Welcome to The Oblivion Cycle universe, a vast setting spanning all of time and space and so much more. While many stories may shed perspective on this grand cosmic vista, there are also tales of adventure and sacrifice, romance and terror, grimdark corruption and scientific progress. To become immersed in the setting is to let the chaos of creativity flow through you, to let go of what is probable to discover what’s possible. I have created TOC for one reason, to inspire and entertain any who will listen. So please feel free to join me on this great adventure as I push the boundaries of what is possible and expand the limits of our creativity together. For more information on the setting and its lore there is a subreddit for TOC at TheOblivionCycle and a Discord server dedicated to it here [https://discord.gg/uGsYHfdjYf] called ‘The Oblivion Cycle Community Server’. I hope you find the following story entertaining and once more, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy.
+ E1:P1 + E3:P1 + Previous + Next +
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Continued From E3:P3
Balinski took a few steps down the hall towards the distant exit but stopped as he realised Daryon wasn’t following. He looked at her and the police woman seemed to shrink slightly. “What? What is it? We need to get moving, Daryon.”
He waited another second as she put her weapon away and compiled. She seemed strangely subdued now all of the sudden, as if she were embarrassed to be around him. They walked down the hall, thuds coming from behind them as the barred doors did their job. He reached out towards her but she flinched away slightly. “Okay, what is going on? What’s the issue?”
She walked a few more meters in silence and then spoke softly, “I jusst.. I didn't want you to have to ssee anything like that. Who I usssed to be.”
Balinski shook his head, he didn't care who she used to be in her past. He cared about who she was now. And who she was, was a friend. “Daryon, I don't give a znot’s ass about that asshole or what he said. You are my friend, and I promised that I would watch your back.” he had made the promise in order to calm her down, he didn't mention that he hadn't actually expected to have to cash in on it so soon.
She made a gesture of dejected misery, “I know you did. But you didn’t know who I used to be. What I did.. to ssurvive.” She looked at him and her tone became pleading. “Please don’t think less of me becausse I used to.. do things.”
Balinski shook his head. “Why would I think any less of you, Daryon?” She seemed to look at him in mild confusion, her faceplates cracking open to reveal the pink flesh of her lipless mouth. “I mean it. I have known you for a few months now, but we have been working together on this case for Siyel together for a few weeks now. I feel like we can trust each other with our secrets..” he trailed off, he was about to take a big step in trusting her.
He started hesitantly, now the large insectoid woman’s turn to hear something he didn’t like others to know. “Daryon..” he hesitated again and then took a deep breath. “I am not the hero that people make me out to be. I am simply the one that survived. And not even by being brave.” She looked at him, her head cocking slightly as he spoke. “I was placed on perimeter watch, I never even entered the complex before the destruction. Ima fraud, I never even fired a single shot at the rebels that day.” he stopped talking and slumped slightly himself.
It felt strangely liberating to get it off his chest, even if it was not the whole truth of what had happened in actuality. No, the whole truth was far too dangerous to share. “So now you know. I’m not the war hero who took out the enemies of the Union single handedly. I'm just the scared little boy that the commander of my unit did not trust enough to take into battle. And I have to live with that, the images still haunt me. My comrades shattered bodies, the blood.. The fire..”
He felt a wave of pain crashed through his mind, the memories once more causing the psychic anguish to overwhelm him. He raised his hands to his head and groaned quietly, he felt himself backslide towards that dark personal oblivion that was the pit of his past trauma. He stopped, or rather something stopped him.
He looked up as a voice brought him back to the present, “..can’t help you if I don’t know what’ss wrong, Balinski.”
He shook his head and stood. “I.. sorry. I have an.. a condition.” He finished lamely.
Daryon seemed to look him over without moving. Her bright blue compound eyes were able to see so much without her having to turn her head. She reached out and gave his shoulder a pat. “I get it. I think I do at leasst.”
He had a thousand things he could have said in response ranging from cruel to straight up flirtatious. But he never got to explore any of the options as just then a mighty crash echoed through the hall. This was soon followed up by the sound of distant screams and angry yelling.
He looked at Daryon briefly and then began running down the hall again. They skidded around the corner into the final stretch and up the slight incline towards the exit. Next to the door stood Dunmec and a slightly battered looking Terri, the yeown woman looked to be bleeding from several cuts across her forearms. They looked like they had been made by some manner of sharp objects.
Despite her oozing injuries the woman was beaming, her long pointed ears and wide predatory grin as gleeful as he had ever seen one of the big werewolf-like aliens. As they made their mad dash up towards the exit he also noticed that the tall umraghj was bandaging her wounds, the soft buzz of their synthetic voice echoing through the enclosed space.
“..andeged like this tightly or you may get infected. I don’t know why you had to go and do something like that Terri.” Balinski was able to pick up on the tail end of their muted conversation. “What’s that? Hey, it’s you two! You won’t believe what happened..”
Balinski skidded to a halt, breathing hard. Daryon was only centimeters behind. He saw Terri bristle, her mantle hair standing on end as she stood and whirled to face them. In her haste she scattered the small first aid kit that Dunmec had been using.
As she looked back and forth between them a gleam of recognition flashed in her eyes and she glanced at the umraghj who was busy trying to pick up the scattered debris of her suspicion. “This is the ones?” She seemed at once curious and skeptical.
He gave her a nod and a synthetic grunt as he stood with some difficulty despite the exosuit he wore. The gravity of the planet was nearly a perfect standard G, but the umraghj had evolved on a planet with much lower gravity and thusly had trouble standing unaided under standard gravity.
Balinski nodded to her as he reached them and then gestured towards the door. “We need to get out of here, like right now.”
“Too late, look out!” Daryon yelled as she dodged into the small alcove to the side of the chamber. Balinski twitched as he meant to follow, but in that second of hesitation he realised that Dunmec was entirely out in the open, and the approaching henchmen had drawn their guns.
The fool had gone for the exit, in a second he would likely be riddled with bullets and dead. Balinski stepped towards the man just as the thugs opened fire at him with an AP-6 submachine gun. He threw up an arm to shield his face as he felt a series of impacts against his chest and legs. He grunted in pain as he was thrown backwards by the force of the absorbed impacts. He swore internally as he slammed into the door right next to the cowering Dunmec, that was going to hurt like a bitch in the morning.
Dunmec lowed in fear, the electronic tone of the sound magnified by the distortion of his suit. Balinski coughed as he reached up and grabbed the man right as another flurry of shots flew their way. The umraghj jerked in either fear or pain as Balinski used his body to shield the man while simultaneously dragging him towards cover. He tried to send a mental alert to Caesar for backup but didn’t feel the transmission go. He couldn't be sure that the message had been sent, much less been received.
It looked like they were on their own. A bullet nicked his neck, causing him to jerk. With a last herculean effort he hauled the tall alien into the cover of the alcove while the other three tried to shelter in place. “Daryon, waste these fucks.” he shouted to her, unholstering his ThunderEagle and tossing it to her.
She grabbed it out of the air deftly and gave a grim looking nod, her antennae pressed down her back as she leaned out from cover and fired a shot off. He didn’t see if she hit anything as he was preoccupied with the whimpering Dunmec.
Terri was hovering nearby, her bloody wounds forgotten as the unfinished bandages hung from her arms. “Oh no! Oh-oh no.” the woman muttered as Balinski looked the suited man over. He had a small puncture in the shoulder of his suit, a thick green liquid seeped from the wound. The man’s chlorine based blood stained the fabric of the suit as Balinski checked him for patches.
He pointed to Terri, the woman still looking a little freaked out. “Hey, you.” Her chatoyant blue eyes snapped to his face. “First aid kit, now. I can help him if you help me!” He told her loudly as Daryon fired another two shots.
“Two down!” The vinarfel shouted. “I never sshould have let myssself get dragged in here.” He heard her mutter, as if anything he said or did would have stopped her from entering the building. She opened the revolver’s chamber and asked, “You got reloads?”
Balinski nodded and handed her a handful of bullets, AP, HE and others. He hadn’t looked, he had just grabbed some from his pockets as he lay on the ground wheezing slightly through the pain in his chest. Tarri had grabbed the first aid kit that Dunmec had been rummaging around in and he flung open the lid to see what he was working with. His own medkit he wore on his waist would come in handy if he couldn't find what he needed.
He looked through it as more gunfire erupted from down the hall, it sounded as if the gunmen in the hall had been reinforced. Balinski ignored it, instead focusing on the injured alien. Dunmec was breathing heavy, his eyes just visible through the HUD visor he wore. Balinski placed a hand on the man’s injured shoulder causing him to moan in pain.
“Hey, stay with me kid. This might hurt a bit, but I need to seal the wound. It looks like the bullet is still inside, I am going to have to get it out.” He watched as the man nodded, his breathing taking in a more fearful pitch.
Terri hovered by his side, dancing from foot to foot as she mumbled in some manner of near incoherent babble. He gave her a look, pausing in his work. “Terri, I need space. Most importantly I need you to watch my partner’s back. Here, take this.” He undid his ammo belt, handing it to her he gave her a small smile, “I got this. Don’t worry. I'm a professional.”
The yeown rushed off to help Daryon, now alone with the injured man he reached for the kit and located a small vitatector. He switched the portable MRI detector on and scanned over the wound. The small device beeped and showed an interior scan of the man’s injury. The bullet had been slowed by his suit, it looked like and embedded itself in the bone just next to his shoulder joint. It would be a difficult fix, but he had done this before on the battlefield on several occasions when a designated medic wasn’t available.
Balinski grabbed a small pair of packaged forceps from his own medical pouch. They had been stored in antiseptic fluid that he used to sterilise the wound as he ripped the package open. Dunmec once more cried out in pain as the liquid seeped into the open wound but Balinski sat him up against the wall and held him still with his free hand.
He looked at the man and asked him, “This is going to hurt. I don’t have any anesthetic that will work on you, I recommend that you hold onto my arm and squeeze as hard as you feel the need to.”
The umraghj nodded, their long double jointed arms reached out and his suited hands gripped his free arm. Balinski breathed deep and then pushed the tool into the wound to where the vitatector had told him to. It took a few seconds to find the bullet, in that time the man’s hands tightened down hard enough on his arm to make the allow creak concerningly. He felt the tool slip of the bullet and he swore.
“Luck damned thing! Come one!” He fished for it again and succeeded in getting a grip on it the second time. He had to work it back and forth a few times to loosen the projectile from its death grip. As soon as the projectile was free he dropped the forceps to grab some sterile gauze, he needed to stop the bleeding and didn't have a QTube handy. He needed to requisition more from the precinct when he got the chance.
He checked the man’s waist pouches quickly and found a patch kit. He squirted some basic medical foam into the wound, it would swell and keep pressure on the wound internally. It didn’t have the healing properties of a QTube, but it would keep the man from bleeding out. Balinski used a sterile bandage to clean the suit as best he could before applying the patch to it. Oxygen wasn’t harmful to the man, but it might not be good if the pressurised chlorinated atmosphere from inside the suit got out.
He reached for the first aid kit and closed it before patting the man on his shoulder. He was still lucid, impressive as most non-combat oriented species of the Union would quickly succumb to shocksleep when injured. Dunmec must be tougher than his lanky frame looked at a glance.
Daryon shouted as he stood. “Alright, they just got rushed by club staff it looks like. They are laying down their arms!” She scuttled back into the cover of the alcove as shouting replaced the sound of gunfire in the distance. She handed him his .50 calibre revolver and he replaced it into his shoulder holster as Terri rushed to Dunmec’s side.
She spoke quickly, “Oh.. oh Dunmec.. I’m so sorry. Are you alright? You got shot!” She added, a bit obviously.
The downed alien just coughed lightly and shook his helmeted head while reaching up towards the muscular alien woman. “I feel bad. But not as bad as I did before I met you.” He said the lines in an almost practised way, as if he had been waiting for the opportunity to use them for a while.
Balinski snorted slightly under his breath at the cheesy line causing Daryon to punch him in the shoulder. He gave her a glance as Terri lifted the nearly three meter tall man to his feet. He leaned heavily on her much shorter frame, but she didn't seem to mind. Her powerful muscles easily compensated for the additional strain as she replied to him, “Well, that was before. Now you don’t have to feel bad or scared. I will protect you now. I won't let anyone else hurt you, I promise.” Dunmec just chuckled and then groaned in discomfort.
Balinski stood straight as he heard the sound of approaching footsteps, his hand flashed inside of his trench coat. His fingers finding the handgrip of his gun as a quartet of heavily armed people rounded the corner with MR-12s raised.
Daryon automatically raised her hands and after a moment he did as well, relinquishing his grip on the gun reluctantly. A tattooed nerivith female stepped forwards, her face taken up on one side by a flowing vine-like pattern that disappeared into the collar of her suit. She wore a bullet resistant vest over the top of it, very much business-combat attire.
She nodded her horned head to them and shouted loudly, “You two, get on the ground! No funny business or you will find out just how much I care about problem brewers in my establishment.” She stopped as Terri rushed forwards.
The yeown woman’s arms were still wrapped up in the bandages from earlier and spots of bright red blood dripped slowly from at least one of the deep cuts. “Stop! These two saved us, literally. The human took some bullets to save Dunmec, he got shot by those packbreakers.” She spat the last word with considerable venom. Her disdain for the submachine gun wielding men was obvious.
The nerivith woman looked from Terri to Dunmec a few times before stepping closer to Balinski with a suspicious look. “Hands all the way up, move and I’ll give you another orifice to breathe through.” She stepped close and opened his coat, her hand feeling his ballistic vest that had stopped the first burst of automatic fire. She nodded and then stepped back before lowering her gun.
“Don't touch that hand cannon in your shoulder holster, but I think I trust you. Who are you two and what the smeg are you doing antagonising these jerkoffs?” The pink skinned alien demanded as she looked between him and Daryon.
Balinski gave Daryon a glance and she nodded before raising one of her middle arms. “I can ansswer that for you.” She pulled out a physical badge from her back pocket and handed it to the woman.
The club workers' tufted tail flicked as she took it and Balinski watched as her raven colored eyebrows rose. “CPD? What the hel are you doing here, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Daryon spoke again, the nerivith woman frowning as she laid out the tale in as accurate a fashion as she could without compromising their true agenda. “Well, we were following a lead to a persson of interessst when we were accossted by these men for ssome unfathomable reason. We tried to run and when that didn’t work we defended ourselves to the full legal extent of the law. You may notice that I didn't shoot to kill, at least not on purposse.” She added with a slightly guilty hiss.
Terri let out a small noise as she said it. The woman likely still in some manner of mild shock, despite her species violent natures, death was not always so easy to grasp. The gun-wielding woman turned to the few other club workers that had come with her and commanded, “Tell the boss what happened, call the police. I want this wrapped up as soon as possible. I’m not taking the fall for this one.” She turned back to Balinski and punched him in the chest, not hard enough to be aggressive but still with considerable force. “I think I like you, big man. You got some horns on you, I guess I don't have to ask you to wait for the police to arrive to give a statement do I?”
Balinski chuckled and glanced towards Terri and Dunmec. “No, you don't have to worry. I will be submitting a full report of the events..” He wasn't able to finish as a loud thud echoed from the main door followed by a series of loud percussive noises. Everyone immediately went on high alert but Balinski raised a hand. “No, it's okay, that’s my backup. Fashionably late as usual. Here, let me get the door so she knows it alright.” He looked towards Terri who nodded.
The nerivith woman’s gun was still raised but she nodded too. “Be my guest.” She gestured for him to go ahead. He walked to the door and unlatched it before swinging it open slightly. Before he could say anything, Caesar burst through it as she pushed it out of his grip. He grunted in mild discomfort as she slammed into his legs and landed in a stunned heap.
Chuckling as the embarrassed looking dog stood to her feet, he watched as she shook her triangular head. “You big oaf. Everything is fine now girl, thanks for coming though.” he reached down and gave her head a scrub that made her grumble in annoyance like a put upon teenager.
Daryon scuttled over on her short, pointed legs and Caesar perked up a little. “Oh you brave warrior, you would have ssaved usss for ssure if Balinsski had just taken you with uss.” She gave him a look, her faceplates cracked in her version of a grin. He could only shake his head as the nerivith woman walked up to him once more.
“Alright, I need to get this mess cleaned up. I beg your pardon if I ask you not to come back here on official business again?” He nodded.
He pointed to the door. “It wasn’t my plan to cause such a disruption when I came in here.”
She shook her raven haired head. “It’s all over now. No sense worrying about what did and didn't happen. It just so happens that we have had trouble with these individuals before. So as far as I see it you did us a favour because we now have cause to bar them from ever coming back.” She nodded again as she said it, her smile flashing at him. As she did he noticed that she had several gold teeth.
She turned and stalked away, her tail lashing behind her. Balinski rubbed his chest and then glanced down at Caesar. “Yeah, you did good in coming. If we hadn’t been able to make it out your backup would have been the thing we needed.” She just gave him a little bark and then headbutted his thigh affectionately.
Daryon was talking to Terri and the still slouching Dunmec. Balinski got the feeling he didn’t need the support as much as he was simply enjoying being physically close to the brawny furred alien.
Balinski decided to walk over to them to hear what they were whispering about. He picked up on the conversation as he neared. Terri was speaking, “Yes. She likely will keep trying to force her ideas on me, but I already beat her once and she won't ever be able to forget that. It is an exploitable weakness if we should ever lock claws again. Thank you for your concern.”
The woman looked over at him as he approached, her eyes settling on Caesar. “Oh, what’s that?” She exclaimed.
Caesar tossed her little head and gave him a look as if to say, ‘What? Another one?’ He chuckled and gave her a pat on the head. “This is my erstwhile companion and oldest living friend, Caesar. She is a cybernetically enhanced dog, a Jureillion husky to be precise. She’s got cognitive implants, you can talk to her if you want.” He prompted.
The yeown woman gave him a look that seemed as if she was unsure of herself. Finally she reached out and spoke softly, “Wow, look at you. You kind of look a little like my grandmother, it's uncanny.” Caesar snorted at the comment and then walked over for free head scritches, grumbling contentedly as she received them. “Ok she is so.. I mean, you are so soft. I love her.”
Caesar seemed to be enjoying the attention. Dunmec spoke now, the suited alien’s robotic sounding voice wheezing out from his helmet’s speakers. “I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life, man. Here, take this.” the man handed him something, it was a datachip card. An old style one too. “If you ever want to get a hold of me..” he glanced at Terri and she nodded, “..or Terri. Just call me with the number on that card.”
Balinski had to nod as he heard the faint sound of sirens coming from the still open door. “I will do that. You two take care of each other.”
Terry gave a wide grin, her teeth clinting in the light. “Oh, we will.” Daryon gave her a pat on the back as she followed Balinski out the door. Caesar hot on her tail.
He took a few steps out into the night and then patted his pockets. He grunted in mild delight as he found what he was looking for. It was a small shiny package of pibbles, the small candies one of his favorites. He poured a few out into his open mouth and jerked as he felt a tap on his shoulder. He glanced over, it was Daryon.
“Pibble?” he asked her with his mouth full. She seemed to smile slightly and offered a hand into which he poured a few of the colorful candies.
He chewed vigorously on the fruity sugar orbs as he contemplated the massive shitstorm they had just managed to walk out of. Daryon must have been thinking the same thing as she gave a loud sigh, “Wow.. that was. Well, it wassn't good.”
He just nodded silently. They stayed that way for another few seconds before he turned to her. “What did we actually get out of that old skorp? Anything that we can use to track down the one’s behind the attack?”
Daryon walked a few paces away and then returned quickly, the side-to-side scuttling motion of her pacing threw him off a little. “I really don’t know. The trail hasss gone cold, without another major lead I am fearful that we will losse them. That ssimply isn't acceptable to me.” He nodded, she was right.
He would have liked to respond but it was about that time that a series of screeching vehicles covered in flashing lights skidded into view at the end of the alley. He sighed and fished around in his trench coat for his credentials. “Here we go..” He muttered to which Daryon gave an amused hiss.
A series of officers rushed down the alley with guns drawn, shouts directed their way. It took only a few minutes of back and forth with them to convince them that they were in fact officers, or in Balinski’s case, employed by the CPD.
When it was over he gave a statement and almost a whole hour after they had walked down the alley he found himself leaving it. A bit the worse for wear but secure in the knowledge that they had at least put down a dangerous criminal for their trouble.
Daryon scuttled along beside him, “Gee, I ssure hope the club doesn't get into any ssort of trouble for thisss.”
The comment caught him off guard and he chuckled. “Yeah, they seemed like downright decent folk for running a burlesque underground club.” She gave him a pointed look, her antennae shooting up as she looked like she was about to rebuke him. He raised his arms in mock surrender before she could though, “Oh hey, not saying I didn’t like the place. Just that they likely were not excited to see the boys in blue.”
It was a fair point and she conceded. “Yeah, I ssuppose. But I think we sstill got out of there with a halfway decent lead.”
Now it was his turn to look shocked as they crossed the street, weaving between emergency vehicles to get to the opposite side of the gloomy street. The flashing of emergency lights was behind her and it made her eyes glitter like gemstones, he frowned. “What do you mean? That crusty old skorp didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already suspect.”
She raised an arm and pointed to the wall. He looked and noticed the graffiti for the first time. The one in particular she was gesturing to was a gang affiliated symbol for the Sunstarters. “I can ssay with sssome measure of certainty that we might be able to look around for ssome additional cluesss.”
The Sunstarters were known distributors for the Psychosis Division. It stood to reason that if the Pit Vipers had gotten involved with the Psychs then they were likely also involved with the Sunstarters. Balinski clapped his hands together and smiled, they might just have a lead indeed. What had the old skorp said? To follow the source?
They walked into the large parking garage and to his big blue truck, as they climbed back inside he leaned his head back. “That was a bit of a fuckfest. Are you hungry, I’m hungry.” Indeed almost as he said it he felt a small grumble from his middle.
Daryon made an affirmative gesture, her antennae moving excitedly. “Oh yess, where do you want to go for lunch? Ullnek’ss Hut maybe? McDoinkss?”
He folded his arms. He wasn’t really in the mood for greasy burgers or razah’voolian seafood. No, he would have to think about it. “Why don’t we just drive around till we find something interesting? We need to keep an eye out for any good leads too.”
He started the truck as the large insectoid woman gave Caesar a head pat while nodding. “Okay. But if you see a TFDs then we are sstopping immediately, isss that fair?”
Balinski shrugged. He liked fried drebble as much as anything else. Caesar however seemed very excited by the idea of crispy breaded arthropod as she woofed happily. He shook his head and looked back out the window. He would have to keep his eyes peeled for one of the yellow and black spotted stores.
**********
Balinski smacked his lips happily as he took another great bite out of the steaming fried drebbleloaf sandwich. The snallke was fresh and the pickles were crispy, just the way he liked them. Glancing over at the other two revealed similar scenes of personal enjoyment. Caesar was snacking on some popcorn drebble and Daryon was cleaning out a six-piece bucket of BBQ drebble graspers. Her long radula snaked from her lipless mouth between her opened faceplates as he watched, mildly intrigued to watch the alien woman eat.
He took another bite of his sandwich as Daryon sucked the meat off another fried and breaded grasper. Lacking a jaw she was unable to chew but her radula and powerful cheek muscles made up for her lack as she deftly disassembled the meat with the skill of a surgeon.
She waved the de-meated shell and gave a small hissing sigh as another of her ten arms reached out for the Smarkus grape soda sitting in the dash drink-holder. “Ahhh… Yeah, that'ss the sstuff. How’sss your ssandwich?” She looked at him without moving her head, her compound eyes making her constantly aware of her surroundings in a manner that some might describe as unsettling.
He got the feeling she was watching him eat too, his mastication of the sandwich as inherently alien to him as her own strange method of ingestion was to him. As he took another bite her curiosity seemed to get the better of her. He saw her head cock a little as she asked, “Sso, can you feel with your teeth? I know that you can’t tasste with them. I read that much on the hyperweb at leassst.”
He finished chewing and swallowed before giving her a wide smile. She froze, her fascination with his teeth obvious. “Yeah, kind of. I was lucky that I didn't lose them. It's not uncommon for people who go through.. what I did, to have their teeth shatter. And when they go they don’t come back.”
She nodded slightly as she took a loud slurp of her soda. “Yeah, I read that humanss only get a sssingle sset of adult teeth in their life. No wonder they are so hard, you have to keep using them for a hundred yearss.”
He looked out the window, they were driving slowly around the entertainment district looking for anything that might point them in the right direction. He wasn’t really too sure what he was looking for to be honest, but Daryon insisted that she knew what to look for. He nodded towards a distant structure, it rose so high it went out of sight. “What’s that there?”
Daryon made a loud noise as she cleared her throat. “That’ss one of the upper-city sspires. It connectss the people up there to the ones down here, think of it as a vertical metro..” She trailed off before pointing to something in the near distance. Her BBQ bucket forgotten. “Hey.. hey right there.. Sstop. Pull over.” She tapped him on the shoulder with one of her lower arms rapidly and he obliged.
He looked forwards and saw nothing out of the ordinary, a few people walking along the edge of the street. There was a tall human woman leaning against one of the street signs at the corner, she was dressed in some tight fitting dress and high heels but other than that looked as normal as the rest of them.
Daryon put her yellow and black spotted grasper bucket on the dash and cleaned her hands at the same time she undid her seatbelt and straightened her clothing. She stopped fussing after a moment and then pulled a soft cloth out of one of the inner pockets of her overcoat and used it to polish her eyes. She replaced it and then held out her arms, “Well, how do I look?”
Balinski took the opportunity to give her a completely unabashed once over. He shrugged, “You look like you. What can I say?”
She seemed to smirk. “Alright, good enough. You know you have a way with words Balinski, any girl would just swoon to hear such things.” He frowned but didn't get to reply as she continued, “I’ll be right back. Sstay there and try not to look too harmlesss. This will only take a ssecond.
She slithered out of the truck and he kept his eyes firmly forwards this time as she closed it and sauntered off, well as much as the fifty-two legged alien was able too. He noticed that she had once more adopted that somewhat provocative side to side sway in her stride as she walked away from him. He just shook his head, she was doing it again.
Continued In E3:P5
==End of transmission==

Originally booked humu as the ambiance looked perfect, but after reading reviews I hear the food has really gone downhill.
I want to treat him to a fancy dinner, with unique seafood dishes as he loves trying new foods, but don't want the vibe to be too "romantic". I'm currently leaning towards Nicks Fish Market but would like some other suggestions!

Before I begin to tell you everything that’s happened, I think it is important to ask yourself whether you think a madwoman would be able to hold the position of head librarian at Echo Bay’s prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University for 19 consecutive years? Do you think something like that would be possible? It’s a rather difficult job to manage such a vast collection of reference materials–to ensure that they’ve been organized and categorized and reshelved correctly and logically once they’ve been borrowed and returned. It really does take a lot of skill.
I’m sure that you’re aware that our university is home to the nation’s third largest marine biology, nautical engineering and maritime history reference library? Of course you are. Everyone knows that. You can’t be unhinged and also be responsible for the standard titles in fiction and non-fiction, the classics and new releases, an extensive backlog of microfiche, newsreels, a wide collection of digital media as well as hundreds of scholarly journals. These are things that students have come to expect from a university. They are paying tens of thousands of dollars that they’ve borrowed in student loans for an education! That’s money that they will work for the next fifty or sixty years to repay! Did you know that our university is the university with the second largest collection of restricted-access books, scrolls, clay tablets and ancient one-of-a-kind texts on the occult? Well, that you probably didn’t know and I’m not supposed to talk about that, so why don't you do us both a favor and just forget I’ve mentioned it…
I ask you, would they trust a lunatic with such a large responsibility? No, I don’t imagine that they would.
I’ve seen the mentally unstable–suffering from various forms of psychosis and neuroses, the drug addicts and drunks–you’ve seen them too. You know you have. They’re spending all day talking endlessly about kraken, mermaids and boat-eating giant squids. They think they’re talking to someone else, but there’s nobody there. They’re just sitting by themselves on a bench down by the wharf. Sure they’ll realize they’re not talking to anyone eventually…then if they have even half a whit, they’ll go find some sucker who will take pity on them–a skipper or deckboss…someone who’ll let them scrape barnacles off the side of their barge for a couple twenties. Most of those fishermen know they’ve pulled in quite the haul so they can afford to take pity on some poor nitwit. Get them to do the jobs nobody wants to do for pocket change.
Maybe those imbeciles will get really lucky and some blowboater will have them scrub down the deck of their fancy new sailboat for a crisp hundred dollar bill–or polish the chrome railings and whatnot. I tell you, that’s what the crazies do around here…they hang out around the docks, hoping to make enough money to buy themselves a handle of Gordon’s Gin–the plastic one for $15–just so they can pass out on the beach under the stars and get bitten by sand fleas all night long. I see it every day. It’s just what the nutjobs do.
Cuckoo-birds aren’t head librarians–they’re not even regular librarians–and certainly not at the leading university in a two hundred mile radius for marine biology, fishery management, and coastal environmental studies. No sir, they are not. And that’s just to name a few of the more popular fields of study here at the university. We have many, many programs for those intelligent, hardworking and qualified students who have spent their lives fascinated by sea exploration and sea related fields of study and I’m proud to be a part of such an important organization. I’m proud to say that from the year I began, I’ve helped each and every one of our graduates at some point discover that there’s more to see within the sea than we initially see…or maybe if I haven’t, I’ve at least told them where to go to find some book or other that they’re looking to find…unless it’s one of those books from the access-restricted collection of occult texts that we keep secretly locked in the sub-basement. I’ll kindly remind you again to forget about those. They’re off limits.
Now, I’m humble so I don’t brag. I'm not telling you that I’ve been in charge of all of the college’s books for nearly two decades because I expect you to be astonished. I wasn't fed my Master's degree in Library Science on a silver spoon by my rich parents. I grew up very poor like so many of you. I come from meager beginnings. My family had nothing, like most families still here in Echo Bay. That's right. I grew up here.
We aren't expected to do anything particularly astonishing growing up amongst the fishers and the crabbers on these prolific shores. The town is known only for its propagative fisheries--for crustacean trapping and shellfish. We’re seafood people of modest stock. I never knew I was destined to such grandeur as the title of a university's head librarian! And for 19 continuous years! This is a quiet coastal town that some will tell you has unique charms, beauty and history. Those things are lies. The only thing here is fish and everything smells just like you'd expect. The only industries here are the fisheries. The whole town stinks like the rotten breath of Poseidon and everyone you meet smells like they've bathed in the mouth of a bloated whale carcass that's washed ashore at the height of summer.
Still, you'll find that we’re more or less unpretentious people. We don't brag much, but maybe we should do a bit more than we do. The town itself is awful but we have one of the best maritime polytechnical universities anywhere in the entire country, and that's something we should be proud to say. I might be biased, but the university employs a great support staff. Most of the professors also do their jobs most of the time. It’s common knowledge that we’ve taught some of the leading marine technologists, aquatic environmental scientists and maritime law and policy makers from here to New Bismuth and Harlow’s Cove. I bet even someone like you knew about that already.
Our graduates are making big names for themselves even as far away as Clarion and Hedonis. So, I assure you that the crazy people aren’t found here at Eldertide Polytechnic. No place near it. Only reasonable people here…and they certainly wouldn’t let a psychopath be the head of the university’s library staff–Why, I’ve just told you, haven’t you been listening? The lunatics are out near the docks like they’ve always been, gibbering away their drunken theories of sunken pirate ships, lost treasures and superstitious legends about the sirens that supposedly make their home out on Mermaid Roost.
When those wackadoos are done running their mouths for the day they’re outside sleeping rough. They're exposed to the elements, spending all night cold and wet under the stars on Hidden Haven Beach. They've got their heads on jagged rocks instead of pillows out there, laying on beds made of cigarette butts and broken liquor bottles. That's where all the noodleheads around here sleep at night. They're all camped out there on that nasty beach with the rest of their kind: the vagrants, and derelicts, the dropouts, skateboarders and unwed mothers, tattoo artists and the illiterates too. Hidden Haven is the trashiest beach we've got in Echo Bay and levelheaded, decent people who can read stay away from there.
I heard from a reliable source that when intelligent people even think they might want to visit that beach "just to see" they should just go to a rehab instead. There's a nice one out in Harlow's Cove, I hear. It'll save them some time because the only reason anyone with any sort of logic would think thoughts like that is someone slipped them drugs or they got talked into drinking some of that Tidepool Tonic by a Whalehead. All it takes is you accidentally taking edible marijuanas or trying some of that Seafoam Slurry just one time and you'll never be the same again. After that, you're addicted now. Quit your job and become a Webby. That beach is crawling with that Enclave scum too. Used to be that cult ran the whole town, but there's less than 200 of those wackos left–all Greenmouths–every single one of them so they're easy to spot and avoid. Belong in the gutter if you ask me. That's the type of corrupted skelm a place like Hidden Haven belongs to...but I digress...
Set a single toe in that beach's sand and you might as well throw your whole life in the trash because people out there bring no value to society. You'll find yourself turning tricks so a pimp can give you some heroin or worse–a pint of Celestia–faster than you can say "lickety-split." Happens just that fast. Can't take a step on that beach without tripping over a box of dirty needles full of methamphetamines is what I've heard. You listen to me. I work in education so I know what I'm talking about.
Hidden Haven isn't the only beach you don't visit in Echo Bay. You don't go to Twilight Cove, either...not if you don't want to die horribly with your skin pulled off and your insides fed to something's pet.
They’ll call me crazy because nobody goes through the pass that leads down to Twilight Cove. Not anybody born and raised here in Echo Bay and not tourists either–but I've done it. I did it just last night. The path between those cliffs is too rough and stony for tourists and the Bay people are too superstitious–afraid of the Xaigonians to take the walk down to that beach. Twilight Cove’s not for the Bay People…that’s their territory. If you grew up in The Bay you grew up being told that the Xaigonians are down on that beach and they don’t take kindly to trespassers, especially not ones that can only breathe plain old regular air with normal human lungs. The Bay people say that if you go down between those cliffs you better have a damn good reason and something shiny to offer those webbed-footed freaks, because if you don’t and you’re dumb enough to go out on that particular stretch of beach you won’t be seen nor heard from ever again. It ain’t an expressly forbidden place to go–there’s no laws against it. Nobody’s gonna stop you. Nobody stopped me. You just ask anyone who’s spent their lives around these parts though. Ask them and they’ll tell you why you’ve got to stay away…
They’ll tell you there’s a whole race of people that aren’t quite people hiding out in that cove. They’ve been out there for centuries–and the world don’t know about them–that’s just the way they want it to stay too. They’ve been out there staying unseen since before the town was a town–before this state was even a state. They’re Fishpeople, that’s what they are. It isn’t just webbed fingers and toes, they say from far off something about their skin just doesn’t look quite right–looks a bit shinier than skin should look–they say you don’t want to get anywhere near them to see what’s off about their skin up close, but if you’re foolish enough to try you’ll see it ain’t skin at all. It’s a whole mess of scales.
When I was a little girl my mother (who also grew up here) told me the people hiding in Twilight Cove had gills and if they caught you walking out on their beach, they’d drag you down beneath the whitecaps and into the black waves. The waves are always black out there–day and night–nobody knows why. Once they’ve pulled you under, they’ll take you to their hidden shining city in the coral caves. She said the Xaigonians breed crabs–grow them even bigger than dogs–and they’ll peel off your skin the same way a fisherman uses a boning knife just so their mean and nasty pets don’t have to work so hard to get their claws inside–jab you in the spaces between your muscles and get at your good parts–get at your meat. That’s all The Bay people are to the Xaigonians–meat. If you don’t want to be meat, you’ve got to bring them some treasure. They’ll take gold, silver, diamonds–gems of all kinds actually…
But for your sake if they catch you out there, whatever treasure you’re bringing them had better be real…otherwise…you’re meat.
When they find him–no–if they find him–they’ll say I’m mad, of course they will, because nobody in their right mind goes down to that beach.

