the opposite—” Rowan’s voice was definitely there, but the drums were drowning him out. They were slower, reverberating in my skull.
I felt like I was walking on air, almost trance-like, my body on automatic, for the rest of the evening. I went home to grab food. Mom was curled up on the sofa cradling two empty bottles of wine.
Then I decided that yes, I was going to the memorial game. If that meant avoiding Mom for the rest of the evening, then so be it. It felt like dreaming.
I didn’t remember getting a chilli dog or even meeting Rowan.
When I blinked, however, and fully came to fruition, the two of us had already grabbed seats. The air was thick with the stink of fried food, and I was slowly suffocating, squashed shoulder to shoulder with the rest of the crowd.
I didn’t realize I was chewing mechanically on a hot dog.
“That’s your fourth one,” Rowan nudged me with a laugh, his gaze on the field following his brother. “Usually, you can barely stomach a full dog."
“I’m just hungry!" I yelled over the crowd.
That wasn't a lie. I was starving, and nothing could quench it. I found myself thinking about food the whole of the first half, my gate flitting to the hot food truck behind the bleachers. The drums were growing louder in my head. Closer.
I could sense them whispering.
They were like footsteps.
And when the game was slowly coming to a climax, and I was on cloud nine, my thoughts enveloped with them, my vision flashing from blurred, confusing orange of fire to brightly lit football field-- that was when they stopped. Rowan dived to his feet, grabbing hold of my arm, and in my daze, I turned to him. His mouth was stretched into a wide grin, his eyes wild. I had barely noticed the kids around us shooting up from their seats, beer and candy flying everywhere. Our school had scored.
Harry Bellamy, Rowan's brother, threw his arms around his teammates, the group of them mimicking the crowd chant. I stared dazedly at the boy throwing his helmet off to cheer loudly when a familiar voice entered my head, bleeding into my skull.
"Do you guys want to hear a story?"
Something severed inside me, my reality contorting. I was back sitting in darkness, that empty cavern in my gut gnawing. I felt that yearning.
Hunger.
Around me, figures came into view. I was seeing faces stained with filth and blood, crowns of flowers and bone. The speaker was sitting in front of me. "A mother will give anything to her children," he murmured. *"Especially a mother who abandoned her children and left them to fucking rot."
His smile was full of razor sharp teeth.
"Or even a friend.... a captain."
I blinked, and Harry's smile was almost a mimic.
His hand slipped into his pocket, fingers wrapped around something. When he pulled it out, I caught the sharp edge of the blade. Screams erupted suddenly, and Rowan dived forward. I grabbed him, though I wasn't sure why. Rowan dropped to his knees, his gaze glued to his brother.
"So they..." The guy continued in my head.
Ba-Bum.
In the darkness, the other shadows began to chant in low murmurs, and through the fog quickly clouding my eyes. When he pressed the blade against his throat, still grinning wildly at the crowd, I realized there was no life in his eyes. His expression had been contorted by something else. Something I could sense had reached us, phantom fingers reaching into the back of our heads, bleeding into our thoughts.
The drums started up again, growing louder and louder until they were deafening me, suffocating me.
Harry slid the teeth of the knife across his throat, teasing, his smile stretching wide across his face.
This time, it was his lips that formed those words whispering into my skull. I could sense them on mine too.
"Can feast."
I wasn't paying attention when Harry sliced his own throat open, and even when blood spurted in scarlet rivulets, seeping down the curve of his neck, he was still smiling. I was listening to the drums that were deafening now, slamming into my ears. Rowan was eerily still, his gaze glued to his brother, a certain hollowness spreading across his face. His body seemed to jolt, eyes flickering, all of the light, the humanity, fizzling out.
He could hear them, I realized.
The drums.
All around me, the kids in our class had come to a standstill, going limp, like their puppet strings had been cut. In the back of my eyes, the fire was extinguished. Harry Bellamy's body hit the ground, and my world exploded.
Next to me, Rowan snatched what was left of my chilli dog, and stuffed it into his mouth with an animalistic hiss, baring his teeth. He stumbled back, his head whipping back and forth, nose flaring. Then he was on his knees, licking candy and beer off of the floor, diving to his feet and tearing along the row, stumbling, snatching at food wildly, like an animal. But he wasn't the only one.
All around me, kids were throwing themselves at anything edible, gorging on anything in sight.
And in my head, those shadows began to feast.
I'm not sure how I can describe the feeling of coming in and out of consciousness. I was in the stands with Rowan, my head spinning, blood trickling down my temple, hot and wet, and then I was kneeling on a mostly empty football field, bodies strewn around me. Time had passed, but I wasn't sure how much.
I spat out a chilli dog, a lump of cotton candy, and a bloody chunk of my own tongue. The night was alive around me, shadows dancing around me, people running for escape, and seniors gathering in packs, roaming the field. Their strides mimicked the drums clanging in our heads. In front of me, the cheer team knelt on the ground, crowded around a body. I saw the red pooling on the grass, smears decorating their uniforms.
The girls were fighting over their coach's corpse, tearing each other apart over flaps of flesh caked into their manicures, and delving into the root of his gut, feasting on blurs of red. I stood, or tried to stand, but my body was no longer mine. There was an old man hobbling across the field, and in a confusing blur of movement, I was on my feet, sprinting towards him, my mouth was watering.
I dived onto his back, bringing him to the ground.
The dark enveloped me, as my body took control.
But I was still eating, gnawing through stringy meat that stuck in my teeth.
Fighting with others over glistening entrails on the ground.
Running through the blaze of my town, throwing myself at anything that moved, that smelled of meat.
I awoke three times during that night…
Once, standing in front of the 1995 memorial, my head cocked, staring at the vigil, a splatter of red decorating one particular photo of the missing 12 kids. I squinted, slowly coming back to fruition. No.
How did I only just notice the thirteenth member of the chess team?
Mom.
A snarl came from behind me, and I twisted around to find Rowan, leading a pack of his own. There was something red, something slithering, hanging out of his mouth. Whatever instincts had bled into me, told me he wasn't a threat.
His eyes were completely taken over by a darkness I couldn't understand, lips bared like an animal. Taking slow steps toward me, his movements signalled he didn't want to eat me. Rowan jerked his head back and forth, like he was shaking his head, a sharp animal-like squeak escaping his lips. He wanted me to join his gang. Before I could respond, rough arms were wrapping around my waist, yanking me back.
The prick of a needle in the back of my neck.
The second time I awoke, I was on a school bus, bound and gagged. Rowan was next to me, his animal-like chittering and shrieking noises waking me up. The whole bus was filled with them, my classmates turned into animals, chained to their seats. The sheriff told us we were under the influence of a pathogen.
He said he was taking us somewhere safe, and there was a shoot to kill order if we tried to escape the bus.
If we were violent in any way, our parents have given them permission to get rid of us.
The third time I awoke, was this morning. I was lying on my back in my brother's truck. Outside, our town was still on fire.
From the sounds in the trunk, Kit has captured Rowan too.
I only have knowledge from the animal channel, but when you kill or capture the leader of a pack, don't the rest track them down…?
Kit still isn't back, and I'm terrified I'm going to end up like the others.
I just have to hope and pray I'm not caught…
Because me and mom need to have a talk.
2023.11.17 14:29 HelloZukoHere Acquired podcast episode about Costco: Listen if you like feeling warm and fuzzy
No one on this sub needs more reasons to like Costco - you're here because you love Costco and Costco loves you.
But why? Why does Costco love you? Lots of companies claim they love their customers, few can back it up.
This podcast episode is stupid long - 3 hours long. But holy crap does it deliver. They cover the history of Costco, which goes back before when Costco was technically founded to Fedco, FedMart, Price Club, and the influence Sol Price had on the concept of American Retail. It then goes into Costco economics, why Costco's business model works (for them), and other interesting bits of trivia about Costco.
If you don't want to listen to the whole thing, I'll do my best to summarize the episode in text below.
Will also be quoting the podcast transcript directly in many parts.
https://www.acquired.fm/episodes/costco
Episode description:
Costco is not only Charlie Munger’s favorite company of all time (plus he’s on the board, natch), it’s an absolutely fascinating study in how seemingly opposite characteristics can combine to create incredible company value. For instance: Costco has the cheapest prices of any major retailer in America — and also the wealthiest customer base. They pay their hourly workers 30% above the industry norm (and give them excellent healthcare + 401k benefits) — and are almost 3x more profitable on labor than Walmart. Speaking of Walmart, Costco stocks 40x fewer SKUs than their Bentonville-based rivals — yet sells an average of 15x more volume of each. And oh yeah, practically all of Costco’s C-Suite started their careers as baggers and checkout clerks! Tune in for a mind-bending exploration of one of the world’s most iconic — and iconically unique — companies.
History:
- Soloman (Sol) Price is born in 1916, Bronx, New York. His family is poor.
- His family moves to San Diego where he eventually marries Helen Moskowitz, whose family owns a scrap metal business in the area (very rich). He goes to USC, becomes a lawyer and moves back to San Diego.
- While working as a lawyer, he consults with many entrepreneurs looking to start businesses in the extremely fast growing San Diego area (growing fast as a result of the US Navy in the area and World War II)
- He hears of FedCo, a non profit from LA that has an interesting business model.
"Fedco, it turns out, was a non profit membership club. It was a customer collective. It was called Fedco because it was only open to federal employees, primarily postal workers. After the war, about 800 postal workers in the Los Angeles area decided somehow that they wanted to pool their buying power together and their federal employees. They start this club so that they can pull the buying power and get better prices on goods that they can all participate in together.
It turns out, there are a lot of federal employees out there, especially in San Diego. They charged a membership fee. They charge dues to join. But unlike Costco today, they didn't really make any money on the memberships. Remember, they're a non-profit. The cost was $5 one time for a lifetime Fedco membership." [Inflation adjusted about $85]
- Sol wants to copy Fedco, but make it for profit. He creates FedMart - identical to Fedco, still only for federal employees, but for profit instead on non profit. It is immediately successful.
" One more piece of FedMart playbook, shall we say, that clearly makes its way over, as Sol is running the company during these first few years, he starts to codify some retail management philosophies. He famously canonizes these as FedMart's four priority order principles. He teaches every new employee throughout the whole company about this.
(1) First priority, provide the best possible value to customers. (2) Second priority, pay good wages to employees and provide good benefits, including health insurance. This is in the 50s. This is progressive stuff. (3) Maintain honest business practices. (4) The last one, make money for investors. If you're a Costco nerd out there, and there are probably many Costco investor nerds listening right now, those all probably sound very familiar to Costco's priority order values."
- Sol wants to bring in a partner to help expand FedMart and take it to the next level in Europe. They bring in a partner who actually has a majority share in the company, and during the first board meeting Sol gets kicked out of his own company.
- Sol poaches some FedMart employees and they create Price Club. Price Club was originally intended to sell to other businesses, not to customers directly.
"They decide as they're getting started, that in order to keep the operations really tight and realize the maximum benefit, Ben, of everything you were describing of how these warehouses operate, they're only going to stock about 3000 of the highest volume items that they think most other retailers are going to sell to their customers. At the time, Walmarts and Kmarts had on the order of about 50,000 SKUs, and even FedMart had probably close to that many at the time. Going all the way down to 3000, this is a non consensus move. "
- Price Club isn't as immediately successful as FedMart, but eventually gets there.
[Here, Podcast goes into a lot of detail about Price Club's decisions that help shape its success. Because Costco and Price Club end up merging, they refer to Costco's strategies as Price Club's strategies as well]
"Ben: There are two unique things that enable them to do it. One is this warehouse model, where things are instantly available for sale, customers come right to the place where they were dropped off. Not quite anymore, and we'll get to that later. But at Price Club, that's definitely what it was, and grab stuff right off the pallet.
The other thing that makes it all work is to this day, Costco has kept their SKU count very low, SKU being a unique item that a store has for sale. I think, David, you mentioned before, about 3000 at Price Club is what they had available for sale. If you look at a Walmart today, they have something like 100,000–250,000 different SKUs that they sell.
David: Super Centers, indeed.
Ben: Costco, in the last 10 years, was around 4500, and then they looked and said, can we bring it down? It went to 4000. Today, they're sitting at 3800. This number is still going down, not up. If you do the math and you start thinking, geez, if you're not selling a lot of SKUs, but you have a lot of customers coming through your stores, what does that mean? It means that any given item is going to turn faster. It's this magical unlock, in addition to the instantly available for sale in the warehouse thing. It is the low SKU count that directly gives you the ability to turn your inventory over quickly."
Formation of actual Costco:
" This now brings us finally to one more call that Sol gets also in 1982. There are these years in retailing, 1962, and Walmart, Kmart, and Target started in 1982 when all this is happening. Another Bernie, this time a Seattle retailer named Bernie Brotman and his son Jeff, call up Sol. They say, Sol, this Price Club thing is fantastic. We're retailers up in the Northwest up in Seattle. We'd love to open a franchise up here, a Price Club franchise in Seattle. It's just like the Fedco, FedMart days.
Sol and the Price Club management team think about it. They make the very poor decision to say no. In the same echo of what happened 30 years earlier, Bernie and Jeff say, okay, we understand. We're going to do it anyway. We're going to clone the Price Club model and start the same thing up in Seattle."
-Price Club is planning to expand, but not to the Northwest right away.
-Sam's Club (and Walmart) are at the time rapidly expanding. [I have left out a lot of good podcast material about Sol's influence on Sam Walton by the way, please listen to the podcast episode to get all that juicy trivia. ]
-Price Club and Costco merge in June 1993. When this happens, the new Price Costco is just a little bit bigger than Sam's Club in terms of number of stores and revenue - so this was sort of inevitable just to keep up with Sam's Club.
Details about Costco Economics:
- Costco LIMITS the profit margin all of its products
"Ben: This is super interesting. Costco basically wants to provide insane value to consumers. They want you to get a better deal as a member than you could possibly get by shopping anywhere else. How do they go about doing this? They have enforced a strict cap on the margin that they are willing to make on any product. They have decided internally that they are not allowed to markup anything more than 14% above what the suppliers sell it to them for.
I'll tell you, they are tough but fair with their suppliers and making sure that they get a great price for their members. Costco decides, we will only markup anything a maximum of 14%. They actually do mark other things up less than that because things like electronics, they actually can only mark up 6%, 7%, 8%. Maximum is 14%. The only exception to this is Kirkland Signature, where they cheat a little bit and let themselves go up to 15%. Quite indulgent. "
"Jim Sinegal has a great quote on this. He was asked about it, and his response was, "You could raise the price of a bottle of ketchup to $1.03 instead of $1, and no one would know. Raising prices just 3% would add 50% to our pre tax income. Why not do it? It's like heroin. You do it a little bit, and you want a little more. Raising prices is the easy way."
David: What I think also, back to the membership, it all comes back to member trust. The members have to trust that they are going to get the absolute best price on everything and that Costco isn't going to be playing these games. Otherwise, they would just go shop at Amazon, Walmart, or wherever. "
Costco's relationship with suppliers:
"Listeners, when you're listening through these, the order is important, the subject of each statement is important, and the phrasing of each statement is important. (1) Obey the law. (2) Take care of our members. (3) Take care of our employees. (4) Respect our suppliers. I find it fascinating that they use the word respect, because they have a posture of tough but fair.
There's this great anecdote. I heard one, but there are 50 examples of this that you can find in various Tegus calls or talking with people who are suppliers to the company, where Costco buyers always ask why when a supplier tries to increase the price. That part's not that novel. I imagine a Walmart buyer also tries to ask why.
The buyers are very deep. They actually know the commodity prices of ingredients from suppliers. Let's take a chocolate company, for example, that sells a chocolate product. If the chocolate company said, hey, the chocolate cost more now, the Costco buyer would say, I know the price of cocoa, I've been watching the commodities market, I understand milk, sugar, butter, why is it more expensive, just give me feedback on that.
A lot of the times, it is like the commodity price has gone up, or they use labor in a certain area that's gone up, or maybe they have a long-dated contract with a supplier of their own that has an artificially high price for some reason until the contract expires.
The Costco buyers will write all of this down, and will keep track of it. Because they manage so few accounts, they actually can keep track of it. Each buyer is only really adding 3, 5, 10, maybe 15 new SKUs a year, but you've managed a very tight set of relationships. They'll just call a supplier back and say, hey, the last time we talked, you'd mentioned that cocoa prices were high, I've noticed they've gone down, are you lowering the prices so that we can lower it for our members? It's this really amazing side benefit of having the low SKU count. They can be tough but fair with suppliers and really stick to it. "
Some talk about Kirkland Signature Brand:
"Nobody is attesting that this Kirkland signature sweatshirt is a Lululemon sweatshirt that has fancy materials and the most cutting edge technology in it, but it is of a certain bar of quality that is sufficient for Costco members. That is the ethos that Costco has around Kirkland Signature, that we're only going to put something out there if we feel that we can create value for you, that it's going to be a lower price than what you could get otherwise, or the flip side of that, that we can make a better product than you could get from any of these branded products that we were either previously stocking or evaluating stocking.
David: Maybe the most obviously and perhaps most famously, where this comes to bear is in wine and liquor sales. The Kirkland Signature wine, you'll get people who are wine snobs that will drink Kirkland Signature wine. They're like, yeah, it's Costco, but this is actually good stuff. Tequila and vodka, it's the same thing.
Ben: Especially for these things that are very clearly difficult to make, and therefore it's made by one of a few people. It is made by a real winemaker, or the batteries definitely made by a company that makes other batteries. It's not like they're low quality batteries. I do think, much like their 11% Target gross margin on everything, Costco looks at their house brand as an opportunity to provide value to members, not an opportunity to capture more margin for themselves.
David: Yup. They also have a pretty unique opportunity, they realized, with their house brand. Because of the very small number of SKUs that they're putting in the warehouse, there's much less competition on the shelves for any given product category for the house brand.
You mentioned, Whole Foods has the 365 House brand, Walmart has their house brand, blah-blah-blah, all these big retailers do; Safeway certainly does. But in a standard retail environment, the house brand is going to be one of 5, 6, or 10 different brands of a given product category on the shelves. At Costco, it's one of two, three."
Costco Logistics:
"We've mentioned logistics a few times and that the low SKU count means that they can meaningfully simplify their logistics. To put a point on that, they only have so many suppliers who are bringing goods to Costco. The fact that they sell in bulk means that they can bring a whole pallet into a warehouse and consumers just come and pluck it off the pallet. It's wholesale. It's a wholesale club, but there's something we haven't talked about, which is Costco's distribution centers.
They use something called a cross dock system for their distribution centers. Remember, I mentioned back in the Press Club days, it's a little bit more complicated today. Not all the suppliers just show up to the one store or the one warehouse with all the goods. They actually do need some system to receive things from suppliers and bring them to stores.
David: Back in the Press Club days, there were no distribution centers.
Ben: Exactly, but here's how the distribution centers work. Trucks pull up on one side and unload pallets, that's where the suppliers trucks are. On the other side of the warehouse, there are Costco trucks.
What happens is, since they move stuff entirely by the pallet, no partial pallets, these few things go to this store, these few things go to that store, the supplier trucks unload the pallets. They just get scooted across the dock to go directly to a Costco warehouse. Within minutes to hours, that truck leaves, and there's no unwrapping of individual boxes. There's nothing sitting overnight in the facility.
This is so much simpler, and it really plays into that cash flow dynamic, where things can be available for sale so fast. Just to underscore how differentiated the system is, 92% of Costco's merchandise is crossdocked. Only 10% of Walmart has crossdocked merchandise on a pallet system like this."
".... This also plays into this labor thing. You can totally pay your employees more when you need less people to generate the same amount of sales. You don't have wasted manpower unwrapping items from pallets, no one turning the labels out to look pretty. The customers do all of this. It legitimately means they just need less people. This is why they generate over $730,000 of revenue per employee. They're just efficient in aligning their trade-offs. "
Membership:
Ben: One that we haven't talked about is the economics of membership. There are the obvious ones that everyone realizes. Today, the base level membership is $60. As a consumer, I assume I'm getting some good deal by paying $60. Even before learning too much about Costco, I'm aware that that $60 is something I'm paying up front to get the benefit of some low prices later. Let's analyze some of the second order effects of membership, which I think are potentially even more interesting than the obvious ones.
David: There's a lot of psychology happening here.
Ben: Yes. The first one is that it actually selects for wealthy customers.
David: Yes, this is amazing.
Ben: As does buying in bulk. The items that you're buying are literally cheaper per unit. You're saving money, but you need to buy a lot of it upfront, just like you need to pay a membership fee upfront, which means that they tend to get members who are not sensitive to cash flow. They also tend to get members who have space to store stuff at home.
I looked into some of the data on this to try and put some numbers to it. There was an independent research firm that found that the typical Costco consumer makes about $125,000 a year in household income and has a four-year degree. Walmart, by comparison, has a median income of about $80,000. Keep in mind, the median US income is $71,000, so Costco shoppers have a 70% higher income than the US median.
David: This is one of the most surprising things about Costco. They have the lowest prices, but they have the wealthiest consumers of any major retailer.
Ben: It's totally fascinating, and very smart consumers. People who can look at the deal and go, actually, I know I'm coming out ahead on this.
Another interesting psychology around this is when you pay $60 up front, it encourages you to come and use the membership. You are more likely to shop because you've prepaid some of your margin dollars.
The Executive Membership:
"You can spend an extra $60, so a total of $120 instead of $60. What you get for that is 2% cashback on your transactions. That 2% cashback is limited, but it's limited. It's something crazy. You can only get $1000 back.
David: A $60 incremental investment for $1000 back is pretty good.
Ben: Right. If you actually hit that $1000, it would mean you're spending $50,000 at Costco a year.
David: Wow. I'm sure there are people who have been doing it.
Ben: The break even point of this $60 is $3000, which is not that hard to hit. In fact, it's right around, and I suspect this is why management price is that way, it's right around the average household spend at Costco. They want to make it basically breakeven for basically everyone.
David: Which is so awesome and also different from other retailers. Now there are all sorts of fancy technology systems to do this, but Costco has always been able to track customer spend at the individual level because they're all members. They have accounts for all of them.
Ben: A hundred percent. Other people might invent something like this to say, well, we're going to bet that they won't use it. They won't shop here enough, and we'll get to make some money on the people who are infrequent shoppers. We're excited about that, and we'll basically get the breakage on people who pay for the upgraded membership but don't shop enough. That's not at all what Costco is doing here.
To illustrate that, here's the insane part of it. If you do not use it, they will refund it. Is there anything more Costco than that? It is an amazing value for members. It is such a good value that 55% of US members now do it.
But much like everything else we've talked about with Costco, it is also amazing for Costco, because they get your money at the beginning of the year further advantaging their cash flow position. It gets even better because it makes you more likely to go shop there now since you get even better deals with the cashback.
Effectively, instead of getting the 14% gross margin, Costco is now only making a 12% margin on you when you shop there. As long as you're spending $3000 or more, it basically just makes Costco's margin even lower for everything you purchase. Interestingly, 45% of paid members worldwide are executive members, but those members represent 73% of sales.
Whether by causation or correlation, executive members just spend more. Estimates are that regular members buy less than 1/3 of what executive members do. It's this fascinating customer segmentation thing, where Costco just gets to know and reward the most frequent shoppers who do the highest volume purchasing. Executive members, as you would guess, also renew at a higher rate."
Rotisserie Chickens:
"Ben: Okay, when do they vertically integrate? They will do it when they can provide enough value to members to make it worth increasing their overhead. Here's the chickens example. They sell 500 million chickens a year, not pounds, chickens.
David: That's like a US and Canada population worth of chickens a year.
Ben: That is exactly right. Don't think about it too much. That's also the thing with the chickens. A hundred and thirty million of which are rotisserie chickens.
Even just the rotisserie chicken business alone, that's a third of the US eats rotisserie chicken every year. The rest, of course, are chicken breasts, chicken thighs, legs, and everything. The chickens used in the food court for the chicken bake because of course, when they make stuff, they actually make it themselves. When you go buy muffins, those are baked at Costco in their bakery.
There are really only four or five chicken processing companies in America. When you have supplier concentration like that, prices can get artificially inflated. You could be on the wrong end of the stick as the buyer when there are so few suppliers.
Costco decided, we're going to be doing this for a long time. We think our members might be getting a raw deal, so what should we do? We can provide more value to members by doing the insane work of processing this ourselves. First, they figured out, we can rent 100% of the capacity of a plant in Alabama to learn the ropes of like, we're warehouse merchants, now we're becoming chicken processors. How does this work?
They learned, and then they proceeded to build their own fully-owned facility in Fremont, Nebraska, outside of Omaha, and build relationships with 150 local farmers in the surrounding area. This is nuts. That facility processes 2 million chickens a week now. It worked.
To take that even further, there are two other dedicated facilities that they don't fully own but that just are for Costco. They can now process 200 million chickens a year. While they're still working with the other big chicken processors, at least Costco can keep them honest on pricing now by taking on this huge amount of vertical integration themselves."
There's more I might add later, but please if you've read this far already you might as well listen to the episode. At 1.2x speed, it's pretty manageable for a long commute or three.
submitted by HelloZukoHere to Costco [link] [comments]
But why? Why does Costco love you? Lots of companies claim they love their customers, few can back it up.
This podcast episode is stupid long - 3 hours long. But holy crap does it deliver. They cover the history of Costco, which goes back before when Costco was technically founded to Fedco, FedMart, Price Club, and the influence Sol Price had on the concept of American Retail. It then goes into Costco economics, why Costco's business model works (for them), and other interesting bits of trivia about Costco.
If you don't want to listen to the whole thing, I'll do my best to summarize the episode in text below.
Will also be quoting the podcast transcript directly in many parts.
https://www.acquired.fm/episodes/costco
Episode description:
Costco is not only Charlie Munger’s favorite company of all time (plus he’s on the board, natch), it’s an absolutely fascinating study in how seemingly opposite characteristics can combine to create incredible company value. For instance: Costco has the cheapest prices of any major retailer in America — and also the wealthiest customer base. They pay their hourly workers 30% above the industry norm (and give them excellent healthcare + 401k benefits) — and are almost 3x more profitable on labor than Walmart. Speaking of Walmart, Costco stocks 40x fewer SKUs than their Bentonville-based rivals — yet sells an average of 15x more volume of each. And oh yeah, practically all of Costco’s C-Suite started their careers as baggers and checkout clerks! Tune in for a mind-bending exploration of one of the world’s most iconic — and iconically unique — companies.
History:
- Soloman (Sol) Price is born in 1916, Bronx, New York. His family is poor.
- His family moves to San Diego where he eventually marries Helen Moskowitz, whose family owns a scrap metal business in the area (very rich). He goes to USC, becomes a lawyer and moves back to San Diego.
- While working as a lawyer, he consults with many entrepreneurs looking to start businesses in the extremely fast growing San Diego area (growing fast as a result of the US Navy in the area and World War II)
- He hears of FedCo, a non profit from LA that has an interesting business model.
"Fedco, it turns out, was a non profit membership club. It was a customer collective. It was called Fedco because it was only open to federal employees, primarily postal workers. After the war, about 800 postal workers in the Los Angeles area decided somehow that they wanted to pool their buying power together and their federal employees. They start this club so that they can pull the buying power and get better prices on goods that they can all participate in together.
It turns out, there are a lot of federal employees out there, especially in San Diego. They charged a membership fee. They charge dues to join. But unlike Costco today, they didn't really make any money on the memberships. Remember, they're a non-profit. The cost was $5 one time for a lifetime Fedco membership." [Inflation adjusted about $85]
- Sol wants to copy Fedco, but make it for profit. He creates FedMart - identical to Fedco, still only for federal employees, but for profit instead on non profit. It is immediately successful.
" One more piece of FedMart playbook, shall we say, that clearly makes its way over, as Sol is running the company during these first few years, he starts to codify some retail management philosophies. He famously canonizes these as FedMart's four priority order principles. He teaches every new employee throughout the whole company about this.
(1) First priority, provide the best possible value to customers. (2) Second priority, pay good wages to employees and provide good benefits, including health insurance. This is in the 50s. This is progressive stuff. (3) Maintain honest business practices. (4) The last one, make money for investors. If you're a Costco nerd out there, and there are probably many Costco investor nerds listening right now, those all probably sound very familiar to Costco's priority order values."
- Sol wants to bring in a partner to help expand FedMart and take it to the next level in Europe. They bring in a partner who actually has a majority share in the company, and during the first board meeting Sol gets kicked out of his own company.
- Sol poaches some FedMart employees and they create Price Club. Price Club was originally intended to sell to other businesses, not to customers directly.
"They decide as they're getting started, that in order to keep the operations really tight and realize the maximum benefit, Ben, of everything you were describing of how these warehouses operate, they're only going to stock about 3000 of the highest volume items that they think most other retailers are going to sell to their customers. At the time, Walmarts and Kmarts had on the order of about 50,000 SKUs, and even FedMart had probably close to that many at the time. Going all the way down to 3000, this is a non consensus move. "
- Price Club isn't as immediately successful as FedMart, but eventually gets there.
[Here, Podcast goes into a lot of detail about Price Club's decisions that help shape its success. Because Costco and Price Club end up merging, they refer to Costco's strategies as Price Club's strategies as well]
"Ben: There are two unique things that enable them to do it. One is this warehouse model, where things are instantly available for sale, customers come right to the place where they were dropped off. Not quite anymore, and we'll get to that later. But at Price Club, that's definitely what it was, and grab stuff right off the pallet.
The other thing that makes it all work is to this day, Costco has kept their SKU count very low, SKU being a unique item that a store has for sale. I think, David, you mentioned before, about 3000 at Price Club is what they had available for sale. If you look at a Walmart today, they have something like 100,000–250,000 different SKUs that they sell.
David: Super Centers, indeed.
Ben: Costco, in the last 10 years, was around 4500, and then they looked and said, can we bring it down? It went to 4000. Today, they're sitting at 3800. This number is still going down, not up. If you do the math and you start thinking, geez, if you're not selling a lot of SKUs, but you have a lot of customers coming through your stores, what does that mean? It means that any given item is going to turn faster. It's this magical unlock, in addition to the instantly available for sale in the warehouse thing. It is the low SKU count that directly gives you the ability to turn your inventory over quickly."
Formation of actual Costco:
" This now brings us finally to one more call that Sol gets also in 1982. There are these years in retailing, 1962, and Walmart, Kmart, and Target started in 1982 when all this is happening. Another Bernie, this time a Seattle retailer named Bernie Brotman and his son Jeff, call up Sol. They say, Sol, this Price Club thing is fantastic. We're retailers up in the Northwest up in Seattle. We'd love to open a franchise up here, a Price Club franchise in Seattle. It's just like the Fedco, FedMart days.
Sol and the Price Club management team think about it. They make the very poor decision to say no. In the same echo of what happened 30 years earlier, Bernie and Jeff say, okay, we understand. We're going to do it anyway. We're going to clone the Price Club model and start the same thing up in Seattle."
-Price Club is planning to expand, but not to the Northwest right away.
-Sam's Club (and Walmart) are at the time rapidly expanding. [I have left out a lot of good podcast material about Sol's influence on Sam Walton by the way, please listen to the podcast episode to get all that juicy trivia. ]
-Price Club and Costco merge in June 1993. When this happens, the new Price Costco is just a little bit bigger than Sam's Club in terms of number of stores and revenue - so this was sort of inevitable just to keep up with Sam's Club.
Details about Costco Economics:
- Costco LIMITS the profit margin all of its products
"Ben: This is super interesting. Costco basically wants to provide insane value to consumers. They want you to get a better deal as a member than you could possibly get by shopping anywhere else. How do they go about doing this? They have enforced a strict cap on the margin that they are willing to make on any product. They have decided internally that they are not allowed to markup anything more than 14% above what the suppliers sell it to them for.
I'll tell you, they are tough but fair with their suppliers and making sure that they get a great price for their members. Costco decides, we will only markup anything a maximum of 14%. They actually do mark other things up less than that because things like electronics, they actually can only mark up 6%, 7%, 8%. Maximum is 14%. The only exception to this is Kirkland Signature, where they cheat a little bit and let themselves go up to 15%. Quite indulgent. "
"Jim Sinegal has a great quote on this. He was asked about it, and his response was, "You could raise the price of a bottle of ketchup to $1.03 instead of $1, and no one would know. Raising prices just 3% would add 50% to our pre tax income. Why not do it? It's like heroin. You do it a little bit, and you want a little more. Raising prices is the easy way."
David: What I think also, back to the membership, it all comes back to member trust. The members have to trust that they are going to get the absolute best price on everything and that Costco isn't going to be playing these games. Otherwise, they would just go shop at Amazon, Walmart, or wherever. "
Costco's relationship with suppliers:
"Listeners, when you're listening through these, the order is important, the subject of each statement is important, and the phrasing of each statement is important. (1) Obey the law. (2) Take care of our members. (3) Take care of our employees. (4) Respect our suppliers. I find it fascinating that they use the word respect, because they have a posture of tough but fair.
There's this great anecdote. I heard one, but there are 50 examples of this that you can find in various Tegus calls or talking with people who are suppliers to the company, where Costco buyers always ask why when a supplier tries to increase the price. That part's not that novel. I imagine a Walmart buyer also tries to ask why.
The buyers are very deep. They actually know the commodity prices of ingredients from suppliers. Let's take a chocolate company, for example, that sells a chocolate product. If the chocolate company said, hey, the chocolate cost more now, the Costco buyer would say, I know the price of cocoa, I've been watching the commodities market, I understand milk, sugar, butter, why is it more expensive, just give me feedback on that.
A lot of the times, it is like the commodity price has gone up, or they use labor in a certain area that's gone up, or maybe they have a long-dated contract with a supplier of their own that has an artificially high price for some reason until the contract expires.
The Costco buyers will write all of this down, and will keep track of it. Because they manage so few accounts, they actually can keep track of it. Each buyer is only really adding 3, 5, 10, maybe 15 new SKUs a year, but you've managed a very tight set of relationships. They'll just call a supplier back and say, hey, the last time we talked, you'd mentioned that cocoa prices were high, I've noticed they've gone down, are you lowering the prices so that we can lower it for our members? It's this really amazing side benefit of having the low SKU count. They can be tough but fair with suppliers and really stick to it. "
Some talk about Kirkland Signature Brand:
"Nobody is attesting that this Kirkland signature sweatshirt is a Lululemon sweatshirt that has fancy materials and the most cutting edge technology in it, but it is of a certain bar of quality that is sufficient for Costco members. That is the ethos that Costco has around Kirkland Signature, that we're only going to put something out there if we feel that we can create value for you, that it's going to be a lower price than what you could get otherwise, or the flip side of that, that we can make a better product than you could get from any of these branded products that we were either previously stocking or evaluating stocking.
David: Maybe the most obviously and perhaps most famously, where this comes to bear is in wine and liquor sales. The Kirkland Signature wine, you'll get people who are wine snobs that will drink Kirkland Signature wine. They're like, yeah, it's Costco, but this is actually good stuff. Tequila and vodka, it's the same thing.
Ben: Especially for these things that are very clearly difficult to make, and therefore it's made by one of a few people. It is made by a real winemaker, or the batteries definitely made by a company that makes other batteries. It's not like they're low quality batteries. I do think, much like their 11% Target gross margin on everything, Costco looks at their house brand as an opportunity to provide value to members, not an opportunity to capture more margin for themselves.
David: Yup. They also have a pretty unique opportunity, they realized, with their house brand. Because of the very small number of SKUs that they're putting in the warehouse, there's much less competition on the shelves for any given product category for the house brand.
You mentioned, Whole Foods has the 365 House brand, Walmart has their house brand, blah-blah-blah, all these big retailers do; Safeway certainly does. But in a standard retail environment, the house brand is going to be one of 5, 6, or 10 different brands of a given product category on the shelves. At Costco, it's one of two, three."
Costco Logistics:
"We've mentioned logistics a few times and that the low SKU count means that they can meaningfully simplify their logistics. To put a point on that, they only have so many suppliers who are bringing goods to Costco. The fact that they sell in bulk means that they can bring a whole pallet into a warehouse and consumers just come and pluck it off the pallet. It's wholesale. It's a wholesale club, but there's something we haven't talked about, which is Costco's distribution centers.
They use something called a cross dock system for their distribution centers. Remember, I mentioned back in the Press Club days, it's a little bit more complicated today. Not all the suppliers just show up to the one store or the one warehouse with all the goods. They actually do need some system to receive things from suppliers and bring them to stores.
David: Back in the Press Club days, there were no distribution centers.
Ben: Exactly, but here's how the distribution centers work. Trucks pull up on one side and unload pallets, that's where the suppliers trucks are. On the other side of the warehouse, there are Costco trucks.
What happens is, since they move stuff entirely by the pallet, no partial pallets, these few things go to this store, these few things go to that store, the supplier trucks unload the pallets. They just get scooted across the dock to go directly to a Costco warehouse. Within minutes to hours, that truck leaves, and there's no unwrapping of individual boxes. There's nothing sitting overnight in the facility.
This is so much simpler, and it really plays into that cash flow dynamic, where things can be available for sale so fast. Just to underscore how differentiated the system is, 92% of Costco's merchandise is crossdocked. Only 10% of Walmart has crossdocked merchandise on a pallet system like this."
".... This also plays into this labor thing. You can totally pay your employees more when you need less people to generate the same amount of sales. You don't have wasted manpower unwrapping items from pallets, no one turning the labels out to look pretty. The customers do all of this. It legitimately means they just need less people. This is why they generate over $730,000 of revenue per employee. They're just efficient in aligning their trade-offs. "
Membership:
Ben: One that we haven't talked about is the economics of membership. There are the obvious ones that everyone realizes. Today, the base level membership is $60. As a consumer, I assume I'm getting some good deal by paying $60. Even before learning too much about Costco, I'm aware that that $60 is something I'm paying up front to get the benefit of some low prices later. Let's analyze some of the second order effects of membership, which I think are potentially even more interesting than the obvious ones.
David: There's a lot of psychology happening here.
Ben: Yes. The first one is that it actually selects for wealthy customers.
David: Yes, this is amazing.
Ben: As does buying in bulk. The items that you're buying are literally cheaper per unit. You're saving money, but you need to buy a lot of it upfront, just like you need to pay a membership fee upfront, which means that they tend to get members who are not sensitive to cash flow. They also tend to get members who have space to store stuff at home.
I looked into some of the data on this to try and put some numbers to it. There was an independent research firm that found that the typical Costco consumer makes about $125,000 a year in household income and has a four-year degree. Walmart, by comparison, has a median income of about $80,000. Keep in mind, the median US income is $71,000, so Costco shoppers have a 70% higher income than the US median.
David: This is one of the most surprising things about Costco. They have the lowest prices, but they have the wealthiest consumers of any major retailer.
Ben: It's totally fascinating, and very smart consumers. People who can look at the deal and go, actually, I know I'm coming out ahead on this.
Another interesting psychology around this is when you pay $60 up front, it encourages you to come and use the membership. You are more likely to shop because you've prepaid some of your margin dollars.
The Executive Membership:
"You can spend an extra $60, so a total of $120 instead of $60. What you get for that is 2% cashback on your transactions. That 2% cashback is limited, but it's limited. It's something crazy. You can only get $1000 back.
David: A $60 incremental investment for $1000 back is pretty good.
Ben: Right. If you actually hit that $1000, it would mean you're spending $50,000 at Costco a year.
David: Wow. I'm sure there are people who have been doing it.
Ben: The break even point of this $60 is $3000, which is not that hard to hit. In fact, it's right around, and I suspect this is why management price is that way, it's right around the average household spend at Costco. They want to make it basically breakeven for basically everyone.
David: Which is so awesome and also different from other retailers. Now there are all sorts of fancy technology systems to do this, but Costco has always been able to track customer spend at the individual level because they're all members. They have accounts for all of them.
Ben: A hundred percent. Other people might invent something like this to say, well, we're going to bet that they won't use it. They won't shop here enough, and we'll get to make some money on the people who are infrequent shoppers. We're excited about that, and we'll basically get the breakage on people who pay for the upgraded membership but don't shop enough. That's not at all what Costco is doing here.
To illustrate that, here's the insane part of it. If you do not use it, they will refund it. Is there anything more Costco than that? It is an amazing value for members. It is such a good value that 55% of US members now do it.
But much like everything else we've talked about with Costco, it is also amazing for Costco, because they get your money at the beginning of the year further advantaging their cash flow position. It gets even better because it makes you more likely to go shop there now since you get even better deals with the cashback.
Effectively, instead of getting the 14% gross margin, Costco is now only making a 12% margin on you when you shop there. As long as you're spending $3000 or more, it basically just makes Costco's margin even lower for everything you purchase. Interestingly, 45% of paid members worldwide are executive members, but those members represent 73% of sales.
Whether by causation or correlation, executive members just spend more. Estimates are that regular members buy less than 1/3 of what executive members do. It's this fascinating customer segmentation thing, where Costco just gets to know and reward the most frequent shoppers who do the highest volume purchasing. Executive members, as you would guess, also renew at a higher rate."
Rotisserie Chickens:
"Ben: Okay, when do they vertically integrate? They will do it when they can provide enough value to members to make it worth increasing their overhead. Here's the chickens example. They sell 500 million chickens a year, not pounds, chickens.
David: That's like a US and Canada population worth of chickens a year.
Ben: That is exactly right. Don't think about it too much. That's also the thing with the chickens. A hundred and thirty million of which are rotisserie chickens.
Even just the rotisserie chicken business alone, that's a third of the US eats rotisserie chicken every year. The rest, of course, are chicken breasts, chicken thighs, legs, and everything. The chickens used in the food court for the chicken bake because of course, when they make stuff, they actually make it themselves. When you go buy muffins, those are baked at Costco in their bakery.
There are really only four or five chicken processing companies in America. When you have supplier concentration like that, prices can get artificially inflated. You could be on the wrong end of the stick as the buyer when there are so few suppliers.
Costco decided, we're going to be doing this for a long time. We think our members might be getting a raw deal, so what should we do? We can provide more value to members by doing the insane work of processing this ourselves. First, they figured out, we can rent 100% of the capacity of a plant in Alabama to learn the ropes of like, we're warehouse merchants, now we're becoming chicken processors. How does this work?
They learned, and then they proceeded to build their own fully-owned facility in Fremont, Nebraska, outside of Omaha, and build relationships with 150 local farmers in the surrounding area. This is nuts. That facility processes 2 million chickens a week now. It worked.
To take that even further, there are two other dedicated facilities that they don't fully own but that just are for Costco. They can now process 200 million chickens a year. While they're still working with the other big chicken processors, at least Costco can keep them honest on pricing now by taking on this huge amount of vertical integration themselves."
There's more I might add later, but please if you've read this far already you might as well listen to the episode. At 1.2x speed, it's pretty manageable for a long commute or three.
2023.10.23 18:08 khybrid95 I am a 28 year old woman making $120,000 as a Corporate Paralegal in New York and this week I couponed for free soup.
Hi! This is an update MD, mine was published back in summer of 2022. https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/paralegal-brooklyn-ny-salary-money-diary
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: $71,455.43 (two different 401k accounts, my current employer matches 100% of the first 3%, a ROTH IRA (from when I was lower income) a Traditional IRA, and an HSA)
High Yield Savings Account balance: $6,864.53 (most of this is emergency fund, just restarted my travel fund for a Japan/Korea trip)
Checking account balance: $4,806.26
Vested Company Stock: $25,000 (this is Monopoly money in my head until we IPO and I sell so I don’t typically calculate this with my net worth bc it’s all estimated but wanted to include for transparency, I vest another $25,000 every work anniversary for the next 3 years)
Bitcoin: ~$24,000 (this is the same bitcoin I referenced in my last MD, an ex gave it to me when it was worthless, I still haven’t cashed it out)
Student loan debt: $9,531.57 for a BA in History. (My tuition was covered by scholarships, this is the last third of room and board)
Credit Card balance: $2,342.41
Current Assets: $131,126.22
Current Debt: $11,873.98
NET WORTH: $119,252.24
Section Two: Income
Income Progression:
I've been working in my field for 6 years, my starting salary was $42,000.
I have never changed careers post college but I have recently made a large change professionally. I’ve spent the first 5 years of employment working in litigation (primarily for patents and complex business disputes) I was drawn to that work because I’m good at science/math, the high potential for overtime, and the higher than average salary for people who specialize in practice area.
During the pandemic (and around the time I was writing my last MD, I was ignoring the impending burnout. I was clocking 80+ hours a week. It was hard to see my friends, family, or even take a lunch break. It all came to a head when courts started reopening and I was still working on 15+ cases AND traveling for trials. The money was great and I was intellectually stimulated but I knew wasn’t tenable long term.
I didn’t get the job I interviewed for that was referenced in my last money diary as they went through a hiring freeze. But a month later, a financial tech start-up reached out with a similar offer. A In-house corporate position working directly with the CEO and General Counsel. I’d have to be a self starter and they’d on rare occasions need me to work late but otherwise it’s a traditional 9-5 job. I interviewed, and mentioned that while I’ve only ever worked in litigation I’m an eager learner and really invested in financial freedom/a lot of the ideals around the company (not just lip service, I’m very happy to be working in the financial advice space now) and landed the job! I could be making more by now if I had stayed at my last firm, or even switched firms but I already make plenty of money AND now I have a semblance of a stable life. I don’t think I can ever go back.
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
GROSS: $10,000
NET: $5,443.46
Deductions:
Insurance: 100% covered by companyFSA: $60
401(k): $1,874.00
Transit: $70
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $2,024.85 My half of the rent. I moved into a two bed with my SO that was mentioned in my R29MD.
Retirement contributions: $500 IRA
Savings contributions: $500 Currently adding to my emergency fund and vacation fund
Debt payments: $200 to my student loans. I have two, I contribute above the minimum payment (mainly to the one with the larger interested rate!) I sometimes double this payment if I have extra money but I’m just not super pressed about this right now. I want cash on hand to fund the upcoming holidays.
Donations: I volunteer with some attorneys who do pro bono work for asylum seekers. I fill out paperwork and attend court hearings with clients who don’t understand the American legal system well. I also try to donate a few hundred dollars in cash and I coupon for items year round to donate to pet/homeless/women’s shelters. I also knit hats, scarves, and gloves to donate to people I see on the train when it gets cold.
Electric: average $100
Gas: average $10
Wifi: $40
Verizon cellphone unlimited plan: $109.10
Subscriptions: CrunchyRoll $10, Hulu/Disney/ESPN (Amex pays), Apple Music $11, Heyday monthly 50 minute facial $130, NYT (Paper, Cooking, and Games) $15 Cheeky $35 a quarter for a new retainer (I have intense TMJ and chew threw retainers like it’s a full time job)
SLT Monthly membership: $440 (this is a mega-former Pilates studio I get up to 1 class a day, work covers $100 of this)
Monthly Therapy: $20 copay
Money for grandparents: $150/200 My Korean grandparents needed specialty hospice care. My parents and pay for most of it but I like try to send them something every month.
YNAB: Annual plan $99
Credit card annual fees:
AMEX Platinum: $695
Amex delta gold: $99
Chase Sapphire Preferred: $95
*My SO and I do not combine finances, we just split bills down the middle, share subscriptions, (that’s why Netflix or HBO isn’t listed above) but we do like treat each other to dinnegifts/classes etc. I currently make about $20,000 more base salary than he does. We usually end up close to the same number once his commission hits at the end of the year.
Day 1 Sunday
6:30 AM - Woke up and tried to get dressed without waking up M. Brush my teeth, put on some Supergoop sunscreen, and read the paper. Run out and take the train to my Lagree pilates (SLT) class. $5.80 (*round trip)
9:00 AM - back at home chugging a protein shake and taking a shower and wash my face with Vanicream Gentle Facial Cleanser. I also run through my AM skincare routine that includes Laneige Cream Skin, Paula’s Choice Vitamin C Super Booster, Dieux Instant Angel, and another hit of Supergoop sunscreen. M tells me to get dressed “practically but cute enough for pictures”. I put on some leggings and a fun fall sweater. I give myself an airwrap blow out and do a simple face of make up (Haus labs concealer, Hourglass ambient lighting powder, Urban Decay Moondust eyeshadow, Charlotte Tilbury Eyes to Mesmerize Creme shadow, Tartelette tubing mascara).
10:30 AM - We’re in the car, and he hasn’t given me a hint as to where we’re going but we are driving in a direction that makes me think we’re going to be in Staten Island or New Jersey for the day.
11:30 AM - He took me to an Asian pear farm! I’m allergic to apples but M loves fall activities so he found this place as a compromise. He got us tickets and paid for the pears we picked. I offered to pay for lunch in return so long as he also took us to H-Mart and Costco. We shook on it.
1:30 PM - We’re currently not drinking so our meals out of the house have gotten significantly cheaper. We got some seltzer spritzers, smoked salmon and avocado toast for him, and a turkey burger for me. They messed up our order at first so they also gave us a free app of Brussel sprouts. I told the waiter that that we really didn’t mind and they didn’t have to do that but they insisted. I made sure to tip as if it was included on the bill and a little extra. $62.80
3:00 PM - Going to Costco always requires me to black out the whole experience. I love it so much but people really are zombies in there. I picked up an air purifier, coconut water, rotisserie chicken, protein shakes, tea, cereal, toothpaste, and a phone charging stand $437.46.
3:30 PM - H mart was a lot more chill. We picked up our actual groceries, green onions, 3 kinds of mushrooms, fresh baby corn, Napa cabbage, lots of tofu (extra firm and silken), squid, thinly sliced lamb, shrimp chips, instant ramen, frozen udon noodles, soy sauce, skyr, instant dashi, cucumbers, kimchi, seaweed, milk, eggs, bean sprouts, soup rice cakes, frozen blueberries, and concord grapes. M pays (but it was about $180.00)
6:00 PM - We’re starving when we get home, so the moment the groceries are put away we tear into the rotisserie chicken and pair it with some left over roasted cauliflower. We spend the rest of the night watching football then Coraline and eating kettle cooked potato chips.
$506.06
Day 2 Monday
8:00 AM - WFH day, so I spend as much time as possible in bed and take my time with my AM skincare before going downstairs to my guest room/home office.
12:30 PM - M knocks on the door and brings me lunch. A turkey breast, avocado, tomato sandwich with a blueberry smoothie. He tells me he’s got meetings the rest of the day so he’ll be closing the bedroom door until he’s done. I tell him thank you and that I’ll handle dinner.
2:00 PM - I’ve finished a few research projects from the CEO so I take my “lunch break” to get a head start on pho for dinner. I use the Costco rotisserie chicken (and bones) that we didn’t finish do start a pho soup base. I quickly char some onions and ginger, toast some spices, and bring everything up to a low boil. I look up at the clock and see I still have another 20 minutes to myself so I decide to take a quick walk to the park and back.
5:30 PM - I close my laptop and put it in my work bag so it’s ready for tomorrow. I go into the kitchen and prep some herbs, wash some bean sprouts, thinly slice some onions and frozen ribeye. I notice the bedroom door is still closed so I lower the heat on the stock and play Inscryption on my PS5 while I wait for him to come down.
7:30 PM - M sets the table while I cook the noodles and plate dinner. We sit down, discuss the schedule for the rest of the week (what days I’ll be going to the office, when we think we’ll be working late, if friends are coming over, and who should handle dinnelaundry this week). We sit on the couch and I knit while rewatching Barbarian.
10:00 PM - Off to bed, do my skin care routine, brush and floss. M goes straight to sleep, but I stay up to finish reading Time Shelter.
$0.00
Day 3 Tuesday
4:00 AM - Wake up to M’s alarm. I savor the warmth of the bed while he gets up and double checks that he’s packed everything he needs. I scroll through TikTok to wake up and we leave so I can drop him off at the airport. No traffic (bc it’s the ass crack of dawn) so I get home with still plenty of time to go back to sleep for another hour or two.
8:00 AM - Wake up again, cursing my luck that I wasn’t born a trust fund baby and need to start getting ready. I let myself procrastinate 5 more minutes by downloading Demon Copperhead to read on the train ($16.99) before finally getting up and get ready for the day. Take the train into work $2.90.
11:30 AM - My mornings are generally quiet but busy. My managers are both west coast. So 9am -noon I’m left to my own devices. I work well by myself so I relish the hours I get to plug away at my work without constant pings. However, this was a weird day where everyone else in the company needed things from me. The CTO and CFO both separately dropped by to ask for me to review the lease agreement and to reach out to a few of our payment processing vendors. My whole morning was drained from those requests alone. By the time my bosses were online I had hardly gotten to the requests they left for me the night before.
12:30 PM - lunch has arrived! My office pays for catering in an attempt to get higher in office attendance. TBH it works for me. It saves me a ton of money and (almost as importantly) stress. Today is Indian food, so I fix a plate basmati rice, lamb saag, and cucumber raita.
4:30 PM - I manage to get enough done that I think I’ll be able to leave on time. I book another pilates class for after work and pray that I didn’t just jinx myself.
6:00 pm - I’m leaving on time! I grab a water bottle from the fridge and head out to SLT. ($5.80 including the trip home).
8:00 PM - post shower and protein shake I realize I’ve neglected updating my budget with my most recent paycheck. I decide to head around the corner and order myself a little treat. Jerk chicken, plantains, and festival to take the edge off $15.00. I fire up YNAB and start divvying up my paycheck. Along with filling up the typical envelopes (rent, bills, etc) I add some money to my vacation fund, a little extra for gifts, and a fund M and I started to get a cat.
9:00 PM - M’s plane has been delayed so he called to tell me he’ll just get a cab home and expense it to his company. I spend the rest of my night applying press on nails (I miss being able to afford manicures but I just can’t justify it right now!) and catching up on Jujutsu Kaisen. I light some candles and do the long version nighttime skincare routine (mostly the same products just massaging my face longer and using a red light mask) while FaceTiming my best girlfriend who’s in Colorado finishing her Ph.D.
$40.69
Day 4 Wednesday
6:30 AM - Wake up and see M managed to sneak in without waking me up. He tells me he’s going to sleep in and have a late start today. I quietly get ready and run to the corner cafe. I grab a chai latte and a blueberry muffin ($10.00) and leave it in the fridge for M to have later before getting on the train $2.90.
8:00 AM - I beat everyone to the office today and decide to take residence in one of the lounges so I can get comfortable while reviewing my inbox and the pile of physical mail that’s come in today.
12:00 PM - Stuck in a strategy meeting with the CEO who’s visiting for a board meeting. I look out of the boardroom with envy seeing my work friends plow through the Peruvian food bar the office manager set up. But I refocus as questions get directed to me.
1:00 PM - We break for lunch. My boss mercifully lets me know I don’t need to come back in after lunch. They’ll need some docs notarized later but the convo won’t be relevant to anything with me. I eat while playing banana grams before going back to my desk.
6:00 PM - RUNNING out of work today before the CEO can call me back into his office. $2.90.
7:00 PM - I walked into the apartment to see that has M prepped hot pot for dinner, he also made me a batch of Gochujang Caramel Cookies for me to take to bookclub tomorrow! And he invited L (my previous roommate)! We all eat until we can’t anymore. We put on some records and play Azul and Splendor before watching The Lighthouse. L leaves to walk home and M and I get ready for bed. I stay up a bit later reading Yellowface.
$15.80
Day 5 Thursday
7:30 am - you know how some days you just wake up energized? Today was randomly one of those days so I did a whole morning routine. Hair and everything. Out the door, but go right back in to grab the cookies M made for book club and on my way to work $2.90.
12:00 PM - An ideal work morning. I was left alone and was able to get through so much work and finish up some research projects. I get stressed out if I’m so busy I can’t work ahead on projects or clear my to-do lists. I take a break to eat at the dim sum bar my office manager set up.
6:00 PM - Finish work and head to book club! $2.90. This month’s was a book was my nomination: How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures. We’ve been on a streak of bad choices but this one finally broke it! Finally a book club discussion that wasn’t just complaining (not that those can’t be fun but I love hearing other people’s analysis of the reading and we’re a group that’s more likely to do that if we’re happy about the reading). We ate all of the cookies M made for us and some japchae the host made. I head home buzzing with joy and excited for next month’s book. $2.90
9:30 PM - I get home and see M and one of his friends on the couch watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They extend an invite to join them “[they] just started the movie!”. But I decline in favor of getting into my plushest robe so I can brush, floss, and complete my skincare routine nice and early. I spend the rest of the night reading on my patio sectional while sipping seltzer.
$8.70
Day 6 Friday
8:30 AM - A glorious WFH day. AND my managers are both OOO as they’re traveling. I fully plan on doing enough work to clear my desk and cruising the rest of the day. I get ready, eat some icelandic provisions yogurt, whisk up a matcha latte, and set out to answer any questions I left for myself yesterday.
1:00 PM- I’ve completed just about every task I needed to this week so I decide I’ll have a quick snack of hummus and pita chips and clean for an hour or two.
4:00 PM - I sit back down and start a list of research topics that the CCO and I should start to think about to prepare for next quarter, review some marketing materials to make sure all of our legal disclosures are listed, redline our terms of service for the next app update, and make a to-do list in Notion for the next week. About an hour before my typical end of day I decide to browse Sephora for a bit to start building my cart for the upcoming sale and eventually walk away from my work computer entirely so I can watch the newest episode of Spyxfamily.
7:00 PM - M comes down freshly showered and says he’s craving something new and it’ll be his treat. I mention a Oaxacan place I saw a write up for that’s known for it’s aguachile and tostadas. He’s sold so we’re in his car on our way to Williamsburg before we can even blink.
9:00 PM - We leave stuffed to the gills. Tuna tostadas, Ceaser salad, octopus and scallop aguachile, and hibiscus pie. I offer to split the bill but he told me he wanted to cover it. (It was around $100 after tip.) We take a little walk around the neighborhood before climbing back in the car and heading home. We spend the rest of the night discussing upcoming travel plans while watching the original Night of the Living Dead before falling asleep.
$0.00
Day 7 Saturday
6:30 AM - Early wake up for SLT. Because it’s lightly raining, I don’t bother doing much besides brushing my teeth and slapping on some sunscreen. $2.90 I get to class and chat with the instructor and the other regular at this class I really like. While this instructor is the friendliest before class, she’s also the meanest during class. Which is probably why I like her so much. She regularly adjusts my form not just to get it better, but to make the class harder. My arms have never been more than spaghetti before her so I’m thankful but in the moment I’m anything but. I leave on wobbly legs but a smile on my face.
8:00 AM - What’s better than a Target run? A morning Target run, no one is here!! I take a quick look to see if they have any new nail polish colors I like but when I don’t see anything I make my way to the canned goods section. I’m here for one thing really. They’re running a promotion on Progresso soups but after an online rebate I’ll end up making $7.00 so I grab 10 cans of different kinds of soup pay ($17.29) out of pocket. And grab a train home $2.90.
9:00 AM - I rinse off, gulp down a protein shake, and submit my receipt for a $25 rebate. I place the soup in the part of my pantry that’s earmarked for end of year donations and hear M come down the stairs. We already agreed that today will be a pretty lazy day so I’m not at all surprised to hear him turn on the TV and flick on the newest episodes of Love is Blind.
1:00 PM - M is on the couch snacking on some yogurt and granola, I’m not hungry so I’m in the kitchen prepping dinner. Due to the weather I’m craving soup. So I stuff a whole raw chicken with sweet rice, whole cloves of garlic, ginseng, and scallions, cover the whole thing with some salted water and let it reach a simmer. M helps me clear the kitchen and then we set about installing curtains in our guest bedroom and living room. We bought all of the equipment and curtains weeks ago and have been too lazy to do it until now!
3:30 PM - The curtains are up and I call my mother. I wanted to double check that the mental recipe I have in my head matches hers. She lets me know that she intends on buying my little sister a house or condo in so she can move out of my parent’s house and I can’t lie it stings. My parents have never offered to do anything like that for me. Even my college fund was given to my sister when I became a senior in high school after saying I no longer wanted to become an engineer like my father. I press a little and ask why my sister gets a whole mortgage covered while they won’t even consider helping with closing costs/a downpayment and she just says “Well, your sister needs the help. You’ll figure it out, just spend less.” The explanation doesn’t help so I wind down the conversation so I can get off the phone. M didn’t hear the whole call but he can tell I’m upset and tells me to just relax on the couch and talks me down. He puts on a record and handles doing the laundry while I tidy up the guest room/home office.
7:30 PM - I shred the chicken, add salt, pepper, scallions, and sesame seeds to taste and serve up ladles of the soup with bowls of rice and some different kimchi I made last week. We eat the soup, I freeze and label the leftovers, and we continue our horror movie Marathon with The Shining and some Ghia and seltzer cocktails.
$23.09
TOTAL: $594.34
I feel like this was a fairly normal week for right now. My finances are still recovering from moving in with M so outside of buying things I’ve already earmarked money for like the air purifier at the Costco I’m trying to not spend. Once the holiday season is over and my emergency fund gets topped off I’ll be saving aggressively for an apartment in the city. Hopefully I can achieve that dream in 3 years. I plan on putting this Christmas bonus away as the start for that. But I think I need to start considering where I can cut back without being miserable. That and/or pushing for a raise at work, now that I’ve been here for a year and everyone has commented how much they like my work-product I can make a strong case for a raise.
submitted by khybrid95 to MoneyDiariesACTIVE [link] [comments]
Section One: Assets and Debt
Retirement Balance: $71,455.43 (two different 401k accounts, my current employer matches 100% of the first 3%, a ROTH IRA (from when I was lower income) a Traditional IRA, and an HSA)
High Yield Savings Account balance: $6,864.53 (most of this is emergency fund, just restarted my travel fund for a Japan/Korea trip)
Checking account balance: $4,806.26
Vested Company Stock: $25,000 (this is Monopoly money in my head until we IPO and I sell so I don’t typically calculate this with my net worth bc it’s all estimated but wanted to include for transparency, I vest another $25,000 every work anniversary for the next 3 years)
Bitcoin: ~$24,000 (this is the same bitcoin I referenced in my last MD, an ex gave it to me when it was worthless, I still haven’t cashed it out)
Student loan debt: $9,531.57 for a BA in History. (My tuition was covered by scholarships, this is the last third of room and board)
Credit Card balance: $2,342.41
Current Assets: $131,126.22
Current Debt: $11,873.98
NET WORTH: $119,252.24
Section Two: Income
Income Progression:
I've been working in my field for 6 years, my starting salary was $42,000.
I have never changed careers post college but I have recently made a large change professionally. I’ve spent the first 5 years of employment working in litigation (primarily for patents and complex business disputes) I was drawn to that work because I’m good at science/math, the high potential for overtime, and the higher than average salary for people who specialize in practice area.
During the pandemic (and around the time I was writing my last MD, I was ignoring the impending burnout. I was clocking 80+ hours a week. It was hard to see my friends, family, or even take a lunch break. It all came to a head when courts started reopening and I was still working on 15+ cases AND traveling for trials. The money was great and I was intellectually stimulated but I knew wasn’t tenable long term.
I didn’t get the job I interviewed for that was referenced in my last money diary as they went through a hiring freeze. But a month later, a financial tech start-up reached out with a similar offer. A In-house corporate position working directly with the CEO and General Counsel. I’d have to be a self starter and they’d on rare occasions need me to work late but otherwise it’s a traditional 9-5 job. I interviewed, and mentioned that while I’ve only ever worked in litigation I’m an eager learner and really invested in financial freedom/a lot of the ideals around the company (not just lip service, I’m very happy to be working in the financial advice space now) and landed the job! I could be making more by now if I had stayed at my last firm, or even switched firms but I already make plenty of money AND now I have a semblance of a stable life. I don’t think I can ever go back.
- Year 1 $42,000 + $8,000 in bonuses
- Year 2 and 3 $60,000 + $11,000 in overtime $3,000 in bonuses
- Year 4 and 5 $77,000/80,000 + $20,000 in overtime $2,000 in bonuses
- Year 6 $120,000 + $6,000 in bonuses
Main Job Monthly Take Home:
GROSS: $10,000
NET: $5,443.46
Deductions:
Insurance: 100% covered by companyFSA: $60
401(k): $1,874.00
Transit: $70
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $2,024.85 My half of the rent. I moved into a two bed with my SO that was mentioned in my R29MD.
Retirement contributions: $500 IRA
Savings contributions: $500 Currently adding to my emergency fund and vacation fund
Debt payments: $200 to my student loans. I have two, I contribute above the minimum payment (mainly to the one with the larger interested rate!) I sometimes double this payment if I have extra money but I’m just not super pressed about this right now. I want cash on hand to fund the upcoming holidays.
Donations: I volunteer with some attorneys who do pro bono work for asylum seekers. I fill out paperwork and attend court hearings with clients who don’t understand the American legal system well. I also try to donate a few hundred dollars in cash and I coupon for items year round to donate to pet/homeless/women’s shelters. I also knit hats, scarves, and gloves to donate to people I see on the train when it gets cold.
Electric: average $100
Gas: average $10
Wifi: $40
Verizon cellphone unlimited plan: $109.10
Subscriptions: CrunchyRoll $10, Hulu/Disney/ESPN (Amex pays), Apple Music $11, Heyday monthly 50 minute facial $130, NYT (Paper, Cooking, and Games) $15 Cheeky $35 a quarter for a new retainer (I have intense TMJ and chew threw retainers like it’s a full time job)
SLT Monthly membership: $440 (this is a mega-former Pilates studio I get up to 1 class a day, work covers $100 of this)
Monthly Therapy: $20 copay
Money for grandparents: $150/200 My Korean grandparents needed specialty hospice care. My parents and pay for most of it but I like try to send them something every month.
YNAB: Annual plan $99
Credit card annual fees:
AMEX Platinum: $695
Amex delta gold: $99
Chase Sapphire Preferred: $95
*My SO and I do not combine finances, we just split bills down the middle, share subscriptions, (that’s why Netflix or HBO isn’t listed above) but we do like treat each other to dinnegifts/classes etc. I currently make about $20,000 more base salary than he does. We usually end up close to the same number once his commission hits at the end of the year.
Day 1 Sunday
6:30 AM - Woke up and tried to get dressed without waking up M. Brush my teeth, put on some Supergoop sunscreen, and read the paper. Run out and take the train to my Lagree pilates (SLT) class. $5.80 (*round trip)
9:00 AM - back at home chugging a protein shake and taking a shower and wash my face with Vanicream Gentle Facial Cleanser. I also run through my AM skincare routine that includes Laneige Cream Skin, Paula’s Choice Vitamin C Super Booster, Dieux Instant Angel, and another hit of Supergoop sunscreen. M tells me to get dressed “practically but cute enough for pictures”. I put on some leggings and a fun fall sweater. I give myself an airwrap blow out and do a simple face of make up (Haus labs concealer, Hourglass ambient lighting powder, Urban Decay Moondust eyeshadow, Charlotte Tilbury Eyes to Mesmerize Creme shadow, Tartelette tubing mascara).
10:30 AM - We’re in the car, and he hasn’t given me a hint as to where we’re going but we are driving in a direction that makes me think we’re going to be in Staten Island or New Jersey for the day.
11:30 AM - He took me to an Asian pear farm! I’m allergic to apples but M loves fall activities so he found this place as a compromise. He got us tickets and paid for the pears we picked. I offered to pay for lunch in return so long as he also took us to H-Mart and Costco. We shook on it.
1:30 PM - We’re currently not drinking so our meals out of the house have gotten significantly cheaper. We got some seltzer spritzers, smoked salmon and avocado toast for him, and a turkey burger for me. They messed up our order at first so they also gave us a free app of Brussel sprouts. I told the waiter that that we really didn’t mind and they didn’t have to do that but they insisted. I made sure to tip as if it was included on the bill and a little extra. $62.80
3:00 PM - Going to Costco always requires me to black out the whole experience. I love it so much but people really are zombies in there. I picked up an air purifier, coconut water, rotisserie chicken, protein shakes, tea, cereal, toothpaste, and a phone charging stand $437.46.
3:30 PM - H mart was a lot more chill. We picked up our actual groceries, green onions, 3 kinds of mushrooms, fresh baby corn, Napa cabbage, lots of tofu (extra firm and silken), squid, thinly sliced lamb, shrimp chips, instant ramen, frozen udon noodles, soy sauce, skyr, instant dashi, cucumbers, kimchi, seaweed, milk, eggs, bean sprouts, soup rice cakes, frozen blueberries, and concord grapes. M pays (but it was about $180.00)
6:00 PM - We’re starving when we get home, so the moment the groceries are put away we tear into the rotisserie chicken and pair it with some left over roasted cauliflower. We spend the rest of the night watching football then Coraline and eating kettle cooked potato chips.
$506.06
Day 2 Monday
8:00 AM - WFH day, so I spend as much time as possible in bed and take my time with my AM skincare before going downstairs to my guest room/home office.
12:30 PM - M knocks on the door and brings me lunch. A turkey breast, avocado, tomato sandwich with a blueberry smoothie. He tells me he’s got meetings the rest of the day so he’ll be closing the bedroom door until he’s done. I tell him thank you and that I’ll handle dinner.
2:00 PM - I’ve finished a few research projects from the CEO so I take my “lunch break” to get a head start on pho for dinner. I use the Costco rotisserie chicken (and bones) that we didn’t finish do start a pho soup base. I quickly char some onions and ginger, toast some spices, and bring everything up to a low boil. I look up at the clock and see I still have another 20 minutes to myself so I decide to take a quick walk to the park and back.
5:30 PM - I close my laptop and put it in my work bag so it’s ready for tomorrow. I go into the kitchen and prep some herbs, wash some bean sprouts, thinly slice some onions and frozen ribeye. I notice the bedroom door is still closed so I lower the heat on the stock and play Inscryption on my PS5 while I wait for him to come down.
7:30 PM - M sets the table while I cook the noodles and plate dinner. We sit down, discuss the schedule for the rest of the week (what days I’ll be going to the office, when we think we’ll be working late, if friends are coming over, and who should handle dinnelaundry this week). We sit on the couch and I knit while rewatching Barbarian.
10:00 PM - Off to bed, do my skin care routine, brush and floss. M goes straight to sleep, but I stay up to finish reading Time Shelter.
$0.00
Day 3 Tuesday
4:00 AM - Wake up to M’s alarm. I savor the warmth of the bed while he gets up and double checks that he’s packed everything he needs. I scroll through TikTok to wake up and we leave so I can drop him off at the airport. No traffic (bc it’s the ass crack of dawn) so I get home with still plenty of time to go back to sleep for another hour or two.
8:00 AM - Wake up again, cursing my luck that I wasn’t born a trust fund baby and need to start getting ready. I let myself procrastinate 5 more minutes by downloading Demon Copperhead to read on the train ($16.99) before finally getting up and get ready for the day. Take the train into work $2.90.
11:30 AM - My mornings are generally quiet but busy. My managers are both west coast. So 9am -noon I’m left to my own devices. I work well by myself so I relish the hours I get to plug away at my work without constant pings. However, this was a weird day where everyone else in the company needed things from me. The CTO and CFO both separately dropped by to ask for me to review the lease agreement and to reach out to a few of our payment processing vendors. My whole morning was drained from those requests alone. By the time my bosses were online I had hardly gotten to the requests they left for me the night before.
12:30 PM - lunch has arrived! My office pays for catering in an attempt to get higher in office attendance. TBH it works for me. It saves me a ton of money and (almost as importantly) stress. Today is Indian food, so I fix a plate basmati rice, lamb saag, and cucumber raita.
4:30 PM - I manage to get enough done that I think I’ll be able to leave on time. I book another pilates class for after work and pray that I didn’t just jinx myself.
6:00 pm - I’m leaving on time! I grab a water bottle from the fridge and head out to SLT. ($5.80 including the trip home).
8:00 PM - post shower and protein shake I realize I’ve neglected updating my budget with my most recent paycheck. I decide to head around the corner and order myself a little treat. Jerk chicken, plantains, and festival to take the edge off $15.00. I fire up YNAB and start divvying up my paycheck. Along with filling up the typical envelopes (rent, bills, etc) I add some money to my vacation fund, a little extra for gifts, and a fund M and I started to get a cat.
9:00 PM - M’s plane has been delayed so he called to tell me he’ll just get a cab home and expense it to his company. I spend the rest of my night applying press on nails (I miss being able to afford manicures but I just can’t justify it right now!) and catching up on Jujutsu Kaisen. I light some candles and do the long version nighttime skincare routine (mostly the same products just massaging my face longer and using a red light mask) while FaceTiming my best girlfriend who’s in Colorado finishing her Ph.D.
$40.69
Day 4 Wednesday
6:30 AM - Wake up and see M managed to sneak in without waking me up. He tells me he’s going to sleep in and have a late start today. I quietly get ready and run to the corner cafe. I grab a chai latte and a blueberry muffin ($10.00) and leave it in the fridge for M to have later before getting on the train $2.90.
8:00 AM - I beat everyone to the office today and decide to take residence in one of the lounges so I can get comfortable while reviewing my inbox and the pile of physical mail that’s come in today.
12:00 PM - Stuck in a strategy meeting with the CEO who’s visiting for a board meeting. I look out of the boardroom with envy seeing my work friends plow through the Peruvian food bar the office manager set up. But I refocus as questions get directed to me.
1:00 PM - We break for lunch. My boss mercifully lets me know I don’t need to come back in after lunch. They’ll need some docs notarized later but the convo won’t be relevant to anything with me. I eat while playing banana grams before going back to my desk.
6:00 PM - RUNNING out of work today before the CEO can call me back into his office. $2.90.
7:00 PM - I walked into the apartment to see that has M prepped hot pot for dinner, he also made me a batch of Gochujang Caramel Cookies for me to take to bookclub tomorrow! And he invited L (my previous roommate)! We all eat until we can’t anymore. We put on some records and play Azul and Splendor before watching The Lighthouse. L leaves to walk home and M and I get ready for bed. I stay up a bit later reading Yellowface.
$15.80
Day 5 Thursday
7:30 am - you know how some days you just wake up energized? Today was randomly one of those days so I did a whole morning routine. Hair and everything. Out the door, but go right back in to grab the cookies M made for book club and on my way to work $2.90.
12:00 PM - An ideal work morning. I was left alone and was able to get through so much work and finish up some research projects. I get stressed out if I’m so busy I can’t work ahead on projects or clear my to-do lists. I take a break to eat at the dim sum bar my office manager set up.
6:00 PM - Finish work and head to book club! $2.90. This month’s was a book was my nomination: How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures. We’ve been on a streak of bad choices but this one finally broke it! Finally a book club discussion that wasn’t just complaining (not that those can’t be fun but I love hearing other people’s analysis of the reading and we’re a group that’s more likely to do that if we’re happy about the reading). We ate all of the cookies M made for us and some japchae the host made. I head home buzzing with joy and excited for next month’s book. $2.90
9:30 PM - I get home and see M and one of his friends on the couch watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. They extend an invite to join them “[they] just started the movie!”. But I decline in favor of getting into my plushest robe so I can brush, floss, and complete my skincare routine nice and early. I spend the rest of the night reading on my patio sectional while sipping seltzer.
$8.70
Day 6 Friday
8:30 AM - A glorious WFH day. AND my managers are both OOO as they’re traveling. I fully plan on doing enough work to clear my desk and cruising the rest of the day. I get ready, eat some icelandic provisions yogurt, whisk up a matcha latte, and set out to answer any questions I left for myself yesterday.
1:00 PM- I’ve completed just about every task I needed to this week so I decide I’ll have a quick snack of hummus and pita chips and clean for an hour or two.
4:00 PM - I sit back down and start a list of research topics that the CCO and I should start to think about to prepare for next quarter, review some marketing materials to make sure all of our legal disclosures are listed, redline our terms of service for the next app update, and make a to-do list in Notion for the next week. About an hour before my typical end of day I decide to browse Sephora for a bit to start building my cart for the upcoming sale and eventually walk away from my work computer entirely so I can watch the newest episode of Spyxfamily.
7:00 PM - M comes down freshly showered and says he’s craving something new and it’ll be his treat. I mention a Oaxacan place I saw a write up for that’s known for it’s aguachile and tostadas. He’s sold so we’re in his car on our way to Williamsburg before we can even blink.
9:00 PM - We leave stuffed to the gills. Tuna tostadas, Ceaser salad, octopus and scallop aguachile, and hibiscus pie. I offer to split the bill but he told me he wanted to cover it. (It was around $100 after tip.) We take a little walk around the neighborhood before climbing back in the car and heading home. We spend the rest of the night discussing upcoming travel plans while watching the original Night of the Living Dead before falling asleep.