”Hello, I’m Bradley Wilcott, Eldertide Polytech’s University’s New President,”

I heard the stories all my life and you think someone like me, head librarian at Eldertide Polytech, for 19 goddamn years who grew up in this sea-side fish-stinking town ought to know better than to go out there. You’d have to be stupid or crazy to go out there. Especially not at night.

”And you’re Darlene? Ms. Darlene Fischer? The head librarian? According to your file, you’ve been here for a very long time. I do wish we were meeting under more pleasant circumstances.”

But I’m not stupid and I’m not crazy either–I was perfectly sound-minded and sober when I made my way to his goddamn house. The street was poorly lit and that was good. I was only a little worried that I might be seen making my way up the sidewalk by one of the neighbors. So, naturally, I knew if I was mentally disturbed, I would have kept everything on, but I wasn’t that way so I had to take it off. That way if anyone saw me through their windows, they would just see a naked woman in the street. They’d know I was being rational and wise. They’d know I was just out for a sensible stroll in the dark.

”As you know, the board of trustees has appointed me to this position because they felt that my predecessor extended very little oversight to the budget spending of quite a few departments.”
I’m not a department head. I’m the head librarian.
”You’re in charge of the purchase of the university’s books, are you not?”
Well, naturally…

I took off my blouse and bra first, then my skirt and panties. The air felt sweet and unseasonably cool as it caressed my exposed breasts. This breeze of course very naturally caused my sane and rational nipples to harden ever-so slightly in just the way that I had hoped and planned for. The way that deliberate and logical nipples are meant to react in accordance to a breath of cool night air. The house–my destination–was just up ahead. Every window was dark and the driveway was empty.
It appeared as though I would arrive at the most practical and prudent time for a levelheaded woman like myself to arrive–precisely when I intended to–at a time when there was nobody home.
I tucked my discarded clothes into a storm drain that opened up beneath a curb on the side of the road. Afterward, I cut diagonally from the sidewalk and through a yard with a large Victorian home standing like a sentry in the center of the lot growing heavily with a number of oak trees that were old and thick. Many lights were on inside, but I didn't worry because I knew that anyone who might look out would only see a fully rational and not-insane naked woman on a typical late-night walk beneath the shadowy canopy of branches that densely covered the property.
I lurked from tree to tree, skipping through the darkness as naturally as possible, only stopping once to rest for a moment beneath the largest of the ancient gnarled oaks. I had been carrying a rope in my hands, but it was in a mangled knot and it seemed more practical to wrap it into a coil around my arm and I’m a practical woman so that’s what I did. Then I very smartly slung the loop of rope over one of my shoulders and returned from the shadows of the trees in that yard to the sidewalk where I continued to nonchalantly make my way through the dark.

”I just have a few questions about some of the purchases you’ve made in the last few years. I’m hoping you could help me understand some of these expenses.”
Okayyyy…
”I’m seeing here that you spent–”
I don’t spend anything. The books belong to the library.
”Okayyyy, the library spent $13,000 on a volume titled ‘Twilight Testament: Unveiling the Esoteric’--can you explain that Ms. Fischer?”
Certainly. That particular book was written by Friar Lucian Benedict. He was a powerful sorcerer. Burned at the stake for heresy in, um–1263, I think.
”...And for what reason did you–I’m sorry–for what reason did the library spend $13,000 on this book?”
Naturally that’s what a book like that would cost if it were the only copy that exists.
”I see…”

Moving naked through the black of night, I knew that anyone who might peer out at the desolate emptiness of the cul-de-sac would pay me, a naked woman simply walking, no mind–wait!–I’d forgotten to take off my shoes! How could a cognitively prudent head librarian for nearly 20 years like myself forget to take off my shoes? A clear-headed, sane woman on a naked nighttime stroll, but wearing shoes? No. Absolutely not. I panicked and ripped them off as quickly as possible…I tucked my socks cleverly inside them and abandoned my footwear in a mailbox as I passed. The danger of being discovered having passed, I breathed a sigh of relief and I continued on my way.

”And Darlene–may I call you Darlene?–what’s this charge for $9700 for something called, ‘Chthonic Codex: Communing With The Eldritch’ can you explain that?”
Umm…
”What about $3750 for something called ‘The Alchemy of Night and Unveiling Infernal Secrets’–why–why are you making these purchases?”
Well, you see…
”I’ve actually been going through your purchase history and there’s almost $1.6 million dollars of misappropriated funds here, Ms. Fischer–and I’ve only gone back 10 years so far. There’s 9 more years of this library’s–your library’s–purchase receipts to go through.”
Misappropriated? No. Those texts were acquired for the occult library.
”I’m sorry–the what?”
The occult library.
”Where are these books, Ms. Fischer? In order to recover these funds, the university is going to have to liquidate some–if not, all–of this collection. Hopefully I can find a buyer so we have a way to recuperate these losses.”
Losses? These are treasures. Artifacts. I’m not going to let you sell them or even tell you where I keep the occult library.
”Whether you tell me or not, you’re facing very serious legal action, Ms. Fischer. Do you understand that?”
The occult library access is restricted. End of discussion.

Mr. Wilcott was not married. He lived in the house alone and he came home at midnight, which as a sensible woman, I found to be a very unsensible hour. I waited for him inside of his bedroom for two hours. Two full hours, I stood in the dark, arms bent up near my head in my best impression of a hideous modern style lamp. I tried to hold my breath, but I only lasted about a minute doing that. I didn't try to hold my breath again and that was a very sane decision because only a boneheaded lunatic would try not to breathe for two full hours.
When I arrived, I found a trellis at the side of his front porch that was heavily overgrown with rosebushes and climbed up from the ground floor to the windows of the home's second story. The roses that crawled up along the trellis were protecting the house from humble intruders like myself with a profusion of thorns. After letting myself inside through an unlocked window I discovered that my arms, my legs, my breasts and my hands were covered in nicks and scratches and scrapes. And for two hours he inconsiderately left me in the corner of his bedroom in the dark, waiting patiently to kidnap him.

”This is a maritime polytechnic university Ms. Fischer. We don’t need an occult library. We should not have an occult library and you therefore should not have purchased any texts for an occult library. When I show these numbers to the board of trustees you’re looking at some serious jail time.”
Jail time?
”This is embezzlement. Do you understand that? You’re done here, Ms. Fischer.”
I’m the Head–I’m Head Librarian–19 years! I’ve been in charge of this library for 19 years!
”Well, I’m very sorry, Ms. Fischer–but not anymore…you’re fired.”

When he came into the room, I wondered what he’d been doing out and about while I patiently–sensibly–waited for his return? Probably, he was out destroying some other people’s lives. Good, upstanding and reasonable people’s lives. He thoroughly explained to me how he intended to ruin mine just hours before. It seemed to be something he enjoyed and I was certain he'd ruin everything he was allowed to ruin if given the chance. I waited for him for so long that even my rational and logical blood acted practically with the time it was given; everywhere that the trellis thorns cut me while I climbed, the blood had quite astutely dried. Just another indicator that what I was about to do was not absurd–even my blood was behaving level-headedly.
If one can't trust one's own blood, then whoms blood can one trust?
I wasn’t worried that he would see me when he turned on the light to undress and climb into bed. If he did, it wouldn't matter much, for what could be more natural than a naked woman in the darkened corner of your private room? I wasn’t worried when I made my way down the road and into his house. Why should I worry now? As it turned out he never had a chance to ponder the existence of a naked woman standing so naturally and logically in the corner of his room pretending to be a lamp. I had chosen a very practical corner to stand in while I waited for him to arrive. I loosened a length of the rope between my clenched fists as he entered through the doorway with his back to me and before his hand even reached for the light switch, my arms were over his head, wrapping the cord around his neck from behind.
They’ll say I’ve lost it. They’ll say I’ve lost my mind…but that’s not the case at all.
I had to knock him unconscious with the butt end of my knife when I got him to the car because he very foolishly tried to fight me when I took him for the ride.
I parked at the mouth of the pass and dragged him down between those cliffs and when the waterline was low, I was stable and lucid and completely sane as I tied that bastard down to the heaviest rocks I could find at the water’s edge; arms and legs all splayed out so he couldn’t sit up or swim away when the tide came back in.
If someone was to find him (but I’m fairly certain no one will) I don’t think there will be any evidence left to tie what happened to him here back to me. I’ve been naked this whole time. Less evidence that way. That was very clever of me, indeed. I don’t think he’s told anyone about his little investigation yet either. If he has shared what he’s found, there’s something in the library, a book called: “The Obsidian Grimoire: Lost Spells of Power” to make them all forget. Ironically, I’ll have to look up the page because I can’t remember which one it is…
They probably won’t find him and even if they do it won’t matter, because the crabs will find him first. Don’t have to be the great big ones my momma told me the Xaigonian people keep either. The regular old little ones will do just fine. They can even take their time and eat him slow because nobody goes down to Twilight Cove unless they’re batshit crazy.
Except for me. I’m the exception.
The light of the moon was the only illumination on the pass between the jutting edges of the high rock formations that towered over each of my shoulders last night. It sparkled on the water in the distance like a thousand diamonds scattered across black velvet; a forbidden treasure that called to me and led me down and down and down to the living darkness of the water’s edge. My breathing was steady, matching the rhythm of the ebbing and flowing shoreline as it rolled toward me over and over only to pull back into the black and be sucked away. The waves rolled in and the waves rolled out and unconsciously I matched each of my inhales and exhales to the beat of the tide like one might attempt to match their breathing to that of a sleeping lover. The act was unintentional--the hand of destiny serendipitously guiding me along the correct path. Tonight this ebony shore was my lover and together we would take this man's life--not in the way that garden-variety sociopaths might take a man's life with the sole desire of watching him die. Tonight, the sea and I would be two cogent and rational beings in love who are also coincidentally both murderers who kill together in harmony. Together we would drown my new nemesis for the sake of love. My love. My love for the forbidden knowledge of the occult.
It wasn't being done in the name of chaos and irrationality. We were doing it methodically, reasonably and sensibly. Don't you see? Don't you understand it now? The sea loved me so much that it needed to kill Bradley Wilcott for me to prove that love was real.
I could taste the clean salt that hung in the air as I dragged him over all those jagged rocks, ignoring the sting of their sharp edges as they sliced into my bare and bloody feet. I made furtive glances behind me with every ten or twelve steps and felt no pain as I carefully but quickly made my way down between the cliffs. Any suffering I might have felt was overridden by the pleasure I found watching his head bounce roughly across those same rocks. The constant bludgeoning would keep him knocked out cold. The flow from the back of his head looked black beneath the starless sky, not red, and left smears as it mixed with the black of the footprints I left behind with each step I took along the path. I dragged him with one end of a rope tied around his ankles and the bulk of it wrapped around my waist a half a dozen times. The opposite segment of the rope was tucked down between the coils that circled my waist, and pressed against my bare skin so that the end of it hung out past my hips. I tied a bag to the length that remained. I fetched it from my trunk when I dragged him from my car. The hilt of my knife protruded past where the top of the bag was cinched tightly closed. It hung low and heavy against my leg, bouncing rhythmically against my thigh.
They’ll call me a madwoman because I went down to Twilight Cove beneath a dark and starless sky, dragging behind me a man that I intended to tie to the rocks at low tide. They'll say that I did this all while Echo Bay slept because irrationally my internal voice dictated I must watch him die--but don't you see the truth of it all? Everything they'll say about me is a lie.
They’ll say I’m insane because the only thing I felt was pleasure as I watched the current roll back in and the water slowly rise up over his eyes…because I laughed to myself when he regained consciousness at the perfect moment and those eyes fluttered open with little bubbles coming out from behind the eyelids, and floating up to the surface of the water. They’ll say I’m insane because I came out here, my waist wrapped in a rope that I unraveled and using a knife, cut that rope into lengths so that I could tie this lunatic of a man down by each of his limbs. They’ll call me certifiable because I gloated over him, my bare feet bleeding and my body completely naked against the ocean breeze and bare breasted against the moonlight as I watched him drown. They’ll say I’m deranged because on a starless night, I trekked into territory well known to belong to the Xaigonians to do this to a man who definitely deserved what fate had in store for him…but I’m none of those things. I’m completely sane.
When I saw the first Fishperson come up and out of the waves, clawing his webbed fingers through the sand and pushing his hands into the ground to stand upright on his flipper-shaped feet, I didn’t feel any fear. I knew that even though my nakedness rendered me easier to flay and feed to his giant pet crabs beneath the waves, Xaigon and his Fishpeople had an unspoken expectation for anyone and everyone who traipsed uninvited into Twilight Cove. This place is theirs and everyone in Echo Bay knows that. We don't come to this place where we don’t belong. If we do they expect us to have a gleaming gift to give them. Each of them. Twilight Cove belongs to the race that lurks beneath the opaque waters there and it has belonged to them since the time before men learned to walk upright. If you're on their beach when they come up out of the murky depths, they’ll either drag you down through the viscous pitch dark water to their shining city beneath the black waves...or they won’t. It only depends on whether you came to the beach intending to meet their expectations.
A moment later, another one is rising up through the white foam that swirls atop the surface of the inky dark sea. And another one. And another. And another.
I’m not crazy. I’m not insane. I’m the head librarian of the prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University and I have been for the last 19 years and I will be for 19 more and longer still after that. I’ve read everything about this place. Some of it’s in my collection with restricted-access and some of it isn’t. I came out here as an outsider intending to meet their expectations but I didn’t have any pockets to stow away my shiny gifts, so I put them in the bag I tied around my waist.
The bag was big. The bag was full. I knew what was out here. I knew what they would expect. This is the perfect place to bring a body because anyone who comes here without gifts for each and every one of them coming up and out from their city in the coral caves below won’t be seen again. There must have been a hundred of that strange aquatic race climbing out of the water. I watched them rise up to the surface that rippled with reflections of the moon. People don’t come here and if they do, they die. They might bring a gift and think they're wise, but one gift is not enough. You need to share with the whole class. I’m reasonable and pragmatic and my well of resources is deep. The bag I brought with me was very, very big and there were plenty of gifts inside to go around. They’ll say what I did out in Twilight Cove last night was crazy, but it wasn’t. They’ll say that I’m unhinged or deranged because I dragged that man out there to watch him die, but I’m not. Eldertide Polytechnic University wouldn’t have trusted me to be the head librarian for 19 fucking years if I wasn’t perfectly and completely rational and sane...
ss

Before I begin to tell you everything that’s happened, I think it is important to ask yourself whether you think a madwoman would be able to hold the position of head librarian at Echo Bay’s prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University for 19 consecutive years? Do you think something like that would be possible? It’s a rather difficult job to manage such a vast collection of reference materials–to ensure that they’ve been organized and categorized and reshelved correctly and logically once they’ve been borrowed and returned. It really does take a lot of skill.
I’m sure that you’re aware that our university is home to the nation’s third largest marine biology, nautical engineering and maritime history reference library? Of course you are. Everyone knows that. You can’t be unhinged and also be responsible for the standard titles in fiction and non-fiction, the classics and new releases, an extensive backlog of microfiche, newsreels, a wide collection of digital media as well as hundreds of scholarly journals. These are things that students have come to expect from a university. They are paying tens of thousands of dollars that they’ve borrowed in student loans for an education! That’s money that they will work for the next fifty or sixty years to repay! Did you know that our university is the university with the second largest collection of restricted-access books, scrolls, clay tablets and ancient one-of-a-kind texts on the occult? Well, that you probably didn’t know and I’m not supposed to talk about that, so why don't you do us both a favor and just forget I’ve mentioned it…
I ask you, would they trust a lunatic with such a large responsibility? No, I don’t imagine that they would.
I’ve seen the mentally unstable–suffering from various forms of psychosis and neuroses, the drug addicts and drunks–you’ve seen them too. You know you have. They’re spending all day talking endlessly about kraken, mermaids and boat-eating giant squids. They think they’re talking to someone else, but there’s nobody there. They’re just sitting by themselves on a bench down by the wharf. Sure they’ll realize they’re not talking to anyone eventually…then if they have even half a whit, they’ll go find some sucker who will take pity on them–a skipper or deckboss…someone who’ll let them scrape barnacles off the side of their barge for a couple twenties. Most of those fishermen know they’ve pulled in quite the haul so they can afford to take pity on some poor nitwit. Get them to do the jobs nobody wants to do for pocket change.
Maybe those imbeciles will get really lucky and some blowboater will have them scrub down the deck of their fancy new sailboat for a crisp hundred dollar bill–or polish the chrome railings and whatnot. I tell you, that’s what the crazies do around here…they hang out around the docks, hoping to make enough money to buy themselves a handle of Gordon’s Gin–the plastic one for $15–just so they can pass out on the beach under the stars and get bitten by sand fleas all night long. I see it every day. It’s just what the nutjobs do.
Cuckoo-birds aren’t head librarians–they’re not even regular librarians–and certainly not at the leading university in a two hundred mile radius for marine biology, fishery management, and coastal environmental studies. No sir, they are not. And that’s just to name a few of the more popular fields of study here at the university. We have many, many programs for those intelligent, hardworking and qualified students who have spent their lives fascinated by sea exploration and sea related fields of study and I’m proud to be a part of such an important organization. I’m proud to say that from the year I began, I’ve helped each and every one of our graduates at some point discover that there’s more to see within the sea than we initially see…or maybe if I haven’t, I’ve at least told them where to go to find some book or other that they’re looking to find…unless it’s one of those books from the access-restricted collection of occult texts that we keep secretly locked in the sub-basement. I’ll kindly remind you again to forget about those. They’re off limits.
Now, I’m humble so I don’t brag. I'm not telling you that I’ve been in charge of all of the college’s books for nearly two decades because I expect you to be astonished. I wasn't fed my Master's degree in Library Science on a silver spoon by my rich parents. I grew up very poor like so many of you. I come from meager beginnings. My family had nothing, like most families still here in Echo Bay. That's right. I grew up here.
We aren't expected to do anything particularly astonishing growing up amongst the fishers and the crabbers on these prolific shores. The town is known only for its propagative fisheries--for crustacean trapping and shellfish. We’re seafood people of modest stock. I never knew I was destined to such grandeur as the title of a university's head librarian! And for 19 continuous years! This is a quiet coastal town that some will tell you has unique charms, beauty and history. Those things are lies. The only thing here is fish and everything smells just like you'd expect. The only industries here are the fisheries. The whole town stinks like the rotten breath of Poseidon and everyone you meet smells like they've bathed in the mouth of a bloated whale carcass that's washed ashore at the height of summer.
Still, you'll find that we’re more or less unpretentious people. We don't brag much, but maybe we should do a bit more than we do. The town itself is awful but we have one of the best maritime polytechnical universities anywhere in the entire country, and that's something we should be proud to say. I might be biased, but the university employs a great support staff. Most of the professors also do their jobs most of the time. It’s common knowledge that we’ve taught some of the leading marine technologists, aquatic environmental scientists and maritime law and policy makers from here to New Bismuth and Harlow’s Cove. I bet even someone like you knew about that already.
Our graduates are making big names for themselves even as far away as Clarion and Hedonis. So, I assure you that the crazy people aren’t found here at Eldertide Polytechnic. No place near it. Only reasonable people here…and they certainly wouldn’t let a psychopath be the head of the university’s library staff–Why, I’ve just told you, haven’t you been listening? The lunatics are out near the docks like they’ve always been, gibbering away their drunken theories of sunken pirate ships, lost treasures and superstitious legends about the sirens that supposedly make their home out on Mermaid Roost.
When those wackadoos are done running their mouths for the day they’re outside sleeping rough. They're exposed to the elements, spending all night cold and wet under the stars on Hidden Haven Beach. They've got their heads on jagged rocks instead of pillows out there, laying on beds made of cigarette butts and broken liquor bottles. That's where all the noodleheads around here sleep at night. They're all camped out there on that nasty beach with the rest of their kind: the vagrants, and derelicts, the dropouts, skateboarders and unwed mothers, tattoo artists and the illiterates too. Hidden Haven is the trashiest beach we've got in Echo Bay and levelheaded, decent people who can read stay away from there. I heard from a reliable source that when intelligent people even think they might want to visit that beach "just to see" they should just go to a rehab instead. It'll save them some time because the only reason anyone with any sort of logic would think thoughts like that is someone slipped them drugs. All it takes is you accidentally taking edibles that one time and you'll never be the same again. You're addicted now. Set a single toe in that beach's sand and you might as well throw your whole life in the trash. You'll find yourself turning tricks so a pimp will give you heroin faster than you can say "lickety-split." Happens just that fast. Can't take a step on that beach without tripping over a box of dirty needles full of methamphetamines is what I've heard. You listen to me. I work in education so I know what I'm talking about.
Hidden Haven isn't the only beach you don't visit in Echo Bay. You don't go to Twilight Cove, either...not if you don't want to die horribly with your skin pulled off and your insides fed to something's pet.
They’ll call me crazy because nobody goes through the pass that leads down to Twilight Cove. Not anybody born and raised here in Echo Bay and not tourists either–but I've done it. I did it just last night. The path between those cliffs is too rough and stony for tourists and the Bay people are too superstitious–afraid of the Xaigonians to take the walk down to that beach. Twilight Cove’s not for the Bay People…that’s their territory. If you grew up in The Bay you grew up being told that the Xaigonians are down on that beach and they don’t take kindly to trespassers, especially not ones that can only breathe plain old regular air with normal human lungs. The Bay people say that if you go down between those cliffs you better have a damn good reason and something shiny to offer those webbed-footed freaks, because if you don’t and you’re dumb enough to go out on that particular stretch of beach you won’t be seen nor heard from ever again. It ain’t an expressly forbidden place to go–there’s no laws against it. Nobody’s gonna stop you. Nobody stopped me. You just ask anyone who’s spent their lives around these parts though. Ask them and they’ll tell you why you’ve got to stay away…
They’ll tell you there’s a whole race of people that aren’t quite people hiding out in that cove. They’ve been out there for centuries–and the world don’t know about them–that’s just the way they want it to stay too. They’ve been out there staying unseen since before the town was a town–before this state was even a state. They’re Fishpeople, that’s what they are. It isn’t just webbed fingers and toes, they say from far off something about their skin just doesn’t look quite right–looks a bit shinier than skin should look–they say you don’t want to get anywhere near them to see what’s off about their skin up close, but if you’re foolish enough to try you’ll see it ain’t skin at all. It’s a whole mess of scales.
When I was a little girl my mother (who also grew up here) told me the people hiding in Twilight Cove had gills and if they caught you walking out on their beach, they’d drag you down beneath the whitecaps and into the black waves. The waves are always black out there–day and night–nobody knows why. Once they’ve pulled you under, they’ll take you to their hidden shining city in the coral caves. She said the Xaigonians breed crabs–grow them even bigger than dogs–and they’ll peel off your skin the same way a fisherman uses a boning knife just so their mean and nasty pets don’t have to work so hard to get their claws inside–jab you in the spaces between your muscles and get at your good parts–get at your meat. That’s all The Bay people are to the Xaigonians–meat. If you don’t want to be meat, you’ve got to bring them some treasure. They’ll take gold, silver, diamonds–gems of all kinds actually…
But for your sake if they catch you out there, whatever treasure you’re bringing them had better be real…otherwise…you’re meat.
When they find him–no–if they find him–they’ll say I’m mad, of course they will, because nobody in their right mind goes down to that beach.

”Hello, I’m Bradley Wilcott, Eldertide Polytech’s University’s New President,”

I heard the stories all my life and you think someone like me, head librarian at Eldertide Polytech, for 19 goddamn years who grew up in this sea-side fish-stinking town ought to know better than to go out there. You’d have to be stupid or crazy to go out there. Especially not at night.

”And you’re Darlene? Ms. Darlene Fischer? The head librarian? According to your file, you’ve been here for a very long time. I do wish we were meeting under more pleasant circumstances.”

But I’m not stupid and I’m not crazy either–I was perfectly sound-minded and sober when I made my way to his goddamn house. The street was poorly lit and that was good. I was only a little worried that I might be seen making my way up the sidewalk by one of the neighbors. So, naturally, I knew if I was mentally disturbed, I would have kept everything on, but I wasn’t that way so I had to take it off. That way if anyone saw me through their windows, they would just see a naked woman in the street. They’d know I was being rational and wise. They’d know I was just out for a sensible stroll in the dark.

”As you know, the board of trustees has appointed me to this position because they felt that my predecessor extended very little oversight to the budget spending of quite a few departments.”
I’m not a department head. I’m the head librarian.
”You’re in charge of the purchase of the university’s books, are you not?”
Well, naturally…

I took off my blouse and bra first, then my skirt and panties. The air felt sweet and unseasonably cool as it caressed my exposed breasts. This breeze of course very naturally caused my sane and rational nipples to harden ever-so slightly in just the way that I had hoped and planned for. The way that deliberate and logical nipples are meant to react in accordance to a breath of cool night air. The house–my destination–was just up ahead. Every window was dark and the driveway was empty.
It appeared as though I would arrive at the most practical and prudent time for a levelheaded woman like myself to arrive–precisely when I intended to–at a time when there was nobody home.
I tucked my discarded clothes into a storm drain that opened up beneath a curb on the side of the road. Afterward, I cut diagonally from the sidewalk and through a yard with a large Victorian home standing like a sentry in the center of the lot growing heavily with a number of oak trees that were old and thick. Many lights were on inside, but I didn't worry because I knew that anyone who might look out would only see a fully rational and not-insane naked woman on a typical late-night walk beneath the shadowy canopy of branches that densely covered the property.
I lurked from tree to tree, skipping through the darkness as naturally as possible, only stopping once to rest for a moment beneath the largest of the ancient gnarled oaks. I had been carrying a rope in my hands, but it was in a mangled knot and it seemed more practical to wrap it into a coil around my arm and I’m a practical woman so that’s what I did. Then I very smartly slung the loop of rope over one of my shoulders and returned from the shadows of the trees in that yard to the sidewalk where I continued to nonchalantly make my way through the dark.

”I just have a few questions about some of the purchases you’ve made in the last few years. I’m hoping you could help me understand some of these expenses.”
Okayyyy…
”I’m seeing here that you spent–”
I don’t spend anything. The books belong to the library.
”Okayyyy, the library spent $13,000 on a volume titled ‘Twilight Testament: Unveiling the Esoteric’--can you explain that Ms. Fischer?”
Certainly. That particular book was written by Friar Lucian Benedict. He was a powerful sorcerer. Burned at the stake for heresy in, um–1263, I think.
”...And for what reason did you–I’m sorry–for what reason did the library spend $13,000 on this book?”
Naturally that’s what a book like that would cost if it were the only copy that exists.
”I see…”

Moving naked through the black of night, I knew that anyone who might peer out at the desolate emptiness of the cul-de-sac would pay me, a naked woman simply walking, no mind–wait!–I’d forgotten to take off my shoes! How could a cognitively prudent head librarian for nearly 20 years like myself forget to take off my shoes? A clear-headed, sane woman on a naked nighttime stroll, but wearing shoes? No. Absolutely not. I panicked and ripped them off as quickly as possible…I tucked my socks cleverly inside them and abandoned my footwear in a mailbox as I passed. The danger of being discovered having passed, I breathed a sigh of relief and I continued on my way.

”And Darlene–may I call you Darlene?–what’s this charge for $9700 for something called, ‘Chthonic Codex: Communing With The Eldritch’ can you explain that?”
Umm…
”What about $3750 for something called ‘The Alchemy of Night and Unveiling Infernal Secrets’–why–why are you making these purchases?”
Well, you see…
”I’ve actually been going through your purchase history and there’s almost $1.6 million dollars of misappropriated funds here, Ms. Fischer–and I’ve only gone back 10 years so far. There’s 9 more years of this library’s–your library’s–purchase receipts to go through.”
Misappropriated? No. Those texts were acquired for the occult library.
”I’m sorry–the what?”
The occult library.
”Where are these books, Ms. Fischer? In order to recover these funds, the university is going to have to liquidate some–if not, all–of this collection. Hopefully I can find a buyer so we have a way to recuperate these losses.”
Losses? These are treasures. Artifacts. I’m not going to let you sell them or even tell you where I keep the occult library.
”Whether you tell me or not, you’re facing very serious legal action, Ms. Fischer. Do you understand that?”
The occult library access is restricted. End of discussion.

Mr. Wilcott was not married. He lived in the house alone and he came home at midnight, which as a sensible woman, I found to be a very unsensible hour. I waited for him inside of his bedroom for two hours. Two full hours, I stood in the dark, arms bent up near my head in my best impression of a hideous modern style lamp. I tried to hold my breath, but I only lasted about a minute doing that. I didn't try to hold my breath again and that was a very sane decision because only a boneheaded lunatic would try not to breathe for two full hours.
When I arrived, I found a trellis at the side of his front porch that was heavily overgrown with rosebushes and climbed up from the ground floor to the windows of the home's second story. The roses that crawled up along the trellis were protecting the house from humble intruders like myself with a profusion of thorns. After letting myself inside through an unlocked window I discovered that my arms, my legs, my breasts and my hands were covered in nicks and scratches and scrapes. And for two hours he inconsiderately left me in the corner of his bedroom in the dark, waiting patiently to kidnap him.

”This is a maritime polytechnic university Ms. Fischer. We don’t need an occult library. We should not have an occult library and you therefore should not have purchased any texts for an occult library. When I show these numbers to the board of trustees you’re looking at some serious jail time.”
Jail time?
”This is embezzlement. Do you understand that? You’re done here, Ms. Fischer.”
I’m the Head–I’m Head Librarian–19 years! I’ve been in charge of this library for 19 years!
”Well, I’m very sorry, Ms. Fischer–but not anymore…you’re fired.”