$0.00
Day 7 Saturday
6:30 AM - Early wake up for SLT. Because it’s lightly raining, I don’t bother doing much besides brushing my teeth and slapping on some sunscreen. $2.90 I get to class and chat with the instructor and the other regular at this class I really like. While this instructor is the friendliest before class, she’s also the meanest during class. Which is probably why I like her so much. She regularly adjusts my form not just to get it better, but to make the class harder. My arms have never been more than spaghetti before her so I’m thankful but in the moment I’m anything but. I leave on wobbly legs but a smile on my face.
8:00 AM - What’s better than a Target run? A morning Target run, no one is here!! I take a quick look to see if they have any new nail polish colors I like but when I don’t see anything I make my way to the canned goods section. I’m here for one thing really. They’re running a promotion on Progresso soups but after an online rebate I’ll end up making $7.00 so I grab 10 cans of different kinds of soup pay ($17.29) out of pocket. And grab a train home $2.90.
9:00 AM - I rinse off, gulp down a protein shake, and submit my receipt for a $25 rebate. I place the soup in the part of my pantry that’s earmarked for end of year donations and hear M come down the stairs. We already agreed that today will be a pretty lazy day so I’m not at all surprised to hear him turn on the TV and flick on the newest episodes of Love is Blind.
1:00 PM - M is on the couch snacking on some yogurt and granola, I’m not hungry so I’m in the kitchen prepping dinner. Due to the weather I’m craving soup. So I stuff a whole raw chicken with sweet rice, whole cloves of garlic, ginseng, and scallions, cover the whole thing with some salted water and let it reach a simmer. M helps me clear the kitchen and then we set about installing curtains in our guest bedroom and living room. We bought all of the equipment and curtains weeks ago and have been too lazy to do it until now!
3:30 PM - The curtains are up and I call my mother. I wanted to double check that the mental recipe I have in my head matches hers. She lets me know that she intends on buying my little sister a house or condo in so she can move out of my parent’s house and I can’t lie it stings. My parents have never offered to do anything like that for me. Even my college fund was given to my sister when I became a senior in high school after saying I no longer wanted to become an engineer like my father. I press a little and ask why my sister gets a whole mortgage covered while they won’t even consider helping with closing costs/a downpayment and she just says “Well, your sister needs the help. You’ll figure it out, just spend less.” The explanation doesn’t help so I wind down the conversation so I can get off the phone. M didn’t hear the whole call but he can tell I’m upset and tells me to just relax on the couch and talks me down. He puts on a record and handles doing the laundry while I tidy up the guest room/home office.
7:30 PM - I shred the chicken, add salt, pepper, scallions, and sesame seeds to taste and serve up ladles of the soup with bowls of rice and some different kimchi I made last week. We eat the soup, I freeze and label the leftovers, and we continue our horror movie Marathon with The Shining and some Ghia and seltzer cocktails.
$23.09
TOTAL: $594.34
| Category | Amount |
|---|---|
| Food + Drink | $218.78 |
| Fun / Entertainment | $16.99 |
| Home + Health | $323.77 |
| Clothes + Beauty | $0 |
| Transport | $34.80 |
| Other | $0 |
2023.10.03 13:01 Sushimus Pasting the entire script of shrek breaks unit names
Names become unresponsive and break after a certain point, becoming unuseable until the bad name is corrected. Even unrelated zombies are effected
Script in question:
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
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Script in question:
Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Like that's ever going to happen. What a loony. Shrek Beware Stay out I think he's in here. All right. Lets get it! Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? Yeah. He'll groan into your bones for his brains. Well actually that would be a giant. Now Ogres, huh, they are much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin. They'll chew your livers, squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast. Back, back beast, back! I warned you! Right. This is the part, where you run away. Yeah! And stay out. Wanted. Fairytale creatures. Right, this one is full. Take it away. Give me that. Your fine days are over. -25 pieces of silver for the witch. Next. -Come on. Sit down there! And be quiet! This cage is so small. You wouldn't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please, give me another chance. Oh, shut up! Next. What do we got? This little wooden puppet. I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. No! Please, don't let them do it! Next. What do you got? Well, I've got a talking donkey! Right. Well that's good for ten schillings, if you can prove it. Oh, go ahead fella. Well? He's just a li..., just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. You boneheaded donkey! That's it. I have heard enough. Guards! No, no, he talks, he does! I can talk. I love to talk. I've talked to... Get her out of my sight! -No, no, I swear! Hey, I can fly. -He can fly! -He can fly! He can talk! -That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey! You might have seen house fly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Seize him! Get him! This way! Hurry! You there. Ogre. -I. By the order of lord Farquaad. I am authorized to place you both under arrest. And transport you to designated resettlement facility. Oh really? You and what army? Can I say something to you? Listen, you were really, really something, back there. Incredible. Are you talking to... ...me? Yes, I was talking to you. Can I just tell you that you were really great back there with those guards. They thought that was all over there. And then you showed up and BAM. There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. Oh, that's great. Really. Man, it's good to be free. Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? But I... I don't have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey wait a minute. I have a great idea... I'll stick with you. You and me in green fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spin if anybody crosses us. Oh, a, that was really scary. Maybe you don't mine me saying. If that don't work, your breath will certainly do the job done, 'cause... you definitively need some tic-tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man you've ??? my note! Just like the time... ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man I had some strong gases leaking out of my but that day. Why are you following me? I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone, there is no one here, beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to derive me. But you got to have free ... -Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder, you don't have any friends. Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. Listen! Little donkey. Take a look at me! What am I? A... ...really tall? No! I'm an Ogre. You know, grab your torch and pitchforks. Doesn't that bother you? Nope. Really? -Really really. Oh? Man, I like you. What's your name? A..., Shrek. Shrek?! But do you know, what I like about you, Shrek? You've got that kind of: "I don't care what nobody thinks of me" thing. I like that, I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. Uh, look at that. Who would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my home. Oh, it is lovely. Just beautiful. You know you're quite a decorator. It's amazing what you did with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess, you don't entertain much, do you? I like my privacy. You know I do to. That's another thing, we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You try to give them a hint and they won't leave. And then there's that big occurred silence, you know? Can I stay with you? -What? Can I stay with you, please. Of course! -Really? No. -Please! I don't want to go back there. You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Well..., maybe you do. But that's why we have to stick together! You got to let me stay! Please! Please! OK, OK. -But one night only. -Huh, thank you! A, what are you do... No! This is going to be fun. We can stay up late, swap the manly stories. And in the morning... I'm making waffles. Where do I sleep? Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's cool. You know, I don't know you and you don't know me... ... so I guess, outside is best for me. Here I go. Good night. I do like that half door. I'm a donkey all alone outside. Sit by myself outside, I guess. I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. -I thought, I told you to stay outside. -I am outside. Well James. This is far from the farm, but what choice do we have? It's not... What a lovely bed. -Got you! I found some cheese. Awful stuff. -Is that you Gordon? -How did you know? Enough! What are you doing in my house? Oh, no, no, no... Death prods off the table! Where would we supposed to put her. The bed's taken. What? I live in a swamp. I've put up signs. I'm a terrifying Ogre! What do I have to do, to get a little privacy? Oh, no! No, no! What are you doing in my swamp? All right, get out of here. All of you. Move it! Come on, let's go. And hurry up, hurry up. No, no, not there. Not there! Hey don't look at me. I didn't invite them. Oh gosh, no one invited us. -What? We were forced to come here. -By who? Lord Farquaad. He ??? All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Oh I do. I know where he is. Does anyone else know where to find him? -Anyone at all? -Me. -Anyone? Oh pick me, I know! Me, me. Ok, fine. Attention all fairy tale things! Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially warned up. In fact. I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all off my land and back where you came from. You. You're coming with me. All right. That's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stubborn friends off on a world and big city adventure. I love it. I'm on road again. Sing with me Shrek! I'm on road again... What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Well, can I hummer? -All right. That's enough. He's ready to talk. Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. You monster. I'm not a monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. -Now tell me! Where are the others? -Eat me. I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! -Tell me! Or I'll... -No, no, not the buttons. Not gumdrop buttons. All right! Who's hiding them? Ok, I'll tell you. -Do you know the muffin-man? -The muffin-man? -The muffin-man. -Yes, I know the muffin-man. Who lives on Proully lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The muffin-man! -The muffin-man! -She's married to the muffin-man. My lord! We found it. Well then, what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Magic mirror. Don't tell him anything! Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Well, technically, you're not a king. A..., felonious. -You were saying. -What I mean is a... ...you're not a king, yet. But you can become one. All you have to do, is marry a princess. Go on. So, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are. Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a kemp wearing girl from a land of fantasy. Although she lives with seven other man, she is not easy. Just kiss hers dead frozen lips and find out what a live wife she is. Come on. Give it up for... Show-white. And last but certainly not least. Bachelorette number three is a fire-breathing ????, dragon guarded castle, surrounded by a hot boiling lava. But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number two? Or bachelorette number three? -Two... -Three! -Two! One. No, no, no. Three. Pick number three my lord. Ok, ok. Number three. Lord Farquaad. You've chosen... princess Fiona. She's nice. Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone... But I probably should mention little thing that happens at night... -I'll do it! -Yes, but after sunset... Silence! I will make this princess Fiona my queen. And Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain! Assemble your finest man. We're going to have a tournament! That's it, that's, right there, that's Duloc. I've told you I'll find it. So. That must be lord Farquaad's castle. Aha, that's the place. Do you think maybe he's compensating for something. Hey, hey wait up Shrek! -Hey, you! -No, no! Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Hey look at this. Wow! -Let's do that again. -No. no. All right. You're going the right way for smack bottom. Sorry about that. That champion should have the honor, no, no... ...the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely princess Fiona from the fireing keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner up will take his place. And so on, and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Applause. Let the tournament begin. What is that? Ugh, it's hideous. Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Indeed. Knights! New plan. The one, who kills the Ogre, will be named champion. How about him. Oh, hey. Now, come on. Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. Come on. Hey Shrek! Let me, let me! The chair! Give him the chair! Thank you. Thank you, very much. I'm here until Thursday. Try the wheel! Shall I give the order sir? No. I have a better idea. People of Duloc. I give you our champion! What? Congratulation, Ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back! -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairytale creatures. Indeed. All right Ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was? Down to the last slime covered toast tool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. What kind of quest? Ok, let me get this straight! We gonna go find the dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back the swamp, which you only don't have, 'cause he filled it with full of freaks on the first place. -Is that about right? -You know what? Maybe there is a good reason, donkeys shouldn't talk. I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just pull some old Ogre stuff on them? You know, ??? . Grab his bones to make you brave. You know the whole Ogre trick. Oh, you know what. Maybe I could have decapitated entire village and put their heads on plate. Got a knife, cut open their spleens and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? A, no, not really, no. For your information, there is a lot more to Ogres than people think. -Example. -Example? OK, A-a-m, Ogres are like onions. -They stink? -Yes, no. -O, they make you cry. -No. Oh, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start ??? little wild hairs? No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. O, you both have layers. You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes. Cakes have layers. I don't care what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. You know what else everyone likes? Paffe. Have you ever met a person and you say: "Hey, let's get some paffe" and they say I don't like paffe. Paffe is delicious. No! You tensed, irritating, miniature peace of barden. Ogres are like onions. End of story. Bye, bye. See you lather. Paffe is maybe the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. You know I think I've preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something, 'cause I'm making a mess. Just the word paffe has made me start slimying Why, Shrek, did you do that? Man you got to warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was opened and everything. Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking ??? brimstone. I know what I smell and ??? no brimstone. And they don't come of stone neither. Sure it's big enough, but look at the location. Oh, Shrek, remember when you said that Ogres have layers? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear ??? sleeves. Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of highs. No, I'm just a little uncomfortable of being on a rickety bridge over boiling lake of lava! Come on donkey, I'm right here beside you. Ok? For emotional support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step after time. -Really? -Really really. Ok. That makes me feel so much better. Just keep moving and don't look down. Don't look down, don't look down. Shrek! I'm looking down! I can't do this. Just let me off right now, please. -But you're already half way. -Yeah, but I know that half is safe. Ok, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. Shrek, no, wait. Don't do that! Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh. This? -Yes, that! Yes, yes. Do it. OK. -No, Shrek! -I'm doing it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. That will do Donkey, that will do. Cool. So where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting for us to rescue her. I was talking about the dragon Shrek. -Are you afraid? -No, but shhhhh. Oh, good. Me neither. Because there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Here's a..., something responsible of the situation. Not to mention dangerous situation. And there's dragon that breathes fire. I'm sure he's meaner than a cow or anything, but they're scare. You know what I mean. I'm sure he's heavier than a cow... Donkey. Two things. Ok? Shut, up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess. The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. What makes you think she'll be there? I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs. Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll ???. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they go. The drafting stairs, ??? Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, I'd step all over it. Well, at least we know where the princess is. -But where is the... -Dragon! Donkey, look out! Got you. Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dashing smile you got there. And do I detect the hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're a girl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'course you're a girl dragon, 'cause you're just ricking the feminine beauty out. What's the matter with you? Do you have something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know I'm a asthmatic and I don't know if we would worked out. You'd be blowing smoke and stuff. Shrek! No, Shrek! Shrek! -Wake up! -What? Are you princess Fiona? I am. Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice. Now let's go. But wait, sir knight. This be our first meeting. Should not be wonderful, romantic moment? Yeah. Sorry lady there's no time. Hey, what are you doing? You know, you should sweep me out of my feet. Out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed. You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? Uh-um. But we have to sing through this moment. You can residing of a poem to me. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti. Or something. I don't think so. Well, can I at least know a name of my champion? Shrek. So, Shrek. I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks. -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's not my job to do this. Now, come on! But this isn't right. ??? That's what all the other knights did. Yeah. Right before they burst in the flame. That's not the point. Wait. Where are you going? Exit is over there. Well, I have to save my ass. What kind of knight are you? One of a kind. ...rush into a physical relationship. I'm not that emotionally ready for commitment of a this magnitude. That was the word I was looking for. Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Ok, ok, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know what am I saying. As friends, maybe even as ??? Hey don't do that. That's my tail. That's ma personal tail. And you're going to tear it off.... Oh, no. No! -It talks?! -Yeah. It's getting to shut up, that's a trick. Ok, you two. Head for the exit. I'll take care of the dragon. Ruuuuun! You did it. You rescued me. Amizing, you're wonderful. You're a ... ...a little unorthodox I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in your debt. And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed. I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed. The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good sir knight. -Aah, no. -Why not? I have helmet hair. Please. I wouldst look upon the face of my rescuer. Oh, no, you wouldn't, dust. But, how will you kiss me? What? That wasn't in a job description. -Maybe it's a perk? -No. It's destiny. You must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss. With Shrek? You think, wait... ...you think Shrek is your true love? Well, yes. You think that Shrek is your true love. What is so funny? Let's just say, I'm not your type, ok? Of course you are. You're my rescuer. Now, now remove your helmet. Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going to. -Take it off! -No! -Now! -Ok, easy. As you command your highness. You're an Ogre. Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. Well, yes, actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an Ogre. Princess, I was sent to rescue you by lord Farquaad, ok? He's the one, who wants to marry you. Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me? Good question. You should ask him that, when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some Ogre and his pet. Well so much for noble steed. Look princess. You're not making my job any easier. Well I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. Hey, I'm no ones messenger boy, all right? -I'm a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. -You coming donkey? -Put me down! Yeah, I'm right behind you. Put me down or you will suffer the consequences. This is not dignified. Put me down. Ok, here's another question. Let's say that a woman 'digged' you, but you don't really like her, that way. Now, how you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt? But you don't get burned to a crisp neither. How do you do this? Just tell her, she's not your true love. Everyone knows it what happens when you find... Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better. Oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess. It's beautiful. And what of my groom to be, lord Farquaad. What's he like? Well, let me put it this way, princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh no, Shrek. There are those who think little of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like lord Farquaad. Yeah. Well maybe you're right princess. But I'd like you do that measuring when you see him tomorrow Tomorrow? It will take that long? -Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No. That would take longer. We can keep going. But there are robbers in the woods. Whoa, time out Shrek. Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hey. Come on. I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest. I need to find somewhere to camp, now! Hey, over here. Shrek, we can do better than that. Now, I don't think this is decent for princess. No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. Homey touches? Like what? A door. Well, gentleman I'll be d..., good night. Do you want me to come in and read you a bedtime story, 'cause I will... I said good night! Shrek! What are you doing? I just..., you know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding. And that one, that's Throwback. The only Ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future form these stars? Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look. There's Blodna, the "Flatulent" You can guess what he is famous for. All right. Now I know you're making this up. No. Look. There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stag. Man, there ain't nothing, but a bunch of little dots. You know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Forget it. Hey Shrek. What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, anyway? -Our swamp? -You know. When we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff. We? Donkey, there is no we. There's no our. There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do, is build a ten foot wall around my land. You cut me deep Shrek, you cut me real deep just now. You know, what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. No, do you think? -Are you hiding something? -Never mind Donkey. Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is one of those drop it and leave it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Oh, Why you block? -I'm not blocking. -Oh yes you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that Shrek. Who? Everyone, ok? -Oh, now we're getting somewhere. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What do you got against the whole world anyway? Look. I'm not the one with the problem, ok? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go: AAA... Help! Run! A big stupid ugly Ogre. They judge me, before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. You know what? When we met, I didn't think you're just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Yeah, I know. So, a... Are there any donkeys up there? Well, there's a Cabby. The small and annoying. Ok, ok. I see him, now. Big shining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon. Again. Show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. Perfect. Yeah. You know I like like that. Oh come on baby... -Donkey. Wake up. -What? -Wake up. Morning. How do you like your eggs? -Good morning princess. -What's all this about? You know, we kind of got of to a bad start yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. Thanks. Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in I always say. But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. You know. You're not exactly what I've expected. Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. Princess! What are you doing? ???mon shery, for I am your saviour. And I am rescuing you from this green...beast. Hey! That's my princess. Go find your own. Please, monster. Can't you see I'm a little busy here? Look, pal. I don't know who you think you are. Oh, of course. How rude that was. Please, let me introduce myself. Oh marry men! Man, that was annoying. Oh, you little... Shall we? ???all the forin??? Whoa, hold on, now. Where did that come from? -What? -That. Back there. That was amazing. Where did you learn that? Well, when one lives alone one has to learn these things in case there's a... There is an arrow in your butt. What? Oh, would you look at that. Oh, no... This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt! -Oh, no. Shrek's going to die. -Donkey, I'm ok. You can't do this to me Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head ???. -Does anyone know how to handle... -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Ok, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of the Donkey. Now, you hold still and I'll yank this thing out. -Hey! Easy with the yanking. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. No, no. It's tender. What you're doing here is the opposite... -Don't move. -Ok, look. Time out. -Would you... Ok. What do you propose we do? Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Hold on, Shrek. I'm coming! Not good. Ok, ok, I can lose it. It's just about it. Nothing happened. We were just a... Look if you want to be alone, all you had to do is ask, ok? Oh, come on. That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just... Au! Hey, what's that? Is that... There it is, princess. -Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? Yeah. I know. You'll shrink things lord Farquaad is compensating for something, which I think needs, he has a I guess we better move on. Sure, but Shrek... -I'm worried about Donkey. -What? I mean. Look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your back. -Dead! -You know she's right. You look awful. -Do you want to sit down? -You know, I'll make you up some tea. Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck. And if I turn my neck like this, look. Au, see? -He's hungry. I'll find us some dinner. -I'll get the firewood. Hey, where are you going? Oh man, I can't feel my thumbs. I don't have any thumbs!!! I think I need a hug. This is good. This is really good. -What is this? -Wheat rat. -Rotisserie style. -No kidding. -Oh, this is delicious. -Well, they also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean wheat rat stew. I guess I'll be dining a little different late tomorrow night. Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toast, soup fish, eye tartar. You name it. I'd like that. -Ah... , princess? -Yes, Shrek? I'm a.... I was wondering. Are you... a... Are you gonna eat that? Man, isn't this romantic. Just look at that sunset. Sunset?! Oh, no. It's late. It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark. Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified. You know I'll better go inside. But don't feel bad, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too. Until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. -Good night. -Good night. Ahh. Now I really see what's going on here. Oh, what are you talking about. Hey I don't wanna even hear. Look, I'm an animal and I got instincts. And I know that you two are digging on each other. I can feel it. Oh, you're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the fairemones. Just go in there and tell her how you feel. There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that... well you know. I'm not saying that I do, 'cause I don't. She's a princess and I'm... ...an Ogre. Yeah, an Ogre. -Hey, where are you going? -To get more firewood. Princess. Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? It's very spooky in here and are we playing little games. -No, no. -Help! Shrek! Shrek! -No. -Shrek! -It's ok. It's ok. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, shhh. I'm the princess. -It's me, in this body. -Oh my god. You ate the princess. -Can you hear me? -Donkey! Listen, keep breathing. I'll get you out of there! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! This is me. Princess? What happened to you? You're a... different. -I'm ugly, ok? -Yeah. Was it something that you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. -You are what you eat, I say. -No. I've been this way as long as I can remember. What do you mean? Look, I've never seen you like this before. It only happens when the sun goes down. By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss. Then, take love's true form... -Oh, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's the spell. When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast. I was placed in a tower to await the day when my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry lord Farquaad tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this? All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Wait, wait, I'll not lie, you are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, I'm a princess. And this is not how a princess is meant to look. Princess. How about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have to. Only my true love's kiss can brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an Ogre. And Shrek... Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I... How is it going first of all? Good? Good for me to. I'm ok. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty. And, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you may like it, because you're pretty. But I like you anyway. A.... I'm in trouble. Ok, here we go. Who could ever love a piece so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek, but only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've got tell Shrek the truth. No, no. You can't breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the point of being unable to talk? You got to keep secrets. Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, before this is over, I'm going to need whole lot of serious therapies. All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. Look at my eye twitching. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him! Shrek! Shrek! There's something I want ... Shrek. Are you all right? Perfect. Never been better. I... There's something I have to tell you. You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough last night. -You've heard what I said? -Every word. I thought you'd understand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast! -I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah, well, it does. Ah, right on time. Princess. I brought you a little something. What I missed? What I missed? -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. Very well, Ogre. The deed to your swamp. Cleared out as agreed. Take it and go. Before I change my mind. Forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. For I've never seen such a radiant beauty before. -I am lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no... forgive me my lord for I was just saying short... farewell. Oh. That is so sweet. You don't have to raise good manners on the Ogre. -It's not like it has feelings. -No. You're right. It doesn't. Princess Fiona, beautiful fair flawless Fiona, I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make... Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wedd... No! I mean I... Why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset. Oh, anxious are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do. There is the camera, the cake, the band, the guests... Captain! Round up some guests. Farewell Ogre. Shrek, what are you doing? You let her get away. -Yeah, so what. -Shrek. There's something about her that you don't know. -I talked to her last night. She's... -Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pal, aren't you? Now, if you two are such good friend, why didn't you follow her home? -Shrek. I want to go with you. -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone. My swamp, me and nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But. I thought... -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. Shrek. Donkey? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp. Not through it. It is around your half. See? That's your half and this is my half. Oh, your half? Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No. You back off! -This is my swamp. -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go! -Stubborn jackass. -Smelly Ogre. Fine! Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you, yet. -Well, I'm through with you! -Well, you know. You were always me, me, me. Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? Because that's what friend do. They forgive each other! Oh, yeah. You're right Donkey. I forgive you for stabbing me in the back! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy. You're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away. -See? There you are, doing it again. Just like you did it to Fiona. And all she ever do, was like you. Maybe even love you. Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature. -I heard that you two were talking. -She wasn't talking about you. She was talking about... ...somebody else. She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about? No way, I'm not saying anything. You won't listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey. -No! Ok, look. I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid, ugly Ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's the friends are for, right? -Right. -Friends? -Friends. So? What did Fiona said about me? Why are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her. The wedding! We'll never make it in time! Never fear! For where there is a will, there is a way. And I have I way. Donkey? -I guess this is just my act of magnetism. -Oh, come here, you. All right. All right. Don't get all started. No one likes kissass. All right, hop on. Hold on tight. I hadn't have a chance to install seat belts, yet. People of Duloc. We gather here today to bear witness to reunion of our new king... Excuse me. Could you just skip ahead to "I do's"? Go on. Go ahead and have some fun, if we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -It's the line, it's the line you got to wait for. The priest is going to say: "Speak now or forever hold your peace". And that's where you say: "I object". -I don't have time for this. -Wait, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You want to hold her! -Yes. -Please her! -Yes! Then you got to, got to try a little tender love. -The chicks love that romantic crap. -All right. Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? We got to check it out. And as so by the power of these two... What do you see? -I now pronounce you... -There they go! -...he all ready said it. -Oh, for 'the love of pit'. I object! Shrek? Oh, now what does he want? Hi, everyone. Having a good time, aren't you? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive, when no one wants you. But showing up uninvited to a wedding... -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? Well it's a little late for that. So if you'll excuse me. -But you can't marry him! -And why not? Because, because he's just marrying you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -What do you know about true love? -Well, I ...I'm in... Oh, this is precious. The Ogre has fallen in love with the princess. Laugh. Shrek. Is this true? Who cares. It's preposterious. Fiona, my love, we gonna kiss away for our happily ever after. Now kiss me! By night one way, by day another. I wanted to show you before. Well. That explains a lot. Oh. It's disgusting. Guards, guards. I order you to get them out of my sight. -Now! Get them! Get them, both! -No! This marriage is minding, and that makes me king. See? See? -Shrek! -No. -Don't just stand there, you dogs. -Get out of my way. No! Shrek! -And as for you my wife. -Fiona! I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I will have order. I will have potential. I will have... All right, nobody move! I got a dragon here and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a donkey on the edge! Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? Go ahead Shrek. -Fiona? -Yes, Shrek? I love you. Really? Really, really. I love you too. A time for true love's first kiss... Fiona? Fiona? Are you all right? Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. But you are beautiful. I was hoping this would be a happy ending. God bless us, everyone.
2023.09.30 18:08 ResearcherOk2592 Late September Weeish Review
- Mark Allyn was pooped on by an owl. He interpreted this blessing from above as a bestowing of wisdom. I love this guy.
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- The metal scrap on the waterfront is being noisily loaded onto a barge. Homeowners in the area are displeased with the noise and unsightlyness. Dude who lives next to Twin Sisters suggested that maybe the working class people who were told to get over themselves could have a small crumb of leftover compassion for their similar complaints. "Not now, poors! We are busy hosting a little wine tasting soiree for our decision maker friends at our waterfront home
- In unrelated news, the City is working with stakeholders to manage the public nuisance metal recycling company.
- Unleashed dogs upped their game and are breaking into cars.
- In unrelated news, peoples wallets keep going missing near an undisclosed encampment of unleashed dogs who were witnessed feasting on rotisserie chickens that they bought with their own money.
- Someone keeps taking pictures of birds without their consent. This photo predator may be escalating to sunsets and salmon.
- Sheriff Elfo was caught associating abortion to some crime related non sequitur. His crowd of supporters want to see our town protect children from the horrors of being exposed to images of rainbows. "How am I supposed to explain this disgusting rainbow to my children?!" Shouted a woman with a graphic image of a man being murdered and tortured displayed on her T-shirt.
- Someone protested that half the women looking for roommates don't want male roommates, especially with esa cats. First they came for your medical care, now they are here for your spare room and they are bringing cats with them. Could it be a plot by big pharma to boost Benadryl sales? The war on women is getting stranger everyday.
- Bed bath beyond is a Halloween store now. Maybe they will finally be able to sell those white sheets and clearance brooms.
- It is said that when one door closes, another opens. Public works refused to hire any English majors and got it wrong. Their new motto is, "When one road closes, another road closes." Math majors warn that the closures could increase exponentially.
- Meanwhile, the road signs just keep getting better. Not to be outdone by people getting fingered at yield signs, new signs point drivers to a sex rave. Another points drivers to a detour the wrong way down a one way. We will never get those 3 minutes back that we spent regaining our composure so that we can drive safely after robust laughter subsided. What's next, delivery trucks parking wherever they can to keep commerce thriving? The dashcam folks were spotted doing laps around the trickiest intersections with hopes of catching someone making a mistake so they can rage about things that almost or could have happened.
- Meanwhile, Barkley Haggen is nearly done building a moat around the store to keep out shoppers looking for affordable groceries.
- People are angry about things that didn't happen but could've. Others are angry that things could of happened. English majors are ready to cancel everyone who could have paid attention in English class.
- People are demanding that religious business owners be in our faces about it so that we can cancel them.
- People were outraged that cedar trees are being mutilated and tortured. Those people were educated that it's only bad for the trees if white people do it. Nobody dared to venture into that conversation... Meanwhile someone spay painted a tree and a vigil will be held to weep for it's suffering during the equinox.
- Some guy in his 20s wants to hookup with 30+ women. He better not get them all pregnant because we don't have enough housing for that.
- With WSU and UW no longer football rivals, Oregon and Washington are competing for who has the most overdose deaths.
- A bunch of people lost their wallets.
- In totally unrelated news, "Does anyone know if finders keepers is legal for wallets?" asked a rather dapper looking Great Pyrenees.
- In an effort to combat limited availability of parking at trailheads, the government is considering putting a bunch of grizzly bears back in the woods to combat the overpopulation of hikers. Work groups are being formed to look into whether introducing child predators to local parks will help with the parking situation at Bloedel. We will do our best to follow the science.
- Quote of the week, "Bellingham follows the science, but hasn't worked up the courage to talk to the science."
- Home skillet paid us a visit. Wouldn't it be great if we could have rotating nostalgia days? Imagine stopping by Kulshan and seeing a surprise popup where Banditos salsa bar had a competition for customers who could also grab a Casa potato burrito at the same time.
- Last week-ish you all were encouraged to schedule preventative health care screening. Id love to read in the comments that someone did.
- Creative writing walking through town author, it's your move 😄 we are ready to have your words tour us through another neighborhood.
2023.09.16 07:45 oRamafy 7-18-2021 to 30-9-2021
18/7/2021
Dropped Maple off at the in-laws, went to LB after. Hung with the sailor a bit (the child stuff just kills me, but it’s worth it) then did my praying with Mary, with some extra for the Heimark family. ❤️
Did some swimming at the gym for the first time in forever, and steam room. Then talked to Alex about mom, and he said Jonny had similar thoughts and feelings about her. Her lack of motherhood played a significant role in his drinking, and it sounds like she lied about telling Jonny she loves him.
Then he invited me to stay with him in SD. I am conflicted because I want to be with Yaquelyn and Saundra, and they live down here in OC. I have no problem with that distance and would drive up regularly to see them, but it would be challenging to help Yaquelyn take care of her (hopefully our in time) daughter. None of that changes anything, but I still don’t know what she wants (although I feel very strongly it’s me). I plan to talk to her as soon as I put in the paperwork for the divorce (17/7/2022, 2:40 PM update: gotta finish the divorce) and can approach her with my ring off, which will be ASAP when Giang gets back from the retreat.
Saw the Chariot 💕
Updated 19/7/2021, 5:38 PM
19/7/2021
Sent divorce note to Jeremiah
20/7/2021
Walked around HB Central Park with Nolan and Maple. Turns out he did not notice his own reaction to my chemistry with Saundra. Intuition is real, guys. ❤️
The two hierarchies for the mind and body’s consciousness are logical consistency and speed of intuition. The hierarchy for humans is or will be the propagation of love. I’m starting to see story-mode again.
Update 28/7/2021 seeing it more often now. It’s in womens’ eyes.
21/7/2021
Bri’s into acid too, sweet.
Visited Alex in SD, he let that slip. Thanks bro. Had some delicious limey (I miss your pico 💕 ) aguachile when I got there. In the evening he took some ketamine, we took some ghb. Felt a bit relaxed but not high, which was nice for the conversation. Got some cbd for Dexter, then shared a plate of mixed fruit at the park with raisins, coconut, honey, granola?oats?, strawberries, grapes, mango, papaya, cantaloupe, cottage cheese. He has a giant painting of a telenovela actress that strikes an uncanny resemblance to Yaquelyn. She knew I’d recognize that eye anywhere.
22/7/2021, 7:02 AM
The primary purpose of free will is to allow us to make better choices than our creator did. He doesn’t want us to make the same mistakes he did when he was in our shoes.
“How long has it been since I’ve been Yaquelyn?”
Board and Brew with Andrew, Jo, and sales guy. Beer and sandwiches were good. Took Maple to Centennial park afterwards
23/7/2021
Full buck moon in Aquarius, went to LB to gaze
We all play a variety of roles in our life, and those roles come with certain responsibilities. Both boyfriends and girlfriends have are responsible for using a certain portion of their energy and attention to repair, maintain, and build the emotional connection with their partner. Failure to due so is neglecting the well-being of their partner and a form of emotional abuse. You are willing to expend a tremendous portion of your energy in to your relationship to keep it afloat, just like I do. Garrett is unconsciously taking advantage of your kindness and commitment. You relentlessly search for the good in people and I absolutely love that about you Saundra, but when you don’t hold people accountable to their responsibilities and agreements, it makes you very easy to take advantage of. It is a true injustice and you would be right to be angry at him for it; in fact, it’s likely necessary if you ever want him to uphold his end of rebuilding the relationship. He doesn’t take you, your problems, or your interests seriously. He doesn’t show you the respect you deserve because unconsciously you don’t feel like you are owed it. Or some Masquerade bullshit.
Nolan asked if I’d be interested in 2145
24/7/2021
Mina yoga, Costco trip.
Consciousness is an intrinsic property of energy, with greater degrees of awareness available to greater density of energy (or higher vibrational frequencies if you prefer that terminology). Hence, the sun is the most consciously aware being in our solar system, and the pineal gland the most conscious piece of a human. Awareness is granular, concentrated awareness within a border is consciousness, and all forms of consciousness are designed to increase energy density (compress information) and are equipped with a specialized means of doing so. The science of differentiation applies to all beings, with humans being the universe’s most powerful tool for maximizing energy density, due to our unique capacity to understand and translate experience. ❤️
This would imply that photons themselves are also conscious, and it would be prudent to hypothesize that they aim to replicate, likely for the same reasons biological beings do.
25/7/2021
Giang returned from her meditation retreat. Went to mom’s in the evening, talked about Jonny and her lack of motherhood. Explained to her how overly safety-conscious she is and her general distaste for experimenting.
Stayed the night in LB. Text chat with Alex in the evening about mom and Jonny.
26/7/2021
Morning walk around LB. Told Alex about mom’s racism, but he knew already
Talked to mom and suggested she apologize to Alex. She agreed.
Started divorce papers
Texted the Night Star guy, no response
28/7/2021
Elvis concert at Signal Hill
Sent Angel to Saundra
Nolan completely unresponsive to strong evidence of me talking to the sun. I should talk to Jeremy.
29/7/2021
Told Giang that Alex had actually asked mom to make the love call to Jonny multiple times and she never did. Alex would have every right to blame mom for Jonny’s death. She evades all traces of accountability by spewing any semi-plausible explanation, with no concern whatsoever if the explanation is true, exactly like Giang used to. That’s why I can navigate a confrontation with her so effectively. My relationship with Giang was meant to help me understand and save both Giang and mom from hell. If Giang had been with any other man, she would have ended up just like my mother.
Maybe I need to see story mode?
Friended dad on FB and messaged him
30/7/2021
Breakfast at Taco Bell. The coffee’s okay.
Turned in divorce petition and threw my ring into HB dog beach
Giang made Mapo Tofu. Her mom’s nuoc mat was excellent
2/8/2021
Continuum of care
Pizza with dad. Found out my bros might be full-blood bros, at least that’s what mom told dad. Also, I have a half-brother somewhere. Mom had him at 17 and her parents made her give him up for adoption. He was adopted by the music teacher at Edison.
Asked Marvin about Yaquelyn. He said he’ll talk to her when he sees her.
4/8/2021
Istanbul Grill with Tommie, then hung out at the condo waiting for mom’s mattress.
5/8/2021
Found Yaquelyn’s number. 💕
There’s an interesting connection between the lips and the eyelids.
7/8/2021
Hung out with Maple. Giang made banana cake for a birthday party
8/8/2021
Sizzler’s with mom, told her about my visit with dad. She acts offended that dad suspects Timmy and Jonny aren’t his, but she clearly isn’t certain herself. She’s upset that dad told me about her first son.
9/8/2021
Walmart and Costco in the morning, saw Jorge and the long socks guy from the dog park. Key Lime KitKat was tasty, the watermelon energy drink not so much.
Spent the day at the condo with Maple. Took her to Mile Square, sun gazing went well.
Listened to Save us From The Archon, perfect for focused listening.
Giang went out with her cousins after work.
10/8/2021
3 butterfly tracking exercises: head and eyes pointed directly (easiest to feel eyes’ camera zoom effect), head pointed away but eyes tracking (moves the eyeballs around the socket), eyes looking away but tracking with peripheral awareness. Good to play with lips, eyelids, and/or eyebrows simultaneously, or gently shake your head.
11/8/2021
Mary morning, grocery outlet, Signal Hill library 📚🦋🧘🏻♀️
12/8/2021
Self-help appointment at the court; set a new appointment with the family law clerk for 17/8 3:20pm
Checked for Dulcita’s car 🚗 at her work, no luck. Started Love meditation, then sobbed hard thinking about how much I miss her.
Visited Sean, he’s sick. Standing calf machine can work the neck well.
Sizzler’s with Giang
Edit: Dad received his certificate for housing assistance
13/8/2021
Mary morning, butterfly park.
Restarted watching Manifest. It’s much more enjoyable on my phone, I focus more easily.
14/8/2021
Mary morning, then took Maple to the dog park.
Woke up in the middle of the night with dramatically enhanced awareness, like I used to feel.
SMOG test with Giang then hung out alone at the condo. Suggested an “integration chat” (closure?) with Giang Monday night.
Closure helps prevent wasteful processing within our collective consciousness. We share awareness.
16/8/2021
Mile square park morning, opened my forehead muscles.
Hung out with Maple. Chat with Giang, told her about The Christmas Eye. ❤️💕👁
17/8/2021
Starbucks with Nolan
Randy’s donuts
Filed petition for divorce. ⚡️
Took Maple to the dog park with Giang. 🐶
Giang told me more about how she felt regarding our relationship. She has some emotional scars from very early on that were never sufficiently dealt with.
18/8/2021
Mary morning. Got my Signal Hill library card.
19/8/2021
Mary morning. Stopped at Northgate and NK Drinking Water before the dmv. Leg workout at 24, the LB location has a nice hip thrust machine. Library, Mary.
20/8/2021
Mary morning. Got a choc chip cookie and pecan bar at Sweet Jill’s Bakery, both were okay. Started Shi Heng Yi’s Qi Gong videos. Northgate, library, 24, Mary. Elaborated a little to Nolan on the God vs Devil botnet theory after sun gazing at 24.
From the body’s perspective, this may very well be a dream. Consider journaling your day with as much detail as you would journal your dreams.
Aunt Lynn gave me $100 via cash app.
21/8/2021
Tried out the Greek cafe next to Belmont athletic club while listening to Saundra’s podcast. April 17th 2020 was her last day with USC. April 17th 2021 was the day she inhabited me and told me she loves me.
Missed the Muay Thai class. The date was worth it. ❤️
Didn’t notice till later, but Saundra started talking to me again.
Mom went to La Capilla with Debbie, no more free bday dinner
22/8/2021
Sizzlers with mom and Mitch for her bday.
Got Bim to serve Giang
Full moon
23/8/2021
Got the info I needed to start the small claims case. Called Night Star, talked to Albert. He told me Dao Dardin was the name on the cashier’s check, and he’d call me back about a possible check instead.
Giang made pho. She told me about her miracle story of how lucky she was to get into the US, and avoided ICE looking for her at her job. She almost didn’t get back into the US when she was 21, in the Summer.
Sold the stocks so Giang could help her family in Vietnam.
24/8/2021
Qi/meditation at SA park.
Opened a case against Night Star Towing, the hearing is Oct 14.
Giang seems to be doing well.
Got a coffee at Steelhead, it’s good but expensive.
25/8/2021
Mary morning. Got a rotisserie from Costco. Food 4 Less has chipotle tobasco. Watched the Huberman podcast on addiction, “scan the environment for things that need to be done”
26/8/2021
Mary morning, applied at assisted living facility, shopped at WinCo. They have a solid bulk section.
27/8/2021
Mary morning. Checked out Colossus, pretty good cookie and great kouign amann
Hung out at the library, Northgate for dinner, quick upper workout at 24 at night.
Started the Joscha Bach interview with Lex; he’s brilliant.
28/8/2021
Mary morning, Muay Thai, dumped the pull-up bar. Aunt Sandy’s for dinner, there was a cute girl in a red dress that was a little flirty. Dropped my phone in mom’s car.
29/8/2021
SA park, Newsong church, Starbucks, planet fitness. Pizza with mom and bri. Bri is not interested in chatting about her schizophrenia, but was open to talking about the family after she gets back from Big Sur in a couple weeks.
30/8/2021
SA park. Took Sean’s Project Edge class, he’s a good fit. Gave him the rest of my juice as well.
Finished the 3rd season of Manifest
Watched Fantastic Fungi with Giang. 😘
Set up another family law appointment for sept 7th
31/8/2021
Mary morning. Barry Barish interview with Lex.
1/9/2021
Mary morning, mostly walking. Upper workout, Costco, library. Applied at Fat Tomato Pizza. Jed Buchwald with Lex
2/9/2021
Mary walking. Wajciech Zaramba with Lex.
Went to apply at Alibaba, but they only want experienced cooks.
Compressed my phone contacts
3/9/2021
Mary walk. Steelhead coffee, excellent cookie 🍪 and decent guava croissant 🥐.
Visited dad at the hospital, bought him cigs and he gave me $100. 🎁
He’s getting a place soon and suggested I stay the night. Also mentioned possibly being his caretaker.
86483
Jack in the box open interviews 3-5pm tuesdays.
4/9/2021
Mary morning, met JP by the restroom. He has a great voice.
Hung out at CM Panera before Mina yoga.
Attended 8:30pm chanting session. The list of chants they go through is pretty long, I’ll have to write it down.
5/9/2021
FV morning. Walked a bunch at the gym. Went to Carl’s with mom, got the new sourdough burger and a cheese quesadilla.
Mitch might have to put his cat down.
6/9/2021
Bang from Grocery Outlet, then Project Edge class with Sean. Hung out with Maple while Giang had family lunch time. Discussed paperwork when she got back, and I made steaks for us.
7/9/2021
SA park, watched Witcher 🗡 mostly. Submitted my proof of service of summons to Giang. No chocolate eclairs at Krispy Kreme. Hung out at the condo with Maple 🍁 . Chatted with Giang about her views on various drugs, she admits that her extreme negative and hostile judgement is more about her dislike of me personally than about cannabis itself.
She made a tasty rice cake+egg+papaya dish for dinner.
8/9/2021
PB cruller from Pietris. The PB is lacking but the cruller itself is delicious, love the texture and ample icing. Some might say it was too eggy but it didn’t bother me. ❤️
Yaquelyn’s speaker was stolen in the morning. 💕
Bugged EDD Bank of America for info, seems like I was mistaken.
Dad emailed me the housing assistance stuff. Almost crashed a funeral. Had a pint of vanilla Haagen-Daazs from GO, then saw Pauline is moving into a house in SA. 🐬
9/9/2021
Mary morning. LB 24, crunchy Reese’s cake and Quake from fancy 7-11. Called a couple properties from dad’s list.
Started PY4E with python-anywhere
10/9/2021
Almond bear claw from Colossus was pretty good, but Steelhead and Pietris win.
Library, Food4Less, Reese’s, back to Mary
11/9/2021
Mary morning, ocean therapy, swishers, Shinnyo en temple. Stopped by Tokyo Central but didn’t buy anything.
Wallaby Aussie Greek yogurt is my new favorite yogurt. Flower Terrace office is closed on weekends. Hung out at SA Starbucks. 🌟
Sprints at 24 edinger. 15.8
13/9/2021
Sean’s class followed by Grocery Outlet. Applied to Mountain Mike’s on the way to the condo and was hired on the spot. 🍕
Red Castle 🏰 with Giang to celebrate.
Ate some of Giang’s leftover beef stew. Delicious 🤤
14/9/2021
Helped dad move his stuff to the storage unit. Thought I lost my ID, but Giang reminded me that I kept it with my phone. Giang got a filling at the dentist.
Found out I still have to deal with that fixit ticket.
Had another chat with dad about the nature of the world and validity of information, he trusts CNN. Grabbed some vodka and cigs for him, also gave him a thc pen.
15/9/2021
Spent most of the day charging my phone at Starbucks 🌟. Called a few apartments for dad, no luck.
16/9/2021
Drove around Hb a bit for apartments and called a few places, none were available. Got breakfast at the donut shop, dipped my donuts in hot coffee. Good but not necessary. Hung out at HB Central Park. Symbolism is a means of condensing information.
Looked at a few CNN articles about Trump, they lwere l
lol chamber drivel.
17/9/2021
Copy request # 4693927
Stopped at Bristol Northgate for nectarines, requeson, and chipotle chicken. Walked Maple around The Block and saw Giang rearranged the condo. Ate a bunch of ice cream.
Hung out at Starbucks, then sung in the car in front of 24 and had a great workout with the roller.
Smoked a cigar while admiring the moon 🌙 outside the gym.
18/9/2021
Couldn’t make it to Mina’s yoga bc the van wouldn’t start. Bought cables from O’Reilly and mom helped jump it, but it wouldn’t start again after I took it to HB Central Library, so we jumped it again and I parked it back by the gym.
Cigar walk 🌙
19/9/2021
Called AAA for a new battery, but that didn’t fix the problem. Hung out at Starbucks before going to the MSG Moon Festival with mom. Finished the series finale of Lucifer. 😈 💕
Told mom about the van with sidewalk storage yesterday, and he received a warning from a cop today.
Finished Salt. ❤️
20/9/2021
Mom stopped by the gym to jump my battery, but it didn’t work. Got breakfast and waited for AAA to tow.
Took the van to KNG auto repair to fix the starter, then went to the condo.
We ate pork jowl with Vi’s oyster dipping sauce, it was delicious. Reminded Giang that I have watched time start to rewind, and told her about “how long has it been since I’ve been Yaquelyn?” 💕
Talked a little with both mom and Giang about the differences in traffic between eastern and western countries and how they reflect different mindsets.
Started Bridgerton. ❤️
21/9/2021
SA park, then stopped by the condo to drop of Giang’s keys. Quesabirria for breakfast, after noticing the restaurant’s street address is 711. 💕
Visited dad to update the apartment hunt strategy.
Checked out a property in Dana Pointe for dad and had a chat with Neil. He idolizes fatherhood honorably.
22/9/2021
First day at Mountain Mike’s Pizza 🍕
Brought a Hawaiian with pineapple to the condo and we watched Mars Attacks
Giang told me about the flight lesson she took the previous Sunday with Quay.
23/9/2021
SA park, water. Planet Fitness, FV library, work, Mom’s Supermarket.
24/9/2021
Something wants to stop me from meditating.
It feels good to look at beauty as serotonin, and destruction as dopamine.
Organic 4% Greek yogurt w/ peanuts 🥜 for dinner, Kinder Bueno for dessert.
24/9/2021
Sauna, FV library, got application signed by Mina, then Wyldin Watermelon 🍉 Bang from Grocery Outlet before work.
I enjoy Bridgerton more than I expected. ❤️🦋
25/9/2021
It’s obvious I’m being misjudged for trivial, mostly irrelevant mistakes again. I enjoy being useful. I do fine when I know how to be useful, but that is challenging when I don’t know the hierarchy of priorities of my given role within an organization. Management’s role is to inform me of that. I took Darron’s ticket immediately before Nicole scolded me for making it too slowly. I’ll make many-topping pizzas at an acceptable pace as I develop comfort in eyeballing measurements, and already do well with paint ups. I skipped my break.
Grant was wrong as wrong can be when he described me as detail-oriented. My (Daniel if that isn’t clear) role is to integrate the widest abstractions for mankind. But my only desire is to be with Yaquelyn. I have no idea what Saundra feels about me, w.r.t romance. I love her in many ways for many reasons and would be devastated to lose that connection. The same goes for Grant and a few other male friends (Nolan, Jeremy, Sean), but that seems less likely. I’d still love to reconnect with Jeff and Garrett at some point, I feel that they’ve both played significantly bigger roles than I’m aware of.
Jeremy’s going to be a father. 👍
I was juicing during my relationship with both Giang and Yaquelyn, that’s most likely why neither are pregnant. It fixably suppresses fertility. I stopped around January, when I stopped working out for hypertrophy.
Write down your thoughts and feelings so your eyes can see them, everybody. Speak them as well, even if nobody is around, so your ears can hear them. Your own sense organs are sentient beings but only share the experiences that they are capable of communicating. Day journals and dream journals are extremely helpful. We all turn into devils when we don’t get adequate attention.
Souls created from the energy we eat and souls created through sexual reproduction compete with each other in a game. Close enough. This balances the power distribution between innovation and tradition. We all take turns being the “devil” (only rationally self-interested given their current environment, like everything else) and forget it.
Memories compete with each other for storage in the human database, because we are Most capable of enjoying the memories, thus attracting more attention to memory.
While I am capable of making choices, I try to optimize for love, by seeking truth. That’s the mind speaking.
As the environment gets more predictable, we are inclined towards boredom.
Noticed the Kangen Global center next to the EdingeBrookhurst Starbucks for the first time. 🦋
Symbols can change their self-identity too. ❤️
26/9/2021
Scanned and emailed the Eza application to Mina, Taino, and Maki while hanging out at Starbucks. 🌟
Called Progressive, there’s some mixup with My coverage under Giang’s insurance disappearing from my app after logging in. I’ll talk
A with her about it tomorrow, but I’m quite sure I mistook the cost of my own insurance. 😘
Finished Season 1 of Bridgerton. ❤️
Jacqueline checked me out and also helped me find the whiteout at Albertsons, which happens to be in the same aisle as the charcoal. 💕
Mrs. Heimark’s bday. I shoulda guessed her hand was in this
Didn’t fall asleep this night, We stayed partially aware the whole time and still felt great the next day.
27/9/2021
Canceled my iScanner trial
Duck yes.
My big toe is given the opportunity to update with every step I take. 💕
Thc and nicotine make it very easy to change my personality.
We will be and some are observing how great life can feel. Humans stretch this bound most efficiently in mutually integrative timelines, which requires honesty and logical consistency in our collective story, and each of us is responsible for integrating our own timeline. A relatively small number of lies are allowed, for lessons to be learned and to feed those that require deception
Artists maximize their efficiency of inspiration, and teach us how by living.
Consciousness predicts the expected value and likelyhood of potential events, and memory hypothesizes their expected cause.
Picked up dad from Super Cuts and took him to Dana Pointe to fill out the application. The owner seemed to like me, he’s a good man.
Watched the AlphaGo documentary with Giang and sent its creator’s Lex podcast to dad.
28/9/2021
My Imagination/attention (this was my closest a association because I spend an inordinate amount of time protecting my I imagination’s hope. My attention has mischaracterized itself as imagination, because it spends so much time there, it’s created a safe zone guarded by logical integrity. It jailed itself in and is trying to find friends to invite. nolan has to jailbreak me until he gets too tired, and so the chain begins. He’s in Giang’s imagination, in a sense)is trying to find and correct for the confounding variables causing its mispredictions. It’s running into other particles trying to do the same thing, but may not be aware of that. We try to signal our predictions of impact variables and “shit into gold”
My imagination has developed its own eyeball whose attention can be felt by the body. Perhaps, whose predictions can be felt from the imagination itself. Incoming predictions of my behavior. The primary source of noise is failed predictions caused by factually incorrect judgements of my character from those around it.
Mathematics was built on coffee and cigarettes. Philosophy is built on mathematics and lsd. I am making my throat the most valuable target to enhance communications, because I want to speak to my friends. It was the only way to be together with the men I consider my Forgers.
Voltage, temperature, pressure.
Humans are increasingly stronger magnets colluding/colliding with our auras. Mass is slow energy. We learn variable differentials and arbitrage to maximize the output of our generators. They do the same, and projectors are their most efficient generators. Pareto principle.
Winning by exactly 1 is highly honorable because it requires great skill. People over killing is useful information about why they are misjudging their own interests.
Love triangles are the most efficient way to link and share two databases ❤️💕😘
🖐👮♀️🔥
Went through another “hell” loop again, not the easier self-identification kind. More like apologizing for events I have no awareness of. Prob found the reasoning and logic for the decisions made and forgave them too fast for anyone to notice.
29/9/2021
I like to smoke grass (420) in the morning, and visit 711 in the evening. My two favorite Angel numbers. 1111 (4+7=11) is my easiest confirmation of consistency with my creators’ plans.
Drugs are specialized tools for expanding different aspects of consciousness. LSD is a jack of all trades, hence my favorite for optimizing the variety of signatures I can interpret successfully. The intensity of the dopaminergic drugs is due to humans failing to understand the intentions of dark matter beings. Some of them require that intensity to continue existing, and we need them to continue existing in order to find the optimal means of seeking, expanding, and sharing the experience they are capable of communicating with us, predominately through art 🖼. That’s why artistry and drug use are so heavily intertwined concepts, they are tasked with expanding the collective consciousness, and do so by inspiring our imaginations.
I seek new variables to tweak the nature of consciousness by testing them in different conditions and paying attention to its influence on my attention. I like to share the information/memories I save because it reduces the cost of saving. Wiping our faces on each others’ faces is the best way to do that.
Saundra’s self has learned how to make me blush really, really hard. ❤️
Eyes specialize in sensitivity to photons
We learn to pull ourselves up with our own Bootstraps.
Giang’s curry was delicious 😘
30/9/2021
Visited Giang in the morning to pick up my notice from the dmv about my incoming suspension.
Stopped by triangle square but Sean was busy. Hung out in the GO parking lot.
Winning by one at Will is a powerful character trait. Thanks pingers.
Accents and dialects protect common zones for the voice
I go onto a state of equanimity to channel my voice most effectively.
The earth is trying to maintain the integrity of countries within our bodies. 🖐👍 🤜
👄👁👂🏽What’s up guys this is Jeff speaking this is Jeremy speaking we reflexively switch our names through that protected throat channel.
Doing more impressions will be useful, particularly robin williams and your loved ones.
Bro’s database is heavily dependent on Symbolism
Smoke some stuff if you can read this.
Sameness should be understood, while differences should be celebrated and then understood, to some extent.
Learning your friends’ appedtites is a useful way to understand what they, and more abstractly you, are going through
Jeff was in my nose 👃
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Dropped Maple off at the in-laws, went to LB after. Hung with the sailor a bit (the child stuff just kills me, but it’s worth it) then did my praying with Mary, with some extra for the Heimark family. ❤️
Did some swimming at the gym for the first time in forever, and steam room. Then talked to Alex about mom, and he said Jonny had similar thoughts and feelings about her. Her lack of motherhood played a significant role in his drinking, and it sounds like she lied about telling Jonny she loves him.
Then he invited me to stay with him in SD. I am conflicted because I want to be with Yaquelyn and Saundra, and they live down here in OC. I have no problem with that distance and would drive up regularly to see them, but it would be challenging to help Yaquelyn take care of her (hopefully our in time) daughter. None of that changes anything, but I still don’t know what she wants (although I feel very strongly it’s me). I plan to talk to her as soon as I put in the paperwork for the divorce (17/7/2022, 2:40 PM update: gotta finish the divorce) and can approach her with my ring off, which will be ASAP when Giang gets back from the retreat.
Saw the Chariot 💕
Updated 19/7/2021, 5:38 PM
19/7/2021
Sent divorce note to Jeremiah
20/7/2021
Walked around HB Central Park with Nolan and Maple. Turns out he did not notice his own reaction to my chemistry with Saundra. Intuition is real, guys. ❤️
The two hierarchies for the mind and body’s consciousness are logical consistency and speed of intuition. The hierarchy for humans is or will be the propagation of love. I’m starting to see story-mode again.
Update 28/7/2021 seeing it more often now. It’s in womens’ eyes.
21/7/2021
Bri’s into acid too, sweet.
Visited Alex in SD, he let that slip. Thanks bro. Had some delicious limey (I miss your pico 💕 ) aguachile when I got there. In the evening he took some ketamine, we took some ghb. Felt a bit relaxed but not high, which was nice for the conversation. Got some cbd for Dexter, then shared a plate of mixed fruit at the park with raisins, coconut, honey, granola?oats?, strawberries, grapes, mango, papaya, cantaloupe, cottage cheese. He has a giant painting of a telenovela actress that strikes an uncanny resemblance to Yaquelyn. She knew I’d recognize that eye anywhere.
22/7/2021, 7:02 AM
The primary purpose of free will is to allow us to make better choices than our creator did. He doesn’t want us to make the same mistakes he did when he was in our shoes.
“How long has it been since I’ve been Yaquelyn?”
Board and Brew with Andrew, Jo, and sales guy. Beer and sandwiches were good. Took Maple to Centennial park afterwards
23/7/2021
Full buck moon in Aquarius, went to LB to gaze
We all play a variety of roles in our life, and those roles come with certain responsibilities. Both boyfriends and girlfriends have are responsible for using a certain portion of their energy and attention to repair, maintain, and build the emotional connection with their partner. Failure to due so is neglecting the well-being of their partner and a form of emotional abuse. You are willing to expend a tremendous portion of your energy in to your relationship to keep it afloat, just like I do. Garrett is unconsciously taking advantage of your kindness and commitment. You relentlessly search for the good in people and I absolutely love that about you Saundra, but when you don’t hold people accountable to their responsibilities and agreements, it makes you very easy to take advantage of. It is a true injustice and you would be right to be angry at him for it; in fact, it’s likely necessary if you ever want him to uphold his end of rebuilding the relationship. He doesn’t take you, your problems, or your interests seriously. He doesn’t show you the respect you deserve because unconsciously you don’t feel like you are owed it. Or some Masquerade bullshit.
Nolan asked if I’d be interested in 2145
24/7/2021
Mina yoga, Costco trip.
Consciousness is an intrinsic property of energy, with greater degrees of awareness available to greater density of energy (or higher vibrational frequencies if you prefer that terminology). Hence, the sun is the most consciously aware being in our solar system, and the pineal gland the most conscious piece of a human. Awareness is granular, concentrated awareness within a border is consciousness, and all forms of consciousness are designed to increase energy density (compress information) and are equipped with a specialized means of doing so. The science of differentiation applies to all beings, with humans being the universe’s most powerful tool for maximizing energy density, due to our unique capacity to understand and translate experience. ❤️
This would imply that photons themselves are also conscious, and it would be prudent to hypothesize that they aim to replicate, likely for the same reasons biological beings do.
25/7/2021
Giang returned from her meditation retreat. Went to mom’s in the evening, talked about Jonny and her lack of motherhood. Explained to her how overly safety-conscious she is and her general distaste for experimenting.
Stayed the night in LB. Text chat with Alex in the evening about mom and Jonny.
26/7/2021
Morning walk around LB. Told Alex about mom’s racism, but he knew already
Talked to mom and suggested she apologize to Alex. She agreed.
Started divorce papers
Texted the Night Star guy, no response
28/7/2021
Elvis concert at Signal Hill
Sent Angel to Saundra
Nolan completely unresponsive to strong evidence of me talking to the sun. I should talk to Jeremy.
29/7/2021
Told Giang that Alex had actually asked mom to make the love call to Jonny multiple times and she never did. Alex would have every right to blame mom for Jonny’s death. She evades all traces of accountability by spewing any semi-plausible explanation, with no concern whatsoever if the explanation is true, exactly like Giang used to. That’s why I can navigate a confrontation with her so effectively. My relationship with Giang was meant to help me understand and save both Giang and mom from hell. If Giang had been with any other man, she would have ended up just like my mother.
Maybe I need to see story mode?
Friended dad on FB and messaged him
30/7/2021
Breakfast at Taco Bell. The coffee’s okay.
Turned in divorce petition and threw my ring into HB dog beach
Giang made Mapo Tofu. Her mom’s nuoc mat was excellent
2/8/2021
Continuum of care
Pizza with dad. Found out my bros might be full-blood bros, at least that’s what mom told dad. Also, I have a half-brother somewhere. Mom had him at 17 and her parents made her give him up for adoption. He was adopted by the music teacher at Edison.
Asked Marvin about Yaquelyn. He said he’ll talk to her when he sees her.
4/8/2021
Istanbul Grill with Tommie, then hung out at the condo waiting for mom’s mattress.
5/8/2021
Found Yaquelyn’s number. 💕
There’s an interesting connection between the lips and the eyelids.
7/8/2021
Hung out with Maple. Giang made banana cake for a birthday party
8/8/2021
Sizzler’s with mom, told her about my visit with dad. She acts offended that dad suspects Timmy and Jonny aren’t his, but she clearly isn’t certain herself. She’s upset that dad told me about her first son.
9/8/2021
Walmart and Costco in the morning, saw Jorge and the long socks guy from the dog park. Key Lime KitKat was tasty, the watermelon energy drink not so much.
Spent the day at the condo with Maple. Took her to Mile Square, sun gazing went well.
Listened to Save us From The Archon, perfect for focused listening.
Giang went out with her cousins after work.
10/8/2021
3 butterfly tracking exercises: head and eyes pointed directly (easiest to feel eyes’ camera zoom effect), head pointed away but eyes tracking (moves the eyeballs around the socket), eyes looking away but tracking with peripheral awareness. Good to play with lips, eyelids, and/or eyebrows simultaneously, or gently shake your head.
11/8/2021
Mary morning, grocery outlet, Signal Hill library 📚🦋🧘🏻♀️
12/8/2021
Self-help appointment at the court; set a new appointment with the family law clerk for 17/8 3:20pm
Checked for Dulcita’s car 🚗 at her work, no luck. Started Love meditation, then sobbed hard thinking about how much I miss her.
Visited Sean, he’s sick. Standing calf machine can work the neck well.
Sizzler’s with Giang
Edit: Dad received his certificate for housing assistance
13/8/2021
Mary morning, butterfly park.
Restarted watching Manifest. It’s much more enjoyable on my phone, I focus more easily.
14/8/2021
Mary morning, then took Maple to the dog park.
Woke up in the middle of the night with dramatically enhanced awareness, like I used to feel.
SMOG test with Giang then hung out alone at the condo. Suggested an “integration chat” (closure?) with Giang Monday night.
Closure helps prevent wasteful processing within our collective consciousness. We share awareness.
16/8/2021
Mile square park morning, opened my forehead muscles.
Hung out with Maple. Chat with Giang, told her about The Christmas Eye. ❤️💕👁
17/8/2021
Starbucks with Nolan
Randy’s donuts
Filed petition for divorce. ⚡️
Took Maple to the dog park with Giang. 🐶
Giang told me more about how she felt regarding our relationship. She has some emotional scars from very early on that were never sufficiently dealt with.
18/8/2021
Mary morning. Got my Signal Hill library card.
19/8/2021
Mary morning. Stopped at Northgate and NK Drinking Water before the dmv. Leg workout at 24, the LB location has a nice hip thrust machine. Library, Mary.
20/8/2021
Mary morning. Got a choc chip cookie and pecan bar at Sweet Jill’s Bakery, both were okay. Started Shi Heng Yi’s Qi Gong videos. Northgate, library, 24, Mary. Elaborated a little to Nolan on the God vs Devil botnet theory after sun gazing at 24.
From the body’s perspective, this may very well be a dream. Consider journaling your day with as much detail as you would journal your dreams.
Aunt Lynn gave me $100 via cash app.
21/8/2021
Tried out the Greek cafe next to Belmont athletic club while listening to Saundra’s podcast. April 17th 2020 was her last day with USC. April 17th 2021 was the day she inhabited me and told me she loves me.
Missed the Muay Thai class. The date was worth it. ❤️
Didn’t notice till later, but Saundra started talking to me again.
Mom went to La Capilla with Debbie, no more free bday dinner
22/8/2021
Sizzlers with mom and Mitch for her bday.
Got Bim to serve Giang
Full moon
23/8/2021
Got the info I needed to start the small claims case. Called Night Star, talked to Albert. He told me Dao Dardin was the name on the cashier’s check, and he’d call me back about a possible check instead.
Giang made pho. She told me about her miracle story of how lucky she was to get into the US, and avoided ICE looking for her at her job. She almost didn’t get back into the US when she was 21, in the Summer.
Sold the stocks so Giang could help her family in Vietnam.
24/8/2021
Qi/meditation at SA park.
Opened a case against Night Star Towing, the hearing is Oct 14.
Giang seems to be doing well.
Got a coffee at Steelhead, it’s good but expensive.
25/8/2021
Mary morning. Got a rotisserie from Costco. Food 4 Less has chipotle tobasco. Watched the Huberman podcast on addiction, “scan the environment for things that need to be done”
26/8/2021
Mary morning, applied at assisted living facility, shopped at WinCo. They have a solid bulk section.
27/8/2021
Mary morning. Checked out Colossus, pretty good cookie and great kouign amann
Hung out at the library, Northgate for dinner, quick upper workout at 24 at night.
Started the Joscha Bach interview with Lex; he’s brilliant.
28/8/2021
Mary morning, Muay Thai, dumped the pull-up bar. Aunt Sandy’s for dinner, there was a cute girl in a red dress that was a little flirty. Dropped my phone in mom’s car.
29/8/2021
SA park, Newsong church, Starbucks, planet fitness. Pizza with mom and bri. Bri is not interested in chatting about her schizophrenia, but was open to talking about the family after she gets back from Big Sur in a couple weeks.
30/8/2021
SA park. Took Sean’s Project Edge class, he’s a good fit. Gave him the rest of my juice as well.
Finished the 3rd season of Manifest
Watched Fantastic Fungi with Giang. 😘
Set up another family law appointment for sept 7th
31/8/2021
Mary morning. Barry Barish interview with Lex.
1/9/2021
Mary morning, mostly walking. Upper workout, Costco, library. Applied at Fat Tomato Pizza. Jed Buchwald with Lex
2/9/2021
Mary walking. Wajciech Zaramba with Lex.
Went to apply at Alibaba, but they only want experienced cooks.
Compressed my phone contacts
3/9/2021
Mary walk. Steelhead coffee, excellent cookie 🍪 and decent guava croissant 🥐.
Visited dad at the hospital, bought him cigs and he gave me $100. 🎁
He’s getting a place soon and suggested I stay the night. Also mentioned possibly being his caretaker.
86483
Jack in the box open interviews 3-5pm tuesdays.
4/9/2021
Mary morning, met JP by the restroom. He has a great voice.
Hung out at CM Panera before Mina yoga.
Attended 8:30pm chanting session. The list of chants they go through is pretty long, I’ll have to write it down.
5/9/2021
FV morning. Walked a bunch at the gym. Went to Carl’s with mom, got the new sourdough burger and a cheese quesadilla.
Mitch might have to put his cat down.
6/9/2021
Bang from Grocery Outlet, then Project Edge class with Sean. Hung out with Maple while Giang had family lunch time. Discussed paperwork when she got back, and I made steaks for us.
7/9/2021
SA park, watched Witcher 🗡 mostly. Submitted my proof of service of summons to Giang. No chocolate eclairs at Krispy Kreme. Hung out at the condo with Maple 🍁 . Chatted with Giang about her views on various drugs, she admits that her extreme negative and hostile judgement is more about her dislike of me personally than about cannabis itself.
She made a tasty rice cake+egg+papaya dish for dinner.
8/9/2021
PB cruller from Pietris. The PB is lacking but the cruller itself is delicious, love the texture and ample icing. Some might say it was too eggy but it didn’t bother me. ❤️
Yaquelyn’s speaker was stolen in the morning. 💕
Bugged EDD Bank of America for info, seems like I was mistaken.
Dad emailed me the housing assistance stuff. Almost crashed a funeral. Had a pint of vanilla Haagen-Daazs from GO, then saw Pauline is moving into a house in SA. 🐬
9/9/2021
Mary morning. LB 24, crunchy Reese’s cake and Quake from fancy 7-11. Called a couple properties from dad’s list.
Started PY4E with python-anywhere
10/9/2021
Almond bear claw from Colossus was pretty good, but Steelhead and Pietris win.
Library, Food4Less, Reese’s, back to Mary
11/9/2021
Mary morning, ocean therapy, swishers, Shinnyo en temple. Stopped by Tokyo Central but didn’t buy anything.
Wallaby Aussie Greek yogurt is my new favorite yogurt. Flower Terrace office is closed on weekends. Hung out at SA Starbucks. 🌟
Sprints at 24 edinger. 15.8
13/9/2021
Sean’s class followed by Grocery Outlet. Applied to Mountain Mike’s on the way to the condo and was hired on the spot. 🍕
Red Castle 🏰 with Giang to celebrate.
Ate some of Giang’s leftover beef stew. Delicious 🤤
14/9/2021
Helped dad move his stuff to the storage unit. Thought I lost my ID, but Giang reminded me that I kept it with my phone. Giang got a filling at the dentist.
Found out I still have to deal with that fixit ticket.
Had another chat with dad about the nature of the world and validity of information, he trusts CNN. Grabbed some vodka and cigs for him, also gave him a thc pen.
15/9/2021
Spent most of the day charging my phone at Starbucks 🌟. Called a few apartments for dad, no luck.
16/9/2021
Drove around Hb a bit for apartments and called a few places, none were available. Got breakfast at the donut shop, dipped my donuts in hot coffee. Good but not necessary. Hung out at HB Central Park. Symbolism is a means of condensing information.
Looked at a few CNN articles about Trump, they lwere l
lol chamber drivel.
17/9/2021
Copy request # 4693927
Stopped at Bristol Northgate for nectarines, requeson, and chipotle chicken. Walked Maple around The Block and saw Giang rearranged the condo. Ate a bunch of ice cream.
Hung out at Starbucks, then sung in the car in front of 24 and had a great workout with the roller.
Smoked a cigar while admiring the moon 🌙 outside the gym.
18/9/2021
Couldn’t make it to Mina’s yoga bc the van wouldn’t start. Bought cables from O’Reilly and mom helped jump it, but it wouldn’t start again after I took it to HB Central Library, so we jumped it again and I parked it back by the gym.
Cigar walk 🌙
19/9/2021
Called AAA for a new battery, but that didn’t fix the problem. Hung out at Starbucks before going to the MSG Moon Festival with mom. Finished the series finale of Lucifer. 😈 💕
Told mom about the van with sidewalk storage yesterday, and he received a warning from a cop today.
Finished Salt. ❤️
20/9/2021
Mom stopped by the gym to jump my battery, but it didn’t work. Got breakfast and waited for AAA to tow.
Took the van to KNG auto repair to fix the starter, then went to the condo.
We ate pork jowl with Vi’s oyster dipping sauce, it was delicious. Reminded Giang that I have watched time start to rewind, and told her about “how long has it been since I’ve been Yaquelyn?” 💕
Talked a little with both mom and Giang about the differences in traffic between eastern and western countries and how they reflect different mindsets.
Started Bridgerton. ❤️
21/9/2021
SA park, then stopped by the condo to drop of Giang’s keys. Quesabirria for breakfast, after noticing the restaurant’s street address is 711. 💕
Visited dad to update the apartment hunt strategy.
Checked out a property in Dana Pointe for dad and had a chat with Neil. He idolizes fatherhood honorably.
22/9/2021
First day at Mountain Mike’s Pizza 🍕
Brought a Hawaiian with pineapple to the condo and we watched Mars Attacks
Giang told me about the flight lesson she took the previous Sunday with Quay.
23/9/2021
SA park, water. Planet Fitness, FV library, work, Mom’s Supermarket.
24/9/2021
Something wants to stop me from meditating.
It feels good to look at beauty as serotonin, and destruction as dopamine.
Organic 4% Greek yogurt w/ peanuts 🥜 for dinner, Kinder Bueno for dessert.
24/9/2021
Sauna, FV library, got application signed by Mina, then Wyldin Watermelon 🍉 Bang from Grocery Outlet before work.
I enjoy Bridgerton more than I expected. ❤️🦋
25/9/2021
It’s obvious I’m being misjudged for trivial, mostly irrelevant mistakes again. I enjoy being useful. I do fine when I know how to be useful, but that is challenging when I don’t know the hierarchy of priorities of my given role within an organization. Management’s role is to inform me of that. I took Darron’s ticket immediately before Nicole scolded me for making it too slowly. I’ll make many-topping pizzas at an acceptable pace as I develop comfort in eyeballing measurements, and already do well with paint ups. I skipped my break.
Grant was wrong as wrong can be when he described me as detail-oriented. My (Daniel if that isn’t clear) role is to integrate the widest abstractions for mankind. But my only desire is to be with Yaquelyn. I have no idea what Saundra feels about me, w.r.t romance. I love her in many ways for many reasons and would be devastated to lose that connection. The same goes for Grant and a few other male friends (Nolan, Jeremy, Sean), but that seems less likely. I’d still love to reconnect with Jeff and Garrett at some point, I feel that they’ve both played significantly bigger roles than I’m aware of.
Jeremy’s going to be a father. 👍
I was juicing during my relationship with both Giang and Yaquelyn, that’s most likely why neither are pregnant. It fixably suppresses fertility. I stopped around January, when I stopped working out for hypertrophy.
Write down your thoughts and feelings so your eyes can see them, everybody. Speak them as well, even if nobody is around, so your ears can hear them. Your own sense organs are sentient beings but only share the experiences that they are capable of communicating. Day journals and dream journals are extremely helpful. We all turn into devils when we don’t get adequate attention.
Souls created from the energy we eat and souls created through sexual reproduction compete with each other in a game. Close enough. This balances the power distribution between innovation and tradition. We all take turns being the “devil” (only rationally self-interested given their current environment, like everything else) and forget it.
Memories compete with each other for storage in the human database, because we are Most capable of enjoying the memories, thus attracting more attention to memory.
While I am capable of making choices, I try to optimize for love, by seeking truth. That’s the mind speaking.
As the environment gets more predictable, we are inclined towards boredom.
Noticed the Kangen Global center next to the EdingeBrookhurst Starbucks for the first time. 🦋
Symbols can change their self-identity too. ❤️
26/9/2021
Scanned and emailed the Eza application to Mina, Taino, and Maki while hanging out at Starbucks. 🌟
Called Progressive, there’s some mixup with My coverage under Giang’s insurance disappearing from my app after logging in. I’ll talk
A with her about it tomorrow, but I’m quite sure I mistook the cost of my own insurance. 😘
Finished Season 1 of Bridgerton. ❤️
Jacqueline checked me out and also helped me find the whiteout at Albertsons, which happens to be in the same aisle as the charcoal. 💕
Mrs. Heimark’s bday. I shoulda guessed her hand was in this
Didn’t fall asleep this night, We stayed partially aware the whole time and still felt great the next day.
27/9/2021
Canceled my iScanner trial
Duck yes.
My big toe is given the opportunity to update with every step I take. 💕
Thc and nicotine make it very easy to change my personality.
We will be and some are observing how great life can feel. Humans stretch this bound most efficiently in mutually integrative timelines, which requires honesty and logical consistency in our collective story, and each of us is responsible for integrating our own timeline. A relatively small number of lies are allowed, for lessons to be learned and to feed those that require deception
Artists maximize their efficiency of inspiration, and teach us how by living.
Consciousness predicts the expected value and likelyhood of potential events, and memory hypothesizes their expected cause.
Picked up dad from Super Cuts and took him to Dana Pointe to fill out the application. The owner seemed to like me, he’s a good man.
Watched the AlphaGo documentary with Giang and sent its creator’s Lex podcast to dad.
28/9/2021
My Imagination/attention (this was my closest a association because I spend an inordinate amount of time protecting my I imagination’s hope. My attention has mischaracterized itself as imagination, because it spends so much time there, it’s created a safe zone guarded by logical integrity. It jailed itself in and is trying to find friends to invite. nolan has to jailbreak me until he gets too tired, and so the chain begins. He’s in Giang’s imagination, in a sense)is trying to find and correct for the confounding variables causing its mispredictions. It’s running into other particles trying to do the same thing, but may not be aware of that. We try to signal our predictions of impact variables and “shit into gold”
My imagination has developed its own eyeball whose attention can be felt by the body. Perhaps, whose predictions can be felt from the imagination itself. Incoming predictions of my behavior. The primary source of noise is failed predictions caused by factually incorrect judgements of my character from those around it.