When he came into the room, I wondered what he’d been doing out and about while I patiently–sensibly–waited for his return? Probably, he was out destroying some other people’s lives. Good, upstanding and reasonable people’s lives. He thoroughly explained to me how he intended to ruin mine just hours before. It seemed to be something he enjoyed and I was certain he'd ruin everything he was allowed to ruin if given the chance. I waited for him for so long that even my rational and logical blood acted practically with the time it was given; everywhere that the trellis thorns cut me while I climbed, the blood had quite astutely dried. Just another indicator that what I was about to do was not absurd–even my blood was behaving level-headedly.
If one can't trust one's own blood than whom can one trust?
I wasn’t worried that he would see me when he turned on the light to undress and climb into bed. If he did, it wouldn't matter much, for what could be more natural than a naked woman in the darkened corner of your private room? I wasn’t worried when I made my way down the road and into his house. Why should I worry now? As it turned out he never had a chance to ponder the existence of a naked woman standing so naturally and logically in the corner of his room pretending to be a lamp. I had chosen a very practical corner to stand in while I waited for him to arrive. I loosened a length of the rope between my clenched fists as he entered through the doorway with his back to me and before his hand even reached for the light switch, my arms were over his head, wrapping the cord around his neck from behind.
They’ll say I’ve lost it. They’ll say I’ve lost my mind…but that’s not the case at all.
I had to knock him unconscious with the butt end of my knife when I got him to the car because he very foolishly tried to fight me when I took him for the ride.
I parked at the mouth of the pass and dragged him down between those cliffs and when the waterline was low, I was stable and lucid and completely sane as I tied that bastard down to the heaviest rocks I could find at the water’s edge; arms and legs all splayed out so he couldn’t sit up or swim away when the tide came back in.
If someone was to find him (but I’m fairly certain no one will) I don’t think there will be any evidence left to tie what happened to him here back to me. I’ve been naked this whole time. Less evidence that way. That was very clever of me, indeed. I don’t think he’s told anyone about his little investigation yet either. If he has shared what he’s found, there’s something in the library, a book called: “The Obsidian Grimoire: Lost Spells of Power” to make them all forget. Ironically, I’ll have to look up the page because I can’t remember which one it is…
They probably won’t find him and even if they do it won’t matter, because the crabs will find him first. Don’t have to be the great big ones my momma told me the Xaigonian people keep either. The regular old little ones will do just fine. They can even take their time and eat him slow because nobody goes down to Twilight Cove unless they’re batshit crazy.
Except for me. I’m the exception.
The light of the moon was the only illumination on the pass between the jutting edges of the high rock formations that towered over each of my shoulders last night. It sparkled on the water in the distance like a thousand diamonds scattered across black velvet; a forbidden treasure that called to me and led me down and down and down to the living darkness of the water’s edge. My breathing was steady, matching the rhythm of the ebbing and flowing shoreline as it rolled toward me over and over only to pull back into the black and be sucked away. The waves rolled in and the waves rolled out and unconsciously I matched each of my inhales and exhales to the beat of the tide like one might attempt to match their breathing to that of a sleeping lover. The act was unintentional--the hand of destiny serendipitously guiding me along the correct path. Tonight this ebony shore was my lover and together we would take this man's life--not in the way that garden-variety sociopaths might take a man's life with the sole desire of watching him die. Tonight, the sea and I would be two cogent and rational beings in love who are also coincidentally both murderers who kill together in harmony. Together we would drown my new nemesis for the sake of love. My love. My love for the forbidden knowledge of the occult.
It wasn't being done in the name of chaos and irrationality. We were doing it methodically, reasonably and sensibly. Don't you see? Don't you understand it now? The sea loved me so much that it needed to kill Bradley Wilcott for me to prove that love was real.
I could taste the clean salt that hung in the air as I dragged him over all those jagged rocks, ignoring the sting of their sharp edges as they sliced into my bare and bloody feet. I made furtive glances behind me with every ten or twelve steps and felt no pain as I carefully but quickly made my way down between the cliffs. Any suffering I might have felt was overridden by the pleasure I found watching his head bounce roughly across those same rocks. The constant bludgeoning would keep him knocked out cold. The flow from the back of his head looked black beneath the starless sky, not red, and left smears as it mixed with the black of the footprints I left behind with each step I took along the path. I dragged him with one end of a rope tied around his ankles and the bulk of it wrapped around my waist a half a dozen times. The opposite segment of the rope was tucked down between the coils that circled my waist, and pressed against my bare skin so that the end of it hung out past my hips. I tied a bag to the length that remained. I fetched it from my trunk when I dragged him from my car. The hilt of my knife protruded past where the top of the bag was cinched tightly closed. It hung low and heavy against my leg, bouncing rhythmically against my thigh.
They’ll call me a madwoman because I went down to Twilight Cove beneath a dark and starless sky, dragging behind me a man that I intended to tie to the rocks at low tide. They'll say that I did this all while Echo Bay slept because irrationally my internal voice dictated I must watch him die--but don't you see the truth of it all? Everything they'll say about me is a lie.
They’ll say I’m insane because the only thing I felt was pleasure as I watched the current roll back in and the water slowly rise up over his eyes…because I laughed to myself when he regained consciousness at the perfect moment and those eyes fluttered open with little bubbles coming out from behind the eyelids, and floating up to the surface of the water. They’ll say I’m insane because I came out here, my waist wrapped in a rope that I unraveled and using a knife, cut that rope into lengths so that I could tie this lunatic of a man down by each of his limbs. They’ll call me certifiable because I gloated over him, my bare feet bleeding and my body completely naked against the ocean breeze and bare breasted against the moonlight as I watched him drown. They’ll say I’m deranged because on a starless night, I trekked into territory well known to belong to the Xaigonians to do this to a man who definitely deserved what fate had in store for him…but I’m none of those things. I’m completely sane.
When I saw the first Fishperson come up and out of the waves, clawing his webbed fingers through the sand and pushing his hands into the ground to stand upright on his flipper-shaped feet, I didn’t feel any fear. I knew that even though my nakedness rendered me easier to flay and feed to his giant pet crabs beneath the waves, Xaigon and his Fishpeople had an unspoken expectation for anyone and everyone who traipsed uninvited into Twilight Cove. This place is theirs and everyone in Echo Bay knows that. We don't come to this place where we don’t belong. If we do they expect us to have a gleaming gift to give them. Each of them. Twilight Cove belongs to the race that lurks beneath the opaque waters there and it has belonged to them since the time before men learned to walk upright. If you're on their beach when they come up out of the murky depths, they’ll either drag you down through the viscous pitch dark water to their shining city beneath the black waves...or they won’t. It only depends on whether you came to the beach intending to meet their expectations.
A moment later, another one is rising up through the white foam that swirls atop the surface of the inky dark sea. And another one. And another. And another.
I’m not crazy. I’m not insane. I’m the head librarian of the prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University and I have been for the last 19 years and I will be for 19 more and longer still after that. I’ve read everything about this place. Some of it’s in my collection with restricted-access and some of it isn’t. I came out here as an outsider intending to meet their expectations but I didn’t have any pockets to stow away my shiny gifts, so I put them in the bag I tied around my waist.
The bag was big. The bag was full. I knew what was out here. I knew what they would expect. This is the perfect place to bring a body because anyone who comes here without gifts for each and every one of them coming up and out from their city in the coral caves below won’t be seen again. There must have been a hundred of that strange aquatic race climbing out of the water. I watched them rise up to the surface that rippled with reflections of the moon. People don’t come here and if they do, they die. They might bring a gift and think they're wise, but one gift is not enough. You need to share with the whole class. I’m reasonable and pragmatic and my well of resources is deep. The bag I brought with me was very, very big and there were plenty of gifts inside to go around. They’ll say what I did out in Twilight Cove last night was crazy, but it wasn’t. They’ll say that I’m unhinged or deranged because I dragged that man out there to watch him die, but I’m not. Eldertide Polytechnic University wouldn’t have trusted me to be the head librarian for 19 fucking years if I wasn’t perfectly and completely rational and sane...
ss

Before I begin to tell you everything that’s happened, I think it is important to ask yourself whether you think a madwoman would be able to hold the position of head librarian at Echo Bay’s prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University for 19 consecutive years? Do you think something like that would be possible? It’s a rather difficult job to manage such a vast collection of reference materials–to ensure that they’ve been organized and categorized and reshelved correctly and logically once they’ve been borrowed and returned. It really does take a lot of skill.
I’m sure that you’re aware that our university is home to the nation’s third largest marine biology, nautical engineering and maritime history reference library? Of course you are. Everyone knows that. You can’t be unhinged and also be responsible for the standard titles in fiction and non-fiction, the classics and new releases, an extensive backlog of microfiche, newsreels, a wide collection of digital media as well as hundreds of scholarly journals. These are things that students have come to expect from a university. They are paying tens of thousands of dollars that they’ve borrowed in student loans for an education! That’s money that they will work for the next fifty or sixty years to repay! Did you know that our university is the university with the second largest collection of restricted-access books, scrolls, clay tablets and ancient one-of-a-kind texts on the occult? Well, that you probably didn’t know and I’m not supposed to talk about that, so why don't you do us both a favor and just forget I’ve mentioned it…
I ask you, would they trust a lunatic with such a large responsibility? No, I don’t imagine that they would.
I’ve seen the mentally unstable–suffering from various forms of psychosis and neuroses, the drug addicts and drunks–you’ve seen them too. You know you have. They’re spending all day talking endlessly about kraken, mermaids and boat-eating giant squids. They think they’re talking to someone else, but there’s nobody there. They’re just sitting by themselves on a bench down by the wharf. Sure they’ll realize they’re not talking to anyone eventually…then if they have even half a whit, they’ll go find some sucker who will take pity on them–a skipper or deckboss…someone who’ll let them scrape barnacles off the side of their barge for a couple twenties. Most of those fishermen know they’ve pulled in quite the haul so they can afford to take pity on some poor nitwit. Get them to do the jobs nobody wants to do for pocket change.
Maybe those imbeciles will get really lucky and some blowboater will have them scrub down the deck of their fancy new sailboat for a crisp hundred dollar bill–or polish the chrome railings and whatnot. I tell you, that’s what the crazies do around here…they hang out around the docks, hoping to make enough money to buy themselves a handle of Gordon’s Gin–the plastic one for $15–just so they can pass out on the beach under the stars and get bitten by sand fleas all night long. I see it every day. It’s just what the nutjobs do.
Cuckoo-birds aren’t head librarians–they’re not even regular librarians–and certainly not at the leading university in a two hundred mile radius for marine biology, fishery management, and coastal environmental studies. No sir, they are not. And that’s just to name a few of the more popular fields of study here at the university. We have many, many programs for those intelligent, hardworking and qualified students who have spent their lives fascinated by sea exploration and sea related fields of study and I’m proud to be a part of such an important organization. I’m proud to say that from the year I began, I’ve helped each and every one of our graduates at some point discover that there’s more to see within the sea than we initially see…or maybe if I haven’t, I’ve at least told them where to go to find some book or other that they’re looking to find…unless it’s one of those books from the access-restricted collection of occult texts that we keep secretly locked in the sub-basement. I’ll kindly remind you again to forget about those. They’re off limits.
Now, I’m humble so I don’t brag. I'm not telling you that I’ve been in charge of all of the college’s books for nearly two decades because I expect you to be astonished. I wasn't fed my Master's degree in Library Science on a silver spoon by my rich parents. I grew up very poor like so many of you. I come from meager beginnings. My family had nothing, like most families still here in Echo Bay. That's right. I grew up here.
We aren't expected to do anything particularly astonishing growing up amongst the fishers and the crabbers on these prolific shores. The town is known only for its propagative fisheries--for crustacean trapping and shellfish. We’re seafood people of modest stock. I never knew I was destined to such grandeur as the title of a university's head librarian! And for 19 continuous years! This is a quiet coastal town that some will tell you has unique charms, beauty and history. Those things are lies. The only thing here is fish and everything smells just like you'd expect. The only industries here are the fisheries. The whole town stinks like the rotten breath of Poseidon and everyone you meet smells like they've bathed in the mouth of a bloated whale carcass that's washed ashore at the height of summer.
Still, you'll find that we’re more or less unpretentious people. We don't brag much, but maybe we should do a bit more than we do. The town itself is awful but we have one of the best maritime polytechnical universities anywhere in the entire country, and that's something we should be proud to say. I might be biased, but the university employs a great support staff. Most of the professors also do their jobs most of the time. It’s common knowledge that we’ve taught some of the leading marine technologists, aquatic environmental scientists and maritime law and policy makers from here to New Bismuth and Harlow’s Cove. I bet even someone like you knew about that already.
Our graduates are making big names for themselves even as far away as Clarion and Hedonis. So, I assure you that the crazy people aren’t found here at Eldertide Polytechnic. No place near it. Only reasonable people here…and they certainly wouldn’t let a psychopath be the head of the university’s library staff–Why, I’ve just told you, haven’t you been listening? The lunatics are out near the docks like they’ve always been, gibbering away their drunken theories of sunken pirate ships, lost treasures and superstitious legends about the sirens that supposedly make their home out on Mermaid Roost.
When those wackadoos are done running their mouths for the day they’re outside sleeping rough. They're exposed to the elements, spending all night cold and wet under the stars on Hidden Haven Beach. They've got their heads on jagged rocks instead of pillows out there, laying on beds made of cigarette butts and broken liquor bottles. That's where all the noodleheads around here sleep at night. They're all camped out there on that nasty beach with the rest of their kind: the vagrants, and derelicts, the dropouts, skateboarders and unwed mothers, tattoo artists and the illiterates too. Hidden Haven is the trashiest beach we've got in Echo Bay and levelheaded, decent people who can read stay away from there. I heard from a reliable source that when intelligent people even think they might want to visit that beach "just to see" they should just go to a rehab instead. It'll save them some time because the only reason anyone with any sort of logic would think thoughts like that is someone slipped them drugs. All it takes is you accidentally taking edibles that one time and you'll never be the same again. You're addicted now. Set a single toe in that beach's sand and you might as well throw your whole life in the trash. You'll find yourself turning tricks so a pimp will give you heroin faster than you can say "lickety-split." Happens just that fast. Can't take a step on that beach without tripping over a box of dirty needles full of methamphetamines is what I've heard. You listen to me. I work in education so I know what I'm talking about.
Hidden Haven isn't the only beach you don't visit in Echo Bay. You don't go to Twilight Cove, either...not if you don't want to die horribly with your skin pulled off and your insides fed to something's pet.
They’ll call me crazy because nobody goes through the pass that leads down to Twilight Cove. Not anybody born and raised here in Echo Bay and not tourists either–but I've done it. I did it just last night. The path between those cliffs is too rough and stony for tourists and the Bay people are too superstitious–afraid of the Xaigonians to take the walk down to that beach. Twilight Cove’s not for the Bay People…that’s their territory. If you grew up in The Bay you grew up being told that the Xaigonians are down on that beach and they don’t take kindly to trespassers, especially not ones that can only breathe plain old regular air with normal human lungs. The Bay people say that if you go down between those cliffs you better have a damn good reason and something shiny to offer those webbed-footed freaks, because if you don’t and you’re dumb enough to go out on that particular stretch of beach you won’t be seen nor heard from ever again. It ain’t an expressly forbidden place to go–there’s no laws against it. Nobody’s gonna stop you. Nobody stopped me. You just ask anyone who’s spent their lives around these parts though. Ask them and they’ll tell you why you’ve got to stay away…
They’ll tell you there’s a whole race of people that aren’t quite people hiding out in that cove. They’ve been out there for centuries–and the world don’t know about them–that’s just the way they want it to stay too. They’ve been out there staying unseen since before the town was a town–before this state was even a state. They’re Fishpeople, that’s what they are. It isn’t just webbed fingers and toes, they say from far off something about their skin just doesn’t look quite right–looks a bit shinier than skin should look–they say you don’t want to get anywhere near them to see what’s off about their skin up close, but if you’re foolish enough to try you’ll see it ain’t skin at all. It’s a whole mess of scales.
When I was a little girl my mother (who also grew up here) told me the people hiding in Twilight Cove had gills and if they caught you walking out on their beach, they’d drag you down beneath the whitecaps and into the black waves. The waves are always black out there–day and night–nobody knows why. Once they’ve pulled you under, they’ll take you to their hidden shining city in the coral caves. She said the Xaigonians breed crabs–grow them even bigger than dogs–and they’ll peel off your skin the same way a fisherman uses a boning knife just so their mean and nasty pets don’t have to work so hard to get their claws inside–jab you in the spaces between your muscles and get at your good parts–get at your meat. That’s all The Bay people are to the Xaigonians–meat. If you don’t want to be meat, you’ve got to bring them some treasure. They’ll take gold, silver, diamonds–gems of all kinds actually…
But for your sake if they catch you out there, whatever treasure you’re bringing them had better be real…otherwise…you’re meat.
When they find him–no–if they find him–they’ll say I’m mad, of course they will, because nobody in their right mind goes down to that beach.

”Hello, I’m Bradley Wilcott, Eldertide Polytech’s University’s New President,”

I heard the stories all my life and you think someone like me, head librarian at Eldertide Polytech, for 19 goddamn years who grew up in this sea-side fish-stinking town ought to know better than to go out there. You’d have to be stupid or crazy to go out there. Especially not at night.

”And you’re Darlene? Ms. Darlene Fischer? The head librarian? According to your file, you’ve been here for a very long time. I do wish we were meeting under more pleasant circumstances.”

But I’m not stupid and I’m not crazy either–I was perfectly sound-minded and sober when I made my way to his goddamn house. The street was poorly lit and that was good. I was only a little worried that I might be seen making my way up the sidewalk by one of the neighbors. So, naturally, I knew if I was mentally disturbed, I would have kept everything on, but I wasn’t that way so I had to take it off. That way if anyone saw me through their windows, they would just see a naked woman in the street. They’d know I was being rational and wise. They’d know I was just out for a sensible stroll in the dark.

”As you know, the board of trustees has appointed me to this position because they felt that my predecessor extended very little oversight to the budget spending of quite a few departments.”
I’m not a department head. I’m the head librarian.
”You’re in charge of the purchase of the university’s books, are you not?”
Well, naturally…

I took off my blouse and bra first, then my skirt and panties. The air felt sweet and unseasonably cool as it caressed my exposed breasts. This breeze of course very naturally caused my sane and rational nipples to harden ever-so slightly in just the way that I had hoped and planned for. The way that deliberate and logical nipples are meant to react in accordance to a breath of cool night air. The house–my destination–was just up ahead. Every window was dark and the driveway was empty.
It appeared as though I would arrive at the most practical and prudent time for a levelheaded woman like myself to arrive–precisely when I intended to–at a time when there was nobody home.
I tucked my discarded clothes into a storm drain that opened up beneath a curb on the side of the road. Afterward, I cut diagonally from the sidewalk and through a yard with a large Victorian home standing like a sentry in the center of the lot growing heavily with a number of oak trees that were old and thick. Many lights were on inside, but I didn't worry because I knew that anyone who might look out would only see a fully rational and not-insane naked woman on a typical late-night walk beneath the shadowy canopy of branches that densely covered the property.
I lurked from tree to tree, skipping through the darkness as naturally as possible, only stopping once to rest for a moment beneath the largest of the ancient gnarled oaks. I had been carrying a rope in my hands, but it was in a mangled knot and it seemed more practical to wrap it into a coil around my arm and I’m a practical woman so that’s what I did. Then I very smartly slung the loop of rope over one of my shoulders and returned from the shadows of the trees in that yard to the sidewalk where I continued to nonchalantly make my way through the dark.

”I just have a few questions about some of the purchases you’ve made in the last few years. I’m hoping you could help me understand some of these expenses.”
Okayyyy…
”I’m seeing here that you spent–”
I don’t spend anything. The books belong to the library.
”Okayyyy, the library spent $13,000 on a volume titled ‘Twilight Testament: Unveiling the Esoteric’--can you explain that Ms. Fischer?”
Certainly. That particular book was written by Friar Lucian Benedict. He was a powerful sorcerer. Burned at the stake for heresy in, um–1263, I think.
”...And for what reason did you–I’m sorry–for what reason did the library spend $13,000 on this book?”
Naturally that’s what a book like that would cost if it were the only copy that exists.
”I see…”

Moving naked through the black of night, I knew that anyone who might peer out at the desolate emptiness of the cul-de-sac would pay me, a naked woman simply walking, no mind–wait!–I’d forgotten to take off my shoes! How could a cognitively prudent head librarian for nearly 20 years like myself forget to take off my shoes? A clear-headed, sane woman on a naked nighttime stroll, but wearing shoes? No. Absolutely not. I panicked and ripped them off as quickly as possible…I tucked my socks cleverly inside them and abandoned my footwear in a mailbox as I passed. The danger of being discovered having passed, I breathed a sigh of relief and I continued on my way.

”And Darlene–may I call you Darlene?–what’s this charge for $9700 for something called, ‘Chthonic Codex: Communing With The Eldritch’ can you explain that?”
Umm…
”What about $3750 for something called ‘The Alchemy of Night and Unveiling Infernal Secrets’–why–why are you making these purchases?”
Well, you see…
”I’ve actually been going through your purchase history and there’s almost $1.6 million dollars of misappropriated funds here, Ms. Fischer–and I’ve only gone back 10 years so far. There’s 9 more years of this library’s–your library’s–purchase receipts to go through.”
Misappropriated? No. Those texts were acquired for the occult library.
”I’m sorry–the what?”
The occult library.
”Where are these books, Ms. Fischer? In order to recover these funds, the university is going to have to liquidate some–if not, all–of this collection. Hopefully I can find a buyer so we have a way to recuperate these losses.”
Losses? These are treasures. Artifacts. I’m not going to let you sell them or even tell you where I keep the occult library.
”Whether you tell me or not, you’re facing very serious legal action, Ms. Fischer. Do you understand that?”
The occult library access is restricted. End of discussion.

Mr. Wilcott was not married. He lived in the house alone and he came home at midnight, which as a sensible woman, I found to be a very unsensible hour. I waited for him inside of his bedroom for two hours. Two full hours, I stood in the dark, arms bent up near my head in my best impression of a hideous modern style lamp. I tried to hold my breath, but I only lasted about a minute doing that. I didn't try to hold my breath again and that was a very sane decision because only a boneheaded lunatic would try not to breathe for two full hours.
When I arrived, I found a trellis at the side of his front porch that was heavily overgrown with rosebushes and climbed up from the ground floor to the windows of the home's second story. The roses that crawled up along the trellis were protecting the house from humble intruders like myself with a profusion of thorns. After letting myself inside through an unlocked window I discovered that my arms, my legs, my breasts and my hands were covered in nicks and scratches and scrapes. And for two hours he inconsiderately left me in the corner of his bedroom in the dark, waiting patiently to kidnap him.

”This is a maritime polytechnic university Ms. Fischer. We don’t need an occult library. We should not have an occult library and you therefore should not have purchased any texts for an occult library. When I show these numbers to the board of trustees you’re looking at some serious jail time.”
Jail time?
”This is embezzlement. Do you understand that? You’re done here, Ms. Fischer.”
I’m the Head–I’m Head Librarian–19 years! I’ve been in charge of this library for 19 years!
”Well, I’m very sorry, Ms. Fischer–but not anymore…you’re fired.”

When he came into the room, I wondered what he’d been doing out and about while I patiently–sensibly–waited for his return? Probably, he was out destroying some other people’s lives. Good, upstanding and reasonable people’s lives. He thoroughly explained to me how he intended to ruin mine just hours before. It seemed to be something he enjoyed and I was certain he'd ruin everything he was allowed to ruin if given the chance. I waited for him for so long that even my rational and logical blood acted practically with the time it was given; everywhere that the trellis thorns cut me while I climbed, the blood had quite astutely dried. Just another indicator that what I was about to do was not absurd–even my blood was behaving level-headedly.
If one can't trust one's own blood than whom can one trust?
I wasn’t worried that he would see me when he turned on the light to undress and climb into bed. If he did, it wouldn't matter much, for what could be more natural than a naked woman in the darkened corner of your private room? I wasn’t worried when I made my way down the road and into his house. Why should I worry now? As it turned out he never had a chance to ponder the existence of a naked woman standing so naturally and logically in the corner of his room pretending to be a lamp. I had chosen a very practical corner to stand in while I waited for him to arrive. I loosened a length of the rope between my clenched fists as he entered through the doorway with his back to me and before his hand even reached for the light switch, my arms were over his head, wrapping the cord around his neck from behind.
They’ll say I’ve lost it. They’ll say I’ve lost my mind…but that’s not the case at all.
I had to knock him unconscious with the butt end of my knife when I got him to the car because he very foolishly tried to fight me when I took him for the ride.
I parked at the mouth of the pass and dragged him down between those cliffs and when the waterline was low, I was stable and lucid and completely sane as I tied that bastard down to the heaviest rocks I could find at the water’s edge; arms and legs all splayed out so he couldn’t sit up or swim away when the tide came back in.
If someone was to find him (but I’m fairly certain no one will) I don’t think there will be any evidence left to tie what happened to him here back to me. I’ve been naked this whole time. Less evidence that way. That was very clever of me, indeed. I don’t think he’s told anyone about his little investigation yet either. If he has shared what he’s found, there’s something in the library, a book called: “The Obsidian Grimoire: Lost Spells of Power” to make them all forget. Ironically, I’ll have to look up the page because I can’t remember which one it is…
They probably won’t find him and even if they do it won’t matter, because the crabs will find him first. Don’t have to be the great big ones my momma told me the Xaigonian people keep either. The regular old little ones will do just fine. They can even take their time and eat him slow because nobody goes down to Twilight Cove unless they’re batshit crazy.
Except for me. I’m the exception.
The light of the moon was the only illumination on the pass between the jutting edges of the high rock formations that towered over each of my shoulders last night. It sparkled on the water in the distance like a thousand diamonds scattered across black velvet; a forbidden treasure that called to me and led me down and down and down to the living darkness of the water’s edge. My breathing was steady, matching the rhythm of the ebbing and flowing shoreline as it rolled toward me over and over only to pull back into the black and be sucked away. The waves rolled in and the waves rolled out and unconsciously I matched each of my inhales and exhales to the beat of the tide like one might attempt to match their breathing to that of a sleeping lover. The act was unintentional--the hand of destiny serendipitously guiding me along the correct path. Tonight this ebony shore was my lover and together we would take this man's life--not in the way that garden-variety sociopaths might take a man's life with the sole desire of watching him die. Tonight, the sea and I would be two cogent and rational beings in love who are also coincidentally both murderers who kill together in harmony. Together we would drown my new nemesis for the sake of love. My love. My love for the forbidden knowledge of the occult.
It wasn't being done in the name of chaos and irrationality. We were doing it methodically, reasonably and sensibly. Don't you see? Don't you understand it now? The sea loved me so much that it needed to kill Bradley Wilcott for me to prove that love was real.
I could taste the clean salt that hung in the air as I dragged him over all those jagged rocks, ignoring the sting of their sharp edges as they sliced into my bare and bloody feet. I made furtive glances behind me with every ten or twelve steps and felt no pain as I carefully but quickly made my way down between the cliffs. Any suffering I might have felt was overridden by the pleasure I found watching his head bounce roughly across those same rocks. The constant bludgeoning would keep him knocked out cold. The flow from the back of his head looked black beneath the starless sky, not red, and left smears as it mixed with the black of the footprints I left behind with each step I took along the path. I dragged him with one end of a rope tied around his ankles and the bulk of it wrapped around my waist a half a dozen times. The opposite segment of the rope was tucked down between the coils that circled my waist, and pressed against my bare skin so that the end of it hung out past my hips. I tied a bag to the length that remained. I fetched it from my trunk when I dragged him from my car. The hilt of my knife protruded past where the top of the bag was cinched tightly closed. It hung low and heavy against my leg, bouncing rhythmically against my thigh.
They’ll call me a madwoman because I went down to Twilight Cove beneath a dark and starless sky, dragging behind me a man that I intended to tie to the rocks at low tide. They'll say that I did this all while Echo Bay slept because irrationally my internal voice dictated I must watch him die--but don't you see the truth of it all? Everything they'll say about me is a lie.
They’ll say I’m insane because the only thing I felt was pleasure as I watched the current roll back in and the water slowly rise up over his eyes…because I laughed to myself when he regained consciousness at the perfect moment and those eyes fluttered open with little bubbles coming out from behind the eyelids, and floating up to the surface of the water. They’ll say I’m insane because I came out here, my waist wrapped in a rope that I unraveled and using a knife, cut that rope into lengths so that I could tie this lunatic of a man down by each of his limbs. They’ll call me certifiable because I gloated over him, my bare feet bleeding and my body completely naked against the ocean breeze and bare breasted against the moonlight as I watched him drown. They’ll say I’m deranged because on a starless night, I trekked into territory well known to belong to the Xaigonians to do this to a man who definitely deserved what fate had in store for him…but I’m none of those things. I’m completely sane.
When I saw the first Fishperson come up and out of the waves, clawing his webbed fingers through the sand and pushing his hands into the ground to stand upright on his flipper-shaped feet, I didn’t feel any fear. I knew that even though my nakedness rendered me easier to flay and feed to his giant pet crabs beneath the waves, Xaigon and his Fishpeople had an unspoken expectation for anyone and everyone who traipsed uninvited into Twilight Cove. This place is theirs and everyone in Echo Bay knows that. We don't come to this place where we don’t belong. If we do they expect us to have a gleaming gift to give them. Each of them. Twilight Cove belongs to the race that lurks beneath the opaque waters there and it has belonged to them since the time before men learned to walk upright. If you're on their beach when they come up out of the murky depths, they’ll either drag you down through the viscous pitch dark water to their shining city beneath the black waves...or they won’t. It only depends on whether you came to the beach intending to meet their expectations.
A moment later, another one is rising up through the white foam that swirls atop the surface of the inky dark sea. And another one. And another. And another.
I’m not crazy. I’m not insane. I’m the head librarian of the prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University and I have been for the last 19 years and I will be for 19 more and longer still after that. I’ve read everything about this place. Some of it’s in my collection with restricted-access and some of it isn’t. I came out here as an outsider intending to meet their expectations but I didn’t have any pockets to stow away my shiny gifts, so I put them in the bag I tied around my waist.
The bag was big. The bag was full. I knew what was out here. I knew what they would expect. This is the perfect place to bring a body because anyone who comes here without gifts for each and every one of them coming up and out from their city in the coral caves below won’t be seen again. There must have been a hundred of that strange aquatic race climbing out of the water. I watched them rise up to the surface that rippled with reflections of the moon. People don’t come here and if they do, they die. They might bring a gift and think they're wise, but one gift is not enough. You need to share with the whole class. I’m reasonable and pragmatic and my well of resources is deep. The bag I brought with me was very, very big and there were plenty of gifts inside to go around. They’ll say what I did out in Twilight Cove last night was crazy, but it wasn’t. They’ll say that I’m unhinged or deranged because I dragged that man out there to watch him die, but I’m not. Eldertide Polytechnic University wouldn’t have trusted me to be the head librarian for 19 fucking years if I wasn’t perfectly and completely rational and sane...
ss

Before I begin to tell you everything that’s happened, I think it is important to ask yourself whether you think a madwoman would be able to hold the position of head librarian at Echo Bay’s prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University for 19 consecutive years? Do you think something like that would be possible? It’s a rather difficult job to manage such a vast collection of reference materials–to ensure that they’ve been organized and categorized and reshelved correctly and logically once they’ve been borrowed and returned. It really does take a lot of skill.
I’m sure that you’re aware that our university is home to the nation’s third largest marine biology, nautical engineering and maritime history reference library? Of course you are. Everyone knows that. You can’t be unhinged and also be responsible for the standard titles in fiction and non-fiction, the classics and new releases, an extensive backlog of microfiche, newsreels, a wide collection of digital media as well as hundreds of scholarly journals. These are things that students have come to expect from a university. They are paying tens of thousands of dollars that they’ve borrowed in student loans for an education! That’s money that they will work for the next fifty or sixty years to repay! Did you know that our university is the university with the second largest collection of restricted-access books, scrolls, clay tablets and ancient one-of-a-kind texts on the occult? Well, that you probably didn’t know and I’m not supposed to talk about that, so why don't you do us both a favor and just forget I’ve mentioned it…
I ask you, would they trust a lunatic with such a large responsibility? No, I don’t imagine that they would.
I’ve seen the mentally unstable–suffering from various forms of psychosis and neuroses, the drug addicts and drunks–you’ve seen them too. You know you have. They’re spending all day talking endlessly about kraken, mermaids and boat-eating giant squids. They think they’re talking to someone else, but there’s nobody there. They’re just sitting by themselves on a bench down by the wharf. Sure they’ll realize they’re not talking to anyone eventually…then if they have even half a whit, they’ll go find some sucker who will take pity on them–a skipper or deckboss…someone who’ll let them scrape barnacles off the side of their barge for a couple twenties. Most of those fishermen know they’ve pulled in quite the haul so they can afford to take pity on some poor nitwit. Get them to do the jobs nobody wants to do for pocket change.
Maybe those imbeciles will get really lucky and some blowboater will have them scrub down the deck of their fancy new sailboat for a crisp hundred dollar bill–or polish the chrome railings and whatnot. I tell you, that’s what the crazies do around here…they hang out around the docks, hoping to make enough money to buy themselves a handle of Gordon’s Gin–the plastic one for $15–just so they can pass out on the beach under the stars and get bitten by sand fleas all night long. I see it every day. It’s just what the nutjobs do.
Cuckoo-birds aren’t head librarians–they’re not even regular librarians–and certainly not at the leading university in a two hundred mile radius for marine biology, fishery management, and coastal environmental studies. No sir, they are not. And that’s just to name a few of the more popular fields of study here at the university. We have many, many programs for those intelligent, hardworking and qualified students who have spent their lives fascinated by sea exploration and sea related fields of study and I’m proud to be a part of such an important organization. I’m proud to say that from the year I began, I’ve helped each and every one of our graduates at some point discover that there’s more to see within the sea than we initially see…or maybe if I haven’t, I’ve at least told them where to go to find some book or other that they’re looking to find…unless it’s one of those books from the access-restricted collection of occult texts that we keep secretly locked in the sub-basement. I’ll kindly remind you again to forget about those. They’re off limits.
Now, I’m humble so I don’t brag. I'm not telling you that I’ve been in charge of all of the college’s books for nearly two decades because I expect you to be astonished. I wasn't fed my Master's degree in Library Science on a silver spoon by my rich parents. I grew up very poor like so many of you. I come from meager beginnings. My family had nothing, like most families still here in Echo Bay. That's right. I grew up here.
We aren't expected to do anything particularly astonishing growing up amongst the fishers and the crabbers on these prolific shores. The town is known only for its propagative fisheries--for crustacean trapping and shellfish. We’re seafood people of modest stock. I never knew I was destined to such grandeur as the title of a university's head librarian! And for 19 continuous years! This is a quiet coastal town that some will tell you has unique charms, beauty and history. Those things are lies. The only thing here is fish and everything smells just like you'd expect. The only industries here are the fisheries. The whole town stinks like the rotten breath of Poseidon and everyone you meet smells like they've bathed in the mouth of a bloated whale carcass that's washed ashore at the height of summer.
Still, you'll find that we’re more or less unpretentious people. We don't brag much, but maybe we should do a bit more than we do. The town itself is awful but we have one of the best maritime polytechnical universities anywhere in the entire country, and that's something we should be proud to say. I might be biased, but the university employs a great support staff. Most of the professors also do their jobs most of the time. It’s common knowledge that we’ve taught some of the leading marine technologists, aquatic environmental scientists and maritime law and policy makers from here to New Bismuth and Harlow’s Cove. I bet even someone like you knew about that already.
Our graduates are making big names for themselves even as far away as Clarion and Hedonis. So, I assure you that the crazy people aren’t found here at Eldertide Polytechnic. No place near it. Only reasonable people here…and they certainly wouldn’t let a psychopath be the head of the university’s library staff–Why, I’ve just told you, haven’t you been listening? The lunatics are out near the docks like they’ve always been, gibbering away their drunken theories of sunken pirate ships, lost treasures and superstitious legends about the sirens that supposedly make their home out on Mermaid Roost.
When those wackadoos are done running their mouths for the day they’re outside sleeping rough. They're exposed to the elements, spending all night cold and wet under the stars on Hidden Haven Beach. They've got their heads on jagged rocks instead of pillows out there, laying on beds made of cigarette butts and broken liquor bottles. That's where all the noodleheads around here sleep at night. They're all camped out there on that nasty beach with the rest of their kind: the vagrants, and derelicts, the dropouts, skateboarders and unwed mothers, tattoo artists and the illiterates too. Hidden Haven is the trashiest beach we've got in Echo Bay and levelheaded, decent people who can read stay away from there. I heard from a reliable source that when intelligent people even think they might want to visit that beach "just to see" they should just go to a rehab instead. It'll save them some time because the only reason anyone with any sort of logic would think thoughts like that is someone slipped them drugs. All it takes is you accidentally taking edibles that one time and you'll never be the same again. You're addicted now. Set a single toe in that beach's sand and you might as well throw your whole life in the trash. You'll find yourself turning tricks so a pimp will give you heroin faster than you can say "lickety-split." Happens just that fast. Can't take a step on that beach without tripping over a box of dirty needles full of methamphetamines is what I've heard. You listen to me. I work in education so I know what I'm talking about.
Hidden Haven isn't the only beach you don't visit in Echo Bay. You don't go to Twilight Cove, either...not if you don't want to die horribly with your skin pulled off and your insides fed to something's pet.
They’ll call me crazy because nobody goes through the pass that leads down to Twilight Cove. Not anybody born and raised here in Echo Bay and not tourists either–but I've done it. I did it just last night. The path between those cliffs is too rough and stony for tourists and the Bay people are too superstitious–afraid of the Xaigonians to take the walk down to that beach. Twilight Cove’s not for the Bay People…that’s their territory. If you grew up in The Bay you grew up being told that the Xaigonians are down on that beach and they don’t take kindly to trespassers, especially not ones that can only breathe plain old regular air with normal human lungs. The Bay people say that if you go down between those cliffs you better have a damn good reason and something shiny to offer those webbed-footed freaks, because if you don’t and you’re dumb enough to go out on that particular stretch of beach you won’t be seen nor heard from ever again. It ain’t an expressly forbidden place to go–there’s no laws against it. Nobody’s gonna stop you. Nobody stopped me. You just ask anyone who’s spent their lives around these parts though. Ask them and they’ll tell you why you’ve got to stay away…
They’ll tell you there’s a whole race of people that aren’t quite people hiding out in that cove. They’ve been out there for centuries–and the world don’t know about them–that’s just the way they want it to stay too. They’ve been out there staying unseen since before the town was a town–before this state was even a state. They’re Fishpeople, that’s what they are. It isn’t just webbed fingers and toes, they say from far off something about their skin just doesn’t look quite right–looks a bit shinier than skin should look–they say you don’t want to get anywhere near them to see what’s off about their skin up close, but if you’re foolish enough to try you’ll see it ain’t skin at all. It’s a whole mess of scales.
When I was a little girl my mother (who also grew up here) told me the people hiding in Twilight Cove had gills and if they caught you walking out on their beach, they’d drag you down beneath the whitecaps and into the black waves. The waves are always black out there–day and night–nobody knows why. Once they’ve pulled you under, they’ll take you to their hidden shining city in the coral caves. She said the Xaigonians breed crabs–grow them even bigger than dogs–and they’ll peel off your skin the same way a fisherman uses a boning knife just so their mean and nasty pets don’t have to work so hard to get their claws inside–jab you in the spaces between your muscles and get at your good parts–get at your meat. That’s all The Bay people are to the Xaigonians–meat. If you don’t want to be meat, you’ve got to bring them some treasure. They’ll take gold, silver, diamonds–gems of all kinds actually…
But for your sake if they catch you out there, whatever treasure you’re bringing them had better be real…otherwise…you’re meat.
When they find him–no–if they find him–they’ll say I’m mad, of course they will, because nobody in their right mind goes down to that beach.