Mathematics was built on coffee and cigarettes. Philosophy is built on mathematics and lsd. I am making my throat the most valuable target to enhance communications, because I want to speak to my friends. It was the only way to be together with the men I consider my Forgers.
Voltage, temperature, pressure.
Humans are increasingly stronger magnets colluding/colliding with our auras. Mass is slow energy. We learn variable differentials and arbitrage to maximize the output of our generators. They do the same, and projectors are their most efficient generators. Pareto principle.
Winning by exactly 1 is highly honorable because it requires great skill. People over killing is useful information about why they are misjudging their own interests.
Love triangles are the most efficient way to link and share two databases ❤️💕😘
🖐👮♀️🔥
Went through another “hell” loop again, not the easier self-identification kind. More like apologizing for events I have no awareness of. Prob found the reasoning and logic for the decisions made and forgave them too fast for anyone to notice.
29/9/2021
I like to smoke grass (420) in the morning, and visit 711 in the evening. My two favorite Angel numbers. 1111 (4+7=11) is my easiest confirmation of consistency with my creators’ plans.
Drugs are specialized tools for expanding different aspects of consciousness. LSD is a jack of all trades, hence my favorite for optimizing the variety of signatures I can interpret successfully. The intensity of the dopaminergic drugs is due to humans failing to understand the intentions of dark matter beings. Some of them require that intensity to continue existing, and we need them to continue existing in order to find the optimal means of seeking, expanding, and sharing the experience they are capable of communicating with us, predominately through art 🖼. That’s why artistry and drug use are so heavily intertwined concepts, they are tasked with expanding the collective consciousness, and do so by inspiring our imaginations.
I seek new variables to tweak the nature of consciousness by testing them in different conditions and paying attention to its influence on my attention. I like to share the information/memories I save because it reduces the cost of saving. Wiping our faces on each others’ faces is the best way to do that.
Saundra’s self has learned how to make me blush really, really hard. ❤️
Eyes specialize in sensitivity to photons
We learn to pull ourselves up with our own Bootstraps.
Giang’s curry was delicious 😘
30/9/2021
Visited Giang in the morning to pick up my notice from the dmv about my incoming suspension.
Stopped by triangle square but Sean was busy. Hung out in the GO parking lot.
Winning by one at Will is a powerful character trait. Thanks pingers.
Accents and dialects protect common zones for the voice
I go onto a state of equanimity to channel my voice most effectively.
The earth is trying to maintain the integrity of countries within our bodies. 🖐👍 🤜
👄👁👂🏽What’s up guys this is Jeff speaking this is Jeremy speaking we reflexively switch our names through that protected throat channel.
Doing more impressions will be useful, particularly robin williams and your loved ones.
Bro’s database is heavily dependent on Symbolism
Smoke some stuff if you can read this.
Sameness should be understood, while differences should be celebrated and then understood, to some extent.
Learning your friends’ appedtites is a useful way to understand what they, and more abstractly you, are going through
Jeff was in my nose 👃
2023.07.31 16:55 NegativeGamer Respect Scott Wozniak (Scott The Woz)
"Hey all, Scott here!"
Scott The Woz (full name "Scott 'Will Eventually Take a Look at the First Mega Man' Daniel Wozniak (working title)) is a youtuber who primarily spends his time talking about stupid Nintendo games.
What, do you want me to write an essay for you here? He's not that complicated, he owns ten Wii Us!
(Videos each respective feat is sourced from are named in the title of the feat's imgur post)
submitted by NegativeGamer to respectthreads [link] [comments]
Scott The Woz (full name "Scott 'Will Eventually Take a Look at the First Mega Man' Daniel Wozniak (working title)) is a youtuber who primarily spends his time talking about stupid Nintendo games.
What, do you want me to write an essay for you here? He's not that complicated, he owns ten Wii Us!
(Videos each respective feat is sourced from are named in the title of the feat's imgur post)
Strength
Throwing
- Throws a SEGA Genesis game into his bathroom's toilet from several rooms away
- Throws a baseball bat hard enough to knock over a possessed arcade cabinet, killing it
- Throws a copy of Madden 08 into the Genesis Mech hard enough to cause an explosion that blows the entire thing up
- Throws a copy of Madden 08 into the Blue Border hard enough to pierce into it
- Throws two spanish copies of Madden 08 at a weakened Blue Border hard enough to make an explosion, reducing it to a small size
Other
- After slapping his knee six and a half total times, his knee starts bleeding
- Pushes an arcade cabinet off of him
- Cracks open a can of soup like an egg
- Holds back the Anti-Gex from absorbing him long enough for him to realize its weakness to Gex, despite it being strong enough to absorb Scott's friends without resistance
- Flicks an NES cartridge hard enough to leave a crack on it
- Brags about how he can draw blood with a plastic knife, accidentally demonstrating so on himself
- Scratches the back of his hand so hard it makes a large gash
Durability
Blunt
- Takes a beating from RelaxAlax
- Survives getting smacked from the air by the giant Dick Vitale's Awesome Baby College Hoops mecha through a street, landing in an underground secret lair
- Survives, and appears unharmed by, a train crash that strands him on a deserted island
- Is unbothered after being buried in wii shovelware falling on him
- Falls into ground hard enough to be half buried in it
- Is telekinetically pulled through the roof of a mecha, then is kicked a large distance by Dr. Anna May, though the latter attack leaves him a crippled lump until he heals his wounds
- Is hit in the face by a flying Wii game hard enough to give him a bloody nose
- Gets smacked in the head by a frying pan
- Falls to Earth from outer space, only causing him to spit out blood
- Survives Rex Mohs beating him with the board game Boggle hard enough to embed it into his head
- Quickly recovers from being hit directly on the head by a falling chunk of roof
Piercing
- An untreated gunshot wound to his leg doesn't seem to affect him beyond being annoying
- Is shot in the head, the video continues on as normal
- Doesn't appear visibly harmed by being shot in the chest, and prefers it to being stabbed
- Is shot six times and only really appears to be in pain
- Ignores being stabbed in the chest
- Stabs himself in the wrist
- Shows no reaction at all to being stabbed in the arm while playing Pac-Man World Re-Pac
- Was stabbed in the eye offscreen
- Attempts to give himself a tattoo using a power drill (without a drill bit in it), and doesn’t seem harmed
- Drinks from a glass of nails
- Breaks a glass bottle in his hand
Explosive/Heat
- Survives the explosion caused by using Mighty No. 9 to defeat Dr. Anna May
- His washing machine explodes directly on him and he's unharmed
- Is more bothered by the Switch port of Civilization VI not being fun than he is about playing the game while in a burning house
Other
- Is completely unbothered by his entire hand bleeding profusely
- Gets chemical burns on his hands from battery corrosion
- Drinks rubbing alcohol, not feeling any adverse effects until the end of the video (around 12 minutes) where he realizes what he drank
- Brushes his teeth with Raid and only experiences a bad trip
Immortality
- Is apparently not mortal, as "the whole 'mortality' thing" is under his "Things I Want!" list
- After attempting to make a new Smash Bros. game kills him, the episode continues as if nothing happened and he's perfectly fine next time he's on-screen
- After talking about Mario Kart 8 Deluxe after Mario Kart 8 causes the space time continuum to break and the universe to collapse, Scott still continues to exists (the consequences of this are ignored by next episode)
- Disappears after proclaiming that everyone who bought Wii shovelware shouldn't exist, he's back by next episode and this is never acknowledged afterward
- Is able to talk to Jerry from inside his own brain after being knocked unconscious, even after he becomes brain dead and has no pulse (he was later resuscitated from this state)
- Is still able to make a snarky comment after apparently being shot dead, the video continues as if nothing happened
- Flatlines, appears unfazed
- After being killed while reviewing Sonic 3D Blast's development history, Scott's soul remains on Earth due to having unfinished business (playing Sonic 3D Blast). Once he does so and gives his thoughts on the game, he's resurrected
- Implied to not be alive/have a pulse
- In-universe, murder is a treatable and apparently somewhat mundane condition for people, with the process of recovery seemingly being similar to other traumatic injuries (Though Scott is notably never murdered himself)
- His body explodes into two halves, and the video continues as normal
Speed/Agility
- Avoids and runs away from Dr. Anna May's energy blasts
- Catches a Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash fired at him at high speeds by the Anti-Gex
- Quickly runs back and forth between a news station and a Walgreens in order to perform a news broadcast by himself
- Jumps high into the air
Skill
- Steals every copy of Madden 18 from a Target, which was 200 copies in total
- Devises a scheme to steal copies of Super Smash Bros. Melee, which proves to be far more effective than he expected
- Breaks out of being grabbed by the neck and quickly throws a copy of Madden 08 to hit a lever that tilts the mech he's in to fall out of it
- While sorting a large stack of games into if they're a remake, remaster, or rerelease (among other categories), accurately throws the game into its proper section (mostly) consistently from across his room
Intelligence
- After Madden 08's existence is erased from the timeline, he's able to perfectly recreate the game after winning a sweepstakes that let him create whatever game he wanted
- Has a degree in "fishy names" and claims to be an expert on them (despite this, he still gets the "fishy names" Jeopardy question completely wrong, so it's unclear how knowledgeable he truly is)
- Realizes that the Anti-Gex's weakness is Gex, and uses a copy of the game he had on him to kill it
- Is able to determine exactly what Wii shovelware game just hit him in the face by how it feels
- Builds a working spaceship out of Wii shovelware games
- Realizes that the Blue Border's weakness is virginity, and uses that knowledge to substantially weaken it
- Made some of the things he owned "theft-proof" by spitting on them a lot
- Quickly determines how much water is leaking into his house
Physiology
- Fits the entire Gamecube keyboard controller into his mouth
- Eats a fucking Wii (offscreen)
- His five senses are at "dangerous levels"
- Despite this, in other videos he states that he has "very slow ears" and "sees in five frames a second"
- His blood turns yellow after unknown period of time because he's colorblind
- His race, according to his therapist's file on him, is "not an RPG guy", and his zodiac sign is "alcoholic"
- Received a brain transplant with an identical brain to his original one, only with a slightly increased tolerance to PC games. This is fixed by the end of the episode
- Has a sixth sense telling him whenever Wikipedia is edited
- Holds his breath until his skin turns blue
Equipment
Weaponry
- Carried a handgun when he was part of the Pollution Patrol and has been seen with it on other occasions
- Also owns an assault rifle and a shotgun
- Claims to always keep a frying pan handy in case a 7/10 game were to strike
- Has broken things with a hammer on several occasions
- Utilizes his "street smarts" to produce a bat out of a nearby corn field, which he uses to kill a possessed arcade cabinet
- Kills Steel Wool by slapping a paper with the word Madden on it (Scott's first ever Madden fanart) onto his chest, which inflicted the Madden curse on him, a phenomenon where every non-John Madden person to appear on the cover of a Madden game experienced a major injury soon after
- Uses a bottle of solidified Pepto Bismol (made solid due to being in outer space) to fight off the Green Bay Packers (alongside Team F×cked)
- After his copy Madden 08 falls into a container of "Goo That Turns Games Into Cyborgs", he briefly is able to pilot a giant mech of Madden 08
Technology
- A "Trailer-Fix-A-Tron", a machine that can convert bad trailers to be "somewhat presentable"
- An "It's that time" machine which can formulate a topic that is "embarrassingly" topical, though it seems to be broken as it prints out "E3 1996"
- Installed a Polybius alarm that sounds off when there's a sighting of Polybius within 10 meters of his location
- Scans into and pilots a spaceship, which can receive transmissions from nearby planets in distress
- The spaceship has "sarcasm" and "fuck ugly idea" barriers
- A "Jeep-O-Meter" and "Creep-O-Meter", which inform him that its Halloween
- Also a "Piss-O-Meter", which tracks the amount of genuine fear Scott is experiencing
- Keeps a copy of Madden 08 and a flash drive with the NFL theme song on it inside a spacetime continuum proof bag, allowing them to remain unaltered and intact after the timeline is rewritten to where Dick Vitale's Awesome Baby College Hoops was, and always had been, the only existing sports video game
- A "Sequel Confirmer", a device that determines if the game you're scanning with it is a sequel or not
- A "Virgin Radar", which appears to detect
stupidreal Nintendo games - A "Fact Detector", detects facts
- Built a working spaceship out of Wii shovelware games
- Can receive transmissions from other ships
- Bobs and weaves through space, avoiding lasers fired from Brett Favre's ship
- Is undamaged by Favre's ship ramming into it and docking
- Charges up a powerful laser beam (which is powered by zinc, among other resources) that cancels out Favre's own laser, launching away both ships
- Runs on gas
- Uses a Pong console to take phone calls
Other
- Procures a robust survivalist kit for the midnight launch of Pokemon Sword & Shield
- Keeps his dental records on him
- Keeps a plank of nailed wood around his neck, as boarded-up doors are the "achilles heel" of good deals
- Owns a bulletproof vest
Powers/Capabilities
Combat Abilities
- Through the power of humility (and with the help of some anime video games), summons a giant anime mecha to pilot and fight Dr. Anna May's giant anime mecha
- Heals his wounds by respecting anime despite not understanding it
- Summons the game Mighty No. 9 and uses it to create a large explosion to defeat Dr. Anna May
- Telekinetically throws dozens upon dozens of Wii games at the Blue Border
Creation
- Knows an old family recipe to cook cigarettes
- Also has a recipe to bake milk, however he accidentally overcooks it
- Instantly makes the Nintendo Labo RC car in an impossible fashion
- Writes the word "LEAK" onto a piece of paper by spitting water onto it
- Accidentally made the Gamecube game Geist while trying to make mayonnaise
- Accidentally makes an empanada while failing to make chicken pot pie, and also cooks a store bought rotisserie chicken with a refrigerator
- Turns some "toys" he bought at Spencer's Gifts into Skylanders: Spyro's Adventure
Future Sight/Past Messaging
- Views what his life will be ten years in the future
- Contacts his past self from fourteen minutes in the futurehttps://imgur.com/A7Z2wn1)
- [Contacts his past self from ten seconds in the future](
- Utilizes witchcraft to learn what the upcoming E3 press conferences will be like
- Sends a message to the past from at least ten years in the future warning everyone about the advancement of cloud gaming
Notable Business/Legal Ventures
- Is legally considered a building, not a human
- Legally owns the patent for the phrase "it looks fine"
- Apparently had a notably large Wii Play Motion resale company, though it had to be liquidated due to it being an illegal business
Other
- This is how he uses a phone
- Was in the process of converting clothes, water, and trees to a hard drive through unknown means
- Uses a rotten watermelon to contain the released spirit of a demonic arcade cabinet
- Implied to be playing Super Smash Bros. Melee on an Xbox, somehow
- Him talking about Mario Kart 8 Deluxe after talking about Mario Kart 8 causes the space time continuum to break, resulting in the universe collapsing
- Uses the Wii Photo Channel for twenty-one years straight in one day
- Takes an impossible route to drive from Toledo, Ohio to Las Vegas, Nevada in 28 hours
- Causes himself to disappear after proclaiming that anyone who bought Wii shovelware shouldn't exist
- Transports to the future by using Sonic & Knuckles' lock-on technology
- Learns how to resurrect the dead, and uses this power to reanimate his financial stability (and another person)
- Causes a 3DS game to vanish via a magic trick
Miscellaneous Facts
- His input on historical wars is deemed valuable enough that most history textbooks have a section for "what Scott thinks" after the French Revolution section
- Has thrown 95% of all copies of Chibi-Robo! Zip Lash down the toilet over the course of three years
- His great uncle "E"d invented letters
- Was elected as a senator of Ohio
2023.07.01 22:59 AslandusTheLaster Murder in Winthrop Manor
Original prompt: [WP] The characters are all oblivious and missing all the plot lines and clues. The narrator grows slowly angry as they don't let ths story be told (link)
It was a dark and dreary night within Withrop Manor. Unlike most nights however, tonight nobody was permitted to leave, as the lord of the manor had been murdered. With the doors and windows all locked, the culprit had to be one of the people within its walls.
The five sleuths quickly split up, making the... slightly questionable decision to wander the halls of the great manor alone while a murderer was loose, but they set to work pursuing their own theories about the culprit.
The first of our intrepid detectives was the late Gnaeus Winthrop's son, Orion Winthrop. A lad of 19 years whom he'd sired with one of his waitstaff and legitimized less than a year before, the boy stood to inherit the entire estate in the event that anything happened to befall the now late lord. The motive seemed perfect, if not for the fact that the young man was as far a cry from a murderous psychopath as one could be, and if taken at his word, had actually been looked forward to meeting the man who was supposed to be his father.
This young man was scouring the master bedroom, hoping to find some clue as to what his father had been up to leading up to his death. He quickly laid hands on several financial documents detailing transactions he had undergone purchasing the rights to the land surrounding the estate in preparation for some project the lord was now too deceased to carry out. He also discovered the lord's journal, explaining how he was planning to clear out the local old-growth forests to build a swimming pool, among other amenities, to add to the estate. A dead end, it seemed, leading the young man to simply collapse onto the bed in frustration. This, however proved to be produc- What? Where is he going? Oh dear, he's now gotten distracted examining the large portrait of Gnaeus that hangs on the wall... Uh, he examined the canvas, and discovered something off with the eyes, as the portrait had been modified to cover a hidden room so the lady of the house could spy on her husband when he thought she was away.
While admittedly very interesting, he ended up missing the fact that the pillows on the bed had been used to conceal a revolver which was missing a single bullet... And now he was searching the bookcase for a magic book that would open up a secret passage. He somehow managed to fail to discover that the book "Secret Passages and Where to Hide Them" was the one that opened the way to the lady's network of tunnels, and instead wandered off, pursuing his new theory that the killer was actually a ghost haunting the artwork of the manor while completely failing to find both the murder weapon and the secret passageways.
As following Orion is becoming quite tiresome, what say we move on to our second sleuth? Investigator Leland Graymoor was a private eye hired by Lady Withrop to unveil Gneaus' secrets. He was also the lady's secret lover, and she had more than enough reason to put him up to offing the lord of the manor on her behalf. That said, he had little reason to do so himself and had an alibi due to having been speaking to the butler when the gunshot went off.
He was currently stalking the butler of the manor, who was blissfully unaware of the man following him. The butler went down to the kitchen to check on the cooks, who continued preparing the evening meal despite the ruckus. After all, they now had guests, and the way things were going they would most likely be spending the night, so keeping them fed was an important part of being a good host. The rotisserie spit turned steadily, roasting a rack of lamb to perfection. Pans sizzled as onions fried in butter until they reached a golden brown. Pots bubbled with stews, soups, and broths.
Suffice to say, Leland got slightly distracted by the alluring smells in the room and lost track of the butler, who had wandered into the halls to check on the maids and cleaning staff to make sure the bedrooms would be prepared when their guests required them. Distressed, he ran off to find his top suspect, not even thinking to ask any of the servants when the last time they had seen the lord was. Had he done so, he would've discovered that the lord was last seen two hours after the gunshot that had killed him had been heard.
Since Leland is apparently very underqualified for his chosen profession, we shall try the third of our sleuths and hope this one has at least one brain cell. Sophia Yang was a maid working at the estate to fund her degree in investigative journalism. She had little motive to carry out the murder, aside from the questionable work policies. As an investigator, she was of particular value due to the notes she had been taking in preparation for a project exposing some of the estate's secrets.
Sophia was starting her investigation in the wine cellar, looking to uncover the secrets of the house itself that was surely relevant to the death of its lord. As she perused the bottles and casks, she noted the- No, she completely missed the small wooden door squirreled away in the corner. You know, the one containing the century-old dungeon the lord now used for hiding the records of his double-life as a prizefighter in the local MMA gym. Instead, she... dug through a box of wine bottles of various vintages looking for a specific... What the hell IS she doing? Inspecting the dust? Well, now she's leaving, okay, I don't know why I got my hopes up.
Anyway, we also have Nadia Ogrin, a business associate of the lord who had been working with him to manage his estate. In her position, it was quite possible that she could have made a large sum of money provided nobody who knew better double-checked her work, and thus was her potential motive. She, however, had only entered the building after the gunshot was heard, so unless the murder weapon inexplicably proved NOT to be a gun, it was very unlikely that hers was the hand that ended Lord Winthrop.
She was looking over the library, searching for the records of the lord's other dealings. If she were to bump into Orion, she would likely learn of his most recent project, but instead she got deep into reading about his adventures in South America. While undoubtedly fascinating, they are a story for another time, and as she bumbled through the books she knocked a key loose from one of the texts. If she were to test the key around the house, she would eventually find that it unlocked the vault in the basement which stored the less public records of the family's history, and thus be of GREAT value to anyone who believed such things were of value. Instead, she nestled the key back into the book where she found it and returned to reading steamy stories about Lord Winthrop galivanting across foreign lands.
The last idiot trying and probably failing to solve this mystery is Theodore Longview, long time rival and peer of Lord Winthrop. Despite their long-standing hatred of each other, he claims he didn't murder the man, and said he would be bragging about it if he had. He desperately wants to find who has deprived him of his long-owed victory.
Theodore was inspecting the body, determined to find how the seemingly invincible man had perished, or more precisely, to uncover how he'd narrowly evaded death and staged this whole fiasco. He checked the wound, and found it to be quite real and most likely lethal. He checked the man's pockets, and found the signature locket he always had with him. He checked the man's shoes, and noted the dust still stuck to them from his latest trip. Any competent inspector would have taken this as a hint that he was probably the real deal, but Theodore just kept looking him over. And over. And over...
You know what, let's just check with Orion again. Oh, good lord, he's begun turning all the paintings in the house backwards to prevent the ghosts from reaching anyone. Maybe Lelan- No, he's getting into a fist fight with one of the laundry women... And losing, by the look of it. Please tell me Sophia is- no, she's just getting drunk and drawing pictures of elephants in her notebook.
Okay, fuck this. Fuck all these people. I just wanted to tell a fun mystery story, but they're all so terrible at this that they're going to end up bungling it until the answer either reveals itself or they convict an innocent person. Instead, I'm just gonna spoil it: It was the hooded figure who's hiding in the rafters of the building. He was going to club Leland and Nadia over the heads when they got too close to the truth, and lock them in the dungeon, then Sophia was going to discover them when she went back to check once she realized that between his adventures abroad and his prizefighting, Winthrop wouldn't have had any time to actually run his estate, but before she could let them out or tell anyone she would get captured too.
It was going to be really tense, and build up to the moment when Orion and Theodore set aside their differences and teamed up to find the others. They'd be creeping through the secret tunnels Orion had discovered, because the killer could be any of the staff, and then they run right into the killer as they're going around, who it turns out was actually Gnaeus' twin brother Jessop all along, who was furious at being officially disinherited after all he'd done to help cover up his brother's secrets. That was going to lead into an amazing epic fight where Theodore holds off Jessop while Orion saves the others, and Theodore ends up needing to swallow his pride and run away because, surprise surprise, a Middleweight MMA fighter is a bit tougher than a rich guy who spends his free time robbing native peoples of their cultural artifacts. Then Orion and the others would've made it back just in time to team up to fight Jessop, and it would've been close, but then sirens come from outside as the cops showed up to bring in the killer because it turns out Sophia was smart enough to actually call the cops before running off to get into a fist-fight with a known murderer. But wait, then Jessop tells Orion something that implies he might actually be his father, before leaping through a window and disappearing into the night.
Finally, the cops arrive and the gang starts explaining the situation, which of course makes them sound like a bunch of lunatics and the cops think they're being messed with. Then the butler informs everyone that dinner is ready and they all sit down to eat as we zoom out to find Jessop has spirited away his brother's body and all evidence of the murder. It would've been cathartic and fun and wild and offered a sequel hook where the gang gets back together to solve a different mystery that isn't nearly as compelling but all the fans watch it anyway because they're really there for the character dynamics at that point...
And there'd be a romantic subplot between Orion and Sophia that's kind of tacked on but it's cute enough that most fans don't care, as well as one between Nadia and Leland that's really just fanservice because it doesn't make any sense when Leland's supposed to be spoken for and it was kind of hinted that Nadia had a thing for Gnaeus, but nobody even notices because they don't remember who Lady Winthrop is and they completely missed the hints of Nadia's crush, and everyone would start calling Longview "Uncle Theodore" even though he still acts like kind of a dick to everyone because the writers completely misunderstood what people found compelling about his character, and Jessop returns when the team is in danger to rescue them because it turns out his actual beef was with his brother and he's not that bad a dude, and he gets to come home as a payoff to the last cliffhanger because nobody actually has proof that Gnaeus was murdered and nobody really points out the kind of fucked-up implications that carries with it... And then there's another movie because the people with the money insist that audiences love trilogies, and they end up creating some sort of mystery organization based out of the Winthrop manor and spiraling into a whole franchise that most fans kind of wish would end even though they keep consuming all its media...
But no, fuck all that and fuck you guys. You don't deserve sequels! You don't deserve a franchise! You don't even deserve catharsis! You can't even turn your damned heads to see the evidence in the same room! Fuck you Orion, Leland, Sophia, Nadia, and Theodore! Jessop's cool though, he can stay...
Actually you know what? I'm too angry and WAY too drunk to deal with any more of this nonsense. Fuck all of you, I'm out!
submitted by AslandusTheLaster to AslandusTheLaster [link] [comments]
The five sleuths quickly split up, making the... slightly questionable decision to wander the halls of the great manor alone while a murderer was loose, but they set to work pursuing their own theories about the culprit.
The first of our intrepid detectives was the late Gnaeus Winthrop's son, Orion Winthrop. A lad of 19 years whom he'd sired with one of his waitstaff and legitimized less than a year before, the boy stood to inherit the entire estate in the event that anything happened to befall the now late lord. The motive seemed perfect, if not for the fact that the young man was as far a cry from a murderous psychopath as one could be, and if taken at his word, had actually been looked forward to meeting the man who was supposed to be his father.
This young man was scouring the master bedroom, hoping to find some clue as to what his father had been up to leading up to his death. He quickly laid hands on several financial documents detailing transactions he had undergone purchasing the rights to the land surrounding the estate in preparation for some project the lord was now too deceased to carry out. He also discovered the lord's journal, explaining how he was planning to clear out the local old-growth forests to build a swimming pool, among other amenities, to add to the estate. A dead end, it seemed, leading the young man to simply collapse onto the bed in frustration. This, however proved to be produc- What? Where is he going? Oh dear, he's now gotten distracted examining the large portrait of Gnaeus that hangs on the wall... Uh, he examined the canvas, and discovered something off with the eyes, as the portrait had been modified to cover a hidden room so the lady of the house could spy on her husband when he thought she was away.
While admittedly very interesting, he ended up missing the fact that the pillows on the bed had been used to conceal a revolver which was missing a single bullet... And now he was searching the bookcase for a magic book that would open up a secret passage. He somehow managed to fail to discover that the book "Secret Passages and Where to Hide Them" was the one that opened the way to the lady's network of tunnels, and instead wandered off, pursuing his new theory that the killer was actually a ghost haunting the artwork of the manor while completely failing to find both the murder weapon and the secret passageways.
As following Orion is becoming quite tiresome, what say we move on to our second sleuth? Investigator Leland Graymoor was a private eye hired by Lady Withrop to unveil Gneaus' secrets. He was also the lady's secret lover, and she had more than enough reason to put him up to offing the lord of the manor on her behalf. That said, he had little reason to do so himself and had an alibi due to having been speaking to the butler when the gunshot went off.
He was currently stalking the butler of the manor, who was blissfully unaware of the man following him. The butler went down to the kitchen to check on the cooks, who continued preparing the evening meal despite the ruckus. After all, they now had guests, and the way things were going they would most likely be spending the night, so keeping them fed was an important part of being a good host. The rotisserie spit turned steadily, roasting a rack of lamb to perfection. Pans sizzled as onions fried in butter until they reached a golden brown. Pots bubbled with stews, soups, and broths.
Suffice to say, Leland got slightly distracted by the alluring smells in the room and lost track of the butler, who had wandered into the halls to check on the maids and cleaning staff to make sure the bedrooms would be prepared when their guests required them. Distressed, he ran off to find his top suspect, not even thinking to ask any of the servants when the last time they had seen the lord was. Had he done so, he would've discovered that the lord was last seen two hours after the gunshot that had killed him had been heard.
Since Leland is apparently very underqualified for his chosen profession, we shall try the third of our sleuths and hope this one has at least one brain cell. Sophia Yang was a maid working at the estate to fund her degree in investigative journalism. She had little motive to carry out the murder, aside from the questionable work policies. As an investigator, she was of particular value due to the notes she had been taking in preparation for a project exposing some of the estate's secrets.
Sophia was starting her investigation in the wine cellar, looking to uncover the secrets of the house itself that was surely relevant to the death of its lord. As she perused the bottles and casks, she noted the- No, she completely missed the small wooden door squirreled away in the corner. You know, the one containing the century-old dungeon the lord now used for hiding the records of his double-life as a prizefighter in the local MMA gym. Instead, she... dug through a box of wine bottles of various vintages looking for a specific... What the hell IS she doing? Inspecting the dust? Well, now she's leaving, okay, I don't know why I got my hopes up.
Anyway, we also have Nadia Ogrin, a business associate of the lord who had been working with him to manage his estate. In her position, it was quite possible that she could have made a large sum of money provided nobody who knew better double-checked her work, and thus was her potential motive. She, however, had only entered the building after the gunshot was heard, so unless the murder weapon inexplicably proved NOT to be a gun, it was very unlikely that hers was the hand that ended Lord Winthrop.
She was looking over the library, searching for the records of the lord's other dealings. If she were to bump into Orion, she would likely learn of his most recent project, but instead she got deep into reading about his adventures in South America. While undoubtedly fascinating, they are a story for another time, and as she bumbled through the books she knocked a key loose from one of the texts. If she were to test the key around the house, she would eventually find that it unlocked the vault in the basement which stored the less public records of the family's history, and thus be of GREAT value to anyone who believed such things were of value. Instead, she nestled the key back into the book where she found it and returned to reading steamy stories about Lord Winthrop galivanting across foreign lands.
The last idiot trying and probably failing to solve this mystery is Theodore Longview, long time rival and peer of Lord Winthrop. Despite their long-standing hatred of each other, he claims he didn't murder the man, and said he would be bragging about it if he had. He desperately wants to find who has deprived him of his long-owed victory.
Theodore was inspecting the body, determined to find how the seemingly invincible man had perished, or more precisely, to uncover how he'd narrowly evaded death and staged this whole fiasco. He checked the wound, and found it to be quite real and most likely lethal. He checked the man's pockets, and found the signature locket he always had with him. He checked the man's shoes, and noted the dust still stuck to them from his latest trip. Any competent inspector would have taken this as a hint that he was probably the real deal, but Theodore just kept looking him over. And over. And over...
You know what, let's just check with Orion again. Oh, good lord, he's begun turning all the paintings in the house backwards to prevent the ghosts from reaching anyone. Maybe Lelan- No, he's getting into a fist fight with one of the laundry women... And losing, by the look of it. Please tell me Sophia is- no, she's just getting drunk and drawing pictures of elephants in her notebook.
Okay, fuck this. Fuck all these people. I just wanted to tell a fun mystery story, but they're all so terrible at this that they're going to end up bungling it until the answer either reveals itself or they convict an innocent person. Instead, I'm just gonna spoil it: It was the hooded figure who's hiding in the rafters of the building. He was going to club Leland and Nadia over the heads when they got too close to the truth, and lock them in the dungeon, then Sophia was going to discover them when she went back to check once she realized that between his adventures abroad and his prizefighting, Winthrop wouldn't have had any time to actually run his estate, but before she could let them out or tell anyone she would get captured too.
It was going to be really tense, and build up to the moment when Orion and Theodore set aside their differences and teamed up to find the others. They'd be creeping through the secret tunnels Orion had discovered, because the killer could be any of the staff, and then they run right into the killer as they're going around, who it turns out was actually Gnaeus' twin brother Jessop all along, who was furious at being officially disinherited after all he'd done to help cover up his brother's secrets. That was going to lead into an amazing epic fight where Theodore holds off Jessop while Orion saves the others, and Theodore ends up needing to swallow his pride and run away because, surprise surprise, a Middleweight MMA fighter is a bit tougher than a rich guy who spends his free time robbing native peoples of their cultural artifacts. Then Orion and the others would've made it back just in time to team up to fight Jessop, and it would've been close, but then sirens come from outside as the cops showed up to bring in the killer because it turns out Sophia was smart enough to actually call the cops before running off to get into a fist-fight with a known murderer. But wait, then Jessop tells Orion something that implies he might actually be his father, before leaping through a window and disappearing into the night.
Finally, the cops arrive and the gang starts explaining the situation, which of course makes them sound like a bunch of lunatics and the cops think they're being messed with. Then the butler informs everyone that dinner is ready and they all sit down to eat as we zoom out to find Jessop has spirited away his brother's body and all evidence of the murder. It would've been cathartic and fun and wild and offered a sequel hook where the gang gets back together to solve a different mystery that isn't nearly as compelling but all the fans watch it anyway because they're really there for the character dynamics at that point...
And there'd be a romantic subplot between Orion and Sophia that's kind of tacked on but it's cute enough that most fans don't care, as well as one between Nadia and Leland that's really just fanservice because it doesn't make any sense when Leland's supposed to be spoken for and it was kind of hinted that Nadia had a thing for Gnaeus, but nobody even notices because they don't remember who Lady Winthrop is and they completely missed the hints of Nadia's crush, and everyone would start calling Longview "Uncle Theodore" even though he still acts like kind of a dick to everyone because the writers completely misunderstood what people found compelling about his character, and Jessop returns when the team is in danger to rescue them because it turns out his actual beef was with his brother and he's not that bad a dude, and he gets to come home as a payoff to the last cliffhanger because nobody actually has proof that Gnaeus was murdered and nobody really points out the kind of fucked-up implications that carries with it... And then there's another movie because the people with the money insist that audiences love trilogies, and they end up creating some sort of mystery organization based out of the Winthrop manor and spiraling into a whole franchise that most fans kind of wish would end even though they keep consuming all its media...
But no, fuck all that and fuck you guys. You don't deserve sequels! You don't deserve a franchise! You don't even deserve catharsis! You can't even turn your damned heads to see the evidence in the same room! Fuck you Orion, Leland, Sophia, Nadia, and Theodore! Jessop's cool though, he can stay...
Actually you know what? I'm too angry and WAY too drunk to deal with any more of this nonsense. Fuck all of you, I'm out!
2023.06.28 17:18 Adventurous-Map-9400 Growing Up Alien: Chapter 22
A homeless teenager reaches out to the Shil’vati on first day of the invasion of Earth.
This is a rewrite of my original story ‘Loyalist’.
Credit to u/bluefishcake for writing the original SSB story.
Pizzaulostin who has been beta reading since the beginning.
and u/BruhMomentGEE who has really helped with plot and dialogue.
Credit to u/HollowShel for getting me started with this!
This story is based in the SSB universe.
Previous
First
next
as always, comments are welcome.
I closed my eyes as I was momentarily blinded by the shimmer of a mirror reflecting the setting [sunlight] atop a Shil temple looked millennia out of current building codes. My vision cleared a instant later. The light blotted by a looming warehouse, the brilliant gold light replaced with the cold glint of a silver mirror surrounded by a star speckled field of black.
At the top of the entrance was an old Shil’vati, wrapped up mummy-like in a metal flecked black cloth holding an ancient flame taper to ignite the beacon inside a model lighthouse that stood at the bottom of the building’s stairs. The short stature and flat chest designated the priest as male. The whole setup looked so familiar, but what was it doing off a drama set?
He looked up straight at me, and smiled as if he could see right past the tinted windows. I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. I looked up at Reqellia and quietly asked, “what’s the temple with the mirror?”
Reqellia’s sour expression told me she spoke from ugly experience. “The order of Niosa, goddess of sea and space. Thought you would recognize it with all your cultural studies.”
I had, in a way. I could at least recognize the separate parts. Various supernatural and historical Shil dramas I watched had featured the priest’s clothing, the temple, and even the setting of the lighthouse, but I hadn’t put those together with the real-world religious iconography. “Not all of it.”
Reqellia turned her eyes down to look at me, punctuating her warning. “Be careful of the Shil’vati religious orders, especially Niosa’s, they have a bad habit of mistaking mysticism with reality.”
I nodded, but something about the scene still niggled at the back of my mind.
-----------------------
The streetlights were just coming on as we departed the bus in front of the Gearschilde community center. The building was surprisingly Shil stock standard, with the exception of the massive iron double doors inlaid with scenes depicting farms, industry, and community. They swung effortlessly in when I turned the long handle. Inside was a large arched hallway with a second set of double doors at the end. The shadowless warm lighting and earth tone walls made it cheery without the sterility found in most lobbies.
“Why a hallway for the entrance?” I wondered aloud.
A Gearschilde in simple workwear approached us with cybernetic eyes, skin inked with conductive tattoos acting as signal wires over her face that creeped down below her neckline. “It’s meant to resemble our old decontamination hallways. Welcome to my home, I am Provides Safety and Food. Reqellia! Should I have a night watch, or are you staying this time?”
“Night watch this time please, Provides. I need a bit of time to myself,” Reqellia said. I stopped taking in my surroundings to look curiously at Reqellia, then to Provides, what was the history here?
“Ah! No trouble, and who is this joining us tonight? Your rumored human son?” Provides asked ruefully, cybernetic eyes glinting.
Reqellia responded, and I realized it was the first time I heard any mirth in her voice since she picked me up today. “Yes, this is Klein, so don’t give him something I couldn’t handle!”
Provides Safety and Food made a mock bow, and replied with her own joke. “Of course, if only because I lack the imagination to come up with a task impossible for you.”
Reqellia momentarily smiled at the comment, her expression fell as she turned and knelt looking me in the eye. “Hey, are you still going to be ok without me here tonight?”
I cocked my head in a question, even though I felt just a tad apprehensive, I did my best not to show it. I was nearly an adult; I had been an adult. “I was living on my own for months, and Cee’s going to be here tonight?”
Why was this still hard?
“Yes, Cee will be here, and I will be back in the morning, but contact Ruhal or Siltan if you need anything,” Reqellia said as she stood up and walked out the door. I caught a look of guilt that transformed into something much sharper as she left.
Provides was already approaching me before I had a chance to think on the parting.