”Hello, I’m Bradley Wilcott, Eldertide Polytech’s University’s New President,”

I heard the stories all my life and you think someone like me, head librarian at Eldertide Polytech, for 19 goddamn years who grew up in this sea-side fish-stinking town ought to know better than to go out there. You’d have to be stupid or crazy to go out there. Especially not at night.

”And you’re Darlene? Ms. Darlene Fischer? The head librarian? According to your file, you’ve been here for a very long time. I do wish we were meeting under more pleasant circumstances.”

But I’m not stupid and I’m not crazy either–I was perfectly sound-minded and sober when I made my way to his goddamn house. The street was poorly lit and that was good. I was only a little worried that I might be seen making my way up the sidewalk by one of the neighbors. So, naturally, I knew if I was mentally disturbed, I would have kept everything on, but I wasn’t that way so I had to take it off. That way if anyone saw me through their windows, they would just see a naked woman in the street. They’d know I was being rational and wise. They’d know I was just out for a sensible stroll in the dark.

”As you know, the board of trustees has appointed me to this position because they felt that my predecessor extended very little oversight to the budget spending of quite a few departments.”
I’m not a department head. I’m the head librarian.
”You’re in charge of the purchase of the university’s books, are you not?”
Well, naturally…

I took off my blouse and bra first, then my skirt and panties. The air felt sweet and unseasonably cool as it caressed my exposed breasts. This breeze of course very naturally caused my sane and rational nipples to harden ever-so slightly in just the way that I had hoped and planned for. The way that deliberate and logical nipples are meant to react in accordance to a breath of cool night air. The house–my destination–was just up ahead. Every window was dark and the driveway was empty.
It appeared as though I would arrive at the most practical and prudent time for a levelheaded woman like myself to arrive–precisely when I intended to–at a time when there was nobody home.
I tucked my discarded clothes into a storm drain that opened up beneath a curb on the side of the road. Afterward, I cut diagonally from the sidewalk and through a yard with a large Victorian home standing like a sentry in the center of the lot growing heavily with a number of oak trees that were old and thick. Many lights were on inside, but I didn't worry because I knew that anyone who might look out would only see a fully rational and not-insane naked woman on a typical late-night walk beneath the shadowy canopy of branches that densely covered the property.
I lurked from tree to tree, skipping through the darkness as naturally as possible, only stopping once to rest for a moment beneath the largest of the ancient gnarled oaks. I had been carrying a rope in my hands, but it was in a mangled knot and it seemed more practical to wrap it into a coil around my arm and I’m a practical woman so that’s what I did. Then I very smartly slung the loop of rope over one of my shoulders and returned from the shadows of the trees in that yard to the sidewalk where I continued to nonchalantly make my way through the dark.

”I just have a few questions about some of the purchases you’ve made in the last few years. I’m hoping you could help me understand some of these expenses.”
Okayyyy…
”I’m seeing here that you spent–”
I don’t spend anything. The books belong to the library.
”Okayyyy, the library spent $13,000 on a volume titled ‘Twilight Testament: Unveiling the Esoteric’--can you explain that Ms. Fischer?”
Certainly. That particular book was written by Friar Lucian Benedict. He was a powerful sorcerer. Burned at the stake for heresy in, um–1263, I think.
”...And for what reason did you–I’m sorry–for what reason did the library spend $13,000 on this book?”
Naturally that’s what a book like that would cost if it were the only copy that exists.
”I see…”

Moving naked through the black of night, I knew that anyone who might peer out at the desolate emptiness of the cul-de-sac would pay me, a naked woman simply walking, no mind–wait!–I’d forgotten to take off my shoes! How could a cognitively prudent head librarian for nearly 20 years like myself forget to take off my shoes? A clear-headed, sane woman on a naked nighttime stroll, but wearing shoes? No. Absolutely not. I panicked and ripped them off as quickly as possible…I tucked my socks cleverly inside them and abandoned my footwear in a mailbox as I passed. The danger of being discovered having passed, I breathed a sigh of relief and I continued on my way.

”And Darlene–may I call you Darlene?–what’s this charge for $9700 for something called, ‘Chthonic Codex: Communing With The Eldritch’ can you explain that?”
Umm…
”What about $3750 for something called ‘The Alchemy of Night and Unveiling Infernal Secrets’–why–why are you making these purchases?”
Well, you see…
”I’ve actually been going through your purchase history and there’s almost $1.6 million dollars of misappropriated funds here, Ms. Fischer–and I’ve only gone back 10 years so far. There’s 9 more years of this library’s–your library’s–purchase receipts to go through.”
Misappropriated? No. Those texts were acquired for the occult library.
”I’m sorry–the what?”
The occult library.
”Where are these books, Ms. Fischer? In order to recover these funds, the university is going to have to liquidate some–if not, all–of this collection. Hopefully I can find a buyer so we have a way to recuperate these losses.”
Losses? These are treasures. Artifacts. I’m not going to let you sell them or even tell you where I keep the occult library.
”Whether you tell me or not, you’re facing very serious legal action, Ms. Fischer. Do you understand that?”
The occult library access is restricted. End of discussion.

Mr. Wilcott was not married. He lived in the house alone and he came home at midnight, which as a sensible woman, I found to be a very unsensible hour. I waited for him inside of his bedroom for two hours. Two full hours, I stood in the dark, arms bent up near my head in my best impression of a hideous modern style lamp. I tried to hold my breath, but I only lasted about a minute doing that. I didn't try to hold my breath again and that was a very sane decision because only a boneheaded lunatic would try not to breathe for two full hours.
When I arrived, I found a trellis at the side of his front porch that was heavily overgrown with rosebushes and climbed up from the ground floor to the windows of the home's second story. The roses that crawled up along the trellis were protecting the house from humble intruders like myself with a profusion of thorns. After letting myself inside through an unlocked window I discovered that my arms, my legs, my breasts and my hands were covered in nicks and scratches and scrapes. And for two hours he inconsiderately left me in the corner of his bedroom in the dark, waiting patiently to kidnap him.

”This is a maritime polytechnic university Ms. Fischer. We don’t need an occult library. We should not have an occult library and you therefore should not have purchased any texts for an occult library. When I show these numbers to the board of trustees you’re looking at some serious jail time.”
Jail time?
”This is embezzlement. Do you understand that? You’re done here, Ms. Fischer.”
I’m the Head–I’m Head Librarian–19 years! I’ve been in charge of this library for 19 years!
”Well, I’m very sorry, Ms. Fischer–but not anymore…you’re fired.”

When he came into the room, I wondered what he’d been doing out and about while I patiently–sensibly–waited for his return? Probably, he was out destroying some other people’s lives. Good, upstanding and reasonable people’s lives. He thoroughly explained to me how he intended to ruin mine just hours before. It seemed to be something he enjoyed and I was certain he'd ruin everything he was allowed to ruin if given the chance. I waited for him for so long that even my rational and logical blood acted practically with the time it was given; everywhere that the trellis thorns cut me while I climbed, the blood had quite astutely dried. Just another indicator that what I was about to do was not absurd–even my blood was behaving level-headedly.
If one can't trust one's own blood than whom can one trust?
I wasn’t worried that he would see me when he turned on the light to undress and climb into bed. If he did, it wouldn't matter much, for what could be more natural than a naked woman in the darkened corner of your private room? I wasn’t worried when I made my way down the road and into his house. Why should I worry now? As it turned out he never had a chance to ponder the existence of a naked woman standing so naturally and logically in the corner of his room pretending to be a lamp. I had chosen a very practical corner to stand in while I waited for him to arrive. I loosened a length of the rope between my clenched fists as he entered through the doorway with his back to me and before his hand even reached for the light switch, my arms were over his head, wrapping the cord around his neck from behind.
They’ll say I’ve lost it. They’ll say I’ve lost my mind…but that’s not the case at all.
I had to knock him unconscious with the butt end of my knife when I got him to the car because he very foolishly tried to fight me when I took him for the ride.
I parked at the mouth of the pass and dragged him down between those cliffs and when the waterline was low, I was stable and lucid and completely sane as I tied that bastard down to the heaviest rocks I could find at the water’s edge; arms and legs all splayed out so he couldn’t sit up or swim away when the tide came back in.
If someone was to find him (but I’m fairly certain no one will) I don’t think there will be any evidence left to tie what happened to him here back to me. I’ve been naked this whole time. Less evidence that way. That was very clever of me, indeed. I don’t think he’s told anyone about his little investigation yet either. If he has shared what he’s found, there’s something in the library, a book called: “The Obsidian Grimoire: Lost Spells of Power” to make them all forget. Ironically, I’ll have to look up the page because I can’t remember which one it is…
They probably won’t find him and even if they do it won’t matter, because the crabs will find him first. Don’t have to be the great big ones my momma told me the Xaigonian people keep either. The regular old little ones will do just fine. They can even take their time and eat him slow because nobody goes down to Twilight Cove unless they’re batshit crazy.
Except for me. I’m the exception.
The light of the moon was the only illumination on the pass between the jutting edges of the high rock formations that towered over each of my shoulders last night. It sparkled on the water in the distance like a thousand diamonds scattered across black velvet; a forbidden treasure that called to me and led me down and down and down to the living darkness of the water’s edge. My breathing was steady, matching the rhythm of the ebbing and flowing shoreline as it rolled toward me over and over only to pull back into the black and be sucked away. The waves rolled in and the waves rolled out and unconsciously I matched each of my inhales and exhales to the beat of the tide like one might attempt to match their breathing to that of a sleeping lover. The act was unintentional--the hand of destiny serendipitously guiding me along the correct path. Tonight this ebony shore was my lover and together we would take this man's life--not in the way that garden-variety sociopaths might take a man's life with the sole desire of watching him die. Tonight, the sea and I would be two cogent and rational beings in love who are also coincidentally both murderers who kill together in harmony. Together we would drown my new nemesis for the sake of love. My love. My love for the forbidden knowledge of the occult.
It wasn't being done in the name of chaos and irrationality. We were doing it methodically, reasonably and sensibly. Don't you see? Don't you understand it now? The sea loved me so much that it needed to kill Bradley Wilcott for me to prove that love was real.
I could taste the clean salt that hung in the air as I dragged him over all those jagged rocks, ignoring the sting of their sharp edges as they sliced into my bare and bloody feet. I made furtive glances behind me with every ten or twelve steps and felt no pain as I carefully but quickly made my way down between the cliffs. Any suffering I might have felt was overridden by the pleasure I found watching his head bounce roughly across those same rocks. The constant bludgeoning would keep him knocked out cold. The flow from the back of his head looked black beneath the starless sky, not red, and left smears as it mixed with the black of the footprints I left behind with each step I took along the path. I dragged him with one end of a rope tied around his ankles and the bulk of it wrapped around my waist a half a dozen times. The opposite segment of the rope was tucked down between the coils that circled my waist, and pressed against my bare skin so that the end of it hung out past my hips. I tied a bag to the length that remained. I fetched it from my trunk when I dragged him from my car. The hilt of my knife protruded past where the top of the bag was cinched tightly closed. It hung low and heavy against my leg, bouncing rhythmically against my thigh.
They’ll call me a madwoman because I went down to Twilight Cove beneath a dark and starless sky, dragging behind me a man that I intended to tie to the rocks at low tide. They'll say that I did this all while Echo Bay slept because irrationally my internal voice dictated I must watch him die--but don't you see the truth of it all? Everything they'll say about me is a lie.
They’ll say I’m insane because the only thing I felt was pleasure as I watched the current roll back in and the water slowly rise up over his eyes…because I laughed to myself when he regained consciousness at the perfect moment and those eyes fluttered open with little bubbles coming out from behind the eyelids, and floating up to the surface of the water. They’ll say I’m insane because I came out here, my waist wrapped in a rope that I unraveled and using a knife, cut that rope into lengths so that I could tie this lunatic of a man down by each of his limbs. They’ll call me certifiable because I gloated over him, my bare feet bleeding and my body completely naked against the ocean breeze and bare breasted against the moonlight as I watched him drown. They’ll say I’m deranged because on a starless night, I trekked into territory well known to belong to the Xaigonians to do this to a man who definitely deserved what fate had in store for him…but I’m none of those things. I’m completely sane.
When I saw the first Fishperson come up and out of the waves, clawing his webbed fingers through the sand and pushing his hands into the ground to stand upright on his flipper-shaped feet, I didn’t feel any fear. I knew that even though my nakedness rendered me easier to flay and feed to his giant pet crabs beneath the waves, Xaigon and his Fishpeople had an unspoken expectation for anyone and everyone who traipsed uninvited into Twilight Cove. This place is theirs and everyone in Echo Bay knows that. We don't come to this place where we don’t belong. If we do they expect us to have a gleaming gift to give them. Each of them. Twilight Cove belongs to the race that lurks beneath the opaque waters there and it has belonged to them since the time before men learned to walk upright. If you're on their beach when they come up out of the murky depths, they’ll either drag you down through the viscous pitch dark water to their shining city beneath the black waves...or they won’t. It only depends on whether you came to the beach intending to meet their expectations.
A moment later, another one is rising up through the white foam that swirls atop the surface of the inky dark sea. And another one. And another. And another.
I’m not crazy. I’m not insane. I’m the head librarian of the prestigious Eldertide Polytechnic University and I have been for the last 19 years and I will be for 19 more and longer still after that. I’ve read everything about this place. Some of it’s in my collection with restricted-access and some of it isn’t. I came out here as an outsider intending to meet their expectations but I didn’t have any pockets to stow away my shiny gifts, so I put them in the bag I tied around my waist.
The bag was big. The bag was full. I knew what was out here. I knew what they would expect. This is the perfect place to bring a body because anyone who comes here without gifts for each and every one of them coming up and out from their city in the coral caves below won’t be seen again. There must have been a hundred of that strange aquatic race climbing out of the water. I watched them rise up to the surface that rippled with reflections of the moon. People don’t come here and if they do, they die. They might bring a gift and think they're wise, but one gift is not enough. You need to share with the whole class. I’m reasonable and pragmatic and my well of resources is deep. The bag I brought with me was very, very big and there were plenty of gifts inside to go around. They’ll say what I did out in Twilight Cove last night was crazy, but it wasn’t. They’ll say that I’m unhinged or deranged because I dragged that man out there to watch him die, but I’m not. Eldertide Polytechnic University wouldn’t have trusted me to be the head librarian for 19 fucking years if I wasn’t perfectly and completely rational and sane...
ss

Live Music

• Jerry Mincey and Tony Macalusco St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Cindy Bear and Robert St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Morrow Family Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Manchild St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• Patchwork St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• John Winters Marina Munch 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Don Cooper St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca Casa Maya 12:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Joe Downing Mill Top Tavern 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Kat Archer St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 1:30 pm
• Jim Carrick St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Charley Simmons St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Ron n Bari St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Lis & Lon Williamson St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Doug Spears St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Lauren Heintz St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:15 pm
• Rob Peck The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Elizabeth Roth Tradewinds Lounge 1:00 pm – 4:30 pm
• Manchild St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 2:30 pm
• Larry Mangum St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Michael Jordan St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Lonesome Bert's Thick and Thin String Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:15 pm – 3:30 pm
• Davis Cook Casa de Vino 57 2:30 pm – 5:30 pm
• Aslyn Baringer McTaggert St. Johns County Fairgrounds 3:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Uncle Mosie St. Johns County Fairgrounds 3:30 pm – 4:45 pm
• Claire Vandiver Crabby's Beachside 4:00 pm – 7:00 pm
• Red & Chris Henry & their All Star Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 4:00 pm – 5:30 pm
• Verlon Thompson St. Johns County Fairgrounds 4:45 pm – 6:00 pm
• Mark Hart Tradewinds Lounge 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Dewey Via Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 5:30 pm – 9:30 pm
• Dunehoppers St. Johns County Fairgrounds 6:00 pm – 7:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Morrow Family Band The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Wes Register Mellow Mushroom — St. Johns 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Deron Baker Mellow Mushroom — Murabella 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Denny Blue Guy Harvey Resort 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Fond Kiser Salt Life Food Shack 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Big Pineapple Kingfish Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Brian Rowland Donovan's Irish Pub 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Cumberland Colonial Oak Music Park 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Bret Blackshear Crabby's Beachside 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca River & Fort 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• John Jorgenson Quintet St. Johns County Fairgrounds 7:00 pm – 8:30 pm
• Heather Craig Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House 8:00 pm – 11:00 pm
• Groove Pipe Band A1A Ale Works 8:00 pm – 12:00 am
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Ann O'Malley's Deli and Pub 8:00 pm – 11:55 pm
• AJ Lee & Blue Summit St. Johns County Fairgrounds 8:30 pm – 10:00 pm
• Live Stream Tradewinds Lounge 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Zalongo Sarbez! 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Honey Moonshine Mill Top Tavern 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm
• Trae Pierce and the T-Stones Prohibition Kitchen 10:00 pm – 1:00 am

2024 St. Augustine PoetFest

• For the third year in a row, Flagler College, Ancient City Poets, and the St. Johns Cultural Council present a three-day poetry festival to celebrate literary heritage and to connect the creative community.
• St. Augustine PoetFest 2024 takes place throughout the city at various cultural venues and includes events ranging from poetry readings to improv showcases.
• All Poetfest 2024 events are free and open to the public.

Day 3 — Saturday, April 13

Day three will see another day full of diverse and engaging sessions. Starting at 10:00 a.m. and concluding around 7:00 p.m., the final day of the festival will take place in various buildings on the Flagler College campus. The festival will conclude in the evening with an awards ceremony and reception.

Flagler College Campus —

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.
PoetFest Alive! Outside of Ringhaver Student CenterPoetFest brochures and schedules available. The St. Johns County Library system's Book Mobile will also be onsite.
Saturday, April 13 11:00 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.
Typewriter Poets and Indie Market Pop-Up Back Paver Patio of Ringhaver Student Center Located between Markland Place and the Ringhaver Student Center, this space will host a pop-up market space with local crafts and goods. Poets will also compose improvisational poems on their typewriters.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Jay's Place — 1st Floor

Saturday, April 13 9:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Registration, Book Bazaar, & Festival Contact Center Publications, author recordings, and local student literary magazines for sale.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Gamache-Kroger Theater — 1st Floor

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m.
Student Showcase Presented by Flagler College English Department.
Saturday, April 13 11:00 a.m. - 11:50 a.m.
Faculty Showcase Presented by Flagler College English Department.
Saturday, April 13 12:00 p.m. - 12:50 p.m.
Dramatic Play Reading - "The Poet's Masque" Presented by Amy Goldin and A Classic Theatre.
Saturday, April 13 1:00 p.m. - 1:50 p.m.
Storytelling Showcas ePresented by Margaret Kaler and the Tale Tellers of St. Augustine.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Virginia Room — 2nd Floor

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m.
"Kerouac's Last Two Years - St. Petersburg, Florida" Larry Jaffe, Poet in Residence at the Jack Kerouac House, disusses and reads the works of the infamous writer, who lived with his wife and sister in St. Petersburg, Florida from 1967 until his death in 1969.
Saturday, April 13 11 a.m. - 11:50 a.m.
**"From Bookstaplers to Substack - Publishing 101"**Dustin Brookshire (Limp Wrist Magazine) and Johnny Masiulewicz (Happy Tapir Press) examine the process of self-publishing.
Saturday, April 13 12:00 p.m. - 12:50 p.m.
**"Music and the Muse"**Featuring poet Claire Conroy (Maine) performing to improvisational music by singer songwriter Taylor Teachout followed by a Q&A discussion on how music can take your poetry to the next level.
Saturday, April 13 1:00 p.m. - 1:50 p.m.
**"Florida is Haunted: Poetic Ghosts in the Sunshine State"**Featuring Ma Bones, Nick Dunkenstein, Keri Foster, Damon Thomas, enjoy an hour of poetry inspired by hauntings and the haunted. As Jacques Derrida said — "It is the question of ghosts."
Saturday, April 13 2:00 p.m. - 2:50 p.m.
**"The Antinomian Outsider aspect of The Beat Generation"**Presented by Outlaw poet Ron Whitehead, who hails from Tennessee.
Saturday, April 13 3:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.Closing Event

• 3:00 pm Words from Festival Chair Chris Bodor
• 3:05 pm Welcoming Words from City of St. Augustine Vice Mayor Roxanne Horvath
• 3:15 pm to Presentation by City of St. Augustine Poet Laureate Norma Sherry
• 3:30 pm to 4:30 pm Presentation by St. Johns Cultural Council Executive Director, Christina Parrish Stone "Winners of 4th Annual St. Johns County Haiku Contest"

Saturday, April 13 5:00 p.m.
Celebratory ReceptionFinale celebration — poets and guests all invited!
​

Amphitheatre Farmers Market

• The St. Augustine Amphitheatre Farmers Market offers visitors a variety of goods such as local fresh produce, handmade arts and crafts, baked goods, plants directly off the farm, freshly-caught seafood, cheeses, and more. The farmers market makes for a morning of family-friendly fun with live entertainment on select dates.
• In addition to the impressive variety of organic produce offered by local farmers, a number of local artists and craftspeople also display their wares at the market.
• Admission: FREE
• Where: St. Augustine Amphitheatre located at 1340 A1A South St. Augustine, FL 32080.
• When: Every Saturday morning from 8:30 am - 12:30 pm.

Arts & Crafts Festival at the Pier

• The annual Arts and Crafts Festival at the St. Johns County Pier is held on three weekends in the spring of 2024: Saturdays and Sundays, February 17 and 18, March 9 and 10, and April 13 and 14. The hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Saturday and from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. on Sunday.
• The event features handmade arts and crafts by local, regional, and national artists.
• The festival attracts artists and craftspeople from all over the country to showcase their work just steps from the beach. Festival-goers can enjoy browsing everything from handmade jewelry and ceramics to stained glass and fine artwork. The organizers participated in crafts and arts events for more than 20 years and strive to create an event that appeals to shoppers and art enthusiasts and be of value to the artists and craftspersons. Vendors are on site to sell natural plants, herbs, fruits, and veggies, prepared foods, and exhibit local products and services.
• Admission: FREE
• Where: The St. Johns County Pier is at St. Augustine Pier Park at 350 A1A Beach Blvd in St. Augustine Beach.
• When: Saturdays and Sundays, February 17 - 18, March 9 - 10, and April 13 - 14. Saturday hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., and Sunday hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Earth Adventures at Trailmark

• Trailmark, at 805 Trailmark Drive in St. Augustine, hosts Earth Adventures on Saturday, April 13, 2024, from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
• This free, family-friendly adventure includes guided nature hikes, the chance to drop a fishing line into the water, a petting zoo, and the opportunity to see marine animals, turtles, and birds of prey.
• Home gardeners can talk with a local composting farmer who is an expert in native landscaping. Naturalists and members of environmental organizations will provide information and answer questions about protecting our water, wildlife, and natural environment.
• Vendor booths will present homemade crafts, natural soaps, jams, produce, baked goods, and popcorn, and several food trucks will sell meals, snacks, and beverages.
• Admission: Free
• When: Saturday, April 13, 2024, from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
• Where: 805 Trailmark Drive in St. Augustine. Past World Golf Village, off Pacetti Road.

Festival of Chariots 2024

• The Festival of Chariots, or Rathayatra, celebrates Indian and Hindu culture. The festival will be in St. Augustine on Saturday, April 13, 2024, from noon to 5:00 p.m., with colorful parades, live entertainment, vegetarian food, dancing, art vendors, and more.
• The Rathayatra festival originated in the ancient city of Jagannatha Puri in India to celebrate the Hindu Lord of the Universe.
• Visitors can view the vibrant Festival of Chariots parade in St. Augustine's downtown area along King Street, beginning and ending at the Plaza de la Constitución.
• In addition to the parades and other festivities, the festival features a vegetarian feast highlighting Indian cuisine, music, a dramatic presentation, art vendors, a magic show, face painting, henna tattoos, and much more.
• Visitors can attend this festival to celebrate the many dynamic threads that make up St. Augustine's local culture. This cultural event is fun for the whole family and it is FREE.
• Admission: Free.
• When: Saturday, April 13, 2024, from noon to 5:00 p.m.
• Where: The Festival of the Chariots is along King Street, and the Harinam Procession is on St. George Street. Other festival activities take place on the Plaza de la Constitucion. All is in the historic downtown area.

Historical Timeline Saunter

• The Historic Florida Militia presents a Timeline Saunter on one Saturday afternoon each month through September 2024. The saunters generally occur on the first or second Saturdays, see below for dates.
• During the saunter, those who are interested in history and how the European settlers and conquerors lived in St. Augustine, can watch this knowledgeable and appropriately garbed group as they walk through the historic downtown. The saunter begins at the city gates on St. George Street and runs to the Plaza de la Constitución before heading down Aviles Street, the oldest street in the continental U.S.
• The participants will pose for photos along their route and answer questions about life in 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries St. Augustine.
• The Historic Florida Militia is a 501(c)3 organization composed of the following historic reenactor groups: Men of Menéndez, representing the 16th century Spanish soldados and settlers; Drakes Men, representing the 16th century British privateers; Searle's Buccaneers, representing 17th century British privateers; and the St Augustine Garrison, representing 18th-century Spanish soldados, settlers, and government officials.
• Admission: Free
• When: 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. for one day in most months. See the schedule below.
• Where: The saunter begins at the City Gate on St. George and Orange streets, and continues on St. George Street across the Plaza de la Constitución to Aviles Street.

Saint Augustine Sisterhood: Book Launch

• Celebrate Eleanor Tremayne's book launch of Saint Augustine Sisterhood, presented by SunKen Production LLC and Serendipity Bookstore, at the Waterworks on Saturday, April 13, 2024. This immersive event starts with the chance to meet the award-winning author from 6:30 to 7:00 p.m. and live entertainment following after.
• The Gypsy Player Dancers will make an appearance, along with spoken word acts and live performances such as the upcoming musical, The Enchanted Grove.
• Tickets include a signed copy of the book, hors d'oeuvres, cake, a glass of wine, and complimentary bottled water. A portion of the proceeds will be donated to the St. Johns Food Pantry.
• Note: Guests who dress like pirates or gypsies will get an extra drink ticket.
• Admission: Entry is $45.00.
• When: The author's meet and greet is from 6:30 to 7:00 p.m. on Saturday, April 13, 2024. Entertainment will then follow until 9:00 p.m.
• Where: The St. Augustine Waterworks is at 184 San Marco Avenue in St. Augustine, Florida 32084.
• Getting There: While the address is 184 San Marco Avenue, the only driveway on San Marco is Exit Only, so it is not available to access the Waterworks. Access to the Waterworks is through the St. Augustine Main Library parking lot, on the opposite side of the complex. (Use 1960 North Ponce de Leon in your GPS.)

​

Bad Dog Mama Playing at Saint Augustine Race Week

8:00 pm - 10:00 pm @ Municipal Marina 111 Avenida Menendez Saint Augustine, FL 32084
​
For future events please visit the Discord.
https://discord.gg/KmuAxxrM
​

Live Music

• Jerry Mincey and Tony Macalusco St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Cindy Bear and Robert St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Morrow Family Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 11:00 am – 12:00 pm
• Manchild St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• Patchwork St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• John Winters Marina Munch 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Don Cooper St. Johns County Fairgrounds 12:00 pm – 1:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca Casa Maya 12:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Joe Downing Mill Top Tavern 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Kat Archer St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 1:30 pm
• Jim Carrick St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Charley Simmons St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Ron n Bari St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Lis & Lon Williamson St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Doug Spears St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:00 pm
• Lauren Heintz St. Johns County Fairgrounds 1:00 pm – 2:15 pm
• Rob Peck The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Elizabeth Roth Tradewinds Lounge 1:00 pm – 4:30 pm
• Manchild St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 2:30 pm
• Larry Mangum St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Michael Jordan St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:00 pm – 3:00 pm
• Lonesome Bert's Thick and Thin String Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 2:15 pm – 3:30 pm
• Davis Cook Casa de Vino 57 2:30 pm – 5:30 pm
• Aslyn Baringer McTaggert St. Johns County Fairgrounds 3:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Uncle Mosie St. Johns County Fairgrounds 3:30 pm – 4:45 pm
• Claire Vandiver Crabby's Beachside 4:00 pm – 7:00 pm
• Red & Chris Henry & their All Star Band St. Johns County Fairgrounds 4:00 pm – 5:30 pm
• Verlon Thompson St. Johns County Fairgrounds 4:45 pm – 6:00 pm
• Mark Hart Tradewinds Lounge 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Dewey Via Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 5:30 pm – 9:30 pm
• Dunehoppers St. Johns County Fairgrounds 6:00 pm – 7:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Morrow Family Band The Cellar Upstairs Wine Bar & Restaurant 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Wes Register Mellow Mushroom — St. Johns 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Deron Baker Mellow Mushroom — Murabella 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Denny Blue Guy Harvey Resort 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Fond Kiser Salt Life Food Shack 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Big Pineapple Kingfish Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Brian Rowland Donovan's Irish Pub 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Cumberland Colonial Oak Music Park 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Bret Blackshear Crabby's Beachside 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca River & Fort 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• John Jorgenson Quintet St. Johns County Fairgrounds 7:00 pm – 8:30 pm
• Heather Craig Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House 8:00 pm – 11:00 pm
• Groove Pipe Band A1A Ale Works 8:00 pm – 12:00 am
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Ann O'Malley's Deli and Pub 8:00 pm – 11:55 pm
• AJ Lee & Blue Summit St. Johns County Fairgrounds 8:30 pm – 10:00 pm
• Live Stream Tradewinds Lounge 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Zalongo Sarbez! 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Honey Moonshine Mill Top Tavern 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm
• Trae Pierce and the T-Stones Prohibition Kitchen 10:00 pm – 1:00 am

2024 St. Augustine PoetFest

• For the third year in a row, Flagler College, Ancient City Poets, and the St. Johns Cultural Council present a three-day poetry festival to celebrate literary heritage and to connect the creative community.
• St. Augustine PoetFest 2024 takes place throughout the city at various cultural venues and includes events ranging from poetry readings to improv showcases.
• All Poetfest 2024 events are free and open to the public.

Day 3 — Saturday, April 13

Day three will see another day full of diverse and engaging sessions. Starting at 10:00 a.m. and concluding around 7:00 p.m., the final day of the festival will take place in various buildings on the Flagler College campus. The festival will conclude in the evening with an awards ceremony and reception.

Flagler College Campus —

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m.PoetFest Alive! Outside of Ringhaver Student CenterPoetFest brochures and schedules available. The St. Johns County Library system's Book Mobile will also be onsite.
Saturday, April 13 11:00 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.Typewriter Poets and Indie Market Pop-Up Back Paver Patio of Ringhaver Student Center Located between Markland Place and the Ringhaver Student Center, this space will host a pop-up market space with local crafts and goods. Poets will also compose improvisational poems on their typewriters.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Jay's Place — 1st Floor

Saturday, April 13 9:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.Registration, Book Bazaar, & Festival Contact Center Publications, author recordings, and local student literary magazines for sale.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Gamache-Kroger Theater — 1st Floor

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m.Student Showcase Presented by Flagler College English Department.
Saturday, April 13 11:00 a.m. - 11:50 a.m.Faculty Showcase Presented by Flagler College English Department.
Saturday, April 13 12:00 p.m. - 12:50 p.m.Dramatic Play Reading - "The Poet's Masque" Presented by Amy Goldin and A Classic Theatre.
Saturday, April 13 1:00 p.m. - 1:50 p.m.Storytelling Showcas ePresented by Margaret Kaler and the Tale Tellers of St. Augustine.

Ringhaver Student Center — 50 Sevilla Street

Virginia Room — 2nd Floor

Saturday, April 13 10:00 a.m. - 10:50 a.m."Kerouac's Last Two Years - St. Petersburg, Florida" Larry Jaffe, Poet in Residence at the Jack Kerouac House, disusses and reads the works of the infamous writer, who lived with his wife and sister in St. Petersburg, Florida from 1967 until his death in 1969.
Saturday, April 13 11 a.m. - 11:50 a.m.**"From Bookstaplers to Substack - Publishing 101"**Dustin Brookshire (Limp Wrist Magazine) and Johnny Masiulewicz (Happy Tapir Press) examine the process of self-publishing.
Saturday, April 13 12:00 p.m. - 12:50 p.m.**"Music and the Muse"**Featuring poet Claire Conroy (Maine) performing to improvisational music by singer songwriter Taylor Teachout followed by a Q&A discussion on how music can take your poetry to the next level.
Saturday, April 13 1:00 p.m. - 1:50 p.m.**"Florida is Haunted: Poetic Ghosts in the Sunshine State"**Featuring Ma Bones, Nick Dunkenstein, Keri Foster, Damon Thomas, enjoy an hour of poetry inspired by hauntings and the haunted. As Jacques Derrida said — "It is the question of ghosts."
Saturday, April 13 2:00 p.m. - 2:50 p.m.**"The Antinomian Outsider aspect of The Beat Generation"**Presented by Outlaw poet Ron Whitehead, who hails from Tennessee.
Saturday, April 13 3:30 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.Closing Event

• 3:00 pm Words from Festival Chair Chris Bodor
• 3:05 pm Welcoming Words from City of St. Augustine Vice Mayor Roxanne Horvath
• 3:15 pm to Presentation by City of St. Augustine Poet Laureate Norma Sherry
• 3:30 pm to 4:30 pm Presentation by St. Johns Cultural Council Executive Director, Christina Parrish Stone "Winners of 4th Annual St. Johns County Haiku Contest"

Saturday, April 13 5:00 p.m.Celebratory ReceptionFinale celebration — poets and guests all invited!

Amphitheatre Farmers Market

• The St. Augustine Amphitheatre Farmers Market offers visitors a variety of goods such as local fresh produce, handmade arts and crafts, baked goods, plants directly off the farm, freshly-caught seafood, cheeses, and more. The farmers market makes for a morning of family-friendly fun with live entertainment on select dates.
• In addition to the impressive variety of organic produce offered by local farmers, a number of local artists and craftspeople also display their wares at the market.
• Admission: FREE
• Where: St. Augustine Amphitheatre located at 1340 A1A South St. Augustine, FL 32080.
• When: Every Saturday morning from 8:30 am - 12:30 pm.

Arts & Crafts Festival at the Pier

• The annual Arts and Crafts Festival at the St. Johns County Pier is held on three weekends in the spring of 2024: Saturdays and Sundays, February 17 and 18, March 9 and 10, and April 13 and 14. The hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. on Saturday and from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. on Sunday.
• The event features handmade arts and crafts by local, regional, and national artists.
• The festival attracts artists and craftspeople from all over the country to showcase their work just steps from the beach. Festival-goers can enjoy browsing everything from handmade jewelry and ceramics to stained glass and fine artwork. The organizers participated in crafts and arts events for more than 20 years and strive to create an event that appeals to shoppers and art enthusiasts and be of value to the artists and craftspersons. Vendors are on site to sell natural plants, herbs, fruits, and veggies, prepared foods, and exhibit local products and services.
• Admission: FREE
• Where: The St. Johns County Pier is at St. Augustine Pier Park at 350 A1A Beach Blvd in St. Augustine Beach.
• When: Saturdays and Sundays, February 17 - 18, March 9 - 10, and April 13 - 14. Saturday hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., and Sunday hours are from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Earth Adventures at Trailmark

• Trailmark, at 805 Trailmark Drive in St. Augustine, hosts Earth Adventures on Saturday, April 13, 2024, from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
• This free, family-friendly adventure includes guided nature hikes, the chance to drop a fishing line into the water, a petting zoo, and the opportunity to see marine animals, turtles, and birds of prey.
• Home gardeners can talk with a local composting farmer who is an expert in native landscaping. Naturalists and members of environmental organizations will provide information and answer questions about protecting our water, wildlife, and natural environment.
• Vendor booths will present homemade crafts, natural soaps, jams, produce, baked goods, and popcorn, and several food trucks will sell meals, snacks, and beverages.
• Admission: Free
• When: Saturday, April 13, 2024, from 10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
• Where: 805 Trailmark Drive in St. Augustine. Past World Golf Village, off Pacetti Road.

Festival of Chariots 2024

• The Festival of Chariots, or Rathayatra, celebrates Indian and Hindu culture. The festival will be in St. Augustine on Saturday, April 13, 2024, from noon to 5:00 p.m., with colorful parades, live entertainment, vegetarian food, dancing, art vendors, and more.
• The Rathayatra festival originated in the ancient city of Jagannatha Puri in India to celebrate the Hindu Lord of the Universe.
• Visitors can view the vibrant Festival of Chariots parade in St. Augustine's downtown area along King Street, beginning and ending at the Plaza de la Constitución.
• In addition to the parades and other festivities, the festival features a vegetarian feast highlighting Indian cuisine, music, a dramatic presentation, art vendors, a magic show, face painting, henna tattoos, and much more.
• Visitors can attend this festival to celebrate the many dynamic threads that make up St. Augustine's local culture. This cultural event is fun for the whole family and it is FREE.
• Admission: Free.
• When: Saturday, April 13, 2024, from noon to 5:00 p.m.
• Where: The Festival of the Chariots is along King Street, and the Harinam Procession is on St. George Street. Other festival activities take place on the Plaza de la Constitucion. All is in the historic downtown area.

Historical Timeline Saunter

• The Historic Florida Militia presents a Timeline Saunter on one Saturday afternoon each month through September 2024. The saunters generally occur on the first or second Saturdays, see below for dates.
• During the saunter, those who are interested in history and how the European settlers and conquerors lived in St. Augustine, can watch this knowledgeable and appropriately garbed group as they walk through the historic downtown. The saunter begins at the city gates on St. George Street and runs to the Plaza de la Constitución before heading down Aviles Street, the oldest street in the continental U.S.
• The participants will pose for photos along their route and answer questions about life in 16th, 17th, and 18th centuries St. Augustine.
• The Historic Florida Militia is a 501(c)3 organization composed of the following historic reenactor groups: Men of Menéndez, representing the 16th century Spanish soldados and settlers; Drakes Men, representing the 16th century British privateers; Searle's Buccaneers, representing 17th century British privateers; and the St Augustine Garrison, representing 18th-century Spanish soldados, settlers, and government officials.
• Admission: Free
• When: 5:30 to 8:30 p.m. for one day in most months. See the schedule below.
• Where: The saunter begins at the City Gate on St. George and Orange streets, and continues on St. George Street across the Plaza de la Constitución to Aviles Street.

Saint Augustine Sisterhood: Book Launch

• Celebrate Eleanor Tremayne's book launch of Saint Augustine Sisterhood, presented by SunKen Production LLC and Serendipity Bookstore, at the Waterworks on Saturday, April 13, 2024. This immersive event starts with the chance to meet the award-winning author from 6:30 to 7:00 p.m. and live entertainment following after.
• The Gypsy Player Dancers will make an appearance, along with spoken word acts and live performances such as the upcoming musical, The Enchanted Grove.
• Tickets include a signed copy of the book, hors d'oeuvres, cake, a glass of wine, and complimentary bottled water. A portion of the proceeds will be donated to the St. Johns Food Pantry.
• Note: Guests who dress like pirates or gypsies will get an extra drink ticket.
• Admission: Entry is $45.00.
• When: The author's meet and greet is from 6:30 to 7:00 p.m. on Saturday, April 13, 2024. Entertainment will then follow until 9:00 p.m.
• Where: The St. Augustine Waterworks is at 184 San Marco Avenue in St. Augustine, Florida 32084.
• Getting There: While the address is 184 San Marco Avenue, the only driveway on San Marco is Exit Only, so it is not available to access the Waterworks. Access to the Waterworks is through the St. Augustine Main Library parking lot, on the opposite side of the complex. (Use 1960 North Ponce de Leon in your GPS.)

Bad Dog Mama Playing at Saint Augustine Race Week

8:00 pm - 10:00 pm @ Municipal Marina 111 Avenida Menendez Saint Augustine, FL 32084
​
For future events please visit the Discord.https://discord.gg/KmuAxxrM

Please, feel free to add any events below! Check out the Visitor's Guide for more things to do around town!
Looking to meet up with people? Check out Meetup St. Louis.
Be sure to continue scrolling past the Weekly Events for Trivia Nights, Live Music, Sporting Events, Local Comedy, and more!
​

• Animals Aglow Lantern Festival
  • March 13 - May 4, 2024 (Wednesdays through Sundays)
  • The first-ever Animals Aglow lantern festival will bring a dazzling spectacle of lights to the Saint Louis Zoo.
  • More than 60 larger-than-life Chinese lanterns, along with interactive light displays in the shape of plants and animals, will illuminate paths throughout the Zoo in this nighttime event.
  • Guests can stroll through the colorful Chinese Dragon Corridor, pose with giant glowing animals and play with interactive displays such as the Moonlight Swings and the Star Stepping Pads.
• Belleville Barkfest
  • April 13, 2024
  • Join others for an event for all things dogs. Everyone & dogs are welcome and it's free. See dog-friendly vendors, check out the food trucks, dog contests & games, workshops, silent auction, and dog park.
• The Boil at The Garage
  • April 13, 2024
  • The best seafood boil in St. Louis is here! It’s a true Louisiana affair at The Garage on April 13th from 12-3 p.m. with a cajun seafood boil and music! Bring your friends and family for all day fun and grub at the fifth annual The Boil STL benefitting Mission: St. Louis.
• The Book of Mormon at The Fabulous Fox Theatre
  • April 9 - 14, 2024
  • The New York Times calls it “the best musical of this century.” The Washington Post says, “It is the kind of evening that restores your faith in musicals.” And Entertainment Weekly rates it “Grade A: the funniest musical of all time.”
  • The outrageous musical comedy follows the adventures of a mismatched pair of missionaries, sent halfway across the world to spread the Good Word.
• Cardinals 5k
  • April 13, 2024
  • The Cardinals 5K is back for 2024! This year's 5K will offer both an in-person and virtual format, allowing Cardinals fans across the world the chance to run, jog or walk the race. All Participants will receive a high quality long sleeved hooded t-shirt and a Collectable Finisher Medallion featuring Cardinals Hall of Famer Willie McGee, as well as access to submit results, and earn a Finisher's Certificate.
  • Pre-race activities and warm-ups will be held on the Busch II infield in Together Credit Union Plaza at Ballpark Village. The course will start and finish on Clark Street between Ballpark Village and Busch Stadium with the race route taking participants through the streets of downtown. Upon finishing the 5K, participants will have the opportunity to take a victory lap around the warning track inside Busch Stadium, and then return to the Plaza at Ballpark Village for a post-race party.
• Chess at the Brewery
  • Every Wednesday
  • Local meetup group of chess players that meet at breweries on Wednesday nights. They rotate locations each week.
  • See their Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/chessatthebrewery/) for the location this week.
• Enchanted Evening at The Magic House
  • April 13, 2024
  • Hear ye, hear ye! Aspiring princes and princesses are cordially invited to a Royal Ball at The Magic House, where they can meet their favorite storybook characters!
  • During the after-hours event, families can make a bejeweled tiara or crown; enjoy story time with Cinderella, Prince Charming and the Fairy Godmother; attend an elegant tea party with Tiana; and dance all night with princesses such as Belle and Rapunzel.
  • The magical evening will create memories that will last a lifetime.
• Family Night with Fredbird
  • Wednesdays
  • Join others at Cardinals Nation Restaurant & Bar for Family Night with Fredbird on select Wednesday evenings this off-season! Bring your family down for games, prizes, and meet Fredbird from 6:30-7:30pm.
• Karaoke Wednesdays at HandleBar
  • Every Wednesday
  • Browse the catalog and find your favorite songs to sing! Songbookslive.com/stlredcarpet
• Karaoke Wednesdays at Mack's Bar & Grill
  • Every Wednesday
• Landmarks Downtown Walking Tours
  • Every Saturday
  • Landmarks Downtown St. Louis Walking Tours: History, Culture, Architecture, and Exercise: What could be better on a Saturday morning.
• Native American Art of the 20th Century: The William P. Healey Collection at St. Louis Art Museum
  • February 23 - July 14, 2024
  • Native American Art of the 20th Century: The William P. Healey Collection celebrates a transformative gift of outstanding works by Native American artists active across the 20th century. The promised gift of 100 works establishes a critical junction between the Saint Louis Art Museum’s deep collection of pre-1920 Indigenous art and a growing emphasis on the contemporary.
• Open Mic Night at Schlafly Bottleworks (Maplewood)
  • Every Wednesday
  • Join others every Wednesday evening and showcase your talents with our Open Mic Night! Open sign up begins at 6:30PM with music starting at 7:00PM. They welcome original material, covers and spoken word! Grab a beer, then play and listen every Wednesday! There are no cover charges and no drink minimums to attend.
• The Science of Guinness World Records at City Museum
  • January 28 - April 14, 2024
  • Be amazed. Be amazing! The Science of Guinness World Records, a new exhibition at City Museum, spotlights the world’s greatest record holders and what it took for them to cement their names in the history books.
• Solar Eclipse Day
  • April 8, 2024
  • For the first time in seven years, a total solar eclipse will be visible for parts of the St. Louis area. The path of the the 2024 eclipse stretches from southwest Texas, all the way to Maine. This path doesn't include the City of St. Louis, but full totality and daytime darkness are very close by.
  • St. Louis partial eclipse start time
    • Partial eclipse begins at 12:43:05 p.m. The moon begins to block the view of the sun for people viewing from St. Louis.
  • St. Louis peak eclipse time
    • Peak eclipse begins at 2:00:45 p.m. The moon blocks 99.1% of the view of the sun for people viewing from St. Louis.
  • St. Louis partial eclipse end time
    • Partial eclipse ends at 3:17:15 p.m. The moon is no longer blocking any part of the sun for people viewing from St. Louis.
• Soulard Farmer's Market
  • Wednesdays - Saturdays
  • Soulard Farmers Market is located at 730 Carroll Street in St. Louis, Missouri, a half mile north of the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. The market is open Wednesday through Saturday, year round. They feature locally grown and shipped in goods, including: produce, meats, cheeses, spices, gourmet kettle corn, flowers, baked goods, and general merchandise. There are also several different eateries that have many food options, which allows customers the convenience to grab a quick bite to eat and a drink while shopping.
• St. Louis CITY SC Street Party at Schlafly Tap Room
  • April 14, 2024
  • In celebration of ALL home soccer games, Schlafly will close down "Louligan Street" and support our team the only way they know how: great food, drinks, and fun. There are beer tents, food trucks, special (game day and late night) menus, and more. Get here early and park!
• St. Louis Watercolor Society Juried Exhibition (24th Annual)
  • April 8 - 26, 2024
  • The St. Louis Watercolor Society is holding it's 24th Annual Juried Exhibition at the St. Louis Public Library- Central Library in the Carnegie Gallery from April 8 to April 26.
  • The Exhibit will feature a variety of styles and subjects painted by members of the St. Louis Watercolor Society, a group of over 200 members founded in 1996. The Exhibit will be judged by professional artist, Susan Blackwood. Paintings will be available to view and/or purchase.
• St. Louis Wing Week
  • April 8 - 14, 2024
  • Restaurants across the region, including Alpha Brewing Co., Bootleggin’ BBQ Tavern and The OveUnder Bar & Grill, will serve their takes on savory wings with extraordinary seasonings, sauces and dips for just $7.
  • Download the official St. Louis Wing Week app to earn points for prizes. The more wings you eat, the more points you earn!
• Star Wars: The Last Jedi in Concert
  • April 13 - 14, 2024
  • The St. Louis Symphony Orchestra will perform the Academy Award-nominated score of Star Wars: The Last Jedi live at Stifel Theatre.
  • Journey alongside Rey as she seeks the galaxy’s last hope, the legendary Luke Skywalker. Experience the thrill, the fear and the anticipation as the fate of the Resistance hangs in the balance. And get swept away in the Star Wars saga like never before thanks to the Grammy Award-winning St. Louis Symphony Orchestra.
• Sunday Bingo at Tim's Chrome Bar
  • Every Sunday
  • Get in the mood for some fun with an afternoon of BINGO at Tim’s. They'll supply the cards and daubers. Just bring yourself and your BINGO loving friends. Play for some good laughs and a variety prizes. Bar opens at 12 p.m., they'll start BINGO at 3 p.m. Cheers!
• Thursday Nights at the Museum
  • Every Thursday
  • Kick off your weekend at the Missouri History Museum in Forest Park! Each Thursday Night at the Museum will be the most fun, engaging, uplifting, thought-provoking, perspective-shaping night of your week. And there are drinks.
  • Join others starting at 5:30pm for happy hour and pop-up activities, such as brief tours, games, and performances. The main stage comes to life at 6:30pm, light appetizers and drinks are available for purchase until 7:00pm, and the Museum’s exhibits are open until 8:00pm for you to explore!
• Tower Grove Farmer's Market
  • Every Tuesday & Saturday
  • Join others every Saturday of the 2023 Tower Grove Farmers Market Season. They'll have over 100 vendors with local produce, meat, flowers, eggs, honey, prepared foods, art, jewelry, live music, and so much more.
• Vietnam: At War and At Home at Soldiers Memorial
  • Running until May 27, 2024
  • In 'Vietnam: At War and At Home' at Soldiers Memorial Military Museum, the story of the war’s origins, execution, conclusion and legacy are presented in engaging, accessible and evocative ways. The exhibit presents a diverse and holistic snapshot of the turbulent times in Vietnam, in the U.S. and in the St. Louis region.

​

Sporting Events This Week	Attractions Around the Area	Comedy This Week
St. Louis Cardinals schedule	Anheuser-Busch Brewery	Funny Bone Comedy Club
St. Louis Blues schedule	City Museum	Helium Comedy Club
St. Louis City SC schedule	Gateway Arch	The Improv Shop
St. Louis Battlehawks schedule	Missouri History Museum
St. Louis Billikens schedule	National Blues Museum

​

Trivia Nights
Location	Date/Time	More Information
Anheuser-Busch Biergarten	Tuesdays 6:00 pm - 8:00 pm	Trivia Details
Bar K	Tuesdays at 7:00 pm
City Foundry	Thursdays 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Crack Fox	Mondays 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm	They host a weekly free tournament and game night. Emphasis on Non Alcoholic refreshments and camaraderie.
Joey B's on the Hill	Mondays 8:30 pm - 10:30 pm	Trivia Details
Nick's Pub	Mondays
Felix's Pizza Pub	Tuesdays at 8:00 pm	Trivia Details
ITAP (Delmar Loop)	Wednesdays at 7:00 pm
ITAP (Soulard)	Tuesdays at 7:00 pm
Schlafly Brewpubs (Any Location)	Tuesdays 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm	Trivia Details
Rockwell Beer Co	Tuesdays	Trivia Details (Reservations required)
The Mack	Tuesdays at 8:00 pm	Trivia Details
The Pat Connolly Tavern	Wednesdays at 7:00 pm
The Post	Wednesdays 8:00 pm - 10:00 pm	Trivia Details
Pieces Board Game Bar & Cafe	Wednesdays	Trivia Details
HandleBar	Thursdays at 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm	Trivia Details
Steve's Hot Dogs	Tuesdays 7:30 pm - 9:30 pm	Trivia Details
Wellspent Brewing	Thursdays at 7:00 pm

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Live Music This Week
Music Venues	Live Music Around Town
Blueberry Hill Duck Room	1860 Saloon
Chesterfield Amphitheater	BB's Jazz, Blues & Soups
Delmar Hall	Broadway Oyster Bar
Enterprise Center	City Foundry
The Fabulous Fox Theatre	Gallery Pub
The Factory	Game 6 Honky Tonk
Hollywood Casino Amphitheatre	Gaslight Lounge
Off Broadway	The Heavy Anchor
Old Rock House	Jazz St. Louis
The Pageant	Joe's Cafe
Red Flag	The Lot on the Landing
The Sheldon	Tim's Chrome Bar
St. Louis Music Park	McGurk's
St. Louis Symphony Concert Calendar	SoFar St. Louis Secret performances around town
Stifel Theatre	Venice Cafe
	Yaquis on Cherokee

​

Recurring Outdoor Activities
Big Muddy Adventures – STL Riverfront Adventure	Big Muddy Adventures was established in 2002. They are the first professional outfitteguiding company providing access to the wild wonders of the Middle Mississippi and Lower Missouri Rivers.
Gateway Arch Events	There are a variety of things to do along the Mississippi River.
Hidden Valley Ski Resort	Ziplining, scenic chairlift rides, and hiking trails opened during the summer. Skiing, snowboarding during the winter.

​

Live Music for this Friday

• Michael Bo Griner Mill Top Tavern 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Jolie Cellar Upstairs 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Heather Craig Tradewinds Lounge 1:00 pm – 4:30 pm
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 1:00 pm – 5:00 pm
• Ken Macy Mill Top Tavern 4:30 pm – 8:30 pm
• Dewey Via Guy Harvey Resort 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Contact Buzz Oasis Deck & Restaurant 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Mark Hart Tradewinds Lounge 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Deron Baker Marsh Landing Country Club 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Driftwoods Fish House & Oyster Co. 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Trevor Compton O.C. White's Seafood 5:30 pm – 9:30 pm
• Wes Register Mellow Mushroom — Anastasia Island 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Vinny Jacobs Crabby's Beachside 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca Cellar Upstairs 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Fond Kiser Shaughnessy's Sports Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Craig Hand Hurricane Patty's Bar and Grill 6:00 pm – 9:30 pm
• Walt Kulwicki Shaughnessy's Sports Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Jesse Cruce Mellow Mushroom — St. Johns 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Papercutt Colonial Oak Music Park 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Mr. Chubby's Wings 8:00 pm – 11:00 pm
• Mike Cook Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House 8:00 pm – 12:00 pm
• Velvet 45 Barley Republic Irish Pub 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Blistur Tradewinds Lounge 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Zalongo Sarbez! 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Alan Dalton and Terry Campbell Mill Top Tavern 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm

First Friday Art Walk

***The next First Friday Art Walk is Friday, April 5, 2024.***On the first Friday of every month, more than 25 art galleries open their doors and welcome visitors to browse their latest exhibits. This cooperative open house showcases the variety of artwork in St. Augustine's art galleries. The exhibits include traditional art and contemporary pieces by local and national artists working in oils, pastels, photography, ceramics, wood, textiles, and metal. Many featured artists are on hand to answer questions about their work.This monthly event occurs every first Friday, from 5:00 to 9:00 p.m., throughout St. Augustine's historic downtown area, particularly along King, St. George, and Aviles Streets. Galleries in the Uptown region and on Anastasia Island are also open for First Friday.This event is sponsored by The St. Augustine Art Association, an artistic association of diverse and eclectic art galleries in the nation's oldest city.

April's Featured Artists: Tracy Lavely

Presented by: PAStA Gallery PAStA Gallery presents local acrylic palette knife artist Tracy Lavely during April's First Friday Art Walk. Originally from Indianapolis, Lavely attributes her passion for art to her upbringing and her artist mother. She pursues her love for painting through beach and coastal themes carefully painted with a palette knife technique.

What's happening during the First Friday Art Walk in April?

• St. Augustine Art Association presents two exhibits beginning on Friday, April 5, 2024. The Spring Members Art Show exhibit invites visitors to revel in the city's rich art scene, from oil on canvas to sculptures and fiberworks. The second exhibit, The All-County Middle School Art Show, showcases art of different mediums by children in grades 6-8.
• Other galleries open new exhibits on First Friday that stay up throughout the month for viewing during regular business hours.

Admission: FreeWhen: 5:00 to 9:00 p.m. on the first Friday of every month. (Not every gallery stays open until 9:00 p.m.)Where: All through Historic Downtown and Anastasia Island.

Participating Galleries

Anastasia Island District

• High Tide Gallery 850 Anastasia Blvd. (904) 315-6690
• St. Augustine Beach Art Studio and Gallery 370-A A1A Beach Blvd. (904) 295-4428

Flagler District

• Grand Bohemian 49 King Street (904) 829-6880
• Sweetwater Coffee Bar and Gallery 8 Granada Street (904) 615-1653

Historic Art District

• Ancient City Art Gallery 11E Aviles Street (904) 481-8741
• Aviles Gallery 11C Aviles Street (904) 823-8608
• CJK Art Gallery & Studio 212 C Charlotte Street (904) 238-8900
• Crisp-Ellert Art Museum 48 Sevilla Street (904) 819-6220
• Georgia Nick Gallery 11A Aviles Street (904) 342-2186
• Joel Bagnal Goldsmith 11C Aviles Street (904) 614-4706
• Lilu's Arts and Antiques 82 Charlotte Street (904) 392-6231
• PAStA Gallery 214 Charlotte Street (904) 824-0251
• Plum Gallery 10 Aviles Street (904) 825-0069
• St. Augustine Art Association 22 Marine Street (904) 824-2310

Mainland District

• Ovico Gallery 2802 N 5th Street., Suite 4 (904) 789-2039

Ponce De Leon Boulevard District

• Recycled Glass Art Studio 105 South Ponce de Leon Boulevard, suite C (904) 417-3746
• Coconut Barrel 3175 US 1 South (904) 484-8729

San Sebastian District

• Artbox 137 King Street (386) 986-0368
• Butterfield Garage Art Gallery 137A King Street (904) 825-4577

St. George District

• Lost Art Gallery 210 St. George Street C-1 (904) 827-9800
• Sea Spirits Gallery and Gifts 210 St. George Street, C-2 (904) 679-3811

Uptown District

• Gloria Grace Art Studio 77 San Marco Avenue, unit 2 (505) 803-4926
• Neff Jewelers 7 Rohde Avenue (904) 829-5003

First Friday Art Walk Concert at Cathedral Basilica

• Presented by the music department of the Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine, the First Friday Art Walk Concert Series coincides with St. Augustine's First Friday Art Walk. The concert takes place from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. on the First Friday of each month at the Cathedral Basilica.
• The organ recital is free and open to the public. Donations are accepted.
• Occasionally, the concert will host various artists and musicians for the First Friday concert.
• Admission: Admission is free, but donations are gladly accepted. When: 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. on the first Friday of each month. Where: The Cathedral Basilica is at 38 Cathedral Place in historic downtown St. Augustine, Florida 32084.

Billy Price At Café Eleven

• Cafe Eleven presents Billy Price in their listening room on Friday, April 5, 2024, at 8:00 p.m.
• Renowned soul singer Billy Price gained prominence for his collaboration with blues musician, Roy Buchanan. This dynamic duo embarked on a journey across the United States, gracing iconic venues such as Carnegie Hall, The Roxy and Troubadour, and the Newport Jazz Festival with their soulful performances.
• In 1990, the Billy Price Band came into existence, featuring Eric Spaulding on guitar, Tom Valentine on bass, Dave Dodd on drums, Joe Herndon on trumpet, Jimmy Britton on the keyboard, and Lenny Smith on guitar.
• Price's discography includes Is It Over?, Free at Last, The Soul Collection, Danger Zone, Can I Change My Mind?, Night Work, Alive and Strange, Reckoning, Dog Eat Dog, and his most recent album, 50 Years of Soul.
• Receiving the City Paper Readers' Poll Award, nominations at the Blues Music Awards, and becoming a Pittsburgh Rock 'n Roll Inductee marks just a few of Price's achievements during his illustrious career.
• Admission: Tickets are $15.00 if purchased in advance and $20.00 on the day of the performance. Reserved table seating costs $25.00. Purchase tickets in advance online or purchase them at Cafe Eleven on the day of the show.
• When: Friday, April 5, 2024, at 8:00 p.m.
• Where: Cafe Eleven, 501 A1A Beach Blvd, St. Augustine, Florida 32080. On the corner of A1A and 11th Street, one block from St. Augustine Beach.

Live Music for this Friday

• Michael Bo Griner Mill Top Tavern 12:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Jolie Cellar Upstairs 1:00 pm – 4:00 pm
• Heather Craig Tradewinds Lounge 1:00 pm – 4:30 pm
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Backyard Island Cafe at Meehan's 1:00 pm – 5:00 pm
• Ken Macy Mill Top Tavern 4:30 pm – 8:30 pm
• Dewey Via Guy Harvey Resort 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Contact Buzz Oasis Deck & Restaurant 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Mark Hart Tradewinds Lounge 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Deron Baker Marsh Landing Country Club 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Driftwoods Fish House & Oyster Co. 5:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm
• Trevor Compton O.C. White's Seafood 5:30 pm – 9:30 pm
• Wes Register Mellow Mushroom — Anastasia Island 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Vinny Jacobs Crabby's Beachside 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Yael Dray and ZaZa Flamenca Cellar Upstairs 6:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Fond Kiser Shaughnessy's Sports Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Craig Hand Hurricane Patty's Bar and Grill 6:00 pm – 9:30 pm
• Walt Kulwicki Shaughnessy's Sports Grill 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Joshua "Tennessee" Worthy DJ's Clam Shack 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Jesse Cruce Mellow Mushroom — St. Johns 6:00 pm – 9:00 pm
• Papercutt Colonial Oak Music Park 7:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Smokin' Joe Schauer Mr. Chubby's Wings 8:00 pm – 11:00 pm
• Mike Cook Meehan's Irish Pub & Seafood House 8:00 pm – 12:00 pm
• Velvet 45 Barley Republic Irish Pub 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Blistur Tradewinds Lounge 9:00 pm – 1:00 am
• Zalongo Sarbez! 9:00 pm – 10:00 pm
• Alan Dalton and Terry Campbell Mill Top Tavern 9:00 pm – 12:00 pm

First Friday Art Walk

***The next First Friday Art Walk is Friday, April 5, 2024.***On the first Friday of every month, more than 25 art galleries open their doors and welcome visitors to browse their latest exhibits. This cooperative open house showcases the variety of artwork in St. Augustine's art galleries. The exhibits include traditional art and contemporary pieces by local and national artists working in oils, pastels, photography, ceramics, wood, textiles, and metal. Many featured artists are on hand to answer questions about their work.This monthly event occurs every first Friday, from 5:00 to 9:00 p.m., throughout St. Augustine's historic downtown area, particularly along King, St. George, and Aviles Streets. Galleries in the Uptown region and on Anastasia Island are also open for First Friday.This event is sponsored by The St. Augustine Art Association, an artistic association of diverse and eclectic art galleries in the nation's oldest city.

April's Featured Artists: Tracy Lavely

Presented by: PAStA Gallery PAStA Gallery presents local acrylic palette knife artist Tracy Lavely during April's First Friday Art Walk. Originally from Indianapolis, Lavely attributes her passion for art to her upbringing and her artist mother. She pursues her love for painting through beach and coastal themes carefully painted with a palette knife technique.

What's happening during the First Friday Art Walk in April?

• St. Augustine Art Association presents two exhibits beginning on Friday, April 5, 2024. The Spring Members Art Show exhibit invites visitors to revel in the city's rich art scene, from oil on canvas to sculptures and fiberworks. The second exhibit, The All-County Middle School Art Show, showcases art of different mediums by children in grades 6-8.
• Other galleries open new exhibits on First Friday that stay up throughout the month for viewing during regular business hours.

Admission: FreeWhen: 5:00 to 9:00 p.m. on the first Friday of every month. (Not every gallery stays open until 9:00 p.m.)Where: All through Historic Downtown and Anastasia Island.

Participating Galleries

Anastasia Island District

• High Tide Gallery 850 Anastasia Blvd. (904) 315-6690
• St. Augustine Beach Art Studio and Gallery 370-A A1A Beach Blvd. (904) 295-4428

Flagler District

• Grand Bohemian 49 King Street (904) 829-6880
• Sweetwater Coffee Bar and Gallery 8 Granada Street (904) 615-1653

Historic Art District

• Ancient City Art Gallery 11E Aviles Street (904) 481-8741
• Aviles Gallery 11C Aviles Street (904) 823-8608
• CJK Art Gallery & Studio 212 C Charlotte Street (904) 238-8900
• Crisp-Ellert Art Museum 48 Sevilla Street (904) 819-6220
• Georgia Nick Gallery 11A Aviles Street (904) 342-2186
• Joel Bagnal Goldsmith 11C Aviles Street (904) 614-4706
• Lilu's Arts and Antiques 82 Charlotte Street (904) 392-6231
• PAStA Gallery 214 Charlotte Street (904) 824-0251
• Plum Gallery 10 Aviles Street (904) 825-0069
• St. Augustine Art Association 22 Marine Street (904) 824-2310

Mainland District

• Ovico Gallery 2802 N 5th Street., Suite 4 (904) 789-2039

Ponce De Leon Boulevard District

• Recycled Glass Art Studio 105 South Ponce de Leon Boulevard, suite C (904) 417-3746
• Coconut Barrel 3175 US 1 South (904) 484-8729

San Sebastian District

• Artbox 137 King Street (386) 986-0368
• Butterfield Garage Art Gallery 137A King Street (904) 825-4577

St. George District

• Lost Art Gallery 210 St. George Street C-1 (904) 827-9800
• Sea Spirits Gallery and Gifts 210 St. George Street, C-2 (904) 679-3811

Uptown District

• Gloria Grace Art Studio 77 San Marco Avenue, unit 2 (505) 803-4926
• Neff Jewelers 7 Rohde Avenue (904) 829-5003

First Friday Art Walk Concert at Cathedral Basilica

• Presented by the music department of the Cathedral Basilica of St. Augustine, the First Friday Art Walk Concert Series coincides with St. Augustine's First Friday Art Walk. The concert takes place from 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. on the First Friday of each month at the Cathedral Basilica.
• The organ recital is free and open to the public. Donations are accepted.
• Occasionally, the concert will host various artists and musicians for the First Friday concert.
• Admission: Admission is free, but donations are gladly accepted. When: 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. on the first Friday of each month. Where: The Cathedral Basilica is at 38 Cathedral Place in historic downtown St. Augustine, Florida 32084.

Billy Price At Café Eleven

• Cafe Eleven presents Billy Price in their listening room on Friday, April 5, 2024, at 8:00 p.m.
• Renowned soul singer Billy Price gained prominence for his collaboration with blues musician, Roy Buchanan. This dynamic duo embarked on a journey across the United States, gracing iconic venues such as Carnegie Hall, The Roxy and Troubadour, and the Newport Jazz Festival with their soulful performances.
• In 1990, the Billy Price Band came into existence, featuring Eric Spaulding on guitar, Tom Valentine on bass, Dave Dodd on drums, Joe Herndon on trumpet, Jimmy Britton on the keyboard, and Lenny Smith on guitar.
• Price's discography includes Is It Over?, Free at Last, The Soul Collection, Danger Zone, Can I Change My Mind?, Night Work, Alive and Strange, Reckoning, Dog Eat Dog, and his most recent album, 50 Years of Soul.
• Receiving the City Paper Readers' Poll Award, nominations at the Blues Music Awards, and becoming a Pittsburgh Rock 'n Roll Inductee marks just a few of Price's achievements during his illustrious career.
• Admission: Tickets are $15.00 if purchased in advance and $20.00 on the day of the performance. Reserved table seating costs $25.00. Purchase tickets in advance online or purchase them at Cafe Eleven on the day of the show.
• When: Friday, April 5, 2024, at 8:00 p.m.
• Where: Cafe Eleven, 501 A1A Beach Blvd, St. Augustine, Florida 32080. On the corner of A1A and 11th Street, one block from St. Augustine Beach.