“Well Klein, we have plenty to get done before tonight. How are your cooking skills?” Provides asked. The thought of cooking made my fingers itch. Sitting and talking was all fun and good, but I hadn’t done anything all day, and it was making me antsy. I needed to be productive somehow.
I replied quickly, “I can cook! Lead the way!”
--------------------------------
The passage to the kitchen went through a small indoor plaza with a pollinating flower garden in the center. Provides opened another door and we walked through a pantry of neatly arranged shelves stacked high with foodstuffs. The smell of caramelizing vegetables came through an open door. On the other side was an industrial sized kitchen, and in the center, cleaning L’out root, was the strangest Helkam man I had ever seen.
The male had the gray skin and small scales on his upper arms that was indicative of his species, but the forearms were made of pearly white and fire-engine red painted material that was clearly synthetic. A soft blue glow emanated from a grated area around the wrist area.
“Provides, did you bring me an assistant? What’s your name?” The Helkam asked me, his ears flaring out by a few degrees in mild un-controlled surprise, probably at me being Human, revealing a series of Nighkru-like glowing tattoos on the webbing.
“Klein, a wonder to meet you [Mr.]…?” I used the common informal Gearschilde greeting, trailing my sentence into a question, offering a fist in the standard Shil style.
“Tinkers With Curiosity, may wonders never cease. Let me get you an apron!” Tinker said, tapping my fist with his own. The hard metal was cold to the touch. He also referred to himself with a Gearschilde name, not Helkam.
Provides gave a quick goodbye as she went about whatever task needed to be taken care of before tonight, whatever tonight was about. Tinker immediately put me to work cleaning raw ingredients and laying them out for baking, broiling, and rotisserie. Twenty-gallon pots of soup were being automatically stirred as I worked the auto-chopper and food processor.
Me and Tinker talked the entire time as we worked together. I found out that Tinker was the husband in a six-person marriage of “Xenochilde;” three Rakiri and three Helkam, including himself, who for one reason or another lived as Gearschilde, subscribing to their teachings. I took note it wasn’t an exclusive way of life though; Tinker still wore a pendant depicting the Helkam goddess of wanderings.
I found Tinker's path to being Xenoschilde started when he had lost both arms to frostbite on an ill-advised climbing trip on his home planet [Titan’s cloud] when he was around my age. The replacement arms with Imperium-provided free care were slow, clunky, and underpowered. Useless for anything other than basic housework.
Unable to afford higher tier prosthetics, much less custom regrown limbs unless he joined the military, Tinker went to the Gearschilde clinic the same day he left the Shil hospital hoping to score something cheap. Instead of having to go into debt to buy fully functional prosthetic arms, he was offered to learn how to remake his own for what amounted to errands so the craft-priest could spend time teaching. After a few weeks spending his days at the crafter’s house instead of looking for whatever low-pay work he could find to fund his own replacements, Tinker left his Imperium provided housing for the Gearschilde community centers, system hopping for years before settling down here.
Tinker shifted the story back to me after going on the rundown of his life while loading the oven full of soon to be baked goods for the third time tonight. “So, you had a date today with a Rakiri? How’d it go, and who are her packmates?”
I had watched plenty of Rakiri dramas, and something brought up, even for a first date, especially for the first date, was that Rakiri talked about their packmates with their boyfriend as a packaged deal. I had hoped it was just the shows speeding the plot along. Tinker’s question called up my own suspicions again.
“She didn’t mention any,” I replied and heard the crash of metal on metal as Tinker accidentally pinched his fingers while closing the person sized oven doors.
Tinker looked straight at me. Not registering what I knew had to be pain sensors in those hands going off, -almost- shouting, “NONE!?”
I rubbed the back of my neck self-consciously. “I think the human culture of monogamy might have made her hesitant to talk about potential Kho’.”
It was a lie, but I was playing to the Xenophilic Gearschilde mores that allowed for cultural concessions. Tinker dubiously nodded at me, forced to take at face value a rumored exotic human custom, and Itaro’s response to it. “I… I’m sure that’s it.”
“Is it that odd? Not talking about packmates I mean?” I asked after a while stewing on the words. too curious to stop myself now that I had a cover. I didn’t think about it during the date, but almost immediately afterwards I knew something had been missing from our conversations.
“Odd? It’s a flashing warning sign. Loners aren’t common, and they tend to be antisocial at best, or at worst, predatory. By the end of the first date with Ol’tasa, I at least knew her packmates’ names and quirks,” Tinker explained as we took a water break as the last batch of bread rose in the oven.
Had Itaro mentioned any friends? Were her sisters that much work that she never made any? I remember her talking about some classmates, but did she not have anyone close outside her family?
‘The eight-ball says doubtful,’ Squirrel brain commented.
Tinker quelled the subject as he turned off the oven with his now scuffed hand. “Well, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You said Reqellia has known Itaro since she was a pup, and I trust her judgment. Besides, it’s dinner time!”
I looked at the massive spread on the counters in warming trays. “What’s the occasion?”
Tinker laughed. “With the exception of being Mid-Shel night, none really. This is a Community Center after all. We are expected to care for anyone who passes through the hallway doors.”
“Does Community Center mean something different in the Gearschilde language?” I asked, still confused, if this was a hostel, a barracks, or just a co-op.
“Calling this the same as a Shil’vati community center is like calling an Imperial dreadnaught a spaceship, but let’s talk about it over a meal, I’m starved,” Tinker said as he walked over to a weird, shaped box next to the door, and pressed the first physical button I had seen off Earth, labeled request for non-emergency assistance, kitchen.
A three-tone bell sounded, and doors opened almost immediately. Provides came in and shepherded me to a set of mens communal showers since I was covered in sweat, flour, cooking oil…
And blood, once Tinker saw I could wield a knife he had me clean fish, and even trim Turox ribs. First time I deboned a raw fish with Reqellia a month and a half ago I nearly vomited, but now? I probably smelled like a soured Pipya with all the cooking scraps on me.
“Did you bring an extra set of clothes?” Provides asked as she tapped on an omni-pad, her eyes moved chameleon-like as she read, walked, and talked at the same time.
“Uh, no?” I answered.
Shit, did I forget something?
“No trouble, there’s basic clothing in assorted sizes and shapes at the entrance of the shower room. Let me know by Omni-pad when you are done if you want an escort back to the dining hall,” Provides said matter-of-factly before she left.
I grabbed a set of clean clothes in my size packed in a waterproof bag from the row of cubbies and walked to a shower head, shutting the curtains on the partition before kicking on the hot water and stripping. In high school this would have been terrifying, even with the partitions. Now, after the Rakiri gym? It was just normal to shower hearing the bustling and conversations of other people*.*
‘How did this become normal?’ Squirrel brain asked.
‘Because it’s my life now,’ I answered back mentally. Something about my answer felt incomplete, but my introspection was cut off by my growling and a sudden pang in my stomach. My body had just let me know it was running on empty.
I quickly finished washing off and put on the new clothes while putting my dirty nice clothes in a hamper bag, breaking ID chit in half to reclaim it in the morning. Messaging Provides as I stood in front of the shower room, hopping from one foot to the next to distract myself from hunger. Not wanting to waste time exploring.
Provides, as if by magic, arrived less than a minute after I called to escort me to the dining hall.
Thankfully Cee was already here when we arrived, sparing me the embarrassment of anticipating where I should sit. Next to her was a Gearschilde... child, with a crown of black feathers, and wearing a small cross body backpack with a thin cable snaking to a port on the back of their neck. As Cee waved the kid jumped out of their seat and beelined it towards me.
A mechanical arm extended out of the backpack, and curled into a half first twitchily, wobbling in midair. The child greeted excitedly “Hi! I’m Starts Forge Fires With Dad, or Firestarter for short, who are you!?”
I beamed back and lightly tapped her mechanical hand with my own. “I’m Klein, it’s nice to meet you. How do you know Cee?”
“She’s my grandmother! I’m here for the next few days since I’m going to have a {half sister} soon!” Firestarter exclaimed.
“Come back here, Firestarter. Dinner is coming out!” Cee called, and Firestarter twirled, running back to the table. A feather dropped away from her temple, gray at the roots.
‘That explains why they are all bald, if they need augments just to live past forty, how bad is pregnancy?’ Squirrel-brain muttered grimly.
My dark thoughts were again interrupted when I sat down and noticed two conveyor belts that went down the center and back to the kitchen started to move metal plate after metal plate of food I had help make stream out, each dish covered with a glass top with printed and raised lettering in easy to read blocky Trade Shil used in travel kiosks. I looked down to see placards with buttons, different languages and even what I assumed to be braille like dots and dashes. Along with silhouettes of different species.
It read: Use this translator for different dietary restrictions, pick only dishes that have your silhouette.
I grabbed the first plate with a Rakiri silhouette since Human weren't accounted for yet and opened it up. It was Jinkobeast dumplings in bone broth. I wasn’t talking again until I put the third platter back on the conveyor back to the kitchen to be cleaned. Tinker had sat down with us in the in-between time. Eating as ravenously as I was, I hardly noticed him.
I looked around then. The other guests were not what I was used to. Older Gearschilde sure, but Shil, Helkam, Senthe, Triki, Rakiri, Kortika, even a shark-like Edixi sat in the back, the tips of its fins and nose white with age, many wearing a Gearschilde-made workwear like I was.
“What kind of customers do you get here?” I asked, and Cee looked perplexed.
“Not customers, just people, and they come here for different reasons. Many of them needed refuge from the universe, a good meal, and medical care,” Cee explained, her eyes crinkling in a wistful smile.
“Doesn’t the Imperium provide that?” I quired quietly. It felt like a heavy subject, but I was curious, so I pressed on.
“Yes, if you are within the territories of your residency, and even then, what the Imperium provides might not be enough to sustain you,” Cee said, her voice dropping until it was a hushed whisper.
“Why not just change residency, or appeal for extra resources?” I asked. I was mostly sure of the answer, but I wanted to be certain.
“The Imperium, for all its support, is complicated, and getting those appeals heard can be difficult if you don’t have money or connections. We provide help where we can, like her.” Cee pointed to a Shil woman in business clothes wearing the Governess’s official badge, and talking to a Senthe woman who hid her face underneath a cloak.
“She is here to help many of our guests get back in the Shil’vati welfare system, anonymously, but it takes time,” Cee told me between mouthfuls of her own food.
The Senthe with the Shil official approached us. She moved her cloak away from her face just enough to see the poorly installed Shil’ prosthetic eye and angular face reconstruction. Her raspy, synthetic, voice croaked, “Could you take a look at me? After you eat of course, there’s no emergency, but my left eye won’t focus anymore.”
Cee finished her food and stood. “It’s no trouble. Firestarter, can you come with me? I think Grandad might have some new stories for you.”
“Ok!” Firestarter got down from her chair and followed out with Cee, munching on a cookie. I looked down to see another feather drop from her head.
“Is she going to be ok? What about her mother’s Kho{co-wife}?” I asked Tinker in a worried whisper.
Tinker finished eating before responding. “Firestarter’s crown feathers are rare to be born with, and it’s a good omen of health that she still has any left. As for her mother’s Kho, she’s in no trouble, but it’s easier to not have an (eight) year old still learning how to use her ‘training arm’ underfoot. Besides, she’s going to be coming here soon for youth meetings every week.”
What is this place exactly?”
Tinker paused and then spooled up the explanation he had probably given a hundred times before judging by the even cadence of his voice.“The Gearschilde name is more akin to a combination of ‘fortress’, ‘outpost’, ‘bomb shelter’ and ‘temple’. During the days before the Gearschilde Calamity, there were fortress outposts to house the convoys getting up to mountain cities with their raw ore to be smelted. Afterwards, they helped any traveler in need, and often became the nucleus of the present day Gearschilde cities. It’s a heart, a refuge, and a home, anywhere a Gearschilde lives now. Trade Shil doesn’t have the nuance, so it’s just called it a community center.”
Reqellia’s words about if I ever found myself in another system now rang in my head. That’s why she wanted me to learn about this place.
Still, I had more questions in need of answering. “What are youth meetings?” I asked.
Tinker flicked his eyes towards me, webbed ears flared out before vaguely explaining, “Just a place for those going through puberty to talk about what they are dealing with.”
A Rakiri woman sat down, her left ear twitching badly. “Dear, can you check this? It’s been acting up all day.”
Tinker kissed on the head what I now understood to be one of his wives, his hand split open to reveal articulated micro-tools. I ate dessert while Tinker answered my scant questions on what he was doing while his wife sung a few stanzas of a choir song every now and then to test her own hearing. I was glad to be quiet for a while. It gave me time to try and process everything that happened this week.
At the end of the night, Provides led me to the single men’s dorm rooms where I bedded down. It was barely the size of my closet at home, but it was cozy. I stared up at the slanted painted ceiling, wondering what Reqellia was up to tonight.
“That I can guarantee**,** Flyer. You know about what I am?” I asked as I stood alone, bracing myself in the middle of the shuttle’s troop compartment.
“Only that you are apparently very scary. Not that I can tell. You look only about the normal amount of {badass} for a Commando.” The pilot replied.
I felt my face split into a feral grin, the first hammer blow of emotion getting past my regulator chip since last time I asked for a ride from the base commander. “You know about the ‘Living Exo’ program?”
“Where that {fucked} up stiff that went to town slicing up Commando gals and putting all sorts of experimental tech into them? Oh, is it true you can’t have little ones now?”
“Yeah, it’s true. How about you crack open the cargo door? I need the fresh air,” I said, feeling each emotion of rage, guilt, pity, happiness, even joy, slam against the regulator chips controls like a hungry beast against a cage.
“Okay. Just let me know if you get cold. It’s way below freezing this high up,” The pilot said as I looked out the window, the stars obscured by clouds, and saw the door start to drop.
I let the panels in my back extend out, and started to power on my internal fusion cells. The whine of turbines kicking on in my chest as the heat started to billow out from me. “I might set fire to your crash couches if you don’t.”
The air rippled around me as the frost from outside met inferno heat I was putting out. My HUD built into my eyes showed that the cooling system that once housed half of my stomach spooled up to keep my blood from boiling.
I wanted out, I wanted to turn the damn chip off and let go. I wanted to be angry, and break things. “Ok, here’s the plan. When I say ‘go’ make a straight vertical climb, and when I say ‘cut’, turn off the troop gravity and level off after three seconds. You will pick me up at the top of the mountain in three hours.”
The radio went silent then finally in an awestruck voice, all lackadaisy rudeness gone. “Goddess’s shit and left tit, you’re Hele’s Spear! Yes ma’am!”
The shuttle banked up hard, I looked out the rear door, now facing the mountain range peaks head on, my feet still glued by the artificial gravity of the shuttle floor as we rose higher. “CUT!”
I let my knees buckle. I was pulled out of the shuttle like a falling corpse by the planet’s gravity. I mentally reached for the regulator chip that let me interact with the rest of society as a normal person, and I turned it off.
HATE, RAGE, ECSTASY, MELANCHOLY, JOY. I was laughing and crying at the same time as I plummeted without a jump jet or even a parachute, not that I needed it.
The relief was almost incapacitating as I watched the ground draw nearer, my internal inertial dampeners cut my velocity to a quarter of what it was. Thermocast-reinforced bones and synthetic joints took the rest of the impact as the ground broke underneath the soles of my flexi-fibers shoes.
I looked up the mountain that was mocking me. I bellowed. “You think you’re high and mighty? Let's see how you feel when I’m standing on top of you!”
I ran, the open exhaust vents on my arms, legs and down my back melting snow around me, I drank from the canteen on my hip to refuel the internal fusion generators that drew water from my blood, as they pulled off the hydrogen to fuse, the waste oxygen was dissolved directly back into my bloodstream.
I breathed out carbon dioxide, steam, and helium isotopes as I free climbed up the sheer mountain wall. My fingers, normally supple as real flesh, had with a mental command stiffened, hard as tool steel spikes that bit into the rockface.
The first time I had made this climb was with Justice For The Desecrated when he questioned me about what had happened while offering solace. Now as I crested the summit, I looked out at the mountains below me. My condition, ‘Hele’s Blessing(Curse)’,was now mostly spent. With the last of my raw feelings I screamed into the howling wind to let the universe know, again**, I had won.**
I had never lashed out at my husband or children. I was a caretaker, a homemaker, and a loving wife. Every explicit or implied comment and conversation my family had said about how violent I would be, how dangerous, now thrown right back in their face.
I would not be defined by a priestess who had sermonized that I would be, should be, nothing more than a weapon, the Empress’s tool of conquest. My mother, who looked at me so proudly in my youth’s special militia uniform for early commando training. To my father, who would never let himself be alone in the same room as me.
I was not a weapon, not a monster, not the bearer of a genetic heirloom.
I was a person.
The echoes of my roar came back in waves as I sat down on the snow, my shoulders slumped, and the vents closed. The fusion cells powered down, all but one to keep me warm. I sat up there with my Death’s head mask off, looking into the windy night as the twin moons’ light reflected off the pristine snow for a solid hour before the pickup time. Relaxing as the rest of the universe ceased to exist for me.
///////Author’s note:
This was the first chapter where I had a semi-outline! Another worldbuilding chapter with a lot of different characters and places that come up later. I based the Gearschilde Community Center on Sikh Gurdwara langars (community kitchen), and the next Klein chapter will go a little more in-depth of their society. The reason I say Klein chapter is we are going back to Earth to see how Floofy childcare is doing, and some other rather grim circumstances.
Also, I didn’t have the skillset or the proper worldbuilding to show just how over the top Reqellia was in the original. The scenes have been playing in my head a lot the last week or two, and it felt really good to get them on paper.
submitted by Adventurous-Map-9400 to HFY [link] [comments]
This is a rewrite of my original story ‘Loyalist’.
Credit to u/bluefishcake for writing the original SSB story.
Pizzaulostin who has been beta reading since the beginning.
and u/BruhMomentGEE who has really helped with plot and dialogue.
Credit to u/HollowShel for getting me started with this!
This story is based in the SSB universe.
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as always, comments are welcome.
Chapter 22:
Klein:
The shadows grew longer while I looked out longingly at the passing city as I sat on the bus with Reqellia. There was still so much I wanted to do here. I studied every building, person, and vehicle, trying to commit every tantalizing opportunity to memory as they passed the window.I closed my eyes as I was momentarily blinded by the shimmer of a mirror reflecting the setting [sunlight] atop a Shil temple looked millennia out of current building codes. My vision cleared a instant later. The light blotted by a looming warehouse, the brilliant gold light replaced with the cold glint of a silver mirror surrounded by a star speckled field of black.
At the top of the entrance was an old Shil’vati, wrapped up mummy-like in a metal flecked black cloth holding an ancient flame taper to ignite the beacon inside a model lighthouse that stood at the bottom of the building’s stairs. The short stature and flat chest designated the priest as male. The whole setup looked so familiar, but what was it doing off a drama set?
He looked up straight at me, and smiled as if he could see right past the tinted windows. I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. I looked up at Reqellia and quietly asked, “what’s the temple with the mirror?”
Reqellia’s sour expression told me she spoke from ugly experience. “The order of Niosa, goddess of sea and space. Thought you would recognize it with all your cultural studies.”
I had, in a way. I could at least recognize the separate parts. Various supernatural and historical Shil dramas I watched had featured the priest’s clothing, the temple, and even the setting of the lighthouse, but I hadn’t put those together with the real-world religious iconography. “Not all of it.”
Reqellia turned her eyes down to look at me, punctuating her warning. “Be careful of the Shil’vati religious orders, especially Niosa’s, they have a bad habit of mistaking mysticism with reality.”
I nodded, but something about the scene still niggled at the back of my mind.
-----------------------
The streetlights were just coming on as we departed the bus in front of the Gearschilde community center. The building was surprisingly Shil stock standard, with the exception of the massive iron double doors inlaid with scenes depicting farms, industry, and community. They swung effortlessly in when I turned the long handle. Inside was a large arched hallway with a second set of double doors at the end. The shadowless warm lighting and earth tone walls made it cheery without the sterility found in most lobbies.
“Why a hallway for the entrance?” I wondered aloud.
A Gearschilde in simple workwear approached us with cybernetic eyes, skin inked with conductive tattoos acting as signal wires over her face that creeped down below her neckline. “It’s meant to resemble our old decontamination hallways. Welcome to my home, I am Provides Safety and Food. Reqellia! Should I have a night watch, or are you staying this time?”
“Night watch this time please, Provides. I need a bit of time to myself,” Reqellia said. I stopped taking in my surroundings to look curiously at Reqellia, then to Provides, what was the history here?
“Ah! No trouble, and who is this joining us tonight? Your rumored human son?” Provides asked ruefully, cybernetic eyes glinting.
Reqellia responded, and I realized it was the first time I heard any mirth in her voice since she picked me up today. “Yes, this is Klein, so don’t give him something I couldn’t handle!”
Provides Safety and Food made a mock bow, and replied with her own joke. “Of course, if only because I lack the imagination to come up with a task impossible for you.”
Reqellia momentarily smiled at the comment, her expression fell as she turned and knelt looking me in the eye. “Hey, are you still going to be ok without me here tonight?”
I cocked my head in a question, even though I felt just a tad apprehensive, I did my best not to show it. I was nearly an adult; I had been an adult. “I was living on my own for months, and Cee’s going to be here tonight?”
Why was this still hard?
“Yes, Cee will be here, and I will be back in the morning, but contact Ruhal or Siltan if you need anything,” Reqellia said as she stood up and walked out the door. I caught a look of guilt that transformed into something much sharper as she left.
Provides was already approaching me before I had a chance to think on the parting.
“Well Klein, we have plenty to get done before tonight. How are your cooking skills?” Provides asked. The thought of cooking made my fingers itch. Sitting and talking was all fun and good, but I hadn’t done anything all day, and it was making me antsy. I needed to be productive somehow.
I replied quickly, “I can cook! Lead the way!”
--------------------------------
The passage to the kitchen went through a small indoor plaza with a pollinating flower garden in the center. Provides opened another door and we walked through a pantry of neatly arranged shelves stacked high with foodstuffs. The smell of caramelizing vegetables came through an open door. On the other side was an industrial sized kitchen, and in the center, cleaning L’out root, was the strangest Helkam man I had ever seen.
The male had the gray skin and small scales on his upper arms that was indicative of his species, but the forearms were made of pearly white and fire-engine red painted material that was clearly synthetic. A soft blue glow emanated from a grated area around the wrist area.
“Provides, did you bring me an assistant? What’s your name?” The Helkam asked me, his ears flaring out by a few degrees in mild un-controlled surprise, probably at me being Human, revealing a series of Nighkru-like glowing tattoos on the webbing.
“Klein, a wonder to meet you [Mr.]…?” I used the common informal Gearschilde greeting, trailing my sentence into a question, offering a fist in the standard Shil style.
“Tinkers With Curiosity, may wonders never cease. Let me get you an apron!” Tinker said, tapping my fist with his own. The hard metal was cold to the touch. He also referred to himself with a Gearschilde name, not Helkam.
Provides gave a quick goodbye as she went about whatever task needed to be taken care of before tonight, whatever tonight was about. Tinker immediately put me to work cleaning raw ingredients and laying them out for baking, broiling, and rotisserie. Twenty-gallon pots of soup were being automatically stirred as I worked the auto-chopper and food processor.
Me and Tinker talked the entire time as we worked together. I found out that Tinker was the husband in a six-person marriage of “Xenochilde;” three Rakiri and three Helkam, including himself, who for one reason or another lived as Gearschilde, subscribing to their teachings. I took note it wasn’t an exclusive way of life though; Tinker still wore a pendant depicting the Helkam goddess of wanderings.
I found Tinker's path to being Xenoschilde started when he had lost both arms to frostbite on an ill-advised climbing trip on his home planet [Titan’s cloud] when he was around my age. The replacement arms with Imperium-provided free care were slow, clunky, and underpowered. Useless for anything other than basic housework.
Unable to afford higher tier prosthetics, much less custom regrown limbs unless he joined the military, Tinker went to the Gearschilde clinic the same day he left the Shil hospital hoping to score something cheap. Instead of having to go into debt to buy fully functional prosthetic arms, he was offered to learn how to remake his own for what amounted to errands so the craft-priest could spend time teaching. After a few weeks spending his days at the crafter’s house instead of looking for whatever low-pay work he could find to fund his own replacements, Tinker left his Imperium provided housing for the Gearschilde community centers, system hopping for years before settling down here.
Tinker shifted the story back to me after going on the rundown of his life while loading the oven full of soon to be baked goods for the third time tonight. “So, you had a date today with a Rakiri? How’d it go, and who are her packmates?”
I had watched plenty of Rakiri dramas, and something brought up, even for a first date, especially for the first date, was that Rakiri talked about their packmates with their boyfriend as a packaged deal. I had hoped it was just the shows speeding the plot along. Tinker’s question called up my own suspicions again.
“She didn’t mention any,” I replied and heard the crash of metal on metal as Tinker accidentally pinched his fingers while closing the person sized oven doors.
Tinker looked straight at me. Not registering what I knew had to be pain sensors in those hands going off, -almost- shouting, “NONE!?”
I rubbed the back of my neck self-consciously. “I think the human culture of monogamy might have made her hesitant to talk about potential Kho’.”
It was a lie, but I was playing to the Xenophilic Gearschilde mores that allowed for cultural concessions. Tinker dubiously nodded at me, forced to take at face value a rumored exotic human custom, and Itaro’s response to it. “I… I’m sure that’s it.”
“Is it that odd? Not talking about packmates I mean?” I asked after a while stewing on the words. too curious to stop myself now that I had a cover. I didn’t think about it during the date, but almost immediately afterwards I knew something had been missing from our conversations.
“Odd? It’s a flashing warning sign. Loners aren’t common, and they tend to be antisocial at best, or at worst, predatory. By the end of the first date with Ol’tasa, I at least knew her packmates’ names and quirks,” Tinker explained as we took a water break as the last batch of bread rose in the oven.
Had Itaro mentioned any friends? Were her sisters that much work that she never made any? I remember her talking about some classmates, but did she not have anyone close outside her family?
‘The eight-ball says doubtful,’ Squirrel brain commented.
Tinker quelled the subject as he turned off the oven with his now scuffed hand. “Well, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You said Reqellia has known Itaro since she was a pup, and I trust her judgment. Besides, it’s dinner time!”
I looked at the massive spread on the counters in warming trays. “What’s the occasion?”
Tinker laughed. “With the exception of being Mid-Shel night, none really. This is a Community Center after all. We are expected to care for anyone who passes through the hallway doors.”
“Does Community Center mean something different in the Gearschilde language?” I asked, still confused, if this was a hostel, a barracks, or just a co-op.
“Calling this the same as a Shil’vati community center is like calling an Imperial dreadnaught a spaceship, but let’s talk about it over a meal, I’m starved,” Tinker said as he walked over to a weird, shaped box next to the door, and pressed the first physical button I had seen off Earth, labeled request for non-emergency assistance, kitchen.
A three-tone bell sounded, and doors opened almost immediately. Provides came in and shepherded me to a set of mens communal showers since I was covered in sweat, flour, cooking oil…
And blood, once Tinker saw I could wield a knife he had me clean fish, and even trim Turox ribs. First time I deboned a raw fish with Reqellia a month and a half ago I nearly vomited, but now? I probably smelled like a soured Pipya with all the cooking scraps on me.
“Did you bring an extra set of clothes?” Provides asked as she tapped on an omni-pad, her eyes moved chameleon-like as she read, walked, and talked at the same time.
“Uh, no?” I answered.
Shit, did I forget something?
“No trouble, there’s basic clothing in assorted sizes and shapes at the entrance of the shower room. Let me know by Omni-pad when you are done if you want an escort back to the dining hall,” Provides said matter-of-factly before she left.
I grabbed a set of clean clothes in my size packed in a waterproof bag from the row of cubbies and walked to a shower head, shutting the curtains on the partition before kicking on the hot water and stripping. In high school this would have been terrifying, even with the partitions. Now, after the Rakiri gym? It was just normal to shower hearing the bustling and conversations of other people*.*
‘How did this become normal?’ Squirrel brain asked.
‘Because it’s my life now,’ I answered back mentally. Something about my answer felt incomplete, but my introspection was cut off by my growling and a sudden pang in my stomach. My body had just let me know it was running on empty.
I quickly finished washing off and put on the new clothes while putting my dirty nice clothes in a hamper bag, breaking ID chit in half to reclaim it in the morning. Messaging Provides as I stood in front of the shower room, hopping from one foot to the next to distract myself from hunger. Not wanting to waste time exploring.
Provides, as if by magic, arrived less than a minute after I called to escort me to the dining hall.
Thankfully Cee was already here when we arrived, sparing me the embarrassment of anticipating where I should sit. Next to her was a Gearschilde... child, with a crown of black feathers, and wearing a small cross body backpack with a thin cable snaking to a port on the back of their neck. As Cee waved the kid jumped out of their seat and beelined it towards me.
A mechanical arm extended out of the backpack, and curled into a half first twitchily, wobbling in midair. The child greeted excitedly “Hi! I’m Starts Forge Fires With Dad, or Firestarter for short, who are you!?”
I beamed back and lightly tapped her mechanical hand with my own. “I’m Klein, it’s nice to meet you. How do you know Cee?”
“She’s my grandmother! I’m here for the next few days since I’m going to have a {half sister} soon!” Firestarter exclaimed.
“Come back here, Firestarter. Dinner is coming out!” Cee called, and Firestarter twirled, running back to the table. A feather dropped away from her temple, gray at the roots.
‘That explains why they are all bald, if they need augments just to live past forty, how bad is pregnancy?’ Squirrel-brain muttered grimly.
My dark thoughts were again interrupted when I sat down and noticed two conveyor belts that went down the center and back to the kitchen started to move metal plate after metal plate of food I had help make stream out, each dish covered with a glass top with printed and raised lettering in easy to read blocky Trade Shil used in travel kiosks. I looked down to see placards with buttons, different languages and even what I assumed to be braille like dots and dashes. Along with silhouettes of different species.
It read: Use this translator for different dietary restrictions, pick only dishes that have your silhouette.
I grabbed the first plate with a Rakiri silhouette since Human weren't accounted for yet and opened it up. It was Jinkobeast dumplings in bone broth. I wasn’t talking again until I put the third platter back on the conveyor back to the kitchen to be cleaned. Tinker had sat down with us in the in-between time. Eating as ravenously as I was, I hardly noticed him.
I looked around then. The other guests were not what I was used to. Older Gearschilde sure, but Shil, Helkam, Senthe, Triki, Rakiri, Kortika, even a shark-like Edixi sat in the back, the tips of its fins and nose white with age, many wearing a Gearschilde-made workwear like I was.
“What kind of customers do you get here?” I asked, and Cee looked perplexed.
“Not customers, just people, and they come here for different reasons. Many of them needed refuge from the universe, a good meal, and medical care,” Cee explained, her eyes crinkling in a wistful smile.
“Doesn’t the Imperium provide that?” I quired quietly. It felt like a heavy subject, but I was curious, so I pressed on.
“Yes, if you are within the territories of your residency, and even then, what the Imperium provides might not be enough to sustain you,” Cee said, her voice dropping until it was a hushed whisper.
“Why not just change residency, or appeal for extra resources?” I asked. I was mostly sure of the answer, but I wanted to be certain.
“The Imperium, for all its support, is complicated, and getting those appeals heard can be difficult if you don’t have money or connections. We provide help where we can, like her.” Cee pointed to a Shil woman in business clothes wearing the Governess’s official badge, and talking to a Senthe woman who hid her face underneath a cloak.
“She is here to help many of our guests get back in the Shil’vati welfare system, anonymously, but it takes time,” Cee told me between mouthfuls of her own food.
The Senthe with the Shil official approached us. She moved her cloak away from her face just enough to see the poorly installed Shil’ prosthetic eye and angular face reconstruction. Her raspy, synthetic, voice croaked, “Could you take a look at me? After you eat of course, there’s no emergency, but my left eye won’t focus anymore.”
Cee finished her food and stood. “It’s no trouble. Firestarter, can you come with me? I think Grandad might have some new stories for you.”
“Ok!” Firestarter got down from her chair and followed out with Cee, munching on a cookie. I looked down to see another feather drop from her head.
“Is she going to be ok? What about her mother’s Kho{co-wife}?” I asked Tinker in a worried whisper.
Tinker finished eating before responding. “Firestarter’s crown feathers are rare to be born with, and it’s a good omen of health that she still has any left. As for her mother’s Kho, she’s in no trouble, but it’s easier to not have an (eight) year old still learning how to use her ‘training arm’ underfoot. Besides, she’s going to be coming here soon for youth meetings every week.”
What is this place exactly?”
Tinker paused and then spooled up the explanation he had probably given a hundred times before judging by the even cadence of his voice.“The Gearschilde name is more akin to a combination of ‘fortress’, ‘outpost’, ‘bomb shelter’ and ‘temple’. During the days before the Gearschilde Calamity, there were fortress outposts to house the convoys getting up to mountain cities with their raw ore to be smelted. Afterwards, they helped any traveler in need, and often became the nucleus of the present day Gearschilde cities. It’s a heart, a refuge, and a home, anywhere a Gearschilde lives now. Trade Shil doesn’t have the nuance, so it’s just called it a community center.”
Reqellia’s words about if I ever found myself in another system now rang in my head. That’s why she wanted me to learn about this place.
Still, I had more questions in need of answering. “What are youth meetings?” I asked.
Tinker flicked his eyes towards me, webbed ears flared out before vaguely explaining, “Just a place for those going through puberty to talk about what they are dealing with.”
A Rakiri woman sat down, her left ear twitching badly. “Dear, can you check this? It’s been acting up all day.”
Tinker kissed on the head what I now understood to be one of his wives, his hand split open to reveal articulated micro-tools. I ate dessert while Tinker answered my scant questions on what he was doing while his wife sung a few stanzas of a choir song every now and then to test her own hearing. I was glad to be quiet for a while. It gave me time to try and process everything that happened this week.
At the end of the night, Provides led me to the single men’s dorm rooms where I bedded down. It was barely the size of my closet at home, but it was cozy. I stared up at the slanted painted ceiling, wondering what Reqellia was up to tonight.
Reqellia:
“Oy! Deathlady! I heard I’d have a story to tell by the end of the night, so think of that as compensation for having a night run over the mountain range mid-Shel,” The pilot jokingly demanded in her heavy periphery accent as we raced through the dark sky. I already had my old armor and mask on.“That I can guarantee**,** Flyer. You know about what I am?” I asked as I stood alone, bracing myself in the middle of the shuttle’s troop compartment.
“Only that you are apparently very scary. Not that I can tell. You look only about the normal amount of {badass} for a Commando.” The pilot replied.
I felt my face split into a feral grin, the first hammer blow of emotion getting past my regulator chip since last time I asked for a ride from the base commander. “You know about the ‘Living Exo’ program?”
“Where that {fucked} up stiff that went to town slicing up Commando gals and putting all sorts of experimental tech into them? Oh, is it true you can’t have little ones now?”
“Yeah, it’s true. How about you crack open the cargo door? I need the fresh air,” I said, feeling each emotion of rage, guilt, pity, happiness, even joy, slam against the regulator chips controls like a hungry beast against a cage.
“Okay. Just let me know if you get cold. It’s way below freezing this high up,” The pilot said as I looked out the window, the stars obscured by clouds, and saw the door start to drop.
I let the panels in my back extend out, and started to power on my internal fusion cells. The whine of turbines kicking on in my chest as the heat started to billow out from me. “I might set fire to your crash couches if you don’t.”
The air rippled around me as the frost from outside met inferno heat I was putting out. My HUD built into my eyes showed that the cooling system that once housed half of my stomach spooled up to keep my blood from boiling.
I wanted out, I wanted to turn the damn chip off and let go. I wanted to be angry, and break things. “Ok, here’s the plan. When I say ‘go’ make a straight vertical climb, and when I say ‘cut’, turn off the troop gravity and level off after three seconds. You will pick me up at the top of the mountain in three hours.”
The radio went silent then finally in an awestruck voice, all lackadaisy rudeness gone. “Goddess’s shit and left tit, you’re Hele’s Spear! Yes ma’am!”
The shuttle banked up hard, I looked out the rear door, now facing the mountain range peaks head on, my feet still glued by the artificial gravity of the shuttle floor as we rose higher. “CUT!”
I let my knees buckle. I was pulled out of the shuttle like a falling corpse by the planet’s gravity. I mentally reached for the regulator chip that let me interact with the rest of society as a normal person, and I turned it off.
HATE, RAGE, ECSTASY, MELANCHOLY, JOY. I was laughing and crying at the same time as I plummeted without a jump jet or even a parachute, not that I needed it.
The relief was almost incapacitating as I watched the ground draw nearer, my internal inertial dampeners cut my velocity to a quarter of what it was. Thermocast-reinforced bones and synthetic joints took the rest of the impact as the ground broke underneath the soles of my flexi-fibers shoes.
I looked up the mountain that was mocking me. I bellowed. “You think you’re high and mighty? Let's see how you feel when I’m standing on top of you!”
I ran, the open exhaust vents on my arms, legs and down my back melting snow around me, I drank from the canteen on my hip to refuel the internal fusion generators that drew water from my blood, as they pulled off the hydrogen to fuse, the waste oxygen was dissolved directly back into my bloodstream.
I breathed out carbon dioxide, steam, and helium isotopes as I free climbed up the sheer mountain wall. My fingers, normally supple as real flesh, had with a mental command stiffened, hard as tool steel spikes that bit into the rockface.
The first time I had made this climb was with Justice For The Desecrated when he questioned me about what had happened while offering solace. Now as I crested the summit, I looked out at the mountains below me. My condition, ‘Hele’s Blessing(Curse)’,was now mostly spent. With the last of my raw feelings I screamed into the howling wind to let the universe know, again**, I had won.**
I had never lashed out at my husband or children. I was a caretaker, a homemaker, and a loving wife. Every explicit or implied comment and conversation my family had said about how violent I would be, how dangerous, now thrown right back in their face.
I would not be defined by a priestess who had sermonized that I would be, should be, nothing more than a weapon, the Empress’s tool of conquest. My mother, who looked at me so proudly in my youth’s special militia uniform for early commando training. To my father, who would never let himself be alone in the same room as me.
I was not a weapon, not a monster, not the bearer of a genetic heirloom.
I was a person.