Previously, on Hell’s Kitchen…
20 years since the infamous restaurant opened its doors to the first 12 contestants, 20 aspiring chefs entered Hell’s Kitchen eager to prove to Chef Ramsay why they deserved to become his next head chef. Before they could cook anything, however, Ramsay wanted them to observe first, as he had a team of professionals run a lunch service to show how the kitchens should be run. Ramsay invited the diners to return for tomorrow night’s opening and promised a completed service, then he had the chefs prepare their signature dishes. Some were good…
Ramsay: “That is absolutely delicious. A perfect five, well done.”
Some were bad…
Ramsay: “The duck is still quacking, young lady, that’s how fuckin’ raw it is.”
And some made Ramsay question why he even bothered to come back.
Ramsay: “Let me tell you, twenty years of signature dishes, that right there, is embarrassing. It belongs in a toxic waste bin, not on a plate.”
But Gordon Ramsay isn’t the kind to give up on his chefs so easily, and in dinner service, despite some struggles, both teams justified his patience by delivering on his promise and completing the opening night service. One team, however, stood out, and that was the red team, who were named the winners.
At elimination, the blue team shocked Ramsay when they announced that their nominees were…
Samantha: “Sandro”
And…
Samantha: “Ramona”
Ramsay had his own nominees in mind, Nick and Vaughan, and it was ultimately Nick who got sent home after a disastrous performance on meat, which brought his short-lived dream of a quarter-million dollar salary and an executive chef position at Gordon Ramsay Steak in Vancouver, British Columbia to a very abrupt end.
​
https://reddit.com/link/1bmsyyo/video/2j4fmle5xbqc1/player
And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen…
After Nick’s elimination, Ramsay told the blue team to get their issues sorted out, because they were cooking more like individuals than a team, then he dismissed the chefs back to the dorms for the night. As they were walking down the hallway, Sandro and Ramona both expressed their frustration with being nominated, with Ramona saying Grace was just targeting her because she wanted to get rid of the competition. Grace shot back that she wasn’t scared of anybody, and was only concerned with people getting too big for their britches. While they continued to bicker, Carole said in a confessional that someone had to be the adult in the room here, and she suggested that everyone needed to calm down, otherwise they would keep losing challenges and services. Grace said they wouldn’t win anything as long as they had chefs like Sandro, Ramona, and Vaughan. Vaughan was furious to be mentioned as a weak link and said he busted his ass off on garnish, which set off more arguing. Samantha said in her confessional that the blue team was like a boat with too many leaks to address at once.
While the blue team tried to work out their problems, the red team was feeling confident after winning both the signature dish challenge and opening night service. Thomas said in a confessional that he was very happy with his team, as they had several strong chefs, including himself, and he didn’t think the blue team stood a chance. Meanwhile, Melody, Lauren and Faye were already becoming a close knit group, with Faye becoming a mentor-figure to the two younger ladies. Michael walked over and started chatting with them as well, saying they were going to kick the blue team’s ass again tomorrow, to which they all agreed. Deidra and Everett were forming an unlikely bond of their own due to their southern roots, while Shane. Priya and Hector chatted on their own. Eventually, after a long night, both teams finally got to bed.
Challenge
The chefs came downstairs the next morning, and Ramsay told them that today, they would be competing as individuals for the first time in the punishment pass challenge. Grace said in her confessional that she definitely wanted to impress Ramsay this time after her underwhelming signature dish, while Thomas was confident that whatever Ramsay wanted them to make, he could handle it. Ramsay said that since fish seemed to be an issue in both kitchens last night, they were going to show him they could cook it by preparing a dish featuring a seafood protein of their choice. He then told them they had 45 minutes starting from now.
The chefs scrambled into their respective kitchens and started trying to come up with ideas for their dishes. Lauren, Thomas, and Shane all expressed confidence in their confessionals, while Priya said in her confessional that after her awful signature dish, she was desperate to redeem herself in this challenge, and Deidra said in her confessional she should rock this challenge as seafood was one of her specialties. In the blue kitchen, several members also had confessionals while cooking. Grace said she already knew her dish was going to win, as she knew Gordon Ramsay’s style better than anyone here and knew what would impress him. Sandro said this was an important challenge from him as he wanted to show his team that he wasn’t just a wacky old guy with an executive chef title. Adele said she wasn’t the loudest person in the room, especially in this blue team, but she hoped her cooking could speak for itself. Eventually, Ramsay counted down the final seconds, then told the chefs to stop what they were doing and bring their dishes up to the pass.
At this point, Ramsay told the chefs to discuss amongst themselves and vote on the three best dishes in each team. The red team quickly settled on Lauren, Deidra and Melody’s dishes being the best, while the blue team had a more drawn out discussion, with Travis’ dish being included quickly, but debate breaking out over whether Grace, Sandro, Samantha or Carole’s dish should take the last two spots. Eventually, over Grace’s objections, the team decided to put Sandro’s dish up, and hers as well. Ramsay told the top six chefs that he was going to judge the red team’s dishes first.
Lauren’s sea bass was delightful and set the bar high for her teammates, and Ramsay praised her for another strong dish. Deidra’s halibut was well-cooked, but the garnish didn’t work for Ramsay, and he said it wasn’t quite as good as Lauren’s. Deidra said in her confessional that it was disappointing to lose in a challenge where she felt she had an advantage over everyone else, but she had to admit that Lauren was a great cook. Finally, Melody presented her ahi tuna dish, and Ramsay said it was beautiful presentation-wise, but she’d already duped him once before. After tasting it…Ramsay asked why she couldn’t have cooked her signature dish that perfectly, because that was delicious. Ramsay had a tough choice on his hands, as he said there were two very good dishes he had to decide between, but he decided that the first chef who deserved a punishment pass…was Melody. He gave her the pass and said it was nice of her to start actually cooking her food, and not to stop now. Melody was giddy in her confessional, and said it felt so good to redeem herself after her performance on day one. Lauren said in her own confessional that she was happy for Melody, but hopefully, they would win enough challenges that they wouldn't need that punishment pass regardless.
Next, Ramsay told the blue team’s top three to step forward. Travis led off with his lobster dish, and Ramsay noted it was very nice, though nothing seemed spectacular about it. Travis said in a confessional that he felt good about his dish, and now all he could do was wait and hope that neither Grace or Sandro could top it. Sandro went next with his grilled salmon, and tried to crack a joke when introducing the dish, but Ramsay told him to just be serious for two seconds. Sandro admitted in a confessional that he cracked jokes when he got nervous, and hoped Ramsay could look past that. Ramsay tasted the dish…and said he loved it, and that Sandro finally presented something worthy of an executive chef. Sandro was pumped in his confessional, saying he was back, and now he was desperately hoping Grace didn’t surpass him. Grace said in her confessional that she would be pissed to lose to Sandro of all people, but she wasn’t worried about that in the least. She presented her John Dory, which Ramsay said looked much better than her first dish in terms of finesse, and after tasting it, he said it had a very nice flavor to it. Ramsay now faced another tough choice, but in the end, the dish that had impressed him the most was…Sandro’s.
Ramsay handed Sandro the pass and told him to keep his standards up there, where they belonged. Sandro went back to his team and got a warm reception from Ramona, Carole and Adele who congratulated him on earning the pass. Ramona said in her confessional that if it couldn’t be her, she was glad it was Sandro and not Grace.
Reward / Punishment
Ramsay congratulated Melody and Sandro on earning the punishment passes and urged them to use them wisely. Next, he moved on to the reward and punishment. Because it was an individual challenge, and not everyone’s dish was judged, he decided to give the “losing” chefs a non-traditional punishment. They were going to spend the day with Marino in Hell’s Kitchen learning how to toss salads and be waiters, because these were skills they would need in the next service. He said it was up to them whether they took this as a punishment or a chance to grow. As for the two winners, Ramsay said they had a fun day ahead, as they were going to go skydiving at iFly, then join him for an elegant lunch with a beautiful view of the city. Ramsay then told Sandro and Melody that they could each choose one of their teammates to save from Marino’s “classroom” and bring along for the reward. Sandro picked Ramona and said in his confessional that he felt they had a nice friendship going despite the 20 year age gap, as she reminded him of his own kids. Melody said she was taking Lauren, saying in her confessional that Lauren was their best chef to this point and deserved the reward. Ramsay told the four of them to hurry up and get changed, as their limo was waiting.
While Melody, Lauren, Sandro and Ramona were on their way to a thrilling day of indoor skydiving, everyone else was left behind in Hell’s Kitchen for the far more mundane task of learning the art of waiting tables and tossing salads. Grace was again annoyed that many of the other chefs didn’t seem to be as engaged as her, and said in her confessional that she had been a fan of Gordon ever since the first season of Hell’s Kitchen, and that she deserved this more than any of the others. Hector said in a confessional that he was bored out of his mind and didn’t see what the point of this was, while Shane said in his own confessional that he was here to cook, not to be a waiter, so this didn’t concern him at all. Regardless of some of the chefs not being all there, Marino showed them the ins and outs of being a waiter and taking down tickets, as well as tossing Caesar salads. Though some of the chefs saw it as beneath them, Faye told her teammates that she had been a waitress in the previous season, and this was all important information to know. Everett said in his confessional that Faye knew better than them at this point, so he was going to trust her and start paying more attention.
While the other chefs were being taken back to school by Marino, the two punishment pass winners and their companions were enjoying the thrills of iFly’s wind tunnels. Sandro in particular seemed to be having a blast, and he said in a confessional that he probably would have passed out if they had done actual skydiving. Melody giggled in her confessional and said that she had never experienced anything like this, and she was glad she got to share the experience with the other three. After their skydiving experience, the chefs were transported to a chic lunch spot where they ate on the balcony with a gorgeous view of LA sprawled out below. Ramsay congratulated Melody and Sandro on earning the punishment passes and told all four of them to keep it up in tonight’s service, as he didn’t want to go backwards after the success of opening night. The chefs all promised that they would complete service again, and Ramsay offered up a toast to everyone back in Hell’s Kitchen, who were probably sick of Marino by now.
Pre-Service
Melody, Lauren, Sandro, and Ramona returned to Hell’s Kitchen to find the other chefs had already gotten started on prep. Some on the blue team gave Sandro and Ramona the silent treatment, with Vaughan saying in his confessional that he couldn’t care less about them and was focused on getting his groove back in service. while Carole, Travis and Jordan welcomed them back, and Jordan said they had to win this service. Ramona agreed and said in a confessional that she couldn’t go down in flames after the way she started, but first she had to convince her team that Grace was wrong about her. Meanwhile, in the red kitchen, Faye asked Melody and Lauren how the reward was and seemed happy for them. Thomas said that it sounded like they had a good time, and said in his confessional that he didn’t hold a grudge against either of them, as they both had strong dishes, and he simply had to do better in the next challenge. Shane was annoyed in his confessional, however, as he still felt that his dish was better than Melody’s and should have been put up in the challenge. Michael said in his confessional that Shane’s constant sulking was getting on his nerves, and he wished Ramsay would send him home already, or at least put him on the blue team.
The chefs continued prepping, until it was nearly time for service to begin, and Ramsay told them that after the success of opening night, he didn’t want to see any letoff. He also announced that he hoped they had been paying attention to Marino earlier, because two of them were going to be serving as waiters, and the chefs on garnish were going to be tossing Caesar salads. Ramsay chose Travis from the blue team and Deidra from the red team as waiters and told them to join Marino in the dining room. Then, he called out to Marino and told him to open Hell’s Kitchen.
Dinner Service
The doors opened and guests streamed into the dining room for the second dinner service in this 20th anniversary season of Hell’s Kitchen.
In the blue kitchen, Adele and Carole were on appetizers, Ramona and Sandro were on fish, and Grace and Jordan were on garnish. Ramona was glad she and Sandro were paired up together for this service and said in a confessional that they were going to rock the fish station tonight. Travis was able to get the tickets to the window in good time, but appetizers got off to a rough start again for the blue team, as Adele couldn’t consistently make risottos, and had several rejected for being soupy and overcooked. Carole, on the other hand, had one lobster spaghetti rejected for being served with raw lobster, but did manage to recover. Meanwhile, Ramona had some early trouble on fish, as she panicked and dropped orders for tables that had not even been called yet, and Ramsay asked Sandro to calm her down because she was just throwing away money at this point. Grace said in a confessional that fish was an easy station and Ramona was hopeless. With Sandro’s guidance, Ramona finally got her scallops to the pass and they were cooked perfectly. Unfortunately, Sandro forgot about his own scallops, and they were absolutely scorched. Eventually, they managed to recover and get their orders to the dining room, along with Adele finally serving acceptable risottos. Meanwhile, Grace’s salads were all tossed perfectly to Ramsay’s praise, while Jordan had several rejected for being sloppy, and Grace said in her confessional that, unsurprisingly, she was the only one who actually prepared for this.
In the red kitchen, Michael and Everett had the responsibility of running apps, while Shane and Melody were on fish and Lauren and Priya were on garnish. Once Deidra got the first tickets in, they were able to get started. Thanks to Michael’s leadership on apps, he and Everett managed to get their risottos and lobster spaghetti to the pass and accepted with decent consistency, as the only mistakes were Everett serving a crunchy spaghetti and having a communication issue with the fish station that led him to drag on orders. Michael’s perfect risottos earned Ramsay’s praise, and he said to keep it up. On the fish station, Shane got off to a good start by serving perfect scallops, and he said in his confessional that Melody was just getting in the way and he could do this himself, but then he got in trouble for serving undercooked scallops, and only pissed off Ramsay further when he suggested that the stove wasn't cooking them properly, as Ramsay asked if it was the stove’s fault now. Melody got confused on an order and asked Ramsay to repeat the ticket. Ramsay called her “little miss ditzy” and said he couldn’t hold her hand through the entire competition. Melody said in her confessional that from now on, she was going to stop overthinking, and she finally managed to get her scallops to the pass, which were all cooked perfectly. Both Lauren and Priya also had problems with the caesar salads, as several were poorly tossed, and they were dragging, which Ramsay couldn’t understand, as he said it was just salads, not a five course meal. Lauren said in a confessional that she just needed to calm down, and after taking the lead on the station, they were eventually able to get the salads out.
Back in the blue kitchen, Ramsay was ready to start calling out entrees, and it was up to Vaughan and Samantha on meat to get their team rolling, with Vaughan saying in his confessional that this was his time to rise up like Rocky Balboa and start kicking ass Philly-style, and he did manage to get his first round of New York Strip steaks accepted, which only got him more pumped in another confessional. Samantha, on the other hand, had immediate problems with the Wellingtons. Her first two for the table were so raw that they were still blue, and Ramsay then became irate when he saw that the oven was barely on, and he sarcastically said turning the heat up a little might help. Her second attempt was still undercooked, and Ramsay asked her if she needed to borrow Melody’s glasses to see how raw it was. The final straw came when he asked how long, and she said she was still over 10 minutes out. Ramsay told her to switch with Grace on garnish. Grace and Vaughan were not happy to be paired together and immediately began bickering, with Grace saying in her confessional that this was her station now, and Vaughan saying in his that she needed to take a long walk off a short pier with that attitude of hers. Both of them soon ended up in trouble with Ramsay himself, as Vaughan served raw New York Strip and Grace served burnt Wellingtons. Samantha then sent up several salads that were absolutely soaked in dressing, and an outraged Ramsay said that she had screwed every station she had been on in two services, and enough was enough. He told her to get out and go back to the dorms. She tried to protest, but he told her again to get out, and she finally did so, saying in her confessional that she couldn’t understand why she felt apart so badly. Out in the dining room, Travis found himself having to answer diners’ questions about why the food was taking so long, and he said he felt ashamed, and wished his team could get it together.
While the blue team was fighting a losing battle on entrees, the red team was relying on Hector and Thomas on meat to get out the entrees and push them to another convincing victory. Hector was struggling almost immediately though, as his first New York Strip was poorly sliced, and the next one was undercooked. Thomas served undercooked Wellingtons for the first table, and kicked himself in his confessional, saying he knew he should be doing better than this, but he bounced back with perfect Wellingtons on his next attempt and was doing a good job of being vocal and driving the tickets. Unfortunately, Hector was having a tough time recovering from his own issues, as he served raw filet mignon for the entire table, and Ramsay took him to the pantry to ask what the hell he was doing. Hector admitted he was feeling frazzled right now, but promised to get his head back in the game. Ramsay told him to wake up, and wake up quickly. Back in the kitchen, Thomas was working meat alone and said in a confessional that he felt better working by himself than with Hector, but he accepted Faye’s offer to help out as there were a lot of orders. Together, they were able to get their meat entrees served without any mistakes. On the fish station, Shane sent up raw halibut, then wasn’t talking to anybody when they asked him how long for his refire. After he sent up an overcooked halibut, Ramsay asked him if he would serve that in his restaurant. Shane said he didn’t think it was that bad. Ramsay had enough and told him to fuck off out of here and get back to the dorms. With Shane gone, Ramsay told Everett to get on fish and help Melody out. Melody sent an undercooked salmon, but her next one was perfect, and they were able to get the rest of the fish entrees out without any issues. With Lauren leading from garnish, and Faye and Thomas doing a lot of the heavy lifting for Hector on meat, the red team managed to get their entrees out smoothly from that point. Deidra had a far different experience from Travis, as she was able to charm her diners and keep food flowing out to them, and said in a confessional that the red team definitely took this one.
While the red kitchen started to get their act together, the blue kitchen was starting to fall apart thanks to Grace and Vaughan having problems communicating with each other and their teammates. After they each served undercooked New York Strip and Wellington multiple times and gave conflicting times, Ramsay said he was dying because absolutely nothing was leaving the kitchen, and he told both Grace and Vaughan to get out and give Samantha some company in the dorms. Ramsay then told Adele and Carole to get on the meat station and called Travis back in to help out, and things were headed in the right direction as Carole served beautifully cooked New York Strip and filet mignon, while Ramona and Sandro both served perfect halibut and salmon, and Travis managed to give Jordan much needed support on garnish, but the entire order was being held up by Adele’s Wellingtons, and when she brought them up, they were still ice cold. Ramsay said the red team were already done with entrees, and he simply could not take this anymore, then he asked them all to do him one big favor.
Ramsay: “One, two, three, four, five of you, get out of my sight. Out! Get out!”
Sandro pleaded with Ramsay to let him stay, but Ramsay again told them to get out, and to come up with two nominees, as they had clearly lost. As what remained of the blue team trudged silently down the hallway, Sandro was deeply upset in his confessional, saying he had never been kicked out of a kitchen in his entire career, and this was an utter humiliation.
Meanwhile, the red kitchen was already on desserts, and Michael said in his confessional that he could hear the blue team being kicked out, and had a feeling they had won again. Sure enough, Ramsay came in a moment later and asked for a few volunteers to go over to the blue kitchen and finish serving their tables. After several minutes, the red team managed to serve the entire dining room, and Ramsay thanked them for salvaging service and told them to clear down.
Post-Mortem
The post-mortem was short from Ramsay, as he tore into the blue team for their terrible performance and said that two nominees weren’t good enough this time, he wanted three. He congratulated the red team on another convincing win, and sent both teams back to the dorms.
Back in the dorms, the blue team immediately got to work deliberating, and early on, it was clear that the three chefs who were kicked out first: Samantha, Vaughan, and Grace, were going to be the most likely to go up. However, Grace argued vehemently against her being lumped in with Vaughan and Samantha, saying she was doing great until she was partnered with Vaughan, and blaming him for screwing over the meat station. Vaughan laughed, and that only pissed Grace off more as she said he wasn’t taking this seriously, but Vaughan said he was laughing because she never once took any accountability for her mistakes. Grace said that Ramona should go up because she was in over her head and panicked on the fish station. More arguing ensued, and Ramona said in a confessional that it was happening all over again with Grace turning the team against her. Ramona went over to sit by herself but was soon joined by Sandro, who tried to assure her that there was no way she was going home tonight.
While the blue team were arguing about their nominees, the red team were discussing the fact that at some point soon, Ramsay might decide it was time to start sending the red team’s chefs over. Faye expressed concern in her confessional, saying she absolutely did not want to go over to another toxic team after her experience last season. The others expressed similar thoughts openly, with Lauren saying in a confessional that they were a close group already, and it would suck for any of them to have to go and deal with whatever the hell was going on over there. Only Thomas seemed to say he was interested in the challenge, as he noted in a confessional that the red team already had several strong chefs with Lauren, Faye, Michael and himself, while there was a clear vacuum of leadership in the blue kitchen, which could be an opportunity for someone to step up and stand out. Melody said in a confessional that she was worried Ramsay might choose Lauren to join the blue team and didn’t want to lose her.
Elimination ceremony
The blue team entered the dining room again after a disastrous second dinner service, and Ramsay told them that they had taken a huge step backwards after the success of opening night. He called on Travis and asked him for the blue team’s first nominee and why. Travis said that the blue team had come to a unanimous decision on…Samantha, based on the fact that she had struggled at every station she attempted in the first two services. Ramsay asked for the second nominee and why. Travis said that the blue team had also unanimously decided to vote for…Vaughan, due to the fact that he sank the meat station even with two different partners. Ramsay asked for the third nominee and why. Travis hesitated this time, but finally, he announced that…the majority of the team had chosen Ramona as the third nominee, due to her panicking and being out of her depth on fish. Ramsay said Travis didn’t sound very sure of himself. Travis admitted that personally, he didn’t agree with Ramona being nominated, and thought Grace should have gone up for being kicked out and having an entitled attitude. Grace fumed silently while Ramsay was annoyed that the blue team was still not working together. He then told Samantha, Vaughan, Ramona…and Grace, to all step forward and explain to him why they should stay in Hell’s Kitchen.
Samantha: “Chef, I wish you would have let me stay in the kitchen, I feel like I could've turned it around and didn’t get a chance to show you.”
Ramsay asked Samantha if she was serious right now, as she had now been on three different sections and screwed them all over. Samantha pleaded that she knew she could improve if just given one more chance.
Vaughan: “I ain’t an easy guy to break, chef. Tonight, the shit really hit the fan on the meat station, and I dropped the ball. I’m down right now, but I ain’t out. I promise you that.”
Ramsay simply said he wished he could see as much passion in Vaughan’s cooking as he did in his words. Vaughan promised he would see that in the next service.
Ramona: “I did panic early in the service, chef, but I fought back and finished strong. I don’t think I belong up here, I know I can do so much better!”
Ramsay asked Ramona straight up if her signature dish was a fluke, and she replied that it definitely wasn’t, and she would show him in the next service. He asked her if she thought she was stronger than Grace, which she said she was, and that led to more bickering between them, until Ramsay finally put a stop to it and asked Grace why she should stay.
Grace: “I’m more passionate about Hell’s Kitchen than anyone here, chef. This is my life’s goal, to be your protegé. I know I have the talent, and I know I can succeed with a great chef like you mentoring me-”
Ramsay stopped her and said he was looking for an executive chef, not someone to blow smoke up his ass. He said he appreciated the work ethic, as she was the only one to nail all of her salads in service on the first try, but wanted to know if she really thought she was good enough to run a brigade. Grace answered that she was, without a doubt.
Ramsay said that while each chef here was flawed, there was one who was beyond his help at this time.
Ramsay: “The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen, right now, is…”
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Ramsay: “Samantha. Give me your jacket, and leave Hell’s Kitchen.”
Elimination music
Ramsay: “This is not working, young lady. You had a strong start with the signature dish, then it just all fell to pieces. Two services, three sections, three disasters. I simply don’t have the time to mold you into the executive chef of Gordon Ramsay Steak. Thank you, and good night.”
Samantha’s comment
“I do feel like I had a lot more to offer here, definitely more than someone like Grace or Vaughan. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t get my head in the game, so a stronger chef went home tonight. I’m so disappointed in myself, and I just wish I could go back and do this service again, because I know I would kill it 99 times out of 100.”
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After Samantha’s elimination, Ramsay warned the blue team that he could not tolerate this level of incompetence much longer, and if they didn’t make some major progress immediately, a change would have to be made. With that, he dismissed both teams to the dorms for the night. As the chefs exited the kitchen, several of them had confessionals. Ramona said that Grace could not get rid of her so easily, and that she couldn’t wait to see “that bitch” get what was coming to her. Grace said that Ramsay had to have seen something in her to keep her another day, and she wasn’t going to let anyone stand in her way on her climb to the top. Vaughan said that he was everyone’s punching bag, but in the next service, he would show them all why he belonged here. Everett said the blue team was a nightmare, and thank god he wasn’t over there. Faye said she was still worried Ramsay might want her to go to the blue team, but wanted to enjoy winning with the red team and not dwell on those concerns. Shane said it was embarrassing to be kicked out of service when he was clearly the best chef here, and everyone would find out who they were dealing with soon.
Placement
https://preview.redd.it/irpxbztf1cqc1.png?width=2534&format=png&auto=webp&s=0ca76bedb7b3189f6b62c459d8f08f6d879e3b25

I’ve decided to rewatch every Amazing Race and rank them all.
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SEASON 19 gets a 5/10
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This is probably the most forgotten season. I personally found it very dull and underwhelming with no standout teams or big moments. I only just finished rewatching this season and it’s hard to remember many big moments that define this season. There were some very likeable teams but I just found there was no character growth or drama at all (so I don’t have strong opinions on most teams). Although, it did have a “feel good” vibe and there were some very small characters moments that stopped this season from being “terrible”. Ultimately there were 3-4 fantastic legs but the rest ranged from dull to average.
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General Thoughts
- This season felt very laid back and free of drama which some fans may prefer. TAR17 and TAR18 also had somewhat of a laid back vibe but also had some interesting negative energy (Nick/Vicki, Chad/Stephanie, Kent/Vyxsin, Ron/Christina) to balance it. It also had teams who were funny (Michael/Kevin, Nick/Vicki again, Zev/Justin and Ron again) and TAR19 had neither of these. The teams mostly felt flat with not even any quirky characters. Some teams who had meltdown potential (Kaylani/Lisa, Liz/Marie, Justin/Jennifer, Ethan/Jenna) were out early and they were not pushed hard enough to “crack”. This “campy” feel can also be seen in the “previously on” segment where “Who will be eliminated….next” is followed by a team saying something silly or making a stupid noise..and then the intro. This is a really nitpicky complaint but I hate how they ruin the dramatic “Who will be eliminated” with something comical like “I’m gonna pee my pants”. Another nitpick is Phil ruining the non-elimination suspense by asking questions like “It’s been a rough day hasn’t it?” before the “non-elimination” reveal. These annoying additions started in TAR19, but they do have better TV maps this season I guess. They also seemed to give each eliminated team a story at the beginning of their elimination leg so it felt more obvious they would be eliminated - this has happened in previous seasons but seemed to happen more often here.
- The cast also felt gimmicky and the snow highlighted it even more by introducing the gimmicky teams first in the ep1 intro. Amani/Marcus (retired NFL player), Ethan/Jenna (Survivor winners), Laurence/Zac (first under 18 to sail around the world) and Andy/Tommy (Olympic snowboarders). You then had Kaylani/Lisa (Vegas showgirls) and Liz/Marie (perfect barbie twins) and we’ve sort of departed that era where you have 2 normal sisters like Mary/Peach, or a normal mother and daughter like Nancy/Emily or just 2 normal fun brothers like Ken/Gerard. It is harder to relate to gimmicky casts, although they can be interesting at times. Some teams like Ernie/Cindy and Bill/Cathi felt normal enough through.
- A big issue this season - there were no inter team dynamics at all. No alliances (maybe Andy/Tommy and Laurence/Zac very briefly), nobody hated anyone, nobody flirted with anyone, nobody argued with anyone. There wasn’t even any U-Turn drama (Ernie/Cindy U-Turned Bill/Cathi and it was never spoken of again). Classic seasons we would know who liked who and who disliked who but here I have no idea what Ernie/Cindy thought of Jeremy/Sandy or what Andy/Tommy thought of Amani/Marcus or what Bill/Cathi thought of Ernie/Cindy etc. Even the intra-team dynamics were mild with some very mild bickering with the siblings Justin/Jennifer and Liz/Marie getting the most heated scenes. Compare this to TAR3 where every single team in the final 4 had some sort of storyline with the other 3 teams (Ken/Gerard and Derek/Drew had an alliance, Flo and Drew had a showmance, teams were annoyed by Ian, Ken had a playful friendship with Flo etc).
- Ernie/Cindy winning was an okay outcome but “nothing special” which is honestly like most winners unfortunately. The show tends to edit these “dull and nice” winners but I guess Ernie/Cindy had an interesting enough relationship dynamic. Bill/Cathi would have been fantastic winners though, but besides that Ernie/Cindy seemed like a good enough outcome. Most fans probably preferred Andy/Tommy because of their dominance (despite many of their wins being because of penalties or special circumstances haha) and Amani/Marcus weren’t very strong racers. Good enough ending!
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Route
- The route was good though. Some new countries in Indonesia, Malawi, Denmark and Belgium, as well as Taiwan and Panama that are rarely visited. Thailand is the only overused country with way too many visits to Bangkok. Nice to see Atlanta as the finish city, but Los Angeles again as the start. I guess starting in the Buddhist temple was a nice way of tying in Taiwan as the first location. It was a very warm route with no cold places - Malawi seemed like the coldest place visited haha
- Challenges were actually not too bad. There were a few good mental puzzles in there - Bill/Cathi missing the billboard, lots of teams not giving ALL their money to the orphanage, looking for the 2 phrases on the tower in Denmark, teams not seeing Panama Viejo on the skirts, Jeremy/Sandy going to the wrong “Dump”, the Buddha statues and their hand symbols, disassembling and resembling the temple and even the Tintin costumes. I do feel some of the cryptic clues were misleading though. The orphanage had 8 out of 11 teams miss the card which suggests production made it too unclear. Teams should only worry about their clues and not random cards placed on a table. The same with the message on the skirts where more teams noticed the Balboa coins rather than the message. Thinking it was the Balboa statue is not necessarily wrong.
- This season brought back the Express Pass, a touch screen Double U-Turn (which had glare and was terrible to look at) and a new twist - the hazard. I personally didn’t mind the Hazard but it was really just a speed bump, but it only lasted 1 season. I like starting line challenges and this is the most successful so far (TAR15’s starting line elimination was unfair and TAR18’s automatic U-Turn also arguably screwed that team). The Double Elimination was okay but it also meant there was 1 extra non-elimination. It did feel like there were too many non-eliminations at the start - it was good in a returnee season but not newbie casts. There were also less clueboxes and some creative places to hide the clues which was nice.
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Cast Ranking
1.Bill/Cathi - they were so loveable and I believe were the strongest of the over 60 teams, although I preferred watching Meredith/Gretchen and Fran/Barry. They beat Jeremy/Sandy at 2 physical challenges and Bill outperformed athlete Marcus at the physical tobacco challenge. They still felt like underdogs but still competitive and it was a joy seeing them scrape through to the final 5. A lot of down to earth sweet moments like “We’re going to need ginseng to keep up”, Cathi perving on Bill rock climbing, and Cathi nagging Bill at the temple Road Block “Be quiet we can all hear you!” and nagging him to sit down in the truck in Africa. I love older teams and such a shame they are the last older team (with Derek/Shelisa in TAR36 being the closest in age to them).

1. Amani/Marcus - Marcus was very loud and loved his football analogies “We ran it for a touchdown” and his inspirational quotes…despite not performing that well haha I found Marcus similar to Mallory though - really likeable as a character but not necessarily entertaining or any storylines/depth. I liked when Marcus felt like “Big Easy” in the little taxi and also feeling like OJ but weren’t big on the drama or hilarity. But they were super respectful to one another and I remember Amani was shocked when Marcus got frustrated that 1 time in the finale (she didn’t want their children to see that). They were fun underdogs scraping through each week but still preferred Bill/Cathi.
   
2. Andy/Tommy - “The Snowboarders” were the “nice guys” who were threats. One of the first final bosses who were taken down at the final elimination, and somewhat controversially with the other taxis working together. They were likeable but not that entertaining with the only interesting thing I remember them doing was teasing Laurence by making faces from behind. I know they got some criticism for their comments about the Buddhist traditions (“We know the one true God”) but I didn’t think it was that bad. They’re not as memorable as the other male teams from that era - Cowboys, Globetrotters, Afganimals and Chippendales.
   
3. Ernie/Cindy - they were fine, had an endearing relationship story and some very minor disagreements. Cindy had the “overachieving Asian” storyline, prepared for the race excessively and freaked out over small things compared to calm Ernie. She was a control freak but seemed likeable at the same time. But they also had down to Earth cute moments too like “I feel so Asian right now” on the dragon boat, and Cindy gushing over how cute Ernie looked in the period costume. Ernie was super likeable being like “I can‘t believe an A student like Cindy would give a C student like me the time of day”. I believe Cindy may have been more interesting in a season where there was more alliances and drama around her.
   
4. Justin/Jennifer - had the most dramatic arguments (in a season full of niceness) with Justin being more meticulous and Jennifer being more impatient but then learnt to work together later. I sort of like bickering siblings because they feel more relatable and less uncomfortable than bickering couples. Some of their disagreements made the earlier episodes feel less dull I guess.
   
5. Liz/Marie - another team with some good bickering but also seemed upbeat and bubbly. Also had the backstory of racing for their father who recently passed and were underdogs who struggled quite a bit especially getting taxis with no money. Pretty likeable with some fun freakouts (like yelling “Maybe I’m dyslexic” in the first Road Block) but mostly just a generic early boot girl team. Both them and Justin/Jennifer would have made the end game more interesting.
   
6. Laurence/Zac - started off as the classic “sweet parent/child team” but then they showed Laurence being arrogant, thinking he was better than his son at everything (and also being wrong, like when Laurence didn’t want to take notes when disassembling the temple but Zac wanted to) and misogyny (several comments about the girls choosing sewing challenges). Laurence wasn’t hilariously arrogant like Ron (TAR12) but I’d prefer Laurence being a bit controversial than a Steve/Allie or Toni/Dallas who were sweet and boring. So they were fine but not stand out characters.
   
7. Jeremy/Sandy - were boring and were just the generic dating couple with mild bickering. It was almost like watching Jill/Thomas again who were just as irrelevant. Jeremy wanted to win for his son but besides that, they had no storylines and they did nothing memorable. I feel like they may have bickered more than what was shown like Sandy said “You told me yesterday you’d stop yelling at me” which we didn’t see. And Sandy had some minor witty comments if you watch closely but they were very underedited.
   
8. Kaylani/Lisa - had a great 1st leg with “We’re not going anywhere….because YOU have no passport” and surviving the Hazard and the passport situation…but not much after that besides Kaylani doing it for her daughter. Liz/Marie were the more endearing girl team.
   
9. Ethan/Jenna - were called out as threats for both having a million dollars and they thought Jenna was sneaky (plus Jenna being glad Bill/Cathi survived ONLY because they aren’t a threat). The Double elimination backfired because I think producers really wanted Ethan/Jenna to last longer. Jenna had some sass that this season needed but didn’t do much in their 2 legs.
   
10. Ron/Bill - don’t remember a single thing they did besides being the “token gay couple” and being 1 of 2 teams eliminated in the double elimination. Ethan/Jenna were given more focus so Ron/Bill were just a side note. I can’t even tell you how they came last. One of the most irrelevant teams ever even amongst first boots.
    

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Leg Rankings
1.Leg 8 - Denmark (F6 - Laurence/Zac eliminated) - had all the elements of a fantastic episode! A new city in Copenhagen, Flight drama (Cindy ignoring Laurence/Zac, and Amani/Marcus getting a bad flight), driving navigation (with some teams getting lost), an extra challenge which was finding the flags from the tower (Jeremy/Sandy going to the wrong place), I liked the period dancing Road Block (plus Bill sharing his sweet story of him and Cathi being high school sweethearts, with Cindy commenting “We just met in a bar over a shotski” haha), sexual innuendo at the butter churning challenge, placement shifts, a double U-Turn that actually impacts the leg (but doesn’t lead to instant elimination) and a tense finish with a come-from-behind by Amani/Marcus. And Laurence/Zac actually felt like a surprise boot since it seemed like Jeremy/Sandy would be last…so it’s good to feel surprised at the end. This leg had so many more character moments and drama with a more classic competitive feel.

1. Leg 11 - Panama (F4 - Andy/Tommy eliminated) - a great final 4 elimination mostly because of the drama surrounding the taxis working together. It started off with the Tintin challenge which had some fun moments - Andy/Tommy “We are Charlie Chaplin” and Jeremy “You look like a darn hot man” to Sandy dressed up haha The tattoos, high wire and making sandals/deliver seafood aren’t that great but the cryptic clue on the dresses creates a very exciting, tense, and somewhat controversial finish. Very chaotic seeing teams misinterpret the balboas on the dresses, and then 3 taxi drivers working together and screwing over the dominant Andy/Tommy. Whether it was fair or not, it at least got fans talking…because there honestly wasn’t much else to talk about this season haha Panama was a great location, placement shifts and a very memorable finish but misses #1 because not as much happens at the other tasks. Still one of my favourite final segments!
   
2. Leg 1 - Taiwan (F11 - Non elimination) - one of the better opening episodes with enough happening to keep it interesting despite not focusing on lots of teams. Begins with the starting line challenge where Kaylani/Lisa get the Hazard. Kaylani then loses her passport and a fan tweets and was able to return it…plus their bickering “We have to plan…what plan? YOU HAVE NO PASSPORT!” Probably the most fascinating moment of the season and I’m glad they included the fan interference! The billboard was a nice cryptic clue that sent poor Bill/Cathi to a random building for hours. The Confucius proverb challenge was okay (Liz/Marie bickering) but the dragon boat was very dull, although cultural, and it seemed impossible to fail. I would have preferred it to be the Hazard task and have every team do the bungee jump (not many height challenges this season). Didn’t mind the non-elimination here as long as they don’t do leg 1 non-eliminations often.
   
3. Leg 3 - Indonesia (F9 - Kaylani/Lisa eliminated) - had a slowish start but a fantastic finish counting the buddhas and running to the mat. Riding the bikes was pointless besides Cindy freaking out when the pedal broke, the farm detour had some fun moments - Cathi falling many times carrying the sacks in the mud haha and the sheep running away from her haha, Laurence using extra buckets (Andy/Tommy not pointing out the mistake to their allies), Amani/Marcus switching, Sandy reading the clue and being like “We can’t pronounce it” haha. But I loved the final Road Block - watching multiple teams work together to understand the 4 buddha symbols plus Marcus struggling even though he was given the answers earlier haha Great location at the Borobudar Temple! And then a tense race between 3 teams, Marcus/Amani trailing but then overtaking teams at the Road Block, many teams having to race back and pay their taxis before checking in. Would be higher if bigger moments earlier on.
   
4. Leg 2 - Indonesia (F11 - Ron/Bill and Ethan/Jenna eliminated) - challenges were bland with not much happening but the orphanage mistake at the end saves this episode. Some nice character moments at the start which were rare this season - teams congratulating Bill/Cathi on surviving the non-elimination (“Hello, we’re alive” with Bill limping haha) complaining about Ethan/Jenna and a big fight from Justin/Jennifer. Challenges however were really dull - a repel which had no drama, the speed bump was a very uncreative “untying a knot” and dancing for tips/parking motorbikes was bland. However the sign at the orphanage was a unique twist and produced some chaos coupled with the double elimination. I do however feel the editing seemed off and it didn’t feel as tense as it should be (most teams were just told to go back without any stress or emotion). But it did have Cindy having a minor freak out, Justin/Jennifer argued over running (“LEAVE ME ALONE IF I SAID I CANT RUN I CANT RUN!!!!”) and Ethan/Jenna lost their clue for 1 minute.
   
5. Leg 6 - Malawi (F7 - Non elimination) - another leg that was average at the start but ended with a tense final challenge (carrying the beds). These sort of legs would rank lower if in most other seasons. Overall there were some good cultural African tasks but they weren’t that challenging. Delivering the tobacco was a straightforward physical task, and sewing/making toys just aren’t that interesting TV. Laurence tells Jeremy to worry about marrying Sandy because she can’t sew eek but then Laurence cuts himself with the scissors and gets what he deserves for that sexism haha But not much drama or fun moments…and it had that positive feel good energy that seems to run throughout this season. Carrying the beds at the end however had Jeremy/Sandy arguing, a bed awkwardly falling on Cindy (“in African jail” haha and one of the funniest moments of the season), and a tense ending with Bill/Cathi going back to pay their driver and just passing Amani/Marcus on the way back.
   
6. Leg 4 - Thailand (F8 - Non elimination) - a pretty average leg with a decent Detour. Starting with teams mispronouncing Phuket and a small flight scramble (top 2 teams Laurence/Zac and Andy/Tommy work together but end up booking a flight later than everyone else). Planting coral in the watesetting up chairs and umbrellas each had some challenging aspects - one had strong waves (causing many teams to switch) and another had strong winds (umbrellas blowing everywhere…with 1 falling on Liz/Marie haha). Some stress and chaos with bickering from Justin/Jennifer, Jeremy/Sandy and especially Liz/Marie who scream at eachother and struggle with the umbrellas, even when Marcus tries to help them and sweet Bill/Cathi wish them luck as they leave them in last. But dull otherwise - the rock climbing seemed really easy and boring. And no big dramas or storylines or much of anything. Just generic island scenery and not much suspense once Liz/Marie fall behind.
   
7. Leg 9 - Denmark/Belgium (F5 - TBC) - These last 5 legs were generally unremarkable besides some small things here and there. Reciting the Hans Christian Andersen poem at the start was just okay (the judge “I need more drama!” was the star, plus Marcus trying to distract Amani so she won’t be distracted later made no sense haha and also Cindy trying to read the poem but a tour group coming and blocking her view), the puzzle on the Legoland ride was also just okay (“Does anybody have pesto bismol?”) and the bodybuilding had some fun moments with teams stripping to speedos (Cathi being like “my kids will die when they see this, I’m gonna die seeing this” and Phil giving it a go haha) The train equaliser right before it was disappointing but it had Cindy losing their train tickets and hoping a conductor wouldn’t catch them. Amani/Marcus surprisingly come 1st with Marcus “I haven’t been this nervous since I was in the principal’s office in the 3rd grade”. But no storylines, drama or excitement…and just average challenges.
   
8. Leg 12 - USA (F3 - Finale) - one of the duller finales unfortunately. While Marcus struggling at the flight simulator and Jeremy/Sandy going to the wrong “Dump” (a random Home Depot store instead of Margaret Mitchell’s home) were interesting, it also meant Ernie/Cindy took the lead and never lost it. The best finales have multiple teams together at the final challenge…and TAR19 did not have that. The typewriter challenge was too easy - while editing showed teams freaking out over the missing “1”, I’m sure it didn’t take them long to try a “i” or “L”. The memory challenge would have been better if they weren’t given the images in clues because I’m sure Cindy had prepared for this challenge, and she didn’t struggle at all. Ernie/Cindy’s taxi driver missing turns on his GPS was annoying as it was obvious it wouldn’t make a difference. It was a fitting end for Amani/Marcus to fall behind early and Marcus “missed a goal in the end zone and couldn’t close the super bowl” haha
   
9. Leg 7 - Malawi (F7 - Justin/Jennifer eliminated) - a pretty dull leg and was just teams doing generic challenges with no suspense! Challenges weren’t that interesting besides Jennifer not taking her clue on the bike ride and some mild bickering when rowing. The slide puzzle Speed Bump wasn’t that creative either, but Amani/Marcus found it a bit challenging I guess. Andy/Tommy outrunning Ernie/Cindy for 1st place was exciting with a very disappointed Cindy, but the U-Turn was underwhelming with Laurence/Zac U-turning a team in front of them. Justin/Jennifer fell behind early so it was fairly predictable especially with Justin talking about coming out to Jennifer at the start which seemed like a very foreshadowing elimination…which is common this season. The canoe/carrying people off the boat had some bickering and using an Express Pass. It would have been interesting if a team like Liz/Marie had to carry the people off the boat though…which is a possibility if they were still there and got U-Turned.
   
10. Leg 5 - Thailand (F8 - Liz/Marie eliminated) - found this leg boring, terrible challenges, not much drama and worst of all - very terribly designed! A very basic Road Block that was just searching a bit of water, washing an elephant for a Speed Bump, and then reassembling the spirit house - Andy/Tommy “God is definitely greater than a temple” mixed with Jennifer saying “While it may not be the same religion as mine, it still warrants the same amount of respect”. Besides that it was just whether teams took notes or not. Then a bus to Bangkok and some taxi rides to the pit stop. I appreciate some old school navigation dramas - Laurence/Zac getting off a bus because they thought you couldn’t travel first class on buses, Ernie/Cindy have a fight with their taxi driver with a local threatening to call the police (“You were a terrible driver” but feeling bad afterwards) and Liz/Marie having no money and getting free taxi. These little moments and the unique struggle of Liz/Marie stops it from being ranked last.
    
11. Leg 10 - Belgium (F5 - Bill/Cathi eliminated) - Sorry but this was a very boring episode. Challenges were boring, no drama at all, not much difficulty and the teams mostly plodded through with nothing memorable happening. It started with a boring Ford Mustang product placement challenge where nothing happened and took up a lot of airtime. Decorating the waffles was better but not that great either besides a few difficulties, especially Jeremy/Sandy. Cindy laughing “We'll call that waffle Ernie because it farts” haha Releasing and following the pigeons at the end was unique but not something that would alter placements (which the end of a final 5 elimination needs). Amani/Marcus scrape through again in 4th with Marcus of course calling next leg a conference championship. But a sad ending for Bill/Cathi especially knowing that Bill passes away a few years after.
    

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Summary
So I ranked this as the second worst US season so far mostly due to the cast being dull and “too nice” which meant there was less drama in the legs and I genuinely didn’t feel much for the teams at the end. I would even rank it behind unpopular seasons such as TAR4 and TAR8 because they had dynamic characters like Kelly/Jon, Tian/Jaree, The Weavers and The Paolos. It did have some likeable teams so I ranked it above TAR16 which was also a dull season. But this is possibly the most forgettable season - it wasn’t necessarily bad, just not as interesting as most other seasons. Around half the legs were average or dull but there were of course some good legs. Some may like the laid back feel but I didn’t unfortunately.
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So after each season I will place it on a ranking:
1.TAR5 - 10/10

1. TAR3 - 10/10
   
2. TAR12 - 9/10
   
3. TAR17 - 9/10
   
4. TAR18 - 9/10
   
5. TAR2 - 8/10
   
6. TAR7 - 8/10
   
7. TAR11 - 8/10
   
8. TAR13 - 8/10
   
9. TAR6 - 8/10
   
10. TAR10 - 7/10
    
11. TAR14 - 7/10
    
12. TAR1 - 7/10
    
13. TAR9 - 7/10
    
14. TAR15 - 6/10
    
15. TAR4 - 6/10
    
16. TAR8 - 6/10
    
17. TAR19 - 5/10
    
18. TAR16 - 5/10
    

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342 chefs…
304 dinner services…
20 years…
Since 2005. Gordon Ramsay has invited aspiring chefs from all across the nation to prove themselves in the most intense kitchen environment they’ve ever worked in. Over the course of several weeks, they are pushed to the absolute limit and beyond. Ramsay’s infamous high standards have humbled even the most arrogant chefs…whether they liked it or not.
Ramsay shown yelling at chefs through the years
Even so, the chefs know that there is a method to the madness of Hell’s Kitchen, and they know if they work hard and persevere through the valleys, they could be the one standing atop the mountain at the end. Last season, steakhouse chef Ken Morimoto opened his door and has now taken a huge step in his journey as the executive chef of Hell’s Kitchen in Washington D.C, just the latest of Chef Ramsay’s success stories.
Ken is shown leading his brigade in the kitchen
For Ramsay, however, the pursuit of perfection is a one that is never truly over, and that means while his proteges celebrate their successes, he’s already looking for the next diamond in the rough. One individual with the passion and talent needed to take on the task of running a fine dining restaurant.
Camera pans over the hills of the California countryside and into the city of Los Angeles, focusing first on the iconic Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, then panning over to the HK bus navigating the busy streets.
Now, two decades since the first competition, it’s time for these twenty fresh-faced chefs to begin their own journey…into Hell.
​
https://reddit.com/link/1bl3uux/video/9nof69kfxwpc1/player
And now, the premiere of the 20th anniversary season of Hell’s Kitchen…
The bus carrying the chefs wended its way through the streets, nearing its destination. Inside, the twenty contestants talked amongst themselves, some forming fast friendships, and all looking forward to meeting their culinary idol. When the bus pulled up to Hell’s Kitchen, however, it was not Chef Ramsay who greeted them, nor Marino, the Maitre’d, but three people that most of the chefs recognized from having watched Hell’s Kitchen. Michael said in the first confessional of the season that Ramsay really rolled out the red carpet for them with this. The chefs disembarked and eagerly rushed over to get a better look at the three culinary geniuses that were standing before them. The oldest person introduced himself as Michael Wray, the first winner of Hell’s Kitchen. The second person started to introduce herself before Grace said they all knew who Christina Wilson was. Christina smiled and said she was flattered. The third person introduced himself as Ken Morimoto, the most recent winner of Hell’s Kitchen.
Speaking for the three past winners, Christina said Ramsay sent them to collect the chefs to show them who’s footsteps they were following, and the standards that would be expected from them in the competition. She then asked the chefs if they were ready for their tour. The chefs enthusiastically answered that they were, and Michael said to follow them. Thomas said in a confessional that even for someone of his age and experience, he couldn’t help but feel excited to get a personal tour from three former winners. The chefs were awed as their guides showed them the portraits hung on the wall of all the past winners, and all of them noticed an empty picture frame next to Ken’s, which was where this season’s winner would be displayed. As the tour continued, they found Marino straightening out a picture frame, and Christina said hello, which startled the Maitre’d.
Marino was surprised to see the chefs, saying he thought they were going to get here tomorrow. Michael joked that Jean-Phillipe would never have made such a mistake, but said it wasn’t a big deal, as he was sure Ramsay wouldn’t mind meeting the chefs early. Marino said the problem was that there was a lunch service currently in progress. Everyone was taken aback by this, with Carole openly wondering why Ramsay would have them come to Hell’s Kitchen today, and Deidra saying she should've stayed in bed. However, Ken said Ramsay always had his reasons, and that they should go into the dining room. As the group entered, they were greeted by a large banner that read “Welcome Hell’s Kitchen chefs!”, and the diners all applauded as they walked through the room. Melody laughed nervously in her confessional and said that it felt so surreal to be treated as a celebrity. The chefs continued until they got to the pass, where Ramsay was waiting for them.
Ramsay said that before the chefs could cook in the red and blue kitchens, they needed to appreciate what it meant to see them run well, and that's why for now, he just wanted them to observe the group of professionals that he had brought in. The chefs watched as the two teams got their food out in a timely fashion, communicating flawlessly with each other and making no mistakes. Once service was complete, Ramsay thanked the cooks, then told them to clear down. He also asked for the diners to stay for a moment, as he had an important announcement…he was inviting them all to return tomorrow night for the proper debut of Hell’s Kitchen, and, echoing his promise in season 7, he guaranteed that the opening dinner service for Hell’s Kitchen’s 20th season would be completed. As the diners applauded and cheered loudly, Everett said in a confessional that this was an insane level of confidence, as opening services were almost always a disaster. Once the diners had left, Ramsay asked the chefs how they enjoyed their tour with the past winners. Lauren said it was amazing, which they all agreed to. Ramsay said that was good, because he wanted them to understand how important it was to match and raise the bar from what had come before. Ramsay then told the chefs to say goodbye to Michael and Ken, both of whom wished them all the best of luck.
After this was done, Ramsay had a few announcements to make. First, the winner of this special 20th anniversary season of Hell’s Kitchen would receive an all-new prize, an executive chef position at the recently-opened Gordon Ramsay Steak in Vancouver, British Columbia, along with a quarter million dollar salary. Next, it was time to get down to the business of teams. Continuing with the change made in the previous season, Ramsay said he was going to randomly divide the chefs into two evenly gendered teams. To that end, Adele, Carole, Grace, Jordan, Nick, Ramona, Samantha, Sandro, Travis and Vaughan were all placed on the blue team, with sous chef and season 11 third place finisher Jon Scallion, while Deidra, Everett, Faye, Hector, Lauren, Melody, Michael, Priya, Shane, and Thomas were all placed on the red team with sous chef and season 10 winner Christina Wilson. Finally…Ramsay asked the chefs why they were just standing there, and told them they had 45 minutes to make their signature dishes, starting from now.
Challenge
The chefs rushed into their respective kitchens and began to frantically search for ingredients. In the blue kitchen, Grace already knew what her dish was going to be and couldn’t wait to impress Ramsay, though she said in a confessional she wished she was on the red team with Christina. Sandro, the oldest chef in the competition, said in a confessional that his ravioli was a big hit at his restaurant and it was his best chance to make a good first impression here. Carole, Travis, Jordan and Samantha were all making seafood-inspired dishes and seemed to be bonding as teammates early on, with Travis saying the red team had no idea what they were in for, to which the others enthusiastically agreed, but Grace snapped at them that they were distracting her. Meanwhile, Vaughan said in a confessional that his dish couldn’t fail, and he was confident Ramsay would love it. Nick expressed similar confidence, and said everyone back home loved his cooking, and this would be no different. .
In the red kitchen, Shane brushed off a comment from Thomas that his lobster was cooking too long. Thomas said in a confessional that he didn’t want to be that guy, but given his credentials, he knew what an overcooked lobster looked like. Michael said the red team appeared to have more experienced chefs based on the brief conversations they had on the bus, and he knew he would have to make an impressive dish to stand out from the other sous chefs and executive chefs. Priya felt good about her dish at first, saying in a confessional that her background in Indian cuisine gave her a unique advantage of the rest of the field, but her confidence turned into panic as she realized that her beef was severely overcooked, but it was too late to do anything about it. As in the blue team, some chefs began to work closely together, as Lauren, Melody, Thomas and Faye gravitate towards each other as the four most experienced chefs on the team. Deidra, another chef with lengthy experience, got a compliment from one of her teammates, as Faye, a fellow southerner, said her dish looked delicious.
Ramsay counted down the final seconds and finally told the chefs to stop what they were doing and bring their dishes to the pass. Now, it was time for the scoring to begin.
For the first round, Ramsay called on Vaughan and Lauren from the blue and red teams respectively and had them introduce themselves. Vaughan's filet mignon over capellini made Ramsay drop his first F bomb of the young season as soon as the dome was lifted. Ramsay didn’t even know where to begin, as the meat was sliced horribly, the capellini looked sloppy, and that was before even tasting it. After taking a bite, Ramsay said it didn’t taste as bad as it looked…it tasted far worse. He gave it a one, and said this was not at all how he wanted to start the 20th anniversary of Hell’s Kitchen. Next, he practically begged Lauren to give him something he could work with. She presented her elk tenderloin with mushroom sauce, and Ramsay said it already won the round just by its gorgeous presentation, but after he tasted it, he said that as bad as Vaughan’s was, Lauren’s was that good, and she earned the first five of the season.
In round two, with the blue team already in a 5-1 hole, Tucson, Arizona native Nick faced off against Manhattan sous chef Michael. Michael’s chicken francese over lemon-butter sauce and herbs got mixed reviews, as the chicken was cooked perfectly, but the sauce was bland and even a little bitter. Ramsay could only give it a three. Nick had a chance to get the blue team back in it, but his red pepper chorizo gnocchi almost burned Ramsay’s mouth off, and he said it was impossible to actually taste anything. He gave it a two, and asked the blue team what the hell they were doing in the kitchen for 45 minutes given these first two dishes. With the red team holding a comfortable 8-3 lead, Carole and Everett battled it out in round three. Carole’s pan-roasted halibut over lentil salad impressed Ramsay, as he praised the cook of the fish, and said it was a strong four, and he said that finally he had a good cook on the blue team. Everett’s veal-stuffed honey glazed chicken was more of a mixed bag, as Ramsay said it was trying to do too much, and the sweetness was overpowering, but he still gave it a three as everything was cooked properly.
With the red team still ahead 11-7, 36 year old executive chef Thomas went up against 33 year old Savannah, Georgia chef Jordan. Ramsay told Thomas he seemed very confident, and Thomas said he always took pride in his work, but was open to criticisms. However, after tasting his pork belly with carrot puree, Ramsay couldn’t find anything to criticize, and said that dish was restaurant-ready and deserved a five. Jordan’s poached lobster with herb butter and vegetables got good marks from Ramsay for the cook of the lobster, but he said he had been hoping for a bit more given the time limit, and because the vegetables were a bit overcooked as well, he only gave it a three. With the red team’s lead now up to 16-10, the next matchup would be between 24 year old Atlantic City line cook Ramona and 28 year old Portland line cook Priya. Ramsay was surprised by the finesse in Ramona’s mint chimichurri over roasted lamb chops, and admitted he may have underestimated her, but he would not make that mistake again, because that dish deserved a five, which was also the first for the blue team. After Ramona’s strong effort, Priya simply hoped the overcooked beef in her masala curry wouldn’t ruin the red team’s chances of victory, but Ramsay spit it out and said it was inedible, giving it a one.
Just like that, the red team’s lead was cut down to just two points at 17-15, and next it was 28 year old LA sous chef Adele against 26 year old Rhode Island line cook Shane. First, he tried Shane’s grilled lobster tail with potatoes and broccoli, but he noted right away that the lobster was overcooked and rubbery, Shane disagreed and said he thought it was good, with the other chefs appearing shocked that he would have the nerve to talk back to Ramsay. Thomas said in a confessional that Shane was just digging himself a deeper hole, and should have listened to him in the first place. Ramsay affirmed that it was definitely overcooked, and that Shane could stand to be a bit more humble, because that dish was a 3 at best. Adele’s poached egg over crab cakes and salad edged it out, with Ramsay saying it was a very solid dish that deserved a 4. With the score now a razor-thin 20-19 for the red team, 27 year old line cook Travis was hoping to give the blue team their first lead with his salmon over orzo and feta, while 27 year old sous-chef Melody tried to keep the red team in front with her Foie gras with balsamic reduction. Ramsay told Travis he had a delicious dish and showed a good grasp of plating and flavor, so he got a 4. Ramsay was very pleased with Melody’s dish when she lifted her dome, as it looked stunning, but when he tasted it, he was appalled to find that the foie gras was raw. He told Melody she might be better off designing fake food than making the real thing, and gave her a 2.
The blue team led for the first time, 23-22, but that lead only lasted as long as the next round, where Grace’s fried chicken and green beans failed to impress, only earning a 2 due to being overly greasy and not presentable. Hector’s pan seared scallops over baby spinach had their own issues, as the scallops were a bit undercooked, but Ramsay still gave it a three as he liked the sauce and garnish, which tied the score at 25. In the ninth round, Manhattan executive chef Sandro’s spinach and ricotta ravioli was praised for its nicely made pasta, but the lack of seasoning brought it down to a three. New Orleans executive chef Deidra’s crawfish etouffee was found to be absolutely soulful and delicious, and Ramsay said that earned a 4. With the red team now back ahead 29-28 in this see-saw battle, it all came down to the final round, with 34 year old Texas native Faye and her ribeye steak with cauliflower puree going up against 29 year old Samantha from Maine with her grilled shrimp in garlic cream sauce. Ramsay started off by welcoming Faye back to Hell’s Kitchen, saying it was good to see her again after the way she went out last season.
Flashback is shown of Faye telling Ramsay she was withdrawing from season 23
Faye said it was great to be back, and she was excited to prove why she deserved another chance. Ramsay noted immediately that Faye had strayed from her comfort zone of southern food this time around, and after tasting her dish…he said that she wasn’t just a cook from Texas anymore, because that dish was elegant and delicious, and deserved a four. With the blue team down by five, Ramsay told Samantha she needed a perfect score to force a tie. Shane was confident in his confessional, saying the red team had this wrapped up. After tasting the dish, Ramsay said the shrimp were beautifully cooked and he loved the sauce. However, he had to decide whether it was deserving of a five. In the end, Ramsay decided…that as good as that dish was, it was only a very strong four. With that, the red team celebrated ecstatically, as they had won the challenge 33-32.
Ramsay congratulated Faye on getting her team the win and proving why he gave her another chance, and told the red team that they had a damn good chef and should try to learn from her. Lauren said in a confessional that it was exciting to have a returning chef as strong as Faye, and that this gave them a huge advantage over the blue team. Shane was more skeptical, saying in his own confessional that he wasn’t going to blindly follow anybody.
Reward / Punishment
Ramsay told the red team that the first reward of the season was one they would be thankful for the further they got into the competition. All of them were going to join him for dinner at a classy LA restaurant, and they weren’t going to dine alone, because joining them would be season 1 winner Michael Wray, season 10 winner Christina Wilson, and season 23 winner Ken Morimoto, who would share valuable advice with them. Everett said in a confessional that this was going to put them leagues ahead of the blue team, and he was more confident now that they could complete the opening service. As the red team were still in their normal clothes, Ramsay told Christina to go get freshened up because their limo was waiting. Melody hugged Faye and said she was the best, and said in her confessional that she was stoked for the reward, as meeting past winners was like a dream come true. Faye said in a confessional that so far, this red team seemed much better than the one she’d been on last year, and she felt the love already.
While the red team were basking in the victory, Ramsay told the blue team that their punishment would quickly make them appreciate how important it was not to lose a challenge in Hell’s Kitchen. He told them to take a look at those filthy red and blue kitchens, because they needed a very nice clean so they would be ready for opening night tomorrow. Once Christina came back downstairs, she joined the red team and they left Hell’s Kitchen, Ramsay followed them, leaving Jon in charge, Jon told the blue team that those kitchens weren’t going to clean themselves, and they finally got to work. Vaughan said this was a humiliating punishment, and he couldn’t stand to be on a losing team, but Ramona said she was the only one to get a five on her dish, so if anyone should be upset, it’s her. Grace called them both out and said Vaughan shouldn’t be talking at all and Ramona needed to check her ego and just get on with the punishment. Ramona was annoyed in her confessional, asking who decided Grace was the leader here. Sandro said in his own confessional that he felt like he was babysitting a bunch of preschoolers and that he was too old for all this.
While the blue team tried to sort out their differences in the punishment, the red team was bonding on their reward, as they all had the opportunity to talk with the former champions over an elegant dinner. Many of the chefs had questions about how to succeed on Hell’s Kitchen. Michael told them they had to be smart and always stay one step ahead. Christina said it was important to push through your low points, because on the other side, you would be stronger for it. Ken said they had to balance being kind and empathetic with leading with authority, and both traits were eternally intertwined. Priya wanted to know if the problematic personalities were as bad as portrayed on TV, and Ken said Faye could tell them all about that, to which Faye laughed and said the rookie chefs had no idea. Lauren asked them how their opening services went, and they all replied that they were disastrous, with Christina in particular noting how disappointed Ramsay was with the failure of season 10’s opening night, as that was a special milestone for the show as well. Thomas said in a confessional that while some of his teammates might be worried, he saw it as an opportunity to raise the bar. Ramsay said he wouldn’t have made that promise if he didn’t think these chefs could live up to it, and told them to relax and not get overwhelmed.
Back in Hell’s Kitchen, the blue team were still cleaning the kitchens, and Nick was annoying his team by being lazy and not doing anything, and he became defensive when Carole said they all needed to do their part around here and they could be done already if he was actually helping out. The red team returned from their reward and exchanged some shots with the red team, with Shane saying he hoped they were ready to spend a lot of time doing punishments, and Vaughan said in a confessional that this was not the time to get him pissed off. Back in the dorms, the red team continued to bond, with the chefs talking about their lives before Hell’s Kitchen and why they were here. Meanwhile, the blue team finally finished their punishment and went upstairs as well. Both teams mingled and chatted for a while before finally turning in on the first night of Hell’s Kitchen.
Pre-Service
The next day, the chefs were woken up early and told to go downstairs, because Ramsay had some important announcements for them. After putting on their jackets for the first time, they went down to the dining room and found Ramsay waiting for them. He said that tonight was the big night, the opening night of the 20th year of Hell's Kitchen, and he was desperate for a complete service, as there would be many important people in attendance, including several former contestants and high profile celebrities. Ramsay reiterated to everyone that he wouldn't have set this goal if he didn’t think they could do it, and then told them to get to work studying the menus with their respective sous-chefs.
In the blue kitchen, the chefs were confident that they knew the menu better than the red team, who had spent the night celebrating, and Jordan tried to get his teammates fired up by saying they were going to dominate service. However, not everyone could stay focused, as Vaughan and Nick were acting nonchalant throughout the study session, and Grace said in a confessional that as a Hell’s Kitchen superfan who was living her dream, she was offended that they weren’t taking it seriously. Meanwhile, the red team had some more catching up to do on the menu, with Deidra admitting this was a long way from her restaurant back home, and Hector saying in a confessional that they definitely partied too much last night. Once the study session was over, and after a short break, it was time for the teams to start prepping the kitchens.
In prep, Shane was getting on the red team’s nerves due to trying to boss everyone around and acting cocky, and Michael said in a confessional that people like Shane were put in their place real quick where he came from, but he was sure Ramsay wouldn’t appreciate that, so he just had to push through it. Faye gave the other chefs tips for the upcoming service and it soon became clear that they were leaning on her heavily as a mentor early on. On the blue side, Sandro was trying to lighten the mood with some jokes, which annoyed some members of the blue team, especially Grace, though Ramona said in a confessional that it was strangely endearing, and she liked him already. Vaughan said in a confessional that he’d worked in tougher kitchens than this in Philly, and service should be a cakewalk.
Ramsay gathered the chefs one last time and told them that this was it, and he wanted all of them to put their best foot forward tonight. And with that, he called out to Marino and told him to open Hell’s kitchen for its 20th anniversary debut.
Dinner Service
Shortly after the group of elite diners entered Hell’s Kitchen, the first orders of the young season began to filter into the kitchens. For the blue team, Grace and Sandro were on appetizers, coordinating with Vaughan and Carole on garnish, and Jordan and Samantha on fish. Apps didn’t get off to the smoothest of starts, however, as Sandro had a risotto that stuck to the pan and another that was bland, while Grace sent up a crunchy capellini, then blamed Sandro for not keeping up with her. Jordan and Samantha had better luck on the fish station, as Jordan only had one order of scallops rejected for being overcooked, however, they had to refire anyways because everyone else was dragging, which made Samantha upset in her confessional, as their perfectly good scallops went in the bin. Vaughan also annoyed Ramsay by talking over him when he was calling out tickets, and Ramsay told him to call out the ticket himself since he thought he was such a big shot, Ramsay asked who was going to step up and lead, because right now it was just chaos, and finally, Carole starting being more vocal on garnish and getting everyone on the same page as far as times. With a renewed focus, appetizers began to leave the blue kitchen for the first time.
The red team was looking to Melody and Thomas to get them off to a good start on appetizers, while Everett and Faye were on garnish and Hector and Deidra were on fish. The red team’s apps got off to an uneven start, as Thomas served perfect risottos, while Melody had her first attempt at her first capellini rejected for being undercooked, but she was able to recover. Hector served undercooked and overcooked scallops multiple times and lost track of orders, and Ramsay told Michael to get over there and lend a hand because Deidra was virtually running the station alone. With Michael’s help, Hector’s scallops were finally accepted, and with Faye’s leadership from garnish, the red team was getting food out to their diners at a solid pace. However, more problems emerged due to Melody serving a mushy capellini, and Ramsay decided to call Lauren over to help her out. Melody was embarrassed in her confessional, as she said she had made capellini thousands of times and needed to shake the nerves before it was too late. Lauren was able to get Melody’s capellini to the pass, to Ramsay’s praise, and with the fish station now delivering perfect scallops, appetizers kept on rolling for the red team.
The blue team was fighting through appetizers and despite Jordan and Samantha each sending up undercooked scallops, they fought through it, while Sandro recovered from his earlier mistakes and started getting his risottos out into the dining room along with Grace’s capellini. However, Grace made too many capellini dishes and blamed Sandro for giving her the wrong information on what was on order. She said in a confessional that he clearly didn’t belong here and he was going to be the first to go if they lost tonight. Despite these issues, the blue team finally managed to move on to entrees, though they were still lagging behind the red team. Nick and Ramona were on meat, and they got off to a rough start as well thanks to Nick repeatedly sending up raw and overcooked New York Strip and lamb chops. Ramsay called it a nightmare and couldn’t believe that a professional cook couldn’t get his meat temperatures right. Ramona was excited to show Ramsay why she got the only five star dish on the blue team, but her first round of Wellingtons was rejected for being cooked rare, and then Ramsay got upset with her for saying it would be 15 minutes before she was ready, and she said in a confessional that this was not going to be as easy as she thought. While Ramona and Nick tried to fight back, Vaughan kept backing up the kitchen as he couldn’t memorize the orders on the ticket, and said them back wrong even when Ramsay was reading them to him. Nick was still serving poorly cooked meat, and Ramsay finally had enough and told Travis to get over there and help out, but warned Nick that if he messed up again, he was done. Ramona was still dragging on Wellingtons, which got on Ramsay’s nerves, but when she finally served them, they were perfectly cooked, and he told her to not give up on herself. Travis was able to get the meat station organized and got out Nick’s New York Strip for him, however Nick wanted to take back over. Travis said he was here to help because it was clearly needed. Nick complained to Ramsay himself, and that was the final straw, as Ramsay told him he had been useless all night and to fuck off back to the dorms.
The red team was moving on to entrees while the blue team was still wrapping up appetizers, and they were depending on Shane and Lauren to get out the meat entrees. Lauren had no problems getting all her New York Strip and filet mignon accepted, with Ramsay saying this was one of the best opening night performances he has ever seen, and urged her not to stop. Shane had an early issue with overcooked Wellingtons, but his next round was perfect, and he said in a confessional that he was here to win, and everyone else better watch out. With a good performance from meat, and the only issues on garnish being Everett not making enough sauce for the table’s orders, it was the fish station that caused some issues as Deidra served undercooked salmon twice, and and Hector made a halibut that was not on the ticket, but both were able to push through, and the red team eventually completed their entrees and moved on to desserts.
While the red team were well into their entrees, the blue team was only just starting to catch up thanks to Travis taking over for Nick on meat and Ramona now serving well-cooked Wellingtons after her earlier stumbles. With meat entrees now getting out to the dining room, the main issue became Vaughan talking back to Ramsay when he was told his lamb sauce was bland and holding up the entire kitchen. Ramsay called him a smartass and said he was on very thin ice, and to worry more about his cooking than trying to start an argument. Carole tried to get Vaughan to refocus, and eventually he managed to serve acceptable sauce, and entrees resumed their flow into the dining room, but Jordan and Samantha both continued to drag on fish. Ramsay told Adele to help them get that station together, and eventually, they did manage to get back on track, and the blue kitchen finished their entrees several minutes after the red team.
Both teams wrapped up desserts and Ramsay told them each well done and to clear down as they finished.
Post-Mortem
Ramsay had the teams line up and told them that, before anything else, he was proud of them all for fulfilling his promise, as they had done something that was rarely ever done on Hell’s Kitchen. With that said, however, there was one team that clearly looked more prepared and alert, and that was…the red team, who were declared the winners of opening night. Ramsay told the red team they did well and should be proud of themselves. Then he turned to the blue team and said there were problems at every station, and there should be no shortage of candidates for the two people they would nominate for elimination. With that, he sent both teams back to the dorms.
In the dorms, the blue team began deliberating their nominees, with Grace quickly taking control of the conversation and saying that Sandro had to be the first nominee due to the fact that as an executive chef and the most experienced one here, he had been lax during prep and was constantly making life difficult for her on appetizers. Sandro said she was just looking for someone to blame and not taking accountability, but some of the others agreed that Sandro should have done much better given his credentials. Grace said that Ramona would be her second nominee, as she underperformed after getting a 5 on her signature dish and wasn’t good enough on meat. Ramona was pissed and said that she owned up to her mistakes, and if anyone should go up, it should be Nick, since he was actually kicked out, but Nick said he was kicked out for standing up for himself. The team seemed divided on who to nominate, as Vaughan also got flak for arguing with Ramsay, and Jordan and Samantha for their struggles on fish. Ramona said in a confessional that Grace was a snake and manipulating the entire team to turn against her and Sandro.
Elimination ceremony
The blue team entered the dining room and stood before Ramsay, who said that despite finishing service, this didn’t feel like a proper team, and he couldn’t put his finger on the reason, but they had better get it sorted out soon. He then asked Samantha for the blue team’s first nominee and why. Samantha answered that the team had decided on…Sandro, based on his lackluster performance compared to his credentials. Ramsay openly expressed his surprise at this choice, and asked for the second nominee. Samantha announced that…
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Ramona was the second nominee, because after getting a 5 on her signature dish, she seemed to have gotten overconfident, and that showed in service. Ramsay was stunned again, and took the blue team to task, as he had given them the responsibility of nominating the two weakest chefs, and based on tonight’s service, neither of them had just been announced. He told both Sandro and Ramona to stay where they were, because he was going to call up the two chefs that actually cost the blue team the win…Nick and Vaughan. He then demanded to know why they should stay in Hell’s Kitchen.
Vaughan: “I’ve had a rough start here, chef-”
Ramsay cut him off to remind him that his signature dish was awful, then, he had the balls to talk back to him when he was crumbling on garnish.
Vaughan: “I fucked up a lot, chef, I know that, and I shoulda just kept my head down and kept doin’ my shit…I apologize, chef.”
Ramsay said he was sorry too, that Vaughan’s performance was so embarrassing. Then he moved on to Nick, and asked him to explain the meat massacre.
Nick: “Truthfully, chef, I think having Ramona as a partner dragged me down tonight. She wasn’t communicating with me-”
Ramona cut him off to say that was bullshit, and Ramsay told her to stay out of this, and asked Nick if he could take any accountability for his mistakes.
Nick: “Of course I can take accountability. I fucked up some of my meat, I own that. I just think Ramona should be up here owning the fact that she helped sink our station just as much as I did.”
Ramsay appeared visibly frustrated and said that in all honesty, neither of these two should go further, but there was one chef in particular who he was simply fed up with, and could not stand to keep around another day.
Ramsay: “My decision is…”
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Ramsay: “Nick, take your jacket off, right now, and get out of Hell’s Kitchen.”
Elimination music
Ramsay: “Young man, I’m not prepared to hand over Gordon Ramsay Steak to a chef who can’t cook meat, who can’t stand up and be accountable, and who blames everyone else but himself for his mistakes. Goodbye, good night, and good luck.”
Nick’s comment
I think Ramsay’s decision was absolute bullshit, if you want my honest opinion. We came together as a team and chose Sandro and Ramona, those are the two who shoulda been on that chopping block. I have the passion to be a great cook, and if Ramsay takes that as me not being accountable, then that’s his loss.”
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After Nick’s elimination, Ramsay told Vaughan to clean up his act quickly, then reminded the chefs that he was still proud of them for completing dinner service, but that he was going to expect even more in the next one. Then he told them good night and sent them back to the dorms. As the chefs exited the dining room, Grace said in a confessional that Sandro or Ramona definitely should have been eliminated, and the blue team would keep losing as long as they were here. Ramona said in her confessional that she wasn’t going to let Grace walk over her, and she hoped the team would soon realize that they were being played. Lauren said in her confessional that it felt great to get the first win of the season, and that the red team seemed far more cohesive than the blue team thus far. Faye said in her confessional that it was great to be back, and she couldn’t wait to help the red team rack up more wins, Thomas said in his confessional that Shane was the biggest problem on the red team, but as long as they kept him in check, they were unstoppable.
Placement
https://preview.redd.it/dogq0yhhxwpc1.png?width=2541&format=png&auto=webp&s=a1a6b7d280de8e99c1acde5bb6adb479ead94562

UNFINISHED list of Birmingham restaurants! Help me complete it! This is what I have so far after combing through a few threads, but I know the list is not complete, and there are probably typos. My brain is fried. Post omissions, typos, anything wrong with this list in the comments! Ultimately I would like to break the list up by cuisine type, but that will take a while and I wanted to get the raw list up for your review first. It's currently in alphabetical order so you can quickly search for your suggestions. When the list is complete and to everyone's satisfaction I will re-post and sticky. Thanks for this all-hands-on-deck effort!