The echoes of my roar came back in waves as I sat down on the snow, my shoulders slumped, and the vents closed. The fusion cells powered down, all but one to keep me warm. I sat up there with my Death’s head mask off, looking into the windy night as the twin moons’ light reflected off the pristine snow for a solid hour before the pickup time. Relaxing as the rest of the universe ceased to exist for me.
///////Author’s note:
This was the first chapter where I had a semi-outline! Another worldbuilding chapter with a lot of different characters and places that come up later. I based the Gearschilde Community Center on Sikh Gurdwara langars (community kitchen), and the next Klein chapter will go a little more in-depth of their society. The reason I say Klein chapter is we are going back to Earth to see how Floofy childcare is doing, and some other rather grim circumstances.
Also, I didn’t have the skillset or the proper worldbuilding to show just how over the top Reqellia was in the original. The scenes have been playing in my head a lot the last week or two, and it felt really good to get them on paper.
2023.06.19 17:01 Jared_Harbert Small Outdoor Kitchen Ideas with Roof: Creating an Outdoor Culinary Haven
 | Imagine basking in the warm sunshine, surrounded by nature's beauty, while indulging in mouthwatering dishes cooked in your own small outdoor kitchen. Outdoor kitchens have become increasingly popular, offering a delightful way to extend your living space and elevate your culinary experience. In this article, we will explore a range of small outdoor kitchen ideas with roofs that combine functionality, aesthetics, and a touch of creativity. From countertop options to covered designs, we will help you create the perfect outdoor oasis where you can cook, entertain, and enjoy the great outdoors. submitted by Jared_Harbert to u/Jared_Harbert [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/8l8oau6koz6b1.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=74e552d5cfbcd5848f738ca3d8ccf760577bd9c8 Benefits of Small Outdoor KitchensSmall outdoor kitchens offer several advantages, such as expanding your living space, increasing property value, and providing a versatile area for cooking and entertaining. By creating a well-designed outdoor kitchen, you can enjoy fresh air, reduce indoor cooking odors, and keep the heat out of your house during summer months.Choosing the Right Roof for Your Outdoor KitchenWhen considering a small outdoor kitchen with a roof, it is essential to select a suitable roofing material that offers both protection and aesthetic appeal. Some popular choices include pergolas, gazebos, and retractable awnings. These options provide shade, shelter from the elements, and an inviting ambiance.Countertop Ideas for Small Outdoor KitchensChoosing the right countertop material is crucial for durability and visual appeal. Options such as granite, concrete, and stainless steel are excellent choices for outdoor kitchens. They offer resilience against weather conditions while adding a touch of elegance to your cooking area.Creative Storage Solutions for Outdoor Cooking UtensilsEfficient storage is essential to keep your outdoor kitchen organized and functional. Incorporate cabinets, drawers, and shelves to store cooking utensils, plates, and other essentials. Opt for weather-resistant materials and consider built-in storage solutions to maximize your space.Enhancing Your Outdoor Kitchen with LightingProper lighting is vital for both practicality and ambiance in your outdoor kitchen. Incorporate a combination of task lighting, ambient lighting, and accent lighting to create a well-lit and inviting space. Solar-powered lights and LED fixtures are energy-efficient options that add charm to your outdoor kitchen.Cozy Seating and Dining Area DesignsTo make your outdoor kitchen a gathering place, design a comfortable seating and dining area. Utilize weather-resistant furniture, cozy cushions, and outdoor rugs to create a welcoming atmosphere. Consider versatile seating arrangements such as built-in benches, bar stools, or a dining table with chairs.Incorporating Appliances into Your Outdoor KitchenWhen designing your outdoor kitchen, select appliances that suit your cooking needs and space constraints. Popular choices include grills, smokers, refrigerators, and side burners. Opt for stainless steel appliances designed specifically for outdoor use, ensuring they are built to withstand the elements.Selecting the Perfect Grill for Your Cooking NeedsThe grill is the centerpiece of any outdoor kitchen. Choose a grill that suits your cooking style, whether it's a gas grill, charcoal grill, or a hybrid option. Consider factors like cooking area, heat distribution, and additional features such as rotisseries or sear stations.Stylish and Functional Outdoor SinksHaving an outdoor sink adds convenience and functionality to your outdoor kitchen. It allows you to wash utensils, prep ingredients, and keep the cooking area clean. Stainless steel sinks are a popular choice due to their durability and resistance to corrosion.Adding a Pizza Oven to Your Outdoor KitchenA pizza oven can take your outdoor cooking to the next level. Whether you prefer traditional wood-fired ovens or modern gas-powered ones, a pizza oven allows you to create delicious homemade pizzas with that perfect crispy crust. It can also serve as a versatile cooking tool for baking bread, roasting vegetables, and more.Designing a Bar Area for Outdoor EntertainingIf you love entertaining guests, consider incorporating a bar area into your outdoor kitchen. Install a bar counter with seating, a built-in beverage cooler, and storage for glassware and drinks. This addition provides a designated space for mixing cocktails and socializing while enjoying the outdoor atmosphere.Fire Features: Adding Warmth and AmbianceTo extend the usability of your outdoor kitchen beyond warm seasons, consider incorporating fire features such as fire pits, fireplaces, or portable heaters. These additions provide warmth, create a cozy ambiance, and allow you to enjoy your outdoor kitchen even during cooler evenings.Greenery and Landscaping for Outdoor Kitchen AreasIntegrating greenery and landscaping elements can enhance the aesthetics of your outdoor kitchen. Add plants, flowers, and herbs to create a fresh and vibrant atmosphere. Vertical gardens or hanging planters are excellent options for smaller spaces.Maintenance Tips for Your Small Outdoor KitchenTo ensure the longevity and functionality of your outdoor kitchen, regular maintenance is essential. Clean your countertops, appliances, and grills regularly. Protect your kitchen from the elements by covering it when not in use, and perform routine inspections to identify and address any potential issues promptly.ConclusionCreating a small outdoor kitchen with a roof opens up a world of possibilities for cooking, entertaining, and enjoying the outdoors. By incorporating the ideas mentioned in this article, you can design a functional and stylish space that meets your culinary needs. From choosing the right roof and countertops to selecting appliances and adding decorative elements, let your imagination run wild to create your dream outdoor kitchen.FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)1. How much does it cost to build a small outdoor kitchen with a roof?Building costs for outdoor kitchens vary depending on the size, materials used, and desired features. A simple outdoor kitchen can cost around $5,000, while more elaborate designs can range from $10,000 to $30,000 or more. 2. Can I install a small outdoor kitchen with a roof in a small backyard? Yes, you can create a small outdoor kitchen in a limited space. Optimize your layout, choose compact appliances, and utilize vertical space to make the most of your backyard. 3. Is it necessary to hire professionals to build an outdoor kitchen? While it's possible to build an outdoor kitchen as a DIY project, hiring professionals can ensure proper installation, electrical and plumbing work, and compliance with local building codes. Consulting experts can also provide valuable insights and help you make informed decisions. 4. How do I protect my outdoor kitchen from weather damage? Cover your outdoor kitchen when it's not in use to protect it from the elements. Consider using retractable awnings, pergolas, or dedicated covers specifically designed for outdoor kitchens. 5. Can I use my outdoor kitchen during colder seasons? With the addition of fire features, portable heaters, and proper insulation, you can extend the usability of your outdoor kitchen into colder seasons. However, ensure you take necessary precautions and follow safety guidelines when using heat sources in outdoor spaces. |
2023.06.10 07:39 squirellydansostrich An Unexpected Journey, or So Long and Thanks To All The Fish: The story of my first stage.
I wrote this in reply to someone asking about their first stage, but I kinda got into it. Hope you do too, chef.
My first stage, fresh out of cooking school (but with about 12 years of kitchen experience already under my belt) was under an accomplished master chef at a restaurant I would call home for a bit over five years. Usually they start their stages on GM, but for some reason, possibly my experience, he threw me onto Rotiss, the coal-powered grill station with a wood-burning rotisserie attached, both keeping the coals alive and cooking whole chickens and prime ribs above.
This night, I would be cooking in-house-cut ribeyes, striploins, lamb sirloins, flatirons, bison flanks, salmon, halibut, the occasional burger, grilled romaine, and naan bread on that grill, keeping the coals from getting too low (failing which would mean refilling during a rush, a big no-no when there's food on the grill because igniting coal crackles and spits black particles in all directions, including at the food) or too high, which would char the fucking lamb sirloins, ribeyes, and striploins, in the bad way, chef.
I later learned that I hadn't burned my body with fire until I burned it with coal, but I didn't know that yet, chef.
I started out confident in my skills, impressed that he expected I use the same 3-turn for grilling I learned about in school, dressing burgers and grilling lettuce for the 4:30 crowd, not yet paying full attention but still thinking everything was going great. First seating finally got its push, and I got a few flatirons and bison flanks on and off the grill, cooked properly, under the watchful eye of my shadow trainer, and even managed to hit my stride getting a couple naans up and out at the same time for firsts. Things were going well.
Then, tragedy struck. My trainer had to go offline to take off the rotisserie chickens, and I was on my own.
The first pickups for mains were fish. 1 salmon, 1 halibut. Oui. I knew enough, I thought, to be able to tell when fucking halibut was done without having cooked a dense fish like hali before. No, chef.
When one passes two items for the same table, they both have to be perfect, at the same time. It mattered not that the salmon was right, the halibut to go with it was only just rare in the middle, when he wanted it a touch past med rare, where the juices start to glisten and the fish changes from pale grey to warm pearl inside. His glare alone made me catch my breath, and I realized that I had been overconfident in my abilities, overzealous and way too fucking ambitious to cook fish on my own.
Remake. Heard. Fired. Sent. Next bill.
Striploins, one med rare, one medium. I had cooked steaks before, but, you know, the fuckinga restaurant name that ends in s ones that are all the exact same shape and density, their fat caps never even seen or heard of, never mind the varying marbling that comes from grass-fed beef from small-town Alberta ranchers. I pulled them from the cooler, seasoned and oiled them up, moved the coals over so they'd give a good sear, and got ready to fire. It was fine until the first turn of the steak. I'd looked at the bottom and the colour was looking good. I turned both, onto spots of similar heat, and turned around to build a set for some burgers that were close.
Now, I didn't mention yet that this was not only an open kitchen, but that rotiss station has barstools all around it, which on busy nights has 12 to 15 guests at all times. I looked up from my happy burger place to see the faces of my closest guests illuminate, as their eyes stretched to the ceiling. Fuck. Fire, I turned around and moved the strips off the hot spot, smelling their pungent, acrid odour and seeing dark, sour smoke marks along the fat caps which had rendered, in turn causing the coals to get even hotter and ignite the grill and the meat.
Embarrassed, I collected myself and told him, "refiring 22, chef" and I thought he was going to hit me. The whites of his eyes were all I could see in that moment, because if I met his gaze I felt I could melt. It felt safer returning to my grill and standing next to 1100 degrees of ignited coal than bearing the shame.
"Well, get it on, then."
"Yes chef, heard chef, firing now."
"You mean refiring now?"
The question, that awkward sense of seeming completely rhetorical, but also being somehow more, made my ears ring as though he had hit me. He was staring through me as though expecting an answer, but at the same time daring me to speak
"Yes chef." Was all I knew how to say. Steaks fired. Trainer still MIA, turned out he was firing more chickens for the rotiss, and I also now needed to build up the fire with birch so the birds could get a crispy skin, before reducing the temp with cherry wood. All while cooking this refire. Orders were now piling in, first seating was in full swing, and firsts from the early stages of second seating were starting to be taken, meaning I'd soon need more steaks on the grill so they could rest. I had to fight my senses now, leaving my strips just a little longer on the first turn, watching for flare-ups on the second. and by the time I had my med rare almost ready, I had the medium one off and resting. I pulled the med rare as well and chef came over, showed me how to rub them down both sides with cold butter to arrest the rushed cook. No compliment, no acknowledgement save a nod that I could go on next.
I got two more strips a bill or two after that, cooking them accurately but missing the rendering of the fat cap during the cook, where leaving them on their side to render properly would make overcooking inevitable, and I'll never forget this moment. He brought my trainer back on line to cover me, and called me back behind the rotiss.
"Do you have a fucking learning disability or something?"
"Yes chef, well, no, chef, but I might be a slow learner when it comes to this, chef."
"Get the fucking striploins into your seasoning pan immediately, so they warm up to room temp. Don't over-oil them, look at the side, what is that made of?"
"Fat, chef"
"Yes, fat. Do you know what each of these strips costs me? About what you make in an hour. Do you have four hours to pay me back?"
"No, chef."
"Then don't fucking burn any more."
"Yes, chef."
I got back out there, miserable and defeated. We finished service a touch over 450 covers, in a meat-heavy restaurant, my first service in the books. We flipped, stocked, and smoked, as is tradition. As I was wrapping my knife roll up and getting ready to wrap the station for the night, my trainer came over with a big piece of foccacia. He split it horizontally, dunked the pieces in the resting tray, and threw them down on the hot part of the grill to blacken and burn. He took them off and offered me one, and we munched, both staring into the black abyss of the rotisserie.
"I've been working for chef for years and I've never seen him cut someone up like that on his first day. He must really like you."
He gave me a knowing smile, because he already somehow fucking knew I'd be back.
"Good job tonight."
"Thanks, Mike."
And I would. Chef called me the next morning and asked if I would be interested in coming in to work dinner.
"Yes chef."
"Well, everybody around here usually comes in at least an hour early (unpaid, but that's another story), so I'll see you at 1:30."
"Yes chef, see you then."
It's been 25 years since I started cooking professionally. I worked my last day in a kitchen a couple months ago. I hated every fucking minute, but I have never found any other work that made me as satisfied and angry at the same time. Good riddance and best wishes, chef. And Mike? Thanks for showing me the real heart of the industry, you big fucking freight train of a man.
Bye, chef. See you tomorrow.
--Honestly, I'm turning this into a post on main becauseno one will ever see it here I'm vain and want someone to see my work, but thank you for inspiring me to write about my experience itsnotyourfault- I owe you a debt of gratitude.
TLDR: Don't be a dick, render those fat caps, and be kind to your brothers, chef.
submitted by squirellydansostrich to KitchenConfidential [link] [comments]
My first stage, fresh out of cooking school (but with about 12 years of kitchen experience already under my belt) was under an accomplished master chef at a restaurant I would call home for a bit over five years. Usually they start their stages on GM, but for some reason, possibly my experience, he threw me onto Rotiss, the coal-powered grill station with a wood-burning rotisserie attached, both keeping the coals alive and cooking whole chickens and prime ribs above.
This night, I would be cooking in-house-cut ribeyes, striploins, lamb sirloins, flatirons, bison flanks, salmon, halibut, the occasional burger, grilled romaine, and naan bread on that grill, keeping the coals from getting too low (failing which would mean refilling during a rush, a big no-no when there's food on the grill because igniting coal crackles and spits black particles in all directions, including at the food) or too high, which would char the fucking lamb sirloins, ribeyes, and striploins, in the bad way, chef.
I later learned that I hadn't burned my body with fire until I burned it with coal, but I didn't know that yet, chef.
I started out confident in my skills, impressed that he expected I use the same 3-turn for grilling I learned about in school, dressing burgers and grilling lettuce for the 4:30 crowd, not yet paying full attention but still thinking everything was going great. First seating finally got its push, and I got a few flatirons and bison flanks on and off the grill, cooked properly, under the watchful eye of my shadow trainer, and even managed to hit my stride getting a couple naans up and out at the same time for firsts. Things were going well.
Then, tragedy struck. My trainer had to go offline to take off the rotisserie chickens, and I was on my own.
The first pickups for mains were fish. 1 salmon, 1 halibut. Oui. I knew enough, I thought, to be able to tell when fucking halibut was done without having cooked a dense fish like hali before. No, chef.
When one passes two items for the same table, they both have to be perfect, at the same time. It mattered not that the salmon was right, the halibut to go with it was only just rare in the middle, when he wanted it a touch past med rare, where the juices start to glisten and the fish changes from pale grey to warm pearl inside. His glare alone made me catch my breath, and I realized that I had been overconfident in my abilities, overzealous and way too fucking ambitious to cook fish on my own.
Remake. Heard. Fired. Sent. Next bill.
Striploins, one med rare, one medium. I had cooked steaks before, but, you know, the fucking
Now, I didn't mention yet that this was not only an open kitchen, but that rotiss station has barstools all around it, which on busy nights has 12 to 15 guests at all times. I looked up from my happy burger place to see the faces of my closest guests illuminate, as their eyes stretched to the ceiling. Fuck. Fire, I turned around and moved the strips off the hot spot, smelling their pungent, acrid odour and seeing dark, sour smoke marks along the fat caps which had rendered, in turn causing the coals to get even hotter and ignite the grill and the meat.
Embarrassed, I collected myself and told him, "refiring 22, chef" and I thought he was going to hit me. The whites of his eyes were all I could see in that moment, because if I met his gaze I felt I could melt. It felt safer returning to my grill and standing next to 1100 degrees of ignited coal than bearing the shame.
"Well, get it on, then."
"Yes chef, heard chef, firing now."
"You mean refiring now?"
The question, that awkward sense of seeming completely rhetorical, but also being somehow more, made my ears ring as though he had hit me. He was staring through me as though expecting an answer, but at the same time daring me to speak
"Yes chef." Was all I knew how to say. Steaks fired. Trainer still MIA, turned out he was firing more chickens for the rotiss, and I also now needed to build up the fire with birch so the birds could get a crispy skin, before reducing the temp with cherry wood. All while cooking this refire. Orders were now piling in, first seating was in full swing, and firsts from the early stages of second seating were starting to be taken, meaning I'd soon need more steaks on the grill so they could rest. I had to fight my senses now, leaving my strips just a little longer on the first turn, watching for flare-ups on the second. and by the time I had my med rare almost ready, I had the medium one off and resting. I pulled the med rare as well and chef came over, showed me how to rub them down both sides with cold butter to arrest the rushed cook. No compliment, no acknowledgement save a nod that I could go on next.
I got two more strips a bill or two after that, cooking them accurately but missing the rendering of the fat cap during the cook, where leaving them on their side to render properly would make overcooking inevitable, and I'll never forget this moment. He brought my trainer back on line to cover me, and called me back behind the rotiss.
"Do you have a fucking learning disability or something?"
"Yes chef, well, no, chef, but I might be a slow learner when it comes to this, chef."
"Get the fucking striploins into your seasoning pan immediately, so they warm up to room temp. Don't over-oil them, look at the side, what is that made of?"
"Fat, chef"
"Yes, fat. Do you know what each of these strips costs me? About what you make in an hour. Do you have four hours to pay me back?"
"No, chef."
"Then don't fucking burn any more."
"Yes, chef."
I got back out there, miserable and defeated. We finished service a touch over 450 covers, in a meat-heavy restaurant, my first service in the books. We flipped, stocked, and smoked, as is tradition. As I was wrapping my knife roll up and getting ready to wrap the station for the night, my trainer came over with a big piece of foccacia. He split it horizontally, dunked the pieces in the resting tray, and threw them down on the hot part of the grill to blacken and burn. He took them off and offered me one, and we munched, both staring into the black abyss of the rotisserie.
"I've been working for chef for years and I've never seen him cut someone up like that on his first day. He must really like you."
He gave me a knowing smile, because he already somehow fucking knew I'd be back.
"Good job tonight."
"Thanks, Mike."
And I would. Chef called me the next morning and asked if I would be interested in coming in to work dinner.
"Yes chef."
"Well, everybody around here usually comes in at least an hour early (unpaid, but that's another story), so I'll see you at 1:30."
"Yes chef, see you then."
It's been 25 years since I started cooking professionally. I worked my last day in a kitchen a couple months ago. I hated every fucking minute, but I have never found any other work that made me as satisfied and angry at the same time. Good riddance and best wishes, chef. And Mike? Thanks for showing me the real heart of the industry, you big fucking freight train of a man.
Bye, chef. See you tomorrow.
--Honestly, I'm turning this into a post on main because
TLDR: Don't be a dick, render those fat caps, and be kind to your brothers, chef.
2023.06.03 02:12 Omansurver The second part of the fourth section of a certain super well-made-like-oh-my-god-this-is-so-good literary piece of media that was inspired by a animated piece of media, or the second part of the fourth chapter.
So yeah, second part. I forgot to say the page count last time of this chapter last time, so I'll say it now. Chapter four is about fifty pages long, so it fits the bill when it comes to these things. Not much else to say, so enjoy.
* * *
Jacob pondered.
On what exactly? Oh fine, I’ll tell you.
Jacob had just received what was, hopefully, a relatively unfiltered version of the recent events and situation on the planet. After about an hour of explanation, A had finished on the arrival of the disassembly drones, and the subsequent widespread assault on the worker drones. When Jacob had asked for the specific story of A’s squad, A had skirted around it, only lightly touching upon the subject. It was slightly suspicious, but Jacob didn’t plan on doing anything about it.
However, if it was the truth, it only raised more questions than answers. The fact that a company was willing to exterminate the entirety of what was probably a massive investment was just baffling. Jacob could only come up with two explanations, one of which was rather worrying to think about. The first was that of changing times; perhaps the company was so rich, and technology so advanced, that the worker drones could be replaced with the ease of buying another shipload of tissues. If you threw away an entire box of tissues, it would be annoying to say the least, but it wouldn’t cost a lot to just get another one.
But, it just didn’t make sense to Jacob that that would be the case. The United States military in the time of Jacob had heaps, thousands of missiles, and could afford to replace them as they were used. But if they all disappeared at once? It would take lots of time, money, and effort to replace each and every single last one of the lost payloads, and not to mention the logistical nightmare it would be.
So, that led Jacob to his other solution, one that insinuated a scenario far more confusing and sinister. If the company decided to just annihilate every worker drone, which is a very radical and illogical decision by a galaxy-spanning megacorporation, then it would line up with certain other decisions made by other people in the past.
During the Second World War, the U.S. government was fearful of a potential Japanese invasion. They believed that, if they did land boots on American soil, that the Japanese-Americans would rise up, taking the side of the invaders. And so, Roosevelt made the Executive Order 9066, ordering over one hundred and twenty thousand Japanese-Americans to be interned in concentration camps, where they would remain until near the end of the war.
This was an apt example for how even the most level-headed of individuals could make bad decisions under the influence of fear. If Jacob assumed that the same was true for this day and age, then perhaps the administration at the company had sent machines to kill the entire worker drone populace due some or maybe even all of them being much more dangerous than what was being let on. It was a bit far-fetched, but was the one of the only viable solutions at the moment, aside from his theory that nothing was real and they were all figments of the imagination of a being so complex they were nothing but fiction to it, but the chances of that were little to none.
Right?
Jacob’s pondering was interrupted by someone waving their hand in front of his face.
“Ugh, hello?” A snapped his fingers twice. “You there?”
Jacob blinked, refocusing on his present company. “Uh yeah, just processing.”
A scoffed. “Processing what? I thought humans were superior or something?”
Jacob smacked A’s hand out of his face. “Me too.”
A raised an LED eyebrow.
“Doesn’t matter.” Jacob waved hand in a dismissive way. “What now?”
“I dunno. That's all I had.” A shrugged.
“Nothing else you’re hiding?” Jacob questioned.
“No. There isn’t.” A glared at Jacob. “Now drop it.”
Jacob held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, jeez man, calm down. I just don’t wanna be bored for however long I’m stuck here.”
“Yeah well, that's not really my problem.” A stated.
Jacob didn’t reply, only sighing, before standing and getting up out of his seat.
A startled. “Wait, where are you going?”
“Out.” Jacob simply replied.
“Why?” A inquired.
Jacob shrugged. “Bored.”
A got to his feet as well. “Fine then. I guess I’m going as well.”
“You’re coming with?” Jacob asked incredulously.
“Yeah. I can’t have you running off and getting yourself killed.” A reasoned.
“They kept saying that too.” Jacob grumbled.
“Who said that?” A tilted his head.
“K and X.” Jacob answered. “Also, why don’t y’all have normal names? Why just letters?”
“I dunno.” A non-committedly replied.
“Huh.” Jacob took that as a cue to leave, turning to the ladder.
A followed closely behind, waiting until Jacob had gone through the small exit to ascend himself.
Jacob didn’t bother to use the ladder on the way down, buckling his knees and dropping the last few feet, hearing the snow crunch beneath him. He had been prepared to absorb the impact, but it seemed like whatever advanced mechanics his suit possessed had done the job all by itself, which was pretty nice. He made a mental note to test out the capabilities later on, just to get a general sense of the limits and what would be a danger to him.
Jacob heard a similar crunching noise behind him, causing him to look backwards, seeing A just awkwardly standing there.
“Just gonna follow me? Really?” Jacob was slightly annoyed.
“Yeah. I’ve gotta keep you safe until someone else takes you off my hands, or else I’ll-” A cut himself off.
Jacob took note of that, inferring what he might have been about to say. It only served to confirm his notion that he was sort of a VIP on the planet. He was to be protected at all costs, which was pretty nice for Jacob.
“So, you gonna do anything?” A asked.
* * *
The sound of snow crunching filled the empty room as the pair walked into it.
“Can we go back already?” X complained.
“No, and be quiet.” K scolded him. “It’s too echoey in this room, it’s annoying.”
X scoffed. “Pff, it’s fine. Nobody’s around for miles, we’re all good. Now when can we go back?”
K rolled her eyes. “We can go back when we find something, You heard what he said.”
“What who said?” X inquired.
“You idiot, our squad leader!? Our boss that we’ve spent who knows how long with!?” K cried out.
“Calm down, just messing around.” X leaned against the wall.
“Whatever, you know what A said. We can’t come back until we’ve found water.” K reminded X.
“Why do we even need it? I’m sure he’ll be fine.” X waved off the issue.
“He’ll die.” K deadpanned.
“He can walk it off.” X waved off the issue again.
“I don’t care, just get off the wall, we’ve gotta search every building.” K gestured for X to follow.
“How can we even find anything in here? Everywhere else we’ve checked has been empty.” X took his place next to K.
“You never know, now get to it.” K kicked over a rock, exposing a small marble.
X trotted over to a dented metal counter on one side of the room, peering underneath it.
“Nothing here, this is useless.” X whined.
“Shut up.” K called out.
X surprisingly obliged, kneeling down and searching the small cabinets that were connected to the counter. After finding nothing but a small skeleton huddled inside one of them, X sighed heavily, before making his way over to a large metal box. It might’ve been taller than him if it wasn’t tipped over on its side, with an assortment of power cords snaking out from an outlet on the back of it. Seeing a small handle on the front, X tugged on it, the slight rust giving way to superior strength.
However, X’s eyes went wide with shock, which changed to glee.
“Hey, look what I’ve found!” X called out to K.
K’s head whipped up, staring at the prize that X was brandishing. “You found- what is that?”
If the two had any idea what warm food was, they would’ve recognized the lumpy frozen good that X had in his hands as a perfectly preserved rotisserie chicken. If they had any sort of reheating device, and if they had proper taste buds, they might have been able to enjoy the sweet experience of a Thanksgiving dinner. However, they were ignorant robots who were about as smart as a middle schooler, so the only reaction that they, or at least one of them had, was confusion.
“I dunno, but it says chicken on the side!” X proudly exclaimed.
“What’s chicken?” K questioned.
“I’m . . . not sure . . . but I’m pretty sure it's food.” X’s LED eyebrows furrowed in thought.
“How do you know that?” K asked.
“Uh, I don't?” X seemed more confused than ecstatic now.
K shook her head. “Did you find anything useful?”
“Well I found this clear thing, but it only says something called ‘Dasani’ on the side.” X held up a clear plastic bottle, putting his finger in quotation marks when he said it.
“Give me that!” K dashed across the room, snatching the item out of X’s hands.
“Wha- hey!” X tried to grab at it, but K held it out of his reach.
“Back up!” K swatted X in the face, inciting a squawk of surprise.
“I found it first, give it back!” X shot back, tackling K, causing the bottle to roll across the ground.
The two began slugging at each other, scrabbling across the ground for dominance over a goddamn bottle, like a gang of the aforementioned middle schoolers. Nearly crushing the contested item multiple times, the two spent a good thirty seconds duking it out. And after K finally managed to curl into a ball around the bottle, X tried to no avail to recapture his former possession.
“You motherfu-” X was cut off by a noise from the door that led deeper into the building
The two highly professional disassembly drones shot to their feet, their gazes snapping to the origin of the sound. Standing there was a figure, about the same height as K and X, with familiar black plating and armor, kneeling down to grab a small blue marble that was on the floor. It appears as though the idiot had been trying to be sneaky to avoid capturing the attention of the killer robots, which clearly didn’t go as planned.
“Uh, hi.” The drone said after a moment of silence.
Even more silence.
The military drone took that as a cue to scoop up the marble, before dashing out of the room.
K and X instantly took chase, with K pocketing the small bottle for later. The military drone wasn’t quite fast, but it did make use of its head start well. The unnamed drone disappeared behind the corner, with the pair of disassembly drones right on his heels. However, when K turned around the edge, a bullet tore through the air, finding its home in her head. Completely unprepared, she fell to the ground.
X, contrary to what some might do, didn’t stop to assist her, instead just simply vaulting over her body, speeding onward. He was rapidly closing the distance between him and the military drone, when his prey suddenly whipped around with a pistol in its hand. X, unlike his comrade, was prepared for this inevitability, turning to the side and out of the path of the trio of bullets as they flew by him. X followed up on this by diving down onto the hapless drone, trying to skewer it on gleaming metal claws.
The drone didn’t have a chance to fight, but unknown to X, he did have time to press the small panic button on its jawline, or where the jawline would be if it was a human. If anyone on this planet was familiar with standard police or even military practice, they would recognize the small button as the useful yet annoying panic button.
For a bit of context, the panic button is usually represented as a small and easy-to-access device that, when activated, sends out an emergency distress signal that would notify the proper authorities of the panic button’s location and a dire situation. The panic button is common in the military, police personnel, elderly homes, schools, corporate buildings, apartment buildings, and basically everywhere else that isn’t a ghetto.
The drone, however, proved to be much smarter than his predecessors, much to the dismay of X. It dove to the side, dropping down and through a weakened rusty grate. As X’s claws scraped against the wall, the fleeing drone tossed a metal panel that was blocking the way out to his side, before dashing through the door. X jumped down to the lower floor, before continuing his chase.
A flurry of bullets ripped towards him, but X brought his arm up, letting his forearm absorb the projectiles that hit, and most missed. The drone ran down a comically long flight of stairs, taking three steps at a time. The stairs continued downward, eventually opening up to a basement with a gaping hole in the wall, which led straight into darkness. The drone nearly fell into the hole from the momentum of jumping down the stairs. But, it just managed to skid to a stop at the edge.
X landed at the foot of the stairs, crouching to absorb the impact. X’s gaze focused on the drone that was pointing the pistol at X, sights drawing a solid bead on his head. However, when it pulled the trigger, it was only met with a slight clicking sound. The drone gaze jerked down to the pistol, then straight back up to X, who was now diving towards it, claws outstretched.
The drone jumped backwards, losing his balance. Its foot slipped off the edge, and while the sudden space between it and X saved its life for the time being, it did have to contend with gravity, which was now pulling on the drone by a considerable amount.
X watched as the drone tumbled down the pit, hitting the sides. However, the sides of the pit were both sloped and slick with a thin sheet of ice, causing the drone to slide down to the bottom. The drone slammed against a large rusty metal pipe, which was a solid indicator of the pit’s identity as a sewer.
The drone scrambled to its feet, caving the skull in of a skeleton that appeared to have been a former inspector when one took into account the corpse’s clipboard and tattered clothes. X slammed down onto the large pipe, causing it to resonate like a gong. The drone snatched up a small length of rusty metal rebar that had impaled itself on the ground, the edge of the steel surprisingly sharp. The drone adopted a fighting stance, pointing the business end towards X.
The robotic predator didn’t care, however, just simply stabbing his prey with his own pointy stick, the sharp end of his nanite acid tail. The sharp tool stuck itself in the drone’s shoulder, causing it to drop the bar and curse. X took the opportunity to grip the drone by the head, while digging the claws of his other hand in its chest. X then looked into the opaque black visor of the military drone, before pulling in two opposite directions.
The effects were made known quickly, with the head of the military drone migrating away from its home connected to the body. Oil splashed down onto X, who took the opportunity to feed. X dropped the head, letting it hit the ground with a clang, dropping the body as well.
X stood over the fallen corpse, claws gleaming with oil. K landed next to him, retracting her wings.
“So you got it?” K asked.
“No I didn’t, he got away. This body right here is just a random pigeon, and you’re just hallucinating.” X replied sarcastically. “Also, how the hell did you get here so fast?”
K rolled her eyes. “Oh, be quiet. I’m just making sure, because knowing you, you would probably let him go for the funny.” She ignored his latter question.
“Well now that you mention it . . .” X looked sorrowfully at the body.
K punched him in the arm. “Whatever, we gotta go. I seriously doubt that he was alone-”
She was cut off yet again by a loud crash that originated from the hole up on the wall. The duo whipped around, only to see several guns pointed straight at them.
“Sup.” X nodded at the intruders.
* * *
The sound of conversation could be audibly heard from the lit tent.
The tent had been designated as the de facto headquarters for the former facility personnel, with a smaller offshoot serving as a meeting room for the leadership. The offshoot tent in question was currently being used for its purpose, with an emergency meeting being called. Not because of the discovery of a dead body, but for a different matter entirely.
“Can anyone at least tell me how this happened?” The Lead Engineer leaned on the table.
One of the data officers stepped forward. “We believe that when we were evacuating the facility, an error occurred that declassified the file.” They answered.
“An error did this.” The General wasn’t convinced.
“Well, yes. The computers had been degrading for a while now, and we had noticed that several of our autonomous programs were misbehaving, or just outright not working at all.” The data officer replied.
“And we did nothing about this?” The General glared at the trio of data officers that had joined them.
“We actually were doing all we could, but we didn’t have the materials to make a complete fix.” The Lead Engineer interjected.
“Why didn’t you tell me then!?” The General exclaimed.
“I did. You probably just forgot again.” The Lead Engineer suggested.
“What? I have the best memory here.” The General puffed out his chest proudly.
“Alright then, what were we just talking about?” The Lead Engineer inquired.
The General frowned. “We were talking?”
The Lead Engineer facepalmed. “Goddamn idiot.”
One of the data officers stepped up. “Uh, sir? There is still the matter of the ones who discovered the information.”
“Oh yeah, uh, dump them off the eastern bridge.” The Lead Engineer waved off the issue.
With a simple nod, the data officers left, accompanied by a few guards as well. The Lead Engineer sat back in his chair, before steepling his fingers on the desk. He looked back and forth between the assembled leadership, before the General spoke up.
“So, are we gonna continue or what?” He crossed his arms.
“Yes, sorry.” The Lead Engineer motioned to one of his ministers. “You take the lead, Kane.”
Kane got up, walking to the front of the tent, dragging a projector on a cart with him. When he arrived, he pulled down the white screen, securing the hook on a latch on the bottom. He then adjusted the cart, facing the lens towards the screen. He then attached a laptop to the projector, pressing a few buttons and fiddling with a few switches, cursing once. Finally, the projector flickered to life, shining an image onto the screen.
Kane cleared his throat. “Ahem, so. What you are seeing here is the first page of the document in question. As you can see here, it appears to be warning against a drone viewing whatever the contents of this file is.” Kane flicked to the next slide. “It continues to vehemently express this multiple times, not really differing in its warning at all.”
One of the military ministers, Alicia, raised her hand. “Uh, question?”
Kane paused. “What is it?”
“Its warning against drones? She asked.
“Yes, it is. I’ll explain this later on, so save your questions for the end please.” Kane looked back to the projection, skipping through the slides until he landed on the first one without a warning.
“Ah, here we go. So, as you can see here, this appears to be a logo for JCJenson-'' Kane was interrupted by a faint, “In Spaaaaacee!” from an unknown source. “Uh, anyway, as all of you know, JCJenson was the company that owned this planet, and the one that provided the drones that the government were using in their facility, which was us.” Kane flicked to the next slide.
“Here we can see a title for a project, along with several bits of accompanying information, like locations, associates, page number, references, you get the picture.” Kane then produced a long ruler from what seemed like thin air, before pointing the end at one of the words. “Pay attention to this one here ‘AbsoSolv’ as it’ll come up several times later on.” Going to the next slide, Kane cleared his throat yet again.
“This page is more confusing, as it appears to be mentioning several unit serial numbers that don’t match up with standard format, which are mixed in with several other ones that are in different format, like this one here,” Kane pointed his stick at a random one from the line. “This one says, S-010011X01, which I believe has a main identifying letter instead of a string of numbers based on time of construction.”
“Additionally, while some of these feature the normal serial numbers that worker drones use, they have another identifier after it, separated by a dash.” Kane flipped to the next slide.
“This one is more straightforward, as it appears to be featuring a set of technical designs of a modified worker drone with the serial number and other associated information listed at the top. The notes on the side are observations on the modifications that can be seen in the designs. Some of the original worker drone parts can be seen, but a majority of the inner and outer mass seem to have been altered or replaced with a substance that is described as ‘fleshy’. You can see at the very bottom a signature of an unknown human administrator, and a notice that marks the drone for ‘disassembly’ as an addendum can be seen that marks whatever this is as a failure, and a recommendation to request more data from their source.”
Kane took a breath, before going to the next slide. “This is essentially the same as the last one, and this continues for a few slides. Nothing of note can be found in them, save for a few different serial numbers that were listed in one of the prior slides.”
Kane flicked to the next slide. “This one has two addendums, which I will say in a moment. The image is different as well, with noticeably less random mutations and more of a form taking place. This one was supposedly much more successful than the others, and while it was still marked as a failure, the first addendum said that the team working on the project should strip the data from the drone in as best a condition as they could. The second one simply noted they were naming the specific strain of code they were using to ‘Absolute Solver’. The addendum does not mention any reason or motive behind the name, only noting the fact that their shareholders would be pleased.”
“The next one is the first apparent success in the line of experiments that JCJenson seemed to be doing. A single growth can be seen protruding from the back of the spinal transmitter, and several other growths have sprouted inside. However, it is noted that the drone survived the process, and remained somewhat coherent for a period of time afterwards, which seems to be an outlier when considering the others. There isn’t an addendum on this one, only a request from the team for more extensive data from their source to compare to this experiment.”