Full List:

• Abhi Eatery and Bar - Asian Fusion - Mountain Brook
  
• Acapulco Grill - Mexican/Tex-Mex - Homewood
  
• Ahki's - Middle Eastern/NYC street food - Downtown
  
• Al's Deli & Grill - Mediterranean/American, lunch, dinner, & late night - Southside
  
• Alabama Biscuit Company - breakfast - Cahaba Heights
  
• American Ranch House - soul food - Tarrant
  
• Amore - Italian casual fine dining - Greystone
  
• Ampersandwich - sandwiches - Avondale
  
• Archie's Bar-B-Q & Burgers - BBQ & burgers - Hoover
  
• Automatic Seafood and Oysters - casual fine dining seafood - Avondale
  
• Avondale Common House - gastropub - Avondale
  
• Bamboo on 2nd - Asian fusion - Downtown
  
• Bar La Fete - French - Downtown
  
• Bawarchi - Indian - Hoover
  
• Bay Leaf - modern Indian - 5 Points South
  
• Bettola - Italian casual fine dining - Pepper Place
  
• Big Spoon Creamery - ice cream - Avondale & Homewood
  
• Birmingham Wings & Waffles - chicken wings - Downtown
  
• Bistro 218 - French - Downtown
  
• Bistro V - French - Vestavia Hills
  
• Black Market Bar & Grill - pub food - Five Points South & The Colonnade
  
• Blue Pacific - casual Thai - in Hoover Food Mart (gas station), Hoover
  
• Blueprint on 3rd - American fine dining - Pepper Place
  
• Bob Sykes Bar-B-Q - BBQ - Bessemer
  
• Bocca Ristorante - northern Italian - Downtown
  
• Bongiorno - homestyle Italian - Mountain Brook
  
• Bottega Restaurant & Cafe - Italian casual fine dining - Highland Park
  
• Brick & Tin - lunch/sandwiches - Downtown & Mountain Brook
  
• Cafe Dupont - Southern bistro - Downtown
  
• Cantina - casual Mexican-inspired - Homewood
  
• Capella Pizzeria - Neapolitan pizza - Trussville & Inverness
  
• Carlile’s BBQ - BBQ - Lakeview
  
• Carrigan's Public House - gastropub - Downtown - 21+
  
• Cayo Coco - upscale Cuban - Downtown
  
• Cedar House Cafeteria - meat & three - Tarrant
  
• CharBar No. 7 - burgers & steak - Mountain Brook
  
• Chez Fonfon - French casual fine dining - Five Points South
  
• Chez Lulu - French casual cafe - Mountain Brook
  
• China Way - Chinese - Eastwood
  
• Chubbfathers - burgers - Alabaster
  
• Costa's Famous Bar-B-Que - BBQ & steak - Wildwood
  
• Creekside BBQ - BBQ - Pelham
  
• Creole Connection - Creole & Cajun - College Hills
  
• Crestwood Tavern - pub grub - Crestwood
  
• Daddy Hot Bird - Nashville Hot Chicken food truck @ TrimTab Brewing - Avondale
  
• Daniel George - American fine dining - Mountain Brook
  
• Davenport's Pizza Palace - thin crust pizza - Mountain Brook & Vestavia Hills
  
• Demitri's BBQ - BBQ - Homewood
  
• Diplomat Deli - soups & sandwiches - Vestavia Hills
  
• Dos Hermanos - Mexican taco truck - Downtown, Homewood, & Bessemer
  
• Dreamland BBQ - BBQ - Southside
  
• Drift Kitchen - food truck @ Continental Drift - Downtown
  
• Dyron's Low Country - seafood - Mountain Brook
  
• Eagle’s Restaurant - soul food - North Birmingham
  
• EastWest - Asian Fusion - Downtown
  
• El Barrio - Mexican-inspired - Downtown
  
• El Gran Cafe Castillo - Mexican - Hoover
  
• Eli's Jerusalem Grill - Israeli - Hwy 280
  
• El Zunzun - elevated Latin American - Cahaba Heights
  
• Eugene's Hot Chicken - Nashville hot chicken - Uptown, Hoover, & * food truck
  
• Falafel Cafe - casual Middle Eastern - Downtown
  
• Farm Bowl + Juice Co. - fruit bowls & smoothies - Homewood
  
• Fat Charles BBQ - BBQ food truck - location
  
• Fife's - southern/soul food - Downtown
  
• FoodBar - farm-to-table American casual fine dining - Vestavia Hills
  
• Fuku Ramen 280 - ramen - Greystone
  
• Full Moon BBQ - BBQ - multiple locations
  
• Galley & Garden - American fine dining - Southside
  
• GianMarco’s - Italian fine dining - Homewood
  
• Giuseppe's Cafe - casual Italian - Southside
  
• Golden Rule BBQ - BBQ - Irondale
  
• Golden Temple Cafe - vegetarian/vegan - Five Points South
  
• Gordos - Authentic Mexican bakery, cafe, and market - Homewood
  
• Great Wall Chinese Restaurant - Chinese - Homewood
  
• Green Acres - southern/soul food - Downtown
  
• GreenHouse - salads/sandwiches - Homewood
  
• Gus’s Hot Dogs - hot dogs - Downtown
  
• Hamburger Heaven - hamburgers - multiple locations
  
• Hattie B's - Nashville hot chicken - Lakeview
  
• Helen - fine dining steakhouse, Downtown
  
• Hero Doughnuts - Breakfast & Lunch - Birmingham Parkside, Homewood, & Trussville
  
• Homewood Gourmet - salads, soups, sandwiches - Homewood
  
• Hot & Hot Fish Club - Southern/French fine dining - Pepper Place
  
• Hot Box - Asian fusion food truck - located at Good People Brewing in Birmingham Parkside
  
• Ikko - ramen & sushi - Five Points South
  
• Iron City Pizza - stone fired pizza - Five Points South
  
• Irondale Cafe (Whistlestop Cafe) - meat & three - Irondale
  
• J & J Grocery & Deli - burgers - Bessemer
  
• Jack Brown's - burgers - Lakeview
  
• Jake's Soulfood Cafe - soul food/Jamaican/Caribbean - Hoover
  
• Jasmine's Cafe - soul food - Pratt City
  
• Jim 'N Nick's - BBQ - multiple locations
  
• Jinsei - sushi - Homewood
  
• Johnny’s Restaurant - Southern meat & three - Homewood
  
• Juniper - cocktail/gin bar with elevated food menu - inside Birmingham Museum of Art (lunch only) & Forest Park (dinner only)
  
• K & K's Elegant Pastries - bakery - Birmingham
  
• Kabob-Licious - Pakistani - Hoover
  
• Kool Korner - sandwiches & Cuban - Vestavia Hills
  
• La Calle Tacos & Snacks - authentic Mexican - Trussville
  
• La Libertad - Salvadorean - Pelham
  
• Last Call Baking - micro patisserie - Downtown
  
• Le Fresca - northern Italian - Downtown
  
• Little Donkey - Southern influenced Mexican - Homewood
  
• Los Amigos Mexican Restaurant - Tex-Mex - Lakeview
  
• Luca Lagotto - upscale Italian - Homewood
  
• Luna Latin Cuisine - Latin American - Avondale
  
• Makarios Kabob & Grill - Middle Eastern - Five Points South
  
• Margarita Grill - Tex-Mex - Pelham
  
• Martin's Bar-B-Que - BBQ - Vestavia Hills
  
• Marty’s GM - bar food - Irondale
  
• Marty's PM - late-night bar food - Southside
  
• Marty’s TV - bar food - Trussville
  
• Masaman Thai Kitchen - Thai - Vestavia Hills
  
• Maya Mexican Restaurant - Mexican/Tex-Mex - Homewood & Alabaster
  
• Melt - grilled cheese & melts - Mountain Brook & Hoover
  
• Mexico Lindo Bar & Grill - Mexican/Tex-Mex - Mountain Brook
  
• Mezon - Mexican food truck outside Mayawell bar in Lakeview
  
• Michael's Restaurant - fine dining steakhouse - Birmingham parkside
  
• Mi Pueblo - authentic Mexican buffet - inside Mi Pueblo Supermarket, Homewood & Pelham
  
• Miss Myra's Pit Bar-B-Q - BBQ - Cahaba Heights
  
• Mr. Chen's - Chinese - inside Hometown Supermarket in Homewood, & standalone in Hoover
  
• Mr. P’s Deli - sandwiches/lunch - Bluff Park
  
• Mr. Shawarma - Middle Eastern - Five Points South
  
• Mr. West's - Asian fusion - Lakeview & Trussville
  
• Munchie's on 5th Bar & Grill - American - Avondale
  
• Naji's Pita Gourmet - Middle Eastern - Homewood
  
• New China Town - Chinese - takeout only - Five Points South
  
• New York Butcher Shoppe - deli sandwiches - Cahaba Heights
  
• Niki's West - Southern meat & three - Finley Ave
  
• Nola Ice-Broad Street Peaux Boys - Cajun - inside Pizitz Food Hall, Downtown
  
• Nori Thai and Sushi - Thai/sushi - Cahaba Heights
  
• Ocean - upscale seafood - Five Points South
  
• Okinawa Sushi & Hibachi Steakhouse - Japanese steakhouse & sushi - Wildwood
  
• Olive Branch - Mediterranean - Cahaba Heights
  
• Ono Poke - poke bowls - The Summit, Homewood, & in the Pizitz Food Hall Downtown
  
• OvenBird - Southern-tapas fusion casual fine dining - Pepper Place
  
• Pappas' Grill - Greek - Vestavia Hills
  
• Paramount - barcade - Downtown
  
• Pazzo Big Slice Pizza - Sicilian and thin crust pizza - Hoover
  
• Pies & Pints - pizza & craft beer - Downtown
  
• Pizza Grace - upscale pizzeria - Downtown
  
• Pollo Lucas - grilled chicken - Hoover
  
• Pop's Neighborhood Grill - American breakfast & lunch - Five Points South
  
• Post Office Pies - wood fired pizza - Mountain Brook
  
• Pupuseria Lupita - Salvadoran food truck - Pelham
  
• Ranelli’s - deli, lunch only - Five Points South
  
• Real & Rosemary - fast-casual farm-to-table - The Summit, Homewood, & Crestline
  
• Red Pearl - Chinese - In Super Oriental Market, Homewood
  
• Red Sea - Ethiopian, Mediterranean & Cajun - Homewood
  
• Rib-It-Up - BBQ - Downtown
  
• Rodney Scott's Whole Hog BBQ - BBQ - Homewood & Trussville
  
• Rojo - American/Mexican fusion - Highland Park
  
• Roots & Revelry - American fine dining - Downtown
  
• Ruscelli's - Italian fusion - in Mojo Pub, Lakeview
  
• Rusty's Bar-B-Q - BBQ - Leeds
  
• Saigon Noodle House - Vietnamese - Hwy 280
  
• Salem’s Diner - American breakfast/lunch - Homewood
  
• Salvatore's - pizza/pasta - Hoover
  
• Sammy's Sandwich Shop - sandwiches - Woodlawn
  
• Sam's Deli & Grill - Middle Eastern - Homewood
  
• Sam's Super Samwiches - American breakfast & lunch - Homewood
  
• Samurai Japan - Japanese/sushi - Vestavia Hills
  
• SanPeggio's Pizza - New York style pizza - multiple locations
  
• Sarris Cafe - meat & three - Pelham
  
• Satterfield’s - Southern fine dining - Cahaba Heights
  
• Saw's barbeque - Avondale, Homewood, Crestline, Hoover, Leeds,& Southside
  
• Seoul Restaurant - Korean - Homewood
  
• Shangri-La - Chinese - Eastwood
  
• Shu Shop - Ramen - Downtown - 21+
  
• Silver Coin - Indian - Hoover
  
• Sitar Indian Restaurant - Indian - Southside
  
• Slice - stone oven pizza - Lakeview, Crestline & Vestavia Hills
  
• SLIDE Cafe - sliders - Five Points South
  
• Slim's Pizzeria - upscale pizzeria - Mountain Brook
  
• Slutty Vegan - vegan burgers - Woodlawn
  
• Snapper Grabbers - sandwiches - Vestavia Hills
  
• Soho Social - new American - Homewood
  
• Southern Kitchen & Bar - upscale Southern - Uptown Birmingham
  
• Spice of Life Jamica Restaurant - Jamaican - Downtown
  
• Station 31 Kitchen - American - Chelsea
  
• Stone Age Korean BBQ - Korean BBQ & hot pot - Hoover
  
• Surin West - Thai & sushi - Five Points South
  
• Sushi Village - sushi - Crestwood
  
• Taboon Noon o Kabab - Persian - Hoover
  
• Taco Casa - Tex-Mex - Wildwood
  
• Taco Mama - Tex-Mex - multiple locations
  
• Taqueria Juarez - taco truck - Hoover
  
• Tasty Town - upscale casual Greek - Birmingham Parkside
  
• T-Bone's - Philly cheesesteaks & hoagies - Five Points South
  
• Taco Morro Loco - tacos - Avondale
  
• Tacos Don Tacho #2 - Mexican - Homewood
  
• Taj India - Indian - Lakeview
  
• Ted’s Restaurant - Southern/Greek meat & three - Southside
  
• The Barbeque Stop - BBQ - Clay
  
• Thai Basil - Thai/sushi - Trussville
  
• The Battery - upscale tavern - Homewood
  
• The Bright Star - historic Southern/Greek - Bessemer
  
• The Depot Deli & Grill - American - Helena
  
• The Electric - sandwiches & more - Bluff Park
  
• The Essential - Italian casual fine dining & brunch - Downtown
  
• The Fig - Southern fine dining - Cahaba Heights
  
• The Filling Station - casual pizza/pasta - Crestwood
  
• The Fish Market - Southern/Greek seafood - Southside
  
• The Garage - soups & sandwiches - Southside
  
• The Mayor - Asian Fusion - Lakeview
  
• The Paw Paw Patch - meat & three - Homewood
  
• The Pita Cafe - Mediterranean/Greek/Lebanese - Hoover
  
• The Pita Stop Express - Mediterranean - Cahaba Heights
  
• The Pit BBQ - BBQ - Downtown
  
• The Purple Onion - casual Mediterranean/American - multiple locations
  
• The Refinery - upscale American - Lakeview
  
• The Rougaroux - Cajun - Forest Park & Mountain Brook
  
• The Six Sixteen - upscale American - inside Tutweiler Hotel, Downtown
  
• The Standard - hamburgers & hot dogs - inside Pizitz Food Hall, Downtown
  
• The Yard - American fine dining - inside the Elyton Hotel, Downtown
  
• Top That Grille II - American - Birmingham
  
• Tortuga's - Chicago style & thin crust pizza - Southside & Hoover
  
• Trattoria Zaza - casual Italian, brunch/lunch/dinner - Downtown
  
• Umami - Asian fusion - Lakeview & Trussville
  
• Uncle G's Pizza - Detroit style pizza - in Ghost Train Brewing, Avondale, and coming soon to Hoover
  
• University Tacos - tacos - Southside
  
• Unos Tacos - authentic Mexican - inside Pizitz Food Hall, Downtown
  
• Uptown Cantina - upscale Mexican - Uptown Birmingham
  
• Vino - Italian & Mediterranean - Mountain Brook
  
• Waldo's Chicken & Beer - American - Cahaba Heights
  
• Wasabi Juan's - sushi burritos - Downtown
  
• Yo' Mama's - southern/soul food - Downtown
  
• Yum Yai - Thai - Greystone
  
• Zatie's Southern Cuisine - soul food - Center Point
  

1. Community - Early 21st Century Romanticism (2.15)

Logline: Jeff gets in a fight with the study group and doesn’t attend the Greendale Community College Valentine’s Day Dance. Troy and Abed compete for the affections of the librarian.
Review: What a sweet closing voiceover! Jeff gets in a fight with the study group about the merits of BNL (Barenaked Ladies, preeminent Canadian rock band). When a simple invitation to watch a soccer game explodes into a rager at Jeff’s apartment, he realizes he misses the study group. He sends a group text about how scary it is to care about one person, let alone six, but if he can’t say it on Valentine’s, when can he: he loves them. Meanwhile, Troy and Abed both have the hots for the librarian, and decide to do it all above board: let her know they’re both interested and she should come to the dance and choose between them. She ultimately chooses Troy, who ironically can’t be with a person who doesn’t see how awesome Abed is. Britta is having a very Britta Valentine’s - she has a cool new lesbian friend, who is only friends with her because she thinks Britta is a lesbian. They only realize the other is straight after an impromptu dance floor make out to prove how comfortable they are with the others’ sexuality. If only we got the Dean in a Cupid’s outfit, bestill my heart!

1. Home Economics - Pregnancy Test, $12.98 (2.13)

Logline: Connor’s ex-wife and child crash his at-home Valentine’s date. Marina is worried she might be pregnant.
Review: Connor snags a reservation at an obscenely decadent restaurant, Silo, but his girlfriend, Jojo, has a different idea: she wants to treat him for a change, so why not a night at home with pizza and a movie? Connor ups the rezy to four, so Tom and Marina can double date with Sarah and Denise. Sarah can’t stop pointing out how over the top bougie everything is. Marina is nauseated by the smell of the seafood tower, which makes her think she’s pregnant, since the last time she had this reaction to seafood was due to pregnancy. Denise offers to slip out and get her a pregnancy test. Sarah is worried that her negativity is pushing Denise away, so she’s relieved when the pregnancy is revealed. Tom and Marina both freak out, but ultimately she isn’t pregnant. However - Denise wants to have a baby! Meanwhile, Connor’s date night with Jojo is interrupted when his ex-wife, Emily, swings by with their daughter, Gretchen, who doesn’t yet know Connor is dating Jojo. Luckily, Gretchen is cool with it. In fact, she already suspected it - they were spending a noticeable amount of time alone in the pantry. Jojo reads the subtext Connor is missing - Emily is lonely, and doesn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day. Jojo uses her social media savvy to help Emily up her online profile game, to the point where the women are bonding and Connor’s presence really isn’t needed. It’s just a delightful left turn in what could have been a lazy catfight. While I wish we had something special - a longstanding Valentine’s tradition, or even some gifts or more set dec - this is such a charming show.

1. Modern Family - My Funky Valentine (1.15)

Logline: Claire and Phil try spicing things up for Valentine’s Day. To celebrate the holiday, Jay takes Gloria to see a comic he loves. Another boy takes credit for Manny’s love poem.
Review: This is exactly what you’d want a Valentine’s Day sitcom episode to be - a little spicy, a little sweet. Gloria wants to salsa dance, but Jay is excited to take her to see a comic whose observational humor is spot on, until the comic starts observing the age gap between Jay and Gloria. Claire and Phil’s roleplaying was perfection - not too smooth, and very believable. I loved the moment when Clive slipped back into Phil when the waitress told him not to smoke. The set piece of familiar face after familiar face running into Claire when she’s trapped in just a trench in the escalator is incredible, and running into Jay and Gloria is the best and worst thing ever: embarrassing for her father to catch her in flagrante, but Gloria saves her by artfully shimmying Claire out of her coat and into Gloria’s trench. Mitchell and Cam’s plotline is lacking in the romance department, as they’re there to defend Manny and his pursuit of love.

1. black-ish - Big Night, Big Fight (1.13)

Logline: Dre and Bow start Valentine’s Dinner off on the wrong foot, and it only escalates from there. Meanwhile, the kids try to teach Diane how to be kinder.
Review: Stylizing a Valentine’s Day fight as an escalating world war is fantastic. Stage One: The Inciting Incident (Dre asks if Bow is changing before they head out to dinner.) Stage Three: Evasive Maneuvers (Dre pays the maitre d to get them a last minute table while Bow is in the bathroom.) Stage Five: The War Council (Dre gets advice from other men fighting with their wives in the bathroom.) Stage Seven: Mutually Assured Destruction (Reviving old, ugly argument.) Stage Eight: Naked Peace Talks. Dre and Bow come together over the bickering of smaller, annoying countries (AKA their children), and agree that it’s healthier to air their grievances. There is so much incredible specificity - from Bow being mad at him for buying gas station flowers to Dre pronouncing the holiday as “Valentime’s” - that makes the whole episode sing.

1. Fresh Off the Boat - Cupid’s Crossbow (5.14)

Logline: Eddie gets a note from a secret admirer. Evan comes to his father for advice on asking a girl out, which triggers his mother’s competitive side.
Review: Love is in the air… Emery has three dates, one for each meal of the day, Evan wants to ask out his lab partner, and Louis suggests bringing a third into their marriage (an accountant to do their taxes.) Evan, who always goes to Jessica for help, goes to Louis instead for help brainstorming a romantic way to ask out his lab partner. Jessica refuses to admit she isn’t the best at anything, not even romance, so she goes to increasingly desperate lengths, culminating in pretending to hold up the restaurant where Evan is on his date to trigger the chemicals that cause fear and love. Meanwhile, Eddie gets an anonymous note from a secret admirer, so he goes on a quest with Honey to revisit every house he has delivered to and see if he can’t figure it out. This was a fun and original take on a Valentine’s Day episode.

1. Parks & Recreation - Operation Ann (4.14)

Logline: Leslie uses a Valentine’s Day Dance to try and matchmake Ann. Meanwhile, Ben is doing his best to solve Leslie’s lengthy Valentine’s Day Scavenger Hunt.
Review: Galentine’s Day is back! Ladies celebrating ladies breakfast-style. Ann is single this Valentine’s Day, so Leslie recruits everyone in the office to bring eligible bachelors to the dance for Ann. There’s dud after dud, and eventually April suggests Ann try going out with the only guy who’s made her smile all night: Tom. Leslie thinks Ann is sneaking off for a date with Chris, her boss, against office policy, and is floored when she realizes it’s Tom. In classic Leslie fashion, she has created an intricate scavenger hunt for Ben, which will lead him to a mystery location. The very first hint is a crytek unlocked by a five-letter word that captures the essence of their third date. Ben is already in over his head, so Ron and Andy help him. They split up to try and find the last hint, because going one-by-one will take too long. Leslie’s gifting has always been next-level, and Ron truly knows her. He says to Ben that Leslie loves love, but she also loves being right, so is there a location that symbolizes something she has changed his mind about? Ron is right: Leslie is there waiting for Ben at Lil Sebastian’s memorial.

1. New Girl - Operation: Bobcat (6.16)

Logline: Jess helps Winston put together a last-minute proposal. Cece takes charge in planning her Bone-aversary with Schmitt. Nick eagerly awaits his Valentine’s Day gift from his long-distance girlfriend.
Review: Winston has a dream: propose to his girlfriend and police partner, Ally, in a rest stop bathroom dressed as a bobcat as an homage to one of their first assignments together as partners. Jess helps him bring his dream to life, with mood lighting and a cop choir singing “Allison” to back up Jess reading Winston’s written proposal, as Ally kicked him so hard he can’t read it. It’s so fun yet so sweet - it made me tear up! Schmitt usually plans an elaborate sexcapade for the anniversary of their first coitus, but he’s been so stressed with work that Cece decides to surprise him. She plans a rooftop encounter at his work, but their clothes blow away. Nick brings them truly terrible clothing to change into - a pre-weight loss fit for Schmitt, and her wedding dress for Cece. Nick, meanwhile, has stepped up his Valentine’s game and has hourly surprises for Reagan, only to end up disappointed when all she gets him is a chain. New Girl is firing on all cylinders when it comes to romance.

1. The Big Bang Theory - The Tangible Affection Proof (6.16)

Logline: Leonard and Penny’s Valentine’s dinner is derailed when Penny spots an ex. Howard and Bernadette are bickering. Sheldon sends his assistant to pick out a Valentine’s Day present for Amy.
Review: This episode is a romance ninja (copyright: Leonard.) This show has always been critically overlooked - this episode is an indelible example of how well the writers understand each character. Leonard is psyched about Valentine’s Day, but Penny isn’t mustering up any enthusiasm. They go out for a lovely dinner, but Penny spots an ex that cheated on her, there with her former friend he cheated on her with. AND he proposes. Leonard is more and more hurt that she can’t shake it off. Back at her apartment, she confesses to Leonard that because their relationship is going so well, she’s starting to get freaked out because he keeps proposing. Leonard promises that he will stop proposing and puts the onus on her to ask for his hand if she wants to get married. It’s such a lovely way of making something that seems anti-romantic, truly romantic. Bernadette and Howard are fighting because Howard isn’t contributing to the chores around their place. Out of spite, she hid Howard’s X-Box because he hadn’t done the laundry like he’d promised. They’re at dinner to witness Leonard and Penny’s fight, and realize their squabble is petty. Howard apologizes and realizes Bernadette hid his console in the one place she knew he wouldn’t look - the washer! Sheldon farms out the task of picking out a Valentine’s present to his assistant, who succeeds in finding something so wonderful that Sheldon decides to keep it for himself. Amy shows up with the perfect Valentine’s gift for Sheldon: no Valentine’s celebration. Let’s order a pizza and watch a movie with “Star Something” in the title. Sheldon then gives Amy her gift and the episode its title: tangible proof of his affection for her, by making her his emergency contact. Poor Raj is single as usual, and he and Stu throw a party at the comic book store. Raj gives an impassioned speech about how it’s not shameful to be single, when a girl gives him one compliment and they immediately leave to get coffee together, completely undercutting Raj’s speech. May you all be struck by the romance ninja this Valentine’s!

1. Happy Endings - The St. Valentine’s Day Maxssacre (2.13)

Logline: Max is offering a Valentine's Day package for his limo service, and he picks up the man who dumped him last Valentine’s Day. Brad’s pre-Valentine’s Date dental appointment goes awry. Alex is an expert on all things St. Valentine. Penny wants to break up with the guy she’s been seeing, but it’s too close to Valentine’s Day, and she convinces Dave the girl he’s seeing is doing the same thing.
Review: Penny’s concept of “the break up window” perfectly encapsulates the awkward window around the holidays when you simply shouldn’t break up with someone as a courtesy. She is doing this herself to a guy whose annoying wink she can’t take anymore - delaying plans with him up it’s a respectful enough time after Valentine’s Day. When Dave’s crazy sex girl starts blowing him off, Penny convinces Dave the girl is just respecting the break up window. Dave sabotages the romantic dinner he had planned, only for the girl to reveal she would have had a threesome with him, if he had put in any more effort than canned beans for dinner. Brad and Jane are a sitcom couple trope I adore: married but still madly horny for each other (think Morticia and Gomez.) Brad pulled out all the stops: fondue, a horse-drawn carriage, dinner at an exclusive restaurant, even a predate dental appointment. Demanding the goofy juice when he finds out he has a cavity, Brad does not deliver on the aforementioned plans. (The sequence at the dentist’s office was incredible - the episode was directed by Joe Russo of Endgame fame.) Luckily, Alex is on a quest to help someone find love, and she helps Max win a second chance with the guy who broke up with him last Valentine’s Day for not putting in enough effort. Max shows up in a beautiful set piece outside an apartment, resplendent with candles, and Brad and Jane show up to lend them the horse-drawn carriage and the dinner rezy. As Alex says, it’s the happy ending Saint Valentine himself did not get. From new romance to old love to crazy sex, this episode covers everything Valentine’s celebrates.

1. 30 Rock - Saint Valentine’s Day (3.11)

Logline: Liz accidentally schedules a first date on Valentine’s Day, which she tries to keep casual to no avail. Jack has scored a reservation at the hottest restaurant in town, but Elisa expects him to come to church with her. Kenneth has a crush on a blind girl but can’t bring himself to talk to her.
Review: This is a show firing on all cylinders! My boyfriend joined me for the last five minutes, and even with no context, he was laughing. Liz makes a date with Dr. Jon Hamm, not realizing the date she picked is Valentine’s Day. She has him over to her place for a casual dinner, but first her boob pops out (date #4), then her bathroom door opens while she’s on the commode (date NEVER), then they agree to embrace what the world is throwing at them: they’ll get everything out of the way tonight, and if they still like each other, then it’s real. In rapid succession, Liz meets Dr. Hamm’s teenaged pyromaniac daughter, then his dying mothegrandmother. I appreciate the gesture at the awkwardness of a new romance around the 14th - it can get awkward, though not usually deathbed confessional awkward. Meanwhile, Jack is dating Nurse Selma Hayek, a fiery and very Catholic Latina. She always goes to church to celebrate the Massacre of Saint Valentine - Jack isn’t one of those convenient Catholics who just goes to church every Sunday, right? Jack has made a reservation at Plunder where he intends to order the Lover’s Delight: a one-thousand dollar dessert complete with black, white, and clear truffles as well as edible gold foil. They get in a fight when she realizes his true religion is business and she breaks up with him, only to find a McFlurry card in the donation plate and take it as a sign to reunite with her love under the golden arches for the world’s greatest dessert under one thousand dollars: an Oreo McFlurry. Meanwhile, Kenneth meets a blind girl and is so smitten he can’t say a word, so Tracy jumps in as his voice. It’s a great bit - they take her to a “restaurant” that is just the TSG stage with Grizz and Dotcom making background noise. It ends with Kenneth telling the girl the truth, then she touches his face and makes a quick exit. Not everyone can find true love on Saint Valentine’s Day!
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Honorable mentions and more here.

Hi everyone! I’m going to Newport Beach for the first time with my daughter for her Spring Break in March. We’re staying for five days. What are some fun things to do and good paces to eat? What can we expect of the weather? We love the outdoors and great food!
P.S. UPDATE- Our stay was awesome thanks to everyone who provided tips and recommendations! So appreciated! Here’s some of the things we did and my thoughts… We took a hike in Crystal Cove trail and had a rattlesnake encounter but survived, we did the Davey’s Locker Whale Watching tour and saw both a whale and several entertaining dolphins, we visited Fashion Island, The Camp, The Anti Mall, and took the short ferry to Balboa Island…had fun! FOOD 1. South of Nicks in Laguna had amazing views at sunset and great chips and salsa and seafood enchiladas 2. Roger’s Garden was beautiful but the food was sadly uninspiring, pricey, and unimpressive 3. Gelato Paradiso was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS and some of the best gelato I have ever tased in the US…period…even rivaled gelato that I loved in Italy (went there 2x) 4. Ruby’s on Balboa Pier was great, nostalgic Americana, affordable, and they had really greatOreo shakes! 5. Both Shoku and Moulin Bakeries were amazing and LOVED the lemon tart at Moulin especially + bought some yummy French tea and honey to take back home 6. La Rue de Chocolat had awesome chocolate Carmel turtles 7. Kean’s Coffee was so delicious 8. Bear Flag Fish Company had a limited menu and after all the suggestions for this place we were disappointed and honestly thought was just ok to us