“This trend continues for a good while, so I’ll just summarize the important bits for all of you.” Kane stated. “Each version continued to show more and more productive attributes and traits, as is par the standard course. Throughout the notes, requests, and addendums, whoever was typing up the document repeatedly noted some things that I will review later, such as Absolute Solver, the ‘source’, Camp 98.7, Cabin Fever Labs, and disassembly drones.”
Kane flicked to the final slide. “This is the final page, with some items to note. It appears to be a reiteration of the specifics of the agreement between the government and JCJenson, with a few additional key things. It includes the standard formalities and the usual junk that we all know, but something else as well. When mentioning the exchange of data that came from the asset-” Kane paused as the room underwent an uncomfortable shuffle in their seats. “They mention a clear correlation between this project that JCJenson is, or was, working on, and the asset. They also instructed the government contacts that any unauthorized personnel, which included government agents, were now barred from entering Camp 98.7 due to ‘hazardous environmental conditions’ and that this was nonnegotiable.”
Kane turned away from the projector, clasping his hands in front of himself. “And now to explain.”
“From what me and the team I assigned could gather, we deduced the meanings and purposes behind several items that were mentioned in this file. The first and most obvious, the ‘source’ that is mentioned. They are receiving data from this source, which seems to be essential to the development of what they were working on. Based on their words, we figured that the source is likely the asset, and yes, the same asset that we are all familiar with.” Kane paused, seemingly to let his words sink in.
“Continuing on, we began to dissect what Camp 98.7 was. It was very clearly a location of sorts, but where it was and what it was used for was more complicated. While we never arrived at a solid conclusion, we believed that the most likely avenue was that Camp 98.7 might have been an outpost of sorts, perhaps used in conjunction with these Cabin Fever Labs.”
“On the matter of the Cabin Fever Labs, we can clearly assume that research and development of this Absolute Solver was being conducted there, and perhaps Camp 98.7 was a sort of staging ground or other type of location related to the lab. We believe that the location of one or both of these sites are hidden within another file.”
“And perhaps the most intriguing and complex matter of them all, Absolute Solver. We figured that it was likely that this Absolute Solver was instrumental in whatever experiments they were doing, or even being one of the subjects of the experiments themselves. From what we gather, Absolute Solver is something, maybe a piece of alien machinery, some sort of unknown lifeform, an experimental strain of cutting-edge code, one of those things, but whatever it is, it is not something that is ‘normal’. It appears to have a unique effect on those it hosts or comes into contact with, rapidly generating new organic material, with sometimes uncontrolled effects. While the file only shows the experiments that used drones, we don’t know if any humans or other organic lifeforms were included either. Likely not, considering the legality of the situation, but it's open to discussion.”
Kane took a large breath, before continuing.
“And finally, the disassembly drones. They seem simple, but my team believed it to be heavily related to our current situation. They aren’t mentioned very often, but they appear to be a direct result of their experiments or related to one. From what we could gather, they are meant to, well, disassemble. Drones on par with military-grade ones that are capable of a variety of things, like bullet fire, rocket launching, melee combat, flight, digital warfare, and regeneration.” Kane watched as his words dawned upon his audience, expressions filling with shock.
“Yes, those drones. The disassembly drones that we read about are likely some variant of the unknown assailants that attacked the facility, and stole the asset in the process.”
The General sputtered. “B-but that would be a severe political incident! If those drones were under the command of JCJenson, and they stole GOVERNMENT property, then they would be liable for retaliation!”
Kane tried to calm the room. “Now, hold on, I’m not done-”
The Lead Engineer also appeared to be shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier!?”
“You told me to wait for the meeting!” Kane exclaimed.
The room erupted into disarray.
“We need to mobilize, hunt down those damn traitors!”
“What's their last known location!?”
“Where is the nearest transmitter, send out a request for retaliatory action!”
Suddenly, a drone burst into the room, knocking over the projector cart in the process. Everyone turned to look at him, ceasing the chaos for a moment.
“Er, uh, sirs?” The drone asked.
“Yes?” The General and the Lead Engineer stood up at the same time.
“I, uh,” The drone looked back and forth between the two administrators. “Well, we received a panic signal from one of our scouts.”
The General scoffed. “Why would that be enough to warrant our intervention? He probably just tripped on a conveniently placed banana peel.”
The messenger fidgeted nervously. “Well, his partner reported moments before the signal came in that he heard gunshots.”
The administrative drones shared a collective uneasy look.
“What did you do?” The General asked slowly.
“The officers who received the signal first sent in two of the patrol squads that were nearby at the time.” The messenger answered.
The drones in assembly all either looked down in disappointment or facepalmed.
The General spoke up after a moment. “Send in a squad as fast as you can to their last known location. Only veterans, and outfit them with heavy weaponry and explosive ordnance.” The General paused, before adding an afterthought. “And give them some cutting equipment too.”
The messenger blinked in surprise. “Wait, sir, are you sure-”
“Just tell the officers already!” The General slammed his fist down onto the cheap plastic table, which formed a crack.
The messenger saluted quickly, before dashing out of the room.
The Lead Engineer took a cursory look at the assembled drones, before he sighed.
“We’re screwed.”
* * *
“Are you going back anytime soon?”
Jacob looked back at his unwanted companion.
“No.” He answered simply, before resuming his casual trot.
“We’re getting too far away from the spire, and the sun is coming up in an hour or two. I for one don’t want to get caught out.” A insisted.
“Well I don’t die from a bit of sunlight, so too bad.” Jacob stepped over a tire rim.
“I’m not sure that’s your choice.” A stated.
Jacob paused and looked backward. “Oh, so you’re bossing me around now?”
“Maybe, if you keep on making dumb decisions like this.” A stopped as well.
“Pff, I’ll be fine.” Jacob waved his hand in the air to emphasize his point.
“You won’t last ten minutes.” A dead-panned.
“Nah, I’ll speedrun this stuff, I’ll be off-planet in an hour.” Jacob proudly said.
A shook his head and sighed. “Whatever you say.”
Jacob didn’t answer.
Jacob then looked around. “Wait, where are we? I wasn’t keeping track.”
“And you said that you would- whatever, we’re like, three miles away from the base.” A replied.
“Huh, went that far?” Jacob asked.
A frowned. “Three miles isn’t that far-”
A was interrupted by a rather loud crack that resonated through the landscape.
Jacob blinked. “Uh, ok then-”
Jacob was also interrupted by a trio of cracks and bangs, sounding slightly familiar.
“Are those-” Jacob was, yet again, interrupted by even more bangs.
“-gunshots?” He finished.
“I wouldn’t worry, those idiots are probably either messing around, or they found a worker drone to kill.” A nonchalantly answered.
“Shouldn’t we go check it out though?” Jacob inquired.
“It isn’t a problem.” A said, annoyed.
“Well it would give me something to do.” Jacob insisted.
A checked the time, before looking at the horizon for signs of sunlight.
“Eh, fine. Wouldn’t hurt, I guess.” A shrugged.
“Nice.” Jacob grinned underneath his ballistic visor.
* * *
K sliced through the head of the last desperate drone, before spitting out a bullet.
“You done?” K called out to X.
“Yeah, I guess. By the way, do you still have my Dasani thing?” X looked at K hopefully.
“Yes, I do. And besides, it isn’t yours, it's for Jacob.” K answered.
“What? Why is he getting it? Why not me?” X exclaimed.
“Because it's water, idiot. An uncontaminated source, like A told us, remember?” K glared at X.
“I guess, but that's water?” X asked.
“Yes, it is. It matches the description.” K replied
“Description?” X questioned.
“Yeah, the description. You know what description means, right?” K seemed even more annoyed.
“I know what it means.” X snapped. “But how do you know what water looks like?”
K just shrugged, before turning towards the exit.
“Come on, we gotta get back soon.” She flew upwards, landing on the ledge.
X followed suit, tracing their steps back through the building. X looked back up at the rusty grate that the drone had fallen through, which he now identified as being part of a weirdly placed catwalk. Scanning the environment, X found that the only entrance to the small alcove would be the hole in the catwalk. The basement that the small room was connected to didn’t have an entrance either, only having the gaping hole in the side of the room, which likely wasn't intended. That would mean that a person would have to chop through the sewer wall to get into the basement and adjoining alcove, or jump off the catwalk. Both of those options didn’t make any sort of sense at all. In fact, the catwalk wasn’t even needed, someone could have just removed the entire basement-and-alcove plan entirely, which also removed the necessity for a catwalk. All in all, whoever designed the building was either high off of some crazy drugs, an idiot, or both.
But, none of these thoughts went through X’s head, as he was only thinking about the devastating loss of his cool plastic bottle.
K hefted herself up onto the rusty catwalk, with X following close behind. K went through the doorway, only for a rather eventful event to stop her momentarily.
A rocket screamed through the air, smacking K straight in the chest. The resulting explosion blew X backwards and K apart, with oil splashing onto the ground in the process. With a clatter, X hit the ground, slightly dazed. He looked to his left to see what looked like the arm of K, twitching slightly. X tried to get up, only to fall again, after he put his weight on a hand that wasn’t there.
X, seeing the failure of Operation: GTFU, adjusted his position so that he could get up with his other hand only, which was thankfully still there. Investigating his left arm, he could see that everything down from the elbow had been separated from himself in the blast. He didn’t have time to look for it or go get it, so he simply let the matter go.
Standing up, X stared through the smoke, before diving back down onto the ground when another rocket came streaking past him. It scratched his face, sending small sparks up, before heading down the other hallway. X pointed his own rocket launcher into the fog, before firing off a flurry of shots. He heard explosions, but wasn’t rewarded with screams or grunts of pain. Problematic, to say the least.
X took the opportunity to kick K’s assorted dismembered body parts down into the lower alcove, where she should eventually reassemble herself. She was really taking a beating recently, and she would probably be frustrated about that when X was all done, but that wasn’t his problem-
X nearly met the same fate as K when another rocket flew from the open doorway, the fog starting to clear up. X jumped up and over the RPG, letting it fly into the unexplored depths of the building. He couldn’t do this dance forever, so he made the executive decision to charge into the unknown.
* * *
Anyway, I'll be posting the next part tomorrow, so hang on tight for the singular person that made it to the end. No need to like, this is purely for my own benefit. See ya.
submitted by Omansurver to MurderDrones [link] [comments]
* * *
Jacob pondered.
On what exactly? Oh fine, I’ll tell you.
Jacob had just received what was, hopefully, a relatively unfiltered version of the recent events and situation on the planet. After about an hour of explanation, A had finished on the arrival of the disassembly drones, and the subsequent widespread assault on the worker drones. When Jacob had asked for the specific story of A’s squad, A had skirted around it, only lightly touching upon the subject. It was slightly suspicious, but Jacob didn’t plan on doing anything about it.
However, if it was the truth, it only raised more questions than answers. The fact that a company was willing to exterminate the entirety of what was probably a massive investment was just baffling. Jacob could only come up with two explanations, one of which was rather worrying to think about. The first was that of changing times; perhaps the company was so rich, and technology so advanced, that the worker drones could be replaced with the ease of buying another shipload of tissues. If you threw away an entire box of tissues, it would be annoying to say the least, but it wouldn’t cost a lot to just get another one.
But, it just didn’t make sense to Jacob that that would be the case. The United States military in the time of Jacob had heaps, thousands of missiles, and could afford to replace them as they were used. But if they all disappeared at once? It would take lots of time, money, and effort to replace each and every single last one of the lost payloads, and not to mention the logistical nightmare it would be.
So, that led Jacob to his other solution, one that insinuated a scenario far more confusing and sinister. If the company decided to just annihilate every worker drone, which is a very radical and illogical decision by a galaxy-spanning megacorporation, then it would line up with certain other decisions made by other people in the past.
During the Second World War, the U.S. government was fearful of a potential Japanese invasion. They believed that, if they did land boots on American soil, that the Japanese-Americans would rise up, taking the side of the invaders. And so, Roosevelt made the Executive Order 9066, ordering over one hundred and twenty thousand Japanese-Americans to be interned in concentration camps, where they would remain until near the end of the war.
This was an apt example for how even the most level-headed of individuals could make bad decisions under the influence of fear. If Jacob assumed that the same was true for this day and age, then perhaps the administration at the company had sent machines to kill the entire worker drone populace due some or maybe even all of them being much more dangerous than what was being let on. It was a bit far-fetched, but was the one of the only viable solutions at the moment, aside from his theory that nothing was real and they were all figments of the imagination of a being so complex they were nothing but fiction to it, but the chances of that were little to none.
Right?
Jacob’s pondering was interrupted by someone waving their hand in front of his face.
“Ugh, hello?” A snapped his fingers twice. “You there?”
Jacob blinked, refocusing on his present company. “Uh yeah, just processing.”
A scoffed. “Processing what? I thought humans were superior or something?”
Jacob smacked A’s hand out of his face. “Me too.”
A raised an LED eyebrow.
“Doesn’t matter.” Jacob waved hand in a dismissive way. “What now?”
“I dunno. That's all I had.” A shrugged.
“Nothing else you’re hiding?” Jacob questioned.
“No. There isn’t.” A glared at Jacob. “Now drop it.”
Jacob held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, jeez man, calm down. I just don’t wanna be bored for however long I’m stuck here.”
“Yeah well, that's not really my problem.” A stated.
Jacob didn’t reply, only sighing, before standing and getting up out of his seat.
A startled. “Wait, where are you going?”
“Out.” Jacob simply replied.
“Why?” A inquired.
Jacob shrugged. “Bored.”
A got to his feet as well. “Fine then. I guess I’m going as well.”
“You’re coming with?” Jacob asked incredulously.
“Yeah. I can’t have you running off and getting yourself killed.” A reasoned.
“They kept saying that too.” Jacob grumbled.
“Who said that?” A tilted his head.
“K and X.” Jacob answered. “Also, why don’t y’all have normal names? Why just letters?”
“I dunno.” A non-committedly replied.
“Huh.” Jacob took that as a cue to leave, turning to the ladder.
A followed closely behind, waiting until Jacob had gone through the small exit to ascend himself.
Jacob didn’t bother to use the ladder on the way down, buckling his knees and dropping the last few feet, hearing the snow crunch beneath him. He had been prepared to absorb the impact, but it seemed like whatever advanced mechanics his suit possessed had done the job all by itself, which was pretty nice. He made a mental note to test out the capabilities later on, just to get a general sense of the limits and what would be a danger to him.
Jacob heard a similar crunching noise behind him, causing him to look backwards, seeing A just awkwardly standing there.
“Just gonna follow me? Really?” Jacob was slightly annoyed.
“Yeah. I’ve gotta keep you safe until someone else takes you off my hands, or else I’ll-” A cut himself off.
Jacob took note of that, inferring what he might have been about to say. It only served to confirm his notion that he was sort of a VIP on the planet. He was to be protected at all costs, which was pretty nice for Jacob.
“So, you gonna do anything?” A asked.
* * *
The sound of snow crunching filled the empty room as the pair walked into it.
“Can we go back already?” X complained.
“No, and be quiet.” K scolded him. “It’s too echoey in this room, it’s annoying.”
X scoffed. “Pff, it’s fine. Nobody’s around for miles, we’re all good. Now when can we go back?”
K rolled her eyes. “We can go back when we find something, You heard what he said.”
“What who said?” X inquired.
“You idiot, our squad leader!? Our boss that we’ve spent who knows how long with!?” K cried out.
“Calm down, just messing around.” X leaned against the wall.
“Whatever, you know what A said. We can’t come back until we’ve found water.” K reminded X.
“Why do we even need it? I’m sure he’ll be fine.” X waved off the issue.
“He’ll die.” K deadpanned.
“He can walk it off.” X waved off the issue again.
“I don’t care, just get off the wall, we’ve gotta search every building.” K gestured for X to follow.
“How can we even find anything in here? Everywhere else we’ve checked has been empty.” X took his place next to K.
“You never know, now get to it.” K kicked over a rock, exposing a small marble.
X trotted over to a dented metal counter on one side of the room, peering underneath it.
“Nothing here, this is useless.” X whined.
“Shut up.” K called out.
X surprisingly obliged, kneeling down and searching the small cabinets that were connected to the counter. After finding nothing but a small skeleton huddled inside one of them, X sighed heavily, before making his way over to a large metal box. It might’ve been taller than him if it wasn’t tipped over on its side, with an assortment of power cords snaking out from an outlet on the back of it. Seeing a small handle on the front, X tugged on it, the slight rust giving way to superior strength.
However, X’s eyes went wide with shock, which changed to glee.
“Hey, look what I’ve found!” X called out to K.
K’s head whipped up, staring at the prize that X was brandishing. “You found- what is that?”
If the two had any idea what warm food was, they would’ve recognized the lumpy frozen good that X had in his hands as a perfectly preserved rotisserie chicken. If they had any sort of reheating device, and if they had proper taste buds, they might have been able to enjoy the sweet experience of a Thanksgiving dinner. However, they were ignorant robots who were about as smart as a middle schooler, so the only reaction that they, or at least one of them had, was confusion.
“I dunno, but it says chicken on the side!” X proudly exclaimed.
“What’s chicken?” K questioned.
“I’m . . . not sure . . . but I’m pretty sure it's food.” X’s LED eyebrows furrowed in thought.
“How do you know that?” K asked.
“Uh, I don't?” X seemed more confused than ecstatic now.
K shook her head. “Did you find anything useful?”
“Well I found this clear thing, but it only says something called ‘Dasani’ on the side.” X held up a clear plastic bottle, putting his finger in quotation marks when he said it.
“Give me that!” K dashed across the room, snatching the item out of X’s hands.
“Wha- hey!” X tried to grab at it, but K held it out of his reach.
“Back up!” K swatted X in the face, inciting a squawk of surprise.
“I found it first, give it back!” X shot back, tackling K, causing the bottle to roll across the ground.
The two began slugging at each other, scrabbling across the ground for dominance over a goddamn bottle, like a gang of the aforementioned middle schoolers. Nearly crushing the contested item multiple times, the two spent a good thirty seconds duking it out. And after K finally managed to curl into a ball around the bottle, X tried to no avail to recapture his former possession.
“You motherfu-” X was cut off by a noise from the door that led deeper into the building
The two highly professional disassembly drones shot to their feet, their gazes snapping to the origin of the sound. Standing there was a figure, about the same height as K and X, with familiar black plating and armor, kneeling down to grab a small blue marble that was on the floor. It appears as though the idiot had been trying to be sneaky to avoid capturing the attention of the killer robots, which clearly didn’t go as planned.
“Uh, hi.” The drone said after a moment of silence.
Even more silence.
The military drone took that as a cue to scoop up the marble, before dashing out of the room.
K and X instantly took chase, with K pocketing the small bottle for later. The military drone wasn’t quite fast, but it did make use of its head start well. The unnamed drone disappeared behind the corner, with the pair of disassembly drones right on his heels. However, when K turned around the edge, a bullet tore through the air, finding its home in her head. Completely unprepared, she fell to the ground.
X, contrary to what some might do, didn’t stop to assist her, instead just simply vaulting over her body, speeding onward. He was rapidly closing the distance between him and the military drone, when his prey suddenly whipped around with a pistol in its hand. X, unlike his comrade, was prepared for this inevitability, turning to the side and out of the path of the trio of bullets as they flew by him. X followed up on this by diving down onto the hapless drone, trying to skewer it on gleaming metal claws.
The drone didn’t have a chance to fight, but unknown to X, he did have time to press the small panic button on its jawline, or where the jawline would be if it was a human. If anyone on this planet was familiar with standard police or even military practice, they would recognize the small button as the useful yet annoying panic button.
For a bit of context, the panic button is usually represented as a small and easy-to-access device that, when activated, sends out an emergency distress signal that would notify the proper authorities of the panic button’s location and a dire situation. The panic button is common in the military, police personnel, elderly homes, schools, corporate buildings, apartment buildings, and basically everywhere else that isn’t a ghetto.
The drone, however, proved to be much smarter than his predecessors, much to the dismay of X. It dove to the side, dropping down and through a weakened rusty grate. As X’s claws scraped against the wall, the fleeing drone tossed a metal panel that was blocking the way out to his side, before dashing through the door. X jumped down to the lower floor, before continuing his chase.
A flurry of bullets ripped towards him, but X brought his arm up, letting his forearm absorb the projectiles that hit, and most missed. The drone ran down a comically long flight of stairs, taking three steps at a time. The stairs continued downward, eventually opening up to a basement with a gaping hole in the wall, which led straight into darkness. The drone nearly fell into the hole from the momentum of jumping down the stairs. But, it just managed to skid to a stop at the edge.
X landed at the foot of the stairs, crouching to absorb the impact. X’s gaze focused on the drone that was pointing the pistol at X, sights drawing a solid bead on his head. However, when it pulled the trigger, it was only met with a slight clicking sound. The drone gaze jerked down to the pistol, then straight back up to X, who was now diving towards it, claws outstretched.
The drone jumped backwards, losing his balance. Its foot slipped off the edge, and while the sudden space between it and X saved its life for the time being, it did have to contend with gravity, which was now pulling on the drone by a considerable amount.
X watched as the drone tumbled down the pit, hitting the sides. However, the sides of the pit were both sloped and slick with a thin sheet of ice, causing the drone to slide down to the bottom. The drone slammed against a large rusty metal pipe, which was a solid indicator of the pit’s identity as a sewer.
The drone scrambled to its feet, caving the skull in of a skeleton that appeared to have been a former inspector when one took into account the corpse’s clipboard and tattered clothes. X slammed down onto the large pipe, causing it to resonate like a gong. The drone snatched up a small length of rusty metal rebar that had impaled itself on the ground, the edge of the steel surprisingly sharp. The drone adopted a fighting stance, pointing the business end towards X.
The robotic predator didn’t care, however, just simply stabbing his prey with his own pointy stick, the sharp end of his nanite acid tail. The sharp tool stuck itself in the drone’s shoulder, causing it to drop the bar and curse. X took the opportunity to grip the drone by the head, while digging the claws of his other hand in its chest. X then looked into the opaque black visor of the military drone, before pulling in two opposite directions.
The effects were made known quickly, with the head of the military drone migrating away from its home connected to the body. Oil splashed down onto X, who took the opportunity to feed. X dropped the head, letting it hit the ground with a clang, dropping the body as well.
X stood over the fallen corpse, claws gleaming with oil. K landed next to him, retracting her wings.
“So you got it?” K asked.
“No I didn’t, he got away. This body right here is just a random pigeon, and you’re just hallucinating.” X replied sarcastically. “Also, how the hell did you get here so fast?”
K rolled her eyes. “Oh, be quiet. I’m just making sure, because knowing you, you would probably let him go for the funny.” She ignored his latter question.
“Well now that you mention it . . .” X looked sorrowfully at the body.
K punched him in the arm. “Whatever, we gotta go. I seriously doubt that he was alone-”
She was cut off yet again by a loud crash that originated from the hole up on the wall. The duo whipped around, only to see several guns pointed straight at them.
“Sup.” X nodded at the intruders.
* * *
The sound of conversation could be audibly heard from the lit tent.
The tent had been designated as the de facto headquarters for the former facility personnel, with a smaller offshoot serving as a meeting room for the leadership. The offshoot tent in question was currently being used for its purpose, with an emergency meeting being called. Not because of the discovery of a dead body, but for a different matter entirely.
“Can anyone at least tell me how this happened?” The Lead Engineer leaned on the table.
One of the data officers stepped forward. “We believe that when we were evacuating the facility, an error occurred that declassified the file.” They answered.
“An error did this.” The General wasn’t convinced.
“Well, yes. The computers had been degrading for a while now, and we had noticed that several of our autonomous programs were misbehaving, or just outright not working at all.” The data officer replied.
“And we did nothing about this?” The General glared at the trio of data officers that had joined them.
“We actually were doing all we could, but we didn’t have the materials to make a complete fix.” The Lead Engineer interjected.
“Why didn’t you tell me then!?” The General exclaimed.
“I did. You probably just forgot again.” The Lead Engineer suggested.
“What? I have the best memory here.” The General puffed out his chest proudly.
“Alright then, what were we just talking about?” The Lead Engineer inquired.
The General frowned. “We were talking?”
The Lead Engineer facepalmed. “Goddamn idiot.”
One of the data officers stepped up. “Uh, sir? There is still the matter of the ones who discovered the information.”
“Oh yeah, uh, dump them off the eastern bridge.” The Lead Engineer waved off the issue.
With a simple nod, the data officers left, accompanied by a few guards as well. The Lead Engineer sat back in his chair, before steepling his fingers on the desk. He looked back and forth between the assembled leadership, before the General spoke up.
“So, are we gonna continue or what?” He crossed his arms.
“Yes, sorry.” The Lead Engineer motioned to one of his ministers. “You take the lead, Kane.”
Kane got up, walking to the front of the tent, dragging a projector on a cart with him. When he arrived, he pulled down the white screen, securing the hook on a latch on the bottom. He then adjusted the cart, facing the lens towards the screen. He then attached a laptop to the projector, pressing a few buttons and fiddling with a few switches, cursing once. Finally, the projector flickered to life, shining an image onto the screen.
Kane cleared his throat. “Ahem, so. What you are seeing here is the first page of the document in question. As you can see here, it appears to be warning against a drone viewing whatever the contents of this file is.” Kane flicked to the next slide. “It continues to vehemently express this multiple times, not really differing in its warning at all.”
One of the military ministers, Alicia, raised her hand. “Uh, question?”
Kane paused. “What is it?”
“Its warning against drones? She asked.
“Yes, it is. I’ll explain this later on, so save your questions for the end please.” Kane looked back to the projection, skipping through the slides until he landed on the first one without a warning.
“Ah, here we go. So, as you can see here, this appears to be a logo for JCJenson-'' Kane was interrupted by a faint, “In Spaaaaacee!” from an unknown source. “Uh, anyway, as all of you know, JCJenson was the company that owned this planet, and the one that provided the drones that the government were using in their facility, which was us.” Kane flicked to the next slide.
“Here we can see a title for a project, along with several bits of accompanying information, like locations, associates, page number, references, you get the picture.” Kane then produced a long ruler from what seemed like thin air, before pointing the end at one of the words. “Pay attention to this one here ‘AbsoSolv’ as it’ll come up several times later on.” Going to the next slide, Kane cleared his throat yet again.
“This page is more confusing, as it appears to be mentioning several unit serial numbers that don’t match up with standard format, which are mixed in with several other ones that are in different format, like this one here,” Kane pointed his stick at a random one from the line. “This one says, S-010011X01, which I believe has a main identifying letter instead of a string of numbers based on time of construction.”
“Additionally, while some of these feature the normal serial numbers that worker drones use, they have another identifier after it, separated by a dash.” Kane flipped to the next slide.
“This one is more straightforward, as it appears to be featuring a set of technical designs of a modified worker drone with the serial number and other associated information listed at the top. The notes on the side are observations on the modifications that can be seen in the designs. Some of the original worker drone parts can be seen, but a majority of the inner and outer mass seem to have been altered or replaced with a substance that is described as ‘fleshy’. You can see at the very bottom a signature of an unknown human administrator, and a notice that marks the drone for ‘disassembly’ as an addendum can be seen that marks whatever this is as a failure, and a recommendation to request more data from their source.”
Kane took a breath, before going to the next slide. “This is essentially the same as the last one, and this continues for a few slides. Nothing of note can be found in them, save for a few different serial numbers that were listed in one of the prior slides.”
Kane flicked to the next slide. “This one has two addendums, which I will say in a moment. The image is different as well, with noticeably less random mutations and more of a form taking place. This one was supposedly much more successful than the others, and while it was still marked as a failure, the first addendum said that the team working on the project should strip the data from the drone in as best a condition as they could. The second one simply noted they were naming the specific strain of code they were using to ‘Absolute Solver’. The addendum does not mention any reason or motive behind the name, only noting the fact that their shareholders would be pleased.”
“The next one is the first apparent success in the line of experiments that JCJenson seemed to be doing. A single growth can be seen protruding from the back of the spinal transmitter, and several other growths have sprouted inside. However, it is noted that the drone survived the process, and remained somewhat coherent for a period of time afterwards, which seems to be an outlier when considering the others. There isn’t an addendum on this one, only a request from the team for more extensive data from their source to compare to this experiment.”
“This trend continues for a good while, so I’ll just summarize the important bits for all of you.” Kane stated. “Each version continued to show more and more productive attributes and traits, as is par the standard course. Throughout the notes, requests, and addendums, whoever was typing up the document repeatedly noted some things that I will review later, such as Absolute Solver, the ‘source’, Camp 98.7, Cabin Fever Labs, and disassembly drones.”
Kane flicked to the final slide. “This is the final page, with some items to note. It appears to be a reiteration of the specifics of the agreement between the government and JCJenson, with a few additional key things. It includes the standard formalities and the usual junk that we all know, but something else as well. When mentioning the exchange of data that came from the asset-” Kane paused as the room underwent an uncomfortable shuffle in their seats. “They mention a clear correlation between this project that JCJenson is, or was, working on, and the asset. They also instructed the government contacts that any unauthorized personnel, which included government agents, were now barred from entering Camp 98.7 due to ‘hazardous environmental conditions’ and that this was nonnegotiable.”
Kane turned away from the projector, clasping his hands in front of himself. “And now to explain.”
“From what me and the team I assigned could gather, we deduced the meanings and purposes behind several items that were mentioned in this file. The first and most obvious, the ‘source’ that is mentioned. They are receiving data from this source, which seems to be essential to the development of what they were working on. Based on their words, we figured that the source is likely the asset, and yes, the same asset that we are all familiar with.” Kane paused, seemingly to let his words sink in.
“Continuing on, we began to dissect what Camp 98.7 was. It was very clearly a location of sorts, but where it was and what it was used for was more complicated. While we never arrived at a solid conclusion, we believed that the most likely avenue was that Camp 98.7 might have been an outpost of sorts, perhaps used in conjunction with these Cabin Fever Labs.”
“On the matter of the Cabin Fever Labs, we can clearly assume that research and development of this Absolute Solver was being conducted there, and perhaps Camp 98.7 was a sort of staging ground or other type of location related to the lab. We believe that the location of one or both of these sites are hidden within another file.”
“And perhaps the most intriguing and complex matter of them all, Absolute Solver. We figured that it was likely that this Absolute Solver was instrumental in whatever experiments they were doing, or even being one of the subjects of the experiments themselves. From what we gather, Absolute Solver is something, maybe a piece of alien machinery, some sort of unknown lifeform, an experimental strain of cutting-edge code, one of those things, but whatever it is, it is not something that is ‘normal’. It appears to have a unique effect on those it hosts or comes into contact with, rapidly generating new organic material, with sometimes uncontrolled effects. While the file only shows the experiments that used drones, we don’t know if any humans or other organic lifeforms were included either. Likely not, considering the legality of the situation, but it's open to discussion.”
Kane took a large breath, before continuing.
“And finally, the disassembly drones. They seem simple, but my team believed it to be heavily related to our current situation. They aren’t mentioned very often, but they appear to be a direct result of their experiments or related to one. From what we could gather, they are meant to, well, disassemble. Drones on par with military-grade ones that are capable of a variety of things, like bullet fire, rocket launching, melee combat, flight, digital warfare, and regeneration.” Kane watched as his words dawned upon his audience, expressions filling with shock.
“Yes, those drones. The disassembly drones that we read about are likely some variant of the unknown assailants that attacked the facility, and stole the asset in the process.”
The General sputtered. “B-but that would be a severe political incident! If those drones were under the command of JCJenson, and they stole GOVERNMENT property, then they would be liable for retaliation!”
Kane tried to calm the room. “Now, hold on, I’m not done-”
The Lead Engineer also appeared to be shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier!?”
“You told me to wait for the meeting!” Kane exclaimed.
The room erupted into disarray.
“We need to mobilize, hunt down those damn traitors!”
“What's their last known location!?”
“Where is the nearest transmitter, send out a request for retaliatory action!”
Suddenly, a drone burst into the room, knocking over the projector cart in the process. Everyone turned to look at him, ceasing the chaos for a moment.
“Er, uh, sirs?” The drone asked.
“Yes?” The General and the Lead Engineer stood up at the same time.
“I, uh,” The drone looked back and forth between the two administrators. “Well, we received a panic signal from one of our scouts.”
The General scoffed. “Why would that be enough to warrant our intervention? He probably just tripped on a conveniently placed banana peel.”
The messenger fidgeted nervously. “Well, his partner reported moments before the signal came in that he heard gunshots.”
The administrative drones shared a collective uneasy look.
“What did you do?” The General asked slowly.
“The officers who received the signal first sent in two of the patrol squads that were nearby at the time.” The messenger answered.
The drones in assembly all either looked down in disappointment or facepalmed.
The General spoke up after a moment. “Send in a squad as fast as you can to their last known location. Only veterans, and outfit them with heavy weaponry and explosive ordnance.” The General paused, before adding an afterthought. “And give them some cutting equipment too.”
The messenger blinked in surprise. “Wait, sir, are you sure-”
“Just tell the officers already!” The General slammed his fist down onto the cheap plastic table, which formed a crack.
The messenger saluted quickly, before dashing out of the room.
The Lead Engineer took a cursory look at the assembled drones, before he sighed.
“We’re screwed.”
* * *
“Are you going back anytime soon?”
Jacob looked back at his unwanted companion.
“No.” He answered simply, before resuming his casual trot.
“We’re getting too far away from the spire, and the sun is coming up in an hour or two. I for one don’t want to get caught out.” A insisted.
“Well I don’t die from a bit of sunlight, so too bad.” Jacob stepped over a tire rim.
“I’m not sure that’s your choice.” A stated.
Jacob paused and looked backward. “Oh, so you’re bossing me around now?”
“Maybe, if you keep on making dumb decisions like this.” A stopped as well.
“Pff, I’ll be fine.” Jacob waved his hand in the air to emphasize his point.
“You won’t last ten minutes.” A dead-panned.
“Nah, I’ll speedrun this stuff, I’ll be off-planet in an hour.” Jacob proudly said.
A shook his head and sighed. “Whatever you say.”
Jacob didn’t answer.
Jacob then looked around. “Wait, where are we? I wasn’t keeping track.”
“And you said that you would- whatever, we’re like, three miles away from the base.” A replied.
“Huh, went that far?” Jacob asked.
A frowned. “Three miles isn’t that far-”
A was interrupted by a rather loud crack that resonated through the landscape.
Jacob blinked. “Uh, ok then-”
Jacob was also interrupted by a trio of cracks and bangs, sounding slightly familiar.
“Are those-” Jacob was, yet again, interrupted by even more bangs.
“-gunshots?” He finished.
“I wouldn’t worry, those idiots are probably either messing around, or they found a worker drone to kill.” A nonchalantly answered.
“Shouldn’t we go check it out though?” Jacob inquired.
“It isn’t a problem.” A said, annoyed.
“Well it would give me something to do.” Jacob insisted.
A checked the time, before looking at the horizon for signs of sunlight.
“Eh, fine. Wouldn’t hurt, I guess.” A shrugged.
“Nice.” Jacob grinned underneath his ballistic visor.
* * *
K sliced through the head of the last desperate drone, before spitting out a bullet.
“You done?” K called out to X.
“Yeah, I guess. By the way, do you still have my Dasani thing?” X looked at K hopefully.
“Yes, I do. And besides, it isn’t yours, it's for Jacob.” K answered.
“What? Why is he getting it? Why not me?” X exclaimed.
“Because it's water, idiot. An uncontaminated source, like A told us, remember?” K glared at X.
“I guess, but that's water?” X asked.
“Yes, it is. It matches the description.” K replied
“Description?” X questioned.
“Yeah, the description. You know what description means, right?” K seemed even more annoyed.
“I know what it means.” X snapped. “But how do you know what water looks like?”
K just shrugged, before turning towards the exit.
“Come on, we gotta get back soon.” She flew upwards, landing on the ledge.
X followed suit, tracing their steps back through the building. X looked back up at the rusty grate that the drone had fallen through, which he now identified as being part of a weirdly placed catwalk. Scanning the environment, X found that the only entrance to the small alcove would be the hole in the catwalk. The basement that the small room was connected to didn’t have an entrance either, only having the gaping hole in the side of the room, which likely wasn't intended. That would mean that a person would have to chop through the sewer wall to get into the basement and adjoining alcove, or jump off the catwalk. Both of those options didn’t make any sort of sense at all. In fact, the catwalk wasn’t even needed, someone could have just removed the entire basement-and-alcove plan entirely, which also removed the necessity for a catwalk. All in all, whoever designed the building was either high off of some crazy drugs, an idiot, or both.
But, none of these thoughts went through X’s head, as he was only thinking about the devastating loss of his cool plastic bottle.
K hefted herself up onto the rusty catwalk, with X following close behind. K went through the doorway, only for a rather eventful event to stop her momentarily.
A rocket screamed through the air, smacking K straight in the chest. The resulting explosion blew X backwards and K apart, with oil splashing onto the ground in the process. With a clatter, X hit the ground, slightly dazed. He looked to his left to see what looked like the arm of K, twitching slightly. X tried to get up, only to fall again, after he put his weight on a hand that wasn’t there.
X, seeing the failure of Operation: GTFU, adjusted his position so that he could get up with his other hand only, which was thankfully still there. Investigating his left arm, he could see that everything down from the elbow had been separated from himself in the blast. He didn’t have time to look for it or go get it, so he simply let the matter go.
Standing up, X stared through the smoke, before diving back down onto the ground when another rocket came streaking past him. It scratched his face, sending small sparks up, before heading down the other hallway. X pointed his own rocket launcher into the fog, before firing off a flurry of shots. He heard explosions, but wasn’t rewarded with screams or grunts of pain. Problematic, to say the least.
X took the opportunity to kick K’s assorted dismembered body parts down into the lower alcove, where she should eventually reassemble herself. She was really taking a beating recently, and she would probably be frustrated about that when X was all done, but that wasn’t his problem-
X nearly met the same fate as K when another rocket flew from the open doorway, the fog starting to clear up. X jumped up and over the RPG, letting it fly into the unexplored depths of the building. He couldn’t do this dance forever, so he made the executive decision to charge into the unknown.
* * *
Anyway, I'll be posting the next part tomorrow, so hang on tight for the singular person that made it to the end. No need to like, this is purely for my own benefit. See ya.